THE LIBRARY 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES '
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF 
 
 THAT HUSBAND OF MINE." 
 
 BOSTON: 
 LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM. 
 
 1877.
 
 IN the "Editor's Drawer" of HARPER'S MAGAZINE, a few 
 years ago, the question was asked, " Why will not some one of 
 our American writers give us a series of domestic sketches, 
 actual occurrences of every-day life, the exact truthfulness and 
 aptness of which will at once touch a chord that will instantly 
 vibrate in the popular heart, the real joys and sorrows of the 
 home circle ? " 
 
 " THAT HUSBAND OF MINE," and its companion volume, 
 "THAT WIFE OF MINE," by the same author, are designed to 
 answer this question. 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 
 
 1877, 
 By LEE AND SHEPARD. 
 
 A U Rights reserved. 
 
 Electrotyfed and Printed by 
 
 Rand, Avery, and Company, 
 
 7/7 Franklin Street, 
 
 Boston.
 
 PS 
 
 t 
 
 DEDICATED 
 
 TO 
 
 THE SAME PARTIES 
 
 AS 
 
 "THAT HUSBAND OF MINE," 
 
 BY 
 
 THE SAME AUTHOR. 
 
 892598
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter ne. 
 
 DECLARE to the tocsin ! " 
 
 " Charlie ! " exclaimed my little wife 
 breathlessly, springing to her feet. 
 " Lissa," said I with equal vehemence, " it 
 must be that the emperor of all the Russias is 
 dead, and I am summoned to write his obituary in 
 the '-Regulator.' " 
 
 " I should think somebody was dead such a 
 peal as that ! " and my wife thrust her sewing into 
 "her work-basket, and turned to the door as it 
 opened. 
 
 "Why, what is the matter of it, Jo? What 
 is it ? " and Lissa, subsiding into her pretty broken 
 language, as she always did when startled r
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 nervous, addressed herself to a face that at that 
 moment looked in. 
 
 " A baby," said Jo, in an awful voice. 
 
 "A what?" cried I, rising up in consternation, 
 as my sister by degrees introduced her whole 
 body, and stood with speculative face inside the 
 door. 
 
 " Why, somebody has left one on the doorstep, 
 a sweet and helpless infant," continued Jo, 
 shaking the one pensive ringlet in the middle of 
 her forehead. 
 
 " Oh, dear me ! " said Lissa, turning to me, " is it 
 not strange ? / don't want it : do you, Charlie ? " 
 
 " Of course not, my dear," was my answer. 
 "I've no special predilection for any thing that 
 don't belong to me. What is it, Jo ? Where was 
 it left ? and what have you done with it ? Was 
 that the reason of the violent ring that just now 
 sounded through the house ? " 
 
 " Yes, brother Charlie : Tiddy was busy setting 
 the table for tea, and I was taking out the pre 
 serves, when we heard the bell. Tiddy went to 
 the door. ' Vow to my rest ! ' cried Tiddy. ' Come 
 here, Miss Jo. Ef that ain't an affliction of Provi 
 dence ! ' Then I saw the baby. It was fast 
 asleep, a pretty little thing."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I'll send it to the poorhouse forthwith ! " I 
 exclaimed. " Somebody has been playing an infa 
 mous trick on me." 
 
 Lissa, my little wife, crept closer and closer. 
 She now stood with her slight fingers upon my 
 arm, looking into my eyes. 
 
 " Charlie," she whispered, " I have been think 
 ing. Don't send it away. That's just how I was 
 left," she added softly. 
 
 " What, at some man's door ? " 
 
 " No, no, but alone all alone fatherless, 
 motherless ; who to take care of me but one poor 
 fed ? Oh ! I feel a pity for the little one ; for I was 
 so young, so helpless, when my mother died." 
 
 And I pause here to let the reader know some 
 thing of this little wife of mine. 
 
 Sweet Elsa had gone from me. I had mourned 
 her for three long years. 
 
 At first, after I laid her head on its cold pillow, 
 I felt that life was no longer endurable. Th2 
 home so bright held still the charm of her pres 
 ence ; but it was nothing that I could clasp in my 
 arms, and kiss ; it was nothing that I could sit 
 beside, and feel the glance of gentle eyes upon me, 
 as I read during the long winter evenings : it only
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 threw a chill over my very soul from its lack of 
 love and life. Consequently I gave up my home. 
 I went abroad as special correspondent of "The 
 Regulator " and other papers. I travelled all over 
 England and Wales on foot. I went to Germany, 
 and was pursuing the same course there. 
 
 One day, in an odd little straggling town in the 
 south of Germany, I met with an accident. My 
 horse did not throw me in some picturesque spot 
 with my head on a pile of rocks, for somebody to 
 find after a romantic fashion ; for I had no horse. 
 Neither did chaise or diligence or coach break 
 down. I simply jumped carelessly, and hurt my 
 foot. 
 
 It was in one of the long gray twilights of that 
 part of the world ; and a pale moon had just come 
 out white and clearly defined, throwing the rugged 
 hills, the stony country, the uneven streets, into 
 bright and homely outline. After trying to walk 
 for a few seconds, I found that the jump had ren 
 dered my foot quite useless ; and I had taken my 
 seat by the roadside, and was proceeding to pull 
 off my shoe, when a tall, handsome-looking stu- 
 dent as I thought, came out of a low doorway, 
 and over the loose stones, to me.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I can't talk German," I said, a little impa* 
 tiently ; " and I believe I have really hurt myself." 
 
 " Ah, you are English ! so I can talk with you, 
 you see," were the words that saluted my ears. I 
 don't know that I ever felt a sensation so closely 
 resembling rapture, as I did at the sound of mine 
 own familiar tongue. 
 
 "I have done myself some injury, I don't 
 know what," I said, after a glad, long shake of the 
 hand. 
 
 "Then you shall come over to' my house," he 
 responded. " Can you walk if I help you, or shall 
 my sister come to give aid also ? " 
 
 I managed with his arm to get to the house. It 
 was a curious little home, the lower flat all one 
 room, with a shining brown floor. Just outside 
 the window I saw a kind of open kitchen, in which 
 a brisk old woman whose face was the color of 
 parchment, under a glorious wealth of silver-white 
 hair, moved about round the fire, preparing the 
 evening meal. Beyond that was the .garden, just 
 glooming in spots, but still bright and rich with 
 color, full of fruit-trees from which pears and 
 apples hung, the trellises and the walls loaded 
 with vines whose clusters of grapes looked to me
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 something marvellous. It was a quaintly and 
 beautifully colored picture ; for still farther beyond 
 were rocks from which stood out bold ledges like 
 ruined and forsaken castles, and these caught the 
 wonderful color of the far setting sun, and threw 
 the warm tones like drifts of sparkling nebulas 
 back upon the garden. 
 
 " Lissa ! " called the man, after he had settled 
 me to my liking ; and then I saw a flitting figure 
 far down the long old yard, that stood for a 
 moment in strong contrast with the whitewashed 
 
 trellis. It was clad in a red petticoat, white, loose, 
 
 j 
 large-sleeved blouse, and had a pretty cap perched 
 
 upon its head. The skirt was short, showing 
 beautifully moulded ankles ; and the feet, which 
 I was sure were small and pretty, were incased in 
 wooden shoes. 
 
 "Yes, Conrad," answered back the voice; and a 
 soft, low, musical tone it was, such as I had never 
 heard since Elsa left me. Then she came quietly 
 along the middle and flagged path, her queer shoes 
 clicking at every step. 
 
 Heavens and earth ! what was there about the 
 child-woman that brought my Elsa before me ? 
 She was a little creature ; and for Elsa's sake I
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 love these dainty, tiny women, the fern-leaf and 
 blossom of humanity. -I could have taken her 
 straightway to my heart, as if she had been of 
 kin to me, and kissed her on the forehead over 
 which hung light rings of glossy golden-brown 
 hair, almost in the exact fashion my darling had 
 worn them when I first knew her. Curiously I 
 wondered if she was like Elsa in other respects, 
 the sunny temper, the sweet, forgiving disposition, 
 the quick, clear intuition, almost like a gospel to 
 both of us. Conrad spoke a few words in Ger 
 man, which I understood ; and the girl turned her 
 face toward me, a little clouded with pity, and im 
 mediately ran out in the kitchen, soon re-appear 
 ing with a basin of warm water and a soft "sponge, 
 carrying also a long, large-necked bottle of some 
 dark solution. Then the gray servant came in, 
 and bathed my foot while I reclined on an old yel 
 low settee ; and Lissa, from whom I could hardly, 
 keep my eyes, lifted a square slab from the side of 
 the wall, covered it with a snowy cloth, and pres 
 ently the table was set, the board spread with 
 fruit, a black loaf, pats of yellow butter, milk, 
 cheese, and tea. They drew the settee up with 
 me on it, and I supped deliciously.
 
 8 THAT WIFE OF MINE.' 
 
 Then I learned that Conrad was a teacher, called 
 there professor ; that he was in reality an excep 
 tional genius, deeply read in the sciences, a travel 
 ler who had made much of his experience ; and 
 that with all this he had taken the sole care of his 
 sister from the time she was a year old, saving that 
 at certain periods Mrs. Gretchen, the old family ser 
 vant, had superintended her domestic education. 
 
 After a delightful evening, I found that with 
 some help"*! could get up stairs, where Conrad 
 gave me his own room. He himself slept out in 
 the quaintly carved balcony, which he'saidhe often 
 did of warm nights. Glorious days succeeded, in 
 that pleasant German household. I was placed 
 in Lissa's care ; and she and I had long and cheer 
 ful talks, for she knew English imperfectly, but so 
 that I could understand her, while I failed to make 
 my German translatable. I told her much of my 
 past, of my Elsa ; indeed, she always brought the 
 conversation round to Elsa, and there were so 
 many points in which I traced resemblances, that 
 it is not wonderful if I felt in a vague way, that 
 the sweet woman's loss was almost made up to 
 me. 
 
 From her I learned such facts as gave me that
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 exalted estimation in which I have always since 
 held the professor Conrad von Raab. 
 
 " Do you know," she said (I will not give her 
 broken English, which would -not be music to your 
 ear as it was to mine), " I have never known any 
 protector, any father, any mother, save in my 
 brother Conrad. When I was left a little babe 
 of only one year, he would give me up to nobody. 
 He was only eighteen then, and just through with 
 his studies at the university ; but he took all the 
 care of me when he was at home. And when I 
 was quite grown, about nine, and he had become 
 famous for his genius, and an old uncle left him 
 some money, oh ! it seemed a great fortune. Then 
 he took me with him wherever he went, and would 
 let nobody watch me or teach me but himself. 
 We left good old Gretchen in this little house, 
 which belongs to Conrad, and we travelled, oh, all 
 over the world ; and Conrad made friends in the 
 universities, and studied hard, and wrote lectures ; 
 and I helped him," she added, her beautiful face 
 aglow. 
 
 " And how did you help him ? " I asked. 
 
 " I carried his hammer and his bag, and labelled 
 his specimens, and found subjects for his micro-
 
 10 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 scope, you should see his microscopes, and I 
 copied his lectures sometimes ; for, do you know, 
 he says I write a beautiful clear hand. And every 
 where we went, people made much of us, so that at 
 last it seemed strange to come home here, and set 
 tle down. But we are going to. move again, and 
 where do you think ? " 
 
 " To some other town ? " I ventured. 
 
 " Oh, no ! " and she clapped her hands glee 
 fully, " to America ! to your own country, to 
 the land where you were so happy with your Elsa, 
 and where you left her, as you said, with your poor 
 heart all crushed." 
 
 I told her then, almost in a whisper, that she 
 looked like Elsa, that her voice and her ways made 
 me think of her ; and the innocent child listened 
 with cheeks aglow, and eyes shining^ and and 
 then followed a beautiful idyllic season ; and it 
 came to pass, after a- few months' sojourn, that I 
 held a second Elsa close to my breast, and kissed 
 her forehead, her cheeks, and her lips, for she 
 loved me, and Conrad gave his glad consent. So 
 we were all to go to America together. 
 
 And that is how I won my precious wife, my 
 careless, positive, whimsical, loving wife, endowed
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. II 
 
 with a thousand freaks, humors, and oddities, but 
 charming in every one of them, and who makes 
 me exclaim, sometimes with frantic vehemence, 
 sometimes with frowns, sometimes with laugh 
 ter, 
 
 " Oh, that wife of mine ! "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 IE were married in the little German 
 house, the birthplace of my bride, and 
 set off directly for America. Lissa took 
 a comical leave of all the surroundings, the old 
 settee in the balcony, in which Conrad had rocked 
 her to sleep so many times ; the precious relics of 
 her dead mother, which she could not carry with 
 her ; the garden, sunny with the memories of her 
 seventeen bright years. The tears were in her 
 eyes, and in mine too ; and when the carriage 
 came, and we missed her all suddenly, and there 
 was not a minute to lose, everybody was seized 
 with consternation. 
 
 " Lissa ! " cried Conrad. " Lissa ! " echoed in 
 every corner and cranny of the house. Up flew 
 one to the garret, out flew another to the garden. 
 It was my good luck to find her at last, weeping 
 over some pet kittens in a room above the barn,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 13 
 
 where also was stored a collection such as my eyes 
 never gazed upon before, the playthings of a 
 motherless child. These were 'made up mainly of 
 broken material, cast-off relics, torn books, muti 
 lated plaster images, a stuffed dog in the last 
 stages of laceration, a swing, and two eyeless 
 dolls, which must have owed their existence to the 
 awkward hands of some neophyte in wood-carving, 
 and, as I learned afterwards, the work of the inde 
 fatigable Conrad. 
 
 " Lissa," I said, " the carriage waits." 
 
 " Send it away," she said imperatively : " I can't 
 
 go." 
 
 I stood petrified for a moment, not knowing what 
 to say. 
 
 " Do you think I am going to leave every thing 
 for ever and ever, every thing that I love, for you ? " 
 and the accumulated force of her over-wrought 
 feelings made her smooth voice sound like the 
 voice of a scold, peevish and shrill, as she sobbed. 
 
 Aghast, I still kept silence. 
 
 " Why don't you speak ? Don't you see I re 
 pent at the last minute ? I'm not a bit like Elsa : 
 you needn't tell me that, I see it in your face. 
 Where are you going ? "
 
 14 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 "To order the carriage back," I said gently. 
 
 She sprang up, and made a passionate gesture 
 with her hands across her eyes. 
 
 " There ! that's the last of Lissa Von Raab. 
 Don't you know you never should mind when I 
 ask such unreasonable things you, a great, strong 
 man ? Conrad has spoiled me, but I am only his 
 sister : I am your wife, and I said I would obey 
 you." 
 
 She held out her hands, forming as pretty a pic 
 ture of angelic womanhood as I ever saw, and of 
 course you know how it ended. There was a little 
 smothered sigh, and a little smothered kiss ; and, 
 after she had dried her eyes on my shoulder, she 
 went with me as gentle as any lamb, never once 
 looking behind at the uncouth treasure-house, at 
 which I could have laughed till I cried but for the 
 solemn tenderness her love wrought within me, 
 and that made these monstrosities sacred in my 
 sight. 
 
 Conrad was a prize. He contracted friendships 
 on board the steamer, that proved worth a fine in 
 come when he reached what he always called the 
 garden of the world. I made up my mind, to 
 Lissa's delight, that we two could not part with
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 15 
 
 him ; and, on our arrival, events had so shaped 
 themselves as to make still more feasible his adop 
 tion into our family. My aunt Jack was dead, 
 and had left me a handsome sum in her will ; 
 and, the senior editor of "The Regulator" hav 
 ing resigned, I was offered the post, with a large 
 increase of salary. I was now comparatively a 
 rich man. Lissa was installed in a new and ele 
 gant home, with my half-sister Joanna, who, since 
 my mother's death, had been the special charge 
 of aunt Jack, and who was left to me along with 
 the money. 
 
 I was very glad to welcome Jo. She was only 
 a few years my junior, of a youthful, romantic 
 temperament; but, as time disclosed, a little in 
 clined to tyrannize, and to consider her way in every 
 point the only right way. Old Tiddy, who had 
 also gone West with my aunt, and who, during 
 the life of my parents, had been a fixture as a 
 family servant, also reverted back to me ; and, with 
 these additions, my household was complete. 
 
 So there you have us all at the period when that 
 blessed baby was left at our door, and Lissa, con 
 trary to my expectations, pleaded that I would not 
 take it io the poorhouse.
 
 l6 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 But, before I go on with this peculiar domestic 
 episode, I must present to you, in order to make 
 the thread of my story more even, my wife's broth 
 er, 
 
 The professor.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 17 
 
 Chapter 
 
 JAKE my baby, sir, only a minute ! I'll be 
 back soon." 
 
 A staid professor, with blue spectacles, 
 wandering aimlessly about with a baby in his 
 arms! Who put it there he could not tell, only 
 that a wild-looking woman rushed into the little 
 depot, and quite thrust it upon him, then disap 
 peared. 
 
 What should he do with it ? 
 
 It was lying very quietly now, a fair little 
 bundle of white wraps, and a still, innocent face. 
 
 The professor looked east and looked west, 
 nothing but woods, woods, as far as could be seen, 
 and between the weeds the glimmer of two iron 
 rails. Away off in the distance a young woman 
 was walking, in a red calico dress and a green sun- 
 bonnet. She came nearer and nearer. The pro 
 fessor trembled to see her coming ; and he could
 
 l8 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 hardly have told why, except that he was alone 
 with the baby. 
 
 The young woman looked in, rustic fashion, 
 then spoke out, 
 
 " La ! how pretty it is ! " 
 
 The young man blushed to his forehead, and 
 pulled his wide-brimmed hat closer over his eyes. 
 The young man, I said : well, he was but thirty- 
 five, and hardly looked thirty. A tall, father 
 spare edition of the genus homo ; a man with a 
 scientific cast of nose, and great tender, beauti 
 ful, dreamy eyes, that it seemed a shame to dis 
 guise with blue eye-glasses. 
 
 But then, the professor was near-sighted, very 
 near-sighted. It was a positive terror to him to 
 go without glasses. He was always running into 
 people. Therefore he kept seven pairs in differ 
 ent places, to meet the demands which a some 
 times forgetful habit imposed upon him, one 
 in each of his waistcoat-pockets, one pair always 
 hanging in sight in his room, and three others 
 locked carefully away. These would all change 
 places in due course of time, but it rarely hap 
 pened that he lost track of them all at once. 
 
 And now what should he do with the baby ?
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 19 
 
 The young woman in the red gown was fast dis 
 appearing : she was gone. Almost any common 
 man would have laid it down, and let it take its 
 chance of being found; but our professor was not 
 a common man. He vaguely kept hoping that 
 the wild, anxious, rather handsome young per 
 son who had so unceremoniously invested him 
 with this strange charge would make her appear 
 ance again. He wandered to and fro. How still 
 it was, save the monotonous breathing of the for 
 est harmony, and the shrill chirping of many 
 insects ! He walked this side and that, wondering, 
 if he should be recognized as the lecturer of the 
 previous evening, what people would say of his 
 dubious position as a pro-tern, family man. 
 
 The baby still slept. On its little face was im 
 pressed an angelic sweetness that touched his 
 heart, but nevertheless he longed to be rid of the 
 baby. His brain was in a mist : it always was 
 in a mist about ordinary things. He knew pos 
 sibly, theoretically, that mutton was sheep ; but 
 whether it was cut up to boil, or boiled whole* and 
 then dissected, I think he would have been unable 
 to tell. But talk to him of the systems of stars, 
 ecliptical signs, or the Greek constellations, and
 
 20 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 he was perfectly at home, and would charm and 
 dazzle by the hour with his brilliant theories and 
 delightful speculations. 
 
 But the baby ! Time was passing on leaden 
 wings, and still nobody came. 
 
 Except a hand-car full of roughs, which stopped 
 barely long enough to let out old Perkins, the man 
 who had charge of the lamps. He nodded to the 
 professor. 
 
 "A fine boy that, gineral," he said. 
 
 " I wonder if it is a boy," thought the professor. 
 
 " Usually travel with your family, gineral ? " 
 was the next remark, with a twinkle of the' cun 
 ning old eyes hid away behind the wrinkles. 
 
 " Yes, always I beg your pardon no ; I 
 haven't any family," blundered the professor, who 
 jocosely called a certain apparatus with which he 
 sometimes illustrated his lectures, his family. 
 
 " Oh ! " and the old fellow gave him a searching, 
 sidelong look from under his beetling brows. 
 
 " This is not my child. I walked down from 
 Morristown this morning : I have been botanizing, 
 and collecting stones for specimens, till within an 
 hour or so. While I was alone here, a woman ran 
 in, and threw the child in my arms. What am I 
 to do with it ? "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE, 21 
 
 The old man chuckled. 
 
 " / don't want it, any how ; and, as to the 
 woman, why maybe she'll be at the keers when 
 they come. I don't git here but onct a day. 
 Ain't you the man that lectered up to Morristown 
 last night ? You lect'rers are a poplar sort of 
 people, you are," and he chuckled again. 
 
 The poor professor felt his courage oozing out 
 in large drops at the thought of being recognized. 
 He tried to disengage one hand in order to get at 
 his handkerchief ; but the baby squirmed, and, in 
 an agony of fear lest it should wake, he put it 
 back again, while the perspiration rolled off of 
 itself. 
 
 " Warm day," said Perkins, scratching his chin 
 reflectively with his little finger. " Yes, I knowed 
 you 'cause of them blue specticles. Blue specti- 
 cles gives a man a uncommon and superior air." 
 
 Inwardly, but mildly, . Professor Von Raab 
 cursed his unfortunate spectacles. 
 
 " Did you see a woman running wildly about ? " 
 he asked slowly and solemnly. 
 
 " Well, not here," replied Perkins reflectively ; 
 " but I've seed a lot of 'em running about wild 
 up to t'other station, gen'ally ; " and the old man
 
 22 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 looked down ruminatingly, and pursed up his 
 stubbly chin. " There's Miss Stiggin, she makes 
 a pint of forgitting her umbril till the last minnit ; 
 and Miss Stott, that's Deacon Stott's wife, she 
 allers loses one of her children, and runs about 
 yellin' like the town crier. Then there's them 
 that stops to inquire 'bout all other folks' rela 
 tions, and what they've got in their markit-baskits, 
 right on the brenk of eternity, with death a-whist- 
 lin' 'All aboard!' I've tuck 'em from under the 
 car-wheels more'n once, and never got so much 
 as thankee for't." 
 
 " Is there a poor-house, or a foundling-asylum, 
 or any place where I could leave this child ? " 
 asked the professor anxiously. Time was flying : 
 he was due next morning at nine at his class. 
 
 " Lud, sir ! you can't mean it. Why, you don't 
 say it ain't yourn ! " 
 
 The professor groaned in spirit. 
 
 " Don't I tell you somebody put it upon me ? 
 a woman who looked as near crazy as any one 
 out of Bedlam well could," he queried savagely, 
 though his voice was suppressed almost to a whis 
 per. 
 
 " Law, that's the way they alleys do, them
 
 THAT WIFE" OF MINE. 23 
 
 sort ; " and the wink that accompanied this irritat 
 ing response nearly drove every rational" thought 
 out of the professor's brain. Whether to hurl the 
 unconscious baby at the head of that grim and oily 
 man, and fly, or apply his boot to the greasy habili 
 ments, he hardly knew. 
 
 "Well, I wish you a pleasant journey, sir, you 
 and the little one. Train's due in fifteen minutes,. 
 gits in Tarryville two hours and a half if 
 no accident happens. No accident ain't happened 
 since it's been a road ; but lud, sir, there must 
 alleys be a fust time. That's a fine-looking boy, 
 sir. Good-by." 
 
 It was plain that the man was determined to 
 have his joke. The professor also determined to 
 keep his temper and the baby. What else was 
 he to do for the time being ? Plan after plan 
 came into his head, like lightning, and were re 
 jected peremptorily. Not a soul was in sight. 
 He peered anxiously up and down the dreary 
 road. It was an utterly out-of-the-way place. 
 There would be no train after to-day till to-mor 
 row at the same time. What was he to do ? 
 Dinnerless, foot-sore, and perplexed, he had 
 never in his life been in such a dilemma. Perkins
 
 24 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 had gone ; everybody had gone. He might have 
 been the only man in the world, for all he saw of 
 humanity. 
 
 Something would not let him desert the help 
 less creature ; but 'what was he to do ultimately ? 
 Confused thoughts of an asylum in his own city 
 occurred to him. Perhaps Providence would in 
 terpose. Here came the train ; and with a vague 
 trust in something, he scarcely knew what, he 
 entered the car.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 25 
 
 Chapter Jfour, 
 
 j]HE baby still slept. Gently the professor 
 laid it down upon his knee, thinking of 
 the time when he had cared for just such 
 a helpless creature, motherless, and, but for him, 
 altogether friendless. 
 
 In his mind's eye he saw a painted balcony, 
 overhung by green vines ; by his side a solitary 
 rocking-chair, and a unique little bed made up on 
 an old yellow settee, two faded footstools, and a 
 camp-stool, composing the out-door furnishing of 
 the place. 
 
 He could see himself sitting there with the 
 patient baby-face looking up into his. He could 
 see the dim outlines of the mountains, blue and 
 gold and umber, bright, or black with cloud-shad 
 ows ; the cool meadows lying at their feet ; and 
 nearer, a ledge of castle-like rocks with trees tall 
 and slender, shooting from their brown fissures,
 
 26 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 where one could find no royal heart of earth to 
 drop a seed in. 
 
 And the little German rivers shooting off here 
 and there, blue as the June blue of heaven, 
 and the little German bridges, their rough points 
 softened by distance into the seeming grace of 
 art, though they were simple rustic footholds 
 how the past came rushing back upon him ! 
 
 He was in the last car ; and taking off his spec 
 tacles he drew his hat, with that sheltering broad 
 brim, still farther over his brows. Thus shield 
 ing himself as much as possible, he presently fell 
 into a reverie, and earth and all human belongings 
 fell away from him like a garment. 
 
 It was a full hour's ride to Tarryville. In fif 
 teen minutes by the clock the baby stirred. Its 
 protector started, and suddenly came back to the 
 realities of life. The baby was actually staring at 
 him, with wide-open blue eyes. It was a refined 
 little face, albeit the lace and muslin that framed 
 it in were coarse and common in texture, and its 
 clothes were not certainly those of a babe of 
 quality. He looked around, and drew his breath 
 more freely, for they were all strangers. Then he 
 placed the baby in a more comfortable position, 
 and leaned back complacently.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 2"J 
 
 At that moment a little gurgling sound, such as 
 nothing but a baby can make, issued from the 
 tiny red lips. 
 
 "Bless her little heart ! " ejaculated a mild-eyed 
 woman behind him but she saw the baby. 
 Women from almost any point of vision can see 
 a baby. 
 
 " Dear me ! it must be a girl," said the profes 
 sor to himself. 
 
 "How old is she ? " queried the woman, bend 
 ing over. 
 
 "Well, a year or two, I guess," replied the poor 
 man helplessly. 
 
 "You don't say ! " and up went a pair of finely 
 arched eyebrows. " How very small of its age ! 
 Can it possibly be a year ? " 
 
 "I I might have missed a few months," 
 responded the professor, wondering what he had 
 said. "I don't think I really can tell what 
 age exactly, babies are when they when" 
 
 "When they are nursing, I suppose you mean," 
 said the woman complacently. 
 
 "Yes, I I guess that's it, exactly." 
 
 " Dear little thing ! is its mother living ? " 
 
 Here was a poser. Poor Prof. Raab devoted
 
 28 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 nearly five minutes to the solution of this ques 
 tion, mentally. 
 
 " I have every reason to believe she is," he 
 made reply, in his slow manner. 
 
 " Every reason to believe," cogitated the woman, 
 who had begun to feel a peculiar interest in this 
 mild-looking, large-eyed man. " Probably it's not 
 his baby ; but if not, why is it with him ? Such a 
 little thing ought not to travel without a mother, 
 or nurse, or somebody." 
 
 The baby began an examination of its hands ; 
 then doubled them up, and launched out in a sort 
 ot free fight with nothing in particular. 
 
 For the momen-t the woman on the back seat 
 had subsided ; but the little one was too powerful 
 a magnet. 
 
 She leaned forward, and watched it. Presently 
 there were two tears trickling quietly down the 
 channels of her cheeks. 
 
 " Sweet little thing ! " she murmured, in a low, 
 broken voice. " It makes me think of my own 
 baby. It's your very image, sir." 
 
 " A-ahem ! " choked the professor, crimson with 
 indignation ; and the baby came very near falling, 
 in the eagerness with which its protector tugged 
 at the window with one hand.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 29 
 
 The atmosphere was close enough ; but the poor 
 dear woman at his back had forgotten her morn 
 ing's repast of cucumbers and onions. 
 
 The baby by this time had one hand in his long 
 silken, brown beard, and the other in his watch- 
 chain, a position that nothing in life but a baby 
 could possibly achieve. While he was nervously 
 trying to save his chain, which was an old heir 
 loom, and very slender, it suddenly occurred to 
 him that the woman in the next seat was crying. 
 Yes, she was surely wiping her eyes with a hand 
 kerchief. That sense which is situated in the 
 back of the head, and answers for sight, and which 
 in him was very strong, told him so. Presently 
 she leaned forward, and chirruped to the little one, 
 who was evidently making up her mind to a change 
 in the programme. Goodness had become tire 
 some to her small faculties. The pleasant smile 
 and clucking checked the serious down-curve of 
 the crimson mouth, and she stared with rounder 
 eyes .and inarticulate gurgling at her admirer. 
 
 " It sets me to thinking of a dear little girl that 
 I lost not long ago, sir, the only one I ever 
 had," said the woman, after a slight indulgence in 
 infantile Latin with the absorbed baby. "It's
 
 30 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 very hard, sir, to lose them, oh, it's very hard ! 
 One's home is so lonely! I've never felt the 
 same woman since my baby died." 
 
 " My dear madam, won't you have this one ? " 
 queried the professor, a trifle more eagerly than 
 he would have said, " Won't you have a slice of 
 plum-pudding ? " at dinner. 
 
 The woman started, looked at him with a puz 
 zled wonder in her face that no pen can describe, 
 and then subsided by degrees into her own corner. 
 
 " I can assure you, you are very welcome. It 
 was a total stranger to me before to-day ; put in 
 my care by I don't know who, and probably never 
 shall know : so you see, madam, the reason I 
 offered it " 
 
 " West Bend ! " shouted the conductor ; and 
 thereupon the woman gathered up bags and bun 
 dles, and, with a look at the professor simply inde 
 scribable, lurched at and out of the open door; 
 evidently bearing the impression away with her, 
 that she had been conversing either with a mad 
 man or a child-stealer.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 31 
 
 |HE baby grew heavier and heavier. Its 
 facial contortions were a study : it seemed 
 simply resisting the conviction that it was 
 time for a hearty cry, and mouthed, and tried to 
 swallow its fists, both of them ; and finally, grown 
 desperate by long battle with its small propensi 
 ties, it burst into one sharp, terrific yell. 
 
 This was horrible. What mortal man could do 
 in the way of handling a dissatisfied youngster, 
 the professor did. He patted it on the back and 
 chest indiscriminately ; he trotted it till it was 
 black in the face ; he held it in every conceivable 
 position. There were elements of disorder in 
 progress with which he was not acquainted. Some 
 body lent him a helping hand and a handkerchief. 
 The hand was motherly ; so was the face that 
 met his, and that had taken the place of his talka 
 tive neighbor.
 
 32 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Let me have it," she said softly, and withdrew 
 with her charge somewhere out of sight. The 
 professor had a half-insane impression that now 
 was his chance to escape. Should he fly from his 
 torment, and essay a leap from the cars at the 
 next stopping-place? Would it be possible to 
 mingle with the crowd, and lose himself ? 
 
 No : clearly the right thing was to face the 
 responsibility, and do the best he could. The 
 motherly-looking woman re-appeared : she wore a 
 gently anxious look as she scrutinized the profes 
 sor closely. 
 
 "It's very young to travel without a mother," 
 she said softly. 
 
 " Yes, it is. About how old should you think 
 it?" asked the professor eagerly. 
 
 " Well ! Upon my word ! Don't you know the 
 age of your own child ? " she questioned. " Fa 
 thers, I believe though, are generally ignorant 
 about such matters," she added as she took her 
 seat, the clatter of the cars almost drowning her 
 voice. " Men, as a common thing, are utterly use 
 less in the management of babies. My husband 
 isn't the value of a wood-saw in his own house. 
 It'll sleep now, I guess. My own baby is only six 
 months old ; and she was so hungry !"
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 33 
 
 " Upon what hypothesis, madam, do you venture 
 the assertion that this is my child ? " queried the 
 professor with his profoundest expression. 
 
 The woman looked at him, dumb with conster 
 nation. Her lips parted, then closed again. She 
 had experienced a sensation, and it was astonish 
 ingly like fear. Was the man crazy ? 
 
 " Upon my word, I never saw such eyes in my 
 life!" she muttered to herself, "like red-hot 
 steel." 
 
 Meantime the baby, after a succession of faint 
 flourishes with its hands, and sundry feeble at 
 tempts at articulation of primitive Latin, and suffi 
 cient assertion with its feet to clear them of the 
 dimity gown, exposing a row of pink pearls upon 
 a waxen surface, submitted at last to its destiny, 
 and fell fast asleep. 
 
 The poor little wretch ! The miserable little 
 nuisance ! The tender, white-faced angel ! Ah, 
 now it smiled, and the silly heart of the professor 
 melted within him. A voice that had often thrilled 
 the inmost, finest tendrils of his soul seemed to be 
 sounding in his ears, 
 
 " You dear old goose ! " 
 
 It had always been iterated with milk-white
 
 34 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 winding arms about his neck, and soft kisses upon 
 his cheek. He felt very miserable and very fool 
 ish, and very happy altogether. It would never 
 do in the world to carry the baby there, would it ? 
 Lissa and Miss Jo ! what would they say ? Well, 
 he could think it over; and he began to think. 
 Off and away flew that irrepressible thought, till 
 presently the baby was only a feather's weight 
 upon his knees. The formations of rock along 
 the route were remarkable. The granular lime 
 stone, with its vein-like fissures and delicate color 
 ing, set his ready mind to work upon calcareous 
 formations, crystals, fossil remains, and geognostic 
 phenomena. Pictures of beautiful landscapes fol 
 lowed each other in swift succession, pictures 
 worthy of the genius of Claude Lorraine ; but 
 over these he cast an absent eye. The rocks 
 pleased him better, with their vivid hues of crim 
 son and yellow, the hints of iron and of fire; 
 the rich, ruddy sandstone, broken into lace-work, 
 over which filtered here and there the divine tears 
 of nature, softening those rugged faces that told 
 their stories of neglect, of convulsions, of mighty 
 throes put in operation by the forces due to 
 man's genius. He had a passion for geology. He
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 35 
 
 had studied the mighty, sinuous masses of rock at 
 
 * 
 
 Elba, and the volcanoes of Stromboli, Vesuvius, 
 and ./Etna. In the rich Saxon mines, he had 
 pored over the wonderful ores under the surface 
 of the earth ; and he was now busy on the third 
 lecture of a series which he proposed giving in his 
 own city, and which had cost him months of study. 
 
 A sudden movement startled him. The baby 
 had rolled off his lap, and on to the floor ; and, 
 probably much astonished by the sudden transition, 
 was swimming about helplessly on a dry surface, 
 and vainly striving to get its mouth free, in order 
 to give vent to its astonishment and indignation, 
 and which protest now escaped in a series of gasps. 
 
 " My sakes alive ! " exclaimed a female voice ; 
 and the woman opposite, witnessing the accident, 
 rushed upon the scene ; and, stooping at the same 
 moment that he did, the concussion was inevitable. 
 The professor had a confused sense of artificial 
 flowers which scratched him, a pair of eye-glasses, 
 and a shower of small bundles ; but between the 
 two they managed to lift the baby, dusty and 
 grimy from head to foot, and restore it, almost too 
 frightened to cry, to its original place. Every 
 body who could see, smiled, of course ; and the
 
 36 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 professor, who seemed to think the cars ought of 
 their own accord to stop just now, and let him 
 out, felt that the strangulation of that baby then 
 and there would scarcely have been imputed as a 
 crime; under the circumstances. The baby itself 
 felt, no doubt, that the culminating point of its 
 sufferings had been reached, and began to give its 
 lungs free play. 
 
 " I'll take it again," said the motherly woman, 
 and disappeared as before. The professor sighed 
 savagely. Resentment filled his hitherto gentle 
 breast. He felt like one in the clutches of a 
 small relentless fiend. The child was an incubus. 
 If it were only dark enough, he knew he should 
 be tempted to throw it out of the car-window. 
 But oh, strange illusion of human nature ! when 
 the baby came again upon the scene, cleansed, 
 encouraged, satisfied, and smiling, all its dimples 
 in the old places, and actually held out its little fat 
 hands to him as if claiming protection, the soft, 
 foolish heart was wax again, though he would 
 have given worlds to rid himself of the incum- 
 brance. 
 
 " Won't you keep it, ma'am ? " he asked anx 
 iously. " You're a mother, and you know how to
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 37 
 
 deal with them. It may be somebody would take 
 it off your hands." 
 
 " Really, sir, I don't understand you," said the 
 motherly woman. " I have done as much for a 
 strange child, I think, as I am called to do." 
 
 " So have I," ruefully sighed the professor. 
 
 " Do you wish to give your child away ? Is its 
 mother dead ? If so, sir, I consider you an un 
 natural father, an unnatural father, sir;" and 
 her eyes burned under her spectacles. " As for 
 me, I have brought up ten, and my youngest is 
 only six months ; and none of them on the bottle, 
 no, sir, not one." 
 
 "We'll we'll change the subject," said the 
 professor, with a weak smile. "I I've rather a 
 remote acquaintance with the milky way : of 
 course I refer to the nebulous' stars, averaging 
 from the tenth to the eleventh degree of magni 
 tude ; and " 
 
 " Tarry ville ! " cried the conductor. 
 
 " I really believe," muttered the professor, as he 
 carefully lifted the baby, " I really believe I 
 made a pun and I hate puns." 
 
 "Is that man foolish, or crazy?" queried the 
 motherly woman of her neighbor.
 
 38 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I know he gave me a dreadful bump," was the 
 response, with a gesture of pain. 
 
 A tender twilight was coming on. The profes 
 sor had buttoned up his coat, in the car, to the 
 very throat, and tied his yellow bandanna about 
 his chin. He now drew his broad-brimmed hat 
 much lower, till he nearly concealed his eyebrows. 
 Fortunately there were but four people who left 
 the cars, none of them familiar to him. The baby 
 was still asleep. He passed the depot with his 
 head averted, and looking out as sharply as he 
 could, with his uncertain eyes, that he ran into 
 nobody. As he approached the more densely 
 populated parts of the town, his courage failed 
 him. Half blind and half angry, he reproached 
 himself arrd fate. Suppose, in spite of his effort 
 at a disguise, somebody should know him ! He 
 had a class of girls in German, keen, fun-loving 
 creatures, who had steadily endeavored always to 
 get the better of him. And even if he reached 
 home, and told the truth, and all that, there was a 
 certain flavor of the ludicrous about the whole 
 affair, which would cling to his garments forever. 
 He began walking wildly and unsteadily forward, 
 lost in thought. One street looked much the'
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 39 
 
 same to him as another, without his glasses. He 
 was not quite sure where he was : he felt jaded, 
 dispirited, and wearied, from his long tramp all 
 day among the hills ; and he seemed to feel the 
 weight of the specimens in his pocket, pulling him 
 down ; and the baby grew heavier and heavier. 
 Lights began to twinkle in the houses ; he heard 
 the clatter of dishes now and then, with the deli 
 cate clink of glass. A savory smell delighted his 
 nostrils. He looked at the baby : it still slept. 
 
 " It may be a temptation of Satan," he said to 
 himself ; "but the flesh is weak." He ran up the 
 steps of a house, hap-hazard, deposited the baby 
 tremblingly, rang the bell enough almost to rouse 
 the dead ; then sprang backward, performing the 
 feat of tumbling over himself twice, and ran up 
 the street, down another, doubling and winding, 
 till he was blocks away, and had leisure to stop and 
 draw one long, relieved breath. 
 
 Untying his handkerchief, lifting his hat, unbut 
 toning his coat, and putting on his second eyes, 
 he felt that Richard was himself again. He 
 threw out his arms, so long burdened with that 
 small but terrible weight. He realized his free 
 dom, and felt no compunctions of conscience, like
 
 40 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 sharp-tongued spectres, rise in his bosom. He 
 walked on towards the river. There was still light 
 enough to see the glossy surface of its faint-blue 
 level in the dead calm, the reflection of the oppo 
 site shore, the twinkle of gray that the trees let 
 in of the evening sky not yet in shadow ; a boat 
 here and there, propelled by lazily plashing oar ; a 
 dim, red-shirted figure, bending low to the water's 
 edge. 
 
 " I'll go home by a circuitous route," he said 
 smilingly : " they know my habits ; and I'll say 
 nothing about my little adventure, though it will 
 burn on my tongue, for I always tell Lissa every 
 thing."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 41 
 
 [E were still talking about the baby, and 
 [wondering what was best to be done. 
 
 " Do you know what will be said ? " I 
 asked. "Why, my dear, it will get in all the papers, 
 and I shall have a nice time of it in ' The Regula 
 tor.' " 
 
 " What possibly can be said to your injury ? " 
 asked Lissa innocently. 
 
 " Well, my political enemies might make a 
 handle of it to tease me, or rival papers get hold 
 of if. But suppose we go down and look at the 
 young Ishmaelite," I said ; and forthwith the pro 
 cession formed, I at the head, Lissa grasping my 
 coat-flaps, and Jo, shaking that sentimental ringlet, 
 bringing up the rear. 
 
 " Vow to my grief ! " exclaimed Tiddy, as w,e 
 entered the dining-room in solemn expectancy, 
 "it's got almos' all its teef." The child lay upon
 
 42 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 her knees, carefully smoothed out ; and a bottle 
 close by gave evidence that Tiddy had had her 
 own experience with hungry children. It was so 
 bright, so pretty, so trustful in its unconscious 
 ness, that my own heart warmed a little as I con 
 templated it in silence. 
 
 "Why, Carlos mine, it's a little beauty," cried 
 Lissa, bending over the dimpled face that laughed 
 in hers. 
 
 "De Lord's gub it nice eyes," said Tiddy 
 contemplatively, with that inward chuckle pecu 
 liar to the negro. 
 
 " O Jo ! wouldn't she look lovely in a fine jaconet 
 muslin trimmed with Valenciennes ? " cried Lissa, 
 with renewed ecstasy. 
 
 "And a blue sack of the thinnest zephyr," 
 added Jo. " Isrit she sweet ? " 
 
 " My dear, it's a boy," said I. " That ex 
 traordinary development in front of the temples 
 promises well for his future excellence in intel 
 lectual attainments." 
 
 Old Tiddy gave me one look, it was almost 
 contemptuous, turned her face aside, and tossed 
 her gray old head. 
 
 "Well, efit's a* boy," she said, "den de Lord's
 
 THAT WlfE OF MINE. 43 
 
 made a big mistake. You can call her Jim ef 
 you will, but I sh'd call her Dinah ef she was my 
 color." 
 
 I bowed before woman's superior wisdom. 
 
 " O Charlie ! may I keep her ? " and the look I 
 never could resist was turned towards me. 
 
 " I can't consent that you should take so much 
 care and trouble : you don't know any thing about 
 it," was my answer. 
 
 " But / do, brother Charlie : I've taken care of 
 children. Lissa may consider it a plaything ; I'll 
 take all the care of it : I've nothing else to do," 
 was Jo's plea. 
 
 "And we'll have a nurse, you know," echoed 
 Lissa. 
 
 " But what will people say ? " 
 
 Lissa turned, and gave me a curious look. 
 
 " I thought I haf my husband who cares not for 
 Mrs. Grundy ! " she said, in her delicious brogue, 
 and with flashing eyes. " What would Heaven say 
 when you pass by on the other side ? / would be 
 \he good Samaritan, and care nothing of all at the 
 world ! " 
 
 She looked glorious as she spoke thus, and I 
 own I felt correspondingly foolish ; though why,
 
 44 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 in all the States of Columbia, I should take and 
 do for this young stranger, was more than I could 
 understand. 
 
 "Its parents maybe very improper people," I 
 added, anxious to try her further. 
 
 "So much the better for her, if she fall into 
 goot hands," said my wife steadily. 
 
 " Are you really in earnest, Lissa ? And you, 
 Jo, are you willing to take the responsibility of 
 nourishing and cherishing this young castaway ?" 
 
 "Cow's milk an' cracklings," murmured Tiddy, 
 in a reverie. " Laws, you ken brung up a chile 
 a'mos' on nuthin. It's de mental fuss an' de cal- 
 culashun dat tells on de sperrit. De Lord grows 
 'em right along." 
 
 " I'm willing to try," said Jo meditatively. 
 
 " We can keep it a while, you know, and see," 
 said Lissa, carefully placing her words. 
 
 " Then the court is willing," was my response. 
 "What are you going to do with the youngster 
 while we eat supper ? " 
 
 " I'll tote it in my room, and put it to bed," said 
 Tiddy, cuddling the infant in her capacious arms, 
 and leaving the trio alone. 
 
 " Jo, we'll have a nice little nursery in the third
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 45 
 
 story," said Lissa, "just as we do in Germany." 
 And she poured out the tea after her usual laugh 
 ing fashion, while I passed round the biscuits for 
 which our old Tiddy was famous. 
 
 " I don't know why we should particularly want 
 a German nursery," said Jo, who was intensely 
 patriotic. "American customs are good enough 
 for me, / should say " And here she paused 
 with a wry face, while the curl on her forehead 
 quivered sympathetically. 
 
 " I hope there will be no difference of opinion," 
 said I, biting into my biscuit ; and there / stopped, 
 with the morsel between my teeth, and a queer 
 quiver of the facial muscles. 
 
 Lissa by this time had tasted her tea ; a little 
 cry escaped her, and she shuddered from head to 
 foot. 
 
 " I hope it isn't a case of wholesale poisoning," 
 was my first remark. 
 
 " The baby couldn't certainly have done it," 
 laughed Jo, I almost thought maliciously. 
 
 "It's in the biscuit too," I said, as, tasting my 
 tea, I made a worse face than before, and shook 
 my head. 
 
 " What can Tiddy have been thinking about ? "
 
 46 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 queried Lissa pettishly : " she is getting too old 
 to cook. Try the cake : that was baked this after 
 noon." 
 
 "Sugared with salt, just the same," I said, after 
 sniffing at the rich-looking loaf. 
 
 " My dear Lissa, if I were you I would never 
 come into the kitchen," said Jo mildly. 
 
 " Why ! what have I to do with it ? " queried 
 Lissa, her lips quivering. " I don't cook." 
 
 " No ; but you would put the things into boxes 
 this noon, you know, and you probably put the 
 sugar in the salt-box: there's no other way of 
 accounting for it." 
 
 " I'm always doing something wrong, " mur 
 mured my wife, looking at me appealingly. 
 
 "You're always doing something unique, I'll 
 allow," I said, laughing ; " but it's nothing so very 
 dreadful. If Tiddy had just tasted " 
 
 " But she never does taste," said Lissa, gather 
 ing the cake and biscuit together : " I wish we had 
 somebody that did." 
 
 "Don't trouble yourself, dear: let me call Tiddy. 
 Oh ! I forgot," and I assumed as demure an expres 
 sion as I could call up : "she's got that baby." 
 
 " It doesn't hurt to wait upon myself," saM
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 47 
 
 Lissa, carefully guarding her speech. "You know 
 we shall have a nurse-girl " 
 
 "To wait upon," I added significantly. My 
 wife looked a little cross ; but she and Jo cleared 
 the table, brought on some old bread and new 
 preserves, and just as we prepared to taste the tea 
 dashed with its proper elements, a peculiar ring 
 sounded at the door. 
 
 " Gonrad, dear old fellow ! " exclaimed Lissa. 
 
 " The professor ! " said Jo, with a slight infu 
 sion of red in her cheeks. I had noticed before 
 that she always colored at sound of his step, or if 
 he came unexpectedly. 
 
 " I'll let him in," said I, " as Tiddy is busy with 
 
 v 
 
 the baby." There was a mellow emphasis about 
 the last of my sentence, that made Lissa frown 
 and shrug her shoulders, .and call me a bear ; but 
 I went sturdily up stairs, like a man conscious of 
 
 having the truth on his side, and let the professor 
 in.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 E told the story of the salted supper with 
 great glee. The professor laughed merri 
 ly, and declared that hot biscuit was bad 
 for the digestion, and that for his part, though he 
 always ate it when it was set before him, he was 
 very glad of the more wholesome cold bread. 
 
 I had never seen my good friend and brother 
 Conrad in better spirits. He was really, as Lissa 
 said afterwards, jolly. Every thing pleased him, 
 and he praised and ate the preserves extrava 
 gantly. 
 
 Splendid time ! Lectured to a large house 
 vote of thanks, and fifty dollars. Meant to bring 
 Lissa some fruit or flowers, but (here he played a 
 little nervously with his fork) he staid so late 
 in his geological researches, that that it wasn't 
 really possible. Fine country up there, splendid 
 rocks ; reminded him of Germany more than any
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 49 
 
 place he had been in. Liked the people ahem ! 
 that is, he hadn't seen much of the people ; and 
 then he inquired in a roundabout way if Lissa 
 had met any of his friends. 
 
 " Of course you mean Miss Walters," laughed 
 Lissa, while Jo put down her cup hastily. 
 
 Miss Walters was the daughter of the dean of 
 the university ; a splendid girl, not beautiful, but 
 with a face sufficiently striking to attract the atten 
 tion at once. Hers was a lovely and most lovable 
 character, and in the German class she invariably 
 carried off the honors. We thought, Lissa and I, 
 that Conrad was in love with her. He watched 
 her lips when she spoke : there was a certain inde 
 finable tenderness in the way he pronounced her 
 name, and little germ-hints in his reveries, suf 
 ficiently strong to give Lissa the clew to his 
 thoughts. And Miss Walters did not seem averse 
 to his attentions. He walked home with her some 
 times from lectures ; and the dean was very partic 
 ular and precise, and seldom allowed any one the 
 pleasure of his daughter's society, for she was his 
 only child and like the very apple of his eye. 
 
 "I mean any of my friends," said the profes 
 sor cheerfully, " Miss Walters among them, of
 
 50 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 course ; " and he blushed a little, and very graciously 
 offered Miss Jo the bread-plate, which she de 
 clined, as there was no bread in it. There was no 
 use in his begging pardon : everybody laughed, 
 though there was a little vexed look between my 
 sister's eyebrows, and I knew from that moment 
 that she was no friend to Miss Walters. 
 
 " Conrad, do you know, dear, that this is your 
 fourth cup ? " asked Lissa archly. 
 
 " Ah, yes, but I am so thirsty ! I had a hard 
 walk of it to-day, yes, a very hard walk ; and I 
 went without my dinner too, but that you know 
 is nothing." 
 
 " Without your dinner ! " cried Lissa, " and not 
 a bit of hearty food on the table. Dear me ! Tiddy 
 must get some cold meat immediately. Call 
 Tiddy, somebody." 
 
 " My dear, you forget that Tiddy is engaged," 
 I said in my softest and slowest tone. A look of 
 annoyance crossed Lissa's expressive countenance, 
 but she was equal to the emergency. 
 
 " Oh, yes ! I did forget," she responded with a 
 significant gesture, which meant, " Don't tell Con 
 rad just yet." "But I know where the meat is. 
 Come, Charlie, the ice-chest is for me too much ; " 
 and off I went like a big boy at her beck.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 51 
 
 " I don't know what to speak to Conrad, how 
 to explain it, I mean," she said gravely, as I 
 lifted the heavy lid, and she deftly carved a few 
 thin slices of cold mutton. " I wish that thought 
 less fellow had got his dinner. Tiddy saved this 
 for breakfast. You men are so much alike ! " 
 
 " Yes, we are something on the same pattern, I 
 suppose," I rejoined; "but why don't you want to 
 let Conrad know about the baby ? " 
 
 " Well, simply for the reason, I suppose, that he 
 will laugh at me." 
 
 "Aha! who is afraid of the world now?" said 
 I triumphantly. 
 
 " But Conrad is not the world, don't you see ? 
 if it was anybody but Conrad, I wouldn't care." 
 She held the plate of meat in one hand, and had 
 taken up the candle, poising it at such an angle, 
 unconsciously, that she made of herself one of 
 the finest Rembrandt-paintings in flesh and blood 
 that I had ever seen, more exquisite than any in 
 the galleries of Europe. 
 
 " What are you looking at me for so ? " she 
 asked as I stood transfixed. 
 
 " I was only wishing I were an artist, and could 
 take the light and shadow of your face just now," 
 I made reply.
 
 52 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Nonsense ! You will do what Conrad failed to 
 do," she said, blushing, " spoil me, if you praise 
 me so much." 
 
 " But how do you know I was praising you ? I 
 only spoke of lights and shadows." 
 
 "Then you didn't think it was pretty?" she 
 said naively. It was so much like a woman ! 
 
 " No, I thought it was beautiful," was my re 
 sponse, with a kiss that nearly put out the candle 
 for we used that primitive light when we went 
 through the passages, as the- ell of the house was 
 new, and as yet had no gas-fixtures put in. 
 
 Conrad protested against the trouble, but ate 
 his cold meat with an appetite. Suddenly a 
 strange sound saluted our ears. It was an infan 
 tile scream, and a lusty one. 
 
 " The baby is crying ! " exclaimed Lissa with an 
 expression I feel it impossible to describe. 
 
 " The baby ! what baby ? " and Conrad laid down 
 knife and fork, and it seemed as if all the color 
 went out of his face. 
 
 Enter Tiddy, her turban awry, her face flushed 
 with that peculiar hue which denotes trouble in 
 the sable soul, her neckerchief torn and otherwise 
 disturbed, her forehead and mouth puckered and 
 quivering.
 
 'THAT -WIFE OF MINE. 53 
 
 " Ef dis yer chile hasn't got a small debble 
 inside o' her, den I ain't a baptized Christian," 
 said poor Tiddy, and then stopped breathless. 
 The change to a brilliant light worked wonders ; 
 the small woman stopped, and began looking 
 round out of eyes rimmed with large salt-water 
 brilliants, till it seemed as if her glance fastened 
 itself on the professor. As for him, his eyes 
 grew large, and his forehead paler and paler. 
 
 " Well," he panted, "I I'm surprised. I 
 I'm astonished. I I may say I'm haunted," 
 he added in a curiously changed voice, and his 
 hands trembled as he wiped the perspiration from 
 his temples. 
 
 " Hy, 'fessor ! " exclaimed Tiddy, her wrinkled 
 brow clearing up a little as she began tossing the 
 baby. " I's glad ter see yer home, an' so's this 
 blessed baby, I reckon." 
 
 "Wha what? Wher .where did you get 
 it?" gasped the professor, rising and steadying 
 himself ; then, catching himself up with a haggard 
 smile, "It it's a queer sight in this house." 
 
 " Some man's been done gone sot dat ar' chile 
 on de steps* an' den he flew," said the old woman 
 with characteristic gestures, pawing the air with
 
 54 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 her unoccupied arm, and looking like an animated 
 wind-mill. 
 
 "How do you know it was a man ? " I asked, 
 eying my friend Conrad with some surprise : 
 " Did you see him ? " Conrad turned away 
 abruptly. 
 
 " Man must 'a' put it- dar, shore, 'cause man 
 don't kar what becomes o' this yer sort gin'ly. 
 Didn't see God lookin' right down on him, reck 
 on." 
 
 They were all intent upon the baby, and it was 
 well. I saw, without seeming to, that Conrad 
 staggered as he moved, and his face was certainly 
 a study. 
 
 - " Conrad, are you sick ? " asked Lissa, suddenly 
 turning round. 
 
 " Not at all, but very tired," he replied quietly. 
 " I believe I'll go to my room." She went up to 
 him with a good-night kiss, and threw her arms 
 about his neck. 
 
 "Would you keep it, Conrad, the poor little 
 forsaken thing ? ' she asked. " I know you will 
 say yes." 
 
 " Of course," he responded feebly. 
 
 " You dear old goose ! " and there was a raptur 
 ous hug.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 55 
 
 " Conrad says yes, without an if or an and," 
 said Lissa, turning to me as he left the room ; 
 only she said it in the most curiously broken lan 
 guage which I cannot render here, her way of 
 saying it making its chiefest charm.
 
 56 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 3Etfl{rt, 
 
 T must have been eleven o'clock when 
 Lissa graciously accorded me her com 
 pany that night. For full two hours she 
 had been trotting between my room and Jo's, 
 bringing me accurate reports of the situation, and 
 at last assuring me that the baby was asleep for 
 the night. I hoped so, but doubted it. 
 
 A light knock at the door confirmed my fears. 
 Lissa had retired ; but I fully expected a message 
 from the infantile side of the house. 
 
 A haggard face met my gaze : it was Conrad, 
 in his dressing-gown, his hair brushed from his 
 forehead, his expression uncanny. 
 
 " I came down to ask you up into my room. Is 
 Lissa asleep ? " 
 
 " I don't think she is," I replied. 
 
 " Can you come up for a few moments ? I have 
 something to tell you."
 
 THAT WIPE OF MINE. 57 
 
 His manner was so earnest and solemn, that I 
 felt a thrill of dread tingle through my nerves. 
 
 " Certainly I can come, though it is rather late," 
 I said. 
 
 " I know it, but I won't keep you long." So I 
 told Lissa I was going up stairs with Conrad, and 
 would be back soon ; then I followed him on tip 
 toe, warned by Lissa, as I left, not to wake the 
 baby. I am afraid I said, " Confound the baby ! " 
 with unnecessary vehemence, even under my 
 breath. As I passed Jo's room, I know I knocked 
 over a pyramid consisting of waiters, cans, and 
 goblets, sufficient to rouse a whole orphan-asylum ; 
 and that further, the professor's dressing-gown, 
 catching in some other surreptitious article, 
 dragged it clattering for what seemed a mile of 
 drugget, bringing us both up standing, and look 
 ing at each other with rising hair, and that expres 
 sion of mingled terror and malignity which for 
 tunately can be substituted for something worse. 
 " For out of the mouth of man cometh " you 
 know the quotation, especially when he is 
 grieved, at his heart. 
 
 We gained Conrad's room at last, a pleasant 
 student's apartment, bright with choice books,
 
 50 THAT WIFE OF MINK. 
 
 chiefly his German collection, where his flute-stand 
 and music-rack, guitar and foils, had each their 
 appropriate place ; Lissa's taste having contrived 
 a recess for the bed, which was curtained off from 
 the rest of the room. Conrad gravely shut the 
 door, locked it carefully, placed two chairs oppo 
 site each other, and gravely beckoned me to seat 
 myself. 
 
 With a feeling that some dread incantation was 
 about to be inaugurated, I sat down facing him. 
 
 " You will be astonished to learn," he said, 
 the tassel of his study-cap throwing a portentous 
 shadow over his nose, " that / left that baby 
 upon your doorstep." 
 
 I don't think a cannon-ball passing within an 
 inch of my left temple would have more com 
 pletely stunned me out of my self-possession. I 
 could only draw back in my chair and look at him. 
 I suppose I said with some emphasis, 
 
 "You!". 
 
 Though I was not really conscious of ha'ving 
 spoken, for he answered, 
 
 "Ye's, I; and I count it an almost miraculous 
 coincidence; for, I assure you, I didn't mean it." 
 
 "But, my dear fellow," said I, "where in the 
 name of wonder, did you get it ? "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 59 
 
 He began to tell his story, and I began to laugh. 
 Not even the thought of that sleeping cherub 
 down stairs restrained me. I saw him blundering 
 about without his glasses. I followed the fortunes 
 of that unhappy baby with smothered throes, until 
 he came to the place where his courage failed him, 
 and he wandered about the streets with which 
 ordinarily he was familiar, like a blind man. 
 Then, as I saw him deliberately place the uncon 
 scious Arab on his own doorstep, the ecstasy cul 
 minated : I silently went down on my knees, and 
 then I rolled and laughed, and laughed and rolled, 
 till I brought down the music-stand, with all its 
 accompaniments, upon my head, while the professor 
 stood protesting and laughing alternately, declar 
 ing that I would wake up the household, and add 
 ing, with tears in his eyes, that he didn't see as it 
 was any matter to be merry over. 
 
 A knock at the door, which brought me to my 
 senses. I opened it, and there stood Lissa, curi 
 ously involved in her double shawl, and pale as 
 any ghost. 
 
 . "My dear!" I cried, in consternation. 
 - "I heard such dreadful noises; and then I 
 dreamed that you and Conrad were_ fighting one
 
 60 THAT WI-FE OF MINE. 
 
 of those miserable German duels. Of course I 
 was very foolish, as I always am, and dreadfully 
 frightened." 
 
 " You silly child ! The idea of my fighting with 
 Conrad ! We had a little business together : that 
 was all," I said, screwing my mouth up ; and then 
 I turned to him. 
 
 " Not a word, yet a while," I muttered in an 
 undertone : " keep your secret, and I will keep 
 mine. Good-night ; " and we parted. I left Lissa 
 at Jo's door, going just to look at baby ; and I 
 didn't see her again that night, for no sooner did 
 my head touch the pillow than I was asleep ; and 
 though I wake tolerably late, just in time gen* 
 erally to see my wife putting on the finishing 
 touches at the mirror, I failed to hear the first 
 rustle, or catch the light of eyes watching for me, 
 the next morning. 
 
 I did not see much of the baby that day. Lissa 
 walked herself into a fever in search of a nurse ; 
 and I found myself confronted by a moon-faced 
 young lady of French extraction, extravagantly 
 attired, when I returned from the office. 
 
 " We want a nice-looking nurse, you know," 
 said Lissa; "and so few will wear the real bonne 
 cap ! "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 6l 
 
 " What do you give her for her nice looks, my 
 love?" I asked, pleased to see her pleased. 
 
 " Only twenty dollars a month." 
 
 " My child ! " I exclaimed, aghast. " Do you 
 know that is nearly twice as much as we give our 
 cook Tiddy ? " 
 
 " Why, I could hardly get her to come, because 
 we kept not a carriage," was Lissa's reply. 
 
 " So she expected to be taken an airing every 
 day or two, did she ? What that baby will cost 
 us!" 
 
 Lissa drew back a little petulantly. 
 
 " If it cannot afforded be, then I will send her 
 away," she said. 
 
 " It shall be afforded, mine vrow, if it pleases 
 you," I said. " It is to be presumed that this 
 young lady will ^mature as fast as others of her 
 species ; that is, that all traces of childhood will 
 have vanished by the time she attains her fifth 
 year, and she will begin to attitudinize for the 
 benefit of the young gentlemen hereabouts." 
 
 " You do make every thing into fun," she said, 
 her face still clouded. 
 
 " Not you, my darling : I never make fun of you, 
 whatever you do."
 
 62 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 X 
 
 " And and you won't scold, if I tell you there 
 is something else ? " 
 
 " Of course not. What is it, a new bib and 
 tucker ? " 
 
 ''A a baby-carriage." 
 
 ' Oh ! " and visions of new and expensive nurs 
 ery furniture floated in blue and gold through my 
 imagination. 
 
 " Yes : I went up to Locke's, because that you 
 told me never to go but to the very best places ; and 
 it is such a beauty!" 
 
 " I dare say," I responded gravely. 
 
 " With the dearest little white-satin curtains, that 
 draw at the back, and don't not let the sun in at 
 the least." 
 
 " Do not, my dear," I corrected. 
 
 " Yes, do not let no sun in at all." 
 
 " Don't let any sun in." 
 
 " Yes, don't let not any sun in : that is what I 
 meant to say," she went on excitedly, her eyes 
 sparkling, and her cheeks brightening, so that I 
 entirely forgot my surprise in contemplating her 
 beauty. 
 
 " And what did the carriage cost ?" 
 
 " Why, I think," and she scrutinized the carpet,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 63 
 
 - "I think he said he would take under ten dollars 
 for cash." 
 
 "Ah ! you mean take off." 
 
 "Yes, yes; take off, and let me have it for 
 seventy-jive dollars" 
 
 It was rather steep, considering I was unwill 
 ingly called upon to do the duty of a step-father ; 
 but I kept my temper, and mused in silence for 
 the space of a minute and a half. 
 
 "And then" she broke the silence, a dead 
 pause again "I got the bathing-tub." 
 
 "My dear," said I explosively, "there are bath 
 ing-tubs in the house, , extremely fine ones, that 
 cost me a mint of money." 
 
 "But not bathing-tubs for a baby," she said 
 quickly. 
 
 Oh, that wife of mine ! 
 
 " No ; that is very true," I said quietly. " I 
 didn't allow for the baby when I put them in." 
 
 "Besides, if we are going to have a nursery, 
 we must have things a little suitable to it. And 
 so I bought a chair, and some jingles, and rubber 
 for its teeth to gnaw on like a little mouse ; but 
 they will all be here in a short, small time, then 
 you shall see them."
 
 64 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 I put on a pair of mental spectacles of the 
 largest magnifying power, and took my wife by 
 the hand. 
 
 " You are the most charming woman in the 
 world," I said; "but at the same time, allow me 
 the liberty of adding, the completest little fraud 
 that ever a good-natured man was humbugged 
 by ; " and I surveyed her with my sweetest smile. 
 
 " Frod," she ejaculated. "What's a frod? 
 Charlie, are you making fun at me ? " 
 
 "No, my dear. I am not making fun at you, 
 or of you ; but I wish you to look at this matter 
 in the light of sober common sense. This is not 
 our child. No amount of dressing, or caring for, 
 or spending, will make it our child." 
 
 " It is God's child," she said in a quavering, 
 solemn little voice. 
 
 " Ahem ! well, that may be," I said, clearing 
 my throat. " Undoubtedly there is some truth in 
 your assertion, if not more ; but at the same time 
 it is only thrown upon our hands for the present. 
 Don't you see, it may be claimed by somebody." 
 
 She shook her head. 
 
 "The child's mother may be living." 
 
 " Oh, no, no ! Mothers only leave their children 
 when they die. No living mother could do so ! "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 65 
 
 " We don't know : there may have been reasons, 
 powerful reasons, hunger, distress." 
 
 " I would die with it, then ! I would die with 
 it ! " she cried passionately. - 
 
 What would you have done, reader, with that 
 wife of mine that is, if she had been your wife ? 
 Actually the words stuck in my throat, and, with 
 some other indefinable sensation, produced such a 
 choking that I let silence do duty for speech for 
 a considerable period. I don't mind saying that 
 things danced about somewhat, through the mist 
 that happened in my eyes just at that period, 
 including Lissa, who seemed indulging in a re 
 markable kind of polka, now here, now there. At 
 last I hated to do it, but tears running down at 
 a man's nose, you know, have a ridiculous effect, ' 
 and so I took out my handkerchief, and, pretend 
 ing to sneeze, rubbed my eyes dry. 
 
 " Lissa," said I, looking serious without the 
 least effort, and speaking with editorial brevity, 
 " that baby is yours. I give you carte blancJie to 
 any extent save absolute ruin. Amen."
 
 66 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter Nine, 
 
 JF course people talked. That hydra head 
 set all its tongues wagging. Not that we 
 heard what was said ; but a baby-carriage 
 and a French nurse, and a doctor's chaise every 
 second day, and a new girl for the door-bell, all 
 these at one and the same period, with no premo 
 nitions before, and no explanations after (except 
 to a select few), were assuredly sufficient cause, 
 even in a comparatively new neighborhood, to 
 awaken and stimulate curiosity to an unlimited 
 extent. 
 
 We made no particular mystery about it, merely 
 saying to. special friends that it had been put in 
 bur charitable keeping, leaving our neighbors to 
 find out for themselves by whom, if they could. 
 
 Meantime the baby lived like a queen's child 
 and an heir to the throne. It was an exception 
 ally good-tempered little thing, always rosy and
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 67 
 
 dimpled, always ready to be tossed and tumbled ; 
 and though I could not for the life of me feel any 
 thing more than a friendly and wish-it-well sort of 
 interest, still, as I had to foot the bills, and they 
 were occasionally, to state it mildly, rather start 
 ling, the baby's presence in the household was 
 something more than a myth, even though I seldom 
 took the pains to make a more intimate acquaint 
 ance with her ladyship. 
 
 I am sorry to say that sometimes I secretly 
 anathematized the baby, with emotions that scarce 
 ly do credit to one's Christianity. It was on occa 
 sions when I was ruthlessly awakened from some 
 happy dream by a draught of cold air, to learn 
 that my wife had only run in to see if Jo had cov 
 ered the baby up well, and with sweet and serene 
 consciousness didn't know why I should care, 
 she had only been gone a minute. 
 
 Or when, in the dark of the morning, busy over 
 my cogitations on some editorial, I was startled to 
 see a ghost in a long white gown gliding over the 
 carpet, the light so dim as to half-etherealize 
 every object, with a nurse-lamp in one hand, 
 and a spoon in the other, the small flame throwing 
 those rich shadows, that, on my wife's face, always
 
 68 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 culminated in some new beauty. And yet I could 
 never bring myself to chide her for these night 
 wanderings, since she appeared to take such pleas 
 ure in them. I always seemed to behold her plead 
 ing for some divine right vested in that child, by 
 virtue of its simple humanity. I always heard the 
 sweet, low, tremulous assertion, 
 
 " It is God's child." 
 
 And so I held my peace. 
 
 " Do you know," she said to me one day, " I am 
 almost more pleased on Jo's account than on my 
 own, that we kept the baby ? " 
 
 " And why ? " I asked naturally. 
 
 "Because she is happier." 
 
 " She seemed happy enough before," I made 
 reply. 
 
 " Ah ! you do not know : you men never see any 
 thing," she said with a mournful shake of the 
 head. 
 
 " Perhaps I see more than you think." 
 
 " What ! have you found it out ? Poor, dear Jo! " 
 
 " Possibly I have," I said at a venture. 
 
 " And you don't think Conrad sees it ? " 
 
 "No," I answered contemplatively, "I don't 
 think he does."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 69 
 
 " Then don't you ever make one small hint to 
 him ; because now, you see, the baby takes up her 
 mind." 
 
 What was my wee wife driving at ? I puzzled my 
 brains in vain to find a clew to her meaning. Had 
 Jo learned of Conrad's complicity with our small 
 domestic institution ? No : that could not be it. 
 
 " You see, it may not be the best ; but it does 
 happen at some times. The first that I saw of 
 you, the very first, my heart went out to you. 
 If you had gone away and left me, not knowing, 
 the world had been so dark ! " 
 
 Ah ! I caught her meaning. Jo, my mature and 
 sentimental sister, fancied herself in love with the 
 professor. Or it may have been no fancy. Con 
 rad's tender, woman-like ways ; Conrad's dark, fath 
 omless eyes; beautiful even under those unroman- 
 tic glasses ; his always gentle and almost lover- 
 like devotion to all women with whom he was 
 thrown in social contact, had doubtless led her to 
 believe that he was more interested in her than 
 the dictates of mere friendship warranted. 
 
 I was a little astonished to see old Tiddy, not 
 long after, rush into the room with eyes rolling, 
 and hands flying.
 
 70 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I vow to my rest, Mars' Charlie, dem ar' two 
 wi men-folks jis' quarril dar eyes out over dat ar' 
 chile." 
 
 " Quarrel ! what do you mean, Tiddy ? My 
 wife never quarrels," I said sternly. 
 
 "Maybe she don't, then," said Tiddy savagely. 
 "Gineral times she's sweet as loaf-sugar b'iled 
 " down ; but when she gits the old scratch in her, 
 thar ain't a bar'l vinegar in old Jarsey that'll beat 
 her for souriness : dat's Hebben's trufe. She won't 
 let dat ar' chile go to sleep in de ole-fashioned 
 way, ordered by de Lord hisself, fur's I know." 
 
 "Tiddy, if I hear you talk disrespectfully of 
 your mistress, I'll send you down South," I said. 
 
 " Mout's well. She's little, Miss Lissa is, I'll 
 'low that ; but when she put her han' on my shoul 
 der, case I sided wid de Lord's way, I jest spinned 
 out ; an' Miss Jo got crying ; dat's de gospil fact, 
 I vow to my rest." 
 
 Was it possible that Lissa had so far forgotten 
 herself as to push the old negress out of the room ? 
 
 "Did your mistress strike you ? " I asked. 
 
 " She put her han' on me, and I spinned out. 
 I's too old to be pushed, make my oath on dat." 
 
 I wended my way to the nursery very reluctantly.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 71 
 
 There sat Jo by the empty cradle, it had cost a 
 good deal of money too, looking, especially 
 about the eyes, like a much-injured woman. Lissa, 
 her little face set like stone, stood by a crib which 
 had some way got there without my knowledge, 
 a recent purchase, no doubt ; and on the pretty 
 embroidered coverlet lay the child, sobbing, and 
 evidently trying to assert its will, while Lissa held 
 it down with one hand. 
 
 "What is the trouble ?" I asked impatiently. 
 
 "Lissa will let the baby cry itself to death," 
 said Jo, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief. 
 
 " I shall train this child as it ought to be trained," 
 said Lissa firmly. " It is crying for the cradle." 
 
 " Well, isn't that the right place for a baby ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Yes, it is ; and I should have rocked it asleep 
 an hour ago," said Jo with a sob in her voice. 
 
 "Yes; and it would always depend upon your 
 rocking," retorted Lissa. " I have been reading a 
 very wise paper, and it gives good reasons against 
 rocking children. It hurts their heads, and it hurts 
 their spines." 
 
 " But I was rocked, and Jo was rocked, and you 
 were rocked. I don't know that we are cerebrally
 
 72 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 weak, or have any defect in our spines, on that" 
 account." 
 
 "That's what I told her," said Jo. 
 
 " I don't mean this baby will be rocked," said 
 Lissa, firm as the hills. 
 
 "But, Lissa," said I, "do be reasonable" 
 
 " March right straight out of this room, both of 
 you," said Lissa, coming up to us flashing like a 
 small park of artillery. Jo actually ran, but I 
 stood the fire for a moment. 
 
 "Lissa," I said, softly, "I shall leave you to 
 your own reflections ; " and walked off grenadier- 
 fashion, with an imaginary ramrod down my back. 
 Then I stood outside of the door ; at one moment 
 boiling over with resentment, the next exploding 
 with laughter. That wife of mine had fairly 
 routed me, had proclaimed herself master of me 
 and all ; and even the baby was succumbing to 
 her imperious will, for as I stood there its sobbings 
 gradually ceased. I would have given much to 
 open the door, and witness what was going on, 
 but my pride prevented that. 
 
 Not long after, Conrad came in. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Professor," said I, " you made a 
 very fair soldier of that wife of mine. She has
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 73 
 
 besieged the fortress in good style ; conquered the 
 enemy, driven out her husband and her husband's 
 sister, and stands upon the ramparts a victorious 
 general. How do you manage these things in 
 Germany? Shall I own myself put in -subjection 
 by my wife ? " 
 
 " I never knew her to do such a thing," he said, 
 as I related the facts from a humorous point of 
 view. 
 
 " Then the baby has demoralized her, and I 
 have a very great mind to send it to Jericho." 
 
 Something came softly behind me ; two arms 
 were folded on my back ; and, as I fancied, some 
 body's face was laid on the arms, and, as I knew, 
 somebody was sobbing softly and repentantly. It 
 was a queer position, and I didn't dare to laugh, 
 and so disturb the solemnity of the picture. I 
 had had my back taken by reporters on very rare 
 occasions ;, but to be wept upon by a small woman, 
 was a decidedly novel sensation, and I was care 
 ful not to disturb the position till I had had my 
 revenge. 
 
 " Have you" seen that superb picture," I asked 
 Conrad, " ' When a mans single, he lives at Jiis 
 ease ' ? "
 
 74 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " No, I have not," was the professor's reply, 
 his eyes twinkling. 
 
 " It gives one half a longing for a bachelor's 
 life," I went on relentlessly, " all ease and con 
 tentment, nobody to please but himself, no indul 
 gences to buy " 
 
 The sobbing continued. 
 
 " Hadn't you better come round on the other 
 side, little woman ? " I queried, as Conrad went 
 out laughing softly to himself. " I'm all ready to 
 ask you to forgive me." 
 
 There was an impetuous rush, and a restrained 
 cry of, " O Charlie ! " 
 
 " Is the baby asleep, my dear ? " 
 
 " O Charlie ! " 
 
 " Shall we sell the cradle ? " I whispered, 
 smoothing the pretty hair that clung like gold 
 thread to my breast. 
 
 "No sell the crib! I've been harsh and 
 cruel : I didn't know it was in me to be so cruel 
 Tell Jo to rock the baby to sleep, poor old Jo ! 
 it's all her comfort ; but she's so cross sometimes ! 
 
 s 
 
 And you'll forgive me, won't you ? " 
 
 " Well, I had a sort of hazy impression that it 
 was my place to ask forgiveness : how is it ? "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 75 
 
 "I hate myself, that's how it is; but please 
 don't laugh ; scold me, but don't laugh. Where 
 is poor Tiddy ? I've got to ask her pardon, too, or 
 I'm afraid she'll poison me." 
 
 I had to laugh outright now. 
 
 "That's a moderately selfish motive, mine 
 vrow," I said caressingly. 
 
 " Did you drive her out of the room too ? " 
 
 " I have been very bad indeed," was the whis 
 pered reply. 
 
 " Where did y1)u learn your tactics, my brave 
 soldier ? " 
 
 " I'm not brave : I'm a coward ; and, if you talk 
 to me so, you'll break my heart." 
 
 " Then shall we kiss and make up ? " 
 
 She held her lips to mine. 
 
 " And shall I disgrace myself by confessing 
 that I never admired you so much in my life ? " 
 
 "And I never hated myself so much," she 
 said, downcast. 
 
 " It all comes of the baby." 
 
 " Oh, no, no ! don't say that : let us love it the 
 little while it stays." 
 
 " The little while ? " 
 
 "Perhaps."
 
 76 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Why do you talk that way, Lissa ? " I asked 
 anxiously. 
 
 " Because I have seen it in dreams, so often ; 
 and it always looked like something different, 
 an angel." 
 
 " Lissa, are you ' superstitious ? do you believe 
 in dreams ? I detest' such fallacies: my wife must 
 be above them." 
 
 " Yes, I do believe in dreams : *I . dreamed of 
 you before I saw you." 
 
 " Impossible, child ! " 
 
 " But I did : I remember of it perfectly." 
 
 "And what was your dream ? " 
 
 " Oh ! it was very simple. I thought I was pick 
 ing currants in our garden you recall that dear 
 garden ? " 
 
 " I do perfectly : I wish we had such a one 
 here." 
 
 " Ah, well ! it took hundreds of years to grow up 
 to that. There arn't such gardens to be seen in 
 this new country. So I picked the currants for a 
 pie, Gretchen made such currant pies ! such 
 ones as I will make some day, when I happened 
 to look up. You know the wall where it seems as 
 if the sun shines, even in the days of dark, just in
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 77 
 
 the opening of the apple-trees ? Yes : well, there 
 I saw a man with a book in his hand ; and I won 
 dered and wondered who it could be, for it looked 
 not of my country. And above this man, like a 
 soft veil of some shining mist, there stood some 
 body bending over, and it seemed to be pointing 
 to me. I grew a little frightened, and let the cur 
 rants fall out of my lap, bowl and all 4 and you 
 came along so slowly, step by s^tep, and you 
 picked up the bowl of currants, and said, 
 " ' I then have found thee ! ' " 
 " But how do you know it .was me ? " 
 " Because I do. It was your face, though to be 
 sure the features were a little clouded ; but you 
 needn't laugh, it was you ! " 
 
 The little woman was standing now against a 
 table, an almost spiritual light playing over her 
 earnest face, and, as every new phase did, impart 
 ing a novel charm to her countenance. Her arms 
 were folded, the sleeves lightly falling back ; her 
 eyes seemed reading from some unseen page. I 
 felt myself strangely moved. 
 
 "And the other form?" I said, "was it a 
 woman ? " 
 
 " I thought it so," she made answer.
 
 78 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 "And what did she do?" I asked a little ner 
 vously. 
 
 " She smiled, oh, so beautiful ! and, as she 
 smiled, melted away." 
 
 Superstitious, given to dreams, wilful, woman 
 ly, angelic ! What wonder I exclaimed with a 
 husband's transport, though with the sceptical 
 horror of an old newspaper man, 
 
 " Oh, that wife of mine 1 "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 79 
 
 LETTER from Jack ! 
 
 I threw down the rest of the mail, and 
 
 was soon lost in an ecstatic vision of my 
 friend's new home in Santa Barbara, for every line 
 sparkled with light and color. 
 
 Jack and Lina had emigrated to California. I, 
 too, had been in that glorious region. I had seen 
 the goodly land that it had been my heart's desire 
 to visit, and returned satisfied. 
 
 "Come on here, and settle down," cried Jack, out 
 of the fulness of his quill pen. " Come, and feast 
 on bananas all the year round. I'll heap you tip 
 strawberries, luscious strawberries in pyramids, the 
 top one, three bites to an eating. Lina will make 
 you a salad out of humming-birds thighs I mean 
 the sort of humming-bird that HOPS. You shall 
 have cream as yellow as California gold, and sleep 
 in a hammock as fine as gauze.
 
 8o THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 "Lino, looks over my shoulder, and says she longs 
 to see that little wife of yours. Her picture is 
 mounted in a frame of mistletoe-berries, and stands 
 on the table in our backwoods parlor. She looks 
 like Elsa to a wonderful degree, but more like my 
 Lina, whose cough is better, thank you. 
 
 "By the way, Charlie, I've turned artist. My 
 easel is made out of two youthful saplings, and my 
 canvas is the bark of a curious tree that grows a 
 few miles from here. But, iipon my word, I should 
 be afraid to show my picture ; for I've copied the 
 reds and yellows faithfully, and still they re not as 
 red as the reds, or yellow as the yellows, of our 
 Western skies ; and I wouldn't blame the Eastern 
 man wTio said to me what you said to the famous 
 painter on one memorable occasion. Of course there's 
 no use of putting our paper houses on canvas : we 
 are only waiting for a goo'd-sized earthquake to 
 tumble them over, when I stippose we shall build 
 them in a more substantial fashion. 
 
 " Our little familiar spirit, or sprite, young Elsa, 
 is my attendant in my ground-floor atelier. She is 
 just old enough to poison herself, and I'm afraid 
 she will do it yet. Her mother dipped her yester 
 day out of a great tub of soft soap, remarking
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE, 8l 
 
 casually that it was the child's first lye. I told 
 her that was a good one, iipon which she looked puz^ 
 zled for a second, and then said, Oh I and laughed. 
 You would laugh, too, if you co'uld see the youngster, 
 after a close examination of my pictures, witJi a ver* 
 milion nose, green eyebrows, and a forehead painted 
 like an Indian on the war-path. Genius, indeed ! 
 Why that child has more genius for getting into 
 scrapes than any two men you can mention in the 
 whole circle of your acquaintance. And shes tJie 
 roundest ^ specimen of the square Californian baby 
 that I ever saw. As soon as we can hire her to be 
 still for two consectitive seconds, after some artist 
 has settled down here, you shall have her picture. 
 
 "Now, remember that we are looking for you, and 
 that we cant take No for an answer; and come on." 
 
 I put down Jack's letter in rare good humor. 
 God bless your sunny correspondents ! who never 
 skim the cream even of their choicest thoughts for 
 the delectation of strangers, and leave their friends 
 only the blue and watery milk of commonplaces. 
 
 " No, Jack," I said, mentally: "I sha'n't come 
 out to Santa Barbara this year, next, perhaps." 
 
 And now for briefest glancing through the other 
 letters: trifles of note-queries, complaints-; here
 
 82 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 and there a dart pointed with poison ; choice mat 
 ter for future reference ; pleas of poverty, " Print, 
 or I die ! " complimentary, " You look, Mr. Editor, 
 like a man who can comprehend" &c. ; flattering, 
 " Dear Mr, Editor, when I saw your noble face ; " 
 and so on to the end of the chapter. 
 
 Well, after all, it is a pleasant excitement to look 
 forward to, these letters from near and far. I have 
 seen " Mr. Speaker " at Washington fidget till he 
 got a sly glance at a letter or two or some packet 
 that lay quietly on his desk, and then he was ready 
 for business. 
 
 I was in an exceptionally happy mood : things 
 suited me without and within. I felt like a gen 
 eral surrounded by faithful aides : I called myself a 
 new Aladdin, with two or three old lamps to rub, 
 and an army of genii to wait upon me to whatever 
 wonders I might chance to wish for. Like bright 
 birds, new thoughts perched upon the branches of 
 my mind, and sang to me what I was to say Home 
 was delightful, my office cheerful, even the stand 
 ard "devil" wore a shining face. How I should 
 write! I shut my eyes, trusting that fate would 
 keep bores, correspondents, friends, and acquaint 
 ances, at home for a good three hours ; and then I 
 went to work.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 83 
 
 Two editorials : delightful ! the third was in 
 progress. Thoughts breathed, words burned, at 
 least to my self-satisfied comprehension ; and I 
 was in the middle throes of an article on the 
 war, when a gentle tap on the door, an opening 
 lufficient to reveal bright eyes and a charming 
 bonnet, and a flippant, " Do you mind my coming 
 in?" unseated the greatest general living; and 
 caused my pen to weep a tear of ink to his fate, 
 that blurred two of my most painstaking ideas. 
 
 " Certainly not, Mrs. Ellery : you are always wel 
 come ; " and I forced a smile as our pretty, poetical 
 contributor entered, her flounces trailing with a 
 peculiarly stinging sound along the carpet. 
 
 Mrs. Ellery considered herself the fine wheat of 
 womankind. She did write delightfully : there was 
 no denying that Her poems were bits of mosaic, 
 put together with the most consummate skill : they 
 were as marvellous in color as butterflies, flitted 
 as brilliantly and swiftly before you, and were as 
 soon forgotten, perhaps. She was well known to 
 the publishers, a breezy, smiling, golden-haired 
 blonde, with a fine figure, exceptional jewels, and 
 an audacious consciousness of her best points. 
 
 How a woman whose face indicated so little
 
 84 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 real depth, being like a well and carefully painted 
 masterpiece in wax, with every feature in exactly 
 the right place, with shining teeth, and a mouth 
 just large enough to show them evenly when she 
 laughed, could throw from her pen such pretty 
 and perfect lyrics and sonnets, has always been be* 
 yond my comprehension. Her cool way of sailing 
 in, of forestalling all one's little mannerisms and 
 politenesses, of drawing her chair as close as pos 
 sible to the editorial nose, of playing with the pens 
 and paper-knives, of catching at the drift of the 
 written pages, of chattering and holding one with 
 her eyes, of tossing her front hair into pretty 
 confusion, of making a telling pose and then the 
 apparent unconsciousness of it all ! 
 
 Her theme this morning was certainly a delight 
 ful one to an editor. She was making an effort to 
 gather all her fugitive poems of the last five 
 mortal years. They were scattered here and there 
 through five continuous piles, upon which, unless 
 the office-boy was a paragon among his fellows, 
 the dust lay thick ; and would I help her ? Then 
 she grew eloquent upon the faults of publishers, 
 and in her earnestness actually buttonholed me 
 like any office bore.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 85 
 
 I wore an old blue coat with brass buttons when 
 on duty; and she seemed now, as she held the 
 rusty effigy of some soldierly head between her 
 dainty fingers, to be contemplating the hero of 
 many fights, with her head now on this side, now 
 on that, while she was so uncomfortably near me 
 that I felt my color rise. 
 
 She possibly thought that I was admiring her, 
 while I was mentally calling down thunderbolts 
 upon her head. Several of the office men were 
 privileged. Suppose old Sedges, the greatest 
 cynic and sneerer since Diogenes, should take it 
 into his head to come in for a bit of argument over 
 some copy ; or young Smythe, the wit of the com 
 posing corps, who didn't dare to say his soul was 
 his own in the office, but made up for it by excep 
 tional freedom of opinion outside, and find this 
 woman, whose poems I had openly admired, cheek 
 by jowl with me as it were ? The cold perspira 
 tion started from my joints ; and, as if the fear 
 had brought the judgment, the door did open just 
 then, and admitted that wife of mine. 
 
 Never judge a man by his looks when you pin a 
 misdemeanor upon him ; for, ten to one, the more 
 innocent he really is, the more like a fool or a
 
 86 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 guilty man he will act. To this day my cheeks 
 tingle as I think of the start with which I sprang 
 back as I encountered Lissa's surprised glance. 
 My head felt like drum-parchment drawn to a ten 
 sion simply unbearable ; and my mouth involuntari 
 ly screwed itself into position for a whistle, though 
 my leading desire was to smile a welcome. As 
 for Mrs. Ellery, she of course dropped the button, 
 and followed the direction of my eyes with a cool 
 nonchalance, evidently thinking that some rival 
 candidate for poetic fame had surprised our tete-d- 
 t$te, and looking my little Lissa over with a quiet, 
 patronizing smile. 
 
 Though red to the throat, I managed to get 
 through with an introduction. 
 
 " My wife, Mrs. Ellery. Lissa dear, this lady 
 is one of our poetical contributors." 
 
 " Dear me, Mrs. Harman ! delighted, I'm sure ; " 
 and as Lissa, in her cool gray tints, and snowy 
 touches of lace, moved quietly forward, grace in 
 every movement, I somehow set my teeth hard as 
 the tinted glove of my correspondent touched the 
 innocent hand of my darling. 
 
 Not that I knew any harm of Mrs. Ellery ; but 
 her freedom of manner, and coquettishness of
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 87 
 
 action, were not the traits I desired in a friend of 
 my wife ; and besides, I felt, rather than inferred, 
 that Lissa was surprised and pained to find a beau 
 tiful woman, to use the popular and much-abused 
 term, certainly a glib, showy, bright, and accom 
 plished woman of the world, on such apparently 
 confidential and intimate terms with her husband. 
 
 "I wanted to surprise you, dear," she said, as 
 Mrs. Ellery withdrew, and I am sure she was 
 innocent of all intent to be sarcastic, "so I 
 came in without knocking." 
 
 " You are always privileged, you know," I an 
 swered with my sweetest smile : " I am so glad 
 you are come ! " She looked over my table, found 
 a magazine which she opened with a reflective and 
 somewhat pre-occupied air, put it aside, fingered a 
 few papers, laid her parasol upon the table, looked 
 out into the street, and said with a very conscious 
 effort at unconsciousness, 
 
 " Who was that lady, Charlie ? " 
 
 " A Mrs. Ellery, my dear ; a correspondent of 
 ' The Regulator,' and, in her way, a poet. You 
 remember I showed you some of her little efforts ; " 
 and I named two or three. 
 
 " Oh, yes ! you read them to me : she is very
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 beautiful, is she not ? Beautiful, and a poet ! how 
 nice for both to be ! " A little pause : " Does she 
 come here often ? " 
 
 " As often as she has a poem to publish, or a 
 favor to ask," I replied gravely. Long silence, 
 and then a little sigh. I felt foolish, and tried to 
 change the subject. 
 
 "Is it very hard, I wonder, to write poetry ? " 
 she asked at length, with a furtive glance at me. 
 
 " Not if one is born a poet," I made answer, 
 looking longingly at my blurred manuscript. 
 
 " Am I in the way ? yes, I must be," she said, 
 in her quick, sharp tones when excited or angry, 
 and rose. 
 
 " My dear, you are not in the least in the way : 
 the other lady was," I added ; and again that un 
 comfortable flush burned my cheeks. 
 
 "Ah ! she who is so beautiful, and who writes 
 so sweet poems, and who comes to my husband's 
 office, and sits so near to him, nearer than / do ; " 
 and she pulled the chair which Mrs. Ellery had 
 occupied, petulantly away. 
 '"Lissa ! " I exclaimed, rising in consternation. 
 
 "Ah! don't say nothing to me: I am angry 
 not I have only a" hurt heart. I cannot stay 
 with dry eyes, I cannot."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 89 
 
 I tried to take her in my arms, but she burst 
 from me, as copy was called for; and, to preserve 
 my dignity in the eyes of our chief compositor, I 
 coldly said, "Good-morning," and distributed copy 
 as she left the room. 
 
 Here was a serious dilemma. 
 
 That wife of mine ! was she unmistakably 
 jealous ?
 
 90 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter lEleben. 
 
 PATER in the afternoon Conrad came in. 
 It was a' rare thing to receive visits from 
 him, except when, once in six months or 
 so, he came to correct reports of his lectures 
 before the college students and the faculty. I 
 was not busy : indeed, I was reflecting whether I 
 should not go home and have an explanation with 
 my foolish little wife. But Conrad's coming 
 changed my intention ; for really the interview 
 was not a pleasant one to look forward to. A 
 dozen times I had wished Mrs. Ellery at the an 
 tipodes. Why had she come, with her selfish 
 instincts, to make trouble between two happy 
 people ? 
 
 Conrad looked somewhat faded and careworn. 
 In fact, he had not seemed quite like himself since 
 the advent of that baby. For some moments he 
 talked of electricity, on which he was preparing
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 91 
 
 an article for the paper. Then he fell into a 
 reverie ; and the pallor of his face looked startling 
 with those large, luminous eyes gazing into va 
 cancy. 
 
 " When do you lecture again, Conrad ? " I asked 
 him, to break the spell of silence. 
 
 "Once perhaps, perhaps twice, before I leave 
 the college," was his answer. 
 
 " Leave the college ! what are you thinking of, 
 man ? You never would be so foolish." 
 
 "It is not as foolish as you think, perhaps," 
 he murmured, with the old dreamy smile. 
 
 " But you are making your mark here : you 
 certainly have a fine career before you." 
 
 " Ay ! I send up my fancies, and they come 
 down rainbows, I grant you ; but they are only 
 bubbles. They dance and float, and then some 
 body gives them a pin-prick, and, presto! they are 
 less than the air, after all." 
 
 " But the college men are all your friends." v 
 
 " So, so ; " and he shrugged his shoulders. 
 
 "And your German class is very successful." 
 
 He changed color. 
 
 "Ah, that German class! I would like to 
 give that German class up," he exclaimed with 
 energy.
 
 92 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Come, come, Conrad, out with it : you are in 
 love." 
 
 He looked at me with a smile that was touching, 
 because the corners of his mouth trembled. 
 
 " What is there in a face, an eye, a look, a trick 
 of the muscles perhaps, that chains, entrances, 
 makes a fool of a man ? I never meant to, never 
 in the world. You understand me : I was wedded 
 to my classes, my ologies, my flute. So help me 
 Heaven, I neVer meant to marry and small 
 chance if I do," he added, leaning over my desk in 
 meditative mood. 
 
 " Miss Walters is a very sweet girl," I said, 
 " something quite out of the common way ; as 
 exceptional in her individuality as my little Lissa." 
 
 " But Lissa had no father," he said in a bitter 
 sort of tone. 
 
 " Ah ! then you mean to say dean Walters is 
 not favorable." 
 
 He shook his head. 
 
 " He is not *the same man : that is all ; and I 
 don't understand what has changed him. For 
 merly he was cordial ; he grasped my hand with a 
 heartiness. But now he stands aloof, and it grows 
 worse. He has, you know, a^ stern countenance ;
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 93 
 
 but at times he is something awful of late, and I 
 find it impossible to get near him." 
 
 "And the daughter? " I queried. 
 
 " Heaven knows ! There is a change. I can 
 scarcely define it : only, like a solid rock in my 
 path, I know it is there. We Germans are psy 
 chological barometers." 
 
 " You Germans are a very imaginative and thin- 
 skinned people," I said. 
 
 " Ah ! after all, Germany is the only place," he 
 said with quick enthusiasm. " There I have my 
 home, my little garden, my peace." 
 
 " But you won't go and leave Lissa," I said, 
 alarmed at I scarcely saw what in his manner. 
 
 " I hardly know yet, I cannot tell. I shall 
 finish the quarter of my German class, meet all 
 my present engagements, then I shall see, I 
 shall see," he added meditatively. 
 
 " And poor Jo had such high hopes of becoming 
 a German scholar ! " 
 
 He looked at me as if he would look me through. 
 
 " Your sister will never make 3. German scholar," 
 he said, as if against his will. 
 
 " And pray, why not ? " 
 
 " She has not the metal, not the continuing
 
 94 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 faculty," he said, his eyes falling, and a little color 
 tinging his cheeks. " She^ is not learning for a 
 purpose, I think ; only for the entertainment." 
 
 " Jo is a good, earnest girl." 
 
 " Very good, very earnest ; " and his eyes 
 searched my face again. He .seemed to hesitate 
 as if some counter-force impelled him. " A good, 
 earnest house-woman," he added, " such as German 
 men like ; such as make good wives and mothers." 
 
 " And how with Miss Walters ? " I asked. " She 
 is not your, German type, is she ? " 
 
 " Love makes all types one," he answered; " but 
 she is too spirituelle for the German idea, only 
 the Americanized German would love her passion 
 ately. But I fear, nay, I know, she is not for me ; 
 and I would die for her." 
 
 He said this in a smothered voice, and then 
 looked startled that he had spoken his feelings so 
 strongly. 
 
 "Let us go home," he said, rising; and we 
 walked together. 
 
 I did not see Lissa till we sat down to dinner. 
 There was a perceptible change in her manner; 
 and I noticed, when she helped me to meat, a 
 small round spot on her little ringer, that looked- 
 like ink.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 95 
 
 Dinner over, she followed Conrad from the room, 
 glancing back only when she reached the door to 
 say, 
 
 " I am going to have one of my old evenings 
 with Conrad." 
 
 " Lissa ! " I called. She paused for a moment, 
 and then was going on. 
 
 "Lissa," I said softly, "you have forgotten 
 something." 
 
 " You do not care so much for my kisses now," 
 she said sorrowfully. 
 
 I held my arms open wide. 
 
 Very quietly and very slowly she came back. 
 
 " Do you know, little wife, that you are all the 
 world to me ? " I asked, as she was gathered in 
 their fold. There'was no answer. 
 
 " Are you going to leave me alone with my 
 paper all the evening ? Between Conrad and that 
 baby, I feel like a sort of neglected pilgrim 
 sojourner in my own house." 
 
 "I have some work to do," she said, disen 
 gaging herself. 
 
 " Cannot it be done when I am away ? The 
 duties of my office require so much of my time, 
 and I am here but a few hours out of .the twenty- 
 four."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Ah, your office ! " she said, drawing back. " The 
 duties there are very pleasant if I may judge." 
 
 She made a demure courtesy, and was edging 
 away from me, and I after her, determined to set 
 myself right with regard to Mrs. Ellery, when the 
 door opened, and Miss Walters's smiling presence 
 surprised us both. 
 
 " I was going out with papa, and it came on to 
 rain hard just at your door ; so, as papa could not 
 break his engagement, he said I might stay the 
 evening with you, and he would call for me on his 
 return." 
 
 " You came at an opportune time," I said ; " for 
 we were getting so tired of each other, that Lissa 
 threatened to -spend the evening with the profes 
 sor." 
 
 " I've a great mind so to do now," said Lissa, 
 laughing, " and carry Miss Walters up with me. 
 She has never seen Conrad's den." All this time 
 my little wife was divesting Miss Walters of her 
 light summer wraps, and cooing over her. Can I 
 give you an idea of this bright, lissome, dainty Nellie 
 Walters ? the hopeless desire of the college boys, 
 who looked and sighed from a distance ; the pet and 
 darling of the lonely, learned dean ; the love and de-
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 97 
 
 light of our noble Conrad ? She was one girl of 
 a thousand, Lissa's counterpart in height and 
 complexion, yet a complete contrast in manner and 
 in temperament. 
 
 Her face held the calm and transparency of a 
 clear flame unruffled by any atmosphere. Her 
 greatest beauty was the exceptionally perfect con 
 tour of her head, which she never dressed in 
 mountainous ridges of hair, but drawn well back 
 and low, made a shapely curve near the nape of 
 'the neck out of her abundant tresses, as the Gre 
 cians did hundreds of years ago. Every thing she 
 said and did bore the impress of strong vitality. 
 There was the ring of energy in some of her low 
 tones, though her voice had that peculiar quality of 
 change which some call broken notes, yet if they 
 were, were broken into exceedingly rich fragments 
 of musical sound. 
 
 She looked the impersonation, as she stood there, 
 of beauty, health, and intelligence.
 
 98 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 jRESENTLY Jo came in with the baby. 
 The little one's name was Daisy, and she 
 had become an institution. I think Lissa 
 must have bent all the forces of her intellect to the 
 adornment of the small princess, for her toilets 
 were miracles of good taste. 
 
 Poor Jo had never appeared to advantage in 
 Miss Nellie's presence ; but, since the baby had 
 created for itself a kingdom, she shone in it for 
 what she was worth, because of her entire forget- 
 fulness of self. 
 
 I believe, of all the household, she loved the little 
 waif most tenderly. She certainly gave the most 
 time and attention to its wants. I think my wife 
 was prouder of the combination of baby beauty 
 and French nurse, and loved to show them off 
 together. 
 
 Miss Walters at first looked coldly upon the
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 99 
 
 young Arab : at its entrance, I thought she 
 changed color ; but after a time she melted under 
 its influence, and did her best to make it cry, by 
 cuddling it and kissing it with undue but wom 
 anly vehemence. Then it was consigned to the 
 nurse, and Jo marched after it to superintend the 
 usual evening ablutions and arrangements. 
 
 Then Lissa disappeared, and after some time 
 came down followed by Conrad in his best blue 
 eye-glasses and his best black suit. There was an 
 electric light in his face, giving it a splendor that 
 all the riches of his scientific lore failed to impart. 
 She whom he loved was there ; and I sat apart, and 
 watched the electric currents passing back and 
 1 forth, gathering and giving and sparkling by turns, 
 till the place became a paradise", and Conrad and 
 Nellie Walters its Adam and Eve. 
 
 I shall never forget that evening, neither will 
 Conrad. Our little room, pleasant in itself, seemed 
 the receptacle of wit, cheerful fancies, and merry 
 laughter. Conrad played the flute. Miss Walters 
 had never heard him play before, and praised him 
 with her sweet vermilion lips, till I knew his very 
 heart ached with rapture. 
 
 And, when he talked, no wonder she hung upon
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 his words ; for he had the faculty of language- 
 painting in an unusual degree, and hung one pic 
 ture after another before the eye, till silence was 
 an absolute need, in which to admire the rich 
 coloring and skilful grouping of these invisible but 
 none the less real works of art. 
 
 As I said, I sat and watched. Did Miss Walters 
 love him ? She had been his pupil now for more 
 than a year, with the twelve or fourteen rather 
 ordinary girls who conned and repeated the Ger 
 man verbs with the precision of parrots ; and it was 
 her quick appreciation of the strength and beauty 
 of the language, that first drew his interest like a 
 Tnagnet to her exceptional qualities of mind and 
 person. 
 
 Lissa hovered about her, turning the music for 
 her brother, the proud Lissa ! who took fire from 
 the torch of his enthusiasm, and looked, while the 
 clear and tender notes rolled heavenward, like a 
 lesser St. Cecilia. And between the two passed 
 lingering glances ; one soliciting, the other giving, 
 such sympathy as appertains between congenial 
 natures ; Lissa doing some unconscious wooing for 
 the brother she was so proud and fond of. And 
 occasionally Nellie Walters let her eyes rest upon .
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. IOI 
 
 the glowing face of ConracL I who am somewhat 
 skilled in the telegraphy of . what shall I call it? 
 affinity ? the word has been so outrageously abused 
 that I almost shrink from its use felt that those 
 two creatures were so subtly kindred, the balance 
 of excess and lack of certain qualities being so 
 finely poised, that each would gain by the other in 
 what was needed in character or what to be pruned 
 away, that it was clear Providence had a hand in 
 their mating. But would Conrad, with his fine 
 sense of personal honor, be willing to fight for her 
 against the odds of parental injustice or prejudice ? 
 Just then the sweetest melody of all ended, and 
 Nellie dropped her handkerchief, a catastrophe 
 that led to the broadest, brightest, most heavenly 
 conviction, that it falls to the lot of man to receive. 
 Conrad bent with supple spring to lift the b'it of 
 lace and cambric from the floor. Nellie had already 
 stooped forward, and in lifting her head encoun 
 tered whatever God and nature at that moment 
 gave his eyes the grace to say. And at that her 
 own eyes kindled ; the heart of all rose-land 
 burned in her cheeks ; hr hand trembled as it 
 touched his. A paean sounded, I am sure, from his 
 triumphant spirit at that moment, even to heaven.
 
 102 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 She loved him ! 
 
 To her, love meant for now and for ever. 
 
 Lissa had seen. She edged her way round to 
 me after a time, with the coyness of a youthful 
 bride ; and some way her hand got in mine, and I 
 felt, that, for the present, Mrs. Ellery and her poetry 
 were consigned to oblivion. 
 
 It was not the time exactly for the dean to step 
 in, with his judicial aspect, and his love-memories 
 twenty years away ; but he did. He caught sight 
 of the flute : he glanced dubiously at Conrad, who 
 with folded arms was trying, I suppose, to hold his 
 heart-leaps down. Then he edged himself between 
 the twain, put on his daughter's wrap's so clumsily 
 that any one might have seen it was an unusual 
 duty ; and, taking Miss Walters by the arm like a 
 bear trying to do the honors after the most amiable 
 fashion, he led her from the house. 
 
 " You'll not pack your trunks to-night, I fancy," 
 I found an opportunity to whisper as he unscrewed 
 his flute. 
 
 " I sha'n't go to Germany without Lissa," he 
 retorted, laughing. >After that, peace and harmony 
 prevailed; only some way that wife of mine gave 
 me now and then secret misgivings. Was it Lissa
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 103 
 
 who met me with abstracted glances, who seemed 
 to be always looking at her hands, through the 
 walls, over the teapot, at nothing ; who smiled in 
 the wrong place, and answered that she didn't know 
 what you were saying, after you had explained to 
 her in the most glowing language the latest inven 
 tion in apple-parers, or the newest patent in coffee 
 pots ? 
 
 " My dear, what were you saying ? " she asked 
 one day when I sedulously depicted my labors in 
 finding something for which she had expressed a 
 wish. 
 
 For answer I held a jewel-box exactly under her 
 nose. She gave one delighted cry, and grasped 
 it with both hands. 
 
 "They are just as lovely as they can be! are 
 they for me ? " 
 
 " Who should I get them for i not for you, 
 mignonne ? " 
 
 " They are very much the same in pattern as 
 Mrs. Ellery's," she said. 
 
 " How do you know about Mrs. Ellery's jewels ? " 
 I asked. She was silent for a moment. The color 
 flitted in her cheek. Then she looked up at me 
 almost defiantly.
 
 104 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " She showed them to me." 
 
 " She showed them to you when ? " 
 
 " I had not meant to tell you," she made slow 
 answer; "but but I went there." 
 
 " You went to Mrs. Ellery's ? " 
 
 "Yes, I did." 
 
 " You went to that down-town hotel ? " 
 
 " What harm was there ? " 
 
 " Without telling me that you were going ? " I 
 questioned in holy horror. 
 
 " Why should I do that ? Do you tell me every 
 where that you do go ? " 
 
 Here was a poser ; but I did not stop to con 
 sider, or to soften matters. 
 
 " You are a woman, I am a man : on matters of 
 business I am supposed to go anywhere, every 
 where ; but you ! " 
 
 "And, if I had matters of business, why should 
 I not go anywhere, everywhere ? " 
 
 Here was a small woman's-rights association 
 growing under my very eyes. 
 
 " But, my dear, I am the business head of the 
 house. You are to manage in doors, I out." 
 
 " You have no more business-head than I have," 
 she ejaculated indignantly. " When Conrad trav-
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 105 
 
 elled, and took me with him, / kept all the accounts, 
 and paid all the moneys. Yes, I did, and he will 
 tell you so. And do you suppose he could leave 
 his books, and go and buy steaks and potatoes ? 
 Yes, and I did hire rooms, and pay for them."
 
 106 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Cjjapter j)trteen* 
 
 FELT all my pretensions to superiority 
 oozing out at my fingers' ends ; but like a 
 man, and a very ordinary sort of man at 
 that,' I determined to hold my ground. 
 
 Lissa had never before boasted of her accom 
 plishments in the way of business. I never knew 
 that she was an expert in culinary purchases, a 
 book-keeper in a small but expeditious way, a per 
 son with experience in letting and sub-letting ; in 
 fine, a whole bureau of expedients and experiments. 
 I had more yet to learn. 
 
 " But about this going to call upon Mrs. Ellery : 
 what in the world set you at it ? I thought you 
 were not pleased with her." 
 
 " I was not, oh, no ! but I reasoned with myself. 
 I felt that she must be in some way a very supe 
 rior person. If you knew her, and and liked 
 her for her genius, you know, why should not I ?
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 107 
 
 I determined not to have prejudice which might 
 do harm to an innocent lady ; and so so I called." 
 
 " And you found her in ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes ! with two, three, four gentlemen, all 
 litterateurs she said, and introduced me as your 
 wife. Then they said things that made me very 
 proud of you." 
 
 " The Bohemians ! " I muttered between my 
 teeth. 
 
 " Lissa," I said firmly, " you must not go there 
 again." 
 
 " Do you say I must not ? " 
 
 " Most imperatively. I forbid it." 
 
 She rose, growing pale, and actually growing 
 tall, as the spirited face changed color. 
 
 " You shall not say ' I forbid,' to me," she articu 
 lated with provoking distinctness. " Even when I 
 was that small," holding her hand at some distance 
 from the floor, " Conrad never said to me, ' I for 
 bid.' If I like Mrs. Ellery, and she is kind to me, 
 and and I am satisfied with what she does for 
 me, why should I not call upon her, and have her 
 come here ? " 
 
 In a sudden frenzy of unreasonableness, I said, 
 " She shall not come here : it is against my wishes
 
 108 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 and my commands," I asserted, losing my temper 
 for the first time. 
 
 " She shall come here," was the firm retort. 
 
 Here was open rebellion. One of us, I foolishly 
 said to myself, must be master in this matter ; and 
 clearly the right was on my side. Lissa's will was 
 a small battery. I felt its power, and for the first 
 time acknowledged that I had looked upon her too 
 much in the light of an indulgent father. She 
 was a child to be petted, encouraged, and guided, 
 heretofore ; now I waked up to the fact that she 
 was a force in my life, and the only question was, 
 had I strength enough to oppose and control her ? 
 If we were not to work together, there was an end 
 to our happiness. I should have scorned the 
 thought of conquering her, of merging her indi 
 viduality with mine, of making her even a willing 
 slave to my whims and humors. Suddenly some 
 good angel lifting his shining wings must have 
 poised himself on my shoulder, directly under my 
 right ear ; for I distinctly heard the words, " Yield 
 if you would conquer." 
 
 " Very well, Lissa," I said quietly. " Since you 
 are determined to make a friend of this woman, 
 you may if you will. I shall no longer oppose 
 you."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. IOQ 
 
 She looked at me out of those steady eyes of 
 hers ; and I saw the little demon of self-will pois 
 ing himself for flight. 
 
 " Mrs. Ellery may come here ? " 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 " And I may go there ? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 "But it it will not please you ?" she said, in a 
 lower voice. 
 
 " I cannot say that it will, and be honest." 
 
 " Will you give me your reasons ? " 
 
 Surely : why had I not thought of that before ? 
 
 " Because, you know, she can come to see jou" 
 she added naively. 
 
 " Why y-es. An editorial office is a public 
 place. A great many people come there I should 
 not care for you to know." 
 
 " Ladies ? " 
 
 " Well, no, not many ladies but are quite worthy 
 of your friendship ; but the most of them are 
 poor, hard-working contributors, and cannot afford 
 the time to make acquaintances or to visit. Mrs. 
 Ellery may be one of the noblest women in the 
 world, for all I know ; but she is not a careful 
 woman. Her talk is loud and slangy ; she allows
 
 110 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 dangerous intimacies, wears too many jewels, enter 
 tains too many gentlemen ; and, worse than all, she 
 has adopted socialistic theories, and does not be 
 lieve in the sacredness of the marriage-bond as we 
 do, sweet wife of mine." 
 
 "Ah, now you make me to see ! " she said, brings 
 ing her hands lightly together. " You treat me as 
 an equal : you appeal to my reason, my pride, my 
 religion. That is good and right; and "now it is 
 very proper for me to obey you." 
 
 " Is that the right word, little woman ? I know 
 sundry of our acquaintances who would cavil at it 
 mightily." 
 
 " Yes, perhaps, but it troubles not me. I 
 obeyed Conrad always, though not of fear ; and 
 it is your wish for me to do so, or to do not so, 
 why should I not obey it ? It is my wish, with 
 proper reasons, that you do not so, or so, why 
 should you not obey ? Are you too proud be 
 cause you are a man ? Then will I be too proud 
 because I am a woman." 
 
 "My small teacher of equality," I said, "you 
 have put the shoe on the other foot with admirable 
 skill, and I am happy to tell you it fits. Hence 
 forth I am yours to command."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 My compensation came in due course of time. 
 
 Not many days after, I went home at noon, not 
 feeling very well ; and, on lying down, hung my 
 watch on a hook in the wardrobe. Being obliged 
 to return to the office at a later hour, I neglected 
 to re-instate my watch in its fob. 
 
 As I walked hurriedly down the street I met an 
 old friend just returned from Europe. 
 
 " Charlie Harman ! as my name is Paul ! " he 
 exclaimed, giving me a hearty hand-grasp. 
 
 I remembered subsequently, that, as I talked 
 with him after the manner of auld acquaintance 
 ship, a young fellow with sandy hair and an equi- 
 line nose, on whose protuberant arch lay a rather 
 seedy hat that hid his eyes, stood quietly leaning 
 against a lamp-post within a foot of where we 
 were; but I thought nothing of. it then. 
 
 " And where are you now ? at the same old 
 office ? " asked Paul. 
 
 " Yes, office of ' The Regulator ; ' " and in taking 
 my cards out of my pocket I must have let one of 
 them slip into the gutter. 
 
 " What's the time ? " queried Bennington when 
 he recollected that time and tide wait for no man. 
 " My watch is set by a British clock."
 
 112 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 I felt in my pocket. 
 
 " I declare ! I've not done such a thing for a 
 dozen years," said I. 
 
 "What's that?" 
 
 " Left my watch hanging up in the wardrobe ;" 
 and with a few more last words we parted. 
 
 I staid at the office only long enough to make a 
 scratch or two on the proof, which was always 
 a perfect kaleidoscope of pen-and-ink sketches, 
 owing to my writing an "awful hand," the terror 
 of compositors, and the despair of my wife, who 
 prided herself on her legible chirography. 
 
 Ensconced on the dining-room sofa, far away 
 from all noise save the pleasant bustle of prepara 
 tion for tea, I was soon lost in pleasant reflections. 
 At last a thought occurred to me. Lissa came in 
 looking as dainty as a bird in a brown suit. She 
 was approaching me joyously. 
 
 " First a kiss and then a favor," I said, laughing. 
 
 " Of course. When you are very loving I 
 always wonder what you are going to ask me." 
 
 " Will you run up stairs, and bring me down my 
 watch ? " 
 
 She stood there like one petrified. 
 
 " Your watch ! " she exclaimed.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 1 13 
 
 " Yes, dear, my watch : I left it in the ward 
 robe." 
 
 Her face changed : a scale of gradations passed 
 over it, till with open mouth and scared eyes she 
 could only repeat again, 
 
 " Your watch ! " 
 
 " Lissa, dear, what is the meaning of this ? " I 
 asked. " Is it too much trouble ? because, though 
 I am not well, I will go." 
 
 I rose, but she held me down. 
 
 " O Charlie ! what shall I do ? " and she burt 
 into tears. 
 
 I was now thoroughly alarmed. 
 
 " My dear, if any thing has happened to it, if 
 you let it fall, if the crystal is broken, I will bear 
 it with the utmost fortitude, and forgive you with 
 the greatest magnanimity." 
 
 "But but I sent it to you." 
 
 " You sent it to me ! Heavens and earth ! 
 When ? " 
 
 " Not quite half an hour after you had left the 
 
 house. 
 
 
 
 " My dear, what superhuman prescience told 
 you that I wanted my watch in exactly thirty 
 minutes ? for it was then or about ten minutes
 
 H4 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 before that, to speak with precision that I dis 
 covered I had left it." 
 
 " It was no prescience : it was a man." 
 
 " He couldn't have stolen it, because you sent it 
 to me ; but why in the name of the Ganges did 
 you do that ? It cost me five hundred dollars, 
 including chain and charms; a stem-winder, and 
 regulated the sun to the fiftieth part of a second." 
 
 " But didn't you send for it ? " 
 
 " Never ! " 
 
 " By a man with yellowish hair and blue eyes, 
 who said he worked in the office ? " 
 
 " Never : there isn't a yellow hair in the whole 
 office." 
 
 " O Charlie ! then I have lost you your watch," 
 and Lissa caught hold of the sofa. 
 
 " I give you leave to lose a thousand watches, 
 but not to faint away over it," I said, as. I offered 
 her a cup of cold water. " Come, tell me all about 
 it. Somebody has imposed upon you ; but maybe 
 we can get a clew to the rascal, and find the 
 watch." 
 
 " Stop : you sent your card," she said, and took 
 from her pocket my card, slightly soiled. I looked 
 it over : it had evidently been in the gutter. On 
 the back was something in my handwriting.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 115 
 
 " My dear, if you had only read this ! " I said. 
 
 " Well, what if I had ? " said Lissa, restraining 
 her tears with difficulty. " What is it ? " 
 
 I read, 
 
 " Tell Bob to bring buttermilk ; buy watch-key ; 
 mend office-window immediately." , 
 
 She laughed through her tears. 
 
 " It's an old memorandum, made weeks ago ; and 
 the scamp, not being able to read himself, presumed 
 upon your ignorance." 
 
 " But, my dear Charlie, I didn't try to read it : I 
 never do. It all looks like chickens' legs to me. 
 I saw something that seemed like 'bring,' and 
 ' watch,' and ' office ; ' and, oh, dear ! I thought to 
 be sure it was all right, especially when he gave 
 your name and number. Charlie, dear, why don't 
 you try to write so that one might be able to spell 
 it out ? " 
 
 "I don't know," said I musingly, "why people 
 should find fault with my handwriting: it's plain 
 enough to me. But I'm sure of one thing : I'm a 
 watch and chain out." 
 
 " And all through me," said Lissa. 
 
 " If a man should come to you again, my dear, 
 for my best coat, you will please follow the Scrip-
 
 Il6 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 ^ 
 
 ture injunction, and give him my cloak also : 
 though, on second thought, I haven't any cloak ; 
 but you might throw in a hat." 
 
 " Charlie, I'm so sorry ! " sobbed 'Lissa. " If you'll 
 wait long enough, I'll make up the loss : I will, 
 really. I'll earn it." 
 
 " I can't afford to wait for a watch ' till my locks 
 are like the snaw,' Mrs. Anderson," said I, assum 
 ing a light manner. " The best way will be to lose 
 no time in eating supper ; and then Conrad and I 
 will make the rounds, and put detectives on the 
 track of that keen eavesdropper, who, I remember 
 now, stood near enough to hear all we said. If you 
 had only read the card ! " 
 
 " But that was impossible," said Lissa : " I can't 
 make it out." 
 
 " So the compositors say ; but they do," was my 
 reply.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 117 
 
 Cfjapter jFourteen, 
 
 [1ONRAD and I were busy with detectives 
 till nearly eleven o'clock. It was almost 
 twelve before we finished our business, and 
 turned our tired feet homeward. The night was 
 very dark. Locked arm in arm, we walked si 
 lently, till at last Conrad broke the silence in a low 
 voice, 
 
 "There's a woman following us." 
 
 " Yes , I noticed it a square or two back : she 
 keeps exactly behind us, poor soul ! " 
 
 " It is very strange, she comes so close, and 
 never speaks," said Conrad. " It may be some 
 miserable creature who is dying of hunger. I 
 always think that." 
 
 " Nonsense ! compose your nerves, my good 
 Conrad. You are not as familiar with these city 
 streets as I am. You wouldn't care- to speak to the 
 kind of woman who goes roaming at this hour of 
 the night."
 
 Il8 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Still, even if she is unfortunate, a kind word, 
 to learn if she is suffering ! She haunts me like a 
 spirit," persisted Conrad. 
 
 " If you are determined to see for yourself, see," 
 I said doggedly ; and we stopped. The thing in 
 human form, whatever it was, stopped also, and, 
 just discernible in the dim light of a corner street- 
 lamp, looked weird to the last degree, as its loose 
 drapery fell lightly about it, and it seemed to hover 
 just over the pavement. 
 
 " Come, come ! whatever it is, it's apparently 
 afraid of us," I said ; and, gracious Heaven ! some 
 body exclaimed, " Charlie ! " 
 
 Again the voice, so much louder than the last 
 cry that I could hear it tremble. 
 
 " Great Heaven, it's Lissa ! " I said, and called her. 
 She came flying towards me, and fell into my arms 
 with a half-hysterical scream. 
 
 " I hoped it was you. O Charlie ! I'm almost 
 dead with fright." 
 
 " In the name of the Vedas of India, Lissa Har- 
 man, what are you doing out here in the dead of 
 night?" I asked. 
 
 " Don't scold, Charlie. I got lost, and no soul 
 in sight; and the dark, and the strange look of
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 119 
 
 the streets, made my heaVt beat till I thought I 
 should fall. Then I saw you two, and I thought of 
 Charlie and Conrad ; and I began to follow you, 
 though I was afraid of you. When you stopped 
 and looked back, I had like to run away ; but some 
 thing told me to call you, and, if it was you, you 
 would speak." 
 
 "But will you please explain why you are out 
 at this unseemly hour ? " I asked impatiently. 
 
 "Why, the baby" 
 
 " Condemn that baby," I groaned. 
 
 " Now, Charlie ! " 
 
 'Your pardon, Mrs. Harman : I interrupted you ; 
 a thing that you are never guilty of if you will 
 allow me to tell a polite lie." 
 
 " Charlie, you are angry, and you won't let me 
 explain; but I will. The baby was taken in 
 spasms, then, and we sent for the doctor next 
 door." 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 " He staid till poor little Daisy was better, then 
 wrote a prescription." 
 
 " Of course : do you know he will charge five 
 dollars for that ? " 
 
 " Charlie, are you mean ? "
 
 120 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 "Well, I have just lostf five hundred dollars, my 
 dear," I said, as mildly as I could. "And now to 
 find you running the streets on account of that 
 little beggar ! " 
 
 She loosened her arm from mine, and deliber 
 ately walked round to the professor. 
 
 " Lissa," said I, stung by my own injustice, "if 
 you'll come back I'll ask your pardon." 
 
 " No ; ask no pardon : I will come without that, 
 if you are sorry ; but you must listen, for indeed 
 I cannot see Daisy die before my eyes for the want 
 of a little medicine," she said falteringly. "Well, 
 it was then half-past ten. The doctor told us 
 she must have the powders immediately, or there 
 might be a return of the illness. I thought you 
 would soon come in, but you did not. At quarter 
 to eleven I begged the nurse to go : she would not 
 stir ; she had never been out so late, she said, and 
 I could not hire her. At eleven I could wait no 
 longer : I remembered having seen drug-shops at 
 different corners, but did not know exactly where 
 to go. Disguising myself in my waterproof, I tame 
 out. Oh, it was so dark ! so silent ! not a step all 
 down the long street. I had never, in all my life, 
 been out in the dark alone."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 121 
 
 "My brave little wife," I whispered, squeezing 
 her arm. 
 
 " Not a bit : I felt like a weak coward ; but I 
 braced up the courage, and I went on, square after 
 square, and still no shops of the kind ; oh, for so 
 long a distance ! A poor drunken sailor came 
 along ; but he only stood still for a moment, as well 
 as he could for reeling, and said, in German, 
 
 " ' God bless the woman ! ' 
 
 " O Charlie ! hearing that dear language ! if he 
 had only been sober, I should have asked him to 
 take care of me. I went on till I came to such a 
 queer little corner drug-shop, with such an old, 
 queer man behind the counter, all hair and teeth, 
 for all the world like our old white dog Wolf, at 
 home in Germany.- 
 
 " He looked at me, and at the paper, and then at 
 me again, and said something about up-town doc 
 tors, and they didn't generally send prescriptions 
 to him : so you see how far I had gone. Not long 
 after I left him, I seemed to have got bewildered, 
 turned round, you know : the- streets looked strange. 
 Where should I go, and who should I speak to ? 
 O Charlie, how I did long for you! just as if I were 
 in a foreign land, and you thousands of miles away.
 
 122 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 When the terror had hold of me that I did not 
 know which way to go, of all the streets I met, I 
 stood still for a moment, and I thought of our God 
 who sees us in all our troubles, and I told him 
 how I wanted Charlie ; and that minute you came 
 in sight; but I didn't quite believe, it is always 
 so, you know r and so I followed you two, fearing 
 and hoping, till I got the strength to speak; and, 
 O Charlie ! it's so good to be here ! " 
 
 Now, find me a narrative more simple than that, 
 more commonplace if you will ; and yet I declare 
 to you that the tears were running over my cheeks 
 before I knew it. 
 
 " Lissa," said I, "you're a heroine! I'm proud 
 of you; and and God bless the baby!" 
 
 As for the professor, who had been silent, I saw 
 he couldn't bear the light of the hall-lamp, though 
 it was very low ; and so a woman with hej little 
 story had set two men to crying. 
 
 I am happy to add, as a pleasurable ending to 
 this chapter, that my watch was traced to a pawn 
 broker's shop, and restored to me.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 123 
 
 Chapter -Jftfteetu 
 
 jMONG my letters the day following, was 
 one from a lady correspondent, a brilliant, 
 gossipy writer, who kept us informed as 
 to the comings and goings of society people, and 
 who could write about the embroidery upon a 
 French flounce with as much enthusiasm as your 
 art-student when revelling in the description of 
 one of Turner's best pictures. 
 
 While reading it, I was struck with her reference 
 to a visit she had recently made. 
 
 " Finding myself in H the other day," she 
 
 said, " and having some three or four hours on my 
 hands, it struck me that I might employ my leis 
 ure in exploring the neighborhood. 
 
 " To the right on a grandly rising eminence, stood 
 an imposing edifice of gray stone, which I found 
 upon inquiry was a hospital for the insane. Curi 
 osity, and I trust, profound pity for such unfor-
 
 124 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 tunates, led me to apply for admission. I was 
 told that it was not the day for public inspection ; 
 but when I showed them the magic name of ' The 
 Regulator,' and explained that I wrote (for very 
 small pay, you know) for its columns, the sealed 
 'doors opened, and I entered. 
 
 " Every thing seemed to be in apple-pie order, 
 notwithstanding it was not a show day ; and two or 
 three of the nurses, barring a certain disagreeable 
 firmness about the mouth, impressed me favorably. 
 The doctor, a portly Sir Chesterfield sort of man, 
 with a head like a lion, narrow shoulders, and a 
 terrible eye which I fear would drive me insane 
 if I had too much of it, explained all the workings 
 of the institution, which I will not now trouble 
 you with. 
 
 "One of the patients was a slender, hectic 
 woman, who ceased her rocking as I came near, 
 and, rushing towards me with clasped hands, cried 
 piteously, 
 
 " ' Have you seen my baby ? ' 
 
 " ' That is her cry, madam, morning and night,' 
 said the doctor. 
 
 " ' Is the child dead ? ' I asked. 
 
 " ' We fear so," he replied carefully, and in an
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE, 125 
 
 aside. 'Undoubtedly it perished by her hands; 
 but she was not responsible, having lost her mind 
 before its birth. It was born here.' 
 
 " What a pitiful story ! Do you follow it ? Born 
 in a madhouse ! its inheritance insanity ! 
 
 "Her mind was wrecked by the sudden death of 
 her husband. They were riding side by side, 
 when the horse took fright, and threw them both 
 out. He was instantly killed before her eyes, 
 while she was uninjured. She never smiled after 
 ward ; grew melancholy, and at last raving mad. 
 After the birth of the child, her insanity took a 
 milder form ; but she seemed to fear visitors wanted 
 to take her babe, and resorted to the most novel 
 methods to hide it. Sometimes the poor soul 
 would secrete it in the grounds, in curious corners 
 and out-houses, but always with an eye to its 
 safety. At last one day in June, she made her 
 escape ; and when found the child was not with 
 her. At first she said she had hidden it where 
 no one could find it, then that she had given it 
 away ; and at last she mourned for it incessantly. 
 The woods were searched and the rivers dragged 
 as far as practicable, but no trace was ever found 
 of the child. Undoubtedly she made way with the 
 poor little soul : if not, God help it ! "
 
 126 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Judge if I was not surprised, gratified, startled, 
 enlightened. The place was less than a mile from 
 the little side station where Conrad had stopped on 
 that eventful day ; the time June ; the circum 
 stances coincident. 
 
 I took up the letter again. 
 
 " Since then," continued my fair correspondent, 
 " the mother fancies that they have found the child, 
 and are keeping it from her. To every visitor she 
 puts the same melancholy query, 
 
 " ' Have you seen my i>aby ? ' 
 
 " Day after day she waylays the attendants and 
 even the doctor himself, pitifully entreating them 
 to give up the child, and offering "fabulous sums 
 for its restoration. They answer her kindly, it is 
 to be hoped, for the poor soul is drawing very near 
 the grave. The doctor thinks she cannot last 
 many weeks. She is a slight, sweet-looking 
 woman ; but her face is so stamped with unchan 
 ging sadness, that one cannot forget it. It has 
 followed me for days and days." 
 
 I hurried home with the letter to Lissa. She 
 read it through quietly and with a very grave face. 
 
 " The baby must go to its mother," said Lissa. 
 
 " But how do we know that she is its mother ? "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 127 
 
 " Why, of course it is : don't you see ? I'm as 
 sure of it as if I had been on the spot, and wit 
 nessed the whole transaction." 
 
 " You have been just as sure of other things," I 
 said, " and yet been mistaken." 
 
 " Oh, yes ! I know that : I'm not a bit wise ; I 
 never shall be, I suppose." 
 
 " And I don't want you to be, not at least till I 
 cut my own wisdom teeth," I made reply. " We 
 are only grown children at the best, but I must 
 say you are the most delightful specimen I ever 
 encountered." 
 
 " You forget Elsa," she said reprovingly. 
 
 " No ; for in you I have my Elsa reduplicated. 
 I somehow love you both in one. Does that 
 trouble you ? " 
 
 " On the contrary, it charms me. If I were 
 looking down from where she is, and you dis 
 paraged me in the slightest degree, I would go 
 seek another love in heaven ; but if you talked of 
 me as you do of your Elsa, I should want to clasp 
 you both in my arms and never lose you." 
 
 "Well, that is rather vague as to personality 
 and identity," was my reply ; " but we'll put it to the 
 account of the German tongue."
 
 128 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I never can be jealous of the dead," she said 
 softly and musingly, " because if I should die " 
 
 I caught her in my arms, and smothered the 
 unwelcome words down upon her lips with kisses. 
 
 " You are not going to die : you are going to live 
 to torment me till my gray hairs are uncountable ; 
 get me into scrapes innumerable, laugh me out of 
 my absurdities, and cry me into them again. You 
 are a witch-woman, Lissa; you are a German 
 Lorelei without her wickedness ; I think you must 
 have been the maiden of the Drachenfels some 
 hundreds of years ago, who subdued even the drag 
 on. Well, I won't be foolish any more. But how 
 about the baby ? " 
 
 " I shall take it there immediately." 
 " And am I to have nothing to say about it ? " 
 " What do men know about such, matters ? " 
 " I humbly bow to your superior knowledge ; but 
 it strikes me, that as I have a little business in that 
 vicinity, it would not be amiss to stop at the hospi 
 tal, and learn whether the state of the woman is 
 such that it would be advisable to carry the child 
 there." 
 
 " Y-es, maybe it would ; perhaps you are right," 
 she assented a little reluctantly.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 129 
 
 Accordingly, after a short consultation with the 
 professor, I ran down to H'. The result was a 
 telegraph line to Lissa : 
 
 " Woman is dead ; was buried yesterday." 
 I saw Perkins, the little oil-man, with a rag in 
 one hand and a lamp in the other; I looked out 
 of the narrow windows to the long stretches of 
 woods on either side, at the two shining rails that 
 faded into indistinctness ; I thought of the poor, 
 mindless mother, dying with her longing unsatis 
 fied ; and my heart went out to the orphan waif as 
 it never had gone before.
 
 130 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Cjjapter -Sixteen* 
 
 OU'LL send the piano, dear: mind you 
 don't forget." 
 
 "I'll send the piano: I won't forget. 
 You want a grand, don't you ? " 
 
 " Of course ; one of the best ; and two stools, 
 please, for the duets." 
 
 " All right ; stools for the duets. They'll be 
 here by three at the latest, if I live long enough to 
 order them." 
 
 " Now, Charlie, you are very forgetful." 
 
 " I know it, but this is an important commission. 
 All the forces of my intellect have been brought 
 to bear upon the proper exercise of the functions 
 of memory. I shall not forget. Au revoir" 
 
 I did not forget. There were rival music stores, 
 Dexter' s and Woufert's. Woufert advertised in 
 " The Regulator," Dexter did not : consequently I 
 felt myself in duty bound to patronize the little 
 bald-headed German, Woufert
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 131 
 
 We were to have a small, select company to 
 listen to a new star in the musical world. Conrad 
 had invited the college faculty, including the dean. 
 The latter wrote a rather stiff little note, excusing 
 himself and his daughter, which Conrad tore in 
 pieces as soon as he read it. 
 
 Von Lewes was the name of our new musical 
 celebrity. He had promised to take tea with us, 
 in order to enjoy a tete-d-tete in German with my 
 wife and the professor. I had invited several 
 editors of city journals, ordered ice-cream ad libi 
 tum, and felt myself beating time to the antici 
 pated harmony as I cheerfully hummed over my 
 work. 
 
 Woufert offered me his best piano, one that 
 he said had been tested by experts, and the sale of 
 which was now under consideration between two 
 parties, one of whom, the Swedish consul, would 
 be sure to buy. 
 
 The day passed happily away. Bores went by 
 the door. Contributors wrote pleasantly. I was 
 prepared to feel that the world was a harbor of rest 
 for weary souls, as I took my way homeward. 
 Suddenly, in fronting my house, I became aware of 
 a scene of unusual and perplexing annoyance.
 
 132 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Two immense vans, each loaded with a grand piano 
 of the largest calibre, blocked up the passage ; and 
 the drivers thereof were abusing each other in the 
 purest idiomatic Irish, while six brawny men on 
 either side were vociferating at the top of their 
 lungs, ordering, contradicting, jeering, and jest 
 ing, to the lively amusement of all the boys for a 
 dozen streets round. Two hurdy-gurdy performers 
 and a swarthy Italian, with hand-organ and mon 
 key, had paused to listen and to laugh. 
 
 Here was a dilemma. I came upon the situation 
 just as the two Milesian drivers were tearing off 
 what fragments of coats covered their rags, each 
 protesting that he would knock the other into 
 smithereens. Respectable windows on each side 
 of the street held their quota of respectable and 
 shocked faces. Here and there a voice cried, 
 Police!" 
 
 " See here, men, what's all the trouble ? " I asked 
 
 Imagine the irate Irishmen, both talking in what 
 was double Dutch to me, flourishing their whips, 
 pulling their beards, jerking heads, hands, and 
 elbows. 
 
 Just then, looking up at a square of window, I 
 saw Lissa's face. Its lineaments were despairing
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 133 
 
 to the last degree. Her rapid telegraphy sum 
 moned me within ; but I felt that this ridiculous 
 scene must be made an end of ; for the street was 
 nearly blocked up, as sundry drivers, with their 
 vehicles, had also stopped to see what was going 
 on. During this time, the two noble but wrathful 
 sons of Erin never abated their shibboleth. 
 
 " Men," I said, " which of you comes from Wou- 
 fert's?" 
 
 " It's mesilf, shure," cried the tallest, with a 
 touch-me-if-you-dare leer at his rival. 
 
 " You're the one I want, then ; and I'll give the 
 other a dollar to back out. There's some mistake 
 here." 
 
 " By the bones of St Patrick ! I should say there 
 was," repeated the discomfited Erinite, who had 
 been so politely informed that he was not wanted, 
 as he scratched his red head vigorously. 
 
 "Make quick work of it, boys. Here's your 
 dollar; and I'll come round to Dexter' s, and see 
 that it's all right." 
 
 Woufert's man gave his rimless hat a spin, and 
 fairly howled his ecstasy. The other, with more 
 venomous words, and vindictive shakes of his 
 head, than I can enumerate, backed out, to the
 
 134 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 consternation of all the boys, and the fright of the 
 girls, who decamped forthwith. 
 
 I had fairly taken in the situation, when I met 
 Lissa in the small reception-room. 
 
 " Well, my dear, all Oak Street has been notified 
 that we are to give a social musicale. It was a 
 good advertisement." 
 
 "Charlie, it's too bad! "she said, with tears in 
 her eyes. 
 
 " What is too bad ? " 
 
 " Why, every thing. The disgusting conduct of 
 those two men ! Conrad could do nothing with 
 them. And in the midst of it all, came your musi 
 cal friend. He could hardly get into the house. 
 What must he think ? " 
 
 " I suppose he simply wondered which was the 
 best piano. But, Lissa ! " 
 
 She cowered a little, like a child sensible of its 
 error. 
 
 "Three o'clock came, and and nothing else. 
 I thought you had forgotten : Conrad thought so 
 too." 
 
 " I hope, my dear, that some day you will see 
 the grandeur and justice of trusting your hus 
 band," I said quietly and deliberately.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 135 
 
 "She was silent for a single moment. 
 
 " Conrad said you traded with Dexter," she mur 
 mured ; " he gets all his music there." 
 
 " Who ordered it ? " 
 
 " I did." 
 
 " And you paid down for it ? " 
 
 " Yes, of course : ten dollars." 
 
 "Just exactly what I paid at Woufert's ; but 
 never mind, love, what is money ? Does not the 
 immortal Johnson say that money and time are 
 the heaviest burdens of life ? Let us not regret 
 our twenty dollars, then. But perhaps you also 
 ordered ice-cream and other sundries, for fear that 
 I forgot." 
 
 " And if I did ? " 
 
 " We'll sell it to-morrow, to defray expenses." 
 
 " I think you are the most hatefullest person that 
 ever was living. Can't you see how sorry I am ? 
 Can it now be helped ? Do you know what I felt 
 with all the fuss going on, and the fighting, and the 
 crowd, and the dread of seeing you come home, 
 because I had done thoughtless ? " 
 
 " Lissa, I am sorry." 
 
 " I don't care : you are always being sorry, and 
 always being unjust. I should have married in my 
 own country."
 
 136 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Why, Lissa, you did marry in your own coun 
 try but you made a mistake in the man, eh? 
 Come, honest." 
 
 " No ! " very short. 
 
 " Your husband is a great tyrant, who wants his 
 own way in every thing ; an absurd creature who 
 loves jokes better than his food, and scolds his wife 
 where he only means to laugh at her, that is, she 
 thinks he scolds her. And then she don't have 
 confidence in him ; and as he's a great, good-natured 
 fellow, she will boss him now and then." 
 
 " Never ! " angrily : " I never did in mine life." 
 
 " Only a little, just a little, to give spice to the 
 quiet of our existence." 
 
 " And you never make mistakes, never do outra 
 geous things ? " 
 
 "Yes, I do: I am going to do an outrageous 
 thing to-morrow see ! " 
 
 " Oh, opera ! " she cried, her eyes sparkling. 
 
 " Yes, and a box at that. Have you a pretty 
 dress ? " 
 
 " Charming ! blue silk : I have worn it but once ; 
 arid white cloak with the birds' down. O Charlie, 
 how nice you are ' " 
 
 " How about that German you should have mar 
 ried?"
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 137 
 
 " There never was a German half as good as you 
 only Conrad." 
 
 " And you forgive me the ten dollars ? " 
 
 Her laugh rang out. 
 
 " O Charlie ! you should have seen the fun. First 
 drove up one ; and no sooner had he rung the 
 door, than up came the other. And then they 
 stood on the doorstep, talking to Tiddy ; and Tiddy 
 threatened to throw hot water on them, and I came 
 down and begged them to wait a little. Then they 
 climbed to their seats, and presently began joking 
 each other, and grew angry, and the little boys 
 cheered. I can laugh at it now, because it seems 
 so ridiculous ; but I could have cried, and then I 
 was so mortified to think it was all my doing. I 
 was so sure you had forgotten it when Mr. Dexter 
 said you had not been in at all. How did I know 
 about the other music-store ? " 
 
 Did ever man have a more charming wife ? She 
 could have had the half of my kingdom for the 
 asking.
 
 138 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 |LBANI sang that night in the opera " Son- 
 nambula," which was a favorite of Lissa's. 
 Like a white star set in blue, my little wife 
 shone beside me ; and I confess to being quite 
 elated by the admiration she excited. 
 
 Perhaps it was a drawback to find Mrs. Ellery 
 also an occupant of our box, in company with two 
 young men about town, instead of her lawful hus 
 band. Lissa's greeting was constrained, but Mrs. 
 Ellery never accepted a slight. She was more 
 than ordinarily gracious to my wife : she devoted 
 herself to me equally with her two cavaliers. It was 
 in that quality of making herself agreeable to any 
 number of gentlemen, and in such a way that each 
 one felt himself flattered by her exclusive prefer 
 ence, that Mrs. Ellery excelled. 
 
 " What a powerful voice ! how deliciously clear 
 and pure ! " she observed, leaning over Lissa, and
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 139 
 
 shaking her rich laces with the effort. " Do you 
 notice the middle register? YQU must let me 
 write her up for you, will you? I so dote on 
 Albani ! " 
 
 " You have my permission, certainly," I said. 
 
 " What an atmosphere of poetry she must carry 
 about with her perpetually ! " she continued. " Do 
 you know, she has set a dozen sonnets flying 
 through my brain ? ' Oh, spring-tide bloom ! ' is 
 one which is slowly shaping into roundness and 
 finish. Does your wife write ? Do you ever write 
 poetry, Mrs. Harman ? you look as if you did." 
 
 Lissa blushed, and her eyes appealed to me. 
 
 " I am sure she could, Mrs. Ellery, if she tried ; 
 but my wife's poetry is in her home-surroundings, 
 and her husband reads it every day in the grace 
 and comfort she creates." 
 
 " Very pretty, I'm sure. Your husband has not 
 yet ceased to be your lover, Mrs. Harman," she 
 said, laughing. " If we poor women could always 
 be so appreciated ! But ah ! Albani is singing, 
 A/i, non credea ! What a shame that I should 
 talk ! " 
 
 After a time, and when there was a brief lull in 
 the music, she leaned over again.
 
 140 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " There is a very pretty woman who constantly 
 eyes you through her glass, in one of the opposite 
 boxes," she said to me. I looked in the direction 
 indicated, so did Lissa. 
 
 " She is pretty, indeed she is very pretty," said 
 'Lissa. " Do you know her ? " 
 
 " I do not," was my reply. 
 
 "You should consider it a compliment : she 
 looks at no one but you," continued Mrs. Ellery. 
 " I have been watching her : she must be talking 
 of you, too, to somebody hidden by the curtain." 
 
 In a few moments a card was handed to me. 
 The name was one which I was not familiar with, 
 but I stepped out of my box to meet the gentle 
 man who sent it. 
 
 " Will you go round with me ? " he asked, " to 
 see an old friend of yours ? " * 
 
 I could do no more than excuse myself to Lissa, 
 and in a short time found myself, to my intense 
 surprise, the occupant of the box opposite, indicat 
 ed by Mrs. Ellery, and seated beside the lady who 
 had used her opera-glasses so indefatigably during 
 the evening. 
 
 If ever mortal man was placed in a dilemma, I 
 was that night. I faund the lady in question an
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 141 
 
 old friend of my youth ; and, on closer inspection, 
 her beauty was not so fresh as it looked across the 
 house. If you have ever been caught between 
 two rapid talkers who value nothing so highly as 
 their own vocal powers, who question you, ply you 
 with facts, go into long genealogical researches, 
 and who, in fine, are never so happy as when talk 
 ing of themselves, you will imagine the perplexity 
 I was in. In vain I tried to excuse myself, hint 
 ed that I had left my wife alone : my tormentors 
 had me by the button, and were determined to 
 keep me. 
 
 I thought I saw a smile of fiendish satisfaction 
 on Mrs. Ellery's face as one of the young men 
 took my seat beside Lissa. And, was it possible ? 
 was that my wife laughing, talking to him, playing 
 wilh her fan, her cheeks red, her eyes intense with 
 light, her manner gracious ? 
 
 I saw Mrs. Ellery bend over and speak to Lissa, 
 and Lissa answer back with unwonted freedom. 
 Her manner I could tell was the outgrowth of 
 some new emotion. Presently glasses were lev 
 elled towards her. People seemed but just finding 
 out that there was a beauty, a new, fresh importa 
 tion, the .burning gold of whose hair under the
 
 142 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 lustres was not to be matched in all that great 
 assembly. 
 
 It was not till near the close of the last act that 
 I could free myself of my tormentors. 
 
 " Tell your charming wife that I shall do myself 
 the honor of calling and making her acquaintance," 
 laughed the lady ; " but pray don't add the senti 
 mental fact that you were an old beau of mine." 
 
 " I don't think I shall, madam," was my mental 
 answer, and hurrying away I entered my own box. 
 There was no seat for me now except behind 
 Lissa ; and beyond a cold nod Lissa never recog 
 nized me. The young jackanapes beside her coolly 
 kept my chair, completely ignoring me ; and, unless 
 Lissa had signified the wish, I had not the nerve 
 just then to ask him to resign my place. So we 
 sat there, I sullen and moody ; Lissa gay by fits 
 and starts, talking much to Mrs. Ellery, who pre 
 tended great confidences, but never once speaking 
 to me till the entertainment was over. 
 
 " Well, have you enjoyed yourself ? " I asked, as 
 I drew Lissa's cloak closer over her throat. 
 
 " Not a bit," she answered with a rapid gesture. 
 
 " If she hasn't, I know somebody who has," 
 laughed Mrs. Ellery, who overheard us,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 143 
 
 " If you mean me, madam," I said coldly, " I 
 give you much credit for your penetration : if you 
 mean the gentleman who came with you, I'm 
 afraid he needs more brains to be capable of enjoy 
 ing any thing besides his dinner." 
 
 " Now, suppose I meant myself," laughed the 
 lady, turning the table on me with her woman's 
 wit. 
 
 " Then I have nothing to say," was my reply, 
 feeling very much like a fool, as any man will who 
 allows himself to give way to his passion. 
 
 Lissa leaned back in a corner of the carriage. 
 It was not that way she was wont to drive home 
 with me. 
 
 " I thought you were very happy as I looked at 
 you across the theatre," I said, holding down my 
 resentment. 
 
 " And you ? " she said. 
 
 " Oh ! I was in paradise, if you'll substitute the 
 other, less polite word. They held me wedged in 
 like a piece of bread inside a toaster, and would 
 not let me budge till I was thoroughly done 
 brown." 
 
 " But you said you didn't know the lady."
 
 144 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Good reason why : I had forgotten her, till she 
 told me who she was." 
 
 " But Mrs. Ellery said you did know all the time 
 that it was an old flame; and then she told me 
 things that made me think so meanly of all men." 
 
 " Mrs. Ellery is a serpent. I'll publish no more 
 of her sonnets. But you, I saw you laughing, 
 and I won't say coquetting, but " 
 
 " Say any thing, Charlie. I was angry with you, 
 after what she told me ; and I grew more and more 
 careless, till I laughed and talked with that silly 
 man, thinking you had forgotten that you left me 
 alone. I didn't know I could do such things : I 
 didn't know it was in me. I had rather stay at 
 home : I love home best. Our own little companies 
 are better than those hot, bright places, where men 
 stare into your face, and strangers, if they get the 
 chance, say things which make you laugh, but which 
 you hate." 
 
 " And women like Mrs. Ellery ' 
 
 " Oh ! I am thankful you told me not to see her," 
 she interrupted : " she has power to please, and she 
 would do me harm. I wish I wish_y0# had never 
 known her."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 145 
 
 By this time I had drawn my own true little wife 
 into my arms ; and, though indorsing much that 
 she said, I could not find it in my heart to believe 
 that Mrs. Ellery, with all her fascinations, could do 
 her any harm. Such women as my Lissa are very 
 near the angels. 
 
 " Suppose," said I, whispering close to her ear, 
 "suppose you trust your husband in these as in 
 other matters? The a*mbition and vanity of that 
 poor woman have led her far astray, I fear ; and, 
 seeing you as pure and good as she once was, she 
 cannot rest till she throws a few seeds of distrust 
 and suspicion into your mind, hoping that they may 
 germinate, and in time make you such a one as 
 herself. With all her art, and she has much, she 
 never yet was able to veil her mental and moral 
 defects from me. I would guard you from such 
 persons, and from those who follow and flatter 
 her." 
 
 Lissa nestled closer. 
 
 " Just so would I keep myself so honorable in all 
 dealings with men and women, and with the world, 
 that I should never blush to feel your clear eyes 
 upon me, even if they should read my very soul."
 
 146 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I will never feel again as I felt to-night," sne 
 said solemnly and tearfully. 
 
 How little she knew that her words were as a 
 two-edged sword ! When we got home we were 
 shocked with the news, 
 
 " The baby is dead 1 "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 147 
 
 Cijapter 3Ei 
 
 JHE poor dead baby ! 
 
 I had never felt any special affection for 
 it Its coming had been a source of dis 
 quiet, its leaving was to me a relief. And, in say 
 ing this, I do not think I prove myself hard-hearted. 
 
 I stood and looked at the tiny creature, Lissa 
 leaning on my shoulder with emotions of awe and 
 sympathy which I think the pen of an angel could 
 never write out ; for angels see no little upturned 
 faces like that in the gardens above. 
 
 How still it was ! how white, how perfect in 
 its repose ! Death is the true Carrara marble, after 
 all. No chisel could trace such veins, or cloud the 
 forehead with those glittering threads that a breath 
 might disturb, or give that unparalleled polish which 
 speak the cold king an artist whose conceptions no 
 human hand has ever approached. 
 
 " It is so safe now," said Lissa, in her tender 
 voice, the pendent tears shining on her long lashes.
 
 148 
 
 She nestled a little closer to it, then she looked 
 up at me. 
 
 " Hasrit it had a good time ? Plenty of tending, 
 pretty clothes, a nurse to carry it out, two mothers 
 to love and work for it, Jo and I. Are you sorry, 
 dear, now, that it came ? " 
 
 I understood her ; and the question gave me a 
 qualm or two. Yet God knows I was not sorry for 
 all she had spent, and all she had done, though I 
 had thought more of her pleasure than any thing 
 else ; and so I told her. 
 
 Poor Jo mourned with the true mother grief. 
 The little one had died in comparative health, one 
 moment smiling and cooing on her lap, the next, 
 a direful spasm, and it was gone. The curl on 
 her forehead looked straight and lustreless, her 
 eyes were red with weeping. I think she had 
 loved it more when she knew that Conrad had 
 brought it there. 
 
 Tiddy was in her element. She loved to fix up 
 for " flumerals," as she persisted in pronouncing it. 
 With her best red and blue turban set high on her 
 gray locks, she made as many errands to the dark 
 ened parlor as she could consistently with her 
 duties below stairs. We found her once solilo-
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE', 149 
 
 quizing over the little body in the following 
 fashion : 
 
 " Wonner what yo's doin' now, little mistis ? 
 Reckon de lightnin' ain't nothin' to de brightness 
 up a dar, yender, umph, umph ! Scuse my askin' 
 ob ye, but ye looks so mighty sweet, wid heaven's 
 daylight shinin' straight down on yo' little white 
 face ! Nostle down close to de Lord when yo' sees 
 him, umph. umph ! case de Lord's powerful fond 
 o' little chillen, honey. An', ef ye sees a small 
 brack chile a-trotting round up yer, an' her name's 
 Amy, dat's mine. I's never had none but her, an' 
 dat's de one. You jis gib her my lub. Tell her 
 de old mammy's gwine to jine de saints by'm-by, 
 in de glory, umph, umph ! " 
 
 Then she wiped her eyes with her apron, and 
 dusted the casket, while we made good our retreat. 
 
 It was all-over. 
 
 The women-folks had made wreaths and crosses 
 of the sweetest flowers that grow, for the coffin-lid, 
 and placed in the baby hand a wax-like cluster of 
 white roses. There was no mother, alas ! to kiss 
 it, and cry out in the passion of her anguish, " I 
 cannot have it so ! " It was a waif, after all ; but it 
 had gone to the warm mother heart, and to the 
 father who had not lived to see it.
 
 150 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " How can one tell ? " I asked myself. We all do. 
 There is a mystery in the soulless form, as awful 
 as it is grand. My question meant, How can one 
 tell whither it has gone ? But here the faint, sweet 
 scent of the violets, breathed by some invisible 
 atmosphere, came to my senses ; and I said to my 
 self, " Even as I cannbt see the fragrance of these 
 flowers, but know it is there, so that which made 
 this little child immortal is somewhere, fragrant 
 and beautiful, though impalpable to touch." 
 
 A few friends came in ; a few friends went out, 
 and before them was carried the little form.* Dust 
 to dust ! O mothers ! how do you hear it and live ? 
 Ashes to ashes ! Even I felt my eyes moisten, 
 and my tongue grow dry over the mound of that 
 small wayfarer. 
 
 What do the mothers feel ? 
 
 It was very quiet after that for days, Jo plunged 
 into her German ; and Lissa busied herself, I knew 
 not how, only occasionally on her slender fore 
 finger I saw just the slightest stain of ink. 
 
 I took her to task for it. 
 
 " Do you suppose I have no friends to whom I 
 write letters ? " she asked. 
 
 " Not in this country," I said.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 151 
 
 " There you are mistaken : I do have a corre 
 spondent." 
 
 " Man, or woman ? " 
 
 " I sha'n't tell you." 
 
 " Allow me to guess, then." 
 
 " You can't." 
 
 " A woman, and a very swe*et one." 
 
 She looked startled. 
 
 " Her name is Nellie Walters." 
 
 " Now, how did you know that ? " she asked, 
 provoked. 
 
 " When the dean's man comes over here twice a 
 week, with the regularity of clock-work, I am 
 bound to know what he comes for. If without 
 much prying I see my wife's name on the back of 
 an envelope of the smallest possible dimensions, I 
 am quite satisfied that I know the writer of the 
 note. But hear me further : that doesn't account 
 for the mystery of the inked finger." 
 
 " It's all the account you will get," she answered, 
 laughing. 
 
 "And I didn't know Conrad was so sly." 
 
 " Conrad has nothing to do with it," she replied, 
 coloring. 
 
 "No, but Conrad is in every line, Conrad's
 
 152 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 thoughts, wishes, desires. What could these 
 letters be worth to her unless they came from 
 under the roof that covers Conrad, flavored with 
 the touch that has also been shared with Conrad ? 
 for, don't you see, you shake hands with him every 
 morning. That's a pretty German custom." 
 
 " I can't find my scissors," said Lissa, turning 
 away with a pretended pout. 
 
 " Yesterday it was your thimble. Did you find 
 it ? " 
 
 " Yes ; and where in the world do you sup 
 pose ? " she asked, laughing. 
 
 " In the coal-hod perhaps." 
 
 " No ; in the pocket of the white vest you wore 
 yesterday." 
 
 " Oh ! and so of course I am to blame." 
 
 " Well, no : perhaps when I sat on your knee 
 I remember fumbling in your pockets for some 
 change." 
 
 " So you did. By the way, my careful little wife, 
 you just remind me that I need that money, 
 two hundred and fifty, wasn't it ? I gave to you 
 to keep for me a week ago yesterday. I'm glad I 
 thought of it : I've promised to pay a bill." 
 
 " I'll get it for you," she said, running out of the
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 153 
 
 room. I sat down, and began whistling content 
 edly. Five, ten minutes passed. The whistle 
 stopped of itself : my hat fell lower and lower. I 
 think I must have been asleep ; for I was swim 
 ming so violently when I came to myself, that I 
 had unconsciously broken a hole in the window- 
 glass, and cut my hand. 
 
 " Charlie ! " called a trembling voice. I went to 
 the door. There, at the head of the stairs, stood 
 Lissa, a picture of distress. 
 
 " Well, what's the matter now ? " 
 
 "I can't find it." 
 
 " Can't find what ? " said I, nursing my cut hand. 
 
 " That money. I've been hunting almost an 
 hour: it's certainly stolen." 
 
 " But who would steal it ? " I asked, as the hall- 
 clock confirmed the truth of her statement. I had 
 been due at my office for the last thirty minutes. 
 
 " I don't know. I put it in my toilet-box, and 
 locked it up; but it's not there, or anywhere." 
 
 I hastened up stairs. She had evidently been 
 looking. Every drawer in her bureau was on the 
 floor. She certainly must have resorted to ex 
 tremes. Bags, books, vases, baskets, dresses with 
 the pockets dragged out, trunks, boxes, I could 
 hardly find room for a standing-place.
 
 154 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " There ! you see I have searched every thing 
 that could be searched. Jo has been helping me ; 
 and it's gone. Of course it hasn't gone without 
 hands." 
 
 " But, my dear, whom do you suspect ? Conrad 
 has money enough ; so has Jo, and poor old 
 Tiddy." 
 
 " But, Charlie, you forget the new girl and the 
 French maid." 
 
 " True, I did forget them both. What shall we 
 do about it ? " 
 
 " I don't know." 
 
 "Two hundred and fifty dollars don't grow on 
 every bush ; and my expenses have been enormous 
 lately. Are you sure you put it there ? " 
 
 " Oh, so very sure ! I remember the very day, 
 the hour, the minute almost, and that I dropped 
 your cameo ring in at the same time." 
 
 " Did the nurse ever have your keys ? " 
 
 " She might have had them." 
 
 " Ah ! you leave them lying about sometimes." 
 
 " Once in a very great while," with considerable 
 emphasis. 
 
 " We must go after the girl. Where is she 
 now?" Lissa found the card of her new place, 
 tflurmuring as she produced it,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 155 
 
 " Now you think me careless ; and I do try so 
 hard not to be careless ! " 
 
 " I don't think you are ever careless, Lissa," I 
 made answer, "only when you lose things ;" and 
 I suppose my smile was very grim, for she drew 
 back as well as she could for the confusion. I had 
 lost more than an hour of valuable time (oh, that 
 wife of mine!), I had lost two hundred and fifty 
 dollars, I had lost my credit with the gentleman 
 who promised to meet me half an hour before, 
 I had lost every thing but my temper, and once 
 or twice that threatened to fail me. 
 
 The French nurse fortunately was not called 
 upon that day, my business cares preventing. I 
 decided to see to the matter on the following day, 
 and returned home thoroughly wearied out. 
 
 The first person I met was my wife. Delight 
 and chagrin seemed equally mingled in her face, as 
 she made her usual exclamation, 
 
 " O Charlie ! " 
 
 " Well, what now ? " 
 
 " I've found it." 
 
 "What! the money?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " In the name of the treasury of the United
 
 156 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 States, where ? I thought you looked the house 
 through." 
 
 " So did I ; but a few minutes ago, Jo was fixing 
 up poor baby's little crib, and there, under the mat 
 tress, she found the pocket-book." 
 
 " And pray who put it there ? " 
 
 " Why, I did." 
 
 " You did ! I thought you remembered dis 
 tinctly putting it in the toilet-box." 
 
 "Yes, and that was true. But the day of the 
 baby's funeral, I thought the house was more open 
 to strangers ; and so I took it out of the box, and 
 hid it in the crib. I hope you didn't go to see that 
 poor girl." 
 
 " What was to hinder ? But I didn't," I replied, 
 glad enough to feel the greenbacks. " And really 
 you should be praised for your care of the money, 
 after all, eh ? " 
 
 " I wish I wasn't so short memory," she said 
 regretfully. 
 
 " Well, well, in view of your many other excel 
 lent qualities, we'll forgive the memory this time." 
 And we all went down to tea. 
 
 During that meal we discussed the nursery fur 
 niture. Should we sell it ? or lend it, as Lissa
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 157 
 
 suggested, to some one of the poor families she 
 knew ? 
 
 " It's quite too handsome for that," said Jo. 
 
 " As I was the means of its introduction, I don't 
 know but I ought to take it off your hands," said 
 Conrad laughingly. 
 
 Tiddy settled the question. She had been 
 standing in the background, silent and absorbed, 
 her black arms folded across her ample chest. 
 
 " What's the 'lessor want o' dem ar tings ? " she 
 queried. " De stars and de stones is all he kin 
 take car of. Don't you sell em, chile," addressing 
 Lissa. " Wha's de use o' selh'n' sich things ? Dey 
 allers comes handy." 
 
 Nevertheless, if the things were not sold, I fear 
 some of them found their way to certain quarters 
 known only to Jo and my wife; for I distinctly 
 overheard the latter say, 
 
 " Yes, I know it's pretty and costly ; but, if they 
 are poor people, they have eyes to see and hearts 
 to appreciate. It will be like a bit of perpetual 
 sunshine in their midst." 
 
 And so somebody was made happier.
 
 158 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter Nineteen. 
 
 SOMETIMES went up into Conrad's den 
 to have a chat with him. The room, being 
 situated at the top of the house, was 
 bright with its four windows, which gave views of 
 some pretty country over the river. These were 
 very enjoyable after a daily diet of brick and mor 
 tar. 
 
 There is something in the aspect of far-stretch 
 ing hills, undulating through all the choicest shades 
 of woodland colors, running carelessly out in little 
 green points of land, through the river, showing 
 here and there the fresh reds and yellows of the 
 outcropping earth ; the sinuous line that curls 
 against the gray or blue of the horizon in rippling 
 tree-tops, as far as the eye can reach ; the hush 
 and beauty of distance, the changing sun-tides and 
 cloud shadows, the whole combination of skies, 
 woods, and water, that lifts me out of my ordinary
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 159 
 
 self, soothes, invigorates, and inspires me, and from 
 which I retreat with an exultation of spirit that 
 gives me kinship to the immortals. 
 
 Conrad himself has a wonderful talent for group 
 ing things. There is his desk on the right, just 
 where the window in the south throws a perfect 
 light. -The desk is framed in by books, and, save 
 a few papers upon its leaf, is in spotless order. 
 Across the room, in quite as favorable a light, 
 stand the music-rack, flute, guitar, and musical 
 library, a choice selection of authors of the Old 
 World, the German and Italian masters. In still 
 another place is his flower-stand on which are pots 
 of the choicest blooms ; for Conrad has a special 
 genius for cultivating house-plants, and it is seldom 
 that we do not have 'exotics on our table the year 
 round. Add to these things, his microscopical 
 apparatus, an astronomical globe, a table or two 
 rilled with papers and periodicals, and you have a 
 tolerable idea of the professor's surroundings. 
 
 " The faculty are anxious to publish my last 
 two lectures on the origin of the Gulf Stream," 
 said Conrad, as I sat feasting my eyes on the glow 
 ing landscape beyond. 
 
 " Have you convinced them of the correctness 
 of your theory ? "
 
 160 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " By no means," he said quickly. " The dean 
 ridicules it to my face ; and the rest pronounce it 
 curious asd ingenious, though they all cling to the 
 old lunar theory." 
 
 " I dare say Miss Nellie's enthusiasm makes up 
 for her father's unbelief," I said. 
 
 He looked at me with a smile that haloed all 
 his face, that clear, courtly, old Germanic type of 
 face, that approaches so near the ideally classic, 
 and in which I saw the yet finer lineaments of my 
 Lissa. The smile said perhaps more than he 
 meant it should. I had oftener than once met two 
 figures gliding quietly, over the college grounds, 
 and surmised that Miss Nellie had stolen out to 
 meet our Conrad by previous agreement. And 
 why, as Lissa said with head well lifted, should the 
 dean look down on our brother, gifted, successful, 
 and able to support a wife in comfort and even 
 affluence ? What blame if, loving each other, rich 
 in life, rich in talents, rich in youth and hope, they, 
 being without reason kept asunder, sought occa 
 sions for meeting thus by stealth ? They were 
 pleasant grounds to walk in, and there were many 
 other delightful promenades in the vicinity ; ar.d 
 there were nights of clear moons and the while
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. l6l 
 
 splendor of starlight. They violated no commands, 
 for nothing had as yet been said between the dean 
 and his daughter. In each heart the sweet flowers 
 of love had opened; no withering breath had come 
 over them yet ; they were full of the dew of hope. 
 
 Just before the tea-bell rang, I strolled across to 
 Conrad's desk. 
 
 " Aha ! Lissa has been here." 
 
 " How ! " cried Conrad confusedly: 
 
 "I say this is.Lissa's handwriting; and this is 
 her pen ; and here is her inkstand. The proof is 
 complete." 
 
 Conrad quietly covered the evidences with his 
 newspaper. 
 
 " Of course Lissa comes here. Do you think I 
 can give her up altogether ? Ah ! to make a man 
 thoroughly selfish, get him married." . 
 
 " Has Lissa been copying for you ? " 
 
 " She does copy for me," he replied. 
 
 " But, my dear fellow, my eyes are quick : they 
 are editorial eyes, therefore Argus eyes. What I 
 saw was poetry : now, you do not write poetry." 
 
 " How do you know ? " 
 
 I looked at him with a broad smile : he looked 
 at me with an equally broad smile.
 
 162 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Now I see," I said. " I have a new correspond 
 ent. He, she, or it very timidly ventures to send 
 me a few poetical lines. The lines are read ; I 
 find them more than commonly good ; I publish 
 them, and wonder who the author is ; she must 
 be very young, but her thoughts are delicately 
 matured. I say as much in the paper. Now and 
 then, on my coming home, I find Lissa abstracted, 
 absent-minded, serious ; then I discover small stains 
 of ink on her fingers ; then, by the merest chance, 
 I see poems upon your table. Aha ! and you have 
 been aiding and abetting my small wife ! " I shook 
 my finger at him. 
 
 " Only to the extent of helping in the translation 
 into English, for you must know these little things 
 were written before Lissa ever saw you." 
 
 " Is that possible ? " I exclaimed, astonished. 
 " And she never so much as breathed to me that 
 she could write a line." 
 
 " The child wrote them because they sang in her 
 head, she said at the time," continued Conrad ; 
 " and I confess I was rather hard upon her. I told 
 her she had copied this or that poet of our German 
 land, when it was evident she had never read them ; 
 for, strange to say, it is difficult for her to read
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 163 
 
 poetry. Then I told her they had best be put 
 away, and not thought about for a long time to 
 come, but by and by looked over, re-written, and 
 polished. She always did as I told her ; and con 
 sequently the little verses have not seen the light 
 till now, for soon after that you came, and, I sus 
 pect, put all thought of poetry out of her mind." 
 
 " Had I better tell her I know ? " 
 
 " I think not : let her surprise you in her own 
 way ; she has set her heart upon it." 
 
 " At all events, I must go and give her a kiss, 
 for it will be a horrible self-denial to keep silence," 
 I said, and forthwith hurried down stairs to Lissa's 
 room. For the first time in my life I found it 
 locked. 
 
 " Who's there ? " called my wife. 
 
 " I, plenipotentiary from the court of love, and 
 chief arbiter of your affections, your husband," I 
 answered. 
 
 " Wait a minute," she called back ; and, after 
 waiting five, I was graciously permitted to open 
 the door of my own room. I took her by both 
 hands, and looked at her. Her floss-like hair had 
 gathered in all manner of waves and curls around 
 her forehead and temples ; her cheeks were flushed, 
 her breath was short.
 
 164 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " What guilty thing have you been doing now ? >v 
 I asked. 
 
 She laughed merrily. 
 
 " I was only putting away things." 
 
 " And what do you mean by putting away things ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Why, to make the room look nice, of course ; 
 they were scattered about ; and, if you please, I 
 won't have any questions asked. For shame of 
 you, to want to pry into secrets ! " 
 
 " So there is a mystery ! You are a second Ca 
 lypso for secrecy and silence ; but, I warn you, I 
 will find it out." 
 
 " Of course you will, in time ; " and just then the 
 bell rang for tea, 
 
 I did find it out in time. 
 
 One day my wife came in with a great package 
 that reached to her chin. 
 
 " They have just come home," she said, " and I 
 had on my bonnet to go over to Mrss Walters with 
 a book I promised her." 
 
 " And in that book there is a note," said I. 
 
 "That is nothing I shall tell you ; but you don't 
 ask what is this ? I never saw a man of so little 
 curiosity in all my life ; you don't even take it out 
 of my hands." .
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. . 165 
 
 " I hasten to apologize , and pray tell me what 
 it is." 
 
 I unpinned the paper. Lissa's eyes glistened. 
 
 "All of my own doing : every stitch I sewed ! " 
 she cried triumphantly. " I said you should wear 
 some shirts made by my hands ; and there they 
 are, just come from the laundry. Don't they are 
 beautiful?" she asked in her pretty broken Eng 
 lish. 
 
 " A set of shirts, and you made them ? Why, I 
 shall be as proud as Pharaoh if my wife keeps on 
 enlightening me with regard to her accomplish 
 ments. But, above all, I dote on nice shirts." 
 
 " I know it ; and because you are so very partic 
 ular, I took a good shirt all in pieces, and cut out 
 every thing, even to the smallest small bit.^Oh, 
 what work it is! I wouldn't even let Jo help me. 
 It took me days and days, for I measured to the 
 very breadth of a hair." 
 
 " Many thanks, my darling. You are so kind to 
 take such pains for your careless old husband," I 
 said. " I shall prize them more than gold." 
 
 " And I .am sure they will fit, oh, beautiful ! Try 
 them on, and let me know when I come home. I 
 am going to stay with Nellie till dinner-time. 
 Good-morning," and with a kiss she left me.
 
 l66 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 To say I was delighted with Lissa's gift would 
 be but a tame description of my feelings. I was 
 touched at the thought of her painstaking, her 
 care in hiding from me the task of love that had 
 probably extended over weeks of toilsome sewing ; 
 for, as I afterwards found, she had not used the 
 sewing-machine, but put in every stitch with her 
 own fingers. I took pains to examine the work. 
 It was most delicately done : every thread shone 
 under the polish of the laundry iron in minutest 
 stitches. How proud I should be to wear them ! 
 They would seem like shirts of mail, protecting 
 me from every danger that might threaten my 
 peace. 
 
 It was a leisure day. The paper was out, and 
 nothing imperative called me to the office. I was 
 curious to see how my present would fit, and 
 accordingly took advantage of the opportunity 
 I tried my best to get into the first one : I did 
 get into it after some little difficulty, but that 
 was all. Something held my arms out at right 
 angles. I think it must have been the armholes, 
 for they caught my shoulders like a vise, and kept 
 them stationary. In vain I tried to clutch at the 
 collar, Wriggled this way and that, panted, per-
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 167 
 
 spired. Oh that they would fit me, for Lissa's 
 sake ! I tried on the next. The shoulders were 
 loose enough, but the bosom would not meet 
 within an inch from top to bottom : there was 
 clearly no help for that defect. The third one 
 choked me so that I should have been black in the 
 face in five minutes. The fourth was a combina 
 tion of all the defects of the three preceding, and 
 gave me the look of a chicken just bursting out 
 of its shell. The other two were duplicates of the 
 first and second. 
 
 The beautiful shirts ! Lissa's gift. I laid them 
 all aside with a gesture of despair. I was ut 
 terly disappointed and miserable, for there was no 
 remedy ; and how could I tell that poor, exultant 
 little soul that every shirt was a misfit ? Some 
 men might have done it. I called to mind a fact 
 in which the husband, not meaning to be unkind, 
 remarked, when a similar gift was made with equal 
 love and labor, 
 
 " They arc very nice, but you ought to see the 
 shirts my mother 'makes ! " 
 
 I thought rapidly under the spur of my love for 
 Lissa. What should I do ? To wear them was 
 out of the question ; t have them altered, equally
 
 l68 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 impracticable. I took the precious bundle finally, 
 after I had decided what should be their destina 
 tion, and hid it away in a box up stairs, almost as 
 guiltily as if I were burying something human. 
 Lissa rarely went among the old things up stairs, 
 so I was safe. Then I hurried down to a certain 
 store where my shirts were usually made, and left 
 my order for a set of shirts to be sewed by hand 
 in the best style of needle-work, to be finished by 
 a certain time, and left at my office. Finally I 
 intended to smuggle them home in a way that 
 should not attract Lissa's notice. 
 
 I took .good care to avoid a tete-ct-t$te with Lissa 
 until after tea. 
 
 " Well," she said, with a beaming face, as I shel 
 tered myself behind the evening paper, " and how 
 did the shirts fit?" 
 
 "You ought to have seen them," I exclaimed, 
 with an eloquent countenance. 
 
 " I knew they would please you." 
 
 " Please me ! I am enchanted." 
 
 " I was a little afraid, you know, because Jo said 
 they ought to be shrinked." 
 
 I looked at her helplessly. 
 
 " Shrinked in the cloth, you know what I
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 169 
 
 mean, washed or wet before made". I forgot 
 that." 
 
 " Ah !'" said I thoughtlessly, " that lets the secret 
 out ; " and then I bit my lip. I could have bitten 
 it .through. 
 
 " What secret ? lets what secret out ? " she 
 asked rapidly. 
 
 " Why, that they felt so dry and and stiff, you 
 know, in fact, just as new shirts always feel." 
 
 " But they did fit well ? " she queried anxiously. 
 
 "They fit like every thing!" I said with un 
 wonted enthusiasm. " Do you know," I added 
 glibly, " I thought so much of those shirts, that I 
 laid them away as if they had been the greatest 
 treasure in life, for fear I should put one of them 
 on." 
 
 " For fear ? " she ejaculated with a puzzled look. 
 
 " For this reason," I went on as hastily as possi 
 ble. " Those are uncommonly beautiful shirts : they 
 ought to be ; they were made by an uncommonly 
 beautiful woman. Now, those shirts are only fit to 
 be donned on festivals, great occasions, you 
 know ; and not one of them is to be worn before 
 the 28th of September, which you will please bear 
 in mind is my birthday. What do you think of that, 
 Iitt4e woman ? ''
 
 170 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " I should like at least to see one of them on. 
 There might be something to be done." 
 
 " Not a thing can be done, not a thing to im 
 prove them ; " and I covered a convulsive laugh 
 with an outrageous fit of impromptu coughing, 
 which almost strangled me, and for which I left the 
 room to find a remedy. But, once alone by myself, 
 I laughed till I cried, as I thought of my image in 
 the looking-glass, and the rueful figure I cut in the 
 beautiful new shirts.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 171 
 
 'HE ruse succeeded to perfection. The new 
 shirts were models of fineness and beauty. 
 Lissa was radiant. 
 
 " It is the first I ever did ! " she repeated again 
 again, and called all the household to look at them. 
 Of course I alone was in the secret ; and a secret 
 it should be, I had determined, to the end of my 
 life. At first my conscience was as easy as the 
 fit of the shirts. Lissa came up to me, then went 
 back, then came up again. 
 
 " Well, dear, what is it ? " I asked, not without 
 some misgivings. 
 
 " I was thinking. Did I make two rows of 
 stitching round the collar ? I must have, to be 
 sure ; but still,, did I ? I don't remember." 
 
 Another day she examined the collar. " How 
 can they have changed ? " she murmured. 
 
 " Lissa, you are nervous over these shirts, my
 
 172 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 dear," I said. " Please let tpe enjoy them, and 
 don't worry." 
 
 I would have you know I was now to deal with 
 the fine perceptions of a woman who wanted to be 
 convinced, yet not against her will. 
 
 " But the collars are not rounding ; arid I made 
 the collars rounding." 
 
 " They probably ironed them out," I said. " Be 
 sides, all my other shirts are just like this.-' 
 
 " Yes, I know : and I didn't like it ; so I changed 
 the collars just the least bit little." 
 
 " You did ! " I said, aghast. 
 
 " Yes, I did. I don't see how they could have 
 ironed out ; but maybe they pulled them." 
 
 " Yes, maybe they did. Lord forgive me ! " I 
 thought to myself. 
 
 I came home one day, and found her poring over 
 the shirts, and looking wonderfully perplexed. 
 
 " At those shirts again ! " I cried, thinking of 
 Nemesis. 
 
 " They do act so strange, these shirts ! they 
 must be witch-work. I have been looking for a 
 little mark I made. I'm sure I made it in every 
 one of them. Jo hunted too : she told me how to 
 make the mark."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 173 
 
 " Haven't they washed out ? " I faltered, with a 
 cowardly smile. 
 
 " They could not wash out," she said with de 
 cision. 
 
 " Well, then, if they could not, they did not, of 
 course," was my response. 
 
 She put them aside, with a worried air. 
 
 "I^iave just found out something," she said, on 
 another occasion. 
 
 " Well, what is it, my wise woman ? " 
 
 " I never made those shirts, I don't believe," she 
 replied, with deliberation and emphasis. 
 
 "Who did, then?" I asked. 
 
 She shook her head. 
 
 "Could they have been changed at the laun 
 dry ? " 
 
 Should I be tormented into making a clean 
 breast of it ?' How far could I white-lie it over, 
 and preserve my own self-respect ? 
 
 It was only an hour or so after that, when that 
 persistent wife of mine returned to the subject. 
 
 " O Charlie ! what do you think ? " 
 
 " Well, about what particular matter ? " I asked. 
 
 "Jo and I have just found out that I cut thost 
 shirts out by one of Conrad's, after all"
 
 174 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 "No !" I said, springing to my feet. 
 
 "Yes, I did. His initials are very much like 
 yours ; and the old English R looks like an H, 
 especially as it is faded. It must have got among 
 your shirts by mistake ; and being a little more 
 worn than the others, I chose it to cut by." 
 
 "As Tiddy says, bless de good Lord, then," I 
 ejaculated fervently. " My conscience has been 
 dancing about pretty lively during the last* forty- 
 eight hours. 
 
 and error there's this difference known : 
 Error is fruitful : truth is only one? 
 
 I am a new man from this moment. The shirts 
 are Conrad's." 
 
 " But, my dear Charlie, if they fit you, they can't 
 fit him. Impossible." 
 
 " Wait, my dear wife : you shall a wonder see. 
 The shirts you made were never worn by me. 
 Harman's Comedy of Errors, canto nine, stanza 
 four." 
 
 I ran up stairs, unearthed the precious bundle, 
 and brought it back untouched. , 
 
 " I did it all for the love of you," I said, as, 
 placing it before her astonished eyes, I also threw
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 175 
 
 the burden from my spirit, and felt free once 
 more. " They didn't fit, my dear. I couldn't make 
 them fit. I knew you had worked so hard, and I 
 pitied you so ! Forthwith I studied how to be an 
 honorable deceiver ; but it wouldn't do. I did my 
 best, however, to keep you from the knowledge of 
 the disappointment. There you have the truth in 
 a nutshell ; and here you have the shirts. Take 
 them, give them to Conrad with my blessing : you 
 have my hearty consent. I know they will fit 
 him : they gave me several fits. Call him down. 
 I'll do the honors." 
 
 Lissa had heard with her head lifted, after her 
 own peculiar* fashion. 
 
 " And you think it was better to do that ? she 
 asked. 
 
 " No : I think it was. a coward's trick," I said. 
 
 " You shall not. I say it was good and noble 
 and kind, and there's only one man in the world 
 would so have done. Never a German man would 
 have done that, and no one who did not love me. 
 O Charlie ! " and you can guess where her head was 
 by this time, and how foolish I felt at her praise, 
 for I had been condemning myself heartily. Then 
 she raised her cheerful face from my shoulder.
 
 176 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Come down stairs ; I have a little feast," she 
 said. I followed her down. In a few moments 
 she had spread the table with a white cloth, placed 
 upon it fruit, cake, and jellies, and, knowing my 
 inordinate fondness for it, a Charlotte Russe. 
 
 " Now ring for the rest," she cried ; " ring loud ! " 
 I followed her instructions, and presently in came 
 Jo, Conrad, and Miss Nellie Walters. This was a 
 pleasant surprise. There was nobody to make 
 tea, for it wa's Tiddy's evening for church ; so I 
 built up a fire, and Lissa concocted the pleasant 
 beverage. The fruit was delicious, Conrad never 
 more brilliant, and Nellie and Lissa, wreathed in 
 smiles, looked as if they were sharing a secret 
 between them. Even Jo seemed to forget herself, 
 and sang a little song with which she used to 
 amuse me when she was a child : 
 
 " Oh ! where has the mouse gone ? 
 
 Tibby di ! 
 Oh ! where has the mouse gone ? 
 
 Tibby di ! 
 
 I'll tell you what the old cat said, 
 As she put her paw up to her head, 
 ' The mouse has gone for cheese and bread : 
 So will I.'
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 177 
 
 " Oh ! where has the cat gone ? 
 
 Tibby di ! 
 Oh ! where has the cat gone ? 
 
 Tibby di ! 
 
 ' The cat has gone for the mouse,' I said ; 
 ' And the mouse has gone for cheese and bread, 
 And both will be right nobly fed ; 
 
 Tibby di. ' " 
 
 I wish I could give you the melody of this silly 
 little thing ; and as to Jo's rendition of it, it was 
 simply inimitable. The professor looked at her in 
 astonishment, and we all roared with laughter. 
 Then Conrad, in the spirit of mimicry, took off the 
 faculty, all but the dean, yet in so happy a manner, 
 that Nellie, laughing, begged him not to omit her 
 father. 
 
 " Then," said Conrad, " I will simply say, " Mr. 
 Raab, your position is untenable ! Mr. Raab, 
 I am sorry, but I cannot agree with you ! ' ' 
 And he brought his right forefinger into the palm 
 of his left hand, and, slender as he was, looked 
 the stout dean so ponderously, with his sideway, 
 knowing glance, and his habitual frown, that Nellie 
 declared she had never seen any thing so perfect. 
 Presently we set Jo t cracking almonds, and Con-
 
 178 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 rad got close to Nellie, and Lissa and I pretended 
 to talk while we watched them; and just then, all 
 in a halo of holy rapture, in came Tiddy, her 
 bonnet set on a mountain of turban, an immense 
 green veil of venerable age tied over that, and 
 brought down under her chin, her great eyes 
 shining. 
 
 " What yer 'bout ? " was her first question, 
 reverence being a missing faculty in her cranium. 
 " Hard yer way down de street, an' was mighty 
 'frad folks might tink it was me." 
 
 " We were having a good time, aunty," said 
 Lissa. 
 
 " Pore souls, feastin' and laffin'," she said com 
 passionately : " you ought ter been whar I's ben." 
 
 " Where is that ? " I asked. 
 
 " Down to old Zion ; '' and I transcribe her lan 
 guage word for word, trusting that the reader will 
 not think me irreverent for writing, or her for ren 
 dering it. A more faithful, truthful, pious old soul, 
 or one with a better memory, never lived, than our 
 Tiddy. 
 
 " And we had a blessed minister all de way from 
 New York," she went on. 
 
 " Was he a white man ? "
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 179 
 
 " No, bless ye' soul : he was brack, brack as I are, 
 umph, umph ! He marched up dat pulpit star, an' 
 he opens de Bible squar in de middle. I sees him, 
 squar in de middle, in de Rebelation." 
 
 "But, Tiddy," said I, "the Revelation is the 
 last book in the Bible." 
 
 "Wha' d'ye mean by books in de Bible? De 
 Bible's ony one book ; an' don't yer spoze he knowed 
 whar de Rebelation was, an' he all de way from 
 New York ? " 
 
 " All right, Tiddy," said I : "go on." 
 
 " Well, he leanded right ober onto de Bible, an' 
 he stared way roun', an' up to de ruff, and den he 
 said, 
 
 " ' Breddren, I reads from dis yer word ob de 
 livin* Lord, an' dat ar word is, 
 
 " ' De red horse ! De red horse ! De red 
 horse ! ' 
 
 " An' den de look wild enuff to frighten us. Oh, 
 I know he was full ob de sperit ! I never hard no 
 sich preachin' afore." 
 
 " Can't you tell us the sermon ? " asked Lissa. 
 
 " Yes, kin I, honey, ebery word of it." 
 
 " Won't you have some grapes first ? " 
 
 " No, 'deed, mistis, not I. I's too filled wid de 
 honey ob de Lord's counsel
 
 180 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Fust place," she continued, seating herself, 
 " he tole us clat de debbil was once a great kark 
 angel in hebben." 
 
 " A what ? " cried Lissa. 
 
 " Why, a kark angel, don't you understan' ? You 
 white folks ought to know. An' he said de Lord 
 went out one day into de garding ob paradise. He 
 warn't gone but a few minutes, Miss Lissy, 'fore 
 de kark angel, he got up an' sot hisself down in dc 
 Lord's best seat. And den b>e say to de odder 
 angels, 
 
 " ' Don't I look jes' as good yere as de Lord do ? ' 
 
 " Den some ob de angels, dey larfs. Some of 
 dem say, ' Yis, da's so ; ' an' some, dey tarns away, 
 an' hides dar faces, an' shakes dar heads. 
 
 " Presently de kark angel hears de Lord a comin' 
 back ; an' he jumped up and flewed off, an' looked 
 mighty innocent, umph, umph ! 
 
 " De Lord he went to his char, an' jest as ha 
 was sittin' down, he turned round, an' ses he, wid 
 a tarrible look in his eye, 
 
 " ' Who's done gone an' set down in dis yer 
 seat ? ' 
 
 " Den de kark angel, he spoke up sassy like, an' 
 says he,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. l8l 
 
 " ' 'Deed, Lord, ain't nobody sot down in dat 
 yer cheer.' 
 
 " Den de Lord say, 
 
 " ' S'pose I don' know ? S'pose I can't read 
 ebery wicked thing in yo' black heart ? You want 
 to turn me out ob here, an' fix up de place to suit 
 youself. I'll hab nothin' more to do wid you, bad 
 kark angel. You sha'n't stay in hebben an' c'rapt 
 the odder chillen. I'll make a new kark angel.' 
 
 " Den de Lord, he sot all de good angels to one 
 side, an' all de bad to de other wid de kark angel 
 that done sot down in his cheer. An' de Lord says 
 to de kark angel, ' Git out o' hebben wid you ! 
 Dar's a lot o' brimstone, an' dar's a lot ob fire. 
 Go down an' jis make yo' own hell. Har's a lot 
 ob horns an' tails, an' pitchforks : you kin sort 'em 
 to suit yourselfs. I's got notin' more to do wid 
 you uns. You's all debbils now.' 
 
 " Den de chief debbil, Brelsdebub dey calls him, 
 he brungs all his angels togedder ; an' he clar war 
 'ginst de Lord, an' swar he'd git into hebben agin 
 and conquer it. 
 
 " But de Lord, he build a brick wall all roun' heb 
 ben, seben miles JiigJi ; an' when de ole kark angel 
 come along, de Lord sot in his own char, wid his
 
 182 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 best, beautifullest silver pipe, an' he didn't kar for 
 de debbil de least mite in de world. 
 
 " Den de Lord sent out a comet-star to 'stroy 
 'em off de face ob de arth, an' de bad angels dey all 
 got scart ; but de ole kark angel said, 
 
 " You's all fools. Don't ye s'poze I's got power 
 'nough to make de Lord tremble in his shoes ? ' 
 
 "Den de debbil caught de comet-star on he long 
 tail, an' he shook it ober de walls an' gates of heb- 
 ben, an' de angels of de Lord got frightened ; but 
 de Lord, he got on top ob de wall of Zion, umph ! 
 umph ! " 
 
 I have no other way of describing, but by those 
 two words, that internal chuckle which is not a 
 word, used by negroes when under excitement. 
 Tiddy expressed herself by it incessantly ; for 
 answer, for doubt, for incredulity, interjection, and 
 ejaculation. 
 
 " Den de Lord, he let down a chain, chile', thou- 
 san's o' miles long, dat a nobody couldn't hold but 
 him ; an' he caught dat raring taring kark angel, 
 spite of his boots, an' he lower him down, an' down, 
 and downer, into de eberlasting pit ; an,' Miss Lissy, 
 he ain't got out o' dem ar chains yit, an' he nebber 
 will till de angel Gaberell blows de trompet ob de
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 183 
 
 Lord umph, umph ! And, Miss Lissy, dat ar 
 preacher from New York, he so full ob de sperit 
 ob de Lord, dat he keep runnin' up an' down de 
 pulpit stars, an' almos' got on top de Bible. Dat's 
 my kind o' minister, 'cause he 'splains dem Rebela- 
 tions lubbly." 
 
 " But what do you mean by the kark angel, 
 Tiddy ? " 
 
 " Ain't you got sense nuff to know dat ? " said 
 Tiddy, with a wise look. 
 
 " She means archangel, dear," said It 
 
 " Yo' mus' study dem Rebelations," mused Tid 
 dy, losing herself in her happy reflections ; while Jo 
 helped Nellie on with her wraps, and, for the first 
 time in her life, kissed her solemnly and tenderly 
 on the cheek. I think she surrendered Conrad at 
 that moment forever, and in her heart gave the 
 fair girl her blessing.
 
 184 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 |UT me up two handkerchiefs, my dear : 
 you know I always want two when I am 
 going to speak." 
 I said this to Lissa as I was leaving home one 
 morning in a hurry. My friends had been long 
 importunate for an address in which I might air 
 the peculiar views of my party, and which might 
 tend to further my political interests. 
 
 It was something quite foreign to my inclination 
 to deliver speeches. I had the same dislike to 
 publicity of that sort that I have to a shower-bath. 
 After the shock there is a glow, it is true, but the 
 shock is terrible. The beginning is the trial to my 
 nervous system, just after I have said, "Ladies 
 and gentlemen" The blood flies to my head ; my 
 finger-tips grow cold ; I want to swallow, and can't ; 
 I want to do several things, and can't, one of 
 them is, to get out of the matter altogether.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 185 
 
 The cars whirled me to the scene of action ; an 
 indigestible supper was in waiting for me ; a pom 
 pous president, all chin and spectacles; a small 
 secretary, who smiled every time he spoke, and 
 spoke all the time ; a mild waiter, who spilled the 
 tea on my coat ; and several committee-men, whose 
 duties seemed to consist in flying in and out, 
 writing on bits of white paper, and looking mys 
 teriously at me until I looked at them, whereupon 
 they became suddenly contemplative concerning 
 the knees of their trousers. 
 
 I, meantime, kept up a quaking sort of dignity, 
 and felt cold and hot by turns. My notes were in 
 my waistcoat pocket, as I ascertained by feeling ; 
 my two handkerchiefs rested serenely near my heart. 
 I have, perhaps, a weakness for nice handkerchiefs, 
 linen of the finest quality ; ornamentation, if there 
 is any, rich but not conspicuous ; size, extra large. 
 I love the fragrance of the well-laundried mouchoir, 
 the soft downfall of the folds like unsullied snow- 
 flakes, the gathered purity in my hand as I lift it 
 to my heated ' brow. Lissa knows this, and, on 
 extra occasions, picks from my cherished hoard 
 that I keep sacred from common use, having 
 bought them in Paris, in the year eighteen hundred 
 and no matter when.
 
 l86 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Imagine my ride to the hall, my escort of able- 
 bodied men, all vieing to be at the head ; my en 
 trance at the side door ; the grand outlook upon a 
 sea of heads, bald, white, red, brown, yellow ; 
 my solid, penetrating expression as I seated myself, 
 anathematizing my trembling knees furiously, in 
 side ; the preliminary ceremonies ; the reference to 
 " our eloquent friend who is now about to address 
 you." Imagine all this, I say ; then the wild uproar 
 of clapping and stamping, commenced by six little 
 Milesians on the front bench, and kept up till my 
 introductory remarks nearly choked me for very 
 eagerness to get out and be done with it. 
 
 I commenced I continued. When they said, 
 " Louder," I smote the very air with ear-piercing 
 shouts. The gas, and the crowd, and my own 
 eloquence, warmed me up ; my temples grew moist"; 
 I felt uncomfortable ; I felt also for my handker 
 chief, and took it out in its primitive folds as it 
 came from the good old black fingers of Tiddy. 
 
 It was near the climax of a sublime figure of 
 speech. I had used up several ancient classics, 
 and was nearing my grandest peroration, when I 
 heard somebody snicker. The word is not elegant, 
 but there is no other in all the range of the English
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 187 
 
 language that so accurately describes the peculiar 
 contortion of which the sound is born. 
 
 Quietly, gracefully, like a well-bred man, I had 
 opened my handkerchief softly, unostentatiously, 
 and smiled my sweetest smiles, and said my bright 
 est say as I. unfolded it. 
 
 It seemed to me that the sound I have before 
 mentioned broadened and deepened, like a wave 
 that spreads as it rolls. Now here, now there 
 What I said surely did not call for laughter : 
 why were all eyes turned where I turned mine ? 
 Presently Heavens and earth ! 
 
 Hanging down nearly to my feet, whiter even 
 than the " beautiful snow " at which so many editors 
 have shivered, was 
 
 A British nightcap ! 
 
 Have you ever seen one ? No ? Then you are 
 not called upon to laugh. Mine was as large as a 
 good- sized meal-bag, gathered at one end into a 
 voluminous tassel, which, as I had daintily manoeu 
 vred, came into sight in the slowest and most de 
 liberate fashion, mutely appealing to the ludicrous 
 side of the most stolid nature in the whole crowded 
 house. 
 
 It was a relic of old London, of the Strand, of
 
 l88 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 the days of Hogarth, Johnson, and other patented 
 celebrities, and redolent of the odors of " mine 
 inn," the chop-house and coffee-rooms, to me ; but 
 to my audience ! that was quite another matter. 
 
 For a moment I felt like one in the grasp of 
 enormous pincers. A buzzing, prickling sensation, 
 like the flight of a thousand fire-flies, thrilled along 
 my veins ; anon I was one icicle. 
 
 " O Lissa ! " I groaned, with my soul between 
 my teeth, " what ivill you do next ? " 
 
 I believe I smiled and smiled, and felt a villain, 
 as I gathered up, with sufficient muscular energy to 
 have crushed an iron bar, that dreadful evidence of 
 my dear wife's thoughtful care of her absent lord, 
 and put it out of sight. I know I looked an imbe 
 cile : I am sure I felt a fury. Metaphors and sim 
 iles and paradoxes got mixed together : every 
 thing resolved itself into an immense English night 
 cap, which seemed to hang threateningly from the 
 grand chandelier, from the ceiling, everywhere. 
 
 Some way I got through, to this hour I know 
 not how. I was mixed generally for a day or two 
 afterward, and didn't find myself thoroughly and 
 rationally for a longer period. 
 
 And all the comfort I received from that wife of
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 189 
 
 mine, when I told her, was a hysterical laugh, 
 and 
 
 " Oh, I wish I could have seen it ! It must have 
 been too funny for any thing."
 
 190 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 3JADAM," said our new compositor, with his 
 blandest smile, as Lissa entered the parlor, 
 where Tiddy had seated a stranger, " I 
 have, I presume, the honor of addressing Mrs. 
 Harman." 
 
 My wife, always a little too ready to meet trouble 
 half way, turned pale at this speech. 
 
 " I am Mrs. Harman," she said, somewhat un 
 steadily. " I hope you have not heapd any any 
 bad news from" for she saw a letter in his 
 hand. 
 
 " I have a letter from Mr. Harman ; and, as I am 
 new to the office, it has taken me the greater part 
 of the day to translate it, as you must be aware." 
 
 " Oh, yes ! " exclaimed my wife, her spirits rising, 
 as she cut short his insinuating but polite bow and 
 smooth smile. " Mr. Harman does write an exe- 
 mztable hand. I cannot but just make it out 
 sometimes."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 191 
 
 " But just ! My dear madam, I think it would 
 take five Oriental dictionaries, putting it in the 
 mildest way, and the ghost of old Noah Webster, 
 to translate some portions of this letter into good 
 English. For myself, I have been in a high fever 
 since the hour when the mail came in. I forgot 
 my politeness, however : my name is Hodgkins, at 
 your service." 
 
 My wife (I can see her highness) bowed as 
 gravely as an empress, as she replied to him, 
 
 " I am somewhat acquainted with his manu 
 script ; and, if you will let me have it, I will copy 
 what you want in five minutes." 
 
 " Many thanks ; and there are the lines. I 
 stopped the press, for I was utterly dissatisfied with 
 my own rendering ; and it waits, I am sorry to say, 
 as it will delay the issue." 
 
 Up stairs ran Lissa, confident and happy that 
 she could be of some service. At the end of five 
 minutes she had deciphered the first three words, 
 as she thought. Conrad was at the college; so 
 she had no one to help her. Perplexed, but not 
 discouraged, she wrote on, while the poor compos 
 itor walked the parlor with a splitting headache, 
 and hurled anathemas, after the first thirty min-
 
 192 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 utes, upon all scribblers, editorial and otherwise, 
 whose hieroglyphics are unreadable to the poor 
 typo, who has blunders enough of his own to 
 answer for. 
 
 At the close of just fifty-one minutes, Lissa came 
 down stairs. 
 
 " I think I have done it," she said. 
 
 " Thank you, madam ; " and he snatched up his 
 hat with almost maniacal abruptness. 
 
 " Won't you stay and take lunch with us ? " 
 asked Lissa sweetly. 
 
 "The man's wild black eyes radiated lightning," 
 so she said to me, as he replied, 
 
 "My dear madam, I have been lunching on 
 printers' pi the whole morning. Good-by ; " and 
 Lissa added that she laughed to see him flying 
 along the street. 
 
 It was well for my reputation that I did not go 
 often to the country. My paper came to me 
 through the rain, a damp and unwholesome pack 
 age, smelling of ink and the bad air in which it 
 had travelled. When I read my letter first, I was 
 tempted to repeat some interjectional phrases not 
 altogether consistent with my ideas' of gentlemanly 
 courtesy ; the next moment I was seized with a
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 sense of the ludicrous, and laughed quite as heart 
 ily as if some other man had been made the victim 
 of misplaced type. 
 
 Any one can see, by an inspection of the fac 
 simile, that my writing is not so very illegible.
 
 194 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 To me it is plain enough. Why, then, should 
 compositors and others so torture it into mean 
 ingless language ? Here is the sentence as it 
 made its appearance m " The Regulator : " 
 
 HER COPY. 
 
 " The skimming birds, the swift round motes of the south 
 wind, the lively face of autumn under wild vines hopping. 
 
 " I picked up leaves of myrtle, as I lurked by the sleepy 
 natives, and watched the glossy ivy, Ah, then much said its 
 peace to me." 
 
 MY COPY. 
 
 " The shimmering leaves, the soft sweet notes of the 
 
 blackbird, the lovely face of nature, made me mildly happy. 
 I thought of heaverts repose as I looked at the sleeping 
 mountains, and watched the gliding river. All the world 
 seemed at peace -with me. n 
 
 Now, if you will compare my copy with the fac 
 simile of the manuscript, you cannot fail to be 
 amazed with me at my little wife's translation. 
 However, there can be no doubt that she tried to 
 do her best, and what more could any woman 
 do ? I mentally resolved, however, the next time I 
 left home, to give all the work into the hands 
 of the sub, and never lay myself out for aromantic 
 and poetical effort.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 195 
 
 That same day came a letter from my wife, from 
 which I make a brief extract : 
 
 " I did pity that poor man when he showed me your writ 
 ing, for you know it has always been all chickens' legs to me 
 imtil now. I did not find much trouble of it, after a while, 
 but made a good translation of it ; though Conrad laughed, 
 and said perhaps the compositor was standing on his head 
 when he set it up, and that accounted for some mistakes in 
 the printed article j but I did not see them. Conrad says' you 
 are going into political life, and that will take you much 
 from home. O Charlie, I fear for that / Our -home is so 
 happy ! What can a man want but contentment in this 
 world? You write to make people better. You find smiles 
 when you lift your door-latch; you leave cold looks and 
 harsh words out in the dark street. Within we have 
 warmth and comfort, and merry laughs, and all that is 
 beautiful. Don't go to politics, where they wrangle and 
 hurt each other" 
 
 This was the first subject discussed on my 
 return home. 
 
 " And you will go to Congress, and I to Wash 
 ington, and leave every thing we love," she said 
 mournfully. 
 
 I pictured the reverse of the shield, till her eyes 
 shone again, to see beautiful women, great men 
 (alas ! in how many cases miscalled greatness ! ), to
 
 196 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 behold her husband waited upon and honored, to 
 hear him speak in the halls of the Capitol of the 
 nation. 
 
 At that moment her glance fell upon a para 
 graph in a rival paper, which she had brought up 
 stairs, Tiddy having found it upon the hall steps. 
 
 I meekly bowed my head, and wished myself in 
 Jeripho. 
 
 That small woman seemed at once endowed 
 with the eloquence of Cicero, the wrath of Mars, 
 and the majesty of Juno. Her face took on a por 
 tentous light, as she stalked back and forth ; her 
 hands struck out wildly, her eyes were burning 
 stars, In vain I reiterated that it was all paper- 
 talk ; in vain I tried to soothe her. 
 
 " They talk of you, oiyou, my Charlie, like that? 
 What will you do to them ? Punish them ! / 
 would kill them, kill them, if they so did to me ! " 
 
 It was hours before either Conrad or I could 
 influence her mood sufficiently to calm her in any 
 degree. I feared a fit of illness as the result ; and, 
 indeed, for some days her heavy eyes and dejected 
 appearance kept us all anxious. Letters from the 
 far country somewhat changed the aspect of her 
 grief. Old Gretchen was dead, and the little
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 197 
 
 quaint house had changed hands, in tenants; for 
 Conrad was still its owner. 
 
 In my early youth, being of a reformatory turn, 
 and imagining, as very young, enthusiasts are apt 
 to do, that I could carry the world on my shoulders, 
 I had made some enemies. Among these was one 
 man, half fool, half knave, who took up my war 
 notes in Don Quixote fashion ; with this difference, 
 that his nature was utterly foreign from that of the 
 kindly old fighter of windmills ; and he infused 
 the bitterest malignity into an article which he 
 wrote for a paper over which he had control. 
 
 It was a dastardly, infamous production, and so 
 incensed some of my friends, that they besieged 
 the office, made the foreman stop the press, and 
 afterward bought up all the papers that they 
 could find a few others in the mean time having 
 gone abroad. 
 
 Shortly after my return, a friend came to my 
 office. 
 
 "They are down upon you now, Charlie," he 
 said, "though they can say no real harm of you. 
 But there is one thing that may work against you. 
 Barnes, the leader of the opposition, has got hold 
 of that old publication, written, fifteen years ago, 
 and they are intending to use it."
 
 198 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " That is infamous," I said. 
 
 " Of course it is infamous, but unfortunately 
 Barnes is a man who will stop at nothing." 
 
 " I would not have it published for the world ; I 
 will withdraw first," I said. " It would kill my 
 wife." 
 
 " Perhaps it can be settled," was the response. 
 " I'll try to get Barnes and two or three of the chief 
 conspirators to come over to your house, if you 
 will appoint some evening. It may be we can 
 appeal to their honor, if they have any."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 199 
 
 CONSENTED, though reluctantly, to this 
 arrangement ; Lissa was informed that I 
 expected some of my gentlemen friends on 
 a certain evening, that we wanted the back parlor 
 to ourselves with sundry other little items, 
 
 " Then we are not to come down at all, Jo and 
 I," she said anxiously. 
 
 " No, my dear : we are to be a gander party, pur 
 et simple" I made reply. 
 
 " And shall I get you a supper ? " 
 
 I had not thought of that. 
 
 " Tiddy can wait upon you, you know," she 
 said, a regret in her voice. 
 
 " Perhaps by that time I shall want you," I re 
 sponded. He;- face grew charming. 
 
 " I hope so ; and I hope this election will soon 
 be past. You are so anxious and so changed, that 
 sometimes I am afraid "
 
 200 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Well, of what ? don't hesitate," said I. 
 
 "Why of so many things! Did you know 
 that Mrs. Ellery is electioneering for you ? She 
 was here to-day." 
 
 " Mrs. Ellery ! " I thundered : " I shall have to 
 choke Mrs. Ellery." 
 
 " She says you have many enemies ; and she 
 asked me so many questions, even about the poor 
 little dead baby ; and, O Charlie ! is it true that 
 they write you down in the papers ? is it true so 
 many people dislike you ? you who have always 
 made friends wherever you were, you who are so 
 good ? " 
 
 " Yes ; but, my dear, political enemies may yet 
 be friends, if you can understand that." 
 
 " I cannot : I think political enemies make many 
 a wife sad," she said. 
 
 " And break many a wife's heart," I might have 
 added. 
 
 " Then I will have a little feast for you, some 
 oysters, and some cake and coffee ? " 
 
 " Just what you please," I said. 
 
 The fire blazed cheerily that evening; a grand 
 anthracite, red to the core, sending out into the 
 room a part of the sunshine that once it sucked
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 2OI 
 
 into its veins when the coal was a singing tree of 
 the forest; a sunshine darkened perhaps by the 
 imprisonment of ages, but a right royal crimson 
 after all. 
 
 I sat there resolute but dispirited. What a fool 
 I had been to let my name be used at all ! Not 
 that I had looked upon the distinction as an empty 
 honor. I had not yet outgrown my enthusiasm for 
 reform ; I meant to be a splendid broom, and sweep 
 right and left, nor leave a corner untouched. But 
 when I considered the power I had given to all 
 who thought they could use me, when I knew 
 that Mrs. Ellery, a subtle, designing, managing 
 woman, who was well aware that I was no special 
 friend to her, had nothing in view but her own self 
 ish designs, and that she came to try and poison 
 my wife's peace, then my heart failed me. 
 
 Presently, one by one, the gentlemen dropped in, 
 including Mr. Barnes, a choky-looking, red-faced 
 man, bulging out of his waistcoat, and forever fidg 
 eting with his watch-chain ; and the kind friend 
 who had made me aVare of the conspiracy. 
 
 It was some time before we got to the matter 
 under dispute, and when we did there was much 
 harsh talking. Presently the gentlemen were all 
 afoot, arguing at the top of their voices.
 
 202 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Mr. Barnes had unearthed from the recesses of 
 an immense pocket-book, that looked more like a 
 portfolio, the worn and yellow infamy. 
 
 " I had great trouble in finding it ; I think it is 
 the only copy extant ; but I shall use it, sir, I shall 
 use it," he said with a flourish. 
 
 Words grew unpleasantly high. My friend hurled 
 his anathemas at the heads of the opposition, when 
 suddenly a soft voice was heard, 
 
 " Gentlemen ! " 
 
 There stood my wife, facing us, robed in all the 
 splendor of her most brilliant toilet, the folding 
 doors and the dark background setting off her pale 
 beauty to the utmost. 
 
 Her eyes glowed and widened as she moved for 
 ward, so like a queen. 
 
 " Lissa ! " said I, taking a step forward, " this is 
 no place for you." 
 
 She held up her hand, and upon my word the 
 simple gesture silenced me. 
 
 " Gentlemen, of what bad action do you accuse 
 
 
 my husband ? " 
 
 They stared at her with admiring but half-fright 
 ened glances. Each began to make some effort at 
 an apology.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 203 
 
 " Mr. Barnes," said my friend, his voice toned 
 low, " let me present to you Mrs. Harman. Per 
 haps you will kindly allow her to see the charges 
 which you have been preferring against her hus 
 band." 
 
 " Any thing but that," I said, in an angry aside. 
 
 " Will you please let me look at it ? " she asked, 
 slowly turning towards him. 
 
 " Lissa ! " I said again. 
 
 The man was under the spell of her will certainly. 
 His hand came down slowly with the paper : it 
 almost fell into her hands. I heard Snelling, an 
 other opponent, whisper, 
 
 " Barnes ! Barnes ! that is all the copy you have." 
 
 " Husband," said Lissa, turning to me regally, 
 " is 'this document true, or false ? " 
 
 " False, Lissa, utterly false, from beginning to 
 end ; the product of the brains of a half madman, 
 half knave, and written fifteen years ago." 
 
 " Then I will not read it : I believe my husband 
 before all in the world," she said, with simple 
 majesty, towering before them. With one look at 
 me, swift as the light she darted towards the fire. 
 The treacherous paper curled black before their 
 eyes ; but, though every man started forward, she 
 was too quick for them.
 
 204 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 I wish I could give you a picture of the grandeur 
 of her expression ; for though reason might have 
 lain flormant just then, love made her royal. 
 
 " Lissa ! " I said as soon as I could speak : per 
 haps she thought I reproved her, for she answered, 
 simply and calmly, ' 
 
 " I have done it ! " 
 
 Like wolves disappointed of their prey, Barnes 
 and his party gnashed their teeth. 
 
 " By Jove ! " whispered my friend, " you've got a 
 wife in ten thousand." 
 
 " No," said Lissa, quietly : " any good wife would 
 do it." 
 
 Barnes turned upon her, his coarse face glowing 
 with purple wrath. 
 
 " Let me tell you, madam, you are no lady." 
 
 Another moment, and he would have been in the 
 fire ; but happily I was pulled back, and the per 
 haps murderous blow fell on empty air. But my 
 teeth were locked so that for a minute I could not 
 unclinch them ; when I did, I pointed to the door. 
 
 "Go," I said, "and carry with you my resigna"- 
 tion of the honor my friends have done me by 
 nominating me for Congress. The happiness of 
 my wife is worth more to me than any office of
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 205 
 
 trust or profit; and while politics are what they 
 are, and a man must run the muck of personal 
 abuse, I am candidate for no position whatever. 
 Had you succeeded in preserving that vile docu 
 ment, I would have fought you to the last, desperate 
 odds; you should have taken back every lie, every 
 foul word, fabricated among your set. But now I 
 am a free man ; my home is my castle, and holds 
 none but my friends. Go ! " 
 
 They skulked out, one by one, like the cowards 
 they were, my friend volunteering to lead them 
 from the house. 
 
 Then, then ! oh the rapture of that precious mo 
 ment ! the ecstasy when my true, beautiful wife 
 sprang to my arms, and I lavished kisses upon her 
 cheeks, her lips, her hair, while she sobbed upon 
 my breast, utterly unnerved, now that the conflict 
 was past.
 
 206 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 |ND how came it all about, my glorious 
 little wife ? " I asked, as I released her, 
 holding her at arm's length, feasting my 
 eyes upon her. " Laces, diamonds, silks, tears ! 
 You dazzle me. Tell me, how came you to think 
 of such a role ? " 
 
 " I cannot tell," was the reply : "only something 
 kept saying to me that I ought to be with you, 
 that I could perhaps keep you from harm. Be 
 sides, you remember you told me I might be at 
 the supper, the little feast. So I went up stairs, 
 and in honor of that I dressed me as for an opera, 
 in all my best. I had not thought of such a thing 
 a moment before. 
 
 " After that I was restless. I kept hoping they 
 would be done their conference, till I heard loud 
 voices and some terrible sounds. That brought 
 me down into the front parlor, where I stood trem-
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 207 
 
 bling and frightened, till suddenly something in 
 spired me; and after- that came all that you saw. 
 ? I think I could have died for you as I felt then." 
 
 " Well, after this bit of high tragedy," said my 
 friend, coming into the room, " what next ? " 
 
 "The feast!" cried Lissa joyfully. "We can 
 afford to be happy now : no more politics, no more 
 scandal, no more trouble." 
 
 "As to the trouble, God only knows," I an 
 swered ; " but as to the politics, never, as long as 
 Heaven helps me ! " 
 
 The winter that ensued was one of the pleasant- 
 est of my life. Lissa provided many meiry little 
 surprises, and a few that were not so merry. 
 
 For instance, she went out one day on a benevo 
 lent enterprise, and found herself trapped in a nest 
 of ship-fever. Another time, going out of town 
 to visit one of her prot/g/es, she entered the wrong 
 car on returning, and was carried twenty miles 
 from home. Much to my terror, night and storm 
 came on, but no wife. 
 
 What a tempest that was ! How the smitten 
 trees groaned, and the fierce winds twisted them ! 
 What voices howled and shrieked! Nine, ten, 
 eleven ! I was going frantically from one depot to
 
 208 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 the other, and then home again at eleven, nearly 
 crazy. Jo met me with a despatch. 
 
 " Wrong train. Shdrit be back till midnight. Lissa? 
 
 Off I went to the depot again, jubilant. My 
 coat was wet through : what cared I ? My umbrel 
 la turned wrong side out : no matter, Lissa was 
 coming. What an eternity of misery that night 
 had been ! For two mortal hours I paced up and 
 down that solitary depot, nobody to speak to, chilly 
 and comfortless. At last! a red eye in the dis 
 tance, like a star at harvest time ; then a deeper, 
 broader blaze ; the hoarse, measured breathing of 
 iron lungs, a crimson glare, a final wheeze ; and 
 somewhere in that long sinuous train, stretching 
 far out into the midnight darkness, was my wife. 
 
 Dozens of people passed me. Patience : she 
 would come in time. Cn either hand, some few 
 met friends, but where was Lissa ? At last the 
 solitary, lonely passenger, the only one left, went 
 slowly by me. Despair seized on me. Where was 
 Lissa ? 
 
 The grim engine began to wheeze again, - a 
 blaze, a snort, a tremulous motion, and the train 
 was backing out. I stood there quite benumbed.
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 2OQ 
 
 It was the dead of night : it was stormy. I was 
 cold and frightened. 
 
 What was that down there in the dim light, 
 crossing the track at a bound from the other side ? 
 A woman ? no, yes ! My heart gave a terrific leap, 
 and yet I dared not hope. Stumbling, running 
 Yes, that was my name surely ; and this trembling 
 creature with great glittering eyes, and parted lips, 
 and pallid cheeks, who clasped my arm like one 
 frantic, and tried so hard to speak, but broke down 
 in the effort, was my Lissa. 
 
 She had blundered again, and got off the wrong 
 side of the car, where, farther on, she had been 
 stopped by a partition, and alone and bewildered, 
 and in the dark, she just stood there, as the cars 
 began to move, till the^ left the track clear. I saw 
 that she was in an almost fainting condition, and 
 hurried her into a carriage. 
 
 " I hadn't a bit of money, you know, Charlie," she 
 sobbed. 
 
 " How is that, Lissa ? You had plenty when 
 you left." 
 
 "Yes, but I went among poor people, oh, how 
 poor ! I couldn't see them suffer : I gave them 
 every thing I had but my return ticket. And then
 
 210 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 I got in the wrong car : that was not my fault ; and 
 my book was so interesting, and the shadows came 
 down before I knew it ; and I found myself twenty 
 miles away from home, in a strange place, with 
 out a cent." 
 
 " Well, that was a pleasant situation. But how 
 about the telegraph ? Did they trust you ? " 
 
 " O Charlie, don't joke ! I got out of the cars, 
 with that lost, desperate kind of feeling that makes 
 one think one's self deserted by all the world, that I 
 never had but once in my life before. I gathered 
 up my heart, however ; and then " 
 
 " Well ? " as a pause ensued. 
 
 " I prayed ; " and I knew that her whisper was 
 not unaccompanied with tears. " I was sure that 
 help would come some way ; and the first face I 
 saw when I went into ,the depot was whose do 
 you think ? " 
 
 " Well, among the multitudinous faces that cross 
 the threshold of my memory, and throng the por 
 tals of " 
 
 " Oh, hush ! you are laughing at me now. It 
 was the dean. 
 
 "You needn't quiz. Of course the dean would 
 have been there any way; but it seemed like a
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 211 
 
 beautiful answer. And you shan't say any thing 
 against the dean, even if he don't like Con ; for he 
 was just as kind as he could be, like a father to 
 me. I told him my trouble ; and his pocket-book 
 was in his hand in a moment, and he made'me take 
 a five-dollar bill." 
 
 "The old gentleman is welcome to my blessing," 
 said I fervently. 
 
 " And we talked a long time after I had tele 
 graphed. He was very communicative. I shall 
 never be afraid of him any more. But he told me- 
 some strange news ; at least, he didn't just tell me, 
 but I imagined" 
 
 "As usual," I interrupted. 
 
 " Well, why shouldn't I ? He told me he was 
 waiting for a gentleman who was from New York ; 
 and I'm almost sure it's an old lover of Nellie's, 
 and that he's coming on to marry her." 
 
 " If he can." 
 
 "That's the reason the dean discourages poor 
 Conrad. He thinks the world of this other, who is 
 immensely rich, young, and handsome. Poor 
 Con ! H'll pack up, and go back to Germany ; and 
 I don't want him to. Though I love Germany, it 
 isn't like America for a man like him. Oh, dear ! "
 
 212 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 By this time we had reached home. The storm 
 had subsided. Jo had staid up in order to give us a 
 cup of tea ; for at our house tea is one of the insti 
 tutions. Lissa, for the first time seeing the state 
 of my water-soaked garments, put me through a 
 course of hot ginger, and a mustard foot-bath, and* 
 three blankets too many : and then said her prayers 
 in blissful unconsciousness of my silent anathemas, 
 while I lay roasting like a martyr. 
 
 Not long after that, Lissa contrived a pretty and 
 agreeable surprise. There had been extraordinary 
 flittings to and fro, stealthy meetings of Tiddy 
 and Jo, mysteries of countenance, rapid and secret 
 telegraphy which I intercepted, but from which I 
 gained no information. Conrad and I were in a 
 painful state of uncertainty, when we received 
 tickets inviting us to an entertainment in the south 
 room, a large apartment in the ell, which I was pre 
 paring to furnish. 
 
 " Do you know what's going on ? " Conrad asked 
 of me. 
 
 " No more than the man in the moon ; but I 
 dare say we shall soon find out if we turn our 
 noses in the right direction, and follow them." 
 We did so. On opening the door, Conrad and I
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 213 
 
 stood in blank astonishment. That wife of mine 
 had reproduced, in furnishing this apartment, the 
 ground-floor of the little German home, even to 
 the tiled fireplace and the embers in the ashes 
 upon the hearth. The windows were framed in 
 their short red curtains ; the benches, the chairs, 
 the capacious chest, the sideboard, and the table- 
 slab, all were there, with Gretchen's old spinning- 
 wheel in the corner. Tiddy had also lent herself 
 to the illusion, and sat as a sturdy representative of 
 Gretchen, in her short-gown, woollen hose, wooden 
 shoes, and the Dutch cap that on her gray, bunchy 
 head, set Conrad off into convulsions of laughter. 
 And there, too, was Lissa, dressed as I had first 
 seen her, in half-peasant costume, her bright hair 
 flowing in loose curls down her back, her little feet 
 clicking in the odd but dearly-loved sabots. And 
 another charming picture completed this pretty 
 little wonder-play. Nellie, in a German costume, 
 as near as could be improvised, came from some 
 concealed nook, with a wooden tray, on which were 
 black bread and some sort of wafer cakes to which 
 Conrad had been accustomed in Germany. I 
 thought Conrad would go wild in his delight over 
 the little travesty, though there was a something
 
 214 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 in Nellie's countenance adverse to all this jollity, 
 a concealed pain, an absent expression, that 
 rather marred my enjoyment after I had allowed 
 myself to discover it. 
 
 " This is all the Germany I want," said Lissa ; 
 "and I have been hungering and thirsting for it." 
 
 " But, you little witch, how did you get these 
 things ? " I asked. . 
 
 " Don't you know, that, after Gretchen died, I car 
 ried on all the correspondence just as I did when I 
 lived at home ? So I arranged to buy the furniture, 
 which cost almost nothing, and have it sent on 
 here. I paid it out of my own little money ; for 
 you know Conrad has always let me have the rent. 
 And, besides this, there is another reason why I 
 sent for it. You know you promised, that, when 
 we are richer, you would build a little summer- 
 house away among the rocks, where it could be 
 made just like the home I was born in, and where 
 my dear Mutter died ; and we could fashion a gar 
 den, something as that was, you see, with the trel 
 lises, and the grapes and the peach-trees. Oh! 
 will you not some time make such a one ? " 
 
 " I will, I give you my solemn word of honor," 
 I said : " the other was but a conditional promise. 
 Next summer we'll go and find the place."
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 215 
 
 " Thank you," she said, making me her little de 
 mure German courtesy : how well I remembered 
 it! 
 
 " And when you saw the big boxes out in the 
 yard, don't you -know I told you I wanted to fix 
 some furniture ? You thought I meant to dress 
 up the boxes in chintz and fringe and tassels, but 
 this was what I intended. So when you were gone 
 all day to the office, and Conrad to his classes, I 
 had Tiddy's nephew Jack come here with another 
 strong man, after the floor was browned and 
 polished ; and the furniture was put in by them. 
 Nellie and Jo have both helped me, poor Jo ! I'm 
 so sorry she has the headache to-night." 
 
 There was no drawback to the evening's pleas 
 ure, save Nellie's continued sadness. Tiddy dis 
 appeared at an early hour. 
 
 " S'pose I'd war' dese yer fixins any longer'n I 
 could help ? No, 'fessor : ye'll never make no play- 
 actrer out ob me ;" and off she went. 
 
 That night Conrad dared his fate : Nellie had 
 long known that he loved her, and now he asked 
 her to be his wife. Lissa and I sat by the fire ; 
 and I plied the ponderous tongs breaking open the 
 glowing brands, while Lissa roasted chestnuts and
 
 2l6 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 apples, and hummed and knitted ; the humming all 
 being done out of consideration for Conrad and 
 Nellie, who stood together, looking out into the 
 cold moonlight, talking in a low voice. 
 
 At last Conrad came back to us with a colorless 
 face. 
 
 "I am going to take Miss Walters home," he 
 said. Lissa looked at him, speechless : she slipped 
 off the sabots, and followed Nellie up the stairs. 
 
 " Nellie," she said softly, " what are you crying 
 for ? what have you done to Conrad ? Is it pos 
 sible, after all, that you don't love him ? " But 
 Nellie only waved her hand, and shook her head : 
 she would not speak. " In fact, she could not," Lissa 
 said to me afterwards ; " for when she opened her 
 lips she just gasped." 
 
 The next day Conrad came to tell me that it was 
 all over. 
 
 " I cannot stay here," he said with almost solemn 
 emphasis : " I must leave the college ; I must leave 
 the place." 
 
 " Faint heart never won fair lady," I said. " Con 
 rad, I thought you had more courage." 
 
 " But the dean utterly ignores me. And the 
 man who is visiting there, a sort of distant cousin,
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 217 
 
 has always been attentive to Nellie. It seems 
 there was a tacit sort of engagement, and letters 
 have passed ; and the dean is furious because I have 
 come between the two, though God knows I did it 
 innocently; and he is younger than I, and richer; 
 and finally the dean hinted at something which I 
 did not at all understand. It is clear that he is 
 prejudiced, and determined to hear nothing in my 
 favor." 
 
 " But Miss Walters, what does she say ? " 
 
 "That she will never marry without her father's 
 free and full consent. I respect her for it ; yet still 
 it tears my heart. I have not been very good for 
 much " (lapsing a little into broken language), " I 
 have neglected many matters ; it will never do, not 
 for so long ; I must go where I can perhaps for 
 get. But ah ! she is so inwoven into the fibres of 
 all my feelings, all my thoughts, all my life ! God 
 help me ! I go to pack up." 
 
 " Nonsense, man ! " I said cheerily, " you won't 
 pack up in a hurry." 
 
 " No, not in a hurry ; it may take me a month, 
 you know : I am slow, and have much of value." 
 
 " I would advise you to take your time, my de 
 spondent friend : things may not be so bad as they
 
 2l8 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 * 
 
 seem. Depend upon it, that young lady will not 
 let you go." 
 
 " Ah ! but I told her I would." 
 
 " And what then ? " 
 
 His face worked a little. 
 
 " Never mind : it is over all I am quite cer 
 tain." 
 
 " My dear Conrad," said I, " never give up hope. 
 There is no telling what a woman will do for the 
 man she loves. I am lost when I consider her 
 capability for self-sacrifice, and her resistless will, 
 when she wants her own way. The amount of 
 caramels and humble-pie she can eat is simply 
 astounding. No father, unless he be a monster, 
 can stand the manipulation of her shrewd tactics, 
 provided she has the requisite common sense to 
 hide the whip while she holds the reins. 
 
 " Depend upon it, that little girl with the small 
 Greek head is planning, .if she has not already 
 planned, the order of her march and the manner of 
 her assault. She will besiege the breastworks, and 
 conquer the citadel, before the old dean knows that 
 he has been surprised in ambush. I tell you, Con 
 rad, a good woman is the finish and glory of a 
 man's life. You needn't sigh : you'll have abundant
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 219 
 
 time to sigh after you are married, though you'll 
 smile of tener than you'll sigh, I promise you. Now, 
 Miss Nellie, if I mistake not, is as clever as the 
 rest of her matchless sex. If she don't bring the 
 dean to his knees in the next twenty-four hours, 
 I'll give you leave to go to Germany to-morrow." 
 
 " Do you really think so ? " he queried, and hope 
 once more illuminated his face. 
 
 " I'm willing to wager my watch, the one that 
 wife of mine came so near losing for me, by the 
 way. So go up stairs to your flute : pour your 
 plaints into the air, and some good spirit will waft 
 them to the girl you adore." 
 
 " I give you my word, I do adore her," he said, 
 placing his hand on his heart ; and he withdrew 
 comforted.
 
 220 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 [HE dean had been away from home nearly 
 a month. Consequently, as I delayed a 
 day or two after Lissa returned from that 
 stormy journey, to call upon him, I brought the 
 borrowed five dollars back home in my pocket. 
 
 Now, however, I would go and see the dean, and 
 discharge my indebtedness. 
 
 I walked bravely up to the old square white 
 house, with my heart in my mouth, and faced the 
 ancient knocker with a valor considering my 
 knees were trembling under me that was little 
 short of heroic. For myself, I could have walked 
 up to the cannon's mouth, and calmly looked in 
 its sooty throat ; but for another, and on such an 
 errand, I confess to cowardice. 
 
 The dean's man, spotless in attire and pro 
 foundly dignified in deportment, let me in to the 
 dim deep recesses of the hall, on whose slippery
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 221 
 
 boards I nearly came to grief, as I deposited my 
 cane in the rack. Then I followed him into the 
 square dark tomb of a parlor on the first floor, 
 where the narrow bookcases stood like so ma~v 
 polished sarcophagi, and the white marbles, faiivuy 
 discernible, looked like ghosts. I sat down on 
 the shining horse-hair sofa, and waited for the 
 dean. 
 
 When he came in, I knew that, metaphorically 
 speaking, his hair had been combed, and that by 
 no common process. Just as he was entering, he 
 said, turning to his man, 
 
 " Thomas, you will help the coachman take Mr. 
 Carroll's trunks down. He is going away at four 
 this afternoon." 
 
 " Good for little Nellie ! " thought I to myself. 
 " She will carry the day." 
 
 "Dean Walters," said I, "good-morning, sir." 
 
 " Ah ! hum, yes ; Mr. Harman. Good-morning, 
 good-morning, sir." 
 
 " I have come to thank you for your politeness 
 to my wife, and to pay my indebtedness. Here is 
 the money you kindly loaned." 
 
 " Your your wife money ! " and the dean 
 pursed up his heavy mouth, and the lines grew
 
 222 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 deeper between his ponderous spectacles. " I have 
 rather a short memory, sir." 
 
 " You lent her the money one night, when Mrs. 
 Harman had been carried by mistake in an op 
 posite direction from home. I am very sure of the 
 fact. You will perhaps recollect, when I tell you 
 that my wife is the sister of one of the professors, 
 Von Raab." 
 
 " Ah ! oh, yes ! I discard the Von," he said 
 rapidly, changing countenance decidedly, so decid 
 edly that he looked almost white : " the Von is 
 an affectation sir ! " 
 
 " Dean ! " said I, grasping at a perfectly perpen 
 dicular chair-back, " have you heard, do you know, 
 any thing to the detriment of my wife's brother?" 
 And I stood up to him, and looked him full and 
 defiantly in his gray spectacles. 
 
 " I ! do I know arty thing, sir ? I don't 
 know ; that is, I I Since you have cornered 
 me, I suppose I must tell what I suspect ; but it 
 is very unpleasant, sir." 
 
 " I am quite ready to listen to you, dean, and also 
 prepared to defend him. I shall not hear him 
 abused." 
 
 " I have no disposition to abuse him, sir," said
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 223 
 
 the dean stiffly. "I confess that he has-been a 
 thorn in my side ever since he audaciously tried to 
 engage the affections of my daughter. But to the 
 subject proper. There have been stories going 
 about which proved to have a foundation in truth. 
 The professor was seen in the cars with a young 
 babe, sir ; he was known to walk the streets here 
 like a man bewildered ; finally to rid himself of his 
 burden, by leaving the unfortunate child on your 
 doorstep. Put this with the fact that your wife, 
 his sister, adopted the foundling, or whatever it 
 was, and you will see that I had some reason for 
 suspecting him." 
 
 " That is all perfectly correct, sir ; but how in 
 Heaven's name did you hear of it? Have walls 
 ears?" 
 
 " Then you admit it ? " 
 
 " Of course I admit it : Conrad himself admits 
 it; and he also admits that the only mistake he 
 made was in abandoning the poor little child." 
 The dean lifted his eyebrows : he lifted himself, 
 in fact. He took off his spectacles ; but, finding 
 that he could not see me, he put them on again. 
 
 " You admit it, he admits it! And such a 
 man had the boldness to ask me for my daughter, 
 my only child ! "
 
 224 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " Such a man ! why, sir, if he had not been 
 such a man, noble, self-forgetting, altogether above 
 and beyond the run of small men with which our 
 humanity is cursed, he might have left an unfortu 
 nate infant to perish, or abandoned it to the tor 
 tured instincts of an insane mother. He is as far 
 above the ordinary animal God has been pleased to 
 bestow reason upon, as the planet is above the 
 river that reflects her beauty." And I told him 
 the story. 
 
 The dean sat down again, still in a maze ; the 
 dean listened ; he took out his handkerchief once, 
 but he was to'o stubborn to wipe his eyes, though 
 I saw they were wet, and his mouth worked vio 
 lently. 
 
 "Now, dean, what do you think of Prof. Von 
 Raab ? " 
 
 " I am astonished I am very much astonished, 
 and hum pleased and hum astonished, 
 as I said, before. But really, did you know how 
 many unpleasant comments this matter has occa 
 sioned ? " 
 
 " I wonder, if my wife had taken a lap-dog to pet, 
 to embroider for, and to nurse, if the community 
 would have troubled itself ? Yes, dean, I have
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 225 
 
 known that much talk was generated, and some 
 scandal ; but, to tell you the truth, I care very little 
 about what people say, as long, as my conscience is 
 clear, and my home the best place in the world. I 
 know my brother loves your daughter. He is a 
 man of some means, and, as you must be aware, of 
 fine abilities, and a nobility of character vouch 
 safed to but few men of his standing. You must 
 do him justice, dean ; he is worthy of any man's, 
 any woman's, lo've : so, since you have learned the 
 truth concerning -those absurd rumors, you will 
 perhaps " 
 
 " Give him my Nellie. Young man, you may 
 some time know what it means to feel that your 
 child's affections have drifted from you into the 
 keeping of an utter stranger, and " He cleared 
 his throat with more than necessary vehemence. 
 
 " My dear dean, I am not so young a man, but I 
 shall be delighted if ever I have a daughter ; and 
 doubly pleased if for a lover and a husband she 
 chooses a man like my brother-in-law Conrad Von 
 Raab." There was but little more said ; but I felt 
 that the battle was won, because Nellie had been 
 beforehand with me. 
 
 I have only one more of my wife's unequalled
 
 226 THAT WIFE .OF MINE, 
 
 -accidents to chronicle. It was on the occasion of 
 a small party, just a family party, including the 
 dean and Nellie. The dean, bless him ! showed 
 himself now in his true character. Nellie was 
 seraphic, Conrad ecstatic, and the others all as near 
 some other attic as the mood allowed. 
 
 I had been talking in a rambling way about my 
 contributors, several of whom were named. 
 
 " And how about Peri? " queried Lissa daringly. 
 " By the way, what do you think of her verses ? " 
 
 " They are uncommonly good." 
 
 " Who do you suppose writes them ? " 
 
 " You do," said I gravely. 
 
 " I ! " she started, faltered, and looked round 
 timidly; for this talk had gone on partly in an 
 aside. 
 
 " Yes," I said, " you ! Ladies and gentlemen, I 
 am about to introduce to you a new star which 
 has lately risen in the firmament of letters." 
 
 I took my wife by the hand. She drew back in 
 literal terror. 
 
 " Lissa," I whispered in an undertone, " who 
 once said she would obey me, if " 
 
 She rose, tried to smile ; but, as I saw the tears 
 were coming, I released her hand, and she escaped
 
 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 227 
 
 from the room in the midst of murmurs of applause 
 and wonder. We did not see her again till tea- 
 time. 
 
 " I made a cake," she said aside to me, " to 
 show that I can do some things, as well as others." 
 
 It was a magnificent cake. Joe cut it. The 
 dean ate a slice while it was quite warm. The 
 rest of us waited ; ana the consequence was, our 
 cake remained upon our plates, only tasted. 
 
 " Lissa," I whispered after tea, " what is there 
 in that cake ? " 
 
 " The very best of every thing." 
 
 " No kerosene ? " 
 
 " What can you mean ? " She gravely tasted the 
 cake. Then, followed by me, she ran into the 
 kitchen, lifted the essence-bottle which she had 
 used, smelled hard, and turned as white as a sheet 
 
 " O Charlie ! will the dean die ? " she cried with 
 a terrified face. 
 
 " Horror of blunders ! " I cried, frightened for 
 the moment, and powerless to move. 
 
 She showed me the bottle. It was labelled, 
 
 " Benzine." 
 
 I had thoughtlessly placed it there myself, 
 because it corresponded with bottles of a similar 
 size ; little dreaming that they were essences.
 
 228 THAT WIFE OF MINE. 
 
 " O Charlie ! my unfortunate cold ! I put two 
 spoonfuls in. I was in such a hurry ! How could 
 the dean eat it ? " 
 
 " Because, while it was hot, the taste was less 
 observable, I suppose." 
 
 " Do you think I have poisoned him ? " 
 
 " I'll go back and see," I replied a little doubt 
 fully. Lissa followed me tremblingly. 
 
 " He laughs remarkably loud for a dead man," 
 I said, as we paused at the door. 
 
 I am happy to state that no harm came of our 
 benzine sponge-cake ; also, that the course of true 
 love ran comparatively smooth after that ; also, 
 that I built the small German cottage ; also, that, 
 as Tiddy prophesied, the cradle did come handy, 
 and that Jo is the proudest aunt in all Christen 
 dom ; while Tiddy says reflectively, her black 
 finger upon her blacker nose, 
 
 " Dat ar' chile wa'n't never laff on nobody's door 
 steps ; no, mam ! " 
 
 At present I am the happiest man in the world ; 
 though still I have occasion to say, often in joy, 
 sometimes in sorrow, - 
 
 OH, THAT WIFE OF MINE !
 
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 STARTLING SITUATIONS, TEMPTATIONS, 
 
 And all that makes up 
 
 .A. TIEHR-IIiljULsra- S T O DR. TT, 
 
 In the semblance of an autobiography, 
 
 WELL RENDERED, SPRIGHTLY, PATHETIC, WITH A DASH 
 OF SENSATION." 
 
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 OUR POPULAR NOVELS. 
 
 " There never was a true or noble deed in the world without somt 
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 ONLY GIRLS. 
 
 By VIRGINIA F. TOWNSEND, 
 
 ^.uthor of " That Queer Girl, " &c., &c. 
 
 i2mo. Cloth. Illustrated. $1.50. 
 
 " It is a thrilling story, written in a fascinating style, and the plot is adroitly 
 handled." 
 
 JH^ It might be placed in any sabbath school library, so 
 pure is it in tone ; and yet it is so free from the mawkishness 
 and silliness that mar the class of books usually found there, 
 that the veteran novel-reader is apt to finish it at a sitting. 
 
 THE AUTHORESS WIELDS A VIGOROUS PEN, 
 
 Which unmasks hypocrisy, and lets the sunlight of truth enter in. Her stories 
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 receive. 
 
 These are a part of the "golden opinions " from all sorts of newspaper^ 
 clipped at random from 
 
 A VOLUME OF PRAISE, 
 
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 particularly ; but all ages will find it 
 
 WELL WORTH THE READING. 
 LEE & SHEPABD, Publishers, Boston.
 
 OUR POPULAR NOVELS. 
 
 A GIRL'S STORY THAT ENDS WITH A WEDDING," 
 
 SALLY WILLIAMS, 
 
 THE: MOUNTAIN 
 
 By MRS. EDNAH D. CHENEY. 
 
 Author of " Patience," " Social Games," " The Child of the 
 Tide," &c. 
 
 i2mo. Cloth. Illustrated. $1.50. 
 
 Pure, strong, healthy, just what might be expected from the pen of so gifted 
 a writer as Mrs. Cheney. A very interesting picture of 
 
 LIFE AMONG THE NEW HAMPSHIRE HILLS, 
 
 Enlivened by the tangle of the ups and downs of every-day life in this out-of- 
 the-way locality. The characters introduced are 
 
 QUAINTLY ORIGINAL, 
 
 And their adventures are narrated with remarkable skill. The heroine, Sally 
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 father, a good-natured but shiftless young man, leaves for Australia to " make his 
 fortune." Her 
 
 STRUGGLES AND TRIALS 
 
 Until her father's return are well depicted ; and the story is interspersed with 
 
 clever bits of description ; and phases of life are presented which are seldom 
 
 found, but will be all the more enjoyable for their novelty. 
 
 The BOSTON TRAVELLER says : " Its characters are of yie best types of New 
 
 England country people, and the plot is quite romantic." 
 
 The SPRINGFIELD UNION says : " The story deserves a generous circulation." 
 And the BOSTON TRANSCRIPT adds : " The story is interesting to the very 
 
 HSF" Make the acquaintance of the "Mountain Girl" at 
 once. She will please you. 
 
 LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston.
 
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