YB 46406 Fred M. I)kW Bookskller 1609 TELEGRAPH A OAKLAND, Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2008 with funding from Microsoft Corporation https://archive.org/details/funaboutfordsOOjjwhrich FUNABOUT FORDS F unabout Fords CHICAGO THE HOWELL COMPANY 1915 COPYRIGHT. 1915 BY THE HOWELL COMPANY >\ ^. COPYRIGHT IN ENGLAND ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PUBLISHED MAY. 1915 The Hill Binding Company, ChU^xgo. PREFACE At the present writing, consistent with its popularity, the Ford auto- mobile is made the subject of many good-natured anecdotes. It must be a mighty good car to carry all the wheezes that are crowded onto it. Why the Ford is chosen for all auto- mobile jests, I do not know, unless it is because nobody enjoys a ‘‘Ford story” more than a Ford owner, and there are more Ford automobiles than any other kind. Nobody takes these stories seriously, for we all know the Ford stands up with the best of them and we buy one when we want the most for our money. Put the reverse on the stories to fol- low and in ordering your Ford men- tion Fundbout Fords; maybe Mr. Ford will forgive me. 464395 J. J. w. FUNABOUT FORDS Right at the start we want to say that we consider the Ford a good car — a rattling good car. * * A Ford will go anywhere except in society. . * * Our idea of the height of luxury is a colored chauffeur in uniform driv- ing a Ford limpousine. * * “What shock absorbers do you use on your Ford?” “The passengers.” 9 FUNABOUT FORDS It was a pleasant day, and on a good road tlie little Ford bowled mer- rily along. Suddenly it gave a wbeezy cough and stopped dead. In- vestigation showed that the engine had dropped out a dozen miles back. The little Ford had run twelve miles on its reputation. * * A Ford owner says he doesn’t need a speedometer. He has a cuckoo clock arrangement on his machine. "When the machine is running twelve miles an hour the cuckoo pops out and sings “This is the life!” * * Speaking of great men and what they have done for our country, have you ever considered what Henry Ford has done for us? He has made walking popular. 10 FUNABOUT FORDS SOLD The owner of a livery stable in a summer resort town in Michigan found his business falling off heavily because of the increasing number of automobiles. He finally decided to turn the stable into a garage and, as a start, charged seventy-five cents for car space over the week-end. Business was so good the first week he raised the price to one dollar and twenty- five cents, the second week meeting each car at the entrance and advising the driver of the increase. The new figure caused no lessening in his trade, so he asked two dollars the third week. Toward evening of the two dollar day he saw a Ford ap- proaching and, as usual, went out to the entrance to meet it. 11 FUNABOUT FORDS “Two dollars today!” he shouted to the driver. “All right,” was the reply. “It’s yours.” * * After all the Ford is the best fam- ^ ily car. It has a tank for father, a hood for mother, and a rattle for baby. * * \ “I hear they are going to mag- netize the rear axle of the Ford.” “What’s the idea?” “So it will pick up the parts that drop off.” * * When I bought my Ford the sales- man told me it would go as fast as the wind. It seems as though when- ever I go out into the country, the wind dies down. 12 FUNABOUT FORDS PEACE AT LAST St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates and examined those who would enter. One of the questions he seemed to think important related to automo- biles. “What kind of a car did you own?” he asked a large, portly soul. “A Packard,” replied the 1. p. s. “I am sorry,” said St. Peter, “but that does not help you. You will have to go down.” “Did you have an auto?” he asked a long, lean bean. “I did, sir — a Pierce Arrow.” “Too bad,” said St. Peter; “please press the lower button.” “And you, little man, did you own a machine?” “Yes, sir, I did,” replied a spry little fellow, starting to enter the ele- vator. , ■> FUNABOUT FORDS “What was it?” “A Ford,” replied the s. 1. f. “Come in,” said St. Peter, throw- ing open the gates. “You have had your hell on earth!” * * A farmer stopped at the roadside until a large limousine had passed and then stepped in front of a Ford. After he had been picked up and dusted he was asked: “Why didn’t you look to see if another car was following the big one?” “Gosh!” he said, “how was I to know it had a colt running after it?” * * Ford stories proved too much for one man, who dreamed that his ma- chine was a one-burner gasoline stove. 14 FUNABOUT FORDS SHOULD HAVE TIED IT A man rushed into a farm yard and asked the use of a ladder. “What do you want the ladder for?” asked the farmer. “Why my Ford is up in a tree, down the road.” “Up in a tree? Are you crazy? How in the world did your Ford get up in a tree?” “Well, you see, I was cranking it and the darned thing slipped out of my hands.” * * WELL? Once in London there was to be a military review in honor of a visit- ing Rajah. Several Americans at- tended, expecting scenes of barbaric splendor. And the Rajah came in a Ford. 15 FUNABOUT FORDS INEFFECTUAL On a cold morning recently a small boy stood intently watching a man drawing a blanket over the hood of his machine. When the operation was completed, the boy said: “It’s no nse mister, you can’t fool any- body; anyone can tell it’s a Ford.” * * A man advertised that he would give away his Ford on a certain cor- ner at a certain hour. When he drove up to the corner he found a hundred driverless Fords standing around. * * A new city ordinance in one city provides that Fords be allowed to run on the sidewalks so automobiles won’t hit them. 16 FUNABOUT FORDS A MODERN DAVID The Ford is my auto, I shall not want (another) ; It maketh me to lie down beneath it; It soreth my soul. It leadeth me into the paths of ridi- cule For its name’s sake. Yea, though I ride through the val- leys, I am towed up the hills. I fear much evil; my rod and my engines discomfort me. I anoint my tires with patches; My radiator runneth over; I repair my blowouts in the presence of mine enemies. Surely, if this thing follows me all the days of my life, I shall dwell in the hug-house for- ever. 17 FUNABOUT FORDS “You seem to be late this morn- ing.” “Yes, I was coming through the park this morning in my Ford and ^ when I wasn’t looking a squirrel sneaked up and chewed the nuts off my car.” * * The Ford broke down and the driver “got out and got under.” After waiting several minutes one of the occupants leaned over the side of the car and shouted: “What are you doing? Milking it?” * * “Did you know that in Iowa they \ have to paint all the Fords red?” “How is that?” “Because of a new state law re- quiring all tin cans containing gaso- line to be of that color.” 18 FUNABOUT FORDS THE RACE IS ALWAYS TO THE SWIFT Once upon a time, a large Pack- ard and a Ford had a race. The Packard was a brand new eight- cylinder car and was guaranteed to run eighty miles an hour. The Ford was about six years old and was tied together with string. The driver of the Packard was a reckless sort of fellow and very careless. The Ford driver was a cautious, con- servative chap who had driven a Ford car for years and was ready for anything. It was to be a six- mile race with an even start. The Ford got away at the drop of the hat, but the careless driver of the large car waited to light a cigarette and 19 FTJNABOUT FORDS allowed the Ford to get a half-mile start. . . . And the Packard finished the course before the Ford reached the first mile post. * * “Novel use for blank car. Mag- gie Teyte drives it in Canada to sing for the soldiers going to war.” — The valued Post. Now we know what a muffler is for. — Line-o’-Type or Two. And a cut-out. * * There was an old man And he had a wooden leg, Not a ride could he steal, Not a ride would he beg, So he took four spools And an old coal hod. He built him a Ford, And it ran, by dod! 20 FUNABOUT FORDS THE SECOND POST (Received by the Mayor of Stevens Point, Wis.) Dear Mr. Mayor Pasternacki, I am a young farmer and I want to get married. I have a two hundred acre farm and i am lonesome. I am single and was never married be- cause i could never find the right girl. But i was in Stevens Point a couple of weeks ago and i saw a nice girl there. I was only in town for about an hour and i lost tract of her. Ive been thinking it over and i come to the conclusion that i will marry her. She was about middle height and plump and she was good looking. "When you find her please let me know and i will come in and get her. Of course if you can’t find her maybe you can find another. I 21 FUNABOTJT FORDS can support a wife. Yes and i will even get a ford if slie wont marry me without one. Thanking you now. Yours truly, etc. P. S. — She had tan shoes. — Line-o ’-Type or Two. * * “I understand the wheel-base of the Ford is to he made smaller.” “I’ll bite. Why is the wheel-base of the Ford to be made smaller?” “So it will be possible to get all of them on the boulevards.” * * “Can I sell you a speedometer?” “I don’t use one. When my Ford is running five miles an hour, the fender rattles, twelve miles an hour my teeth rattle, and fifteen miles an hour the transmission drops out.” 22 FUNABOUT FORDS NATURALLY In a large garage a man wagered with the owner that he could name any machine merely by the sound of the engine. An attendant was in- structed to crank the different ma- chines, the boastful one was blind- folded, and the test began. “Overland,” he called for the first one. “Correct,” said the owner; “try the next one.” “ Studebaker. ” * ‘ Right-o ! Crank another. ’ ’ Just then a load of coal was shot into the alley from a wagon. “Ford,” said the guesser. * * A little boy watching a man crank- ing his Ford, impudently asked : “Why don’t she play, mister?” 23 FUNABOUT FOEDS AND BEHIND A party driving in a large eight- cylinder car pulled up behind another machine. One of the ladies in the party, almost suffocated with dust, said: “For heaven’s sake, why don’t you pass that car?” “Oh, what’s the use; that’s a Ford, and there are hundreds of them ahead of us.” * * “Have you heard that Fords are not required to carry lamps?” “What is the reason for that?” “They are light enough without them.” * * “I haven’t seen your Ford in a long time.” “I ride in it only after dark. Even the birds chirp ‘cheep, cheep’ when I pass by.” 24 FUNABOUT FOBDS A thrifty housewife saved all of her empty cans and, after a quantity had accumulated, shipped them to Detroit. After a few weeks she was delighted to receive the following letter : “Dear Madam: In accordance with your instructions we have made up and are shipping you today one Ford. We are also returning eight cans which were left over.” * * “Where were you going when I saw you last night?” “I was going to my sister’s house. It was her wedding anniversary.” “Which one?” “Her tin wedding anniversary.” “What did you give her for a present?” “A Ford automobile.” 25 FUNABOUT FORDS HARK! HARK! THE FORD! (From the Emporia Gazette) There are in the United States at this minute 1,754,570 automobiles, most of which are in Emporia run- ning as jitneys. It is no trouble to catch a jitney in this town. Many people catch them before they’ve been exposed, as near as they can tell. — Line-o ’-Type or Two. * * “I thought you had the agency for the Ford automobile?” “I did, but they took it away from me.” “Who took it away?” “The five and ten cent store.” * * “What do you think of Fords?” “They are all right if they don’t get in your hair.” 26 FUNABOUT FORDS YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM A man who had been in a Ford for the first time had this to say: “We started out all right, but after a few minutes my friend seemed uneasy and fumbled around a great deal. Finally he stopped the car, exclaiming: “ ‘The engine is missing!’ “ ‘By George!’ said I, ‘that is won- derful ! ’ “ ‘What is wonderful?’ sezze. “ ‘Why, this little Ford going a half mile without an engine!’ ” * * “Engine a little noisy?” “Sure; if I should be struck by a train at a crossing, I could prove that neither I nor anyone else within a block of me heard the locomotive whistle.” 27 FUNABOUT FORDS MAGNETO-GENERATED ELEC- TRIC LIGHTS This is indeed the acme of perfec- tion in automobile lighting. The in- genuity exercised in causing auto- matically the lights to subside when the car is in motion, thereby compell- ing slow and careful driving, is to be commended. Furthermore, should you, through the dim haze, discover an obstruction, you can stop the machine and at once you will find the obstacle bathed in a flood of light, where it may be analyzed and studied with due deliberation. * * It is reported that when a large car, which had lain upside down in a damp place for a week, was righted, several small Fords ran out from beneath it. 28 FUN A BOUT FORDS AFFORD OR A FORD Two brothers inherited money. Each received thirty-five hundred dollars. Both purchased automo- biles. One sunk his all in a Hotfoot Six. The other bought a Ford. In races the Ford refused to be beaten. They held endurance tests, and the Ford was always there at the finish. “But,” said the plunger, “what causes all that rattling I hear?” “Oh,” replied the cautious one, “that’s the jingle of my three thou- sand dollars.” Write your own moral. * * A friend of mine was driving down the boulevard the other day when a small boy yelled: “Hey, mister, where is your other skate?” 29 rUNABOUT FOEDS THE IDEA! “Why did you buy a Ford?” “The people in my neighborhood care very little for style and had I purchased a fine looking car of ad- vanced body and design they would think me stuck up. With this ma- chine they don’t know but what I made it myself.” * * “Well, I’ve got a cycle car now.” “You have? I thought you had a Ford.” “I have. But I’ve put up the big car for the winter.” * * “Wliy does the average man think more of his automobile than he does of his wife?” “Because he can get an improved model every year.” 30 FUNABOUT FORDS IF I SHOULD DIE If I should die tonight And you should come to my cold corpse and say, Weeping and heartsick o’er my life- less clay — If I should die tonight, And you should say in sorrow and in tear “I made forty miles an hour a’ get- ting here.” I might arise in my large white cravat And say, “What’s that?” If I should die tonight And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel, Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel, I say, if I should die tonight And you should come to me. and there and then 31 FUNABOUT FOEDS Just even hint, that Ford made more than ten, I might arise the while, But I’d drop dead again. With variations, from Ben King’s verse. * * “I am going to buy a Ford car,” said one man, “and then I’ll know that I will never be arrested for speeding.” * * “How do you like your new Ford?” “The car is all right, but people stop me at every corner to ask if it is a jitney bus.” * * “Ya, mein car has gott all von der latest improvements, self com- mencer und everything.” 32 PUNABOUT FORDS HANDY A Ford ploughing along a country road met a large limousine hub deep in mud. The Ford was hitched to the large car and pulled it to solid ground. “I am much obliged for the lift,” said the driver of the large car ; “that’s a powerful little machine — what is it called?’ “This is a Ford.” “Guess I’ll have to get one for my tool box.” * * OLD PEOYERB— REBUILT Before going to war say a prayer; before going to sea say two prayers ; before marrying say three prayers; before buying a Ford say four pray- ers. 33 FUNABOUT FORDS ANYTHING TO OBLIGE An Irishman came out of an office building and found his Ford locked in between two large cars. He got into the car and honked a few times, but the chauffeur of the large car ahead paid no attention to him. Finally the Irishman shouted, “I say, me frind, will you pull up a bit, or shall I go under you?” * * VERY GOOD, EDDIE An automobile salesman was ex- plaining things to a prospective cus- tomer, when the p. c. interrupted him: “Oh! is that what the differential is? I thought it was a lap robe, woolly on one side and smooth on the other.” 34 FUNABOUT FORDS THE EMPORIA GAZETTE I hope we won’t get a limousine when we do get one. Not that the isn’t a good car; for it is. It is the average man’s car. If a man has to drive his car in his shirt sleeves and suspenders, he looks better driving a than a , for that matter. But a limou- sine some way is like a man in a two-piece summer suit, a celluloid collar, and a plug hat. * * ANNOYING A messenger boy was walking down the street reading a novel when he was struck by a Ford car. The driver asked the boy if he was hurt. “Naw,” said the boy, “but you made me lose my place in the story.” 35 FUNABOUT FORDS HURRAH! The young man dashed madly down the street. He overturned fruit stands and aged blind men in his wild career. He ran into a perambulator and the baby was thrown into the street. “Murderer,” hissed the mother through her clenched teeth. But on he rushed. Dashing up the stairs he pounded on the door of a large house. When it was opened he plunged in, shouting: “Mary! Mary! Come quickly! I’ve got a new Ford story!” * * ACCORDING TO BARNUM “I understand they make a Ford every two minutes.” “Well, at that, they are supplying only half the demand.” 36 FUNABOUT FORDS THE PERILS OF PAUL LEAN j ] (Overlooked by National Board of Censorship) Paul Lean, jitney driver, lounges luxuriously in cushions of Ford. Packard shoots past. Soprano cries for help. Glimpse of three black-mus- tached villains. Beautiful girl bound hand and foot. Paul to rescue. Girl rescued. Race to police sta- tion. Packard in hot pursuit. Girl: “Can’t you find a better road?” Paul: “Good road. Ford always rides this way.” Girl: “Much farther?” Paul: “Two miles.” Girl: “Stop.” Paul: “Where going?” Girl: “Back in Packard!” 37 FUNABOUT FORDS TRY THE THIRD CHAPTER “What’s become of the solitary horseman who used to appear in the first chapter, outlined against the hori- zon on the top of- a hill?” “He is probably at the bottom of the hill in a Ford with his engine stalled. ’ ’ * * It has been called the Christian Science car. You think you have an automobile. * * Then there is the story of the farmer who had his tin roof blown off and torn and twisted by a cyclone. It is said that he shipped the roof to De- troit and was advised by the Ford people that it was beyond repair and they would have to send a new car. But we take this story with a g. o. s. 38 FUNABOUT FOEDS LUCKY, AT THAT “Did you succeed in selling your Ford?” “I tried to sell it, but nobody would buy it ; I tried to give it away, but nobody would take it, so I left it standing in front of the house and moved away.” * * A FORD? “Why didn’t you toot your horn if you saw the man in the road ahead?” “I thought it would be more merci- ful if he never knew what struck him.” * * Speak harshly to your little Ford And kick it when it freezes ; It only does it to annoy, Because it knows it teases. 39 FUNABOUT FORDS ENOUGH! “Why did you trade your big Complex for a Ford?” “Because I wanted to be comfort-' able and I couldn’t be in the large car, with its soft cushions and easy springs. You see, I drove a milk wagon for fifteen years.” * * “Why is it called a runabout?” “Because it will run about a mile without stopping.” * * At a wedding recently the bride- groom had just said “With all my goods I thee endow,” when his father was heard to remark: “Gee! there goes his Ford. 40 FUNABOUT FOBDS The children in the lower grades of a Chicago public school were read- ing stories of pioneer days, and came to the sentence, “The hunter looked about for a ford.” Thinking her pu- pils did not understand, the teacher asked them, “What is a ford?” For a moment there was no reply, and then in all seriousness one little girl said, “I know. It is something like an automobile.” * * Mr. Jones was prowling through the house in the middle of the night and stubbed his toe against a baby carriage in the hall. * ‘Damn Fords, ’ ’ he muttered, “they get in every- where. ’ ’ * * “Why is a Ford like an affinity?” “Because you hate to be seen on the street with one.” 41 FUNABOUT FORDS A lady was telling her husband about the fine new automobile their neighbor was going to get. “What is the name of the car?” “I can’t remember, but it starts with T.” “That must be a Ford. All the others start with gasoline.” * * In a theatre the other night a man sat in his seat long after everybody else had gone. An usher touched him on the shoulder and said, “The show is over, mister.” “That can’t be,” was the reply. “I haven’t heard a Ford joke yet!” * * One great advantage of a Ford is that you can always get a few more miles by going back to the rear axle and tickling it. 42 PUNABOUT POBDS A FIEND IN HUMAN FORM A party driving on a boulevard saw a Ford turned upside down and examination showed no reason for this unusual position. A little farther f they met with another with its wheels in the air. Just then a Ford swung onto the boulevard from a side street. It seemed to slow down as it hit the pavement and finally stopped, turned over and died. The party drove up to the disconsolate Ford driver, who was sitting on the curb with his head in his hands. “What is the matter with the Fords? We passed two in the same shape a little way back.” “Why,” replied the Ford man, “some darn fool has sprinkled insect powder all along the boulevard!” 43 FUNABOUT FORDS “I understand everyone at the pic- nic suffered from ptomaine poison- ing.” “Yes, they kept the lunch in a Ford all morning.” * * Mr. Cohen was considering insur- ance for his Ford. The agent said he would place fire, accident and theft insurance on the car for thirty dollars. “That is ten dollars for each kind,” said Mr. Cohen. “Here is twenty dollars, give me the fire and accident. ’ ’ * * “Willie!” shouted the irate par- ent, “How many times must I tell you not to wash your Ford in the bathtub? Put it out in the kitchen with the dishes.” 44 FUNABOUT FORDS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT The first few trips made by the Murphys in their new Ford were : spoiled for Mr. Murphy by the ac- tions of his wife. She sat behind him and offered advice and informa- tion, generally accompanied by a poke in the back. Mr. Murphy be- came very tired of “Blow your horn, Paddy” and “Look out for the hearse behind us,” and reprimanded Mrs. Murphy severely. On the occa- sion of Father O’Malley’s first ride with them he took particular pains to make his meaning clear to his wife and said he would sell the car if he heard a peep from her. So with little Jimmy beside him in the front seat and Father O’Malley and Mrs. Murphy in the rear, the party sal- lied forth to the country. After a 45 FUNABOUT FORDS mile or two of rough roads without a word or a poke from his wife, Murphy had commenced to feel at ease when the good lady leaned over the hack of his seat. “I don’t want to iffind ye, Paddy,” she said, “but I thought ye might like to know His Biverence is no longer with us!” * * Stopping at a toll-gate the Ford driver asked the charge. “Fords, three for a nickel.” “But there is only one!” “Oh, there will be a couple more along in a minute.” * * A dealer in Indiana wrote to the home office asking if they would paint his cars yellow. He wanted to hang them in bunches and sell them like bananas. 46 FUNABOUT FORDS EXTREME CRUELTY Two old Irish cronies were killed in an explosion. One found himself in Heaven and looked around for his partner. “St. Peter,” he said, “can you tell me where Pat Doogan is?” “I am sorry, Mike,” answered St. Peter, “but Pat is in hell.” “And I didn’t have time to say good-bye to him ! I wonder if I couldn’t run down and speak to him for a minute?” St. Peter arranged for Mike to visit Pat in hell. Pat showed Mike all around the place. Mike was surprised to find fine parks and boulevards. “And have ye automobiles ?” asked Mike. “We have,” said Pat. “Come 47 FUNABOTJT FORDS over and see the garage.” He led Mike to a large stone building. Mike looked over the place and exclaimed: “But I thought ye said automo- biles, Pat. Sure, these are all Fords!” “I know, I know, Mike,” said Pat. “That’s the hell of it.” “What kind of car is that?” “This is a cantaloupe.” “What’s that?” “Haven’t you ever heard of a Rocky Ford?” * * Smith had his new Ford standing in front of his house and saw Jones inspecting it carefully. “How do you like it?” he asked. “Fine,” answered J ones, “but where do you take out the ashes?” 48 FUNABOUT FORDS Three neighbors with new ears held a christening. The first man had a Pierce-Arrow. “I name thee George Washington,” he said. “First in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his country- men. ’ ’ “I name thee Abraham Lincoln,” said the owner of a Cadillac. “Of the people, by the people, and for the people. ’ ’ The last man owned a Ford. “I name thee Theodore Roose- velt,” he exclaimed, “you rough- riding son-of-a-gun ! ” * * Two Germans afoot were passed by a Ford and one of them heaved a big sigh. “Ach,” he said, “at home when she made limburger cheese, that’s just the smell that mother used to make.” 49 PUNABOUT FORDS “What business are you in, Jack?* “I’ll tell you, but I wish you would keep it quiet. I am selling Fords — but mother thinks I am a burglar.” * * “What is your name, little girl?” “You won’t laugh if I tell you?” “No.” “Iona Ford.” * * A LAST CHANCE “I want to see the government own everything,” said the discontented man. “Maybe it might he a good idea,” replied the other. “I have a per- fectly good Ford I would like to sell it” so FUNABOUT FORDS CHEERING NEWS A Ford owner was stopped by an old neighbor lady. “I hope you will excuse my stop- ping you,” she said, “but seeing you drive by did so remind me of my poor brother, who was took from me, that I felt I must speak with you. He used to be always riding in his Ford like you are.” “And how long ago did your broth- er die?” asked the driver sympathet- ically. “Oh, sir, he isn’t dead”; was the reply. “He was took to the asy- lum.” * * “Have you heard the last Ford story?” “I hope so.” Si FUNABOUT FOEDS An amateur hunter was startled by a loud cackling and sputtering over- head and questioned his companion. “Oh, that’s nothing,” said the other; “just a flock of Fords going to spawn.” 52 FUN ABOUT FORDS THE FABLE OF ONE WAY AS AGAINST ANOTHER Once upon a time there lived a man whose chief concern was to make the other fellow envy him. He inter- preted this concern as the natural desire of any healthy and self re- specting citizen to make a good im- pression upon his contemporaries. And he really believed in his inter- pretation. His mother and father sat up nights, when he made his appearance in the world, trying to decide whether to name him James, after his grand- father, or John, after his uncle. After weeks of debate, and for no accountable reason, the uncle won out, but it was time lost — for when John reached that age where he wanted to know what his middle ini- 53 FUNABOUT FORDS tial stood for, lie changed Ms signa- ture and ever afterward wrote it “J. Lawrence Jones.” He called Ms feminine parent “The Mater” and his masculine parent “The Governor.” Marriage to him was a social event. His idea of business was to deal in “Propositions.” And, considering everything, he was fairly successful at it. You know the brand. He was of the type that created conversation as follows: “What does Jones do?” “I don’t know. But it must be pretty good.” • At the same time there lived an- other man whose cMef concern was to make others happy, and thereby to 54 FUNABOUT FORDS corral a large amount of happiness for himself. His name was William K., and he stuck to it. ! He fulfilled his obligations and played a reliable game. His idea of business was value received. And he carried this idea through every phase of his life. He believed in the “Safety First” discipline. He liked comfort, even luxury, but would pay for it only what it was worth. He had no wild objection to a monogram on a shirt sleeve but he would not pay good money for it. He did not know it, but the polit- ical economists had figured him and his kind as the pillars of society. These two men lived in the era of automobiles. Each of them had a desire to have one. 55 FUNABOUT FOEDS J. Lawrence carried through a proposition that got him a car with a wheel base of one hundred and forty-two inches and a gold clock on the dash, and he lashed four outer casings to the back of the body, be- cause that had class. He had to look through the steering wheel to see the road ahead. William K. bought a Ford. J. Lawrence regretted that the At- lantic and Pacific were so close to- gether that he could not go more than five thousand miles without doubling back on his trail. Bill certainly enjoyed the scenery. He also found that he could use his Ford in his business, and make it pay, because it wasn’t a burden. Somehow or other, after a couple of months, somebody else bought J. 56 FUNABOUT FORDS Lawrence’s car to great advantage. J. Lawrence never did know what he got for the margin that it cost him. In other words, he had laid his right eye out on the table. His argument now is that automobile enthusiasts are misguided, that automobiling is a losing proposition, that he wouldn’t have the most expensive car on the market at any price. Yet, he walks, and nobody envies him. All this happened several years ago. Bill is still driving a Ford. And he continues to enjoy the scenery. And so do the wife and the kiddies. Moral — The answer is easy. A. H. B. 57 Three Practical Books What a Salesman Should Know By HENRY C. TAYLOR For everyone who sells goods, either at retail or traveling. What an Advertiser Should Know By HENRY C. TAYLOR For everyone who advertises. Written in an easily understandable manner. The Letter Writer’s Handbook By JOHN REXBURN For everyone who would write correctly, in business and socially. Both Each Book 80 Cents, Post Paid BOOK NEWS If you will send us your name and address we will send you our announcements of new books from time to time. If you cannot get “Funabout Fords* * in your city, we will mail it to you upon receipt of the price, twenty-five cents. The Howell Company, Publishers 608 SOUTH DEARBORN STREET Chicago,. Illinois ^ — 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT. This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. MAR 25 mo YjD- tNTER-LlBRAR'' t LOAN OCT 5 137 3 L (Al 2 724 S lor 476 B 9 Uni«re|£o 7 caltSrni a 5 " YB 46406 c INTERIM REPORT Dept. igliti iis edition only INTERLIBRARY LOAN REQUEST According to the A.L.A. 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