3ILL 
 
 STORIES 
 AFTER 
 DINNER
 
 UCSB tiBRARV 

 
 , H-E-L-L-O 
 u BILL! 
 
 A BOOK OF 
 AFTER-DINNER 
 STORIES 
 
 DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 220 EAST 23D STREET, NEW YORK
 
 Copyright, 1915, 
 By Dodge Publishing Co.
 
 fiello mil 
 
 THE ARM OF THE LAW 
 
 In a certain Canadian city, a lady was defend- 
 ing an action for a large sum of money which 
 she felt she was not morally entitled to pay. 
 When it looked as if the case would go against 
 her, she sold all her real estate and put the 
 proceeds, some $15,000 or more, in her pocket- 
 book which in her case, as is the custom with 
 some women, was her stocking. The judgment 
 was given against her and because she would 
 not pay nor tell where the money was, she was 
 sent to jail for a year. Her counsel tried to 
 get her released. The following conversation 
 formed part of the proceedings: " You admit," 
 said the judge, " that this woman had property 
 to the value of $15,000? " " Yes, your honor," 
 said the counsel. " And you admit that she 
 sold the property and put the money in her 
 5
 
 stocking? " " Yes, my lord." " And do you 
 mean to tell me that the arm of the law is not 
 long enough to reach it? " 
 
 EXERCISE AND FOOD 
 
 " What do you want? " demanded Mr. 
 Newlywed as he confronted the tramp at the 
 door of the bungalow; " breakfast or work? " 
 
 " Both, sir," replied the wayfarer timidly. 
 
 " Well, eat that," returned the other savagely, 
 handing out a biscuit and piece of steak, " and 
 you'll have both." 
 
 Whereupon Mrs. Newlywed glanced reproach- 
 fully at her husband, for he was giving away 
 the first fruits of her culinary studies at the 
 cooking school. 
 
 THE "STILL SMALL VOICE" 
 
 The moral of this story may be that it is 
 better to heed the warnings of the " still small 
 voice " before it is driven to the use of the 
 telephone. 
 
 A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his 
 
 window, saw a sight in an office across the street 
 
 that made him rub his eyes and look again. 
 
 Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty 
 
 6
 
 stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman's 
 lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was 
 lettered on the window and then searched in 
 the telephone book. Still keeping his eye upon 
 the scene across the street, he called the gentle- 
 man up. In a few moments he saw him start 
 violently and take down the receiver. 
 
 " Yes," said the lawyer through the tele- 
 phone, " I should think you would start." 
 
 The victim whisked his arm from its former 
 position and began to stammer something. 
 
 " Yes," continued the lawyer severely, " I 
 think you'd better take that arm away. And 
 while you're about it, as long as there seems 
 to be plenty of chairs in the room " 
 
 The victim brushed the lady from his lap, 
 rather roughly, it is to be feared. " Who 
 who the devil is this, anyhow? " he managed to 
 splutter. 
 
 " I," answered the lawyer in deep, impress- 
 ive tones, " am your conscience! " 
 
 WHO'S GOVERNOR? 
 
 While Governor Wilson of Kentucky was 
 housebound last whiter, owing to a strained 
 tendon hi his leg, he was attended by " Jim," 
 who had been general factotum to many gov- 
 
 7
 
 mm 
 
 ernors, and who was a source of much fun 
 among the State House attaches. The lame 
 leg caused the governor to move his office 
 temporarily to the mansion, where he received 
 many delegations. On one occasion Mrs. Wil- 
 son had waited luncheon for thirty minutes, 
 and she told His Excellency that he must come 
 down and eat with her. " My dear," said Mr. 
 Wilson, "just as soon as I see that delegation 
 of men downstairs, I'll be with you." Mrs. 
 Wilson was determined, and said: " Jim, you 
 go down and tell them to wait." " Jim," 
 frowned the governor, as that worthy started 
 off to obey the mistress of the mansion 
 " Jim, you know who is governor, don't you? " 
 " Yas, suh," grinned Jim, with seeming inno- 
 cence, " yas, suh, I'll go down and tell the 
 gemmen to wait, suh." 
 
 SHE WAS TOO QUICK 
 
 There were three at the little table hi the 
 cafe, a lady and two men. Suddenly the elec- 
 tric lights went out, and the lady, quickly and 
 noiselessly, drew back. 
 
 An instant later there was the smack of a 
 compound kiss. As the electric lights went 
 up each man was seen smiling complacently. 
 8
 
 " I thought I heard a kiss," said the lady; 
 " but nobody kissed me." 
 
 Then the men suddenly glared at each other 
 and flushed and looked painfully sheepish. 
 
 AN IMPERILED TREASURE 
 
 Indignant Wife: That new chauffeur has 
 only just brought the children and me home and 
 now he's taken the cook out for a spin. 
 
 Husband: Great Heavens! He doesn't 
 half know how to manage a car and she's the 
 first decent cook we've had hi a year. 
 
 WHERE BAD GIRLS GO 
 
 " Darling, where do good little girls go? " 
 asked a Bolckow mother of her young hopeful. 
 " To heaven," replied the child. " And where 
 do the bad little girls go? " asked the mother. 
 " To the depot to see the traveling men come 
 in." 
 
 ANNOUNCEMENT 
 
 The young minister temporarily officiating 
 at Hankins's Falls for the summer met Ehud 
 Leffingwell as he was walking to church on 
 Sunday morning. 
 
 " How do, Mister Leffingwell? " he cried, 
 9
 
 mm 
 
 cheerfully. " Going to church this beautiful 
 morning? " 
 
 " Hay? " asked Ehud, who was pretty hard 
 of hearing. " Hay? " 
 
 " Are -- you -- coming -- to church? " 
 roared the minister. 
 
 " Nuh," Ehud responded. " Lookin' fer 
 my caow. She must 'a' got out the barn las' 
 night. Unhooked the hasp, I cal'late, an' jest 
 strayed " 
 
 " Come on to church," the minister 
 shouted cordially, " and after preaching I'll 
 tell the congregation, and they'll help you. 
 You'll get your cow much quicker." 
 
 " B' jocks! I'll go ye," said Ehud, heartily, 
 and he fell into step with the young minister. 
 At the church door he was overcome by 
 modesty and, declaring that he didn't have his 
 Sunday-go- to-mee tin' clothes on, insisted upon 
 sitting in one of the most distant pews. 
 
 He didn't hear the sermon at all, but he could 
 tell when it was over by seeing the young minis- 
 ter fold up his manuscript and put it away. 
 This done, the young man began to make an- 
 nouncements. Ehud raised his right hand in a 
 great leathery scoop behind his ear, but still 
 he heard nothing. 
 
 10
 
 mm 
 
 " My dear friends," said the minister, " it 
 affords me great pleasure to tell you that on 
 Tuesday evening next, at the hour of six o'clock, 
 there will be celebrated at the home of the 
 bride's parents the wedding of Mr. Edward 
 Stoutenboro, one of our most esteemed and 
 promising young men, and that charming, es- 
 timable young lady as beautiful as she is 
 good Miss Mehitabel Dodsworth." 
 
 As the minister ceased, everybody was as- 
 tonished to see Ehud Leffingwell arise in his 
 pew. 
 
 " An' ye might add, parson," he shouted, 
 "that her eyes ain't mates an' she's a leetle mite 
 lame hi the off hind leg." 
 
 REGULAR ATTENDANT 
 
 The business manager for David Warfield 
 brought In from the road the story of the man- 
 ager of a thrilling melodrama, in one scene of 
 which a husband enters one door an instant 
 after an admirer of his wife has made his exit 
 from another. During a run of a week hi one 
 city the manager noticed that one man, ob- 
 viously from the country, went in every night. 
 Finally he remarked to the man that he must 
 enjoy the performance. " Tolerably so," re- 
 11
 
 mill 
 
 plied the playgoer, " but some night that hus- 
 band is going to catch that other feller, and I 
 want to be on hand to see what happens." 
 
 ALL CREDITED 
 
 All stories told relative to incidents that 
 occur at the gate of the celestial city are not 
 veracious, but this one has the semblance of 
 truth. 
 
 A broker who had made his mark in Wall 
 Street sought admission at the pearly gates. 
 
 " Who are you? " said St. Peter. 
 
 " I'm a Wall Street broker." 
 
 " What do you want? " 
 
 " I want to get in." 
 
 " What have you done that entitles you to 
 admission? " 
 
 " Well, I saw a decrepit woman in Broadway 
 the other day and gave her two cents." 
 
 " Gabriel, is that on the records? " 
 
 " Yes, St. Peter, it's marked down to his 
 credit." 
 
 " What else have you done? " 
 
 " Well, I crossed the Brooklyn bridge the 
 other night and met a newsboy half frozen to 
 death, and gave him one cent." 
 
 " Gabriel, is that on the records? " 
 12
 
 mm 
 
 " Yes, St. Peter." 
 
 " What else have you done? " 
 
 "' Well, I can't recollect anything else just 
 now." 
 
 " Gabriel, what do you think we ought to 
 do with this fellow? " 
 
 " Oh, give him back his three cents and tell 
 him to go to hell." 
 
 LIFE OF THE FUNERAL 
 
 " Please, ma'am," said Mandy, the little 
 colored maid of all work, " I'se got to leave yuh 
 next week, I'se gwine to be married." 
 
 " Why, Mandy," cried her astonished mis- 
 tress, " I didn't even know you had a beau." 
 
 " I haven't exackly had one," said Mandy, 
 " but yuh knows dat fun'ral I went to las' 
 week; well, I'se gwine to marry the corpse's 
 husband. He sez I was the life of the fun'ral." 
 
 JUST LIKE FATHER 
 
 Myra Kelly, whose stories of child life on the 
 East Side are well known to magazine readers, 
 tells many amusing stories of her experiences in 
 teaching the young idea of foreign extraction 
 how to shoot in English. On one occasion she 
 13
 
 was attempting to demonstrate to a class of 
 youthful pupils the exact meaning of various 
 words, using the plan of taking a word, care- 
 fully explaining its meaning and then asking 
 one of the class to construct a sentence contain- 
 ing that word. Among other words she selected 
 was " disarrange," and after having attempted 
 to make its meaning absolutely clear, called 
 upon a little Italian boy for an oral demonstra- 
 tion. After an interval of deep thought, he 
 gave utterance to this: 
 
 " My papa he get-a up early in de morning 
 for a light-a de fire in-a de kitchen. De fire he 
 go out, and my papa say: ' Damn'a dis-a 
 range '! " 
 
 POACHING 
 
 Sir William Gilbert, the dramatic author and 
 wit, at one time took a house in the country, 
 near the estate of a millionaire jam manufacturer, 
 retired. This man, having married an earl's 
 daughter, was ashamed of the trade whereby 
 he had piled up his fortune. The jam manu- 
 facturer one day wrote Sir William an impudent 
 letter, vowing that it was outrageous the way 
 the Gilbert servants were trespassing on his 
 grounds. Sir William wrote back: " Dear 
 14
 
 Sir I am very sorry to hear that my servants 
 have been poaching on your preserves. P. S. 
 You'll excuse my mentioning your preserves, 
 won't you? " 
 
 ON THE LANDING STAGE AT HAR- 
 WICH 
 
 Fair, fat, spectacled and big mustached, it 
 needed not his guttural tones and Teuton accent 
 to acquaint the hotel manager that the new 
 arrival owed allegiance to Europe's Inexhaust- 
 ible Surprise Packet, the Kaiser. 
 
 " Vrom Potsdammerburg I vas come, sir," 
 announced the newcomer. 
 
 " A very fine place, sir," returned the man- 
 ager politely. 
 
 " Der vas a petter." 
 
 " Yes? Berlin? " 
 
 " Nein. Ohm." 
 
 " Ohm? In er Germany, of course? " 
 
 " Donner und blitzen, nein! In England. 
 In dis gountry." 
 
 " Ohm? " said the manager, thoughtfully. 
 
 " Ya," growled the German. " I vas come 
 
 from Potsdammerburg to see Ohm. Der vas 
 
 no blace like Ohm. I vas at der goncert in 
 
 Berlin, und I hear der great English soprano 
 
 15
 
 mill 
 
 sing dot der vas no blace like Ohm, und all der 
 Engleesh beobles in der goncert gry like der 
 leedle babies. Dot must be der vonderful blace, 
 Ohm, to make der English beobles gry, und 
 I dell mineself dot I vill go und see dis Ohm 
 vot der vas no blace like. Now, sir, vich der 
 vay to Ohm? " 
 
 COMING OUT 
 
 " So this is your daughter's coming-out 
 dinner, is it? " a friend said to the debutante's 
 father. " Yes," the stern old man replied, 
 " and if I hadn't put my foot down on that 
 dressmaker, she'd have been out even further 
 than she is." 
 
 IN A CHEMIST'S SHOP 
 
 "Of course," said the lady to the druggist, 
 " it may be perfectly harmless, just as you say; 
 but then, you know, there has been so much 
 exposure of patent medicines and such goods 
 that I " 
 
 " My dear madam," interrupted the druggist, 
 " I beg to assure you in the strongest terms that 
 you need not apprehend any " 
 
 " I know: but I read in one magazine where 
 16
 
 ?L>cUa 
 
 lots of people had acquired the drink and drug 
 habits through using such remedies, and " 
 
 " Impossible in this case. Why, you can see 
 for yourself that " 
 
 " Will you give me your word of honor that it 
 contains no alcohol? " 
 
 " I would swear it on a stack of Bibles," 
 answered the druggist. 
 
 " Then I'll take it." 
 
 And then the druggist wrapped up the porous 
 plaster for her. 
 
 A BUSY BOY 
 
 The diminutive office boy had worked hard 
 on a " salary " of three dollars a week. He was 
 a subdued little chap, faithful and quiet. Fi- 
 nally, however, he plucked up courage enough 
 to ask for an increase. A writer in the Kansas 
 City Star tells the tale. 
 
 " How much more would you like? " inquired 
 his employer. 
 
 " Well," answered the lad, " I don't think 
 that two dollars more a week would be too 
 much." 
 
 " You are a rather small boy to be earning 
 five dollars a week." 
 
 " I suppose I am," he replied. " I know I'm 
 17
 
 mm 
 
 small for my age, but to tell the truth, since 
 I've worked here I've been so busy I haven't 
 had time to grow." 
 He got the " raise." 
 
 THE CORK CAME OUT 
 
 An Aberdonian went to spend a few days 
 in London with his son, who had done excep- 
 tionally well in the great metropolis. After 
 their first greetings at King's Cross Station, 
 the young fellow remarked: " Feyther, you 
 are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the 
 matter? " The old man replied, " Aye, lad, I 
 have had quite an accident." " What was that, 
 feyther? " " Mon," he said, " on this journey 
 frae bonnie Scotland I lost my luggage." " Dear, 
 dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen? " 
 " Aweel," replied the Aberdonian, " the cork 
 cam' oot." 
 
 THE STING IN THE TAIL 
 
 " Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to 
 her husband, on his return one evening from 
 the office, " I have b-been d-dreadfully in- 
 sulted! " 
 
 " Insulted? " exclaimed Harry, love. " By 
 whom? " 
 
 18
 
 mm 
 
 " B-by your m-mother," answered the young 
 wife, bursting into tears. 
 
 " My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles 
 away! " 
 
 Flora dried her tears. 
 
 " I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she 
 said. " A letter came to you this morning, 
 addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, 
 I I opened it." 
 
 " Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly. 
 
 " It it was written to you all the way 
 through. Do you understand? " 
 
 " I understand. But where does the insult 
 to you come in? " 
 
 " It it came in the p-p-postscript," cried 
 the wife, bursting into fresh floods of briny. 
 " It s-said: * P-P-P. S. D-dear Flora, d-don't 
 f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want 
 him to have it. J " 
 
 HE LOST THE BET 
 
 An Irish waiter named Kenny was noted for 
 his wit and ready answers. A party of gentle- 
 men, who were staying at the hotel, heard of 
 Kenny's wit, and one of them made a bet that 
 he would say something that Kenny couldn't 
 answer at once. 
 
 19
 
 3K?tUo 
 
 A bottle of champagne was ordered. The 
 one who had made the bet took hold of the 
 bottle and commenced to open it. The cork 
 came out with a " bang " and flew hi Kenny's 
 mouth. 
 
 " Ah," he said, " that is not the way to 
 Cork! " 
 
 Kenny took the cork out of his mouth and 
 replied: " No; but it's the way to Kil-Kenny." 
 
 THEN THE LICKING CAME 
 
 " Johnny, I married your father because he 
 saved me from drowning." 
 
 " I'll bet that's why pop's always tellin' me 
 not to go swimmin'." 
 
 SHE KNEW THE PLACE 
 
 The elderly matron with the bundles, who was 
 journeying to a point in Wisconsin and occupied 
 a seat near the middle of the car, had fallen 
 asleep. On the seat in front of her sat a little 
 boy. The brakeman opened the door of the 
 car and called out the name of the station the 
 train was approaching. The elderly lady roused 
 herself with a jerk. 
 
 " Where are we, Bobby? " she asked. 
 
 20
 
 mm 
 
 " I don't know, grandma," answered the little 
 boy. 
 
 " Didn't the brakeman say something just 
 now? " 
 
 " No; he just stuck his head inside the door 
 and sneezed." 
 
 " Help me with these things, Bobby! " she 
 exclaimed hurriedly. " This is Oshkosh. It's 
 where we get off." 
 
 A QUITTER 
 
 " Young man," said the girl, " don't you do it. 
 If you kiss me you'll certainly rue it." 
 
 He stopped right away, 
 
 She thinks him a jay, 
 And he is that is all there is to it. 
 
 GOT IT BACK 
 
 At a dinner given by the prime minister of 
 a little kingdom on the Balkan Peninsula, a 
 distinguished diplomat complained to his host 
 that the minister of justice, who had been sitting 
 on his left, had stolen his watch. 
 
 " Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the 
 prime minister, in tones of annoyance. " I 
 will get it back for you." 
 21
 
 Wtlla mill 
 
 Sure enough, toward the end of the evening 
 the watch was returned to its owner. 
 
 " And what did he say? " asked the diplo- 
 mat. 
 
 " Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anx- 
 iously about him. " He doesn't know that I 
 have got it back." 
 
 EQUAL TO THE OCCASION 
 
 Tourist My physician advises me to locate 
 where I may have the benefit of the south wind. 
 Does it blow here? 
 
 Landlord My! but you're fortunate in 
 coming to just the right place! Why, the south 
 wind always blows here. 
 
 Tourist Always? Why, it seems to be 
 blowing from the north now. 
 
 Landlord Oh, it may be coming from that 
 direction, but it's the south wind. It's just 
 coming back, you know. 
 
 RIP VAN WINKLE 
 
 Rip Van Winkle returned from his long sleep 
 looking fresh as a daisy, and made his way to 
 the village barber shop, not only because he 
 needed a hair-cut and shave, but also because 
 he wished to catch up with the news. 
 22
 
 mill 
 
 " Let's see," said he to the barber, after he 
 was safely tucked in the chair. " I've been 
 asleep twenty years, haven't I? " 
 
 " Yep," replied the tonsorialist. 
 
 " Have I missed much? " 
 
 " Nope; we bin standin' pat." 
 
 " Has Congress done anything yet? " 
 
 " Not a thing." 
 
 " Jerome done anything? " 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 " Lorimer resigned? " 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 " Panama Canal built? " 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 " Bryan been elected? " 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 " Carnegie poor? " 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 " Well, say," said Rip, rising up in the chair, 
 " never mind shaving the other side of my 
 face. I'm going back to sleep again." 
 
 HER LAST MISTRESS 
 
 Mistress (to new servant) Why, Bridget, 
 this is the third time I've had to tell you about 
 the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last 
 worked for have them on the table? 
 
 23
 
 Bridget No, mum; her friends always 
 washed their hands before they came. 
 
 MODERN FINANCE 
 
 In condemning that sort of modern finance 
 that consists in getting something for nothing, 
 the late Bishop Potter said: " I once knew a 
 boy who would have made a splendid financier. 
 This boy, strolling idly through the streets 
 he never had anything to do met another. 
 
 " * I wish,' he said, ' I had a nickel. Then 
 I'd buy a good s-cent cigar and go into the woods 
 and have a smoke.' 
 
 " * I have a nickel,' said the other boy. 
 
 " * Have you? ' the first cried eagerly. ' Then 
 let's form a corporation.' 
 
 " ' All right. How is it done? ' 
 
 " * I'll be the president. You'll be the stock- 
 holder. The nickel will be the capital and we'll 
 invest it in tobacco.' 
 
 " The thing was agreed to and the president, 
 taking the stockholder's five cents, bought a 
 cigar forthwith. Then he led the way to the 
 woods. There he sat down on a log, lit up and 
 began to smoke skilfully. 
 
 " The stockholder waited for his turn to come. 
 He waited very patiently. But the cigar di- 
 24
 
 mm 
 
 minished. One-third of it, two-thirds of it 
 disappeared and still the president showed no 
 signs of satiety. 
 
 " ' Say! ' exclaimed the stockholder at last, 
 ' don't I get a whack here? * 
 
 " The president, knocking off the ashes, shook 
 his head. 
 
 " * I don't see it,' he said. 
 
 " * But what,' shouted the angry stockholder, 
 * do I get for my capital? ' 
 
 " * Well,' said the president, * you can spit.' " 
 
 AT HIS BEST 
 
 Years ago Mark Twain used to be fond of 
 telling this story: At the dinner-table one day 
 there was a party of guests, for whom Mark 
 was doing his best in the way of entertaining. 
 A lady turned to the daughter of the humorist, 
 then a little girl, and said: " Your father is a 
 very funny man." " Yes," responded the child, 
 " when we have company." 
 
 ALREADY INVENTED 
 
 " I see they've invented another automatic 
 machine that takes the place of a man," re- 
 marked Miss Peppery. " But they'll never 
 25
 
 mm 
 
 invent a machine that could take the place of 
 a woman." 
 
 " Oh, I don't know," replied Knox, " there's 
 the phonograph." 
 
 HE HAD SEEN BETTER DAYS 
 
 " Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how 
 heartily he was eating, " do I cook as well as 
 your mother did? " 
 
 Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at 
 her through it. 
 
 " Once for all, Agatha," he said, " I beg you 
 will remember that, although I may seem to 
 be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an 
 old and distinguished family. My mother was 
 not a cook." 
 
 INFORMATION NEEDED 
 
 A Baltimore teacher was trying to explain 
 the meaning of the word " recuperate." 
 " Charley," she said, " when night comes 
 your father returns home tired and worn out, 
 doesn't he? " 
 
 " Yes, ma'am," assented Charley. 
 
 " Then," continued the teacher, " it being 
 night, and he being tired, what does he do? " 
 26
 
 mm 
 
 " That's what ma wants to know," said 
 Charley. 
 
 THE WARY CANDIDATE 
 
 " Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance ad- 
 vocate to a candidate for municipal honors, 
 " I want to ask you a question. Do you ever 
 take alcoholic drinks? " 
 
 " Before I answer the question," responded 
 the wary candidate, " I want to know whether 
 it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation! " 
 
 PERHAPS 
 
 Two ladies, previously unacquainted, were 
 conversing at a reception. After a few conven- 
 tional remarks the younger exclaimed: " I can 
 not think what has upset that tall blond man 
 over there. He was so attentive a little while 
 ago, but he won't look at me now." " Perhaps," 
 said the other, " he saw me come in. He's my 
 husband! " 
 
 FORETHOUGHT 
 
 Irate Woman These photographs you made 
 of myself and husband are not at all satisfac- 
 tory and I refuse to accept them. 
 
 Photographer What's wrong with them? 
 
 27
 
 Irate Woman What's wrong! Why, my 
 husband looks like a baboon. 
 
 Photographer Well, that's no fault of mine, 
 madam. You should have thought of that 
 before you had him taken. 
 
 A WAIST OCCUPATION 
 
 Stubb What's the trouble, old chap? You 
 look angry enough to fight. 
 
 Penn Oh, I'm sizzling. It took me an 
 hour to button up my wife's waist in the back, 
 and then I told her a joke and she laughed so 
 much the buttons all flew open. What's the 
 use in telling a woman a joke, anyway? 
 
 WHICH TEACHES US WE SHOULD 
 BE EXPLICIT 
 
 A tramp appeared at Mrs. Newlywed's door. 
 
 " Can I have a bite to eat, M'm? " 
 
 " Certainly, you poor fellow," replied the 
 young wife. " I'll get you something at once. 
 Just sit down out here and I'll bring it." 
 
 Then she remembered the new pie she had 
 made that morning, and in her generosity she 
 decided to cut him the first slice. " Of course," 
 she reflected, " he'll have to chop some wood 
 afterwards." 
 
 28
 
 mm 
 
 She returned in a moment with the pie. 
 
 " God bless you, M'm," said the tramp. 
 
 " Don't mention it," returned the lady. 
 Then she added: " You'll find the axe in the 
 shed! " 
 
 The tramp looked up in surprise. Then he 
 looked at the pie. He was thinking of the 
 pie; she was thinking of the wood. 
 
 With startled cry the tramp took to his heels. 
 
 And Mrs. Newlywed wondered. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY 
 
 In the July World's Work, following Mr. 
 Rockefeller's " Reminiscences," begins the auto- 
 biography of Alexander . Irvine, who is now a 
 lay preacher in one of the New York churches. 
 Mr. Irvine is an Irish socialist; he was born in 
 a poor and ignorant family, enlisted in the army 
 to learn to work, was " converted " and went 
 about preaching his experience. Since coming 
 to this country he has won a reputation as a 
 stirring orator. 
 
 " I bounqed into the alley one Sunday morn- 
 ing," writes Mr. Irvine in his first chapter, 
 " whistling a Moody and Sankey hymn. 
 
 " ' Shut up ye'r mouth! ' said my father. 
 
 " * It's a hymn tune,' I replied. 
 29
 
 mm 
 
 * I don't care a damn! ' replied my father. 
 ' It's the Lord's day, and if I hear you whistlin' 
 in it, I'll whale the hell out o* ye! * 
 
 " That was his philosophy, and he lived it." 
 
 BARBERISM 
 
 A priest went to a barber shop conducted by 
 one of his Irish parishioners to get a shave. 
 He observed the barber was suffering from a re- 
 cent celebration, but decided to take a chance. 
 In a few moments the barber's razor had nicked 
 the father's cheek. " There, Pat, you have cut 
 me," said the priest as he raised his hand and 
 caressed the wound. " Yis, y'r riv'rance," an- 
 swered the barber. " That shows you," con- 
 tinued the priest, in a tone of censure, " what the 
 use of liquor will do." " Yis, y'r riv'rance," 
 replied the barber, humbly, " it makes the skin 
 tender." 
 
 THE WORM RETORTS 
 
 Mrs. Henpeck had dragged her worst half 
 to the art gallery and they were now viewing 
 a picture of a loving old couple kissing. " That 
 picture is called * Old Enough to Know Better,' 
 isn't it, my dear? " asked Henpeck, sarcastic- 
 ally. 
 
 30
 
 ?icuo mm 
 
 " Not on your miserable existence! " warmly 
 replied the lady, referring to her catalogue; 
 " the title of that beautiful work of art is * Age 
 Matters Not!'" 
 
 " The natural inference being that once a 
 fool, always a fool, eh? " cackled Henpeck. 
 
 A "SORT OF COUSIN" 
 
 The lawyer eyed the woman in the witness 
 box in patient despair. Then, on the authority 
 of a writer in the Detroit " News," he rallied 
 visibly. 
 
 " You say, madam," he began, " that the 
 defendant is a * sort of relation ' of yours. Will 
 you please explain what you mean by that 
 just how you are related to the defendant? " 
 
 " Well, it's like this," replied the witness, 
 beaming upon the court. " His first wife's 
 cousin and my second cousin's first wife's aunt 
 married brothers named Jones, and they were 
 cousins to my mother's aunt. Then, again, 
 his grandfather on his mother's side and my 
 grandfather on my mother's side were second 
 cousins, and his stepmother married my hus- 
 band's stepfather after his father and my mother 
 died, and his brother Joe and my husband's 
 brother Harry married twin sisters. I ain't 
 31
 
 UttlJ 
 
 ever figgered out just how close related we are, 
 but I've always looked on him as a sort of 
 cousin." 
 " Quite right," said the lawyer, feebly. 
 
 MAKING THE BEST OF IT 
 
 When the young husband reached home from 
 the office he found his wife in tears. 
 
 " Oh, John! " she sobbed on his shoulder. " I 
 had baked a lovely cake, and I put it out on 
 the back porch for the frosting to dry, and, and 
 the dog ate it! " 
 
 " Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he 
 consoled, patting the pretty, flushed cheek. 
 " I know a man who will give us another dog! " 
 
 PRECAUTION 
 
 A newly appointed Scotch minister on his 
 first Sunday of office had reason to complain 
 of the poorness of the collection. " Mon," re- 
 plied one of the elders, " they are close vera 
 close. But," confidentially, " the auld meenis- 
 ter he put three or four saxpense into the plate 
 hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he 
 took the saxpense awa' with him afterward." 
 The new minister tried the same plan, but the 
 32
 
 next Sunday he again had to report a dismal 
 failure. The total collection was not only 
 small, but he was grieved to find that his own 
 sixpences were missing. " Ye may be a better 
 preacher than the auld meenister," exclaimed 
 the elder, " but if ye had half the knowledge o' 
 the world, an' o' yer am flock in particular, 
 ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the sax- 
 penses to the plate." 
 
 NOT LOST, BUT GONE BEFORE 
 
 The canny old Scot possessed a fine collie 
 dog, and the American visitor was trying his 
 best to induce its owner to sell it to him. 
 
 " Wud ye be takin' him to America? " in- 
 quired the old shepherd. 
 
 " Wai, I guess so," said the Yankee. 
 
 " I thocht as moch. Weel, I canna part wi' 
 Jock." 
 
 Just then an English tourist come up, and 
 after some haggling the shepherd sold the collie 
 to the newcomer for much less than the Amer- 
 ican had offered. 
 
 The latter was much annoyed. 
 
 " You told me you wouldn't sell him, 
 stranger," said he, when the purchaser had 
 departed. 
 
 33
 
 mm 
 
 "Na, na," replied the Scot, "I said I 
 couldna part wi* him. Jock'll be baek in a 
 day or two, never fear. But he couldna swim 
 the Atlantic." 
 
 LUCKY HORSE 
 
 " Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, 
 " didn't you say that horse you bought has a 
 pedigree? " " Yes," was the complacent reply. 
 " Well, knowing how unlucky you are with 
 horses, I consulted a veterinary surgeon. You 
 needn't worry. The doctor says it won't hurt 
 him in the least." 
 
 HARD TO ARRANGE . 
 
 About a year ago a cook informed her Boston 
 mistress that she was apt to leave at any time, 
 as she was engaged to be married. The mistress 
 was genuinely sorry, as the woman is a good cook 
 and steady. Time passed, however, without 
 further word of leaving, though the happy man- 
 to-be was a frequent caller in the kitchen. The 
 other day the mistress was moved by curiosity 
 to ask: 
 
 " When are you to be married, Nora? " 
 " Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', 
 mum," was the sad reply. 
 34
 
 " Really? What is the trouble? " 
 
 " 'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when 
 
 he's drunk, and when he's sober he won't marry 
 
 me." 
 
 ANTICIPATION 
 
 A gentleman lying on his deathbed, was 
 questioned by his inconsolable prospective 
 widow. " Poor Mike," said she, " is there anny- 
 thin' that wud make ye comfortable? Anny- 
 thin' ye ask for I'll get for ye." 
 
 " Plase, Bridget," he responded, " I t'ink I'd 
 like a wee taste of the ham I smell a-boilin' 
 in the kitchen." 
 
 " Arrah, go on," responded Bridget. " Divil 
 a bit of that ham ye'll get. 'Tis for the wake." 
 
 YARNS 
 
 Baggs and Jaggs met, and Baggs and Jaggs 
 got yarning. 
 
 " I once knew a man, dear boy," began Baggs, 
 " who was so ticklish on the bottoms of his feet 
 that whenever he took a bath he had to walk 
 about afterwards on a blotter. It was the only 
 method of foot-drying that wouldn't throw 
 him into fits." 
 
 " That's nothing, my dear fellow," retorted 
 35
 
 Jaggs. " I used to board at a place where the 
 landlady was so nervous that whenever the 
 wind blew she had to go out and grease the 
 corners of the house, so that the wind wouldn't 
 creak when it went round them." 
 
 WHY? 
 
 Pat and Mike enlisted in the British army. 
 After their first drill the captain, thinking the 
 circumstances opportune for a little lecture on 
 patriotism, demanded, eloquently: " Soldiers, 
 why should a man die for his king and country? " 
 This struck Pat as a proper question. Turning 
 to Mike, he said: " Faith, Moike, the captain 
 is roight! Whoi? " 
 
 PAY IN ADVANCE 
 
 The young man from the country took his 
 green necktie and his best girl into a restaurant, 
 and, like some other young men, he was dis- 
 posed to be facetious at the waiter's expense. 
 
 " Waiter," he said, " I want you to bring me 
 a grilled crocodile." 
 
 " Yessir," replied the waiter, perfectly un- 
 moved. 
 
 " And, waiter, bring it with butter." 
 36
 
 mm 
 
 " Yessir." 
 
 Then he stood there like a statue for a minute. 
 
 " Well," said the young man, " aren't you 
 going to bring it? " 
 
 " Yessir." 
 
 " Why don't you, then? " 
 
 " Orders is, sir, that we get pay in advance 
 for crocodiles, sir. Crocodiles with butter, sir, 
 are fifteen hundred dollars and fifty cents. If 
 you take it without butter, sir, it is only fifteen 
 hundred dollars, sir." 
 
 The waiter did not smile, but the girl did, and 
 the young man climbed down. 
 
 A BRIGHT BOY 
 
 " Now, Tommy," said the teacher, " you 
 may give me an example of a coincidence." 
 
 " Why, er," said Tommy, with some hesita- 
 tion " why, er, why me f adder and me 
 mudder was both married on de same day." 
 
 SUSPICION 
 
 Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' 
 Club said: "Speaking of fresh eggs, I am re- 
 minded of the town of Squash. In my early 
 lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture hi 
 37
 
 mm 
 
 Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. 
 The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought 
 I'd find out if the people knew anything at all 
 about what was in store for them. So I turned 
 in at the general store. ' Good afternoon, 
 friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. ' Any 
 entertainment here tonight to help a stranger 
 while away his evening? ' The general store- 
 keeper, who was sorting mackerel, straightened 
 up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and 
 said: ' I expect there's goin' to be a lecture. 
 I been sellin' eggs all day.' " 
 
 MISJUDGED 
 
 " Did you write this report on my lecture, 
 'The Curse of Whiskey'?" 
 
 " Yes, madam." 
 
 " Then kindly explain what you mean by 
 saying, ' The lecturer was evidently full of her 
 subject! ' " 
 
 HE WENT 
 
 Charles F. Adams has told how a book can- 
 vasser called on Dr. Holmes to persuade him 
 to subscribe for the Century Dictionary. " No," 
 said the doctor, " I'm too old eighty years 
 I sha'n't live to see the Century finished." 
 38
 
 ?i?cuo mm 
 
 " Nay, doctor," persisted the agent, " you 
 won't have to live so very much longer to use 
 our book; we've already got to G." " And 
 you may go to - 1, if you like! " exclaimed 
 the doctor, and the agent went. 
 
 BOSTON MODESTY 
 
 A Boston girl the other day said to a Southern 
 friend who was visiting her, as two men rose hi 
 a car to give them seats: " Oh, I wish they would 
 not do it." " Why not? I think it is very nice 
 of them," said her friend, settling herself com- 
 fortably. " Yes, but one can't thank them, you 
 know, and it is so awkward." " Can't thank 
 them! Why not? " " Why, you would not 
 speak to a strange man, would you? " said the 
 Boston maiden, to the astonishment of her 
 Southern friend. 
 
 FUNNY INSURANCE BLUNDERS 
 
 The ways in which application forms for insur- 
 ance are filled up are often more amusing than 
 enlightening, as The British Medical Journal 
 shows in the following excellent selection of 
 examples: 
 
 Mother died in infancy. 
 39
 
 mm 
 
 Father went to bed feeling well, and the next 
 morning woke up dead. 
 
 Grandfather died suddenly at the age of 103. 
 Up to this time he bade fair to reach a ripe old 
 age. 
 
 Applicant does not know anything about 
 maternal posterity, except that they died at 
 an advanced age. 
 
 Applicant does not know cause of mother's 
 death, but states that she fully recovered from 
 her last illness. 
 
 Applicant has never been fatally sick. 
 
 Father died suddenly; nothing serious. 
 
 Applicant's brother, who was an infant, died 
 when he was a mere child. 
 
 Grandfather died from gunshot wound, caused 
 by an arrow shot by an Indian. 
 
 Mother's last illness was caused from chronic 
 rheumatism, but she was cured before death. 
 
 MET HIS MATCH 
 
 Rev. Dr. Ritchie of Edinburgh, though a very 
 clever man, once met his match. When examin- 
 ing a student as to the classes he attended, he 
 said: " I understand you attend the class for 
 mathematics? " " Yes." " How many sides 
 has a circle? " " Two," said the student. 
 40
 
 " Indeed! What are they? " What a laugh 
 in the court the student's answer produced 
 when he promptly said: " An inside and an 
 outside." The doctor next inquired: " And you 
 attend the moral philosophy class, also?" 
 " Yes." " Well, you doubtless heard lectures 
 on various subjects. Did you ever hear one on 
 cause and effect? " " Yes." " Does an effect 
 ever go before a cause? " " Yes." " Give me 
 an instance." " A barrow wheeled by a man." 
 The doctor hastily sat down, and proposed no 
 more questions. 
 
 LITTLE DUE 
 
 Grade Oh, Mr. Nocoyne, how lovely of 
 you to bring me these beautiful roses! How 
 sweet they are, and how fresh! I do believe 
 there is a little dew on them yet! 
 
 Nocoyne W-well, yes, there is; but I'll 
 pay it tomorrow. 
 
 NOT BECOMING TO HIM 
 
 Mr. X was a prominent member of the 
 B. P. O. E. At the breakfast table the other 
 morning he was relating to his wife an incident 
 that occurred at the lodge the previous night. 
 The president of the order offered a silk hat to 
 41
 
 the brother who could stand up and truthfully 
 say that during his married life he had never 
 kissed any woman but his own wife. " And, 
 would you believe it, Mary? not a one stood 
 up." " George," his wife said, " why didn't 
 you stand up? " " Well," he replied, " I was 
 going to, but I knew I looked like hell in a silk 
 hat." 
 
 DIDN'T EXPECT TOO MUCH 
 
 Mrs. Housen Hohm What is your name? 
 
 Applicant for Cookship Miss Arlington. 
 
 Mrs. Housen Hohm Do you expect to be 
 called Miss Arlington? 
 
 Applicant No, ma'am; not if you have an 
 alarm clock in my room. 
 
 IT CAN'T BE SUPPRESSED 
 
 An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to 
 allow no one to smoke near his post. An officer 
 with a lighted cigar approached, whereupon 
 Pat boldly challenged him and ordered him to 
 put it out at once. 
 
 The officer with a gesture of disgust threw 
 away his cigar, but no sooner was his back 
 turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired 
 to the sentry box. 
 
 42
 
 mm 
 
 The officer, happening to look around, ob- 
 served a beautiful cloud of smoke issuing from 
 the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking 
 on duty. 
 
 " Smoking, is it, son? Bedad, and I'm only 
 keeping it lit to show to the corporal when he 
 comes as evidence agin you." 
 
 DANGEROUS! 
 
 Pat I hear your woife is sick, Moike. 
 Mike She is thot. 
 Pat Is it dangerous she is? 
 Mike Divil a bit. She's too weak to be 
 dangerous any more! 
 
 NOT TOO PRECIPITATE 
 
 The " colored lady " who entered my service 
 as cook gave her name as Juletta Price, but 
 constantly referred to her husband as George 
 Ledbetter. " How does it happen, Juletta," 
 I asked her one day, " that you go by the name 
 of Price while your husband's name is Led- 
 better? " 
 
 " Well, you see, Mrs. Lawrence," she replied 
 cheerfully, " it's this-a way. I had n' been 
 acquainted with George but fo' days when I 
 43
 
 mm 
 
 married him, an' I did n' know how I was gonter 
 lak him nor how he was gonter lak me. Now 
 these divorcements betwix' married folks is a 
 heap er trouble an' a heap er expense, too; 
 an' I 'lowed the safest way fer us to do wus fer 
 George to keep his maiden name an' to keep 
 mine tell we see how our new experiment was 
 gonter turn out." 
 
 IN MEMORIAM 
 
 " I suppose you carry a memento of some sort 
 in that locket of yours? " 
 
 " Yes; it is a lock of my husband's hair." 
 " But your husband is still alive? " 
 " Yes, but his hair is all gone." 
 
 TOO SMART A BOY 
 
 Traveler Say, boy, your corn looks kind of 
 yellow. 
 
 Boy Yes, sir. That's the kind we 
 planted. 
 
 Traveler Looks as though you will only 
 have a hah* crop. 
 
 Boy Don't expect any more. The land- 
 lord gets the other half. 
 
 Traveler after a minute's thought Say, 
 44
 
 there is not much difference between you and a 
 fool. 
 
 Boy No, sir. Only the fence. 
 
 ON THE PHONE 
 
 " Hello, hello, who is this, please? " the man 
 at the phone impatiently hurled at the mouth- 
 piece. 
 
 " This is Whom did you want? " came 
 back a feminine voice. 
 
 " I called for number -. Confound it; I've 
 forgotten the number now. Who is this, any- 
 way? " 
 
 " Sir, I think you might be a little more polite 
 in your manner toward a lady. You've doubtless 
 got the wrong number." 
 
 " How can I tell whether I've got the right 
 or wrong number if you won't tell me who you 
 are? Some women make me tired! " 
 
 " You're a gentleman! " 
 
 " You're a lady! " 
 
 " You're positively insulting. I 
 
 " Back up! Who are you, anyway? " 
 
 " Sir, I'll tell you who I am. I'm the wife 
 of the biggest stockholder hi this telephone 
 company. I am Mrs. George Banks, that's who 
 I am, sir! " 
 
 45
 
 mill 
 
 " Great Scott, Mary! I've been trying to 
 get you. This is George, your husband! " 
 
 THE CLERK SCORED 
 
 There is a proprietor of a shop who is for ever 
 scolding his employees for their indifference in 
 the matter of possible sales. One day, hearing 
 an assistant say to a customer: " No, we have 
 not had any for a long time," the proprietor, 
 unable to countenance such an admission, began 
 to work himself into the usual rage. Fixing 
 a glassy eye on his clerk, he said to the customer: 
 
 " We have plenty in reserve, ma'am plenty 
 downstairs! " 
 
 Whereupon the customer looked dazed; and 
 then, to the amazement of the proprietor, burst 
 into hysterical laughter and quitted the shop. 
 
 " What did she say to you? " demanded the 
 proprietor of the clerk. 
 
 " We haven't had any rain lately." 
 
 MAKING CERTAIN 
 
 Officers have a right to ask questions in the 
 performance of their duty, but there are occa- 
 sions when it seems as if they might curtail or 
 forego the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman 
 
 46
 
 mm 
 
 whose hand had been badly mangled in an ac- 
 cident entered the Boston City Hospital relief 
 station in a great hurry. He stepped up to the 
 man in charge and inquired: 
 
 " Is this the relief station, sor? " 
 
 " Yes. What is your name? " 
 
 "Patrick O'Connor, sor." 
 
 " Are you married? " questioned the officer. 
 
 " Yis, sor, but is this the relief station? " He 
 was nursing his hand in agony. 
 
 " Of course it is. How many children have 
 you? " 
 
 " Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief sta- 
 tion? " 
 
 " Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry 
 at the man's persistence. 
 
 " Well," said Patrick, " sure, an' I was be- 
 ginning to think that it might be the pumping 
 station! " 
 
 PRETTY DEEP 
 
 A Yankee just returning to the States was 
 dining with an Englishman, and the latter com- 
 plained of the mud in America. 
 
 " Yes," said the American, " but it's nothing 
 to the mud over here." 
 
 " Nonsense! " said the Englishman. 
 47
 
 mill 
 
 " Fact," the American replied. " Why, this 
 afternoon I had a remarkable adventure - 
 came near getting into trouble with an old 
 gentleman all through your confounded mud." 
 
 " Some of the streets are a little greasy at 
 this season, I admit," said the Englishman. 
 " What was your adventure, though? " 
 
 " Well," said the American, " as I was walk- 
 ing along I noticed that the mud was very thick, 
 and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large 
 puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some 
 one a kindness, I gave the hat a poke with my 
 stick, when an old gentleman looked up from 
 beneath, surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I 
 said. * You're in pretty deep! ' * Deeper than 
 you think,' he said. * I'm on the top of an 
 omnibus! ' " 
 
 THE WISE YOUNG MAN 
 
 " Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, 
 " I am proud of my girls, and would like to see 
 them comfortably married, and as I have made 
 a little money they will not go penniless to their 
 husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years 
 old, and a really good girl. I shall give 'her 
 $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who 
 won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her 
 48
 
 $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is 
 forty, will have $5,000 with her." 
 
 The young man reflected for a moment and 
 then inquired: " You haven't one about fifty, 
 have you? " 
 
 WOMAN AT THE TELEPHONE 
 
 " Hello, hello! " shouted the fireman on the 
 engine house end of the telephone, in answer 
 to a long ring. 
 
 " Hello! " came back in feminine tones. 
 " Is this the fire station? " 
 
 " Yes; what is it? " 
 
 " Well, I want to inform you that my yard 
 runs right up to the walk that runs along the 
 side of the Cummingses' walk next door " 
 
 " I guess you've got the wrong number, 
 ma'am." 
 
 " You said this was the fire station, didn't 
 you? " 
 
 " Yes; but " 
 
 " Well, I want to say that I'm trying very 
 hard to raise a respectable yardful of grass and 
 have lately planted grass seed as far as the Cum- 
 mingses' walk. Then, besides the grass seed, 
 I had it all tidied up and made ready for plant- 
 ing bulbs, and " 
 
 49
 
 mill 
 
 " I say, ma'am, you are mistaken in the tele- 
 phone number. This " 
 
 " Isn't this the fire station? " 
 
 " It is; but " 
 
 " Very well. Now, I want to say further that 
 however careless our neighbors, the Cummingses, 
 are with their garden, we are very, very much 
 the other way. In fact, a pretty lawn, adorned 
 with a variety of flowers, is what I and my 
 husband are looking for next season, and we 
 want our yard to appear as well clear up to 
 the Cummingses' sidewalk as it is possible to 
 have it. Why, I wouldn't any more allow a 
 person to step on my grass seed or " 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, ma'am, what has this 
 to do with the fire station? " 
 
 "Oh, well, I want to inform you that our 
 house is No. 200 School Street, and that the 
 Cummingses' house next door is afire. Now, 
 don't let your firemen trample 
 
 But the fireman had dropped the receiver. 
 
 REAL ERUDITION 
 
 The new minister in a Georgia church was 
 delivering his first sermon. The darky janitor 
 was a critical listener from a back corner of the 
 50
 
 church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, 
 and his prayers seemed to cover the whole cate- 
 gory of human wants. 
 
 After the services one of the deacons asked 
 the old darky what he thought of the new minis- 
 ter. " Don't you think he offers up a good 
 prayer, Joe? " 
 
 " Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat 
 man axed de good Lord fo' things dat de odder 
 preacher didn't even know He had! " 
 
 SO SWEET OF HIM 
 
 " Hullo, old man! " exclaimed Dubley, at 
 the Literary Circle reception. " It's a pleasant 
 surprise to meet you here." 
 
 " Good of you to say so, old chap," replied 
 Brown. 
 
 " Yes, you see, I was afraid I wouldn't find 
 anybody but bright and cultured people here." 
 
 SHE GOT THE MONEY 
 
 The young wife of a Kaslo, B. C., man, who 
 is not especially sweet-tempered, one day 
 approached her lord concerning the matter of 
 one hundred dollars or so. 
 
 " I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began 
 51
 
 mill 
 
 the husband, " but the fact is I haven't that 
 amount in the bank this morning that is to 
 say, I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch 
 as I must take up a note for two hundred dollars 
 this afternoon." 
 
 " Oh, very well, James! " said the wife, with 
 an ominous calmness, " if you think the man 
 who holds the note can make things any hotter 
 for you than I can why, do as you say, 
 James! " 
 
 AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE 
 
 Mr. Meenchus (tossing restlessly on his sick 
 bed) My dear, it's the doctor I'm thinking 
 of. What a bill this will be! 
 
 Mrs. Meenchus Never mind, Joseph. You 
 know there's the insurance money! 
 
 FOOD FOR BABES 
 
 In the soft twilight of the sultry summer 
 day mother came upon Young Hopeful standing 
 in a brown study by the greenhouse door. His 
 hands were clasped before him, his lips dejectedly 
 parted. 
 
 " Why, what's the matter, lamb? " asked 
 mother, bending over him. 
 52
 
 " I'm finldn^ muvver." 
 " What about, little man? " 
 " Have gooseberries any legs, muvver? " 
 " Why, no, of course not, dearie! " 
 A deeper shade fell athwart Young Hopeful's 
 face as he raised his eyes to hers. 
 
 " Then, muvver, I fink I've swallered a cater- 
 pillar! " 
 
 FIRST HAND EVIDENCE 
 
 Gentleman (to cigar dealer) Have you any 
 so-and-so brand in stock? How are they? 
 
 Dealer First-class, sir. This last lot is an 
 extremely fine one. 
 
 Gentleman (departing) Thanks. You wrote 
 that they were very poor, but I am pleased to 
 find you were mistaken. I am the manu- 
 facturer. Good-day. 
 
 A DELICATE HINT 
 
 Sandy and his lass had been sitting together 
 about half an hour in silence. 
 
 " Maggie," he said, at length, " wasna I here 
 on the Sawbath nicht? " 
 
 " Aye, Sandy, I daur say you were." 
 
 " An' wasna I here on Monday nicht? " 
 
 " Aye, so ye were." 
 53
 
 " An' I was here on Tuesday nicht, an* 
 Wednesday nicht, an' Thursday nicht, an' 
 Friday nicht? " 
 
 " Aye, I'm thinkin' that's so." 
 
 " An' this is Saturday nicht, an' I'm here 
 again? " 
 
 " Weel, what for, no? I'm sure ye're very 
 welcome." 
 
 Sandy (desperately): " Maggie, woman! D'e 
 no begin to smell a rat? " 
 
 NO ESCAPE FOR HIM 
 
 " How dare you come on parade," exclaimed 
 an Irish sergeant to a recruit, " before a respict- 
 ible man loike mesilf smothered from head to 
 foot in graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now 
 answer me when I spake to yez! " 
 
 The recruit was about to excuse himself for 
 his condition when the sergeant stopped him. 
 
 " Dare yez to answer me when I puts a ques- 
 tion to yez? " he cried. " Hould yer lyin' 
 tongue, and open yer face at yer peril! Tell me 
 now, what have ye been doin' wid yer uniform 
 an' arms an' bilts? Not a word, or I'll clap yez 
 in the guard-room. When I axes yez anything 
 an* yez spakes I'll have yez tried for insolence 
 54
 
 van 
 
 to yer superior officer, but if yez don't answer 
 when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished 
 for disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have 
 yez both ways! " 
 
 WRONG DOCTOR 
 
 A short time ago a young lady was troubled 
 with a boil on her knee which grew so bad that 
 she thought it necessary to call in a physician. 
 She had formed a dislike for the family physician, 
 so her father suggested several others, and 
 finally said that he would call in the physician 
 with the homoeopathic case, who passed the 
 house every day. They kept a sharp lookout 
 for him, and when he came along he was called 
 in. The young lady modestly showed him the 
 disabled member. The little man looked at it 
 and said: " Why, that's pretty bad." " Well," 
 she said, " what must I do? " " If I were you," 
 he answered, " I would send for a physician. 
 I am a piano-tuner." 
 
 FRUITLESS 
 
 Little Mollie had hastily undressed, and 
 jumped into bed without saying her prayers. 
 " Why, dearest! " said her nurse, " aren't you 
 55
 
 going to say your prayers to-night, especially 
 when you have had a new baby brother brought 
 to the house to-day? " 
 
 " No, I ain't," said Mollie. " And that baby 
 brother's just the trouble." 
 
 ." But why? " asked the nurse. " Don't you 
 like your baby brother? " 
 
 " What's the use? " queried the little girl. 
 " I've been prayin' for a little sister every night 
 for six months, and Bobbie, he only began 
 askin' for a little brother yesterday, and he got 
 his right off." 
 
 THE SUFFRAGETTE IN BUSINESS 
 
 The theater express was crowded and those 
 nearby heard her say to her husband: " I am 
 just simply disgusted with my banking house; 
 really, they are the limit." 
 
 " What is the trouble, honey; what have they 
 done? " 
 
 " Why, that impertinent cashier sent me a 
 formal note to-day, to say that I had over- 
 drawn my account for $25." 
 
 " Well, that's just a business form; it's cus- 
 tomary." 
 
 " Yes, but it's not customary to do it twice, 
 is it?" 
 
 56
 
 mm 
 
 " That depends. If you don't pay promptly 
 they do." 
 
 " Yes, but I did pay them," and she was very 
 positive in her indignation, " and that silly 
 cashier knew it, too, for I sent him my check for 
 the amount yesterday." 
 
 NOT OPEN TO EVERYBODY 
 
 " A most peculiar effect was produced by an 
 announcement in the advertisements of a county 
 fair to be held in my State," says Congressman 
 Champ Clark. " Among other things, the an- 
 nouncement said that ' attractive features of 
 this great Fair will be highly amusing donkey- 
 races and pig-races.' Then, to the amazement 
 of the judicious, this note was added: * Compe- 
 tition hi these two contests will be open to citi- 
 zens of the county only! ' " 
 
 NOT QUITE TACTFUL 
 
 Widow (tearfully) John was such a hand 
 to worry when things didn't go right. He sun ply 
 wore himself out doing it. Why, the very last 
 day he lived he was fretting because the price 
 of coal had gone up fifty cents a ton. 
 
 Friend (trying to say something consoling) 
 57
 
 mill 
 
 It is too bad too bad, madam! But your 
 husband is over all his troubles at last. He 
 won't have to worry over the price of coal where 
 he is now. 
 
 TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING 
 
 Little Johnnie, who had been praying for 
 some months for God to send him a baby 
 brother, finally became discouraged. " I don't 
 believe God has any more little boys to send," 
 he told his mother, " and I'm going to stop it." 
 
 Early one morning not long after this he was 
 taken into his mother's room to see twin boys, 
 who had arrived in the night. Johnnie regarded 
 them thoughtfully for some minutes. " Golly," 
 he remarked, finally, " it's a good thing I stopped 
 praying when I did." 
 
 HIS METHOD 
 
 A lawyer once asked a man who had at vari- 
 ous times sat on several juries: " Who influenced 
 you most, the lawyers, the witnesses, or the 
 judge? " 
 
 He expected to get some useful and interest- 
 ing information from so experienced a juryman. 
 This was the man's reply: 
 58
 
 " I'll tell yer, sir, 'ow I makes up my mind. 
 I'm a plain man and a reasonin' man, and I 
 ain't influenced by anything the lawyers say, 
 nor by what the witnesses say; no, nor by what 
 the judge says. I just looks at the man in the 
 dock, and I says: ' If he ain't done nothing, 
 why's he there? ' and I brings 'em all in guilty." 
 
 MODEL HUSBAND 
 
 A certain Atlanta man came down to his 
 office, grinning all over his face. All morning 
 long he hummed and whistled, till his partner 
 asked him what he'd had. 
 
 "My wife told me this morning that I was a 
 model husband." 
 
 " I don't call that much of a compliment," 
 said the other. " You just look that word up 
 in the dictionary," was the advice. 
 
 He went to the dictionary and this is what it 
 read, "Model a small pattern; a miniature 
 of something on a larger scale." 
 
 CULINARY NOTE 
 
 " Ma wants two pounds of butter exactly 
 like what you sent us last. If it ain't exactly 
 like that she won't take it," said the small boy. 
 59
 
 ?i?ruo mm 
 
 The grocer turned to his numerous customers 
 and remarked blandly: 
 
 " Some people in. my business don't like par- 
 ticular customers, but I do. It's my delight to 
 serve them and get them what they want. I 
 will attend to you in a moment, little boy." 
 
 " Be sure to get the same kind," said the 
 boy. " A lot of pa's relations is visiting at our 
 house, and ma doesn't want 'em to come again." 
 
 BUSY PAPA 
 
 " Mamma," asked little three-year-old Fred- 
 die, " are we going to heaven some day? " 
 " Yes, dear, I hope so," was the reply. " I wish 
 papa could go, too," continued the little fellow. 
 " Well, and don't you think he will? " asked his 
 mother. " Oh no," replied Freddie, " he could 
 not leave his business." 
 
 ELIZABETH AGAIN 
 
 Local Elks are having a lot of fun with a 
 member of their lodge, a Fifteenth Street jeweler. 
 The other day his wife was in the jewelry store 
 when the 'phone rang. She answered it. 
 
 " I want to speak to Mr. H ," said a 
 
 woman's voice. 
 
 60
 
 mm 
 
 " Who is this? " demanded the jeweler's wife. 
 
 " Elizabeth." 
 
 " Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, 
 madam, what do you want? " 
 
 " I want to speak to Mr. H ." 
 
 " You'll talk to me." 
 
 " Please let me speak to Mr. H ." 
 
 The jeweler's wife grew angry. " Look here, 
 young lady," she said, " who are you that calls 
 my husband and insists on talking to him? " 
 
 " I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth," 
 came the reply. 
 
 And now the Elks take turns calling the 
 jeweler up and telling him it's Elizabeth. 
 
 LIGHT OF LIFE 
 
 Mrs. Newwed John, am I still the light of 
 your life? 
 
 Mr. Newwed Quit your kidding. I just 
 paid a nine-dollar gas bill this morning. 
 
 GEMS 
 
 A teacher in one of the Topeka schools read 
 at a recent teachers' meeting from a collection 
 of quaint examination answers that she had been 
 gathering for some years. 
 61
 
 mm 
 
 The gems of the collection were: 
 
 " A blizzard is the inside of a hen." 
 
 " The equator is a menagerie lion running 
 
 round the earth." 
 
 " Oxygen is a thing that has eight sides." 
 
 " The cuckoo never lays its own eggs." 
 
 " A mosquito is a child of black and white 
 
 parents." 
 
 A TANNER 
 
 Stranger Isn't your father a lawyer? 
 Small Boy Most of the time; but when I 
 misbehave he's a tanner. 
 
 THE MEDDLESOME LAW 
 
 A little man slunk out of a house on the 
 avenue, glanced up apprehensively at its front 
 windows, then darted down the street. Before 
 he had traversed twenty steps, however, he 
 found himself in the clutches of a huge police- 
 man. 
 
 " Let me go, officer! " he pleaded, as the grim 
 custodian of the law held him fast. 
 
 " Not much, I won't. What're you acting so 
 suspiciously around here for, eh? " 
 
 " I live in that house there," was the discom- 
 fited man's explanation. " Don't hold; let 
 me go, I say! " 
 
 62
 
 mm 
 
 "Oh, you live there, do you? Come, that's 
 too thin. You just walk back to that house 
 with me and prove it! " 
 
 "But my wife is getting ready to spend the 
 day out; you'll get me hi a fix, officer! " 
 
 " That's what I'm paid for Step lively, 
 now, and we'll see what your game is! " 
 
 So back they went, the officer tightly clutch- 
 ing his protesting charge. When the front 
 door of the house hi point was reached an upper 
 window flew up and a woman's head popped out. 
 
 " Oh, was he trying to sneak off, Mister 
 Policeman? " she sweetly asked. 
 
 " He was, ma'am. He says he lives here! " 
 
 " He does, officer, thank you, he's my hus- 
 band." 
 
 The policeman stared. 
 
 " But bring him hi," she continued. " I want 
 him to button the back of my dress before he 
 goes down to his office." 
 
 THE BRUTE 
 
 She was in an imaginative mood. 
 
 " Henry, dear," she said after talking two 
 hours without a recess, " I sometimes wish 
 I were a mermaid." 
 
 63
 
 mm 
 
 " It would be fatal," snapped her weary 
 hubby. 
 
 " Fatal! In what way? " 
 
 " Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed 
 long enough to keep from drowning." 
 
 And after that, Henry did not get any supper. 
 
 HAIR PICKING 
 
 He Have you noticed that long hair makes 
 a man look intellectual? 
 
 She Well, I've seen wives pick them off 
 their husband's coats when it made them look 
 foolish. 
 
 SOME PLUCK ABOUT HIM 
 
 The old gentleman, in his heart, did not object 
 to the young man as a son-in-law, but he was 
 one of that kind of gentlemen who like to raise 
 objections first, and then reach an agreement 
 as though conferring a favor. When the young 
 man called he was ready for him. 
 
 " So," he interrupted, fiercely, almost before 
 the suitor could commence, " you want me to 
 let you marry my daughter, do you? " 
 
 The young man very coolty responded: 
 
 " I didn't say so, did I? " 
 64
 
 The old gentleman gasped. 
 
 " But you were going to say so! " 
 
 " Who told you I was? " inquired the appli- 
 cant, seeing his advantage. 
 
 " But you want me to let you marry her, 
 don't you?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " No! " exclaimed the old gentleman, almost 
 falling off his chair. 
 
 " That's what I said." 
 
 " Then what the mischief do you want? " 
 
 " I want you to give your consent," replied 
 the youth, pleasantly. " I am going to marry 
 her, anyhow, but we thought your consent 
 wouldn't be a bad thing to have as a start." 
 
 It took the old gentleman a minute to realize 
 the situation. When he did he put out his 
 hand. 
 
 " Shake hands, my boy," said he. " I've been 
 looking for a son-in-law with some pluck about 
 him, and I'm sure you'll do first-class." 
 
 S. P. G. 
 
 Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home 
 
 for the holidays, and at his father's request 
 
 produced his account book, duly kept at school. 
 
 Among the items " S. P. G." figured largelv- 
 
 65
 
 33 til! 
 
 and frequently. " Darling boy," fondly ex- 
 claimed his doting mamma: " see how good he 
 is always giving to the missionaries." But 
 Tommy's sister knew him better than even his 
 mother did, and took the first opportunity of 
 privately inquiring what those mystic letters 
 stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately 
 to find that they represented, not the venerable 
 Society for the Propagation of the Gospel, but 
 "Sundries, Probably Grub." 
 
 AN UNDERSTANDING 
 
 Hub (during a quarrel) You talk like an 
 idiot. 
 
 Wife I've got to talk so you can under- 
 stand me. 
 
 THE MOMENT OF HIS LIFE 
 
 She cuddled close up to him, for it was only 
 the seventh anniversary of their marriage. 
 
 " Archie, dearest," she whispered, " what 
 was the happiest moment of your life? " 
 
 " Ah," he replied, " how well I remember 
 it! I can never forget not even if I rival 
 Methuselah in age! It will always stand out as 
 plainly as it does to-night! " 
 66
 
 mil! 
 
 She sighed and nestled closer. 
 
 " And when was it, Archie, love? " she 
 pressed. 
 
 " Have you not guessed? " he answered. " It 
 was when you came to me last month and told 
 me your mother would not be able to spend 
 her usual four months' holiday with us this 
 year! " 
 
 And they lived unhappily ever after. 
 
 SOMETHING FANCY 
 
 Waiter Table d'hote, sir? 
 
 Uncle Cy What's a tabledote? 
 
 Waiter Course dinner, sir. 
 
 Uncle Cy Nit fur me. I git all the coarse 
 grub I need to home, and when I git to town 
 I want somethin' a bit fancy. 
 
 HIS CURIOUS INDIFFERENCE 
 
 She looked magnificent as she stood before 
 him. 
 
 " Don't I look pretty to-night? " she asked 
 expectantly. 
 
 " Splendid," he replied, but without enthu- 
 siasm. 
 
 " You're so cold," she protested. " Other 
 67
 
 men pay me homage though I seek it not. But 
 you why is it you never seem to to care? " 
 " Perhaps," he said, " it is best that I should 
 tell you. The fact is, I worked for several years 
 in a drug store." 
 
 NEAR HOME 
 
 Emily It is delightful to feel that one is 
 so near home. We ought to sight Sandy Hook 
 this afternoon. 
 
 Dora Shall we? How delightful! Don't 
 tell me which he is. I can always pick out a 
 Scotchman out of a hundred. 
 
 NOT PROPER 
 
 A love-smitten youth who was studying the 
 approved method of proposal asked one of his 
 bachelor friends if he thought that a young man 
 should propose to a girl on his knees. 
 
 " If he doesn't," replied his friend, " the girl 
 should get off." 
 
 DEFINITIONS 
 
 Inquiring Son Papa, what is reason? 
 Fond Parent Reason, my boy, is that 
 which enables a man to determine what is right. 
 
 68
 
 And what is instinct? 
 
 Instinct is that which tells a woman she is 
 right, whether she is or not. 
 
 A "FLOORIST" 
 
 " How did you contrive to cultivate such a 
 beautiful black eye? " asked Brown. 
 
 " Oh! " replied Fogg, who had been practising 
 upon roller skates, " I raised it from a slip." 
 
 THE SMALLEST 
 
 A conductor on the Hammersmith to Hamp- 
 ton Court tram car had a good run of business 
 on Sunday afternoon, but he had difficulty in 
 keeping himself supplied with small change. 
 Many persons who patronized his car handed 
 him sovereigns and half-sovereigns in payment 
 of their fares. 
 
 The conductor managed to get along fairly 
 well until a woman, carrying a tiny infant, 
 boarded his car. 
 
 When he approached the woman for her fare 
 she handed him a sovereign. 
 
 " Is that the smallest you have, madam? " 
 queried the conductor, fearing another run 
 upon his change. 
 
 69
 
 mm 
 
 The woman looked at the conductor and 
 then at the baby, and made this surprising 
 reply: 
 
 " Yes. I have been married only twelve 
 months." 
 
 A GOOD SHOT 
 
 Two " jags " were ambling homeward at an 
 early hour, after being out nearly all night. 
 " Don't your wife miss you on these occasions? " 
 asked one. " Not often," replied the other; 
 " she throws pretty straight." 
 
 IT WASN'T 
 
 De Kitt Your lecture on the appendix was 
 immense. I didn't think it was in you. 
 
 De Witt It isn't. I had it cut out last year. 
 
 A THOUGHTFUL GIFT 
 
 Tom went out to buy a pair of gloves for his 
 sweetheart's Christmas present and to make 
 a purchase for his father. Of course, he got 
 things mixed, as they always do in stories, and 
 the young lady received a pah- of heavy woolen 
 men's socks with the following note: 
 
 " Dear Helen: Please accept these in con- 
 70
 
 mm 
 
 sideration of my love for you. Oh, that I were 
 to be the only one to see them when you wear 
 them. If you find any difficulty in getting them 
 on, blow hi them. Yours affectionately, 
 
 " Tom." 
 UNAPPRECIATIVE 
 
 A Canadian author wrote an anthem for a 
 recent celebration in Toronto. 
 
 Toward the end of the exercises, when the 
 people were going out a few at a tune, the author 
 rushed to the conductor and said: 
 
 " Is it over? " 
 
 " Practically." 
 
 " But, Great Scott! man, they haven't sung 
 my anthem! " 
 
 " Well," said the conductor, " so long as the 
 people are going out peacefully and quietly, 
 why sing it at all? " 
 
 DISAGREED 
 
 Two young men who had been chums at 
 college went abroad together. One conscien- 
 tiously wanted to visit every spot mentioned 
 in the guide books; the other was equally con- 
 scientious about having a hilarious time. This 
 naturally led to disagreements. In the course 
 71
 
 ?i?eiio mill 
 
 of one of these, the lover of pleasure said 
 tauntingly: 
 
 "Perhaps you are doing these places so 
 thoroughly because you are going to write a 
 book about your trip." 
 
 " I should," replied the other promptly, " if 
 Robert Louis Stevenson hadn't pre-empted the 
 title I want to use." 
 
 " What's that? " 
 
 " * Travels with a Donkey.' " 
 
 NO DANGER 
 
 Much sobered by the importance of the news 
 he had to communicate, youthful Thomas 
 strode into the house and said breathlessly: 
 
 " Mother, they have a new baby next door 
 and the lady over there is awful sick. Mother, 
 you ought to go right in and see her." 
 
 " Yes, dear," said the mother. " I will go 
 over hi a day or two, just as soon as she gets 
 better." 
 
 " But, mother," persisted Thomas, " I think 
 you ought to go in right away; she is real sick 
 and maybe you can do something to help." 
 
 " Yes, dear," said his mother patiently, " but 
 wait a day or so until she is just a little better." 
 
 Thomas seemed much dissatisfied at his 
 72
 
 mn\ 
 
 mother's apparent lack of neighborly interest, 
 and then something seemed to dawn upon him, 
 for he blurted out: 
 
 " Mother, you needn't be afraid it ain't 
 catching." 
 
 KNOWN BY HIS FRIENDS 
 
 A forlorn-looking man was brought before 
 a magistrate for drunkenness and disorderly 
 conduct. When asked what he had to say for 
 himself he gazed pensively at the judge, 
 smoothed down a remnant of gray hair, and 
 said: 
 
 " Your honor, ' Man's inhumanity to man 
 makes countless thousands mourn.' I'm not 
 as debased as Swift, as profligate as Byron, as 
 dissipated as Poe, or as debauched as " 
 
 " That will do," thundered the magistrate. 
 " Thirty days! And, officer, take a list of those 
 names and run 'em in. They're as bad a lot as 
 he is." 
 
 WHO DONE IT? 
 
 A teacher in the primary grade of a Newark 
 school was instructing her class in the composi- 
 tion of sentences. After a talk of several min- 
 utes, she wrote two sentences on the blackboard, 
 73
 
 mill 
 
 one grammatically wrong, the other a mis- 
 statement of facts. The sentences were: " The 
 hen has three legs. Who done it? " " Willie," 
 she said, "go to the blackboard and show 
 where the fault lies in these two sentences." 
 Willie did so. To her astonishment, he wrote: 
 " The hen never done it; God done it." 
 
 AN EXPERT 
 
 " Do you know what to do if the car should 
 break down? " asked the thoughtful mother 
 of the young man who was going to take her 
 daughter out in his new Napier. 
 
 " Certainly," he answered. 
 
 The young people were quite late in returning. 
 The fair young daughter rushed in to her mother 
 and said: 
 
 " Oh, mamma, the car did break down! But 
 Jack knew exactly what to do! We we are 
 engaged! " 
 
 HONESTY PROVEN 
 
 District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New 
 York, told a story about honesty. " There 
 was a man," he said, " who applied for a posi- 
 tion in a dry-goods house. His appearance 
 wasn't prepossessing, and references were de- 
 74
 
 ??ello mill 
 
 inanded. After some hesitation, he gave the 
 name of a driver hi the firm's employ. This 
 driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A 
 clerk sought out the driver, and asked him if 
 the applicant was honest. " Honest? " the 
 driver said. " Why, his honesty's been proved 
 again and again. To my certain knowledge 
 he's been arrested nine times for stealing and 
 every time he was acquitted." 
 
 A PROTRACTED VISIT 
 
 " I don't think your father feels very kindly 
 toward me," said Mr. Staylate. 
 
 " You misjudge him. The morning after 
 you called on me last week he seemed quite 
 worried for fear I had not treated you with 
 proper courtesy." 
 
 " Indeed! What did he say? " 
 
 " He asked me how I could be so rude as to 
 let you go away without your breakfast." 
 
 TROUBLE ENOUGH 
 
 Robert W. Chambers, the novelist, often tells 
 of a lady, who, on the way back from her hus- 
 band's funeral, stopped with her supporters 
 at a house of refreshment. Gin was chosen as 
 75
 
 the beverage best suited to the occasion, and 
 a liberal quantity of the transparent fluid was 
 poured into the bereaved lady's glass. " Any 
 water, Min? " one of the other ladies asked her, 
 holding out the pitcher. But she did not deign 
 to lift her face from her handkerchief. 
 " Water? " she sobbed. " Water? Good heav- 
 ens, ain't I got trouble enough as it is? " 
 
 HE DID IT IN THE 6O'S 
 
 She Yes, indeed! My father is a self- 
 made man. Why, he went hi the Fakeall Hard- 
 ware Store as an office boy at $12 per month, 
 and in less than eight years he owned the store. 
 
 He That's good! But I couldn't do that 
 in the store I'm working in now. 
 
 She How's that? 
 
 He Oh, we have cash registers. 
 
 NOISY PLACE 
 
 Two women, walking along one of the busi- 
 ness thoroughfares of New York, heard a great 
 shouting of " Extry, extry," and looked about 
 to see where all the noise was coming from. 
 Across the street they spied one very small 
 newsboy shouting with all his might. One of 
 76
 
 the women, attracting the boy's attention, called 
 him to her and bought a paper; then, as she 
 dropped the pennies into the little fellow's hand, 
 she said: " You mustn't make so much noise, 
 my little man; you can sell your papers just as 
 well without yelling so." For hah 5 a second the 
 boy looked up at her in surprise, then exclaimed: 
 " You don't understand, missus; you've got 
 to yell like hell to make a living in New York." 
 
 IN THE GARDEN 
 
 Mr. S - offered a young colored man fif- 
 teen cents to cut the grass about his home. 
 
 Returning a few hours later, Mr. S saw the 
 
 darky whom he had hired lying in the shade 
 of some trees watching another darky cut the 
 grass. 
 
 "What's the matter, Sam?" inquired Mr. 
 g ^ 
 
 " Nawthin', sah," returned the negro, pla- 
 cidly. " Jim just happened along and done 
 offered to take the job offen my hands, and I 
 'lowed he could do it just as well as I could, 
 sah." 
 
 " Oh, it's all right, Sam. I suppose you are 
 making something off the deal, aren't you? " 
 77
 
 mill 
 
 Mr. S - queried, amused at the lordly air of 
 Sam. 
 
 " No, sah," replied the negro. " I done tole 
 that Jim I'd give him two bits (twenty-five 
 cents) to cut that thar grass." 
 
 " Two bits! " exclaimed Mr. S . " Why, 
 
 Sam, you are an awful fool. That is ten cents 
 more than I am going to pay you." 
 
 " Yes, sah," Sam rejoined, amiably. " I 
 know dat, sah; but I calc'late it's wuth ten 
 cents to me to be boss for a whole afternoon, 
 sah." 
 
 COSTLY ADVICE 
 
 An impecunious young lawyer recently re- 
 ceived the following letter from a tailor to whom 
 he was indebted: 
 
 " Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return 
 mail when I may expect a remittance from you 
 in settlement of my account. 
 
 " Yours truly, 
 
 "J. Snippen." 
 
 The follower of Blacks tone immediately re- 
 plied: 
 
 " Dear Sir: I have your request for advice 
 of a recent date, and beg leave to say that not 
 having received any retainer from you I cannot 
 78
 
 mm 
 
 act in the premises. Upon receipt of your 
 check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the 
 matter up for you and to acquaint you with 
 the results of my investigations. I am, sir, 
 with great respect, your most obedient servant, 
 
 " Barclay B. Coke." 
 
 THEN THE TROUBLE BEGAN 
 
 O' Flanagan came home 'one night with a 
 deep band of black crape around his hat. 
 
 " Why, Mike," exclaimed his wife, " what 
 are you wearing that mournful thing for? " 
 
 " I'm wearing it for your first husband," re- 
 plied Mike, firmly; " I'm sorry he's dead." 
 
 THOUGHT SHE'D GONE 
 
 When Mr. Daniels went down to the club 
 he left Mrs. Daniels with a lady friend whose 
 abilities as a scandal-monger and mischief- 
 maker are pre-eminent. When he returned 
 he just poked his head into the drawing-room 
 and said, with a sigh of relief: 
 
 " That old cat gone, I suppose? " 
 
 For just an instant there was a dreadful 
 silence, for as he uttered the last word he en- 
 countered the stony glare of the lady who had 
 79
 
 been in his mind. Then Mrs. Daniels spoke 
 quite calmly: 
 
 " The old cat? " she said. " Oh, yes, dear; 
 I sent it to the Cats' Home in a basket first 
 thing this morning! " 
 
 WISE FORETHOUGHT 
 
 " Now, Pat, would you sooner lose your 
 money or your life? " 
 
 " Why, me loife, yer reverence; I want me 
 money for me old age." 
 
 THOUGHTFUL 
 
 The Youngs had dropped in unexpectedly 
 upon the Baileys just as dinner was about to be 
 served. Mother, who was somewhat disturbed, 
 called Helen aside and explained that there 
 would not be oysters enough to go round, and 
 added: " Now you and I will just have some of 
 the broth. And please not make any fuss about 
 it at the table." 
 
 Little Helen promised to be good and say 
 nothing. But when the oysters were served, 
 Helen discovered a small one that had been 
 accidentally ladled up with her broth. She could 
 not remember any instructions that covered 
 this contingency, so after studying the situation 
 80
 
 mu\ 
 
 a while she held the oyster up as high as she 
 could on her spoon and piped out: 
 
 " Mamma, Mamma, shouldn't Mrs. Young 
 have this oyster, too? " 
 
 TOO THICK 
 
 Author Have you read my new book? 
 Friend Yes. 
 
 Author What do you think of it? 
 Friend Well, to be candid with you, I 
 think the covers are too far apart. 
 
 EASILY DIRECTED 
 
 A large masculine-looking woman entered a 
 department store and accosted the floor-walker 
 in a loud tone: 
 
 " I want to get something out of the ordinary, 
 something that none of the other women are 
 wearing, something, however, that will suit me.". 
 
 " Certainly, Madam. Men's Clothing, third 
 floor, front." 
 
 FRACTIONS 
 
 Teacher (giving a lesson on fractions) 
 Here, children, is a piece of meat. If I cut it in 
 two, what shall I have? 
 
 Class Halves! 
 
 81
 
 mm 
 
 Teacher And if I cut it again in two, what 
 do I get? 
 
 Class Quarters! 
 
 Teacher And if I again do the same? 
 
 Class Eighths! 
 
 Teacher And if I continue in the same way? 
 
 Class (a duet) Sixteenths! 
 
 Teacher Good! And if we cut our pieces 
 once more in two, what then shall we have? 
 
 Tommy (after a long silence) Please, miss, 
 mincemeat! 
 
 DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS 
 
 George Washington drew a long sigh and said: 
 " Ah wish Ah had a hundred watermillions." 
 
 Dixie's eyes lighted. " Hum! Dat would 
 suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a hundred 
 watermillions would yo' gib me fifty? " 
 " No, Ah wouldn't." 
 " Wouldn't yo' gib me twenty-five? " 
 " No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five." 
 Dixie gazed with reproachful eyes at his close- 
 fisted friend. " Seems to me, you's powahful 
 stingy, George Washington," he said, and then 
 continued in a heartbroken voice. " Wouldn't 
 yo' gib me one? " 
 
 82
 
 mill 
 
 " No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a-heah, 
 niggah! Are yo' so good for nuffen lazy dat yo' 
 cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions? " 
 
 NOT YET 
 
 Uncle Ellery Now, I'll learn ye to milk the 
 cow. 
 
 Nephew from the City Oh, unkie, I'm 
 kinder 'fraid o' the cow; couldn't I just as well 
 learn on the calf? 
 
 NO ANNOYANCE 
 
 Tourist You have an unusually large acre- 
 age of corn under cultivation; don't the crows 
 annoy you a good deal? 
 
 Farmer Oh, not to any extent. 
 
 Tourist That's singular, considering you 
 have no scarecrows. 
 
 Farmer Oh well, you see, I'm out here a 
 good part of the time myself. 
 
 PUNCTUATION MADE EASY 
 
 Returning from school the other afternoon 
 little Edith proudly informed her mother that 
 she had learned to " punchuate." 
 83
 
 " Well, dear, and how is it done? " 
 " You see, mamma," explained Edith, " when 
 you write ' Scat,' you put a hatpin after it, and 
 when you ask a question then you put down a 
 button hook." 
 
 GET ACQUAINTED 
 
 A minister of a fashionable church in Newark 
 had always left the greeting of strangers to be 
 attended to by the ushers, until he read the 
 newspaper articles in reference to the matter. 
 
 " Suppose a representative should visit our 
 church? " said his wife. " Wouldn't it be 
 awful? 
 
 " It would," the minister admitted. 
 
 The following Sunday evening he noticed a 
 plainly dressed woman in one of the free pews. 
 She sat alone and was clearly not a member of 
 the flock. After the benediction the minister 
 hastened and intercepted her at the door. 
 
 " How do you do? " he said, offering his hand. 
 " I am very glad to have you with us." 
 
 " Thank you," replied the young woman. 
 
 " I hope we may see you often in our church 
 home," he went on. " We are always glad to 
 welcome new faces." 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 84
 
 " Do you live in this parish? " he asked. 
 
 The girl looked blank. 
 
 " If you will give me your address my wife 
 and I will call on you some evening." 
 
 " You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the 
 young woman, " I'm your cook! " 
 
 US CHICKENS 
 
 It was a dark night, and the owner of the 
 chicken coop, gun in hand, was investigating 
 certain suspicious noises he had heard. 
 
 " Who's in there? " he called at the open 
 window. 
 
 Erastus, inside, replied softly and reassur- 
 ingly: " Ain't nobody heah 'cep'n' us chickens." 
 
 ALL KINDS 
 
 " Football! " growled the angry father. 
 " Ugh! " 
 
 " But surely," said his friend, " your son won 
 high honors in football at his college? " 
 
 " He did! " assented the father. 
 
 " First he was a quarterback " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Then a halfback " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 85
 
 mui 
 
 " Then a fullback " 
 " Yes." 
 
 " And now what is he now? " 
 " Now," roared the father, " he is a hunch- 
 back! " 
 
 TURN AROUND 
 
 Lady (on the Railway) -- Please, sir, will 
 you help me to get out at the next station? 
 
 Gentleman Why, certainly, ma'am. 
 
 Lady You see, sir, it's this way. Being 
 rather stout, I have to turn around and get out 
 backward, and the porters always think I am 
 getting in, so they push me back into the car- 
 riage and say, " Hurry up, ma'am! " I've 
 passed four stations that way already. 
 
 WAGNER TABOOED 
 
 An organ grinder, whose repertoire consisted 
 largely of old-fashioned Italian melodies and 
 operatic selections, played one or two of them 
 before a suburban house. There happened to 
 be a party of music-loving people on the porch 
 - devotees of Wagner. 
 
 The host, whose hair was long and brushed 
 pompadour, beckoned to the man. 
 
 " I should be glad," said he, with a lofty 
 
 86
 
 mm 
 
 manner, " if you would kindly play a few 
 selections from Wagner." 
 
 Immediately the organ grinder, throwing up 
 his hands wildly, replied: 
 
 " Wagner I Wagner! Not for fifty dollars. 
 I breaks three organ an' killa two monk, wid 
 your Wagner! I play him no more! " 
 
 HIS DREADFUL NICKNAME 
 
 " I hope they don't give my little boy any 
 naughty nicknames in school? " 
 
 " Yes, ma, they call me Corns.' 
 
 " How dreadful! And why do they call you 
 that? " 
 
 " 'Cause I'm always at the foot of the class." 
 
 MERELY CONVERSATIONAL 
 
 Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping 
 tour through New England. He discovered a 
 chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock. 
 
 " Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, 
 using a hillside filled with straggling stalks as a 
 means of breaking the conversational ice. 
 
 " Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter. 
 
 " How do you plow that field? " asked Mr. 
 Bacheller. " It is so very steep." 
 87
 
 mm 
 
 " Don't plow it," said the sitter. " When the 
 spring thaws come, the rocks rolling down hill 
 tear it up so that we can plant corn." 
 
 " And how do you plant it? " asked Mr. 
 Bacheller. The sitter said that he didn't plant it, 
 really. He stood hi his back door and shot the 
 seed hi with a shotgun. 
 
 " Is that the truth? " asked Bacheller. 
 
 " H 11 no," said the sitter, disgusted. 
 " That's conversation." 
 
 A LETTER TO THE ANGELS 
 
 They are considerate youngsters hi Notting- 
 ham, as most people know. A little boy whose 
 grandmother had just died wrote the following 
 letter, which he duly posted: 
 
 " Dear Angels: We have sent you grandma. 
 Please give her a harp to play, as she is short- 
 winded and can't blow a trumpet." 
 
 IMPRESSED 
 
 The June bride frowned. 
 
 " These tomatoes," she said, " are just twice 
 as dear as those across the street. Why is 
 it?" 
 
 88
 
 " Ah, ma'am, these " and the grocer smiled 
 " these are hand picked." 
 She blushed. 
 
 " Of course," she said hastily; " I might have 
 known. Give me a bushel, please." 
 
 DOUBLY SURE 
 
 In one of the smaller cities of New England 
 there was an Episcopal church, which had two 
 mission chapels, commonly known as the East 
 End Mission and the North End Mission, from 
 the parts of the city where they were respectively 
 located. One day the rector gave out the 
 notices, in his most distinguished, high-church 
 tone, as follows: " There will be a service at 
 the North End Mission at three o'clock, and at 
 the East End at five. Children will be baptized 
 at both ends." 
 
 ALREADY TAKEN 
 
 A Mormon wife, coming down stairs one 
 morning, met the physician who was attending 
 her husband. 
 
 " Is he very ill? " she asked, anxiously. 
 
 " He is," replied the physician. " I fear that 
 the end is not far off." 
 
 89
 
 mm 
 
 " Do you think," she asked, hesitatingly - 
 " do you think it proper that I should be at his 
 bedside during his last moments? " 
 
 " Yes. But I advise you to hurry, madam. 
 The best places are already being taken." 
 
 WAITING 
 
 Bobby Make a noise like a frog, uncle. 
 Uncle Why? 
 
 Bobby 'Cause when I ask daddy for any- 
 thing he says, " Wait till your uncle croaks." 
 
 A PROVERB 
 
 A gentleman who had been in Chicago only 
 three days, but who had been paying attention 
 to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to pro- 
 pose, but was afraid he would be thought too 
 hasty. He delicately broached the subject as 
 follows: " If I were to speak to you of mar- 
 riage, after having only made your acquaintance 
 three days ago, what would you say of it? " 
 " Well, I should say, never put off till to- 
 morrow that which should have been done the 
 day before yesterday." 
 
 SYMPATHETIC 
 
 A French general's wife, whose tongue-lashing 
 ability was far-famed, demanded that an old 
 90
 
 33(11! 
 
 servant, who had served with her husband in 
 the wars, be dismissed. " Jacques," said the 
 general, "go to your room and pack your trunk 
 and leave depart." The old Frenchman 
 clasped his hands to his heart with dramatic 
 joy. " Me I can go! " he exclaimed in a 
 very ecstasy of gratitude. Then suddenly his 
 manner changed, as with the utmost compas- 
 sion he added: " But you, my poor general 
 you must stay." 
 
 SEVERE ENGAGEMENT 
 
 An Irish soldier was recently given leave of 
 absence the morning after pay day. When his 
 leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought 
 at last before the commandant for sentence, and 
 the following dialogue is recorded: 
 
 " Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had 
 a severe engagement." 
 
 " Yes, sur." 
 
 " Have you any money left? " 
 
 " No, sur." 
 
 " You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't 
 you? " 
 
 " Yes, sur." 
 
 " What did you do with it? " 
 91
 
 mm 
 
 " Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a 
 friend, and we went into a place and spint $8. 
 Thin we came out and I met another friend and 
 we spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we 
 met another friend and we spint $8 more, and 
 thin we come out and we met another bunch of 
 friends, and I spint $8 more and thin I come 
 home." 
 
 " But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What 
 did you do with the other $3? " Murphy 
 thought. Then he shook his head slowly and 
 said: 
 
 " I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have 
 squandered that money foolishly." 
 
 DIFFERENT NOW 
 
 Captain (receiving the new middy) Well, 
 boy, the old story, I suppose fool of the 
 family sent to sea? " Oh, no, sir," piped the 
 boy; " that's all altered since your day." 
 
 FOR CONVENIENCE 
 
 Three doctors were operating on a man for 
 appendicitis. After the operation was com- 
 pleted one of the doctors missed a small sponge. 
 The patient was reopened, the sponge found 
 
 92
 
 mm 
 
 within, and the man served up again. Im- 
 mediately the second doctor missed a needle. 
 Again the patient was opened and closed. Then 
 the third doctor missed a pair of scissors. 
 " Gentlemen," said the victim as they were 
 about to open him up again, " for heaven's sake, 
 if you're going to keep this up, put buttons on 
 me." 
 
 WHO SWIPED IT? 
 
 Judge (sternly to Pat and Mike, who have 
 been arrested for righting) Now, which one 
 of you took the initiative? 
 
 Prisoners (in unison) Begorra, sir, not I; 
 wan of the bystanders must have swiped it. 
 
 PESSIMISTIC 
 
 Jennie What makes George such a pessi- 
 mist? 
 
 Jack Well, he's been married three times 
 once for love, once for money and the last 
 time for a home. 
 
 ADDING INJURY TO INSULT 
 
 " Well, did he pay you? " asked the wife of 
 a dentist who had been to collect a bill for a full 
 
 93
 
 mm 
 
 set of false teeth that he had made for a man 
 almost a year before. 
 
 " Pay me! " growled the dentist. " Not only 
 did he refuse to pay me, but he actually had the 
 effrontery to gnash at me with my teeth! " 
 
 MY, HOW CARELESS 
 
 A country barber cut a customer's cheek four 
 times while shaving him. 
 
 " Oh, dear me! how careless! " exclaimed the 
 razor wielder after the infliction of each wound. 
 
 When the shave was over the customer took 
 a glassful of water and at every mouthful shook 
 his head from side to side. 
 
 " Anything the matter? " the barber asked. 
 
 " No," was the reply. " I only wanted to see 
 if my mouth would still hold water without 
 leaking! " 
 
 A PAIR FOR SOMEBODY 
 
 A through train on the Rock Island stopped 
 a few moments at the Englewood station the 
 other day. A passenger got off to walk around 
 a little. As the train began to move again the 
 passenger jumped aboard, but just then he dis- 
 94
 
 miu 
 
 covered that he had but one overshoe. Thinking 
 that he dropped the other somewhere on the 
 platform, and, as the train was going too fast 
 for him to jump off and recover it, he pulled off 
 the remaining shoe and threw it on the platform, 
 exclaiming: " There, that makes a good pair of 
 overshoes for somebody." Entering the car, he 
 proceeded to his seat. There, to his great aston- 
 ishment, was his overshoe. A look of intense 
 disgust came upon his face, but he did not hesi- 
 tate. Quickly picking up the lone arctic, he 
 hurried to the platform, threw the shoe as far 
 as he could back toward the other one, and 
 shouted: " By jimminy, there is a pair of over- 
 shoes for somebody! " 
 
 A "ROAST" ALL AROUND 
 
 The minister had just finished a little opening 
 talk to the children, preparatory to the morning 
 service, when Mrs. Berkeley suddenly realized, 
 with all the agony of a careful housewife, that 
 she had forgotten to turn the gas off from the 
 oven in which she had left a nicely cooked roast, 
 all ready for the final reheating. Visions of a 
 ruined dinner and a smoky kitchen roused her to 
 immediate effort, and, borrowing a pencil from 
 the young man hi front, she scribbled a note.
 
 mm 
 
 Just then her husband, an usher in the church, 
 passed her pew. With a murmured " Hurry! " 
 she thrust the note into his hand, and he, with 
 an understanding nod, turned, passed up the 
 aisle, and handed the note to the minister. Mrs. 
 Berkeley saw the act hi speechless horror, and 
 shuddered as she saw the minister smilingly 
 open the note and begin to read. But her ex- 
 pression of dismay was fully equalled by the 
 look of amazement and wrath on the good man's 
 face as he read the words, " Go home and turn 
 off the gas! " 
 
 BOTH LOOK SUSPICIOUS 
 
 " Mose, what is the difference between a 
 bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversa- 
 tion between two confidence men? " 
 
 "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; 
 I'se gwine to give it up." 
 
 " Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the 
 other is a skinning theme." 
 
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