3 1822 01084 5881
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 CALIFORNIA 
 
 SAN DIEGO .
 
 
 3 1822 01084 5881 

 
 ALEX THE GREAT
 
 A.W..B 
 
 Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from 
 
 the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin* up the 
 
 receipts or somethin . See page 264
 
 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 BY 
 
 H. C. WITWER 
 
 Author of "From Baseball to Boches," 
 "A Smile a Minute," etc. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY 
 ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 Copyright, 1919, 
 
 BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY 
 (INCORPORATED)
 
 DEDICATED TO 
 
 RALPH T. HALE 
 
 EDITOR OF SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY 
 
 MY PUBLISHER BUT STILL MY FRIEND
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT . 9 
 
 II THE SELF-COMMENCER ... 63 
 
 III PLAY YOUR ACE! 108 
 
 IV DON T GIVE UP THE TIP !. . .155 
 V You CAN Do IT! 195 
 
 VI THE LITTLE THINGS DON T . 
 
 COUNT 238 
 
 VII ART is WRONG. ,. ... . 273
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 Along he comes with some dame he must 
 have kidnapped from the Follies when 
 Ziegfeld was busy countin up the receipts 
 or somethin . See page 264. . Frontispiece 
 
 PAGE 
 
 I struck a match and he tells me they is 
 9)765,543 of them used in New York 
 every fiscal year. See page 243 . . 36 
 
 " She s going to marry me, she s going to 
 
 marry me !" See page 262 ... 68 
 
 She s knittin a sweater for me that will 
 prob ly make me off her for life. See 
 page 27$ . . 102 
 
 " How perfectly sweet ! If you two only 
 knew what a pretty picture you make ! " 
 See page 2JJ . . . . . .214 
 
 " Heavens ! " says the vampire. " You must 
 have .worked all your life to acquire ignor 
 ance, for no one was ever born as stupid 
 as you ! " See page jo6 . . .252 
 
 When the dames cast languishing glances at 
 his handsome form, he glared at them like 
 an infuriated turtle . . . .308
 
 ALEX THE GREAT
 
 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 GIRLS, listen if friend hubby comes 
 home to-night and while hurlin the 
 cat off his favorite chair, remarks that he s 
 got a scheme to make gold out of mud or 
 pennant winners out of the St. Looey Car 
 dinals, don t threaten to leave him flat and 
 accuse him of givin aid and comfort to the 
 breweries. Turn the gas out under the 
 steak, be seated and register attention be 
 cause maybe he has! 
 
 Scattered around all the department 
 stores, coal mines, butcher shops, the police 
 force and banks, there s guys which can 
 sing as well as Caruso, lead a band better 
 than Sousa, stand Dempsey on his ear, show 
 
 9
 
 io ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Rockefeller how to make money or teach 
 Chaplin some new falls. Yet these birds 
 go through life on eighteen dollars every 
 Saturday with prospects, and never get their 
 names in the papers unless they get caught 
 in a trolley smash-up. They re like a guy 
 with the ice cream concession at the North 
 Pole. They got the goods, but what of it? 
 As far as the universe is concerned it s a 
 secret they re there with chimes on, but 
 nobody knows it but them! 
 
 Y know this stuff about us all bein neck 
 and neck when we hit the nursery may be 
 true, but, believe me, some guys are born 
 to run second! They get off on the wrong 
 foot, trailin the leaders until the under 
 taker stops the race. They plod through 
 life takin orders from guys that don t know 
 half as much about any given thing as they 
 do; they never get a crack at the big job or 
 the big money, although accordin to Hoyle 
 they got everything that s needed for both. 
 Take Joey Green who used to be so stupid
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX n 
 
 at dear old college that the faculty once con 
 sidered givin him education by injectin it 
 into his dome with a hypodermic. At 
 forty he comes back to the campus to make 
 em a present of a few new buildin s out 
 of last month s winnin s from the cruel 
 world. Where is Elbert Huntington, 
 which copped all the diplomas, did algebra 
 by ear and was give medals for out-brainin 
 the class? Where is he, teacher? And 
 the echo chirps, "Workin for Joey Green, 
 drawin twenty a week and on the payroll 
 as No. 543!" 
 
 The answer to this little thumb sketch 
 is easy. Elbert Huntington had brains and 
 Joey Green had confidence. Elbert ex 
 pected to dumfound the world with what 
 he knew, and Joey did dumfound it with 
 what he didn t. Now if Joseph made good 
 with nothin but nerve, what could a guy 
 do that had brains and nerve both? 
 
 I ll tell you. 
 
 After we won the world s series in 1914
 
 12 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 and the dough had been divided up to the 
 satisfaction of everybody but the guys that 
 was in on the split, me and the wife had 
 figured on one of them trips to Europe. 
 You prob bly know the kind I mean, "$900 
 and up. Bus to hotel on fifth morning out 
 included." I had looked forward to this 
 here expedition for thirty years, like a guy 
 looks forward to eight o clock the night he s 
 gonna call on his first girl. We had 
 learned French and Eytalian of! of a phono 
 graph record and from givin them spa 
 ghetti dives a play. Also, I had collected 
 a trousseau that would of made John Drew 
 take arsenic if he d ever of flashed me when 
 I was dolled up for the street. 
 
 Prob ly you have seen somethin in the 
 papers about how the old country was closed 
 to traffic right then. From what I hear 
 it was all dug up like lower Broadway and 
 tourists had to detour by way of So. 
 America, so we never got nearer Europe
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 13 
 
 than the Williamsburg Bridge, and you 
 can t see a thing from there. 
 
 Well, when we found out that as far as 
 trips to Europe was concerned they was 
 nothin stirrin , the wife took both bank 
 books and went down to Lakewood, while 
 I stayed in New York as a deposit on the 
 new flat. I went to the station with her and 
 I ll betcha from the fond farewells we give 
 each other, people must of thought she was 
 gonna take the veil or somethin , instead 
 of just goin to entomb herself in Jersey 
 for a month. I swore I d be in every night 
 at ten, although that s kinda late to start 
 out for the night, and she promised not to 
 get in no bridge melees where the sum they 
 battled for was over six bits. Then we took 
 some more bows on the lovin good-by stuff, 
 and I m alone in the big city. 
 
 I managed somehow to live through the 
 day, but the next afternoon I lured a bunch 
 up to the flat for a little pinochle. I begin
 
 i 4 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 by invitin two guys, but by the time we got 
 to Harlem we was a dozen strong. Once 
 inside the portals, it turns out that only six 
 of them is wild about pinochle, so the rest 
 of em take up the rugs, start the victrola 
 and give themselves up to dancin . Pretty 
 soon the telephone rings with great vio 
 lence. I grabbed the receiver and learned 
 it was the woman which lives underneath. 
 
 "Them steamfitters you got rehearsin up 
 there has got to call it a day!" she says. 
 "Otherwise I ll -moan to the landlord. 
 The chandelier has left the ceilin already 
 and four pieces of my chocolate set is 
 busted. I never heard tell of such carryin 
 on!" 
 
 "Wait till you been here a little longer," 
 I says, "I ain t carryin on, me and some 
 boy friends of mine is tryin to kill a dull 
 afternoon and 
 
 "If them s friends makin that racket," 
 she butts in, "I hope I have moved when 
 your enemies call! What am I gonna do
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 15 
 
 about that chocolate set, hey? D ye hear 
 there goes another piece!" 
 
 "If I was in your place," I tells her, "I d 
 drink coffee, and if your furnishin s is all 
 as frail as that chocolate set you re featuring 
 you better grab hold of the piano, because 
 I m gonna sneeze! " 
 
 "Don t you dare make no cracks about 
 my furniture!" she yells. "I got my opin 
 ion of what you do for a livin when you can 
 afford to be home in the daytime!" 
 
 "I make chocolate sets," I says. "We re 
 workin on one now and " 
 
 "Wait till my husband comes home!" she 
 cuts in. "He ll take care of you!" 
 
 "I don t need nobody to take care of me," 
 I comes back, "I m self supportin ." 
 
 "Why don t you let go there?" yells Ed 
 die Brannan. "Are you and that dame 
 doin an act or what?" 
 
 Zip! she hangs up and just then the front 
 door-bell makes good. 
 
 "See who it is!" I calls to one of the gang,
 
 1 6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 sittin in the game again. "Tell em I m in 
 Brazil and" 
 
 Oh, boy! 
 
 One of them dead silences took place in 
 the hall and in walks the wife! 
 
 For the next five seconds it was so quiet in 
 that flat that a graveyard would seem like 
 a locomotive works alongside of it. Joe 
 Leity starts to whistle soft and low, Abe 
 Katz opens the dumbwaiter and looks 
 down to see what kind of a jump it is and 
 I dropped a hundred aces on the floor. 
 The rest of the gang eases over to the door. 
 
 "Why ah eh ah, what does this 
 mean?" I says kinda weak. "I thought you 
 had went to Lakewood." 
 
 "Well," she says, turnin the eyes, that 
 used to fill the Winter Garden every night, 
 on the gang, "where d ye figure I am now? 
 I ll give you three guesses!" 
 
 "Ahem!" says Joe Leity, "I guess I ll 
 blow! I" 
 
 "Me, too!" pipes the gang like a chorus
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 17 
 
 and docs a few more vamps to the door. 
 
 "Why don t you introduce your friends?" 
 says the wife. "Or maybe you just run 
 across these boys yourself when you come 
 in, heh?" 
 
 "Excuse!" I says. "This here s Joe 
 Leity, Abe Katz, Phil Young, Red Dailey, 
 Steve" 
 
 "Never mind callin the roll," she butts 
 in. "I ll let it go en masse. I m de 
 lighted to meet you all, and I hope you 
 won t run away simply because I m here." 
 
 "Oh, no not at all we ain t runnin 
 away!" they says. 
 
 "There s no reason for you boys runnin 
 anyways," the wife goes on, "because the 
 elevator is right outside now and I think 
 the boy is holdin the car for you " 
 
 They blowed! 
 
 "And now," says the wife to me, "what 
 d ye mean by bringin them plumbers up 
 here for a union meetin , eh?" 
 
 "Don t be always knockin !" I answers,
 
 1 8 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 gettin peeved. "Them boys is all honest 
 and true, even if they do look a little rough 
 to the naked eye. But how is it you come 
 back to-day when you wasn t due for a 
 month?" 
 
 "You re tickled to death to see me, ain t 
 you?" she asks, pullin the pout that form 
 erly helped sell the magazines. 
 
 To be level with you, I was mad and 
 all. 
 
 "Why, dearie!" I remarks, kissin her. 
 "You know I" 
 
 "Easy with the oil!" she cuts me off. 
 "Get on your hat and coat; we re goin 
 right down to Grand Central Station." 
 
 "Don t you think it s liable to tire you, 
 honey," I asks her, "runnin back and forth 
 from Lakewood like this?" 
 
 "I m not goin to Lakewood, Stupid," she 
 says. "We re goin down to meet Alex 
 Hanley of course you remember him?" 
 
 I threw in the self-starter on the old 
 brain, but there was nothin doin .
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 19 
 
 "No!" I says. "To come right out with 
 it I don t. I realize though that he must 
 be a lu-lu when we re goin down and meet 
 him at the station. What did he do lick 
 Dempsey?" 
 
 "Idiot!" says the wife, callin me by her 
 favorite pet name. "He s my cousin." 
 
 Oh, boy! 
 
 We was goin down in the elevator and 
 I sunk in the seat with a low moan. In 
 the short space since me and the wife had 
 been wed, I had met her father, six brothers, 
 four nephews, three cousins and a bevy of 
 her uncles. They all claimed they was 
 pleased to meet me, though they couldn t 
 figure how their favorite female relative 
 come to fall for me and then they folleyed 
 that lead up with a request for everything 
 from a job to ten bucks. 
 
 "All right, dearie," I says, finally, "I m 
 game! Believe me, though, while your 
 family is all aces to me on account of bein
 
 20 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 related to you, I often find myself wishin 
 that you had been an orphan!" 
 
 "I could of married a couple of million 
 aires!" sighs the wife. "And to think I 
 turned em down for you!" 
 
 "If you had married a couple of million 
 aires, you would of been pinched!" I says. 
 "What d ye think this cousin of yours will 
 want to start off with, from your affectionate 
 husband?" 
 
 "Nothin l" she tells me. "Alex never 
 asked a favor in his life. Believe me, this 
 one is different!" 
 
 "I can see that from here!" I says. "If 
 you claim he won t take me for somethin , 
 he s different, all right. In fact I can 
 hardly believe he belongs to the family at 
 all." 
 
 "I was brought up never to brawl in the 
 open," says the wife, "so I m lettin your 
 insults go. This boy is fresh from the 
 mountains of Vermont. He s never been
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 21 
 
 to New York in his life and he s comin here 
 now to make his mark." 
 
 "I ll lay you eight to five I m the mark!" 
 I says. 
 
 We was at the station then, so we had 
 to practise self-denial and quit scrappin . 
 The wife explained that she had hardly 
 got to Lakewood when she found a tele 
 gram there from her cousin Alex sayin that 
 he was comin down for a visit. So she 
 beat it right back to meet him, not wantin 
 the poor kid to breeze into a town like New 
 York, all by his lonesome. 
 
 Well, we stand in the middle of the 
 waitin -room like a couple of boobs for a 
 while, and then a guy, which I figured must 
 be a college devil bustin into a new fra 
 ternity, comes gallopin across the floor, 
 slams a suitcase down on my foot and throws 
 his arms around the wife s neck. He had 
 on a cap which could of been used as a 
 checker board when you got tired of wear-
 
 22 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 in it, a suit of clothes that must of been 
 made by a maniac tailor and the yellowest 
 tan shoes I ever seen in my life. If he had 
 been three inches taller and an ounce thin 
 ner, you could of put a tent around him and 
 got a dime admission. On his upper lip, 
 which was of a retirin disposition, he had 
 a mustache that was an outright steal from 
 Chaplin. 
 
 I watched him and my wife embrace as 
 long as I could stand it and then I tapped 
 her on the shoulder. 
 
 "I suppose this is Alex, eh?" I says 
 while he looks at me for the first time. 
 
 "You got Sherlock Holmes lookin 
 stupid!" admits the wife. "Alex, meet my 
 lord and master." 
 
 "Howdy, cousin!" hollers Alex. "I 
 knowed you the minute I seen you from 
 them, now, big ears you got. Y know they 
 went to work and printed your picture in 
 the Sunday papers last month on a charge 
 of havin won the, now, pennant for Well,
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 23 
 
 that s neither here nor there. I come here 
 to make good! A feller with brains can 
 always do that in these big rube towns like 
 New York. Of course a baseball player 
 don t need no brains you know that your 
 self and" 
 
 "C mon, Alex," butts in the wife quickly, 
 seein I was gettin ready to grab Alex by 
 the neck. "We ll go right up to the flat 
 and have something to eat. I ll bet you 
 haven t had a bite since you left home 
 you ought to be starved by this time!" 
 
 "I d rather see him shot, myself!" I 
 growls, taggin along after them, carryin 
 this bird s suitcase. If they was clothes in 
 there, Alex must of dressed in armor up in 
 Vermont. The thing was as heavy as two 
 dollars worth of corn beef and cabbage. 
 However, I figured I d get back at Alex 
 the minute he asked me for a job. I was 
 all set for this bird, believe me! 
 
 "So this is New York, hey?" he pipes 
 through his nose the minute we get outside
 
 24 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the station. He stops dead in the street, 
 gazin up at the big buildin s and then down 
 at the crowds like a guy in a trance. All 
 he needed was a streamer of hay in his 
 mouth and the first seven guys that passed 
 would of offered to sell him the Bronx. 
 He gasps a couple of times and wipes his 
 eyes. 
 
 "Well, Alex," I says, tryin hard not to 
 laugh in his face, "what d ye think of New 
 York? Considerable burg, eh?" 
 
 He shakes his head kinda sad and sighs. 
 
 "I ll speak plain to you, cousin," he says. 
 "Of all the rube burgs I ever seen, this 
 here s the limit!" 
 
 I liked to fell down one of them Subway 
 holes! 
 
 "Rube town?" I yells. "Where d ye get 
 that stuff? Are you seekin to kid me?" 
 
 He grabs me by the shoulders and swings 
 me around. 
 
 "Just you look at that crowd of folks on 
 the corner there!" he tells me. He points
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 25 
 
 over to where half New York is bein held 
 up in a traffic jam wagons, autos, surface 
 cars and guys usin rubber heels as a means 
 of locomotion, all waitin for the cop to say, 
 "Go!" 
 
 "Just look at em!" repeats Alex, sneerin 
 at me. "From the reports that have 
 reached me, this here s the town where all 
 the brains in the world is gathered. 
 There s a couple hundred of them brains 
 on the corner there now, I reckon, and they 
 can t go nowheres till that constabule gives 
 the word! Huh!" he snorts, turnin away. 
 "All just a lot of rubes, that s all!" 
 
 We get in a taxi and all the way up Alex 
 kept lookin out the window, shakin his 
 head and mutterin somethin about Man 
 hattan bein a well-advertised bunk and all 
 the inhabitants thereof bein hicks. I don t 
 know whether he was after my goat or not, 
 but in a few minutes he had it. 
 
 "Listen, gentle stranger," I says, when 
 nature could stand no more, "I realize that
 
 26 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 New York is nothin but a flag station and 
 that we re all Reubens and chew hay, but 
 we have, amongst other things, six million 
 merry villagers, the biggest buildin s in 
 the world, the subway, gunmen, cabarets, 
 Broadway, and well, a lot of things that 
 you gotta admit ain t hit dear old Vermont 
 as yet!" 
 
 "And I most sincerely hope and trust they 
 never will!" pipes Alex. "We don t need 
 em! We got good, clean mountain air, 
 plenty of honest green grass and and 
 neighbors! There s just a few things you 
 ain t got in New York. Cousin Alice tells 
 me she was here two years before she 
 knowed the folks in the next flat. That 
 shows you people is suspicious. You know 
 you re rubes and you re afraid to welcome 
 the stranger for fear he ll sell you one of 
 them, now, gold bricks. I also hear you pay 
 five and six dollars for a seat at an enter 
 tainment. You sto-called wise New York 
 ers pays that much for tickets and then go
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 27 
 
 in and laugh your fool heads off at a scene 
 showin a, now, farmer bein stung! Ha, 
 ha, ha! You" 
 
 We was up at the flat then, and I let him 
 rave on, tryin not to get peeved, so s we d 
 have some peace and quiet in the family. 
 I knew if he kept on pannin my town, I d 
 get sore and bite him or somethin and 
 then the wife wouldn t gimme no smile for 
 a month. Alex was a new one on me so 
 far, but I figured that in a couple of days 
 he d be tellin the world that New York 
 was the greatest place on earth and people 
 that lived anywheres else must be nutty 
 the way they all do. 
 
 After supper the wife calls up a girl 
 friend of hers so s we can make up a .little 
 theatre party. Me and Alex goes into the 
 parlor for a smoke, and I asked him how 
 he come to be in our mongst if he already 
 knowed what a hick town New York was. 
 
 "I come here to make good," he tells me, 
 "because, in my opinion, this is the easiest
 
 28 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 place in the world to do that thing. This 
 town is no different than Ann Harbor or 
 New Haven, except that it s bigger that s 
 all! The trouble with most fellows that 
 come here from a small town is, they let 
 New York get under their skin and it takes 
 their nerve before they get started. Ad- 
 vertisin is what has made this town what 
 it is to-day and nothin else. It s easier to 
 make good here than it is in a burg, because 
 in your own town everybody knows you and 
 now fourflushin will get you nothin . 
 There s so many people here that a feller 
 can keep some of em guessin all the time. 
 All anybody needs to get ahead here is 
 confidence 
 
 "Well," I butts in, "if all a guy needs is 
 confidence, you ought to be a knockout! 
 What are you figurin on doin first?" 
 
 "I ll look around to-morrow," he says. 
 "I wanna start off with the hardest propo 
 sition in the town right away. Out in my 
 town five of us fellers formed a little club.
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 29 
 
 Each of us has swore to come to New York 
 one after the other and make good in six 
 months to a year, just to show you folks 
 how easy it is. For one thing, we all got 
 our own private little plans for winnin out 
 here and every one of us is goin to go at the 
 proposition from a brand new angle. I 
 was elected to be the first one, and that s 
 why I m here." 
 
 "Alex," I says, "you re an ambitious 
 feller, and I gotta hand it to you. I don t 
 doubt you ll go a long ways at that, if you 
 don t get pinched for speedin . But this 
 stuff you re pullin about dear old Manhat 
 tan gets under my collar! I hate to hear 
 you pan the capital of the world in that 
 rough way of yours, and when you claim 
 it s a simple matter to make good here, you 
 have gone and pulled a bone. If it s as 
 soft as you say, I must of lost the combina 
 tion or somethin , because it took me thirty 
 years to get over right here, and, at that, I 
 ain t causin Rockefeller or George M.
 
 30 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Cohan no worry! So just to show you that 
 your dope is all wrong and that you re due 
 to hit the bumps if you play it out, I ll lay 
 you eight to five you muff the very first 
 thing you try here what d ye say?" 
 
 He looks at me for a minute and shakes 
 his head. 
 
 "I don t want to deprive my Cousin Alice 
 of no luxuries," he tells me, "or I d snap you 
 right up on that." 
 
 "I see they re still makin em yellah up 
 in Vermont!" I sneers. 
 
 "D ye mean to insinuate that I m a quit 
 ter?" he asks me, gettin red. 
 
 "You ought to be a fortune teller!" I says. 
 
 "By gravy, I ll take you up!" he hollers. 
 "I got five hundred dollars in my left shoe 
 and I mig ht as well add to it now as later. 
 I ll bet you the five hundred to your eight 
 hundred that the first thing I tackle here, 
 I make good!" 
 
 "You hate yourself, don t you?" I says. 
 
 "Who s yellah now?" he comes back.
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 31 
 
 "The canary," I tells him. "You re on!" 
 
 Just then the door-bell rings, and they 
 was sounds of kissin by women principals 
 in the hall. In walks the wife with what 
 looks to me like a opium-eater s dream 
 and a Fifth Avenue evenin gown model 
 conibined. Alex takes one flash and turns 
 red, white and blue. 
 
 "This is my friend Eve Rossiter," says 
 the wife. "My husband, Eve, and my 
 cousin, Al-ex Hanley." 
 
 "Charmed!" breathes Eve, pullin a smile 
 that lit up the room. 
 
 "Me and you both!" I says. 
 
 But Alex clears his throat, grits his teeth 
 and flushes up. They was a glitter in his 
 eye and he begins to talk fast and hard. 
 
 "Howdy, Miss Rossiter!" he says, 
 shakin hands like he was bein give 
 a knockdown to the new bartender. "I m 
 astounded to meet you! I just come to 
 New York to-day, but if I d of knowed you 
 was here, I d of been here long ago.
 
 32 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 However, I m here now and better late than 
 forever, as the feller says. I just bet my 
 cousin here that the first thing I tried my 
 hand at in New York I d make good. I m 
 goin out to-morrow and show him how 
 easy it is for a feller to get to the top in this 
 here prize rube burg, provided he has now 
 gumption and his methods is new. I ll see 
 you to-morrow night and let you know how 
 I made out ; I know you won t have no peace 
 till you hear about it!" He digs into his 
 pockets feverishly and grabs out a handful 
 of letters. "Here s what they thought of 
 me up in Vermont!" he goes on, never takin 
 his eyes off the girl s face. The wife is 
 starin at him with her mouth and eyes as 
 open as a crap tourney, like she figured he d 
 gone nutty and me and Little Eva is run- 
 nin neck and neck at tryin to keep from 
 laughin . "They say a man that can make 
 good in New York can make good any 
 where," he goes on, throwin the clutch 
 into high again. "/ say a man that can
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 33 
 
 make good anywhere can make good in 
 New York! What s the difference be 
 tween New York and Goose Creek, Iowa? 
 New York s got more people in it, that s 
 all! It s harder" 
 
 "Alex, Alex!" butts in the wife, finally 
 regainin control of her voice. "What is 
 the matter with you? You 
 
 "Hush!" says Alex, turnin back to Eve 
 again. "It s harder to make good in a lit 
 tle town than it is in a big one, because 
 
 "Alex, look here!" cuts in the wife, get- 
 tin sore. "Miss Rossiter ain t interested in 
 that patter of yours we re goin to the 
 theatre. Now both you men run along and 
 dress, we ll miss half the show as it is!" 
 
 "I ll be right back!" chirps Alex to 
 Eve. "Them eyes of yours is simply now 
 dumfoundin I" 
 
 I took Alex in my boudoir and while I m 
 gettin in the banquet uneyform, he takes a 
 thing that was a cross between a tuxedo and 
 a dress suit out of his bag and dolls up.
 
 34 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 When set for the street, Alex was no Greek 
 god, but he was fairly easy to look at, if 
 you closed one eye. He wanted to know 
 what kind of an entertainment they had at 
 the opry house this week, and I told him 
 I d show him somethin that had them 
 huskin bees, he was used to up in Vermont, 
 beat eighty ways from the jack. 
 
 Well, we go to the biggest musical show 
 on Broadway, and instead of faintin dead 
 away from joy, Alex claims it was rotten 
 and spent the night explainin to Eve how 
 he was gonna take New York the next 
 mornin . After the show we went to a cab 
 aret and still no rise out of Alex. He was 
 off the gay whirl, he says, and his idea of 
 a holiday was to sit beside his own fireside, 
 readin yesterday s mail, while his wife 
 made the room resound with melody by 
 hummin "Silver Threads Among The 
 Gold," the while knittin a doily for the 
 front-room table. 
 
 At this, Eve, which has been gazin at
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 35 
 
 Alex all night like he was Coney Island 
 and she was gettin her first peep, asks if he 
 was married. 
 
 "Don t crowd me!" he tells her, tappin 
 her arm playfully. "I ain t gonna get mar 
 ried till I make good. By to-morrow night, 
 though, I reckon I ll be in a position to talk 
 it over with you!" 
 
 "Ooooh!!" gasps Eve, turnin a becomin 
 shade of red. Can you tell me why them 
 big league dames fall for these guys like 
 Alex? If you can do that, I got an easy 
 one for you I wanna know who started the 
 world. From one flash at Eve, bein a mar 
 ried man, I could tell where she d be the 
 next night when Alex called and it 
 wouldn t be out! The next minute Eve 
 laughed and tells Alex if he s got as much 
 ability as he has nerve, he ought to have 
 New York on its ear in twenty-four hours. 
 The wife asks him will he kindly lay off 
 pesterin her girl friend to death and quit 
 boostin himself for a minute, because we
 
 36 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 was out for pleasure and he had played the 
 one record all night. 
 
 "Go on, Mister Hanley," butts in Eve, 
 "I love to hear you talk. You re so dif 
 ferent from any one else I ve met, and I 
 really believe you will do something big 
 here, because you re well new!" 
 
 "You have remarked somethin !" agrees 
 Alex. "I m gonna show em somethin 
 they never seen before and make em like 
 it!" 
 
 Well, he takes Eve home that night for 
 a starter, and the next mornin he s up 
 bright and early at seven, ready to startle 
 Manhattan. He said he wanted me to go 
 out with him and watch him win my eight 
 hundred bucks and also to notice the way 
 he worked. He picks up the mornin 
 paper, runs through the "Help Wanted" 
 columns for a minute and finally clears his 
 throat. 
 
 "Aha!" he says. "Listen to this 
 Wanted. High class automobile salesman
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 37 
 
 for the Gaflooey light delivery wagon. We 
 have no time for experiments and success 
 ful applicant must make good at once. We 
 don t want an order taker, but an order 
 maker a real, live, simon-pure hustler 
 who will start delivering the goods the 
 morning he goes on the payroll. This job 
 pays ten thousand a year, if you show us 
 you re worth it. Apply personally all day 
 and bring references. This is imperative. 
 We want to see your past record of sales 
 elsewhere. Ask for Mr. Grattan, 1346 
 Broadway. If you haven t the experience, 
 don t come! " 
 
 "Well?" I says. 
 
 He puts down the paper and reaches for 
 his hat. 
 
 "They ll probably be a lot after that 
 there job, hey?" he asks me. 
 
 "About four thousand, I d say offhand!" 
 I grins. 
 
 "Fine!" he says, rubbin his hands and 
 smilin , "I love competition because it puts
 
 38 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 a feller on his mettle. Now look here, if 
 I go down there and secure that job this 
 mornin , do I get your eight hundred dol 
 lars?" 
 
 "What?" I hollers. "What d ye mean, 
 do you get my eight hundred?" 
 
 "Listen!" he says. "The bet was that 
 I make good at the first thing I tackle, 
 wasn t it all right! Now this here job 
 looks good to me. Ten thousand a year is 
 nice money to start. If you re fair minded, 
 you ll admit that in goin after this job I m 
 up against a pretty stiff proposition. In 
 the first place I don t know no more about 
 automobiles than you do about raisin hogs. 
 I never sold one in my life. I don t know 
 a soul in New York outside of you, Cousin 
 Alice and that girl I took home last night, 
 so I can t furnish no references on my abil 
 ity as a salesman. The advertisement says 
 you have to have em. As you say, they ll 
 be thousands after that job. Fellers with 
 swell fronts, high soundin records in back
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 39 
 
 of em and gilt-edged references. Now 
 under all that handicap, if I walk in there 
 and get the job, won t you admit I made 
 good?" 
 
 "If you go down and ask for that job 
 and they turn you down, you ll pay me, eh?" 
 I asks him. 
 
 "At once!" he says, firmly. 
 
 "C mon, Alex!" I tells him, puttin on 
 my hat. "I hate to cop a sucker bet like 
 this, but maybe losin it will reduce the size 
 of your head a trifle and do you good!" 
 
 Once out in the street, he stretches his 
 arms, pulls his hat down hard over his dome 
 and stamps his feet. 
 
 "Watch me close!" he says. "Watch me 
 close and you ll get some valuable tips on 
 how to put yourself over. I told you I 
 was gonna be new just observe how I go 
 after this job. The average New Yorker 
 who wanted it would go right down to the 
 office, present his, now, credentials and ask 
 for it, wouldn t he?"
 
 40 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 I nodded. 
 
 "The early worm catches the fish, 
 y know!" I says; "and in New York here 
 the town that made pep and hustle fam 
 ous a man would be down there at six 
 a. m. waitin for the place to open. Why, 
 there s prob ly a hundred or more there 
 right now!" 
 
 "I hope there s a million!" he comes back. 
 "It ll be more satisfaction when they hire 
 me over all them others. Now I ain t goin 
 near that there office as yet. My system 
 gets away from the old stuff just keep 
 your eye on Cousin Alex from now on!" 
 
 He buys a newspaper, finds the automo 
 bile section and, finally, a big display ad 
 vertisement of the Gaflooey Auto Company. 
 He takes out a letter from his pocket and 
 on the back of it he marks the price, style, 
 and a lot of other dope about Gaflooey light 
 delivery wagons and then throws the paper 
 away. 
 
 "Now," he grins, "I m all ready, except to
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 41 
 
 give them folks my full name for the pay 
 roll!" 
 
 At that minute, somebody slaps me on 
 the back and I swing around to see Buck 
 Rice chucklin at me. Buck used to be one 
 of the best second basemen that ever picked 
 up a bat, till his legs went back on him and 
 he got into the automobile game. I re 
 member thinkin how funny it was that he 
 come along right then when me and Alex 
 was talkin about autos. 
 
 "Well, how are they breakin , Buck?" 
 I says, shakin hands and introducin Alex. 
 
 "I think I have fanned with the bases 
 loaded again," he laughs. "I put in five 
 hours to-day tryin to get the Mastadon De 
 partment Store to put in a line of six-cyl 
 inder Katzes on their delivery system. I 
 got a private tip that they re changin from 
 the Mutz-36 and the first order will be 
 about eighty cars. Of course that s a sweet 
 piece of money for somebody and every 
 body in New York will be there to-day
 
 42 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 tryin to grab that order off. You might 
 as well try to sell radiators in Hades though, 
 because Munson, the bird that does the pur- 
 chasin , is stuck on the Clarendon and he 
 wouldn t buy anything else if they was giv- 
 in em away!" 
 
 "Well, that s tough, Buck!" I sympa 
 thizes. 
 
 "Sure is!" he says, givin me and Alex a 
 quarter perfecto and grinnin some more to 
 show how disappointed he feels. "But I 
 should worry! If I lose that one, I ll get 
 another, so what s the difference?" He 
 turns to Alex, "Y know in New York here," 
 he confides, "we don t have no time to hold 
 no coroner s inquests over failures. We for 
 get about em and go after somethin else 
 always on the job, get me? You ll learn 
 after you re here a while that s what 
 makes the town what it is. If I stopped to 
 moan over every order I didn t put across, 
 I d be nowhere to-day. Nope, you can t do 
 that in New York!"
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 43 
 
 "Another of them there New Yorkers, 
 hey?" sneers Alex to me, after Buck has 
 blowed. "Don t you see how that feller 
 proves my argyment about how simple it 
 is to make good here? From the way he s 
 dressed them, now, diamonds and so forth 
 he s probably a big feller in his line. 
 Makin plenty of money and looked on as 
 a success by the ig rant. Yet he lets a big 
 order get away from him when it was 
 practically a cinch to land it!" 
 
 "Say, listen!" I yelps this bird was get- 
 tin on my nerves. "If four-flushin was 
 water, you d be the Pacific Ocean! You 
 gimme a pain with that line of patter you 
 got, and as far as salesmanship is con 
 cerned, I ll bet you couldn t sell a porter 
 house steak to a guy dyin of hunger. I d 
 like to see you land an order like Buck 
 spoke of, you 
 
 "That s just what you re gonna do!" he 
 butts in. "You re gonna see me land that
 
 44 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 very order he told us about what d ye 
 think of that, hey?" 
 
 I stopped dead and gazed upon him. 
 
 "You re gonna which?" I asks him. 
 
 "I m gonna land that order from that 
 department store!" he repeats, grabbin my 
 arm. "C mon show me how to get 
 there!" 
 
 I fell up against a lamp post and 
 laughed till a passin dame remarked to her 
 friend that it was an outrage the way some 
 guys drank. Then I led Alex to the sub 
 way. 
 
 "Listen," I says. "What about this job 
 you was gonna get? Of course you know 
 if you quit, I win the bet." 
 
 "Quit?" he says. "Where have I heard 
 the word before? Who said anything 
 about quittin ? I m gonna get that order 
 and I m gonna get that job!" 
 
 "Fair enough!" I tells him, "but you re 
 goin at the thing backwards. How are 
 you gonna take an order for autos when you
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 45 
 
 ain t got no autos to sell? I suppose you 
 figure on grabbin the ten thousand dollar 
 job first and then makin good with a loud 
 crash by landin the big order, eh?" 
 
 He shakes his head and sighs pityin ly. 
 
 "Would there be anything new and 
 original about that?" he asks. 
 
 "No!" I says, "there wouldn t! But I 
 don t see how you re gonna win out any 
 other way." 
 
 "Of course you don t!" he sneers. 
 "You re a New Yorker, ain t you? I m 
 supposed to be the rube, simply because I 
 wasn t born on Sixth Avenue. Now I al 
 ready told you my methods was new, didn t 
 I? Anybody would work the thing the 
 way you lay it out and probably land 
 neither the job nor the order. What a 
 chance would I have goin up there and 
 askin for that job first? Where would I 
 come out against all them sellin experts 
 with letters and so forth to prove it? Why, 
 they d laugh me outa the office! B-u-tf
 
 46 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 if I go to them with an order for fifty or 
 sixty of their cars as actual proof that I can 
 sell not only autos, but their autos, what will 
 they say, then? D ye see the point now? 
 They ask me for a reference and I reach in 
 my pocket and give them the order, which 
 I ve got before applyin for the ]ob, to prove 
 to myself and them that I can sell automo 
 biles!" 
 
 Oh, boy! 
 
 "Alex," I says, when I got my breath, "I 
 gotta hand it to you! When it comes to in- 
 ventin things, you got Edison lookin like 
 a backward pupil. Go to it, old kid! If 
 you put this over the way you have just told 
 it to me, you ll own Broadway in a week!" 
 
 "I m figurin on ten days!" he says. 
 
 We arrive at the Mastadon Department 
 Store and shoot up in the elevator to the 
 office of G. C. Munson, the general man 
 ager. Alex has been readin the notes he 
 made on Gaflooey delivery wagons like the 
 same was a French novel, and, by the time
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 47 
 
 we got there, he could repeat their adver 
 tisement by heart. He starts to breeze 
 right into the office and some dame appears 
 on the scene and nails him. 
 
 "One moment, please!" she says, very 
 cold givin Alex a look that took in every 
 thing from his hick clothes to his rube hair 
 cut. "This happens to be a private office. 
 Whom did you desire to see?" 
 
 "If I thought they was anybody prettier 
 than you here, I d ask to have them brought 
 out," says Alex, in that simple rube way of 
 his which give no offense, "but of course I 
 know that s impossible. Still, as long as 
 I m here, I d like to see Mister Munson." 
 
 The dame melts and releases a smile. 
 
 "What did you wish to see him about?" 
 she asks. 
 
 "About ten minutes," pipes Alex. "D ye 
 know there s somethin about them navy 
 blue eyes of yours that makes me think of 
 my mother isn t that funny?"
 
 48 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 The dame surrenders and shows Alex all 
 her nice front teeth. 
 
 "I ll see if Mister Munson is in," she says, 
 handin him a card, "but you ll have to fill 
 this out." 
 
 Akx looks at the card which had this on 
 it, 
 
 Mr 
 
 Desires to see 
 
 Regarding 
 
 He laughs suddenly, takes out his foun 
 tain pen and fills the thing out. Lookin 
 over his shoulder I seen him write this, 
 
 Mr Alex Hanley 
 
 Desires to see Mr. Munson. 
 
 Regarding .... The price of petrified 
 noodles in Siberia. 
 
 "There," he says, handin it to the girl 
 without a smile, "give that to Mister Mun 
 son."
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 49 
 
 She takes it in without lookin at it. 
 
 "Well, you crabbed any chance you might 
 of had, right off the bat!" I says to Alex. 
 "He ll get so sore when he reads that, he 
 won t even let you in." 
 
 "Let him get sore!" chirps Alex. "He ll 
 not only get sore, he ll get curious and then 
 again I m figurin on him bein human, be 
 sides bein general manager and havin a 
 sense of humor! He s probably been pest 
 ered with auto salesmen all day if I wrote 
 my real business on that card he d send word 
 he was out. As it is, he ll read it and he 
 won t be able to resist the, now, temptation 
 to get one look at a feller which would want 
 to know from a man in his position the 
 price of petrified noodles in Siberia. No 
 matter what happens afterwards, he ll want 
 one look wouldn t you?" 
 
 Before I can answer, the dame comes out 
 laughin . 
 
 "Step in," she says. "Mister Munson 
 will see you."
 
 50 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Now!" hisses Alex, as we ease in on the 
 velvet carpet. "Watch how I go about 
 sellin autos. Y see I got a nibble already 
 because I was new! I Howdy, Mister 
 Munson!" 
 
 We was in the private office. 
 
 Munson was a little, keen-faced guy- 
 bald, nervous and fat. He looks up over his 
 glasses with Alex s card in his hand and 
 Alex looks back. In one second they had 
 each found out all they wanted to know 
 about the other. 
 
 "What s the meaning of this nonsense?" 
 barks Munson. 
 
 Alex walks over to the desk, wets his lips 
 and gets goin . 
 
 "Mister Munson," he says, "if you called 
 on a man at his office, would you care to 
 write your business on a card for the office 
 boy to read? No you would not! A big 
 man like you would probably tear the card 
 up, leave the office in a, now, rage and never 
 return! You d be insulted, your, now, dig-
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 51 
 
 nity would be hurt, eh? You might be 
 from out of town and comin here to leave a 
 big order and that little thing prob ly in 
 vented by one of your New York efficiency 
 stars would make you so mad you d go 
 away and order where they wasn t so effi 
 cient, but a little more courteous! Look at 
 that card the, now, wordin of it. Look 
 how cold and hard it is! No warmth, no 
 glad - to - see - you - stranger what - can - 
 my-house-do-for-you? about it. It s like a 
 slap in the face! Maybe it does keep the 
 panhandlers away, but did you ever figure 
 how many orders it must have cost you, 
 hey?" 
 
 Munson has listened to every word, first 
 with a heavy frown and then with a kind of 
 thoughtful look on his face. He taps the 
 desk with a lead pencil, reads the card a 
 couple of times and then slams his fist on 
 the desk. 
 
 "By Peter, young man!" he snaps out sud 
 denly, "you may be right! The wording of
 
 52 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 that office blank is rather insulting, now that 
 I dissect it been too busy before to notice 
 it. Yes, sir, I would resent having my busi 
 ness blatted out before a whole staff of sub 
 ordinates I There must be some way, of 
 course, to keep out the hordes of jobless 
 and what not who would get in if it wasn t 
 for that blank and now, by the eternal, we ll 
 find one less liable to turn away gold with 
 the er grist! I thank you for the sug 
 gestion. And now, what did you want to 
 see me about?" 
 
 "Automobiles," says Alex, "and " 
 Munson freezes right up and slaps his 
 hands together. 
 
 "That s enough!" he snarls. "Perhaps 
 that office blank of ours is not so bad after 
 all! If you had filled it out properly, you 
 wouldn t be here. I ve heard enough about 
 autos to-day to last me for the rest of my 
 life. Yesterday, I mentioned casually, and 
 I thought in confidence, that we were con 
 sidering a change in our delivery system.
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 53 
 
 Beginning at eight this morning, there has 
 been a constant stream of automobile sales 
 men in this office! The only persons who 
 have not tried to sell me automobiles are 
 George Washington, Jack Dempsey and 
 Billy Sunday! I m quite sure every one 
 else has been here. The air has been filled 
 with magnetos, self-starters, sliding gear 
 transmissions, aluminum crank cases and 
 all that other damnable technical stuff that 
 goes with automobiles ! You need not open 
 your mouth I know exactly what your 
 sales talk is, they re all alike, more or less. 
 Your car is far and away the best on the 
 market, of course, and 
 
 "Excuse me, Mister Munson!" butts in 
 Alex. "You get me all wrong. Our car 
 the Gaflooey is not the best on the market. 
 There are others just as good and some of 
 the higher priced ones are, naturally, better. 
 You can t expect the best on the market for 
 the price we sell at 750. A man of your 
 intelligence knows that and when a sales-
 
 54 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 man tells you his five hundred dollar car is 
 better than a standard make at five thousand, 
 he s insulting your intelligence. We make 
 a good, honest car that s all. I ain t gonna 
 take up your time tellin you about the eh 
 ah the eh, magneto and so forth. Un 
 less you re a mechanic, you wouldn t under 
 stand about em anyways. All the parts 
 that go with any car are on ours, or it 
 wouldn t work that s understood. How 
 ever, as I said before, I ain t gonna take up 
 your time. I know how you New Yorkers 
 do business, and you ve probably made your 
 mind up already. You big men are all zip! 
 like that. Mind made up and nothin 
 can change you. Even if you do miss some- 
 thin good now and then, you don t mind be 
 cause you have the satisfaction of bein 
 known as a quick thinker. We just got in 
 a new consignment of cars to-day and if 
 you re interested our place is at 1346 Broad 
 way. Well, good-day, sir!" he winds up, 
 reachin for his hat.
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 55 
 
 "Wait!" says Munson, takin off his 
 glasses and wipin em. "You re a new one 
 on me, son! So you admit you haven t got 
 the greatest auto that was ever made, eh?" 
 he chuckles. "By Peter! That sounds 
 strange after all the talk I been listening to 
 to-day. If your car is as honest as you seem 
 to be, it s all right!" He sits lookin off in 
 the air, tappin the desk with the pencil 
 again. 
 
 Alex nudges me and we start for the door. 
 Halfway he stops and looks at a photo that s 
 framed over the desk. It s a picture of a 
 barn, some chickens and a couple of cows. 
 
 "Right fine landscape, that!" chirps Alex 
 to Munson. "Makes a feller like me home 
 sick to look at it. Them are sure fine Jer 
 seys, too and say, see them pullets, would 
 you!" 
 
 "That s my little farm down on Long 
 Island," says Munson, throwin out his chest. 
 "I suppose that makes you laugh, eh? Big, 
 grown New Yorker having a farm, eh?"
 
 56 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Mister," says Alex, sadly, "it don t make 
 me laugh! I was raised on a farm in Ver 
 mont and 
 
 "That so?" cuts in Munson, lookin inter 
 ested. "Country boy, eh?" 
 
 "Yep," goes on Alex. "Now, speakin of 
 them pullets there if you d try em on a 
 straight diet of bran and potatoes pound 
 of each they ll fatten up quicker." 
 
 "Yes?" pipes Munson, brightenin up 
 some more. "Well, well! And hmph! 
 Thanks, Mister Hanley, I ll make a note of 
 that. Now eh sit down a minute! I 
 don t want to take your time, but eh, what 
 did you find best back home for saving the 
 young chicks? What foods " 
 
 "I ll just leave you a few little rules," says 
 Alex, his eyes glitterin , as he rams his el 
 bow a mile in my ribs. "I got to call on an 
 other department store this afternoon, where 
 I m almost certain to take an order and 
 
 "Young man!" Munson shuts him off,
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 57 
 
 "I m frank enough to say that you ve made 
 a very favorable impression on me. You re 
 honest about your car, and you didn t try 
 to overawe me by hurling a lot of unin 
 telligible technical terms into my ear. You 
 don t claim it s the bargain of the age. 
 Now we have recently inaugurated right 
 here in this store a policy of absolute honesty 
 with regard to our merchandise. No mis 
 representations are permitted. We sell our 
 goods for what they are we don t allow a 
 clerk to tell a customer that he s getting a 
 five-dollar shirt for two dollars. I can t 
 get the car I want to put in here they want 
 too much money and their salesman spent 
 most of his time here speaking in terms that 
 none but a master mechanic on their own 
 auto would understand. I m a pretty good 
 judge of character and you look good to 
 me. Give me a price on fifty of your cars 
 for immediate delivery and well, let s hear 
 your figures!"
 
 58 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Alex drops his hat on the floor, but when 
 he picked it up, he was as cool as a dollar s 
 worth of ice. 
 
 "Just a minute," he says, sittin down and 
 reachin for a desk telephone. He gets the 
 Gaflooey Company on the wire. 
 
 "Hello!" he says. "Say I want a lump 
 price on fifty delivery wagons what? 
 never mind who this is, if the price is right 
 I ll come up." He winks at Munson like 
 he s lettin him in on somethin and, by 
 gravy, -Munson winks back! "Yes fifty," 
 says Alex on the wire. "Thirty-five thou 
 sand dollars? thank you!" He hangs up 
 the phone and turns to Munson. "They ll 
 give you twenty-five hundred off, accordin 
 to that figure," he says. 
 
 Munson grabs up a pad and writes some- 
 thin on it. 
 
 "There !" he says, givin it to Alex. "Tell 
 em to get as many cars over here to-morrow 
 as they can. Get your bill and I ll O. K. it. 
 Now " he pulls his chair over closer,
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 59 
 
 "About those chicks and oh, yes, I want 
 your opinion on some figures I have here on 
 my truck 
 
 An hour later, me and Alex walks into the 
 salesroom of the Gaflooey Automobile Com 
 pany. I was in a trance, and if he had of 
 promised to lift the Singer Buildin with 
 one hand I would of laid the world eight to 
 five he could do it! The whole place is in 
 confusion salesmen chasin around, tele- 
 phonin and actin like they just heard they 
 was a bomb in the basement. Alex asks for 
 the manager, and some guy chances over and 
 asks what he wants. 
 
 "I have come for that ten thousand a year 
 job you advertised this mornin ," says Alex. 
 
 "Job?" howls the manager, glarin at him. 
 "You poor boob, can t you see how busy we 
 are here now? We just got a tip on a real 
 order fifty cars, and we can t trace the 
 thing!" He rubs his hands together. 
 "Fifty cars! That s how the Gaflooey sells 
 fifty at a time!" He sneers at Alex.
 
 60 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Your approach is terrible!" he says. 
 "You ll never land a job in this town like 
 that, my boy. Go somewhere first and 
 learn how to interest a busy man with the 
 first thing you say and" 
 
 "Listen!" butts in Alex. "Gimme that 
 job, will you, or I ll have to go somewhere 
 else." 
 
 The manager laughs, as a couple of sales 
 men come along and join him. They all 
 sneer at Alex and the manager nudges his 
 minions and winks. 
 
 "So you think you re a ten thousand dollar 
 auto salesman, eh?" he says. "Ah who 
 can you refer to?" He makes a bluff at 
 takin down notes. 
 
 "Mister Munson, of the Mastadon De 
 partment Store," says Alex. 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha!" roars the manager. "De 
 partment store, eh that s rich! You quit 
 the shirtwaist -department to sell autos, eh? 
 Ha, ha, ha! What does a department store
 
 INTRODUCING ALEX 61 
 
 manager know of your ability to sell 
 autos?" he snarls. 
 
 "Well, I just sold him fifty of yours!" 
 remarks Alex. "So I thought 
 
 "What?" shrieks the manager, grabbin 
 his arm. 
 
 Alex hands over the order Munson give 
 him. 
 
 "Now before I go to work here," he says, 
 "it might be a good idea to let me look over 
 one of your cars, because, to tell you the 
 truth, I ain t never seen one of em in my 
 life!" 
 
 Well, they had Munson on the phone in 
 a minute and in another one the manager 
 hangs up the receiver and comes back. 
 
 "Do I get the job?" asks Alex. 
 
 "Do you get the job I" yells friend man 
 ager, slappin him on the back. "No, you 
 don t get it only if you leave here without 
 signing your name to a five-year contract 
 and accepting a check for fifteen hundred
 
 62 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 dollars commission and as much more as 
 you want to draw on your expense account, 
 I ll I ll murder you! But first, you 
 lunch with me at the Fitz-Barlton and 
 we ll map out a campaign 
 
 "Gimme that eight hundred I" says Alex 
 to me. 
 
 I passed it over still semi-conscious. 
 
 Alex stretches his arms, puts the money 
 away and grins. 
 
 "Get me that Eve girl on the phone, will 
 you?" he tells me. "I I had a little bet 
 with her, too!" He lights the cigar Buck 
 Rice had give him in the mornin , blows 
 out some smoke and looks over at Broad 
 way, jammed with the matinee crowd. 
 "Some burg!" he says, shakin his head and 
 grinnin at me!
 
 T 
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 
 HERE S nothin the world loves so much 
 
 as a good tryer. I don t mean the 
 birds that havin everything in their favor, 
 includin a ten-mile start, finishes first in 
 the Big Race I m talkin about the guys 
 that never get better than second or third, 
 but generally land in the money. The old 
 Consistent Charlies that, no matter how 
 many times they re beaten, figures the time 
 to quit is when you re dead and buried! 
 
 Did you ever stop to think that the tryers 
 which never get nowhere is responsible for 
 the other guys success? They re the ba 
 bies that make a race or a fight out of it, 
 and if it wasn t for them dubs there d be 
 no successes at all. In order to have win 
 ners, we got to have losers, don t we? And 
 
 63
 
 64 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 don t forget that yesterday s losers are to 
 morrow s winners and vice-president or vice 
 versa, whatever it is. 
 
 A fighter knows that these birds which 
 come up smilin no matter how many times 
 he drops em for the count is as dangerous 
 as dynamite, until he knocks em cold. No 
 matter how bad this loser may be battered 
 up, he s always got a chance while he s try- 
 in . I ve seen guys that was winnin by 
 two miles curl up and quit before a dub 
 they had beaten till the crowd was yellin 
 for mercy, simply because this poor 
 bunged-up simp kept comin in all the 
 time battered, bloody, drunk with wallops 
 but try in up to the last bell! 
 
 Now these guys may never get nowhere, 
 but they re the birds that s put most of 
 the guys that do where they are. Why? 
 Think it over! You gotta be good to beat 
 them birds, don t you-? They make compe 
 tition keen, they keep the other guys on their 
 toes, they re the gasoline that keeps the old
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 65 
 
 world goin forward on high and the birds 
 that get over are only the chauffeurs. You 
 gotta have both to run the car and the uni 
 verse wouldn t move forward six inches if 
 we didn t have one failure for every suc 
 cess. 
 
 So if you ve failed to set the world on 
 fire up to date, don t walk out on the dock 
 to see what kind of a jump it is. If you 
 can t be a winner, you can be a good loser 
 and it s a toss-up which is the bigger thing I 
 A guy who can beat the yellah streak we 
 all pack somewheres, every time he fails 
 to register a win, and will keep rememberin 
 that to-morrow has got yesterday beat 
 eighty-seven ways, is no loser! On paper 
 he mightn t be a winner, but he is. He s 
 a bigger winner than the bird that gets over, 
 because he s whipped the quit in him with 
 out no kind applause to cheer him on. I ve 
 seen losers that attracted more attention in 
 runnin last than any six winners in the same 
 precinct.
 
 66 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Them kind of birds can t help tryin . 
 They couldn t quit if they wanted to, which 
 they don t! They got somethin in em that 
 keeps shovin em along whether they re re- 
 grettin the breaks or not. They re always 
 full of the old ambish no matter what the 
 score is in the ninth. They re what you 
 might call self-starters in the automobile of 
 life they don t need a win now and then 
 to crank em up, they keep goin forward 
 hittin on all cylinders from the nursery to 
 the embalmer! 
 
 Alex was one of them guys. 
 
 The Big Town fell for his stuff because 
 it was neiv, the same as it will fall for yours 
 to-morrow if you get somethin it never seen 
 and the nerve to try it out! 
 
 About a month after Alex was workin 
 as head salesman for the Gaflooey Auto 
 Company at a pittance of ten thousand a 
 year, he come up to the flat for dinner one 
 night. I seen right away that somethin 
 was wrong, because he only eat about half
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 67 
 
 of the roast duck and brung aloag his own 
 cigars. After nature could stand no more, 
 and we had dragged ourselves away from 
 the table to let the servant girl make good, 
 we adjourn to the parlor and the wife gets 
 ready to punish the neighbors with the vic- 
 trola. 
 
 "Well," says Alex, sittin down in the 
 only rocker, of course, "it looks like they 
 have finally gimme somethin that even / 
 can t do!" 
 
 "Can that be possible?" I says, pickin 
 up the sportin final. 
 
 "Wait till you hear this one!" remarks 
 the wife, crankin up the victrola. "John 
 McCormack singin If Beauty Was Water, 
 You d Be Niagara Falls! It s a knock 
 out!" 
 
 "Say!" snorts Alex, gettin peeved. 
 "Can t a man find no attention here?" 
 
 "Look in the telephone book under the 
 A s," I says. 
 
 "Never mind, dearie!" the wife tells him.
 
 68 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "I ll listen. What s on your mind?" She 
 goes over and sits on the arm of his chair, 
 knowin full well it gets my goat. 
 
 "I see you re the only one in this family 
 that s got any sense!" pipes Alex, pattin her 
 hand. 
 
 "Yefi," I says, "I ain t got enough sense 
 to turn on a radiator. All I m good for is 
 to get the dollars, which of course is nothin 
 at all in keepin up the home!" 
 
 "Well, you ll never have Rockefeller and 
 that crowd gnashin their teeth with all the 
 dollars you ll get!" says Alex, "and that 
 ain t no lie!" 
 
 "Now, boys," butts in the wife, "let s all 
 be friends even if we do belong to the same 
 family. What is it, Alex? Speak up like 
 
 a man." 
 
 "Well," he says, "the Gaflooey people 
 has started to make tourin cars and road 
 sters! What d ye think of that?" 
 
 "I m simply dumfounded!" I says. 
 "Has Congress heard about this?"
 
 She s going to marry me, she s going to marry me! 
 See page 262
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 69 
 
 "There you go again!" snorts Alex. 
 "Always tryin to ridicule everything I do. 
 It s simply a case of sour grapes with you 
 jealousy, that s all !" 
 
 "Sour grapes ain t jealousy," I says. 
 "Sour grapes is brandy. Go on with your 
 story, Alex." 
 
 "Don t mind him," whispers the wife in 
 his ear. "He d laugh in church!" 
 
 "Why not?" I says. "I ain t done no 
 gigglin since you and me first went there 
 together." 
 
 "Will you let go?" she says. "Go on, 
 Alex." 
 
 "Well," he says, "they called me into the 
 president s office to-day, and the former be 
 gins by tellin me I m the best salesman they 
 ever had." 
 
 "He don t care what he says, does he?" I 
 butts in. "I suppose you admitted the 
 charge, eh?" 
 
 "After that," goes on Alex, snubbin me, 
 "he tells me they have decided to get into
 
 70 
 
 the pleasure car game, instead of just mak- 
 in trucks and the like. Their first offerin 
 is gonna be one of them chummy, clover- 
 leaf roadsters which will hold five people 
 comfortably." 
 
 "If they re well acquainted!" I says. 
 
 "Will you leave the boy alone?" asks the 
 wife. "I never saw anybody like you in my 
 life!" 
 
 "Don t I know it?" I says. "Otherwise, 
 how would we ever of got married?" 
 
 "Now," goes on Alex, "they want me to 
 go up and see Runyon Q. Sampson, the 
 well-to-do millionaire, and get him to buy 
 the first car. You can imagine what a ter 
 rible good advertisement that will be for 
 us if he should buy it, can t you?" 
 
 "It ll be O. K. till he tries to ride in it," 
 I says, "and then the chances are you ll 
 have to leave town and the Gaflooey peo 
 ple will be facin a suit!" 
 
 "There ain t another car on the market 
 that can hold a match to the Gaflooey!"
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 71 
 
 hollers Alex, his goat prancin madly about. 
 
 "What s it made out of celluloid?" I 
 says. 
 
 "You may think you re funny I" he tells 
 me, "but that s nothin more or less than 
 ig rance. Here I am wastin valuable time 
 tryin to explain somethin to Cousin Alice 
 and you keep interruptin till a man don t 
 know where he s at! Let s see now, where 
 was I?" he asks the wife. 
 
 "The beautiful and good-lookin princess 
 had just promised to wed you," I says, "but 
 the crusty old king couldn t see into it!" 
 
 The wife throws a pillow at me and it 
 busted a vase that cost me three hundred 
 green certificates. After a short brawl 
 over the remains, I laid off Alex and he 
 went ahead. 
 
 "As I said before," he goes on, "the presi 
 dent of the Gaflooey Company has selected 
 me to go up and sell old Sampson this here 
 chummy roadster. If I land the order, 
 which naturally enough I will, it means I
 
 72 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 get made manager of the New York sales 
 rooms. Then me and Eve Rossiter will 
 prob ly get married and r 
 
 "What?" squeals the wife. "Are you 
 and Eve engaged? And she never said a 
 word to me!" 
 
 "How could she?" I says. "When he 
 prob ly had her doped?" 
 
 "No, we ain t engaged," says Alex. "I 
 ain t even asked the girl will she be mine 
 yet." 
 
 "Then how do you know she ll marry 
 you?" asks the wife. 
 
 "Well," says Alex, "I figure if you mar 
 ried this here pest, I ought to be able to 
 marry anybody! But what I m up against 
 is this I got to take one of them roadsters 
 up there to-day and demonstrate it to Samp 
 son. They have gone to work and made an 
 appointment for me, and what I don t know 
 about automobiles would fill seven large 
 libraries. Here I m supposed to show 
 Mister Sampson the points on our car which
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 73 
 
 is better than any other and I can t tell the 
 windshield from the magneto. Now d ye 
 blame me for bein worried?" 
 
 "I thought you was the world s greatest 
 salesman," I sneers. "You don t mean to 
 say this job has got you yellin for the police 
 already, do you? What are you gonna do, 
 quit?" 
 
 "Speak English !" he comes back. "That 
 word quit don t belong in our language. 
 Who said anything about quittin ? Even 
 though I don t know a thing about auto 
 mobiles, I m gonna sell Runyon Q. Samp 
 son a Gaflooey chummy roadster. A fel 
 ler don t need knowledge to be a success half 
 as much as he needs confidence and I got 
 more confidence than a feller shootin at 
 a barn with a double-barrelled shot gun. 
 Anyhow, I ll betcha a rich millionaire like 
 Sampson don t know any too much about 
 automobiles himself, bein too busy with 
 makin money and the like, eh?" 
 
 "I suppose you re gonna make him think
 
 74 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 that you know more about them gas buck- 
 boards than the guy which wrote em, eh?" 
 I says. 
 
 " You ll never get nowhere 1" he answers, 
 lookin at me like how can a guy live and be 
 so thick behind the ears. "You ll never be 
 nothin but an average citizen, because you 
 never get a .new idea! No, I ain t gonna 
 make Sampson think / know more about 
 automobiles than -anybody in the world 
 that s what has queered many a sale. I m 
 gonna make him think he does, and that him 
 buyin our roadster proves itl" 
 
 "I ll be-t you could make Rockefeller 
 think they wasn t a nickel in oil!" says the 
 wife admirin ly. 
 
 Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. 
 
 "If they was enough money in it for me, 
 I d try it," he says, "and that ain t no lie!" 
 
 I didn t see Alex till the next mornin and 
 then he blows in the flat. 
 
 "Hello!" he says. "Here you are as 
 usual, loafin away the hull mornin . It s
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 75 
 
 almost eight o clock, d ye know that?" 
 
 "Sure!" I says. "You can t get me on 
 that one. The answer is seven fifty-five!" 
 
 "What d ye mean, seven fifty-five?" he 
 asks. 
 
 "Ain t seven fifty-five almost eight 
 o clock," I says, "and didn t you ask me if 
 I knew it?" 
 
 "Ain t he clever?" says the wife, pattin 
 me on the back. 
 
 Alex looks at me in open disgust. 
 
 "If that s bein clever," he says, "I m a 
 professor from Harvard! Where d ye get 
 that stuff?" 
 
 "It s a gift!" I says. "What are you do- 
 in here this hour of the day?" 
 
 "Hurry up and git through eatin ," he 
 says, "I want you to take a ride with me." 
 
 "What have you been pinched for?" I 
 says. 
 
 "Will you leave him be?" butts in the 
 wife. "Don t mind him, Alex, he ll go 
 with you. Where are you going?"
 
 76 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Up to Runyon Q. Sampson s to sell him 
 a Gaflooey roadster," says Alex. "I got the 
 car right outside now. Just wait till you 
 git a look at it, you ll be crazy to buy one 
 yourself I" 
 
 "You said it!" I tells him, puttin on my 
 coat. "I certainly would be crazy if I 
 bought one of them! Who s gonna drive 
 this up there?" 
 
 "I got a mechanic from the shop," says 
 Alex. "A feller which knows so much 
 about automobiles that he could take a pair 
 of pliers and a lug wrench and go clear to 
 Frisco with nothin else!" 
 
 "Not even a car, eh?" I says. "Some 
 mechanic!" 
 
 "Be still!" says the wife. "Well, Alex, 
 I certainly hope you have all kinds of luck. 
 Let me know how you make out, will you?" 
 
 "Sure!" I tells her. "Call up police 
 headquarters in about an hour and you ll 
 prob ly be able to get all the details, right 
 off the blotter."
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 77 
 
 We go outside and there s the Gaflooey 
 chummy roadster leanin right up against 
 the curb. It looked like it might be a reg 
 ular automobile when it grew up, but just 
 then it seemed like it had been snatched 
 from the cradle before its features was 
 fully formed. Two of them roadsters 
 would of made a nice pair of roller skates 
 and the expense for tires must of been prac 
 tically nothin , because the ones that was 
 on it looked like a set of washers. The 
 body was painted yellah and the trimmin s 
 was in Alice blue and catsup red. 
 
 In the front seat is this guy which Alex 
 claimed was the world s greatest mechanic. 
 You could see that at a glance anyhow, be 
 cause he was dressed in a pair of overalls 
 that had lasted him ever since he first broke 
 into the automobile game and he carried 
 about three quarts of medium oil on his face 
 and hands. 
 
 "Well," says Alex, throwin out his chest, 
 "what d ye think old Runyon Q. Sampson
 
 78 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 will say when he casts his eye over that, 
 eh?" 
 
 "You d only get sore if I told you," I 
 says, "but I ll say this much, Alex. If you 
 can sell him that mechanical toy there on 
 the pretense that it s an automobile, I m go- 
 in up to-morrow and sell him Grant s 
 Tomb for a paperweight!" 
 
 "Git in," pipes Alex, "and stop knock- 
 
 in !" 
 
 "I won t have to knock after we get 
 started that s if we do," I tells him, forcin 
 myself into the rear, "the motor will look 
 after that!" 
 
 Alex nudges the mechanic. 
 
 "This here s my cousin," he tells him. 
 "He ain t a bad feller in spite of that." 
 
 He turns around to me, "Joe," he says, 
 "I want you to meet Mister Eddie Worth, 
 the best man on gas engines that ever burnt 
 his hands on an exhaust pipe!" 
 
 "Greetin s, Eddie!" I says, shakin hands
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 79 
 
 with him and gettin a half pound of grease 
 for nothin . 
 
 "Gimme a cigarette!" answers Eddie. "I 
 been waitin here an hour for youse guys. 
 The motor is prob iy all cold now and the 
 starter may gimme an argument." 
 
 He gets out and monkeys around the front 
 of the car. 
 
 "Ain t it nice and roomy back there?" 
 Alex asks me. 
 
 I moved my knees away from my chin 
 so s I could talk. 
 
 "Great!" I says. "Only the Gaflooey 
 people is liable to get in trouble on account 
 of them coppin the design from somebody 
 else." 
 
 "What d ye mean?" he asks me, lookin 
 puzzled. 
 
 "Well," I tells him, "you gotta admit that 
 the seatin arrangements back here is a dead 
 steal from a can of sardines!" 
 
 "Did you ever see anything you couldn t 
 find fault with?" he sneers.
 
 8o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Yeh," I says. "I once got three nickels 
 in change for a dime." 
 
 At this critical moment, the mechanic 
 gets down on his hands and knees in the 
 street and begins to worry the car like a 
 dog with a bone. Then all of a sudden he 
 crawls underneath it and disappears from 
 the public eye. A lot of shippin clerks, 
 bookkeepers, salesgirls, brokers, lawyers 
 and the like, on their way downtown to 
 their jobs, figures that you can go to work 
 any day, but an auto bein fixed calls for 
 immediate attention and gets around us in 
 a circle. This seemed to get Alex s goat, 
 but it was huckleberry pie to the mechanic. 
 He crawls out from under, rolls up his 
 sleeves, ruffles his hair, looks over the crowd 
 and rubs his hands together. 
 
 "Gimme a cigarette!" he says. "And 
 reach down in that tool box there and hand 
 me up them pliers, a couple of S wrenches, 
 the hammer and a screwdriver!" 
 
 The crowd sighs with delight, but Alex
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 81 
 
 leaps off the seat like they was bees in the 
 upholstery. 
 
 "What d ye want all them there tools 
 for?" he yells. "Stop this monkey busi 
 ness, I m an hour late now! What s the 
 matter with the car?" 
 
 The mechanic looks around at the crowd 
 and shakes his head pityin ly. They give 
 Alex the laugh, and a manicure tells her 
 friend that if she was the mechanic she 
 wouldn t bother with it, but would make 
 Alex fix it himself for gettin so bold. 
 
 "What s the matter with the car?" re 
 peats th nechanic, waggin his head from 
 side to side with a sarcastic movement. 
 "It s been abused, that s all! I ain t had 
 time to go over it carefully ; it ll have to be 
 towed down to the shop where we can git 
 it up on jacks and take it apart. I found 
 a leak in the radiator, the bolts is missin 
 from the muffler, there s a crack in the rear 
 housin and the clutch seems to grind a 
 bit."
 
 82 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Alex grits his teeth and grabs hold of the 
 windshield. 
 
 "Is that all?" he hisses. 
 
 "Well, not all, no!" says the mechanic, 
 scratchin his chin. "They must be a 
 couple of pins sheered off of the differential 
 and the" 
 
 "They ain t no sich a thing!" roars Alex. 
 "This here s a brand new car, right from 
 our factory you wooden-headed fule! 
 It ain t been run a mile and they ain t a 
 thing the matter with it, not even a scratch 
 on the paint! You was sent up here to 
 drive this car, not to wreck it. You 
 
 "Hey, don t git to callin me no wooden- 
 headed fool!" hollers the mechanic, jumpin 
 around and wavin the pliers. "That s 
 against the union rules, and you ll get the 
 worst of it if I bring it before the board. 
 They must be some mistake here. I 
 thought you wanted me to look over this 
 boat for your friend here and see what it 
 needed. How d I know you only wanted
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 83 
 
 me to drive? I ain t no mind-reader, I m 
 a mechanic and -" 
 
 "Shut up!" says Alex; "and drive us out 
 to Tarrytown. As a matter of fact, the 
 car s all right, ain t it?" 
 
 "Certainly!" says the mechanic. "Ain t 
 it a new one? Gimme a cigarette and I ll 
 see if I can get this tin can here to roll." 
 
 It s just about eighteen miles as the 
 pigeon soars from where we started to Run- 
 yon Q. Sampson s country home at Tarry- 
 town, and we fled up there in two hours. 
 This car was a wonder on hills, that is it s 
 a wonder we got up em at all. We 
 climbed most of em with the emergency 
 brake on so s we wouldn t slip back to the 
 garage, and I figured that the car must of 
 been painted yellah in honor of the motor, 
 which quit like a dog every time the goin 
 got rough. The mechanic drives us in 
 through the entrance of Sampson s domi 
 cile, as we remark at the garage, and then 
 stops for encouragement before goin
 
 84 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 further. Alex elects me to go up and no 
 tify Sampson that we re all set to show him 
 the Gaflooey chummy roadster, while he 
 and the mechanic stays behind to look over 
 the car and see that everything is workin 
 fairly perfect. I got as far as the porch 
 and a guy in a drum-major s uneyform with 
 out the hat nails me. He was as big as 
 the Woolworth Buildin and just as emo 
 tional. He looked like what them stage 
 butlers tries to. 
 
 "What would you wish ?" he asks, friendly 
 as a traffic cop to a taxi-driver. 
 
 "Well, if I thought they was any use," I 
 says, "I d wish I had a million bucks, but 
 as it is, I d like to see Runyon Q. Sampson, 
 your master." 
 
 "Step this way!" he says, startin to walk 
 ahead. 
 
 "I can t step that way!" I says, watchin 
 him close. "It must be a gift. I ll have 
 to folley you in my own way on account of 
 havin a blowout in my rubber heels an
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 85 
 
 Just then a little bald-headed guy with 
 one of them short gray mustaches which 
 the wealthy banker wears in the movies, 
 crosses our path and the big feller stops and 
 salutes him. 
 
 "Gentleman to see you, sir," he says. 
 
 "Hmph!" grunts Runyon Q. Sampson, 
 which is who the little guy was, as the gentle 
 readers has prob ly guessed. "I can t see 
 any one now. I have an appointment this 
 afternoon to 
 
 "I guess I m that appointment," I butts 
 in, u or part of it, anyways. Was you ex- 
 pectin to look over a Gaflooey chummy 
 roadster?" 
 
 "Well, what of it?" he snaps. 
 
 "My lord, the carriage awaits!" I says, 
 makin a bow. "Folley me and you ll go 
 motorin !" 
 
 "Are you the agent?" he asks, as we walk 
 back over the lawn. 
 
 "No," I says, "I m his cousin. He s car- 
 ryin me along for luck or somethin . We
 
 86 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 also have a mechanic with us in case of fire. 
 Are you fond of automobilin ?" 
 
 "Much more so than of conversation!" 
 he barks. 
 
 "That stops me!" I s-ays. "I m dumb 
 from now on. What is it who s this says? 
 Silence is golden, speech is human ain t 
 it?" 
 
 We have reached the car by this time, and 
 Alex steps forward. 
 
 "Good morning, Mister Sampson!" he 
 says. "I want to thank you for the com 
 pany and myself, for volunteering your 
 judgment as to whether our new model 
 chummy roadster is a good car or not." 
 
 Sampson walks around it a couple of 
 times, opens the hood, looks at the motor 
 and sniffs. 
 
 "It s entirely too small!" he announces. 
 "The body is grotesque, the paint is a hor 
 rible color and the chassis seems out of 
 alignment." 
 
 "Exactly what I thought you would say!"
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 87 
 
 agrees Alex, noddin his head like Sampson 
 had raved over the car. "We will make 
 any changes you suggest. After all, you ll 
 be the one to use it and that makes you the 
 one to be pleased. We have custom made 
 suits, shoes and shirts why not custom 
 made automobiles?" 
 
 "Hmph!" grunts Sampson. 
 
 "I ll fall," I says, hopin to break the em- 
 barrassin silence. "Why not?" 
 
 "Shut up !" hisses Alex. "Would you al 
 low us to give you a little spin?" he asks. 
 
 "Ha, ha!" pipes the mechanic all of a 
 sudden. "That s a hot one, ain t it?" he 
 grins at Sampson. "Sure, old top, we ll 
 give you a spin!" he says, jabbin the floor 
 board with his feet. "That s if this boiler 
 will roll. Some of you guys will have to 
 give the motor a little spin, if you want 
 to go away from here. She s gone cold on 
 me again! Gimme a cigarette, will you?" 
 
 Alex presented him with a glance that 
 would of froze boilin oil.
 
 88 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Step right in, Mister Sampson," he says. 
 "We ll run around the roads here and 
 
 "We ll do nothing of the sort!" snaps 
 Sampson. "I ve got to be at my office by 
 three o clock and you can drive me down 
 there. In that way I ll be wasting no time 
 and I can see what your car can do through 
 traffic as well as on the road." 
 
 "Elegant!" says Alex. "Step right in." 
 
 Runyon Q. Sampson steps right in and 
 after gettin a cigarette from me, the 
 mechanic steps on the gas. We run every 
 bit of a hundred yards across the lawn and 
 then all of a sudden the Gaflooey roadster 
 stops deader than Columbus. The me 
 chanic tried everything from blowin the 
 horn to crawlin underneath it again, but 
 they was nothin stirrin . 
 
 "Well," he says to Alex, finally, "there s 
 only one way we can get away from here 
 now!" 
 
 "What s that?" asks Alex, bendin down 
 so s Runyon Q. Sampson won t hear it.
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 89 
 
 "By freight!" says the mechanic. "It 
 seems to me that one of them rear axles has 
 gone to work and busted on us." 
 
 "Listen to me," says Alex. "Get us away 
 from here right away and there s ten dol 
 lars extry in it for you!" 
 
 "Now you re talkin sense!" says the 
 mechanic. "Gimme a cigarette." 
 
 He grabs up the tool box and hides him 
 self under the car again, while Runyon Q. 
 Sampson begins to fidget around and look 
 at his watch like it was the first one he ever 
 seen. 
 
 Twenty minutes passed, folleyed by thirty 
 more, and still this mechanic is under 
 the car, makin sounds like he was fillin 
 a rush order for tin pans. Alex is as 
 nervous as a cop makin his first pinch and 
 our friend Sampson begins sayin things 
 about the Gaflooey roadster that would 
 never of been used by the builders as testi 
 monials. Finally, Alex whispers to me 
 will I get underneath and see what the
 
 9 o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 world s champion auto mechanic is doin 
 to while away the time. 
 
 I got out and looked under and Oh, 
 boy! 
 
 This bird is layin on the ground under 
 the car, readin a dope book on the races! 
 He s got the book in one hand and a ham 
 mer in the other and every now and then he 
 reaches back and wallops the dirt pan, 
 without lookin , so s it ll sound like he s 
 fixin things up. 
 
 "What seems to be the trouble?" I asks 
 him. 
 
 "I think Dimpled Dan is like money 
 from home in the first race to-day," he says, 
 "provided they what what are you doin 
 here?" he winds up, droppin the book. 
 
 "Git outa there!" I hollers. "If you re a 
 mechanic, I m Christopher Columbus!" 
 
 "What d ye expect for seventy cents an 
 hour Edison?" he growls. 
 
 Runyon Q. Sampson has took it all in and
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 91 
 
 now he lets out a beller and leaps from the 
 car. 
 
 "You infernal idiot!" he bawls at poor 
 Alex. "You ve made me miss my appoint 
 ment. What do you mean by taking up my 
 time with this travesty on an automobile? 
 Why, the thing can t even move! If this 
 is the way it performs when it s fresh from 
 your factory, what can a man expect when 
 it s a few weeks old?" 
 
 "Maybe it ain t ripe enough yet," I butts 
 in, hopin to save the situation. "It does 
 look kinda young, don t it?" 
 
 "Silence!" roars Runyon Q. "I wouldn t 
 buy one of your cars if they were selling 
 at three cents a carload! That s final! 
 Don t you dare come up and bother me 
 again. Get this pile of junk off my place 
 here just as fast as you can, or, by the eter 
 nal, I ll have you all arrested for trespass 
 ing!" 
 
 With them few remarks he stamps off 
 across the lawn, bellerin like a bull.
 
 92 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Well, Alex," I says, "at last you have hit 
 somethin in little old New York that you 
 can t do, eh?" 
 
 "That old boob gimme a pain anyways!" 
 remarks the mechanic. "What does he 
 know about machinery? Gimme a ciga 
 rette !" 
 
 Alex sits down on the runnin board of 
 the Gaflooey chummy roadster and lights 
 a cigar. He puffs away, lookin off in the 
 air kinda sad and mournful, like he had 
 just been handed a wire readin , "Father 
 has told all. We are lost. Agnes," or 
 somethin to that effect. Even though he 
 was a relative of the wife s and had spent 
 every minute since he hit New York con- 
 fessin to bein a world beater, I felt sorry 
 for him! Runyon Q. Sampson was off the 
 Gaflooey people for life, and Alex had fell 
 down on the biggest thing he d tried yet. 
 I knew how he must of felt about it, so I 
 went over and slapped him on the back. 
 
 "Cheer up, Alex," I says. "I know that
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 93 
 
 was a tough one to lose, but a guy can t fin 
 ish in front all the time! You know you 
 ain t up in dear old Vermont now and this 
 town s much harder to beat than the aver 
 age. I told you that when you first come 
 here. I knowed it was only a question of 
 time before you d hit the bumps every 
 body does sooner or later in New York 
 and then you " 
 
 Alex gets up and throws away the cigar. 
 
 "All I hope," he says. "All I hope is 
 that the one they deliver to him works all 
 right!" 
 
 "Deliver to who?" I says. 
 
 "Runyon Q. Sampson!" he comes back. 
 "I come up here to sell that feller a Ga- 
 flooey chummy roadster and that s what 
 I m a goin to dew! I ll have his check 
 before the end of the week. I don t know 
 how I m gonna do it now, but in some way 
 this here sale is gonna occur, you can gamble 
 on that! D ye think a little thing like this 
 can discourage me? Why if the car had
 
 94 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 exploded and blowed us all up in the air 
 while we was sittin in it, I would of sold 
 Sampson the speedometer for a watch be 
 fore we had hit the ground again!" He 
 turns around on the mechanic and rolls up 
 his sleeves. "The faster you git away from 
 here, the longer you ll live!" he snarls. 
 "What art was you follerin before you took 
 up automobiles?" 
 
 "Well, to be on the level with you," says 
 the mechanic, "I was second man in a 
 cigar store on Twenty-third Street. I got 
 fired because me and the cash register could 
 never agree on the day s receipts. I seen 
 an ad for a mechanic at the Gaflooey service 
 station and I got took on there as a helper. 
 A feller has got to do something don t he? 
 Gimme a cigarette." 
 
 Alex makes a dash for him, but I hold 
 him back. 
 
 "Fade!" I warns him. "You re gettin 
 away with murder as it is, and if I let this
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 95 
 
 bird go they s no tellin what ll happen to 
 you!" 
 
 "What do I get for my mornin s work, 
 heh?" he hollers. 
 
 "You re gettin immunity!" I says. 
 "Beat it!" 
 
 "All right!" he snarls. "I oughta 
 knowed I d only get the worst of it goin out 
 on a job with a coupla boobs like you guys. 
 This feller claims he s a salesman, hey? 
 Well, I ll lay the world eight to five he 
 couldn t sell ice cream sodas in Hades! 
 Gimme a ciga 
 
 Alex throws the tool box at him, and he 
 blows. 
 
 While we re standin there tryin to 
 figure out some way to get this chummy 
 roadster to make good, a guy steps out from 
 behind a hedge and joins our little party. 
 He had just about passed the votin age 
 and he wore a raincoat with one of them 
 cute little belts around it, a dare-devil soft
 
 96 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 hat and carried a suitcase. His feet 
 dragged like they wasn t used to such heavy 
 exercise as walkin and he steps in front of 
 us with a cigarette droopin outa the corner 
 of his mouth. 
 
 "Pardon me," he yawns. "Are you hav 
 ing some difficulty with the car?" 
 
 "Oh, fluently!" I says. "You must be a 
 fortune teller. Some difficulty is right! 
 We been attemptin to get away from here 
 all mornin and it s the same as makin the 
 Russians think the Czar was a good feller 
 there s nothin doin . I don t think the mo 
 tor is tryin and 
 
 He sets down the suitcase and yawns some 
 more. 
 
 "I know something about autos," he says. 
 "Have a couple of my own and occasionally 
 I have to fuss around em a bit. Do you 
 mind if I look at the motor?" 
 
 "We d just love it!" I says. "Go to it." 
 
 He opens the hood, yawns a coupla times 
 and monkeys around for a minute.
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 97 
 
 "Try her now," he says. 
 
 Alex gets in and pushes a button with his 
 foot. 
 
 I don t know what this handsome stranger 
 did, but whatever else it was, it was a suc 
 cess, because the motor immediately begins 
 to tear holes in the peace and quiet of the 
 surroundin country. 
 
 "She ll be all right as soon as she warms 
 up now," says our savior. "The gas was 
 disconnected coupling jolted off evidently 
 and one of the cylinders was missing. 
 Must have given you trouble on hills, 
 what?" he yawns some more. "Nice little 
 bus," he says, "and, now, I wonder if you d 
 do a favor for me?" 
 
 "I only got four bucks on me," I says, 
 "but you re welcome to that if you can use 
 it." 
 
 He grins. 
 
 "It isn t money," he says. "It s some 
 thing more important than that."
 
 98 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Fudge!" says Alex. "There ain t no 
 sich thing in this town!" 
 
 "Yes there is!" says the newcomer, step- 
 pin back to a hedge, "and here it is!" 
 
 With that, out steps the Venus de Milo 
 wearin both arms and a set of scenery that 
 must of enabled some Fifth Avenue store 
 to move over to Easy Street. She looked 
 like what the press agents claim is in the 
 chorus of every musical comedy that hits 
 Broadway and she s wearin enough dia 
 monds to have keep the Alleys in tooth 
 powder. After I had got over bein daz 
 zled by the first look, I give her the East 
 and West again and recognize her. She s 
 nothin less than Margot Meringue, the big 
 movie star. 
 
 "I m Arnold Sampson," says the young 
 feller, "and this is Mrs. Arnold Sampson. 
 My wife was formerly 
 
 "I know," I butts in, "I seen her the week 
 before last with the missus in Marvelous
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 99 
 
 Margot s Mistake. She was vampirin 
 around and 
 
 "How did you like me?" smiles Margot. 
 
 "Well," I says, "we seen the pitcher 
 three times runnin is that good enough?" 
 
 "We have just been married," goes on 
 Arnold, throwin out what chest he had 
 with him. 
 
 "Congratulations!" pipes Alex, shakin 
 his hand. 
 
 "Pretty soft!" I says, doin the same. 
 
 "I saw you and father in the car here," 
 explains Arnold, "and as you appear to be 
 friends of his, I wonder if you d come up to 
 the house with us? Father is less liable to 
 make a scene, if there is some one else pres 
 ent. You see, he doesn t know that we re 
 married as yet." 
 
 Alex suddenly looks interested and 
 nudges me to keep quiet. 
 
 "I can see the whole thing in a nutshell," 
 he says. "Your father objects to you oh 
 now marryin an actress, heh?"
 
 ioo ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "No," yawns Arnold. "In this case the 
 traditional is reversed. My father objects 
 to the actress marrying me!" he bows to 
 Margot. "He is personally quite fond of 
 my wife and his objection is based solely 
 upon his own unflattering opinion of me. 
 He declares I ll never be able to support 
 Mrs. Sampson in the manner she is accus 
 tomed to living, as her income is something 
 like fifty thousand a year. Father allows 
 me a bare five thousand and he refuses to 
 increase it until I go to work in his office, 
 or something equally as silly. Can you 
 imagine anything more idiotic than that? 
 Dad is worth millions and he expects me to 
 work!" 
 
 "What an inhuman parent!" says Alex. 
 "What have you got against work?" 
 
 "My dear fellow," says Arnold, "I don t 
 really know. I don t seem able to get en 
 thusiastic about it that s all. I wouldn t 
 mind going down to Dad s office and toy 
 ing with an adding machine or driving
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 101 
 
 nails in packing cases, but I m sure I d fall 
 asleep on the job, or something idiotic like 
 that! You might say I lack the urge," he 
 yawns and grins. " I guess I wasn t built 
 to hustle. I haven t got the pep, as we used 
 to say at 
 
 "Listen!" butts in Alex, his eyes begin- 
 nin to glitter. "You was built the same as 
 anybody else, only thinner. I know what s 
 the matter with you c mere, I ll show 
 you!" He takes Arnold by the arm and 
 leads him over to the Gaflooey chummy 
 roadster. "D ye see that automobile there?" 
 he says. "Look at it. What is it nothin 
 but a pile of metal and wood! It can t 
 talk, it can t think but it s got a little but 
 ton down there in the dash and when you 
 push it, that car will keep on runnin till 
 the gasoline gives out or it hits a tree! 
 That button s called a self-commencer and 
 that s what you need! Ain t there no but 
 tons up in your head that you can push and 
 get yourself goin ? Is that pile of metal
 
 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 better than >ou? You can go down now 
 and take a job where you won t get your 
 hands dirty, but if your Dad hadn t been a 
 self-starter fifty years ago, you d be callin 
 a Wop foreman Boss to-day and likin it!" 
 
 Arnold stops yawnin and looks inter 
 ested, where he don t look mad. Margot 
 nods her head and puts her hand on his 
 arm. 
 
 "Arnold dear," she says, "he s right! 
 It s time you did try to do something, espe 
 cially now. I don t want to lecture you, 
 dear, but 
 
 "I don t know whether he s right or not," 
 says Arnold, "but I do know that ex 
 traordinary speech of his has me thinking. 
 Also, it sounded great to me and there s no 
 reason why it shouldn t sound just as great 
 to Dad! He loves that sort of thing and 
 I m going up and repeat it, word for word! 
 I m going to tell him we re married and that 
 I ll start to work for him whenever he likes. 
 I can try it, anyhow!"
 
 
 She s knittin a sweater for me that will prob ly make me oft 
 her for life. See page 275
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 103 
 
 Margot looks at Alex like she would kiss 
 him if it wasn t for the looks of the thing, 
 and Alex whispers in my ear that the Ga- 
 flooey roadster is as good as sold. We all 
 got in it it was runnin like a watch now 
 and roll up to the house. The newly- 
 weds goes inside, while me and Alex stays 
 out on the porch, and in about half an hour 
 they come out again, bringin old Runyon 
 Q. Sampson with em. The old gent walks 
 over to Alex and holds out his hand. 
 
 "My boy," he says, "I want to thank you 
 for what you ve done to this cub of mine. 
 I don t know what you told him, but he s 
 a different person from the time I saw him 
 last. He sounds like a real man, now! 
 I m going to do something for you in re 
 turn. I won t buy one of these infernal 
 cars of yours, wouldn t have it for a gift! 
 But, if you ll tell me what your commission 
 on the sale would have amounted to, I ll 
 write you a check for that figure."
 
 104 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Margot looks at Alex, and then she looks 
 at the car. 
 
 "Why, I think it s a perfect dear!" she 
 says, "and those colors real harmony it 
 self!" 
 
 Alex bounces forward, his eyes glitterin 
 again. 
 
 "We were thinkin of callin this model 
 the Margot Meringue," he says, "and 
 
 "Come, come!" interrupts old Runyon 
 Q., "let s straighten this matter up." He 
 takes out his check book and fountain pen. 
 "I want to take you children down to Tif 
 fany s and have Margot pick out a suitable 
 wedding gift. We have 
 
 "May I have anything I want?" asks 
 Margot, kinda innocent. 
 
 "Of course you can!" beams the old boy, 
 pinchin her cheek. 
 
 "Then buy me a Gaflooey chummy road 
 ster!" she says. "I think this one is a per 
 fect love of a car!" 
 
 Oh, boy!
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 105 
 
 Alex tries to look unconcerned, but he 
 couldn t help droppin his hat. The old 
 man coughs and gets red in the face, but he 
 was game. 
 
 "All right!" he snorts at Alex. "You 
 win. You can say you re the only man that 
 ever got the best of Runyon Q. Sampson I 
 What s the amount?" 
 
 I went into the office of the Gaflooey 
 Company with Alex when he went back 
 and the president is waitin for him with 
 blood in his eye. 
 
 "You needn t begin your excuses!" he 
 says to Alex. "The mechanic has told me 
 how you made a mess of everything and 
 Sampson refused to buy the car. I didn t 
 think they made any ten-thousand-a-year- 
 men up in Vermont when I hired you, but 
 I took a chance. New York s too big for 
 you fellows ; I guess you were only a flash in 
 the pan! Just think what it would have 
 meant had you sold the car to old Sampson! 
 Why, the advertising alone would "
 
 io6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "I guess you re right about me bein a 
 flash in the pan," butts in Alex, "but I found 
 another pan! I don t know whether this 
 is any good for advertisin or not, but I sold 
 that chummy roadster to Sampson and he 
 has give it to his daughter-in-law for a wed- 
 din gift." 
 
 The president jumps from his chair, very 
 light for a man of his heft. 
 
 "Great!" he hollers, "great!" He looks 
 at Sampson s check which Alex hands over. 
 "I knew you d do it! I saw you had the 
 stuff in you the minute you first walked in 
 this office. That s the "place to get first 
 string men right from the country, and 
 Vermont has furnished more than her share. 
 They told me you d fall down because New 
 York was too big for you, but I knew dif 
 ferent. They can t fool me when it comes 
 to judging men! I ll get our advertising 
 men right to work on this copy, and we ll 
 hit the morning papers with it. This is 
 great! Now if Sampson s daughter-in-
 
 THE SELF-COMMENCER 107 
 
 law was only in the public eye, know what 
 I mean, this would be wonderful! We ve 
 had a man after Margot Meringue for a 
 month, but she s away somewhere. You 
 probably won t know her; she s a big movie 
 star and we d give her a car if she d only 
 endorse it. Why, if we landed her 
 
 "That s who Sampson give the car to," 
 says Alex. "His son and her just got wed 
 and he give her the Gaflooey roadster for 
 a weddin gift. How about that New York 
 manager job do I get it?" 
 
 "Do you get it!" shrieks the president. 
 "Why, say you re it, right now!" 
 
 "That s fine!" says Alex. "I ll take the 
 job the day after to-morrow!" 
 
 "I see!" says the president, breakin his 
 neck tryin to make himself a good fellah. 
 "You want a day off after your labors, eh?" 
 
 "No!" says Alex, "I got to go out and see 
 Sampson again to-morrow, because havin 
 give this roadster to his daughter-in-law, 
 naturally he ll need one for hisself now!"
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 
 
 THIS here combination that opens the 
 door to success is a funny thing 
 everybody s lookin for it and everybody s 
 got it! Some guys knows just where to put 
 their hands on it when they get the big 
 chance to crack the safe of fame and as a 
 result they become boss bankers or boss 
 bricklayers either of which is a trick and 
 hard to do. Other guys forget the first 
 three numbers or somethin and never get 
 better than John Smiths in the telephone 
 book of life. 
 
 It takes speed to get a baseball from the 
 pitcher to the catcher, but it s control that 
 puts the pill over the plate, which may be 
 the answer to why John D. Rockefeller 
 
 108
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 109 
 
 ain t payin you rent and you got your first 
 time to be elected president of anything, 
 from the dear old V-. S. A. to the Red 
 Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin 
 around knockin winners every time the 
 papers print a new one, give yourself the 
 once over and see if you can find out what 
 your trick is. You may only be able to wig 
 gle your left ear funnier than anybody on 
 the block Great! Cash on it! It s a 
 cinch you can do something and once you 
 find out what that somethin is, the rest is 
 as easy as fallin off Pike s Peak! 
 
 No easier! Because you gotta climb 
 Pike s Peak before you can fall off. You 
 may be a guy like Hector Sells, which 
 started life with a straight flush, and played 
 it like it was a pair of deuces. If somebody 
 hadn t peeped over his shoulder, seen what 
 he held and played it for him, Hector 
 would still be thinkin that the only guy in 
 the world drawin over twenty bucks a week 
 was J. P. Morgan. As it is, Hector has
 
 no ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 $2.75 right now for every wave in the 
 ocean, and when you go to see him, you be 
 come acquainted with all the office boys in 
 the world. 
 
 Here s the answer. 
 
 One night after dinner the wife and I 
 are provin to each other that the road of 
 true love is rough and full of detours, when 
 they s a ring at the bell. We practised self- 
 denial and laid off scrappin long enough 
 for friend wife to open the door. I made 
 a bet with myself and win easy. In comes 
 Alex. 
 
 "Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument 
 goin on here again?" 
 
 "You said it!" I tells him. "Come on 
 in, you re just in time. We ll make it 
 three-handed!" 
 
 "I don t know why you got married when 
 you re always quarrelin ," he says, sittin 
 down. 
 
 "That ain t all you don t know!" I says. 
 
 "Kindly lay off my cousin," says the wife.
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! in 
 
 "They ain t no use in showin the world that 
 I have married a brute!" 
 
 With that she presses four dollars worth 
 of Irish lace against her eyes and develops 
 a cold in the head. So the same as usual, 
 I went over and patted her on the shoulder 
 which was shakin the most. 
 
 "You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar s 
 worth of vaseline on every word. "I ll 
 never speak another harsh word to you or 
 Alex again. The next time I feel sarcastic, 
 I ll go out in the kitchen and have some 
 words with the cat. Everybody in the 
 apartment house knows what I think of you, 
 and I must be wild over Alex or he d never 
 be in this flat a second time. If " 
 
 "Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. 
 "You d talk your way out of pneumonia!" 
 
 But they was a smile went with that the 
 same giggle that used to make em fight for 
 standin room in the Winter Garden. So 
 we was all happy -and carefree again, with 
 the exception of Alex.
 
 ii2 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "You re too easy with him!" he growls to 
 the wife, disappointed because peace had 
 come. "If you d punish him, he d be a bet 
 ter husband." 
 
 "She does punish me somethin cruel!" 
 I says. "By invitin you up every day!" 
 
 And then of course all bets was off and 
 we all went over the top again! 
 
 In about an hour, the people in the next 
 flat had enough, and mentioned the fact to 
 the landlord. He let us in on it by way of 
 the phone, and all was quiet along the Hud 
 son again. 
 
 "I come up here to-night to tell you some- 
 thin ," says Alex. 
 
 "They s always the United States mail," 
 I says. 
 
 "I ain t talkin to you, I m speakin to 
 Cousin Alice!" snarls Alex. 
 
 "She can read too!" I says. 
 
 "I been thinkin this here thing over for 
 weeks," he goes on, turnin his chair so s I 
 can get a good view of his back, "and I
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 113 
 
 made up my mind to-day to go ahead with 
 it." 
 
 "What is it, Alex?" asks the wife, all ex 
 cited. "I know it s goin to be somethin 
 wonderful!" 
 
 "You ain t gonna tell me you re gonna 
 stop eatin here, are you?" I says. "Be 
 cause if you are, I m gonna beat it! I 
 heard tell of guys dyin of joy and I ain t 
 takin no chances!" 
 
 "The whole trouble with you," says Alex, 
 "is a simple case of jealousy. You was 
 born and brung up in this rube burg called 
 New York and the best you could do in 
 thirty-five years was to get yourself fore 
 man of a baseball team! I 
 
 "Yeh !" I butts in. "I fell down the same 
 as Caruso. All he can do is sing!" 
 
 "I come here from Vermont," goes on 
 Alex, now on his favorite subject, "and right 
 off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year 
 job, not countin commissions, sellin autos. 
 Now I claim that what / did in New York
 
 n 4 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 can be done by anybody and I m here to 
 prove it! It s just as easy to be a roarin 
 success in New York as it is in Paterson, 
 N. J. and just as hard! There s many a 
 Charlie Chaplin sellin groceries and many 
 a Theodore Roosevelt carryin bricks! In 
 their off hours and in the privacy of their 
 homes, them fellers is doin for nothing 
 what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so 
 forth got paid off on! If a man s a gam 
 bler, for instance, and he bets on a race 
 horse, the chances are he stays up all night 
 lookin up the past performances of that 
 horse and seein just what he can do under 
 all conditions. He studies how the horse 
 finished on a muddy track and where he 
 come in when the track was fast. He makes 
 note of what the horse did under different 
 weights and different jockeys. He watches 
 what it does against certain other horses. 
 Then when he thinks everything is favor 
 able, he bets his money! He 
 "Look here, Alex!" I butts in. "Did you
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 115 
 
 come all the way up here to-night to lay me 
 on a horse race?" 
 
 "No!" he snorts, in disgust, "I come up 
 here to lay you on yourself! If this same 
 man that studies the dope before he bets on 
 a horse, would study the dope on himself 
 with the same attention to detail, before he 
 enters the handicap of life he d be a win 
 ner! He wouldn t have to bet on no horses 
 or nothin else, because he d be his own best 
 bet! He d find out what his particular ace 
 was and play it to the limit every time ! In 
 stead of that, the average feller spends his 
 time sittin in the greatest game in the world 
 life drawin five cards every time and 
 waitin for the royal flush to be dealt him 
 pat. He" 
 
 "My goodness, Alex!" remarks the wife, 
 "I didn t know you was a gambler. Where 
 did you learn all those poker terms?" 
 
 "He once claimed casino was vicious, 
 too!" I says. 
 
 Alex gets up and reaches for his hat.
 
 n6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "There ain t no use talkin to people 
 which has checked their brains with the hat 
 boy!" he says. "But before I go, I wanna 
 tell you this. Every man has got the key to 
 his own success buried in him somewhere, 
 and I ll bet I can take the champion dub of 
 any given precinct and make him a winner 
 the minute I find out where he hid his!" 
 
 "Let s go to the movies, instead of fight- 
 in like cats and dogs," remarks the wife, 
 puttin on her handbag. 
 
 "Yesl" sneers Alex, "let s go to the movies 
 and knock the leadin man because he s get- 
 tin $30,000 a year, and let s explain to each 
 other how he s gettin away with murder 
 and ain t got a thing but his looks. That s 
 much better than sittin down and figurin 
 how ive can make the same amount of 
 money, if we " 
 
 "Look here, Alex!" I interrupts, gettin 
 a trifle peeved. "You took me for eight 
 hundred berries when you first invaded 
 New York and, sucker like, I m lookin for
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 117 
 
 a come-back. Are you on the level with 
 that stuff about you bein able to put any 
 body over if you get in their corner?" 
 
 "Am I on the level with it?" he says. 
 "Why, say! I m goin in the business of 
 makin successes outa dubs! I m gonna 
 take em one by one, put em over and charge 
 a reasonable percentage for my work. I m 
 sick and tired of the automobile game and 
 I m gonna incorporate myself as Alex Han- 
 ley, S. D." 
 
 "What s the S. D. for?" I asks. "South 
 Dakota?" 
 
 "No Success Developer!" he says. "I 
 ain t selfish I put myself over and now I m 
 gonna put em all over! At the same time, 
 as I say, I ll charge a reasonable sum for my 
 work. Why this is bigger business than 
 Wall Street, makin men instead of breakin 
 em and 
 
 "Stop talkin for a second, Alex," I says, 
 "and get a new sensation! I got an idea of 
 what that reasonable charge of yours will
 
 n8 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 be, that s provided your scheme works, 
 which it prob ly won t. If you cause a guy 
 to make himself twenty dollars, your fee 
 won t exceed a hundred and fifty!- You re 
 as liberal with money as Grant s Tomb is 
 with advice. But if you re on the level with 
 this, I ll bet you a thousand bucks, Ameri 
 can money, to five hundred of the same coin 
 age, that you ll flop like a seal on your first 
 try. They s only one thing you gotta do!" 
 
 "What is it?" he asks. He was thinkin 
 of them thousand bucks and his eyes 
 sparkled till you could of hocked em any 
 wheres for five hundred apiece. 
 
 "You gotta let me pick the first victim!" I 
 says. 
 
 "Not to change the subject," remarks the 
 wife to me, "if you got a thousand dollars 
 for purposes of bettin , they s a ring in Tif 
 fany s window which will come here to 
 morrow escorted by a C. O. D. bill. The 
 price and one thousand dollars is the same."
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 119 
 
 "Do you think I print this money my 
 self?" I hollers. 
 
 "I would of married you long ago if I 
 did!" she says, smilin sweetly. 
 
 "Think of a man mean enough to argue 
 about money with his lovin wife!" sneers 
 Alex. 
 
 "If you was married," I says, "your 
 wife would think they had stopped the cir 
 culation of all money, with the exception of 
 nickels!" 
 
 "Ha! Ha!" he sneers, like a movie vil 
 lain. "I just give Eve Rossiter an engage 
 ment ring that can be pawned for eight hun 
 dred men!" 
 
 "I think you re four flushin ," I hollers, 
 gettin warmed up, "but you can t hang 
 nothin on me! You go down to Tiffany s, 
 honey," I tells the wife, "and get that thou 
 sand buck ring but put up a battle for it at 
 
 The wife pulls her million-dollar smile
 
 120 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 and gimme a chaste salute, as the guy says, 
 on the forehead. Then she opens her sea- 
 goin handbag and takes somethin out 
 
 "Here it is, dear!" she says, with the 
 giggle that made me a married man, "I 
 knowed you d fall, so I got it this morning! 
 It was only $987. Ain t I the great little 
 buyer?" 
 
 Oh, boy! 
 
 "Well," I says to Alex,, "it seems to be the 
 open season for takin me. Does that bet 
 go?" 
 
 "It does!" he says, rubbin his hands to 
 gether like a crap shooter. 
 
 "And I produce the first candidate for 
 fame and fortune?" 
 
 "Bring him on!" he grins, winkin at the 
 wife a thing he knows I loathe. 
 
 We shook hands on it and I went out into 
 the kitchen to laugh it over with the cat. 
 I m a soft-hearted boob and I hate to take a 
 sucker, at that. But accordin to my dope,
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 121 
 
 that dough of friend Alex s was the same as 
 in the bank in my name! 
 
 Now the bird I had in mind to make me 
 win this bet from Alex was a pitcher I had 
 on the payroll who s name was Hector Sells. 
 He would of been just as rotten a ball player 
 if his name had been First Base, Center 
 Field or Short Stop. He could do every 
 thing in the world with a baseball, with the 
 slight exception of gettin it over the plate, 
 and, when he pitched, his main difficulty 
 was keepin the pill outa left field. In the 
 seven years he had been stealin wages from 
 my club his twirlin percentage read like 
 the thermometer in Alaska and when he 
 come to bat, as far as he ever found out, first 
 base was in Berlin. I put him on the third 
 base coachin line one afternoon and he tries 
 to send a runner back to second when the 
 batter triples. I tried this guy out at every 
 position on the team and he made so many 
 errors that the official scorers went out and
 
 122 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 bought addin machines every time he ap 
 peared in the line-up. If they was anything 
 on earth connected with the game of base 
 ball that Hector could do, he never showed 
 it to me, and puttin a uneyform on him was 
 the same as givin a blind man a pair of 
 opera glasses. 
 
 Yet with all this, that guy thought he 
 was the greatest baseball player that ever 
 laid hold of a glove. He not only thought 
 it, he conceded it. 
 
 For the past year, Hector had played out 
 the schedule from the dugout, with the ex 
 ception of six games he pitched against the 
 Athletics. He tost an even six. I sent him 
 to every flag station in North America 
 where they looked on baseball as a game, 
 and Hector would come back at the end of 
 the season with his suit case jammed full of 
 unconditional releases. Him and pneu 
 monia was just as easy to get rid of as far 
 as I was concerned and we started off every 
 season with Hector in our midst.
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 123 
 
 Three winters in succession I loaned that 
 guy enough dough to set himself up in busi 
 ness, so s he d lay off me and watch the 
 pastime from the grandstand. He lost a 
 cigar store shootin craps, a pool room bet- 
 tin with the customers and a delicatessen 
 because he eat all the stock himself. I got 
 him a job on the road sellin sportin goods, 
 and the only thing he sold all year was a 
 pitcher s glove at $1.25. He bought that 
 himself. 
 
 Now the thing is why did I keep a guy 
 like that on my club for the lengthy space of 
 seven years? The newspaper birds claimed 
 Hector had seen me murder somebody or 
 somethin , because they says I wouldn t let 
 him in a ball park with a ticket, if he didn t 
 have somethin on me that must be kept 
 from the world at any price. Well, it 
 wasn t nothin like that but it was some- 
 thin just as good, as the grocer says. Me 
 and Hector was kids together in the same 
 ward, and when we started out to dumfound
 
 i2 4 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the world, he had a bankroll which his be 
 loved father left him and I had nothin but 
 freckles. I practically lived off that guy 
 till me and real money became well ac 
 quainted, so I coukln t see him get the worst 
 of it now. It would of broke his heart if he 
 ever got shoved outa organized baseball- 
 he was a maniac about the game! So Hec 
 tor drawed his dough every season, come 
 what may and at that I was doin no more 
 than he did for me. 
 
 I managed to keep him busy in some way 
 about the park always with a uneyform on 
 and now and then I let him pitch an innin 
 when we had the game locked away in the 
 safe deposit vault. In all the seven years, 
 he never missed a single day showin up at 
 the park and he was the rottenest ball player 
 that ever stood under a shower. Them was 
 Hector s two records! 
 
 Well, I dragged Alex out to the ball park 
 the next day and pointed out Hector to him. 
 We was playin St. Looey and along around
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 125 
 
 the sixth innin we had the game sewed up 
 so tight that they couldn t of won it in a 
 raffle. I took out Harmon and sent Hector 
 in to pitch. 
 
 "Gaze over this bird carefully, Alex!" I 
 says, "because he s the baby you re gonna 
 pay off on! I claim you are now peerin at 
 the champion dub of the world. If you 
 can make a winner outa him or discover 
 what he has failed to develop that would 
 make him one, I ll not only pay my end of 
 our bet with a grin, but I ll throw in a 
 weddin chest of silver for you and Eve 
 Rossiter!" 
 
 "Write that down!" says Alex; "and sign 
 your full name to it!" 
 
 "You don t think I d welsh on you, do 
 you?" I says, gettin sore. 
 
 "I don t know if they s enough ink in this 
 or not," he answers, handin me a fountain 
 pen. "Write it on the back of this card." 
 
 When the crowd sees Hector strollin out 
 to the box, they give him his usual reception,
 
 126 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 which was the same as the Kaiser would 
 have got if he d walked down Broadway 
 along in April, 1917. The first guy up 
 for St. Looey hit a roller through the 
 box and Hector stood on his left shoulder 
 tryin to pick it up. The runner only got 
 as far as second before Hector arose. 
 The next guy put a neat round hole in the 
 right field fence, makin it two runs. Well, 
 before it was three out they had got four 
 more and the only guy connected with 
 the St. Looey team that didn t get a hit was 
 the owner. They only quit slammin the 
 pill because they had batted themselves sick 
 and could no longer stagger up to the plate. 
 
 Hector comes to bat in the next innin 
 with the bases as full as a miner on pay 
 night. He lets two go by, right in the slot, 
 and he fell down skinnin his nose, swing- 
 in at the next for the third and last strike. 
 
 I removed him by hand and sent in a ball 
 player to pitch the rest of the game. 
 
 "Well, Alex," I says on the way home,
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 127 
 
 "what do you think of your patient?" 
 
 "Is he as bad as that every day?" he asks 
 me. 
 
 "No," I says. "He was Ty Cobb and 
 Walter Johnson to-day, alongside of what 
 he usually is!" 
 
 "Hmmph!" grunts Alex. "I can see he 
 ain t a ball player, anyway." 
 
 "You been readin Sherlock Holmes, " I 
 says. 
 
 "Baseball ain t everything!" declares 
 Alex, rubbin his nose. "And the point we 
 have to consider is what can he do?" 
 
 "That s easy!" I says. "How much is 
 seven from seven?" 
 
 "Why nothin ," says Alex. 
 
 "That s Hector!" I says. 
 
 With that I told him Hector s pedigree 
 from the time he crossed my path when an 
 infant, to date. I left out nothin and laid 
 it on good and thick. I explained how 
 Hector had been the world s most consist 
 ent failure from the time he had been in-
 
 128 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 troduced as "It s a boy!" up to the time of 
 writin and when I got all through, Alex 
 grins like a wolf. 
 
 " A. most promisin case!" he says. "This 
 here s somethin that s gonna put me on my 
 mettle, right at the start. The tougher a 
 thing looks, the more appetizin it strikes 
 me! Now I ll take it for granted that this 
 man s got no strong points. All right 
 that s nothin but a detail! You ve told me 
 a lot of hard things about him, but you ain t 
 said he ain t human and if he s human he s 
 got a weakness! A well-developed weak 
 ness in a man has often been turned into 
 glitterin gold. Does he drink?" 
 
 "Let s save time," I says. "Hector don t 
 know whether whiskey and beer is drinks, 
 or the battery for to-day s game. He 
 couldn t tell you offhand whether tobacco 
 was a thing to chew and smoke or the latest 
 fox trot. The only woman he ever met 
 twice was his mother, and he thinks sayin 
 Darnation! in earnest is the same as homo-
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 129 
 
 cide. His only love is baseball and his only 
 weakness is his stomach!" 
 
 "Aha!" says Alex. "I knew we d get at 
 it! He s fond of food, eh?" 
 
 "Fond of it?" I says. "Why, this guy 
 can do more things with a steak than Edi 
 son can do with a pint of electricity! He 
 took me to a dinner he cooked himself one 
 night and the only thing I recognized on 
 the table was the water. Everything was 
 fixed up after his own recipes and at the 
 drop of a hat he can tell you how many of 
 them calories and proteins they is in a pea!" 
 
 "That s enough!" hollers Alex. "He s 
 as good as over right now! He simply 
 picked the wrong trade when he took up 
 baseball, and I ll get him a job as chef in 
 one of the famous hotels so 
 
 "Don t make me laugh!" I cuts him off. 
 "Would I of bet you, if it was as easy as 
 that? They ain t a chance on earth I 
 thought of that years ago. Hector 
 wouldn t iboil water for money he only
 
 130 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 cooks that stuff up for himself. He 
 
 "A true artist, eh?" says Alex, kinda 
 thoughtful. "That makes it all the better! 
 Bring him up for dinner to-morrow night 
 and let me study him. In a week I ll col 
 lect that little bet from you and then I ll 
 be ready to take on the next case." 
 
 "You certainly stand well with yourself, 
 don t you?" I sneers. "Well, lemme give 
 you a little tip. Don t try to get that bird 
 to give up baseball, because they ain t a 
 Chinaman s chance of that! The only 
 chance you got is to put him over as a ball 
 player, and if you can do that, I can sell 
 electric fans to the Esquimaux!" 
 
 "Bring him up to-morrow night," says 
 Alex, grinnin like a wolf. "This looks 
 like a cinch to me!" 
 
 I went to Hector in the clubhouse the next 
 afternoon. He had had a hard day play- 
 in the White Sox from the bench. 
 
 "Where are you goin to-night?" I asks 
 him.
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 131 
 
 He flushes up a bit. 
 
 "Well, Mac," he says, "I have finally 
 found a joint where they know how to cook 
 em without abusin em and I was figurin 
 on goin there first, so 
 
 "Cook what?" I butts in. 
 
 "Alligator pears!" he says. "Y know 
 they is a lot of nourishment in them babies 
 when they re properly prepared and 
 
 "You ll be around at that beanery to-mor 
 row night!" I shuts him off. "To-night 
 you re comin up and have dinner with 
 
 me." 
 
 He gets one shade redder. 
 
 "Why," he stammers, "Ahumph! That 
 
 er that s terrible fine of you, Mac, but 
 
 on the level, I y know this place is the only 
 
 one in New York where they can cook them 
 
 things and I m a hound after them! I 
 
 "Come on!" I says. "We re gonna give 
 the subway a play. The wife s expectin 
 you and I got a friend that s crazy to meet 
 you. Are you gonna throw me down?"
 
 132 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 He backs away and ruffles his hair. 
 
 "Mac," he says, "I ll have dinner with 
 you to-night on one condition!" 
 
 "Shoot!" I says. 
 
 "Well, Mac," he tells me, "they ain t no 
 doubt in my mind that your wife is some 
 cook, but if I m gonna eat this stuff I 
 well, I demand the privilege of cookin it!" 
 
 "Where d ye get that stuff?" I says. 
 "Why" 
 
 "Lemme do this, Mac," he says, "and 
 you ll never regret it. I can hang it on any 
 chef in New York for money and you ll eat 
 the greatest meal you ever got outside of in 
 your life!" 
 
 Well, this was new stuff to me, but I fig 
 ured I was gonna get five hundred bucks 
 outa it by way of Alex, so I fell. 
 
 "All right!" I says. "Come up and cook 
 your head off. I m game! But if you re 
 as good a cook as you are a ball player, I 
 can see where me and the wife suspends 
 friendly relations for about a year!"
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 133 
 
 Alex is already on hand when we get to 
 the house and I introduced him to Hector. 
 
 "Howdy!" he says. "I seen you pitch 
 the other day and I must say it was a treat! 
 The support they give you was brutal or 
 you d of shut them other fellers out with 
 
 ease." 
 
 "You know it!" says Hector. "If they s 
 any one thing I can do, it s play baseball. 
 That s my dish!" 
 
 The wife horns in. 
 
 "I m so glad to meet you, Mister Sells," 
 she says, givin Hector the old oil. "My 
 husband talks of nothin but you night and 
 day!" 
 
 Which was true only not the way she 
 meant it. 
 
 "That s fine!" says Hector. "Me and 
 Mac has been friends since they burnt 
 Rome. Where s the kitchen?" 
 
 I showed him, and the wife shakes her 
 head as much as to say, "Another rummy, 
 eh?" I steered Hector over to the ice box
 
 i 3 4 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 and told him to go ahead and run wild. 
 When I come out, Alex is featurin his fa 
 mous grin, and I gotta show the wife my 
 breath. In about ten minutes the kitchen 
 door opens and Hector s head pops out. 
 His hands is full of flour and so s his suit 
 for that matter, but his face is all lit up like 
 Coney Island. 
 
 "I don t wanna be no bother, Mrs. Mac," 
 he pipes, "but could a man get a apron 
 around here?" 
 
 We got him inside of some gingham, and 
 he disappeared into the kitchen again. 
 
 "Where d ye get them birds?" says the 
 wife, noddin after him. 
 
 "Sssh!" says Alex. "That feller there is 
 gonna make us all rich before the month 
 is over! We ll have more money than we 
 can count and 
 
 "Oh, won t that be grand!" says the wife, 
 who d believe Alex if he told her Mis 
 souri started the war. "Then I can have 
 everything I want."
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 135 
 
 "I thought that happened when you got 
 me" I says. 
 
 "Still," she sighs, payin me no attention 
 as usual, "money ain t everything." 
 
 "No," says Alex, "but it ll get it!" 
 
 "We always was used to money," goes 
 on the wife, gettin kinda doped under the 
 influence of the sweet and savory odors 
 which was comin from the kitchen. "You 
 know, Alex, that our family was connected 
 with the best people in Vermont." 
 
 "They ain t got a thing on a telephone 
 operator," I says. "They get connected 
 with the best people in the United States 
 every day!" 
 
 I don t get a tumble from either of them. 
 
 "There was Great-uncle Ed," proceeds 
 the wife, kinda dreamy. "If he hadn t 
 died so sudden, he d of been worth a mil 
 lion." 
 
 I tried my luck again. 
 
 "That s the one that turned out to be a 
 carbolic acid fiend, ain t it?" I says.
 
 136 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 At this point, the greatest meal that ever 
 played a date at our flat, come outa the 
 kitchen escorted by Hector. One whiff of 
 that layout and the greatest chef in the 
 world would of gone out and bought a re 
 volver. Hector is nothin but smiles. 
 
 "Give this a whirl!" he says. "And 
 lemme know what you think of it. I didn t 
 have much to work with only lamb chops, 
 vegetables and the like, but I did what I 
 could." 
 
 Oh, boy! that was some feed! Conver 
 sation lagged a bit for about half a hour, 
 while we fell to and demolished this stuff, 
 and Hector swells up like a human yeast 
 cake under the kind words that come his 
 way. Finally, we had to quit eatin for 
 lack of further accommodations and the 
 wife tells Hector that they ain t no doubt 
 about it, as a cook he wins the garage. 
 
 "Oh, that s nothin ," he says," gettin an 
 attack of modesty. "I m kinda fussy about 
 my food and I been figurin out different
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 137 
 
 ways of cookin up stuff to get the best outa 
 it, for years. That s the only amusement 
 I got. I ain t so much as a cook, but you 
 oughta see me play ball, heh, Mac?" 
 
 The old glitter comes into Alex s eyes. 
 
 "I seen you play ball, Mister Sells," he 
 says, "and you are a knockout! But what 
 you just said about food interests me more. 
 I m kinda odd regardin vittles myself and 
 what I seen in the paper to-day has got me 
 worried sick." 
 
 "What was that?" says Hector. 
 
 "Well," says Alex, "there s gonna be a 
 fearful shortage of all kinds of meats and 
 vegetables, because all the available food 
 in the U. S. is about to be seized for the 
 army. This time next year we ll all prob ly 
 be livin on bread and water and lucky to 
 get it!" 
 
 Hector gets as white as precipitated 
 chalk. 
 
 "You don t mean it!" he gasps, gettin 
 half outa his chair.
 
 138 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "It s a fact," says Alex. "I was only 
 readin it this mornin ." 
 
 I thought Hector was gonna fall dead at 
 our feet. 
 
 "But but what am / gonna do?" he says, 
 kinda dazed. 
 
 "What are you gonna do?" I sneers. 
 "What are we all gonna do?" 
 
 "You don -t get me!" he says. "It s all 
 well enough for you guys which can eat 
 common ordinary food like ham and eggs 
 and steaks and chops, but I can t go that 
 stuff! All the time I ain t out at the ball 
 park I m experimentin with different kinds 
 of stuff to eat, and if they go to work and 
 shut off all them rare vegetables and so 
 forth on me well, I don t eat, that s all!" 
 
 He gets up and reaches for his hat. 
 
 "Well," says Alex, "I can see that you 
 and me is pretty much alike. I can t eat 
 porterhouse steaks and French lamb chops 
 as a steady diet, either! My stomach 
 craves them rare dishes the same as yours
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 139 
 
 does, and it sure looks like you and me is 
 gonna starve to death when this food con 
 servation thing goes through!" 
 
 Hector slaps his hands together and 
 squares his jaw. 
 
 "I ain t gonna starve!" he says. "They 
 has got to be 1,500 calories and a amount of 
 proteins in proportion go into my system 
 every day. Not only that, it s gotta be in a 
 tasty form! I m gonna go home and figure 
 this thing out so s I ll be took care of when 
 the government grabs off all the food sup 
 plies. They must be somethin a man can 
 do! Good night, folks and thanks for the 
 use of the kitchen." 
 
 With that he blows. 
 
 "I think he s a nut!" remarks the wife, 
 when the hall door bangs. 
 
 "Leave him be!" says Alex, rubbin his 
 hands together, a habit that gets my goat. 
 "I got him started now and 
 
 "Say!" I says. "I didn t see nothin in 
 no paper about the government gonna seize
 
 1 40 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 all the eats. I think you was kiddin Hec 
 tor, myself!" 
 
 "You didn t see the Civil War, either, 
 did you?" says Alex. "I suppose you don t 
 ibelieve that, eh? I told you I was gonna 
 put this feller over and if you ll leave me 
 be, I will! I told you every man had an 
 ace buried somewhere, didn t I? Well, 
 Hector s ace is his mad infatuation for his 
 stomach. He s never played it yet, because 
 there s been no reason to do so. As long 
 as he had the money, he could buy the stuff 
 and hash it up in any way *his peculiar 
 tastes desired. Once he thinks he cant do 
 fhat, he ll put all he s got under his hat into 
 findin a way to get all them proteins and 
 calories he wants. I ve given him some- 
 thin he never had before an incentive 
 and" 
 
 "What do you figure Hector s gonna do 
 to startle the world?" I says. 
 
 "Search me!" says Alex, grinnin , "but
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 141 
 
 we ll all get paid off on whatever it is, you 
 can gamble on that!" 
 
 The wife sniffs. 
 
 "I never heard tell of no man that 
 couldn t eat porterhouse steaks!" she says. 
 
 "I seen a lot of them to-day," says Alex, 
 puttin on his coat. 
 
 "Where?" asks the wife. 
 
 "I was passin the Evergreen Cemetery!" 
 says Alex. "Good night, all!" 
 
 The next day, Hector comes to me before 
 the game and you never seen such a change 
 in a guy in your life! He looked like he 
 hadn t slept a wink since they buried Wash 
 ington and he s as nervous as a steam drill. 
 
 "Mac," he says, "I wanna ask two favors 
 off of you, the first I asked in a long while." 
 
 "Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You 
 know I can deny you nothin ." 
 
 "I want a week off and the loan of five 
 hundred bucks," he says. 
 
 "I ll tell you," I says. "Take two weeks
 
 i 4 2 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 off and forget about the five hundred, heh?" 
 
 "No, Mac I gotta have the dough!" he 
 says. "With what I got saved up, I figure 
 it ll be ample." 
 
 "Ample for what?" I asks. 
 
 "I can t tell no man nothin about it now," 
 he answers, "but when I come back from 
 my vacation, I ll let you in on it. I don t 
 like to say this, Mac but when I was slip- 
 pin it to you, I never asked whether you 
 wanted it to get a hair cut with or to try 
 and put Wall Street on the bum. If 
 
 "That s enough!" I cuts him off, takin 
 out the roll. "Here you are, Hector and 
 if you want any more they s plenty of it 
 where that come from!" 
 
 They was in the mint. 
 
 When Hector had put some distance be 
 tween himself and the iball park, I begin 
 to think the thing over. If he did pull any 
 startlin stunt, I stood to lose a thousand 
 bucks, not countin the weddin gift, to 
 Alex. They was five hundred more I d
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 143 
 
 invested right then, makin fifteen hundred 
 in all, which I considered was gettin into 
 money. For all I knowed, Hector and 
 Alex might be f ramin me and they ain t no 
 man livin who loves bein a sucker. 
 
 I decided right then and there to shoot 
 another nickel on the thing and I called up 
 the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan 
 had been a friend of me and Hector since 
 we d been in baseball. I told him the 
 whole layout and asked for a report on the 
 activities of Hector the followin day, if 
 possible. 
 
 It was three days before I seen Ryan s 
 report. He give it to me himself by 
 mouth. 
 
 "Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has 
 gone nutty, and I suppose bein friends of 
 his, you and me had better have him put 
 away where he can t do himself no vio 
 lence." 
 
 " What s he doin ?" I asks. 
 
 "Well," says Ryan, "I ll give you the
 
 144 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 dope since he left the ball park on Monday. 
 The first thing he does is go to the bank and 
 draw out every nickel he s got. Then he 
 moves from the hotel to Cereal Crossin , 
 N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for 
 president every four years and they all work 
 on the same farm. Hector hires a shack 
 away out in the middle of the woods there 
 and, from then on, boxes and crates begins 
 to arrive for him from everywheres but 
 Brazil. I met up with a Secret Service 
 guy who had dropped in to get a line on 
 what kinda bombs Hector was makin be 
 fore pinchin him, and we went through 
 this express stuff durin the night. The 
 first crate we tackled contained all the glass 
 ware in the world of a medical nature. 
 They was bottles, test tubes, bowls and all 
 the stuff usual found in a practical anar 
 chist s workshop. After the first peep, the 
 Secret Service guy wanted to run right over 
 and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I 
 got him to hold off long enough to look
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 145 
 
 over the rest of the stuff. We went 
 through every box and what d ye think we 
 found in em?" 
 
 "I wasn t there," I says. "Tell me." 
 
 "Well," says Ryan, grinnin , "when all 
 this stuff was assembled, it would make a 
 first class delicatessen shop and that s all! 
 They was meats, cheese, olive oil, fish, veg 
 etables, pickles, mustard and about fifteen 
 other eatables I never seen or heard tell of 
 before in my life! We busted a lot of it 
 open, lookin for explosives, but they was 
 all on the level. Why, that bird s got 
 enough stuff down there to keep him in 
 food for the rest of his life!" 
 
 I bust out laughin . 
 
 "Ha, ha!" I says. "That s it! The poor 
 fathead went and fell for that bunk Alex 
 handed him and he s gone and laid in that 
 stuff so s he won t starve when the govern 
 ment seizes the food supplies. Can you tie 
 that?" 
 
 "I always thought he was a little queer,"
 
 i 4 6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 says Ryan. Especially when he claims 
 he s a ball player. Let s get him in some 
 nice, private sanitarium somewheres and 
 I ll split the bill with you." 
 
 "Leave him alone!" I says. "I ll take 
 care of this myself. If he stays there long 
 enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of 
 money and 
 
 "All right !" says Ryan. "It ain t no milk 
 outa my coffee, but that bird oughta be un 
 der lock and key!" 
 
 I could hardly wait to tell Alex about 
 Hector s first step towards success. I rung 
 him up immediately and give him the dope, 
 windin up by askin when he d be ready to 
 pay me off. 
 
 "Pay you off?" he says. "Save that 
 comedy for Cousin Alice! Just you leave 
 Hector be now; from what you tell me 
 everything s goin fine and 
 
 "Coin fine?" I hollers. "When that 
 poor simp buries himself in Jersey with all
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 147 
 
 the food in the world, do you call that 
 makin good?" 
 
 "Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said 
 he d be back then, and if he ain t shown 
 somethin by that time, you get the check." 
 
 "Fair enough!" I says, "and have it cer 
 tified." 
 
 The followin Monday night, Alex as 
 usual is honorin me and the wife with his 
 presence at dinner. I was in such good 
 humor that I didn t as much as wince when 
 he calls for another piece of roast beef, mak 
 in an even eight. Hector had failed to ap 
 pear as advertised and the noted Success 
 Developer had promised to pay me off be 
 fore he left. They was a ring at the bell 
 and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin the 
 night for me! 
 
 "I would of reported at the ball park 
 this afternoon like I promised," he says, 
 "only I was in a burg where the only time 
 a train ever stopped there was when one 
 went off the track."
 
 148 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 I hardly knowed it was the same Hector 
 which went away the week before. His 
 cheeks was filled out past the legal limit 
 and he had a color that would make an in 
 surance company let him write his own 
 policy. He was Alfred Q. Health that s 
 all! 
 
 "I m sorry to see you people eatin the 
 flesh of the cow, roasted in an unscientific 
 manner," he says. "One slab of that is shy 
 just forty-eight calories and they s more 
 proteins in a filetted bean!" He reaches 
 in his pocket and pulls out a little package. 
 "If I can draw up a chair here," he says, 
 "I ll have dinner with you." 
 
 "I ll get another plate," says the wife, 
 "and some coffee 
 
 "Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine 
 with me!" With that he unwraps the 
 package and pulls out a thing about the size 
 of a deck of cards. I thought at first it was 
 a razor hone, but Hector bites into it. 
 "Just a glass of water," he says, "though
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 149 
 
 with this a man don t even need that!" 
 
 Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme 
 the laugh. 
 
 "What s that?" he hollers at Hector. 
 
 "That," says Hector, "is the last word in 
 calories, protein and nourishment! It con 
 tains each and every juice and sustainin 
 part of all meats and vegetables known to 
 man, with a little glutein invention of my 
 own combined. It has got it forty ways on 
 all other patent foods, because it s not only 
 nourishing it s so darned tasty that once you 
 eat it you get the habit, like dope or some- 
 thin , and you can t eat anything else! It ll 
 keep forever without ice or preservatives. 
 You don t need liquids with it, it supplies 
 its own juices. It s got a kick like booze 
 and they ain t no alcohol in it. I invented 
 it and I been livin on it all week. Look 
 me over and 
 
 "Gimme a bite!" yells Alex. 
 
 He grabs this weird lookin slab of gue 
 and takes a mouthful.
 
 1 50 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They s just two 
 things I wanna know. What does it cost 
 to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific 
 tests?" 
 
 "It costs about two cents a square, roughly 
 speakin ," says Hector, "and it ll stand any 
 test in the world! Three of them things is 
 the day s food for a healthy man and 
 
 "Will you lend me one for two days?" 
 asks Alex, reachin for his coat and hat. 
 
 Hector pulls out another package. 
 
 "Sure!" he says. "I brung one along for 
 you, because you claimed you was the same 
 as me when it come to 
 
 But Alex and the trick cake of collapsible 
 food was gone! 
 
 He showed up at the ball park the end 
 of the week, when Hector was pitchin 
 against the Red Sox. They got seven runs 
 off him in the second innin and I was just 
 yankin him out, when Alex come runnin 
 down to the dugout. 
 
 "Hector!" he hollers. "You re a rich
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 151 
 
 man! No more baseball for yours why, 
 you can buy a team if you want it and 
 
 "I thought you claimed you never drank," 
 I says. 
 
 "What is your friend ravin about?" in 
 quires Hector. 
 
 Alex answers by shovin a pink slip of 
 paper into his hands. It was the first check 
 for fifty thousand bucks I ever seen in my 
 life and it was signed by the secretary of the 
 U. S. treasury! 
 
 "Why what kinda stuff is this?" mut 
 ters Hector, turnin the check over and over. 
 "It s made out to me! Why who where 
 who give you 
 
 "It s all yours!" says Alex, rubbin his 
 hands together and displayin all his back 
 teeth. "I took your food to Washington 
 and got the government experts to try it out. 
 They been lookin for a one-piece ration 
 for the army. They wanted somethin 
 cheap, palatable and nourishin that the men 
 would take to. They was after a food that
 
 152 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 could be easily packed and shipped. They 
 give your food every possible test and ac 
 cepted it. That fifty thousand is only a 
 first payment we still got four hundred 
 and fifty thousand comin for the invention 
 and" 
 
 "My Gawdl" gasps Hector. "They give 
 up all this money for that?" 
 
 "Sure!" rattles on Alex. "And all you 
 gotta do is go to the laboratory they re 
 gonna build and show em how to make it. 
 We still got four hundred and 
 
 "Where d ye get that we stuff?" I butts 
 in, seem my bet with Alex goin south. 
 "Hector put that over and 
 
 "And I put him over!" says Alex. "I m 
 the young feller that showed him where his 
 ace was! I therefore take one thousand 
 dollars from you, with that weddin chest 
 of silver, and I ll only charge Hector ten 
 per cent of his profits, as he was my first 
 patient. I " 
 
 "Let s git outa here!" pipes Hector
 
 PLAY YOUR ACE! 153 
 
 hoarsely. "Think of me with fifty thou 
 sand berries and more on the fire!" 
 
 Well, we all met at the flat the next after 
 noon to celebrate. The wife suggested a 
 theatre party with all that goes with it, and 
 I was lookin over the papers to pick out 
 a good show. Alex is walkin up and down 
 the room, rubbin them hands of his to 
 gether. 
 
 "Well, well, well!" he says, slappin Hec 
 tor on the back. "To think that the days 
 of slavery is all over! No more reportin 
 at the ball park every day, no more spring 
 trainin , no more watchin em hit and run. 
 That must be great after seven years of hav- 
 in to see it and 
 
 "Yeh!" mumbles Hector, kinda glum. 
 He s all dressed up like a broken arm and 
 takin it just as hard. 
 
 "Well," I says, "where will we go? We 
 got all the shows in New York to pick 
 from and " 
 
 "Get one that will give Mister Sells a
 
 154 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 chance to really relax and enjoy himself," 
 says the wife. "Somethin that will allow 
 him to forget his former 
 
 "Why not ask Hector?" says Alex. 
 "Where would you like to go, Mister 
 Sells?" 
 
 Hector gets up and fumbles with his hat. 
 
 "Say!" he says. "Let s all go out and sec 
 the ball game, heh?"
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 
 
 LISTEN! If you ever wake up some 
 mornin with an idea for somethin 
 new whether it s a soup, a vaudeville act 
 or a religion and you expect to cash on 
 it, go to the nearest hardware store and ask 
 the guy behind the counter how much he ll 
 take for all the locks in the joint. Take 
 em at any price and fasten em on the door 
 of the safe where you keep the idea the 
 same bein your mouth and then throw the 
 keys in any good, deep river! 
 
 If the inventors of stud poker, movin 
 pictures, the alligator pear, pneumonia and 
 so forth had gone around talkin about them 
 things before they got em patented they 
 never would of took in a nickel on their 
 idea, but their friends would be draggin 
 down the royalties yet! The minute you 
 155
 
 156 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 tip another guy to your stunt it s yours and 
 his both. He mightn t mean to steal your 
 stuff, but he can t help himself. The more 
 he thinks about it, the better he likes it, and 
 it ain t long before he gets believin it was 
 his idea anyways and where do you get off 
 by claimin you thought of it? 
 
 I admit freely that you can t cash on your 
 scheme unless you get it before the world, 
 but the thing is to wait till you got it cov 
 ered with so many copyrights and patents 
 that not even the James Boys could steal it 
 and then tell em all at once! 
 
 If Edgar Simmons had of did that, he d 
 be a rich millionaire to-day instead of havin 
 to cut his winnin s with Alex. Edgar had 
 an idea, and he didn t know what to do 
 with it. 
 
 Alex did! 
 
 The wife and I is sittin down to the 
 evenin meal one night, when the telephone 
 rings. Only one of us got up. 
 
 "Hello!" I says.
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 157 
 
 "Hello!" is the answer. "This is Alex. 
 What would you say to me runnin up there 
 to supper to-night?" 
 
 "Nothin ," I answers. "I see where they 
 was a guy got pinched only last week for 
 swearin over the phone!" 
 
 "Look here!" he says, kinda peeved. 
 "Do you want me to come up there to-night 
 or don t you?" 
 
 "Don t you!" I says. 
 
 "They s plenty of places where they 
 would be glad to have me to dinner," he 
 snarls. "Places that is just as good as 
 yours!" 
 
 "How do you know how good they are?" 
 I says. "You ain t never tried no dinners 
 nowheres else but up here." 
 
 "They ain t no man can keep me from 
 seein my cousin!" he says. "Tell Alice I ll 
 be right up!" 
 
 I hung up the phone. 
 
 "Well," I says to the wife, "I got bad 
 news for you."
 
 158 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Who was it?" she asks, droppin the 
 knittin layout on the floor. 
 
 "That trick relative of yours," I tells her. 
 "He s comin up here for dinner again, so 
 I guess I ll go down to the corner and play 
 a little pinochle." 
 
 "You ought to be the weather man," says 
 the wife, "you re such a rotten guesser! 
 You ain t goin nowheres. You re gonna 
 stay here and help entertain Alex." 
 
 "Entertain him?" I says. "What d ye 
 think I am a trained seal or somethin ?" 
 
 "Don t kid yourself!" she says. "You 
 ain t even makin the money I could get 
 with a trained seal! You gotta stop this 
 pinochle thing you don t see Alex wastin 
 his time playin pinochle with a lotta 
 loafers!" 
 
 "You bet you don t!" I comes back. 
 "You ll never see Alex playin no game 
 where they s a chance of the other guy win- 
 nin ! He wouldn t bet zero was cold! 
 And don t be callin my friends loafers
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 159 
 
 every one of them guys is successful busi 
 ness men!" 
 
 "That mob you hid out in here one night 
 looked like a lotta plumbers to me!" she 
 says. "Any man who sits up half the night 
 playin cards is a loafer!" 
 
 "One of them loafers I while away my 
 time with lives in the next flat," I says, 
 "and the dumbwaiter door is wide open." 
 
 "I don t care," says the wife, flushin all 
 up. "Let him hear me!" 
 
 "I ain t stoppin him," I says. "But you 
 don t want it to get rumored all over New 
 York that you and me is quarrelin , do 
 you?" 
 
 The wife s answer is nothin . She walks 
 over to the window and looks out on Man 
 hattan, doin a soft shoe dance with one toe 
 on the floor. If bein good lookin was 
 water, she d be Niagara Falls. You ve 
 seen her picture many a time on a can of 
 massage cream which she never touched 
 in her life! The label claims it was this
 
 160 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 stuff that put her over, but she don t know 
 whether rouge is for red cheeks or measles. 
 They ain t a day goes by without some 
 movie company pesterin her to sign up, and 
 she can write her own ticket when it comes 
 to salary. Well, I m in dutch again, but I 
 don t care! This here knockout is wed to 
 me, and they ain t nothin can give me the 
 blues! 
 
 "Listen!" I says. "Honey, we only been 
 wed ten years and here we are scrappin 
 already!" 
 
 She turns on the weeps and I m across 
 the floor like a startled rabbit. We come 
 to terms in about five minutes, and as far 
 as a disinterested stranger could of seen, 
 everything is O. K. again. 
 
 "Well," I says, finally, "you ain t mad at 
 me no more, heh, honey?" 
 
 She wags her head, no. 
 
 "We got that all settled, heh?" I says. 
 
 Her head is on my shoulder and why 
 shouldn t it be, and she says yes.
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 161 
 
 They is a pause. To bust it up, I coughs. 4 
 
 "If that pest Alex wasn t comin here to 
 night," I says, "we might go to the theatre." 
 
 "The movies hurts my eyes!" she an 
 swers, givin me a sarcastical smile. 
 
 "D ye mean to give the neighbors the 
 idea I have never staked you to nothin but 
 the movies?" I hollers, gettin sore, natur 
 ally enough. 
 
 "Don t be callin my cousin no pest!" she 
 says and well, we re off again! 
 
 In less than five minutes, some new 
 comers which has a flat across the hall, 
 knocks on the dumbwaiter bell furiously. 
 I answered. 
 
 "Why don t you people let go?" inquires 
 a harsh voice. "We can t stand that tour 
 ney in there no longer!" 
 
 "They ain t no way of puttin a man in 
 jail for movin ," I says. 
 
 "The idea of a man hollerin at his wife 
 like that!" comes a female voice in back of 
 this guy.
 
 1 62 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Shut up I m doin this!" exclaims her 
 lovin spouse, and then they had a melee 
 of their own! 
 
 In the middle of this our doorbell rings 
 and in comes Alex. 
 
 "They should of named this apartment 
 house the Verdun," he says. "They seems 
 to be a battle goin on here every time I 
 come up! I could hear every word you 
 people was sayin as plain as day, away out 
 in the hall!" 
 
 "What did you come in for then?" I asks 
 him. "Especially as you could hear this 
 was the rush hour!" 
 
 He ignores me and kisses the wife a 
 thing he knows gets me wild. 
 
 "Now, boys!" butts in the wife, splittin 
 her world famous grin fifty-fifty, "let s stop 
 quarrelin . They ain t a reason on earth 
 why we can t be friends, even if we are rela 
 tives." 
 
 "When are you gonna have dinner?" asks 
 Alex.
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 163 
 
 "This here s eatless night with us," I 
 says. "Not to give you a short answer." 
 
 "Don t pay no attention to him, Alex," 
 says the wife. "You know you can eat here 
 whenever you want." 
 
 "Sure!" I says. "Don t mind me. All 
 I gotta do is pay for this stuff that s all!" 
 
 The wife gimme a bitter glance. 
 
 "That s right," she says. "Tell the 
 world that I have wed a tightwad!" 
 
 "What d ye mean?" I hollers. "I m as 
 loose as ashes with my money and they ain t 
 nobody knows it better than you. I don t 
 even moan over the monthly phone bill, 
 which from the last one you musta been 
 callin up friends in Australia!" 
 
 "Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing s 
 gotta stop! Come on, kiss and make up. 
 The first thing you know the Red Cross will 
 be openin a branch here. If I didn t know 
 how much you people loved each other, I d 
 get the idea that you was really angry." 
 
 "Of course we love each other!" I says.
 
 1 64 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "We only pull this now and then so s we 
 won t get sickenin to the neighbors by bill- 
 in and cooin all the time! Ain t I right, 
 honey?" 
 
 "Are you sorry?" inquires the wife. 
 
 "Sorry?" I says. "Why, I d go out and 
 buy a tube of carbolic acid if it wasn t so 
 high!" 
 
 With that they was peace. 
 
 We re just sittin down to a well-earned 
 meal, when the bell rings again. Actin as 
 maid is one of the best things I do around 
 my five rooms, if you count the bath, so I 
 answered it. They was a man and a woman 
 standin there and my heart run up to play 
 with my tonsils when I seen them. I fig 
 ured they was a couple more guests for din 
 ner and you knew what they re askin for 
 steak these days. 
 
 "I m sorry to bother you," says the dame, 
 "but we are the people who live in the flat 
 right under yours." 
 
 "If you think we re too noisy, moan to
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 165 
 
 the landlord!" I says, "I gotta right to stage 
 an argument in my flat whenever I so 
 choose!" 
 
 She giggles. The guy that was with her 
 don t make a sound. 
 
 "Why, I m sure we never heard any noise 
 from above," she says. "I think you and 
 your wife are no doubt the quietest folks 
 in the whole house." 
 
 Oh, boy!!! 
 
 "How long have you been deaf?" I says. 
 
 "You re just like your wife claims," she 
 grins. "Full of life and fun! But I m 
 keepin you from your food, ain t I? I 
 wanted to know if you d let Mister Sim 
 mons climb down your fire escape." 
 
 "Feed him some veronal," I says, "and 
 he ll no doubt be O. K. in the mornin . 
 The first day is always tough!" 
 
 "Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I 
 merely asked if my husband could climb 
 down your fire escape."
 
 1 66 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 I seen I had wild pitched the first time, 
 so I tried my luck again. 
 
 "Is your joint on fire?" I says. 
 
 "Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are 
 locked out. My husband invented a new 
 kind of lock he s always inventing some 
 thing that will do everything but work. 
 He put this lock on our door and now he 
 can t open it himself! Isn t that killing?" 
 
 "A riot!" I admits. "Come right in." 
 
 The wife is gettin nervous at me bein 
 out there so long, and when she heard a fe 
 male voice laughin , of course that didn t 
 help matters none. She meets this dame 
 half way in the hall and the minute they 
 seen each other they fall together in fond 
 embrace. I found out later they d known 
 each other as long as a week and the last 
 time they met was an hour before. 
 
 Well, we get introduced all around and 
 then this bird which invented a lock that 
 nobody on earth could open, includin him 
 self, goes out on the fire escape followed
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 167 
 
 by his charmin wife. They entered their 
 flat by the novel method of usin the kitchen 
 window. This guy didn t open his mouth 
 from the time he come in till he went out, 
 and when spoke to, he blushed all over and 
 acted like he wished to Heaven he could 
 hide under the sofa. His wife, though, 
 had nothin against conversation as a sport. 
 She was talkin when she come in and she 
 went out the same way. I never seen no 
 body in my life who could talk as fast and 
 frequent as this dame and if her husband 
 had hung that trick lock on her tongue he 
 would of made himself solid with me! 
 
 "That s that lovely Mrs. Simmons," says 
 the wife, when they had went. "It s too 
 bad her husband ain t a live one." 
 
 "Gettin married has buried many a good 
 man!" I says. 
 
 "It didn t change you none," she says. 
 "You was a dead one when I got you!" 
 
 "Here!" butts in Alex. "Don t you peo 
 ple get started again! I wanna finish my
 
 1 68 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 supper in peace. What s wrong with 
 Mister Simmons?" 
 
 "He ain t got no pep," says the wife. 
 "They s many a more ambitious man than 
 he is with a tomb around him ! He s been 
 keepin books for twenty dollars a week 
 since the discovery of arithmetic, and he 
 ain t got a raise since they blowed up the 
 Maine. He s afraid to ask for more money 
 for fear the boss will find out he s on the 
 pay roll and fire him. They s one ounce 
 more brains in a billiard ball than they is in 
 his head. He" 
 
 "Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here 
 sounds interestin to me. In the first place, 
 they ain t a doubt in my mind but what 
 you got that feller figured all wrong! Like 
 all the rest of you simple minded and inno 
 cent New Yorkers, you get brains and 
 imagination mixed. They is a big differ 
 ence! Brains is what puts a man over, and 
 imagination is what keeps him back. The 
 ideal combination is all brains and no
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 169 
 
 imagination! The feller with brains sets 
 his mind on what he wants, forgets 
 everything else, goes to it and gets it. 
 He don t for a minute consider what might 
 happen if he fails, or that the thing he 
 proposes has never been done before, or 
 that maybe his scheme ain t really as good 
 as he first thought it was. Why don t 
 he think of them things? Because he 
 ain t got no imagination! The imaginative 
 feller is beat from the start. He keeps 
 thinkin from every possible angle, what 
 might happen to him if he fails and, by the 
 time he gets that all figured out, his idea 
 is cold and his enthusiasm for it has 
 drowned in the sea of possibilities his roam- 
 in mind has created! The feller which 
 said, Look before you leap! might of been 
 clever, but I bet he thought a five-dollar 
 bill was as big as they made em till he went 
 to his grave! If I d had imagination, I d 
 never of come to New York and made good. 
 I d of been afraid the town was too big for
 
 170 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 me. Now this feller Simmons, I ll betcha, 
 is simply sufferin from a case of too much 
 imagination. He must have somethin in 
 his head or he couldn t even keep books. 
 It takes brains to balance accounts, the same 
 as it takes money to pay em. Am I 
 right?" 
 
 "What d ye say, if we go to the movies?" 
 I says. 
 
 Alex gets up in disgust. 
 
 "Is that all the interest I m gettin here?" 
 he asks. 
 
 "This ain t no bank!" I tells him. 
 
 "Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every 
 word you said, Alex dear. I think you re 
 horribly interestin . But I still claim Sim 
 mons is a fat-head whose butcher bill gives 
 him trouble every month! He never takes 
 that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk 
 past the Fifth Avenue Library, and she 
 don t know if they have dancin or swimmin 
 in cabarets. He s always drawin things on 
 pieces of paper, and he sits up half the
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 171 
 
 night inventin what-nots that would be all 
 right, if they wasn t useless." 
 
 "Yes," says Alex, "and some day he ll hit 
 on somethin that ll prob ly make him fa 
 mous!" 
 
 "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in The 
 Vaccinated Vampire ," I says, reachin for 
 my hat. "I seen her last week in Almost 
 A Fiend and she was a knockout!" 
 
 "Shut up!" says the wife. "What was 
 you sayin , again, Alex?" 
 
 "I says it s the dreamer which has made 
 the world what it is to-day," he goes on, 
 strikin a pose. "He thinks of somethin 
 and the practical feller comes along and 
 makes money out of it. Take 
 
 "They ain t no man can keep me from 
 the movies!" I butts in. "I ain t gonna be 
 late and only see half of this picture. I 
 done that too often! You and Alice can 
 fight it out amongst yourselves if 
 
 "All right!" says the wife. "Come on, 
 we ll all go. I admit freely I m crazy to
 
 172 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen 
 a gown on her in the last picture which I 
 think I can duplicate in time for Mrs. Mar 
 tin s card party. We ll ask Mr. and Mrs. 
 Simmons to go with us too. The poor 
 dear, it ll be a t-reat for her." 
 
 "It ll be a treat for her husband, too!" 
 I says. "I ain t gonna take the whole 
 neighborhood to the movies. You must 
 think I m the Liberty Loan, don t you?" 
 
 The wife comes over and kisses me. 
 
 "Now, dear," she says. "Don t be so 
 close across the chest. Won t you take em 
 for me?" 
 
 Well, when all Broadway used to roll 
 over and play dead when she pulled that 
 smile, what chance have / got? 
 
 "I d take carbolic for you!" I answers, 
 givin her a squeeze. "Go ahead, honey, 
 invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone 
 book if you want and I ll take em all !" 
 
 "There you go," she says. "No wonder 
 we re not wealthy! If it wasn t for me
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 173 
 
 holdin you down, we wouldn t have a 
 nickel. I ll call down and tell Mrs. Sim 
 mons to get ready they may have an en 
 gagement themselves!" 
 
 "I doubt if I m lucky enough for that to 
 happen!" I says. 
 
 Well, I missed out again. They come up 
 all right, and Mrs. Simmons is tickled to 
 death. When set for the street, she was a 
 pretty good looker herself, but Simmons 
 ain t even got a hat with him. 
 
 "Mister Simmons prefers to stay at 
 home," says his wife, causin my heart to 
 leap with joy. "He has some important 
 work to do, haven t you, dear?" 
 
 Simmons flushes all up. 
 
 "Why eh yes quite so much obliged 
 excuse me," he stutters, backin away like 
 he thought I d wallop him for not goin . 
 
 Alex is lookin at him strangely. 
 
 "Pardon me," he says. "We just been 
 talkin over some of the wonderful ideas 
 you been workin on. I have a inventive
 
 174 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 twist in my brains myself and that lock you 
 put together interests me very much. 
 Could I see it?" 
 
 Simmons brightens up in a flash and com 
 mences to grin. 
 
 "I d be very glad indeed to show it to 
 you," he says. "Very glad! It s a 
 
 Alex goes over and puts his arm on his 
 shoulder. 
 
 "You folks run along to the movies," he 
 tells us. "Mr. Simmons and me is got a 
 little conference on eh, Simmons?" He 
 prods him in the ribs and giggles. 
 
 Simmons wags his head. A guy with 
 two glass eyes could see he was tickled silly. 
 
 I dragged the rest of em out. 
 
 Well, we come in from the movie around 
 eleven o clock and stopped in the Simmons 
 flat. They had dragged me into a delica 
 tessen parlor on the way back and put the 
 bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat 
 it in Mrs. Simmons s flat. All she furn 
 ished was the idea. Alex and Simmons is
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 175 
 
 sittin in the dinin room and they re so in 
 terested in each other they don t even look 
 up when we come in. The table is full of 
 drawin s and blue prints and scraps of paper 
 all covered over with figures. Simmons is 
 pointin out somethin to Alex on a piece of 
 paper, and I ll lay the world four to one 
 Alex ain t got the slightest idea what the 
 other guy s talkin about, but he s listenin 
 like he s hearin the secret of makin gold 
 outa mud. 
 
 "I ll bet you have gone to work and bored 
 Mister Hanley half to death!" says his wife. 
 "How often have I told you that strangers 
 is not interested in them fool ideas of 
 yours?" 
 
 "Not at all!" says Alex. "I fail to recall 
 when I spent such a enjoyable night. 
 Mister Simmons is a genius, if they ever 
 was one, and I predict a great future for 
 his automatic cocktail shaker. Then, if he 
 gets his keyless lock workin right, why 
 
 "Let s eat in the kitchen, it s cosier," in-
 
 176 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 terrupts Mrs. Simmons. "Do you folks 
 mind?" 
 
 They was no bloodshed over it, and we all 
 went in. Simmons claims he would like to 
 change his collar, and invites me back to 
 look over the flat, a treat the wife has al 
 ready had. Once we get in his boudoir, he 
 finds they is everything in the world in it 
 with the exception of a clean collar, and he 
 calls Mrs. Simmons to the rescue. 
 
 "Here!" she says, handin him the laun 
 dry. "Hurry up, so s we can eat. He s al 
 ways losin somethin !" she remarks. 
 
 I got a comical atfswer on the tip of my 
 tongue, when Simmons drops his collar but 
 ton on the floor, and, the same as all the 
 other collar buttons in the world, they 
 picked out the furtherest corners of the 
 room to roll into. The poor boob gets as 
 red as a four-alarm fire and goes crawlin 
 around the room tryin to run them collar 
 buttons down. 
 
 "It s too bad them buttons wasn t made of
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 177 
 
 rubber," I says, thinkin to pass the thing 
 off. "They would of bounced right back in 
 your hand, hey?" 
 
 He straightens up like he had stepped 
 on a egg and runs his hands through his 
 hair. 
 
 "A rubber -collar button!" he mutters. 
 "A rubber collar button! No no not 
 rubber, but 
 
 "My Gawd!" cuts in Mrs. Simmons. 
 "Will he ever stop it? Sit down and eat, 
 folks, he s ravin again! Here, Edgar, try 
 some of this cold ham. It set our friends 
 back a dollar and it ought to be good!" 
 
 "I m I m sorry!" pipes Edgar, movin 
 away with that little, nervous step of his. 
 "I couldn t eat a thing. I got a headache, I 
 guess I excuse me, but I ll see you all 
 again." 
 
 With that he blows. 
 
 "Ain t he the limit?" inquires Mrs. Sim 
 mons, grabbin the choicest bits of that ham 
 and goin south with it.
 
 178 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Mine s worse!" remarks the wife. 
 "What would them men ever do without 
 us?" 
 
 "Save money!" I says. "Slip me some 
 of that cold chicken, will you? I got a 
 stomach, too!" 
 
 Well, we didn t see Edgar Simmons no 
 more that night. In fact it was all of two 
 weeks before he appeared again, and then 
 it was by way of the phone. He asked me if 
 I would tell my Cousin Alex to come down 
 at once, he had somethin very important 
 to tell him. I waited till supper had come 
 and gone that night, and then I got hold of 
 Alex. The wife and Mrs. Simmons went 
 to the theatre together and I arranged the 
 conference for my flat. The minute Alex 
 arrived I phoned Simmons and he come 
 right up. He s all excited over somethin 
 and he s got a parcel under his arm. 
 
 "I have followed your advice," he tells 
 Alex, "and at last I ve invented something 
 practical. There s millions in it!"
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 179 
 
 "What?" I says. The mint?" 
 
 Alex kicks me in the shins under the table 
 so hard that I moaned aloud. 
 
 "What is it?" he asks. 
 
 Simmons unwraps the parcel and pulls 
 out a piece of cloth. It s the neckband of 
 a shirt and the same as the ordinary neck 
 band in every way except it s got collar 
 buttons built right into it! 
 
 "What s the idea?" I asks. 
 
 "Heavens, man, can t you grasp it?" says 
 Simmons, slammin the table with his fist. 
 "Here we have the only collar button in the 
 world that can t be lost! .You never have 
 to look for it, because it s always attached 
 to the shirt. You can t lose the button un 
 less you lo*se the s hirt! It s made right with 
 it! It" 
 
 "Wait!" butts in Alex, leapin to his feet. 
 "Simmons you have got somethin ! Is it 
 patented?" 
 
 "Yes," says Simmons.
 
 i8o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Have you felt out the shirt people on 
 it?" asks Alex next. 
 
 "That s what I wanted -to see you about," 
 says Simmons. "I can t get them to look at 
 it! I get shifted from one subordinate to 
 another and they seem to think I m some 
 sort of a crank. If I could only get it be 
 fore Philip Calder, the president of the 
 Brown-Calder Shirt Company, I d be 
 made!" 
 
 "Hmm !" grunts Alex. "Well, what d ye 
 want me to do?" 
 
 Simmons coughs and fidgets with the 
 button. 
 
 "It struck me when you was talkin to 
 me the other night," he says, "that if there 
 was one man in New York who could see 
 Calder and make him realize the merits of 
 my invention, you were that man! Will 
 you try it?" 
 
 "I ll do it!" answers Alex. "Gimme the 
 model and you ll hear from me in a few 
 days. Do you wish to sell the neckbands
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 181 
 
 themselves, or just the patent on your idea?" 
 
 "I don t care who makes the neckbands," 
 says Simmons, "as long as I get paid for my 
 invention! Of course, I don t expect you to 
 help me for nothing, either." 
 
 "Ha! ha!" I butts in. "That bird 
 wouldn t tell you the time for nothin . 
 You ll be lucky if you ever even see that 
 invention any more!" 
 
 "Don t mind my cousin," Alex tells him. 
 "Outside of a tendency to the measles, he s 
 the worst thing we got in our family! 
 We ll take up the financial end of this later." 
 
 Bright and early the next mornin , or 
 eleven o clock to be exact, Alex invites me 
 to go with him so s I can watch how he 
 would go about seein the president of the 
 Brown-Calder Company and sellin him the 
 Simmons patent collar button. As they is 
 always a chance that Alex will fall down, I 
 went along. We had no trouble at all 
 landin outside the president s office, but 
 once we got there it was different.
 
 1 82 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Is Mister Calder in?" says Alex to a 
 blond stenographer, which looks like them 
 movie queens would like to. 
 
 She puts four stray hairs back of her left 
 ear and arises. 
 
 "Have you got an appointment?" she in 
 quires. 
 
 "No," grins Alex, "my nose got that way 
 from bein hit with a baseball." 
 
 She had lovely teeth and showed em to 
 us. 
 
 "Cards?" she says next, lookin from one 
 of us to the other. 
 
 "I ll play these!" says Alex. "Listen! 
 I wanna go in Mister Calder s office with 
 out bein announced. I ain t seen him for 
 years and he ll be tickled silly when we 
 meet. I wanna sneak in and just be there 
 the first time he looks around. I m a sur 
 prise see?" 
 
 She looks kinda doubtful. 
 
 "W-e-11, I don t know," she says. "I ve 
 only been here since yesterday, but my or-
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 183 
 
 ders is to let nobody past this gate without 
 first findin out their business and so forth. 
 Still and all, I don t wanna be harsh with 
 none of the boss s old college chums or 
 nothin like that. If you can guarantee I 
 won t lose my job, I ll let you get away with 
 it." 
 
 "If you lose your job," says Alex, openin 
 the gate and pullin me in after him, "I ll 
 hire you for five dollars more than you re 
 gettin here. All right?" 
 
 "I only trust you re man enough to keep 
 your word," she says. "The boss s office 
 is the first one to the left." 
 
 "Thanks," says Alex. "Them eyes of 
 yours is alone worth the trip!" 
 
 This guy Calder s door is open and he s 
 sittin at a big desk writin away on some- 
 thin like everything depended on speed. 
 He s a great, big fat bird, with one of them 
 trick Chaplin mustaches and he s smokin 
 a cigar as big as he is. His head is playin 
 it s hairless day. All in all, he looked like
 
 1 84 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 big business, and my knees is knockin to 
 gether till I m afraid he ll hear em and 
 turn around. Alex gumshoes up to the 
 desk and without sayin a word, he lays the 
 neckband right down beside Calder, who 
 immediately swings around with a snort 
 
 "What s all this how did you get in 
 here?" he bellers. 
 
 "We took the subway down from Ninety- 
 sixth Street," says Alex. "That thing you 
 got in your hand is the neckband of a shirt." 
 
 "Well?" growls Calder, tappin the desk 
 with a lead pencil. 
 
 "It contains two collar buttons one front 
 and one back," says Alex. "As you may 
 have noticed, they are built right into the 
 cloth and are meant to come attached to the 
 shirt. This does away forever with the 
 necessity of buying a collar button. It can 
 not be broken, lost or mislaid. Any shirt 
 manufacturer making shirts with this neck 
 band attached will naturally have the bulge 
 on his rivals. I can turn out the neckband
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 185 
 
 for practically nothing. I hold the patent." 
 
 Calder sneers. 
 
 "Hal" he says. "There s a million 
 cranks come in my office every day. I sup 
 pose you want to sell me this, eh?" 
 
 "No, sir!" says Alex, with a pleasant 
 grin. 
 
 I liked to fell through the floor at that! 
 
 "No, sir?" repeats Calder, droppin the 
 pencil. 
 
 "No, sir!" answers Alex. 
 
 "Well, what the what do you want 
 then?" roars Calder. "Come now, speak 
 up. I ll give you five minutes, that s all!" 
 
 "That s three minutes more than / got 
 to spare!" chirps Alex, pullin over a chair. 
 "I don t want you to buy this neckband, 
 Mister Calder. What I want is this I 
 know that you are the greatest authority on 
 shirts and everything connected with the 
 business, in the United States if not in the 
 world! I think I have a big thing here, a 
 thing that will revolutionize one end of that
 
 1 86 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 business. I say I think so, because I don t 
 know. Now the concern I represent 
 wants your opinion of it. We re willing to 
 pay to have you, the world s greatest author 
 ity, go on record as to the merits of this in 
 vention. If you say it s no good, I ll throw 
 it away and forget about it; if you say it s 
 good, I ll have no trouble placing it any 
 where in the world!" 
 
 Well, say! That old guy brightens all 
 up when Alex calls him the champion shirt- 
 maker of the world, and pickin up the 
 band, he turns it over in his hands a few 
 times. You could see that the old salve 
 Alex handed him had gone big! 
 
 "Hmph!" he says, finally. "How much 
 would these things cost me?" 
 
 "Roughly speakin , about three cents 
 each," says Alex. 
 
 "How long will they stand up under 
 laundering?" is the next question Calder 
 fires at him. 
 
 "They re the only thing that won t come
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 187 
 
 out in the wash!" answers Alex, without 
 battin an eye. 
 
 The old guy smiles and presses a button. 
 In comes a clerk. 
 
 "Send in Mister Lacy, no matter what 
 he s doing, at once!" barks Calder. He 
 turns to Alex as the clerk flees from the 
 room. "Have you been anywhere else with 
 this?" he asks. 
 
 Alex looks pained. 
 
 "Why, Mister Calder!" he says, "cer 
 tainly not! Before I went any further I 
 wanted the opinion of the greatest 
 
 This Lacy guy comes in. 
 
 "Mister Lacy is superintendent of our 
 manufacturing department," says Calder. 
 "I m going to talk with him for three min 
 utes about the effect of the war on the onion 
 crop in Beloochistan. I ll send for you at 
 the expiration of that time. Ah you can 
 leave the ah neckband here!" 
 
 "Pardon me!" says Alex, "I have got to 
 be up at the office of the Evers-Raine Shirt
 
 i88 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Company at three and I can just about make 
 it." 
 
 "What the devil are you going to another 
 shirt company for?" roars Calder. 
 
 "I have an old friend in the ah manu 
 facturing department," says Alex, lookin 
 straight at him, "who I m very anxious to 
 see." 
 
 Well, they stare at each other for a min 
 ute without sayin a word. They re both 
 playin poker, and it s Calder who lays his 
 down first! 
 
 "Look here!" he grunts. "I m going to 
 take an option on this infernal thing for 
 a week. How much is that worth to you?" 
 
 "Ten thousand dollars," answers Alex, 
 pleasantly. 
 
 "I ll pay seven and give you a check right 
 now!" says Calder, slammin the desk with 
 his fist. "Here, Lacy!" he says to the other 
 guy. "This is what we ll put on our shirts 
 hereafter, unless I m very much mistaken ! 
 What do you think of it?"
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 189 
 
 Lacy picks up the neckband and looks 
 at it. 
 
 "And to think," he mutters in an awed 
 voice. "And to think nobody ever thought 
 of this before!" 
 
 "Hmm!" says Calder, takin the band 
 back. "That s all settled then! Young 
 man," he says to Alex, "the cashier will give 
 you a check. Come back at the end of the 
 week and I ll either give you back your 
 neckband, or a contract for five hundred 
 thousand of them a year for twenty years!" 
 
 "Thanks!" says Alex. "Will you have 
 that check certified?" 
 
 Well, Simmons like to went insane with 
 joy when we sprung the news on him and 
 Alex insists on him takin that seven thou 
 sand dollar check whole. He didn t ask 
 for a nickel, which had me puzzled. Mrs. 
 Simmons goes out shoppin for furs, dia 
 monds and automobiles, and the wife asks 
 me why / don t invent something but out 
 side of that they was nothin more doin till
 
 190 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the end of the week. Then, Alex comes 
 up and breaks the news to Simmons that the 
 Brown-Calder Shirt Company will take all 
 the neckbands that Simmons can supply, as 
 long as people wear shirts. 
 
 "We have got to deliver 50,000 in a 
 month," says Alex, "at the rate of two and 
 a half cents apiece. Can you do it?" 
 
 Simmons falls back on the sofa in a dead 
 faint! 
 
 Well, they was great excitement and the 
 wife finally brings him to life with smellin 
 salts. 
 
 "It was prob ly the sudden mention of 
 so much money, eh?" I says. 
 
 "I m ruined!" hollers Simmons, leapin 
 up and dancin around. "Why, it took me 
 two weeks to make that one miserable model 
 I gave you!" he yells at Alex. "I couldn t 
 make fifty thousand of them things in a life 
 time!" 
 
 Alex s eyes glitters. 
 
 "Here!" he says, slappin Simmons on
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 191 
 
 the back. "Pull yourself together, man! 
 You ve got to think of somethin . How did 
 you make that one?" 
 
 "By hand!" wails Simmons. 
 
 "Well, they must be some way of makin 
 a machine that can turn out so many thou 
 sand an hour!" says Alex, walkin back and 
 forth. "Why" 
 
 "I don t care who makes em!" says Sim 
 mons. "All I want is to get paid for my 
 idea. I" 
 
 "Listen to me!" interrupts Alex, shakin 
 him. "Can t you invent some kind of a 
 machine for turnin them neckbands out?" 
 
 "Oh, I had a little something figured out 
 the other night," says Simmons, "but what s 
 the use of me botherin with that? Why, a 
 machine of that kind would cost at least 
 twenty thousand dollars to make! Where 
 can I get that much money?" 
 
 "Look here!" Alex tells him. "You got 
 seven and I ll loan you the balance. You 
 get busy on that machine right away
 
 i 9 2 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 there s no time to lose!" He grabs his hat. 
 "Come with me and I ll get you the money 
 and then we ll go to my lawyer and draw 
 up a that is, I ll take your receipt." 
 
 That s the last I seen of either of them 
 for a month. At the end of that time, the 
 wife tells me one day that Mr. and Mrs. 
 Simmons is givin a big dinner that night 
 and that Alex will be there. They ll never 
 notice us no more, if we don t come. Be 
 sides, they re goin for a trip around the 
 country in a few days and this here s a fare 
 well party. 
 
 Well, it s a soup and fish affair, and 
 naturally it takes the wife half the night to 
 get dressed up for it. Fin ly, however, she s 
 dressed to thrill and we blowed in. The 
 minute we did, Simmons pulls me over in 
 a corner where Alex is sittin , smilin like 
 his name was George Q. Goodhumor. 
 
 "Well, sir!" says Simmons, no longer shy 
 and retirin , "I just about cleaned up. My 
 machine is turnin out three thousand bands
 
 DON T GIVE UP THE TIP! 193 
 
 an hour, and I get a cent for each and every 
 one!" 
 
 "You fin ly doped out a machine then, 
 heh?" I says. 
 
 "Oh, yes!" he tells me. "But unfortun 
 ately I don t control it. I have to pay the 
 owner for each band turned out, although 
 it s my invention. But I m satisfied! I 
 got a bonus of twenty-five thousand dollars 
 from the Brown-Calder people for selling 
 them the exclusive rights to use the neck 
 band, and then we have the foreign rights 
 to" 
 
 "Wait!" I cuts in, turnin to Alex. All 
 this big money talk was makin me dizzy. 
 "Where do you get off?" I asks him. 
 
 "Well, I put the neckband over, didn t 
 I?" he says. 
 
 "Yes," I admits, "but Simmons invented 
 it and he gets the royalty. How much cash 
 did he give you?" 
 
 "Nothing!" grins Alex. 
 
 I looked at Simmons.
 
 194 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Perfectly correct!" he says, outgrinnin 
 Alex. 
 
 "You did all that for nothin t" I hol 
 lers, not believin my ears. 
 
 "Well, rfardly that," says Alex, lightin 
 a -half-dollar cigar. "You see I loaned 
 Mister Simmons thirteen thousand dollars, 
 if you remember, so that he could make 
 his machine." 
 
 "Yeh, yeh!" I says, gettin impatient. 
 "And" 
 
 "Well, as it stands now," says Alex, 
 "every time the machine turns out a neck 
 band, he gets a cent out of the two and a half 
 cents profit." 
 
 "Sure he told me that!" I says. "But 
 where do you get off?" 
 
 Alex grins some more. 
 
 "I own the machine!" he says. "Have 
 a cigar, cousin?"
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 
 
 A GUY once said, "Be sure you re right, 
 then go ahead!" and like the bird 
 which invented the sayin , "What are you 
 gonna have?" he became famous on that one 
 line. They s millions of people have re 
 peated both of them remarks since. As far 
 as the last one is concerned, it s about died 
 out now and cracked ice has started gettin 
 acquainted with lemonade and the like in 
 stead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin, 
 which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I 
 never told no man I was a fortune teller, but 
 if I was a bartender right now, believe me, 
 I d spend my nights off studyin the art of 
 makin chocolate nut sundaes and pineapple 
 ice cream sodas, because the time has come 
 with alarmin suddenness when alcohol will 
 
 195
 
 196 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 be used only for rubbin baby s head when 
 he falls off of the table and the like. 
 
 However, that ain t neither here or there, 
 as the guy says which mislaid his watch, so 
 let s get back to the bird which said, "Be 
 sure you re right, then go ahead!" That 
 may be a good line, but it s poor dope for 
 the young. I ll tell the world fair that no 
 winner ever got paid off by stickin strictly 
 to that. If Columbus had waited till some 
 body sent him a souvenir postal from the 
 Bronx, so s he d be sure they really was some 
 choice real estate over here, he never would 
 of discovered America. Napoleon would 
 never of got further than bein a buck pri 
 vate in the army if he d of played safe instead 
 of goin ahead on the "I Should Worry!" 
 plan. I could name a million more guys 
 which got over along the same lines only I 
 hate to walk to the library. But pick up 
 any newspaper and the front page will give 
 you the answer. The guys that go over the 
 top in this well known universe are the boys
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 197 
 
 which goes ahead first and figures what 
 chances they got afterwards. They let the 
 results they get tell whether they re right 
 or not. I don t mean a guy should bust the 
 traffic laws of any of the prominent virtues 
 in order to be a success, they ain t a game on 
 earth that can t be played on the level and 
 won clean, but instead of askin yourself, 
 "Can I do it?" say, "This will be soft for 
 me!" and you re a odds on favorite to win! 
 
 Me and the wife is sittin down to break 
 fast one mornin , and I have barely had time 
 to find fault with the eggs when they s a ring 
 at the bell. 
 
 "See who that is, will you, dear?" says the 
 wife, turnin a page of the Mornin Shrap 
 nel and shootin the smile that used to jam 
 the Winter Garden in my direction. "You 
 know how tired I am in the mornings." 
 
 "Yeh," I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin 
 grape fruit is enough to wear down the 
 strongest. Since how long have I became 
 the maid around here?"
 
 198 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Before we were married," she says, sink- 
 in the last of the cream in her coffee a 
 thing she knows full well practically always 
 enrages me. "Before we was wed, you 
 claimed you d do anything for me." 
 
 "A man can kid, can t he?" I says. 
 
 "Don t get catty, dear," says the wife, 
 still featurin that million dollar smile. 
 "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You 
 really should put on your collar and tie be 
 fore answering the door, too." 
 
 "Who d ye think is payin us a call Wil 
 son?" I says. "I ain t supposed to wear a 
 dress suit in to breakfast, am I?" 
 
 They is no answer from the trenches 
 across the table, outside of the munchin of 
 food, and as our door bell is makin the tele 
 phone green with envy from the way it was 
 ringin , I went out and opened the portals 
 to our flat. 
 
 In comes Alex the Great, undisputed 
 champion pest of the world. 
 
 He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 199 
 
 wife, pulls a chair up to the table and 
 reaches over for the paper. Every one of 
 them things is sure fire for gettin my goat! 
 
 "No wonder you people never get no- 
 wheresl" he remarks. "Sleepin away half 
 the day. Here it is eleven o clock and you 
 just havin breakfast! I was up at six, had 
 a ice cold bath and walked ten miles." 
 
 "I wish you had of made it eleven!" I 
 says. 
 
 "Why?" he asks me. 
 
 "Because," I says, "that would of brung 
 you a even two blocks past our house and 
 I could of had my breakfast in peace." 
 
 "How often have I told you that I don t 
 come here to see you?" he snarls. "If it 
 wasn t for Cousin Alice, I d never come 
 near your flat!" 
 
 "You stayed away a month once," I says, 
 "and she managed to keep out of the hos 
 pitals." 
 
 "Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys 
 are always snappin at each other. A out-
 
 200 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 sider would think you was in business to 
 gether or something. How is everything, 
 Alex?" 
 
 "Fine!" he says, rubbin his hands to 
 gether and castin a hungry eye over the 
 bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast 
 fit for a king, but the early mornin air 
 gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could 
 stand a little of that bacon and 
 
 "They s only one piece left," I says, spear- 
 in it with my fork. "Try and get it!" 
 
 "Will you be still?" says the wife. "We 
 have plenty in the ice box, Alex, if you want 
 
 some." 
 
 "Don t be blowin about how much food 
 we got in the ice box," I says. "They may 
 be some spies from Hoover s office around." 
 
 "That reminds me," says Alex, makin 
 the best of it by devourin all the crackers 
 and jam. "I expect to go to Washington 
 this week and offer my services to Mister 
 Hoover."
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 201 
 
 "What was you thinkin of doing for Mis 
 ter Hoover, Alex?" says the wife. 
 
 "I got a scheme for ," he begins, when 
 I ceased firm on the bacon and eggs and 
 arose. 
 
 "Listen !" I butts in. "I don t like to walk 
 out in the middle of your act, Alex, but I 
 gotta date. I have just bought a infielder 
 from Jersey City which they tell me is a sec 
 ond Ty Cobb. The last guy which come 
 recommended to me like that acted like hit- 
 tin the ball was a felony and he must of 
 figured that droppin grounders put Cobb 
 over. I have give everything but the fran 
 chise for this new bird, and I wanna see 
 right now if he s one of them things or a ball 
 player." 
 
 "Don t make no engagements for to 
 night," says the wife, "because we re goin 
 to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons." 
 
 "Who s them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says. 
 
 "You could spend a year at the bottom
 
 202 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 of the ocean and never get acquainted with 
 a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons 
 is the people which just moved in across the 
 hall. Her husband is a salesman for a big 
 wholesale clothing house downtown and if 
 you re nice to him he can prob ly get you 
 a raincoat or something, for a great deal 
 different price than you d pay yourself." 
 
 "Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt 
 cost me about ten bucks more, if I bought 
 it from him! I know them birds. That 
 guy will gimme his card and send me down 
 to the foundry where he works, and they ll 
 sell me somethin which has graced their 
 shelves for the last ten years, at ten per cent 
 over the retail price. The public will 
 laugh me outa wearin it and, on top of that, 
 this guy will want the first five rows at the 
 world s series for doin me the favor! 
 Anyways, I don t need no raincoat, I got 
 two already." 
 
 "I never seen nobody like you," says the 
 wife. "I ll bet you think the war was a-
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 203 
 
 frame-up! Accordin to you, nobody or 
 nothin is on the level, and the whole world 
 and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I 
 have already talked with Mister Wilkin 
 son, which is a nice little innocent fellow 
 and not a brute like you which battles night 
 and day with his wife, and he will have a 
 raincoat up here for you to-morrow." 
 
 I throwed up my hands! 
 
 "How much is it?" I says. 
 
 "Practically nothin ," says the wife. 
 "Forty-five dollars." 
 
 Oh, boy! 
 
 "Listen!" I says, openin the door. "Un 
 less that bird has give you his age in mis 
 take for the price of the raincoat, you can 
 tell him that if I had forty-five bucks to 
 hurl away like that I wouldn t wear no rain 
 coat. I wouldn t care if it rained or not!" 
 
 "It s one of the latest trench models," 
 says the wife. "I got two of them. One 
 for myself." 
 
 "You and that lovely little Wilkinson will
 
 204 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 have to shoot craps for them then!" I hol 
 lers. "I wouldn t let him take me for 
 ninety bucks if " 
 
 "They are both paid for long ago," smiles 
 the wife, pinchin my cheek, and pullin 
 the smile that used to get her photo in the 
 magazines. "I give him a check last 
 week!" 
 
 As unfortunately I am nothin but hu 
 man, I beat it before they was violence and 
 bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself 
 with speech, but I managed to let off a little 
 steam before I left by throwin three pil 
 lows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, 
 havin caught him grinnin at me like a 
 idiot. 
 
 It was about six hours before I got back 
 and my temper had failed to improve with 
 age, havin had a rough day at the ball park. 
 We played a double-header with the Phil 
 lies and lost a even two games. Both the 
 scores sounded more like Rockefeller s in 
 come tax than anything else. Iron Man
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 205 
 
 Swain pitched the first game for us and be 
 fore five innin s had come and went, I 
 found out that the only thing iron about 
 him was his nerve in drawin wages as a 
 pitcher. Everybody connected with the 
 Philly team but the batboy got a hit and 
 from the way them guys run around the 
 bases it looked more like a six-day race than 
 a ball game! 
 
 I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second 
 half of the massacre, and all he had was a 
 boil on his arm. As far as his offerin s was 
 concerned, everybody on the Philly club 
 could of been christened Home Run Baker. 
 When he throwed the ball on the club 
 house roof tryin to get a guy nappin off 
 first, lettin in two extry runs instead, I went 
 out to the box and removed him by hand. 
 Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and 
 he s so scared we might win it that he walks 
 the first three men and knocks the fourth 
 guy cold with a inshoot. I didn t even stay 
 to see the finish I had enough!
 
 206 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 One of the features of the day was the 
 work of this so-called "Second Ty Cobb" 
 at short. He come to bat eleven times in 
 the two games and got one hit. That was 
 a left jab from the Philly first baseman 
 which got peeved at bein called a liar and 
 bounced one off the Second Ty Cobb s ear. 
 At fieldin he made more errors than the 
 Kaiser and was just as popular with the 
 crowd. I give up five thousand berries 
 and a outfielder for him, and after them 
 two games I couldn t of sold him as a watch 
 charm to the manager of a high school 
 club! 
 
 From all of this you may get an idea of 
 the sweet humor I was in when I blowed 
 into the flat that night. My idea was to 
 put on the feed bag, and then go around 
 to the corner and play a little pinochle with 
 the gang. Like the guy which fell off 
 Washington s Monument I was doomed to 
 disappointment, because they was quite a 
 little reception committee awaitin me.
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 207 
 
 Among them present besides the wife was 
 Alex and them lovely Wilkinsons. 
 
 The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the 
 regular set husband and wife. They had 
 only been wed about three weeks, new time, 
 and from the way they behaved towards 
 each other, a innocent bystander would 
 think they had only staggered away from 
 the altar a hour before. They sit together 
 on the sofa, three indies closer to each other 
 than the paper is to the wall and both of 
 them must of been palmists judgin from 
 the way they hung on to each other s hands. 
 The male of the layout is a husky kid which 
 either come direct from one of the college 
 football teams or had just knocked off posin 
 for the lingerie ads in the subway. The 
 female would of been a knockout, if my wife 
 had been in Denver, but bein in the same 
 room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinson 
 could do was to finish a good second. They 
 is one thing about the wife, they may be 
 dames which can knit sweaters faster than
 
 208 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 her, but when it comes to bein excitin to 
 gaze upon she leads the league! I don t 
 have to tell the world that, the world keeps 
 tellin it to me. This here is far from our 
 first season as matrimoniacs, and when I say 
 that it still makes me dizzy to look at her, 
 you may get a idea of how she checks up. 
 
 But to get back to them lovely Wilkin 
 sons, they are sittin there on the sofa keep- 
 in a close eye on each other, and Alex is 
 givin em everything he s got in the line 
 of chatter. They re both payin the same 
 undivided attention to him that the Board 
 of Aldermen in Afghanistan pays to the 
 primaries in Bird s Nest, Va. Them 
 babies is too busy gazin on each other and 
 bein happy, and while that stuff gets silly 
 at times they is worse things than that. 
 
 After we have got the introductions all 
 took care of, the wife rushes me down to 
 Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry 
 food on account of these added starters at 
 our modest evenin meal. I got a armful
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 209 
 
 of these here liberty links, nee frankfurters, 
 and some liberty cabbage Which before the 
 Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauer 
 kraut. They ain t no use callin off all the 
 other little trinkets I got to help make the 
 table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover 
 is liable to scan this and I don t wanna get 
 myself in wrong, but when I got through 
 shoppin I didn t have enough change left 
 out of a five-case note to stake myself to a 
 joyride in the subway. 
 
 Just as we re goin to the post in this sup 
 per handicap, the bell rings, and in come 
 Eve, which same is no less than the blushin 
 bride of Alex. They is now so many peo 
 ple in the flat that for all the neighbors 
 know I have opened up a gamblin dive or 
 one of them cabaret things. Everybody 
 is talkin , with the exception of me, which 
 havin sit down to eat proceeded to do so 
 with the greatest abandon, as the guy says. 
 Them three girls the wife, the lovely Mrs. 
 Wilkinson and Eve, was sure some layout
 
 210 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 to have across the table, I ll tell the world 
 fair! They had the front row of the Fol 
 lies lookin like washwomen durin the rush 
 hour, and all I did was sit there and eat 
 and wonder how in Heaven s name they ever 
 come to fall for a set of guys like me, Alex 
 and the lovely Wilkinson. 
 
 Well, the meal come to an end without 
 no violence, and they was only one time 
 when it seemed like boxin gloves would be 
 needed. Even that wasn t exactly my fault. 
 From the general chatter of the lovely Wil 
 kinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, 
 good-lookin bonehead whose greatest trick 
 so far had been marryin his wife. He got 
 my goat a coupla times hand runnin by 
 dealin himself, first, the last piece of bread 
 and, second, the last potato on the table. 
 Either one of them things would of enraged 
 me by themselves, but pullin em together 
 was a open dare to me to commit homicide. 
 I laid for him for a half hour and fin ly I 
 get a openin .
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 211 
 
 "Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears 
 with ambition," says the wife to me across 
 the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of 
 money very shortly." 
 
 "I don t see how they can be no room for 
 him to be packed with nothin else," I says, 
 "after all the meat and potatoes he put away 
 to-night. And as far as that fallin into 
 a lot of money is concerned, he must be fig- 
 urin on stumblin at the door of the mint, 
 hey?" 
 
 They is a dead silence and the lovely 
 Wilkinson give a nervous snicker and piled 
 up his plate with liberty links and cabbage 
 to hide his confusion. Alex laughs like a 
 hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks even pret 
 tier when mad than she did when tryin to 
 be a charmin guest. The wife gimme a 
 glance that would of killed a guy with a 
 weaker heart and tries to laugh it off. 
 
 "You mustn t mind him," she says. 
 "He s always kiddin that way about every-
 
 212 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 thing. Really I m I m so angry I don t 
 know what to do!" 
 
 "I ll tell you what to do," I says. "See 
 if you can get the embargo lifted on that 
 food down at your end of the table and ease 
 a little nourishment up here!" 
 
 "He oughta leave the table!" remarks 
 Alex. 
 
 "You ain t talkin to me!" I says. "I m 
 wonderin if you guys will leave the table 
 or not. You already have eat everything 
 else!" 
 
 "That s right !" says the wife. "Go ahead 
 and advertise the fact that I have married 
 a roughneck!" 
 
 "My neck must of got that way from 
 wearin that sweater you knit me," I says. 
 "Hey, dearie?" 
 
 Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife 
 was gettin ready to bring up the heavy ar 
 tillery so I laid off. 
 
 While the girls is seein what soap and 
 water will do to a pail of dishes, I released
 
 YOU CAN DO IT1 213 
 
 some cigars and us strong men had a even 
 stronger smoke. The lovely Wilkinson 
 seems to have somethin on his mind and 
 says practically nothin , both when he 
 talked and when he didn t. Alex kids me 
 about my ball team and, fin ly, the house 
 hold cares bein attended to in the kitchen, 
 we all set sail for the movies. 
 
 The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss 
 and says for me to buy the tickets. Of 
 course after she done that I don t have to 
 tell you who pushed the quarters in under 
 the cashier s window. The picture we seen 
 was one of them forty-eight reel thrillers 
 and was called "Lunatic Lily s Lover" or 
 somethin like that. They was a guy killed 
 in every reel but the first one. They was 
 three killed in that. The picture must of 
 been made by the local branch of the sui 
 cide club, assisted by a lot of candidates for 
 the insane asylum. I ll tell the world that 
 the guy which wrote the scenario had at 
 least delirium tremens. The girls thought
 
 2i 4 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 it was great, but I knew better and put in 
 my time figurin out on the back of a en 
 velope how many games we had to lose to 
 be in last place by August. 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative 
 once inside the theatre. He starts right in 
 on the picture and claims it s a awful thing. 
 Every time a guy goes over a cliff or dives 
 off of a bridge and all the salesladies and 
 bankers sittin around us gasps out loud, he 
 speaks up and says it s all faked with a trick 
 camera and they ain t none of them really 
 doin nothin at all. He claims he s got 
 a friend which used to sell tickets for a 
 movie theatre and he told him all about it. 
 The more stunts the hero of this picture 
 does, the worse the lovely Wilkinson gets, 
 and it ain t long before he has captured the 
 goat of friend Alex, which is champion 
 moving picture fan of the United States 
 and Coney Island. When the lovely Wil 
 kinson claims that nobody in real life could
 
 How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what a 
 pretty picture you make!" See page 277
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 215 
 
 do the tricks this movie hero was pullin 
 off, Alex butts in. 
 
 "How do you know them things can t be 
 done?" he says. 
 
 "Anybody but an idiot could see that I" 
 says Wilkinson. "The idea of trying to 
 make intelligent people believe that this 
 fellow with his hair brushed back like a 
 rabbit s could sell one of those wealthy mil 
 lionaires gold mines and the like. Why, 
 he d be thrown out of the office and 
 
 "No wonder you ain t a success!" butts 
 in Alex. 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit. 
 
 "How do you know I ain t a success?" 
 he says. "I m making my good twenty-five 
 dollars each and every week." 
 
 "Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell 
 of a feller which was makin thirty, but I 
 ain t sure of it because none of the news 
 papers said a word about it." He turns 
 around and lowers his voice on account of
 
 216 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 some hisses comin from fans in the back. 
 "Look here!" he says. "All jokes to one 
 side, they ain t nothin that this feller done 
 in the picture that can t be done by any 
 body. A man can do anything he wants to, 
 anything, they ain t no limit if he s got 
 enough sand to fight his way through what 
 ever stands in his way I I don t care what 
 the thing is he wants, a man can get any 
 thing if he keeps tryin and 
 
 "You hate yourself, don t you?" butts in 
 the lovely Wilkinson, peevishly. "I sup 
 pose you think you could do anything 
 
 "I do not," says Alex. "I know it! I 
 ain t talkin about myself though, I m talk- 
 in about you. You re a young married fel 
 ler with a sweet, beautiful, and, for all I 
 know, sensible little wife. You people are 
 just startin out, and I want to see you make 
 good. I think you got the stuff in you 
 somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin 
 of the sort, I must say you have been a suc 
 cess at concealin it so far. Twenty-five
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 217 
 
 dollars a week ain t enough wages for no 
 body as long as they s somebody makin 
 twenty-six understand? And if you get 
 where they pay you twenty-five dollars a 
 minute instead of a week, you wanna try and 
 make em think you re worth thirty! The 
 mistake you and a lot of young fellers make 
 is quittin at a given point. They ain t no 
 point to quit! I bet when you was makin 
 eighteen dollars a week you hustled like 
 blazes to make twenty, but when you got up 
 to twenty-five you prob ly told yourself that 
 you was makin as much as most of the boys 
 you knew and more than some, so why wear 
 yourself out and slave for a fatheaded boss, 
 eh? Right in sight of the grandstand you 
 blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you 
 think right now that you re makin good be 
 cause you re holdin down the job, hey? 
 That ain t makin good, that s stealin the 
 boss s money petty larceny, and deprivin 
 your future kids of a even chance a felony! 
 Give the boss everything you got, and he ll
 
 218 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 pay for it. If he don t, get out and dive in 
 somewheres else! They ain t no place on 
 earth where they ain t a openin for a live 
 one at any hour of the day or night!" 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson says nothin . 
 
 Pretty soon and much to my delight, this 
 here picture comes to a end, and while we re 
 goin out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson 
 calls his wife aside and whispers somethin 
 in her ear. It ain t over a second later that 
 we re all invited up to the Wilkinson flat 
 for a little bite and the like before retirin . 
 
 The girls starts a hot and no doubt in- 
 terestin argument about how many purls 
 make a knit and so forth, and the lovely 
 Wilkinson, after fidgetin around a bit, calls 
 us into another room. He closes the door 
 very careful. 
 
 "I got something very personal and very 
 important I d like to speak to you about," 
 he says to Alex. 
 
 "I ll go out on the fire escape," I says. 
 
 "No!" he says. "I want you to stay and
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 219 
 
 hear this too." He turns to Alex again. 
 "I been thinking over what you said in the 
 theatre to-night," he begins, "and I guess 
 you re pretty near right about me. How 
 ever, I have a big chance now to make good 
 and get out of the twenty-five dollar class, 
 only, as usual, luck is against me." 
 
 "They is no such thing as luck," says 
 Alex. "Forget about that luck thing, put 
 the letter *P before the word and you got 
 it! That s the first rule in my booklet, 
 Success While You Wait. I must send 
 you one." 
 
 "Thanks," says the lovely Wilkinson. 
 "You see, I m a salesman for a big whole 
 sale clothing house downtown and right at 
 the beginning of the war I went up to Platts- 
 burg to try for a commission in the army. 
 I was rejected on account of a bad eye. 
 While I was up there, I met Colonel Wil 
 liams, who is now practically in charge of 
 the buying of equipment for the army. I ve 
 been trying for months to land the over-
 
 220 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 coat contract for my house and last week 
 I finally got things lined up. I have got 
 to have one thousand of our storm-proof 
 army coats in Washington by five o clock 
 to-morrow afternoon. At that time, 
 Colonel Williams will see me at the War 
 Department and I can give him prices on 
 various lots and so forth." 
 
 "Why do you have to bring that many 
 coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn t a 
 couple be enough for a sample?" 
 
 "No," says Wilkinson. "These coats are 
 to be given to men in a cantonment near 
 Washington, where they will get actual 
 wear under varying conditions. If I m not 
 in Washington with them at five to-morrow, 
 I ll lose my chance because, the following 
 day, men from four rival houses have ap 
 pointments with the Colonel." 
 
 "Well," I butts in, "what s stoppin you 
 from goin to Washington?" 
 
 "Nothing is stopping me" he says, "but 
 I can t get the coats down there with me in
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 221 
 
 time ! The two shipments that we have sent 
 by freight have gone astray somewhere and, 
 as government supplies have the right of 
 way over all other shipments, the express 
 companies will not guarantee a delivery at 
 any set time." 
 
 "But them coats are government supplies, 
 ain t they?" says Alex. 
 
 "Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. 
 "Not until they are accepted. Right now 
 they are nothing but samples of clothing. 
 I ve gone into that part thoroughly." 
 
 Alex gets up and walks around the room 
 a coupla times, throwin up a smoke screen 
 from his cigar. Then he stops and looks 
 at his watch. 
 
 "It s now almost eleven o clock," he says. 
 "Where are them coats?" 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled. 
 
 "Why," he says. "Why they re in our 
 stock room at 245 Broadway." 
 
 "Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, 
 reachin for his hat.
 
 222 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "I have a key," says Wilkinson, "but I m 
 afraid I don t quite get the idea. I 
 
 "Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. 
 "I m goin to deliver you and one thousand 
 of them overcoats outside the War Depart 
 ment in Washington at five o clock to-mor 
 row afternoon! What will you get if you 
 land this order?" 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his 
 chair. 
 
 "Why I," he splutters, "I get fif 
 teen per cent if but you can t get the coats 
 there, it s impossible! Why " 
 
 "Never let me hear you use that word 
 impossible again!" snorts Alex. "Speak 
 United States! I spent a half hour to-night 
 tellin you that a man can do anything if he 
 wants to. Now look here, they ain t no 
 time to lose. I ll land you and your coats 
 in Washington to-morrow on time. That 
 will cost your firm around a thousand dol 
 lars the same bein the price of the means 
 of locomotion. I will take your word of
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 223 
 
 honor that you will pay me twenty per cent 
 of any profits you make on any order you 
 take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bar 
 gain? Speak quick!" 
 
 "If you are thinking of getting a special 
 train," says Wilkinson, "it can t be " 
 
 "Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I ll take 
 care of the rest!" 
 
 "Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jump- 
 in around like some of Alex s pep has en 
 tered his system. "If you put this over for 
 me, I ll give you half of anything I get!" 
 
 "You re gonna put it over yourself!" 
 says Alex. "Now listen to me. You grab 
 a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. 
 Get them overcoats ready and in about a 
 hour I ll call there for you. We re goin 
 to Washington to-night and don t be over 
 five minutes sayin good-toy to your wife!" 
 
 "But " says Wilkinson, lookin like Alex 
 had him hypnotized. 
 
 "Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the 
 lovely Wilkinson s head.
 
 224 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Well, within four minutes the lovely Wil 
 kinson has beat it, leavin behind a 
 astounded and weepin wife and Alex is on 
 the phone callin up the Gaflooey Auto 
 Company s service station and in ten min 
 utes more he has arranged to have a truck 
 and a mechanic chug-chuggin outside the 
 house. Then he turns to me. 
 
 "Here is another chance for you to lose 
 some dough," he says. "I m gonna take 
 Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to 
 Washington by way of a auto truck. If we 
 leave here at midnight, we got about seven 
 teen hours to*make 225 miles, that s an aver 
 age of around thirteen miles a hour. The 
 Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if 
 chased. Of course we may hit some bum 
 roads or lose the carburetor and so forth, 
 which might delay us some. What ll you 
 bet I don t put this over?" 
 
 I walked over to the window and looked 
 out at New York. They is one of them 
 rains fallin that generally plays a week
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 225 
 
 stand before passin on to the next village. 
 I figured that trip in the middle of the night, 
 the rain and the tough goin . 
 
 "Gimme a proposition," I says. 
 
 "All right," says Alex. "Me and Eve 
 needs some furniture for the library. I ll 
 bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand 
 that I get Wilkinson in Washington in time 
 to put over his deal." 
 
 "I got you," I says. "If he gets there too 
 late to put over anything with the War De 
 partment, I win right?" 
 
 "Correct!" says Alex. "And now have 
 Cousin Alice put up some sandwiches and 
 the like for us. I got a lot to do!" 
 
 Well, at five minutes to twelve that night 
 they was a Gaflooey truck gasolined its 
 merry way aboard a Forty-second Street 
 ferry. On board it was Alex, the lovely 
 Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof army 
 overcoats and yours in the faith. 
 
 I ain t liable to forget that trip for a long 
 while to come, because I got soaked to the
 
 226 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 skin with water and just missed gettirT 
 pneumonia by one cough. The rain kept 
 gettin worse and worse and it hadn t a 
 thing on the roads. We went through 
 Trenton, N. J., along around 4 a. m. in a 
 storm that would of made the Flood look 
 like fallin dew. The mud is up over the 
 hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin along 
 at a steady gait with Alex and the mechanic 
 takin turns at the wheel. I crawled in 
 under some of them one thousand overcoats 
 at Philly and went to sleep, the last I heard 
 bein the lovely and half-drowned Wilkin 
 son callin out the time every fifteen minutes 
 and moanin , "We ll never make it!" 
 
 Mornin brung no let up in the rain, but 
 the old Gaflooey truck keeps thunderin on. 
 Sometimes we done five miles a hour, some 
 times twenty and when this big baby was 
 goin twenty, believe me, it was rough sled- 
 din ! We run into a bridge at Wilming 
 ton, Del., and at Baltimore we bumped a
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 227 
 
 Flivver off of the road, but outside of that 
 they was nothin but rain and mud and the 
 lovely Wilkinson complainin about the 
 dampness, like he was the only one that was 
 gettin a endless cold shower. 
 
 It was twenty minutes of five when we 
 rolled into the city limits of Washington 
 and I ll tell the world we was a rough look- 
 in bunch. Alex is grinnin from ear to ear 
 and slappin Wilkinson on the back and this 
 guy has perked up a bit, though wishin out 
 loud that he was home with coffee, bacon 
 and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am curs- 
 in the day that ever brung Alex into our 
 family circle and wonderin if death by 
 double pneumonia is painful. The me 
 chanic is fallin asleep at the wheel, wakin 
 himself up from time to time with shots out 
 of a flask and of lemon ice-cream sodas or 
 somethin , he had on his hip. 
 
 We stopped in front of the War Depart 
 ment and Alex says we better straighten up
 
 228 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 ourselves and the overcoats before callin 
 on Colonel Williams. At that, the me 
 chanic falls off the seat and dives into a 
 restaurant and we go back to look at the 
 coats. 
 
 "If any of us had any brains," says Alex, 
 jerkin a coat off the pile, "we would all of 
 worn one of these here things and kept nice 
 and dry Sufjerin mackerel!" he winds up 
 all of a sudden. 
 
 Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings 
 around and there s Alex holdin up the coat. 
 
 Oh, boy!!!!! 
 
 This here storm-proof army coat, which 
 Wilkinson hoped to unload on the U. S. 
 army, just simply fell apart in his hands! 
 He grabbed another and another and 
 they re all alike. The rain has took all the 
 color outa them, they have shrunk till they 
 is hardly enough cloth to accommodate the 
 buttons and the linin s, which was supposed 
 to be leather, has fell right to shreds from 
 the water. All in all, they was nothin but
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 229 
 
 a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self- 
 respectin junk dealer would of took for a 
 gift! 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson s face is a picture. 
 He s as pale as the mornin cream and I 
 thought for a minute he was gonna bust out 
 cryin . I couldn t help feelin sorry for 
 the kid, but when I thought of that wild 
 night ride through the rain and mud to 
 bring this bunch of garbage to Washington, 
 I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I 
 remember Alex bettin me Wilkinson would 
 take the order, and I haw-hawed myself 
 silly, right there in the street. 
 
 "Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin around 
 on me. "This here is far from a laughin 
 matter. It s pretty serious business!" He 
 turns to Wilkinson and shakes him by the 
 shoulder. "Young man," he snaps, "is that 
 the kind of stuff you were goin to put on 
 our boys which fought for you in France?" 
 
 Wilkinson is lookin at the coats like they 
 fascinated him.
 
 2 3 o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Why why this is terrible!" he stam 
 mers, fin ly. "They told me why Good 
 Heavens, you don t think / knew these 
 things were made up like this, do you?" 
 
 Alex studies him for a minute. 
 
 "No," he says, "I don t! You don t look 
 like you d do that, anyways. What s the 
 name of your firm?" 
 
 "Gerhardt and Schmidt," says Wilkin 
 son. "I know it sounds German, but both 
 members of the firm have been naturalized 
 and" 
 
 "Never mind that," says Alex. "Even if 
 it wasn t no worse than a scheme to clean up 
 on a government contract, I think the Se 
 cret Service will be interested in seein them 
 coats!" 
 
 The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on 
 the curb and buries his face in his hands. 
 
 "Good night!" he moans. "I m done for 
 now. I thought this was going to be a big 
 thing for me and 
 
 Alex slaps him on the back.
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 231 
 
 "No whinin ," he says. "We re still in 
 Washington you can t tell what might 
 happen yet." 
 
 "You can gimme that fifteen hundred 
 berries right now if you want, Alex," I says, 
 "because I m gonna grab the next train for 
 Manhattan. This is one that beat you 
 and" 
 
 "Ssh !" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin 
 up suddenly. "Here comes Colonel Wil 
 liams himself!" 
 
 We looked around and sure enough 
 there s two army officers walkin over to the 
 War Department. When they got oppo 
 site us, Wilkinson braces himself and steps 
 forward. 
 
 "Pardon me, Colonel," he says. "I m 
 Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt and Schmidt. 
 I had an appointment with you to-day at 
 five to show you those army coats." 
 
 The Colonel looks at him. 
 
 "Oh, yes," he says, very pleasant. "J ust 
 step inside, Mister Wilkinson. I ll see you
 
 232 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 in my office. You are very prompt. You 
 must have been caught in the downpour 
 you re soaking wet." 
 
 "Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. "I ah 
 Colonel, I don t think there s any use of me 
 stepping into your office." 
 
 "Eh why not?" says the Colonel. 
 
 Wilkinson turns several of the popular 
 colors. 
 
 "I ah the fact is," he says, "our coat 
 is not what the United States government 
 wants, Colonel. I didn t know it at the 
 time I solicited the contract I I ve just 
 found it out. We brought the required 
 number of coats down here by auto truck, 
 not being able to get them here on time by 
 freight or express. The trip was made in 
 yesterday s storm and" he points to the 
 mess on the truck "there s the coats!" 
 
 The Colonel examines a couple of them 
 soggy rags and he gets very severe. I 
 heard him say somethin that sounded like
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 233 
 
 "Damn!" a couple of times, and then he 
 turns to Wilkinson. 
 
 "This is a matter for the Department of 
 Justice," he says. "You will leave the 
 truck and its load right here, Mister Wil 
 kinson, and I ll personally see that it s taken 
 care of. Your action in coming direct to 
 me with this evidence is commendable. 
 You may telegraph your firm that the 
 United States government is holding this 
 shipment for investigation. I m sorry for 
 your sake that this happened, as I had all 
 but made up my mind to give you the con 
 tract. If you desire to see me further, I ll 
 be in my office until six." 
 
 With that he stamps away. The other 
 officer who was with him has been walkin 
 around the Gaflooey truck all the time and 
 examin it like it s the first auto he ever seen 
 in his life. 
 
 "Pardon me," he says to Wilkinson, "did 
 I understand you to say that you made the
 
 234 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 trip from New York yesterday in the storm 
 on this truck?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. 
 
 The officer pulls out a notebook. 
 
 "What time did you leave New York?" 
 he asks, very businesslike. 
 
 Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer 
 asks if we had any trouble, how much gas 
 and oil we used, what was our average speed 
 and a million other things. Alex s eyes be 
 gin to dance around, and he winks at me like 
 there s somethin in the air. Fin ly the of 
 ficer walks away, after thankin the lovely 
 Wilkinson for the information. 
 
 "Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin Wilkin 
 son s arm. "You win!" 
 
 "Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I ll be 
 lucky if I don t go to jail!" 
 
 "You re crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin 
 more and more excited. "You had nothin 
 to do with this thing you didn t know the 
 coats was no good. Forget about that, the
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 235 
 
 thing is you got a chance right now to put 
 over a bigger thing than them overcoats. 
 You come here to make a sale, didn t you? 
 All right, go to it! That officer is con 
 nected with the purchasin department of 
 the government, and he wasted a lot of time 
 talkin to you about that truck. Do you 
 realize what a wonderful thing that was to 
 get down here O. K. in that terrible storm 
 yesterday? No you don t, but he did! 
 Right now he s got that there truck on his 
 mind. Go after him before he gets inside 
 the buildin and make your sale!" 
 
 "But," says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, 
 "what have I got to sell? The overcoats 
 
 are" 
 
 "Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. 
 "Sell him the truck that brought em down 
 they ain t nothin wrong with that! If 
 it s good enough for a trip like that, it s 
 good enough for the army, ain t it? Hurry 
 up and make an appointment with him for
 
 236 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 to-day, and I ll get you the figures on the 
 Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million 
 I know em by heart!" 
 
 "By Heavens, I ll chance it!" says Wil 
 kinson, and runs after the officer. 
 
 Comin up on the train that night I sit 
 in the smoker and write Alex my check for 
 a thousand berries. They was no two ways 
 about it as he showed me, because he had 
 bet he would make Wilkinson put over a 
 sale in Washington. He didn t say what 
 he had to sell. The lovely Wilkinson, 
 which has sent about five dollars worth of 
 night letters to his wife, is sittin on the 
 other side, delirious with joy and with a 
 order in his pocket for one thousand Ga 
 flooey trucks as per the one we come down 
 in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people 
 and had Wilkinson appointed a salesman 
 for the Washington territory on his recom 
 mendation. Them guys would do anything 
 for Alex, because he put em on the map. 
 With telegraphed credentials from New
 
 YOU CAN DO IT! 237 
 
 York, the rest was a cinch for even the lovely 
 Wilkinson, because the truck sold itself! 
 
 "They is only one thing that beats me," 
 I says to Alex before we turn in on the 
 sleeper. "Why didn t you sell the truck 
 and make all the dough yourself?" 
 
 "It s a good thing you don t need brains 
 in your game," says Alex, "or you and Alice 
 would starve ! I wanted Wilkinson to make 
 the sale all by himself, because it will give 
 him confidence, and then, again, he ll ad 
 vertise me. I get half of his commission, 
 I grab a bonus from the Gaflooey people 
 for helpin the sale along and then there s 
 that thousand bucks of yours, which I 
 would of lost if I sold the trucks myself. 
 Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, 
 and that s what I started out to do!" 
 
 "You win!" I says. "I don t see how you 
 get away with it. It s past me!" 
 
 "Huh!" says Alex. "They ain t no trick 
 to it at all why say, even you could of done 
 it!"
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 THE LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 
 
 THEY s many a guy clutterin up a pay 
 roll for about thirty bucks a week, 
 which has got more brains than his boss has 
 income tax. When he went to school they 
 wasn t a day that some other kid didn t 
 wanna murder him because he got 100 in 
 arithmetic and the like. He passed on to 
 high school and even invaded college, 
 where he dumfounded all in hearing with 
 his knowledge of everything! When he 
 was fin ly turned loose on a helpless world, 
 he was so far ahead of his class that they 
 held special services for him and had the 
 regular one the next day. 
 
 Now the dope oughta be that this marvel 
 of intelligence should be down in Wall 
 
 Street now, tellin J. P. Morgan and etc. 
 238
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 239 
 
 that the next time they come in late for 
 work he d fire em. Well, about once in 
 ten thousand times this is true. Usually, 
 however, this guy is the bird that takes your 
 card at the office door and says, "Sit down, 
 Mr. Morgan s fifth assistant secretary will 
 see you in a moment." And then the head 
 bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, 
 "Yes, sir," and jumps! 
 
 They is a reason for this, the same as for 
 everything else outside of the Kaiser. The 
 swell-dressed assassin with the ladies, which 
 writes such beautiful figures and knows off 
 hand how much is thirty-three times eighty, 
 is fast joinin the list of non-essential in 
 dustrials. They got a machine now which 
 can count better than him, and don t try to 
 make no date with the stenographer, either! 
 He thinks his boss is a boob, because said 
 boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day 
 of the week Napoleon joined the army, and 
 he wonders how in heaven s name a guy as 
 stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The
 
 2 4 o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 answer to that one is easy. While he was 
 memorizin the fact that A plus C equals 
 X, his boss was figurin how to hire a brainy 
 guy like him to count his dough! 
 
 The wife and I are about to set sail for 
 the movies one night, when our French maid 
 from the Bronx admits a interruption by 
 the name of Alex 
 
 "Well," he says, kidnappin my goat by 
 treatin himself to one of my pet cigars, "I 
 have run across another feller which I am on 
 the verge -of makin a success. I ve studied 
 his case carefully and all he needs is to be set 
 on the right track to bust all speed records." 
 
 "Where did you meet this second-story 
 man?" I says. 
 
 "He ain t no burglar," says Alex; "he s 
 some kind of a bookkeeper, and he s got 
 one of the sweetest little girls in love with 
 him you ever seen!" 
 
 "I thought you was married," I says. 
 
 "Now," says Alex, snubbin me as usual, 
 "I want to bring him up here to dinner to-
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 241 
 
 morrow night and have you meet him as he 
 is at present. In a short time later I ll 
 bring him back again, and if he hasn t made 
 himself a success, I ll buy you all the best 
 dinner you ever eat!" 
 
 "Listen!" I says. "As Hoover says, 
 Food will win the war don t eat it! 
 Don t be invitin no more guys up here to 
 dinner. It s tough enough to have to feed 
 you three or four times a week, without 
 you ringin in these guys which acts like I 
 win them steaks and chops in a raffle. Now 
 I m goin to the movies. They s a five- 
 reeler down at the corner called She Give 
 Her Soul ! and they ain t no man gonna keep 
 me from seein that to-night." 
 
 "Come along with us, Alex," chimes in 
 the wife. "A couple of my girl friends 
 which used to be in the Winter Garden with 
 me is in this picture and I m crazy to see 
 them!" 
 
 "Hmph!" snorts Alex. "Anybody is 
 crazy which pays money to look at them
 
 242 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 fool movin pictures. If I had my way, 
 they d all be stopped and 
 
 "Lillian Dish is in this one," butts in the 
 wife. "Have you seen her lately?" 
 
 "No!" says Alex, jumpin up. "By 
 mackerel, I haven t! Hurry up, we ll be 
 late you people is never in time for any 
 thing! Lillian Dish, hey? Say! Did 
 you see her in What s a Wife? She was 
 great! Why I" 
 
 I dragged the both of them out 
 
 Promptly at seven the next night Alex 
 comes up with his new-found friend. I let 
 forth a groan and told the maid to lay a 
 couple more plates, but to slice everything 
 as thin as possible without cuttin her hands. 
 The stranger was a tall, slim bird which 
 wouldn t have been bad-looking if he 
 hadn t been so serious. He acted like it 
 was a felony to smile, and got my name 
 wrong the first four times he repeated it. 
 
 Well, after the sound of clashin knives 
 and forks had died away, the wife dolls all
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 243 
 
 up and goes over to visit the hero which 
 wed Alex; and us strong men repairs to the 
 parlor, where the cigars clink merrily and 
 the like. 
 
 The stranger s name turned out to be S. 
 Jared Rushton, and after a while I fig 
 ured the "S" stood for "Silly." This guy 
 knowed more about figures than the stage 
 manager at the Follies. He was a hound 
 for numbers, dates and etc. He had a bet 
 ter memory than a loan shark, and a en 
 cyclopedia would look stupid alongside of 
 him. No matter what the subject was, this 
 guy knowed more about it than the bird 
 which wrote it and would butt in with the 
 figures to prove it. Fin ly, when I struck 
 a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 
 of them used in New York every fiscal year, 
 I went out into the kitchen for air! 
 
 At first it was kinda interestin and en- 
 tertainin to get the inside dope on every 
 thing at practically no cost, but they is such 
 a thing as bein too clever; and when it be-
 
 244 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 come impossible to speak of anything on 
 earth from bankin to beer, without this 
 bird buttin in with all the figures on it, I 
 got enough! I tried to yawn him into goin 
 home, and he notices I got two bum teeth. 
 That furnished him with a scenario for tell- 
 in me that every year 490,517 people is 
 treated by dentists in New York alone, and 
 I says I can t help it and he mustn t of got 
 a wink or sleep the night he counted em. 
 
 "Oh," he says, "it s very simple. I carry 
 all those figures in my head." 
 
 "Why not?" I says. "They s plenty of 
 room there!" 
 
 He looked kinda peeved; but before he 
 could come back at me, Alex takes things 
 in hand. 
 
 "Jared," he says, "you are certainly a 
 educated citizen. With all them interest- 
 in facts and figures in your head you must 
 be very valuable to the firm you work for, 
 hey?"
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 245 
 
 Jared throws out what chest he had with 
 him. 
 
 "Well," he says, "I saved the Hamilton 
 Construction Company just $6,547.98 last 
 year by cutting down the excessive use of 
 lead pencils and blotters alone!" 
 
 That s fine!" says Alex. "No doubt 
 they give you a handsome bonus for that, 
 hey?" 
 
 "Of course," says Jared. "They raised 
 my salary to thirty-five dollars a week. I 
 was only getting thirty-two and a half." 
 
 "You saved them six thousand last year 
 and they raised you about a hundred and 
 thirty, eh?" says Alex. "Now, listen! 
 Why couldn t you have made that six thou 
 sand for yourself just as easy?" 
 
 "Why I why " stammers Jared. "I 
 have no chance to make anything but my 
 salary. I m simply working there, and 
 
 "And you always will be, if you don t 
 get wise to yourself!" butts in Alex. "Your 
 boss"
 
 246 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "My boss, eh?" sneers Jared. "Say, he 
 hasn t got the brains of a gnat! He d be 
 absolutely up in the air if I wasn t at his 
 elbow with data and estimates on every 
 thing. He doesn t know anything, and 
 
 "No, I guess not!" butts in Alex, with a 
 odd grin. "He don t know anything only 
 how to make money! Say, listen! If this 
 boss of yours is such a boob, what must you 
 be? You re luorkin for him, ain t you? 
 Why should he have any brains, when he 
 can rent your for thirty-five dollars a week? 
 Now, listen to me, son. You know a little 
 about everything on earth, with the slight 
 exception of yourself! The figures that 
 should interest you more than anything else 
 is these: For every dollar you make, your 
 boob boss is makin a thousand. Ever fig 
 ure them statistics along with the other 
 stuff?" 
 
 Jared registers embarrassment. "Look 
 here!" he says. "I really don t see the rea 
 son of all this. I consider myself quite sue-
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 247 
 
 cessful. I may not be making a million a 
 week, but I m always sure of my job, and 
 that s quite a lot!" 
 
 "You re always sure of your job, hey?" 
 bawls Alex. "That s the slogan of the quit 
 ter! I m gettin my little old salary fifty- 
 two weeks a year, and that s good enough 
 for me. That s the motto of the loser." 
 With that he jumps up and sticks his face 
 so close to Jared I thought he was gonna 
 bite him or the like. "What about the fu 
 ture?" he hollers. "You must have brains, 
 or you couldn t of collected that mass of 
 junk in your dome. You got a million dol 
 lars worth of salable stuff from the top of 
 your collar to the crown of your derby and 
 you re peddlin it away for thirty-five a 
 week. I ll bet right now you could pro 
 duce a scheme for gettin a quarter that 
 would be unbeatable, legitimate, and suc 
 cessful. But if you was asked to dope out 
 a scheme for gettin twenty-five thousand 
 dollars, the size of the figures alone would
 
 248 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 knock that thinker of yours cold! You 
 can t think that big. Your mind s all clut 
 tered up with little things. It s a junk pile. 
 The same concentration and perseverance 
 on some one big thing would put you over 
 and if you don t believe it, ask your boob 
 boss, which undoubtedly did just that and 
 is now keepin you!" 
 
 "That s all rot!" remarks Jared. 
 "There s about one chance in a million of 
 getting over in New York. You ve got to 
 get in right, and even then it s largely a 
 matter of luck! If I was ever asked, I d 
 tell every young man to keep away from 
 New York. The town s too big! It swal 
 lows you up and you re buried there till 
 
 Zam!!! Alex bounces outa his chair and 
 shakes his ringer under Jared s nose. 
 
 "That s not true!" he hollers. "Listen 
 to me, young feller! I came here a short 
 time ago with one-tenth of the ability that 
 you got. New York looked as cold and
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 249 
 
 hard to me as it does to any rube that slinks 
 in from the outlands, crazy with the desire 
 to capture it. But instead of drivin me 
 back to the dear old farm, the tough con 
 ditions here attracted me. That is, takin 
 for granted your statement that they are 
 tough, which I don t believe. I know that 
 a man with the genuine goods can deliver 
 them here at top price quicker than any 
 other place on earth." 
 
 "But wait!" interrupts Jared, seemin to 
 catch some of Alex s pep. "Your case was 
 exceptional. You must admit 
 
 "I don t admit nothin !" roars Alex. 
 "Suppose your argument is true. Let s say 
 the chances for success here are slim. All 
 right, fine! That s what made me stick! 
 Your own argument makes New York the 
 place to make good in. If there s satisfac 
 tion in winnin over one man or a thousand, 
 think of a hard-won square victory over six 
 millions! Why, boy, the very quality of
 
 250 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the competition here keeps a man on his toes 
 and, if he makes good here, he s done some- 
 thin !" 
 
 Well, believe me, when Alex wound up 
 that speech they was so much pep in the 
 room I felt like goin out and tellin Rocke 
 feller I d forgot more about the oil game 
 than he ever knew! Jared looks kinda 
 dazed and Alex never gives him a chance 
 to get set. 
 
 "How about ah Miss Evans?" he says ; 
 "have you thought about her?" 
 
 "See here!" busts out Jared. "We won t 
 discuss Mab er Miss Evans." 
 
 Alex grins. 
 
 "That s fine!" he says. "I m glad you 
 got some spirit left; they s hope for you yet! 
 Let s see," he goes on, like they had been 
 no interruption at all, "how long have you 
 known Miss Evans?" 
 
 "Over a year," says Jared. "But I don t 
 see what 
 
 Alex points a ringer at him.
 
 251 
 
 "You love her, don t you?" he barks out. 
 
 "Of course I do!" mumbles Jared, like 
 he s answering without knowin it. 
 
 "Then why don t you marry her?" 
 
 Jared stares at him like he s in a trance. 
 
 "Marry her?" he gasps. "Marry her? 
 Why if I ever asked her that, she wouldn t 
 even let me call on her any more!" 
 
 "You re crazy!" remarks Alex pleas 
 antly. "Now listen, son! You been goin 
 around with that girl over a year, and if 
 she didn t reciprocate your feelin for her, 
 you wouldn t of lasted that long. Jared, 
 old boy, a year is too long to monopolize a 
 girl without declarin yourself! You re 
 spoilin her chances, and it s dead wrong! 
 They is plenty of other young men which 
 would give their left eye to take her to the 
 movies and the like, but they re layin off 
 because, havin always seen her with you, 
 they take it for granted they is no chance. 
 That s fine right now for both of you; 
 but if anything should arise that would
 
 252 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 make you two part, it won t be as easy for 
 her to replace you. Now you need a in 
 centive, and a strong one, to put you across. 
 They is no bigger incentive on earth than 
 matrimony. Go to her and ask 
 
 "One minute!" butts in Jared. "I never 
 was talked to like this in my life before, 
 and why I m permitting you to discuss my 
 personal affairs, I don t know. As long as 
 I am, I ll go through with it. What you 
 say may be true, but this girl is different, 
 and" 
 
 "Jared," says Alex, "I don t doubt that 
 she s different, but, nevertheless, she s a 
 member of the well-known female sex, and 
 I m basin my dope on that! I ll tell you 
 what I ll do with you. You ask Miss Evans 
 to marry you, and, if she refuses, I ll give 
 you a job myself for fifty dollars a week; fif 
 teen more than you get now. If she accepts, 
 you gotta raise yourself by your own efforts 
 to fifty dollars a week within six months, or 
 go to work for me for twenty. Now if you
 
 Heavens!" says the vampire. You must have worked a 
 
 your life to acquire ignorance, for no one Avas ever 
 
 born as stupid as you ! See page 308
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 253 
 
 got some red blood in you, let s see it!" 
 
 Well, Jared gets up and walks around 
 the room for a minute and fin ly he comes 
 over and holds out his hand to Alex. 
 
 "You re on!" he says. "Only, I ll say 
 this: If Mabel er Miss Evans, accepts 
 me, I ll be so happy that I won t be good 
 for anything for a month. If she refuses 
 me, I ll never be any good any more! 
 However, I ll try it. Perhaps I ve been 
 asleep. I don t know. But if this girl ever 
 marries me He stops and bangs his 
 fists on the table. "Oh, -boy!!!!" he winds 
 up. 
 
 Just then they is a ring at the telephone. 
 The maid makes a entrance and claims Mr. 
 Jared Rushton is wanted. In about five 
 minutes, Jared comes back and apologizes. 
 
 "My boss, Mr. Hamilton," he says. 
 "I ve always got to let him know where he 
 can get in touch with me after office hours. 
 I gave him your phone number before I 
 came here to-night." He turns to Alex.
 
 254 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "That s what it is to be a valuable man," 
 he says. "The boss wants me to get all the 
 data together for an estimate on one of the 
 biggest contracts we ve ever had a whack 
 at. That means I ll be up all night, so I ll 
 have to leave now. Our four big contract 
 experts are scattered round the country and 
 the boss will have to go after this one him 
 self to-morrow. There will be a confer 
 ence at the Hotel Dubois, and " 
 
 Alex jumps up, his eyes flashin . 
 
 "Why can t you go after that contract?" 
 he shoots out. 
 
 Jared looks like he s been hit on the chin. 
 
 "Me?" he stammers. "Why why " 
 
 "Why, why, nothinM" butts in Alex. 
 "Here s a chance for you to show Miss 
 Evans, your boss, and the rest of the world 
 what s in you. If your boss calls on you 
 for the figures in this thing, then you must 
 know more about it than he does, or any 
 body else in the office. Can you get him 
 on the phone?"
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 255 
 
 "But but I have never sold anything in 
 my life!" says Jared. "You don t under 
 stand this thing at all. It requires experi 
 ence and oh, it s silly to even think of it I 
 Why" 
 
 "Yeh?" butts in Alex. "What s his num 
 ber?" He rushes to the phone. 
 
 "Say, listen please!" pleads Jared; "it s 
 not a bit regular and why, he d fire me out 
 of hand if I ever did anything like this!" 
 
 "The number!" bawls Alex, with the re 
 ceiver off the hook. 
 
 "Riverside 33,312," stammers Jared, 
 wringin his hands. "But look here, you 
 mustn t" 
 
 Alex gets the number and Jared falls back 
 in a chair, and mutters somethin about bein 
 ruined for life. In another minute, Alex is 
 announcin to somebody that Mr. Jared 
 Rushton wishes to speak to Mr. Hamilton 
 on a matter of the greatest importance. 
 Jared lets forth a wail like a dyin fish or
 
 256 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the like, and then Alex grabs him by the 
 arms. 
 
 "Now, go to it!" he says. "Tell him you 
 want a chance at this contract yourself. Say 
 you know more about it than anyone else 
 and have been plannin the thing for weeks. 
 You don t think you can land this contract 
 you know it!" 
 
 "But," wails Jared, "I don t know" 
 
 Alex shoves him over to the phone. 
 
 Well, the funniest conversation you, I, or 
 anybody else ever heard begins right then 
 and there. Jared starts off kinda weak and 
 tremblin and I felt sorry for him, because 
 from his answers it looked like a cinch that 
 he was fired. Pretty soon he gets a little 
 stronger, and in a few minutes he was talkin 
 like the boss was workin for him! The 
 only way I can figure it is that Alex had 
 hopped him up so much that he got to 
 where he believed himself that he was the 
 only man on earth that could land this con 
 tract. When Jared says if he don t get this
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 257 
 
 chance he s gonna quit his job right then 
 and there and the boss can look elsewhere 
 for the estimate figures, I almost fell off 
 the couch, and Alex does a war dance. 
 
 Bang! Jared slams down the receiver 
 and swings around on Alex. 
 
 "Well," he snaps out, "you ve done it! 
 I am to be at the Hotel Dubois at eleven to 
 morrow to meet the representatives of one 
 of the biggest steel concerns in the country. 
 I m to take from them a contract running 
 into millions. If I don t get it, I m fired. 
 If I do get it well, there s no use talking 
 about that part of it, because I won t 1" 
 
 With that he sinks into a chair and buries 
 his head in his hands. Alex keeps right on 
 top of him. 
 
 "Fine!" he says, rubbin his hands to 
 gether. "Now call up Miss Evans and ask 
 her to marry you!" 
 
 "What?" shrieks Jared, bouncin up from 
 his chair. "What is this? A nightmare? 
 You ve already probably cost me my job,
 
 258 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 and now you want to wreck my happiness! 
 I was a fool to listen to you. I " 
 
 "Sure!" says Alex. "Let s get her on the 
 phone right away." 
 
 Jared looks wildly around the room and 
 grabs for his hat. Alex pushes him back in 
 a chair. 
 
 "Now, you listen to me!" he snarls, all the 
 grin gone from him. "You are at this min 
 ute facin the biggest thing that s ever come 
 into your thirty-five-dollar-a-week life. 
 You got a chance now to rise above the mob. 
 You also got a chance to marry what is the 
 greatest girl in the world, accordin to your 
 own admission. If you ask her to marry 
 you before you go after this contract and she 
 accepts you, think of the confidence you ll 
 have! Why, boy, if this girl says she ll 
 marry you, they ain t nothin in New York 
 can stop you from goin over the top! Go 
 on I You re all worked up now go to it 
 before you get cold!"
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 259 
 
 Jared grabs up the phone receiver, pale 
 as a ghost. 
 
 "By heavens!" he says. "I you if 
 Gimme Morningside 77,638, quick!" 
 
 Alex closes the door and pulls me into the 
 other room. 
 
 "That there s gonna be private," he says. 
 
 "Where did you meet this Miss Evans?" I 
 says. 
 
 "H mph!" grunts Alex. "I never seen 
 the girl in my life! Jared simply told me 
 about her, that s all!" 
 
 "Well," I says, "you certainly have balled 
 things up. They ain t a doubt in my mind 
 but that you ve made that poor boy lose his 
 job; and as far as I can see you re gonna 
 make him lose his girl, too! I d hate to be 
 you when he staggers away from that 
 phone!" 
 
 "Yeh?" grins Alex. "Well, I ll tell you 
 somethin : As long as I m goin to all this 
 trouble, I might as well get somethin outta
 
 2 6o ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 it. I ll bet you ten thousand to five the girl 
 marries him and he lands the contract. If 
 he loses either one, or both, you win!" 
 
 "Write it!" I says. 
 
 He hain t no more than handed the thing 
 over to me, when in comes Jared. His face 
 is all flushed and he acts like a guy walkin 
 in his sleep. 
 
 "I know neither of you will believe it," 
 he says, in a far-away voice. "In fact, I 
 think I m dreaming, myself!" 
 
 "What did she say?" demands Alex, 
 shakin him. 
 
 "She said yes!" hollers Jared, in a voice 
 that must of woke up sleepers in Kansas 
 City. "Let me have my hat, I want to go 
 over to her right away!" 
 
 "Well, what do you think of my dope 
 now, hey?" says Alex. 
 
 "I ll never be able to thank you for what 
 you ve done for me!" says Jared, holdin out 
 his hand. "Why, just imagine ! This won 
 derful girl is going to be my wife and I had
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 261 
 
 no more idea Why, this girl is as dif 
 ferent from any other as But you 
 wouldn t understand 
 
 "I understand perfect!" says Alex, shakin 
 his hand. "And now the next thing is that 
 contract, which should be a cinch for you 
 after what you just done. Go over and see 
 her now, but don t forget them figures on 
 the" 
 
 "Contract?" butts in Jared, jammin on 
 his hat. "What s a contract to me now? 
 I m going to marry the greatest girl in the 
 world, man! Can you imagine her accept 
 ing me! Oh, boy! ! I ! !" 
 
 With that he does a few little fancy steps 
 around the room, throwing a twenty-dollar 
 pillow at Alex and a book at me. 
 
 This here s a new angle, and Alex grabs 
 him. 
 
 "Look here!" he says. "I know you re 
 in a hurry, so I don t want to hold you up 
 now; but you wanna recover from this here 
 till you land that contract! You ll lose
 
 262 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 your job if you don t, and you ain t gonna 
 start off married life outta work, are you?" 
 
 "I should worry!" sings Jared, still one- 
 steppin about the room. "I can get an 
 other job forty of em 1 I can get anything 
 at all, now. She s going to marry me, she s 
 going to marry me!" 
 
 He dashes for the door, and Alex runs 
 after him. 
 
 "What time is the appointment with the 
 big steel men?" he shrieks in his ear. 
 
 "What s a big steel man to me?" asks 
 Jared, struggling to get away. "What s 
 anything? I ll bet she would have accepted 
 me long ago if " 
 
 "What time is that conference?" howls 
 Alex. 
 
 "I care not!" sings Jared, throwing the 
 phone book up in the air, and a idiotic grin 
 at me. "I m going to have a quiet wedding 
 and" 
 
 I thought Alex was gonna choke him!
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 263 
 
 Personally, I developed a bad case of the 
 hystericals. 
 
 "The time?" screams Alex. 
 
 "Eleven o clock," says Jared. 
 
 "Will you promise me on your word of 
 honor to meet me at that hotel at ten to-mor 
 row, in view of what I done for you?" says 
 Alex. 
 
 "Sure!" hollers Jared. "I ll promise 
 anything! Look what s been promised to 
 me!" 
 
 With that he breaks away from Alex and 
 dives out the door. 
 
 Alex comes back and sinks down into a 
 chair, wipin off his fevered brow with a 
 handkerchief. 
 
 "That baby is a plain nut!" I remarks. 
 
 "Whew!" pants Alex. "I started some- 
 thin now, that s sure! Still, I don t blame 
 the boy. I felt the same way when Eve 
 claimed she d wed me, and I guess you did 
 too when Alice went temporarily insane and
 
 264 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 brung you into the family. If I can keep 
 him keyed up to that pitch to-morrow, he ll 
 land that contract, and I ll land your five 
 thousand!" 
 
 "He won t land nothin I" I says. "He s 
 gone nutty now, and you ll be lucky if he 
 shows up at all. This here s one bet I win 1" 
 
 "Yeh?" snaps Alex, gettin up and reach- 
 in for his hat. "D ye wanna take five thou 
 sand more of it?" 
 
 "No!" I says. "Goodnight!" 
 
 At nine forty-five the next mornin , which 
 is practically the middle of the night for 
 me, Alex comes around and drags me outta 
 bed. He says he s goin down and watch 
 Jared put the contract over and he wants me 
 along to witness the losin of my bet. 
 
 We are in the lobby of the hotel gettin 
 ready to have Jared paged, when along he 
 comes with some dame he must have kid 
 napped from the Follies when Ziegfield was 
 busy countin up the receipts or somethin . 
 I ll tell the world fair she was some girl.
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 265 
 
 She s lookin at Jared like he was the elev 
 enth wonder of the world, and he s gazin 
 back at her like she was the other ten. 
 
 "Hello!" hollers Alex, grabbin Jared s 
 hand and makin believe it s a pump handle. 
 "Congratulations! I wish I felt as happy 
 as both you folks look!" 
 
 "You couldn t!" says Jared, still with that 
 dazed look on his face. "This is my future 
 wife, gentlemen. We re on our way down 
 for the license now. Come on along as 
 witnesses. We re going to be married 
 right-" 
 
 "What about that steel contract?" Alex 
 butts in. "Did you get the figures all to 
 gether last night?" 
 
 "I did not !" says Jared. "What do I care 
 about a steel contract? I landed a bigger 
 contract than that, and " 
 
 "Pardon me," interrupts the girl, with 
 her million-dollar smile. "What is this 
 contract regarding the steel?" 
 
 Alex tells her the whole dope from start
 
 266 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 to finish, and when he gets through the girl 
 turns to Jared and says the followin : 
 
 "Well, dear, I suppose this horrid old 
 business could wait, but just run up and land 
 that contract for a a wedding gift for 
 me! It shouldn t take you very long. I ll 
 wait here for you." 
 
 Oh, boy ! ! ! Talkin about "just runnin 
 up and landin " a million-dollar contract 
 like she was sendin him for stamps or the 
 like! 
 
 "All right, honey," says Jared; "I ll be 
 down in five minutes!" 
 
 They was fifteen minutes partin . 
 
 Alex and Jared and I got in the elevator, 
 and on the way up Jared talked about noth- 
 in else but his comin marriage. When 
 Alex tried to butt in and ask regardin the 
 estimate for this steel job, Jared gets peevish 
 and says that will be a cinch and is prac 
 tically over with ; but what s worryin him 
 is the best place to go for a honeymoon! 
 
 We are met at the door of the room by a
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 267 
 
 little bald-headed guy, and Jared intro 
 duces himself, The little guy looks at us 
 and says he presumes we are Jared s asso 
 ciates whatever that is. Before Jared can 
 deny the charge, Alex presents him with a 
 kick on the shins and says we are all of that. 
 
 Inside, they is a long table and four more 
 guys sittin at it. They all look like Wall 
 Street and large money, and the table is cov 
 ered with papers. Jared sits down and be 
 gins hummin "Here Comes the Bride," 
 and we sit down beside him. One guy gets 
 up and says they have talked with five big 
 contractors already, and they ain t made up 
 their mind which bid to accept. If Jared 
 can show them somethin better than they ve 
 seen, the order is all his. Jared pulls out 
 his watch and gets up. 
 
 "Gentlemen," he says, "I have an appoint 
 ment with my future wife in five minutes. 
 I will be on time! I don t know what these 
 other fellows have offered to do for you, but 
 I ll say this: We can erect your plant for
 
 268 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 exactly $1,789,451.92. That s our lowest 
 price, and if we talked all day I couldn t 
 take off a cent! My concern is known all 
 over the country for the sterling quality of 
 workmanship and materials it employs on 
 every job, whether it s the erection of a lamp 
 post or a city and we ve done both! We 
 will be pleased to list you among the thou 
 sands of our satisfied patrons." 
 
 With that he reaches for his hat and 
 would of been out of the door, if Alex hadn t 
 held him back with a look. 
 
 "But," says one guy, "your figures are 
 more than ten thousand dollars over your 
 nearest competitor s. How about that?" 
 Jared is starin out the window. 
 
 "I figure we can get a nice flat in the 
 Bronx for about eighty a month," he says, 
 half to himself. "What do you pay?" he 
 finishes, turnin to Alex. 
 
 Alex says nothin , and the five guys look 
 at each other kinda funny.
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 269 
 
 "When could your firm begin work?" 
 asks one of them. 
 
 "Immediately!" says Jared. "I m going 
 to use your phone here for a minute and 
 telephone my future wife. She s down 
 stairs waiting and will be worried sick I 
 said I d be right backl" He walks across 
 the room, while them guys all stare after 
 him like they re in a trance themselves. 
 "Still," mutters Jared, "she mightn t like to 
 live in the Bronx at that!" 
 
 While he s on the phone, the five guys 
 puts their heads together and has a whis 
 pered conference. By the time he s fin 
 ished, so are they. 
 
 "Mr. Rushton," says the little guy, gettin 
 up and clearin his throat, "we have decided 
 to give you the contract. Your methods of 
 salesmanship are somewhat unusual but 
 they may be due to your extreme confidence, 
 which anybody can see is the right kind of 
 stuff in that line and "
 
 270 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 The little guy goes on with a lot of talk 
 about figures, to which Alex and me listens 
 respectfully and Jared don t listen at all. 
 And fin ly the little guy says again that 
 they re gonna give Jared the contract, and 
 mebbe, if his future wife is waiting 
 
 "Thanks!" says Jared. "She is waiting 
 and" 
 
 "Shall we draw up the contract now?" 
 butts in Alex. "They s a notary on this 
 floor." 
 
 In half a hour we are down in the lobby 
 again, havin had to hold Jared by main 
 force long enough to sign this thing. The 
 first guy we bump into is his boss! 
 
 "Where have you been?" he hollers at 
 Jared. "I suppose you ve botched every 
 thing all up. I ll be the laughing stock of 
 New York! Where are those figures for 
 that steel contract?" 
 
 Jared looks at him for a minute like, Who 
 is this person? Then he reaches into his 
 pocket and pulls out the contract.
 
 LITTLE THINGS DON T COUNT 271 
 
 "Here s your old contract!" he says. 
 "I m going to take a month off. I m going 
 to get married. When I come back I want 
 seventy-five dollars a week to start and a job 
 as head of the contract department. And, 
 also don t never yell at me like that again." 
 
 I thought his boss would die of apoplexy 
 then and there. He stares at Jared, snatches 
 the contract, reads a few lines and then I 
 got the idea he was gonna kiss all of us! 
 
 "My boy, you re a wonder!" he says. "I 
 always knew you had the stuff in you! I ll 
 discuss the er the matter of your salary 
 when you come back." 
 
 We ll finish it right now!" butts in 
 Jared. "I don t want nothing worrying me 
 while I m on my honeymoon. Do I get 
 that or don t I?" 
 
 "But," stammers the boss, "your commis 
 sion on that contract alone will run " 
 
 "Yes or no!" says Jared very cold. 
 
 "Yes!" says the boss, with a sigh that 
 could be heard in Harlem. "No wonder
 
 272 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 you landed that contract if you went after 
 them that way! I ve been asleep 1" 
 
 "No," says Jared, "I ve been doing the 
 dreaming."
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 ART IS WRONG 
 
 EVERY time some guy goes over the top 
 to notoriety and money in this movie 
 called life, they is some 5,678,954 also rans 
 which wags their heads from side to side 
 and says, "Well no wonder. He was 
 born that way and couldn t help himself 1" 
 Then, they go back to their dub jobs and 
 wish they was lucky. 
 
 That stuff is all wrong I A guy may be 
 born with different color hair from the next 
 guy, but he s never born with any secret of 
 success that the kid in the adjoinin crib ain t 
 got. All you need to be born with in order 
 to get the world familiar with your last 
 name is the usual number of arms, legs and 
 etc. and a mad habitual yearnin to make 
 good that a sudden hypodermic of success 
 273
 
 274 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 don t kill. Anything but failure is possi 
 ble to a hustler, and by a hustler I don t 
 mean one of them breezy birds which 
 makes a lotta noise, thinks they is only one 
 letter in the alphabet and that s the one af 
 ter "H," but the guy which takes setbacks 
 as encouragement and quits tryin the day 
 the undertaker is called in. 
 
 They s many a big artist whose ancestors 
 thought paint was used for the sides of 
 barns only, they s many a famous actor 
 whose father figured Shakespeare was the 
 name of a puddin , they s many a big league 
 author come from families which confined 
 their readin matter to the city directory, 
 and so it goes all along the line Colum- 
 bus s old man was a cotton picker. You 
 don t inherit success, you take it by force, 
 usin your ambition, nerve and ability as 
 the weapons. 
 
 The above information was handed on to 
 me by Alex. He says Broadway is too nar 
 row and Vermont moonlight had it lookin
 
 ART IS WRONG 275 
 
 dark at night and he then proceeds to wed 
 one of the prettiest girls that ever looked 
 over the Winter Garden footlights she 
 makes homemade bread now, too ! The first 
 time he went to the Metropolitan Opera 
 House he claims he d like grand opera if 
 they wouldn t sing and when does the acro 
 bats come out, yet the next week he s able to 
 take a apartment on Riverside Drive. This 
 here is just a few of the things Alex done 
 to break up the dull monotony of life in 
 a burg where that and death is mere inci 
 dents. 
 
 The wife and I is sittin together in the 
 parlor one night and she s knittin a sweater 
 for me that will prob ly make me off her 
 for life, whilst I m readin aloud to her 
 from the only novel in which true love and 
 the like don t win out in the end. It s 
 called "Simpson s Universal Educator" and 
 the subject we are on is how wet is the Pa 
 cific, or some such hot stuff as that. They 
 is a ring at the bell and the wife grabs the
 
 276 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 book outa my hand and slings about thirty 
 dollars worth of wool over my arms. 
 
 "Sit up straight," she says, "and look in 
 terested in this! You re helpin me knit 
 get that? Look as if you like it and the 
 minute the door opens call me dear." 
 
 "What s the idea?" I says, sittin there 
 with my arms out straight and stiff before 
 me like a doll or the like. "I don t get " 
 
 "SsshI" she whispers. "That s probably 
 Ruth Hopper and her husband. She s try 
 ing to get him to quit playing pinochle all 
 night and she wants to show him what a 
 ideal husband does." 
 
 "A pinochle fiend, hey?" I says. "Well, 
 lead him on I We got a little game down at 
 the corner and he ll just make up the set. 
 It s gettin around time for me to leave any 
 ways. I been in a half hour now and " 
 
 Well, at that moment our charmin maid 
 leads in no less than Alex and his wife Eve. 
 Speakin of good lookers, this dame would 
 make Morgan forget about Wall Street,
 
 ART IS WRONG 277 
 
 and she s wearin a dress that must of put 
 some Fifth Avenue store over. But the 
 wife begins bein pleasant to gaze upon and 
 a delight to the naked eye where Eve leaves 
 off. Why, she s got a movie contract which 
 she holds over my head every time I stay out 
 till ten o clock and the like. Them two 
 dames in the one room is more than the aver 
 age guy can stand and how they ever come 
 to fall for a coupla guys like me and Alex 
 is a subject for bigger brains than mine. 
 They say women is peculiar, hey? Well, 
 it s a good thing for the average guy that 
 they are! 
 
 "Well!" remarks Eve, lookin from me 
 to the wife. "How perfectly sweet! If 
 you two only knew what a pretty picture 
 you make!" 
 
 "Yeh," I says, gettin up and dumpin 
 the near sweater on the table. "You d al 
 most think we wasn t married, hey?" 
 
 "Speaking of pictures," says the wife, al- 
 lowin Alex to kiss her a thing I loathe,
 
 278 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "let s all go down and see Wronged By 
 Mistake. They tell me " 
 
 "Nothin 5 stirrin ," I butts in. "I wanna 
 see Beryldine Nearer in The Woman 
 Which Lost. She s some dame, believe 
 me! If I was the leadin man in her pic 
 tures I d work for nothin ." 
 
 "Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as 
 cold as Cape Nome. "Why didn t you 
 marry her then instead of me?" 
 
 "She didn t ask me till it was too late," I 
 says, grinnin like a wolf. 
 
 "Here, here !" says Alex. "How is it you 
 people is always quarrelin every time I 
 come here for a visit?" 
 
 "We figure you ll get sore and beat it," 
 I says. 
 
 "Now, boys," says Eve, "let s forget we 
 are all one family and be friends. Why 
 aren t you folks out celebratin peace to 
 night?" 
 
 "We wasn t invited," I says. "And I have
 
 ART IS WRONG 279 
 
 bought my last ticket from a speculator." 
 
 "Invited?" says Eve, which always takes 
 everything except Alex serious. "Why, all 
 New York seems to be on Broadway!" 
 
 "That s what people from Chicago al 
 ways thinks," I says. "But they s more to 
 the town than that." 
 
 "Oh, hush that near comedy," says the 
 wife. "C mon, we re going to see Wronged 
 By Mistake. " 
 
 "I ll see Beryldine Nearer," I says in a 
 loud and angry voice, "or we don t go no 
 where!" 
 
 We went to see "Wronged By Mistake." 
 
 The movin picture company which is re 
 sponsible for this film claims it cost them 
 $100,000 to make the picture. Maybe it 
 did, I don t know. What I do know is that 
 it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend 
 me your ears, as the dumb guy said. 
 
 The hero of this here picture was no less 
 than Carrington De Vire. This guy s name
 
 280 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 is familiar in burgs where they don t know 
 if Wilson or Washington is still president 
 of the United States. His name is on more 
 collars than you ever seen and he gets more 
 money a week than you and me makes in six 
 years, even if you cut his advertised salary 
 in half. He s prob ly caused more girls to 
 take their pens in hand than any massage 
 cream in the world and to say he is a hand 
 some dog is like remarkin that the Grand 
 Canyon is pleasant to look at. The only 
 magazine which ain t printed his photo at 
 least once with a auto, a country place and 
 a coupla trick dogs at his side is the Hard 
 ware Trade Review and the Steam fitters 
 Friend. 
 
 The minute Carrington De Vire appears 
 on the screen and gives the natives a treat 
 by presentin one and all with a pleasant 
 smile, the wife and Eve begins to rave about 
 him out loud. He kisses the leadin woman 
 and they let forth a sigh which would of 
 made me jealous only I got too much brains.
 
 ART IS WRONG 281 
 
 The villain slams him, prob ly because he 
 got sick of lookin at the big fathead, and 
 the women groans. He knocks the villain 
 kickin and they applaud their hands off and 
 when he fights his way through a gang of 
 supes which will lose their jobs if they don t 
 fall when he hits em, I thought most of 
 the female part of the audience would pass 
 away with joy! 
 
 "I think he s simply wonderful, don t 
 you?" murmurs Eve to the wife. 
 
 They is no argument about it. 
 
 Alex give a snort. 
 
 "If they s anything wonderful about that 
 feller," he says, "then I m more astonishin 
 than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! 
 Why" 
 
 "Why, the idea!" butts in Eve. "I ac 
 tually believe you re jealous. I think Car- 
 rington De Vire is simply divine marvel 
 ous!" 
 
 "Wait till you see Niagara Falls," I says. 
 
 "Both of them are jealous," says the wife.
 
 282 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "I m surprised at Alex saying that any one 
 could act as well as Carrington De Vire. 
 Why, I think he s got Faversham beaten a 
 mile. You have to be born with talent like 
 that!" 
 
 "I think the wife s right in one thing at 
 last," I says. "I like them male movie 
 heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but 
 you got to hand it to this bird he s some 
 actor! Yep, Alex, you can t learn that stuff 
 out of no book, you gotta be born with it." 
 
 "You re all crazy!" announces Alex, with 
 another snort. "I can go out right now and 
 dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a 
 camera in their life and they ll duplicate 
 anything Carrington De Vire ever did on 
 a screen. Where does he get off to be won 
 derful? Some feller with brains writes a 
 play, another feller with money puts it on 
 and then another feller with technical 
 knowledge tells De Vire, which ain t got 
 none of them things, where to stand and the 
 like while he acts it. Why "
 
 ART IS WRONG 283 
 
 "Ridiculous!" butts in Eve. "Carring- 
 ton De Vire has extraordinary talent. He 
 has thousands of admirers all over the 
 country. Why why he s famous!" 
 
 "Of course," says the wife. "It s too silly 
 to talk about. Alex has reached the stage 
 now where he thinks he can do anything!" 
 
 "Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the 
 stage where I thought I could do anything 
 about three minutes after I was born! I ll 
 bet right now I can go down to the docks or 
 some place and get a handsome stevedore 
 and make him as big a star as Carrington 
 De Vire in six months!" 
 
 "Don t be idiotic," laughs Eve. "Imag 
 ine a stevedore as a moving picture star!" 
 
 "Why not?" demands Alex, lookin like 
 the idea had made a hit with him. "Ain t 
 a stevedore as good as anybody else? I ll 
 bet a thousand dollars even that I can catch 
 one or somebody like him and make him a 
 movie star. What d ye say?" 
 
 "I ll say this," I says. "We come here to
 
 284 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 see this picture and not to hear you make a 
 speech. This here s a theatre and not no 
 race track and forget about that bettin thing. 
 If you can make a movie star out of a steve 
 dore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled 
 
 egg!" 
 
 They is some people behind us which can t 
 see the picture on account of us talkin and 
 they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the 
 same as rain worries a duck. 
 
 "Is they steam escapin somewheres?" he 
 remarks, turnin his head. "Why, brake- 
 men have became railroad presidents," he 
 goes on, "bootblacks have became bankers, 
 prize fighters have turned evangelists and 
 the United States has went dry. Why 
 shouldn t a stevedore become a movie 
 star?" 
 
 "We ll all become throwed outa here if 
 you don t keep quiet!" I says. 
 
 "Ssh, Alex," says the wife. "Don t get 
 so excited about it. There s no use attempt 
 ing the impossible and "
 
 ART IS WRONG 285 
 
 "They ain t nothin impossible!" butts in 
 Alex. "I m willin to prove it. Why don t 
 somebody bet me, hey?" 
 
 "Why don t you hire Madison Square 
 Garden for that speech?" hisses a guy be 
 hind us. "Heavens, what a pest!" 
 
 "Call the usher," puts in a dame with 
 him. "Them people has did nothin but 
 talk since they come in here!" 
 
 "What d ye want us to do sing?" growls 
 Alex. 
 
 "Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I ve 
 missed the whole picture through your talk 
 ing. Now we ll have to stay and see it all 
 over again." 
 
 "Have a nice time," says Alex, gettin up 
 and grabbin my arm. "We ll wait outside 
 for you. One dose a day of Carrington De 
 Vire is all I can take!" 
 
 The bunch in back glares at us and says 
 somethin about what a crime it is to let 
 drunken men come into a theatre. 
 
 Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth
 
 286 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 a snort and whiffs the fresh air like it was 
 wine. 
 
 "Think of my wife sittin in there and 
 worshippin that big stiff," he snarls. "And 
 yours, too !" 
 
 "We all have our faults," I says. "I 
 knowed a guy once which was crazy over 
 fried parsnips." 
 
 "They ain t nothin to laugh at in this," 
 he says, slappin his ha-nds together. "I 
 ain t a jealous man, but no movie hero is 
 gonna be no god to my wife!" 
 
 "Why don t you go in the movies your 
 self, then?" I says. "They might hire you 
 for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, 
 and you can knock him kickin in five reels 
 or the like." 
 
 "Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about 
 the movies? I got a better plan than that 
 and it will accomplish the same purpose. 
 I ll show Eve and the rest of you how easy 
 it is to be a movie hero I ll make money
 
 ART IS WRONG 287 
 
 out of it, tool" he adds, with the old glitter 
 in his eyes. 
 
 "What are you gonna do?" I says. 
 "Speak quick, I can t stand excitement!" 
 
 For answer he takes me into the hotel 
 across the street and leads me into the writin 
 room. He sits down and writes on a piece 
 of paper for a minute and then he hands it 
 to me. 
 
 "Cast your eyes over that," he says, "and 
 if it s satisfactory sign it!" 
 
 This is what I read, 
 
 "I, Alex Hanley, agree to hire one hand 
 some, tall and perfectly built stevedore, 
 longshoreman, truck driver or some one en 
 gaged in a equally honest profession, one 
 who has never appeared before a camera or 
 upon any stage and who has no knowledge 
 of theatricals, and within six months from 
 date to make him a full fledged, acknowl 
 edged star of the moving pictures. 
 
 "In the event of said undertaking being
 
 288 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 successful, the undersigned agrees to pay 
 Alex Hanley one thousand dollars. In the 
 event of failure, Alex Hanley agrees to for 
 feit the same sum." 
 
 I handed it back to him. 
 
 "Listen!" I says. "Don t be a nut all 
 your life. You got as much chance of 
 
 "Did you ever see me fall down on any 
 thing?" he butts in, dippin a pen in the ink 
 and handin it to me. 
 
 "Not even a banana peel," I admits. 
 "But they is a limit to everything even the 
 war s over. In the first place, even if you 
 could do this, it would cost you more than 
 a thousand dollars and 
 
 "Leave that to me," he says, pushin over 
 the pen. "And sign here!" 
 
 "But" I says. 
 
 "Hurry up, the ink will be dry," he cuts 
 me off. 
 
 I give in. 
 
 "Alex," I says. "This is a crime! If I 
 ever win one bet in my life, I ll win this one.
 
 ART IS WRONG 289 
 
 You ll make a movie star outa a stevedore, 
 hey? Why" 
 
 "Want a thousand more?" he grins pleas 
 antly. 
 
 "No I" I hollers. "Let s go over and meet 
 the girls." 
 
 The search for the future king of the 
 movies begins merrily the next day. I went 
 with Alex to see that he didn t put nothin 
 over on me and at the end of the week he 
 had dug up three promisin leads. They 
 was a plumber s helper which had a won 
 derful figure, but a scar on his cheek showed 
 up in a snapshot Alex took of him and he 
 was laid aside with a sigh. Then they was 
 a waiter which was better lookin than Mary 
 Pickford, but a trifle stoop-shouldered. 
 The third guy was hustlin baggage at 
 Grand Central Station and was a perfect 
 Venus except for some missin teeth which 
 queered him when he smiled and what s a 
 movie hero without a smile?
 
 290 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 Well, I m havin the time of my life kid- 
 din Alex, when one day as we are walkin 
 along Third Avenue in search of his prey, 
 he grabs me by the arm, yells, "I got him!" 
 and starts across the street on the run. They 
 is a big truck standin there and a husky on 
 the back of it is engaged in coaxin pig iron 
 off of it on to the street. He stood about 
 six foot three without bein shaved and 
 weighed accordin ly, all bone and muscle 
 not countin his head. He turns around 
 and Oh, boy!!!! 
 
 Say! I seen some good lookers in my 
 time, male and female, but this baby had it 
 on em all! His hair is that black, wavy 
 kind that the cabaret hounds wish they had 
 and he s got a skin like a week old baby. 
 He must of painted his teeth with enamel 
 twice a day and he s there with a pair of 
 eyelashes that would make a chorus girl 
 take carbolic. On the level, he s so hand 
 some he don t look real and that with all 
 the signs of honest toil at the truck on him,
 
 ART IS WRONG 291 
 
 too! Alex taps him on the shoulder and he 
 swings around. 
 
 "What s yours?" he growls. 
 
 "I have come to make your fortune," an 
 nounces Alex with a grin. Then he turns 
 to me. "Ain t he a peach, hey?" he says. 
 
 The big guy drops the pig iron and looks 
 from Alex to me. 
 
 "What kinda stuff is this?" he growls. 
 "What d ye mean I m a peach?" 
 
 "You are the luckiest man in New York," 
 says Alex. "I have come to make you 
 famous and rich!" 
 
 The big guy grins. 
 
 "Listen!" he says. "They re awful 
 tough on hop fiends in this burg now and 
 they ll be a copper along in a minute, so you 
 better duck. I know you guys is no less 
 than J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller, 
 if not more, and you ll gimme a million dol 
 lars in nickels if I ll tell you where to get a 
 layout. But I ain t got the time, I gotta 
 get this stuff off here and "
 
 292 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 With that he turns around and goes to 
 work again. 
 
 "Drop that iron!" says Alex. "You ll 
 never soil your hands with manual labor 
 again." 
 
 "Hey!" snarls the big guy. "Git away, 
 will you? I always feel sorry for you dope 
 fiends, but if you guys don t lay off me, I ll 
 bounce the two of you. Now, beat it!" 
 
 "Well," I says to Alex, "he s ignorant 
 anyways. We got that part all settled 
 and" 
 
 "Look here!" says Alex, darin ly grabbin 
 the big guy by the arm. "We re neither 
 dope fiends nor maniacs. I want to ask you 
 a few questions and, if your answers suit me, 
 I ll hire you for a hundred dollars a week 
 to do special work for me. To show you 
 I m not foolin , take this for your trouble 
 whether we do business or not." 
 
 With that he hands him a twenty dollar 
 bill. 
 
 "Aha !" yells the big guy. "Coupla coun-
 
 ART IS WRONG 293 
 
 terfeiters, hey?" He snatches the bill and 
 grabs Alex. "So you guys want me to pass 
 this for you I got it!" He starts to drag 
 Alex along the pavement and half Third 
 Avenue stops to watch it. "I ll git a reward 
 for this!" I heard him mutter. 
 
 Alex throws him off he s stronger than 
 he looks. 
 
 "You better not take that head of yours 
 into no pool room," he snarls, "or some- 
 body ll get two billiard balls and play with 
 it for a set. Take your hands off me and 
 listen. That bill is as good as the inside of 
 a church. C mon into this store and I ll 
 prove it!" 
 
 They s somethin about Alex that makes 
 this guy hesitate, and Alex pulls him into a 
 cigar store, whilst I shoo away the disap 
 pointed crowd which looked for manslaugh 
 ter at least. 
 
 In a minute they come out. The big guy 
 has twenty single bills in his hand and a 
 dazed look on his face. Alex is grinnin .
 
 294 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Now are you satisfied?" says Alex. 
 
 The big guy shoves the dough in his over 
 alls. 
 
 "The sugar seems O. K.," he says. "Say! 
 I gotta work a week for that much dough, so 
 I might as well give you five minutes of my 
 time. What s the idea, hey?" 
 
 "Now, Delancey Calhoun," says Alex, 
 "how would you 
 
 "Wait a minute !" grins the other guy. "I 
 knowed they was a ball up somewheres. 
 Where d ye get that Calhoun s-tuff? My 
 name s Tim O Toole." 
 
 "Not no more!" says Alex, returnin the 
 grin. "From now on it s Delancey Calhoun 
 get that?" 
 
 "A nut is a funny thing," says O Toole, 
 pressin the dough in his pocket. "But- 
 sure, I m Delancey Calhoun! That s a 
 swell name at that it sounds like a Lenox 
 Avenue apartment house. What d ye want 
 me to do, outside of that?"
 
 ART IS WRONG 295 
 
 "How would you like to be a actor?" says 
 Alex. 
 
 "Nothin doin !" says Delancey. "I got a 
 steady job and I m too fond of eatin ." 
 
 "Don t be a fool!" says Alex. "That 
 stuff about actors not eatin regular is a thing 
 of the past. These days a actor makes more 
 money than a banker. Did you ever appear 
 on the stage anywheres in your life?" 
 
 "I did not!" snarls Delancey. "And I 
 can lick the guy which claims I did !" 
 
 "Fine!" says Alex, lookin at me. "Now 
 of course you ve seen movin pictures, hey?" 
 
 "Sure!" says Delancey. "What d ye 
 think I am ig rant?" 
 
 "Not at all," says Alex. "Do you think if 
 you had a chance and was well paid for it, 
 you could do the things them heroes does in 
 the movies?" 
 
 Delancey Calhoun, nee Tim O Toole, 
 throws out his chest from here to South 
 Dakota.
 
 2 9 6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "Do I think so?" he says. "Why, say, 
 pal that stuff would be soft for me! I 
 ain t no second Mary Pickford or the like 
 and Chaplin might grab off more laughs to 
 the reel than me, but when it come to this 
 here cowboy and full dress stuff Oh, 
 lady!!!" 
 
 "You re hired!" hollers Alex, slappin 
 him on the back. "Startin right now your 
 salary is a hundred a week. Drive that 
 truck back to where it belongs and throw 
 up your job." 
 
 "A hundred a week, hey?" says Delancey, 
 r-ollin his eyes. "Oh, lady!! In a month 
 I ll have Carnegie gnashin his teeth !" He 
 breaks off and swings around on Alex. 
 "Look here!" he says, "I been drivin this 
 truck for two years. I got a good steady 
 job from eight in t he mornin till ten at 
 night, and I get twenty berries a week for 
 it. I don t know nothin about this nut job 
 of yours, but if I don t get my hundred every
 
 ART IS WRONG 297 
 
 week well, they s gonna be a funeral with 
 you bein featured in it, get that?" 
 
 "That s all right," says Alex. "I ll de 
 posit your first six months salary in the bank 
 for you how s that?" 
 
 "What could be sweeter?" says Delancey. 
 "They s just one other thing." 
 
 "Speak up!" says Alex. 
 
 "As long as I m gonna be a movie actor," 
 says Delancey, "do I get a dress suit to 
 wear?" 
 
 "Sure!" says Alex. "Why?" 
 
 "Well," grins Delancey, "I never had one 
 of them open faced suits on in me life and in 
 fact I was savin up to get one now. I m 
 simply nutty to put on one of them layouts 
 and knock the innocent onlookers silly. If 
 you hit a tough week, I might take ninety- 
 five bucks and let the rest go over a few days, 
 but I gotta have the dress suit and that 
 goes!" 
 
 "It s yours," says Alex, diggin me in the 
 ribs.
 
 2 9 8 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 "All right," says Delancey, "I ll go down 
 now and make the boss faint by quittin . 
 I ll meet you anywheres you says to-mor 
 
 row." 
 
 "You will not," says Alex. "I ll ride 
 right down on that truck with you now!" 
 
 About two weeks later, Alex comes up to 
 the flat and tells me to put on my hat and 
 cane. He says he s gonna take me over to 
 the studio and show me Delancey Calhoun s 
 first picture. 
 
 "So you re really goin through with it, 
 hey?" I says. "What company did you get 
 him landed with?" 
 
 "The Par-Excellence Feature Film Com 
 pany," he says. 
 
 "I never heard tell of it," I says. "Who s 
 in back of it?" 
 
 "A young feller by the name of Alex Han- 
 ley!" he comes back, grinnin . 
 
 "What?" I hollers. "D ye mean to say
 
 ART IS WRONG 299 
 
 you started a movie foundry to put this guy 
 over?" 
 
 "I ll leave it to you," he tells me, "when 
 we get to the studio. Let s go!" 
 
 On the way over he shows me a lot of the 
 advertisin copy with which he s gonna in 
 troduce Delancy Calhoun to the waitin 
 world. I must say it was hot stuff! It 
 claims that Delancey Calhoun is the sole 
 heir to the $20,000,000 left by the late Arte- 
 mus Calhoun which died twenty years ago. 
 The will was given to his lawyers, Sandring- 
 ham, Bellew and Fitch, with instructions 
 not to open it for twenty years. When it 
 was opened, it was found that them twenty 
 millions was left to his only nephew, De 
 lancey. Alex has opened a law office down 
 town under the name of Sandringham, Bel- 
 lew and Fitch, so s to take care of the re 
 porters and other guys of a inquisitive na 
 ture. Then comes the kick. 
 
 Delancey, a handsome and accomplished
 
 300 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 young giant, is tired of the "sham and de 
 ceit" of his own "exalted social set" and it s 
 his ambition to wed a girl of the common 
 people and let her enjoy some of the millions 
 his hard-fisted uncle wrung from their toil. 
 He also has another aim in life and that is to 
 accomplish a sweepin reform of the movie 
 game. He s always been a great fan him 
 self, but he s sick of the impossible plays 
 which has been foisted on a innocent and 
 nickel spendin public. Therefore, he has 
 organized his own movie company, will pro 
 duce his own pictures from real life stories 
 of the eternal struggle, and last but not least, 
 he ll appear personally in them himself, to 
 gratify a whim he s had since he first looked 
 over the side of a cradle. He thinks the 
 average movie hero is sickenin , and he 
 wants to show the world how a real hero 
 would act. He will appear in twelve pic 
 tures only. Each will be a episode in the 
 greatest mystery story ever written entitled,
 
 ART IS WRONG 301 
 
 "What was Hector s Choice?" Every sin 
 gle female in the country is invited to see 
 this picture and send in their solution of the 
 mystery. The one that comes nearest to the 
 correct answer will become the bride of De- 
 lancy Calhoun and his twenty million bucks. 
 
 Oh, boy!!! 
 
 "Alex," I says, "I ll tell the world this 
 is great stuff! It must be gonna cost you a 
 bunch of money. Where do you get off?" 
 
 "Your head and glue is the two thickest 
 things I ever seen," he says. "Where do I 
 get mine, hey? I get it from the sale of the 
 pictures this bird makes. In a coupla 
 months they ll be riots in theatres all over 
 the country to see this guy in the movies!" 
 
 "Maybe," I says. "But how are you 
 gonna pull em in? Right off the bat he s 
 gotta compete with Chaplin, Mary Pickford 
 and the like." 
 
 "I didn t wanna spring my ace so soon on 
 you," he says, "but I guess I got to. How
 
 302 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 am I gonna pull em in? This way single 
 women will be admitted free at every theatre 
 where this picture is shown!" 
 
 Wheee!!!! 
 
 "You re there, Alex!" I admits. "But 
 suppose the men and married women stays 
 away?" 
 
 "Stays away?" he says. "They ll break 
 their way in! The married women will 
 wanna see Delancey and get a idea of what 
 they missed, and the men will wanna see 
 what this big fathead looks like, if only to 
 kid him." 
 
 "What kind of a actor is he?" I says. 
 
 "Wait till you see him," says Alex. 
 "He s got the studio standin on its ear! 
 He thinks he s the greatest actor the world 
 ever seen and everybody else from the direc 
 tor to the camera men is dubs. He refuses 
 to fake any of the fight scenes and I gotta pay 
 supers ten bucks a day to take his wallops. 
 The first time he had a love scene with the 
 leadin lady he thought it was on the level
 
 ART IS WRONG 303 
 
 and went out and got a marriage license. 
 He argued two hours in favor of real bullets 
 for the duel he fights with the villain and 
 refused to play a scene supposed to be in 
 Alaska because the studio s in Jersey. He 
 claims the guy which wrote the scenario es 
 caped from a lunatic asylum and he plays 
 the second two reels his own way. I ve had 
 three different oasts work with him because 
 he gets them all sore by his kiddin them 
 about art. He takes everything in dead 
 earnest and tried to beat up the villain on 
 the street twice because he s supposed to 
 hate him in the picture. But this first 
 episode is some film!!!" 
 
 I seen the picture in the private projectin 
 room and Alex told the truth when he called 
 it "some film." In fact that there would of 
 been as good a title for the whole picture 
 as the one they had. They was more ad 
 ventures happened to Delancey Calhoun in 
 them five reels than Robinson Crusoe, Co 
 lumbus, Kit Carson and Davy Crockett had
 
 304 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 in their combined lives! He was a heart- 
 breaker one second and a head-breaker the 
 next. He had insisted to Alex that one vil 
 lain wasn t enough for him to foil, so they 
 had about a dozen and he trimmed em all. 
 They was also several heroines for him to 
 save and clasp on his manly bosom, which 
 same he did- in evenin clothes only. It 
 was nothin for him to save a maiden in dis 
 tress from a sinkin ship and the next second 
 appear i-n a lifeboat with a dress suk on, 
 rowin for shore. No matter if the scene 
 was mornin or night, Alaska or the Sahara 
 Desert, Delancey was there in his little dress 
 suit. He would of parted with that and his 
 left eye with the same willin ness. 
 
 Apart from the film itself, which might of 
 been good or might of been bad, but cer 
 tainly was excitin for your life, Delancey 
 was a riot! He was the handsomest thing I 
 ever seen on a screen and I don t blame all 
 the dames in the studio for fallin for him. 
 In that treasured dress suit of his which cost
 
 ART IS WRONG 305 
 
 Alex as much as a limousine, they ain t no 
 woman on earth that wouldn t get a thrill 
 when she looked at him, provided he didn t 
 start no conversation. He looked class 
 that s all they is to it! 
 
 When we come out from seein the pic 
 ture, Delancey is walkin around the studio, 
 still with the dress suit on. He s tellin one 
 of the best directors in the country how to 
 properly produce a movie and said director 
 is takin it hard. He breaks off when he 
 sees us. 
 
 "Hello!" he says. "Well, what d ye 
 think of me? I m a knockout, hey?" 
 
 "Easily that," I admits, shakin his hand. 
 "How d ye like bein a actor?" 
 
 "Rotten!" he says. "This stuff is the 
 bunk and them actors gimme a pain. I 
 think they re all nutty. How they get 
 money for this hop is past me ! All I do all 
 day is pretend I m this and pretend I m that 
 and the foreman of this layout keeps yellin , 
 Register fear! and stuff like that at me. I
 
 3 o6 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 don t know why this friend of yours is givin 
 me money for this, but I bet they s a catch to 
 it somewheres!" 
 
 "Isn t he simply delicious?" says the 
 leadin woman, with a fond glance at De- 
 lancey. 
 
 "Delicious, hey?" he snorts. "What d ye 
 think I am a pie?" 
 
 They is a vampire there and she turns up 
 her nose. 
 
 "I think he s impossible!" she says. "He 
 hasn t the slightest conception of art." 
 
 "Lemme alone !" growls Delancey. "I m 
 as good a actor as you guys is, if not better. 
 Where d ye get that art stuff?" 
 
 "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You 
 must have worked all your life to acquire 
 ignorance, for no one was ever born as 
 stupid as you! All you have is your looks." 
 
 "Yeh," snarls Delancey. "And all 
 Rockefeller s got is a billion!" 
 
 At this point Alex stepped in and pre 
 vented bloodshed.
 
 ART IS WRONG 307 
 
 Well, Delancey is as big a success as a 
 movie star as Boston is as a town, and within 
 a month he s swept the country like a new 
 dance. That stuff about him bein a mil 
 lionaire and willin to marry the girl which 
 guesses the answer to the mystery in "What 
 Was Hector s Choice?" caught on with the 
 ladies like cold cream and his handsome 
 map did the rest. His picture is plastered 
 all over the country and kids which barely 
 knowed their A, B, C s, is familiar with his 
 name. His mail arrives daily in freight 
 cars and Alex had four guys workin on 
 nothin but autographin his photos for "A 
 Admirer" and "Your Unknown Friend." 
 Alex got a quarter the each for said photos 
 to cover the "wrapping and mailing 
 charges" and made a nice little profit on the 
 side. 
 
 With all this success, though, Delancey 
 Calhoun kept his head. He never appeared 
 at no banquets, addressed meetin s on "The 
 Future of the Motion Picture Industry," or
 
 308 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 as much as glanced at the daily slew of mail. 
 When the dames around the studio cast lan- 
 guishin glances at his handsome form, he 
 glared at em like a infuriated turtle. If 
 one of em remarked that it was a nice day 
 by way of startin a slight flirtation, Delan- 
 cey would answer that he couldn t help it, 
 and walk away. He never spent a nickel 
 foolishly or at all, and when the auto agents 
 swooped down on him, he borrowed cigars 
 from them and beat it. 
 
 The most astonishin thing, though, was 
 the way he acted about the movies durin 
 his career as a star. He never stopped 
 claimin that the whole thing was the bunk 
 and that it was idiotic for a grown person 
 to put on a wig and take off the old banker or 
 the like, when they was only a fifty buck a 
 week actor. He insisted that anything as 
 silly as the movies was could never last and 
 they was more real money in the truckin 
 business for a man that knew the game as he 
 did and had plenty of wagons. When Alex
 
 When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, 
 he glared at them like an infuriated turtle. See page 308
 
 ART IS WRONG 309 
 
 argues with him and says that many of the 
 big stars makes fifty thousand a year, he 
 tells Alex to stop usin opium because it ll 
 get him in the end. 
 
 At the end of three months, Delancey has 
 made Alex pay him a percentage of the re 
 ceipts and a salary of a thousand a week, but 
 his opinion of the movie business is un 
 changed. He explains the fact that he s 
 makin plenty of money out of it by sayin 
 that Alex must be takin it out of his own 
 pocket and is simply makin pictures to 
 cover up his real game, which is prob ly 
 safe crackin . Alex throws up his hands 
 and lets him be after that one. 
 
 Fin ly the last picture is made and Alex 
 gives out the information to a expectant 
 world that a girl in Brisbane, Australia, has 
 won the guessin contest and Delancey Cal- 
 houn s hand, and the famous star will sail 
 immediately to wed her. The newspapers 
 all prints pictures of em both, Alex gettin 
 the lucky dame s by photographin his
 
 3 io ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 stenographer. A couple of papers didn t 
 get neither and runs pictures of Brisbane, 
 Australia, so s to be on the job anyways. 
 Then Alex collects the thousand bucks I 
 bet him that he couldn t make a movie star 
 outa a truck driver and prepares to break 
 the news to his wife and mine that he has 
 done the same. He figures this will kill 
 forever their wild infatuation for Carring- 
 ton De Vire, the idol of the screen. 
 
 At that point, Delancey Calhoun walks 
 into the office. 
 
 "Ah, Delancey," says Alex, "I was just 
 gonna send for you. Now that our original 
 contract has expired, let me congratulate 
 you. You done great and far better than 
 even I expected. You re famous the world 
 over and must have a good sized bankroll if 
 you ve stayed in at nights and kept away 
 from race tracks and the like. I only in 
 tended this as a experiment, but it has gone 
 ove r so big that I want you to sit down here 
 and sign a contract for five years at the big-
 
 ART IS WRONG 311 
 
 gest salary you ever heard of. We ll make 
 the greatest pictures the world 
 
 "Wait a minute!" butts in Delancey. 
 "Don t rave no more. My name is Tim 
 O Toole again and not Delancey, which 
 sounds like a collar. I m sick and tired of 
 movin pictures and that big salary stuff is as 
 much bunk as the rest of it. I ain t goin 
 around rescuin nutty dames, beatin up 
 supes which is supposed to be the desperate 
 smugglers and divin off bridges no more! 
 I m goin to make a honest livin and I ve 
 bought out the truckin business I was work- 
 in for when ^ ou come along and made a 
 movie star and a simp outa me. I ll be 
 takin in money there long after the movies 
 is gone and all the pictures I ll ever move 
 from now on will be loaded on one of my 
 wagons. Fare-thee-well, and I hope they s 
 no hard feelin s. If they is, I ain t gonna 
 sob out loud over it!" 
 
 For a minute Alex was speechless. Then 
 he comes to and work s a hour tryin to get
 
 312 ALEX THE GREAT 
 
 the ex -)elancey Calhoun to change his 
 mind. They was nothin doin . In fact, 
 Delancey walked out and left us flat in the 
 middle of Alex s wail. 
 
 Well, anyways, Alex still had one satis 
 faction left and that was to prove to Eve and 
 the wife that he had put over a truck driver 
 as a movie star. He done it after dinner 
 that night and if he caused any sensation, I 
 failed to see it with the naked eye. 
 
 "Well," says Eve, "that proves my argu 
 ment." 
 
 "Proves your argument?" hollers Alex. 
 "Didn t you claim movie stars was born, and 
 didn t I take a truck driver and make him 
 famous at it?" 
 
 "Yes," says Eve. "And then he went 
 back to the trucking business, because he 
 wasn t born an artist and the whole thing 
 seemed silly to him. He couldn t stand the 
 make-believe any longer, because he had no 
 imagination, no art nothing but the stupid 
 ability to make money!"
 
 ART IS WRONG 313 
 
 Alex sinks down in a chair and throws up 
 his hands. 
 
 "Can you beat a woman?" he asks me. 
 
 "Not in this state," I says. "It s against 
 the law." 
 
 "Come!" says Eve. "You boys are just 
 in time. Carrington De Vire is down at 
 the Palace in The Arctic Sunflower. I m 
 crazy to see it. I think he s wonderful 1" 
 
 THE END
 
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