&3N MY SPOUSE AND I AN OPERATICAL FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. BY C. DIBDIN, JUN. AUTHOR OF THE FARMER'S WIFE, SfC. SfC. SfC. 6fC. FIRST PERFORMED AT THE C&eatre Bopai, SDriirg lane, ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1815* THE MUSIC COMPOSED BY MR. WHITAKER. LONDON: PRINTED FOR WHITTIN GHAM AND ARLISS, PATERNOSTER ROW. 1815. Price Two Shillings. . ; PrlBUd by WhUUngham and Rowland, Goswell Street, London. THIS PIECE IS MOST RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED TO THE HONOURABLE GEORGE LAMB, WHOSE JUDICIOUS ADVICE WAS OF ESSENTIAL SERVICE TO HIS MOST OBEDIENT AND OBLIGED SERVANT, THE AUTHOR. December 11, 1815. 829174 MY Spouse and I, cordially thanking all whose talents and exertions introduced this trifle to Public favour, beg leave respectfully to ac- knowledge the gentlemanly attention of the Noblemen and Gentlemen composing the Sub- Committee. More might be said, but " Many words won't fill a bushel" as I say to my Spouse ; and " Least said's soonest mended" as my Spouse do say to I. SADLER'S WELLS, Dec. 11, 1815. 10 DAME PADDOCK (entering from the farm house.) And Hopper's wife be i' the right ; If lazy hinds like you appear, The corn will ne'er be cut to-night PADDOCK (entering from the field.} Not if you keep 'em loitering here. The sun has beam'd an hour or more : To work, and prate when labour's o'er. CHORUS. Master and Dame, we'll haste away, And labour kindly all the day ; And when our toil is o'er regale And drink your health in Scorem's ale. [Exeunt all but Paddock and Scorem. Scorem. Are you for a drop of my best home brewed this morning; master Paddock? Paddock. They who do drink in a morning, neigh- bour Scorem, do generally get the head-ach by noon, and the heart-ach by night ; and they be two trouble- some companions. A clear head be the next thing to a clear conscience. Scorem. (Ironically.) And you have both, they say. Paddock. Why as to that, my conscience, thank hea- ven, be like my crop, pretty fairish ; and Though my head be thick, as I say to my Spouse, There be nothing in that, as my Spouse do say to I. Scorem. Your spouse is a very sensible woman; but, by the bye, the whole village is curious to know who that stripling is you have lately hired; who, with his pretty looks and smart clothes has turned the heads of half the girls in the place. Paddock. Poor lad, he do seem to have known better days; he came to us a child of misfortune, and he be no Christian who do refuse to receive the wandering stranger. Scorem. True, master Paddock, and though I keep an alehouse, and some people are wicked enough to say I chalk double, my door is open to every stranger. 11 Enter FRISK shabbily genteel. Frisk. I'm glad to hear it. I am a stranger, and want to walk in. Scorem. Welcome, sir, to the Barley Mo w, that's the house ; there's the sign and under it, " Pay to-day trust to-morrow." (Aside.) A broad hint; he seems as poor as Job. Frisk. Trust to-morrow? couldn't you make it to-day ? there's an inconvenience in waiting. [Discovering to the audience that his pockets are empty. Scorem. That's my reason for not trusting. Frisk. Didn't you say your door was open to the stranger ? Scorem. Aye, that could pay his reckoning coming, coming ! [Runs in to the Barley Mow, and closes the door in Frisk's face. Frisk. (To Paddock.) A pretty fellow to insult a gentleman in distress. I'll expose him in the County Chronicle as a warning to hungry travellers, whose stomachs and purses are in unison. I'll give him his true character; you can give me a hint, and I'll make bad worse by improving on it. Paddock. Why, as to that, I mtm beg to be excused ; he who do pick a hole in his neighbour's coat de- serves to live in a house without a neighbourhood. Frisk. Give me your hand, I should like to be better acquainted with you. Feeling in a flail, and senti- ment in a smock frock ! Your haystack is no relation to the Barley Mow why you'd make a famous cha- racter in a novel. Paddock. A novel ! What may that be, sir ? Frisk. Don't you know what a novel is ? one vil- lage in the kingdom without a circulating library then there are hopes. A novel is a book, whose title is new, and contents generally old the hero, a queer good for nothing, well meaning, comical fellow, though tolerably engaginsjlike me; the heroine, a pretty, lan- guishing, silly girl^ like most of her female readers ; her guardian, a crusty, hard-hearted, pay to-day and 12 trust to-morrow, like that fellow. (Pointing to the alehouse.} Her aunt, an antiquated, teazing, obstinate quiz, like that. [Pointing to Dame Paddockwho enters. Dame Pad. Quiz, what dost mean? and why dost stand talking with that Jack-a-dandy, Paddock, when there be so much to do in the field ? PtiddocJc. Dame, dame, doantee be cantankerous this gentleman Dame Pad. Gentleman, quotha ? ha, ha, ha ! If thee want'st a hand in the field, I dare say the gentle- man will be very glad to make himself useful. Ha, ha, ha ! Paddock. Nay, nay, how canst thou expect a gen- tleman to make himself useful ? Dame Pad. Well, well, I can't stay talking non- sense; thee ought to make haste to the reapers, and if thee hast any thing to say to the gentleman, bid him call another time. [Going. Frisk. The nearer dinner time the better. Paddock. That be just the time I were thinking, (aside, and earnestly -to Dame Paddock.) Wife, wife, he do want a dinner. Dame Pad. (Returning.) What ! want a dinner ? pray sir, walk in ; and do'ee take a luncheon to stay thee till dinner be ready ; and Paddock, do'ee draw a jug o' the best, that the gentleman may give his opinion of my brewing : luncheon shall be ready directly, sir. Make haste, Paddock, make haste. [Goes into the house. Paddock. I wool, dame ; and it shall be a jug o'the best. ( Aside.) I wish neighbour Scorem knew what pleasure there be in sometimes drawing ale for nothing. {Goes in. Frisk. Here's primitive hospitality! A novel writer would describe it somehow tnus : " Arrived half fa- mished, with a ftill heart and empty pocket, at a pic- turesque farm house, beautifully o'erspread with woodbines." (Looking at it.) I see nothing but stinging nettles ; and now shall I get over that pig stye? Turn it into a dog kennel, and introduce a beautiful apostrophe to the virtues of honest Tray. " Honest Tray, partaking of the character of his mas- ter, the very picture of patriarchal hospitality, wel- comed by his caresses the hapless wanderer. When 13 the farmer's wife, a pretty, modest looking woman, with half a dozen cnrly-pated cherubs about her, came out ; and addressing him in the soft accents of unso- phisticated humanity, said Enter ROGER. Roger. What d'ye do here, you vagabond ? after the pigs and poultry, I suppose. Frisk. My dear fellow, you mistake your man. Roger. No, I doant ; it's easy to see what you be, mon, a common vagram, but if you don't go off my measter's premises, I'll make you. Frisk. My good sir, I give you credit Roger. That's more than you'll get yourself. Frisk. A word with you ; you belong to that house ? Roger. What if I do? Frisk. I dine there to day. Roger. Had'nt you better stay till you're axed ? Frisk. That ceremony's past. Jug of the best ; fine luncheon : Don't you hear the eggs and bacon frying, you rogue you ? I am off and let me give you a little parting advice. If you wish to support the cha- racter of an Englishman, whenever you meet a hungry stranger, always address him with Paddock. (Entering.) The luncheon be ready, sir. Frisk. (To Roger. ) Did'nt I tell you so ? (to Pad- dock.) Thankye, thankye; I'll do it justice! and as eating heartily is the best way of returning a hearty welcome, you shall find me as grateful as appetite can make me. [Goes in. Paddock. Why, Roger, have you been saying any thing rude to that young man ? he be a gentleman in distress, I dare say ; though a queer plain spoken chap as I ever seed : but Plain and above-board be best, as I say to my Spouse ; and Rough and ugly munnat be despised, as my Spouse do say to I. Roger. I were protecting your property : I thought un a poacher ; however, as matters have turned out, I'll go ax un pardon ; for when a man finds he's wrong, let un own it like a man, I say. [Goes into the house. 14 Paddock. Well, I be happy I chanced to light upon that poor hungry gentleman ; it do make one eat one's dinner so heartily when the cheerful face 'of a poor guest be the sauce to it. There be many sweet and cheering enjoyments, but while they please for a time only, the smile of gratitude gives to him who raises it, pleasure for ever. [Exit. SCENE II. A Room in Paddock* s House. Table and Chair. Enter DAME PADDOCK and JANET. Dame Pad. I declare, Janet, you are always idle, and mind nothing but singing nonsensical love bal- lads Janet. It is no use, mistress, scolding and scolding till a poor girl doesn't know what hur is about; look you. Dame Pad. Heyday ! Since this lad Harry came, your poor Welch head runs so upon him, that you have proved false hearted to poor Ned, our shepherd ; fie ! fie ! Janet. Janet. Oh yes, it is fery proper, fie, fieing indeed, but hur can't help having affections and partialities for Harry, any more than Ned can help loving hurself ; and so they may pripple and may prapple about false- heartedness, but, after all, as the ballad goes, till pru- dence says yes. A poor girl should always say no. SONG. Love, little blind urchin, went strolling one day. And madrigals chaunted so pretty; While ballads he sold as he went on his way, With Valentine verses so witty ; Love's burthen was " Maids, ne'er away your hearts throw . Till Prudence prompts yes, always answer, O wo/' 15 Love, little false urchin, advice didn't spare, Yet his arrows at random he shot 'em ; And a dart aim'd at Prudence, who chanc'd to be there, But thus wounded, their hearts she forgot 'ein. Left by Prudence the maids turn'd out silly, and so They often said yes, when they should have said no. [Exit. Dame Pad. Poor simple wench. Heyday ! here comes Harry from the market town already. On my word he has made rare haste. He certainly is a pretty lad, and I don't wonder that all the girls be in love with him. Enter HARRIET (in Boy's Clothes) with a Basket on her shoulder which she throws on the table and seems out of breath. Dame Pad. Back already ? thee must have flown. Har. On the wings of gratitude then; it would be wonderful if my heels were heavy when your kind- ness has made my heart so light ! Dame Pad. Well, well, sit thee down and rest abit : thy limbs were not made for labour I warrant ; but come, now here are no listners, tell me, what is it that makes thee go moping about so, and then so merry by turns ? Har. Why really I am unhappy (in a careless way.) Dame Pad. Then you have always a very pleasant way of showing it. Har. Why, dear me, would you have me make every body miserable because I am so ? I always put the best side outwards ; and when I am sad, rattle away to conceal the fulness of my heart through the emptiness of my head. (Aside.) I'll tell her I'm a woman at once, that I may have somebody to put confidence in. Ah ! my dear, dear Mrs. Paddock, I have such a story to tell you : I may trust you, (Archly) I think you wont betray me. Dame Pad. Betray thee ? me betray thee ? Har. Dont look grave now, as if you was angry ; 16 and you know I love you too well to make you angry. (Chuckingher coaxingly under the Chin) Dame JPad. Bless me, what's the matter with the boy ? Har. Now I'll fasten the door that no one may intrude. (Runs to the door.) Dame Pad. Heyday, what does he mean ! (Alarmed} Harry ; why, why ! Har. (Archly.) You're not afraid of me, are you ? ha, ha, ha ! Dame Pad. I protest I don't know what to make of you: but unlock the door, or I wont listen to a word. Suppose my good man suppose bless me I'm all in a flurry. Har. A flurry? ha! ha! ha! (Unlocks the door.) There, now your alarm's over, I hope ! and now for my story: do you know, for all my swaggering, I'm afraid of every body ; and though you think me all simplicity, I, I deceived you. Dame Pad. Deceived me ! (with anger) the little villain ! that was the very thing I was afraid of. Har. Now do look grave again; but truth must out now, and you wont be angry when you know the cause. I am not wjiat I seem. Dame Pad. That's plain enough : thee art too well spoken for a common body. Har. You misconceive me ; I am, I am Dame Pad. What the geminis art thee ? art a va- grant ? Har. No. Dame Pad. A deserter ? Har. No, No. Dame Pad. Art thee good for any thing ? Har. Oh ! no, no ! Dame Pad. In short, art thee an honest man ? Har. No. Dame Pad. No ? Har. I am a woman ! Dame Pad. A woman ! mercy on us ; thee hasn't been telling thy story to my husband, hast thee ? Har. No, no ; and if I had you wouldn't fear a poor silly girl. 17 Dame Pad. Ha ! ha ! ha ! But come, tell thy story. Har. Left a poor orphan, and persecuted by the dishonourable addresses of a rich guardian ; I left London in this dress : and when the little money I had was expended, reached this spot : you know the rest your generosity Dame Pad. (Wiping her eyes.) Psha ! Generosity! say no more about it ; but ha ! ha ! ha ! I can't help laughing how thee wilt disappoint all the village lasses, who be light-headed and heavy hearted about thee. Paddock. (Without.) Dame! Dame Pad. My good man do call ; I'll come to thee again, but I were all in a twitteration ; for the door locked by a smart lad were enough to alarm a likely body, as I am, ha, ha, ha ! [ Exit laughing. Har. Now, in case of discovery, I am certain of protection here : perhaps my persecutor may follow me no longer; what happiness can he hope for? I never will be his, and should he again get me in hig power, the breaking my heart would foil all his hopes. Pleasure is his pursuit, a phantom for ever eluding its follower, and which, when secured, ceases to exist. BALLAD. HARRY. A little boy espied A butterfly one day ; To catch the prize he tried ; The insect got away. From flower to flower it flew The hunter to elude ; He more impatient grew The longer lie pursued. Pursuing pleasure if you try, 'Tis to chase the butterfly. The little eager boy The trifler followed up, Who buried, to his joy, Within a tulip's cup. The boy with all his power To seize the tulip flew, His ardour crush'd the flower, And kuTd the insect too. Securing pleasure if you try, Tis to kill the butterfly. [Exit. SCENE III. Another Room. FRISK and PADDOCK discovered eating, Sfc. Frisk. Your health. Master Paddock; you see I'm quite free and easy. Paddock. Well, that be what I like, (looking toward the window) I declare there's my landlord, 'Squire Wilton, from Lunnun. Well, we mun be civil to un; though he be trying to break my lease, and turn me out of doors, 'cause I don't let his hares and pheasants eat all my corn. The cause be to be tried to-day, and no doubt he be come on purpose about it. However, Never show your teeth till you can bite ; as I say to my Spouse ; And one, mun sometimes hold a candle to the devil; as my Spouse do say to I. (Goes out.) Frisk. (Drinking.) Your health in your absence, my honest fellow ; never was better ale, nor warmer welcome. But didn't he say 'Squire Wilton ? Ho ! ho ! I'd rather not meet him ; though he don't know me and in fact, I only know him by name. Re-enter PADDOCK bowing, ushering in WILTON. DAME PADDOCK entering at another Door. Wilton. Well, Paddock Paddock. The rent be ready, sir; I'll fetch un directly. 19 Wilton. No such haste ; my steward will settle that; I merely call'd with a how d'ye do, having come down on a shooting excursion. Frisk. Good opportunity, sir ; fine weather; harvest nearly in, plenty of game, and Wilton. (Haughtily.) Sir? Frisk. (Aside.} Booby in buckskin ; must quiz him. Dame Paddock. Will your honour please to take a snack this morning ? Frisk. Good incentive to appetite here, sir ; charm- ing chops ; capital cutlets ; beautiful bacon ; and admirable ale. Wilton. Sir ! (sternly) as I have no knowledge of you Frisk. That impediment shall be removed imme- diately, sir ; I am Frank Frisk, at your service ; a rat- tle-brained run-away fellow ; not quite so forlorn as I look, nor so empty as you may suppose. Paddock. (Aside to Frisk.} Dang it now, sir, don't make so free with his honour ; he may think it not pretty behaved, under favour. Frisk. My good Paddock, you have entertained me too nobly for me to affront your friends. (To Wilton.) Beg pardon, sir ; hope my nonsense will make no dif- ference between you and your worthy tenant. I'm a good shot, and shall be proud to accompany you, in capacity of a trudge, if most agreeable start covey pop partridge hamper hare beat bush bag game shoot flying or any other possible accommodation in my power. Wilton. I have my people to attend me, sir (to PADDOCK aside) Show that man the door, Paddock. Paddock. Why I be main proud to see your honour to be sure ; because it be a bit of a condescension ; and I hope the gentleman will beg pardon, or so ; but as I have axed un to my house, it be not good manners to turn un out. Wilton. Very well, sir, his friendship is probably of more consequence than mine. Dame Pad. (Aside to PADDOCK.^ Friendship ? Hey ! What ? Pay rent ask no favour ; if thee turn'st out a poor man to please a rich one, thee hast none of the blood of the Paddocks in thee, that's all. [Exit angrily making a half curtsy to WILTON. 20 Wilton. (Haughtily.) Good day, Mr. Paddock, the goodness of your lease is to be tried to-day, and I shall remember this. [Exit WILTON. Paddock. Your servant, sir rent be ready when steward do call, sir. (Calling after him.) Master Frisk, thee be'st a comical gentleman, but I do think thee an honest one, and while thee stayest in this village, Pad- dock's door be always open to thee; but it be'nt wise to affront squire; for, it be Dangerous meddling wt edge tools, as 1 say to my Spouse ; and There's no making honey from a crab apple, as my Spouse do say to I. Frisk. My dear friend, I have made a breach here, which may operate to your disadvantage; I'll follow, and when I've made it up, I'll look in again. Paddock. At dinner time, and welcome. Frisk. Thank ye, thank ye. [Exit FRISK. Paddock. Squire may be angry; but my lease be firm and good for all his law, and I do pay my rent to the day ; so while I do treat un with proper civility, that for his anger. (Snapping his fingers.) He be I know but a half witted one, and Empty vessels make the greatest sound as I say to my Spouse ; and, A fooVs bolt be soon shot as my Spouse do say to I. [Exit. SCENE IV. Fields. Enter WILTON with a Gun, and DICK in a Livery, but with something in his Dress denoting the Sailor. Wilton. Well, Dick, did you see any birds? Dick. Not a sail, your worship. Wilton. Leave off your salt water slang, sir. Dick. Won't ship another sea, your worship. Wilton. Pshaw ; Look out, look out ! Dick. Crowd sail directly, your worship. [Exit DICK. Wilton. I'm heartily tired of this fellow ; I wish 1 had'nt taken him ; but 'tis only till his brother re- covers. Hey! Dido! Dido; (Whistles.) Where has 21 ip the dog got to? I miss'd her in the last field. I hope she'll not be snapp'd up. I wouldn't lose her for a hundred. SONG. WILTON. When the grey morning breaks O'er the dew-powder'd soil; When his way the hind takes, Light of heart, to his toil; I rise, ere the sun Darts his beams, health to court ; Call my dog, load my gun, And away to the sport. Creep slow through the stubble, the covey are met ; Toho ! Dido ! good dog she has 'em they're set- I mark 'em they rise bang ! one's fated to die, I bag it, and onward trot Dido and I. Thus brace after brace, For my aim's pretty true, I bag in a space That few sportsmen can do. With appetite keen To my box then I go, While the charms of the scene Set my heart in a glow. But hold in the stubble hey Dido stops short Toho ! Dido good dog she points to the sport I mark 'em they rise bang ! another must die 1 bag it, and homeward trot Dido and I. Re-enter DICK. Dick. Not a sail in the offing, your worship. Enter HARRIET, looking another way. Wilton. (To Henry.) Hark ye, my lad, have you seen any birds ? Harl Yes, sir, I saw. (Aside.) Heavens ! my per- secutor! [Runs off. 22 x Wilton. Dick, did you see that face ? Dick. Tacked too soon, your honour. Wilton. Pshaw! run after that lad directly, and find out where he lives run Dick. Ten knots an hour, your honour. [DicK runs off. Wilton. I am egregiously deceived, or that is Har- riet Greville in disguise ; I cannot mistake a face that has made such an impression on my heart : and running away the moment I spoke confirms my suspicion. But how got she here ? Enter SCOREM. FRISK enters behind, and listens. Scorem. Happy to see your honour in these parts. Wilton. Thank ye. Pray, who is that lad that pass- ed you just now ? Scorem. A wanderer who came to the village, and was taken in by Paddock ; and I dare say he'll take him in in return : for my part, I don't know what use he can be to him ; he seems more like a girl than a boy. But Paddock is but a~poor foolish fellow. Wilton. Yes, he insulted me this morning : but he shall repent it before I leave the country. Frisk. (Aside.) Indeed ! Scorem. (Aside.) Ho ! Ho ! The wind sits in that quarter, does it? I'm sure he ought to pay every re- spect to your honour, when his farm is so much under let, and a long lease too. Wilton. His lease, I hope, will be set aside to-day ; however, if not, I will never give him another. Scorem. (Aside.) A lucky moment ! now for a clincher. Frisk. (Aside.) If you don't get a clincher some day ; somebody won't get his due, that's all. Scorem. 'Tis no business of mine to be sure ; but I would give one third more rent for the farm, and if I could assist vour honour in gaining your cause and getting rid of the lease Wilton. If you can, you shall have the new one. 23 Scorem. A bargain : I've seen his lease. He en- gages to keep on the farm never less than one hundred sheep at a time. Wilton. Well ? Scorem. Now to ray knowledge, for the last twelve months, there haven't been more than fifty on it. Wilton. Indeed ! That will make the lease void and gain the cause ; prove it, and the new lease shall be yours. Meet me at the Manor House this evening. Scorem. I will, your honour. I'l prove it I'll take my own oath. Walton. Will you, my honest fellow ? Scorem. Yes, to any thing. Frisk. (Aside.) I don't doubt it. Scorem. I won't fail, your honour ; (aside} I've nail'd it. [Exit. Frisk. (Aside.) Yes; but the clincher's to come yet ; and I must have a hand in that. Re-enter DICK. Dick. Couldn't get the weather-gage of him, your honour ; so hauled in, tacked about, and Wilton. Follow me. [Exit Wilton. Dick. Another squall he grows so cranky and yawish, there's no bearing him ; however, I'm rated for the present cruise, but when we return to port, I'll strike the yellow admiral's flag here, (pointing to the cuffs of his coat, which are yellow,) and sail under the true blue a^ain. Frisk. (Coming forward.} Why, Dick ! Dick. Bless me, your honour, how glad I am to hail you once more : only cruise here a few glasses, and I'll heave in your wake again. But Bosen has piped, and I must obey orders. [Exit Dick. Frisk. Meeting Dick's apropos. He must assist me to foil this publican : so, as he is to return, I'll sit down here, and ruminate like a half starved Peripa- tetic. [Sits down half concealed by a bush. -24 Enter JANET. Janet. Oh, dearest me ! it is creat criefs and dis- tresses, look you, that this Harry was ever come to the place : he has made sad work with hur poor heart. Enter NED, whistling, twirling a sticky and appearing not to see JANET. Janet. (Aside. ) Well, I'm sure what disdains and indifferencies ! But though hur doesn't care for him ; hur will make him feel for his want of manners ; look you. Ned ! Ned. (Sulkily, and only half-turning.) Well? Janet. Hur is going to the fair next week. Ned. May be so. Janet . And who d'ye think is going with hur ? Ned. I don't care. Janet. Harry. Ned. What's it to I ? what dost tease I for ? [Going, Sfc. [As Ned goes, he meets Harriet, who has a cane, and pushes against him rudely. Har. Very civil, Mr. Ned ; the road's wide enough. Ned. I shall walk upon what part of it I please, Mr. Harry (flourishing his stick. ) Har. And* so shall \, Mr. Ned ; (flourishing her cane.) Ned. Broo ! (going to her in a threatening manner.) Har. And broo ! again! if you go to that. Janet. (To Ned. ) You're a good-for-nothing ill- manner'dly fellow. Look you. Ned. And you are a good-for-nothing girl, look you. (Mocking her,) I care as little for thee, as for he; and ifhe gives me any of his airs, I'll (flourishing his stick.) Janet. Do touch him : and hur will claw your knave's sconce well, so hur will. Har. Pray good folks, don't quarrel on my ac- 25 count. You may flounce, sir, and look bluff, and fancy I'm not as much of a man as yourself, sir; but I'd have you to know, sir, that I've vanquish'd a better man than you before now, sir. Janet. Ned, why don't hur go to hur work, and not affront hur betters, look you ? Ned. My betters indeed a poor vagrant, for aught I know I've a great mind to (going towards Harriet.; Janet Aye, touch him if you dare ! (getting between them.) Har. (Aside.) Let her keep to that, and I may bluster in safety. I'm half afraid alreadyyou'd better be quiet, sir. Ned. Aye, you may swagger, but you don't rob me of my sweetheart so easily. Har. Me rob you of your sweetheart? Bless the boy ! I've no inclination to rob you of your sweet- heart ; and indeed if I had, I could hardly suppose that she, who had been false to another, would be true to me. Janet. It is ferry fitting and proper, look you, hur should be affronted, and set at nought, for putting hurself in the power of nobody knows who, and no- body cares who neither, (agitated,) and if hur was Ned, hur would preak hur coxcomb's head, so hur would. Ned. And if you tell me, I'll do it in a minute. (ffed advances angrily towards Harriet.) Janet. (Alarmed for Harriet.) if you lay a finger on him, hur will never forgive you ; look you. TRIO. HARRIET, NED, JANET. x Har. Pray, don't quarrel for me. Ned. Give up all thinking of she, Or worse for you it shall be, And I'll do it, tho' Janet it lose me. [Holding up his stick, Jane. Keep hur distance from Harry. Ned* His point he shan't carry. 26 liar. Good day (going) Janet. Pray now, tarry To spite him ; Har. Nay, prythee excuse me. [She pulls Harriet back. Janet, (to Ned) You are a coxcomb ! a knave ! Ned. (to Janet) None of your airs I'll have ; I don't care for you that. [Snapping his fingers. Har. What are you both at ? I'll ne'er rival you tho' you abuse me. (to Ned.) Ned. 1 don't care if you do. And pray who are you? If you cross me again Janet. If he does, sir, what then ? Ned. Let him stay and you'll see. Janet. Oh, never mind he (to Harriet) Stay and brave him ; Har. Nay, prythee excuse me. Har. Now, Janet, consider ; with Ned you are joking ; To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. Janet. Hur don't care for Ned, and sure Harry is joking ; To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. AW. A false-hearted girl ! but I won't stand his joking ; To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. [Exeunt Janet ajttr Harriet, Ned opposite side. Frisk. ( Coming forward.) A pretty picture of rural simplicity. Enter DICK. So, Dick, you're returned. Dick. Yes, I've slipped cable and so your honour is cruisingunder false colours ? Frisk. Don't you blab, Dick ; but you seem under false colours too. Dick. After a long voyage, I'd a mind to have a bit of a land cruise, by way of change : so my brother Jack, who was the squire's foremast-man, being on the doctor's list, I volunteered into the service for him; and here I am, cox'en of the Cockatoo cruiser. Frisk. Commanded by Captain Strutt. Now, Dick, jou can do me a service. 27 Dick. Can I ? Was'nt I your honour's foster bro- ther ? and won't I go through fire, wind, and water, for you ? Frisk. You're an honest fellow, Dick ; and now for the service I want performed. Scorem, of the Barley Mow, an empty, hollow-hearted tap-tub, is going to rob a worthy farmer here of his lease ; your master is hi* landlord, and you must manage Dick. To rake Scorem, and bring the farmer out of the enemy's wake. Frisk. But here they come, and with them a lad ; no, he has turned down the other path. Dick, (Looking out.) That's the lad whose latitude my master ordered me to find ; the squire thinks he's a girl that he is in chase of: and so, mayhap, you can lend me*a hand to put Squire abaft the binnacle too. Frisk. A Girl ! So, so : an adventure ! [The?/ retire. Enter PADDOCK and SCOREM. Scorem. Why, really friend Paddock, the squire's a queer fellow ; and I wouldn't give into his vagaries : what have you to fear ? Frisk. (Coming forward.} A snake in the grass. Scorem. What do you mean ? Frisk. To scotch the snake. Paddock, (to Frisk.) Why, you be rather too hasty and interfering like ! it don't become thee, under fa- vour. Frisk. It's a way I have whenever I meet either a fool or a knave. Scorem. One of which I suppose I am ? Frisk. No : not one ! both. Scorem. You are an impertinent fellow ! Come along, neighbour Paddock. Frisk. Friend Paddock, he's a black sheep; you haven't one like him among all the jifty you keep on your farm. Scorem. (Aside.) Fifty ! he knows more than he should. I'll go to the manor house directly. Well, Paddock, if you mean to stop, I must go. [As Scorem goes off, Paddock is following ; Frisk stops him. 28 Frisk. Beware of that fellow ; he's as false as his own measure. He's after mischief. Paddock. You be an odd kind of gentleman Neigh- bour Scorem Frisk. Is like his chalk, double. But where's the lad? Dick. He pushed off the moment he saw you. Paddock. Aye, that be a fine lad ; and have gone through a power of misfortunes : and she told my dame Frisk. She! Paddock. (Confused.) Odd rot'un, did I say she ? Frisk. Come, come it is a girl ; and a plan is on foot to do both you and her mischief. Old Barley Mow is at the bottom : but he shall have his score properly paid off. Enter NED. Ned. Dinner be ready, master. Paddock. Well, I'll just tell the reapers to strike, and then join you. [Exit PADDOCK. Frisk. Then we'll digest our business and the beef- steaks, at the same time. Enter REAPERS from the Field, who join in the Finale. FINALE We'll hold a cabinet council O'er a beef-steak and brown ale ; And that's a foundation for argument Too substantial to fail. A bumper we'll fill to the honest man, We'll toast him again and again ; And Confusion we'll drink to ev'ry rogue's plan, And pledge it like able men. With a hob-nob, and a merry go round, And we'll pull in ere reason fail ; For the stoutest man in the kingdom found Must knock under to humming ale. END OF ACT I. 21) ACT II. SCENE I. Paddock's Parlour. PADDOCK, DAME PADDOCK, FRISK, and HARRY. Paddock. BUT art sure (to Frisk) thee art right ? It be bad to take away a man's good name. Dame Pad. Good name, quotha ? Scorem's good name be like his good ale ; bad is the best on't. Frisk. That he said so, I have two good witnesses, my ears; that he'll do so, I've a certain proof in his heart ; and that he'll be foiled, I've a pretty good pre- sentiment in my own : so cast off care, get in your corn, and I promise you the jolliest harvest-home you have had since you was a farmer. Paddock. Thee speak'st as thee wishest ; thy heart be good, as I say to my Spouse, but thy head goes a wool-gathering, as my Spouse do say to I. Frisk. It will produce a Golden Fleece, then. Paddock. I wish it may prove so ; however t'cause ben't tried yet, law's unsartain, and I always think the two tails of a counsellor's wig be like Plaintiff and Defendant, their only dependance be t' lawyer's head. [Exit. Dame Pad. He do seem rather narvousome ; and if his kind heart do sink, mine will be too sorrowful to keep it up. (Exit crying.} Frisk. ( Aside.) This Wilton little dreams of the rod I have in pickle for him. I wonder I haven't heard from lawyer Pros : sure he never received the letter I sent him. (Seeing Harriet disconsolate.} Why, Harry ! Har. Ah ! Mr. Frisk, they have been my sup- port, my preservers, and are the only friends I have. Frisk. Come, come, don't be so unjust as to leave me out of the number : but I know all about it, don't blush now. Har. Sir! (Confused.} 30 Frisk. Madam. Har. What do you mean ? Frisk. Mean? as if you couldn't guess. I wouldn't be thought impertinent, but do you think your disguise could deceive me ? Har. (Affecting pique.) Disguise, sir ? I don't understand you. Though you may look upon me as a mere boy, I may convince you I am as much of a man as many Frisk. Who wear a woman's heart under a man's habit. It is useless to trifle, Wilton suspects you, and has laid a plan to get you into his power. Har. Heaven shield me from that power ! but, but (Conceals her face with agitation.} Frisk. Come, come, why in tears ? you see I was in the secret, and Har. 'Twas unmanly, sir, to take me by surprise. Frisk. By surprise, my dear girl ? I know your sex, I honour all your sex, and I'll fight for you all: so don't fear to put confidence in me, I will protect you. Har. (Recovering her spirits.) Why you look like a champion ; but not being possessed of your w r onderful penetration, I am really at a loss to know how you can protect me. Frisk. By my head and my hands, plan with one, and fight \vith the other ; but is this same buckram gquire the man who occasioned your flight and dis- guise ? Har. He is ; and on whose account I must again fly. Frisk. Not while Frank Frisk stays in the village ; I shall leave it myself soon, and then we will go toge- ther. Har. Sir ! upon my word you don't want for con- fidence, but I hope you will do me the honour to con- sult me upon the occasion. Frisk. Oh, my dear, we'll have the parson's permis- sion : for the moment I knew you I determined to ofter you my heart. Har. Inscribed like a Tunbridffe Toy : " A Trifle of Esteem." Frisk. Pretty encouragement ! yet might I but pre- sume. 3t liar. Might you but presume ? what have you been doing all this time ? but were I inclined to return this extraordinary compliment to my understanding, there is an insurmountable objection ; you forget, sir, I am poor. Frisk. So am I ; and we shall match the better. Love and poverty, they say, don't agree ; but the love that flies out of the window at the sight of poverty, deserves to have the door shut in his face ; so if you can accept the heart of a poor eccentric fellow, who is, I hope, more fool than knave, there is my hand ; if you reject it, there's a pond in the yard, and a pear-tree in the garden, and if I am fished for in one, or pluck'd like a burgamy from the other, whose fault will it be ? Har. ( Half ironically .) If your case is so desperate it will require some consideration, and perhaps it is fortunate I am poor ; or really rather than break your heart, I might, perhaps, be induced to pay what am I saying? Good bye I must leave the place ; and if we should never meet again Frisk. Remember if you leave this place without me you'll break my heart, and (to an attorney's Clerk who enters as Harriet goes off on the opposite side} I've a great mind to break your head. Clerk. Then I should lay you by the heels. Is your name Paddock ? Enter PADDOCK. Paddock. That be my name. Clerk. (Giving a paper.) There. Paddock. Well, sir, what be this ? Clerk. A common subpoena duces tecum. Paddock. Deuce take 'em, common enough may- hap ; but it be all Greek gibberish to I. Clerk. 'Tis a notice to you to produce your lease in court, at the trial of the action of Thrustout on the demise of Wilton, versus Holdfast ; unless you wisely prefer letting judgment go by default. The deed won't hold water ! Paddock. Hold water ? Won't it hold the land for I? Clerk. 'Tis good for nothing. 32 Paddock. Why it be a shameful thing then : and what be I to do about it, sir ? Clerk. We are plaintiff's attorney and can't advise. Frisk. Now I can. Clerk. Well then, what would you advise ? Frisk. You to get out of this place, or I'll serve a writ of ejectment upon you. (Lifting up his foot.) Clerk. Sir, I'll clear the court without executing any further writ of enquiry. [Exit CLERK. Paddock. Why now you will be hasty, sir : the younsj man were but doing his duty, and he couldn't help it. Frisk. No more could I : my spleen rose, and my foot often rises with it ; but let us take a turn round the field together, and consider what is to be done ; I'm a bit of a lawyer myself, and you'll have my advice without a fee, and if it misleads you, its no more than the advice you pay for often does. [Exeunt. SCENE II. A Retired Landscape. Enter WILTON and DICK. Wilton. Now, Dick, you must get in conversation with this Harry, and decoy him to the back of the Manor-House, where Scorem will be waiting disguised like a black Dick. And your honour would make a black of me, too ? Wilton. What, sir? Dick. Why, look ye, sir, I an't used to the smug- gling sarvice ; in all proper duty till the cruise is over I'll obey, but I'll never disgrace the bluejacket I once wore by piracy. Wilton. You shall repent this. Dick. I should repent t'other I believe ; and if we can't mess together without squalls, I'm ready to strike the flag, unrig and take my discharge. 33 Wilton. Go back to the Manor-House and wait my pleasure. Dick. With all hearts; steady in the rigging, staunch at my gun ; but always steer clear of a lee shore, your honour. [Exit DICK. Wilton. This rascal will betray me, so I'll ship him off, to use his own phrase : the girl I'll have, and I am doubly determined to punish Paddock for protecting her. The cause relative to Paddock's lease comes on to day, Scorem's evidence ensures me success; then I'll turn Paddock out directly, and give the lease to him, because he's just such a convenient fellow as I want ; and faith I must lose no time while the power is in my hands ; for young Worthy, whom I never saw, prosecutes his cause against me so vigorously, to re- cover this ample estate, which has been so many years in our family ; that, such is the uncertainty of the law, I may not long be master of it. Yet Quibble's last letter assures me I'm safe, and do my eyes deceive me ? No here comes Harriet lucky opportunity ! [Retires. Enter HARRIET thoughtfully, with a Bundle. Har. Yes; I'm resolved, this night it shall be done : I must bid Frank adieu for ever for an hour in this place is an age of terror, lest Wilton should secure me. Wilton. (Seizing her.) Wilton has secured you: (she screams) and now, madam, with me you return. Har. For heaven's sake, sir, persecute me no longer ; I never will be yours. [Enter FRISK. Wilton. You know me too well to suppose this non- sense will avail. Frisk. Then, perhaps, this will ! (shewing his cane.) (To Harriet.) Return to Paddock's, and leave him to me. [Exit Harriet. Wilton. Rascal ! what do you mean ? Frisk. Excuse my rudeness ; but I've a strange com- plaint in this arm; a kind of something that always puts it in motion whenever I see a scoundrel ill treat a woman. 34 Wilton. This shall cost you dear. [Going off the way Harriet went. Frisk. ( Stopping him, and pointing to the other side.) No, your road lies that way ; the air of that field isn't good for your health. (Pointing the opposite way.) Wilton. Let me pass. Frisk. Now be advised. Wilton. Death and fury, sir ! if you was a gentleman I should know how to talk to you. Frisk. No you wouldn't ; it would require a gen- tleman to do that in one word, go that way, or I feel it coining (shaking the cane.) Walton. You shall answer for this, sir. [ Exit WILTON. Frisk. (Calling after him.) I shall always be ready. This was a lucky rencontre, but I must watch him, that he may not go round and meet her again. [Exit after WILTON. Enter NED. Ned. Hey-day ! I met my rival Harry running as if he were bewitched; he seemed unhappy I'm sorry for that, though he have stolen Janet's heart from me; for now I ha' recovered my own, and he may take her and welcome. I ha' done with the sedf? for since she be false-hearted, I don't think there be a true one amongst 'em. I shall never forget when I brought her a ribbon from the fair. SONG. NED. 1 went to the fair with a heart all so raerry, Sing hey down, ho down, derry down 'nm// who has the /< ( i>< in his hand.) Your lease', master Scorein, be not a long one. Datnc Pad. Mayhap he'd like to have it reneuecl. 1 1 a, ha, ha! 43 Enter DICK. Dick. So his honour has bilg'd at last. [FRISK and HARRIET talk apart. Paddock. (To Pros.) And pray, who be landlord now, sir? Pros. Francis Worthy, esquire, and there he is. [Pointing to FRISK. All amazed but DICK. Dick. Yes, yes, the false colours are hauled down, and the true blue hoisted. Paddock. Be that Mr. Worthy? I do humbly beg your honour's pardon for all the freedoms we have taken with one another, but we were all in the dark ; and Ignorance be excusable, as I say to my Spouse ; and A fool's tongue do run before his wit, as my Spouse do say to 1. Frisk. Freedoms? Why you made me free of the dining parlour, when old Trust to-morrow shut the door in my face. Scorem. I' insure if I'd known who your honour was Frisk. You would have told me of the clause in the lease ; you're a black sheep, and I mean to shear you. Scorem. Your honour won't turn me out? Frisk. But my honour will, I assure you. Scorem. Then that ('snapping his fingers ) for your honour-, stand out of the way. (Pushes against the Clerk, uho folloics him out.) Frisk. Now, friend Paddock, rest happy under your old roof: your rent shall be reduced ; Ned and Janet shall have the Barley Mow ; and Dick shall be brought into safe moorings in town. And now, Harriet, may / hope ? Dame Pad. Do'ee, Miss, bless'ee do'ee. //err. (To Frisk.) As you certainly are entitled to some consideration (starting and looking behind her, and affecting fright,; bless me ! I thought Wilton was there ! So, to make myself secure, and (to Frisk J to save you from the pond or the pear-tree, I fancy I must e'en consent (gir.es her hand.) Frisk. Say you so ? then all shall be Jubilee. 44 Paddock. And I wish you may be as happy as my Spouse and I. FINALE. Frisk. Guilt detected, worth rewarded, Still a care obscures our view. ( To Audience.) May approval be accorded F Sovereign lords, we bow to you. liar. What fears annoy The farmer's boy ! Ah, kindly smile them all away. Paddock. Your smiles when won, Shall be our sun, And we'll while sun shines make our hay. Dick. 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