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MY SPOUSE AND I 
 
 AN 
 
 OPERATICAL FARCE, 
 IN TWO ACTS. 
 
 BY C. DIBDIN, JUN. 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE FARMER'S WIFE, SfC. SfC. SfC. 6fC. 
 
 FIRST PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 C&eatre Bopai, SDriirg lane, 
 
 ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1815* 
 THE MUSIC COMPOSED BY MR. WHITAKER. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR WHITTIN GHAM AND ARLISS, 
 PATERNOSTER ROW. 
 
 1815. 
 
 Price Two Shillings. 
 
. ; 
 
 PrlBUd by WhUUngham and Rowland, Goswell Street, London. 
 
THIS PIECE 
 
 IS MOST RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED 
 
 TO 
 
 THE HONOURABLE GEORGE LAMB, 
 
 WHOSE JUDICIOUS ADVICE 
 
 WAS OF ESSENTIAL SERVICE TO 
 
 HIS MOST OBEDIENT 
 
 AND OBLIGED SERVANT, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 December 11, 1815. 
 
 829174 
 
MY Spouse and I, cordially thanking all whose 
 talents and exertions introduced this trifle to 
 Public favour, beg leave respectfully to ac- 
 knowledge the gentlemanly attention of the 
 Noblemen and Gentlemen composing the Sub- 
 Committee. More might be said, but " Many 
 words won't fill a bushel" as I say to my 
 Spouse ; and " Least said's soonest mended" as 
 my Spouse do say to I. 
 
 SADLER'S WELLS, 
 Dec. 11, 1815. 
 
10 
 
 DAME PADDOCK (entering from the farm house.) 
 
 And Hopper's wife be i' the right ; 
 
 If lazy hinds like you appear, 
 The corn will ne'er be cut to-night 
 
 PADDOCK (entering from the field.} 
 Not if you keep 'em loitering here. 
 The sun has beam'd an hour or more : 
 To work, and prate when labour's o'er. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Master and Dame, we'll haste away, 
 
 And labour kindly all the day ; 
 And when our toil is o'er regale 
 
 And drink your health in Scorem's ale. 
 
 [Exeunt all but Paddock and Scorem. 
 
 Scorem. Are you for a drop of my best home brewed 
 this morning; master Paddock? 
 
 Paddock. They who do drink in a morning, neigh- 
 bour Scorem, do generally get the head-ach by noon, 
 and the heart-ach by night ; and they be two trouble- 
 some companions. A clear head be the next thing to a 
 clear conscience. 
 
 Scorem. (Ironically.) And you have both, they say. 
 
 Paddock. Why as to that, my conscience, thank hea- 
 ven, be like my crop, pretty fairish ; and Though my 
 head be thick, as I say to my Spouse, There be nothing 
 in that, as my Spouse do say to I. 
 
 Scorem. Your spouse is a very sensible woman; but, 
 by the bye, the whole village is curious to know who 
 that stripling is you have lately hired; who, with his 
 pretty looks and smart clothes has turned the heads of 
 half the girls in the place. 
 
 Paddock. Poor lad, he do seem to have known better 
 days; he came to us a child of misfortune, and he be 
 no Christian who do refuse to receive the wandering 
 stranger. 
 
 Scorem. True, master Paddock, and though I keep 
 an alehouse, and some people are wicked enough to 
 say I chalk double, my door is open to every stranger. 
 
11 
 
 Enter FRISK shabbily genteel. 
 
 Frisk. I'm glad to hear it. I am a stranger, and 
 want to walk in. 
 
 Scorem. Welcome, sir, to the Barley Mo w, that's the 
 house ; there's the sign and under it, " Pay to-day 
 trust to-morrow." (Aside.) A broad hint; he seems 
 as poor as Job. 
 
 Frisk. Trust to-morrow? couldn't you make it 
 to-day ? there's an inconvenience in waiting. 
 
 [Discovering to the audience that his pockets are empty. 
 
 Scorem. That's my reason for not trusting. 
 
 Frisk. Didn't you say your door was open to the 
 stranger ? 
 
 Scorem. Aye, that could pay his reckoning coming, 
 coming ! 
 
 [Runs in to the Barley Mow, and closes the door 
 in Frisk's face. 
 
 Frisk. (To Paddock.) A pretty fellow to insult a 
 gentleman in distress. I'll expose him in the County 
 Chronicle as a warning to hungry travellers, whose 
 stomachs and purses are in unison. I'll give him his 
 true character; you can give me a hint, and I'll make 
 bad worse by improving on it. 
 
 Paddock. Why, as to that, I mtm beg to be excused ; 
 he who do pick a hole in his neighbour's coat de- 
 serves to live in a house without a neighbourhood. 
 
 Frisk. Give me your hand, I should like to be better 
 acquainted with you. Feeling in a flail, and senti- 
 ment in a smock frock ! Your haystack is no relation 
 to the Barley Mow why you'd make a famous cha- 
 racter in a novel. 
 
 Paddock. A novel ! What may that be, sir ? 
 
 Frisk. Don't you know what a novel is ? one vil- 
 lage in the kingdom without a circulating library 
 then there are hopes. A novel is a book, whose title 
 is new, and contents generally old the hero, a queer 
 good for nothing, well meaning, comical fellow, though 
 tolerably engaginsjlike me; the heroine, a pretty, lan- 
 guishing, silly girl^ like most of her female readers ; 
 her guardian, a crusty, hard-hearted, pay to-day and 
 
12 
 
 trust to-morrow, like that fellow. (Pointing to the 
 alehouse.} Her aunt, an antiquated, teazing, obstinate 
 quiz, like that. [Pointing to Dame Paddockwho enters. 
 Dame Pad. Quiz, what dost mean? and why dost 
 stand talking with that Jack-a-dandy, Paddock, when 
 there be so much to do in the field ? 
 
 PtiddocJc. Dame, dame, doantee be cantankerous 
 this gentleman 
 
 Dame Pad. Gentleman, quotha ? ha, ha, ha ! If 
 thee want'st a hand in the field, I dare say the gentle- 
 man will be very glad to make himself useful. Ha, 
 ha, ha ! 
 
 Paddock. Nay, nay, how canst thou expect a gen- 
 tleman to make himself useful ? 
 
 Dame Pad. Well, well, I can't stay talking non- 
 sense; thee ought to make haste to the reapers, and 
 if thee hast any thing to say to the gentleman, bid him 
 call another time. [Going. 
 
 Frisk. The nearer dinner time the better. 
 Paddock. That be just the time I were thinking, 
 (aside, and earnestly -to Dame Paddock.) Wife, wife, 
 he do want a dinner. 
 
 Dame Pad. (Returning.) What ! want a dinner ? 
 pray sir, walk in ; and do'ee take a luncheon to stay 
 thee till dinner be ready ; and Paddock, do'ee draw a 
 jug o' the best, that the gentleman may give his opinion 
 of my brewing : luncheon shall be ready directly, sir. 
 Make haste, Paddock, make haste. [Goes into the house. 
 Paddock. I wool, dame ; and it shall be a jug o'the 
 best. ( Aside.) I wish neighbour Scorem knew 
 what pleasure there be in sometimes drawing ale for 
 nothing. {Goes in. 
 
 Frisk. Here's primitive hospitality! A novel writer 
 would describe it somehow tnus : " Arrived half fa- 
 mished, with a ftill heart and empty pocket, at a pic- 
 turesque farm house, beautifully o'erspread with 
 woodbines." (Looking at it.) I see nothing but 
 stinging nettles ; and now shall I get over that pig 
 stye? Turn it into a dog kennel, and introduce a 
 beautiful apostrophe to the virtues of honest Tray. 
 " Honest Tray, partaking of the character of his mas- 
 ter, the very picture of patriarchal hospitality, wel- 
 comed by his caresses the hapless wanderer. When 
 
13 
 
 the farmer's wife, a pretty, modest looking woman, 
 with half a dozen cnrly-pated cherubs about her, came 
 out ; and addressing him in the soft accents of unso- 
 phisticated humanity, said 
 
 Enter ROGER. 
 
 Roger. What d'ye do here, you vagabond ? after the 
 pigs and poultry, I suppose. 
 
 Frisk. My dear fellow, you mistake your man. 
 
 Roger. No, I doant ; it's easy to see what you be, 
 mon, a common vagram, but if you don't go off my 
 measter's premises, I'll make you. 
 
 Frisk. My good sir, I give you credit 
 
 Roger. That's more than you'll get yourself. 
 
 Frisk. A word with you ; you belong to that house ? 
 
 Roger. What if I do? 
 
 Frisk. I dine there to day. 
 
 Roger. Had'nt you better stay till you're axed ? 
 
 Frisk. That ceremony's past. Jug of the best ; fine 
 luncheon : Don't you hear the eggs and bacon frying, 
 you rogue you ? I am off and let me give you a 
 little parting advice. If you wish to support the cha- 
 racter of an Englishman, whenever you meet a hungry 
 stranger, always address him with 
 
 Paddock. (Entering.) The luncheon be ready, sir. 
 
 Frisk. (To Roger. ) Did'nt I tell you so ? (to Pad- 
 dock.) Thankye, thankye; I'll do it justice! and as 
 eating heartily is the best way of returning a hearty 
 welcome, you shall find me as grateful as appetite can 
 make me. [Goes in. 
 
 Paddock. Why, Roger, have you been saying any 
 thing rude to that young man ? he be a gentleman in 
 distress, I dare say ; though a queer plain spoken chap 
 as I ever seed : but Plain and above-board be best, as 
 I say to my Spouse ; and Rough and ugly munnat be 
 despised, as my Spouse do say to I. 
 
 Roger. I were protecting your property : I thought 
 un a poacher ; however, as matters have turned out, 
 I'll go ax un pardon ; for when a man finds he's wrong, 
 let un own it like a man, I say. [Goes into the house. 
 
14 
 
 Paddock. Well, I be happy I chanced to light upon 
 that poor hungry gentleman ; it do make one eat one's 
 dinner so heartily when the cheerful face 'of a poor 
 guest be the sauce to it. There be many sweet and 
 cheering enjoyments, but while they please for a time 
 only, the smile of gratitude gives to him who raises it, 
 pleasure for ever. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 A Room in Paddock* s House. Table and Chair. 
 Enter DAME PADDOCK and JANET. 
 
 Dame Pad. I declare, Janet, you are always idle, 
 and mind nothing but singing nonsensical love bal- 
 lads 
 
 Janet. It is no use, mistress, scolding and scolding 
 till a poor girl doesn't know what hur is about; look 
 you. 
 
 Dame Pad. Heyday ! Since this lad Harry came, 
 your poor Welch head runs so upon him, that you 
 have proved false hearted to poor Ned, our shepherd ; 
 fie ! fie ! Janet. 
 
 Janet. Oh yes, it is fery proper, fie, fieing indeed, 
 but hur can't help having affections and partialities for 
 Harry, any more than Ned can help loving hurself ; 
 and so they may pripple and may prapple about false- 
 heartedness, but, after all, as the ballad goes, till pru- 
 dence says yes. A poor girl should always say no. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 Love, little blind urchin, went strolling one day. 
 
 And madrigals chaunted so pretty; 
 While ballads he sold as he went on his way, 
 
 With Valentine verses so witty ; 
 
 Love's burthen was " Maids, ne'er away your hearts throw . 
 Till Prudence prompts yes, always answer, O wo/' 
 
15 
 
 Love, little false urchin, advice didn't spare, 
 
 Yet his arrows at random he shot 'em ; 
 And a dart aim'd at Prudence, who chanc'd to be there, 
 
 But thus wounded, their hearts she forgot 'ein. 
 Left by Prudence the maids turn'd out silly, and so 
 They often said yes, when they should have said no. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Dame Pad. Poor simple wench. Heyday ! here 
 comes Harry from the market town already. On my 
 word he has made rare haste. He certainly is a pretty 
 lad, and I don't wonder that all the girls be in love with 
 him. 
 
 Enter HARRIET (in Boy's Clothes) with a Basket on 
 her shoulder which she throws on the table and seems 
 out of breath. 
 
 Dame Pad. Back already ? thee must have flown. 
 
 Har. On the wings of gratitude then; it would 
 be wonderful if my heels were heavy when your kind- 
 ness has made my heart so light ! 
 
 Dame Pad. Well, well, sit thee down and rest abit : 
 thy limbs were not made for labour I warrant ; but 
 come, now here are no listners, tell me, what is it 
 that makes thee go moping about so, and then so 
 merry by turns ? 
 
 Har. Why really I am unhappy (in a careless 
 way.) 
 
 Dame Pad. Then you have always a very pleasant 
 way of showing it. 
 
 Har. Why, dear me, would you have me make 
 every body miserable because I am so ? I always put the 
 best side outwards ; and when I am sad, rattle away to 
 conceal the fulness of my heart through the emptiness 
 of my head. (Aside.) I'll tell her I'm a woman at 
 once, that I may have somebody to put confidence in. 
 Ah ! my dear, dear Mrs. Paddock, I have such a story 
 to tell you : I may trust you, (Archly) I think you 
 wont betray me. 
 
 Dame Pad. Betray thee ? me betray thee ? 
 
 Har. Dont look grave now, as if you was angry ; 
 
16 
 
 and you know I love you too well to make you angry. 
 (Chuckingher coaxingly under the Chin) 
 
 Dame JPad. Bless me, what's the matter with the 
 boy ? 
 
 Har. Now I'll fasten the door that no one may 
 intrude. (Runs to the door.) 
 
 Dame Pad. Heyday, what does he mean ! (Alarmed} 
 Harry ; why, why ! 
 
 Har. (Archly.) You're not afraid of me, are you ? 
 ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Dame Pad. I protest I don't know what to make 
 of you: but unlock the door, or I wont listen to a 
 word. Suppose my good man suppose bless me 
 I'm all in a flurry. 
 
 Har. A flurry? ha! ha! ha! (Unlocks the door.) 
 There, now your alarm's over, I hope ! and now for 
 my story: do you know, for all my swaggering, I'm 
 afraid of every body ; and though you think me all 
 simplicity, I, I deceived you. 
 
 Dame Pad. Deceived me ! (with anger) the little 
 villain ! that was the very thing I was afraid of. 
 
 Har. Now do look grave again; but truth must 
 out now, and you wont be angry when you know the 
 cause. I am not wjiat I seem. 
 
 Dame Pad. That's plain enough : thee art too well 
 spoken for a common body. 
 
 Har. You misconceive me ; I am, I am 
 
 Dame Pad. What the geminis art thee ? art a va- 
 grant ? 
 
 Har. No. 
 
 Dame Pad. A deserter ? 
 
 Har. No, No. 
 
 Dame Pad. Art thee good for any thing ? 
 
 Har. Oh ! no, no ! 
 
 Dame Pad. In short, art thee an honest man ? 
 
 Har. No. 
 
 Dame Pad. No ? 
 
 Har. I am a woman ! 
 
 Dame Pad. A woman ! mercy on us ; thee hasn't 
 been telling thy story to my husband, hast thee ? 
 
 Har. No, no ; and if I had you wouldn't fear a 
 poor silly girl. 
 
17 
 
 Dame Pad. Ha ! ha ! ha ! But come, tell thy story. 
 
 Har. Left a poor orphan, and persecuted by the 
 dishonourable addresses of a rich guardian ; I left 
 London in this dress : and when the little money I had 
 was expended, reached this spot : you know the rest 
 your generosity 
 
 Dame Pad. (Wiping her eyes.) Psha ! Generosity! 
 say no more about it ; but ha ! ha ! ha ! I can't help 
 laughing how thee wilt disappoint all the village lasses, 
 who be light-headed and heavy hearted about thee. 
 
 Paddock. (Without.) Dame! 
 
 Dame Pad. My good man do call ; I'll come to 
 thee again, but I were all in a twitteration ; for the 
 door locked by a smart lad were enough to alarm a 
 likely body, as I am, ha, ha, ha ! [ Exit laughing. 
 
 Har. Now, in case of discovery, I am certain of 
 protection here : perhaps my persecutor may follow 
 me no longer; what happiness can he hope for? I 
 never will be his, and should he again get me in hig 
 power, the breaking my heart would foil all his hopes. 
 Pleasure is his pursuit, a phantom for ever eluding its 
 follower, and which, when secured, ceases to exist. 
 
 BALLAD. HARRY. 
 
 A little boy espied 
 
 A butterfly one day ; 
 To catch the prize he tried ; 
 
 The insect got away. 
 From flower to flower it flew 
 
 The hunter to elude ; 
 He more impatient grew 
 
 The longer lie pursued. 
 Pursuing pleasure if you try, 
 'Tis to chase the butterfly. 
 
 The little eager boy 
 The trifler followed up, 
 
 Who buried, to his joy, 
 Within a tulip's cup. 
 
The boy with all his power 
 
 To seize the tulip flew, 
 His ardour crush'd the flower, 
 
 And kuTd the insect too. 
 Securing pleasure if you try, 
 Tis to kill the butterfly. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 Another Room. 
 FRISK and PADDOCK discovered eating, Sfc. 
 
 Frisk. Your health. Master Paddock; you see I'm 
 quite free and easy. 
 
 Paddock. Well, that be what I like, (looking toward 
 the window) I declare there's my landlord, 'Squire 
 Wilton, from Lunnun. Well, we mun be civil to un; 
 though he be trying to break my lease, and turn me 
 out of doors, 'cause I don't let his hares and pheasants 
 eat all my corn. The cause be to be tried to-day, and 
 no doubt he be come on purpose about it. However, 
 Never show your teeth till you can bite ; as I say to 
 my Spouse ; And one, mun sometimes hold a candle to 
 the devil; as my Spouse do say to I. (Goes out.) 
 
 Frisk. (Drinking.) Your health in your absence, 
 my honest fellow ; never was better ale, nor warmer 
 welcome. But didn't he say 'Squire Wilton ? Ho ! ho ! 
 I'd rather not meet him ; though he don't know me 
 and in fact, I only know him by name. 
 
 Re-enter PADDOCK bowing, ushering in WILTON. 
 DAME PADDOCK entering at another Door. 
 
 Wilton. Well, Paddock 
 
 Paddock. The rent be ready, sir; I'll fetch un 
 directly. 
 
19 
 
 Wilton. No such haste ; my steward will settle that; 
 I merely call'd with a how d'ye do, having come down 
 on a shooting excursion. 
 
 Frisk. Good opportunity, sir ; fine weather; harvest 
 nearly in, plenty of game, and 
 
 Wilton. (Haughtily.) Sir? 
 
 Frisk. (Aside.} Booby in buckskin ; must quiz him. 
 
 Dame Paddock. Will your honour please to take a 
 snack this morning ? 
 
 Frisk. Good incentive to appetite here, sir ; charm- 
 ing chops ; capital cutlets ; beautiful bacon ; and 
 admirable ale. 
 
 Wilton. Sir ! (sternly) as I have no knowledge of 
 you 
 
 Frisk. That impediment shall be removed imme- 
 diately, sir ; I am Frank Frisk, at your service ; a rat- 
 tle-brained run-away fellow ; not quite so forlorn as I 
 look, nor so empty as you may suppose. 
 
 Paddock. (Aside to Frisk.} Dang it now, sir, don't 
 make so free with his honour ; he may think it not 
 pretty behaved, under favour. 
 
 Frisk. My good Paddock, you have entertained me 
 too nobly for me to affront your friends. (To Wilton.) 
 Beg pardon, sir ; hope my nonsense will make no dif- 
 ference between you and your worthy tenant. I'm a 
 good shot, and shall be proud to accompany you, in 
 capacity of a trudge, if most agreeable start covey 
 pop partridge hamper hare beat bush bag game 
 shoot flying or any other possible accommodation in 
 my power. 
 
 Wilton. I have my people to attend me, sir (to 
 PADDOCK aside) Show that man the door, Paddock. 
 
 Paddock. Why I be main proud to see your honour 
 to be sure ; because it be a bit of a condescension ; 
 and I hope the gentleman will beg pardon, or so ; but 
 as I have axed un to my house, it be not good manners 
 to turn un out. 
 
 Wilton. Very well, sir, his friendship is probably of 
 more consequence than mine. 
 
 Dame Pad. (Aside to PADDOCK.^ Friendship ? 
 Hey ! What ? Pay rent ask no favour ; if thee turn'st 
 out a poor man to please a rich one, thee hast none of 
 the blood of the Paddocks in thee, that's all. 
 
 [Exit angrily making a half curtsy to WILTON. 
 
20 
 
 Wilton. (Haughtily.) Good day, Mr. Paddock, the 
 goodness of your lease is to be tried to-day, and I 
 shall remember this. [Exit WILTON. 
 
 Paddock. Your servant, sir rent be ready when 
 steward do call, sir. (Calling after him.) Master Frisk, 
 thee be'st a comical gentleman, but I do think thee an 
 honest one, and while thee stayest in this village, Pad- 
 dock's door be always open to thee; but it be'nt wise 
 to affront squire; for, it be Dangerous meddling wt 
 edge tools, as 1 say to my Spouse ; and There's no 
 making honey from a crab apple, as my Spouse do say 
 to I. 
 
 Frisk. My dear friend, I have made a breach here, 
 which may operate to your disadvantage; I'll follow, 
 and when I've made it up, I'll look in again. 
 
 Paddock. At dinner time, and welcome. 
 
 Frisk. Thank ye, thank ye. [Exit FRISK. 
 
 Paddock. Squire may be angry; but my lease be 
 firm and good for all his law, and I do pay my rent 
 to the day ; so while I do treat un with proper civility, 
 that for his anger. (Snapping his fingers.) He be I 
 know but a half witted one, and Empty vessels make 
 the greatest sound as I say to my Spouse ; and, A 
 fooVs bolt be soon shot as my Spouse do say to I. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 SCENE IV. Fields. 
 
 Enter WILTON with a Gun, and DICK in a Livery, but 
 with something in his Dress denoting the Sailor. 
 
 Wilton. Well, Dick, did you see any birds? 
 
 Dick. Not a sail, your worship. 
 
 Wilton. Leave off your salt water slang, sir. 
 
 Dick. Won't ship another sea, your worship. 
 
 Wilton. Pshaw ; Look out, look out ! 
 
 Dick. Crowd sail directly, your worship. 
 
 [Exit DICK. 
 
 Wilton. I'm heartily tired of this fellow ; I wish 1 
 had'nt taken him ; but 'tis only till his brother re- 
 covers. Hey! Dido! Dido; (Whistles.) Where has 
 
21 
 
 ip 
 
 the dog got to? I miss'd her in the last field. I hope 
 she'll not be snapp'd up. I wouldn't lose her for a 
 hundred. 
 
 SONG. WILTON. 
 
 When the grey morning breaks 
 O'er the dew-powder'd soil; 
 When his way the hind takes, 
 
 Light of heart, to his toil; 
 I rise, ere the sun 
 
 Darts his beams, health to court ; 
 Call my dog, load my gun, 
 
 And away to the sport. 
 
 Creep slow through the stubble, the covey are met ; 
 Toho ! Dido ! good dog she has 'em they're set- 
 I mark 'em they rise bang ! one's fated to die, 
 I bag it, and onward trot Dido and I. 
 
 Thus brace after brace, 
 
 For my aim's pretty true, 
 I bag in a space 
 
 That few sportsmen can do. 
 With appetite keen 
 
 To my box then I go, 
 While the charms of the scene 
 
 Set my heart in a glow. 
 
 But hold in the stubble hey Dido stops short 
 Toho ! Dido good dog she points to the sport 
 I mark 'em they rise bang ! another must die 
 1 bag it, and homeward trot Dido and I. 
 
 Re-enter DICK. 
 Dick. Not a sail in the offing, your worship. 
 
 Enter HARRIET, looking another way. 
 
 Wilton. (To Henry.) Hark ye, my lad, have you 
 seen any birds ? 
 
 Harl Yes, sir, I saw. (Aside.) Heavens ! my per- 
 secutor! [Runs off. 
 
22 
 
 x Wilton. Dick, did you see that face ? 
 
 Dick. Tacked too soon, your honour. 
 
 Wilton. Pshaw! run after that lad directly, and 
 find out where he lives run 
 
 Dick. Ten knots an hour, your honour. 
 
 [DicK runs off. 
 
 Wilton. I am egregiously deceived, or that is Har- 
 riet Greville in disguise ; I cannot mistake a face that 
 has made such an impression on my heart : and running 
 away the moment I spoke confirms my suspicion. 
 But how got she here ? 
 
 Enter SCOREM. FRISK enters behind, and listens. 
 
 Scorem. Happy to see your honour in these parts. 
 
 Wilton. Thank ye. Pray, who is that lad that pass- 
 ed you just now ? 
 
 Scorem. A wanderer who came to the village, and 
 was taken in by Paddock ; and I dare say he'll take 
 him in in return : for my part, I don't know what use 
 he can be to him ; he seems more like a girl than a 
 boy. But Paddock is but a~poor foolish fellow. 
 
 Wilton. Yes, he insulted me this morning : but he 
 shall repent it before I leave the country. 
 
 Frisk. (Aside.) Indeed ! 
 
 Scorem. (Aside.) Ho ! Ho ! The wind sits in that 
 quarter, does it? I'm sure he ought to pay every re- 
 spect to your honour, when his farm is so much under 
 let, and a long lease too. 
 
 Wilton. His lease, I hope, will be set aside to-day ; 
 however, if not, I will never give him another. 
 
 Scorem. (Aside.) A lucky moment ! now for a 
 clincher. 
 
 Frisk. (Aside.) If you don't get a clincher some 
 day ; somebody won't get his due, that's all. 
 
 Scorem. 'Tis no business of mine to be sure ; but I 
 would give one third more rent for the farm, and if I 
 could assist vour honour in gaining your cause and 
 getting rid of the lease 
 
 Wilton. If you can, you shall have the new one. 
 
23 
 
 Scorem. A bargain : I've seen his lease. He en- 
 gages to keep on the farm never less than one hundred 
 sheep at a time. 
 
 Wilton. Well ? 
 
 Scorem. Now to ray knowledge, for the last twelve 
 months, there haven't been more than fifty on it. 
 
 Wilton. Indeed ! That will make the lease void and 
 gain the cause ; prove it, and the new lease shall be 
 yours. Meet me at the Manor House this evening. 
 
 Scorem. I will, your honour. I'l prove it I'll take 
 my own oath. 
 
 Walton. Will you, my honest fellow ? 
 
 Scorem. Yes, to any thing. 
 
 Frisk. (Aside.) I don't doubt it. 
 
 Scorem. I won't fail, your honour ; (aside} I've 
 nail'd it. [Exit. 
 
 Frisk. (Aside.) Yes; but the clincher's to come 
 yet ; and I must have a hand in that. 
 
 Re-enter DICK. 
 
 Dick. Couldn't get the weather-gage of him, your 
 honour ; so hauled in, tacked about, and 
 
 Wilton. Follow me. [Exit Wilton. 
 
 Dick. Another squall he grows so cranky and 
 yawish, there's no bearing him ; however, I'm rated 
 for the present cruise, but when we return to port, I'll 
 strike the yellow admiral's flag here, (pointing to the 
 cuffs of his coat, which are yellow,) and sail under the 
 true blue a^ain. 
 
 Frisk. (Coming forward.} Why, Dick ! 
 
 Dick. Bless me, your honour, how glad I am to hail 
 you once more : only cruise here a few glasses, and I'll 
 heave in your wake again. But Bosen has piped, and 
 I must obey orders. [Exit Dick. 
 
 Frisk. Meeting Dick's apropos. He must assist me 
 to foil this publican : so, as he is to return, I'll sit 
 down here, and ruminate like a half starved Peripa- 
 tetic. [Sits down half concealed by a bush. 
 
-24 
 
 Enter JANET. 
 
 Janet. Oh, dearest me ! it is creat criefs and dis- 
 tresses, look you, that this Harry was ever come to 
 the place : he has made sad work with hur poor 
 heart. 
 
 Enter NED, whistling, twirling a sticky and appearing 
 not to see JANET. 
 
 Janet. (Aside. ) Well, I'm sure what disdains and 
 indifferencies ! But though hur doesn't care for him ; 
 hur will make him feel for his want of manners ; look 
 you. Ned ! 
 
 Ned. (Sulkily, and only half-turning.) Well? 
 
 Janet. Hur is going to the fair next week. 
 
 Ned. May be so. 
 
 Janet . And who d'ye think is going with hur ? 
 
 Ned. I don't care. 
 
 Janet. Harry. 
 
 Ned. What's it to I ? what dost tease I for ? 
 
 [Going, Sfc. 
 
 [As Ned goes, he meets Harriet, who has a cane, 
 and pushes against him rudely. 
 
 Har. Very civil, Mr. Ned ; the road's wide 
 enough. 
 
 Ned. I shall walk upon what part of it I please, 
 Mr. Harry (flourishing his stick. ) 
 
 Har. And* so shall \, Mr. Ned ; (flourishing her 
 cane.) 
 
 Ned. Broo ! (going to her in a threatening manner.) 
 
 Har. And broo ! again! if you go to that. 
 
 Janet. (To Ned. ) You're a good-for-nothing ill- 
 manner'dly fellow. Look you. 
 
 Ned. And you are a good-for-nothing girl, look you. 
 (Mocking her,) I care as little for thee, as for he; 
 and ifhe gives me any of his airs, I'll (flourishing his 
 stick.) 
 
 Janet. Do touch him : and hur will claw your 
 knave's sconce well, so hur will. 
 
 Har. Pray good folks, don't quarrel on my ac- 
 
25 
 
 count. You may flounce, sir, and look bluff, and 
 fancy I'm not as much of a man as yourself, sir; but 
 I'd have you to know, sir, that I've vanquish'd a better 
 man than you before now, sir. 
 
 Janet. Ned, why don't hur go to hur work, and not 
 affront hur betters, look you ? 
 
 Ned. My betters indeed a poor vagrant, for 
 aught I know I've a great mind to (going towards 
 Harriet.; 
 
 Janet Aye, touch him if you dare ! (getting between 
 them.) 
 
 Har. (Aside.) Let her keep to that, and I may 
 bluster in safety. I'm half afraid alreadyyou'd 
 better be quiet, sir. 
 
 Ned. Aye, you may swagger, but you don't rob me 
 of my sweetheart so easily. 
 
 Har. Me rob you of your sweetheart? Bless the 
 boy ! I've no inclination to rob you of your sweet- 
 heart ; and indeed if I had, I could hardly suppose 
 that she, who had been false to another, would be true 
 to me. 
 
 Janet. It is ferry fitting and proper, look you, hur 
 should be affronted, and set at nought, for putting 
 hurself in the power of nobody knows who, and no- 
 body cares who neither, (agitated,) and if hur was 
 Ned, hur would preak hur coxcomb's head, so hur 
 would. 
 
 Ned. And if you tell me, I'll do it in a minute. 
 
 (ffed advances angrily towards Harriet.) 
 
 Janet. (Alarmed for Harriet.) if you lay a finger on 
 him, hur will never forgive you ; look you. 
 
 TRIO. HARRIET, NED, JANET. 
 
 x 
 
 Har. Pray, don't quarrel for me. 
 Ned. Give up all thinking of she, 
 
 Or worse for you it shall be, 
 
 And I'll do it, tho' Janet it lose me. 
 
 [Holding up his stick, 
 Jane. Keep hur distance from Harry. 
 Ned* His point he shan't carry. 
 
26 
 
 liar. Good day (going) 
 Janet. Pray now, tarry 
 To spite him ; 
 
 Har. Nay, prythee excuse me. 
 
 [She pulls Harriet back. 
 
 Janet, (to Ned) You are a coxcomb ! a knave ! 
 Ned. (to Janet) None of your airs I'll have ; 
 I don't care for you that. 
 
 [Snapping his fingers. 
 Har. What are you both at ? 
 
 I'll ne'er rival you tho' you abuse me. (to Ned.) 
 Ned. 1 don't care if you do. 
 And pray who are you? 
 
 If you cross me again 
 
 Janet. If he does, sir, what then ? 
 Ned. Let him stay and you'll see. 
 Janet. Oh, never mind he (to Harriet) 
 
 Stay and brave him ; 
 Har. Nay, prythee excuse me. 
 
 Har. Now, Janet, consider ; with Ned you are joking ; 
 
 To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. 
 Janet. Hur don't care for Ned, and sure Harry is joking ; 
 
 To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. 
 AW. A false-hearted girl ! but I won't stand his joking ; 
 To play at cross-purposes thus is provoking. 
 [Exeunt Janet ajttr Harriet, Ned opposite side. 
 
 Frisk. ( Coming forward.) A pretty picture of rural 
 simplicity. 
 
 Enter DICK. 
 
 So, Dick, you're returned. 
 
 Dick. Yes, I've slipped cable and so your honour 
 is cruisingunder false colours ? 
 
 Frisk. Don't you blab, Dick ; but you seem under 
 false colours too. 
 
 Dick. After a long voyage, I'd a mind to have a bit 
 of a land cruise, by way of change : so my brother 
 Jack, who was the squire's foremast-man, being on the 
 doctor's list, I volunteered into the service for him; 
 and here I am, cox'en of the Cockatoo cruiser. 
 
 Frisk. Commanded by Captain Strutt. Now, Dick, 
 jou can do me a service. 
 
27 
 
 Dick. Can I ? Was'nt I your honour's foster bro- 
 ther ? and won't I go through fire, wind, and water, 
 for you ? 
 
 Frisk. You're an honest fellow, Dick ; and now for 
 the service I want performed. Scorem, of the Barley 
 Mow, an empty, hollow-hearted tap-tub, is going to 
 rob a worthy farmer here of his lease ; your master 
 is hi* landlord, and you must manage 
 
 Dick. To rake Scorem, and bring the farmer out of 
 the enemy's wake. 
 
 Frisk. But here they come, and with them a lad ; 
 no, he has turned down the other path. 
 
 Dick, (Looking out.) That's the lad whose latitude 
 my master ordered me to find ; the squire thinks he's 
 a girl that he is in chase of: and so, mayhap, you can 
 lend me*a hand to put Squire abaft the binnacle too. 
 
 Frisk. A Girl ! So, so : an adventure ! 
 
 [The?/ retire. 
 
 Enter PADDOCK and SCOREM. 
 
 Scorem. Why, really friend Paddock, the squire's a 
 queer fellow ; and I wouldn't give into his vagaries : 
 what have you to fear ? 
 
 Frisk. (Coming forward.} A snake in the grass. 
 
 Scorem. What do you mean ? 
 
 Frisk. To scotch the snake. 
 
 Paddock, (to Frisk.) Why, you be rather too hasty 
 and interfering like ! it don't become thee, under fa- 
 vour. 
 
 Frisk. It's a way I have whenever I meet either a 
 fool or a knave. 
 
 Scorem. One of which I suppose I am ? 
 
 Frisk. No : not one ! both. 
 
 Scorem. You are an impertinent fellow ! Come 
 along, neighbour Paddock. 
 
 Frisk. Friend Paddock, he's a black sheep; you 
 haven't one like him among all the jifty you keep 
 on your farm. 
 
 Scorem. (Aside.) Fifty ! he knows more than he 
 should. I'll go to the manor house directly. Well, 
 Paddock, if you mean to stop, I must go. 
 
 [As Scorem goes off, Paddock is following ; Frisk 
 stops him. 
 
28 
 
 Frisk. Beware of that fellow ; he's as false as his 
 own measure. He's after mischief. 
 
 Paddock. You be an odd kind of gentleman Neigh- 
 bour Scorem 
 
 Frisk. Is like his chalk, double. But where's the 
 lad? 
 
 Dick. He pushed off the moment he saw you. 
 
 Paddock. Aye, that be a fine lad ; and have gone 
 through a power of misfortunes : and she told my 
 dame 
 
 Frisk. She! 
 
 Paddock. (Confused.) Odd rot'un, did I say she ? 
 
 Frisk. Come, come it is a girl ; and a plan is on 
 foot to do both you and her mischief. Old Barley 
 Mow is at the bottom : but he shall have his score 
 properly paid off. 
 
 Enter NED. 
 
 Ned. Dinner be ready, master. 
 
 Paddock. Well, I'll just tell the reapers to strike, 
 and then join you. [Exit PADDOCK. 
 
 Frisk. Then we'll digest our business and the beef- 
 steaks, at the same time. 
 
 Enter REAPERS from the Field, who join in the Finale. 
 
 FINALE 
 
 We'll hold a cabinet council 
 
 O'er a beef-steak and brown ale ; 
 And that's a foundation for argument 
 
 Too substantial to fail. 
 
 A bumper we'll fill to the honest man, 
 
 We'll toast him again and again ; 
 And Confusion we'll drink to ev'ry rogue's plan, 
 
 And pledge it like able men. 
 
 With a hob-nob, and a merry go round, 
 
 And we'll pull in ere reason fail ; 
 For the stoutest man in the kingdom found 
 
 Must knock under to humming ale. 
 
 END OF ACT I. 
 
21) 
 
 ACT II. SCENE I. 
 
 Paddock's Parlour. 
 PADDOCK, DAME PADDOCK, FRISK, and HARRY. 
 
 Paddock. BUT art sure (to Frisk) thee art right ? 
 It be bad to take away a man's good name. 
 
 Dame Pad. Good name, quotha ? Scorem's good 
 name be like his good ale ; bad is the best on't. 
 
 Frisk. That he said so, I have two good witnesses, 
 my ears; that he'll do so, I've a certain proof in his 
 heart ; and that he'll be foiled, I've a pretty good pre- 
 sentiment in my own : so cast off care, get in your 
 corn, and I promise you the jolliest harvest-home you 
 have had since you was a farmer. 
 
 Paddock. Thee speak'st as thee wishest ; thy heart 
 be good, as I say to my Spouse, but thy head goes a 
 wool-gathering, as my Spouse do say to I. 
 Frisk. It will produce a Golden Fleece, then. 
 Paddock. I wish it may prove so ; however t'cause 
 ben't tried yet, law's unsartain, and I always think the 
 two tails of a counsellor's wig be like Plaintiff and 
 Defendant, their only dependance be t' lawyer's head. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Dame Pad. He do seem rather narvousome ; and if 
 his kind heart do sink, mine will be too sorrowful to 
 keep it up. (Exit crying.} 
 
 Frisk. ( Aside.) This Wilton little dreams of the rod 
 I have in pickle for him. I wonder I haven't heard 
 from lawyer Pros : sure he never received the letter I 
 sent him. (Seeing Harriet disconsolate.} Why, Harry ! 
 Har. Ah ! Mr. Frisk, they have been my sup- 
 port, my preservers, and are the only friends I have. 
 
 Frisk. Come, come, don't be so unjust as to leave 
 me out of the number : but I know all about it, don't 
 blush now. 
 
 Har. Sir! (Confused.} 
 
30 
 
 Frisk. Madam. 
 
 Har. What do you mean ? 
 
 Frisk. Mean? as if you couldn't guess. I wouldn't 
 be thought impertinent, but do you think your disguise 
 could deceive me ? 
 
 Har. (Affecting pique.) Disguise, sir ? I don't 
 understand you. Though you may look upon me as a 
 mere boy, I may convince you I am as much of a man 
 as many 
 
 Frisk. Who wear a woman's heart under a man's 
 habit. It is useless to trifle, Wilton suspects you, and 
 has laid a plan to get you into his power. 
 
 Har. Heaven shield me from that power ! but, 
 but (Conceals her face with agitation.} 
 
 Frisk. Come, come, why in tears ? you see I was in 
 the secret, and 
 
 Har. 'Twas unmanly, sir, to take me by surprise. 
 
 Frisk. By surprise, my dear girl ? I know your sex, 
 I honour all your sex, and I'll fight for you all: so 
 don't fear to put confidence in me, I will protect you. 
 
 Har. (Recovering her spirits.) Why you look like a 
 champion ; but not being possessed of your w r onderful 
 penetration, I am really at a loss to know how you can 
 protect me. 
 
 Frisk. By my head and my hands, plan with one, 
 and fight \vith the other ; but is this same buckram 
 gquire the man who occasioned your flight and dis- 
 guise ? 
 
 Har. He is ; and on whose account I must again 
 fly. 
 
 Frisk. Not while Frank Frisk stays in the village ; 
 I shall leave it myself soon, and then we will go toge- 
 ther. 
 
 Har. Sir ! upon my word you don't want for con- 
 fidence, but I hope you will do me the honour to con- 
 sult me upon the occasion. 
 
 Frisk. Oh, my dear, we'll have the parson's permis- 
 sion : for the moment I knew you I determined to ofter 
 you my heart. 
 
 Har. Inscribed like a Tunbridffe Toy : " A Trifle 
 of Esteem." 
 
 Frisk. Pretty encouragement ! yet might I but pre- 
 sume. 
 
3t 
 
 liar. Might you but presume ? what have you 
 been doing all this time ? but were I inclined to return 
 this extraordinary compliment to my understanding, 
 there is an insurmountable objection ; you forget, sir, 
 I am poor. 
 
 Frisk. So am I ; and we shall match the better. 
 Love and poverty, they say, don't agree ; but the love 
 that flies out of the window at the sight of poverty, 
 deserves to have the door shut in his face ; so if you 
 can accept the heart of a poor eccentric fellow, who is, 
 I hope, more fool than knave, there is my hand ; if you 
 reject it, there's a pond in the yard, and a pear-tree in 
 the garden, and if I am fished for in one, or pluck'd 
 like a burgamy from the other, whose fault will it be ? 
 
 Har. ( Half ironically .) If your case is so desperate 
 it will require some consideration, and perhaps it is 
 fortunate I am poor ; or really rather than break your 
 heart, I might, perhaps, be induced to pay what am I 
 saying? Good bye I must leave the place ; and if we 
 should never meet again 
 
 Frisk. Remember if you leave this place without 
 me you'll break my heart, and (to an attorney's Clerk 
 who enters as Harriet goes off on the opposite side} I've 
 a great mind to break your head. 
 
 Clerk. Then I should lay you by the heels. Is your 
 name Paddock ? 
 
 Enter PADDOCK. 
 
 Paddock. That be my name. 
 
 Clerk. (Giving a paper.) There. 
 
 Paddock. Well, sir, what be this ? 
 
 Clerk. A common subpoena duces tecum. 
 
 Paddock. Deuce take 'em, common enough may- 
 hap ; but it be all Greek gibberish to I. 
 
 Clerk. 'Tis a notice to you to produce your lease in 
 court, at the trial of the action of Thrustout on the 
 demise of Wilton, versus Holdfast ; unless you wisely 
 prefer letting judgment go by default. The deed 
 won't hold water ! 
 
 Paddock. Hold water ? Won't it hold the land 
 for I? 
 
 Clerk. 'Tis good for nothing. 
 
32 
 
 Paddock. Why it be a shameful thing then : and 
 what be I to do about it, sir ? 
 
 Clerk. We are plaintiff's attorney and can't advise. 
 
 Frisk. Now I can. 
 
 Clerk. Well then, what would you advise ? 
 
 Frisk. You to get out of this place, or I'll serve a 
 writ of ejectment upon you. (Lifting up his foot.) 
 
 Clerk. Sir, I'll clear the court without executing 
 any further writ of enquiry. [Exit CLERK. 
 
 Paddock. Why now you will be hasty, sir : the 
 younsj man were but doing his duty, and he couldn't 
 help it. 
 
 Frisk. No more could I : my spleen rose, and my 
 foot often rises with it ; but let us take a turn round 
 the field together, and consider what is to be done ; 
 I'm a bit of a lawyer myself, and you'll have my advice 
 without a fee, and if it misleads you, its no more than 
 the advice you pay for often does. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 A Retired Landscape. 
 Enter WILTON and DICK. 
 
 Wilton. Now, Dick, you must get in conversation 
 with this Harry, and decoy him to the back of the 
 Manor-House, where Scorem will be waiting disguised 
 like a black 
 
 Dick. And your honour would make a black of 
 me, too ? 
 
 Wilton. What, sir? 
 
 Dick. Why, look ye, sir, I an't used to the smug- 
 gling sarvice ; in all proper duty till the cruise is over 
 I'll obey, but I'll never disgrace the bluejacket I once 
 wore by piracy. 
 
 Wilton. You shall repent this. 
 
 Dick. I should repent t'other I believe ; and if we 
 can't mess together without squalls, I'm ready to strike 
 the flag, unrig and take my discharge. 
 
33 
 
 
 
 Wilton. Go back to the Manor-House and wait my 
 pleasure. 
 
 Dick. With all hearts; steady in the rigging, 
 staunch at my gun ; but always steer clear of a lee 
 shore, your honour. [Exit DICK. 
 
 Wilton. This rascal will betray me, so I'll ship him 
 off, to use his own phrase : the girl I'll have, and I am 
 doubly determined to punish Paddock for protecting 
 her. The cause relative to Paddock's lease comes on 
 to day, Scorem's evidence ensures me success; then 
 I'll turn Paddock out directly, and give the lease to 
 him, because he's just such a convenient fellow as I 
 want ; and faith I must lose no time while the power 
 is in my hands ; for young Worthy, whom I never saw, 
 prosecutes his cause against me so vigorously, to re- 
 cover this ample estate, which has been so many years 
 in our family ; that, such is the uncertainty of the law, 
 I may not long be master of it. Yet Quibble's last 
 letter assures me I'm safe, and do my eyes deceive 
 me ? No here comes Harriet lucky opportunity ! 
 
 [Retires. 
 
 Enter HARRIET thoughtfully, with a Bundle. 
 
 Har. Yes; I'm resolved, this night it shall be 
 done : I must bid Frank adieu for ever for an hour 
 in this place is an age of terror, lest Wilton should 
 secure me. 
 
 Wilton. (Seizing her.) Wilton has secured you: 
 (she screams) and now, madam, with me you return. 
 
 Har. For heaven's sake, sir, persecute me no 
 longer ; I never will be yours. [Enter FRISK. 
 
 Wilton. You know me too well to suppose this non- 
 sense will avail. 
 
 Frisk. Then, perhaps, this will ! (shewing his cane.) 
 (To Harriet.) Return to Paddock's, and leave him 
 to me. [Exit Harriet. 
 
 Wilton. Rascal ! what do you mean ? 
 
 Frisk. Excuse my rudeness ; but I've a strange com- 
 plaint in this arm; a kind of something that always 
 puts it in motion whenever I see a scoundrel ill treat 
 a woman. 
 
 
 
34 
 
 Wilton. This shall cost you dear. 
 
 [Going off the way Harriet went. 
 
 Frisk. ( Stopping him, and pointing to the other side.) 
 No, your road lies that way ; the air of that field isn't 
 good for your health. (Pointing the opposite way.) 
 
 Wilton. Let me pass. 
 
 Frisk. Now be advised. 
 
 Wilton. Death and fury, sir ! if you was a gentleman 
 I should know how to talk to you. 
 
 Frisk. No you wouldn't ; it would require a gen- 
 tleman to do that in one word, go that way, or I 
 feel it coining (shaking the cane.) 
 
 Walton. You shall answer for this, sir. 
 
 [ Exit WILTON. 
 
 Frisk. (Calling after him.) I shall always be ready. 
 This was a lucky rencontre, but I must watch him, 
 that he may not go round and meet her again. 
 
 [Exit after WILTON. 
 
 Enter NED. 
 
 Ned. Hey-day ! I met my rival Harry running as if 
 he were bewitched; he seemed unhappy I'm sorry 
 for that, though he have stolen Janet's heart from me; 
 for now I ha' recovered my own, and he may take her 
 and welcome. I ha' done with the sedf? for since she 
 be false-hearted, I don't think there be a true one 
 amongst 'em. I shall never forget when I brought 
 her a ribbon from the fair. 
 
 SONG. NED. 
 
 1 went to the fair with a heart all so raerry, 
 
 Sing hey down, ho down, derry down <lro ; 
 And 1 bought a gay ribbon, as red as a cherry, 
 
 For the girl I lov'd best, and who vow'd to love me. 
 I return'd from the fair, p-ily whi.-tliiig and singing, 
 My true lover's knot 1 in triumph was bringing 
 O, it wasn't for me that 1 heard tin- bclU tinging; 
 Sing hey down, ho down, derry down, dee. 
 
35 
 
 1 found she was false, tho' she promis'd me fairly, 
 
 Sing hey down, ho down, derry down, dee; 
 And women, I trow, are like weathercocks ; rarely 
 They're nVd to one point, so coquettish they be. 
 My true lover's knot I away were now flinging, 
 I've done with the sex, will live single, and singing 
 O, it wasn't for me, &c. 
 
 [Exit NED. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 PADDOCK'S Parlour. 
 Enter DAME PADDOCK. 
 
 Dame Pad. O dear heart ! my poor man be gone to 
 the 'sizes about the lease ; if he loses the cause it will 
 go nigh to break his heart. (Enter Janet.) Janet, 
 girl, why what brings thee ? 
 
 Janet. To ask and entreat,, look you, that you will 
 speak a goot word for hur to Harry ; and toll him it 
 is crate shames and scandals to plague a poor girl, 
 who has partialities and affections for him, look you. 
 
 SONG. JANET. 
 
 Ah, well-a-day ! 
 Now may hur say, 
 Hur for a husband must tarry : 
 
 Hur's young and thought pretty, 
 O, 'tis a pity 
 
 That Ned hur e'er promised to marry. 
 In vain he comes after hur wooing, 
 In vain hurself Harry pursuing: 
 Tis wailing and woe ! 
 Hur must sigh, Heigho ! 
 And love, spite of Ned, cruel Harry. 
 
 Why did he come? 
 
 Sweet was hur home; 
 Care hur had never to parry : 
 
 Now all' melancholy, 
 
 Grieving and folly, 
 Ah ! sure to the grave 'twill hur carry. 
 
36 
 
 Of hur cruelty Ned is complaining, 
 Hurself suffers Harry's disdaining ; 
 "Tis wailing and woe, 
 Hur must sigh, Heigho! 
 And love, spite of Ned, cruel Harry. 
 
 Enter NED. 
 
 Love Harry ? Then more shame for you, after 
 all the promises you made to me ; but I've done with 
 you. 
 
 Dame Pad. Two fools! (to Janet) but if thee be'st 
 
 so changeable he'll have no bargain of thee I warrant. 
 
 [Janet and Ned go up the stage Harriet runs in 
 
 with the bundle, and drops on a chair ^ observing 
 
 none but Dame Paddock. 
 
 Har. O, Dame, I have had such an escape ! Wil- 
 ton, notwithstanding my disguise, has discovered that 
 I am the woman he persecutes. 
 
 Janet. Oh, bless hur conscience ! hur is a woman. 
 
 Dame Pad. There ; now the secret be out ; but if 
 either of you blab, I'll never forgive you. 
 
 Ned. Never fear me, mistress. (Aside.) Now I 
 shall be even with Miss Janet. 
 
 Har. (Recovering.) Disguise is in vain now ; all, 
 ^11 will be known. Save me from Wilton ! exposed 
 as I have been, I shall in this form become a laughing- 
 stock ; in that bundle is the last female dress I ever 
 wore ; I will resume it, and wait the event with resig- 
 nation. 
 
 Dame Pad. Come, come, keep up thy spirits ; never 
 mind him ; bless'ee, at thy age, if the best he that ever 
 wore a head had been troublesome to me, he'd have 
 met with his match, I warrant me. 
 
 [Exit HARRIET attended by DAME PADDOCK. 
 
 Janet. Well, it is full of wonders and marvels, look 
 you. [To Ned who is going of. 
 
 Ned. Oh, you want to follow me now ? 
 
37 
 
 DUET. NED and JANET. 
 
 Ned. My heart is as free 
 As a bird on a tree, 
 Your days of vagary you've had 'em : 
 A nice thing you've made 
 Of your par jury trade ; 
 Pack off to some other, good madam, 
 
 Pray do. 
 
 Janet . Tis fitting to jeer, 
 
 And to flounce and to sneer, 
 But hur sex were all cruel from Adam : 
 But hnr won't take it so, 
 And I'd have hur to know, 
 Mister Sir, hur was never a madam, 
 
 No, no. 
 
 Ned. You know it was base, 
 But I pity your case ; 
 How the folks will be all of them joking ; 
 And then by the way, 
 Such spiteful things say 
 Poor Janet, its very provoking ! 
 
 Poor girl ! 
 
 Janet. Hur's monstrous wise, 
 
 But hur'll tear out hur eyes ! 
 Hur's come to pass very pretty ; 
 Pray go, and who cares, 
 Hur an't at hur last pray'rs. 
 
 Ned. Poor Janet, your trouble I pity ! 
 
 I do. 
 Janet. Aye, insult hur now do with your pity, 
 
 Pray do. 
 [Exeunt severally. 
 
SCENE IV. 
 
 A Village. 
 
 Enter FRISK reading a Letter. 
 
 Frisk. Brave news ! and Lawyer Pros will be here 
 this day; what between law and love I'm prettily per- 
 plexed ; the terms are almost synonymous, and in 
 either case when it comes to an attachment, there's an 
 end to the liberty of the subject. 
 
 Enter CONSTABLE. 
 
 Const. In the King's name, stand! 
 
 Frisk. I prefer walking-. 
 
 Const. You mun walk wi' I then ; you are my pri- 
 soner, for salt and batter on the 'squire's honour. 
 
 Frisk. Now don't be importunate, or I may be trou- 
 blesome. 
 
 Const. But you shall go. (Collars him.) 
 
 Enter DICK, dressed as a Sailor ; with a Stick. 
 
 Dick. Belay! haul off your grappling irons, and 
 heave a head ! 
 
 Const. What do you bring a rescute ? 
 
 Dick. No I bring a stick. 
 
 Const. Do you know that I represent the King ? 
 
 Frisk. Then he's as ill represented as some of hii 
 people. 
 
39 
 
 Enter PROSS, booted and spurred. FRISK puts his 
 Jinger on his own mouth, to indicate secrecy. 
 
 Pross. Ah ! my worthy friend, glad to meet with 
 you ; have scoured the whole place for you ; in a great 
 hurry to be off again ; so come along. 
 
 Const. No he mun ; go along ! 
 
 Pross. Why, what's the matter ? 
 
 Frisk. A trifle : a gentleman was impertinent, and I 
 was impatient ; he wanted a conge, arid I offer'd him 
 a cane ; that's all. [Dick whispers to Frisk. 
 
 Pros. I'll undertake for him. 
 
 Const. Why, what be an undertaker to do in this 
 business ? 
 
 Pros. An undertaker fellow ? I'm Peter Pros, at- 
 torney at law, and I'll answer for his appearance. 
 
 Const. No, he mun appear to answer for himself. 
 
 Frisk. You astonish me, Dick ! Then there's no 
 time to lose : (to Constable.) My good fellow, I'll go 
 with you where you please ; but first go with me. 
 You, Dick, keep aloof a bit ; you'll know your cue. 
 
 [Exeunt all but Dick. 
 
 Dick. Aye, aye, your honour ! never miss signal. 
 (Looking at his dress.) Now I feel as I used to do : 
 I've parted company with the 'squire ; and this rig- 
 
 fing makes me look something like again : why, m 
 is livery, I was like a British bottom with French 
 colours. He thought to frighten me, by talking of a 
 discharge ; but he'd got hold of the wrong man. A 
 true seaman is never frighten'd at a squall ; and if he 
 is set adrift, why he works his way as well as he can. 
 
 SONG. DICK. 
 
 We tars have a maxim, your honour's, d'ye see, 
 
 To live in the same way we fight ; 
 We never give in, and when running a lee, 
 
 We pipe hands the vessel to right. 
 It may do for a lubber to snivel and that, 
 
 If by chance on } shoal he be cast ; 
 But a tar among breakers, or thrown on a flat, 
 
 Pujls away, tug tti-itug to the last. 
 
 With a yeo, yeo, yeo, fol de rol. 
 
40 
 
 This life, as we're told, i* a kind of a cruise, 
 
 In which storms and cairns take their turn ; 
 If 'tis storm why we bustle, if calm then we booze, 
 
 All taught from the stem to the stern; 
 Our captain, who in our own lingo would speak, 
 
 Would say, to the cable stick fast, 
 And whether the anchor be cast, or a- peak, 
 
 Pull away, tug and tug to the last. 
 
 With a yeo, yeo, yeo, fol de rol. 
 [Exit. 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 PADDOCK'S Parlour, 
 
 PADDOCK ararfDAME PADDOCK discovered; PADDOCK, 
 as if just come home, puts down his whip, takes off 
 his great coat, and hangs up his hat. 
 
 Paddock. Yes, Dame, it be all over sure enough : 
 'squire ha' gotten the day ; and Scorem, for his villany, 
 will get the lease. 
 
 Dame Pad. Well, well, keep up thy spirits; we 
 have a little left, and we can still work. I feel most 
 for the poor girl who is up stairs, crying ; and do look 
 like an angel in her own clothes. [A knock at the door. 
 
 Paddock. Come in. 
 
 Enter the ATTORNEY'S CLERK. 
 
 Paddock. O, you be here already, be you ? but /// 
 weeds come quick) as I say to my Spouse ; and There be 
 no shaking off troublesome companions, as my Spouse do 
 say to I. 
 
 Clerk You must all turn out ! the landlord and the 
 new tenant are coming. 
 
 Dame Pad. Hey, what ! Scorem ? If a comes near 
 me 
 
 Paddock. Nay, nay, dame ; don't lose thy temper, 
 and be a fool, because he be a knave : we mun turn 
 out, what then ? John Paddock may hold up his head 
 where they will be ashamed to show their faces. 
 Come, wife, come ! why do'ee be foolish and cry for ? 
 
41 
 
 have a good heart, and bear it like I ; (half crying) 
 heigho ! If I did keep but fifty sheep, t'farm be as good 
 again as when I took it : but this be law. 
 
 Clerk. Yes ! the very letter of the law. 
 
 Paddock. Then it be black letter, and Justice couldn't 
 read it. 
 
 Enter WILTON. 
 
 Wilton. Mr. Paddock, you guess the nature of mj 
 visit here ? 
 
 Paddock. Yes, yes ! you ha' done your worst, and I 
 am ready to turn out as soon as the law requires. 
 For <f Ihe weakest goes to the wall" as I say to my 
 Spouse ; and " Needs must, when the devil drives," as 
 my Spouse says to I. 
 
 Enter HARRIET in female dress. 
 
 Wilton. (Aside ; seeing her.) She's here ! and no 
 longer in disguise. 
 
 [Attempts to seize Harriet, Paddock catches up his 
 whip, and stands between them. 
 
 Paddock. Stand off! stand off! She be under mj 
 protection. [Scorem disarms Paddock. 
 
 Dame Pad. (To Scorem, and catching up the poker. J 
 Ah ! do'ee touch him, do'ee. [Wilton seizes Harriet. 
 
 Har. Will nothing but my destruction, and that of 
 these worthy people, to whom I owe my life, content 
 you? 
 
 Wilton. I seek your happiness, and to give you an 
 opportunity of returning their kindness ; there is a 
 new lease, with blanks for the tenant's name; consent 
 to return to town with me, and I will insert Paddock's, 
 and leave him in possession of the farm. 
 
 Paddock. Doantee consider us pray doantee, miss ; 
 we should never thrive in the farm. 
 
 Dame Pad. Doantee, miss, pray ; I'll go down on 
 my knees to thee 
 
 Har. I will never insult my protectors by sup- 
 
42 
 
 posing they would profit by my dishonour. I am of 
 age, sir; your power over me ceases, and I defy it. 
 
 Wilton. Then you have decided their fate. Give me 
 the lease. (Signs it.) Now insert Scorem's name. 
 (To the Clerk who writes.) And now, sir, (to Paddock) 
 you quit the premises. 
 
 Paddock. Mun we be thrust out like vagabonds? 
 
 Enter FRISK. 
 
 Frisk. Never while Frank Frisk is near to protect 
 you. 
 
 Paddock. What canst thee do, foolish man? our cup 
 of affliction be full. 
 
 Frisk. Then we'H make his honour drink it. Harriet 
 in tears? Hark ye, sir, (to Wilton) how have you 
 dared to insult that incomparable girl? 
 
 Walton. I expected you was in custody, sir. 
 
 Frisk. Yes, and here's my bail. 
 
 Enter PROS. 
 
 Wilton. Pros the attorney ! 
 
 Pros. Yes, Peter Pros; old Quibble, as I told you 
 he would, deceived you 'tis all up decree pro- 
 nounced against you. 
 
 Wtimot. Whaf, sir? 
 
 Pros. (Ta(es out a newspaper and reads.) "Worthy 
 versus Wilton.' 11 " The long depending cause relative 
 to the valuable estate of Golden Acres is at last de- 
 cided in favour of the plaintiff Worthy ; and all the 
 leases given by the defendant Wilton are void, who has 
 likewise to pay up a long list of arrears, &c. &c. &c." 
 
 Pros. Here, sir, is the* legal instrument, (shewing a 
 parchment,) by virtue of which we act. 
 
 in/Ion. Confound you all! [E.ril. 
 
 Paddock. (To >'nm// who has the /< ( i>< in his hand.) 
 Your lease', master Scorein, be not a long one. 
 
 Datnc Pad. Mayhap he'd like to have it reneuecl. 
 1 1 a, ha, ha! 
 
43 
 
 Enter DICK. 
 
 Dick. So his honour has bilg'd at last. 
 
 [FRISK and HARRIET talk apart. 
 
 Paddock. (To Pros.) And pray, who be landlord 
 now, sir? 
 
 Pros. Francis Worthy, esquire, and there he is. 
 [Pointing to FRISK. All amazed but DICK. 
 
 Dick. Yes, yes, the false colours are hauled down, 
 and the true blue hoisted. 
 
 Paddock. Be that Mr. Worthy? I do humbly beg 
 your honour's pardon for all the freedoms we have 
 taken with one another, but we were all in the dark ; 
 and Ignorance be excusable, as I say to my Spouse ; 
 and A fool's tongue do run before his wit, as my Spouse 
 do say to 1. 
 
 Frisk. Freedoms? Why you made me free of the 
 dining parlour, when old Trust to-morrow shut the 
 door in my face. 
 
 Scorem. I' insure if I'd known who your honour was 
 
 Frisk. You would have told me of the clause in the 
 lease ; you're a black sheep, and I mean to shear you. 
 
 Scorem. Your honour won't turn me out? 
 
 Frisk. But my honour will, I assure you. 
 
 Scorem. Then that ('snapping his fingers ) for your 
 honour-, stand out of the way. (Pushes against the 
 Clerk, uho folloics him out.) 
 
 Frisk. Now, friend Paddock, rest happy under your 
 old roof: your rent shall be reduced ; Ned and Janet 
 shall have the Barley Mow ; and Dick shall be brought 
 into safe moorings in town. And now, Harriet, may 
 / hope ? 
 
 Dame Pad. Do'ee, Miss, bless'ee do'ee. 
 
 //err. (To Frisk.) As you certainly are entitled 
 
 to some consideration (starting and looking behind 
 
 her, and affecting fright,; bless me ! I thought Wilton 
 was there ! So, to make myself secure, and (to Frisk J 
 to save you from the pond or the pear-tree, I fancy I 
 must e'en consent (gir.es her hand.) 
 
 Frisk. Say you so ? then all shall be Jubilee. 
 
44 
 
 Paddock. And I wish you may be as happy as my 
 Spouse and I. 
 
 FINALE. 
 
 Frisk. Guilt detected, worth rewarded, 
 
 Still a care obscures our view. 
 ( To Audience.) May approval be accorded F 
 
 Sovereign lords, we bow to you. 
 
 liar. What fears annoy 
 The farmer's boy ! 
 Ah, kindly smile them all away. 
 Paddock. Your smiles when won, 
 Shall be our sun, 
 And we'll while sun shines make our hay. 
 
 Dick. A sailor rough, on ocean bred, 
 
 Would favour ax, but knows not how. 
 Ned. And pray, your worships, honour Ned 
 With favours at the Barley Mow. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Guilt delected, &c. 
 
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 30 Miss in her Teens. 
 
 Each Play may be had separate. Price Is. 
 and are asfollnrcs: 
 
 3 The Beggar's Opera. 
 4 High Lite below Stairs, 
 o The Fashionable Lover. 
 
 31 The Revenge. 
 32 Maid of the Mill. 
 33 The Irish Widow. 
 
 1 As Von Like It. 
 2 Merchant of Venice. 
 
 20 King Henry IV. Part II. 
 
 21 ( 'oriolanus. 
 
 C Richard Coeur de Lion. 
 7 The Beaux' Stratagem. 
 
 34 The Fair Penitent. 
 35 Three Weeks after Mar- 
 
 3 Merry Wives of Windsor. 
 4 Macbeth. 
 
 22 Othello. 
 23 Winter's Tale. 
 
 Venice Preserved. 
 9 Love in a Village. 
 
 riage. 
 36 The Provoked Husband. 
 
 5 Tempest. 
 
 24 Midsummer-Night's 
 
 10 The Hypocrite. 
 
 37 The Padlock. 
 
 6 Taming of the Shrew. 
 
 --Dream. 
 
 11 'The Brothers. 
 
 38 Comiis. 
 
 7 Kinsr Henry the Fifth. 
 8 All's "Well that EndsWell. 
 
 25 King John. 
 26 Measure for Measure. 
 
 12 George Barnwell. 
 13 Douglas. 
 
 3y The Mourning Bride. 
 40 The Jealous Wife. 
 
 9 Two Gentlemen of Ve- 
 rona. 
 
 27 Comedy of Errors. 
 28 Kin Richard II. 
 
 14 The Critic. 
 15 Man of the World. 
 
 41 The Inconstant. 
 42 The Roman Father. 
 
 10 King Richard TIT. 
 11 Antony and Cleopatra. 
 12 MuchAdoaboutNothing. 
 13 Romeo and Juliet. 
 
 29 King Henry VI. Part I. 
 30 King Henry VI. Part 1 1. 
 31 King Henry VI. Part III. 
 
 52 Troilus and Cressida. 
 
 16 The Gamester. 
 17 Fortune's Frolic. 
 18 She Stoops to Conquer. 
 19 Lionel and Clarissa. 
 
 43 The Way to keep him. 
 44 Tancred and Si<:ismuijda. 
 45 The Clandestine Mar- 
 riage. 
 
 14 Twelfth-Night. 
 
 33 Julius Czesar. 
 
 20 Midas. 
 
 46 The Guardian. 
 
 15 Hamlet. 
 
 31 Titus Andronicus. 
 
 21 Jane Shore. 
 
 47 Alexander the Great. 
 
 16 King Henry VIII. 
 
 35 Timon of Athens. 
 
 22 A bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 48 All in the Wrong. 
 
 17 King Lear. 
 
 36 Pericles. 
 
 J3 Hosina. 
 
 19 The Tabacconist. 
 
 18 Love's Labour's Lost. 
 
 37 Cyinbeline. 
 
 24 Cato. 
 
 5O Oroonoko. 
 
 19 King Henry IV. Part I. 
 
 
 25 The Quaker. 
 
 51 She would andShe w ould 
 
 67. Another Edition of THE DRA- 
 MATIC WORKS of WILLIAM SHAKSPEAHK. 
 
 \Vitli 'A T if*> nf tlio Prwt Tho T>rn**a/*o \\\r V\r f*\liiio.ii 
 
 2(> Isabella. 
 ,7 1 he Busy Body. 
 28 The Belle's Stratagem. 
 
 not. 
 52 The Suspicious Hnsband. 
 
 And a Glossarial Index. In Seven Cabinet Volumes, 
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 58. HARLEQUIN HOAX ; or, A Pan- 
 tomime Proposed. A Comic Extravaganza. By THO- 
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 59. JEAN DE PARIS. A Comic 
 
 Drama, in Two Acts. By S. .1. ARNOLD, Esq. 
 Performed at the Theatre Royal, Drury-lane, with 
 much applause. Price 2j. 
 
 60. RUSSIA ; or, The Crisis of Europe. 
 
 A Poem. With copious Notes, and an Account of the 
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 6s. boards. 
 
 61. GLANCES at CHARACTER. 
 
 With coloured Plates. Foolscap 8vo. Price 10s. 6d. bds. 
 
 62. FABULOUS HISTORIES; de- 
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 Price 5s. half-bound. 
 
 64. A KEY to the DISTILLERY; or, 
 
 A Treatise on Distillation and Rectification, in all its 
 various Branches. Also, Genuine Recipes lor making 
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 pounds, Cordials, and Spirituous Waters, by Distillation, 
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 &c. &c. &c. 
 
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 65. ELEGANT EXTRACTS, from the 
 
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 after original Designs by West all, Stothard, 
 
 Humble as might appear to be the task of Selections 
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 PHILOSOPHICAL DICTIONARY ; comprising an 
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 bg &J)tttmI)am anti 
 
 69. AN EXTRACT from a JOli 
 
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 73. KUNOP^IDIA. A practical Essay 
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 With Instructions for attaining the Art of Shooting 
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 Octavo. I'rice 12*. boards. 
 
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 With Frontispiece. Price 6s. boards. 
 
 75. GRAMMAIRE PRATIQUE de 
 
 la LANGTJE ALLEMANDE et FRANCOIS! , :, 
 I'TJsage des Officiers de 1'Armee, <Us Colleges Mill 
 
 -r.il. P.^ |,. |),,,.. 
 
 Price 5s. boards 
 
 taires et de tontts 1. s K.ol.s en Gem-r.il. 
 tetir RENDER. Seconde Edition. Pric 
 
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 ONE STIII-LINO AND SIXPENCE EACH. 
 
 GARLAND: a Collection of Pot ins, chiefly on Do- 
 mestic Subjed?; \\ilh a beautiful Frontispiece 
 
 Floweret: containing Henry and Emma, School-mis- 
 tress, and D\iii'4 " 
 
 Sir Hornbook; or, Chil !e Launcelot'a Expedition: co- 
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 Tale 
 
 Select Poetry: moral and entertaining 
 
 Elegant Selections: ditto, ditto 
 
 Alleeoii--- and Yi-ioii-, from tin m..-; t -i,-emcd Authors 
 
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 Oriental Tales, for the entertainment of Youth 
 
 Owl's Hoarding-School; or, Grand Breaking-up : co- 
 loured / 
 
 History of Jacob : a Scripture Narrative. Part I. & II. 
 coloured plate* 
 
 Anecdotes of Animals 
 
 ON 1 -il I Vi 1 > (. I.ACH. 
 Life and affert'mu' Hi^toi v of Lad-. 
 lli>li.' 
 
 "J he < .noil- of I'.leii'-l.i >.-lwvil 
 
 P-iinel-i ; or, \ i.lue |{eward( '1 
 
 Mr-. <li;u Iton's Pathetic I'oeiry for Youth 
 
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 MarvV'l ! : v Mi-- ^inMhi- 
 
 Histor) of Jacob, a Scripture Narrative. Part I. and 
 II. , 
 
 .'.Mile Lanncelof* Expedition :|^>M 
 
 i London I ou n. as they may now lie .-ten: 1,1 
 London ; or, Ptilili. m tin- 
 
 V , \einplili, (I ill the Mor> "I I Illil.V 
 
 rutruction and 
 
 Parent's Present to their Little Family: containing t!i.- 
 Poems of my Father. Mother, Brother, and - 
 in imitation of Cowpera Mary 
 
 Adventures of a Hen, as related by herself to her Fa- 
 mily of Chickens 
 
 1 he History of Little Jack ; by the Author of Sandford 
 and Merton 
 
 SIXPENCE EACH. 
 
 Adventures of Philip Quarle 
 Robinson 
 
 Cinderella, and the Little Class Slippers 
 History of Goody Two shoes, and her Brother Tommy 
 Unfortunate Sailor, and his faithful Dog 
 lli-tor\ of the Children in the Wood 
 Pin.- Beard ; or, I'eciale Cn : 
 .\li Baha; or, the Forty 'I h 
 
 \ illaye Annals; or, llhtoi y of Austerus and Kin 
 ildreu 
 
 Second Catechism 
 
 : i ages; or, Idleness and Industry 
 
 THIM.I I'l \( I 1 ICH. 
 
 History of .louler .nid Keeper, two Dogs: a Tale 
 Story of Little IU-d Kidinu Hood; and the Lamb 
 Intelligent Primer; or, liiytnicti i : 
 
 Aviary; or, Introduction to the Natnralllis( 
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 Panorama of Pleasure and Instruction; or, 
 
 tor N onlh 
 
 Youthful Mirror, or, Choice Stories for the JuveniJi 
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 lor lli.' I oven Ol I e. lining 
 
 I \\.-l.ltl \ 
 
 ( he\ v < I..IM : .111 ai;. 
 
 ,;tl Kilitionsnl' \Y VITS'S |'S\LMSHM.| 11^ MNS, j.ri.ii.-.l l.v \\ niiTi\<,n \M, max to 
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 \ i monl ..( BIHLKS, TKSTAMI'v. (OMM()\ PH\VK!l HOOKS, ip 
 
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 uf e\ _ 
 
 In the /' 
 
 EMILIA OF LINDINAU; 
 
 A POKM. IN FOUR CANTOS 7 . HY M\ir. A\-\LI HOI :MTO\. 
 
 IINLLY-ENGHAVLD i'KOMIxpJ! 
 

 
My spouso 
 
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