TWO 
 
 LYRIC EPISTLES. 
 
 [Price One Shilling.]
 
 TWO 
 
 LYRIC EPISTLES: 
 
 ONE TO MY 
 
 Coufin SHANDY, 
 
 On his coming to TOWN; 
 
 AND THE OTHER 
 
 To the Grown GENTLEWOMEN, 
 
 The MISSES of**** 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for R. and J. D O D S L E Y in Pall-mall '; 
 And Sold by M. COOPER in Pater-nofter-r<m>. 
 
 MDCCLX.
 
 LYRIC EPISTLE 
 
 T O 
 
 My Coufin SHANDY, 
 
 On his coming to TOW N. 
 
 DEAR SHANDY, 
 
 O U know there goes a Tale, 
 How Jonas went aboard a Whale, 
 Once for a Frolic, 
 
 And how the Whale, fet fail 
 
 3 
 
 With a fair Gale, 
 And got the Cholic; 
 * And after a great Splutter 
 
 Spew'd him up, upon the Coaft 
 I Juft like a Woodcock on a Toaft 
 
 With Trail and Butter. 
 I fliould have thought him much to blame 
 
 Had he gone back the way he came. 
 
 445296 S
 
 E ' 
 
 So when you're over head and ears in Debt, 
 
 You'll fume and fret ; 
 
 When once you're wip'd clean, if you prefume, 
 To plunge yourfelf again, fret on and fume. 
 So when a Man has loft his Wife 
 
 He makes a pother, 
 But he deferves to lofe his Life, 
 If he will venture on another. 
 
 So when a Mifs juft enters on her Teens 
 
 She makes a Coil, 
 
 Becaufe fhe knows not what fhe means 
 You lofe your Labour and your OyL 
 
 But by and bye, 
 After you have taken your Degrees, 
 
 If you will try, 
 You'll be inftalFd with eafe, 
 And you may take a Flight 
 Upright, 
 Like me, 
 And drop like ICARUS into a vacant Sea. 
 
 And
 
 7 
 
 And fo, becauie Comparifons are odious, 
 
 Pray tell me plain, 
 
 Whether the Theatre in DRURY-LANE, 
 Or that of YORK, is mod commodious .; 
 
 And to oblige you, 
 I'll tell you a Story of ELIJAH. 
 As he was walking by a Wood in fober Sadnefs, 
 Clofe by a Mob of Children flood, 
 Commenting on his fober Mood, 
 And taking it for Madnefs j 
 
 In their Opinions, 
 
 They hung together juft like Onions, 
 And back'd them like fuch fort of Folks, 
 With a few Stones, and a few Jokes : 
 Till weary of their Pelting and their Prattle, 
 He order'd out his Bears to Battle. 
 It was delightful Fun, 
 To fee them run 
 And eat up the young Cattle. 
 
 Now
 
 [ 8 ] 
 
 Now had ELIJAH chang'd the Scene, 
 From thinking and walking 
 To drinking and talking, 
 
 Or any pleafant Situation, 
 
 It would have cur'd the Spleen, 
 And fav'd a Lapidation. 
 
 Your Affeftionate Coufin, 
 
 ANTONY SHANDY, 
 
 njlox 

 
 A N 
 
 EPISTLE 
 
 T O T H R 
 
 Grown GENTLEWOMEN, 
 
 The MISSES of * * * * 
 
 La Muftca et gli abiti Sono delta Fagha Invencione di 
 Eartolomeo Cogliane^ Poeta Lirico et Firtuofo della Ca- 
 mera della fua Excellenza la Signora Conteffa * ' 
 Procuratrice di San Giacomo. 
 
 LADIES, I love you dearly, 
 And for a proof I fend this Letter 5 
 To deal with you fincerely,. 
 I dare not offer any better. 
 Many of your Mamas 
 
 Would look upon it as a Sin, 
 
 Becaufe
 
 Becaufe 
 
 They and their Daughters are fo near akin, 
 It would be wading both through thick and thin. 
 Time alfo, the beft Tutor of all others, 
 
 Has open'd my deluded Eyes ; 
 I have made Fools enow amongft your Mothers, 
 I wifli it was as eafy to make you wife. 
 This, fays Mifs Notable, is positive Grimace, 
 He thinks to rub the mould off an old Face, 
 
 By being fmart and fly ; 
 Juft as a Houfewife thinks you'll eat 
 
 Her fufty Meat 
 When it is feafon'd in a Pye. 
 
 Mifs Notable, you are a Cynick, 
 And though in Greek it means a Bitch, 
 I only mean you are a Mimick, 
 When you fet up to be a Witch. 
 Can you imagine me ib queer 
 An Engineer 
 
 To
 
 To think of making my Advances 
 
 By Fancies ? 
 
 I know that an Approach is made 
 Sideways and by Infinuation; 
 
 I know my Trade, 
 But not by a rhetorical 
 
 Or metaphorical 
 Or verbal Difputation, 
 But by a real zig-zag Operation. 
 I would as foon attempt to take a City 
 With Sugar-plumbs 
 Inftead of Bombs, 
 As take a Mifs by being witty : 
 Or to take you, 
 When you're in cue 
 To romp and grapple, 
 
 Like Eve, 
 
 Taking you only by the Sleeve, 
 And pulling out an Apple. 
 
 A Mifs
 
 A Mifs that's brought up in a Boarding School; 
 Or in a Cloyfter, 
 Is like a Stool, 
 And like an Oyfter. 
 For though a Bungler can't get at her, 
 An Oyfter- monger who has thought on't well, 
 
 And underftands the matter, 
 Contrives a Way into the Shell, 
 Like any Eel, 
 Into a Wheel, 
 Of Wicker, 
 Gobbling the Oyfter and the Liquor. 
 
 The Reafon why fhe is like a Stool, methinks 
 
 Is this ; 
 
 (I do not mean a Stool that ftinks) 
 That never can be like a Mifs; 
 
 I mean a Stool, 
 Not in the nature of a Chair, 
 
 But a mere Tool, 
 Placed in a Corner here and there 
 
 With
 
 E '* 3 
 
 With an Intent 
 
 Not to be ufeful but for Ornament ; 
 Juft like the Image of a Chinefe Lubbard, 
 Sitting upon a Chimney-piece or Cupboard. 
 Yet when a Drawing Room is full, 
 Or when a Company draws near 
 
 That blefled Sphere, 
 Where all are happy that are dull, 
 And they are taken up with fome Debater, 
 You clap you down flipping afide 
 And fo your Stool is occupy'd 
 
 Sooner or later. 
 And fo a Mifs that's thrown afide like Lumber, 
 
 Altho' they watch her,. 
 Will find Occafions without Number, 
 If any one's inclin'd to catch her. 
 
 When a Man's faying all he has to fay, 
 And fomething comes acrofs the Way, 
 
 Without a Provocation, 
 I do not call it a Digreffion, 
 
 But
 
 , C '4 1 
 But a Temptation 
 Which requires Difcretion. 
 And therefore I petition 
 For leave to give a Definition 
 Of the Word Reputation ; 
 'Tis an Impreflion or a Seal 
 
 Engrav'd, not upon Steel, 
 On a tranfparent Education, 
 
 Which, held up to the Light, 
 Difcovers all the Strokes and Touches 
 That mark the Lady of a Knight, 
 A Mantua-maker, or a Duchefs. 
 
 A Mifs brought up in Fairy Courts, 
 Pradis'd in fiiblunafy Sports, 
 And Contemplations in the Dark, 
 
 Is apt to be furprifed 
 By a fuperior Power, difguifed 
 
 Like an Attorney's Clerk. 
 Oft in the darkeft Night, when every Head 
 Is wrapp'd in Sleep, 
 
 And
 
 [ '5 ] - 
 
 And free from Cares, 
 He fallies from the Deep, 
 Stealing up the Back Stairs, 
 And without Dread, 
 
 He'll creep 
 Upon you unawares 
 Into your Bed. 
 A Fairy is a cunning Elf, 
 And feldom meditates a Rape 
 
 In any Shape 
 That you fufped yourfelf. 
 Sometimes in Front he will appear 
 
 Juft like a Barber's Block, 
 And fometimes hang upon your Rear, 
 Drefs'd in your Footman's Frock. 
 When once you are enchanted, 
 You are commonly poflefs'd all Night, 
 
 Like any Houfe that's haunted, 
 And like a haunted Houfe, a Prieft tnuft fet you right. 
 And then by reafon of your tender Age 
 You are in no lefs Danger 
 From HAMLET and RANGER, 
 
 The
 
 [ "5 ] 
 
 The Enchanters of the Stage. 
 You are not open to fo many Snares, 
 From Dancers, Singers, 
 And Fiddle-ftringers, 
 As from Players. 
 
 Players make Love by Letters Patent, 
 All other Artifts are excluded, 
 But now and then it has fo happen'd> 
 
 The Law has been eluded; 
 And by a Trick of a Logician, 
 
 No Lawyer's Whim, 
 For Inftance, if the Artift's a Muilcian* 
 You muft convert the Proposition, 
 That is, you muft make love to him. 
 I do not mean, my Dears, 
 To alarm you with my Fears, 
 Though I could bring Examples recent^ 
 
 And make Refle&ions, 
 
 To (new that fueh Amours are neither decent,, 
 Nor good for your Complexions^ 
 
 Let
 
 [ '7 3 
 
 Let but a fingle Spark of Fire fall 
 Into a Powder Magazine, 
 It blows up all, 
 Quite and clean. 
 So when you have finifhed a neat Billet-doux, 
 
 All but the Stopping, 
 And you're in Raptures leaning, 
 A Drop of Ink, you know not how, 
 
 Comes dropping, 
 And blots out all the Meaning. 
 If you delight in Slops 
 And will be always tailing and touching, 
 You may meet Slops where a few Drops 
 
 Will blot your Scutcheon : 
 Your Face breaks out in Spots, or you're inflated 
 To a Degree, 
 So as to be 
 Homunculated. 
 
 I quite forgot I was in fuch a Trance 
 To give a Hint, 
 
 Afquint, 
 
 About a Country Dance. 
 C
 
 Dancing contributes greatly, 'tis confefs'd a 
 To open and dilate your Cheft, 
 And is exceeding good 
 To purify the Blood 
 And Humours. 
 
 But if you fit too long, and cool too quick, 
 Your Hand is feiz'd and you fall fick. 
 It feels as if it felt all over Tumours, 
 Shaking, as if you fliook a Stick, 
 Tingling and numb, 
 Finger and Thumb, 
 
 Paralitick. 
 
 If People would but flick to their Profeffions, 
 You would be dancing, 
 Not fitting and romancing, 
 Like an old Juftice at a Seffions. 
 Suppofing now you have efcaped all Rocks, 
 
 Not without many Shocks 
 Amongft the Shoals of Calumny and Rancour, 
 Thank Heaven you are not ftranded ; 
 
 Throw out your Anchor, 
 And then do what you pleafe when you are landed.
 
 C 1.9 
 
 Sure I fpeak plain enough, you underftand 
 That I would have you marry out of hand ; 
 Whether you wed a Coxcomb or a Sloven, 
 
 By fair Means or by Covin. 
 Marriage refembles a perpetual Oven. 
 Your chief Expence and Trouble's in the making, 
 Which need not be repeated, 
 
 Unlefs you are cheated, 
 From the firft Time you put a Cake in. 
 For after that without being heated, 
 It will continue fit for baking ; 
 Conftantly ready Night and Day, 
 If you don't bake at home, your Neighbour may. 
 Do but contemplate a Pudding's end, 
 There is a String goes round about 
 
 Her Snout, 
 
 The String is very much the Pudding's friend, 
 He keeps her within bounds, or elfe flie would be fpoil'd, 
 And by his means'lhe gets well boil'd. 
 
 C 2 Look
 
 Look at that Spit again, 
 What is it keeps your Meat from burning ; 
 
 It is a Chain 
 
 That humours it in turn-ing ; 
 And by that means, as you have often boafted, 
 Your Meat is always nicely roafted. 
 
 Juft fuch another tye is Marriage; 
 I take the Marriage-noofe or Wedding-ring, v 
 
 If you are prudent in your Carriage 
 
 To be a Pudding-ftring. 
 
 And for the Marriage-chain, 'tis prov'd as clear as Glafc, 
 To be but a Jack-chain a Chain for a Jack-afs. 
 
 'Tis all made out as fine as Silk, 
 
 Now attend my lovely Lafles, 
 
 And I'll provide you all with Afles. 
 
 You fliall not want for Affes milk. 
 
 I vvifh a Mifs was like a Leek, 
 Whofe Head is long 
 And ftrong, 
 
 Altho'
 
 , C I 
 
 Altho' the Tail 
 Be frail 
 And weak. 
 I could fay in three Words all that I have to Ipeak, 
 
 Diffemble 
 
 Whether you referable 
 The proud or weak. 
 
 Meeknefs and Pride alike inflame Defire, 
 
 A Truth well known araongft the Wenchers ; 
 So Oil or Brandy thrown into the fire, 
 Are neither of them Quenchers. 
 Take that which fuits you beft, my gentle Dames, 
 Either will do, to fet a Houfe in flames. 
 'Tis not fufHcient to inflame, 
 You muft provoke, but you muft tame. 
 
 Obferve the Anglers, 
 They don't take every Fifh that comes ; 
 
 So many of your Danglers, 
 Are but Bull-heads and Miller Vthumbs. 
 
 A Captain 
 
 445296
 
 4* 
 
 A Captain or fome pretty Fellow, 
 May dangle with you at a Rout ; 
 Juft as they fifti for Salmon with a Menow, , 
 
 Or a red Clout. 
 But when you walk with STREPHON arm in arm, 
 
 And feel all over New-milk warm, 
 Whilft he complains of Penalties and Pains ; 
 
 You'll feem 
 Like an iced Cream 
 If you have any Brains. 
 
 Adam was weary of a fingle Life, 
 And feeing Eve bafliful and nice, 
 He thought her fitter for a Wife, 
 Than any Beaft in Paradife. 
 
 So when a Squire fees a Maiden coy, 
 
 He makes a Jointure ; 
 
 And in a fit of Joy, 
 Prefers her to a Pointer. 
 
 MILTON'S
 
 MILTON'S Delay ^ it is no word of my inventing, 
 
 Lies in a point, 
 If you can hit the Joint, 
 Between forbidding and confenting. 
 Juft like the Cream of which you have been told, 
 Delicious, when 'tis not too cold. 
 All fmall Delays are right, 
 They make Folks keen, 
 
 Whether they mean 
 To play or fight. 
 So at a Battle and a Cocking, 
 The Combatants before they let them go, 
 
 Stand a little while and crow. 
 And when you throw the Stocking, 
 After the Bride and Bridegroom's bedded ; 
 The Bride encouraged by that Paufe, 
 Yields to the Laws 
 And is beheaded. 
 
 The E N D.
 
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