WAGON 807.73 T212L Taylor, B. L. - Log of the water wagon 807.73 T212L 6978 Taylor, B. L. Log of the water* wagon THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON This is an unlimited edition, of which this copy is No. 69,850. If you wish a higher number, your bookseller will gladly supply you. . m 4-4 THE ORIGINAL WATER WAGON BERT LESTON TAMLOR and W.C.GIBSON ILLUSTRATIONS hy L.M.GLACKENS PUBLISHED BY H.M.CALDWELL CO. BOSTON Copyright, 1905 BY H. M. CALDWELL Co COLONIAL PRESS Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Sitnonds warning, cut off in the blossoms of their resolutions, and sent to their slate accounts with all their im- perfections on their heads This little volume is affectionately dedicated. WATER-WAGON if EDITORS' NOTE The Log of the Water Wagon was compiled from memoranda found in a floating milk-bottle with a patent stopper, flung overboard just before the good ship " Lithia " foundered in a fearful simoom off White Rock Point. The notes, pen- cilled in a trembling hand, on the backs of blank temperance pledges, I O U's, and wine-lists, were barely LOG OF THE* 4 legible, testifying to the fearful con- dition of the unknown writer's tongue, manifestly incapable of moistening the pencil. With the notes were enclosed a Water Wagon folder, showing itin- erary, rules and regulations, points of interest touched at, etc., a frag- ment of a clipping from the New York Sun, and sundry moral re- flections upon life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The editors have preserved, as far as possible, the spirit and literary style of the Log-keeper, whose identity is an interesting conjecture. His fate, and that of his fellow passengers, is shrouded in mystery. TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR OTHER CONTENTS SEE BODY OF BOOK THE SUN, ith r of and ,half talk jpart- .burg, Stern- stary osion iter- etail but the to tof the ny lu- ll. *, s- 3- l THE WATER WAGON DEPARTS. GOOD SHIP LITHIA HEAVIL Y LOADED SAILS ON CRUISE. lo- io in plo- ilief ar- ling Fresh from the drydock, glistening in new white paint, her blue streamers snap- ping in the breeze, loaded to the limit with mthusiastic and babbling passengers, the Water Wagon left last night on another perilous voyage. A tremendous crowd was aresent to see her off. The surging mass of well-wishers included relatives and friends of the passengers, a large delegation from the International Federation of Mineral Water Bottlers, and representatives from the W. C. T. U., Band of Hope, Never A^ain League, and other dusty associations. 'The farewell presents to the passengers were unusually numerous. These included hot-water bags with "Bon Voyage" hand- painted on them, silver bonbon boxe; containing soda mint and lithia tablets, in dividual cut-glass bromo-seltzer bottles, water lilies, watermelons, and other fruits and flowers. Just before the hour for sailing happy little speeches were made by the Superm tendent of the Water Works, the Commis- sioner of Irrigation, and the Hon. Bromo b Emerson, of Baltimore, whose sizzling ora- tory was received with terrific applause. Promptly at midnight a bottle of sarsa parilla was broken on the Lithia' s sprinkler the gang-hose was uncoupled and haulet aboard, and the Water Wagon glided grace fully away from her moorings. A score or more of belated passenger came straggling down the pier, and finding LOG OF THE * GENERAL INFORMATION In making reservations, the pas- senger's real name, not the station- house name, must be given, in full. All " John Smiths " will be regarded with suspicion, and must be satis- factorily identified. Seats as well as berths will be assigned for the entire voyage. For a few choice seats next the water-cooler a small additional fee will be asked. No life-preservers will be found in staterooms. Do not ask for them. No " bundles " will be allowed in staterooms, nor allowed to lie around the decks. Excellent concerts will be ren- 16 WATER.WAGON dered every evening in the main saloon by the Band of Hope. A select library will be found in the smoking room. Water-marked sta- tionery is also at the disposal of all first-class passengers. Don't try to get on the Wagon while it is in motion. It is the Captain's business to stop for loads. If he does not stop when flagged, you will know he is full. When rounding the sharp curve at the Pousse Cafe, passengers are cautioned to hold fast. Passengers feeling their anchors dragging, and seized with a sudden desire to leap from the Wagon, should apply to purser for para- chutes. Stop-overs will be allowed at Vichy Springs, Delaware Water Gap, and Waterbury only. No transfers given on transfers. Passengers losing any of their wheels will find them in the wheel- house. No rain-checks will be given out. This is a dry cruise. Buy a round-trip ticket and save money. All mail received en route will be read aloud by the steward at sunset. SPECIAL INFORMATION. In looking toward the bow of the vessel, the left-hand side is port. The right-hand is sherry. 18 WATER. WAGON LOG OF riA Hitch your wagon to a star. If it's the Water Wagon, tie it to the Great Dipper. Emerson. I often wonder where the old moons g After they once get full and dis- appear. Do they, I wonder, pilot to and fro The men who 'quit the Wagon year by year? Copernicus. WATER. WAGON NOTE. The writer of this record, being the only sober passenger aboard the Good Ship " Lithia," has been requested by the Captain to keep the Log. The Captain kindly explains that a log is a thing in which you put down the daily occurrences on board ship. I have kept a dog, and a valet, and a thirst, and other things, but a log is sure a new proposition. But, dash my tarry toplights, here goes. Avast there, my hearties ! Yeo-heave-ho ! Yo-ho ! At midnight we left the Bar, and got under way, with a big tide and the wind souse-souse-east and piping free. Everybody aboard, barring the ' / writer, is thoroughly saturated. I / counted fifty - seven varieties of pickle. LOG OF THE Later. It seems I was mistaken about having left the Bar. The Captain announces through the ventilator that he is stuck on the Bar. Loud cheers from the passen- gers, and cries of, " So say we all of us!" Lightened ship by throwing over- board two bales of temperance pledges and ten cases of sarsaparilla. The Captain announces that we are off the Bar. Groans. I am suspicious of the pilot. He hasn't flashed a single pilot-biscuit since he came aboard. 22 m ~*K~JF * * ^^^X ^*^i^*^^- t-fl WATER. WAGONS . A *- J '.^ First Day The Lithia is reeling off eight knots an hour. Wind still souse- souse-east and piping free. Weather so-so. The passengers, misled by the name, are in the saloon, calling loudly for drinks and hammering on the tables. The Captain an- nounces through the ventilator that he will turn the hose on them. Cheers, and cries of " Louder ! " The uproar in the saloon con- tinues. An entertainer is giving a realistic imitation of a man mixing a cocktail. Tremendous applause, 2 3 LQG OF THE< and shouts of " Great, old man ! " A young water curate has volun- teered to go among the noisy pirates *and try to soothe them. Later. The water curate has been thrown down the companion- way. Loud splash on the starboard side. We have dropped the pilot. The Captain has ordered the First \ Mate to take the wheel. The Mate is in the saloon, bound hand and foot, and the passengers are sing- WATER. WAGON if ing " How Can I Bear to Leave Thee." The Lithia is going around in a circle. The Mate has been rescued, and has laid a course for Carbonic Light. I asked him if a mate's wife is called a room-mate. He said he didn't know, but the midshipmite. The Captain has just taken sound- ings, but reports that he can't hear a thing. So much noise in the saloon. Tom Ginn, the noisiest of the bunch, has been put in irons for 25 LOG OF TH demanding an old-fashioned cock- 'tail and inciting the passengers to mutiny. The clanking of his chains is having a quieting effect on the other pirates. 3 A. M. Passed the trim little craft Coryphee, homeward bound, loaded with lobsters and champagne. Wigwagged to her that her star- board light was out and that her hair was coming down. She sig- nalled back, " On your way." Ran afoul of a fleet of full-rigged Johnnies, stuck on Shanley's oyster- beds. Offered to take them aboard 26 'WATER-WAGON &== the Wagon, but they vociferously refused. Said they'd just got off one. The Captain took the Sun as soon as it came out, and reported that we were a hell of a way from the Equator. Passed a ragtime whistling buoy. Hennessy Martel, an amateur An- cient Mariner, got into the calcium for a minute by trying to shoot a nighthawk, claiming it was an alba- tross. The Captain gave him the water cure. 27 LOG OF Spoke a tramp tank steamer, Red V Booze Line, Captain Handout. " Ahoy ! What ship is that? " hailed Captain Handout. "The Water Wagon," I replied through the Cap- tain's megaphone. " Keep off ! " he yelled, and crowded on all sail. Shipped a heavy swell rolling in from the Faro Banks. Eight bells and all's well. cntietl) tfje first fcap of tlje crtttee. 28 'WATER.WAGON =*=== BAGGAGE REGULATIONS Each full ticket entitles passenger to one load. A load and a hang-over will be charged as excess baggage. All baggage must be checked by our regular inspector before de- parture. Contraband baggage, such as bottled cocktails, case goods, whiskey capsules, brandied cherries, etc., will be confiscated. ANIMALS, BIRDS, AND OTHER PETS will not be allowed on the main wagon, nor allowed to run alongside. All such must be put in charge of the steward, who will tag them and place them in a trailer, where they will be fed and cared for, an LOG OF TH permitted to drink out of the trough of the sea. All animals will be returned to owners at end of voyage; or, if desired, the steward will send them to any designated circus or men- agerie. No passenger will be allowed more than three purple monkeys or two dozen red, white, and blue snakes. No magenta elephant weigh- ing more than twenty tons will be received in the trailer, as the ac- commodations are limited. No mas- todons of any colour will be ac- cepted. The management will not be responsible for any accident or change of colour these pets may undergo. We cannot guarantee fast colours. 'WATER.WAGON f^T^F aei =^ & Striped mice, polka-dot lizards, r$*A Scotch-plaid guinea-pigs, and other /I* small animals, and all perishable buggage, will be carried at owner's risk. LOG OF THE THE WATER WAGON .. BAND Every evening in the main saloon, from 8 to 10, our own Band of Hope will discourse the following musical favourites : "Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes." " Wait for the Wagon." " The Old Oaken Bucket." " Father, Dear Father." " Down by the River." " When the Swallows Homeward Fly." NOTE. Any attention on the part of the audience will be appreciated by the 'andmastcr. 3 2 WATER-WAGON if ITINERARY 8 bells 6 bells 3 bells 4 bells 7 bells 2 bells 8 bells i bell 5 bells Leave the Bar Pass Rye Beach .... Off the Faro Banks . . . Near High Ballston Spa Arrive Vichy Springs . . Weather Cape Casegoods . Nearing Prohibition Park Arrive Delaware Water Gap Pass Croton Reservoir . . Round Apollinaris Bot- tling Works Weather White Rock Point Arrive at Waterbury . . 6 bells 4 bells 8 bells The management reserves the right change the itinerary at any old bell time. 33 to LOG OF Big Heads My Specialty NUTT The Square Hatter'* 132 1-2 WATER STREET Any Size Head Fitted w*~ Ask to see my Adjustable, Telescopic Noiseless Hats. (Patent Pending.) Just the thing for the Water Wagon. No springs or metal used. Will expand or contract as conditions require. Space in sweat-band for cracked ice. Money re- funded if we don't make good. Stretching done at your own home the morning after. Telephone, Derby 8 3-4 "You get the Head, and we' put a Lid on it" WATER-WAGON Most of the gold-cures are only plated, and it soon wears off. Keeley. Men's evil manners live in rum. Their virtues we write in water. Shakespeare. ^ LOG Second Day The morning opened on a full house, and everybody stayed in bed. Barometer throbbing fever- ishly, indicating a long dry spell. The breakfast-gong was sounded by the Steward, but not a soul made a move. Cries of " Lynch him ! " from the staterooms. The Captain has been looking over the Log, and says I keep it like a butcher's book. I told him to keep it himself if he didn't like it. ii A. M. The Steward got every- body on deck by turning in a still 37 LOG OF THF =aft *&$= Second Day alarm that the next round was on the house. The push dressed like a commuter making the 8.13 train. Everybody voted it a dirty trick. 11.30 A. M. Tied up at Water Tank No. i, and took on fifty cases of lemon soda and sarsaparilla, and a case of malted milk for Moxie Matzoon, alias Moxie Grandpa, a stowaway, who was discovered soon after we cleared the Bar. He is suspected of being the staff cor- respondent of the Weekly Water Cooler. He doesn't seem to be pop- ular. 12.30 P. M. The Captain took 38 WATER.WAGON Second Day r?V a lunar observation, and reported that we were in latitude 58: 12 W. from Greenwich, Conn. I asked him how he managed to observe the moon in the middle of the day, and he referred me to the Information Bureau. Crusty old chap. Whale sighted. He was blowing his friends. Cheers from the water- proof deck, and cries of " I'll take the same ! " At 3 P. M. mutiny broke out /among the passengers, but it was quelled by the Captain with his trusty little marlingspike. Doctor 39 Zcolak, the ship's surgeon, diag- 1 nosed the case as thirst, not mutiny. The undertow of dissatisfaction among the passengers continues. Hennessy iMartel called a mass- meeting on the port side, and the Wagon almost turned turtle. " Trim ship ! " commanded the Captain from the bridge, and Eggley Mo- nade, who is a regular wag, asked him if he thought we were a bunch of dressmakers. Passed the Can Buoy on Wurz- burger Shoals. Some of the boys started to rush it. 40 WATER-WAGON &= Loan sharks have been following the Lithia all day. The Mate says this is a sign that there's a dead one on board. Jim Sling says there will be one, all right, if he doesn't fall off pretty soon. Jim is a sore pup. Just before 6 P. M. the Lithia sprung a leak, and we lost consid- erable water. Something has also happened to the hydraulic engines, and the Captain has given orders to let go the dope-sheet. A round-robin has been sent to the Captain, requesting him to touch at the Aquarium, for a look at the /*( * \ Hanks. LOG OF TH The crew held a First Aid to the Foolish drill, and were instructed what to do in case a passenger at- tempts to fall off the Wagon. Guinness Stout and the Count of Maraschino had a hot argument over the meaning of "load water line," the Count maintaining that there was no such thing. They appealed to the Captain, who told them they were both wrong, and that A wins the box of fudge. 42 'WATER. WAGON ;&-* &= The water-cooler has been emp- tied four times since noon, and the boys are now eating the ice. The Captain has put everybody on quar- ter rations, and the Steward is serving cracked ice in capsules, only one to a customer. Tom Ginn has again been put in irons for demanding an Angora pousse cafe. No casualties to date, barring one passenger, name unknown, who was badly punctured by stepping on a starboard tack. 43 - LOG OF TH Shortly before midnight a mix-up 'of red and green lights off the weather bow had the Captain going for a minute. It turned out to be a cut-rate drug-store. 12 P. M. The decks were swabbed with Apollinaris; the In- gersol night-watch was wound up, the cat put out and the back door locked, and peace brooded over the waters. tlje scconfc lap of tfje cttttae. WATER-WAGON THE WIFE'S MORNING AFTER He "The boys had a rattling time at our house last night." She (surveying the mess) " Empty beer-bottles, nearly empty whiskey-bottle, half-empty glasses, empty siphons, distorted corks, frag- ments of sandwiches, remnants of cheese, crumbled crackers, fugitive olive - pits, beer - stained doilies, stream from recumbent catsup-bot- tle meandering across Aunt Mar- tha's embroidered centrepiece, cigar and cigarette stubs in salad-bowl over all a Vesuvian deposit of ashes. And breakfast only twenty minutes away ! " 45 LOG OF THE FIRST AID TO THE INJURED In case of a fall from the Water Wagon, prompt action will often save the victim. While the life-line is being cast and the breeches-buoy rigged, lay the sufferer on his back and spray him thoroughly with a siphon of carbonic until signs of conscious- ness appear. In the majority of cases his first words will be : " Make mine a rye highball." You will then repeat the siphon treatment,^ at the same time making a few passes over him and reciting monot- onously in his ear : " Water, water 46 everywhere, and not a drop drink." Usually this will produce a condi- tion in which the breeches-buoy can be quickly adjusted and the sufferer hauled back on the Wagon. If it fails, work his arms up and down like pump-handles, and exclaim in threatening tones : " Your wife is coming back on the 5.03 train." If his eyes remain glazed and his struggles continue, add harshly; " She telegraphs that Mother is coming with her." Complete coma should result. If not, it can be in- duced by tactfully whispering: " The next round is on the house." This has never failed. The breeches-buoy may now be attached and the sufferer snaked 47 LOG OF ==*=== aboard the Wagon and lashed to the' tank. During his convalescence a friend **? should be constantly at his side, reading to him the history of the Johnstown flood. A single chapter has worked wonders. ' WATER. WAGON "===&= THE WATER WAGON LIBRARY The following carefully selected list of Books may be had by apply- ing to any of the deck-hands. They need not be returned. "D'ri and I" (Batcheller). "Many Waters" (Shackleford). "The Desert" (White). " Many Cargoes" (Jacobs). " The Water Babies " (Kingsley). "Ebb Tide" (Stevenson). "Frenzied Frappes" (Lawson). "The Two Van Revellers" (Tankington). 49 LOG OF THE Stop that Merry - Go - Round ! ! Do things revolve when you retire ? Does your room whirl like a fly- wheel in a power-house ? Does your trunk go by like the Twentieth Century Limited? Do you feel as if you were looping the loop ? If so, you can flag the merry-go-round with one of Professor Bunn's Patent Plugs for Pifflicated People One of these, inserted anywhere in the wall, will bring things to a stand- still, or, put in place before retiring,^ will insure a quiet night's rest. ONT SLEEP LIKE ATOP! WATER. WAGON if LOG OF THE When you move from Brooklyn, be sure to burn your bridge tickets behind you. McKelway. Treat, and the world drinks with you; quit, and it leaves you alone. Horace. WATER-WAGON Third Day The morning opened clear and extra dry. Big head winds. The' Mate tried to take the Sun, but the sky was cloudy, so he took the Tribune. Wind S. The saloon sounds like a dog- show. Everybody has a dry, hack- ing cough. Barometer extra brut. W. and scorching. The Steward, assisted by the Ship's Valet, dusted off the tongues of the passengers and sprayed them with Blisterine. They were very S3 LOG OF THE' 1 4 s jX grateful, and a collection has been : taken up to purchase a loving-cup for him. Spoke the brewery barge Bud- weiser, outward bound, Captain Umlaut. The Budweiser fired a salute of four dozen bottles, not one of which, unfortunately, reached the Lithia's deck. In a heroic effort to rescue a bottle, Tom Collins fell overboard. He was picked up by a fishing party, and when last seen was eating the bait. A blood-curdling screech has come up through the ventilator, and the 54 ATER.WAGQN Captain has gone below with a mar- lingspike. Later. The Captain has re- turned. It seems that the Valet scorched Hennessy Martel's tongue trying to iron the wrinkles out of it. The rest of us have decided on dry massage for ours. The Scotch-plaid guinea-pig threw a lighted cigarette in some straw in the trailer and started a fire. The deck-hands turned on the sprinkler and put it out. No great damage. The purple pig had his Keeley- cured hams smoked that's all. 55 LOG OF THE Hennessy Mattel has got him- 'self disliked by nailing up in the dining-cabin the following teasing dinner-card : Cocktails Grapefruit soused with maraschino Consomme with sherry Fried skate Soused mackerel Croute of pineapple with Madeira sauce Leg of lamb, mint julep sauce Roast ham, champagne sauce Artillery punch Venison, port wine sauce Plum pudding with lots of brandy sauce Rum omelette Buns Brandied peaches Black coffee with cognac Individual Turkish bath 'WATER.WAGON ===&= At 3 P. M. we made Water Tank No. 2. Catcalls and groans from all on board. Passed the Spit Buoy, could. Nobody Turner Van Newleaf, one of the most popular of the passengers, was suddenly taken with water on the brain. Doctor Zoolak bled him, soaked him, and pulled his leg. Poor Van Newleaf was compelled to borrow enough money to finish the cruise. Some practical joker raised the cry of "What'll you have?" The 57 LOG OF THE * panic that followed made a football mix-up look like a procession of choir-boys, and a dozen or more passengers were lost from the Wagon. Among those that fell were Jim Rickey and Guinness Stout. 5 P. M. Sighted the Players' Club. The Captain gave the Engi- neer the jingle-bell, and we went by the danger-point like a squirt of seltzer. The drouth in the saloon is in- tolerable. The dry batteries that run the fans have given out. Count Martini has tossed his waterproof 'WATER.WAGON ===/ LOG OF THE Martel offers to swap his Panhard and fifty shares of unassessable Hot Copper for three fingers of lumber- jack rye. Poor Turner Van Newleaf was found sitting on the sprinkler troll- ing for wine-jellyfish and chattering to himself. Doctor Zoolak dry- cupped him and sponged his mouth with Blisterine. 10 A. M. Sighted a night school of whales galloping after the Lithia. The wise Mate says this is a sure sign of a Jonah on board. A com- mittee of five, headed by the puzzle 78 'WATER.WAGON ' " &= LOG Fourf/i Dot/ > editor of Golden Days, has been ap- pointed to find the Jonah. Clark Dearborn, champion half- shot putter of the Chicago Athletic Club, claimed to have seen two swordfish fencing off the weather bow. Doctor Zoolak roped him, threw him, and tied him in thirty seconds, breaking the Montana record. 2 P. M. Made Delaware Water Gap. The citizens of the Gap turned out in a body and gave us a royal 79 7\ LOG OF THE welcome. The Mayor, in a happy little speech, presented the freedom of the city and the great key to the water-works, both of which we were compelled to decline on account of the serious condition of our passen- gers. A chorus of young ladies, carry- ing a white banneret of watered silk, with the motto " Purity " and a crocheted picture of Moses smit- ing the rock, raised their sweet young voices in the affecting song: " Wait for the Wagon, Wait for the Wagon, Wait for the Wagon, And we'll all take a ride." So =2*=0^i^ r y-^S^MB^rsrj7 WATER. WAGON^ Jack Redwood and Hy Jinks, of the 'Frisco Bohemian Club, cut in with a barber-shop tenor and a ster- ilized barytone, and were promptly and loudly hissed by the snakes in the trailer. Hennessy Martel hogged the limelight by offering to loop the Water Gap in a ball-bearing cata- maran, without the aid of a net, and the Captain, scenting trouble, side- stepped the Gap and made a quick getaway. At 5 P. M. the lookout reported a sour mash freighter. The passen- 81 LOG OF THfl *& gers are kissing the hem of his car- digan jacket and calling him another Columbus. Later. The sour mash freighter turns out to be a root-beer wagon on its way to a Sunday-school ex- cursion. The enraged passengers are now kicking the hem of the lookout's jacket. The Committee on Jonah reports progress. At 5.30 P. M. we ran into a dust- 82 WATER-WAGON Fourth Day gale, caused by an automobile party brushing their clothes after being chased by a bicycle cop. The air is thick with dust and whisk-brooms, and the Lithia's passengers are lying, gasping, on the cravenette deck. The lookout sends word that he can't see a pair of deuces. The Captain has ordered the rose- sprinkler turned on and the electric- fans started. The dust-fog lifted for a few moments, and the passengers were seen to be leaping overboard. The 83 Bos'un performed yoehoman service in rescuing the imperilled and help- ing the weak ones back on the Wagon. A collection was taken up to purchase him a silver-plated swinging ice-pitcher. 6.45 P. M. The Mate took soundings, and reported no bottom. The Captain announced that, from the depth of water, we must be nearing Wall Street. The Mate was ordered to ring for a messenger-boy and send him after a pilot. 8 P. M. The Mate boxed the 8 4 LOG Fourth Day compass and the compass won on points. The Committee on Jonah have been through the vessel like a pack of ferrets, and report that the Jonah can be no other than Moxie Mat- zoon, alias Moxie Grandpa. The report of the Committee was ac- cepted and ordered inscribed on the records. A special copy, engrossed on parchment, will be sent to the Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Balti- more. Very dull in the smoking-room to-night. Nothing doing but a game 85 LOG OF THE< Fourth Day of tiddlywinks on the O. P. side. Roderick Dhuar, a reformed Scotch barkeep, enlivened the hours by playing " Comin' Through the Rye," with variations, on the cash register. When he finished he found he owed the Steward $22.30. He gave his I O U. Shortly after midnight the look- out reported a strange light on the port bow. It turned out to be an electric advertisement, reading, WHEN ALL IN AND SPEECHLESS, MAKE SIGNS FOR BRICKTOP RYE llbv 86 WATER-WAGON &== LOG At this touch of the real thing, the Lithia's passengers perked up considerably, and the yell that greeted the sign sounded like a dog being run over by a Mercedes. ejifcetf) tfje fottrtl) flap of tjje cruise 8- LOG OF THE & Quoth the Red Raven: " Nevermore ! " WATER.WAGON OMAR ON THE WAGON I. Before the last hour of the Old Year died, Methought a voice without the Tavern cried: "Oh, cut it out, Khayyam; there's. nothing in't. The Water Wagon waits you. Take a ride!" II. So, with the echoes of the New Year's chimes The thoughtful Soul upon the Wagon climbs, Cuts out the Grape, and promises to reach The Bosom of his Family betimes. 89 in. At home by six, for Dinner with the Frau; Early to bed and rise; a little Cow And Seltzer when I line up with the Boys: That's mine. I'm on the Water Wagon now. IV. A Moment's Halt a momentary taste Of Water from the Wagon ! Oh, make haste And climb aboard! Aqua is sweeter far Than all the Grape Goods that were ever cased. 90 V. /' For some we loved, the loveliest and the best, Who tried to beat the Game, are now at rest. They set 'em back, and set 'em back, and then Were gathered to the Kingdom of the Blest. VI. Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft be- fore I swore, and I was honest when I swore. And then the Wagon bumped the Curb, and I 'Was jolted off into a Liquor Store. LOG OF VII. They say that Tom and Dick and Harry keep The Bars at which I gloried and drank deep. Well, let them keep them. I am feeling fit, And feeding well, and catching up my sleep. VIII. I used to think that never blows so red The Cherry as when Maraschinoed ; And watching Barney fish them from the Pot I have acquired, at times, a lovely Head. 92 'WATER-WAGON IX. And that reviving Herb whose ten-: der Green Fledges the River-Lip how oft I've seen The Barkeep make a Julep with its leaves, The while upon the Bar I'd lightly lean. X. But now, my Friends, I've had my last Carouse, And made a Second Marriage in my house ; Divorced the wanton Daughter of the Vine And taken Neptune's daughter for my Spouse. 93 LOG OF THE fls XL Yon rising Moon that looks for us */* again How oft hereafter will she wax and wane; How oft hereafter rising look for us Through the Roof Gardens and for me in vain! XII. When in your joyous Pilgrimage you pass Along the line of Beer and Stout and Bass And Rye and Scotch and Fizz, and reach the place Where I made One turn down an empty Glass. 94 ^*WATER- WAGON if LOG OF THE You can't tell the age of whiskey by looking at its teeth. King William. The truth is mighty and will pre- vail. When you come home with a package don't tell your wife you've been shopping. Socrates. WATER-WAGON LOG Fifth Day The sun rose half an hour late. Eggley Monade, the ship's wag, suggested that Old Sol's safety- razor must have been out of whack. The Mate belted him with a piece of tarred rope, and Doctor Zoolak with the compass needle took seven stitches. Shortly before noon we picked up the Stock Exchange light, and the Lithia was slowed down. Took on Tom Lawson, the pilot, who knows right off the reel, with- out sounding, the depth of water at 97 LOO OF THP Fifth Day every point in the dangerous chan- nel of Wall Street. Tom brought aboard his magazine-gun, which he mounted at the bow, remarking jovially that he might take a crack at a pirate or two. Entered the channel, with Trinity cliffs astern. Pilot Lawson is at the wheel, looking very wise. Every- body's watching him. An indignation meeting has been called on the two-for-a-quarter deck by excited passengers who promised their wives, sweethearts, and parents 98 M-fcZr \u " ' ^^s>' ^^i*w**>- !> 1 1 'WATER.WAGON LOG to keep out of Wall Street. They demand that the vessel be put back. The Pilot remarked, grimly, that it is harder to get out of Wall Street than into it. He advises all hands to hang on and wait for a rise. A little before 3 P. M. the lookout shouted, " Maelstrom dead ahead ! " A panic resulted, and the cry went up that Lawson was a bum pilot. Strong and willing hands tore him from the wheel, and, pur- sued by the infuriated passengers and crew, he ran down the deck and dove over the taff rail, yawping : " I will have something to say next month ! " 99 LOG OF THE' Fifth Day "We are lost!" the Captain shouted, as he staggered down the stairs. Putting three chips on the red, he spun the wheel to starboard. Round and round in the clutches of the maelstrom spun the good ship Lithia. " Whee !" cried Hen- nessy Martel, "this is like old times. First good whirl my head's had since the Lambs' Club gambol." 2.56 P. M. The Lithia seems hopelessly lost. The passengers, with blanched faces, are swapping farewells and keepsakes. 2.58 P. M. Gottlieb Kirschwas- 'WATER. WAG ON LOG ser, of Milwaukee, lost his head (the one he came aboard with), and, screaming, " Heute rot, Morgen tot! Auf wiedersehen! " hurled himself overboard. 3 P. M. Saved ! The Stock Ex- change bell struck three, and the maelstrom knocked off for the day. The Lithia's passengers joyfully re- turned to one another the keepsakes and farewells, and Kirschwasser was fished out of the drink with a boat- hook and put in the boiler-room to dry. 4 P. M. We have left Wall Street, and are bowling along toward i White Rock Point, and kicking up an awful dust. LOG OF =*== The drouth has become intoler- able, and the sufferings of the pas- sengers are increasing hourly. The deck-planks are curling up, and the oakum is oozing from the seams. The barometer exploded with a loud pop, and Hennessy Martel, wild-eyed, ran up the main hatch, k crying, " Is that George Kessler \ opening wine?" "No such luck,"" gurgled Tom Ginn, who was spray- ^ ing his throat with Blisterine. WATER.WAGON LOG Old Medford, the Water Wagon veteran, says he doesn't remember a voyage attended by so many disas- ters. " We must get rid of the Jonah," said he. 4.44 P. M. The Captain made a neat little speech from the bridge, and presented to each passenger a dry-point picture of the good ship Lithia. Most of them were flung overboard. After supper the Captain, a most considerate man, gave a smoker, in order to take the minds of the pas- sengers off their fearful thirst. A 103 LOG OF Fifth Day i Keith circuit top-liner, who has a V;* whole page and his picture in "Who's Who on the Water Wagon," gave an imitation of an actor re- fusing a drink. The audience over- looked the screaming absurdity of the plot in their admiration for the artistic performance. Professor Argus, the mind wizard, offered to read the minds of all the audience at one crack. Challenged to perform this astounding feat, the Professor smiled and said, " You are all thinking that it is almost time for a long cold highball." Crack- ling shouts of admiration came from 104 WATER-WAGON LOG Fifth Day I* the parched throats of the audience, and the protest, " Fake ! Fake ! Somebody must have told you ! " Harvey Steele, a floor-walker in a wholesale anchor house, was the next entertainer. He gave a realistic imitation of a crooked barkeep play- ing on an upright cash register. When he finished the audience de- clared there was nothing in it. An amateur hypnotist was the next to oblige. " Will some gentle- man kindly step up and assist the i5 LOG OF THE< Professor in this demonstration? " he requested. Dead silence ; nobody made a move. The Professor smiled patiently, and repeated his request; no takers. Finally the Captain, who had drifted in, stepped up, remark- ing, " Try your stunt on me, Pro- fessor." (Deafening applause.) The amateur hypnotist took the Captain in hand and made a few passes at him, and he took the count in six seconds. " Happy man ! " cried the Professor, fixing the subject with his glittering eye. " Happy man ! you are soused for fair, and are opening vintage wine." " Whee ! " said th Captain, bracing himself against Davy Jones's locker. " Frappe two 1 06 WATER-WAGON ' more quarts ! Line up, boys ! " (Tumultuous applause, and cries of " Don't wake him up ! ") But the Professor did wake him up, and the Captain bowed sheepishly and re- turned to the wheel-house. " Will some other gentleman kindly step up?" asked the Amateur Hypnotist. The scramble that followed made the rush-hour at the Brooklyn Bridge look like a chess tourna- ment. In the jam the Professor's shoulder was dislocated, putting him out of business. 2 A. M. Hennessy Martel has ir tied a string around his thumb to III 107 LOG OF THE remind himself to take a drink the minute he gets off the Wagon. entoetl) tije fiftl) lap of t&e crutjte. t fl w '^SS' ^* i* 1 ATER. WAGON^ ' the Axminster Carpet Cleaning Works, beside which Cape Hatteras is a goldfish aquarium. The sufferings of the passengers baffle description. Everybody feels that this is his last trip on the "Wagon. Hennessy Martel has tied another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make it two drinks when he gets off. Old Medford, who is as mad as a conductor when you give him five pennies, insists that the Jonah be dumped overboard. A dogged, de- 119 LOG OF TH termined committee has gone below to yank out Moxie Grandpa, who, as old Medford says, is an inter- loper, anyway, and has no more business on the Water Wagon than a trousers stretcher in a young ladies' seminary. Later. Old Matzoon has been dragged up from the hold, kicking and clawing, and the passengers are balloting on the proper disposition of him. While the ballot was being taken, another tidal wave of dust broke 1 20 WATER-WAGQN over the hapless Lithia, and the enraged passengers and crew cried in chorus, " Over with the Jonah ! " The wretched Moxie fiend was there- upon flung into the trailer, despite the protests of the magenta elephant and the Scotch-plaid guinea-pig. At 1.20 P. M. the Lithia grounded with a fearful crash, and the billows of dust that broke over her carried away the sprinkler and all the spokes in the aft wheel. A composite pic- ture of John B. Gough and Carrie Nation fell to the cabin floor and was totally wrecked. 121 LOG OF THF a Buried in dust from deck to trucks, the Lithia lay on her side, pounding like a farmer at Coney Island on a "Try Your Strength " machine. The good old Wagon was doomed. Nothing could hold in such a simoom. The Captain shouted down-wind, " Cut away the trailer ! " The ship's Carpenter, with hammer and cold- chisel, severed the tow-line, and the menagerie vanished in the dust. At 1.35 the Lithia sprung a bunch of leaks, and every drop of water 'WATER-WAGON - &=== ran out of her. We are now high and horribly dry. HennessyMartel has tied still another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make k three drinks when he gets off. His hand is beginning to look like a hammock. At 1.50 P. M. orders were given to lighten ship. We threw over ten bales of temperance pledges, fifty cases malted milk, thirty-two cases sarsaparilla, eighteen carboys root beer, twenty-seven vats lemon soda, two hundred and thirty-five gal- lons mineral water, the library, the band, the cash register, seventy- 123 LOG OF THF =* <** five bundles of blue ribbons, the water - cooler and three tons of cracked ice, the pianola, Gottlieb Kirschwasser, and Doctor Zoolak. The Lithia righted, and it looks as if the gallant craft will ride it out. Cheers are rattling from the warped throats of passengers and crew. 2 P. M. We are lost I A fresh consignment of boarding-house car- pets has just been thrown under the slapsticks at the Cleaning Works. This is the limit of dirty weather. Hurrah! A St. Bernard dog with 124 WATER-WAGON a little brown jug tied to his neck is battling his way toward the doomed Water Wagon. Good old Nero! The St. Bernard has leaped aboard. Merciful heavens! the jug contains arnica! We have torn off Nero's license tag and chucked him overboard. Hennessy Martel is maudlin and weeping on my pleated shirt-front. " In case you pull through, old man," he says, "tell my poor little wife (the tall one) that my in- 125 .surance policy is in the kitchen clock with the milk tickets." 2.20 P. M. We have launched the life-raft, and stocked it hastily with the following supplies: One case Jack Spratt's assorted dog bis- cuits, two dozen golf balls, a crate of sponges, two telephone books, one " Little Giant " gas-stove, one " Little Gem " safety lawn-mower, six dozen Lady Macbeth lamp- chimneys, one Prospect Park cro- quet set, four wheelbarrows, one roll-top desk, and one Colonial high- boy with glass knobs. This outfit will keep us going for a few days. 126 WATER. WAGON At 2.30 P. M. we cut away the : life-raft and pushed off, and we are now pitching and tossing on the dusty billows. Heaven only knows how much longer our sufferings will be prolonged. I am parched and weary, and my pencil is worn to the quick. Ho, Steward, fetch me a milk-bottle with a patent stopper 1 I must commit these writings to the restless sea. thy Go, little Log, from this our solitude ; We cast thee on the waters go ways. And if thy luck (unlike our own) be good, Some one will read thee after many days. 127 LOG OF So here endeth the Log of the Water Wagon, as hammered into Eng- lish by the Authors on Watt'ell paper; the illustrations by Saint Louis, and the whole done into a book by the H. M. Caldwell Co., at Boston, which is near Bunker Hill, in the State of Massa- chusetts, in the year One Thousand Nine Hun- dred and Five LOT FOR SALE UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY