THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES THE VICAR OF W A KEF I ELD: A PLAY FOUNDED ON OLIVER GOLDSMITH'S NOVEL UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME " CRANFORD: A PLAY." By Marguerite Mer- ington. A comedy in three acts made from Mrs. Gaskell's famous novel. With a cover design and a frontispiece by Edwin Wallick. Cloth, 12mo, $1.25. " PRIDE AND PREJUDICE : A PLAY." By Mrs. Steele MacKaye. A comedy in four acts, founded on Jane Austen's novel. With frontispiece in color by Edwin Wallick. Cloth, 12mo, $1.25. "I thought thee lost, my Olivia' THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD: A PLAY FOUNDED ON OLIVER GOLDSMITH'S NOVEL BY MARGUERITE MERINGTON Author of "Cranford: A Play," "Captain Lettarblair," etc. NEW YORK DUFFIELD & COMPANY 1909 COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DUFFIELD & COMPANY Published, October, 1909 SPECIAL COPYRIGHT NOTICE. This play is fully protected by copyright, all requirements of the law having been complied with. Performances may be given only with the writ ten permission of Duffield & Company, agents for Miss Marguerite Merington, owner of the acting rights. PS PERSONS OF THE PLAY THE PEIMEOSE FAMILY DE. PEIMEOSE (THE VICAR OP WAKEFIELD) " Unites in himself the three greatest characters upon earth: A priest, a husbandman, and the father of a family." MES. PEIMEOSE " A good-natured, notable woman An excellent contriver in housekeeping" GEOEGE " No one was ever born with a better Tcnack of hoping." OLIVIA "Now about eighteen, had that luxuriancy of beauty, open, sprightly, and commanding." SOPHIA " Features not so striking at first . . . but soft, modest, and alluring" MOSES ''Quite happy at being permitted to dispute." DICK AND BILL "M y little ones." THE WILMOTS DE. WILMOT "A dignitary in the Church" AEABELLA "Fortune her smallest accomplishment . . . completely pretty. Her youth, health and innocence heightened by such a happy sensibility." . THEATRE &ZS vi PERSONS OF THE PLAY THE FLAMBOEOTJGHS ME. FLAMBOEOUGH (A PROSPEROUS FARMER). " Our honest neighbour" and his six children, begin ning with his " two daughters, flaunting with red top-knots" FAEMEE WILLIAMS A young man "in easy circum stance, prudent and sincere." SIE WILLIAM THOENHILL (MR. BURCHELL). " About thirty. His person was well-formed, his face marked with lines of thinking short and dry in his address seemed not to understand ceremony, or to despise it. One of the most generous yet whim sical men in the kingdom" SQUIEE THOENHILL "A young gentleman of gen teel appearance address confident, easy desired to know little more of the world than its pleasures." THE Two " LADIES OF QUALITY " " Women of the town masquerading as Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs." EPHEAIM JENKINSON "A knowing man with a thorough knowledge of human nature on the wrong side." THE LANDLORD AND LANDLADY OF THE SIGN OF THE HARROW " A wayside public house." A servant in the Thornhill liveries. ACT I Living-room in the Vicar's cottage, in some rural part of England. Early autumn. ACT II The same scene, some weeks later. ACT III The same scene, the day after. ACT IV A room in The Sign of the Harrow, a public house on the road to London. Some weeks later. ACT V SCENE I A prison cell. SCENE II Outside the Vicar's cottage at Xmastide. Costumes, setting, music, etc., are of the period the time of Oliver Goldsmith between 1728 and 1744. The play is divided into five Acts because Goldsmith so arranged his own comedies. For simplicity's sake, how ever, the old-fashioned mode of subdividing Acts into scenes with change of environment has been followed only at the close. PROLOGUE SPOKEN BY THE GHOST OF DR. JOHNSON. The Ghost rises from the stage in a gray mist. The mist dispels, and the Ghost addresses the audience with occa sional references to imaginary presences near him. Who stands before you, do ye question ? What ! Two centuries, and then are we forgot? I am that Johnson who did once compile A Dictionary Is it out of style? playgoers, ye living, modern host, Bear with a word from an old-fashioned ghost 1 1 come to speak for Goldsmith, Oliver, Dear Noll Eh! What's that? I deny it, sir! ('Tis Mr. Garrick, in the distance dim,) Too great, Davy, to belittle him ! But, you, Sir Joshua, with wondrous art Who painted him, you knew dear Goldie's heart, His kindly spirit, innocent of guile, His Irish Irishness, his winning smile! {Pauses to take snufi.~\ Foibles, in sooth, had he : he never learned To husband guineas he so hardly earned, x PROLOGUE Loved gay apparel that his means outran Yet ne'er bloom-coloured coat clothed better man ! Ever compassionate to want, distress, His lavish hand would leave him penniless. Too late, alas ! for him his attic stair Tho' fortune climbed, he left the world his heir ! Vast his humaneness, not unkind his scorn, His pen touched nothing it did not adorn. What ! Dead two centuries, yet makes ye laugh And weep to-day ? 'Tis his best epitaph ! THE GHOST SINKS IN A GRAY MIST. xi DESCRIPTION OF SCENE FOR ACTS I, II AND III, ALSO FOE ACT V, SCENE 2. " Nothing could exceed the neatness of my little en closures, the elms and hedgerows appearing with inex pressible beauty. My house consisted of but one storey, and was covered with thatch, which gave it an air of great snugness. The walls on the inside were nicely white washed. The same room served us for parlour and kitchen. It was kept with the utmost neatness, the dishes, plates and coppers being well scoured, and disposed in bright rows on the shelves." At the back is a door, opening into the front garden. It has a knocker on the outside. At the back, and at the left are windows framed with vines, and having curtains. There are plants in pots upon the sills. On the right (R 1) is an opening without a door, leading to the scullery. Also on the right (R 2) is a door, leading to the bed rooms. Elsewhere are a -fireplace, with mantelpiece, china closet, dresser, screen, settee, table, chairs, cricket, book shelf, tall clock, and all other necessary furnishings. On the walls are silhouettes, samplers, pictures, and Mrs. Prim rose's epitaph, framed, also a looking-glass. ACT I ACT I Sounds of pipe and tabour. DISCOVERED: The VICAR OF WAKEFIELD and his family, being welcomed by MR. FLAMBOROUGH, FARMER WIL LIAMS, and other parishioners, including the MISSES FLAMBOROUGH. By the open door, rear, stand musi cians with pipe and tabour. The VICAR wears his usual aspect of benevolence. MRS. PRIMROSE is divided be tween hospitality and disdain. OLIVIA'S expression is slightly condescending, SOPHIA'S rather less so. MOSES is interested, GEORGE aloof, the children show pleasure. VICAR. [ A ddressing the welcoming group.~\ From my heart, sir, on behalf of Mrs. Primrose and our children, thank you! FLAMBOROUGH. Your servant, Doctor. As I was saying, you will find us a simple folk, but pious. We keep up the Xmas carol. VILLAGERS. Aye, that we do ! FLAMBOROUGH. We send true-love-knots on Valentine morning; eh, lads and lasses? VILLAGERS. [With laughter, sheepish, or teasing. 1 Aye, that we do! 2 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD FLAMBOROUGII. We eat pancakes on Shrovetide; eh, neighbours? YlLLAGEHS. Aye, farmer ! That we do ! FLAMBOEOUGH. We show our wit on the First of April! eh, boys and girls ? VILLAGERS. [With guffaws.] Aye, sir; that we do! FLAMBOROUGH. And we crack nuts religiously on Michaelmas Eve! eh, friends ? VILLAGERS. Aye, Mr. Flamborough ! That we do ! FLAMBOROUGH. Come, then! Here's a hearty welcome to the Vicar of Wakefield! [Waving hat.] VILLAGERS. Hear, hear ! [Demonstration with hats, sticks, etc. Flourish of pipe and tabour, the VICAR bows thanks with emo tion, his family with courteous acknowledgment. The villagers, led ~by FLAMBOROUGH, go to the music of pipe and tabor. The PRIMROSE family alone re main.] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 3 OLIVIA. [Mimicking .~\ Aye, Mr. Flamborough! That we do! Oh, what rustics ! VICAR. My child! Most kindly souls! And Farmer Flam- borough a most worthy man! DICK. Aye, papa! See the cakes he brought us! BILL And oranges! [DiCK and BILL run off, following villagers.'] MOSES. [Has been gazing out of window.] His daughters me- thought well-favoured ! SOPHIA. [Taxing MOSES.] Oh, Moses ! Those blowsy, bouncing pieces with cheeks as broad and red as pulpit cushions! MRS. PRIMROSE. And from these yokels my sons must choose their wives, my girls their husbands ! MOSES. Speaking of husbands, mother, did you note how that young farmer stared at sister Livy? OLIVIA. Thanks, brother ! No country booby for me ! When I go to church 4 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAE. May it be with so worthy a man ! Come, children, be not censorious! Bather let us give thanks that MRS. PRIMROSE. Thanks ! When I think of our elegant mansion at Wake- field ! And here parlour and kitchen all in one ! VICAR. All the warmer and more snug, my dear! [Interrupts MRS. PRIMRSOE, who is about to protest.] Come, come ! Even at Wakefield did we not have our humiliations? Think how often the Squire slept through my best ser mons; how his wife returned your obeisance with a muti lated curtsey ! In spite of reverses at least we still enjoy the approbation of our consciences, and one another's love ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Nevertheless [DiCK and BILL run on, rear, exclaiming.'] DICK AND BILL. Oh, papa ! Mamma ! See the fine coach coming down the road! [MRS. PRIMROSE and daughters run to window and door and look off.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Alack! Whenever will a fine coach stop at our door again ? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 5 OLIVIA AND SOPHIA. But it is it is stopping here ! [General excitement.] MOSES. [Also looking off.] Now, by Socrates, they are the Wil- mot liveries ! [More general excitement.] GEOEGE. [For the first time interested, starts up.] The Wilmot liveries, say you? [Runs to window, looks off.] VICAR. [With emotion] Doubtless my old friend Mr. Wilmot is come to condole with me on my misfortune ! How like him! GEORGE. Also the lovely. Arabella, come to tell me that in spite of our reverses she is true to me ! Oh, rapture ! [There is a general bustle of preparation. MOSES has hardly closed the front door before there is a loud double knock on it. He is about to open it again, but is warned by signs from his mother and sisters to delay till they are ready. He then admits DR. WILMOT and ARABELLA, on seeing whom the PRIM ROSES, with the exception of the VICAR, exclaim with feigned surprise.] 6 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. [And her children.] Mr. Wilmot of all people in the world ! And I declare Miss Arabella. VICAR. [Advances with outstretched hand.] Mr. Wilmot 'Id friend this is indeed kind! DR. WILMOT. [Apoplectic with wrath] Kind, sir ! Kind ! You call it [Sputters, unable to finish.] GEORGE. Oh, Miss Wilmot ! This is too much ! ARABELLA. Oh, Mr. Primrose! [With blushing rapture] George! [George is about to embrace her] DR. WILMOT. Back, sir ! How dare you, Miss ! [Furiously interpos ing, with stick.] Back, sir, or I'll I'll VICAR. Dr. Wilmot, sir this choler ! Explain yourself ! DR. WILMOT. I explain myself, Dr. Primrose? Gad, sir; it is to you that I am come for explanations ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 7 ARABELLA. Papa ! Pray, calm yourself ! [DR. WILMOT, soothed by ARABELLA, sits, a chair being placed far him by MOSES, and a glass of wine being offered him by MRS. PRIMROSE. At last he finds breath.'] DR. WILMOT. Dr. Primrose, can you deny that for months you and I have been carrying on by correspondence a controversy at once spirited and scholarly, in which I have distinctly had the better of you! VICAR. [With spirit.'] Pardon, Dr. Wilmot! Spirited and scholarly, I grant you. But that you had the better of me ? No, sir ! I deny it ! [DR. WILMOT speechless with wrath.~\ ARABELLA. [Soothing him.'] Papa! I beg MRS. PRIMROSE. [Calming the VICAR.] Charles, my love! Consider! DR. WILMOT. At least, sir, you will admit that the bone of our erudite contention was VICAR. Monogamy, sir! With Whiston, I hold it unlawful for a priest of the Church of England to take to himself more than one wife ! 8 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DR. WILMOT. [ Agreeing J] At a time, sir ! Agreed ! One at a time, but VlOAE. At any time, sir ! Ever ! One wife till death do part. MRS. PRIMROSE. Charles, my love, I entreat you DR. WILMOT. {Flourishing stick.'] Hear him! Egad, sir- ARABELLA. Dear, dear papa, I implore you VIOAR. Moreover, sir, in support of my tenets I have published tracts tracts which DR. WILMOT. Which nobody reads ! Ha, ha, ha ! ARABELLA. Oh, sir! VICAR. Furthermore, I have already composed my wife's epitaph. DR. WILMOT. [Staring.] Your wife's epitaph! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 9 VICAR. [Pointing to framed epitaph.] Setting forth that I chose her as she chose her wedding gown, less for the lustre of its surface than for its wearing qualities. [MRS. PRIMROSE, who had looked phased at mention of epitaph, coughs, slightly nettled.] VICAR. [Continuing] Extolling her prudence, thrift, obedi ence to me, and DR. WILMOT. Aye, aye, sir! But which wife? VICAR. [Horrified at the question] Which, Dr. Wilmot? Deborah, the only wife of Charles Primrose, God bless her! [Pats MRS. PRIMROSE on shoulder] DR. WILMOT. [Splutters with laughter] Ridiculous! ARABELLA. Oh, Papa! Indeed, Dr. Primrose MRS. PRIMROSE. [Nettled] Not at all ridiculous, Dr. Wilmot! VICAR. Eidiculous? In my wife's name, Dr. Wilmot, I de mand an apology. 10 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DR. WILMOT. No offence, Mrs. Primrose! I withdraw the word! For Gad, sir ; it is not ridiculous ! It's insulting ! Insult ing to me ! VlCAE. How, sir! Insulting? DR. WILMOT. [Continuing.] When, as everybody knows, I have buried three beloved wives ! VICAR. Scandalous, sir! [The PRIMROSES try to soothe VICAR.] DR. WILMOT. In succession, mark you! VICAR. Scandalous ! DR. WILMOT. Eh, sir? Gad, sir; that is libellous! GEORGE. By heaven, Dr. Wilmot, were you a younger man- [The PRIMROSES restrain GEORGE.] DR. WILMOT. [Flourishing stick.'} Puppy! Presumptuous puppy! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 11 ARABELLA. [With a shriek.] Papa! George! Oh, heavens! [Appears to swoon. GEORGE catches her.] THE PRIMROSES. Miss Wilmot has fainted. Water ! Air ! Cut her stays open ! Burn a feather under her nose ! GEORGE. Oh, my Arabella ! Tell me tell me you are not dead ! DR. WILMOT. Puppy! Let go of her! Here, Miss! How dare you faint on the monogamous breast of a Primrose ! Throw a bucket of water over her! I warrant she'll come to, fast enow! ARABELLA. [Opening eyes.] Where am I? Oh, papa! Oh, George ! DR. WILMOT. Silence, Miss. I forbid you to George that puppy! But, come. As to our controversy, I trust, Dr. Primrose, you will admit that you agreed to a public threshing out of the matter? VICAR. Agreed to it, Dr. Wilmot ? It was I who suggested it ! DR. WILMOT. [Testily.] Well, well, be that as it may! The loser was to pay a forfeit now, what was it? [GEORGE looks conscious.] 12 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD ARABELLA. Lud, sir ! Don't you recall ? [Whispers to DR. WILMOT.] GEORGE. Dr. Wilmot my attachment for your daughter which I fondly hope is not without return ARABELLA. [Bashfully.'] Oh, George! DR. WILMOT. To be sure ! Your son ; my daughter Dr. Primrose, you admit that the loser was to double the sum of one thousand pounds that each of us had agreed to settle on the young couple ! VICAR. Admit it, sir? 'Twas I propounded it! DR. WILMOT. Then, sir, the less excuse for your taking refuge in flight ! VICAR. [Amazed and angry. ~\ Flight, Dr. Wilmot ! Surely DR. WILMOT. No evasion, Dr. Primrose ! On my way to keep the ap pointment, by the merest accident I learn that you and your family, root, stem, and branch, have left Wakefield, and are in hiding here ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 13 VICAR. In hiding ! Keally, Dr. Wilmot MRS. PRIMROSE. Charles, love ! Forbear THE OTHER PRIMROSES. [At the same time.'] Papa! Pray ARABELLA. [At the same time.'] Dear Papa! Indeed- DR. WILMOT. At least, Dr. Primrose, you will not deny that you are here? VICAR. The fact is self-evident, sir. As for flight surely, Dr. Wilmot, you received my letter? GEORGE. [To ARABELLA.] And you, madam, did you not receive the outpourings of my broken [Hand on heart.'] [DR. WILMOT and ARABELLA show puzzled surprise.} VICAR. Doubtless you set out ere it reached you. I wrote, in forming you that the merchant in town in whose hands I had lodged my entire fortune, has gone off to avoid a suit in bankruptcy has not a shilling to the pound ! At Wakefield I had always turned over my emoluments to the poor! Accordingly, to save my family from beggary, I 14 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD have accepted this small rural cure, at sixteen pounds a year! [DR. WILMOT and ARABELLA have punctuated this sentence with exclamations of surprise and sym pathy.] DR. WILMOT. [Wiping brow.'] Sixteen pounds a year! MOSES. Which we shall increase by husbandry! GEORGE. I, too, sir, set out this very night for London, there to make my fortune! DR. WILMOT. Tut, tut ! [Blows nose to conceal emotion.] Charles Primrose, you are in misfortune [Rises, opens arms.] VICAR. Wilmot! [They embrace.] This tenderness overcomes me! [Wipes eyes.] [Everyone shows emotion."] DR. WILMOT. Your emotion does you credit, sir! Gad, sir, it does us all credit! But why the deuce are you young people hanging back! Egad, Master George, when I was your age GEORGE. Sir, while the lovely person of Miss Wilmot was ever THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 15 sole object of my desire, yet considering the disparity in our present fortunes DR. WILMOT. La, La, La, boy ! Arabella has enough for both ! Take her, George ! Go to him, daughter ! Nay, lad ; never be dashed by her coyness ! The more they hang back GEORGE. Arabella ! ARABELLA. Oh, Papa! Oh, George! [GEORGE and ARABELLA embrace.'] DR. WILMOT. That's right! Buss her! Gad, when I was a young fellow [MRO. PRIMROSE has poured out wine.] MRS. PRIMROSE. A glass of my gooseberry wine, Dr. Wilmot, to toast the young people ! DR. WILMOT. Your servant, Mrs. Primrose. But, first, Charles Prim rose, most honourable of men ! {Raising glass."] VICAR. Wilmot! The perfect friend! DR. WILMOT. Amen! [They drinJc.~] 16 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD THE OTHERS. Hear, hear! VICAR. Friendship that withstands adversity ! [Toasting.'] DR. WILMOT. Friendship that nothing can change ! Nothing ! VlCAE. Amen! [They drink.] THE OTHERS. How touching! [MRS. PRIMROSE replenishes glasses.'] DR. WILMOT. Here's to matrimony! THE OTHERS. Hear, hear! [All drink the toast.'] VICAR. [Before drinking it.] Aye. Monogamy! One wife! DR. WILMOT. At a time! VICAB. Kver! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 17 DR. WILMOT. [Pausing in the act of drinking.'] What, sir ! Have I been deceived in you! VICAR. Deceived, sir? Explain yourself! DR. WILMOT. You mean to say that you retain your absurd views after the chastisement an all-wise Providence has inflicted on you, reducing you from affluence to beggary ! VICAR. Not beggary, sir. Sixteen pounds a year ! MOSES. To be increased by husbandry! VICAR. And in any case, sir, I am not a weathercock to be turned hither and thither by the winds of fortune ! Once a monogamist, always a monogamist, on principle, sir ! DR. WILMOT. Principle! On sixteen pounds a year! MOSES. Increased by DR. WILMOT. Flying in the face of Providence ! Charles Primrose, I renounce you! I shake the dust of your dwelling from my feet ! 18 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. [Nettled.] Dust, Dr. Wilmot! On my floors! DR. WILMOT. [Calling from the window.] What, ho, without! My horses ! ARABELLA. [Who has been sitting with GEORGE'S arm about her.] Oh, Papa! How cruel! DR. WILMOT. [Seizing ARABELLA'S arm.] How dare you, Miss ! Let go, sir, or by the living Jingo, I'll ARABELLA. [Weeping.] Oh, sir! Would you break my heart? GEORGE. My adored Arabella, these tears ! Oh, sir, I implore you! Mother, plead for me! MRS. PRIMROSE. Oh, Dr. Wilmot, sir, do not sacrifice these two young lives ! Be a monogamist, I beg you just this once ! THE OTHERS. [Pleading.] Aye, sir! Pray do! DR. WILMOT. Never ! What, ho, there, I say ! Deuce take those fellows ! [Calling at door, rear.] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 19 MRS. PRIMROSE. Charles, love, let not your pride force our eldest son to go through life with blighted prospects, broken heart! Just for this occasion I implore you, cease being a monog amist ! THE OTHERS. Aye, sir! Pray, pray VlCAE. Alas! My principles my conscience DR. WILMOT. Come, Miss! Principles, conscience, quotha, on six teen pounds a year! VICAR. Dr. Wilmot; let us not part in anger! DR. WILMOT. Anger, sir! When I reflect [Unable to finish. Then in a burst.] I'm going straight home to marry my fourth wife ! [Angry exit, dragging ARABELLA.] [General exclamation. The VICAR is shocked.'] GEORGE. [Slaps brow.] Alas ! Life is over for me now ! MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor lad! However VlCAE My dear son! If only 20 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD OLIVIA. [At looking-glass.] Myself I never thought her the great beauty she's reputed! SOPHIA. And, truly, brother, she lacks strength of character, or else MOSES. Take comfort, George! As one of the ancients says concerning love GEORGE. The ancients ! Love ! As for character, beauty, to me she is the one the most the only [Waves away the others who seek to console him.'} Suffer me to weep alone ! [Exit E. 2. Murmur of sympathy from all.'] VICAR. [Sadly.] Poor lad ! Yet conscience principle monog amy [Sits, reads; the others busy themselves about house hold tasks. Olivia sits in window-seat, softly play ing and singing, with guitar. A hunter's horn is heard.] DICK AND BILL. Oh, see the hunters ride by ! [Run off, rear, the others look off, with exception of VICAR.] MOSES. That one, in bravest apparel he must be some great gentleman ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 21 MRS. PRIMROSE. As I live, he's looking this way. [OLIVIA thrums on guitar, as if to say, " Is that so strange ? "~\ And, see ! He looks again! [OLIVIA thrums again.'] I vow, he's taking off his hat, and bowing ! [OLIVIA thrums again.'] VICAR. Come from the window, daughter. I would not have a stranger think thee forward! OLIVIA. Never fear, sir ! He but doffed his hat in passing, and rode on ! [Leaving window and strolling to looking-glass.~\ MRS. PRIMROSE. [Meditatively.'] None the less he looked, and looked again! Who knows but [DiCK and BILL run on, breathless.'] DICK AND BILL. Oh, papa ! Mamma ! Sisters ! That gentleman in the laced coat, he is the Squire. [All show interest.'} MRS. PRIMROSE. Squire Thornhill? VlCAB. Our landlord! MRS. PRIMROSE. The greatest fortune in the county! 22 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. Dependent wholly on the pleasure of his uncle, Sir William Thornhill. MRS. PRIMROSE. All the same. Hold up your head, my pretty Olivia ! Who knows but VICAR. The young Squire is not likely to choose a bride from among the lowly! MRS. PRIMROSE. I protest, Charles, you always dash me when I am in spirits! I tell you our girls are as handsome as you please, if they do take after me! Why should the Miss Wrinklers marry fortunes, and my children get none? VICAR. Truly, my love, I see no reason, neither; nor why Mr. Simpkins got the ten thousand pound prize in the lottery, and we sat down with a blank! Besides, Mr. Thornhill has a reputation for unlicensed gallantry ! OLIVIA. [With sudden interest, leaving the glass.] Oh, Papa! How interesting that makes him ! Is it not so, sister ? SOPHIA. [Waking -from a revery over embroidery frame.'] Eh, sister? What? OLIVIA. [Leaning over SOPHIA, mimicking her.] Eh, sister! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 23 What ! And picking her colours wrong ! I dare swear she's dreaming of that eccentric Mr. What's-His-Name ! SOPHIA. Mr. Burchell! [With slight asperity.'] OLIVIA. Aye, Mr, Burchell, who saved her from a ducking when her horse stumbled with her yesterday! MRS. PRIMROSE. [In alarm.] What, Miss? Setting your thoughts upon that that OLIVIA. [Mimicking SOPHIA, in tender accents.] Mr. Burchell ! MRS. PRIMROSE. That pauper ! That VICAR. My dear ! A most cultivated gentleman ! A traveller ! A philosopher! SOPHIA. [Gratefully to VICAR.] Truly, sir, as he walked beside me I found his conversation as improving as your own ! VlCAB. Oh, hardly that, my child! MRS. PRIMROSE. [In maternal alarm, seizing SOPHIA'S arm.] Sophia, did he pay you marked attention? 24 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SOPHIA. Indeed, no, Mamma. He only saved my life ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Surely, you never encouraged him? SOPHIA. Indeed, no, Mamma ! I only thanked him ! OLIVIA. [J 'easing."] As often as had she as many lives as a cat and he had saved them all ! MRS. PRIMROSE. This is serious. Charles, you must get rid of him, should he call ! VICAR. Fie, Deborah! Get rid of a guest, a gentleman and o MRS. PRIMROSE. A nobody ! A pauper ! And SOPHIA. [With warmth.'] My preserver! MRS. PRIMROSE. I know a way. Just as at Wakefield we got rid of our poor relations: by lending them something, a saddle, a pound, an umbrella. THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 25 VICAR. By that token, then, are we already rid of Mr. Burchell, since I lent him money! MRS. PRIMROSE. You lent him money ! Charles, what imprudence ! VICAH. My love, could I do otherwise? I found he had parted with his last guinea to the beadle to save an old, broken soldier from being whipped through the town for dog- stealing ! SOPHIA. [With tender emotion.'] How noble of him! MRS. PRIMROSE. Hm, well, 'twas a good investment! I warrant that's the last we shall see of Mr. Nobody ! SOPHIA. [Rising, with warmth.'] I dare stake my life upon his honesty ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Highty-tighty, Miss! DICK AND BILL. [At window.] Here's someone at the gate! A gentle man! [General expectation.] OLIVIA. [With delighted expectancy.'] Oh, the Squire? 26 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DICK. Nay. ? Tis the strange kind gentleman that saved sister Sophy's life BILL. And gave us gingerbread ! SOPHIA. I knew it ! I knew he'd come ! MOSES. As Sophocles remarks, a wise man gathers what to ex pect of the future from the past ! Our philosopher comes to borrow more money ! MRS. PRIMROSE. My bright boy ! You always hit the nail on the head ! SOPHIA. Mother ! Moses ! [Indignantly protesting.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. Charles; children; come within! Let him think us from home! VICAR. Woman ! I will not suffer a guest to be so entreated ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Now, my love; in matters of conscience I bow submis sively to your slightest word, but in household matters, THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 27 and [Knock at door, rear.'] Hush! Come quickly! [Gets the family off, at the right, VICAR and SOPHIA pro testing.'} [Knock repeated.'] MR. BURCHELL. [Outside.] What, ho, within ! [Opens door. Enters.] What, everyone away! Yet methought I spied the little lads, and the sweet person of my Sophia at the window! Ah, well! [Sighs.] I must not intrude. I will leave the sum the good old man loaned me so confidingly. Now, how much was it! Gladly as I'd enrich him I must not wound his pride! Now, where [Gets money from purse, considers where to lay it.] Ha ! The Bible ! Under this [Lays mon&y under Bible. About to go reluctantly, loolcs about the room.] abode of sweet simplicity, frugality, virtue, and content ! I wonder if here a man may find a bride who values him for merit alone, and not for rank, fortune, vast estates ! Who's this ? [EPHRAIM JENKINSON, disguised as a venerable old man, passes window, without seeing Mr. Burchell] It looks like It is ! My old acquaintance, Ephraim Jenkinson ! I wonder what roguery he's up to now ! I'll prove him ! [Hides behind piece of furniture. JENKINSON cau tiously opens door, rear, loolcs in, and believing the room empty, enters stealthily] JENKINSON. [Talcing his bearings.] This parson, I hear, is an easy mark ! 'Tis a shame to trick a holy man, but when one's put to it ! What's this ? [Takes tract from table, reads title.] " Tract in defence of Monogamy, by the Eeverend 28 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD Charles Primrose, Vicar of Wakefield." Good ! A knowl edge of his foibles will serve my turn. [Pocketing tract, goes up, rear.] I'll study this, then contrive to fall in with him casually, and [ME. BURCHELL quietly advances, blocks his way. JENKINSON starts.'] MR. BURCHELL. Well, Jenldnson! JENKINSON. [Recovering self-possession.'] You mistake, good sir. My name is MR. BURCHELL. Ephraim Jenkinson, whom many a time I have com mitted to the stocks for poaching, and other JENKINSON. [In panic, falling on knees.] Body and soul of me ! It's Sir William Thornhill ! Indeed, sir, I thought your Honour was still in foreign parts, or I never should have dared ! MR. BURCHELL. What are you ahout in this disguise? [With his stick pulling off JENKINSON'S wig, and disarranging his false whiskers.'] JENKINSON. [Looking foolish, pockets his wig and whiskers.] Now, Sir William, on my conscience, I MR. BURCHELL. Come, no lies ! Are you aiding my scapegrace nephew in some new deviltry? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 29 JENKINSON. No, indeed, your Worship! I haven't seen the young Squire this long time! I just put on these trappings to have a bit of fun with a friend at the fair! MR. BUKCHELL. What brings you to this house? JENKINSON. On my life, Sir William, I only stopped in to beg a drink of water! [Rises.'] And, if your Worship won't hang me for the question, what is your Honour about in this disguise? MR. BURCHELL. [Laughs in spite of himself.'] Ha, ha! Well turned, e'en if thou art a knave ! It is my whim to travel, to know my fellowmen above all, mine own tenants, in the garb of indigence ! JENKINSON. I stake my life that young Mr. Thornhill has no suspi cion of your Honour's presence in the neighbourhood! MR. BURCHELL. Neither my nephew, nor any one else dependent on me, need fear anything from my observation, so that his con science be clear! Mark that, Jenkinson! But, if I hear of any roguery I clap you into the lock-up, sure as my name is [Shaking stick.'] JENKINSON. On my life, Sir William, I'll die sooner than put it into your Honour's power to hang me ! [He goes out hurriedly.] 30 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD [ME. BURCHELL takes up hat from table where lie laid it on entering, preparing to depart. Enter R. 2 DICK and BILL, with air of great mystery, closing door behind them softly, tiptoeing toward MR. BUR CHELL, fingers on lips. MR. BURCHELL sees them.'] MR. BURCHELL. How now, my little men Dick, Bill ! DICK AND BILL. {One on each side of MR. BURCHELL.] Hush ! DICK. They're all in there, keeping mum! [Pointing E. 2.] [MR. BURCHILL looks puzzled.] BILL. They want you to think us away from home! MR. BURCHELL. Eh ? How's that ! Nay, nay ! You must not tell ! DICK. Mother says you're a MR. BURCHELL. [Hand over DICK'S mouth.'] Tush! Never repeat things that people say of people ! BILL. Father and sister Sophia wanted to see you ! They say you're THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 31 MR. BURCHELL. Eh? She cares! She says What says she of me? Nay, nay ! I must not ask ! [Hand over BILL'S mouth.'] Feel in my pockets for the fairings I have brought you ! [DiCK and BILL find each a cake of gingerbread and a whistle in MR. BURCHELL'S pockets. They ex claim with pleasure.'] DICK AND BILL Oh, a cake of gingerbread, and a whistle ! MR. BURCHELL. Yes, you must eat the whistle and blow the ginger bread ! [DiCK and BILL loolc at him enquiringly, then laugh.~] BILL. Is it because you say such funny things that mother calls you a pauper? DICK. [Hastily correcting.'] Nay, Bill. 'Tis for that father calls him a philosopher. MR. BURCHELL. Now return to your parents. Take your good mother this weasel skin purse for luck, with my service. And to your sisters each a set of ribands, and a box for wafers. This for Miss Olivia, and [giving DICK and BILL these articles'] this for Miss Sophia! DICK. Oh! Sister Sophy's box is the larger! 32 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD BILL. And her ribands are the prettier! [TJi&y go off at the right.] MR. BUECHELL. [Alone, laughs.] Ha, ha! So even here may be found ambition, pride of heart! [Voices. Enter E. 2. the family. MR. BURCHELL bows, greets them cordially. SOPHIA and the VICAR alone show cordiality in returning the greeting.'] VICAR. [Shaking hands with MR. BURCHELL.] Welcome, Mr. Burchell. MR. BURCHELL. Your servant, Dr. Primrose, Mrs. Primrose. I called to to [Slightly embarrassed, remembering that the money is hidden under Bible. Addresses SOPHIA.] I trust, madam, you suffered no inconvenience from your fall, yesterday? SOPHIA. None, sir, thanks to your heroic act in saving my life. MRS. PRIMROSE. The pond was scarce ankle deep! MR. BURCHELL. I trust, madam, 3*ou caught no cold from the water? SOPHIA. None, indeed, sir, thanks to THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 33 MRS. PRIMROSE. Thanks to a hardy constitution. You will excuse us, sir. My eldest son is about to set out for London, and we would see him on his road! MR. BURCHELL. Aha! So, young sir, you go to town? GEORGE. There to make my fortune, sir! VICAR. [To MR. BURCHELL.] You know the world, sir. Per haps you can give the lad some counsel about making his fortune ? MRS. PRIMROSE. Have the gentleman's counsels made his own fortunes? MR. BURCHELL. Well, no, madam! I can't say they have ever put one penny in my purse ! Eather the contrary ! SOPHIA. Poor, poor gentleman! MR. BURCHELL. However, if any good word of mine can aid your son MRS. PRIMROSE. [Interrupting, with hauteur.'] I thank you, sir, but our son lacks not friends ! A kinsman of ours promises him 34 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD an introduction to Sir William Thornhill, when that noble man shall have returned from foreign parts! GEORGE. [Taking hat, staff, wallet, etc.] Meanwhile unencum bered by possessions, and fortified by hope, I feel that many doors are open to me in the study and practice of law, medicine as professor of languages, living or dead as musician, actor, poet. And now, father, your blessing; mother, your embrace and on to London, in the name of the beautiful Miss Wilmot ! [Grand exit, rear, waving hat, followed by the family shouting " Good-bye! Good luck!" etc.] SOPHIA. [Hurriedly steals back to MR. BDRCHELL.] Sir, do not heed my mother's sharp tongue. Her heart is ever kind ! MR. BURCHELL. [Takes her hand, tenderly] Sophia think you, you could care for a for a philosopher who carries all his worldly goods in his philosophy ? But, no ! On so short an acquaintance I should not venture and yet SOPHIA. I might I might endure the philosopher if if MR. BURCHILL. If what, my angel? SOPHIA. If I esteemed the man! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 35 MR. BURCHELL. [Kissing her hand.] Adorable candour! Sophia [SOPHIA snatches hand away, and runs dff, rear.] I have twenty minds to proclaim my true name and rank upon the spot. And yet to be preferred for merit alone is so sweet ! [SQUIRE THORNHILL appears at window,, looks in, but does not see MR. BURCHELL. Sits on window-sill, picks up OLIVIA'S guitar, thrums, humming song.] What! My scapegrace nephew Ned ! I'll off, before he recognises me! [Hurried exit, rear. SQUIRE sings. Family return, rear, talking; VICAR and MRS. PRIMROSE wiping their eyes, with tearful tenderness. OLIVIA and SOPHIA are together. SQUIRE THORNHILL thrums and hums louder.] OLIVIA. Hark! What, does he still linger, after the rebuff mother gave him ! Your admirer may be a man of parts, my dear, but I can't compliment you on his musical at tainments. He has less voice than a crow ! SQUIRE. [Leaps in at window; advances to salute MRS. PRIM ROSE.] Your servant, Mrs. Primrose! MRS. PRIMROSE. And who may you be, my pert young sprig ? SQUIRB. Permit me to salute you! [About to kiss her. She shrieks, boxes his ears.] 36 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. Varlet ! Charles, chastise him as he deserves ! [All the others recognise the SQUIRE, and speak, OLIVIA foremost.] OLIVIA. [And otJiersJ] Mamma ! Mamma ! It is our landlord ! The Squire Mr. Thornhill ! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Curtseying, mortified and apologetic.'] Oh, sir ! Had I hut guessed SQUIRE. [Good-humouredly, rubbing his cheek.'] Perhaps the young ladies will be kinder! [Makes to salute OLIVIA.] VICAH. [Gently, interposing.'] Sir, I beg! SQUIRE. Come, come ! 'Tis a town fashion ! [ViCAR still refuses to allow it, ~by gesture.'} MRS. PRIMROSE. Why not, Charles? 'Tis a town fashion! VICAR. Sir, my daughters are but country girls! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 37 SQUIRE. Clearly! For, strike me blind if the town ever grew such roses ! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Delighted.'] Oh, sir ! Handsome is as handsome does. And, yet, though I do say it. Hold up your head, my pretty Olivia! VlCAB. Also, they are good girls, sir! SQUIRE. I'll stake my life on that if virtue be shewn by com plexion, eyes! But, come, Mistress Amaryllis, Phyllis, Chloe whatever is thy name? VlCAE. I fain would have christened her Grisel, sir after the ballad of Patient Griselda, but her mother insisted on MRS. PRIMROSE. Olivia ! SQUIRE. Come, Mistress Olivia -I'll swear to 't you have a pretty finger for the guitar and can warble like a nightingale ! [Holds out guitar to OLIVIA.] OLIVIA. [Blushing, bashful, and delighted.'] Indeed, sir, I should not venture before a cognoscento like yourself. But won't you favour us? I heard you. accompanying yourself to 38 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD perfection as we entered and indeed my music-master'f tones were not half so loud or melodious ! [SOPHIA coughs.] SQUIRE. Nay, I insist! Some favourite song by Mr. Dryden MBS. PRIMROSE. Do, my love, oblige the Squire with that sweet little melancholy air your dear papa is so fond of " Wher lovely woman stoops to folly " OLIVIA. [Takes guitar, sings.'] "When lovely woman stoops to folly, And finds too late that men betray, What charm can soothe her melancholy; What art can wash her guilt away? " The only art her guilt to cover, To hide her shame from every eye, To give repentance to her lover, And wring his bosom is to die ! " SQUIRE. [Applauds ostentatiously.'] Curse me if I ever was mor( agreeably entertained ! But I must be off ! Some day sweet Olivia, we'll mingle our lips I mean, our tones, in i duetto ! MRS. PRIMROSE. You'll taste my gooseberry wine, Squire? Hand it tc the Squire, Livy, love! 'Twas she who made it, sir! [Pouring wine.~\ THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 39 VICAR. Made from a recipe of Mrs. Primrose's own, sir! She is a notable housewife ! SQUIRE. Your servant, Dr. Mrs. Primrose, and MRS. PRIMROSE. 'Twas Olivia who gathered the gooseberries, Squire. SQUIRE. [Seizes OLIVIA'S hand.] Here's to the fingers that gathered the gooseberries ! [MOSES, DICK and BILL thrust their hands forward.] MOSES. Then must you drink to mine DICE. And mine BILL. And mine! [SQUIRE laughs, rises, setting down his glass.] SQUIRE. I shall see thee again soon ! [To OLIVIA.] VICAR. I shall see you, sir, on Sunday, I trust, at church ! SQUIRE. True! I was forgetting church I mean, I had for gotten Sunday! After service I will show the young ladies the beauties of the Hall! 40 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAB. Sir, we will defer that pleasure till the Hall shall have a mistress ! SQUIRE. A plague on being a bachelor ! But I'll not be denied ! I have two ladies visiting me cousins. Their names : let's see Lady Blarney, and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs ! [Sensation produced ~by these names.] So, now, for the present farewell ! [Takes OLIVIA'S hand.] MRS. PRIMROSE. She's scarce nineteen, sir, and I declare she's almost as tall as yourself! Back to back, and I'll measure! SQUIRE. I never turn my back on so fair a lady ! [About to kiss OLIVIA, she breaks from him.'] OLIVIA. Oh, lud ! Mr. Thornhill ! [SQUIRE laughs and makes dashing exit, rear.] MRS. PRIMROSE. What a genteel person ! Such easy manners ! And such a flow of conversation ! SOPHIA. Aye, the more trifling the subject the more he has to say on it! DICK. I like Mr. Burchell better ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 41 BILL. So do I ! SOPHIA. Darlings ! [An arm about each.] OLIVIA. For my part I think him an impudent familiar fel low [SQUIRE puts head in at window, unseen by fam ily.'] and quite shocking on his guitar ! [SQUIEE laughs, disappears.] VICAR. I must prepare a sermon on the pomps and van ities [Sits down, writes.] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Meditatively.'] My Lady Blarney, and Miss OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK AND BILL. Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs! MOSES. Hardly a classical name, but high-sounding! MRS. PRIMROSE. Ladies of quality! Pll make you girls a complexion wash! [Getting materials and saucepan from cupboard.] 42 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAE. [Overhearing, sternly J\ Woman ! I forbid it ! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Guiltily, dropping saucepan on table.'} La, Charles, my love! VICAB. How often have I told you such things destroy more than they mend. [Resumes work. MRS. PRIMROSE sadly puts away materials, etc.'] OLIVIA. [At glass, discontentedly.'] What's the good of a com plexion when one has to trudge two miles through the sun? MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor beauty! But you can ride the colt! OLIVIA. And meet my Lady Blarney on a colt minus a tail? Not I! MRS. PRIMROSE. There's Blackberry! SOPHIA. Poor wheezy old Blackberry! And should he stumble with me again Mr. Burchell might not be at hand to save me! [Stops short in confusion as OLIVIA and MOSES laugh, teasinglyJ] MOSES. I have an idea ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 48 MRS. PRIMROSE. [Proudly. ~\ My bright boy! Another? [MRS. PRIMROSE, OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK and BILL gather round MOSES, they confer in a whisper, then clap hands.] OLIVIA AND SOPHIA. [Delighted.] Oh, brother! MRS. PRIMROSE. My own boy ! You must make a fine appearance ! OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK AND BILL. Aye, that you must! [MOSES sits, DICK and BILL polish his shoe buckles. OLIVIA cocks up his hat with pins. SOPHIA reties the broad black riband bow of his queue, MRS. PRIMROSE gets his outer coat.] MRS. PRIMKOSE. Here ; put on this thunder-and-lightning coat ! MOSES. Oh, mother I have outgrown it! MRS. PRIMROSE. But 'tis of such good quality! Leave it unbuttoned to display thy waistcoat of gosling green! VICAR. Speaking of pomps and vanities [The others start 44 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD guiltily, suspend operations.] Eemember that no one is more sensible of the difference between his station and ours than our young landlord! THE OTHERS. Aye, sir! [VICAR resumes writing, they resume operations, MOSES rises, beautified, and goes, rear.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Now mind you make a good bargain ! OLIVIA. Aye, sell the colt, and bring back a fine new saddle horse ! SOPHIA. And a saddle ! MRS. PRIMROSE, OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK AND BILL. Mind you make a good bargain! MOSES. To encourage me to bargain, is, as an ancient puts it, to instruct an eagle how to fly! [He goes out, rear; the others following him, calling "Good luck! Good luck!" VICAR. [Absently, looking up from worlc.~] " Vanity of vani ties," saith the preacher Why what is this commotion? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIEID 45 [Looks from window.] And whither does Moses lead the colt? MRS. PRIMROSE. [Coming down with the others.] Now, my dear, we are to have company at church, on Sunday, and VICAR. Fear not, my love! Whether we do or not I promise you a sermon ! But OLIVIA. And, papa surely you would have us go as decently as possible? VICAR. [Nods assent.] In a spirit meek and humble. But tell me whither does Moses SOPHIA. You know, sir, he lacks a tail ! VICAR. "Will no one tell me MRS. PRIMROSE. Now, Charles ; do you like to see our daughters trudging up to our pew as blowsed and red with walking as had they been winners in a smock race? VICAR. Woman ! Daughters ! Unless some one tells me 46 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DICK. Moses is going to sell the colt at the fair! VlCAB. Sell the colt! BILL. And buy my sisters a fine new saddle horse in its stead ! VICAR. What! [MRS. PRIMROSE, OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK AND BILL all talk at the same time. VICAR raises his hands for silence.] Silence ! Run after him ! Stop him ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Oh, hy this time he will have made his bargain ! VICAR. And pray how will poor, wall-eyed old Blackberry plough without his accustomed yoke-fellow? [General exclamation of dismay.] MRS. PRIMROSE. We never thought of that! I have it! Charles, you must go sell Blackberry, and buy another new horse ! THE OTHERS. Aye, papa ! That's it ! [General bustle, getting VICAR'S hat, stick, etc.'} VlCAB. [Protesting.'] But THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 47 MRS. PRIMROSE. Now don't let them cheat you, love ! THE OTHERS. No, papa ! Don't let them cheat you ! VICAR. Woman ! Girls ! Have you no opinion of my prudence, my THE OTHERS. [Working the VICAR, rear, out of the room.'] Good-bye! Good luck ! Don't let them cheat you ! [Exit the VICAR, followed ~by DICK and BILL. MRS. PRIMROSE and the girls are jubilant.] MRS. PRIMROSE. I must get out my crimson paduasoy ! [She goes out R. 2, into the bedroom.'] SOPHIA. [Looking tenderly at the ribands given her by MR. BURCHELL.] I shall thread my cap with these his gift! [She goes out into the bedroom.] OLIVIA. [Considering.] My gauze or the flowered silk? The silk matches my complexion, and the gauze my eyes and he praised my eyes, my complexion [The SQUIRE appears at window. OLIVIA not seeing him, hums " When lovely woman " 48 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SQUIRE. [Sings.] " Stoops to folly ! " OLIVIA. [Turns, sees him.'] La, Mr. Thornhill! You? SQUIRE. [Enters, comes to her.] Knew you not I should return ? OLIVIA. But so soon! SQUIRE. Guessed you not it would be soon? OLIVIA. Pray, sir, be seated while I call my mamma, my sis ter. SQUIRE. Summon them by all means. Eouse the neighbourhood if [OuviA hesitates. He laughs, goes to her.] Ah ! The woman that deliberates is lost ! OLIVIA. [Offering guitar] Perhaps, sir, you will favour me with a selection. SQUIRE. What! When I'm quite shocking on the guitar! OLIVIA. [Embarrassed.] Sir THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 49 SQUIRE. An impudent, familiar fellow OLIVIA. Sir Mr. Thornhill SQUIRE. Whom for your own part, you don't like at all ! OLIVIA. Indeed, sir! I protest it serves you right for eaves dropping ! SQUIRE. Oh, I enjoyed it ! But, tell me ! How shall I teach you to like me? OLIVIA. Sir, is it worth your while? I am but a simple coun try girl, and you are used to ladies of the town ! SQUIRE. Not one of whom can boast half your attractions, my dear ! Curse me if ever I held a shapelier hand no more fitted for cow-milking and butter-churning than [OLIVIA snatches hand away, moves from him. He fol lows her.} Nature framed that lovely shape to be shewn off at assemblies, those little feet to dance at Vauxhall, Eanelagh; those eyes to be the toast of every coffee house in town ; those lips for 50 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DICK AND BILL. [Outside calling.'] Mamma! Sisters! Here comes Moses from the fair ! [The SQUIRE seizes OLIVIA in his arms and Tcisses her, then leaps out of window as DICK and BILL en ter, at the rear, and MRS. PRIMROSE and SOPHIA enter, talking, from the bedroom.] OLIVIA. [Hides face in hands, unnoted by all, then to herself. ~\ He despises me for a rustic. But I'll show him I can hold my own! [Enter MOSES, rear, with heavy box strapped on back.] ALL. [Greet him, eagerly.] Welcome, Moses! Welcome! MRS. PRIMROSE. Well, my boy, and what have you brought us from the fair? MOSES. [Unstrapping box and setting it on table] I have brought you myself ! ALL. Yes; but OLIVIA. Did you sell the colt? MOSES. I sold the colt! SOPHIA. Did you make a good bargain? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 51 MRS. PRIMROSE. My dear; Moses always makes a good bargain! He stands and haggles till his adversary is fairly worn out! MOSES. I have sold the colt for three pounds, five shillings, and twopence. [All exclaim, approving.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Proudly.'] Well done, my boy! I knew you would touch them off ! Come, let us have the money ! MOSES. The money ! I have laid it all out on a bargain ! [All exclaim, surprised and doubtful.] OLIVIA. [Impatiently.'] But my saddle horse? MOSES. [Opening the box, with deliberation and pride.] It was the luckiest chance. I fell in with a reverend looking man. He wanted to borrow twenty pounds on these [Tap ping box.] But he was willing to sell them outright for a fraction of their value so I took one gross, and neigh bour Flamborough the other! ALL. [Impatient.'] A gross of what? 52 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MOSES. With silver rims and shagreen cases worth double the money ! ALL. But what! MOSES. [Proudly, displaying a pair.] Green spectacles ! ALL. [Horrified.] WHAT ! You have parted with the colt for [Each seizes a pair and examines it.] MRS. PRIMROSE. A fig for your silver rims ! Varnished copper ! As for your shagreen cases A murrain on such trumpery ! You've parted with the colt for MOSES. But, mother! Why won't you listen to reason! MRS. PRIMROSE. Eeason? You blockhead! You have been imposed upon ! Marry, hang the idiot, say I ! VICAR. [Outside, cheerfully calls.] What, ho! DICK AND BILL. Here comes papa ! [All looTc conscious and hold spectacles behind them. Enter the VICAR, in high spirits.] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 53 VICAR. Well, my dears ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Did you sell Blackberry, my love? VICAR. Aye, that I did ! To great advantage ! I make no doubt I have done at least as good a day's work as Moses. [AH cough, consciously.'] It was the luckiest chance. I fell in with a gentleman who recognised me, called me by name knew me as the author of a work which he happened to be carrying with him a treatise on Monogamy. He bought Blackberry for a round figure. [All exclaim, delighted.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Where is the money, love? VICAR. [Getting paper from pockefbooTcJ] As I was unable to change a thirty pound note for him he gave me a draft on neighbour Flamborough [Great commotion, outside. Enter MR. FLAMBOR OUGH, followed by all the FLAMBOROUGHS, excited, each holding some article.] FLAMBOROUGH. Aye, I have been mos.t vilely rogued ! THE OTHER FLAMBOROUGHS. Oh, most vilely rogued! 54 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAE. Ah, neighbour! I have a draft on you! FLAMBOKOUGH. On me, Doctor? VICAR. Given me at the fair by a gentleman who spoke of you as his most valued friend a venerable man, dressed as a clergyman, named [The PRIMROSES and the FLAMBOROUGHS all exclaim. MR. BURCHELL, outside, calls, " What ho, within!" Enters hurriedly.'] MR. BURCHELL. Oh, my dear friends, I come to warn you against being rogued at the fair by the greatest knave unhung one Ephraim Jenkinson disguised as a clergyman. [General exclamation. The VICAR is amazed. Each PRIMROSE and each FLAMBOROUGH puts on the pair of spectacles he or she holds. The VICAR by signs shows that he is enlightened. MR. BURCHELL laughs in spite of himself. The others are forced to join in his laughter despite their discomfiture.] CURTAIN END OF ACT I. ACT II ACT II The same scene as Act I. A few weeks later. Evening; candlelight. The sound of music pipe, tabour and -fiddle is heard outside, and the voices of the young people who are dancing. Moonlight streams through the window. DISCOVERED: The VICAR, MR. FLAMBOROUGH and MRS. PRIMROSE, the two men smoking pipes, and watching the dancers from the window. FLAMBOROUGH. Miss Livy's feet seem as pat to the music as its echo ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Little chit! For all she does it so cleverly she has stolen her steps from me ! [VICAR laughs, comes to MRS. PRIMROSE, and pats her shoulder.] FLAMBOROUGH. They make a well-matched couple. Miss Livy and MRS. PRIMROSE. [With sudden interest, looks out of window.] Who? Oh, Farmer Williams ! [Disappointed.] 57 58 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD FLAMBOROUGH. [Coming from window.} By the way, young Williams has asked me to put in a good word for him with you. It was all over with the lad the first time he set eyes on Miss Livy! And MRS. PRIMROSE. [Disgusted.'] Farmer Williams, indeed! FLAMBOROUGH. [Continuing.'] It's a rare chance, neighbours ! I'd wish no better for one of my own girls. MRS. PRIMROSE. [With pride.} Thanks, sir! A good match mayhap for Miss Flamborough, but when it comes to Miss Prim rose ! VlCAB. Tut, tut, wife ! I have a high opinion of Mr. Williams. He seems prudent, and sincere! FLAMBOROUGH. As fine a fellow as ever trod shoe-leather, sir. VICAR. And, I take it, in easy circumstances. FLAMBOROUGH. Aye. A warm man, able to give your girl good bread. It's a rare chance. His mother has lately died, and his farm needs a manager. THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 59 MRS. PRIMROSE. Hoity-toity! A manager! VICAR. Deborah ! This pride of heart ! FLAMBOROUGH. Pride comes before a fall ! Let me tell you [Excited voices are heard outside. OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK and BILL enter, rear, followed ~by MR. BUR- CHELL, the MISSES FLAMBOROUGH, MOSES and FARMER WILLIAMS.] OLIVIA, SOPHIA, DICK AND BILL. [Entering.'] Oh, Papa, Mamma! There's a fortune- telling gipsy outside! OLIVIA. She has promised the Misses Flamborough each a rich and handsome husband ! [The MISSES FLAMBOROUGH titter, taxed by MOSES, FARMER WILLIAMS, and others. FLAMBOROUGH laughs at them.'} SOPHIA. [To VICAR.] Please give us each a shilling to cross her palm with silver! MRS. PRIMROSE. Why, my dears, 'twas but yesterday I gave you each a guinea ! OLIVIA AND SOPHIA. Aye, mother, but [Stop short.'] 60 THE VICAR jOF WAKEFIELD DICK. You bade them not to change it, mother! You told them MRS. PRIMROSE. Hush, Dick ! [Hand over DICK'S mouth.'] BILL. Aye. You told them just to carry it for the honour of the family! [MRS. PRIMROSE tries to hush BILL. The others laugh.] VICAR. [Gives each daughter a shilling.'} There ! May it bring you your heart's desire ! OLIVIA AND SOPHIA. Oh, thank you, sir ! A rich and handsome husband ! [Run off, gaily, accompanied ~by the others, with the exception of MR. BURCHELL, who remains.] MR. FLAMBOROUGH. [Seriously.'] Speaking of husbands Doctor, I say it' as one father to another ! Gossip is busy with your girl's good name ! Miss Olivia VICAR. [Horrified] What! Mr. Flamborough! My Olivia! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. [Nods assent, sadly] The young Squire indeed there's THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 6l scarce a farmer's daughter within twenty miles but has found him successful and faithless! Eh, Mr. Burchell? MR. BURCHELL. I grieve to say I believe it to be true ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Marry, what then? A reformed rake ever makes the best husband ! VICAR. I deny it ! Not the best ! MRS. PRIMROSE. As good as the best, then ! MR. BURCHELL. If Mr. Thornhill intended marriage ! But, as I happen to know, he is paying his addresses to an heiress a Miss Wilmot ! VICAR. What! My son George's mistress, the lovely Arabella? MRS. PRIMROSE. A trumped-up tale, I'll warrant! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. Meanwhile the parish is buzzing with scandalous reports ! MRS. PRIMROSE. The parish is envious ! 62 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. Hush, Deborah! The parish is over-censorious. Our landlord has hut called here once or twice, sent us a side or so of venison, and once condescended to partake of our goose and dumplings ! [MR. FLAMBOROUGH coughs. MR. BURCHELL is silent. MRS. PRIMROSE looks conscious.] So, gentlemen, though your caution is well-intentioned, [Excited voices outside. Enter OLIVIA and SOPHIA.] OLIVIA AND SOPHIA. Oh, papa, mamma! It's beyond belief! OLIVIA. That gipsy I believe she deals with someone who's not quite right! Within a twelvemonth, she declares, I'm to be married! SOPHIA. And so am I! MRS. PRIMROSE. Last night I dreamed of a coffin and crossbones, sure sign of a wedding ! OLIVIA. And I saw a ring in the candle 1 SOPHIA. And I a love-knot in my cup! VICAR. Amazing! But to whom are you to be married? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 63 OLIVIA. That is the wonderful part ! To a squire ! MRS. PRIMKOSE. Aha! What say you to that, Mr. Flamborough ? MR. FLAMBOROUGH. [Earnestly.'] God send it may be true, madam ! [Goes out, rear.~\ SOPHIA. And I'm to have a baronet! MRS. PRIMROSE. Aha! What say you to that, Mr. Burchell? MR. BURCHELL. [Delighted.] God send .it may be true, madam! [SOPHIA exclaims, disappointed in him; he hurriedly cor rects himself.] I mean my dearest life [SOPHIA goes out, rear, pouting. MR. BURCHELL follows, protesting] [OLIVIA sits, and happily plays softly on guitar, hum ming her song.] VICAR. Olivia come hither, my girl ! I have just had an offer for thee ! OLIVIA. [Overcome with joy.] Oh, papa! Has he really spoken? Oh, mother, give me joy! Oh, Fm the happi est but why is he himself not here? VlCAB. Shall I call him? fc THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD OLIVIA. Aye, call him. Edward Ned! [Running to the door.'] VICAE. [Holding her lack.'] Olivia Fanner Williams- OLIVIA. [Stops short, amazed, and heart-broken.] Farmer Williams! Oh, I thought [Breaks into sobbing.] VICAR. My child, this is serious ! Has Mr. Thornhill discov ered a secret attachment for thee ? MRS. PRIMROSE. Secret when he comes daily [Stops short.] VICAE. [Amazed.] What ! MRS. PRIMROSE. While you and Moses are harvesting, my love, to instruct Olivia in picquet ! And to retail the wit of the playhouses ere it passes into the jest-books. VICAR. When she had far better be employed in sewing, or bak ing ! Do you ever see the Squire alone, Olivia ? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 65 OLIVIA. Now and then, sir while out walking by accident. VICAR. Ah, then there is foundation for gossip ! But, Farmer Williams I myself have seen you lavish tenderness on the young man ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Only when Squire Thornhill was present, my dear to spur him on! OLIVIA. That is all, truly, sir! As for Farmer Williams the great oaf to take it to himself ! VICAR. Hm. Yet, somehow, your ruse seems not to have suc ceeded ! [SQUIRE, humming song, passes window.] Here comes the Squire now. I shall question him ! MR. PRIMROSE. Nay, Charles. Leave him to me! [Pushes VICAR and OLIVIA behind screen.] SQUIRE. [Opens door, rear, enters. ~\ Olivia Ah, Mrs. Primrose. They told me I should find her here. MRS. PRIMROSE. She's off wandering by herself in the moonlight, Squire, no doubt thinking of somebody ! Pray, sir, let me con- 66 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD gratulate you on your approaching marriage. Miss Wil- mot is not only a fortune, but as some think, a beauty ! SQUIRE. Miss Wilmot! Now strike me ugly if ever I looked twice at such a fright! MBS. PRIMROSE. And, yet, sir, 'tis the warm fortunes get the good hus bands ! And, while we're on that subject, can you recom mend me a husband for my Olivia? SQUIRE. Madam, I known no one who deserves such a treasure. Olivia is a goddess ! She's an angel ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Ah, Squire you flatter my poor girl. We are even now considering a proposal from Farmer Williams. SQUIRE. What ! Sacrifice such beauty to Never ! I cannot ap prove! I have my reasons! [Going up.~\ MRS. PRIMROSE. [Following 'him.'] Your reasons, sir ! If I might know your reasons SQUIRE. Madam, they lie buried here ! [Hand on heart. Exit.'] {The VICAR and OLIVIA emerge. During this scene the VICAR has wished to interpose, but has been held THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 67 back by OLIVIA, who by signs shows her satisfac tion. MRS. PRIMROSE by nods and winks has signed to the VICAR how cleverly she thinks she is manag ing the interview. He shakes head, dubiously. ,] MRS. PRIMROSE. Well! OLIVIA. Papa ! Can you doubt his sentiments, the exalted nature of his passion? VICAR. To me it savoured more of love than of matrimony! Hark you, my child. I put no constraint upon your feel ings. But neither will I let you trifle with honest Wil liams. If [Music; voices outside, calling OLIVIA.] OLIVIA. Papa; I promise you that if within a week the Squire has not declared himself, I will marry Mr. Williams ! VICAR. That is my dutiful child ! [Kisses OLIVIA. All three go out.'] [SQUIRE leaps in at window. LADY BLARNEY and Miss SKEGGS look in at window.'] LADY BLARNEY. Hang it, Ned! You don't expect us to follow you at that gait ! [SQUIRE opens door, rear. Miss SKEGGS enters.'] 68 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD Miss SKEGGS. So this is where your Perdita lives, eh? The abode, no doubt, of virtue! LADY BLAKNEY. [Entering, rear.'] Oh, hang your virtue! What have we to do with virtue! SQUIRE. A truce to jest! The business in hand is this. On some pretext or another, get the girl to town or, as the sisters have never been separated, both girls! [LADY BLARNEY and Miss SKEGGS nod assent.'] But, guard your tongues. If you rip out an oath ware! LADY BLARNEY. Now curse me if I [Claps her hand over her mouth.] Miss SKEGGS. Let us pray! LADY BLARNEY. Amen! SQUIRE. My gipsy trick has paved the way. [Voices, laughter heard outside.'] Also I have already mentioned you as my cousins. LADY BLARNEY AND Miss SKEGGS. [In fits of laughter.] Your cousins ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 69 SQUIRE. Your names let's see. Aye. Lady Blarney, and Miss Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs! [The women laugh louder.'] LADY BLARNEY. I speak for my Lady Blarney. Miss SKEGGS. And I for Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs. [Voices and laughter outside, nearer.] SQUIRE. [Leading them hurriedly out at R. l.~\ This way through the scullery. Best make your entrance when they are gathered within ! LADY BLARNEY. [Following Mm, with a swagger.] My Lady Blarney's carriage stops the way ! Miss SKEGGS. [Following her.] Make way for Miss Carolina Wilhel mina Amelia Skeggs! [Exit, laughing and swaggering.] [Enter, rear, the PRIMROSES, the FLAMBOROUGHS, FARMER WILLIAMS, and OTHERS, also MR. BUR- CHELL. They are playing blindman's luff. MR. BURCHELL, blindfolded, catches SOPHIA as they enter.] DICK. 'Tis odd how Miss Flamborough always catches Mr. Williams ! [General laughter.] 70 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD BILL. And how Miss Mollie always catches brother Moses! [More laughter.] DICK. And how Farmer Williams always catches sister Livy ! BILL. And how sister Sophy always catches Mr. Burchell ! [General laughter. DICK and BILL are hushed up.] ALL. Now what shall we play ? SOME. Hot cockles ! OTHERS. Aye! Hot cockles. OTHERS. Questions and commands! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. Play a sitting game so that we elders can join in! VICAR. I fear we lack chairs enough ! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. A squatting game, then ! [Delighted laughter from others.] Hunt the slipper! ALL. [Applaud.] Aye, aye! Hunt the slipper! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 71 MR. FLAMBOROUGH. Down on your hams, everybody ! [They form a ring, sitting on the floor. MR. FLAM- BOROUGH is just tying a handkerchief over OLIVIA'S eyes when there is a loud double knock at door, rear.~\ ALL. What's that ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Some trick, I make no doubt ! Come in ! {Knock re peated.'] Are you deaf, you idiot ? Come in ! {Throws door wide open.~] {Footman in livqry announces.'] FOOTMAN. My Lady Blarney, and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs ! [General consternation. Some rise slightly, then sink l)ack on to floor, the others remain as if glued to floor.] [Enter LADY BLARNEY and Miss SKEGGS. FOOTMAN closes door behind them from outside.] MRS. PRIMROSE. My Ladies death and confusion! Won't you do us the honour to Moses chairs ! [MosES places chairs in centre of circle.] OLIVIA. [Going up, and leaning against dresser.] The Squire's cousins Oh, what a mortification ! 72 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD LADY BLABNEY. [Clearing throat.] Ahem! Miss SKEGGS. [Also clearing throat.] Ahem! MR. FLAMBOEOUGH. [Out of nervousness.] Ahem ! [The MISSES FLAMBOROUGH stop him.] LADY BLARNEY. [Indicating the MISSES FLAMBOEOUGH.] The Misses Primrose ? [The MISSES FLAMBOEOUGH, overcome ~by confusion, bury their heads on their father's shoulders.] MES. PRIMEOSE. [Indicates, introducing.] My daughters, Olivia and Sophia. LADY BLARNEY. Our cousin Thornhill promised us the pleasure of meet ing you young ladies at church some weeks ago. [The PEIMROSES looked conscious, the FLAMBOROCGHS amused.] OLIVIA. An accident happened to our horses! LADY BLARNEY AND Miss SKEGGS. Oh, vastly sorry ! SOPHIA. But we were not injured ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 73 Miss SKEGGS. Oh, monstrous glad ! DICK. Moses sold the colt [Someone hushes him up.~\ BILL. And papa sold Blackberry- [Someone hushes up BILL. A pauseJ} MRS. PRIMROSE. Fools, are ye glued to the floor ? The young people were playing a game, your Ladyship ! LADY BLARNEY. Skeggs, my dear creature, do you hear? They were playing a game ! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. Aye; Hunt the Slipper! Won't you ladies join in? Come, squat down on your hams. [He is sharply checked.] Miss SKEGGS. By the living Jingo, games always throw me into a muck of a sweat! [All at first start, shocked, then nod as if to say that this doubtless is a fashionable expression. MR. BUR- CHELL, disgusted, sits facing the fire. There is an other pause, during which the two strangers, still seated in the centre of the circle, whisper together. They now speak out loudJ\ 74 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD I assure your Ladyship, his lordship turned all manner of colours, my Lady fell into a swoon, but Sir Tomkyns, drawing his sword, vowed [Some of her hearers, in awe-struck tones, echo, " His LORDSHIP ! SIR TOMKYNS ! HER LADYSHIP ! "] MR. BURCHELL. [Disgusted."] Fudge ! [The PRIMROSES look annoyed with MR. BURCHELL.] LADY BLARNEY. [Speaking audibly.'] And my Lord Duke cried out three times to his valet de chamhre, " Jernigan, Jernigan, Jernigan, bring me my garters ! " [All except MR. BURCHELL seem impressed.'] MR. BURCHELL. [Loud and disgusted.'] Fudge ! Miss SKEGGS. Won't your ladyship favour me with a sight of the verses you made on the occasion? LADY BLARNEY. My dear creature, do you think I carry such things about with me? Miss SKEGGS. Except your ladyship's little pieces, and those of our dear Countess, there's no high life nothing but the most lowest stuff comes out in the Lady's Magazine .' THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 75 MR. BUECHELL. Fudge ! [The PRIMROSES show annoyance with him.'] LADY BLARNEY. Oh, hang it all! [Everyone starts, slightly shocked.'} as the dear Princess of Wales says ! MR, BURCHELL. Fudge ! Miss SKEGGS. True ! Nothing goes down at the playhouses excepting Shakespeare! Though of course it is too diverting when that dear, droll Mr. Garrick plays Shylock! LADY BLARNEY. Aye. For diversion, give me Shakespeare, and the Musical Glasses! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. What are the Musical Glasses? {He is promptly suppressed.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Speaking of taste, your Ladyships, our family recently sat in a group to a travelling limner. I myself was de picted as Venus, modestly, yet modishly, attired, with a diamond stomacher DICK. The painter had to imagine the diamonds! [MRS. PRIMROSE hushes up DICK, and continues.] 76 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. My husband, in gown and bands, was presenting me with his famous treatise on monogamy ! [MR. BURCHELL laughs.] LADY BLARNEY. Vastly humorous ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Olivia as an Amazon, wore a green Joseph. Sophia was a shepherdess. BILL. With as many sheep as the painter would throw in for nothing ! [BILL is suppressed.] LADY BLARNEY AND Miss SKEGGS. Vastly droll ! MR. FLAMBOROUGH. The Flamboroughs were painted separately. Seven Flamboroughs, each holding an orange ! [MR. BURCHELL laughs approvingly. The PRIMROSES show that they consider this vulgar.] DICK. But our picture has to stay in the scullery where it was painted ! [DICK is suppressed.] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 77 BILL. It is too larged to be moved ! [BILL is suppressed. The FLAMBOROUGHS show amusement. ] LADY BLARNEY. Monstrous entertaining! Well, my dear creature, as I was saying: My reader, an orphan, has left me, and I despair of replacing her. Thirty pounds a year is a small stipend for a well-bred girl of character! [MRS. PRIMROSE shows sudden interest.] Miss SKEGGS. That I know, having tried three new companions this last half year! Virtue, dear Lady Blarney, is worth twenty-five guineas a year ! Deuce take it, virtue is worth any price but where is virtue to be found? MR. BURCHELL. Fudge ! [The PRIMROSES show annoyance.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Has counted on her fingers.] Thirty pounds, and twenty-five guineas a year going a-begging! Your Lady ships. Pardon but my girls can read, write, cast ac counts, broadstitch, cross and change, pink, point, frill; they know something of music, they can do up small clothes, work on catgut; my eldest can cut paper, and my younger has a pretty knack of telling fortunes upon the cards ! 78 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MR. BUECHELL. Fudge! [LADY BLARNEY and Miss SKEGGS exchange glances.] Miss SKEGGS. As far as I can tell, the young ladies seem very fit for such employments ! LADY BLARNEY. Aye. And to see a little more of the world would greatly improve Miss Olivia! Miss SKEGGS. And a winter in town would make quite another thing of my little Sophia ! MR. BURCHELL. Fudge ! Miss SKEGGS. But a matter of this kind, madam, requires a thorough examination into character ! [MR. BURCHELL nods assent.'] LADY BLARNEY. [Rising.] We will consult my cousin Thornhill. Not that we suspect the young ladies' prudence, virtue, and discretion, but there is a form in these things, madam there is a form ! Miss SKEGGS. [Also having risen.] Aye, there is a form! MR. BURCHELL. Fudge ! [MOSES opens door. FOOTMAN, standing outside, calls THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 79 " My Ladies' carriage ! " The ladies pass out with haughty inclinations. The PRIMROSES bow them f.] MR. FLAMBOROUGH. [Rising slowly from floor, his example being followed by all the FLAMBOROUGHS and FARMER WILLIAMS, shakes his head slowly.] Shakespeare and the Musical Glasses ! [The other FLAMBOROUGHS and FARMER WILLIAMS echo him. Taking his hat, he goes to the door, imitating the ladies, and saying.'] There is a form in these things, my dear madam ! There is a form ! [He goes out, followed by his family, FARMER WIL LIAMS, and other guests. The VICAR shaTces his head, doubtfully. The other PRIMROSES show great pride and importance.] MR. BURCHELL. [Takes his hat and stick to go. Looks from MRS. PRIM ROSE to OLIVIA and SOPHIA and back again. Angrily.] Fudge ! [He goes out hastily.] [CURTAIN.] [END OF ACT II.] ACT III ACT III Same scene as Acts I and II. The day after Act II. Late afternoon. DISCOVERED : OLIVIA and SOPHIA folding dresses and pack ing a trunk OLIVIA gaily, with snatches of song, SOPHIA sadly sighing. THE VICAR and MOSES play ing backgammon. MRS. PRIMROSE setting tea. DICK and BILL poring over a volume. OLIVIA. My flowered, silk, my gauze, my lute-string ! Tra-la-la ! SOPHIA. My cap with the ribands he bought me Heigh-ho! VICAR. A capital game backgammon! MOSES. Aye for the winner! [Laughs, taxing VICAR with losing."] DICK. [Spelling out.] Musical Glasses. A musical instru ment, consisting of 83 84 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. [Pausing to look over children.'] What book have you there, children? DICK AND BILL. Dr. Johnson's Dictionary! BILL. [Spelling out words.] Musical Glasses a musical in- trument MRS. PRIMROSE {Proudly patting children's heads.'] Bless you ! I shall live to see thee, Dick, a professor, and thee, Bill, a bishop, yet! OLIVIA. London! La, la! SOPHIA. [Mournfully.] London ! Heigh-ho ! DICK. [Scrambling down from the chair.] Sister Livy Why do you sing? OLIVIA. Because I'm going to London! SOPHIA. Heigh-ho ! BILL. Sister Sophy, why do you sigh? SOPHIA. Because I'm going to London! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 85 MOSES. London brings Livy as much nearer her heart's desire as it takes Sophy away from hers! MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor dear ! But as my Lady Blarney remarked, Lon don will qualify Olivia for a higher sphere, while as for Sophia, as Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs truly said [A loud double rap is heard at the rear door. All show surprise.] MOSES. [Having seen from the window who it is.] A servant in the Thornhill liveries! [Going to the door to open it.] OLIVIA. [In surprise.] Why 'tis an hour before the ladies were to send for us ! [MOSES receives a letter from the servant, and gives it to MRS. PRIMROSE.] MRS. PRIMROSE. A letter. Children, run after the man and give him seven shillings! [Giving a coin to the children, who run outside with it.] VICAR. Seven shillings ? My love ! What extravagance ! 86 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD MRS. PRIMROSE. Now, Charles thirty pounds and twenty-five guineas a year fifty-six pounds, five shillings, English money se cured by my good management [Meanwhile opening the letter, and reading it. Sud denly she gives an exclamation. OLIVIA and SOPHIA read over her shoulder. All three exclaim with horrified amazement.] THE VICAR AND MOSES. What is it? MRS. PRIMROSE. This is the work of envy! The ladies, having received some ill report of our daughters, have set out to town without them. [VICAR and MOSES echo the horrified amazement.] OLIVIA. What can it mean ? 111 report and no London ! Oh, oh, oh! [Bursts into tears.] SOPHIA. I can forgo London but ill-report Oh, oh, oh ! [Bursts into tears.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Envy of your good fortune, your superior accomplish ments, your beauty our family distinction! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 87 VICAR. Now may heaven discover to me who maligns my chil dren! [Enter DICK and BILL, excited, with a pocketbook.~\ DICK AND BILL. Papa ! Mamma ! See what we have found ! A pocket- book! MRS. PRIMROSE. Ah ! 'Twas this morning a purse bounced out of the fire into my lap ! I'll warrant you 'tis money, sent to console us! VICAR. [Taking pockefbook and examining it.'] We must as certain the owner, in order to return it ! No name ! MRS. PRIMROSE. 'Tis but a penniless pouch! What are these: notes? VlCAE. Aye; that the owner will not grudge you. "Keflections of a Philosopher ! " [SOPHIA shows sudden interest. ~\ MRS. PRIMROSE. Marry, I have no use for such! [A sealed letter drops out. It is picked upJ] What's this ! " Copy of letter sent to Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs ! " The key to the mystery ! [All exclaim. MRS. PRIMROSE about to open letter.] 88 .THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. [Hastily interposing.'] My dear ! You would not break a seal ! MRS. PRIMROSE. What ! When you yourself just now called on heaven to discover to you the traducer of your daughters' fame ! [All except VICAR assent to this view.'] VlCAH. Natheless a seal! MOSES. As Matthew Prior says, " The end justifies the means." Why not Break the seal to learn the owner's name ? MRS. PRIMROSE. My bright boy ! As ever you hit the nail. SOPHIA. Papa ! Mamma ! The philosophy proclaims the owner Mr. Burchell ! [General sensation.] MRS. PRIMROSE. To be sure! The viper that has warmed himself by yonder fire, eaten at this table, borrowed money! VICAR. My love! He repaid the money most honourably! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Nods assent.] To ingratiate himself with you, and THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 89 worm himself into the affections of this misguided child! Mark me, this is a plot to prevent Sophia from being removed to a sphere beyond his reach! SOPHIA. Mother, you wrong him! Poor, poor gentleman, when he is not here to defend himself! My life on his good faith ! Prove him, I say. Eead the letter ! [Snatches letter, breaks seal, glances at contents, shrieks, falls into chair sobbing. All exclaim.] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Seizes letter, reads.] As I thought ! " I will not have simplicity imposed upon, nor virtue contaminated." [Great sensation.'} SOPHIA. Virtue contain Oh, how could he! OLIVIA. Simplicity imposed on! The perjured villain! MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor girl ! But 'tis best your eyes should be opened ! DICK AND BILL. [Seeing MR. BURCHELL pass window, cry out.'] Oh, here comes Mr. Burchell! [All exclaim.] MRS. PRIMROSE. The hardened villain! Let him not darken our doors! [Seizing a broom, or some household implement.] 90 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. Nay, love! I'll confront him with his treachery! [Taking letter. A knock at door.} MOSES. Catch him by guile! I'll think up some quotation! [Knock repeated.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. Come in ! [Enter MR. BURCHELL, cheerfully. DICK and BILL run to him.] MR. BURCHELL. Good morrow, friends! MRS. PRIMROSE. [With sarcasm, and snatching DICK and BILL away from him.] Good morrow, friend! [MR. BURCHELL looks puzzled. A slight pause.] VICAR. [Trying to ~be stern at a sign from MRS. PRIMROSE.] Ahem. A fine day, sir! MR. BURCHELL. A very fine day, Doctor, though I fancy it bodes rain ! But I find you in a merry mood ! [Looking about him, puzzled.] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Breaking into sardonic laughter.] Ah, ha, ha, ha! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 91 A merry mood, indeed! Pardon, sir, but I do love my joke ! MR. BUKCHELL. Dear madam, I pardon you with all my heart, for I con fess I see no joke ! ALL. He sees no joke! Ah, ha, ha, ha! {Echoing MRS. PRIMROSE'S sarcastic laughter.] MOSES. [With a sudden idea.'] I have it! "An honest man's the noblest work of God ! " What say you to that, Mr. Burchell? [All show approval.'] MR. BURCHELL. Unworthy of Pope's genius, sir! Men, like works of art, should be measured by the greatness of their virtues rather than their freedom from defects! [The PRIMROSES exchange glances, as if to say, " That proves him guilty!"] VlCAH. Ahem! Look me in the eye, sir! Do you know this pocketbook ? MR. BURCHELL. [Feels in pocket; misses pocketbooTcJ] Aye, sir! 'Tis mine ! I am glad you found it ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Brazen effrontery ! 92 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. And can you deny that you wrote this infamous epistle ? MR. BUECHELL. I certainly wrote that letter, sir ! But as for calling it infamous [SOPHIA shrieks.] SOPHIA. Oh, perjured wretch! [Swoons.'] MR. BURCHELL. My Sophia senseless! [Runs to SOPHIA.] MRS. PRIMROSE. Viper ! You have killed her ! DICK. She can only see out of the corner of one eye! SOPHIA. [Recovering.'] I'm better now! Unhand me, villain! MR. BURCHELL. [Still more puzzled.] Villain ? OLIVIA. Oh, how could you accuse me of imposing on the sim plicity of my Lady Blarney? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 93 SOPHIA. Or me of contaminating the virtue of Miss Carolina [Sobs overcome her. The rest conclude for her.'] ALL. Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs ! [A light suddenly breaks on MR. BIRCHELL, and lie laughs uncontrollably, to the horror of all.~\ VICAR. Wretch ! My cloth forbids me to avenge this outrage ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Oh, that my son George were here to chastise you as you deserve ! [GEORGE outside, gaily shouts.~\ GEORGE. What, ho! Father mother sisters brothers! [Entering, ragged and travel-stained.'] THE PRIMROSES. George ! Welcome ! Welcome ! [They embrace him.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. You come in the nick of time, my son ! Yon perjured ingrate has outraged hospitality traduced, slandered, ma ligned your family! [GEORGE pauses in the act of shaking hands with MR. BURCHELL.] 94 THE VICAR OF WAKE FIELD GEORGE. What is this! Never mind particulars! An insult to the honour of my family ! Choose your weapons, sir ! MR. BURCHELL. Fudge ! [All exclaim. ~\ GEORGE. How? A poltroon, as well as ingrate? MR. BURCHELL. My boy, I could have you clapped into jail for duel ling ! While as for those who have broken open my pocket- book a sealed letter Don't you know that all I have to do is to swear against you at the next Justice's, and I could hang you all up at the door! {Horrified exclamation from all."\ MOSES. He's in the right ! Such is the law ! [DiCK and BILL run to MR. BURCHELL and fall on their knees before him, clasping him, crying.'} DICK AND BILL. Oh, dear, kind Mr. Burchell! Please don't hang us! MR. BURCHELL. [A hand on the head of each.] Bless your curly heads ! Hang you? Fudge! \He goes out hurriedly. The PRIMROSES exchange amazed glances, as if the situation defied expres- THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 95 sion. OLIVIA and SOPHIA ruefully unpack the trunk. GEORGE seizes a hunk of bread from the table and eats ravenously.'] VICAR. You have not made your fortune, then, my son ? GEORGE. Not yet, sir! I boarded a ship to Amsterdam with a view to teaching English to the Dutch. I felt they would love it to distraction ! Accordingly I offered my services to every intelligent-appearing person I met with in the streets. In vain! No one understood me! [The others show some amused interest.'] MOSES. And then? GEORGE. After many experiments I became usher in a school! Up early in the morning browbeat by the mistress, tor mented by the boys ! Can you dress hair ? Have you the stomach of an ostrich? Can you sleep three in a bed? Then you won't do for usher in a school ! May I die by an anodyne necklace, but I'd rather be under-turnkey in Newgate than usher in a school! MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor boy ! But don't give up hope ! GEORGE. Hope, mother? No one was ever born with a better 96 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD knack of hoping ! To-morrow I again set forth to conquer London, in the name of the beautiful Miss Wilmot but, first, I will get you to set a stitch or so in these ! [Shows his rags. MRS. PRIMROSE laughs, and leads GEORGE off into the bedroom, R. 2. SOPHIA sadly carries off a bundle of clothes from the trunk. MOSES takes his coat off, gets milking cans, and goes.} VICAR. [Puts on his hat, takes his Bible, and goes, R. 1.] I have a sick parishioner to visit. I'll be back soon ! [He goes out. The two children follow him.'] OLIVIA. [Alone, kneeling by the trunk, buries her face in hands.} "When lovely woman stoops to folly" Heigh ho! SQUIRE. [Looks in at the window. Echoes her.} Heigh ho ! OLIVIA. [Looks up, rises.} Ned! [Squire leaps in, meets her. They embrace.} SQUIRE. Why weeps my pretty one? OLIVIA. You ask? Do you not know that my sister and I go not to town with your cousins? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 97 SQUIRE. Was your heart so set on London? OLIVIA. Only because because of SQUIRE. Eanelagh, Vauxhall, the playhouses? OLIVIA. No, no! You ! I cannot bear the thought of part ing! SQUIRE. Nor I! OLIVIA. But you will go away! What attraction can the coun try hold for you, come winter? SQUIRE. I mean to carry my attraction with me ! 'Tis for that I am come! [Opens arms to her.'] OLIVIA. Ned ! What mean you ? Oh, oh ! For shame ! SQUIRE. My good girl, what can I do ? My fortunes are depen dent wholly on the pleasure of my uncle, Sir William Thornhill, who insists on my paying my addresses to an heiress ! 98 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD OLIVIA. Then it is true! Oh, go, go! SQUIRE. Then you do not love me ? OLIVIA. I I love you. But without honour Oh, sir! [Buries face in hands, cries.] SQUIRE. Oh, curse these scruples! Olivia, my sweet. Damn virtue ! OLIVIA. No more, Mr. Thornhill ! Pray go before my father mother oh, the shame of it! SQUIRE. [Wrapping her cloak about her.~\ My own virtuous girl, I did but try you ! Come ! I know a priest who'll wed us secretly. OLIVIA. Wed us ? Oh, sir ! Ned, dearest ! But I will be wed by no priest but my own father! SQUIRE. Then you'll never be wed to me ! Never, I tell you, un less we keep it secret till 'tis done! Very good, then! I'll be off to my heiress ! \Ma~kes to go.~\ THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 99 OLIVIA. Oh, Heaven ! Ned, Ned ! I love you so I'll e'en do as you say. Oh, father, mother, forgive [SQUIRE hurries her out, by the door, rear, as MOSES, preceded by a clanking of milk pails, enters, R. 1, GEORGE renewed as to attire, enters from the bed room with MRS. PRIMROSE and SOPHIA, R. 2. The VICAR enters, R. 1, takes off his hat, lays down his Bible, and mends the fire. MRS. PRIMROSE goes to the window, claps her hands and calls.'} MRS. PRIMROSE. [Calling.'] Children ! Children ! Come to tea ! [SOPHIA lights the candles. The children come run ning in, rear. The family sit at table.} VICAR. [Lifting hand.} Let us give thanks to but where ia Olivia? [All look about, wondering.} DICK. Sister Livy went off [Suddenly claps his hand before his mouth.} BILL. She went off with [Claps his hand before his mouth.} VICAR. Children! What mean you? DICK. He bade us not tell ! 100 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAE. Come hither! Who bade you? Answer as before your God I DICK AND BILL. The Squire! DICK. He carried sister Livy off in a postchaise ! BILL. She was crying! [Exclamation of horror from all. The VICAR quietly rises, and takes his hat and staff. GEORGE and MOSES go to him.] GEORGE. Sir, trust me to avenge this wrong! MOSES. Father let me go in your stead! [The VICAR shakes his head, then after a pause, speaks.'} VICAR. Nay, for then I might also lose a son. [J. hand on the shoulder of each.] ' You, George, go seek your fortune, and you, Moses, guard the home till my return. I will go find my daughter. [His voice breaks; a slight pause.] But first, let us pray ! [All, sobbing quietly, Jcneel, and bow their heads. The VICAR opens the Bible, and lifts his hand.] CURTAIN END OF ACT III. ACT IV ACT IV Evening. A few weeks after Act III. A plain room in a wayside public house. At the back a door to the bar. On the left a door to the interior of the house. On the right, a window, a fireplace with fire. Else where are sideboard with glasses, pewter, etc., and a table with writing materials of the period, and chairs. On the walls are framed prints, also a looJcing-glass. DISCOVERED: LANDLORD ushering in the VICAR, who looks tired and travel-worn. LANDLORD. What will your Honour be pleased to order? VICAR. [Talcing off his cloak, etc.~\ A room for the night and mine host's company over a pint of wine! LANDLORD. [Bustles off, rear.'] Yes, sir. Thank you, sir! VICAR. [Warming hands.] Olivia Olivia! LANDLORD. [Enters from the bar with bottle, and gets glasses from 103 104 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD the sideboard.] Your honour will have travelled far to day? VICAR. This inn being on the road to the races I suppose many gay parties stop here? LANDLORD. Well may you say so, sir. We have all kinds, at the Sign of the Harrow! VICAR. [Pledging him.'] Your good health ! LANDLORD. And yours, sir. Thank you, sir ! As I was saying VICAR. And bridal couples? For instance, a man, young, fa voured of fortune a profligate heart masked by every charm of person and address. The girl, nineteen, beauti ful, high-spirited innocent ? LANDLORD. [Scratches his head.] Well, no, sir. I can't exactly say LANDLADY. [Calling at the door, outside, on the left.] Mr. Symonds Mr. Symonds LANDLORD. My wife! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 105 LANDLADY. As usual, soaking with the guests while the house is going out of window ! LANDLORD. Yes, my dear! Coming, coming [Pauses to finish wine.] I just was waiting on a guest! [Runs off at the left.'} VICAR. The same story. No one has seen her! [He sits before the fire, his head bowed in his hands. GEORGE,, neatly but poorly attired, enters from the bar, and looks about. Seeing the VICAR'S back Tie addresses him, with a slightly theatric manner.'] GEORGE. Your pardon, venerable sir, if I interrupt a learned revery. I solicit your patronage for a performance to night of that dramatic masterpiece " The Fair Penitent," the part of Horatio to be undertaken by a young gentleman who has never before appeared upon the stage [The VICAR has recognised GEORGE at beginning of this speech, but listens with interest to the close, then turns.'] VICAR. George ! GEORGE. [Amazed, embracing the FICAR.] Father! Any news of my sister? 106 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. None! None; none! But Olivia is my care. About yourself ? Any signs of fortune ? [Motioning him to take wine.'] GEORGE. [Helping himself to wine.'] Signs, sir? Aye; signs of the most glowing description though, so far, nothing but signs ! Arrived again in London I fell in with an agent, who, in return for my last half guinea, promised me a position in America as Secretary to an embassy from the synod of Pennsylvania to the Chickasaw Indians. My heart beating high with hope, I was about to embark in the name of the beautiful Miss Wilmot, when by chance I learned that myself and my companions were being trans ported to America, there to be sold as slaves ! VlCAH. Horrible ! GEORGE. Stung with the indignity, I was looking about me for any gulf that might be yearning to receive me, when I fell in with a company of strolling players who were seeking someone to replace one of their number who had fallen ill. While acting is not learned in a day, I, they declared, was born to tread the stage ! The manager swears he has never seen any one who bids so fair to excel ! Where ex perience in emotional expression fails me, he bids me shrug as thus! Or behave as if convulsed with a fit of the gripes ! [He illustrates. The VICAR smiles.'] But I must THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 107 off to the playhouse, which in this instance consists of our landlord's barn! VICAR. Good luck, my lad ! GEORGE. I thank you, sir in the name of the beautiful Miss Wilmot ! [Theatric exit, left. A commotion is heard outside the window, in which are distinguished the voices of DR. WILMOT and ARABELLA.] DR. WILMOT. [Angrily calling.'] Here, you landlord ! LANDLORD. [Outside.] Coming, your Honour ! VICAR. [Looking from the window.'] What is this I see: a chaise broken down with my old friend Dr. Wilmot, and my son's mistress, the lovely Arabella ! LANDLORD. [Opening the door, at the rear.] In here, your Honour ? DR. WILMOT. Certainly not, sirrah ! A private room for us the best in the house! LANDLORD. Of course, your Honour! This way, your Honour! Wife, attend the young lady ! 108 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD [The LANDLORD, LANDLADY, DR. WILMOT and ARA BELLA are heard going upstairs, at the left. ARA BELLA saying, "Oh, la, what an escape!" etc., and DR. WILMOT cursing the postilions, etc.] VICAR. [Relieved.'] Thank Heaven I do not have to meet them ! How could I face them with this load of shame ! Olivia ! Olivia ! LANDLORD. [Enters, bustling, from the left.'] I believe I was about to drink your Honour's health when VICAR. [Indicating the wine.'] Help yourself! LANDLORD. Thank you, sir! That gentleman who just arrived Dr. Wilmot, a clergyman high temper, sir! His daugh ter, a beauty and a fortune. [Speaking while pouring out the wine. He bows to the VICAR and dririks.~] DR. WILMOT. [Calls very loud, outside on the left.~] Landlord ! Is there no making any one hear ! LANDLORD. [Bustling to the door at the leftJ] Yes, sir ! Coming, your Honour ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 109 DR. WILMOT. [Very loud, outside, left.'] When Squire Thornhill ar rives, announce him to us instantly! LANDLORD. Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! VICAR. [Overhearing, agitated, starts up.'} Squire Thornhill! Then it is true [Stops the LANDLORD, who is going out.] Another glass of wine with me, good friend! LANDLORD. Why, now, sir Thank you, sir ! [Pouring the wine.] VICAE. You were saying, Dr. Wilmot, and his daughter they are expecting some one? LANDLORD. The young lady's future husband, sir. He is to meet them here and ride on with them to pay a round of visits to their grand relations. VlCAH. And his name is ? LANDLORD. His name ? Your Honour's good health ! [Drinks.] 110 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD DR. WILMOT. [Very loud, outside.'] Landlord! Egad, if that varlet does not bring me hot water LANDLORD. Yes, sir! Coming, sir! [The sound of horse's hoofs is heard in the court yard.'] SQUIRE THORNHILL. [Calls outside.] What ho ! Boy ! LANDLORD. 7 Tis he now, sir! Mr. Thornhill! [Bustling, opens the door, rear.] VICAR. Now God give me patience to endure this! SQUIRE. [Outside.] Is there no one to attend me ? LANDLORD. ' This way, Mr. Thornhill! In here, your Honour! [The SQUIRE, in riding dress, enters, rear.] SQUIRE. I see hy their equipage that Dr. and Miss Wilmot are already here! LANDLORD. Aye, sir! Their compliments, and they will be pleased to have you join them so soon as may be. THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 111 DR. WILMOT. [Angrily shouting, outside.] Does that blockhead of a landlord want his skull broken? LANDLORD. Yes, sir ! Thank you, sir ! [Bustles off at the left.] SQUIRE. [Surveys himself in the looking-glass.] A trifle travel- worn and fagged, but now for the fair Arabella! [As he goes towards the left, the VICAR intercepts him.] VICAR. Wait, Mr. Thornhill! SQUIRE. [Starts, T}ut recovers his self-control.] Dr. Primrose! This encounter is unexpected as delightful! But what do you so far from home? VICAR. [Not noticing the SQUIRE'S extended hand.] You ask? You! I am seeking my daughter! Where is my daughter ? SQUIRE. [Affecting surprise.] Your daughter? VICAR. Olivia. SQUIRE. Why where should Miss Olivia be except at home ? 112 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. Home ! You took her from her home and us ! SQUIRE. I ? My good sir, this is madness ! I protest LANDLORD. [At the door on the left.~] Pardon, Mr. Thornhill, but Dr. and Miss Wilmot are sitting down to a bit of supper and SQUIRE. My homage to them, and 'tis neither the fault of eager ness nor of my appetite that I am not with them, but LANDLORD. You were thrown from your horse, sir, and are changing your dress. Quite so, sir. Thank you, sir ! [He disappears at the left.'] SQUIRE. Gad, Dr. Primrose; but for your gray hairs, your cloth ! Come, let me pass without more ado ! VICAR. Not till you have answered me. Where is my girl? SQUIRE. Now strike me senseless if I read your riddle ! If pretty Miss Livy has gone astray I'm sorry for you with all my heart! But why fasten the blame on me? A THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 113 VICAR. Because you came to the house and SQUIRE. With her mother's approbation, encouragement, paid her a few trifling attentions ! On my soul I'm sorry for you, Doctor, but Miss Wilmot is waiting for me ! VICAR. Miss Wilmot can spare you, sir! Her affections are fixed, not on you, but on another my son George ! SQUIRE. Preposterous pretension! A charming fellow George, but is he in a position to address a lady of Miss Wilmot's expectations ? VICAR. I own that just as present he is not. However LANDLORD. [Appearing on the left.'] Pardon, Mr. Thornhill, but while their chaise is being repaired Dr. and Miss Wilmot will witness a performance by a company of strolling players in the barn "The Fair Penitent" the part of Horatio to be taken by a young gentleman who has never appeared, upon the stage ! VICAR. My poor George ! 114 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SQUIRE. Anon! Anon! I am detained by a poor petitioner one of my own tenants! LANDLORD. I made them some such excuse in your name, sir. SQUIRE. Gad, you're a very decent fellow. Here. [Gives gold to the LANDLORD.] LANDLORD. Aye, sir. Thank your Honour! [He retreats, left, but lingers to listen.'] SQUIRE. A truce to this folly. Dr. Primrose, my word of honour I know nothing of your daughter. What more can. you re quire ? VICAR. Your written word, sir ! SQUIRE. Oh, if that be all ! Landlord, writing materials ! LANDLORD. [Bustling, gets the writing materials from the side- looard and places them on the table.'] Yes, sir ! [The LANDLADY, outside, is heard scolding, OLIVIA faintly protesting. ~] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 115 LANDLADY. Out upon you! Pack, this minute with a sassarara! Infamous piece of trumpery ! Out, I say, or I'll give thee a mark thou won't be better of these months ! OLIVIA. Oh, madam ! Pity an unfortunate ! LANDLADY. Pity on such as you, you vile creature ! Out with you ! VICAR. What is that? LANDLORD. My wife, sir, disposing of a young woman who has taken up lodgings here but, I judge, by her over-civility, with out cross or coin to bless herself with I VlOAB. What manner of young woman [ Going to look, rear.} SQUIRE. [Interposes, looTcs.~\ It is It is Olivia! [To 'himself, then to the VICAR.] Ha, ha! As ill-favoured a bit of baggage as ever walked the earth freckled, pock-marked, limping, squinting [The LANDLORD coughs slightly, as if to say " There's more in this than would appear! "] 116 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VlCAE. Poor soul! SQUIRE. [To LANDLORD.] Nathless Here! Settle her reckon ing, and let her go her way in peace! But mention not my name, or I shall be overrun with beggars and wan tons! VICAR. [Interposing, as the LANDLORD is about to take the money from the SQUIRE.] Nay. Rather let me be the one to help the wretched woman! [Gives the money to the LANDLORD.] Give it in the name of a bereaved father and an unfortunate girl ! [LANDLORD bows and goes out. rear.'} SQUIRE. [Sits at the table, and writes. To himself,] Gad, what an escape! LANDLORD. [Appears at the rear.] The young woman prays her blessing on your Honour! [The VICAR bows. The LANDLORD disappears.] SQUIRE. [Pushes the paper toward the VICAR.] There! Does that content you? VICAR. [Reads the paper, and bows in slow assent.] We'll have this witnessed! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 117 SQUIRE. [Dashes down the pen impatiently. 1 Hang your punc tilios! Is there no end to this? [GEORGE, outside on the left, is heard calling.~] GEORGE. Father! Father! [Enters at the left.'} Oh, my dear father ! VICAR. George! In the nick of time. But why this distress? GEORGE. I am one of those useless objects that nature designs to be thrown into her lumber room, there to perish in ob scurity ! My attitude assumed thus ! My mouth open to deliver Horatio's opening line when Lo ! In the front row of chairs behold the beautiful Miss Wilmot! The lady shrieked and swooned I burst into a flood of tears, and attempted to leap down to her rescue but was forcibly held back by the manager, and as forcibly warded off by her angry father! [The SQUIRE bursts into laughter. GEORGE recog nises him.'] SQUIRE. Your pardon, George! But, curse me if I ever Ho, ho, ho! GEORGE. Mr. Thornhill! I pass over the insult to myself but my sister Where 118 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SQUIEE. [Starts up, furious.'] Now stab me if I'll stand this ! First the old man, and now the young. VICAR. [Interposing.'] George, Mr. Thornhill pledges his word of honour that he knows naught of our beloved! [Holds out the paper to GEORGE.] GEORGE. [Glances at it with a sneer.] Aye, father! His word of honour ! I was at the University with Mr. Thornhill ! [Seizes the SQUIRE.] Answer me! Or I'll DR. WILMOT. [Outside, rear.~] Well, now, curse it all, if Mr. Thorn- hill despises our company ARABELLA. [Soothingly.'] Pray, sir, calm yourself! GEORGE. Her voice! SQUIRE. Curse it, let me go ! LANDLORD. [Appears at the rear.~\ Pardon, gentlemen but Dr. and Miss Wilmot are ready to depart ! SQUIRE. HI join them forthwith! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 119 LANDLORD. Aye, sir! [Disappears.'] SQUIRE. [Struggling with GEORGE.] Here, let me go! GEORGE. [Holding the SQUIRE, as he goes, rear.'} We all will go and tell Miss Wilmot Olivia's story ! Come, father ! SQUIRE. As you please ! Publish the story of your sister's shame but fasten it on me, and 'twill be interpreted as a vile trick to promote your own suit at my expense ! VlCAB. He is in the right, George! [Outside is heard the sound of coach wheels depart ing.'] LANDLORD. [Appears at the rear.] I told them you'd catch up with them, sir! SQUIRE. You're an honest knave! [Throws the LANDLORD money.] LANDLORD. True, sir! Thank you, sir! [Picks up the money and disappears. GEORGE has reluctantly yielded.] 120 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SQUIRE. [Taking his hat and whip.] George, I deceived your father for his own heart's sake but you will I not deceive ! Olivia wished to see the world. She left home with me. {There is a hasty movement from GEORGE. The VICAR restrains him. The SQUIRE lifts his hand to stay GEORGE.] Oh, 'twas indiscreet but nothing more! I loved her but feared to displeasure my uncle by choosing a bride not of my own station. However, as daily my passion for her increased, I should have defied prudence, interest and married her only [He breaks off, as if unable to go on for emotion. The door on the left opens softly and slowly, and OLIVIA ill, worn, and poorly clad, enters a little way, as if about to supplicate forgiveness. Seeing the scene in progress she stands, listening, unseen by all.'] VICAH. [Tense with emotion and expectation.'] Only- Well? GEORGE. Proceed! You would have married my sister only? SQUIRE. She died I [OLIVIA starts, horror-striolcen.'] VICAR. What my darling Olivia dead ? THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 121 GEORGE. My sister dead? [The SQUIRE nods yes, with bowed head. OLIVIA is about to go to the VICAR, but is irreso lute. GEORGE speaks fervently, struggling with his sobs.'] Dead ! Thank God ! VlCAB. The cup is bitter, but, aye! Thank God! [OLIVIA gives a faint cry, as of a wounded animal and runs off at the left. All turn, but see nothing.] What I thought I heard ! GEORGE. 'Tis naught! [Goes to the VICAR and embraces him, in sorrowful si lence. The SQUIRE bows, and goes out at the rear. His horse's hoofs are heard, galloping off.] VICAR. God bless thee ! To-morrow I go home home ! GEORGE. And I'll off once more to London, in the name of [Breaks into sobbing, and goes out at the back. Moon light. OLIVIA'S song, very faint and ghostlike, is heard. The VICAR sits, brooding.] VICAR. Home! Without my darling! [Listens.] What! I could fancy her voice the little song [He beats time. At the conclusion he breaks down, sobbing.] Oh, God! Thy Will be done! But [OLIVIA enters, softly, at the left, and stands watching the VICAR.] 122 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD shamed, deserted, I'd rather know thee living hold thee in these arms [OLIVIA makes a slight sound. He loolcs up, and sees Tier, but is unable to believe her in the flesh.~\ Olivia thy phantom! Ah, dear Heaven cheat me not! [OLIVIA goes to him, kneels beside him, puts his hands upon her head, as if entreating forgiveness, and clasps his ~knees.~\ OLIVIA. Father ! VICAE. My child! CURTAIN END OF ACT IV. ACT V ACT V Scene I, a prison cell. Scene II, outside the VICAR'S cottage. A few weeks after Act IV. A prison cell, dimly lighted by a high, grated slit of a window, and furnished only with a truss of straw for a bed. A jug for water stands in one corner. The only entrance is a grating door now standing open. DISCOVERED: MRS. PRIMROSE, SOPHIA, DICK and BILL, listening and weeping, while from the room beyond issue sounds of hooting, groaning, hissing and ribald laughter, through which the VICAR'S calm voice is heard, praying. Enter MOSES. MOSES. [Embraces MRS. PRIMROSE.] Cheer up, mother ! See ! Here are my week's wages. Good Mr. Flamborough is giving me steady employment ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Oh, my son! But, hearken thy father SOPHIA. Mother mother They are becoming quieter! Father is winning them at last ! [The noise has died down somewhat. All listen.'] 125 126 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD VICAR. {Heard, finishing the Lord's Prayer.'] "On earth as it is in Heaven forever and ever. Amen ! " [There is a murmur outside, part reverential, part derisive. The VICAR enters, his wig askew, his gown in disorder, carrying a Prayer-book and Bible. His aspect is serene, benign. All run to greet him, saying, "Oh, sir! Oh, father! Oh, papa!" etc.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. Charles, my love ! Oh, how shamefully have these jail birds used my husband. [Setting the VICAR'S dress right.'] VICAR. Nay, my dear. On the whole I had an excellent congre gation. In church often I could scarce keep my hearers awake but I encountered no such difficulty with my fel low-prisoners ! [The word " prisoners " causes the others to weep anew.~\ Well, Moses, and how have you fared? MOSES. Well, sir. Good Mr. Flamborough will employ me stead ily at liberal wage and she sends you these delicacies with her love. [Showing a "basket which he carries.'] VICAR. [Quizzically. ~] She? MOSES. [Slightly confused."] Miss Mollie Flamborough! [All laugh, taxing MOSES.] THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 127 VICAR. We will sup on them with grateful hearts. And after that MRS. PRIMROSE. [Interrupting, with a sudden idea.~] Would not Mr. Flamborough advance the money to pay our arrears of rent? MOSES. It seems that a delegation of my father's parishioners, headed by our good neighbour and Farmer Williams, have already waited on the Squire, offering to discharge the debt but, in vain ! Mr. Thornhill hath his own sinister motives for keeping my father a prisoner! [MRS. PRIMROSE begins to storm angrily. The VICAR soothes her.~] It is thought that if you would submit yourself to the Squire, make no further demands on my sister's behalf, would free you! VICAR. What! Cease to demand justice for my child! Even though it was but a mock marriage, with which the vil lain deceived her, to Olivia it was real, binding. Before God she is his wife, and so shall I maintain if he keeps me in prison for it till I die! [MRS. PRIMROSE weeps louder.'] Come, love; let us put our trust in the Lord! So, my little ones, you still insist on sharing your father's cell? DICK. I will not leave my father! 128 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD BILL. Nor I! [Each child takes hold of a hand of the Vicar.} VlCAE. Then it seems to me we are very well off! MRS. PRIMROSE. Well off, forsooth! In prison! VlCAE. Our minds are our own, and free. Our souls are God's. At least we enjoy the blessings of a clear conscience and one another's love ! But where is my darling Olivia ? SOPHIA. Sir, my sister still feels herself unable to join our group. MRS. PRIMROSE. [With asperity.'} Small wonder! After the disgrace she hath brought on us! VICAR. Wife ! This pride of heart ! [Shakes his finger at MRS. PRIMROSE, warningly.} But, come. Let us give an hour to recreation. MOSES. A chapter from the ancients! On philosophy! MRS. PRIMROSE. [With a gesture of disgust.} Philosophy! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 129 DICK. The ballad of Patient Griselda ! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Same gesture.] Patient ! Patience, forsooth ! BILL. "Turn Gentle Hermit of the Dale!" MRS. PRIMROSE. Bless the child, 'tis forty stanzas long! SOPHIA. That moving fable by Mr. Gay that Mr. Burchell read to us, about two lovers, struck by lightning in each other's arms ! MRS. PRIMROSE. Marry! Mr. Burchell! [Enter JENKINSON.] JENKINSON. Pardon this, intrusion, sir but I would speak with you! VICAR. [Inviting him in.] Pray, sir, make yourself one of us ! JENKINSON. [Laughs shamefacedly.] I doubt I am worthy of that ! VICAR. I refuse my company to no man who desires it, sir. ISO THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD JENKINSON. Doctor do you not recall me? VICAR. [Smiles with benignity.'] I have some reason to, my friend. The first day I attempted to preach to my fellow- prisoners you spat on me. The second, you placed an obscene jest book between these sacred pages. The third, you picked my pocket of my spectacles. To-day you gave the message I brought your reverend attention! [Hand out to JENKINSON.] JENKINSON. [Hangs Ms head, not taking VICAR'S hand."] Sir I am your penitent ! But we met for the first time some months since, when you sold me a wall-eyed horse in exchange for a false note! [The VICAR exclaims, amazed. JENKIN SON turns to MOSES.] And you, young master, I cozened out of a tailless colt, for a gross of worthless green specta cles! [All exclaim, amazed.] VICAR. But it was a venerable man MOSES. Dressed as a clergyman. [JENKINSON laughs, sheepishly.] JENKINSON. Ever my most fetching disguise! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 131 VICAR. I forgive your past rascality for your present honesty! [They shake hands.] MOSES. But how came you to select me as your dupe ? Me ! JENKINSON. My lad, any sharper would have picked you out as the easiest of marks, the mother's darling that you were, with your broad black riband, and waistcoat of gosling green! [All laugh at MOSES.] But, to my errand. The jailer, who is the most humane of his kind that ever I have met, asks a favour of you to share your cell with a young man to whom prison is a new experience ! VICAB. By all means! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Indignantly.] What! Share your wretched accom modations with a jail-bird ! VICAR. My love, what am I! Bid the young man join us, Mr. JENKINSON. [Supplying name.'] Ephraim Jenkinson at your service. [Exit. MRS. PRIMROSE. My love, you carry complaisance too far! Wretched as is our present state, when our son George returns from the West Indies with a fortune 132 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD [A clank of chains is heard. JENKINSON ushers in GEORGE, manacled. All exclaim, breathlessly.'] GEORGE. [With eyes cast down.'] Oh, sir, pardon an unfortunate ALL. George ! GEORGH. [Looks up, recognises them.~\ What! Father mother ! Here ! [They all embrace him.] MRS. PRIMROSE. My boy! Then you are not on the road to fortune? GEORGE. Aye, mother ! On the road ! Ever on the road ! Meanwhile [He tries to take some food from the basket, but is unable because of his shackles. MRS. PRIMROSE feeds him. He speaks with his mouth full.] After leav ing you, sir, at the Sign of the Harrow, I went to London. I had always thought highly of the Muses, so I tried my hand at literature. I took up my pen VICAE. In defence of monogamy, I trust ! GEORGE. Hardly, sir, since I saw no prospect of my ever having even one wife! [All give a slight laugh.] No. I poured out my soul in poetry, only to find that it spells starvation ! THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 133 MRS. PRIMROSE. My poor boy ! [Feeds him again.'] GEORGE. Accordingly I prepared to embark for the West Indies, in a beloved named. But before leaving England I felt that I must strike one blow for the honour of the family. Accordingly, I sent a challenge to Mr. Burchell ! [All exclaim.'] SOPHIA But why? GEORGE. For the infamous epistle in which he slandered you and >oor Olivia. SOPHIA. George we misread that letter. Those two creatures whom we took for ladies of quality their names were not ALL. [Supplying the names.'] Lady Blarney and Miss Caro lina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs. SOPHIA. They were two vile women of the town. It was our simplicity which that noble gentleman would not suffer to be imposed upon, our virtue he would not see contami nated ! GEORGE. How I have wronged him ! How gladly would I proffer him this hand [Holds out his manacled hands.'] But, in vain! My challenge miscarried. I found myself com- 134 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD mitted for attempted duelling, by order of Sir William Thornhill ! [All exclaim with sympathy.'] But why, sir, are you here ? VICAR. A short tale, and shorter shrift. Imprimis, Mr. Thorn- hill lied to us. GEORGE. To you, sir but to me oh, hardly ! VICAR. To both ! Your sister lives. GEORGE. Olivia! Thank God! ALL. Amen! VlCAE. The villain deceived her with a mock marriage. Fear ing that I should expose him to his uncle, Sir William Thornhill, who had returned to England, he took advan tage of some slight arrears of rent to have his steward drive our cattle, and cast me into gaol, here to languish while his marriage with Miss Wilmot takes place. This is their wedding day! GEORGE. [Burst of tears.] Good heavens! MRS. PRIMROSE. There, there, love! [Offers to feed him.] GEORGE. N"ay, mother ! Let me starve to death ! In the name of the beautiful Miss Wil THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 135 ushers in ARABELLA in bridal array.'} ARABELLA. George ! GEORGE. What ! Do my senses play me false, or ARABELLA. George ! I fear this is unmaidenly, but GEORGE. Arabella! Come to these arms [Tries to open his arms.] I mean, this breast! [They embrace.'] DR. WILMOT. [Is heard approaching, in a rage.~\ Where is that shameless hussy ! Where ARABELLA. [Shrieks.] Oh, lud! Papa! I am undone! Protect me, George! [DR. WILMOT enters.] DR. WILMOT. Where are you, Miss ! Unhand her, sirrah ! Let go, Miss! [Seizes ARABELLA.] On the way to the church! Zounds, I've twenty minds to ARABELLA. [Clinging to GEORGE.] Papa, even the crushed worm will turn ! DR. WILMOT. Aye, but you're not a worm; you're my daughter! and 136 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD you're only crushed by hugging that penniless young fool ! Here, you come with me, or ARABELLA. Papa! I tell you I do not love Mr. Thornhill! DR. WILMOT. Gadzooks, Miss, you will love him ! I insist on it ! If you don't come peaceably and wed the husband of my choosing, voluntarily, I'll get an order from Sir William Thornhill to have you put in the stocks! [ARABELLA shrieks.] GEORGE. Oh, heaven, sir 1 This is too cruel ! VICAE. Dr. Wilmot, pray, forbear ! DR. WILMOT. Oh, Charles Primrose Charles Primrose this all springs from your absurd adherence to Monogamy ! [All talk at the same time. JENKLNSON ushers in MR. BURCHELL.] MR. BURCHELL. Good morrow, friends ! [All exclaim with surprise.'] DR. WILMOT. [Overjoyed.'] The man and the hour! I was just about to seek you, to THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 137 MR. BURCHELL. [Checks DR. WILMOT.] A moment, Doctor, before we undo this coil. Provided she'll have me, may I take this young woman to wife ? {Indicates SOPHIA.] VICAR. [Takes SOPHIA'S ~hand.~\ I could not give her more willingly. [MR. BURCHELL turns to MRS. PRIMROSE, as if asking her opinion.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Grudgingly.] Well, sir; seeing what we have sunk to, I fear the poor girl won't get a better chance ! [MR. BDRCHELL smiles, and tucks SOPHIA'S hand un der his arm.'] MR. BURCHELL. Now to this pair of lovers. \_Indicates GEORGE and ARABELLA. JENKINSON ushers in the SQUIRE in wedding attire.~\ SQUIRE. Dr. Wilmot, Miss Wilmot ! What means this ? On my way to the church I received a summons to meet you here here, of all places for a love tryst! [Suddenly per ceives MR. BURCHELL, and starts with frightened surprise.] Good God, sir! You? MR. BURCHELL. [Nods assent.] 'Twas I who sent for you! Ned, do you love Miss Wilmot? 138 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD SQUIRE. I protest, sir MR. BURCHELL. No evasions ! Suppose her penniless SQUIRE. [With a slight, sneering laugh.] As, in a way, she is, sir. Last night, according to legal forms, her wealth was transferred to my custody! I shall not hesitate to claim it, whether she comes to church with me or not. [Exclamation from all.] DR. WILMOT. [Threatening SQUIRE with his stick.'] Of all hardened villains [He choices, unable to finish.'] GEORGE. My own ! If possible I love thee a thousand times bet ter penniless! DR. WILMOT. Then take her, sir! As for you, Ned Thornhill [Again threatening.] MR. BURCHELL. One moment, Dr. Wilmot. Jenkinson, you have a word to say, I think. JENKINSON. [In the manner of one paying old scores.] That con veyance of Miss Wilmot's fortune is not worth the parch- THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 139 ment 'tis writ on, Squire. [All turn to JENKINSON, eagerly.] You already have a wife ! [General exclamation.] SQUIEE. [Hurriedly. ] Sirrah ! Explain ! JENKINSON. Aye. She that was Miss Olivia Primrose. 'Twas no mockery, that ceremony ! To pay off some old scores, I thought to have a whip over you, so fetched a real priest ! MRS. PRIMEOSE. Then my girl is an honest woman ! JENKINSOK. As ever book and ring could make one ! [The PRIMROSES show devout thankfulness, which is also showed by ARABELLA.] SQUIRE. Hm! [He shows a conflict of emotions, walking to one side of the cell, and standing in thought, his face turned to the wall.'] MR. BURCHELL. [To the others, in a subdued tone.] Hst! I'll test him! Whatever I say, contradict me not! [The others assent by sign, and listen interestedly. MR. BURCHELL walks toward the SQUIRE.] But, never fear, Ned. Thy 140 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD matrimonial fetters need not bind thee ! Wed whom thou desirest ! Olivia is dead ! [All start, as if to contradict. ME. BUECHELL mo tions them to silence.] SQUIEE. [Turns slowly toward ME. BUECHELL.] Nay, sir! I but said it for a purpose ! [OLIVIA, ushered by JENKINSON, appears at the en trance and stands there, listening, seen by all ex cept the SQUIEE.] ME. BUECHELL. As you thought ! But grief and shame have done their fatal work ! The innocent victim of your profligacy, your wife Olivia is no more! SQUIEE. [Looks at him, as if to say, " Is this true ? " MR. BUE CHELL bows as if to say, " It is true! " The SQUIRE bursts into sudden tears.'] Oh! God, forgive me! I loved her ! Olivia ! OLIVIA. [Going to him.~\ Ned! [The SQUIRE turns, and seeing her, gives a glad cry. Theiy embrace silently. The others weep.~\ MR. BURCHELL. [With a sudden, cheerful change of tone.] But, come! This is no time for tears ! My good Jenkinson, inform the jailor that I have ordered a festive dinner for the prison ers. Meanwhile these two captives are released. THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 141 JENKINSON. [Bowing low.'] Aye, your Lordship! [The PRIMROSES have shown amazement all along, at MR. BURCHELL'S assumption of authority. They now exclaim with undisguised curiosity.'] MRS. PRIMROSE. But prithee, sir, who are you to work such wonders? MR. BURCHELL. Dear madam, just a philosopher, and your humble servant ! DR. WILMOT. [Agape at MRS. PRIMROSE'S question.] Why, bless my soul ; who but my old friend SQUIRE. My uncle JENKINSON. Sir William Thornhill! [Amazed exclamations from the PRIMROSES. MRS. PRIMROSE makes an abject curtsey to MR. BUR CHELL, who laughingly reassures her. General re joicing follows.'] SCENE II EPILOGUE. A curtain is lowered in front of the group, shutting out the prison scene, and showing the exterior of the VICAR'S cottage, in a wintry scene. The sounds of pipe and labour are heard approaching from one side, mingled with voices of VILLAGERS sing ing a Christmas carol. Enter VILLAGERS, headed by 142 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD ME. FLAMBOROUGH, Jiis family, and FARMER WIL LIAMS, and at the same time from the opposite side enter the group from the prison, appropriately cou pled, GEORGE now being free of shackles. As the two parties meet the VILLAGERS set up a shout of rejoicing and welcome.] MR. FLAMBOROUGH. [Meeting the VICAR, with outstretched hand.] Dear Vicar VICAR. Friend! Good neighbours all! VILLAGERS. welcome ! Welcome ! Welcome home ! VICAR. [His hand lifted, as if in blessing.] The God who heeds a sparrow's fall, Hath brought me safely back! MR. BURCHELL. [Cheerily, to MRS. PRIMROSE.] Come, come ! A glass of gooseberry, good dame, To toast all maids who'd change their name ! [There is general laughter. MRS. PRIMROSE goes to one side, as if to enter the cottage from the back, and reappears with a tray of wine which she passes around. Meanwhile the couples range themselves, THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 143 MOSES between Miss MOLLIE FLAMBOROUGH and JENKINSON ; FARMER WILLIAMS ~by Miss FLAM- BOROUGH; ARABELLA between DR. WILMOT and GEORGE; OLIVIA with SQUIRE; SOPHIA with MR. BURCHELL; the two children clinging to MRS. PRIMROSE'S skirts.] ARABELLA. Dear sisters, if 'tis George you love, Though cruel sire would give you Ned DR. WILMOT. [Protesting.'] Now, daughter! ARABELLA. Hush, sir! DR. WILMOT. [Protesting.] dods above! ARABELLA. [Puts her hand over his mouth, and continues.] Just cling to George, or die unwed ! GEORGE. [Drinking to ARABELLA.] Oh, yet I'll conquer fortune, fame, Sweet, in your name DR. WILMOT. [Making himself heard.] Or change of name ! 144 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD OLIVIA. [Accompanying herself on a guitar, pensively.'] When lovely woman stoops to folly, And finds too late that men betray, What charm can soothe her melancholy; What art can [Voice quavers with emotion] SQUIKE. [Tenderly interrupting. ,] Dear Olivia, stay ! I promise you, reformed, a rake A faithful, loving spouse will make! [He drinks to OLIVIA.] MOSES. [To the audience.'] When at a fair a horse you'd sell JENKINS ON. [Interrupts, addressing MOSES.] Don't wear a coat of gosling green ! Keep eyes alert, and wits as well ! MOSES. [To the audience, taxing JENKINSON.] Beware of men of holy mien! [Laughter at the expense of JENKINSON.] MRS. PRIMROSE. [Rather tartly to MOSES.] However wide your learning's range, Don't THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD 145 [All the characters finish the sentence.'] Don't take green spectacles in change ! [ALL laugh, pledging MOSES. Miss MOLLIE FLAM- BOROUGH hands him a pair of green spectacles which he puts on.'] SOPHIA. [Addressing the audience. ~\ To merit, though in lowly guise, never your affection grudge ! MRS. PRIMROSE. [Handing MR. BURCHELL wine.'} Sir William, how you must despise My pride of heart; my insults! MR. BURCHELL. [Kindly.'} Fudge ! [General laughter. All pledge MR. BURCHELL and SOPHIA.] DICK AND BILL. [To MR. BURCHELL, one on each sideJ} When to our sister you are wed Will you still bring us [MR. BURCHELL nods yes; they feel in his pockets, and exclaim, drawing out calces of gingerbread.'} Gingerbread ! MR. BURCHELL. [Toasting VILLAGERS and AUDIENCE.] Come! Here's to all the lads and lasses! [General murmur of pleasure.] 146 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD ME. FLAMBOROUGH. [Raising glass, pledges.] Shakespeare and the Musical Glasses ! [There is a general laugh, in which the PRIMROSES join.] VICAR. [Toasting.] Virtue, content, a loving wife DR. WILMOT. [Interrupting] One at a time, sir! VICAR. [Shakes head in mild contradiction.'] One for life! [General exclamation of pleasure and rejoicing. Pipe, tab our sound] [CURTAIN.] [END OF PLAY.] UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. MAY 1 3 1950 of Cali at Library 3 1950 loD FEB 3 196? la APR 2 LU-URU 91974 Form L9-25t-9,'47(A5618)444 THEUBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALLFORN DO NVM TWS BOOK CARD University Research Library