Vox ex Vinculis. 
 
 QUEEN OF THE LOBBY 
 
 AN INCIDENT IN ONE ACT. 
 
 BY 6b>AIF( DUBOIS 
 
 NEW YORK, 18Q6. 
 
Vox ex Vinculis. 
 
 QUEEN OF THE LOBBY 
 
 AN INCIDENT IN ONE ACT. 
 
 l^UK 
 
 S U U, t, J -P j 
 
 BY ebAIR G> 
 
 UBOIS. 
 
 NEW YORK, 18G6. 
 
1 
 
 .C3 
 
Bancroft Library 
 
 QUEEN OF THE LOBBY. 
 
 Characters Represented . 
 
 GUY DEVLIN, a Millionaire. 
 MR. EUSTACE, of California. 
 THIMBLE, 
 STRADDLE, 
 
 BUNCUM, 
 
 Congressmen. 
 
 DODO, 
 
 SULLEN, 
 
 DOMINGO, a Colored Servant. 
 
 LA BARONNE de la MUSCADINE. 
 
 MARCELLE, a Maid. 
 
 All Sights Reserved. 
 
QUEEN OF THE LOBBY. 
 
 Scene: An elegant room in a Washington Hotel 
 l\rar door gires on to a hall; door to L. leads to 
 a prirati' room; second door to L. a stairway; 
 door to R. a "Ht-udy" or Library; a desk also to 
 l\. hehrcen it and the wall a chair, and a screen 
 concealing a safe. Chairs, sofa, etc. As curtain 
 rises, Domingo and MarccUe enter the latter 
 reading a letter. 
 
 Mar. No mistake, Monsieur Domingo. Here is 
 an ordaire from Madame for you to prepare one 
 grand suppaire in No. 16, after twelve o'clock to- 
 night. 
 
 Doni. Twelve o'clock. That means Avashiug 
 the dishes at sunrise. I would like to be able to 
 go to bed before three in the morning for once, 
 just to see how it feels to sleep in the dark. 
 
 Mar. Madame indeed do lead everybody one 
 lively "train." I wonder why she'have so much 
 "societe." 
 
 Doni. Because she is a lady of quality, no 
 doubt. 
 
 Mar. (J Halite by marriage seulement, She 
 was one ordinary Americaine till she epousait the 
 Baron de la Muscadine, who left her after spend- 
 ing all her "monaie." 
 
6 
 
 A,'// /rr Thhnble. 
 
 Dont. But lie couldn't spend her wits, for, 
 thanks to them, she is rich again, and can afford 
 a Duke the next time. Moses 
 
 r /'Ii int. I hope I don't intrude, but may I ask if 
 this is the apartment of the Baronness de la Mus- 
 cadine? 
 
 Dom. It is, but the lady is out at present. 
 
 Thim. How unfortunate you won't mind if I 
 remain till she comes in. I'll make myself per- 
 fectly comfortable in this easy-chair looking over 
 the pictures in these albums. Don't be uneasy 
 the furniture will be safe. 
 
 Mar. Vat a drole man. 
 
 Dom. That's not a man, but a Congressman. 
 
 Mar. Vat is a Congressman? 
 
 Dom. An individual \vho may have been a man 
 before he got to Congress. For all he says, you 
 keep an eye on this room whilst I am getting up 
 that supper. 
 
 Mar. I vill, and a cat's eye at zat. [Exeunt.] 
 
 Thim. [Kixhif/ */>n////---/u*x/>a/ a note.] A note 
 delightfully perfumed and the words, "come 
 and see me to-night, after the Opera." It has but 
 one meaning I have made a mash on the bright- 
 est woman in Washington. Pitiful, but not 
 strange I have always been a regular cyclone 
 among the ladies. 
 
 I'] ntcr titruddlc [K<uli<ut1, and (in fantastically 
 dressed.] 
 
 Mrad. [Reading a note.] "Meet me this even- 
 ing, after" [Da nee* in del it/lit.] Hurrah! De- 
 
licious! I saw it coming for some time, however 
 when I got up to speak yesterday in the House 
 she sniggered. Why should she snigger? To con- 
 ceal the tumult I excited in her soul. Oh, Strad- 
 dle, Straddle, you are a primrose. By all that's 
 hideous 
 
 Tit int. Straddle! 
 
 Strad. Thimble! 
 
 Tliiin. This is a surprise. 
 
 Strad. Not altogether a pleasant one. 
 
 Till in. I agree with you. 
 
 Mnnl. What are you doing here? 
 
 Till in. That is the very question I was going 
 to ask you. 
 
 strud. Come now, I hope you'll listen to reason. 
 I have business with the Baronness. 
 
 Tin in. So have I. 
 
 tftrud. Mine's important. 
 
 Th iui. Mine is more so. 
 
 N//v/(/. It could not be. I do not wish to argue, 
 but I've evidence that when her ladyship arrives 
 your presence will be an impertinence. [Sliwr# 
 note.] What do you say to that? 
 
 Thiin. \Asidc.] A note, perfumed word for 
 word with my own 
 
 N/rw/. This closes the debate, doesn't it? 
 
 Tliiin. I must ow r n I am at a loss to 
 
 N//v/<7. Why, it is as clear as moonshine the 
 Baronness is quite susceptible, and as her opinion 
 of me is that of my looking-glass 
 
 Enter Buncuni. 
 Jttui. [dJccfuJJi/.] "From the icy minarets of 
 
8 
 
 Alaska to the emerald everglades of Florida"- 
 [Dances against Straddle and Thimble.] Perdition! 
 
 Thim. We re-echo the sentiment. 
 
 />////. Excuse me I did not expect to find any- 
 one here. 
 
 Strad. And we did not expect to be inter- 
 rupted. 
 
 Bun. Sorry but the interruption is none of iny 
 creating. 
 
 Thim. You would have some difficulty to prove 
 it. 
 
 Bun. I think not a lady is generally mistress 
 in her own house. 
 
 Strad. 1 fail to see the connection. 
 
 Bun. As mistress in her own house, she has a 
 right to select her own guests. 
 
 Thim. That is self-evident. 
 
 Bun. Well, in this instance it happens I am a 
 selected guest in fact, the selected guest. When 
 I show you my credentials, 1 hope an appeal to 
 your delicacy will be a sufficient intimation I con- 
 sider you in the way. [Shoics his note.] 
 
 Strad. [Fnrious.] Well, I'll be 
 
 Thim. [Aside.] Worse and worse. 
 
 Strad. What can this signify? 
 
 Bint. I can't say, really. All I know is, the 
 lady has continental ideas, and as I have always 
 been a perfect torpedo where the sex is con- 
 cerned 
 
 Enter Marcellc. 
 
 Mar. Madame la Baron e. [Exit.] 
 
 Bun. [Very airy.'] Ah ! Ah ! [Straddle and 
 
9 
 
 Thimble <jo to om' xide discomfited <tn<l sympathize 
 one another. l-'nter flu- ISaronneM hi opera 
 trading a h'li'urani. ^he /.v r/ks-or/wW, and xrr.s- tin 
 
 one.] 
 
 /far. "Accident delay will not be able to 
 reach Washington before midnight Guy Devlin." 
 How provoking. Matters critical, and I so need 
 his assistance [dhniccx at flic rlork.] One hour to 
 wait Ah! the tenderloins are here let me put 
 that hour to good use. ffibUrt&iies.] Gentlemen. 
 
 Hun. Your servants, Baronness. 
 
 Bar. I am sorry I. did not see you before. You 
 received the notes? 
 
 Yes, I received flic note. Here it is. 
 to the other*] Excuse yourselves and go. 
 Can't you take a hint? 
 
 Bar. And you two? 
 
 *s7/v/f/. Here is mine. [Itnncinn *l<iii<ierx.\ 
 
 Tlihn. And mine. [tftratlille m7*.] 
 
 liar. This is well. Now, if the others were 
 here 
 
 Bun. Others! 
 
 liar. Yes, I expect Sullen and Dodo yet. It 
 is unfortunate they should delay. We cannot 
 proceed without them. However, you won't ob- 
 ject waiting till they come. You will find news- 
 papers and games to amuse you, there in my 
 study. 
 
 Thhn. Have you any idea when Sullen and 
 Dodo will be here? 
 
 liar. [CatrlcMlif.] Oh, yes, some time between 
 now and morning. 
 
 TUm. I'll be blessed 
 
10 
 
 Strud. For cheek unvarnished 
 
 Bim. Oh, these women, these women 
 
 [All three exeunt into the study in great rage.] 
 
 Bar. A good pen for the cattle. Now let me 
 see let me see. I declare, I believe that window 
 is open [Goc-s and looks oat.] How grand the 
 Capitol looks in the distance. Grand, indeed 
 once the temple, but fast becoming the Mauso- 
 leum of the Kepublio. And the stars how 
 brightly they are shining. Perhaps my little 
 Natalie, in her convent home, is looking up at 
 them now, and wondering who who her mother 
 is. [Closes icindow, comes aicay takes off her bon- 
 net, cloak, etc] My Natalie. I have no right to 
 think of 3^011 for I have ceased to have a heart. 
 Marcelle! 
 
 Enter Marcelle. 
 
 Mar. Madame! 
 
 Bar. Take these wraps and put them away. 
 [Exit Marcelle, but returns in a short while. Baron- 
 ness looks over visiting cards on the table] I notice 
 here one card Mr. Eustace, of California. When 
 did he call? 
 
 Mar. About an hour after Madame left for ze 
 "Theatre." 
 
 Bar. Did he leave any word? 
 
 Mar. Yes, Madame that he would call again. 
 
 Bar. When? 
 
 Mar. To-night. 
 
 Bar. [Aside.] Oh, this Puritan ! I wonder 
 what his business is. I gravely suspect it relates 
 to the Grinding Bill. Steps? Marcelle. 
 
 Mar. It is one more, Monsieur 
 
11 
 
 V liter tin He n. 
 
 Bar. Ah! that will do for the present. [Exit 
 Mum-He, tritli more irrfi^.] Mr. Sullen, this is a 
 pleasure. 
 
 Knl. [He /.v thin, irtiite, <iit(/iil(ir, irith <t dnrk, /<>//*/, 
 fierce nionxtiidie.] You can play your part to per- 
 fection. 
 
 Jtitr. Sour humor to-day. 
 
 tinh (lood reason. 
 
 l*<ir. Why? 
 
 tin I. I don't like bad treatment. 
 
 Bar. Neither should I. 
 
 tint. Then why do you inflict it? 
 
 ttur. Sullen! 
 
 ti-nh I got your note. 
 
 K<ir. It made you mad? 
 
 tinL It threw me into raptures. I kissed it I 
 hugged it I danced about the room. But sud- 
 denly the floor of my heaven gave way a knock 
 came to the door. Who do you think it was? 
 
 !><tr. No idea. 
 
 8ul. Dodo. 
 
 Jtnr. I sympathize with you. 
 
 tiiih Now if there's anybody I despise, it is 
 Dodo. 
 
 liar. That shows your good sense. 
 
 tiuh That was bad enough. 
 
 liar. It could hardly be worse. 
 
 tilth But judge of my horror when he began 
 to racket about as I had been doing, and ended up 
 by showing me 
 What? 
 Also a note from vou. 
 
12 
 
 Bar. Oh! he got his then I am so glad. 
 
 HI,I. [Pr&teMJ] Glad! 
 
 liar. Yes! I hope you brought him along. 
 
 Xn1. No, he came along. 
 
 Bar. Where is he? 
 
 N///. Down stairs in the bar-room. 
 
 Bur. I might have known that I'll send for 
 him. 
 
 8ul. No you won't [PrcrciiCnni licr] Not at 
 least till I know what you meant by 
 
 Bar. The letters the explanation is simple. I 
 notified five eminent Congressmen to come here 
 this evening and consult with me on an important 
 bit of legislation. Dodo and yourself were of the 
 number that is all. 
 
 tfiil. So others are expected here too! 
 
 Bar. They are here already. 
 
 tfiil. You meant nothing of a more tender na- 
 ture you did not intend to convey the fact I had 
 impressed you that you were ready to welcome 
 my attentions that you you 
 
 Rar. [Haughtily.] Sir! 
 
 8nl No use to pose like that you deceitful 
 woman pretend to say you never encouraged me 
 that you never smiled when I passed never 
 squeezed my hand when we met never kicked 
 my foot under the table? 1 can bring witnesses 
 to prove what I say. Everybody has remarked 
 your leaning towards me my friends have been 
 chaffing me about it, even much as I have been 
 able to do to keep it out of the newspapers. 
 
 Bar. Silly man! There must be 2,000 fools in 
 Washington this minute, who imagine they have 
 the same complaint to make as yourself. 
 
Sul. Yes, but 1 am oue of the fools who have 
 taken you seriously, and I don't propose 
 
 liar. [Tapping him- icilh a fan.] Poor fellow! 
 do you love me, then? 
 
 Sul. [FaUinij on <nn kn<('.\ Oh! Barouness. 
 
 Har. I must forbid this carpets are expen- 
 sive. Besides, there is another objection to my 
 listening to any advances of this kind. 
 
 Sul. Which is 
 
 Har. You are a married man. 
 
 Snl. What difference should that make? 
 
 Hat: Thank you for your nice opinion of me. 
 A great deal of difference. I have been a pretty 
 black sheep, and have broken all the command- 
 ments, I confess, except 
 
 Sul. What? 
 
 Har. The one- in the middle. 
 
 Sat. If that be all that divides us 
 
 Har. Oh, but there is another obstacle, still. 
 
 Sul. For example 
 
 Har. You could never support a fifty -thousand 
 dollar woman on a five thousand dollar salary. 
 
 Sul. HOAV do you know I couldn't? 
 
 Har. Because you can hardly support yourself 
 on it. Let us see you owe |60.17 to your laun- 
 dress, |133.05 to your tailor, two months' rent at 
 the Arlington and to cap the climax, you have 
 just put a four thousand dollar mortgage on the 
 only property you possess in the world your 
 farm at home. 
 
 SHJ. Are you the devil, or what? 
 
 Har. No only Mr. Dun or Mr. Bradstreet, in 
 a Court-train. 
 
14 
 
 A ml after breaking my heart, you mean 
 to avail yourself of the knowledge you have 
 gained of my private affairs, to humiliate me. 
 
 Bar. Tut, tut, tut no such stuff in my 
 thoughts I only wanted to show you the depth 
 to which you have sunk, that you may better ap- 
 preciate the height to which you may rise. I in- 
 tend, my friend, to make you a large sum of 
 money. 
 
 S-itL [tiro spiny her hand eagerly.] Money? 
 
 Bar. Here is Marcelle no agitation Well? 
 
 Enter Marcelle. 
 
 Mar. Mr. Eustass de la Californie 
 
 Bar. Admit him at once and, Marcelle, you 
 may tell the gentlemen in the study I am now at 
 their service. [EM Marcelle.] 
 
 tinl. You are incomprehensible. 
 
 Bar. You shall soon understand all be pa- 
 tient, [Moves up, and for awhile disappears.] 
 
 Sul. I suppose I must submit but, plague 
 take it I feel like a barrel of dynamite that is 
 itching to blow up and destroy everybody and 
 everything in sight. 
 
 Enter from the Study, Thunlfle, Straddle, and 
 Bunciun. 
 
 Thim. Here we are again. 
 
 Strn-d. Here we are and there is Sullen. 
 
 Bun. And yonder comes Dodo. 
 
 Thim. Followed by Eustace. 
 
 Strad. The plot begins to thicken. 
 
15 
 
 Knlcr Dodo then 
 
 Do. How do you do, friends how do you do, 
 everybody. Evidently there will be a quorum to- 
 night. Mrs. Baronness Madame La Baronne, T 
 should say 
 
 Bar. Mr. Dodo 
 
 Do. I couldn't wait for Sullen any longer. He 
 was to come first and let me know the purport of 
 the notes, but as he didn't return- 
 
 is* uf. True I had forgotten about you, Dodo. 
 
 Bar. We understand, Mr. Dodo, you did right 
 to come up without ceremony you will be greatly 
 needed here this evening. [Turning and holdina 
 out her hand.] Mr. Eustace, your pardon for not 
 being here earlier in the evening to receive you. 
 
 /Jtixl. And yours, Baronness, for calling at so 
 unreasonable an hour the second time. If I had 
 known you were going to have friends here 
 
 Bar. Is your business anything you would hesi- 
 tate to state before these gentlemen? 
 
 /<;/(*/. On the contrary it relates to a public 
 matter about to come before the House, in which 
 they, as well as the whole country, are interested. 
 
 Bar. Then I am sure we would all be pleased 
 {AH w/// y/r.s', yes] but first let us make ourselves 
 more at home. [Motions each to an appropriate 
 seat.] 
 
 Do. [tfhoirin</ (( ciaar.] Will you permit me, 
 Baronness? 
 
 Bar. With pleasure I like the smoke of a 
 good cigar. W r ait allow me to give you a light. 
 
 Bun. Humph! Wish I had a cigar. 
 
16 
 
 Bar. [Settling hcrwlf itt a conspicuous chair.] 
 Now, Mr. Eustace, we are at your orders. 
 
 Eust. To be brief, Baronness, I come to you as 
 a supplicant. Everyone is aware of the vast in- 
 fluence you wield at Washington, and it is that 
 influence I wish to interest against the most merci- 
 less and fiendish scheme of robbery that ever 
 ever 
 
 Bar. [Frigidly.] Mr. Eustace, I regret your re- 
 marks have taken this turn. I tell you frankly, 
 and without circumlocution, your appeal to me 
 will be in vain. I am already engaged to promote, 
 not to oppose, the passage of the "Grinding Bill." 
 
 Eust. How did you know 
 
 Sul. [Aside.] Humph! What don't she know? 
 
 Bar. From the moment you opened your lips I 
 knew what was to follow. It is a pity a man of 
 your lights and attainments should take the side 
 of the mob on this great question. 
 
 Eust. Do you know, Madame, what the "Grind- 
 ing Bill" means? 
 
 Bar. Simply this a troop of banditti have 
 been gutting all the country between the Missouri 
 River and your State for twenty-five years, and 
 the purpose of the bill is to enable them to con- 
 tinue their depredations for a hundred more. 
 
 Eust. And do you think they should be armed 
 with so atrocious a privilege? 
 
 Bar. I am not dealing in abstractions this 
 evening. 
 
 Eust. Twenty-five hundred thousand men once 
 rose to free four million colored slaves in the 
 South and are we now to vainly beg for a few 
 
17 
 
 niggardly votes to deliver ten million white men 
 in the North and West? 
 
 Bar. Oh, Eustace, you are beginning to tire 
 me. All you say is good sentiment, but poor poli- 
 tics. 
 
 l\nst. And I answer, the politics that justify 
 the plundering of the people the polluting of 
 Courts, the debauching of newspapers, and the 
 roiTiipting of Legislatures, is something that 
 rou Id have come only from the infernal pit and 
 will one day be washed from the face of the earth 
 in torrents of guilty blood 
 
 ttur. I have no such doleful apprehensions. 
 
 Kiivt. People did not believe in the deluge till 
 they were drowned in its waters. 
 
 /><//. Deluges, my dear man, are obsolete. I 
 have something in this receptacle will prove my 
 case better than words, [tihe Jut* troubh in morlmj 
 the screen. Mullen .V/C/M- for mini to </**/*/.] 
 
 Will you permit me? [He moves it.] 
 
 \TnT\lnij a i-hei-l'-book nut of tlie safe before 
 I In tloor /-v r/o.sr</, Sullen </r/\ n />< r/> into tin safe.'] 
 I have what I want. 
 
 f.l.s/Vr, utixphig.] Bank-notes by the arm- 
 ful. 
 
 Bar. Do you know what this is? 
 
 Vust. A check-book. 
 
 Jtar. The aegis that makes us invulnerable to 
 all the horrors your morbid imagination conjures 
 up. Gentlemen, Mr. Eustace has precipitated the 
 issue. It is time to throw off the mask, and to de- 
 clare the motives I had in bringing you here. I 
 require your assistance to pass the "Grinding 
 Bill," and I want to know if I may depend upon it? 
 
18 
 
 Thim. The question is rather abrupt. 
 
 Do. Not at all. I don't see how it could have 
 been put otherwise. 
 
 Strad. You have had the best of the argument, 
 "Madame." 
 
 Do. By far. 
 
 Thim. But the trouble is you have been 
 hardly explicit enough. 
 
 Do. [Protesting.] My dear sir 
 
 Bar. If I signed a million to every one of these 
 leaves I Avould need a new check-book to reach the 
 millions still in reserve behind me. 
 
 Thim. That may all bebut what does it avail 
 a man perishing of thirst on the desert to be told 
 there is an ocean of fresh water in Lake Superior? 
 
 Bar. Well, if each of you that may be now per- 
 ishing of thirst will bring his pitcher to this 
 table- 
 Do. You will fill it with water? 
 
 Bar. Fresh from Lake Superior. 
 
 Do. At how much a pitcher? 
 
 Bar. [Always in a business manner.] Two thou- 
 sand dollars. [All protest] 
 
 Thim. Madame! 
 
 Strad. You are frank to brutality. 
 
 Do. Even I am disgusted. 
 
 8u1. Is this the windfall you promised me? 
 
 Bun. Two thousand dollars. 
 
 Do. It wouldn't keep a statesman in tooth- 
 picks. 
 
 Strati. The offer is an insult. 
 
 Bar. [Always writing with her eyes intent on her 
 irork.] I am ready to apologize by raising the fig- 
 ure to live thousand. 
 
19 
 
 Tliun. The figure I mean the apology is in- 
 sufficient. 
 
 titi'dfl. (irossly inadequate. 
 
 Do. 1 don't know about that. 
 
 /> a H. Five thousand is a neat sum. 
 
 Do. I never did believe in being a hog. 
 
 ttnn. I am certain the Baronness Avants to do 
 what is fair. 
 
 Bar. So fair that as I see some of you are dis 
 satisfied, I am ready to go as high as $7,500. 
 
 Sul. Where is my hat? 
 
 Tlii in. We are beyond temptation. 
 
 Do. Now, gentlemen 
 
 Hid. Let us go 
 
 x/y</</. [Heroically.] Yes, let us go. 
 
 Thl in. [UV</Ary/ /;/</.] We are going. 
 
 N//v/f/. Yes that is if we have heard the last 
 you have to say 
 
 /><//. Well, I don't believe in straining at a 
 gnat Call it 10,000 and have done. 
 
 Kill. Ten thousand peanuts. 
 
 Do. Surely, Mr. Sullen. 
 
 N/yvff/. My seat cost me that 
 
 Thun. The terms are preposterous. 
 
 Do. and Bun. [PIc<i<Hii<i] Now, Mr. Thimble 
 Mr. Thimble. 
 
 I'll iin. [Impatiently.] Don't claw me, please 
 I know a thing or two, I tell you. Here is a rail- 
 way its managers are taking in fifty millions a 
 year five thousand millions in a hundred years, 
 of which a third will be profit and they want me 
 to assist them in getting all that for $10,000. 
 
 Xtrud. Outrageous! Don't you think so, Mr. 
 Eustace? 
 
20 
 
 tiiixt. I certainly do. If I were in this sort of 
 business I would consider iny vote worth as much 
 to me as to the railroad. 
 
 Bar. [('(irelewh/.] Well, gentlemen, it is grow T - 
 ing late, and as we can't come to any agreement 
 Th'un. We understand you 
 XuL If nobody is ever going to come 
 Do. Don't be so hasty. 
 
 Bun. No, don't; haste is the most destructive 
 of all vices. But for haste, a man might not have 
 slipped on a banana peel and broken his leg; but 
 for haste to make the acquaintance of the foundry 
 cat, the dog might not have lost his tail on a buzz- 
 saw; but for haste- 
 Bar. [Rings] Marcelle! 
 
 Enter Marcelle. 
 
 Mar. Oui, Madame. 
 
 Bar. See that Domingo delivers these five 
 notes the first thing in the morning to Congress- 
 men Parsnip, Onion, Pumpkin, Squash, and Car- 
 rot. 
 
 Mar. I will, Madame. [Exit.} 
 
 Do. See what you have done. 
 
 Thim. W T hat have we done? 
 
 Do. Compelled her to throw us over 
 
 Bun. She can get Parsnip for five hundred. 
 
 Do. Onion, Pumpkin, and Squash, for three, 
 
 Bun. And Carrot for one. 
 
 Strad. Cheap men are dear at any price. 
 
 Do. Mr. Thimble! 
 
 Thim. I am bronze 
 
 Do. It is well enough for vou to be bronze 
 
this is your first term unfortunately my constitu- 
 ents have found me out and it is to be my last 
 
 fiim. You'll never have such another chance. 
 
 Thiin. Neither will the railroad. 
 
 tint. Come, it is time to cross the Kubicon. 
 
 Tin in. But to show our defiance of Madame we 
 won't leave the hotel. 
 
 Xinid. No, we'll merely go downstairs. 
 
 Thim. And play billiards Ha! Ha! 
 
 fitrad. And wait developments. 
 
 Thl in. Yes, till to-morrow morning. 
 
 [Thitt speech to T hi m hli'.] 
 
 l>nn. [Imploringly.] For the last time Gen- 
 tlemen, gentlemen 
 
 Thini. [drandiy.] I am a reader of Spartan his- 
 tory. 
 
 AS' //(/(/. And I am an actor of it. 
 
 Do. [Dolefully.] But we don't want to be Spar- 
 tans. 
 
 linn. No, no, we don't want to be Spartans. 
 \Tliimble and Straddle purposely lea re tin orcrcoat and 
 cane behind then e.rennt all. Mullen defiantly, Dodo 
 and ttnncinn reluctantly and wMmperinfa] 
 
 liar. [WiiixliiHi/ n'riti n(/.] Well, Mr. Eustace, I 
 hope you are not going won't you stop and chat 
 a while? 
 
 7vVs7. 1 must be excused. 
 
 liar. Why? 
 
 Kitxt. I could sustain no part of the conversa- 
 tion I have just heard and seen enough to make 
 me dumb for the rest of my life. 
 
 liar. You are foolish. 
 
 Kitxt. 1 have been foolish to believe in my fel- 
 
22 
 
 low-man, perhaps. So this is all Bunker Hill and 
 the Declaration of Independence signify in the 
 end is it? Poor, poor humanity, forever grasp- 
 ing at the stars, and forever clutching dead ashes. 
 
 liar. You are sad. 
 
 Vast. Yes, I am sad to find the glorious divin- 
 ity I have worshipped is but a wooden idol, that 
 may be pierced through and through, or broken 
 into splinters by a few nasty spit-balls of dirt and 
 of gold. 
 
 Bar. I see you are in no mood to be enter- 
 tained therefore I will not detain you. Let us 
 hope on some other occasion dear, dear the por- 
 ter has lowered the gas in the hall, so you can 
 hardly see your way out. Stop I will hold the 
 lamp for you till you reach the top of the stairs. 
 
 [>SV/r doe* so.] 
 
 East. You are very kind. 
 
 Bar. Also you may have forgotten midway 
 down the hall there are three abrupt steps. Please 
 take care. 
 
 Eust. [Boir'un/ sadly.] I will remember. 
 
 Bar. [Hold* flic hi /y//> up for <i irhite, then c<tn,\ 
 forward sds it on the table, and then sits down re- 
 mains preoccupied a feiv seconds. Music.] 
 
 Bar. Oh, that I had met such a man in my 
 young day. My Natalie would not then be 
 ashamed to own she was my child, [Cr-uy Devlin, 
 during this scene, has entered after pausing a few 
 moments, comes forward and taps her with a glore; 
 she rises.] Guy! Mr. Devlin! 
 
 Guy D. Did I startle you What is the mat- 
 ter Sleepy? Why, there are tears in your eyes. 
 
23 
 
 Bar. Nonsense you are late. 
 
 (in i/ D. You got nay telegram? 
 
 Bar. Yes; what was the cause of the delay? 
 
 (luif D. Train ran oft* the track; and hour be- 
 fore I could get a special. What a pity we cannot 
 re-establish the whipping-post these careless 
 train men cause such accidents, and accidents 
 mean damages. 
 
 Bar. You work your men too hard. 
 
 GUI/ D. Only fifteen hours a day 
 
 liar. That's enough to kill anybody. 
 
 (i HI/ D. Yet for one that's killed at that gait, 
 I notice a hundred step forward only too willing 
 to be killed in his place. 
 
 Bar. Yet there are grave, grave complaints 
 against you. 
 
 (ini/ I). All from the one quarter Trades 
 Unions, Knights of Labor, and similar abomina- 
 tions. The country will never know true prosper- 
 ity till they are extirpated, root and branch. De- 
 prived of such disturbing influences, the common 
 classes will gradually sink do\vn to their normal 
 and natural condition of subjection to their bet- 
 ters, and all will be lovely. 
 
 Bar. And the passing of the "Grinding Bill" 
 will be a long step in this happy direction, I sup- 
 pose? 
 
 D. It will, undoubtedly. What progress 
 are you making? 
 
 [Kn1<-r Tli tinkle ami Wraddle, on tiptoe, as looking for 
 cloak and cane.] 
 
 Bar. The last batch vou sent me I have had 
 
24 
 
 here all evening but they proved very intrac- 
 table. 
 
 (iiuj />. How high did you go? 
 
 Bar. To ten -thousand. 
 
 (tin/ D. Apiece? 
 
 Bar. Yes. 
 
 (tity D. The deuce the rascals must think 
 they have got me in a hole. 
 
 Bar. Is it not true? 
 
 din/ D. Well, I admit it is a matter of several 
 millions annually to the company for a hundred 
 years, and practically a clean sweep of two hun- 
 dred millions more from the government then. 
 
 Bar. What an insignificant sum. 
 
 (in// I). It is at least worth fighting for. 
 
 Thiw. [Advancing.] And paying for, too. 
 
 Bar. [Ri#i DO.] Gentlemen 
 
 tftrad. Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. 
 Guy Devlin. Never met. you before, except in a 
 photographer's show case. 
 
 Guy D. Do you know these persons? 
 
 Bar. Intimately. [Aside.] They are two of the 
 votes we are after. 
 
 (tun D. Oh! It is a pity, gentlemen, we could 
 not have been introduced to one another in a more 
 formal manner. 
 
 Tin in. It was hardly possible. We had about 
 finished a game of billiards, and were going home, 
 when I found. I had lost my cane. 
 
 Mrad. And I my overcoat. 
 
 Bar. And as this room was the last place you 
 had frequented ? 
 
 Thin). Precisely. 
 
25 
 
 (inn />. We understand perfectly I am can- 
 did enough to own the language you have just 
 heard has put me somewhat at a disadvantage. 
 
 Mrad. For which I am profoundly grateful to 
 iny overcoat 
 
 Tli int. And I to my cane. 
 
 Bar. [Aside.] Beware these are the two most 
 dangerous of the lot. Let me manage them. Gen- 
 tlemen, there is no call to be sarcastic Mr. Devlin 
 well knows how to accept a situation. 
 
 Tldtn. We are glad to hear it. 
 
 Bar. Now, if you will promise to secure him 
 the votes of your three associates, on the terms 
 already proffered, and pledge yourselves to se- 
 crecy in the matter, he is ready to pay you twenty 
 thousand each just double what the others are 
 to get. 
 
 Tliiin. Twenty thou 
 
 Xtrad. I'd sell my soul for that. 
 
 (in II D. Don't you think the devil would get 
 the worst of the bargain? 
 
 tftrad. [(-In I/I i/.] The devil would have to take 
 chances in the premises. 
 
 Bar. It is agreed, then. All that remains for 
 me to say, is, the sooner we have the votes the 
 sooner you get your money. 
 
 tftrad. In ten minutes we engage to deliver you 
 the goods. Come, Thimble. 
 
 Thi in. Yes, Straddle. \l-lrcirnt joi/wwli/.] 
 
 (in II />. Well for a pair of rapscallions; but, 
 Baromiess, you are a genius. I thought it was 
 going to be a case of blackmail, but you not only 
 saved me from that annoyance, but ended by get- 
 
ting me three rebellions votes besides. Hail to 
 the Queen of the Lobby! 
 
 Bar. We will postpone compliments till some 
 other time, if you please. They are returning. 
 
 [Squabbling heard in the hall.] 
 
 Guy D. Already? 
 
 Mar. It would be hardly wise for you to figure 
 personally in an affair like this. 
 
 Guy D. Quite so. In case of an expose, I might 
 find it difficult to prove an alibi. 
 
 Bar. This passage will take you to the street. 
 
 Guy D. But I wish to go over the accounts, 
 write a dozen letters, and put some important pa- 
 pers into the safe there. 
 
 Bar. Then slip into my study till they depart, 
 
 Guy D. Don't let them keep me a prisoner long. 
 
 [Exit.-] 
 
 Bar. I will not, never fear. Now to make out 
 the checks, and wind up the most troublesome job 
 I have had on my hands in twenty years. [Mutter- 
 ing to herself as she writes.] Thimble, Straddle, 
 and Dodo 
 
 Enter TMnible, Straddle, Buncuin, and Dodo, contend- 
 ing and remonstrating with Sullen. 
 
 Several. Oh, come now, come now, Sullen. 
 
 Sul. I tell you I don't like it it looks sus- 
 picious. 
 
 Thim. What looks suspicious? 
 
 Sul. Your sudden conversion. 
 
 Strati. There was no other course to pursue. 
 
 Do. How could there be? 
 
 Thim. We found Parsnip & Co. were no bluff; 
 she really meant to substitute them. It was ten 
 thousand in IT. S. notes or nothing. 
 
27 
 
 Xtrail. \Ye really thought, under the circum- 
 stances, we had better yield. 
 
 Do. I would have done so from the first. 
 
 XiiL No doubt; you are an antique at the 
 game. Your old paunch is even now so stuffed 
 with plunder, that, like your extinct patronymic, 
 you can hardly waddle about with it. 
 
 Do. Mr. Sullen! 
 
 Bun. When I reflect that from the icy min- 
 arets of Alaska to the persimmon groves of Ope- 
 lousas 
 
 Bar. Well, gentlemen, have you come to an un- 
 derstanding? 
 
 Do. Yes, Madame, I I mean everybody. 
 
 Bar. Mr. Sullen? 
 
 tful [Reluctantly <ni<l gr(nrlin</.\ I don't like to 
 surrender, but I guess there is no use bucking 
 against the majority. [All give a comical sigh of 
 relief. Dodo and Bnncnm embrace.] 
 
 Bar. Very well, then there is your envelope. 
 [Mullen tab-* ; it.] Mr. Thimble and Mr. Straddle, 
 yours Mr. Buncum and Mr. Dodo 
 
 Do. Ah, Madame, these are the kind of love 
 notes I like to receive. [Puts bis into a note-book.] 
 In remembrance of you, I will carry it next to my 
 heart 
 
 Bun. I'll sleep with mine under my pillow. 
 
 >'>//. [Looking at watch.] Speaking of pillows 
 and sleep, is it not getting rather late? 
 
 Thim. Yes; we must be really going. So, 
 Madame, with billions of thanks, regards and 
 blessings 
 
 Bar. Fie, fie, do you think I am going to let 
 
28 
 
 you off like this [Kinas; Doinhtao appears.] 
 after the exciting evening we have had? Before 
 leaving you must partake of a little supper I have 
 prepared for you in No. 16. When you are 
 through you will find carriages at the hotel door 
 to take you home. See to everything, Domingo. 
 
 Doni. Yes, my lady. 
 
 Do. Baronness, you are a trump. 
 
 >S7w<7. You are going to join us? 
 
 Bar. I have not had three hours' rest in a 
 week. If you would be so good as to excuse me 
 
 Tlilnt. I suppose we shall have to submit. 
 
 Dom. All is ready, gentlemen. 
 
 Bar. As a parting favor, I hope you will not 
 spare the champagne. 
 
 Thim. No danger! And the first bottle shall 
 be a bumper to the "Queen of the Lobby." 
 
 AIL To the Queen of the Lobby! [Ear ant 
 clieeriny Dodo throics her a kiss. She stands in the 
 hall irariiif/ her hand. The tftndi/ door opens, and 
 (i nil Devlin enters as she come* doirn.] 
 
 Guy D. The coast is clear? 
 
 Bar. Yes how relieved you ought to feel. I 
 am sure I do. The majority is small. 
 
 GUI/ D. It will be greater the Dunderheads 
 are to come yet. These are a class of ^people who 
 are never bought, because they have not brains 
 enough to sell themselves; but they always take to 
 bad legislation instead of good by a sort of in- 
 stinct, on the same principle that a pig prefers a 
 mud-wallow to a plum orchard. All such will 
 vote for us from conviction. 
 
 Bar. I am glad to find you so sanguine. There 
 is nothing further for us to confer about to-night? 
 
29 
 
 I). No; and you look tired. Allow me to 
 conduct you to 
 
 Bar. You are going to remain? 
 
 (iiii/ D. Yes; I have much to do, and 1 never 
 work so well as in this cosy little nook of yours. 
 
 Bnr. There's the key, then you may have oc- 
 casion to open the safe. 
 
 Guy D. True. 
 
 Bar. When you go, don't forget the catch on 
 the hall door, [Pointing to flic mir door.] 
 
 (ini/ D. No; I won't. [Laughter, nierr'niu'nt, 
 and the popping of eltampagne rorks heard.] 
 
 Bar. The patriots are having quite a '* Fourth 
 of July." 
 
 (in i/ I). Yes, dang'in; and it is I who am pay- 
 ing for the fire-crackers. Bancroft Library 
 
 Bar. Bon soir, Mr. Devlin! 
 
 (in i/ D. [Botrina.] Ah! yes Madame la Ba- 
 ronne Bon sewer. [Repeats.] Bon sewer. [The 
 Baroimex* /^/.s-.sr.s- into her room, and closes the door. 
 l)< rlin panxes, then leu rex the door and takes the cen- 
 ter.] Wonderful woman, that wonderful! Had 
 she been born a man she would have become a 
 Richelieu or a Bismarck. [Rubbing his hands.] It 
 is getting chilly let me put a stick of wood on the 
 fire. [Does so; then hikes his sent behind the desk, 
 and begins to irork assorting, reading, signing 
 documents, all the while soliloquizing irith himself. 
 Mullen appears at the end.] Wonder if I shall ever 
 be used for a stick of wood? The preachers say 
 some hard things of the fate reserved for sinners. 
 But, pshaw! I'm no sinner never knew what it 
 was to do a dishonest action not since I was 
 
born. I have always found, in fact, honesty is the 
 best policy. It has ever been a mystery to me how 
 some unfortunates could be so stupid to take 
 chances of the penitentiary by stealing a second- 
 hand coat or robbing a melon patch. We cannot 
 all be constituted alike, I suppose. It is not every 
 man that is born with the judgment or the con- 
 science of (luy Dev [tiees Mullen.] Sir 
 
 SiiL Don't be alarmed. 
 
 GUI/ D. What does this mean? 
 
 XtiL Nothing except I came here to see the 
 Baronness. I find you in her place so much the 
 better. 
 
 Guy D. I do not wish to be disturbed. 
 
 8ul. And I propose taking measures that will 
 prevent such an annoyance, sir. [Goes to rear 
 shuts locks the door puts key into Ms pocket, and 
 comes forward.] 
 
 Guy D. Your methods are very singular. 
 
 Sul They will be thoroughly understood be- 
 fore I leave here. 
 
 Guy D. Might I be so bold as to ask who and 
 what you are? 
 
 Sul Certainly there is no secret about either 
 fact. My name is Wilder T. Sullen, and I am a 
 member of the present Lower House. 
 
 Guy D. A new member, I presume? 
 
 Snl. Yes this is my first term. 
 
 Guy D. That accounts for my not recognizing 
 your name. 
 
 Sul. Strange I've been told you knew the 
 names of all the members of both Houses by 
 heart. 
 
31 
 
 Gin/ />. So I generally do at the end of a ses- 
 sion. Well, now, Willard T. Sullen, member of 
 the present Lower House, what mil L do for yon? 
 
 Xnl. A great deal, sir I come to see yon in 
 reference to the little affair the Haronness lias just 
 been conducting for yon. 
 
 (in i/ D. [/^ci(/niii(/ not to iiml<'rxt<in<l.\ What 
 little affair? . 
 
 SuL You know very well that relating to the 
 purchase of five important votes in the interest of 
 your "Grinding Bill." 
 
 (iui/ D. Keally you seem to know more about 
 the circumstances that I do. 
 
 I ought to, in any event. 
 D. How so? 
 I am one of the votes in question. 
 
 (i ni/ I). Oh, you are that puts another face on 
 the matter. [Aside] What a load off rny nerves 
 I don't see there is anything further to discuss on 
 that head, Mr. Sullen. , 
 
 N/(/. I do, Mr. Devlin. 
 
 Guy D. Did you not agree to accept of a cer- 
 tain sum in return for your vote? 
 
 N/rt. I did. 
 
 Guy D. Has not that sum been paid you? 
 
 Sul. It has. 
 
 Gin/ D. Are you not satisfied? 
 
 Sul. No, I am not satisfied. 
 
 Guy D. What is the trouble? 
 
 N///. The trouble is cheating, fraud, and gross 
 deception. 
 
 Guy D. Sullen! 
 
 Sul. You have been catechising me allow me 
 
now to catechise you. You bid for the support of 
 five certain Representatives, did you not? 
 
 Guy D. AVell- 
 
 Sul. And you were to pay each one of them ex- 
 actly the same sum? 
 
 Guy D. Granted 
 
 8ul. Then, w r hy in the teeth of such a compact 
 have you paid two of our members double the 
 amount received by the rest of us? 
 
 Guy D. You do not know I have done this. 
 
 Sill. I do know it on the very best of author- 
 ity. One of your beneficiaries told us the whole 
 story, but now at the supper table. Having taken 
 too much champagne, he lost all control over 
 his tongue yes, went so far in his drunken, tri- 
 umphant glee, as to flaunt your check in our very 
 faces. 
 
 Guy D. [Aside.] The cur the cur there is 
 no trusting one of them. Well, Sullen, what is 
 done is done. You must regard the incident as 
 closed. 
 
 8nl. Not by a thousand miles. 
 
 Guy D. What do you expect? 
 
 8ul. I expect nay, demand, that now, upon 
 this spot without delay before I leave this 
 room, you pay me the ten thousand still due to me 
 upon our contract 
 
 Guy D. Y^ou are joking. 
 
 8ul. Ho! Ho! my man, I was never more seri- 
 ous or earnest in my life. My whole being revolts 
 and sickens me at what I have consented to do- 
 Vote for the "Grinding Bill" The wretch guilty 
 of such a deed is no better than the accomplice 
 
33 
 
 who shares with the outlaw the fruits of his crime 
 on the highway Vote for the "Grinding Bill?" 
 The man who so degrades himself shall stand for- 
 ever accurst Living his wife will blush to re- 
 ceive his kiss his children to -bear his name his 
 friends to own his fellowship. Dead spittle not 
 tears shall rain upon his tomb; the very worms 
 will avoid his carcass lest they be poisoned by eat- 
 ing of his infected flesh. For him no place on 
 fame's eternal scroll but imprecations and 
 maledictions deep from the well-fonts of every 
 noble, honor-loving heart. Men with horror in 
 their faces will hurry by the spot where he rests, 
 and when little children ask them why, they shall 
 be told for answer, in that disreputable grave lies 
 one who in the distant past voted for the "Grind- 
 ing Bill." 
 
 Guy D. Sullen! Sullen! 
 
 Sul. Such, such, I say, is my future such, 
 such the fate I embrace to serve you and your 
 fiendish purposes of pillage and greed and there- 
 fore, Guy Devlin, I give you due warning I mean 
 to have the full recompense of my infamy. 
 
 tlmj D. [Slowly.] Well, Sullen if you were 
 not so excited, I don't know, but we might 
 
 Sul. [Covering Devlin quickly with a revolver.] 
 Stop! 
 
 (in It D. Hein! 
 
 Sul. Back to your place! I know why you 
 were edging over in that direction you wanted 
 to give the alarm to your minions to come and 
 take me into custody. Now, I advise you to be 
 careful the moment you dare put a finger on 
 
34 
 
 that bell, I will send a bullet crashing through 
 your brain. 
 
 Guy D. You know what the consequences 
 would be 
 
 SuL A broomstick for the consequences. Be- 
 fore coming here I regulated all my affairs and 
 made my will. Let men sentence me to the rope 
 and Heaven condemn me to Hell I will always 
 have the satisfaction of knowing you arrived 
 there several months before me. 
 
 Guy D* You are a curious fellow, Sullen you 
 lose your balance fly off at a tangent before you 
 know whether you are striking at a real grievance 
 or a windmill. How do you know I am not ready 
 to do you justice? I am always open to convic- 
 tion, and in this instance I have been thoroughly 
 convinced both argument and reason are en- 
 tirely on your side. Sit down, then, like a good 
 child, and be quiet whilst I write you out a check. 
 
 Sul. No check for me 
 
 Guy D. No? 
 
 Sitl. It will be six hours before your bank 
 opens what is there to prevent your notifying 
 the officials in the meanwhile against cashing that 
 check on the ground it was extorted from you by 
 violence? 
 
 Guy D. What am I to do, then? No man, how- 
 ever rich, is in the habit of carrying ten thousand 
 dollars about with him in his pocket book. 
 
 Sul. You have the money convenient, all the 
 same. 
 
 Guy D. Have I where? 
 
 8ul. In a safe behind that screen. 
 
35 
 
 Guy D. You know of that, too? 
 
 tinl. As I know of many other things 
 
 GUI/ D. Well, Sullen, I'd like to oblige you, but 
 this safe belongs to the Baronness; it would not 
 be proper for me to open it without her permis- 
 sion, and as for touching her money 
 
 tiul. None of that poppy-cock, Devlin. The 
 money belongs to you ; it is only deposited here to 
 enable your agent, the Baronness, to make all pay- 
 ments in her own name, and so divert suspicion 
 from yourself. 
 
 (fin/ D. [Rising and sin U ing.] Decidedly, Sul- 
 len ; you will be a success in Congress. 
 
 tiul. Why? 
 
 (iu u D. Because you have a knack of overrul- 
 ing the chair. [Opens the safe.] 
 
 $1*7. I am happy to learn you have become cog- 
 nizant of the fact. 
 
 (iiiy D. [Muttering to himself, with a package of 
 bills in his hand.] Let me see, now. I must make 
 no* mistake one two three, four, five six, 
 seven eight [Pause.] nine ten correct. 
 There you are, my lad ten notes of a thousand 
 dollars each. 
 
 Sul. [Puts pistol on a chair, and counts the bills.] 
 All right I believe this about ends the business 
 I assure you the matter will never go any further. 
 \TIinists notes into his pocket, after that the pistol^- 
 I a Ices out key open* 1hc rear door, and is about pass- 
 ing out.] 
 
 (Jin/ D. [He has come forward in a languid, as- 
 sured way.] I say, Sullen 
 
 tiul. [Returning.] Did you call? 
 
Guy D. Haven't you forgotten something? 
 
 Sul. Not that I know of. 
 
 Guy D. Yes, you have. 
 
 Sul What? 
 
 Guy D. Why, to shake hands, old boy. 
 
 [They shake hands.] 
 
 Sul. Well, you're a good one. 
 
 Guy D. And you're a better Ha! Ha! [Con- 
 ducts Sullen to the door, patting him on the frac/c. As 
 he does this the Baronness slowly enters in a negligee.] 
 
 Bar. Mr. Devlin 
 
 Guy D. You? Baronness? 
 
 Bar. I was awakened from my sleep by some 
 disturbance. I thought you were being threat- 
 ened. Springing out of my bed, I hurried 
 
 Guy D. All for nothing, you see. 
 
 Bar. I am sure I heard voices. 
 
 Guy D. Yes, I was talking to myself. 
 
 Bar. W^hat were you saying? 
 
 Guy D. That the "Grinding Bill" would pass. 
 
 END.