Tjf* 1 *^ TT"^ ^"SL-'W W"^l JF 
 OR.CHY 
 
 SEWELL FOR.D
 
 TRYING OUT TOUCHY 
 
 DP CALIF. LIBRARY, LOS ANGELES
 
 THEN VEE HESITATES AND SMILES DOWN AT ME.
 
 TRYING OUT 
 TORGHY 
 
 BY 
 
 SEWELL FORD 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 TORCHY, ODD NUMBERS, ETC. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY 
 
 FOSTER LINCOLN 
 
 s* 
 
 N EW YORK 
 
 GROSSET & DUNLAP 
 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 COFYRIGHT, 1911, 1912, BT 
 
 SEWELL FORD 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1912, BT 
 EDWARD J. CLODB
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 6HAPTKE 
 
 I. THE ACID TEST FOB BEKTIE 
 
 EL WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE . 
 
 III. TRYING A WIZARD STUNT . 
 
 IV. UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD . 
 V. SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 
 
 VI. SCORING UP ONE FOR TOOTS BOY 
 
 VII. A BOOST FOR THE BENOS . 
 
 VIII. HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 
 
 IX. GETTING FROM UNDER 
 
 X. STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 
 
 XI. PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 
 
 XII. A LATE SCORE FOR VANDY 
 
 XIII. TORCHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 
 
 XIV. CATCHING A SIGNAL 
 
 XV. How OLD HICKORY CAME BACK . 
 
 XVI. SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY . 
 
 XVII. A KICK IN BY TORCHY 
 
 XVIII. PICKING UP A FRIEND . 
 
 XIX. How THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 
 
 2129599
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 THEN VEE HESITATES AND SMILES DOWN AT ME . Frontispiece 
 
 FACING 
 PAGE 
 
 "You CAN BEHAVE NICE AT TIMES," SAYS VEE . . 19 
 
 "GKEETINGS!" SAYS I. "WHAT'S THE NEWS FROM Tni- 
 
 BUCTU?" 59 
 
 A CASE OF WHICH COULD SPBINT FASTER . . .160 
 WE GET A GREETING LIKE A FOOTBALL TACKLE . . 238 
 SAPPY STANDS THERE WITH His MOUTH STILL OPEN 303
 
 TRYING OUT TORCH Y 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 THE ACID TEST FOR BERTIE 
 
 I AIN'T denyin' it, nor I ain't goin' hoarse 
 tryin' to prove it, either. Maybe I am the 
 
 highest salaried office boy in the business; 
 and then again Well, all I got to say is that 
 when I ain't worth what I draw down on Sat- 
 urday I want 'em to give me the chuck. And 
 I'd hand that out to the whole Board of Di- 
 rectors as quick as I'd whisper it to Piddie. 
 
 For if anyone thinks this is a rest cure job 
 of mine, sittin' here behind the brass gate and 
 passin' offhand on who to let in and who to keep 
 out, I'd like to see 'em turn the trick. Any- 
 way, it calls for something you can't work out 
 by any set of rules, or learn at a business col- 
 lege. And you can't go by your feelin's, either. 
 Why, there's some I have to bar out that I'd 
 like to slide through, and there's others I have 
 to throw the switch for prompt and smilnr 
 when if I had my way they'd get the sudden 
 shunt.
 
 2 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 But bein' foxy Freddie at one game don't 
 qualify you to kick in at 'em all, does it? 
 Every once in a while I discover that all over 
 again. Here the other day was a sample, when 
 I went up against it good and hard. 
 
 It wa'n't Vee's fault, anyway. I was tryin* 
 to play a scratch infield hit for a three-bagger, 
 I expect, and I used more speed than sense. 
 But, say, when I finds she and Aunty has lo- 
 cated temporary in some friend's apartment up 
 on Riverside Drive, and I'd called her up on the 
 'phone just to ask how she was gettin' along, 
 and she sort of hints that Saturday P.M. around 
 six or so she might be either comin' in or goin' 
 out, why well, I was there. 
 
 It's one of these swell new joints with only 
 a carriage entrance, ten stories, central court 
 with real rubber trees, lily pond almost as big 
 as a dinin' room table, and so on. There's a 
 couple of near- Venetian stone seats around the 
 pond, and after I'd bluffed the carriage opener 
 by askin' if Aunty had left any word for me, I 
 remarks that I guessed I'd better wait, and 
 camps down where I can get a view in at the 
 elevator. 
 
 Course, I was lookin' for Miss Vee to appear 
 casual, and I'd framed up a cozy little chat there 
 in the court, or maybe a short stroll down the 
 drive with her. Why not? Anyway, I was in a 
 real sociable frame of mind and wa'n't takin'
 
 THE ACID TEST FOE BERTI& & 
 
 any special notice of the taxis and victorias 
 comin' and goin', but was just indulgin' in rosy 
 dreams and keepin' one ear stretched for a 
 friendly hail, when all of a sudden I feels a 
 tap on my shoulder from behind. 
 
 ' ' Oh, you ! ' ' says I, kittenish. ' ' Wonder if 
 I can guess? '* 
 
 And with that I swings around. Miss Vee! 
 Nothing of the kind Aunty ! Uh-huh ! Aunty, 
 with her gold lorgnette up to her eyes and her 
 mouth corners set stern. She ain't a very 
 folksy old party at her best ; but when she gets 
 on that high society stare, and humps her eye- 
 brows, she sure is a frigid proposition. For 
 throwin' off sparks, though, she's a real live 
 wire. 
 
 " Well, young man? " says she. 
 
 " Ye-es'm," says I, grinnin' foolish. 
 
 " I was told by the carriage man that you 
 were waiting to see me," she goes on. 
 
 " He's a wonder, he is," says I. " Must 
 have had that on his mind all of ten minutes, 
 too. If I had a memory like that, I'd " 
 
 " Evidently you haven't," breaks in Aunty 
 sarcastic, " and if you still remember your er- 
 rand perhaps you will state it at once." 
 
 " Why," says I, throwin' in the high speed 
 thought gear, " I just dropped around, you 
 know, to to see if if you got your trunks and 
 things up from the steamer all right that day."
 
 ft TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Steamer! " says Aunty. " Why, that was 
 weeks ago and Oh ! Now I place you. You 
 are the young person who met Miss Ellins the 
 one Verona told me about? " 
 
 " Sounds like a complete description," 
 says I. 
 
 Aunty almost smiles and puts on a knowin* 
 look. " Perhaps," says she, " you would pre- 
 fer to make further inquiries of my niece! " 
 
 " I wouldn't dodge it," says I, "if it's all 
 the same to you." 
 
 " Why, to be sure," says Aunty. " She will 
 be here in a moment. I dropped them at the 
 florist's and Here they are now ! Pardon me 
 if I don't wait." 
 
 And I should have suspicioned something of 
 the kind the minute Aunty turned so oily. 
 " They " consists of Miss Vee and a him. And 
 he well, I hate to knock a perfect stranger; 
 but, honest, all I could think of was an upper 
 case I with feet. He's one of these satisfied, 
 contented big stiffs that can't seem to forget 
 the image in the glass, not just a Percy boy, 
 understand, he was too husky for that; but a 
 tall, wide shouldered, clean cut Eeginald, with 
 a sort of half bored, half amused look on his 
 face, as if everybody else was some kind of a 
 stale joke that had to be put up with until you 
 got to the important business of admirin' him. 
 
 It's clear from Vee's surprised look, though,
 
 that this wa'n't any put up job. She gives a 
 little gasp as she sees me, and then a chuckle, 
 and them gray eyes of hers kind of light up with 
 fun and mischief. 
 
 11 Oh! " says she, shiftin' a big bunch of 
 orchids to her left hand and holdin' out the 
 right. " I forgot, you know. Been waiting 
 long? " 
 
 " Less'n a month,'* says I; " but, then, 
 Aunty was here part of the time, and of course 
 that helped." 
 
 "Really?" says Vee. "What did she 
 But you must meet Mr. Cutting. Bert, this is 
 Torchy." 
 
 " Eh? " says Bert, tearin' his thoughts off'n 
 himself for a second and gazin' languid at me. 
 " Ah er I fear I didn't quite catch the 
 name. ' ' 
 
 " I don't want to boast," says I, " but it's 
 Torchy. ' ' Which brings another chuckle out of 
 Vee. " 
 
 "Ah!" says Mr. Cutting. "Bather odd, 
 what? Torchy. Hum-haw! " and he smothers 
 a yawn real polite. 
 
 " Don't mind me," says I. " Finish your 
 nap." 
 
 " Beg pardon? " says he, starin' puzzled. 
 " I ah think I haven't had the pleasure be- 
 fore. Live here? " And he rolls his eyes up at 
 the windows around us.
 
 6 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 "Met "says I. "How foolish! Fifth-ave, 
 when I ain't abroad, or at Newport." 
 
 " Ah! " says he, rousin' up enough to lift 
 his eyebrows. " Very interesting, I'm sure," 
 and with that he has a relapse back into him- 
 self, and I might have been one of the potted 
 palms for all the notice he takes of me after 
 that. 
 
 Worse than all, though, was the calldown I 
 got from that quick glance of Vee's. She didn't 
 say anything ; but what she meant plain enough 
 was that I'd been too fresh, joshin' her com- 
 p'ny that way. And then, when I tries to pass 
 it over by gettin' off a few chatty remarks, she 
 shrugs her shoulders careless and says how she 
 don't expect to be in town much this season. 
 They're off for Lenox next Monday, and after 
 that there'll be a seashore house party at 
 Swampscott perhaps, and later they'll be in the 
 mountains and so forth, don't you know. 
 Anyway, it was nice of me to come around and 
 say good-by; and before I know it I've got my 
 chin down and I'm inspectin' my toes like a 
 kid bein' sent home from school with a note 
 to mother. Also Mr. Cutting is smilin' sar- 
 castic and liftin' his hat. 
 
 " Chawmed to have met you," says he. " No 
 doubt I shall run across you later on at New- 
 port," and he don't take any pains to hide the 
 wink he tips Vee.
 
 THE ACID TEST FOE BEETIE 7 
 
 The neat comeback to that? Oh, sure, I 
 thought of half a dozen durin' the next 
 hour. But, sad to relate, just at that special 
 minute all the brilliant response I could think 
 of was to work up a turkey red color in my 
 ears, glare at him savage, and whirl on my heel. 
 Oh, yes, a prize exhibition, that was; and for 
 hours after I'm so proud of myself I'd been 
 glad to had someone push me around the block 
 with a No. 10 shoe ! 
 
 Not that I didn't recover in time. But it 
 wa'n't so gay that week, hearin' Izzy Bud- 
 heimer and that Tessie girl of his plannin* 
 evenin' trips over to Palisades Park, or seein' 
 the young couples sittin' out on the steps down 
 our block them moonlight nights, with me doin' 
 the lonesome sentry stunt. 
 
 Lenox and Swampscott Beach and the moun- 
 tains, eh? Well, I knew a queen that was float- 
 in' around them places, all right! But it struck 
 me I came mighty near bein' a two-spot in the 
 discard; and, while I ain't great on sympa- 
 thizin' with myself, I guess there was a few 
 days when my chest-measure must have been 
 subnormal. 
 
 Maybe I'd got farther into the dumps than 
 ever if it hadn't been for Piddie to take it out 
 on. He'd cheer up any but the most chronic 
 grouch, just to watch him get wild over little 
 things. By accident I discovers that one of the
 
 8 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 lady typists had been a country telegraph oper- 
 ator, back home in Ohio; so I digs up an old 
 pocket clicker I used to monkey with when I 
 was killin' time on the A. D. T. bench, and, 
 with her usin' the space bar on her machine, we 
 brushes up enough on the code so we could spell 
 out quite a few remarks across the room. And 
 Piddie he nearly froths at the mouth because he 
 can't locate what's goin' on. 
 
 We was so busy at it, here the other morning 
 that the first thing I knew there's Old Hickory 
 standin' at the door of his private office, scowl- 
 in' heavy and listenin'. No foolin' him, either. 
 He traces the clicks to me, first shot. 
 
 " Boy," he growls, " what are you making 
 that infernal racket with? " 
 
 I holds the clicker up and grins. " Just 
 practicing Sir," says I. 
 
 "Huh!" says he. "Think that's what 
 you're paid for, eh? ' 
 
 " No, Sir," says I. "If it was I'd be gettin' 
 more a week." 
 
 And you should have seen the picture of hor- 
 ror spread over Piddie 's face at that. It was 
 worth riskin' gettin' fired just to watch. But 
 instead of bringin' out the purple blotches on 
 Mr. Ellins' cheeks, like repartee of that kind 
 generally does, he cocks his head on one side, 
 stares at me squint eyed for a minute, and then 
 holds up one finger.
 
 THE ACID TEST FOB BEETIE 9 
 
 " Boy," says he, " come in here! " 
 
 "Well, I didn't know whether it meant bein' 
 used as a floor mop, or just meetin' sudden 
 death; but I leaves Piddie holdin' his breath 
 and walks in with the best imitation of a smile 
 I could fake up. Old Hickory don't act mur- 
 derous at that. He 's sittin ' in his big mahogany 
 swing chair chewin' a cigar thoughtful, and he 
 lets me shiver on the rug awhile before he looks 
 up. 
 
 " How much do you know about using that 
 thing? " says he. 
 
 " Eh! " I gasps out. " Oh, this? Why, I 
 can dribble out words on it; but I ain't any 
 Flicker McCann." 
 
 " Flicker who? " says he. 
 
 " McCann," says I. " Used to be the crack 
 A. P. sender on the Western news wire." 
 
 " I see," says Mr. Ellins. " Pupil of his, are 
 you? " 
 
 ' ' Gee, no ! " says I. ' ' All I know is what 
 I picked up from Pat Burns, manager around to 
 No. 19 when I was wearin' the cap. Tried to 
 work me in on the key so I could take locals 
 while he played pool next door." 
 
 " But could you read a message as it was 
 ticked off? " says he. 
 
 " Sure," says I, " unless it was comin' from 
 one of them flossy Morse wizards that makes it 
 sound like a buzz saw."
 
 10 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " How about wireless sending? " says he. 
 
 11 Cinch! " says I. " They don't rip it off 
 so fast. It's like readin' big print." 
 
 " Humph! " he grumbles, shuttin' his teeth 
 solid on the cigar while he inspects the ceilin'. 
 " You seem to have an amazing number of fool 
 accomplishments. I've a mind to test the util- 
 ity of this one." 
 
 " Go as far as you like, Mr. Ellins," says I. 
 
 " Understand, though," he adds, "I'm rely- 
 ing a good deal on a discretion which you sel- 
 dom exhibit. But there's no one else I can 
 ask." 
 
 " As long as I ain't picked for the hope of 
 the white race, ' ' says I, " or sent out distribut- 
 in' suffrage literature, I'll do my best. It ain't 
 blockin' a subpoena server, is it! ' 
 
 No, it was a strictly business proposition, 
 with a society twist. There was a pool of some 
 kind, with a lot of the big money bunch in it; 
 but one of the crowd was a young fellow who 'd 
 been rung in just because he'd inherited Papa's 
 seat on the Exchange and Papa's big holdings, 
 and he'd shown signs of weakenin' when he 
 found how deep he was gettin' in. Course, 
 there was nothin' to hold him but his word; but 
 he hadn't been tried out in a gentlemen's agree- 
 ment before. Thirty-six hours more was all 
 they asked him to stick by them ; but if he went 
 to dumpin' his stocks on a wabbly market ahead
 
 THE ACID TEST FOE BEETIE 11 
 
 of time the fat would be all over the gas 
 stove. 
 
 And see how Old Hickory handles a case like 
 that! He don't shake a club at Mr. "Weak 
 Knees, or sick a lot of bonehead gumshoe men 
 on his trail. He simply wires Mrs. Ellins to 
 invite the young man up to their Newport place 
 for a week-end, and has her send the steam 
 yacht down after him. Ain't that smooth? 
 And to keep his mind off business cares Mr. 
 Ellins suggests that Miss Marjorie and some 
 of her friends better come along too. 
 
 " But, blast it! " says Old Hickory, " it has 
 just occurred to me that the Althea has a wire- 
 less outfit aboard. See? " 
 
 " I get you," says I. " You want me to 
 sneak on, put the machine out of business, tie 
 the operator to the binnacle, and " 
 
 " Say, young man," breaks in Old Hickory, 
 " do you think this is a moving picture drama? 
 Tie nothing! You go as my special messenger, 
 with a tin document box which you are to de- 
 liver very carefully to my son Robert. He'll 
 be surprised to get it; but that doesn't matter. 
 What I want you to do on the way up is this : 
 keep an eye on a tall, good looking young chap 
 with an exaggerated sense of his own impor- 
 tance. His name is Cutting Albert Dunn Cut- 
 ting." 
 
 " Z-z-zing! " says I, under my breath.
 
 12 TEYING OUT TOKCHY 
 
 " Eh? " says Mr. Ellins. "Oh, I thought 
 yon spoke. Yes, Cutting. Watch him close, 
 keep near the wireless cabin, it's a little coop 
 just aft of the bridge, and listen for a selling 
 order. If he starts a message, you are to take 
 him one side, beg his pardon politely, and 
 hand him the note I'm going to write now. Got 
 that all clear? " 
 
 Did I have it? Why, I could have said it 
 backwards. Well, well! Bertie boy! Might 
 meet me again, eh? That was a joke once. 
 W'at ho ! To have a swell yachtin' trip thrown 
 at you offhand, and then a bonus like this hung 
 up besides! Say, I was so afraid of showin' 
 how tickled I was that I must have overdone 
 the business. 
 
 " Come, come! " says Old Hickory. " If it's 
 going to bore you like that ' 
 
 " It ain't," says I. "I was only wonderin', 
 in case I did have to slip anything over on this 
 Mr. Cutting, if it would hurt his feelin's bad." 
 
 " Hang his feelings! " snorts Old Hickory. 
 " He's an overbearing young puppy, and if 
 he's cad enough to take advantage of my hos- 
 pitality to try any of his tricks on me, I want 
 him to squirm for it. He will too, if he has 
 occasion to read what I'm going to write. And 
 if he doesn't cancel that selling order within 
 five minutes after, you file a message to that 
 effect and I'll spring a surprise on him that
 
 THE ACID TEST FOE BERTIE 13 
 
 he won't get over in a lifetime. But I'd rather 
 not just now, and let's hope he behaves. That's 
 all. I've ordered the Althea to sail from East 
 23d-st. at eleven-thirty, and you may have half 
 an hour to get your toothbrush and extra col- 
 lar and report back here. Send Mr. Piddie in 
 as you go out." 
 
 " Toothbrush and extra collar," thinks I, 
 " for a trip to Newport! Gee! " I've no 
 sooner shooed Piddie through the door than I 
 rushes into the film' department, backs Izzy 
 Budheimer into a corner, and makes a deal to 
 hire his sporty new vacation outfit that he'd 
 just been showin' me in the coatroom, two- 
 piece white flannel suit, with white canvas 
 shoes to match, and a white felt hat. Izzy'd 
 been gatherin' the costume at bargain sale? 
 against the time when he makes his annual 
 splurge at Far Rockaway; but, as that event 
 was two weeks off and I was wavin' three whole 
 dollars at him enticin', he couldn't resist. 
 
 11 All right," says Izzy, swallowin' hard; 
 " but see you pull them pants up every time 
 you sit down." 
 
 " Izzy," says I, " I won't think of anything 
 else." 
 
 And talk about class ! You should have seen 
 me after I'd had a half-hour session in the chief 
 engineer's stateroom and starts to walk aft, 
 There was Marjorie, strainin' the seams of her
 
 14 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 blue yachtin' costume; and a long necked, 
 frizzy haired young lady friend of hers ; and a 
 giddy lookin' middle aged blonde with jet ear 
 pendants that I took for a widow doin' the 
 chaperon act; and in the center of the group, 
 leanin' back graceful with his cigarette, was 
 Mr. Cutting, enjoyin' his own society and not 
 botherin' much about anything else. I could 
 see Marjorie's eyes bug out as she gets her 
 first view of the new arrival, and a minute later 
 she comes skippin' over. 
 
 " Why, Torchy! " she squeals. " How do 
 you happen to " 
 
 " S-s-s-sh! " says I, wavin' her away mys- 
 terious. " Cut it out! " 
 
 " But why? " says she, gawpin'. 
 
 "I'm incog," says I. " Important business. 
 Make out you don't know me." 
 
 " How absurd! " says she. " Besides, 
 there's someone else on board who will. She's 
 in the after saloon. Wait. Oh, Vee! I say, 
 Vee! " 
 
 And there was no place to dodge, either. 
 Out she comes, lookin ' more stunnic ' than ever 
 in her white serge. And perhaps them big 
 eyes of hers don't open up some! 
 
 " O-o-o-oh! " says she. "Why, it's 
 Torchy! " 
 
 " And doesn't he look great, though? " 
 gushes Mar.jorie.
 
 THE ACID TEST FOR BERTIE 15 
 
 " Awfully smart," says Vee. " But how 
 why" 
 
 " S-s-s-sh! " says Marjorie. " He's on a 
 secret mission. Important! In disguise, you 
 know! " 
 
 " My, my! " says Vee, rollin' her eyes. 
 " Really? " 
 
 u Terribly exciting, isn't it! " Marjorie rat- 
 tles on. " Almost gives you the shivers to " 
 
 ' * Ah, can it ! " says I. ' ' Humorous stuff 
 like that's too good to waste on me. Save it 
 for a disk record." 
 
 But you know how girls are when they think 
 they've dug up a real funny thought all by 
 themselves. There's no chokin' 'em off. So 
 I walks away and leaves 'em gigglin' and 
 chucklin'. Oh, yes, they had a perfectly good 
 time for awhile, exchangin' boardin' school 
 josh, tiptoein' past with their fingers en their 
 lips, and even stalkin' me with a camera to 
 get snapshots. That's Marjorie ! For a heavy- 
 weight cutup she's the limit, and Vee follows 
 her lead. 
 
 And me? Well, I'd been jarred into showin* 
 the wrong side of my disposition once, and now 
 I wa'n't battin' an eyelash. Besides, I was on 
 my job. There was a certain party aboard 
 that was go in' to get all the attention I had to 
 spare, and until I'd got him right I couldn't 
 bother with anything else.
 
 16 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 But if Mr. Cutting had business worries on 
 his mind he didn't show it. He stretches him- 
 self out comf 'table as we skims along up the 
 East River and into the Sound, lights a fresh 
 cigarette now and then, and listens languid to 
 the jolly the blonde widow seems to be puttin' 
 over. Then, when the girls get tired of havin' 
 fun with me, he allows them to join the ad- 
 mirin' circle. 
 
 So I move off to locate the wireless man, asks 
 him if he's usin' Morse or the Continental, gets 
 him to admit that the air is as full of holes as 
 a Swiss cheese to-day, and then reads all the 
 baseball news in two noon extras I've brought 
 along. Still Mr. Cutting shows no signs of get- 
 tin' nervous. 
 
 " Gee! " says I to myself. " He's got to, 
 that's all! " 
 
 So after lunch I begins. The first two or 
 three times that I walks past and shoots over 
 the suspicious squint at him he hardly notices; 
 but I keeps it up, pacin' back and forth reg'lar, 
 until I catches him followin' me out of the 
 corner of his eye. Next I notices him askin' 
 somethin' of Marjorie, hears her giggle, and I 
 knows she's tellin' him how I'm on a special 
 job for Papa. He appears kind of int 'rested at 
 that. 
 
 My next move is to hold up the wireless 
 operator as he passes by, ask more fool ques-
 
 THE ACID TEST FOR BERTIE 17 
 
 tions about how the juice is workin', and then 
 casually remark that I suppose Wall Street 
 ain't quieted down any since the mornin' 
 flurry. Course, he ain't heard anything of the 
 kind, and likely wouldn't if it had been so; but 
 Mr. Albert Dunn Cutting pricks up his ears. 
 
 As a follow up to this I tries fixin' Bertie with 
 a sleuthy stare from behind a newspaper. It 
 got him, too. He wiggles around more or less, 
 twists his neck every other minute to see if I'm 
 still at it, misses conversation cues, and begins 
 to look at his watch. Fin'lly he breaks away 
 and starts pacin' the deck, and as he goes up 
 one side I goes down on the other. I spots him 
 lookin' anxious at the extras I has in my 
 pocket; so I tosses 'em overboard. 
 
 It was two-fifteen, with three-quarters of an 
 hour before the gong would stop tradin' for the 
 day, and I judged that Mr. Cutting knew all 
 about it to the fraction of a minute. He paces 
 up as far as the wireless coop, and I leans over 
 the rail to give him all the rope he needs. But 
 all he does is look in and then go back to the 
 girls. They don't find him very entertainin' 
 comp'ny, though. Two minutes more and he's 
 up pacin' again, and at two-thirty exactly he's 
 askin' the wireless man for a blank. 
 
 " Aha, aha, aha! " says I to myself. 
 
 He scribbles off something nervous, hands it 
 to the operator, and starts back to his chair.
 
 18 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 But I'm right there in his path, with Old Hick* 
 ory's note all ready to hand over. 
 
 " Excuse me for buttin' in," says I; " but, 
 are you dead sure you want that sent? " f 
 
 " Eh? " says he, stoppin' short. " Oh, the 
 message? Why, have you heard from the 
 match? " 
 
 Then it was my turn to gawp. 
 
 " Tennis finals, you know, up at New- 
 castle? " he goes on. " Lantry's a chum of 
 mine, and I'm anxious to know how he's com- 
 ing on with the English champion. You had 
 some extras, didn't you? Anything in them, 
 may I ask? " 
 
 Don't sound like a bluff, either. He goes on to 
 say, too, how he kind of hated to use Mr. Ellins ' 
 wireless so free; but 
 
 " Ah, squash! " says I, takin' a deep breath 
 at the thought of how narrow I'd missed makin' 
 a chump of myself. " Use him? Why, that's 
 what he's here for. Who you tryin' to call, the 
 ticker people? Ah, they're dead ones on events 
 like that. Say, lemme call up Whitey, who's 
 the only real live sporting editor in New York. 
 He's a friend of mine, and he'll give us the lat- 
 est, Mr. Cutting." 
 
 How did I know, after all? Say, didn't I 
 read his message, while I was writin' mine to 
 Whitey? And then didn't I boss that operator 
 around like I owned the boat until he gets us
 
 THE ACID TEST FOE BERTIE 19 
 
 the complete score and Mr. Cutting knows all 
 about how his friend had put it all over the 
 British champ? Well, I guess! He appreci- 
 ates it too, and when he walks aft again Bert 
 is pattin' me on the back like I was a long lost 
 brother, and he's so woke up and good natured 
 that he lets the frizzy haired girl lead him over 
 to a shady corner to tell him the story of her 
 life. And as the widow has found her place in 
 a novel she's tryin' to read, and as Marjorie 
 beats it below for her reg'lar afternoon nap, 
 it's a case of Vee and me with the deck to our- 
 selves. 
 
 She opens by hitchin' her chair up. " You 
 can behave nice at times, can't you? " says she. 
 
 " Guess I ain't any star performer, at that," 
 says I. 
 
 " You don't have stupid spells, though, I 
 hope? " says she, glancin' over at Bert, who's 
 tryin' to smother another yawn. 
 
 " Depends some on the comp'ny," says I. 
 " Just now I feel real wide awake." 
 
 " Think it will last? " says she. 
 
 " When my foot goes to sleep I'll let you 
 know," says I. 
 
 " Silly! " says she. " Let's go up toward 
 the bow, where the breeze is better." 
 
 Well, we did. Also who was it sits up front 
 with Vee and watches the moonlight after din- 
 ner? As the other four was playin' auction
 
 20 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 bridge on the after deck, I'll give you one guess. 
 Uh-huh! Little Willie, all dolled up in white, 
 and yachtin' up to Newport like a bloomin' 
 plute! Course, it don't last forever, and next 
 mornin' early it's me packin' up to catch 
 train back. But that was some evenin'! 
 
 11 How about young Cutting? " says Old 
 Hickory, as I shows up next afternoon. 
 
 " Full of nicks," says I, tossin' over the note 
 I'd come so near makin' a fool play with; " but, 
 barrin' that, he's straight as a string. Any- 
 way, I found out that stock deals don't worry 
 him much, and I guess all that perfectly good 
 yacht sleuthing I done was a total loss, Mr. 
 Ellins; but any time you've got more of it to 
 hand out, don't be afraid to call on me. Next 
 throw it might take."
 
 
 You CAN BEHAVE NICE AT TIMES," SAYS VEE. Page 19.
 
 CHAPTER H 
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 
 
 i 
 
 THAT was what you might call an errand de 
 luxe, though. They don't come every day, even 
 to a star performer like me. Honest, there's 
 days and days at the Corrugated when things 
 drift along without any more help from me 
 than your ordinary cheap skate office boy could 
 hand out. Course though, I'm right on deck 
 when they do need me. Meantime such speci- 
 mens as Algy keeps things from gettin' too 
 monotonous. 
 
 We'd had Algy much as five or six weeks, and 
 he'd come to be a reg'lar standin' joke here at 
 the Corrugated. You know. Every big office 
 has one that's as much a part of the fixtures 
 as the copy press or the spring water tank. 
 They come in handy, too, keepin' the force 
 cheered up on dull days, and actin' as sort of 
 escape valves for all the cheap humor that can't 
 be unloaded on anyone else. 
 
 How Algy ever dodged bein' a man milliner 
 or a floor walker in the cloak and suit depart- 
 ment, I couldn't figure out; for he had all the 
 points. One of these mushy lookin', soft 
 
 21
 
 22 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 spoken, biscuit haired, white livered, young 
 wrist slappers, Algy was ; with a complexion as 
 ruddy as a pail of lard, skim-milk blue eyes, 
 and a set of parlor manners that was as good 
 as a correspondence course in etiquette just 
 to watch. 
 
 Up and down there was quite a lot to Algy; 
 but he was thickest through at about the point 
 where his throat apple bulged through his 
 white wings collar. And in his long sack coat 
 and narrow patent leather shoes he certainly 
 was ornamental to have around the office. 
 
 It was Old Hickory's idea of having a man 
 stenographer added to the staff. As he ex- 
 plains careful to Piddie, there was times when 
 he just naturally had to cuss durin' business 
 hours, and, while some of the lady typists was 
 fairly well broke in, he couldn't always do 
 justice to his feelin's with them takin' dicta- 
 tion. So he gives orders to take on a man 
 shorthand expert, that wouldn't turn pink 
 and swallow his gum when he really cut 
 
 And Piddie, who's got a head on him like 
 a lima bean well, he picks Algy for the job. 
 First mornin' he shows up at the gate and an- 
 nounces who he is I could hardly believe it. 
 
 " Honest? " says I. " Why, you bold thing! 
 Sure you ain't mistook this for a mother's 
 help ' sit 'f "
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 3 
 
 Algy, he only smiles kind of weary and asks 
 where he shall hang up his hat and coat. 
 
 " Ladies' cloakroom to the right, men's to 
 the left," says I. " Take your choice, Algy." 
 
 But there's no gettin' a rise out of him, 
 though. I tried him out good and plenty that 
 first week without rufflin' a feather, and you 
 can bet if the jabs I sent in didn't get home, 
 nothin' Izzy Budheimer and them other flat- 
 heads could think up would have any effect. 
 
 For, in spite of his meek ways, Algy had a 
 hide like a sole leather trunk. Seemed like he 
 was used to that sort of joshin' and didn't 
 mind it any more. Algernon Eogers Pratt was 
 the name he registered with the cashier; but 
 he'd answer to Miss Pratt, or Algy dear, just 
 as cheerful as he would to anything else. 
 
 " Come, Deary," I'd say to him, " fix your 
 side combs and trot into the private office : Mr. 
 Ellins is ready for you." 
 
 And I wouldn't get so much as a pout from 
 him. So of course as a joke he got a little 
 tame to me. 
 
 He wa'n't a joke to Old Hickory, though. 
 He was just a disappointment. I didn't tum- 
 ble to how the boss was takin' Algy for near 
 a week, either, and then one day I happened 
 to be in at the desk just as Algy gathers up his 
 notebook and glides out. Old Hickory turns 
 and glares after him savage, and then rips out
 
 24 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 a few atmosphere scorchers that almost blis 
 ters the varnish. 
 
 " Phew! ' : says he, stoppin' for breath. 
 " I've been keeping all that bottled up for the 
 last hour. Torchy, where in the merry Mith- 
 ridates did Mr. Piddie ever find such a limp 
 spined specimen? ' 
 
 " Who, Algy? " says I. " Why, that's his 
 idea of a man stenographer, I guess." 
 
 " Huh! " snorts Mr. Ellins. " That isn't a 
 man: that's a parody. He ought to be wearing 
 a tube skirt and doing fancywork. Why, when 
 he's in here I don't feel that I can even say 
 darn, and it's getting on my nerves." 
 
 Old Hickory must have let out some of this 
 in other quarters, too, judgin' by the way Pid- 
 die proceeds to rub it into Algy every chance 
 he gets. Course, the thing to do was to give 
 him the chuck first payday, but, as I under- 
 stands it, Mr. Ellins won't have that. He 
 sticks out for a straight deal towards the help, 
 Old Hickory does, and one of the red ink rules 
 of the Corrugated is that nobody gets the can 
 tied to 'em unless they've earned it good and 
 proper. Personal grouches don't count with 
 him, and he follows his own dope. 
 
 But, say, between Piddie goin' sour on him 
 that way, and all the rest of us usin' him as a 
 comic feeder, Algy's workin' hours couldn't 
 have been a dream of delight.
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 25 
 
 He don't squeal, though, or even so much as 
 run out his tongue by way of gettin' back at 
 us ; and I don 't know as you can blame us much 
 if we kind of got into the habit of treatin' him 
 as if he wa'n r c exactly human. You know 
 how it is? All I could see to Algy was a sort 
 of livin' machine that could take dictation like 
 a streak and thump a typewriter until he al- 
 most had the bearin's hot. That he might have 
 a home somewhere, and relations, and private 
 ideas of his own about things, never struck me 
 until 
 
 Well, it was one afternoon here a week or so 
 ago. I'd jumped out on the stroke of five and 
 was two blocks away before I remembers about 
 an extra bunch of letters Piddie had told me 
 special to dump in the substation. So it was 
 a case of beatin' it back and gettin' 'em. The 
 scrubwoman was already on the job as I got 
 off at our floor; but there wa'n't anyone else 
 in sight. 
 
 That is, I didn't see anyone as I dashed in, 
 and I'd grabbed the letters and was turnin' to 
 rush out again, when over in the corner I 
 spots this grief spectacle. It's Algy, slumped 
 forward on his little typewriter table, his 
 head between his arms, and his shoulders 
 heavin' up and down from deep emotion. 
 Course, I couldn't resist a good chance like 
 that.
 
 26 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 "Well, well!" says I. " Workin' the 
 sprinkler, eh ? How harrowin ' ! ' ' 
 
 Algy, he straightens up for a second at 
 that, and when he's seen who it is he caves in 
 again. But it's long enough for me to see I 
 was wrong on the sprinkler guess. However 
 bad he felt, he wa'n't leakin' any brine 
 over it. 
 
 11 Enjoyin' a dry one, eh! " says I. " Well, 
 what's happened now? Some of the lady typ- 
 ists been actin' catty? " 
 
 " Please, Torchy! " says he, shakin' his head 
 sad. " I I don't wish to talk about it." 
 
 " Ah, it'll do you good to get it out of your 
 system," says I. " Come on, now, who's be- 
 haved horrid to you? Piddie been naggin' 
 again? " 
 
 " Oh, I don't mind Mr. Piddie," says Algy. 
 " He he isn't fair, that's all. But Mr. Ellins 
 well, he had no right to say it." 
 
 " Old Hickory, eh? " says I. "Oh, I can 
 guess. Something went wrong, I expect, and 
 he turned on the lurid language. Tore off 
 some real naughty words, did he? ' 
 
 Algy nods. " Never in all my life," he be- 
 gins, " did I ever hear such 
 
 " Well, you stick around the Corrugated 
 awhile longer," I breaks in, " and you'll hear 
 more. But don't you care. He don't mean 
 anything by it."
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 27 
 
 11 But I didn't care," says Algy. " It was 
 his apologizing afterward that hurt." 
 
 " Whe-e-e-ew! " says I. " Old Hickory 
 apologized, did he? ' 
 
 " Not in fun, either," complains Algy. 
 t( He he meant it. Apologized to me just as 
 if I was was But I'm not going to stand 
 it. I'm going to quit, that's all! " 
 
 " Stop your kiddin', Algy," says I. " You 
 wouldn't want to break his heart that way." 
 
 " Oh, I know," says Algy, real bitter. "I'm 
 a joke. I've always been a joke. But I'm 
 through being one. I'll show him, and every- 
 one else! They'll see! I'm going to clear out 
 now and do what I've always wanted to do 
 Aunt Hattie or no Aunt Hattie." 
 
 " Eh? " says I. " Hadn't heard of her be- 
 fore." 
 
 " She's the one I've been living with since 
 Mother died," says Algy. " It's on her ac- 
 count I've been staying and putting up with 
 all this. She didn't want me to go. She al- 
 ways cries and takes on every time I speak of 
 starting West and being a cowboy." 
 
 " Wh-a-a-at! " I gasps. " Say, Algy, put 
 that last across once more, so I'll be sure my 
 ears ain't members of the Ananias Club. Cow- 
 boy, did you say? " 
 
 " Why not? " demands Algy, stiff enin' up. 
 
 And when I'd caught my breath once more
 
 28 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 and smoothed my face out, I made him give 
 me the details. And, say, folks get queer 
 quirks, don't they? I expect lots of us has 
 some sneakin' idea that sometime or other 
 we'll be this or that; an idea that we keep- 
 tucked away private and don't often talk about. 
 But Algy as a cowboy! Can you surround 
 it? 
 
 " How long you been feedin' this bug? " 
 says I. 
 
 " Why, a long time," says Algy. *' I began 
 thinking about it when I was clerking in the 
 store." 
 
 " Aha! " says I. " I knew! Eibbon counter, 
 wa'n't it? " 
 
 " Why, all over," says Algy. " You see, 
 Father used to have a little fancy goods store 
 on 125th-st. Then when he died Mother kept 
 it on, with Aunty to help. I was brought up in 
 the store, as you might say. I didn't want to 
 be a clerk; but there was no escape. A boy 
 of ten can't say what he'll do. I had rather 
 have been out playing with the other fellows, of 
 course; but they wouldn't let me. Besides, 
 they needed me to help in the store. Yes, I've 
 sold ribbon, miles of it; and lace, and corsets, 
 and hosiery, and embroidery silks. And I've 
 been days almost without speaking to a boy 
 or a man just women. But I couldn't help 
 it, I tell you! I hated it, hated it! "
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 29 
 
 I wouldn't have thought, either, that Algy 
 ould look so fierce, or that he had such a deep 
 voice. 
 
 " I used to read and think and dream about 
 being something different," he goes on. ''I 
 wanted to live out in the open air, out in the 
 sun and wind and rain, and be a man among 
 men. I could, you know. I'm not so weak and 
 soft as I look. But what chance have I had, 
 brought up among women in a fancy goods 
 store? Then, when the big department stores 
 crowded us out and we had to close, and 
 Mother died well, I had to do something. 
 And all Aunty would let me try was stenog- 
 raphy; so I I'm that! But I'm through! 
 There ! Hang the old notebook ! ' ' And bang 
 it goes, clear across the room. " Drat the 
 beastly pencils ! ' ' Algy sends a shower of 'em 
 against the safe. " Darn the old typewriter, 
 too ! ' With which he lands, a kick on the tin 
 cover of the machine. 
 
 II Fine! " says I. " But what next? " 
 
 " Why," says Algy, " now I'm going home 
 and tell Aunt Hattie that I start to-morrow to 
 be a cowboy." 
 
 " Algy," says I, " don't." 
 
 " But I will," says he. Algy has his chin up 
 too, and his shoulders back, and there's a busi- 
 nesslike look to the way he holds his jaw. 
 
 * ' Just as you say, ' ' says I ; ' ' but lemme give
 
 30 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 you this tip: You won't be out among them 
 flannel shirts two days before they'll have you 
 skinned alive. Why, Algy, don't you know 
 you'd be as welcome on some ranch as a pussy- 
 cat in a roomful of fox terriers ! Go on, Algy; 
 but as you're jumpin' across the prairie some 
 night, with your eyes bugged and a bunch of 
 frolicsome beef producers behind tryin' to 
 shoot the heels off your shoes, just remember 
 that you was warned. ' ' 
 
 " Pooh! " says Algy. " Cowboys don't do 
 that sort of thing nowadays, you know. Be- 
 sides, if it comes to that, I could do a little 
 shooting too." 
 
 " What with/' says I, " an air rifle? " 
 
 And that was the first time I'd ever fetched 
 a pout out of Algy. " See here! " says he. 
 " You come up to Henry's with me now, and 
 I'll show you whether I can shoot or not! ' 
 
 Well, just for the fun of it, I let Algy tow 
 me up to a gallery on Eighth-ave. I stood one 
 side while the boss dug out a special gun that 
 he seemed to keep reserved for him. It wa'n't 
 any .22-short affair, but a real blue steel baby 
 cannon with life sized bullets. And, while I 
 ain't any judge, I should say by the way Algy 
 rung the bell and blew up the clay pipes that 
 he was some crack. 
 
 ' ' Good work ! ' ' says I. ' ' You must have 
 burned some powder here."
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 31 
 
 " Ask Henry," says he. " It was nearly five 
 years ago that he began to teach me to shoot.'* 
 
 " What about ridin' them buckin' bronchos, 
 though? " says I. " You know they don't herd 
 steers in taxicabs." 
 
 " But I can ride some too," says Algy. 
 " You shall see. Come up to Morland's." 
 
 " Morland's, eh? " says I. " Say, Algy, why 
 the disguise? Why didn't you tell us you was 
 a plute sport? " 
 
 "I'm one of the evening instructors there, 
 that's all," says he. " Of course, I had to pay 
 at first; but I got them to give me lessons at 
 odd times for half price. And, say, they've 
 just brought in a new mustang that's rather 
 lively. If you don't mind waiting a few min- 
 utes, too, I'll get into my cowboy costume and 
 bring out my lariat." 
 
 Say, there was no hot air about Algy's talk. 
 He produced the goods. I couldn't hardly be- 
 lieve it was him, either, with them fringed 
 things on his legs, and the spurs and the wide 
 brimmed hat. Honest, he looked the part, and 
 the stunts he did on that wicked eyed little 
 mustang you wouldn't believe. Then when it 
 come to the lasso business he had me with my 
 tongue out for fair. You've seen 'em twirl the 
 rope in them gunpowder shows they used to 
 have at the Garden, makin' a loop and jumpin' 
 through it, and all that? Well, what does
 
 32 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 Algy do but jump the blamed pony through his 
 loop, and him in the saddle all the time. 
 
 11 And you mean to say you've always lived 
 in New York, too? " says I. 
 
 " I've never been west of Paterson," says 
 Algy. ' ' But, you see, this is the sort of thing 
 I've lived for. I've spent all my spare time 
 and money on it, so as to be ready when my 
 chance came. Now, take throwing the rope; 
 an ex-cowboy whom I found working in a 
 livery stable taught me to do that. But I had 
 to practice hours and hours, week in and week 
 out. I was bound to get it, though. ' ' 
 
 " Guess you have," says I. " Algy, you're 
 a wonder! Still, when it comes to mixin' with 
 one of them ranch crowds, I can see your 
 finish. ' ' 
 
 " Oh, I guess I can take care of myself," 
 says he. ''I'm going to try, anyhow." 
 
 I expect, too, if it hadn't been for this little 
 session with Algy, I'd never noticed the argu- 
 ment a pair of gents was havin' in the seat 
 across from me, ridin' down in the Subway. 
 One was a tall, flashy dressed party, and the 
 other was a short, thickset duck that answers 
 to the name of Mandelbaum and converses 
 mostly with his hands. 
 
 " Veil, fire him, vy don'd you? " says Man- 
 delbaum. 
 
 " After me bringin' him clear on from San
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 33 
 
 Antonio to play the part? " says the other. 
 " You said get the real thing, and he's it. Any- 
 way, he has a reputation as a gun fighter, and 
 claims to be the champion broncho buster and 
 lariat juggler of ten counties. But he missed 
 three rehearsals this week, and we can't have 
 him spoil three thousand feet of films on us, 
 can we? " 
 
 ' * Veil, fire him, fire him ! ' ' insists Mandel- 
 baum. 
 
 " But, my dear man," says the other, " I 
 can't go out on Broadway and pick up cowboys 
 at a moment's notice. Who can I get to fill 
 Ms place? " 
 
 11 Excuse me for buttin' in," says I, " but 
 maybe I've got the answer." 
 
 It was a brassy thing to do, I admit; but I'd 
 got more or less int 'rested in Algy's case, and 
 it was worth a chance. After starin' a minute 
 they gave me an openin', and first thing I knew 
 we was each statin' our case. Seems this Mr. 
 Kreegan, which was the name of the other gent, 
 was up against it. He was manager of a big 
 movin' picture outfit and had a bunch of forty 
 people somewhere over on Long Island re- 
 hearsin' for one of them film dramas, " The 
 Cowboy's Wooing," or something like that. 
 
 He explains how they was sparin' no ex- 
 pense to get the right people for the leadin* 
 roles, which was why he'd brought on this Bed
 
 54 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 River Bill from so far away. But Bill had got 
 the shine of the white lights in his eyes so bad 
 he couldn't see anything dimmer 'n illuminated 
 cafe signs, and he wa'n't lettin' rehearsals 
 bother him at all. Hence the furrowed brow 
 on Kreegan. Also that was why he was willin' i 
 to listen to my description of Algy's stunts. 
 
 " Huh! " says he, after I've sketched out the 
 shootin' gallery and ridin' academy acts. 
 " But is he the real thing? " 
 
 ' * Ah, say ! ' ' says I. * ' Would I know him if 
 he was? Course he ain't. But he can look the 
 part, and when it comes to puttin' up a classy 
 Wild West performance well, you ought to 
 see him, that's all." 
 
 ' ' Vy nod I ' ' says Mandelbaum. ' * Maybe ve 
 could get him cheap." 
 
 " That's so," says Kreegan. " See here, 
 Son, when could we " 
 
 " Eight now," says I. " Here; change at 
 14th and jump an uptown express. We'll 
 catch him before he leaves the academy." 
 
 It was a queer thing for me to be doin', 
 towin' a pair of strangers up to meet Algy; but 
 that story of his about how he 'd always wanted 
 a chance to play the real man kind of got me 
 shinnyin' on Algy's side. Course, I knew he 
 didn't have it in him to make good as the 
 genuine article; but here was an openin' that 
 seemed to fit him to the life. Actin' the cow-
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 35 
 
 boy would probably satisfy all that secret 
 yearnin' of his; and, anyway, it would be a 
 lot safer for him. 
 
 So, inside of half an hour Algy was goin' 
 through his whole bag of tricks again. Did he 
 make a hit? Why, Kreegan was tickled to 
 death! 
 
 " Great! " says he. " He's the slickest rope 
 handler in the business, and if we can get those 
 stunts on the films we'll have ' The Great Train 
 Robbery ' beaten to a frazzle. How about offer- 
 ing him seventy-five a week? " 
 
 " Make it fifty," suggests Mandelbaum. 
 
 And, in spite of my tryin' to give Algy the 
 holdout signal, he signs up for that on the spot. 
 Can you blame him? He'd been drawin' down 
 about that much a month at the Corrugated. 
 
 " Good! " says Kreegan. " There's a check 
 for the first week in advance. Report at ten 
 sharp to-morrow morning. I'll hunt up Red 
 River Bill and fire him to-night. He '11 be sore, 
 I expect; but if he comes around making any 
 trouble, I'll have him put away." 
 
 Which last remark begins to worry me more 
 or less, right from the start. Course, I wa'n't 
 exactly responsible for Algy's gen'ral health; 
 but if I'd been and let him in for a muss with 
 this Bill party, and anything sudden should 
 happen well, it wouldn't be nice. 
 
 11 Look here, Mr. Kreegan," says I, takin'
 
 36 
 
 him one side, " just remember that my friend 
 ain't used to bein' handled rough." 
 
 " Oh, we'll look out for him, all right," says 
 Kreegan. " And I'm much obliged to you for 
 putting us next. Eeckon I owe you five or so 
 as a commission for " 
 
 " Nix," says I. " Spend it on keepin' Algy 
 from gettin' punctured." 
 
 And the more I thought the thing over, the 
 uneasier I got. My first move, of course, is 
 to tell Old Hickory what had become of his 
 private stenographer, and as soon as he found 
 he'd got rid of him for good, he begins remem- 
 berin' Algy's good points, too. Also he has 
 the same suspicions I do about what this Bed 
 Kiver gent might hand to Algy if he got fussin' 
 around. 
 
 About the third day after he calls me in and 
 wants to know if I've heard anything from Al- 
 gernon. 
 
 " Not a word," says I. " There ain't been 
 any accounts in the papers, either." 
 
 " A case of that kind might be hushed up, 
 though," says Mr. Ellins. " Meanwhile, 
 there's no telling what they've done to him, 
 he's such a helpless creature. I'll tell you, 
 Torchy, you had better look up this moving 
 picture firm and make some inquiries." 
 
 That was enough for me. With a chilly 
 feelin' down the spine I starts off to find out
 
 WHEN ALGY WAS IN LINE 37 
 
 tlie worst. They had a Broadway office, and 
 I pikes right for it. By luck I nails Kreegan 
 just as he's comin' out of the entrance. 
 
 " Hey, you! " says I, grabbin' him by the 
 elbow. " Is is Algy all right? " 
 
 " Is he? " says Kreegan, rubbin' his hands 
 enthusiastic. " Why, he's a topliner! We're 
 tryin' to sign him up for a two years' con- 
 tract." 
 
 " Then he ain't been shot or carved up by 
 Boozy Bill yet? " says I. 
 
 " What him? " says Kreegan. " Well, 
 hardly ! Oh, Bill came around, all right, loaded 
 for trouble ; but he hadn 't much more than stated 
 his grievance and let out a few yelps before 
 that Algy of yours had roped him and dragged 
 him through a creek. Yes, Sir, slam bang 
 through four feet of muddy water, and if we'd 
 had the picture machine trained on the scene 
 I'd have given a thousand dollars. Bill? The 
 last we saw of him he was headed southwest, 
 running like a scared pup. Say, you can trust 
 Algy. All I wish is that we could count on 
 him for the rest of the season." 
 
 " Why, he ain't goin' to quit, is he? " says I. 
 
 11 I'm afraid so," says Kreegan. " It's all 
 Mrs. Managan's fault Panhandle Kate, you 
 know, who does the fancy gun shooting for us. 
 She's a widow, and quite a looker. Used to 
 travel with the big tent shows; but now she
 
 38 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 owns a ranch of her own down in the long grass 
 country, and she only does this for the fun of 
 the thing. She took a shine to Algy that first 
 day, and they've been getting thicker and 
 thicker ever since. It's a match, I reckon, and 
 as soon as we run off this set of films I expect 
 they'll both be quitting. Your Algy will be 
 bossing a fifty-thousand-dollar ranch by this 
 time next month. And, say, I pity the fresh 
 cowpuncher who picks him out for a softy. 
 He's more or less of a man, Algy is." 
 
 What do you know, eh? Algy! Think of it! 
 Well, wishin' and tryin' will do wonders some- 
 times, won't they?
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 TBYING A WIZAKD STUNT 
 
 SAY, maybe you '11 think I'm onlybreathin 5 it 
 gusts of wind; but some of these gentle spijig 
 days I'm goin' to be discovered for the buddin' 
 young wizard of finance that I really am, and 
 then well, I don't know whether they'll re- 
 lease the Second Vice, or dig up a new position 
 for me. Anyway, I can almost see myself in a 
 swing chair pushin' the button for Piddie. 
 
 And I ain't buildin' on any flossy dream, 
 either. You ask Old Hickory Ellins for my 
 present ratin' with the Corrugated. He'll tell 
 you maybe. Anyhow, it was the first time a 
 really truly business proposition was batted up 
 to me, and I just Well, here's the way it 
 was. 
 
 Things had been dull and quiet with us for 
 near a week, with nothin' more excitin' hap- 
 penin' on our floor than one of the lady typists 
 flashin' an engagement ring, or Piddie 's post- 
 in' a new set of rules, when here the other 
 afternoon the big boss comes paddin' out of 
 his room moppin' his neck and glarin' holes 
 through the atmosphere. 
 
 39
 
 40 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Anyone know where Mr. Robert is? " he 
 demands. 
 
 Piddie didn't, and admits it nervous. No- 
 body else dares peep; so it was up to me. 
 
 " Ain't he out tunin' up his sixty-footer for 
 the regatta next week? " says I. 
 
 " Huh! " growls Old Hickory. "So he is. 
 But what of Mr. Prentice and Mr. Mallory 
 they yacht racing too? " 
 
 Which was where Piddie comes to the front 
 strong with all the details about how Mr. Mal- 
 lory had been sent to Baltimore to round up 
 that transportation deal, and how Mr. Prentice 
 had been given a week's leave to 
 
 "That's enough!" snaps Mr. Ellins. 
 " They're not on hand. But who in the name 
 of the seven suffering sisters is left to transact 
 the outside business! Who, eh? Torchy, 
 here? " 
 
 He's facin' Piddie and witherin' him up with 
 his sarcastic remarks, specially this last one. 
 But it's that partic'lar dig that gets under my 
 skin. 
 
 " Why not me? " says I. 
 
 " Eh? " says Old Hickory, whirlin' around 
 and snappin' his heavy jaws savage. 
 
 " Ah, it ain't carryin' a trunk, is it? " says 
 I. " But if it's an errand callin' for dome 
 work " 
 
 " By the great fried fritter! " he breaks in,
 
 TKYING A WIZAED STUNT 41 
 
 " I've a mind to try you, Boy! Come in here 
 with me! ' 
 
 I expect Piddie didn't get his breath for min- 
 utes after that; but I trots in on the rug and 
 waits calm while the old man lights a fresh 
 Corona. 
 
 " Ever hear of Marquette Smelters? " says 
 he. 
 
 " Hundred and sixteen bid, no sales," says 
 I, givin' him the last quotation from the tape, 
 just as I'd seen it come off as I was watchin* 
 for the result of the fourth inning in Chicago. 
 
 " Humph! " says he, tryin' not to seem 
 jarred. " Perhaps you could tell me too why 
 there were no sales; but you needn't bother. 
 I'll tell you. The real reason is a person by 
 the name of Dudley K. Morrison, who has the 
 limited intelligence of a jack rabbit and the 
 disposition of a mule. Got that far? ' 
 
 "I'm right on your heels," says I. 
 
 " Wish you were on Morrison's," grumbles 
 Old Hickory, " and could hang there until he 
 gave us a civil answer as to whether or not 
 he'll sell us his block of Smelters! He doesn't 
 answer letters, and no one seems able to run 
 him down. I must know before ten A.M. to- 
 morrow, too. In fact, we've simply got to have 
 those Morrison shares. Now if you have brains 
 as brilliant as your hair, let's hear what you 
 can produce in the way of suggestions."
 
 42 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 ** As a starter," says I, " why not offer 
 seventeen? " 
 
 " Huh! " grunts Mr. Ellins, swinging back 
 to his desk. " That's enough from you! " And 
 then he has a second thought. " See here, 
 Boy," he goes on, "I suppose I am an old 
 fool, wasting my breath like this! " 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I. "I mean, no, Sir." 
 
 " Stick to the first idea," says he, " only 
 keep it to yourself. However, I'm going to 
 start you even with the others. Robert re- 
 ports that this Dudley Morrison is a middle 
 aged bachelor who inherited this Smelter stock 
 some fifteen years ago, and has been quite con- 
 tent to live on the dividends ever since. He 
 knows nothing about business, and is more 
 afraid of a broker than he is of the devil. He 
 don't know whether his shares are quoted at 
 one hundred and sixteen or forty-six, and he 
 doesn't seem to care. Wouldn't talk to Robert 
 about selling them, even when held up at his 
 club. As for Prentice and Mallory, they 
 couldn't get within speaking distance of him. 
 , But I want someone to make one last desperate 
 effort to get at him before I give up. Anything 
 to offer? " 
 
 " Sure," says I. l ' Camp on his trail, find his 
 weak spot, and then rush him off his feet. ' ' 
 
 " Sounds good," says Old Hickory. " Go 
 doit!"
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 43 
 
 " Eh? " says I, gaspin'. 
 
 " You volunteered," says he, " and I've told 
 you all I know of the case. You are free to 
 use persuasion, chloroform, or a club. I don't 
 care a hang how you get 'em, if you bring me 
 those shares." 
 
 " Is this for love or glory? " says I. 
 
 ' ' Neither, ' ' says he. ' * Half of one per cent. 
 doubled. ' ' 
 
 " That talks," says I. " But where do I find 
 this" 
 
 ' ' How the blue belted blazes do I know where 
 he is! " growls Old Hickory. " Get out! " 
 
 You'd think, to hear him, that he had rabies 
 of the disposition; but, honest, he ain't half so 
 grouchy as he thinks he is, and while I expect 
 he didn't look for any action on my part, he 
 was tickled inside because I'd tackled the 
 job. 
 
 I was 'way over my head, I admit, and the 
 more I splashed around the deeper in I got. 
 Course, I sails right out to the 'phone book 
 and starts to locate Dudley; but he didn't have 
 a number. Next I hauls down the city direc- 
 tory, real confident. Hanged if he hadn't 
 dodged that too! You can, you know. But I 
 wa'n't through yet. On Mr. Robert's desk was 
 half a dozen club annuals, and in the third 
 list I digs up Mr. Morrison's name and ad- 
 dress.
 
 44 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 "Ah-ha!" says I. "Bachelors' quarters, 
 I'll bet! Me for a look! " 
 
 Ever stand outside a strange house and won- 
 der what bluff you're goin' to throw to get in, 
 or what you'll say to your man if you do? It 
 ain't any more use than lookin' at the back of 
 next month's calendar to see what's going to 
 happen. The only thing to do is push in and 
 use your bean. So I marches up the steps and 
 rings the bell. 
 
 The old boy on the door was a wise old gink, 
 all right; one of these hard faced, sleuth eyed 
 watchdogs, who was trained to scent out 
 agents, and bill collectors, and old clothes mer- 
 chants, and give 'em the quick run. Guess he 
 didn't place my class; but he eyes me sus- 
 picious and hostile. 
 
 " Morrison? " says he, like he'd never heard 
 the name before. " Dudley K. Morrison, did 
 you say? " 
 
 " Maybe you'd like it in writin'? " says I. 
 11 Come, you ain't so new here you don't know 
 the old tenants." 
 
 " I don't think Mr. Morrison is in," 
 says he. 
 
 " You don't have to think," says I. " What 
 for would he 'phone for me to come around if 
 he wa'n't in, eh? " 
 
 " Ah! Then perhaps I'd better see," says 
 he.
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 45 
 
 " Do," says I. " Tell him how you held me 
 up here on the mat and put me through the 
 third degree. That'll please him a lot." 
 
 " Of course," says he, " if you have an en- 
 gagement er May I ask why you wanted 
 to see " 
 
 " Sure," says I. " I'm a horse doctor in dis- 
 guise, and I'm goin' to cure him of nightmares. 
 Say, how should I know what Mr. Morrison 
 wants of me, except that he's in a hurry? 
 But keep it up, Old Top; I can stand it if he 
 can." 
 
 " H-m-m-m! " says he. " I'll call for his 
 man to come down and show you up." 
 
 11 Ah, chop it! " says I, shovin' past and 
 startin' for the stairs. " I'll rout his man out 
 myself. Second floor, ain't it? " 
 
 " Second, front," says he, goin' back to his 
 chair, prob'ly thinkin' he's done his duty 
 noble. 
 
 But I'd frisked the outer guard. The inside 
 one was easier, in a way, and then again he 
 wa'n't. I'd knocked twice on the door of 2 A 
 suite, and was just gettin' ready to hammer 
 the panel, when open she comes and I finds my- 
 self bein' bowed in polite by a young colored 
 gent. He's a classy article, all dolled up in a 
 neat linen suit that looks real summery, and he 
 has his thick, wavy black hair brushed back in 
 >a reg'lar Jimmy Artboy pompadour. His com-
 
 46 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 plexion, though, is the regulation Pullman por. 
 ter black; but, for all his meek way of waitin* 
 for me to open the conversation, there's some- 
 thing diamified and genteel about him. 
 
 " Thanks, Rufus," says I, steppin' inside, 
 " How about the big chief, eh? " 
 
 " Please, Suh? " he comes back, lettin' his 
 voice slide up at the end curious. 
 
 " Please which? " says I. " Oh, you want 
 a repeat on that, do you f Well, the main works 
 then, the boss, Mr. Morrison he's in, ain't 
 he? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, Suh," says Eufus, " 'e's tyking 
 'is barth, Suh." And, say, I'd give a dollar to 
 get that off just the way he did ; but if you can 
 imagine hearin' a stage Englishman singsong- 
 in' it through a phonograph, you'll get some- 
 where near how this particular brand of Cock- 
 ney talk sounded. 
 
 " Rufus," says I, " are you practicin' that 
 on me, or is it all natural? ' 
 
 " Please, Suh? " says he once more, lookin' 
 puzzled. 
 
 " Not guilty," says I. " You act too inno- 
 cent to be springin' an accent like that unless 
 it grew on you. But where did you bring it 
 over from? " 
 
 " You wish to know where is my 
 Suh? " says he. 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I.
 
 " 
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 47 ' 
 
 ( 
 Jamaica, Suh," says he. 
 
 I see," says I. " Where we get our 
 bananas and elevator boys from. All British 
 down there, are you, black and white! " 
 
 " Oh, yes, Suh," says he, grinnin'. 
 
 " Well," says I, " I've heard some of your 
 kind that could make English sound like a for- 
 eign language; but you've got a Lord Chumley 
 twist on it for fair. Then I expect your real 
 name ain't Rufus at all? " 
 
 " Eustis Zink, Suh," says he. 
 
 " Have I used the sink? " says I. 
 
 ' ' He-hu-s-t-hi-s Eustis ; Zed-hi-hen-k 
 Zink," says he, a trifle ruffled. 
 
 ' ' Clear as mud ! ' ' says I. ' ' My fault, Eus- 
 tis ; but you fed it to me a little swift that first 
 time. Now, to get back where we started: 
 Mr. Morrison's sportin' in the tub, is he 1 ? 
 Didn't look for me around quite so soon, 
 eh? " 
 
 " I dare say, Suh," says he. " Was the mas- 
 ter hexpecting you, Suh? " 
 
 " Do I look like a surprise party, Eustis? " 
 says I. "Is this where I wait? " 
 
 " If you please, Suh," says he. 
 
 He had his manners right with him, Eustis 
 did; dusts off a chair, runs the window shade 
 up, and lugs over a supply of papers and maga- 
 zines enough to keep me busy for a months 
 Then he fa.des into a little alcove real respect-*
 
 48 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 fnl, and I hears him rattlin' a newspaper him' 
 self. 
 
 All of which was well enough; as far as it 
 went. I was camping on the trail and I had my 
 man located in his bathtub. This gives me a 
 nice breathin' spell to frame up a plan for 
 gettin' Dudley K. to see the beauty of unload- 
 in' his Smelters on the Corrugated before the 
 market got topheavy and tumbled. But what 
 openin' to use that wouldn't get me chucked 
 out on the street sudden was a sticker. 
 
 Meanwhile I could hear distant splashin' 
 sounds that kept gettin' fainter and fainter. 
 Then come the gurgle of the last pint of suds 
 swirlin' down the waste pipe, and I knew Dud- 
 ley must be out on the mat busy with the Turk- 
 ish towel. Still no brilliant thought comes my 
 way, and out where me and Mr. Zink waited 
 there was no noise except now and then when 
 Eustis turned a fresh page. Get the picture? 
 
 And, say, nothin' wears on my nerves quite 
 so much as a silent wait like that. I got to 
 watchin' the clock, and figurin' out how many 
 minutes it would be before this mysterious Mr, 
 Morrison would be out demandin' who and 
 why. I'd allow him about ten to dress in. 
 That got whittled down to six, then to four, 
 and then Well, about then Eustis lets go of 
 the first sob. 
 
 First off I thought it might be another gur-
 
 TRYING A WIZABD STUNT 49 
 
 > 
 gle from the tub ; but when the second one came 
 
 I knew it filtered out from the alcove. And it 
 sure sounded like grief. Followin' this was a 
 couple of sniffles, kind of half smothered. 
 Course, you might say it was nothin' to me if 
 a darky valet saw fit to enjoy his off time blub- 
 berin'; but feelin's is feelin's, no matter who 
 has 'em. 
 
 So I tiptoes over and peeks in. There's 
 Eustis, with his arms spread out on the table, 
 his head down, his shoulders heavin', and all 
 the signs of deep woe in evidence. Havin' gone 
 that far, I couldn't do any less than pass some 
 cheerin' remark. 
 
 "What ho!" says I. " Tea-uhs, idle 
 tea-uhs! " 
 
 Business of surprise by Eustis. He lifts a 
 black face that's a perfectly good map of all 
 the different kinds of grief you could name, 
 trembly under lip, loose jaw, and big brown, 
 leaky eyes. Ever have a setter dog with a 
 hurt paw look up at you reproachful? Some- 
 thing like that. 
 
 " Gee! " says I. " Whatever it was must 
 have gone in deep. You ain't been swallowin' 
 your haitches again, have you? " 
 
 " P-p-please, Sun? ' says he, shaky and 
 husky. 
 
 " Never mind my joshin'," says I. " What's 
 gone wrong? "
 
 /50 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " Oh, everything's wrong, Suh," says he. 
 " I I cawn't stand it any longer, Suh, I just 
 ' cawn't! " 
 
 " Sudden attack, ain't it? " says I. " Yon 
 seemed chirky enough a few minutes ago. 
 What's happened since then! Found bad news 
 from home in the paper? " 
 
 " Not rightly that, Suh," says he. " You 
 you wouldn't hunderstand, Suh." 
 
 " Wouldn't I, though? " says I. " Say, Eus- 
 tis, for a quick and ready understander I'm a 
 topliner; so, if it ain't anything you'd rather 
 hide, let it come. Maybe it'll do you good. 
 Find it in the obituary notices, did you? " 
 
 " Oh, no, Suh," says he, snufflin'; and then, 
 takin' his arms off the paper he had spread 
 out, " It's it's that, Suh." 
 
 What he has there is the picture section of a 
 Sunday edition, and the special halftone he 
 points his finger at shows a road lined with 
 palm trees. It's a long, white road that trails 
 off into the distance towards some mountains, 
 and in the foreground you could make out a lot 
 of darky women, some leadin' funny little don- 
 keys with baskets slung across their backs, and 
 others balancin' round baskets on their heads. 
 But I couldn't find anything to start the brine 
 in my eyes. 
 
 " Well, what about it? " says I. 
 
 " That's the old Junction Road, Suh," says
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 51 
 
 Eustis. " Leads down from the mountains, 
 Suh, into Kingston. It's market day; you can 
 tell that from the people coming in, Suh. See, 
 they've got yams, and papaw, and mangos in 
 the baskets, Suh ; and guinea grass for the don- 
 keys in the panniers, Suh. That'll be taken up 
 near Rocky Hill, Suh, just beyond the big cot- 
 ton silk tree, Suh." 
 
 ' ' Oh, ho ! " says I. ' ' And it looks some fa- 
 miliar to you, does it? Been out there, I 
 guess? " 
 
 " Me, Suh? " says Eustis, swabbin' clear his 
 eyes on his sleeve. " Why, I was born up 
 along Junction Road, Suh, in the mountains, 
 Suh; and many a time I've walked it too, clear 
 into Kingston, eighteen miles, Suh, and back 
 again before nightfall! Know it, Suh? I know 
 every foot of it ! " 
 
 11 I see," says I. " But you hadn't ought to 
 let a little thing like gettin' homesick floor you 
 this way. Sure that's all? " 
 
 " There's Rosie, Suh," says he, droppin' his 
 chin again. 
 
 " Always a skirt in the background, ain't 
 there? " says I. " Does she figure in the pic- 
 ture? " 
 
 " No, Suh," says Eustis, clappin' his hand 
 on his inside breast pocket. 
 
 11 But you got one on you, though? " says 
 I. " Mind my havin' a squint? "
 
 52 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 Somehow I was curious to know just what 
 sort of dusky queen it would take to work up 
 such deep emotions in Eustis. He explains 
 that it's only a tourist's snapshot someone 
 had sent Eosie, and he drags it out reluc- 
 tant. 
 
 " Well, say! " says I, holdin' it to the light. 
 " There is some class to Eosie, all right! ' 
 
 And it wa'n't all jolly, either ; for, accordin' to 
 the photo, she's a slender, graceful built young 
 bamboo belle, with a cheerful, smilin' face. 
 She's barefooted, and costumed mostly in a 
 one-piece calico wrapper, and she's balancin* 
 a big water jar jaunty on her head. 
 
 " Yes, yes! " I goes on. " She's got any of 
 these Sixth-ave. brunettes faded when it comes 
 to looks. Waiting for you, is she! " 
 
 11 I cawn't certainly say, Suh," says Eustis. 
 " She she said she would, Suh." 
 
 " The plot thickens! " says I. " Who's the 
 other entry; anyway, the one you last heard 
 of? " 
 
 " There was that Foster man," says Eustis. 
 '* 'E's lately got on the constabulary force, 
 Suh a policeman, Suh." 
 
 1 ' Hard luck ! ' ' says I. "On the ground and 
 sportin ' brass buttons ! Do they get their cop- 
 pers up like we do ours? " 
 
 " Oh, no, Suh," says he. " White coats, 
 Suh; white sun helmets, with a big brass shield
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 53 
 
 in front, Suh; wide stripes on the trousers; 
 quite grand, Suh." 
 
 "I'm sorry to say it," says I; " but I can 
 see this Foster person just throwin' his chest 
 out and scatterin' heartaches all along Junc- 
 tion Road. Eustis, how was it you ever figured 
 on giving the gate to a winner like that? 
 What's your long suit? " 
 
 Mr. Zink, he shrugs his shoulders doleful. 
 " Constables get very small pay, Suh, a few 
 shillings* a week. And Rosie would not like, 
 the city. She is a country girl, Suh. I am of 
 the country too. First I worked in the big 
 hotels; then I became a valet, Suh. But not 
 for all the time. I save what I get, Suh tips, 
 all that, and perhaps some day I can buy a 
 small plantation out Wag Water River way, 
 Suh. I have one in mind, Suh; nice cottage, 
 Suh, bamboo, and plastered sides, with good 
 thatch on the roof. Behind there is a big mango 
 tree, Suh, and cocoanuts, five, six, seven. On 
 one side grows a royal palm, Suh, forty, fifty, 
 feet high. Climbing over the door is a bougain- 
 villea vine, purple blossoms all the year; very 
 ^fine, Suh. There will be ten acres, Suh, all 
 good for bananas, cocoa, or yams. An acre 
 bears many pounds, Suh, out on Wag Water, 
 if you plant^it right ; many pounds every year, 
 Suh. Rosie would like it out in the Blue Moun- 
 $ains, Suh."
 
 54 
 
 " Does sound more or less fascinatin',' ' says 
 I. " But ain't the work hard? Strikes me 
 you've got quite a snap here! ' 
 
 " Bah! " says Eustis. " I am sick to death 
 of it ! Really, Suh ! And Mr. Morrison such 
 a gentleman, Suh! ' 
 
 " Eh? " says I. "A rounder, is he? Come 
 in late and rough house you, does he? " 
 
 Eustis almost smiles at that. " Oh, no, Suh; 
 lives like a turtle in his shell, Suh. Look you, 
 Suh! I give 'im 'is coffee at ten, then he 'as 
 'is barth and shaves, and 'is ride in the park, 
 Suh. 'E's away at 'is club until three; then 'e 
 'as 'is nap, Suh, and 'is barth again, which 'e's 
 at now, Suh. 'E'll go out at seven, and be in 
 prompt at twelve, Suh, and asleep by 'alf after. 
 Day after day, Suh! It comes cruel 'ard on 
 me, Suh, standing the beastly climate and 'av- 
 ing no change, Suh, and always stewing about 
 the rooms, Suh. 'E's as fussy about 'imself as 
 an old woman, Suh. One would almost think 
 Mr. Morrison would sicken of it all a bit, Suh. ' ' 
 
 "By Jove! he does, though, he does!' 
 drawls out a deep voice behind us. 
 
 Course, I knew it must be Dudley K., stand- 
 in' there in his bathrobe with kind of an amused 
 look flickerin' in his dull gray eyes. He ain't 
 young, and he ain't old, and he'd never be 
 accused of bein' handsome. His hair is 
 streaked up some, and' he looks bored and life-
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 55 
 
 less, and he has a bulgy nose, and one shoulder's 
 higher 'n the other. There's no telling how 
 long he's been listening. 
 
 " Go on," says he. " Let's hear the rest." 
 
 "I'm not caring, Suh," says Eustis, facin' 
 him bold. "I'm through with it all fussing 
 with you, Suh, getting your blooming barth 
 just right, and all the rest. I'm through with 
 this beastly, dusty hole of a city. I want to 
 get back to the palms, and the old white Junc- 
 tion Road, and the Blue Mountains." 
 
 " And Rosie? " puts in Morrison, still smil- 
 in' weary. 
 
 Eustis shrugs his shoulders. " I might rent 
 an acre or two with what I've got now," says 
 he. " Anyway, it would be living." 
 
 " Good point," says Morrison. " Why 
 haven't you mentioned this before, Zink? 
 Rather an attractive picture you draw of your 
 native island. And do you think that money 
 invested in land down there would pay? " 
 
 "Why not, Suh?" says Eustis. "You 
 should see the way things grow, Suh ! ' ' 
 
 " Um-m-m-m! " says Morrison, his chin in 
 one hand. * ' I suppose you could show me how 
 to run a plantation of that sort? ' 
 
 " Oh, would you give me a chance, Suh? " 
 says Eustis eager. 
 
 " Might knock together a bungalow fit to 
 live in, I've no doubt," goes on Morrison,
 
 56 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 thinkin' out loud. " It would give me some- 
 thing to do, at least. Guess that's what I need, 
 after all. I've been meaning to try the Tropics 
 too, and "Well, we'll talk it over. Mean- 
 while, Zink," and he turns to me, " who might 
 this young man be! " 
 
 " Please, Suh, I don't know, Suh," says 
 Eustis. 
 
 11 Well? " says Morrison. 
 
 But I'd got my clew at last. " Me? " says 
 I. " Why, I'm the next leaf on the pad." 
 
 " Indeed! " says he. " Then this must be a 
 red letter day." 
 
 11 S0y, you win," says I. "I picked you for 
 a dead one; but, honest, you're a live wire." 
 
 Gets a good humored motion in Morrison's 
 mouth corners, that does. " Thank you," says 
 he. " But why am I indebted to you for " 
 
 " Your lucky day," says I. " See? You're 
 liable to be wantin' to hike out for Jamaica 
 to give that plantation stunt a whirl. In that 
 case you're likely to cash in them Smelter 
 shares, eh? ' 
 
 ' * By George ! But I was just puzzling ovei 
 that," says he. 
 
 "Don't!" says I. "The Corrugated will 
 fix that for you. There's our card. We'll let 
 you unload on us. Bother? Why, gettin' a 
 quarter changed into nickels at a picture ar- 
 tade won't be in it. Come around in the morn-
 
 TRYING A WIZARD STUNT 57 
 
 ing and no, suppose I call for you about 
 eleven A.M. in a taxi and tow you over for a talk 
 with our president, Mr. Ellins? It'll be all the 
 same if you do or don't. How about it? " 
 
 Did I land him? Why, say, between me 
 showin' him how easy it was, and Eustis pump- 
 in' him full of descriptions about wavin' palms 
 and blue mountains and white roads, I almost 
 had to hold him back. And it wa'n't ten min- 
 utes from the time I leads him in until he's 
 closed the deal and is out shakin' hands and 
 biddin' me good-by. Later on Eustis drifts 
 around to assure me that, with him bossin' a 
 big banana plantation, wearin' a wide brimmed 
 hat, and ridin' a horse of his own, that cheap 
 Foster person won't be anywhere in sight. So 
 altogether that afternoon's work scored some. 
 
 11 Son,' 7 says Old Hickory, as he shoves 
 across the table that whackin' big commission 
 check, "I'm not asking how you did it, for it 
 seems too all fired prompt and weird to have 
 been strictly according to Hoyle; but if you 
 can keep out of jail long enough you have a 
 great future before you. ' ' 
 
 " That's what I'm diggin' in my toes tc 
 overtake," says L
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD 
 
 COURSE, all kinds drifts up to the brass gate, 
 and my specialty is to get their numbers be- 
 tween ten ticks of the clock, and either pass 
 'em through or start 'em on their way out 
 again. Gen 'rally I can do it too, without feel- 
 in' their bumps or readin' their palms; but 
 now and then I have one slipped over on me. 
 
 For instance, there was Rodney. All I can 
 say is that four-thirty of a sizzlin' afternoon 
 wa'n't any time to slide in a guessin' contest 
 like him. I was standin' at ease, as you might 
 say; that is, I had my heels up on the desk and 
 my head leaned back against the spring water 
 cooler, with one eye on the clock and the other 
 watchin' one of the lady typists sneak out a 
 powder puff and renew the scenic effect on the 
 sides of her nose. 
 
 Then all of a sudden I glances over my 
 shoulder, to find this tall party in the white 
 flannels and sun helmet strayin' in sort of hesi- 
 tatin' and bashful. No wonder I gawped; for 
 under the helmet was a set of cinnamon tinted 
 whiskers that was the real thing. No Vandyke, 
 
 H
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD 59 
 
 mind you : just bristly face underbrush chopped 
 square off two or three inches from the chin 
 and thick on the sides, like the crop had been 
 started early durin' a wet spring. Somehow, 
 the combination struck me as odd, and I expect 
 I must have unreefed a grin. That seems to 
 brace his nerve a bit; for as he tiptoes up to 
 the rail a smile comes to view in the midst of 
 the alfalfa. 
 
 " Greetings! " says I. " What news from 
 Timbuktu? " 
 
 " Ah er I beg pardon? " says he. 
 
 " Barber shop in the arcade, main floor," 
 says I. "Or was you scoutin' out a horse 
 clipper? ' 
 
 " Why," says he, "I'm looking for er 
 This is the Corrugated Trust, isn't it? " 
 
 "Good guess!" says I. "Then what?' 
 
 " Would it be possible for me to see Mr. 
 Robert Ellins? " says he. 
 
 Now as a rule an openin' like that would have 
 earned him the quick shunt ; but somehow I had 
 a hunch that it might be just as well to kid 
 him along. 
 
 " Depends," says I. " What's the name? " 
 
 " Blake," says he, and at that I let my heels 
 elide off on the floor. 
 
 " Not T. Rodney? " says I. 
 
 " Quite so," says he, smilin' again. 
 
 " Gee! " says I, jumpin' up and swingin 1
 
 SO TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 the gate wide. " Why didn't you say so first 
 off? Come right in, Mr. Blake. You see, Mr. 
 Robert's been expectin' you; but he's just 
 stepped out. Maybe I can catch him on the 
 'phone. Walk right in." 
 
 " I I think I'd rather wait here," says he y 
 backin' off and glancin' nervous at our battery 
 of lady typists that was mostly starin' goggle 
 eyed at him. 
 
 Skirt shy? Why, he had about the worst 
 case I ever saw! So I rustles out a chair, 
 plants him where he'll be well screened from 
 the Kitty-Mauds, and starts callin' up the 
 clubs. The New York Yacht was my second 
 guess, and it was a winner. 
 
 " Eh! " says Mr. Robert. " Rodney Blake? 
 Good! Send him right up, Torchy." 
 
 " Trust me," says I. 
 
 But Rodney wa'n't so easy to start in any 
 given direction. " Yacht club? " says he. 
 " I'm afraid I don't know where it is. You 
 see, I've been away from New York so long, 
 and the city has changed so^niuch, that I feel 
 almost like a stranger. If there was anyone 
 you could send, now? " 
 
 " Why," says I, takin' another look at the 
 whiskers and helmet, " I expect I might do it 
 myself. Come on." 
 
 But I must say I felt some easier after he's 
 suggested a taxi and we're well loaded into
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD 61 
 
 one. There was less chance of our headin' a 
 rubberneck procession. 
 
 " Been out in the bush somewhere, ain't you, 
 Mr. Blake? " says I. 
 
 " China," says he. Then I remembered 
 hearin' Mr. Robert say how he'd been layin', 
 out new railroad lines for the Chink Gover'- 
 ment over there; which had something to do, I 
 suspect, with his arrival bein' so much of an 
 event at the Corrugated. 
 
 He might be a shark at railroadin'; but he 
 sure was some shy of information about New 
 York. Didn't know the Fifth Avenue Hotel 
 had gone, asked if the Metropolitan Buildin' 
 was the new city hall, and owned up he hadn't 
 dared tackle the Subway yet. 
 " " What you need, then," says I, " ia a 
 guide." 
 
 " Just what I was thinking myself," says he. 
 " I wonder if well, wait until I see Bob El- 
 lins." 
 
 And not until he's had a half -hour session 
 with Mr. Robert, leavin' me waitin' by request 
 in the taxi with the clock go in', did I get wise 
 to what he meant. They comes out arm in 
 arm, and Mr. Robert tips me the cheery 
 wink. 
 
 " Torchy," says he, " Mr. Blake seems to 
 think no one could be of more help to him in 
 renewing his acquaintance with New York than
 
 62 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 yourself. He would like your company for a 
 day or so. What do you say? " 
 
 " With or without! " says I. 
 
 " Eh? " says Mr. Robert. 
 
 " The explorer's lid," says I. 
 
 " Oh, I will get a straw hat at once," says 
 Rodney. 
 
 " Then it's a go," says I. " Better hop in, 
 too ; for you got two-thirty rung up on you al 
 ready." 
 
 Rodney, though, didn't seem to mind ex- 
 pense ; for he has a few more questions to ask 
 Mr. Robert, mostly about people that's been 
 laid away or forgotten. Just as he's climbin' 
 in he remarks sort of casual, ' * Oh, by the way, 
 Bob; that er Mrs. Heatherwood? Do you 
 ever hear anything of " 
 
 "Do I! " says Mr. Robert. " Why, she's 
 our leading lady dramatist! Only she's Mrs. 
 Heatherwcod-Knight now, you know." 
 
 4 ' Oh ! " says Rodney, kind of choky. ' * Mar- 
 ried again, of course." 
 
 " Young grand opera tenor, I believe," says 
 Mr. Robert. " That affair lasted about a 
 month. Then she got a decree. Since then 
 she's devoted herself to remaining single, keep- 
 ing herself in the public eye, and growing more 
 stunning every year. Used to know the Widow 
 Beautiful, didn't you? You must look her 
 up."
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE EOD 63 
 
 " No, no!" almost gasps Eodney. "I I 
 don't wish to meet her, you know. And and 
 you mustn't arrange anything of the kind. 
 Really, you mustn't, Bob! " 
 
 " Oh, all right," says Mr. Robert, "I'll be- 
 have. And anything you want to know or see, 
 ask Torchy. So long, old chap." 
 
 Well, say, after I'd steered him around to a 
 hatstore and got him to shelve the helmet for 
 a split sennit, it wa'n't so bad towin' Rodney 
 around. I discovers he ain't half such a prune 
 as he looks. Along about seven o'clock he men- 
 tions dinner, and as it's a case of lookin' for 
 big eats I steers him into one of the new lob- 
 ster palaces. At first he was inclined to look 
 skittish when a bunch of flossy fluffs plants 
 themselves at the next table ; but when he finds 
 nobody wants to steal him he calms down and 
 goes on orderin' expensive food reckless. 
 
 " Odd, isn't it," he remarks, when we'd got 
 as far as peach Melba and ice cream, " how 
 completely one can drop out of things? A 
 dozen years ago in a place like this I should 
 have seen a lot of familiar faces; while to- 
 night I supp6se there isn't a soul here whom 
 I've ever known." 
 
 " There's a certain party at the third table 
 left," says I, " that means to know you next 
 time, I guess, by the way she's been stretchin* 
 her neck."
 
 64 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " What's that?" says he, almost droppin' 
 his spoon. " Where? " 
 
 " You can get her in the wall mirror best," 
 says I. " See, the willowy stunner with the 
 , big pink plume on the white hat and the pearl 
 ropes hangin' from her neck? She's gettin' up 
 now and S-s-s-sh! You win! She's makin' 
 for you. Ah, there's no duckin' now, Mr. Blake 
 here she comes! " 
 
 I don't know whether he thought of hidin' 
 under the table or takin' a dive into the gold- 
 fish pool, but just then he turns and gets a 
 glimpse of her smile, and his panicky look 
 changes to about the mushiest expression I ever 
 saw any whiskered party work up. 
 
 "Well, well! Eodney! " says she, holdin* 
 out both hands. "So it is really you, after 
 all? " 
 
 " Why, howdy do, Mrs. Heatherwood er 
 ah " stammers Eodney. 
 
 " Why not Mabel! " says the lady, tappin' 
 him coy with her lorgnette. " And for good- 
 ness' sake don't stare so! Do ask me to sit 
 down and have my coffee with you and your 
 young friend. Thank you. Just as much of a 
 stick as ever, aren't you, Rodney? Now, I 
 should have thought that all those years abroad 
 would have limbered you up some; but you're 
 just the same."
 
 UNDEE WAY WITH UNCLE BOD 65 
 
 " These are new," says Rodney, strokin' his 
 whiskers and laughin' nervous. 
 
 " Then they aren't tied on with a string? " 
 says she. " I've been dying to ask. And why 
 do you wear them? You lost a wager, per- 
 haps, or made a vow? " 
 
 " Bronchial trouble," says Rodney. " The 
 Manchurian winters were rather trying." 
 
 " But you're not there now, and it isn't 
 winter," suggests the lady. " Why stick to 
 them? " 
 
 " Why not? " says he. " What's the differ^ 
 ence? " 
 
 " Old oddity! " says she. " You were al- 
 ways doing the strangest things. Your run- 
 ning off to China just before my second 
 marriage now, whatever sent you off like 
 that? " 
 
 " You, Mabel," says Rodney. He has his 
 elbows on the table, his chin in his hands, and 
 he's gazin' at her like she was a jar of straw- 
 b'ry jam on the top shelf. 
 
 Comin' out slow and solemn, the way it did, 
 that answer seems to fuss her up some. She 
 almost shows a color through the drugstore 
 complexion. 
 
 " You remarkable fellow! r says she. 
 " Really? What a theatrical thing to do! 
 Why, I didn't dream so much genuine, old- 
 fashioned sentimentality still existed. I
 
 66 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 shouldn't dare use anything like that in one of 
 my plays, you know." 
 
 " I suppose I am old fashioned," says Rod- 
 ney; " but I've been away. I haven't kept 
 track. And er I'm told, Mabel, that there 
 isn't a Number Three yet." 
 
 " Nor ever will be," says she. " Victor 
 Knight cured me. To be sure, I don't say that 
 all men are so weak and vain, there wouldn't 
 be enough vanity to go around if you were all 
 opera singers, but I have learned to despise 
 the lot of you. I am teaching my girls to do 
 the same." 
 
 "I was almost forgetting the children," says 
 Rodney. 
 
 " When I encouraged them to call you Unky 
 Rod! Ungrateful person! " says Mabel. 
 
 11 I wish I could see them," says Rodney; 
 " although I suppose by this time they are " 
 
 " Don't suppose anything of the sort," 
 breaks in Mrs. Heatherwood-Knight. " They- 
 're still little girls, dear little babies. Would 
 you truly care to see them, though? ' 
 
 " Very much indeed," says Rodney. 
 
 " Then you shall," says she, clappin' her 
 hands. " In fact, I believe you're Heaven 
 sent. Here I've been worrying myself mad to 
 know whom I could send up to be with them 
 for the next few days, while I fight it out with 
 the stage manager about the setting of that
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD 67 
 
 second act. You see, my dear old Rod, they're 
 up at my Narragansett Bay cottage, having a 
 ripping time, and I do loathe dragging them 
 back to town with me in this weather. You'll 
 go up, eh, and be Unky Rod to them again, 
 until I can get away? Then we'll have a nice 
 visit, and be sentimental for a whole week end. 
 What do you say? " 
 
 And Rodney, he takes the hand she reaches 
 across and lugs it up to his whiskers like he 
 was bein' presented at court. " I am yours to 
 command, always," says he. 
 
 " Why, Rodney! " says she, glancin' around 
 foolish at a gawpin' waiter. " Oh, you're al- 
 most too good to be true! But I'm going to 
 send you off to my darling babies this very 
 night. You're just the one." 
 
 Course, that works me out of my cinch job; 
 but the twenty Rodney slips me as I backs out 
 graceful more'n made up for any fun I might 
 have missed, and I wishes him luck. 
 
 So it was me showin' up reg'lar at the office 
 next mornin', and when I explains the case to 
 Mr. Robert he chuckles, " So China didn't cure 
 him of that, eh? Poor Rod! " 
 
 " Huh! " says I. "He seemed to be enjoy- 
 in' the agony." 
 
 " He always did," says Mr. Robert. " But 
 he'll be blue enough by the time he turns up 
 here again."
 
 < i 
 
 t ( 
 
 68 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 Prophesyin', though, ain't Mr. Robert's 
 strong suit. What happens was somethin' 
 along a diff'rent line; for two days later he 
 comes out to me, with a telegram. 
 
 " Torchy," says he, " our friend Rodney 
 seems to be in some sort of trouble up 
 there." 
 
 " Kids pullin' his whiskers too hard? " 
 says I. 
 
 " He doesn't state," says Mr. Robert; " but 
 he calls for help. And what do you suppose 
 he suggests? " 
 
 Wants you to go up? " says I. 
 No, you," says he. " ' Send up that red 
 headed youth if you can possibly spare him,' is 
 what he says. But I shall leave this entirely 
 to you. Care to go, eh? " 
 
 11 The Brodie fam'ly's a big one," says I. 
 " I'll take a chance." 
 
 Talk about bridge jumpin', though! Say, I 
 didn't stop to think what a blindfold proposi- 
 tion this was until I was on the train. I lands 
 up there in the quahaug-stew belt about four- 
 thirty P.M., and finds Rodney waitin' for me 
 at the station with a carriage. 
 
 " Thanks awfully for coming," says he. " It 
 was something I couldn't ask Bob to do, and 
 I could think of no one else." 
 
 " Kid's ain't got smallpox, have they? " 
 says I.
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE EOD 69 
 
 "No such luck!" says Rodney, sort of 
 gloomy. 
 
 I looks him over surprised, and notices the 
 lovely cerise color on his brow and nose and 
 the sun blisters on his wrists. 
 
 " Looks like you'd been sunnin' yourself 
 some," says I. " Been out playin' games with 
 the darlin's, eh? " 
 
 " Playing fool would be nearer the mark,''' 
 growls Rodney. " The darlings, as you call 
 them, happen to be sixteen and eighteen, and 
 and well, I've been trying to chaperon them, 
 and it's worn me out." 
 
 " Eh? " says I, snickerin'. " You've been 
 chaperonin'! " 
 
 " I know! " he groans. " No one sees the 
 absurdity of my position more clearly. But I 
 thought well, they were only little tots when 
 I knew them. And now But I can't describe 
 them. It's a type new to me, absolutely 
 new. ' ' 
 
 " Lively pair, are they? " says I. 
 
 Rodney throws up his hands. " I don't 
 know," says he. "I thought you might. You 
 belong to the same generation. I don't. But 
 tell me, is it quite proper for girls nowadays 
 to run about all day and half the night with 
 strange young men, sailing, bathing, dancing, 
 hammocking? Is it right? " 
 
 " Search me," says I. " Where and when
 
 70 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 has something to do with it, I guess. Been act- 
 in' up real kittenish, have they? " 
 
 11 It struck me as scandalous, nothing less," 
 says Rodney. " Of course, I couldn't forbid 
 these youths coming around; but I thought it 
 my duty to be present when the girls had com- 
 pany. I've never been a chaperon before; but 
 I'm sure that's what they used to do. So I 
 went with them. And it's been a siege, all 
 one day on a yacht sailed by a pair of rattle 
 headed youngsters who tried to see how near 
 capsizing they could come. I was seasick, and 
 scared, and blistered in the sun ; but that night 
 they kept me up until two A.M. at a dance. Next 
 day it was motorboating, more sun, more 
 daredevil risks, then another dance. I'm used 
 up, finished. They had me out at the tennis 
 courts all day, and this evening, I believe, two 
 of their young admirers are to call on Dot and 
 Dimple. I can't go to bed and leave them. 
 Someone must stay up around for the sake of 
 propriety; so I I well, can't you help me 
 out? " 
 
 " Me? " says I. " Say, I'd make a hot 
 chaperon, wouldn't I? " 
 
 " But I should give them to understand that 
 I had delegated my authority to you. And 
 really I'm done up," says Rodney, pleadin'. 
 " Only take my place for this evening, while 
 I get a little rest."
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE ROD 71 
 
 " Oh, well," says I, " I expect I could kind 
 of loaf around, if that's all." 
 
 " Thank you, thank you! " says he. " And 
 if they try chaffing, or are rude to you, as I 
 regret to say they have been to me at times, 
 ' why, simply " 
 
 " Huh! " says I. " The fresh things ! Say, 
 Mr. Blake, don't you worry about me. If they 
 hurt my feelin's too bad I'll just cry into my 
 hat and not let on. This is the ranch, is it? ' 
 
 We'd pulled up in front of a cunnin' little 
 cottage perched up on some rocks overlookin' 
 the water. It had good, generous verandas, 
 with plenty of hammocks and swings and easy 
 chairs; but nobody's in sight. 
 
 " Dot and Dimple must be taking a nap," 
 sighs Rodney, " preparing for the evening 
 campaign. I wish I could! " 
 
 They appears at dinner, though, and while 
 they don't say much they looks me over thor- 
 ough and curious. Course, that's natural 
 enough, specially as Uncle Rodney was explain- 
 in' delicate how, in a way, I was goin* to sub 
 for him to-night. Nice and innocent enough 
 lookin' girls they was too, and costumed in the 
 regulation summer girl uniforms, white mid- 
 die blouses, hobble skirts, canvas pumps, and 
 broad pink willie ribbons over their ears. But 
 I didn't enjoy the silent, impish way they eyed 
 me, nor the looks they swapped.
 
 72 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 Yes, I'll admit I was some nervous before 
 dinner was over, and when Rodney pikes right 
 off to hit the feathers, leavin' me holdin' the 
 lid down all alone, I begun to get chilly below 
 the ankles. Of all the fool propositions I ever 
 had unloaded on me, this was a little the rum- 
 miest. But I'd passed my word, and there was 
 nothin' left to do but stick around. 
 
 I was inside when the comp'ny arrived; but 
 I got a glimpse of the young chaps under the 
 porch light, and I sized 'em up right off for 
 the regulation prep school cutups; the kind 
 that wears white silk socks and subsists chiefly 
 on a diet of cork tipped cigarettes. 
 
 For half an hour or so I lays low, until I 
 heard the chains of the porch swings creaking 
 and then I braces myself to do picket duty. 
 The moon was well up by this time, and, though 
 it was some dusky on the veranda, I makes 
 out the whole bunch of 'em crowded into one 
 porch swing. So I starts that way to do the 
 casual march past. 
 
 With that the chatterin' and whisperin' stops 
 sudden, and not a remark is made until I'm 
 within a dozen feet of them. Then they cuts 
 loose with, " Tar-r-rum! Tar-r-rum! Tar-r- 
 rum turn tump ! All hail the chap-er-on ! ' ; 
 
 It's fairly good teamwork, and the effect on 
 me was some jarrin'. I stops and grins sort 
 of foolish.
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE BOD 73 
 
 " Oh, isn't he cute, Dot! " observes Dimple 
 to Sister. 
 
 " Yes, and such cheerful hair! " says Dot. 
 
 1 ' Hee-hee ! Haw-haw ! ' ' comes from the 
 young chaps. 
 
 " Only fahncy! " says Dot. " We're being 
 chaperoned! " 
 
 More roars of merriment from the prep 
 school delegates. And me? Well, I just stood 
 and took it, that's all. Maybe my ears was 
 burnin' some; but I leans back careless against 
 the rail and lets 'em enjoy themselves. 
 
 " And I suppose we mustn't do anything 
 Muhmah wouldn't approve of? ' remarks 
 Dimple. 
 
 " Tee-hee! " explodes Dot, nudgin' with each 
 elbow. Then I hears her whisper. ' * Come on, 
 Boys. One, two, three now! " and at the sig- 
 nal they all go to the fond clinch, boys' arms 
 around the girls' waists, girls with theirs 
 around the boys' necks, a reg'lar double Borneo 
 and Juliet act, while the next number on the 
 program is to start singin' the chorus of one of 
 them gummy ragtime songs: 
 
 Cuddle up beside me, Deary, 
 
 Hold my hand awhile; 
 For I could learn to love you, 
 
 When you smile, smile, smile! 
 
 But I'd held in about as long as I could. 
 " Fine! " says I. " Say, no wonder you made
 
 74 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 Uncle Rodney seasick! But I guess he hadn't 
 come home from Coney on the last boat as 
 many times as I have. Got anything more up 
 your sleeves? If you have, let it come." 
 
 " Go away, Fellow,'* pipes up one of the 
 boys. " Don't you see we're busy? " 
 
 * ' Ah, a few low-gear remarks from Percy ! ' ; 
 says I. " Are those your callin' manners, 
 Son? " 
 
 " Pooh! " says Dot. " Don't mind him." 
 
 " But I want a lock of his hair for a sou- 
 venir," says Dimple. 
 
 11 I'll get you one if he doesn't clear out 
 soon," says Percy. 
 
 " Honest? " says I. " Well, you wait right 
 there a minute and maybe I'll hand it to you. 
 Just a minute, now! " 
 
 With that I hops over the rail, grabs a gar- 
 den hose I'd seen coiled up neat and handy, 
 turns the wheel, and scrambles back just as 
 the water comes on full force. Does Percy get 
 it? Slam in the face. The girls scream and 
 jump, and Master Percy opens his mouth to 
 howl. 
 
 11 Ug-ug-guggle-guggle ! ' : observes Percy, 
 dancin' around wild and splutterin'. 
 
 Then Harold tries a rush in, and he gets it 
 too. 
 
 " You will buck up against a perfectly good 
 chaperon, will you? " says I. " Such nice lads,
 
 UNDER WAY WITH UNCLE BOD 75 
 
 too! Eh? Another souse for you, Percy? 
 Still got that cuddly feelin', have you? Well, 
 this ought to cure it. Ain't you ashamed, 
 shockin' the neighbors that way? Got enough? 
 Well, see you don't drip on the veranda as you 
 leave, and be sure to tell Mother it rained hard 
 where you were this evenin'. Don't forget! ' ; 
 Peeved? Oh, sure! And I expect if there 
 hadn't been ladies present they might have 
 mussed me up some; but with Dot and Dimple 
 standin' one side and near doubled up with 
 glee, and me handlin' the hose so accurate, the 
 poor boys didn't have any show. They just 
 beat it, that's all, and I'll bet they left damp 
 streaks for a mile. 
 
 I'd done all the chaperonin', though, that I 
 cared to deliver at one time, and I woke up 
 Rodney and told him so flat. We talked it 
 over for an hour, and ended by agreein' that 
 anybody who started out to train Dot and Dim- 
 ple had got to have more authority than either 
 of us could muster. 
 
 11 And, by Jove! " says Rodney emphatic, 
 " I wish I had it! " 
 
 " Well, there's only one way I know of to 
 get it," says I. 
 
 Eh? " says Rodney. 
 
 By stepfatherin' 'em," says I. 
 
 Oh, really, really! " he protests. 
 
 But you'd have to saw off them allspice 
 
 "
 
 76 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 tinted whiskers before you had the ghost of 
 a show," says I. "It might be worth tryin', 
 though. ' ' 
 
 " By George! " says Eodney, after thinkin' 
 that over for awhile. r< I wonder " 
 ' Then we turned in, and as there was an 
 early mornin' message from Mrs. Heather- * 
 wood sayin' she'd arrive on the noon train, I 
 has an eight o'clock breakfast and Eodney 
 drives me in to catch the nine-fifteen back to 
 town. 
 
 And, say, you wouldn't of thought it of 
 him, would you? but less'n a week later, as 
 Mr. Eobert swings in through the gate one 
 mornin', he stops and grins sociable. 
 
 " Well, I hear your friend Blake has gone 
 and done it," says he. " Married yesterday." 
 
 " Honest? " says I. " Then that was him 
 I saw sneakin' into the barber's as the train 
 pulled out. But, say, I know a pair of sweet 
 young things that's billed to be broken of the 
 Juliet clinch habit before the season's over. 
 Eodney 's a little slow on the getaway; but he 
 means business when he once gets started, be- 
 lieve mel "
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 
 
 JUST to watch the diff'rent kinds of folks 
 knockin' around sort of blind and casual, the 
 good ones gettin' let in wrong, and the crooked 
 ones pullin' down the extra dividends, and both 
 sides actin' like they was grouched at bein' 
 here at all well, you'd most think life was 
 only a punk scheme run without sense or sys- 
 tem. 
 
 And yet, somehow or other, we all seem to 
 fit in; even me and Doc White and J. Chubb 
 Teedy. 
 
 Doc he was about the biggest surprise pack- 
 age I've had sprung on me since the last full 
 moon. Course, I'd seen him hangin' around 
 the office for near a week; for he put in two 
 whole days waitin' for Mr. Eobert until he 
 fin'lly lands him. 
 
 He's a tall, wiry gent, kind of youngish and 
 fresh cheeked, with mild gray eyes, and mild 
 ways, and a quiet, bashful smile, and he's about 
 the most patient waiter I'd ever seen holdin' 
 down one of our reception room chairs. 
 
 Just what his line was I had to pass up;
 
 78 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 but I locates his section as soon as he makes 
 that remark about hangin' his rain coat on the 
 rail, for he pronounces coat like it didn't have 
 an A in it something like cut, short and 
 snappy which tags him as hailin' from up 
 in the b'gosh belt. 
 
 " Hayin' all done? " says I, just to make 
 him feel at home. 
 
 " Mine was," says he, " sometime ago. I 
 notice you still have quite a crop to cut." 
 
 " Good work! " says I, givin' back the grin 
 and pattin' down the head thatch he's eyin' 
 humorous. " They do send out an occasional 
 live wire from Skowhegan, don't they? ' 
 
 " Bangor, too," says he. 
 
 " My, my! " says I. " It's a shame more 
 of them verdant villages don't show on the 
 map, they've got such cute names. Bangor! I 
 must remember that one." 
 
 " Hope you'll not strain anything in the ef- 
 fort," says he, his gray eyes twinklin'. 
 
 Say, me and him swapped quite some airy 
 persiflage durin' odd times, him on one side of 
 the brass gate and me on the other, and we got 
 more or less chummy. 
 
 " Who is that person? " inquires Mr. Piddie 
 suspicious. 
 
 " Delegate from the State of Maine," says 
 I, " come on special to get your job, Piddie." 
 
 Honest, I was dead sure he was trailin' some-
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 79 
 
 thing of the kind, but when Mr. Eobert comes 
 out with him after the interview and shakes 
 him by the mitt so cordial as he leaves, I saw 
 I had the wrong number. 
 
 11 Hired a new department head, or what? " 
 says I, noddin' towards the elevator. 
 
 And, bein' in a chatty mood, Mr. Eobert 
 gives me a few details. 
 
 Seems my pink cheeked friend was Professor 
 Taylor White, A.M., P.M., and a lot more, and 
 that the proper hail to give him was Doc. 
 He'd been in the same class with Mr. Robert at 
 college, only he hadn't run with quite the same 
 set; for, while Mr. Robert had been trainin' for 
 the crew, and doin' the fraternity act, and 
 staggerin' Old Hickory with his expense ac- 
 counts, Whity had been managin' an eatin' 
 club, and collectin' for a steam laundry, and 
 coppin' out scholarships to pay his term bills 
 with. So they hadn't mixed much, and it's no 
 wonder Mr. Robert didn't recognize the name 
 first off. 
 
 " But he's a remarkable chap," says Mr. 
 Robert. 
 
 " Back in Bangor? " says I. 
 
 No, it wa'n't in the canned corn and sardine 
 district that Professor White had cut his in- 
 itials deepest. He'd gone back to the pines for 
 awhile as a rock and mineral expert in one of 
 them rutabaga colleges, and then all of a sud-
 
 80 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 den he'd chucked his job and beat it over to 
 Africa. 
 
 He'd been readin' minin' reports, and he'd 
 run across an item about how they'd lost track 
 of the Barnato streak. Near as I could make 
 out, it was a case of some big gold mine that 
 had fizzled out unexpected, and the various min- 
 in' sharks that had been called in couldn't 
 agree on whether the streak had just petered 
 out, or had dipped to the right or left or 
 straight down. 
 
 Anyway, Whity gets interested, studies the 
 reports and diagrams that was printed, and 
 works out a theory of his own as to what had 
 become of the lost vein. Never 'd seen a gold 
 mine in his life, mind you ; but he takes a chance 
 on hikin' off there all on his own hook. And 
 when he gets on the ground, and finds this 
 ledge of rock stickin' straight up in the air 
 half a mile away, and compares it with the 
 stuff from the original streak, he announces 
 that he's solved the mystery. 
 
 He's right there with the action too, and 
 while it was some hard to convince a lot of 
 English experts that a pay streak could run up 
 as well as down, he hammered it into a few of 
 'em so hard that they put up the coin, bought 
 the mine, and set up some drills on the ledge 
 for test borings. Then come the guyin' from 
 the old minin' engineers, and the discovery
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 81 
 
 that it was goin' to cost a lot more than he'd 
 figured, and his bunch of backers begun gettin' 
 cold feet. 
 
 At that stage Whity decides that the only 
 way to keep things goin' was to hustle back 
 to New York and put the scheme up to someone 
 who was a real sport. And Mr. Robert was 
 the one he picked. Take a flyer? Why, if he 
 was fallin' off the Singer Buildin', Mr. Robert 
 would bet you on how many times he'd bounce! 
 He takes over control of the stock by cable, puts 
 five or ten thou. on the wire to keep the drills 
 goin', and forgets it durin' lunch hour. 
 
 Accordin' to his own schedule, Professor 
 Taylor White should have been hikin' back to 
 boss the job; but he misses first one steamer 
 and then another, until it comes out he's gone 
 and got mushy on a young lady he'd met comin' 
 over from Liverpool. I accumulated them de- 
 tails by careless rubberin' at the 'phone desk 
 one afternoon, and, by the way he describes 
 her to Mr. Robert, Doc must have had his nerve 
 with him; for she's an English swell, the Hon. 
 Miss Greaves, who's come over with Mrs. 
 Brooks Linn for a peek at New York society. 
 
 " Mrs. Brooks Linn! " says Mr. Robert. 
 " Why, then the young lady must be quite all 
 right. Know her? Certainly. Everyone 
 knows Mrs. Brooks Linn, and she's an eccen- 
 tric old tartar."
 
 82 TRYING OUT TOUCHY 
 
 " Gee! " thinks I. " For a quiet party the 
 Doc sure is a high looker." 
 
 It ain't more'n a couple of days later, 
 though, that Whity has another long chin with 
 Mr. Robert, and comes out lookin' sort of wor- 
 ried. 
 
 11 Bosh! " Mr. Robert was sayin'. " Why, 
 of course you must go. You'll not be expected 
 to perform, and you can watch for a chance to 
 have your chat with Miss Greaves. You'll need 
 a frock coat, you know, and a few other things. 
 Oh, certainly you can do it." 
 
 And knowin' Whity 's hist'ry, I could piece 
 out the rest. He was up against one of Mrs. 
 Brooks Linn's oolong handouts, and the pros- 
 pects of buttin' into society with only a Bangor 
 trainin' was sendin' shivers down his spine. 
 But, unless he wanted to scratch his entry in 
 the Fair Lady Handicap, it had to be done. 
 Also it was now or never. 
 
 With his finger on the down button, Mr. 
 Robert calls back to me, " Oh, I say, Torchy! 
 If a Cape Town cable should come in before 
 closing time you'd best bring it up. There's 
 the address and ask for me." 
 
 It's one of Mrs. Brooks Linn's at home 
 cards he scales through the door, and I gets 
 Piddie fussed to the fins by flashin' it casual 
 and remarkin' how kind the dear old soul was 
 to remember me. I wa'n't lookin' for the mes-
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 83 
 
 sage to show up at all; but blamed if a Postal 
 kid don 't drift in about half past four and chuck 
 it on my desk. 
 
 " Excuse me for rattin' before the whistle 
 blows, Piddie," says I, grabbin' my cap; " but 
 I expect Mrs. Brooks Linn is wonderin' why I'm 
 so late." 
 
 She's one of the old Knickerbocker set, you 
 know, that still sticks to lower Fifth-ave. even 
 if the cloak and suit factories are gettin' thick 
 around her, and the old colored butler that holds 
 me up at the top of the brownstone steps looks 
 as though he might belong to a Double Tom and 
 Hounds Company. 
 
 " Yes, I know, Uncle," says I, " maybe I 
 don't look like I took lemon with two lumps 
 reg'lar; but here's the card, and if you'll 
 show me in where I can have a word with 
 Mr. Robert Ellins I'll soon be on my way 
 again. ' ' 
 
 Lucky it wa'n't a crush, or I might have 
 drifted around them big parlors for an hour; 
 but there wa'n't more'n a couple of dozen peo- 
 ple on hand, and Mr. Eobert and his friend 
 Whity looms up conspicuous near the first set 
 )f double doors. They was lookin' sort of bored 
 >o, and Mr. Robert heaves a sigh of relief when 
 le sees me with the envelope. 
 
 " Hello. Here's a good excuse," says he, tak- 
 ing the message. " Let's see what they say.
 
 84 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 Eh? Here, old man, listen to this! ' Good 
 colors at ninety-foot level. Send White over at 
 once.' Well, old man, it looks as though you 
 were a winner." 
 
 " Over there, yes," says he, as cool as you 
 please; " but here well, I suppose I might as 
 well quit. My esteemed rival still seems to be 
 holding the floor." 
 
 " It's his specialty," says Mr. Robert. " If 
 there was only someone who could take a little 
 of the wind out of By George ! " he breaks 
 off short, and then whispers eager, " What do 
 you say to trying Torchy against him? ' 
 
 11 But but how? " says the professor, lookin' 
 puzzled. " And would it do? " 
 
 " I'll shoulder all consequences," says Mr. 
 Robert. " Here, come on up to the cloakroom. 
 Young Tubbman's just gone up. We'll levy on 
 him. This way, Torchy." 
 
 And before I can get my breath we're up in 
 a front chamber listenin' to Mr. Robert explain 
 to a languid, light haired young gent that his 
 frock coat and white tie are needed bad for an 
 emergency case that he'll be told all about later 
 on and wouldn't he smoke a cigarette or two 
 meanwhile? Tubby would, with pleasure, and 
 inside of two minutes we've changed rigs and 
 I'm bein' hustled down stairs again. 
 
 " But what's the dope? " says I. " What 
 are my lines? "
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 85 
 
 " Just act natural, that's all," says Mr. Bob- 
 ert. " No time to tell you more. Here we are. 
 Ah! Mrs. Brooks Linn, I've taken the liberty 
 of bringing in a young business associate who 
 has just brought me some important news. 
 May I present Mr. Torchy? " 
 
 As a matter of fact, it didn't make much dif- 
 f 'rence what he said; for the old girl wa'n't pay- 
 in' attention, and before he's half through she 
 sticks out a pudgy hand covered with marquise 
 rings and mumbles something about bein' 
 tickled to death to see me. One of these huge, 
 triple chinned old parties, Mrs. Brooks Linn is, 
 and the way she's sittin' bolstered up in that 
 big chair fannin' herself with a dinky little 
 feather affair reminds me of a trick elephant in 
 skirts. 
 
 Next I'm made acquainted with the real queen 
 of the party, the Hon. Miss Greaves. With a 
 handle like that to her name I was expectin' a 
 tall, haughty beaut, all neck and waist, like 
 you see in the coronation pictures ; but it was a 
 bad guess. She's one of these cute, cuddly 
 little fairies, with big, forget-me-not blue eyes, 
 and a lot of silky gold hair knotted loose at 
 the back. She's dressed as simple as if she was 
 costumed for a milkmaid act, and when she 
 shakes hands and says she's glad to know me I'd 
 been willin ' to take oath she meant every word 
 of it. Think of loadin' a sweet young thing like
 
 86 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 that down with. " Honorable," as if she was a 
 bloomin' Congressman! Ain't that English, 
 though 1 
 
 I couldn't blame Doc White a bit for wantin' 
 to stay on the same side of the Atlantic with 
 her, and I don't know but I'd taken a chance 
 on exchangin' some tea party chat with her 
 myself if there 'd been an openin'. But there 
 wa'n't. The center of the stage and every- 
 body's attention was bein' occupied just then 
 by a round faced, rolypoly young gent who was 
 doin' funny stunts at the piano. He was stand- 
 in' up to it sort of careless, ticklin' the tumpy- 
 tum stuff out of the keys in the most surprisin' 
 ways, usin' his elbows, knees, and even his nose, 
 and windin' up by whirlin' around and sittin' 
 slam down on the north end with a grand crash. 
 But you know them parlor entertainers. Only 
 this one was real shifty at it, and he takes the 
 big applause he gets with a bored air that was 
 almost convincin'. 
 
 " Isn't Chubb just too killing! " I hears Mrs. 
 Brooks Linn puff out. 
 
 I'd just been handed a cup of tea by a young 
 lady floater and was trying to balance a lettuce 
 sandwich on the edge of the saucer, when Mr. 
 Robert jumps to the front and leads up the 
 star performer. He introduces him as Mr. J. 
 Chubb Teedy. 
 
 " Ah! " says Mr. Teedy, winkin' roguish at
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 87 
 
 the audience. " Charmed, I'm sure. And par- 
 don me, but what cheerful hair! r 
 
 Course, I wa'n't lookin' for any familiar josh 
 at that stage of the game ; so I only grins sort 
 of foolish and tries to back into a corner. 
 Seemed to encourage Teedy, them bashful mo- 
 tions of mine, and he follows on. 
 
 11 Do you know," says he, " I'm horribly curi- 
 ous about little things. Now tell me; do you 
 stir your tea with your right or your left 
 hand? " 
 
 There's no gettin' away from J. Chubb 's 
 voice, either. It's one of these brassy, high 
 pitched society voices that drowns out every- 
 thing else, and I could see everybody stoppin' 
 to listen and look. Now, I was feelin' sheepish 
 enough in that long skirted coat, without havin' 
 the limelight turned on me in that fashion ; but 
 I manages to admit that I gener'lly uses iny 
 right hand. 
 
 11 Just fancy! " pipes up Teedy. " Now, I 
 prefer a spoon." 
 
 There's a roar over that musty one, and I 
 tints up like an autumn leaf. After that I near 
 chokes takin' a hasty swallow of the tea stuff, 
 and gives a pretty punk exhibition. Eight in 
 the midst of it, though, I catches my breath, gets 
 a strangle hold on the panicky emotions, and 
 sends back a grin.
 
 88 
 
 " Spoon, eh? " says I. " Now, I'd thought 
 a nursin' bottle might be more your style." 
 
 " Eh? " says Chubby boy, whirlin' around 
 a little jarred. " Precocious repartee, as I 
 live ! What say, good friends, shall we test the 
 mettle of this Knight of the Fiery Locks ? ' ' 
 
 41 Oh, do, do! " chimes in three or four at 
 once, and fat old Mrs. Brooks Linn beams ap- 
 provin'. 
 
 Just that little byplay gives me a map of the 
 situation. They'd been lookin' for a goat, and 
 I was it. As for J. Chubb Teedy, he is one of 
 these all star combinations who always figures 
 on havin' the spotlight to himself. He counts 
 on bein' played for the drawin' room favorite 
 against the field, and I could see where a quiet 
 chap like Doc White, or even a slow mover like 
 Mr. Robert, would have to play thinkin' parts 
 while he was around. Course, I didn't know 
 how Mr. Eobert would like it if I should cut 
 loose with the unpolished jibe; but the chesty 
 ways of this Teedy party was rapidly gettin' on 
 my nerves. 
 
 * ' Such a charming little fellow, too ! " he ob- 
 serves, turkeyin' around and examinin' me curi- 
 ous. " Perhaps he can sing for us? ' 
 
 " Never a sing," says I. 
 
 " But surely," he goes on, " with so much 
 brilliance on top, you must do something for our 
 amusement. Come, now! "
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 89 
 
 " I might recite your favorite poem," I sug- 
 gests. 
 
 ' ' Hear, hear ! ' ' says Teedy. ' ' Order in the 
 court! Our young friend will now recite my 
 favorite poem. Go ! ' * 
 
 "It's short," says I, " and it runs like this: 
 
 " I like its gentle gurgle, 
 I love its fluent flow: 
 I like to wind my mouth up 
 And I love to hear it go! " 
 
 Two titters and a giggle, and I suspect them 
 got out because it came so unexpected. The rest 
 was gasps. I didn't dare look Mr. Eobert's way 
 for fear I'd get the shut off signal; so I just 
 watched the changin' expression on J. Chubb 's 
 face. The jab got through his skin, all right; 
 but he pretends to yawn and then applauds 
 vigorous. 
 
 * ' Truly subtle, indeed ! ' ' says he. ' ' What a 
 gift to be able to memorize these jokebook 
 things! " 
 
 " How rough of you, Teedy! " says L 
 " Eight on the wrist that way! " , 
 
 " I suppose that's something clever, too," 
 says he, sneerin'; " but I fear I don't get 
 it." 
 
 " Oh, yes, you do," says L "It's there- 
 stuck in the oatmeal." 
 
 Then it was Teedy 's turn to work up a color.
 
 90 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Really," says he, swingin' on Ms heel, "I'm 
 not up on vaudeville dialogue, you know." 
 
 But I wa'n't goin' to let him squeal that way. 
 " What, goin' so soon? " says I. " Who's that 
 with you? ' 
 
 Teedy couldn't help givin' a quick glance 
 around, and then he has to bite his lip to keep 
 back the peevish reply. Don't think, though, I 
 was carryin' the crowd with me. Most of the 
 women was eyin' me slantwise, and old lady 
 Brooks Linn was fairly glarin'. 
 
 How was I to know that Chubby boy was her 
 pet nephew, and that she 'd been showin ' off his 
 cunnin' tricks ever since he was knee high? I 
 got posted on that afterwards, also as to her 
 plans for him and Miss Greaves. 
 
 So for the time bein' I slipped quiet into the 
 background while a soothin' committee of six 
 females gathered around Mr. Teedy and finally 
 succeeded in leadin' him back to the piano, 
 where there wa'n't any competition. And I 
 must say his imitation of a country band comin' 
 home from a firemen's muster was some comic 
 stunt. 
 
 This starts him off on imitations, and he was 
 gettin' curtain calls reg'lar, when Mrs. Brooks 
 Linn's trained nurse comes in to cart her off 
 for her daily dinner nap. It's a fixed event on 
 the program, I understand ; but the old girl says 
 nobody must mind her leavin', and orders every-
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 91 
 
 body to stay and listen to Chubb. So the party 
 don't break up; but the interruption gives me 
 a chance to sidle over to Mr. Robert and Doc 
 White. 
 
 " Too fresh, was I? " says I. " Well, I did- 
 n't plan on givin' it to him so raw; but " 
 
 " I was pained, Torchy, deeply pained," says 
 Mr. Robert, winkin' facetious; "but I expect 
 to recover. Meanwhile, should you have an- 
 other opportunity, you may er forget that I 
 am here. Teedy, you know, is all right in his 
 way; but he's a trifle too persistent." 
 
 " Oh! " says I. " You wouldn't care then, if 
 he was ditched? " 
 
 " The term hadn't occurred to me," says Mr. 
 Robert; " but if Hello, what is he up to 
 now? " 
 
 Teedy had just finished impersonatin' Na- 
 poleon on the Rock, and after whisperin' some- 
 thin' that set his circle of admirers off into a 
 spasm of snickers he begins nianipulatin' with 
 a linen table scarf and some sofa pillows. I 
 didn't tumble to his act until he plants himself 
 in the old girl's big easy chair and starts pad- 
 din' himself out. 
 
 " Too bad Aunty's missin' this turn," says I. 
 " I wonder if she couldn't be brought down 
 for it? " 
 
 ' ' By Jove ! ' ' says Mr. Robert. " If we could 
 only manage it ! "
 
 92 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " "Why not? " says I. " Lemme have a 
 stab." 
 
 With that I slips out, beats it upstairs, and 
 meets the nurse just closin' a door soft. 
 
 " Asleep yet, is she? " says I. 
 
 " The madame? " says she. " No, no. 
 We've hardly begun to undo what is it? " 
 
 " It it's Mr. Teedy! " I pants out. 
 
 11 Her nephew! " says she. " Why, what is 
 the matter? Has has anything serious hap- 
 pened? ' 
 
 " Can't say yet," says I, " only they're all 
 standin' around him and well, all I know is 
 he don't look quite himself." 
 
 11 Heavens ! " gasps the nurse, makin' a rush 
 through the door she'd just closed so easy. 
 
 Course it was all well enough for Mr. Robert 
 to stand back and sick me on ; but when it comes 
 to heavyweight old girls with a jaw like Mrs. 
 Brooks Linn, I'd rather debate at long range. 
 So I slips along to the cloakroom, makes a quick 
 change with the obligin' Tubbman, and beats 
 her to the lower hall. 
 
 I wa'n't any too quick; for right on my heels 
 comes Aunty, puffin' like a steam derrick and 
 bein' helped along by the nurse and two maids. 
 I gives her the right of way ; but follows in far 
 enough to see if the show is still on. It was. 
 Teedy is makin' the hit of his life, and the way 
 he lolls back in that big chair, and rolls his eyes,
 
 SHOWING TEEDY THE DITCH 93 
 
 and simpers, and uses a little fan, was a dead 
 ringer for the old girl. Anyway, he had the 
 crowd shriekin', and he was enjoyin' himself 
 to the limit, until all of a sudden he looks over 
 their heads and sees her standin' between the 
 draperies glarin' at him. 
 
 The finish? Say, you don't suppose, when 
 I've touched off the fuse myself, I'm batty 
 enough to hang around while the blast goes off? 
 By the time she opened up on him I must have 
 been a block away. 
 
 But it worked like a charm. Mr. Robert re- 
 ports next day that inside of ten minutes Aunty 
 had disinherited Chubby boy three times, 
 fainted twice, and been lugged off to her room 
 with the nurse holdin' smellin' salts to her nose. 
 Also it appears that Doc White stays through 
 the excitement, and grabs the first chance he's 
 had in two weeks for to win' the Hon. Miss 
 Greaves into the conservatory and whisperin' 
 a few remarks in her ear. Must have been right 
 to the point too ; for the latest bulletin from him 
 is that it's all settled. 
 
 " Bough on Teedy, though," says I, " losin' 
 out on both girl and will at one strike." 
 
 " You needn't worry about that," says Mr. 
 Eobert. " He and Aunty made it all up yes- 
 terday. As a matter of fact, she can't get along 
 without him." 
 
 " Sort of a livin' comic supplement for her,
 
 94 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 is he? " says I. " Well, that's one kind of a 
 job, ain't it? " 
 
 And, as I was sayin', somehow or other we 
 all seem to fit into the scheme. So there must 
 be some system to it, after all.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOB TOOTS BOY 
 
 ANYWAY, there's worse things in the world 
 than red-headity, even when it runs into such a 
 bonfire tint as mine. 
 
 * * Look out, Torchy ! ' ' says one of the humor- 
 ists on our office staff. " You'll be using a 
 celluloid comb by mistake one of these days, and 
 then bang ! you '11 come down here next morn- 
 ing with a head like a peeled onion." 
 
 " It'll do to go with that cabbage you wear 
 a hat on, won't it? " says I. 
 
 " Don't be grouchy," says he. " We know 
 you didn't pick out that color as a matter of 
 personal choice." 
 
 "Ah, you're jealous I" says I. " If I 
 thought there was danger of anybody imitatin' 
 that shade, I'd have it copyrighted." 
 
 And, honest, I wouldn't know how to get 
 along without my red hair. See the fun it 
 brings in and the folks it gets me acquainted 
 with ! Three out of five strangers, after they've 
 had their first glimpse of me, will turn away and 
 grin. The others don't turn away. And me, I 
 grin back. Why not? 
 
 95
 
 96 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 It was comin' down in a scrub way train not 
 long ago that my ruddy thatch makes its star 
 hit, though. I must have had my cap off, lettin' 
 some of that non-dividend producin' Inter- 
 borough atmosphere blow through my locks, 
 when I hears a cooin' little voice over my 
 shoulder going " 0-o-o-ou! ' and I turns 
 around to see a cute three-year-old standin' up 
 on the next seat to me, with his eyes popped out 
 and a chubby forefinger pointin' straight at my 
 topknot. 
 
 " 'Ook, Mummer! See! " says he. 
 
 About the same time Mother does look, dis- 
 covers what Kiddie is up to, and grows red in 
 the cheeks. She's one of these neat, modest 
 dressed, delicate tinted, pleasant faced young 
 women, that acts like she usually took things 
 calm and easy. But this stunt of the youngster's 
 in tryin' to advertise my still alarm seems to 
 get her some fussed. 
 
 " Why, Kirby! " says she, removin' the ac- 
 cusin' finger firm but gentle, and throwin' me a 
 smile carryin' a truckload of assorted apol- 
 ogies. 
 
 Master Kirby, though, can't get over his ex- 
 citement all in a minute. He wants to make sure 
 Mother has done justice to the subject. So he 
 remarks once more, this time pipin' up strong, 
 and loud, * ' See, Mummer, see ! Pinky pink ! ' ' 
 
 " No, no," says I; " reddy red. And watch
 
 SCOKING UP ONE FOE TOOTS BOY 97 
 
 out or it'll burny burn. See? Z-t-t-t-t! " and 
 with that I wets one finger and goes through 
 the motions. 
 
 Course, that gets a laugh out of him ; one of 
 these clear, hearty, ripplin' kid laughs that does 
 you good to hear. 
 
 " Do again! Do again! " is the way he 
 calls for an encore; so I repeats the perform- 
 ance. With that second laugh we has everybody 
 in our end of the car lettin' the reefs out of 
 their mouth corners. 
 
 ' * More, more ! ' ' demands the kid. 
 
 " Why, Kirby ! " says Mother, protestin' sort 
 of mild. 
 
 * ' It 's your turn, ' ' says I. ' ' You try it. ' ' 
 
 And Kirby he wets one finger generous and 
 sticks it out. 
 
 " Z-t-t-t-t! " says I, at which Kirby laughs 
 so hard he settles back into Mummer 's lap good 
 and solid. 
 
 We kept up the game too, from 42d down to 
 14th, and the more he did it the funnier it 
 seemed to get. Course, I admit it wouldn't have 
 been so humorous from some kids ; but this one 
 has such a way of lookin' at you out of them 
 big, round, brown eyes, and his cheeks are so 
 chubby and pink, that I guess most anything 
 he could do would have seemed cute. You know 
 the kind. And Mother acted so calm and sen- 
 sible about it, not pretendin' to fuss or tryin*
 
 98 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 to spoil the fun when she saw I didn't mind, 
 that I rides two stations beyond where I should 
 have got off, just for the sake of amusin' little 
 Kirby. I helps him across Broadway too, and 
 was goin' to beat it back to the office then, but^ 
 he still has a grip on my finger and don't want 
 to let go. 
 
 " Turn," says he. " We go home. You turn 
 too." 
 
 " Well, I guess I can go a ways," says I. 
 
 " You nice mans," says he. " Nice mans." 
 
 " Thanks," says I. " You're more or less 
 popular with me yourself. What's your name, 
 eh? " 
 
 " Tirby 'Ooker De Mott," he comes back 
 quick as a flash. 
 
 " Well, that's some name, all right," says I. 
 
 11 Daddy tall me Toots Boy," says he. 
 
 " Toots Boy, eh? " says I. " Now, that's 
 more like. Can I call you Toots Boy too? ' 
 
 " You tan," says he. " What's 'oo name? " 
 
 ' ' Me ? " says I. * * Why, I 'm Torchy, ' ' which 
 seems to amuse Mother a lot. 
 
 And by the time I'd found they lived on the 
 same street that I do we begun to get better 
 acquainted. Toots Boy had made me promise 
 to come in sometime and see his ' ' wind-up bear 
 'at can hop dance, ' ' and I 've made a date to take 
 him for a Sunday mornin' walk. 
 
 Funny, ain't it, how you'll pick up new peo-
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOB TOOTS BOY 99 
 
 pie that way, and how soon you get to know all 
 about 'em? Course, with a ready converser 
 like Toots around, fam'ly secrets would have 
 had a poor show. But the De Motts didn't 
 seem to have any they wanted to keep under 
 cover. They was just as classy and refined 
 young folks as you could dig up anywhere on 
 Fifth-ave. ; but here they was livin' on the top 
 floor of one of these old-time, no elevator, rail- 
 road flat houses, a whole block west of the so- 
 ciety belt, skirmishin' along cheap, and makin' 
 no bones of it. 
 
 They had me guessin' some at first, specially 
 after I'd got to know Mr. De Mott; for he's a 
 fine lookin', clean cut young chap, who can put 
 over the polite English as smooth and natural as 
 any of Mr. Robert's swell friends. I don't 
 mean the " Aw, chaamed to meetchu! " gush 
 that Piddie gets off to strangers; but the real 
 article, with all the G's and D's sounded, and 
 the accents placed just right. The way he car- 
 ries his chin up, and looks you level between 
 the eyes when he talks, went with the rest of it 
 too. 
 
 But blamed if he wa'n't still wearin' a sum- 
 mer suit, and the overcoat he sports is one of 
 them out of date paddocks that got the hook 
 three or four seasons back. Seems that Mrs. 
 De Mott is her own cook too, and that when 
 Daddy's home he's chief dishwiper. He had
 
 100 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 his coat off and was hard at it first time I went 
 up there to get little Kirby; but he only laughs 
 and keeps right on polishin' off the blue 
 crockery. 
 
 I'd sized him up as holdin' down a twenty- 
 five-dollar a week job with some insurance com- 
 pany or brokers ' firm ; but later on it comes out 
 that he's his own boss. Seems he's in with a 
 friend of his who's a minin' engineer and has 
 figured out a patent ore car that they're tryin' 
 to get orders for, havin' as a side line the down- 
 town agency for a new gas mantle that pays 
 their office rent and leaves 'em something to 
 live on. 
 
 Nothing very allurin' about them prospects; 
 but the De Motts seemed to be takin' it cheer- 
 ful. Anyway, it would been hard workin' up 
 much gloom with Toots Boy around; for he's 
 just so many pounds of condensed sunshine. 
 First off he has to show Daddy how my hair 
 goes " Z-t-t-t-t! " when you touch your finger 
 to it. 
 
 11 Pinky pink! " he chuckles. 
 
 " All right," says I. " Let it go as pink; but 
 you're either jollyin', or else you're color blind. 
 Now all aboard for our walky walk. ' ' 
 
 It was a lively promenade we had, Toots Boy 
 and me; with him toddlin' along holdin' onto 
 my hand, askin' questions as fast as he could 
 get 'em out, and fillin' in any gaps with chunks
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOR TOOTS BOY 101 
 
 of information about Daddy and Mummer and 
 the wind-up bear. Wish I could remember some 
 of them choice bits; but there was too many 
 of 'em. 
 
 Besides, what I want to get to is last Satur- 
 day afternoon. I'd been tellin' Zenobia and 
 Martha, the prize pair of old ladies that I live 
 with, all about Toots, and I'd planned to show 
 him off to them. So as soon as quittin' time 
 comes I fades from the Corrugated Trust's 
 gen'ral office, leavin' the brass gate wide open, 
 and chases around to the top flat after little 
 Kirby. It don't take long for Mother to button 
 on his leggin's and coat, in spite of his dancin' 
 up and down and announcing " See gol' fisses, 
 Mummer ! Torchy take me see gol ' fisses ! ' 
 
 " Sure," says I. " Swimmin' around in a 
 glass tank. And a little turtle, too, right in 
 the front window." 
 
 You see, Aunt Martha's goldfish had been 
 the bait I'd held out, and he'd jumped at it 
 eager. Maybe he don't look some cute too, in 
 that reefer of his, and his little cap that don't 
 half cover up all the brown curls, and them big 
 eyes just sparklin' with fun and good nature! 
 Honest, I was most as proud of exhibitin' Kirby 
 as if he'd been some relation of my own. 
 
 So when I gets to the house and sees who it 
 is Aunt Martha's entertainin' in the sittin' 
 room, I'm some sore. It's Miss Agnes, which
 
 102 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 means that Zenobia has either beat it, or shut 
 herself in somewhere up stairs. That don't 
 sound much like Zenobia, either; for she's an 
 easy tempered old girl and a good sport who 
 gen 'rally takes things as they come. But this 
 niece of hers and Martha's is the one party who 
 seems to get on her nerves. 
 
 I'll admit she'd get on mine too; for, while 
 she's a swell looker, and wears her clothes like 
 a thoroughbred, she always struck me as a 
 mighty frosty proposition. 
 
 That ain't just because of the row she raised 
 at the time she heard of my being taken in, 
 either. There's something about the cuttin' 
 way she says things, and the sharp edge she 
 gets on her voice, that rubs me the wrong way. 
 Also there ain't anything friendly in her man- 
 ner in lookin' you over. Besides that, she gen'- 
 rally has a headache just comin' on, or just 
 passin' off, and as a rule she's all worked up 
 over some awfully mean thing that's been 
 done to her by one of her most intimate 
 friends. 
 
 Oh, I've heard Agnes discussed often enough 
 to know her from the ground up ; for Aunt Mar- 
 tha thinks she's just about right, and Zenobia 
 holds diff'rent views. 
 
 " The poor child! " Martha would sigh after 
 one of her visits. 
 
 " Let's see," says Zenobia, " Agnes is
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOE TOOTS BOY 103 
 
 twenty-six, isn't she? That's what I call an 
 old maid." 
 
 " But surely, Zenobia," comes back Martha, 
 " you wouldn't blame her for " 
 
 " I would, and I do! " says Zenobia decided. 
 " At sixteen she was a lovely and somewhat 
 charming girl, only beginning to be spoiled. At 
 nineteen she was a beauty, with her whole 
 family, a big circle of friends, and goodness 
 knows how many nice young men anxious to let 
 her use them as doormats. Eesult: a selfish, 
 ill natured, thoroughly spoiled young person. 
 It's a national custom, I know; but that doesn't 
 make it less silly." 
 
 " I'm sure Agnes seems to be just as popu- 
 lar as ever," protests Martha. 
 
 11 Meaning that she is always on the go, 
 dinners, dances, bridge, theater parties, and so 
 on. I know," says Zenobia. " That kind of 
 popularity is easily kept up; but it isn't cheap. 
 You pay the price. Agnes is paying now. This 
 last breakdown of hers was nerves, wasn't it? 
 No wonder! " 
 
 " I suppose you would have a brilliant girl 
 like that bury herself in the suburbs, with three 
 or four crying children to bring up? " says 
 Martha. 
 
 " That would be exactly my advice," says 
 Zenobia. " She'd have something worth doing 
 then, and she wouldn't be growing into an acid
 
 104 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 dispositioned society old maid. She has had 
 her chances, three of them to my knowledge." 
 
 " But all three engagements she broke her- 
 self, you know," says Martha. 
 
 " Because she wouldn't give up any of her 
 fun," says Zenobia. " It costs three thousand 
 a year to keep Agnes going, and not one of 
 those young men could afford that. She knew 
 it, and they knew it. Bah! I've no patience 
 with such girls ! And there are thousands like 
 her, I presume. Thank goodness there are 
 plenty of the other kind too, so the race keeps 
 on! " 
 
 Course, when it comes to an argument, Aunt 
 Martha ain't one-two-sixteen with Zenobia, who 
 always has plenty of facts and language to back 
 up her opinions. And while I never took much 
 notice of the fine points of the debate, I was 
 strong for the gen'ral proposition that Agnes 
 was just a limedrop done up in a fancy package. 
 
 So, instead of announcin' with a whoop that 
 I'd brought in Toots Boy, I smuggles him into 
 the front room, plants him alongside the goldfish 
 tank, and goes scoutin' back to see if I can find 
 Zenobia anywhere. There was no dodgin' Ag- 
 nes, though. She spots me as I'm gumshoein' 
 down the hallway and holds me up with, " I 
 say, who is that? ' 
 
 " Me," says I, stickin' my head in the door. 
 
 " Oh, you! " says Agnes, sort of sniffing
 
 SCOEING UP ONE FOE TOOTS BOY 105 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I, lookin' past her to Mar- 
 tha. "I've got the youngster in the other 
 room." 
 
 " What youngster? " demands Agnes. 
 
 So Martha has to explain that it's a little 
 boy from down the block that I've got ac- 
 quainted with. 
 
 " How perfectly absurd! " says Agnes. 
 " Bringing strange children in from the 
 street! " 
 
 " Excuse me," says I, " but this one come 
 straight from home." 
 
 " Yes, and no knowing what disease germs 
 he may bring with him ! ' ' says Agnes. ' * That 's 
 the way the Coulter children contracted diph- 
 theria, you know, Aunt Martha. You shouldn't 
 allow it." 
 
 * ' Mercy ! ' ' squeals Martha. * ' Are you sure 
 he hasn't diphtheria, Torchy? " 
 
 " Say," says I, " you just take a squint zfr 
 him, and if you think little Kirby looks like " 
 
 " Kirby! " breaks in Agnes. " Kirby 
 
 " Why, Kirby Hooker De Mott, Junior,' 1 
 says I. 
 
 " What! " says she, sittin' up straight and 
 changin' color. 
 
 " Maybe you'd like to hear him say it! " 
 says I. 
 
 " No, no! " says she. " I don't want to see
 
 106 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 the child. But tell me, do you know his his 
 father? " 
 
 " Sure thing," says I. " And he's all right, 
 too." 
 
 " Do you think, Agnes," says Aunt Martha, 
 " it can be the young Mr. De Mott whom 
 you " 
 
 " Oh, I've not the least doubt; the three 
 names, you know," says Agnes. " So he's mar- 
 ried, is he? " and she gives a hard little laugh 
 that's about as merry as breakin' a pane of 
 glass. 
 
 " Married? " says I. " Well, I guess you'd 
 think so to see him with an apron on, helpin* 
 Mrs. De Mott around the flat! He sure looks 
 some domestic then." 
 
 " And what is she like Mrs. De Mott? " says 
 Agnes. 
 
 " She's a corker, Mrs. De Mott is," says I. 
 " Not one of your hobble skirt queens, of 
 course ; but the kind that shows up as well in a 
 dustin' cap as she would in a Paris lid, if she 
 had one. And, say, she can build a dumplin' 
 beef stew that 's a dream ! ' : 
 
 " Really! " says Agnes, archin' them curved 
 eyebrows of hers a little more. " Perhaps you 
 know her first name? ' 
 
 " Lucy," says I. 
 
 Agnes bites her lip some at that, and as Aunt 
 Martha is lookin' over inquirin' she remarks.
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOR TOOTS BOY 107 
 
 " The youngest Whittmore girl; you remember, 
 they came from somewhere near Boston. Kirby 
 knew them while he was at college. So Kirby 
 lives in a flat and his wife does her own house- 
 work? Ha, ha! Doesn't that sound odd, Aunt 
 Martha? " 
 
 " But you knew, Agnes,*' says Martha, " that 
 his father left almost nothing." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I knew," says Agnes. " I believe 
 he told me something of the sort one night 
 when Well, never mind now. I wonder, 
 though, if Kirby can wipe dishes as well as he 
 used to lead the cotillion? " 
 
 " He ain't any slouch at the dishwipin' game, 
 anyway," says I. 
 
 " I hope that isn't his whole occupation," 
 says Agnes, smilin' sarcastic at Martha. " Do 
 you know if he does anything else? " 
 
 " "Well," says I, " he sells gas mantles in th$ 
 downtown district." 
 
 " A peddler? " says Agnes. 
 
 " Not much! " says I. " He's outside agent. 
 But, say, maybe he won't always be doin' that, 
 either. Wait until him and his partner get in 
 some orders for their new ore cars. It's a long 
 shot, I expect; but some day it may land him 
 right." 
 
 " How thrilling! " says Agnes. " Meanwhile 
 he helps with the dishes. You see, Aunt Mar- 
 jth?, what I missed. I'm sure I couldn't evem
 
 108 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 help make a beefstew. And as for waiting 
 years and years for some patent to " 
 
 " Maybe it won't be so many years," says I. 
 " I've steered him up against Mr. Ellins of the 
 Corrugated Trust, and if he can get our firm to 
 place an order he'll be on Easy Street." 
 
 " And then," says Agnes, " I suppose Mrs. 
 De Mott will have a maid, and perhaps move 
 into a larger flat? How gorgeous! Perhaps 
 too there will be a nurse for little Kirby 
 and" 
 
 " I'm tummin'! I'm tummin'! ' : pipes a 
 little voice full of laughs. " I made fisses go 
 wound and wound! " and in rushes Toots Boy, 
 all excited, with his cheeks like a flower shop 
 window, and his round eyes just dancin'. 
 " Oh," says he, stoppin' in front of Agnes and 
 sizin' her up admirin'. " Pitty, pitty! " 
 
 And Agnes, she sits there starin' at little 
 Kirby like she was seein' a ghost. 
 
 11 I like 'oo," he remarks. And then, holdin* 
 out both hands and springin' one of them win- 
 nin' smiles of his, he demands, " 'Oo takes 
 up Toots Boy? Yes?" 
 
 She tries to look somewhere else, first at Aunt 
 Martha, and then at the door; but it's no use. 
 There stands Toots Boy right in front of her, 
 with his arms out coaxin', and that admirin' 
 look on his face. 
 
 Agnes turns white and then red, and seems
 
 SCORING UP ONE FOR TOOTS BOY 109 
 
 to be tryin' to swallow something. But all of 
 a sudden she reaches out and grabs him up. 
 Toots Boy knows what to do then, all right. 
 He puts his arms right around her neck and 
 gives her a reg'lar bear hug, just like he gives 
 Mummer, or anyone else that's nice. 
 
 Does that get Agnes'? Say, it would have 
 melted icicles off'm an iron lamp post! And 
 after he's let her cuddle him a minute, he just 
 naturally takes her by one hand, and Aunt Mar- 
 tha by the other, and tows 'em into the front 
 room to see how he can make the " fisses go 
 wound and wound ' ' after his pink finger. 
 
 " You darling! " says Agnes, givin' him a 
 final hug when the half -hour is up and I starts 
 to take him back to the flat. 
 
 We'd got only about ten doors down when I 
 discovers that one of Kirby's woolen gloves is 
 missin'; so we trails back as far as our front 
 steps and I leaves him there while I skips in 
 after it. 
 
 That's how I come to bust into the sittin' 
 room without warnin' and find Agnes face down 
 on the big couch sobbin ' away to beat the band, 
 and dampenin' a perfectly good sofa pillow 
 most reckless. Now what's my cue in a case like 
 that? I didn't have the answer, and, as there's 
 the missin' glove on the floor, I picks it up and 
 backs out without sayin' a word. 
 
 At the flat I finds Mr. De Mott, with a beamin'
 
 110 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 face and his arm around Mrs. De Mott in a 
 reg'lar lovers' clinch. 
 
 " Torchy," he shouts, hammerin' me on the 
 back with his free hand, " you're a brick! The 
 Corrugated will take our cars. Hurrah! " 
 
 But, say, what I can't quite figure out yet ia 
 just why Agnes did the weep act. Can you!
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 A BOOST FOB THE BENOS 
 
 MUST have been my day for standin' at the 
 receivin' end of the hard luck wire. First off 
 it was Izzy Budheimer, givin' me a long ear- 
 ache of how his cousin Ike was tryin' to over- 
 bid him on that cloakroom snap of his; then it 
 was Miss Smickett, our crack lady typist, who 
 unloads a tale of boardin' house woe; and lastly 
 comes Mr. Piddie, grouchin' away because 
 there was a block in the tube and he was half 
 an hour late gettin' over from Jersey. 
 
 And all this on a bright, snappy mornin', with 
 a sky as clear as a plate glass show window, 
 and the air tastin' like imported ginger ale. 
 
 11 Ah, ditch it! " says I to Piddie. " You 
 commuters ought to feel thankful to be let into 
 New York at all." 
 
 And I thought when I made a dash for the 
 Dairy Lunch three minutes before the noon 
 whistle blew that I'd shunted all them dole- 
 ful confidences for an hour at least. Just as 
 I'm gettin' in line for the pie counter, though, 
 I gets a glimpse of a tall, slim young gent who's 
 sidlin' up to the coffee urn and pullin' a tin pail 
 
 ill
 
 112 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 sort of sheepish out of a paper bag. So I takes 
 another look, and of course, the minute I spots 
 them deep set, blue eyes and the lengthy, serious 
 face, I has him located. 
 
 " Well, well! " says I, steppin' over to where 
 he's waitin' his turn. " And how's Skimp Far- 
 rell these days? " 
 
 Jars him almost as bad as if I'd jabbed him 
 with a pin. He whirls around nervous, and 
 then when he sees who it is he sighs sort of 
 relieved. 
 
 1 ' Oh, it 's you, eh, Torchy ? ' ' says he. 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. " But why the deep de- 
 ception with the Mocha growler? What's the 
 game? " 
 
 " That's right, rub it in! " says Skimp. 
 " Think I'm doing this to show off? Hardly, 
 Son, hardly. But, if you must know, pilot bread 
 and coffee in the room are a heap better than 
 parading Broadway with that gnawing feeling 
 under your vest. A quart, please, and plenty of 
 milk. Eight lumps will do." 
 
 ' ' Tut, tut ! ' ' says I. ' ' And you the only real 
 actor I got on my list ! But I thought since you 
 jumped the newspaper game and landed on the 
 big vaudeville circuit you was a sure win- 
 ner." 
 
 " Looked so at the start, didn't it? " says 
 Skimp. " But you can't keep on with one act 
 forever, and I couldn't get another sketch that
 
 A BOOST FOB THE BENOS 113 
 
 would fit as snug. First season I've missed out 
 on some sort of booking, though; but I'm sure 
 up against it this time." 
 
 " Not really, Skimp? " says I. 
 
 " Look at this," says he, holdin' up the cor- 
 ner of a rusty black frock coat and discloshr 
 a near satin linin' worn to ribbons. " Last 
 piece in the costume trunk. Got any cigarette 
 papers to spare? I still have half a bag of 
 alfalfa." 
 
 " I can do better 'n that, if you'll meet me at 
 six-thirty to-night," says I. " I'll stand for 
 the big eats and feel proud of it." 
 
 " Welcome words! " says Skimp, chokin' up 
 husky and pattin' me friendly. " Torchy, 
 that's the first genuine call to free food I've 
 heard in two months, and I've never listened 
 harder. Thanks, Son, deep thanks, and if ever 
 the time comes when you " 
 
 1 1 Ah, turn a rule on that ! ' ' says I. * ' Sup- 
 pose I've forgot them press seats you used to 
 slip me when we was on the Sunday edition to- 
 gether? Not a chance! And if you'll bring 
 your appetite to the corner of " 
 
 " No, no! " breaks in Skimp. "I'd like to; 
 but it must not be. Can't go back on the rest 
 of the firm, you know." 
 
 " Eh? " says I. " How big an aggregation 
 is it, anyway? " 
 
 And as I walks across the square with Skimp,
 
 114 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 shieldin' the coffee between us, lie gives a sketch 
 of the situation. Seems he's one of the Broth- 
 ers Beno, that does a burlesque jugglin' act, 
 with acrobatics on the side. There's three of 
 'em all told, and only one is an original Beno, 
 Skimp havin' been signed on when little Al Beno 
 gave up early last spring and took his cough 
 out to Denver. They did well enough in the 
 summer snap circuit, makin ' fair money at open 
 air resort houses; but when it come to gettin' 
 indoor dates for the winter there was nothin y 
 doin'. You know how good a jugglin' act has 
 to be to get a hand nowadays, and I judge theirs 
 must have been more or less punk, with their 
 hobo makeups and their back number lines. 
 
 " We did have one offer," says Skimp, " to 
 fill in between the pictures ; but Beno shied at it 
 and we curled the lip of scorn. Od Zooks ! if it 
 would only come again! For one, I'd be glad 
 to play for a film machine : anything to get off 
 this pilot bread and coffee diet. Well, here's 
 my corner." 
 
 * ' Then this is where I look for you and your 
 friends at half after six? " says I. 
 
 " But see here, Son," protests Skimp. " I 
 can't stack up a trio of bottomless pits against 
 a pay envelope the size of yours." 
 
 11 Pooh, pooh!" says I. "Likewise tush! 
 Why, Skimp, just the extra coin I rake in is 
 enough to sag my pockets. Besides, I know a
 
 A BOOST FOE THE BENOS 115 
 
 fifty-cent table d'hote where the spaghetti 
 1'Italienne alone is a sure cure for famine. 
 Anyway, I'll be here waitin'." 
 
 " I surrender," says Skimp. " You'll find us 
 forming a hollow square." 
 
 But the climax of the day comes when Mr. 
 Robert tries to switch Bertie Billings and his 
 glooms off onto me that same afternoon. Nice 
 boy, Bertie, if you don't scratch him too deep, 
 one of the fair haired, pink cheeked kind, who 
 thinks shredded thoughts and devotes his whole 
 soul to the job of makin' good in the younger 
 set. 
 
 Near as I can make out, Bertie's chief aim in 
 life is to be picked to lead a swell cotillion some- 
 time and wipe out the smear on the fam'ly es- 
 cutcheon caused by the bad breaks made by Pa 
 and Maw Billings when they moved east from 
 Milwaukee and tried to butt in on the strength 
 of their brewery stock and the new marble 
 bathroom. 
 
 Bertie's been well parlor broke, though, and 
 he's been comin' on slow but sure, now that Pa 
 and Maw have faded into the background. But 
 there's more or less competition, even in the 
 line he's picked out, and it's only now and then 
 he figures in the social notes. He belongs to 
 some good clubs, though, and he lets Mr. Robert 
 do him often at billiards, and occasion 'ly they 
 stroll back to the office together after lunch.
 
 116 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 This was one of Bertie's days, and as they're 
 about to part at the brass gate he seems to be 
 makin' some sort of an appeal for help. 
 
 " But I cawn't think of a single thing," he's 
 sayin', " and I've simply got to go Reggie one 
 better, you know ! ' ; 
 
 " Let's see," says Mr. Robert, " what was 
 Reggie's great masterpiece? ' 
 
 " Trout in a pool," says Bertie. " Had it 
 sunk in the table, and the guests caught their 
 own fish souvenir fishing rods, and all that. 
 Rippin' scheme, bah Jove ! Wish I'd thought of 
 it first, y'know." 
 
 " Why not have a duck pond, then," sug- 
 gests Mr. Robert, " and let your guests shoot 
 their own game during the soup course sou- 
 venir shotguns, too? ' 
 
 11 But, I say, Bob," chimes in Bertie eager, 
 " do you think Oh, come, now! It couldn't 
 be done. Don't chaff, old man. This is serious, 
 y'know. There's a monkey dinner, but that's 
 been done, and a girl in a pie. Oh, I say, cawn't 
 you tell me a new one? I'm floored, absolutely 
 floored ! ' And with that Bertie groans like he 
 was in real pain. 
 
 11 Sorry," says Mr. Robert, " but I haven't 
 an idea. You might ask Torchy here, though." 
 
 Bertie, he takes one glance at me, and then 
 gives another groan. " Don't be a brute, 
 Bob! " says he.
 
 A BOOST FOR THE BENOS 117 
 
 " Why," says Mr. Robert, " Torchy is our 
 emergency man. Isn't that so, Torchy? ' 
 
 " Sure! " says I, grinnin' back. " Idea ex- 
 pert and brain reserve for the whole shop, also 
 frettin' done for fussy folks." 
 
 Bertie boy ain't in a mood for bein' joshed, 
 though, and he pouts real pettish. 
 
 " There, there! " says Mr. Robert. " If I 
 hadn't a directors' meeting on hand I should 
 see what I could do, Bertie. But you've heard 
 Torchy describe himself: why not call his 
 bluff? " 
 
 " My rates for dinner ideas are twenty a 
 throw," says I. 
 
 " Twenty! " says Bertie. " I'd give fifty." 
 
 ' * Done ! ' ' says Mr. Robert, and then he turns 
 to me. " Now, young man, there's a commis- 
 sion for you. Come around at ten in the morn- 
 ing, Bertie, and Torchy will tell you all about 
 it. So long, old chap, and don't worry," and at 
 that Mr. Robert hustles into his private office, 
 leavin ' me and Bertie starin ' at each other with 
 our mouths open. He was takin' it mighty seri- 
 ous. Bertie was too, which seems to me a lot 
 like goin ' far to find trouble. But I can be real 
 cheerin' when I try hard. 
 
 " Whoops, m' dear! " says I. 
 
 " Eh! " says Bertie. 
 
 " Ah, don't you know the answer to that? ' 
 says I. " Say, ' I'm a daffodil.' All of which
 
 118 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 means, Mr. Billings, that you're to chirk up." 
 
 " I I don't in the least understand," says 
 Bertie. 
 
 " All right; deep coises, then," says I; " but 
 be sure and sound the K soft, as in scissors, and 
 when you cross Madison Square don't get lost 
 in the woods." 
 
 Honest, it was almost a shame to waste good 
 kiddin' on a nonresister like Bertie; but I had 
 to pass on something to pay for what Mr. Rob- 
 ert had handed me. 
 
 Then I got to thinkin' it over, and wonderin' 
 if it was all josh. Suppose I could work up a 
 scheme good enough to connect me with that 
 fifty 1 ? Ever try exercisin' your mind on a fool 
 problem like that? Well, it ain't such a cinch 
 as it seems, and inside of an hour I was almost 
 sympathizin' with Bertie. Then comes Mr. Rob- 
 ert, as he leaves for the day, shovin' it at me 
 once more. 
 
 " Remember," says he, " that we are rely- 
 ing on you to plan that dinner entertainment." 
 
 And I knew Mr. Robert. He thought he'd 
 slipped something humorous on me this time, 
 and he'd be bringin' it up for a month after as a 
 case where I'd had a chance and couldn't make 
 good. But couldn't I? By closin' time I had 
 the wheels goin' round at high speed, and all I 
 could grind out was batty notions that even 
 Bertie would have been ashamed to own.
 
 A BOOST FOB THE BENOS 119 
 
 So when it comes time for to win' the Brothers 
 Beno out to Friccasini's I wa'n't feelin' as 
 chesty as usual. They was waitin' on the cor- 
 ner, all right, and a worse mated trio I never 
 saw bunched. The original Beno was as short 
 and thick as Skimp Farrell was tall and slim, 
 and twice as solemn to look at, which was sayin* 
 a good deal. You wouldn't any more expect 
 him to go in for athletic stunts than you'd look 
 for a truck horse to perform well on roller 
 skates. As for the third party, he was a me- 
 dium sized gent by the name of Lavine. He 
 had a pair of bowlegs and a face that was as 
 near a blank as anything human I ever saw. 
 Somehow, the combination was funny just to 
 look at 'em in repose, and I couldn't figure 
 how they had ever managed to miss out. 
 
 Just to keep the table chat goin' while we 
 was samplin' the onion soup, I gets Skimp to 
 tell me about their act. 
 
 * ' Why, ' ' says he, ' ' we open in two flats, pic- 
 nic scene set, and we come creeping in from the 
 wings, firing off gags until we discover the 
 lunch baskets. That's our cue for beginning to 
 juggle the dishes you know, plate twirling, and 
 all that." 
 
 " Eh? " says I, being struck with a sudden 
 thought. " Can you all juggle crockery? ' 
 
 Skimp not only says they can, but proceeds to 
 give a sample by spinnin' his soup plate on his
 
 120 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 forefinger; while Mr. Lavine gathers up a few 
 forks and knives and starts a circle over his 
 head. They almost had the head waiter throw- 
 in' a fit when I gave 'em the stop signal. 
 
 " Enough said," says I. " What else do you 
 hand out? " 
 
 " We give a burlesque trapeze act for a fin- 
 ish," says Skimp. 
 
 11 Not with him! " says I, noddin' at Beno. 
 
 " Feel that," says Beno, holdin' out his right 
 arm. The muscle felt like a brick under his 
 coat sleeve. 
 
 ' * Think you could do them turns at a private 
 dinner party without smashin' any expensive 
 china or spoilin' any gowns? " says I. 
 
 " Would there be a stage? " asks Beno. 
 
 " Stage nothin'! " says I. " You don't get 
 the idea. Now listen," and I proceeds to 
 sketch out the hasty stunt I'd thought of. 
 
 Skimp and Lavine said they was ready for 
 anything; but Beno shakes his head disapprov- 
 in'. He was afraid it wouldn't be quite a dig- 
 nified thing to do, he said, and he'd hate to get 
 mixed up in anything that would lower his pro- 
 fessional standing. 
 
 Could you believe it? And him not able to 
 look his landlady in the face ! Honest, I had to 
 coax him into sayin' he'd come, for the sake of 
 the others; but he wanted it understood that 
 this was an awful blow to his pride. He was a
 
 A BOOST FOE THE BENOS 121 
 
 bird, this owl faced Mr. Beno was ; but I could 
 see it was all genuine. He talked about his 
 Art as serious as if he was a Frohman star, 
 and it was lovely to hear him. 
 
 11 That'll be all right, too," says I, " and 
 think of the high class audience you're goin' to 
 have. That ought to count for something." 
 
 " It does, indeed," says Beno. " Anyway, I 
 will make the sacrifice this once." 
 
 Course, all I'd worked out at the time was a 
 bare outline; but I was still hammerin' at it 
 when I hit the feathers that night, and in the 
 mornin' the whole scheme came out as clear as 
 consomme. 
 
 " Well," says Mr. Eobert, when he comes 
 sailin' in about nine-thirty, " been taxing that 
 mighty intellect of yours, eh? " 
 
 " For a little thing like that? " says L 
 " How foolish! Bring on your Bertie boy." 
 Then I gives him a diagram of my plans. 
 
 " By George! " says he. "I'm inclined to 
 think you've hit on something, after all. It's 
 new, anyway, and it might be a success. ' ' 
 
 Was it ? Say, you should have been with me 
 behind the scenes, peekin' through the glass of 
 one of the pantry doors. We 'd sandwiched the 
 Brothers Beno in between three reg'lar waiters, 
 and drilled 'em so they handled the canape and 
 oyster course without makin' a break. That 
 was to throw the guests off their guard, and
 
 122 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 when the trio cuts loose chuckin' the service 
 plates around reckless, tossin' 'em across the 
 table and so on, there was some squeals of sur- 
 prise from the ladies. They squealed some 
 more when the Benos slid in twirlin' plates of 
 soup, and by the time they opened up jugglin' 
 the glasses and silverware we had 'em goin'. 
 
 ' ' Why, Bertie ! ' : exclaims one lady. 
 ' ' Wherever did you find such clever waiters ? ' ' 
 
 Over the middle of the table was what looked 
 like a big chandelier draped in buntin'; but as 
 soon as coffee had been passed around Bertie 
 pulls a string, disclosin' a triple trapeze, and 
 at the same time the Brothers Beno lets out a 
 whoop in chorus, each vaults over a chair back, 
 and the next minute they're swingin' above the 
 heads of the company, sheddin' their waiters' 
 uniforms until they get down to pink tights and 
 trunks, and then they proceed to do all kinds of 
 dizzy stunts just as if they was behind the foot- 
 lights. 
 
 Course, it wa'n't any center ring act they put 
 over ; but the surprise of seein' 'em change from 
 plain waiters into swingin' bar artists was what 
 got the crowd. They won more encores than 
 they'd had for many a season, I guess, and 
 Bertie boy was patted on the back until his 
 shoulders must have ached. 
 
 Win out? Why, it was a scream! Mr. Rob- 
 ert was on a broad grin, Bertie was so tickled
 
 A BOOST FOE THE BENOS 123 
 
 he stuttered, and the Benos went back to their 
 boardin' house steppin' high and each one 
 clutchin' a twenty-dollar gold piece so hard it's 
 a wonder the eagles on 'em wa'n't black in the 
 face. As for me well, you couldn't exactly 
 say I hated myself. 
 
 I thought I'd done a good turn by all hands 
 too, until I strolls down to the Corrugated next 
 mornin' and finds the trio lined up in the lower 
 hall waitin ' for me. Skimp Farrell tries to open 
 the proceedin's gentle; but the original Beno 
 pushes him back and grabs me by the collar. 
 
 " See here, you young thimblerigger ! " says 
 he. " What d'ye mean by making monkeys of 
 us like this? " 
 
 " Meaning how? " I gasps, gazin' from one to 
 the other. 
 
 1 ' Look at this!" growls Beno, shovin' a 
 mornin' paper under my nose. 
 
 And, sure enough, Bertie boy had gone and 
 got busy with the press agent stuff. There it 
 was, a whole half -column leadin' the society 
 news, tellin' how Mr. Bertie Billings had sprung 
 a most delightful novelty at the younger set's 
 dinner dance by introducin' a number of vaude- 
 ville artists disguised as waiters. The Brothers 
 Beno was mentioned by name, too. 
 
 " Well, ain't it all good advertisin"? " says I. 
 
 " Advertising! " snorts Beno. " Here you 
 wreck my whole professional career, and then
 
 124 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 you ask that ! Young man, I want you to under- 
 stand that I've been on the boards for nearly 
 fifteen years, and that in all that period this is 
 the first blemish on my reputation as an artist. 
 Now I am disgraced. Appeared as a waiter! 
 That ends it all, that does! You you have 
 broken muh heart ! ' ' 
 
 At that he lets go of me, pulls out a handker- 
 chief, and begins sobbin'. Ever seen a fat man 
 blubber? Well, it's an awful sight. I wanted 
 to snicker, and at the same time I felt so mean 
 I'd have been glad to had someone kick me. 
 Skimp don't say much ; but he's caught the panic 
 from Beno. So has Lavine. They all look 
 mighty solemn and accusin'. 
 
 " Gee! I'm sorry," says I, and then I ex- 
 plains how I didn't dream of Bertie's rushin* 
 into print with any account of this fool stunt. 
 Nothin' I can say, though, makes 'em feel any 
 better. They even refuses to touch the fifty I 
 offers to hand over, and fin'lly leaves, as mourn- 
 ful as a funeral procession. 
 
 When I sees the same story worked up elabo- 
 rate in all the evenin' papers, with pictures of 
 Bertie and the Brothers Beno, I feels more 
 guilty than ever. I was expectin' next a bul- 
 letin of how the trio had been found in their 
 room with the gas turned on, or an account of 
 some other sad end that they'd sought to hide 
 their disgrace, and I was wonderin' what kind of
 
 A BOOST FOE THE BENOS 125 
 
 a monument the fifty would buy if I got trade 
 discount on it ; when Skimp Farrell blows in, all 
 arrayed in a new silk lid and a new black frock 
 coat. 
 
 1 1 Ha ! The sole survivor ! ' ' says I. "Go 
 on! Call me assassin! But first tell me how 
 did Beno finish himself off? " 
 
 11 Finish! " says Skimp. " Why, he's out on 
 Broadway in his new checked suit receiving the 
 congratulations of the profession. Haven't you 
 heard? " 
 
 " Not a word," says I. " What's it like? " 
 
 " Well," says Skimp, thro win' out his chest 
 important, " it seems that our merit as high 
 class entertainers has at last been recog- 
 nized. ' ' 
 
 " I want to know ! " says I. 
 
 " We've had the managers after us ever since 
 noon," goes on Skimp. " Got them bidding 
 against each other, and at two P.M. we signed 
 up for two thousand a week, five month' con- 
 tract. Got a real playwright building a sketch 
 for us, society scene, people at dinner, us doing 
 the juggling waiter act, you know. Yes, Sir, fif- 
 teen people in the company, our names in 
 colored lights over the door, and we open and 
 close full stage." 
 
 1 ' Well, well ! ' ' says I. ' ' Fine work ! But by 
 the way, anything from Beno about an apol- 
 ogy? "
 
 126 TKYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 * ' Oh, yes, ' ' says Skimp. ' ' He wanted me to 
 say that he accepts yours." 
 
 " He does which? " I gasps out. 
 
 " To be sure," says Skimp, " he felt rather 
 sore this morning all of us did about the 
 notoriety; but he says we can live it down, and 
 that he bears no ill will." 
 
 11 Thanks, Skimp," says I, grabbin' his mitt 
 and pressin' it grateful. " You tell Beno for 
 me that he 's got a heart like a prize ox and a 
 head like a door-knob." 
 
 What's that sayin' about castin' your bread 
 on the waters and after many days you get back 
 a pretzel ? Oh, well, Bertie thinks I'm a wonder, 
 anyway.
 
 CHAPTER VIE! 
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE TEST 
 
 OH, I don't know! Maybe I ain't listed reg'- 
 lar in the Percy-Claude class; but now and 
 then I get a chance to walk through a sidewalk 
 canopy the long way. Yuh-huh ! Quite so ! 
 
 You see, we've been marryin' Marjorie off. 
 And hist! Whether you'd dream it or not, it 
 ain 't been any little half holiday chore, such as 
 you'd get through between bites of a sandwich. 
 Not at all! Why, before it was all over Old 
 Hickory has a disposition on him like a row of 
 broken bottles, Mr. Robert has developed ridges 
 between his eyebrows, and Piddie is on the 
 verge of nervous prosperity. 
 
 And first off it seemed such a simple, one-two- 
 three proposition ; that is, it did after Marjorie 
 really settled down to Ferdinand. Course, we'd 
 had our troubles before that. Maybe you re- 
 member her Juliet splurge, when she wanted to 
 crowd Marlowe into the back drop; and about 
 that Schutzenbund Count her and Miss Vee dis- 
 covered abroad; and a few other little episodes 
 I may have mentioned. 
 
 Not that I've made out a full list. Honest, 
 
 127
 
 128 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 for a heavyweight Venus, Miss Marjorie in her 
 before-takin' days could work up more miscel- 
 laneous tender sentiment than any of these 
 slim, loppy queens I ever saw. Havin' been 
 left out of a few of the fam'ly conferences, I 
 couldn't just state how many Broadway mati- 
 'nee heroes, and Eussian violinists, and grand 
 opera tenors she's gone mushy on. But that 
 was her specialty. 
 
 So, after the fam'ly got over the first shock 
 of seem' what she'd fin'lly pasted the " Ee- 
 served " label on, they seemed to feel kind of 
 relieved. For Ferdy ain't just what you'd de- 
 scribe as a da shin' hero. While you couldn't 
 exactly place him in the shrimp class, he's some 
 narrow-gauge for his height, wears thick, shell 
 rimmed glasses, lisps a little when he gets ex- 
 cited, and is sort of inoffensive and insignificant 
 to look at specially when he 's eclipsed by Mar- 
 jorie. Say, he'll never be sunstruck so long 
 as he keeps on the shady side of her. 
 
 But, then, they say some of these cross mated 
 pairs often get along best, and from all I hear 
 Ferdy is a nice, quiet, well-parlor-broken young 
 gent, who comes from a good fam'ly and is due 
 to inherit enough American Sugar preferred 
 and U. S. Eubber stocks so it won't be a case 
 of rustlin' to buy all them extra sized things 
 Marjorie '11 need from the department stores. 
 
 No, we didn't any of us really object strong
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 129 V 
 
 to Ferdinand, unless it was Mr. Piddie, and he 
 seemed to take it to heart that she hadn't picked 
 out an Earl or a Crown Prince at least. Honest, 
 to hear him go on to some of the lady typists, 
 you'd thought he was her pet uncle, or some- 
 thing. 
 
 As for Old Hickory and Mr. Eobert, for 
 awhile there they seemed real contented with 
 the prospects. 
 
 " Yes, nothing but a quiet little home wed- 
 ding," I hears Mr. Eobert tellin' one of his 
 chums. " Ferdy's idea, you know; and it suits 
 the governor to a T." 
 
 All of which don't get me int 'rested, one way 
 or another. Course, I'd had a chance to get 
 more or less well acquainted with Marjorie; 
 but it hadn't got to the point where I was wor- 
 ried as to how she got married, or where. Never 
 havin' been in one of these home splicin' bees, 
 maybe my ideas was a little vague on the sub- 
 ject. I had sort of a dim picture of Ferdy wan- 
 derm' in casual with the minister some after- 
 noon about teatime, findin' Marjorie there, and 
 havin' the event run off without any more 
 fuss. 
 
 Not until the private house wire began to 
 warm up did I change my views. Seems there 
 was a few odd details to be attended to, and, as 
 Mr. Kobert happened to be off for a few days 
 on a Western trip, it was Old Hickory that was
 
 130 TRYING OUT TORCH! 
 
 called on to stand by. I was waitin' orders in 
 his office one mornin' when the first cylinder 
 head blew out. It was one of his rush days, 
 when he had three big deals hangin' fire, a pud- 
 dlers' strike on tap out at some of the works, 
 and two fussy Wall Street men waitin' for him 
 in the directors' room, and it wa'n't just what 
 you'd call the psychic moment to ring him up 
 from home. 
 
 "Hey?" he growls into the transmitter. 
 " Have I seen the crater! What crater! Oh, 
 caterer! Well, why the ding guzzled dollops 
 didn't you say so at first! Say, who's this talk- 
 ing, anyway! Oh, Hawkins, is it! Well, see 
 here, Hawkins, haven't you better sense than to 
 bother me with fool questions at this time of 
 the Eh? Well, Mrs. Ellins should know bet- 
 ter, that's all. You tell her I haven't seen any 
 blasted caterer ; but that if it is absolutely neces- 
 sary I suppose I can. What else! Florist? 
 Yes, yes; orange blossoms, and a shower bou- 
 quet for Marjorie, and bouquets for the brides- 
 maids, and Say, what do they think I am, up 
 there, a domestic utility bureau ? No, I tell you ! 
 Haven't time to listen to any more. Not a min- 
 ute! " and with that he bangs up the receiver 
 and whirls around just quick enough to catch 
 me with a grin on my face. 
 
 "Huh!" he snorts. "Joke, is it! Well, 
 since you think so, suppose you get closer to it.
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 131 
 
 You take a pad and pencil, trot up to the house, 
 and get a complete list of all their wants and 
 wishes. Then I'll know what I have before me. 
 I'll give you just an hour to hand in a full 
 report." 
 
 That was only the beginnin' of my chasm' 
 back and forth on this simple home weddin' 
 business; and, say, I hadn't been at it long be- 
 fore I revises my picture. First off, it was 
 harder to catch Mrs. Ellins and Marjorie than 
 as if they'd been railroad presidents. When 
 they wasn't out shoppin', or at the tailor's, or 
 havin' fittin's at Madame Du Monte 's, they was 
 tryin' on hats somewhere, or else upstairs boss- 
 in' three or four dressmakers. Also the front 
 hall and the drawin' rooms was bein' done over; 
 so everything was upset downstairs. Then gen- 
 'rally there was a decorator prowlin' around, 
 sketchin' out plans for floral arches and palm 
 screens; or the caterer plottin' where he could 
 stow his waiters, and figurin' private whether 
 or not he'd have the nerve to charge three 
 plunks a head for servin' a couple of hundred 
 people with a chicken sandwich, a biscuit Tor- 
 toni, and a glass of fizz. Then there was other 
 people to be engaged, the musicians, and the 
 carriage caller, and the extra cloakroom maids, 
 and the outside cops, and the plain clothes men 
 to watch the presents, and Well, say, stagin' 
 a musical comedy or launchin' a battleship can't
 
 132 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 have much on one of these simple home wed- 
 din's, Fifth-ave. style. 
 
 Mr. Robert gets back right in the midst of it, 
 and is rung into engineerin' the bridesmaids' 
 luncheon at Sherry's, and soothin' down 
 Ferdy's nerves between times. He was gettin' 
 the fidgets, Ferdy was, as his time got shorter 
 and he began gettin' glimpses of what he had 
 to go through. The strain was even tellin' on 
 Marjorie, and, while she could afford to lose 
 fifty or sixty pounds, it wa'n't goin' to help the 
 fit of her white satin any. 
 
 But me say, I was standin' it fine. Course, 
 it was some annoyin' to be called away from 
 business so much; but somehow them last few 
 days I didn't mind a bit bein' sent up to the 
 house on fool errands. You see well, maybe 
 I hadn't mentioned who was to be maid of 
 honor. Uh-huh! And of course, when things 
 got real warm, the only sensible thing for Miss 
 Vee to do was to move right down to the scene 
 of action and go into camp. So me and Vee 
 why, we chased around some together after this 
 and that, and exchanged a little josh on the fly. 
 All of which didn't bore me, exactly. 
 
 In fact, I was enjoyin' this weddin' business 
 quite some; that is, I was up to the time when 
 Cousin Teddy appeared. He was Marjorie 's 
 cousin, you know, and the day before the big 
 splash he comes down from Yale on a special
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 133 
 
 leave. How they could spare him from the 
 freshman class I can't imagine. Must have 
 seemed quiet and dull up at New Haven after 
 he left; for Cousin Teddy was some big whizz u 
 He all but admitted it himself, and there was 
 plenty of others who encouraged the idea, 
 Marjorie for one, Vee for another, and even 
 Old Hickory seemed pleased to see him at 
 first. 
 
 It was only on the afternoon of the rehearsal 
 that I discovers him. I'd been sent up by Mr. 
 Eobert to sort of help herd the boy choir into 
 place in one corner of the lib'ry and then stand 
 where I could see the stairs and pass along the 
 signal for them to cut loose singin' the weddin' 
 march. 
 
 " Oh, Teddy's attending to that," says Vee. 
 " See, he has them all arranged." 
 
 That's right. Teddy was on the job. One of 
 these openfaced youths with a bristly pompa- 
 dour, protrudin' front teeth, and bulgy eyes, 
 Theodore was; but he didn't allow any little 
 blemishes like that to keep him in the background. 
 Teddy had pushin' ways and a voice like a 
 train announcer. Also you could tell at a glance 
 that he was the sort of college cutup that col- 
 lects barbers' poles and Chinese laundry signs, 
 and paints his class number on statues and pub- 
 lic buildin's. 
 
 " Now you kiddos," he was shoutin' to the
 
 134 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 choir boys, " get a little more teamwork into 
 this mass play! You tumbled in here last time 
 like a bunch of fans boarding a trolley car. 
 Try it again and see if you can keep from step- 
 ping on your own feet. Oh, rotten ! Once more, 
 my young sports. Steady on the left wing, 
 steady! There, that's some better. I'll have 
 you fit for a George Cohan company before 
 we're through. Eh, what I " 
 
 " Isn't he killing? " observes Vee. 
 
 " Almost that," says I. 
 
 " Pooh! " says Vee. " You should have been 
 here at luncheon. He just kept us in roars. 
 What do you think he did? Pinned a napkin to 
 the tail of the butler's coat ! He's just loads of 
 fun, Teddy is." 
 
 About then he spots me and comes over. 
 11 Oh, I say, Vee," says he, " who's your young 
 friend with the low comedy hair? Isn't a stray 
 from my chorus, is he? " 
 
 " This is Torchy," says she. " He's from 
 Mr. Ellins's office, you know." 
 
 " Ah I One of the Corrugated slaves, eh? " 
 says Teddy, lookin' me over careless. It was 
 the sniff at the end that made me grind my 
 teeth; for by the way young Mr. Theodore 
 swings on his heel and strolls off it's clear he 
 ain't dyin' to get acquainted with any of Uncle's 
 office staff. 
 
 " What cute manners! " says I to Vee.
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 135 
 
 " Oh, you mustn't mind Teddy," says she. 
 " One never knows what he's going to do next. 
 But he certainly has livened things up since he 
 came. ' ' 
 
 And, at that, it seems, he hadn't more'n be- 
 gun to shake out his whole bag of tricks. Not 
 bein' on the spot, I missed a few of his cunnin 7 
 performances durin' the rest of the afternoon 
 and evenin'; but when I shows up at the house 
 next day, half an hour or so before the grand 
 affair, I soon knew he'd been busy. Only a 
 few of the early comers were driftin' in; so I 
 wanders back into the lib'ry, where I finds Mr.- 
 Robert and Old Hickory growlin' and lookin' 
 sour. 
 
 " Dash it all!" Mr. Ellins was sayin'. 
 " Can't anyone squelch that young whelp? " 
 
 " Perhaps, if we really knew what he was up 
 to," says Mr. Robert. " But Marjorie may 
 have only imagined it, and Ferdy is so rattled 
 he hardly knows what he's saying, you know. 
 Ah, here's Torchy! Well, Son, you're in de- 
 mand. A certain young lady has been anxiously 
 asking for you." 
 
 " Gee! " says I, grinnin*. " That's always 
 the way." 
 
 A minute more and Vee leans over the bams^ 
 ter and gives me the hurry-up signal; so I fol- 
 lows upstairs to the little alcove on the top 
 landin'. Gosh! but in that pink dress and the
 
 136 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 lace cap she was lookin' some stunnin', too! 
 Them big eyes of hers, though, was serious. 
 
 " What's wrong? " says I. " Ferdy ain't 
 swallowed the ring, has he? " 
 
 11 It's Theodore," says she. 
 
 * Don't tell me he's run out of comic 
 stunts ! ' ' says I. 
 
 " If only he had! " says she. " But there's 
 such a thing as knowing when to stop. Appar- 
 ently Theodore doesn't." 
 
 11 Not truly? " says I. " What's his latest? " 
 
 " That's the trouble," says Vee. " We don't 
 know what it is. He has four or five other fel- 
 lows with him, and they're up to something hor- 
 rid. They've stolen Ferdy 's suitcase, for one 
 thing; and we suspect they've been putting 
 something in the punch; and now they're hid- 
 ing, planning goodness knows what." 
 
 " Yes, you said he was loads of fun," 
 says I. 
 
 " But he's carrying this altogether too far," 
 says Vee, her eyes flashin' sparks. " Ferdi- 
 nand is in no state to stand stupid practical 
 jokes; and as for Marjorie, she declares she 
 will never have the courage to go downstairs, 
 never. She says she knows Teddy is going to 
 spring something awful. And she wants to 
 know, Torchy, if you can't find out what it is 
 and stop him." 
 
 " Me? " says I. " Flag Cousin Teddy, the
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 
 
 pet of the fam'ly, in his innocent little pranks? 
 Why, I ain't got any license to " 
 
 " Yes, you have," insists Vee. " Mrs. Ellins 
 is disgusted with him, and Mr. Ellins is swear- 
 ing mad ; but no one seems to know what to do. 
 Oh, can't you help some way? " 
 
 " I can make a stab at it, Vee," says I; " but 
 it's kind of short notice to get in much action. 
 Now, if I could have the run of the house 
 for" 
 
 " Go anywhere, do anything you like," says 
 she. " Mrs. Ellins says so." 
 
 " Then I'm on the trail," says I. 
 
 Well, I was willin' enough, so far as that 
 went; but I hadn't any more idea of how to 
 tackle the proposition than a pup would of 
 climbin' a ladder. I knew Teddy and his crowd 
 wouldn't be hidin' downstairs, though, and once 
 I'd seen the billard room on the top floor; so 
 up I goes on a chance. Wonderful dome work I 
 I finds the door closed, with a sentry on the out- 
 side, and from the sounds that floats out I takes 
 it that Teddy is puttin' his kids through some 
 more practice drill. 
 
 " Most ready for the grand entrance? " says 
 I to the sentry, a long legged, pimply faced 
 youth in his first frock coat. 
 
 " Shouldn't wonder," says he, lookin' me 
 over suspicious. " Are you " 
 
 " Just strolled up to see how Teddy was com-
 
 138 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 in' on," says I. " Goin' to spring that new 
 dope, is he! " 
 
 And Longlegs, lie fell for it first rattle out 
 of the box. ' * Listen ! ' ' says he, grinnin ' wide. 
 
 Well, I stepped up and stretched my ear. 
 You know how that Meddlesome Weddin' March 
 goes Tump-tump-te-dee ? The boy choir was 
 singin' the tune all right; but the words was 
 new to me. I didn't get 'em all; but the be- 
 ginnin' was like this: 
 
 Here comes the bride, 
 Get onto her stride, 
 See how she wabbles 
 From side to side. 
 
 " How about it? " says the sentry. " Won't 
 that score with the audience? Cost us a half 
 for each kid; but it's going to be a hummer, 
 eh? " 
 
 " Great! " says I. " Teddy's a wonder! " 
 
 " Wait until you see the groom's suitcase," 
 says he. " We've painted red hearts all over 
 it, and stuffed it full of old clothes. Hid his 
 silk pajamas and all that truck under that big 
 seat in the lower hall, you know. Well, say," 
 and he winks facetious, " but won't Ferdy be 
 wild when he gets to his hotel and opens up 
 that collection? " 
 
 " Haw, haw! " says I, givin' a good imitation 
 of uncontrolled mirth and slappin' Percy the
 
 Sieve on the shoulder. " But how about the 
 trunk? " 
 
 ' * You ought to see it ! " says he. ' ' Bound up 
 with yards and yards of white ribbon, and 
 ' Lovey Dovey's Duds ' painted in big letters 
 on each end. We pinched that early this morn- 
 ing and hid it in the areaway. Got a barrel of 
 confetti balls, a bushel of rice, and about forty 
 old shoes stowed away there, too. You know 
 Teddy's scheme is to have us all line up in a 
 double row and just pelt the bridal couple good 
 and proper as they scoot for the carriage." 
 
 " With shoes and all? " says I. 
 
 " Sure thing! " says he. " Soak 'em, that's 
 the stuff. Make 'em run the gantlet. Trust 
 Teddy! He's been to dozens of weddings, and 
 he knows how to work it." 
 
 " He must be mighty popular," says I. 
 " How about the bride's suitcase, though? " 
 
 " Can't get it," says the sentry. " And we 
 wanted to do a few things to that, too." 
 
 " Say," says I, gettin* a sudden thought, 
 " maybe I can cop it for you." 
 
 "Could you?" says he. "Wow! That 
 would be rich. It's the only thing Teddy's 
 missed out on, and he " 
 
 ' ' Here ! " I breaks in. ' ' Soon as you fellows 
 are through up here, meet me at the foot of the 
 back stairs, first floor. I'll get it or bust some- 
 thing."
 
 140 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Fine business! " says lie. " They're most 
 done now.*' 
 
 " Then I've got to work quick," says L 
 " Call it ten minutes foot of back stairs, re- 
 member! " and with that I rushes off. 
 
 And I sure did hustle some. First I puts 
 Mr. Robert onto the job of rescuin' Ferdy's 
 honeymoon outfit and packin' it into a kitbag. 
 Then I tips off Old Hickory about the new ver- 
 sion of the Weddin' March that was to be sung, 
 and advises him what to do. 
 
 " Will I? " says he. " I'll scare the young 
 scoundrels stiff! " 
 
 I guess he did, too; but I couldn't stop to 
 listen. I had to have another word with Vee, 
 and in two minutes more she's hustled out an- 
 other suitcase of Marjorie's and I'm gallopin' 
 down into the basement with it. Three minutes 
 of explorin' was all I had; but it was enough, 
 and by the time I'm back to where I was to meet 
 the cutup bunch I had the campaign all laid out. 
 
 " Got it, have you? " sings out Teddy. 
 
 " That's what," says I. 
 
 " Good work! " says he. " Where? " 
 
 " Down here," says I. li I'll show you." 
 
 " Come on, Fellows ! " orders Teddy. " Hey, 
 Flicky, bring the red paint. Quick, now! ' : 
 
 And they follows like I had 'em on a rope; 
 down through the laundry and out front, where 
 I grabs a heavy door and swings it open.
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 141 
 
 " You'll find it right in there on the coal," 
 says I. * ' And have a good time with it, Boys ! " 
 with which I gives the last one a shove, bangs 
 the door shut after him, and shoots home the 
 bolt. 
 
 It might have been pleasant to have stopped 
 a minute and exchanged a little repartee with 
 Teddy and his chums through the planks; but 
 I didn't have time just then. I had to beat it 
 back up to the second floor and send soothin' 
 messages to Marjorie and Ferdinand. 
 
 " Clear track! " I announces to Vee. " You 
 tell 'em they can blaze away now, without bein' 
 afraid of any comic horseplay durin' the cere- 
 mony, or of bein' mobbed afterwards." 
 
 " You dear! " says Vee. " But Teddy? " 
 
 11 Corked up tighter 'n a bottle of olives," 
 says I. " You'd best get 'em under way, 
 though, while the goin's good." 
 
 And, say, I expect for the kind, it was a per- 
 fectly good home weddin'. Never saw Marjorie 
 look more like a captive balloon, though, than 
 she did in that stiff white bridal gown and veil. 
 You'd thought, too, when Old Hickory comes 
 paddin' in with her on his arm, that he'd just 
 been sentenced for life. Some of the brides- 
 maids was queens, all right ; but they all looked 
 white and scared as they parades down tryin' to 
 keep step to the march that was bein' piped out 
 weak and faint by that gang of kids.
 
 142 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 Honest, the only real live wire in the proces- 
 sion was Vee, and she even has the cheek to pass 
 me the wink as she catches my eye. Bein' on 
 the outside edge of the crowd, I could only get 
 a glimpse of the group under the daisy bell, and 
 hear the minister mumblin' over the service. 
 All I got clear was when Ferdy is asked if he'H 
 take Marjorie, to have and to hold, and that 
 near finishes me. If he ever tries to hold her, all 
 that'll be left of him '11 be a smear on the up- 
 holstry. 
 
 But it didn't take long to tie the knot, once 
 they got started, and the next thing I knew it 
 was all over, and the bridesmaids were scram- 
 blin' for the bouquet, and Marjorie was bein' 
 hustled upstairs to get into her travelin' clothes. 
 Then came the waiters elbowin' in between the 
 guests with the fancy food, and there's a jam 
 forms in the dinin' room where the champagne 
 was bein' passed out. Ain't they lovely af- 
 fairs, these weddin's? 
 
 I was crowded into a corner with both hands 
 full of stuff I'd smitched as the trays went 
 past, and I was tryin' to put it away polite with 
 my arms pinned fast on both sides and a lady's 
 hat trimmin' ticklin' my right ear, when all of 
 a sudden there's a shout of, " Here they 
 come ! ' ' and down the front stairs appears Mr. 
 and Mrs. Ferdy. 
 
 Well, it was bad enough, just all them people
 
 HELPING OUT AT A SPLICE FEST 143 
 
 starin' and shoutin' things at 'em, without the 
 joyous little roughhouse frills Teddy and his 
 bunch had planned. But I couldn't be heartless 
 enough to have 'em miss the fun altogether. 
 I dashes down and out into the area, where I'd 
 noticed a manhole cover that I guessed must 
 open into the coalbins. Sure enough, it did, 
 and as I lifts it off I could see all the young 
 sports gatherin' expectant underneath. 
 
 " Hey, Fellers," I calls, " here goes the 
 bridal couple and you're forgettin' the rice. 
 How thoughtless! Here it is! " and I tips the 
 whole basketful down on 'em. ' ' Shoes next ! ' ' 
 I goes on, firin' down odd ones as hard as I 
 could slam 'em. " Hi, hi ! Let's enjoy ourselves. 
 ,Who cares who gets hit at a weddin'? And if 
 you can't soak the bride and groom the way they 
 deserve why, you can soak each other. Go to 
 it!" 
 
 Yes, I expect Teddy and his chums were some 
 peeved, and I hear they raised an awful howl 
 about it to Mr. Ellins. But accordin' to Vee a]! 
 he did was grin and advise 'em to wash up. 
 
 " And Marjorie," Vee goes on, " was so 
 grateful she said she wished she could hug you. 
 She wanted me to " 
 
 ' ' Then go on, ' ' says I. .' ' Deliver the goods. ' ' 
 
 " Silly! " says Vee, pinkin' up. "101 do 
 nothing of the sort." 
 
 And next mornin' Piddie, who'd been left
 
 144 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 holdin' down the lid at the shop, wants to know 
 all about it. "I suppose for a home wedding," 
 says he, " it was rather a grand affair? ' 
 
 " Oh, sure! " says I. " When it wa'n't as 
 solemn as an inquest, it was as cheerful and 
 lively as a Sheriff's auction sale with free lunch 
 on the side. But none in mine, Piddie! Elopin' 
 looks good to me."
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 
 
 You know that when it comes to gettin* in 
 bad with the people higher up, I ain't any im- 
 mune. Why, before I struck the Corrugated, 
 it was a case of havin' the ozone pass issued 
 to me about once in so often, or I'd begin to 
 feel the moss growin' on my back. 
 
 Maybe you wouldn't guess it, but gen 'rally 
 the charges related how I'd been fresh with 
 somebody or other. Uh-huh. Folks get queer 
 notions, don't they? My rule, though, when the 
 big wheeze got that freak idea froze in his nut, 
 was not to make any alibi play, but just look 
 haughty and resign. I'll admit there's been 
 times when it was done on the jump; but I al- 
 ways managed to file it some way or other, even 
 if I had to send a postcard after I'd dodged 
 the boot. 
 
 More'n that, too, I never went into mournin' 
 over a lost job, or missed out on any slumber 
 wonderin' if it could have been my fault, after 
 all. But, say, it's a long street that don't end 
 in the plowed field somewhere. And I know 
 now what it is to have Mr. R. E. Morse walk in 
 
 145
 
 146 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 and hang up his hat. Yep! 'I've had 'em all 
 lookin' slant eyed at me, from Piddie up to Old 
 Hickory Ellins; and I've been takin' it with my 
 chin down, feelin' about as chesty as a push- 
 cart peddler bein' chased off the corner by a cop. 
 
 You see, it wa'n't just one item: it was the 
 way things pyramided. For instance, gettin' 
 Piddie wrathy over a little jo shin' about his 
 new fad of wearin' a handkerchief up his cuff 
 why, that's my reg'lar way of beginnin' the 
 day. How should I guess it was goin ' to give all 
 the typists the giggles? But Piddie seemed to 
 take it harder 'n usual, and the way he glares 
 at me was almost an assault and battery. 
 
 Then on top of that comes this report from 
 some fussy Gladys-Maud over at Madison 
 Square Exchange, sayin' how a certain party 
 in our office had been impudent over the wire; 
 and of course Piddie ain't losin' a trick. He 
 trots it right in to the main stem and whirls the 
 arrow around until it points to me. 
 
 " Well? " grunts Old Hickory when I an- 
 swers the buzzer. " Couldn't have been you, 
 I presume? ' 
 
 " Ah, maybe I did shove over a little hot air 
 when she was slow gettin' a number," says I; 
 " but it wa'n't any " 
 
 " Precisely what did you say to the opera- 
 tor? " demands Mr. Ellins. 
 
 "Why," says I, " I only suggests that if
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 147 
 
 she's through pattin' her ear buns into place 
 she might stick her gum back on the switch- 
 board and get busy with double five three hun- 
 dred Beekman, that's all." 
 
 " Really? " says Old Hickory, smilin' as 
 humorous as a crack in a brick wall. " Quite 
 civil for you. Well, I'll write an apology to 
 the manager, and we will trust that next time 
 it won't come to a question of which we can best 
 do without, our telephone service, or yours. 
 That will do." 
 
 An hour later, though, I was as chirky as 
 ever, havin' shunted a charity collector, three 
 book agents, and a nutty inventor with a scheme 
 for makin' hollow steel rails that could be used 
 for pipin' natural gas from the oil fields to 
 Broadway. I'd shunted 'em good and hard too, 
 and was workin' up somethin' new to spring on 
 Piddie, when all of a sudden I gets wise to the 
 fact that someone on the cold side of the brass 
 rail is coughin' sort of apologizing and I throws 
 a casual glance over my shoulder to see who's 
 the next victim. 
 
 And what do you guess? A slit-eye one of 
 these real Jappy little Japs ; all got up in a one- 
 button, braid bound, 1912 model cutaway and a 
 boy sized silk lid, lookin' as bright and shiny 
 as a new kitchen range, and wearin' one of 
 them creepy, Billiken brand smiles on his ugly 
 little mug.
 
 148 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " If you please," he begins, " I should " 
 
 But I wa'n't fallin' for flossy garments that 
 day. " Back to the bamboos! " says I. " We 
 aint buyin' any job lot curios, nor givin' out 
 orders for cherry blossom decorations, nor any- 
 thing like that. " 
 
 " Ah, thank you," says he, still keepin' the 
 smile on duty, " but I should like to " 
 
 11 Oh, sure you would! " says I. " But we 
 ain't strong for Jap valets, or schoolboy cooks; 
 so why take up my valuable time? Forget Port 
 Arthur for a minute and sound the retreat be- 
 fore I let you through the trap door." 
 
 Does that jar him? Never a jar! He don't 
 even blink. He just keeps on grinnin' amiable 
 and fishes out a card. " Please to hand to Mr. 
 Robert Ellins," says he, passin' it over. 
 
 " What's this? " says I, studyin' it out. 
 " Nikki Taga Tagasaki? Say, that sounds 
 like a solo on a snare drum. And you want to 
 see Mr. Robert, do you? ' 
 
 He bows polite and continues the ivory dis- 
 play. 
 
 11 Now, ain't that distressing ' says I. 
 " You hadn't heard, then, how Mr. Robert's 
 just started for Panama to get the contract 
 for fittin' up the canal with Yale locks? ' 
 
 " I was informed below," says the Jap, 
 " that Mr. Robert was in his office." 
 
 " Well, well! " says I. " How them fresh
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 149 
 
 elevator starters do run on! But suppose he 
 is, Nikkif About how many chances in a hun- 
 dred do you expect you stand of bein' let in? 
 Say, do you stick out for having this pre- 
 sented? " 
 
 He does; also he still seems good natured 
 about it. 
 
 ' ' All right, ' ' says I. ' ' You camp down there 
 on the leather bench, and as soon as he gets 
 through with Mr. Morgan and Willie Taft and 
 the German Ambassador I'll slip it on his desk. 
 Be ready for a quick getaway, though, in case 
 the sight of you should get on his nerves. He 
 ain't any Peace Congress, you know; specially 
 on his busy days." 
 
 I must say, though, that they stand the gaff 
 well, them banzai gents. Nikki bows as hum- 
 ble and grateful as if I'd handed him the keys 
 to the safety deposit vaults, plants himself on 
 the settee with his silk helmet balanced careful 
 on his knees, and begins his wait patient and 
 cheerful, his little black eyes dartin' here and 
 there over the front office. 
 
 Course, if he was willin' to do the patient 
 ; sitter stunt, I was willin' to let him. He'd been 
 there more'n half an hour, maybe, when Mr. 
 Robert strolls out of his private office lookin' 
 for Piddie or someone. At that I steps over 
 and gives him the tip. 
 
 " Look what's got the nerve to call for a
 
 150 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 personal interview with you," says I. " Shall 
 I give it the run? ' 
 
 " Eh? " says Mr. Robert, gazin' out over the 
 brass rail. He looks puzzled for a minute, and 
 then hanged if he don't pike towards the gate 
 holdin' out the friendly mitt. " By Jove, 
 though!" he sings out. "If it isn't Nikki- 
 Tikki! Well, well! How does the last of the 
 Samurai flourish these days, eh? Welcome 
 back, Nikki! Come on in for a moment, and 
 presently we '11 go to the club for luncheon. ' ' 
 
 With that he tows him inside, pattin' him on 
 the back and otherwise actin' like he'd found 
 a long lost brother. And me, I slides into the 
 background with my eyes bugged and my lower 
 jaw loose. So I'd up and made another mis- 
 cue ! Well, Nikki was such a meek little shrimp, 
 maybe he'd forget to mention just how gay he'd 
 been received, or how long he'd been on the 
 siding. 
 
 But, say, what I don't know about Japs would 
 start a circulatin' lib'ry; for when Mr. Robert 
 drifts back from lunch, along about two-thirty, 
 he's been well posted. Not that he indulges in 
 any grouch oration. No, he just remarks sar- 
 castic that he hears I'm more or less efficient 
 as an outer guard. 
 
 " At least," he goes on, " my friend Nikki 
 seems to have that impression." 
 
 " Squealed, did he? " says I. " But, say, Mr.
 
 GETTING FROM UNDEE 151 
 
 Robert, how was I to know you had any Togos 
 on your confidential list? " 
 
 " Quite true," says he. " It happens, how- 
 ever, that Mr. Tagasaki was a college classmate 
 of mine, and it turns out that he's the son of a 
 Baron or something. Quite a personage, you 
 see. So in future perhaps it would be just as 
 well not to advise him to go back to the bam- 
 boos when he calls for me. Do you er get 
 me? " 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I, swallowin' hard and 
 wonderin' if my ears looked as hot as they 
 felt. 
 
 ' * And by way of reparation, ' ' says Mr. Rob- 
 ert, " I should suggest that to-morrow, when 
 Mr. Tagasaki drops in, you might acknowledge 
 your er mistake, and assure him that he has 
 the entire freedom of the offices. ' ' 
 
 " If you say so," says I, " I'll take the gate 
 off the hinges." 
 
 Anyway, if queerin' myself all round was 
 what I'd tried for, I'd made a good start. And 
 somehow it struck me I'd sort of overdone it 
 in spots. Not that I was so deep in love with 
 my job I wanted to marry it, or have it chained 
 to me for life; but I didn't want to chuck it 
 away foolish, either. 
 
 So I hands Tagasaki the best apology I've got 
 in stock, holds the gate wide open for him, and 
 invites him to make himself at home anywhere
 
 152 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 in the shop. It came as hard as anything I 
 ever did, too, even though Nikki don't try to 
 rub it in. He says it's perfectly all right be- 
 tween us, and that he didn't mind my playful 
 little ways one bit; and all the while he wears 
 that unconvincin' Jap smile which reminds me 
 of the friendly expression a fox terrier shoots at 
 a cat he's got in a corner. 
 
 Nikki ain't bashful about acceptin' the free- 
 dom of the gen'ral offices, either. From that 
 on he comes and goes as easy as if he'd been a 
 fire inspector, or one of the board of directors ; 
 strollin' into Mr. Robert's room any time of 
 day, struttin' round watchin' the typists work, 
 and lettin' Piddie show him all the sights, from 
 the card index cases to the big safes. Piddie, 
 he 'd heard this Baron rumor about Nikki, and 
 he almost breaks his neck doin' the flunky act 
 for him. 
 
 Meantime the general frostiness towards me 
 don't melt any. Instead of that the cold wave 
 seemed to set in harder. Mr. Robert don 't stop 
 at my desk any more to work off one of his 
 gags, Old Hickory gives me the cold eye as he 
 pads by, and by the looks I get from Piddie 
 you'd thought I was inhabitin' one of the con- 
 demned cells up at Sing Sing. Honest, things 
 was gettin' so chilly around there I almost felt 
 like I needed mittens and earmuffs durin' office 
 hours.
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 153 
 
 And then, for a final touch of gloom, this 
 Googan party shows up. 
 
 Piddle, strange to relate, takes pains to tell 
 me who and what he is. " Mr. Googan," says 
 he, " is a bond expert from our Philadelphia 
 branch. He is preparing a- special statement 
 for the annual meeting. You will see that he is 
 supplied with anything he wishes, and you will 
 answer any questions he may ask you." 
 
 " Suppose he calls for a plate of hot fudge, 
 and wants to know why a duck can't play the 
 flute? " says I. 
 
 " That is quite enough, young man! " says 
 Piddie, swingin' on his heel. " You have your 
 orders." 
 
 "Oh, slap!" says I. "Take that, and 
 that!" 
 
 Followin' which, I looks Mr. Googan over 
 curious. Bond expert, was he? Huh! He 
 looked more like a race track booky on his Sun- 
 day off. He wears a soft brown lid so fuzzy 
 it would purr if you stroked it, and one of these 
 horse blanket checked suits that looked like it 
 had been marked out for a tennis court. His 
 outdoors complexion don't fit the description of 
 his job, either; but maybe they're so crowded 
 for deskroom in Quayville that they use the 
 open lots. 
 
 Anyway, I carted ink and pens and paste over 
 to him, and had some bond cases brought in,
 
 154 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 and made him real comfy. They set his desk 
 plunk in the middle of the front office, which 
 struck me funny at the start. Next I noticed that 
 every time I glanced his way, instead of havin' 
 his shoulders humped over the blotter and his 
 nose in the cases, he was squintin' sleuthy 
 around the shop, gen 'rally in my direction. 
 And with that I rigs up a little pocket mirror so 
 I could keep tabs on him without him gettin' 
 wise. 
 
 Must have been a couple of hours, too, before 
 I had sense enough to look at his hoofs. But 
 there they were, reg'lar, wide toed, rubber 
 heeled pavement pounders, such as every cop, 
 or anybody that's ever been on the force, al- 
 ways wears. And the minute I spots 'em I has 
 Googan mapped. Bond expert nothin'! He was 
 either sent up from Headquarters, or from 
 some private detective agency, on a special 
 detail. 
 
 But what sort of a detail? And why was I 
 gettin' the benefit? I hadn't asked myself 
 more'n half a dozen questions like that before I 
 needed a chunk of ice down the back of my neck. 
 But, knowin' that state of mind wa'n't worth 
 encouragin', I simmered down and pretty soon 
 I sidles over his way. 
 
 " How are you comin' on, Mr. Googan? " 
 says I, as smooth as putty. 
 
 " Oh, fine! " says Googan, spreadin' out one
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 155 
 
 of our fancy engraved Development Sixes and 
 puttin' down some figures on a pad. 
 
 11 You'll find the serial numbers on the back, 
 you know," I suggests, soft and easy. 
 
 " Eh! " says he, flushin' up. " Oh, of 
 course. ' ' With that he flops the bond over and 
 begins huntin' through the machine scrollwork 
 for figures. 
 
 "Ah, ha! " says I. "I thought so! Say, 
 Googan, your disguise as a bond expert ought to 
 be put in some melodrama. It's a scream." 
 
 And Googan turns purple in the gills. 
 " Think so, do you? " he explodes. " Well, it 
 may not turn out so funny for you later on, my 
 son. I've had my eyes on you." 
 
 " Gwan, you fathead! " says I. " Any sec- 
 ond class sneak could steal the socks off your 
 feet. What you sleuthin' me for, anyway? " 
 
 " You'll find that out in due time, my fresh 
 lad," says Googan, glarin' goggle eyed. 
 
 ' ' I can do better 'n that, ' ' says I, and marches 
 straight into Mr. Robert's room and up to the 
 desk where he was sittin'. 
 
 " Excuse me for advancin' the schedule of 
 events," says I, " but why the Hawkshaw? " 
 
 "Eh? What's that? " says Mr. Robert. 
 
 1 1 The solid ivory out there with the tin badge 
 on his suspender? " says I. 
 
 "I'm afraid," says Mr. Robert, " that I 
 don't quite follow you yet."
 
 156 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Ah, Googan," says I, " the one that's pos* 
 in' as an expert and don't know a non-interest 
 seven from a magazine subscription coupon. 
 One of them ex-flat foots, that's what he is, and 
 he's here tryin' to work up a case. Do I ring 
 Oie bell? " 
 
 And it's one of the few times I ever saw Mr. 
 Robert look at all foolish. " Hang it! " he 
 breaks out, " I 'phoned the agency manager he 
 must send me one of his cleverest men, and here 
 you've found him out the first forenoon." 
 
 " Why not? " says I. "I can still see a little 
 out of one eye. And with sleuthin' goin' on so 
 close, I got int 'rested." 
 
 " Of course," says Mr. Robert. " I suppose 
 I might as well tell you now that there exists 
 a leakage somewhere about the office, a leakage 
 that must be stopped." 
 
 " Not cash? " says I. 
 
 " No, business secrets, contents of confiden- 
 tial letters, and so on," says he. " Our es- 
 teemed British rivals, the Birmingham people, 
 seem to have been profiting, too. Hence, Mr. 
 Googan." 
 
 " But he keeps his slimy eyes glued to me," 
 says I, gettin' pink in the ears again. " And, 
 say, Mr. Robert, it may be a delicate way of 
 payin' a compliment, but I 
 
 " Yes, yes, I know," says he. " That is Mr. 
 Piddie's notion."
 
 GETTING FEOM UNDER 157 
 
 " Ah, Piddle ! " says I. " Why, if a manhole 
 should blow up in the street, he'd try to blame 
 me for it. Piddie! Say, he's got boll weevils 
 in his intellect and mush on the brain. He'd 
 suspect me of anything, Piddie would." 
 
 " And still," comes back Mr. Robert, squint- 
 in' hard at me with them gray-blue eyes of his, 
 " is it not true, as Mr. Piddie suggests, that 
 you have charge of the letterpress, and have 
 better opportunities for seeing all the corre- 
 spondence than almost anyone else? ' 
 
 That was a staggerer, that was. Up to then. 
 I hadn't dreamed Mr. Robert would fall for 
 any dope like that about me. Course, I could 
 see where it might look bad, if you had a mind 
 to squint at it suspicious that way ; and I expect 
 there's nothin' would make him sore so quick as 
 to think someone inside had been sellin' him 
 out. But for him to let 'em put the tag on me 
 at the first hint well, I got choky tongued over 
 it, that's all. I just stood there swallowin* 
 lumps and starin' at him cross eyed. 
 
 " To be sure," he goes on, " I hope person- 
 ally that Mr. Piddie is wrong. If he is right, 
 however, and you have anything to say to me 
 before this goes any further, I shall be very 
 glad to" 
 
 " No, you wouldn't," I breaks in. " If I've 
 been peddlin' the firm's letters and you can nail 
 me at it, all you got a right to do is kick me
 
 158 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 out. But don't look for any weepy confessions 
 out of me. I'm either crooked or straight, and 
 you and Googan have started in to find out 
 which. That bein' the case, all I got to say is, 
 blaze ahead. Maybe I won't enjoy the process; 
 but I '11 tell you one thing : you can count on me 
 to stick around until it's all over." 
 
 We was lookin' each other square in the eye, 
 and when I winds up Mr. Robert shoves out his 
 hand. ' ' Thank you, Torchy, ' ' says he. * ' You 
 shall have every chance I can give you. ' ' 
 
 That helped some; but it didn't clear up any- 
 thing, and as I goes back on the gate I finds 
 Piddie and Googan in close confab. Maybe I 
 put in a comf 'table afternoon, too. Yes, I did 
 like a smoosh! First I'd have a spell when all 
 the hot claret I had went gallopin' up into my 
 neck and face, and then I'd get chills down the 
 back. Gettin' wrathy always affects me like 
 that. But I kept the lid on, and after awhile 
 I quit plannin' diff'rent ways of spoilin' Pid- 
 die 's frontispiece, and begun usin' my bean on 
 the proposition. 
 
 Even if I did know I hadn't been playin' the 
 sneak sieve act, the fact remained that some- 
 one had, and until the guilty party was smoked 
 out I was as good as it. There wa'n't any sense 
 in thro win' it back at Piddie, either. He 
 wouldn't have the sand, in the first place. Then 
 there was the flossy new lady typist, that
 
 GETTING FROM UNDEE 159 
 
 splurged on baby Irish collars and big bunches 
 of violets. Most likely that trail would lead to 
 some old squash head that took her out for 
 table d'hote luncheons. 
 
 I was still goin' over the list, tryin' to dig 
 up a few suspects, when out through the gate 
 struts Mr. Tagasaki, smokin' his cigarette and 
 swingin' his cane jaunty, and it just strikes me 
 that Mr. Robert's been gone quite some time. 
 
 It lacked more'n half an hour of closin' time; 
 but I grabs my hat, slides out easy behind him, 
 watches him take a local elevator down, catches 
 the next express car myself, and I'm just in 
 time to swing in behind him as he steps lively 
 out through the arcade into Broadway. 
 
 How did I know? I didn't. I just felt it in 
 the top of my nut. Besides, I was ready to take 
 any kind of a chance. 
 
 Did it lead anywhere ? Say, the time between 
 breakfast next mornin' and the minute when 
 Mr. Robert showed up at the office, with me 
 waitin' to spring it on him, seemed about a 
 month long. Piddie had somethin' to unload 
 too; but I beat him to it. 
 
 II Well, Torchy? " says Mr. Robert, when I 
 chases him in and shuts the door careful. 
 "What now? " 
 
 " Only this," says I, flashin' the crumpled 
 sheet of Corrugated letterhead that I'd had 
 under my pillow all night. And I could tell by 

 
 160 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 the way his brow furrowed up as he ran over 
 the notes on it that he was some joggled. 
 
 " Boy," says he, " where did you find 
 this? " 
 
 " It wa'n't a find," says I: "it was a case 
 of pinchin' it. Mr. Tagasaki had it tight in 
 his fist." 
 
 "Nikki!" says Mr. Robert, suckin' in his 
 breath. " That's so, by Jove! It's his writ- 
 ing! " 
 
 " I had a hunch it might be," says I, " when 
 I see him pikin' into the Metropolitan Buildin' 
 and takin' it out of his inside pocket so cautious. 
 He was too busy goin' over it to notice me in 
 the same elevator; but I couldn't get near 
 enough to peek over his shoulder, so when he 
 gets out and stops in front of the Birmingham- 
 Wales Consolidated " 
 
 " Went directly there, did he? " says Mr. 
 Robert through his teeth. 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. " And was pushin' right 
 in when I well, I must have slipped or some- 
 thin', for I bumped him kind of hard, and 
 swiped this at the same time. After that it was 
 a case of who could sprint down fourteen flights 
 of marble steps faster. He ain't so slow on his 
 feet, either; but I guess he was too anxious, or 
 else the cane tripped him. Anyway, the last 
 I saw he was caromin' against a scrub lady 
 about the sixth floor. But, say, Mr. Robert, you
 
 A CASE OF WHICH COULD SPRINT FASTER. Page 160.
 
 GETTING FROM UNDER 161 
 
 don't need any plumber to plug that leak now, 
 do you! " 
 
 Ah, what's the use? It was a smear for the 
 Jap. All that Baron business was a fake, too. 
 
 Me? Say, shade your eyes now! Yep! 
 That's what Mr. Robert laid on my desk this 
 noon. Thin one, ain't it? Them's the classy 
 clocks, you know. And there's goin' to be some 
 engravin' done on the outside of the case; and 
 when it's all fixed up, with a monogram fob, 
 Mr. Robert says he's goin' to call the force to- 
 gether and have Piddie make the presentation 
 speech. Fancy that, now!
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 STKIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 
 
 EVEN when you know better, it's hard to for- 
 get that what everybody says ain't always so. 
 And they gen 'rally begin about this time of 
 year, when the Fifth-ave. folks put up their 
 wooden fronts and the Third-ave. people start 
 sleepin' on the fire escapes, to tell how dull the 
 town is. 
 
 Piddie shoots it off first, because he's just 
 read it in the paper. Skid Mallory makes the 
 same announcement, because he's let young Mrs. 
 Skid go West for a visit to Pa and Ma; and 
 Old Hickory Ellins, with the folks all in New- 
 port and half his best enemies gone from the 
 club, remarks vigorous as he pads in from 
 lunch fannin' himself with his forty-dollar 
 panama, that of all the blinkety blanked hot, un- 
 interestin' holes this side of the great sulphur 
 springs, New York is the worst. 
 
 So, when I'm turned loose from the Cor- 
 rugated that Saturday noon, and find a few 
 more empty chairs than usual at the dairy 
 lunch, and remember that the Yanks are playin' 
 in Phillie this week, and notice how scatterin* 
 
 162
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 163 
 
 the crowds are on the sunny side of Broadway, 
 I almost has to admit that there are times when 
 this is a dead slow burg. 
 
 " Nothin' doin', up or down," says I to my- 
 self. " Gee but I wish I was off in some live 
 wire junction where things was happeninM " 
 
 I'd backed up into the shade of a closed store 
 entrance and was just figurin' out a Coney 
 Island program to shake the willies, when all 
 of a sudden I gets wise to the fact that I'm 
 bein' sized up by a passin' gent. Before I can 
 do more than give him a quick squint and de- 
 cide that likely he's some bum actor preparin' 
 to touch me for a cigarette, he swings in easy 
 and graceful and ranges up alongside. 
 
 " Ah, ha! " says he, sort of chuckly. " By 
 the great horned frog of Yucatan! The much 
 desired tint! " 
 
 * ' Muh ! ' J says I. ' ' Another nutty victim of 
 the picture shows. Gwan ! ' ' 
 
 " Pardon me," says he, " if I allowed my 
 enthusiasm to make me forget the conventions ; 
 but I have searched long and vainly for such as 
 you, my son." 
 
 " Have, eh? " says I, backin' off. It might 
 be wheels and maybe it was only the heat ; but 
 it was dippy dialogue he was passin' out, and I 
 wa'n't takin' any chances. 
 
 " Fear not, Son," says he. " I come as a 
 friend. ' '
 
 164 TRYING- OUT TORCHY 
 
 " You got a good disguise on," says I. 
 " What's the game? " 
 
 " Permit me first," says he, " to allay your 
 very natural hesitancy to talk to a stranger. 
 My carte de visite." 
 
 With that he slips me an engraved card 
 which says how he is Mr. Payson Bannister 
 Wicks, D.A. 
 
 " That's some name," says I; " but the D.A.? 
 I can't connect. Doctor of which? " 
 
 " Archeology," says he. 
 
 11 Never had a corn in my life," says I. 
 
 " No, no! " says he. " Scientific research 
 among the relics of ancient civilization is my 
 field. I specialize in the antiquities of re- 
 ligion. ' ' 
 
 " Thanks," says I; " but I ain't buyin' any 
 antiques to-day." 
 
 " To reduce my proposal to a coldly com- 
 mercial basis," says Mr. Wicks, " may I ask 
 if you would seriously object to making five 
 dollars easy money! " 
 
 " Flash the five," says I. 
 
 And Payson Bannister, havrrr shrugged his 
 shoulders, unlimbers a bill fold that was fat 
 with crisp ones; while, if I'd been writin' his 
 customs declaration after that first glimpse, I'd 
 put him down for a few unredeemed pledge 
 tickets, a lucky pocketpiece, and about thirty- 
 eight cents cash.
 
 STEIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 165 
 
 Come to look him over close, though, I could 
 see he wa'ri't costumed like the last act of bet- 
 ter days. His high crowned gray felt with the 
 black band still has the fact'ry finish to it, his 
 featherweight gray mohair must have been built 
 to fit them broad shoulders, and his tan walkin' 
 pumps was the latest thing in classy footwear. 
 
 Yet there was something about that big, heavy 
 face of his that didn't exactly suit me. Maybe 
 it was the thick under lip, or the sag to his lower 
 jaw, or the quick shift to his gray-green eyes. 
 Anyway, he was almost too smooth to be true, 
 and I wa'n't goin' to let anybody do the con- 
 versational snake charmer act on me. 
 
 "I'm nibblin'; but I ain't swallowin' the bait 
 whole yet," says I. " Now what's the rest? 
 Want me to hold the fake wallet while you take 
 my watch as security and find a friend? ' 
 
 " I am grieved, Son, deeply grieved," says 
 the D.A., " to be the subject of such unjust sus- 
 picion, when my simple purpose is to secure 
 your assistance in an enterprise of high merit." 
 
 Say, he did it well too; nothin' gushy, no 
 overplayin ' the part, but just a pained, sad look, 
 and a deep sigh. 
 
 " Ah, chirk up," says I, " and let's hear how 
 it is I can win the five ! " 
 
 " Thanks, child of the sun, thanks," says he. 
 " Know, then, that you are called of Zapira to 
 be her acolyte."
 
 166 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " I've been called out of my name lots of 
 times, Mr. Wicks," says I; " but this is where 
 I get off and ask directions. Her aco which? " 
 
 " An acolyte," says he, " is one who assists 
 at a sacred rite. Zapira, golden haired daugh- 
 ter of the Incas, would have you attend her at 
 the altar." 
 
 " Best man, or groom? " says I. 
 
 " Nay, nay! " says Payson. " You are 
 wanted as helper to a priestess. It is for you 
 to bear the symbols of an ancient faith. That 
 is all. And the sacred ceremony lasts not more 
 than half an hour." 
 
 11 When does it come off? " says I. 
 
 " This very eventide," says Wicks, " the 
 same being the beginning of the year four thou- 
 sand and ten, according to the calendar of 
 Kechua the Great. You come a little before 
 nine, and nine-forty-five you depart. ' ' 
 
 " And it's five a throw? " says I. 
 
 " In advance, if you like," says Wicks, reach- 
 in' for the wad. 
 
 ' ' Tut, tut ! ' ' says I. "I ain 't signed on yet. 
 Is it on account of my thatch I'm picked for 
 this? " 
 
 " Aye, the gods have prepared you for it," 
 says Wicks. ' ' You are favored with the golden 
 aureole, even as Zapira, and she will be well 
 pleased to look upon you." 
 
 " That's cheerin'," says I; " but don't you
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 167 
 
 go to bankin' too heavy on me. Course, I ain't 
 castin' asparagus, or anything like that; but 
 this sacred rite business sounds like phony 
 press agent stuff. You'll find plenty of Bed- 
 dies, though, that ain't so particular, and I guess 
 you better hunt up another." 
 
 "I'll make it ten," says Wicks. " Come, 
 now! ' : 
 
 " Ten's harder to pass by than five," I ad- 
 mits, " but I'd have to hear more details in 
 words I could understand." 
 
 " Why, certainly," says Wicks. " As we 
 walk up the street." 
 
 And, say, hanged if he couldn't put it over 
 convincin'! Seems Wicks was a college pro- 
 fessor who'd had to quit for a year on account 
 of his health, and while he was vacatin' in Spain 
 he runs across an old Spanish explorer's book 
 that told about this temple of Lamma-Lu. At 
 first he didn't know whether to take any stock 
 in it or not; for as a tale of glitterin' gold it 
 was a whopper. 
 
 Accordin' to the book, this temple was in 
 Peru, 'way back in the mountains somewhere, 
 and it had a floor paved with solid gold blocks ; 
 but it wa'n't any account of sordid gold that 
 interested Professor Payson Bannister Wicks. 
 What got him stirred up was the hint that here 
 was a clew to the last stand made by the Incas, 
 the scene of the finish of the wonderful, mystic,
 
 168 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 prehistoric religion which, was already old be- 
 fore Moses built the ark. Eh? Well before 
 something of the kind happened. 
 
 Course, I can't give it to you the way Wicks 
 fed it to me, for he sure did know how to jug- 
 gle language; but you can get the idea. They 
 worshiped the sun, them old Incas did, and 
 made a thorough job of it, buildin' whackin' big 
 temples that would lay over anything we Ve got 
 on Fifth-ave. to-day. The priests was the whole 
 show too, runnin' the Grover'ment as well as 
 the churches, and doin' all the graftin' and all 
 the prayin' themselves. Every bit of gold that 
 was mined they grabbed for the temples, and 
 you can figure out they must have been some 
 class with eighteen-carat tiles for the floors. 
 
 But extravagance like that was what let 'em 
 in bad at the last. Along came the Spaniards, 
 hungry for just such building material, and the 
 way they rough-housed them sun worshipers 
 and their temples was something fierce. They 
 chased 'em from place to place, robbin' and 
 killin', until they was scattered worse J n the 
 Prohibition vote in a Tammany ward. 
 
 Now, Professor Wicks he'd studied all about 
 these people, and he'd been thinkin' of takin' 
 a trip down there to paw around among the old 
 ruins; so when he gets this hunch about the 
 temple of Lamma-Lu, off he pikes. The direc- 
 tions was kind of vague, and he had his doubts
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 169 
 
 about findin' the exact spot; but he blazes 
 ahead. 
 
 " And, Son," says he, stoppin' me impressive 
 in the middle of the sidewalk in Greeley Square, 
 11 I not only found the temple of Lamma-Lu, 
 hidden though it was in an almost inaccessible 
 valley behind the great peaks of the Andes, but 
 I discovered the Priestess Zapira, sole survivor 
 of the Incas. She is here, right here in New 
 York." 
 
 "Gee?" says I. "What for?" 
 
 " Ah! " says Wicks. " The very point I was 
 coming to." 
 
 And it's all simple enough. Zapira was try- 
 in' to collect enough of her people to clear away 
 the wreck of the old temple and build a sort 
 of a chapel on the spot, it being her scheme to 
 hold a kind of sun worshipers' revival and start 
 things goin' again. But, as the recruits was 
 few and as the temple wa'n't much rnore'n a 
 heap of stones, it seemed like a hopeless job. 
 
 Then Professor Wicks comes to the front 
 with his proposition. If Zapira would go with 
 him to New York, tell the people what she 
 wanted to do, show them how the sacred rites 
 of sun worshipin' was worked, and all that, he 
 would bet his head against a cocoanut that she 
 could get the proper backin' to rebuild Lamma- 
 Lu accordin' to the original specifications, with 
 steam heat, open plumbin', and stained glass
 
 170 TRYING OUT TOKCHY 
 
 windows thrown in; providing of course, she 
 was willin' to swap the solid gold pavin' for the 
 best mosaic tilin' turned out in Trenton, N. J. 
 And Zapira, who cared more for her ancient 
 religion than for all the gold you could load on 
 a train of coal cars, said she was perfectly 
 willin'. Tiles for her, every time! 
 
 " Which brings us," says Professor Wicks, 
 " to the humble but somewhat essential part I 
 am asking you to take in this noble enterprise. 
 Thanks to my untiring efforts, I have been able 
 to interest a number of influential men of affairs 
 in our plans for restoring the temple of Lamma- 
 Lu and of reviving a religion whose origin has 
 been lost in the mists of prehistoric ages. This 
 very night some of them will gather to witness 
 the Priestess Zapira go through those ancient 
 rites. Here in the midst of this wicked city she 
 has set up her altar to that deity whom primi- 
 tive man first honored with his crude homage, 
 to the great round sun. She demands a cup- 
 bearer, an acolyte ; but he must be a child of the 
 sun, a golden haired one, like herself. None 
 other will answer. And you, young man 
 well" 
 
 11 I see," says I, takin' off my straw lid to let 
 him have a good view. " I ought to qualify in 
 the finals, eh? " 
 
 " You do," says he. " And you'll come? v 
 
 Well, there I was, dead up against it. Course,
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 171 
 
 it was a weird proposition to have sprung on 
 you, right on Broadway of a Saturday after- 
 noon, this tale of old Spaniards, and ruined 
 temples, and a priestess from Peru. And I ex- 
 pect, if I'd been better posted along them lines, 
 I'd have done the suspicious duck; but, hearin' 
 Professor Wicks tell it all so straight and 
 earnest, and bein' some curious about this altar 
 stunt well, I fell for it. 
 
 " Eight-forty-five, eh? " says I. " Gimme 
 the number, and I'll be there." 
 
 It wa'n't any hamfatters' roost down in the 
 theatrical district, either. It's the first floor 
 suite of a swell boardin' house up in the 70 's, 
 with a neat dressed maid on the door. And 
 when I'm towed in to Professor Wicks I find 
 him got up in full, open faced evenin' clothes. 
 He's busy arrangin' a bunch of long stemmed 
 roses in a tall vase, and placin' the chairs 
 around in a semicircle facin' the curtain that 
 shuts off the back parlor. 
 
 " Well, Profess," says I, " you see I'm run- 
 nin' on sched." 
 
 " S-s-s-sh! " says he, givin' the soft pedal 
 sign. " The Priestess Zapira has entered the 
 sacred silence while the incense burns on the 
 altar. Softly, now, softly ! Here are the vest- 
 ments of your office." 
 
 With that he lugs out what looks like a white 
 cotton nighty with long, flowin' sleeves edged
 
 172 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 with three inches of bright red ribbon. 
 he's dropped that over my head and tied it 
 tight above my collar, he picks up a gilt medal 
 cut out to look like a sunburst and drapes it 
 around my neck like a chest protector. Next 
 he takes a comb and fluffs out my red hair, and 
 as a finishin' touch he hands me a brass bowl 
 about the size of a wash basin. 
 
 1 1 Gee ! " I whispers, gettin ' a glimpse in the 
 pier glass. "I'm all dolled up now, ain't 
 I? " 
 
 " You are attired as befits one who attends 
 the Priestess Zapira before the altar of the 
 Incas," says Wicks, solemn and serious. " Now 
 prepare yourself to enter the presence and re- 
 ceive instruction in your duties." 
 
 Oh, you can snicker now; but you ain't get- 
 tin' the full effects of that dim light, and the 
 drawn curtains, and all the rest. Honest, it 
 near had my knees wabbly, and when he calls 
 out low and husky, " O Zapira, the acolyte 
 awaits your pleasure! " I was swallowin' hard 
 and gettin' dry in the throat. 
 
 " Come! " says a voice behind the curtain, 
 and Wicks grabs me by the hand and drags 
 me in. 
 
 And, say, I ain't much up on ancient altars; 
 but I should say this was a good specimen. It's 
 about eight feet long, and six or seven high, 
 all glitterin' with gilt paper, and with three or
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 173 
 
 four red steps leadin' up to the front. Just 
 over it hangs a blazin' sun more'n two feet 
 across, and at either end comes up a gold torch 
 with real flames shootin' out of the top. 
 
 I'd gawped at it a minute and had got my 
 eyes used to the bright light before I discovers 
 the priestess. She's wearin' a white robe too, 
 only hers is soft and silky and the red decora- 
 tions is more flossy. She's layin' back easy in 
 a big chair, with her head half turned away; 
 but I can see she's a stunnin' big woman, with a 
 lot of copper red hair that's braided in two 
 long plaits and brought over her shoulders. 
 
 I was just wonderin' whether it was up to 
 me to drop on both knees and bump my head on 
 the rug, or wait for her to give the signal, when 
 she turns around slow and deliberate. And, 
 say, you could have blown me over with a 
 breath. The Priestess Zapira! Ah, guff! 
 Didn't I use to see her on an average of twice a 
 day around at Mother Sykes', when she was 
 doin' the fortune tellin' act in the back parlor 
 and I had a room on the top floor? And hadn't 
 I butted in and staked her to a five- spot once < 
 when business had been dull and the Sykes per- 
 son was havin' it out in the hall about back 
 rent and the wear of so many visitors trampin' 
 over the carpet? 
 
 " Why, hello, Madam Lecour! " says I. 
 
 For a second there, as she jumped to her feet
 
 174 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 and looked wild, I thought she was goin' to make 
 a dash for the street, just as she was; but it 
 was only a spasm. Next minute she steadies 
 down, takes a good look at me, and then throws 
 back her head for a low, ripply laugh. 
 
 " Well, well! " says she. " Torchy! " 
 
 11 Some disguise," says I; " but no more'n 
 you." 
 
 At that Professor Wicks, who's been standin' 
 goggle eyed and open mouthed, breaks in. 
 " I er I trust that our young friend," says 
 he, " does not fancy that in the Priestess Zapira 
 he recognizes someone whom he " 
 
 ' * Ah, dry up, Wicksy ! ' ' says Madam Lecour. 
 " Of course he knows me." 
 
 With that she lets loose another laugh, and 
 then, settlin' back comf 'table, digs up the cigar- 
 ette she'd hid away a minute before and pro- 
 ceeds to burn some more incense. 
 
 * ' But, my dear, ' ' says Wicks, lookin ' worried 
 from one to the other of us, ' ' how could I tell ? 
 We needed a red haired youth, you know, and 
 and I found one." 
 
 " Yes, you've mussed things up, as usual, 
 Wicksy," says she, puffin' rings placid. 
 
 * ' I take it, then, ' ' says I, ' ' that all this lovely 
 tale you pumped into me about temples paved 
 with gold was more or less hot air, eh? Well, 
 it was a bird! ' ; 
 
 " WJiy er you see, my dear young man,"
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 175 
 
 begins the Professor, " it may be that in the 
 warmth of my zeal for " 
 
 " There, there, Wicksy! " breaks in Madam 
 Lecour. " What's the use? And it's a fool 
 scheme, anyway. I always said it was. You 
 see, Torchy, what I get by marrying a back 
 number sideshow manager. Look at the pipe 
 dream he thinks he can get away with! Might 
 be all right under a canvas top, maybe, with 
 a lot of country boobs ready to throw their 
 quarters into the box ; but to spring a thing like 
 this on city people No, no, Wicksy! " 
 
 " But haven't I made good so far? " de- 
 mands Payson Bannister. " What about the 
 five hundred I scooped in last week? " 
 
 11 Big risks, Wicksy, big risks, though," says 
 Madam Lecour. ' ' And I don't like it. I should 
 have stuck to palms, and you to doing your re- 
 fined museum lectures. That was straight coin. 
 But this Ugh! It makes me creepy." 
 
 " Pooh! " says Wicks. " Besides, it's too 
 late to quit now. They'll be here any moment. 
 Son, do you still want to earn that ten? ' 
 
 " Nix for me! " says I. " I ain't ringin' 
 in any alarm on an old friend; but I've got to 
 back out." 
 
 " As you choose," says he. " Then you'll 
 have to go on without a helper, Minnie." 
 
 " Not to-night, Wicksy," says Madam Le- 
 cour. " I've been jolted too hard."
 
 176 TRYING OUT TOKCHY 
 
 11 But what can I do? " says he. " What 
 can I tell them? " 
 
 " Ah, say I'm in a trance, or a faint any- 
 thing to stand 'em off," says she. " Per- 
 haps by to-morrow, or the day after, I 
 can 
 
 " Here they come!" says Wicks. "The 
 bell!" 
 
 Well, as there was no gettin' out for me then, 
 I stays behind the curtain chattin' with Madam 
 Lecour, while the professor receives the guests 
 and hands out the smooth talk. The bell kept 
 ringin' and ringin', until there must have been 
 ten or a dozen out front; and I judged Wicksy 
 was havin' a busy session, for at times we could 
 hear three or four talkin' at once. But the 
 professor was right there with the palaver, and 
 inside of a quarter of an hour he's cleared the 
 room. 
 
 " Well," says he, showin' up once more be- 
 tween the draperies and moppin' his brow, 
 " I've stood 'em off for this time, Minnie. 
 Some didn't like it much and beefed for the 
 show to go on; but I promised Tuesday night 
 for sure, and at last I got 'em all out." 
 
 ' ' All but one ! ' ' growls a deep, heavy voice 
 behind the professor. And if Wicks turned 
 cheese color and shook in his shoes, so did I; for 
 I knew the voice. " Huh! ' it goes on. 
 " Thought you could flimflam me, did you?
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 177 
 
 Well, by the great snortin' snakes! we'll see 
 about that." 
 
 And pushin' past the professor comes hon- 
 est, I hate to name him, but you'd never guess 
 who Old Hickory Ellins! 
 
 " Now," says he, nailin' Wicks by the collar, 
 " I want to know just what sort of a " 
 
 That's as far as he got, though; for just then 
 as he glares around the room, them cut-steel 
 eyes of his light On me, standin' there lookin' 
 foolish and tryin' to untie the puckerin' string 
 of that blamed nighty. 
 
 " Well, I'll be eternally crisped! " he gasps 
 out. "You!" 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I, grinnin' in spite of my* 
 self. 
 
 " And what in the name of the blithering 
 blazes," says he, " might you be doing here? " 
 
 " Aconitin' the altar," says I. 
 
 " Wha-a-at? " he snorts. 
 
 " Well, somethin' like that," says I. " Only 
 I've resigned. I quit as soon as I finds it's a 
 bunk frame-up and that the Priestess Zapira 
 was only Madam Lecour." 
 
 " Oh! ' he sneers. " Then you are ac- 
 quainted with one of this precious pair of 
 swindlers, are you? " 
 
 " Ah, say, Mr. Ellins," says I, " don't go 
 drawin' it too strong on Madam Lecour. She's 
 an old boardin' house friend of mine that's al-
 
 178 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 ways done straight palm readin' until she was 
 dragged into this priestess stunt by Hubby 
 here." 
 
 " If Mr. Ellins will grant me but a moment,'' 
 breaks in Wicks, " I shall endeavor to ex- 
 plain " 
 
 " Say, I've heard too much from you al- 
 ready," snaps Old Hickory, " and you couldn't 
 tell the truth if you tried, anyway. I prefer 
 to listen to Torchy. Come, young man, get out 
 of that fancy dress kimono and trot along with 
 me! " 
 
 " Sure," says I. 
 
 " In case of any dissatisfaction," says the 
 professor, " I am ready to return your sub- 
 scription, Sir." 
 
 " More fool you, then," says Mr. Ellins. 
 "I'd advise you to invest that hundred in rail- 
 road tickets, and use 'em mighty quick. Come 
 along, Torchy." 
 
 That's the game old sport he is. He'd been 
 stung good and plenty, and he 'd been sore about 
 it! but as soon as I'd given him the whole story 
 about Madam Lecour he just grins. 
 
 " Well," says he, "as a source of hot 
 weather amusement it was almost worth the 
 price. Anyway, I guess none of us can afford 
 to squeal." 
 
 " But, say, Mr. Ellins," says I, as we parts 
 at the corner, " which was it he got you on, the
 
 STRIKING A LEVEL ON LAMMA-LU 179 
 
 scheme for restorin' the temple, or the gold- 
 brick proposition? " 
 
 " See here, Son," says Old Hickory, pattin' 
 me heavy on the back, " let's you and I not 
 ask each other any embarrassing questions. 
 What we want to do now is to forget. ' ' 
 
 Well, I'm doin' my best; but don't anybody 
 try to tell me how this is a dull town, at any 
 time of year.
 
 CHAPTEE XI 
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 
 
 COUKSE, the only one I could work up any 
 real keen regrets for in this mixup the other 
 afternoon was Piddie. Oh, yes! I ain't quite 
 got to the stage where I wake up at night and 
 wonder if by any careless slip durin' the day 
 I've done anything to annoy Mr. Piddie; but it 
 sure would be a shame to mess up the harmony 
 of such a noble soul ! 
 
 It was Piddie starts me out with strict in- 
 structions that I must report back at the office 
 by three-thirty, no matter what happened. 
 He'd gone over for the third time all about 
 how careful I must be of this bunch of papers 
 I was to take up to an alfalfa plute, where the 
 hotel was exactly, and so on, and he winds up 
 by remarkin' once more, " And you know if 
 you're not back here by half after three " 
 
 " Sure, Piddie," says I, " I know; the roof 'li 
 fall in, and the boiler '11 blow up, and the ice- 
 water cooler '11 break out with the hives. So 
 hold the watch on me while I take a flyin' 
 start." 
 
 For all I was deliverin' was some duplicate 
 
 180
 
 PIDDLE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 181 
 
 contracts to a chesty gent who was too hook- 
 wormy to come down after 'em himself. But 
 Piddle never loses any chance of tryin' to put 
 me in wrong, and this settin' a time limit on me 
 in the hope of a subway block or something 
 like that is one of his fav'rite schemes. This 
 was once too where he stood to win. 
 
 No, it wa'n't any hold-up on the Inter- 
 borough. I makes the big uptown hotel well 
 inside the schedule, sends a 'phone message 
 from the desk up to the plute's room, unloads 
 the package straight and proper, and am nicely 
 on my way down from the seventeenth floor 
 without anybody even crossin' their fingers on 
 me. 
 
 At the fifteenth young Smoky Days, the Ja- 
 maica brunette who's jugglin' the speed lever, 
 brings the big cage up with a jerk and slams 
 back the door for a couple I'd seen waitin' as 
 I went up. They'd missed cars on either side 
 of 'em and was stickin' to this shaft, watchin' 
 the indicator lights solemn and patient. 
 
 And they sure was a jay pair to be driftin' 
 around in a ten-a-day house like that. The 
 gent is one of these wide shouldered, heavy 
 built parties, with a rugged home made face, a 
 generous mouth, and thick ears that stuck out 
 like wings would on a pig. He's wearin' a 
 nobby sack suit with a brown, green, and red 
 plaid pattern that allows about two and a half
 
 182 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 squares across the back, and the front of his 
 vest is decorated with secret order pins and 
 medals like the uniform coat of a crack band- 
 master. 
 
 The lady with him is a chunky, bunchy little 
 party with a button nose, apple tinted cheeks, 
 and a lot of worry creases across her forehead 
 that's worked in so deep no face massage treat- 
 ments could ever steam 'em out. There's no 
 tellin' what crossroads emporium fitted her out 
 with the demihobble costume she has on; but 
 that, and the freak lid, and the three cunnin' lit- 
 tle curls danglin' just behind her left ear, puts 
 the Podunk sign on her for fair. My first guess 
 about them was that they'd sold out the sausage 
 and tripe business and had come East on some 
 round trip excursion. 
 
 Guests is guests, though; so Smoky throws 
 the gate for 'em. They're just about to step in 
 cautious, when along the corridor comes sailin' 
 an entirely different pair, a clean built, swell 
 dressed young chappy, like them you see in the 
 collar ads, and a classy lookin' young lady 
 whose costume couldn't have left Paris more'n 
 a month ago. 
 
 Do the newcomers wait to inspect the ele- 
 vator or inquire if it's their turn? Not much! 
 Reggie boy swings a shoulder in front of the 
 ex-sausage maker, brushes the demihobble skirt 
 one side with his stick, hands his young lady,
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 183 
 
 and then steps in himself. It's all done so 
 snappy that the crossroads couple are left with 
 one foot in the air and their mouths open. 
 
 " Come, come! Lively, now! Going down- 
 n-n-n! " sings out the lever juggler, rattlin' the 
 door catch peevish. 
 
 Well, they look kind of fussed and nervous; 
 but it's plain they ain't sure whether there's 
 any call for them to get grouchy or not ; so in 
 they stumbles and sidles off into the corner 
 without a word. I could easy have felt sore 
 for 'em ; but what was the use when it would be 
 all over in a minute, I thinks, and the five of 
 us would be scatterin' for diff'rent points, 
 maybe never as much as to rub elbows again 
 this side of Kingdom Come? 
 
 You never can bank on futures, though, can 
 you, even when you can count the tricks on your 
 fingers? Next thing we know the elevator 
 comes to a sudden stop between the eleventh, 
 and twelfth floors, and the country couple, bein' 
 handy to the leather bench, and not being braced 
 for anything like that, sits down abrupt and 
 solid. Then for a minute or so we all watches 
 Smoky jerk the handle back and forth without 
 producin' any results, and then I thinks it's up 
 to me to break the silence. 
 
 " Bugged the gears that time, eh? " I re- 
 marks.
 
 184 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Nah! " says he, shruggin' his shoulders. 
 " Power's gone." 
 
 11 What's that? " says Eeggie, speakin' up 
 sharp. " Why don't you go on, Boy? ' 
 
 Maybe it was the tone he said it in, or maybe 
 it was only that " boy " on the end; but the 
 brunette youth from the West Indies ain't ready 
 with the polite response. He just rolls the 
 whites of his eyes at Reggie and then turns his 
 back on him. 
 
 " I say, you! " insists Reggie. " What are 
 we stopping here for, you know? Why don't 
 you go on? ' 
 
 " Don't you hear, Alfonso? " says I. " Why 
 don't you drop us? Can't you see the young 
 gentleman's in a hurry? ' 
 
 ' ' Ah, what do I care ? ' ' grumbles Smoky. 
 
 "Well, I must say!" growls Reggie, tap- 
 pin' the rubber mat with his stick real pettish. 
 " Is not this annoying, Gladys? " 
 
 11 It's quite too absurd, Pierpont," says 
 Gladys. 
 
 " Now I guess you'll start something! " says 
 I to Alfonso. 
 
 All he does, though, is to yell down the shaft 
 to the starter, askin' what's happened to the 
 power. 
 
 " Shut off ! " calls back the starter. " The 
 water's been shut off."
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 185 
 
 " What! " says Pierpont. " Water shut off? 
 What for, and for how long? " 
 
 But the starter don't know. He says he'll 
 ask the engineer. Two minutes more, and we 
 has the satisfaction of hearin' that the engineer 
 don't know. 
 
 11 But, see here, Starter," sings out Pierpont, 
 "this is a deuced nuisance, y'know! It's an 
 outrage, bah Jove! Send for the manager. 
 Tell him Mr. E. Pierpont Boggs wishes to see 
 him." 
 
 "Aha!" says I on the side to Alfonso. 
 "Now some one's goin' to get slapped on the 
 wrist for this ! ' : 
 
 But Alfonso don't seem worried a bit. He 
 climbs up on his stool and proceeds to dig litera- 
 ture out of his pocket. It's one of them Nick 
 Carter airship yarns, and he turns eager to 
 page three, finds his place by a thumbprint, and 
 from then on is as much out of range of all 
 trouble as a cat sleepin' on a sunny window 
 ledge. 
 
 As for the crossroads pair, they ain't opened 
 their heads, even to swap a whisper ; not know- 
 in', I expect, whether this was a reg'lar stunt 
 of high priced hotel elevators or not. And me, 
 I leans back against the side grating and tries 
 to whistle something soft and soothin'. What's 
 the use of my frettin' when Pierpont was doin* 
 such a thorough job at it? He don't let up until
 
 186 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 he's had 'em rout out the manager, who arrives 
 at the tenth floor with hardly breath enough 
 left to talk. 
 
 " Eegret very deeply," he puffs out; " but 
 we can't help it, Mr. Boggs. There's been a 
 break in one of the large mains, blasting 
 caused it, I understand, and the city depart- 
 ment had to shut off the water. They've just 
 notified us. The plungers are not working, you 
 see; but the safety catches are holding nicely. 
 You are perfectly secure, you know." 
 
 " Secure! " explodes Pierpont. " I should 
 say we were ! It's as bad as being in jail. And 
 I don't like it!" 
 
 The manager, he apologizes all over again. 
 
 " But how long will it be before the water 
 is turned on again? " asks Pierpont. 
 
 " Oh, not more than an hour or so two at 
 the most," says the manager, which brings a 
 howl out of Pierpont. 
 
 " Two hours! " says he. " But we cawn't 
 do it, you know, we simply cawn't! We er I 
 have a very important engagement, and our 
 er my train leaves at four o'clock. Don't you 
 understand? You must get us out of here at 
 once! " 
 
 Yes, the manager says he understands. He's 
 sent for the elevator people, told 'em to bring 
 ropes and tools and so on, and he's sure they'll 
 do their best when they arrive. Also he says
 
 PIDDLE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 181 
 
 it's too bad we got caught just as we did; for 
 they'd got the folks out of all the other eleva- 
 tors, except one fat woman who was stuck in 
 Number Three and couldn't be lifted through 
 a two-foot crack. They'd passed her in some 
 luncheon, though, and she wa'n't making any 
 fuss. 
 
 But that don't calm Pierpont. He keeps 
 right on gettin' wrathy. " Think of it, 
 Gladys! " says he. 
 
 ' ' It 's simply dreadful ! ' ' says Gladys. 
 " And what are we going to do about " 
 
 " S-s-sh! " says Pierpont. ''We will do 
 something, I don't know what. I must think. 
 And here we are, shut up with these persons ! " 
 
 11 Ah, say," says I, " I guess if we can stand 
 it, you can. It works both ways, Pierpy." 
 
 " Humph! " says he, givin' me the icy stare 
 for a second. 
 
 " Not so rough, Pierpont, not so rough! " 
 says I. " There's ladies present." 
 
 Then the sausage maker clears his throat and 
 remarks, sort of husky and embarrassed, 
 " Don't the lady want to sit down? " 
 
 11 She does not! " speaks up Pierpont, glanc- 
 in' scornful at the plaid suit. 
 
 Course, they was an odd pair, the two on the 
 bench, and if I was pickin' folks to be shut up 
 with in an elevator I don't know as I'd tagged 
 these partic'lar ones myself; but I couldn't see
 
 188 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 where they'd earned any such blackballin' 
 process as Pierpont was handin' 'em. The fact 
 that they was way station delegates travelin' a 
 little out of their class was plain enough. They 
 knew it and acted it, and what was the sense of 
 rubbin' it in? So when this crisp comeback is 
 shot over, and I see how it makes the gent 
 wince, I has to butt in. 
 
 " Gee! " says I, winkin' over at the tourist 
 pair, " but some folks is exclusive, ain't they? " 
 
 All they did, though, was to grin sort of 
 sheepish; while Pierpont and Gladys, to show 
 how far beneath their notice we were, resumes 
 the debate over their private affairs just as 
 though they was all alone. 
 
 First off I thought they must be married; 
 but later on I wa'n't so sure. Seems Pierpont 
 has been sent for to go West in a hurry on some 
 business or other, and he'd planned for Gladys 
 to go part way with him. Then they'd stop off 
 and see her mother about something important, 
 and after that the programme was vague. 
 
 Anyway, this elevator holdup was puttin' the 
 crisscross on his plans something awful, and the 
 longer it lasted the worse things was being 
 mussed up. 
 
 And as there wa'n't room for more'n one 
 steady conversation in that eight by ten car, 
 the rest of us stood one side and played thinkin' 
 parts. We gave Pierpont room to pace back
 
 PIDDLE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 189 
 
 and forth, and every once in awhile, when he 
 consulted his watch, we held our breath. 
 Fin'lly, as it gets to be three o'clock and there's 
 no signs of our being let out, he announces to 
 Gladys that he's made up his mind to a new 
 deal. 
 
 " Why not now," says he, " before we 
 start? " 
 
 " To-day! " gasps Gladys. 
 
 11 Yes, providing they ever get us out of this 
 trap," says Pierpont. " There's a train at 
 eight. We'll take that." 
 
 " But Mother! " says Gladys. 
 
 11 She needn't know now," says Pierpont. 
 1 ' We can tell her later, when I come back after 
 you. Come, what's the difference! " 
 
 Well, say, if their idea was that we couldn't 
 guess what sort of move they was debatin', 
 they didn't give us credit for being more'n 
 half awake. As a rule folks don't plot out 
 secret weddings so open, except on the stage; 
 but this was a special occasion. Either they 
 didn't care if we knew, or else they'd sized us 
 up for dead wires. And I could see the Podunk 
 lady gettin' int 'rested by the minute. 
 
 11 Well? " insists Pierpont, in that high 
 handed way of his. " Why not? " 
 
 With her veil pushed back and her big brown 
 eyes showin' how deep and serious she was 
 takin' it, Gladys looked more human than she
 
 190 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 had before. Nice girl she was too, and not 
 more'n nineteen, I should judge. Anyway, she 
 looked young. 
 
 " Why," says she, " why I I Oh, Pier- 
 pont, I don't know what to say! ' 
 
 With that she glances around, sort of help- 
 less and appealing until she comes to the lady 
 sausage maker on the seat. She hadn't said a 
 word, this party with the curls; but she'd 
 leaned forward, and there was a kind of moth- 
 erly, sympathizin ' look on her homely face that 
 you couldn't mistake. She'd forgot about how 
 she'd been snubbed, and all that. She was just 
 a woman watchin' a girl. 
 
 A whole minute, it seemed like, they held the 
 pose, and then Well, I don't know which of 
 us was most jarred, me or Pierpont or the deco- 
 rated Rube, but the next act is that all of a 
 sudden Gladys digs up a deep sob, and then 
 throws herself on her knees with her head in 
 the Podunk lady's lap. 
 
 They're great on dippy moves, these high 
 strung young ladies; but this was one of the 
 quickest form reversals I'd ever seen. It only 
 takes a second, though, for the Podunk party 
 to get her breath. 
 
 " Yes, I know just how you feel, Deary," 
 says she, pattin' Gladys on the shoulder. " I 
 was your age myself once, and my Minnie 'd 
 been just about the same if she'd lived. That's
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 191 
 
 right, cry it out. You'll feel better after, and 
 you'll know what you ought to do." 
 
 " Oh, but I don't know what to do! " sobs 
 Gladys. " I don't, I don't! And I I can't 
 tell you about it! " 
 
 ' ' There, there ! ' ' says the other. * ' I can 
 guess, Deary. He has to go away and leave 
 you; so he wants to be married first and have 
 you keep it quiet until he can come back. Ain't 
 that it, now? " . 
 
 '* Ye-e-e-es," says Gladys. " And I would if 
 it wasn't for hiding it from Mother. She has 
 been on our side all along, you know, and I'm 
 sure Father will come around in time, when he 
 gets to know Pierpont better. I don't care so 
 much about keeping it from him; but but 
 there's Mother." 
 
 " Yes, yes," says the Podunk lady. "I'm 
 glad you feel that way about your mother, too. 
 As long as you do, I guess you'll be all right. 
 So don't worry." 
 
 "Oh, I say, Gladys!" protests Pierpont, 
 who's been viewin' this new groupin' astonished 
 and some indignant. 
 
 " Better let the women settle it their own 
 way," says the sausage man, steppin' to the 
 front and jerkin' his thumb at the clinched 
 parties. " And have a cigar." 
 
 " Beg pardon," says Pierpont, drawin' him- 
 self up stiff, " but I don't know you, sir."
 
 192 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 11 I can fix that easy," says the other gent. 
 " My name's Shaeffer, and that's Mrs. Shaeffer 
 over there." 
 
 " Really? " says Pierpont sarcastic. 
 
 " If you've ever traveled much west of St. 
 Jo," goes on Shaeffer, " you've seen the name 
 plenty of times, Shaeffer 's Bread, that's us. 
 Louisa and me, we started out twenty years 
 ago to make the first hundred loaves of Shaef- 
 fer 's bread. We hired a little store on a side 
 street, did the baking ourselves, tended counter, 
 and delivered in a basket. Maybe you wouldn't 
 count it much to be proud of, but we made 
 mighty good bread. If we hadn't, how could we 
 sell out our chain of bakeries in seven cities, and 
 get half a million just for the name and good 
 will? Shaeffer 's Bread, see! But we're 
 through. I'm in mines now." 
 
 " Mines? " says Pierpont, straightenin ' out 
 the curl in his upper lip and gettin' some in- 
 t 'rested. 
 
 " Yes, sir," says Shaeffer. " Gold, silver, 
 copper, zinc I don't know what else. Some of 
 'em pay and some of 'em don't; but I guess the 
 net income figures up on the right side. Shaef- 
 fer luck. Anyway, we ain't bothering. We've 
 made up our minds just to travel around and 
 enjoy ourselves. Ain't so much fun, after all, 
 I tell Louisa. First time we've run up against
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 193 
 
 this, though," and he waves his hand at the 
 blank elevator wall. 
 
 Meanwhile Mrs. Shaeffer and Gladys has 
 been talkin' low and confidential, and just as 
 Pierpont is acceptin' one of the ex-baker's 
 cigars, Louisa breaks out with: 
 
 ' * Hey, Fritz, don 't we own some of that June 
 Bug stock? " 
 
 " Some! " says Fritz. " Why, we got con- 
 trol of that, Mother. Don't you remember? 
 That's the mine Hank Nutter brought us the 
 assay reports on, and we bought in so's to put 
 him in charge. He's developin' that new lead, 
 you know." 
 
 " I forgot," says Louisa; " but if Hank Nut- 
 ter's in charge that makes it easy. You see, 
 Fritz, this young man's just been hired as 
 mining engineer there, and he's due to go to 
 work at the June Bug next Monday morning. 
 It's his first job since he left college, and if he 
 makes good Well, all this young lady's 
 father has against him is that he's never done 
 anything. ' ' 
 
 ' ' Oh, he '11 make good, all right, ' ' says Fritz. 
 " I'll bank on that. Wants to get hooked up 
 before he starts, does he? Well, why not? " 
 
 " Thank you," says Pierpont, shovin' out the 
 grateful palm. 
 
 " Now you shut up, Fritz! ' : says Mrs. 
 Shaeffer. " What do you know about such
 
 194 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 things, anyway? Oh, you men! A runaway 
 match kept secret is all right for you, of course ; 
 but what about the girl and the girl 's mother ? 
 Now Miss Gladys is thinking about her 
 mother." 
 
 Well, it seemed Mother was visitin' in Buf- 
 falo. She'd never had any strong objection to 
 Pierpont herself, but was only backin' Father's 
 gen'ral proposition that a young college gent, 
 even if he was due to inherit property, ought 
 to make a showdown on the grub earnin' line 
 before askin' any girl to marry him. 
 
 " But haven't I a year's contract? " says 
 Pierpont. " Of course, the salary wouldn't be 
 enough for us to live on in New York; but if 
 Gladys will wait until " 
 
 " Say," breaks in Fritz, " how would the 
 young lady like a year at June Bug Camp ? It 
 ain't so rough, and there's a good frame house 
 out there, and " 
 
 " Oh, I'd love it," says Gladys, " if if we 
 could let Mother know beforehand." 
 
 " Why can't you? " says Mrs. Shaeffer. 
 " Oh, the young man's job? Well, Fritz, you 
 just wire out to Hank Nutter that the new en- 
 gineer will be two or three days late, and to 
 treat him right when he comes. That will give 
 time for you young people to go up to Buffalo, 
 fix it all up with Mother, and have a proper 
 wedding. ' '
 
 PIDDIE GETS ONE OFF THE BAT 195 
 
 * ' By George ! ' ' says Pierpont, real enthusi- 
 astic. 
 
 " Would you come with us? " asks Gladys, 
 holding out both hands to Mrs. Shaeffer. 
 
 " Me? " says Louisa, reddenin' up. " Why, 
 you wouldn't want anybody like us to to '* 
 
 * * We just would ! ' ' says Pierpont, cordial 
 and hearty. " You're genuine bricks, and we 
 should like nothing better than to " 
 
 " H-e-e-e-e-y! " comes a voice bellowin' up 
 the elevator shaft. " Why in blazes don't you 
 bring that car down? Power's been on this five 
 minutes." 
 
 At which silent Alfonso tears his eyes re- 
 luctant from page twenty-seven of the airship 
 tale, piles off his stool, and grabs the startin* 
 lever. 
 
 So it's three-forty-five when I drifts into the 
 Corrugated and finds Piddie waitin' with one 
 eye on the clock and a look of triumph on his 
 face. 
 
 11 Aha! " says he. " Just as I thought! I 
 presume you have concocted some plausible ex- 
 cuse for this outrageous delay? " 
 
 " Sure thing," says I. " First off I was 
 kidnaped by the city water department, and 
 while that was takin' place I was entertained 
 by seem' two of the upper clawsses revise their 
 notions about a pair of full jeweled jays from 
 the Middle West. Does that get by, or do I go
 
 196 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 on the carpet for court martial before the real 
 boss! " 
 
 " Humph! " says Piddle, turnin' on his heel 
 and walkin' off. 
 
 And I bet he loses sleep to-night tryin' to 
 figure out whether I'm guilty of mutiny, or was 
 just slippin' over the usual josh.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 A LATE SCORE FOB VANDY 
 
 WELL, well! Am I a Mr. Fixit or not? Say, 
 if you got any secret, gnawin' ambitions burn- 
 in' away under your vest, come around some 
 afternoon when I ain't rushed, and I'll dope 
 out a scheme for stencilin' your name on the 
 walls of Fame so it'll look like a soap ad on a 
 new barn. 
 
 Anyway, you can ask J. Vanderbeck Smith. 
 Course, I'll admit part of that was due to a 
 lucky break, and maybe I ain't got any cue to 
 get chesty over it at all ; but someway it tickles 
 me a lot. 
 
 And you'd think, after takin' one glance at 
 J. Vanderbeck, that he'd be the last man in the 
 world to need a boost from anyone, let alone 
 any such a two by four as me. Honest, he 's so 
 big and important lookin' that I ain't figured 
 out even now how it was he ever escaped bein' 
 made a Senator, or a General, or a life insur- 
 ance president. You know one of these deep 
 chested, wide shouldered, heavyweight Adonis 
 parties, with a big, serious face, and a ponder- 
 ous, dignified way of movin' that almost makes 
 
 197
 
 198 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 you hold your breath while he's passin' a given 
 point. He's the kind of gent that folks will 
 turn to gawp at in a crowd and ask each other 
 who he is. Dresses the part well, too, cream 
 colored spats, frock coat, and silk tile, with a 
 pink carnation always in his buttonhole. 
 
 Oh, he's a dream J. Vanderbeck Smith is, 
 and when he shows up you look around to see 
 where's the reception committee, or what's de- 
 layed the band. But, say, sad to relate, that's 
 as far as it goes. J. Vanderbeck ain't even in 
 the also-ran class. He ain't so much as a has- 
 been. He's a never-waser. Uh-huh! Took me 
 a long time to get over the shock myself, and I 
 had to have it straight from headquarters be- 
 fore I'd believe it. 
 
 " Say, Mr. Ellins," says I, rushin' into the 
 private office the first time J. Vanderbeck 
 dropped into the Corrugated after I'd been put 
 on the gate, " I guess the main guy himself has 
 come to town. Here's his card. Incog, ain't 
 he? " 
 
 And Old Hickory, after glancin' at the name, 
 only laughs and says, " Oh, Vandy Smith! 
 Well, I'm not busy just now. You may let 
 him in." 
 
 Course, that should have been enough to give 
 me his number; but, believe me, it was months 
 before I could get over the habit of jumpin' up 
 and throwin' the gate wide open when he stalks
 
 A LATE SCOEE FOE VANDY 199 
 
 in. When I discovers, though, that Vandy's 
 only a dummy director, shoved into the board 
 on the strength of his holdin' a small block of 
 shares and bein' a kind of third cousin to Mr. 
 Ellins, I begins to get wise to what a joke he is. 
 
 Seems that J. Vanderbeck's steady job in life 
 is to draw quarterly dividends, serve on club 
 committees, and keep his tailor busy. Along 
 with the name of Smith he'd inherited a tin 
 box in some safety deposit vaults, and he'd let 
 it go at that. 
 
 Near as I could figure out, work and him was 
 total strangers, and so far as I could see his 
 life was about as useful and animated as if he'd 
 been a potted palm in some hotel lobby. After 
 I got to know him well I used to wonder if he 
 had any real thoughts, and what they was like. 
 
 But, say, you can't always tell, can you? 
 Here the other forenoon Vanderbeck surprises 
 me by showin' up at the Corrugated about ten 
 o'clock, and I'd never known him to drift in 
 earlier than eleven-thirty before. 
 
 "Tut, tut!" says I. " Beatin' the time- 
 card, ain't you? Or is it just a case of stayin* 
 up so late it was too early to go to bed? " 
 
 1 Beastly fire next door to the club," says he. 
 " Routed me out, you know. Mr. Ellins 
 down? " 
 
 " Nix," says I. " He's a little behind 
 schedule; but I'm goin' to give him ten minutes
 
 200 TRYING OUT TOKCHY 
 
 more before I dock him. Maybe you'd better 
 walk in and take charge until he comes, Mr. 
 Smith." 
 
 " Ah, thanks," says Vandy, never even 
 crackin ' a smile. 
 
 Not that I was wastin' all this josh on him; 
 for I'd tried out Vandy 's sense of humor be- 
 fore, and knew that where the funny bump 
 ought to be there was a hollow you could lay 
 an egg in. I was just shootin' it out for the 
 benefit of Piddie, who was flubbin' around with 
 his ear stretched, as usual. And when Piddie 
 hears me invite Vandy to take charge of the 
 business he gasps so you could hear him all 
 over the shop. 
 
 We was just in the midst of a lovely debate, 
 Piddie and me, and he was handin' out a line 
 of reproof that should have had me hangin' my 
 head and chewin' my tongue, I expect; only it 
 didn't, for I was just suggestin' that if he 
 knew as much about his job as he thought he 
 did about mine, they ought to double his salary 
 when the door is yanked open and slammed 
 shut again, and in pads Old Hickory, his eyes 
 blazin' sparks and his fists doubled, and his 
 neck and ears about the color of a bunch of 
 grapes. 
 
 " Boy! " he roars. " Go down in the ar- 
 cade and find that special officer! Bring him 
 up here at once! "
 
 A LATE SCORE FOE VANDY 201 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I, jumpin' lively. " Need 
 the reg'lar cop out front too, Sir? " 
 
 " No, Daley will do," lie snaps. " Tell him 
 I'll make the charge. I've been followed, 
 threatened, insulted! The scoundrel's waiting 
 outside! Quick, now! " 
 
 " Right, Sir," says I, slidin' through the 
 door and makin' such a dash for the elevator 
 that I bunks into a short, thick set party good 
 and hard. 
 
 11 Oh, you will, will you? " says he, and the 
 next thing I knows I'm about to get a solid 
 lookin ' leather covered box a foot square swung 
 at my head. But my luck still held. The swing 
 was never finished. Instead, the gent puts down 
 the box and gawps at me astonished. 
 
 "Well, I'll be ditched!" says he. 
 " Torchy! " 
 
 " Gee! " says I. " Snap Collins! But why 
 the assault and battery motions? " 
 
 " Took you for the official bouncer making 
 a flying tackle," says he. " What's the rush 
 order, anyway? " 
 
 " Cop! " says I, steppin' over to press the 
 button. " Ah, where 's that car in No. 4 chute? 
 Hey, up there on Floor 22! Think I'm ringin' 
 this bell just to hear the tinkle? Wake up ! " 
 
 " Cop, eh? " says Snap. " Who's the plain- 
 tiff? " 
 
 " The big boss, Mr. Ellins," says I. " Case
 
 202 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 of sandbaggin', or something like that. Say t 
 what you grinnin' at, Snap? ' 
 
 " Nothing much," says he; " only it's for me 
 you're collecting the cop. That's funny, ain't 
 it? " 
 
 " Go on ! " says I. " What could you be doin* 
 to " And then I got a glimmer. " Honest, 
 Snap," I goes on, " was that all? Just tryin' 
 to mug him? " 
 
 " That's the whole of it," says Snap. " And 
 I was conducting the negotiations as polite and 
 genteel as I knew how, with him dodging around 
 and cussing me like I was some strong arm 
 artist trying to lift his leather. My! but some 
 of these plutes are peevish ! And now he wants 
 me pinched, eh? Well, go on, Torchy. My peo- 
 ple will get me out by night, I guess, if they 
 aren't too busy. Blaze away! ' 
 
 " You was doin' it on order, I expect, eh, 
 Snap? " says I, wavin' for the elevator to go on 
 down. 
 
 " Sure," says he. "A must, too. Got to get 
 the negative in for the afterndon editions." 
 
 " What's the scandal? " says I. 
 
 " It's in all the morning papers," says he. 
 " Your boss has turned down a subpoena from 
 the Senate's special investigating committee 
 told 'em to go plump to blazes. So all the city 
 editors in town are howling for a double 
 column of his map to go on the front page. I've
 
 A LATE SCORE FOE VANDY 203 
 
 been laying for him for two hours; but all I've 
 accumulated so far is a quarter view of him 
 getting out of the limousine. He was onto me, 
 though, and proceeds to raise a riot. But it's 
 funny you should be the one to go for the cop. 
 Well? " 
 
 There it was, batted up to me fair and square. 
 And, say, if it had been any other camera jug- 
 gler in the business, I wouldn't have hung back 
 a minute. But Snap Collins ! Why, we used to 
 be on the Sunday edition together, and it was 
 him stood off that crazy Ed Miller, who wanted 
 to choke me for losin' a page of his bloomin' 
 copy. Just swung up a wooden bottomed desk 
 chair, Snap did, and advised Miller if he didn't 
 want an extra crack or two in his skull to keep 
 his hands off. And Miller weighin' a hundred 
 and ninety-five and assistant Sunday editor be- 
 sides! Course, Snap got the chuck for that, 
 and all I could do was grind my teeth at Miller 
 every time he went by. 
 
 11 What's the use, Snap?" says I. "You 
 know I ain't sickin' any cops onto you. Wait 
 here a minute." 
 
 With that I goes back through the gen'ral 
 offices and into Old Hickory's private room. 
 
 " Did you get Daley! " says he. 
 
 " I didn't try," says I. 
 
 " Eh? What's that! " he snorts. " You 
 didn't"
 
 204 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " I can't, Mr. Ellins," says I. " That pic- 
 ture man out there is Snap Collins, and he's a 
 friend of mine." 
 
 " Ha ! He is, eh? " bellows Old Hickory, and 
 for a second or two the way he glares at me 
 gives me chills down the back. Honest, I've 
 had to bluff through lively scenes now and then, 
 and once or twice I've been so scared inside it's 
 a wonder I didn't turn a permanent pea green; 
 but I never felt my knees quite so wabbly be- 
 fore. 
 
 I should have known better, though. Old 
 Hickory ain't any welsher himself, and the few 
 friends he has he sticks by through thick and 
 thin. So after that first blast he simmers down 
 a little, and pretty quick he gives them heavy 
 shoulders of his a sudden hunch. 
 
 " Huh! " he growls. " Then under those 
 circumstances, I suppose, I must well, send in 
 Mr. Piddie." 
 
 " Thanks, Mr. Ellins," says I. "I knew 
 you'd see how it was. And if you'll excuse my 
 sayin' so, it ain't any use to go on. Snap Col- 
 lins is bound to get you." 
 
 " Eh? " says Old Hickory. " Do you mean 
 to tell me, Boy, that I must submit to being 
 photographed by any scousy, low browed, 
 snooping footpad who takes it into his head 
 to" 
 
 " Say," I breaks in, " you don't get the idea,
 
 A LATE SCOEE FOE VANDY 205 
 
 Mr. Ellins. Snap don't want your portrait to 
 put over his mantel, or to wear in a locket. And 
 he ain't out on any picnic excursion, either. 
 It's his job. And behind him is every news- 
 paper in town, and papers in a thousand other 
 towns, all howlin' for a picture of you. Snap 
 ain't to blame for that. He's just out earnin' 
 his board money, same as most of us is. And in 
 his way he's a hummer, too." 
 
 " Really? " remarks Old Hickory, liftin' his 
 eyebrows sarcastic. 
 
 " That's what! " says I. " Maybe he ain't 
 very ornamental or imposin' to look at, and you 
 wouldn't want to know a milder or cheerfuller 
 party when he's off duty; but, say, send him 
 out with a seven by nine and orders to bring 
 back so and so, and I want to tell you that Snap 
 Collins '11 face anything, from machine guns to 
 grizzly bears. He'll rush that camera of his 
 into the thick of a strike riot where they're 
 usin' brickbats and nightsticks reckless, or he'll 
 smuggle it into a cathedral and take a flashlight 
 of a pontifical mass without any permit. And 
 smooth! Well, who else could have talked 
 Hetty Green into givin' a private sitting but 
 him? " 
 
 " So I suppose," comments Old Hickory, 
 " that I should allow him to hold me 
 up right on Broadway and take my picture, 
 eh? "
 
 206 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Didn't he say anything about coming up? " 
 says I. 
 
 " Didn't he? " snarls Mr. Ellins. " I should 
 say he did ! Had the confounded impudence to 
 suggest that I let him take me at my desk here, 
 in my private office ! ' ' 
 
 " Well, that's the way he gen 'rally works 
 it," says I. " He'll make a good one, too. And 
 if you don't let him do that he'll have to turn 
 in a chance shot, and they'll throw it up to four 
 times the size in the office, and paint out the 
 background, and line in the eyes, and by the 
 time they get through they'll have something 
 that'll look a little like you, but more like an 
 exhibit from the morgue. But they'll print it, 
 from here to Texas and back again, with your 
 name under it." 
 
 And I will say this for Old Hickory, that for 
 all his tabasco temper and chesty ways, he don't 
 go around with his ears plugged. He ain't so 
 old and so high and mighty but what he's willin' 
 to take a hunch now and then. He was listenin' 
 now, too. 
 
 " Rather a convincing presentation of the 
 case, young man," says he. " Still, it almost 
 seems that, if I can defy the Congress of the 
 United States, I ought to have enough back- 
 bone to " 
 
 " Ah, it ain't a case of backbone," says I. 
 ** Course, I don't know what them dubs in Con-
 
 A LATE SCOEE FOB VANDY 207 
 
 gress will do ; but you can bank on one thing, 
 Snap Collins never reports back without some 
 kind of a negative." 
 
 " And what do you advise, then? " says Mr. 
 Ellins, winkin' facetious at J. Vanderbeck, 
 who's lookin' wise and distinguished over by 
 the window. 
 
 " Why," says I, " have him in and get it over 
 with. So long as you've got to go on exhibition, 
 you might as well have something printed that 
 won't scare the children. If you say so, I'll 
 have him rush the job through. ' ' 
 
 " Well, well! " sighs Old Hickory, throwin* 
 up his hands. " Do it, then. Bring on Collins 
 the Undefeated. I can't promise to suspend 
 work, and if he doesn't clear out inside of five 
 minutes I may throw him through the door. 
 With that understanding, let him in." 
 
 All this time I hadn't been noticin' J. Van- 
 derbeck much. I'd just caught a glimpse of 
 him over the desk, listenin' int 'rested. But 
 when I'd towed Snap in, and was whisperin' to 
 him urgent to shake things up, I notices Vandy 
 edgin' over into the center of the stage. 
 
 " Excuse me," says Snap, wavin' him off, 
 w but I'm about to make an exposure." 
 
 " Oh, certainly," says Vandy, backin' away 
 sort of flustered. " Of course you don't want 
 me in the picture." 
 
 " Well, this isn't a group, you know," says
 
 208 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 Snap. " Now, if you'll hold that just a second, 
 Mr. Ellins thanks. All over. And I'm much 
 obliged, Sir." 
 
 " Get out! " growls Old Hickory. And with 
 a grateful grin my way Snap does a quick 
 exit. 
 
 " There, Vandy! " says Mr. Ellins. " You 
 see what we're coming to, mob rule, with the 
 yellow press urging on the rabble. And I've al- 
 ways sworn they should never have my picture 
 to print! " 
 
 " They don't bother me much for mine," re- 
 marks Vandy. And, would you believe it, he 
 heaves a deep sigh as he says it? 
 
 " Yours! " remarks Old Hickory, crisp and 
 cuttin'. " Now, that's odd, isn't it? " He 
 throws it off careless, without meanin' much, I 
 expect; but it's the one jab I ever saw get 
 through Vandy 's skin. You could see him 
 wince under it, and some of the color fades out 
 of his face. 
 
 11 Oh, I know! " says he husky and bitter. 
 " I'm a nobody! I've fooled away my life sit- 
 ting around clubs and taking things easy. I'n; 
 a bluff, that's all. And I had a better chance 
 than you did at the start, Dave Ellins. Per- 
 haps that was the trouble. I didn't have to do 
 things, and you did. And now they wouldn't 
 print my picture if I paid them for doing it, 
 while vou're known from one end of the coun-
 
 A LATE SCORE FOE VANDY 209 
 
 try to the other, and they send men chasing you 
 with cameras ! ' ' 
 
 Old Hickory stares at him from under the 
 bushy eyebrows for a minute, sort of aston- 
 ished and puzzled, and then he remarks, as 
 soothin' as he knows how, " There, there, 
 Vandy! Perhaps you haven't missed so much, 
 after all." 
 
 " But you don't know what it is to be the 
 other thing," says J. Vanderbeck, chokin' up 
 and startin' for the door. 
 
 And Old Hickory only shrugs his shoulders. 
 * ' Huh ! " he grunts. ' * I thought I knew all 
 there was to know of Vandy, too ! Here, Boy, 
 take these to the bond room." 
 
 Looked like another odd meeting-up when 
 that same afternoon Mr. Robert sends me up to 
 the Ellins house for something he'd forgot and 
 I finds Snap Collins once more, settin' up his 
 tripod just across the street. But it wa'n't 
 any miracle. 
 
 ' ' Got to have a picture of the Ellins mansion 
 for the morning editions," explains Snap, 
 screwin' on the big plate camera. " And, say, 
 Torchy, this is the part of the game that gets 
 my goat." 
 
 " Why, this ought to be a cinch," says I. 
 
 " That's it," says Snap. " Any fool re- 
 porter could do this well enough. But no, they 
 must send me packing up here with this sixty-
 
 210 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 pound gallery outfit. I'm no truck horse, you 
 know. Now, I don't mind trailing down people 
 like Mr. Ellins, there's some sport in that, 
 but this sort of thing! Bah! " 
 
 " Gee, Snap! " says I. "I never knew you 
 was a grouch. Have you told 'em at the shop! '' 
 
 " Have If " says he. " For the last three 
 years I've been at the Syndicate to give me a 
 chance at outside work. I should have been in 
 on that Mexican muss. Say, I'd have sent in 
 some pictures that were pictures! And look 
 what I've missed by not being over there in 
 North Africa, or China! What have we been 
 getting from that China affair, anyway? A lot 
 of long range amateur stuff not worth cutting 
 column rules for. Say, I'd like to show 'em 
 some real war pictures. I'd get in behind the 
 guns, and show 'em the smoke, and the blood, 
 and heaps of dead. But instead of that I'm kept 
 plugging around New York, taking fire pictures, 
 and doing such work as this. And they won't 
 even let me sign my stuff, either! " 
 
 11 Sign it! " says I. 
 
 " Why not! " demands Snap. " Any mut\, 
 of a third rate magazine illustrator has his 
 autograph scrawled on every bum picture he 
 draws, don't he? And the punk story writers 
 get their names printed, too. But me, after 
 I've spent years learning how to make a good 
 news picture under any conditions and in any
 
 A LATE SCORE FOB VANDY 211 
 
 light, and maybe risked my neck to get where 
 I could press the bulb, I'm not even allowed to 
 scratch my initials on the plate. Bah ! I could 
 ring in more coin running a postcard joint down 
 at Coney Island. Now watch me shoot the El- 
 lins mansion! Thrilling cut this is going to 
 make, too just a bare house. Not even any- 
 body to stand on the front steps." 
 
 And just as Snap growls that out I sees a 
 familiar figure stroll out of the swell clubhouse 
 on the corner. 
 
 " Would it help havin' someone on the 
 steps? " says I. 
 
 " Of course it would," says he, "if it was 
 someone that looked as though they belonged 
 there. ' ' 
 
 " Then wait a minute," says I. "I think I 
 can play this two ways and let you both win. 
 Hey, Mr. Smith! " 
 
 Sure, it was Vandy I'd spotted. No, he 
 didn't mind at all posin' on the Ellins' front 
 steps. All he was curious about was to know 
 where the picture might be printed. 
 
 11 Oh, in a couple of hundred papers, all 
 over," says Snap. " And it adds a lot, Mr. 
 Smith, to have someone in the foreground; 
 gives the human touch, you know." 
 
 " I see," says Vandy. " Now, how will this 
 do so? " 
 
 And, say, when I left they was gettin' real
 
 212 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 chummy. I had to grin, too, when I see the 
 cuts in the mornin' papers; for there's J. Van- 
 derbeck Smith, lookin' handsome and dis- 
 tinguished, on all the front pages. 
 
 * ' "Well, he 's got his wish at last ! ' ' thinks I. 
 
 But that ain't all. Almost every day since 
 then he's been appearing now loomin' up in 
 the front row of a crowd inspectin' some fire 
 ruins, then showin' in the corner of a group 
 surroundin' some distinguished foreign visi- 
 tor, and the next formin' part of the back- 
 ground in a scene where the President is layin' 
 a cornerstone. 
 
 Talk about bein' well advertised! "Why, 
 there's only a few patent medicine doctors and 
 grand opera stars that 's got anything on Vandy. 
 
 I got so excited over it yesterday, when he fig- 
 ures in two diff 'rent pictures, that I has to call 
 Snap Collins up over the 'phone and ask him 
 about it. 
 
 " Got it, did you? " says Snap gleeful. 
 
 II Say, they're all getting on. And it's working 
 fine. They've given me that foreign commis- 
 sion, Torchy. We're starting abroad for the 
 scene of conflict next Wednesday." 
 
 " What we? " says I. 
 " Why, me and Mr. Smith," says Snap. 
 " Vandy? " says I. " What's he goin' for? " 
 " Why, because he likes it, for one thing," 
 says Snap. " He's going to write a book about
 
 A LATE SCORE FOB VANDY 213 
 
 it, I guess. Besides, I need him. He's my 
 signature, you know." 
 
 And, say, if that ain't passin' two through on 
 the same rain check, what is, eh? But workin' 
 in Vandy as a sig! That gets mel
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 TORCHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 
 
 " AH ! what do you want for eight per, a spe- 
 cial ambassador? " That and other remarks 
 along the same line was what I had a good no- 
 tion to hand Mr. Robert only I didn't. And, 
 as it turned out, I didn't have to. 
 
 You see, it was all on account of his allowin' 
 business to interfere with his social duties. So 
 right in the middle of a busy forenoon, while 
 he was dictatin' letters and signin' documents 
 and keepin' a directors' meeting waitin', he 
 suddenly runs across something in the mornin* 
 mail that makes him drop everything else and 
 press the buzzer for me. 
 
 " Yes, Sir? " says I, slidin' in and winkin' 
 respectful at the lady stenographer, who's got 
 her pencil in the air. 
 
 " Torchy," says he, " what do you know 
 about buying a christening present for a 
 baby? " 
 
 " Not a blamed thing," says I. 
 
 ' * I can hardly believe it, ' ' says he. ' ' Why, I 
 supposed there was no department of human 
 knowledge in which you were not but never 
 
 214
 
 215 
 
 mind that now. I want you to go out and buy 
 one." 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I, givin' the prompt salute. 
 
 "Ah-h-h!' : says he, sighin' relieved. 
 " That's the way to talk! It's for the Kent- 
 Jackson baby. There's the address, here's a 
 twenty-dollar bill, and " business with- the 
 fountain pen " here's a card with my com- 
 pliments. The christening is at five this after- 
 noon. You get that present there before three, 
 anyway. ' ' 
 
 " Sure thing," says I, gatherin' in the 
 twenty and the card and startin' out. 
 
 " But, I say, Torchy," says he, just as I'm 
 closin' the door, " what do you think of get- 
 ting? " 
 
 " Ain't thought yet," says I. " Is it a boy 
 or a girl? ' 
 
 11 Boy," says he. 
 
 * * Cinch ! ' ' says I. * ' Gold mounted silk sus- 
 penders." 
 
 The lady stenographer gasps and near has a 
 chokin' fit. 
 
 11 Well? " says Mr. Kobert to her. " Any 
 suggestions? ' 
 
 " Isn't it the proper thing," says she, " to 
 send a silver mug, or a " 
 
 " Mug it is," says Mr. Eobert. " Hear that, 
 Torchy? Well, get a good one. Have it en- 
 graved K-J, and don't deliver it to a servant,
 
 216 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 who might mislay it. Give it to Mrs. Kent- 
 Jackson herself." 
 
 " I get you," says I, makin' a break before 
 he can mess up the sailin' orders with more de- 
 tails; and, without stoppin' to ease Mr. Piddie's 
 mind as to why I'm quittin' before lunch, I 
 beats it for the express elevator. 
 
 Course, I'm wise as to why Mr. Robert is in 
 such a sweat to get that baby present in on time. 
 It's plain he's forgot all about this christenin' 
 stunt, and the baby too, most likely ; and it hap- 
 pens that Mr. T. Kent- Jackson, besides bein' 
 one of our big customers, is a club chum of his. 
 So it would be a bad break for him to pass 
 up the young heir that way. Hence the 
 call for fair haired Claude to come to the 
 rescue. 
 
 Never havin' shopped much for baby mugs, I 
 wa'n't dead sure just where to begin; but I 
 takes a chance on the biggest jew'lry store I 
 can find on Fifth-ave. And, say, it was easy! 
 Why, in no time at all I'm up on the second 
 floor and a nice, smooth talkin' young Charley- 
 clerk is showin' me cases full of nothing but 
 silver things. 
 
 11 How about this? " says I, pointin' to a 
 three-handled affair. 
 
 " Very superior article," says he. " It can 
 be used either as a loving cup or as a stein, 
 and"
 
 TORCHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 217 
 
 " Take it away," says I. " Did I ask for 
 beer steins? Show me just mugs." 
 
 " Oh, certainly," says he, crisp and pettish, 
 like his feelin's had been hurt. 
 
 But I had no time to waste on soothnr him 
 down. Besides, I'd got my eye on something 
 that just seemed to fill the bill. It's a gold 
 lined silver mug with a cute little shelf effect 
 on the inside, sort of a strainer, I judged, and I 
 puts the tag on that. The duffer made me hang 
 around an hour while he put through a rush 
 order on the old English initials; but about 
 half -past eleven I've got the thing all done up 
 in a nice satin box and am under way for the 
 Kent-Jacksons. 
 
 And, say, I knew how he'd been coniin' to 
 the front these last few years, as a promoter 
 of the steamship pool and all that; but I sure 
 wa'n't lookin' to find him spread out in such a 
 swell tent as this double-breasted mansion on 
 Riverside Drive. It's a reg'lar brewer's palace, 
 with an iron grill across the front door like the 
 entrance to a bank vault. The butler that an- 
 swers my ring is most as imposin' as the house, 
 and the minute he cops the package under my 
 arm he begins sputterin' and wavin' me to the 
 rear. 
 
 11 Ah, pickle that, old Sideboards! " says I. 
 " This ain't a case of tradespeople to the back 
 door; it's a special messenger with a christen-
 
 218 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 in' gift to be delivered. Does that sink inf " 
 
 It don't. I could see that by the blank look 
 on his face. 
 
 " Here, then," I goes on, fishin' Mr. Robert's 
 card out of my pocket, " lug that in to Mrs. 
 Kent-Jackson and tell her how Sunny Haired 
 Hank waits below! " 
 
 Honest, if I was hirin' a butler, I'd pick one 
 with less beef and more brains. He reads the 
 card all through, turns it upside down, ex- 
 amines the back, and then goes off, leavin' me 
 outside standin' on a rubber mat that has 
 " Welcome " worked into it in four-inch letters. 
 Seemed like I stood there half an hour, though 
 maybe it was less; but when old Solid Ivory 
 shows up again he swings the door wide open. 
 
 " Beg pardon, Sir," says he. " You're to 
 step in." 
 
 " I will if my feet ain't froze to the mat," 
 says I. " Where do I find the lady? " 
 
 He bows real humble and explains how Mrs. 
 Kent- Jackson begs me to wait in the lib'ry 
 until she has finished superintendin' the young 
 master's bath. 
 
 ' ' It may be half an hour, Sir, ' ' says he ; " not 
 more than three-quarters, at most. She's very 
 sorry, Sir." 
 
 " All right," says I. " Tell her not to weep 
 in the tub." 
 
 And with that he leads me through a big hall
 
 TORCH Y'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 219 
 
 lined with tin armor and marble statuary, into 
 a big room all done in stained oak and red 
 leather, after which he marches off with his nose 
 in the air. 
 
 I'd only tried three of the chairs, and war 
 tryin' to puzzle out what the picture over the 
 fireplace was meant for, when I hears stealthy 
 footsteps comin' through the conservatory on 
 the left, and I swings around, to discover a 
 little, dried up old gent doin' the sleuthy sneak 
 through the room. 
 
 By the gumshoe tread and the black leather- 
 ette bag he carries, I might have put him down 
 as a daylight second story worker makin' off 
 with the fam'ly jewels; but the Eube costume 
 he's wearin' and the mild, gentle, old blue eyes 
 don 't tally with that description at all. With the 
 funny, back number, short tailed cutaway, the 
 low cut celluloid collar, and the big silver watch 
 chain, he sure was a queer lookin' gink to be 
 wanderin' around in a flossy ranch like that. 
 
 He has his old slouch hat in his hand, and he's 
 gazin' around admirin' at the pictures and fur- 
 niture. First off he don't see me, and as he 
 passes one of them big easy chairs he stops, sets 
 his bag down, and tests the cushions cautious 
 with one hand. He was just rubbin' his fingers 
 sort of caressin' over the smooth leather when 
 something makes him turn his head and he gets 
 his lamps on me.
 
 220 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " H'm, excuse me," says he, startin' back 
 guilty and grabbin' up Ms bag. 
 
 " Don't mention it," says I. " I'm buttin' 
 in too. Mug for the youngster. What you 
 delivering Uncle? " 
 
 " Me? " says he. " Why why, nothing. 
 I've been sort of stopping here." 
 
 " Sounds fishy, Uncle," says I; " but maybe 
 you'll get away with it. You don't mean to 
 throw the bluff you're visitin' the Kent- 
 Jacksons? " 
 
 " Why, yes," says he: " that is, I was. I'm 
 Pa Jackson." 
 
 'What!" says I. "Father of T. Kent- 
 Jackson! " 
 
 " Tommy's my boy," says he. " And, say, 
 this is quite a house he's got, eh! ' 
 
 11 It's a classy wigwam, all right," says I. 
 
 " Seen the things in the front hall, them 
 suits of armor and the statues? " says he. 
 
 " I got a glimpse as I come through," 
 says I. 
 
 " There's more in the dining room," says he, 
 " and oil paintings everywhere. Cost a lot of 
 money, all them things ; but I guess Tommy can 
 afford 'em. Yes, yes. I suppose I ought to 
 be going, though. ' ' 
 
 " What, before the doin's this afternoon! ' 
 says I. 
 
 " That christening's what I came on for,"
 
 TORCH Y'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 221 
 
 says he, " all the way from Manistee; but 
 but I've changed my mind about staying." 
 
 There's a kind of break in his voice as he says 
 this, and the faded old blue eyes sort of dims 
 up; so I suspects there's something more he 
 ain't told. 
 
 " Why, that's too bad, ain't it? " says I. 
 " Business draggin' you back? " 
 
 " No, it ain't that," says he, settlin' down 
 easy on the chair arm. " It's on account of 
 this Lady Collamer." 
 
 " Who's she, mother-in-law? " says I. 
 
 " Aunt," says he, " to Tommy's wife. Come 
 unexpected yesterday from England. How's 
 that, eh? Maybe you didn't know Tommy's 
 wife had such high flown relations? I didn't 
 myself until here the other day. Course, I knew 
 she was English, and that Tommy met her while 
 he was over there on business; but I didn't 
 dream he'd married into the nobility, as you 
 might say, until I heard about Lady Collamer. 
 Say, but they're a mighty stiff necked lot, ain't 
 they? " 
 
 " So I've heard," says I. " But what about 
 you and the old girl? Didn't hit it off well at 
 first, eh? " 
 
 * ' Lordy, no ! " says Pa Jackson. ' ' I tried 
 to be real sociable too; but, as usual, first time 
 I opened my mouth I put my foot in it. That 
 was when we was introduced."
 
 222 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " What sort of a break did you make? " 
 says I. 
 
 " Why," says he, chucklin' quiet, " I got the 
 name twisted. l Lady Cucumber, is it? ' says 
 I. ' Colla-mer,' says she, ' not Cucumber.* 
 And by the time she'd got through staring at 
 me through them long handled gold specs of 
 hers I was shriveled up to most nothing at all." 
 
 Seems Pa Jackson was just achin' to confide 
 in someone, and he was lettin' loose on me. 
 He says while his son Tommy was around he 
 felt more or less to home, and had meant to 
 stick it out for a few days, in spite of Lady Col- 
 lamer. But he 'd been up ever since five o 'clock 
 that mornin', roamin' around the house dodgin' 
 the servants and dreadin' to meet the old girl 
 again, and it had just naturally got on his 
 nerves. At last he decides he can't stand it 
 any longer; so he'd packed his things and was 
 takin' one final look around Son Tommy's big 
 house when he runs across me. 
 
 " Course," he says, " I don't know what 
 Tommy will think, my slipping off this way; 
 but I guess it's best. I ain't much on style, and 
 this Lady Collamer's a mighty grand sort of 
 person, I tell you! What she thinks of me, I 
 wouldn't dare to guess, and even if I hadn't 
 called her Lady Cucumber, I expect Oh, 
 Lordy! here she comes now! " 
 
 He'd heard the rustle of stiff silk and the
 
 TOECHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 223 
 
 heavy step on the hardwood floor as soon as I 
 had, and he'd grabbed his bag and hat before 
 you could think twice. But at that he was too 
 late; for there, loomin' up solid and massive 
 between the draperies, is a fat, purple faced old 
 party with a hard, cold look in her eyes, gazin' 
 at us stern and disapprovin'. Under one arm 
 she's luggin' a fat, wheezy, little old pug dog, 
 and as she reaches for her lorgnette she drops 
 him on the floor. Pa Jackson stands there star- 
 in' at her with his mouth half open, like he'd 
 been hypnotized. 
 
 " Ugh! " says she, takin' a squint at him. 
 " That odious person again! " 
 
 " Yes'm," says he, bowin' awkward. 
 
 " Humph! " she snorts; and then, turnin' 
 to me, she snaps out, " Who are you, pray? ' 
 
 " Guilty," says I. "I mean I'm just Torchy. 
 Honest, Lady, I don't belong to the fam'ly. 
 I'm waitin' to leave a christenin' present for 
 the kid." 
 
 " Kid! " she gasps. " Another odious per- 
 son." 
 
 " Yep," says I, " number two." 
 
 ' ' Humph ! ' ' she snorts again, and with that 
 she sails between us towards the conservatory, 
 the fat pug wheezin' along behind. 
 
 Where the Boston bull terrier had been con- 
 cealed all this time I expect I'll never know; 
 but he must have been on the scent and layin'
 
 224 TRYING OUT TOECHT 
 
 for puggy, for all of a sudden lie scoots through 
 on the jump, lands on the pug with all four 
 feet and his mouth open, and for the next few 
 seconds the lib'ry was an excitin' place. There 
 was growls from the terrier, and howls and 
 ki-yi's and toenail scratchin' by the pug, with 
 Lady Collamer squealin' for help and hoppin' 
 round wringin' her hands. 
 
 Being right on the spot, it was up to me and 
 Pa Jackson ; and I must say that the calm way 
 the old gent dove in and grabbed the terrier by 
 the neck was all to the scientific. Between my 
 pullin' away at the pug, and Pa Jackson's pry- 
 in' open the terrier's teeth with his fingers, the 
 heroic rescue was made in record time. 
 
 Having his fun spoiled in that fashion made 
 the Boston bull some ugly, and he starts in to 
 chew up the old sport's wrist. But Pa Jackson 
 was a dog tamer from up the creek. He pro- 
 ceeds to shake off the pup, and as he drops 
 him he executes as neat a kick as if he was a 
 star punter on some college eleven. And by the 
 time the yelps had died out as the terrier gets 
 nearer the attic, and the butler and three maids 
 has been sent to lock him up, and the pug has 
 been restored to the protectin' arms of Lady 
 Collamer, the old girl was ready to extend her 
 vote of thanks. There's no denyin', too, but 
 that she did it generous and handsome. 
 
 " And so," she says, after that's off her
 
 TOECHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 225 
 
 mind, " you are the father of Evelyn's hus- 
 band, are you! ' 
 
 11 Yes, Lady Cu-Cull " begins Pa Jackson, 
 tryin' to make a society bow and get the name 
 straight at the same time. 
 
 " Collamer," says she, helpin' him out. 
 " And for Heaven's sake stop bobbing your 
 head that way! Sit down, too, both of you." 
 
 Well, we sat, Pa Jackson only venturin' to 
 squat on the edge of his chair, and still holdin* 
 his hat. 
 
 ' * Now tell me, Mr. Jackson, ' ' says she, ' ' why 
 you are mooning about the house with that 
 traveling bag? You were not thinking of leav- 
 ing before the christening ceremony, were 
 you? " 
 
 " Why er ye-e-es," says Pa Jackson. 
 
 " What! " she explodes, glarin' at him. 
 
 " No, no; not at all," says he. "I was 
 er that is " 
 
 " Ah, back up! " says I, breakin' in. * " You 
 know you were beating it; you told me so." 
 
 ' ' Ah ha ! ' ' says she. t ' And for what rea- 
 son, I should like to know? ' 
 
 Pa Jackson glances at me reproachful and 
 makes a stagger at explainin'. " Why," he 
 goes on, "I thought I might as well clear out 
 now. I only came on for a short stop, you. 
 know, and well, the fact is, I ought to be get- 
 ting back to Manistee."
 
 226 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Humph! " says Lady Collamer. " I don't 
 believe a word of it! Boy, do you know any- 
 thing more? " 
 
 " Sure! " says I. "It was a case of cold 
 feet." 
 
 " Cold feet! " says she. " Meaning what, 
 now? " 
 
 " Why, you had him scared stiff, that's all," 
 says I, " and, as long as you've put me on the 
 stand, I might as well say that it don't strike 
 me as a square deal. He's the youngster's 
 grandfather, ain't he? And it seems he ought 
 to cut some figure at the christenin'." 
 
 " Quite right," says the old lady. "So he 
 shall. I mean to attend to that myself. First 
 of all, though, we must get better acquainted. 
 Tell me about your -son. ' ' 
 
 " About Tommy? " says Pa Jackson. 
 
 " Certainly," says Lady Collamer. " To be 
 sure, he's an American; but I like him very 
 tnuch. He seems to be a manly, capable young 
 fellow." 
 
 " Tommy always was a good boy," says Pa 
 Jackson, brushin' his eyes with the back of his 
 hand. 
 
 11 Was he born out there in in that unheard 
 of place where you live ? ' ' says Lady Collamer. 
 
 " Tommy? " says Pa Jackson. " Why, no, 
 Tommy was born right in New York. You 
 know, I was in business here myself once ; same
 
 TORCHY'S BONEHEAD HUNCH 227 
 
 line too, steamship agent. We were doing well, 
 and I was planning some day to have a nice 
 home, maybe not quite so fine as this, but al- 
 most, for we were making money fast in those 
 days, when something happened that ended 
 it all." 
 
 " Yes! " says Lady Collamer. " Go on." 
 11 It's a matter I ain't talked much about foi 
 a good many years," says Pa Jackson. " But 
 I had a partner, a young Englishman, bright 
 and smart and good natured. I thought aa 
 much of him as if he'd been a brother. It was 
 making money so fast that spoiled him. He 
 wanted to spend his share as it came in, fine 
 clothes, fast horses, wine, and all the rest. He 
 got in with a bad lot. I didn't know how bad 
 they were, though, until late one night when he 
 staggered into my front door with a bullet in 
 his shoulder. That wa'n't the worst, either. 
 He said he'd killed a man. There had been a 
 row in a gambling place. He'd been shot, and 
 he'd shot back. And before morning he told 
 me the rest. He'd lost a lot of money, and a 
 good deal of it was mine. Well, what could I 
 do? Pie was like a brother to me, mind you. 
 I kept him under cover, the wife and I nursed 
 him until he was well enough to travel, and then 
 I put him aboard a steamer for England. And, 
 after all, as it turned out, the other fellow got 
 well too. But our business had gone to smash*
 
 228 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 I took what was left, and with little Tommy and 
 his mother we went West. I've been there ever 
 since, working and scraping to give Tommy the 
 chance I had once. Tommy's had it, and he's 
 made good too. So I'm satisfied." 
 
 Say, that was some of a yarn to dig up from a 
 quiet little old chap like Pa Jackson! I'd been 
 followin' it so close too, that I hadn't noticed 
 how Lady Collamer was takin' it until just at 
 the finish I glanced over to see her with her 
 hands grippin' the chair arms and a diff'rent 
 look in her eyes. 
 
 " This young Englishman's name," says she, 
 
 II was it Kendall? " 
 
 11 Why, yes," says he. " Bryce Kendall. 
 You didn't happen to know him, did you? ' 
 
 " I did," says she. " That was my son's 
 name before he came into the title and became 
 Lord Collamer. And if you are the Thomas 
 Jackson named in his will, there is still held in 
 trust for you the estate of Chipping Sodbury 
 in Devonshire." 
 
 " Well, well! " says Pa Jackson. " Left me 
 a place over there, did he? ' 
 
 1 ' The finest in the county, ' ' says Lady Colla- 
 mer. " I trust you will go back with me and 
 occupy it. It adjoins mine, and I'm sure I 
 should like you for a neighbor." 
 
 11 Why, thank you," says Pa Jackson, 
 " that's mighty nice of you to say, and I guess
 
 you and I'd get along as neighbors first rate, 
 after all. But Manistee's more my style. In 
 fact, the train I was thinking of taking leaves 
 in about " 
 
 " Thomas Jackson," says Lady Collamer, 
 " put down that bag! I'm going to have a 
 talk with Evelyn about you and Why, here 
 she is now! " 
 
 Well, say, as it was past my lunch hour, and 
 as I wa'n't strictly in this fam'ly love feast, 
 I hands over the package to Mrs. Kent- Jackson 
 and slides out to where the fat butler was wait- 
 in' to shoo me through the door. And at two- 
 fifteen I presents Mr. Eobert with the receipt 
 I'd made the jewl'ry clerk give me. 
 
 " Here, Torchy," he sings out, " what does 
 this mean! " 
 
 " Price ticket on the christenin' present," 
 says I. " And here's the change. Ain't it 
 right? " 
 
 " Eight!" he howls. "Why, you scarlet 
 topped young imp, you've made me send a sil- 
 ver shaving mug to a three-months-old baby ! ' : 
 
 " Gee! " says I. "So that shelf was for 
 soap, was it? Well, maybe he'll grow to it, 
 seem' he's a boy." 
 
 Which may disguise, but don't work any 
 revise on the fact that I'm in bad with Mr. Eob- 
 ert, just the same. And it lasts until he blows 
 in from luncheon next day. Instead of his
 
 230 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 i' the gate and nishin' past my desk, 
 though, I looks up to find him standin' there 
 grinnin' at me amiable. 
 
 " I've been having a talk with Kent- Jackson, 
 Torchy," says he. 
 
 11 Uh-huhf " says I. " Sore about the shav- 
 en' mug, was he? " 
 
 " Hardly," says Mr. Eobert. " He thinks 
 you're a wonder-something about the way you 
 smoothed matters out between his old dad, 
 whom he thinks a heap of, and his wife's aunt. 
 Now just how did you manage it? " 
 
 " Me? " says I. " Why, it was the old gent 
 himself, tellin' the story of his life without 
 waitin' for the music cue. All I did was mix 
 in a little at the start. Honest, it was Pa Jack- 
 son got the good hunch."
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 
 
 AND I thought I was some shunter, too. Why, 
 that very mornin' I'd given the run to four or 
 five smooth conversers that had tried to get 
 through the brass gate, each with his own pri- 
 vate earache to deliver to Old Hickory or Mr. 
 Eobert. I'd sifted 'em out from a lot of peo- 
 ple that had a right to get by, and I was feelin' 
 puffed up and chesty "over the way I'd done it. 
 
 Yet look how Lola rushes me off my feet at 
 the first whirl. You see, I was busy just then 
 exchangin' a few kiddin' remarks with one of 
 the lady typists across the office, and I had my 
 back to the door; when all of a sudden there 
 comes this swishy, rustlin' noise, and I looks 
 up, to have my eyes dazzled by a vision in lemon 
 yellow. 
 
 Talk about your poster effects! Say, here 
 was a female party about seventeen hands high, 
 the same width all the way up and down, and 
 costumed in that new shade that looks like the 
 inside of a squash pie, with a smashin' big yel- 
 low straw lid on top of a lot of benzine blonde 
 hair. Maybe it wa'n't some brilliant color 
 
 231
 
 232 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 scheme, too! She has a reg'lar giraffe neck, 
 and one of these long meatax faces with pale 
 green eyes, a face that you could see once and 
 then wake up out of a sound sleep a month 
 later and remember accurate. 
 
 Jarred? Say, believe me, I didn't know 
 whether it was really so, or if I'd gone color 
 blind all to once! But before I has time to 
 make up my mind she has sprung the gate 
 catch, walked in, and is snuggled up close pat- 
 tin' me on the shoulder. 
 
 11 Tell me, my dear little fellow," says she, 
 lettin' it come out cooin' and gurgly, " is Rob- 
 ert er young Mr. Ellins, you know is he 
 in?" 
 
 " Mr. Robert? " says I, gawpin' up at her 
 with my mouth open, " why I I better take 
 in your name, I guess, Miss." 
 
 " Oh, no, no! Let's not do that," says she, 
 slippin' her arm around my neck and cuddlin' 
 me up real impetuous. ' ' It will be so delicious 
 to surprise him at his desk, don't you see! I 
 want to know just how he looks that way, when 
 he's expecting no one. Come! Allans nous! 
 The surprise ! ' ' 
 
 And the next thing I know I'm on my feet, 
 and she's huggin' me up with one of them long 
 yellow arms, and I 'id bein' paraded past a 
 whole line of grinnin' typewriter girls, bang up 
 to the door of Mr. Robert's private office and
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 233 
 
 through it, without makin' so much as a 
 struggle. Foolish? Why, say, a kitten with 
 his feet stuck in flypaper couldn't have felt 
 worse ! 
 
 But, silly as I must have looked, with her 
 still holdin' the clinch, that wa'n't a marker to 
 the flat expression that spreads over Mr. Rob- 
 ert's face when he swings around and sees us. 
 We'd pulled off the surprise, all right; but 
 whether he really did think of crawlin' under 
 the desk or jumpin' for the fire escape, I could- 
 n't make out. 
 
 " Why, Miss Macintosh! " he gasps. 
 
 " Oh, Eobert! " says she, reprovin'. " After 
 I had told you that you might call me Lola, 
 too! " 
 
 " Ah er yes, that's so," says he. And 
 then turnin' to me sharp, " Torchy, you may 
 send in Mr. Piddie. At once, understand! ' 
 
 " Yes, Sir, right away, Sir," says I, squirm- 
 in' loose and makin' my escape. I didn't los 
 any time in findin' Piddie, either. " Piddie,' 1 
 says I, " did you see it? " 
 
 " The tall young lady in yellow! " says he. 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. " Chase in; it's your 
 turn to get hugged." 
 
 Whether she passed it as far as Piddie or not, 
 I can 't say ; but it was half an hour before Lola 
 shows up again, and on her way out she stops to 
 hand me a partin' squeeze.
 
 234 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " You dear boy! " she cooes. " I've been 
 hearing all about you from Robert." 
 
 "Huh!" says I. "Don't swallow it al?. 
 He's a kidder, Mr. Robert is." 
 
 * ' A what ? ' ' says Lola. * * But, there, I must- 
 n't stay now. You're coming up to see me 
 sometime, you know, and we're to have a nice 
 long chat. Meanwhile I am going to give you 
 one of my little books, and when I see you again 
 you must tell me how you like it. Au revoir, 
 Torchy." 
 
 And out she floats, leavin' me gazin' at a 
 dinky little affair bound in white and gold, 
 with this on the cover: 
 
 LILTINGS 
 
 by 
 LOLA MACINTOSH 
 
 " Gee! " thinks I. " What's Liltings '! " 
 With that I opens her up and strikes this 
 sample ! 
 
 Two gray gulls wheel 
 In the gray, gray sky 
 Soar on, O soul of mine ! 
 For he comes, he comes, 
 And the dawn is nigh, 
 And he is wholly thine. 
 
 I'd just gone over it for the second time, 
 tryin' to find out what it was all about, when
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 235 
 
 out comes Mr. Robert, flushed up sort of 
 grouchy and sheepish. 
 
 ' ' Look ! ' ' says I, exhibitin ' the book. ' ' Hon- 
 est graft. ' ' 
 
 11 I know," says he, sighin' weary. " She 
 never misses a chance." 
 
 " Well, that's one way of boomin' a circula- 
 tion," says I. " But, say, I never knew lady 
 poets was such chummy parties." 
 
 " Then you've added that much to your stock 
 of wisdom," says Mr. Eobert. " But why in 
 the name of all that's great, young man, did you 
 rush her into my office without warning? " 
 
 " Who, me? " says I. " Ah, say, did I look 
 like I was doin' the rushin'? Say, I'd like to 
 know what you'd do if she ever gets that fond 
 clinch on you and " 
 
 11 There, there ! " breaks in Mr. Eobert. " If 
 you don't mind, we will not discuss the pos- 
 sibility. The situation is bad enough as it 
 stands. I have promised to take tea with her 
 this afternoon." 
 
 " Gee! " says I. " Then you're one of the 
 gray gulls." 
 
 11 Eh? " says he. 
 
 " Page 29 in ' Liltings,' " says I. " You 
 better read the book." 
 
 Mr. Robert, though, claims he can prove an 
 alibi, and goes on to say how this is a strictly 
 business proposition. Seems Lola is more or
 
 236 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 less of a lady plute as well as a lady poet, and 
 among other knicknacks that's been handed on 
 to her is some Mesaba Eange property that the 
 Corrngated would like to annex to their iron 
 holdings. Havin' met Lola crossin' from Liver- 
 pool a couple of summers ago, and havin' had 
 a good deal of her society on the trip over, Mr. 
 Eobert takes a chance on droppin' a personal 
 note to her makin' an offer. Hence the morn- 
 in' visit. 
 
 " All of which," goes on Mr. Eobert, " inter- 
 ests you to this extent, I've decided to take 
 you with me when I go up there after 
 luncheon. ' ' 
 
 " Just as much obliged, Mr. Eobert," says 
 I; " but there's liable to be a rush on this after- 
 noon, and I guess I'd better stick around here." 
 
 " Then you have one more guess," says he. 
 11 We start at three-fifteen for the tea." 
 
 That's what we did, too, and I don't know as 
 I ever saw him quite so near havin' fidgets. 
 He has plenty of chance to work up a case; for 
 the place we was headed for was one of these 
 On-the-Hudson joints up beyond Yonkers. He 
 says the house is named Aurora Lodge. 
 
 ' ' Must be some swell, then, ' ' says I. * ' Did- 
 n't make it all peddlin' pomes, did she? " 
 
 " Hardly," says Mr. Eobert. " The Mac- 
 intosh fortune, I understand, was made by 
 sellin' a hair restorer. There is one of the ads
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 237 
 
 now in the end of the car: ' Macintosh's Anti- 
 Bald: Hair Back or Money Back.' : 
 
 " No wonder she can be so reckless with her 
 poetry books! " says I. " But, say, Mr. Rob- 
 ert, just where do I fit in at these tea doings'? ' 
 
 " I wish I knew," says he. " The fact is, 
 Torchy, that Miss Macintosh is of a er well, 
 she has rather an affectionate nature." 
 
 "Yes, I noticed that," says I. "But I 
 played goat this mornin'." 
 
 " So you did," says he. " And this after- 
 noon it may happen that well, hang it all, Boy y 
 you ought to understand! " 
 
 " Sure! " says I. " She's liable to go to a 
 clinch with you. That it? " 
 
 " If there shouldn't chance to be anyone else 
 handy, yes," says he. " And my idea was that 
 if you were there you might, in that event 
 er create a diversion, you know." 
 
 " Start something, eh? " says I. 
 
 " Precisely," says he. " Of course, I trust 
 it may not be necessary; but I've had one ex- 
 perience, on the steamer; narrow shave, by 
 Jove! I don't care to risk another. And this 
 business affair may take us off into some se- 
 cluded corner, you see." 
 
 * ' I get the picture, ' ' says I. * * Lola develops 
 a loppy streak, and there you are. But suppose 
 I've been shut out? " 
 
 " You can be within hearing distance, at
 
 238 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 least," says Mr. Robert. " I'll tell you: I will 
 cough twice." 
 
 11 Which will be my cue to cut loose, eh? 
 I'm on," says I. " But what then I Do I start 
 a bonfire, or throw a fit, or chuck a cat through 
 the window? " 
 
 " Anything," says Mr. Robert, " providing 
 you break up the scene. I'll stand for any- 
 thing." 
 
 " Huh! " says I. " Then it will be a case of 
 thinkin' quick and actin' quicker. I hope I 
 don't have paralysis of the nut then." 
 
 11 If you do," says he, " it will be the first 
 time on record." 
 
 Well, say, that was some order, wa'n't it I 
 And the more I thought it over, the chillier I 
 got below the ankles; so by the time we landed 
 at Aurora Lodge there was a pair of us. 
 
 We was met in style at the station with a 
 limousine, and snaked off a couple of miles and 
 through a big pair of stone gates and up in 
 front of an imitation stone castle, and bowed in 
 through the double front doors by a butler. 
 A minute more, and Lola comes floatin' down 
 stairs all costumed in three different shades 
 of yellow, with a yellow rose in her hair, 
 and lookin' a mile high and three inches 
 through. 
 
 We gets a warm greetin' that only stopped 
 short of a football tackle, and then she tows us
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 239 
 
 into a forty-foot drawin ' room full of gilt chairs 
 and gold pianos and marble statues, and there 
 we discovers the only other entry. He turns out 
 to be a bilious complected shrimp with shell 
 rimmed eyeglasses and a wonderful growth of 
 mud colored hair. 
 
 " Robert," says Lola, " let me present my; 
 good friend, Lloyd Jepson, the painter. Mr. 
 Jepson, you know, did that portrait of me that 
 he had the impudence to hang in the Academy 
 last winter." 
 
 Mr. Robert said he was glad to meet Mr. Jep- 
 son, and shook his mitt real hearty, too. Then 
 Lola rumples my hair lovin' and lugs me to the 
 front, and after they'd swapped a lot of polite 
 chatter we had tea and sandwiches, and it be- 
 gins to look like Mr. Robert had been shyin' at a 
 shadow on the wall. 
 
 " Now I'm going to take you over the 
 grounds," announces Lola. " Don't look bored, 
 Lloyd. I know you've seen them often ; but Mr. 
 Ellins must be made to do his duty. Then 
 afterward there are Castor and Pollux to be 
 fed, you know. They are most precious pos- 
 sessions, Robert; so you must fully appreciate 
 them." 
 
 * ' Riding horses f ' ' says Mr. Robert. 
 
 " The idea! " says Lola. " Nothing so com- 
 monplace. Guess again." 
 
 " Monkeys, then," says he.
 
 240 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Horrid man! " says she, tappin' him play- 
 ful. " Now I'll not tell you at all. You must 
 wait until you see them." 
 
 And all this time I notices Jepson scowlin* 
 at Mr. Eobert through his glasses, which gives 
 me a new line on the situation. Looks like Jep- 
 son is backin' a little matrimonial boom of his 
 own, and he thinks he's discovered another 
 candidate. Well, that makes this tour of ours 
 all the more int'restin'; for every time Lola 
 makes Mr. Eobert nervous by startin' to snug- 
 gle up as she points out this or that, poor Jep- 
 son grinds his teeth and exhibits other symp- 
 toms of distress. Of course I does my best at 
 sympathizin' with him. 
 
 " Swell lookin' couple, eh I " I suggests, as 
 we drops a little behind. 
 
 " Hah! " grunts Jepson. 
 
 " She don't hate him exactly, does she? " I 
 goes on. " Seel " and I gives him the nudge 
 as Lola executes one of her loppy moves to- 
 wards the boss and rolls them pale green eyes 
 real kittenish. 
 
 " Gr-r-r-r! " growls Jepson, deep down in 
 his chest. 
 
 And after we'd seen the orchid house, and 
 the white tiled garage, and the fancy tulip beds, 
 and the deer park, Lola leads us down to the 
 sunken garden and discloses the mystery of 
 Castor and Pollux.
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 241 
 
 " There! " says she. " There are my pre- 
 cious pets! ' : 
 
 And what do you guess? Why, down in a 
 little round pond is a pair of pelicans. YouVe 
 seen 'em up at the Bronx Zoo, I guess. And, 
 say, of all the foolish lookin' birds that ever 
 stretched a wing, they're the limit, ain't they! 
 Honest, to see this pair sittin' on the water with 
 their necks folded back, restin' their long bills 
 on their breastbones, was almost enough to give 
 you paresis by suggestion. They didn't look 
 as though they knew enough to last 'em through 
 the next minute ; but no sooner does Miss Mac- 
 intosh begin jabberin' baby talk to 'em than 
 they rouses up, stretches their necks, and starts 
 squeakin' like a pair of rusty hinges. 
 
 " 'Ou dear darlings! Does 'ou want urns' 
 supper ? ' ' gushes Lola. * ' Well, urns shall have 
 it, so urns shall! " 
 
 With that she presses a pushbutton, and by 
 the time she's through explainin' which is Cas- 
 tor and which is the other, and how cunnin' 
 they are, down comes one of the gardeners with 
 a basket of yellow perch. 
 
 11 Now, Lloyd," says Lola, " I am going to 
 let you and Torchy feed my darlings while Rob- 
 ert and I have a little chat in the summer- 
 house." 
 
 I got one look at Mr. Eobert as he glances 
 around, and I knew he was wise to the fact that
 
 242 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 he'd been let in for it, after all. For the sum- 
 merhouse, you see, was a dinky, vine covered 
 little affair up on the rocks a hundred foot back 
 from the pond, and just the place for romantic 
 doin's. Also Jepson was hep to the proposition 
 that he'd been run on a siding. It was Lola's 
 programme, though, so neither of 'em could 
 renig. 
 
 " Beast! " mutters Jepson under his breath, 
 glarin' after Mr. Robert. 
 
 " Eh? " says I. " Did you say anything? " 
 
 11 Shut up and help me feed these fool 
 birds! " snaps Jepson, grabbin' a fish and slam- 
 min' it at Castor. 
 
 " Well, what do you think of that for a quick 
 lunch? " says I, as Castor unlimbers his long 
 neck, opens his face about a yard, makes one 
 gulp, and downs his perch. 
 
 With that I takes a hand in the game and 
 chucks a bite to Pollux. He's just as nimble 
 a feeder as the other, swallowin' an eight-inch 
 perch without battin' an eyelid. Next I throws 
 one between 'em and gets 'em scrabblin' for it. 
 And of all the awkward, silly motions I ever 
 saw! Why, it was more fun than a cow on 
 skates! They'd hop up out of the water with 
 their big wings floppin' and their short legs 
 wabblin', and down they'd come splash all in a 
 heap, and then you'd see one or the other give 
 a gulp, and it would be all over.
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 243 
 
 I got so interested in the game that I clean 
 forgot all about Mr. Robert and the fair Lola, 
 until all of a sudden I hears a couple of loud 
 " Ahem's! " comin' from the summerhouse. 
 
 " Gee! " thinks I. " She's gone to a clinch 
 with him! There's the signal! ' : 
 
 And here I was with nothin' on the slate and 
 no rules to follow. How the blazes was I goin' 
 to raise a disturbance out in the open? I might 
 jump on Jepson and push him into the pond; 
 but that would be a low down trick, with the 
 water as cold as it was then. Still, I couldn't 
 think of anything else, and I was just sizin ' him 
 up for the assault and battery act, when I no- 
 tices the pelicans. They'd each got hold of the 
 same fish and was tuggin' away at it to beat 
 the band. And there in a flash comes this fool 
 idea. 
 
 The perch had been sent up strung on a heavy 
 piece of cord, and there was only three or four 
 left in the basket. Grabbin' the end one, that 
 had the cord tied to his gills, I picks up an- 
 other, fastens him the same way to the other 
 end of the line, and gives the two a sling out 
 into the pond. 
 
 Well, say, I never dreamed you could get so 
 much fun out of a pair of birds. Old Castor 
 Oil pounces on one fish, and Pollux snatches the 
 other, and then they begins to swallow. But 
 as fast as one gets a perch halfway down the
 
 244 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 other would yank it away from him with the 
 line, and then they'd begin fresh again. 
 
 After a minute or so of this they was two of 
 the maddest pelicans in captivity. The way 
 they churned the water up with their feet and 
 wings, each tryin' to back off with his fish and 
 get it down where it would do the most good 
 well, it was rich! A meal with a string to it 
 was soniethin' they hadn't run up against be- 
 fore, and they didn't understand what was 
 wrong. The madder they got the louder they 
 squawked, and right in the midst of the racket 
 Miss Macintosh lets go her hold and comes 
 rushin' down lookin' wild and excited. 
 
 "Why, Lloyd Jepson! " says she accusin'. 
 " What have you done to my precious pets? " 
 
 11 Me? " says Jepson, indignant. " I haven't 
 done a thing. I don't know what ails them." 
 
 About then old Castor gives an extra hard 
 yank, snaps the other fish away from Pollux, 
 gets his wings in motion, and goes sailin' around 
 with the perch danglin' and slattin' first this 
 way and then that. Mr. Robert gets onto 
 what's happening and he just naturally dou- 
 bles up on a bench hee-hawin'. 
 
 The fun gets wilder and wilder as Pollux 
 goes flappin' up after his mate, while Castor, in 
 tryin' to toss the perch up where he can swal- 
 low it, gets the cord wound around his bill so 
 that it's sealed up as tight as an express pack-
 
 CATCHING A SIGNAL 245 
 
 age. At that he takes to the water again and 
 goes thrashin' about reckless. 
 
 " Oh dear, oh dear! " squeals Lola. " He's 
 chokin' to death! My poor pet is being mur- 
 dered! How can you sit there laughing at his 
 agony, Robert? Help! Help!" 
 
 " I will save him, Lola! " sings out Jepson. 
 11 I will save your pet! " 
 
 And in he goes, patent leather shoes, frock 
 coat, glasses, and all, up to his neck in the cold 
 water, and splashes out to the rescue of dear 
 Castor. It wa'n't any cinch job, though; for 
 Castor ain't sure whether Jepson is a friend in 
 need or is goin' to spring some fresh stunt on 
 him; but the little man fin'lly corners him and 
 unbuttons his bill for him. 
 
 " There! " says Miss Macintosh, helpin' the 
 drippin' Jepson out of the pool and gettin' a 
 side hold on him with one arm. * * That is what 
 I call a manly action," and she casts a stony 
 glare at Mr. Robert. 
 
 " Why er yes quite so," says the boss, 
 tryin' to straighten out his face. " Much be- 
 yond me, you know." 
 
 " I haven't the slightest doubt of it, Mr. El- 
 lins," says she. 
 
 " Then ah er Torchy, I think we'd bet- 
 ter be going," says he, and with that we backs 
 off, leavin' the touchin' tableau still on the 
 boards, with the heroic Jepson wet but a winner.
 
 246 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Well? " says I, as we gets to the station. 
 " Was I a little behind schedule? " 
 
 " Oh, a miss is as good as a mile," says Mr. 
 Robert. " But how and when, for goodness' 
 sake, Torchy, did you manage to think up that 
 ridiculous scheme? " 
 
 " Ah, say, Mr. Robert," says I, " you don't 
 think you can work things like that out by 
 algebra, do you? That was one off the bat. 5 '
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 HOW OLD HICKOKY CAME BACK 
 
 COUESE, it was bein' kept a dead secivt. 
 That's why every last one of us in the Cor- 
 rugated gen'ral offices knew all about it, and 
 went buzzin' around, talkin' it over under our 
 breath and lookin' solemn. There 'd been some 
 little suspicions the afternoon before ; but when 
 Mr. Robert shows up on the tick of nine next 
 mornin' and buckles in to work, there couldn't 
 be any doubt but what something serious was 
 the matter. 
 
 I don't know how it spread, either; but by 
 ten o'clock it was all over the shop. And the 
 size of it was that the old man had gone to 
 pieces. Uh-huh! Old Hickory himself! 
 
 " Gee! " I whispers to Piddie, confidential 
 and chummy for once. " And I didn't suppose 
 anything less'n a drop hammer could put him 
 out. What was it? " 
 
 " Some kind of a stroke, they say," says Pid- 
 die. ' ' We had warned him, you know, over and 
 over. He wouldn't let up, though, not a bit. 
 And now it's come. Sad, isn't it? " 
 
 " Mighty tough, I call it," says I. " Bar- 
 
 247
 
 248 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 rin' one, he was the best boss I ever had. Heard 
 how bad off he is? " 
 
 " Very critical state, I understand," says 
 Piddie, lookin' as important as if he'd just 
 come from a consultation. " I er we are 
 ^ery much worried." 
 
 As a matter of fact, all he knew was just what 
 the rest of us did, that soon after lunch the 
 day before Old Hickory had sent out a hurry 
 call for a doctor; that he'd been helped into a 
 taxi an hour later; and that Mr. Robert was on 
 the job now. But that's Piddie. And at a time 
 like this I wa'n't feelin' gay enough to give him 
 the proper calldown. 
 
 " Good old sport! " says I. " Hope he pulls 
 through. ' ' 
 
 I throws it off easy and sort of careless ; but 
 just the same I couldn't think of much else all 
 the rest of the day. For, somehow, when you 
 get right up against a thing of that kind, it's 
 diff 'rent. Why, we'd always thought of him as 
 some kind of a human steam engine that could 
 go on, day after day, month after month, so long 
 as the boilers were kept full and the fires up. 
 Then there was the other side of him, that we 'd 
 all had glimpses of now and then ; and I guess 
 I don't need to tell you that the worst of Old 
 Hickory was on the outside. 
 
 So I was attendin' strictly to business that 
 day, and not indulgin' in any josh interludes,
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 249 
 
 and wonderin' why it was I couldn't seem to 
 throw off the choky sensation I had every time 
 I went past the door of that empty office. And 
 then about four o'clock Mr. Robert pushes the 
 buzzer for me, and when I gets in on the carpet 
 I finds him jammin' a lot of papers hasty into 
 a document case. 
 
 " Here, Torchy! " says he. " These are to 
 go right up to the house. You must get them 
 there before four-thirty. Understand 1 ? They're 
 for er Father, you know." 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I, and I didn't think I could 
 get up a husky voice so sudden. It was hearin' 
 Mr. Robert call him Father instead of Gov- 
 ernor, I guess. Anyway, when we swapped a 
 quick glance I couldn't say whether it was his 
 lamps that was blurred up so, or just mine. 
 
 " You've heard, I suppose? ' says Mr. 
 Robert. 
 
 " A hint or two," says I. " And I'm mighty 
 sorry, Sir." 
 
 " I know," says he. " But not a word out- 
 side. We don't know yet, and er Get those 
 up there before he starts." 
 
 So I wa'n't surprised, when I lands up at the 
 Ellins house, to find the limousine waitin' at 
 the curb, and the butler at the front door with 
 his hand on the knob. 
 
 11 Papers for Mr. Ellins," says I, " from the 
 office."
 
 250 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 ' Yes, yes," says the butler nervous. " Step 
 inside. They're getting him ready, and in a mo- 
 ment now Why, bless us, here he comes, 
 Sir!" 
 
 Now, I hadn't been figurin' on anything but 
 leavin' the case and scootin'. I'd slid inside, 
 and was standin' with my back to the stairs, 
 when I hears the deep breathin' and the slow, 
 heavy steps, and I knew as well as if I had 
 eyes in the back of my head what was comin'. 
 But even then I hadn't figured on quite such a 
 slump^ Maybe the boss was never much on the 
 gazelle act, with his two hundred and fifty-odd 
 weight and his forty-eight belt line; but he al- 
 ways had a sure, steady tread, and a sort of 
 husky swing to his shoulders that gave you the 
 idea he was runnin' under a full head of 
 steam. 
 
 All that was gone now, though. He had one 
 arm draped limp over a man nurse, and the 
 other restin' on the shoulder of his valet. But 
 it was the sight of his face that gave me the 
 hardest jolt. Didn't have any more color in it 
 than a piece of Swiss cheese, and the rough-cut 
 jaw was loosened up and flabby. He has his 
 chin down and is watchin' the stairs, so he don't 
 spot me until he's right alongside. It wa'n't 
 until then I noticed how dull and soggy them 
 steel blue eyes of his had gone. As he gets 
 sight of me the old look flickers back for a sec-
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 251 
 
 ond, and he even tries a weak imitation of a 
 smile. 
 
 " Well you see Son," says he, gettin' it 
 out hard, " they're shipping me off in in bad 
 order. What have you there! ' 
 
 " Papers from Mr. Eobert, Sir," says I. 
 " And I'm mighty sorry we're all sorry to 
 
 " Enough of that! " he growls. " I I'm 
 not all in yet, not not by a blamed sight ! ' 
 
 " Yes, Sir," says I. " Good-by, Sir." 
 
 " Shut up," he snaps, " you and your good- 
 bys ! I I'll come back, you you young whelp, 
 to fire you two or three times more! Huh! 
 Steady now, Boys! Confound these clumsy 
 feet of mine! Steady! There, that's it. Here 
 we go, like like a blasted three-headed centi- 
 pede suffering from corns! " 
 
 The last I saw of him they was wedgin' him 
 into a corner of the limousine with pillows, and 
 the man nurse was givin' him dope to keep him 
 braced up. Seems he was bein' sent off where 
 he could take the rest cure, and diff'rent kinds 
 of baths, and get a change of climate. 
 
 " It's only the beginning of the end," says 
 Piddie. 
 
 Guess that's about the way we all felt; for 
 Mr. Ellins wa'n't the kind to give up just for a 
 toeache, and we knew that when he let go it 
 was because he couldn't hold on another min- 
 iate to save him.
 
 252 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 For a week or so there wa'ii't any news at 
 all. Mr. Eobert would only shake his head when 
 I asked him. A little later we begun to get 
 more cheerin' bulletins. He'd shipped off the 
 nurse and was stirrin' around by himself. 
 
 Then one day, when he'd been gone about a 
 month, there comes a wire from him askin' for 
 a confidential report on some deals he'd started 
 and had left hangin'. " Don't telegraph," he 
 says. " Send someone who can answer ques- 
 tions." 
 
 So Mr. Eobert files this message: 
 
 Will send Mr. Piddie with full information. 
 
 Piddie's been in there an hour or two, havin* 
 details drilled into his head, and was all swelled 
 up like a toad over it, when there comes this 
 second wire from the old man : 
 
 Piddie be blowedt Post Torchy and send him along. 
 
 Mr. Robert has to grin, too, when he shows 
 me the message. * ' Think you can do it ? " says 
 he. 
 
 11 Looks like I had to, don't it? " says I. "I 
 couldn't go back on the boss. "What's the 
 line? " 
 
 And less'n two hours later I'm on my way 
 south, with a few collars and socks and things 
 in a kitbag, a lot of figures on the back of an
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 253 
 
 envelope, and my head full of things that would 
 have made the market hum some if I'd let 'em 
 out. By afternoon next day I'm down in the 
 long-leaf pine district, pilin' out of a bus in 
 front of a hotel that would fit snug in two city 
 blocks. 
 
 It was some welcome sight, too, not to find 
 Old Hickory bein' pushed around in a wheel 
 chair. He pads in on his own feet: not quite 
 so springy as usual; but lookin' a lot better 'n 
 I'd expected to see him. 
 
 " Huh! ' says he. " You look natural 
 enough, Son." 
 
 " Same to you, Mr. Ellins," says I. 
 
 " Don't lie to me, Torchy," says he. "I'm 
 an old piece of junk, and I know it; but 
 there are one or two jobs I mean to finish be- 
 fore I go on the scrapheap, doctors or no doc- 
 tors! Now let's see if we can find a quiet 
 corner in this confounded antediluvian retreat, 
 and we'll get down to business." 
 
 Well, we had a great session of it, him pump- 
 in' out information and makin' notes for orders 
 he meant to put on the wire, and me answerin f 
 questions. 
 
 " Good work ! " says he at the finish. " You 
 have got a head on your shoulders, after all; 
 and if you've brought the facts all straight I 
 think I can put in a few good licks, even at this 
 distance. ' '
 
 254 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Then I jump the night train back, do I? " 
 says I. 
 
 11 What for? " says he. " Don't you like the 
 place? " 
 
 " Sure I like it," says I. 
 
 " Then suppose you knock abound here with 
 me for a day or so," says he, " and fool me into 
 believing I'm still alive." 
 
 "Gee! "says I. "Honest?" 
 
 For, believe me, this Pine Springs joint does 
 show up some classy and magniferous. You 
 know miles of neat walks and drives, with 
 flowerbeds and hedges at every turn, and on all 
 sides just acres and acres of smooth lawns. 
 Why, it looked like the whole shootin' match 
 had been upholstered in green plush. Then 
 there was this big hotel, with wide verandas 
 fitted up comf 'table, and off in the distance the 
 tall pines, with the mountains behind. 
 
 Could I knock around there a couple of days? 
 A couple of months, if I was pushed to it ! So 
 Mr. Ellins tows me in to the desk, and I puts my 
 autograph on the book like a reg'lar plute guest, 
 and when the bellhop pilots me to my room I 
 chucks him a dime just as haughty and insultin' 
 as I knew how. 
 
 It wa'n't until I'd spent a couple of hours 
 waitin' while Old Hickory has some kind of 
 treatment, that I discovers how quick you could 
 get used to that sort of thing. By the time I'd
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 255 
 
 done about four laps around the verandas, in- 
 habited only by old ladies do in' baby Irish 
 crochet in groups of four or five, and then 
 strolled out to the golf grounds and watched a 
 lot of old duffers in white flannels pluggin' 
 around the course, I begun to get wise to ths 
 fact that, while all this might be nice to look at 
 for a little while, it wouldn't be so blamed ex- 
 citin' as a steady diet. 
 
 It wa'n't any more stirrin' durin' the evenin', 
 either, after Mr. Ellins had finished his mush 
 and milk and I'd galloped through a twelve- 
 course feed. The boss hits the feathers prompt 
 at eight-thirty, and I'm left to watch the old 
 ladies play auction bridge inside, or go out on 
 the veranda and listen to the old sports talk 
 golf. 
 
 Near as I could dope it out, that was all there 
 was to it, golf and baby Irish by day, golf chin 
 and auction at night. And hardly a guest under 
 sixty to be found ! It was easy enough to figure 
 out why. All you had to do was consult the 
 weekly rate card. Take about sixty years 
 to pile up enough gold reserve to stop at one of 
 these joints more'n a day at a time, unless yoa 
 have a lump left to you, and then of course you 
 want to hit up some real swell resort where the 
 live ones flock. 
 
 I was wonderin' just where Old Hickory 
 fitted into that programme; but when he ap-
 
 256 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 pears for breakfast I knew. And, say, you 
 should have seen him in tweed knickers and a 
 Scotch cap and a Norfolk jacket. 
 
 " Z-z-z-zing! " says I, " but you don't look 
 much like an invalid in them sporty togs, Mr. 
 Ellins." 
 
 " Don't I? " says he. " Well, I feel like an 
 ass in 'em." 
 
 " How's your game? " says I. 
 
 " Eh? " says he, glancin' suspicious at 
 me. " Oh, I'm coming on. I er I'm going 
 out for a little practice turn now." 
 
 " Can I lug the clubs? " says I. 
 
 11 Why," says he, flushin' a little, " perhaps 
 I'd better have my reg'lar caddie do that. He 
 gives me points, you see. And I don't suppose 
 you care to come along. ' ' 
 
 " Sure I would," says I. 
 
 It struck me he wa'n't anxious for my com- 
 p'ny; but as there wa'n't anything else on the 
 card I just trails along anyway. Course, I 
 knew he wa'n't any Travis; but I understood 
 he'd tackled the game before at times and 
 wa'n't in the novice class. Yet the exhibition 
 he puts up that forenoon was the very punkest 
 you could imagine. Think of a man of his 
 size swingin' his whole weight at a little white 
 ball and only knockin' it a dozen feet at a time 
 sometimes missin' it altogether, too ! Honest^ 
 I got behind the caddie and blushed for him.
 
 HOW OLD HICKOEY CAME BACK 257 
 
 What puzzled me most, though, was the fact 
 that Old Hickory seems to have lost the art of 
 cussin'. You know how he used to rip 'em out 
 in the office when things went wrong? Well, 
 here he was, swattin' away at that ball, and 
 either drivin' it into the ground, or just knock- 
 in' dents in the atmosphere, and him only 
 turnin' red behind the ears and never tearin' 
 off a single cuss. 
 
 " Gee! " says I, as he grunts disgusted after 
 a mighty swing that would have been a corker 
 if the ball had only been trained to hop up a 
 few inches. " That's too bad, Mr. Ellins. But 
 don't mind me. Go on and say it." 
 
 " It's no use, Torchy," says he. "I ex- 
 hausted my entire profane vocabulary the first 
 two days. Didn't I, Caddie? " 
 
 The caddie grins and nods his head. 
 
 " But I don't believe it does any good," says 
 I, " keepin' feelin's like that bottled up." 
 
 "I'm sure it doesn't," says he. " That's why 
 I'm so sore at that fool doctor of mine for 
 sentencing me to a year at golf. Son, I '11 never 
 be able to play this game in a hundred years." 
 
 ' ( Gwan, Mr. Ellins ! ' ' says I. "I seen some 
 old guys yesterday, one of 'em over seventy, 
 that could poke it out quite some ways." 
 
 11 I know," says he. " They can seem to do 
 it, blast 'em! " 
 
 And I couldn't see just why he should be so
 
 258 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 grouchy over it. But after the turf cuttin' was 
 finished and Old Hickory had beat it for the 
 shower bath, I had a little side talk with the 
 caddie on the subject. He's a bright, wise look- 
 in', half grown young smoke, and answers to 
 the name of Milton Smith. 
 
 " Milton," says I, "on the level now the 
 boss is pretty rank at this golf thing, ain't 
 he? " 
 
 " Yassuh," says Milton. " Ah spec he is." 
 
 " Ever seen worse? " says I. 
 
 He admits he ain't, often. 
 
 " And he's too bad, eh, to get out and play 
 in the same class with the average run of these 
 old duffers? " says I. 
 
 Milton wa'n't anxious to cast any asparagus 
 on the play of a certain party who was payin' 
 him seven a week reg'lar for two hours' work a 
 day; but by hard pumpin' I got enough out of 
 him so I could frame up a gen'ral view of the 
 situation. And that was about it. Old Hickory, 
 who'd always been a topnotcher in anything 
 he'd ever tackled, was up against a proposition 
 now where he didn't rank one-two-sixteen. 
 And I could guess, too, just how deep that must 
 cut him. 
 
 Also this gave me the key to his queer actions 
 that mornin', when he'd stood around more'n 
 half an hour, waitin' idle while the other old 
 sports, in bunches of twos and fours, had
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 259 
 
 started off, and him never bein' asked to join 
 in. They seemed to be gettin' a lot of fun out 
 of it, too, joshin' each other, and makin' side 
 bets on the length of their drives, and so on. 
 
 A hearty, husky lot of old gents they looked 
 to be, and when it came to complexions say, 
 I've seen that wild-cherry-bark tint here in 
 town, you know, the kind that looks like it was 
 burned in permanent, and I'd wondered how 
 you got it. I know now. Palm Beach or Nassau 
 in winter, Pine Springs or Lakewood durin' 
 April, May, and June, and either the White 
 Mountains or Bar Harbor all summer. That's 
 the recipe and, believe me, it comes some high ! 
 
 It seems just the sort of thing Mr. Ellins 
 needs, too, and of course there wa'n't any ques- 
 tion but what he could afford it. At luncheon 
 I hinted as much, and the hint struck a chord. 
 
 ' * Yes, I suppose so, ' ' says Old Hickory, sigh- 
 in' deep and starin' absentminded into his 
 soup. " And these chaps will hang on, most of 
 them, into the seventies and eighties. Perhaps 
 they are satisfied with this sort of existence, too ; 
 but I couldn't be. Golf may be all right to fool 
 away a half-day with now and then; but it 
 isn't a big enough game for me to live for en- 
 tirely. Look at these men here. Has-beens! 
 I've known most of 'em in my time, and forgot- 
 ten them. There's old Eutter over there. Why, 
 we bought him out and closed up his smelters
 
 260 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 back in '95! Then there's Parkloe, over in the 
 corner. He quit somewhere in 1902 or 1904, 
 heart trouble, I believe. His sons are running 
 the business now. Jellison, here, just at the 
 left, pulled out about the same time. Couldn't 
 stand the strain. Well, they're still on top of 
 the sod. But what do they amount to? Why, 
 they can still play golf. Bah ! Not for me, Son ! 
 I'm built different. Just the same, I'd give a 
 thousand dollars yes, five if I could stand 
 up in front of that bunch just once, and show 
 'em I could hit the ball." 
 
 And if you could have seen the solid set to 
 that rugged jaw of Old Hickory's, you'd known 
 just how hard he meant it. 
 
 ' ' Say, ' ' says I, gettin ' a sudden wild thought, 
 " suppose you could, just once? ' 
 
 " Then I'd call it quits and take the conse- 
 quences," says he grim and determined. 
 
 Well, I didn't spring my scheme then. In 
 fact, I wa'n't wise enough to the game to know 
 whether I could pull it off or not. First I had 
 to have another talk with Milton. And Milton 
 dug up some ideas that helped. Next we had 
 to see the greens keeper, who deals in golf clubs 
 as a side line. At first he didn't think he could 
 doctor up a club the way we'd sketched it out; 
 but when I took a chance of promisin' him a 
 twenty from Mr. Ellins he said maybe he might. 
 Sure enough, he did, too. We had the club by
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 261 
 
 nine o'clock that night, and I'll bet that in the 
 whole hist'ry of golf there never was one built 
 like it before. 
 
 Havin' started in, I was bound to put the 
 thing over; so by six A.M. next mornin' I had 
 dug Mr. Ellins out of the hay, and for an hour 
 and a half him and me and Milton rehearsed 
 the act out behind the hotel where nobody could 
 watch us. I was doin' the heavy coachin'. 
 
 " Now remember, Mr. Ellins," says I, " you 
 ain't tryin' to knock the cover off. Just hit it 
 clean. You got to hit it. You can, too, if you 
 just follow Milton's directions close. Now 
 weight on your right foot, draw back slow, 
 swing clear through; and, whatever else you 
 forget, keep your eye on the ball ! There ! You 
 looked up then. Say, this ain't baseball, you 
 know. Matty ain't out there pitchin' high 
 twisters. There's the ball on the ground. Now 
 once more! Yes, and you let go of that right 
 knee then. If you was diggin' a trench that 
 would be elegant form; but you ain't buryin' 
 the ball, you know. You're tryin' to swat it. 
 Again! That's the trick! Square on the nose! 
 Say, that was a poke, that was! Now repeat.'* 
 
 Oh, I rubbed it into him like I was a drill 
 sergeant. And he stood for it. At that, though, 
 I wa'n't sure he could do it when the time 
 came. 
 
 But after a good breakfast we went to the
 
 262 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 scratch manful and noble. I'd timed it so we 
 got our ball down just behind a foursome and 
 in front of a syndicate. There was ten or a 
 dozen old sports in this syndicate game, you 
 know, where everyone pays the low man a ball 
 at each hole, and they was all bunched around 
 the home tee, waitin ' their turn to start, when I 
 gives the signal and up marches Old Hickory, 
 with Milton carryin' the clubs and extra equip- 
 ment. 
 
 Say, it was some bluff for a duffer player 
 like Mr. Ellins to spring, too. Milton tees the 
 ball up careful, and then hops on the sand box, 
 unlimbers a long pair of field glasses, and pre- 
 pares to watch where the ball goes. At that I 
 grabs the megaphone and begins to shout 
 ' ' Fore ! Fore ! " at the top of my lungs with 
 the nearest player in sight a good three hun- 
 dred yards down the course. 
 
 I thought that would get 'em goin'. And it 
 did. The syndicate bunch stopped their joshin' 
 and practice swings and gathers around with 
 their eyes bugged and their mouths open. 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, Ellins," says one, 
 " how far do you expect to drive? ' 
 
 ' ' Fore ! Fore ! " I yells. * ' All right now, 
 Mr. Ellins; I guess they're away in front. 
 Let 'er go! ' 
 
 And Old Hickory is right there with his 
 good eye. He draws back careful, swings with
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 263 
 
 all his might, but steady, and carries through 
 lovely. There's a crack like snappin' a whip, 
 and Milton gets up on his tiptoes with the 
 glasses. 
 
 " Yassuh, yassuh! " says he excited. " I see 
 it, Suh! Ovah the secon' bunkah, Suh! ' : 
 
 " What? " gasps the syndicate crowd. 
 " Drove the second bunker! " 
 
 But Old Hickory follows directions. He don't 
 stop to answer any fool questions, but swings 
 his club jaunty and starts down the line, with 
 me and Milton, still carryin' the megaphone and 
 field glasses, pushin' eager behind. He'd 
 turned the trick! He'd shown that bunch he" 
 could hit the ball, and even if we did quit and 
 sneak back to the clifb house as soon as we got 
 out of sight, we'd put it over! 
 
 Find the ball 1 Sure we did. Had it with us 
 all the time, in fact. Never heard of a hollow 
 headed driver with a rubber valve facin', I ex- 
 pect? Well, it wa'n't all my invention, for 
 Milton and the greens keeper helped out ; and it 
 was Milton suggested puttin' the powder cap in- 
 side the club head to make the crack when the 
 ball was scooped up. And for a fake drive it 
 was a most convincing performance. I'll bet 
 five years from now they'll still be tellin', down 
 there at Pine Springs, how Old Hickory Ellins 
 once drove the second bunker. 
 
 That wa'n't the best of it, though. Mr. El-
 
 264 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 lins was so braced up and tickled over the act 
 that he has the nerve to send for a big special- 
 ist who was down there on a vacation, and call 
 for an estimate on how long he would last if 
 he quit the golf business then and there and 
 went back to his desk. I was on hand to hear 
 the verdict, too. 
 
 " Last? " says the specialist, after he's 
 thumped him all over. " Well, I can't say as 
 to that, Mr. Ellins, perhaps ten years, per- 
 haps twenty, but I'll say this : if you quit busi- 
 ness now, and try to satisfy that ninety horse- 
 power temperament of yours with nothing but 
 golf, I wouldn't guarantee you two years." 
 
 ' ' But but see here ! ' ' gasps Old Hickory. 
 " I've had a slight stroke, you know." 
 
 11 Bosh! " says the specialist. " Who told 
 you that, Nivens? I thought so. That's his 
 line. Can't see anything else, you know. Touch 
 of acute indigestion, more likely, with a little 
 rheumatism and gout to help along. Why, 
 you're as sound as an oak plank! " 
 
 " And I needn't devote the rest of my life 
 to golf! " says Mr. Ellins. 
 
 " Not unless you want to cut it short," says 
 he. " That's another of Nivens' fads. Ask 
 him why he doesn't do it himself. He's rich 
 enough. But he doesn't quit, does he? He still 
 makes his hundred thousand a year, puts in 
 six hours of office work a day, and plays a
 
 HOW OLD HICKORY CAME BACK 265 
 
 wretched game of golf at odd times. So may 
 you, if you choose." 
 
 " Whe-e-e yow! " explodes Mr. Ellins. 
 " Torchy, go get those blasted golf clubs of 
 mine. I want to prop 'em against a chair and 
 jump on 'em. Then see about our reserva- 
 tions for the next train. I mean to be back 
 at my desk before closing time to-morrow, and 
 inside of forty-eight hours I guess that Guggen- 
 heim crowd will find there's more or less fight 
 left in Old Hickory Ellins yet! " 
 
 Eh? Well, say, you just keep your eye on 
 the Wall Street news for the next few days. 
 Yes, yes! He's on the job.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 
 
 " How now, Torchy? " says Mr. Robert, here 
 the other mornin', as he stops by the brass gate 
 to size up my radiant frontispiece. ' ' She must 
 be back, eh? " 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. " Think I'd be wearin' 
 this face just on account of the weather! " 
 
 * ' Good ! ' ' says he. ' ' And I hope Aunty is 
 well, also? " 
 
 " You get your wish then," says I. " Trust 
 a lemon for keepin'." 
 
 11 Oh-ho! " says he. " Aunty still a little 
 cool to you, is she? " 
 
 " Cool ! " says I. " Say, after I've been near 
 her two minutes I know how that Swede pole 
 picker felt when he was makin' notes at 90 
 south." 
 
 Eh? Oh, all right. Little jiggly music there, 
 please, and I'll try to sketch it out for you. 
 You see, it had been weeks and weeks, and all 
 the line I'd had on Miss Vee was now and then 
 a picture postcard showin' real palms growin* 
 in front of big hotels and folks wearin' summer 
 suits. That when I was wadin' through bliz- 
 
 266
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 267 
 
 zards and dodgin' grip epidemics. Say, why 
 don't we cop out a few of those West Indies and 
 get John D. to pipe the climate up here ? 
 
 Then for awhile there wa'n't even a postal, 
 and I'd begun to think I'd been scratched off 
 Vee's list for good, when here one Saturday 
 afternoon, as I was wanderin' lonesome up to- 
 wards the park, I gets a glimpse of some slim 
 ankles and a long waisted walkin' jacket, and a 
 hint of straw colored hair under a nobby spring 
 lid, and I has a thrill somewhere below my vest 
 pocket that I knew couldn't be any false alarm. 
 
 The straight backed old girl with her I could 
 locate as Aunty on a guess; but the heavy old 
 gink that was walkin' flat footed on the out- 
 side I couldn't place at all. The three of 'em 
 was nearly a block ahead; but I wa'n't long in 
 puttin' steam into my footwork, and I'd just 
 got within hailin' distance when hanged if they 
 don't swing into a big gray buildin' and dis- 
 appear. I was for takin' all chances, though ; so 
 it's me up the steps after 'em, and I was push- 
 in' right past the entrance when an old guy in 
 brass buttons blocks me off. 
 
 ' ; Ticket, young man ! ' ' says he. 
 
 " Ah, that's all right," says I. " Left my 
 annual pass in my evenin' clothes." 
 
 He wouldn't fall for that, though, and steers 
 me up to a window where another old geezer 
 is passin' out pasteboards at fifty a throw.
 
 268 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " What for! " says I. " What's the bill? " 
 
 " Paintings," says he. " This is the Acad- 
 emy's spring exhibit, you know." 
 
 " And you got the nerve to tax me a half 
 just for that? " says I. " Say, honest, pass me 
 through and I'll turn my back on 'em." 
 
 It was a case of comin' across with the coin 
 or stayin' out, though. " Any rain check? ' : 
 says I. 
 
 " Nothing of the sort," says he. " These are 
 oils, not water colors." 
 
 " You score," says I, as I anties a split bean. 
 " Gimme one standin' room. And did you no- 
 tice which way that last trio went? ' , 
 
 He couldn't say; so I roams in, makes a turn 
 at random, and finds myself in a big hall with 
 the walls just plastered reckless with hand 
 painted work of all kinds. Don't they use up 
 a lot of paint, though, these artists ? And sling- 
 in' it around careless that way, it's a wonder 
 to me they never get any on the gold frames. 
 
 Course, I'd paid for all the looks I was a 
 mind to take; but one or two glances at the 
 nearest specimens was enough. Maybe they 
 was all right picture s^ but nothin' to get ex- 
 cited over. Besides, I knew of an unlisted 
 exhibit that was really worth lookin' at, if I 
 could find it. 
 
 As there wa'n't any great crush, it was dead 
 easy. I hadn't gone down the line very far be-
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 269 
 
 fore I spots old flat-foot gawpin' up at one of 
 the numbers sort of mushy and sentimental. 
 Alongside him was Aunty, her gold lorgnette 
 up critical; and a little behind, lookin' sort of 
 bored, was Miss Vee herself. And, say, she 
 don 't get over it ! M-m-m-m ! Same strawb 'ry 
 icecream tint on her cheeks, same cute little 
 ears, same chirky tilt to her pink chin. 
 
 Needn't think I stood off there with my feet 
 glued to the floor for long, though. Just then 
 another bunch comes shovin' along, and I 
 pushes right in with 'em. A minute more and 
 I'm up where I can reach out and give one of 
 her free hands a quick squeeze. She turns in 
 a flash, flushin' indignant, and the sparks was 
 dartin' out of them big gray eyes before she 
 finally discovers who it is. At that she slips 
 back and returns the squeeze. 
 
 * ' Why, Torchy ! ' ' she whispers. * ' How did 
 you ever find us here? " 
 
 " Cost me a half," says I. " But I ain't 
 kickin'. It's worth double. Say, you look bet- 
 ter to me than any " 
 
 " S-s-h ! " says Vee, shuttin' off the flow with 
 a gray kid glove. " Aunty might hear." 
 
 "What then?" says I. "Can't an old 
 friend pass you the compliments of the sea- 
 son? " 
 
 " But you don't understand," says she. 
 " Aunty's getting to be very strict. You see,
 
 270 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 she has decided on someone at last, and we 
 we've disagreed. I think he's just horrid! " 
 
 " Not old flat-foot, there? " says I. 
 
 " No, no! " says Vee. ''It's Snappy West- 
 lake. He's jolly well off, though, and he's in 
 jthe right set, and " 
 
 " I fall," says I. " You're bein' shooed his 
 way, and she's tryin' to pin the * Keep Off ' 
 sign on you. But I don't count, do I? " 
 
 " Aunty can be silly over a lot of things," 
 says Vee. " She found out about the postals, 
 and she remembers how you and I Well, we 
 had quite a talk." 
 
 " Good old Aunty! " says I. " Then I'd be 
 apt to be left on the mat if I came around, eh? " 
 
 " She wouldn't like it at all, I'm sure," says 
 Vee. " But I'll tell you something Uncle 
 Andy lives next door! " 
 
 " Him? " says I, pointin' to flat-foot. 
 
 That was it. Seems he wa'n't a reg'lar 
 uncle: only an old friend of Aunty's. 
 
 " But where does that help? " says I. 
 
 " Stupid! " says Vee. " Next door, I said," 
 and I see a twinkle in them big eyes. 
 
 1 ' Gee ! ' ' says I. * ' But I was on the freight, 
 wa'n't I? Me for Uncle Andy! What's his 
 special line? " 
 
 " Why, he's a widower," says she, " and 
 spends most of his time mooning about telling 
 what an angel his but they're moving on.
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 271 
 
 Good-by, Torchy. Quick now Aunty's turn- 
 ing around! " 
 
 So I ducks behind a fat woman, does a sud- 
 den sneak to the rear, and the reunion was all 
 off. I'm left with a whole lot of uncorked con- 
 versation, to watch Vee go driftin' down the 
 gallery. Annoyin'! I felt like a cat on a tin 
 roof. And all the helpful hint Vee can throw 
 out is that Uncle Andy lived somewhere next 
 door. Say, that was grand, wa'n't it spe- 
 cially as I didn't know him from last Friday 
 week? 
 
 " It's either a case of breakin' and enterin'," 
 thinks I, "or of pushin' my luck. Anyway, I 
 guess I'll stick around and see what happens." 
 
 Come to think it over, too, I can't say whether 
 I just fell into it, or had it handed to me. But 
 I was taggin' along when Uncle Andy takes it 
 into his head to drop out of the procession and 
 camp down on a red plush sofa, leavin' the 
 others to go on around by themselves. He's 
 sort of a friendly lookin', goat faced old bunch 
 of works ; some puffy under the eyes, but with a 
 good color on his face, and most of his hair left. 
 
 There wa'n't any time to plot out a cam- 
 paign ; so I pikes straight for him, squats close 
 alongside, and goes to sizin' up the same pic- 
 ture he's gazin' at so slushy. It's of a sweet 
 young thing all in white bendin' over a rose- 
 bush.
 
 272 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Some queen, eh? " says I, like I was think* 
 in' aloud. 
 
 11 Beg pardon? " says he. 
 
 " Nothin' worth mentionm'," says I; " only 
 the young party there in the garden strikes me 
 as real classy." 
 
 11 Ah! You like it, do you? " says he, kind 
 of warmin' up. " It reminds me of someone 
 who was very dear to me; someone, I might 
 say, who is still very dear." 
 
 " The wife? " says I. 
 
 " Yes," says he, " my dear wife." 
 
 " Gone, eh? " says I. 
 
 " These five years," says he, diggin' out a 
 handkerchief and proceedin' to swab his eyes. 
 
 "Well, well!" says I. "That's rough. 
 Looked some like that when she was younger, 
 did she? " 
 
 " The eyes are strangely like hers," says he; 
 " only my Alicia had a much gentler, sweeter 
 expression. It was in a rose garden that I first 
 met her, too." 
 
 ' ' Think of that ! ' ' says I, with the sympathy 
 stop pulled clear out. " Can you beat it? Cute 
 name, Alicia. Got plain Alice skinned a mile, 
 ain't it? Sometime back, that garden episode 
 was, I expect? ' 
 
 Does he get the cue? Say, inside of three 
 minutes I was hearin' the story of Alicia, from 
 the time he first saw her home from meeting
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 273 
 
 down through the sleigh ridin' and singin' 
 school period, to the big event when she finally 
 sponged all the other entries off the board and 
 let Andy fit on the ring. And me? Say, I'll 
 bet he never run across any small but select 
 audience that had anything on me in the listen- 
 in' line, or who would come back for more 
 with a straighter face. For he sure was 
 windy when it come to thro win' in the mushy 
 details. 
 
 11 Hers was the kind of loveliness," he goes 
 on, " which never faded. As a girl she was 
 beautiful; but as a woman she was charming. 
 You should see a portrait I had painted of her 
 when she was twenty-five." 
 
 "Gee!' : says I, drawin' in my breath. 
 " Wish I could." 
 
 " Then you must," says he, pattin' me on the 
 shoulder. * * You must, indeed. ' ' 
 
 Can you see me disputin' him? I let him plan 
 it all out how the very next day I was to come 
 up and have Sunday afternoon tea with him 
 and inspect all the pictures of Alicia he had in 
 stock. 
 
 "It is unusual, I presume," says he, " but 
 I've taken a great fancy to you, my boy; and 
 if you don't mind listening to a prosy old 
 man " 
 
 " I can stand it if you car," says I. 
 41 What's the address? "
 
 274 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Thomas is my name," says he, " Andrew 
 V. Thomas, and I live at Pelham on the Sound." 
 
 " You do! " says I, workin' up business of 
 surprise. " Why, there's a young lady friend 
 of mine lives right next door to you Miss 
 Vee." 
 
 ' * Yes, yes ! ' ' says he. * ' And so you are a 
 young friend of Verona's? Why, my boy, she 
 and her aunt were with me only a moment ago. 
 Come, we will find them." 
 
 " Sorry, but I'll have to renig this time," 
 says I. " Maybe you could fix it up to have 
 her drop in to-morrow, though; that is, leavin' 
 Aunty out. I ain't so strong for Aunty," and 
 with that I tips him the wink. 
 
 1 ' He, he ! " chuckles Uncle Andy. ' ' I under- 
 stand. But we'll arrange that. You come up 
 to-morrow. ' ' 
 
 " You can gamble on that," says I. " It's 
 as sure as Fourth of July." 
 
 So it's me for Pelham, all dolled up in my 
 new checked spring suit and baby blue tie and 
 the silk socks I got for Easter. And I'd doped 
 out how Vee and I would stand for Uncle 
 Andy's fond recollections for about ten min- 
 utes on a stretch and then throw the switch on 
 him. But what do you guess! Why, he'd 
 bugged the scheme entirely, and instead of just 
 Vee on the side veranda, there was Aunty, too. 
 And when Uncle Andy appears to greet me at
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 275 
 
 the front door he has his hanky out and his 
 eyelids is all red. 
 
 " Don't mind me, my boy," says he. " We 
 were just talking of dear Alicia. Come right 
 out and join us." 
 
 " If it's all the same to you," says I, " maybe 
 I'd better sidestep. Aunty here for the after- 
 noon, is she? " 
 
 " Oh, I had forgotten," says he. " No, she 
 will be going back for her nap soon." 
 
 " Then suppose I just slide inside easy and 
 wait until she does her flit? " says I. 
 
 He agrees to that, pilots me in where I can 
 get a view through the curtains, hands me a 
 magazine, and goes back to Aunty. 
 
 " As I was saying," I hears him remark, 
 " there never was another like dear Alicia. 
 She was the gentlest, kindest " 
 
 Well, I can't remember the whole oration, but 
 Uncle Andy sure was spreadin' it on thick and 
 mushy, and all the response I could make out 
 as comin' from Aunty was now and then a 
 snort. At last she breaks in. 
 
 " Humph! " says she. " Don't you think 
 that's about enough for one afternoon? " 
 
 * * Why why, my dear Sarah ! " he protests. 
 ' ' I I don 't know what you mean. ' ' 
 
 " Then I'll make it clear," says Aunty, 
 snappin' it off crisp and decided. " Do you 
 realize, Andrew, just how many times during
 
 276 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 the past five years you have been through this 
 same rigmarole? And how many times you 
 have wept on me? Why, you have sobbed on 
 my shoulder until I've been positively damp 
 from it! It's getting monotonous! " 
 
 " But but, Sarah!" snuffles Uncle Andy. 
 *' You know that Alicia was " 
 
 " I know all about Alicia," Aunty breaks in. 
 " I ought to. We went to boarding school to- 
 gether. She was a nice, lovable girl, and she 
 made you a good wife; but she was no angel. 
 She was vain, and indolent, and a trifle selfish. 
 She cared more about keeping her figure and 
 complexion than for anything else on earth, and 
 you know it as well as I. Besides, why go 
 sniffling and moping about all the rest of your 
 life? " 
 
 " You you don't understand, Sarah," pro- 
 tests Uncle Andy. "I'm a lonely, wretched 
 old man without her." 
 
 " Then it's time you found another," says 
 Aunty. 
 
 " Why why, Sarah! " gasps Uncle Andy. 
 
 11 I mean it," says Aunty. " That's what's 
 the matter with you. You need a wife. I de- 
 cided that sometime ago, and for the last month 
 I've been giving you a chance to find it out for 
 yourself. Why else do you suppose I've been 
 carting you around and introducing you so 
 much? Come, now, haven't you met at least
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 277 
 
 half a dozen attractive women at my house dur- 
 ing the last fortnight? " 
 
 " But but I never dreamed, Sarah," says 
 Uncle Andy, " that that " 
 
 " Which only shows what a ninny you are, 
 then," observes Aunty. " Now tell me were- 
 n't you interested in any of them? " 
 
 11 Why," says Uncle, fidgetin' some in his 
 chair and pinkin' up kind of guilty, " that 
 young Miss Dickinson was a a " 
 
 " Fiddlesticks! " comes back Aunty. " And 
 you almost old enough to be her grandfather! 
 What about Annie Leavitt? " 
 
 " The old maid schoolteacher? " says Uncle 
 Andy. 
 
 " What if she is an old maid? " demands 
 Aunty. * ' That was only because she took care 
 of an invalid mother for so many years. But 
 she's still under forty-five, and she is a cul- 
 tured, capable woman. And she was not merely 
 a schoolteacher. She was principal of a girls' 
 high school. She has made two trips abroad. 
 She has just inherited ten thousand dollars ; so 
 she is by no means dependent. And she is 
 rather good looking." 
 
 " That's a fact," admits Uncle Andy. 
 " Splendid shoulders. Fine brown eyes, too. 
 But do you think, Sarah, that I would er 
 that is" 
 
 " I shouldn't wonder," says Aunty. " I've
 
 278 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 talked with her about you. She thinks you have 
 a lovely home here, and she agrees with me 
 that you need a wife very badly. Also she has 
 an idea that you are an interesting talker. You 
 see, she hasn't had such a dose of Alicia as I 
 have. But the only way to really find out is to 
 ask her yourself, Andrew." 
 
 11 But, Sarah," says he, holdin' up both his 
 hands " Why, I've hardly given her a 
 thought." 
 
 " Yes, you have," says Aunty. " You've no- 
 ticed her shoulders and her eyes. So let's not 
 beat about the bush. I've had her visiting me 
 for the last week, and I can't ask her to stay 
 much longer. So come over right away and get 
 the business done with." 
 
 " What, now? " gasps Uncle Andy. 
 
 " Why not? " says Aunty. " She's waiting 
 in the garden. You see, I promised her I'd send 
 you over. Come, Verona, I must have my 
 nap. ' ' 
 
 And just as though it had been a matter of 
 borrowin' a cup of sugar that she'd settled, 
 Aunty gets up and sails down the side steps, 
 leavin' Uncle Andy sittin' there with his mouth 
 open and his eyes bugged. As Vee goes by the 
 window, I pushes back the curtain and gives 
 her the hail easy. 
 
 " You! " says she. " How did you manage 
 it?"
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 279 
 
 " Tell you later," says I. " And say, ain't 
 there room for another couple in that garden I ' ' 
 
 " Silly! " says she. " Try for yourself," 
 and as she follows Aunty she throws back over 
 her shoulder one of them quizzin' smiles. 
 
 It's a good three minutes, though, before 
 Uncle Andy comes out of his trance and strolls 
 in. " Did you hear? " says he. 
 
 " Sure," says I. " And say, Aunty has got 
 the Bunty business down to a science, ain't 
 she? " 
 
 " But what am I to do," says he, " with 
 Miss Leavitt waiting there in the garden? " 
 
 " Do? " says I. " Why, go to it. She suits, 
 don't she? " 
 
 11 I I suppose she does," says he. " In fact, 
 she is a most charming woman. But I I 
 hardly know what to say, how to begin." 
 
 ' ' Ah, piffle ! ' ' says I. ' * When they get past 
 forty with never a nibble you can shy the pre- 
 liminaries. Just cuddle up and shoot off the 
 Romeo stuff impromptu. It'll get over." 
 
 11 Do you think so? " says he. " But how 
 do I look? " 
 
 " Fine and dandy," says I. " That is bar- 
 rin' the sloppy hitch to your necktie. Here, 
 lemme haul it up so the collar meets in front. 
 There! That's better. And there's a little 
 dandruff on your coat. Got a whisk broom 
 handy ? Now, if you shift those bunion slippers
 
 280 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 for your best patent leathers, and let me smooth 
 the nap of your silky sky-piece while you hunt 
 up a walkin' stick and some yellow gloves, I'll 
 back you both ways. That's the stuff! Why, 
 you look like odds-on now. Throw your shoul- 
 ders back, step springy, and remember that it's 
 been sometime since Annie even sorted over the 
 discards." 
 
 Some diff 'rent Sunday afternoon programme 
 than what we'd laid out, wa'n't it? But it suits 
 me just as well; and you should have seen 
 the way Uncle Andy braces up to it. I leaves 
 him to go round and enter proper by the front 
 gate, while I shins over the side fence. 
 
 It's a perfectly good garden for the kind, 
 with a lot of windin' paths and shrubbery, and 
 a cute little summerhouse balanced on a rock 
 in the middle. And, sure enough, there's An- 
 nie inside, rockin' away placid in a rustic chair, 
 and lettin' on to be readin' a book. Rather a 
 plump, stylish lookin' party, Annie seems to 
 be ; with a few streaks of gray in her hair and 
 a sort of comf 'table, motherly air about her. 
 
 I was scoutin' around at a safe distance, one 
 eye on her and the other on the path, when I 
 hears a giggle from behind a big syringa bush. 
 
 " Oh, you Vee! ' : says I. " I've tagged 
 you." But there's a swish and a rustle, and 
 away she goes. 
 
 Well, I sprints after her, followin' the sound;
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 281 
 
 but it's quite some time before I corners her at 
 the end of a grape arbor. 
 
 " A-ha! " says I. "I thought you'd be out 
 lookin' for me." 
 
 " Pooh! " says she. " I didn't mean to let 
 you catch me at all. I just came out to see how 
 Uncle Andy was getting along." 
 
 " Let's, then," says I. " Ain't it rich, 
 though? Why, the old sport started as kitten- 
 ish as a three-year-old. "Where can we get good 
 reserved seats? ' 
 
 11 I know," says Vee, chucklin'. " Come 
 along," and she leads the way to a clump of 
 bushes that makes a sort of a screen between 
 the summerhouse and the back of the garden. 
 From behind that we was just as good as sit- 
 tin' in orchestra chairs. 
 
 "Gee!" srjs I, "but they're dead slow, 
 ain't they? Look at the distance betwesa 'em." 
 
 And, honest, all Uncle Andy was dom' was 
 lookin' at the book she'd been makin' a bluff 
 at readin', and fussin' with his collar, that 
 maybe I'd got a trifle snugger 'n he was used to. 
 
 " See how schoolma'amy she's behaving,'' 
 says Vee. " Why doesn't she give him a 
 chance? " 
 
 They was a stiff pair, for sure. And both of 
 'em wise to what was on the card, too ! Uncle 
 Andy fin'lly ventures to hitch his chair a little 
 closer, and Miss Annie does her part by leanin'
 
 282 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 over and pointin' out something in the book. 
 But in ten minutes that was all the progress 
 they'd made. 
 
 " Oh, shucks! " says Vee. " It'll take them 
 all summer at this rate." 
 
 " What they need is a little scientific speed- 
 in' up," says I. " Suppose we start some- 
 thing? " 
 
 " But how? " says Vee. 
 
 I whispers out my scheme, and after a few 
 giggles she says: 
 
 " All right. But just in fun, you know." 
 
 " Not at all," says I. "I'm doin' this as a 
 solemn duty to Uncle Andy. Come ahead now 
 reg'lar schooldays clinch, and keep up the 
 gay chatter durin' the march past." 
 
 That's the way we did it, too arms twined, 
 heads close together, and both of us whisperin' 
 nonsense and gigglin' over it, and never pre- 
 tendin' to notice there was anyone within a mile 
 of us. I'd have given a dollar, too, to have got 
 a squint at the old pair in the summerhouse as 
 we marches on down the path towards the 
 house. But I couldn't. 
 
 By that time the giggles was the real thing, 
 and Vee was so tickled over the scheme that 
 she has her head bent clear over my shoulder 
 and I was lookin' into them big, laughin' gray 
 eyes of hers at close range, and I was feelin' 
 sort of glad and tingly all over when all of a
 
 SPEEDING UP UNCLE ANDY 283 
 
 sudden I gets sort of a chill, and we both looks 
 up, to find Aunty standin' glarin' at us, not 
 ten feet ahead. 
 
 " Verona! " she snaps out like the crack of 
 a whip. " What does this mean? " 
 
 And for a sudden break away that must have 
 been near the record. 
 
 " Why, Aunty," begins Vee, " we were only 
 only" 
 
 " Exhibition performance, that's all," I cuts 
 in, "for the benefit of Uncle Andy and the 
 other half of the sketch. Just givin' 'em a line 
 on how it ought to be done, you know. Wait! 
 I'll see if it took effect," and I dodges back 
 down the path a ways. " Oh, say! " I sings 
 out cautious, beckonin' excited with both hands. 
 " Come ahead easy and take a look! " 
 
 It was a tough decision to put up to Aunty: 
 for she had a few urgent remarks on tap for 
 Vee and me. But she didn't want to miss out 
 on any crucial moment, either. And after one 
 look around she comes trottin' along, with Vee 
 after her. I hadn't been springin' any fake 
 bulletin. The scene in the summerhouse was 
 worth viewin'. That clinch of ours was catch- 
 in', all right. Uncle Andy might have been 
 some out of practice, and maybe Annie was new 
 to the game; but they was cuddled up some 
 cozy, and they acted like they wa'n't in any 
 hurry to let go.
 
 284 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Well, I must say! " remarks Aunty. 
 drew appears to have succeeded." 
 
 " All of that," says I. " But don't mention 
 it. Vee and I only did it to oblige, you know," 
 with which I does a quick exit towards the 
 front gate. 
 
 Maybe that don't get by either; for Aunty's 
 a wise old girl. But, say, I guess at that I'm 
 some solid with Uncle Andy, who lives next 
 door.
 
 CHAPTER XVH 
 
 A KICK IN BY TOECHY 
 
 IT'S just as I was streakin' through the ar- 
 cade, here one Saturday noon a few weeks 
 back, that I bumps into this tall, awkward 
 specimen of the frock coat who's standin' right 
 in the middle of the passageway gawpin' up 
 at the floor directory. As I was in a hurry, we 
 met up some solid. 
 
 11 Ah, say!" says I. "Why not do that 
 sleep- walkin' act on the roof, where there's 
 more room? " 
 
 " I I beg pardon, really! " he gasps out, 
 rescuin' his silk lid from the marble tiles and 
 jammin' it on hind side front. " I I was 
 merely " 
 
 "Chee!" I breaks in. "Ferdinand, eh? 
 'Nough said." 
 
 Remember Ferdy, do you, the one that Miss 
 Marjorie Ellins fin'lly picked out for her very 
 ownest own; and how we married 'em off last 
 winter, with a simple home weddin' that was 
 almost as quiet and unpretentious as a circus 
 parade? Well, this is him, shell-rimmed eye- 
 gla3ses and all. But the long coat and the 
 
 285
 
 286 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 shiny turret was new additions. He used to 
 go moonin' about, you know, in baggy-kneed 
 pants, leather puttees, a Norfolk jacket, and a 
 cloth hat that had lost all its shape. 
 
 " Well, well! " says I. " All gussied up for 
 high tea, ain't you? Where's the walkin' stick, 
 though! " 
 
 Ferdinand inspects each hand, and then 
 flushes up guilty. " Why, I I must have mis- 
 laid it again. Pshaw! " says he. " That's the 
 third this week, you know." 
 
 " Well, the week's most over," says I. 
 " You ought to start in Monday with one 
 chained to your wrist; that is, if you're bound 
 to lug one around." 
 
 " It's on Marjorie's account, you see,'* 
 says Ferdy. -" She er she thinks I ought 
 to." 
 
 " Oh-ho! " says I, winkin'. " And I expect 
 she inspires the frock coat and the glossy lid? 
 Trainin's well under way, I see." 
 
 " Oh, but Marjorie's perfectly right about it, 
 you know," says he. "A man shouldn't go 
 about looking tacky. She's quite right." 
 
 ' ' You got the idea, Ferdy, ' ' says I. "If you 
 can't win out in an argument, beat her to it. 
 But how do you happen to stray so far down 
 town? " 
 
 " House hunting," says he. 
 
 " In the Corrugated Trust Buildin'? " flays I*
 
 A KICK IN BY TORCHY 287 
 
 " You see," says Ferdy, "I'm looking up a 
 real estate firm which has offices here." 
 
 " Call it off, then," says I. " Wrong day, 
 Ferdy. Why, if you found 'em open at all 
 you'd only get next to some two-by-four clerk. 
 Saturday afternoon, you know, all the bosses 
 are off playin' golf, or tryin' out their new 
 tourin' cars. Better wait until Monday." 
 
 " Pshaw! says Ferdy. " And Marjorie will 
 be so anxious to know what I found out ! You 
 see, this sort of thing is all new to me. ' ' 
 
 " I can believe that," says I. 
 
 In fact, I don't know of any kind of real es- 
 tate business that wouldn't be new to Ferdy. 
 Course, I understand, when it comes to lookin' 
 over a collection of jades, or discoverin' prizes 
 at an old book auction, that Ferdy has some 
 standin' as a wise guy. But there's no use 
 denyin', even if he is in the fam'ly now, that, 
 outside of a few specialties, Ferdy is more or 
 less of a prize boob. He don't even have sense 
 enough to beat it back to his club when I hints 
 that it's lunchtime. 
 
 " Why, is it? " says he. " Really, now! " 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. " But maybe you'll join 
 me in a hot fried egg sandwich and a mug of 
 chicory? " 
 
 " Why er thank you," says Ferdy. " I 
 think I will." 
 
 What do you know about that, eh? Me set-
 
 288 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 tin' up a fifteen-cent handout to one of the Van 
 Eusters, and him costumed for Sherry's or 
 Del's! It seems, though, that my little tip had 
 just naturally bugged Ferdy's whole pro- 
 gramme, and he don't know what to do next. 
 It all comes out between bites, while we're 
 sittin' there in the armchairs at the dairy 
 lunch. 
 
 Him and Marjorie had gone to housekeeping 
 you know, real modest and unassumin', in one 
 of them four-story and basement brownstone- 
 front affairs up on the West 70 's; with only 
 one butler, and just a rented limousine, and a 
 few simple little necessities like that. "Wonder- 
 ful, ain't it, how fine you can cut it when you 
 make up your mind? And with the cost of 
 tiaras all the time goin' up, and your Steel 
 preferred only payin' about 18 per cent.! 
 
 Course, they visited back and forth a good 
 deal at the Ellins house on Fifth-ava and with 
 Ferdy's folks at their big country ranch, and 
 Marjorie stands it noble all winter until the 
 weather begun to warm up, and then all of a 
 sudden she comes out with her gr^nd scheme. 
 They must build a country place. Right away, 
 too! 
 
 " Do you know," says Ferdy, finishin' the 
 last of the fried egg, " we became frightfully 
 interested, sat up nearly all night sketching 
 plans, and right after breakfast I hurried dow*
 
 A KICK IN BY TORCHY 289 
 
 to that McKee chap who builds such stunning 
 golf clubs and so on. But what do you sup- 
 pose? ' 
 
 " He stole the plans," says I. 
 
 " No," says Ferdy, " he just laughed. Said 
 a house like that would cost a hundred thou- 
 sand, and wouldn't be fit to live in, anyway. 
 I suppose it was a little spread out, the way 
 we had planned. Besides, he said we couldn't 
 build inside of a year, and Marjorie wants to 
 move within a month, at least." 
 
 " Think of that! " says I. " They ought to 
 keep such things in stock. What was your next 
 move! >: 
 
 " Why, I was talking with Marjorie 's father 
 about it, you know," says Ferdy, " and he ad- 
 vised us to buy one ready built. ' Pick up some 
 other fellow's mistake,' says he. Shrewd old 
 chap, Mr. Ellins." 
 
 " Old Hickory's all of that," says I. " Why 
 don't you let him find one for you! ' 
 
 " But he won't," says Ferdy. " Wants me 
 to do it myself, you see; and he offers to pay 
 half the cost if I can buy a place without being 
 cheated." 
 
 " Gee! " says I, " but that's some proposi- 
 tion! I'd go after that." 
 
 "I'd like to," says Ferdy; "-but how am I 
 to know I Still, I've been getting lists of coun- 
 try houses, and some of the prices seem quite
 
 290 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 reasonable. I suppose I'd better settle on one 
 and buy it." 
 
 " Offhand, just like that? " says I. " Why, 
 you'd be stung sure." 
 
 " Would If " says Ferdy, starin' sort of' 
 helpless. " But I must find something some- 
 where. Marjorie's already planned a house- 
 warming party, and she has asked Miss Vee 
 and a lot of " 
 
 "Eh?" I breaks in. "Why, say, Ferdy, 
 that makes this worth lookin' into. Maybe I 
 could help." 
 
 " Oh, I say," says Ferdy, beamin' grateful 
 through his glasses, " that would be bully of 
 you ! You see, if I could really find a bargain 
 why, Mr. Ellins would " 
 
 " I get you," says I, " and, believe me, he 
 deserves gettin' set back! Ferdy, leave it to 
 me. You can't tell me what you want because 
 you don't know yourself. But I can make a 
 guess, and if I don't run somethin' down within 
 a week, I '11 sick on someone who can. ' ' 
 
 Maybe that was some heavy bluffin' on my 
 part; but what's the use stayin' outside when 
 you see a chance to kick in? And thinks I, 
 " Now, if I can only But never mind all 
 them sunny dreams of mine. You know what 
 gen 'rally happens in a case like that. 
 
 But I gets busy. I don't go first off to any 
 bloomin' real estate shark. I starts with that
 
 A KICK IN BY TOBCHY 291 
 
 hunch of Old Hickory's about buyin' someone 
 else's mistake. And what I begins with is a 
 search for parties that had made mistakes re- 
 cent. Eh? Well, where do they make big mis- 
 takes oftenest and quickest? Answer to yes- 
 terday's puzzle: Wall Street. So it's me for 
 a review of the financial news for two or three 
 weeks back, takin' special notice of such chatty 
 items as seats posted for transfer, voluntary 
 petitions, and receivers appointed. After that, 
 of course, it's only a matter of huntin' through 
 the telephone directory to find where they live. 
 
 And you should have seen me that afternoon 
 in the 'phone booth, blowin' my coin reckless 
 against long distance calls and givin' an imita- 
 tion of a big realty operator playin ' himself for 
 a winner. It goes somethin' like this: 
 
 "Hello! Is this Birchwood Terrace? Well, 
 say, I want to talk to Mr. Collister. Yes, the 
 boss. Ah, what's that to me if he is engaged? 
 This is important. Put him on the wire. Yes, 
 yes! Ah, Collister? Say, what are you holdin' 
 Birchwood at? Yes, I know haven't really 
 put it on the market, and all that. But you're 
 thinkin' of unloadin'? Thought so. Now 
 what's your lowest figure for a cash offer? 
 Eh? Ah, come, Mr. Collister, this is no relief 
 fund you're up against! Yes, I expect it did 
 cost you something like that; but that kind of 
 property ain't like a bank, you know. You
 
 292 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 can't always take out what you put in. Course, 
 if you can swing it for a couple of years you 
 may find some easy mark who Say, now, 
 wouldn't twenty thousand flat tempt you? No? 
 Well, don't get peeved about it. I might offer 
 twenty-five if I got real desp'rate. There, you 
 see, we're gettin' together. Come now, twenty- 
 seven? Certified check on day of sale. Eh? 
 That's right, think it over. I'll call you up 
 again say about Tuesday next. So long." 
 
 What did I know about Birchwood Terrace? 
 No more'n you. I was just takin' a chance : not 
 one ; but a dozen. Honest, at the end of an hour 
 I'd paid out four sixty-five, got stung by three 
 snippy butlers, been roasted to a turn by a 
 couple of chesty owners, and had talked myself 
 hoarse. But I'd got track of six or seven 
 joints, located all the way from Ardsley-on- 
 the-Hud. to Coscob, Connecticut, and there was 
 no tellin' but some of 'em might do. That was 
 up to Ferdy. 
 
 For the next few days, too, I has him keep 
 the limousine gears hot, joggin' around lookin' 
 'em over, only givin' him one at a time, so he 
 don't get his ideas mixed, and makin' him re- 
 port definite after every trip. I'd call him up 
 in the mornin', for instance, and say: 
 
 ' ' Here, Ferdy, take this down : Oak Lawns, 
 Scarsdale; gentleman's country place; ten 
 acres; genuine old Colonial house; eighteen
 
 A KICK IN BY TORCHY 293 
 
 rooms; three baths; fine duck pond; and 
 a billiard room on the third floor. Take 
 a squint and let me hear from you before 
 noon." 
 
 Then maybe in half an hour I'd get a mes- 
 sage something like this : ' * Yes, that may be a 
 nice place; but Marjorie says she doesn't know 
 anyone in Scarsdale, and she objects to ducks, 
 and she thinks the billiard room ought to be on 
 the first floor, and she doesn't want an old 
 house, anyway. She prefers a new one, you 
 know. ' ' 
 
 " Correct," says I. " Lemme sift out a few 
 then. Nothing old, no duck ponds Say, Mar- 
 jorie got any friends in White Plains? Off it 
 goes then. How about up along the Sound? 
 Oh, she has, eh? That's good. Well, here's 
 Crestholm; Mr. Burton Speedwell, owner. 
 That has" 
 
 " Speedwell? " breaks in Ferdy. " Why, 
 that's right next to Tommy Hunter's place! 
 We've been through that, and it's perfectly 
 corking! Why, it's one of those white cement 
 affairs, with a cute green-tiled roof, and 
 splendid big porches, and a cunning for- 
 mal garden, and a perfectly gorgeous view 
 from " 
 
 " Say," I cuts in, " never mind the raptures, 
 it do, that's the main question? " 
 Oh, it would be lovely! " says Ferdy.
 
 294 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 " Well, then," I goes on, " Speedwell's ask- 
 in' price is thirty thousand. How about it? " 
 
 " Why, I guess that's about right," says 
 Ferdy. 
 
 " Gwan! " says I. " Why, his firm got 
 nipped in that cotton flurry last week, and he's 
 got to turn everything into cash, down to his 
 socks. He'd be glad to get twenty, maybe 
 eighteen. Do I get your 0. K. on an offer of 
 twenty? " 
 
 I did. And I was about to call up Speedwell, 
 when I has a rush of thought to the head. It 
 was time I did. " Huh! " thinks I. " And 
 where does little Percival get a look-in? Nay, 
 nay! " So I rings up a firm of swell house 
 brokers, makes a deal to deliver a place for 
 sale and a customer for the same, and has 'em 
 put it in writin' that half the commission comes 
 to me. They was glad to do it, too. 
 
 Say, what do you know? Inside of four days 
 the papers are all signed, and the next mornin's 
 mail brings me in a three-figured check that's 
 the biggest slice of easy money ever chucked 
 my way. Some class, eh? Why, for two or 
 three days there I could have patted Morgan 
 on the back! 
 
 Then there was Ferdy still to hear from. 
 Well, I listened and listened. Nothing doing. 
 Another week slips by. No grateful response 
 from Ferdy. I get it from Mr. Eobert that he
 
 A KICK IN BY TOBCHY 295 
 
 and Marjorie are mighty busy preparin' to 
 move out to their new country place. Next I 
 hear they're there. Well, Ferdy's an absent- 
 minded dope, after all, and maybe he expects 
 to slip it to me when he asks me out to that 
 house-warmin' stunt. 
 
 So maybe you can guess how sore I am, here 
 the other day, when I hears Mr. Robert tele- 
 phonin' his man to take the four-thirty-six out 
 and have his things ready at Crestholm in time 
 for dinner. It was on, then ! And I ain't even, 
 so much as asked to come out and help serve 
 the icecream, or string up paper lanterns. Vee 
 was goin' to be there too, and Oh, well, when 
 you get to bein' sorry for yourself you can 
 waste a lot of sympathy, can't you? I grins 
 and takes it out on Piddie. Course, come to 
 think of it serious, I wa'n't exactly in the house- 
 party class; so what could I expect? But as 
 the day went on the grin came harder and 
 harder. 
 
 ' ' Oh, by the way, ' ' says Mr. Robert, stoppin' 
 at the gate on his way back from luncheon, " I 
 met Mclvers, the real estate broker down in the 
 arcade just now. He seems to think we have 
 rather a bright young man somewhere in our 
 office." 
 
 " Another hidden mystery, eh? " says I. 
 
 " Not so much of a one," says he. " The 
 description seemed to fit you. But you haven't
 
 296 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 been speculating in country house property, 
 have you, Torchy? " 
 
 " There wa'n't any spec to it," says I. "It 
 was a cinch. I just bunched a place and buyer 
 for 'em, that's all." 
 
 " I see," says Mr. Robert. " You just 
 By Jove, young man! it wasn't the one Ferdy 
 got at such a bargain, was it? " 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I. 
 
 " Whe-e-ew! " whistles Mr. Robert. " So 
 that's how Ferdy came to do it! And did you 
 happen to know the arrangement he had with 
 the Governor about that? " 
 
 " Sure," says I. " Ferdy don't keep much 
 back, you know." 
 
 ' ' But see here ! ' ' goes on Mr. Robert. ' ' You 
 saved Ferdy something like eight thousand on 
 that deal. Has he er remembered you in 
 any way? ' 
 
 " Ferdy ain't long on mem'ry," says I. "I 
 was sort of lookin' to be rung in on some of 
 these house-party doin's. Miss Vee, you know, 
 is go in' to be there, and 
 
 " And he has forgotten you? " says Mr. Rob- 
 ert. " Ferdy 's an ass! ' 
 
 " He means well, I expect," says I. 
 
 " Humph! " says he. " He'll do more than 
 that. Hand me that telephone book ! ' 
 
 And, say, you know Mr. Robert. He don't 
 half do things. Inside of ten minutes I has
 
 A KICK IN BY TOECHY 297 
 
 profuse apologies and a perfectly good invite 
 from Ferdy, and then Mr. Robert takes me in 
 tow and we beats it down Broadway to the 
 swellest gents' clothing store in town. 
 
 ' ' Ferdy has an account here, ' ' says Mr. Rob- 
 ert; " so you can go the limit. We'll start in 
 by getting a full evening outfit." 
 
 Well, that 's what happened. From clawham- 
 mer and white vest we goes right down the line, 
 includin' a silk-faced Tuxedo, half a dozen dress 
 shirts, and a bundle of black silk socks at one- 
 fifty a throw per each. He even had the nerve 
 to charge up an English sole leather suitcase 
 that we stowed the loot in. Honest, I almost felt 
 like a taxi bandit as we comes out. Wanted me 
 to go right along up with him and butt in at 
 dinner, Mr. Robert did; but I drew the line at 
 that. 
 
 " Why, there's to be dancing, I believe," 
 says he. 
 
 " Maybe I'll show up on the side lines for 
 that," says I. 
 
 And it's lucky; for, believe me, there was 
 some struggle before I got harnessed into that 
 new open-faced uniform for the first time. At 
 that, though, it wa'n't much after nine o'clock 
 when I lands out at Crestholm; and as I walks 
 in there's Marjorie in the hall, givin' the glad 
 hand to late comers. 
 
 11 Oh, you dear! " says she, makin' a rush
 
 298 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 and givin' me the shoulder tackle. " I've just 
 heard it was you who found this perfectly 
 splendid place for us." 
 
 ' ' Ouch ! ' ' says I. " Do I have to get mussed 
 just for that? " 
 
 " I told Ferdy I was going to," says she. 
 11 Now Collins will show you your room, and 
 please come right down. There's someone here 
 you'll be wanting to see. She doesn't know, 
 either. Quick, and you may have a glimpse of 
 her now! There! ' I got the glimpse, all 
 right ; and it included a long-legged guy with a 
 hemp pompadour. 
 
 " Who's the lengthy one with her? " 
 says I. 
 
 11 Oh, that's Sappy Westlake, of course," 
 says Marjorie. " But don't mind him." 
 
 ' ' Thanks, ' ' says I. " I '11 try not to. ' ' 
 
 It was easy enough to say; but as I stops on 
 the stair landin' for another look back at 'em, 
 down sails a stiff-necked old female party, and 
 the next thing I know she's paused to give me 
 the gimlet eye. It's Aunty! 
 
 11 Ah! " says she, with that sniff of hers. 
 " Mr. Robert's young protege! ' At that she 
 squints down to where Vee and Sappy Westlake 
 was just clinchin' for a waltz, and then she 
 turn to give me one of them pickled-lime smiles 
 of hers. Get the idea, don't you? Sappy 's the 
 one Vee's aunt has put the inspected stamp on.
 
 A KICK IN BY TOBCHY 299 
 
 and it sure does look like he was havin' things 
 all his own way. 
 
 Well, I didn't have a word to say. Marjorie 
 was busy when I comes down again, and as 
 there wa'n't any other reception committee on 
 duty, I kind of dodges around the edge of the 
 crowd, until I fin'lly finds myself out on a side 
 veranda where I has plenty of elbow room and 
 can get a good view of the orchestra through 
 the open window. Anyway, it was a fine night 
 to be on the outside lookin' in, nice and warm, 
 with a full moon, and all that, so I balances 
 myself on the railin' and does my best to 
 enjoy it. All I really needed for the hermit 
 act was a solitaire outfit, or a cut-up picture 
 puzzle. 
 
 I hadn 't been there long though, before I sees 
 the partic'lar couple I'm most int 'rested in 
 come strollin' out through the double doors to- 
 wards me. And, say, if there's anything that 
 gives me more courage than I got any right to 
 have, it's Vee in a party dress. Course, I don't 
 expect it's the same one she wore the first time 
 I ever saw her; but it's all the same to me. 
 Maybe there's less sleeves to this one, or more 
 lace on it ; but it matches up well with that sea- 
 shell-tint flush on her cheeks. She has a wide 
 band around her straw-colored hair too, and she 
 looks Well, she's Vee, that's all, and that's 
 enough! I steps out smilin' and cheerful.
 
 300 TRYING OUT TOBCIIY 
 
 There's no doubt about it bein' a surprise, 
 either. 
 
 " Why why, Torchy! " she squeals, drop- 
 pin' Sappy 's arm and meetin' me halfway. 
 
 " I bob up now and then, don't I? " says I. 
 " But just a minute Westlake, isn't it? " 
 
 He admits it is, gawpin' curious at me. 
 " That's all right, then," says I. " And, 
 Westy, you'll find Ferdinand out front some- 
 where. You can catch him if you hurry." 
 
 " But why er what ' he begins. 
 
 " Oh, he'll tell you all about that," says I. 
 " You ought to get a move on, though. That's 
 right. I'll take care of the young lady, and if 
 you don't find us right here when you come 
 back why, we'll be somewhere else." 
 
 " Why er thanks awfully," says Sappy, 
 startin' off dazed. 
 
 11 Noble lookin' youth," says I. " Must be 
 awfully int 'resting, too. Eh? Say, what's the 
 matter with me, Vee ? Have I got something on 
 wrong, or left something off, or 
 
 " No, no! " says Vee. " And I didn't mean 
 to stare at you that way; only only 
 
 " Oh, if that's all," says I, " keep it up. As 
 long as I can stare back, I guess I win." 
 
 ' * Pooh ! ' ' says she. ' * You haven 't forgot- 
 ten how to jolly, have you? But you do look 
 nice, you know." 
 
 " Help! " says I. "I'm being kidded! But
 
 A KICK IN BY TORCHY 301 
 
 I hope it's true, for the sake of the comp'ny 
 I'm in. As a matter of fact, Vee, you don't 
 look so bad to me, specially in that classy out- 
 fit. Though maybe I shouldn't pass any re- 
 marks on the dress. Does Sappy, now? ' 
 
 11 He never fails," says she. " ' Kegular rip- 
 pin'! ' is his stock expression." 
 
 " Then I'm in right for once," says I, " even 
 if it is only for a minute. I hope Westy is a 
 patient searcher." 
 
 ' ' Did Ferdy really send for him I ' ' says she. 
 
 " I didn't say so," says I. "I merely sug- 
 gests to Westy where he' could find him if he 
 tried." 
 
 " Torchy ! " says Vee, workin' up a weak line 
 of indignation to cover a giggle. ' ' You had nQ 
 right. He he isn't so stupid as he looks." 
 
 11 I should hope not," says I. " Maybe I'd 
 better go lead him back? " 
 
 11 Oh, well, since he's gone," says Vee, 
 " never mind." 
 
 11 Then suppose we camp over here on the 
 rail and wait," says I, " and you can tell me 
 all about Sappy." 
 
 11 Keally, now! " says Vee, liftin' her eye- 
 brows sarcastic. 
 
 " I know you're dyin' to tell someone," says 
 I. " But honest, Vee, is it all settled? " 
 
 11 Oh! " says she. " Does it matter? " 
 
 " A heap," says I. " Course, Vee, I don't
 
 302 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 have any rating in this, and I expect I ought 
 to" 
 
 " S-s-sh! " says she. " I think that Aunty's 
 coming. Yes, it is. You might ask her, you 
 know. ' ' 
 
 " Good-night! " says I, swingin' my legs over 
 the veranda rail and droppin' easy onto the 
 lawn. I'm in the shadow of the pillar there; 
 so when Aunty arrives all she discovers is Vee 
 sittin' by her lonesome. 
 
 " Not deserted, my dear? " says she. 
 
 11 Not quite," says Vee. " Waiting for Mr. 
 Westlake to come back." 
 
 " Ah! ' says Aunty, breathin' deep and 
 satisfied. And as she disappears inside I comes 
 up smilin' on the other side of the rail. 
 
 " Well? " says I. ''As we was saying? " 
 
 " You can see for yourself, can't you? " says 
 Vee, spreadin' out the fingers of her left hand. 
 And, say, there's nothing like a ring in evi- 
 dence. 
 
 " Lemme look closer," says I, gatherin' it 
 in gentle. " One two three four Why, 
 that's so, Vee! Then then it isn't settled? " 
 
 " Silly! " says she. " Of course not not 
 yet, anyway." 
 
 " Ahem! " says I. " But there's an elegant 
 site for a nice solitaire spark right here." 
 
 " Pooh! " says Vee. " I think diamonds 
 are vulgar."
 
 A KICK IN BY TORCHY 303 
 
 " Me too," says I. " See, all I wear is this 
 little birthstone ring Mr. Robert gave me last 
 Christmas. Say, I wonder if it would Well, 
 blamed if it don't! Look at that! " 
 
 Vee snatches her hand away and looks. Then 
 she sort of hesitates and smiles down at me 
 and and Well, I sort of smiles back at her 
 too, I guess; and I don't know how long it was 
 I'd been gazin' into them big gray eyes of hers, 
 gettin' nearer and nearer, until I has sense 
 enough to just naturally reach up and Well, 
 we was makin' a clean, quick breakaway when 
 the orchestra inside starts up one of them 
 jiggly, lively new dance tunes, and across the 
 veranda to our corner comes Sappy Westlake, 
 with his brow furrowed up puzzled. 
 
 " Oh, I say, you! " says he. " Ferdy doesn't 
 want me for anything." 
 
 " No more do we, Westy," says I; and then, 
 whisperin' to Vee, " Shall we try this one? 
 How about springin' the turkey trot? Sure, I 
 can. I 'd tackle anything with you for a part- 
 ner, I guess. Only I have to count for a start. 
 One two Now we're off! " and as we 
 swings in through the doorway onto the waxed 
 hardwood floor of the big drawin' room, I gets 
 a glimpse of Sappy Westlake standin' there 
 with his mouth still open. 
 
 " Look, Vee! ' says I. " I believe your 
 friend Westy 's tryin' to swallow the moon."
 
 CHAPTEE XVIII 
 
 PICKING UP A FEIEND 
 
 WHEW! Say, believe me, I've had it handed 
 to me seven ways for soup greens, and all on 
 such short notice and with so many kinks in 
 the programme that I don't know whether I'm 
 a bush-leaguer, or on the bench with McGraw! 
 
 It all starts so salucious, too. Eh! Why, 
 salucious comes from the Greek, by way of 
 Ellis Island, and it means why, just salucious ; 
 you know, like someone was feedin' you cafe 
 par fait, and ticklin' you with a willow plume, 
 and the band was playin'. 
 
 Anyway, I'd picked a prize out of the morn- 
 in' mail, just a dinky little envelope with one 
 of Vee's cards in it; but in one corner is 
 penciled faint and hasty the mystic summons, 
 " Sunday, 3 P.M." Do I have to hunt up a 
 Sixth-ave. seeress to discover the hidden mean- 
 in'? Not so, Percival! I'm a Willie Wise, and 
 from then on it's a case of watchin' the rosy 
 dawn all day with me, and passin' out kind 
 words to Piddie, and wonderin' how anybody 
 can lug around a grouch such lovely weather. 
 Say, for thirty-six hours or so there I sports a 
 
 304
 
 PICKING UP A FKIEND 305 
 
 disposition that would have had a front-row 
 cherub lookin' like little Harry havin' the 
 mumps on circus day. 
 
 And at two-fifty-nine Sunday afternoon what 
 do you guess? Me in my new Norfolk suit and 
 best straw lid, appearin' jaunty at the garden 
 gate. Course, I might have taken a chance on 
 the front door; but as long as nothing of the 
 kind was mentioned in the specifications, and as 
 i aadn 't heard a word from Vee since that little 
 affair at Marjorie's house warmin', where we'd 
 left Sappy Westlake on the porch with his 
 mouth open, why well, I've met Aunty face to 
 face a few times before, you know, and I could 
 sort of forecast that if there was any welcome 
 sign on the doormat it wa'n't meant special 
 for me. 
 
 Maybe you remember, too, how Uncle Andy's 
 house is right next door, and that I stood aces 
 high with him. So it's into Uncle Andy's I 
 strolls first, down the side path, and out to the 
 back where there's a break in the hedge. Then 
 sort of soft I gives the " Oh, you! " signal. 
 There's nothing doing in the response line, 
 though. But that's Vee's way. I slips through 
 and scouts around until I locates the spot where 
 I'd found her once before, and whistles again. 
 More silence. 
 
 "That's right!" I calls out. "Kid me 
 along. I'm a good waiter."
 
 306 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 I was pawin' around the shrubb'ry, rubberin' 
 here and there in likely spots, when all of a 
 sudden I fetches up in front of the summer- 
 Jiouse and finds myself bein' looked over curi- 
 ous through a pair of gold lorgnette glasses 
 by about the classiest specimen of gray-haired 
 lady I'd ever got close to. No antique, you 
 know; but one of these middle-aged queens 
 that's lost her raven tresses but has kept a 
 strangle hold on her daylight complexion and 
 her graduation day figure. 
 
 " Well, young man? " says she, not peevish 
 or haughty, understand, but sort of amused and 
 sociable. " You seem to be looking for some- 
 one. ' ' 
 
 " Uh-huh," says I, grinnin' sheepish. 
 
 " Verona, isn't it? " she goes on. 
 
 " If you think that's a close guess," says I, 
 " why, well" 
 
 II But it isn't a guess," says she. " I'm 
 quite certain. And you are Torchy; I can tell 
 that by your er " 
 
 ' ' Go on, " says I, ' ' pink thatch will do if you 
 can't think of anything else. No use my tryin' 
 to travel incog with that growin' on me, is 
 there? But what then? If I'm in wrong, I 
 know the way out," and I starts to back off. 
 
 " Oh, that isn't brave at all," says she. 
 " And I'm sure you're not afraid of me. Come, 
 I'll confess. I sent the card myself."
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 307 
 
 " Gee! " says I. "A bee bite! " 
 
 " I beg pardon? " says she, liftnr her eye- 
 brows puzzled. 
 
 " Caught nappin' on second, that's all,'* says 
 I. " Well, I'm tagged. What happens to me 
 now? " 
 
 11 You'll forgive me, I'm sure," says she; 
 " but I thought it best to have a little talk with 
 you. Won't you come in here and sit down? " 
 
 Say, she was a chatty converser, all right. 
 It just bubbled out, all mixed up with smiles 
 and shoulder shrugs, and willowy arm mo- 
 tions, not to mention a lot of shifty business 
 with the eyes. Just seemed to come natural to 
 her, this snake charmer act, and who was I to 
 give her the frosty face? I walks in, but not 
 without lettin' her know I hadn't shut both 
 eyes. 
 
 " Most time for Aunty to show up with her 
 tomahawk, eh? " says I. 
 
 She lets go of a few silvery gurgles at that. 
 " You are rather keen, aren't you? " says she. 
 
 " Now and then I have my doubts about 
 that," says I; " but I ain't hung out the To 
 Let sign just yet," and I taps my forehead. 
 
 " My word! " says she. " But I hasten to 
 assure you that Verona's Aunt Sally is not in 
 ambush. You see, when I thought of that plan 
 of sending one of Vee's cards to you, I also de- 
 cided to pack them both off for the afternoon.
 
 308 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 And I've done it. Now you're wondering 
 why? " 
 
 " Something like that," says I. 
 
 11 Well, then," says she, settlin' herself back 
 conf table on one of the seats and balancin' the 
 lorgnette between the tips of two fingers, <{ it 
 was because I found Sally had been making 
 such a mess of things. She is an excellent 
 woman in many ways, you know; but er " 
 
 " I get you," says I. " That's about how 
 I'd sized her up, too; sort of fish-eyed and 
 frosty." 
 
 " Oh, dear no! " protests the lady. " That 
 is, if I understand at all your amazing idioms. 
 A certain lack of tact, let us call it, and a per- 
 fect genius for mismanaging affairs in which 
 young people are concerned. Of course, Verona 
 has a temper of her own, too." 
 
 " Say," I breaks in, " couldn't we leave Miss 
 Vee out of this? " 
 
 "Ah, a knight to the defense! Bravo!' 1 
 says she, smilin' sort of quizzin'. " But we 
 simply can't leave Verona out. It's all about 
 her and Sally, you know. I found them at 
 swords' points oh, actually glaring at each 
 other! There 'd been a rumpus. It was all 
 about a ring Vee was wearin'. Now! ' : 
 
 " Huh! " says I, turnin' red behind the ears. 
 
 "Then it was yours!" says she, clappin* 
 her hands. " Vee wouldn't say where it came
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 309 
 
 from, you see. Sally couldn't get a word out 
 of her. She insisted on knowing, demanded, 
 stormed, all that sort of folly. And of course 
 Verona wouldn't tell then. I'm sure I wouldn't, 
 either. But with you it is different. Now, I'm 
 asking you frankly; does it mean anything at 
 all, that ring? " 
 
 And me, I'm sittin' there with my toes turned 
 in, studyin' a crack in the floor and wonderin' 
 if my back collar button will melt or just ex- 
 plode. 
 
 " But there ! " she goes on, changin' her tone 
 and startin' off on another tack. " Perhaps 
 you ought to know first just why I am inter- 
 ested. I'm Mrs. Basil Burke. " 
 
 " Gee! " says I, gawpin' at her. " The Mrs. 
 Burke." 
 
 " Oh, yes," says she, lettin' out more ripples, 
 " the awful Mrs. Burke! You've been reading 
 the newspapers, young man I ' ' 
 
 Just as though anybody could have skipped 
 all them big headlines for so long. Why, as far 
 back as when I was on the Sunday edition we 
 used to run a half-page story about her every 
 few months, reviewin' all the details of how the 
 stunnin' Kentucky girl " Queen of Blue Grass 
 Beauties " was always worked in somewhere 
 had left her noble young lover waitin' at the 
 church and eloped with a seventy-year-old Wall 
 Street plute ; how the n. y. 1. had buckled on his
 
 310 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 deadly derringers and chased 'em to Europe 
 and all over the map, violatin' the Interstate 
 Commerce Law and the Concert of Nations, un- 
 til he fin'lly gets run in by a French cop that 
 he'd upset in his hurry to catch a train. 
 
 But you've read all that. The young lover 
 had a good press agent on the job, and when he 
 gets back home he promptly marries one of the 
 disappointed bridesmaids and gets himself 
 elected to the Legislature; while the old plute 
 shuffles off sudden at Monte Carlo, and the 
 dashin' young widow comes back to open up the 
 Fifth-ave. house, fight the will contest, and 
 break into society. 
 
 Well, after that, you remember, she stars in 
 that bathin' suit dinner dance; proceeds to 
 make a monkey out of that Duke of Spaghetti, 
 who almost lost his royal job on her account; 
 and as a finish she's mixed up in this double 
 divorce suit of the Willie Van Cleek's, which 
 probably got the Newport alimony bunch more 
 free advertisin' than any other event for years. 
 
 No wonder she decided to stay abroad for 
 a while then! But it seems her knack of at- 
 tractin' the spotlight hadn't been left behind; 
 and, while I ain't letter perfect on all her giddy 
 doin's over there, I got a gen'ral idea that she 
 had at least one other hubby in the discards be- 
 fore she blooms out as Mrs. Basil Burke. Any- 
 way, her pickin' the pet officer of the Royal
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 311 
 
 Lancers, and bein' presented at court when 
 four double-chinned Duchesses said she should- 
 n't well, that wa'n't missin' any tricks ex- 
 actly, was it? And here was this matrimony 
 -expert puttin' me through the third degree 
 about why Vee was wearin' my birthday ring! 
 
 " Excuse me," says I, takin' my eyes off my 
 toes, " but just where do you fit in? " 
 
 11 Where do I Oh, I see," says she. 
 ** Why, Everett Westlake happens to be my 
 nephew. ' ' 
 
 " Sappy? " says I. 
 
 " Now, now! " says Mrs. Burke, shakin' a 
 finger at me. " You mustn't speak of him in 
 that way, you know. It's not respectful. Per- 
 haps you do not know precisely who Everett 
 is? " 
 
 " I had a hunch," says I, " that he was the 
 one Aunty had passed on as all right for Miss 
 Vee." 
 
 " Yes, yes, of course," says Mrs. Burke; 
 tl but, aside from that distinction, Everett is a 
 nice, well bred young fellow, with many good 
 qualities and only a few bad habits. True, he 
 may not be very brilliant; but he is a gentle- 
 man, the Westlake fortune is a big one, and he 
 is an only son. Also his great-great-grand- 
 father was a patroon." 
 
 " Eh? " says I. 
 
 " We will not stop to go into that," says she,
 
 312 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 smilin' condescendin'; " but I may say that, 
 in our crudely organized society, the descend- 
 ants of those old Dutch patroons are our only 
 real aristocrats. Verona, too, can claim a simi- 
 lar ancestry." 
 
 " You mean they're both upper crusters, 
 eh? " says I. 
 
 Mrs. Burke nods. " One of Verona's an- 
 cestors," says she, " was Governor of Man- 
 hattan." 
 
 " Must have been a Tammany boss, then," 
 says I. "I never heard about that." 
 
 " But you knew that she was an heiress, I 
 suppose? " says she. 
 
 " I ain't looked her up in Dun's yet," says I. 
 " Got it in big bundles, has she? ' 
 
 " Not in her own right, as yet," goes on Mrs. 
 Burke; " but there's a great deal of money in 
 the family, and, while her poor father squan- 
 dered most of his portion, Verona, thanks to 
 her Aunt Sally, has never felt it. She has had 
 every advantage, every luxury, that was good 
 for her, foreign travel, her own maid, the best 
 of everything, from clothes to society. She has 
 been accustomed to such things all her life. 
 Do you follow me? ' 
 
 " Oh, sure, I'm trailin' along," says I. 
 " You're puttin' me wise to the fact that Vee 
 belongs to the carriage-trade-charge-account, 
 * Home, Henri ' class. But I sort of suspicioned
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 313 
 
 she wa'n't brought up over any Eight-aye, 
 delicatessen store." 
 
 "Ah!" says she. "And now, Master 
 Torchy, what about yourself! " 
 
 " Me? " says I. " Well, how many great- 
 grandfathers back shall I start at? " 
 
 " Suppose we begin at the other end of the 
 line? " says she. " Now just who and what 
 are you? " 
 
 " Why, I'm Torchy, that's all," says I. 
 "I'm ancestors, forefathers, head of the house, 
 and everything else, all in one." 
 
 " But your father," she breaks in. " Surely 
 you can tell me " 
 
 " Nope," says I. " That's where I'm shy. 
 Fact is, I got about as much fam'ly hist'ry as a 
 cold storage egg." 
 
 " There must have been someone whom you 
 remember, though," she insists. 
 
 " Nobody but Uncle Bill," says I, "and I 
 ain't dead sure he was a real uncle at all. Any- 
 way, he didn't take it serious enough to pay 
 my board in advance when he slid out without 
 leavin' any address; and, as Mrs. Leary used to 
 say, no genuine gent would have been so 
 thoughtless." 
 
 " And who, pray, was Mrs. Leary? " asks 
 Mrs. Burke. 
 
 " A widow lady that kept furnished rooms 
 down on West 9th-st., ' ' says I. * ' Mr. Leary, he
 
 314 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 was in one of the Hook and Ladder companies 
 until a wall fell on him. Then there was only 
 her and Hunch and me ; so we all had to rustle. 
 It was Hunch got me my first job too, in the 
 W. U. T. district office." 
 
 " So you were a messenger boy? " says she. 
 
 11 Not for long," says I. "I couldn't stand 
 the night shift. The bunch was too tough. 
 Confidential gate work suits me better." 
 
 " Gate work? " says she. 
 
 " Don't overlook the confidential part," says 
 I. " That's where I've got it on the common 
 office boys. I'm with the Corrugated Trust peo- 
 ple, you know." 
 
 ' ' Ah ! ' ' says she. ' ' And I presume you earn 
 quite a nice salary? " 
 
 " It looks good to me along about three P.M. 
 Saturday," says I, " but after I've paid my 
 board, and stowed away a week's lunch money 
 well, maybe you know how it goes." 
 
 " Quite so," says Mrs. Burke. " But now 
 do you not see, my dear young man, how utterly 
 absurd it is for you to presume to er to con- 
 tinue coming here, for instance? ' 
 
 " On account of my holdin' a job and havin' 
 mislaid my ancestors? " says I. 
 
 1 i Well, put it that way, if you choose, ' ' says 
 she. 
 
 *' Why," says I, " I don't know as I'd ever 
 thought it over."
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 315 
 
 " That's just the point," says she. " And I 
 want you to think it over. Here you are a 
 a nobody, a mere, nameless boy, working some- 
 where in an office, with no history, no future; 
 and here are Verona and Everett. By the 
 way, your meeting with Verona was an acci- 
 dent, I presume? " 
 
 " Nearly," says I. "I wa'n't givin' a party, 
 exactly. It was at a dance, and I was subbin' in 
 the cloakroom." 
 
 11 I see," says Mrs. Burke. " And Verona, 
 most likely, was amused at some of your pert 
 speeches? ' 
 
 " Maybe," says I. " Anyway, one of the 
 Percys reniged on a dance, and she stumped 
 me to go on with her, and I did it. Aunty had 
 her first catfit then. She's been havin' 'em 
 ever since, whenever she runs across me." 
 
 " Absurd of her, to be sure," says Mrs. 
 Burke; " but it's her way. Don't you see, 
 though, that you are only aiding a wilful, prank- 
 ish girl to indulge a mischievous whim? Pure 
 thoughtlessness on Verona's part, of course; 
 but it causes Sally to lose her temper, and it 
 has annoyed poor Everett." 
 
 " Gee! " says I, " but that's tough on Ev- 
 vie." 
 
 " Please remember that my nephew," says 
 Mrs. Burke reprovin', " is Verona's social 
 equal. Come, now are you? "
 
 316 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 Say, she had the punch to put over when the 
 time came. "What comeback did I have to that? 
 Oh, this one-man 's-as-good-as-another stuff is 
 all right out in the street; but let's see you lug 
 it into the parlor. Honest, the way she'd led up 
 to jabbin' that question at me caught me with 
 both hands in my pockets and my feet crossed. 
 
 " Why," says I, " I don't claim to be any- 
 body in partic'lar, I guess." 
 
 ' ' There ! ' ' says she. ' ' I knew I could make 
 you see it. Not but that you aren't rather a 
 bright, amusing young fellow of your kind; but 
 Verona and Everett, of course, are different." 
 
 Which was soothin' news, wa'n't it? I felt 
 like a brass watch hung in Tiffany's window by 
 mistake. " Well, what then? " says I. 
 
 " Why, now that you understand," she goes 
 on, " it seems to me that your simplest course 
 would be to write a brief note to Verona, asking 
 her to return the ring. That would put a stop 
 to all this nonsense at once. Couldn't you do 
 that? " 
 
 " But but I only let her have it in fun, you 
 know," says I, " and I don't see how I could 
 call it in without " 
 
 " It's the only honorable thing for you to 
 do," breaks in Mrs. Burke. " I've tried to make 
 that clear, I think." 
 
 " Well," says I, scratchin' my head and try- 
 in' to frame up some way of dodgin' such a raw
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 317 
 
 deal, " I don't want to stick around where I 
 ain't wanted; but but " 
 
 There comes a crunch of tires on the blue- 
 stone driveway, and in whirls Aunty's limou- 
 sine, circles in front of the summer-house, and 
 stops under the porte cochere. Aunty has 
 spotted us, too. I got a glimpse of her stiffen- 
 in' up as she swings by, and she no sooner gets 
 out of the car than she pikes straight for us. 
 There's someone else with her; not Vee, but a 
 lady with copper red hair and a heavy dust veil 
 over her face. She comes along, too. 
 
 You could see the fire in Aunty's eyes half a 
 block off; but what was the use in my doin' a 
 back dive and jumpin' the fence? Besides, as 
 long as this ragin' scandal was the order of the 
 day, I thought it might as well be threshed clear 
 out; so all I does is get on my feet and lean 
 more or less careless against a post. Mrs. 
 Basil Burke has caught the battle signal, too, 
 and she proceeds to head Aunty off prompt. 
 
 " Ah, back so soon, Sally! " says she. " Now 
 don't look like a thundercloud. Yes, this is 
 Torchy, and he and I have been having a nice 
 chat together. He understands everything now, 
 and he's going to be good. There! What do 
 you think of that? " 
 
 " Humph! " says Aunty, glarin' at me sus- 
 picious. " How does he happen to be here? " 
 
 " I invited him, Sally," says Mrs. Burke.
 
 318 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " And I think he was just going. Were you 
 not, Torchy? " 
 
 " I'm on my way now," says I, startin' down 
 the path. 
 
 It looked like that was where it would end; 
 for all Aunty does as I passes is to give me a 
 shoulder shrug and the frigid stare. I'd got 
 past her safe enough and was almost to the 
 drive, when I meets the other lady. I'd stepped 
 one side to let her by, when she stops sudden, 
 kind of gasps, and drops a parasol she's 
 carryin'. 
 
 Course, that's my cue to pick it up, hand it 
 back, and tip my lid polite. By that time, 
 though, she's brushed back the veil and is star- 
 in' at me harder 'n I've been looked at for some 
 time. And, say, I don 't know why, but I didn 't 
 mind her lookin' at me that way at all. It was 
 different from any sizin' up I've ever had be- 
 fore, kind of gentle and friendly, you know, 
 and maybe a little sad. Might have been only 
 them big eyes of hers, though. Anyway, I 
 guess I stared back; for, while she wa'n't what 
 you'd call a professional beauty, I expect, she 
 was worth lookin' at. She had a face that 
 seemed to have something in it, not the cold, 
 showy kind, like Mrs. Basil Burke 's, but but 
 well, diff 'rent. 
 
 We didn't say a word, either of us, which 
 wa'n't so strange maybe, and it only lasted a
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 319 
 
 second or so. Then I has sense enough to lift 
 my lid again and go along. Somehow, I knew 
 she was lookin' after me, even then, and I'm 
 dead sure I heard her call to Aunty and ask, 
 " Sally, who in the world is that boy? " But 
 what description Aunty gave of me I didn't 
 catch. I guess it's just as well, too. 
 
 And it's funny, ain't it, how deep a little 
 thing like that can stir you up? Here Mrs. 
 Burke had put across a proposition that should 
 have been enough to keep my dome works busy 
 for the rest of the day; but I guess what I 
 thought most about for the next few hours was 
 this strange lady with the sad, gentle look in 
 her big eyes. 
 
 Between times I chewed over Mrs. Basil 
 Burke 's suggestions on what a nobody I was; 
 and, while I couldn't quite get to the point of 
 writin' that note, I could see where it ought to 
 be done. For, come to figure it out, who the 
 blazes was I, anyway? Trouble has got to be 
 some sizable too, before I lug it to the feathers 
 with me; but that's one of the nights when I 
 did. 
 
 Even next day I knew it was there, knockin' 
 around in my belfry, sort of disturb in' the 
 works. So I was feelin' a little less chesty and 
 chipper than usual, with all them rosy dreams 
 of the Saturday before faded from sight. It 
 was near lunchtime when one of the arcade
 
 320 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 specials come up from the ground floor and 
 says how there 's a lady out front in a taxi ask- 
 in' for me. 
 
 " Gee! " thinks I. " Vee bringin' back the 
 ring! ' 
 
 But it wa'n't. It's the lady with the copper- 
 colored hair. She's watchin' through the open 
 cab window, and as I comes out to the curb she 
 smiles real friendly. 
 
 " You'll not think me merely curious, I 
 know," says she, holdin' out one hand, " but 
 Mrs. Burke has told me something of your 
 story, and I want to ask if if You said 
 there was an uncle, didn't you? " 
 
 " Why, yes," says I. " As I remember, I 
 called him Uncle Bill." 
 
 " But his full name! " says she eager. 
 " What was it? " 
 
 " Seems to me it was Hayes," says I, 
 " Hayes or Haines, or something near that." 
 
 " Then then it cannot be," says she, sighin'. 
 ' ' Oh, pardon me ! I mean that I've made a mis- 
 take. I thought, perhaps But that doesn't 
 matter. Thank you so much, Torchy! I I 
 wish it could have been. I I think I like you, 
 you know." 
 
 And me well, I guess I was some fussed. 
 " I don't kick any on that," says I. " I guess 
 you're all right, too." 
 
 " Which makes us friends then, doesn't it! "
 
 PICKING UP A FRIEND 321 
 
 says she. " But listen; my home is abroad. I 
 am on my way to the steamer now. Here, here 
 is a card with my Paris address. If you should 
 learn anything more of of your father, or of 
 this uncle, or if you should need help of any 
 kind, or advice, I want you to promise to write 
 tome. Will you? There, then! And good-by, 
 Torchy! Good-by!" 
 
 With that I'm left standin' there on the side- 
 walk, gazin' after the taxi and holdin' her card 
 in my hand. 
 
 The worst of it all is, though, that I'm still 
 askin' myself, What's the answer? I ain't 
 goin' around talkin' about it much, though. 
 Someway, I feel like keepin' it to myself until 
 I can think it out. I did sound Mr. Robert, to 
 see if he'd ever heard of the name on the card. 
 He hadn't. There was nothin' left but for me 
 to call up Mrs. Basil Burke on the 'phone and 
 ask her. That took some nerve; but I did it. 
 
 " A-ha! " says she. " So here, is someone 
 else who is curious. Well, Torchy, I shall be 
 pleased to tell you all about her when I hear 
 that you have asked Verona to return your 
 ring. Will that be to-morrow 1 ? ' 
 
 ' ' No, ' ' says I, ' ' nor the day after, either. ' ' 
 
 11 Why," says she, " I thought you under- 
 stood that " 
 
 " Sure I do," says I. " I'm a bright, amus- 
 in' sample of one of the lower orders that has
 
 322 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 almost human instincts. I can be joshed along, 
 or led on a string; but when you try to club 
 me into doin' a thing, I'm apt to balk. Nix, 
 Mrs. Burke it's all off ! " 
 
 And, havin' unloaded that from my chest, I, 
 hangs up. Was it a boob play? Am I lettin^ 
 myself in bad all round? You can search me. 
 I wish well, I wish that steamer of hers had- 
 n't sailed yet. Somehow, I'd kind of like to 
 put it all up to her, you know, the one with 
 the gentle eyes.
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 
 
 SEEMED kind of odd too, that while I'm still 
 sore on this fam'ly hist'ry business, it should 
 be Piddie that rubs in the salt. He was plan- 
 nin' for his vacation flit and givin' me the usual 
 long winded lecture on not doin' this and bein' 
 sure to do that. It 's an annual mystery to Pid- 
 die how the Corrugated ever struggles through 
 the two weeks when he's away every summer. 
 
 " All right, Piddie," says I. " We'll do the 
 best we can to keep the concern afloat. Yes, 
 I'll watch the office supplies like I was a plain 
 clothes man guardin' weddin' presents, and if 
 I catch any of the lady typists snitchin' pencils 
 or carbon sheets I'll wire you at once. By the 
 way, will just Newport fetch you? ' 
 
 " We are going West," says Piddie impor- 
 tant. " Out to Ohio." 
 
 11 Gee! " says I. " Way out there? What's 
 the idea? " 
 
 11 I've been asked to attend a reunion of the 
 Piddie family," says he, swellin' up chesty. 
 
 " You don't mean it!" says I. "Then 
 there's others like you? How many, now? " 
 
 323
 
 324 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 " Over three hundred invitations have been 
 sent out, I understand," says he. " That em- 
 braces the twelve known branches of our family 
 in this country. There will be representatives 
 present from England also, one of them a mem- 
 ber of the House of Commons. We trace our 
 line back, you know, to Sir John Piddie, who in 
 the 16th century was knighted for " 
 
 Say, if Mr. Robert hadn't rung the desk 
 buzzer just then I expect I'd been loaded up with 
 enough Piddie genealogy to have filled a book. 
 As it is I'm sent out on an errand, wonderin' 
 why it is some has their ancestors all card in- 
 dexed, while others have lost theirs in the shuf- 
 fle. There was Vee and Sappy AYestlake, that 
 could tell you where their folks was all planted. 
 Even a pinhead like Piddie could roll off the 
 lineage stuff. And me, I couldn't go any fur- 
 ther back than a possible Uncle Bill. 
 
 That accounts, I expect, for my huntin' up 
 Hunch Leary the same evenin' and trailin' 
 along home to supper with him. He's got a 
 new job, Hunch has, you know. Uh-huh! 
 Started in by buyin' up a few choice grandstand 
 seats for some of the big ball games, and now 
 he's shook the messenger uniform and is a reg'- 
 lar pavement broker. You can see him any 
 night out on Broadway, with his fist full of 
 dollar bills and orchestra centers, and a house 
 diagram under his arm.
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 325 
 
 Quite a hot sport he's gettin' to be, too. I 
 discovers also that Mother Leary ain't Mrs. 
 Leary any more, but Mrs. Connolly, havin' an- 
 nexed a coal and ice dealer who'd been a 
 widower quite some time and had a couple of 
 half-grown kids of his own. 
 
 " Then there's little Bub," explains Hunch, 
 " who's arrived since the new deal, so we got 
 some mixed f am 'ly. ' ' 
 
 " Don't kick on that," says I. " You know 
 where they all came from, anyway." 
 
 And Mother Leary that was seems glad to 
 see me. She's put on some weight since she 
 quit runnin' a boardin' house, and she's 
 bloomed out with a lot of new hair. She ain't 
 forgot, though, how to dish up corned beef and 
 cabbage so they taste better 'n anything your 
 French chefs can put across. Maybe it was my 
 expressin' a few sentiments along that line that 
 gets her in such good humor after supper. 
 Anyway, it looked like a good time for me to 
 chance openin' the Uncle Bill topic, which 
 wa'n't a favorite with her, as I remem- 
 ber. 
 
 " Where was it we drifted in from, though? ' 
 says I. 
 
 " Where, is it? " says she. " Sure, and 
 that's more'n I ever knew, bless you. A wee 
 lad of four or five you was then ; with a hungry 
 look on your face, and the eyes of you starin'
 
 326 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 strange at everything, like you'd never seen 
 folks afore." 
 
 11 And Uncle Bill," says I, " what was he 
 like? " 
 
 " Maybe he wa'n't such a bad lot, at that," 
 says she. " Only sort of shiftless, I guess. 
 Nothin' to be proud of, I can tell you, skippin' 
 out that way, and him three weeks behind in 
 his board." 
 
 " Never wrote back, eh? " says I. 
 
 " Not him," says she. 
 
 11 How about unclaimed baggage! " 1 
 asks. 
 
 " Precious little did he come or go with," 
 says she. * ' And all he left was some little suits 
 of yours and a few knicknacks." 
 
 " What sort of knicknacks? " says I. " Any- 
 thing with a name on it? ' 
 
 " Never a name," says she, " and little you'd 
 want unless unless Well, ye might as well 
 have it now. It's a gold locket. I'll get it from 
 the bureau drawer. There! Inside 's a pic- 
 ture, too." 
 
 It's one of these plain, round, thin affairs 
 and we has to use a table knife to pry it open. 
 The picture was a dinky portrait of a youngish 
 woman with big, dark eyes that sort of stared 
 at you serious. 
 
 " The hair's painted red, see? " says Mother 
 Leary. " That's why I thought it might be of
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 327 
 
 some relation of yours. Don't remember any 
 such face, do you? ' 
 
 " No," says I, " and yet Well, it most 
 seems as though I'd seen it somewhere, too." 
 
 " Very like," says she, " when you was a 
 ; little shaver. Ye may keep it. It may come 
 back to ye." 
 
 But it hasn't, though. Every night for a week 
 I took a look and tried to remember, but I 
 couldn't get it any clearer. And there I was, 
 as far from bein' able to give my pedigree as 
 ever. 
 
 Just about then I had what I call one of my 
 mornin' hunches. You know 'em, don't you? 
 Hits you when you first roll out, clear and 
 hard, and sort of gives you a new angle on 
 things all in a flash. You wonder too, why you 
 never saw 'em that way before. My hunch was 
 like that. 
 
 " Huh ! " thinks I. " What's the use bother- 
 in' about a fam'ly tree, unless it's the kind 
 that has real estate parcels and bunches of 
 dividend bearin' stocks hangin' from the 
 ] branches? Look at Piddie, tracin' clear back to 
 Sir John, and never gettin! a cent out of it. 
 Seems like my play, with no help from behind, 
 is to enter as an unknown and qualify in the 
 young plute class. That's a detail I've been 
 neglectin'." 
 
 And say, that was the great thought I lugs
 
 328 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 down to the office with me that mornin'. 
 Course, I wa'n't worryin' but what I could do 
 it, for I'd seen too many boneheads who'd won 
 out without half tryin'. And here I was, right 
 next to the big money bunch, and one of the in- 
 siders, as you might say, of an aggregation that 
 had to run four sets of books to keep track of 
 all the profits and make the common stockhold- 
 ers think they was gettin' a square deal. Who 
 had a better chance, I'd like to know? Maybe 
 some would have thrown out hints, or sprung it 
 on the firm gradual. But that ain't my style. 
 
 " Mr. Robert," says I next mornin', " hadn't 
 we better be lookin' around for some first class 
 man to fill my place? ' 
 
 "Why, Torchy!' 1 says he. "You're not 
 thinking of leaving us, are you? " 
 
 " Nothing so raw as that," says I. "I'm 
 ready to be taken in, that's all." 
 
 " Ready to what? " says he, starin' sort of 
 puzzled. 
 
 " Oh, to have my name go on the letter 
 heads," says I. " Course, this office boy snap 
 has been all right for a time, and I ain't regis-j 
 terin' any kick on the way I've been used, but 
 I'm ripe for something fatter now." 
 
 " Oh! " says he. " You'd like to be pro- 
 moted? " 
 
 " Say, that don't cover it, not near," says I. 
 " It ain't being moved up a peg or two that I'm
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 329 
 
 strikin' for. What I'm plannin' is a broad 
 jump, from the brass rail here into a room of 
 my own, with my title on the ground-glass door 
 and a whack at the dividends. Get the 
 scheme? " 
 
 " By degrees," says he. " It's it's rather 
 sudden, isn't it? " 
 
 " Most everything good comes that way," 
 says I. 
 
 " True, very true," says Mr. Robert. " But 
 er what particular office, Torchy, do you 
 think you would like? ' 
 
 " Oh, I ain't picked out anything special," 
 says I; " but you know, Mr. Robert, there's a 
 lot of dubs holdin' down cinch jobs here that 
 ain't any more use than a ham sandwich at a 
 Chamber of Commerce dinner. I'll leave it to 
 you which of 'em needs the fresh air worst. 
 Only I want to break into this high finance thing 
 right off." 
 
 * * H-m-m-m ! ' ' says he. ' ' You don 't mind 
 my consulting the Board first, do you? ' 
 
 " Not a bit," says I. " Make it as regular as 
 you like, so long as it ain't held up more'n a( 
 week or two." 
 
 " Ah, thank you, Torchy," says he. " And 
 in the meantime er will you kindly fill this 
 inkwell for me? " 
 
 It's a jolly, all right. Don't get the idea I 
 ain't hep to that. I ain't been with the Cor-
 
 330 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 rugated two years with blinders on, and when 
 I see Mr. Eobert straighten out his mouth and 
 work up wrinkles in his eye corners, I know 
 he thinks he's passin' out something comic. 
 
 But that's what I was lookin' for. It's a 
 heap better openin' than go in' on the carpet 
 with your toes twisted and stutterin' out how 
 you'd like a little raise if it was convenient. 
 How should the boss guess how good you are 
 unless you think it out first for him yourself? 
 Old Chris Columbus didn't wait for someone to 
 pat him on the back and tell him he was a great 
 discoverer, did he? He hired a band and went 
 around shoutin' it out, and when it come to a 
 show-down he made good. That's the way I felt 
 about starrin' myself for a roll-top job with the 
 Corrugated. I'd got to the point where I 
 wanted something juicy in the salary proposi- 
 tion, and I was makin' my play along lines I'd 
 tried out before. 
 
 But for once the system didn't work. For two 
 or three days Mr. Eobert seems to forget the 
 little plan I'd put up to him, and then one after- 
 noon he comes in from lunch about 2.30, feelin* 
 contented and good natured with himself, and 
 as he passes my desk by the door he has a sud- 
 den rush of memory to the head. 
 
 " By the way, Torchy," says he, " about 
 that application of yours for the third vice- 
 presidency."
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 331 
 
 " Make it second vice," says I, "as long as 
 you're turnin' it down." 
 
 " Very well, second," says he. " But, while 
 we have not as yet definitely concluded that we 
 cannot avail ourselves of your offer, the matter 
 has heen temporarily laid on the table." 
 
 " Huh! " says I. " Hot air for nothing do- 
 ing, eh? " 
 
 ' ' Not exactly, ' ' says he. ' ' As a compromise 
 however, I am authorized to state that early 
 next month a vacancy will occur in the bonding 
 department, and if you care to consider " 
 
 " Nix, not, never," says I. "No time killin' 
 job on a long legged stool for little Percival. 
 I know what that means growin' gray headed 
 on forty-five a month waitin' for someone to 
 die. Say, if that 's the best you can do, you save 
 it for some director's son, some bright young 
 college hick that don't know a stock quotation 
 from the marks on a laundry ticket. But I hand 
 in my two weeks' notice right now." 
 
 " Very well, Torchy," says Mr. Robert. 
 " We shall be extremely sorry to lose you." 
 
 " Oh, you'll stand the blow, all right," 
 says I. 
 
 " May I ask if you have any definite plans! ' 
 says he. 
 
 " Well, the Curb looks kind of good to me," 
 says I. " Guess I know the game well enough 
 ito make a start."
 
 332 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 " Going to run a shoe-string into a million, 
 eh? " says he. 
 
 " Ah, no margin pikin', for me," says I. 
 " Commissions! And I've got more'n a shoe- 
 lace to butt in with, too. Never told you about 
 that Glory Be gold mine stock, did I? " 
 
 Mr. Eobert pricks up his ears at that, and 
 before we'd quit I'd told him all about how I 
 come by it, and had promised to bring it up from 
 the safety box so he could look it over. As it 
 happens I had a chance to get down there with 
 the key that same day, and before closin' time I 
 lugged the stuff in to him. 
 
 " Have you ever looked this up? " says he, 
 after he's read the giddy lithograph clear 
 through. 
 
 " It ain't listed," says I, " but the last I 
 knew it was worth about fifteen." 
 
 " Fifteen cents a ton? " says he, grinnin'. 
 
 Say, I knew Mr. Robert meant well, but that 
 got me sort of huffy. 
 
 " I'll put up options on all you can deliver 
 at ten a share, ' ' says I. "I got that from Mr. 
 Belmont Pepper, and if you knew him as well 
 as I do you'd " 
 
 " Ah, but I do know of Belmont Pepper, 
 Torchy," says he, pressin' a button. " Wait a 
 moment, I think we have a report on this very 
 mine. ' ' 
 
 Say, he did, and it sure was a crusher. Noth-
 
 HOW THE GLOKY BE CAME BACK 333 
 
 ing less than an abandoned claim that had been 
 salted to sell to suckers and was chiefly valuable 
 to catch rain water in. Also the expert goes on 
 to say that Mr. Pepper was wanted in four 
 states for unloading fake shares. 
 
 Well, there it was in black and white, and 
 nobody had a better hunch than me that the 
 Corrugated Trust didn't carry any useless fic- 
 tion on its records. 
 
 " It's too bad to destroy such a beautiful 
 trust as yours, Torchy," says Mr. Robert, " but 
 false hopes do not make a very substantial 
 foundation for a career." 
 
 " Yes, that's all right," says I, swallowin' a 
 lump in my throat. "I'm one of the sucker 
 family, I guess, but but I didn't think it of Mr. 
 Pepper. Say, he looked like the real goods." 
 
 " So I have been given to understand by 
 others," says he. " This being the case, how- 
 ever, I suppose you will reconsider " 
 
 " Not much," says I. "I'm quittin' the 
 office boy game two weeks from to-day. It's 
 time I made a break anyway, and if the Cor- 
 rugated ain't got a place for me worth while, 
 then I'll use up some shoe leather lookin' for a 
 firm that has." 
 
 Maybe that sounded some chesty when I shot 
 it off, and I judged Mr. Robert took it for the 
 real gritty article; but when I come to get out 
 of the office that night, and go off by myself for
 
 334 TRYING OUT TOBCHY 
 
 a general view of the situation, I didn 't feel half 
 so cocky. Being chummy with the main stem, 
 and gettin' on chatty terms with nine per cent, 
 quarterlies is all well enough as far as it goes. 
 Cashin' in such friendships is different. 
 
 I didn't know how much like a down-and- 
 outer I felt until I found myself on a park 
 bench over in Madison Square, with my chin on 
 my collar and my hands in my pockets, just like 
 the other no-goods that drift in there from all 
 parts of the map. My gold mine stock had been 
 shown up phony, my bluff at joshin' a salaried 
 job out of Mr. Eobert hadn't got over, and in a 
 fortnight more I'd be out with the banner chas- 
 in' a new pay envelope. I'd look nice, wouldn't 
 I, callin' on a young plutess like Miss Vee? 
 
 1 ' Bah ! ' ' says I, lettin ' out a grouchy growl 
 and movin' over on the bench as a seedy speci- 
 men wearin' a blue shirt and baggy kneed cor- 
 duroy pants camps down alongside of me. He's 
 carryin' an old kit bag and as he slumps down 
 he drops it careless on my toes. It felt like it 
 was loaded with pavin' stones, too. 
 
 " Ouch! " I squeals. " Say, why don't yon 
 look where you're dumpin' your quarry sam- 
 ples? " 
 
 " Oh, I beg pardon! " says he. "I'm afraid 
 I was clumsy about dropping my Why, 
 hanged if it isn't Torchy! " 
 
 Course, in that alfalfa rig, and with all that
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 335 
 
 long hair and them sunburned whiskers, it 's no 
 wonder I didn't spot him at first; but the min- 
 ute I hears that deep, smooth voice, I know it 
 can't be anybody else but the one party I've 
 been thinkin' hardest about for the last hour 
 or so. 
 
 " Huh! " says I, " Pepper." 
 
 " At your service," says he, makin' one of his 
 old time bows and then shovin' out the friendly 
 palm. I pretends not to see it. 
 
 " What's the game now? " says I, kickin' the 
 bag. " Gold bricks? " 
 
 " Why, Torchy! " says he. " This from 
 you! " 
 
 " I know," says I. " Last time we met I 
 was Simple Zeke from Clover Corners, and I 
 had a swallow like an empty alligator. But 
 even the greenest of us ripens up in time. 
 Maybe I'm still verdant on the shady side of 
 my nut ; but I 'm dead onto you, Pepper. ' ' 
 
 And honest, to see the way his jaw dropped 
 and the look that came into his eyes, you'd 
 thought I was a false friend that he'd trusted 
 his watch to, and I was showin' him the pawn 
 ticket. 
 
 " I am both pained and surprised, Torchy," 
 says he. " Why, I thought we were old " 
 
 " Sure we was," says I. " And the last I 
 heard of you was when we shook hands, right 
 over there on the corner of Broadway, and you
 
 336 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 gave me your word about goin' West to work 
 the Glory Be." 
 
 " Well," says he, " I kept my word." 
 
 " Gwan! " says I. " It's a fake. I've read 
 the expert's report, and it ain't any more a 
 gold mine than an Eighth-ave. sewer is the Pan- 
 ama Canal. It never was either, and you knew 
 it too, when you made such a flourish about 
 presentin' me with that stock." 
 
 * ' All of which I admit, ' ' says Pepper. ' ' Yet 
 for nearly twelve months I've been out there 
 plugging away at that same discredited hole in 
 the ground." 
 
 " You have? " says I. 
 
 " Look at those hands," says he, holdin' out a 
 pair of calloused lunch hooks that would have 
 done credit to a Dago hod-carrier. 
 
 I i I should say they carried the autograph of 
 honest toil," says I. 
 
 " Perhaps you would like to know why I was 
 foolish enough to make such a monumental ass 
 of myself? " says Pepper. 
 
 II I ain't missin' a word," says I. 
 
 " Well, then," he goes on, " it was merely 
 because, in a moment of gratitude to a certain 
 red haired youth who not only helped me out 
 of a tight box, but insisted in keeping a sublime 
 faith in me, I gave my word of honor that I 
 would go and try it. Do you remember, 
 Torchy? "
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 337 
 
 Did I? Say, it was that grip of Belmont Pep- 
 per's hand and the way he looked me square in 
 the eyes as he left, that made it seem all the 
 harder when Mr. Robert sprung this expose on 
 me. 
 
 " Mr. Pepper," says I, " I take it all back. 
 Maybe you're the slickest ever and I'm still in 
 the Rube class, but you've got me shinnyin' on 
 your side again. ' ' 
 
 " Thank you, Torchy," says he. " And the 
 Lord knows I need it." 
 
 " Then the mine didn't pan? " says I. 
 
 " No," says he. "I knew it wouldn't; but it 
 gave me something to do and Well, it kept 
 me from worse folly. Of course, I know very 
 little about gold mining anyway, and perhaps I 
 shouldn't have recognized pay ore if I'd found 
 it. Just to make sure though, I brought East a 
 lot of the stuff and had it tested." 
 
 11 Well! " says I. 
 
 * ' Just about gold enough in a ton of that rock 
 to plug a front tooth with, that's all," says he. 
 " Want to see some of the precious stuff? " 
 
 I looked over the pieces he handed me and 
 then dropped 'em back in the bag. 
 
 " Fine showing for a year of the hardest 
 work I ever did in my life, isn't it? " says he, 
 bitter and sarcastic. * ' And such a year ! Why, 
 I lived in an old shack hardly fit to keep a dog 
 in, cooked my own meals, washed my own
 
 338 TRYING OUT TOKCHY 
 
 clothes, and went weeks without speaking to a 
 human being. Those who did happen along 
 either told me I was a fool or set me down as 
 crazy; all but that chap from Bullfrog, who 
 turned out to be a card sharp. He just about 
 cleaned out what little cash I had left. Hence 
 my present costume. You see, I had to save 
 enough to pay for the assay. Maybe you'd like 
 to read the report? Here it is," and he fishes 
 a pink sheet out of his hip pocket. 
 
 * * As you are one of the chief surviving stock- 
 holders, Torchy," he goes on, " I'll will you 
 that, and the bag of specimens, too. I'm done 
 with hard work and the narrow path. I know 
 a dozen easy ways of separating people from 
 their money; and by the eternal, I'm going to 
 try some of 'em on again." 
 
 " Then then," I begins, " that gumshoe 
 post-office agent, and all them women you was 
 being mobbed by that day, was right ? You had 
 been doing bunk turns, eh! " 
 
 11 My little enterprises do not always have 
 the hearty approval of the Federal Govern- 
 ment, I admit," says he. " But haven't I tried 
 the other way, too? And see what I've earned ! 
 What's the use? " 
 
 Say, I didn 't know the answer. Only somehow 
 it seemed a shame that a top liner like Belmont 
 Pepper couldn't use them ninety horsepower 
 thought works of his in a game that wouldn't
 
 HOW THE GLORY BE CAME BACK 339 
 
 have him dodgin' deputy sheriffs. Not knowin' 
 what else to do, I took to studyin' the assay 
 office report. 
 
 " Say, Mr. Pepper," says I, stumblin' on 
 something that puzzled me, " what's this item 
 here mean? " 
 
 " Don't ask me," says he. "I read only as 
 far as the second line, about the gold and sil- 
 ver traces. What else do you find? " 
 
 " Why, about this platinum yield," says I. 
 " Ain't that a big percentage? " 
 
 " Hanged if I know," says he, sort of care- 
 less. 
 
 " But I heard only the other day," says I, 
 " that this platinum stuff was worth more'n 
 gold." 
 
 " Eh? " says he, grabbin' the pink sheet. 
 " Why, it does look as if that fool assayer 
 had found a lot of platinum in one of those 
 lumps. Forty per cent.! Why why See 
 here, Torchy, what is it they use platinum for, 
 anyway? " 
 
 " Ain't it for settin' diamonds in? " says I. 
 
 " You're right! " says Pepper, slappin' his 
 knee excited. " I remember, now. There was 
 one vein that I thought was silver at first, and 
 then decided it wasn't because it was so hard. 
 Great Scott! Why, there may be hundreds 
 yes, thousands of pounds of it in that hole. 
 Torchy, perhaps we've struck it, after all.
 
 340 TRYING OUT TORCHY 
 
 Now let's see; I wonder if there are any 
 more samples that show it." 
 
 In another minute the tw T o of us has the bag 
 up on the bench between us and we're pawin' 
 it over excited. * 
 
 "Whoop!' says Pepper, bringin' up a 
 chunk. ' ' Here 's another ! And it is platinum, 
 Torchy; I'll bet a million it is! " 
 
 " Maybe you'll have a million to bet, who 
 knows," says I. 
 
 " We will, you mean," says he. " This is 
 an equal split, Torchy, if anything comes of 
 it. Meanwhile, let's calm down. It will take 
 considerable capital to work this sort of a 
 mine, and I'm sorry to say that my standing 
 as a promoter would hardly reassure " 
 
 " Then let me handle the finance end," says 
 I. "Is it worth a third interest to get in a 
 party that'll put up the cash! " 
 
 "It is just now," says he. " But where 
 can you find one? ' 
 
 " At the present minute," says I, " he ought 
 to be about six blocks up Fifth-ave. from here, 
 playin' billiards at his club and workin' up 
 a dinner appetite. Let's go tackle him." 
 
 So, while Belmont Pepper waits around the 
 corner, I walks into the club as bold as brass, 
 calls Mr. Robert down to the reception room, 
 and gives him the whole tale from start to 
 finish. He shied some at Mr. Pepper's name
 
 HOW THE GLOEY BE CAME BACK 341 
 
 first off, but when I'd supplied all the details 
 about how he'd given up the mine as a bad 
 job, and how it was me first discovers the 
 platinum item, Mr. Robert begun to get inter- 
 ested. He read the report all through, and held 
 the specimens under a readin' glass, and finally 
 I was sent out to tow in Belmont Pepper. 
 
 All that seems like it happened ages ago, 
 though. Must have been a week anyway, for 
 it took two days before Mr. Eobert could get 
 a private report of his own, and the third day 
 we spent organizin' the company; and here I 
 am, the big boss and actin' head of the Glory 
 Be Platinum Company, even if I am doin' it 
 under a guardian act which Mr. Eobert said he 
 was proud to apply for. 
 
 But you should have seen Belmont Pepper 
 just before he caught the Chicago Limited yes- 
 terday on his way West. 
 
 " Gee! " says I. " You don't look like you 
 was goin' out to start a mine. You're cos- 
 tumed to open a pink tea." 
 
 * ' I know, ' ' says he, ' ' but the fact is, Torchy, 
 after wearing a flannel shirt for twelve months, 
 I couldn't resist the flossy raiment. And by 
 the way, young man, you are not so shabbily 
 tailored yourself to-day. Why the frock coat 
 during business hours? " 
 
 "Ah, say!" says I. "It'll be 4.30 soon, 
 won't it? And if I'm due to call on a young
 
 242 TRYING OUT TOECHY 
 
 lady at 5.15, what would I be wearin' jumper 
 and overalls, eh? So long as I cut out the spats 
 and the walkin' stick, don't you worry." 
 
 "Was it Miss Vee? Well, say, who was it I 
 made my big plunge for, anyway?
 
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