^13
 
 UNlVLKSlTi NiA, SAN BIEGC 
 
 LA JOLLA. CALIFORNIA 
 
 361 ^ 
 
 n~ 

 
 presented to the 
 
 UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 SAN DIEGO 
 
 by 
 
 Mrs . Kenneth Murdock
 
 RODKRICK RANDOM 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 Of this Edition of Smol/ett's Novels, Fifteen hundred copies are printed 
 for England and America by Messrs. Morrison & Gibb. 
 Edinburgh. N.B.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 List of Illustration's ...... 
 
 Introduction — General and to Roderick Random 
 The Preface .... 
 
 Apologue 
 
 pages 
 x 
 
 xi 
 
 xxxix 
 xlv 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 Of my Birth and Parentage 
 
 ( I [APTER TWO 
 
 I grow up— Am hated by my Relations— Sent to 
 Si hool — Neglected by my Grandfather—Mal- 
 treated by my Master — Seasoned to Adversity 
 —I form Cabals against the Pedant — Am 
 debarred access to my Grandfather— Hunl d 
 by his Heir— I demolish the Teeth of his 
 Tutor 
 
 1-6 
 
 -10 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 My Mother's Brother arrives — Relieves me A 
 
 Description of him — He goes along with me 
 ! " Mi- I [ou! e "I my ( Grandfather Is encoun- 
 '' r< d by hi I log I »efi ats tin in. after a 
 bloodj ' ", nt I , admitted to tin- old 
 
 Gentleman - A Dialogue between them 
 
 v 
 
 -t6
 
 vi Contents 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 PAGES 
 
 My Grandfather makes his Will — Our second Visit 
 — He dies — His Will is read in presence of 
 all his living Descendants — The Disappoint- 
 ment of my female Cousins — My Uncle's 
 Behaviour ....... 16-20 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously — I form a 
 Project of Revenge, in which I am assisted 
 by my Uncle — I leave the Village — Am settled 
 at an University by his generosity . 
 
 CHAPTER SIX 
 
 I make great progress in my Studies — Am caressed 
 by Everybody — My female Cousins take notice 
 of me — I reject their Invitation — They are 
 incensed, and conspire against me — I am left 
 destitute by a Misfortune that befalls my 
 Uncle — Gawky's Treachery — My Revenge . 26-33 
 
 CHAPTER SEVEN 
 
 I am entertained by Mr. Crab — A Description of 
 him — I acquire the Art of Surgery — Consult 
 Crab's Disposition — Become necessary to him 
 — An Accident happens — He advises me to 
 launch out into the World — Assists me with 
 Money — I set out for London . . . 34-41 
 
 CHAPTER EIGHT 
 
 I arrive at Newcastle — Meet with my old School- 
 fellow Strap — We determine to walk together 
 to London — Set out on our Journey — Put up 
 at a solitary Ale-house — Are disturbed by a 
 strange Adventure in the Night . . . 41-50
 
 Contents vii 
 
 CHAPTER NINE 
 
 PAGES 
 
 We proceed on our Journey — Are overtaken by an 
 Highwayman, who fires at Strap — Is prevented 
 from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, 
 who ride in pursuit of him — Strap is put to 
 Bed at an Inn — Adventures at that Inn . . 50-56 
 
 CHAPTER TEN 
 
 The Highwayman is taken — We are detained as 
 Evidence against him — Proceed to the next 
 Village — He escapes — We arrive at another 
 Inn, where we go to Bed — In the Night we 
 are awaked by a dreadful Adventure — Next 
 Night we lodge at the House of a Schoolmaster 
 — Our Treatment there ..... 56-63 
 
 CHAPTER ELEVEN 
 
 We descry the Waggon — Get into it — Arrive at an 
 Inn — Our Fellow-travellers described — A Mis- 
 take is committed by Strap, which produces 
 strange things ...... 63-71 
 
 CHAPTER TWELVE 
 
 Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the 
 Combat — An Affair between the Captain and 
 me— The Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny 
 five Guineas for a Release — We are in danger 
 of losing a Meal — The Behaviour of Weazel, 
 Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion — An Account 
 of Captain Weazel and his Lady — The Cap- 
 tain's Courage tried — Isaac's Mirth at the 
 Captain's Expense . ..... 72-81 
 
 CHAPTER THIRTEEN 
 
 Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition— Strap's 
 Conjecture — The Mystery explained by Joey — 
 We arrive at London — Our Dress and Appear- 
 ance described — We are insulted in tin- Street — 
 An Adventure in an Ale-house — We are im-
 
 viii Contents 
 
 PAGES 
 
 posed upon by a waggish Footman — Set to 
 rights by a Tobacconist — Take Lodgings — 
 Dive for a Dinner — An Accident at our 
 Ordinary ....... 81-89 
 
 CHAPTER FOURTEEN 
 
 We visit Strap's Friend — A Description of him — 
 His Advice — We go to Mr. Cringer's House — 
 Are denied Admittance — An Accident befalls 
 Strap — His Behaviour thereupon- — An extra- 
 ordinary Adventure occurs, in the course of 
 which I lose all my Money .... 90—97 
 
 CHAPTER FIFTEEN 
 
 Strap moralises — Presents his Purse to me — We 
 inform our Landlord of my Misfortune — He 
 unravels the Mystery — I present myself to 
 Crineer — He recommends and turns me over 
 
 o 
 
 to Mr. Staytape — I become acquainted with a 
 Fellow-Dependant, who explains the Charac- 
 ters of Cringer and Staytape — And informs me 
 of the Method to be pursued at the Navy Office 
 and Surgeons* Hall — Strap is employed . . 97-104 
 
 CHAPl'ER SIXTEEN 
 
 My new Acquaintance breaks an Appointment — 
 I proceed by myself to the Navy Office —   
 Address myself to a Person there, who assists 
 me with his Advice — Write to the Board — 
 They grant me a Letter to the Surgeons at the 
 Hall — Am informed of the Beau's Name and 
 Character — Find him — He makes me his Con- 
 fident in an Amour — Desires me to pawn my 
 Linen, for his Occasions — I recover what I lent 
 him — Some curious Observations of Strap on 
 that Occasion — His Vanity .... 105-115 
 
 CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 
 
 I go to Surgeons' Hall, where I meet with Mr. 
 Jackson — Am examined — A fierce Dispute 
 arises between two of the Examiners — Jack- 
 son disguises himself to attract Respect — Is
 
 Contents ix 
 
 PAGES 
 
 detected — In hazard of being sent to Bridewell 
 — He treats us at a Tavern — Carries us to a 
 Night House — A troublesome Adventure there 
 — We are committed to the Round House — 
 Carried before a Justice — His Behaviour . . 1 15-125 
 
 CHAPTER EIGHTEEN 
 
 I carry my Qualification to the Navy Office — The 
 Nature of it — The Behaviour of the Secretary —   
 Strap's Concern for my Absence — A Battle 
 between him and a Blacksmith — The trouble- 
 some Consequence of it — His Harangue to me 
 — His Friend the Schoolmaster recommends me 
 to a French Apothecary, who entertains me as 
 a Journeyman ...... 125-133 
 
 CHAPTER NINETEEN 
 
 The Characters of Mr. Lavement, his Wife, and 
 Daughter — Some Anecdotes of the Family — 
 The Mother and Daughter rivals — I am guilty 
 of a Mistake that gives me present Satisfaction, 
 but is attended with troublesome Consequences 1 33-141 
 
 CHAPTER TWENTY 
 
 I am assaulted and dangerously wounded — Suspect 
 O'Donnell, and am confirmed in my Opinion — 
 Concert a Scheme of Revenge, and put it in 
 execution — O'Donnell robs his own Servant, 
 and disappears I make my Addresses to a 
 Lady, and am miraculously delivered from her 
 Snare . . . . . . . .141-148 
 
 CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE 
 
 Squire Gawky conn-, to lodge with my Master — Is 
 involved in a troublesome Affair, out of which 
 he is extricated by me 1 le marries my Master's 
 Daughter -They conspin against me I am 
 found guilty of Thefl Discharged Deserted 
 by my Friends I hire a Room in St. <iil 
 Where, by aci id< nt, 1 find the Lady to w horn I 
 made my Add n .1 mi erable Condition — - 
 
 I relieve her . . . . . . .148-159
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 Portrait from an Engraving by T. Holloway Frontispiece 
 Welcomed by the Landlord . . . Face page 60 
 
 Mr. Jackson and the Nymphs . . Face page 121 
 
 The Titles and Binding Designed by F. D. Bedford.
 
 INTRODUCTION— GENERAL 
 AND TO RODERICK RANDOM 
 
 TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT, the 
 youngest in age and the last to die, though 
 not the latest to publish, of the four great 
 English novelists of the mid-eighteenth century, was 
 born in 1721. He was thus Richardson's junior 
 by more than thirty years, Fielding's by fourteen, 
 and Sterne's by eight ; though his first book, Roderick 
 Random, anticipated Sterne's first by nearly twenty, 
 and was only preceded by the first enterprise in each 
 case of Fielding and of Richardson. His birth and 
 extraction were good, his father, Archibald Smollett, 
 being the fourth son of Sir James Smollett of Bonhill, 
 who besides being a judge of the Commissary Court, 
 a member of Parliament, and a commissioner of the 
 Union, was the head of a very respectable family. 
 The novelist, however, could hardly be said to be 
 born to fortune, though, as it happened, had he lived 
 but four years longer than he did he would have 
 inherited his grandfather's estate and family position. 
 Not only had Sir James three sons older than Archibald, 
 not only had Tobias an elder brother and an elder
 
 xii Introduction 
 
 sister, but the marriage of his father with Barbara 
 Cunningham was against Sir James's will. And 
 though the judge did not exactly drive his son out 
 of doors, he held him in no favour, and gave him 
 next to no portion, save the tenancy of the small farm 
 of Dalquhurn, where Tobias was born. 
 
 The biographers of Smollett were for a long time 
 occupied in establishing, and have for a long time 
 since been occupied in demolishing, the theory of the 
 autobiographic character of the novel now presented 
 afresh to the reader. A wise criticism has probably 
 at no time had much difficulty in perceiving that the 
 feelings certain to be excited in a hot and not altogether 
 amiable temperament by a position of dependence, and 
 the individual peculiarities of Smollett's genius, on 
 which more will be said presently, justify a certain 
 parallelism between the experiences of Roderick and 
 Tobias : but that what Tobias says against the 
 relations of Roderick is by no means evidence against 
 the relations of Tobias. The latter, at any rate, was 
 very early left an orphan, but was not deprived of a 
 good share of the education which then fell to all 
 Scotch boys of any means and kin, and to most who 
 had neither. He was apprenticed — or, as our more 
 pretentious days would say, articled — to a medical 
 man of Glasgow, Mr. John Gordon, whom posterity 
 wilfully insists on identifying with the Potion of the 
 novel, although Gordon has been proved by the 
 clearest evidence to have been of an entirely different 
 order of practitioner. Whatever he was, he was lucky 
 in his apprentices as far as brains went ; for he after- 
 wards had, first for apprentice and then for partner, 
 Dr. John Moore, father of Sir John Moore, author 
 of Zeluco and a famous account of Paris under the 
 Revolution, and a friend and biographer of Smollett 
 himself.
 
 Introduction xiii 
 
 If, however, the earlier apprentice was in literature 
 to do far better work than Moore's (which is itself 
 much better than the average), he was not, like Moore, 
 destined to be successful in his original profession. 
 Tradition, calling in the novel as before to its aid, but 
 asserting itself to possess authority independent of the 
 novel, will have it that he was anything but an indus- 
 trious or toward apprentice. It is certain that in 
 1739, being then just eighteen, he set out for London 
 with an exceedingly bad tragedy, The Regicide, and 
 some letters of recommendation to friends of the family 
 in his pocket. The tragedy came of course to naught ; 
 the letters of recommendation are supposed, rather 
 than known, to have helped in obtaining for Smollett 
 the place of surgeon's mate in one of the ships (it is 
 not known which) of the Carthagena expedition in 
 October 1740. Of this ghastly business he has left 
 two accounts — one pretty fresh in date, if fantastic, 
 in Roderick Random itself, another much later in a 
 formal "Account of the Siege." It is scarcely 
 surprising that he was satisfied with this experience of 
 " the English Navy at its very lowest point," as Mr. 
 Hannay, Smollett's latest biographer, and one of the 
 most competent living students of naval history, has put it. 
 
 Nobody quite knows what Smollett did in Jamaica, 
 where he certainly resided till 1744, before which 
 date he as certainly courted and probably married 
 Anne Lascelles, a local heiress, though to no great 
 fortune. In May 174411c had returned to England 
 and taken a house in Downing Street, not yet wholly 
 ministerial. We hear something of him during the 
 '45, which, though he was at this time rather a Whig 
 than a Tory, drew from him his best piece of verse, 
 " Mourn, hapless Caledonia, mourn." Next year he 
 published two bad satires, ././,,',, and Reproof, and 
 wrote the libretto of an opera, Alceste, which had no
 
 xiv Introduction 
 
 better luck than The Regicide, though its chances 
 seemed at first fairer. Yet another year, and he and 
 his wife were certainly living together in London ; 
 and after yet another still, in January 1748, Roderick 
 Random was published. 
 
 Postponing, as is usual and almost necessary, 
 criticism in detail on this his first work in his proper 
 vocation — except the observations that it was very 
 successful, and was mistaken by some for a new 
 book of Fielding's — we may continue the account 
 of Smollett's life. He was encouraged by his success 
 to print The Regicide, with a very ill-tempered preface 
 reflecting on Lyttelton, his ineffectual patron, and 
 Garrick, his unreceptive manager. He was better 
 advised in setting to work on another novel, the 
 matter of which he drew, according to his custom, to 
 no small extent from his personal experiences in a trip 
 to Paris, where he saw, and marked down as victims, 
 the poet-physician Akenside, and the original of Pallet 
 the painter. This trip took place in 1750; in the 
 same year Smollett became M.D. of Marischal College, 
 Aberdeen, and is said to have set up, or tried to set up, 
 for a time in practice at Bath. 
 
 Peregrine Pickle was published in 1 7 5 1 , and its 
 success far exceeded that of Roderick Random, being 
 indeed of a threefold kind — a success of merit due to 
 its really masterly excellences, a success of scandal due 
 to the extreme licence of expression, both in loose 
 detail and in personal lampoon (which was in both 
 respects much corrected in the second and standard 
 edition), and a third success of, as it seems, perennial 
 sureness with a great part of mankind, though to a 
 small part it is almost incomprehensible. The 
 " Memoirs of a Lady of Quality," which form an 
 excrescence on the book, not justified even by the large 
 licence of digression and episode then prevailing, are
 
 Introduction xv 
 
 the actual or slightly embroidered experiences of Lady 
 Vane, a real personage of some beauty, no morals, and 
 considerable means, who, it is said, paid Smollett for 
 inserting them. This is the only really discreditable 
 transaction, except a few extravagances of his morose 
 and irritable temperament, that is charged against him. 
 Next year (1752), Smollett established himself in 
 a house in Lawrence Street, Chelsea, which was his 
 headquarters for the twenty remaining years of his life ; 
 and in yet another year his third novel, Ferdinand 
 Count Fathom, made its appearance. It was the last 
 for some considerable time, though Smollett by no 
 means gave up the pen. On the contrary, from this 
 time forwards, he became something like a writer of all 
 work, though he was never a mere hack. Indeed, 
 there are few or no signs of pecuniary straits about his 
 life, so that either his wife's fortune, which is tradi- 
 tionally supposed to have " disappeared in law-suits," 
 must have lasted better than tradition has it, or he 
 must have had other sources of income. Tradition, 
 moreover, is certainly wrong to some extent, for he 
 himself, as late as 1763, speaks of his "comfortable 
 estate " in Jamaica. But, from the date of Fathom, 
 for a full decade onwards, he was in the main a very 
 busy journalist, compiler, and miscellany-writer. He 
 was, indeed, one of not a few instances — his country- 
 man Dr. John Campbell is another, and it is pretty 
 clear that Johnson himself, but for his extreme 
 indolence, might have been a third — that the popular 
 notion of the middle of the eighteenth century as a time 
 when the journalist and miscellanist was condemned 
 of necessity to garrets and cookshops, is exaggerated. 
 The first work of the kind which Smollett undertook 
 was a new translation of Don Quixote. His com- 
 petence for the task was questioned even at the time, 
 and it has been more than once insinuated that he either
 
 xvi Introduction 
 
 did not know Spanish, or did not write the translation 
 himself. But Mr. Hannay, who again speaks as an 
 expert, sees no reason to dispute his knowledge of the 
 language, and justly points out that the faults of the 
 translation are not so much mistakes in the author's 
 meaning as a wilful determination to paraphrase and 
 embellish and touch up— a theory of translation which 
 had been stoutly championed by Dryden, and which 
 was still the prevailing one in England. 
 
 Smollett, however, was to take higher degrees in 
 miscellaneous literature than the comparatively humble 
 one of translator. After a visit to Scotland (for the 
 first time since he had left it fourteen years earlier as a 
 raw boy), he became editor of the Critical Review, a 
 periodical which for the last half of the century divided 
 with the Monthly Review the function of administering 
 proper discipline to new books, till the decadence of 
 both encouraged the appearance of the Edinburgh. 
 His natural quarrelsomeness had already found vent 
 in a complicated dissension, not merely with a person 
 named Peter Gordon, whom Smollett thrashed, and 
 who brought an action against Smollett, but with 
 Gordon's counsel, Home Campbell. The matter 
 would be of no interest if it did not show pretty 
 distinctly what the novels had already disclosed to 
 some extent — the extreme irritability and pugnacity of 
 Smollett's character. These qualities were not likely 
 either to be much amended or to rust for want of 
 occasion in literary and political journalism. He had 
 already (and without, so far as is known, any provoca- 
 tion, save that Lyttelton was Fielding's patron and 
 that Fielding was a successful novelist older than 
 himself) made an offensive allusion to the author of 
 Tom Jones in the first edition of Peregrine Pickle ; and 
 he was no sooner established in the chair of the Critical 
 than he plunged into one kettle of hot water after
 
 Introduction xvii 
 
 another. His merely literary quarrels require no 
 notice, but his brush with Admiral Knowles had 
 serious consequences. The admiral, his conduct having 
 been unfavourably criticised, resented the criticism with 
 a heat which did not show much wisdom, and in a 
 manner which did not show much courage, brought it 
 before the courts, and obtained a sentence of fine and 
 imprisonment against Smollett. This imprisonment 
 (which then, as later, in the case of persons who could 
 pay, merely meant confinement to a rather expensive 
 and inconvenient lodging, with no other hardship or 
 interference with business or pleasure) was worked out 
 in 1759. 
 
 Meanwhile he had partly edited, partly written, a 
 Compendium of Voyages in seven volumes, which 
 included the Account of the Expedition to Carthagena, 
 and had produced the farce of The Reprisals, which, 
 unlike his former dramatic attempts, was acted, and 
 was not unsuccessful. In it Smollett once more drew 
 on his tars, and with fair success. 
 
 But the most important piece of " hack-work " that 
 he was to do was begun in 1758 in the shape of the 
 History of England, which he first brought down to 
 within ten years of that dale, and afterwards continued 
 in a form more commonly met in company with 
 Hume's earlier survey than with its author's own. 
 This was not in any way a contemptible piece of work. 
 Smollett's studies, indeed, had not very specially pre- 
 pared him for it ; and though he, of course, did not 
 even attempt any original research, while he wrote long 
 before that research had been done ready to his hand, 
 still it was well planned and very well written. Tt 
 was also very well paid ; for he received in all ^*2000 
 for it, and it is said not to have occupied him more 
 than fourteen months, though his health is also said 
 never to have recovered the strain. In an edition of 
 b
 
 xviii Introduction 
 
 Smollett's novels, it cannot be necessary to say very 
 much about this History, which is now obtainable at the 
 book shops, I think, at a cheaper rate than anything 
 equally well written, equally well printed, and of equal 
 bulk. It belongs to a class of history which, as a 
 class, is by no means obsolete even now, though it is 
 not, in my judgment, nearly so well done as a rule, and 
 is perhaps not often done on quite such a scale. This 
 is the kind of history which is in fact a long leading 
 article of the more instructive kind, written with fair 
 knowledge, in a popular but not unscholarly style, by a 
 man who is content to give his public just as much 
 detail and just as strict criticism as that public cares 
 for, but not a jot more. Such things have to be done, 
 and from the very terms of their doing they have to be 
 re-done from time to time. But when they are done 
 as well as Smollett did them they are not disagreeable, 
 while, even if worse done, they are often useful points de 
 repere ; not as store-houses of historical fact as to their 
 subjects, but as instances of the temper, the views, the 
 requirements, the general atmosphere of their own day. 
 Then once more, after a seven years' interval, 
 Smollett began, as his day would have said, to court 
 the Muse of Fiction. It was not a courtship wholly 
 successful in its result, which was the eccentrically and 
 injudiciously planned Sir Launcelot Greaves ; but the 
 book was noteworthy, because it appeared in parts 
 distributed over several numbers of the British Maga- 
 zine. This is sometimes said to be the first instance of 
 a practice afterwards more and more popular ; but it 
 would require a very long ransacking of the dustiest 
 of dustbins to be quite certain of this. 1 The book 
 appeared in 1760-61, and 1762 saw yet another 
 
 1 For instance, Robinson Crusof. forty years earlier, appeared 
 thus ; but it seems not till six months after its publication 
 in book-form.
 
 Introduction xix 
 
 venture less successful still. Either before or during 
 the composition of his History, Smollett had changed 
 from a Revolution Whig of Conservative principles to 
 a very decided Tory ; and the politics of the Critical 
 Review were also of that complexion. This was not, 
 however, in theory a political paper ; The Briton, 
 which, at the desire and expense of Bute, Smollett 
 started as a weekly in 1762, was uncompromisingly 
 political and partisan. It is chiefly remembered 
 because of the opposition print, the famous North 
 Briton, which Wilkes (who in private was a friend 
 of Smollett's) launched against it, and which (Bute 
 flinching either from the obloquy or the expense) was 
 enabled to triumph over it. It did not last a year, and 
 the stoppage greatly mortified Smollett's pride. In 
 1763, his only daughter and child Elizabeth died at 
 the age of fifteen, and the coincidence of these things 
 with the results of the overwork on the History, deter- 
 mined him to go abroad. Before he went, however, 
 or in the year of his departure, he edited (or, to speak 
 more plainly, fathered) a translation of Voltaire and a 
 sort of popular statistical work called The Present State 
 of all Nations. 
 
 He travelled through or resided in France and 
 Italy between 1763 and 1766, his longest residence 
 being at Nice ; and when he came back in the year 
 last named, he published his Travels. The book was 
 the subject of a famous gibe or two from Sterne, and 
 has been pretty generally condemned, either with faint 
 praise or positive censure. I think rather better of it 
 than most of its critics seem to have thought. It is 
 excessively ill-tempered ; it tells us a great deal more 
 about the writer's ill-health than we care to hear ; the 
 prejudice against the ways and manners of foreigners, 
 though amusing at first, grows monotonous. But 
 Smollett was one of the keenest of observers, and one
 
 xx Introduction 
 
 of the most forcible of writers ; and though he was no 
 doubt something of a Philistine in taste, we have had so 
 much art-gush lately that his Philistinism is not wholly 
 disgusting. And the book is a real view of the state 
 of that part of Europe which it concerns — not a Senti- 
 mental Journey by any means, but also not a mere 
 collection of statistics. 
 
 Some temporary but little permanent benefit resulted 
 from Smollett's stay on the Continent. His youth had 
 been one of some hardship. He had evidently inherited 
 one of those constitutions which the hard living of our 
 ancestors did not improve ; and it is quite possible 
 (although I doubt very much whether the severest 
 literary work ever injured a sound man) that the heavy 
 labour of his fourth and fifth decades may have sealed 
 his fate. His mother died soon after he came back, 
 and he was with her at the last. He was a good deal 
 at Bath ; and, though he did not leave England again 
 for another three years, he seems to have been much on 
 the move, and (for him) little at work. A fresh 
 edition of the Present State gave him some occupa- 
 tion, and indeed was not finished till after he had left 
 England for the last time ; but his only independent 
 publication during these years was the Adventures of an 
 Atom, which, after some consideration, it has been 
 decided not to include in the present edition. It is 
 fictitious in form, but in nothing else, being, under the 
 guise of a Japanese romance, a ferocious, and, from 
 Smollett's point of view, a pretty close, satire on the 
 recent political history of England. Newcastle, Pitt, 
 and even Bute himself, are indiscriminately subjected to 
 treatment which must have excited in more than one 
 reader a qualmish remembrance of the way in which 
 the Yahoos treated Gulliver. To be barely intelligible 
 to any but students of the history of the time, the 
 thing would require a commentary nearly as full as
 
 Introduction xxi 
 
 the text; and its substance, though by no means devoid 
 of savage vigour and here and there of just reprehen- 
 sion, is as much lacking in interest as in decency. 
 Soon after its publication, Smollett returned to Italy, 
 and after some short stay at Lucca and Pisa, established 
 himself near Leghorn, where two years later he died, 
 and was buried on October 21, 1 7 7 1 . He had already 
 published his last, and by far his best work, Humphry 
 Clinker, and his last days owed much to the kindness of 
 Armstrong — like Akenside, a poet-physician, and if not 
 quite such a good poet as Akenside, much less of a prig. 
 
 It will be observed by those who compare the two 
 biographies that there is a very curious similarity (dwelt 
 upon already by Scott and others, but not to be missed 
 here) between our knowledge of Fielding and our 
 knowledge of Smollett. Both were men of good 
 family, who experienced but little of the good fortune 
 which in the eighteenth century family connections 
 still as a rule brought with them. Both married for 
 love wives of beauty and fortune, of whom we have 
 hardly the faintest personal details. Neither has left 
 any body of letters, though Smollett's are not quite so 
 rare as Fielding's. Each has left a piece of autobio- 
 graphy describing the discomforts of travel, and the 
 sufferings that attend the decline of life. In both 
 cases (though again rather less in Smollett's than in 
 Fielding's) the notices of contemporaries are scanty 
 and uninforming. Both had learned professions which 
 did them little good, though Law was, latterly at least, 
 rather kinder to Fielding than Medicine ever was to 
 Smollett. Both were driven to novel-writing by their 
 genius, and to other literary or quasi-literary employ- 
 ments by want or accident. Both died in foreign 
 countries, and at very nearly the same age, though 
 Smollett was a little the older. 
 
 There follows almost necessarily, from some, if not
 
 xxii Introduction 
 
 from most of these similarities, another — that we are 
 driven to construct not merely our literary but our 
 personal ideas of the two men in the main from their 
 works. The personal idea of Smollett thus obtained, 
 even if we take the greatest possible trouble not to give 
 too much weight to what may be merely dramatic pre- 
 sentment, is even more distinct than that of Fielding. 
 But it cannot be said that it is anything like so 
 favourable. F'ter comme un Ecossais is no uncom- 
 plimentary proverb in the mouth of a nation which 
 once had abundant means of knowing Scotsmen well. 
 But the particular variety of Scotch pride which 
 Smollett seems to have exemplified was not of the 
 most amiable or interesting. Nemo me impune lacessit 
 is a very manly, and may be a very noble, motto. But 
 in order to carry it out nobly, the defensive prompti- 
 tude must not be coupled with an unreasonable readiness 
 either to take offence or to give it. Smollett appears 
 to have been at all times exceedingly prone to do both. 
 Moreover, his . temper, besides its low flashing point, 
 seems to have been distinguished by a morose and 
 grumbling habit, from which very fiery tempers are 
 often free. He seems to have been very affectionately 
 disposed towards his friends and family, and by no 
 means ungenerous or parsimonious in using his means. 
 But it has been pointed out with rather fatal force that 
 the picture of his own hospitality to his poorer brethren 
 of letters, which he admittedly draws in Humphry 
 Clinker, is marred by its total want of delicacy towards 
 the objects of his bounty. 
 
 To delicacy, indeed, in any of its forms, Smollett 
 appears to have been an utter stranger. He is ad- 
 mittedly one of the nastiest writers in English ; and 
 his tendency towards foulness appears to have been 
 motived neither by a combination of fascinated and 
 satiric attraction, such as that which marks Swift, nor
 
 Introduction xxiii 
 
 by a discreditable desire to please morbid tastes, but 
 simply by a natural insensibility improved with a 
 medical education. Something of the same insensi- 
 bility — of positive defect rather than morbid affection 
 — appears in his selection of at least his two first 
 heroes — personages, with his creation and apparent 
 tolerance, of whom he has been constantly and not 
 quite unjustly reproached. In Roderick and Peregrine, 
 it is complained, we have something like a relapse into 
 the worse kind of hero of the Restoration drama — a 
 scheme of humanity from which tenderness, decency, 
 and every note of chivalry except mere courage are 
 banished. Roderick is rather a better fellow than 
 Peregrine, and Peregrine is a very little more of a 
 gentleman than Roderick ; but to neither of them can 
 the words "good fellow" and "gentleman" apply, 
 except relatively and by a sort of apology. It cannot 
 be said indeed that Smollett recommends or excuses 
 the more discreditable actions of either; he even 
 expresses distinct disapproval of those of Peregrine. 
 But he does not seem to regard the type of young 
 man as anything out of the way, or the type of action 
 as anything more than ordinary sowing of wild oats, 
 natural and pardonable enough. 
 
 I have said that there is justice in these complaints, 
 and it may well be asked at once what are the merits 
 which make such "a world of vile ill-favoured faults " 
 look, if not exactly handsome, at any rate excusable in 
 Smollett. Fortunately there is not the least difficulty 
 in answering this question. The genius of Smollett, 
 though less original, less gigantic, and less accomplished 
 than that of Fielding, less quaint and engaging than 
 that ot Sterne, even I believe, according to some, less 
 inten I peculiar than that of Richardson, was 
 
 sufficient both in quantity and quality to cover even 
 worse sins than those which have been and may be
 
 xxiv Introduction 
 
 enumerated. Its strict or at least its apparent originality 
 was indeed the least part of it. If Fielding to some 
 extent took Cervantes for his model, Smollett hardly 
 troubled himself to do anything but follow Le Sage. 
 It is seldom safe to say that without one thing another 
 thing would never have existed ; but it is almost safe 
 to say that if there had been no Gil Bias there would 
 have been no Roderick Random. The Spanish pre- 
 decessors of the great Breton might indeed have 
 supplied his place as patterns, but some pattern there 
 must have been, for in no part of his work does 
 Smollett show the least power of striking out a new 
 line in point of form. 
 
 His virtue, like that of some very great writers be- 
 sides himself, lay in working on established lines in a 
 fresh and striking manner. He seems to have had 
 little positive invention, and he did not care to bestow 
 any pains on the constructive part of his stories. Most 
 of them indeed begin in a sufficiently orthodox manner 
 with the birth, and end in an equally orthodox manner 
 with the marriage of the hero. But the intermediate 
 progress is altogether of the "go-as-you-please" 
 order. A slight undercurrent of purpose of the same 
 kind, which was so apparent in the work of Smollett's 
 great imitator, Dickens, may be observed here and 
 there. And, as in Dickens again, a very strong 
 tendency to embody personal experiences, personal 
 observations, it may be personal grudges and " scores," 
 is observable likewise. Much of Roderick Random, 
 the first and the freshest, is little more than a slightly 
 travestied record of the author's service in the West 
 Indies and on the Spanish Main. Much of Humphry 
 Clinker, the last and the most accomplished, is little 
 more than a record of a tour through England and 
 Scotland. In the two earliest books, such characters 
 as most distinctly emerge are varied studies on the
 
 Introduction xxv 
 
 observed type of the tar. The most remarkable 
 character of Humphry Clinker is a study of the type 
 of the Scotch adventurer, soldier or sailor, who has 
 retired. That the French, though a little shocked 
 at his so-called brutality, and scandalised at his open 
 aversion from their nation, have, on the whole, been 
 more attracted to Smollett than to Fielding, is, I believe, 
 a fact, despite M. Taine's instance to the contrary ; 
 and it is a fact that tells us a great deal, nearly as much 
 as the other fact that they have preferred Sterne and 
 Richardson to both. 
 
 Yet we have not reached the quality which has 
 secured to Smollett a popularity, never perhaps of the 
 very highest, but unfailing and certain. This is to be 
 found — first, in the singular narrative faculty which knits 
 his most desultory bundles of incident^ and personage 
 into an attaching story ; and secondly, in the extra- 
 ordinary vividness of these individual incidents and 
 sketches. When Scott, in his somewhat partial com- 
 parison of Fielding and Smollett, dwelt on the com- 
 parative "poverty" of the Englishman, and on the 
 " richness " of the Scotsman, he was either indulging 
 in an amiable paradox, or was honestly deceived by 
 injudiciously selected terms. If he had written 
 "simplicity" and "variety" instead of "poverty" 
 and "richness," it would not have been easy to reject 
 his contrast. Fielding inclines more to the classical, 
 to the sculptured, to the epic ; his forte lies in pro- 
 portion, design, keeping, truth. Smollett is more 
 romantic and more pictorial ; he abounds in luxuriance 
 of detail and fantastic particular. The work of the 
 one is a temple or a portico : that of the other a 
 bazaar. And it is unlucky for Smollett that, writing 
 as he did before the influence of the Romantic move- 
 ment proper had been much felt in England, and 
 possessing little strictly poetical feeling, he was not
 
 xxvi Introduction 
 
 able to employ many of those graces which have saved 
 Romanticism. He has its vivacity but not its beauty, 
 its variety but not its charm ; while, most noteworthy 
 of all, he is still classical rather than romantic in his 
 handling of character. His resemblance to Jonson 
 must strike every critical reader familiar with both ; 
 and it is a resemblance subject to the same qualifications 
 as the corresponding resemblance between Fielding and 
 Shakespeare. 
 
 There has, indeed, I believe, grown up of late a dis- 
 taste for these literary parallels, which is by no means 
 wholly unintelligent ; for, interesting and illuminating as 
 they are to the fit reader, they are sometimes apt to 
 mislead the unfit. They can, however, seldom be 
 more in place than between a pair of writers whose 
 juxtaposition is so much more than accidental, and 
 whose works are in a way the very complement of one 
 another. As a mere writer Smollett was as much 
 Fielding's superior in the lower and more mechanical 
 arts of composition, as he was his inferior in the higher 
 and more genial. His education had probably been 
 much more thoroughgoing than any that Fielding can 
 have received at Eton in those days, and he had left 
 Scotland early enough to escape, for the most part, if 
 not entirely, those Scotticisms which marked to the 
 last the work of a man so far his superior in scholarship 
 as Robertson. He seldom breaks Priscian's head in 
 any very outrageous manner ; and though his sentences 
 have neither the easy flow of the Addisonian model, 
 nor the balanced magnificence of the Johnsonian, though 
 they are often a little too long, and sometimes a little 
 too intricate, they seldom call for a distinct " bad 
 mark" from the pencil of the examiner. 
 
 When what has been said already has been put to- 
 gether it will not need very much more demonstration 
 to support the assertion that Smollett is to be criticised
 
 Introduction xxvii 
 
 better by a series of examinations of his separate novels, 
 
 than by general remarks on his powers as a novelist. 
 
 To resume the old strain of comparison, it is possible 
 
 and profitable to set forth the characteristics of Fielding 
 
 as a whole, because, concerning as they do the very 
 
 structure and character of his novels, these latter serve 
 
 chiefly as variations, as shifted forms, of the master's 
 
 idiosyncrasy. Smollett, working from without and not 
 
 from within, taking the observed phenomena of external 
 
 life for his theme, and grouping them as his fancy bid 
 
 him, is not equally capable of being dealt with generally. 
 
 A short scenario of one of Fielding's books would, 
 
 when we have studied the author a little, enable us to 
 
 imagine how he will deal with it. In Smollett neither 
 
 the scenario nor any general particulars amount to 
 
 much : the details are everything. But perhaps it is 
 
 worth adding that these general peculiarities of Smollett 
 
 account for, or at least are connected with, the facts 
 
 that his novels amuse more than those of Fielding, that 
 
 they are as a rule appreciated at an earlier age, and that, 
 
 though they never exactly pall — Humphry Clbiler at 
 
 least is fresh after a dozen perusals spread over thrice a 
 
 dozen years— they at no time excite the almost fanatical 
 
 enthusiasm which a predestined admirer of Fielding 
 
 feels for that writer when he has once thoroughly 
 
 grasped him. Smollett is delightful, he is even in a 
 
 way admirable, but he is not exactly great ; and it is 
 
 . interesting to compare such critical handlings of 
 
 him as those of Scott, of Hazlitt, and of Thackeray, 
 
 to see how, in different ways, a sense of this has im- 
 
 pressed itself on all of them, even on Scott in his 
 
 jraliant attempt to .stand shoulder to shoulder with his 
 
 countryman in the battle with the English giant. 
 
 Turmsc to Roderick Random itself, it is not im- 
 pertinent to cite Hazlitt's at first odd-looking descrip-
 
 xxviii Introduction 
 
 tion of it as " the purest of Smollett's novels — I mean 
 in point of style and description." The reader who, 
 remembering the book, reads this phrase for the first 
 time, or who reads the book with the phrase in his 
 mind, may wonder what on earth the critic meant. 
 I think that, though there may have been some wilful 
 intention to use "purest" in the ordinary sense (for 
 Hazlitt was always wilful, and was moreover peculiarly 
 eccentric in his views of this class of subject), what 
 was really and critically meant was a reference to the 
 same quality which I have myself glanced at above in 
 speaking of the book as the " freshest " of the group. 
 
 This would almost necessarily follow from its being 
 the first ; but not quite necessarily. The fact, however, 
 is undoubted. The book is the work of a very young 
 man, who had for his years seen a good deal of life, 
 who was already noticeable as taking an outside rather 
 than an inside view of it, but whose flow of reminiscence, 
 of fanciful comment, and of humorous handling, was 
 as yet not in the least checked or weakened by practice 
 in periodical or miscellaneous writing, or by the economy 
 to which such practice is apt to dispose men. Prob- 
 ably enough has been said of the eternally debatable 
 question as to the amount of truth underlying the early 
 chapters. Some general resemblance must be admitted 
 as probable in the circumstances, perhaps even a senti- 
 ment which, whether justified by the circumstances or 
 not, was felt by Smollett. There is, indeed, an un- 
 wonted appearance of meaning in his bitter and not 
 merely superficial reflection that small benefits may ex- 
 cite gratitude and small injuries be forgiven, but that 
 great benefits or deep injuries produce in all but the 
 best minds an equally undying resentment. The his- 
 tory of Mr. Melopoyn again comes too close to that 
 of the author of The Regicide not to bear some mark 
 of galling. But in our total ignorance of what Smol-
 
 Introduction xxix 
 
 lett's own fortunes were on board ship, it is impossible 
 to decide whether the miserable alternations of experi- 
 ence on board H.M.S. Thunder were personal, or 
 were impartially observed, or were worked up by 
 plastic fancy from less horrible originals ; and the 
 determination (according to an inveterate habit of the 
 older novel critic) to see Miss Anne Lascelles in 
 Narcissa is supported by absolutely no evidence, and 
 by not much probability. Smollett's heroines indeed 
 do justify the Popian sneer far better than Fielding's : 
 they really have no character at all for the most part, 
 unless they are shrews or at least comic figures. 
 
 Warm admiration, perhaps the warmest of the personal 
 kind excited by any of the author's characters, has been 
 lavished on Strap and Bowling, while few have had a 
 good word to say for Roderick. In the latter, indeed, 
 there is not much harm. He has little gratitude, and 
 no delicacy ; he seems to have no objection to doing 
 good to his friends, but to be much more bent on doing 
 harm to his enemies, and satisfying his own desires. 
 He would probably have behaved fairly well to 
 Narcissa according to the easy standard of husband- 
 behaviour in his day ; and the abuse which has been 
 lavished on his very limited reward of Strap's devotion 
 perhaps involves a slight critical error. To a different 
 person than Roderick, Strap's spaniel-like devotion 
 would probably not have been shown ; by a person 
 like Roderick it was sure to be taken with the same 
 sort of Sultanesque indifference which is shown by the 
 cock of a school to his admirers. Smollett might no 
 doubt have chosen a more magnanimous hero, but it 
 would have been false drawing to make that hero, as 
 he is, really sensible of Strap's self-sacrifice, which, it 
 must be remembered, was not purely unselfish after all. 
 For Strap was sure that if his idol rose, he, Strap, 
 would rise with him. In other respects the barber,
 
 xxx Introduction 
 
 though he suffers from the inevitable comparison with 
 Partridge, is a very delightful and amusing person. 
 
 Bowling, if not so amusing, ranks a good deal higher. 
 The foremost in time of appearance of Smollett's 
 famous gallery of naval portraits, he is also the most 
 humane, and not the least human. He is presented to 
 us in his habit as he lived, with that careful attention 
 to the decor, the make-up, which always charac- 
 terises Smollett ; and, though he was one of the earliest, 
 he is one of the best of the traditional tar pictures. By 
 the merest accident I happen to have read, even before 
 I read Smollett, Charles Shadwell's not very widely- 
 known play of The Fair Quaker of Deal ; and any- 
 body who knows that piece will see that Smollett 
 was not the first to work this curious mine of char- 
 acter. But he was the first to extract from it traits 
 that would last; and it ought to be counted to his 
 credit that when he had fallen out of familiarity with 
 the originals, he did not go on multiplying his 
 copies. Many a novelist, including some great ones, 
 would not have known how to leave off. Whether 
 the change which admittedly took place in the per- 
 sonnel of the Navy after the middle of the century, and 
 which replaced the ruffians of the Oakum type and the 
 honest but uncouth sea-dogs like Trunnion with officers 
 and gentlemen, struck Smollett's keenly observant eye, 
 I do not know. It may have been a purely artistic 
 consciousness that he was no longer drawing from the 
 model, but only from his own studies, his own remin- 
 iscences of the model. Or it may and perhaps was 
 nothing more exalted than a weariness of the type. 
 But it certainly is rare to find an artist producing 
 figures of such novelty, brilliancy, and gusto as these 
 tars of Smollett's in his earlier work, and almost, if not 
 altogether, abandoning them in his later. . Crowe is 
 the chief exception.
 
 Introduction xxxi 
 
 There are no other prominent characters, using 
 that word in its strict sense, in Roderick Random, 
 though there is a very considerable number of 
 " humours," to use the term of Jonson, or rather of his 
 school, and though the personages who display these 
 humours range in importance and frequency of appear- 
 ance from mere supers to actors of some little dignity. 
 Almost universal admiration has been bestowed, and 
 justly, upon one of the very earliest of these sketches, 
 the scene with the curate and the exciseman in Chapter 
 Nine. Hardly anywhere has Smollett risen so close 
 to the true and unforced irony of life, to satire without 
 grotesque, and caricature without extravaganza, as 
 here. The old scholar-extortioner of a landlord, and 
 the adventures in the waggon and out of it, though 
 lively enough and amusing enough, do not rise to this 
 level, and partake much more of the usual material and 
 treatment of the picaresque novel, which is well main- 
 tained, but not often, save on shipboard, exceeded 
 during the rest of the book. Outside of the naval 
 characters, however, we shall find nothing so good as 
 not merely the tars proper, but as Beau Jackson, that 
 slight but excellent incarnation of what a later humourist 
 has called don't-care-a-damnativeness ; and Morgan, 
 the famous Welsh surgeon's mate, whom certain vivid 
 touches and Smollett's obvious familiarity elsewhere 
 with the natives of the Principality defend from the 
 charge of being merely a clever literary pastiche from 
 Flucllen and Sir Hugh Evans adjusted to new and 
 lower situations. Indeed, though we only see him in 
 one set of relations, Morgan perhaps deserves that rank 
 of " character " instead of merely " personage " which 
 I have rather too severely refused him above. 
 
 We find ,i less favourable example of Smollett's powers 
 in the story of Miss Williams. It is lamentable enough ; 
 and perhaps the surprise and in part indignation which
 
 xxxii Introduction 
 
 have been expressed at Smollett's unsympathetic way 
 of telling it are a little unjust. The early and middle 
 eighteenth century was not a time of palpitating sympathy 
 with human suffering ; and in more instances than one 
 Smollett has borne in person the sins of his time. A 
 more serious fault is, that either from want of power or 
 from not taking the trouble, he has not made Miss 
 Williams in the least individual or alive. She is simply 
 " one more unfortunate," a figure, not a person. And 
 you cannot weep for the sufferings of a figure. The 
 same objection applies to the ruffian Crampley, for you 
 can no more detest a figure than you can weep for one. 
 Indeed, it is very soon seen by any critical reader that 
 in consequence either of a defect of Smollett's genius 
 or of the peculiarity of his method, he turns out figures 
 and persons in a hit-or-miss way, very puzzling unless 
 these probable explanations of it are understood. He 
 is anything but successful in Narcissa's aunt (the first 
 of his afterwards much-improved studies in feminine 
 oddity, as distinguished from feminine charm), and 
 despite its abundance of adventure the story goes rather 
 dully in the middle, till we come to the masterly sketch 
 of the Capuchin friar, which may rank beside the 
 curate-and-exciseman chapter already praised. Rode- 
 rick's experiences as a soldier certainly do not equal 
 in interest his life afloat, but fortunately they are much 
 shorter ; while his fortunes when Strap has set him up 
 as a man of fashion alternate remarkably between very 
 lively scenes and very dull ones. It is extremely 
 improbable that at this time, at any rate, Smollett had 
 much acquaintance with the peerage, and the very 
 unfavourable parts which some of its members are 
 made here to play may be set down partly to the 
 defect of original and first-hand observation (without 
 which he never wrote really well) and partly to other 
 causes. It was a habit of the time either to toady the
 
 Introduction xxxiii 
 
 aristocracy abjectly or to regard them with dislike ; 
 and they were as a class particularly unpopular with 
 the untitled gentry both of Scotland and England, 
 whose prejudices Smollett had inherited. 
 
 The cynical Banter is not one of his successes, and 
 the Bath scenes show the same inequality as those in 
 London. Even granting that the story within a story 
 was more excusable than modern taste inclines to think, 
 it is impossible to imagine a worse place for such an 
 episode, or rather insertion, as the story of Melopoyn, 
 than just before the denouement, and that denouement 
 itself, though perhaps the Deus-ex-machina licence of 
 the style is not too freely used, cannot be said to be 
 very happy. The long-lost father, Don Rodrigo, is 
 the very shadow of a shade, though, no doubt, he is 
 fully equal to the part which the bard has assigned him 
 in an admirable couplet describing the end of novels 
 like this : — 
 
 I Left them all a-kis.Miio- in couples on the decks. 
 
 I left the lovers loving — and tile parents signing cheques. 
 
 In such and other agreeable occupations and ex- 
 pectations do we leave Rod trick Random, who, if he 
 did not specially desene clover, was not perhaps 
 specially undeserving of it. In conning his history,   
 and those other histories of others which are to follow, 
 there is a standing difficulty which is likely to turn 
 into a pretty constant danger. I think it possible that 
 the foregoing sketch may appear to some who have 
 pleasant and uncritical, perhaps boyish, memories of 
 the book, grudging and unfair. But 1 do not think 
 it will seem so to any Smollettite who condescends to 
 seek and attempts to give a reason for the faith that is 
 in him. 
 
 The fact is, that unless the critic keep to the merest 
 rhetorical generalities, Smollett's method, for reasons 
 c
 
 xxxiv Introduction 
 
 already indicated, does not lend itself to criticism of 
 his novels as wholes ; and that what has been called 
 the hit-or-miss characteristic of his piecemeal handling 
 necessitates a great deal of inequality in the thing 
 criticised, which in its turn chequers the criticism. 
 Nor will it be necessary, the running analysis of 
 Random having been thus made, to pursue, in reference 
 to the other novels, a plan which, while it puts in undue 
 relief the novelist's defects, fails to bring out the 
 chiefest of his merits — the rapid profusion of incident 
 and adventure, of scene and personage. This char- 
 acterises his fiction throughout, and justly endears it to 
 all who read for the story merely, and to many who, 
 critical exception having been once taken, are content 
 to waive the protest and enjoy simply and easily what 
 is so liberally set before them. 
 
 But it may be well before concluding this general as 
 well as special introduction, to say something further 
 on points which apply to all the novels equally. I 
 have hinted that though Smollett is to blame for a 
 certain overflow of a quarrelsome and morose temper 
 from himself into his books, the rougher features of 
 those books are not wholly chargeable upon him. It 
 was neither in his nature, nor perhaps was it at all his 
 business, to "prettify" English life; and the English 
 life of his time was in parts, if not indeed for the most 
 part, excessively rough and coarse. So also in regard 
 to the coarseness in another sense which marks him, it 
 is true that both his temperament and his education 
 aggravated this feature ; but it was a feature of the time 
 as much as the other. This defence, moreover, applies 
 in still greater degree to another characteristic of 
 Smollett's, which, no doubt actually popular at the time, 
 has less and less conciliated readers, except very young 
 readers, to him in more recent days. This is the
 
 Introduction xxxv 
 
 liberty of practical joking, which appears in Roderick 
 Random, reaches a ferocious luxuriance in Peregrine 
 Pickle, and is seldom absent from the others, notably ap- 
 pearing in the " swan song," the milder evening shades, 
 of Humphry Clinker. I have sometimes wondered that 
 the infinite industry of the modern bookmaker has not 
 attempted a History of Practical Joking. That unlovely 
 practice was not unknown among the ancients, and it 
 was common in a very advanced form among the 
 paladins of earlier and the knights of later mediaeval 
 chivalry. But it seems to have attained the dignity of 
 something like a national pastime in England between 
 the Restoration and the Regency. I do not know 
 anything more to the credit of George iv. (though 
 there are a great many more things to his credit than it 
 pleased Mr. Thackeray to allow) than the sharp rebuke 
 and the handsome amends which Theodore Hook's 
 practical joke on poor Romeo Coates drew from him ; 
 and it is from that time that the reprehension of the 
 practice, in the general judgment, as vulgar and un- 
 worthy, may be said to date. But during the time 
 mentioned, Englishmen of all ranks seem to have seen 
 in it nothing but harmless and allowable humour, even 
 when it was pushed to an indulgence in the most 
 inhuman brutality. In the navy it seems to have found 
 a special home, as was not unnatural when a number of 
 men were cooped up together with frequent periods of 
 idleness, with no very delicate or refined standard of 
 manners, and with the turn for books as yet not 
 popularly developed. After Smollett's day, Miss 
 Burney was to assign to Captain Mirvan a series of 
 practical jokes upon Madam Duval and her Frenchman 
 which would not have been out of keeping in the Garrison 
 itself; and long after Miss Burney, Marryat was to 
 luxuriate in things of the same kind, perpetrated on 
 shore as well as on board ship. Of the universality of
 
 xxxvi Introduction 
 
 the practice, Fielding's books, especially Joseph Andrews, 
 the sad experiences of Mr. Gray at the hands of the 
 young gentlemen of Cambridge, and scores of other 
 things in history and fiction, give ample evidence. And 
 Smollett can hardly be blamed for making it prominent 
 in his novels, fitting in as it did exactly with his scheme 
 of literary arrangement and, perhaps, not disagreeing 
 very much with his personal temper and tastes. 
 
 There is also one other point in Smollett which is 
 worth noticing, and which has not, I think, been so 
 generally noticed as most other points in him. This 
 is his curious exemplification of what may be called 
 with pardonable exaggeration the Paganism of the 
 eighteenth century. He is not an example of its 
 " philosophism " or free thinking: I do not at the 
 moment remember the least touch in his writings of the 
 unorthodox thought on the subject which was so common, 
 and with which even Fielding (I think quite falsely) 
 has been charged. The religious point of view seems 
 simply not to have presented itself to Smollett at all. 
 He has quite proper references to the Divinity and to 
 Providence, which are evidently not in the least hypo- 
 critical. He seems to have felt little disgust, either 
 intellectual or aesthetic, for Methodism. There is 
 nothing unsound, while there is much that is pathetic, 
 in Commodore Trunnion's famous epitaph with its refer- 
 ences to the Resurrection. So also the references to the 
 consolations of religion, as administered to the moribund 
 Monimia in Fathom, show neither sneer nor doubt. 
 But, like a more fortunate member of the same service, 
 Mr. Midshipman Easy, Smollett evidently "didn't 
 understand these things " ; they did not appeal to him ; 
 they did not fall in with his way of looking at life. 
 In him there are none not merely of the profound 
 commotions which kept the soul of Johnson in a 
 perpetual ferment, but of the occasional bubbles of
 
 Introduction xxxvii 
 
 disturbance which, to keen observers, betray the ex- 
 istence of something similar in the still depths of the 
 mind of Fielding himself. He has nothing either of 
 the strange passion of Swift in relation to such subjects, 
 or of the genuine and very unprofessional sincerity 
 which breaks through the grimace and the fashionable 
 trifling of Sterne. The only one of the deeper and 
 higher passions which seems to have stirred Smollett 
 was patriotism, in which a Scotsman rarely fails unless 
 he is an utter gaby or an utter scoundrel. The heroic 
 heights of love, the sense of the infinite and the eternal, 
 which is the essence of religion, the transcendent con- 
 sciousness of the irony of life which surmounts all 
 merely grotesque observations and all merely personal 
 feelings — these Smollett had not. He was almost an 
 incarnation of the eighteenth century in its merits and 
 its defects, in its vigour, its shrewdness, its zest and 
 relish of such life as it understood, of the things that 
 are seen, combined with its astonishing blindness and 
 deafness to the things that are not seen. 
 
 The principles oj editing adopted in this issue of Smollett 
 are the same as those which the editor applied in his pre- 
 sentations of Fielding and Sterne, edited lor Messrs. Dent. 
 jYo annotation is attempted, and the text is reprinted from 
 the standard version. Smollett ivas much more of a 
 professional man oj letters than either of his contemporaries, 
 and after he had, as in the case of Peregrine Pickle, once 
 settled on the form in which his ivork should be presented, 
 there is not usually much need for conjectural emendation. 
 tie text has, however, been carefully read throughout to 
 guard against those slips which sometimes hold their ground 
 in, and occasionally steal into, frequently reprinted matter.
 
 THE PREFACE 
 
 OF all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining 
 and universally improving, as that which is in- 
 troduced, as it were, occasionally, in the course 
 of an interesting story, which brings every incident 
 home to life ; and, by representing familiar scenes in 
 an uncommon and amusing point of view, invests them 
 with all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed 
 to in every particular. 
 
 The reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the 
 adventures of a person in whose favour lie is pre- 
 possessed ; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with 
 him in distress ; his indignation is heated against the 
 authors of his calamity ; the humane passions are in- 
 llamed ; the contrast between dejected virtue and 
 insulting vice appears with greater aggravation ; and 
 every impression having a double force on the imagina- 
 tion, the memory retains the circumstance, and the 
 heart improves by the example. The attention is not 
 tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but agree- 
 ably diverted with all the variety of invention ; and 
 the vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circum- 
 stances, opening an ample field for wit and humour. 
 
 Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, 
 vanity, and superstition. In the dark ages of the
 
 xl The Preface 
 
 world, when a man had rendered himself famous for 
 wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed 
 themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his 
 virtues, and represented his character and person as 
 sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed 
 the bait, implored his protection, and yielded the 
 tribute of homage and praise even to adoration ; his 
 exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand 
 exaggerations ; they were repeated as incitements to 
 virtue ; divine honours were paid, and altars erected to 
 his memory, for the encouragement of those who 
 attempted to imitate his example ; and hence arose the 
 heathen mythology, which is no other than a collection 
 of extravagant romances. As learning advanced, and 
 genius received cultivation, these stories were embel- 
 lished with the graces of poetry ; that they might the 
 better recommend themselves to the attention, they 
 were sung in public, at festivals, for the instruction 
 and delight of the audience ; and rehearsed before 
 battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy 
 and the epic muse were born, and, in the progress of 
 taste, arrived at perfection. It is no wonder that the 
 ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they 
 had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in 
 verse, by their best poets ; we, therefore, find no 
 romance among them, during the era of their excel- 
 lence, unless the Cyropad'ia of Xenophon may be so 
 called ; and it was not till arts and sciences began to 
 revive, after the irruption of the Barbarians into Europe, 
 that anything of this kind appeared. But when the 
 minds of men were debauched, by the imposition of 
 priestcraft, to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the 
 authors of romance arose, and, losing sight of prob- 
 ability, filled their performances with the most mon- 
 strous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient 
 poets in point of genius, they were resolved to excel
 
 The Preface xli 
 
 them in fiction, and apply to the wonder rather than 
 the judgment of their readers. Accordingly they 
 brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of sup- 
 porting the character of their heroes by dignity of 
 sentiment and practice, distinguished them by their 
 bodily strength, activity, and extravagance of be- 
 haviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous 
 and unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not 
 want patrons and admirers, and the world actually 
 began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, 
 when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, re- 
 formed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in 
 the right point of view, and converting romance to 
 purposes far more useful and entertaining, by making 
 it assume the sock, and point out the follies of 
 ordinary life. 
 
 The same method has been practised by other 
 Spanish and French authors, and by none more suc- 
 cessfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his 
 Adventures of Gil Bias, has described the knavery and 
 foibles of life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The 
 following sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking 
 the liberty, however, to differ from him in the exe- 
 cution, where 1 thought his particular situations were 
 uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country in 
 which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Bias 
 are, for the most part, such as rather excite mirth 
 than compassion : he himself laughs at them ; and his 
 transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, 
 are so sudden, that neither tin- reader has time to 
 pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with affliction. 
 This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from 
 probability, but prevents that generous indignation 
 which ought to animate the reader against the sordid 
 and vicious disposition of the world. 
 
 I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling
 
 xlii The Preface 
 
 with every difficulty to which a friendless orphan is 
 exposed, from his own want of experience, as well 
 as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base in- 
 difference of mankind. To secure a favourable pre- 
 possession, I have allowed him the advantages of 
 birth and education, which, in the series of his mis- 
 fortunes, will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more 
 warmly in his behalf; and though I foresee that some 
 people will be offended at the mean scenes in which 
 he is involved, I persuade myself the judicious will 
 not only perceive the necessity of describing those 
 situations to which he must of course be confined, in his 
 low state, but also find entertainment in viewing those 
 parts of life, where the humours and passions are 
 undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or education ; 
 and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear 
 as nature has implanted them. But I believe I need 
 not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorised 
 by the best writers in this way, some of whom I have 
 already named. 
 
 Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I 
 have not deviated from nature in the facts, which are all 
 true in the main, although the circumstances are altered 
 and disguised, to avoid personal satire. 
 
 It now remains to give my reasons for making the 
 chief personage of this work a North Briton ; which 
 are chiefly these : I could at a small expense bestow 
 on him such education as I thought the dignity of his 
 birth and character required, which could not possibly 
 be obtained in England, by such slender means as the 
 nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I 
 could represent simplicity of manners in a remote part 
 of the kingdom, with more propriety than in any 
 other place near the capital ; and, lastly, the disposition 
 of the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct 
 in deriving an adventurer from that country.
 
 The Preface xliii 
 
 That the delicate reader may not be offended at 
 the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths 
 of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to pre- 
 mise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually 
 expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than 
 a natural and verbal representation of the discourse in 
 which they occur.
 
 APOLOGUE 
 
 A YOUNG painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, 
 sketched a kind of conversation - piece, repre- 
 senting a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass ; 
 and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, 
 distinguished every figure by some emblem of human 
 life. 
 
 Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an 
 old, toothless, drunken soldier ; the owl, perched upon 
 the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacles on his nose, 
 seemed to contemplate a newspaper ; and the ass, 
 ornamented with a huge tye-wig (which, however, 
 could not conceal his long ears), sat for his picture to 
 the monkey, who appeared with the implements of 
 painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth, 
 and met with general approbation, until some mis- 
 chievous wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon 
 upon the friends of the performer ; an insinuation which 
 was no sooner circulated, than those very people who 
 applauded it before began to be alarmed, and even to 
 fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the 
 piece. 
 
 Among others, a worthy personage in years, who 
 had served in the army with reputation, being incensed 
 at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodgings of 
 
 xlv
 
 xlvi Apologue 
 
 the painter, and, finding him at home, " Hark ye, 
 Mr. Monkey," said he, " I have a good mind to con- 
 vince you, that though the bear has lost his teeth, he 
 retains his paws, and that he is not so drunk but he 
 can perceive your impertinence — 'Sblood ! sir, that 
 toothless jaw is a d — ned scandalous libel — but don't 
 you imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to 
 chew the cud of resentment." Here he was inter- 
 rupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who, 
 advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect, 
 exclaimed, " Suppose the augmentation of the ass's 
 ears should prove the diminution of the baboon's — 
 nay, seek not to prevaricate, for by the beard of 
 Esculapius ! there is not one hair in this periwig that 
 will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of 
 personal abuse. — Do but observe, captain, how this 
 pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls — the 
 colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and 
 foretop are quite similar." While he thus remon- 
 strated in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator 
 entered, and waddling up to the delinquent, " Jacka- 
 napes ! " cried he, " I will now let thee see I can 
 read something else than a newspaper, and that, 
 without the help of spectacles — here is your own note 
 of hand, sirrah, for money which, if I had not ad- 
 vanced, you yourself would have resembled an owl, in 
 not daring to show your face by day, you ungrateful 
 slanderous knave ! " 
 
 In vain the astonished painter declared that he had 
 no intention to give offence, or to characterise par- 
 ticular persons : they affirmed the resemblance was 
 too palpable to be overlooked ; they taxed him with 
 insolence, malice, and ingratitude ; and their clamours 
 being overheard by the public, the captain was a bear, 
 the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to his 
 dying day.
 
 Apologue xlvii 
 
 Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of 
 the Lord, remember this example while thou art em- 
 ployed in the perusal of the following sheets ; and seek 
 not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs 
 to five hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet 
 with a character that reflects thee in some ungracious 
 particular, keep thy own counsel ; consider that one 
 feature makes not a face, and that, though thou art, 
 perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy 
 neighbours may be in the same predicament.
 
 THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OF 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 Of my Birth and Parentage 
 
 I WAS born in the northern part of this united 
 kingdom, in the house of my grandfather ; a 
 gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, 
 who had, on many occasions, signalised himself in behalf 
 of his country ; and was remarkable for his abilities in 
 the law, which he exercised with great success, in 
 the station of a judge, particularly against beggars, 
 for whom he had a singular aversion. 
 
 My father, his youngest son, falling in love with a 
 poor relation, who lived with the old gentleman in 
 quality of housekeeper, espoused her privately ; and I 
 was the first fruit of that marriage. During her preg- 
 nancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much, that 
 her husband, tired with her importunity, at last con- 
 sulted a Highland seer, whose favourable interpretation 
 lie would have secured beforehand by a bribe, but 
 found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was 
 delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to 
 i. — i
 
 2 Roderick Random 
 
 her great surprise, acted the part of midwife) struck 
 so forcibly with a racket, that it disappeared in an 
 instant ; and she was for some time inconsolable for 
 the loss of her offspring ; when all of a sudden, she 
 beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the 
 earth beneath her feet, whence immediately sprung up 
 a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of 
 which operated so strongly on her nerves, that she 
 awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, 
 assured my parents, that their firstborn would be a 
 great traveller ; that he would undergo many dangers 
 and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, 
 where he would flourish in happiness and reputation. 
 How truly this was foretold, will appear in the sequel. 
 
 It was not long before some officious person informed 
 my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed 
 between his son and housekeeper, which alarmed him 
 so much, that a few days after, he told my father it 
 was high time for him to think of settling ; and that he 
 had provided a match for him, to which he could in 
 justice have no objections. My father, finding it would 
 be impossible to conceal his situation much longer, 
 frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself 
 for not having asked the consent of his father, by 
 saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose ; 
 and that, had his inclination been known, my grand- 
 father might have taken such measures as would have 
 effectually put the gratification of it out of his power. 
 He added, that no exceptions could be taken to his 
 wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense ; and as for 
 fortune, it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, 
 who kept all his passions, except one, in excellent 
 order, heard him to an end with great temper ; and 
 then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain him- 
 self and spouse ? He replied, he could be in no danger 
 of wanting, while his father's tenderness remained,
 
 His Birth and Parentage 3 
 
 which he and his wife should always cultivate with the 
 utmost veneration ; that he was persuaded his allowance 
 would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of 
 his family, and to the provision already made for his 
 brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his 
 protection. "Your brothers and sisters," said my 
 grandfather, "did not think it beneath them to 
 consult me in an affair of such importance as matri- 
 mony ; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted 
 that piece of duty, had not you some secret fund in 
 reserve, to the comforts of which I leave you, with a 
 desire that you will this night seek out another habita- 
 tion for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I 
 will send you an account of the expense I have been at 
 in your education, with a view of being reimbursed. 
 Sir, you have made the grand tour ; — you are a polite 
 gentleman, — a very pretty gentleman ; — I wish you a 
 great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant." So 
 saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. 
 
 However, he did not long hesitate ; for, being per- 
 fectly well acquainted with his father's disposition, he 
 did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get 
 rid of him ; and his resolves being invariable as the 
 laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be 
 to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties ; 
 so, without any further application, he betook himself, 
 with his disconsolate bedfellow, to a farmhouse, where 
 an old servant of his mother dwelt. There they 
 remained for some time in a situation but ill adapted to 
 the elegance of their desires, and tenderness of their 
 love ; which, nevertheless, my father chose to endure, 
 rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent. 
 But my mother, foreseeing the inconvenience to which 
 she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in 
 this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced), 
 without communicating her design to her husband, went
 
 4 Roderick Random 
 
 in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that 
 her tears and condition would move him to compassion, 
 and reconcile him to an event which was now irrevoc- 
 ably past. She found means to deceive the servants, 
 and was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted 
 to complain of some matrimonial grievances ; it being 
 my grandfather's particular province to decide in all 
 cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into 
 his presence ; where discovering herself, she fell at his 
 feet, and in the most affecting manner implored his 
 forgiveness ; at the same time representing the danger 
 that threatened not only her life, but that of his own 
 grandchild, which was about to see the light. 
 
 He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of her 
 and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put 
 it out of his power to give them any assistance ; that he 
 had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to 
 her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb 
 his peace with any further importunity. This said, he 
 retired. The violence of my mother's affliction had 
 such an effect on her constitution, that she was im- 
 mediately seized with the pains of childbed ; and had 
 not an old maid-servant, to whom she was very dear, 
 afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incur- 
 ring my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent 
 fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to 
 his rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this 
 poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and im- 
 mediately delivered of a man-child, the story of whose 
 unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father 
 being informed of what had happened, flew to the 
 embraces of his darling spouse, and, while he loaded his 
 offspring with paternal caresses, could not forbear shed- 
 ding a flood of tears, on beholding the dear partner of 
 his heart, for whose ease he would have sacrificed the 
 treasures of the East, stretched upon a flock bed in a
 
 His Birth and Parentage 5 
 
 miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the 
 inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed, 
 that the old gentleman was ignorant of what passed, 
 though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and 
 pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his 
 grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived 
 with him as his heir-apparent, acquainted him with 
 the affair. He determined, therefore, to observe no 
 medium, but immediately, on the third day after her 
 delivery, sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and 
 turned off the servant who had preserved her life. 
 
 This behaviour so exasperated my father, that he had 
 recourse to the most dreadful imprecations ; and, on 
 his bare knees, implored that heaven would renounce 
 him, if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity 
 of his sire. The injuries which this unhappy mother 
 received from her removal in such circumstances, and 
 the want of necessaries where she lodged, together 
 with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her 
 into a languishing disorder, which put an end to her 
 life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so 
 affected with her death, that he remained six weeks 
 deprived of his senses ; during which time, the people 
 where he lodged carried the infant to the old man, 
 who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story 
 of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable con- 
 dition of his son, as to send the child to nurse ; and 
 he ordered my father to be carried home to his 
 house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason. 
 Whether this hard-hearted judge felt any remorse for 
 his cruel treatment of his son and daughter, or (which 
 is more probable) was afraid his character would suffer 
 in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his 
 conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded 
 by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he 
 disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry,
 
 6 Roderick Random 
 
 could not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed 
 most people in the opinion of his having made away 
 with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood 
 the particulars of my birth, will appear in the course of 
 these memoirs. 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 I grow up — Am hated by my Relations — Sent to School — 
 Neglected by my Grandfather — Maltreated by my 
 Master — Seasoned to Adversity — I form Cabals against 
 the Pedant — Am debarred access to my Grandfather — 
 Hunted by his Heir — I demolish the Teeth of his 
 Tutor. 
 
 THERE were not wanting some who suspected my 
 uncles of being concerned in my father's fate, on 
 the supposition that they would all share in the 
 patrimony destined for him ; and this conjecture was 
 strengthened by reflecting, that, in all his calamities, 
 they never discovered the least inclination to serve 
 him ; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their 
 power, fed his father's resentment, and supported his 
 resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But 
 people of judgment treated this situation as an idle 
 chimera ; because, had my relations been so wicked as 
 to consult their interest by committing such an atrocious 
 crime, the fate of my father would have extended 
 to me too, whose life was another obstacle to their 
 expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace ; and as I 
 strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of 
 the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent 
 circumstances could afford : but their favour was a 
 weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins ; 
 who, the more my infancy promised, conceived the more 
 implacable hatred against me ; and, before I was six years
 
 Sent to School 7 
 
 of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather, 
 that I never saw him but by stealth ; when I some- 
 times made up to his chair, as he sat to view his 
 labourers in the field : on which occasions, he would 
 stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to 
 take care of me. I was soon after sent to school at a 
 village hard by, of which he had been dictator time 
 out of mind ; but as he neither paid for my board, nor 
 supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries 
 I required, my condition was very ragged and con- 
 temptible ; and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of 
 my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no con- 
 cern about the progress I made under his instruction. 
 
 In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became 
 a good proficient in the Latin tongue ; and as soon 
 as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather 
 with letters to such a degree, that he sent for my 
 master, and chid him severely for bestowing such 
 pains on my education, telling him, that if ever I 
 should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which 
 he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on 
 his head. The pedant, who dreaded nothing more 
 than the displeasure of his patron, assured his honour, 
 that the boy's ability was more owing to his own 
 genius and application, than to any instruction or 
 encouragement he received ; that, although he could 
 not divest him of the knowledge he had already 
 imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his 
 fingers, he should endeavour, with God's help, to 
 prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he 
 punctually performed what he had undertaken ; for, on 
 pretence that 1 had writ impertinent letters to my 
 grandfather, he caused a board to be made with live 
 holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and 
 thumb of my right hand, and fastened it with whip- 
 cord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
 
 8 Roderick Random 
 
 debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I 
 was freed from in a few days, by an accident which 
 happened in a quarrel between me and another boy, 
 who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so 
 incensed at his ungenerous reproach, that, with one 
 stroke of my machine, I cut him to the skull, to the 
 great terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him 
 bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of 
 what had happened. I was so severely punished for this 
 trespass, that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, 
 the impression it made on me would not be effaced ; 
 no more than the antipathy and horror I conceived 
 for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The con- 
 tempt which my appearance naturally produced in all 
 who saw me, the continual wants to which I was 
 exposed, and my own haughty disposition, impatient 
 of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome 
 adventures, by which I was at length inured to ad- 
 versity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my 
 years. I was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I 
 did not commit ; because, having the character of a 
 vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose 
 author lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have 
 been found guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, 
 of killing cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I 
 never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. 
 Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to 
 persuade my master that I fired a pistol, loaded with 
 small shot, into his window ; though my landlady and 
 the whole family bore witness, that I was a-bed fast 
 asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. 
 I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped drown- 
 ing, by the sinking of a ferry-boat in which I was 
 passenger ; another time for having recovered of a 
 bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running over me ; 
 a third time for being bit by a baker's dog. In short,
 
 Maltreated by his Master 9 
 
 whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction and 
 sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. 
 
 Far from being subdued by this infernal usage, my 
 indignation triumphed over that slavish awe which had 
 hitherto enforced my obedience ; and the more my 
 years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived 
 the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the 
 help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and 
 direction of our usher, who had served my father in 
 his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, 
 writing, and arithmetic ; so that, before I was twelve 
 years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best 
 scholar in the school. This qualification, together 
 with a boldness of temper, and strength of make, 
 which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, 
 gave me such influence over them, that I began to 
 form cabals against my persecutor, and was in hopes 
 of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. 
 Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, 
 most of them of my own age, I was determined to put 
 their metal to trial, that 1 might know how far they 
 were to be depended upon, before I put my grand 
 scheme in execution : with this view, we attacked a 
 body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of 
 a part of the ground allotted to us for the scene of our 
 diversions, and who were then playing at nine-pins 
 on the spot : but I had the mortification to see my 
 adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of 
 them broke in his flight, by the bowl, which one 
 of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This 
 discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them 
 afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained 
 by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received 
 many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our 
 enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these 
 alarms, that they at last abandoned their conquest,
 
 io Roderick Random 
 
 and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own 
 territories. It would be endless to enumerate the 
 exploits we performed in the course of this confederacy, 
 which became the terror of the whole village ; inso- 
 much, that when different interests divided it, one of 
 the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick 
 Random (by which name I was known), to cast the 
 balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe. 
 
 Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day 
 to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I 
 seldom found access, by reason of his being closely 
 besieged by a numerous family of his female grand- 
 children, who, though they perpetually quarrelled 
 among themselves, never failed to join against me, as 
 the common enemy of all. His heir, who was about 
 the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, 
 and, indeed, was qualified for nothing else, notwith- 
 standing his grandfather's indulgence, in entertaining a 
 tutor for him at home, who at the same time performed 
 the office of parish-clerk. This young Actason, who 
 inherited his grandfather's antipathy to everything in 
 distress, never set eyes on me, without uncoupling his 
 beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, 
 whither I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian 
 amusement, he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, 
 no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself 
 with the rising sun, observing that the old gentleman, 
 according to the course of nature, had not long to live, 
 for he was already on the verge of fourscore. The 
 behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so 
 much, that one day, when I was beleaguered by him 
 and his hounds in a farmer's house, where I had found 
 protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent 
 marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four 
 of his fore-teeth, and effectually incapacitated him for 
 doing the office of a clerk.
 
 His Mother's Brother arrives 1 1 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 My Mother's Brother arrives — Relieves me — A Description 
 of him — He goes along with me to the House of my 
 Grandfather — Is encountered by his Dogs — Defeats 
 them, after a bloody Engagement— Is admitted to the 
 old Gentleman — A Dialogue between them. 
 
 ABOUT this time, my mother's only brother, who 
 had been long abroad, lieutenant of a man-of- 
 war, arrived in his own country ; where, being 
 informed of my condition, he came to see me, and, 
 out of his slender finances, not only supplied me with 
 what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved 
 not to leave the country until he had prevailed on my 
 grandfather to settle something handsome on me for 
 the future. This was a task to which he was by no 
 means equal, being entirely ignorant, not only of the 
 judge's disposition, but also unacquainted with the ways 
 of men in general, to which his education on board had 
 kept him an utter stranger. He was a strong built 
 man, somewhat bandy-legged, with a neck like that of 
 a bull, and a face which, you might easily perceive, 
 had withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather. 
 His dress consisted of a soldier's coat, altered for him 
 by the ship's tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of 
 red breeches, japanned with pitch, clean grey worsted 
 stockings, large silver buckles, that covered three- 
 fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown 
 overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, a black 
 bob wig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, 
 an hanger with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a 
 tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. 
 Thus equipped, he set out with me (who, by his bounty, 
 made a very decent appearance,) for my grandfather's 
 house, where we were saluted by .lowler and Cxsar,
 
 12 Roderick Random 
 
 whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our 
 approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy 
 of these curs, I was about to take myself to my heels, 
 when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished 
 his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Csesar 
 sprawling on the ground ; but finding himself attacked 
 at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing 
 Cassar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled 
 about, and, by a lucky stroke, severed Jowler' s head 
 from his body. By this time the young fox-hunter 
 and three servants, armed with pitchforks and flails, 
 were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they 
 found breathless upon the field ; and my cousin was so 
 provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered 
 his attendants to advance and take vengeance on their 
 executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and 
 reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my 
 uncle stepped forward with an undaunted air, at the 
 sight of whose bloody weapon his antagonists fell back 
 with precipitation, when he accosted their leader thus : 
 "Lookee, brother, your dogs have boarded me without 
 provocation ; what I did was in my own defence. So 
 you had best be civil, and let us shoot ahead clear of 
 you." Whether the young squire misinterpreted my 
 uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of 
 his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know 
 not ; but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, 
 and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, 
 who, putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded 
 thus : " Lookee, you lubberly son of a w — e, if you 
 come athwart me, 'ware your gingerbread work ; I'll 
 be foul of your quarter, d — n me." This declaration, 
 followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check 
 the progress of the young gentleman's choler, who, 
 looking behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk 
 into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide
 
 Visit to his Grandfather 1 3 
 
 the contention by himself. Here a parley ensued, 
 which was introduced by my cousin's asking, "Who 
 
 the d 1 are you ? What do you want ? — Some 
 
 scoundrel cf a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted, 
 and turned thief. But don't think you shall escape, 
 sirrah ; I'll have you hanged, you dog, I will ; your 
 blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. 
 I would not have parted with them to save your whole 
 generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you." "None 
 of your jaw, you swab — none of your jaw," replied my 
 unc l e — "else I shall trim your laced jacket for you — I 
 shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy — 
 I shall." 
 
 So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped 
 his cudgel. Meanwhile, the people of the house 
 being alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a 
 window, and asked what was the matter ? " The 
 matter!" answered the lieutenant, "no great matter, 
 young woman. I have business with the old gentle- 
 man, and this spark, belike, won't allow me to come 
 alongside of him, that's all." After a few minutes' 
 pause, we were admitted, and conducted to my grand- 
 father's chamber, through a lane of my relations, who 
 honoured me with very significant looks, as I passed 
 along. When we came into the judge's presence, my 
 uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself 
 in this manner : " Your servant — your servant. What 
 cheer, father ? — what cheer ? — I suppose you don't 
 know me — mayhap you don't. My name is Tom 
 Bowling ; and this here boy — you look as if you did 
 not know him neither ; 'tis like you mayn't. He's 
 new rigg'd, i'faith ; his cloth don't shake in the wind 
 so much as it wont to do. 'Tis my nephew, d'ye see, 
 Roderick Random — your own flesh and blood, old 
 gentleman. Don't lag astern, you dog" (pulling me 
 forward). My grandfather, who was laid up with the
 
 14 Roderick Random 
 
 gout, received this relation, after his long absence, with 
 that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him ; 
 told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to 
 sit down. " Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief 
 stand," said my uncle. " For my own part, I desire 
 nothing of you ; but if you have any conscience at all, 
 do something for this poor boy, who has been used at 
 a very unchristian rate. Unchristian, do I call it ? I 
 am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity 
 than to leave their little ones to want. I would fain 
 know why my sister's son is more neglected than that 
 there fair-weather Jack," (pointing to the young squire, 
 who, with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into 
 the room). "Is not he as near akin to you as the 
 other ? Is not he much handsomer and better built 
 than that great chucklehead ? Come, come — consider, 
 old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an 
 account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs 
 you did his father ; and make all the satisfaction in 
 your power, before it be too late. The least thing 
 you can do is to settle his father's portion on him." 
 
 The young ladies, who thought themselves too much 
 concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their 
 throats all together against my protector : " Scurvy com- 
 panion — saucy tarpaulin — rude, impertinent fellow — 
 did he think to prescribe to grandpapa ? His sister's 
 brat had been too well taken care of; grandpapa was 
 too just not to make a difference between an unnatural 
 rebellious son, and his dutiful loving children, who 
 took his advice in all things" — and such expressions, 
 were vented against him with great violence, until the 
 judge at length commanded silence. He calmly re- 
 buked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which 
 he said he would excuse, on account of his education. 
 He told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom 
 he had kept to school seven or eight years, although he
 
 Visit to his Grandfather 1 5 
 
 was informed he made no progress in his learning, but 
 was addicted to all manner of vice ; which he rather 
 believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous 
 piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his 
 chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad 
 was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest 
 tradesman or other, provided he would mend his 
 manners, and behave for the future as became him. 
 
 The honest tar, whose pride and indignation boiled 
 within him, answered my grandfather, that it was true 
 he had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing ; 
 for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish 
 him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries ; 
 so that it was not to be much wondered at, if the boy 
 made small progress ; and yet, whoever told him so, 
 was a lying lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel- 
 hauled. For though he (the lieutenant) did not 
 understand those matters himself, he was well informed 
 as how Rory was the best scholar of his age in all the 
 country ; the truth of which he would maintain, by 
 laying a wager of his whole half-year's pay on the boy's 
 head ; (with these words, he pulled out his purse, and 
 challenged the company). "Neither is he predicted 
 to vice, as you affirm, but rather left like a wreck, d'ye 
 see, at the mercy of the wind and weather by your 
 neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to 
 your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock 
 out the scoundrel's brains, instead of his teeth. By 
 the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better 
 be in Greenland — that's all. Thank you for your 
 courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a 
 tradesman. \ suppose you would make a tailor of 
 him — would you ? 1 hail rather see him hanged, d'ye 
 sec. Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, 
 my boy ; let's tack about — i'faith, while I have a 
 shilling, thou shan't want a tester. B'wye, old gentle-
 
 1 6 Roderick Random 
 
 man, you're bound for the other world, but I believe 
 damnably ill provided for the voyage." Thus ended 
 our visit, and we returned to the village, my uncle 
 muttering curses all the way against the old shark and 
 the young fry that surrounded him. 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 My Grandfather makes his Will— Our second Visit — He 
 dies — His Will is read in presence of all his living 
 Descendants — The Disappointment of my female 
 Cousins — My Uncle's Behaviour. 
 
 A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were in- 
 formed that the old judge, at the end of a fit of 
 thoughtfulness which lasted three days, had sent 
 for a notary, and made his will ; that the distemper had 
 mounted from his legs to his stomach, and, being con- 
 scious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all 
 his descendants without exception. In obedience to 
 this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, 
 to receive the last benediction of my grandfather : 
 often repeating by the road, " Ey, ey, we have 
 brought up the old hulk at last. You shall see, — you 
 shall see the effect of my admonition." When we 
 entered his chamber, which was crowded with his 
 relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found 
 him in his last agonies, supported by two of his grand- 
 daughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most 
 piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it 
 gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with 
 a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle 
 approached him with these words : " What ! he's not 
 aweigh ? How fare ye, old gentleman ? — Lord have 
 mercy upon your poor sinful soul." Upon which the
 
 Death of his Grandfather 1 7 
 
 dying man turned his languid eyes towards us, and 
 Mr. Bowling went on, " Here's poor Rory come to see 
 you before you die, and receive your blessing. What, 
 man ! don't despair, — you have been a great sinner, 
 'tis true, what then ? There's a righteous judge 
 above, — a'nt there ? — He minds me no more than a 
 porpoise. Yes, yes, he's agoing, — the land crabs will 
 have him, I see that, — his anchor's apeak, i'faith." 
 
 This homely consolation scandalised the company so 
 much, and especially the parson, who probably thought 
 his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire 
 into the other room, where, in a few minutes, we were 
 convinced of my grandfather's decease, by a dismal 
 yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment ; 
 whither we immediately hastened, and found his heir, 
 who had retired a little before into a closet, under 
 pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a 
 countenance beslubbered with tears, it his grandpapa 
 was certainly dead? — "Dead!' 1 says my uncle, 
 looking at the body, "ay, ay, I'll warrant him as dead 
 as a herring. Odds fish ! now my dream is out for 
 all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, 
 and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark 
 that floated alongside, and the devil perching on our 
 sprit-sail yard, in the likeness of a blue bear, — who, 
 d'ye see, jumped overboard upon the carcass, and 
 carried it to the bottom in his claws." " Out upon 
 thee, reprobate!" cries the parson, "out upon thee, 
 blasphemous wretch ! — Dost thou think his honour's 
 soul is in the possession of Satan i" The clamour 
 immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being shouldered 
 from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged 
 to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn 
 out for no man, till such time as he knew who had a 
 title to send him adrift. "None of your tricks upon 
 travellers," said he; "mayhap old buff has left my 
 1. — 2
 
 1 8 Roderick Random 
 
 kinsman here his heir : if he has, it will be the 
 better for his miserable soul. Odds bob ! I'd desire 
 no better news. I'd soon make him a clear ship, I 
 warrant you." To avoid any further disturbance, one 
 of my grandfather's executors, who was present, assured 
 Mr. Bowling that his nephew should have all manner 
 of justice ; that a day should be appointed, after the 
 funeral, for examining the papers of the deceased, in 
 presence of all his relations ; till which time every 
 desk and cabinet in the house should remain close 
 sealed ; and that he was very welcome to be witness 
 to this ceremony, which was immediately performed to 
 his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders were given 
 to provide mourning for all the relations, in which 
 number I was included : but my uncle would not suffer 
 me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether 
 or not I had reason to honour his memory so far. 
 
 During this interval, the conjectures of people, with 
 regard to the old gentleman's will, were various. As 
 it was well known he had, besides his landed estate, 
 which was worth ^700 per annum, six or seven 
 thousand pounds at interest, some imagined, that the 
 whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) 
 would go to the young man whom he always entertained 
 as his heir ; and that the money would be equally 
 divided between my female cousins (five in number) 
 and me. Others were of opinion, that as the rest of 
 his children had been already provided for, he would 
 only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of 
 his granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to 
 me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my father. At 
 length the important hour arrived, and the will was 
 produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks 
 and gestures formed a group that would have been 
 very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But 
 the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and
 
 Reading the Will 1 9 
 
 mortification that appeared, when the attorney pro- 
 nounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his 
 grandfather's estate, personal and real. My uncle, 
 who had listened with great attention, sucking the 
 head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these 
 words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that 
 alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest 
 of my female competitors, who had been always very 
 officious about my grandfather's person, inquired with 
 a faltering accent, and visage as yellow as an orange, 
 "If there were no legacies?' 1 and was answered, 
 " None at all." Upon which she fainted away. The 
 rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, 
 supported their disappointment with more resolution ; 
 though not without giving evident marks of indignation, 
 and grief at least as genuine as that which appeared in 
 them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, 
 after having kicked with his heel for some time against 
 the wainscot, began : " So there's no legacy, friend, ha ! 
 — here's an old succubus ; — but somebody's soul howls 
 for it, d — n me ! ' : The parson of the parish, who was 
 one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to 
 the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he 
 cried out, " Avaunt, unchristian reviler ! avaunt ! — wilt 
 thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace?" 
 But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly 
 seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now 
 joined my uncle against him, and accused him of 
 having acted the part of a busy-body with their grand- 
 papa, whose ears he had certainly abused by false 
 stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have 
 neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The 
 young squire was much diverted with this scene, and 
 whispered to my uncle, that, if he had not murdered 
 his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by 
 hunting a black badger (so he termed the clergyman).
 
 20 Roderick Random 
 
 The surly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to 
 relish this amusement, replied, " You and your dogs 
 may be d — d ; I suppose you'll find them with your 
 old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory — about 
 ship, my lad, — we must steer another course, I think." 
 — And away we went. 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously- — J form a Project of 
 Revenge, in which I am assisted by my Uncle — I 
 leave the Village — Am settled at an University by his 
 generosity. 
 
 ON our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not 
 a word during the space of a whole hour, but 
 whistled, with great vehemence, the tune of 
 "Why should we quarrel for riches," etc., his visage 
 being contracted all the while into a most formidable 
 frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree, 
 that I was left behind a considerable way. Then he 
 waited for me ; and, when I was almost up with him, 
 called out in a surly tone, " Bear a hand, damme ! 
 must I bring-to every minute for you, you lazy dog ? " 
 Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me along, 
 until his good nature, of which he had a great share, 
 and reflection getting the better of his passion, he said, 
 " Come, my boy, don't be cast down, — the old rascal 
 is in hell, — that's some satisfaction ; you shall go to 
 sea with me, my lad. — 'A light heart and a thin pair 
 of breeches goes through the world, brave boys,' 
 as the song goes, eh ! ' : Though this proposal did 
 not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discover- 
 ing any aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only
 
 Plot against the Schoolmaster 2 1 
 
 friend I had in the world ; and he was so much a 
 seaman, that he never dreamt I could have any objection 
 to his design, consequently gave himself no trouble in 
 consulting my approbation. But this resolution was 
 soon dropt, by the advice of our usher, who assured 
 Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to balk 
 my genius, which would certainly, one day, make my 
 fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation. 
 Upon which this generous tar determined, though he 
 could ill afford it, to give me university education ; and 
 accordingly settled my board and other expenses, at 
 a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges, 
 whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the 
 day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer 
 had the fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid 
 aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused 
 me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest, 
 as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom 
 he had taught out of charity ; but also inveighed 
 in the most bitter manner against the memory of the 
 judge, (who, by the by, had procured that settlement 
 for him,) hinting in pretty plain terms, that the old 
 gentleman's soul was damn'd to all eternity, for his in- 
 justice in neglecting to pay for my learning. 
 
 This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had 
 formerly undergone, made me think it high time to be 
 revenged of this insolent pedagogue. Having con- 
 sulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their 
 promises to stand by me ; and our scheme was this : in 
 the afternoon preceding the day of my departure for the 
 university, I resolved to take the advantage of the 
 usher's going out to make water, which he regularly 
 did at four o'clock, and shut the great door, that he 
 might not come to the assistance of his superior. This 
 being done, the assault was to be begun, by my advancing 
 to my master, and spitting in his f.ice. I was to be
 
 22 Roderick. Random 
 
 seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, 
 who were devoted to me ; their business was to join 
 me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he 
 was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged 
 with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from 
 him in the struggle ; but if we should find him too 
 many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance 
 of our competitors, who should be ready to reinforce 
 us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken for 
 the master's relief. One of my principal assistants 
 was called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy 
 gentleman in the neighbourhood ; and the name of the 
 other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given 
 shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I had 
 once saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river, and 
 dragging him on shore, when he was on the point of 
 being drowned. I had often rescued him from the 
 clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had 
 provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain ; 
 and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by 
 performing his exercises at school ; so that it is not to 
 be wondered at if he had a particular regard for me 
 and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed 
 from a voluntary disinterested inclination, which had 
 manifested itself on many occasions on my behalf, he 
 having once rendered me the same service that I had 
 done Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own ; 
 and often fathered offences that I had committed, for 
 which he suffered severely, rather than I should feel 
 the weight of the punishment I deserved. These two 
 champions were the more willing to engage in this 
 enterprise, because they intended to leave the school 
 the next day as well as I, the first being ordered by 
 his father to return into the country, and the other 
 being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town 
 not far off.
 
 Assisted by his Uncle 23 
 
 In the meantime, my uncle being informed of my 
 master's behaviour to me, was enraged at his insolence, 
 and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could not refrain 
 from telling him the scheme I had concerted, which 
 he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence 
 squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with 
 tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. 
 At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, " No, no, 
 z — ds ! that won't do, neither. Howsomever, 'tis a 
 bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i'faith ! 
 But, lookee, lookee, how dost propose to get clear off? 
 — won't the enemy give chase, my boy ? ay, ay, that 
 he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast. Ah ! 
 God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. Let 
 me alone for that — leave the whole to me — I'll show 
 him the foretop-sail, I will. If so be your shipmates 
 are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you shall see, you 
 shall see ; egad, I'll play him a salt-water trick ; I'll 
 bring him to the gangway, and anoint him with a cat- 
 o'-nine-tails ; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my 
 lad, he shall, and be left lashed to his meditations." 
 
 We were very proud of our associate, who imme- 
 diately went to work, and prepared the instrument of 
 his revenge with great skill and expedition ; after which, 
 he ordered our baggage to be packed up, and sent off a 
 day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be 
 mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At 
 length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing 
 the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted in, 
 secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the 
 pedant by his collar, who bawled out, "Murder! 
 thieves ! ' : with the voice of a Stentor. Though I 
 trembled all over like an aspen-leaf, I knew there was 
 no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and 
 summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap, 
 without any hesitation, obeyed the signal ; and seeing
 
 24 Roderick Random 
 
 me leap upon the master's back, ran immediately to 
 one of his legs, which, pulling with all his force, his 
 dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground ; upon 
 which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, 
 under the influence of an universal trepidation, hastened 
 to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant 
 with a loud huzza, in which the whole school joined. 
 
 This noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself 
 shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by 
 entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle bade him 
 have a little patience, and he would let him in presently ; 
 but, if he pretended to move from that place, it should 
 fare worse with the son of a b — h, his superior, on 
 whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome 
 chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory ; " to 
 which," said he, "you are no stranger." By this time 
 we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which Bowling 
 tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose, after 
 having secured his hands, and stript his back. In this 
 ludicrous posture he stood, (to the no small entertainment 
 of the boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with 
 great exultation at the novelty of the sight, ) venting bitter 
 imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his 
 scholars with treachery and rebellion, when the usher 
 was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner : 
 " Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest 
 man, d'ye see, and I have a respect for you ; but, for 
 all that, we must, for our own security, d'ye see, belay 
 you for a short time." With these words, he pulled 
 out some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no 
 sooner saw, than he protested with great earnestness 
 he would allow no violence to be offered to him ; at 
 the same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. 
 But Bowling representing that it was in vain to resist, 
 and that he did not mean to use him with violence and 
 indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the hue
 
 Schoolmaster Flogged 25 
 
 and cry against us before we should be out of their power, 
 he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where 
 he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his 
 principal. My uncle having upbraided this arbitrary 
 wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him that he 
 proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of 
 his soul, which he immediately put in practice with 
 great vigour and dexterity. This smart application to 
 the pedant's withered posteriors, gave him such ex- 
 quisite pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, 
 cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When 
 the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he 
 took his leave of him in these words : " Now, friend, 
 you'll remember me the longest day you have to live ; 
 I have given you a lesson that will let you know what 
 flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy for 
 the future — shout, boys, shout." This ceremony was 
 no sooner over, than my uncle proposed they should 
 quit the school, and convoy their old comrade Rory 
 to a public-house, about a mile from the village, where 
 he would treat them all. His offer being joyfully 
 embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and 
 begged him to accompany us ; but this invitation he 
 refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he- 
 was not the man he took him to be. " Well, well, 
 old surly," replied my uncle, shaking his hand, "thou 
 art an honest fellow notwithstanding ; and if ever I 
 have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our school- 
 master, i'faith." So saying, he dismissed the boys, and 
 locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one 
 another, while we moved forwards on our journey, 
 attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated 
 according to his promise. We parted with many 
 tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about 
 ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at 
 which we arrived next day ; and 1 found 1 had no
 
 iG Roderick Random 
 
 cause to complain of the accommodations provided for 
 me, in being boarded at the house of an apothecary, 
 who had married a distant relation of my mother. In 
 a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having 
 settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and 
 education. 
 
 CHAPTER SIX 
 
 I make great progress in my Studies — Am caressed by Every- 
 body — My female Cousins take notice of me — I reject 
 their Invitation — They are incensed, and conspire 
 against me — I am left destitute by a Misfortune that 
 befalls my Uncle — Gawky's Treachery — My Revenge. 
 
 AS I was now capable of reflection, I began to con- 
 sider my precarious situation ; that I was utterly 
 abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect 
 me ; and that my sole dependence was on the generosity 
 of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession 
 to continual dangers, which might one day deprive me 
 of him for ever ; but also, no doubt, subject to those 
 vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune 
 usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with 
 the world might produce ; for I always ascribed his 
 benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet un- 
 debauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarmed 
 at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with 
 great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in 
 my power : this I did with such success, that, in the 
 space of three years, I understood Greek very well, 
 was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no 
 stranger to moral and natural philosophy ; logic I made 
 no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself 
 on my taste in the Belles Lettres, and a talent for 
 poetry, which had already produced some pieces that
 
 Caressed by Everybody 27 
 
 met with a very favourable reception. These qualifica- 
 tions, added to a good face and shape, acquired the 
 esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable 
 people in town ; and I had the satisfaction to find 
 myself in some degree of favour with the ladies — an 
 intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my amorous 
 complexion ! — which I obtained, or, at least, pre- 
 served, by gratifying their propensity to scandal in 
 lampooning their rivals. Two of my female cousins 
 lived in this place with their mother, since the death of 
 their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided 
 between them ; so that, if they were not the most 
 beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts in town, 
 and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and 
 cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto 
 been looked upon by them with the most supercilious 
 contempt, my character now attracted their notice so 
 much, that I was given to understand I might be 
 honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased. 
 
 The reader will easily perceive that this condescension 
 either flowed from the hope of making my poetical capa- 
 city subservient to their malice, or, at least, of screen- 
 ing themselves from the lash of my resentment, which 
 they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph 
 with great satisfaction ; and not only rejected their offer 
 with disdain, but, in all my performances, whether 
 satire or panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning 
 their names, even while I celebrated those of their 
 intimates. This neglect mortified their pride exceed- 
 ingly, and incensed them to such a degree, that they 
 were resolved to make me repent of my indifference. 
 The first stroke of their revenge consisted in their 
 hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the 
 subject of which was my own poverty, and the cata- 
 strophe of my unhappy parents. But, besides the bad- 
 ness of the composition, (of which they themselves
 
 28 Roderick Random 
 
 were ashamed,) they did not find their account in 
 endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes 
 which they and their relations had brought upon 
 me, and which, consequently, reflected much more 
 dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the 
 innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice. Finding 
 this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young 
 gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned 
 his mistress ; and so effectually succeeded in the quality 
 of incendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to 
 seize me next night, as I returned to my lodgings from 
 a friend's house that I frequented. With this view, he 
 waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, 
 to whom he had imparted his design, of carrying me 
 down to the river, in which he proposed to have me 
 heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the 
 weather, it being then about the middle of December. 
 But this stratagem did not succeed ; for, being apprised 
 of their ambush, I got home another way, and, by the 
 help of my landlord's apprentice, discharged a volley 
 from the garret window, which did great execution 
 upon them ; and, next day, occasioned so much mirth 
 at their expense, that they found themselves under a 
 necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should 
 be entirely forgotten. My cousins, though twice 
 baffled in their expectation, did not, however, desist 
 from persecuting me, who had now enraged them be- 
 yond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their 
 malice, and preventing its effects. Neither should I 
 have found them more humane, had I patiently sub- 
 mitted to their rancour, and bor fjn ~] e, without murmuring, 
 the rigour of their unreasonable hate ; for I have found, 
 by experience, that, though small favours may be ac- 
 knowledged, and slight injuries atoned, there is no 
 wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most gener- 
 ously obliged ; and no enemy so implacable as those
 
 Cousins conspire against him 29 
 
 who have done you the greatest wrong. These good- 
 natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme 
 which conspired, with a piece of bad news I soon after 
 received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired. 
 
 This plan was to debauch the faith of my companion 
 and confident, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, 
 by imparting to them the particulars of my small amours, 
 which they published with such exaggerations, that I 
 suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, and 
 was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose 
 names had been called in question. While I was busy 
 in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might 
 not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my 
 character to my friends, I one day perceived the looks 
 of my landlady much altered when I went home to 
 dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she screwed up 
 her mouth, and fixing her eyes on the ground, told me 
 her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, 
 with one enclosed for me — she was very sorry for what 
 had happened, botli for my sake and his own — people- 
 should be more cautious of their conduct. She was 
 always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into 
 some misfortune or other. As for her part, she would 
 be very ready to befriend me, but she had a small 
 family of her own to maintain. The world would do 
 nothing for her if she should come to want — charity 
 begins at home. She wished I had been bound to 
 some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver, or a 
 shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learn- 
 ing foolish nonsense that would never bring me in 
 a penny — but some folks are wise, and some are 
 otherwise. I was listening to this mysterious dis- 
 course with great amazement, when her husband 
 entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both 
 the letters into my hand. I received them trembling, 
 and read what follows : —
 
 30 Roderick Random 
 
 To Mr. Roger Potion. 
 
 (< Sir, — This is to let you know that I have quitted the 
 Thunder man of war, being obliged to sheer off, for killing 
 my captain, which 1 did fairly on the beach at Cape 
 Tiberoon, in the island of Hispaniola ; having received 
 his fire, and returned it, which went through his body. 
 And I would serve the best man so that ever stept between 
 stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum 
 did. I am, thank God, safe among the French, who are 
 very civil, thof I don't understand their lingo: and I hope 
 to be restored in a little time, for all the great friends and 
 parliamentary interest of the captain, for I have sent over to 
 my landlord in Deal an account of the whole affair, with our 
 bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I 
 have desired him to lay it before his Majesty, who (God 
 bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. 
 My love to your spouse, and am 
 
 " Your loving friend and servant to command, while 
 
 " Thomas Bowling. " 
 
 To Roderick Random. 
 
 "DearRory, — Don't be grieved at my misfortune; but 
 mind your book, my lad. I have got no money to send 
 you ; but what of that? — Mr. Potion will take care of you, 
 for the love he bears me, and let you want for nothing, and 
 it shall go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No more 
 at present, but rests 
 
 " Your dutiful uncle and servant till death, 
 " Thomas Bowling." 
 
 This letter, which with the other was dated from 
 Port Louis in Hispaniola, I had no sooner read, than 
 the apothecary, shaking his head, began : "I have a 
 very great regard for Mr. Bowling, that's certain, — 
 and could be well content — but times are very hard. 
 There's no such thing as money to be got — I believe 
 'tis all vanished under ground, for my part. Besides, 
 I have been out of pocket already, having entertained 
 you since the beginning of this month without receiv- 
 ing a sixpence, — and God knows if ever I shall ; — for
 
 Is left destitute 31 
 
 I believe it will go hard with your uncle. And more 
 than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I 
 want your apartment for a new 'prentice, whom I 
 expect from the country every hour. So I desire you 
 will this week provide yourself with another lodging." 
 
 The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me 
 spirits to support my reverse of fortune, and to tell him, 
 I despised his mean selfish disposition so much, that I 
 would starve rather than be beholden to him for one 
 single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, 
 I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and 
 assured him I would not sleep another night under his 
 roof. This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and 
 sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shelter, 
 having not one friend in the world capable of relieving 
 me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving 
 way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I 
 went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one 
 shilling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to 
 pay per advance, before the landlord would receive me. 
 Thither I removed my luggage ; and next morning got 
 up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of 
 a person who had on all occasions loaded me with 
 caresses, and made frequent offers of friendship, while 
 I was under no necessity of accepting them. He 
 received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on 
 my breakfasting with him — a favour which I did not 
 think fit to refuse. But, when I communicated the 
 occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that 
 I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery 
 of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of tin- 
 most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did 
 not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering 
 himself from his confusion, he told me, he was grieved 
 at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed 
 between my landlord Mr. Potion anil me. Where-
 
 32 Roderick Random 
 
 upon I recounted the conversation ; and when I re- 
 peated the answer I made to his ungenerous remon- 
 strance with regard to my leaving his house, this 
 pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, "Is 
 it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had 
 treated you so kindly all along ! ' : My surprise at 
 hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might 
 be ; and I gave him to understand, with some warmth, 
 that I did not imagine he would so unreasonably espouse 
 the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled 
 from every social community. This heat of mine gave 
 him all the advantage he desired over me, and our 
 discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his 
 desiring never to see me again in that place ; to which 
 desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that had I 
 been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as 
 I was now, he never should have had an opportunity 
 of making that request ; — and thus we parted. 
 
 On my return I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, 
 whom his father had sent, some time ago, to town, 
 for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and 
 other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him, 
 since his arrival, on the footing of our old intimacy, I 
 made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my 
 circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to 
 answer my present expense ; upon which he pulled out 
 a handful of halfpence, with a shilling or two among 
 them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket 
 till next quarter-day, he having lost the greatest part of 
 his allowance the night before at billiards. Though 
 this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely 
 mortified at his indifference ; for he neither expressed 
 any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating 
 my distress ; and accordingly I left him without utter- 
 ing one word. But, when I afterwards understood 
 that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me
 
 Revenge on Gawky 23 
 
 to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had 
 carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which 
 afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, 
 I determined with myself to call him to a severe 
 account ; for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and 
 wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a certain 
 time and place, that I might have an opportunity of 
 punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He 
 accepted the invitation ; and I betook myself to the 
 field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance 
 to the combat, which frequently attacked me in cold 
 sweats by the way : but the desire of revenge, the 
 shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to 
 repel these unmanly symptoms of fear ; and I appeared 
 on the plain with a good grace. There I waited an 
 hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill-pleased 
 to find he had no mind to meet me ; because I should 
 have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, dis- 
 playing my own courage, and of beating him soundly 
 wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of 
 the consequence. Elevated with these suggestions, 
 which entirely banished all thoughts of my deplorable 
 condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where 
 I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set 
 out for the country in less than an hour after he had 
 received my billet : and I was vain enough to have the 
 whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain 
 to sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than 
 half price, to defray the expense, and contribute to my 
 subsistence. 
 
 '•— 3
 
 34 Roderick Random 
 
 CHAPTER SEVEN 
 
 I am entertained by Mr. Crab — A Description of him — I 
 acquire the Art of Surgery — Consult Crab's Disposition 
 — Become necessary to him — An Accident happens — He 
 advises me to launch out into the World — Assists me 
 with Money — I set out for London. 
 
 THE fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as 
 well as the vanity of my success, I found myself 
 deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and 
 avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, 
 or rather as a solitary being, no ways comprehended 
 within the scheme or protection of Providence. My 
 despair had rendered me almost quite stupefied, when I 
 was one day told that a gentleman desired to see me at 
 a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired, 
 and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a 
 surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more in 
 drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by mixing a 
 quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before 
 I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will 
 not be disagreeable to the reader if I describe the 
 gentleman who sent for me, and mention some circum- 
 stances of his character and conduct, which may illustrate 
 what follows, and account for his behaviour to me. 
 
 This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about 
 {ive feet high, and ten round the belly ; his face was 
 capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion 
 of a mulberry ; his nose, resembling a powder-horn, 
 was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over 
 with carbuncles ; and his little grey eyes reflected the 
 rays in such an oblique manner, that, while he looked 
 a person full in the face, one would have imagined he 
 was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long 
 entertained an implacable resentment against Potion,
 
 Entertained by Mr. Crab 25 
 
 who, though a young practitioner, was better employed 
 than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure 
 whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic 
 of the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at one 
 time upon the point of being made up by the interposi- 
 tion and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed 
 beyond a possibility of reconcilation by the respective 
 wives of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a 
 christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from 
 invectives to blows, and were, with great difficulty, by 
 the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of 
 joy into a scene of lamentation. 
 
 The difference between these rivals was in the height 
 of rancour, when I received the message of Crab, who 
 received me as civilly as I could have expected from 
 one of his disposition ; and, after desiring me to sit, 
 inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of 
 Potion ; which, when I had related, he said with a 
 malicious grin, "There's a sneaking dog! — I always 
 thought him a fellow without a soul, d — n me ! — a 
 canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his 
 hypocrisy, and kissing the a — se of everybody." "Aye, 
 aye," says another, "one might see with half an eye 
 that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so 
 regularly to church." This sentence was confirmed 
 by a third, who assured his companions, that Potion 
 was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at 
 a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished 
 himself by an extempore prayer an hour long. After 
 this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these 
 words: "Well, my lad, I have heard a good character 
 of you, and I'll do for you. You may send your 
 things to my house when you please. I have given 
 orders for your reception. Zounds ! what does the 
 booby stare at ? — If you have no mind to embrace my 
 courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d — d." I
 
 36 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 answered, with a submissive bow, that I was far from 
 rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately 
 accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing 
 I was to be entertained. "What footing! d — n my 
 blood," cried he ; " d'ye expect to have a footman and 
 a couple of horses kept for you ? ' : " No, sir," I 
 replied, " my expectations are not quite so sanguine. 
 That I may be as little burdensome as possible, I would 
 willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may 
 save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at 
 least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having 
 employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of 
 that art while I lived with Mr. Potion : neither am I 
 altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied 
 with great pleasure and application." " Oho ! you 
 did?" says Crab. "Gentlemen, here is a complete 
 artist! — Studied surgery ! what? in books, I suppose. 
 I shall have you disputing with me one of these days 
 on points of my profession. You can already account 
 for muscular motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery 
 of the brain and nerves — ha ? You are too learned for 
 me, d— n me. But let's hear no more of this stuff. 
 Can you bleed and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and 
 prepare a potion ? " Upon my answering in the affirm- 
 ative he shook his head, telling me he believed he 
 should have little good of me, for all my promises ; but, 
 however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. 
 
 I was accordingly that very night admitted to his 
 house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the 
 garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwith- 
 standing the mortification my pride suffered in this 
 change of circumstances. I was soon convinced of the 
 real motives which induced Crab to receive me in this 
 manner : for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by 
 exposing the selfishness of his antagonist in opposition 
 to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he
 
 Crab's Disposition 37 
 
 had occasion for a young man who understood some- 
 thing of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest 
 apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of 
 foul play from his master's brutality. The knowledge 
 of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour 
 to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all 
 contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease ; 
 however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow 
 myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab's 
 temper with all the application, and manage it with all 
 the address, in my power. And it was not long before 
 I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, which 
 governed his behaviour towards all his dependents. I 
 observed, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard 
 of his satisfaction, that, if his wife or servants betrayed 
 the least symptom of participation, he was offended to 
 an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects 
 of which they seldom failed to feel. And, when his 
 indignation was roused, submission and soothing always 
 exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and 
 humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan ; and 
 one day, when he honoured me with the names of 
 ignorant whelp, and lazy ragamuffin, I boldly replied, 
 " I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both 
 understood and performed my business as well as he 
 could do for his soul ; neither was it just to call me 
 ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat 01^ my back, and 
 was descended from a better family than any he could 
 boast an alliance with." He gave tokens of great 
 amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his 
 cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a 
 countenance truly diabolical. Although 1 was terribly 
 startled at his menacing looks and posture, I yet had 
 reflection enough left to convince me I had gone too 
 far to retract, and that this was the critical minute 
 which must decide my future lot in his service ; I
 
 38 Roderick. Random 
 
 therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, 
 if he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see 
 whether his skull or my weapon was hardest. He 
 continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth 
 into these ejaculations: "This is fine usage from a 
 servant to a master, — very fine! — d — tion ! — but no 
 matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall. I'll 
 do your business — yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift your 
 hand against me." So saying, he retired, and left me 
 under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished entirely 
 at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual 
 complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch 
 after dinner. By this conduct I got the ascendency 
 over him in a short time, and became so necessary to 
 him, in managing his business while he was engaged at 
 the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect ; 
 and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former 
 acquaintance with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a 
 close application to the duties of my employment, in 
 which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was 
 on very good terms with my master's wife, whose 
 esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. 
 Potion in the most ridiculous lights my satirical talents 
 could invent, as well as by rendering her some Christian 
 offices when she had been too familiar with the dram 
 bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for con- 
 solation under the affliction she suffered from her 
 barbarous husband. 
 
 In this manner I lived, without hearing the least 
 tidings of my uncle, for the space of two years, 
 during which time I kept little or no company, 
 being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capa- 
 city to maintain much acquaintance : for the Nabal, 
 my master, allowed me no wages ; and the small 
 perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the 
 common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert
 
 An Accident happens 39 
 
 unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and 
 elevated with the extravagance of hope : my misfortunes 
 had taught me how little the caresses of the world, 
 during a man's prosperity, are to be valued by him ; 
 and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to 
 set about making himself independent of them. My 
 present appearance, therefore, was the least of my care, 
 which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of 
 instruction that might secure me against the caprice of 
 fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and 
 contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody 
 pronounced me crestfallen ; and Gawky returned to 
 town, without running any risk from my resentment, 
 which was by this time pretty much cooled, and re- 
 strained by prudential reasons so effectually, that I 
 ne\ er so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for 
 the injuries he had done me. When I deemed myself 
 sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about 
 for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope 
 of finding some provision that might make amends for 
 the difficulties I had undergone : but, as this could not 
 be effected without a small sum of money to equip me 
 for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to 
 raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, 
 would never put me in a condition to leave him, when 
 his interest was so much concerned in my stay. But 
 a small accident which happened about this time 
 determined him in my favour. This was no other 
 than the pregnancy of his maid-servant, who declared 
 her situation to me, assuring me, at the same time, that 
 I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason 
 to question the truth of this imputation, I was not 
 ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between 
 her master anil her; taking the advantage of which I 
 tented to her the folly of laying the burden at my 
 door, when she might dispose of it to much better
 
 40 Roderick Random 
 
 purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and 
 next day acquainted him with the pretended success of 
 their mutual endeavours. He was far from being 
 overjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw 
 might have very troublesome consequences ; not that 
 he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches 
 from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection ; 
 but because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion 
 with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputa- 
 tion ; there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness 
 in the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the 
 island where he lived. He, therefore, took a resolution 
 worthy of himself; which was, to persuade the girl 
 that she was not with child, but only afflicted with a 
 disorder incident to young women, which he would 
 easily remove. With this view, as he pretended, he 
 prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would 
 infallibly procure abortion ; but in this scheme he was 
 disappointed ; for the maid, being advertised by me of his 
 design, and at the same time well acquainted with her 
 own condition, absolutely refused to follow his direc- 
 tions ; and threatened to publish her situation to the 
 world, if he would not immediately take some method 
 of providing for the important occasion, which she 
 expected in a few months. It was not long before I 
 guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing 
 himself to me, one day, in this manner : " I am sur- 
 prised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination 
 to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your 
 age I was broiling on the coast of Guinea. — D — me ! 
 what's to hinder you from profiting by the war which 
 will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain ? 
 You may easily get on board of a king's ship in quality 
 of a surgeon's mate ; where you will certainly see a 
 great deal of practice, and stand a good chance of 
 getting prize-money." I laid hold of this declaration,
 
 Sets out for London 41 
 
 which I had long wished for, and assured him I would 
 follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my power ; 
 but that it was impossible for me to embrace an oppor- 
 tunity of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a 
 little money to supply me with what necessaries I 
 should want, and defray the expenses of my journey to 
 London. He told me that few necessaries were 
 required ; and as for the expense of my journey, he 
 would lend me money sufficient not only for that 
 purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London 
 until I should procure a warrant for my provision on 
 board of some ship. I gave him a thousand thanks for 
 his obliging offer (although I was very well apprised 
 of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay 
 the bastard to my charge after my departure), and 
 accordingly set out in a few weeks for London, my 
 wh 'e fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a 
 dozen )f ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of 
 worsted, and a like number of thread stockings, a 
 case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, 
 Wiseman's Surgery, and ten guineas in cash, for which 
 Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent, interest ; at 
 the same time [he] gave me a letter to the member of 
 parliament for our town, which, he -said, would do my 
 business effectually. 
 
 CHAPTER EIGHT 
 
 I arrive at Newcastle — Meet with my old Schoolfellow 
 Strap — We determine to walk together to London — 
 Set out on our Journey — Put up at a solitary Ale-house 
 — Are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night. 
 
 INHERE is no such convenience as a waggon in 
 this country, and my finances were too weak to 
 support the expense of hiring a horse ; I deter- 
 mined therefore to set out with the carriers, who
 
 42 Roderick. Random 
 
 transport goods from one place to another on horseback; 
 and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the 
 first day of November 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle 
 between two baskets, one of which contained my goods 
 in a knapsack. But, by the time we arrived at New- 
 castle-upon-Tyne, I was so fatigued with the tedious- 
 ness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness 
 of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my 
 journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagree- 
 able manner. 
 
 The hostler of the inn at which we put up, under- 
 standing I was bound for London, advised me to take 
 my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap 
 and expeditious, and withal much easier than to walk 
 upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads in 
 the winter time ; a journey which, he believed, I had 
 not strength enough to perform. I was almost per- 
 suaded to take his advice, when, one day, stepping into 
 a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while 
 he lathered my face, accosted me thus : " Sir, I pre- 
 sume you are a Scotchman." I answered in the 
 affirmative. "Pray," continued he, "from what part 
 of Scotland?" — I no sooner told him, than he dis- 
 covered great emotion, and not confining his operation 
 to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face 
 with great agitation. I was so offended at this pro- 
 fusion, that, starting up, I asked him what the d — 1 he 
 meant by using me so ? He begged pardon, telling me 
 his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned 
 some confusion in him ; and craved my name. But 
 when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed 
 in a rapture, " How ! Rory Random ? " The same, 
 I replied, looking at him with astonishment. " What," 
 cried he, " don't you know your old schoolfellow, 
 Hugh Strap?" At that instant, recollecting his face, 
 I flew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy,
 
 Meets with Strap 43 
 
 gave him back one half of the suds he had so lavishly 
 bestowed on my countenance ; so that we made a very 
 ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of 
 mirth for his master and shopmates, who were wit- 
 nesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses were 
 over, I sat down again to be shaved ; but the poor 
 fellow's nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected 
 meeting, that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, 
 with which, nevertheless, he found means to cut me in 
 three places, in as many strokes. His master, per- 
 ceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place, and 
 after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to 
 pass the rest of the day with me. We retired immedi- 
 ately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I 
 desired to be informed of his adventures, which con- 
 tained nothing more, than that his master dying before 
 his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a 
 year ago, in expectation of journey-work, along with 
 three young fellows of his acquaintance, who worked 
 in the keels ; that he had the good fortune of being 
 employed by a very civil master, with whom he in- 
 tended to stay till the spring, at which time he pro- 
 posed to go to London, where he did not doubt of 
 finding encouragement. When I communicated to 
 him my situation and design, he did not approve of 
 my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of 
 a winter voyage, which is very hazardous along that 
 coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind, which 
 might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small 
 detriment of my fortune. Whereas, if I would venture 
 by land, he would bear me company, carry my baggage 
 all the way, and, if we should be fatigued before we 
 could perform all the journey, it would be no hard 
 matter for us to find on the road either returning horses 
 or waggons, of which we might take the advantage 
 for a very trilling expense. I was SO ravished at this
 
 44 Roderick Random 
 
 proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and 
 assured him he might command my purse to the last 
 farthing : but he gave me to understand, he had saved 
 money sufficient to answer his own occasions ; and that 
 he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce 
 him into business in that capital, and might possibly 
 have it in his power to serve me also. 
 
 Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs 
 that night, we departed next morning by daybreak, 
 armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being 
 charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into 
 one knapsack), and our money sewed between the 
 lining and waistband of our breeches, except some loose 
 silver for our immediate expense on the road. We 
 travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of 
 the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance 
 from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up 
 our lodging at a small hedge ale-house, that stood on a 
 by-road, about half a mile from the highway. There 
 we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose com- 
 pany we regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a 
 glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing 
 all the while very sociably with the landlord and his 
 daughter, an hale buxom lass, who entertained us with 
 great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain 
 enough to believe I had made some progress. About 
 eight o'clock, we were all three, at our own desire, 
 shown into an apartment, furnished with two beds, in 
 one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and 
 the pedlar occupied the other, though not before he 
 had prayed a considerable time extempore, searched into 
 every corner of the room, and fastened the door on 
 the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried 
 about with him for that use. I slept very sound till 
 midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of 
 the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.
 
 Put up at an Ale-house 45 
 
 Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, 
 whom, to my no small amazement, I found drenched 
 in sweat, and quaking through every limb ; he told me, 
 with a low faltering voice, that we were undone ; for 
 there was a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols in 
 the next room ; then bidding me make as little noise as 
 possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board 
 partition, through which I could see a thick-set brawny 
 fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with 
 our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace 
 of pistols before him. I listened with great attention, 
 and heard him say in a terrible tone : " D — n that son 
 of a bitch, Smack, the coachman ; — he has served me 
 a fine trick, indeed! — but d — tion seize me, if I don't 
 make him repent it ! I'll teach the scoundrel to give in- 
 telligence to others, while he is under articles with me." 
 Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasper- 
 ated robber, by saying he might be mistaken in Smack, 
 who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other 
 gentleman that robbed his coach ; and that, if an 
 accident had disappointed him to-day, he might soon 
 find opportunity enough to atone for his lost trouble. 
 " I'll tell thee what, my dear Bett," replied he, "I 
 never had, nor ever will, while my name is Rifle, have 
 such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. — Zounds ! 
 there was four hundred pounds in cash to recruit men 
 for the king's service, besides the jewels, watches, 
 swords, and money belonging to the passengers ; — 
 had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so 
 much treasure, I would have purchased a commis- 
 sion in the army, and made you an officer's lady, 
 you jade, I would." "Well, well," cries Betty, " we 
 must trust to Providence for that ; — but did you find 
 nothing worth taking, which escaped the other gentle- 
 man of the road?" "Not much, faith," said the 
 lover ; " I gleaned a few things, such as a pair of pops,
 
 4 6 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 silver mounted, (here they are;) I took them loaded 
 from the captain who had the charge of the money, 
 together with a gold watch, which he had concealed 
 in his breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal pieces 
 in the shoes of a Quaker, whom the spirit moved to 
 revile me with great bitterness and devotion. But 
 what I value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a 
 gold snuff-box, my girl, with a picture on the inside of 
 the lid ; which I untied out of the tail of a pretty 
 lady's smock." Here, as the devil would have it, the 
 pedlar snored so loud, that the highwayman, snatching 
 his pistols, started up, crying : " Hell and d— tion ! 
 I am betrayed ; who's that in the next room ?" Mis. 
 Betty told him, he need not be uneasy ; there were 
 only three poor wearied travellers, who, missing the 
 road, had taken up their lodging in the house, and 
 were asleep long ago. "Travellers?" says he, "spies, 
 you b — ch ! but no matter — I'll send them all to hell 
 in an instant." He accordingly ran towards our door ; 
 when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there 
 was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who 
 were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause 
 of suspicion ; and the third was a Presbyterian pedlar 
 of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house 
 before. This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore 
 he was glad there was a pedlar, for he wanted some 
 linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the 
 glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses 
 and familiarities that spoke him very happy in his 
 amours. During that part of the conversation which 
 regarded us, Strap had crept under the bed, where he 
 lay in the agonies of fear ; so that it was with great 
 difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and 
 prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him 
 of what he had seen and heard. This itinerant mer- 
 chant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the
 
 A Night Adventure 47 
 
 shoulder, than he started up, calling as loud as he 
 could, " Thieves ! thieves ! Lord have mercy on us ! " 
 And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, 
 cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door, 
 to kill the first man who should enter ; for he verily 
 believed himself beset; when his Dulcinea, after an 
 immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded him, that the 
 poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in 
 his sleep. Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived 
 our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason for 
 disturbing him ; upon which, getting up softly, he 
 peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with 
 what he saw, that, falling down on his bare knees, he 
 put up a long petition to Heaven, to deliver him from 
 the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud 
 a customer for the future of the value of a pin's point, 
 provided he might be rescued from the present danger. 
 
 Whether or not his disburdening his conscience 
 afforded him any ease, I know not ; but he slipped 
 into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and 
 his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert ; then, 
 rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, 
 which making fast to one end of it, he opened the 
 window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his 
 goods into the yard with great dexterity ; then he 
 moved gently to our bedside, and bade us farewell, 
 telling us, that, as we ran no risk, we might take our 
 rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure 
 the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape ; anil 
 lastly, shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all 
 manner of success, he let himself drop from the window 
 without any danger, for the ground was not above a 
 yard from his feet as he hung on the outside. Al- 
 though I did not think proper to accompany him in his 
 llight, I was not at all free from apprehension, when 
 1 reflected on what might be the effect of the high-
 
 48 Roderick Random 
 
 wayman's disappointment, as he certainly intended to 
 make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my 
 companion at more ease in his mind ; but, on the 
 contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, 
 that he solicited me strongly to follow our country- 
 man's example, and so elude the fatal resentment of 
 that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak 
 his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar's 
 elopement. But I represented to him the danger of 
 giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, 
 and suggested, that, if ever he should meet us again 
 on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous 
 acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of 
 the way. I told him withal my confidence in Betty's 
 good nature, in which he acquiesced ; and, during the 
 remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper 
 method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the 
 morning. 
 
 It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our 
 chamber, and perceiving our window open, cried out : 
 " Ods bobs ! sure you Scotchmen must have hot con- 
 stitutions to lie all night with the window open, in such 
 cold weather." I feigned to start out of sleep, and 
 withdrawing the curtain, called, "What's the matter ?" 
 When she showed me, I affected surprise, and said, 
 " Bless me ! the window was shut when we went to 
 bed." "I'll be hanged," said she, "if Sawney 
 Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and 
 done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his sleep. 
 — Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed." With 
 these words she advanced to the bed in which he lay, 
 and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, "Good lack-a- 
 daisy ! the rogue is fled ! " " Fled ! " cried I, with 
 feigned amazement, "God forbid! — Sure he has not 
 robbed us." Then springing up, I laid hold of my 
 breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my
 
 A Night Adventure 49 
 
 hand ; which having reckoned, I said, " Heaven be 
 praised, our money is all safe : — Strap, look to the 
 knapsack." He did so, and found all was right. 
 Upon which we asked, with seeming concern, if he 
 had stole nothing belonging to the house ? "No, no," 
 replied she, "he has stole nothing but his reckoning" ; 
 which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to dis- 
 charge, in the midst of his devotion. Betty, after a 
 moment's pause, withdrew ; and immediately we could 
 hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's 
 flight, than he jumped out of bed, and dressed, venting 
 a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the 
 pedlar, if ever he should set eyes on him again : " For," 
 said he, " the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue 
 and cry against me." Having dressed himself in a 
 hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us 
 of his company, and a thousand fears that were the 
 consequence of it. While we were at breakfast, Betty 
 endeavoured, by all the cunning she was mistress of, to 
 learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, 
 whom we saw take horse ; but as we were on our 
 guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity 
 she could not distrust ; when, all of a sudden, we 
 heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. 
 
 This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination 
 was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with 
 a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, "O Lord! 
 there's the highwayman returned ! " Our landlady, 
 staring at these words, said, "What highwayman, 
 young man ? — Do you think any highwaymen harbour 
 here:" Though 1 was very much disconcerted at 
 this piece of indiscretion in Strap, 1 had presence of 
 mind enough to tell her, we had met a horseman the 
 (lav before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a 
 highwayman, because he rode with pistols; and that he 
 had been terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever 
 i.— 4
 
 <jo Roderick Random 
 
 since. She forced a smile at the ignorance and 
 timidity of my comrade ; but I could perceive (not 
 without great concern) that this account was not at all 
 satisfactory to her. 
 
 CHAPTER NINE 
 
 We proceed on our Journey — Are overtaken by an High- 
 wayman, who fires at Strap — Is prevented from shooting 
 me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride in pursuit of 
 him — Strap is put to Bed at an Inn — Adventures at that 
 Inn. 
 
 AFTER having paid our score, and taken leave 
 of our hostess, who embraced me tenderly at 
 parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing 
 ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not 
 walked above five miles, when we observed a man on 
 horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time 
 recognised to be no other than this formidable hero 
 who had already given us so much vexation. He 
 stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was ? 
 My astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I 
 did not hear his question, which he repeated with a 
 volley of oaths and threats ; but I remained as mute as 
 before. Strap seeing my discomposure, fell upon his 
 knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable voice 
 these words: "For Christ's sake, have mercy upon us, 
 Mr. Rifle, — we know you very well." "Oho!' : 
 cried the thief, "you do! — but you never shall be 
 evidence against me in this world, you dog ! " So 
 saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate 
 shaver, who fell flat upon the ground, without speaking 
 one word. My comrade's fate, and my own situation, 
 riveted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all 
 sense and reflection ; so that I did not make the least
 
 Overtaken by an Highwayman 5 1 
 
 attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath of 
 this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me ; but 
 before he had time to prime again, perceiving a com- 
 pany of horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me 
 standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was 
 found by those whose appearance had saved my life. 
 
 This company consisted of three men in livery, well 
 armed, with an officer, who, as I afterwards learned, 
 was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket- 
 pistols the day before ; and who, making known his 
 misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and 
 assuring him his non-resistance was altogether owing to 
 his consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured 
 the assistance of his lordship's servants to go in quest 
 of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up 
 to me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol 
 which he had heard. As I had not yet recovered my 
 reason, he, before I could answer, observed a body lying 
 on the ground : at which sight his colour changed, and 
 he pronounced with a faltering tongue, " Gentlemen, 
 here's murder committed ! Let us alight." " No, 
 no," said one of his followers, "let us rather pursue 
 the murderer. Which way went he, young man ? " 
 By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell 
 them, that he could not be a quarter of a mile before ; 
 and to beg of one of them to assist me in conveying the 
 corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to its 
 being interred. The captain, foreseeing, that, in case 
 he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began 
 to curb his horse, and give him the spur at the same 
 time, which treatment making the creature rear up anil 
 snort, he called out, his horse was frightened, and would 
 not proceed ; at the same time wheeling him round and 
 round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheeling him 
 with " Sirrah, sirrah, gently, gently, etc." — "Zounds ! " 
 cried one of the servants, "sure my lord's Sorrel is
 
 52 Roderick Random 
 
 not resty ! " — With these words, he bestowed a lash 
 on his buttocks, and Sorrel, disdaining the rein, sprung 
 forward with the captain at a pace that would have 
 soon brought him up with the robber, had not the 
 girth, happily for him, given way, by which means he 
 landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued 
 their pursuit, without minding his situation. Mean- 
 while, one of the three who remained at my desire, 
 turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound 
 which had killed him, found him still warm, and 
 breathing ; upon which I immediately let him blood, 
 and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover ; he 
 having received no other wound than what his fear had 
 inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked 
 together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, 
 where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed ; 
 and in a little time, the third servant returned with the 
 captain's horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after 
 as well as he could. This gentleman of the sword, upon 
 his arrival, complained grievously of the bruise occasioned 
 by his fall ; and, on the recommendation of the servant, 
 who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, 
 for which service he rewarded me with half a crown. 
 
 The time between this event and dinner, I passed 
 in observing a game at cards between two farmers, an 
 exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and 
 cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate 
 of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive, 
 that the match was not equal ; and that the two 
 farmers, who were partners, had to do with a couple 
 of sharpers, who stript them of all their cash in a very 
 short time. But what surprised me very much was, to 
 hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who 
 seemed to suspect foul play, in these words : " D — n 
 me, friend, d'ye question my honour?" — I did not at 
 all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a
 
 Adventures at an Inn 53 
 
 character frequent in my own country ; but I was 
 scandalised at the indecency of his behaviour, which 
 appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs 
 which he sung. At last, to make amends, in some 
 sort, for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, 
 he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and. 
 promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most 
 melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This 
 good humour of the parson inspired the company with 
 so much glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, 
 and all present went to dancing in the yard. While 
 we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, 
 spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopt all 
 of a sudden, crying out, " Gad so ! gentlemen, I beg 
 your pardon ; there's our dog of a doctor coming 
 into the inn." He immediately concealed his instru- 
 ment, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of 
 the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, inquiring very 
 cordially into the state of his health. This rosy son 
 of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, 
 having alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, 
 stalked with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, 
 sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale 
 and a pipe ; scarce deigning an answer to the submis- 
 sive questions of those who inquired about the welfare 
 of his family. While he indulged himself in this state, 
 amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him 
 with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleased 
 to honour us with his company at dinner ? To which 
 interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he 
 had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank 
 himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that 
 he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should 
 dine at home. Accordingly, when he had made an 
 end of his bottle and pipe, he rose and moved, with 
 prelatical dignity, to the door, where his journeyman
 
 54 Roderick Random 
 
 stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted, 
 than the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held 
 forth in this manner : " There the old rascal goes, and 
 the devil go with him. — You see how the world wags, 
 gentlemen. — By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not 
 deserve to live ; and yet he has two livings worth ^400 
 per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, 
 and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for 
 what ? why, truly, for £10 a year. I scorn to boast 
 of my own qualifications ; but — comparisons are odious. 
 I should be glad to know how this swag-bellied doctor 
 deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll in 
 his elbow-chair at home, indulge himself in the best of 
 victuals and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty, 
 his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen. 
 Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty 
 girl she is ; but no matter for that : — ay, and a dutiful 
 girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every 
 year, though I must own, I could never learn in what 
 county they live. — My service t'ye, gentlemen." 
 
 By this time dinner being ready, I waked my com- 
 panion, and we ate all together with great cheerfulness. 
 When our meal was ended, and every man's share of 
 the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence 
 of some necessary occasion, and mounting his horse, 
 left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best 
 manner they could. We were no sooner informed of 
 this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had been 
 silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin : 
 "Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shuffle : I could not 
 help smiling when he talked of treating. You must 
 know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up 
 some scraps of learning while he served young Lord 
 Trifle at the university. But what he most excels in 
 is pimping. No man knows his talents better than I ; 
 for I was valet de chambre to Squire Tatde, an
 
 Adventures at an Inn 55 
 
 intimate companion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself 
 into a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship's clothes, 
 on which account he was turned away ; but, as he was 
 acquainted with some particular circumstances of my 
 lord's conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too 
 much, and so made interest for his receiving orders, 
 and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which 
 he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too 
 much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable 
 livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance. You 
 hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting in 
 company. These qualifications make him agreeable 
 wherever he goes ; and, as for playing at cards, there 
 is not a man within three counties a match for him : 
 the truth is, he is a damnable cheat ; and can shift a 
 card with such address, that it is impossible to discover 
 him." Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, 
 who asked why he had not justice enough to acquaint 
 them with these particulars before they engaged in 
 play ? The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, 
 that it was none of his business to intermeddle between 
 man and man ; besides, he did not know they were 
 ignorant of Shuffle's character, which was notorious to 
 the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, 
 who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's 
 knavery, and insisted on having his share of the win- 
 nings returned ; this demand the exciseman as positively 
 refused, affirming, that whatsoever sleights Shuffle 
 might practise on other occasions, he was very certain 
 that he had played on the square with them, and would 
 answer it before any bench in Christendom ; so saying, 
 he got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked off'. 
 The landlord thrusting his neck into the passage, to 
 see if he was gone, shook his head, saying, "Ah! 
 Lord help us, if every sinner was to have his deserts. — 
 Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the exciseman.
 
 56 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 — But I know what : — if parson Shuffle and he were 
 weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale 
 would make the balance kick the beam. — -But, masters, 
 this is under the rose," continued Boniface, with a 
 whisper. 
 
 CHAPTER TEN 
 
 The Highwayman is taken — We are detained as Evidence 
 against him — Proceed to the next Village — He escapes 
   — -We arrive at another Inn, where we go to Bed — In 
 the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure — 
 Next Night we lodge at the House of a Schoolmaster — 
 Our Treatment there. 
 
 STRAP and I were about to depart on our journey, 
 when we perceived a crowd on the road coming 
 towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way. 
 As it approached, we could discern a man on horse- 
 back in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, 
 whom we soon knew to be Rifle. This highwayman, 
 not being so well mounted as the two servants who 
 went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after 
 having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without 
 any further opposition. They were carrying him in 
 triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people, 
 to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopt 
 at our inn to join their companion, and take refresh- 
 ment. When Rifle was dismounted, and placed in the 
 yard, within a circle of peasants armed with pitchforks, 
 I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he 
 now appeared, who had but a few hours before rilled 
 me with such terror and confusion. My companion 
 was so much encouraged by this alteration in his 
 appearance, that, going up to the thief, he presented 
 his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would
 
 The Highwayman escapes 57 
 
 either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, 
 which he immediately produced, and began to strip, 
 but was dissuaded from his adventure by me, who 
 represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as 
 Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would, 
 no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough. But what 
 made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our 
 being detained by the captors as evidence against him, 
 when we were just going to set forward. However, 
 there was no remedy ; we were obliged to comply ; 
 and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily 
 took the same road that we had proposed to follow. 
 
 About the twilight we arrived at the place of our 
 destination ; but, as the justice was gone to visit a 
 gentleman in the country, with whom, we understood, 
 he would probably stay all night, the robber was con- 
 fined in an empty garret three stories high, from which 
 it seemed impossible for him to escape. This, never- 
 theless, was the case ; for next morning, when they 
 went upstairs to bring him before the justice, the bird 
 was flown, having got out at the window upon the 
 roof, from whence he continued his route along the 
 tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another 
 garret window, where he skulked until the family were 
 asleep, at which time he ventured downstairs, and let 
 himself out by the street door, which was found open. 
 This event was a great disappointment to those that 
 apprehended him, who were flushed with hopes of the 
 reward ; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted 
 now to continue my journey without any further 
 molestation. Resolving to make up for the small 
 progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled 
 with great vigour, and before night reached a market- 
 town, twenty miles from the place from whence we set 
 out in the morning, without meeting any adventure 
 worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at
 
 58 Roderick Random 
 
 an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to 
 despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired 
 Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return- 
 horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart 
 for London next day. He was informed, that the 
 waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there 
 two nights ago ; and that it would be an easy matter 
 to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day 
 after the next. This piece of news gave us some 
 satisfaction ; and, after having made a hearty supper 
 on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which 
 contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the 
 other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were 
 told, was then drinking below. Though we could 
 have very well dispensed with his company, we were 
 glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not 
 another bed empty in the house ; and accordingly went to 
 rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. 
 About two or three o'clock in the morning, I was 
 waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful 
 noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me 
 into an agony of consternation, when I heard these 
 words pronounced with a terrible voice : " Blood and 
 wounds ! run the halbert into the guts of him that's 
 next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out pre- 
 sently." This dreadful salutation had no sooner 
 reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed, 
 he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned 
 him in an instant ; at the same time bawling out, 
 "Fire! murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment 
 alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with 
 a crowd of naked people. When lights were brought, 
 the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared ; 
 which was no other than our fellow-lodger, whom we 
 found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a 
 look testifying the utmost astonishment at the concourse
 
 A Scholarly Innkeeper 59 
 
 of apparitions that surrounded him. — This honest 
 gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, 
 having listed two country fellows overnight, dreamed 
 they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and 
 the drummer who was along with him. This made 
 such an impression on his imagination, that he got up 
 in his sleep, and expressed himself as above. 
 
 When our apprehension of danger vanished, the com- 
 pany beheld one another with great surprise and mirth ; 
 but what attracted the notice of every one, was our 
 landlady, with nothing on her but her shift, and a large 
 pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, 
 which she had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband, 
 with her petticoat about his shoulders. One had 
 wrapt himself in a blanket, another was covered with 
 a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only 
 shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with the 
 bolster rolled about his middle. When this affair 
 was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, 
 the sergeant slipt into bed, and my companion and I 
 slept without any further disturbance till morning, 
 when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckon- 
 ing, and set forward, in expectation of overtaking the 
 waggon ; in which hope, however, we were disappointed 
 for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than 
 usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when 
 we entered a small village in the twilight. We 
 inquired for a public-house, and were directed to one 
 of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance, the 
 landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with 
 long grey hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire 
 in a very neat paved kitchen, and, with a cheerful 
 countenance, accosted us in these words : " Sa/vete, 
 pucri, ingredimsni." 1 was not a little pleased to hear 
 our host speak Latin, because 1 was in hope of recom- 
 mending myself to him by my knowledge in that
 
 60 Roderick Random 
 
 language ; I therefore answered, without hesitation, — 
 " Dissolve frigus, ligna super foe o — large reponens." I 
 had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old 
 gentleman, running toward me, shook me by the hand, 
 crying, " Fill mi dilectissime ! unde items ? a superis, 
 ni Jailor!" In short, finding we were both read in 
 the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard 
 enough ; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked 
 damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle 
 of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace at the same 
 time, " Deprome quadrimum Sabina, Thaliarche, merum 
 diota." This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own 
 brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora 
 four years old for the use of himself and friends. In 
 the coarse of our conversation, which was interlarded 
 with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious 
 person was a schoolmaster, whose income being small, 
 he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the 
 entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift 
 to make the two ends of the year meet. " I am this 
 day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his Majesty's 
 dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My 
 daughter is to be married next week ; but the two 
 chief pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the 
 bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the 
 table). I am old, 'tis true, — what then? the more 
 reason I should enjoy the small share of life that 
 remains, as my friend Flaccus advises : " Tu ne 
 quasieris [scire nefas) quern mihi, quern tibi fnem di 
 dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." 
 
 As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we 
 made no scruple of acquainting him with our situation, 
 which when he had learned, he enriched us with 
 advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that he 
 was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the mean- 
 time, he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire
 
 
 ,/,-,■*///// VU tihi /<IH<//r/,/ 
 
 '''/
 
 An Unconscionable Bill 61 
 
 for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his 
 friends — permittens divis cetera. While our entertain- 
 ment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures 
 of his own life, which, as they contain nothing re- 
 markable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared 
 sumptuously, and drank several bottles of his quadrl- 
 mum, I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was 
 with some difficulty complied with, after he had in- 
 formed us, that we should overtake the waggon by 
 noon next day ; and that there was room enough in it 
 for half a dozen, for there were only four passengers 
 as yet in that convenience. Before my comrade and I 
 fell asleep, we had some conversation about the good 
 humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an 
 idea of his benevolence, that he positively believed we 
 should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment. 
 "Don't you observe," said he, "that he has con- 
 ceived a particular affection for us ; nay, even treated 
 us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, 
 we should not of ourselves have called for ? '' 
 
 I was partly of Strap's opinion ; but the experience 
 I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the 
 morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted 
 with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and 
 ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. "Biddy 
 will let you know, gentlemen," said he, "for I never 
 mind these matters. Money matters are beneath the 
 concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan. 
 Crescentem ser/u'iltir cura pecuniam." Meanwhile, Biddy 
 having consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told 
 us, our reckoning came to 8s. yd. " Eight shillings 
 and Bevenpence!" cried Strap; "'tis impossible — 
 you must be mistaken, young woman." " Reckon 
 again, child," says her father, very deliberately ; 
 "perhaps you have miscounted." "No, indeed, 
 father," she replied, " I know my business better."
 
 62 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 I could contain my indignation no longer, but said, it 
 was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the 
 particulars ; upon which the old man got up, mutter- 
 ing, " Ay, ay, let us see the particulars — that's but 
 reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote 
 the following items : — 
 
 
 s. 
 
 d. 
 
 To bread and beer 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 To a fowl and sausages 
 
 2 
 
 6 
 
 To four bottles quadrim. 
 
 2 
 
 o 
 
 To fire and tobacco 
 
 o 
 
 7 
 
 To lodging .... 
 
 2 
 
 o 
 
 To breakfast .... 
 
 I 
 
 o 
 
 
 8 
 
 7 
 
 As he had not the appearance of a common publican, 
 and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his de- 
 meanour the preceding night, it was not in my power 
 to upbraid him as he deserved ; therefore I contented 
 myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be 
 an extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was 
 but a young man, and did not know the world, or I 
 would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim 
 was to live " contentus parvo, and keep off importuna 
 pauperies." My fellow-traveller could not so easily 
 put up with this imposition ; but swore he should either 
 take one-third of the money, or go without. While 
 we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the 
 daughter go out, and conjecturing the occasion, im- 
 mediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no 
 sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout 
 fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their 
 morning draught ; but in reality to frighten us into 
 compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was 
 half distracted on account of this piece of expense, 
 went up to the schoolmaster, and grinning in his face, 
 pronounced with great emphasis, " Semper avarus
 
 The Journey continued 63 
 
 eget." To which the pedant replied, with a malicious 
 smile, " Atiimum rege, qui, nisi par et, imperat" 
 
 -$-<>•#- 
 
 CHAPTER ELEVEN 
 
 We descry the Waggon — Get into it — Arrive at an Inn — 
 Our Fellow-travellers described — A Mistake is com- 
 mitted by Strap, which produces strange things. 
 
 WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one 
 word ; my thoughts being engrossed by the 
 knavery of the world, to which I must be 
 daily exposed ; and the contemplation of my finances, 
 which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap, 
 who could hold no longer, addressed me thus : " Well, 
 fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice 
 had been taken, that old skinflint should have been 
 damn'd before he had got more than the third of 
 his demand. — 'Tis a sure sign you came easily by your 
 money, when you squander it away in this manner. 
 Ah, God help you, how many bristly beards must I 
 have mowed before I earned four shillings and three- 
 pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs ? 
 How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes 
 were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp' d, and my 
 nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over 
 the door? What the devil was you afraid of? I 
 would have engaged to box with any one of those 
 fellows that came in, for a guinea. I'm sure 1 have 
 beat stouter men than either of them." And indeed 
 my companion would have fought anybody, when his 
 life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to 
 firearms, and all instruments of death. In order to 
 appease him, I assured him, no part of this extraordinary
 
 6 4 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 expense should fall upon his shoulders ; at which 
 declaration he was affronted, and told me, he would 
 have me to know, that, although he was a poor barber's 
 boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best 
 squire of the land. Having walked all day at a great 
 pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descried, 
 towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the 
 waggon about a quarter of a mile before us ; and by 
 that time we reached it, were both of us so weary, 
 that I verily believe it would have been impracticable 
 for us to have walked one mile farther. We therefore 
 bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to 
 give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling ; at 
 which place we should meet the master of the 
 waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of 
 the journey. 
 
 Accordingly, the convenience stopped, and Joey 
 having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our 
 baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in, 
 a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words : 
 " God's fury ! there shall no passengers come here." 
 The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclama- 
 tion, which both he and I imagined proceeded from 
 the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great 
 velocity, and a countenance as white as paper. Joey 
 perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, 
 " Waunds, coptain, whay woan't you sooffer the poor 
 waggoneer to meake a penny ? Coom, coom, young 
 man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain — I'se 
 not afear'd of the coptain." This was not encourage- 
 ment sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed 
 upon to venture up again ; upon which I attempted, 
 though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the 
 same voice muttering like distant thunder, " Hell and 
 the devil confound me, if I don't make you smart for 
 this ! ' : However, I crept in, and by accident, got an
 
 In the Waggon 6$ 
 
 empty place in the straw, which I immediately took 
 possession of, without being able to discern the faces 
 of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following 
 with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the 
 other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched 
 directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed 
 out in a most dreadful manner, " Blood and thunder, 
 where's my sword ? " At these words, my frighted 
 comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against 
 me with such force, that I thought he was the sup- 
 posed son of Anak, who intended to press me to 
 death. In the meantime, a female voice cried, " Bless 
 me ? what is the matter, my dear ?" "The matter," 
 replied the captain, "d — n my blood! my guts are 
 squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman's hump." 
 Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him 
 pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened 
 upon the jolting of the waggon ; and the woman who 
 spoke before, went on : " Ay, ay, my dear, it is our 
 own fault ; we may thank ourselves for all the incon- 
 veniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled 
 so before. I'm sure, if my lady or Sir John was to 
 know where we are, they would not sleep this night 
 for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the 
 chariot : I know we shall never be forgiven." — " Come, 
 come, my dear," replied the captain, "it don't signify 
 fretting now — we shall laugh it over as a frolic — I 
 hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my 
 lord very merry with our adventures in the diligence." 
 
 This discourse gave me such a high notion of the 
 captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join 
 in the conversation. But immediately after, another 
 female voice began : " Some people give them- 
 Belves a great many needless airs — better folks than 
 any here have travelled in waggons before now. 
 Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with 
 '•— 5
 
 66 Roderick Random 
 
 three footmen behind them, without making so much 
 fuss about it. What then ? we are now all upon a 
 footing ; therefore let's be sociable and merry. What 
 do you say, Isaac ? Is not this a good motion, you 
 doting rogue ? Speak, you old cent, per cent, 
 fornicator. What desperate debts are you thinking 
 of? What mortgage are you planning ? Well, 
 Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till 
 you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a 
 gentleman. In the meantime, give me a kiss, you old 
 fumbler." These words, accompanied with a hearty 
 smack, enlivened the person to whom they were 
 addressed to such a degree, that he cried in a transport, 
 though with a faltering voice, "Ah! you wanton 
 baggage — upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, 
 he, he." This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, 
 which almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we 
 afterwards found, was the profession of this our fellow- 
 traveller). About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed 
 a comfortable nap, till such time as we arrived at the 
 inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from 
 the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the 
 passengers in order as they entered. The first who 
 appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, 
 with a silver-laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, 
 a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with silver, very much 
 tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came 
 limping an old man, with a worsted night-cap, buttoned 
 under his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched 
 over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, 
 under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a 
 threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as we afterwards 
 discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were 
 hollow, bleared, and gummy ; his face was shrivelled 
 into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of 
 teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peaked
 
 Fellow-travellers described 67 
 
 and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, 
 they approached one another like a pair of nut-crackers ; 
 he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane ; and 
 his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine, 
 and avarice. But how was I surprised, when I beheld 
 the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin 
 creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered 
 visage, very much resembling that of a baboon, through 
 the upper part of which two little grey eyes peeped : 
 he wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his 
 rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the 
 occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of 
 his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which 
 was very much of the size and cock of Pistol's. 
 
 Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help 
 admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war : he 
 was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen inches 
 of which went to his face and long scraggy neck ; his 
 thighs were about six inches in length, his legs re- 
 sembling spindles or drumsticks, two feet and a half, 
 and his body, which put me in mind of extension 
 without substance, engrossed the remainder ; so that, 
 on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper 
 erect, and was almost a vox et praterea nihil. His 
 dress consisted of a frock of what is called bear-skin, 
 the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an 
 hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches, reaching halfway 
 down his thighs, worsted stockings, rolled up almost 
 to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two 
 inches high : he carried a sword very near as long as 
 himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his 
 lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, ami 
 still retained some remains of an agreeable person ; but 
 so ridiculously affected, that, had 1 not been a novice 
 in the world, 1 might have easily perceived in her the 
 deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's
 
 68 Roderick Random 
 
 woman. We were all assembled in the kitchen, when 
 Captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a 
 room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told the 
 landlord they would sup by themselves. The inn- 
 keeper replied, that he could not afford them a room 
 by themselves ; and as for supping, he had prepared 
 victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without 
 respect of persons ; but if he could prevail on the rest 
 to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he 
 should be very well pleased. This was no sooner said, 
 than all of us declared against the proposal ; and Miss 
 Jenny, our other female passenger, observed, that, 
 if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup 
 by themselves, they might wait until we should 
 have done. At this hint, the captain put on a 
 martial frown, and looked very big, without speaking ; 
 while his yoke-fellow, with a disdainful toss of her 
 nose, muttered something about " Creature ! " which 
 Miss Jenny overhearing, stept up to her, saying, 
 " None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, 
 quotha — I'll assure you, no such creature as you, 
 neither — no ten pound sneaker — no quality coupler." 
 — Here the captain interposed, with a "D — me, 
 madam, what do you mean by that?" — "D — n you, 
 sir, who are you?" replied Miss Jenny, "who made 
 you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping 
 curler ? — 'Sdeath ! the army is come to a fine pass, 
 when such fellows as you get commissions— what, I 
 suppose you think I don't know you ? — Egad, you and 
 your helpmate are well met — a cast-off mistress and a 
 bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together." 
 " Blood and wounds ! " cried Weazel, "d'ye question 
 the honour of my wife, madam ! — Hell and d — tion ! 
 No man in England durst say so much. I would flea 
 him — carbonado him ! Fury and destruction ! I 
 would have his liver for my supper." So saying, he
 
 Mistake committed by Strap 69 
 
 drew his sword, and flourished with it, to the great 
 terror of Strap ; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, 
 told him, she did not value his resentment a louse. In 
 the midst of this quarrel, the master of the waggon 
 alighted, who understanding the cause of the disturb- 
 ance, and fearing the captain and his lady would take 
 umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at great pains to 
 have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, 
 and we sat down to supper all together. At bedtime 
 we were shown to our apartments : the old usurer, 
 Strap, and I, to one room ; the captain, his wife, and 
 Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my com- 
 panion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order 
 to go backward ; but, in his return, mistaking one door 
 for another, entered Weazel's chamber, and without 
 any hesitation, went to bed to his wife, who was fast 
 asleep ; the captain being at another end of the room, 
 groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own 
 chamber-pot, which was leaky : as he did not perceive 
 Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after 
 having found a convenience ; but no sooner did he feel 
 a rough head, covered with a cotton night-cap, than it 
 came into his mind, that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's 
 bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was 
 that of some gallant, with whom she had made an 
 assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scandalised 
 at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the 
 vessel Ik- had just before filled, and emptied it at once 
 on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking 
 at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which 
 not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but 
 htened poor Strap almost out of his senses ; for he 
 verily believed himself bewitched ; especially when the 
 incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley 
 of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presump- 
 tion to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap
 
 70 Roderick Random 
 
 was so amazed and confounded, that he could say 
 nothing, but, " I take God to witness, she's a virgin 
 for me." Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in 
 such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, 
 arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe, which 
 she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain's bald 
 pate, till he roared, " Murder." "I'll teach you to 
 empty your stink-pots on me," cried she, "you pitiful 
 hop-o'-my-thumb coxcomb. What! I warrant you're 
 jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I con- 
 descended to take you to my bed, you poor withered 
 sapless twig ? " The noise occasioned by this adventure 
 had brought the master of the waggon and me to the 
 door, where we overheard all that passed with great 
 satisfaction. In the meantime, we were alarmed with 
 the cry of " Rape ! murder ! rape ! " which Miss 
 Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. — " O ! you 
 vile abominable old villain," said she, "would you rob 
 me of my virtue ? But I'll be revenged of you, you 
 old goat ! I will — Help ! for heaven's sake ! help ! — 
 I shall be ravished — ruined ! help ! " Some servants 
 of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs 
 with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded, 
 when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one 
 corner stood the poor captain, shivering in his shirt, 
 which was all torn to rags, with a woeful visage, 
 scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time 
 wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on 
 the side of her bed. In the other end lay the old 
 usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel 
 jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs 
 exposed to the air ; while she held him fast by the two 
 ears, and loaded him with execrations. When we 
 asked what was the matter, she affected to weep ; told 
 us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in 
 her sleep ; and bade us take notice of what we saw, for
 
 Result of Strap's Mistake 7 1 
 
 she intended to make use of our evidence against him. 
 The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, 
 and begged to be released ; a favour which he had no 
 sooner obtained, than he protested she was no woman, 
 but a devil incarnate ; that she had first seduced his 
 flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. " Yes, cock- 
 atrice," continued he, " you know you laid this snare 
 for me, but you shan't succeed, for I will hang myself 
 before you shall get a farthing off me." So saying, he 
 crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We 
 then advanced to the captain, who told us, " Gentle- 
 men, here has been a d — ned mistake ; but I'll be 
 revenged on him who was the occasion of it. That 
 Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe 
 this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My 
 dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons ; you are sensible 
 I could mean no harm to you." — " I know not what 
 you meant," replied she, sighing, "but I know I have 
 got enough to send me to my grave." At length they 
 were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a 
 share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), 
 and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep 
 the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to 
 mine, where I found .Strap mortally afraid, he having 
 stole away in the dark, While the captain and his lady 
 were at loggerheads. 
 
 -9— c-
 
 72 Roderick Random 
 
 CHAPTER TWELVE 
 
 Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat 
 — An Affair between the Captain and me — The Usurer 
 is fain to give Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release — 
 We are in clanger of losing a Meal — The Behaviour of 
 Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that occasion — An Account 
 of Captain Weazel and his Lady — The Captain's Courage 
 tried— Isaac's Mirth at the Captain's Expense. 
 
 NEXT morning I agreed to give the master of the 
 waggon ten shillings for my passage to London, 
 provided Strap should be allowed to take my 
 place when I should be disposed to walk — at the same 
 time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, 
 who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in 
 his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacri- 
 fice the villain who attempted to violate his bed ; but 
 it was to no purpose for the master to explain the 
 mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence, 
 who stood trembling behind me all the while. The 
 more submission that appeared in Strap, the more 
 implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who 
 swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly 
 put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this 
 insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that 
 a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword 
 at his own weapon ; but I was persuaded he would 
 wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap 
 immediately gave assent, by saying, he would box with 
 him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of dis- 
 dain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character 
 to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a foot- 
 ing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. 
 "Odds bodikins ! ' ;i cries Joey, "sure, coptain, yaw 
 would not commit moorder ! Here's a poor lad that 
 is willing to make atoonement for his offence ; and an
 
 Captain Weazel challenges Strap 73 
 
 that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. 
 An yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will coodgel with 
 yaw, — woan't yaw, my lad ? " —Strap, after some 
 hesitation, answered, "Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with him." 
 But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, 
 I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the 
 wink, told the company that I had always heard it 
 said, the person who receives a challenge should have 
 the choice of the weapons ; this therefore being the rule 
 in point of honour, I would venture to promise, on the 
 head of my companion, that he would even fight 
 Captain Weazel at sharps, but it should be with such 
 sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, 
 razors. At my mentioning razors, I could perceive 
 the captain's colour change, while Strap, pulling me 
 by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness, " No, 
 no, no ; for the love of God, don't make any such 
 bargain." At length Weazel recovering himself, 
 returned towards me, and, with a ferocious countenance, 
 asked, "Who the devil are you ? will you fight me ? ' : 
 With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was 
 grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword 
 within half a foot of my breast ; and, springing to one 
 Bide, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney- 
 corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at 
 bay, who made a great many half-lounges, skipping 
 backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in 
 a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. 
 
 While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and, 
 seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, 
 uttered a dreadful scream : in this emergency, Weazel 
 demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; 
 and at last was contented with the submission of" Strap, 
 who, falling upon his knees before him, protested the 
 innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the 
 mistake he had committed. This affair being ended
 
 74 Roderick Random 
 
 without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed 
 two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the 
 usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, 
 that she had kept her awake all night with her groans ; 
 and that, when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny 
 was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on 
 her journey. At that instant, a message came from 
 her to the master of the waggon, who immediately 
 went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told 
 him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a mis- 
 carriage, owing to the fright she received last night 
 from the brutality of Isaac ; and, as the event was 
 uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to 
 answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this 
 ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither 
 he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's dis- 
 grace, and brought by force into her presence. He no 
 sooner appeared, than she began to weep and sigh most 
 piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her 
 blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac 
 turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that 
 God would deliver him from the machinations of that 
 Jezebel ; and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that 
 his being found in bed with her was the result of her 
 own invitation. The waggoner understanding the case, 
 advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of 
 money ; to which advice he replied, with great vehem- 
 ence, "A sum of money ! — a halter for the cockatrice ! " 
 — " Oh ! 'tis very well," said Miss Jenny : " I see it 
 is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair 
 means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and 
 tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see 
 him on an affair of consequence." At the name of 
 justice, Isaac trembled, and, bidding Joey stay, asked 
 with a quivering voice, what she would have ? She 
 told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked
 
 Jenny and the Usurer 75 
 
 purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. 
 And though the damage she might sustain in her health 
 might be irreparable, she would give him a release for 
 an hundred guineas. " An hundred guineas ! " cried 
 he, in an ecstasy, " an hundred furies ! Where should 
 a poor old wretch like me have an hundred guineas ? 
 If I had so much money, d'ye think I should be 
 found travelling in a waggon at this season of the 
 year?" "Come, come," replied Jenny, "none of 
 your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know 
 Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. 
 Ah ! you old rogue ! many a pawn have you had of 
 me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed." 
 Isaac finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered 
 twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely 
 refused under fifty pounds. At last, however, she was 
 brought down to five, which he paid, with great 
 reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. 
 After which accommodation the sick person made 
 shift to get into the waggon, and we set forwards in 
 great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with 
 Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. 
 
 This morning and forenoon we were entertained with 
 an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told 
 us he had once knocked down a soldier that made 
 game of him ; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who 
 found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at 
 another time ; and that he had moreover challenged a 
 cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his 
 rival ; — for the truth of which exploits he appealed 
 to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and 
 rved, "The last affair happened that very day on 
 which 1 received a love-letter from Squire Gobble; 
 and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously 
 sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my 
 Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being
 
 7 6 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well- 
 nigh fainted." " Yes, my dear," replied the captain, 
 " you know, my lord said to me, with a sneer, ' Billy, 
 Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.' And I answered 
 cavalierly, ' My lord, I wish I could return the com- 
 pliment.' Upon which the whole company broke out 
 into an immoderate fit of laughter ; and my lord, who 
 loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me." 
 
 We travelled in this manner five days, without 
 interruption, or meeting anything worth notice : Miss 
 Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits, entertaining us 
 every day with diverting songs, of which she could 
 sing a great number ; and rallying her old gallant, who, 
 notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. 
 On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to 
 dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three 
 gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be 
 carried to their apartment, although he had informed 
 them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the 
 waggon. To which information they had replied, 
 " The passengers in the waggon might be d — ned, — 
 their betters must be served before them — they sup- 
 posed it would be no hardship on such travellers to 
 dine upon bread and cheese for one day." This was 
 a terrible disappointment to us all ; and we laid our 
 heads together how to remedy it ; when Miss Jenny 
 observed, that Captain Weazel, being by profession a 
 soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us 
 from being insulted. But the captain excused himself, 
 saying, he would not for all the world be known to 
 have travelled in a waggon ; swearing at the same time, 
 that, could he appear with honour, they should eat his 
 sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declara- 
 tion, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and 
 ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened 
 to put the cook to death if he did not send the victuals
 
 In danger of losing a Meal 77 
 
 into our chamber immediately. The noise she made 
 brought the three strangers down, one of whom no 
 sooner perceived her, than he cried, " Ha ! Jenny 
 Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?" 
 " My dear Jack Rattle ! " replied she, running into 
 his arms, " is it you ? Then Weazel may go to hell 
 for a dinner — I shall dine with you." 
 
 They consented to this proposal with a great deal of 
 joy ; and we were on the point of being reduced to a 
 very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding the 
 whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in 
 his hand, and swore he would be the death of any 
 man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared 
 for the waggon. This menace had like to have pro- 
 duced fatal consequences ; the three strangers drawing 
 their swords, and being joined by their servants, and 
 we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey ; when the 
 landlord interposing, offered to part with his own 
 dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the 
 strangers ; and we sat down at table without any 
 further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk 
 along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having 
 entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon 
 found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured 
 fellow, and withal very arch. He informed me, that 
 Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town ; who 
 falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried 
 her down in the stage-coach from London to New- 
 castle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was 
 now in prison ; upon which she was fain to return to 
 her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told 
 me likewise, that one of the gentleman's servants whom 
 we left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, 
 immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some 
 particulars of his character. That he had served my 
 Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many
 
 •78 Roderick Random 
 
 years, while he lived separate from his lady : but, 
 upon their reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon 
 Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he 
 kept ; when his lordship, to get rid of them both with 
 a good grace, proposed that he should marry his 
 mistress, and he would procure a commission for 
 him in the army. This expedient was agreed to ; 
 and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensign in 
 
 's regiment. I found he and I had the same 
 
 sentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which we 
 resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers 
 with the cry of " A highwayman ! " as soon as an 
 horseman should appear. This scheme we put in 
 practice towards the dusk, when we descried a man on 
 horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner inti- 
 mated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid 
 we should all be robbed, than a general consternation 
 arose. Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid 
 himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejacu- 
 lations, and made a rustling among the straw, which 
 made us conjecture he had hid something under it. 
 Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands, uttered lamentable 
 cries ; and the captain, to our great amazement, began 
 to snore ; but this artifice did not succeed ; for Miss 
 Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, 
 " 'Sdeath ! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are 
 going to be robbed ? Get up, for shame, and behave 
 like a soldier and a man of honour." Weazel pre- 
 tended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and 
 swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen 
 in England surrounded him. " D — n my blood ! what 
 are you afraid of?" continued he, at the same time 
 trembling with such agitation, that the whole carriage 
 shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss 
 Ramper so much, that she cried, " D — n your pitiful 
 soul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was drummed
 
 The Captain's Courage tried 79 
 
 out of a regiment. — Stop the waggon, Joey — let me 
 get out, and by G — d, if I have rhetoric enough, the 
 thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also." 
 So saying, she leapt out with great agility. By this 
 time the horseman came up with us, and happened to 
 be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who 
 communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it 
 on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and 
 questioning those within. The stranger consenting for 
 the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible 
 tone, demanded, "Who have we got here?" Isaac 
 replied, with a lamentable voice, " Here's a poor 
 miserable sinner, who has got a small family to main- 
 tain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these 
 fifteen shillings, which if you rob me of, we must all 
 starve together." "Who's that sobbing in the other 
 corner.' 1 " said the supposed highwayman. "A poor 
 unfortunate woman," answered Mrs. Weazel, "upon 
 whom I beg you for Christ's sake to have compassion." 
 "Are you maid or wife?" said he. "Wife, to my 
 sorrow," cried she. " Who or where is your hus- 
 band?" continued he. "My husband," replied Mrs. 
 Weazel, " is an officer in the army, and was left sick 
 at the last inn where we dined." "You must be 
 mistaken, madam," said he, "for I myself saw him 
 get into the waggon this afternoon. — But pray what 
 smell is that ? Sure your lap-dog has befouled 
 himself; — let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll 
 teach him better manners." Here he laid hold of 
 one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him out from under 
 his wife's petticoats, where he had concealed himself. 
 The poor trembling captain, being detected in this 
 inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to 
 wake out of sleep, cried, "What's the matter? — 
 what's the matter?" "The matter is not much," 
 answered the horseman, " I only called in to inquire
 
 80 Roderick Random 
 
 after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain." 
 So saying, he clapt spurs to his horse, and was out 
 of sight in a moment. It was some time before 
 Weazel could recollect himself, but at length re- 
 assuming the big look, he said, "D — n the fellow! 
 why did he ride away, before I had time to ask him 
 how his lord and lady do ? — Don't you remember 
 Tom, my dear?" addressing himself to his wife. 
 "Yes," replied she, "I think I do remember some- 
 thing of the fellow — but you know I seldom converse 
 with people of his station." "Hey-day," cried Joey, 
 "do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?" "Know 
 him," said Weazel, "many a time has he filled a glass 
 of Burgundy for me at my Lord Trippet's table." 
 "And what may his neame be, coptain?" said Joey. 
 " His name ? — his name," replied Weazel, " is Tom 
 Rinser." "Waunds!" cried Joey, "a has changed 
 his own neame then ! for I'se lay a wager he was 
 christened John Trotter." This observation raised a 
 laugh against the captain, who seemed very much dis- 
 concerted ; when Isaac broke silence, and said, " It 
 was no matter who or what he was, since he has not 
 proved the robber we suspected. And we ought to 
 bless God for our narrow escape." " Bless God," 
 said Weazel, " bless the devil ! for what ? had he been 
 a highwayman, I should have eat his blood, body, and 
 guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this 
 diligence:' "Ha, ha, ha!" cried Miss Jenny, " I 
 believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain." 
 The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this 
 adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, 
 and took notice, that Captain Weazel seemed to be a 
 good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience 
 and resignation, instead of carnal weapons, and worked 
 out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece 
 of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's
 
 An Apparition 81 
 
 expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and threat- 
 ened to cut Isaac's throat. The usurer taking hold of 
 this menace, said, " Gentlemen and ladies, I take you 
 all to witness, that my life is in danger from this 
 bloody-minded officer. I'll have him bound over to 
 the peace." This second sneer procured another 
 laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen during 
 the remaining part our journey. 
 
 CHAPTER THIRTEEN 
 
 Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition — Strap's Con- 
 jecture — The Mystery explained by Joey- — We arrive 
 at London — Our Dress and Appearance described — 
 We are insulted in the Street — An Adventure in an 
 Ale-house — We are imposed upon by a waggish Foot- 
 man—Set to rights by a Tobacconist — -Take Lodgings 
 — Dive for a Dinner — An Accident at our Ordinary. 
 
 WE arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed ; 
 but Strap's distemper continuing, he was 
 obliged to rise in the middle of the night, 
 and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left 
 burning for the purpose, he went down to the house of 
 office, whence, in a short time, he returned in a great 
 hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look 
 betokening horror and astonishment ! Without speak- 
 ing a word, he set down the light, and jumped into bed 
 behind me, where he lay and trembled with great 
 violence. When I asked him what was the matter ? 
 he replied, with a broken accent, " God have mercy 
 on us! — I have seen the devil!" Though my pre- 
 judice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little 
 alarmed at this exclamation ; and much more so, when 
 1 heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, 
 I.— 6
 
 82 Roderick Random 
 
 and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering 
 these words, " Christ have mercy upon us ! — there he 
 comes ! " 
 
 At that instant, a monstrous overgrown raven 
 entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and 
 made directly towards our bed. As this creature is 
 reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the 
 devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily 
 believed we were haunted, and, in a violent fright, 
 shrunk under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition 
 leapt upon the bed, and, after giving us several severe 
 dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away 
 and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to 
 the protection of Heaven with great devotion ; and, 
 when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep 
 up and take breath. But we had not been long freed 
 from this phantom, when another appeared, that had 
 well-nigh deprived us both of our senses. We per- 
 ceived an old man enter the room, with a long white 
 beard that reached to his middle ; there was a certain 
 wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did 
 not savour of this world ; and his dress consisted of a 
 brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists, 
 with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his 
 head. I was so amazed, that I had not power to move 
 my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless, 
 and saw him come straight up to me. When he 
 reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a 
 voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature, 
 " Where is Ralph?" I made no reply ; upon which 
 he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, 
 "Where is Ralpho ?" He had no sooner pronounced 
 these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at 
 a distance ; which the apparition having listened to, 
 tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. 
 It was a good while before I could recover myself so
 
 Arrival in London 83 
 
 far as to speak ; and when at length I turned to Strap, 
 I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long. 
 When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what 
 had happened ; and he assured me, that the first must 
 certainly be the soul of some person damned, which 
 appeared by the chains about his legs, (for his fears had 
 magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and 
 the sound of small morrice-bells to the clanking of 
 massy chains.) As for the old man, he took it to be 
 the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, 
 which had power granted to it to torment the assassin 
 in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name 
 of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith 
 in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy 
 any sleep, and in all my future adventures never passed 
 a night so ill. In the morning, Strap imparted the 
 whole affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit of 
 laughter, explained the matter, by telling him the 
 old man was the landlord's father, who had been an 
 idiot some years, and diverted himself with a tame 
 raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his 
 apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it 
 to our chamber, where he had inquired after it, under 
 the name of Ralpho. 
 
 Nothing remarkable happened during the re- 
 maining part of our journey, which continued six 
 or seven days longer. At length, we entered the 
 great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the 
 waggon put up. Next morning, all the passengers 
 parted different ways ; while my companion and I 
 sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, 
 to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. 
 Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, 
 Strap took up our baggage and marched behind me in 
 the street, with the knapsack on his back, as usual, so 
 that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had
 
 84 Roderick Random 
 
 dressed myself to the greatest advantage — that is, put 
 on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread stockings. 
 My hair, which was of the deepest red, hung down 
 upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of 
 candles ; and the skirts of my coat reached to the 
 middle of my leg ; my waistcoat and breeches were of 
 the same piece, and cut in the same taste ; and my hat 
 very much resembled a barber's bason, in the shallow- 
 ness of the crown, and narrowness of the brim. Strap 
 was habited in a much less awkward manner ; but 
 a short crop-eared wig that very much resembled 
 Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his back, 
 added to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a 
 long chin, hook nose, and high cheek-bones, rendered 
 him on the whole a very fit subject of mirth and 
 pleasantry. 
 
 As we walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired 
 of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. dinger 
 lived ; and was answered by a stare, accompanied 
 with the word, "Anan!" Upon which I came 
 up in order to explain the question, but had the 
 misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman 
 damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, and whipping 
 his horses, with a " Gee ho ! " which nettled me to 
 the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far, 
 that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me 
 he would fight him for a farthing. While we were 
 deliberating upon what was to be done, an hackney 
 coachman driving softly along, and perceiving us 
 standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and 
 calling, "A coach, master! " by a dexterous manage- 
 ment of the reins, made his horses stumble in the 
 wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which 
 exploit, he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty 
 laugh, in which several people joined, to my great 
 mortification ; but one, more compassionate than the
 
 Quarrel in an Alehouse 85 
 
 rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an ale- 
 house and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, 
 which I immediately complied with ; and going into 
 the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and 
 sat down by a fire in the public room, where we cleaned 
 ourselves as well as we could. In the meantime, a 
 wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understand- 
 ing by our dialect that we were from Scotland, came 
 up to me, and, with a grave countenance, asked how 
 long I had been caught ? As I did not know the 
 meaning of this question, I made no answer ; and he 
 went on, saying, it could not be a great while, for my 
 tail was not yet cut ; at the same time, taking hold of 
 my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the 
 company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. 
 I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, 
 because I happened to be in a strange place, and per- 
 ceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny 
 fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a 
 match. However, Strap having either more courage, 
 or less caution, could not put up with the insults that 
 I suffered; but told him, in a peremptory tone, "He 
 was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his 
 betters." Then the wit, going towards him, asked 
 him what he had got in his knapsack ? " Is it oat- 
 meal, or brimstone, Sawney ? " said he, seizing him by 
 the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion 
 of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted 
 in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in 
 a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear, 
 as made him stagger to the other side of the room ; 
 and, in a moment, a ring was formed for the com- 
 batants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my 
 blood being heated with indignation, which banished 
 all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an 
 instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned
 
 86 Roderick Random 
 
 the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out 
 myself; upon which one or two cried out, "That's a 
 brave Scotch boy ; you shall have fair play, by G — d." 
 This assurance gave me fresh spirits, and going up 
 to my adversary, who, by his pale countenance, did not 
 seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard 
 on the stomach, that he reeled over the bench, and 
 fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep him 
 down, in order to improve my success, according to 
 the manner of my own country, but was restrained by 
 the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up 
 my opponent, but in vain ; for he protested he would 
 not fight, ior he was not quite recovered of a late 
 illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse, and 
 immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good 
 opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of 
 my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and 
 wished me joy of the victory. After having drunk 
 our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the 
 landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of 
 parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the 
 negative ; for we imagined, he must be altogether as 
 conspicuous here, as in the borough he represented ; 
 but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we 
 passed along. We betook ourselves, therefore, to the 
 street, where, seeing a footman standing at a door, we 
 made up to him, and asked if he knew where out- 
 patron lived ? This member of the party-coloured 
 fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he 
 knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn down 
 the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and 
 then to the left again, after which perambulation we 
 would observe a lane, through which we must pass, 
 and at the other end we should find an alley that leads 
 to another street, where we should see the sign of the 
 Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged.
 
 Find Lodgings 87 
 
 We thanked him for his information, and went for- 
 wards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to 
 be an honest friendly man, by his countenance, before 
 he opened his mouth ; in which opinion I acquiesced, 
 ascribing his good manners to the company he daily 
 saw in the house where he served. We followed his 
 directions punctually, in turning to the left and to the 
 right, and to the left again ; but, instead of seeing a 
 lane before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, 
 a circumstance that perplexed us not a little ; and my 
 fellow-traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had 
 certainly missed our way. By this time we were 
 pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing 
 how to proceed, I went into a small snuff shop hard 
 by, encouraged by the sign of the Highlander, where 
 I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the shop- 
 keeper was my countryman. He was no sooner 
 informed of our peregrination, and the directions we 
 had received from the footman, than he informed us, 
 we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. dinger 
 lived in the other end of the town ; and that it would 
 be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for 
 by that time he was gone to the House. I then 
 asked if he could recommend us to a lodging. He 
 readily gave us a line to one of his acquaintance, who 
 kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; 
 there we hired a bedroom, up two pair of stairs, at 
 the rate of 2s. per week, so very small, that, when the 
 bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every 
 other piece ot furniture that belonged to the apartment, 
 and use the bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner- 
 time, our landlord asked us how we proposed to live ? 
 to which interrogation we answered, that we would be 
 directed by him. "Well, then," says he, "there are 
 two ways of eating in this town, for people of your 
 condition — the one more creditable and expensive than
 
 88 Roderick Random 
 
 the other ; the first is, to dine at an eating-house, 
 frequented by well-dressed people only ; and the other 
 is called diving, practised by those who are either 
 obliged or inclined to live frugally." I gave him to 
 understand, that, provided the last was not infamous, 
 it would suit much better with our circumstances than 
 the other. "Infamous," cried he, "God forbid! 
 there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and 
 fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a 
 pretty gentleman, with a laced waistcoat, dine in that 
 manner very comfortably for threepence halfpenny, 
 and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made 
 a figure with the best lord in the land ; but your own 
 eyes shall bear witness — I will go along with you 
 to-day, and introduce you." He accordingly con- 
 ducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade 
 us observe him, and do as he did ; and, walking a few 
 paces, dived into a cellar, and disappeared in an instant. 
 
 I followed his example, and descending very success- 
 fully, found myself in the middle of a cook's shop, 
 almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and 
 surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, 
 chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place, 
 or on board wages, who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, 
 cowheel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with 
 cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood in 
 amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk 
 upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of 
 the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, 
 and overturned the cook, as she carried a porringer of 
 soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed the 
 whole mess against the legs of a drummer, belonging 
 to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, 
 and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and 
 danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations, 
 that made my hair stand on end. While he enter-
 
 Diving for a Dinner 89 
 
 tained the company in this manner, with an eloquence 
 peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and, after a hearty 
 curse on the poor author of this mischance, who lay 
 under the table, scratching his rump with a woeful 
 countenance, emptied a saltcellar in her hand, and 
 stripping down the patient's stocking, which brought 
 the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. 
 This poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, 
 who had begun to abate of his exclamation, broke 
 forth into such a hideous yell, as made the whole 
 company tremble ; then, seizing a pewter pint pot that 
 stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together, as if it 
 had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at 
 the same time with a most horrible grin. Guess- 
 ing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the 
 woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, 
 which she did, and procured him immediate ease. 
 But here another difficulty occurred, which was no 
 other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for 
 the pot he had rendered useless. He swore he would 
 pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her 
 be thankful for his moderation, or else he would 
 prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the 
 whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy 
 the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the 
 drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed 
 all animosities. After this accommodation, our land- 
 lord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin 
 of beef most deliciously ; our reckoning amounting 
 to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beer 
 included.
 
 9° 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 CHAPTER FOURTEEN 
 
 We visit Strap's Friend — A Description of him — His Advice 
 — We go to Mr. Cringer's House — Are denied Admit- 
 tance — An Accident befalls Strap — His Behaviour there- 
 upon — An extraordinary Adventure occurs, in the course 
 of which I lose all my Money. 
 
 IN the afternoon my companion proposed to call at 
 his friend's house, which, we were informed, was 
 in the neighbourhood ; whither we accordingly 
 went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. 
 This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three 
 or four years before, kept a school in town, where he 
 taught the Latin, French, and Italian languages ; but 
 what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the 
 English tongue, after a method more speedy and 
 uncommon than any practised heretofore ; and, indeed, 
 if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part 
 of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle ; 
 for, although I could easily understand every word of 
 what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, 
 three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible 
 to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He 
 was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, 
 though not above the age of forty ; his fiice frightfully 
 pitted with the smallpox, and his mouth extended 
 from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown 
 of plaid, fastened about his middle with a Serjeant's 
 old sash, and a tie periwig, with a fore-top three 
 inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the 
 Second's reign. After he had received Strap (who 
 was related to him) very courteously, he inquired of 
 him who I was, and, being informed, took me by the 
 hand, telling me he was at school with my father. 
 When he understood my situation, he assured me that
 
 Strap's Friend 91 
 
 he would do me all the service in his power, both by 
 his advice and otherwise ; and, while he spoke these 
 words, eyed me with great attention, walking round 
 me several times, and muttering, " O Ch — st ! O 
 Ch — st ! fat a saight is here ? " I soon guessed the 
 reason of his ejaculation, and said, " I suppose, sir, 
 you are not pleased with my dress ? ' : "Dress," 
 answered he ; " you may caal it fat you please in your 
 country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a masquerade here. 
 No Christian will admit such a figure into his hawse. 
 Upon my conscience ! I wonder the dogs did not 
 hunt you. Did you pass through St. James's market ? 
 God bless my eye-saight ! you look like a cousin- 
 german of Oman Outang." — I began to be a little 
 serious at this discourse, and asked him if he thought I 
 should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. 
 dinger, on whom I chiefly depended for an intro- 
 duction into business. " Mr. dinger, Mr. dinger," 
 replied he, scratching his cheek, " may be a very 
 honest gentleman — I know nothing to the contrary ; 
 but is your sole dependence upon him ? Who recom- 
 mended you to him?' ; I pulled out Mr. Crab's 
 letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes ; at 
 which he stared at me, and repeated, "Ch- — st ! ' : I 
 began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of 
 his, and begged he would assist me with his advice, 
 which he promised to give me frankly ; and, as a 
 specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the 
 neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated ; laying 
 strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. 
 Gringer till I had parted with these carroty locks, 
 which he said were sufficient to beget an antipathy against 
 me in all mankind. And, as we wen- going to pursue 
 this advice, he called me back, and bade me be sure to 
 deliver my letter into Mr. dinger's own hand. As 
 we walked along Strap triumphed greatly in our re-
 
 92 Roderick Random 
 
 ception with his friend, who, it seems, had assured 
 him he would, in a day or two, provide for him with 
 some good master; and "Now," says he, "you shall 
 see how I shall fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a 
 barber in London, and that's a bold word, can palm 
 a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair upon me." 
 And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so 
 long with the merchant that he was desired twenty 
 times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one 
 cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of a 
 good handsome bob, for which I paid ten shillings, 
 and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment 
 rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster 
 so much offence. 
 
 We got up next day betimes, having been informed 
 that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all 
 his dependants, he himself being obliged to attend the 
 levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day; because 
 his lordship made one at the minister's between eight 
 and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. dinger's 
 door, Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, 
 ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so 
 long that he alarmed the whole street ; and a window 
 opening in the second storey of the next house, a 
 chamber-pot was discharged upon him so successfully 
 that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, 
 being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury 
 deluge. In the meantime a footman opening the door, 
 and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked with a 
 stern countenance if it was I who made such a d — ned 
 noise, and what I wanted ? I told him I had business 
 with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which 
 he clapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn 
 better manners before I could have access to his master. 
 Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment 
 against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his
 
 Encounter with a Stranger 93 
 
 presumption ; but he, not in the least regarding what I 
 said, wrung the urine out of his periwig, and lifting up 
 a large stone, flung it with such force against the street 
 door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, 
 that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he 
 took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. 
 Indeed there was no time for deliberation ; I therefore 
 pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until 
 we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did 
 not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping about, 
 a very decent sort of a man passing by me, stopped of 
 a sudden, and took up something, which having ex- 
 amined, he turned and presented it to me with these 
 words : " Sir, you have dropped half a crown." I 
 was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, 
 and told him it did not belong to me ; but he bade me 
 recollect, and see if all my money was safe : upon 
 which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one 
 since I came to town), and reckoning my money in 
 my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven 
 shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. 
 
 "Well, then," says he, "so much the better — this is 
 a godsend ; and, as you two were present when I picked 
 it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me." I 
 was astonished at these words, and looked upon this 
 person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely re- 
 fused to take any part of the sum. " Come, gentle- 
 men," said he, " you are too modest — I see you arc- 
 strangers ; but you shall give me leave to treat you 
 with a whet this cold raw morning." I would have 
 declined this invitation, hut Strap whispered to me 
 that the gentleman would Ik- affronted, and I com- 
 plied. " Where shall we go ? " said the stranger, " 1 
 am quite ignorant of this part of the town." I in- 
 formed him that we were in tin- .same situation : upon 
 which he proposed to go into the first public-house we
 
 94 Roderick Random 
 
 should find open ; and, as we walked together, he 
 began in this manner : " I find by your tongues you 
 are from Scotland, gentlemen. My grandmother by 
 the father's side was of your country ; and I am so 
 prepossessed in its favour that I never meet a Scotch- 
 man but my heart warms. The Scots are a very brave 
 people. There is scarce a great family in the king- 
 dom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by 
 its ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your 
 Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We 
 have no such ancient families here in England. Then 
 you are all very well educated. I have known a 
 pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as well as if they 
 had been his mother tongue. And, for honesty, I 
 once had a servant, his name was Gregory Macgregor : 
 I would have trusted him with untold gold." — This 
 eulogium on my native country gained my affection so 
 strongly that I believe I could have gone to death to 
 serve the author ; and Strap's eyes swam in tears. 
 
 At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, 
 we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and 
 found a man sitting by the fire smoking a pipe, with a 
 pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked 
 us if ever we had drank egg-flip ? To which ques- 
 tion we answering in the negative, he assured us of a 
 regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for 
 pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this 
 composition very palatable, and drank heartily ; the 
 conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman, 
 turning upon the snares that young unexperienced 
 people are exposed to in this metropolis. He de- 
 scribed a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon 
 the ignorant and unwary ; and warned us of them with 
 so much good nature and concern, that we blessed 
 the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we 
 had put the can about for some time, our new friend
 
 A Hand at Whist 95 
 
 began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with 
 a sick person ; and proposed we should have recourse 
 to some diversion to keep him awake. "Suppose," 
 said he, " we should take a hand at whist for pastime. 
 But let me see, that won't do, there's only three of 
 us ; and I cannot play at any other game. The truth 
 is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or 
 at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling 
 asleep." Although I was not much inclined to 
 gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour or two at 
 cards with a friend ; and knowing that Strap under- 
 stood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of 
 saying, " I wish we could find a fourth hand." While 
 we were in this perplexity, the person whom we found 
 in the house at our entrance overhearing our discourse, 
 took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted 
 us thus : " Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see (shaking 
 the ashes into the fire), and rather than you should be 
 balked, I don't care if I take a hand with you for a 
 trifle ; but remember I won't play for anything of con- 
 sequence." We accepted this proffer with pleasure. 
 
 Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with 
 him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a 
 game. We were so successful, that, in a short time, 
 I was half a crown gainer ; when the gentleman 
 whom we had met in the street observing he had no 
 luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. 
 By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and 
 the expectation of improving it, as 1 perceived the 
 two strangers played hut indifferently. Therefore, 1 
 voted for giving him his n ; and, cutting again, 
 
 Strap and 1, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to 
 partners. My good fortune attended me still ; ami 
 in less than an hour we had got thirty shillings of 
 their money ; for, as they lost, they grew the keener, 
 and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstanl
 
 96 Roderick Random 
 
 goddess began to veer about ; and we were very soon 
 stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of 
 our own money. This loss mortified me extremely, 
 and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap's face, 
 which lengthened apace ; but our antagonists perceiving 
 our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, 
 and console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then 
 my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone ; 
 upon which the person who had joined us in the house 
 began to curse the cards, and muttered that we were 
 indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part 
 of our success being owing to our good play. This 
 insinuation nettled me so much, that I challenged him 
 to a game of piquet for a crown ; and he was with 
 difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This 
 contest ended in less than an hour, to my inexpressible 
 affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, 
 Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence. 
 
 The gentleman at whose request we had come in, 
 perceiving, by my disconsolate looks, the situation of 
 my heart, which well-nigh bursted with grief and re- 
 sentment, when the other stranger got up and went 
 away with my money, began in this manner : "I am 
 truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly 
 repair it, was it in my power. But what in the name 
 of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so 
 long ? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue 
 success as far as it will go, and to stop whenever for- 
 tune shifts about. You are a young man, and your 
 passions too impetuous ; you must learn to govern them 
 better. However, there is no experience like that 
 which is bought ; you will be the better for this the 
 longest day you have to live. As for the fellow who 
 has got your money, I don't half like him. Did not 
 you observe me tip you the wink to leave off in time ? " 
 I answered, "No." "No," continued he, "you
 
 Strap Moralises 97 
 
 was too eager to mind anything but the game. But 
 harkee," said he, in a whisper, "are you satisfied of 
 that young man's honesty ? his looks are a little sus- 
 picious ; but I may be mistaken ; he made a great 
 many grimaces while he stood behind you ; this is a 
 very wicked town." I told him I was very well 
 convinced of my comrade's integrity, and that the 
 grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his 
 anxiety at my loss. " Oho ! if that be the case, I 
 ask his pardon. Landlord, see what's to pay." — 
 The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which 
 having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by 
 the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to 
 see us again, departed. 
 
 CHAPTER FIFTEEN 
 
 Strap moralises — Presents his Purse to me — We inform our 
 Landlord of my Misfortune — He unravels the Mystery 
 — I present myself to Cringer — He recommends and 
 turns me over to Mr. Staytape — I become acquainted 
 with a Fellow-Dependant, who explains the Characters 
 of Cringer and Staytape — And informs me of the 
 Method to be pursued at the Navy Office and Surgeons' 
 Hall — Strap is employed. 
 
 IN our way to our lodging, after a profound .silence 
 on both sides, Strap, with a hideous groan, ob- 
 served, that we had brought our pigs to a tine 
 market. To this observation I made no reply ; and 
 he went on, " God send us well out of this place ; 
 we have not been in London eight-and-forty hours, 
 and I believe we have met with eight-and-forty 
 thousand misfortunes. — We have been jeered, re- 
 proached, buffeted, pissed upon, and at last Btripped 
 1.— 7
 
 o8 Roderick Random 
 
 of our money ; and I suppose by and by we shall be 
 stripped of our skins. — Indeed, as to the money part 
 of it, that was owing to our own folly ; Solomon says, 
 Bray a fool in a mortar, and he ivill never be ivise. 
 Ah ! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a 
 pound of gold." This was no time for him to tamper 
 with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and 
 inflamed with resentment against him for having refused 
 me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I there- 
 fore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and 
 asked, who he called fool ? Being altogether unac- 
 customed to such looks from me, he stood still, 
 and stared in my face for some time ; then, with 
 some confusion, uttered, " Fool ! I called nobody fool 
 but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the 
 two, for being so much concerned at other people's 
 misfortunes : but nemo omnibus horis sapit — that's all — 
 that's all." Upon which a silence ensued, that brought 
 us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the bed 
 in an agony of despair, resolved to perish rather than 
 apply to my companion, or any other body, for 
 relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose 
 heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause 
 came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into 
 my hand, burst into tears, crying, " I know what you 
 think ; but I scorn your thoughts. There's all I have 
 in the world; take it, and I'll perhaps get more 
 for you before that be done. If not, I'll beg for 
 you, steal for you, go through the wide world with 
 you, and starve with you ; for though I be a poor 
 cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so touched 
 with the generous passion of this poor creature, that 
 I could not refrain from weeping also ; and we 
 mingled our tears together for some time. Upon 
 examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas and 
 half a crown, which I would have returned to him,
 
 The Landlord's Advice 99 
 
 saying, he knew better than I how to manage it ; but 
 he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was 
 more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon 
 me who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled 
 by him. 
 
 After this friendly contest was over, and our minds 
 more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had 
 happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to 
 which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the 
 story, than he assured us we had been grievously im- 
 posed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates ; 
 and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, 
 who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a 
 rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to 
 decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own 
 haunts, where an accomplice or two were always wait- 
 ing to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. 
 Here the good man recounted a great many stories of 
 people who had been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat, 
 nay even murdered by such villains. I was contounded 
 at the artifice and wickedness of mankind ; and Strap, 
 lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that 
 God would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity ; 
 for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. 
 Our landlord being curious to know what reception we 
 had met with at Mr. dinger's, we acquainted him 
 with the particulars ; at which he shook his head, and 
 told us, we had not gone the right way to work ; that 
 there was nothing to be done with a member of parlia- 
 ment without a bribe ; that the servant was commonly 
 infected with the master's disease, and expected to be 
 paid for his work, as well as his betters. He there- 
 fore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next 
 time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I 
 should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. 
 Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened,
 
 ioo Roderick Random 
 
 I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I had 
 a letter for his master. I found the good effects of my 
 liberality ; for the fellow let me in immediately, and 
 taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in 
 a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I con- 
 tinued standing for three quarters of an hour, during 
 which time I saw a great many young fellows, whom I 
 formerly knew in Scotland, pass and repass, with an 
 air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience 
 chamber ; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, 
 and turn my back to them, that they might not per- 
 ceive the lowness of my condition. At length Mr. 
 Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, 
 who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a 
 very gay suit of clothes. At parting, Mr. Cringer 
 shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have 
 the pleasure of his company at dinner ; then turning 
 about towards me, asked what were my commands ? 
 When he understood I was the person who had brought 
 the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my 
 name, which, however, he pretended he could not do, 
 till he had consulted the letter again ; to save him that 
 trouble, I told him my name was Random. Upon 
 which he went on, " Ay, ay, Random, Random, 
 Random — I think I remember the name " ; and very 
 well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer 
 had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloakbag 
 in quality of a footman. "Well," says he, "you 
 propose to go on board a man of war, as surgeon's 
 mate." I replied by a low bow. " I believe it will 
 be a difficult matter," continued he, " to procure a 
 warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch 
 surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the 
 next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of 
 being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a 
 guard to protect them. However, some ships will
 
 Mr. Cringer's Levee 101 
 
 soon be put in commission, and then we shall see 
 what's to be done." So saying, he left me exceed- 
 ingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky 
 and I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean 
 member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an 
 opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed 
 to my family. 
 
 At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable 
 news of Strap's being employed, on the recommenda- 
 tion of his friend the schoolmaster, by a periwig- 
 maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five 
 shillings per week, besides bed and board. I con- 
 tinued to dance attendance every other morning at the 
 levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which 
 time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my 
 own country and profession, who also depended on the 
 member's interest ; but was treated with much more 
 respect than I, both by the servants and master, and 
 often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire, 
 for the convenience of the better sort of those who 
 waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to 
 penetrate, on account of my appearance, which was 
 not at all fashionable : but was obliged to stand blowing 
 my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first oppor- 
 tunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak with 
 him. One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a per- 
 son was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, 
 than, running towards him, he saluted him with a bow 
 to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the 
 hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him 
 his good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. 
 Staytape, and the young ladies ; then, after a whisper 
 which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard 
 the word honour repeated several times with great 
 emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentle- 
 man, as to a person whose advice and assistance I
 
 102 Roderick Random 
 
 might depend upon, and having given me his direction, 
 followed me to the door, where he told me I need not 
 give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, 
 for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that 
 instant my fellow-dependant coming out after me, 
 overheard the discourse of Mr. dinger, and making 
 up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly. This 
 address I looked upon as no small honour, considering 
 the figure he made ; for he was dressed in a blue frock 
 with a gold button, a green silk waistcoat trimmed 
 with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, 
 silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a Spencer wig, and a 
 silver-hilted hanger, with a line clouded cane in his hand. 
 "I perceive," says he, "you are but lately come 
 from Scotland ; pray what may your business with 
 Mr. C ringer be ? I suppose it is no secret — and 
 I may possibly give you some advice that may be 
 serviceable ; for I have been surgeon's second mate on 
 board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a 
 good deal of the world." I made no scruple to dis- 
 close my situation, which when he had learned, he 
 shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much 
 in the same circumstances about a year ago ; that he 
 had relied on Cringer's promises, until his money 
 (which was considerable), as well as his credit, was 
 quite exhausted ; and when he wrote to his relations 
 for a fresh supply, instead of money, he received nothing 
 but reproaches, and the epithets of " idle," " debauched 
 fellow" : that, after he had waited at the Navy Office 
 many months for a warrant, to no purpose, he was fain 
 to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum, 
 wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured 
 a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the 
 same day, that there was not one vacancy : that he had 
 gone on board, where he remained nine months ; at the 
 end of which the ship was put out of commission ; and
 
 A New Acquaintance 103 
 
 he said the company were to be paid off in Broad 
 Street the very next day : that his relations, being 
 reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs 
 regularly to Mr. dinger, who had informed them by 
 letter that his interest alone had procured the warrant ; 
 in obedience to which command, he came to his levee 
 every morning as I saw, though he looked upon him to 
 be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked 
 me if I had yet passed at Surgeons' Hall ? To which 
 question I answered, I did not so much as know it 
 was necessary. " Necessary !" cried he, "O Lord, 
 
 Lord ! I find I must instruct you— come along 
 with me, and I'll give you some information about that 
 matter." So saying, he carried me into an alehouse, 
 where he called for some beer, and bread and cheese, 
 on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, 
 he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and 
 write to the board, desiring them to order a letter for 
 me to the Surgeons' Hall, that I might be examined 
 touching my skill in surgery : that the surgeons, after 
 having examined me, would give me my qualification 
 sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commis- 
 sioners, which qualification I must deliver to the 
 secretary of the board, who would open it in my 
 presence, and read the contents. After which I must 
 employ my interest to be provided for as soon as 
 possible. That the expense of this qualification, for 
 second mate of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen 
 shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half 
 a guinea and half a crown, besides the present to the 
 secretary, which consisted of a three-pound-twelve piece. 
 
 This calculation was like a thunderbolt to me, 
 whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. 
 
 1 accordingly made- him acquainted with this part of 
 my distress, after having thanked him for his informa- 
 tion and advice. He condoled me on this occasion ;
 
 104 Roderick Random 
 
 but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a 
 friendship for me, and would make all things easy. 
 He was run out at present, but to-morrow or next day 
 he was certain of receiving a considerable sum, of which 
 he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer 
 my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so 
 much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before 
 him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket 
 expense, until he should receive his own money. 
 With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed upon to 
 take five shillings, telling me that he might have what 
 money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going 
 into the city ; but as he had met with me, he would 
 defer his going thither till to-morrow, when I should 
 go along with him, and he would put me in a way of 
 acting for myself, without any servile dependence on 
 that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy tailor to 
 whom I heard him turn you over. "How," cried I ; 
 " is Mr. Staytape a tailor ? " " No less, I'll assure 
 you," answered he; "and, I confess, more likely to 
 serve you than the member ; for, provided you can 
 entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may 
 have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes 
 as you please. I told him, I was utterly ignorant of 
 both, and so incensed at dinger's usage, that I would 
 never set foot within his door again. After a good 
 deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I 
 parted, having made an appointment to meet the next 
 day at the same place, in order to set out for the city. 
 I went immediately to Strap, and related everything 
 which had happened ; but he did not at all approve of 
 my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, 
 especially as we had already been so much imposed 
 upon by appearances. "However," said he, "if 
 you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are 
 safe."
 
 The Navy Office 105 
 
 CHAPTER SIXTEEN 
 
 My new Acquaintance breaks an Appointment — I proceed 
 by myself to the Navy Office — Address myself to a 
 Person there, who assists me with his Advice — Write 
 to the Board — They grant me a Letter to the Surgeons 
 at the Hall — Am informed of the Beau's Name and 
 Character — Find him — He makes me his Confident in 
 an amour — Desires me to pawn my Linen, for his 
 Occasions — I recover what I lent him — Some curious 
 Observations of Strap on that Occasion — His Vanity. 
 
 IN the morning I rose and went to the place of* 
 rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain ; 
 and was so exasperated against him for breaking 
 his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, 
 in hopes of finding the villain, and being revenged on 
 him for his breach of promise. At length I found 
 myself at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw 
 crowds of young fellows walking below, many of 
 whom made no better appearance than myself. I 
 consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made 
 up to one whose countenance I liked ; and asked if he 
 could instruct me in the form of the letter which was 
 to be sent to the board, to obtain an order for examina- 
 tion. He answered me in broad Scotch, that he 
 would show me the copy of what he had writ for 
 himself, by the direction of another who knew the 
 form ; and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for 
 my perusal ; and told me that, if I was expeditious, 
 I might send it in to the board before dinner, for they 
 did no business in the afternoon. He then went with 
 me to a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, 
 which was immediately delivered to the messenger ; 
 who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about 
 the same time. Having transacted this piece of busi- 
 ness, my mind was a good deal composed ; and as I
 
 106 Roderick Random 
 
 met with so much civility from this stranger, I desired 
 further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, how- 
 ever, not to be deceived by him so much to my pre- 
 judice as I had been by the beau. He agreed to dine 
 with me at the cook's shop which I frequented; and 
 on our way thither, carried me to 'Change, where I was 
 in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the 
 name of the person who had broke his appointment). 
 
 I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way 
 towards the other end of the town, imparted to my 
 companion his behaviour towards me. Upon which, 
 he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to 
 the name of Beau Jackson (so he was called at the 
 Navy Office), although he did not know him per- 
 sonally ; that he had the character of a good-natured 
 careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing 
 from anybody that would lend ; that most people 
 who knew him believed he had a good principle at 
 bottom ; but his extravagance was such, he would 
 probably never have it in his power to manifest the 
 honesty of his intention. This account made me sweat 
 for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not 
 altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find 
 out the debtor. This young man likewise added 
 another circumstance of Squire Jackson's history, which 
 was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself 
 for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been 
 recommended to a person who lent him a little money, 
 after he had signed a will and power, entitling that 
 person to lift his wages when they should become due, 
 as also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That 
 he was still under the tutorage and direction of that 
 gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to 
 time upon his security at the rate of 50 per cent. But 
 at present his credit was very low, because his funds 
 would do little more than pay what he had already
 
 Diminishing Funds 107 
 
 received, this moderate interest included. After the 
 stranger (whose name was Thomson) had entertained 
 me with this account of Jackson, he informed me that 
 he himself had passed for third mate of a third-rate, 
 about four months ago ; since which time, he had 
 constantly attended at the Navy Office in hope of a 
 warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both 
 by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to 
 whom the member recommended him, that he should 
 be put into the first vacancy ; notwithstanding which 
 promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven 
 appointed to the same station almost every week : that 
 now, being utterly impoverished, his sole hope con- 
 sisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town, 
 to lend him a small matter, for a present to the 
 secretary, without which he was persuaded he might 
 wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a 
 mighty liking for this young fellow, which, I believe, 
 proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We 
 spent the whole day together ; and, as he lived at 
 Wapping, I desired him to take a share of my bed. 
 
 Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, 
 after being called before the board, and questioned about 
 the place of my nativity and education, they ordered a 
 letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half 
 a crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the 
 hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall, together with a 
 shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By 
 this time my whole stock was diminished to two 
 shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, 
 even tor present subsistence, much less to enable me to 
 pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my examination, 
 which would come on in a fortnight. In this state of 
 perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured 1111% he 
 would pawn everything he had in the world, even to 
 his razors, before 1 should want. But this expedient
 
 108 Roderick Random 
 
 I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand 
 times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some 
 thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the 
 word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged, on 
 his knees, I would think no more of that scheme. 
 " God preserve us all in our right wits ! " cried he, 
 "would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad 
 against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be 
 shot at like a woodcock ? — Heaven keep cold lead out 
 of my carcass ! and let me die in a bed like a Christian, 
 as all my forefathers have done. What signifies all 
 the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not 
 content ? And, in the next, there is no respect of 
 persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good 
 conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my 
 deathbed, than be cut off (God bless us) by a musket 
 shot, as it were in the very flower of one's age, in the 
 pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my 
 dear friend ? do not they make unto themselves wings ? 
 as the wise man saith ; and does not Horace observe, 
 Non doraus et fundus, non oris acervus et aur'i, JEgroto 
 dominl deduxit corpore febres, Non ammo curas ? I could 
 moreover mention many other sayings in contempt of 
 riches, both from the Bible and other good books ; 
 but, as I know you are not very fond of those things, 
 I shall only assure you that, if you take on to be a 
 soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should 
 both be slain, you will not only have your own blood 
 to answer for, but mine also ; and peradventure the 
 lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle. There- 
 fore, I pray you, consider whether you will sit down 
 contented with small things, and share the fruits of my 
 industry in peace, till Providence shall send better 
 tidings ; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls and 
 bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his 
 infinite mercy forbid." I could not help smiling at
 
 Beau Jackson 109 
 
 this harangue, which was delivered with great earnest- 
 ness, the tears standing in his eyes all the time ; and 
 promised to do nothing of that sort without his consent 
 and concurrence. He was much comforted with this 
 declaration ; and told me in a few days he should receive 
 a week's wages, which should be at my service ; but 
 advised me, in the meantime, to go in quest of Jackson, 
 and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me. 
 
 I accordingly trudged about from one end of the 
 town to the other for several days, without being 
 able to learn anything certain concerning him ; and, 
 one day, being extremely hungry, and allured by the 
 steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I 
 went down with an intention to gratify my appetite 
 with twopenny worth of beef; when, to my no small 
 surprise, I found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a 
 footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up 
 and shook me by the hand, saying, he was glad to see 
 me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in 
 the afternoon. I was so well pleased with this 
 rencontre, and the apologies he made for not keeping 
 his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat 
 down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only 
 recovering my own money before we should part, but 
 also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me 
 wherewithal to pass examination ; and this hope my 
 sanguine complexion suggested, though the account 
 Thomson gave me of him ought to have moderated my 
 expectation. When we had feasted sumptuously, he- 
 took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me 
 to an alehouse hard by, where, after shaking me by the 
 hand again, he began thus : " 1 suppose you think me 
 a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appear- 
 ances are against me. But I daresay you will forgive 
 me, when I tell you, my not coming at the time 
 appointed was owing to a peremptory message I re-
 
 iio Roderick Random 
 
 ceived from a certain lady, whom, harkee, (but this is 
 a great secret,) I am to marry very soon. You think 
 this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all that 
 — a five thousand pounder, I'll assure you, besides 
 expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I 
 know what any woman can see engaging about me — 
 but a whim, you know ; and then one would not balk 
 one's good fortune. You saw that footman who dined 
 with us — he's one of the honestest fellows that ever 
 wore a livery. You must know, it was by his means I 
 was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted 
 with her woman, who is his mistress ; ay, many a 
 crown has he and his sweetheart had of my money ; 
 but what of that ? things are now brought to a bearing. 
 I have — come a little this way — I have proposed 
 marriage, and the day is fixed ; she's a charming 
 creature; writes like an angel. O Lord! she can 
 repeat all the English tragedies as well as e'er a player 
 in Drury Lane ! and indeed is so fond of plays, that, 
 to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court 
 hard by the theatre. But you shall see — you shall see 
 — here's the last letter she sent me." — With these 
 words, he put into my hand, and I read, to the best of 
 my remembrance, as follows : — 
 
 " Dekr Kreeter, — As you are the animable hopjack of 
 my contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming 
 before my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies 
 to the heys of slipping mortals ; and when Febus shines 
 from his merrydying throne. Whereupon, I shall canseeif 
 old whorie time has lost his pinners, as also Cupid his 
 harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose in the loafseek 
 harms of thy faithfool to commend, Clayrender." 
 
 " Wingar-yeard, Droory-iane, 
 January 12th." 
 
 While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, 
 rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter ; 
 at last he caught hold of my hand, and, squeezing it,
 
 Jackson's Amour 1 1 1 
 
 cried, " There is style for you ! what do you think of 
 this billet-doux ? ' : I answered, " It might be sublime 
 for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my com- 
 prehension." — " Oho ! " said he, " I believe it is both 
 tender and sublime — she's a divine creature ! — and so 
 doats upon me ! Let me see, what shall I do with 
 this money, when I have once got it into my hands ? 
 In the first place, I shall do for you — I'm a man of 
 few words ; but, say no more, that's determined — 
 whether would you advise me to purchase some post, 
 by which I may rise in the state ; or lay out my wife's 
 fortune in land, and retire to the country at once ? " — I 
 gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not 
 do better than buy an estate and improve ; especially 
 since he had already seen so much of the world. Then 
 I launched out into the praises of a country life, as 
 described by the poets whose works I had read. He 
 seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that, 
 although he had seen a great deal of the world, both 
 by land and sea, having cruised three whole months in 
 the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had 
 visited France, which he proposed to do before he 
 should settle ; and to carry his wife along with him. 
 
 I had nothing to object to his proposal ; and asked 
 how soon he hoped to be happy? "As to that," he 
 replied, " nothing obstructs my happiness, but the want 
 of a little ready cash ; for you must know, my friend 
 in the city has gone out of town for a week or two ; 
 and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by 
 being detained too long by the dear charmer ; but there 
 will be a recall at Chatham next week, whither the 
 ship's books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend 
 in that place to receive the money." "If that be 
 all," said I, " there's no great harm in deferring your 
 marriage a few days." — "Yes, faith! but there is," 
 said he; " you don't know how many rivals I have, who
 
 1 1 2 Roderick Random 
 
 would take all advantages against me. I would not 
 balk the impatience of her passion for the world ; the 
 least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin 
 all : and such offers don't occur every day." I ac- 
 quiesced in this observation, and inquired how he 
 intended to proceed : at this question, he rubbed his 
 chin, and said, " Why, truly, I must be obliged to 
 some friend or other — do you know of nobody that 
 would lend me a small sum for a day or two ? " — I 
 assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, 
 that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my 
 life depended upon it. " No ! " said he, " that's hard 
 — that's hard. I wish I had anything to pawn ; upon 
 my soul you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve 
 of my shirt) ; how many shirts of that kind have you 
 got ? " — I answered, " Six ruffled and six plain " ; — 
 at which he testified great surprise, and swore that no 
 gentleman ought to have more than four. " How many 
 d'ye think I have got ? " continued he. " But this and 
 another, as I hope to be saved ! I daresay we shall be 
 able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity — let me 
 see — let me see — each of these shirts is worth sixteen 
 shillings at a moderate computation ; now suppose we 
 pawn them for half price, eight times eight is sixty- 
 four, that's three pounds four ; zounds ! that will do ; 
 give me your hand." — " Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson," 
 said I, " don't dispose of my linen without my consent ; 
 first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall 
 talk of other matters." He protested he had not 
 above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay 
 me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts. 
 
 This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I 
 swore I would not part with him until I had received 
 satisfaction for what I had lent him ; and, as for the 
 shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from 
 the gallows. At this expression, he laughed aloud,
 
 The Three Blue Balls 1 13 
 
 and then complained it was d — n'd hard, that I should 
 refuse him a trine that would infallibly enable him not 
 only to make his own fortune, but mine also. " You 
 talk of pawning my shirts," said I, " suppose you 
 should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson ? I believe it 
 would fetch a good round sum." — " No, hang it," said 
 he, " I can't appear decently without my hanger, or 
 egad it should go." However, seeing me inflexible 
 with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his 
 hanger, and, showing me the sign of the three blue 
 balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two 
 guineas. This office I would by no means have per- 
 formed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money 
 otherwise ; but not willing, out of a piece of false 
 delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should 
 perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker's shop, 
 where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the 
 name of Thomas Williams. " Two guineas ! " said 
 the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger ; " this piece of 
 goods has been here several times before for thirty 
 shillings ; however, since I believe the gentleman to 
 whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he 
 wants"; and accordingly, he paid me the money, 
 which 1 carried to the house where I had left Jackson, 
 and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and 
 thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. 
 
 After looking at the money some time, he said, 
 " D — n it ! it don't signify — this won't do my business ; 
 so you may as well take half a guinea, or a whole one, 
 as the five shillings you have kept." I thanked him 
 kindly ; but I refused to accept of any more than was my 
 due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon 
 which declaration, he stared in my face, and told 
 me, I was excessively raw, or I would not talk in 
 that manner. " Blood," cried he, " I have a very 
 bad opinion of a youn^ fellow who won't borrow of 
 1.— 8
 
 1 1 4 Roderick Random 
 
 his friend when he is in want ; 'tis the sign of a 
 sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back 
 the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if 
 ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will ; if 
 not, d — n me if ever I ask it." When I reflected on 
 my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded ; 
 and, after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, 
 who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my 
 lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman 
 than I had in the morning ; and at night imparted my 
 day's adventures to Strap, who rejoiced at the good 
 luck, saying, " I told you, if he was a Scotchman, you 
 was safe enough ; and who knows but this marriage 
 may make us all ? You have heard, I suppose, as 
 how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, 
 ran away with a great lady of this town, and now 
 keeps his coach. Ecod ! I say nothing ; but yester- 
 day morning, as I was a shaving a gentleman at his 
 own house, there was a young lady in the room 
 — a fine buxom wench, i'faith ! and she threw so 
 many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall 
 not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, 
 like a fulling mill, and my hand sh — sh — shook so 
 much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman's 
 nose. Whereby he swore a deadly oath, and was 
 going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and 
 made my peace. Omen baud malum ! Is not a 
 journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker ? 
 The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the 
 belly, and the barber uses it for the head. And as 
 the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is 
 a barber more noble than a baker ; for what's the 
 belly without the head ? Besides, I am told he could 
 neither read nor write ; now you know I can do both, 
 and, moreover, speak Latin. But I will say no more, 
 for I despise vanity ; nothing is more vain than vanity."
 
 Surgeons' Hall 1 15 
 
 With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax 
 candle's end, which he applied to his forehead ; and, 
 upon examination, I found he had combed his own 
 hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in 
 his whole dress become a very smart shaver. I con- 
 gratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, 
 which he understood very well ; and, shaking his head, 
 observed I had very little faith, but the truth would 
 come to light in spite of my incredulity. 
 
 CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 
 
 I go to Surgeons' Hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson — Am 
 examined — A fierce Dispute arises between two of the 
 Examiners — Jackson disguises himself to attract Re- 
 spect — Is detected — In hazard of being sent to Bridewell 
 — He treats us at a Tavern — Carries us to a Night House 
 — A troublesome Adventure there -We are committed 
 to the Round House — Carried before a Justice — His 
 Behaviour. 
 
 WITH the assistance of this faithful adherent, who 
 gave me, almost all the money he earned, I 
 preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of 
 examination, when I went with a quaking heart to 
 Surgeons' Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. 
 Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the 
 outward hall, I perceived Mr. .hickson, to whom 1 
 immediately went up, and inquiring into the state of 
 his amour, understood it was still undetermined by 
 on of his friend's absence, and the delay of the 
 recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to 
 bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his busi- 
 wae in this place ? he replied, he was resolved to 
 have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed
 
 1 1 6 Roderick Random 
 
 he might use the other ; and, with this view, he was to 
 pass that night for a higher qualification. At that 
 instant a young fellow came out from the place of 
 examination with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, 
 and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He 
 no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him 
 with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he 
 had met with ; which, after some pause, he described, 
 recounting all the questions they had asked, with the 
 answers he made. In this manner, we obliged no less 
 than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was 
 past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot : 
 at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that 
 made me tremble as much as if it had been the sound 
 of the last trumpet : however, there was no remedy : I 
 was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a 
 dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table ; one of 
 whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious 
 tone that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of 
 my senses. The first question he put to me was, 
 " Where was you born ? ' : To which I answered, 
 "In Scotland."- — "In Scotland," said he; "I know 
 that very well ; we have scarce any other countrymen 
 to examine here ; you Scotchmen have overspread us 
 of late as the locusts did Egypt : I ask you in what 
 part of Scotland was you born ? " I named the place 
 of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: 
 he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the 
 town where I served my time, with the term of my 
 apprenticeship ; and when I informed him that I 
 served three years only, he fell into a violent passion ; 
 swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw 
 boys into the world as surgeons ; that it was a great 
 presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, 
 to pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having 
 served so short a time, when every apprentice in
 
 A Board of Examiners 1 1 7 
 
 England was bound seven years at least ; that my 
 friends would have done better if they had made me 
 a weaver or shoemaker, but their pride would have 
 me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their 
 poverty could not afford the necessary education. 
 
 This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery 
 of my spirits, but, on the contrary, reduced me to such a 
 situation that I was scarce able to stand ; which being 
 perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to 
 me, with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was 
 too severe upon the young man ; and, turning towards 
 me, told me, I need not to be afraid, for nobody would 
 do me any harm ; then bidding me take time to recol- 
 lect myself, he examined me touching the operation of 
 the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. 
 The next person who questioned me was a wag, who 
 began by asking if I had ever seen amputation per- 
 formed ; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook 
 his head, and said, " What ! upon a dead subject, I 
 suppose?" "If," continued he, "during an engage- 
 ment at sea, a man should be brought to you with his 
 head shot off, how would you behave ? " After some 
 hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under 
 my observation, neither did I remember to have seen 
 any method of cure proposed for such an accident, in 
 any of the systems of surgery I had perused. Whether 
 it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the 
 archness of the question, I know not, but every mem- 
 ber of the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, 
 who seemed to have very little of the animal risibile in 
 his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged 
 by the success of his last joke, went on thus : " Sup- 
 pose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, 
 who had been bruised by a fall, what would you 
 do ? ' : I answered, I would bleed him immediately. 
 "What," said he, "before you had tied up his
 
 1 1 8 Roderick Random 
 
 arm ? ' : But this stroke of wit not answering his 
 expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentle- 
 man who sat next him ; and who, with a pert air, 
 asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds 
 of the intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it 
 is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers ; which he 
 heard to an end, and then said, with a supercilious 
 smile, " So you think by such treatment the patient 
 might recover ? " — I told him I saw nothing to make 
 me think otherwise. "That may be," resumed he, 
 " I won't answer for your foresight ; but did you ever 
 know a case of this kind succeed" ; I answered I did 
 not ; and was about to tell him I had never seen a 
 wounded intestine ; but he stopped me, by saying, with 
 some precipitation, " Nor never will. I affirm, that 
 all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, 
 are mortal." — " Pardon me, brother," says the fat 
 gentleman, "there is very good authority." —Here he 
 was interrupted by the other, with " Sir, excuse me, I 
 despise all authority. Nullius in verba. I stand upon 
 my own bottom." -"But, sir, sir," replied his an- 
 tagonist, "the reason of the thing shows." — "A fig 
 for reason," cried this sufficient member, " I laugh at 
 reason; give me ocular demonstration." The corpulent 
 gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no 
 man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would 
 advance such an extravagant assertion. This innuendo 
 enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in 
 a furious tone, exclaimed, " What, sir ! do you ques- 
 tion my knowledge in anatomy ? " By this time, all 
 the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or 
 other of the disputants, and raised their voices all 
 together, when the chairman commanded silence, and 
 ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an 
 hour I was called in again, received my qualification 
 sealed up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. .
 
 Jackson's Disguise 119 
 
 I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood 
 some time, until one of them bade me begone ; to this 
 I replied, " I will, when I have got my change" ; upon 
 which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, 
 saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went 
 away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to 
 give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and a 
 shilling to an old woman who swept the hall. This 
 disbursement sunk my finances to thirteenpence half- 
 penny, with which I was sneaking ofF, when Jackson 
 perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would 
 tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the 
 other end of the town, as soon as his examination 
 should be over. I could not refuse this to a person 
 that was so much my friend ; but I was astonished at 
 the change of his dress, which was varied in half an 
 hour from what I have already described, to a very 
 grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old 
 smoked tie wig that did not boast one crooked hair, 
 and a slouched hat over it, which would have very 
 well become a chimney-sweeper or a dustman ; hi;; 
 neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of 
 which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of 
 a shabby great-coat that wrapped up his whole body ; 
 his white silk stockings were converted into black 
 worsted hose ; and his countenance was rendered 
 venerable by wi inkles, and a beard of his own painting. 
 
 When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, 
 he laughed, and told me, it was done by the advice 
 and assistance of a friend who lived over the way, and 
 would certainly produce something very much to his 
 advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, 
 which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded 
 hi.s sagacity, and waited with im :e for the effects 
 
 of it. At length he was called in, but whether the 
 oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more
 
 120 Roderick Random 
 
 than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suit- 
 able to his figure, I know not ; he was discovered to 
 be an impostor, and put into the hands of the beadle, 
 in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of" 
 seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance, and 
 a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him 
 led through the outward hall as a prisoner, and was 
 very much alarmed and anxious to know the occasion ; 
 when he called with a lamentable voice and piteous 
 aspect to me, and some others who knew him, " For 
 God's sake, gentlemen, bear witness that I am the 
 same individual John Jackson, who served as surgeon's 
 second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall 
 go to Bridewell." It would have been impossible 
 for the most austere hermit that ever lived to have 
 refrained from laughing at his appearance and address ; 
 we therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his 
 expense, and afterwards pleaded his cause so effectu- 
 ally with the beadle, who was gratified with half 
 a crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and, in a 
 few moments, resumed his former gaiety ; swearing, 
 since the board had refused his money, he would spend 
 it every shilling before he went to bed in treating his 
 friends ; at the same time inviting us all to favour him 
 with our company. It was now ten o'clock at night, 
 and as I had a great way to walk, through streets that 
 were utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to 
 be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards ac- 
 company me to my lodgings, according to his promise. 
 
 He conducted us to his friend's house, who kept a 
 tavern over the way, where we continued drinking 
 punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and 
 made us all extremely frolicsome : I in particular was 
 so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a 
 wench, at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, 
 and assured me I should have my desire before we
 
 
 . jfc£u£ 
 
 ;)r>/, rr/i/ 
 
 / C/l. r i /////////■■>
 
 Adventure at a Night House 121 
 
 parted. Accordingly, when we had paid the reckoning, 
 we sallied out, roaring and singing ; and were conducted 
 by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, 
 where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, 
 with whom I proposed to spend the remaining part of 
 the night ; but she not relishing my appearance, re- 
 fused to grant my request before I should have made 
 her an acknowledgment ; which not suiting with my 
 circumstances, we broke off our correspondence, to 
 my no small mortification and resentment, because I 
 thought the mercenary creature had not done justice 
 to my merit. In the meantime, Mr. Jackson's dress 
 had attracted the inclinations and assiduities of two or 
 three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return 
 for the arrack punch with which he treated them ; till 
 at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of those 
 charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all ; 
 and our conductor called, "To pay." When the bill 
 was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he 
 put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself 
 the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident dis- 
 concerted him a great deal at first ; but, after some recol- 
 lection, he seized the two Dulcineas who sat by him, one 
 in each hand, and swore, if they did not immediately 
 restore his money, he would charge a constable with 
 them. 
 
 The good lady at the bar, seeing what had passed, 
 whispered something to the drawer, who went out ; 
 and then, with great composure, asked what was the 
 matter ? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore, 
 if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and 
 her whores committed to Bridewell. " Robbed," 
 cried she, "robbed in my house! Gentlemen and 
 ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has 
 scandalised my reputation." At that instant seeing 
 the constable and watch enter, she proceeded, " What!
 
 122 Roderick Random 
 
 you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions 
 to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon 
 my family ! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this 
 uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here ; I 
 shall take care and bring an action against him for 
 defamation." While I was reflecting on this melan- 
 choly event, which had made me quite sober, the lady 
 whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some 
 repartee that passed between us, cried, " They are all 
 concerned " ; and desired the constable to take us all 
 into custody ; an arrest which was performed instantly, 
 to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except 
 Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was 
 very little concerned, and charged the constable in his 
 turn with the landlady and her whole bevy : upon 
 which we were carried all together prisoners to the 
 Round House ; where Jackson, after a word of com- 
 fort to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, 
 to which he said he would swear next morning before 
 the justice. "Ay, ay," says the bawd, "we shall see 
 whose oath will most signify." In a little time, the 
 constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to 
 him thus : " I perceive that you and your company 
 are strangers, and am very sorry for your being 
 involved in such an ugly business. I have known 
 this woman a great while ; she has kept a notorious 
 house in the neighbourhood this many years, and, 
 although often complained or as a nuisance, still 
 escapes, through her interest with the justices, to 
 whom she, and all of her employment, pay con- 
 tribution quarterly for protection. As she charged 
 me with you first, her complaint will have the pre- 
 ference ; and she can procure evidence to swear what- 
 ever she shall please to desire of them. So that unless 
 you can make it up before morning, you and your 
 companions may think yourselves happily quit for
 
 Taken before a Justice 123 
 
 a month's hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she 
 should swear a robbery or assault against you, you 
 will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions 
 at the Old Bailey for your life." This last piece of 
 information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he 
 agreed to make it up, provided his money might be 
 restored. The constable told him, that, instead of 
 retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it 
 would cost him some more before they would come to 
 any composition. But, however, he had compassion 
 on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a 
 mutual relea The unfortunate beau thanked him 
 
 for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us 
 with the substance of this dialogue ; while the constable, 
 desiring to speak, in private with our adversary, carried 
 her into the neve room, and pleaded our cause so 
 effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire : 
 he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we 
 gave our assent; and he lined each party in three 
 shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein 
 we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of 
 my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in 
 the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned 
 Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished 
 our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my 
 last shilling, it. was morning ; and [ proposed to move 
 homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, 
 he could discharge no prisoners, but by order of the 
 justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed 
 my chagrin ; and 1 cursed the hour in which I had 
 ] ielded to Jackson's invitation. About nine o'clock 
 we were escorted to the house of a certain justice, not 
 many miles distant from Covenl Garden; who no 
 sooner saw the constable enter with a train <>t prisoners 
 at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: "So, Mr. 
 
 n - Wh.it Jen of :'< ;
 
 124 Roderick Random 
 
 have you been scouring?' 1 Then looking at us, who 
 appeared very much dejected, he continued, " Ay, ay, 
 thieves, I see — old offenders — O your humble servant, 
 Mrs. Harridan ! I suppose these fellows have been taken 
 robbing your house — yes, yes, here's an old acquaint- 
 ance of mine — you have used expedition," said he to 
 me, " in returning from transportation ; but we shall 
 save you the trouble for the future — the surgeons will 
 fetch you from your next transportation at their ex- 
 pense." I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, 
 for he had never seen me in his life before. To this 
 declaration he replied, "How! you impudent rascal, 
 dare you say so to my face ? Do you think I am to 
 be imposed upon by that northern accent which you 
 have assumed ? but it shan't avail you — you shall find 
 me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write this 
 fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick Gahagan." 
 
 Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a 
 Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good 
 family, and that my name was Random. The justice 
 looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his 
 memory, on which he valued himself much ; and 
 strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put 
 his hands in his sides, and said, " Who are you, sir ? 
 Do you give me the lie ? Take notice, gentlemen, 
 here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench ; but 
 I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will ; for notwithstanding 
 your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon." 
 My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which 
 was thundered out with great vociferation, that he 
 changed colour, and remained speechless. This con- 
 fusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and to 
 complete his discovery, continued his threats — " Now, 
 I am convinced you are a thief — your face discovers it 
 — you tremble all over — your conscience won't lie still 
 — you'll be hanged, sirrah," raising his voice, " you'll
 
 Qualified for the Navy 125 
 
 be hanged ; and happy had it been for the world, as 
 well as your own miserable soul, if you had been 
 detected and cut off in the beginning of your career. 
 Come hither, clerk, and take this man's confession." 
 I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, 
 going into another room with his worship, acquainted 
 him with the truth of the story ; which having learned, 
 he returned with a smiling countenance, and addressing 
 himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify 
 young people, when they came before him, that his 
 threats might make a strong impression on their minds, 
 and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and 
 debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. 
 Thus having cloaked his own want of discernment 
 under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, 
 and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain 
 had been lifted off my breast. 
 
 CHAPTER EIGHTEEN 
 
 I carry my Qualification to the Navy Office — The Nature of 
 it — The Behaviour of the Secretary — Strap's Concern 
 for my Absence — A Battle between him and a Black- 
 smith — The troublesome Consequence of it — His 
 Harangue to me — His Friend the Schoolmaster recom- 
 mends me to a French Apothecary, who entertains me 
 as a Journeyman. 
 
 I WOULD willingly have gone home to sleep, but 
 was told by my companions, that we must deliver 
 our letters of qualification at the Navy Office before- 
 one o'clock ; accordingly we went thither, and gave 
 them to the secretary, who opened and read them ; 
 and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for 
 second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck
 
 126 Roderick Random 
 
 them altogether on a file, one of our company asked if 
 there were any vacancies ? to which interrogation he 
 answered, No. Then I ventured to inquire if any 
 ships were to be put in commission soon ? At which 
 question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable 
 contempt, and, pushing us out of his office, locked 
 the door, without deigning us another word. We 
 went downstairs, and conferred together on our ex- 
 pectations, when I understood that each of them had 
 been recommended to one or other of the commis- 
 sioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy 
 that should fall ; but that none of them relied solely 
 upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, 
 with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. 
 For which reason each of them had provided a small 
 purse ; and I was asked what I proposed to give ? 
 
 This was a vexatious question to me, who, far from 
 being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary, had 
 not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore 
 answered, I had not yet determined what to give ; and 
 sneaked off towards my own lodgings, cursing my fate 
 all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against 
 the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice 
 of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and 
 indigence. Full of these disagreeable reflections, I 
 arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my 
 landlord from great anxiety on my account ; for this 
 honest man believed I had met with some dismal 
 accident, and that he should never see me again. 
 Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, 
 understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost 
 distracted, and, after having obtained leave of his 
 master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even 
 more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing 
 to inform my landlord of my adventure, I told him I 
 had met with an acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, with
 
 Strap and the Blacksmith 127 
 
 whom I spent the evening and night, but being very 
 much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and 
 therefore intended to take a little repose ; so saying, I 
 went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap 
 should happen to come while I should be asleep. I 
 was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who 
 entered my chamber about three o'clock in the after- 
 noon ; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I could 
 scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, 
 setting out towards Surgeons' Hall, had inquired for me 
 there to no purpose ; from thence he found his way to 
 the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of 
 me, because I was unknown to everybody then present ; 
 he afterwards went upon 'Change, in hopes of seeing 
 me upon the Scotch walk, but without success. 
 
 At last, being almost in despair of finding me, ln- 
 resolved to ask everybody he met in the street, if per- 
 chance anyone could give him information about me ; 
 and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of 
 the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was 
 answered ; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, seeing him 
 stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing 
 his question, for which he received a hearty curse, 
 called to him, and asked if the person he inquired 
 after was not a Scotchman : Strap replied with great 
 eagerness, " Yes, and had on a brown coat with long 
 skirts." "The same," said the blacksmith, "I saw 
 him pass by an hour ago." "Did you so?" cried 
 Strap, rubbing his hands, "Odd! I am very glad of 
 that--which way went he ? " " Towards Tyburn in 
 a cart," said he; "if you make good speed, you may 
 get thither time enough to see him hanged." This 
 piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that 
 he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he 
 would fight him for half a farthing. " No, no," said 
 the other, stripping, " I'll have none of your money —
 
 128 Roderick Random 
 
 you Scotchmen seldom carry any about with you — but 
 I'll fight you for love." There was a ring immediately 
 formed by the mob ; and Strap finding he could not 
 get off honourably without fighting, at the same time 
 burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted 
 his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle 
 began with great violence on the side of Strap, who in 
 a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his 
 patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great 
 coolness, till, finding the barber quite spent, he returned 
 the blows he had lent him with such interest, that Strap, 
 after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave 
 out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man. 
 
 The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to 
 adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink friends. But 
 when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he 
 perceived that some honest person or other had made 
 free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which 
 were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat 
 would have met with the same fate, had they been 
 worth stealing. It was in vain for him to make a 
 noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators ; he 
 was fain to get off in this manner, which he accom- 
 plished with much difficulty, and appeared before me 
 all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding 
 this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me 
 safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk 
 me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned 
 himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen 
 nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my 
 night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, 
 and made him repeat with great energy an observation 
 which was often in his mouth, namely, " that surely 
 London is the devil's drawing-room." As neither of 
 us had dined, he desired me to get up ; and the milk- 
 woman coming round at that instant, he went down-
 
 Strap's Harangue 129 
 
 stairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on 
 which we made a comfortable meal. He then shared 
 his money with me, which amounted to eighteenpence, 
 and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig 
 and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. 
 
 He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my 
 situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the 
 schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to 
 choose and pursue some one that might procure me 
 bread ; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, 
 when I reflected on the miserable dependence in which 
 I lived at the expense of a poor barber's boy. My 
 pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of suc- 
 ceeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution 
 of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event 
 what it would. This extravagant design, by flattering 
 my disposition, gave great satisfaction ; and I was 
 charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, 
 when Strap's return interrupted my reverie. The 
 schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie wig 
 which he wore when I was introduced to him, together 
 with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed 
 a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to wear them 
 in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by 
 day ; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced 
 them both to a moderate size. While he was employed 
 in this office, he addressed me thus: "To be sure, Mr. 
 Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great 
 deal of learning — ami indeed look like a gentleman ; 
 for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the 
 best of them. On the other hand, I am a poor but 
 honest cobbler's son — my mother was as industrious a 
 woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took 
 to drinking, which you very well know — but every- 
 body has failings — humanum est errare. Now, for 
 myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably 
 1.— 9
 
 130 Roderick Random 
 
 well made, and understand some Latin, and have a 
 smattering of Greek — but what of that ? perhaps I 
 might also say that I know a little of the world — 
 but that is to no purpose — though you be gentle and I 
 simple, it does not follow but that I who am simple 
 may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now 
 this is the case — my kinsman the schoolmaster — 
 perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related 
 to me — I'll satisfy you in that presently — his mother 
 and my grandmother's sister's nephew — no, that's not 
 it — my grandfather's brother's daughter — rabbit it ! I 
 have forgot the degree, but this I know, he and I are 
 cousins seven times removed." My impatience to 
 know the good office he had done me got the better 
 of my temper, and interrupted him at this place, with, 
 " D — n your relation and pedigree ! if the schoolmaster 
 or you can be of any advantage to me, why don't you 
 tell me without all this preamble?" When I pro- 
 nounced these words with some vehemence, Strap 
 looked at me for some time with a grave countenance, 
 and then went on : " Surely my pedigree is not to be 
 d — n'd, because it is not so noble as yours. I am very 
 sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late — 
 you was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed 
 as old Perriwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you 
 and I, God forgive us, played so many unlucky tricks, 
 while we were at school. But I will no longer detain 
 you in suspense, because, doubtless, nothing is more 
 uneasy than doubt — clubio, procul diib'w, nil dubius. My 
 friend, or relation, or which you will, or both, the 
 schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for 
 you — for, you may be sure, I did not fail to let him 
 know your good qualities — by the by, he has under- 
 taken to teach you the pronunciation of the English 
 tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for 
 business in this country — I say my relation has spoke
 
 Introduction to Lavement 131 
 
 in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a 
 journeyman ; and, on his recommendation, you may 
 have fifteen pounds per year, bed and board, whenever 
 you please." I was too much interested in this piece 
 of news to entertain it with indifference ; but, jumping 
 up, insisted on Strap's immediately accompanying me to 
 the house of his friend, that I might not lose this oppor- 
 tunity through the least delay or neglect on my part. 
 
 We were informed that the schoolmaster was in 
 company at a public-house in the neighbourhood, 
 whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the 
 very individual apothecary in question. When he was 
 called to the door at our desire, and observed my 
 impatience, he broke out into his usual term of admira- 
 tion : " O Ch — st ! I suppose, when you heard of this 
 offer, you did not take leisure enough to come down- 
 stairs, but leapt out of the window ; did you overturn 
 no porter nor oyster-woman in your way ! It is a 
 mercy of God you did not knock your brains out 
 against some post in your career. O my conscience ! 
 I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my 
 habitation, — the very penetralia, — even in bed with my 
 wife ; your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, 
 bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus or 
 Sanctum Sanctorum could not have hid me from you. 
 But come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in 
 the house, I will present you to him forthwith." 
 When I entered the room, I perceived four or five 
 people smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted 
 thus : " Mr. Lavement, here's the young man of whom 
 I spoke to you." The apothecary, who was a little 
 old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, 
 a nose tinned up at the end, large cheek-bones that 
 helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag 
 of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles 
 like the alforjas of a baboon ; and a mouth so accus-
 
 132 Roderick Random 
 
 tomed to that contraction which produces grinning, 
 that he could not pronounce a syllable without 
 discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted 
 of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, 
 called canine ; — this person, I say, after having eyed me 
 some time, said, " Oho, 'tis very well, Mons. Con- 
 cordance ; — young man, you are ver welcome, take one 
 coup of bierre — and come to mine house to-marrow 
 morning: Mons. Concordance vil show you de way." 
 Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the 
 room, could hear him say, "Mafoi! c' 'est un beau gar con, 
 c est un galliard" As I had, by my own application, 
 while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue well 
 enough to read authors written in that language, and 
 understand anything that occurred in conversation, I 
 determined to pretend ignorance to my new master, 
 that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the 
 same country, not being on the reserve before me, 
 might possible discover something in discourse, which 
 would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next 
 morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothe- 
 cary's house, where the bargain was made, and orders 
 given to provide an apartment for me immediately. 
 But, before I entered upon business, the schoolmaster 
 recommended me to his tailor, who gave me credit for 
 a suit of clothes to be paid out of the first moiety of 
 my wages, and they were begun upon that very day ; 
 he afterwards accommodated me with a new hat, on 
 the same terms ; so that, in a few days, I hoped to 
 make a very fashionable appearance. In the mean- 
 time, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted 
 for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, 
 furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair 
 without a back, an earthen chamber-pot without a 
 handle, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular 
 piece of glass instead of a mirror, the rest of its orna-
 
 Mr. Lavement's Family 133 
 
 merits having been lately removed to one of the garrets, 
 for the convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, 
 who lodged in the first floor. 
 
 CHAPTER NINETEEN 
 
 The Characters of Mr. Lavement, his Wife, and Daughter — - 
 Some Anecdotes of the Family — The Mother and 
 Daughter rivals — I am guilty of a Mistake that gives 
 me present Satisfaction, but is attended with trouble- 
 some Consequences. 
 
 NEXT day, while I was at work, in the shop, a 
 bouncing damsel, well dressed, came in, on 
 pretence of finding a phial for some use or 
 other ; and taking an opportunity, when she thought 
 I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went 
 away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed 
 her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of 
 entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards 
 her. At dinner, the maids, with whom I dined in 
 the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my 
 master's only daughter, who would have a very hand- 
 some fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a 
 great many young gentlemen made their addresses to 
 her ; that she had been twice on the biink of marriage, 
 but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who 
 refused to part with a shilling to promote the match ; 
 for which reason the young lady did not behave to 
 her father with all the filial veneration that might be 
 expected. In particular, she harboured the most 
 perfect hatred for his countrymen, in which disposition 
 she resembled her mother, who was an Englishwoman; 
 and, by the hints they dropped, 1 learned the guy 
 mare was the bitter horse J thai she was a matron ot a
 
 134 Roderick Random 
 
 high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense 
 of her dependants ; that she loved diversions, and 
 looked upon Miss as her rival in all parties ; which, 
 indeed, was the true cause of all her disappointments, 
 for, had the mother been hearty in her interest, the 
 father would not have ventured to refuse her demands- 
 Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon 
 made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement's significant 
 grins at his wife, while she looked another way, con- 
 vinced me that he was not at all content with his lot ; 
 and his behaviour in presence of the captain, made me 
 believe his chief torment was jealousy. As for my 
 own part, I was considered in no other light than that 
 of a menial servant, and had been already six days in 
 the house without being honoured with one word from 
 either mother or daughter, the latter (as I understood 
 from the maids) having, at table, one day expressed some 
 surprise that her papa should entertain such an awk- 
 ward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this 
 piece of information, and next Sunday, (it being my 
 turn to take my diversion,) dressed myself in my new 
 clothes, to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, 
 made no contemptible figure. After having spent most 
 part of the day in company with Strap, and some of 
 his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and 
 was let in by Miss, who, not knowing me, dropped a 
 low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a 
 profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had 
 turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and 
 changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage 
 being narrow, I could not get away without jostling 
 her ; so I was forced to remain where I was, with my 
 eyes fixed on the ground, and my face glowing with 
 blushes. At length her vanity coming to her assist- 
 ance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her 
 pronounce the word " Creature." From this day
 
 Mother and Daughter 135 
 
 forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day, 
 upon various pretences, and put in practice so many 
 ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion 
 of me was changed, and that she did not think me 
 altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was 
 so steeled against her charms by pride and resentment, 
 which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, 
 that I remained insensible to all her arts ; and, not- 
 withstanding some advances she made, could not be 
 prevailed upon to yield her the least attention. This 
 neglect soon banished all the favourable impressions she 
 felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took 
 place in her heart ; this she manifested not only in all 
 the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice 
 with her father, but also in procuring for me such 
 servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently 
 humble my spirit. One day, in particular, she ordered 
 me to brush my master's coat, but I refusing, a smart 
 dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears 
 of rage ; when her mother interposing, and examining 
 into the merits of the cause, determined it in my favour ; 
 and this good office I owed not to any esteem or con- 
 sideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of 
 mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, 
 that let people be never so much in the right, there 
 were some folks who would never do them justice ; 
 but, to be sure, they had their reasons lor it, which 
 .some people were not ignorant of, although they 
 despised their little arts. This insinuation of sonic 
 people and some folks, put me upon observing the be- 
 haviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future ; 
 and it was not long before 1 had reason to believe that 
 she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections 
 of Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. In 
 the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me 
 the goodwill of my master, who would often say in
 
 136 Roderick Random 
 
 French, " Mardie ! c'est un bon garfoti." He had a 
 great deal of business ; but as he was mostly employed 
 among his fellow-refugees, his profits were small. 
 However, his expense for medicines was not great, 
 for he was the most expert man at a succedaneum of 
 any apothecary in London ; so that I have been some- 
 times amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, 
 make up a physician's prescription, though he had not 
 in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster- 
 shells he could invent into crab's eyes ; common oil, 
 into oil of sweet almonds ; syrup of sugar, into balsamic 
 syrup ; Thames water, into aqua cinnamoni ; turpentine, 
 into capivi ; and a hundred more costly preparations 
 were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and 
 coarsest drugs of the materia medica : and when any 
 common thing was ordered for a patient, he always 
 took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in 
 such a manner, as that it could not possibly be known, 
 for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of 
 great service. Among many nostrums which he pos- 
 sessed, there was one for the venereal disease, that 
 brought him a good deal of money ; and this he 
 concealed so artfully from me, that I could never 
 learn its composition. But during the eight months 
 I staid in his service, he was so unfortunate in the 
 use of it, that three parts in four of those who took it 
 were fain to confirm the cure by a salivation under the 
 direction of another doctor. This bad success, in all 
 appearance, attached him the more to his specific ; and 
 before I left him, I may venture to say, he would have 
 sooner renounced the Trinity, notwithstanding his being 
 a good Huguenot, than his confidence in the never- 
 failing power of this remedy. Mr. Lavement had 
 attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet 
 into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots 
 and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a
 
 Captain O'Donnell 137 
 
 physician and philosopher ; but all his rhetoric could 
 not make one proselyte to his opinion ; and even the 
 wife of his bosom declared against the proposal. 
 Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid 
 to her husband's admonition in this particular, or to 
 the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not ; 
 but this lady's passions became every day more and 
 more violent, till at last she looked upon decency 
 as an unnecessary restraint ; and one afternoon, when 
 her husband was abroad, and her daughter gone to 
 visit, ordered me to call a hackney coach, in which 
 she and the captain drove toward Covent Garden. 
 
 Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her 
 usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o'clock my 
 master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to 
 sleep ; upon which I told him, my mistress went out 
 in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was 
 like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who, 
 starting back, cried, " Mart tie ma vie J vat you tell a 
 me ? My wife not at home ! " At that instant a 
 patient's servant arrived with a prescription for a 
 draught, which my master taking, went into the shop 
 to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed 
 the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, 
 whether or not his wife went out alone ; and no sooner 
 heard that she was in company with the captain, than, 
 with one blow, he split the mortar into a thousand 
 pieces, and, grinning like the head of a bass viol, 
 exclaimed, "Ah, traitressc ! ' It would have been 
 impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a 
 minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap 
 at the door, which I opened, and perceived my 
 mistress coming out of the coach ; she flounced 
 immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband 
 thus : " I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear — 
 Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat me
 
 138 Roderick Random 
 
 with a play." "Play, play," replied he, "oho! yes, 
 by gar, I believe ver prettie play." " Bless me ! ' : 
 said she, "what's the matter?" "Vat de matter?" 
 cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, " by 
 gar, you be one damn dog's wife — ventre bleu ! me 
 vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. 
 Pardieu ! le Capitaine O'Donnell be one " — -Here 
 the captain, who had been all the while at the door 
 discharging the coach, entered, and said, with a terrible 
 voice, "D — mme ! what am I?" Mr. Lavement, 
 changing his tone, immediately saluted him with, " Oh 
 serviteur, Monsieur le Capitaine, vous etes tin galant 
 homme — ma femme est fort obligee" Then, turning 
 about towards me, pronounced with a low voice, " Et 
 diablement obligeante, sans doute." " Harkee, Mr. 
 Lavement," said the captain, " I am a man of honour, 
 and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be 
 offended at the civility I show your wife." 
 
 This declaration had such an effect on the apothecary, 
 that he resumed all the politesse of a Frenchman, and 
 with the utmost prostration of compliment, assured the 
 captain that he was perfectly well satisfied with the 
 honour he had done his wife. Matters being thus 
 composed, everybody went to rest. Next day, I 
 perceived, through a glass door that opened from the 
 shop into the parlour, the captain talking earnestly to 
 Miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger 
 mingled with scorn ; which, however, he at last found 
 means to mollify, and sealed his reconciliation with a 
 kiss. This circumstance soon convinced me of the 
 occasion of the quarrel ; but notwithstanding all my 
 vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce 
 between them. In the meanwhile, I had reason to 
 believe I had inspired one of the maids with tender 
 sentiments for me ; and one night, when I thought 
 every other person in the house asleep, I took the
 
 A Nocturnal Mistake 139 
 
 opportunity of going to reap the fruits of my conquest, 
 her bedfellow having the day before gone to Richmond 
 to visit her parents. Accordingly, I got up, and, naked 
 as I was, explored my way in the dark, to the garret 
 where she lay. I was ravished to find the door open, 
 and moved softly to her bedside, transported with the 
 hope of completing my wishes. But what horrors of 
 jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found 
 her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I 
 easily guessed to be no other than the captain's servant ! 
 I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when 
 the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscot put 
 me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own 
 bed in safety. Whether this alarm had disordered my 
 mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, 
 I know not ; but, instead of turning to the left hand 
 when I descended to the second storey, I pursued the 
 contrary course, and mistook the young lady's bed- 
 chamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake 
 before I had run against the bedposts, and then it was 
 not in my power to retreat undiscovered ; for the 
 nymph being awake, felt my approach, and, with a soft 
 voice, bade me make less noise, lest the Scotch booby 
 in the next room should overhear us. This hint was 
 sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assignation ; 
 and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state 
 of exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good fortune. 
 
 Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made 
 bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me 
 as favourable a reception as 1 could desire. Our 
 conversation was very sparing on my part ; but she 
 upbraided the person whom 1 represented with his 
 jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my 
 resentment had well-nigh occasioned a discovery more 
 than once ; but 1 was consoled for her hatred of me by 
 the revenge I enjoyed in understanding from her own
 
 140 Roderick Random 
 
 mouth that it was now high time to salve her reputa- 
 tion by matrimony ; tor she had reason to fear she 
 could not much longer conceal the effects of their 
 mutual intercourse. While I was meditating an answer 
 to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like 
 something heavy falling down upon the floor ; upon 
 which I started up, and, creeping to the door of my 
 chamber, observed by moonlight the shadow of a man 
 groping his way out ; so I retired to one side to let him 
 pass, and saw him go downstairs as expeditiously as he 
 could. It was an easy matter to divine that this was 
 the captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up 
 at last to keep his assignation ; and finding my door 
 open, had entered my apartment instead of that of his 
 mistress, where I supplied his place ; but finding his 
 mistake, by falling over my chair, he was afraid the 
 noise might alarm the family, and, for that reason, 
 made off, delaying the gratification of his desires till 
 another opportunity. By this time I was satisfied ; 
 and, instead of returning to the place from whence I 
 came, retreated to my own castle, which I fortified by 
 bolting the door, and, in the congratulation of my own 
 happiness, fell asleep. But the truth of this adventure 
 could not be long concealed from my young mistress, 
 who next day came to an explanation with the captain, 
 upon his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and 
 begging pardon for the noise he had made. Their 
 mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of 
 what had happened, may be easily conjectured, though 
 each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other ; for she 
 was conscious of not only having betrayed to me the 
 secrets of her commerce with him, but also of having 
 incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my 
 name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. On the other 
 hand, his jealousy suggested that her sorrow was all 
 artifice, and that I had supplied his place with her own
 
 Dangerously Wounded 141 
 
 privity and consent. That such was the situation of 
 their thoughts, will appear in the sequel ; for that very 
 day she came into the shop where I was alone, and 
 fixing her eyes, swimming in tears, upon me, sighed 
 most piteously. But I was proof against her distress, 
 by recollecting the epithets with which she had 
 honoured me the night before ; and believing that the 
 good reception I enjoyed was destined for another, 
 therefore I took no notice of her affliction ; and she 
 had the mortification to find her disdain returned 
 fourfold. However, from thenceforward she thought 
 proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, 
 knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish 
 her shame. By these means my life became much more 
 agreeable, though I never could prevail upon myself to 
 repeat my nocturnal visit ; and, as I every day im- 
 proved in my knowledge of the town, I shook off my 
 awkward air by degrees, and acquired the character of 
 a polite journeyman apothecary. 
 
 CHAPTER TWENTY 
 
 I am assaulted and dangerously wounded — Suspect O'Don- 
 nell, and am confirmed in my Opinion — Concert a 
 Scheme of Revenge, and put it in execution — OT)on- 
 nell robs his own Servant, and disappears — I make my 
 Addresses to a Lady, and am miraculously delivered 
 from her Snare. 
 
 ONI. night about twelve o'clock, as 1 returned from 
 visiting a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on 
 my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me 
 senseless on the ground ; and was left for dead, with 
 three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I 
 uttered, when I recovered the use of my reason,
 
 142 Roderick Random 
 
 alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood 
 near the spot where I lay, and they were humane 
 enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who 
 dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not 
 mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin and 
 muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, 
 that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me 
 through the entrails. The second slanted along one of 
 my ribs ; and the last, which was intended for the 
 finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the 
 sword snapped upon my breastbone, and the point 
 remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon 
 this event, I could not persuade myself that I had been 
 assaulted by a common footpad ; because it is not usual 
 for such people to murder those they rob, especially 
 when they meet with no resistance ; and I found my 
 money, and everything else about me (but my carcase) 
 safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have 
 been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private 
 resentment of some secret enemy for what had 
 happened ; and as I could remember nobody who 
 had the least cause of complaint against me, except 
 Captain O'Donnell and my master's daughter, my sus- 
 picion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal 
 it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation. 
 
 With this view, I went home in a chair about 
 ten o'clock in the morning ; and as the chairman 
 supported me into the house, met the captain in the 
 passage, who no sooner saw me, than he started back, 
 and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he 
 would have accounted for from the surprise occasioned 
 by seeing me in such a condition. My master having 
 heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of 
 sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were 
 not dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to 
 bed ; though not without some opposition from his
 
 A Scheme of Revenge 143 
 
 wife, who was of opinion, it would be better for me to 
 go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully 
 attended. My meditation was employed in concerting 
 with myself some method of revenge against Squire 
 O'Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as 
 the authors of my misfortune; when Miss (who was 
 not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, 
 saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen 
 me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin : 
 upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon her, and 
 answered, "Yes." She discovered no symptom of 
 confusion ; but replied hastily, " If that be the case, 
 why don't you take out a warrant to have him appre- 
 hended ? It will cost but a trifle ; if you have no 
 money, I'll lend you." This frankness not only cured 
 me of my suspicion with respect to her ; but even 
 staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of 
 whose guilt I resolved to have further proof before 
 I should enterprise anything in the way of revenge. 
 
 1 thanked her kindly for her generous offer ; which, 
 however, I had no occasion to accept, being deter- 
 mined to do nothing rashly : for though I could 
 plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a 
 soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I 
 could not swear with a safe conscience to any par- 
 ticular man ; and, granting I could, my prosecution of 
 him would not much avail. This uncertainty I pre- 
 tended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew 
 the person who wounded me, might think proper to 
 withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite 
 him. In two days I was up, and able to do a little 
 business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on 
 his practice, without hiring another journeyman in my 
 room. The first thing I attempted towards a certain 
 discovery of my secret enemy, was to get into 
 O'Donnell's apartment while lie was abroad in an
 
 144 Roderick Random 
 
 undress, and examine his sword, the point of which 
 being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found 
 sticking in my body, and found it answered the 
 fractured part exactly. There was no room left for 
 doubt ; and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme 
 of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts 
 during the space of eight nights and days. Some- 
 times I was tempted to fall upon him in the same 
 manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him 
 outright. But this assault my honour opposed as a 
 piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to 
 be imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of 
 demanding satisfaction in an honourable way ; but 
 was diverted from this undertaking by considering the 
 uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury 
 he had done me, which did not entitle him to such 
 easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle 
 course ; and actually put my design in execution after 
 this manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap 
 and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend 
 upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I 
 caused the following letter to be delivered to him by 
 one of our associates in livery one Sunday evening : — 
 
 " Sir, — If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it 
 will not be disagreeable to you to hear that my husband is 
 gone to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till 
 to-morrow night ; so that if you have anything to propose 
 to me (as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to 
 insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present oppor- 
 tunity of seeing Yours, etc." 
 
 This letter was signed with the name of an apothe- 
 cary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard 
 O'Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded to 
 our wish. The amorous hero hastened towards the 
 place of assignation ; and was encountered by us in the 
 very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed
 
 An Assignation 145 
 
 upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his 
 clothes even to the skin, which we scourged with 
 nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwith- 
 standing all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. 
 
 When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, 
 
 we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a hedge 
 
 near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way 
 
 home in the best manner he could, while I took care to 
 
 be there before him. I afterwards understood, that, in 
 
 his way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the 
 
 skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, 
 
 who carried him to the Round House, from whence he 
 
 sent for clothes to his lodgings ; and next morning 
 
 arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped up in a blanket 
 
 he had borrowed ; for his body was so sore and swelled, 
 
 that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing 
 
 apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness 
 
 by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each 
 
 other in their care and attendance of him ; but Lavement 
 
 himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several 
 
 malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an 
 
 unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt 
 
 my gratification when I had every day an opportunity 
 
 of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my 
 
 adversary, by the ulcers of which 1 had been the cause ; 
 
 and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having 
 
 flayed him alive, but another also which I had not 
 
 foreseen. The story of his being attacked and stripped 
 
 in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave 
 
 information to those who found his clothes next day 
 
 whither to bring them ; and accordingly he retrieved 
 
 everything he had lost, except a few letters, among 
 
 which was that which 1 had writ to him in the name 
 
 of the apothecary's wife. This and the others, which, 
 
 it seems, were all on the subject of love (for this 
 
 Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called 
 
 1.— 10
 
 146 Roderick Random 
 
 fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female 
 author, famous for the scandal she has published, who, 
 after having embellished them with some ornaments of 
 her own invention, gave them to the town in print. 
 
 I was very much shocked on reflecting, that I might 
 possibly be the occasion of a whole family's unhappiness, 
 on account of the letter I had written ; but was eased 
 of that apprehension, when I understood that the 
 Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against 
 the printer for defamation ; and looked upon the whole 
 as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had 
 disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the 
 matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a different 
 idea of it : for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I 
 could perceive their care of their patient considerably 
 diminish, until at last it ended in total neglect. It 
 was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, 
 any more than of the occasion of it ; but as he was 
 conscious to himself of having deserved worse than 
 contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so 
 cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses 
 and threats against the apothecary, who, as he imagined, 
 having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, 
 had taken revenge of him in the manner described. 
 By the time he got a new scarf skin, his character was 
 become so notorious, that he thought it high time for 
 him to decamp ; and his retreat he performed in one 
 night without beat of drum, after having robbed his 
 own servant of everything that belonged to him, except 
 the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he 
 had disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, 
 took into custody a large old trunk which he had left ; 
 and, as it was very heavy, made no question that the 
 contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what 
 O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being 
 elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer,
 
 Strap Takes his Leave 147 
 
 and my master being impatient to know what the trunk 
 contained, he ordered me to break it open in his 
 presence, which task I performed with the pestle of 
 our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible 
 astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones. 
 
 About this time my friend Strap informed me of an 
 offer he had to go abroad with a gentleman, in quality 
 of valet-de-chambre, and at the same time assured me, 
 that whatever advantage he might propose to himself 
 from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of 
 parting from me ; so much was he attached to my 
 fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this 
 poor honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the heart 
 of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance ; 
 and now that I had contracted other friendships which 
 appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a 
 journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity 
 of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting 
 his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, 
 which he at last determined to embrace with great re- 
 luctance ; and in a few days took his leave of me, 
 shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold 
 without emotion. I now began to look upon myself as 
 a gentleman in reality— learned to dance of a French- 
 man whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper — 
 frequented plays during the holidays — became the oracle 
 of an alehouse, where every dispute was referred to my 
 decision — and at length contracted an acquaintance with 
 a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of 
 my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much 
 attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of 
 marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich 
 heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on 
 the point of crowning all my wishes by matrimony ; 
 when one morning I went to her lodgings, and her 
 maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom
 
 148 Roderick Random 
 
 to enter her chamber, where, to my utter confusion, 
 I found her in bed with a man. Heaven gave me 
 patience and presence of mind enough to withdraw 
 immediately ; and I thanked my stars a thousand times 
 for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit 
 so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the 
 future. 
 
 CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE 
 
 Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my Master — Is involved 
 in a troublesome Affair, out of which he is extricated 
 by me — He marries my Master's Daughter — They con- 
 spire against me— I am found guilty of Theft — Dis- 
 charged — Deserted by my Friends — I hire a Room in St. 
 Giles's — Where, by accident, I find the Lady to whom 
 I made my Addresses in a miserable Condition — I relieve 
 her. 
 
 WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this temper 
 of mind, Mr. Lavement let his first floor to my 
 countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, 
 who, by this time, had got a lieutenancy in the army, 
 and such a martial ferocity in his appearance, that I 
 was afraid he would remember what had happened 
 between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of 
 appointment then, by his punctuality now ; but, whether 
 he had actually forgot me, or v/as willing to make 
 me believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of 
 recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured 
 of my apprehension ; though I had occasion, not long 
 after, to be convinced that, howsoever his externals 
 might be altered, he was at bottom the same individual 
 Gawky whom I have already described. For, coming 
 home late one night from the house of a patient, I
 
 Gawky and the Watchmen 149 
 
 heard a noise in the street, and, as I approached, per- 
 ceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. 
 
 The prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with 
 dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs ; 
 and one of them, whom, by his tongue, I knew to be a 
 Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea 
 for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alleging 
 that one of his companions was wounded grievously, 
 and that he must stand to the consequence. My 
 prejudice in favour of my country was so strong, that I 
 could not bear to see anybody belonging to it in distress, 
 and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, 
 knocked down the watchman who had hold of the 
 person for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was 
 no sooner disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, 
 and left me to maintain the dispute as I should think 
 proper ; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily ; for, 
 before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a 
 blow on the eye from one of the other two, that had 
 well-nigh deprived me of the use of that organ. How- 
 ever, I made shift to get home, where I was informed 
 of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a 
 company of footpads, and was ordered by my master 
 to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, 
 in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, 
 occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had under- 
 gone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him 
 immediately. When I inquired into the particulars of 
 this adventure, and understood, by the servant, that he 
 came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made 
 no scruple of believing him to be the person I had 
 released, and was confirmed in my belief upon hearing 
 his voice, to which, before that event, I had been so 
 long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled 
 and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterprise 
 without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to
 
 150 Roderick Random 
 
 declare the truth of the whole story, in order to be 
 revenged on the cowardly wretch, for whom I had 
 suffered. Accordingly, next day, after he had told, 
 in the presence of my master, his wife, and daughter, 
 who came to visit him, a thousand lies concerning the 
 prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured 
 to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of 
 my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and 
 ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, 
 that he could not answer one word ; and the rest of the 
 company stared at one another ; till, at length, my 
 mistress reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, 
 and threatened to turn me away for my presumption. 
 
 Upon which Gawky, having recollected himself, ob- 
 served, as the young man might have mistaken another 
 person for him, he could forgive his insinuations, more 
 especially as he seemed to have suffered for his civility ; 
 but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures 
 for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the 
 prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the captain's 
 generosity in pardoning one who had so villanously 
 aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was 
 not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, who, 
 perhaps, had more penetration, or less partiality, than 
 his wife and daughter, differed from them in his senti- 
 ments of the matter, and expressed himself to me in the 
 shop in this manner : " Ah ! mon pauvre Roderique ! 
 you ave more of de veracite dan of de prudence — bot 
 mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Mons. le 
 Capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu ! ' : This eulogium on 
 his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by him, 
 was, nevertheless, literally just ; by espousing the cause 
 of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the 
 other acquired a husband at a juncture when one was 
 absolutely necessary ; for the young lady, finding the 
 effects of her correspondence with O'Donnell becoming
 
 Gawky's Marriage 151 
 
 plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so 
 artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in 
 less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, 
 they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were 
 coupled ; from thence removed to a hagnio, where the 
 marriage was consummated ; and in the morning came 
 home, where they asked her father's and mother's 
 blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the 
 precipitation with which the match was carried on, 
 did not think fit to refuse their approbation ; for the 
 apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter 
 married to a young man of a good prospect, who had 
 not mentioned to him one syllable on the article of her 
 dowry ; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a 
 rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. 
 Nor was I without self-enjoyment at this event, when 
 I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken 
 upon my enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipa- 
 tion. But I little dreamed what a storm of mischief 
 was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged myself. 
 Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery 
 of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I 
 vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and 
 cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, 
 that he, it seems, imparted his indignation to his wife, 
 who being as desirous as himself to compass the ruin of 
 one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able 
 on any occasion to discover particulars not at all 
 advantageous to her character, readily joined in a con- 
 spiracy against me, which, had it taken effect as they 
 expected, would infallibly have brought me to an 
 ignominious death. 
 
 My master having several times missed large quantities 
 of medicines, of which I could give no account, at last 
 lost all patience, and, in plain terms, taxed me witli 
 having embezzled them for my own use. As I could
 
 152 Roderick Random 
 
 only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he 
 told me one day, " By gar, your void not be give me 
 de satisfaction — me find necessaire to chercher for my 
 medicine, pardonnez-moi — il faut chercher — me demand 
 le clef of your coffie a cette heure." Then raising his 
 voice to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should 
 make any opposition, he went on, " Oui, foutre, I 
 charge you rendez le clef of your cofFre — moi — si, moi 
 qui vous parle." I was fired with so much resentment 
 and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, 
 which he took for a sign of my guilt ; and, pulling out 
 my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately, 
 though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for 
 the injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust 
 suspicion. He took the key, and mounted up to my 
 chamber, attended by the whole family ; saying, " He 
 bien, nous verrons — nous verrons." But what was my 
 horror and amazement, when, on opening my chest, he 
 pulled out a handful of the very things that were 
 missing, and pronounced, " Ah ha ! vous etes bien 
 venus — mardie, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent." 
 I had not power to utter one word in my own vindica- 
 tion, but stood motionless and silent, while everybody 
 present made their respective remarks on what appeared 
 against me. The servants said they were sorry for my 
 misfortune, and went away repeating, " Who would 
 have thought it?' : My mistress took occasion, from 
 this detection, to rail against the practice of employing 
 strangers in general ; and Mrs. Gawky, after having 
 observed that she never had a good opinion of my 
 fidelity, proposed to have me carried before a justice, 
 and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband 
 was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable, 
 when Mr. Lavement, knowing the cost and trouble of 
 a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the 
 same time dreading lest some particulars of my con-
 
 Accusation of Theft 153 
 
 fession might affect his practice, called out, " Restez, 
 mon fils ! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime 
 which dis pauvre diable have committed — bot peutetre 
 de good God give him de penitence, and me vill not 
 have upon mine head de blood of one sinner." The 
 captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments 
 their zeal could suggest, to prevail on the apothecary to 
 pursue me to destruction, and represented the injustice 
 he did to the community of which he was a member, 
 in letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing 
 more mischief in the world, when he should reflect on 
 his coming off so easily now. But their eloquence 
 made no impression on my master, who, turning to me, 
 said, " Go, miserable, go from mine house, quick, 
 quick — and make reparation for your mauvaise actions." 
 By this time my indignation had roused me from the 
 stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained, and I 
 began in this manner : " Sir, appearances, I own, con- 
 demn me ; but you are imposed upon as much as I am 
 abused. I have fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that 
 scoundrel," pointing to Gawky, "who has found means 
 to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them 
 might blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruc- 
 tion. His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of 
 his having wronged me in my own country ; for which 
 injury he, in a cowardly manner, refused me the satis- 
 faction of a gentleman. He knows, moreover, that I 
 am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, 
 which I have recounted before ; and he is unwilling 
 that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusillan- 
 imity should live upon the earth. For this reason he 
 is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my 
 ruin. And I am afraid, madam," turning to Mrs. 
 (iawky, "you have too easily entered into the senti- 
 ments of your husband. 1 have often found you my 
 enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion ot
 
 154 Roderick Random 
 
 your being so, which I don't at present think proper 
 to declare ; but I would not advise you, for your own 
 sake, to drive me to extremity." This address enraged 
 her so much, that, with a face as red as scarlet, and 
 the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and, putting 
 her hands on her sides, spit in my face, saying I was a 
 scandalous villain, but she defied my malice ; and that, 
 unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as I 
 was, she would not stay another night under his roof. 
 At the same time Gawky, assuming a big look, told 
 me he scorned what lies I could invent against him ; 
 but that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would 
 put me to death, by G — d. To this threat I answered, 
 " I wish to God I could meet with thee in a desert, 
 that I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for 
 thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a 
 rascal. What hinders me this moment," said I, seiz- 
 ing an old bottle that stood by, " from doing myself 
 that justice?" I had no sooner armed myself in this 
 manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in 
 such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and 
 they rolled together downstairs ; while my mistress 
 swooned away with fear ; and her daughter asked if I 
 intended to murder her ? I gave her to understand, 
 that nothing was further from my intention ; that I 
 would leave her to the stings of her own conscience, 
 but was firmly resolved to slit her husband's nose, 
 whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity. 
 
 Then going downstairs, I met Lavement coming up 
 trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky 
 behind, armed with his sword, pushing him forward. 
 I demanded a parley, and having assured them of my 
 pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, " Ah ! villain ! 
 you have killed my dear wife." And the apothecary 
 cried, "Ah! coquin ! vere is my shild ?" "The 
 lady," said I, "is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will
 
 Deserted by Friends 155 
 
 a few months hence, I believe, reward your concern." 
 Here she called to them, and desired they would let 
 the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about 
 him. To which request her father consented, observing, 
 nevertheless, that my conversation was fort mysterieuse. 
 Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left 
 the house immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, 
 with an intention of clearing myself to him, and asking 
 his advice with regard to my future conduct ; but, to 
 my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the 
 country, where he would stay two or three days. I 
 returned with a design of consulting some acquaintances 
 I had acquired in my master's neighbourhood ; but my 
 story had taken air, through the officiousness of the 
 servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe 
 me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity 
 of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than 
 ever : for though I had been formerly as poor, my 
 reputation was without blemish, and my health unim- 
 paired till now ; but at present my good name was lost, 
 my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body 
 was infected by a distemper contracted in the course of 
 an amour, and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield 
 me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where. 
 
 The first resolution I could take in this melancholy 
 conjuncture, was to remove my clothes to the house of 
 the person with whom I had formerly lodged, where I 
 remained two days, in hopes of getting another place, 
 by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made 
 no doubt of being able to vindicate my character ; but 
 ' in this supposition I reckoned without my host, for 
 Lavement took care to be beforehand with me, and 
 when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the 
 schoolmaster, t found him so prepossessed against me, 
 that he would scarce hear me to an end ; but when I 
 had finished my justification, shook his head, and
 
 i 5 6 
 
 Roderick Random 
 
 beginning with his usual exclamation, " O Ch — st ! ' : 
 said, " That won't go down with me. I am very 
 sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned 
 in the affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for 
 the future. I will trust no man from henceforward — 
 no, not my father who begat me — nor the brother who 
 lay with me in my mother's womb. Should Daniel 
 rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor, 
 and were the genius of Truth to appear, would question 
 its veracity." I told him, that one day it was possible 
 he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered, 
 and repent of his premature determination. To which 
 remark he answered, the proof of my innocence would 
 make his bowels to vibrate with joy ; " but till that 
 shall happen," continued he, " I must beg to have no 
 manner of connexion with you — my reputation is at 
 stake — O my good God ! I shall be looked upon as 
 your accomplice and abettor — people will say Jonathan 
 Wild was but a type of me — boys will hoot at me as 
 I pass along, and the cinder-wenches belch forth 
 reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin — I 
 shall be notorious — the very butt of slander and cloak 
 of infamy." I was not in a humour to relish the 
 climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued 
 himself in all his discourses ; but, without any ceremony, 
 took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror 
 which my situation could suggest. I considered, how- 
 ever, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must 
 in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous cir- 
 cumstances ; and with that view hired an apartment in 
 a garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of ninepence per 
 week. In this place I resolved to perform my own 
 cure, having first pawned three shirts to purchase 
 medicines and support for the occasion. 
 
 One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing 
 upon the unhappincss of my fate, I was alarmed by a
 
 An Unforeseen Meeting 157 
 
 groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine, 
 into which I immediately ran, and found a woman 
 stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any 
 visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle 
 to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and 
 she opened her eyes ; but, good heavens ! what were 
 the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be 
 the same individual lady who had triumphed over my 
 heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably 
 joined ! Her deplorable situation filled my breast with 
 compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my 
 imagination, I flew into her embrace. She knew me 
 immediately ; and, straining me gently in her arms, 
 shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help increas- 
 ing. At length, casting a languishing look at me, she 
 pronounced, with a feeble voice, "Dear Mr. Random, 
 I do not deserve this concern at your hands. I am a 
 vile creature who had a base design upon your person ; 
 suffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a 
 miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in 
 a few hours." I encouraged her as much as I could ; 
 told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me ; 
 and that, although my circumstances were extremely 
 low, I would share my last farthing with her. In the 
 meantime, begged to know the immediate cause of that 
 fit from which she had just recovered, and said, I 
 would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more such 
 attacks. She seemed very much affected with this 
 expression, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, 
 saying, "You are too generous! — I wish I could live 
 to express my gratitude; but alas! I perish for want." 
 Then, shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another 
 swoon. Such extremity of distress must have awaked 
 the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion. 
 What effect, then, must it have had on mine, that was 
 naturally prone to every tender passion ? I ran down-
 
 1 5 8 Roderick Random 
 
 stairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist's shop for 
 some cinnamon water ; while I, returning to this 
 unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the means in 
 my power to bring her to herself. This aim, with 
 much difficulty, I accomplished, and made her drink a 
 glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits ; then I pre- 
 pared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which having 
 taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and in- 
 formed me, that she had not tasted food for eight-and- 
 forty hours before. As I was impatient to know the 
 occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to 
 understand, that she was a woman of the town by 
 profession : that, in the course of her adventures, she 
 found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to 
 which all her class are particularly subject ; that her 
 malady gaining ground every day, she became loath- 
 some to herself and offensive to others ; when she 
 resolved to retire to some obscure corner, where she 
 might be cured with as little noise and expense as 
 possible ; that she had accordingly chosen this place of 
 retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising 
 doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she 
 had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a 
 worse condition than that in which he found her : that, 
 except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or 
 sold everything that belonged to her, to satisfy that 
 rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her land- 
 lady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out 
 into the street. 
 
 After having moralised upon these particulars, I 
 proposed that she should lodge in the same room with 
 me, an expedient that would save some money ; and 
 assured her I would undertake her cure as well as my 
 own, during which she should partake of all the con- 
 veniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced 
 my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment ; and I began
 
 An Agreeable Companion 159 
 
 to put it in practice immediately. I found in her not 
 only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly 
 alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who 
 served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One 
 day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her 
 beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large 
 portion of each), could be reduced to such an infamous 
 and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute, — she 
 answered, with a sigh, "These very advantages were 
 the cause of my undoing." This remarkable reply 
 inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged 
 she would favour me with the particulars of her story, 
 and she complied in these words : — 
 
 tND of vol. 1. 
 
 MORRISON ANl> GIBB, PRINTERS, KDINHUKGH.
 
 CENTRAL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 University of California, San Diego 
 
 DATE DUE 
 
 vm 
 
 -6-^80- 
 
 MAR 2 1 1980 
 
 CJ 39 
 
 UCSD Libr.
 
 A A 000 294 272