8 ■tii&tiiiii THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES l/^C ^? hu THE YAHOO; A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. VELUTI IN SPECULUM. "From what I have gathered from your own relation." paid the king, "and the answers I have, with much pains, wringed and extorted ironi you, I cannot but conclude the bu k ot your natives to be the most perni- cious race of little, odious vermin, that Nature ever suffered to ciawl upon the surface of the earth."— Gulliver's Trartln. " My horror and astonishment are not to be described, when I observed in this abominable animal a perfect human figure." — Ibid. " Where knaves and fools combined o'ei all prevail." — Byron, 4A T^ovti; BOSTON: PUBLISHED BY JOSIAII P. MENDUM, A.T THE OFFICE OF THE BOSTON INVESTIGATOR. *± PREFACE BY THE AMERICAN PUBLISHER. This work first appeared in England, without name, per- haps because some of the allusions might be there consid- ered personal, and libellous. It was republished, in parts, in The Comet, a periodical long since out of print. A few copies were also for sale in octavo form, decently bound, but at a high price. These also have disappeared ; and if any remain, they will be sought after for the library, by those who wish to keep it in that form. The object of the poem is to ridicule the vices and follies of mankind, especially those of pride, oppression, hypoc- risy, or superstition ; and its tendency is, consequently, to elevate society ; while its merits as a poem, and its wit, are calculated to secure it a hearing, at the <*ame time, the philosophy, the learning, and the information amassed in its notes, must afford solid food for those who profess to have no appetite for poetry. Our object in reprinting it, is, not only to give it to the public, who are now deprived of it, but to give it in a cheap form, so that it may come within the reach of thousands who would otherwise never see it G. V. 534018 UBURI PREAMBLE. " O world ! buzzard world ! when wilt thou come out of thine in- fancy, and assume a beard, and a mind worthy of that beard ! Learn to despise long coats ; reject thy leaders and leading strings ; stand upon thine own legs ; be of age ; look round thee, and distinguish truth and freedom from restraint and disguised. — Dissertation upon Old Women. Thus apostrophized Thomas Gordon, a century ago ; and can we pronounce the " Buzzard" to be much wiser at pres- ent, and in a condition to cast off its leading strings and long coats ; or (to continue the metaphor) able to dispense with its go-cart and slavering-bib ! That the world is very- silly, considering its age, has been observed long since ; which, however, is not much to be wondered at, when we recollect what great care is taken to perpetuate ignorance, and eradicate from the mind of youth every natural and rational idea, and to substitute in lieu the most nonsensical and stupifying metaphysical jargon, by which the mind be- comes so contaminated,* that, under the name of religion, the horrible and cannibal idea of eating and drinking the " body and blood" of the deity they worship,! and to whom * "Sa conception ctait d'autant plus vive et plus nette, que son en- fance n'ayant point 6t6 charged des inutility et des sottises qui acca- blent la notre, les choses entraient dans sa cervelle sans nuage. — N'ayant rien appris dans son enfance, il n'avait point appris de pre- juges. Son entendement n'ayant point ete curbe par 1'erreur etait demeure' dans tout sa rectitude. II voyait les choses comme elles sont, au lieu que les idees qu'on nous doune dans l'enfance nous les font voir toute notre vie comme elles ne sont point." — L'Ingenu. f "And b^re we drink our Savior's blood." — Watts' Hymns. This is pretended to be only typical, had their sabres sharpened expressly for the butchery, and the distress and horror it might have been supposed would have excited general compassion among a people self-styled the very quintessence of humanity, and the true Christian milk of human kindness; but no I a yell of barbarous exultation was set up; and a cry of "served 'em right," was heard from Cornwall to the Ork- ney islands, among the genteel classes of toad-eaters and lick-spittles, in consequence of the bloodhounds receiving the thanks of the king for their heroic exploits.* A subscription was set on foot for the re- lief of such as survived, as well as for the widows and orphans of the murdered, and a few hundred pounds raised, principally by the "swinish multitude," in their clubs and societies; as it was consid- ered disgraceful in the quality line to contribute I Talk of British hu- manity! What compassion was shown toward poor Byrne, who was imprisoned and cruelly whipped, for accusing (and justly) a stinking beast of a bishop of an unnatural crime ; and who, afterward, when detected, got off, having a snivelling lord for his brother, as well as the interest of the Church, who do not like such affairs to be brought to light before the daddies of the lord. Humanity 1 1 Who ever inter- fered in behalf of Mrs. and Miss Carlile, and Mrs. Wright, while suffer- ing in loathsome prisons, for their integrity and virtuous advocacy of truth ? Who commiserated the dreadful state of the unfortunate Og- den, when expiring in jail under the torments of a rupture f Did not the spouting cock of the walk set the whole kennel of collectives in a roar of laughter, by adverting to the sufferings of the "revered and ruptured" Ogden? — Humanity 1 Pshaw! Twaddle! Fudge! Old Nick is humane to his favorite imps, no doubt * This horrible tragedy, commonly called the Manchester massacre, which was promoted and directed by two parsons, was discussed in the upper kennel (house of lords), whan 150 most noble lords voted their approbation. 8 PREAMBLE. " Whatever is, is right," is the cry of the kennel, conse- quently there can be nothing wrong ; and when a convict swings off in fine style from the new drop, are they not assured by the Rev. Mr. Diddleum, that after they have repented of their sins, and received absolution, they will mount up to the regions of bliss, be welcomed by the angel- ic host, and occasion great rejoicing in heaven 1* Does not this prove incontestably that " all is for the best," and that " whatever is, is right ?" "The man whose soul the blackest vices taint, For heaven's glory makes a damned good saint" Peter Pindar. "Repent then all ye rogues, ye'll be forgiven, And give the saints a holiday in heaven." And surely we must acknowledge this to be a most con- soling, as well as an encouraging doctrine for thieves and cut-throats, who ought to felicitate themselves on being the humble instruments of so much merry-making, when they are dismissed by John Ketch, Esq., with a hempen collar of their order round their necks, as a passport for kingdom- come, of which no doubt they are not a little proud upon their arrival, and swagger away like evangelicals of the first water.f Let us, therefore, sing to the praise of the Lamb, and his head-spouter Paul, and the blessed doctrine of "jus- tification by faith, and atonement for sin," so admirably cal- culated for the spread of wickedness, and the knowledge- box of the intelligent Yahoo !J * "I say unto you, that joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons which need no repentance." — Luke xv. \ It is a common saying among felons, that, " when the worst cornea to the worst, they can tip the devil a Redesdale, and get white-washed by the parson at the gallows." \ " To make the entrance sure for rogue or thief, As well as him who lives by honest means, Our hero so arranged his belief, That even the rogue, provided that he gaint Both faith and grace, shonld stand the better chance, As all his previous sins would but enhance " His worth in heaven ; at least we're often told, That o'er repentant sinners by the saints PREAMBLE. V But although *' all is for the best," and everything under the superintendence of Divine Providence, without whose permission a sparrow cannot fall to the ground (as the spiritual Jack in a box assures his assinine audience at the Fudge-office), yet so little reliance is placed on the asser- tion by the poor bewildered Yahoo, that he is incessantly worrying the great Jehovah to change his immutable de- crees to gratify some selfish or ridiculous whim, notwith- standing his drawling whine of "thy will be done." One asks for an east wind, while another wants a west, &c— And when we consider that the Turks are all bawling and screaming on Friday, the Jews groaning and grunting on Saturday, and the Christians snivelling and psalm-singing on Sunday ; and that, in the intermediate days, the Esqui- maux, Catabaws, Winnebagoes, Otaheitans, Hottentots, &c, are all hard at it, howling and bellowing out Divine service in their way, one can not help thinking that the situation of the great Jehovah, so far from being desirable, would not be accepted of in exchange by his dark-skinned antagonist in the cellar, provided he was obliged to continue superin- tendent of the two-legged grubs called Yahoos ; and, that the latter has the least harassing and unpleasant employ- ment of the two, especially as he can take an airing when he pleases, and even trot up stairs on levee days, strutting about like a crow in a gutter, and gossipping with the great Jehovah " en famille." — Job i. Those " whom the Lord loveth he chastiseth," we are told, " and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth ;" there- fore the more we are drubbed the more thankful we ought to be, and the more convinced of his loving-kindness ; but, unfortunately, we are sometimes at a loss to ascertain whether it is by the rod of the Lord, or by that of the Devil, the stripes are inflicted, as the latter was permitted to give poor Job, who was an " upright man and feared the Lord," a confounded whacking ;* so that it seems the Lord punish- " There is more joy, by near an hundred fold, Than o'er the virtuous souls, of whom complainta Had never reached the gods: — this was a bribe, A fine inducement for the sinning tribe !" Prize Poem on St. Paul * Poor Job! he might well lament that he " came out of the belJy. —Job. iii. 10 PREAMBLE. es us for our wickedness, and the devil for our good quali- ties ! Bravo ! This is being between anvil and hammer with a vengeance ! But if all's for the best, and every- thing right, why should we grumble ? If we are to be bundled into hell, let us eat our pudding, and hold our tongues, and make the best of a bad bargain ; it's all what pleases the Lord, or it would not be, and we ought to thank God for everything — as an old woman used to be contin- ually telling her unlucky cub of a grandson, who one day came running in crying, " Don't you say we should thank God for everything, granny?" — "Yes, to be sure, my dear," says she. " Well then," says Dick, " I've tumbled down with the basket of eggs you bid me carry to Goody Grump, and they're all smashed." — " You unlucky brat," cries poor granny, " I've a good mind to lug your ears." — " Why, I thought," cries Dick, " we were to thank God for everything ; but that's not all, for our cow's dead, and is lying on the common ; so there's something else to thank God for, besides the broken eggs, granny." " To live in society," says an intelligent writer, " we must sympathize with it ; but no sympathy can subsist between the knaves and fools, who are playing the game of ' make- believe,' and quarrelling over the stakes, and the person who sees through their trickery, and despises its objects. There is no disguising from the cool eye of philosophy, that all living creatures exist in a state of natural warfare ; and that man (in hostility with all) is at enmity also with his own species — man is the natural enemy of man ; and society, unable to change his nature, succeeds but in estab- lishing a hollow truce, by which fraud is substituted for violence. The honestest and the boldest man must hide a good half of his thoughts, if he would not be lodged be- tween four walls, or interdicted ab aqua et igni. He who has not the courage to encounter a mass of evil, must pass through life with a bridle perpetually on his tongue. He must hear with a becoming gravity the words honor and patriotism proceeding from the lips of pollution — he^ must hold law to be synonymous with justice, persecution with tolerance, general pauperism with national prosperity, priest- craft with piety, and plunder with loyalty and religion." Hobbes affirms the state of nature to be a state of war ; PREAMBLE. 11 and in what does that of civilized life differ, except that r is carried on under a masked battery 1 One Yahoo will always covet the luxuries and superfluities of another, of which he. is himself destitute (whatever he may pretend to the contrary) in spite of the interdictions of Porteusian bibles,* or canting tracts of " Christ and a Crust," &c, with which he is gutted till the gorge rises, and but to little pur- pose.! Commandments from the Decalogue may be sol- emnly mouthed out by the priest, forbidding the Yahoo to covet his neighbor's goods, and children told that they must not hanker after the cherries or toys of their playfellows ; all which are as scrupulously attended to, and with as much effect as proclamations would be by hungry mastiffs, forbid- ding them to covet each other's horse-flesh. And is not the same selfish or envious disposition shown even in factitious wants ; one Yahoo of the higher class, will envy another who has obtained permission from the master of the puppet- show, to paint a fool's bauble on the pannels of his booby- hutch, or 6titch it on the corner of his mucus wrappers and scullion's dishclouts, to which he thinks, he has a better pretension himself. * The Yahoo, it seems, is now ashamed of the filthy language of hia holy bible, which is at present filtering through ecclesiastical strainers to clarify it for the Godly 1 This is at least an indication of a spread. But is it not to be lamented that the emasculated parts, or luscious ex- uberances of the Holy Scripture (to say nothing of the castration of Gibbon and Shakspere), should thus be lost? Would it not be ad- visable to collect and publish them under the title of, " Tit- Bits for Godly Gormandizers" as a kind of spiritual Lamb's fry? (we now can furnish a penny list for selection) for the benefit of delicate ladies, who might thus learn, among other holy matters, on what account ad- mission was refused to the "congregation of the Lord." — Deuter. xxiii. The time is undoubtedly approaching when this nauseous and disgusting book will be carefully excluded from every decent family; in spite of the parsons, who are working night and day, like devils upon a mud wall, to support it That such demoralizing trash should be considered as essential to the poor Yahoo's salvation, affords a de- cided proof of the superiority of his intellect, so much boasted ofl \ The report of the committee for inquiring into the cause of the increase of commitments and convictions in London and Middlesex, states, that notwithstanding all we hear of schools, and the progress of education, juvenile depravity was nevar so unlimited in degree, or so deperate in character. — Southey's Colloquies. 12 PREAMBLE. "All envy power in others, and complain Of that which they would perish to obtain. — Churchill." And, as was observed by Sir Robert Walpole, that by obliging one friend, he was certain to create a dozen en- emies. Such is the loving-kindness of Christian Yahoos to each other, though taught to love their neighbors as themselves ! but they are all tarred with the same brush, and play the same game in their turn. Some author has observed, that it is to be lamented, the great Jehovah, after proving the incorrigibility of the Ya- hoo race, by sousing them all (with the exception of eight, whose offspring proved no better), like so many puppies in a horse-pond, and smiting, and " swearing in his wrath," did not create a fresh batch, free from the defects of their Adamite progenitors,* instead of sending his only begotten Son as a sacrifice, in company with a ghost (one to milk a ram and the other to hold the pail), and all for what ? Cui bono ? for although the said ghost fills the paunch, or the sconce, no matter which, of every reverend prig to this very day, and without doubt inspires him to sputter forth his God- ly jabber ;t the poor Yahoos remain lost muttons, and con- tinue to be trundled wholesale and retail into the tithe-barn of the OLD ONE. But is it not very extraordinary and inconceivable, that the only begotten Son, aided by the ghost, and under the guidance or superintendence of the Father, in their soul- saving mission, sent expressly to take away the sins of the world, should have succeeded no better ? Three to one, * Much crime and misery would have been avoided in this " best of all possible worlds," if the great Jehovah, when he dabbed up the Ya- hoo, had clapped a bell or clicker within him, which should have given the alarm whenever he told a lie. There would then have Been but little want of law and gospel. f This ghost, it appears, first exhibited himself "as the sound of a mighty rushing wind" — an odd way for a ghost! — and settled in the shape of "fiery cloven tongues" on the jobbernols of a set of lazy lubbers, who, instead of minding their fishing-tackle and leather- dressing, went about the highways Mawworming. But, how do the parsons of the present day contrive to get so full of this ghost, by whom they affirm they are called on to spout? We see no "fiery tongues" on their lumber-garrets, though we hear them from their mouths denouncing hell-fire to all unbelievers, and such as dare to pry into their holy pilfering mysteries. PREAMBLE. 13 they say, are odds at foot-ball ; and who could suppose in such a contest they would come off second best, and leave the grim fiend triumphant, to snap his black fingers, am? laugh at their ineffectual efforts to rescue the Yahoo from his clutches (which they themselves admit, and to con- tinue in his career, " Going about like a roaring lion" [oh, that it were a Picadilly one, that we might laugh at its bray- ing !], and seeking whom he may devour. But " why Goramity no kill debil V as Friday said to his master, " Goramity all good, all strong !" Ah, why, in deed ! poor Crusoe was sadly puzzled, and wished he had a bishop at his elbow to answer the poor ignorant savage. Whence has the ugly rascal so much power 1 Is it not as- tonishing, after the repeated attempts of the Lamb & Co. (Goramity's delegates here on earth), to rescue the poor Ya- hoo from debil's claws, by bugaboo visitations, bible-poring, tract-snuffling, and hymn-singing,* as well as by catechizing, churching, confirming, and parsonizing in every way pos- sible, that he should still continue in a state of sin ? Is it with filthy lucre and the " mammon of unrighteousness" that Satan lures the precious soul of the Yahoo from the narrow to the broad way, which leadeth to the bottomless pit? Yea, verily it looketh very like it, for that the Wick- ed One knoweth full well to be a never-failing bait, and holdeth it up before the peepers of such as are not strong in the Lord Jesus ; even as the recruiting sergeant holdeth up a shiner to tempt the bumpkin to cast aside his smock- frock, and become a gentleman. And when do our spirit- ual pastors and masters, who are eternally croaking about *The following is a specimen of the Godly cat-lap the saints regale the Lord with in their gospel shops : — " What is now to children the dearest thing here f To be the Lamb's lambkins, and chickens most dear. Such lambkins are nourished with food that is best; Such chickens sit safely and warm in their nest. And when Satan at an hour, Comes our oliickens to devour, Let the children's angel say, These are Christ's chicks, go thy way." Southey's Life of Wesley. See more of this stuff in the Bath Guide, p. 57 ; with an excellent parody, p. 129. 2 14 PREAMBLE. the depravity of the heart, and the corruptive quality of riches, ever renounce them if they are possibly come-at- able ? " Tant que la fortune, les honneurs, et le vice seront d'un cote, la pauvrete, l'abandon, et la vertu de l'autre, le choix des hommes ne sera pas douteux. On pourra vivre dans le vice, sans vivre dans l'opprobre, on pourra meme se perdre pour une bonne action : mais il y aura un culte pub- lic, et ce culte fleurira au milieu des mauvaises moeurs, corarae un plante parasite sur un tronc pourri."J " If our tongues correspond with our hearts," says Dean Swift, " men will avoid our company, because their faults will not be complimented ; and if the heart and tongue do not agree, we must certainly have a very mean opinion of ourselves, if we have the least notion of honesty ; never- theless it is so necessary in life, that it has become an art. He that can make his countenance applaud an object, though his heart despises it, is what is called a well-bred man, a po- lite gentleman, and one who knows the world." The following petite ouvrage was composed at different times, from observations of the prevailing follies and vices, and irrational conduct of the lords of reason ; the greatest part many years since, as may be supposed by the allusion to Master Betty, the Cock Lane ghost, &c. It was not intended for the press, but written merely as a matter of amusement, in a profound retirement, far from the metropo- lis, and is now brought by accident before the reading pub- lic for their recreation in this " march of mind," and "spread of intellect" era ; not with any view to profit, as may readi- ly be imagined, but rather in the full persuasion that by ninety-nine out of every hundred of the enlightened and intelligent Yahoo race, the author will be consigned to the fiery lake of the Black Prince. This must naturally be expected : very few are pleased when their vices and ab- surdities are held up to derision ; especially their darling superstitious practices of hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo, and fee-faw-fum ; that being by church logic a " sin against the Holy Ghost," and never to be forgiven. The Odium The- otogicum, which, as Mr. Lawrence justly observes, is the * Letter from the Marquis de Rivarol to M. Necker. PREAMBLE. 15 "most concentrated essence of rancor and animosity," is sure to be vomited forth against all such productions as militate against their usurpations, and expose their moun- tebank jugglery ; for the same reason that policemen are execrated and fired at by a banditti of thieves when molest- ed in the exercise of their profession. This indeed is not to be wondered at, agreeing with Square's " rule of right and fitness of things." Caw me, caw thee, and vice versa, curry me, curry thee. But there is another tribe whose malevolence is conspic- uous upon such occasions, who are paid, as well as the former class, for the venom they spit forth, and whose slan- der and scurrility is directed against every one whose prin- ciples are suspected of being inimical to the u powers that be," whether of the Lord Jesus or of the Lord of Hell, who, as, Lord Byron observes, "feed by lying and slandering and slake their thirst by evil speaking," who skulk in the dark, and like a hydra, or many-headed monster, begin hissing and barking at those who express disapprobation of the follies and vices of the higher orders,' many of whom are notorious for their apostacy, and obtain laureateships, and monuments in cathedrals,* from their direliction of truth The great Moralist, or Rex porcorum, it was confidently reported, during the American war, and soon after he "changed his coat, and would have changed his skin" (as Lord Byron says of the laureate), was engaged in drawing up inflammatory addresses to the negroes in the Southern states, instigating them to set fire to their master's plan- tations, and go "over to the British army, where they would be protect- ed and rewarded! At that time Edmund Burke, one of the chiefs in the gang of apostates, was such a violent enemy to royalty, that he proposed in the collective a reduction of the kingly power, even in the article of guttling 1 And in later days, have we not Wat Tyler staring us in the face, among other barefaced instances of sop-in-the-pan hunt- ers I who have totally disregarded character and principle? But "The silver turnip's tempting skin, Draws such base hogs through thick and thin." Or, as Churchill observes, "Convinced, I changed (can any man do more? And have not greater patriots changed before?) ; Changed, I at once (can any man do less?), Without a single blush, that change confess; Confess it with a manly kind of pride, And quit the losing for the winning side." 16 PREAMBLE. and principle ;* possessing supple " wha wants me" sort of consciences, and who are ready for any dirty work at the nod of their employers : such have hissed and barked at Gibbon, Dr. Wolcot, Horace Walpole, Lady Morgan, Lord Byron, and other writers of distinguished abilities ; but they are paid for their work, and it's all one to such hire- lings whether they labor in the Lord's vineyard or the devil's. That we live in a vitiated age (notwithstanding the so much boasted " spread and stream of intellect"), and that a general corruption has taken place, and rendered morals a laughing-stock, is notorious and universally admitted ; but then we are blessed with a superabundance of godli- ness, alias cant,f to qualify it and make amends : every pious swindler now can let off half a dozen gospel squibs in your face, about Paul's snipping off a bit of poor Tim's trapstick,J and such holy stuff, and give you chapter and verse, like Cuddy's mother in the " Tales of my Landlord," while he is drawing the watch or handkerchief out of your pocket. " Such is the modern apostolic race, Reformed, regenerated rogues of grace — Who sigh for heaven, yet God in Mammon see, And pick a pocket on the suppliant knee ; One eye to God, lamenting moral evil, The other winking down upon the devil : One voice to Heaven, 'To good my heart incline!' And one in whispers, 'Satan, I am thine 1'" feter Pindar. And to the same tune singeth Nic,§ " Non vi e bisogna che tu abbia tutte le qualita, che ho detto [religion] ma sol- amente che tu mostri di averle." And again, in speaking * "Oh, for a world, in principle as chaste As this is gross and selfish ; over which Custom and prejudice shall bear no sway, That govern all things here, should'ring aside The meek and modest truth, and forcing her To seek a refuge from the tongue of strife In nooks obscure, far from the ways of men." — Cowper. f It is rather remarkable that all official ecclesiastical documents, hatched and cuddled into shape at Lambeth, should be signed by the grand humbug, cant! It is a curious coincidence, and certainly very appropriate. % Acts of the Apostles, xvi. § Machiavelli. PREAMBLE. 17 on the same topic, he observes, "Ma quest'ultima qualita e quella che importa piu di ogni altra di avere esteriormente .'" This is instruction for a prince ! Cant and kingdom come, for ever ! Amen. The Yahoo race consists of two classes, the bamboozlers and the bamboozled ; the cry of the latter (of the lowest class) is " Gin and Jesus," while that of the upper class is " Church 'and State," with a " let well alone." The motto of the knowing ones is, " Si populus vult decipi decipiatur ;" i. e., " If humbugged thus the people choose to be, Why, let 'em, since it brings the chink to me There's none so blind as those who will not see." " Oh, Dio mio !" said a recent pope, after giving the apos- tolical blessing to fifty or sixty thousand persons from the balcony of St. Peter's church on Easter Sunday, the troops gaping to receive it, and the multitude all on their marrow- bones, the cannons roaring and bells jingling, " Oh, Die mio ! quanto e facile di coglionare le gente !"* The mob who stand gaping at the cup and ball juggler, are as much delighted as Mr. Lickpenny, who pockets their contributions ; as Hudibras observes — " Doubtless the pleasure is as great In being cheated as to cheat." Reading Public, shouldst thou relish the above pream- ble, en avant, there's more sour krout for thee, and buov pro vi faccia. * Forsyth's Travels. * 2* AUTHORITIES. " For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts, even one thing befalleth them, as the one dieth so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath, so that a man hath no pre-eminence above a beast; all go unto one place ; all are of the dust, and all turn to dusfi again." — Eccles. iii. "For the dead know not anything, neither have they any more a reward." — Ibid. ix. "Nevertheless, man being in honor, abideth not; he is like the beasts that perish." — Psalm xlix. "So he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more. He shall return no more to his house." — Job ix. 'So man lieth down and riseth not till the heavens be no more, they shall not awake, nor be raised out of their sleep." — Job xiv. "He shall perish for ever like his own dung." — Ibid xx. "We are all as an unclean thing."* — Isaiah lxiv. " What is man that he should be clean ? how much more abomina- ble and filthy is man f" — Job xv. "For the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youtn. — Gen. viii. "The heart of man is deceitful abova all things and desperately wicked." — Jesus. " Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly? For now should I have lain still and been quiet; I should have slept; then had I been at rest." — Job iii. "Understand, ye brutish among the people; and ye fools, when will ye be wise?" — Psalm xciv.f "Every man is brutish by his own knowledge." — Jeremiah li. I * What that is may be found out in Deuteronomy xxiiL t Never while they read bibles. THE YAHOO. "De tous les animaux qui s'elevent dans l'air, Qui marchent 6ur la terre, ou nagent dans la mer, De Paris au Pcrou, du Japon jusqu' a Rome, Le plus sot animal, a mon avis, c'est 1' homme." — Boil«au> " Could I but choose what flesh and blood I'd wear, I'd be a dog, a monkey, or a bear ; Or anything but that vain animal, "Who is so proud of being rational." — Lord Rochester So sung Boileau, when Louis, styled the Great, Kept up his court of profligates in state : So Wilmot sung in Charles's vicious reign ;* And is there now less reason to complain ? The race is much improved we're told — 'tis true ; It is improved — in vice, and folly too :f From bad to worse, whatever is pretended, As ale that's sour in sultry weather's mended. The present " all-accomplished" Yahoo breed, May boast their " spread of intellect," indeed : The " best of education" now's the word From tripe and dog's-meat venders, to my lord : But does this lacker change the Yahoo's nature 1% * "His court, the dissolute and hateful school I Of wantonness, where vice was taught by rule." — Cotoper f " Such now are held as nothing. — We begin "Where our sires ended, and improve in ain ; Rack our invention, and leave nothing new In vice and folly for our sons to do." — Churchill. % "The boasted knowledge of England," says a certain apostate, "has not sunk deep ; it is like the golden surface of a lackered watch, which covers, and but barely covers, the base metal. The great mass 20 the yahoo: Is he not still the same vile, silly creature ? The " spread of intellect," so much his boast, Is but leaf-gold spread on a rotten post. Polish'd he may be, varnished high enough, But still 'tis ornament on paltry stuff. Can a Sir-rev. ... be fragrant made By stirring it about with marmalade ? " Then just as much you'll mend the breed," says Quin, To Jerry Melford, with malicious grin.* But what says Swift ? — " Oh, dear !" Miss Dawdle cries, " That filthy parson's writings I despise ; Such poor, low, vulgar stuff, is never read By quality, or such as are well bred."t Your pardon, Ma'am, a few lines from the Dean, Multum in parvo, tells you what we mean. Swift tells us then, a cook once tried to make A certain something into a plum-cake ; He mixed it up with eggs, and plums and spice, And candied orange-peel, to make it nice ; of the people are as ignorant, and as well contented with their ignor- ance, as any of the most illiterate nations in Europe ; and even among those who might be expected to know better, it is astonishing how elowly information makes way to any practical utility." — Letters from Spain. * " But when I appealed to Quin, and asked him, if he did not think such an unreserved mixture (of the higher classes with the lower at Bath) would improve the whole mass? — 'Yes,' said he, 'as a plate of marmalade would improve a pan of Sir-rev .... ce.' " — Humphrey Clinker. f The works of Swift, Smollett, Fielding, Gay, and even Pope, in consequence of the vast "spread of intellect," are at present consid- ered as low and vulgar, and unfit for the perusal of persons genteelly brought up, as it is termed, who by everlasting poring over the nov- elties of the day, larded with "dove-like eyes, long silken eye-lashes, graceful attitudes, sylph-like forms, exquisitely fine-formed limbs, graceful bendings over and sweeping the strings of the harp," iile : Features so horrid, were it light, Would put the Devil himself to flight" See Tlie Ghost. * " Laughter itself is half immoral ; Pardon a thought that seems severe." — Might Thoughts. 40 THE YAHOO : That sublunary pleasures tend to evil,* And lead backsliding sinners to the Devil? Hence Holy-Bible grubbers quail and quake, Scared at the " wrath to come," and " fiery lake ;" Hence saints have all such sad Good-Friday faces Peepers turn'd up, long jaws, and queer grimaces: If singing psalms with godly spunk o'erflowing, They sing as if they to the Drop were going. (Whether the Lord loves music there's no saying, But sure he can not love such asses' braying! Such lullabies, tho' meant to compliment him, And to his " praise and glory" must torment him ; When their vile snuffling, dismal strains he hears No doubt in haste he buttons up his ears.)f All day by old Scratch haunted, in a fright They go to bed, and dream of hell at night. The " sinfulness of sin" so much prevails,^ They think the Devil's always at their tails. § * "When pleasure's seized, compute your mighty gains; What is it but rank poison in your veins?" — Young's Satires. B^f~ So sings this sanctified, wo-stricken son of the church, who, nuder the heaviest denunciations against worldly pleasures, and the sin of participating in them, hunted after "filthy lucre," and the "mam- mon of unrighteousness," with the greediness of a dragon. See a curi- ous letter of the Rev. Doctor's, in the whining way to Lady Suffolk, (when Mrs. Howard,) in The Mirror, No. 78: and also his toad-eating blarney to Silly Bub,* Sir Roberty Walpole, the Duke of Dorset, Of mixing toad and blood of bat together Win grease scrap'd from the gallows in hot weather, And putting in, with other filth to stew, " Turk's nose, frog's toes, and liver of a Jew." Then stirring it nine times to brew up trouble, Or in their jargon, " make the hell-broth bubble." Is it a wonder hags and ghosts affright, When such bombast is spouted every night ?* Then while the hags sink down before his eyes, To see Macbeth gape up toward the skies, And give amidst his " start, and stare, and stagger,"t A flying leap to catch the "air-drawn dagger!" But Banquo's ghost's the thing, when pale as death, He up the trap-door pops to scare Macbeth ; With visage grim, and stiff about the crupper, He squats down with the quality to supper: While they with wonder at each other stare, To hear such ranting at an empty chair : He's raving at the ghost (which they don't see), And cries, " Don't shake your gory locks at me." Since superstition rules the Yahoo most, There's nothing for the parson like a ghost ;J While he can keep his noodles in a fright, With ghosts and devils, all will go on right. Is it a wonder, then, that such a scribe Should be a fav'rite with the humbug tribe ? That Shakspere copied Nature is the cry ; But Nature may be copied in her sty : * See Beauchamp's excellent Analysis, 192. \ " And strut, and storm, and straddle, stamp and stare." — A line in Cowper's Task, describing players. J Every person endeavors to inculcate a belief in ghosts and witches, as tending to perpetuate fear and ignorance, their grand and only sup- porters. Crabbe confesses their utility, and classes unbelievers with ruffians in the true spirit of Christiftn charity. "Each village inn has heard the ruffian boast, That he believ'd in neither God nor Ghost" — Parish Register. All which is riveted by the blessed Jew boob, where Samuel's ghost ia adverted to as a knock you down argument, if you demur. 6* 66 THE YAHOO : As Voltaire once remark'd by his derriere. Which, though 'twas Nature, he wrapt up with care. ; a win :el, £ 3ll !" ) Does Nature prompt Othello's blackguard roar — * " Villain, be sure you prove my wife a whore !"t To murder Desdemona, and then tell, In language Billingsgate can not exc( " She's like a liar gone to burn in hell ! And can such ribaldry, such vulgar stuff Give pleasure ? yes, 'tis Shakspere's — that's enough ; To find fault with his plays is petty treason ; We must not bring them to the test of reason : They're meant, like other precious stuff, for cramming in The Yahoo's empty pate without examining. Who'd sit to hear such trash as Cymbeline, Were it not Shakspere's ? then its very fine ! How poor Iachimo must sweat and fume, Coop'd in his box, while in the lady's room ! * See the excellent remarks upon this Blackamoor's rant in Rymer's " Short View of Tragedy," and also on the absurdities of Shakspere's Julius Ccesar. f The following lines are in part extracted from the Epilogue to the Clandestine Marriage. A party, after quitting the card table, begin discoursing on the plays of Shakspere: — Sir Pa? k Ma- "King Lare's touching! and how fine to see honey. Ould Hamlet's ghost I To be or not to be What are your op'ras to Othello's roar! Oh, he's an angel of a blackamoor 1 Lord Minum. What> when he chokes his wife f Col. Trill. And calls her whore I Sir Pat. King Richard calls his horse, — and then Macbeth, Who talks of murder till he's out of breath! My blood runs cowld at every syllable ; Lord Min. And then he spies a dagger — Col. Trill. That's invisible! Sir Pat. Oh, botheration ! how could he suppose A bloody dagger dangled at his nosef And jump to catch it! Col. Trill. Had it been a dagger He might have cut his thumb! Lord Min. And spoil'd his swagger." [All laugh. See an excellent burlesque of this Tom-a-Bedlam foolery in the " Rejected Addresses." A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 07 Suppose, while button'd up for this strange frolic, He had been troubled with the windy colic ! How the poor lady in her bed must funk At hearing loud explosions in the trunk ! Next Shylock comes, a cannibal old Jew, Who claims a pound of flesh, by bond his due. No words his savage rancor can assuage, He brings his weights and scales upon the stage ; Then whets his knife to cut it in the sight Of Christian Yahoos, to their great delight * Behold King Lear, who raves in his oration, For musk to sweeten his imagination.! Why, what has tainted it ? the reader cries ; Ask ladies, who praise Shakspere to the skies. See Hamlet's hair (or wig) stand bolt upright.J Like quills upon the porcupine, with fright ; His daddy's ghost comes all in armor drest — (A queer ghost's jacket it must be confess'd) : " Angels," he cries, " and ministers of grace," In horror at the phantom's powder'd face : But when the bugaboo down stairs has got, He cracks his jokes with it — his fright's forgot ; And while the spectre underground cries " Swear!" • Says, " Ha ! old Truepenny, what, art thou there ?" * How such horrible and disgusting stuff can be delighted in is as- tonishingl It serves, however, to keep up animosity, and exasperata oue class of citizens against another, by which they are all more easily managed and kept in subjection. Divide and conquer is the grand - tine qua non of all governments. f "Down from the waist they are centaurs, tho' women all above; but to the girdle do the gods inherit, beneath is all the fiends. There's h e ll — there's darkness — there is the sulphurous pit, burning, scalding, stench, consumption : fie, fie, fie : pah, pah : give me an ounce of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination!" There's a neat, gen- teel speech for royalty to spout \ The tragedy performers in Pope's time wore enormous Caxons; Cibber tells ua his jasey cost him forty guineas! " what made the people stare? Cato's great wig." 68 THE YAHOO : These are rough sketches of our fav'rite plays, That yield such raptures, and obtain such praise : From such choice specimens of Shakspere's pages, Is it a wonder Shakspere-mania rages ? Such fustian hodge-podge, hatch'd from childish tales, Where ghosts and hags, and mummery prevails. Are well adapted for a Yorkshire fair, To make clodhopping bumpkins grin and stare : But in this boasted intellectual age, To bring such trumpery upon the stage ; In London, too, the seat of art and science, To set all common sense so at defiance ! To puff " th' immortal bard" up to the sky,* Shows Yahoos are but babes, tho' six feet high; And that 'tis raree-shows they most delight in, With Punch and Judy and the Devil fighting. Survey the biped race in ev'ry state, The rich, the poor, the vulgar, and the great ; In what class or condition can we trace, The " little less than angel" in the race ?f * No manufacturer of bombast, or rattle bladder trash, has ever been so wonderfully puffed up or extolled as Shakspere. But as poor Saneho observes, "There's never a why but there's a wherefore." By the vampire tribe he is held up as a prodigy, from the great service he has rendered them by his personifications of ghosts and phantoms; and by the Yahoos in general, from his having beplastered them so neatly ! " Caw me, caw thee ;" but hear him, as they cry in a certain kennel, when any honorable gentleman is speaking nonsense. "What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! [Is not thia ironical? Reason, and whitewashing with lamb's blood, do not well assimilate.] How infinite in faculties; in form and moving how express and admirable; in action how like a god! the beauty of the world ; the paragon of animals!" Bravo, the divine bard. He does the thing handsomely, and dabs it on pretty thick, but it all sticks. The Ya- hoo's vanity has stomach for it all. No wonder, after such a luscious lollypop they should dub him divine, and so incessantly bellow forth his wonderful knowledge of human nature. Blarney for ever! f It is much to be regretted that Pope has not explained to us what angels were. It would have amused us to know how they spend their time when they have done singing and trumpeting; whether they fly about with their goose wings stuck on their shoulders, what are their wants, and how they are gratified ; whether they eat and drink, &c. ; and whether, if they do, it all transpires in ambrosial perspiration; or whether there's a necessity for a "wha wants me?" — See Martinus Scriblerus, chap. 1. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 69 But what are angels ? lubbers with goose wings ! What nonsense a great poet sometimes sings. See the poor sailor dragg'd out like a dog, To murder, or be murdered for king Log.* On board a floating-hell he's hauled to fight.t And neither knows nor cares who's wrong or right : J He takes his quid and grog, and damns his eyes, Till by a chain-shot cut in two he dies. Or see the martial hero glory seek, Urg'd on by fame and eighteen-pence a week :§ * "I own," says Chesterfield to his son, " that I have a great regard for king Log." \ Black floating hells was the name given by the Americans to our men-of-war, during the Revolution, — in which they so happily suc- ceeded. \ Copenhagen and Navarino, for example. § "Ou trouver des hommes qui pour 5 ou 6 sous par jour affrontent dans les combats, la mort, ou les maladies, s'ils avoient le sens com- mun." The pay of the Russian cut-throats is about 2s. 6d. per month. — See Erasme de la Folie, p 45. " One to destroy is murder by the law, And gibbets keep the lifted hand in awe; To murder thousands takes a specious name, War's glorious art, and gives immortal fame." — Young. For a true history of the Yahoo in all his brilliancy and godlike he- roism, the reaper is referred to the description of the battle between the two frigates, in Lieutenant Smith's "Sailors and Saints," where he is is delineated in the full indulgence of his butchering propensity, covered with gore and glory. Surely the Yahoo must smell of blood in the next world, if he is not well scoured with the soap-suds of re- generation, and purified by the "new birth unto righteousness." "What can the Devil want such bloodhounds for?" Mais taisez-vous — they're jolly tars. "The cunning of mankind," says Arbuthnot, "never exerts itself so much as in their arts of destroying one another." — See Swift's Brob- dignag, chap. 7, where their ingenuity in this particular is well de- scribed. " Les plus honnetes gens apprirent a compter parmi leurs devoirs celui d'egorger leurs semblables ; on vit les hommes «e massacrer par milliers sans savoir pourquoi." — Rousseau. " For soldiers, if they thought aright, Would all ns soon be damn'd as fight For kings, who, when they've lost a leg, Will hardly give 'em leave to beg." — Homer Burlesqued. 70 THE YAHOO : With colors flying they all march in order, Told by the parson " killing is no murder." Thousands of strutting godlike Yahoo heroes March out to fight, to please two royal Neros ; Who wallow in their styes, while these train'd brutes Are sacrificed to settle their disputes ; And when one half are killed, the other boasts How much they're succor'd by the " Lord of Hosts." One side Te-deums sings, and so does t'other;* The Lord has help'd king Log, and king Log's brother.f " God's images" by thousands are at once Kill'd oS\ to please a " Lord's anointed" dunce ! A dunce anointed ! Can legitimates Have, like their stupid subjects, wooden pates? Yes ; blocks alike, they're tutored all by priests ;§ The only difference is, they're royal beasts : Their skulls are stuffed the same with fee-faw-fum, With hocus-pocus, || hell, and kingdom-come. But still such monarchs, tho' with wooden nobs, Are suited best to wooden-headed mobs,Tf * * "That like the Briton and the Gaul, Both sides may sing, and roar, and bawl, Te Deum, tho' for nought at all ; And tell the Lord a cursed lie, That both have got the victory." — Homer Burletqued. •f In all epistolary correspondence between the Lord's anointed, they always subscribe themselves royal brothers. % "Killed off" was the usual laconic unfeeling answer of Mr. Wind- ham, then secretary-at-war, when questioned as to the great deficien- cies in the returned skeleton regiments from America. A proof how heroes are appreciated when they can no longer stand to be shot at §" Malheur aux nations qui confient l'education de leur citoyens aux pretres," says Helvetius. "Beaucoup mieux vaudroit nc leur en donner aucune." To which may be added the observation of Gold- smith — " The countries where sacerdotal instruction alone is permitted, remain in ignorance, superstition, and slavery." H A corruption of " hoc est corpus meum," a part of the sacrament gabble: for the consolation of idiots, alias Christians, who make no doubt of being hugged in Abraham's bosom if they chew a bit of the Lord's body, by way of quid, to comfort themselves with, as they jog along from "this ere world to that ere." ^f " How goes the mob ? (for that's a mighty thing), When the king's trump the mob are for the king." — Dryden. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 71 Who roar and stretch their ell-wide jaws, and sing For any royal dolt, " God save the king !"* It matters not, tho' made of rotten stuff, If he's the " Lord's anointed," that's enough. f A jackass, 'dizen'cfout in robes of state, Let an archbishop but anoint his pate, And dub him sacred, soon would be ador'd — The Yahoo mob would hail him " sovereign lord :" Most humbly they'd profess themselves to be The vassals of his gracious majesty ;% A lubber only fit the crows to scare, Or carry guts to feed a hungry bear : Clap but a tinsel bauble on his sconce, His imperfections vanish all at once ;§ He's God's viceregent, and by right divine Can at his pleasure flog his herd of swine. The Jews, we're by the Lord's lieutenant told,|| Worshipp'd a calf, that Aaron made, of gold ;H * "Well, if the king's a lion, at the least, The people are a many-headed beast." — Pope. f "What the Lord sends us surely must be good, Although 'tis but a piece of rotten wood." — Pindar. \ If any one of these sacred noodles vouchsafed to open his royal mouth, whatever he utters must be gracious, forsooth I Yes, most gracious, although it should be a recommendation to a gang of para- sites to strip the last shirt from off the backs, and the last penny from the pockets of his loving, swinish subjects, to enable gingerbread-gilt trumpeters to wear laced jackets at £70 a piece ! Is there neither shame nor common sense anywhere but in America? § " Prendi uom rozzo e comun, fanne un monarca, Tosto il favor del ciel sopra gli piove; Tosto divien di sapienza un'arca ; Nella testa di lui s'alloggia Giove: Decide, ordina, giudica: un oracolo Tutto a un tratto divien : pare un miracolo." — Casti. | Moses is so designated by Hobbes. ■([ " And I said unto them, whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off; so they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf." — Exod. xxxii. "And he [Moses] said unto them, Put every man his sword by his side, and ge through the camp, and siay «very man his brother, and every man his companion. And they did 72 THE YAHOO : For which, as in the holy book 'tis written, Three thousand of the snipcock race were smitten, While Aaron 'scap'd ! Just as in modern times, The great remain unpunish'd for their crimes.* But do not Christian Yahoos every day , To golden calves their adoration pay ?f The gin-drench'd rabble always will adore* The titled, lordly crew, who keep them poor it With equal admiration they all stare At Spain's doll-dresser,§ or a Russian bear ; Or hug a filthy, stinking Cossack, || rot 'em, And run to hell to kiss a royal bottom.^ so according to the word of Moses ; and there fell of the people that day about 3,000 men."— Ibid. "And the Lord plagued the people, because they made the calf which Aaron made."— Ibid. This is as clear as mud ; bnt the ghost in many instances, seemed a thick-skulled one at inditing. * "Small rogues in hempen ropes oft swing, While great ones gain a red silk string: The trade is learn'd in half an hour, To spare the rich and flog the poor." — Homer Burlesqued. f " Fools that we are, like Israel's fools of yore, The calf ourselves have fashion'd we adore: But should true reason once resume her reign, The god will dwindle to a calf again." — Churchill. % " The dustman in his cart that hourly slaves, Drawn by an ass, the partner of his toils, Is far superior to such titled knaves, In coaches glitt'ring with a nation's spoils." — Pindar. § This truly pitiable " Lord's anointed" amused himself, during his captivity in France, in working muslin petticoats for a wooden doll, called the Virgin Mary I A specimen of royal intellect | The savage who came to exhibit himself after Bonaparte's defeat in Russia, when thousands went to gape at him in Hyde Park, and other public places, as a prodigy. TT " E quei : fu giusto ognor creduto e detto, Che il suddito al sovran la zampa lecchi Di dipendenza in segno e di rispetto; Ma se la zampa a far leccar ti secchi, Farti altre parti anche leccar tu puoi: Tutti ti leccheran quel che tu vuoi." — Oasti. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 73 Whoe'er would witness folly's highest sport, Let him behold a collar-day at court :* Whoe'er would see Tom-fools, may here find plenty ; For one they'll see elsewhere, they'll here find twenty. See " king-at-arms," in all their buckram state ! What stars and ribands on the childish great !f What illustrissimos and excellencies ! Hung round with colored strings, to please their fancies ! What lacquer'd puppets ! what a raree-show !J Are these the " Tiddydolls" to whom we bow ? See Lady Squab among the doll-drest group ! Is that a Yahoo with that monstrous hoop ? The upper half preserves the likeness still, The lower has been thro' the flatting-mill. Use reconciles us to such uncouth shapes, Or we should laugh to see such human apes. What starch-phizz'd poker-back'd, fine dukes and lords ! Lisping their pretty namby-pamby words ! This nincompoop's dubb'd royal — that serene ;fy But what does such slop-dawdle nonsense mean? How do these lordships, highnesses, and graces, Refrain from laughing in each other's faces ? * A collar-day is a festival when the knights wear their collars of SS. round their necks as ornaments. — Bailey. f "L'opinion et le prejuge viennent a bout de faire passer pour una decoration honorable, les signes les plus pue>iles, et les plus ridicules." — Du Marsais. X "You must renounce courts," says Lord Chesterfield, "if you will not connive at knaves and tolerate fools; their number makes them considerable." " But how, my muse, canst thou refuse so long, The bright temptation of the courtly throng? The most inviting theme : — the court affords Much food for satire; it abounds in lords." — Young. § " Ce monde est un grand Bal, ou des Fous d^guises, Sous des risibles noins d'eminence, et d'altesse, Pensent enfler leur etre et hausser leur bassesse." — Voltei~t. "Hast thou, Sun, beheld an emptier sort, Than such as swell this bladder of a court; Such painted puppets, such a varnished race, Of hollow gewgaws, only dress and face I" — Donne. 7 74 THE YAHOO : Such things that glitter like gilt gingerbread, Should be with pap,* or else with kava fed.f 'Tis strange that those who manage court affairs, Should not provide them clouts and cacking chairs. Yes, this parade forms all the courtier's joys : This royal baby-house of dress'd up toys.J Lord Fartlebury ; Duke of Puddledock ; Prince Cacafogo ; Countess Dillicock; Lord Nincompoop ; Sir George Golumpus Grub ; Veldt Marshal Hoggsgutz ; Lady Trullibub ; Count Snickasnee ; Lord Fudge ; Prince Potowouskin ; Baron Bumfodder ; Monsieur Mouschkin Poushkin ;§ Lord Blath'rumskate ; Earl Swipes ; Count Doodledoo ; Madame Caca-du-Dauphin Baisemoncul ;|| The Rev'rend Noodle Doodle Dunderhead ; The Honorable Simon S . . . abed ; And Co. ; for of them there's a numerous pack ; But these may serve as samples of the sack. Lo ! grandeur gives a feast : Oh, all ye gods, Who peep down now and then from your abodes ; * " folly, worthy of the nurse's lap, Give it the breast, or cram its mouth with pap." — Cowper. f Kava is a liquor in high estimation in the South Sea Islands, and is almost the exclusive beverage of the kings and royal tribes. It is made from the root of the pepper-tree; which, after being chewed by the natives, and the juice spit into a large bowl, is diluted with water." — See Cook's Voyages. J " Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, Glory to Tom-foolery — huzza, huzza I" — Rejected Addresses. It is hardly possible to caricature this childish stuff, or give an outre description of such full-grown babyism. Swift speaks of a tiddidol assemblage, where he was introduced. The queen (Brandy Nan), he says, stood in the middle of the circle, simpering and biting the edge of her fan ; and looking, like an idiot, by turns at the drest-up dolls, who were standing all round the room like so many images. § The name of the Russian ambassador thirty or forty year^ ago. | The dresses worn by all the ladies of rank and fashion some years ago, in that sink of vice and folly, Paris, were actually of this delicate color, at least as near as the dyers could match it — out of respect to the royal excrement. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 75 Say, had ye ever up stairs in the sky, Aught in the guttling way with this to vie ?* Tho' at your sumptuous banquets with your goddesses, Ye sat so cosy, without breech or boddices ;t When were ye at your gormandizings able To sport a river on your dining-table T Where, all amongst the gold and silver dishes, Shoals could be seen of gold and silver fishes ! And all alive ! — not like fish-fag's sprats, , Fit only to be given to the cats. m Yes, all alive ! though childish it may seem, And bona fide swimming in the stream: While noble lords and ladies, in amaze, Upon the river and the fishes gaze. " What taste !" cries Lord Fopdoodle ; " c'est unique !" * At Carlton House, some years ago. f The celestials were certainly very deficient in this respect, as many of them were nearly in querpo at their grand assemblies, where the Hebe3 and Ganymedes handed the nectar about When breeches came first, in use, is not exactly known. Moses was permitted to see the back parts of the great I am; but we are not informed whether breeched or not. Adam is said to have worn green breeches; but that is meant merely as a witticism. Neither can we suppose Mister Noah wore in- expressibles, as in that case there would have been nothing for his son to have laughed at The "man after God's own heart" was evidently bare about the dock, when he kicked up his heels and capered before the ark; since his wife ragged him for exposing his tackle to the maidens, and for which he said they would honor him.* That proph- ets were also of the sans culotte order is notorious; since Isaiah, one of the most celebrated, tramped about three years with his buttocks bare: not to mention many other instances in the holy Jew book. Homer speaks of breeches where Dr. Macshane attends the poor cuck- old who is wounded in the posteriors by an arrow: since he tells us, "The arrow's head, and greasy leather Breeches, both came off together." — Iliad, book 4. But whether the word gubmuh, in the original means breeches or not, is disputed ; the learned disciples of the profound doctors, Pair and Porson, differing in opinion: some asserting the true meaning to be f — ting crackers; others insist on a — e-case being the genuine transla- tion ; while a third class of deep etymologists are equally positive that galligaskins is the true signification of the Greek word. "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" And thus must this important matter be left. — Ignoramus. * And of the maid-servants which thou hast spoken of: of them shall I be had in honor. — 2 Sam. vi. 76 THE YAHOO : " Par Dieu !" exclaims Lord Froth, " c'est magnifique !" " C'est bien joli !" sputters out another, And one tom-fool still echoes to his brother. The ladies too, while munching up their dinners, Ask if the fish are pricklebacks, or minnows? For those who were not near the river's brim, Could not see how the little fishes swim,* And frisk, " and vaggle all their pretty tails :"t Not to please " baby Charles," but booby Wales ! Oh, grand celestials! Jupiter and Co., Say, had ye ever such a raree-show ? The " Lord's anointed" used, in times of old, To keep a fool to laugh at, as we're told ; But now so many fools of lords are made,}: Tom isn't wanted — they have spoiled his trade. Provided with so choice a tom-fool train, To keep an extra fool would be in vain ; With titled fools 'twould be mere waste of money — Tom-fool at court's like sugar-sauce to honey. Yet Tom's the most diverting ; courtly fools Are dress'd up dolls, who speak and move by rules ; Drill'd, strutting things, who scorn all mirth and jokes, And never sport a grin like vulgar folks : Laughter their buckram grandeur would destroy ; That way the " mob express their silly joy."$ * From the very crowded assemblage it may be supposed many of the ladies of quality were too distant from the margin of the river to peep in and ascertain the quality of the water animals. f " Teazing made easy." \ "Nature exclaim'd with wonder — 'Lords are things, Which, never made by me, were made by kings.' " Churchill. § "Loud laughter," says Chesterfield, "is extremely inconsistent with good manners: it is only the illiberal and noisy testimony of the joy of the mob at some very silly thing." And to the same tune sing- eth Lord Froth : " There is nothing," says this noble lord, " mora un- becoming a man of quality than to laugh: it is such a vulgar expres- sion of the passion ! Everybody can laugh." — See the Double Dealer. Even Bob, the doctor, since his apostacy, has affected the conse- quence of these high-born prigs, and joined the smirking coxcomb A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. tf Grand fools are stuff'd with « manieres and graces," Which surely make amends for vacant faces. Of all the stupid follies brought from France, The most disgusting is the " minuet" dance. The poor automaton, with silly face, Sprawls round its arms and legs, and calls it grace! Now here, now there, affectedly it swings, And seems a toyman's doll, on wheels and springs. A glorious feat to swell the Yahoo's pride, . By which he's so completely monkeyfied !* Oh, Chesterfield, thou most illustrious scribe ! First fiddle of the a-la-pvppy tribe ! *. The world must surely deem it a disaster, That thou wert not brought up a dancing-master ; The prince of capering coxcombs, great Marcel,f Could not have taught the " graces" half so well ; Altho', like thee, he studied bienseance, And was a true-bred Fribble, born in France. How hast thou wrote, and wrote again, about it, Thu' a respected Hottentot did flout \t.% With trash like this didst thou take wondrous pains, To cram thy son's skull with, instead of brains. How didst thou scribble letter after letter, But never found poor Phil§ a jot the better : F or — oh, ye gods, 'tis shocking to relate, When at a dinner-party, in grand state, He ate his cherry pie, then licked his plate !|| tribe in their contempt of every thing vulgar. "Laughter," he ex- claims. " is a plebeian emotion ; nothing beyond a silent and transitory simper should be indulged in by the refined ranks V'—Omniana. One should suppose the laureat was ironing us, as Mrs. Slipslop terms it * Alfieri said he never could be taught by a French dancing-master, •whose art once made him shudder and laugh. "If we reflect," says Mr. D'Jsraeli, " that, as it is now practised, it seems the art of giving affectation to a puppet, and that this puppet is a man, we can enter into this mixed sensation of degradation and ridicule." \ A celebrated dancing-master at Paris. \ Lord Chesterfield's appellation of the great moralist § Philip Stanhope. 1 Said to be a fact 7* 78 THE YAHOO : Such are " God's images" among the great ; The " lords of reason," puff'd with wealth and state. But take your specimens from Mutton-lane, Or Rotten-row,* and then be proud and vain. Search Billingsgate, Saint Giles's, and Rag Fair, And say what angel-forms you meet with there ; View them in dens where poverty prevails, Or perishing in hospitals and jails ; See the poor cinder-sifter's filthy rags, And chimney-sweepers, with their sooty bags ; A prey to squalid want, disease, and vermin, (And thousands there are such for one in ermine). Do these poor wretches, who eat husks like swine, Display the boasted " rruman face divine ?"f Are " godlike heroes" found in their abodes 1 O no ! 'tis wealth makes Yahoos demi-gods ; Of godlike qualities the poet sings, But then they appertain to lords and kings. Oh, what a blest, soul-gifted, sky-born race, Sweeps in " God's image," and in Mudlark's grace ! In scavengers you " lords of reason" meet ; Vociferating " dust-ho" through the street ! " Creation's lords" divinely play their part, And lift the fragrant bucket to the cart ; In spite of filth, immortal souls you trace, Which glitter through the dirty shirt and face ; And though they stink, and have Tom dmen's looks, They'll in the next world all be lords and dukes. | Inflated Yahoo ! boast your blessed state, Millions in rags and dirt — a few styled great ;§ * Dens of misery in the vicinity of Clerkenwell, which, with Chick- lane and Black-boy Alley, will be in all probability swept away by the proposed new street from Fleet Market to Islington. f Paradise Lost. \ " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heav- en." — Matt. v. 3. § Lord Byron has observed, that the world (speaking of England) seems only made for a few thousands called quality, or rank and fault- ion, as the West-enders are denominated. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 79 But still they've so much feeling for each other, My Lord Duke owns the Sweep his Christian-brother : And though the poor are fed with fee-faw-fum, They'll get a greasy chin in " kingdom-come." Who would not give five pounds to treat a lord ? Though for a single peach, 'tis not absurd : But give five shillings to the poor for bread, Oh ! that's disgraceful — up stairs they'll be fed, And here perhaps it may not be amiss, To add a fable in parenthesis ; A proverb even, if it comes in pat, As Sancho tells the Don, is verbum sat. A fox once met an ape, as iEsop says, And chatter'd as they used in former days ; When, after compliments, the ape thus cried — " I wish, kind sir, you'd peep at my backside : You'll own I've little reason to be glad, Considering my rump's so poorly clad. I haven't got a tail that's worth a rush, While you've a superfluity of brush ; And could you but a little morsel spare, To cover my poor buttocks, now so bare ; I certainly should take it very kind, As then I should be comme ilfaut behind." " God zounds !" quoth Reynard, flying in a passion, " An ape, forsooth ! and would be dress'd fox-fashion ! . A very pretty joke for plebs like thee To dizen out, and think to rival me ! No, no, my brush may trail along the ground, But not an atom of it shall be found To decorate the riff-raff, my inferiors ; Much more to hide a stinking ape's posteriors " This fable to the Yahoo may apply, As any one will see with half an eye ; " Id est," if he has " quantum suff." of brain : And now we'll to our moutons* turn again * Rabelais. 80 THE YAHOO : Folly and vice by turns the Yahoo rule, Sometimes the knave prevails, sometimes the fool. Actions that often are considered good, Base would be found, the motives understood:* His life's a counterfeit, a masquerade,! And cant and rank hypocrisy a trade. With artificial phiz he acts a part, And all through life his tongue belies his heart :J " Volto sciolto," says my lord to Phil,§ " Ma pensieri stretti," mind that still. His character completely would you know, Read Swift, and Mandeville, and Rochefoucault.|| Observe yon black-dress'd Yahoos, what grimace ! Mirth in the heart, and sorrow in the face What signs of woe, crape hat-bands, solemn walk, Exteriors dismal — hearts as light as cork.H * "All the virtues that have ever been in mankind," says Swift, 'may be counted upon a few fingers; but their follies and vices are innumerable, and time adds hourly to the heap." And what says bro- ther parson of the present day? "The world and almost everything in it are capable of being abused by man, whose corrupt propensities are continually leading him to poison the sources of his own happi- ness." — Sumner. f "Our life is a false nature — 'tis not in The harmony of things." — Byron. % Nous aurions souvent honte de nos plus belles actions, si le monde voyait tous les motifs qui les produisent." — Rochcfoucall. § See " Lord Chesterfield's Letters to his Sou," to qualify him for the beau-monde. \ The proceedings of the good, honest church-going Yahoos toward each other, are truly described by Mandeville in the story of the two sugar merchants, letter B in the Fable of the Bees, verifying the Italian proverb, "Con Arte ed Inganni si vive il mezzo anni; Con Inganni e con Arte si vive l'altre parti." "What think you," says Horace Walpole, "of the cruelty and vil- lany of European settlers; but this very morning I found that part of the purchase of Maryland from the savage proprietors (for we do not massacre, we are such good Christians as only to cheat), was a quantity of red lead and a parcel of jews'-harps."— Walpole't Corre- spondence. " Ovunque il guardo osservato tu giri, Scortieatori e scorticati miri: Gl'imbelli il forte, ed i babbei lo scaltro, E insomma ognun che puo, scortica l'altro." — Casti. Tf " Heredis fletus sub persona risus est." A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 81 A gouty friend (oh, what delightful luck), Has left the world, and left him all his muck. Heart-broken they must seem, and in a Jone Of whining, tell you of their dear friend gone. In sables then they're deck'd from top to toe', That every one their great distress may know : And while in canting strain they seem to grieve, (What mockery) they're laughing in their sleeve* But the grand farce is when a monarch dies — A butch'ring Harry, or a George the wise ; A royal Tiger, or a royal Neddy ; No matter which, the scutcheons are got ready ; The carcass lays in state, with mutes and lights ; For loyal subjects love such pretty sights. Crushing each other's ribs in crowds they go, Though full of grief they long to see the show. And when the royal carrion's in the tomb, The undertaker's garb they all assume ; The grov'ling crew throughout the royal nation, Show outward signs of inward lamentation. At church, at play-house, and at public shows, The " lords of reason" all as black as crows, Look as if Nick had shook his soot-bag o'er 'em, 'To make them like himself — for blacVs decorum. Hence Latitats and Parsons when they clack, Out of respect to Nick, are dress'd in black; For though these long-robed gentry all pretend To hate Old Blackey, he's their dearest friend. (Were Yahoos free from vice they would not want The lawyer's jargon, or the parson's cant).f * "In all civil societies men are taught insensibly to be hypocrites from their cradle. Nobody dares to own that he gets by public calam- ities, or even by the loss of private persons. The sexton would be stoned should he wish openly for the death of the parishioners, though everybody knew he had nothing else to live upon." — Search into So- ciety, 402. May not the same be said 6f doctors and physicians, who profess to be very glad when they meet their friends and acquaintance in good health? f "Why were laws made, but that we are rogues by nature,"-— Shakspere. After all the blarney of the immortal bard about the Yahoo's perfec- 82 THE YAHOO : ; Tis true, they call him dragon, serpent, shark ; But then they shake hands with him in the dark. Now Old Nick's black in grain, a knowing prig, Who hides his horns and tail with gown and wig ;* And meeting with young Chipf (the Lamb) one day, He whipt him on his back, and flew away : Then in a wilderness for forty days,| He tried to diddle him in various ways ; With promised kingdoms, if he would adore him, And boo respectfully, and fall before him ; But Chippy, though a Lamb, was not a flat, For through the gown and wig he smelt a rat, So neither made a leg, nor doff'd his hat ; But cried, " I smell your brimstone, Master Nick ; You're after playing me some shabby trick : Don't think with your palaver you can blind me, But hold your jaw, my cock, and get behind me."§ Ben Johnson says, that Beelzebub an ass is,U Though for a conjurer with fools he passes ; And sure he proved himself a Johnny Raw, To let young Chippy thus slip through his paw : tions, who would have thought he would have let the cat out of the bag, and like the Satyr in the fable, " blow hot and cold with the same mouth." * "To hinder him from being known, He borrowed parson Squintum's gown; These kind of robes, his godship knew, Hide rogues the best, and roguery too." Homer Burlesqued. ■)■ The carpenter's son. % "Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil; and when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered. Again the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and showeth him all the king- doms of the world and the glory of them: and saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me." —Matt iv. § " And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan." — Luke iv. J Comedy of "The Devil's an Ass." A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 83 And after, when, as Christian creeds all tell, He had him three days in his claws in hell ; Yet, like a blockhead, let him scamper out, When he a treaty might have made no doubt. With such a first-rate prisoner in limbo, He might have strutted with his arms a-kimbo : Not only haggled for his liberation, But have released his staff for their damnation ! Yet who can judge for this proud cock 1 they say, That every one has some odd whim or way. " De gustibus non disputandum est," He might think his warm corner much the best ; Where he could smoke his pipe, and swill his toddy, Nor longer care a fig for any body. He had had trumpeting enough before, Blasting and puffing till his throat was sore ; And now preferr'd, bored with their " holy, holy," The Bumble-puppy game, and Rolly-polly. But this is all digressive — we'll go back To where we talk'd of Yahoos wearing black. Young Chip it seems smelt Nick, and didn't mind him, But snubb'd him well, and bid him get behind him. While to commemorate this dire event, Christians wear charcoal-colored clothes in Lent : Nor dare they then taste any luscious dish, But snuffle grace o'er parsnips and salt fish ; While on Black Friday, by saints nick-nam'd Good, Buns, gallows-marked, are deemed soul-saving food :* Till penance over, Easter brings delight, And then they gorge and guzzle day and night. Thus six months past (the grieving time requir'd For kings), the Yahoos of their black get tir'd ; The mockery no longer is display'd — They then find out that " it makes bad for trade," * Notwithstanding the spread, and the stream, and march of intellect, and the so much boasted enlightened age, there is scarcely a family in England in which this superstitious and degrading mummery is omit- ted on what is called Good Friday, when the streets resound with the cries of Hot Cross Buns ! But hogs delight in garbage. 84 the yahoo: Besides, although he was the " best of kings," They're not to fret their guts to fiddle-strings. So grief adieu — a royal chamberlain Says, " Neddy's put your gaudy's on again." TV obsequious herd, impatient of delay, Resume their fripp'ry, and as larks are gay, Proud to show off in this lickspittle farce, And mourn a Nero, or a royal ass. In black, or colors, still they're strutting seen, Puff'd with conceit, and proud of being mean. For, though it seems a paradox, 'tis true, The self-same Yahoo's mean and haughty too ; With vices opposite, he's doubly curst, " Meanness that soars, and pride that licks the dust." Observe that buckram'd, whisker-jawed, queer thing, He's called a " lord in waiting" to the king ; And when his majesty's dispos'd to stir, This thing sticks to his crupper like a bur : Whether the monarch marches fast or slow, Just the same pace this lackey-lord must go ; And at the play-house, when the king goes there, Skip-kennel stands upright behind his chair: Scarce daring, while he stands in stiff-rump'd state, To turn from side to side his empty pate : Abject, yet proud, a mixty-maxty thing; But very fit to wait upon a king. Among the court-gang crawling like a toad, A three-tailed bashaw in his own abode : An abject reptile in the drawing-room ; At home the tyrant's manner he'll assume : A very Bobadil, a Bully-back ; But when at court, he sails on t'other tack : Booing and cringing, none so mild and meek, Not brother Bruin then, but Jerry Sneak. God made man in his image, parsons teach, When Old Nick came next day and kick'd his breech; And, being " maitre Charlatan," alas ! Soon got God's image bundled out to grass. ■■<> : « A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 85 For he was in a garden placed at first, Till by the snake's contrivance he was curs'd. (The quomodo has been before related, Where madame Eve was found to be soft-pated). And claiming still the Yahoo as his prize, This devil-snake we now apostrophize. O, thou infernal omnipresent dragon !* A mighty feat it is for thee to brag on, To gull a naked nincompoopish couple, By coaxing them to eat a bit of apple. Thou sooty, smutty, worst of bugaboos, Who's at the Yahoo's heels where'er he goes ; Whether call'd Old One, Nick, or Scratch, or Devil, 'Tis thou that dost incline his heart to evil. Not only hast thou dosed him well with pride, But most of thy good qualities beside. Had it not been for thee, thou ugly toad, This world of ours had been a snug abode ; But since thou trottest night and day about, In ev'ry corner poking thy damn'd snout, The Yahoo's never safe, but ev'ry minute Finds something wrong, and cries " the devil's in it." The Lord, we're told, once cramm'd thee in thy den, Then, who the devil let thee out again ?t But 'tis no use for us to growl and grumble, If fated, in thy clutches we must tumble. Does not the saint of saints, the frenzied Paul,J * Would not the omnipresence of the black monarch, since he in universally acknowledged as a Ubiquitarian, be an excellent subject for the pen of an evangelical fustian scribbler? \ "To credit such idle whims," says the Indian, "is an affront to the great Spirit, as it charges him with authorizing mischief, by beinsj the direct author of all the disorders and wickednesses in the world, by suffering the evil spirit to get out of hell." — Lahonton's Voyage. \ "How little did those people think, who saw The first appearance of this crooked lout; "Who saw this same disturber of the law, When first from town to town he rov'd about 8 86 THE YAHOO : Insinuate that we're predestinated all * From birth, the chosen few aloft to go, The many sous'd into the pit below ?f The sheep elected, all cram'd up to heaven ; The goats rejected, down to hell are driv'n.l But let us leave this jargon to the schools : To rev'rend prigs who dub each other fools. They'll solve such mysteries beyond a doubt, And where there is no meaning, find one out ; Prove that it's dark at noon, and light at night. And tho' all's wrong, " whatever is, is right." Prate about " trees of life," and " trees of knowledge," (Else wherefore go such loggerheads to college), § What Paul saw when he up to heaven was skipping; And why he mags so much on You'll see a score of " reason lords" together, Smoking the " devil's weed"* in sultry weather ! Stark blind to Chesterfield, and all his graces ,f They puff out clouds in one another's faces : Each adding to the vile, infernal smother, As if they meant to stifle one another ! If sulphur was but added to the smell, It justly might be call'd a little hell.| Oh, Jammie, Jammie ! what would'st thou have said, If thou had'st seen a hell like this displayed 1 Thy hair, no doubt, would at the horrid sight, Have push'd thy cap off, and stood bolt upright ! Tho' for a Solomon thou once didst pass, Thy proper title should be Royal Ass. To write and rail against the devil's weed, Proves thee an ass in grain, of long-ear'd breed. * So called by King James, the first crowned lubber who was dub- bed "sacred." \ "Remember the graces, for without them "ogni fatica e vana." — Adieu: "Les graces, les graces." — Chesterfield's Letters. ± "Surely smoke becomes a kitchen much better than a dining- chamber, and yet it makes a kitchen oftentimes in the inward parts of men, soiling and infecting them with an unctuous and oily kind of soot, as hath been found in some great tobacco-smokers, that after their death were opened." — K. James's Counterblast to Tobacco. "What a yast traffic is drove, what a variety of labor is performed in the world, to the maintenance of thousands of families, that alto- ther depend on two silly, if not odious customs — the taking of snuff, and smoking of tobacco; both of which, it is certain, do infinitely more harm than good to those who are addicted to them." — Mande- ville's Search into Society. " Pass where we may, thro' city or thro' town, Village or hamlet of this merry land, Tho' lean and beggar'd, every twentieth pace Conducts th' unguarded nose to such a whiff Of stale debauch, forth issuing from the styes That law has licens'd, as makes temp'rance reel. There sit involv'd, and lost in curling clouds Of Indian fume, and guzzling deep, the boor. The lackey and the groom ; the craftsman there Takes a Lethean leave of all his toil ; Smith, cobbler, joiner, he that plies the shears, And he that kneads the dough ; all loud alike, All learned, and all drunk." — Cowper. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 103 Couldst thou not guess that when thy subjects smoked, Unless supplied with swill, they'd soon be chok'd ? And that a petty tax upon malt liquor, Would bring some millions into thy exchequer !* And millions, all must own, are charming things, To swell the pockets of poor needy kings. Nor should the Yahoo's gambling be forgot, The sure resource of every knave and sot. Thousands of males and females spend the night, In shuffling packs of cards — their dear delight! All sorts, all classes, are engaged in play, And so deprav'd, they shun the light of day. 'Tis now a master vice, and thrives so well, That every house is, more or less, a " hell." Not for low gaming, they scorn petit jeu, 'Tmust be piquant, or else it will not do. Hence Crockford's dashing palaces arise, To lure rich fools, and dazzle greenhorn's eyes ; Where gudgeons are urged on to make a dash, By sharks who diddle 'em, and get their cash. Yes, these are " reason's lords," the strutting race, Who boast their form divine, and heav'nly grace ! Their faculties perverted, prove their curse.f And what was bad before, they make still worse. * The sums produced to the revenue hy taxes upon the swill of the Yahoo surpasses belief. With the additional one of tobacco, which appertains as a stimulus to drunkenness, the amount is from ten to twelve millions per annum 1 No wonder so many sot's holes are seen in every direction. "The excise is fattened with the rich result Of all this riot, and ten thousand casks For ever dribbling out their base contents, Touch'd by the Midas finger of the state, Bleed gold for ministers to sport away." — Cowper. \ "But when a creature pretending to reason," my master said, "could be guilty of such enormities, he dreaded lest the corruption of that faaulty might be worse than brutality itself. He seemed, there- fore, confident, that instead of reason, we were only possessed of some qgality fitted to increase our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns the image of an ill-shapen body, not only larger, but more distorted." — Swift. 104 THE irAHOO: To make their own affliction more secure, Establish laws of primogeniture ; By which my lord brings up one cub in state, And leaves the rest to curse their ragged fate. Then, lest Old Nick should envy their condition, Add to their other curses Superstition !* The first deprives them of their daily bread, The latter damns them after they are dead.f Not all the plagues Pandora's box let out, Which ever since to curse us, swarm about, Are half so bad as what these purblind elves, These " lords of reason" bring upon themselves.^ Some say the Fates, indeed, like ill-spun toads, Send us all plagues and troubles by cart-loads. $ That block or hammer we are doomed to be ; Thump or be thump'd 's our wretched destiny : * "La superstition," says Helvetius, "est une source empoisonnee d'ou sont sortis tous les malheurs, et les calamites de la terre." f The heavy curses of primogeniture and superstition stick to the poor Yahoo like a pitch plaster, and keeps his snout to the grindstone to the end of his existence. By the former he is kept, from the ex- treme inequality of property it occasions, in a state of servitude ap- proaching to slavery and starvation ; and by the latter (called religion) rendered an idiot, fed upon moonshine, and cajoled out of the good things in this world, upon an assurance of receiving a hundred fold in another, from a juggling tribe of impostors, who know no more of an- other world than the beagles they tally-ho with, or the fox they so heroically gallop after, and whose motto ought to be that on the sun- dial — "ignoro quod doceo." The Yahoo, however, in return, is re- warded with the prosing of a "jack in the box" about the wonderful dispensations and goodness of Providence, and gratified with the trumpeters' gaudy laced jackets, with which he ought to be satisfied: and say, as he does over his mutton, "the Lord make us truly thank- ful." \ " Moral evils are of our own making, and undoubtedly the greater part of them may be prevented." — Soul/ley's Colloquies. " I am convinced," says Lord Byron, " that men do more harm to themselves than ever the devil could do to them." "And feeble suff ' rers groan, "With brain-born evils all their own.'" § " And whatsoever we perpetrate, We do but row, we're steer'd by Fate." — Hudibras. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 105 Predestin'd all to good, or else to evil ; One to Jehovah, fifty to the devil. What, then, are Yahoos thus compell'd to be, The instruments of their own misery ?* Oh, no ! pride, envy, misery, and ambition, Have brought " God's image" to this sad condition. Greedy as death, the universal cry, Is gold ! more gold ! incessant till they die : And could they utter words when laid in dust, More gold! their livid lips would utter first. Drain Mexico of gold, bring all Peru ; Insatiate still, they howl for Timbuctoo. Gold is the god the Yahoos all adore ! There's no one criminal unless he's poor ! Should Christ himself but visit this proud town, And ride his ass in Broadway up and down, The present, though a Bible reading race, Would shun him, or else giggle in his face :f While one, perchance, among the happy crowd, To gratify the rest, might bawl aloud, (When they had twigg'd him through his glass) " God damme, Jack, here's Sancho on his ass ! Zounds, what a quizz !" — The belles, too, in a fright, Would tumble into fits at such a sight. For pelf they scramble, gold's the grand pursuit, For gold they'll ransack earth, and hell to boot ;^ Whatever's the pretext, that is still the aim ; The gen'ral cry is " chacun pour soi-meme." * "Why charge mankind on heaven their own offence, And call their woes the crimes of Providence? Blind ; who themselves their miseries create, And perish by their folly not their fate? — Doddsley. \ "They're now so proud, that should they meet The twelve apostles in the street, They'd turn their nose up at them all. And shove their Savior from the wall." — Churchill. \ "Hear London's voice — 'Get money, money still, And then let virtue follow if she will:' Still, still be getting, never, never rest."— Pope. 106 THE YAHOO : All pull and haul, and kick, and cuff, and grapple, The worst hog always getting the best apple. See Sir James Grub, absorb'd in deep-laid schemes, Gold haunts his thoughts all day, all night his dreams. Possess'd of half a million, still he's poor, And saves a penny to increase his store ;* Give him the hide and tallow for his pains, He'll whip a louse a mile, and boast his gains, In thrifty maxims he displays his wit, " Get what you can, and hold fast what you get." He'll tell you with an oily canting tongue, " Man wants but little here, and that not long ;"t Tho', from his griping, it appears As if he thought to live a thousand years. Did Adam in his garden covet riches ? Why zounds ! he wasn't worth a pair of breeches !J There were no " chapeaux-bras" for Mister Adam, Nor fringe, nor furbelow, § to deck his madam ! * "Sir James Lowther, after changing apiece of silver in St. George coffee-house^ and paying twopence for his dish of coffee, was helped into his chariot (for he was then very lame and infirm), and proceeded home: a short time after he returned to the house, on purpose to ac- quaint the woman who kept it that she had given him a bad half- penny, and demanded another in exchange for it. Sir James had about forty thousand pounds per annum, and was at a loss whom to appoint his heir." — Dr. King's Anecdotes. Montaigne observes, " De vray ce n'est pas la disette, c'est plutot l'abondance qui produit l'avarice." f The whine of every discontented growling Yahoo, although his factitious wants are gratified every hour in the day, and who requires the two extremes of the globe to be ransacked before he can sit down to his breakfast. \ "Time was, when clothing, sumptuous or for use, Save their own painted skins, our sires had none. As yet black breeches were not ; sath smooth, Or velvet soft, or plush with shaggy pile." — Cowper. § According to the old catch, however, the lady was provided with this ornament — "Adam cateh'd Eve by the fur-below; And that's the oldest catch I know." It does not seem probable, every thing considered, that Mister Adam A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 107 They never dreamed of concerts, balls, or routs, But wrapp'd their bottoms up in fig-leav'd clouts ;* Till great Jehovah made them skin surtouts.t That they might look more like their fellow-brutes. But what's this scramble for? what object's gain'd? Is real happiness thereby attain'd ? A million may be gain'd by negro gangs, Who groan beneath church-going Christians' fangs, Yet bring with it remorse, tho' juggling priests Say, negroes unbaptized are only beasts ; And pious rum-and-sugar dealing knaves, Prove from their Bible, " niggers should be slaves ;J Since Moses says, that Noah (an old Jew) Got fuddled now and then (as Christians do), would have spun out his existence to a much longer period (only 930 years) if the wicked one had not seduced his rib, nor he have munched the peepin, at least if we give credence to the Italian proverb— "Herba cruda, Donna ignuda, E dormir a piano terra, Manda l'uomo sotto terra." And what else could he boast of in his blessed state J * In an English Bible (1615) are the following words: "And they sewed up fig leaves together, and made themselves breeches." — Gene- sis iii. — See Hudibras. f "Unto Adam and his wife [did they jump over a broomstick!] did the Lord make coats of skins [what skins?], and clothed them." — Gen. iii. Pretty devils, no doubt, they must have appeared in their bear- skin wrap-rascals! How comes it this precious pair of originals are never represented in our paintings dressed in these eminently beauti- ful jackets, which they must have undoubtedly been, having been cut out by the great Jehovah himself, to whom the great Stultz can not be supposed worthy of holding a candle ? And is it not greatly to be re- gretted that the patterns of such magnificent dresses have not been preserved (as the particulars and dimensions of Noah's ark have) for the benefit of the fashionable puppies and their dolls; as they then might have swaggered and strutted "comme il faut," and tumped the rabble with a good grace. \ "Mr. Canning one day quoted the Bible to sanction Christian slavery, and Mr. Wilberforce had but little to say in reply. And was Christ crucified that black men might be scourged! If so, he had better been born a mulatto, to give both colors an equal chance of freedom, or at least of salvation." — Byron. 108 THE YAHOO : And in that state was by his son discovered, Laying pig fashion,* with his uncovered ;f Who, grinning like an unlick'd cub, exclaim'd, " Oh, fie, papa ! you ought to be asham'd ! You tipple, and get pogey with your wine, And then lie naked, sprawling like a swine." But Mister Ham's joke with his Pa — alas ! A black-)oke prov'd, for lo ! " it came to pass," That for his graceless prank his generation, By black skins should betray their degradation :J Since when, the woolly-headed, flat-nosed race, Have been with white-skinn'd Yahoos in disgrace ;$ Who, tho' they flog them, save their precious souls By baptism, or they'll go to hell in shoals. || But let's suppose that Rumpuncheon comes From negro-driving with a brace of " plums :" The ill-got wealth but seldom brings content ; For ostentation it is chiefly meant. His pride, parade, and pomp, and puff, and swell, And vice and folly, how it's squander'd tell. Profusion comes with glitter, show, and glare, And color'd lamps, to make the rabble stare ; * "The little pigs lay with their bare."— Old Ballad. + "And he (Noah) drank of the wine and was drunken, and he wa» uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw th« nakedness of his father." — Gen. ix. \ "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger sou had done unto him." [What had he done?] "And he said, cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren." — Gen. ix. True Bible justice ! the father in fault, and the children all cursed for it § "He finds his fellow guilty of a skin Not color'd like his own, and having pow'r T enforce the wrong, for such a worthy cause, Dooms and devotes him as his lawful prey." — Cowper. \ "Happy, thrice happy, now the savage race, Since Europe takes their gold and gives them grace /" Churchill. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 109 While ev'ry thing that's dear or ugly's bought, And sphinxes, and sarcophaguses sought !* With costly toys the mansion soon abounds, The lady's necklace cost ten thousand pounds !f Baubles of all sorts cram each vacant space, And dizen'd lacqueys all bedaubed with lace. Then a grand rout! what exquisite delight To make a thund'ring through the Square all night ! Three or four hundred fools, or mad folks rather, To sip slop tea and ices, squeeze together ; Who at the door make such a horrid din, As if all Bedlam wanted to get in !| * "Man's rich with little were his judgment true, Nature is frugal, and her wants are few; Those few wants answered, bring sincere delights; But fools create themselves new appetites : Fancy and pride seek things at vast expense, Which relish not to reason or to sense." — Young. "Hunger, thirst, and nakedness, are the first tyrants that force us to stir; afterward our pride and sloth, sensuality aud fickleness, are the great patrons that promote all arts and sciences, trades and callings." — Mandeville's Search into Society. f Who could suppose that such an enormous sum could ever be de- manded for a string of baubles, to hang round the neck of a female Yahoo f It is however certain that a necklace of that estimated value was purloined, a few years since, from the shop of Messrs. Rundle