Class of 1900 Fund 
 
 ; 
 
OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSE 
 
THE MAXIMS OF 
 
 METHUSELAH 
 
 Being the Advice given by the Patriarch 
 
 in his Nine Hundred Sixty and Ninth 
 
 Year to his Great Grandson 
 
 at Shem s Coming of Age 
 
 IN REGARD TO WOMEN 
 
 BY 
 
 GELETT BURGESS 
 
 Author of " Are You a 
 Bromide?" "The Burgess 
 Nonsense Book, "etc., etc. 
 
 With Illustrations, Decorations, and 
 Cover Design by Loafs D. Fane 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 NEW YORK 
 FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
Copyright, 1903, 1904, 1905, 1906, 1907 
 By The Ess Ess Publishing Co. 
 
 Copyright, 1907 
 
 By Frederick A. Stokes Co. 
 
 October, 1907 
 
 Permission has been kindly granted by the 
 Editors of " The Smart Set " for the publi 
 cation of such Maxims as have appeared in 
 that magazine. 
 
 
 7 
 
 The University Press, Cambridge, U.S.A. 
 
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 Methuselah instructeth Shem . . . ... . .Frontispiece 
 
 I counsel thee, introduce not female contem 
 poraries one to another ; . Facing page 22 
 
 The sun must not see what the moon seeth . Facing page 48 
 
 The damsel yearneth for chivalry, but the 
 
 matron desireth impertinence Facing page 79 
 
Authorship 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 of the Maxims 
 
 THE following is, so far as I know, 
 the only authentic rendering into 
 the English language of the three 
 hundred and thirty parables attributed 
 to Methuselah. The authorship of these 
 precepts was first traced to the aged 
 patriarch by the cabalists, after having 
 found by a transposition of the letters of 
 his name the anagram, " he who prophe 
 sied in parables." l 
 
 Of its origin, the book, although freely 
 rendered into the idiom of the hour, still 
 bears intrinsic evidence of having been 
 compiled by one who had had extraordi 
 nary experience with women. The amor 
 ous expert will not find it hard to believe 
 that nine hundred and sixty-nine years 
 would be none too short a time for any 
 one man to have accumulated such a pro 
 found lore. Indeed, women tell us that 
 
 Fabricius, I. p. 325. 
 
The Patriarch s 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Sense of Humot 
 
 the present span of life is entirely too 
 brief for any ordinary man to obtain the 
 slightest comprehension of the extreme 
 complexity of feminine psychology. Men 
 live and die without having acquired the 
 rudiments of its categories. Methuselah 
 himself, despite his unrivalled opportu 
 nities for investigation, could hardly have 
 formulated so exhaustive a hand-, or, 
 shall we say, heart-book, without some 
 help from his contemporaries. 
 
 Moreover, that the author of these 
 Maxims had what passes for humor is 
 plainly apparent from the jocosity of 
 many of his verses, and this must be 
 reckoned with in adjudicating Methuse 
 lah s claims to the honor. The patriarch 
 undoubtedly had a dry wit, as historical 
 evidence proves. Colin de Plancy, who 
 says that " every word that fell from his 
 lips was superlatively perfect," narrates 
 a legend of the patriarch showing this. 
 
 On his five hundredth birthday, Me 
 thuselah, having lived out-of-doors all 
 his life, was visited by an angel, who 
 advised him to build himself a house. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 " How much longer have I to live?" the 
 old man inquired. " About five hundred 
 years," replied the visitant. " Oh, well, 
 then," said Methuselah, " I hardly think 
 it s worth while for me to bother myself, 
 just for that little while ! " l 
 
 Regarding the origin of the text, a few 
 words may prove interesting to the 
 reader. While excavating several Roman 
 sarcophagi of the second century, on my 
 estate of Li Trouvailloux in Provence, I 
 came upon some twenty slate tablets cov 
 ered with weather-worn cuneiform in 
 scriptions. They had evidently been 
 buried with the ashes of some centuricn, 
 or, perhaps, had merely been hidden in his 
 grave. I do not, myse.lf, read either Assy 
 rian or Babylonian in the cuneiform, but 
 my rendering has been made from a literal 
 translation in which I have the greatest 
 confidence ; and, where the characters 
 proved undecipherable, either from the 
 erosion of time or my assistant s inexperi 
 ence, I have not hesitated to supply the 
 deficiency of the records with what I 
 
 1 Colin de Plancy, p. 102. 
 
The Flood postponed 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 for Seven Days 
 
 would myself have said had I had the 
 patriarch s felicitous advantages. With 
 these important exceptions, a thorough 
 investigation of the Talmud and other 
 sources has compelled me to believe 
 that these Maxims are beyond peradven- 
 ture the original Parables spoken of by 
 Fabricius. 
 
 Granted, then, that the patriarch was 
 the author, how came these precious tab 
 lets to find a resting-place so far from the 
 land of giants, where they were undoubt 
 edly written ? In answer to this natural 
 question, I have to offer the following 
 ingenious theory. 
 
 Amongst other curious fables, it will be 
 recalled by students of the lesser-known 
 Oriental literatures that Methuselah died 
 upon the day set for the inauguration of 
 the Flood, which was postponed for seven 
 days that men might mourn the patriarch 
 fittingly for a due season. 1 Eusebius, 2 it 
 is true, places his death fifteen years 
 
 1 The Midrash, fol. 12 ; so also Targum of Palestine (Ethe- 
 ridge), I. p. 179. 
 
 8 Chron. Graec., ed. Scaliger, Lugd. Batav. 1606, p. 4. 
 
History of Shem 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 His Disappearance 
 
 STV*7 
 
 I/ 
 
 fig 
 
 afterward, but as he does not state where 
 the patriarch found refuge while the waters 
 covered the earth, his authority .may be 
 discredited. General opinion follows the 
 Midrash. Rabbi Solomon asserts that 
 Methuselah died seven days before the 
 Deluge, and the Pirke of Rabbi Eliezer as 
 well as the Jahut confirm his testimony. 
 As these Maxims, prepared for the guid 
 ance of Shem, were delivered just before 
 Methuselah s death, this postponement 
 of the cataclysm gave the young man 
 ample time during which to insure their 
 safe deposit in the ark. 
 
 Now, curiously enough, the Scriptures 
 do not chronicle the death of Shem, al 
 though the statement is made that he lived 
 for five hundred years after begetting Ar- 
 phaxad. According to Eisenmenger, 1 
 he was given the name Melchizedek, and 
 the Rabbi Gerson reports seeing his last 
 resting-place in the land of Og, king of 
 Bashan, in a grave eighty ells long. 2 But 
 other Talmudic legends narrate that he, 
 
 1 Eisenmenger, I. pp. 318-319. 
 Ibid., p. 395- 
 
Climate of Aries 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Writings of Shem 
 
 with his brothers, Cell asleep in a cave 
 and did not awake till the nativity, when 
 Shem, Ham, and Japhet appeared as the 
 three Wise Men of the East. 
 
 Leaving this repository with the 
 brothers, after many years of hiding, this 
 story would reasonably account for the 
 presence of Methuselah s tablets in Pales 
 tine, from which place they were undoubt 
 edly taken by the Romans at the fall of 
 Jerusalem, and no doubt coming into the 
 possession of some influential general 
 were carried by him into Southern Gaul. 
 The fact that the city of Aries (near which 
 the tablets were found) has always been 
 famous for its beautiful women is highly 
 suggestive, for the use of such informa 
 tion as the text supplied would be highly 
 useful to any man who might settle in 
 such a locality. 
 
 Eleven apocryphal writings of Shem are 
 known to exist, but I have been able to 
 find no definite mention of these Maxims 
 in them to corroborate my theory. 
 
 Fable welds another link in the chain 
 which binds the oldest man to the book. 
 
 
thuselah s Courage 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Pre-Adamiie Man 
 
 m 
 
 Methuselah had a sword inscribed with 
 the " Incommunicable Name," Schem 
 Hammphorasch, with which he slayed a 
 thousand devils. 1 The symbolism that 
 convicts this lady killer is patent. Even 
 if we take the statement literally, this 
 proof of courage is not unworthy of one 
 willing to antagonize the whole female 
 sex by the unblushing impertinence of 
 his Maxims. Ab alto exspedes, alteri quod 
 feceris. 
 
 As regards the women from whom 
 Methuselah derived his knowledge, his 
 tory and tradition show that he had a 
 wide field for investigation. Besides 
 the Land of Nod, Uz, and the countries 
 watered by the four rivers which flowed 
 from Eden, 2 the pre-Adamite theory ex 
 ploited by Isaac de Peyreira in 1655 would 
 account for many more opportunities. 
 The Oriental book of Huschenk-Nameh, 
 speaks of a race prior to the creation of 
 Genesis, located upon the Isle of Mus- 
 cham, one of the Maldives. They had 
 
 1 Eisenmenger, I. p. 651. 
 
 2 Genesis ii. 10. 
 
 
 , 
 
 */ 
 
 II 
 
LiLitk s Career 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 A Manual needed 
 
 flat heads, and were governed by a King 
 Dambac, who submitted to Adam when 
 he was expelled from the Garden of Eden. 
 
 Yet another authority lies in the Book 
 of Genesis itself, for the double account 
 of the creation of woman in Chapters I 
 and II is by many supposed to indicate a 
 double creation. According to the Tal 
 mud, Adam s first wife, Lilith, was cast 
 out of Paradise, and, marrying with Eblis, 
 the Prince of Darkness, became the mother 
 of the Djinns, or phantoms, to whose influ 
 ence Solomon owed his magical power. 
 
 Greatly as the subject of feminine psy 
 chology and emotion has interested phi 
 losophers of all ages, their writings have 
 been chiefly tentative and analytical, 
 rather than constructive. Woman s ways 
 have been avidly discussed, even smiled 
 at; but, except for these Maxims, no sci 
 entific attempt has been made to embody 
 in an organized manual man s -discoveries 
 in relation to women. Rules for the guid 
 ance of youth are much needed, however, 
 and an instructive and specific text-book 
 for the proper understanding and manage- 
 
Experience useless 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Women of Eid 
 
 ment of the fair sex should be in the pos 
 session of every young man desiring to at 
 tain proficiency in this greatest of all arts. 
 The failure of experience to teach men is 
 notorious ; how much more futile is it to 
 expect the callow youth to learn by mere 
 experiment, in a series of disastrous and 
 pathetic essays ! No, woman must be 
 taken a priori or not at all ; we must have 
 some definite principle or hypothesis 
 upon which to proceed in our love-making. 
 Failure after failure has brought this fact 
 home to most men, who, even if married, 
 are still ignorant of the action and reaction, 
 in the feminine, of cause and effect. 
 
 Refined or crude as the patriarch s cate 
 gories may be (and it seems evident that 
 Methuselah gained the bulk of his knowl 
 edge from the commonest types of woman 
 hood, no doubt the factory girls of the 
 great brick foundries of the Euphrates), 
 his principle of classification is sufficiently 
 scientific. Naturalists, in segregating 
 species and varieties, must rely upon dif 
 ferences of less anatomical significance 
 than their selection would, at first sight, 
 
Women PS. Men 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Women s Weakness 
 
 imply. In the same way, women do not 
 differ from men in the larger characteris 
 tics of honor, generosity, unselfishness, 
 and sapience unless, indeed, the modern 
 woman has, in the impetus of her mental 
 emancipation, outrun man, and, becoming 
 more idealistic, has attained a positive 
 superiority. At any rate, it may be safely 
 held that men and women are more alike 
 the higher they are cultured, and the dif 
 ferences between the two must be looked 
 for in mere trivialities. And Methuselah s 
 justification for the light he has thrown 
 upon woman s frailty lies in the fact that, 
 after all, we love our friends as often be 
 cause of as in spite of their faults. No 
 man would have women less inconsistent, 
 less whimsical ; these are the charms 
 that, if they amuse, endear. 
 
 Even the curious fact that what is uni 
 versally true of women is universally 
 funny also did not escape such a shrewd 
 observer as Methuselah. Woman is, 
 unfortunately, characterized chiefly by 
 her weaknesses ; and this fact is the 
 basis of much of our modern humor. 
 
LoreofLiltth 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Gospel of Eve 
 
 
 Not that men are not as weak or as per 
 verse, but their faults for some reason 
 have never attained any real literary 
 value in the eyes of the comic muse. 
 There are legends pointing to the fact 
 that Adam s first wife compiled a vol 
 ume of reflections upon man s foibles and 
 methods, under the name of "The Lore 
 of Lilith," and that a "Gospel of Eve" 
 existed in the time of Saint Epiphanius 
 is evidenced by his mention of it as hav 
 ing been in great repute amongst the 
 Gnostics. 1 The Mussulmans also attrib 
 ute to her a book of prophesies which 
 it would be most interesting to substan 
 tiate. 2 But however just these may 
 have been in their estimate of man s 
 typical qualities, and though scathing 
 they undoubtedly were, it is doubtful if 
 either of them could ever be accounted as 
 a humorous book. It was no doubt the 
 realization of this advantage of his sex 
 that inspired Methuselah to anticipate 
 
 1 S. Epiphan. Haeres, XXVI. 
 
 2 Tho. Bangius ; Coelum Orientis, p. 103. 
 
Modern Women 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 aft are Exceptions 
 
 the inevitable iu quoque of women 
 readers. 1 
 
 Every age must, however, select its own 
 illustrations of general principles from the 
 life of its day, and so, although originally 
 intended for a discussion of the peculiari 
 ties of the women of Methuselah s period, 
 the Maxims have been somewhat boldly 
 adapted to the feminism of the twentieth 
 century. If it be inadequate to woman s 
 latter-day ideals and concepts, it can be said 
 only that, however women have changed 
 in their own esteem since antediluvian 
 times, man s point of view in their respect 
 has altered too slightly to affect the gen 
 eral utility of the patriarch s precepts. 
 
 The exigencies of the text, therefore, 
 have at times compelled me to be much 
 more harsh with woman s frailty and in 
 consistency than my own unguided and 
 incomplete observation has seemed to 
 warrant. But I have been consoled by the 
 fact that without doubt almost any state 
 ment one might make upon so broad a 
 subject would be true, while the direct 
 
 1 Methuselah, II. 8, 9. 
 
 
 
 . - , 
 
 

 Apology for Style 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Epigrams outworn 
 
 opposite would certainly be as provable 
 of any individual case. And, in my own 
 modest experience, all cases have been 
 individual, all exceptional. Still, what is 
 true of any considerable number of ex 
 ceptional women ought to be fairly true 
 of all women. 
 
 In the transcription of these Maxims, it 
 might go without saying that much of the 
 incisive epigrammatic quality of the origi 
 nal Assyrian (if it be Assyrian) has been 
 lost. But the epigram and the paradox, 
 as applied to women s ways, are media 
 that have been sadly overworked of late, 
 and even the modern trope of the inverted 
 or distorted proverb has lost its sting. It 
 has been the aim of my own not over- 
 modest attempt rather to be too true to 
 be funny than to be too funny to be true. 
 And for this ideal the stilted phraseology 
 of parable, the redundancy and tautology 
 of Hebraic poetry, and the solemn form of 
 King James s able litterateurs, has seemed 
 best fitted. Women held no monopoly in 
 iteration in the olden time. 
 
 Nor should it be overlooked that much 
 
Women Informers 
 
 INTRODUCTION Pathos of Experience 
 
 of the delicate asteism of the Maxims is 
 derived not so much from the patriarch s 
 personal observation as from hints he has 
 received directly from women themselves. 
 Lt is the first sign of a woman s awaken 
 ing sense of humor that she is able to 
 perceive the illogicality of her own 
 whims, and the absurdity cf many of her 
 irresistible desires. In a way, this trait 
 is the corollary of woman s dogma of her 
 own inscrutability. It is a symptom, too, 
 not so much of treachery as of a gather 
 ing intellectual and literary class con 
 sciousness which, when the newer Lore 
 of Lilith is written, shall spit man, 
 writhing, upon the point of her sharper, 
 more facile pen. 
 
 Men will, no doubt, ignore, and women 
 contemn these Maxims, and, however 
 sapient and searching their message, silly 
 couples may often prefer to make their 
 own deductions and analyses. It is the 
 pathos of experience that it can seldom 
 be transmitted from father to son. But I, 
 at least, have done my part, and I may 
 say, with Spenser s cynical maid, 
 
 pnmg 
 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 good Second Choice 
 
 " Then let them love that list, or live or die, 
 
 Me list not die for any lover s doole ; 
 Nc list me leave my loved libertie 
 
 To pity him that list to play the foolel " 
 
 Grave as it may be, the accusation of 
 sacrilege I shall not anticipate here, ex 
 cept to acknowledge my indebtedness to 
 certain literary flourishes in the Bcok of 
 Proverbs. But even King Solomon, could 
 he have had the chance of reading this 
 book aloud in his harem, would, I am 
 sure, have forgotten its impropriety in 
 listening to the alternate sneers and gig 
 gles of his "seven hundred wives, prin 
 cesses, and three hundred concubines," 
 not to speak of the glee of other " strange 
 women, together with the daughter of 
 Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammon 
 ites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites." 
 
 New York, May i, 19.7. 
 
Use of the Maxims 
 
 METHUSELAH, 1. 
 
 Praise of Subtilty 
 
 THE MAXIMS OF 
 METHUSELAH 
 
 Chapter t 
 
 I The use of the Maxims. 4 An exhortation to sub- 
 tilty. 8 To avoid trouble as between women. 
 \\ Of women s aitire and 12 loves. 14 The use 
 of secrets. 
 
 T 
 
 1HE Maxims of Methuselah the 
 son of Enoch : To know wisdom 
 and instruction concerning women; 
 to perceive the words of knowledge, 
 whereby the damsels of his choice may 
 be judged, 
 
 2 To give subtilty to the simple, to 
 the young man knowledge and discretion 
 in his loves. 
 
 3 The fear of women is the beginning 
 of knowledge ; but fools despise experi 
 ence and instruction. 
 
The Reward of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 1. 
 
 the discreet Youth 
 
 4 CMy son, hear the instruction of 
 thy great-grandfather, and forsake not 
 the law of those who walk safely nor* 
 are distracted by women s ways- 
 
 5 So that thou mayest regard discre 
 tion, and that thy lips shall win praise 
 of women. For the joys of thy life 
 shall be many. 
 
 6 Where thou goest she will gladly re 
 ceive thee ; and when thou flirtest thou 
 shalt not stumble. 
 
 7 For the days of my life are nine 
 hundred, sixty and nine years, and I have | 
 known much women. 
 
 8 Cl counsel thee, introduce not female 
 contemporaries one to another ; verily, 
 keep thy loves apart, for their wrath kin- 
 dleth and bitter words arise when thy 
 doings are made plain. 
 
 9 For to a woman all women are en 
 emies ; yet men are allies, one with 
 another. 
 
 10 Make no manner of personal re 
 mark to a woman, unless, peradventure, 
 thou wishest to hear it misquoted in thine 
 ear for seventy and seven years withal. 
 
I COUNSEL. THEE, INTRODUCE NOT FEMALE CONTEMPO 
 RARIES ONB TO ANOTHER, (i. 8.) 
 
Divers Warnings 
 
 METHUSELAH, 2. 
 
 concerning Secrets 
 
 11 4H,Forget in no wise to speak of her 
 new raiment ; but remember also her at 
 tire of yore, when thou first met her. 
 
 12 <H,Tell not thy previous loves to a 
 woman, lest she also telleth thee hers. 
 
 13 See that thou givest a maiden her 
 way ; gainsay her in nothing. Howbeit, 
 if thou robbest the victory of all material \ 
 advantage, the glory will content her. 
 
 14 f^Wouldst thou become acquainted 
 with a damsel ? See that thou havest 
 a secret with her straightway. 
 
 15 That when she seeth thy photograph 
 she may smile and think untellable 
 thoughts. 
 
 Chapter it 
 
 J The patriarch vaunteth his &wn experience. 2 Of 
 calf-love. 5 Forbidden topics of conversation. 
 7 Women s writings and their proneness to betray 
 their ovjn experience. 8 Women s sense of humor. 
 J3 Certain women to be avoided. \7 On public 
 dinners. 
 
 LISTEN and hear my counsel ; 
 hearken unto my precept. For 
 the maidens of the Land of Nod 
 
 O 
 
 
Mens Calf -Love 
 
 METHUSELAH, 2. 
 
 Unlucky Topics 
 
 are known unto me, and the damsels of 
 Uz are as rings on mine hand. 
 
 2 Teach thy son to Ider 
 woman with his first love, for he shall 
 know much and come to no harm. She 
 shall teach him, and he shall learn divers 
 things; he shall amuse her, and she shall 
 train him in the way of women without 
 entanglement. 
 
 3 Yet if he wooeth a doll-like vir 
 gin, surfeit him with her presence and 
 make her ways easy. So shall he, per- 
 adventure, fall aweary and learn dis 
 crimination. 
 
 4 4H.Verily, men do foolish things 
 thoughtlessly, knowing not why ; but no 
 women doeth aught without a reason. 
 Search her acts and learn her follies. 
 
 5 Explain not machinery to her; on 
 politics shalt thou keep thy mouth shut. 
 
 6 For she hath curiosity but of one 
 thing, which is lo<ve. 
 
 7 She writeth in the magazines, she 
 composeth verses ; yea, she scribbleth 
 much. Yet she publisheth only her own 
 affairs and the affairs of her friends. 
 
 24 
 
 
Certain Women 
 
 METHUSELAH, 2. 
 
 to be avoided 
 
 Imagination is not in her ; she layeth 
 her hand to her heart and exposeth its 
 secrets. 
 
 8 4H.My son, a woman shall come unto 
 thee, saying : Hearken not unto the words 
 of thy great-grandfather, for he doteth ; he 
 maketh a jest of women, comprehending 
 nothing. He sayeth so-and-so concerning 
 us; 
 
 9 But how about men ? Is not this true 
 even of them, also ? 
 
 10 Then shalt thou know that she lack- 
 eth humor. She floateth in her folly, 
 she is blind ; do not discuss with her. 
 Kiss her patiently and praise her hair. 
 
 11 For a woman without humor is an 
 annoyance ; she is as the touch of wet 
 velvet, or a mouse nibbling in the night. 
 She is as a cigar whose wrapper is torn, 
 and the air leaketh therein ; nothing can 
 mend her. 
 
 12 d^I say unto thee : it is easier to 
 find a pet fly in a butcher s shop, than a 
 woman who can sharpen a pencil. 
 
 13 Beware of the woman who exhaust- 
 eth thine ammunition; she shall make 
 
 ^^^ n^J 
 
The female Grafier METHUSELAH, 2. 
 
 Dining in Pubu 
 
 thee to be weary. Thou shalt tell her all 
 thy secrets, and yet learn naught of her. 
 Thou shalt give her rich gifts, and re 
 ceive nothing. Thou shalt write her 
 poems and be in no wise rewarded. 
 
 14 Beware of a woman who signeth 
 not her name to her letters ; she will 
 bear watching, aye, she hath a past. 
 
 15 But she who dealeth in ciphers and 
 symbols, who hath her secret name for 
 this and for that, so that none but thee 
 may understand her, seek her and woo 
 her, for she hath cunning; observe her 
 ways and be wise. 
 
 16 Curling locks are rather to be chosen 
 than great riches ; and a good figure is 
 better than diamond rings. 
 
 17 C^Better is a dinner of macaroni 
 where thou canst hear thyself think, 
 than a banquet of . dainty meats with 
 music and loud timbrels, where her 
 words escape thee in the tumult. 
 
 18 Also, that men see her blushes, it 
 is not good ; and he that sheweth her off 
 in public places, sinneth. 
 
 19 A reproof entereth more into a 
 
 26 
 
End of Love 
 
 METHUSELAH, 3. 
 
 The Cosy-Come 
 
 woman of sense than an hundred com 
 pliments into a fool. 
 
 20 The spirit of a proud woman may 
 sustain a slight ; but a crooked nose-line 
 who can bear ? 
 
 21 The end of a flirtation is as when 
 one letteth out the last gasp of a siphon ; 
 but love endeth like the chianti flask, its 
 drops are bitter. 
 
 Cfmpter ttt 
 
 | J The vanity of men 2 and ho<w ^vomen <work them. 
 7 ^ Th> value of silence 8 shewn in an example of 
 his &wn experience. J2 Of chaperones f J3 the 
 dangers of regularity and J5 fir si kisses. 
 
 BEWARE the wiles of women, and 
 curb thy vanity ; for by that door 
 she entereth in to destroy thee. 
 fl Out of the words of thy mouth shall she 
 f bring thee low. 
 
 2 I have watched her at her work in 
 the cosy-corner, when she said : Lo, for an 
 ho ar have I made him to talk of himself; 
 till he thinketh he is the best ever ; 
 
 3 Now will I fall upon him and de- 
 
 
The ready Accepter METHUSELAH, 3. 
 
 The silent Man 
 
 your him; he shall do my bidding, for 
 I have gotten him going. 
 
 4 He shall tell me his inmost thought, 
 and all that my rival hath said concern 
 ing me. In my sleeve shall be heard the 
 tinkling of silvery laughter; he shall 
 send me flowers, 
 
 5 Precious confections, and gloves, and 
 pins of fine gold, theatre tickets, and 
 much cabfare. 
 
 6 HHer ways are ways of pleasant 
 ness, she considereth man as a child; she 
 feedeth man s pride and nourisheth it, and 
 he groweth fat; his chest protrudeth. 
 
 7 Yet a silent man affrighteth her, yea, 
 she is astonied at him. She stumbleth 
 and falleth down ; there is no way to 
 work him. 
 
 8 ! knew a man who lived in the city 
 of Enoch, and he married a wife. She 
 was a shrew, she complained much; yet 
 did he subdue her. 
 
 9 She railed continually with grievous 
 plaints, saying : Behold, thou hast come in 
 late, and I am lonely; long have I awaited 
 thee ; 
 
To Avoid Regularity METHUSELAH, 3. 
 
 The first Kiss 
 
 10 And he said : Yes m 
 
 
 11 So was her tongue broken against 
 him, and there was peace in his house. 
 
 12 C^My son, obey the law, and observe 
 prudence. When thou invitest a maid, 
 take her chaperone also, that thou may- 
 est flirt with her, unafraid. 
 
 13 If thou hast called on her three 
 Thursdays, take heed and avoid the fourth; 
 make thy call Tuesday, lest she thinketh 
 she knoweth all thy ways. Bore her 
 not with regularity ; let her expect thee 
 alway. Let her not say unto her sister : 
 Lo, I have him on the string. 
 
 14 C.Hast thou given the first kiss to a 
 maiden? Write her speedily on the mor 
 row before she giveth thee fierce words ; 
 assure her and comfort her wee ; let her 
 remorse be abated, give unto her an ex 
 cuse for her conductr 
 
 15 Lest she say: Lo, I have spent the 
 night in tears, thinking on my shame. 
 Sleep would not come nigh unto me ; I 
 marvelled <what thou shoulds} think of me; 
 my sorrow is great because "of * my 
 indiscretion. 
 
 
Women easily pleased 
 
 :ETH 
 
 7 omens Credulity 
 
 Chapter 
 
 \ Women easily to be pleased and 5 displeased. 7 
 They ask troublesome questions. \2 Ho<w men pre 
 vail over them. J4 The cunning methods of 
 maidens in entrapping men. 
 
 YEA, as fascinating as a loose tooth 
 is a secret to a young maid. For 
 she knoweth not whether to spit it 
 out or keep it safe ; yet she cannot for 
 get it. 
 
 2 Catnip pleaseth the kitten ; and the 
 reading of her palm rejoiceth the damsel. 
 Even as one who fitteth a Doacet costume 
 to a d6butante, so is he who clotheth a 
 woman s vanity with pleasant prophecies. 
 
 3 She goeth to the sorcerer and the 
 fortune-teller and she returndh with a marvel 
 alway. Yea, though she believeth not, 
 yet doth she believe, and her lips are 
 filled with wonders. 
 
 4 Behold, a damsel said unto me : Hoiv 
 <well thott understandest me ; yet I knew not 
 what she spake, for she ended not her 
 sentences. But I held my tongue, and 
 
Untoward Events 
 
 METHUSELAH, 4. 
 
 Women s Follies 
 
 forbore questioning; therefore was I 
 clad in wisdom. 
 
 5 CHe who spilleth ice-cream upon 
 her front breadth shall be forgiven ; but 
 whoso mentioneth her last night s indis 
 cretion shall be despised. 
 
 6 Better are two left-hand gloves, than 
 a man in the moonlight with the wrong 
 woman; and a maiden alone by the sea 
 shore is as a hat without a hat pin ; she 
 breedeth wild thoughts. 
 
 7 As a cushion which sheddeth its 
 feathers, as a moulting dog which leapeth 
 upon thee, so is a woman who saith 
 continually : Why desireth thou to kiss 
 me ? 
 
 8 Tc be two years a widow exceedeth 
 a college education ; and a woman with 
 out brothers hath a hard time. 
 
 9 A teasing woman is as a squeaking 
 shoe, or as when one walketh on spilt 
 sugar. 
 
 10 A wise maiden scenteth trouble afar 
 and avoideth a scene ; but the foolish 
 damsel exclaimeth : Don t! 
 
 11 A good woman would rather be the 
 
Men conquer 
 
 METHUSELAH, 4. Woman s foxy Attire 
 
 mother of a genius than the wife of a 
 
 hero. 
 
 /i2 Not by their strength do men prevail 
 
 over women to have their way, but by 
 
 obstinacy and persistency. For any man in 
 
 time can win any woman. 
 
 13 It is naught, it is naught, saith the 
 maiden ; but when he is gone his way 
 she hurrieth to the mirror and rejoiceth 
 at her beauty. 
 
 14 CMark the woman in love, how she 
 beginneth a series of revelations ; yea, 
 though she be innocent of guile, yet doth 
 she not hide her good points from him. 
 
 15 She dresseth in masquerade costume 
 to her advantage, she sheweth her ankle. 
 He surpriseth her in a fair morning-gown 
 and her neglig6 is not without peril. She 
 weareth the thin shirtwaist, that shew 
 eth pink ribbons beneath its folds ; she 
 inviteth him to bathe at the seashore ; 
 
 16 But when she appeareth with her 
 hair braided, when its plaits fall down 
 her back, when the blue ribbon binds it, 
 then is her time come, and danger is at 
 hanft. 
 
Conduct to be avoided METHUSELAH, 5. 
 
 Clew Men in Love 
 
 Chapter 
 
 \ A ^warning against confessions of apathy. 5 The 
 methods of clever men alike, <when in love. 9 On 
 last loves. JO Women to be vjatched. \\ Letters 
 a test of vjorth. 13 A ^woman s future prophesied 
 by her mother. 
 
 PRITHEE, my son, say not unto a 
 woman : Beloved, why love I not 
 thee ; why am I cold ? For behold, 
 thou art fair, thou hast doves eyes ; thou 
 art clever, and worthy my regard ; yet is 
 my heart dead, for / cannot love thee. 
 
 2 For her soul shall sicken at thy words, 
 and a bitter thought shall come to her ; 
 yea, two things shall persecute her in her 
 meditations : 
 
 3 For she shall say : If he loveth me 
 not now, then will he never love me ; 
 
 4 And: It is my fault, for lo, I should 
 have made him to love me, and I could not. 
 
 5 C^Clever men make their love in the 
 same wise, one like unto another ; 
 
 6 With witty jest and with frankness, 
 displaying their wounds. 
 
 7 Confessing their danger and rejoicing 
 
Ways of the 
 
 METHUSELAH, 5. 
 
 sentimental Ass 
 
 in their peril, regarding themselves <wtth 
 humor. 
 
 8 Beginning at the end of the flirtation, 
 and proceeding backward, from the inside 
 outward. 
 
 9 For in the game of love, there is but 
 one law : Thou shalt make neither thyself nor 
 her ridiculous. 
 
 10 Son, mark the soft and oily lover, 
 how women avoid him. His ways are 
 devious and cunning, he covereth his 
 tracks. 
 
 11 He whispereth in the dark, he seek- 
 eth dim places. 
 
 12 Yet will no thoroughbred endure 
 him, for he putteth them to shame. 
 
 13 Verily, I say unto you, many a maid 
 may be kissed in the open who, when 
 her hand is touched under the table will 
 cry : Nay, nay I 
 
 14 A bold heart can conquer a princess, 
 but he who seeketh her by craft getteth 
 only seconds. 
 
 15 4JA woman findeth in her last lover 
 much of her first love ; but a man seeth 
 his next-to-the-last love, alway. 
 
Letters prove Worth METHUSELAH, 6. The Future prophesied 
 
 16 Son, heed my instruction, and apply 
 thyself to know women; let thine eyes 
 observe her when she is with another, 
 for what she doeth with him, so will she 
 do with thes, also. 
 
 17 Count no woman wise, until thou 
 hast received a letter from her hand ; 
 but love none thou hast not seen face to 
 face, for she who is not foolish on paper 
 is worth knowing. 
 
 18 C^Favor is deceitful and beauty is 
 vain ; but she who offereth to mend thy 
 glove shall be praised. * 
 
 19 Woo her not till thou hast seen her 
 mother, for a score of years worketh 
 wonders. 
 
 Chapter tot 
 
 \ The patriarch apologizeth for woman s inconsist 
 ency. 5 Ho<w she is often reproved 7 and stulti 
 fied. JO The ten signs of a <woman in love. 
 
 WONDER not at woman s in 
 consistency, for she hath been 
 created of warring essences. 
 2 For she is the weaker vessel, yet 
 
i^^^^^HM^HHM^Bi^HH^^^BHBMIBHHBMBBBBBI^HIlHBHHiMBmBi 
 
 Her Inconsistency METHUSELAH, 6. 
 
 shall not the strong enjoy her unless she 
 consenteth ; and that which she lo<vdh 
 must she refuse alway. 
 
 3 She feareth a mouse when it appear- 
 eth, yet she goeth to fierce pains with 
 gladness ; 
 
 4 She demandeth of men the impossible 
 alway ; yet she refuseth to see the side 
 that appeareth not first unto her. 
 
 5 Her ways are devious and full of 
 guile ; yet when she taketh the straight 
 road she is reproved for her frowardness. 
 
 6 Yea, when she entertaineth a fool 
 with honied words, do men accuse her 
 of hypocrisy ; yet if she telephoneth to 
 men, asking them to call, then are they 
 enraged and perverse of spirit. 
 
 7 And in her defeat by her beloved is 
 her only victory. 
 
 8 She beareth agony continually, yea, 
 she smileth and concealeth her pain ; yet 
 if a man suffer, the whole city shall 
 know it. 
 
 9 C^There is a thing no woman know- 
 eth, and all her days it shall be unre- 
 vealed ; how she hath acted in private 
 
 and h<yw defended 
 
 -\ 
 
METHUSELAH, 6. 
 
 a Woman in Love 
 
 
 theatricals, no man shall tell her, and 
 women shall say sweet words, meaning 
 nothing. 
 
 10 d.Son, if a maiden love thee, thou 
 shalt appear handsome in her sight; she 
 shall praise thine eyes, and the corners 
 of thy mouth, yea, she shall admire thy 
 hands. Though thou wert even as the 
 ourang-outar.g yet shall she paint thee 
 with fancies. 
 
 11 She shall be easy of access ; she will 
 accept all thine invitations-; she shall 
 have time in plenty. 
 
 12 She shall shew thee her new raiment 
 and ask thy judgment; and the gown 
 which thou approvest not, she will not 
 wear it. 
 
 13 She shall ask thee of thy mother, 
 and thy sister ; she shall demand a pho 
 tograph of thy childhood. 
 
 14 She shall read the books that thou 
 readest, she shall study thy taste. She 
 shall know thy color and thy song; she 
 shall remember the sugar in thy tea, and 
 the lamb chop thou despisest will she 
 not offer thee. 
 
 \ 
 
How to tell 
 
 METHUSELAH, 7. 
 
 <when She cares 
 
 mommm 
 
 15 She shall pick threads from thy gar 
 ment ; she shall brush thine hair. 
 
 16 She remembereth when she first 
 met thee, and knoweth when thou hast 
 last called. She laugheth at thy jests. 
 
 17 She knoweth thy neckties ; she heed- 
 eth thine opinions and quoteth them to her 
 friends. 
 
 18 She giveth thee foolish gifts ; and 
 she knoweth if thou usest them noL 
 
 19 She readeth thy letters even when 
 they are cold; she knoweth thy step when 
 it is outside the door. 
 
 Chapter tott 
 
 J Women to be understood and guarded against. 3 
 Her methods contrariwise. 1 The universal con 
 fidante to be avoided. 8 When to confide. JO A 
 comparison of the plain and comely maid, and their 
 methods. J4 Woman s prudence. 
 
 HEARKEN unto my words and 
 attend diligently to my counsel ; 
 for the world is full of women, 
 and the women full of wile ; so that a 
 man, if he goeth not warily withal, shall 
 surely fall a prey thereunto. 
 
Ways and Wiles METHUSELAH, 7. 
 
 When to confide 
 
 I 
 
 2 For in the endeavor to misunderstand 
 women we spend our most delightful 
 moments. 
 
 3 <H.Take heed and know that a fond 
 woman s commandment is made only to 
 be broken ; and only a fool erreth therein. 
 
 4 When she smileth, peradventure it 
 may be for another ; but when she frown- 
 eth it is for thee alone. 
 
 5 If she talketh much of another, re 
 joice that thou hast no rival ; but if she 
 keepeth silent concerning him, <watch thou 
 his ads, for danger lieth in wait for thee. 
 
 6 If she weepeth, weep thou also, and 
 her grief shall be abated. 
 
 7 CI^Many a woman hath said unto me : 
 Lo, I am the universal confidante, and all 
 men tell me their loves ; yet have I not 
 confided in her. 
 
 8 CH.If a damsel importune thee for thy 
 secret, lie thou straightway ; yea, if there 
 be naught to hide, invent thou a pleasing 
 romance, for words shall content her. 
 
 9 Yet if she ceaseth from her questions, 
 if she respecteth thy privacy, then mayest 
 thou tell her the truth. 
 
Effect of Beauty 
 
 METHUSELAH, 7. 
 
 General Remarks 
 
 10 CMy son, beware of a plain damsel 
 who charmeth thee, for she needeth much 
 wile, and useth divers c weapons ; 
 
 11 She expecteth not to win easily, 
 and she maketh sure her aim ; she play- 
 eth the sympathetic. She studieth to 
 please, she doeth many favors. 
 
 12 But the fair maiden is simple of 
 heart, she thinketh much of herself; she 
 giveth naught, but receiveth alway ; she 
 basketh in her own beauty ; she maketh 
 men to be weary. 
 
 13 C^Doth a woman strive for the im 
 possible? Nay, she knoweth not the gain 
 thereof; and she scoffeth at him who 
 desireth a marvel. 
 
 14 Lo, many a man hath given up a 
 good salary for a chance of fortune ; but a 
 woman preferreth the bird in the hand. 
 
 15 If thou makest a statement concern 
 ing women, lo, she shall immediately try 
 to disprove it straightway. She goeth by 
 contraries. 
 
 16 When a woman breaketh her heart, 
 when disaster befalleth her love, she 
 entereth the house of memory and shutteth 
 
be a Dear 
 
 METHUSELAH, 8. 
 
 Quarrels helpful 
 
 the door behind her ; but if a man slayeth 
 his hope he shutteth the door also, but he 
 departeth. 
 
 17 For all women are even as Lot s 
 wife, looking backward. 
 
 Chapter tout 
 
 \ The patriarch, to persuade discretion, 3 she<weth 
 ho<w to quarrel 4 and flirt. 6 Women easily to 
 be held, once <won. 1 Upon competition. JO Sun 
 dry observations common to all <women. J8 Ho<w 
 <womeT. spy on ivomen. 
 
 OSON, heed my wisdom and learn 
 my ways, and maidens will follow 
 thee ; in Ethiopia shall the gar 
 lands be hung, and the damsels of Assyria 
 shall say : He is a dear ; 
 
 2 And from the Land of Nod shalt thou 
 receive perfumed letters and couch cush 
 ions and photographs. 
 
 3 <H.Many a maid have I won by a quar 
 rel, when flattery was in no wise helpful ; 
 but take heed that thou art in the <wrcng, 
 so that thou mayest acknowledge thine 
 error. 
 
Various formulae. 
 
 MKTHUSKLAH, 8. Competition eschewed 
 
 4 Ct,Yet repeat not the manner of a flir 
 tation ; for lo, all the world shall hear of 
 it, and women will taunt thee ; even the 
 debutante shall revile thy ways. 
 
 5 A poem to the foolish and a conun 
 drum to the wise ; a kiss to the chaste and 
 a handclasp to the unchaste. 
 
 6 HA man is like unto a fort in a 
 strange land, easy to capture, but hard to 
 hold ; but a woman of virtue is like an eel 
 in a bathtub, not easily to be acquired, yet 
 difficult to lose. 
 
 7 HI say unto thee, verily, eschew 
 competition, for if she loveth another more 
 than thee, naught of thy doing can vanquish 
 him. 
 
 8 And if she loveth thee not at first, then 
 will she never love thee. 
 
 9 While thine arm is about her, let it be 
 as if other women ivere not. Mention 
 them not ; nay, ignore them utterly. 
 
 10 fjpbserve woman and her ways, and 
 be not deceived by false tidings; for a 
 woman may use a lorgnon without being 
 near-sighted, and not every one whose 
 waist buttoneth up behind keepeth a maid. 
 
Woman s Paradise 
 
 METHUSELAH, 8. 
 
 Bromidic Sayings 
 
 11 A woman liveth in a romantic future, 
 yea, one which cometh not ; but a man 
 liveth in the present. 
 
 12 Her heart consenteth before her lips 
 say: Yea; and in this interval lieth her 
 Paradise ; wherefore she would prolong 
 it. 
 
 13 C^She sendeth a telegram of ten 
 words ; nor more nor less can she be per 
 suaded, though her need be great. 
 
 14 She saith : Lo, I have washed mine 
 hair, and I can do naught ivith it I 
 
 15 She saith : If thou hadst come on 
 the yesterday, we had a good dinner ; why 
 earnest thou not last week, when mine 
 house was in order, for now it is a sight. 
 
 16 She saith : I pray thee, let us be 
 honest one with another, and if thou 
 ceasest to love me, tell me and I will go 
 my way ; but be not persuaded. 
 
 17 She saith : Lo, it is passing strange 
 that my child behaveth not before com 
 pany; <when <we are alone then will he 
 speak his piece. 
 
 18 d.1 have seen her when she watched 
 the raiment of her sisters in the street, 
 
Woman s Insolence 
 
 METHUSELAH, 9. 
 
 Platonic Friendship 
 
 and in the house when she scrutinized 
 their ways ; nothing escaped her. 
 
 19 She turneth her head, she appraiseth 
 her neighbor s costume, saying : Lo, it is 
 machine-embroidered, and : she weareth 
 cheap lace, her shirt-waist is not clean. 
 
 20 Who is more virtuous than she who 
 hath once kissed and hath ceased from 
 kissing? She is impregnable; there is 
 none like unto her. 
 
 Chapter tj: 
 
 \ An exhortation io eschew Platonic affection and its 
 inevitable consequences. 8 Sundry qualities of 
 <women likened. \2 Whom not to marry. 
 
 TELL me, ye simple ones, how long 
 will ye go in for Platonic friend 
 ship ? and the scorners delight in 
 their I-told-you-so s and the gossips 
 whisper. 
 
 2 I also will mock at your calamity ; 
 I will laugh when passion cometh. When 
 her tears flow, I will say ha-ha! I will re 
 joice with exceeding great mirth. 
 
 
 
METHUSELAH, 9. 
 
 treats Love lightly 
 
 3 Then ye shall call on me and I shall 
 not answer ; ye shall ask my advice and I 
 shall withold it. For there is none escape. 
 
 4 Ye would none of my counsel ; ye 
 depised my precepts. Ye were as one 
 who playeth with a live wire, and is be 
 come full of sparks. 
 
 5 Therefore shall ye eat the fruit of 
 your own way, and be filled with your 
 own devices. Ye shall squirm, uttering 
 foolish lies, explaining nothing. 
 
 6 HBut whoso hearkeneth to me shall 
 dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear 
 of trouble. Women shall say : Ho<w inter 
 esting, and shall much desire him. He 
 shall be inviteth to theatre parties, he 
 shall dine at no cost. The matrons shall 
 receive him with smiles. 
 
 7 The wise shall enter into upper Fifth 
 Avenue, but the West Side shall be the 
 promotion of fools. In East Eighteenth 
 Street shall they take up their abode and 
 a ha!l bedroom shall receive them. In 
 Harlem shall they make their calls. 
 
 8 COf women who could brook re 
 proof have I known upward of an hun- 
 
Babies and Pets 
 
 METHUSELAH, 9. 
 
 Undesirable Wives 
 
 dred; but of them that could discreetly 
 take praise, nay, not one. 
 
 g HCan a woman entertain a man and 
 a pet at the same time ? I say unto thee, 
 one of the twain shall suffer jealousy. 
 
 10 HAs the salt-cellar whose cover 
 cometh off in the soup, so is the matron 
 who extolleth her babes. 
 
 11 Even as the sound of sleighs upon 
 bare ground, so is she who saith : I shall 
 never marry. 
 
 12 H Attend unto my instruction, that 
 thou proposest not to the wrong damsel, 
 for I show thee revealing signs ; 
 
 13 Ask not her who trieth to get in 
 ahead of the line at a ticket-window ; 
 neither to her who shutteth not the door 
 of the car after her ; 
 
 14 Nor whoso spendeth her hours in 
 the dressing-room of the Pullman, caus 
 ing her sisters to gnash their teeth, and 
 say fierce things. 
 
 15 Neither to her who knoweth not how 
 to say Good bye, at the telephone ; nor 
 her who grafteth scarf-pins, saying: I 
 will return it. 
 
The Trials 
 
 METHUSELAH, 10. 
 
 of Matrons 
 
 Chapter j: 
 
 I Methuselah examineth matrons for their faults and 
 foibles.. 6 Women not easily fooled except by 
 themselves. 8 He sheweth the instruction of silence. 
 J2 The desperate simplicity of a young wanton. 
 
 A BLACK corset is an abomination, 
 and she who leaveth her hair in 
 the comb shall be cast out into 
 utter darkness. 
 
 2 Count no matron happy until she 
 hath passed thirty, and hath not waxed 
 fat. For then do her sisters torment her, 
 saying : In this gown thou needst have no 
 fear, it becometh thee ; but wear not 
 horizontal stripes, for thy hip increaseth. 
 
 3 Behold, no woman with a perfect 
 figure shall escape calumny from her sex, 
 yea, her reputation shall be questioned 
 amongst her sisters ; and a good com 
 plexion is ofttimes suspected. 
 
 4 In the mind of a woman, to give birth 
 to a child is the short cut to omniscience. 
 
 5 For she who hath had children con- 
 temneth her who is not a matron ; yea, 
 
Of Spooning 
 
 METHUSELAH, 10. 
 
 A hard Question 
 
 she despiseth her in her heart ; wisdom 
 and excellence shall not appease her. 
 
 6 4JMy son, waste no time in trying to 
 fool a woman ; rather let her fool herszlf. 
 
 7 Judge not a woman whether thou 
 shalt marry her, until thou hast seen her 
 family bathroom and its appointments. 
 
 8 The sun must not see what the moon 
 seeth ; nor the piazza chair know what 
 the divan knoweth. Illumine not with 
 words of light the deeds of darkness. 
 
 9 Go to the couch cushion, thou tat 
 tler ; consider its ways and be wise ; 
 
 10 Which, having seen and heard divers 
 curious things, telleth naught ; nor will a 
 slap on the face provoke it to indiscretion. 
 
 11 Yet a woman and a mouse, they 
 carry a tale wherever they go. 
 
 12 HSon, in my youth, I kissed a 
 maiden of Assyria, and she said unto me : 
 Doest thou this al<way ? With every dam 
 sel doest thou assuage thy desire ? 
 
 13 Then I waxed bold in my shame 
 and made answer, saying : Yea, every one 
 do I kiss, and not one do I not desire her 
 lips. 
 
THE SUN MUST NOT SEE WHAT THE MOON SEETH. (x. 8.) 
 
\Letting her down 
 
 METHUSELAH,!!. A Woman s Conscience 
 
 14 So she laughed and was comforted, 
 believing me not, nor desiring to believe 
 me. She made merry at my jest and was 
 content in her pride. 
 
 15 Offer to every woman an excuse in 
 season, that she may clothe her embar 
 rassment; let her not suffer for her 
 complaisance. 
 
 Chapter tt 
 
 J A woman s conscience always in subjection. 3 
 Her justification for gossip . 5 Of engaged ma idens 
 forget fulness. 6 Of kisses felt and seen. & Women 
 led astray by women. 12 Women construe men s 
 actions amorously. J4 How to flatter women. 17 
 Women aware of their good points. 22 Quickness 
 of women s minds. 25 Women prone to misconstrue 
 kindness. 
 
 UNTO a woman her conscience is a 
 slave, she forceth it to do her will ; 
 with what pride she vaunteth her 
 virtue ! 
 
 2 Saying: Lo, I know I ought not to 
 tell this thing, nor should I divulge it at 
 all ; but ihou understandest. 
 
 3 Her friend cometh with tidings, and 
 
Of Gossips 
 
 METHUSELAH, 11. 
 
 and Fiancees 
 
 mornm 
 
 she receiveth her with joy, saying: Thou 
 knowest that I believe not in gossip, nor 
 do I talk mischievously of my neighbor, 
 tell me therefore the news, and I will not 
 believe it. 
 
 4 She saith: Yea, I know well that 
 I tell not always the truth ; and in her 
 heart she thinketh : Surely my frankness 
 condoneth my fault. 
 
 5 I have heard engaged maidens, when 
 they said, concerning their past lovers: 
 Yea, I ihought that I loved him, but I was 
 mistaken. 
 
 6 And many a damsel hath besought her 
 sister to marry a man whom she would 
 in no wise be persuaded to marry herself. 
 
 7 C^My son, there are subjective kisses, 
 and kisses objective ; there are kisses seen 
 and disgustable, and kisses felt and raptur 
 ous ; but the glory of the subjective is 
 one s, and the shame of the objective is 
 another s. 
 
 8 It is not by men that women are be 
 trayed, but rather by women. Lo, I ob 
 served a prude amongst sports, and the 
 prude was a sport also, even as the others, 
 
The first Cigarette 
 
 METHUSELAH, 11 
 
 fearing to be different from the rest. And 
 also I observed a sport amongst prudes; 
 her conduct was seemly altogether. 
 
 9 Doth a woman smoke her first ciga 
 rette because a man asketh this of her ? 
 Nay, but because the other women at the 
 table smoke ; even at the dove lunch 
 taketh she the first step. 
 
 10 Yet the froward woman is she that 
 is frankest ; she speaketh her mind. Doth 
 a woman speak platitudes and hot air? 
 Behold, she is innocent. 
 
 11 Every man judgeth a woman by his 
 own experience alway. If she refuseth 
 him, he saith : Lo, she is inaccessible, 
 but if she consenteth, he saith in his 
 simplicity : Behold, so doeth she with 
 every man. 
 
 12 fI say unto thee, not by kisses and 
 honied words doth a woman measure a 
 man s love, but by every deed he doeth. 
 She is sensitive to his approaches ; if he 
 toucheth her glove she thinketh: Lo, this 
 is an advance, his love progresseth. He 
 examineth her rings, and she questioneth 
 herself whether he be enamored. 
 
 
How to f Utter METHUSELAH, 11. 
 
 V 
 
 13 UShe whom thou lovest must laugh 
 when thou laughest and cry when thou 
 criest; for if she laugh when thou criest or 
 cry when thou laughest, woe be unto thee. 
 
 14 CMy son, wouldst thou flatter 
 women? I counsel thee, avoid generali 
 ties ; say not unto her : Thou art fair, my 
 love, thou rejoicest my heart with thy 
 comeliness, 
 
 15 But let thy words be definite, go thou 
 into details, for this will cause her joy ; 
 
 16 Say unto her : Love, thy nostrils are 
 proud, they show thy caste ; and thine ear 
 is like a seashell. How cunning are the 
 tips of thy fingers, and the line of thine 
 eyebrows, naught can match it. 
 
 17 Ctenoid, she knoweth her points, 
 good and bad knoweth she them all, from 
 the greatest even unto the smallest ; for 
 her mirror instructeth her and she kno c wetb 
 her frame. 
 
 18 The excellencies of her rivals she 
 knoweth also ; and lo, if she hath thick 
 wrists, of every other woman s wrist will 
 she take notice. 
 
 19 She weareth a number three shoe, 
 
Alt Women Critics METHUSELAH, 1 1 . Feminine Psychology 
 
 i 
 
 for it is a comfort unto her ; yet when 
 thou askest will she say : Lo, a two-and-a- 
 half is my size. 
 
 20 Knowest thou a woman who criti- 
 ciseth not other women s attire ? I say 
 unto thee, there is not one who cannot 
 point out their faults and advise them, 
 what they should wear. Though she 
 dress like an art-student, yet is she an 
 authority. 
 
 21 d,Many a woman seemeth to be try 
 ing to convince thee ; yet it is but herself 
 whom she would convince. 
 
 22 CtWhat is quicker than a woman s 
 mind ? She leapeth to conclusions, and 
 the question thou askest she answereth it 
 not, but what she thinketh that ihoa meanest, 
 that she answers. She will not be pinned 
 down. 
 
 23 As a fly entangled upon sticky paper, 
 so is a woman who seeketh to justify her 
 conduct. 
 
 24 Lo, if thou speakest to her the whole 
 truth, she will say : Ha-ha, he deceiveth 
 me, he hath not told me the half, I will 
 add unto it. 
 
Goodwill rebuked METHUSELAH, 1 2. Penis of Innocence 
 
 25 Son, say not unto a woman whom 
 thou knowest not: Lo and beware, thy 
 sidecombs are falling, and a hairpin 
 escapeth from thy tresses ; it will invite 
 her wrath, she will look upon thee with 
 fury. 
 
 26 She will turn a compliment into an 
 insult in the twinkling of an eye ; when 
 thou praisest her, she will misconstrue 
 thy words. 
 
 Chapter rii 
 
 1 Maidens repressed must break forth in indiscretion, 
 2 A woman friend is to be desired for the blessed 
 ness and ad<vice she bringeth to whoso is faithful. 
 \2 The mischiefs of photographs and the signs 
 thereof. 
 
 GO to, my son, be not deceived by 
 vain signs. Knowest thou a 
 maiden who sheweth all her 
 letters to her mother ? Cultivate her, and 
 she shall soon send thee words of fire. 
 
 2 Even as the blower on the fireplace 
 hideth the flames, so shall she break forth 
 when her parents scrutiny be removed. 
 
METHUSELAH, 12. Woman s Friendship 
 
 3 C[.If thou shalt receive my words and 
 hide my commandments with thee, all 
 women shall be as one woman with thee, 
 
 and she easy. 
 
 4 Seek one woman whom thou canst 
 trust, and to her who lovest thee best, 
 tell thy secrets. She will deliver thee 
 from the hands of strange women, she 
 will expose their craft ; and of her who 
 flattereth thee, will she make known the 
 reason. 
 
 5 When thou findest her whom thou 
 canst trust, go, but return alway. Smile 
 upon her across the chamber when thou 
 art encompassed about ; when women 
 admire thee, let thine eye seek her out. 
 Across the dining table shalt thou make 
 her a sign. She shall possess thy secret 
 glance. 
 
 6 When thou puttest on gay raiment, 
 when thou anointest thine hair, seek her 
 ere thou goest thy way to the feast ; 
 and when thou departest therefrom, then 
 shalt thou soon return unto her, telling thy 
 tale. She will interpret thy dreams. 
 
 7 Seek not to deceive her, for she who 
 
 
The Similarity of 
 
 Angets and De<vu 
 
 loveth thee is wise and knoweth thy 
 moods. Put thy trust in her and she will 
 teach thee women s ways. 
 
 8 Ct.lt is better to believe and be de 
 ceived seventy times seven than to 
 think all<women are false; yea, it is more 
 affording. 
 
 9 If thou suspectest her, it is better to 
 leave her than to doubt ; but to believe 
 and to doubt also, it is a bitter torment. 
 
 10 In my youth I knew a maiden of the 
 Land of Nod and I loved her. And my 
 friends came unto me and said: Lo, she 
 is a devil, cast thou her off. But I made 
 answer, saying: Verily I wot well that 
 she is either angel or devil, for in no 
 other wise could she charm me ; yet 
 would I think her an angel while I may, 
 for I cannot leave her. 
 
 11 The fool saith in his heart: All 
 women are liars, but I say unto thee : 
 Verily, two good women friends are 
 worth more than a million saints. 
 
 12 d.Now I went into the chamber of 
 a maiden, and there were many photo 
 graphs ; on the writing desk, and the 
 
The Photograph 
 
 METHUSELAH, 
 
 as a. 
 
 mantel and the mirror thereof were many 
 faces ; but I discovered not mine o<wn. 
 
 13 And I rejoiced, saying: Lo, I am at 
 the head of the procession. 
 
 14 And on another time I entered the 
 chamber of yet another damsel ; in her 
 abode I made my way privily. And be 
 hold, my photograph was displayed in a 
 frame of fine gold. 
 
 15 And I cried aloud in my shame, and 
 waxed hot, saying: Alas, that I am be 
 come a gooseberry, for she useth me to 
 her own end ; I am as the geography of 
 the schoolboy, behind which he readeth 
 the story of Bloody Mike the Avenger. 
 For she wantoneth with my name, fool 
 ing her friends. 
 
 Chapter rtit 
 
 
 
 The discipline and doctrine of <women in iheir efforts 
 to ensnare men shewn m the complete alphabet of 
 her <wiles. 
 
 EAR now my word, and listen to 
 my instruction, that thou be not 
 fooled of the woman who seek- 
 
 H 
 
 
Women s KeveUttons METHUSELAH, 13. 
 
 System with Mei 
 
 eth to ensnare thee ; for her ways are 
 plain unto me, and by many defeats have 
 I won victory over her. 
 
 2 For in my youth I had experience 
 of the women of Mesopotamia, and of 
 Ethiopia, and Assyria, and Havilah, and 
 of the countries by the Euphrates ; 
 
 3 And they taught me their lore, yea, 
 one woman told of another, and confessed 
 her secret heart ; and on my tablets wrote 
 I down their sayings. 
 
 4 My son, keep my words and lay up 
 my commandments with thee, that they 
 may keep thee from her who flattereth 
 thee with honied words. 
 
 5 For lo, this is her cunning and by 
 these crafts doth she practise upon 
 thee when she would bind thee to her 
 side forever; aye, though she be inno 
 cent of guile, yet hath she her system and 
 it shall not fail. 
 
 6 4JBehold, from my window have I 
 regarded her, and I have beheld her ways 
 how she compasseth the fascination of 
 the simple ones ; from her first move 
 unto the end of the game have I watched 
 
The personal Relation METHUSELAH, 13. Use of Propinquity 
 
 her out of mine eye, and this is the manner 
 of her doing : 
 
 7 Lo, she hath met him in a company of 
 youths in the green fields ; and she hath 
 espied her quarry; she hath determined 
 to capture him, and he is already lost. 
 
 ALEPH 
 
 8 She establisheth a personal relation; 
 she hath made him to notice her from 
 amongst the others ; she hath asked 
 him to carry her coat; she hath put her 
 purse into his pocket, and he doeth her 
 service. 
 
 BETH 
 
 9 She establisheth proximity, and of pro 
 pinquity she hath made her use ; she hath 
 entreated him to tie her shoe ; she hath 
 decorated his buttonhole, and her breath 
 is in his face. 
 
 GIMEL 
 
 10 She hath awakened his protection, 
 she hath shewn her alarms that he might 
 comfort her ; for the dog that barketh and 
 the cow with horns, they have provoked 
 her fears. 
 
 
tssof 
 
 ;LAH, 13. 
 
 Woman s Attack 
 
 11 And lo, he is mighty and stilleth her 
 fears ; she hath taken his arm. 
 
 12 From a high place he hath lifted 
 her down, even from the stone wall hath 
 he lifted her and she marvelleth at his 
 strength. 
 
 DALETH 
 
 13 She hath achieved a tete-a-tete and 
 she hath told him her confidence : she hath 
 poured out her heart, 
 
 14 Saying : I know not why I tell thee 
 this, for I have never told it before ; but 
 surely thou understandest me and I can 
 trust thee alway. 
 
 HE 
 
 15 Behold he hath called for the third 
 time, and she saith : Lo, I have missed 
 thee and all day yesterday thou wert in 
 my mind, for I had divers things to say to 
 thee. 
 
 16 And when he goeth she saith : When 
 shall I see thee again ? 
 
 VAU 
 
 17 She establisheth a secret union be 
 tween them, and in the company of 
 
:ETHUSELAH, is. 
 
 strangers she saith unto him secret words. 
 She referreth to untellable things ; she 
 buildeth up a past and useth it. 
 
 18 She giveth him a pet name; she 
 signeth her letters, the Princess in the Magic 
 Tower. 
 
 ZAIN 
 
 19 She desireth to be treated asja. man: 
 she yearneth for the simple relation of a 
 comrade, 
 
 20 Saying : Lo, how I trust thee, for 
 thou hast not regarded me merely as a 
 woman ; thou hast not made up to me. 
 
 21 Yet doeth she the feminine and help 
 less alway, she confesseth her weakness 
 and extolleth his strength ; she laugheth 
 in her sleeve. 
 
 CHETH 
 
 22 She sheweth an interest in all things 
 which concern him ; of his doings at the 
 office she inquireth, and of his comings 
 and goings she displayeth concern. 
 
 23 Saying : Andho c w was old Jones to-day ? 
 Did he trouble thee ? And of that new 
 customer in Peru, hast thou heard aught? 
 
 24 She readeth the books he readeth : 
 
Mental Deference 
 
 METHUSELAH, 13. Fitting the Harness 
 
 she consulteth the newspapers that she 
 may discuss with him. 
 
 25 And she saith : Lo, I have read 
 that book which thou mentionedst, and / 
 agree with thee perfectly ; thou art right 
 concerning it. 
 
 TETH 
 
 26 She getteth him into the kitchen ; he 
 openeth beer and sardines in the evening; 
 she bindeth an apron about him and she 
 sitteth upon the washtubs ; on the table 
 she swingeth her silk stockings. 
 
 27 She standeth beside him when he 
 openeth cases ; when he putteth up her 
 shelf she handeth him the hammer and 
 nails ; she smileth upon him. 
 
 JOD 
 
 28 She asketh for his photograph : aye, 
 for the photograph <when he was a babe she 
 manifesteth envy ; she stealeth it from 
 him. 
 
 29 She admireth his shoulders ; she 
 saith : Lo, what a stunning profile thou 
 hast ! Thy mouth is firm. Behold, thou 
 art distinguished. 
 
 t 
 
The Solicitude of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 13. 
 
 30 She inquireth of his mother and his 
 Aunt Jane, his little nephew and all that 
 are within his gates. 
 
 CAPH 
 
 31 She attempteth his reform; she 
 sheweth an interest in his health, saying : 
 Lo, I know well that it harmeth thee to 
 inhale cigarettes ; why wilt thou not re 
 gard thy health? For my sake be careful, 
 for if aught afflicted thee, then would my 
 heart be bowed down ; 
 
 32 Yet is it not meet that I should stand 
 between thee and thy pleasures, for I 
 know not the ways of men, nor of their 
 needs. Far be it from me to restrict thee 
 in thy enjoyment. 
 
 33 Yet I beseech thee to wear rubbers, 
 and warm underwear thou must not 
 neglect. 
 
 34 For thou must preserve thy strength 
 and beauty. . 
 
 LAMED 
 
 35 Now seeth she his bachelor apart 
 ments where he taketh his ease ; and she 
 marvelleth at man s liberty and freedom 
 
 
The Delights of 
 
 METHUSELAH. 13. 
 
 Bachelorhood 
 
 until she saith : Lo, would that I were a. 
 man also, and not a woman, for thy free 
 dom maketh me to envy thee ; 
 
 36 Yet <who doeth thy mending? and thy 
 clean linen, who is there that layeth it 
 out? who cleaneth up thy room? 
 
 37 Who attendeth to thee when thou 
 art sick ? Who holdeth thy hand and 
 smootheth thy pillow? For it maketh 
 me to fear for thee. 
 
 38 Promise me therefore that when thou 
 art stricken thou wilt send for rrn, that I 
 and my sister may visit thee and do what 
 shall be necessary for thy comfort, and 
 we shall come gladly. 
 
 39 And in her own house she sheweth 
 him the contrast ; she maketh him to be 
 easy in mind and in body : she waiteth 
 upon him with smiles. 
 
 40 She adjusteth the sofa pillow, she 
 placeth his smoking materials at his hand, 
 she screeneth the light with a red shade. 
 She giveth deft touches. 
 
 41 And she saith : Lo, how lo<vely to 
 be a man ! Would that I were free also 
 that I might come and go unquestioned ; 
 
Deference to 
 
 METHUSELAH, 13. 
 
 Mans Taste 
 
 I abhor the feminine touch, and man s 
 simple taste, lo, I admire it. Yea, put 
 thy feet upon the couch and be comfortable ; 
 strew thine ashes where thou wilt, for it 
 will keep the moths from the rug. 
 
 42 And the fool thinketh in his heart : 
 Would to God I had this comfort ahvay 
 and my belongings ever ready at my hand; 
 verily it would be pleasant to be married, 
 and a wife is a desirable thing. 
 
 MEM 
 
 43 She deferreth to his taste ; yea, she 
 maketh him to go with her when she se- 
 lecteth her hat, and that which she <wisheth 
 she forceth him to choose for her. 
 
 44 She heedeth his words of praise con 
 cerning her attire, and the gown he doth 
 not approve will she not wear before him. 
 
 45 She flattereth his neckties, she call- 
 eth his cuff links good. 
 
 NUN 
 
 46 She provoketh a quarrel ; yea, out of 
 thin air she createth strife and disputeth 
 with him. 
 
 47 And when he is heated, then doth 
 
 
The Affectation 
 
 METHUSELAH, 13. 
 
 of Inferiority 
 
 she humble herself, saying: Lo, thou art 
 right. Let me grovel before thee ; ac 
 cept my apology, O lord, for I am as nothing 
 in thy sight. 
 
 48 Upon her eyelash the tear-drop trem- 
 bleth, her lips are lovely with quiver 
 ing ; yet doth she not weep, nor do her 
 eyes grow red, 
 
 49 For there she draweth the line ; she 
 knoweth that she would be ill-favored and 
 it would avail her nothing. 
 
 SAMECH 
 
 50 She asketh his advice, and she pre- 
 tendeth to take it ; she steereth him cun 
 ningly, saying: 
 
 51 Lo, I am so impractical, but thou hast 
 experience ; men and life are known unto 
 thee, thou hast understanding. 
 
 52 But I am helpless in mine ignorance 
 and in matters of business I know nothing. 
 Counsel thou me. 
 
 53 And when he hath spoken words of 
 wisdom, she saith : Lo, how thou hast 
 holpen me ; what would I do without 
 thee! 
 
METHUSELAH, 13. 
 
 Awakening 
 
 AIN 
 
 54 She boasteth of her happiness and the 
 simplicity of her relations with him, say 
 ing : Lo, I am a bachelor maid, I desire not 
 to marry; I am contented and a husband is 
 not necessary unto me. 
 
 PE 
 
 55 When he feeleth safe concerning her, 
 when he looketh upon her as his property, 
 when he monopolizeth her easily with 
 out promise of marriage, when he hath 
 grown contented, 
 
 56 Then she spnngeth another man 
 upon him ; she dallieth with the hand 
 some stranger, she is seen in the com 
 pany of callow youths. 
 
 57 Yet doth she watch him privily and 
 her sisters tell her concerning him. 
 
 TZADDI 
 
 58 She disappointeth him upon occa 
 sion ; he calleth and she is out; he cannot 
 understand it, and his heart is oppressed. 
 
 59 And when she cometh she saith : 
 Behold, I was detained, I simply tore to 
 get here, yet was it impossible ; I grieve 
 
for thee, for I did marvels that I might 
 reach thee in time. 
 
 KOPH 
 
 60 She committeth an indiscretion that 
 it may bind them privily together ; she 
 relieth upon his honor, she is at his mercy 
 and is fearful. 
 
 RESH 
 
 61 She provoketh a struggle, and he 
 snatcheth at her fiercely. 
 
 62 And she saith ; Lo, I thought that 
 thou wert a gentleman; how darest thou 
 impute such and such to me ; what cause 
 have I given thee ? 
 
 63 She accepteth his apology. 
 
 SCHIN 
 
 64 She interesteth herself in the women 
 he hath known ; lo, she praiseth them 
 mightily, extolling his discernment: she 
 displayeth magnanimity and forgweth him 
 all things ; 
 
 65 Yet when she is sure of him she pre- 
 tendeth to be jealous, she accuseth him 
 unjustly, making a mock of his friends, 
 yea, she leadeth him a life. 
 
Giving himthe 
 
 METHUSELAH, 14. 
 
 Coup-de-Grac2 
 
 
 TAU 
 
 66 Now summoneth she him to her 
 abode for his finish ; her way is prepared, 
 and the end is come ; 
 
 67 She springeth her last trick upon 
 him, saying : Verily, verily, mine heart is 
 troubled, and I need thine advice, thou art 
 mine only friend. Lo, I am invited to visit 
 mine uncle in California for six months, 
 and I know not whether to go or not. 
 
 68 And he persuadeth her not to go ; he 
 proposeth to her, and she accepteth him. 
 
 69 HGive her then the fruit of her hands 
 and let her own works praise her, for she 
 hath gotten her will and brought him to 
 submission. 
 
 
 Chapter rto 
 
 I Four things unknowable. 3 Four things insatiable. 
 6 Three things inevitable. 8 Not to hurry women 
 in love. t4 The error of folly in kissing. The first 
 call. \1 Ho<u) men propose not to be kno^wn. 
 
 THERE be three things which are 
 too difficult for me ; yea, four which 
 not; 
 
Things unknown 
 
 METHUSELAH, 14. 
 
 and inexpticabfa 
 
 2 The way of a woman with nerves ; 
 the way of a maid with her dressmaker ; 
 the way of a damsel bidding farewell ; 
 and the way of a matron who understand- 
 eth the speech of babes. 
 
 3 C^There be three things which never 
 satisfy a woman ; yea, four which say 
 not : // is enough. 
 
 4 Her photograph ; and the fit of her 
 raiment ; a novel with a sad end ; and the 
 wooing of her lover. 
 
 5 For it is easier to find a woman satis 
 fied with her mirror than a maiden con 
 tent with all her names. For Susan 
 desireth to be called Huldah, and Sarah, 
 Deborah. 
 
 6 4H,Two things a woman saith on part 
 ing ; yea, three speeches are necessary to 
 her: 
 
 7 Lo, I have had such a charming time ; 
 and : It is so good of thee to have asked 
 me ; and : Now do come and see us. 
 
 8 ^JHurry n ot a woman s favor ; neither 
 force her hastily to surrender to thee. 
 For she goeth into love as she goeth into 
 the waters at the seashore; 
 
 
Falling in Love 
 
 METHUSELAH, 14. 
 
 Of Introductions 
 
 9 First a hand and then a lip goeth she 
 in by littles. She diveth not, she leapeth 
 not from the pier ; but by gentle shocks 
 and cries of protest she entereth slowly ; 
 
 10 Yet when the waters of love encom 
 pass her, then is she supported. She 
 swimmeth in her joy ; she floateth on 
 the tide of happiness. 
 
 11 For all her lines are drawn in pleas 
 ant places. 
 
 12 HSon, when thou callest upon a 
 damsel for the first time, see that thou 
 goest alone ; for a first call often bringeth 
 forth a miracle. Hunt not in couples, 
 lest thou gettest not acquainted. 
 
 13 Eschew letters of introduction, 
 which are the methods of fools. Be sure 
 she desireth thee, and visit her alone. 
 She will receive thee willingly. 
 
 14 4HThe fool trieth a maid with wiles 
 before he kisseth. He toucheth her hand 
 privily, he sitteth more near. But yet a 
 bolder one feareth not; he jumpeth up, 
 he runneth across the chamber and fall- 
 eth upon her with suddenness, ere she is 
 aware. She is astonied, 
 
 
 
Value of Instinct 
 
 ME 
 
 15 And she slappeth his face. 
 
 16 But the man of understanding heed- 
 eth a sign. It is revealed to him what he 
 shall do. When he becometh three parts 
 sure, then he proceedeth. For the three 
 parts are even this damsel, and the fourth 
 is all women. 
 
 17 UNo man knoweth how another man 
 maketh his love, for women tell not. But 
 women know well of women s ways ; 
 if a man love, he telleth much. 
 
 18 Though a woman be as honest as a 
 child before company, yet will she lie to 
 the man she loveth. 
 
 Chapter r 
 
 J Proper consideration to be shewn towards women 
 in love. 6 Women s rivalry. 9 The proper time 
 to be chosen for propolis; when ill-advised JO and 
 when fitting. J4 Engaged women lose frie- ds 
 swiftly. 
 
 Y son, if a woman confesseth that 
 she love thee and thou lovest 
 not her, leave her not, forsake 
 
 M 
 
Frailties forgot 
 
 METHUSELAH, 15. 
 
 Women s Reoalry 
 
 her not in her anguish ; make her to laugh, 
 and let thy conduct be merry. 
 
 2 Yet when she saith : I have repented 
 of my folly, forget thy pride and be glad ; 
 remind her not of her words, be thy mouth 
 shut upon her "weakness aforetime. 
 
 3 Some women are to be captured by 
 storm and some taken by siege ; yet if 
 there be not a traitor in her heart that 
 shall deliver up the garrison, thou shalt 
 not prevail over her. 
 
 4 CI say unto thee : Verily, not every 
 woman that looketh like a maiden going 
 to a tea is a typewriter ; for some are 
 maidens going to a tea. 
 
 5 If, when thou callest, a woman ask- 
 eth thee concerning thy goings-in and 
 comings-out, and what thou doest, take 
 heed, for she thinketh of other things ; she 
 prepareth herself to work thee. 
 
 6 4H.I have watched the rivalry of 
 maidens at the summer hotel, yea, at 
 the seashore have I regarded their strife. 
 Yet could I not judge a damsel s popu 
 larity by the flowers she received ; for 
 verily, it may be her mother who sendeth 
 
ss misjudged METHUSELAH, 15. 
 
 -When to propose 
 
 them, and the old man footeth the bills. 
 
 7 For the rivalry of women is visited 
 upon their children to the third and fourth 
 generation. 
 
 8 Son, be not deceived by the undemon 
 strative, for a woman of ice may desire to 
 be wooed with ardor ; and she who stand- 
 eth apart hath her own opinion of the 
 laggard lover. 
 
 9 ^Propose not to a woman when she 
 hath gotten a new frock, nor when she is 
 puffed up with victories ; when she reign- 
 eth and rejoiceth in her nour of triumph, 
 
 I come not nigh unto her ; 
 
 10 But when she be ill or weary, when 
 she is cast down in spirit and needeth a 
 
 \comforter, then be thou ready, and make 
 thy suit. 
 
 11 After she hath walked far and rest- 
 ; eth, while the storm gathereth and the 
 
 thunders are loosed in the heavens, while 
 she listeneth to fair music, when the wine 
 cup is emptied, then shalt thou have thy 
 way with her. 
 
 12 And a wedding in haste is worth two 
 at leisure. 
 
Fiancees mocked 
 
 METHUSELAH, 16. 
 
 A teasing Woman 
 
 13 If she dresseth her hair in a new 
 fashion, some one hath great influence 
 over her ; and if he shaveth his beard, 
 there is a reason. 
 
 14 When a damsel becometh engaged, 
 lo, she breaketh many charms ; and her 
 life-long friends discuss her. Yea, her 
 dearest sisters laugh and whisper in 
 scorn. 
 
 15 Is her ring wished on? Peradventure 
 it may be but to test thy strength. 
 
 16 Who can withstand a maid of ten 
 years? Behold, she hath many uncles. 
 
 Chapter jfot 
 
 J General observations concerning women. 3 The 
 first kiss. 7 Men pleased at their own follies 
 8 and wisdom. 9 Women s aging. J3 Her econ 
 omies. 16 The cheap wovan. 
 
 EVEN as one who wipeth his hands 
 upon a new towel, as flypaper to 
 the bare feet, so is a woman who 
 asketh thee continually if thou lovest her. 
 2 Gum may be removed from the hair, 
 and ink under the thumbnail will in time 
 
Diners Counsels 
 
 METHUSELAH, 16. 
 
 Man s Ignorance 
 
 pass away; but she who talketh too loudly 
 in the street car cannot be changed. 
 
 3 A maiden s first kiss cometh hard, yea, 
 it is as the first olive out of a bottle, re 
 quiring much skill ; but the rest are easy. 
 
 4 As a hot drink on a sleighride, so is 
 a woman who asketh not troublesome 
 questions. 
 
 5 The education of a fair damsel is 
 pleasant; yea, it rejoiceth the heart of 
 man to give counsel to her and to teach 
 her in new ways. 
 
 6 A man may be square, because of the 
 opinion of his brothers ; but if a woman 
 be white, she alone is to be praised. 
 
 7 C^Son, when thou art old it will please 
 thee more to remember the duties thou 
 hast neglected for love of women, than all 
 thine honors. 
 
 8 The bachelor thinketh he understand- 
 eth women, knowing a little of many ; and 
 the husband is wise in his own conceit, 
 knowing much of one ; but a woman 
 holdeth them equal in folly. 
 
 9 4jEven as one who putteth the mu 
 cilage brush into the ink bottle, so is he 
 
 TIC 
 
Women 
 
 METHUSELAH, 16. 
 
 Their Economies 
 
 who saith unto a woman : Beloved, how 
 young thou lookest to-day ; how well thou 
 appearest ! 
 
 10 HWhen she enjoyeth not all people, 
 when she scanneth her mirror in the 
 morning, when she seeketh the youth of 
 the land to enslave them: these are the 
 stages of her aging. 
 
 11 Who is more staid than the damsel 
 of twenty-three ? Lo, she scorneth the 
 world, she writeth cynically in her jour 
 nal, she spitteth the ashes of joy from 
 her mouth, she talketh wisely to the old 
 men and scorneth babes, 
 
 12 Yet in another year she returneth to 
 embroidered lingerie, she danceth the 
 two-step with ardor, she writeth many 
 letters. 
 
 13 C^O, marvellous are women s ways, 
 and most wonderful are her economies. 
 
 14 On cheap underwear and on 
 cheap stockings and cheap boots she 
 economizeth, yea, from the bargain 
 counter she selecteth her gloves ; but 
 on her hats she throweth her substance 
 away. 
 
 
The Thoroughbred 
 
 METHUSELAH, 16. The cheap Worn* 
 
 
 15 But at the marked-down sale there 
 are no veils found. 
 
 16 d.The thoroughbred is wonderful to 
 me; but a cheap woman is an abomina 
 tion in mine eyes ; 
 
 17 She weareth a solitaire moonstone 
 ring, and she cleaneth it not, 
 
 18 She weareth a fascinator ever upon 
 sleighrides, 
 
 19 She keepeth three hats going, yea, 
 their progress is relentless ; as scarlet 
 changeth to mauve and mauve changeth to 
 magenta, so her hats change alway. For 
 last year s best becometh this season s 
 every-day hat, and this year s every-day 
 becometh next year s rainy-day hat ; yea, 
 though it be of blue tulle, withal, its course 
 is fixed and changeth not in its progression. 
 
 20 She putteth on an old silk waist for 
 her housework, and the fresh morning 
 gown knoweth her not. 
 
 21 Her white gloves are soiled alway ; 
 and the button leaveth her boots. 
 
 22 She weareth Louis Quinze slippers 
 that are run over at the heels ; she hath 
 a hole in her stocking. 
 
 
t & 
 
 THE DAMSEL YEARNETH FOR CHIVALRY, BUT THE 
 MATRON DESIRETH IMPERTINENCE, (xvii. 3.; 
 
Virtues 
 
 METHUSELAH, 17. 
 
 23 Her Jaegers bulge at her shoe tops ; 
 her placket gapeth open, causing men to 
 turn away their heads. 
 
 Chapter r\m 
 
 ( 
 
 \ Women indiscreet in anger. 3 Age changeth " 
 
 point of c uie c w. 5 Woman s sameness. 6 Her 
 abandon and inertia. 8 Di<vers tastes and prefer 
 ences common to all women. J6 Effect of broken 
 hearts. 
 
 WHO can find a consistent 
 woman? Where is she who 
 spitteth not secrets in her wrath ? 
 
 2 When thou hast quarrelled with her 
 and she hath not belied thee to thy friends, 
 then mayest thou say : She is a gentleman, 
 yea, she is whiter than snow. 
 
 3 HThe damsel yearneth for chivalry, 
 but the matron desireth impertinence. 
 
 4 And no woman answereth an impor 
 tant question in less than eleven score 
 words. 
 
 5 HMy son, wouldst thou know 
 women ? Incline thine ear unto my say 
 ings, for the women of the Pison are like 
 
 
Observations on 
 
 METHUSELAH, 17. 
 
 feminine Fancie. 
 
 unto those of the Gihon, and what the 
 damsels of the Hiddekel think, so think 
 they of the Euphrates. 
 
 6 UShe is like a stone on the hilltop, 
 difficult to be moved. 
 
 7 Yet when she is once started she 
 goeth fast and far ; no man knoweth her 
 end. 
 
 8 UShe believeth that all men are vain 
 and easy to be flattered. 
 
 9 Suffer her, then, in this belief, that 
 she may discover to thee her cunning; 
 her ways shall be made plain. 
 
 10 Her heart is older than her head ; 
 yea, her emotion is the mother of her 
 reason. 
 
 11 She remembereth anniversaries even 
 to the day thereof ; and by thy memory 
 shall thy love be measured. 
 
 12 She desireth many things, and she 
 is happy till she getteth them. 
 
 13 Two things she holdeth dear, mys 
 tery and mastery. 
 
 14 Two things she cannot resist in a 
 man, sentiment, for she hath it in store, 
 and honesty, for she hath naught of it. 
 
A Parable of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 18. a. Woman s Shame 
 
 15 She holdeth a comely youth is he 
 who knoweth it not, and a subtile man is 
 one who provideth her with good excuses. 
 
 16 4HShe jesteth not at love until her 
 heart be broken ; and an unmarried dam 
 sel getteth much experience. 
 
 Chapter rMt 
 
 \ The Patriarch in three parables sheweth the work 
 ings of woman s conscience as to shame f 8 finan 
 cial obligations, and J3 truth. 
 
 ON the banks of the Tigris, I came 
 upon a pair kissing ; of a sudden 
 I caught them unaware ; and I 
 
 marvelled ; 
 
 2 For the woman was as bold as a 
 lioness with her whelp, shame was not 
 in her ; but the man was embarrassed, 
 
 yea, 
 
 he was much rattled. 
 
 3 And I spake to the damsel, saying : 
 Wherefore art thou not ashamed, and 
 why dost thy heart beat not? 
 
 4 And she answered, saying: Lo, 
 when he first kissed me, ihen was I full 
 
A Parable of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 18. 
 
 Women s Honor 
 
 of shame, and my heart beat sore ; I cast 
 down my head ; 
 
 5 But now it is over; behold, I have 
 succumbed ; my heart hath surrendered 
 utterly, and I care not; 
 
 6 Can one lose all twice ? In that day 
 was I ashamed because of my defeat; 
 what worse can befall me ? 
 
 7 Though thou judgest me, I care not, 
 neither am I ashamed ; for I have judged 
 myself. For I fear myself only, and by 
 mine own eyes was I discovered. 
 
 8 C^Now there were four women by the 
 river Tigris, and to each of them I lent 
 fifty shekels. 
 
 9 And the first damsel said unto her 
 self : Lo, I will not repay him, for he is 
 richer than I ; he can afford it. And she 
 paid me not. 
 
 10 And the second damsel said: Lo, 
 said he not that he was in no hurry? 
 Sometime will I repay, but not now. And 
 she made no mention of her debt, neither 
 did she ever pay me. 
 
 11 And the third damsel suffered much, 
 for she was in hard luck ; so she came to 
 
A Parable of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 18. a Woman s Honesty 
 
 me, saying : Behold, much would I like to 
 repay thee, but I have not the wherewithal ; 
 yet have I not forgotten thy kindness to 
 me. Surely, I will pay thee on Monday. 
 
 12 But the fourth damsel paid me in 
 full measure ; on the next Saturday dis 
 charged she her debt. 
 
 13 ^Behold, there was a married 
 woman, and she had a friend ; and her 
 husband knew him, and regarded him 
 not, being exceeding fond. 
 
 14 And on a day the young man wrote to 
 the matron, saying : Come thou to lunch 
 with me on Wednesday, and we will eat 
 together; at the restaurant will I meet thee. 
 
 15 So she met him and they lunched 
 together ; and their discourse was virtu 
 ous and without evil. 
 
 16 But that night she said to her hus 
 band : Lord, to-day, as I walked in town, 
 I happened to meet my friend, and he 
 invited me to eat; and I went with him. 
 
 17 And her husband said : All right, 
 and he opened his paper. 
 
 18 HFor in a woman s eyes a lie is but 
 a half-truth. 
 
An Exhortation 
 
 METHUSELAH, 19. 
 
 to observe Tad 
 
 Chapter JTI 
 
 \ Howwomen are successfully to be flattered. 9 Sign 
 of a <woman in love. JO Women s reasons. 
 J3 Woman s nape not indicative. 17 How she 
 burneth her most interesting letters. J9 Of poker. 
 20 Of f reward <women. 
 
 M 
 
 Y son, wouldst thou flatter 
 women? Observe my wisdom, 
 and be not afraid with sudden 
 fear. For a woman is as a foolish conun 
 drum, having no answer. 
 
 2 Talk seriously with a silly damsel ; 
 but with a wise virgin mayest thou be 
 light-minded. 
 
 3 And the matron shalt thou call im 
 pudently by her given name, that she 
 forget her years. 
 
 4 Praise not a woman for what she 
 hath, but for what she hath not, and thy 
 reward shall be exceeding great ; 
 
 5 A witty woman for her beauty, and 
 a comely damsel for her intellect ; a 
 wise woman for her jests, and a frivol 
 ous maid for her literary criticism; 
 
METHUSELAH, 19. 
 
 and Back-hair 
 
 6 A pianist for her cookery, and 
 housewife for her mathematics, so shalt 
 thou praise them ; 
 
 7 But the mother of one babe shall be 
 flattered through that alone, for there the 
 straight way lieth. 
 
 8 For I give thee good doctrine ; for 
 sake not my law. 
 
 9 CLUnless she telleth thee all she 
 knoweth, the uttermost love is not in 
 her, and she shall escape thee privily. 
 
 10 C^When she giveth thee many rea 
 sons, lo, she can be persuaded ; if she 
 giveth thee but one only, cease thy 
 supplication. 
 
 11 When she ceaseth from calling thee 
 by thy surname, when she calleth thee 
 you, then be on thy guard, for this is the 
 end of formality. 
 
 12 When she leadeth thee on to talk 
 of thyself, she hath one of two motives 
 withal : admiration or contempt. 
 
 13 CJudge not a woman s beauty in 
 the street by the back of her head, lest 
 the wise man scorn thee. 
 
 14 A flattering deed is worth many com- 
 
METHUSELAH, 19. 
 
 pliments ; and a pleasing letter worketh 
 wonders. 
 
 15 Two kinds of women there be who 
 smoke cigarettes : she who wisheth to, 
 and she who wisheth two. 
 
 16 When she is least sure she is most 
 decided, and a stubborn woman is oft- 
 times mistaken. 
 
 17 CtUntil she sendeth thee these 
 words, thou hast not won her : Three 
 letters have I written thee, and burned 
 them with fire, for my heart misgave me. 
 
 18 She who is engaged to thee should 
 have none other engagements. 
 
 19 CMy son, ere thou takest to thyself 
 a wife, engage her in a game of poker, 
 and much shall be revealed. 
 
 20 CI^Hear the instruction of a lover, 
 and attend to know understanding, for of 
 women have I known upward of five 
 hundred, fifty and five, in the days of my 
 youth ; and my fame was mighty in the 
 land. 
 
 21 If thou wouldst be a judge of 
 women, the worst as well as the best 
 shouldst thou know. 
 
>The Ways of 
 
 METHUSELAH, 20. 
 
 f r<yward Women 
 
 22 For the woman who wottest least 
 is even as she whose heart is blackest; 
 and the angel and devil are as sisters, 
 to one ivUhout experience. 
 
 23 For wickedness weareth the cloak 
 of innocence, and the baby stare gazeth 
 from the froward woman s eyes. She 
 hungereth after the callow youth ; she 
 studieth his ways and walketh humbly. 
 
 24 She pretendeth to be shocked, she 
 casteth down her eyes ; she delighteth 
 to be instructed. 
 
 25 She laugheth in her sleeve, she 
 amuseth herself with his innocence; and 
 <when he is gone she telleth his follies. 
 
 Chapter 
 
 I In a parable Methuselah she c weth ho*w ihe shameless 
 cajole men 9 and ho<w ignorance endureth unnec 
 essary pains. J4 Hoiv women s politeness leadeih 
 them astray. 
 
 EVERY way of a maid with a man 
 is subtile ; yea, it is exceeding 
 wise. As she worketh her new 
 garments, sewing upon the inside so it 
 
METHUSELAH, 20. 
 
 a. foxy Virgin 
 
 may not be seen from the outside, so she 
 c worketh him. And when her work is 
 completed, she entereth and taketh 
 possession. 
 
 2 4JI observed her on a dark night, 
 when she walked abroad with her young 
 man, and she wore not her white shirt 
 waist ; nay, it was of sombre hue, thai 
 men mighi not see her. 
 
 3 For she had succeeded not in her 
 wiles upon the golf links, nor in the ball 
 room, nor upon the piazza, for he feared 
 her much ; yea, he was timid, being simple 
 and free from guile. 
 
 4 But she said in her heart: Lo, what 
 shall I do that he may be emboldened ? I 
 will lead him beneath a tree to rest in its 
 shade, and I will sit beside him, meekly. 
 
 5 And it was a dark night of stars, 
 having no moon. 
 
 6 Then said that damsel : I <would that 
 there were a moon, that it might shed its 
 light upon us ; 
 
 7 And he answered her, saying : Thank 
 heavens there is not a moon. And he drew 
 nearer. 
 
METHUSELAH, 20. 
 
 three Damsels 
 
 8 And she smiled to herself, saying: 
 Now is my time come ; long have I 
 awaited. 
 
 9 CLNow there were three damsels sit 
 ting on three chairs, and each damsel had 
 a youth beside her; 
 
 18 And each youth placed his arm along 
 the back of his damsel s seat, privily; and 
 each damsel observed his act, keeping her 
 
 counsel. 
 
 11 And the first damsel waxed <wroth at 
 the youth s impertinence ; and she leaned 
 back. Then with her eyes she darted 
 fierce glances at him, so that he was re 
 buked ; and he took away his arm. 
 
 12 And the second damsel was rejoiced 
 in her youth s ardor ; she leaned back and 
 enjoyed herself. And the young man 
 withdrew not his arm. 
 
 13 But the third damsel knew not 
 whether she was pleased or whether to 
 wax wroth, for she was one without ex 
 perience. So she made no sign, pretend 
 ing not to notice ; and she sat erect all the 
 evening, suffering. 
 
 14 C.Like the alarm-clock that goeth 
 
Parable of a 
 
 METHUSELAH, 20. 
 
 foolish Matron 
 
 off at 7 A. M., so is she who saith : I told 
 you so ! 
 
 15 But a woman who dallieth and is 
 tardy, she is like an upper step which 
 is not upon the stair, causing one to be 
 vexed. 
 
 16 4jAnd I called upon a matron ; at 
 her house I paid my visit, and I found 
 a bore thereat. 
 
 17 And he stayed. 
 
 18 While his back was turned she 
 yawned in her kerchief, wishing he 
 might take his way and depart ; for she 
 desired much to be alone with me. 
 
 19 And it came to pass that after many 
 hours he arose to depart ; yea, he took 
 his hat and stood talking ; 
 
 20 And lo, the matron began to gush 
 mightily with gossip, telling him tales ; 
 with many words she beguiled him so 
 that he stood upon one foot and the other, 
 striving to say farewell. And she talked 
 an hour, seeking to conceal her shame. 
 
 21 And I wondered mightily. 
 
METHUSELAH, 21. 
 
 of Busy-bodies 
 
 Chapter jrjrf 
 
 \ Methuselah, in an example of his own experience 
 she<weth 3 how women and 6 men behave at 
 dinner parties and 8 after leaving the table. 
 \ \ Men s silence and 14 how -women lie in <wait 
 for interesting men. 
 
 NOW at the window of mine house, 
 I looked through my casement, 
 2 And behold, a table spread, 
 with men and women sitting thereat; 
 
 3 And lo, every woman flirted with her 
 neighbor, and the men flirted with them ; 
 two and two flirted they until the coffee 
 was served ; and I regarded them. 
 
 4 And every woman watched the other 
 women privily, and made note of their 
 progress, who were in love, and who in 
 boredom, and who quarrelled withal. 
 
 5 Out of the corners of their eyes they 
 observed all things that were done at the 
 table, but they made no sign ; they flirted 
 continually. 
 
 6 But behold, the men were as blind, 
 each regarding his partner and none other ; 
 
METHUSELAH, 21. 
 
 Divers Theories 
 
 he attended each to his own affair, he 
 looked straightly, minding his business, 
 and in no wise observing the others at 
 the table. 
 
 7 Now coffee was served, and the 
 women left the men, going up to their 
 apartment and to the mirrors thereof. 
 
 8 And behold, the women gossiped one 
 to another of the men, saying untruth, 
 and they questioned each other withal, 
 and called their rivals honied names. 
 
 9 And they waited for the men. 
 
 10 But lo, the men smoked together and 
 took their ease, holding wise converse. 
 
 11 But no man talked of the women 
 in that house, nor mentioned the name 
 of any woman, nor spake they one of 
 another s, flirting. 
 
 12 And the time went merrily, withal, 
 no man desiring to leave the table nor the 
 cigars thereof. 
 
 13 Until the host spake, saying: It is 
 time, for the ladies await us. Then went 
 the men into the drawing-room of that 
 house slowly. 
 
 14 And the women awaited them with 
 
 92 
 
Final Cautions 
 
 M: 
 
 smiles, watching the door, seeing who 
 would be captured. 
 
 15 And she who was upon the couch in 
 the drawing-room made room for the 
 guest of honor, and he came and sate by 
 her, basking in her light. 
 
 16 And the other women smiled, saying 
 nothing, yet their brains coined swift 
 thoughts. 
 
 17 CI^Give her then the fruit of her 
 hands, and let her own works praise her 
 in the congregations of the elect; 
 
 18 For such is the way of a woman; 
 she winketh or sheddeth a tear,, and saith: 
 I have done no wickedness. 
 
 19 Seeing that in her eyes there is but 
 one thing worth considering, whether it 
 be her love or another s. 
 
 20 C^The words of Methuselah, son of 
 Enoch, in the nine hundred, sixty and 
 ninth year of his age, to his great grand 
 son Shem, at his coming of age, 
 
 21 That he might know women and be 
 instructed in his loves. 
 
 SELAH. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 Concordance 
 
 Acquainted, how to become, i : 14. 
 Admiration, a sign of, 19: 12. 
 Advice asked, not taken, 13: 50. 
 Aging, signs of a woman s, 16: 10. 
 Agony, how a woman bears, 6: 8. 
 Alarm clock, woman like, 20: 14. 
 Alike, all women, 17 : 5. 
 Allies, alLmen are, i : 9. 
 Alone, wildness of woman, 4: 6. 
 Ammunition exhausted by women, 2: 13. 
 Angel and Devil sisters, 19: 22. 
 
 or Devil, woman either, 12: 10. 
 
 Anniversaries, woman remembers, 17: n. 
 Anxious, making men, 13 : 56. 
 Apology offered man, 13 : 47. 
 Appraising costumes, 8: 19. 
 Arm on back of chair, 20: 9-13. 
 Attire approved by man, 13 : 43 ; 6 : 12. 
 
 women criticise, n : 20. 
 
 Authority on dress, every woman, n : 20. 
 Awkward questions, women who ask, 16: 4. 
 
 Babe, mother of one, 19: 7. 
 Babes extolled overmuch, 9: 10. 
 Baby photograph desired, 13: 28; 6: 13. 
 Baby-talk incomprehensible, 14 : a. 
 
7&r 
 
 Bachelor apartment, 13: 35. 
 
 Bachelor maid, 13: 54. 
 
 Bachelors understand women, 16: 8. 
 
 Back of woman s head, 19 : 13. 
 
 Bad women necessary to be known, 19 : 21, 
 
 Bargain counter, women at, 16: 14. 
 
 Bathroom, how to judge by, 10: 7. 
 
 Beauty, how not to judge, 19: 13. 
 
 how women rejoice in, 4: 13. 
 
 Beer, making him open, 13 : 26. 
 Bird in hand, women prefer, 7: 14. 
 Blushes not to be noticed, 2: 18. 
 Books, woman reads man s, 13 : 24. 
 Bores, how sometimes treated, 20 : 16-21. 
 Broken heart causes despair, 7: 16. 
 
 causes jesting, 17 : 16. 
 
 Brothers, value of having, 4: 8. 
 Business, interest in his, 13: 22. 
 Butcher s shop, fly in, 2 : 12. 
 
 Cabfare, how obtained, 3 : 5. 
 Calf-love, married woman best for, 2: 2. 
 Call, the third, 13: 15. 
 Callowness, dangers of, 19: 23-25. 
 Calls, regularity in, to be avoided, 3 : 13. 
 Captxired, ways women are, 15: 3. 
 Car door, shutting, 9: 13. 
 Chaperones, flirting with, 3 : 12. 
 Chaste woman, how to treat, 8: 5. 
 Cheap woman, signs of, 16: 16-23. 
 Child, man treated as, 3 : 6. 
 
 to give birth to, 10: 4, 5. 
 
 Chivalry, damsels yearn for, 17: 3. 
 Cigar, women like leaky, 2: n. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 i 
 
 Cigarette, habit feared, 13: 31. 
 
 the first, ii : g. 
 
 Cigarettes, how women smoke, 19: 15. 
 
 Cipher, letters written in, 2 : 15. 
 
 Comb with hair, 10: i. 
 
 Comely damsel, how flattered, 19: 5. 
 
 Comely youth, 17: 15. 
 
 Comfortable, woman makes man, 13: 39-41. 
 
 Commandments of a fond woman, 7 : 3. 
 
 Competition eschewed, 8 : 7. 
 
 Complexion, doubt of a good, 10 : 3. 
 
 Compliment turned to insult, n : 26. 
 
 Comradeship, woman pretends to want, 13: 19. 
 
 Confidante, the universal, 7 : 7. 
 
 Confide in one woman only, 12 : 4-7. 
 
 Confidence used as trick, 13 : 13. 
 
 Conscience, n : i ; 18: 1-18. 
 
 Consistent woman, 17: i. 
 
 Contemporaries, not to introduce, i : 8. 
 
 Contempt, sign of, 19 : 12. 
 
 Contraries, woman goes by, 7: 15. 
 
 Conversation, bad topics for, 2 : 5. 
 
 Convincing herself, woman s, n : 21. 
 
 Corset, black, an abomination, 10: i. 
 
 Costumes, women appraise, 8 : 19. 
 
 wear revealing, 4 : 15. 
 
 Couch cushion, lesson of, 10 : 9, 10. 
 Curiosity as to love, woman s, 2 : 6. 
 Curling locks, 2 : 16. 
 Cushion, woman like leaky, 4 : 7. 
 
 Darkness, deeds of, 10:8. 
 Dear, heisa f B:i. 
 
Debts, how women pay, 18 : 8-12. 
 
 Deceived, no harm in being, 12 : 8-10. 
 
 Decided, women least sure when, 19 : 16 ; n : 21. 
 
 Defeat, woman s victory is in, 6 : 7. 
 
 Desire many things, women, 17 : 12. 
 
 Devil and angel sisters, 19 : 22. 
 
 woman a possible, 12 : 10. 
 
 Dinner, a noisy, 2 : 17. 
 
 party, parable of, 21 : 1-16. 
 
 Discovery not always mortifying, 18 : 1-7. 
 Discrimination learned by propinquity, 2 : 3. 
 " Don t ! " used by foolish damsels, 4 : 10. 
 Dressmaker, way with, 14:2. 
 Duties, pleasant, neglected, 16 : 7. 
 
 Easy, all women, 12 : 3. 
 
 Economies of women, 16: 13-15. 
 
 Education of damsels pleasant, 16 : 5. 
 
 Eel in bathtub, women like, 8 : 6. 
 
 Embarrassed, women not easily, 18 : 1-7. 
 
 Emotion the mother of reason, 17 : 10. 
 
 Enemies, all women, i : 9. 
 
 Engaged maidens forget previous loves, n : 5. 
 
 laughed at, 15 : 14. 
 
 obligations of, 19 : 18. 
 
 Excuse, women should be offered, 10 : 15 ; 17 : 15, 
 Experience, fools despise, i : 3. 
 
 man judges by his own, n : n. 
 
 of unmarried maidens, 17 : 16. 
 
 Fair maiden, ways of, 7 : 12. 
 
 False, all women not, 12 : 8. 
 
 Farewells, how women delay, 20 : 16-21 ; 14 : 2. 
 
 Fat, women afraid of becoming, 10: 2. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 Fear of women, I 13. 
 
 Figure, danger of a perfect, 10: 3. 
 
 value of a perfect, 2: 16. 
 
 Financial obligations, women s, 18:8-12. 
 Fireplace, maiden repressed like, 12 : 2. 
 First call to be made alone, 14 : 12. 
 First kiss, how salved, 3 : 14, 15. 
 Fit, women not satisfied with, 14: 4. 
 Flattered, men easy to be, 17 : 9. 
 Flattering women, n : 14; 19 : 1-7. 
 Flattery, when injudicious, 16 : 9. 
 Flirtation, end of, 2 : 21. 
 
 must be original, 8 : 4. 
 
 preposterous, 5 : 8. 
 
 Fly on sticky paper, woman like, n : 23. 
 
 woman like pet, 2: 12. 
 
 Fool women, how to, 10:6. 
 
 Foolish women, how treated, 8 : 5. 
 
 Fools despise experience, I : 3. 
 
 Formality, end of, 19: n. 
 
 Fort, man like, 8 : 6. 
 
 Fortune-telling, women always believe, 4 : 3. 
 
 Frankness condones lying, n : 4. 
 
 of f reward women, n : 10. 
 
 women reproved for, 6 : 5, 6. 
 
 Frivolous maids, how flattered, 19 : 5. 
 Froward women, ways of, 19 : 23-25. 
 Frowns of women significant, 7 : 4. 
 Future, women live in, 8 : u. 
 
 General statements abhorred, 7 : 15. 
 Generalities to be avoided, n : 14. 
 Gentleman, I thought ikou <wert a, 13 : 62. 
 when woman is a, 17 : 2. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 urry 
 
 
 Gifts, how to receive, 8 : 2. 
 
 how women obtain. 3 : 2-5. 
 
 made in vain, 2 : 13. 
 
 woman gives foolish, 6 : 18. 
 
 Giving a woman her way, i : 13. 
 Glove, mending his, 5 : 18. 
 
 soiled, 16 : 21. 
 
 Goeth fast and far, woman, 17 : 7. 
 Gooseberry, man used as, 12 : 15. 
 Gossip, how women abhor, 11:3. 
 Gum in hair, women like, 16 : 2. 
 
 Ha ha., when I will say, 9 : 2. 
 Hair, gum in, 16 : 2. 
 
 Iha<ve washed my f 8 : 14. 
 
 in braids, 4 : 16. 
 
 in comb, 10 : i. 
 
 sign of differently dressed, 15 : 13. 
 
 Hairpin loose, n : 25. 
 Half-truths, how women tell, 18 : 13-17. 
 Hand held under table, 5 : 13. 
 Happy till satisfied, women, 17 : 13. 
 Hatpin, hat without, 4 : 6. 
 Hats, rotation of, 16 : 19. 
 Head, heart older than, 17 : 10. 
 Heart older than head, 17 : 10. 
 Heels, runover, 16 : 22. 
 Helpless, doing the, 13 : 21. 
 Honesty, irresistible in men, 17 : 14. 
 Housewife, how flattered, 19 : 6. 
 Humor, love made with, 5 : 7. 
 
 women lacking in, 2 : 10, n. 
 
 women s sense of, n : 13. 
 
 Hurry, women hate to, 14 : 8. 
 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 I 
 
 
 Husband understands women, 16 : 8. 
 
 lean trust ihee, J 3 = *4- 
 Ice-cream spilled on gown, 4:5. 
 Imagination, women s lack of, 2 : 7. 
 Impertinence, matron desires, 17 13. 
 Impossible, women demand the, 6 :$. 
 
 women do not seek the, 7 : 13. 
 
 Inconsistency, women s, 6 : i. 
 Indiscretion despised, 4 : 5. 
 uses of, 13 : 60. 
 Inevitable remarks, 14 : 6, 7. 
 Insatiable things, 14 : 3, 4. 
 Insult made of compliment, n : 26. 
 Introducing contemporaries, i : 8. 
 Irresistible things, 17 : 14. 
 I shall never marry, 9:11. 
 I told you so/ 9 : i ; 20 : 14. 
 
 Jaegers sometimes too evident, 16 : 23. 
 
 Jealousy, pretended, 13 : 65. 
 
 Jesting at love, 17 : 16 
 
 Judgment, woman who extolls man s, 13 : 25. 
 
 Kiss, first, comes hard, 16 : 3. 
 
 repentance after, 3 : 14, 15. 
 
 how fools, 14 : 14. 
 
 rebuked, 14 : 14. 15. 
 
 when to risk, 14 : 16. 
 
 Kisses, subjective and objective, n : 7. 
 Kissing, of a pair, 18 : 1-7. 
 
 woman who has ceased from, 8 : 20. 
 
 Kitchen, women s wiles in, 13 : 26. 
 
Lace 
 
 CONCORDANCE 
 
 Machine-embroidered 
 
 Lace, cheap, 8: ig. 
 Laggard lover, 5 : 1-4; 15:8. 
 Laugh when she laughs, n : 13. 
 Letter, a wise woman s, 5 : 17. 
 Letters, burned, 19 : 17. 
 
 preserved, 6 : 19. 
 
 shown to mother, 12 : i. 
 
 unsigned, 2 : 14. 
 
 value of pleasing, 19 : 14. 
 
 written in cipher, 2 : 15. 
 
 Liars, all women not, 12 : n. 
 
 Lie, how women, 6:9; 11:4; 10:19; 14 : 18 ; 18 : 16. 
 
 when honest women, 14 : 18. 
 
 Light and darkness, deeds of, 10 : 8. 
 Line, where women draw, 14 : n. 
 Lines drawn in pleasant places, 14 : n. 
 Lorgnon, uses of, 8 : 10. 
 Lot s wife, 7 : 17. 
 Love at first sight, 8 : 8. 
 
 betrays secrets, 19 : 9. 
 
 calf, married women best for, 2 : 2. 
 
 end of, 2 : 21. 
 
 how men make, 14 : 17. 
 
 law of, 5 : 9. 
 
 last, 5 : 15. 
 
 measured by memory, 17 : u. 
 
 previous, not to be told, i : 12. 
 
 ten signs of women s, 6 : 10-19. 
 
 unrequited, 15 : i, 2. 
 
 when women jest at, 17: 16. 
 
 women not hurried in, 14 : 8-10. 
 
 women s curiosity in, 2 : 6. 
 
 
 Machine-embroidered waists, 8 : 19. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 i, <woutd I<were ! 13 : 35- 
 Many reasons, a sign of, 19 : 10. 
 Matrons, how flattered, 19 : 3. 
 Measure of love, n : 12. 
 Meeting, to remember first, i : n. 
 Memory measure of love, 17 : u. 
 Mending his clothes, 13 : 36. 
 Methuselah s experience with women, 1:7; 2:1 
 
 13:2; 17:5; 19:20. 
 Mind, woman s, is quick, n : 22. 
 Misquoted remarks, i : 10. 
 Missing upper step, 20 : 15. 
 Mistaken, stubborn woman oft, 19 : 16. 
 Misunderstanding women delightful, 7 : 2. 
 Moon, absence of, unregretted, 20 : 5-7. 
 Mother, inquiring about his, 13 : 30. 
 
 how flattered, 19 : 7. 
 
 of a genius, 4 : n. 
 
 prophecy of a woman s, 5 : 19. 
 
 Mouse, woman afraid of, 6 : 3. 
 
 like, 2:11; 10 : n. 
 
 Mucilage brush in ink, woman like, 16 : 9. 
 Mystery held dear by women, 17 : 14. 
 
 Name, women never satisfied with, 14 : 5. 
 
 Names, pet, 13 : 18. 
 
 Negligee, sly uses of, 4 : 15. 
 
 Nerves, woman with, 14 : 2. 
 
 New raiment, to notice women s, i : u. 
 
 Nose, woman hates crooked, 2 : 20. 
 
 Obstinacy of men successful, 4: 12. 
 Office, interest in man s, 13 : 22. 
 Oily lover, 5 : 10. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 Olive, first kiss like, 16 : 3. 
 Omniscience, woman s, acquired, 10 : 4. 
 Other women, not to mention, 8:9. 
 
 Palmistry pleasant to women, 4 : 2. 
 
 Paradise, woman s, 8: 12. 
 
 Past, woman with, 2 : 14. 
 
 Pencil, women cannot sharpen, 2 : 12. 
 
 Personal relation, how established, 13 : 8. 
 
 Persuaded, when women can be, 19: 10. 
 
 Pet names, 13 : 18. 
 
 Pets as rivals to men, g : 9. 
 
 Photograph, asking for his, 13:28. 
 
 how women use, 12 : 12-15. 
 
 of his childhood, 6:13; 13 : 28. 
 
 when she sees your, i : 15. 
 
 women never satisfied u ith, 14 : 4. 
 
 Pianist, how flattered, 19 : 6. 
 
 Plain damsel, weapons of, 7 : 10, n. 
 
 Platitudes spoken by the innocent, n : 10. 
 
 Platonic friendship, 9 : 1-7. 
 
 Pleasant places, lines drawn in, 14 : n. 
 
 Points, women know their good, n : 17. 
 
 Poker game, revelation of, 19 : 19. 
 
 Present, man lives in the, 8 : n. 
 
 Previous loves discredited, n : 5. 
 not to be told, i : 12. 
 
 Promiscuousness of man, 10 : 13. 
 
 Propinquity teaches discrimination, 2 : 3. 
 
 Proposals, how women extort, 13 : 66-68. 
 
 Propose, when to, 15: 10, n. 
 
 Protection, strategy of, 13 : 10. 
 
 Proximity and propinquity, 13 : 9. 
 
 Prude amongst sports, n :8. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 
 Prudence of women, 7 : 14. 
 
 Public places, women not to be shown in, 2 : 18. 
 
 Pullman, women in, g : 14. 
 
 Quarrel, value of, 8:3. 
 
 voluntarily provoked, 13 : 46. 
 
 women s behavior after, 17 : 2. 
 
 Questions, awkward, 4:7; 10 : 12-14 ; 16 : i, 4. 
 
 foxy, 15:5. 
 
 important, 17 : 4. 
 
 Raiment, remembering women s, i : u. 
 
 women show new, 6 : 12. 
 
 Reason, women always have a, 2 : 4. 
 
 women s emotion mother of, 17 : 10. 
 
 Receivers, women ready, 2: 13. 
 
 Reform, women who attempt man s, 13 : 31. 
 
 Refusal, agony of women s, 6:2. 
 
 Regularity in calls to be avoided, 3 : 13. 
 
 Remarks, women s inevitable, 8 : 15-17. 
 
 Reproach, women s, 13:62. 
 
 Reproof, value of, 2 : 19. 
 
 women cannot brook, 9 : 8. 
 
 Retrospection, women s, 7 : 17. 
 Revelations of women in love, 4 : 14. 
 Ring, solitaire moonstone, 16 : 17. 
 Rival, how to discover, 7 : 5. 
 
 women study, n : 18. 
 
 Rivalry, advantages of, 13 : 56. 
 
 women s, 15 : 7. 
 
 Rubbers, woman anxious about, 13 : 33. 
 
 Saints, woman friend worth a million, 12 : n. 
 Scrutiny of women, women s, 8 : 18. 
 
 
Seashore 
 
 CONCORDANCE 
 
 Stubborn 
 
 Seashore, damsel at, 14 : 8, g ; 15:6. 
 Seconds only won by craft, 5 : 14. 
 Secrets, and signals, 12 : 5. 
 
 establishing, 13 : 17. 
 
 how women divulge, 2 : 7. 
 
 like Icose tooth, 4 : i. 
 
 spitting out, in wrath, 17 : i. 
 
 use of, i : 14. 
 
 when to hide, 7 : 8, 9. 
 
 Sentiment irresistible in man, 17 : 14. 
 Shame, cause of women s, 18 : 7. 
 Shirt-waist not clean, 8 : 19. 
 
 the thin, 4 : 15. 
 
 when to wear black, 20 : 2. 
 
 Shoes, women lie about size, n : 19. 
 Shrew, taming of a, 3 : 8-n. 
 Sickness, solicitude anent, 13:37. 
 Side combs loose, n : 25. 
 Signs of undesirable women, 9 : 12-15. 
 
 women in love, 6 : 10-19. 
 
 Silence, value of, 3 : 7 ; 4:4. 
 
 Silly damsels, how flattered, 19 : 2. 
 
 Siphon, flirtation like, 2 : 21. 
 
 Smiles of women deceitful, 7 : 4. 
 
 Snow, a woman whiter than, 17 : 2. 
 
 Soft lover, 5 : 10. 
 
 Sport amongst prudes, n : 8. 
 
 Squirm, when men shall, 9 : 5. 
 
 Started, when women are once, 17 : 17. 
 
 Stocking, hole in, 16:22. 
 
 Stone on hilltop, women like, 17 : 6. 
 
 Strength, women admire man s, 13 : 12. 
 
 Struggle provoked, 13: 61. 
 
 Stubborn women often mistaken, 19: 16. 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 Subtle man provides excuses, 17 : 15. 
 Sugar, woman like spilt, 4:9. 
 Sure, when women are least, 19: 16. 
 
 Talker, loud, 16:2. 
 Talking of himself, 19 : 12. 
 Taste, man s, extolled, 13 : 45. 
 Tardy women, 20 : 15. 
 Teasing women abhorred, 4:9. 
 Telegrams, women s, 8:13. 
 Telephone, women at, 9 : 15. 
 Telling all she knows, 19 : 9. 
 Theatre ticket, how obtained, 3 : 5. 
 Theatricals, women in private, 6 : 9. 
 Thoroughbred, the, 16 : 16. 
 Thoughts, women s untellable, i : 15. 
 Ticket window, women at, 9 : 13. 
 Trite remarks of women, 8: 14-17. 
 Trust, woman to, 12:4-7. 
 Truth, half told for whole, 18 : 13-17. 
 
 whole taken for half, u : 24. 
 
 Tooth, secret like loose, 4 : i. 
 Towel, woman like new, 16 : i. 
 Ta Qjoque, women s, 2 : 9. 
 Twenty-four, frivolity of, 16 : 12. 
 Twenty-three, cynicism of, 16 : n. 
 Typewriter, deceptive appearance of, 15 : 4 
 
 Unchaste women, how treated, 8 : 5. 
 Undemonstrative women deceptive, 15 : 8. 
 Underwear, solicitude about, 13 : 33. 
 Unknowable things, 14: i, 2. 
 Unmarried damsel, experience of, 17 : 16. 
 Untellable thoughts, i : 15. 
 
 UntelUble 
 
CONCORDANCE 
 
 Vain, women think men are, 17 : 8. 
 Vanity of men taken advantage of, 3 : 2-5. 
 to be curbed, 3 : i. 
 
 Waist that buttons up behind, 8 : 10. 
 
 Washed mine hair, I have, 8:14. 
 
 Way, giving a maiden her, i : 13. 
 
 Wedding in haste, 15 : 12. 
 
 Weep, when woman does not, 13 : 48. 
 
 Weeping, how to circumvent, 7 : 6. 
 
 Wet velvet, woman like, 2 : n. 
 
 White, when a woman is, 16 : 6. 
 
 Wickedness like innocence, 19:23. 
 
 Widow, education of, 4 : 8. 
 
 Wiles, complete alphabet of, 13 : 8-68. 
 
 of foxy maidens, 20 : 1-8. 
 
 Wise women, how flattered, 19: 2, 5. 
 
 how treated, 8 : 5. 
 
 women s letters, 5 : 17. 
 
 Witful men s love-making, 5 : 5-8. 
 Witty women, how flattered, 19 : 5. 
 Wooing, women never satisfied with, 14: 4. 
 Would l^toere a man I 13 : 35. 
 Wrong woman exasperating, 4 : 6. 
 Writing, women s in magazines, 2 : 7. 
 
 You, when she calls you, 19 : n. 
 
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