ttif 
 
 
 Clark 
 
 Doctor's "do"-ings
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 T>OCTOR'S "DOMNGS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 3 ENTRAPPED HEX&BSS OF 
 W M! 
 
 a Ibatmtal poem* 
 
 y QUINTIN QUEERFELLOW. 
 
 Such vices as stand not accountable t4( law should be cured 
 b«^I tetters — by CMtiag^ink on theuj."— Mahstok. 
 
 BBY LIMITED NUMBER REPRINTED 
 FROM THE SUPPRESSED EDITION, 
 FOR PRESENTS ONLY. 
 
 fLottDtcit: 
 
 PRINTED BY 
 
 IBS fVILLSON, GJSTLE HI LL 
 1839.
 
 i 
 
 .' ^
 
 DOCTORS "DO'-INGS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ENTRAPPED HEIRESS OF 
 W BI! 
 
 ^ Oatmeal 3&otm. 
 
 BY QUINTIN QUEERFELLOW. 
 
 « Such Tices as stand not accountable to law should be cured 
 as men heal tetters — by casting ink on them.'*— Mabston. 
 
 .O 
 
 A VERY LIMITED NUMBER REPRINTED 
 
 FROM THE SUPPRESSED EDITION, 
 
 FOR PRESENTS ONLY. 
 
 ftortotcJi: 
 
 PRINTED BY 
 
 JAMES WILL SON, CASTLE HILL. 
 
 1839.
 
 % ISoctot'jCi ";io"=tns0; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ENTRAPPED HEIRESS OF 
 W M! 
 
 GODS ! from B — xt — n what strange news we hear,- 
 
 They say, a rheumatic old soul, 
 Some weeks since, at their Church, without shame, 
 
 From the altar made off with the COAL ! 
 
 That from W m, in Essex, they find, 
 
 This offender so hold came to town ; 
 
 Where — long before now ! — he has been 
 
 As a "culler oi simples''' well known! 
 
 That e'en ere the rash act was committed, 
 
 Quite incensed secni'd each hater of vice ; 
 
 For 'twas plain that the Priest — ^just before — 
 Had made such a great sacrifice! 
 
 Yet, rather than make such another, 
 
 They trust long at homo he may tarry ; 
 
 For it seems — though so devilish strange — 
 He sacrificed all to " Old Harry V' 
 
 Should you fear that I slander this Priest, 
 Let reflection abate your misgiving ; 
 
 They must all be sad "dogs" that so make 
 
 E'en the dead help support their good Living I 
 
 But as some — like our sly son of Galen — 
 
 May few patience possess, and me blame. 
 
 Know, the COAL that was taken — though strange- 
 Had without any match "raised vl flame V* 
 
 85S760
 
 Mind, I don't mean the flame raised by " Swing ;" 
 By his much less mischief is done, — 
 
 But a "flame" in a doctor's breast raging, 
 Which seem' d a most phial-eut one ! 
 
 Yes, a lass, in this doctor, alas ! 
 
 Had destroyed all the wonted tranquillity ; 
 Than before, he grew rougher in manners, 
 
 Though he lost not his fame for doae-ill-ity ! 
 
 And *tis doubtful if much he'd have fretted 
 
 Had he found there were me and all you ill : 
 
 Strange ! to see oue so anxious for COAL, 
 Yet not at all pleased to see/ew ill! 
 
 To hint why this COAL had such power 
 
 Does not us dull sinners become ; 
 But Pat thinks to be charm'd there's a "r««o«" 
 
 When 'tis current that there is " a plum V 
 
 Sure, her favour'd with cash or estate 
 
 Is the lass of all others to take ; 
 When old r — k — s once find out such a fair. 
 
 How soon we espy them a-wake ! 
 
 Though se-rfMc-tion's a most foul offence. 
 
 There's a thought makes o — r case seem less black; 
 
 Those who pond-er it o'er should reflect 
 The offender is only a q k ! 
 
 Besides, by some Benedicts young 
 
 He'd been told there was nothing in life — 
 
 Except 'twas a brute of a husband — 
 That ever yet beat a good wife ! 
 
 When he blushingly kiielt as your slave. 
 
 And sigh'd out oach heartfelt expression, 
 
 Oh ! G a, you then must have thought 
 
 Those who "practice" regard " the profession!"
 
 But go ask sage Experience this. 
 
 And her sides you'll with laughter convulse: 
 Would that he who's a pulse so oft felt 
 
 Had been doom'd then to feel a Rv,-pulse ! 
 
 Marvel not that a Knight of the Lancet 
 
 Should so writhe 'neath the rosy god's shafts, 
 
 When it seems such a poor sorry plan 
 
 To raise "the wind" merely by draughts 1 
 
 E'en where there no lack is of " brass " 
 The prospect it ever must please, 
 
 To have — with our "silvery locks" — 
 
 A good store of gold 'neath our keys ! 
 
 And this prospect delightful to view. 
 
 You have only to win a rich lass ; — 
 
 Oh ! all — like our Catholics — now 
 
 Seem in secret inclined to a-mass .' 
 
 But our "leech" e'er he so salivates us, 
 His Id'^e of quicksilver seems vast ; 
 
 So few are surprised now they see him 
 
 E'en attempt to make gold SlVv'iwq fast t 
 
 Compared with bright age, sure, us boys 
 
 Of the charms of the sex are poor scanners ; 
 
 Had we nous, we should ne'er "tell our love" 
 But to her who possesses good manors ! 
 
 "Man's estate" may suffice for dull youth, — 
 For him who's to running no debtor, — 
 
 But the wisdom of age, it appears, 
 
 Deems that of an heiress far better ! 
 
 On the few friends G a has left 
 
 How severe is the sentence now heard ; 
 
 For the silly belle still had been free 
 
 If of counsel she'd gain'd but a word I
 
 i
 
 Since she's been so entrapp'd, some with doubt 
 Of the victim's right intellect speak ; 
 
 They forget — if with '■'■ doctor'' s stuff ''^ plied — 
 E'en Sathanus himself would seem weak ! 
 
 But if aimed our shafts be at her. 
 
 On the wrong horse the saddle we put ; 
 
 And think not a man's "weaker vessel^' 
 Shall e'er of our jokes be the butt ! 
 
 Others think, the young lass (d la David) 
 Take for heat did her musty old soul ; 
 
 But Pat — who to cash gives odd names — 
 
 Says 'twas only to get at " the COLE !" 
 
 And now-a-days vice grows so rife — 
 
 To such a strange jiass things are brought, 
 
 "We see — where no principle' s found — 
 
 For mere interest men will do aught ! 
 
 Oh ! if in .this world there's a sight 
 
 At which offence honesty takes, 
 It is to see young beauty live 
 
 . But to "fork out" the cash for old r — k — 8 ! 
 
 And we fear, fair G a, you'W find. 
 
 As of cash oft such gents stand in need. 
 
 They'll not prove, in the end, but vain fears 
 
 When your "love" has resolved you to "■bleed T* 
 
 But the wife whose good lord's such a gunner. 
 Oh! surely it ne'er much can shock her— 
 
 (When it don't "break the peace") — to behold him 
 Extract a few "shot from the locker!" 
 
 Yet, as oft there's a sad "going off," 
 
 E'en where much of guns appears known, — 
 
 Such a wife, if she's wise, will entrust 
 
 The "stock" in no hands but her own !
 
 Howe'er, in o — r case, there's a thought 
 Which lessens the disapprobation : — 
 
 Some at length, who've e'er sought after pleasure , 
 Content are with mere re-creation ! 
 
 And hut right, sure, it is in those wights 
 
 Who've so oft put an end to men's cares. 
 
 To try the sad loss — through their draughts — 
 To make up by their number of heirs ! 
 
 Yet, though to be greeted as " Father !" 
 A pride in some breasts may inspire, 
 
 We can't believe one e'er so merry 
 Really wishes to soon be a sire / 
 
 If he does, oh ! to others' sad LOT, 
 
 'Tis hoped, ere he leaps, he will look ; 
 
 For — Malthus-like — married men all 
 
 Should e'er a good eye keep to Hook !* 
 
 Oh ! what numbers of husbands have sigh'd 
 
 O'er their wives' doctor's bills till they've quiver'd ; 
 
 But, G a, should .9Ae be "confined," 
 
 There'll no long ugly Bill be deliver'd ! 
 
 If a doctor he'd been, even Malthus, 
 
 Perhaps, would have held half his "jaw ;" 
 
 For he then might have cared scarce a rush 
 At finding his spouse in "the stratv !" 
 
 Then, as those wise "faculty" lads 
 
 Than others have much less to fear, 
 It may please her fond youth should G 
 
 Soon as mothery grow as stale beer ! 
 
 * In Aberconway church-yard, Caernarvonshire, is the fol- 
 lowing' Epitaph : — " Here lieth the body ttf Nicbolus Huok, of 
 Conway, Gent., who was the one-aud-fortietii child of his 
 father, William lluok, Esq., by Alice his wife, and the father 
 of seven-aud-twenty tliildren. He died the 20tii day of March, 
 1637."
 
 ;)
 
 Poor thing ! as grim Death never long 
 
 Lets the aged go free as he speeds, 
 Fair G a, — e'en should she not wish it — 
 
 How soon must the ^^ flower" be "in weeds!" 
 
 Should she see through the plot, and resent, 
 "What a life for her dotard, — my stars ! 
 
 Then — as well as nice pots in his shop — 
 In his house, oh, what " family ^ar*/" 
 
 For full oft, as I'd have each youth know 
 Ere his "dear" he escorts to the altar, 
 
 Worse evils arise from the bridal 
 
 Than Jack Ketch ever saw from the halter ! 
 
 When too late, he discover will then. 
 
 While his days seem fast reaching their goal. 
 
 How some "■hands" — who'd fain stand near the §■/•««#, 
 "Burn ihe\r fingers" thro' meddling with COAL ! 
 
 Yes, then he'll repent it full sore, 
 
 That he e'er tried the heiress to win ; 
 
 And find — like each pair in Noah's ark — 
 How nicely he's been " taken in !" 
 
 But, as gunners like him, who so blest? 
 
 They still have resources, we trace ; 
 For-— whenever aught injures their nerves — 
 
 How soon they can go get " a brace /" 
 
 And, did you know the life led by young wives 
 Who are cursed with mates dull as logs. 
 
 You might guess how 'twill please gay G a 
 
 When she finds her's is "gone to the dogs !" 
 
 — Ah! how oft doth the loss of a parent 
 To the hopes of the child prove a bar : 
 
 In — r case, all yet well had remained 
 If the mother had still been the mar !
 
 1
 
 8 
 
 Her dead,— see THE ORPHAN pack'd off 
 With guileless friend D — n to abide ; 
 
 And there — till attain'd was the end — 
 Kept from others so smigly aside ! 
 
 Know, all knavish plotters, this worthy — 
 So good is his jockeyship recond'd — 
 
 When for aid you're obliged to go forth, 
 
 He's of all men the first for your second ! 
 
 There's no fear that in his honest breast 
 Any plan to deceive you e'er lurks: 
 
 Far and near, he as famed is for faith 
 
 As his medical friend is for " works I" 
 
 Yet, they say, should you lend him a D d, 
 
 You would then indeed seem no discerner ; 
 
 For — though things he so strives to o'erturn — 
 You would find he was not a re-turner! 
 
 Poor D — fi i not fit e'en for a lawyer. 
 
 Immaculate wights as they are : 
 In Saint St — ph — n's howe'er he may rail, 
 
 No "post" can he get at the Bar! 
 
 No doubt, as so snugly got through 
 
 All has been for o — r 3Ii8s-"do"-ing Mister, 
 D — n will try — now he sees him a husband — 
 
 To make him to one e'en a-sister! 
 
 —All vow since o — r pair left the altar, 
 And ah ! 'tis as clear as the sun. 
 
 That the Priest — when he'd fasten'd their knot — 
 Left ONE to remain still undone ! 
 
 See, when a Trustee's to be chosen. 
 
 On his fitness how one can enlarge ; — 
 
 But a popper of guns and "the question" 
 
 Will, doubtless, look well to "the charge!"
 
 — When we pass'd 'tother day, lord ! how toniah 
 
 By his "love" o — r 'Squire loll'd in his chaise: 
 
 Oh ! that plain honest grazier, his dad, 
 
 What would he have thought of his greys I 
 
 But a sight I then saw so alarms, 
 
 It all hopes from my mind has quite " dreft :" 
 Though " the right side" he got of her once. 
 
 E'en thus soon on the other he's left ! 
 
 And who knows ? through G a, at length. 
 
 If with spirit enough she's endued, 
 We may find o — r good hero — so clever — 
 
 To all even seeming quite shrew'd! 
 
 Oh ! than see a q k's grey, sure, each draught, 
 
 Away men much sooner would chuck it ; 
 
 For bow shocking Death's "pale horae" to view 
 
 When we're sure then to soon "kick the bucket!" 
 
 O — r h — o'»» nice "friend,"* Mr. H n'em, 
 
 Cares not what colour'd steed 'tis he runs, 
 
 " Provided al-ways," to his optics. 
 
 There is no "Appearance" of *'duns!" 
 
 — Recollect you must not, my "old file," 
 
 While youth has demands which still urge on. 
 
 Quite run wild should your v m, at length. 
 
 Seem to waive all the claims of the surge-on ! 
 
 And, certes, it e'er is alarming. 
 
 While one's spouse ev'ry day still more snubs. 
 To find, after all, their fine wed-lock 
 
 Is not quite so safe as famed Chubb's ! 
 
 * " Who friendship with ;i k e has made. 
 
 Is judged a partner in the trade!" 
 So says the moralist ; besides, " A man is always known by 
 the company he keeps! !"
 
 10 
 
 Most old wights, circumstanced like yourself. 
 As well as the rose, find the thorns ; 
 
 While their neighbours, with truth, trumpet forth — 
 " Their brows should be deck'd with the h — ns I** 
 
 But know, Doctor, — (as he who's thus cross'd 
 Some thought to console him so needs) — 
 
 Should G a e'er vex with her actions, 
 
 You'll still remain blest with her Deeds / 
 
 Besides, to y — r pure 1 — g — 1 "friend" 
 
 E'er a case of c — m. c — n. would prove nuts ; 
 
 And one 'twould assist on whom "duns" 
 
 Now inflict the unkindest of "C Sf 
 
 —Gentle Reader, you now must be tired — 
 
 Perhaps, think to the dogs I've long threw sense ; 
 
 I shall pun till I you quite disgust. 
 
 For such wit, we all know, is a new sense ! 
 
 If (a miller's shirt like) I've been bold,* 
 I crave pardon of each subject British ; 
 
 And I trust you'll excuse my Pegasus 
 
 If at times he appears rather skittish ! 
 
 Oh ! long may it be ere again 
 
 I have such vicious deeds to record : 
 
 Strange ! to see men are still narrow-minded 
 
 When we're told the schoolmaster's a-hroad! 
 
 But hold, — here's the last of my stanzas — 
 
 All my satiric wit is now penn'd ; 
 So behold — as you would a fop's clothes — 
 
 At last, you've arrived at 
 
 THE END! 
 
 » " The Saxon Proverb says, * there is nothing bolder than 
 a milier^s shirt, for every morning it talies a thief bj the 
 throat.* "-^Facetice Bebellanee.
 
 THE 
 SLY OLD W M MISS-"DO"-ER! 
 
 A SONG. 
 
 in imitation of "the fine old english 
 gentleman/' 
 
 I'll sing you a prime new song, 
 
 Made by a queer chap's pate, 
 Of a sly old W m Mi,^S'"do"-er, 
 
 Who had but "man's estatk;" 
 But who kept up an appearance 
 
 At a most expensive rate ; 
 With "flunkies" gay, to make display, 
 
 And stand about his gate, 
 Like a real English gentleman. 
 Born in these showy times ! 
 
 His house, so fine, was daily fiU'd 
 
 With ladies "nice," and beaus, 
 And r — k — s, and sly old cronies, 
 
 Who had fed him ere he rose : 
 "ifwas there the worthy reign'd supreme. 
 
 In rich unpaid-for hose. 
 And gulp'd again his port till each 
 
 Had redden'd well his nose, 
 Like a real Bacchanalian, 
 Born in these sober times ! 
 
 When old age grim brought aches and pains. 
 
 He long'd to gain a spouse, 
 And though threescore, or near, his years, 
 
 He, youth-like, did "propose:" 
 Nor was the w — y hyp e 
 
 E'er driven from his hold ; 
 For soon he lured his simple fair. 
 
 And now he "melts" her gold. 
 Like a real dashing man of ton, 
 Born in these sporting times !
 
 Oh ! my dupe she vos young, and my dupe she vos 
 "blind" too, 
 And no counsel gived those stupid friends vot could 
 my dupe's mind svay ; 
 For to ved me vos a thing she never vos inclined to, 
 But I sent ray dupe far off to D — n's, snug, snug avay! 
 
 For many long weeks my dupe from youths vos parted. 
 For many long weeks at D— n's vos bound to stay; 
 
 Good luck to that chap vot never vos falsehearted, (! I) 
 Oh ! I'll love my D — n for ever, for he plann'd, 
 plann'd the vay ! 
 
 There is some old "dogs" is so preciously designing, 
 A-coaxing of the simple gals they vish to make all 
 pay ; 
 As soon as they have "done" 'em, so shamefully they 
 "run" 'em. 
 And they never rests nor ceases till all's spung'd, 
 spung'd avay ! 
 
 Oh ! I saw'd my dupe of age ere to the church we 
 started, 
 Vhich did give her, as I hinted, power with her cash 
 to play ; 
 And though she may me hate, oh ! ve'll never more be 
 parted, 
 For she'll "fork out" and keep "bleeding" for 
 many a long day ! 
 
 AH in my puss I eyes the round shiners, 
 
 All in my puss for a nice good dip they lay ; 
 
 If any von should ax't how I gots at 'em. 
 Tell 'em that an heiress I lured, lured avay ! 
 
 Norwich : Printed by James Willsottt Castle Hill.
 
 
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 date stamped below. 
 
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