5834 W41n I 79G Asi I : SOUTHERN REC v the r? ,- G NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE, A MORAL EPISTLE FROM THE PAVILION AT BRIGHTON* TO CARLTON HOUSE, LONDON. DEAR COUSIN CARLEY, It was said, and said wisely, that telling one's grief, In a certain degree, will insure us relief: And I hope you're too just, though I'm craz'd and forlorn, To unite with the vulgar, and treat me with scorn. That I'm not what I was, is but wofully true j But I trust I shall ever be valu'd by you. Ah me ! what a change has occurr'd in my state, Smce he who enjoy'd me has prov'd an ingrate ! I am * BRioHTHELMsTONK.or Bri o h to .n , iii Sussex, is 54 miles from London. It was, like Amsterdam, a miserable-fishing town, but is now a place of im- portance, to which it was raised by the countenance and bounty of the Princ* of Va l e s. The houses are, generally speaking, more inconvenient than un- handsome; and the streets are narrow and irregular. In the year 1699, more than 100 huts were swallowed by the sea; and in a few years more, all the tenements on the Cliffs will be similarly devoured, unless a very formidable embankment is erected to resist that imperious element. It is one of those numerous watering-places which beskirt this polluted island, and operate as apologies for idleness, sensuality, and nearly all the ramifications of ocial imjiorturc: where the ban en seek a stimulus for fecundity; the * volup- 97/W/^ THE I^JQ NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE, A MORAL EPISTLE FROM THE PAVILION AT BRIGHTON* TO CARLTON HOUSE, LONDON. DEAR COUSIN CARLEY, JLt was said, and said wisely, that telling one's grief, In a certain degree, will insure us relief: And I hope you're too just, though I'm craz'd and forlorn, To unite with the vulgar, and treat me with scorn. That I'm not what I was, is but wofully true 5 But I trust I shall ever be valu'd by vou. Ah me ! what a change has occurr'd in my state, Since he who cnjoy'd me has prov'd an ingrate ! I am * Lrk;hthi:i.Mston E,or Brighton, in Sussex, 1S54 miles from London. It was, like Amsterdam, a miserable-fishing town, but is now a place of im- portance, to which it was raised by the countenance and bounty of the Prince of Wales. The houses are, generally speaking, more inconvenient than un- handsome; and the streets are narrow and irregular. In the year 1009, more than 100 huts were swallowed by the sea; and in a few years more, all the tenements on the Cliffs will be similarly devoured, unless a very formidable embankment is erected to resist that imperious element. It is one of those numerous watering-places which beskirt this polluted island, and operate as apologies for idleness, sensuality, and nearly all the ramifications of social imposture: where the barren seek a stimulus fur fecundity; the * volup- 97S9.SR THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. I am like an old wife, now, continually weeping Who would think, from my visage, I e'er was in keeping ? When he first nestled here he was handsome and thin, No razor had then mown his stubbleless chin : He was sportive and careless, bland, upright, and young, And I smil'd on his feats when he said or he sung : Then voluptuary to wash the cobwebs from the interstices of his flaccid anatomy; and the swag-bellied denizen, the rancid adhesion of old cheese, Irish butter, junk, assa-fectida, tallow, mundungus, and train-oil. There arc two taverns, namely, the Castle and the Old Ship, where the richer visitors resort ; and at each of these houses a weekly assembly is held, where a master of the ceremonies attends, to arrange the parties, not according to the scale of utility, but that of aristocracy. There is a ball every Mon- day at the Castle, and on Thursdays at the Old :f hip : every subscriber pays three shillings and sixpence, and every non-subscriber five shillings ; for which they are entitled to a beverage which they call tea and coffee. The masters of the respective inns receive the profits, except on those nights appointed for the benefit of the master of the ceremonies ; to whom all, who wish to be arranged as people of distinction, subscribe one guinea and who would not purchase distinction at so cheap a rate ? Independently of this vain douceur, they must pay mest liberally for their tickets ! The card assemblies are on Wednesdays and Fridays. There is an hotel, which was intended as a country Hummums, or grand dormitory ; but, in my weak opinion, the establishment is somewhat inefficient, unless it can be supposed that the tumultuous equipment of stage-coaches, at die dawn of day, is contributory to the purposes of rest. -There is a theatre, commodious, and generally well directed; the nights of performance are Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. At the lower end of North- itreet is a sort of Birmingham Vauxhall, called the Promenade Grove: it is a small inclosure of a paddock, tormented from its native simplicity, befringed with a few gawkey poplars, and decorated with flowers, bowers, benches, frogs, ground- ivy, a ditch, and a wooden box for the minstrels. The coast is like the greater part of its visitors, bold, saucy, intrusive, and dangerous. The bathing-machines, even for the ladies, have no awning or covering, as at Weymouth, Margate, and Scarborough ; con- sequently they are all severely inspected by the aid of telescopes, not only as they confusedly ascend from the sea, but as they kick and sprawl and flounder about its muddy margin, like so many mad Naiads in flannel smocks : THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Then vouth bore its own pardon, while stumbling o'er ill, As the passions o'erthrew what was meant by the will. When the full ardent Moon, from her silvery post, O'erheated the sculls of the world's motley host j Made the chymist more zealous to transmute his dross, And adventurers losing to treble that loss ; I have smoc cks: the shore is so disastrously imperfect, that those beginners who paddle in. are injured by the shocking repulsion of the juices to the brain ; and of those who are enabled to plunge in, and swim beyond the surge, it is somewhat less than an even bet that many never return in truth, the loss of lives here every season, would make any society miserable, who were not congregating in the mart of noisy folly There is a Subscription House, or Temple of Fortune, on the Kteyne, where the minor part of our blessed nobility are accustomed to reduce their characters and their estates in the same period; the signal for admittance is habeo for rejection, debeo. There are lodgings of all descriptions and fitness, from twenty pounds per week on the Cliffs, to half a crown per night in a stable; and the sinews of morality are so happily relaxed, that a bawd and a baroness may snore in the same tenement ; the keepers of the lodging- houses, like the keepers of mad-houses, having but one common point in viewtq bleed the parties sufficiently. There are carriages and caravans of all shapes and dimensions, from a waggon to a fish-cart ; in winch you may move like a king, a criminal, or a crab, that is, forwards, backwards, or laterally There are two libraries on the Steyne, replete with every flimsy species of novels, involving the prodigious intrigues of an imaginary society : this kind of recreation is termed light reading ; perhaps from the certain effect it has upon the brains of my young countrywomen, of making them light-beaded.' There is a parish church, where the canaille go to pray ; but as that is on a hill, and the gentry found their sabbath visit to the Almighty very troublesome, the amiable and accommo- dating mister priest has consigned the care of his common parish mutton to his journeyman, the curate, and has kindly raised a Chapel Royal for the lambs of fashion, where a certain sum is paid for every seat : and this, it must be admitted, is as it should be ; as a well-bred 1 'city will assuredly be more attentive to a reclining Dutchess, parrying the assaults of the devil behind her fan. than the vulgar piety of a plebeian on his knees. There were book, open in the circulating libraries, where you were requested to contri- bute your mite of charity to the support of the rector, as his income is some- b 2 what 8 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. I have seen him inwove with a pestilent crew, Who nine-tenths came undone, and the rest to undo ! When those caitiffs came thund'ring in impudent state, And drew up their tandems and gigs at my gate, Full of wrath at their daring, I rav'd and I swore, Then I let in an Eddy that slamm'd to the door : But, alas ! it avail'd not 'twas open'd again, And the P rose, and welcom'd the toad-eating train ! He urbane smil'd on ah, where 'twas sin to look sad, As God's light aids in common the good and the bad. I tore off Folly's cloak to exhibit the wrong ; How I toil'd to advise, but was stunn'd with a song : I made signs on my plaster to rally them all, But no Daniel was there to decipher the wall. Ah ! I know his large heart and beneficent plan ; Though he's run from the course, yet he feels like a man Though he dissipates seeds of an undeserv'd sorrow, And gaily puts off half his ills till the morrow, His radical nobleness knows no decay ; He will act, but not cant he'll relieve ere he'll pray : As Charity's retinue own, while embrae'd, In his gift he gives twice, 'tis a deed so well grac'd. what less than seven hundred pounds a year ; the last Incumbent died worth thirty thousand pounds. During the first dawnings of convalescence after the suspension of the King's intellectual faculties, he asked Dr. Wi i. lis how much he netted by his Lincolnshire pluralities " Eight hundred per year," was the reply. " i hen why," added the monarch, " do you, who are so rich, undertake to cure mad people for hire ?" " I imitate Jesus Christ, .ire, who went about doing good." <; Yes; but," rejoined his Majesty, " in the fiist place, Jesus Christ did good for nothing; and in the second, he had not eight hundred a year, my friend !" When THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE, "When their mirth grew to madness, and jests met the ear, Which Philosophy scorns, and no maiden should hear, Convuls'd with disdain I soon alter'd their note, For I shut up the principal valve of my throat ; Till the smoke in vast volumes pour'd Into their room, And enwrapp'd the loud mob in a horrible gloom, More foetid than Vulcan inhal'd with his breath j More thick than e'er pass'd o'er the threshold of Death ; More choking than Cyclops drank in at their forge , More rank than the reptile of Thebes could disgorge : As they gasp'd, it rush'd down their intestines, and clogg'd em, And from pharynx to rectum begrim'd and befogg'd 'em : While hoarsely they growl'd at the house and the smother, Though, by knowing the cause, they had curs'd one another. 'Mid their baneful carousals I've fum'd and I've fretted, Till from kitchen to garret I've croak'd and I've sweated , By pressure I made my joints crack I can't bawl And drops, drawn from my heart, ran from every wall : But his H -SS, not knowing my woes or displeasure, Renew'd the broad catch, and refill'd every measure ; While the rascals around him, revil'd the damp mansion, And my marrow scorch'd up by the fire's expansion : Which so heated my fibres and bones -I mean wood That a putrescent fever polluted my blood ; Which settled behind the bed's-head of the F e, And I've not had my health or my ease ever since ; Yet IO THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Yet I'm sure he would grieve, his politeness is such, Had he known that a lady had suffer'd so much. Thus they swill'd and reswill'd, and repeated their boozings, Till their shirts became dy'd with purpureal oozings. When the taster sought wine of a primary sort, I have cough' d 'neath the bin, and shook all the old port, Till 'twas muddy as Will B ck's brains yet each varlet Said 'twas bright as a ruby, and toasting some harlot, Would then smack his lips in despite of my labor ! Oh ye gods ! how I wish'd for a list and a sabre, To cut down the hiccupping braggarts with glee, That is, if their heads could be injur'd by me. When Weltjie has cook'd for the half-famish'd group, How oft have I belch'd pecks of soot in his soup : Yet e'en that could not drive them from board or from bed, Though 'twas render'd as black as an Ethiop's head : When I've made it as foul as a Scot's ragged tartan, The rogues gulp'd it down, and all swore it was Spartan. When they've sat near the fire in knee-squeezing rows, I have spit out a coal, and demolish'd their hose : All my grates have breath'd sulphur to stifle their powers ; I'd a watch in my sides to beat minutes and hours : When I've seen a Blight glide 'twixt the earth and the skies, I've coax'd in the demon, and ruin'd their eyes : I have edg'd down a poker on legs swell'd with gout, Till the miscreant has roar'd like swine stuck in the snout : When Lord from my windows was making a beck, I have hurl'd down my sashes, and wounded his neck ; Though THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. II Though my rage could but bruise him black, yellow, and blue, Twas a hint that might show what the nation should do : But each knave all the arts of my anger withstood, For the leeches will suck while the body has blood. I'd have prophesied much, had I Cerberus' three tongues y I would fulminate oaths, but, alas ! I've no lungs. When they thought 'twas an earthquake that palsied my walls, It was I who was shuddering to witness their brawls. There's no office so dirty but they would fulfd ; There's no sense of debasement could alter their will : When the munching of immature codlings might gripe him, They would tear out the leaves of the Psalter to wipe him. Yet these summer-fed vermin will fly him, if e'er His wintery fortunes should leave his trunk bare ; Then he'll know that but virtue can keep the soul great, As they'd make their past meanness the cause of their hate ! I have dropp'd lumps of lime in their glasses while drinking ; I've made thieves in the candle to move him to thinking ; - I have clatter'd my casements and chairs to confound 'em ; I have let in the dews and the blast all around 'em ; I have elbow'd my timbers 'gainst many a head ; I have stirr'd up the sewers to stink 'em to bed : Yet this mass of antipathy marr'd my own liver, And my tears fill'd the gutter like Egypt's deep river. My 12 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. My eyes, my dear Coz, are exhausted with crying ; So I'll give o'er at present I'm yours till I'm dying. Steyne, Brighthehmtone, PAVILION. August 6//.>, 1796. P. S. My respects to old James. When I write by next post, I will send you an Ode, which this bacchanal host Sung or said, and alarm'd all the fish from our coast. } SENTIMENTAL EPISTLE FROM CARLTON HOUSE TO THE PAVILION AT BRIGHION. MY DEAR LITTLE PAV. X r'ythee whence could you get so much gall for your pen.'' But let me set you right, who've more knowledge of men : You evince to possess an illustrious soul You are right in the abstract, but wrong in the whole. That his H ss's rev'llers you treat with disdain, I approve ; but let Charity marshal your vein ; As I've not yet resolv'd, but he's less safe, by half, With the knaves who seem grave, than with varlets who laugh. In THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. In the love of our lives we forget what we owe ; For the heart runs in debt, while the passions bestow : As the latter, like truants, when vicious, will run, And make the heart answer that mischief they'd done. Now the broad robe of manhood is wove for his shoulders j Now he stands as a mark for the region's beholders ; Mean Policy now supersedes his lov'd Truth, And that permit's destroy'd which was granted his youth : No excuse, like a courier avant, scuds before him, No apologist waits to repurge and restore him. That oblivion is past, which the liberal meant Should envelope the fact, and but show the intent : P*** has stripp'd him quite naked, and burnt ev'ry cover, Where his frailties could hide, or as husband or lover ; And left him expos'd to the blast and the beam, The frost of repugnance, and sycophant's gleam ; With domestics call'd forth from the haunts of his foes, Whom he cannot approve, and he will not oppose : As one ivily ****, to eschew his disgrace, Spunge up all he yields, but to squeeze o'er their race ; By dread incantations, to calumny dear, With a tale of a tub + cheat the popular ear j Act i Some few months since, the public mind was agitated with dire alarms, engendered and supported by the most malignant subtlety; a. certain lady was tied to the stake, and baited by the ministerial journal- ists with the fury of cannibals. The odious tale was circulated with every struggle of bitterness, from one extremity of the realm to the other; every one laboured to appear outrageously moral, by an effort to destroy the marked sacrifice ; and it was a circumstance of peril, to question the justice, the decency, and the authenticity or loyalty of their proceedings. After an awful interim of suspension, it forsooth appeared, that a wander- ins *4 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Act up to the little designs of their chief, Till that phantom, Morality, bleeds in belief ; And a lady's destroy'd by their fibs and their funning, Whose only defect was, a want of dheir cunning! "While he play'd on the waters of life without care, Independent of guile, and unknown to despair ; Haply splashing what pass'd, without meaning offence, The gay victim of Hazard, the minion of Sense ; Often doing that deed which Discretion would shun, High above all disguise, and as bland as the sun; He was gull'd down the stream, where the breakers destroy, And the whirlpool's fell circles ingulph'd all his joy : Thus he'll run and re-run, giddy, helpless, and light, Till his spirit's absorb'd in indefinite night ! He was promis'd God wot Fortunatus's cap ; Indemnity duplicates jewels * * * * ************* ************* Ing priest had received a bundle of letters from an illustrious lady to carry with him abroad ; but his wife becoming tormented with the tooth-ache, he declined the expedition ; and returned the magic packet, which, it seems, was never received ; yet, on this sandy basis, was the honor of a lady most vindictively overthrown, and the heir-apparent of a kingdom most scandalously insulted ; and what adds to the mischievous mystery is, that all this was perpetrated by men who affect to have the good and dignity of the monarchy at heart, although such ruinous and insidious conduct operated to shake the regal pedestal more than all the efforts of all the professed republicans ! Among the many extraordinary events to which this dark deed of crooked policy has given birth, may be noted the apt intervention of Lord T , who volunteered it on this serio-comic occasion, to prove the absolute necessity of preserving a chaste deportment in life, and the danger cf eternal perdition to those who lived in the beastly habits of adultery ! Was THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 1C Was it done ? do not ask count your beads, and go pray ; For mum is the order which governs the day. They caught him while melting with Love's lambent flame, In the blaze of affection the acme of fame ; They seiz'd him, while warm, in the precincts of beauty, And sous'd him all o'er in the cold baths of duty. Ere that lineament's faded which govcrn'd his sigh Ere that tablet's remov'd which impress'd the soul's eye Ere that odour had perish'd which freighted her kiss Ere the fibre ceas'd thrilling with Sympathy's bliss Ere the birth of new wonders had lessen'd his care As the system was writhing, and touch' d by despair ; They bisected that nerve whence his hope knew increase, And the web was unravell'd that shelter'd his peace. Like a fen-gather'd vapour, or insect-fraught wind, They mildew'd a harvest that gladden'd mankind ! Who can say what would be in a crisis so try'd ? Who can answer for ends when the means are deny'd ? Though the nymph were more charmful than Zeuxis e'er saw Though the nation demanded the deed as a law Though heralds proclaim'd her august, as they do Though her manners were perfect, her sentiment true Though she rose, like Aurora, by zephyrs new fann'd Though she came, like young Spring, breathing health to the land- er 2, Though l6 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Though she burst, like Jove's Hebe, transcendently bright Though blithe as the first emanation of light Though temper'd in thought by sweet Chastity's fire Though each Grace hail'd her step, and each God her desire : Yet e'en such may not primary habits destroy, Or compel the slow pulses to quicken in joy : As who can act up to a passion that's feign' d ? The heart's noblest energies cannot be chain'd. To return to yourself, my dear Pav. *, you but prove How inconstant we are e'en to that which we love : I remember the time when you bragg'd of your downs, Your salubrious breezes, wheat-ears, and green-gowns j Your mackerel, that leap'd from the sea to the pot ; Your flat-fifth and maids, and your soles, and what not j Your fine views of the billows that roar round our isle ; Your large draughts of salt water to drench out the bile j Your mirth at the fellows who p 'd 'gainst your rails ; Your licentious embraces with amorous Gales ; Your inns, where the bills won't admit of your sotting , Your church-yards, where bodies have pleasure in rotting 5 * The Pavilion is built principally of wood : it is a nondescript mon- ster in building, and appears like a mad-house, or a house run mad, as it has neither beginning, middle, nor end ; yet to acquire this design, a miserable bricklayer was dispatched to Italy, to gather something equal to the re- quired magnificence, and actually charged two thousand guineas for hfs expenses. There are four pillars in scagticla, in a sort of an oven, where the Prince dines ; and when the fire is lighted, tbe room is so hot, that the parties are nearly baked and incrusted. The ground on which it is erected was given to the Prince by the town, for which he allows them fifty pounds yearly, to purchase grog and tobacco ; and has so far mended their ways, as to make a common sewer to held all the current filth of the parish, Your THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. I *J Your machines, where the pennyless get lodging gratis ; Your priest, who, each night, tells the gamesters how late 'tis; Your flocks, rich as Tempe's, on each hillock grazing ; And fifty more points as well sketch'd and amazing : Yet now you're, forsooth, calling out to be pitied, 'Cause you've had too much faith, and have been too self- witted ! I protest I'm so anger'd you've turn'd such a fool, Were you but some years younger, I'd send you to school : But learn this from an elder, all things are revolving, And one prejudice sinks in another dissolving : When our wish becomes realiz'd, Rapture foregoes That estate in our mind whence she parried our woes ; In having, we lose half we priz'd in the toy ; In commanding a blessing, we narrow our joy. Hope at best is a strumpet, who smiles to betray, Who'll deny the next morn what she promis'd to-day : She holds seeming cordials to interest our lips, But embitters the draught while the simpleton sips : Her influence, like fire, dispelling cold glooms, Eternally warms, but in warming consumes : There arc few would be grappling at what they exact, Would the gypsey Cumxan develope the fact. Pa!l Ma!/, Yours, as in duty bound, Auvuit 3ll; \-(/j. CARLTON HOUSE, THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. ANOTHER MORAL EPISTLE FROM THE PAVILION AT BRIGHTON TO CARLTON HOUSE. MY DEAR CARLEY, JL is a saying, as ancient as Greece, that none know In what manner the pantoufle pinches the toe, But the object who wears it : yet you, in a strain Of indecorous heat, bid me cease to complain : All this may be vastly in point, not to fret ; But believe me I'm not so philosophis'd yet. As to grinning when jobbernowls urin'd upon me, 'Tis false, by my honor : who d'ye think has undone me r There's Marlborough House knows, the last time they did it, I preach'd them a sermon * to check and forbid it ; And now e'en the sauciest decently hie In corners remote from the general eye. * The insulted and injured lady, it is evident, borrowed her text on this singular occasion from Samuel, where the injunction is wonderfully appro- priate to all the purposes of her decent wrath; it runs thus : " If I leave of all that pertain to him that pisseth against the wall;" and she must have been inspired on this momentous occasion, as she was never known to be articulate before or since. Had THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 19 Had I Bangor's huge fist, I'd have pummell'd the scroyles ; But it's best as it is, as I execrate broils. I've the tedium vita, ennui, and look blue ; I've ta'en bark, and liqueurs, and a dram but 'twon't do. I could moralize now till the sun left the west, Till the night cools my lawn, or pale Hecate's undrest. In a round of enjoyments, my exquisite friend, Believe me there's neither beginning nor end : 'Tis pursuing a shadow that makes the soul sad, And, like dogs in a circle, we run ourselves mad : They enfeeble the mind like a lunatic's dreams, As our joys, like our beauties, are prov'd by extremes ; Yet the bliss is short-liv'd with the drab or the sot, As no pleasure remains where the virtues are not. "Whate'er your opinion of rustics may be, We have Rules far Good Breeding *, and those you shall see. I have Twelve Golden Rules fur yam? Gentlemen of Distinction, to be observed Lit Brighton for the Tear 1796. First Young and inexperienced officers must confederate with several f their mess as young as themselves, and reel into the theatre during the performance in a state of assumed intoxication, and be sure to disturb the audience in themost interesting part of the drama, by taking liberties with uiiy of those Cyprian nymphs who harbour in the green boxes, and are unhappily devoted to insult: by this manoeuvre, if dexterously managed, they will yain three important points ; the first is, the credit of having consumed more wine than their income will allow; the second is, a disposition for unlimited intrigue; and the third is, an opportunity of displaying their contempt of good manners without any hazard of personal danger. This behaviour will be totally out of character if any of the parties have seen service, or arrived at the years of discretion. N. B. All descendants or members of the tribes of Israel, must neither mention lottery ticket?, omnium, Lunus, scrip, navy, uor exchequer bills : they must 20 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. f have sent you a copy along with the Octb t Which I've charg'J Boulton's lads not to lose on the road. This must pay their tradesmen on Saturdays, laugh at the paschal, eat swine, and shave every day. Secondly It is necessary at the assembly to make their homage to the arbiter deliciarum, dragon rouge, or master of the ceremonies, square with their local condition ; as a trader or curate must nearly prostrate himself, to gain^ those civilities which a peer can command, by an inclination of that part of his anatomy which be calls a head. Thirdly All persons who are conscious of their insufficiency in personal merit, must seize every possible opportunity of prating and vaunting about their antiquity of blood and magnificence of consanguinity ; and whether the account be true or otherwise, the attempt is justifiable, as those who have not dignity to support their own reputations should assuredly rely upon those who have. Fourthly The conduct of all, during the race week, should be systematic; and those who can keep coaches, phaetons, curricles, tandems, desoblige- ants, buggies, gigs, geldings, or taxed carts, have a privilege to murder all those pedestrians who cannot as it is the saturnalia of Folly, he who gets to the goal first is unquestionably the best man. When on the course, it is supremely vulgar to be suspected of seeing three yards without a glass. As they pass the Prince, it will be stylish to salute him with an air of familiarity, which he will respectfully return, as his affability was never doubted ; by this incident the buckeens from the city may be enabled to cut a swell with their associates, and appear the intimates of the Heir- Appa- rent, without the presumed requisites of wisdom, morality, erudition, or honor. Fifthly As there are no prescribed and marked roads in the purlieus of Brighton, or on the downs, for the jockey or the charioteer, they may in- dulge themselves in riding over an old woman, a walking philosopher, or a trading quiz, with impunity ; and if the unfortunate scoundrel should die, a genteel jury may not only cover their lives, but protect them even from the inconveniences of a deoiand : if, on examining the corpse of the bourgeois, it should prove to have been a creditor of the party, it will make the frolic immortal. Sixthly All pensioners at the boarding-houses must approach the head- of the table by seniority. A considerable forfeit must be imposed if one gentleman cuts another's fingers in the avidity of carving for himself. No one to commence a discourse on politics or religion, but under the penalty of a pot of coffee. All blunders to be explained by the president of THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 21 This place is so chang'd, from its manners and mirth, That I scarce can believe 'tis the spot gave me birth : Half of the table d'hote, unless they come from an Irishman, who is permitted to speak twice : and that person must be ignominiously expelled from the establishment who is caught in the act of pocketting the fruit. If any take an emetic to eat again, they shall suffer death without the benefit of clergy. Seventhly It any arc known to take pride in the ignoble science of carving, id est, to unbrace a duck, rear a goose, iving a partridge, thigh a woodcock, allay a pheasant, rump a pigeon, unlace a rabbit, reduce a chicken elevate a capon, unjoint a bustard, display a lark, dissect an ortolan, or dis- member an heron, they shall be compelled to help the company before they eat any themselves. N. B. It is necessary to observe, that the fadies must be accommodated first. Eighthly All persons who sleep, sojourn, or masticate, at the Hotel, Castle or Ship Taverns, must take especial care to make the profits of the waiters greater than those of their masters ; which, it must be admitted, is no easy matter : the reason for this apparently prodigal measure is, that all importance at watering-places is refected, and he to whom the waiters are most obedient, is considered as the greater personage. N. B. This rule does not extend to those who never pay their bills at sio-ht. Ninthly In the mode of communicating their desires, they must punctu ally adhere to the following progressive statement : if a Duke, he must address that portion of the community, whom it is habitual to call his infe- riors, by the style and title of honest man, or honest -woman ; if a Marquis, Earl, Viscount, Baron, or Bishop, by the unornamented term of man or ivoman ; if a Baronet, Knight, Civilian, Physician, or any of that multi- tudinous order which are denominated small gentry, they must use the plain epithet friend ; but this must be marked by a strong emphasis, and accom- panied with a certain talismanic and disdainful toss of the head, lest the poor credulous devils might imagine the parties were sincere. N.B. This rule must be equally and pertinaciously observed by the several gradations of ladies correspondent with the gentlemen. Taithly All must know, that the keeper of a boarding-house has the fol- lowing rights : if a two-pounder, or gourmand, should happen to mingle in the circle, the purveyor may endeavour to get rid of him by persuading him that the air is too sharp for his lungs; if that mode fails, the chambermaid is ordered to leave his bed unmade, take away the commodity damp the sheets, and hide his night-cap ; if that expedient is passed over, he is sent ro Coventry ; and if that is unpropitious, he is openly denied a chair, a d plate. 2 2 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Half the houses are lanterns, much brick and much glass ; Half the ladies are tinder ; the men lead or brass. Tis plate, a knife, a fork, and a welcome ; and if that is unsuccessful, he is advertised, described, and pounded as a stray cormorant, who will be sent to his parish upon paying the expenses. Eleventhly All who are married, must exhibit a public contempt for their wives in proportion to their rank in life, or what is termed quality ; as it Would be a species of petty treason for a trader to be as negligent of the .legal partner of his bed as a patrician, who, in various instances, may be considered as elevated far above duty, thought, and character. None, of any condition superior to the mob, must exhibit symptoms of conjugal fondness, as that would imply a privation of taste and sentiment : whenever the names of their wives occur in dialogue, they must affect deafness, to avoid a partici- pation in the colloquy, as a declaration of any interest in their favor might excite the wonder of the beau monde, and the sneers of their cicitbei. Tivelfthly All bachelors must consider the spinsters as their destined prey ; and if they cannot enjoy their persons, they may make free with their reputations, which is nearly an universal case. !f they would be con- sidered as fellows of spirit, they must signify, by some irregular gesticula- tion, that they have been well with every celebrated impure, or demirep, who is existing, or has existed in their time : but this capital manoeuvre must not be carried beyond an insinuation, as, should they swear to the event, there are none will belfeve them. When walking in the Assembly, Grove r Steyne, or sitting at the Prince's Chapel (for it is supremely vulgar to be seen at the parish church), they must occasionally nod at the most dignified woman, the first fortune, or the greatest beauty, in the circle ; as that will give them an undescribable air of fashion 3nd ten : but they must take especial care to do it while the parties are looking in another direction, as otherwise their responsibility may be rendered very awkward. If chance should throw a blushing, humble, tremulous female, or implumii h'pes, in their way, they may cross her path, and stare at, and deride her into convulsions, as there is a charming brutality admissible in what is termed polished life, which would deserve chastisement in any other. In theis commerce with the fair they must never use the term old, but as applying to wine or friendship ; nor neglect that sweetening epithet ham/tame, if they wish for the salvation of their own credit ; yet in no instance must they suppose them perfect, as it is not yet ascertained by the Magi, whether a woman was ever finished by the Creator or not. With these premises we close the dogmatic placard for young gentlemen. THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 2$ 'Tis the rage but to walk on the Steyne in the eve, When the dews fall as rapid as sand through a sieve j Till Twelve Golden Rule s for young Ladies of Distinction in the Tear 1796. First We recommend to them, to avoid all actions that are vulgar ; that is, such as prevail among the mob, and to conduct themselves, in a general sense, in such a manner as to deserve the title of being vastly singular ; as whoever is not singular in this refined age, will be inevitably classed as vulgar. Secondly We recommend to them, in order to effect this desirable purpose, to walk like a grenadier at a review, and to strut with their arms a-kimbo, as by those means they will be enabled to make their abdominal projections the more noticeable. It should be observed, that this attitude is the sine qua von of a female of distinction, as the vulgar dare not assume this becoming privilege without a forfeiture of their reputation for virtue. Thirdly We recommend to them, whether near-sighted or not, to make an unlimited use of optical glasses, but particularly at church, during divine service, where, by an adroit and skilful management of these modish instru- ments, they may be lucky enough to stare the churchwarden and his family out of countenance, and happily draw an oblique reproof from the parson, which cannot fail in its operations to make them exceedingly notorious. Our male insects of distinction have in some degree forestalled this practice, but their bungling manner of abashing modesty will be quickly superseded by the ladies. Fourthly We recommend to them, to whisper and giggle when any per- son of either sex comes into a company with a trembling and humble de- meanour, as this measure will increase the confusion of the visitors, and show their own superiority and firmness of nerve : to appear confused in any situation argues vulgarity in the extreme. Fifthly We recommend to them, to manifest a strong predilection in favor of coxcombs and fools of every description, and to sneer at men of sense and science. Some persons, whose discernment is imperfect, may be inclined to question the wisdom and expediency of this rule ; but we trust that all opposition to this injunction will be done away, when it is recol- lected how great a saving of time and money it will cause,'by rendering the ordeal of the classics, and the ceremonies of an university, utterly nugatory and despicable. Sixthly We recommend to them, to be as loose in their drapery as pos>i- b\e, and to adhere to the present very laudable custom of fixing the cestus ivklun tlixce inches of their shoulders, until they are driven out of it by an u 1 Act 24 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Till their clothes hang dependent, absorbing a damp. More fatal than steams from an African swamp : When Act of Parliament, enforced by violence. And our reason for this urgent desire is, that it gives an air of graceful playfulness to our fair countrywo- men, and removes those barriers of restraint which formerly kept our dash- ing young bucks at bay ; the old-fashioned and absurd habits of wearing stays operating as a sort of armour, which checked and alarmed them on their approaching to the duties of a salute ; whereas the present negligent manner inspires them with an additional glow of confidence to clasp their beauteous persons, and fills them with ideal ecstacies. And surely none but the churlish or the prudish would hesitate to render others happy, and espe- cially when it can be effected on such easy and advantageous terms to both parties. Seventhly We recommend to them, to make as much noise and as great a flutter as will be borne, upon their entering the boxes in a theatre : this is perfectly fashionable, and will assuredly make them stared at by the vulgar order of the audience, who dare not imitate them in their low sphere, as they would be stigmatized for such freedom as impertinent, or something more harsh and chilling : and if they should be seated in the green boxes, and cannot attract notice by laughing, talking in a high key, or abrupt gesticula- tions with the fan, we recommend to them to drop their cloak or shawl, as by accident, into the pit, where John Bull, who is an honest, credulous, stupid beast, will eagerly labor to restore it to its owner above him, while the ladies all around will envy such an impressive instance of notoriety. If the cloak should be caught in its declension by a chandelier, and publicly burned, it will prove uncommonly interesting and charming, and will pro- bably be mentioned in all the newspapers and some magazines; verses will be made upon the unfortunate belle, and the lady, by such means, get into prodigious notice. Eighthly We recommend to those ladies, who may unhappily possess that delicate tone of nerve which constitutes eventually the mauvaise bonts, to wear veils upon all ordinary occasions, as there is nothing in the wide and long catalogue of human distresses so vulgar as even the appearance of shame. We recommend to them to imitate the French ladies of the late Court at Versailles, by alluring all the fashionable indolent men to join them in parties of cards, and to preconcert the measures so neatly, as to case their stupid companions of a few bank notes : such steps as these are considered as the more warrantable by the discreet, inasmuch as there is no awkward responsibility attached to the sex, for such venial sportiveness : besides, it is surely doing what ought, to be, in transferring cash from folly to THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 2 C "When the blast's south or east the spray rides in the gale, Till you're crusted with salt like Dutch herrings for sale ; And to beauty as the more you bleed a fool of his money, the fewer opportuni- ties he will have of exposing himself, which is undoubtedly preserving a remnant of his character, obliging his family, and supporting the dignity of human nature. Ninthly We recommend to them, to be the first in getting into a car- riage, if there be men in company, that they may have a complete occasion of showing a well-turned ancle ; or if they should be proportioned like the Mediccan Venus, they should affect a hoyden air, and in jumping into the phaeton or curricle, contrive to stumble upon their knee, as by that method it is an hundred to one, but the whole of one, or both limbs, is exposed to the searching eyes of the accompanying beaus, who will not fail to com- municate, to all they know, as a great secret, that Miss such-a one has a d d handsome leg. This is a sure trap to win a lover, if not a husband ; but as husbands arc so seldom lovers, that is not much to be regretted. Wc have insinuated nothing as to those ladies who may have thick or crooked legs, as they uniformly ascend the last, upon all events, and are never seen abroad in a windy day. Ttmthly We recommend to them, to seize every decent pretence to expose the charms of the neck and bosom ; this is satisfying the curiosity of admi- ration ; and to render those comfortable who are around us, is one of the first principles of good breeding. They must affect to speak in a low, mono- tonous, nasal tone, and as wholly independent of passion or principle; they must wrice illegibly, and be sure to spell ill ; they mutt not be seen at any public place three times without fainting ; they must wash their mouth* after dinner, and spit the cleansings in the glass, unless there should be a Turkey carpet; they must, in that case, disgorge upon that, to show their elegant contempt of economy. Eleventhly We recommend to them, to assume some attractive infirmity, notwithstanding the providence and beneficence of nature may have given them a perfect organization ; and they must not, on any account whatever, admit they are in good health, as that is vulgar and abominable. The ad- vantages resulting from an affectation of ill health and infirmity are in- calculable ; it opens a timely door for a retreat from company they may either envy or hate; and to lisp, limp, and seem half blind, have the glory of novelty with the million, who will regard them with astonishment ; bat they must not remain long among them, lest their ideas should con- centre in pity, and to be pitied is the next stage to being despised ! When a saturnine uncle, or a maiden aunt, chides them for irregularity, they may reply 26 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. And when north or cast, the impertinent wind Incessantly cuts, like a razor behind : If the nerves are too fine, the pedestrian decays ; If not, he's lumbago'd the rest of his days. The cold humid sod will provoke a disease, And Catarrhs ride in ambush in every breeze. Can a station be fitter to make Death elate, Or suppress an incumbent who clogs an estate ; reply good-humouredly with the end of a modern song, unless the first ha* land and beeves, and the latter money in the funds ; in that case, they should make a low curtesy, and sneeringly promise the old folks to be gothic in future. Tiuelfthh We finally recommend to them, to support and add to the privileges of the sex upon all occasions, and, if possible, to expunge the words honor and obey from the matrimonial ceremonies. If they have any species of conveyance, they must incessantly prate of our carriage; and if this point is discreetly managed, there may be as much credit got with a tilt cart as a sociable. They must encourage the addresses of every male creature who has any pretension to ton ; and, if it is in the gift of Chance to produce a duel between any of the suitors, they will be envied by all their sex; it will prove a matter wholly unimportant, whether the blockhead who falls is the offender or the ojfendee ; as it is the eclat of the thing, and not its propriety, that will be seriously considered ! When they bathe, they must tie the flannel shift so close to their necks, that the sea-water may not be too intrusive upon their fair bodies, as that might brace them into much rigidity of fibre : when they descend from the machines with the guide, they must. wet their lower extremities by degrees, so that, if there be any humour floating in the system, it may be driven up to the head ; and it is assuredly better to have a foe infest the capital only, than every province of the state. With these premises we close the dogmatic placard for young ladies. Anthony Pasqjuin. Given at our Court of Observation, this $tb day of August 1796. /" Wc command that the above documents be read in all well- regulated watering-places and seminaries in Great Britain, lreland : and the Town of Berwick upon Tweed. Take THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 27 Take a shrew from a cuckold whom Hymen has given, Or remove a fond spouse from his deary to heaven ? Sure all nature is twisting, our morals decay, And every Season is dancing the hay. Would you dream, gentle Coz, of so base a vagary r Both N Ik and W m have puk'd on my dairy. The twelve statutes of Charles each domestic derides, And M rr ce's bawdry's been nail'd to my sides: There it sticks, like a blister, to glad gaping crews, And I sweat and I writhe while the sensual peruse- Some grimalkin, at midnight, pursuing his rib, Has polluted my cap, and bedribbled my bib : The owl's deadly screech has awak'd me with fears, And the vagabond swallows have dung'd in my ears : Care has furrow'd my visage with terrible ruts ; Some rats have run up me, and injur' d my guts : How I roar'd for a trap when my proboscis smelt 'em ! How I shiver'd, and rav'd, and blasphem'd when I felt *em i When first I complain' d to the medical train, Some averr'd 'twas a scirrhus, and others a sfrain : Others snatching their fees, said, " You're: ill, and must die !" One pronoune'd I was gravelled and that was no lie ! Some thought, with deep woe, th' hvpogastrium was spread ! They examhVd my -vulva, and each shook his head ! Some swore 'twas a scrophula lurking unseen, Others scurvy, or lues, or something between : " Take the Syrup de Velnos" all urg'd, ' and be clean :" And 28 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. And before on what ail'd me these dolts could decide, The vermin had eaten one third of my side ! I was courted, last Lammas, by Marlborough House, Though he's not got a shirt, and is not worth a souse ; He presum'd on his rank, and his being my neighbour, His blood of the Spen cers, and powers of labor : But my virgin affections he never could steal, For his carcase is red, and his yard's ungenteel : No spinster would let such a monster assail her j By the lord, I'd as soon be in bed with a taylor ! How hard 'tis to tell what young damsels should dof When a rakehelly bachelor banters to woo : Should they hapless consent, then the lady's too fond ; Should they not, then they're proud to see lovers de- spond. We have passions, yet dare not conjecture they live ; We are lib'ral, yet custom denies us to give ; And while all other animals sate their desires, Poor Woman's heart melts by her own pent-up fires ! And I've heard some avow, whom his H ss thought clever, That good men marry early sagacious ones never ! My fair body is cover'd, ah me, what a shame ! With barb'rous designs, like Caractacus' frame : The foul loves of the Gods, and their bestial enjoyments ; Young, pert, breechless Cupids at naughty employments ; Venus looking behind in a filthy condition ; An old rogue with a snake, whom they call a physician j A swan THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 20 A swan and a hussey enfolding and billing ; A girl ravish'd in air, but appearing half-willing ; Nymphs, naked as Folly in Westminster-hall ; And some near undone, yet not seeming to bawl : At gross feats, such as these, even Grizzle would flout ; Nay, the stones in my joints ope their jaws, and cry out *. Here a patriarch might gaze, and forget how to pray ; Here a vestal might look all her virtue away : Here Saint Bruno himself would of Bathsheba dream ; And our Queen's maids of honor ideally teem ; Th' electrical plaster will flash on each sense, Changing faith to loose thoughts, and those thoughts to. offence. This was done while I slept, by a loon clep'd Rebecca ; Pr'ythee seize him, ye Winds ; bear the varlet to Mecca: It is surely enough to be plagu'd with desires, Without such a bellows to heat the soul's fires. Loose caricaturas are stuck on my ribs, In the spirit all libels the letter, all fibs : There's Pitt, as a fungus, the Crown had emitted ! There's suffering Jerne by Beresford spitted ! Farmer George and his housewife both cramming their pigs ! Mun Burke making Bentinck destroy the old whigs ! * This friendly and salutary communication between the houses is not a circumstance of such novelty as weak persons may imagine; nor is this idea of the Pavilion's original, as Bishop Watson and John Wilkes know it is thus expressed in holy writ : " The stones shall cry out of the ivall, and th, learn tut of th* timber shall answer it." Hab. ii. II. e That 3f Brighton, called Artillery Place, and which have been eagerly sought after by that persecuted description of the fair sex, called old maids. '1 he real rnotive for this predilection is a principle of piety and meditation, which fhey can indulge, without interruption, in a spot so sequestered ; and not a meretricious disposition, as the scandalous would infer, to view the naked .fellows who bathe and sport beneath their windows every morning, to the ajiijoyance of curious matrons and peery virginity. That THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 3 I That he'd make me a Barrack* ; oh heaven and earth, Why was I created ? why had I a birth ? And shall my perfum'd body be made such a den ? Pray what lady could please a whole reg'ment of men ? Must I live like a strumpet my name be revil'd ? Great God ! should I prove in the issue with child, Who would foster the babe? neither Holland nor Wyatt; Yet how shall I keep such strong roisterers quiet ? S'blood, what will become of my soul in futurity ? I will muzzle their guns : I will bind them in surety : Th' Orange family must have some small-clothes will suit me ; Perhaps if I scratch 'em, the ruffians will shoot me : I'll ne'er sleep but in trowsers j you've some of big Sam's -f T Would cover me close from my hips to my hams. I have heard that the prudes of Castile bave a way, To lock up their honor by night and by day : But suppose they should force me in sleep by surprise > By the fist of the Virgin I'll tear out their eyes : I will shriek till the dead rise and ask why I did it ; I will lift up a quarry, and crush those who bid it : I will tear ope the mountain's rough bowels, and hide me $ I will skulk to the tomb where no sin can misguide me : * This Instance of the aggrieved gentlewoman's alarm was we!! founded, as it was commonly believed at Biighton, at tlic period when this letter was written, that the P had expressed himself to that efiect, in consequence of a figurative procession having occurred, which implied an unmerited in* ult to a lady, whom it was his duty, as a gentleman, to respect. f A gigantic porter, formerly in the service of the P . E 2 I will 32 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. I will spread desolation and horror around me ; I will yet pray why should my anger confound me ? For if such is Fate's order, I think I must share it, And I hope that my strength will be able to bear it. Yours, till death do us part, Brighton, August ioi/j, 1796. PAVILION. ODE TO BACCHUS*. (supposed to have been written by major h g-r.) The Music selected from Lord Kellie, Lord Mornington, Carolan, 5V STROPHE. Illustrious son of Jove and Semele, Who once lay snug on high, Within the muscles of your father's thigh ; To thee we dedicate this pile, Built for the royal tenant of your isle, * On the 1st of April 1787, I dreamed and imagined the following irregular Ode, Hymn, or Orgic, was performed with all due solemnity at the Marine Pavilion, on the Steyne, at Brighthelmstone. The company present were select, and remarkable for their attachment to the purple god, to whom the saloon was consecrated. Each British Bacchanal bran- dished a thyrsus, spirally ornamented with festoons made of Iberian grapes and laurel, and fastened with the garters of the nymph he loved best. Mr R-gby officiated at this revel rout as the representative of the jolly god, bestriding a hogshead of claret : his car was drawn by Messrs. H g-r and W t e, who were habited on this occasion as two young tygers. When they arrived at the temporary altar, the facetious proxy for Bacchus ascended into a niche, cut in the wall for that particular purpose. Mr. R-gby's brows were curiously decorated with a wreath of vine-leaves, gathered in the plains of Languedoc, and artfully intermingled with roses. Who THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 33 * ' Who must one day, When Death shall call his powers into play, Embrace his subjects as a monstrous family : Oh ! guard this consecrated haunt From prostitution vile, and bailiff dire ; The means to celebrate thy glory grant ; Oh ! give us fuel to support the fire *. * It hath been believed, that the most certain and infallible way to win the esteem and affection of men is, to delight in promoting their felicity, and to obviate their necessities, provided it be done with that generous grace which is the qualifying inmate of all noble minds : yet, in despite of an opinion so amiable in its tendencies, we have to produce an instance, which proves how very unknowing that individual is, who expects a return for the most essential favors, whenever the period of ordeal may arrive, that a sense t)f gratitude should be manifested by deeds, and not professions. We are Compelled to make these remarks, from an observation of the scandalous conduct of that political party, whom we are accustomed to call the Oppo- sition, towards their royal benefactor, and, we may almost add, victim. It is notorious to all mankind, that they were the original cause of the pecuniary embarrassments of the Prince of Wales: their example, their sugges- tions, their prodigalities, progressively seduced him from the moral stand- ard, before he had any knowledge of human artifice ; and, in the moment of that seduction, they meanly and ruinously fattened upon his exceeding bounty : yet no sooner were those means of improvident support withheld, than they blotted all recollection of his munificence from their memories, and had the audacity to affect a pity for his diminished splendor, and publicly blamed him for having suffered himself to be their dupe and sacri- fice ; they rudely cast him upon an indiscriminating society, encumbered, in a great degree, with a weighty responsibility for their irregularities J they clouded his perception, but could not suppress the arguments of his heart. It must not be admitted, that this despicable behaviour is the usual result of an infirmity in the system of man ; nor should the event be passed by, unaccompanied by such an open and general reprobation, as may mark their ingratitude, and deter others from the perpetration of such enormities. The present situation of his Rovai, Highness is wonderfully singular : both the administration and opposition seem equally to operate to his dis- advantage as, from an accurate survey of the constituent parts and princi- ples of each, he has resolved not to join either. Thus 34 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Thus prim'd and loaded, boldly we'll advance, And follow Pleasure in the mazy dance ; With jocund step we'll nimbly trip, As the high-mettled tribe, The grape's celestial joys imbibe, And press the goblet to the parched lip. But, zounds ! can we be sorry, sad, or sick, Who own the influence of laughing Dick ? Oh, Richard ! name propitious to our cause, To Virtue dear, and honor'd by our laws Damme, now I think on't, I'll give you a toast But, let me see, By heav'ns ! I think we've three, Who're in themselves a host ! Dick Fitzpatrick, Dick Sheridan, and Dick Ricby. With many other Dicks that fain would big be : Come, charge your gaping glasses, High as if drinking the Parnassian lasses ; Come, my roaring boys, prepare, No heel-taps, no shy -lights -all fair : u Oh ! give us young Augustus for a friend, " Priests without fraud, and Richards without end." But is n't it odd, my lads, we ne'er could find The zig-zag alleys of a lady's mind ? A SOLEMN ORAISON. Some have presum'd to roam the Cretan maze, When Reason only gave their Wit a clew ; Or sweep the oozy bed of Persia's seas, And Hope ne'er bade the laborers adiew. Bat THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 35 But none, except by Desperation fir'd, Have e'er relied on their restricted skill, To gain those heights Ambition oft desir'd, And trace the windings of the female will, In that frail origin of nameless deeds, That seat of Gladness, and that womb of Wor^ The mental olive's choak'd by noisome weeds, And Worth and Vanity in union grow. There wish meets wish, and sighs succeed to sighs., Till each the other mutually annoys ; There kindred Passions wrestle as they rise, And what the judgment claims, the heart destroys. All-pitying Fate, who gave our race to Care, And touch'd with pestilence the human breath j Correct their system, make them wise as fair, And let our heaven antecede our death. AKTISTROPHJE. Come, stretch your silver throats, my lads of wax, To join the thyasus, and glad the god ; Let each distend his windpipe till it cracks, And make the heavenly brandy-merchant nod; That true-born Britons may be free from thinking, And we eternally be drunk, or drinking ; Empty the Thames, the Severn, Humbcr, JDee, And bid their vile, insipid waters flee ; Then exercise a privilege divine, And fill the boundless vacuum with wine. Guard 36 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. Guard us, blithe deity, whene'er we sleep, Oh, lead us from the dangers of the deep *. If ever I forget thy recent kindness, May black Perdition strike me dark with blindness, May heaven suppress the greenness of my youth, May I be ravish'd by the naked Truth +. STROPHE. May spinsters, impell'd by Love's flame, flock around us* May the demons of Apathy never confound us ; May we live all our lives, With profusion of treasure, And kiss widow'd wives, Till we fill up Love's measure : Be this carousal lauded by that strumpet, Wondrous Renown, till she has burst her trumpet. We'll scale the empyrean, cleave the yielding air, Embrace old Jove's proud paralytic bride, Or, in a fit of high-wrought fury, tear The blue-ey'd Hebe from the Thunderer's side. We'll ballot Death among us, he's so clever, He loves the turf, my boys, and prompts our ends \ When one of us, he may not smite his friends, And we may live for ever ! ! ! * Here the Major is supposed to allude to his providential escape in the summer of 1787, from the fangs of a shark, on the coast of Brighthelmstone, which seized him hy the glutei while he was bathing with the P . When the Major had recovered from his consternation, and solemnly thanked the gods for the preservation of his , he swore, upon the holy evangelists, that the voracious fish had a human countenance, and was af like Jack Manners as one pea is to another. + This is highly picturesque of the Major's Well-founded apprehensions, when presiding at the Adam and Eve Club in Marykbone. Then, THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 37 Then, then, we'll roar, and give the bully welcome, The grave shall think it is not he, but hell come : Then we'll sweep Tartarus, make evil worse, Ravish the ghosts, and empty Croesus' purse ; Burn Minos' wig, roll Charon in the kennel, And send grim Cerberus to hunt with Meynel : We'll break the cynic's lantern all to shivers, Make Lusitania's hogsheads run like rivers ; Tear out the leaves from Retribution's ledger, Seize callow Schism by the skirts, and fledge her : We'll make the elements all bend to suit us, Embrazen Hope, and let no soph confute us : Twist the vast linch-pin of th' erratic planet, Illume Love's fane, and bid the Muses fan it : We'll teaze the Cardinal Sisters till they fret, And catch sweet spinsters in a silken net ; Emboss our flagons with the smockless graces, And crush those loons who blush to show their faces : We'll brain the Magi, terrify the watch, And make the Privy Council sing a catch ; Ope Fortune's door, and bid the million enter, And chain th' illiberal to creation's centre. When high Augustus mingles with the dust, As all of us, my toping gallants, must ; Taylor * shall have the hens, and chicks, and geese ; D by a cock, and Watty Wynne the cheese : W dh m * Mr. M. A. Taylor, from his prodigious knowledge of the law, and constant practice in the courts, looks, at least, to he Lord Chancellor, if his party get into their hands the helm of state ; but when that event may take place, it is as difficult to ascertain, as the point at which the last dying r sound 38 THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. W dh m shall hunt the bucks for Weltjie's spit: We'll send the milk, when skimm'd, to Billy Pitt : Brooks shall have half the pigeons ; Rose the muck ; C th E a cart ; and each M. D. a duck ! We'll give the hogs to L GCE, R d the bull ; Turnips to Young, Sir John S cl r the wool : We'll send th' Imperial Gen'ral Funk the waggons ; The Ship and Castle taps shall have the jlagons : We'll give the cream to Sherry for his jokes ; The Lords of Session shall have all the yokes. We'll give the scythe to Time, the rope to Reeves ! Ad R the goats to Mellish all the beeves ! Fortune shall take the ass, An ch the rams ! The poor the grain, and Rowland Hill the lambs! Canning shall have the whey Mark-lane the scales, Phoebus the steeds, and Eton School the jlails : Burke and John Ketch may share the whips by halves! And Cam and Isis shall have all the calves I Each rood shall slumber fallow for a year, Unsuck'd by wheat, or oats, or beans, or bere : And then we'll pay, my boys, each cumbrous debt, And tell the gaping world, a farm's to let! What say you, lads, shall we exert our powers, Arrest old Time, and subjugate his hours ? sound may expire. It is much to be apprehended that, though he came a chicken into opposition, he will wear cock's spurs for many years before he is master of Lis ivalk. Being rather light, he is XICVCT fitted in a grand battle, though generally produced in the byes ; but being under weight, even there he cannot be depended upon. At present he is used as a sparring cock, just to try the temper of those of the grand main, on whom the success of the day depends. Shall THE NEW BRIGHTON GUIDE. 39 '*' Shall it be said that we despair ? Not I ; nor you ; nor you ! We'll seize that bold usurper, Care, And beat him black and blue ; And, d'ye hear, I'll bet the gods t Ten to one, Or give them the long odds- The thing is done. Thou jocund child of Semele, Protect our jovial family What means this genial light, Chasing the inmates of the sombrous night ? See, see, the god descends ! Bacchus and we are friends ; By heavens ! he's taking off his jacket, I'll be his bottle-holder, while you support the racket. Damme, Lade, the god for a. hundred ; Where's the Spanish ? Done ! Done ! Here's your fun : Though his stomach's stor'd, And he has got his beer on board, The boy, when groggy, never blunder* d. Now begin the chorus, To give him spunk to drive the dog before us i GRAND CHORAL BURST, Come, spiflicate that scoundrel Care, Cruel him, bruise him, never fear ; Oh ! may the powers gymnastic Make the ruddy youth elastic ; ra 4 as we've none here will keep, END OF THE BRIGHTON GUIDE. TUB LIBRARY tfNiVBffsrnr of California LOS ANGELES U C SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 081431 9