Ill .1 II '/I 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 ADVENTURES 
 
 Of 
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB; 
 
 COMPRISING 
 IMPORTANT AND STARTLING DISCLOSURES 
 
 CONCERNING HELL; 
 
 * 
 
 ITS MAGNITUDE, MORALS, EMPLOYMENTS, CLIMATE, 4C 
 
 ALL VEBY SATISFACTORILY AUTHENTICATED. 
 TO WHICH IS ADDED, 
 
 THE OLD MAN OF THE HILL-SIDE. 
 
 BOSTON: 
 
 THE UNIVERSALIST PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 NO 37 COBNHILL. 
 
 1867.
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1846, l>j 
 
 ABEL TOMPKINS, 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of Massachusetts.
 
 FS 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Ill which the reader hath the honor of an introduction to Mr. 
 Tub, and is made acquainted with the scene of his very 
 marvellous adventures 7 17 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Elder Tub ruminateth. An apparition of doubtful character 
 introduceth himself. He -'describeth hell as being a far 
 more tolerable place than it is generally believed to be ; and 
 giyeth a pleasing and very probable account of its good state 
 of society 1835 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Our hero muttereth some doubts as to the truth of Paddle's 
 account of hell and its society ; Paddle reappeareth ; he 
 condescendeth to enact the philosopher, and reasoneth the 
 points very convincingly ; he describeth the amusements 
 of hell. .' 3652 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 The elder erperienceth a huge expans'9n of ideas in regard to 
 the magnitude of the earth ; whereupon Paddle, finding Mr. 
 Tub's ideas in a growing state, greatly addeth to their 
 enlargement by convincing him of the stupendous dimen 
 sions of. the lower world, and the numerousness of its 
 inhabitants 5574 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In the midst of Elder Tub's ruminations Paadle reappeareth, 
 in a fashion beseeming himself and none other He antic- 
 ipateth the remonstrance which was about to be entered a. 
 the close of 'the last interview, and fully, and satisfactorily, 
 removeth the grounds thereof. Wherefore it behoveth the 
 reader well to consider this chapter, as he may herein find 
 his own similar objections to what hath gone before well 
 
 mod truly answered 76 88 
 
 I' 
 
 1125561
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 Wherein the philosophic Paddle doth marvellously enlighten 
 our elder in regard to the devil and other sacred subjects. 
 He also laketh unseemly liberties with what divers godly 
 persons have set forth on the same heads, whereupon it 
 would appear if the thing 1 were credible that even ?odly 
 men may sometimes 1 ' mistaken. Moreover, Paddle ex- 
 poundeth certain opinions which are current in the infernal 
 world, and reasoneth thereupon in a way which will nut 
 fail to edify the unprejudiced reader 89 103 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Paddle's last visit, wherein lie nssumeth, with a sort of 
 Dutch-uncle freedom, to I*- VISIT in regard to the means 
 and chances of salvation, thnn are even pious ministers 
 whose trade it is to be so. He also indulgeth nn impiou* 
 license of remark on many mysterious matters connected 
 with the popular form of Christianity, for the which he 
 will not ho likely to obtain credit with the godly render. 
 Nevertheless, it was deemed fitting thru the same should he 
 recorded, since it ilhtstniteth the sophistries with which 
 Satan is wont to n-sail pious ears, in order to the shaking 
 of their faith 1:1 i!ie mysteries of their holy religion. The 
 elder oonfcneth ;i leaning to heresv, in the private ears of 
 his spouse Dorothy, and tins Icadeth to a satisfactory clear 
 ing up of the matter of I'ad.lle's appearances. . . 1(M 124 
 
 CONCLUDING CHAPTER. 
 
 Win-rein is satisfactorily cleared up all that hath puzzled the 
 reader in the foregoing part of the narrative. Moreover, all 
 tf,.- popuvin'.j'-s )inui?!it to vin-.v in this authentic Iwstory are 
 liiTem disposed of, in a way at which it is hoped the good 
 nntiire of the reader will take no offence 125 I3!t 
 
 APPENDIX 13.1- 136 
 
 THE OLD MAN OF THE HILL-SIDE. . . . 139-19/'
 
 ADVENTURES 
 
 OF 
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which the reader hath the honor of an introduction to Mr. 
 Tub, and is made acquainted nith the scene of his very 
 marvellous adventures. 
 
 IF it shall ever be the reader's hap to fall 
 in with a personage exactly five feet high, 
 in his shoes ; whose weight shall be exactly 
 two hundred and forty, avoirdupois; and 
 whose shadow on a wall shall reach to 
 exactly half the altitude when he lies on 
 his back as when he stands on his feet : if, 
 as to variety of hue, the nose of that same 
 individual shall resemble a conglomerate 
 specimen of mineralogy; if his upper anc* 
 nether person shall be encased in garments 
 of snutf-brown dye : and if. in the peculiar 
 twinkle of his eye. in his posture inclining
 
 8 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 out of plumb by a direction backward in 
 the self-complacent air with which he shall 
 tap his polished boots with his walking- 
 cane in his whole bearing, in short, shall 
 be exhibited a most comfortable persuasion 
 of his own importance : why then, reader, 
 I would wager great odds that you shall 
 have had the ho~' r of falling in with 
 my most respectable friend, Triptolemus 
 Tub. 
 
 None other, reader, depend upon it, for 
 nature never made two Triptolemus Tubs, 
 of precisely the same length, breadth, and 
 thickness : she never inflated another mass 
 of corporiety with precisely the same quan 
 tum of the gas of self-esteem, nor encased 
 she ever another conscience in so invulnera 
 ble a pericardium of obtusity. No, I am a 
 believer in nature's omnipotence in every 
 thing but the making of two Triptolemus 
 Tubs, and therefore, reader, shouldst thou 
 chance to meet with the personage de 
 scribed, "put off the shoes from off thy 
 feet," for he will be bound to be the verita 
 ble Triptolemus himself and none other. 
 
 Mr. Tub lives on the Virginian shore of
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 9 
 
 the Ohio river, a dozen miles or so below 
 Wheeling ; his dwelling is a massive one, of 
 stone, two stories in height, and dingy from 
 the smoke of bituminous coal, which is the 
 chief fuel of that region ; after the fashion 
 which prevails thereabout, it has a passage 
 through the centre from front to rear, and 
 is destitute of the ember^hment of frieze, or 
 cornice, or even a porch, except we concede 
 that respectable appellation to a platform 
 projected before the front entrance, and 
 flanked with a bench on each side. Good 
 faith, it bears that appellation whether we 
 concede it or not, and architecture among 
 rustics must submit to just such names as 
 they please to give it. 
 
 I \vill not assert that there is anything 
 particularly pretty or romantic in the situa 
 tion of the elders domicile for Mr. Tub, 
 be it reverently kept in mind, is an elder 
 nothing less except there be prettiness or 
 romance in a straight reach of river with 
 naked banks, a straight line of post-and- 
 rail fence, and a straight unshaded road 
 between. Little, however, cares our re 
 spectable acquaintance, Mr. Tub, about the
 
 10 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 
 
 mere poetry of such matters. What chiefly 
 engages his concern is a broad belt of rich 
 alluvial formation between the river and the 
 upland slopes, which to his matter-of-fact 
 mind suggests ideas of tall corn and fat 
 swine, something more substantial, I trow, 
 than architectural gewgaws, or scene-struck 
 sentimentalities. 
 
 There is, nevertheless, an object near at 
 hand which well deserves a passing notice. 
 Near the large and naked trunk of an old 
 elm that leans over the water, and whose 
 roots, on the side next the river, are washed 
 bare by the attrition of the current, an ob 
 long stone set into the ground, and project 
 ing some three feet above it, is found to bear 
 the following rudely chiselled inscription : 
 
 SACRED 
 
 to the memory of twenty-sis gallant men, 
 
 who fell on this spot in defence of the 
 
 women and children of the early settlement, 
 
 against a numerous party of Indians, 
 
 on the night of the 9th of June, 
 
 A. D. 1784. 
 
 Here, if the old elm were still in the pride 
 A its foliage, the traveller might be well
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. H 
 
 content to stop under its shadow, and rekin 
 dle the embers of his patriotism with the 
 memories of bygone days; the trials and 
 dangers encountered by the adventurous 
 pioneers of the western wilderness. No life 
 of courtly dalliance was theirs not theirs 
 the feebleness of body and mind resulting 
 from luxurious sloth. The policy of insur 
 ance upon each man's life consisted of his 
 customs, his sinews, his trusty rifle, and his 
 ! uniting blade. 
 
 Our hero himself is not indifferent to the 
 associations of this hallowed spot; on the 
 contrary, the interests thereof are said to 
 make their way to his heart through the 
 plaits of fat in which it is so thickly en 
 cased ; and this may well be believed, since 
 among the band of heroes thus epitaphed 
 repose the ashes of his father, Epaphroditus 
 Tub. 
 
 Our friend Tub keeps a stqre and tavern 
 convenient to the public road, where, reader, 
 ho will at any time be happy to see and 
 serve you, on terms as honest as times will 
 n How. I insert this advertisement for him 
 ti^. for he is a very pious man, is elder
 
 12 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 Tub, very, and ahem ! moderately honest, 
 too, as times go. At all events, if he ever 
 overcharges, or is beguiled by the tempta 
 tions of the devil into frauds of any kind, 
 he repents of it afterwards, or means to 
 
 before he dies and what more can piety 
 
 require of any man ? 
 
 Perhaps, for no human being is wholly ex 
 empt from failings, perhaps, I say, Mr. Tub 
 may have slightly erred in the following 
 important particular. There is a maxim in 
 hackneyed use which advises, " Get along 
 honestly in life if you can if you cannot 
 honestly, get along anyJiow." Now it 
 chanced to comport best with Elder Tub's 
 notions of prudence to take this precept the 
 tail-end foremost he tried the anyhow first, 
 and judged that when he should get rich at 
 that, ho could then better afford to practise 
 honesty afterward. 
 
 There is spiritual economy, too, in this 
 arrangement, he thought, for, in after life, 
 when preparing for heaven by a repentance 
 of past misdeeds, it will be found easier 
 resisting the devil with a full pocket than 
 with an empty one, and easier obtaining
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 13 
 
 clerical assistance into the bargain. How 
 ever that may be, the reader is earnestly 
 advised not to make the experiment, since, 
 amongst the numerous inconveniences by 
 which the anyhow course is attended, not 
 the least is that habits are thereby formed 
 which it will task all the prudence and 
 piety of after years to overcome. Let, then, 
 HONESTY, FIRST, LAST, AND MIDST, be the 
 reader's motto and governing principle 
 through life. 
 
 Even the godly Mr. Tub has sore expe 
 rience of the evil arising from long practice 
 on the anyhow principle ; a sore straining of 
 his conscience does he find it to do, in any 
 instance, the exactly honest thing. How, 
 then, ought the godless, who have not the 
 advantage of having been bom again, as 
 has elder Tub, take warning from his sad 
 example. 
 
 But this, mind you, reader, is not to be 
 construed as implying anything to the dis 
 paragement of Mr. Tub's character God- 
 ward by no manner of means his piety 
 still remains immaculate. If other evidence 
 of that were wanting, this would suffice 
 2
 
 14 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 dz., that the church retains him amongst 
 her most honored members, and 
 
 But here, again, I am reminded that on 
 this head the tongue of scandal has busied 
 itself as on what head will it not? In 
 sooth it is the peculiar fate of saintsliip to 
 be scandalized. For example, it has been 
 insinuated that the elder would long since 
 have been excommunicated but for his long 
 purse, the scarcity of wealthy members, the 
 usefulness of his daughter Keziah in distri 
 buting tracts, and begging pions charities, 
 etc. But this, of course, is all sheer slan 
 der, and but illustrates the holy text, that 
 '' they who will live godly in Christ Jesus 
 must suffer persecution/' Nor is Unit 
 same slander credible for another reason. 
 Churches, everybody knows, are composed 
 of godly persons; consequently, they are 
 more tenderly considerate of their poor 
 members than of their rich ones, and the 
 pastors of the same being more godly still 
 do much oftfiirr visit and pay their cour 
 tesy to the poor than to the rich of course 
 they do. 
 
 Now, although it is confessed '.hat an
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 15 
 
 ominous cloud now and then ariseth on the 
 fair sky of Mr. Tub's deputation; and, 
 although, moreover, the church hath several 
 times called him to account therefor; and 
 although, furthermore, he hath on each such 
 occasion consented to increase his subscrip 
 tion for the minister, and the pious Keziah 
 hath evinced an increase of zeal in her beg 
 ging and tract dispensing charities ; does it 
 follow that the aforesaid scandalous insinu 
 ation hath in it any color of truth? By no 
 manner of means. Most clearly not. 
 
 One thing, at all events, seems indubitably 
 to be settled in regard to Mr. Tub, viz., that 
 whatever may be the number of his man- 
 ward obliquities, his Godward condition is 
 unimpeachable. And he has, besides, one 
 all-redeeming quality one which, of itself, 
 " will cover the multitude of sins," viz., he 
 is most orthodox in faith, and particularly 
 in respect to the article of endless damna 
 tion. " His own damnation?" Oh, by no 
 means, dear simple reader, not his own ; 
 none but fools, or very nervous people, be 
 lieve in their own damnation. 
 
 However, everybody is sure that somebody
 
 16 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 will be damned, and ought to be, and Mr. 
 Tub is of everybody's opinion in that partic 
 ular. But, then, as he is not to be included 
 among those who are to be damned, he very 
 properly gives himself no uneasiness about 
 the matter, but takes it as comfortably as 
 may be. It does not in the slightest degree 
 tend to check his tendency to corpulence. 
 He even goes to sleep, it is said, when his 
 pastor, the Rev. Mr. Smearsoul, comes to 
 that part of his sermon in which that edify 
 ing item is descanted upon. And why 
 should he not? seeing that neither to him 
 self, nor his kith, nor kin, it can have the 
 remotest applicability. His experience in 
 relation thereto is summed up in the fol 
 lowing luscious verses : 
 
 " Praised be the Lord, I pardoned am, 
 
 My spouse, good son], is pardoned too, 
 We shall be saved, through Christ the Lamb, 
 In spite of all that we can do. 
 
 Our children, fix in number, all 
 
 (By pious parents sanctified,) 
 Are safe in urace whate'er befall, 
 
 For who shall Christ's elect divide *
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 
 
 For others, it is nought to me 
 
 Who shall be saved, or who be damned, 
 For grace shall still exalted be, 
 
 saints rejoice tho' hell be crammed." 
 
 17
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Elder Tub ruminateth. An apparition of doubtful charar 
 ter introduceth himself. He describeth hell as beir.g a fat 
 more tolerable place than it is generally believed to be ; 
 and giveth a pleasing and very probable account of its 
 good state of society. 
 
 ELDER Tun sat at the foot of the old elm 
 one moonlight evening, ruminating on tin 1 
 trials and dangers which were encountered 
 in life by the brave men whose fate was 
 registered on the rude stone near him ; an 
 unwonted sensibility stole over his heart <>n 
 the occasion, insomuch that it wholly ab 
 stracted his attention from surround in.' 
 objects. "Noble fellows!" exclaimed he. 
 "thus to have torn yourselves from tin- 
 attractions of civilized life, and to I 
 ventured forth into this then howling wil- 
 derness, inhabited only by savages and wild 
 varmints. How much our now smiling ruid 
 populous country owes to your exert ions 
 and sacrifices ! Yet here you lie, with
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 21 
 
 nothing but this rock to tell that you ever 
 lived, or in what cause you died. Well, 
 rest in peace, brave hearts ! for if our coun 
 try is thus unmindful of her benefactors, 
 thar 's mighty comfort in knowing that hea 
 ven " 
 
 Our soliloquist was here interrupted by 
 sounds which resembled a suppressed gig 
 gle " He, he, he ! 
 
 His first impression was that they pro 
 ceeded from one of his negroes of which 
 he owned a score or so and feeling both 
 his piety and his patriotism to be insulted 
 by such ill-timed merriment, he clutched 
 his cane with the meek purpose of knock 
 ing the offender down ; but horror of hor 
 rors, with what a vision was he greeted! 
 Was it human, or was it spirit? It seemed 
 too shadowy for the one too corporeal for 
 the other. Over its deep-set eyes, in which 
 twinkled a world of cunning humor, beetled 
 a pair of shaggy brows, from which the 
 forehead sloped back in a fashion that no 
 phienologist would like, inasmuch as it 
 indicated anything but a good moral devel-
 
 22 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 opmeut. Poor Tub felt his hat to riso 
 involuntarily from his head, 
 
 "And each particular hair to stand on end, 
 Like quills upon the fretful porcupine." 
 
 The apparition continued to regard him 
 with humorous interest for some moments, 
 sitting much at its ease, within a few yards 
 of him, and peering at him with its twink 
 ling optics as if it would look him through. 
 
 " Mr. Tub," it said at length, "don't be 
 alarmed at my sudden appearance here, nor 
 take e/Fence at my seeming rudeness in 
 breaking in upon your soliloquy. I meant 
 no contempt for the sentiments you uttered, 
 Mr. Tub; but your closing remark^ or, 
 rather, the remark with which you were 
 about to close was so unorthodox, that, 
 coming from you, an elder of the church, it 
 betrayed me out of my usual gravity for 
 the moment. He, he! it really was a laugh 
 able mistake in you, my good friend, to sup 
 pose that patriotism, or any other merely 
 moral virtue, is held in any sort of esteem in 
 heaven ! Why, know you not that all its 
 favors are lavished on those who have been
 
 ELDER. TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 23 
 
 born again ? And this, you must know, is 
 a degree in religious experience which is 
 seldom taken by brave men who die for 
 their country, and most assuredly was not 
 by a single one of those on whose fate you 
 were ruminating. I say this from certain 
 
 knowledge, Mr. Tub, for my own bones 
 
 Nay, don't start, my friend you are per 
 fectly safe in my company my own bones 
 lie beneath that stone; and my spiritual 
 abode is where all theirs is whose fate is 
 recorded on that rude tablet where that of] 
 forty-nine fiftieths is, who are sent to eter 
 nity from the battle-field It is hi the 
 
 world of woe, Mr. Tub." 
 
 A deep pause of some moments here 
 ensued, during which the elder was strug 
 gling between his fears and his curiosity ; 
 at length the apparition resumed his dis 
 course in the same familiar strain. 
 
 "My name, on earth, Mr. Tub, was 
 Shadrach Paddle, and I passed for a tolera 
 bly honest and clever fellow. I believe ; I 
 was on terms of great intimacy with Epapli- 
 roditus Tub, your father ; together we 
 fought and fell at last, on this very spot,
 
 24 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and we found ourselves in heli together at 
 the same moment of time. Your mother, 
 and my wife, Dolly Paddle who never did 
 any harm in her life, poor soul, but that of 
 neglecting to be born again and the rest 
 of the women who were tomahawked on 
 the occasion, had arrived there about an 
 hour before us, and were taking on sadly at 
 their hard fortune, poor creatures, especial 
 ly at their being separated from their chil 
 dren, who, however, it was a consolation 
 to them to know, had gone to a happier 
 
 world 
 
 " You shake your head, Mr. Tub," conti 
 nued the goblin, " and I know what thought 
 is passing through your mind at this moment, 
 you think that the relations of one with 
 another in time are all forgotten in eternity. 
 So your divines persuade you, and doubt 
 less they have their motive therefor. They 
 would find it hard, for instance, to keep the 
 saints in comfort, in reference to their own 
 parents, partners, children, who died with 
 out due preparation for heaven, except they 
 could persuade them that in the spirit-life 
 all these ties pass from remembrance for-
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 25 
 
 ever. How, then, do these divines dispose 
 of the case of the rich man, in the parable ? 
 Did not he know Abraham 1 Did not 
 Abraham still recognize him as his son ? 
 Was he not still concerned for the wel 
 fare of his five brethren? Ah, friend 
 Tub, that device for quieting the plea of 
 the affections in behalf of kindred damned, 
 will not do; your priests, Mr. Tub, must 
 devise something more feasible, and better 
 authenticated. 
 
 " Well, to resume my narrative : it was 
 not long after our arrival in hell ere we all 
 became pretty well reconciled to the coun 
 try, hot as it is ; more especially as we 
 found there nearly all our brave country 
 men who, some ten years before, had been 
 sent thither from the bloody fields of Lex 
 ington and Bunker Hill ; and others of later 
 arrival from Monmouth, Saratoga, Trenton, 
 and other revolutionary battle-grounds. 
 These brave fellows, I was pleased to learn, 
 had become pretty well inured to the cli 
 mate, and could now endure its discomforts 
 with tolerable composure. Custom, you 
 3
 
 26 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 know, Mr. Tub, will reconcile us to any 
 thing. 
 
 " And, take my word for it, my friend, 
 the society of hell bating that it has no 
 religion is far more respectable than mor 
 tals are aware of. You must be convinced 
 of this when you consider of what distin 
 guished personages a large portion of it is 
 composed. By far the most of your revolu 
 tionary heroes are there, Mr. Tub; those 
 who commanded your armies and ships ; 
 who signed the declaration of your inde 
 pendence; who thundered against tyranny 
 in your legislative halls; who presided in 
 your national councils, and even occupied 
 your chief executive chair; whose deeds, 
 moreover, are the theme of history and 
 of song ; but who neglected, nevertheless, to 
 get religion, and to shape their opinions 
 thereof by a creed, and are therefore, de 
 spite their moral and patriotic virtues, con 
 signed to the realms of hell forever. 
 
 " For it is the essence of orthodoxy, Mr. 
 Tub as you, an elder of the church, must 
 be aware that virtue, and patriotism, are 
 but filthy rags in the* estimation of Heaven,
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 27 
 
 unless those who exercise them shall hap 
 pen to have been bom again. Moreover, 
 there is, as your own divines allow, no 
 change after death; of course, then, these 
 virtues continue to be exercised in hell, and 
 the personages alluded to continue to be 
 there distinguished by the excellent quali 
 ties which distinguished them on earth. 
 Hence, Mr. Tub, there is a large aggregate 
 )f moral excellence in hell. 
 
 "On the other hand, some very scurvy 
 ascals have gone to heaven to my certain 
 Knowledge. There was Anthony Pimp, for 
 instance, who deserted our colony with a 
 dozen horses he had stolen, and who, to 
 obliterate the evidence of his infamy, guided 
 the Indians to our encampment at midnight, 
 and thereby effected our destruction. I 
 made sure of Anthony's arrival in hell 
 when his term on earth should expire; I 
 ivas equally certain that, except accident 
 >hould befriend him, his term would be cut 
 short by the hangman sooner or later. Arid 
 ; t was, sure enough ; but he managed his 
 spiritual matters more shrewdly than I an 
 ticipated, for he got religion before he graced
 
 28 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the gallows, and is now in heaven, singing 
 psalms. He, he ! Anthony will have found 
 many a shrewd rogue in his new home, 
 who defrauded the devil at the last pinch 
 after the same fashion. 
 
 "In my simplicity, Mr. Tub, I looked 
 about me in hell for a considerable time 
 after my arrival there, in quest of certain 
 persons of whom I had read in history, who 
 had distinguished themselves by deeds of 
 ferocity and persecution. I had read, for 
 instance, of the founding of the Inquisition 
 by St. Dominic of the Te Deum performed 
 by Pope Innocent, when the news reached 
 him of the massacre of 40,000 Protestants 
 on St Bartholemew's day of the burning 
 of Servetus, by Calvin of Cotton Mather's 
 brutality at the hanging of Rev. George 
 Burroughs, &c. ' Of a surety,' thought I, 
 'those canting persecutors are in hell for 
 these dark deeds.' I was mistaken, never 
 theless : their victims were mostly there, 
 but their murderers had died in the odor of 
 sanctity, and gone to the other country. 
 
 " Hence I learned that persecution, when 
 the party committing it is Orthodox, and
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 29 
 
 the victim a heretic, is not included in the 
 catalogue of damning sins. O no, Mr. Tub, 
 but few of those who imbrue their hands in 
 the blood of heretics are doomed to an 
 abode in our ungodly place, and this, also, 
 is favorable to our good state of society. 
 
 " How often do you hear it said, Mr. Tub, 
 that ' there ought to be a hell for somebody.'' 
 Granting there ought do those same some 
 bodies get to it? On the contrary, does it 
 not oftener happen that the more moral and 
 peaceable class of people neglect to be born 
 again, whilst the profligate, the profane, the 
 violent, make sudden work of the matter, 
 and help largely to swell the company of the 
 saints on earth and the saved in heaven? 
 Even your own preachers will inform you, 
 Mr. Tub, that there is a far slenderer chance 
 of a moral man's salvation than that of an 
 out-breaking villain's. Hence, you see that 
 hell has every chance for a very decent 
 state of society, and, on that score, for being 
 a very decent and orderly sort of place." 
 
 Another pause here ensued; our friend 
 Triptolemus was utterly astounded at the 
 mature of these disclosures; their strange- 
 3*
 
 30 . A1HJ.N II I.I. > OF 
 
 noss; the familiar manner in which the gob 
 lin addressed him ; his near concern in the 
 matters revealed, and the air of entire prob 
 ability which the statements of Paddle 
 wore, quite overcame the elder's fears, and 
 emboldened him to hold converse with his 
 queer visitor. His poor old father and mo 
 ther in hell ! Alas ! he had not before 
 dreamed of such a tiling. Yet what more 
 possible'? since, as he well knew, they were 
 destitute of that mysterious qualification 
 which is held to be essential to one's admis 
 sion into heaven, although possessed of 
 many virtues which rendered them useful 
 and amiable on earth. 
 
 Such, also, was tin- case iii general with 
 the hardy pioneers of the west : coarse in 
 manners and in speech ; ignorant of, and 
 indifferent about, the mysteries of the 
 Christian faith; yrt frank-hearted, hospita 
 ble, and reckless of hardship and danger 
 when responding to the calls of duty and 
 humanity; their dying-beds were seldom 
 cheered by the voice of religion, or their 
 graves sanctifu-fl ]>y its prayer*. 
 
 " Am I, then, to believe, Mr. Paddle."
 
 ELDER TKIPTOLEMUS TUB. 3l 
 
 the elder took courage to inquire, " that you 
 are really an inhabitant of the lower pit, 
 and that my parents the whole twenty-six 
 who lie under this rock and the women of 
 tUe settlement who were massacred on that 
 r earful night, are all now included amongst 
 he damned?" 
 
 " No preaching was ever more true, Mr. 
 Tub, whether you believe it or not," was 
 Paddle's reply. " If you credit these state- 
 nents, weJl ; and if not, well ; it is a rule in 
 .he divine government, it seems, to burn 
 people for their want of faith, and the same 
 aas been extensively adopted in the practice 
 )f godly men on earth as witness the fires 
 )f Smithfield and the Inquisition but opin- 
 *>n in hell is free. 
 
 " I don't wonder at its being unpalatable 
 ,ruth to you that so many of those are in 
 iell who achieved your national liberties; 
 I know it would not sound well in a fourth- 
 of-July oration ; full oft have I been invisi- ' 
 bly present on such days, and laughed in 
 the orator's face as he was descanting on 
 the virtues of those brave men, and pointed 
 to heaven as the place where they are
 
 32 ADVENT I) r.^ 
 
 receiving the meed of their servi^ -*?, 
 he ! And your divines, Mr. Tub, dare iut 
 offend the patriotism of the people by hint 
 ing that these same heroes may possibly be 
 in a very different country. 
 
 " Now is it likely, Mr. Tub, that amidst 
 the bustle, and heat, and passion, which 
 revolutionary times and conflicts are apt to 
 excite, those gallant fellows took leisure to 
 concern themselves about faith and the new 
 birth ? Not much did old Putnam, I trow, 
 nor Warren, nor Greene, nor Moultrie, nor 
 De Kalb, nor Paul Jones. And, to come to 
 later times, who suspects that Decatur, or 
 Lawrence, or Jefferson, or Franklin, with 
 many others whom I could name, were sub 
 jects of regeneration and an evangelical 
 faith? It has been asserted of even the 
 great Washington, that although he gave a 
 general assent to the truth of Christianity, 
 he stopt widely short of an evangelical con 
 version. 
 
 <: Of course I could tell you exactly now 
 that matter stands, but I spare your patri 
 otic feelings. Be assured, however, that 
 hell contains a very large majority of the
 
 ELDER TKIl'TOLKMUS TUB. 33 
 
 most learned and illustrious men that have 
 existed on earth poets, orators, statesmen, 
 priests, historians, sages, and monarchs ; and 
 whilst the wise maxims and precepts of 
 some of these form the elements of the moral 
 code for millions of mankind, they them 
 selves are in hell because, in addition to 
 their good morality, they did not also get 
 religion a thing they might have got very 
 cheaply, and (as in the case of the thief on 
 the cross) at their very last extremity." 
 
 " But, Mr. Paddle," broke in the elder 
 
 "Not a word, Mr. Tub," interrupted 
 
 Paddle in return ; "I divine what you are 
 about to say, my friend, and will save you 
 the discredit of uttering a sentiment so unor 
 thodox. Remember, Mr. Tub, that you are 
 an elder, and ought, therefore, to be sound in 
 the faith. Now you were about to suggest 
 that possibly some of these very respectable 
 persons are admitted to heaven, even with 
 out having been evangelically regenerated, 
 on the score of their rare moral excellen 
 cies. 
 
 " My friend, the thing is not to be thought 
 of it is decidedly heretical. So taught not
 
 34 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Bunyan, nor Hervey, nor Toplady, nor 
 Doddridge, nor Gill, nor Scott, nor Owen, 
 nor, indeed, any of the class of divines 
 termed evangelical. Not even Arminians 
 so teach though with their creed it would 
 better consist than with Calvinism. 
 
 "For example, on the parable of the 
 rich man and Lazarus, Archbishop Usher, 
 and after him Adam Clarke, (we are won 
 drous book-wise in hell, Mr. Tub,) asserts 
 that Christ prefers no charge whatever 
 against the rich man's moral character 
 that, on the contrary, he may have been a 
 very upright and charitable gentleman, and 
 only lacked the one thing needful, or a 
 sound conversion, to qualify him for an 
 abode among the blessed. Of course, then, 
 as persons may possess a great deal of amia 
 bility and yet be damned, it is clear that 
 hell must contain a large amount of most 
 delectable society But," exclaimed Pad 
 dle, with some alarm, " the moon, I see. is 
 getting high above the hills ; I must there 
 fore be gone, Mr. Tub, for my person don't 
 show to advantage in a strong light, and 
 the light of the sun is still more prejudicial
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 35 
 
 thereto than moonshine. I will see you 
 again and renew these topics, Mr. Tub. 
 Farewell." 
 
 In another moment Shadrach Paddle was 
 gone not a trace of him was left ; the elder 
 nibbed his eyes, and strained his vision to 
 the utmost, but to no effect, save that he did 
 fancy that he saw a streak of mist ascend 
 ing the mountain-side. He could not on 
 oath affirm it to have been Paddle, how 
 ever, nor any relation of his ; neither can I. 
 The elder began to be doubtful at length 
 whether his eyes and ears might not have 
 been all the while deceiving him, and 
 whether the whole matter of the supposed 
 interview might not have been a trick of the 
 imagination. Perhaps it was; the reader 
 can decide as to that as well as I ; I give it 
 to him as I got it.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Our hero muttereth some doubts as to the truth of Paddle's 
 account of hett and its society ; Paddle reappeareth ; he 
 condescendeth to enact the philosopher, and reasnneth thr. 
 points very convincingly ; he describeth the amusements of 
 hell. 
 
 OUR friend Triptolemus could not sum 
 mon courage enough, on the next evening, 
 to await his visitant's visit at the foot 
 of the elm tree, but he sat out on one of 
 the benches of the porch afore described, 
 and as he smoked his pipe, and watched the 
 alternate play of moonlight and shadow on 
 the placid river, he ruminated with huge 
 profundity on the matters of Paddle's com 
 munication. 
 
 "No, it's clar against possibility," mut 
 tered he at length, as he knocked the ashes 
 out of his pipe; "to think of people's ever 
 getting used to hell-fire is mighty unreason 
 able; a salamander itself could not stand 
 it; why, Parson Smearsoul says that the
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 37 
 
 intensest heat of a lime-kiln is ice itself 
 compared with hell's temperature, and that 
 the same will grow hotter and hotter to all 
 eternity. So its clar out of reason to think 
 of ever getting used to it. And, besides as 
 Parson Smearsoul also says it aint literal 
 fire after all ; ' fire,' he says, ' is only used as 
 a figure ; the real suffering of the damned 
 is from remorse.' These are his very words, 
 and all our best commentators confirm that 
 opinion. So that point is settled. 
 
 " Well, as to the society of the place. I 
 am willing to admit that a great many 
 respectable people are sent to hell one time 
 and another, and it really is true, as Paddle 
 says, that moral folk are in much greater 
 danger of being damned than are outbreak 
 ing sinners, 'because,' to quote Parson 
 Smearsoul again, ' the latter can be fright 
 ened, and thus brought to repentance, while 
 the former feel safe on the ground of their 
 own uprightness. Conscience, tharfore, 
 fails to alarm the moral man, and he is not 
 undeceived as to the worthlessness of his 
 morality until he finds himself in hell.' So 
 says Parson Smearsoul, and I conclude, 
 4
 
 38 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 tharfore, that it's best for a man to sin with 
 a whole hand while he is about it, and not 
 merely half do the thing. 
 
 " However, altho' so many of hell's inhab 
 itants may be decent folk when they go 
 thar, yet they soon change for the worse. 
 That 's certain. The doctrine of no change 
 
 O 
 
 after death, means that people can't change 
 for the better but they may for the worse 
 for all that Indeed it's a clar case, for I 
 have heard the Reverend Mr. Smearsoul 
 say so. ' The damned,' says he, ' get worse 
 and worse to all eternity.' So I 've got back 
 to the true point of faith again, thank 
 God." 
 
 As the elder arrived at this self-satisfying 
 conclusion he happened to turn his eyes 
 toward the other side of the porch, and 
 there, to his astonishment, sat Mr. Shadrach 
 Paddle very much at his ease, and waiting, 
 apparently, with great politeness, until the 
 thread of our hero's reasoning should run 
 out; this point arrived at he gave vent to 
 one of his quiet laughs he, he ! and then 
 addressed the elder as follows. 
 
 "I plainly perceive, Mr. Tub, that yon
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TU1S. 39 
 
 are no philosopher; nor need you regret 
 that, since the being a fool considerably 
 increases one's chance of being saved at 
 last. I myself went to hell with no large 
 stock of sense ; but one cannot be long there 
 without greatly increasing his capital of 
 information. Frequent intercourse with the 
 numerous gifted intellects comprised in hell's 
 community tends to diffuse a high degree of 
 intelligence through the entire mass. ^.11 
 the heathen philosophers are with us, Mr. 
 Tub, besides innumerable wits, poets, logi 
 cians, statesmen, and literati from Christen 
 dom : one must be a dull scholar not to 
 improve in such society. 
 
 " We have blind Homer, the father of 
 song ; Virgil, his most gifted disciple ; Hor 
 ace, Ovid, Euripides, Juvenal, Pindar in 
 short all the bards of antiquity, and nearly 
 all of modern times, especially such as pro 
 faned their gifts by writing for the stage. 
 Of course Shakspeare is with us ; and But 
 ler, (or Hudibras,) and Dryden, and Pope, 
 and Ben Jonson, and Otway, and Collins, 
 and Cowley, and Rowe, and Swift, besides 
 thousands of different nations whose names
 
 40 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 you would not recognize. Their misfortune 
 was to be seeking for words that would con 
 form to rhyme and metre when they should 
 have been seeking to save their souls. 
 
 " Then we also have historians ; as Hero 
 dotus, Xenophon, Tacitus, Livy, Sal lust, 
 Plutarch, Suetonius. Also of modern times, 
 as Gibbon, Hume, Bolingbroke, Clarendon. 
 Smollet, and others. Of sages, both heathen 
 and Christian, we have an ample comple 
 ment ; as Socrates, Pythagoras, Plato, Aris 
 totle, Zeno, Diogenes, the two Catoes; 
 besides the moderns, Spinosa, Rousseau, 
 Voltaire, Franklin, and so on. 
 
 " Need I name statesmen, orators, physi 
 cians, warriors, and men of science? We 
 have Cicero, Demosthenes, the two Bru- 
 tuses, Themistocles, Alcibiades, Strabo, the 
 two Plinys, Esculapius, Hippocrates, in 
 short, too many to be particularized. So 
 many, indeed, and constituting, whether we 
 regard their talents or their virtues, so bril 
 liant an assembly, that the benevolence of 
 pi-opie begins to be startled in these times at 
 the idea of peopling hell with such decent 
 company, and the good orthodox faith is
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 41 
 
 much endangered by recent attempts to 
 have it otherwise. 
 
 "It is asserted, for instance, that men 
 may get to heaven without believing in 
 Christ, or being born again, provided that 
 they have not had the gospel preached to 
 them, and have lived pretty decently with 
 out it. Now if this were so, Mr. Tub, why 
 should missionaries be sent to preach to the 
 heathen especially as it costs so much? 
 It maybe doubted whether more do not live 
 moral lives without the gospel, than attain a 
 miraculous change of heart with it. Why 
 then, I repeat, since, without it, the terms 
 of salvation are easier, should men be paid 
 for preaching the gospel Jo the heathfiQ. 
 wjjiek increases the_difficulty of the terms 
 _of salvaJiQi^ and lessons their chance of 
 fretting fr) heaven at lastj 
 
 " Poor economy, methinks, Mr. Tub, espe 
 cially as the having heard the gospel will 
 make hell the hotter to those who shall fail 
 of being converted by it. Poor economy, I 
 repeat, Mr. Tub, poor economy, sir ! But, 
 then, you know, my friend, this notion of 
 the salvability of the heathen without the 
 4*
 
 42 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 gospel is but a novelty of a later age, and is 
 one of those lies Which are saddening the 
 hearts of the righteous who continue to 
 believe in the good old way. 
 
 "And now, elder Tub, I will set you 
 right in regard to the points you were rea 
 soning with yourself upon when I took my 
 seat here. And first. You think it improb 
 able that people can become inured to hell's 
 temperature, so that, at length, it shall cease 
 to be disagreeable to them. 
 
 " You must know, Mr. Tub, that heat 
 and cold are but relative circumstances. 
 Look yonder at the planet Mercury, whose 
 orbit is scores of millions of miles nearer the 
 sun than is that of your earth, and its cli 
 mate is such that, were your vast oceans 
 removed thither, they would almost instantly 
 be converted into vapor, and a mortal who 
 should be translated thither would soon be 
 scorched to a cinder. Yet it is a peopled 
 world, Mr. Tub, and its inhabitants are as 
 well pleased with its temperature as you 
 are with this of yours. When their astron 
 omers survey this earth, it makes them 
 shiver to think of beings living in so frozen
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 43 
 
 a clime as they pronounce this to be, even 
 within the equatorial circle. 
 
 " Now, with regard to hell, our constitu 
 tions are fitted to endure its heat, or they 
 are not ; if they are, long use will not fail to 
 reconcile us to it ; if they are not, we must 
 of necessity waste under its influence, (for 
 pain implies waste,*) and annihilation must 
 at length ensue. Your shrewd divines 
 would seem to have hecome aware of this 
 fact ; hence some of them have substituted 
 the doctrine of annihilation for that of end 
 less torture; while others would persuade 
 you that hell-fire is but a metaphor, and 
 that the real punishment of the damned con 
 sists of remorse. Now, that remorse it can 
 not be, I will most satisfactorily prove to 
 you. 
 
 " It is absolutely essential to the existence 
 of remorse that the moral feelings should be 
 active ; and as these become torpid remorse 
 ceases. Hence it is, that the more pious the 
 individual is, the keener is his remorse for 
 the slightest deviation from duty. Hence, 
 too, as an individual progresses in crime 
 his moral sensibilities become blunted, and
 
 4'i ADVENTURES OF 
 
 remorse in him becomes less keen and less 
 frequent. Now, your divines say that the 
 damned are wholly lost to goodness, and 
 wholly filled with wickedness. That being 
 true, Mr. Tub, how can they be exercised 
 with the slightest possible degree of remorse '? 
 The thing is impossible. 
 
 " But remorse cannot take place in hell 
 for another reason. We never can remorse 
 fully regret having sinned against a being 
 we hate whilst hate is active, remorse, in 
 relation to the same being, never can be. 
 On the contrary, in proportion to our love 
 for a being, will be our remorse for having 
 sinned against him. If we even do not 
 really love him, yet, if we are conscious of 
 his claims upon our gmlllwlc. on the ground 
 of benefits conferred, we still will be remorse 
 ful for having violated so many and obvi 
 ous obligations, and will regret that some 
 peculiarities in the individual prevent the 
 possibility of our loving him. Now, is it 
 likely that God is loved in hell. Mr. Tub? 
 Is it even likely that the damned can regard 
 Him as their benefactor, in having imposed 
 on them ;m which he cloarly fore-
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 45 
 
 saw would prove to them a ceaseless curse 1 
 Of course not, and remorse in hell therefore 
 is clearly impossible. 
 
 " You mortals charge your ruin upon the 
 Devil, but we in hell know that the Devil 
 has no power but what the Creator gave 
 him, and that he who, having created chil 
 dren in his own image, let loose upon them 
 a host of malignant spirits who coveted their 
 destruction, is at least as responsible for the 
 foreseen disastrous result, as they can be 
 who were instrumental in effecting it. It is 
 thus we reason, Mr. Tub, and we therefore 
 fail to see any obligations of gratitude to be 
 due from us to God ; on no ground, there 
 fore, is remorse in hell a possibility. 
 
 " Thus far I have reasoned on your own 
 premises ; but as to our growing worse and 
 worse in hell, let us look into that. In hell 
 we have no fleshly appetites to gratify, and 
 they, with mortals, are the primary source 
 of sin ; we have no gold to excite avarice ; 
 no food nor drink to induce intemperance ; 
 no distinctions of sex to excite lust, that 
 most prolific cause of mischief among men. 
 Gambling cannot be practised in hell, seeing
 
 46 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 that nothing can be there lost nor won. 
 Nor, where there are no dominions to be 
 conquered, can ambition take place, nor its 
 concomitant, war. An illicit amour with 
 a beautiful woman led to the siege and 
 destruction of Troy ; but hell can give birth 
 to no such circumstance. The bard Milton 
 seems to have appreciated hell's advantage 
 over earth in this respect; hence he ex 
 claims, 
 
 " ' O, shame to man devil with devil damned 
 
 Finn concord keeps ; men only disagree 
 
 Of creatures rational.' 
 
 "On earth, too, millions have sadly 
 groaned in dungeons, on racks, and in 
 flames, to glut the hungry maw of super 
 stition ; but in hell we have no religion to 
 incite us to persecute one another. How, 
 then, can we grow worse and worse? 
 
 " No being, Mr. Tub, ever sinned for 
 mere sinning's sake ; but for what could be 
 gained by it, and as in hell nothing can be 
 gained thereby, so in hell there can be no 
 motive for sinning. I know well that your 
 divines are wont to affirm that the source 
 and motive of all wickedness is hatred of
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TITB. 47 
 
 God. But this is sheer nonsense. If a 
 man gets drunk, for instance, is it hatred of 
 God which induces him to it, or love of 
 rum? The latter, undoubtedly. So if a 
 man abuses his neighbor, it is hatred of, or 
 anger toward his neighbor, which actuates 
 him, not hatred of God. Men are ambitious, 
 through a love of power or conquest they 
 are libertines through a love of sensual 
 gratification ; and so on, but as to God, they 
 never take a thought how their conduct is 
 to affect him. Man is, by a law of his 
 nature, a selfish being, and acts for self. 
 
 "So you see, my friend, that hell is a far 
 more tolerable place, in every view of it, 
 than it is generally believed to be ; and we 
 have one undeniable advantage over those 
 who leave this earth for heaven, which I 
 wish you to take into serious consideration. 
 It very rarely happens, Mr. Tub, that a 
 whole family gets to heaven, either together 
 or separately; sometimes the wife gets 
 there, whilst her husband and children are 
 damned ; sometimes a part of the children 
 are saved, and find that neither father nor 
 mother has attained the same desirable des-
 
 48 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 tiny. They are, then, orphans in heaven. 
 Now as to hell, how often do whole families 
 nay, whole communities arrive thither 
 at the same moment of time ! The whole 
 earth's population, for instance, at the time 
 of the flood, and the communities of Sodom 
 and Gomorrah at the time of their destruc 
 tion. Now this, Mr. Tub, is no inconsider 
 able advantage which hell has over heaven , 
 for although the fleshly relations are dis 
 solved at death, yet the relations of mind 
 with mind are not thus dissolved, nor can 
 they be." 
 
 " Why, really, Mr. Paddle ! " exclaimed 
 the astonished Triptolemus, " you quite puz 
 zle and confound me; I never thought of 
 matters in such a light before; I now see 
 thar's mighty little chance of your being so 
 bad in hell as you are represented. But 
 then, as you don't employ yourselves in 
 serving God as they do in heaven, I should 
 think that time would pass mighty heavily 
 with you for lack of something to beguile it 
 with." 
 
 " Not at all, Mr. Tub," replied the gob 
 lin; " not at all ; we beguile it in numerous
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMTJS TUB. 49 
 
 pleasant ways. Being no longer encum 
 bered with our mortal nature, the intellect 
 is less clouded by passion and prejudice, 
 and can therefore exercise its powers more 
 freely. We have lessons on history from 
 the old historians, and as the chief part of 
 the heroes in the various wars therein men 
 tioned are with us, they can furnish the 
 details of the same, and correct the errors 
 of the original accounts. For my own part 
 I am fond of hearing our revolutionary bat 
 tles described by those who fought and fell 
 therein. 
 
 "Well, then we have new poems now 
 and then, from Homer, Shakspeare, Vol 
 taire, and others. Conceive, Mr. Tub, how 
 grand must necessarily be these produc 
 tions, when a Caesar, a Hannibal, a Napo 
 leon, recites his battles, and a Homer, or 
 Virgil, or Byron, converts the history into 
 song. 
 
 "Then we have philosophical lectures 
 
 and experiments in great plenty ; our own 
 
 Franklin has made many new discoveries 
 
 'in electricity, which is a matter of much 
 
 importance, for hell is considerably subject 
 
 5
 
 60 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 to thunder-storms. Archimedes explains to 
 us those wondrous contrivances, by which 
 he so long baffled the Roman army when it 
 besieged his native city of Syracuse. We 
 have among us the architects of those vast 
 structures which stand amidst the sandy 
 wastes of Egypt and Ethiopia. Semiramis 
 is with us, and Sesostris, as are also all the 
 Pharaohs, as well as the Kings of Bahy- 
 lon, Nineveh, Thebes, Carthage, and other 
 renowned ancient empires, whose ruins con 
 tinue to be a study and a wonder to your 
 antiquarians and savans. Hell, too, is an 
 exceedingly favorable field for chemical ex 
 periments, and of these we have an abun 
 dance by Lavoisier, Priestley, and thou 
 sands of others. But time, Mr. Tub, would 
 fail me for detailing the numerous devices 
 by which our attention, in hell, is diverted 
 from the uncomfortable heat of the climate. 
 "In all ages of the world, Mr. Tub, men 
 of enlarged minds have found it difficult to 
 conceive, how the Creator can justly hold 
 his rational creatures accountable for tln-ir 
 mistakes of opinion. Such, also, have usu 
 ally been imlificrent about attendance at
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 51 
 
 church, and the memorizing of creeds; they 
 have somehow taken it into their heads that 
 the best service of the Creator consists in 
 acts of beneficence to his creatures. Hence 
 millions of men, who were excellent hus 
 bands and fathers ; and millions of women, 
 who were amiable wives and tender mo 
 thers ; hence, too, millions of both sexes, who 
 were intent through life on living usefully 
 and beneficently for mankind, omitted to 
 get religion, join a church, and save their 
 immortal souls. 
 
 " Well, we prize highly in hell those vir 
 tues which heaven holds so cheap, and 
 when we see a tithe of the good which 
 results therefrom to the world effected by 
 evangclicid conversion, we shall prize that 
 too ; but at present such is the dimness of 
 our spiritual vision we hold that same 
 conversion about as cheaply as the saints 
 hold the moral and social virtues to be 
 valued it must be spiritually* discerned, no 
 doubt. 
 
 " Well, thus it has happened, that myri 
 ads of the most brilliant and gifted of mor 
 tals have, by the deceptive light of philoso-
 
 62 ADVENTURES OF ELDER TUB. 
 
 phy, or the bewildering glare of genius, 
 neglected to commit their creeds, and blun 
 dered down to the infernal pit. However, 
 retaining still those social and moral virtues, 
 (for there is no change after death,) they 
 compose a most splendid and delectable 
 society where they are, and the same goes 
 far toward rendering hell a very tolerable 
 place of abode." 
 
 A slight noise here called off the elder's 
 attention for a moment, and on his resum 
 ing it Paddle was clean gone not even a 
 streak of mist was visible. "Can it be?" 
 exclaimed the elder, in utter bewilderment. 
 " Can my senses a second time have been 
 deceiving me? Impossible; for I should 
 never, of myself, have thought of matters so 
 new, and startling. Heigh o! Well, I 
 must keep them to myself, or I shall be sus 
 pected of having talked these strange things 
 to my own ear, and my orthodoxy will thus 
 fall under suspicions." So concluding, the 
 elder went in and took his seat near the 
 kitchen fire by his spouse Dorothy Tub.
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 TJie elder expenenceth a huge expansion of ideas m regard 
 to the magnitude of the earth ; whereupon Paddle find 
 ing Mr. Tub's ideas in a growing state greatly addeth 
 to their enlargement by convincing him of the stupendous 
 dimensions of the lower world, and the numerousness of its 
 inhabitants, 
 
 ON the third night of our narrative elder 
 Tub would not trust himself out of doors, 
 for although Paddle had proved a harmless 
 visitant in his former interviews, yet the 
 elder felt an undefinable fear of him, and a 
 mistrust' as to the purpose of his visits; he 
 therefore kept himself close in the chimney 
 corner, and was employed through most of 
 the evening in perusing a map of the globe. 
 The great magnitude of the earth had never 
 loomed so largely to his mental vision as it 
 then did, and he was utterly amazed as his 
 mind gradually expanded to a realization of 
 it. Ever and anon he muttered his aston 
 ishment to Dorothy Tub, who occupied
 
 56 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 an arm-chair in the other chimney-corner, 
 which was the match to the one that con 
 tained his own portly person. 
 
 " Really ! Dorothy, my dear, this is a 
 mighty big world of ours! The 'Old 
 Dominion,' of itself, is a monstrous big 
 piece of ground. Thru thar's Pennsylva 
 nia and Ohio and New York all the 
 eastern all the western the middle, and 
 southern states! Then that's the country 
 away across the rocky mountains to the 
 Pacific and the immense tract across our 
 national limit to the north pole and Texas 
 and Mexico on the south ! And after all, I 
 have scarcely mentioned an eighth part of 
 the solid portion of our globe, and scarcely 
 two thirds of America alone! Only think, 
 Dorothy Tub ! " 
 
 The elder looked up on making this last 
 appeal to his spouse: but no Dorothy Tub 
 was there to sympathize in his amazement 
 her arm-chair was vacant. Nor, in truth. 
 had elder Tub any right to expect that .Mrs. 
 Tub would continue there to play echo to 
 his exclamations, for she herself had em 
 ployment in the same line, on the score of
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 67 
 
 certain corns and rheumatic affections, 
 which, by their peculiar uneasiness, prog 
 nosticated a change in the weather. And 
 she had so declared through the evening 
 again and again ; but Mr. Tub had been too 
 profoundly engaged to heed her complaints. 
 and it thus happeneth oft with men, when 
 their wives are detailing their aches and 
 pains, and the same is a crying sin on their 
 part. As to Dorothy, when she had ascer 
 tained that Mr. Tub was deaf to her inter 
 esting recital, she vacated her chair, and 
 betook herself to bed in a huff. 
 
 "A monstrous big world," exclaimed the 
 elder, continuing his erudite cogitations, 
 " for besides Europe and Asia and Africa 
 there are New Holland, and New South 
 Wales, besides numerous islands in the dif 
 ferent oceans ; and, after all, full three 
 fourths of the globe are covered with water. 
 Why, I wonder" 
 
 Here a significant " ahem ! " from the op 
 posite arm-chair, broke in upon his specula 
 tions, and on his looking in that direction, his 
 surprise was great at beholding Shadrach 
 Paddle therein seated, and regarding him
 
 68 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 with the same expression of humorous inter 
 est as upon former occasions. 
 
 " You think your world a large one. Mr. 
 Tub," said that queer personage, " what 
 then would you think, could you appreciate 
 the magnitude of hell ? Why, my friend, in 
 comparison therewith your globe is no big 
 ger than a hazel-nut. The planet Jupiter 
 would make eight hundred such worlds as 
 yours ; but hell would make more than that 
 many Jupiters nay, it would make more 
 than all the globes in your planetary sys 
 tem, the sun included. This, at first thought, 
 may seem an extravagant statement, but 
 reflection, Mr. Tub, and estimating the fact 
 upon data admitted by your own creed, will 
 satisfy you that I am not far amiss. Let us 
 calculate. 
 
 " The population of your earth is vari 
 ously computed at from eight to twelve 
 hundred millions. We will take ten hun 
 dred millions as a medium. This number 
 of human beings is swept into eternity and 
 renewed every twenty-five years, and for all 
 these heaven and hell are the only recep 
 tacles.
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 59 
 
 ' A heaven, a hell, and these alone, 
 Beyond the present life are known, 
 There is no middle state.' 
 
 So sang Watts, and Watts was orthodox. 
 Now, what proportion of all these does hell 
 receive? I will not require you to take the 
 true answer to this important question on 
 the mere statement of Shadrach Paddle 
 although of his credibility I have a better 
 opinion than I have of most of your theo 
 logical estimates on this subject but you 
 shall have it, my friend, on the faith of fair 
 arithmetical computation. 
 
 "Of the ten hundred millions, then, who 
 people this globe, only two hundred millions 
 are comprised within Christendom ; the resi 
 due is made up of Jews, Mahomedans and 
 Pagans. Of the number who are nominally 
 Christians, what proportion are really such ? 
 How many, for instance, are born again? 
 for without that qualification they are not 
 eligible to salvation. Is one in thirty thus 
 eligible, Mr. Tub ? Think soberly, take all 
 Christendom Catholic, Protestant, and 
 Greek does one in thirty exhibit evidence
 
 60 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 of being born again ? Nay, not one in sixty 
 even. 
 
 " Nevertheless, "a flpnsidp.rflt.ipn Ul a t. a ]1 
 who die in infancy go to lh ef jyg n ) (flpd ihere- 
 
 forc is it a great picco of good luck thus to 
 
 thirty-second part 
 
 of all Christendong is saved. Six millions 
 and a fourth, out of two hundred millions ! 
 Which leaves for hell's quota, out of the 
 whole Christian portion of mankind, the 
 sum of one hundred and ninety-three mil 
 lions and three fourths every twenty-five 
 years ! At this rate alone, you see, Mr. 
 Tub, hell is peopling much faster than any 
 other country we hear of. 
 
 "Of the remaining eight hundred millions 
 of earth's population, the most of Chris 
 tians now think, and formerly all thought, 
 that not any will be saved. We will take, 
 nevertheless, the opinion of the minority on 
 this head, viz. that salvation is possible to 
 those heathens who improve to the utmost 
 such scanty advantages as they possess. 
 We will take this, I say, although there is 
 much, and weighty orthodox authority 
 against it. For example, looking the other
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 61 
 
 night (for I don't go at large by day) over 
 the shoulder of a pious old lady, who, with 
 spectacles on nose, was reading Saurin's 
 sermons, I saw that that French divine, 
 although a Protestant, and reputed liberal, 
 utterly scouts the modern notion that salva 
 tion is possible to the heathen. 
 
 "'Some, therefore' such are his very 
 words ' to get rid of their difficulty, have 
 widened the gate of heaven, and allow other 
 ways of arriving there besides that whereby 
 we must be saved. Cato, Socrates, and 
 Aristotle, have been mixed with the num 
 ber redeemed to God out of every nation,' 
 &c. So speaks Saurin, and so, to be con 
 sistent with their principles, all orthodox 
 divines must speak. 
 
 "Still, as I am willing in the computa 
 tion before us to be even more than fair, we 
 will allow that one-half the same propor 
 tion get to heaven from without Christen 
 dom as from within it. Then a sixty-fourth 
 part of Jews, Pagans, and Mahomedans, are 
 conceded to be salvable. 
 
 ".A sixty-fourth part oX_eighl_hundred 
 millions is twelve and a half million 
 6
 
 62 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 is^the ratio saved out of these classes every 
 twenty-five yeuJSjj.uid seven hundred and 
 eighty-seven and a half millions are the 
 ratio daniuul. Now sum up the saved and 
 the lost of a single generation out of the 
 wh.ole human race. Heavei s of 
 
 them eighteen millions and-lhroe fourths 
 into the capacious ma\v of hell nine hun- 
 drecT ancl eighty-one millions and a fourth 
 are engulphed ! Hut this is .^caixxly a unit 
 as compared to the grand total -of hull's 
 population. 
 
 " Your world, Mr. Tub, taking the Mo 
 saic history to be true, and following the 
 popular chronology, has subsisted for near 
 six thousand years ; which, divided by 
 twenty-five the estimated period of a gen 
 eration gives two hundred and forty, as 
 the number of the generations of man since 
 time began ; an,d, allowing the relative ratios 
 of the saved and the lost to have been from 
 the first what they now are, then, since 
 time began, the portals of hell have opened 
 to two hundred and forty times nine hun 
 dred and eighty-one and a fourth millions
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 63 
 
 of doomed spirits ! Now you begin to get 
 it, Mr. Tub, but the end is not yet." 
 
 "Mr. Paddle, you astound me!" ex 
 claimed Mr. Tub, in astonishment. 
 
 " Pardon me," replied the goblin, " you 
 have not heard the twentieth part yet. For 
 first, I have been far more liberal on the 
 side of salvation than facts will warrant. I 
 have, for instance, allowed the same propor 
 tion to have gone to heaven before the intro 
 duction of Christianity as since, whereas the 
 whole antediluvian world was swept to hell 
 en. masse, with exceptions scarcely worth 
 considering. 
 
 <: The gates of perdition swung open to 
 their utmost width on that occasion, Mr. 
 Tub, and whilst those several hundred mil 
 lions of spirits were pouring in like a con 
 tinuous flood, the lofty brow of Beelzebub 
 flushed with the proud consciousness of tri 
 umph, in having to so large an extent cir 
 cumvented the plans and purposes of 
 Omnipotence in respect to those numerous 
 offspring of his creative love. 
 
 " Moreover, with one fell sweep the com 
 munities of Sodom and Gomorrah were
 
 64 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 transferred to hell ; so also were the popu 
 lations of Babylon, Idumea, Nineveh, Tyre, 
 Sidon, Capernaum, the first-born of Egypt 
 which perished by the last plague, the host 
 that was engulphed in the Red Sea, the 
 hundreds of thousands who were slain by 
 the Israelites in Canaan, the hundred and 
 eighty thousand of Sennacherib's army, slain 
 in one night by the angel of the Lord, the 
 million and more of Jews slain during the 
 siege of Jerusalem, and so on, and so on. 
 
 "In full ten thousand instances in the 
 progress of time, have numerous masses of 
 souls been thus consigned to the realms of 
 the damned, but the world of bliss, mean 
 while, has received no such accessions. 
 
 " Then, again, there were more than 
 twelve centuries that intervened between the 
 Moslem conquests of the territories in Asia 
 and the south of Europe once overspread 
 with Christianity, and the great Reforma 
 tion under Luther and his co-workers : 
 these are called the ' dark ages,' and dur 
 ing their continuance, so almost total was 
 the depravation of Christendom, that the 
 entire generations of that period, with the
 
 ELDER TRTFTOLEMUS TUB. 65 
 
 exception of here and there an individual, 
 found their way at death to our ungodly 
 abode. 
 
 " I tell you in all seriousness, Mr. Tub, 
 that so numerous have been the immigrations 
 to hell from your earth in all past time, that 
 the Devil has felt encouraged to believe that 
 hi;s triumphs in this way would render use 
 less the schemes of Heaven for human 
 redemption, and cause the expiatory suffer 
 ings of God's Son to prove a fruitless ex 
 penditure" 
 
 " You overwhelmn me, Mr. Paddle ! ! " 
 again interrupted the elder. 
 
 " Patience, my good Triptolemus," re 
 sumed the goblin, "your conceptions are 
 not yet expanded to the hundred millionth 
 part of hell's capacity. We have confined 
 our attention, hitherto, to the accessions to 
 hell's population from earth alone; but re 
 member, there was a numerous lapse of spir 
 its from heaven itself before your time began. 
 Well, subsequent to that in the four-thous 
 andth year of time there was another war 
 in heaven, which resulted in the casting out 
 of a third part of the angels remaining from
 
 66 ADVENTLRES OF 
 
 the former rebellion. In your sacred book 
 (Revelation twelfth) you may find an ac 
 count of this. Now, allowing an equal 
 portion of the celestial host to have been 
 ejected from heaven at the time of the 
 first revolt, that realm must now contain 
 but one-third of its original inhabitants, and, 
 such being the case in regard to that world 
 of reputed perfection, where, as the Omnip 
 otent has his especial abode and his glory 
 is visibly present, one would suppose that 
 the fullest security might be enjoyed how 
 many myriads of myriads think you what 
 hosts upon hosts of immortal intelligences 
 must have fallen at different periods from 
 the innumerable spheres which revolve in 
 
 the infinitude of space?" 
 
 "Hold! Mr. Paddle, hold!" exclaimed 
 the utterly bewildered, Mr. Tub, "I sink 
 beneath the conception : the sun itself, 
 which in all probability is an inhabited 
 sphere, is a million times larger than our 
 earth, and all the stars are held to be suns 
 of at least equal magnitude, and the centres 
 to separate planetary systems. One hun 
 dred millions of these are enumerable by
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 67 
 
 telescopic aid, and who shall affirm that 
 these constitute a millionth part of the uni 
 verse as visible to the eye of God? I must 
 confess, too, that it seems probable that 
 these are all peopled by beings capable of 
 sinning, and if of sinning, then, also, of 
 incurring a sentence to endless pains. Gra 
 cious God ! what then must be the capacity 
 of that world of despair, if it is the sole 
 receptacle for all the outcast spirits of the 
 universe?" 
 
 "What must it be, indeed?" resumed 
 Paddle; "it gives me pleasure, my friend, 
 to find that your conceptions are enlarging 
 correspondently to the magnitude of the 
 subject. Why, the magnitude of hell is 
 such that Archimedes, the Syracusian math 
 ematician, has been engaged in an active 
 survey of it ever since his arrival thither, 
 and I heard him say that more than twenty 
 additional centuries must elapse ere his 
 undertaking shall be completed ; for, unlike 
 the earth, and other planetary bodies, hell 
 is not measurable by astronomical observa 
 tions. The almighty architect of the world 
 of suffering knew full well, from the first,
 
 68 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 for how many myriads of his offspring he 
 was preparing that abode, and he extended 
 its domain accordingly. 
 
 " Homer has described Thebes as having 
 a hundred gates ; hell has more than a hun 
 dred thousand. You will readily believe 
 this, Mr. Tub, when you have duly refl> 
 upon it Consider, in the first place, the 
 astonishing rapidity of the arrivals thither 
 from this world alone. It is computed that 
 human beings die at the rate of one to every 
 second of time. Sixty, therefore, die every 
 minute; three thousand six hundred every 
 hour ; eighty-six thousand four hundred 
 every twenty-four hours! Of these \\< 
 have already computed the proportion tint 
 hell receives. 
 
 "It is a subject for solemn thought, Mr. 
 Tub, that every time your heart throbs, .-it 
 every beat of your pulse an immortal 
 spirit passes to its final doom ! This, from 
 earth alone, mind you. Conceive, now, 
 with what velocity, the gates of woe must 
 swing upon their hinges to admit spirits at 
 this rapid rate! If hell had but a single 
 portal, the arrivals thither from earth alone
 
 ELDER TKIPTOLEMUS TUB. 69 
 
 would keep it opening and shutting with 
 nearly the speed of light. Bethink you, 
 then, how numerous the inlets to hell must 
 necessarily be, to afford ingress to the myri 
 ads on myriads, beyond even angelic com 
 putation, who are constantly thronging into 
 it from the countless worlds which revolve 
 in immeasurable space ! 
 
 "But, furthermore, Mr. Tub, you have 
 oft, no doubt, heard your divines argue that 
 God cannot consistently create rational be 
 ings without making them morally account 
 able. If this be so, it holds, of course, in 
 regard to other worlds as well as to this. 
 Accountability implies a liability to sin, and 
 to fall under condemnation. Now it is a 
 doctrine of the church that angels sinned 
 n nd fell ; if such a catastrophe could happen 
 in heaven, the holiest and most blissful 
 seat of existence, why may it not also in 
 all the other worlds throughout the wide 
 immensity? The bard Milton, indeed, has 
 ventured to represent the Deity himself as 
 teaching to the same effect :
 
 70 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Sufficient to have stood, though free to fall ; 
 Such I created all the ethereal powers 
 And spirits, both them who stood and them who failed. 
 Freely they stood who stood, and fell who fell. 
 Not free, what proof could they have given sinc 
 Of true allegiance, constant faith or love, 
 Where only what they needs must do appeared, 
 Not what they would? What praise could they re 
 ceive! 
 What pleasure I from such obedience paid ? ' 
 
 "It is easy to see, Mr. Tub, that if this 
 reasoning is good in regard to rational exist 
 ences anywhere, it is so everywhere. Our 
 hell is the limbo for convict spirits from 
 heaven, as well as from earth why, then, 
 may it not be such for condemned spirits 
 from all worlds why not, Mr. Tub? I 
 put the case hypothetically, although I am 
 qualified to state it upon my certain knowl 
 edge as a matter of fact ; I preferred, how 
 ever, to satisfy your reason, rather than to 
 rest a point of such consequence on my 
 naked declaration. And if hell is a limbo for 
 the entire universe, then, my friend, can you 
 expand your conceptions to the idea of its 
 magnitude ? Let me assist you. 
 
 " The populations of worlds, Mr. Tub,
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 71 
 
 are, of course, proportionate to their magni 
 tudes. I say of course, because to suppose 
 the contrary would be to impeach the wis 
 dom of the almighty architect. If, then, 
 this globe contains ten hundred miLions of 
 inhabitants, the planet Jupiter, we may 
 suppose, contains eight hundred times, and 
 the sun a million times as many. If spirits 
 pass from those worlds, at the same rapid 
 rate as from ours, and if a proportion from 
 them correspondent to that from our world 
 is damned and why not ? then, you may 
 easily calculate, that from Jupiter rushes a 
 tide of souls into hell at a rate exceeding 
 four thousand, and from the sun at the rate 
 of fifty millions per minute ! 
 
 "Your central luminary, however, vast 
 as it is, is greatly exceeded in magnitude by 
 many other suns in the measureless uni 
 verse, and but I shall only stupefy and 
 overwhelm you, sir, with calculations so far 
 surpassing your limited conceptions. Suf 
 fice it, that enough has been said to sustain 
 my declaration, that this earth, at whose 
 magnitude you were wondering so much, is
 
 72 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 scarcely as big as a hazel-nut in com 
 parison with the vast limbo of the uni 
 verse" 
 
 "I must here decidedly remonstrate," 
 interrupted our elder 
 
 " And, pray, Mr. Tub, what are you a 
 going to remonstrate about now ? " broke in 
 a third party, in a querulous tone, how 
 proved none other than our amiable ac 
 quaintance, Dorothy. " Do you suppose, Mr. 
 Tub, that I am to remain alone for hours 
 in my cold bed, and I suffering with corns 
 and rhewnatiz ? Let me tell you I '11 do no 
 such thing remonstrate or not remon 
 strate." And Dorothy seated herself in her 
 arm-chair by the fire, with the air of one 
 who was bent on indemnifying herself for 
 the discomfort she had experienced in her 
 cold and unsocial couch. 
 
 By the way and I mention it for the 
 benefit of others who may be similarly situ 
 ated hereafter it is a pity Dorothy had not 
 thought of a warming-pan, and a potation 
 of yarb tea; for not only would she have 
 been likely to realize a comfortable degree
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 73 
 
 of assistance therefrom, but we, also, would 
 have been spared the interruption above 
 recorded, and there is no telling what that 
 same may have cost us. 
 
 Meanwhile the elder wondered what could 
 have become of Paddle ; he at first thought 
 that he must be confined, in a compressed 
 state, under the huge bulk of Dorothy, who 
 may have thrown herself into her chair 
 without being aware of the presence of its 
 curious occupant; but he was soon satisfied 
 that such could not be the case. Paddle 
 had certainly made his exit from the apart 
 ment in some way, whether up the chim 
 ney, or, after the manner of fairy queens of 
 old, through the keyhole, it was impossible 
 to divine. 
 
 The elder, at all events, blessed his stars 
 that Dorothy had not seen him, inasmuch 
 as such an event would doubtless have 
 auded hysterics to her chapter of ailments 
 to say nothing of the discredit to the 
 elder's piety from having been found in 
 company so questionable. So, having ad 
 ministered to Dorothy the assistance which 
 every ailing spouse has a right to expect 
 7
 
 74 ADVENTURES OF ELDER TUB. 
 
 from her other hall, and which she, God 
 bless her, is ever so ready to afford to him, 
 Mr. Tub betook himself to his night's 
 repose.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In the midst of Elder Tub's ruminations Paddle reappear- 
 eth, in a fashion beseeming himself and none other He 
 anticipateth the remonstrance which mas about to be entered 
 at the close of the last interview, and fully, and satisfac 
 torily, removeth the grounds thereof. Wherefore it 
 behoveth the reader well to consider this chapter, at he 
 may herein find his onm similar objections to what hath 
 gone before nell and tnly answered. 
 
 THE fourth evening from the date at 
 which this history commences was a cold 
 and blustering one ; Mr. and Mrs. Tub sat 
 cosily by the fire, enjoying the luxury of 
 the warmth and cheer within so sensibly 
 enhanced by contrast with the coldness and 
 dreariness without. " Paddle will be likely 
 to stay at home in hell to-night," muttered 
 the elder, " if thar is half the degree of com 
 fort thar that he reports." 
 
 And the elder and Dorothy instinctively 
 drew nearer the fire, as the wind, which piped 
 its melancholy notes about the angles, and 
 through the broad passage of the mansion,
 
 76 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 brought ever and anon a pattering of sleet 
 against the windows, and caused the wor 
 thy couple to draw self-comforting compar 
 isons between their own condition on that 
 cold night, and the condition of the poor 
 whose hearths were fireless, and whose 
 scanty coverings sufficed not to exclude the 
 unpitying blasts, which are not gifted with 
 the moral sense to temper themselves to the 
 naked and unsheltered. Ah me, the hearts 
 of the rich, in general, have little advan 
 tage to boast over the unpitying blasts iu 
 that respect 
 
 " Yes," mentally ejaculated our hero, as 
 he sat gazing intently at the red coals in the 
 grate, and fancifully forming them into va 
 rious fantastic resemblances; "Paddle will 
 keep housed in his warm quarters to-night, 
 but were he to present himself I should not 
 fail to enforce the remonstrance which Dor 
 othy's untimely appearance prevented me 
 from urging in our last interview. He is 
 doubtless right, however, in regard to the 
 fallibility of all intelligences of all worlds 
 throughout the universe ; for this is the very 
 idea which parson Smearsoul labored to en 
 force in his last Sabbath morning sermon.
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 77 
 
 " c In the case of the angels that kept not 
 their first estate,' said he, 'we have an 
 awful instance that hell is the dread recep 
 tacle of spirits from other and higher spheres 
 in the universe, than ours.' He then in 
 sisted, by way of vindicating the divine 
 conduct in this matter, that God is under a 
 sort of necessity of creating intelligences 
 morally accountable; and if morally account 
 able they may sin, and eternally undo them 
 selves. ' To prevent such a catastrophe by 
 force,' said he, ' would be inconsistent with 
 the eternal principles of his nature, and 
 incompatible with the moral freedom and 
 dignity of his creatures.' 
 
 " Yes, all that was clar enough to my 
 mind. But as to Paddle's estimate of the 
 proportions saved and damned from this 
 world, I don't believe them; perhaps they 
 hold good as to those who have left the 
 earth in past times ; but I have heard the 
 Rev. Mr. Smearsoul make it out clearly, 
 that, in the long run. the saved from earth . 
 shall exceed the damned, by as large a dif 
 ference as thar is between the number of 
 7*
 
 78 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 ference as thar is between the number of 
 convicts in the penitentiaries of a country 
 and the whole residue of its community. 
 This was clarly made out by parson Smear- 
 soul, and tharfore" 
 
 Here the elder stared into the grate 
 rubbed his eyes stared again and again 
 rubbed his eyes. " Can it be," thought he ; 
 "can &, possibly, be? Why no, that grate 
 wouldn't contain the whole person of Pad 
 dle, and yet thar he seems to be, snre 
 enough, perfect in all his form and fea 
 tures." And the elder looked in alarm 
 toward Dorothy, to see if she also was not 
 a witness to the appearance of his strange 
 visitant. But Dorothy's soul was in the 
 realm of Somnus, and little chance there 
 seemed, from the deep trumpet-notes emitted 
 from her nasal organ, that any ordinary 
 occurrence would suffice to disenchant her 
 from the spell of the sleeping god. 
 
 Paddle, meanwhile, sat amid the red 
 
 - with as stoical an indifference to their 
 
 ;I.N is evinced by an Indian warrior to 
 
 ; vi- -eg of torture practised upon him 
 
 by his captors. His countenance wore its 
 
 usually comical leer, and his deep-set optics
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 79 
 
 twinkled with their usually humorous ex 
 pression. 
 
 "He, he! my friend Triptolemus," ex 
 claimed the goblin, "you are marvellously 
 gullible ! All mortals are, for that matter. 
 The devil finds easy work in getting them 
 into his traps ; and the wonder is that the 
 Creator, who professedly is so desirous of 
 their eternal good, should have exposed 
 them to the wiles of a foe who is so capable 
 of outwitting them ! 
 
 "It really, friend Tub, puts my gravity 
 to severe proof to witness the efforts of your 
 theologians at the present day, who, finding 
 that the good old doctrine of endless dam 
 nation is losing its savour among men, and 
 bringing the goodness of God into question, 
 put all their ingenuity on the strain in order 
 to prove that, in the long run, the number 
 of the saved of mankind will immensely 
 exceed that of the damned ! 
 
 " They come at this result by a mar 
 vellously curious process of numeration. 
 ' First,' say they, ' all are saved who die 
 in infancy. Then, all the heathen, Jews, 
 Mahomedans, and so forth, who rightly
 
 80 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 improve their advantages. Then, again, 
 there is by and by to come a millennium 
 a thousand years' reign of Christ on 
 the earth during which everybody is to 
 be righteous. Furthermore, this thousand 
 years may mean' mark, it may mean 
 ' just three hundred and sixty-five thousand 
 years instead of one thousand ! ' For what 
 reason it may so mean does not clearly 
 appear except, perchance, that it is very 
 necessary to the hypothesis. 
 
 "And so, by this hocus pocus process of 
 computation it is made out quite to the 
 satisfaction of those who wish to have it so 
 that the number of the finally saved of 
 mankind will immeasurably exceed that of 
 the lost. How stupidly blind must the herd 
 of believers be presumed to be by the priests 
 who manage their spiritual matters ! 
 
 " Now, Mr. Tub, though a goblin of the 
 lower pit, I am sorry to see your sacred 
 book so poorly interpreted. Suppose, now, 
 we even admit that a millennium is literally 
 to take place though this, by the grep.t 
 majority of Christians, is denied. Suppose, 
 farther, that we admit its duration will be
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 81 
 
 just three hundred and sixty-five times as 
 long as the literal description warrants 
 and that, again, is exceedingly questionable. 
 Nevertheless, with so much granted, it still 
 remains to be proved that everybody will 
 l>e righteous during its continuance. 
 
 " Hear the following quotation, Mr. Tub, 
 and judge how difficult would be their task 
 who should attempt such proof. ' And 
 when the thousand years are expired, Satan 
 shall be loosed front his prison, and shall go 
 out to deceive the nations which are in the 
 four quarters of the earth, Gog and Magog, 
 to gather them together to battle, the number 
 of whom is as the sand of the sea. And 
 they went up on the breadth of the earth, and 
 compassed the camp of the saints about, and 
 the beloved city, and fire came down from 
 heaven and devoured them.' 
 
 "Hence you see, Mr. Tub, that at the 
 termination of this boasted era of Messiah's 
 reign on earth, a multitude equalling the 
 sea-sands in number is to be added to the 
 population of hell. When did that of heaven 
 ever receive such an accession? Those 
 wise heads amongst you, therefore, who are
 
 82 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 so liberal in their calculations on heaven's 
 side, must find some better data therefor 
 than the Bible furnishes, or common sense 
 either. 
 
 " But let us take them, now, on their own 
 principles, Mr. Tub, and see, as respects 
 Mahomedans, Jews, and heathen, to what 
 result we shall fairly come. The Bible 
 itself tells us that no man cometh to the 
 Father except by Christ his is the only 
 name given under heaven among 1 men 
 whereby they must be saved ; and the sacred 
 record expressly adds, neither is there salva 
 tion in any other. Now these divines, Mr. 
 Tub, profess to take this book as their 
 authority. By the way, my friend, it is 
 more read, and better understood, in hell 
 than on earth. That heathens do not in 
 this life come to God by Christ, is certain. 
 That they are not here bora again or, in 
 other words, bora into the kingdom of 
 Christ, is also certain. It is equally so, 
 according to these gentlemen, that there is 
 no change after death. Now, according to 
 these principles, let them get the heathen to 
 heaven if they can. He, he ! Let them sec
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 83 
 
 to it that it is not all a trick of the devil to 
 prevent themselves from getting there. 
 
 "As to infants, we shall not dispute 
 about their all going to paradise when they 
 die ; but I cannot forbear the remark that if 
 God looked to the interests of his kingdom 
 as sharply as the devil does to his, he would 
 cause a great many more to die in infancy 
 than now do all, for example, who, living 
 to maturity, he foresees will ultimately be 
 damned. The devil would thus be de 
 frauded of millions of souls which he now 
 contrives to secure to himself. 
 
 " The elect in your younger days, Mr. 
 Tub, would have scouted as an impious 
 heresy the notion that more will be saved 
 than damned ; it was the essence of their 
 comfort to believe that heaven is a snug 
 little walled city, with jasper gates and 
 streets of gold, where saints and angels 
 shall have nothing to do to all eternity but 
 to sit on great benches and sing psalms. 
 
 " And the company of the place, you may 
 remember, was to be a number c so fixed 
 and definite, as to be incapable of increase 
 or diminution.' Great comfort took the
 
 84 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 saints of that day in singing Watts' metri 
 cal paraphrase of the text concerning the 
 broad and narrow roads. 
 
 ' Broad is the road that leads to death, 
 And thousands flock together there, 
 But wisdom shows a narrow path 
 With here and there a traveller.' 
 
 It was one saved to thousands damned in 
 those good old times, Mr. Tub, but the 
 orthodoxy of the church is now heels upper 
 most. 
 
 " It was then believed that not a Jew, nor 
 a Mahomedan, nor a Pagan, nor an infant, 
 except of elect parents nor then except 
 baptized nor a Socinian, nor a Methodist, 
 nor a Papist, would ever be so fortunate as to 
 get to heaven. But of late, either heaven 
 has grown more capacious, or the terms of 
 admission have got to be more easy, or the 
 gate-keeper has become remiss in examin 
 ing the passports ; for by a late census of 
 the place your wise-headed divines have 
 ascertained that its population outnumbers 
 that of hell, by as much as that of the hon 
 est portion of a community does that of the 
 convict portion in its penitentiaries !
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 86 
 
 "Ze, he! At this rate, Mr. Tub, we 
 nail all be in heaven by-and-by, the devil 
 limself will be saved, and the great bonfire 
 put out, which, at the expense of so much 
 sulphur, has been kept burning so long for 
 the accommodation of wicked and heretical 
 spirits. Only keep on improving your the 
 ology, and that will be the upshot of it 
 some day. 
 
 " And this reminds me, Mr. Tub, that of 
 late years some queer geniuses have arrived 
 amongst us, who, when on earth, used to 
 explain texts of holy writ which speak of 
 hell, everlasting fire, &c., as pertaining only 
 to severe temporal punishments, and as 
 having no reference to a condition of misery 
 beyond death. They also used to insist 
 that righteousness is eventually to become 
 universal, in all states of existence, and that 
 union, love, and happiness, will prevail 
 throughout the universe. These queer per 
 sonages were for taking everybody to heaven 
 eventually, and really, Mr. Tub, their the 
 ory, though, of course, heretical, is pleas 
 ing, plausible, and hangs remarkably well 
 together. 
 
 8
 
 86 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 " He, he! they are all of them damned 
 for the heresy as fast as they leave the 
 world, and little good will does the devil 
 owe them for predicting his own final over 
 throw, and for having denied his very exist 
 ence among men. Nevertheless, they come 
 to our place with good, loving dispositions, 
 which their heresy is well adapted to inspire, 
 and they make, on the whole, a very cor 
 rect and orderly class of citizens ; for they 
 still adhere to the notion that well-doing' 
 secures well-being'; nor can they, even in 
 hell, be divested of the notion that God is 
 too good to permit any evil, out of which 
 good shall not ultimately arise ; and conse 
 quently, they persist in expecting a happy 
 termination to the sufferings in hell, both of 
 themselves and all others. Now that, Mr. 
 Tub, I call a good, liberal, and neighborly 
 sort of faith ; when they are saved, all will 
 be. That should put to shame your nar 
 row, Calvinistic ejaculations ' Lord, make 
 me one of those heres and theres ! ' How 
 ever, the devil don't like it, and is at as 
 much pains to prevent its spreading in hell,
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 87 
 
 as the priests are to obstruct its diffusion on 
 earth." 
 
 I take it not on me to say how long Pad 
 dle would have kept his tongue running 
 if no interruption had occurred, for there 
 seemed no end to his subject-matter ; but 
 Dorothy's organs pealed forth so stentorian 
 a note at this stage of the interview that it 
 aroused her out of her sleep, and her rhu- 
 matiz at the same time giving her an extra 
 twitch, it was clear enough to the elder that 
 no further communications could take place 
 for that evening in which his amiable help 
 meet should not be a party. 
 
 The elder naturally turned an anxious 
 glance at the grate, to see if it still contained 
 his singular visitant. There he still seemed 
 to be ! There was his outline his coun 
 tenance his grinning features his leering 
 eyes! Did Dorothy see him? She, too, 
 was looking straight into the fire ; yet her 
 entire composure made it evident that the 
 goblin was not visible to her ! 
 
 How was it? Did Mr. Tub's eyes deceive 
 him? To test that point he took up the 
 poker, and carefully at first, lest he might
 
 88 ADVKNTURES OF 
 
 seem to PadoOc to be making 6. personal 
 attack on hia- ne began to stir the coals. 
 To his gie^ astonishment nothing was 
 there, but a fanciful outline which the 
 elder's imagination had been all along re 
 garding as the actual presence of his gob 
 lin acquaintance! "It's clar enough to 
 me now," mentally exclaimed the puzzled 
 elder, " that I am bewitched thar can be 
 no mistake about it." 
 
 So thinks the author of this history, also 
 nay, he is sure of it, and equally so that 
 the reader hereof will be of the same per 
 suasion. It is an easy thing for one to 
 form in a fire of coals in a certain condi 
 tion whatever fantastic forms one pleases ; 
 and having fancied a human figure to be 
 there, it is easy to conceive it as speaking, 
 and to frame language for it, answerable to 
 the ideas we may conceive of its character. 
 
 All this, the *eader knows, is easy ; I 
 say not that such were really the facts in 
 the ejder's case; I merely furnish the philo 
 sophical key, and with it the reader may 
 unlock the mystery as liketh him best.
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Wherein the philosophic Paddle doth marvellously enlighten 
 our elder in regard to the devil and other sacred subjects. 
 He also taketh unseemly liberties rvith what divers godly 
 persons have set forth on the same heads, nhereupon it 
 mould appear if the thing mere credible that even godly 
 men may sometimes be mistaken. Moreover, Paddle ex- 
 poundeth certain opinions mhich are current in the infer~ 
 nal world, and rtasoneth thereupon in a nay rohich mill n& 
 fail to edify the unprejudiced reader. 
 
 OVER against the elder's farm there is a 
 range of hills on the Ohio side, between 
 which and the river-bank runs a narrow 
 and irregular strip of lower ground not 
 entirely level which is in part of alluvial 
 formation, and in part formed of the soil that 
 the rains have washed down those steep de 
 clivities. On that narrow esplanade our elder 
 arrived on the fifth evening of our narrative, 
 just as the twilight was deepening into 
 darkness, and the forms and colors of ob 
 jects were becoming dim and indistinct. 
 8*
 
 00 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 " Halloo the skiff ! " bawled the elder 
 
 lt Be sharp there, Cesar, and hurry over." 
 
 "Dc skiff no yere, marsa," hallood Cesar 
 in return. " Missus went over to de island 
 wivit, to take tea wiv missus Strawbottom, 
 and she no corned home yet 'spec Sambo 
 yere wiv her ebery minute." 
 
 " D " The elder was on the point oi 
 
 swearing, but he did not; it is with great 
 pleasure that I record the fact of his for 
 bearance. Truth is and I state it here as 
 an illustration of the vast utility of being 
 born again as the elder was on the point 
 of venting a bad word, it occurred to him 
 that, being a Christian elder, it would be 
 decidedly unbecoming; and, besides, how 
 near at hand the devil might be to overhear 
 him, he knew not for, for some reason, we 
 are apt to be more apprehensive on that 
 score in the darkness than in the light. So 
 our elder suffered his impatience to expend 
 itself in thinking the word to which he had 
 piously refrained from giving expression. 
 
 "fe, he!" tittered Shadrach Paddle, 
 who just then became visible seated at his 
 ease on the sward with his back against
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 91 
 
 a stump. "It is a great virtue to take 
 tilings coolly, elder Tub ; I used to teach the 
 same doctrine when alive, to my good friend 
 Epaphroditus, your father, who was of a 
 choleric turn, as you also seem to be. Per 
 sons of that temper, Mr. Tub, don't usually 
 make very good saints they need to be too 
 often converted over again, and that, you 
 know, involves quite a waste of grace. 
 
 ' Now I repent and sin again ; 
 Now I revive, and now I 'm slain.' 
 
 So sings one of them, and he was but a type 
 
 of a large tribe of saints" 
 
 "Mr. Paddle," interrupted the elder, in a 
 tone of some alarm. " I fear your several 
 visits to me are for no good; the thoughts 
 you have already put into my head would 
 materially injure my standing in the church 
 if I should give utterance to them. There 
 is scarcely anything of which I could be 
 guilty, indeed not even swearing, lying, or 
 cheating a customer that will so jeopardize 
 my church standing as the sin of heresy. I 
 have just returned from a visit to deacon 
 Splawfoot, who is a very particular friend
 
 92 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 of mine, as I supply my stock of liquors 
 from his distillery. I told him in confidence 
 of your several visits to me, and he gave it 
 as his decided opinion that you are the 
 devil. ' For the devil,' said he, ' can assume 
 any form that best suits his purpose, from 
 that of a sneke (as in Eden) to that of an 
 angel of light,' " 
 
 " Pooh, pooh ! " broke in the goblin, ris 
 ing from the sward and seating himself on 
 the stump against which he had been prop 
 ping his back, while the elder, at his motion, 
 seated himself on another near at hand. 
 " It 's little your deacon Strawbottom knows 
 about these things, Mr. Tub, for the devil 
 has no need to be in the premises where a 
 still-house is doing his work without him. 
 You are compelled to await the arrival of 
 the skiff, Mr. Tub, and. you cannot more 
 profitably employ the interval than in listen 
 ing to your father's old chum, Shadrach 
 Paddle. 
 
 "He, he!" tittered the goblin in continu 
 ation, after indulging for a few moments in 
 silent mirthfulness. " It is a prodigious 
 pity, Mr. Tub, that your wise divines have
 
 ELDER TR1PTOLEMUS TUB. 93 
 
 not settled it in ecclesiastical council whe 
 ther the devil be black, white, or gray; 
 whether he is ox-hoofed, or ass-hoofed ; con 
 fined, or at large ; and many other particu 
 lars about which opinion is strangely contra 
 dictory. Some awkward incongruities arise 
 among mortals from the lack of accurate 
 information on these points. 
 
 " Your English devil, for instance, is 
 cloven-footed, and however well he may 
 disguise the other parts of his person, he 
 cannot, it seems, conceal the parted hoof. 
 Now the Dutch, on the contrary, ascribe to 
 their devil a hoof like a horse. According 
 to the former representation, he is an eata 
 ble animal by the provisions of the Mosaic 
 statutes allowing he also chews the cud ; 
 whereas according to the latter he is included 
 amongst unclean beasts. He, he! Your 
 parsons must see to it, Mr. Tub, that their 
 people are kept right in regard to the devil ; 
 he will otherwise fade from human faith as 
 ghosts, witches, fairies, ogres, and the like 
 already have in a large portion of Christen 
 dom. 
 
 "Even now, Mr. Tub, your saints are
 
 94 4DVENTURES OF 
 
 'ess wise in regard to the devil than they 
 used to be half a century ago ; neither are 
 they as much dogged through life by him as 
 were the saints of former times. Poor souls, 
 they had little peace of their lives for the 
 devil; and he, he! in spite of all the aid 
 they could get from God and his Spirit, and 
 their fellow saints, he oft tripped up their 
 feet, and gave them such a souse into the 
 slough of iniquity that it cost a large expen 
 diture of heavenly grace to restore them to 
 a decent degree of cleanliness. However, 
 they took large comfort in thinking that the 
 more numerous their conflicts with the 
 devil the greater was their sanctity ; hence, 
 in their autobiographies you find marvellous 
 records of their feats in that way. 
 
 " They all the while held, nevertheless 
 and that illustrates how well the different 
 parts of a pure, evangelic faith hang toge 
 ther that Satan is closely confined in hell, 
 and unable, by his utmost exertions, to ex 
 tricate himself from his fiery prison. Hence 
 they say in one of their hymns :
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 96 
 
 ' There Satan, the first sinner, lies, 
 And roars, and bites his iron bands, 
 
 In vain the rebel strives to rise, 
 Crushed with the weight of both thy bands.' 
 
 As if the Almighty he, he ! unable to 
 hold the devil down in the fire with one 
 hand, must needs employ two for the pur 
 pose! 
 
 " Truth is though, Mr. Tub, the devil is 
 entitled to heavy damages for defamation 
 from that tribe of gentlemen, for they assail 
 his character with unscrupulous license ; 
 Clarke, the commentator, for instance, as 
 serts that it was probably he who raised the 
 tempest about the vessel in which Messiah 
 and his disciples were sailing, with the pur 
 pose of sinking the whole concern together, 
 and thus quashing the gospel scheme in its 
 beginning ! A most shrewd design no doubt; 
 but it supposes the devil a greater fool than 
 he has been taken for, to hope any advan 
 tage to his cause from a tempest which he 
 knew Messiah had ample power to calm! 
 For a knave the devil is known all the 
 world over ; but nobody mistrusts him for a 
 fool.
 
 96 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 " He, he ! not by any means. For con 
 sider, Mr. Tub, how shrewdly he contrived 
 to get our first mother to eat the interdicted 
 apple 
 
 ' whose mortal taste 
 
 Brought death into the world, with all our woes ;' 
 
 as the bard Milton has it. He, he ! apples 
 must have been scarce in those days, and 
 souls very cheap ; since one of the former 
 cost the endless damnation of so many my 
 riads of the latter. And what goes farther 
 to illustrate Satan's tact in the affair is, that 
 according to the poet aforenamed, it was to 
 supply the gap in heaven's population occa 
 sioned by the rebellion and banishment of 
 the rebel angels, that the race of man was 
 created ! And yet Satan has contrived to 
 profit a million times more largely by it 
 
 than has the Creator himself ! " 
 
 " Forbear, Mr. Paddle ! forbear ! " interpos 
 ed the elder, rising from his seat on the stump 
 with the energy of his indignant astonish 
 ment. " The most sacred and solemn truths 
 of our religion cease to appear such, so soon 
 aSxthey arc touched by the scathing bolts of 
 your sarcasm. My belief in these awful
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMTJS TUB. 97 
 
 mysteries, Mr. Paddle, is feeble at best ; and 
 if I listen to you longer I shall be a heretic 
 outright, which would be much against my 
 interests, seeing that it would lose me the 
 countenance and custom of all the evangel 
 ical Christians in the neighborhood, and 
 they are a large majority" 
 
 "Be composed, my good Mr. Tub, and 
 fear nothing from your father's old friend," 
 answered the goblin ; "and as to heresy upon 
 these points, why, keep it to yourself as 
 others do such is now the fashion of the 
 times. The faith of this day has a less 
 capacious gullet in the strictest believers 
 than had the faith of former times ; the lat 
 ter swallowed whatever was given to it 
 under the stamp of orthodoxy, however 
 huge ; it would not have choked in the effort 
 to believe that Jonah swallowed a whale. 
 Not it; for had the impossibility of the 
 thing been demonstrated, its certain recourse 
 would have been to spiritualize the whale, 
 and take the story down in that shape. 
 
 " Even your parson Smearsoul's faith, 
 Mr. Tub, is troubled with the difficulty of 
 swallow which is now so generally preva- 
 9
 
 98 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 lent He was reading Benson's Commen 
 tary a few days since on the text, " If I make 
 my bed in hell, thence also shall thy hand 
 lead me, and thy right hand shall guide me.' 
 The commentator maintains from hence 
 that God is present in hell for a two-fold 
 purpose. First, to blow up its fires to their 
 utmost intensity ; and secondly, to quicken 
 the sensibilities of the damned, in order that 
 they may be keenly alive to the tortures of 
 that fiery lake ! 
 
 "Satan was at the parson's elbow at that 
 moment, and he whispered him, ' There 's 
 for you, parson Smearsoul ; there 's a picture 
 of the Deity by one of his own saints. 
 Would you know it from a picture of the 
 devil?' 
 
 " The good man started up lodged his 
 pen on his ear strided to and fro across his 
 study and wrestled desperately with heret 
 ical surmises for a few minutes. ' How 
 ever,' concluded he at length, ' my province 
 is to preach these doctrines, true or false ; it 
 is by that craft I have my living ; orthodoxy, 
 1 find to comport vastly with my personal 
 comfort ; whereas to be a heretic would lose
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 99 
 
 me the affection and fleece of my flock so 
 soon as it should be discovered.' 
 
 "And so he resumed his seat with a res 
 olute determination to believe everything 
 contained in his evangelical authorities, be 
 it what it would. There 's a lesson in the 
 science of credulity for you, Mr. Tub ; fol 
 low it, and you are sure to be on the major 
 side in faith on all subjects. 
 
 "Well, heresy is on the increase, Mr. 
 Tub, even in hell ; we have of late, numer 
 ous arrivals of the class of Christians afore 
 described, whose error consisted in sup 
 posing that God is good enough to take care 
 of all the souls he has made. The rogues 
 have the audacity to back up their notion 
 with a strong force of Scripture testimony. 
 Even after their arrival among us they still 
 persist in their heresy for there is, you 
 know, no change after death and they 
 insist that hell will be destroyed in due 
 time ; all heresies cease ; sin, suffering, the 
 devil, and all other bad things be brought 
 to an end; and all souls be brought to 
 a happy and harmonious house-keeping 
 together, with God, and his Son, and angels, 
 in heaven forever and ever.
 
 100 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 " The thing sounds very well, Mr. Tub- 
 does it not? Why they should be sent to 
 hell for entertaining such pleasant opinions 
 seems strange ; but, it seems, from all that 
 priests tell us, that the Deity has a dreadful 
 spite against those who mistake their creed. 
 And this accounts why holy men on earth 
 have made so many bonfires for the accom 
 modation of the same class it was but 
 affording them a foretaste of the comforts 
 of the great bonfire below and who shall 
 deny to the saints the prerogative of imi 
 tating their God? They have been born 
 again, you know, and like father like chil 
 dren. 
 
 " Now, we have in hell some very ancient 
 religionists, known on earth as Manicheans, 
 whose creed strikingly resembled what is 
 now a pure evangelical faith, so far, at 
 least, as respects the origin and endless con 
 tinuance of good and evil. This sect once 
 flourished extensively over the south-west 
 ern portion of Asia. Their personified Prin 
 ciple of Evil, the origin of darkness, misery, 
 death, and so on, corresponds closely to 
 the devil of the popular Christian creed.
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 101 
 
 And their Good Principle the originator of 
 light, and purity, and all approvable things, 
 was as powerless against his antagonist, as 
 is Jehovah against the devil. Consequently, 
 they held as evangelic Christians do that 
 evil shall be as eternal in its duration as 
 good. 
 
 "But, then, on the part of the Mani- 
 cheans there was more consistency in so 
 holding, for, as these opposing principles 
 were equal, it was not to be expected that 
 the one should ever be able to overcome the 
 other; whereas, on the part of evangelic 
 Christians, Jehovah is held to be infinite 
 anct the devil to be finite. Yet the latter, 
 and his works, shall eternally coendure 
 with the former, and the unoriginated prin 
 ciples of his moral nature ! He, he ! the 
 faith that swallows these beautiful con 
 sistencies without choking, deserves, sure 
 enough, to be rewarded with the privilege 
 of singing psalms to all eternity. 
 
 " Well, we have grand debates on these 
 
 several subjects in hell, Mr. Tub. Of our 
 
 powers in that way you have a sample in 
 
 the ' Paradise Lost,' of Milton ; who farther 
 
 9*
 
 102 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 informs you that after the breaking up of 
 the great council, in which they debated 
 the question of peace or war with the Deity ; 
 some of the rebel angels betook themselves 
 to one employment, and some to another. 
 
 ' Others, apart, sat on a hill retired, 
 In thoughts more elevate, and reasoned high 
 Of providence, foreknowledge, will, and fate.' 
 
 And we have plenty of the masters of logic 
 there, Mr. Tub; Aristotle, with his sylo- 
 gisms ; the author of the Socratian method 
 also, as well as our American sage who was 
 such an adept therein. Then we have the 
 
 Academicians, the Sophists, the" ' 
 
 "Marsa de skiff coming!" rang out at 
 this moment on the silent evening air, and 
 bounded in echoes from hill to hill. The 
 elder sprang up gladly at the sound, and as 
 he did so he found that the neighboring 
 stump also had been suddenly deserted by 
 its occupant. To that which he had occu 
 pied he found, by feeling, that some warmth 
 had been communicated by his body ; but 
 on that which had supported the goblin the 
 evening dew lay moist and cold.
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 103 
 
 " Paddle cannot possibly have been seated 
 thar all this time," muttered the 'elder; 
 "the night-dew could not have fallen thar 
 through his person at this rate the thing is 
 
 clarly impossible, and Well Cesar, you 
 
 are here are you 7 Very well ; hurry over 
 now, for I am chilled and want my sup 
 per." 
 
 So ended the affair of the fifth evening; 
 the reader is left to form his own free opin 
 ion about it ; and he is quite as capable of 
 doing so, it is hoped, as is his humble ser 
 vant, the narrator.
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 *aJdie's last visit, wherein he assimeth, with a sort of 
 Duirh-unde freedom, to be niter in regard to the meant 
 and chances of salvation, than are ei'.n pious mimstrrx 
 rrhose trade it is to be so. He also indulgtth an impious 
 license of remark on many mysterious matters connected 
 with the popular farm of Christianity, for the rchith he 
 will not be likely to obtain credit with the godly readr* 
 Nevertheless, it IPOS deemed Jit ting that the same should be 
 recorded, since it illustrattth the sophistries rvith which 
 Satan is wont to assail pious ears, in order to the shaking 
 of their faith in the mysteries of their holy religion. The 
 elder confesseth a leaning to heresy, in the private ears of 
 tus spouse Dorothy, and this leadeth to (\ satisfactory clear' 
 tng up of the matter of Paddle 's appearances. 
 
 " AHEM ! Out late this evening, Mr. Tub 
 hope you've profited by the wholesome 
 communications of your friend Paddle, for 
 you are to be favored with no more of them 
 after to-night You must therefore 'give 
 the more earnest heed to the things you 
 have heard, lest at any time you should let 
 them slip;' these things, Mr. Tub, will 
 make you ' wise unto' but no matter what
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 105 
 
 I marvellously incline to be scriptural 
 to-night a natural result of my serious 
 habits, no doubt." 
 
 Thus was our elder addressed on his way 
 from church one misty evening, whither he 
 had been for several successive preceding 
 days and nights to hear the Rev. Asaph 
 Spume, who had worked up quite a revival 
 in Parson Smearsoul's church. Now this 
 the Rev. Asaph aforesaid could do in any 
 church whatever, for he had the remarkable 
 faculty of taking the Holy Ghost with him 
 to wheresoever he had contracted to get up 
 a revival. Parson Smearsoul had not such 
 faculty ; he had therefore engaged his rever 
 end brother Spume to do the thing for him 
 which was very proper, of course. 
 
 On the evening aforesaid a chilly mist 
 was falling, through which the moonbeams 
 struggled with a faint and sickly light, 
 which barely enabled our hero to perceive 
 that the incorrigible Paddle was at his side, 
 and mounted on a horse which, whether 
 he quickened his gait or retarded it, kept 
 exactly even pace with his own. 
 
 " Mr. Paddle," said the elder, " I would
 
 106 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 not like the comfortable frame of my mind 
 disturbed at present by the matters to which 
 you allude : I have been listening to a most 
 edifying discourse about the devil, and his 
 various devices for entrapping newly con 
 verted souls, of which several have been 
 added to the church during this gracious 
 outpouring. That precious man, the Rev. 
 Asaph Spume, is remarkably acquainted 
 with the numerous tricks and stratagems of 
 
 Satan" 
 
 "And reason good," interrupted Paddle; 
 "the godly man has much connexion with 
 him, and is often caught in his net. And 
 suppose you. Mr. Tub, that the devil was 
 not present whilst he was thus preached 
 about? Let me tell you, the sermon had no 
 auditor more wakefully attentive thereto 
 than was he; and the chances are many 
 that he whispered in the preacher's ear at 
 the close, ' What a splendid sermon ! 
 Everybody must have admired it. See how 
 the eyes of those fair sisters are sparkling 
 on you with admiration ! Such talents 
 must win you favor everywhere, and bring 
 you so much into requisition that you may
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 107 
 
 assure yourself of plenty of honor and emol 
 ument.' 
 
 " For the devil being a free commoner all 
 over creation, Mr. Tub, is always at hand 
 where, and when, he conceives his services 
 to be most necessary. That he is an old 
 and regular church-goer you may learn 
 from the sacred oracles ; for as long ago as 
 in Job's day, ' when the sons of God came 
 up to present themselves before the Lord, 
 .Satan came also amongst them.' Hence, a 
 quaint old couplet saith most truly, that 
 
 ' There 's nowhere found a house of prayer, 
 But Satan hath an altar there.' 
 
 Your old divines were all well aware of 
 this : hence, when Whitefield was once 
 informed that he had preached a very able 
 sermon, he replied that the devil had so 
 informed him before he came out of the pul 
 pit. So you see, Mr.' Tub, that the devil 
 was very probably present while brother 
 Spume was so dexterously exposing his arts 
 to your people." 
 
 Paddle paused, and the two continued to 
 jog along side by side in silence for half a
 
 108 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 mile or so, when the elder, remembering the 
 direction of Mr. Spume, that when the devil 
 comes with his evil suggestions it is best to 
 ejaculate short prayers, or to sing a verse or 
 two of some solemn hymn, broke forth into 
 the following fragmentary stanzas : 
 
 " Dangers stand thick thro' all the ground 
 
 To push us to the tomb, 
 And fierce diseases wait around 
 To hurry mortals home. 
 
 Great God, on what a slender thread 
 
 Hang everlasting things ! 
 Th' eternal states of all the dead 
 
 Upon life's feeble strings. 
 
 Infinite joy, or endless woe, 
 Depends on every breath, 
 And yet" 
 
 " Hold up awhile, Mr. Tub," broke in the 
 goblin, "and allow me to ask, who hung 
 those everlasting things on that slender 
 thread? The Creator himself, of course, and 
 of course, too, he knew how slender the thread 
 was, and how momentous were the interests 
 dependent on it! Surely, then, he must 
 have held those interests very cheaply to
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TDB. 109 
 
 nave suspended them upon a contingence so 
 brittle ! He, he! Mr. Tub, this is another 
 of those views of God afforded by your 
 evangelical creeds, which make Satan him 
 self to look amiable in the comparison. 
 
 "//e, he! infinite things dependent on a 
 breath ! I should like to know, my good 
 friend Tub, what thoughts Shadrach Pad 
 dle could put into your head that could 
 make you think worse of God than that 
 comes to. Nevertheless, so teaches your 
 creed, Mr. Tub, and the creed is true of 
 course ; it is the creed we most like in hell 
 it pictures forth God agreeably to our no 
 tions, and as before hinted the devil has 
 no sort of liking for the heretics who hold 
 that he and his realm are to be finally abol 
 ished all evil made subservient to event 
 ual good, and the whole universe to be 
 come holy and happy. No, Mr. Tub, this 
 heresy finds no favor with Satan at all ; and 
 he would no doubt deal rigorously with 
 those of his subjects who hold to it, were 
 it not that God's saints have practised 
 persecution on earth to such an extent that 
 the devil has become disgusted at it. 
 10
 
 110 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 ' Infinite joy or endless woe, 
 Depends on every breath.' 
 
 So they do, Mr. Tub, sure enough : how 
 many, for instance, now in heaven, owe 
 their being there to the lucky accident of 
 their having died in infancy ; and how 
 many in hell would have been in the other 
 country, too, if they had been equally for 
 tunate. The merest accident in the world 
 decides the momentous alternative 
 
 ' A point of time a moment's space, 
 Removes us to that heavenly place, 
 Or shuts us up in hell.' 
 
 Your humble servant, Shadrach Paddle, 
 thinks, that if he had been at the trouble of 
 making immortal beings, he would have 
 taken better care of them than to stake their 
 weal or woe forever upon such slender 
 chances; more especially if, in addition to 
 creating, he had been also at the trouble and 
 expense of redeeming them. 
 
 "And, then, moreover, don't you think it 
 is bad economy in mortals, also, Mr. Tub, 
 to be at such large pains and cost to rear 
 their children to man and womanhood, at
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. Hi 
 
 the risk of their going to the devil at last, 
 when, should they die in infancy, they are 
 sure of going straight to heavenly bliss 1 
 He, he! The devil profits hugely by the 
 indifference of the Creator in this matter on 
 the one hand, and the folly of parents on 
 the other" 
 
 "Mr. Paddle, I can't allow that," inter 
 rupted elder Tub. " Your ridicule, I 
 acknowledge, applies mighty well against 
 Arminians ; because, according to them, God 
 has left everything at loose ends all is 
 mighty uncertain in thar system, I confess. 
 But I believe, Mr. Paddle, in a 'covenant 
 ordered in all things and sure ;' the children 
 of the elect are sanctified in thar believing 
 parents; thar 's no Arminian chance about 
 it, Mr. Paddle ; ' God, from all eternity, fore 
 ordains' " 
 
 "Pooh, pooh! elder Tub;" broke in the 
 goblin, " I am not agoing to bandy argu 
 ments with you on election and reprobation ; 
 I speak what I know when I assert, that 
 the merest chance imaginable makes the 
 scale, in each individual's case, to prepon 
 derate for endless glory or endless flames.
 
 112 ADVENTURES OP 
 
 Why, I could cite you facts without num 
 ber to this point. Take one as a sample ; 
 to which your father was personally know 
 ing, as well as myself, for it occurred in the 
 part of Old Virginia whence we both came. 
 " Toby Tibbins was convicted of being a 
 tory spy, and sentenced to be hung as such. 
 Well, Toby turned to and got religion, for 
 he thought it would be a hard case to be 
 damned as well as hung. He therefore, 
 with the help of the several parsons there 
 about, got his spiritual affairs in good and 
 safe trim. The fellow had a melodious 
 voice, and when I visited him in prison I 
 thought it doubtful if Gabriel himself could 
 beat him far in psalm-singing. Unluck 
 ily for his .soul, however though a comfort 
 able thing enough for his neck he was 
 pardoned under the gallows, in considera 
 tion of some useful service he had rendered 
 to our army in a particular case. Toby, 
 who has been long in hell with us, has often 
 told your father and me that, but for that 
 pardon, the devil would certainly have been 
 one soul out of pocket ; for he had got safely
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 113 
 
 through being born again, and had obtained 
 his ticket for heaven. 
 
 " Take another : Obadiah Snubs had a 
 natural turn for religion ; he was soundly 
 converted several different times; but his 
 misfortune was that his nose was set too far 
 on one side of his face, and that same nose 
 was a serious hindrance to his soul's salva 
 tion, for it involved him in constant broils. 
 Well, Obadiah moved at length to this 
 western district, (then a wilderness,) where 
 he hoped to escape the ridicule to which his 
 nasal organ had subjected him east of the 
 mountains. So he squatted in a cabin near 
 Grave Creek ; in which retirement he man 
 aged to keep his soul's affairs in a safe con 
 dition for some time ; but, having occasion to 
 go to Fort Wheeling one day to buy stores, 
 a fellow there took the liberty to make invi 
 dious remarks on the awry posture of his 
 unfortunate proboscis; which so enraged 
 poor Obadiah, that forgetting that he was 
 converted, and all that he drew his knife 
 on his tormentor, and was killed in the 
 quarrel. Now, Mr. Tub, would not Oba- 
 10*
 
 114 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 diah Snubs have been now in heaven but for 
 that luckless nose ? 
 
 " You have been having a protracted meet 
 ing in your church. The devil, mind you, 
 was a regular attendant thereat. You wit 
 nessed the ghostly gloom with which holy 
 men clothe their countenances for the occa 
 sion you have seen how, with upturned 
 eyes, and sepulchral whispers, and pantomi 
 mic gestures, they have labored to strike awe 
 into weak minds, and produce the impres 
 sion that God is there and at work. You 
 might also hear the timid heart beating with 
 vibrations of terror, in the bosoms of the 
 more credulous and susceptible among the 
 auditors; and as with stealthy step the aisles 
 are paced to and fro by the crafty agents in 
 the business, one terror-stricken female after 
 another is induced to go up and occupy the 
 1 anxious benches.' 
 
 " Now mark you, my friend the whole 
 work is God's the Almighty God's and 
 the salvation of immortal souls is its sole 
 end. But he, he! can you doubt that 
 the least ludicrous incident such as a pig 
 squeaking in at one of the windows, or a
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 115 
 
 monkey grinning over the breastwork of the 
 pulpit would convert the whole business 
 into a broad farce, and defeat heaven of a 
 score or two of souls ? He. he ! Well, 
 indeed, might the afore-quoted balladist ex 
 claim 
 
 ' On what a slender thread 
 
 Hang everlasting things.' 
 
 I must repeat, elder Tub, that if I had been 
 at the trouble of creating such things, I 
 should have hung them over hell less slen 
 derly, except I held them in so cheap an 
 estimation that it would little concern me 
 whether they were saved or damned. 
 
 " Yes, elder Tub, say what you will, the 
 merest accident determines the fate of the 
 soul forever. Why, even I Shadrach Pad 
 dle graceless as I may now seem, came 
 very near being born again at one time ; I 
 should have made it out, I believe, but that 
 the devil, finding that I had a strong nat 
 ural turn for whatever was comical, took 
 care to put funny thoughts into my head 
 when I was saying my prayers ; and that, 
 of course, spoiled the whole proceeding. 
 
 " Among our lecturers in hell, we have,
 
 116 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 recently, some odd geniuses, whose custom 
 it is to visit graves and take casts of skulls. 
 On these they theorize as to the characters, 
 mental and moral, of the individuals to 
 whom, in life, they belonged ; and it is amaz 
 ing with what nice discrimination they 
 analyze and define the mental and moral 
 powers, and exhibit the influence exerted 
 upon each individual's destiny by his pecu 
 liar cranial conformation. 
 
 " For example, an acquaintance of mine 
 on earth, now in hell, was remarkably pious 
 for the first forty years of his life; my inti 
 macy with him fully convinced me that his 
 piety was sincere. Nevertheless, and much 
 to my surprise, he came to hell at death, hav 
 ing lived a sinner for a year and a half pre 
 vious thereto. The- devil got great credit in 
 hell for his supposed adroitness in thus up 
 setting, in relation to that individual, the 
 whole work of the Holy Spirit for forty 
 years. It happened, however, that one of 
 the geniutes afore-meniioned visited the 
 fellow's grave, and took a cast of his skull, 
 from whence he made it clearly to appear, 
 that the sudden loss of his religion had been
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 117 
 
 occasioned by the accident of a blow on the 
 head from a falling brick, which had com 
 pletely depressed his organ of veneration. 
 Thus was the mystery explained ; for the 
 religious sentiment is known to be feeble 
 where that organ is deficient. 
 
 " Nor are you even sure of remaining in 
 heaven, Mr. Tub, after you have safely run 
 all the hazards of getting there. If, as the 
 hymn has it 
 
 ' From heaven the sinning angels fell,' 
 what hinders that sinning saints may be 
 tumbling from there, too? You are free 
 agents here, and, you know, there is no 
 change after death. Now such a fall would 
 not be much to your comfort, Mr. Tub ; if 
 Milton be correct, it requires 
 
 ' Nine times the space that measures day and night 
 To mortal man,' 
 
 to get over the distance between the two 
 countries, and that is an inconveniently 
 long time to be tumbling, to say nothing of 
 the uncomfortable change of climate expe 
 rienced at the end of it" 
 
 " But the Rev. Mr. Smearsoul says," put 
 in the elder, " that thar 's no more possibility
 
 118 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 of sinning, after we have served out our 
 probation" 
 
 " I care not," retorted Paddle, "what your 
 parson Smearsoul says ; he knows nothing 
 about it. Then, as infants serve no proba 
 tion here, they must serve it hereafter, prob 
 ably. Moreover, as some die pious at an 
 early age, and go to heaven, while others 
 serve God for scores of years, before they die ; 
 either the former must serve their probation 
 faster, or, dying ere it is closed, finish it in 
 heaven; or the latter must close it before 
 they die, and what they do after is over 
 work! 
 
 " Truth is, Mr. Tub, your theology is all 
 in a snarl it is an inextricably tangled 
 affair. He, he ! It seems, then, that they 
 who have safely run the gantlet through 
 the traps and wiles of the devil in this 
 world, are, in another, treated like the old 
 pensioners upon government, whose wounds 
 and length of service secure them a support 
 at the public expense, and an exemption 
 from military enrolment in future to the end 
 of their days. 
 
 'Well-a-day! There are many curios-
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 119 
 
 ities connected with these matters; and 
 therefore is it that human reason is forbid 
 den to poke her impertinent nose too far 
 into them. For instance, there is coming a 
 future general judgment, at which saints 
 and sinners whom death had severed,' and 
 kept apart by an impassable gulf long be 
 fore are to be separated from each other ; 
 and their causes, which had long before 
 been decided by the infallible Judge, shall 
 then undergo a readjudication ! We are 
 committed for the present only on suspicion 
 it seems : it may turn out that some of us 
 have been suffering false imprisonment dur 
 ing the intermediate term. He, he ! if such 
 shall chance to appear in the cases of Sha- 
 drach Paddle and his wife Dolly, what a 
 comfortable thing it will be ! For, to say 
 truth, Mr. Tub, although hell is a very tol- 
 srable place, taking it all in all ; yet I think 
 there are climates that would better agree 
 with mine and Dolly's constitutions. 1 find, 
 .ndeed, that climate has a great deal to do 
 with the agreeableness of a country; and 
 nell, I must confess, is not remarkably blest 
 in that respect. Dolly and I, therefore, are
 
 120 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 made up to emigrate, if the mistake alluded 
 to shall appear to have been made in our 
 cases. 
 
 " You are one of the elect, Mr. Tub, and, 
 at the great day of judgment aforenamed, 
 when sentence of endless damnation shall 
 be pronounced against Epaphroditus Tub, 
 your father, and Tabitha Tub, your mo 
 ther, it will be your duty so sermon-books 
 say to pronounce thereupon a loud and 
 emphatic AMEN! If you don't feel like do 
 ing this, you have reason to suspect the 
 genuineness of your conversion. Nay, more 
 than that, you must even be willing to be 
 damned yourself, provided that the matter 
 of eternally roasting Triptolemus Tub is 
 seen to be necessary to the glory of God. 
 
 "Well, here we are, at your gate, Mr. 
 Tub, and there stands your negro awaiting 
 his master, poor fellow, while this chilly 
 mist has gradually soaked his scanty cover 
 ing to the skin. But no matter ; negroes 
 were only made for white people's conven 
 ience. I have a few parting maxims for 
 you, Mr. Tub, and shall then take my 
 leave.
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 121 
 
 " Don't put off repentance too long, after 
 some special act of knavery, lest you might 
 die meanwhile and your soul be cheated of 
 heaven. Have as little to do with con 
 science as possible a man who keeps a 
 store and tavern can rarely afford to harbor 
 so troublesome an article and, for the mat 
 ter of that, it is a bore at best. The devil's 
 turnpike abounds with posies, preachers 
 say ; therefore, keep as near thereto as is at 
 all consistent with walking the narrow road, 
 and pluck as many as you can without too 
 much endangering your soul. Belief of the 
 truth is well enough, provided you can find 
 a large majority to believe it with you ; but, 
 as to believing with the minority, seldom is 
 anything gained thereby, save a brand in 
 this life, and damnation in the life to come. 
 Let the thermometer of your piety vary 
 with the religious temperature of the times ; 
 for then will it be always at the proper and 
 profitable degree, whether up at fever heat 
 or down at zero. A scrupulous faith is sel 
 dom profitable ; but a faith which gorges 
 whole systems, without regard to particu- 
 11
 
 122 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 lars is the faith which the clergy most affect 
 and patronize. 
 
 " I could largely multiply these maxims, 
 Mr. Tub, did time permit; by practising 
 upon them you run, 'tis true, some risk 
 of going to the devil at last ; but they are 
 found, it is said, vastly convenient for this 
 life; and I should judge as much myself, 
 from the fact that they are, and always 
 have been, so much in fashion. But you, 
 my good Triptolemus, are already apt in 
 these matters, as are also the most of your 
 fellow-saints. So, good-bye to you, Mr. 
 Tub." 
 
 "Did you see him, Cesar?" inquired the 
 elder of the negro who waited to take his 
 horse. 
 
 "See'd who, marsa?" asked Cesar in 
 return ; the whites of his eyes dilating to 
 their utmost, meanwhile, in terrified sur 
 prise. 
 
 " ' See'd who ? ' why, you rascal, the 
 gentleman who this moment came up to the 
 gate with me." 
 
 " Lor-a-mercy ! " exclaimed the astonished
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 123 
 
 Cesar, "I didn't see netting at all, marsa! 
 Golly! he must abin yer shadder." 
 
 "Well, say nothing about it, Cesar," 
 returned the elder; " but put away the 
 horse, and give him a good feed, for he has 
 been out the best part of the day without 
 anything." 
 
 The matter, however, was fated not to be 
 hushed up so easily ; it chanced that Doro 
 thy had been looking out the door at that 
 moment, and had overheard the short pas 
 sages between the negro and his master. 
 She, therefore, on his coming into the 
 house, plied the elder with question on 
 question as to what such inquiries could 
 mean. The elder tried to satisfy her as 
 men are wont to do when their ribs are 
 troublesomely inquisitive by fabricating 
 various little fibs, &c. But Dorothy was 
 not to bo thus put off; she menaced him 
 with hysterics, fainting-fits, and the like, to 
 the end of her days, if he would not tell her 
 the honest truth about it ; till at length poor 
 Tub was compelled to purchase his peace 
 by making a clean breast about the matter. 
 
 But his troubles ended not even then ; for
 
 124 ADVENTURES OF ELDER TUB. 
 
 Dorothy insisted upon an immediate visit to 
 parson Smearsoul, late as it then was, in 
 order that the whole business might be sub 
 mitted to his judgment. However, as, on 
 reflection, it was deemed easier to have the 
 parson come, than for them to go, Cesar 
 was despatched forthwith upon that impor 
 tant errand.
 
 CONCLUDING CHAPTER. 
 
 Wherein is satisfactorily cleared up all that hath puzzled 
 the reader in the foregoing part of the narrative. More 
 over, all the personages brought to men in this authentic 
 history are herein disposed of, in a may at which it is 
 hoped the good nature of the reader mill take no offence. 
 
 ACCOMPANIED by his reverend brother 
 Spume, at half-past eleven of the clock, 
 past meridian, arrived at our hero's domi 
 cile the Rev. Mr. Smearsoul. The amiable 
 Keziah had for some reason arisen, and was 
 found by the reverend visitants seated at a 
 stand, with the family Bible before her, and 
 interestingly attired in a light loose robe, 
 which threw an air of grace about her per 
 son. 
 
 The several appearances of Paddle were 
 
 described, and his several communications 
 
 rehearsed, to the reverend gentleman. Great 
 
 was their astonishment thereat many were 
 
 11*
 
 126 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 their ejaculations of pious horror many the 
 upturaings of their eyes. Occasionally, 
 indeed, and when they thought the eyes of 
 ihe family were off of them, the two divines 
 would exchange knowing and humorous 
 glances, while the goblin's more striking 
 and ludicrous passages were being recited. 
 But this was between themselves; to the 
 others they expressed a holy horror at the 
 whole affair. 
 
 "I should strongly incline, elder Tub," 
 said Parson Smearsoul, when the elder had 
 finished his narrative, " to resolve this affair 
 into a demoniacal visitation for why should 
 not demons now manifest themselves as 
 well as formerly? but in the last of the 
 supposed appearances a horse, as well as a 
 man, was visible to you. Now, as horses 
 have no souls, there can be no spiritual 
 embodiments in that form. Consequent- 
 
 Here the Rev. Mr. Spume begged leave to 
 interpose a question. He begged his rev 
 erend brother to remember that some devils 
 entered into a herd of hogs in the days 
 of the Saviour " Might not a devil have
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 127 
 
 been in the horse which the goblin Paddle 
 bestrode?" 
 
 " Nay, brother," answered Mr. Smear- 
 soul, " for the devil in the swine destroyed 
 not their visibility; whereas the horse in 
 question, though visible to the elder, was 
 not so to the negro Cesar. 
 
 " Consequently, Mr. Tub," resumed the 
 Parson, from where brother Spume had 
 broken him off, " my conclusion is that the 
 appearances were illusory; and that the 
 supposed communications were suggested 
 by your own carnal reason. There is a 
 class of heretics who have lately manifested 
 themselves hereabout, Mr. Tub, whose doc 
 trine is that all are to be finally saved, 
 without reference to their deeds or charac 
 ters in this life. To some persons of that 
 class, I fear, you have at one time and 
 another listened, and your mind has become 
 tinctured with their blasphemous and pre 
 sumptuous reasonings. 
 
 " This, elder Tub, to my mind, fully 
 explains the whole matter before us. You 
 have harbored those evil suggestions until 
 your imagination, being excited thereby, has
 
 128 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 conjured up the phantasm of the goblin 
 Paddle, and made it to seem to speak what, 
 in reality, was conceived and brought forth 
 by your own depraved reason. 
 
 "Elder Tub, this must not be longer 
 borne with ; when the church was weak in 
 number and means, she was necessitated to 
 be more lenient toward offending members 
 than strictly comported with her obligations 
 to her great head. But now, elder Tub, 
 that our number* are greatly increased, we 
 must begin to lop off the dry and profitless 
 branches. 
 
 " Besides, elder Tub, you have been less 
 liberal of your carnal substance to the 
 church, than your circumstances would 
 warrant In relation to that substance you 
 are but God's steward, Mr. Tub, and you 
 are robbing him when you withhold what 
 he demands of it for carrying on his work 
 of grace in the world. Think of these 
 things, elder Tub," continued the parson, 
 sententious! y, as he rose to depart, '-and 
 may Heaven grant you grace, that you may, 
 through his instrument the church, be dis-
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 129 
 
 posed to render unto God the things that 
 are God's. Good-night, Mr. Tub." 
 
 "You understand managing that old 
 chap, I perceive, brother Smearsoul," re 
 marked Asaph Spume, as arm in arm the 
 two reverend gentlemen trudged homeward 
 together; "you are safe for a doubling of 
 his subscription for the ensuing year, at 
 least, and I should not be surprised if he 
 sent you a good round present, by way of a 
 preliminary peace-offering, ere to-morrow's 
 sun goes down. The old fellow, I take it, 
 has pretty well lined his pouch from those 
 broad flats of his." 
 
 " Yes, and from a long course of dealing 
 in his store which borders as closely on the 
 nefarious as the law will allow," answered 
 Mr. Smearsoul. " There are but two things 
 which prerent his being a rogue outright 
 witnin the widest limits of the law ; those 
 are, a fear of losing his custom by being 
 turned out of church ; and a fear of being 
 endlessly damned in the future life. I find 
 that, among my male members, it is only 
 the baser and more ignorant class that I can 
 affect by the latter consideration. By the
 
 130 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 way Keziah Tub you noticed her did 
 you not? She is a saint the salt of the 
 family and would make a good wife, no 
 doubt." 
 
 " And whoever gets her will get spoons 
 with her heigh?" laughingly put in the 
 pious Asaph. " Ah, ah ! brother Smear- 
 soul she is the salt of the family, is she ? 
 and you think of pickling yourself in that 
 barrel ? Pretty good pretty good, brother 
 Smearsoul." Thus sported the two parsons. 
 
 The Tub family, meanwhile, repaired to 
 bed, but not so far as respects the elder 
 and Dorothy to sleep. On the contrary, 
 they lay awake the livelong night, engaged 
 in active diplomatic scheming and contriving. 
 
 " It would be inconvenient to be turned 
 out of church now," concluded the elder, 
 for the late revival has very considerably 
 increased its members, and I shall have 
 nearly all thar custom at my store if I retain 
 my standing." 
 
 "And besides that," put in Dorothy, 
 ' our Keziah is getting well along in years, 
 and ought to be married if she is ever going 
 to be. Mr. Smearsoul has a high opinion
 
 ELDER TRIPTOLEMUS TUB. 131 
 
 of her piety, and praises her gift in prayer. 
 It would help our influence mightily if a 
 match could be made between them." 
 
 " And another thing," added the elder, 
 " people are taking on mightily now-a-days 
 about temperance. I have been urged to 
 sign the pledge several times of late, and 
 have promised to do so when I have sold 
 out my present stock of liquors. Deacon 
 Splawfoot, too, has been compelled to stop 
 his distillery. Now I can manage, by 
 watering them pretty freely, to make my 
 liquors hold out for a considerable time, and 
 they will bring a better price now that the 
 deacon's -distillery is stopt." 
 
 Well, the result arrived at by the pious 
 old couple was, that the elder should visit 
 parson Smearsoul early next morning con 
 fess to him his mental backslidings lay 
 the whole blame thereof upon the devil 
 profess a greater horror of heresy than he 
 had ever experienced before double his 
 subscription for the parson's salary and 
 enjoin on parson Smearsoul the obligation 
 of secrecy relative to the whole business.* 
 
 * This may account why the people about there are
 
 132 ADVENTURES OF ELDER TUB. 
 
 "And," added the provident Dorothy, 
 " it will be as well when you start fer thar, 
 to have Cesar put a bag of apples into the 
 wagon, and a bushel or two of corn, for a 
 present to Mr. Smearsoul." 
 
 It remains but to be added, reader, that 
 in all these worldly-wise calculations our 
 hero sped to admiration. He was retained 
 in his ecclesiastical standing and dignity. 
 His liquors held out to admiration. The 
 taint of heresy never afterward attached to 
 him, for, aware of his vulnerability to sus 
 picion on that score, he goes the ' whole 
 animal ' in the opposite direction. He there 
 fore has nearly the whole run of church 
 custom ; and, what goes still more to enlarge 
 and strengthen his influence to that effect, 
 is, that she who was once Miss Keziah 
 Tub, is now Mrs. Smearsoul. 
 
 As to the impious goblin Paddle, he has 
 never since been seen in the parts, either 
 on foot or on horseback; and devoutly 
 is it to be wished that he never will. 
 
 not informed of the facts of this history, which is now, 
 for the first time, given to the public.
 
 APPENDIX 
 TO THE FOREGOING NARRATIVE. 
 
 THE foregoing narrative, gentle reader, is in a 
 lighter and more ludicrous strain than it suits the au 
 thor's general taste to write, or yours, it may be, to 
 peruse ; if you have supposed his design therein to 
 have been mere amusement, at the expense of opin 
 ions and usages held sacred by many, you have greatly 
 misconceived it. An author, as well as a public 
 speaker, finds that different modes of address must be 
 resorted to, in order to gain access to different minds. 
 Some may be reached by closely reasoned argumenta 
 tion some would prefer to have the argument diluted 
 with some florid and gratuitous declamation some 
 require to be stung into reflection with sarcasm and 
 some with playful satire. In this case, the design has 
 been to bring before the mind some facts connected 
 with the notion of endless miser} , which are not gen 
 erally taken into the account when that topic is under 
 consideration ; but which, on account of their magni 
 tude, are worthy of a place in the serious thoughts of 
 all ; and if the undeniable results of a doctrine are to 
 have any bearing on the decision as to its truth or fal- 
 12
 
 134 APPENDIX. 
 
 sity, then ought those herein exhibited to sea! the 
 fate or the dogma of endless woe, effectually and for- 
 ever. 
 
 The suggestions respecting the magnitude of hell, 
 and the kind of inhabitants which (among others) it 
 must contain, are all, as the author conceives, fully 
 within the range of probability, and might have beei. 
 carried even considerably farther; the intelligent reader, 
 on reflection, cannot but entirely concur in this. The 
 Rev. Dr. Wilson, of Albany, apparently a very con 
 scientious Presbyterian clergyman , published a sermon 
 a few years since, in which he asserts that the majority 
 of the framers of our federal constitution were deists or 
 atheists. The great and pood Washington, himself, 
 he supposes to have held the Christian religion in light 
 esteem; the faith of Jefferson, Madison, Monroe and 
 Franklin, he considers to have been more than doubt 
 ful ; and that of the Adamses' (being Unitarianism) is, 
 in his judgment, but little better; nor is Dr. Wilson 
 alone, by a great deal, in these suppositions. It is 
 presumed that very, very few orthodox ministers can 
 be found who would deliberately affirm, that they be 
 lieve these distinguished personages to have possessed 
 that pure faith, and to have undergone that divine ex 
 perience, which are held to be indispensable to salva 
 tion ; and if they did not, then, on the popular hypo 
 thesis of endless misery, they are all damned ! 
 
 As to the distinguished personages of antiquity, the 
 author has allowed the goblin to allot a place in hell to 
 only such of them, as, from their histories, are un 
 doubtedly thf>r>, on th- 1 '!nl!"s.s misery hypothesis.
 
 APPENDIX. 135 
 
 Marcus Junius Brutus, with all his virtues, (and by 
 universal testimony these were many and eminent,) 
 terminated his life by suicide which was a common 
 case in those days. The virtuous Roman matron, who 
 did the same to resent her violation, and thereby oc 
 casioned the first overthrow of monarchical power of 
 which history furnishes the record, must be consigned 
 to a common hell with the infamous Cleopatra ! It 
 were vain to enlarge, however, for the scope for this 
 kind of reflections is boundless. The author here but 
 just touches on these facts, that the reader may see 
 that our veritable friend Paddle's speculations about 
 hell and its inhabitants, are not absolutely gratuitous ; 
 in fact, they were entirely designed as an indirect mode 
 of argumentation, and couched in their present form 
 the better to secure a reading and awaken reflection 
 It is hoped that the serious and moderate portion of 
 his orthodox readers, will not accuse the author of an 
 attempt to ridicule their professions or practice in the 
 person of Elder Tub. It is known that hypocrites and 
 double-minded persons are to be found amongst all re 
 ligious classes Christian, Jew, Mahomedan, and Pa 
 gan ; against pretenders of this class only are the 
 shafts of his ridicule directed. The sincere Christian 
 has his respect and his affection, wherever, or of what 
 denomination soever, he is found. 
 
 " To those he renders more than mere respect, 
 Whose actions say that they respect themselves." 
 
 But the hypocrite has his detestation and contempt, 
 whether he be orthodox or heterodox ; for neither the
 
 136 APPENDIX. 
 
 one nor the other is free from his intrusions, according 
 as he judges that with the one or the other his selfish 
 ends may be best promoted. 
 
 The reader may be curious to know whether there 
 is actually such a spot on the Virginia shore of the 
 Ohio as that described in the preceding narrative. To 
 this the author can only answer, that he was informed 
 some years ago that there is a stone on that shore, the 
 precise locale of which he did not learn, which bears 
 an inscription to the purport of the one described. 
 This is all he knows about it ; the rest is fancy.
 
 THE 
 
 OLD MAN OF THE HILL-SIDE,
 
 THE 
 
 OLD MAN OF THE HILL-SDE. 
 
 A TALE. 
 
 Of which the reader has the author's permission to believe 
 all that may strike him as true, and to reject the remainder. 
 
 IT were, perhaps, superfluous to state 
 that the old man of the hill-side lives on 
 the side of a hill ; for that much will be 
 likely to be inferred as a matter of course ; 
 but it may not be amiss to describe him as 
 a queer old customer, because, as that does 
 not of necessity follow from his living on a 
 hill-side, the reader would not be apt to 
 know it except he were so informed. 
 
 He measures in height, does he of the 
 hill-side, just six feet as he stands, but when 
 stretched out as he will be when his under 
 taker has to do with him, his length wil
 
 140 THE OLD MAN 
 
 fall little short of six feet six. A piercing 
 grey eye, and a nose which terminates in a 
 sharp peak, give to his otherwise comical 
 expression a character of shrewdness and 
 penetration, which is amply corroborated by 
 his usual remarks upon men and things. 
 
 Not overmuch reverence for the clergy 
 has that same old man, nor backward is In- 
 in "spaakin' his mind till them," as he 
 himself expresses it. Indeed, it must be 
 owned that they find him a serious bore at 
 times, for on no class of persons is he more 
 prone to exercise his privilege of tongue 
 than on them. 
 
 For example. The Rev. Simon Soft, 
 having lately been delivered of a very tow 
 ering sermon, was shortly afterward at an 
 evening party, at which our hero was pres 
 ent, where he managed the said Simon 
 after several ineffectual efforts, to make his 
 big discourse the topic of conversation. 
 Most of the party praised it highly it 
 was rich it was splendid and all that. 
 Simon, however, affected to run it down : 
 he wasn't quite well when he preached it; 
 he had not studied it at all; had thrown it
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 141 
 
 off hastily, and without much thought, etc., 
 etc. " What is your opinion of it, my old 
 friend? " inquired he at length of him of the 
 hill-side. "I observed that you listened to 
 it with great attention." 
 
 " Indaad thin," replied the old man, " and 
 do ye think I '11 be at the throuble to kaap 
 in mind a discoorse that you say didn't cost 
 you any mind at all, at all 1 Sure I kaap 
 my head for a bether purpose nor that 
 comes to." 
 
 " But," said Simon, sheepishly, and taken 
 all aback by the old man's answer, "I 
 don't think that my sermon was so very 
 poor an one after all, notwithstanding that I 
 bestowed so little thought upon it. Some 
 minds are so constituted," continued the 
 modest Simon, "as to be capable of brilliant 
 efforts with little previous preparation ; and 
 as to that discourse of mine, the generality 
 of my hearers admired it very much." 
 
 " Troth, thin, and big fools weer they for 
 that same," retorted our hero ; " an I knoud 
 whin ye weer rinnin' it down, that it was 
 fishin' for praise ye weer, but I'm not such 
 a gudgeon as to bite at a hook so poorly
 
 142 THE OLD MAN 
 
 kivtred. Hout man! whin it happens til 
 ye to praach better than ordiner, the paaple 
 will find it out, and ye've no naad to be 
 pui 11 pi 11 at thim for compliments to fill yer 
 vanity wid." 
 
 So much for Simon's out-come with the 
 old man of the hill-side. Too many preach 
 ers there are, it must be owned, of the 
 Simon Soft family, who, when they believe 
 themselves to have performed better than 
 usual, must needs leak out their vanity by 
 a similar fishing for compliments. 
 
 I took a walk to the old man's cabin on 
 the hill-side one Monday morning, in com 
 pany with a young clergyman who had 
 preached for us the day before, whose man 
 ners and speech gave evidence that he cher 
 ished a towering opinion of his own abili 
 ties. His style in the desk had been marked 
 by a stiffness and pomposity which I knew 
 could not have escaped my old friend's 
 notice, for I had occasionally cast my eye 
 toward where he sat, and could easily 
 divine from the uneasy twinkling of his 
 eye, and his frequent change of position, 
 'iat the foppery of the young preacher was
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 143 
 
 not at all to his taste. And, to confess the 
 truth, it was for the sake of the lesson 
 which I knew the old man would not fail to 
 administer to him, that I had prevailed on 
 him to accompany me to his cabin. 
 
 I had conjectured rightly, for scarcely had 
 we been ten minutes seated ere the old man 
 began to criticise my companion's pronun 
 ciation of certain words those, especially, 
 in which the r occurred and to quiz him 
 in respect to his pompous verbiage. In his 
 prayer, for instance, the young man had 
 invoked the Lord to come down in his char 
 iot of light. " Did ye mane by that same," 
 enquired the old man, " that the Lord 
 should ride down through the ruf of the 
 maatin' -house in his coach?" The young 
 preacher reddened to his ears with vexation 
 and perplexity, for, in truth, he had attached 
 no particular meaning to that petition when 
 he made it. 
 
 "And why dount ye," continued the old 
 man, " whin ye mane brithrin, say brithrin, 
 at once? Sure there's no naad of sayin' 
 bcr-rith-crin. And why dount ye say Chris 
 tian j "rinds? for divil a bit of naadcissity
 
 144 THE OLD MAN 
 
 is there for sayin' Cur-ristian fur-rinds. 
 And thin, at the commincement, sure ye 
 make a naadless pother of words ; ye say, 
 ' Bur-rith-erin, we will inter-o-duce the high 
 praises of our-er God, in the use of the *?//>- 
 lime and delightful stanzas, recor-r-ded on 
 the one hundred and thir-r-tieth page.' 
 Hout man ! what can be the maanin' of all 
 that bur-r-r-rin 1 Sure bigger praachers nor 
 you git along wid less kalaver. Takin' yer 
 high-soundin' discourse togither wid the 
 little sinse belongin' till it, made me concaat 
 that I was on a staamboat that had too 
 much staam in its boilers." 
 
 This was rather a cool cloud for my 
 young friend to come in contact with in his 
 flight toward the sun ; yet I was quite easy 
 on the score of its depressing him to his 
 hurt, for he was of that class of geniuses 
 whose self-esteem leads them to set a very 
 low estimate on the judgments of those who 
 f;iil to recognize their preeminent merits. 
 Accordingly, as we were returning together 
 he remarked to me, "That's a very con 
 ceited old man ; he has a wretched taste in 
 respect to mutters of language and preach-
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 145 
 
 ing ; he is the first man that ever faulted 
 me on those grounds." Proof positive of 
 his bad taste, thought I. 
 
 " Arrah now, are ye sure it isn't invious 
 ye are?" asked the old man of the hill-side 
 of a Rev. Mr. Twiddle, who was nibbling, 
 in a spirit of hyper-criticism, at a discourse 
 delivered in this desk by a stranger on the 
 previous Sabbath, and with which the 
 whole audience besides were highly de 
 lighted. 
 
 " Sure the bist tist of a good sermon," 
 continued the old man, "is to find the 
 paaple plaised wid it for wud ye not pro 
 nounce a puddin' good when all the alters 
 of it weer plaised wid its taste ? Troth wud 
 ye, man. And what if somebody that pre- 
 tinded to be a judge of cookery shuld say, 
 that it wasn't mixed and boiled accordin' to 
 rule. Why, man, wud ye care a ha'porth 
 about that if yer mout was shuted ? Divil 
 a bit wud ye. So take an ould man's coun 
 sel, Musther Twiddle, and niver spaak agin 
 a discoorse when iverybody ilse is shuted 
 wid it ; for paaple will suspicion ilse, that 
 13
 
 146 THE OLD MAN 
 
 it's jealous ye are that the praacher is bet- 
 ther liked nor yersilf." 
 
 The old man of the hill-side, however, is 
 not always thus cynical in his tone toward 
 clergymen; I have sometimes heard him 
 address them in terms of patronizing encour 
 agement ; but when he does so, it is because 
 he perceives that a strain of that sort is 
 required by the diffidence of the party ; and 
 he has a surprisingly quick and accurate 
 discernment in such matters. 
 
 A modest, and really talented young man, 
 had for three or four years preached to the 
 society of which the old man is a member ; 
 he exchanged desks one Sabbath with a 
 neighboring clergyman who does not possess 
 one half of his abilities, but who, when he 
 ministers in a strange place, is in the habit 
 of dragging into his discourse all the pretty 
 and sparkling ideas of which he is in 
 possession ; and this, to persons who hear 
 him but seldom, gives him the appearance 
 of being a very splendid and interesting 
 preacher. 
 
 Consequently, when my modest friend 
 returned to his parish, he could hear little
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 147 
 
 else than the praises of the stranger with 
 whom he had exchanged. Never had so 
 great a sermon been delivered from that 
 pulpit he was the man they had never 
 heard a preacher to compare with him if 
 they could but get him settled among them 
 they would be quite made up &c., (S&c. 
 
 My young friend began to feel seriously 
 discouraged; he was not envious modest 
 men seldom are but his natural diffidence 
 increased upon him on a comparison of the 
 high compliments bestowed on the stranger 
 with the faint ones expressed towards him 
 self. Moreover, he had heard one of his 
 regular hearers say, that he would rather 
 part with his best cow than that the ser 
 vices of so splendid a preacher should fail 
 of being permanently engaged by the con 
 gregation. 
 
 " A fig's ind ! " indignantly exclaimed the 
 old man of the hill-side, when my modest 
 friend had hinted his discouragement to 
 him. "Why, havn't I been over into the 
 stranger's parish sin Sunda? And aren't 
 the paaple theer as much plaazed wid you 
 as seme of uz weer wid him ? In troth are
 
 148 THE OLD MAN 
 
 they man ; and glad enoof wnd they he to 
 take ye in lieu of him if they culd git ye. 
 But the sinsible part of uz wudn't be such 
 fools as to listen til it, nor the semple part 
 naather, whin once they're come back til 
 theer sinses. 
 
 " So take heart, man, take heart," con 
 tinued the old man, " yerself was a new toy 
 wid uz once, and tickled enoof weer we all 
 wid you thin; but now we've worn some 
 of the paint and gildin' aff of ye, and some 
 maybe wud be willin' to barter ye for a 
 frish bauble. But I wud n't, man, and they 
 that wud, wud soon be sick of that same. 
 As to the chap that says he wud give his 
 best cow for the ixchange, he has niver 
 given the value of a cow's tail toward sup- 
 portin' any preachin' yit; nor will he till 
 cow's tails get to be plintier than promises 
 wid him, and that's not soon, I'll warrant 
 
 ye." 
 
 The old man of the hill-side was not 
 wide of the mark in his views upon these 
 heads. People are fond of new things, and 
 it often happens that a new, though inferior 
 preacher, will extract more compliments
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 149 
 
 from them than will older ones of great and 
 acknowledged ability. 
 
 Nevertheless, I have known preachers, 
 not a few, who were silly-pated enough to 
 allow their vanity to be inflated by that sort 
 of incense. On the part of very young men, 
 who have not had experience enough to 
 acquaint them with the utter worthlessness 
 of such flatteries, some weakness of the sort 
 may be allowed ; but a preacher of several 
 years' experience in such matters, who, 
 when told that at such a place he out- 
 preached all the preaching that had ever 
 been heard there, jumps to the self-satisfy 
 ing conclusion that, therefore, he is a man 
 of superior abilities to the best of those who 
 had previously ministered at that place- 
 such a preacher, I say, may be set down as 
 an incorrigible coxcomb. Good faith, his 
 brains might, without much detriment to 
 their thinking qualities, be exchanged for 
 an equal bulk of buttermilk. 
 13*
 
 150 THE OLD MAN 
 
 Adjacent to our old friend's farm there 
 is a wild and uninhabited tract of coun 
 try, of five or six miles in breadth, through 
 which the paths are so narrow and indis 
 tinct that the traveller must pick his way 
 by means of what is termed in the parts 
 a blaize or marking, on the trunks of 
 trees ; and as these intersect each other in 
 various directions, it is necessary that he 
 should well know the bearings of the point 
 for which he is aiming, and keep a sharp 
 look-out into the bargain. 
 
 It is on the very edge of this forest that 
 the old man's farm is situated ; and many a 
 sheep has he lost by the predatory .propen 
 sities of his neighbors the wolves; his hen 
 roosts, too, could tell many a tale of nightly 
 invasion by those bushy-tailed rogues, 
 which, fronr time immemorial, have rivalled 
 even Methodist preachers in their tender 
 affection for all sorts of poultry ; and often, 
 moreover, have the deer of that forest so 
 well grazed the old man's fields of winter 
 grain as to have materially lessened hit 
 labor of reaping them.
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 151 
 
 I was sitting with him in his porch one 
 beautiful spring morning, when, pointing 
 my attention to a field of young oats, on 
 which I perceived a large doe, and two 
 fawns to be quietly trespassing, he laughed 
 heartily at the sense of security they mani 
 fested, as if conscious that he was unfur 
 nished with the means of resenting their 
 intrusion. " Arrah, now ! " exclaimed the 
 old man, "isn't it a mortal shame that it's 
 niver a dog nor gun I have, to tache those 
 bastes bether manners nor to rob an ould 
 man like me of his hard-earned crops? 
 Faix, if they would go over till my next 
 neebor's, and try the same wid him, he 
 would be soon sinding a rifle-ball afther 
 thim to tache thim what's dacent." 
 
 Two preachers rode up to the old man's 
 domicile one day, who informed him that 
 they were on their way to a quarterly 
 meeting, which was to commence that 
 evening in the settlement next adjoin 
 ing, and they solicited the old man's 
 guidance through the intermediate woods, 
 as a recent wind-fall had rendered the 
 track more obscure than usual. They
 
 152 THE OLD MAN 
 
 were both of them sleek-looking men, 
 and were mounted on sleek-looking horses ; 
 their plump and self-satisfied countenances 
 indicated that they were in possession of the 
 godliness which, at the least, is profitable 
 for the life that now is. 
 
 One of them was a presiding elder, and 
 as he must needs be present to open the 
 meeting aforesaid, he urged this as a mo 
 tive for prompt compliance on the part of 
 our old friend. After a few shrewd glances 
 at these plump ecclesiastics, the old man 
 quietly assumed his hat and staff, and 
 trudged on in advance of the travellers. 
 
 It was a desperate path ; now almost im 
 passable to horses on account of the huge 
 hemlock roots, which extended and inter 
 laced over the entire surface of the ground ; 
 now by rocks, which nearly hid the soil for 
 many contiguous acres ; and now by a veg 
 etable muck converted into mire by the 
 humidity of the air in that overshadowing 
 forest, which, from its density, excluded the 
 exhaling warmth of the sun. 
 
 After plodding on in silence for two or 
 three miles the old man made a sudden
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 153 
 
 halt, and, addressing himself to the elder, 
 said. "Come now, my fine fillow, you 
 have a stouter pair of ligs nor me, suppose 
 you give thim a little natheral ixercise in 
 the way of walkin, and let me bestride your 
 baste for a bit." 
 
 The elder was utterly astounded at the 
 cool impudence of this proposition. " What, 
 / walk ! " he exclaimed ; "I can consent to 
 no such thing, sir; by any means; I am 
 unused to walking, sir ; and, besides sir, it 
 is not the usage to which I am accustomed, 
 sir ; some respect is due to my office, sir ; for 
 I am about God's business, and woe betide 
 the man who attempts to obstruct it, sir." 
 
 " Och, what a botheration ye make now," 
 retorted our hero, "because ye 're axed to 
 take a little ixercise in the natheral way. 
 And is it bether than me ye are because 
 ye 're a praacher 1 Faix, and it 's myself 
 that dount agree wid ye in that same ; and 
 the divil a peg furder will I gow wid ye, 
 my fine fillow, uhliss ye lend me the back 
 of yer baste for that purpose. So now ye 
 may take yer choice." 
 
 The poor elder was now in a quandary)
 
 154 THE OLD MAN 
 
 sure enough ; he found he had got into the 
 hands of a crooked Christian; to pick his 
 own way through the remaining part of the 
 forest he saw to be clearly impossible ; the 
 old man's guidance he must have, on such 
 terms as he could. On the other hand, the 
 alternative of footing it amongst rocks, and 
 roots, and mire, was a hard one, and scarcely 
 preferable to his taking his chance of get 
 ting lost He therefore softened his tone 
 toward the old man plead that walking 
 would exhaust his strength and unfit him 
 for preaching that it would bespatter his 
 garments, which were new and glossy, and 
 bemire his boots, which had been polished 
 for the occasion. 
 
 But all would not do ; our old friend was 
 inexorable. " Hout man," said he, "sure 
 ye '11 have as claan a fut as I will, or, for 
 the mather of that, as claan'a fut as there '11 
 be at the maatin, for few are they that will 
 ride theer. And faix theer 's no use in chaf 
 fering heer thegither, for if ye dount lind me 
 yer baste, I dount go a peg furder wid ye." 
 
 The elder was fain to submit at length 
 which he did with the worst grace possible
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 155 
 
 remarking at the same time, that as he 
 couldn't walk more than a mile at the 
 utmost, he should expect his horse yielded 
 back to him as soon as he required it. 
 
 " Will, I 'm agraad to that," said our 
 friend of the hill-side, "or to anythin' ilse 
 that 's raisonable. But ye must spaak out 
 loud, do ye mind, for I 'm dull of haarin' 
 whin I git on the back of a baste the ixer- 
 cise is new til me." 
 
 The sequel proved our hero correct as to 
 his dulness of hearing ; for, after flounder 
 ing among rocks and mire for a half a mile 
 or so, the elder complained of being out of 
 breath, and requested the old man to stop 
 but the latter gave no signs of hearing. The 
 elder raised his voice higher, and higher still, 
 until it reached a bawl still our friend's 
 deafness was as invincible as before. The 
 elder quickened his pace to a half run, in the 
 hope of getting nearer to his troublesome 
 guide ; but, from some unaccountable cause, 
 the horse on which the latter was mounted 
 increased his gait in the same ratio. 
 
 And thus things continued, until, at the 
 end of three miles or so, they emerged from
 
 156 . THE OLD MAN 
 
 the forest into the open country where the 
 old man's services ceased to be necessary. 
 He therefore came to a halt, dismounted, 
 and waited for the coming up of the elder, 
 who was blowing like a porpoise, his round 
 countenance as red as the sun in smoke 
 days, and his sacred person most sadly be 
 spattered from head to heels. 
 
 " Look ye theer now," said our friend of 
 the hill-side, in .a serio-comic tone, "what a 
 dacent color ye have afther yer walk. Sure 
 I know'd a little natheral exercise wud 
 improve yer health. But ye carry too much 
 burthen of hardweer about ye, man, for ye 
 have a spur on ivery fut of ye, which 
 incumbered yer walkin', or ilse ye'd have 
 performed yer part bether nor one of the 
 king's fut guards. As for yer boots, the 
 divil a testher of harm wull the mud do 
 thim whin once they get use till it; for 
 havn't I taken many such a walk? Faix 
 have I, and my brogans dount know the 
 differ betwixt bein' clane or dirthy. It 's 
 good for ye, man, to faal some of the throu- 
 bles of life, for thin ye can spake til the paa- 
 pie from yer own ixparience."
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 157 
 
 The poor elder, during this patting lec 
 ture, was inflated with indignation nearly 
 to bursting; he had sense enough remaining, 
 however, to perceive that its explosion upon 
 the old man of the hill-side would be but so 
 much breath thrown away, in addition to 
 what he had already lost in the three-mile 
 chase in which he had been engaged. He 
 therefore stifled it as best he could, and 
 oroceeded on to meet his expectant congrega 
 tion, possibly to edify them with a discourse 
 >n the Christian graces of meekness and 
 humility. 
 
 It must not be inferred that the old man 
 of the hill-side is an indiflerentist in respect 
 to religion ; much less that he is unbelieving. 
 He is neither, by any means. He is, indeed, 
 a contemner of its mere ceremonial, and of 
 extra, or ostentatious pretensions to sanctity 
 on the part of its professors. He holds at a 
 14
 
 158 THE OLD MAN 
 
 cheap rafe upturned eyes, and such pious 
 ejaculations as seem and all so seem when 
 publicly indulged in more meant for man's 
 ear than for God's. The class of our hero's 
 acquaintances whose piety oozes out in such 
 forms, have a great dread of his waggery, 
 which he exercises on them without stint 
 when he chances to be in that vein, and that 
 is not seldom. 
 
 A countryman 'of his whom he had long 
 known very intimately, and who was much 
 more given to public exhibitions of piety 
 than to the practice of righteousness in his 
 everyday intercourse, was accompanying 
 our old friend at one time in an excursion to 
 a distant market-town. They tarried over 
 night at an inn, in a single room of which 
 nearly a score of persons, including them 
 selves, were put to lodge. These were mostly 
 travellers bound to the same market-town, 
 and on a similar errand with their own. 
 
 "Why, hout, Robin !" exclaimed the old 
 man to his companion, whom, on his return 
 from the stable, whither he had been at 
 tending to the comfort ef his horses, he 
 found knoelins nt his bedside near the door
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 159 
 
 of the crowded apartment aforesaid, amid a 
 perfect confusion of talking, smoking, pass 
 ing in and out, and other noises incident to 
 such an occasion. "Why, hout, man! is it 
 yerself ye'er mutherin to down theer ? Or is 
 it to the infinite Baaing who can listen til 
 the heart when it spaaks, though the mout 
 be silent? Fie on ye, Robin, and git ye up 
 out of this, for ye '11 git the ligs of ye 
 thrampled aff by some of the heavy-futted 
 gintlemin passin' in and out. And as for 
 yer preers, man, I'm thinkin' the Almighty 
 dount naad thim so badly that ye must be 
 pattherin' thim over til him amidst all this 
 clishmaclaver." 
 
 When his companion had arisen and was 
 stripping for bed, the old man continued his 
 well-meant raillery at his servile adherence 
 to the mere externals of piety, to the neglect 
 of its loving spirit and beneficent practice; 
 but he softened his voice to a more concil 
 iatory tone. 
 
 "And sure now, Robin," said he, "I 
 didn't know but ye maybe had gone to 
 carry a saddle of vinison, or a few rolls of 
 butther, or some iggs, or somethin' of the
 
 160 THE OLD MAN 
 
 soort which we can well speer bctweon uz, 
 til the poor family near by that weer .urnt 
 out yesthernight. Sure, Robin, those poor 
 paaple naad hilp more nor the Lord naads 
 preers. And its pricious little good all our 
 pathor nosthors will do uz, I'm thinkin', 
 ixcipt they pit grace intil our hearts to move 
 us to hilp the poor and the naady. So 
 think of it, Robin, and if it 's of any use til 
 ye yer religion is, lit the same be manifist 
 in yer daads of charity to the suflerin', and 
 of kindness and uprightness toward yer 
 neebors." 
 
 There was another individual in the parts, 
 on whom our old man of the hill-side was 
 as prone to exercise his privilege of blunt 
 counsel as on his friend Robin, and for a 
 similar reason. 
 
 This was a tall, lank store-keeper, whose 
 pretensions were of the very saintliest sort. 
 He wore a buttonless and collarless coat, 
 and as nearly seamless also as he could 
 have it His hair, which was long and 
 silken, he wore parted in the middle of the 
 forehead, and flowing down on his shoul- 
 Jers like in the pictures of the Saviour.
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 161 
 
 His words were honeyed, his step stealthy, 
 his conversation plentifully interlarded with 
 saintly sighs. So soon as he entered a place 
 of worship, down he dropt on his knees with 
 his long body prostrated upon a bench, and 
 his head overspread by his handkerchief as 
 with a pall ; and thus would he lie, groan 
 ing and sobbing, during the entire services 
 of the meeting. Nevertheless, if this em 
 bodiment of sanctity was not more than a 
 little knavish in his dealings, then was he 
 most grievously belied by his neighbors of 
 every kind. 
 
 Our friend of the hill-side knew him 
 "like a book," and on entering a meeting 
 once where he was prostrated as described, 
 he took him to task in his own blunt way 
 for having left his horse exposed in the 
 broiling sun, when there was the shelter of 
 a woods within the distance of a few rods, 
 where others of the congregation had tied 
 their horses. 
 
 " And sure, Musther Melden," said he. 
 
 " but ye do ill to be slobbering heer, wuth 
 
 all these paaple to wutniss the ado ye 're 
 
 makin' about religion, while yer poor baste 
 
 M*
 
 THE OLD MAN 
 
 stands out theer all the while, wid the flies 
 aatin' him, and no shilther agin the haat of 
 the sun. Troth, man, the Baaing ye profess 
 to be prayin' to made the four-futted crather 
 out theer as well as yersilf, and it's some 
 tinder regard for it ye should have for that 
 same raason, if no ither. 
 
 " And dount the Scripture say, Musther 
 Melden, that the merciful man is merciful 
 til his baast? But sure it's little mercy 
 theer is in laavin' it to be devoured wid 
 flies. So git ye up, man; for if they are 
 matthers betwaan you and God ye are 
 waapin about, ye have maybe a closet at 
 home wheer ye can waap in sacret, which 
 wull be more dacent nor to be makin' a 
 shew of yer graaf before all these paaple. 
 And it's little, man, that the great Creatlior 
 cares about the posthure of yer body, that 
 ye must naads sprawl yersilf on the flu re at 
 this unreasonable rate. He looks at the 
 soul, man, and requires that we should be 
 merciful as he is merciful." 
 
 It is a distinguished and pleasing trait in 
 our old friend's character, blunt as he is in 
 speech, and hard in latiirc. that he has a
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 163 
 
 neart big with humanity toward all living 
 creatures. He decidedly objects to the kill 
 ing of birds and squirrels, and all creatures 
 whose existence is not incompatible with 
 human safety. 
 
 " For murther is bad spoort, if spoort be 
 the object," he says ; " and if it be done for 
 the aatin's sake, sure it 's none but a glut 
 tonous baaste that wud sacrifice the mirry 
 and joyous life of a little bird for a maar 
 moutful of dainty maat." 
 
 We were driving together in a dearborn 
 up a rugged acclivity one day, when we 
 were startled by the well-known, melan 
 choly, tremulous note of a rattlesnake, 
 which was under the very feet of the horse, 
 who, however, being a quietly disposed 
 animal, stept cautiously over the reptile 
 without evincing much excitement. When 
 we had proceeded on a few steps I stopt the 
 horse, and, getting out of the vehicle, took 
 up a large stick with the purpose of killing 
 the snake, which by that time had got on to 
 a stump on the other side of the road, and 
 lay coiled there. 
 
 "Sorra a bit of harm shall ye do the
 
 164 THE OLD MAN 
 
 craather," said the old man. "Is it aavil 
 for good ye wud do til it, and so prove yor- 
 silf a woorse Christian nor the snake? Sure 
 it was kind of the craather not to bite the 
 lig of yer horse whin theer was danger of 
 itself bein' thrampled on, and since it has 
 allowed ye to pass unharmed it wud be an 
 ill part of ye to kill it in return. Lit it 
 leve, theer's room enough in these wuds for 
 all of uz." 
 
 The old man's logic prevailed, and the 
 rattlesnake went free, nor have I ever since 
 regretted, but rather have rejoiced at the 
 lenient decision which balanced accounts of 
 obligation between the reptile and me. 
 
 " I was ridin' out of a city for a bit of an 
 ixcursion, 1 ' said he, in a conversation we 
 once had together at his residence, "on a 
 plissant Sathurday afthernoon, whin I was 
 overtaken by a praacher who was goin' 
 into the counthry to hould a maatin on the 
 morrow. So we jogged on thegither ; and 
 he had a daal to say foment the importance 
 of gittin' religion and savin' the immorthal 
 soul. Well, by and by we mit a man wuth 
 a wagon-load of shaap that he was takin'
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 165 
 
 in to be slaughtered. The wither was hot 
 and drauthy, and the poor crathers weer 
 pantin' with haat and thirst. So, as he 
 stopt at a pump to git himsilf a dthrink, I 
 axed him to give the shaap a dthrink too. 
 
 " ' Nonsinse,' ixclaimed the riverind man 
 at my side, ' he is takin' thim in to be killed 
 to-night for Monday's market, and a dthrink 
 will be of no use til thim, only for a little 
 while.' 
 
 " ' Faix, thin, yer riverince,' said I, ' if 
 yersilf weer goin-' to be slaughtered to 
 night, or if ye weer on yer dyin' bid, wud 
 ye think, whin the thirst of death was on 
 ye, that it was naadliss to haad yer suppli 
 cations for wather for yer parched mout, 
 because it's so little time ye'd faal the good 
 of it? Troth wud ye not, man; but ye'd 
 crave God's blissin' on the hand that raached 
 it til ye. Sorra a bit wud ye think it naad 
 liss thin.' 
 
 'It was ivident that the man wuth the 
 shaap (who overheard me) nit the force 
 of this appaal, for widout more ado he 
 wathered his shaap all round, and, och, it 
 ached the heart of me to see how graathily
 
 166 THE OLD MAN 
 
 the poor crathers dthrunk it down, and 
 how they licked the hands of the man in 
 saamin' gratitude for the favor. 
 
 " Well, as the riverind man and I rode on 
 thegither, he tould me that for the futhure I 
 wud do bether to attind til my own afleers, 
 and not throuble mysilf about the sufferins 
 of dumb animals. ' Bear your own th rou 
 bles, ould gintleman,' said he, 'and lave 
 ithers to bear theer's as they can.' 
 
 " ' The de'il be in me if I wull,' answered 
 I, [and the old man here straightened him 
 self to his full measure of six feet six.] 
 ' And is it yersilf that wud be axin me to do 
 it ? and you a praacher of that religion that 
 taaches mercy and tinderness! Och, thin, 
 I pity the paaple who have the likes of ye 
 for a laader; and it's a thousand times 
 bether stay at home ye had, than to go 
 about taachin' yer own silfishncss til the 
 paaple, whin, the Lord knows, they've no 
 lack of it widout ye. 
 
 " 'Why, man,' continued I, 'if we lived 
 neebors, and my dog, in my absence, wud 
 sometimes stand at yer table, lickin' Ins 
 jhaps for a moutful of maat, and ye wud
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 167 
 
 giv it til him, I wud faal the obligation as 
 if the same were done til mysilf. Well, 
 thin, the birds and bastes are all God's 
 craathers ; he shews his concern for thim in 
 providin' for theer faadin and coverin ; but 
 some of thim he has lift tit our care, because 
 he has subjected thim more ispecially til our 
 use. But the right to use, does not imply 
 the right to abuse thim no, nor to niglict 
 thim naather and himsilf will be theer 
 avinger, man, upon those who do thim 
 wrong in any manner. So good bye, and a 
 tinderer heart til ye.' " 
 
 There prevailed, during one of my so 
 journs in the old man's neighborhood, a 
 more than ordinary ado about religion ; 
 almost everybody in the parts seemed in 
 fected by it; night after night, be the 
 weather what it would, people came to 
 gether from considerable distances, and 
 until ten, eleven, and even twelve o'clock, 
 they would sing, pray, exhort and relate 
 experiences. That a majority of the actors 
 in such scenes are sincere for the time, per 
 haps, it were uncharitable to doubt. Never 
 theless, to affirm that pure and undefiled
 
 168 THE OLD MAN 
 
 religion is concerned in exhibitions so dis 
 cordant, and so revolting to the cultivated 
 moral sense, would be to pay her an unmer- 
 itedly low compliment, methinks. 
 
 Truth is, there is scarcely a rural neigh 
 borhood throughout our country that has 
 not, at one time or another, been the 
 scene of that sort of epidemic ; and if but 
 a tithe of the folks were really Chris 
 tians, that are reported to have been so 
 made at such times, then, in sooth, would 
 we be quite a Christian nation; and the 
 wonder then would be, how, by means so 
 repugnant to reason and the moral sense, 
 religion could accomplish results so salu 
 tary. 
 
 " Havn't you a word to say for Jesus, old 
 man ? " asked a leader of one of these meet 
 ings one evening, when all except our old 
 friend of the hill-side had rendered in their 
 experiences perhaps for the fiftieth time 
 during the reigning excitement. The leader 
 aforesaid was somewhat of a stranger to our 
 old friend, being from another settlement 
 some two or three townships removed. "A
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 169 
 
 sinner at your time of life," continued he, 
 " and not one word to say for Jesus ! " 
 
 "Why, thin," was the characteristic reply, 
 "if spaakin' for him's all that's naadful to 
 hilp on his cause, faix, words are chaap, 
 and they cost me no more nor the rist of ye. 
 But, belikes, Jaasus is not a ha'porth the 
 bether for all yer exparience-tillin afther all ; 
 and if he is n't, sure I know of nobody ilse 
 that is. Maybe if ye wud imitate him by goin' 
 about doin' good maybe if ye wud be maak 
 and gintle, and tinder-hearted visitin' the 
 fatherless and widder in theer affliction, and 
 kaapin yerselves unspotted from the world 
 maybe that wud be more til the purpose, 
 and be a bether proof of yeer baain the dis 
 ciples of Jaasus than all yer words will 
 amount to. 
 
 "Och, frinds, and haven't I listened til 
 ye for siveral avenins thegither, and have 1 
 heard iver a syllable from ye foment the 
 doin til ithers what ye wud that ithers shud 
 do til you? Have I heard one of ye ax 
 pardon of ithers for wrongs ye have done 
 them in past life? Has a single mither's 
 son of ye all, who may have defrauded yer 
 15
 
 170 THE OLD MAN 
 
 neebors in times gone by, offered to make 
 aminds til thim for the same? Sorra a thing 
 of the kind have I wutnessed i\o; but 
 ivery mither's son and daughter of ye says, 
 ' 1 am determined to save my precious sowl,' 
 ' I am hiwen bint and hivven bound,' ' I 
 faal that I have a title claar to mansions in 
 the sky,' and the like ; as if it was servin' 
 God ye weer by maarly lookin' to yer own 
 interests. 
 
 "Sure, frinds, it's altogether selfish yer 
 religion is it binifits none but yersilves, if 
 it does that. Glad wud I be to join ye in a 
 religion that wud promote paace and bri- 
 therly love aming us that wud laad us to 
 saak truth, and timperance, and honest 
 daalin wid each ither, and neeborly socia 
 bility, and the like virtues. But as to sav 
 ing the immorthal sowl, I lave that to him 
 who alone can do it I have no faars that 
 the God who gave my spirit til me will fail 
 to take care of it. My concern, frinds, is 
 to live well for the prisint the futhur I lave 
 wuth him." 
 
 To the afore-mentioned leader of the 
 meeting these sentiments seemed as the sum
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 171 
 
 of all error and impiety, boiled down to their 
 quintessence. To the rest of the audience, 
 however, who knew our friend better, they 
 seemed but as the characteristic utterances 
 of an honest heart, to which the every-day 
 life of the speaker faithfully corresponded. 
 For all agreed in regarding the old man of 
 the hill-side as a man of blameless rectitude 
 of character ; but devoid, nevertheless, of the 
 least spark of genuine religion. 
 
 In one of my visits to our old hill-side 
 acquaintance I drew from him a sketch of 
 his early history ; it was not entirely desti 
 tute of romantic interest, blunt and matter- 
 of-fact as he is in character. I will give 
 the sketch in our friend's own words, as it 
 would lose nearly all its charm in a version 
 of my own. 
 
 " I was maybe siventaan, or such mather, 
 and the regiment of horse to which my
 
 172 THE OLD MAN 
 
 father belonged was quarthered in a little 
 saaport town in ould Ireland, whin I wint 
 to tell my cousin, Kate McFarland, that the 
 throop was ordhered away till Quaabic, in 
 North Ameriky, and I had come to take my 
 lave of her perhaps foriver. 
 
 " I found her bare-futted, and saakin saa- 
 shills in the bed of a creek, that came in 
 and wint out wid the tide : the retraat of 
 tide lift its bed nearly dthry, and it was a 
 usual amusemint of the boys and girls of the 
 town to wade in at such times and saak 
 shills. 
 
 "Kate was but thirtaan thin; we had 
 always been viry close frinds ; many is the 
 time we had rambled thegither over mid- 
 dows kivered wid butter-cups and daisies ; 
 many a stroll along hedge-rows had we 
 taken, pickin haws and birries ; and we had 
 bird-nested too, thegither, over oft Och 
 poor little birdies ! over often for you ! But 
 it 's ying and innocent we thin' weer, and 
 naather of uz could till why we so loved 
 aach ither's company. But whin we came 
 to the lave-takin' whin 1 hurried away 
 wid few words to conraal my waapin' and
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 173 
 
 whin, lookin' behint me afther a bit, I saw 
 Kate sittin' by hersilf undher a hidge, wid 
 the skirt of her frock up til her eyes 
 och, thin, the heart of me! the heart of 
 me! 
 
 " Well, years passed. My father died at 
 Quaabic whin I was twinty ; I was thin 
 livin wid a farmer on the St. Lawrence 
 river who traated me cruelly, and whin my 
 father was a month or so buried, I rin 
 away, and crossed over intil the United 
 States. I knew before that I had a cousin 
 in Philadilphy, none liss than Kate's own 
 brither. whose father and mither had both 
 died since he and I had left ould Ireland, 
 and sorra a word had I heard what had be 
 come of poor Kate whin thus lift an orphan 
 and alone in the world. Naad I till ye that 
 I made my way immediately to my cousin 
 in Philadilphy 7 Faix, ye '11 know as much 
 widout tillin'. 
 
 "But it's a weary distance betwaan 
 Canada and Philadilphy to a frindless and 
 pinnyless boy. I'll not ache the heart of 
 ye by a datail of what I siffered on the 
 way. Whin pressed wid hunger, I wud big 
 15*
 
 174 THE OLD MAN 
 
 ft day's imploymint; but I niver axed for 
 bread, nor for inything in charity. I was 
 full three months raachin New York at that 
 rate, and from theer I wint in a sloop to 
 Philadilphy at half price, doin' work for 
 the ither half. 
 
 "Och, but my heart baat wid anxiety, 
 whin I came widin sight of the city; wheer- 
 about in it my cousin lived I did n't know; 
 I feared he maybe had moved away; or 
 had died; and many ither fancies came intil 
 my mind. Judge, thin, of my surprise and 
 plissure, whin, on steppin my fut on the 
 wharf, the virry man I sought was the first 
 to maat my eye ! I was not a moment in 
 graspin' his hand. 
 
 " ' Terrence McFarland ! ' said I, ' the 
 lang-ligged chap that addrisses ye, is yer 
 cousin Fathrick, ounly son of yer father's 
 brither, Friderick. It's mirrths he's been 
 on his way til ye, man. What say ye til 
 him? Wilcome, or no wilcome?' 
 
 "'Och, a thousand times wilcome!' re 
 sponded he ; ' wilcome as May-day flowers, 
 man, or, for that mather, as the virry light 
 of hiwen.' And he shuk my hand as
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 175 
 
 though he wud shake aff the shoulther of 
 me. 
 
 " Forth wutts we wint til his dwillin', 
 which was on Wather straat ; we enthered 
 through his little shop, wheer he kipt gro 
 ceries and provisions for sale; he pointed 
 my attintion til the chaases, rolls of but- 
 ther, herrins, smoked maat, barrels of bis 
 cuit, codfish, and tlie like. c Does this look 
 like starvin?' he axed. 'Divil a bit of it,' 
 I answered. ' Well, thin, make yersilf asy 
 on that score,' said he, ' and hilp me kaap 
 this shop, on such terms as we wull sittle 
 upon betwaan uz, until such time as ye can 
 find a chance to do bether.' Thus was I 
 at wince provided for. 
 
 " Of Terrence McFarland I learned, that 
 his sisther Kate, afther the death of her 
 parents, was taken in- and fosthered by a 
 wealthy ould barristher of the town, who, 
 as he had never been married, and had few 
 connexions that he cared inythin' for, pur 
 posed to educate, and do for her as for a 
 daughther. ' Och, thin,' thought I, ' it 's 
 far beyont me she wull faal hersilf now.' 
 And so, by degraas, I taught mysilf to think
 
 176 THE OLD MAN 
 
 of her as a swaat draam of my early life 
 a baam of sunshine in my youthful sky a 
 sthray note from win of the harps of hiv- 
 ven trilling on the heart-cords of my boy 
 hood. But now lost to me foriver. And 
 many was the day of saacret graif, and 
 night of waapin, that I experienced on that 
 same account Faix, ying man, if it's in 
 love ye 've ever been, ye '11 not naad tellin' 
 how tinder it makes the heart of ye. 
 
 "In 1819 the yillow faver prevailed in 
 the district of Philadilphy that included our 
 shop and residence, and aming the earliest 
 of its victims was my poor cousin Terrence. 
 Words would faably tell how I bemoaned 
 him ; we had lived four years thegither wid 
 niver an angry thought or spaach betwanu 
 uz. Whin I bought this farm, I had his 
 body removed from the Potter's l-'aild. 
 where 1 was forced by the city authorities 
 to bury it, and it now lies aming the copse 
 of chisnuts in the far corner of my rye-faild, 
 yonder. Mine shall lie theer wid it in due 
 time. 
 
 " Well, it now behooved me to write to 
 my cousin Kate; for she was Terrence's
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 177 
 
 only heir. Maan while, evints had been 
 workin' on that side the wather to drive her 
 off til Amiraky. 
 
 "It saams her kind frind the barristher 
 had for a cook a virry artful and schaamin 
 crathur of a wuman; and her daughther 
 (nearly Kate's age) was as wicked and 
 sly as the mither. What shud they do, but 
 make it up betwaan thim to make Kate 
 belaive, that the paaple of the town suspi- 
 cioned her of livin wid the barristher as his 
 mistress ! 
 
 "Poor Kate niver wince doubted that 
 such was really the prevailin' suspicion it 
 struck her as a virry likely thing and she 
 took hersilf to task for not havin' antici 
 pated such a result before. Her virtuous 
 pride was aroused; she wud free hersilf 
 from that suspicious position as soon as pos 
 sible that she wud. 
 
 " Consequintly, she seized the earliest 
 opportunity of tellin' the barristher that cir 
 cumstances demanded her prisence in Amir 
 aky, and axin' his permission to go theer 
 imraadiately. The ould gintleman was 
 thunderstruck for, do ye mind, she kipt
 
 178 THE OLD MAN 
 
 the real cause a sacret from him he remon 
 strated pointed out the difficulties of the 
 undertakin' its dangers and, last of all, 
 his own advanced age, and faable hilth. 
 But all wud not do. Go she wud ; and he 
 had, from the first, allowed her to have her 
 own way in iverythin'. He was, therefore, 
 forced to yield til her intraaties, and furnish 
 her the necessary funds for the voyage. 
 
 " Well, I was sittin' alone in my shop 
 win day, wid my head laanin' on my hand, 
 thinkin' of poor Terrence, who was thin 
 two waaks in his grave, whin the carrier 
 brought in a litter, post-marked New York, 
 addressed to Terrence McFarland. My sur 
 prise was as if God's lightnin' had claved 
 the ground undther me, whin, on openin' 
 and raadin' it, I found it to be from Kate, 
 who had arrived in that city, and wushed 
 her brither, of whose death she was ignorant, 
 to go on and conduct her to Philadilphy ! 
 
 "Och, but I thought my heart wud milt 
 wid waapin' afther the raadin' of that litter. 
 Joy and sorrow, plissure and graif, mingled 
 thegither, and I that avenin' visited the 
 Potter's faild in the moonlight, and filt as if
 
 OF THh HILL-SIDE. 179 
 
 I had a paice of intelligence for my slaipin' 
 partner theer, which wud be good news til 
 him aven in his grave. The intinsity of 
 my graif had enfaabled my undtherstandin' 
 for the time. 
 
 " I wull not attimpt to describe my inter 
 view wid my cousin Kate how we wipt 
 thegither, and dwilt on the virtues of the 
 dccaased brither. Pass all that. Tin 
 months rolled by, durin' which (as I afther- 
 ward learned for she had not informed me 
 of the circumstance that had induced her to 
 lave Ireland) she recaived thraa litters from 
 the ould barristher, urgin' her return, and 
 tillin' how faable his hilth had become ; and 
 two from the artful cook and her daugh- 
 ther, which abounded wid false accounts of 
 the scandalous gossip that was circulatin' 
 foment her and the barristher aming the 
 townsfolk. 
 
 "At lingth she shewed me a last littei 
 from the ould gintleman, in which he threat 
 ened to cut her off from all bequists in his 
 will, and to transfare the same til the cook's 
 daughther, ixcipt she immediately returned. 
 No sooner had I read this than I saw
 
 180 THE OLD MAN 
 
 through the whole schaam of those wnmin 
 at wince. I blamed her for not havin ; lit 
 me intil the sacret before and urged her 
 return wid all the spaad she could make. 
 
 " Mysilf accompanied her; the voyage to 
 Belfast occupied twinty-nine days; from 
 thince to the aforemintioned saaport town 
 we weer four days additional, by raason of 
 stage-coach delays. Kate rushed at wince 
 to the barristher's house, and raached his 
 bedside just in time to see him braathe his 
 last! 
 
 " Whin the will was read she found her- 
 silf cut aff wid one hundred pounds, and 
 the bulk of the poor decaived old gin tic- 
 man's fortune was lift til the cook's daugh- 
 ther! 
 
 "What thin? Wull ye suspicion now 
 that Providince favors the guilty, and laaves 
 the virtuous unbefrinded? Faix, thin, it's 
 a misjudgin' of the justice of Hiwen it wud 
 be to conclude so. Kate and I (for ye'll 
 anticipate that we bacame win in holy 
 bonds) niver invied the artful craathers 
 their ill-gotten wilth nor had we naad. 
 They weer so despised in theer neeborhood,
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 181 
 
 we afterwards learned, that they weer corn- 
 pi lied to remove their risidince to ither parts 
 wheer theysipposed they wud be unknown. 
 Theer they sit thimsilves ip for gintlefolk, 
 but their ignorance and vulgarity of man 
 ners betrayed thirn for what they weer, and 
 they soon fell into contimpt and mglict. 
 This is the last we heard of thim. 
 
 " As for Kate and I, we had our tribblea 
 too ; but whin the sunshine of conscience is 
 not darkened by aavil clouds, all tribbles 
 may be pretty aasily borne. 
 
 "We immadiately returned to Philadil- 
 phy, but wid no taste for continuin' in the 
 business in which her brither and me had 
 been engaged. I theerfore sold out our 
 stores of groceries and provisions, and came 
 hither and bought this paice of ground. It 
 was naarly all kivered wid traas thin ; but 
 we got it chaap, and my ixparience, whin 
 a boy, wid the St. Lawrence farmer, had 
 taught me to claar away wuds pratty 
 aasily. 
 
 " Well, aven these wuds, sparsely popu 
 lated as they weer, afforded us new insights 
 intil human nature ; and ispicially did we 
 16
 
 182 THE OLD MAN 
 
 git Jissons on the value of outward profu 
 sions of religion, which weer of use til uz. 
 Paaple in the wuds know each ither mich 
 better nor do paaple in crowded cities ; they 
 have more daalins wid aach ither, and more 
 neeborly naad of aach ither's assistance, in 
 the former nor in the latther. 
 
 " It was autumn whin we arrived here, 
 and we had naad of iverythin' in the way 
 of provision for the winter, ixcipt a few 
 articles we brought wid uz of our shop 
 stores. So I first wint til a Musther Gul- 
 phin, who had a large farm and great 
 abundance of iverythin', and who, besides, 
 made great pretensions to piety, insomuch 
 that he praached for the wuds paaple whin 
 theer rigular praacher didn't serve thim. 
 In addition to all he was a country-nun of 
 my own. 
 
 "Musther Gulphin," said I, " wull ye 
 lind a naady neebor a few bushels of rye, 
 and a few of paraatees, until he raaps his 
 nixt simmir's harvest, whin he'll repay ye 
 wid interest?" 
 
 "'Indaad I'll do nothin' of the soort,' 
 said he, ' nothin' but goold can make me
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 183 
 
 part wid the fruits of my labor. If it's 
 naady of food ye are, sure theer are many 
 ithers like ye, in the world, and it isn't 
 raason that I can hilp thim all.' 
 
 " ' Do ye hilp inny of thim?' I axed; and 
 his only reply was to lave the room in 
 anger and not return til it. So that I was 
 fain to lave also, which I did as impty as I 
 wint. 
 
 " My nixt recoorse was til an ould class- 
 laader, who, nixt to Musther Gulphin, was 
 most likely of inny to have the maans of 
 hilpin' me, and, to jidge by his professions, 
 the wull to do it also. I made the same 
 proposal til him as til the ither. He listened 
 til it wid a gracious smile and said he wud 
 accommodate me. ' But my ter-rms are, in 
 such cases,' said he, 'to require thraa bush 
 els returned for ivery two I lind, provided 
 the articels be aqually good ; and if they are 
 infarior, why I take as mich more as wull 
 make ip the differ.' 
 
 "'Faix, thin,' I answered, 'I'll not be 
 likely to tribble ye farder ixcipt it's starvin' 
 I am ;' and I returned to my cabin wid a 
 nivvy heart, and a sorry opinion of the
 
 184 THE OLD MAN 
 
 paaple of thase wuds. { For if the two hist 
 Christians aniing ye are tlms could-hearted 
 and graspin',' thought I, 'what must the 
 lave of ye be !' 
 
 " I had scarcely raached home, howiver, 
 ere two neebors came til my cabin and 
 anither on the same irrand the nixt day 
 who offered, of theer own accord, to lind us 
 iverythin' we wanted in the way of provis 
 ion, and to take an aqual missure in return 
 whin my craps should come in. Och, but 
 it gladded the heart of me to be so agraaibly 
 undecaived in respict to my neebors, and I 
 was riddy, at the moment may God for 
 give me if I was wrang! to ixpriss my 
 thankfulniss that those wuds contained 
 some paaple who had not been born again ! 
 
 " Yes, faix, who had not been born again ; 
 for, simhow or anither, it has chanced til me 
 to find more sympathy and hilp in ivery 
 time of naad from such, than from those 
 who profiss to be new craathers in Christ, 
 and to be in possession of a sure tithel to 
 hivvenly bliss in a futhur world. 
 
 " And yit, my frind, it is not religion that 
 I wud be scornin' or misdonbtin' ; I wud as
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 186 
 
 sot n tiling of scornin' the right path til my 
 home, because I have mistaken ithers for it 
 ere now and been decaived. As well might 
 I scorn a real rimidy for disase, because 
 sim have been made worse by trustin' til 
 quack nostrums. But in this decaivin' 
 world, my frind, religion is too oftin found 
 lackin in those who profiss to be full of it, 
 and to abound in the timpers and acts of 
 ithers, who, in the world's opinion, are 
 imply of it intirely. Theer is one All- 
 searchin' Eye, which is niver decaived in 
 these matthers ; we shud act always wid a 
 riferince to that, and faal contint if its scra- 
 teny of our hearts deticts theer no sintimint, 
 at variance wid our obligations to God and 
 to mankind." 
 
 "Eschew invy, Tarn, as ye wud the 
 devil," said our old friend of the hill-side, 
 " for to spaak Christian trute, and to daal 
 16*
 
 186 THE OLD MAN 
 
 in honest plainness wid ye, Tarn as my 
 relationship on yer mither's side warrants 
 me I percaive that to that same invy ye 
 are much inclined, and that it is makin a 
 bigger simpleton of ye than ye are by nathur, 
 which is altogither naadliss." 
 
 This was to his nephew, Tom Voodree ; 
 of which name there were two in the parts. 
 The owner of one lived on a farm by itself 
 in the midst of the forest, and was therefore 
 distinguished by the old man as " Tarn of 
 the wuds." The other owned a grist-mill, 
 an<* small bottom-land farm, on a consider 
 able stream in the open country ; and was 
 therefore distinguished from the other by 
 the cognomen of " Tarn of the well." It is 
 with him of the mill that the old man is 
 now having to do. A hopeful subject he ; 
 who was always very pious when he was 
 not very drunk ; yet, as the community of 
 that settlement was almost wholly made up 
 of his father's family, uncles, aunts, cousins, 
 &c., who also composed nearly the entire 
 church in the place, his frequent backslid- 
 ings were connived at, and he told as good 
 an experience in the class-meeting as the 
 best.
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 187 
 
 "And it's called to be a praacher ye 
 think ye are, Tarn ! And it's sorely con 
 science-bound ye are to haad the call, it 
 saams. No doubt ye are. But it's pricious 
 little haad ye've given to the oft-repaated 
 call to forsake yer whesky-bottle, and to 
 attind til yer business, and to pay yer dibts. 
 It 's maybe not so plissant a thing, the lat 
 ter, as to mount yer horse and ride frim 
 place to place, spindin' yer life in rantin' 
 and psalm-singing ? Well, Tarn, how it 
 may plaise the Loord to rigulate his choice 
 of min for praachers, I pretind not to know ; 
 but I know that if I weer the masther of a 
 nimber of servants, and naaded win of thim 
 for an important paice of business, I wud 
 choose for that same win who had proved 
 himsilf faitful in ither matthers in which I 
 had imployed him. Divil a bit wud I be 
 for pickin out win that had always proved 
 himself an idle and unscrupulous fillow. 
 Not a bit of it. 
 
 "And, Tarn, if it's for a praacher God 
 intended ye, sure its little that nathur could 
 have known of that same whin she made 
 ye, or she wud not have so niglicted the
 
 188 THE OLD MAN 
 
 furnishin' of yer upper story it's naithei 
 mitch brain she has given ye, man, nor 
 room for mitch. True, ye have a big troat, 
 and can cry oysters at naad, or drive oxen, 
 or be a town crier, or the masther of an 
 apple-cart. But to praach, man Well, 
 whin I bethink me, I don't know but ye 
 maybe have all the qualification ye naad 
 a big troat will serve ye bether nor a big 
 brain for the paaple wid whom ye '11 have 
 to do. Ye can bawl lustily, Tarn, and that 
 will be the chaif of yer naad in yer new 
 capacity." 
 
 This dealing with his hopeful nephew 
 was rather ouer-plain, I thought ; I like free 
 speech, when it really is such and nothing 
 more ; but it must not degenerate into 
 abuse, and seek for itself the shelter of a 
 softer name. I so expressed myself to our 
 old friend as we proceeded together toward 
 his residence, which, from that of " Tarn of 
 the well," was distant some three miles or 
 more. I farther remarked to our blunt old 
 friend, that I feared he had taken up the 
 hackneyed outcry against the Christian min 
 istry in general, which in different ages had
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 189 
 
 so prevailed amongst skeptical scoffers, and 
 demagogues in the cause of reform. 
 
 " Maybe I am a bit riffer on my tongue 
 than I faal in my heart," said he, "and, 
 touchin' the praisthood, I maybe faal nin too 
 mitch good- will foment it ; nivertheliss, I 
 am not of thim who denounce it altogether 
 not by inny maans. Och, but havn't I 
 wipt taars over the story of the Dairyman's 
 Daughther? And havn't I blissed in the 
 heart of me a Haber, and a Finelan, and an 
 Oberlin, who so honored theer profission 
 by doin' the works of their masther aming 
 min ? Faix have I. 
 
 "But for such genuine ministers of reli 
 gion, minny is the dyin' pillow that wud 
 go unsmoothed minny a heart-ach, from 
 graif and beraavement, wud go unhaaled 
 minny a tinder spirit, overburthened 'wid 
 remorse, wud go uncomforted. In this silf- 
 ish world, wheer aach of uz is peersuin' his 
 own inds, we naad a class of min for thase 
 spicial offices, in whose bosoms baats the 
 big heart of the Saviour, ful of benivolint 
 yearnins toward the opprissed, the broken-
 
 190 THE OLD MAN 
 
 hearted, the frindless, the niglicted by the 
 world, and the like. 
 
 "But, on the ither hand; for ful twinty 
 years these wuds have been rigularly visited 
 by praachers ; zillous min they have most 
 of thim been ; they have kirn til uz through 
 thick and thin. But what thin ? Do they 
 inquire who of uz are sick 7 who beraaved 1 
 who in naad of bread ? who suflerin' 
 wid remorse ? What discords require to be 
 haaled? What waak hearts naad bracin' 
 wid the voice of incouragemint ? What 
 unsteady son or daughther naads to be 
 stringthined agin' timptation 1 Och, nothin* 
 of all this. A Paul, plaadin' wid a Phile 
 mon, in behalf of a repintent Onisimus, wud 
 be a heart-traat nowadays that wud make 
 uz think that the premitive times of the 
 gospil had kim back til uz. 
 
 " And, thin, theer prachin', the main part 
 of it, what relation exists betwaan its topics 
 and man's prissent good? Sorra a ha'porth 
 that I can percaive. They'll ixplain some 
 mysterious tixt, maybe ; and the same wul 
 naad re-ixplainin' by the time anither kirns 
 along. They'll tache uz who Milchisedic
 
 OF THE HILL-SJDE. 191 
 
 was, and divil the wiser will we be on that 
 head afther all. They'll open the siven 
 saals in Rivelation til uz, and ixplain all its 
 smoke, and brimstone, and locusts, and 
 scorpions, and siven-headed baasts; and 
 whin they are done, all will be as much fog 
 til uz as iver. They'll till us on what 
 terms God will sill his favor til uz ; and at 
 the same time will til that his grace is fraa 
 and unpurchased. They'll ripresint the 
 Almighty as all love and goodness, widout 
 variableniss or the shadow of turnin' ; and 
 yit till uz that we niver can have his good 
 will on our side ixcipt we pray, and ago 
 nize, and faal oursilves to be writches unde- 
 servin' his mercy, and only fit to be burnt 
 in hell ; and, afther all, if we can coox him 
 to be pitiful toward uz in the laast, it will 
 be for Jaasus' sake alone, and not at all for 
 ours." 
 
 We were now far on our way toward our 
 old friend's residence; we had arrived at a 
 part of the road which runs through a grove 
 of gigantic maples, thinly interspersed with 
 birches and hemlocks, and such continued 
 its character for a quarter of a mile or so.
 
 192 THE OLD MAN 
 
 The road is more broadly cut out there than 
 it is usual for roads to be in those woods ; 
 yet, from the unfrequency of travel thereon, 
 it was velvety under foot with the rich pro 
 fusion of grass which spontaneously clothed 
 it ; and all the richer in its hue and softness 
 was that green carpeture, for being shel 
 tered from the direct heat of the sun by 
 those o'ershadowing maples. 
 
 It wanted an hour or so of sun-setting, 
 and the day was one of those in early June 
 rare in our rigorous clime when, to every 
 thing that lives, mere existence is felt to be 
 a luxury. The little birds were either hard 
 to please with the tunes they tried, or too 
 heart-full of joy to finish any that they 
 begun. The branches of those magnificent 
 trees met and interlaced overhead, and we 
 walked as under the vaulted roof of a far- 
 extending cathedral, or under a lofty colon 
 nade of nature's own buildingi But neither 
 under cathedral roofs nor colonnades is it 
 usual for fountains to gush forth, and squir 
 rels to chirp and exhibit their gymnastics, 
 as they did under ours. And the gently- 
 stirring air was so soft ! so freighted with
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 193 
 
 aromr. : It was as if angels were invisibly 
 fanning our faces *dth their wings, and 
 soothing our senses as with odors from 
 heaven. 
 
 We had neither of us broken silence while 
 passing through this beautiful avenue, nor, 
 till we had left it far behind us, and were 
 emerging into the cleared country, did our 
 old friend, usually so quarrelous, find his 
 tongue, and he then broke forth in apparent 
 continuation of where he had last left off. 
 
 " ' Procure the favor of God ! ' . As if it 
 was a grudge he had agin uz, all the time 
 that he is smilin' upon uz so plissantly, in 
 his sun by day, and his moon and stars by 
 night. Is it decaivin' uz he is, thin, whin 
 he pours upon uz his sunbaams, and sprids, 
 as he does now, the cloudliss face of hivven 
 over uz 1 And are we to doubt him all the 
 while that he is spaakin' the music of paace 
 til the heart, in the voices of birds, and 
 brooklets, and murmurin' braazes, which 
 so tranquillize the spirit whin it is riffled 
 wid the stormy passions and competitions 
 of silfish life? Och, but it's not myself 
 that can misdoubt all thuse claar tokens. 
 17
 
 194 THE OLD MAN 
 
 I could sooner renounce belaif in inny and 
 iverythin' man has written, and aven in the 
 printed documents of our religion thim- 
 silves. For the last may have kim til uz 
 wid minny corruptions and false rinderins ; 
 but God's imprinted book is frishly opened 
 til uz ivery night and mornin' ; and we 
 riaad no note nor commint to hilp uz un- 
 dtherstand, that, in spite of all our unde- 
 servins, it's still our faitful and unchanging 
 frind the Author of that blissed volume for- 
 iver continues to be." 
 
 The cleared country of which I spoke 
 comprises ten or a dozen farms, of which the 
 old man's is one ; the latter is on the outer 
 edge of the clearing, and is bounded by an 
 extensive tract of wilderness, which is unal 
 tered from its primeval state, save by 
 dimly-discernible foot-prints, and by slight 
 abrasions on here and there the bark of a 
 tree, as a means of guidance to those who 
 have need of traversing it The sun had 
 entirely set, 
 
 " And twilight gray 
 
 Had in her sober livery all things clad," 
 
 as we passed the copse of chestnuts which
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 195 
 
 overshadow Terrence McFarland's grave. 
 I noticed that the old man but with the 
 least possible ostentation, mind you, for 
 such was his character walked with head 
 uncovered past that sacred spot, and as 
 reverently as would a Catholic past the 
 shrine of a saint. 
 
 Arrived at the cabin, Kate received us 
 with a welcoming smile, and placed a chair 
 for each of us, which she dusted off with 
 her apron; not that it stood in any such 
 need, but to gratify the desire natural to a 
 loving heart, to be constantly doing some 
 thing for somebody. We had -eaten our 
 supper, and were seated, for coolness' sake, 
 on a small piece of grassy sward before the 
 door, when the old man (who, I found, 
 was much given to reverie) again broke out 
 on the theme which had last engaged our 
 conversation, and with as much abruptness 
 as though nothing had intervened mean 
 while. 
 
 " No, indaad," said he, " man may make 
 a foe of himsilf he may sink himsilf in his 
 own just estaam but his God is still, and 
 unchangeably, love toward him. Con-
 
 l ( JO THE OLD MAN 
 
 science lies coiled widin him like a rattle 
 snake harmliss till thrampled on whin 
 he approaches forbidden limits she gives 
 her premonitory rattle ; if that is not haaded, 
 and he procaads to ixecute his avil designs, 
 she thin darts her vinemous fang intil his 
 soul, and a foul disaase is transfused troo- 
 out the same which nothin' but hivvenl* 
 grace can counteract. 
 
 " Frim hincefort his own avil shadde 
 stands iver betwaan God and his perciptions 
 he jidges of his Maker by himsilf as if 
 the brightniss of the sun could be jidged of 
 by lookin' at it troo a paicc of smoked 
 glass he imputes to the Daily his <>\v!. 
 anger, jillousy, revingefulniss, mutability, 
 waakniss, favooriteisrn, and iverything of 
 the soort ; and his craad is shaped accord 
 ingly. Listen til what the craad taaches, 
 and ye '11 belaive that Hivven is betthor 
 plaiscd wid thim that can raad riddles, and 
 yaild an aasy cradince to whativer is pit 
 down til thim frim the pulpit, than wid 
 thim who love to be useful and benivolent. 
 The former are the wins that are to shine 
 bnghtest in the firmamint afther they are
 
 OF THE HILL-SIDE. 197 
 
 dead. And, faix, they ought to shine sim- 
 wheer, for little is the light the most of thim 
 have shid on earth. 
 
 " Since we have lived in thase wuds, 
 Kate and I have communed mitch on thase 
 subjects ; we ask no minister's laave to 
 think as we plaase fornint thim, and We 
 have long since caased to belaave the child 
 ish fancy, that the Daity missures out his 
 goodwill toward his rational offspring by 
 the amount of their credulity. In thase 
 thinly paapled wuds we injoy our opinions 
 in quiet ; and whin we go hince, our trust 
 is in God's mercy that our bodies will rist 
 nin the liss quietly theer for unther the 
 chisnut copse, nor our spirits be liss paace- 
 ful in the bosom of him who gave thim. 
 
 " This, frind. is more of the ould man's 
 craad than he has iver gratified human curi 
 osity wid before. Lit uz up and in til the 
 house, for the avenin' dews are descindin' 
 on uz more plintifully than will be for our 
 hilth." 
 
 17*
 
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 Adventures oi 
 Elder 
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