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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 AT LOS ANGELES
 
 THE COxMPLETE WORKS 
 
 OF 
 
 Henry Fielding, Esq. 
 
 THE NOVELS IN SEVEN VOLUMES 
 
 THE PLAYS AND POEMS IN FIVE VOLUMES 
 
 THE LEGAL WRITINGS IN ONE VOLUME 
 
 THE MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS IN THREE VOLUMES 
 
 COMPLETE IN SIXTEEN VOLUMES 
 
 With an Essay ou the Life, Genius and Achievement 
 of the Author, by 
 
 WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY, LL.D. 
 
 V(^LUME FIFTEEN 
 Miscellaneous Weitings II 
 
 726S 4
 
 lliis edition of the complete wntings of Henry Fielding 
 is limited to 375 immhcrcd copies for Great Britain, of 
 which 25 copies are printed on Dutch hand -viade paper, icith 
 additional illustrations. 
 
 ^5^ 
 
 ya,' 
 
 >"««««. 
 
 This is Copy No...'LM...|
 
 Copi^Tl^htJ9di. itj CrotMip a SUTliTLa CS 
 
 J^h€Uer, pir) X
 

 
 Sarah Jennings, Duchess of Marlborough (1660-1744). 
 
 From an original portrait by Sir Godfrey Kneller in the Gallery at Alihorp-

 
 iPRINTED BV CROSCUP AND STERLING, NEW YORK, U.S.A.
 
 The Complete Works of 
 HENRY FIELDING, ESQ. 
 
 With an Essay on the Life, Genius and Achievement of the Author, 
 
 by 
 
 WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY, LL.D. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS 
 WRITINGS 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES 
 
 VOL. TWO 
 
 Illustrated with 
 
 Reproductions of Rare Contemporary Drawings 
 
 and Portraits 
 
 ^ u 1 o ^ 
 
 LONDON 
 WILLIAM tlEINEMANN 
 1903 
 
 1 If 
 1 i 1 

 
 *.«i L (. *■ i. ^ *. 
 V t t c t t c 
 
 « * * ^ 4.C 
 
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 3089
 
 V.I 5 
 
 p. 
 
 COISTTENTS 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS, VOL. II. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 A FtJix Vindication of Hee Grace the Duchess Dowager of 
 
 Marlborough 5 
 
 The Vernoniad 35 
 
 Philosophical Transactions for the yeae 1742-3 ... 61 
 
 Articles in the Champion 75 
 
 A Proper Answer to a Scurrilous Libel .... 343 
 
 C^lia : or, The Perjured Lover : 1733 365 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 1
 
 i
 
 LIST OF ILLXJSTEATIONS 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS, VOL. II. 
 
 Sarah Jennings, Duchess of Marlborough (1660-1744) 
 
 Frontispiece 
 
 From an original portrait hy Sir Godfrey Kneller in the 
 
 Gallery at Althorp. 
 
 The first Duchess of that name and the wife of the great military 
 commander. She was a woman of splendid mental attainments, 
 but headstrong, imperious and apparently shrewish. Her career 
 was marked by bitter quarrels with various statesmen and party 
 leaders. In 1742 an article appeared, attributed to Samuel John- 
 son, attacking the " Terrible Old Sarah." which among other 
 rejoiners evoked a "Vindication" by Fielding. The latter's 
 friendship may have been sincerely enlisted for her because of his 
 father's military services under the Duke. But their personal re- 
 lations are only a matter of surmise. 
 
 Admiral Edward Vernon (1684-1757) 40 
 
 From an Old Engraving. 
 
 A famous admiral, the second son of James Vernon, Secretary of 
 State under William III. He entered the navy in his sixteenth 
 year, becoming lieutenant at eighteen. As vice-admiral in 1739, 
 he commanded an expedition to the West Indies, against Spain. 
 With a fleet of only six ships he captured Porto Belle, which vic- 
 tory made him a popular idol. This victory prompted the publi- 
 cations of the Venioniad, an anonymous burlesque Epic, later 
 proven to be Fielding's. Vernon was elected to Parliament, but 
 continued his naval operations until disputes with the land com- 
 m.anders led him to resign in 1745. 
 
 Ben Jonson (1573-1637) 224 
 
 Eminent English dramatist and friend of Shakespeare. In youth 
 he was a brickmaker. As a young man he served with distinction 
 in the campaign in the Lev Countries. His schooling was irreg- 
 ular, but on returning from the wars he became connected with 
 the stage. Every Man in His Humor was acted in 1598. Folpone 
 and The Alchemist are among his best plays. He strove for classic 
 models and for the expulsion of romanticism. He became poet- 
 laureate and was pensioned in 1616.
 
 A FULL YINDIOATION 
 
 OF 
 
 HEE GEAOE 
 
 THE DUCHESS DOWAGER 
 
 OF 
 
 MAELBOEOUGH
 
 A FULL VINDICATION 
 
 OF 
 
 HER GRACE THE DUCHESS DOWAGER 
 
 OF 
 
 MARLBOROUGH 
 
 My Lord, 
 
 Whether the piece I shall endeavour to answer was your 
 own performance, or whether it was written on your com- 
 mand, by one of that scribbling gang, which the disbanding 
 
 Mr. P ton's late regiment of gazetteers hath cast destitute 
 
 on the public, I need not determine? In either case, you are 
 entitled to my answer ; which, however, you have not so much 
 reason to be startled at, as you may Justly apprehend: for 
 I do not intend to imitate you in invective, and shall abstain 
 from any other reflections than those I shall make on your 
 remarks, and which are necessary to refute the groundless 
 slanders you endeavour to throw on an innocent and injured 
 character. 
 
 The observation with which you set out is strictly true; 
 nay your whole letter is one continued flagrant example of it. 
 You say, ' 
 
 " It has been often observed that it is extremely hard to 
 form a just notion of the characters of mankind, from those 
 who are personally interested in either justifying or blacken- 
 ing them. In this country, where party is so prevalent, that 
 no person can be supposed to be indifferent with regard to 
 public characters and transactions, this observation holds per- 
 haps more strictly just than any other; and time alone must 
 
 7
 
 8 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 discover the motives of many actions, and the true colours of 
 many characters, which are now seen through the false glare 
 that passion or prejudice throws upon them." 
 
 It was from this party-prejudice you mention, and the 
 falsehood it daily propagates, that the Duchess of Marlborough 
 was induced to publish an apology for a conduct, which ap- 
 pears so truly great and worthy the highest applause; and it 
 is this prejudice alone which could instigate any one to at- 
 tempt to sally and blacken a character, which that apology 
 hath placed in so amiable a light, that a very impartial 
 reader declared to me on perusing it ; " Why, if this be true, 
 the Duchess of Marlborough is one of the best as well as 
 greatest women ever born." 
 
 If the course of her own justification hath unavoidably 
 led her grace to expose some others in disadvantageous colours, 
 I am convinced she was sorry for it; but sure it is a new 
 doctrine, and something unreasonable, that the innocent 
 must suffer, rather than the guilty should be blamed. I am 
 certain she hath nowhere departed from delicacy, as you 
 accuse her; and I am as well convinced, she had not deviated 
 from truth. Her facts appear most of them in letters from 
 the parties themselves; which hath been always accounted 
 the best and most certain kind of history; and which, while 
 the originals remain, must be always allowed to be undeniable 
 evidence. 
 
 But indeed your opinion of history is pretty singular; 
 for you say, " Even the high station and character of the au- 
 thoress ought to give an alarm to your lordship's caution; 
 for the greater opportunities her grace had of knowing, the 
 more deeply must we suppose her to be interested in acting, 
 and therefore the more solicitous in vindicating or bla- 
 ming, according as it may set her own conduct in the fairest, 
 and that of her enemies in the most disadvantageous light." 
 So that it seems the higher any person's station and char- 
 acter is, the lower is their credit, and the more they know 
 of any transaction, the less capable are they of recording it. 
 
 Your lordship is pleased to proceed thus : As to the first 
 reason of her grace's ascendancy over the Princess of Den-
 
 DUCHESS DOWAaJJK OF MARLBOROUGH 9 
 
 mark, (viz. their playing together when at school) "it en- 
 tirely rests upon her grace's own word, that the daughter of 
 
 Mrs. J gs, who, if we believe the common report 
 
 * * * had but a * * * very narrow fortune, was 
 admitted to so much familiarity with a princess of so strict 
 and delicate an education, as that which Princess Anne 
 received." 
 
 What you would have the reader supply in the place of these 
 asterisks, 1 cannot guess. You are pleased to call her grace's 
 veracity in question; and, if I mistake not, would insinuate 
 that Miss Jennings had some levity in her character, which 
 rendered her unfit for the company of so strict and delicate a 
 l^rincess; indeed the same reason is given a little afterwards, 
 for Lady Clarendon's dislike to her. Black and detestable 
 malice! Why did you not assert that her grace was never 
 her lady of the bed-chamber? A fact not less notorious, and 
 which the same false insinuations would have better sup- 
 ported, unless the princess had very early quitted that strict- 
 ness and delicacy of her education: for surely the same 
 blemishes which would have rendered Miss Jennings, when 
 a girl, an improper companion for the princess, would have 
 made her, when a woman, very unfit to fill the post of a lady 
 of the bedchamber ; nor would the prudent Countess of Claren- 
 don, then first lady of the bedchamber, have consented to her 
 admission. But this is indeed the first time, that any enemy 
 of her grace hath had the impudence to insinuate the least 
 hint of such a nature. 
 
 As to the characters of Lady Clarendon, and the Princess 
 of Denmark, I have nothing to say. Her grace seems to dravc 
 a lively picture of the former ; and the latter hath, in her let- 
 ters, drawn her own. 
 
 But your lordship seems to have forgotten some passages in 
 the book you are criticising on, when you affirm, that " As 
 her grace has been pleased to give us no manner of insight 
 into that part of the character of her royal mistress, which 
 wrought this prodigious alteration in her confidence, and no 
 other account of the fact, but that she was wormed out by an 
 upstart favourite, who was in every respect infinitely below
 
 10 A FULL VINDICATION OF TEE 
 
 her grace; the world is at liberty to make its own conjec- 
 tures." 
 
 Surely, my lord, this is not the only account we have from 
 the duchess, who hath shewn us her disgrace (if an honest, 
 upright and faithful servant dismissed, may be said to be 
 disgraced) was owing to the arts of a designing politician, 
 a great master of his profession, assisted (if you please) 
 by an upstart favourite, the more dangerous as the least 
 suspected; to her mistress's violent inclination to the Tories, 
 perhaps Jacobites, and in favour of some schemes not neces- 
 sary here to mention, as some of their effects have been too 
 fatally felt, and the intention of others plainly and undenia- 
 bly known. 
 
 I shall take no other notice of that on which your lordship 
 hath been pleased to throw away so much of your time and 
 paper, I mean the duchess's assertion concerning my Lord 
 Clarendon, than that, what the bishop says on his proposing 
 to have King James send to Breda, agrees better with her 
 grace's account of his having advised the sending him to the 
 tower, than with the reasons for which you have it believed 
 impossible for any man in liis senses to have given such 
 advice. Your words are " It is sufficient to observe, that 
 the consultation which her grace mentions to have been held 
 at Windsor, was held at so critical a time that no man in 
 his senses could be supposed to have given such an advice. 
 For King James by that time had returned to London for 
 Feversham, and remained at Wliitehall. And to use Bishop 
 Burnet's own words, " All the indignation which the people 
 of London had formerly conceived against him was turned 
 into pity and compassion. Even the privy-council, in whose 
 hands the executive part of the government appears at that 
 time to ^ have been looked upon him to be as much their 
 king as ever; and, continues the bishop, as he came back 
 through the city he was welcomed with signs of joy by great 
 numbers. The Earl of Clarendon then must be supposed to 
 have been void of common sense, if while this disposition of 
 
 ^ Burnet's ffist. of His Own Times, Vol. I, p. 799.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 11 
 
 the people continued, he advised of sending the king to the 
 tower of London." 
 
 Now, surely, this was as good a reason, why no man of 
 common sense should propose sending the king to Breda, as 
 why he should not propose sending him to the tower. But 
 what says the hishop ; " because it might raise too much com- 
 passion, and perhaps some disorder, that the king should 
 be kept in restraint within the kingdoms; therefore the send- 
 ing him to Breda was proposed. The Earl of Clarendon 
 pressed this vehemently, on account of the Irish Protestants, 
 as the king himself told me ; for those that gave their opinion 
 in this matter did it secretly, and in confidence to the prince. 
 The prince said he could not deny but that this might be good 
 and wise advice." Can any thing be more congruous, at 
 least, less repugnant than these two accounts? The prince, 
 whom his enemies can send to one place, may be by them sent 
 to any other; and indeed, both these proposals might very 
 reasonably, in the same debate, be supposed to have come from 
 the same person, who finding the proposal of sending the 
 king to the tower rejected for the reasons the bishop gives, 
 might advance or second that of sending him to Breda; so 
 that here is no such flat contradiction, as your lordship hath 
 been pleased to observe. 
 
 I am come now to a most notable paragraph indeed, where- 
 in I may hope to show your lordship as flat a contradiction 
 as is to be found in any writer whatever. It will be neces- 
 sary to transcribe a good part of the passage. Your lordship 
 after giving us Bishop Burnet's opinion of King William's 
 designs, and some anecdotes out of that right reverend author, 
 of the king's behaviour before the establishment of the crown, 
 proceeds thus : 
 
 " Admitting this to be a true and genuine account of what 
 passed upon this important occasion, it amounts to no more 
 than that the Prince of Orange acted a very fair and open 
 part, by telling them he expected to be king, which he did not 
 at all wish for, or that he would do a thing that every wise 
 man ought to do if he was disappointed ; which was to retire.
 
 13 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 and do all the service he could in his own station to his native 
 country. But if one take her grace's account of this trans- 
 action, the prince had no other motive for coming over to 
 England, but mere ambition of wearing a crown. ^ Having 
 never read, continues her grace, nor employed my time in 
 anything, but playing at cards, and having no ambition my- 
 self, I imagined that the Prince of Orange's sole design, was 
 to provide for the safety of his own country, by obliging King 
 James to keep the laws of ours. And that he would get back 
 as soon as he had made us all happy; and that there was no 
 sort of difficulty in the execution of this design, and that to 
 ]do so much good would be a greater pleasure to him than to 
 be king of any country upon earth. I was soon taught to 
 know the world better. I say, one who reads these words, will 
 be apt to conclude that King William, even upon the first 
 concert of his expedition to England, was determined at all 
 events to dethrone his father-in-law, though I am unwilling 
 to believe that this was the case; I will only observe, that 
 it was this, it is extremely improbable that her grace, not- 
 withstanding all her professions of sincerity, was ignorant of 
 the design upon this occasion. I cannot help laying before 
 
 your lordship a fact, which I had from the late E. of N m, 
 
 of a near relation of your lordship, who was very deep in the 
 concert, and too worthy a man to impose either upon me or the 
 world. He told me, that immediately upon the Prince of 
 Orange's landing, there was a visible boldness and backward- 
 ness in the nobility and gentry, to declare in his favour ; upon 
 which, the prince called a meeting of those he could most 
 depend upon, and told them in plain terms, that as he had 
 ventured so far, to support them, it was not to be expected, 
 he was to do it for nothing, and that he never would have 
 been so mad to have exposed himself and his country to un- 
 avoidable ruin, had he not had very strong assurances from 
 England before he set out, that he should be supported even 
 to the utmost. That upon this he produced an instrument 
 signed by the most eminent persons, who afterwards declared 
 most eminently for the revolution; in which they engage 
 
 ^Account, p. 21.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 13 
 
 themselves to support his highness in forming that very 
 plan of government, by which the crown was settled upon 
 the abdication of King James. That the names not only of 
 the subscribers themselves were signed to this instrument, 
 but of those whom they engaged to bring over to the prince ; 
 and that amongst others he saw that of the Lord Churchill, 
 who by means of his lady engaged to bring over the Prince 
 and Princess of Denmark. If this is fact, it is highly im- 
 probable, nay it is impossible, but that her grace, consider- 
 ing the ascendancy she always had over her husband, should 
 be so vastly surprised as she now affects to be at the news of 
 the Prince of Orange accepting of the crown." 
 
 In the first place, I do not see, that whoever read the words, 
 I was soon taught to know the world better, " will be apt to 
 conclude, that King William, even upon the first concert of 
 his expedition to England, was determined at all events to de- 
 throne his father-in-law." This is such a conclusion, as Dr. 
 South says, which may well be said to be drawn from the 
 words, since I am sure it never would follow — but to the fact 
 itself, which is to impeach her grace's veracity. The late 
 
 E. of N" told somebody that told your lordship, that 
 
 somebody had told the earl (for he was not then present) 
 that King William immediately upon his landing called a 
 meeting of the nobility and gentry, &c. 
 
 First, Until long after his landing, he had no nobility nor 
 gentry with him. 
 
 Secondly, It is very improbable, indeed almost impossible 
 to conceive, that a man of King William's phlegmatick and 
 cool temper should expose an instrument of this nature, which, 
 if he had been successless in his expedition, as he had then 
 some reason to doubt, would have hanged every one of those 
 friends who had set their hands to it : for anger itself could 
 not move the hottest mind to such a step ; (and King William 
 is by this writer truly represented as slow in taking revenge) 
 since it was not the gentlemen of the country of whose back- 
 wardness alone he could complain, whom he was to expose 
 to the vengeance of King James, but of his friends above, 
 who could not possibly have Joined him so soon; and from
 
 14 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 most of whom, he was too good a politician to expect so 
 open and hasty a declaration in his favour, though he was 
 assured of their private services. 
 
 Thirdly, If the Prince of Orange was so desirious to con- 
 ceal his original intentions of aiming at the crown (admit- 
 ting he had such) he cannot be supposed, without an entire 
 subversion of his character, to expose an instrument so 
 openly and rashly, in which it was engaged to support his 
 royal highness in forming that very plan of government, by 
 which the crown was settled on the abdication of King 
 James. 
 
 Fourthly, If he had taken so rash and all-advised a step, he 
 would never afterwards have been guilty of so preposterous a 
 conduct, as with the most manifest chicanery to deny a de- 
 sign he had publicly and openly avowed, and which, (if what 
 this somebody relates had been true) his enemies could have 
 so incontestably proved against him. 
 
 Fifthly, Bishop Burnet, who was present, would hardly 
 have omitted such a notable fact; or if it should be said, he 
 omitted it from his friendship to King William, a motive 
 which will, I believe, hardly gain credit against so impartial 
 an historian; surely those who have written against King 
 William, both at home and abroad, would have mentioned a 
 fact, which, if true, must have been so generally known. 
 
 But lastly. If you really believe this to be fact, how can you 
 assert, as you do in the preceding page, that you believe 
 he had no design of procuring the crown at the first concert of 
 his expedition? How can your lordship assert in one 
 page (I say) that you believe he had concerted no such de- 
 sign, and in the next, that he came over on these express 
 terms. This sure, my lord, is very near a round, if not a 
 flat contradiction. 
 
 I shall not enter on the character of King William; her 
 grace knew him better than I, nor is there any reason to 
 suspect her partiality : but here your lordship is singular in 
 an opinion that harsh treatment obliges us to conceal the 
 faults of an enemy. Tills is indeed an extraordinary flight 
 of Christianity.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 15 
 
 The next remark I shall trouble your lordship with, is 
 on your conclusion in page 19, which is likewise so lame, 
 that your whole strength is required to draw it. Your quota- 
 tion is as follows : 
 
 " I confess, says her grace, had I been in her place, the 
 Princess of Denmark, I should have thought it more for my 
 honour to be easy in this matter than to show an im- 
 patience to get possession of a crown that had been wrested 
 from my father. I believe nobody ever either spoke or wrote 
 in this manner, but with a design of accusing the person in 
 whose stead they wish themselves to be. And as it ought, 
 continues her grace, to have been a great trouble to the 
 children of King James to be forced to act the part they 
 did against him, so it seemed to me that she who discovered 
 the less ambition would have the more amiable character. 
 There it is very plain that by the expression, and as it ought 
 to have been, &c. her grace implies, that the thing was not; 
 therefore her grace speaking in the plural, must mean that 
 both the children of King James viz. Queen Mary and the 
 Princess of Denmark, did show an impatience to get pos- 
 session of a crown that was wrested from their father." 
 
 I own, indeed, we are taught to confess that we have done 
 those things we ought not to have done, and left undone 
 those things we ought to have done; but to say that this is 
 an eternal obligation on our nature, to affirm that the bare 
 supposing a thing ought to have been done, is consequentially 
 affirming that it was not ; this is to be a very strong advocate 
 for the necessity of human actions. I shall make no reflec- 
 tion on the character of Queen Mary; but why the silence 
 of the Jacobites or the reverence of the Whigs, should deter 
 the duchess from attacking her, I cannot no more see, than 
 I can think the obligations which she had to Queen Anne 
 (which her own faithful conduct, and the immortal and bar- 
 barously and ungratefully returned services of her glorious 
 husband so well and nobly deserved) incapable of being 
 obliterated by any future ill treatment: Or why any attach- 
 ment to the characters of these princesses should restrain 
 her from a just vindication of her own. Your arguments
 
 16 A FULL VINDICATION OF TEE 
 
 are indeed very curious, if not strong. I will therefore 
 quote the whole passage, as well as that of the inscription, 
 with your observations on it. You say, it would be decent 
 in the duchess to conceal any thing which might cast a 
 reflection on Queen Mary, because her character "has never 
 yet been attacked by the most bigoted Jacobite, and has 
 always been had in great veneration by the greatest Whigs. 
 As to that of Queen Anne, her grace lies under so many 
 obligations to support and defend it, against all attempts 
 to blacken it, that it is the height of imprudence, to call it 
 by no worse a name, to attack it in the manner her grace 
 does in the above passages. But the matter does not rest 
 here; for we find that what her grace insinuates, or rather 
 asserts here, is directly in contradiction to that solemn in- 
 scription which her grace consigned to marble, signed by her- 
 self, as the character of Queen Anne, upon the pedestal of 
 the statue erected to her memory at Blenheim. We there- 
 fore see instead of showing her impatience to get possession 
 of her father's crown, she looked with the greatest indifference 
 upon that of her brother-in-law, though he wore it in preju- 
 dice of her own right. What are her words? 
 
 " Queen Anne — was religious without affectation ; she al- 
 ways meant well; she had no false ambition; which ap- 
 peared by her never complaining at King William's being 
 preferred to the crown before her, when it was taken from 
 the king her father, for following such counsels and pursuing 
 such measures as made the revolution necessary. It was her 
 greatest affliction to be forced to act against him, even for 
 security. 
 
 " If any impartial person should compare these lines with 
 the above quotations from the account of her conduct, would 
 he not draw one of these two conclusions; either that the 
 character is not drawn for the same person, or that it was 
 not the same person who drew it ? " . 
 
 The character her grace hath been pleased to inscribe 
 on her monument, erected to the memory of Queen Anne, 
 is an instance of the goodness and gratitude of her temper; 
 and though perhaps these have inclined her to carry truth
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 17 
 
 as far as possible, yet is there nothing on this marble in- 
 consistent with what her grace hath since committed to paper : 
 She hath not taxed her with ambition, she hath not denied 
 that it was her greatest affliction to be forced to act against 
 her father ; and so far from questioning her religion, she hath 
 imputed many of her actions to a fondness for even the 
 shadow of it, the church. 
 
 Your lordship is facetious about parsons and old women; 
 nor can I think you much in earnest, when you represent 
 the revolution to be no instance of the people's electing a 
 king. If my lords of Clarendon and Eochester advised the 
 princess to give up her right of blood in order to defend it, 
 they were, I think, no great logicians. I am sure they were 
 no great lawyers, if they imagined preferring King William 
 to a joint estate in the crown, and afterwards to the reversion 
 of the whole before Queen Anne, was not an instance of their 
 using the right of election. As such it was understood by 
 all who wrote on the subject on both sides; and if a prec- 
 edent could establish a right, I think that right of election 
 could never hereafter be called in question. 
 
 Whether my Lord Marlborough's disgrace in King Will- 
 iam's time was owing to his being husband to Lady Marl- 
 borough, as you say, I know not : but certain I am, that the 
 merits of her illustrious husband should have protected the 
 duchess from any disgrace in Queen Anne's time, and should 
 have endeared her to the whole nation. If the wives and 
 widows of great men have been esteemed in all countries: 
 if I have seen in a very public assembly a respect paid 
 to the wife of a man, who lately took an undefended town 
 in the West Indies; what honours should be paid to the 
 comfort of that glorious man, who carried the honour of our 
 arms so high, and by such a series of courage, conduct and 
 success, preserved the liberties of Europe? 
 
 As your lordship is pleased to bring in Bishop Burnet, 
 confirming almost every thing which her grace hath said 
 relating to the quarrel between the two sisters, I will likewise 
 repeat his words once more to you: 
 
 " The Princess of Denmark, says that prelate, thought 
 
 Misc. Wettings II — 2
 
 18 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 herself too much neglected by the king, whose cold way 
 towards her was soon observed. After the king was on the 
 throne no propositions were made to her of a settlement, 
 nor any advances of money. So she thinking she was to be 
 kept in a necessitous dependence on the court, got some 
 to move in the House of Commons in the year 1G98; when 
 they were in the debate concerning the revenue, that she 
 should have assignments suitable to her dignity. This both 
 
 king and queen took amiss from her. The act 
 
 passed, allowing her a settlement of fifty thousand pounds. 
 But upon this a boldness followed between not only the 
 king, but even the queen and princess. And the blame of 
 this motion was east upon the Countess of Marlborough, as 
 most in favour with the princess: And this had contributed 
 much to alienate the king from her husband, and had dis- 
 posed him to receive ill impressions of him." 
 
 It is impossible to give a stronger confirmation of the 
 truth of her grace's account. 
 
 Let us survey the next paragraph, which hath anything 
 material in it. In page 25 is the following: 
 
 " As to the different character of the two sisters, I believe 
 your lordship, upon reflecting a little upon the nature of the 
 fair sex in general, will agree with me, that no such dis- 
 agreement could ever have happened from the causes assigned 
 by her grace.^ It was impossible, says her grace, that they 
 should ever be very agreeable companions together, because 
 Queen Mary grew weary of any body who would not talk 
 a great deal, and the princess was so silent that she rarely 
 spoke more than was necessary to answer a question. I 
 believe the world will allow, that Bishop Burnet was at least 
 as good a judge of Queen Mary's private character, as ever 
 her grace was, who, as would appear, had scarcely any op- 
 portunity of knowing it. But she gives her a character, that 
 with regard to her quality, if I am not quite out of my judg- 
 ment as to woman-kind, is quite the reverse of that given 
 by her grace. For the prelate says, that Queen Mary loved 
 to talk a great deal : Now I may venture to appeal to all the 
 
 ^Account, p. 24.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 19 
 
 experience of that sex, if there was ever found a woman 
 who loved to talk a great deal herself, and yet at the same 
 time grew weary of every body who did not talk a great deal 
 too. Admitting Bishop Burnet's character of Queen Mary 
 in this respect to be the true one, because he knew her best; 
 and likewise the character which her grace gives of the 
 Princess of Denmark to J3e a true one too, viz.^ That the 
 princess was so silent that she rarely spoke more than 
 was necessary to answer a question: I say, admitting these 
 two characters to be true in both respects, we have the 
 very best reason in the world for wondering why a perpetual 
 harmony did not subsist betwixt the two sisters; since no 
 person in the world can be so agreeable to a woman who 
 loves to talk a great deal, as another who loves to talk a 
 very little/' 
 
 Sure your lordship hath too much insight into the fair 
 sex, and into human nature in general, to be in earnest. 
 Indeed, it is true, that talkative women, and talkative men 
 too, are sometimes fond of one who will be auditor tantum; 
 but this listening must be with the greatest attention, must 
 be accompanied with frequent assenting nods, smiles, and 
 words too, and is what no one ever finds but amongst in- 
 feriors and dependents, and not in an equal of a solemn 
 and sullen disposition, and of a different way of thinking; 
 who would be very absent in attention, and would not fail 
 of betraying in looks and gestures sufficient marks of dislike, 
 and perhaps contempt; which silent people generally have 
 for those of a loquacious temper. Besides, doth not common 
 experience teach us, that gossips always affect one another's 
 company? Nor is there the least inconvenience, since a 
 dozen women can talk all together, without the least in- 
 terruption or disturbance one to another. 
 
 As to Queen Mary's behaviour, as the duchess relates it, 
 on her first coming to Wliite-Hall. I apprehend any spectator 
 of humanity would have formed the same conclusions with 
 her grace from it. If it proceeded from the prince's orders, 
 as Bishop Burnet tells us, it doth indeed in some measure 
 
 1 Ibid., p. 25.
 
 20 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 justify the queen; but lays no imputation on the duchess, 
 who knew not of those orders. 
 
 In page 28, you proceed as follows : " ^ Her grace next 
 relates upon hearsay, an angry conversation that passed 
 between the two royal sisters, upon the subject of the prin- 
 cess's settlement, which went so well in the House of Com- 
 mons, that their friends being encouraged to propose a much 
 larger revenue, the king, in order to prevent it, prorogued 
 the parliament. But her grace, though she takes care to let 
 us know that the whole of this affair lay upon herself, leaves 
 us entirely in doubt by what means it happened, that the 
 intention of augmenting the settlement was defeated. All 
 we can learn is, the king thought proper to compound the 
 matter with the princess's friends ; at the same time we don't 
 learn by her grace's account that the princess had any other 
 friend but herself ; nay, it would appear from the ^ applica- 
 tions made to her by my Lady Fitzharding, and my Lord 
 Shrewsbury, the two persons of the greatest credit at court, 
 that she was considered as the manager of the whole on 
 the side of the princess. I shall therefore offer an insinu- 
 ation which I have heard made to the disadvantage of her 
 grace by the Tories, who certainly were at that time strong 
 enough in parliament to have carried a large settlement for 
 the princess, and were heartily inclined to have done it, 
 had they not been deceived by a secret collusion betwixt 
 the courts and those in whom the princess put her chief 
 confidence." 
 
 This your lordship justly indeed calls an insinuation, 
 you might have added a cruel one; for you found it only 
 on the common report of the Tories, who, on your own prin- 
 ciples, are not to be received as very credible witnesses against 
 her grace; but as the affirmative is not supported by any 
 proof or pretence of proof whatever, so I will venture to 
 say the negative may be demonstrated by all the evidence of 
 reason and common sense. For, can we suppose, if her grace 
 could be prevailed on to betray the interest of the princess 
 to the king and queen, that they would have desired her 
 
 ^Account, p. 27. "Account, p. 29.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 21 
 
 (as the bishop, the world, and your lordship agree they did) 
 to part with a servant who was so effectually their spy and 
 tool? Or if he had afterwards disobliged them, might not 
 this have been used as the certain means of destroying her 
 with her mistress. I omit the handsome reflection cast on 
 a brother and sister, who would be base enough to corrupt the 
 sister's servant to betray her interest. But can any thing 
 equal your lordship's saying, that her grace hath left us 
 entirely in doubt by what moans the defeat happened, when 
 she plainly and expressly tells us, it happened from the king's 
 purposely proroguing the parliament. 
 
 The reason given by the duchess why the Prince of Den- 
 mark preferred the sea to the land-service, is a good and 
 substantial one, and not to be overthrown by your lordship's 
 asserting, " You cannot conceive why his highness should 
 have a passion for going to sea, merely because the king 
 could not suffer him to go in a coach with him in Ireland." 
 A neglect to which, I believe, few princes so nearly affianced 
 would submit. 
 
 You will pardon me, my lord, if I censure your remark 
 in the next paragraph, as deficient in that candour which 
 becomes a generous adversary, especially a writer who pre- 
 tends to know more than an enquiry after truth, or a reputa- 
 tion of falsehood. You say, " You shall make no other 
 remark upon the letter which her grace has given us from 
 Queen Mary to her sister, than that is plain, that the queen 
 
 thought that my Lord M had given his majesty more 
 
 cause of displeasure than what appears to the world, and 
 that she had informed the princess of it before. This ap- 
 pears from the following passage : " I need not repeat, says 
 the queen, the cause he has given the king to do what he 
 has done, nor his unwillingness at all times to come to such 
 extremities, though people do deserve it." 
 
 Now, my lord, the sense you here put upon the word 
 repeat, is what it will not in common usage bear; for I will 
 appeal to your lordship's reflection, and to the whole world, 
 whether this word in all epistolary correspondence is not 
 used to mean the inserting something in a letter which
 
 22 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 hath happened, though not related by the person who writes 
 to the correspondent. For instance : I will not repeat to 
 yon what happened at such a place, or what was said by such 
 a person, &c. And this in writers, of much greater accuracy 
 than queens can generally be supposed. Queen Mary there- 
 fore means here by the word repeat, no more than if she had 
 writ, I need not tell you: for indeed if the queen had 
 communicated this before, I see no reason why she should 
 even mention it again, unless with a desire of insulting her 
 sister; a censure I am unwilling to cast upon her. 
 
 I come now to the most notable paragraph of all; to in- 
 troduce which, indeed all the rest seems chiefly written; and 
 yet pompous as this is, it is no more than the repetition 
 of an old thread-bare falsehood, invented by the Jacobites, 
 and long since disbelieved and laughed out of the world. 
 Let us see the whole paragraph : 
 
 "But, in justice to the memory of this princess, I cannot 
 avoid acquainting your lordship with a fact which I had 
 from a person of the greatest consideration in that of the 
 succeeding reign; who told me, upon my seeming surprised 
 at the motives that could induce King William to treat my 
 
 Lord M with the severity he did ; that it was wholly owing 
 
 to the indiscretion of a lady, whom I am unwilling to 
 name, but whom your lordship and the world will easily 
 guess at. He said, that a French en,gineer, who had re- 
 ceived some disgust from his officers, had come over at that 
 time from France, and had laid before King William a plan 
 by which Dunkirk might be surprised. That the plan was 
 examined and approved of by King William, who admitted 
 nobody into the secret but Benthink, Zulestein, and my Lord 
 
 M ; but that before the execution of the design such 
 
 orders came from the French court, and such a number of 
 forces were poured into Dunkirk, as plainly showed that the 
 design was discovered. He said, that King William imme- 
 diately suspected my Lord M , but was unwilling to 
 
 discover his suspicions till he could have proofs, which he 
 soon had by means of a spy from the court of St. Germains, 
 who was seized here, and confessed that he was employed as
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 23 
 
 an agent betwixt my Lady Tyrconnel and King James's 
 queen. And that this person, upon hopes not only of pardon 
 but reward, directed the government to a packet from France, 
 which discovered that my Lady Tyrconnel, by means of a 
 certain lady who gave her all her confidence, and to whom 
 
 my Lord M was so weak as to discover the design. That 
 
 the king upon this sent for Lord , and reproached him 
 
 with his easiness; upon which the latter confessed the whole. 
 This incident accounts pretty well for the insinuation which 
 is dropped by Queen Mary in this letter, and it was no 
 wonder afterwards if the king was a little too susceptible of 
 a prejudice against the earl when he was committed to the 
 tower." 
 
 Here is an insinuation of the blackest and most heinous 
 kind, against a person of the highest dignity, thrown out 
 without an author, or any sort of proof whatever. Her 
 grace's high station and character surely require, that the 
 name or title of this person of consideration should be men- 
 tioned at least, and even then we may doubt whether it came 
 from him, or whether he spoke truth if it did : Though, by 
 the way, admitting all true that is here asserted, the duchess 
 may nevertheless be innocent : Here were three more persons, 
 to wit, Benthink, Zulestein, and the engineer himself in this 
 secret; and why none of them as capable of discovering it 
 as the Earl of Marlborough? But can we believe, that if 
 this had been the reason of the king's prejudice against the 
 earl, as is asserted, that he would have concealed this reason? 
 or if the discovery could have been brought home to the 
 duchess, that the king and queen, whom (as is confessed on 
 all hands) were her enemies, would have kept this treachery 
 in her a secret? or that her other enemies, (of which I be- 
 lieve then as well as since, envy and malice had created 
 her many) would not have promulgated, with the utmost 
 diligence, a story which would not only have justified their 
 resentment, but would have rendered it indecent even for the 
 princess to retain her longer in her service. These things, 
 I say, would almost inevitably follow the belief of this pre- 
 tended fact; which, had it been true, it is impossible to
 
 24 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 conceive, should in so short a time be obliged to subsist only 
 in a report which a nameless author had from a nameless 
 person; a kind of evidence which would not be admitted 
 to blacken the character of the lowest of creatures, but which 
 is admirably calculated to spread what Cicero calls con- 
 tumelia ; it is a bow to shoot those arrows of detraction from, 
 which (according to an excellent writer of our church) are 
 always flying about in the dark, and against which no power 
 but of that God who sees and knows all things, can defend 
 the greatest and best characters. 
 
 You are pleased, my lord, to say you will make no re- 
 marks on the difference "that happened betwixt the queen 
 and the princess, on account of the latter being obstinate 
 
 in keeping my Lady C about her person: Her grace (you 
 
 say) has prevented me in this,^ by vindicating her conduct, 
 with regard to the important points, that of the succession, 
 and that of the pension, and that of the prince's going to 
 sea." You are right in avoiding any such remarks; the 
 account her grace hath given is satisfactory to every im- 
 partial reader, and is and will be unimpeached by the malice 
 of party and prejudice. 
 
 Your lordship says, " But with regard to the two letters 
 given us from the Princess of Orange to her grace, I think 
 nothing more can be said, but that there was a time when 
 the Princess of Orange thought very well of my Lady 
 
 C , and a time when Queen Mary thought ill of her. 
 
 A case that happens every day in private life." Yes my lord, 
 something more may be said ; and it is, That there was a tim.e 
 when the princess was Princess of Orange; and a time when 
 she was Queen Mary: and then what follows will be truly 
 a case that happens every day. 
 
 Your lordship's next fling, agreeable to the malice of the 
 party, is at the duke. 
 
 " Her grace, in apologising for her own and her husband's 
 conduct, says, that, everyone knows that my Lord Marl- 
 borou2:h had great employments under King James, and 
 might have hoped to be as great a favourite as anybody 
 
 * Account, p. 49.
 
 DUCHUSS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 25 
 
 It was highly improbable therefore that he who had done 
 so much, and sacrificed so much for the preservation of the 
 religion and liberty of his country, should on a sudden 
 engage in a conspiracy to destroy them. But this is, accord- 
 ing to what her grace herself seems to own, but a poor 
 compliment to the integrity and disinterestedness of the Earl 
 
 of M ; for it seems to be not only the opinion of her 
 
 grace, but of the world, that the designs of King James 
 were so weakly laid, and so foolishly carried on, that for a 
 man to have embarked in them, was to involve himself into 
 unavoidable ruin." 
 
 The colours which your lordship throws on my Lord of 
 Marlborough's conduct, in leaving King James, and ad- 
 hering to the Prince of Orange, are what may be, and 
 generally are applied to every great action, which those who 
 are strangers to the motives of true greatness and virtue, 
 always impute to mean, private, and mercenary designs. It 
 is easy to see into consequences, when they have happened; 
 but I believe many then alive apprehended more danger in, 
 the success of those weak measures than your lordship seems 
 to think they threatened: Nay, even at last, it hath been 
 made a doubt by many, if King James had not deserted 
 the crown, whether it would have been taken from him : and 
 if he had retained it, let the restraints under which he had 
 been laid been what they will, the Duke of Marlborough 
 could have expected no forgiveness, nor restoration to his 
 favour. 
 
 You are pleased to say you will make no other remark 
 on those warm friendly letters from the Princess of Den- 
 mark to her grace, than what your lordship hath made on 
 those of Queen Mary; to which therefore I shall give the 
 same answer: You then ask a question; "But is there 
 an}i:hing wonderful, anything unaccountable, anything crim- 
 inal in one's altering their opinion of woman kind! Or 
 are princes obliged to give the world an account of the mo- 
 tives that induce them to do it?" Perhaps indeed, there 
 is nothing wonderful in the alteration of one's opinion of 
 another ; but surely the dismission of an old faithful servant.
 
 26 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 after a long continued execution of the greatest trust with 
 integrity, conceiving a sudden dislike after the highest friend- 
 ship and familiarity with an inferior for many years, re- 
 moving and displacing such a servant from her office and 
 trust without any visible reason, or condescending, even when 
 ardently desired to assign any; sure such conduct is not sa 
 perfectly accountable, if clear from being criminal, as you 
 would imagine. And if princes are not obliged to give the 
 world an account of the motives that induce them to such 
 extraordinary actions, surely the lowest subjects, much more 
 the highest, are at liberty to justify themselves if the ma- 
 licious part of the world lays the blame on their misconduct. 
 
 I am desirous with the utmost caution to avoid reflections 
 on any person's character. I shall therefore take no more 
 notice of what you say concerning my Lord Eochester, than 
 to observe, that if he had the queen wholly in his hands 
 
 at the time of the order being sent by Lord Nott m to 
 
 the simple Mayor of Bath, the duchess in imputing it to 
 Lord Eochester, deals no harder with his lordship, than 
 hath been ever done with all favourites and ministers, who 
 must be contented to bear the blame and burthen of what- 
 ever is done, not only by their sovereigns themselves, but 
 by all their inferiours in office. Nor is it likely that any 
 one without orders from the queen, or from him who gov- 
 erned the queen, would have dared to attempt such a measure 
 with such a person; nor indeed doth it appear that Lord 
 Nottingham himself had any motive for so doing: to which 
 I shall beg leave to add the duchess's own words : 
 
 " The king being abroad when this letter was written, and 
 the queen being at that time wholly in my Lord Eochester's 
 hands, everybody concluded, that it was done by his advice: 
 And I am myself the more fully persuaded of it, for the 
 fondness he discovered for such sort of pageantry, when (in 
 the beginning of Queen Anne's reign) he made his progress 
 in those parts, and took pains in begging treats, and speeches 
 from such sort of people. But it must be owned, that his 
 lordship had a singular taste for trifling ceremonies." 
 
 The character which her grace gives the Earl of Godolphin,
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 27 
 
 your lordship says requires notice, and I readily agree with 
 you it docs : for it is an extraordinary and a true one. The 
 passage you quote is as follows : 
 
 " The princess, after this, continued at Berkley-House, in 
 a very quiet way; for there was nothing more to be done^ 
 unless they would stop her revenue, which doubtless they 
 would have attempted, had they thought it practicable; but 
 my Lord Godolphin was then first commissioner of the 
 treasury, a man esteemed very useful to the service, and 
 who they knew would quit upon any orders; and they could 
 not easily have found a person with qualities fit for that 
 employment." 
 
 You are pleased to say: "It is very surprising that one 
 who knows the world so well as her grace does, should write 
 in this manner. Upon the terms in which she represents 
 the Princess of Denmark to have stood with King William 
 and Queen Mary, can it be imagined that had these two 
 princes inclined to have stopped the revenue of the princess, 
 they would have been frightened from the attempt, merely 
 bcause they conceived that one of their own servants would 
 oppose it? Is this agreeable to that positive determined 
 conduct for which King William was always remarkable." 
 
 To be apprehensive of an opposition from a great, able, 
 and honest minister, may stagger a prince of King William's 
 understanding, and may well deter him from a step of so 
 extraordinary a nature. 
 
 As to the account of the queen's behaviour related by 
 Bishop Burnet, and that given us by her grace, I cannot 
 observe any such disagreement or contradiction, as your lord- 
 ship mentions. Indeed, that of the duchess is fuller and 
 more particular, as she had imdoubtedly more opportunity of 
 knoMdng the whole. The bishop says, " That the queen when 
 she was dying had received a kind letter from, and had sent 
 a reconciling message to the princess; and so that breach 
 was made up. It is true, the sisters did not meet, it was 
 thought, that might throw the queen into too great a com- 
 motion ; so it was put off till it was too late." 
 
 Her grace gives us the following relation: "As I knew.
 
 28 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 says she, that several people, and even one of the prince's 
 own family, were allowed to see the queen, I was fully per- 
 suaded, that the deferring the princess's coming, was only 
 to leave room for continuing the quarrel in case the queen 
 should chance to recover, or for reconciliation with the king, 
 (if that should be thought convenient) in case of the queen's 
 death. During all the time of the queen's illness, to her 
 decease, the princess sent every day to enquire how she did; 
 and once I am sure her majesty heard of it, because my 
 Lady Fitzharding, who was charged with her message, and 
 who had more desire than ordinary to see the queen, broke 
 in whether they would or not, and delivered it to her, en- 
 deavouring to express in how much concern the princess was ; 
 to which the queen returned no other answer but a cold 
 thanks: Nor, though she received the Sacrament in her ill- 
 ness, did she ever send the least message to the princess, 
 except that in my Lady Derby's letter, which perhaps her 
 majesty knew nothing of." 
 
 What incongruity? The bishop is a confirmation of all 
 the duchess says, and both agree in the material points, 
 that the queen sent but one message, and that she died 
 without seeing her sister. 
 
 I come now to the most wonderful discovery indeed, no 
 less, than that Lord Marlborough and his lady were the two 
 staunchest Tories in the kingdom. 
 
 The proofs of this are : 
 
 1. That at Queen Anne's coming to the crown, notwith- 
 standing the favour in which the duchess then stood, she 
 put herself (as the duchess complains) entirely into the 
 hands of the Tories. This is represented as a contradiction, 
 viz. that a prince should act contrary to the opinion of her 
 favourite. 
 
 2. The disfavour this lord and lady were in at court, 
 during all the time that King William employed the Whiga. 
 Though this disfavour hath been accounted for, so many 
 other ways already. 
 
 3. The Earls of Marlborough and Godolphin were con- 
 tinued in their posts, and caressed and followed by the Tories.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 29 
 
 4. Were believed to be such by the queen. 
 
 5. Were educated in those principles. 
 
 It may indeed be probable, that the Tories at the beginning 
 of the queen's reign, perceiving that her love for the church 
 had not 3'ct wormed my Lady Marlborough out of her affec- 
 tions, and that it would be difficult to displace the two earls 
 in whom she placed so deserved a confidence, might content 
 themselves to unite with persons who had no violence of 
 party, nor were extremely zealous, unless in what they 
 imagined to be the true interest of their country. This I 
 say is probable : for we have seen Whigs and Tories of later 
 days, unite and agree in place very well together, nay farther, 
 it is probable that the earls, to engage the favour of the 
 queen and to serve her effectually, as they afterwards did, 
 in the highest degree, might, by their conversation and inti- 
 macy with some men, give the Tories, who are good-natured 
 politicians, reasons to imagine they were better Tories in 
 their hearts, than they afterwards found them : But if they 
 were really so, whence the Wliig ministry, under which those 
 glorious victories, the defence and preservation of Europe's 
 liberties, were obtained? whence the cry of the church in 
 danger? whence that opposition to those earls, which ended 
 in their being turned out, after all their faithful and eminent 
 services? A black spot in the history of that reign, which 
 your lordship will never be able to whiten. 
 
 Your lordship is pleased to say, that the pains her grace 
 is at in vindicating her conduct from the imputation of 
 private view, is very studied : I do not know what you would 
 be understood to mean by studied; if you would say, her 
 grace hath taken the trouble to write several sheets, con- 
 taining, an account of matters of fact, attested by the strong- 
 est and most undeniable evidence, (letters and public ac- 
 counts of the nature of records,) to convince the world that 
 she was a faithful, honest, upright and thrifty servant to 
 her mistress, both before and after she was queen; I shall 
 agree with you, and so will the world. But I cannot so 
 readily own, that truth and sincerity will always speak for 
 themselves, and requires no other advocates but their own
 
 30 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 good effects. Daily experience must convince the blindest 
 of US of the blots which malice, envy and ingratitude can 
 throw on the whitest name. Nay, I wish that the very paper 
 now under my consideration, did not afford marks of this 
 kind; your lordship will pardon me if the sneers in the fol- 
 lowing paragraph savour to me of one of those principles. 
 I will quote the whole. 
 
 "In p. 136. we find a most exalted sketch of her grace's 
 character, both as a Christian and a politician. She could 
 have forgiven even the Earl of Rochester, if she had thought 
 that he would have followed the queen's true interest; and 
 she was a Whig, only because the principles of the Tories 
 appeared gibberish, and those of the Whigs rational, and no 
 ways to the prejudice of the church as by law established. 
 Having thus discussed her religious and political character, 
 ■we have in some page a specimen of her national one; that 
 so not one of all the circle of amiable qualities may be 
 wanting in her composition. As this,'' says her grace, 
 *' was really my way of thinking concerning the two parties, 
 it would have been contrary to the frankness of my temper, 
 and to the obligation of that friendship with which the 
 queen honoured me, not to have told her my sentiments with- 
 out reserve." 
 
 These sneers are not, I think, agreeable either to the 
 sex or the dignity of the person, who is the subject of 
 them. 
 
 I am as unwilling as your lordship to detract from Sir 
 George Eook's character. He was a brave man, and his 
 victory a signal one; but that the taking Gibraltar doth as 
 much credit to Queen Anne's reign, as any action that hap- 
 pened in it, I can no more concede than I can that his present 
 
 M of P is as great a soldier as Charles XII. of 
 
 Sweden. That we have indeed little to show for all those 
 glorious victories, which will render the Duke of Marl- 
 borough's name equal to that of the greatest commanders of 
 antiquity, besides the torn colours in Westminster-Hall, I 
 am sorry to allow; but I believe no one will impute this to 
 liis grace.
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROUGH 31 
 
 What your lordship says of Mr. Harley shall not be con- 
 troverted by me. I shall only observe, that what her grace 
 says both of him and others, will require more ink, more 
 eloquence, more art and more proofs too, to set aside, than 
 your lordship hath been pleased to employ at present. 
 
 I shall now proceed to take notice of those general slanders 
 which, though your lordship hath been pleased to disperse 
 through the whole letter, I shall endeavour to collect to- 
 gether. Page 8. Was not the character of her grace's mild- 
 ness and disinterestedness so well established, it would be 
 natural to think that there must have been some secret mis- 
 management; some instances of flagrant insolence and rapa- 
 ciousness, that could effect this wonderful change. Page 9. 
 The lye oblique is given. Page 12. She is accused of down- 
 right affectation. Page 15. The lye oblique. Page 19. 
 She is upbraided with the little capacity which age and in- 
 firmities have left her for enjoyments. Page 29, her grace's 
 doubt and backwardness about receiving a pension of a thou- 
 sand a year, is so very agreeable to her known aversion to 
 money, that your lordship can make no doubt of the fact. 
 Page 33. The lye semidirect. Page 34. A fresh instance 
 of her grace's known disinterestedness and generosity. Ibid. 
 Her grace's exaggerated account of her own merits. Page 
 37. Her forgiving temper ironically. Page 39. Charged 
 with treating King William with indecency. Page 46. 
 Charged with spite. Page 48. With ingratitude. Ibid. 
 With cant. Ibid. With insolence. Page 49. She is repre- 
 sented as a tyrant passion, charged with ill-nature and gov- 
 erning her husband. 
 
 Will any man say, my lord, that this is a proper manner 
 of treating a woman of her grace's exalted station and char- 
 acter, one of her age, who hath lived upon such an intimate 
 footing with her sovereign, and who is the widow of so great 
 a man, one to whom this nation in particular, and all Europe 
 in general, are so much obliged. 
 
 Many, indeed most of these slanders are such as do no 
 injury, but to the person who vents them. I shall only 
 remark one, in Page 8, her grace is obliquely charged with.
 
 32 A FULL VINDICATION OF THE 
 
 rapaciousness ; as in another place^ with inordinate love of 
 money. 
 
 That her grace is rich, is most undoubtedly certain. It 
 is impossible to be otherwise; extravagance itself, without 
 other vices, could not have prevented it. The many great 
 and lucrative employments, with which both her grace and 
 the late duke were so long invested, and the vast settlement 
 on the family by act of parliament, sufficiently account for 
 it. 
 
 But that her grace discharged her trust with fidelity, and 
 that she saved the queen vast sums of money, which she 
 might have visibly sunk into her own pocket; that she never 
 submitted to any mean or dishonest arts of enriching herself, 
 are facts not asserted only, but proved, in the account she 
 hath been pleased to give of her ovra conduct. 
 
 Nor do I remember to have ever heard her accused of any 
 public rapaciousness or private exaction. 
 
 She is indeed rich, and if her enemies accuse her of that, 
 I believe she must plead guilty, at least I have nothing to 
 say in her vindication. 
 
 But, perhaps it may be some alleviation even of this, that 
 this wealth was got in the greatest and most eminent service 
 of her country; and of the tears of widows and orphans of 
 those who were in open arms against this kingdom. 
 
 Secondly. That the influence and power, which her grace 
 from her great fortune enjoys, hath been constantly exerted 
 in defence of the liberties of her country against the highest, 
 most powerful, and most insolent invaders of it. Had the 
 weight of the duchess of Marlborough been lately thrown 
 into the scale of corruption, the nation must have sunk under 
 it : But, on the contrary, her whole power hath been employed 
 in defence of our liberties, and to this power we in a very 
 great measure owe their protection; and this, the barbarous 
 and inhuman exultations of the corrupter and his chief 
 friends last winter expressed on her grace's dangerous illness, 
 and their eager expectation of her death, which they de- 
 clared would do their business, sufficiently testify. So that
 
 DUCHESS DOWAGER OF MARLBOROXJGE 33 
 
 this nation may be truly said to have been twice saved within 
 forty years by the glorious conduct of this illustrious pair; 
 and whoever considers this in a just light, must acknowledge, 
 that no name ought to be so dear to the people of England, 
 as that of the Duchess of Marlborough. 
 
 Lastly, To this fortune many private persons and families, 
 who have been relieved by her grace's generosity, owe their 
 preservation. ISTor do I believe any person in her time hath 
 equalled her donations of this kind : So your lordship hath, I 
 think, chosen a very improper subject for so much calumny, 
 which, unless we could suppose this nation to deserve a char- 
 acter of the blackest ingratitude, must be very distasteful to 
 us all, when thrown on one, to whom so many in particular, 
 and the whole people in general, are so greatly obliged. 
 
 But, before I quit this glorious woman, whose character 
 I have never contemplated but with admiration, I shall just 
 mention a reflection interspersed through this mighty per- 
 formance, and which is agreeable to what hath been always 
 reported by the lowest and most ignorant of her grace's 
 enemies; I mean, the representing her as a woman of 
 great pride and haughtiness. That her grace is superior 
 to all meanness, that she knows her own great consequence, 
 that her vast abilities are no more hid from herself, than 
 from those who have the honour of her conversation, I agree 
 readily. That these have produced an elevation of mind 
 which can with scorn look down on the pitiful arts of her 
 adversaries, is as true. But, I suppose, your lordship meant 
 not this. Do you not rather mean, that greatness of mind 
 with which the duchess hath asserted her dignity to those 
 who would falsely flatter themselves with the imagination of 
 being her superiours, or as vainly pretend to be her equals. 
 I can truly affirm no such pride hath been ever shown to 
 those who have acknowledged themselves to be her inferiors, 
 to whom none can equal her in affability and condescension. 
 
 I shall now take leave of your lordship for this time, and 
 I hope for ever ; but if you should think proper to keep your 
 word (which I hardly think you will) in laying open those 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 3
 
 34 A FULL VINDICATION, &c. 
 
 particulars in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign, which 
 you say are of a different nature from the facts represented 
 by her grace, you may depend on a second letter, though per- 
 haps differing somewhat in gentleness with this, from 
 
 Your Lordship's 
 
 Most Obedient Hmnble Servant.
 
 THE VEPvNONIAD 
 
 86
 
 THE YERIsrON^IAD' 
 
 Arms and the man I sing, who greatly bore 
 Augusta's ^ flag to Porto Bello's ^ shore, 
 On sea and land much sufl'ering, e're he won, 
 With six ships only,* the predestined town; 
 Whence a long train of victories shall flow, 
 And future laurels for Augusta grow. 
 
 ^ This poem is certainly of very great antiquity, and there is suffi- 
 cient reason to believe it no other, than the Cereopes of Homer, 
 which hath been for so many ages imagined entirely lost. The 
 design of it seems exactly to correspond with the account given us 
 by Mr. Pope in his Essay on Homer, of this latter, which was, 
 says he, a satirical work, levelled against the vices of men, and 
 founded on the old fable of the Cereopes, a nation, who were turned 
 into monkies for their frauds and impostures. These Cereopes 
 were the inhabitants of an island called Inarime; Suidas records 
 two brothers among them, who were particularly eminent for their 
 impostures, and were called Candidus and Atlas. The story of 
 their transfiguration is likewise told in Ovid, Metam. 14 Fab. 3. 
 Several of the ancients have been beholden to this poem, particu- 
 larly Virgil, who hence borrowed the first part of his ^neid, and 
 not from the Hiad, as is generally supposed by persons ignorant 
 of the art of taking from an author, which is properly transcrib- 
 ing whole sentences and pages, not a single line or hint. 
 
 "Augusta, the capital of Inarime was so called. 
 
 'Porto Bello, an island in the ^gean Sea, since swallowed up. 
 
 *Six ships only. Homer alludes to this in his Iliad, where 
 TIepolemus says, that Hercules took Ilium with six ships only and 
 few men. 5 11. 641. 
 
 "E^ oirfi 6vv vtjvdi Kal dvSpa.6i itavporepoi6iv 
 UMov £^a\dTta^E noXiv. 
 
 37
 
 38 THE VERNONIAD 
 
 " Oh Muse ! ^ the causes and the crimes relate, 
 What daemon was provoked and whence his hate ; 
 For what offence the wrath of hell began • 
 To persecute so brave, so just a man; 
 Involved his anxious life in endless cares. 
 Exposed to wants, and unsupplied in wars. 
 Can even daemons such resentment show 
 And exercise their spite in human woe ? " 
 Within the mouth of Thames,*' an antient town 
 Long flourished, blest and plenty and renown; 
 A Trojan colony;'^ the peojDle made 
 Sturdy ® to foes and studious of their trade ; 
 Augusta was her name, whom Satan ® more 
 Detested, than the once delightful shore 
 Of blooming Eden, whence the daemon ^^ drove 
 The first blessed pair from paradise and love. 
 For he had heard an antient rumour tell, 
 (Long cited by the inhabitants of hell) 
 That times to come should see the Augustan race 
 That proud insulting monarchy ^^ deface; 
 
 *The translator here, and in several other places, imitates Dry- 
 den's ^neid in the modern way. 
 
 * Thames. A river of Inarime,' mentioned by several writers, 
 whose works are lost. 
 
 ' Trojan Colony. Planted by Brutus, the son of Sylvius, and 
 grandson of iEneas, nineteen years two months and eleven days 
 after the taking of Troy, according to several modern historians; 
 but this poem is the only ancient authority now extant, which 
 makes any mention of this matter. 
 
 8 Sturdy. The Greek is, 
 
 ^Tvpdaioi /SdyapEi /uevojuvr^P^^i ^' iysvovro: 
 in Latin Sturdi Begares, &c., which we can't render in English. 
 
 " Satan. The name of this evil spirit, and what follows in the 
 succeeding lines, is a sufficient proof that Homer was imitated in 
 the Mysteries of the Jewish Religion. 
 
 "Though our first parents were driven out of paradise by an 
 angel, yet, as Satan, who tempted them to sin, was the occasion of 
 it, he is not improperly said by Homer, to have driven them out. 
 
 " Insulting Monarchy. Iberia ; a coimtry of Asia, near Armenia.
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 39 
 
 Wliere in a dark, deep, dismal dungeon stood 
 His chariot made of ebony's black wood ; 
 Mounted on which, he keeps his dreadful courts 
 Of inquisition,^- and in horrour sports; 
 Bidding his flames their bodies to devour/^ 
 Whose souls he knows will soar beyond his power; 
 Besides, long causes working in his mind 
 And secret seeds of rancour lay behind. 
 Deep graven in his heart the doom remained 
 Of partial Harry and his Pope disdained ; ^^ 
 The love bestowed on beauteous Bullen's face, 
 Eliza's glories, and great Brunswick's race. 
 " Each was a cause alone, and all combined 
 To kindle vengeance, in his haughty mind." 
 
 Scarce had the Augustan fleet unfurled her sails, 
 And spread their bosoms to the eastern gales; 
 When floating ghastly ^^ on the infernal brook. 
 Despair and rage contending in his look, 
 The imperial spirit roared his hoarse voice ^^ forth. 
 Which, like a blast fierce rushing from the north, 
 
 " Inquisition. Hence the Lacedaemonians took their KsdSaZ 
 
 which is mentioned in Pausanias's Messen. Hence likewise our 
 good Christians have borrowed their Inquisition. 
 
 " The devil is here represented bringing his flames from hell, to 
 burn the bodies of those good men whose zeal inspires them to 
 suffer for their religion; from a consciousness, that he should have 
 no power to hurt them hereafter. 
 
 ^* The original here being very obscure, the translator hath ven- 
 tured on an anachronism, to pay a compliment to his own country. 
 
 ^^ Floating ghastly. Milton seems to have had this in his eye, 
 where he describes Satan in the same posture; 
 
 his other parts beside, 
 
 Prone on the flood, extended long and large. 
 Lay floating many a rood. 
 
 "His hoarse voice. Hoarseness is admirably imitated by the 
 sound of the verse in the original, which, it would almost make one 
 hoarse to repeat. Something like it is attempted by the translator.
 
 40 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Dispersed the gloom ^^ of hell. Mammon he calls, 
 His voice burst through the adamantine walls. 
 Within a long recess/^ where never ray 
 Of light etherial scares the fiends with day, 
 But fainting tapers glimmering pale around, 
 With darkness, their sulphureous steams confound. 
 The dome of Mammon rose, aloft in air, 
 Eeflecting through the gloom a golden glare. 
 Here horrour reigns, still miserably great 
 In solemn melancholy pomp of state. 
 
 "Dispersed the gloom. So Horace, 
 
 Albus ut obscuro deterget nubila coelo 
 Saepe notus 
 
 And Homer himself in another place gives the epithet of 
 aiBprjysvfjg to Boreas. 1\. 0. xv. 171. The comparison of the 
 breath of the infernal spirit to a northern blast, is so truly Homeri- 
 can, that it leaves no room to doubt who was the author of this 
 poem. Thus Homer compares the glittering of Diomede to the 
 Dog-Star; on which occasion I cannot lielp observing, Mr. Pope 
 gives too hasty a preference to Virgil, who hath only expressed 
 what is sufficiently implied with greater brevity, and perhaps 
 dignity, in his master. The very mention of the ^66rf}Z,b8ooZ,tvbi 
 was sufficient to convey the idea of its malign influence, especially 
 to the ancients, who were so terrified at its appearance, that the 
 inhabitants of Cos were wont to sacrifice to this star, in order to 
 avert his rage. Hector in the 11th Iliad, and Achilles in the 22d, 
 are in the same manner compared to this star. 
 " Within a long recess. Hence Virgil, 
 
 Est in secessu longo locus. 
 
 *e>^ 
 
 which the commentators, not having seen this poem, imagine he 
 copied from the 13th Odyssey. This description of Mammon's 
 Palace will hardly strike the reader with so dreadful an image, as 
 it did the translator. I can not forbear mentioning the propriety 
 of these two epithets, huge and dark, applied to the lantern; the 
 former of which expresses the ostentation, and the latter the use- 
 lessness of riches: nor can the reader be presented with an idea 
 so capable of inspiring him with a contempt of over-grown wealth, 
 as that of a huge lantern never lighted.
 
 
 lElDT^JLRJ 
 
 n> 
 
 ^)s^<^^ 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 r 
 
 Admiral Edward Vernon (16S4-T757.) 
 From an old engraTing.
 
 40 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Dispersed the g 
 
 of hell. Mammon he calls. 
 
 His voice burst 
 
 ■f! the adamantine walls. 
 
 Within a 1 
 
 where never ray 
 
 Of light < 
 
 'i day, 
 
 Hut fai'. 
 
 -rl. 
 
 With 
 
 found. 
 
 The < 
 
 
 Ee 
 
 'C. 
 
 T' 
 
 
 nd lite giuom. So Horace, 
 
 Albus ut obscuro deterget nubila coelo 
 Saepe notus 
 
 And Homer himself in another place gives the epithet of 
 aiOfnjyevfjg to Boreas. II. O. xv. 171. The comparison of the 
 breatn of the infernal spirit to a northern blast, is so truly Homeri- 
 can, that it leaves no room to doubt who was the author of this 
 poem. Thus Homer compares the glittering ' "' rnede to the 
 Dog-Star; on which occasion I cannot lielp c -....„', Mr. Pope 
 gives too hasty a preference to Virgil, who hath only expressed 
 what is suflSciently implied with greater brevity, and i>erhap3 
 digT; '- ^ master. The very mention '^6Ty)^b^ooZ,tvdi 
 
 wa^ .() convey the idea of its ma'. .uence. e pecially 
 
 to the ancients, who were so terrified at its appearand, that the 
 inhabitants of Cos were wont to sacrifice to this ^ order to 
 
 avert his rage. Hector in the 11th Iliad, and Aehuit> in the 22d, 
 are in the same manner compared to this star. 
 " Within a long recess. Hence Virgil, 
 
 Est in secessu longo locus. 
 
 which the commentators, not having sec- '■ >em, imagine he 
 
 copied from the 13th Odyssey. Thi* of Mammon's 
 
 ^•ill hardly strike the reader .1 an image, as 
 
 li • ' ' ^, tl,p propriety 
 
 of •. , , , :he lantern; the 
 
 former of a, and the latter the use- 
 
 lessness of riches: nor c;; reader be presented with an idea 
 
 so capable of inspiring him \m\*a a contempt of over-grown wealth, 
 as that of a huge lantern never lighted. 
 
 (.VJ^i-t'^di) nomaV biE7/b3 IfiitmbA
 
 ^ .,C " "^'"- ' ' ** * **«l>tt,; , ^ 
 
 
 
 TiERKOM IE so?
 
 TEE YERNONIAD 41 
 
 A huge dark lantern hung up in his hall. 
 And heaps of ill-got pictures " hid the wall. 
 
 " Ill-got pictures hid. Ill-got may here be understood of the 
 pictures themselves, or the method of obtaining them. Indeed by 
 the latter part of the verse, where they are represented as of no 
 other use but to hide the wall, I should rather prefer the former 
 sense; and as our poet everywhere attempts to inculcate a con- 
 tempt of riches, I apprehend he here endeavours to satirise the 
 clumsiness and want of taste, which is so often apparent in the 
 expenses of great men. There is a passage in Virgil, which I have 
 long suspected, and which, if rightly cured, will carry a strong 
 savour of our author. The line I point at is the 486th of the first 
 -^neid. All the copies I have ever seen, read it thus: 
 
 Animum pictura pascit inani. 
 
 Insulse! Why inani? Do we believe this was an imaginary, 
 not a real picture? Correct it thus: 
 
 Animum pictura pascit inanem. 
 
 He pleased his empty sgull with staring at the pictures. Thus 
 Horace, 
 
 Tollens vacuum plus nimio gloria verticem. 
 
 Carm. Lib. I, Ode 17. 
 
 But this reading is farther corroborated by Virgil himself in the 
 498th and 499th verses of the same book. 
 
 Hsec dum Dardanio ^Enete miranda videntur, 
 Dum stupet, obtutuque hseret defixus in uno: 
 
 where that noble poet hath drawn a stupid fellow, staring at the 
 picture, and that in the strongest colours. This passage gives me 
 an idea, which I cannot well set down on paper; nor is it possible 
 to convey it better to the reader than by desiring him to imagine 
 some rich man, without the least taste, having purchased a picture 
 at an immense price, lifting up his eyes at it with wonder and 
 astonishment, without being able to discover wherein its true merit 
 lies; according to the image in Mr. Dryden's Cymon and Iphigenia, 
 
 The fool of nature, stood with stupid eyes 
 And gaping mouth that testified surprise. 
 
 We hope the pictures we have drawn in this note will strike some 
 great connoisseurs.
 
 43 THE VERNONIAD 
 
 " ManuTLon, least hateful of all fiends below 
 To me; to man the greatest deadliest foe,^" 
 Shall we thus smoothly see the ages run/^ 
 And view triumphant whom we wish undone ? 
 What strange new clemency our morals taints ! 
 How our hate slumbers, and our fierceness faints! 
 No more our Lewis ^^ spreads the iron chain, 
 For Europe's ^^ neck which Marlborough ^^ cut in 
 twain ; 
 
 '"To man the greatest foe. Here we have the reason given us 
 why Satan fixed on Mammon for this enterprise. We are told, he 
 was of all infernal spirits the greatest foe to man; Milton calls him 
 the least erect of all the fallen angels, saying, that he was of so 
 abject a nature, that he admired nothing in heaven but the golden 
 pavement. The poet, under this odious character, represents to 
 us the great power and various evils of riches; and indeed, the only 
 objection of any weight which hath been raised against believing 
 Homer to have been the author of this poem, is, that the descrip- 
 tion of riches in it seems to have been drawn by one better ac- 
 quainted with them than we have reason to suppose him to have 
 been: But even this will be by no means conclusive; for not to 
 mention the poet, whom my friend Hogarth, the exactest copier of 
 nature, hath introduced treating of riches, in no very rich situation. 
 I believe it may be asserted that the power and weight of wealth 
 is best felt by poverty, which most rich men endeavour to insult 
 and crush. 
 
 "^ Shall we thus, &c. So Claudian in Rusinum, Lib. I. 
 
 Siccine tranquillo produci ssecula cursu? 
 Sic fortunatas patiemur vivere gentes? 
 Quae nova corrupit nostros dementia mores? 
 Quo rabies innata perit? 
 
 "Lewis in the original. Aovt? King of Thrace, great grand- 
 father by the mother side to Lycurgus. 
 
 -' Europe, that part of it bordered on Thrace. 
 
 -* Marlborough. MaX^opQ in the Greek, who is by some 
 thought to have been the same with Hercules. Dr. B. will have 
 it derived from juaXa valde, and /3opa. cibus; quasi discreet. 
 Qui Martem multo cibo satiabat. Whether he has been rightly 
 confounded with Hercules, I will not determine; certain it is that
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 43 
 
 Charles,-^ who their bowels from vast empires tore, 
 
 Now sleeps, and plagues the northern world no more. 
 
 Iberia now alone asserts our reign, 
 
 Inspired by us, she launches on the main; 
 
 In peace she plunders, in cold blood can kill, 
 
 And even emulates ourselves in ill. 
 
 But see, at length, Augusta's navy arms, 
 
 And her foes tremble with her just alarms ; 
 
 Haste, Mammon, haste, ascend thy glittering bar, 
 
 Haste, and obstruct the progress of the war." 
 
 He ceased, and sunk his head within the flood 
 
 Sulphureous hissed,^® and quaked the molten mud, 
 
 his labours were at least equal to that hero's, and that he engaged 
 a monster as fierce as the hydra; but this could not be the hydra 
 conquered by Hercules: for, in the first place, the monster which 
 our M.a\fto(3& attacked had indeed many thousands of hands, 
 but no more than one head. Secondly, he did not slay him, he 
 only cut off his hands, which after the death of MaX(3opS all 
 grew again, and the monster recovered his former strengtli, by the 
 assistance of a certain magician called o6ovoz or "ydovo^ or 
 according to the Laconians. "ydovop in Latin Hishonor. This 
 magician is said to have invented a certain aurum potabile, by 
 which he could turn men into swine or asses, whence some think 
 he had his name V? signifying a swine, and oKop Laconice or op 
 an ass. Sanchoniathon. Pherecydes in lib. amiss. &c. 
 
 "Charles who, &c. The Greek is XapiXaoz a name of which 
 Plutarch in the Life of Lycurgus gives us this etymology, 
 viz.: Xaipoo Gaudeo, and Aabi Populus; insinuating, that all 
 people rejoiced at his birth; which, as he was born to plunder 
 them, is very probable. This inclination of theirs, the honours in 
 all ages paid to conquerors (alias robbers) tyrants (alias mur- 
 derers) and prime ministers (alias plunderers) sufficiently testify. 
 The XapiXaQ mentioned by Plutarch was the nephew of the 
 Lacedemonian Lycurgus; who this XapiXaO was is not so cer- 
 tain; neither is his country: Dr. B places him on one side 
 
 of the Caspian Sea, and Burman on the other. 
 
 =" Sulphureous hissed. So Ovid, 5 Metam. 405. 
 
 Perque lacus sacros et olentia sulphuro fertur stagna. 
 
 And Milton. Fiery gulph. Fiery waves. Burning lake, &c.
 
 44 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Back to his Dome, obedient Mammon flies, 
 And from his hoard a mighty bag supplies 
 With that allpowerful metal, whose command 
 We neither dare to fly from, nor withstand. 
 Detain it, hell, and send us in its room. 
 Fever, pale-faced,"'^ or plague with spotted plume; 
 Around us flutter famine's ^^ meagre shade; 
 Let earthquakes shake us, or the sword invade. 
 In vain with steel the foe alarms our isle. 
 
 Secure we find a bulwark in A ^* 
 
 But gold, though blest with him, we may bemoan. 
 His virtue there secures himself alone. 
 Augusta's fleet now, entring on the main, 
 Ploughed frothy furrows on the liquid plain. 
 When pearched upon a rock old Mammon sate. 
 And thus in indignation did debate: 
 " Shall I submit to those whom I despise. 
 And quit my schemes as B did ^° his E- ? 
 
 " Fever pale-faced. Horace in imitation perhaps of our author 
 hath personified the same malady. 
 
 nova Febrium 
 
 Ferris incubuit Cohors. 
 
 And Virgil and Claudian have done the same by decease itself. 
 
 Primis in faucibus Orci 
 
 Pallentes habitant Morbi 
 
 Impatiensque sui Morbus, &c. 
 
 "Around us flutter famine. Hence Virgil, 
 
 Nox atra cava circumvolat Umbra. 
 
 «»A . We here follow the original strictly, nor have put 
 
 the name at length, since he must be egregiously ignorant of history 
 who cannot fill it up. Homer perhaps writ in this manner whilst 
 the hero was alive, for fear of oflfending him, who never gave any 
 other reason to his great intimates to suspect he liked praise, than 
 by continually deserving it. 
 
 80 ^g B &c. This word, as well as that at the end of the 
 
 verse being likewise easy to be filled up, we shall leave the original 
 to our reader as we found it.
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 45 
 
 Shall I this fleet permit to scour the sea? 
 And then excuse myself by Fates decree ? 
 Shall I let merchants triumph, and no more 
 See their rich ships made booty on their shore? 
 Merchants ! ^^ whom I must envy ; for their wealth 
 Is by just means acquired, but mine by stealth ; 
 And while I'm cursed for every groat, their pains 
 Are honoured most, when most returned with gains." 
 Could Buckin •■'- ***** 
 
 ***** « 
 
 ****** 
 
 •P "t* ^ •!• H" ^ 
 
 ****** 
 ***** * 
 
 But I who 1 who am or look thus big, 
 
 (Then strutted he about and set his wig.) 
 With one poor city this long strife maintain; 
 
 *^ Merchants! &c. It may be asked why Mammon should have an 
 animosity against merchants, since it may be imagined their wealth 
 should rather recommend them to him? To which I answer, first, 
 that poverty, which is so detestable in Mammon's sight, is the 
 mother of industry, on which all trade and merchandise is founded. 
 
 Secondly, It is the nature of trade to circulate and spread riches 
 universally, whereas the delight of Mammon is to engross and amass 
 them into one private heap. Tliirdly, Mammon as the God of 
 Kiches, must be supposed likewise ambitious of power; it is there- 
 fore reasonable to conceive the cause of his antipathy to a set of 
 men, who from an honest pride which attends riches, when the effects 
 of merit and procured by industry might be more sparing of their 
 sacrifices, and less humble to his honour than those wretches, who 
 (their wealth however great not being equal to their luxury) would 
 submit at any rate to receive his riches and his bounty. Our author 
 therefore hath no where copied nature with more exactness and 
 penetration than by making Mammon express an hatred for 
 merchants 
 
 ^- 1 have presented this passage to the reader, as it stands in the 
 original. Some antiquaries imagine these were originally Greek 
 characters, something resembling those on theBs^pocpaSovhut much 
 older. One antiqviary lost his eyes, and another his understanding, 
 in endeavouring to decypher them.
 
 46 TEE VEBNONIAD 
 
 What will ever kiss my again ;^' 
 
 Will flatter, cringe or bend his body low? 
 Sure little Billy ^* will forget to bow : 
 
 '' Kiss my again. This hiatus is indeed highly to be la- 
 mented. It is doubtless a place of great obscurity. A hole (says 
 one) which the devil would not attempt to stop. Dr. B. calls it, 
 not without a sneer, Ditis spiraculum; whence I imagine he smells 
 the true reading: however I shall venture to offer a conjecture in 
 opposition to those who would supply the word cr&/ia (mouth) in 
 the original, being (say they) the only seat of kissing. But, first, 
 Aristophanes shows us, that the Corinthian ladies were wont to 
 present another part to their lovers. 
 
 Tbv TtpooKTov dvrag svQvg cbg rarov rpsitaov. — Plut. 153. 
 And this too it seems was a very particular favour, and conferred 
 only on their rich favourites. Venus was so liberal of the same 
 part that she obtained the epithet of KaXXiTtoyO. Nor was this 
 a sign of wantonness; for when Homer describes the chaste Androm- 
 ache taking leave of her husband, he says she did it svrpoTtaX- 
 i^ouivrj, a word which hath been misunderstood by all his modern 
 commentators. Virgil, who truly comprehends his meaning, renders 
 this word by avertens. 
 
 Dixit et avertens rosea cervice refulsit. 
 
 Whence we may observe, that ^neas did not know his own mother 
 until she turned that part to him which he had been used to kisa, 
 and immediately he adds, 
 
 Et vera incessu patuit Dea 
 
 I shall take no notice of the divinum odorem spiravere, nor need 
 
 I mention that after he had paid his compliments to her, then 
 
 again : 
 
 Pedes vestis defluxit ad imas. 
 
 I might conclude that our better sort of people retain this certain 
 mark of their Trojan antiquity to this day, and when they intend 
 
 to make you a very high compliment, it is by saying, kiss my 
 
 a phrase which a certain great person uses so frequently, that a wit 
 once said of him, that like the snake in the almanack, he always 
 carried his tail in his mouth. But what puts this out of all doubt, 
 is an ancient coin which hath been lately republished, where a great 
 man presents this amiable part to be saluted by his visitants. 
 
 ^* Little Billy, some insignificant fellow whom history takes no 
 notice of.
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 47 
 
 Even he will dare to look upwards, scorn my ease, 
 
 And fearless lift his nostrils to my face. 
 
 Thus he with voice indignant roared and streight 
 
 His chariot mounts, which bended with his weight. 
 
 So on the stage, as nimble and as light 
 
 Into the basket ^^ leaps the doughty knight. 
 
 And now he bids his charioteer resort 
 
 With swiftest pace to th' ^olian court. 
 
 Down in a vale the ^olian palace stands. 
 
 The mighty master-piece of mortal hands; 
 
 A hollow pile, whose marble front displays 
 
 To Sol its whiteness, and reflects his rays; 
 
 Within all dark, impervious to the sight,^^ 
 
 The mimick windows ^'^ ne'er admitting light. 
 
 Below, a thousand subterraneous cells,^^ 
 
 Where each rough wind in separate lodgings dwells : 
 
 Eternal murmurs thro' the cave abound; 
 
 Aloft sits ^olus, and puffs around ; ^^ 
 
 '" Into a basket. This shows the stage is much ancienter than 
 is commonly imagined, as well as the great antiquity of the basket, 
 which is universally known to have been in use in the times of 
 Aristophanes; and it is apprehended (had not a wholesome law 
 prevented it) would by this time have been in use again, and an- 
 other fat knight might have been exposed in it. 
 
 *' Impervious to the sight. Ovid had imitated this in his palace 
 of sheep. 
 
 Quo nunquam Radiis, oriens mediusve cadensve. 
 Phoebus adire potest. 
 
 " Mimick windows. This fashion of building sham windows exists 
 at this day. 
 '* Hence Garth, 
 
 Winds lay hushed in subterranean beds, 
 
 Dispens. Canto II. 
 ^ Puffs around. The Greek is, 
 
 rvdBvi TpvdTjds TCaxsiag. 
 
 '° He puffed out his bloated cheeks. Though this, if understood 
 literall}', gives us a very good picture of the God of Winds, I am
 
 48 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Here o'er his treasury of winds presides. 
 
 Their motions governs,**' and their breathing guides, 
 
 rather inclined to believe Homer had here in his eye some empty, 
 conceited fellow of his time, whom he lashes here in the character 
 of ^olus, as he hath again in his Batrachomuomachia, where he 
 gives the epithet of (pvcriyvaBQ to BdrpaxO, i. e. a puffed up toad. 
 And Aristophanes uses the verb ipv6aco in the same sense in his 
 Thesmophoriazousai. 
 
 Ev. FeGoaTog st, 
 KccBtZs, tpvaa t})v yvoBov rr}v Ss^rav 
 
 Which may be thus translated. "Sir you are a great man; will 
 your honour be pleased to sit down? Come puff me up your right 
 cheek, and that will convince us all of your greatness." In the 
 same manner Platus uses the verb Sufflo in his Stichus, where one 
 servant bids the other puff up his cheeks like a venemous serpent. 
 The same author likewise in another play, introduces a very ex- 
 traordinary puffer, who is complimented by his parasite with hav- 
 ing puffed away whole armies, like so many leaves of a tree. In 
 this metaphorical sense we now use the word puff, which as well 
 as the thing itself, is at present in great vogue. 
 
 *° Their motions governs, &c. ^olus is here introduced at the 
 head of his winds, with the same absolute authority which Jupiter 
 in the beginning of the 8th Iliad exerts over the rest of the gods, 
 with a literal translation of which I shall present the reader: 
 
 " Hark ye me, all you Gods, and all you Goddesses ; I will tell you 
 what the wrath in my stomach prompts me to: Let not one Deity 
 among you, whether male or female, attempt to invalidate my 
 motion; but, nemine contradicente, go all of you into it, that I may 
 quickly accomplish the work I am upon. For if I shall perceive 
 any one of you withdraw himself from me, and assist the Trojans or 
 Greeks, he shall not get back to the Olympick House without the 
 marks of my resentment; or I will cast him out into tartarean 
 obscurity, into a deep dungeon with iron gates and brazen thresholds. 
 as far below hell as heaven is from earth. I'll make the rascal 
 sensible, how much superior I am in power to all the rest of the 
 Gods. But come on and make one experiment for your satisfaction. 
 Bring forth a golden chain, enter into a confederacy, and hang 
 yourselves all on it ; you shall not be able to pull down from his seat 
 Jupiter the chief counsellor; no, though you do your utmost. But 
 if I undertake to draw, at one tug away comes earth and sea along 
 with it. Then would I fasten the chain to the top of Olympus, and
 
 THE VERNONIAD 49 
 
 Now bids them all be silent, and now blow. 
 
 While all submissive watch his ay or no.*^ 
 
 Which did he not, their unresisted sway 
 
 Would sweep the world before 'em in their way. 
 
 In vain would travellers resist their force; 
 
 The greatest man their fury would unhorse,*^ 
 
 Hurl from his saddle, and dash forth his brains, 
 
 Eegardless of his spurs, or golden reins. 
 
 In vain long artful puzzling schemes of power 
 
 The minister would lay; when in an hour 
 
 The work of ages would be overthrown. 
 
 And all the Babel project tumbled down.*^ 
 
 But Jupiter, who wisely this foresaw, 
 
 Eestrained their fury by a bribing awe ; 
 
 leave the whole universe dangling at the end of it. So much am I 
 superior to Gods and mortals." 
 
 " There is another picture of arbitrary power in the Iliad worth 
 observing." 
 
 'u4AA.' 0(5' a.vr](3 k^iXei mpi Ttavroov ejn/ievat aXXcov 
 icdvTOJV jxkv Kparieiv IQsXsi, Ttarzeddi d ' avdadetv 
 icadi 81 6Tjjiiaiveiv.—l\. I. 887. 
 
 But that imperious, the unconquered soul. 
 No laws can limit, no respect controul: 
 Before his pride must his superiors fall, 
 His word the law, and he the lord of all? 
 
 Pope. 
 
 "Ay or no. It is impossible that Homer here by the winds in- 
 tended to show the insignificance of inferiors in an absolute govern- 
 ment. This brings to my mind a passage in Aulus Gellius: Non 
 pauci sunt qui opinantur Pedarios Senatores appellatos, qui sen- 
 tentiam in Senatu non verbis dicerent, sed in alienam sententiam 
 pedibus irent. Lib III. c 18. 
 
 "Thus Cato describes the force of the wind Cercius. His words 
 are quum loquare, Buccam implet, Armatum Hominem, plaustrum 
 oneratum percellit. Gell. Lib. II. cap. 22. 
 
 *^This is a little obscure, but Homer's meaning is, that it would 
 be in vain for any man to lay schemes in order to procure vast sums 
 of money and build fine houses which the winds would blow do^^Tt 
 again. 
 
 Misc. Writings TT — 4
 
 50 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Made iEolus, dispenser of their meat; 
 
 (Ev'n winds subsist not long,** unless they eat,) 
 
 Gave them moreover vanity and pride/^ 
 
 To be by ^olus, alone, supply'd. 
 
 Hence he rewards the wind that bellows best 
 
 With a rich cell adorned beyond the rest. 
 
 But Boreas should he dare unbid to roar, 
 
 Would be turned out and be a wind no more. 
 
 Wliilst some poor breeze, of some ignoble race 
 
 'Til then unheard of, would supply his place. 
 
 Thus iEolus with arbitrary sway 
 
 Lords it aloft, and all the winds obey. 
 
 Here Mammon came, and at the palace gate 
 
 Alighting, saw the winds m order wait. 
 
 Bowing he passed forgetful of his pride. 
 
 And as he passed, he touched *** on every side. 
 
 At length, into the ruler's presence led. 
 
 Thus with his wonted eloquence *'^ he said. 
 
 ** Winds subsist not, &c. This is strictly agreeable to philosophy, 
 and finely touched upon by Milton. Paradise Lost, V. 417. 
 
 *' Vanity and pride. The passions are rightly ascribed to the 
 winds, which as Dr. Trapp observes, in his learned notes on the 
 first Georgic, proceed from vapours. When we impute them to men, 
 we are obliged to borrow our metaphors from the winds; thus we 
 say, He is blown up with vanity, puft'ed up with pride, &c. 
 
 *" Touched, i. e. bribed. Perfectly in the character of Mammon. 
 To touch is metaphorically used in this sense, for man is represented 
 as a touch-stone; and his rejecting gold when offered him is un- 
 derstood as an indication that it is not true gold. 
 
 " Wonted eloquence. Bribery. Thus Euripides, 
 
 Xpvdbi Sk Kpstddoov fivpioov Xoycov Bporotg. 
 
 Gold hath more eloquence in the ears of men than ten thousand 
 harangues. But it seems it is not only able to inspire men to 
 speak; it can also oblige them to hold their tongues; of which 
 Plutarch in the Life of Demosthenes, tells us the following story: 
 Harpalus flying from Alexander to the Athenians besought their 
 protection, which, the other public orators having their eyes dazzled 
 iTtocpBaX/itadavTsg with his gold, persuaded the people to accord
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 61 
 
 " ^olus ! for to thee the king of heaven 
 
 The power of tempests, and of winds has given; 
 
 Thy force alone their fury can restrain 
 
 And smooth the waves, and swell the troubled main. 
 
 him: but Demosthenes (not having yet touched) insisted on his dis- 
 mission, that they might not involve themselves in an unnecessary 
 war. A few days afterwards Harpalus observing Demosthenes much 
 pleased with the royal cup, and examining the sculpture and beauty 
 of its fashion, desired him to handle it, and consider the weight of 
 the gold; Demosthenes being surprised with its heaviness, and ask- 
 ing what it would bring nodov ay si which is a pun in the original; 
 Harpalus answered with a smile, twenty talents : and the next night 
 sent it him with that sum, for Harpalus had a shrewd knack at dis- 
 covering a man's passion for gold by the blinking of his eyes. 
 Demosthenes could not hold out, but being smitten with the bribe, 
 like a town that hath received a garrison into it, came over to 
 Harpalus; and the next day, having carefully wrapped up his neck 
 with wool and swathes, came forth into the assembly of the people; 
 and when they called on him to stand up and speak, he made signs, 
 as one who had a total impediment in his speech; upon which the 
 wits in derision cried out: His throat is not stopped with a 
 squinzy, but with money. The original is yK anbevvdyxVQi'^'': 
 rather Kwdrxv?) o.XXd dit dpyvpayxoog a quibble which it is im- 
 possible to translate. The same story is told in Aulus Gellius, Lib. 
 XI. cap. 9. I shall here (since I am speaking of the force of money) 
 add a quotation from this last author in his next succeeding chapter. 
 Caius Gracchus in his speech against the Aufeian law, thus ad- 
 dresses the Romans. 
 
 " For you, gentlemen, if you please to employ your wisdom in the 
 enquiry, will find no man comes hither, without a bribe. All we, 
 who open our mouths, aim at some reward ; nor doth any one appear 
 before you, but in order to carry something away from you. Even 
 I, who am persuading you to increase your tributes, that you may 
 the better conduct your own affairs and the republics, do not make 
 my apearance gratis, though I aim not at your money, but your good 
 opinion and esteem; those, who would dissuade this law, seek not 
 your esteem, but the money of Nicodemes." 
 
 I shall conclude this note witn the tag of an old song: 
 
 Sing tantararara, bribe all, bribe all. 
 Sing tantararara b bs all.
 
 52 THE VERNONIAD 
 
 A race of sturdy slaves *^ abhorred by me, 
 With prosperous passage cut the British sea, 
 Their course to my Iberia's court they steer, 
 Iberia for her wealth to me so dear; 
 Eouze western blasts and stop their full career. 
 'Tis not my way to ask a boon for nought; 
 Thy favours shall at any price be bought. 
 If beauty's charms be most thy darling care, 
 My gold, which none resist, shall buy the fair; 
 
 Another Sh bury " if the land aiford 
 
 (She is, alas! not venal, nor her lord) 
 But find another with those charms divine. 
 Maid, wife or widow, she is surely thine; 
 Else her and hers in poverty I'll souse,^° 
 Down goes the noble and the virtuous house. 
 Or, in thy thoughts, if ornaments excell, 
 (And sure a briban ^^ would become thee well) 
 
 These thou shalt have, or if, within your ear, 
 
 Assure it to thyself, my power is clear, 
 
 If all these, singly, in thine eyes seem small, 
 
 Here, take my purse, and that will buy them all. 
 
 For doubting, sure, thou canst have no pretence; 
 
 To shun a bribe must argue want of sense. 
 
 A wise man's conscience always hath a price: 
 
 Those that are dear are called by blockheads nice. 
 
 *" Sturdy slaves. gSpSZlot fiiyapEQ /xkv vide supra. 
 
 *8 Sh bury, in the original Xapiroov jxia, i. e. one of the graces. 
 
 Homer hath a passage in his 14 II. v. 267, very similar to this; 
 which Virgil hath finely imitated. 
 
 '"' Souse. This word is rather too burlesque for an epick poem, 
 but I could find no other strong enough. 
 
 " Briban "A B Zt^oov in MS. a word which I can by no means 
 arrive at the true meaning, or indeed any meaning, at all of. Some 
 will read it rpi/Soov but why Mammon should present ^olus with 
 an old cloak is not so easily to be conceived. Others contend that 
 Bpt^cov is a compound of Bpz valde and BaovBor. pro.B;^j',nummus, 
 and here signifies a large sum of money. Others again will have
 
 THE VERNONIAD 53 
 
 Nature 'twixt men no other bounds hath set 
 
 Than that of sums — the little and the great. 
 
 Nor is it reckoned scandalous, to be 
 
 A rogue. The scandal lies in the degree; 
 
 A little robber meets my disregard, 
 
 A great one my embraces and reward; 
 
 And laws the little rogues alone pursue, 
 
 As floods drown those not able to swim thro'. 
 
 If then, above my offered price you soar, 
 
 Send forth your winds — and then demand me more. 
 
 But sure, no virtue holds your fearful hands: 
 
 Nor love nor pity, nor great Jove's commands; 
 
 Virtue's a name a bubble or a fart,^^ 
 
 And starves the belly where it rules the heart. 
 
 Virtue as distant from our interest lies ^^ 
 
 As fire from water, or from earth the skies: 
 
 A fleeting shadow of a substance dead; 
 
 And as for Jove, he troubles not his head; 
 
 But on his throne sips nectar, and then nods, 
 
 And leaves the earth to us, his demy-gods : 
 
 Cares not the affairs of wretched men to know, 
 
 Indifferent where I plunder, or you blow, 
 
 it to be a corruption of 'Appafiwv which signifies an earnest; and 
 this reading they say may be restored by joining the A to the word, 
 and by the changing only two letters ; and some pretend to have seen 
 a copy where the letter B is omitted. Judices, Lector erudite, I 
 can't omit however the reading which a facetious friend of mine hath 
 offered in the translation, viz. A bribe on; i. e. it would become thee 
 as a badge to show all the world thou art bribed, agreeable to the 
 doctrine before laid down by Mammon. 
 
 "This disregard to virtue and nobility, is highly suitable to the 
 character of Mammon. 
 
 •^Virtue as distant, &c. Lucan hath imitated this speech of Mam- 
 mon, particularly in these two lines, which he puts into the mouth 
 of Pothinus. 
 
 Sidera Terra 
 
 Ut distant et flamma mari, sic utile recto. 
 
 Pharsal. Lib. viii.
 
 54 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 As some rapacious heir/'* with eager eyes 
 Sees on the board the golden heaps arise." 
 The careful miser oft recounts it o'er. 
 And, though for gain, reluctant quits the store; 
 
 ■** This simile is truly of the epick, and agrees with an observation 
 which have somewhere met with, on the similes of the three great 
 epick poets, viz. that though they do not affect with a glaring re- 
 semblance at first, yet these great masters never leave the simile, 
 till they have struck out something which conveys a beautiful or 
 noble idea to the reader. Thus the two first lines of this simile 
 scarce affect us at all. And in the four last, the images rise grad- 
 ually above each other. Here we see first the caution with which 
 the wages of corruption are distributed, and the great care used 
 lest any of the scandalous receivers should be over-paid. Secondly. 
 The reluctance with which such seeming favours are bestowed, in 
 order to wipe off all colour of generosity from them. Thirdly, 
 The eagerness with which they are swallowed by vicious minds. 
 And fourthly, the curse of attending them. Lest these beauties 
 should be overlooked by any ordinary reader, I have been thus 
 particular in their explanation. And indeed it is to be wished that 
 some little pains were taken in pointing out the beauties of modern 
 poets, who with half the labour which hath been thrown away on 
 the ancient might, I doubt not, be proved greatly to excell the said 
 Antients; and certainly it will not be said, that the moderns are 
 less obscure ; for though Persius be the most obscure of all the Latin 
 authors, and Lycophron of all the Greek, yet they are, notwith- 
 standing the great distance of time, to be understood even by 
 foreigners; whereas many of the moderns are not intelligible even 
 to their own countrymen, without the help of some commentator, 
 who with infinite pains, and long travelling through strange books, 
 at last by accident, rather than any thing else, arrives at their 
 meaning. Of this we have an instance in the prosaick works of our 
 Laureate, several parts of which till explained by the herculean 
 labours of Captain Vinegar, were by no means to be comprehended. 
 I shall attempt an example in his poeticks. 
 
 Lord of the main, the British power looks round. 
 But finds no glorious foe that would be found; 
 War-bound in ports the frighted spoilers lie. 
 Nor dare to swell a sail in Britain's eye. 
 
 Ode, Birth-Day. Col. Cib. Sq. ; Po. La. 1740.
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 55 
 
 The youth, at last, of present pleasure fond, 
 
 Snatches the gold, regardless of the bond; 
 
 So yEolus long wishfull eyed the purse. 
 
 Then grasped it fast, nor feared Jove's future curse. 
 
 " 'Tis yours,^^ he cry'd, all beings to command. 
 
 The nerves of power are glittering in your hand. 
 
 Virtue and honour wisely you contemn, 
 
 In value both capricious as a gem. 
 
 All were by Eoman virtue overcome. 
 
 For virtue was the money of old Home. 
 
 Beauty for gems ^^ is in Augusta sold. 
 
 For in Augusta gems are bought with gold ; 
 
 He that can understand this without a comment, shall by my 
 consent be critic Laureate, whereas by making found and bound 
 change places, what is easier? Then the sense runs, Britain finds 
 no foe glorious enough to venture being bound in her chains: for 
 war being found out (alluding to the situation of affairs during the 
 twelve years preceding our declaration of war, when it was im- 
 possible to say whether he had war or peace) the frighted spoilers 
 lie, &c. I shall conchtde this note, which had sprung into an un- 
 usual length, by observing that if Dr. Bentley had never given us 
 his comment on Milton, it is more than possible few of us would 
 have understood that poet in the same surprisingly fine manner with 
 that great critic. 
 
 65 jrpjg yours, &c. The address of ^olus in flattering Mammon 
 with the great force of money, will be remarked by a judicious 
 reader; his comparing virtue to a jewel, and considering both as 
 receiving their value from money, may be perhaps aimed at that 
 extravagant flattery which one would imagine should raise a blush 
 in the receiver as well as the giver. Perhaps by putting flattery 
 into the mouth of iEolus, Homer would insinuate, that all unjust 
 praise is to be regarded only as mere empty wind. 
 
 =*« Beauty for gems. Tradition tells us, the people of this island 
 were so corrupt, that it was common for husbands to prostitute 
 their wives, and parents their children for money; nay, it is af- 
 firmed that many made a public livelihood of this infamous trade; 
 and were neither ashamed of it themselves, or upbraided for it by 
 others.
 
 56 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 Should wanton fashion your great steps pursue, 
 And scorn all gems, as virtue's scorned by you ; '^^ 
 Both jewels would be held alike at nought ; 
 
 B ps would frown, and D rds ^^ not lend a 
 
 groat. 
 As all things lay in one great chaos hurled, 
 'Till lucid order ^^ first had formed the world : 
 So from one common mass you call things forth, 
 And at your pleasure give each atom worth.®" 
 A toy so simple, that with proud disdain 
 The rural nymph rejects it from her swain : 
 Past through your hands,® ^ receives another name, 
 And is preferred to virtue, honour, fame. 
 All things in colours, as you bid them, glow, 
 Virtue looks black,® ^ and vice resembles snow. 
 
 "Virtues scorned by you. Those who are acquainted with the 
 character of Mammon, will highly taste this passage. 
 
 ■^ B ps and D rds. These two words are imperfect in 
 
 the Greek. I suppose they were both proper names, the former 
 probably dealt in virtue, and the latter in jewels. Such kind of 
 traders as we read in scripture were driven out of the temple. 
 
 " Lucid order. Lucidus ordo, Horace. 
 
 "* At your pleasure give each atom worth. In the same light 
 Mammon or Plutus is described by Aristophanes. 
 
 MovooTCXT© yap st dv itdvroov airiQ 
 Kal r' KaKoov Koci r' ayoB&v 
 
 Plut. 182. 3. 
 
 Thou art the onliest cause of all good or evil. 
 
 " Passed through your hands. Alluding to gilding, or washing 
 with gold. The rest of this speech represents the various power of 
 riches. 
 
 "Virtue looks black. This is meant (says one) of the clergy 
 only, who always appear in black, and cannot be extended to the 
 law, which is very often in black in the morning, and in lace and 
 embroidery in the afternoon. But with submission, I apprehend 
 this is not meant particularly of either : for why should the black- 
 ness in the beginning of the line be rather applied to their govpns, 
 than the whiteness at the end of it to their surplices. The meaning 
 of the poet in these four lines, is no more than that riches often
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 57 
 
 Pale honour sickens with a yellow mien. 
 
 And infamy in scarlet robes is seen. 
 
 Nature turns back and shudders at my reign. 
 
 And fate at last laments his broken chain. 
 
 Dulness and ignorance though thee preserve,*' 
 
 Their faint weak works, while wit and learning starve. 
 
 Nor things inanimate alone obey, 
 
 Submissive men yield to thy sway. 
 
 The world's thy puppet-shew,®* and human things *^ 
 
 Dance, or hang by, as thou dost touch the strings. 
 
 give those honours to vice which are due to virtue, and that disgrace 
 to virtue which is the just portion of vice. So Hesiod. 
 
 TtXvTQo S' apsrij Ki kvSQ, OTtr/Sei 
 
 Virtue and honour always attend riches, 
 
 Ovid in his Fastorum. 
 
 Dat Census Honorea. 
 
 I shall add Garth in his Dispensary. 
 
 Gold makes a patrician of a slave, 
 
 A dwarf an Atlas, a Thersites brave: 
 
 It cancels all defects, and in their places. 
 
 Finds sense in B , &c. 
 
 Dispens. Canto. II. 
 
 " Dullness and ignorance preserve their works, &c. The poet 
 alludes to those books which are well bound and gilt. Mr. Pope in 
 his Dunciad introduces this thought very prettily, by ascribing it to 
 the care which the author himself takes for the preservation of 
 his offspring. 
 
 which fond authors were so good to gild. 
 
 Others imagine this is a sneer at rich and injudicious patrons, 
 who encourage the writings of blockheads, while Homer himself 
 starved. 
 
 "*The world's thy puppet-show. Puppet-shows are of great an- 
 tiquity. Lucian De Dea Syria mentions a puppet-show which was 
 played in honour of Bacchus, in that antient temple, which he built 
 to Juno in Syria. He describes the puppets to have been little men 
 
 "Human things. Men.
 
 58 TEE VERNONIAD 
 
 In gay and solemn characters they shine. 
 
 In robes or rags : for all the skill is thine. 
 
 Behind the curtain in a various note. 
 
 Thou bawlest or thou squeakest through each throat. 
 
 Each puppet's drest, as to thy will seems good, 
 
 The robes thou giv'st them — and the rest is wood. 
 
 " Enough, enough," cried Mammon, '' all is true, 
 
 This purse already for your praise is due. 
 
 Men in my favour nought unf eed will say : 
 
 Sure praise is justly mine,*® for which I pay. 
 
 made of wood, /nsyaXa ctiSota exovrat, and one, I suppose the 
 
 Punch, was, he tells us, made of brass. This fellow, it seems, took 
 
 the right hand of every body with the same assurance as he doth at 
 
 this day. Aristotle, in his Chapter de Mundo, seems to have taken 
 
 his description of a puppet-show from our author; whence Apuleius 
 
 hath borrowed his. The words of Apuleius are these: Illi qui in 
 
 Ligneclis hominum figuris gestus movent, quando Filum Membri 
 
 quod agitare solent traxerint, torquebitur Cervix, mutabit Caput, 
 
 oculi vibrabunt, Manus ad Ministerium praesto erunt, &c. Those 
 
 who dance the wooden figures of men, when they draw the string 
 
 of that particular member which they would move, presently, 
 
 according to the string which is touched, the neck is twisted, the 
 
 head nods, the eyes roll, or the hands perform the ministerial 
 
 purpose. 
 
 Horace compares a man who is a slave to his passions, to a puppet 
 
 which moves not of itself, but receives its motion from something 
 
 else. 
 
 Duceris ut nervis alienis mobile Lignum. 
 
 Where I should agree with Dr. Bentley in substituting Signum, 
 was not my assent withheld by that proverbial expression of a 
 sorry stick of wood, which was originally derived from hence, and 
 is applied to a good-for-nothing fellow, who is a slave to his own 
 passions, or perhaps by them a slave to the passions and purposes 
 of another. Aulus Gellius in his ridicule on astrology, at the be- 
 ginning of the fourteenth book, represents men under the influence 
 of the stars in the same light. Such are, say he, not to be re- 
 gai ded as men or reasonable animals, but as ludicrous and ridiculous 
 puppets. 
 
 " Sure praise is justly mine, &e. So martial : 
 
 quod ernis possis dicere jure tuum.
 
 TEE VERNONIAD 59 
 
 But now the winds to my request assign, 
 
 Another purse, a larger shall be thine." 
 
 The ^olian monarch bowed, — and quick the West 
 
 Eushed forth, the other winds were lulled to rest. 
 
 From where its bounds the palace garden ends,®'' 
 
 A long canal its silver waves extends. 
 
 On either bank, thick planted in a row, 
 
 The spreading elms in beauteous order grow. 
 
 The avenue to winds: through which they throng;, 
 
 Pass and repass, and roll and roar along. 
 
 Here swiftly rushing, zephyr to the shore 
 
 Black blasts and hideous howling tempests bore. 
 
 Behind he leaves those breezes which devour 
 
 In June's fair night, the sweetness of the flower: 
 
 Or which in sultry noons, when Coelia lies 
 
 Far from the shade, exposed to scorching skies. 
 
 On sunny banks, the charmer lulls to rest, 
 
 Plays round and wantons on her glowing breast; 
 
 Fans her loose robes, but fans with gentle care. 
 
 Lest any rival shepherd should be near. 
 
 These he, nor any of his own bore forth, 
 
 But rough blasts borrowed from the bellowing north.** 
 
 Swift hurricanes o'er vast territories sweep. 
 
 Whistle in air, and bellow in the deep. 
 
 Augusta's fleet hears the big billows roar. 
 
 And floating mountains dash the distant shore ; 
 
 •'From where, &c. This description cannot fail of presenting a 
 picture to the reader. 
 
 °* Blasts borrowed, &c. So Homer represents Zephyrus, raging 
 with the blasts of Notus. A passage misunderstood by all the com- 
 mentators from Eustathius downwards: but Homer by his simile 
 intends to illustrate the assistance which Hector received from 
 Jupiter, and his words are: 
 
 d>g oTTors ZitpSpoe, vex[)Ejiia drvtjjEyi^^ 
 
 apyedrao kotoio ^a%hn;} XaiXaiti Tvnroov. 
 
 His meaning is, that Hector raged with the force of Jupiter, as 
 Zephyrus with the blasts of Notus.
 
 60 THE VERNONIAD 
 
 Nor long now pursues the liquid way 
 But strikes her sails, and seeks the peaceful bay. 
 Mammon returns to hell, with transports blest 
 And in his palace keeps a three weeks' feast ** 
 "With roaring fiends the vaulted roofs rebound, 
 And in each cup Augusta's curse goes round. 
 
 "Three weeks feast. This number was (if I may so call it) 
 sacred to the Heathen Hell; thus there are in hell three judges, 
 three destinies, three furies. The dog Cerberus hath three heads, 
 &c. therefore in all magical mysteries this number was constantly 
 used. Thus Virgil, 
 
 Ternse tibi hsec primum triplici diversa colore, 
 Licia circumdo, terque hsec altaria circum, 
 EflBgiem duco Eel. 8. 
 
 Plautus in his Pseudolus, perhaps sneers at this superstition. 
 
 Quaero qui ter trina triplicia, tribus modes, tria Gaudia, 
 Artibus tribus ter demeritas dem Laetitias, de tribus, 
 Fraude partas, per Malitiam, & per Dolum & Fallaciam. 
 
 Which three last substantives seem very applicable to the place 
 wnere the feast is here supposed to be kept.
 
 PHILOSOPHICAL 
 
 TRANSACTIONS 
 
 FOR THE 
 
 YEAR 1742-3 
 
 THE CONTENTS 
 
 SEVERAL PAPERS RELATING TO THE TERRESTRL4.L 
 
 CHRYSIPDS;, GOLDEN-FOOT OR GUINEA, AN INSECT OR 
 
 VEGETABLE, WHICH HAS THIS SURPRISING PROPERTY, THAT 
 
 BEING CUT INTO SEVERAL PIECES, EACH PIECE LIVES, 
 
 AND IN A SHORT TIME BECOMES AS PERFECT AN 
 
 INSECT, OR VEGETABLE, AS THAT OF WHICH 
 
 IT WAS ORIGINALLY ONLY A PART, 
 
 61
 
 Abstract of part of a Letter from the Heer Rotten- 
 scRACH, IN Germany^ communicating observations on 
 the Chrysipus. 
 
 Sir, — Some time since died here of old age, one Petrus 
 Gualterus, a man well known in the learned worlds and 
 famous for nothing so much as for an extraordinary collection 
 which he had made of the Chrysipi, an animal or vegetable; 
 of which I doubt not but there are still some to be found in 
 England : however, if that should be difficult, it may be easy 
 to send some over to you; as they are at present very plen- 
 tiful in these parts. I can answer for the truth of the facts 
 contained in the paper I send you, as there is not one of 
 them but what I have seen repeated above twenty times; 
 and I wish others may be encouraged to try the experiments 
 over again, and satisfy themselves of the truth by their own 
 eyes. The accounts of the Chrysipi, as well as the collection 
 itself, were found in the cabinet of the above-mentioned 
 Petrus, after his death ; for he could never be prevailed on to 
 communicate a sight of either while alive. 
 
 I am, sir, 
 
 &c. 
 
 63
 
 THE FIGURE 
 
 OF 
 
 THE TEREESTEIAL CHRYSIPIJS 
 
 STICKING TO A FINGER 
 
 Observations and Expeeiments upon the Terrestrial 
 Chrysipus, or Guinea^ by Mynheer Petrus Gualterus 
 
 Translated from the French by P. H. L Z. C. G. S. 
 
 The animal in question is a terrestrial vegetable or insect, 
 of which mention is made in the Philosophical Transactions 
 for several years, as may be seen in N" 000. Art. 0000. and 
 N« 00. Art. 002. and N*' Art. 18. 
 
 This animal or vegetable is of a rotund, orbicular, or 
 round form, as represented in the figure annexed; in which 
 A, denotes the ruffle ; b, the hand ; g, the thumb of that hand ; 
 dt the finger; e, the part of that finger to which the Chrysi- 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 5
 
 ee PHILOSOPHICAL TRANSACTIONS 
 
 PUS sticks : f, f, f, f, four tubes, representing the Iltos, ' or 
 man's staff, mentioned by Galen in his Treatise de Usu Part- 
 ium; and by Aristotle, in that little book called his'Apx/St^Xiov, 
 or Master-piece. The to OtjXvkov, or woman's pipe, an ob- 
 long perforated substance, to which the said lUrj directly 
 tend, is represented by the letter c. The mouth of the 
 Chrysipus is in this anterior middle, it opens into the stom^ 
 ach, which takes up the whole length of the body. The whole 
 body forms but one pipe, a sort of gut, which can be opened 
 but at one end, i.e. at letter c. 
 
 The size of the body of a Chrysipus varies according to its 
 different species. 
 
 I know two species only, differing in extent almost one- 
 half ; which for distinction sake, I call the whole Chrysipus, 
 and the hemi-Chrysipus. The latter of these is by no means 
 so valuable as the former. The length of the II07 differs 
 likewise in proportion to the different size or extension of 
 these two. 
 
 The Ile^ of those of a modern growth are so imperfect 
 and invisible to the naked eye, that it is much to be feared 
 the species will soon be entirely lost among us; and, indeed, 
 in England, they are observed of late to be much rarer than 
 formerly, especially in the country, where at present there 
 are very few of them to be found; but at the same time it is 
 remarked, that in some places of the Continent, particularly 
 in a certain part of Germany, they are much plentier; being 
 to be found in great numbers, where formerly there were 
 scarce any to be met with. 
 
 I have not, after ■ the minutest observation, been able to 
 settle with any degree of certainty, whether this be really 
 an animal or vegetable, or whether it be not strictly neither, 
 or rather both. For as I have, by the help of my microscope, 
 discovered some of its parts to resemble those of a lion; I 
 have at other times taken notice of something not unlike the 
 Floiver-de-luce. Not to repeat those parts above mentioned, 
 which bear great analogy to the AtSota of the human body. 
 On their extremities (if they are not very old) may be seen 
 ^ See Philos. Transact, concerning the arbor vitce, anno 1732.
 
 FOB TEE YEAR 17Jt2-43 67 
 
 certain letters forming the names of several of our kings; 
 whence I have been almost inclined to conclude, that these 
 are the flowers mentioned by Virgil, and which appear to 
 have been so extremely scarce in his time. 
 
 " Die quibus in terris inscripti nomina regum 
 Nascuntur flores." 
 
 Particularly as he adds, 
 
 " Et Phyllida solus habeto." 
 
 Of which we shall take notice hereafter, when we come to 
 speak of his properties. What hath principally dissuaded me 
 from an opinion of its being an animal, is, that I could never 
 observe any symptoms of voluntary motion; but indeed the 
 same may be said of an oyster, which I think is not yet 
 settled by the learned to be absolutely a vegetable. 
 
 But though it hath not, or seems not to have any progressive 
 motion of its own, yet is it very easy to communicate a motion 
 to it. Indeed some persons have made them fly all over the 
 town with great velocity. 
 
 What is said of the Polypus, in a late excellent paper com- 
 municated to the Eoyal Society, is likewise applicable to the 
 Chrysipus. 
 
 " They make use of their progressive motion, when com- 
 municated to them, to place themselves conveniently, so as 
 to catch their prey. They are voracious animals; their IIc^ 
 are so many snares which they set for numbers of small 
 insects. As soon as any of them touches one of the Hc^j 
 it is caught." 
 
 But then it differs from the Polypus in the consequence; 
 for instead of making the insect its prey, it becomes itself 
 a prey to it, and instead of conveying an insect twice as 
 large as its own mouth into it, in imitation of the Polypus, 
 the poor Chrysipus is itself conveyed into the Loculus or 
 pouch of an insect a thousand times as large as itself. IN'ot- 
 withstanding which, this wretched animal (for so I think 
 we may be allowed to call it) is so eager after its prey, that 
 if the insect (which seldom happens) makes any resistance,
 
 68 PHILOSOPHICAL TRANSACTIONS 
 
 it summons other Chrysipi to its aid, which in the end hardly 
 ever fail of subduing it, and getting into its pouch. 
 
 The learned Gualterus goes on in these words : " A Chrysi- 
 pus, by the simple contact of my own finger, has so closely 
 attached itself to my hand, that by the joint and indefatigable 
 labour of several of my friends, it could by no means be 
 severed, or made to quit its hold." 
 
 As to the generation of the Chrysipus, it differs from all 
 other animals or vegetables whatever; for though it seems 
 the best supplied for this natural function, nature having 
 provided each female part with four male ones, which one 
 would think sufficient; yet it may be said, as of the Polypus, 
 they have no distinguished place by which they bring forth 
 their young. 
 
 Gualterus judiciously remarks : ^ "I have " (says he) 
 *' some of them, that have greatly multiplied under my eyes, 
 and of v/hich I might almost say, that they have produced 
 young ones from all the exterior parts of their body. 
 
 " I have learned by a continual attention to the two species 
 of them, that all the individuals of these species produce 
 young ones. 
 
 " I have for sixty years had under my eye thousands of 
 them; and though I have observed them constantly, and 
 with ATTENTION, SO as to watch them night and day, I never 
 observed any thing like the common animal copulation. 
 
 " I tried at first two of them ; but these I found would 
 not produce a complete ChrysipiLS ; at least I had reason to 
 think the operation would be so slow that I must have waited 
 some years for its completion. Upon this, I tried a hundred 
 of them together, by whose marvellous union (whether it be, 
 that they mix total, like those heavenly spirits mentioned 
 by Milton, or by any other process not yet revealed to human 
 wit) they were found in the year's end to produce three, four, 
 and sometimes five complete Chrysipi. I have indeed often 
 made them in that space produce ten or twenty ; but this hath 
 been by some held a dangerous experiment, not only to the 
 parent Chrysipi themselves, which have by these means been 
 ^Vide Remarks on the Polypus, p. 6.
 
 FOR THE YEAR 17J,2-/t3 69 
 
 utterly lost and destroyed, but even to the philosopher who 
 hath attempted it; for as some curious persons have, by her- 
 metic experiments, endangered the loss of their teeth, so 
 we, by a too intense application to this Chrysipean philosophy, 
 have been sometimes found to endanger our ears." He then 
 proceeds thus: 
 
 ^ " Another fact, which I have observed, has proved to me, 
 that they have the faculty of multiplying, before they are 
 severed from their parent. I have seen a Chrysipus, still ad- 
 hering, bring forth young ones; and those young ones them- 
 selves have also brought forth others. Upon supposition, 
 that perhaps there was some copulation between the parent 
 and young ones, whilst they were yet united; or between the 
 young ones coming from the body of the same parent; I 
 made divers experiments to be sure of the fact; but not one 
 of those experiments ever led me to any thing that could 
 give the idea of a copulation." 
 
 I now proceed to the singularities resulting from the opera- 
 tion I have tried upon them. 
 
 A Chrysipus of the larger kind may be divided into one- 
 and-twenty substances (whether animal or vegetable we de- 
 termine not), every substance being at least as large as the 
 original Chrysipus. These may again be subdivided, each of 
 them into twenty-four; and what is very remarkable, every 
 one of these parts is heavier, and rather larger than the first 
 Chrysipus. The only difference in this change, is that of 
 the colour ; for the first sort are yellow, the second white, and 
 the third resemble the complexion and substance of many 
 human faces. 
 
 These subdivided parts are by some observed to lose in 
 a great degree their adherescent quality; notwithstanding 
 which, Gualterus writes, that, from the minutest observations 
 upon his own experience, they all adhered with equal tenacity 
 to his own fingers. 
 
 The manner of dividing a Chrysipus differs, however, greatly 
 from that of the Polypus; for whereas we are taught in that 
 excellent treatise above-mentioned, that 
 
 ' Remarks, p. 7.
 
 70 PHILOSOPHICAL TRANSACTIONS 
 
 ^ " If the body of a Polypus is cut into two parts trans- 
 versely, each of those parts becomes a complete Polypus; 
 on the very day of the operation, the first part or anterior 
 end of the Polypus, that is, the head, the mouth, and the 
 arms : this part, I say, lengthens itself, it creeps, and eats. 
 
 "The second part, which has no head, gets one; a mouth 
 forms itself at the anterior end ; and shoots forth arms. This 
 reproduction comes about more or less quickly, according as 
 the weather is more or less warm. In summer, I have seen 
 arms begin to sprout out twenty-four hours after the opera- 
 tion, and the new head perfected in every respect in a few days. 
 
 " Each of those parts thus becomes a perfect Polypiis, 
 performs absolutely all its functions. It creeps, it eats, it 
 grows, and it multiplies; and all that, as much as a Polypus 
 which never had been cut. 
 
 " In whatever place the body of a Polypus is cut, whether 
 in the middle, or more or less near the head, or the posterior 
 part, the experiment has always the same success. 
 
 " If a Polypus is cut transversely at the same moment, 
 into three or four parts, they all equally become so many 
 complete ones. 
 
 " The animal is too small to be cut at the same time into 
 a great number of parts; / therefore did it successively. I 
 first cut a Polypus into four parts, and let them grow; 
 next, I cut those quarters again ; and at this rate I proceeded, 
 till I had made 50 out of one single one: and here I stopped, 
 for there would have been no end of the experiment. 
 
 " I have now actually by me several parts of the same 
 Polypus cut into pieces above a year ago; since which time 
 they have produced a great number of young ones. 
 
 "A Polypus may also he cut in two, lengthways. Begin- 
 ning hy the head, one first splits the said head, and after- 
 wards the stomach: the Polypus being in the form of a pipe, 
 each half of what is thus cut lengthways forms a half pipe : 
 the anterior extremity of which is terminated by the half of 
 the head, the half of the mouth, edges of those half-pipes 
 close after the operation; they and part of the arms. It is 
 * See Polypus, pp. 8, 9, 10.
 
 FOR TEE YEAR 11J,24S 71 
 
 not long before the two generally begin at the posterior part, 
 and close up by degrees to the anterior part. Then each half- 
 pipe becomes a whole one complete: a stomach is formed, in 
 which nothing is wanting; and out of each half mouth a 
 whole one is formed also. 
 
 "I have seen all this done in less than an hour; and that 
 the Polypus produced from each of those halves, at the end of 
 that time, did not differ from the whole ones, except that it 
 had fewer arms; but in a few days more grew out. 
 
 " I have cut a Polypus lengthways, between seven and 
 eight in the morning; and between two and three in the 
 afternoon, each of the parts has been able to eat a worjn as 
 long as itself. 
 
 "If a Polypus is cut lengthways, beginning at the head, 
 and the section is not carried quite through; the result is, 
 a Polypus with two bodies, two heads, and one tail. Some 
 of those bodies and heads may again be cut lengthways soon 
 after. In this manner I have produced a Polypus that had 
 several bodies^ as many heads, and one tail. 1 afterwards at 
 once cut off the seven heads of this new Hydra: seven others 
 grew again; and the heads that were cut off, became each a 
 complete Polypus. 
 
 " I cut a Polypus, transversely, into two parts : I put these 
 two parts close to each other again, and they reunited where 
 they had been cut. The Polypus, thus reunited, eat the day 
 after it had undergone this operation; it is since grown, and 
 has multiplied. 
 
 "I took the posterior part of one Polypus, and the anterior 
 of another, and I have brought them to reunite in the same 
 manner as the foregoing. Next day, the Polypus, that re- 
 sulted, eat. It has continued well these two months since 
 the operation: it is grown, and has put forth young ones 
 from each of the parts of which it was formed. The two 
 foregoing experiments do not always succeed; it often hap- 
 pens, that the two parts will not join again. 
 
 " In order to comprehend the experiment I am now going 
 to speak of, one should recollect, that the whole body of a 
 Polypus forms only one pipe, a sort of gut, or pouch.
 
 73 PHILOSOPHICAL TRANSACTIONS 
 
 "I have been able to turn that pouch, that body of the 
 Polypus, inside-outwards; as one may turn a Stocking. 
 
 " I have several by me, that have remained turned in this 
 manner ; their Inside is become their Outside, and their 
 Outside their Inside: they eat, they grow, and they mul- 
 tiply, as if they had never been turned." 
 
 Now, in the division and subdivision of our Chrysipus, we 
 are forced to proceed in quite a different manner; namely, 
 by the metabolic or mutative, not by the schystic or divisive. 
 Some have indeed attempted this latter method; but like 
 that great philosopher the elder Pliny, they have perished in 
 their disquisitions, as he did, by suffocation. Indeed, there 
 is a method called the Kleptistic, which hath been preferred 
 to the metabolic; but this is too dangerous; the ingenious 
 Gualterus never carried it farther than the metabolic, con- 
 tenting himself sometimes to divide the original Chrysipus 
 into twenty-two parts, and again to subdivide these into 
 twenty-five; but this requires great art. 
 
 It can't be doubted but that Mr. Trembley vrill, in the 
 work he is pleased to promise us, give some account of the 
 longevity of the Polypus. As to the age of the Chrysipus, 
 it differs extremely; some being of equal duration with the 
 life of man, and some of scarce a moment's existence. The 
 best method of preserving them is, I believe, in bags or chests, 
 in large numbers; for they seldom live long when they are 
 alone. The great Guslterus says he thought he could never 
 put enough of them together. If you carry them in your 
 pockets singly, or in pairs, as some do, they will last a very 
 little while, and in some pockets not a day. 
 
 ^ We are told of the Polypus, " That they are to be looked 
 for in such ditches whose water is stocked with small insects. 
 Pieces of wood, leaves, aquatic plants, in short, every thing 
 is to be taken out of the water, that is met with at the bottom, 
 or on the surface of the water, on the edges, and in the middle 
 of the ditches. What is thus taken out, must be put into a 
 glass of clear water, and these insects, if there are any, will 
 soon discover themselves; especially if the glass is let stand 
 
 ^Polypus, pp. 1, 2.
 
 FOR THE YEAR m24S '^3 
 
 a little, without moving it: for thus the insects, which con- 
 tract themselves when they are first taken out, will again 
 extend themselves when they are at rest, and become thereby 
 so much the more remarkable." 
 
 The Chrysipus is to be looked for in scrutoires, and behind 
 wainscots in old houses. In searching for them, particular 
 regard is to be had to the persons who inhabit, or have in- 
 habited in the same houses, by observing which rule, you may 
 often prevent throwing away your labour. They love to be 
 rather with old than young persons, and detest finery so 
 much, that they are seldom to be found in the pockets of 
 laced clothes, and hardly ever in gilded palaces. They are 
 sometimes very difficult to be met with, even though you 
 know where they are, by reason of pieces of wood, iron, &c., 
 which must be removed away before you can come at them. 
 There are, however, several sure methods of procuring them, 
 which are all ascertained in a treatise on that subject, com- 
 posed by Petrus Gualterus, which, now he is dead, will shortly 
 see the light. 
 
 I come now, in the last place, to speak of the virtues of 
 the Chrysipus: In these it exceeds not only the Polypus, of 
 which not one single virtue is recorded, but all other animals 
 and vegetables whatever. Indeed, I intend here only to set 
 down some of its chief qualities; for to enumerate all, would 
 require a large volume. 
 
 First, then, A single Chrysipus stuck on to the finger, will 
 make a man talk for a full hour, nay, will make him say 
 whatever the person who sticks it on desires: and again, if 
 you desire silence, it will as effectually stop the most loqua- 
 cious tongue. Sometimes, indeed, one or two, or even twenty, 
 are not sufficient; but if you apply the proper number, they 
 seldom or never fail of success. It will likewise make men 
 blind or deaf, as you think proper; and all this without 
 doing the least injury to the several organs. 
 
 Secondly, It hath a most miraculous quality of turning 
 black into white, or white into black. Indeed it hath the 
 powers of the prismatic glass, and can, from any object, re- 
 flect what colour it pleases.
 
 74 PHILOSOPHICAL TRANSACTIONS 
 
 Thirdly, It is the strongest love-powder in the world, and 
 hath such efficacy on the female sex, that it hath often pro- 
 duced love in the finest woman to the most worthless and 
 ugly, old and decrepit of our sex. 
 
 To give the strongest idea in one instance, of the salu- 
 brious quality of the Chrysipus: it is a medicine which the 
 physicians are so fond of taking themselves, that few of 
 them care to visit a patient, without swallowing a dose of it. 
 
 To conclude, facts like these I have related, to he admitted, 
 require the most convincing proofs. / venture to say, I am 
 ahle to produce such proofs. In the mean time, I refer my 
 curious reader to the treatise I have above mentioned, which 
 is not yet published, and perhaps never may. 
 
 POSTSCEIPT. 
 
 Since I composed the above treatise, I have been informed, 
 that these animals swarm in England all over the country, 
 like the locusts, once in seven years; and like them too, 
 they generally cause much mischief, and greatly ruin the 
 country in which they have swarmed.
 
 ARTICLES 
 
 IN 
 
 THE CHAMPION 
 
 WRITTEN BY 
 
 HENRY FIELDING 
 
 75
 
 ARTICLES 
 
 IN 
 
 THE OHAMPIOE" 
 
 WRITTEN BY 
 
 HENRY FIELDING 
 
 Tuesday, November 27, 1739. 
 
 ——" Nescis domince fastidia Romce: 
 
 Crede mihi, nimium martia turha sapit. 
 
 Majores nusquam ronchi: juvencsque, senesque, 
 Et pueri nasum rhinocerotis habent." — Mabt. 
 
 There are two sorts of persons, who may, in some sense, 
 be said to feed on the breath which goeth out of the mouth 
 of man; namely, the soldier and the author. But here I 
 would not be understood to mean, by soldier, such wise 
 military men, who justly despising this thin diet, are content 
 to receive from five hundred to two thousand pounds a year, 
 for appearing now and then in a red coat with a sash, in 
 the parks and market-places of this kingdom, and who never 
 saw an enemy, unless the old officers and soldiers of their 
 own regiments, who disdain to have such commanders at their 
 head ; nor, by authors, would I be supposed to cast any reflec- 
 tion on such as have found a method by panegyric, to cram 
 themselves with more substantial food. The kind of persons 
 here hinted at may be seen in St. James's Park in a foggy 
 morning in shabby red and black coats, with open mouths 
 
 77
 
 78 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 eagerly devouring the fog for breakfast. Such soldiers as an 
 acquaintance of mine, who, after he had served many cam- 
 paigns in Flanders, and been wounded in Spain, with a 
 generous heart and an empty pocket died in the King's Bench ; 
 and such authors as Butler, who, after he had published his 
 inimitable Hudibras, was starved to death in a garret. 
 
 Now what did these obtain, or what can their followers 
 promise themselves besides fame, which is but the breath of 
 man? A dainty, however unsubstantial, on which Horace 
 assures us a poet will grow extremely fat. 
 
 " Palma negata macrum donata reducit opimum." 
 
 Here I am aware, it will be objected, that I confer this 
 reward too soon, and the same epistle of Horace, with Dr. 
 Bentley's Ingentia Fata, will be produced against me, and 
 many other authorities, to prove that they taste not this deli- 
 cacy till after their death: for which reason it may be told 
 me I should have imitated the style of the author of Tom 
 Thumb,^ and asserted that there were the ghosts of two sorts 
 of persons, &c., who fed on the breath of man. To which I 
 only answer, that though env}^ which, according to Ovid, only 
 preys on the living, may have robbed some of their just fame 
 during their lives; yet several instances may be produced to 
 the contrary. That verse of the poet : 
 
 " PrcEsenti tibi maturos largimur honores." 
 
 may have been applied to many more than him for whom 
 it was first intended. But those who do not care to allow 
 any praise to a living author, may if they please consider 
 him as feeding on the hopes of it; the one being almost as 
 substantial as the other. 
 
 Indeed the soldier is in this point happier than the poet, 
 as he generally receives his portion of fame sooner. Alex- 
 ander had the immediate honours of his victories, and per- 
 haps much more than they deserved; but poor Homer was, 
 
 ^ An author who dealt so much in ghosts, that he is said to have 
 spoiled the Haymarket stage, by cutting it all into trap-doors.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 79 
 
 during his life, reputed little better than a ballad-smger ; 
 and Plutarch, in the Life of Lycurgus, tells us, that liis poems 
 were scarce heard of in Greece till many years after his death. 
 Yet the poet hath some advantage in liis turn ; for his works, 
 if not his name, will outlive the others; to which we may 
 add Sir William Temple's observation, that the world hath 
 produced a thousand equal to Alexander, but scarce one capa- 
 ble of writing an Iliad. 
 
 But to drop the soldier, with whom we have no more to 
 do at present, and stick to the author. If fame be, as I 
 have said, his food (and perhaps in a literal sense it may 
 be often so called), how cruel must they be, who rashly, 
 inconsiderately, and often wantonly take the bread out of 
 his mouth, since it seldom happens that they are such as 
 can ever put it into their own? 
 
 This is a cruelty of which all the good writers, from the 
 days of Horace to the present time, have complained, and 
 for which bad authors have in all ages been stigmatized; 
 some of whom, like the wretch who burnt the temple at 
 Ephesus, have been immortalised for their infamy, and owed 
 such their immortality, to those very poets whom they have 
 traduced. Thus Virgil hath recorded the names of Msevius 
 and Bavins; and thus Pope (whose works will be coeval with 
 the language in which they are writ) hath condescended to 
 transmit to posterity many heroical persons, who, without his 
 kind assistance, would have never been known to have dared 
 hit their pens against the greatest poet of his time. Bad 
 writers therefore seem to have a sort of prescriptive privilege 
 to abuse good ones; in which I the rather indulge them for 
 the great inoffensiveness thereof; such calumny being seldom 
 read, and never believed. 
 
 Leaving, therefore, all such as utterly incorrigible, I shall 
 here address myself only to those who never have nor ever 
 intend to write, and consequently can propose no interest in 
 ruining the reputation of those who do. I would recommend 
 to all persons (except bad writers) to be extremely cautious 
 in the use of the words "low, dull, stupid, sad stuff, Grub 
 Street, &c.," which, with some few more, I wish heartily
 
 80 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 were banished out of our language, and that it was reckoned 
 as certain a mark of folly to use them, as it would be of 
 indecency to use some others. Though I must own at the 
 same time, this might be as fatal to criticism, as the banish- 
 ment of indecent words hath been to gallantry; and that 
 some persons of admired judgment would be as hard put to 
 it to talk critically without the one, as some noted beaus 
 are to talk wantonly without the other. 
 
 I should be sorry to think there was in mankind the prin- 
 ciple pointed at in the following lines, which I have taken 
 from a poem not yet communicated to the public — 
 
 " Nor in the tiger's cave, nor lion's den, 
 Dwells our malignity. For selfish men. 
 The gift of fame liice that of money deem; 
 And think they lose, whene'er they give esteem." 
 
 I rather impute unjust censure to ignorance than malice, 
 and very sincerely believe men when they say "I don't un- 
 derstand a word of all this ; " which they may probably say 
 with great truth of the whole Iliad. And one may apply 
 to these persons what Dacier said of a French critic, who 
 abused the last mentioned poem, "That he found it more 
 easy to censure him than to read him." 
 
 However, as it is certain they are not always understood 
 in this light, and that the emptiest fellows have sometimes 
 done harm (as my bookseller terms it) to the sale of a work, 
 I shall, as a terror to all such persons, as well as an infor- 
 mation to those who have been abused by them, communicate 
 to the public the opinion of Mr. Counsellor Vinegar, on the 
 following case. 
 
 Q. If a man says of an author that he is dull, or hath 
 no wit (seeing that wit is his property, according to a noble 
 lord who hath more of that property than any man), will not 
 an action lie for the said author? 
 
 Pog scmble quob si astnn bit be |. IJ. tttnnt vm pocte qnob t&t dull, 
 ^ttion bien bolt ggstr tt h nsolution be le cHst, i R. A. 55 S. 16. gien 
 agree obe ceo cbiactiijn fuit port gej un apprentice bel leg et pit betlare:
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 81 
 
 qnob Mi ab0U bit ht lug qaob tsl dunce, and will get nothing by 
 the law. ^i It opinion hi conri, foil qnob sriion bien gisl, car ^ome 
 pott tjiie fetsbit tl nxing tarn prtgnanl comt aecnns anttis sont tt encore 
 un bon lawyer. Pts quia il aboit i)ii qne il ne boti get ascnn c^ose 
 px 1b Itg. ^clion gist, ^ic icg car si poitt soil ^cabil ou ball non bolt 
 
 gttl ascnn c^ost en le world. 
 
 WiL. Vinegar. 
 
 But, in the mean time, as such action may not be soon 
 brought or soon decided, it may be proper to put some imme- 
 diate stop to the present currency of criticism. In order 
 thereto, having consulted with the elders of my family, I 
 have determined, by virtue of that authority with which I 
 have invested myself, to lay down some qualifications, without 
 which no person shall henceforth presume to censure any 
 performance whatever. 
 
 And here he, who shall consider the derivation of this 
 ■word criticism, which is from a Greek word, implying no 
 less than judgment, or shall reflect on the vast abilities which 
 have been possest by the professors of this art, and what 
 hath been required by those who have given rules for it, 
 particularly Mr. Pope in his most excellent essay thereon: 
 
 " Let those teach others who themselves excell, 
 And censure freely who have written well." 
 
 And in many other places of that charming poem, he I 
 say, who will weigh all these particulars, will doubtless think 
 .me extremely reasonable in the following particulars. 
 
 First. I expect henceforward, that no person whatever, be 
 his qualifications what they wdll, presume to give his opinion 
 against any literary production, without having first read one 
 •word of it. 
 
 Secondly. That no man under the age of fourteen, shall 
 be entitled to give a definite opinion (unless in the play- 
 house). 
 
 Thirdly. That no person shall be allowed to be a perfect 
 judge in any work of learning, who hath not advanced as 
 far as the end of the accidence; unless at the coffee-houses 
 
 / / Misc. Writings II — 6
 
 82 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 west of Charing Cross, where such deficiencies shall be sup- 
 plied by a proper quantity of lace and embroidery.) 
 
 As to prejudice, I mention it not, seeing that the only 
 persons in whom we can suspect so base a motive, are either 
 those authors before-mentioned, who have my leave to abuse 
 me or any one else as much as they please, or such as are 
 sworn enemies to all literature in general, and have entered 
 into bonds among themselves, to give no encouragement to 
 any genius whatever. Of some of whom I have lately heard, 
 and may possibly describe to the public, that whatever they 
 h^eafter say may go for nothing. 
 
 y^ Lastly, It being well known that some men have a way 
 of communicating their critical sentiments by winks, nods, 
 smiles, frowns, and other signs and tokens, without the as- 
 sistance of speech; and having heard of a certain person in 
 this kingdom, whose nod could convey more meaning than 
 the most significant words of any other, I prohibit all people 
 ': of no consequence from using any of these signs, and do 
 [ expressly forbid any man hereafter to shake his head, who is 
 universally known among his acquaintance to have nothing 
 in it. 
 
 Tuesday, Decemler 4, 1739. 
 
 " Ploravere suis nott respondere favorem speratum mentis." — HoR. 
 
 At my return home last night, I was surprised to find 
 the following memorial from my bookseller : ^ 
 
 To Captain Hercules Vinegar, '*' p^ 
 
 May it please your mightiness, — Humbly complaining, 
 showeth unto your mightiness, youT bookseller, A. Moore, of 
 near St. Paul's, in the city of London : That, notwith- 
 standing your late order, in your Champion, No. 6, several 
 evil-minded persons calling themselves critics (though by no 
 means qualified according to the rules you have been pleased
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 83 
 
 to lay down), continue to villify and asperse the writings of 
 your mightiness, and to apply to them certain forbidden 
 words, which your bookseller dares not repeat. And first, your 
 bookseller humbly represents, that he did on Thursday last 
 hear one critical person (not qualified as above) openly de- 
 clare in a certain cofl;ee-house, where the Champion lay on 
 the table : That the essay therein was stolen from the Spec- 
 tator, and he farther represents that he did hear one other 
 critical person at the same time affirm, that the said essay 
 was stolen from the Tatler; and one other critical person 
 very scornfully assert, that the said essay was dull, and that 
 nothing so sad was ever writ before, or words to that effect. 
 And farther, your bookseller humbly represents to your might- 
 iness, that your said paper had been treated with more con- 
 tempt than a Gazetteer, particularly at a certain coffee-house 
 near Charing Cross, where it was refused to be received gratis, 
 and scornfully thrown out of the door ; fearing, as your book- 
 seller apprehends, lest some person of good sense, who fre- 
 quented the house, might insist on its being taken in here- 
 after. And farther, your bookseller represents, that an uni- 
 versal objection is made to your title, by such as allow a great 
 deal of merit to your paper, and he humbly hopes to be par- 
 doned when he represents to your mightiness that some dis- 
 like the word Champion, some Hercules Vinegar, and some 
 Hockley in the Hole; and your bookseller farther showeth, 
 that he hath seen several persons shake their heads (who by 
 your late order are by no means entitled to make any such 
 motion) and to hint that your mightiness is not bold enough. 
 On which account he humbly begs leave to suggest to your 
 mightiness, that you would take this last objection into your 
 consideration, seeing that he can assure you from experience, 
 that wit and humour are too luscious, and will pall the ap- 
 petite without a little of the acid mixt with them. And he 
 begs leave to declare, that he would not have engaged in 
 this undertaking, had he not promised to himself that your 
 mightiness would lay about you without fear or favour. In 
 order to which, he hath ordered his printer to provide him- 
 self with great quantities of dashes to keep the first and
 
 84 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 last letter of proper names and other words asunder, as 
 
 E 1 M r; and a large fund of Italian character. As 
 
 for instance, He farther legs leave {as an encouragement) 
 to represent to you the great leiiity of the administration, 
 who have never punished any libels against them, unless hy 
 Ireaking the press to pieces, pillory, fine, and imprisonment; 
 the three last of which he apprehends to be very lawful 
 methods, and (one of them at least) invented, as he conceives, 
 for the benefit and advantage of booksellers, whose copies 
 never fail to sell well, when they have been advertised in 
 the pillory; and he would be very sorry it could with proba- 
 bility be insinuated among those of his profession, that he 
 stood in any fear thereof, or ashamed to follow the steps of 
 those glorious heroes, whose works have been published in that 
 manner. He therefore humbly begs, that your mightiness 
 would infuse gall in your ink, and, instead of morality, wit, 
 and humour, deal forth private slander and abuse, on which 
 
 account, 
 
 Your Petitioner^ 
 
 As in duty bound. 
 
 Shall ever pray. 
 
 I shall subjoin two letters, which seem to agree with the 
 allegations above mentioned. 
 
 To Captain Vinegar. 
 
 Sir, — It is very hard upon me to be obliged by my cus- 
 tomers to take in your paper, having before been at the 
 constant expense (beside the Craftsman and Common Sense ; 
 for which a man does not grudge his money) of the Universal 
 Spectator, the Weekly Miscellany, the London Evening Post, 
 the St. James's Evening Post, the Whitehall Evening Post, 
 the Daily Advertiser, the London Daily Post, Daily Post, &c. 
 &c. I therefore desire you would either write no more, or 
 write away all the rest. I am, 
 
 Your Humble Servant, 
 
 Tom Coffee.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 85 
 
 To THE Author of the British Mercury. 
 
 SiR^ — Though I disliked your first setting out with a 
 description of a set of low characters, yet, as I have since 
 discovered something more in you than is to be found in those 
 heaps of rubbish the daily newspapers, I have ordered you to 
 be admitted into my house, and have banished all the other 
 papers (except the Craftsman and Common Sense) for ever 
 from my doors. I am much pleased with your method of 
 ranging your domestic matters under certain heads, by which 
 we are informed what degree of credit to afford each parti- 
 cular. As to your essays, I should like them better if they 
 were less ludicrous. But why Champion and Vinegar, and 
 stuff? If you will not acquaint us with your own name, 
 why not subscribe Alg. Sidney, or Osborne, or Walsingham, 
 or some other grave man's which might avoid the least ap- 
 pearance of a jest. I hate all wit and humour, and such 
 nonsense. I love to be grave and wise. Eetain therefore 
 the simple title only to which I have directed this letter, and 
 you will oblige 
 
 Your Humble Servant, 
 
 Paul Serious. 
 
 Plutarch, in the Life of Lysander, records of Plato, that 
 when a certain poet of his time, named Antimachus, ex- 
 pressed some concern at not having been rewarded according 
 to his merits, that philosopher endeavoured to comfort him, 
 by representing the neglect to be a less misfortune to the poet, 
 than ignorance was to his judges, who did not understand 
 him enough to taste his perfections. 
 
 Horace is so far from fearing the censure of the illiterate 
 rabble, that he esteemed it laudable not to endeavour to 
 please them, but rather to be content with a few readers ; and 
 declares himself of the same opinion with the Eoman actress, 
 who was satisfied with the applause of one polite judge in 
 opposition to the hisses of the whole house beside. To which 
 I shall add what Madame Dacier used to say among her
 
 86 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 acquaintance, namely, that she writ only to a dozen people 
 in France; the reason of the contempt, which these great 
 writers had for popular fame, seems to be given by St. Evre- 
 mont, in his Observations of Taste. " Seeing (says he) that 
 good judges are as scarce as good authors, and that dis- 
 cernment is as rarely found in the one, as genius in the 
 other, each person endeavouring to cry up what pleases him; 
 it comes to pass, that the multitude give a reputation to 
 such compositions as suit with their bad taste or mean ca- 
 pacity." And a little after he adds, " That the ignorant 
 and prepossessed multitude stifles the small number of real 
 and good judges." I shall conclude this head with these beau- 
 tiful lines of Mr. Pope, where envy is represented attending 
 merit, as necessarily as the shadow does the substance : 
 
 " Pride, malice, folly against Dryden rose, 
 In various shapes of parsons, critics, beaus. 
 But sense svirvived, when merry jests were past. 
 For rising merit will buoy up at last. 
 Might he return and bless once more our eyes. 
 New Blackmore's and new Milbourne's must arise. 
 Nay, should great Homer lift his awful head, 
 Zoilus again would start up from the dead. 
 Envy will merit, as its shade pursue, 
 But, like a shadow, proves the substance true." 
 
 As to the objection made to my title, which is hinted at 
 in my bookseller's memorial, as well as by Mr. Paul Serious, 
 it seems to betray such an inclination to cavil, and is at 
 the same time so absurd, that it scarce deserves an answer. 
 It is methinks of a piece with the surliness of those angry 
 gentlemen, who once infested this town, and were wont to 
 take a dislike to a man's face; or to the antipathy of that 
 whimsical person, who sickened at a tavern, because there 
 was a cat painted on a sign. If these cavillers were much 
 acquainted with history, they would know many instances 
 where great talents have been concealed under mean and 
 contemptible appearances; perhaps (as Livy says of Junius 
 Brutus, that he was longe alius ingenio quam cujus simula-
 
 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 87 
 
 iionem induerat). I am a person of more consequence than 
 I appear to be, and may have dated these papers from Hock- 
 ley in the Hole, as a propitiation to that beautiful goddess 
 of envy, whom I have before mentioned (as the ancients 
 sacrificed to Nemesis, another deity of the same family) that 
 the humbleness of my situation might lessen the malevolence 
 which might attend my abilities; nay, perhaps, I may have 
 deeper reasons still, which, as I shall not yet discover, it will 
 be in vain for any one, who can't cast a figure, to trouble 
 his head about. 
 
 The objection of Tom Coffee is of more weight. The 
 great expense of such a variety of newspapers is certainly 
 an intolerable burthen to those of his trade. But no body 
 expects them to take in these wares by the gross. Xo, let 
 them only make their choice with judgment, and their cus- 
 tomers will be pleased, their expense will be moderate, and 
 the Champion will have no reason to court their favour. 
 
 Thursday^ December 6, 1739. 
 
 " Omnium, vocibus fortuna sola invocatur, una accusatur, una 
 laudatur, sola arguitur, et cum conviciis colitur. Coeca etiam, et 
 inconstans, et indignorum, fautrix existimata, in tota ratione mor- 
 talium sola utramque jmginam facit." — Plin. 1. 2, c. 7. 
 
 Plato, in his Commonwealth, pays such a religious respect 
 to chance or fortune, that he would institute a method of 
 marrying by lottery; and declares for breeding up no other 
 children, on the public account, than such as were begot in 
 this manner; imagining, I suppose, that fortune would es- 
 pecially preside over that genial bed which she herself had 
 constituted. I shall not hear comment on this opinion, which 
 to some may appear ridiculous enough, but it is certain the 
 ancients held this deity in much greater estimation than we 
 at present do. The Eomans consecrated a temple to this
 
 88 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 goddess: and it was represented as most impious blasphemy 
 in that general, who, being unwilling to share the glory of a 
 victory, very confidently affirmed that fortune had nothing to 
 do in it; after which the historian observes, he never suc- 
 ceeded in any future action. 
 
 I have often thought it a blemish in the works of Tacitus, 
 that he ascribes so little to the interposition of this invincible 
 being; but, on the contrary, makes the event of almost every 
 scheme to depend on a wise design, and proper measures 
 taken to accomplish it ; by which means I am much deceived, 
 if he hath not given more foresight to the politics of Tiberius, 
 than that prince really had: most of the later political 
 writers have inclined to his opinion; and the great Eichelieu 
 held it in so extravagant a degree, that it is well known he 
 struck the word " unfortunate " out of his dictionary, affirm- 
 ing that every man succeeded well or ill, according as his 
 conduct was right or wrong. 
 
 For my own part, I differ so entirely from these great 
 men, that I imagine wisdom to be of very little consequence 
 in the affairs of this world: human life appears to me to 
 resemble the game of hazard, much more than that of chess; 
 in which latter, among good players, one false step must 
 infallibly lose the game; whereas, in the former, the worst 
 that can happen is to have the odds against you, which are 
 never more than two to one; and we often see a blundering 
 fellow, who scarce knows on which side the odds are, dribble 
 out his bad chance upon the table, and sweep the whole board ; 
 while the wisest players, and those who stick close to the 
 rule, lift up their eyes and curse the dice. 
 
 Machiavelli tells us, that men are not much to be blamed 
 or praised for their adversity or prosperity, it being fre- 
 quently seen that some are driven into ruin, and others pro- 
 moted to great honour by the impulse of their fate ; and wis- 
 dom is as little able to prevent the misfortune of the one, as 
 folly is the advancement and happiness of the other. 
 
 Frequent instances must occur to every man's memory, who 
 hath had the least experience in life of the wonderful effects 
 of chance; the best physicians will own, that, after a disease
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 89 
 
 Lath eluded all their efforts, an old woman, or a quack, have 
 sometimes restor'd the patient; nay, the sick man himself 
 hath procured his recovery, by means which the whole fac- 
 ulty would have judged must have necessarily produced his 
 immediate dissolution. Dr. Baynard, in his treatise on cold 
 baths, gives an account of a person who, in a light-headed 
 fit of a fever, escaped from his nurse, and plunged himself 
 into a horse-pond ; and by this strange method saved his life, 
 when he had been given over by his doctors. 
 
 The great judge Jeffries, (following I suppose the opinion 
 of Plato) is reported on his return from the west, where he 
 had left several hundred wretches under condemnation, to put 
 the decision of their guilt on chance, and to have determined 
 which were the proper objects of his mercy, by the casting of 
 dice; a custom which, they say, still prevails in martial exe- 
 cutions; it being usual where two or more are sentenced to 
 die, and one only is to be made an example, for the prisoners 
 to decide by lots which most deserves to be shot; and this 
 method of trial (however absurd it may seem) was derived, I 
 apprehend, from our Saxon ancestors, of whom we read that 
 they used to decide all controversies by lots; (the method 
 whereof the curious may see in the description of Germany, 
 given by Tacitus) a custom wdiich seems to be preserved in an 
 old English play, or gambol, celebrated yearly on the Epip- 
 hany, or Twelfth Day, wherein a king, a queen, a knave, and 
 a fool are created by blind chance. 
 
 But as Juvenal says, 
 
 " Ex humili magna ad fastidia rerum 
 
 Extollit, quoties voluit fortuna jocari." 
 
 Fortune often picks a great man, in jest, out of the lowest 
 of the people. Men have often acquired greatness and riches, 
 by ways visibly leading to disgrace and ruin: the famous 
 Blood promoted himself to the favour of King Charles II. 
 by stealing his crown; an instance not so astonishing to one 
 well read in the ancient English history, where it seems the 
 constant doctrine of royal favourites to deserve their master's 
 affection, by rendering him jealous of, and odious to his peo-
 
 90 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 pie. Methods, which have been more effectual than Blood's 
 was, to steal away his crown ! 
 
 Whoever considers the former part of the life of Oliver 
 Cromwell, may perceive a much greater probability of his 
 ending his days in a gaol, than in a palace at the head of 
 the nation. He is reported, in his youth, to have ruined his 
 paternal estate by his vicious and disorderly courses; nor 
 did he, at his iirst appearance in parliament, make any ex- 
 traordinary figure, nor discover any of those talents, which 
 generally gain applause, and work on the affections of the 
 hearers: the first apopthegm, which is recorded of him car- 
 ries no great weight with it; namely, to a discourse with 
 Sir Thomas Chichley, and Mr. Warwick, he is said to have 
 uttered these words, " I can tell you, sirs, what I would not 
 have, though I cannot tell what I would ; " and, perhaps, he, 
 at that time, knew no more the one than the other. He 
 certainly had very little hand in procuring the war, of which 
 he afterwards made so glorious a use; indeed, he seems to 
 have had a wonderful address in turning the wise schemes 
 and actions of others to his own honour and advantage; but 
 as these could not be attributed to his own foresight, so 
 might chance have favoured him in those opportunities of 
 working his own ends out of them. As to the great victories 
 obtained by Blake, they are, as Mr. Cowley well observes, to 
 be ascribed rather to that admiral^ than to the protector; 
 that over the Dutch especially, the greatest of them all : for 
 my Lord Clarendon tells us that Cromwell had no inclination 
 to that quarrel, which was rather St. Jolm's than Cromwell's 
 war: besides, as that author adds, "He well discerned that 
 all parties, friends and foes, Presbyterians, Independents, 
 Levellers, were all united as to the carrying on the war, 
 which he thought could proceed from nothing but that the 
 excess of the expense might make it necessary to disband a 
 great part of the land army, of which there appeared no use, 
 to support the navy, which they could not now be without ; so 
 that, I think, his greatest admirers could not fix any of the 
 laurels, gained in this naval war, on him." 
 
 I own, indeed, he arrived at a greater pitch of power than
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 91 
 
 the kings of this realm lawfully enjoy; that he had, as Mr. 
 Echard writes, " The estates and lives of three kingdoms, as 
 much at his disposal as was the little inheritance of his father, 
 and that he was as noble and liberal in spending of them." 
 But still, I say, he owed all this principally to chance; 
 namely, to the death of those great men whom the long con- 
 tinuance of the Civil War had exhausted; those who begun 
 that war against the crown for the sake of their liberties and 
 properties, and would have disdained to have seen the nation 
 enslaved to the absolute will of a subject, in rank very little 
 above the common level. Can we think a Pym, or a Hamp- y 
 den would have tamely submitted to see this usurper and his 
 shabby relations and creatures, such as Desborough, Fleet- 
 wood, Wlialey, &c., at the head of the Parliament (I mean. 
 Barebone's Parliament, and that in 1656) the arm}^ and (as 
 Mr. Echard says above) the estates and lives of three king- 
 doms? No, these men were no more, and those who re- 
 mained were a set of scoundrels and cowards, who were either 
 bribed or frightened out of their liberties; such they werO;, 
 that I think we of the present age are obliged to Mr. Voltaire, 
 for representing us as greatly unlike them. To conclude, 
 whoever looks on Cromwell to be that person whom I have 
 here represented (and what I have here said, are facts tran- 
 scribed from the historians of those times), must agree that 
 he was the child of fortune; and, as Mr. Cowley seems to 
 think, an object rather of our surprise than admiration. 
 
 From my dining-room in Pall-Mall, heing the first night of 
 my arrival from Hockley in the Hole. 
 
 Monday^ December 10, 1739. 
 
 The late act regulating the Stage, notwithstanding the 
 objections of poets, players, and other idle people, gave great 
 satisfaction to all of the graver sort. The licentiousness of
 
 93 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 some modern performances favouring too much of the old 
 comedy, and attacking several persons, whose character, from 
 their high station, ought to be dear to every Englishman, 
 made wife and thinking men wish for some reformation 
 therein; which, if the legislator had, not provided, it is not 
 easy to guess how far the jest might have been carried before 
 this time; since I have been assured that a very large black- 
 basket was bespoken for the use of the little house in the 
 Haymarket; and several masques, drawn to the life, were 
 provided, one of which would have made a certain person 
 ashamed to shew his face, who never yet could be put out of 
 countenance. 
 
 Since the legislative power, hath provided so good a remedy 
 against this growing evil, I think the executive ought to per- 
 form their parts with the utmost vigilance, and to take the 
 most effectual care that no infringements be made in so in- 
 valuable a law. I am concerned, therefore that I am obliged 
 to remind them of their duty, and more especially as I shall 
 be necessitated to attack the character of one of the most 
 considerable persons, whom this age sees in a public light: I 
 mean Mr. Theophilus Gibber, who, in the character of Bays, 
 hath introduced several new pieces of vdt, of a most excellent 
 kind indeed; but contrary, as I am informed by Mr. Coun- 
 cellor Vinegar, to the provisions of the above mentioned act. 
 
 As I write this, only as a caution to that excellent young 
 man, who seems to succeed his great father in the talent of 
 writing as well as acting and to promise the world a future 
 Laureate, as a Lord Foppington, I shall not enumerate many 
 particulars. 
 
 How just his insinuation is, that there is no wit at the 
 Bedford coffee-house, (a place famous I apprehend for the 
 resort of men of wit) or that there is a great deal at Tom's 
 because he goes there himself, as does likewise his father, I 
 shall not determine : but I wish he had omitted, or would, for 
 the future omit that sarcasm with which he made his last exit, 
 viz. that he will carry his play to the other house, for that 
 the master of the house will give money for anything: if he 
 means the master of Drury Lane Theatre, I should be little 
 
 ,v
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 93 
 
 concerned about it, seeing that I account the slandering of 
 the character of a private gentleman to be of no great con- 
 sequence; and I apprehend, he may himself know some in- 
 stance of that gentleman's parting too easily with his money : 
 but as he here speaks in the character of an Author, I don't 
 know whether it may be justly applied to him, as I have never 
 heard of his giving money for any performance whatever ; the 
 constant custom being, I imagine, to give an Author benefits 
 and not money. I am therefore fearful, lest that speech 
 should be applyed to another person, who is known to have 
 given money for any thing ; who hath given money to suppress 
 abuses against himself, and afterwards with as great truth as 
 modesty, after many breaches of his word, hath accused the 
 person who received it of ingratitude for exposing him. 
 
 I know not whether the scenery be properly a part of the 
 play, or whether the ingenious person, I have mentioned, be 
 concerned therein : but I own that battle of Hobby-Horse, as 
 it is at present performed, gives me some uneasiness; the 
 march of the cavalry presents to me a very lively idea of a 
 procession I once saw. We know the writers, in the opposition, 
 have applied themselves with great industry to ridicule our 
 Army, particularly an essay published some years ago, repre- 
 senting them of no more use than so many waxen babies; I 
 would not methinks, willingly afford these jokes any handle 
 for their wit to take hold on. There certainly never was any 
 army less the subject of mirth, to a true Englishman, than the 
 present; but it is the property of wit, which those writers are 
 justly abused by the Gazetteers for having to set things forth 
 in false glosses and colours; and who knows what jokes they 
 may extract out of an Army of Hobby-Horses, under the com- 
 mand of such an Author, representing a ridiculous sham 
 fight to the people. 
 
 In short I hope to hear no more of these misdemeanors on. 
 the Theatres, or they will hear from me.
 
 94 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMFION 
 
 Tuesday, December 11, 1739. 
 
 " Fronti nulla fides." — Juv. sat. 2. 
 
 Those authors, who have set human nature in a very vile 
 and detestable light, however right or wrong such their senti- 
 ments may be, or whatever success they may have met with 
 in the world, have often succeeded in establishing an infamous 
 character to themselves: for, though they observe, with the 
 utmost accuracy, the outward behaviour of others, they will 
 seldom be able to draw any inferences which can lead them 
 to the springs or causes of those actions; they must therefore 
 receive all their information from within. At least, those 
 who deduce actions, apparently good, from evil causes, can 
 trace them only through the windings of their own hearts; 
 and while they attempt to draw an ugly picture of human 
 nature, they must of necessity copy the deformity from their 
 own minds. 
 
 The only ways by which we can come at any knowledge 
 of what passes in the minds of others, are their words and 
 actions; the latter of which, hath by the wiser part of man- 
 kind been chiefly depended on, as the surer and more infalli- 
 ble guide. As to the doctrine of physiognomy, it being some- 
 what unfortunate in these latter ages, I shall say nothing of it. 
 
 It was doubtless the wish of a very honest man, that he 
 had a window in his breast, through which all his thoughts 
 might be plainly discerned; but, however, it is certain (what- 
 ever are her reasons to the contrary) nature hath given us 
 no such light. (Perhaps it might not have been of universal 
 advantage; for, though I am unwilling to look on human 
 \ j^. nature as a mere sink of iniquity, I am far from insinuating 
 that it is a state of perfection, i No, there are too many, I 
 am afraid, of the same kind with the writer of the following 
 letter, which I received a few days ago; and who, if he was 
 to write an essay on human nature, would, I am pretty con-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 95 
 
 fident, set it out in such colours, as those authors I hinted 
 at above: 
 
 To Captain Hercules Vinegae. 
 
 Sir, — I am one of those people whom the world call hypo- 
 crites, that is, one who, by keeping up a constant appearance 
 of what I am not, have gained a reputation, to which I have 
 really no title. As to religion, I am an arrant sceptic; yet, 
 as I have been a constant frequenter of the church, and a loud 
 exclaimer against infidelity, I am, I thank God (as the saying 
 is), reputed the most pious person in my neighbourhood. My 
 temper is so far from being inclined to good nature, that I 
 always triumph in other people's misfortunes, yet, at the ex- 
 pense of a little verbal pity, wliich I have the satisfaction of 
 knowing will do no real good to any one, I pass for a very 
 good-natured person: this too is attended with several good 
 consequences; for I often, under the pretence of commisera- 
 ting, take an opportunity of reviving the sense of any past 
 misfortune, which hath befallen another; or the shame of 
 any forgotten weakness, which they have been guilty of: you 
 already, I believe, conclude that I have a heart not too charita- 
 bly disposed; and yet I am the only person of my acquaint- 
 ance who will tell you that I am not the most charitable 
 creature alive; for though I never give any thing myself, yet 
 I always abuse others for not giving more. I am as proud as 
 Lucifer, and yet I have so happy a knack of concealing it, that 
 I pass for one of great humility; by wearing the appearances 
 of which, I find more opportunity of secretly satisfying my 
 pride, than the contrary behaviour would afford me ; for, such 
 is the emulation of mankind, that every one contends to outdo 
 you in your own way. Wherefore, as I have the character 
 cf condescension, I- meet with as many rivals in that, as a stiff 
 carriage would procure me in the other. Eevenge is my dar- 
 ling, and by professing an aversion to it, I obtain my ends in 
 the same manner as in pride; for I at once gain the reputa- 
 tion of a very forgiving temper, and allure the person, out- 
 wardly forgiven, to afford me an easier opportunity of re-
 
 96 ARTICLES m THE CHAMPION 
 
 venging myself than a profession of enmity would allow. I 
 believe, sir, I need entertain you with no more of my per- 
 fections; for you are by this time, I make no doubt, fully 
 satisfied that I am a very sorry, good-for-nothing fellow, 
 though I pass in the street where I live for a man of quite 
 a different disposition. 
 
 Believe me, it is a great comfort to me, to unburthen myself 
 thus, without any possibility of being discovered. And, per- 
 haps, I shall take future occasions of giving myself vent in 
 the same manner; for to a man who lives under such a con- 
 tinual constraint as myself, these evacuations must be ex- 
 tremely pleasant. I have been great part of this day in com- 
 pany with a gentleman, from whom I imagine myself some 
 time since to have received a slight ; and have just now made 
 up a dose of poison, which I shall give his greyhound to- 
 morrow in my way to church. 
 
 I am. Sir, 
 (Though I care not if you was hanged) 
 
 Your most obedient humble servant. 
 
 This ingenious correspondent of mine seems to be ignorant 
 that, at the same time that he hath found out so excellent 
 an art of imposing on the world, he is all the while deceiving 
 himself: he may be well assured, that he is not so very bad 
 as he would appear in his letter, and that he would be much 
 happier, was he really as good as he hath hitherto appeared to 
 the world. 
 
 I shall conclude, with observing that though the certain 
 existence of such sort of persons, as my correspondent, may 
 justify us in some degree of suspicion and caution in our deal- 
 ing with mankind ; yet should it by no means incline us to 
 their opinions, who have represented human nature as utterly 
 bad and depraved : such thoughts as these can arise, as I have" 
 observed in the beginning of this paper, from no other spring 
 than our finding the seeds of such depravity in our own na- 
 tures.^ And 'tis the worst abuse of the press to propagate 
 doctrines that visibly tend to the entire extirpation of all 
 society, all morality, and all religion.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 97 
 
 Thursday, December 13, 1739. 
 
 " Somnia vera." — Horace, lib. I. sat. 10. ^^^/ 
 
 'C 
 
 Me. Champion, — I am surprised that you have been now a 
 whole month in the world, without having been once asleep, or, 
 at least, without acquainting your readers with it. You can- 
 not be ignorant that your predecessors used both to sleep and 
 dream, and diverted the town as much this way as when they 
 were awake. You will be pleased, perhaps to hear, that I 
 myself have dreamt in the Spectator in my youth, and that 
 I have continued to dream occasionally ever since; but, for 
 want of a proper vehicle to make those visionary scenes public, 
 have been obliged to nod over them by myself. It was no 
 small pleasure to me, therefore, to hear of the Champion, 
 which, not being totally devoted to politics, allows room, now 
 and then, for such miscellaneous pieces, as may arise in such 
 a twilight imagination as mine, of which, if you think proper, 
 be pleased to entertain your readers with the following speci- 
 men : 
 
 Methought I found myself in the most beautiful plain I 
 ever beheld. The soil was covered with a verdure scarce to 
 be equalled by colours, or conceived by imagination. A vast 
 quantity of flowers of different sorts variegated the scene, 
 and perfumed the air with the most delicious odours. In 
 the midst of this plain stood a mountain, not much unlike 
 a mitre; which was of great height, but withal so free from 
 all incumbrances of trees or briars, that I could, from the 
 bottom of the hill, very plainly discern all such as ascended, 
 or endeavoured to ascend. On one of the summits of this hill 
 sat nine girls, whose names I learnt to be Miss Cally, Miss 
 Cly, Miss Eaty, Miss Thally, Miss Pomy, Miss Psicky, Miss 
 Terpy, Miss Polly, Miss Any; they were very indifferently 
 dressed, but so extremely beautiful, that the rents in their 
 garments, which discovered some parts of their charming 
 limbs, would have been ill supplied by the richest brocade. 
 
 Misc. "Writings II — 7 

 
 98 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 A little man who lay in the lap of one, with his head in the 
 bosom of another, playing with his hands with the neck of a 
 third, gave me an idea of a certain colonel, who formerly used 
 to lie in state in this town. I could by no means learn the 
 name of this happy man, though I asked several, who all re- 
 turned me indirect answers. One swore, if he could come at 
 him, he would soon kick him down the hill; another, that 
 he had no right to be there; a third (a very grave man) shook 
 his head and said, he did not understand Greek. But what 
 surprised me the most, was, that several persons, instead of 
 telling me his name, ventured to contradict my senses, and 
 to assure me I was mistaken, for that the little gentleman was 
 not where I saw him : while I stood shocked with the assur- 
 ance of this declaration, I observed a pretty tall man tumbling 
 down the hill with great precipitation; upon applying my 
 glass, I thought I had seen him somewhere before; and was 
 told, that he had ascended a good part of the mountain in 
 disguise, and had passed several of the guards (which I now 
 took notice, watched carefully at equal distances on the ascent) 
 under counterfeit names. My friend had scarce ended, when 
 the aforesaid person past by me, and with an air of indig- 
 nation cried out, " Keep your Helican, and be paxed ! A cup 
 of sack is a better thing, stap my vitals! and since those 
 young ladies will not let me up the hill, I will never introduce 
 one of them to court, split me ! " He then began to hum a 
 song — I could hear some few words only, as " Sing and Lib- 
 erty," " Sing and War," and " Sing and Peace." I remarked, 
 the faster he sung, the faster he walked, or rather ran from 
 the hill, so that he was soon out of sight, which he scarce 
 was, when I heard a vast noise at the bottom of the hill; 
 indeed it was so loud, and of so strange a kind, that I despair 
 of giving my reader an adequate idea of it. Nor do I believe 
 he can form a juster, than by imaging a discordant chorus of 
 all the vociferous animals in the world; for, besides the 
 human organs, which were here diversified into all the dif- 
 ferent kinds of vocal music, such as whistling, yawning, hol- 
 loaing, hooting, groaning, etc., there were several animals 
 (not chosen, as it seems, for the sweetness of their pipes).
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 99 
 
 such as asses, owls, and cats conjoined. Wliile I was wonder- 
 ing at this hideous outcry, one who stood near me, said, " Oh ! 
 they are hunting an author." 
 
 Nor can I help mentioning, that the little gentleman on 
 the top of the hill, put on a kind of smile, which I thought 
 unbecoming at so brutal an entertainment. I was diverted 
 from inquiring farther into the meaning of this pastime, by 
 a number of persons who brushed by me; some of whom I 
 thought I had seen before, and heard them often mention 
 the " encouragement of learning," as they past along : I was 
 informed these did not attempt to climb themselves, but only 
 to recommend others, whom I did not observe to ascend: at 
 the same time, I remarked a very loud laugh among those who 
 guarded the avenues; soon after which the said crowd re- 
 turned back, among whom I heard it muttered, *' It was very 
 hard a man can't be allowed a little judgment for his money." 
 They were just gone, when a fat, well-dressed man came up, 
 somewhat out of breath with the hastiness of his travelling. 
 He was refused to pass, but received a pretty large sum of 
 money at the gate, with which he seemed to return very well 
 contented. Immediately after him arrived a grave gentle- 
 man in black, who marched on with a very solemn pace: I 
 observed he passed the first gate; soon after which, I heard 
 the hideous outcry I mentioned above, repeated for a consid- 
 erable time; at last, I was pleased to find the black gentle- 
 man had escaped them, whom I saw ascending the hill, though 
 they had torn all his clothes off from his back. My eyes were 
 no sooner taken from him, than they were accosted by a 
 well-dressed young man, with a good deal of fierceness in his 
 countenance ; the guards did not open the gate to him on his 
 producing the first passport, on which I could plainly read the 
 word " dunces ; " but on his producing a second, he was im- 
 mediately admitted into the first gate, and I could neither see 
 nor hear what became of him afterwards. A large number 
 of people began now to advance, some in very fine, and some 
 in very shabby dresses; they were all refused, the guards as- 
 suring them, they would let no one pass without telling his 
 name, if required. As soon as they were departed, I was told.
 
 100 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 on inquiry, that they were anoymous satirists, most of them 
 very scurrilous, and all very dull. We were no sooner rid of 
 this company, than a couple approached, who, though their 
 persons did not much agree (the one being of the taller kind, 
 and thin, the other shorter and fatter), yet their minds seemed 
 to be more of a piece, they seemed to walk together with 
 great friendship and affection : the gates were instantly opened 
 to them, and they walked on, without any interruption, to the 
 top of the hill; where the little gentleman, and the nine 
 young ladies saluted them. They no sooner showed them- 
 selves there, than a parcel of asses, who were grazing at the 
 bottom, set up the most execrable bray I ever heard : this I 
 was informed, by one of the guards, was the nature of the 
 beasts whenever they beheld any figure on the top of the 
 mountain. Upon my asking who those two gentlemen were, 
 the same person replied, " The shorter of them is the excellent 
 author of Leonidas. He was introduced here many years 
 ago by Milton and Homer; nor is he dearer to those great 
 poets, than to several Spartan and Roman heroes. He is 
 thought, by long intimacy with those two, to have learnt the 
 majestic air of Homer, while he dresses himself like Milton, 
 though others believe both to be natural to him. As for 
 the other gentleman, he was very fond of one or two of those 
 ladies you see yonder, in his youth, and they as warmly re- 
 turned his passion; but of late, there hath grown a coldness 
 of his side ; and graver studies, in which he hath nobly distin- 
 guished himself, have made him less frequent in their em- 
 braces." He was proceeding, when several persons came up, 
 the first of which had, I observed, a great club in his hand. 
 The gate was immediately opened to them; and as soon as 
 they had entered, the guard whispered in my ear, " They are 
 the family of the Vinegars ; he at the head is the great Cap- 
 tain Hercules." If you will give me leave, captain, your club 
 seemed to strike such a terror, that I am in some doubt, 
 whether you did not owe your admission to it: I no sooner 
 turned about than I observed a huge over grown fellow, with 
 a large rabble at his heels, who huzza'd him all along as he 
 went. He had a smile, or rather a sneer in his countenance.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 101 
 
 and shook most people by the hand as he past ; on each side of 
 him walked three persons^, with cloths and brushes in their 
 hands, who were continually employed in rubbing off mire 
 from him ; and really he travelled through such a quantity of 
 dirt, that it was as much as they could possibly do to keep him 
 from being covered. I was informed that a certain person, 
 calling himself a hyp-doctor, walked after him, but he was 
 invisible to me. As soon as he came to the gate, he whispered 
 to the guard, and then shook him by the hand; upon which 
 the gate was opened, but as the guard was going to shut it 
 on the rest, the huge man turned about, and cried, " Sir, I pay 
 for self and company ; " upon which it was flung wide open, 
 and the whole crew entered in, and marched on -without the 
 least interruption through the several passes; the huge man 
 shaking all those who should have kept them by the hand. 
 You will not wonder at m}'' curiosity in asking, who, or what 
 this man was; I was answered, " That he was a great magician, 
 eiand with a gentle squeeze by the hand, could bring any person 
 whatever to think, and speak, and do what he himself desired, 
 and that it was very difficult to avoid his touch; for if you 
 , ^^^tame but in his reach, he infallibly had you by the fist ; that 
 there was only one way to be secure against him, and that was 
 by keeping your hand shut, for then his touch had no power ; " 
 but indeed, this method of security I did not perceive any one 
 to put in practice. The company, with their leader, were now 
 advanced a considerable way up the hill, when the ladies ap- 
 plied to the little gentleman to defend them; but he, to the 
 great surprise of every body, crept under one of their petti- 
 coats upon which I heard one behind me cry out, " Ay, ay, he 
 >^'!'' hath been touched before I warrant you." The two gentle- 
 '' men, whom I mentioned to walk up the hill together, ad- 
 vanced bravely to the brow, and put themselves in a posture 
 of defence, with a seeming resolution to oppose the whole 
 posse. And now every one was in full expectation of the 
 issue; when (eagerly pressing too forward) I came within 
 the reach of the huge man, who gave me such a squeeze by the 
 hand, that it put an end to my dream, and instead of those 
 flowery landscapes which I painted in the beginning of my
 
 102 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 letter, I found myself three pair of stairs in the Inner 
 
 Temple. 
 
 If you find any thing in this worth your notice, the next 
 
 time I dream at all to the purpose, you shall hear from me 
 
 again. I am. 
 
 Sir, your humble servant 
 Inner Temple, December 7. 
 
 Saturday^ December 15, 1739. 
 
 " Haud secus ac vitreas sollers piscator ad undas. 
 Ore levem patulo texens de vimine nassam, 
 Cautius interiora ligat, mediamque per alvum 
 Sensim fastigans compressa cacumina nectit, 
 Ac fraude arctati remeare foraminia arcet 
 Introitu facilem, quern traxit ab osquore piscem." 
 
 SiLius Italicus, lib. 5. 
 
 The great variety which is found in the nature of man, hath 
 extremely perplexed those writers who have endeavoured to 
 reduce the knowledge of him to a certain science, and may 
 perhaps have been the reason, why the philosopher in his 
 definition of man, doth not include any of his passions or 
 habits, but only his outward figure. 
 
 " Man differs more from man, than man from beast," 
 
 says one of our poets. And, indeed, not to launch out into 
 that variety, which the difference of climates, customs, re- 
 ligions, education, laws, &c., have introduced into human na- 
 ture, we shall find, between persons of the same age, com- 
 plexion, religion, and education, sufficient reason to approve 
 this his observation. 
 
 T am surprised, that Machiavelli, who, in several places, 
 hath taken notice, that the same measures have often pro- 
 duced different events, hath no where assigned this as the 
 cause; for it is the business of the politician, as well as the
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 103 
 
 physician, to study the constitution of his patient; for the 
 same dose will not have the same effect on all minds, any 
 more than on all bodies. 
 
 This diversity in human nature hath been the greatest 
 stumbling-block in the way of politicians, who have found 
 it very difficult to adapt their bait to the various palates of 
 man. Experience teaches these gentlemen, that he who will 
 fly from one bribe, will as greedily swallow another, and 
 that every different man is to be taken a different way. On 
 which account Dr. South represents that eminent politician, 
 the devil, very cautiously suiting his bait to the particular 
 disposition of him whom he endeavours to take : " He 
 offers," saith he, "riches to the avaricious, power to the am- 
 bitious, honours to the vain, pleasures to the voluptuous," 
 &c. 
 
 The art of politics is not unlike the art of fishing. Indeed 
 a politician may very properly be called a fisher of men : I 
 shall therefore consider him in this light; and, as the chief 
 excellency of both consists in choosing proper baits, I shall 
 lay down some instructions, whereby the politician may know 
 how to bait his hook as well as the fisherman: and herein, I 
 shall follow the style and method of those authors who have 
 treated the art of angling; and first, I shall take notice of 
 the definition which James Saunders, Esq., a most inimitable 
 WTiter, in his Compleat Fisherman, gives of the angler: 
 *' "Who is (says he) a person under some eminent circum- 
 stances, which allow a perfect description of him; for he is 
 a very particular person indeed, nor is every man qualified 
 for the work, or, as it is justly called, not a work, but a 
 sport." This learned gentleman also refutes two opinions, 
 viz. first, " That he who has nothing else to show for his 
 being a gentleman, will find it hard to make his title good 
 
 in the herald's book." And afterwards, he observes, " that 
 
 some say an angler must be a man of no thinking; whereas 
 (says he) he must have his passions all at command, he must 
 govern his temper with an absolute sway, and be able to sus- 
 tain his mind under the greatest disappointments ; " which 
 being allowed of the angler, I think it will not be needful
 
 104 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 to prove the resemblance lie bears to the politician: for he 
 may not only make himself a gentleman, but all of his 
 family, nay, his footman also; and as to the government of 
 his temper, it is so necessary, that the art of grinning with 
 a heavy heart is the very greatest qualification of a statesman. 
 
 It is a rule laid down for the angler, not to go too near 
 the river side, especially when he would take a carp, or more 
 cautious fish; but rather hide himself behind some bulk or 
 
 block. The same should be observed by the politician ; for 
 
 as the fish will not bite if he sees the angler no more will 
 the man, if he suppose any other see him. 
 
 One caution I shall here premise, as necessary for the 
 politician, which I have not observed given to the angler; 
 which is, carefully to avoid hooking a fish too potent for him 
 to deal with: if he does, to let go his hold immediately, lest 
 he be pulled into the water, instead of pulling the fish out. 
 
 I shall proceed now to show the several kinds of fish which 
 a politician is to angle for, and the baits with which they are 
 
 to be taken. And first the carp, of which the aforesaid 
 
 Mr. Saunders says, " That he is a very subtle fish, not easily 
 surprised, and therefore not undeservedly called the water- 
 fox; he will not come near to any place, where he finds the 
 water put into a violent motion; he being to be taken by the 
 stillest and quietest methods, nothing that ruffles the water 
 in the least must be done: for as the carp is the water-fox, 
 
 so he must be as subtle as a fox who takes him." From 
 
 hence we may gather, the great folly of those who attempt 
 to take this fish in troubled or muddy water; and, indeed, as 
 there requires much art to take him, in like manner as much 
 more is necessary to hold him, for, after he is hooked, he often 
 
 carries off your tackle. And lastly, when taken, he is very 
 
 bony and dangerous in devouring, that, I think, it is our 
 politician's most prudent way to let him alone, and as much 
 as possible avoid him : for the political carp hath a peculiar 
 quality, which is, that, when he is not fished for himself, he 
 will often, by striking down into the bottom, raise the sand, 
 and spoil the politician's sport. On which account, some 
 have taken all methods, both fair and foul, to rid ponds of
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 105 
 
 those fish. Indeed, the political carp proves often very dan- 
 gerous, and sometimes fatal to our angler : for which reason, 
 one of the most ingenious anglers I ever knew, shunned him 
 with the utmost caution; giving out at the same time, that 
 a chub was a fish of a much better savour. 
 
 The second fish I shall mention is the pike; a very vora- 
 cious fish, as all who write of him allow, I shall here set 
 down some rules, which Mr. Saunders gives, for taking this 
 
 fish. As first, that the largest bait is not the best, for 
 
 though he may bite sooner at the large bait than the small 
 one, yet the angler will oftener miss taking him; for he does 
 
 not gorge the large bait so soon as the small. Secondly, 
 
 that it were well if you could pull your line perpendicular, 
 
 if that may be, by which means you might have him safe. 
 
 Thirdly, he seems to prefer snapping, to trowling after this 
 fish. Nor can I omit one observation of his, that his throat 
 is the grave of all the small fish in the river. 
 
 The political pike differs little from the other, save in the 
 first observation of Mr. Saunders; for this will gorge the 
 largest bait full as soon as the smallest, and bite as soon at 
 the small, as at the large bait. Scotland and Cornwall are 
 thought to send up very good fish of this kind: they all bite 
 very greedil}^, and require little nicety in the baiting. As 
 soon as he is hooked, you may draw him up and dowoi, or from 
 one side to the other of the river, as you please, and he will 
 yield you most excellent sport. I shall add only one thing 
 more, viz., that I think lines properer than rods for taking 
 this fish. 
 
 I am now to treat of the chub, of whom Mr. Saunders 
 says, that he is not so much esteemed for the flesh, as the 
 
 sport of fishing for him. The political chub however, 
 
 differs in one thing from the finny, in that the head of the 
 latter is the most excellent part; whereas that of the former 
 is not quite so good; but then it agrees so well with this 
 description of Mr. Saunders, that one would think it was 
 meant of it, viz. " The chubs are none of the best principled 
 people; for if they like any particular place in the river, let 
 the former inhabitants be what they will, trout, barbel, perch.
 
 106 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 or any thing but the pike ; they make no conscience of driving 
 them out, and taking possession for themselves. Hence it 
 often happens, that in a place long famous for trouts, you 
 shall find chubs; and when once you find a chub there, you 
 may spare your labour of fishing there for any more trouts, 
 for you are certain to find none ; the chub having routed them 
 all out ; the latter being the stronger and more violent fish by 
 
 far." He says of him afterwards, "That he will bite at 
 
 any thing, either natural or artificial, indeed any thing that 
 is either soft or sweet, and that will hang on the hook." 
 The political chub seems to agree so well with this description, 
 that it is needless to say any thing particular of him; for it 
 is well known, that where chubs are, carps will have nothing 
 to do; I shall only remark, that there is scarce a carp left in 
 the Thames, which is at present almost full of chubs. 
 
 The fish which yields the politician the best sport is the 
 gudgeon: the greedy nature of this fish is known to almost 
 every school-boy, and its readiness to bite at any thing, hath 
 growTi into a proverb. The political and other gudgeons 
 are so much alike, that they need no particular description. 
 I shall only remark, that as the red worm is the best bait 
 for the latter, so a piece of red riband is a fine bait for the 
 former. 
 
 Most of the kind of fish which compose a politician's sport, 
 may be reduced to some of these afore-mentioned heads; so 
 that by following these very short rules, he will easily know 
 how to deal with them: but he is deceived, if he thinks his 
 trouble over when he has secured the fish: he ought also 
 then to be instructed what to do with him. A politician 
 ought to be a good cook, as well as a good angler; but at 
 the same time, not to rely so much on his cookery, or on 
 any disguise of sauce, as to impose a chub upon the world for 
 a carp.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 107 
 
 INDEX OF THE TIMES. 
 Saturday, December 15, 1739. 
 
 As the play house, since some ingenious, young gentlemen 
 have turned it into a Bear Garden falls naturally within my 
 province, I shall think proper to animadvert on such occur- 
 rences there, as occasionally happens : it would be therefore 
 unjust, to take no notice of a most excellent device made use 
 of the other night, where some one observing that Brutus 
 says of Cassar, " The angry spot doth glow on Caesar's brow." 
 
 Equipped the said Csesar with a large painted spot over 
 his eye. Such decorations as these are of great use to an 
 Author, as they greatly heighten a poetical image, and at the 
 same time help the audience to understand it : for as Horace 
 says, " Nothing makes so quick an impression on the mind 
 as. Qua sunt oculis subjecta fidelibus." 
 
 Saturday, December 18, 1739. 
 
 " Urhem quam dicunt romam, melibwa, putavi 
 Stultus ego huic nostroe similem." — ViRG. 
 
 Though it was not, at first, my intention to deal much 
 in serious politics in this paper, the following letter, which I 
 received last week, is written with so elegant and proper a 
 spirit; and the matter it treats, of such moment, that I hope 
 the reader will receive it with as much favour as he would 
 something of a more humorous kind, and that he will forgive 
 me the not striking out the first part of it, for which I return 
 thanks to the author. 
 
 Sir — Though a vein of wit hath discovered itself in your 
 papers, which the town hath not, lately, seen any thing equal 
 to, I am afraid you have not yet met with the success which
 
 108 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 your writings deserve, and which I not only wish, but promise 
 you on your perseverance ; nor would I have you discouraged, 
 that you are not received with that immediate applause, 
 which some of your predecessors have met with on their first 
 appearance ; but rather account for it with me, these two ways : 
 first, that the people have been so long crammed with non- 
 sense and dulness, that, like children, who have been tormented 
 with physic, they are grown suspicious, and must be brought 
 with some pains and difficulty, to receive agreeable and whole- 
 some food. Secondly, that wise and thoughtful men, who are 
 indeed the only true judges of wit, are scarce in a temper at 
 present to be entertained. An immense fleet, a vast army, 
 a decayed, sinking trade, an impoverished, indebted, and 
 corrupt nation, must raise ideas in every mind more suitable 
 to that ensuing solemn fast, which his majesty hath with 
 great piety proclaimed, than to any thing of mirth and fes- 
 tivity. I have sent you therefore the following letter, or ad- 
 dress to the citizens of London, which may possibly procure 
 you more readers at this season, than if Addison was to arise 
 from the dead, and write you an epistle from Sir Eoger de 
 Coverley. 
 
 To THE Citizens of London. 
 
 Gentlemen, — You must be sensible in what light your 
 late behaviour on the election of your principal magistrate 
 hath been regarded by the whole nation ; that spirit of liberty, 
 that zeal for the trade and honour of this kingdom, which dis- 
 tinguished themselves amongst you on this occasion, have 
 rendered your names the objects of love and respect through- 
 out Great Britain, and will transmit them in those amiable 
 colours to posterity. 
 
 The great esteem and regard which the people of England 
 have ever shown to the conduct of their metropolis, (looking 
 up to this great city always as to their Alma Mater) shine 
 forth in your chronicles, but brighter in no age than in this. 
 Many instances are needless to prove, that we direct our 
 measures by the standard of yours. The excise and con- 
 vention (those eternal monuments of your glory) are of them-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 109 
 
 selves sujfficient evidence of this truth. Thus while you direct 
 our actions, being at the same time the great reservoir of 
 what must be st3ied the blood of the political body, you are at 
 once the head and heart of the nation. 
 
 If your example hath been able in this corrupt age to in- 
 fluence and excite men to the defence of liberty, how prevalent 
 must it be, when, coinciding with the depravity of our na- 
 tures, and the baseness of the times, it should lead them to 
 venality and prostitution? Corruption, which hath for many 
 years been creeping upon us, and working its way impercep- 
 tibly under ground, will, if it once finds an entrance into your 
 gates, rush downwards like a torrent, and overwhelm the na- 
 tion ; for who can stem it, if the citizens of London yield to its 
 force? Or where shall it meet with a dam, if your walls are 
 none? Can we suppose, that those who are able to bribe the 
 richest city in the universe, will not be capable of succeeding 
 in a beggarly borough ? Or can we expect, that a poor country 
 ^opkeeper, who can scarce drive away famine with his labour, 
 shall have virtue enough to refuse what is even necessary to 
 his livelihood, whilst the opulent tradesman or merchant of 
 London, avariciously, or perhaps, wantonly gives up his con- 
 science, his country, nay, his own real interest to hire ? Thus 
 the most impudent scheme ever attempted (for surely to at- 
 tempt to bribe the city of London, must be so) may in the 
 end prove the wisest, and the whole people may be corrupted, 
 as Caligula would have beheaded them, at once. 
 
 I would not be understood to insinuate that this is the 
 case. I am far from fearing this ever will be the ease. No, 
 I rather wish to impute those slanders, spread abroad, to the 
 desires, than the hopes of your enemies : for who can believe 
 that this great and wealthy city, many of whose members 
 could once, singly, furnish out more money in one day, than 
 the whole opulent city of Amsterdam in several.^ A city! 
 Avhose favour, in all eras of our history, hath been solicit- 
 ously courted by every administration, of such weight hitherto 
 in our constitution, that, in all contentions, it hath turned 
 the balance by its own weight to which side it pleased. Who 
 
 ^ See the third volume of Clarendon's History.
 
 110 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 can, I say, believe that this city is to be purchased ? Who can 
 believe that the city of London will submit to be bribed? 
 Will stoop to low, mean, and pitiful bribes? Will give it- 
 self up a prostitute to the hire of those who have made it 
 their maxim, and the constant business both of themselves 
 and their creatures, to villify and depreciate her citizens; 
 to treat those rich, powerful, and most useful members of 
 the commonwealth, as knaves and beggars, who have affected 
 
 in all their conversations that contempt 1 repeat the word 
 
 that contempt for you, which this base prostitution could 
 
 only give them in reality ? 
 
 If then there be any among you, whom you justly suspect 
 to be tainted with this pestilence, shun them as you would 
 a contagion, drive them from your society as wounded deer, 
 or rather infected lepers. Let the judgment annexed to the 
 conviction be perpetual infamy. Let no man speak to, no 
 man deal with, such a person. Let him not only bring shame, 
 (which is a small punishment to a mind thoroughly polluted) 
 but ruin on himself and family. 
 
 I am warm, gentlemen, and it becomes you to be so too. 
 The honour of your city is at stake; you have been treated 
 with rapine and injustice, but never with contempt till now. 
 This is the first period in our annals, which hath seen you 
 the object of scorn and ridicule. The first time that it hath 
 been said of you, "that you might be had, but are not 
 worth having;" on which I will observe, that if the first 
 part of the sentence is true, the latter is undoubtedly true 
 also. 
 
 The constitution of the city of London, resembles that of 
 Great Britain in general: indeed all the corporations of 
 England are so many little wheels comprehended in one 
 great one, whose form they represent in miniature. You 
 have a mayor, an upper and a lower house; in the last of 
 which, as in a House of Commons, lies the security of your 
 liberties, as long as honest and upright men are elected into 
 it; whereas, on the contrary, if you depute base and corrupt 
 members to that office, that which should be your security, 
 will be only a security to your enemies in betraying you.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 111 
 
 It may perhaps be asked how you shall be certain to choose 
 an incorrupt person? to which I answer, that though corrup- 
 tion (cursed be the villains who projected it) hath so in- 
 sinuated itself amongst us, that it is almost impossible to tell 
 who is not infected; there is however a certain mark by 
 which you may discover who is. He who is upheld by the 
 purses of those who are known enemies of the city, or the 
 known creatures of those enemies, may be depended on as one 
 who will work their ends and his own interest at the expense 
 of the welfare and honour of the city. 
 
 This is the man you are to esteem corrupt. This is the 
 man for whom you are not to vote, but to shun, detest, and 
 abhor all those who do. 
 
 The day is now at hand, which is to give a defeat, or a 
 triumph to your enemies. A day ! which I regard as of the 
 utmost consequence to British lil3erty; since it must appear, 
 on this day, to all the world, whether the city of London is, 
 or is not to be bribed, and drank, and laughed out of her 
 integrity; whether her citizens resemble the ancient or the 
 modern inhabitants of Rome. In a word, whether they are 
 a body of brave, free, incorrupt Englishmen, or a banditti of 
 slaves and sturdy beggars. 
 
 Exert yourselves then on this occasion, show the world 
 your integrity in disdaining a bribe, your bravery and freedom 
 in a steady opposition to those who have laid or promoted 
 schemes of slavery and oppression, and your resentment in 
 kicking out such from among you as herd with men, who 
 have dared with as much folly as impudence to treat you with 
 disrespect. Show your enemies that you have these virtues, 
 and they will soon court your favour in an open and an 
 honouralsle manner, who now attempt secretly to undermine 
 you, whilst they openly aSect to ridicule and despise you.
 
 112 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Saturday^ December 22, 1739. 
 " Judicantem vidimus Macum." — Horace. 
 
 When I first undertook the office of Champion, I appointed 
 a general council, or assembly of my family, to meet every 
 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening, to examine into 
 ■ways and means for the improvement and diversion of my 
 countrymen; and it hath been likewise usual with me on 
 all emergencies to convene a council extraordinary, and some- 
 times to order the attendance of any particular person of my 
 family, in whose province the enormity hath happened, whom 
 I have commanded to draw up a remonstrance, or case for 
 my own satisfaction, to be perused or not by the public, as 
 I have thought proper. 
 
 I have also determined to erect a court of judicature, 
 wherein I shall sit myself as sole judge, and before which I 
 shall summon and try at my pleasure, all manner of persons 
 and things in this kingdom, assigning to the parties such 
 counsel out of my own family, as to me appears meet. This 
 court I shall hold more or less often at my own will, and 
 as occasion requires ; and shall sentence such as I think guilty, 
 entirely according to my pleasure, without any regard had to 
 the laws now in being. These my sentences, trusty officers 
 shall be appointed to execute on the reputations of all 
 offenders, which said reputations they will be fully empowered 
 to abuse, post, pillor, whip, and hang up accordingly to my 
 several sentences. 
 
 With the transactions of this court, I shall acquaint my 
 readers, as often as I think they can turn to their diversion or 
 emolument, concealing or exposing the names of the offenders, 
 as they give me more or less hopes of their amendment. 
 
 How useful, and indeed how necessary this bench must be, 
 will not be doubted by any who consider that our laws are 
 not sufficient to restrain or correct half the enormities which 
 spring up in this fruitful soil. The man who murders, robs, 
 or ravishes, is indeed punished with death. But there are
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 113 
 
 invaclers and destroyers of our lives and fortunes, and of the 
 persons and honour of our women, whom no laws in being 
 can any way come at. 
 
 Nor would it be enough that those greater crimes should 
 be punished, the covetous, the prodigal, the ambitious, the 
 voluptuous, the bully, the vain, the hypocrite, the flatterer, *^« 
 the slanderer, call aloud for the champion's vengeance. Cln 
 short, whatever is wicked, hateful, absurd, or ridiculous, must 
 be exposed and punished before this nation is brought to 
 that height of purity and good manners to which I wish to 
 see it exalted. ) 
 
 It will be, no doubt, a great satisfaction to my honest 
 countrymen, that they are to appear before a judge whom 
 no partiality can incline, no bribe allure, nor no threats 
 frighten to acquit the guilty, or convict the innocent. A 
 judge, before whom no one will be too great or too mean to 
 receive justice. At the same time it must give no small 
 alarm to several who have thought themselves, and their ill- 
 acquired possessions safe from all inquisition of the laws, to 
 find themselves liable to the sentence of so terrible and 
 impartial a bench of justice. 
 
 The methods which I have taken in erecting this court of 
 judicature, must give great entertainment to the readers. 
 
 I have set apart a large room in my own house, at the 
 upper end of which is a great elbow-chair, raised on several 
 steps, with a desk and cushion before it. In this chair, I 
 shall sit in judgment; below is a table, at which my family 
 are to be placed as counsel: behind is the bar, where the 
 prisoners are to be arraigned, and on one side is a stool for 
 the evidence. As for juries, I have no need of them, as I 
 reserve to myself the full power of convicting or acquitting as 
 I think just. 
 
 I was, at first, at no small loss to imagine a prison large 
 enough to contain the great number of offenders, and began 
 to entertain some thoughts of building one by subscription 
 (a method in which I shall pursue all my schemes), till I 
 bethought myself of setting apart those rooms, where the 
 convocation was formerly held to this purpose, at least till 
 
 Misc. Weitings II — 8
 
 114 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 the convening that reverend body, by which time I may pos- 
 sibly find out some other place to detain my prisoners in. 
 ■'As I have observed the good people of England to be 
 great lovers of all executions; and as I have often heard it 
 lamented, that there are not proper conveniencies for our 
 women of fashion to be present at these spectacles, I have 
 appointed the stage in Drury Lane to be the scene of all 
 V punishments, which are to be there executed between the 
 ^ second and third music. This, I think, cannot fail of drawing 
 larger audiences, than at present frequent our theatres; and 
 may likewise give the pit and galleries such an opportunity 
 of venting their spleen and ill-nature before the curtain rises, 
 as may enable them to suffer the players to proceed without 
 any interruption. 
 
 There being yet no more than one officer of this court 
 appointed, I shall here acquaint the public with the several 
 offices which I have thought fit to constitute, and the qualifi- 
 cations required to enable any man to possess them; that 
 whoever shall think himself duly entitled, may appear before 
 us, next council day, at eleven in the forenoon, and put in 
 his claim, where he may be assured of being admitted or re- 
 jected according to his merit. 
 
 First, six tipstaves, two of which are to give constant at- 
 tendance, and be relieved weekly: their business will be to 
 seize all such persons, as they shall be thereto empowered by 
 warrant under my hand and seal, and convey them to the 
 prison aforesaid. These I shall choose out of such officers, 
 not above the degree of a captain, as shall have given suf- 
 ficient marks of their prowess: I mean, not abroad, with 
 wliich I have little to do; but at home, in open defiance of 
 their own laws and countrymen. 
 
 Secondly, one head, and four under-gaolers. The first 
 must give proof of having confined a young wife, who gave 
 him a good fortune, in some lonely house in the country, for 
 at least ten years; while he has spent her money in this 
 town, without suffering her to enjoy the least share in it. 
 As for the others, it will be sufficient that they have been 
 bailiffs, informing constables, or some others who have made
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 115 
 
 a livelihood of the miseries and misfortunes of their fellow 
 creatures. 
 
 Thirdly, three clerks, viz. clerk of the court, clerk of the 
 indictments, and clerk of the arraigns. These to be chosen 
 out of such gentlemen of the Inns of Court, as having had 
 too high parts to confine themselves to the dull crabbed 
 study of the law, have spent so much of their youthful days 
 in dress, amour, and other diversions, that they get a very 
 uncomfortable subsistence at the bar; and from their want 
 of other employment, are generally to be seen in the coffee- 
 hguses about the Temple and the theatre. 
 £_Fourthly, though I shall not hang any of my convicts, yet 
 as I shall deal with them in such a manner, that it may 
 be presumed they will hang themselves; I have therefore 
 appointed ordinaries or chaplains of every religion now cur- 
 rent. And whereas, it is modestly supposed, that great part 
 of my convicts will be people of no religion at all, I shall 
 appoint two grave men out of the body of Free-thinkers ; the 
 one a professed atheist (if one can be found), the other a 
 deist, to strengthen and confirm the condemned prisoners, 
 that they may retire to a state of nonentity, and calmly and 
 quietly dissolve into nothing, without any perturbations of 
 mind, or being terrified by priests, at their last hours, into 
 notions, with which their whole lives have been utterly un- 
 acquainted. Eeserving, however, to all such persons a full 
 power of recanting, at their own particular desire, and em- 
 bracing any religion they shall think convenient. 
 
 Fifthl}^, the office of a crier is conferred on a great orator. 
 
 And sixthly, as to counsel, I have reserved that oflBce en- 
 tirely to my own family. 
 
 Tuesday^ December 25, 1739. 
 — "Quid studium prosit?" — Horace. 
 
 ; 
 
 Notwithstanding the great terror in which I keep my 
 family, and the great respect which I sincerely believe them
 
 116 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 all to entertain for my natural parts, and personal strength 
 and intrepidity; I have often a suspicion that they have all 
 round a thorough contempt of my learning: this my father, 
 brother, and one or two of my sons, have not scrupled to 
 acquaint me with, as they know it is a point on which I 
 am far from valuing myself : but I was not a little surprised 
 the other day, to hear my wife, in whom I never suspected 
 that pre-eminence, on some controversy that happened, answer 
 me very flatly, that she wondered I should dispute those 
 things with her, when I might Icnow very well, that she was 
 so much a better scholar than myself. 
 
 I was at first a little ruffled with this assertion, till on re- 
 flection, I soon resolved my anger into that contempt I have 
 always had for a qualification, which I look on as effepainate 
 and intended only for women; an opinion I thinlc, plainly 
 intimated in the habits which all nations distinguish their 
 professors of learning by, nearly resembling that of females, 
 and to whom we give the name of the long-robed; or as I 
 have somewhere heard, the petticoat gentry, including the 
 female and learned world under one general appellation. 
 
 While I w^as meditating on this matter, I happened acci- 
 dentally to open my father's commonplace book, where I found 
 much good reading under the title learning, not a little to 
 my satisfaction. 
 
 It is there observed, that this word learning implies the 
 same as knowledge, which was that forbidden fruit our first 
 father tasted, and to which we owe all the evil and miseries 
 to which our nature is now subject; and here I was pleased 
 to corroborate my above-mentioned opinion of the effeminacy 
 of learning, by remarking that it was first introduced into the 
 world by a woman. 
 
 The Chinese, a very mse, polite, and well regulated people, 
 and whose ordinary institutes of life seem far superior to the 
 Europeans, have very little learning among them, more than 
 is immediately necessary to mechanics and other useful arts. 
 Their philosophy, poetry, history, and other ornamental 
 branches of learning are very superficial ; and it is well known, 
 that the Turks, a very warlike and great people, are such
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 117 
 
 declared enemies to it, they would not till lately admit the 
 art of printing to be cultivated among them. 
 
 The Romans maintained their greatness little longer than 
 they retained their ignorance; and our own annals (notwith- 
 standing the glorious reign of Queen Anne) show us at least 
 that we were able to conquer as well in our darker as more 
 enlightened ages. 
 
 I would by no means be here understood to be an enemy 
 to all good learning, a competency of which (I mean to 
 write and read, an height to which I myself have arrived) 
 may possibly be necessary to all such as are bred to divinity, 
 law, or physic. The utmost I contend for, being to banish 
 from among us those dead tongues which are not only use- 
 less, but, as I am informed, have much contributed to intro- 
 duce the religion of the ancients as well as their language. 
 
 I question not, but many of my good readers will abundantly 
 stare at a proposal of banishing learning from those learned 
 professions before mentioned; but as I think I can prove it 
 not only useless, but very pernicious to all of them, I shall 
 not be hastily afraid nor ashamed of my assertion. 
 
 And first as to divinity, I think Peter Burman in his Oratio 
 contra Studia Humanitatis, hath plainly proved the reading 
 those profane authors who have writ in Greek or Latin, to be 
 utterly inconsistent with the study of divinity; as the whole 
 oration is excellent, and exhausts all that can be said on this 
 head ; and as I have seen a translation of it in English, I shall 
 refer my curious reader to it. As for certain authors called 
 fathers, which writ in those languages, and which were 
 formerly supposed conducive to this study, I apprehend they 
 are not at present extant, having to my knowledge never seen 
 any in the libraries of our divines. 
 
 The study of Divinity, I apprehend may properly be divided 
 into three branches, viz. the Credenda, the Agenda, and the 
 Habenda. 
 
 As to the Credenda, or matters of faith, regarding doctrinal 
 and ceremonial points, I cannot much recommend the Scrip- 
 tures (little hereof being to be found therein) ; but as I ap- 
 prehend we have about six waggon-loads of books on this head
 
 118 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 in our language, I cannot see any reason for our student to go 
 farther. I shall observe these books are generally very cheap 
 (considering their excellence), and a young divine may pur- 
 chase a very handsome library for a trifle. 
 
 Concerning the Agenda, or matters of morality, I know 
 some persons have thought that the excellent and divine 
 Sermon on the Mount, contains all that can be said or 
 thought on this subject; that that inimitable short system of 
 morality, which is alone a sufficient proof of the divine mis- 
 sion of its Author, comprehends all that is useful or profitable, 
 or meritorious to ourselves and others; and that, at the same 
 time, it is so concise and yet so full, it is also plain, that no 
 law ever less needed a comment ; notwithstanding which, there 
 is scarce one word which hath not been explained in more 
 pages than have been written on all the abstruse and dark 
 passages of the ancient philosophers, all which excellent ex- 
 planations are now extant in our own language under the 
 title of sermons. 
 
 As to the third, viz. the Habenda or tithes, I apprehend, 
 as very little of this occurs in the ancient Greek or Koman 
 authors, so a complete knowledge may be acquired thereof 
 by Bohun's Complete Law of Tithes, and a swinging folio 
 called Parson's Law. 
 
 I think on this short survey, it appears how useless Greek 
 and Latin must be to the study of divinity, and as to the 
 perniciousness thereof, I think loss of time only would be a 
 sufficient argument, seeing that a very long life, and very 
 good eyes, are requisite to the perusal of those necessary 
 books above mentioned; but numberless other reasons are 
 given by the said Peter Burman. 
 
 As to the law, I know it may be objected that Cicero hath 
 affirmed a complete knowledge of all arts and sciences to be 
 necessary to the formation of a perfect orator; and my Lord 
 Coke, in his Comments on Littleton, insinuates that an aca- 
 demic education is the proper introduction to the study of 
 law. But these will have little weight, if we consider the 
 difference between the Eoman and English laws ; in the latter 
 of which, oratory is by most thought utterly useless; and
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 119 
 
 secondly, that my Lord Coke himself is (I am told) at present 
 generally esteemed (especially by all those good judges who 
 have never read a syllable of him) to be a very stupid, dull 
 fellow, who would have made a very indifferent figure in 
 Westminster Hall in this age. I am assured by my son Tim 
 Vinegar, who hath been a student in Lincoln's Inn these five 
 years, that a very competent knowledge of the law is to be 
 met with in Jacob's Dictionary, and the other legal works of 
 that learned author. Nay, he very confidently asserts, that 
 nothing is more hurtful to a perfect knowledge of the law 
 than reading it; for( says he) it is common in our books to 
 meet with controverted opinions, which mightily confound 
 and distract the mind of the student, who will be much more 
 likely to be in the right, if he adheres to his own judgment 
 assisted with those books above-mentioned; he confirms this 
 with the example of some old plodders, who have lost them- 
 selves in the wood, without ever finding the road to business ; 
 and ludicrously says, the best advice to a student is not to 
 outlaw himself. 
 
 Lastly, w^ith regard to physic, I apprehend it will be objected 
 that as this science hath been almost totally delivered in the 
 learned languages, some of its best books being (as I am in- 
 formed) written in Greek, a smattering, even of that lan- 
 guage, would not be entirely useless to the student. Nay, 
 perhaps, it will be insisted on that without a small share of 
 Latin, he will not be able to write a prescription. To this I 
 answer, that old physic is as obsolete as old divinity or old 
 law; that most of these books are translated into French; 
 (that hackney-vehicle of learning) that the hospitals have 
 rendered the universities useless ; for here a great quantity of 
 human bodies are daily prepared to be hacked and dosed just 
 as the doctors please ; so that a man may learn to be a good 
 physician mechanically, as he may to write a good hand ; for as 
 the rule is scrihendo disces scribere, so purgando disces pur- 
 gare. Besides, an intimate acquaintance with Galen and 
 Hippocrates, may render a man obstinate in adhering to their 
 opinions, which may possibly contradict the reigning mode, 
 or medicines in fashion. I shall omit an obvious conclusion
 
 120 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 from the eminent success of some quacks, who have pilled the 
 nation in a very extraordinary manner, without any assistance 
 from either Latin or Greek ; and the ill success of some phy- 
 sicians who have carried these two languages in their heads, 
 and been notwithstanding obliged to walk on foot all their 
 dfiys. 
 /-'A As to the matter of writing prescriptions, a very small 
 / proportion of Latin will be sufficient; not more, I believe, 
 I than three dozen of words, such as sumat, hihat repetat, &c. 
 \ which, with a long wig and a cane, I look upon as a complete 
 furniture for a physician. \ 
 
 I think, I have made it "appear that learning is not of such 
 consequence, as it is vulgarly imagined. And, if it be once 
 allowed, as it surely must, that it is useless in these three 
 professions, no one will, I conceive, contend for the necessity 
 of it in any of the other callings of life. The law supposes 
 a nobleman to be utterly void of it, for it provides that he 
 shall have his clergy, even though he can't read. Nor doth 
 it seem to expect much from a gentleman; for it gives this 
 reason for allowing the verbal order of a sheriff to his minis- 
 ters; namely, It may be the sheriff can't write. In- 
 deed true orthography, or the art of spelling, hath been ever 
 thought inconsistent with the character of a gentleman, as 
 carrying with it too pedantic an air; and though, perhaps, 
 it may be at present fashionable for a gentleman to be barely 
 able to write, yet I conceive it will be of great use to him, 
 that no body should be able to read his writing. Those gen- 
 teel accomplishments which have been foolishly thought to 
 ask the assistance of learning, have lately been discovered to 
 require none at all. Poetry, for instance, stands so little in 
 need of it, that the poet of our age, most cherished at court, 
 never pretended to more than to read. I know it may be 
 objected, that the English Apollo, the prince of poets, the 
 great Laureate abounds with such a redundancy of Greek and 
 Latin, that not contented with the vulgar affectation of a 
 motto to a play, he hath prefixed a Latin motto to every act 
 of his Cagsar in Egypt; some of which, as appears by the 
 said mottos, he had no temptation, but his aforesaid redund-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 131 
 
 anc}^, to place there; and in one other of his plays, he hath 
 introduced a footman talking Greek. So that one may say 
 of him with Hudibras, 
 
 " He could speak Greek, 
 
 As naturally as pigs squeak; 
 For Latin 'twas no more difficil, 
 Than for a blackbird 'tis to whistle." 
 
 Nay, his learning is thought to extend to the oriental tongues, 
 and I myself heard a gentleman reading one of his Odes, cry 
 out, " Why this is all Hebrew." I shall only answer, exceptio 
 probat regulam; at least, it would be a very unfair conclu- 
 sion, that because we have one poet who is a man of infinite 
 learning, therefore great learning is necessary to every poet. 
 The same reasoning might conclude, because we have one 
 great man with a great head, that it is therefore necessary 
 to every great man to have a great head; especially, since I 
 can produce such a number of very pretty poets, and Judicious 
 critics, who owe their excellence to vast abilities alone, with- 
 out the least assistance from human literature ; and are living 
 instances of the falsehood of that assertion of one Horace, 
 which I found in my father's commonplace book, 
 
 " JVoji rude quid possit video ingenium." 
 
 Thursday, December 27, 1739. 
 
 " Quid avarus ? 
 
 Stultus et infanus." — Horace. 
 
 QuEVEDO calls a covetous rich man one who knows where 
 a treasure is hid. A sentiment, which, I think, sets this 
 person in a most just and ridiculous light. If there be any 
 vice, which carries with it a more especial mark of madness 
 than all the rest, it is this. The devil may be said to deal 
 with the covetous man, as Dr. South tells us he does with
 
 122 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 the swearer, to cheat him of his soul without giving him any- 
 thing for it. 
 
 Plautus, and from him several modern writers have exposed 
 this covetous man with great extravagance and redundancy 
 of humour; nor do I know any character, which is received 
 both on the French and English stage, witli so general a 
 satisfaction. The spectators always showing a very visible 
 pleasure in all the disappointments which he meets with 
 through the whole comedy. 
 
 Mr. Nehemiah Vinegar hath communicated to me a dream, 
 or vision, of his, which, he imagines to have been occasioned 
 by being a spectator the other night at the comedy of the 
 Miser, and which I shall give the public without any farther 
 preface. 
 
 Methought, says he, I was conveyed into a large plain, at 
 the upper end of which stood a huge, old fabric, of the 
 Gothic kind : its outside seemed all of pure gold, and by the 
 reflection of the sunbeams made the most charming appear- 
 ance I ever beheld. As I stood some time still, admiring 
 this stupendous structure, which seemed capable of receiving 
 an infinite number of inhabitants, I observed several passen- 
 gers pass by me in all manner of vehicles, and some on foot, 
 who all made directly to it. Most of the foot passengers 
 were heavy laden, and some were scarce able to stand under 
 their burthen. They seemed also to show great apprehen- 
 sion of one another, scarce two being in company together, 
 and often looking round them vsdth great caution, lest any 
 one approached too near them. My curiosity increasing to 
 know whither all those persons could be going, I took an 
 opportunity of joining one, whose countenance appeared less 
 forbidding than the rest, and asked him the name of the 
 place, which he and so many others were approaching. In- 
 stead of returning me a direct answer, he replied with a 
 piteous tone, " Ah ! sir, I am afraid I never shall get thither : 
 I am not the man the world takes me for. Before the South 
 Sea indeed I had some hopes, but that gave me such a pull 
 back, that I am afraid I never shall recover it. I have been 
 travelling night and day ever since, and yet am not so far
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 123 
 
 as I was before that curst year." As I saw he was mending 
 his pace, and desired to leave me, I turned about from him, 
 and found myself overtaken by a grave, old gentleman, 
 whose journey was considerably retarded by a well dressed 
 young fellow of about five and twenty; this latter was con- 
 tinually pulling him by the sleeve, and desiring him to stop, 
 for that he had gone far enough of all conscience : to which 
 the other answered, " That he should be undone, he could 
 not support him; that if it had not been for lugging him 
 along, he should have been at the palace long since; that he 
 had sometimes dragged him farther back in a day, than he 
 had been able to recover in a month." I had just time to 
 recollect the faces of both, and knew them to be a very rich 
 citizen and his son — when I beheld a jolly plain-dressed man 
 with a pack on his shoulders, which almost bent him to the 
 ground. He was followed by a very comely personage in 
 embroidery, who bowed to him every three steps, and begged 
 that he might ease him of that burthen, which he promised 
 to deliver to him again at the palace gate. This, however, 
 the other refused ; and I heard him say, " My lord, this bur- 
 then is not so heavy as you imagine, nor is it my own, where- 
 fore I can by no means trust it from my shoulders, to which 
 it is indeed so fast sewed that it will be difficult to separate 
 them." This couple had no sooner past me, than there came 
 up a coach and pair, in which was a tall, thin man of a very 
 meagre aspect, who seemed in great haste, and was continu- 
 ally calling to his coachman to drive a pair of skeleton horses 
 as fast as he could. He had scarce reached me, when he was 
 overtaken by a very beautiful young lady on horseback, who 
 stopped his coach, and talked to him some time. I was near 
 enough to hear several amorous expressions, and a frequent 
 repetition of the words settlement and honourable design. 
 At last, the young lady alighted from her horse, and got into 
 the coach, which was immediately ordered to turn about, and 
 I observed drove back with much greater precipitancy than 
 it had advanced, so that it was soon out of sight. I now 
 resolved to lose no more time, but to hasten to the palace. 
 In my way thither I overtook several, and was overtaken by
 
 124 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 others; I could hear, as I passed, frequent mutterings of the 
 words poverty, undone; nor must I omit several melancholy 
 objects which appeared on the road, such as racks and gibbets, 
 on which were bestowed the bodies of several malefactors. I 
 saw, too, several who by overtravelling, without allowing 
 themselves time sufficiently to refresh themselves, fainted on 
 the journey, whose burthens were immediately taken up b}'' 
 others. Some of whom carried on towards the palace, and 
 others hurried them back again over the plain. For which 
 purposes, it was common enough to see an elderly person fol- 
 lowed by half a dozen people, who all waited to take up the 
 burthen, when he who carried it sunk under it; and some- 
 times I observed them quarrelling and disputing to whom it 
 belonged; which contests were rarely decided, till the whole 
 was torn to pieces. These pieces were usually gathered up 
 by two grave men in black gowns, with green bags in their 
 hands, who drove each of them a very large cart, into which 
 they loaded all the fragments. These gentlemen would often 
 wrangle very severely on those occasions, and dispute into 
 whose cart the said fragments should be put; but I observed 
 them always very good friends at the end of the contest, and 
 overheard an agreement between them to make an equal 
 division of the booty. Amongst the multitude of my fellow 
 travellers, I took particular notice of a very complaisant 
 person, who bowed, smiled, and whispered to every one he 
 passed by; upon which I saw several persons take from their 
 own burthens, and heap on him, till he became as heavy 
 laden as any on the road, though at first his sack appeared 
 quite empty. I was surprised to hear him tell a very ugly 
 fellow just before me, " That he was the most agreeable 
 figure he had ever seen, and that he knew a young lady who 
 was enamoured with his person to the last degree." Upon 
 his passing by me without taking any notice, though he had 
 been particularly civil to every one else : I was a little piqued, 
 till I considered it might possibly happen from my being 
 the only person there without a pack at my back. I had 
 scarcely taken my eyes from this object, when I beheld a 
 man in a full bottomed wig, who travelled with great speed,
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 135 
 
 and overthrew great numbers of people as he passed, several 
 of whom were unable to rise again. I was curious to inquire 
 who this person was ; and was informed that he was a physi- 
 cian in great vogue. 
 
 As I now approached very near to the palace, I observed 
 the crowd to thicken on me, which I at first wondered at, 
 but soon perceived it was occasioned by a great number of 
 persons who were denied entrance at the palace gates; where 
 I was informed no one could be admitted till his burthen 
 became of such a particular weight. It is impossible to de- 
 scribe the dejection which appeared in the faces of those who 
 were repelled; some few of these I observed to turn back 
 again, others to go off a little to a road which they told me 
 led to the Castle of Content : but the far greatest part imme- 
 diately applied themselves to filling up their bags by all 
 manner of means till they became weight. 
 
 Upon my arrival at the gates of the palace, which I was 
 now told was the Palace of Wealth, I was asked by the porter 
 in a hoarse voice, what was the name of him who had the 
 impudence to attempt entering there, without a packet on 
 his shoulders ; to which I confidently answered, that my name 
 was Nehemiah Vinegar. " How sir," said the porter, a little 
 mollified, "a relation to Captain Hercules Vinegar?" To 
 which I had no sooner answered in the affirmative, but the 
 doors were thrown wide open, and I was not a little pleased 
 to find the respect which is every where paid to the important 
 name of my formidable son. 
 
 The conclusion of this vision is in our next.
 
 136 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Saturday, December 29, 1739. 
 
 " "Non possidentem multa vocaveris 
 Recte beatum. Rectius occupat. 
 Nomen heati, qui deorum 
 Muneribus sapienter uti. 
 
 Duramque callet pauperiem pati," — HOBACE. 
 
 The continuation of the vision in our last. 
 
 At my first entrance into this vast palace, which was so 
 beautiful and resplendent without, I found myself in a vast 
 large hall, whose walls were all over adorned with the richest 
 ornaments in sculpture, paintings, precious stones, gold, and 
 silver; in short, every thing noble, rich, and magnificent; at 
 the upper end of which sat, on a throne infinitely more glori- 
 ous than those of the richest monarchs of the east, a very 
 beautiful young lady, whose person was set off with all the 
 nicety of art, and a vast profusion of shining ornaments. As 
 I attempted to approach the throne, I was interrupted by 
 one of her guards, who told me that none was ever suffered 
 to come beyond those steps, to which I was then advanced, 
 that the beautiful person whom I beheld was the goddess of 
 wealth, that I might feast my eyes as long as I pleased at 
 that distance; but that the goddess, who was a pure virgin, 
 and had never been enjoyed by any, never admitted the great- 
 est of her votaries to approach nearer. As I was admiring 
 the profound solemnity of the place, and the great distance 
 at which the deity kept all her attendants, I observed several 
 of those, whom I had before seen without the palace, to enter 
 the hall, and having paid their respects to the goddess, to 
 pass on to other apartments. My curiosity soon persuaded 
 me to follow them, and they led me into a vast gallery, which 
 surrounded a huge pit so vastly deep;, that it almost made 
 me giddy to look to the bottom. This, as I afterwards found, 
 was the cave of poverty. There were very high and strong 
 rails, which prevented any possibility of the spectator's fall- 
 ing from the gallery to the bottom of the cave, and yet I
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 127 
 
 observed a great tremor and paleness to seize every one who 
 durst venture to cast their eyes downwards; notwithstanding 
 which, it was very remarkable, that not one of the company 
 could prevail on himself to abstain from surveying the abyss, 
 I had not been here long, when I perceived an old gentleman, 
 whose face I thought I had somewhere seen before, to raise 
 himself with great agility to the top of the rail, whence en- 
 deavouring to lay hold on something a little out of his reach, 
 it gave way, and he tumbled down backwards into the cave. 
 Not long after, I saw a very grave man, standing on the top 
 of the rail, attempting to lift others up, whose packs he had 
 before received, tumbling down into the cave, and pulling 
 all those whom he had laid his hands on down with him. 
 Upon this I heard several mutter to themselves, " Ay, ay, I 
 warrant he will not hurt himself, we shall see him soon 
 again ; " and indeed, I soon perceived they were in the right, 
 for I shortly after found him in the gallery, looking much 
 fresher and plumper than before; though the same did not, 
 as I saw, happen to any of those whom he pulled dovm with 
 him. This made me instantly conceive, that there was some 
 very easy way of ascent from the bottom of this deep cave 
 to the gallery whereon I stood. But I was soon delivered 
 from this error, and informed, that from the bottom of the 
 cave it was almost impossible for any one to ascend again, 
 but that there was a resting-place in the descent, from whence 
 issued a pair of private stairs up to the gallery; that the 
 gentleman I had observed to fall, had a very particular knack 
 of lighting on this place, this being the third time he had 
 performed in this manner ; and that he was so far from being 
 hurt, that he grew visibly more lusty from each fall. This 
 feat of agility, they informed me was called breaking. I had 
 scarce taken my eyes from this object, when one whom I had 
 before observed to look with great horror in the cave, fell 
 backwards into the gallery and expired, as I was afterwards 
 told, with mere dread of tumbling down. I likewise learnt 
 this to be no uncommon fate here, and indeed I heard, with 
 great contempt of their extreme cowardice, the lamentations 
 which the far greater part of the company continually made
 
 128 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 of their apprehension of falling, where there was not the least 
 danger. Several told me, " Oh ! sir, if I could but get to that 
 place of safety yonder, I should be easy, I should be content." 
 Some of whom ventured and enjoyed their wish, but were 
 still as uneasy and terrified as before, still climbing to places 
 which appeared to them of greater safety; some of these fell 
 back into the gallery, and others into the cave. While I 
 stood thus amazed with the great magnificence and beauty 
 of the building, and the meagre aspects and wretched appear- 
 ances of its inhabitants, most of whom were little better 
 dressed than beggars; I was alarmed with a very loud laugh 
 ascending from the cave, upon which casting my eyes down- 
 wards, I could just perceive, by the dim light of a very small 
 candle, several persons dancing to the sound of a scraping 
 fiddle; and not far from them, a set of the merriest counten- 
 ances I had ever seen, sitting round a table, and feeding, as 
 appeared, very heartily on some dish, which I could not at 
 that great distance distinguish. I could, however, very 
 plainly discern there was no more than one dish on the table. 
 This sight, together with the tedious time, as it seemed to me, 
 which I had spent in no very agreeable company, made me 
 ask one who stood near me, if he could procure any thing to 
 eat. He answered, that he would have been glad of my com- 
 pany to dinner, but that he had at that time nothing worth 
 asking me to; his family being so very small, that they were 
 two days in consuming one joint of meat, and that he was 
 to make his repast on the relics of yesterday. Upon my 
 afterwards applying to a second and a third, I received ex- 
 cuses of much the same nature; my hunger at length grow- 
 ing very powerful, I endeavoured to lay hold on a small piece 
 of bread, which I saw in a window near me, when the owner 
 caught it from me with such violence, that the surprise 
 waked me, and delivered me from a place which appeared to 
 me the most miserable I had ever been in. 
 
 As soon as I came to myself, I could not avoid some re- 
 flections on my vision, which may possibly arise in the minds 
 of most of my readers. It appeared to me, that wealth is of 
 all worldly blessings the most imaginary; that avarice is at
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 129 
 
 once the greatest tyrant, and the greatest object of compas- 
 sion; and that the acquisition of over-grown fortunes, seldom, 
 brings the acquirer more, than the care of preserving them, 
 and the fear of losing them. 
 
 Saturday, December 29, 1739. 
 To THE Champion. 
 
 Sir, — From the present exorbitant price of tickets in the 
 lottery, which is now advanced to £7, tho' their value is very 
 little, if any thing, higher than at first: I think we may 
 draw these just conclusions. First that the people are ex- 
 tremely silly; and secondly, that they are extremely poor. 
 
 I shall not carry this melancholly speculation farther, and 
 consider the consequences which a politician may suggest 
 from this reflection; nor shall there animadvert on the tend- 
 ency of lotteries in general; but I must observe the late act 
 for suppressing of gaming — and a future to make that more 
 effectual, will be still deficient, while a few harpies have a 
 liberty left them of preying in this manner, on the necessi- 
 ties and follies of the people. 
 
 What will it avail to shut up the shops of the Christian 
 dealers at pharaoh and basset, or, the operators at hazard 
 and passage; while a way remains open to a set of Jews to 
 plunder thousands, in this public and outrageous manner. 
 
 If we should therefore have any more lotteries, as no doubt 
 we shall, would it not be advisable, by some restrictive clause, 
 to confine the price of tickets, that since this is the only 
 lawful method of gaming left, and will be consequently em- 
 braced with great greediness, it may not be in the power of 
 such vultures to draw in thoughtless and simple people to 
 their ruin. 
 
 I shall hope to see this clause, unless some projector can 
 prove that there is material difference between a man's being 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 9
 
 130 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 ruined by one sort of gaming and another; or, that is of 
 worse consequence, that he should be cheated in Covent Gar- 
 den then in Exchange Alley. I am yours &c., 
 
 PUBLICUS. 
 
 Tuesday, Jariuary 1, 1739-40. 
 -" Audetque viris eoncurrere virgo." — Virgil. 
 
 Nothing, in my opinion, deserves more the present atten- 
 tion of the public, than that paper war which hath lately 
 broke out between the two sexes. This storm hath been long 
 brooding in these northern parts, and is at length burst into 
 an open rupture. How fatal the consequence of this must 
 be, unless immediately put a stop to, cannot be doubted; 
 since not a petty island, or a kingdom's fate, is to be deter- 
 mined; but an entire dissolution of the world, a sudden 
 period to the race of mankind, are threatened thereby. 
 
 Thinking men have long since seen these clouds gathering 
 at a distance, even as long ago as that notorious insult made 
 on the fair part of the species, by the detachment of a small 
 party of books into the world, under the name of None but 
 Fools Marry; or, The Bachelor's Estimate. This was such 
 a provocation, that the whole world, at that time, were 
 greatly surprised to see it pass over in silence. However, as 
 it hath been observed, that the greatest heroes are the back- 
 wardest to revenge, the ladies treated this effort with scorn 
 and contempt; and indeed they seemed to have some reason 
 for their conduct : for, in a very short time, a pestilential 
 distemper, called the moths, (occasioned, I have heard, by 
 too much repose on the bookseller's shelf) began to rage 
 among the said books, which in a very short time destroyed 
 them all. 
 
 These had not disappeared long, before a second body, 
 under the command of a parson, or at least one in a parson's 
 habit, began their march, or (to talk a little more intelli-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 131 
 
 gibly) made their appearance in a sermon, called, " Keasons 
 against Coition," on this text : " It were good for a man 
 not to touch a woman. Art thou loosed from a wife, seek 
 not a wife." Said to be delivered before a private congrega- 
 tion, by the Rev. , chaplain to the Earl of , 
 
 where 'tis remarkable, that the patron, the parson, and the 
 congregation, took great care (as they had great reason) to 
 conceal themselves. This was such a striking at the root, 
 such a bare-faced, impudent affront to the whole sex, and in 
 so tender a part, that no one could believe they would be 
 passive any longer. However, contrary to the opinions of 
 the wisest and most learned politicians, they yet maintained 
 their former silence and contempt, and had the pleasure to 
 see this second body share the fate of the former, and soon 
 sink into neglect and oblivion. 
 
 Whether this long forbearance in the ladies arose from that 
 timorous disposition, which they will not be offended at my 
 ascribing to them, or whether it be a maxim in female poli- 
 tics, that gentle methods are the wisest, and most properly 
 applied to an insolent enemy, I will not determine. Certain 
 it is, that this pacific conduct, far from mollifying, served 
 only to encourage the enemy, who now threw off the mask 
 entirely, and sent forth a pamphlet, declaring at once, in a 
 very plain and magisterial manner, that " Man was superior 
 to woman." 
 
 The absurdity of this declaration shocked many even of 
 the male kind, but raised a universal uproar among the fe- 
 males. They now found they had stifled their resentment 
 too long; a general cry began among them (as that of the 
 Church formerly) that the " Sex was in danger." Flam- 
 beaux were lighted, chairs called, horses put to, and every 
 thing transacted as in times of the greatest calamity. A 
 great assembly was held at Lady Townley's, where the elo- 
 quent Belinda spoke in the following manner. 
 
 "My Dears, — I am very glad to see so much good com- 
 pany assemhled together, though I believe every lady here is 
 extremely shocked at the occasion. I cannot sufficiently com-
 
 132 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 mend the silent scorn with which you have all treated those 
 infamous pamphlets that were written, concerning what I 
 will not name, and for which we have all so perfect a con- 
 tempt. Odious thing! (at which words a general elevation 
 of fans ensued), no, my dears, such stuff (as it must have 
 come only from some worn-out beau, or disappointed wretch) 
 would have been beneath our notice; but when a point, on 
 which the liberty of the sex depends, which we have so 
 nobly defended at the expense of our breath, our sighs, our 
 tears, our fits, and whatsoever else is near and dear to us, 
 when this point is not only brought again on the carpet, but 
 the creatures have the confidence (I'll assure them) to as- 
 sert that superiority over us as a matter of right and cer- 
 tainty, which we have been hitherto so far from giving up, 
 that it hath been always yielded to us both in public and 
 private contests, I repeat (and so did all the company), 
 when this is the case, our longer forbearance would be as 
 worthy of reproach, as hitherto it hath been of commenda- 
 tion. Let it not terrify us, that they take an opportunity of 
 defying us, while they have a vast fleet and a vast army at 
 their command. As to their fleet, great part of it is gone 
 we know not where, and for their army most of the chief 
 officers being fine gentlemen, and pretty fellows, will be at 
 our devotion; but were they not, why should we fear them? 
 Did not the great Thomyris beat the victorious Persians? 
 Boadicea the Eomans? and Joan of Orleans the English? 
 
 " And shall we fear an army, which cannot well have con- 
 quered any enemy yet, for it hath seen none, but ourselves, 
 from whom they seldom come off victorious in any of their 
 encounters ? No, surely : for what have they terrifying about 
 them? Nothing, but their dress; and that we have long 
 rivalled them in : nay, at the same time, that we have mounted 
 our horses in male apparel, with fierce-cocked hats, they have 
 curled tbeir hair, and spread their skirts in imitation of hoop- 
 petticoats ; so that, perhaps, the appearance of fierceness, if it 
 has any weight, is on our side. I fear I seem too long, my 
 dears, in arguing on- a supposition ridiculous in itself ; for I 
 doubt not, but we shall shortly see our army employed in more
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 133 
 
 glorious wars, and all the fears of malcontents shown to be 
 absurd and groundless. However, we cannot be too watchful, 
 too jealous of our liberty, and, as a pendulum, the higher it 
 is lifted on one side, the farther it flies back on the other ; so 
 let these attempts on our privileges, drive us not only to de- 
 fend ourselves from future, but to recover past encroach- 
 ments. Let us consider not only what power we now enjoy, 
 but what we ought to enjoy. And here, my dears, to omit 
 the odious preference in inheritance, which the law gives to 
 sons before daughters, nothing surely was ever equal to their 
 treatment of married women, who are in a manner an- 
 nihilated, and considered as mere nonentities absolutely suh 
 possete ^ viri, under the absolute power of the husband (at 
 which there was a great laugh). Now, whence can this arise, 
 but from our being the only part of this kingdom, who are 
 bound by laws, without giving our assent to them ? A cobbler 
 is represented in the legislature, but a duchess is not. This 
 is the evil, and this is the cause; where then is the remedy? 
 
 Wliy truly, by convening an assembly, or convocation, 
 
 or parliament of women, which may enact such laws as may 
 be necessary for the better governance of our affairs, and 
 have a watchful eye over all encroachments made on any of 
 our rights and privileges, by the he-part of the creation. I 
 therefore move it to this good company, that such an assembly 
 of women be immediately called together." 
 
 Belinda ceased, and a debate immediately arose on the 
 election, but as they all spake together, it was impossible to 
 know their several opinions, and consequently to come to any 
 fixt resolution: for which reason, after much time spent in 
 talking, they adjourned till Saturday next, at ten o'clock in 
 the evening. 
 
 * Potestate, I suppose is intended.
 
 134 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Thursday^ January 3, 1739-40. 
 
 ' Pugnacem sciret sapiente minorem 
 
 Esse, nee indomitce deberi prcemia dextrae." — Ovid. 
 
 There are certain qualities, which, notwithstanding the 
 admiration of the world hath been pleased to allow them, 
 are, in themselves, quite indifferent, and may enable a man 
 to be either virtuous or vicious, according to the manner in 
 which they are exerted; or, to speak more philosophically, 
 according to the other qualities with which they are blended in 
 the mind. Valour and wit in a good-natured man are truly 
 amiable, and justly entitle him to the esteem of mankind; 
 but, when they meet with a different disposition, only render 
 the possessor capable of doing greater mischief, and make 
 him a more dangerous enemy to society than he could other- 
 wise have been. 
 
 Those who would rank valour among the cardinal virtues, 
 will often find themselves obliged to give the title of virtuous 
 to the vilest and most depraved of men. The greatest 
 tyrants, murderers, and robbers upon earth, have been pos- 
 sessed of this quality, and some of them in an eminent de- 
 gree. The devil, as he is described in Milton, appears to be 
 the bravest spirit in the universe. 
 
 Nor, shall we do righter in giving too hasty commendation 
 to wit, without having due regard to the manner in which it 
 is eserted. When religion, virtue, honour, modesty or in- 
 nocence, are attacked by this weapon, it becomes a sword in 
 a madman's hand, and, instead of deserving our praise, is 
 really an object of utter detestation and horror. 
 
 And yet, as clear a truth as this may seem, the practice of 
 the world is notoriously against it. Whoever frequents the 
 execution of malefactors, must have observed, that such as die 
 with bravery and intrepidity never fail of meeting pity, and 
 even some degree of esteem among the spectators. Whereas, 
 the contrary behaviour would on those occasions be much more 
 decent and commendable. It is very well known, that the
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 135 
 
 nian who will receive no injury, is by the generality of man- 
 kind much more highly esteemed than the man who will do 
 none ; nor have I seldom seen in the world, men of the loosest 
 and vilest principles, whose actions have sufficiently showed 
 that their hearts were void of all manner of virtue, by this 
 quality alone recommend themselves to the favour and aSec- 
 tion of their acquaintance. 
 
 The ladies, whose voice hath no inconsiderable weight in 
 our constitution, universally declare on the side of valour. 
 Their great passion for this quality visibly appears in that 
 preference which they always give to a military lover. I have 
 also observed on our theatres, that the intrepidity of Lothario 
 and Morat gained Mr. Booth no small number of fair ad- 
 mirers, notwithstanding all the vices with which those char- 
 acters are drawn. The celebrated Macheath from his reso- 
 lution only, is known to have been so great a favourite with 
 our countrywomen, that the picture of the person that repre- 
 sented him, had the honour to hang in the chambers of some 
 of our greatest beauties. The comic poets seem so sensible 
 of this, that the hero, who is, in the last act, to be rewarded 
 with the fine lady of the play, is generally set out with no 
 other good quality. 
 
 Wit, though the character of it be held of infinitely less ^' 
 value than the other, is however generally commended, with- 
 out any regard to the uses whereto it is applied. Religion 
 hath of late years been the subject of much wit and ridicule, 
 and that in writing as well as discourse. Virtue and true 
 honour have suffered the same insults from this unruly 
 weapon. Nothing affords so frequent triumph to wit as 
 modesty. It is common to see a man of worth, by being 
 possessed of this quality, made ridiculous and uneasy in com- 
 pany, by the jests and sneers of an impudent witty fellow. 
 I have often heard it said, " It is true, indeed, Mr. Such-a-one 
 has a great deal of ill-nature, but I easily forgive it him, for 
 he has a vast deal of wit." 
 
 For my part, when I hear a man called a witty or a brave 
 man, I entertain neither a good nor bad opinion of him from 
 such appellation. Catiline and Thersites were possessed of
 
 136 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 these qualities. But when the defence of one's country, or 
 /■ friend, hath flowed from valour; or when wit hath been used, 
 like that of Addison or Steele, to joropagate virtue and mor- 
 ality; when, like that of Swift, to expose vice and folly; it is 
 then only, that these become commendable, and truly worthy 
 of our praise and admiration. 
 
 I do not know a better general definition of virtue, than 
 n' that it is a delight in doing good; how far, therefore, must 
 they come short of deserving that admiration which is due 
 to virtue alone, who are only possessed of qualities that 
 enable them to prove hurtful and prejudicial to man- 
 kind. 
 
 I have often considered, with some pleasure, what a great 
 benefit it hath been to the world, that nature, when she was 
 so exceeding liberal of these commonly supposed excellences 
 to my ancestors, took so much care to infuse with them such 
 a profusion of humanity and benevolence, as have distin- 
 guished themselves in the several heroes of our family. What 
 a curse must our great wit and resolution, our vast strength 
 both of body and mind have been, had they, instead of the 
 purest and warmest philantbropy, been grafted on ill-nature 
 and cruelty? What a destructive wolf, must the mighty 
 Hercules have proved in society, had he possessed any of 
 those vile and pernicious qualities, which infested the hearts 
 of those tyrants and monsters whom he destroyed? 
 
 Thursday^ January 3, 1739-40. 
 
 To THE Champion. 
 
 SiEj — I do not know how you can give your readers a better 
 idea of the present adventures in lottery, than by inserting 
 the following letter sent by a footman in this town, to a 
 mistress of his in the country.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 137 
 
 To Mrs. Ealce Paretree^ living with Squire Boofer, at 
 Hoge Morton in Somersetshire. 
 
 Dere Ealce. 
 
 Hopping that you are "vrel as I ham at present rit in, this 
 cum for to let you no that Mr. Fifa the Aturney wass mis- 
 takum about the lutturi, when he zad that it was dree to one, 
 but that we lost our muny because that were dree blaunks to 
 a priaze. Now, I have vound out a man that sells all praizes 
 and no blaunks and I are boght twenty vortieth pearte of 
 twenty tickets and one may get by one £250 — so that by the 
 whol one may get £5000, vor I ave cast it up bat mayhaps 
 zum o'um may not cum up, zu great praize, that it may not 
 hapen bee above half so much. Nu body can tell yet, how- 
 sumdever, I would ave you enquaire of Mr, Fifa whether that 
 little varm be zuold yet or nu, vor I must ave verri bade lock 
 if I dunt get enuff to bi that. Nu body can tell yet. Tom 
 Wilson has a vorthieth peart of ten pounds and he swears he 
 is out of pucket but you nu Dere Ealce there be zum volk that 
 wul never be contented. Meary Beams and Joan Haycock 
 had a whul ticket betwixt um and thic is cum up a blaunk, 
 but they did unt bi un of the seam man as I dud. I wish you 
 a mery Christmas and a happy new yere, and a grete manny. 
 I wuld zend you zumthing to remember me but I has lade 
 out all that I ham worth in the lutturi and vorced to zell 
 mi zilver wash in the bargin. Dunt vere my dere Ealce that 
 muny shall ever meake me valse-hearted, vor if I get the two 
 ten thousand pound, and two dree vive thousand, and the two 
 dree thousand, and dree two thousand, and that I have bin 
 tuld nut impossible. Dunt mean the whul ticket but vortieth 
 peart a um. I give it ale to thee ; vor if I wass to be meade 
 the gratest squaire in ale the wurld, I shuld never be hapy 
 without my dere Ealce. Zu with zarvice to ale my frinds 
 and love to brother Joo and Zister Betty and Veather, I rest 
 my dere Ealce's true lover till death. JoHif Bulluck. 
 
 Posescrip. 
 
 As zun as I gut but o' the ten thousand pounds I intend to 
 give measter varning.
 
 138 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Saturday, January 5, 1739-40, 
 " Dein fustibus." — Hobace. 
 
 Among the sciences (of all which, I thank heaven, I am 
 entirely ignorant) I have been always the greatest enemy to 
 the metaphysics. A science I cannot help imagining to have 
 been invented with a design rather to puzzle and darken 
 truth, than to explain and enlighten it. 
 
 There is no word in the English language, for which I have 
 so great a contempt as for the word reasoning, which my son 
 Oliver informs me is much used in the metaphysics; nay, is 
 indeed its very being. I have always looked on this sort of 
 contention, as mean and unmanly, and have therefore, on all 
 occasions, chose to decide my disputes by the argumentum 
 haculinum. 
 
 It is not without great pleasure, that I observe our young 
 nobility and gentry, at present, choose rather to frequent those 
 academies for their education where this argument prevails 
 (I mean the amphitheatres), than the sophistical schools of 
 the universities, where men are taught to defend the whimsical 
 systems of philosophers, but not their own persons or purses. 
 
 The ancient method of proving truth by combat in known 
 use among our ancestors, was a way of arguing truly worthy 
 a brave and warlike people, who chose rather to spend their 
 blood than their breath, in defence of their assertions. 
 Whence this manner of trial was originally derived is not easy 
 to determine, but it seems to be as ancient as the state of na- 
 ture, when wild men and wild beasts lived together. It still 
 subsists among the lower rank, such who have least degen- 
 erated from that state, with whom it is at present no more 
 than a word and a blow. Nor hath it been ever so much laid 
 aside among the politer sort, but that, when propositions have 
 been flatly denied, by the assertion of a little negative mono- 
 syllable which gives great offence to military ears, it hath 
 been always esteemed, among men of honour, as the only 
 method proper to convince an obstinate antagonist.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 139 
 
 It must also appear to the reputation of the hacuUnum 
 argiimentum, that it hath been always the favourite of princes : 
 the titles of the greatest potentates of the world have been 
 decided by it. And when the reasonings of commissaries and 
 plenipotentiaries have been found ineffectual to the conviction 
 of either party, this argument hath in a short time, put the 
 most intricate matters beyond all possibility of dispute : nor 
 is this used by absolute princes amongst each other only, it 
 also serves very commodiously to settle certain difficult points, 
 which sometimes arise between them and their own subjects; 
 when any claims have been laid to liberty or property, or 
 clamours raised against oppression and such ridiculous things, 
 an application to the argumentum hacuUnum hath imme- 
 diately quieted all doubts, and given perfect satisfaction in 
 the most perplexing cases. 
 
 I have often heard, with the utmost contempt, an insinua- 
 tion that law is built on reason ; whereas, it is plain, that, M^as 
 you to withdraw this mighty argument, all the reason in the 
 world would not be able to support it. On which account, 
 the wisest lawgivers have always subjoined this as the last 
 and surest method of convincing stubborn minds. 
 
 I might add, that this is the most general, as well as most 
 speedy method of conviction. It instructs the dullest, as 
 soon as the quickest capacity. Indeed there are some persons 
 who are to be argued with in no other manner, of whom it is 
 generally said. You must have every thing beat into you. 
 This those excellent reasoners, the authors of the Gazetteer, 
 are so sensible of, that after an infinite deal of paper wasted 
 to prove the necessity and usefulness of the present army, 
 they have been observed at last to declare to their antagonists, 
 that if they will be still deaf to their arguments, they shall 
 be shortly compelled to resort to the pillory and cart's tail. 
 The latter of which is, I apprehend, a species of the argu- 
 mentum hacuUnum, which hath not been used in politics since 
 the reign of James II. 
 
 If to silence an antagonist be any praise to a disputant, I 
 am sure the knock-down argument hath the greatest pretence 
 to it. Alexander and Nero more effectually silenced their
 
 140 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 opposers than Aristotle or Seneca; and, notwithstanding the 
 great honour which the peripatetic schools so long paid to 
 the ipse dixit of Aristotle, I am mightily deceived if that of 
 Alexander had not once a much greater sway: I fancy we 
 shall be puzzled to account for that mighty respect which 
 most countries in Europe pay to that enforcing form of words 
 at the end of an edict, " For such is our pleasure," without 
 considering it to be always backed with the argumentum 
 haculinum. 
 
 Having thus shown the antiquity, the dignity, and the 
 efficacy of this argument, I sball proceed to mention some few 
 (out of the many) good consequences which will arise from 
 a frequent or constant use thereof. 
 
 First, this is the fairest way of reasoning, as it is equally 
 adapted to all capacities. 
 
 Secondly, It is the only argument a very large part of 
 mankind are any wise susceptible of, it being impossible to 
 convey truth to several sturdy understandings in any other 
 manner, than by beating it into them. 
 
 Thirdty, I conceive this will be the likeliest means that 
 can possibly be invented to make all men of one mind, to 
 which all other methods of arguing have been so far from 
 conducing, that they seem rather to have propagated and 
 established differences in opinion. 
 
 Lastly, as reason is not always on the side of power, and 
 is of no consequence when against it, but to raise the indig- 
 nation of the wiser part of the people, by letting them see 
 their misery without being able to help themselves; and con- 
 sequently, to aggravate their grief; now the argumentum 
 haculinum., on the contrary, will always stick close to that 
 party which is uppermost; and, being properly handled by 
 them, will not fail soon to remove all rancour and uneasi- 
 ness in the multitude, and bring them without murmuring to 
 submit to whatever burthen their betters shall, in their great 
 wisdom, think fit to lay upon them. I know it will be 
 answered, that such heart-burnings and grumbling are of no 
 consequence, but are thoroughly laughed at and contemned 
 by all great men. To wliich I reply, I am not writing in
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 141 
 
 favour of the powers, but of the people of tlio universe, whom 
 I should rather see well threshed, than gulled, or tricked, and 
 cheated, and laughed out of their liljerties. I might add, 
 that this would utterly render the argumentum pecuniarium 
 useless, which may sometimes be called in to the assistance 
 of reason; nay, and perhaps, dealt forth under her name: 
 whereas, the argumentum haculinum is of itself sufficient, 
 scorning all other support; nor do I believe, that any 
 person (unless the Gazetteers) ever attempted to defend it by 
 reason. 
 
 For my part, I can foresee but one objection which can 
 possibly be made to this scheme; namely, that the duties 
 arising from the Stamp Office will be considerably lessened. 
 This may be obviated two ways, either by advancing a round 
 sum in lieu of those duties, or by suffering no person to 
 make use of such argumentation, without being supplied with 
 a head from the Government : for which purpose, a very large 
 parcel of carved, wooden heads may be provided, which being 
 joined on to proper sticks, may be dispersed through the 
 several nations of Europe, in what quantities the several per- 
 sons in power shall think fit. 
 
 I should not have recommended this way of arguing so 
 strenuously, had not I seen the excellence of it in my own 
 family; in which, very violent disputes were wont formerly 
 to arise, tending only, as I observed, to create animosities 
 between the parties, who, on these occasions, always departed 
 more confirmed in their own opinions; on which account, I 
 introduced this argument, and have been often obliged to 
 apply it with great force on both sides the question: but, at 
 present, my whole family are so perfectly well acquainted 
 with its weight, that, the warmest dispute, on whatever sub- 
 ject, or however far advanced, on my bare pointing to the 
 argument, which I have formerly informed my reader hangs 
 over my chimney-piece, ceases in an instant, every thing sub- 
 siding and being hushed, as the tempest in the first ^neid 
 at the voice of Neptune.
 
 142 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Tuesday, January S, 1739-40. 
 
 " Unum pro tnultis dabitur caput." — Viegil. 
 
 His Majesty having been pleased to set apart to-morrow 
 as a day of solemn fast, in order to implore the blessings 
 of Heaven on the British arms: I have thought it becoming 
 me, as a good Englishman, to throw in my mite, and dedicate 
 a paper to the same cause; in which I shall cautiously 
 avoid the least stroke of wit or humour, it being far from 
 my intention to give any thing savoury to my readers on 
 this occasion. I shall, therefore, in a very dry manner, en- 
 deavour to instruct the people how to execute their duty 
 rightly at this season, and render his majesty's pious intention 
 as effectual as possible : for I would by no means have them 
 think that they have discharged themselves towards their 
 country when they have barely fasted for it, which perhaps 
 many of us may, at present, find much more easy than to eat 
 for it. 
 
 It is something difficult, from natural reason only, to ac- 
 count for the merit of abstaining from the moderate use of 
 those good things which the Almighty bounty hath bestowed 
 on us: and accordingly among those unenlightened nations, 
 who walked only by the law of nature, without the assistance 
 of revelation, we meet with no such practice; and therefore, 
 the learned Mr. Boughton, in his excellent historical diction- 
 ary, lately published ; when he says, " Such solemnities have 
 been observed in all nations ; " is not to be understood strictly 
 of fasting, but of sacrifice and atonement for crimes, of which 
 we meet numberless instances in profane, as well as sacred 
 writers. 
 
 *' The earliest account of fasting," says that gentleman, 
 " properly so called, was on the solemn day of expiation in- 
 stituted by IMoses, who yet," says he, " enjoined no other fast." 
 Nor indeed do I find any express order for fasting in the 
 text, on which this solemnity was founded; the words are 
 these, "Also on the tenth day of this seventh month there
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 143 
 
 shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation 
 unto you, and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering 
 made by fire unto the Lord." However, as the inspired in- 
 terpreter thought proper to constitute fasting as one of the 
 ceremonies on that day, this particular manner of atonement 
 was not only continued on a yearly celebration of the tenth 
 of the month Tisri, but was likewise practised on many oc- 
 casions both public and private, and became an essential part 
 of the Jewish religion; whence it was afterwards received 
 into the Christian, and hath been since stolen by Mahomet, 
 and interwoven with his impostures. 
 
 But whatever idea later ages may have annexed to this 
 atonement, it was certainly intended by Moses as a mode only 
 of that affliction of soul, which was expressly commanded 
 in the text cited above; now, in tliis light, it may be con- 
 sidered as a species of that general custom of expiation or 
 atonement in times of public calamity, which (as Mr. Brough- 
 ton observes) hath been common to all ages and nations. 
 
 Whoever considers it in this view; namely, as a means to 
 afflict the mind, cannot, I think, easily imagine that this duty 
 consists merely in abstinence from beef and mutton, or any 
 other flesh, while they riot in all the delicacies which fish and 
 vegetables can afford them; no, though they should give an 
 entire holidav to the cooks, and refuse all manner of sus- 
 tenance, during twenty-four hours, I would not have them 
 hope such abstinence will be acceptable, unless it be accom- 
 panied with minds truly and thoroughly afflicted; for other- 
 wise they will have no more merit than the ostentatious 
 Pharisee in the Gospel, to whom (though he fasted twice a 
 week) the sincere Publican was preferred. 
 
 To afflict the mind, then, being our duty on this occasion, 
 every thing which conduces to this end will be properly pur- 
 sued by all. And though abstinence, even from delicacies, 
 may in this luxurious age be a considerable mortification to 
 those of a higher degree, yet it is by no means sufficient. 
 Every manner of mortification must be practised, in order 
 to render our minds perfectly afflicted. Such particular 
 methods therefore as occur to me, I will here set down, and
 
 144 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 leave it to every individual reader to supply as many more 
 as lie can suggest to himself. 
 
 It hath, in the first place, been customary in all nations, 
 in times of public calamity, to manifest the affliction of the 
 mind by outward dress and behaviour. The Jews carried it 
 so far, "that even their finest ladies drest themselves in sack- 
 cloth, and carried ashes on their heads at these seasons. These 
 were acts of humility, which I should be glad to see imitated 
 by our women of quality. How beautiful would they ap- 
 pear in this deshabille! How much to their honour would 
 redound a procession of ladies of distinction to the several 
 churches, in robes of sackcloth, with ashes on their head ! but 
 if they decline this extraordinary act of zeal, at least, I hope, 
 no silver, nor gold, nor jewels will be worn on this day. 
 
 A total forbearance of all diversions will be likewise in- 
 sisted on, not only of public entertainments, which will not 
 be permitted by the Government, but all private parties, as 
 cards, dancing, or any other merriment. The practice of such 
 virtues, as are most disagreeable to polite dispositions, as it 
 must tend towards mortification, will be certainly very proper. 
 As first. Honesty. I earnestly recommend to all persons 
 (particularly to such as are very able and very unwilling) 
 immediately on the sight hereof, to discharge all such debts 
 as have been long due, and which they may perhaps have 
 it in their power to withhold from the poor tradesman till 
 he is undone. Secondly, Charity. I apprehend, in this time 
 of scarcity and stagnation of trade, when the excessive prices 
 of all the necessaries of life, added to the extreme poverty 
 of the people, fill our streets and newspapers with numberless 
 instances of want and misery, at such a time, I say, it 
 would be as meritorious in the few amongst us, who have 
 wealth, to relieve the poor from their long fast, as to fast 
 themselves. Thirdly, Justice, I do not here mean the exact 
 distribution of meum and tiLum, already mentioned under the 
 name of honesty; but that justice in a civil society, which 
 requires that every man should be rewarded and punished 
 according to the laws of his country. 
 
 This virtue may, perhaps, be understood to belong only to
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 145 
 
 those few who act in a magisterial or judicial capacity; 
 whereas, the truth is indeed far otherwise, and this justice 
 may be practised by every private man: but as my notion 
 may appear, at first, somewhat too refined to the corrupt eye 
 of the present age, I will endeavour to explain it in as clear 
 a manner as I am able. 
 
 It hath likewise been customary to all nations, in times of 
 public calamity, or after some high offence committed by any 
 of their great men, to make use of some atonement or ex- 
 piation, in order to avert the anger of the gods, which, when 
 kindled by human wickedness, they thought was only to be 
 melted into pity by human sufferings. The gods were there- 
 fore to be appeased by a sacrifice; no matter whether of the 
 person guilty or no, provided it was one of some consequence, 
 and of the same family or race, or kingdom. Thus Iphigenia 
 was to suffer for the crime of her father, and the innocent 
 lives of Curtius and the Decii, were accepted as a propitiation 
 for their country. 
 
 Now, though the sacrifice of innocent blood for the re- 
 , demption of the guilty was an expiation adapted only to the 
 palates of the ridiculous, heathen deities, and must be abhorred 
 by the only true, great Ruler of the universe, who is a Being 
 of infinite justice; yet this same attribute, which must detest 
 the punishment of the innocent, must at the same time look 
 with satisfaction on that of the guilty; and therefore, these 
 lines of the tragic poet 
 
 " When by just vengeance guilty mortals perish, 
 The gods behold their punishment with pleasure, 
 And lay th' uplifted thunder-bolt aside," 
 
 found as well in the mouth of a Christian as of a 
 heathen. 
 
 I do, therefore, recommend this strict justice to all His 
 Majesty's subjects, and do earnestly entreat any person, who 
 in his own mind is convinced that he ought to be hanged, 
 though the law cannot reach him, to deliver himself imme- 
 diately into the hands of justice, that speedy and due 
 methods of execution may be taken. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 10
 
 146 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Was it not that I cautiously avoid (as much as possible) 
 quotations from Scripture, I could prove that such a sacrifice 
 as this would be truly acceptable to the Supreme Being. 
 This I am sure of, such an example, would, by human methods, 
 procure all imaginable success to our arms, and Britain, 
 should once more walk forth terrible among the nations. 
 
 How eagerly would such an opportunity have been em- 
 braced by an ancient Eoman ? of how little consideration would 
 such an action have appeared in the eyes of a Decius, a 
 Curtius, a Posthumus, a Eegulus, or any other of those heroes 
 who did, or were ready to sacrifice themselves as the victims 
 of Rome? If it be objected that this is not only death, but 
 death with shame: I answer, did not Horatius Codes pass 
 under the gallows, lest his country should pay the forfeiture 
 of his crime? It is not being hanged, but deserving to be 
 hanged, that is infamous; and it is more than probable, that, 
 if there be any such person as I have hinted at, his neigh- 
 bours know he deserves to be hanged, though they can't bring 
 it about : but was the death of never so infamous a nature, 
 which of those Eomans I have mentioned, instead of declin- 
 ing it, would not have cried out, 
 
 ' What a pity is it 
 
 We can be hanged but once to serve our country? 
 
 Thursday, January 10, 1739-40. 
 
 ' Quce non viribus istis 
 
 Munera conveniant." — Ovid's Metam. 
 
 I coxsiDER my paper as a sort of stage coach, a vehicle 
 in which every one hath a right to take a place. If any 
 letter therefore should hereafter appear in it, which may give 
 offence to particular persons, they can have no more anger 
 to me on that account, than they would show to the master 
 of a stage, who had brought their enemy to town. This I
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 147 
 
 assure them, if any thing be sent to me containing gross re- 
 flections on a private character, I shall always answer, My 
 paper is full. I likewise promise to observe a strict impar- 
 tiality, and to carry forth into the world the works of any 
 party, provided they are writ with decency and common sense. 
 This declaration will doubtless be a comfort to certain persons, 
 who may by these means have something read as well as writ 
 on their side: but if nothing of this kind should hereafter 
 appear in my paper, the public may possibly conclude noth- 
 ing can be said for them. 
 
 I know not how I can give the world livelier hopes of my 
 future impartiality, than by printing a very severe letter on 
 myself, which I have just received. 
 
 Captain Vinegar^ — I have read your late advertisement, 
 which you would do well to insert in your next collection of 
 puffs. I mean from the style only ; for I am far from doubt- 
 ing but you have met with opposition, nay, I declare I my- 
 self have been, and will still be your opposer; nor would I 
 have you flatter yourself, though I think you have sailed in 
 the teeth of opposition (as the poet terms it) to about No. 
 20, you will be able either by huffing or puffing to carry it 
 much farther. I would therefore advise you to lay down in 
 time, and if you think you shall be ashamed or afraid to show 
 your head afterwards, lest people should fall upon you for 
 your abuses in the course of your writings, even shoot the 
 pit, and march off as your betters have done before you. 
 
 .Who are you? What are you? that have set yourself up 
 for a dictator in this manner ? That you came from Hockley 
 in the Hole must be confest, and do you think your creeping 
 nearer the court will alter the manners of Hockley, into those 
 at St. James's; when it is notorious, that none but your old 
 Hockleyan acquaintance resort to you, fellows who were never 
 seen in a polite part of the town until your arrival there? 
 
 It is not, friend, as you would insinuate in your advertise- 
 ment, out of any private spleen or pique against you that 
 you are opposed; nor are your opposers such as desire them- 
 selves to establish the characters of authors, or set up a paper.
 
 148 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 1^0, friend, it is that you should not debauch nor corrupt the 
 taste and manners of the people, nor expose the character of 
 the English genius (hitherto famous) by your vile works. 
 It is from a contempt of your parts, from knowing you to be 
 utterly disqualified for the office you have taken upon you. 
 An office too great for any one man to execute, and which 
 hath formerly employed the best heads in the nations, such as 
 Addison, Steele, and many others. How ridiculous must it 
 seem then, to see a fellow of a low capacity, and a mean be- 
 haviour, investing himself with this office, placing his family 
 over all the professions, and shaking a club at the whole 
 nation. Have you really had the modesty to set up your 
 family as men of genius, and to dispose such parts of your 
 undertaking to their province as require great abilities? or 
 is your family as chimerical as your club, and you the only 
 person who is to dictate to the people? Have you taken on 
 yourself to domineer over all professions, as well as the army, 
 which you have with great modesty set yourself at the head 
 of? 
 
 Would it not have been wiser in you to have joined your 
 little forces with men of real capacity, to have disposed the 
 several parts in your undertaking to men of suitable qualifica- 
 tions? Thus to have given the political part of your paper 
 to such writers as those of the Craftsman and Common Sense. 
 The poetical, to Pope or Young, the critical to Bentley, and 
 so of the rest: I know you will, or at least, you may answer 
 that such writers as these will not appear in a paper, which 
 hath your name at the head of it. 
 
 As to your foreign affairs, no one who had ever the as- 
 surance to take upon him your office, hath executed this branch 
 in so wretched and bungling a manner. Insomuch, that the 
 whole town complain of your extreme ignorance, and are so 
 far from believing you to have any private correspondence 
 abroad, as you have insinuated, that they rather believe you 
 are unacquainted with even the geography of the several 
 countries. 
 
 Domestic matters are what you most shine, or, rather, are 
 least deficient, in. Yet here it is notorious, that you are the
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 149 
 
 greatest plunderer who ever dealt in them ; at the same time, 
 that you have the confidence to abuse all those from whom 
 you steal. I do, indeed, acknowledge you handle them in 
 a new manner; but I apprehend this will be little to your ad- 
 vantage, when it is confest that you have jumbled them to- 
 gether in such a confusion, that none of us know what to 
 rely on. What do you mean by your Journal of a War? 
 Do you think people will pay their money for such stuff? 
 If you go on with this journal in the manner you have begun 
 for one half year, what an idea must the whole raise in the 
 reader? Do you imagine any thing equal to it was ever pub- 
 lished in any language? Would you even aim at the appro- 
 bation of the public, tell us what our fleets are doing in 
 America, the Mediterranean, the Atlantic Ocean, or the Chan- 
 nel. Believe me, friend, unless you do something of this kind 
 shortly, we sliall all treat you with that contempt you de- 
 serve, and shall not be always amused with your accounts of 
 victualling ships and raising marines. Will any sober man 
 believe that such articles as these are the Journal of a War, 
 begun by the brave and great nation, at the unanimous re- 
 quest of the whole people, in vindication of their usurped 
 rights and revenge of the most inhuman, as well as insolent 
 behaviour, in her enemies; a war, the vigorous support of 
 which hath been resolved by the whole legislative power, and 
 begun by raising a strong army, and fitting out a fleet capable 
 of conquering all the maritime force on the whole globe; for 
 which the people, though labouring in the utmost poverty and 
 distress, are ready to contribute their last shilling : and lastly, 
 upon which his majesty hath thought fit to implore, in the 
 most solemn manner, the divine blessing. 
 
 Give me leave to ask you one serious question, Do you 
 really think the people of England have entirely lost their 
 understanding, or have worked up yourself into a belief that 
 they will bq terrified by the shaking of your club? If you 
 are persuaded of these things, be assured, you are mistaken; 
 let me, therefore, advise you either to leave off, or get some 
 good assistance, if such will consort themselves with you, and 
 accept of a share in the undertaking equal to your capacity;
 
 150 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 with the force of which, if you are not sufficiently acquainted, 
 give me leave to recommend the office of collecting the pufEs. 
 
 I am. 
 
 Your best friend, 
 
 Philalethes. 
 
 Saturday, January 12, 1739-40. 
 
 "Quid placet, out odio est, quod non mutahile credos?" — ^Hoeace. 
 
 Several words, in all languages, very harmless in them- 
 selves, have, with great injustice been wrested and perverted 
 to ill meanings, and, by long use and corruption, been brought 
 to convey ideas foreign to their original signification; such 
 was the Greek word for tyrant, which originally signified no 
 more than king; and such are in our language the words 
 knave, villain, &c., words which have been once used in a 
 much better sense than they at present enjoy. 
 
 The word turn-coat is an instance of this injustice. This 
 is a compound word, intended to express what we generally 
 call good housewifery. The Turn-coats were no others than 
 certain prudent persons, who, as soon as their coat was suf- 
 ficiently soiled on one side, were wont to order it to the right 
 about, and make a very handsome and decent figure with the 
 other side. 
 
 Hence this term became afterwards metaphorically applied 
 to those gentlemen, who, perhaps, from much the same reasons, 
 turned from one party to the other; changing their opinions, 
 as the other did their coats, to the very reverse of what they 
 formerly were. 
 
 But, however unhappy this word may be in the opinion 
 of the world, who are apt to express a very great detesta- 
 tion to it, I can by no means see any just cause for these 
 censures; on the contrarv, I think it hath a verv strong title 
 to those frugal honours which it originally received, and to 
 which I hope these my labours may again restore it. 
 
 It must be granted, that no man is so good a judge of the
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 151 
 
 true merits of a cause, as he who hath been on both sides of 
 it. It is not sufficient to say, that this knowledge may be 
 acquired by a strict examination into them : it is notorious, 
 that, while a man is attached to one party, he is always partial 
 in this inquiry ; nor is he indeed able to search to the bottom, 
 there being certain secrets at the bottom of all parties, whicli 
 no one discovers but to men of the same principles. So that, 
 throughly to understand which side of the question hath the 
 greatest right, it is perfectly necessary for a man to have de- 
 clared himself on both. 
 
 Besides, a man, who will rigidly adhere to one set of politic 
 principles, must sometimes unavoidably fall under the severest 
 censure of the law. What is loyalty in one reign, is high- 
 treason in the next. In James the Second's time, a man 
 would have been hanged for not doing, what in the next reign 
 he would have been hanged for doing. In the civil wars 
 between Charles I. and his Parliament, this was more notor- 
 ious. It was necessary then for any one who would sleep in 
 a whole skin, to change his party as often as his linen. 
 
 Eeproach, though fixed to the name of Turn-coat, is how- 
 ever often avoided by that practice. I knew a gentleman, 
 who, in his travels through Europe, was well received every 
 where, by having travelled through as many religions as he 
 did countries, and very wisely recommended himself when he 
 came home, by throwing off all. 
 
 Good fellowship ought to be cultivated every where, but 
 it will be impossible for any gentleman to live in any tolerable 
 share of it with his neighbours, without this virtue. He must 
 be with one of his neighbours a Whig, with the other a Tory. 
 Indeed, this is only to be done by men moderate in their 
 principles, and will be by no means practicable to such as 
 have signalised themselves very particularly on either side. 
 Such men, whenever the majority is on the opposite side to 
 what they have hitherto taken, must entirely relinquish all 
 their former friends, must positively deny all they have 
 formerly asserted ; in short, they must turn their coat through- 
 out. 
 
 It may perhaps be asked, and is a question not easy to
 
 152 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 answer, How often a man may be allowed to change his sides ? 
 Surely he who hath been on both sides the question, may, 
 when he finds his former principles the justest, revert to these 
 principles; nor do I see why, on very weighty considerations, 
 he may not take a fourth trip also. 
 
 As for the reasons which may justify these changes they 
 are so many and various, that I cannot be expected to assign 
 them all here. Surely a man is no more obliged to stick to 
 his principles, when they disappoint him, than to his friends. 
 Any ill usage from his party, any refusal of what he thinks 
 himself entitled to, no doubt sufficiently justify this exchange. 
 How much indeed a good large offer from the other party, 
 when he hath nothing to complain of from his own, may speak 
 in his own behalf, I cannot say ; but surely, such is the weak- 
 ness of human nature, that it ought to be considered in his 
 favour, and will, no doubt, if not sufficiently justify him, very 
 considerably lessen his fault. 
 
 If we look into antiquity, we shall find several of the most 
 eminent heroes glorious examples of this practice, Alcibiades 
 and Themistocles, and others among the Greeks; Coriolanus, 
 &c. among the Latins. Indeed our own country affords very 
 few instances. Colonel Hurry in the civil wars, I think makes 
 the chief figure among the Turn-coats of our countrymen. 
 
 I know it hath been laid down, as a maxim of good policy, 
 by one of no inconsiderable reputation, to stand firm to your 
 principles, inasmuch as you may be assured that the party you 
 adhere to will one time or other get the ascendant. But, 
 
 " Vitce summa hrevis, spent nos vital inchoare longam." 
 
 Put not off until to-morrow what you can do to-day; you 
 may die before you attain that by a change in the govern- 
 ment, which you may perhaps get now by a change in your 
 own principles.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 153 
 
 Tuesday, January 15, 1739-40. 
 
 " Homines in tantis rebus, ut aut contemjiant, aut metuant, aut 
 oderint, aut ajncnt, opinione non minus famce, qudm aliqud certA 
 ratione commoveri." — Cicero pro Lege Manil. 
 
 Of all the words, which our language hath borrowed from, 
 the Latin, I know not one to which we have applied an idea 
 so unequal and inferior to what it gives us in its original 
 tongue, as the word Authority. This we use in the same 
 sense with power, and signify by it the capacity or ability 
 of doing such and such things; whereas, the Latins by 
 auctoritas intend to convey the idea of that awe and respect, 
 which the opinion of power and virtue created in others; in 
 this sense, Cicero every where uses it, particularly in his 
 oration Pro Lege Manilia, where he introduces it at the end 
 of his climax in the character of Pompey, and endeavours 
 from this chiefly to recommend him to the Romans. I shall 
 give my readers a literal translation of one sentence. 
 
 " Since authority (says he) hath so much weight in the 
 administration of war and military discipline, no man can 
 doubt the prevalence of this general in this particular. And 
 who is ignorant of what mighty consequence the opinion which 
 your enemies or allies entertain of your g-enerals, will be to 
 the success of your wars, since we know that mankind, in these 
 weighty matters, are not less actuated to contempt or fear, 
 love or hatred, by common opinion, than by any certainty of 
 reason." 
 
 By authority, then, I understand, that weight which one 
 man bears in the mind of another, resulting from an opinion 
 of any extraordinary qualities or virtues inherent in him, 
 which prepares the latter to receive the most favourable im- 
 pression from all the words and actions of the person thus 
 esteemed : this opinion, when it becomes general of any man, 
 constitutes what we call popularity, which whoever hath at- 
 tained, may with great facility procure any thing which it 
 is in the power of the people to confer on him, may persuade
 
 154 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 them to, or dissuade them from any purposes. Whatever he 
 affirms, they will believe ; whatever he affects they will hope ; 
 whatever he commands, they will execute. In this light, 
 Virgil introduces a man of authority pacifying a tumult, one 
 of the finest pictures in the whole ^neid, 
 
 " Ac veluti magno in populo cum soepe coorta est 
 Seditio, scevitque animis ignobile vulgus. 
 Jamque faces et saxa volant. Furor arma ministrat. 
 Turn pietate gravem, et meritis si forte virum quern 
 Conspexere silent, errectisque aurihus astant. 
 Ille regit dictis animos et temperat iras." 
 
 " As when in tumults rise th' ignoble crowd, 
 Mad are their motions, and their tongues are loud; 
 And stones and brands in rattling volleys fly, 
 And all the rustic arms that fury can supply: 
 If then some grave and pious man appear, 
 They hush their noise, and lend a list'ning ear; 
 He soothes with sober words their angry mood. 
 And quenches their innate desire of blood." — Dbyden". 
 
 Or, as another hath translated two of the lines more 
 ludicrous ; 
 
 " If in their tumults a grave man appears, 
 All's whist, and nothing stirring but their ears." 
 
 We read in Machiavel, that when the Florentines in a 
 violent commotion had slain Pogolantonio Soderini, and ran 
 in a tumult to his house with intention to plunder it, his 
 brother Francisco, Bishop of Volterra, who was accidentally 
 there, marching out into the crowd in his episcopal robes, 
 by the majesty of his person, and the dignity of his be- 
 haviour, restrained them from farther outrage, and prevailed 
 with them to return peaceably home. And in another place, 
 the same* writer observes, that Hannibal could have kept so 
 vast an army of different nations in such exact discipline, and 
 free from mutiny and desertion, by his great reputation and 
 authority only.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 155 
 
 Nor is this force of authority less prevalent in civil, than 
 in military, in the lowest, than in the highest affairs. It 
 presides in all assemblies, especially such where there is any 
 degree of freedom. Plutarch, in the life of Phocion, remarks, 
 that the least gesture, the least nod or token of a man held 
 in public estimation, will be more regarded than the elaborate 
 orations of those of no character. The most private life must 
 afford instances of this truth. In every club, or meeting of 
 men, there are some who command the attention of the rest, 
 whenever they please to open their mouths, whilst others may 
 talk themselves hoarse without any notice taken of them. 
 Hence, I apprehend, arose that common phrase of being well 
 or ill heard; the consequence hereof must be sensibly felt by 
 every person who speaks in company, much more in a public 
 assembly. 
 
 Whence this authority accrues, is not necessary to discuss. 
 In public characters, I believe, it is generally the attendant 
 on merit, though I confess that sometimes here, and often 
 in private life, we owe esteem and contempt, to accidental, 
 indirect, and sometimes ridiculous circumstances; of which I 
 shall give this flagrant instance, that until my removal to a 
 polite part of the town, the world paid very little respect to 
 those excellent discourses with which I obliged them, possess- 
 ing themselves with an opinion, that nothing worth their 
 reading, could possibly come from Hockley in the Hole. 
 
 But from whatever causes the good or ill opinion of the 
 people proceeds, the consequences of these will be the same; 
 of the former I have sufficiently spoke already ; I shall, there- 
 fore, in the remaining part of this paper, endeavour to show, 
 that the universal ill opinion of a people, renders a man 
 utterly incapable of executing any public office, either military 
 or civil. Secondly, I shall point out some of the general 
 springs whence this flows. And thirdly, I shall give a few 
 hints, by which any person, labouring under this calamity, 
 may distinguish the symptoms thereof. 
 
 Tlie first of those hath been inclusively spoken to already, 
 for if authority or popularity be of that vast consequence, 
 that it almost always procures success, a reverse of these must
 
 156 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 have been a contrary effect, for though some men, who have 
 been hated and despised by their country, may have com- 
 forted themselves that they have been less guilty than others, 
 who have shared the same fate, they could not think them- 
 selves less unfortunate; the same incapacity of serving their 
 country, of effecting any great or glorious action, will pursue 
 them, whether they are despised, or hated, right or wrong. 
 This being too plain to require the proof of an example, I 
 shall proceed, secondly, to the causes of this ill opinion, which, 
 though perhaps an instance or two may be shown to the con- 
 trary, is generally too well founded. 
 
 This universal ill opinion, when in the utmost perfection, is 
 a mixture of hatred and contempt; whatever therefore pro- 
 duces either of these, may be truly called one of the ingredients 
 in this composition. Now, I believe, the original of popular 
 hatred and contempt, may be found in some of the following 
 aphorisms. 
 
 The people hate their enemies. 
 
 They hate all those whose interests are incompatible with 
 their own. 
 
 They hate all such as pursue interests different from their 
 own. 
 
 They hate their oppressors. 
 
 They hate all the devisers and promoters of laws, restrictive 
 of their liberties. 
 
 They hate the inventors of schemes prejudicial to their 
 properties. 
 
 They despise those whose abilities are known to be in no 
 wise equal to their offices. 
 
 They despise and hate those who have been raised from 
 very low to very high degrees, without public merit and 
 services. 
 
 They despise men in high station, whose persons are 
 clumsy, whose behaviour is awkward, and whose manners are 
 low and mean. 
 
 They hate all subjects in power, who dispose of prefer- 
 ments without any regard to merit or capacity. 
 
 Lastly, they hate those from whom they apprehend their
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 157 
 
 destruction, and by how much the more they despise such, 
 by so much the more they hate them. 
 
 These are the most general causes of ill opinion, to which, 
 perhaps, some more may be added. Now the symptoms, by 
 which a universal disregard may be discovered, seem to be 
 chiefly these. 
 
 The inward suggestion of a man's own mind, that he 
 deserves to be heartily hated by his fellow suljjects; and an 
 apprehension arising thence of the free voice of the people; 
 with a self-conviction that he hath taken all base methods to 
 secure himself from this fear. 
 
 A dreadful experience, that all men of great abilities de- 
 cline his cause, his friendship, and his acquaintance. That 
 none will do him the least service without pay, which those, 
 who are most capable of serving him, will not accept. That 
 he hath no friend who is not his dependant, and hated for 
 being such by all others. That no one vnW say or hear, 
 write or read any thing in his favour; while every person 
 and thing attempting to villify and ridicule him, are caressed 
 and esteemed by the public. 
 
 Though more might be added (being perhaps particular 
 branches from these general roots) it may be needless to 
 enumerate them, seeing that whoever finds the least appear- 
 ance of any of the before mentioned may conclude the symp- 
 toms are on him; and whoever shall perceive that he is clear 
 of all these, may as safely acquit himself. 
 
 I conclude with observing, that we have had no person in 
 whom all these symptoms have met, since Buckingham, and 
 I heartily hope we shall never see such another. 
 
 Thursday^ January 17, 1739-40. 
 
 ** Scepe et multum hoc mecum cogitavi, ionine an mali plus attulerit 
 hominihus et civitatibus copia dicendi." — Cicero, De Invent. 
 
 The use of speech hath by some been represented as an 
 essential mark, which distinguishes man from the other in- 
 
 /
 
 158 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 habitants of this creation. I suppose these persons mean the 
 power of conveying ideas to each other by speech, for that of 
 articulating sounds we may observe in several others. 
 
 Nor, perhaps, will the observation hold extremely true with 
 regard to the other quality. Inasmuch as I see great reason 
 to believe all animals have a sort of language, whereby they 
 converse with one another. Though perhaps they have not a 
 faculty of modulating sounds with as great a variety as man, 
 having, perhaps, a less variety of ideas; yet, whoever has 
 been at all conversant with them, cannot, I think doubt their 
 power of communicating some necessary hints. For my part, 
 I am sufficiently assured, they have no sound, but what hath 
 its proper meaning, and is well understood among themselves : 
 for, not to argue from the opinion, that nature hath made 
 nothing in vain, whoever hath observed a rook alarm his 
 neighbours on the apprehension of danger; or the different 
 sounds made use of by the hen when she would summon her 
 chickens to their food, or warn them to shun an approaching 
 hawk, must conclude that they have sufficient methods to con- 
 vey the ideas of delight and terror to each other, nay, and to 
 those of our own species, who live much among them, and (if 
 I may be allowed the phrase) converse intimately with them. 
 The experienced huntsman knows, by the different notes of his 
 dogs, whether the game be fox or hare which they pursue. 
 In short, a man who should be thrown among a nation of 
 people, whose language he understood not one word of, 
 might full as rationally conclude, that they had none, and 
 all that seemed such in them, was nothing more than certain, 
 inarticulate, accidental sounds -wdthout any meaning, as he 
 might those of the beasts to be so from the same reason. 
 
 But though the very gift of speech itself, doth not essen- 
 tially distinguish us from our fellow inliabitants of this 
 globe, yet the manner in which we employ it, I think, does; 
 or, in other words, though the use of speech be not peculiar 
 to man, I believe the abuse of it is. 
 
 Mr. Locke, in his chapter of the remedies of the abuse of 
 words, says, " That whoever shall consider the errors and 
 obscurity, the mistakes and confusion, that are spread in the
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 159 
 
 •world by an ill use of words, will find some reason to doubt, 
 whether language, as it has been employed, has contributed 
 more to the improvement or hindrance of knowledge amongst 
 manl<ind." 
 
 I am inclined to believe, that if we could, by a kind of 
 chemical operation, separate those parts of our ordinary con- 
 versation, which either leave any idea in the mind of the 
 speaker, or convey any to that of the hearer, from those 
 which do not, the former would be found scarce to bear the 
 proportion of a tenth part to the latter. 
 
 To instance, first, in compliments, among the civilised 
 part of mankind, what a number of words hath the introduc- 
 tion of this custom stripped of their ideas, and in a manner 
 annihilated? What idea hath any man in his head, when 
 he says to another, " Sir, I am your most obedient humble 
 servant, I am heartily glad to see you. How does your good 
 family? I am heartily sorry to hear of the death of your 
 father, &c." I believe there is scarce any well bred man, 
 but hath thrown away half the words of his language in this 
 manner. Nor is there any man either weak enough to in- 
 tend, or to receive flattery by this method; when one gentle- 
 man tells another he is, " His most obedient servant," it 
 signifies no more, nor is any more meant or understood by 
 it, than if he had said Barababatha, or any other sound, 
 which in no language, that we know of, has any meaning. 
 
 A second way of squandering words in conversation, is the 
 art of adorning your speech (as some imagine the ancient 
 Greeks to have done their language) with expletives. This 
 is a faculty which I have known some men possess in so 
 eminent a degree, that they might themselves be properly 
 called expletives in conversation. 
 
 A third way, and less innocent than any of the former 
 is that of swearing on every flight, and sometimes on no 
 occasion. If an oath conveyed to the mind of a Christian, 
 the terrible sense it properly signifies, it would be impos- 
 sible for him to be so weak as to use it; besides, considering 
 the present flourishing state of infidelity, we may often be 
 assured an oath is a sound without. any, idea belonging to it;
 
 160 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 for what idea can the atheist liave in his mind^, when he 
 swears by his creator, or a deist, who swears by any of the 
 articles of the Christian faith? 
 
 There are several other methods too tedious to mention, 
 in which particular men very happily succeed; an argument 
 or a story often carry off some thousands of words, and leave 
 no person the wiser; not to mention certain phrases which 
 have by long custom arrived at meaning nothing, though 
 often used ; such as, it is very early, very late ; very hot, very 
 cold; a very good, a very bad play or opera; the best in the 
 world, the worst in the world, and several others. 
 
 But besides many other species of word-squandering which 
 are generally practised, every particular profession seems to 
 have laid violent hands on some certain syllables which they 
 use ad libitum without conveying any idea whatsoever. 
 
 I need not mention that custom so notorious among gen- 
 tlemen of the law, of taking away from substantives, the 
 power given them by Mr. Lilly of standing by themselves, 
 and joining two or three more substantives to show their 
 signification; I mean the noble art of tautology, which is one 
 kind of extravagance in the use of words. They have also 
 several words, or rather sounds peculiar to themselves with- 
 out any meaning, such as learned in the law, despatch, rea- 
 sonable, and many others. 
 
 Physicians seem to have so carefully avoided this extrava- 
 gance, that in their prescriptions they use no words at all, 
 conveying their meaning to the apothecary, by certain strange 
 figures, which some think to have a very mystical, and even 
 magical force in them; and yet these gentlemen have some 
 words in use among them, to which it will be very difficult 
 to assign any certain idea. Such are out of danger, safe 
 prescription, infallible method, &c. Nay, I have been 
 told, that physician itself, is a word of very little, if any 
 signification. 
 
 The mercantile world, may at first sight, from their writ- 
 ings be supposed to spare all superfluity of language, and 
 use no more than the needful, and yet notwithstanding their 
 frequent banishment of the first person out of their epistles.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION IGl 
 
 "we shall find in their mouths several words and phrases of 
 as little meaning as an}^ before mentioned. Such are, very- 
 cheap, lowest price^ get nothing by it, fair trader^, as I have 
 a soul to be saved, this cost me, &c. 
 
 There are also several ways at first used to distinguish 
 particular degrees of men, but by time immemorial stript of 
 all ideas whatever. 
 
 Such are captain, doctor, esquire, honourable, and right 
 honourable, the two last of which signifies no more than if 
 jou should pronounce the above mentioned word Barababatha. 
 
 Great men have peculiar phrases, which some persons im- 
 agine to have a meaning among themselves, but give no more 
 idea to others, than any of those imintelligible sounds which 
 the beasts utter; such are, upon my honour, believe me, 
 depend on me, I'll certainly serve you another time, this is 
 promised, I wish you had spoke sooner; and some hundred 
 others of this kind, very frequent in the mouths of the said 
 great men. 
 
 I shall enumerate no more out of many instances which 
 might be brought of our using sounds, without ideas; but 
 from what has been said, I am persuaded the use of speech 
 appears of no such universal advantage as some may think 
 it, and that we may not consider the distinction which speech 
 has set between us and the brute creation (if it hath set any) 
 so much to our honour, nor make so ill a use of it, as to 
 upbraid them with what if nature hath granted to us, we 
 have so barbarously and scandalously abused. 
 
 Tuesday, January 22, 1739-40. 
 
 " Continuo sontes ultrix accinta fagello 
 Tisiphone quatit insultans, torvosque sinistrd 
 Intentans Angues vocat agmina sceva sororum." — Virgil. 
 
 There is a set of philosophers who have, it seems, in di- 
 rect opposition to that ancient tenet of the Stoic school, that 
 virtue is the greatest good, found out, that virtue is the 
 
 Misc. Weitings II — 11
 
 162 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 greatest evil, and that the surest and indeed only way to 
 human happiness is utterly to pluck up by the roots that 
 useless and pernicious weed, which every where obstructs 
 men in all desirable pursuits. 
 
 As it was the aim and earnest endeavour of the Stoics, 
 and other sects of the ancient writers, to raise and elevate 
 human nature to the highest pitch of goodness and virtue; 
 these philosophers have, with no less pains, laboured to de- 
 grade and debase it to the lowest sink of iniquity and vice. 
 As the former had before them the pattern of divine perfec- 
 tion, the imitation of which they assiduously preached up to 
 their disciples and followers, the whole course of their labours 
 visibly tending to bring mankind as near as possible to the 
 excellence of the Deity; so the latter have not scrupled to 
 set before their readers the imitation of an infernal demon, 
 and drudged as heartily to level us with him. 
 
 What advantage these political philosophers propose to 
 themselves or the world from the propagation of this doc- 
 trine, is not easy to determine ; or why they should so strenu- 
 ously endeavour to prove that true which they must at the 
 same time own, is highly our interest to wish false, I cannot 
 imagine. Was human nature really as depraved, and totally 
 bad as they represent it, surely the discovery is of the same 
 kind with his, who wdth great pains persuaded his friend 
 that a wife, who had agreeably deceived him, and with whom 
 he lived extremely happy, was false to him. A man, upon 
 whom such unwelcome discoveries are intruded, may say 
 with him in Horace, 
 
 -" Pol me occidistis, amid. 
 
 Non servastis, ait, cui sic extorta voluptas 
 
 Et demptus per vim, mentis gratissimus error." 
 
 An evil which admits of no remedy, a wise man would surely 
 wish to remain in ignorance of. Surely a person violently 
 deformed in his features, would have little reason to thank 
 one who officiously held a glass to him; nor is he more 
 obliged to another, who tells him he is undoubtedly a rogue 
 in his nature.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 163 
 
 These philosophers have carried on their war against vir- 
 tue two ways. They have first, as much as in them lay, en- 
 deavoured to ridicule and extirpate all our expectations of 
 any future reward in another life; and secondly, they have 
 represented it as directly incompatible with our happiness 
 and advancement in this. Wliile one part of this tribe have 
 been kicking our religion out of doors, another have as 
 strenuously applied themselves to send our morals after. We 
 have seen religion represented as a grievance, and vices very 
 modestly called the chief benefits to a nation. 
 
 I shall not here enter into the discussion of points of so 
 great consequence, and which have been so often and so well 
 proved as the immortality of the soul, and the certainty of 
 a future state. The reader will find in Tillotson and Clerk, 
 sufficient demonstrations of this truth, sufficient antidotes 
 against all such writings as I have above mentioned. The 
 scope of this paper is to prove, that these writers would da 
 a real dis-service to mankind, even supposing these allega- 
 tions were true, and religion as false as they would have it 
 imagined. 
 
 Was there no future state, it would be surely the interest 
 of every virtuous man to wish there was one ; and supposing 
 it certain, every wise man must naturally become virtuous. 
 How finely does the Stoic argue, 
 
 " If there's a Power above us. 
 
 And that there is, all nature cries aloud 
 
 In all her works, he must delight in virtue; 
 
 And that which he delights in must be happy." 
 
 What a glorious, what a rapturous consideration must it be 
 to the heart of man to think the goodness of the great God 
 of nature concerned in his happiness? How must it elevate 
 him in his own opinion? How transported must he be with 
 himself? Wliat ecstatic pleasure must he feel in his mind, 
 when he presumes that his ways are pleasing to the all- 
 powerful Creator of the universe? How transporting must 
 be the thought that he is looked on ^vith favour by the 
 mighty Being, in whose will is all goodness and benevolence.
 
 164 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION. 
 
 and in whose power is all existence and all happiness? If 
 this be a dream, it is such a one as infinitely exceeds all the 
 paltry enjoyments this life can afford. It is such a delusion 
 as. he' who undeceived you might be well said occidere et non 
 servare, to destroy, not preserve. How cruel would it be in 
 a physician to wake his patient from dreams of purling 
 stxeams, and shady groves, to a state of pain and misery? 
 How much more cruel then is this pretended physician of 
 the mind, who destroys in you those delightful hopes, which, 
 however vain, would afford such a spring of pleasure during 
 the whole course of your life? 
 
 And supposing that the deist, nay, the atheist, could carry 
 his point, supposing that the belief of a future state, nay, of 
 a very Deity, could be rooted out of the world, and men 
 could be brought to believe that this vast regular frame of 
 the universe, and all the artful and cunning machines therein 
 were the effects of chance, of an irregular dance of atoms. 
 Suppose the atheist could establish his creed (a creed abound- 
 ing with many greater difficulties to human understanding 
 than any religious one whatever), nay, suppose the deist 
 could establish his, that we could believe the Deity a lazy, 
 unactive being, regardless of the affairs of this world, that 
 the soul of man, when his body dieth, lives no more, but 
 returns to common matter with that of the brute creation, 
 where would be the advantage accruing to us? What misery 
 would be banished out of the world? Would men be the 
 happier or better for this knowledge? What would be the 
 consequence of this? Wliy then mankind might be left to 
 pursue their desires, their appetites, their lusts, in a full 
 swing and without control. The ambitious, the voluptuous, 
 the covetous, the revengeful, the malicious, steering clear of 
 human laws only, without any fear of being called to a future 
 account, might feast and glut their several passions with the 
 most delicious repasts they could procure. How little pro- 
 ductive of happiness this would be, I shall hereafter inquire ; 
 but let us, for the present, grant with the deist that the 
 Almighty slumbers on His throne, that the soul of man is 
 as mortal as his body, nay, is a part of his body, or what-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 165 
 
 ever else he pleases to have it. Nay, further, let us give to 
 the atheist himself that creating power wliich he denies any- 
 where else, let him make his hero, and endow him vdth 
 beauty, health, and vigour, let him form him for the utmost 
 delights with women, and gratify him with the finest daintiest 
 that the gardens, or the shambles of Venus can produce; let 
 him, if he please, compliment liim with all the other passions 
 in the same perfection, and glut him with the same luxury; 
 yet will he, I am afraid, be forced to own all his pleasures 
 infinitely inferior to those exquisite raptures wliich the cool- 
 est enthusiast in religion enjoys. 
 
 What advantage therefore to mankind can the deist pro- 
 pose, by endeavouring to rob him of » these delights, however 
 ill-grounded they may be, nay, what amends can he make 
 us for so doing? 
 
 But suppose, as Dr. South observes, the contrary should 
 be the case and religion not that mere bugbear some repre- 
 sent it. 
 
 What will be the case then? How innocent have been the 
 swords of the conquerors and destroyers, the heroic murder- 
 ers and butchers of mankind, in comparison with a profligate 
 pen? How wholesome are the most poisonous drugs and 
 venom of serpents compared to his ink? What applause, 
 what reward can attend his labours, but the dreadful 
 consideration 
 
 " To glad all hell with numbers he has damn'd ? " 
 
 Thursday, January 24, 1739-40. 
 
 — " Vis redd vivere? Quis non? 
 
 8i virtus hoc una potest dare, fortis omissis 
 Hoc age deliciis." — Horace. 
 
 I DO not remember a more noble sentiment preserved to 
 us in the records of all antiquity, than what is contained in 
 a short sentence of Plato, which I have often seen quoted.
 
 166 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 " That could mankind behold virtue naked, they would all 
 be in love with her." 
 
 Several of the philosophers, as well as primitive fathers, 
 and some modern divines, have dressed her up in such dis- 
 agreeable colours, have represented her to be of so rigid a 
 nature, and so difficult to be attained, that they have fright- 
 ened the weaker and more indolent part of mankind from 
 her embraces, while these have either despaired of success in 
 the pursuit, or fancied such intolerable penances, as they 
 were unable to undergo in her possession. 
 
 A certain sect, whom I mentioned in my last paper, tak- 
 ing advantage of this frightful figure, in which virtue was 
 set forth, turned the arms of ridicule upon her, and en- 
 deavoured to persuade mankind, that this outwardly dis- 
 agreeable mistress had as few charms within. That, however 
 ugly she appeared in that dress, wherein her advocates had 
 exhibited her, she had really put on her best face; that those 
 hidden beauties which they talked so much of, were nothing 
 more than chimeras of their own brains, or at least forgeries 
 only devised to impose upon and cheat the multitude. In 
 opposition to whom, they tricked out and adorned with all 
 possible show and splendour, a very fine, young lady, who 
 they assured the world was full as charming within as with- 
 out, and ten times a more valuable conquest than that mis- 
 tress for whom they had sighed so long. 
 
 Some of these gentlemen acted in a more disguised man- 
 ner, never telling the name of this mistress they so com- 
 mended, while others grew bolder, threw off her mask, and 
 were not ashamed to declare, that vice, to every wise man, 
 was infinitely preferable to virtue. That every man who 
 intended to advance himself in the world, or to be great and 
 happy, must make his addresses to the former ; that thirst and 
 hunger, whips and chains, were the only boons which virtue 
 bestowed on her admirers. That her favour was the sure 
 road to misery, and that those in whom she most delighted, 
 she made most unhappy. 
 
 In consequence of this, several treatises were written show- 
 ing how men might attain the full possession of the former
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 167 
 
 lady; or, to drop the allegory, rules were prescribed to make 
 us complete rogues. 
 
 And yet, if we examine this matter thoroughly, if we strip 
 virtue and vice of all their outward ornaments and appear- 
 ances, and view them both naked, and in their pure, native 
 simplicity, we shall, I trust, find virtue to have in her every 
 thing that is truly valuable, to be a constant mistress, a 
 faithful friend, and a pleasant companion; while vice will 
 appear a tawdry, painted harlot, within, all foul and im- 
 pure, enticing only at a distance, the possession of her cer- 
 tainly attended with uneasiness, pain, disease, poverty, and 
 dishonour. 
 
 Virtue is not that coy, nor that cruel mistress she is repre- 
 sented. Nor is she of that morose and rigid nature, which 
 some mistake her to be. If she loves retirement, and is more 
 safely preserved there, still she will accompany you in cities, 
 in courts, and in camps. Ambition itself, if moderate, she 
 will countenance, she will not indeed permit you, by all 
 means whatever, to rise and advance yourself; yet she has 
 been known to raise some to the highest dignities in the 
 State, in the Army, and in the Law. So^hat we find virtue 
 and interest are not, according to Photinus in Lucan, as re- 
 pugnant as fire and water. Besides how much more desir- 
 able is preferment acquired by virtuous than that obtained 
 by vicious means. The virtuous man, for the most part 
 however, enjoys his preferment with a security of mind, with 
 safety, and with honour. Whereas the man, who by base and 
 dishonest means hath raised himself to power, stands as it 
 were on a pinnacle, exposed to every wind, fearful and dis- 
 quieted within, hated and pursued without. His power 
 seldom lasting, always uncertain, and generally sure to end 
 in ruin and dishonour. 
 
 Nor hath the virtuous man less advantage in the ways of 
 pleasure. Virtue forbids not the satisfying our appetites, 
 virtue forbids us only to glut and destroy them. The tem- 
 perate man tastes and relishes pleasure in a degree infinitely 
 superior to that of tlie voluptuous. The body of the volup- 
 tuous man soon becomes impaired, his palate soon loses its
 
 168 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 taste, his nerves become soon unbraced and unfit to 'perform 
 their office: whereas, the temperate body is still preserved in 
 health, its nerves retain their full tone and vigour, and 
 convey to the mind the most exquisite sensations. The sot 
 soon ceases to enjoy his wine, the glutton his dainties, and 
 the libertine his women. The temperate man enjoys all in 
 the highest degree, and indeed with the greatest variety: for 
 human nature Mdll not suffice for an excess in every passion, 
 and wherever one runs away with a man, we may generally 
 observe him sacrificing all the rest to the enjoyment of that 
 alone. The virtuous and temperate man only hath inclina- 
 tion, hath strength; and (if I may be indulged in the ex- 
 pression), hath opportunity to enjoy all his passions. 
 
 Poverty is so far from being enjoined us by virtue, that 
 parsimony, which she expressly prescribes, is a certain way 
 to wealth. Indeeds she suffers us not by any base or 
 mean arts, by imposing or preying on others, to rush, as It 
 were, into immense fortunes. The consequences of which, 
 we may observe, to be always either spending them again in 
 a manner as detestable as they were amassed, or forfeiting 
 them to that justice which we injured in the getting them, 
 or becoming absolute slaves to them. The last of which i& 
 of all circumstances the most miserable. There is scarce any 
 trade, any profession in life, which will not abundantly 
 supply the industrious professor. If we search to the bot- 
 tom, we shall find the moderate acquisitions of industry and 
 honesty more productive of happiness, than all the plunder 
 with which fraud, rapine, or violence can enrich us. 
 
 It is needless to run through any other instance, we shall 
 find in all, that virtue indulges us in the use, and preserves: 
 us from the abuse of our passions. That it is always the 
 result of wisdom, as happiness will be always the result of 
 virtue. 
 
 Vice cheats us with the appearances of good, while virtue 
 only gives it us in reality. Honour, pleasure, wealth, are 
 only found under her conduct. Vice plays the courtier with 
 us, it flatters, and promises, and deceives. A^irtue is more 
 reserved, less liberal to us on a slender acquaintance; but
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 169 
 
 ■when we prove ourselves worthy her favours, she is always 
 profuse in bestowing them. 
 
 And this is she that hath been represented in so rigid and 
 odious a light by some of her own advocates. That hath 
 been pictured as such a tyrant, requiring things almost im- 
 possible to be performed, and forbidding us other things 
 from which it is as difficult to abstain. This is that virtue 
 which wanton wits have strove to ridicule, and wicked 
 sophisters have argued to be so contrary to our worldly in- 
 terest; whereas, her commands are most easy, and her 
 burthens light; she commands us no more than to be happy, 
 and forbids us nothing but destruction. In short, her ways 
 are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. 
 
 Saturday, January 26, 1739-40. 
 
 " Dixero quid si forti jocosius, hoc mihi juris 
 Cum venia dabis." — Horace. 
 
 To Captain Hercules Vinegar. 
 
 Sir, — You have lately surprised the world by two very 
 elaborate (not to say dull,) essays upon virtue. Who would 
 have expected, or who indeed can bear such pious and moral 
 declamations from the mouth of Captain Vinegar? 
 
 " Quis tulerit Gracchos de seditione querentes." 
 
 It would have been much more consonant with your former 
 character, to have taken the other side, and have given a 
 final kick to this lady, whose nudities, it seems, Plato was 
 so delighted with. I know not whether she may be so fond 
 of appearing naked in these colder climates, but I am sure 
 she will always leave her followers so. 
 
 My Lord Bacon, somewhat a greater philosopher I think 
 than yourself, was so far from attempting to establish real 
 virtue (and let me tell you she had then a little better foot-
 
 170 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 ing than at present), that he only endeavoured to recommend 
 her shadow. He advised men only to wear the mask of those 
 virtues which were nearest allied to their vices; the covetous 
 man to affect thriftiness; the prodigal liberality; the coward 
 humility ; the rash man valour ; and so of the rest. 
 
 This is indeed arguing like a wise man, like a man who 
 imderstands the world, and the way of living in it. This is 
 such philosophical diet as a man may grow fat by feeding 
 on. No chimerical system, which hath starved all its pro- 
 fessors, which savours of the romantic tub of Diogenes, and 
 would soon reduce us to be glad of a tub to live in. 
 
 I shall not here attack the former part of your apology 
 for virtue, where you speak of another world. That subject, 
 I hope, hath been pretty satisfactorily handled already by 
 some modern free thinkers. I cannot, however, help observ- 
 ing, how aptly you use the word " dream " on this occasion. 
 And if you have a desire to dream on, or to talk in your 
 sleep, as we are well convinced you did in the before men- 
 tioned essay, far be it from me to wake you. Dose yourself 
 as you please, good captain, but distribute not your opiates 
 through the nation; for when you do, I shall always apply 
 proper antidotes. I shall not be afraid of your club, whose 
 ridiculous and miraculous power, credat Judceus Apella, non 
 ego. 
 
 I come now to the second part of your apology, where 
 virtue is very modestly asserted to be not only consistent 
 with, but necessary to worldly interest. Here you set out 
 very bravely indeed, noble captain, with showing us how 
 considerable a prop she is to ambition, how necessar}'^ to the 
 acquiring or keeping preferments. As you have not been so 
 good as to tell us what preferments you mean, I will sup- 
 pose in your favour, they may be at court. Indeed, if we 
 consider the characters and conduct of those gentlemen 
 among us, who are, at present, so happy to possess these, we 
 may be, perhaps, inclined to come into your opinion. Yet it 
 is certain, that several writers of your own side have thought 
 courts a soil wherein this plant of virtue seldom grows to 
 any great height. I must own, indeed, that as few of these
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 171 
 
 writers have appeared lately, the court soil may have heen 
 improved since the times of the Stoics, and virtue may flour- 
 ish better there now than formerly it did. But whether this 
 plant, like some others, may not change a little of its nature 
 with its soil; whether the virtue that is necessary to court- 
 preferments, be not another sort of virtue from that which 
 Plato was in love with ; whether there be not some particular 
 virtue proper for a gentleman, as king Charles II. said of 
 religion; or whether, as Horace tells us, that as vice often 
 puts on the mask of virtue, so virtue may not sometimes put 
 on the appearance of vice, I shall not determine. Perhaps, 
 certain qualities and actions may be virtues in a courtier, 
 which are vices in any other; we know shedding blood is 
 accounted laudable in a soldier, as it is his profession ; f orget- 
 fulness of promises, treachery, etc., may therefore have the 
 same title to be praiseworthy in the courtier. Lastly, which 
 I think the strongest argument of all, as it is a maxim in 
 law, that the fountain and head of a court can do no wrong, 
 this incapacity of doing wrong may probably descend to all 
 who belong to a court; and thus a vicious person can never 
 be preferred there, because he is no longer vicious than until 
 he is preferred. 
 
 But I shall dwell no longer on this article, since I think I 
 can easily confute you on the other heads. And if I can once 
 prove the court to be the only place where virtue thrives, if 
 I can drive her to that retreat, I shall leave her in that good 
 company with all my heart. 
 
 You have asserted, that pleasure consists in temperance. 
 But, I suppose, you will agree that it has no great affection 
 for hunger, or thirst, or cold: and these, sir, are misfortunes 
 which virtue can in no wise hinder you from. Virtue is a 
 sort of cash, unknown to the butcher, the baker, the draper, 
 the tailor. If a man carries nothing but virtue to market, 
 he will, I am afraid, carry nothing else from it. Nor are 
 the virtuous pleasures which you allow us with women to 
 be purchased by this coin. The gravest parent would listen 
 very little to the catalogue of a man's virtues, if he brought 
 no rent-roll with him; nor would he easily prevail with the 
 
 u-
 
 172 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 young lady to run away with him, hy any such charms. If 
 Plato, and an ensign of the Foot Guards were to be competi- 
 tors for a wife, the philosopher would stand as ill a chance 
 in the lady's eye, as he would in her father's, was a rich 
 country squire, or city alderman, his rival. Money must 
 purchase him pleasure, and virtue will scarce purchase him 
 money. A very virtuous man may starve in Westminster 
 Hall, or among the fair traders in the city, while the gentle- 
 man who would take fees in any cause, or sometimes on both 
 sides of the same cause ; and the trader who swears solemnly 
 that he gets nothing by his silk at a crown a yard, and sells 
 it afterwards for four shillings, will be pretty sure of grow- 
 ing rich. And riches are the way to honour as well as 
 pleasure. Nay, the very titles, which are peculiar to virtue 
 itself, are usurped by riches. Wliat is the meaning of a 
 good man in the city, but a rich man; or a bad man, but a 
 poor one? Will not riches, even at court itself, procure a 
 man a title, and does not a title endow him and his suc- 
 cessors with honour? Human happiness is surely placed in 
 being rich, and riches are not procured by virtue. How they 
 are procured, I shall show you in a future letter. You may 
 as well publish these my lucubrations yourself; for, if you 
 do not, I shall carry on the controversy in some other paper; 
 and I know one very fit for my purpose : for whatever paper 
 is carried on for the support of corruption, ^vill not stick at 
 proclaiming war against virtue. 
 
 I am, &c. 
 
 Tuesday, January 29, 1739-40. 
 
 " Aude aliquid hrevibus gyaris et carcere dignum, 
 Si vis esse aliquis." — Juvenal. 
 
 To Captain Hercules Vinegar. 
 
 Sir, — As I have, I think, in my former letter, sufficiently 
 overthroT^Ti all your arguments in defence of virtue, which I
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 173 
 
 therein proved entirely incompatible with our worldly in- 
 terest, I here send you, according to my promise, some in- 
 structions whereby a man may arrive at that pitch of grand- 
 eur and honour in the world, which you so falsely suggested 
 to be attainable in the roads of virtue. 
 
 The first quality which every man ought to be possessed 
 of, who promises himself to make any figure in this hemi- 
 sphere, is the art of lying. This word, as it regards our 
 interest, however it came to be scandalous I will not de- ■.-^ 
 termme, comprehends flattery and scandal, a false defence 
 of ourselves, and a false accusation of other people. 
 
 It hath been laid down as a maxim, that a liar ought 
 to have a good memory. This I take to be a blessing, 
 which if not born with a man, is not easily attained. Such 
 as think it is, I shall recommend to that excellent treatise 
 called Memoria Technica, and other books which they may 
 find of the same nature. 
 
 First, a lie ought never to be improbable; several liars, 
 who might have made a very creditable figure in their coun- 
 try, have been blown up at once, and destroyed by one 
 too bold stroke. I have seen more fail in this profession 
 from too great forwardness, than the contrary excess : for in 
 this calling, as in no other, a man should avoid a reputation 
 of excelling in it if he would turn it to any advantage. 
 There are some persons so famous for this art, that their 
 very mention of a story is sufficient to destroy the credit of 
 it. These can only scandalize by praising. It will be proper 
 always to have some regard to public notoriety, A — gyle's 
 valour and dignity, Ch — Id's wit, or D — ^ton's politeness, will 
 not be so Judiciously called in question. Such lies as these 
 should, if possible, be avoided. But this regards only the 
 lie scandalous; if you come to the lie panegyrical you need 
 set no bounds, 
 
 " It matters not how false or forc'd, 
 So the best things be said o' th' worst." 
 
 Here the assent of the world is of no consequence to 
 you ; your patron believes himself, and that is sufficient. You
 
 174 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 may lay on honour and beauty, and all manner of virtues 
 as thick as you please, you are not to consider what he is, 
 but what he should be, or what he would be thought. Those 
 are the perfections you are to compliment him with, and 
 you will scarce ever fail of success. 
 
 But, however fearless a liar may be of being contradicted 
 by others, he should always take especial care not to con- 
 tradict himself. Indeed, in being of both sides the question, 
 he must quit his occupation, and dabble in truth to which 
 he ought always to be a professed enemy. Yes, if he sees 
 it for his interest, provided there be some tolerable inter- 
 vention of time (not less than three months at least), he may 
 abuse the same man for vices which he has not, whom he 
 had before complimented with virtues that he had not. But 
 this requires great caution. 
 
 In spreading false news, especially defamation, care should 
 be taken in laying the scene. Thus he may, with great 
 intrepidity, at London, report any adventures from any place 
 a hundred miles distant. If he confines himself to this town, 
 he should at least lay the scene of his action at one part, 
 and report it in the other. 
 
 A fourth and last precept, which I shall here lay down, 
 is never to publish any lie in the presence of one who 
 knows the falsehood of it. This, besides its rendering it of 
 no effect, may possibly lead the liar into some inconveniences. 
 
 The second quality which equips a man out for preferment 
 is impudence, some indeed have called it the first. This 
 quality, or some degree of it at least, should be born with 
 a man, but as many are so unfortunate as to bring a very 
 slender share into the world with them, I shall communicate 
 such measures as are most proper to be taken in order to tlie 
 attaining it. 
 
 And first, as a neighbouring nation, how justly I will not 
 affirm, are famous for this excellence, it would not be amiss 
 to have the child suckled by an Irish nurse, whence it may 
 very regularly be conveyed to a French schoolmaster. At 
 the age of twelve at farthest, let him bo put to some attorney, 
 or rather solicitor. As the place of his education ought to
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 175 
 
 be in this town, let him go at all leisure times to the play- 
 house, especially when some of noted assurance act; if he 
 could have the liberty of going behind the scenes, it were 
 better, where he might have an opportunity of conversing 
 with the actresses, who are generally great mistresses in 
 this science. On Sundays he should be sure to frequent 
 the oratory. After he has been about two years with an 
 attorney, it were good to make him a page at court, or 
 ensign of the Foot Guards, he may here perform his exercises 
 at the play-house and oratory as before. It may be proper 
 also for him to frequent a French ordinary, and if he paid 
 now and then a visit or two to Westminster Hall in term 
 time, it were not amiss. Particular care should be taken 
 to keep him out of the way of all manner of learning, which 
 hath been found too apt to render men modest. Persons 
 who know the most, being always most diffident of them- 
 selves. The only schools he should therefore frequent are the 
 French school as above, a dancing school, and that celebrated 
 school of Mr. James Figg, where he will meet with the best 
 and properest company. I believe, if these rules were strictly 
 observed, we should see very few fail of arriving at this 
 excellence, which how neccessary it is to our preferment need 
 not be here explained. It is that with which no man can 
 fail, and without which no one can succeed. So true is that 
 of Hudibras, 
 
 " For he that has but impudence. 
 To all things has a just pretence." 
 
 How many persons have we seen make considerable figures 
 in the world by this endowment only ? 
 
 But it is possible for a person to be too impudent, at 
 least to be improperly so. When a man is once sure of 
 being thoroughly an adept in this science, that is, of having 
 utterly banished all shame, he may then trust himself with 
 the affectation of modesty ; for he is most truly and happily 
 impudent, who is so without appearing so. The impudent 
 person, as well as the liar, must succeed under the disguise, 
 the one of truth, and the other of modesty. It may indeed be
 
 176 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 sometimes proper to throw off this mask, but then great care 
 is to be taken to whom he is impudent. If he carries it no 
 farther than putting a modest young lady out of countenance 
 in a public assembly, provided she has no one by to defend 
 her, or to the roasting a man of real merit without assur- 
 ance; to mix, without any invitation, in the company of men 
 infinitely his superiors, or bear off, or, as others call it, put 
 a good face on his own notorious rogueries, I think it may 
 be allowed him; but he must take care not to mistake his 
 man, or even his woman. I have known the impudentest 
 of all fellows put to shame by a pretty repartee from a fair 
 lady, whom he had attempted to confound; and the same 
 person very severely used by one of his own sex, for exerting 
 that talent on him. In short, impudence is a horse, to which, 
 if you give the reins too loosely, he will be apt to run away 
 with you; but being well ordered and governed, will never 
 fail of carrying you to the top of your wishes. 
 
 A third ingredient in our politician must be ingratitude. 
 He must know no other tie but his interest, to which he 
 must at any time be ready to sacrifice his party or his 
 friend. He is to consider all the world as a set of designing 
 rogues, and all obligations conferred on him as done with a 
 view to the doer's own benefit, and that his was the least 
 consulted in them; but if any obligation should appear to be 
 of such a nature, that it is impossible to attribute it to any 
 of these vices, he is then to look on the person who conferred 
 it as a simple fellow, ta ascribe it to his weakness, and 
 instead of valuing, to despise him for it. This a man must 
 have the seeds of in himself, and cultivate by conversation 
 in the world. There are some men of such milky natures, 
 as Lady Macbeth says in Shakespeare, that it will be difficult 
 to bring them to this height of perfection; but such men I 
 reject, as utterly incapable of ever coming to any thing, 
 and proper only to be your disciples. 
 
 A man once thoroughly indued with these three qualities 
 of lying, impudence, and ingratitude, will, I believe, scarce 
 want any other titles to preferment and grandeur. As for 
 bravery, though some have succeeded well with it, who have
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 177 
 
 had no other virtues, as it may lead him into scrapes and 
 inconveniences he had better be without it; let him stick 
 close to these I have prescribed, and I fear not but he will 
 soon look down on all those who pursue such romantic 
 schemes as you have advanced. I am. Sir, 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 Saturday, February, 3, 1739-40. 
 " Totum in eo est, ut imperea tihi." — Cic. Tusc. Q. lib. 2. 
 
 The conquest of one's self is Justly preferred by wise 
 men to that of armies and kingdoms. This is that courage 
 which is so ardently recommended in our religion, and which, 
 however passive it may be in regard to others, is extremely 
 active with respect to one's self. Whoever carefully surveys 
 his own mind, will find suflficient enemies to combat within; 
 an army of obstinate passions that will hold him in tight 
 play, will often force his reason to retreat; and if they are 
 at length subdued, it will not be without much labour and 
 resolution. 
 
 This is a war, which cannot fail, I think, of affording great 
 pleasure to the victorious, but is attended with infinite 
 danger to the conquered. We have seen empires and king- 
 doms raising themselves again after the most entire defeats. 
 Eome soon retrieved her loss at Cannae, and France hath 
 repaired the rout of Hockstet. But in this war of the mind, 
 if reason once lose a battle, once suffer an absolute over- 
 throw, we seldom, if ever, see her exert herself again. A 
 triumphant passion is an active conqueror, never failing 
 to improve the victory, nor stopping, until it hath perfectly 
 subdued and rendered itself absolute master of the mind. 
 
 And, since we have seen such dreadful instances of the 
 tyranny of these victorious passions, what severe tribute they 
 exact, how cruelly they torture those who submit to their 
 yoke, it will be, I am persuaded, found our interest to stand 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 12
 
 178 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 to the battle manfully, to give no ground to the assailant, 
 nor quarter to the retreating. We can be guilty of no cruelty 
 in the pursuit of these enemies; forasmuch, as we are cer- 
 tain they omit none when the fight inclines to their side 
 The severest slavery imposed by men on one another is 
 light, in comparison of that under an overbearing passion. 
 
 Seeing, therefore, that this contention is so absolutely 
 necessary, and at the same time so difficult, it is well worth 
 our while to fortify ourselves against such attacks, to con- 
 sider by what means we may best resist the impulse of these 
 dangerous enemies, and arrive at that perfection which hath 
 been recommended by the wisest of antiquity, and fulfil that 
 glorious precept vince teipsum. 
 
 As it behoveth every prince, before he enters into a war, 
 to examine his own force, and strengthen himself with the 
 best and most powerful alliances, so it is the interest of 
 this our warrior to study well the strength of his own mind, 
 and to borrow all the assistance which philosophy can lend 
 him on this occasion. 
 
 I have been often surprised, that among all the divines 
 and philosophers, who have declaimed on this subject, few 
 or none have laid down any good rules for the attaining 
 so desirable a conquest. The former have ascribed all to 
 grace, and the latter to that consummate virtue of the 
 Stoics, which was able to do all things. They have both 
 trumpeted out much on this head, and sufficiently demon- 
 strated the great glory of our self -conquest. But, b}^ their 
 leave, this is acting little unlike to a physician who should 
 sing forth the praises of health, when he should prescribe 
 men the method of attaining it; or a guide, who instead 
 of showing him the way to London, should entertain a 
 traveller with the great beauty and magnificence of the 
 place. 
 
 I shall therefore attempt here to lay down some rules 
 whereby we may proceed to the attaining what I think 
 needs no recommendation to the pursuit of. 
 
 The economy of the body hath been often compared to 
 that of the state, so may also that of the mind; as a just
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 1^9 
 
 balance of power can only support any degree of liberty 
 in a political constitution, so must the exact balance of 
 the passions preserve order and regularity in the mind. 
 It is therefore the business of every man, carefully to con- 
 sider to what side the scale leans, otherwise he will be 
 hurried away before he is aware, and perhaps, while he 
 comforts himself that he is neither hurtful, nor covetous, nor 
 cruel, pride is imperceptibly getting the ascendant over him, 
 and laying such a foundation for universal empire in his 
 mind, as it will be afterwards difficult for him to destroy. 
 
 This self-examination is by no means easy to be well 
 executed: a man may be thoroughly acquainted with the 
 policies of the world, may be a perfect master of the interests 
 and designs of all the princes in Europe, and yet an utter 
 stranger to what is doing in that little state within his own 
 breast. It is a knowledge perhaps of all the most difficultly 
 attained. Our passions are subtle politicians, and when they 
 find the man on his guard, will act in the most cunning and 
 disguised manner. It hath been observed, that we often mis- 
 take the actions of others, as good or evil, from not knowing 
 the springs whence those actions proceed : but what if we are 
 as great strangers to the springs of even our own actions! 
 If we mistake avarice for parsimony, profuseness for liberal- 
 ity, pride for honour, and so of the rest! This is a deceit 
 which our passions often put upon the most cautious, and 
 against which we ought to be daily on our guard. 
 
 When the enemy is thus discovered, we must not be lazy 
 or backward in opposing him. It is easier to obstruct a foe 
 in his landing, than to attack him when drawn up in battle 
 array, or to drive him successfully out of the first trench 
 than out of the last. Every inch of ground gives fresh 
 courage to him that advances, and takes it from him that 
 retreats. It is well said, " He that looketh on a woman, so 
 as to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with 
 her in his heart." For, not to understand this, according 
 to the generally supposed meaning, that the least degree of 
 vice gives a taint to the mind, it will be always found much 
 easier to resist the first impression of evil, than to root it out
 
 180 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 when it hath got the least footing. No passion attacks us at 
 first "with that violence, which it afterwards assumes. It 
 steals imperceptibly into our minds, and seldom declares 
 itself until certain of the victory. 
 
 Nothing can conduce more effectually to our defence 
 against these invasions, than a right knowledge of the 
 methods which our passions take in attacking us. The most 
 usual way is, I believe, to dazzle our eyes by the immediate 
 glare of the object before us, so as to hurry us on to action, 
 without giving our understanding leisure to consider and 
 weigh the consequence. Lust especially acts in this way. I 
 have heard the most abandoned libertines, when they have 
 been drawn into the least cool consideration, confess their 
 folly, and condemn themselves. Indeed, if a man would set 
 before his eyes the ideas of pain, disease, dishonour, poverty, 
 death, and all the frightful ideas of those miseries, which the 
 least indulgence of this passion will almost certainly bring 
 upon him, he must be very fool-hardy to give way to it; 
 but he is allured and charmed with the hopes of the imme- 
 diate possession of a desirable object, with the satisfaction 
 of the most violent of all desires; he looks not beyond the 
 present moment which promises him perfect happiness. 
 Could his reason say to him, 
 
 " Aspice, namque oculis quce nunc ohducta tuenti 
 Mortales hebetat visus, clauditque videre 
 Nubem eripiam," 
 
 he would scarce fall into the snare. Did a man, when 
 
 first attacked by avarice, consider the eternal watchings, care, 
 fear, heart-aches, all the pains and terrors which that passion 
 must infallibly bring upon him, he would be safe from its 
 dominion; but his passions have dazzled his reason, with 
 showing the beautiful objects near and in a full blaze, while 
 the other ideas are kept at a distance, and out of his sight. 
 Eevenge, which Dr. South calls, " The most delicious morsel 
 that the devil ever dropped into the mouth of a sinner," 
 works strongly in this way. If a man once dare consider and 
 make use of his reason, this passion, unless in very depraved
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 181 
 
 natures, loses all its force. Pride, which is a subtle and 
 alluring flatterer, is of all the most necessitated to this way 
 of proceeding. Pride indeed is not only obliged to hide 
 from us the evils which attend her, she must also hide a man 
 from himself; for did he once consider his own mind, and 
 the wretchedness of his condition; did he compare himself 
 with others; nay, with the very beasts of the field; I believe, 
 most of us would laugh this ridiculous passion out of our 
 minds. I shall mention but one more, which acts in a con- 
 trary manner from all the rest. They strive to allure and 
 flatter us into compliance, but fear is a blustering bully, and 
 endeavours to frighten and terrify us into obedience. And 
 this, however, by methods as vain and as deceitful as the 
 rest; and which requires us only to exert our reason to 
 subdue : for, if we examine thoroughly the evils with which 
 it threatens us, and those it certainly brings upon us, we 
 shall find the latter to be much the heavier and greater of 
 the two. 
 
 Tuesday, February 5, 1739-40. 
 " Jurgatur verbis." — Hoe. 
 
 I WAS waked this morning by a very great noise, which, in 
 my first confusion, I imagined to have been thunder; but, 
 recollecting it was a season of the year when that rarely 
 happens, I began to think the great guns were firing on some 
 public solemnity; till at last, I was very much surprised, and 
 I believe the reader vsdll be so too, to understand that this 
 dreadful hurricane was nothing more than my wife Joan, 
 who was laying about her with great vigour, and exercising 
 her lungs on a maid-servant for the benefit of my family. 
 
 This good woman is one of those notable house-wives, 
 whom the careless part of the world distinguish by the name 
 of a scold. This musical talent of hers, when we were first 
 married, did not so well agree with me. I have often
 
 183 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 thought myself in the cave of iEolus, or perhaps wished my- 
 self there on account of this wind-music; but it is now be- 
 come so habitual to me^ that I am little more alarmed at it, 
 than a garrison at the tattoo or reveille; indeed, I have, I 
 thank God, for these thirty years last past, seldom laid my- 
 self down, or rose up without it; all the capitulations I have 
 made are, that she would keep the garrison-hours, and not 
 disturb my repose by such her performances. 
 
 It hath been remarked by some naturalists, that Nature 
 hath given all creatures some arms for their defence; some 
 are armed with horns, some with tusks, some with claws, 
 some with strength, others with swiftness, and the tongue 
 may, I think, be properly said to be the arms which Nature 
 has bestowed on a woman. 
 
 This weapon, however harmless it may appear, is generally 
 found sufficient, as well for all offensive as defensive pur- 
 poses. I think it is the wisest of men that says, " Beware of 
 an evil tongue." A scold is very often dreaded by her whole 
 neighbourhood, and I much question whether my wife's 
 tongue be not as great a terror to all her acquaintance as 
 my cudgel can be. 
 
 The wisdom of our legislature seems so sensible of the 
 danger of this weapon when wantonly used, being indeed 
 little less tlian a sword in a madman's hands ; that, in certain 
 districts, they have erected over canals a wooden stool, 
 wherein, the offender being placed, is to be very severely 
 ducked; which kind of punishment, as it stops the mouth 
 of the scold, so it also seems to intimate the violence of this 
 weapon, whose force, like that of fire, can only be extin- 
 guished by water. 
 
 Dr. Plot, in his Natural History of Staffordshire, gives the 
 following account of the method of curing scolds at New- 
 castle and "Walsall, " Which method (says he) so effectually, 
 and so very safely does it, that I look upon it as much to 
 be preferred to the ducking-stool, which not only endangers 
 the health of the party, but also gives the tongue liberty 
 'twixt every dip ; to neither of which this is at all liable ; it 
 being such a bridle for the tongue, as not only quite deprives
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 183 
 
 them of speech, but brings shame for the transgression, and 
 humility thereupon, before 'tis taken off. Which being an 
 instrument scarce heard of, much less seen, I have here pre- 
 sented it to the reader's view. Tab. 32. Fig. 9, as it was taken 
 from the original one, made of iron, at Newcastle-under- 
 Lymo. "\Mierein the letter a, shows the jointed collar that 
 •comes round the neck; h, c, the loops and staples, to let it 
 out and in, according to the bigness and slenderness of the 
 neck; d^ the jointed semi-circle that comes over the head, 
 made forked at one end to let through the nose; and e, the 
 plate of iron that is put into the mouth, and keeps down the 
 tongue. Which being put upon the offender by order of the 
 magistrate, and fastened with a padlock behind, she is led 
 round the town by an officer to her shame; nor is it taken 
 off, until after the party begins to show all external signs 
 imaginable of humiliation and amendment." I am very 
 sorry I have not an opportunity to give my fair readers, and 
 particularly my own wife, a representation of the figure 
 referred to, in this paper, but shall advise all who may be 
 any wise concerned to consult it in the doctor's book, as I ap- 
 prehend it may tend very much to edification. 
 
 A certain ingenious and learned gentleman, some years 
 since, published a very elaborate treatise on The Art of 
 Altercation or Scolding, wherein he proved, much to its 
 honour, that the gods, goddesses, and heroes of the ancients, 
 "were great proficients therein, and produced several passages 
 from Homer and others, where Juno, Venus, Pallas, &c., 
 fight (to express myself in a proper language on this occa- 
 sion) very handsome bouts thereat. 
 
 For my own part, I cannot help thinking that several very 
 good effects are produced from this practice. My wife Joan 
 tells me, that, on going into any family, we may easily see, 
 by the regularity and order of affairs, whether the mistress 
 of the house be a scold or not; to which perhaps the old 
 adage concerning the best mustard may allude. 
 
 A very ingenious clerg}'man of the Church of England 
 hath assured me, that he found a very sensible alteration 
 (for the better) in his parishioners, upon the settlement of a
 
 184 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 very excellent scold among them. Whatever vice or enorm- 
 ity any in the parish were guilty of, they were very sure 
 of hearing it, as the proverb says, " On both sides of their 
 ears," by this good woman; who, the doctor very pleasantly 
 assured me, did more towards the preservation of good man- 
 ners by these daily lectures which she exhibited gratis in the 
 streets, than he could by all his sermons in the pulpit. 
 
 I believe it hath been often found, that men, whom the 
 preservation of their healths and fortunes, nay, even the 
 very terror of the laws could not restrain from extravagency, 
 have owed their reformation to a curtain-lecture. I do re- 
 member, when I was a young fellow, to have heard a man 
 excuse himself for retiring early from his debauched com- 
 panions, by saying, " Gentlemen, you know I have a wife 
 at home." 
 
 Nor is this practice as it hath been represented, confined 
 within the precincts of Billingsgate, or the lower orb of 
 people only. There are scolds of all ranks and degrees, and 
 I have known a Right Honourable, who could be heard all 
 over a large palace to her praise with great facility. 
 
 Notwithstanding what has been here said, it is very cer- 
 tain, that this, as well as other customs, however good in 
 itself, hath sometimes been used to evil purposes, and that a 
 too sonorous tongue hath often made a pretty face a very dis- 
 agreeable companion. On such occasions, I have known 
 several devices practised with good success, nor do I think I 
 can sufficiently applaud the ingenuity of a certain gentleman, 
 who used to accompany his wife's voice with a violin, there- 
 by turning what another would have esteemed a harsh enter- 
 tainment into a very agreeable concert.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 185 
 
 Thursday, February 7, 1739-40. 
 " Veniunt a dote sagitta:." — Juvenal. 
 
 To Mrs. Joan Vinegar. 
 
 Madam, — I know not any one person to whom the un- 
 happy and injured of your sex may more properly apply 
 for relief, than to yourself. The interest you must be sup- 
 posed to have in that invincible champion Captain Hercules 
 Vinegar, who seems resolved, with his victorious pen, to 
 lash mankind into humanity, hath thrown it happily into 
 your power to contribute to the redressing all the injuries we 
 suffer from mankind; whom nothing Avill so effectually re- 
 form, as that dread which they have of your husband, when 
 he hath once declared himself our champion. I beg, there- 
 fore, madam, you would be so good as to represent to him 
 my unfortunate case. About six years ago, I was left a 
 widow in the thirtieth year of my age; and, as I think, the 
 prime of my life, in the possession of a jointure of about 800Z. 
 a year, and a considerable sum of ready money in my 
 pocket. This, after the shock which I really bore at the 
 loss of none of the best of husbands, made my estate pretty 
 comfortable, and I began to be esteemed in as happy condi- 
 tion as any woman in the country. The time being once 
 past, wherein decency obliges us to distinguish ourselves 
 by the outward dress of mourning, I soon received several 
 offers from the neighbouring country gentlemen, who seemed 
 to think the situation of my estates so convenient for them, 
 that they were willing to purchase at the rate of maintaining 
 a wife at a very moderate expense out of them. My fortune 
 was too easy already to make me listen to any match, merely 
 on the account of riches, and as these lovers did not attack me 
 with any other baits, I found it no very great difficulty to 
 withstand them. Besides, madam, I will own to you, I had 
 that foolish desire which too frequently prevails among us, 
 of making a blaze in the world, and enjoying the triumph
 
 186 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 of a crowd of well-dressed admirers, the certain portion of 
 every young widow who is tolerably handsome, and can sup- 
 port any figure in the town. "With this foolish ambition I 
 came up to London, where I insensibly fell into the full 
 possession of what I desired. I became the general mark of 
 admiration among the men, and envy among the women. 
 I received the bows, the sighs, the ogles of the beaus, as 
 so much homage due to my beauty, which made me still more 
 sensible of my own merit, but gave me no impression of 
 theirs. My heart remained quite free and unengaged. Oh ! 
 that it had still done so ! but alas ! it was my fate to be 
 acquainted with that too false, too artful, and too agreeable 
 Bellarmine. He soon made me perceive that my heart had 
 held out unhurt against many attacks, not so much from the 
 invincible strength of the fortress, as from the weakness of 
 the assailants. Bellarmine is possessed of a talent, against 
 which few women can be secure, of making you pleased 
 with him, by persuading you that he has a sincere passion for 
 you; at the same time that he makes you more pleased with 
 yourself, for possessing those many excellences, which Ee 
 insinuates could only make an impression on a heart, hither- 
 to so secure from the charms of the whole sex. To this, with 
 a most agreeable person he joined the most vigilant assiduity. 
 I could scarce cast my eyes any where but I saw him. At 
 court, assembly, opera, play, park, still Bellarmine was be- 
 fore me, still entertaining me. In short, I was soon con- 
 vinced that he was the most agreeable man in the world, 
 and had the sincerest passion for me. This warmed my 
 heart to a generous disregard of his circumstances; I con- 
 sidered only bis merit, and thought of nothing more than 
 how to reward it. I married him. To prevent the foolish 
 ceremonies of visits on this occasion, and to enjoy one an- 
 other's conversations undisturbed, we retired immediately 
 into the country. Here his behaviour to me was so full of 
 fondness, his conversation so full of tenderness, his looks, 
 his words, his actions, so kind and so obliging, that I began 
 to think myself the happiest woman upon earth. All ridicu- 
 lous notions of power and triumph vanished from my mind.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 187 
 
 and my whole thoughts were bent on nothing but hov/ to add 
 continually to his happiness who was so entirely the cause 
 of mine. But how many years do you think, madam this 
 scene continued? Truly no longer than three months. At 
 the end of which, he told me a journey to London would be 
 very requisite to settle some affairs there. As he said his 
 stay would be short, I did not solicit to be taken with him, 
 though I proposed to myself no other pleasure till his 
 return, than what the daily expectation of it could afford 
 me. The tender sentiments which he had so often ex- 
 pressed to me, while we were together, still survived in his 
 letters; but alas! these grew less and less frequent, as the 
 length of his absence made the uneasiness of my mind more 
 and more require their consolation. When I pressed his 
 return, he grew cool, and answered that business must be 
 preferred to pleasure; with other invidious reflections of the 
 same nature, which are the severest insults on a passionate 
 affection. Six months had now past, when he returned; 
 alas ! who returnedT? Not the fond, the tender Bellarmine. 
 No, a cold, peevish, cruel husband ; nothing that I could say 
 or do had power to please him. All the little efforts of fond- 
 ness, which had once so many charms in his eye, were pished 
 at and termed folly. He found fault with every thing. His 
 dinners were always ill-contrived and ill-dressed; happy was 
 the man who married a good housewife. When I had spent 
 a whole morning at my toilet to please him, lord, I was the 
 awkwardest creature; such a thing was ungenteel; I looked 
 wretchedly; and a thousand other upbraidings, which ill- 
 nature generally couches under the name of advice, though 
 they are really said with no other design than of giving 
 pain to the person they are spoken to. But alas ! this lasted 
 not long neither; for, in one fortnight, business called him 
 away again, and he left me big with child, and in the com- 
 pany of an old aunt, who was every day throwing in my 
 teeth, the folly I had committed in so disadvantageous a 
 match. In vain I solicited him to suffer me to go to town. 
 No, such journeys were expensive, we were young and likely 
 to have a great family, and must take care not to starve our
 
 188 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 children. It was now that my eyes began to be opened, 
 
 that I looked with horror on my dreadful condition, that I 
 repented that giddy fondness which had thrown myself and 
 my fortune into the power of a man who now hated and 
 despised me. It will be more easy than pleasant for a 
 good-natured reader to guess how I passed my time till my 
 lying-in was over. During which time, though near two 
 months distance, I received no more than two letters from 
 Bellarmine, one of which I shall here transcribe. 
 
 MADA]\r, — I received your letter, in which you say, the 
 melancholy of your mind is no very good physic for your 
 present unhappy condition. Your condition is such as all 
 wives must expect, and I think the trouble you bear 
 of bringing children into the world is a slight balance of 
 what we bear in providing for them. I am surprised you 
 should want money again so soon, and wish you would 
 lessen your expenses. I cannot help saying, that the keeping 
 a mid-wife in the house is a monstrous extravagance. I 
 laugh at your telling me, that some wives, in your case, 
 would come to London without leave; you very wisely add, 
 that nothing, but the last extremity, shall force you to such 
 measures. As for my leaving this town; at present it is im- 
 possible, nor do I see of any service I can be to you. 1 
 
 shall always do what I think my duty. But the foolish fond- 
 ness of a wife shall never over-rule the reason of, 
 Madam, 
 
 Your affectionate husband, 
 
 And humble servant, 
 
 Bellarmine. 
 
 Guess, dear madam, for pity's sake guess, the terrible 
 effect this letter had on me, written from a man for whom 
 I had done all in my power; to whom I had given my 
 person, fortune, all; sent to me at such a time, in such cir- 
 cumstances; but I will not try to aggravate them. 1 re- 
 covered from that danger, to which nature has rendered 
 pur sex only liable; but alas! to what did I recover, but
 
 ARTICLES IW THE CHAMPION 189 
 
 to experience greater scenes of misery, continual fresh in- 
 stances of Bellarmine's cruelty and ingratitude: for I have 
 certain information, that, while I am supporting here a 
 miserable life without company, without conveniences, nay, 
 almost without the necessaries of life, my husband is wasting 
 my fortune in the arms of a strumpet. My aunt, who has 
 the Captain's papers constantly sent to her, has advised me 
 of this application to you. For heaven's sake try if you can 
 prevail on the Captain, with whom you have such visible 
 power, to attempt something in my favour. A word or two 
 of his may do much, and since the publishing this letter 
 in his paper may have some effect, I hope that will not be 
 denied to 
 
 Madam, 
 
 Your most obedient. 
 
 And humble servant, 
 
 Amanda. 
 
 Saturday, February 9, 1739-40. 
 
 Qucccunque viris, vobis quoque dicta, puellce, 
 
 Credite." — OvH). Rem. Amob. 
 
 Mes. Joan Vinegar, Greeting. 
 
 Our whole family was highly alarm.ed this morning by 
 the Captain having, vdth a very angry voice, commanded 
 the cudgel to be taken down. As I am the only one who 
 dare look him in the face on these occasions, I, in a very 
 humble manner, and with tears in my eyes, begged him to 
 tell me the cause of all that passion with which he appeared 
 to be so inflamed; or why he had ordered the cudgel to he 
 unchained. At first, his eyes seemed to chide me for being 
 so inquisitive, but, having taken two or three turns, and 
 cooled himself, as is his custom, with a huge dram of brandy, 
 he took me tenderly by the hand, and spoke thus : " Will 
 you wonder, my dear, at the cause of my ordering down the
 
 190 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 cudgel, when you hear that I have read the letter you had 
 so just a reason to desire to publish? Can you imagine that 
 I am insensible to poor Amanda's wrongs, or that I will 
 suffer such a villain as her husband to pass unpunished? 
 It was, Mrs. Vinegar, for the correction of such offences as 
 these, which our imperfect laws have provided no remedy 
 against, that I entered upon that office, with which I have 
 honoured myself, and which I have hitherto, with such glory, 
 executed. Besides, when I first declared myself a Champion, 
 I had an especial regard to the defence of the beautiful 
 part of our species, whose weakness is too often injured by 
 the usurped power of our sex. Believe me^ they shall never 
 be oppressed with impunity while Captain Vinegar lives. — 
 Bring me the cudgel." — At that word, I threw myself at his 
 feet, and entreated him to suspend, at least, the execution 
 of his wrath. I told him, I was far from trying to excuse 
 the crimes of x\manda's husband, but that I feared the zeal 
 which he had always shown for our sex might hurry him too 
 far, that we ourselves were often highly deficient in matri- 
 monial duties; and lastly, I begged him, before he took that 
 terrible weapon in his hand, to read the following letter, 
 which I delivered to him, and, at last, prevailed with him to 
 run through. 
 
 To Mrs. Joan Vinegar. 
 
 Madam, — I am a young woman, very few months more 
 than five and twenty, and am married to a man several 
 years older than myself. This, madam, you must know, I 
 consented to contrary to my inclinations; I cannot say I 
 was forced, having been entirely mistress of myself; but can. 
 affirm, that I was over-persuaded by my acquaintance, who 
 all urged the vast advantage which would accrue to me by 
 his infinitely superior fortune. Now, madam, as I married 
 him entirely on that account, I think it is very reasonable I 
 should enjoy it ; but alas ! I might as well have been tied 
 to the poorest wretch on earth, for any benefit which arises 
 to me from his riches. He confines me, almost nine months 
 in the year, in the country, where, at least two whole days
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 191 
 
 in the week, I have not one human creature, besides him- 
 self, to converse with. We have been miserable these six 
 years, and in all that time would you believe it, dear Mrs. 
 Vinegar, I have been but twice at Tunbridge, and three 
 times at the Bath, though it is very well known, that he has 
 an estate of 1,200/. a year, and there is a widow lady, whose 
 seat is in our neighbourhood, who, with a jointure of half 
 that sum, goes regularly every season from London to Tun- 
 bridge, from Tunbridge to Bath, and from thence to London 
 again. In short, she has not spent three months at her seat 
 since I have been her neighbour. Not long ago, on my 
 complaining to him of the dull, stupid life we led, he had 
 the assurance to tell me, he thought a woman might spend 
 some part of her time amongst her children (for I have 
 had four by the odious creature) ; and yet, notwithstanding, 
 I think it very plain by this ill usage, that he hates me 
 entirely, and I assure you, I am not one bit behind-hand 
 with him; such are our laws, that it is impossible for me 
 to obtain a divorce. What shall I do? Dear Mrs. Vinegar, 
 order the Captain to cudgel him soundly, and I assure you, 
 any favour in my power shall be granted him in return, by 
 
 His and your humble servant^ 
 
 Flantinella. 
 
 P.S. — He need not bring his cudgel with him, for I can 
 supply him with one. 
 
 Having read this letter, he stood for some time silent, but, 
 at last, recovering his former countenance, " Well, child," 
 says he, " I own you have here a convincing proof, that 
 wives have their faults as well as husbands ; but sure, you will 
 not say, that the foibles of Flantinella excuse the crimes of 
 Bellarmine." — "No, my dear," replied I, "but I may be 
 allowed to think, that the foibles, as you gently term them, of 
 Flantinella, reach very near to those of Bellarmine, and per- 
 haps that they do not exceed them is not her fault. I find 
 her every way a libertine to the utmost of her power; or, 
 am I certain that Bellarmine is not in some light the less
 
 192 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 culpable? From the confession of Amanda we may con- 
 clude, that her husband had at her marriage a real passion 
 for her, though it afterwards changed to another object; 
 whereas, Flantinella never appears to have had any liking 
 to her husband either before or after their marriage; she 
 frankly owns that his riches were the only incitements to 
 her consent. Indeed, they are in the end both equally 
 criminal, both ungrateful to their benefactors, both working 
 the misery of those to whom they owe all their happiness. 
 And, I think, it were to be wished, that there were some 
 law to punish the fortune hunters of both sexes, who seek 
 to advance themselves by marriage without any regard to 
 the happiness of the person through whom they effect it. I 
 would inform Bellarmine, that when the charming Amanda 
 preferred him to her crowd of admirers, and threw herself 
 and fortune, all into his power, without any other view, than 
 what I think a very reasonable one in any who confers a 
 benefit, of meeting a return of her affection for him, I say, 
 I would inform Mr. Bellarmine, that he received at that 
 time at her hands, almost the greatest obligation which it 
 is in the power of human nature to bestow. What then 
 must his ingratitude be, who is the cause of making this 
 creature, to whom he is so infinitely obliged, the most 
 miserable of her species? But then you will own, my dear, 
 that the pretty Flantinella has been no less obliged, nor is 
 she less guilty of ingratitude. Wherefore, I humbly beseech 
 you, that if you are resolved to cudgel Bellarmine, I may 
 apply the same to Flantinella. Though if I might be per- 
 mitted to advise, as all severe proceedings only leave wider 
 these wounds: (for when love must be the remedy, harsh 
 methods must be in the highest degree hurtful:) leave them 
 a while to ponder on what has been here said; which, with 
 your permission, I will to-morrow give the public. Per- 
 haps, a review of their vices, together with the terror of 
 your arms, may reclaim them ; at least, it will not be too late, 
 should these methods fail, to apply force at last ; for severity 
 loses not its strength by delay." The Captain, upon this, 
 smiled, and embracing me affectionately, said, " My dearest
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 193 
 
 Joan, who art an instance of the trutli of that excellent 
 proverb of the wise Solomon, ' Whoso findeth a wife, findeth 
 a good thing, and obtaineth favour from the Lord.' Heaven 
 was industrious for my happiness, when, to allay the vast 
 impetuosity of my temper, it gave me the prudent coolness 
 of thine; I will suffer myself to be over-ruled by your 
 reasons ; " and immediately he gave orders to have the 
 cudgel chained up again. 
 
 Tuesday, February 12, 1739-40. 
 
 " Tu, quid ego et mecum populus desideret, audi." — HoBACE. 
 
 To Captain Hercules Vinegar. 
 
 Sir, — Nothing is a greater proof of the general fondness 
 in mankind for scandal, than their readiness to extend any 
 censure which may be justly incurred by a particular member 
 of a profession to the profession itself. Hence it is, that we 
 so often hear general invectives thrown out against three 
 learned bodies, to whom the care of our property, and of 
 our wealth, both spiritual and temporal, is committed; for 
 amongst such numbers of men, it will be impossible to 
 prevent the intervening of some of depraved inclinations, 
 even amongst those who are more especially set apart for 
 the service of the Divine Being, who are indeed called to 
 that holy office, and consequently are endowed with a double 
 portion of His spirit, by whatsoever names or titles they 
 may be dignified or distinguished. 
 
 For this reason, good men have sometimes rather chosen 
 to conceal the crimes of individuals, than to be the inno- 
 cent occasion of bringing aspersions on a whole society of 
 men; and, as, amongst those three professions, the law hath 
 more especially experienced this love of calumny, I thought 
 it necessary to premise somewhat before the following ac- 
 cusation of an unworthy brother of that class, for which I 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 13
 
 194 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 have so unfeigned and so well-merited an esteem, wtose 
 name however I shall yet conceal; in hopes, if possible, of 
 his amendment. 
 
 Without farther preface, I am a freeholder of a manor, 
 in that part of Great Britain called England, the lord of 
 which is a man of an unexceptionable good character, and 
 heartily desirous of protecting his tenants in all their im- 
 munities; but, as he hath so large an estate, that it is 
 impossible for him personally to inspect all parts of it, he is 
 obliged to retain a steward, and, unhappily for his poor 
 tenants, hath fixed on an attorney for that purpose, who, as 
 it hath since turned out, proves not only deficient in the 
 knowledge of his business, but also labours under a sus- 
 picion of too familiar a correspondence with some neigh- 
 bouring lords. 
 
 In one of the adjacent manors there stands a coppice, by 
 the side of which our lord's tenants have an undoubted 
 right to pass, and, for time out of mind, have passed and 
 repassed to and from market with waggons and other con- 
 venient carriages. It hath been reported, that some idle 
 fellows of our parish have taken an opportunity, as they 
 returned home late, to cut and carry away certain logs of 
 wood out of this coppice; whether this be true or no I will 
 not determine, but, be that as it will, I will venture to say 
 nothing was ever more unjustifiable than the measures which 
 that lord took to defend himself, by seizing our waggons, 
 under a pretence that they were made of his wood; and 
 impounding our horses, as taken damage- faisant in his own 
 manor, where they were very barbarously used, and had 
 their ears cropped. 
 
 Upon these outrages, wherein I was a very particular 
 sufferer, I applied to the steward, and desired him to bring 
 an action against the lord of the manor: his answer was, 
 that the lord was his intimate acquaintance, and that he 
 doubted not but he should procure me ample reparation 
 without having recourse to law, which he said was a very 
 precarious and expensive remedy, that he would negotiate 
 matters with his steward, and did not fear success ; especially
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 195 
 
 as he had a good correspondence with the lord's wife, who 
 governed her husband. This satisfied me for some time, till, 
 hearing nothing from him, and the like violences being daily 
 repeated on me, I renewed my application. He now altered 
 his tone, and shaking his head, told me, he was afraid I 
 was one of the fellows who cut the wood; and, for bringing 
 a replevin, he added with a sneer, that, since my horses' 
 ears were cut off, it would be impracticable for me to re- 
 cover them, since they were now no longer horses in the 
 eye of the law; for that one, Littleton (I think that was 
 the man's name), says. That a horse is an entire thing, and 
 not capable of being severed. 
 
 He added more to the same purpose, till I lost all patience, 
 and, after having asserted my innocence, I positively insisted 
 that he should follow my instructions, or I would employ 
 another attorney; this startled him, when, changing his 
 voice a little, he said: If I would go to law, I should go to 
 law, and bidding me take notice, it was no law-suit of his, 
 which he hoped I would remember when his bill of costs come 
 to be paid, he promised to send for a writ. 
 
 Several months past before I could hear of any arrest 
 being made, or any writ served on the defendant, who still 
 persisted in his injurious behaviour with additional inso- 
 lence, while I was laughed at by all the neighbouring parishes, 
 as one who did not dare to do himself justice. Upon this, I 
 made such vigorous applications to the attorney, that he 
 thought proper to delay the affair no longer; indeed, he 
 now set about it like a man who was in earnest: I am not 
 well versed in law proceedings, but, soon after he had taken 
 out a writ, he made a thing, which they call, I think, a 
 declaration, in which there was a set of words sufhcient to 
 frighten a man, not oVer-timorous, out of his wits, swords, 
 staves, and knives, were, I remember, therein mentioned : to 
 this the defendant, as my attorney informed me, put in 
 what he called a special plea, justifying all his insults, and 
 making me the aggressor, pretending that he had a right 
 to seize all waggons which passed too near the hedges of 
 his coppice, to which my said attorney advised me to demur;
 
 196 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 but, on consulting the Dictionary of Law put forth by Mr. 
 Giles Jacob, I conceived this was only intended to delay 
 my cause: I therefore insisted on having it brought to a 
 speedy trial; on which my attorney, being resolved to put 
 me to as much expense as possible, fell to work like a 
 madman, and subpoened half the parish, at the same time 
 distributing fees to all manner of council, and to some, who, 
 as I have heard, would never have been employed by any 
 other. I now thought my affairs would have been decided, 
 and I should have obtained some satisfaction of the defend- 
 ant, to whom he had given notice of trial; but, to my great 
 surprise, meeting several of my evidence, whom he had to 
 my great cost, brought up to town, walking idly about St. 
 James's Park, and acquainting them that my cause would 
 certainly come on in a day or two, one of them told me, 
 that my said attorney talked of bringing matters to a 
 reference. This incensed me to such a degree, that I went 
 directly to him, and, after a severe reprimand, told him that 
 I was resolved to rely on the merits of my cause, the 
 strength of my evidence, and the verdict of an English 
 jury: he then whispered in my ear, that if I proceeded, I 
 should certainly bring the Lord Paramount on my back, who 
 had been heard to say, that the defendant was in the right, 
 
 and that I had better be quiet; I hastily answered, a f 1 
 
 for my Lord Paramount, if my cause be just, we have a 
 good lord of our own, who will stand by his tenants, and 
 I am determined to go to trial. Well, says he, you shall 
 go to trial then, and the next day down he sent a new set 
 of subpoenas, which method he repeated as often as I in- 
 sisted on bringing the matter to a decision. In short, he 
 has now subpcened almost the whole parish, who are all in 
 town at my expense, scarce people enough being left behind 
 to carry on the daily labours of husbandry: notwithstanding 
 which, I see no likelihood of any trial, though, at the same 
 time, the defendant is playing the devil with me, and laughs 
 at my law-suit, while my attorney says, it is all of my own 
 seeking, that I would not be advised by him, that he was 
 always against my going to law, that the Lord Paramount
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 197 
 
 is going to fall upon me, for all which 1 may thank myself ; 
 nay I am told, he shakes his sides among his clerks, and 
 asks in derision, if I have had enough of law already, which 
 I was so very eager to enter into? and that if I have not, 
 he'll give me enough of it, with other sarcasms of this kind. 
 
 But what vexes me more than all is, that if I, or the 
 other tenants offer to complain, he says we fly in the face 
 of the lord, for whom we have all of us the most perfect 
 love and respect; and I am certain, if he did but know 
 how his steward has used us, he would discard him; and, 
 indeed, it would be very much his interest so to do, for, 
 when his tenants are ruined, his manor will be little worth, 
 but alas ! the steward has his ear, and we have not : however, 
 I am now assured, that my cause will be brought on soon, 
 and that I shall recover damages: if the contrary should 
 happen, I hope the attorney will not take it ill, when I 
 move the court to have my papers taken out of his hands; 
 for I have been lately told, that though he manage matters 
 well enough at the sessions, and hath an admirable knack 
 at settling rates, his knowledge in the law is very superficial, 
 and he is no ways equal to the conducting an action. 
 
 I shall conclude as I begun, by desiring you or your 
 readers not to apply what I have here said to all attorneys 
 in general, several of whom undoubtedly behave with great 
 honour to their clients, nay, I myself know some, into whose 
 hands if I had put my affairs, they would have long since 
 brought the defendant to reason; but, at present, my affairs 
 are in such confusion, that I am afraid I shall get no one 
 to undertake them. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Yours, &c.
 
 198 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Thursday, February 14, 1739-40. 
 " Tractant fabrilia fabri." — Horace. 
 
 Mr. ISTehemiah Vinegar^ Greeting. 
 
 I have lately received several liints from my correspond- 
 ents, earnestly entreating me to apply myself to politics, 
 though they assign different reasons. One part of them 
 telling me, that if I had any love for my country, I should 
 not be still at this season, when poverty like a deluge seems 
 breaking in on the whole nation, when trade is almost at 
 a stand, and our manufactures at an end; when the poor are 
 a greater burthen than the land tax was last year on our 
 estates, and yet are but scantily provided for. "When luxury 
 hath insinuated itself amongst all ranks of people, and in- 
 troduced her daughter corruption along with her. When 
 the poor, slavish, racked tenant, with all industry and suc- 
 cess, can scarce pay his rent, and waits but a year of general 
 plenty or dearth to be undone, when his landlord languishes 
 for quarter-day, to pay his hungry tradesman, who is as 
 impatiently solicited by his merchant; the two last of which 
 live as much beyond their gains, as the gentleman beyond 
 his estate, when a prodigious debt, a useless army, an im- 
 mense fleet, and dreadful taxes to support them, when 
 a dilatory war, formidable enemies, and suspicious allies 
 hover over us. When i******* 
 when * * * ^jj^ when * * * * 
 * * * * at this time these writers tell me, 
 if I had any public spirit, I should call it forth, and not 
 amuse the town with essays of virtue and vice, words which 
 have lost their ideas a great while. 
 
 Another set of my correspondents assert, that a more 
 favourable opportunity was never given for panegyric than 
 the present, that we have as strong fleets as heart could 
 
 ^ This part of the letter was writ so eagerly, and with such zeal, 
 that it was not legible.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 199 
 
 wish, and as fine an army as a man would desire to see 
 on a summer's day, which we shortly are to see encamped, 
 without going a great way for the sight, that every thing is 
 in the most flourishing condition, and never greater plenty 
 of all kinds of provisions, both for man and beast, and all 
 owing to those who have been abused by a set of infamous, 
 base, false, ^ * * * * fellows, who only 
 
 want to be what they are not, cannot, shall not, will not, 
 ever be. 
 
 As these two parties assign different reasons, so they offer 
 different rewards ; one of them reputation, honour, fame, and 
 the like; the other ask me, if I have no love for my family, 
 and talk of vacancies, good things, snug places, &c. One 
 Mr. Forage, particularly says. Do, do, do, Mr. Vinegar, 
 write, write, write, and I'll warrant you ^ * * as soon 
 as it happens * * let me see but * * ay that will 
 do * * depend * * but then * * through thick 
 and thin * * my interest; by which last word I imagine 
 him a man of consequence : there are likewise some instruc- 
 tions to abuse certain persons whose names I dare not insert 
 even the first letters of, for fear of having my paper 
 sentenced by the common voice, to be burnt by the hands 
 of the common hangman. 
 
 Though I have as great contempt for the promises of 
 Mr. Forage as any man living can have, and have therefore, 
 instead of abusing any person according to his desire, ab- 
 solutely concealed the least hint of their names; yet, on 
 the other side, I have some regard likewise for the advice 
 of a very sensible writer as he seems, who signs himself 
 Cavendum est; for, I do not know many parts of my body, 
 for which I have a greater respect than my ears; nor is 
 there, I apprehend, any reason for writing more on politics 
 at this time, when matters seem perfectly to be settled and 
 concluded; besides, there are such a vast number of able 
 heads employed in that excellent political paper, called the 
 Gazetteer, which is published every day, and distributed 
 
 ^ This part savoured too much of Billingsgate to be inserted. 
 *A11 these hiatuses are illegible.
 
 200 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 gratis over the kingdom, at the expense, as some imagine, 
 of the authors, who are not content to club their wits, but 
 club their purses also, for the good and instruction of their 
 country; besides which, I have heard it whispered as a 
 secret, that there hath been published for these three or 
 four years, a certain piece of paper, entitled the Hyp-doctor, 
 treating, as the newspapers inform us, on political subjects, 
 so that there is really no room, not to say occasion, for any 
 other writer; nay, some have asserted, that a great deal of 
 that excellent doctrine in the Gazetteers themselves, passes 
 directly to a certain part of the human body, which was 
 never understood to be the seat of politics, without being 
 first perused in common with other fundamental treatises. 
 
 Lastly, which is indeed a very satisfactory answer of itself, 
 I find I am no politician. It is true, I have read most of 
 the ancient and modern historians, as well as the most cele- 
 brated writers on government, but alas, non omnia possumiis 
 omncs. I find this is a study beyond my reach. A man 
 must be born a politician as well as a poet, or else omnis 
 effusus labor, llr. Bayle tells us that some of the rabbis, 
 who agree that Adam, at his creation, contained all the 
 other learning and knoweldge of the world, assert that he 
 was no politician. I know some have thought that Eve was 
 the first versed in this art, which she is thought to have 
 learnt of the devil; an opinion confirmed by Dr. South, who 
 deduces it from the same fountain, and affirms the devil to 
 be a very eminent politician. Others derive politics from 
 Pandora's box; but I think the most probable opinion is, 
 that it came first into the world at the building of Babel; 
 the attempting to build a tower up to heaven, bearing an 
 exact resemblance to most political schemes; the builders 
 of this tower have by the best critics been thought no other 
 than a set of ministers, which I suppose to have been 
 collected from their confounding one another by their lan- 
 guage, a circumstance in which all their successors have 
 imitated them, it being the chief excellence, and earnest 
 endeavour of a minister to avoid being understood by any 
 of his fraternity. And though some few of them have been
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 201 
 
 such wretched bunglers in their art, that all their schemes 
 have been seen through and defeated by their contemporary 
 ministers, yet have these very bunglers been able to confound 
 and amuse all others, and oftentimes many of their country- 
 men, who have been infinitely wiser than themselves. 
 
 Nor indeed can it happen otherwise, for whatever was the 
 original of politics, it must certainly be allowed to be a 
 mystery; i. e., according to the learned Mr. Bailey, a thing 
 concealed, a secret not easy to be apprehended : which 
 etymology is so true, that all arts, sciences, and professions, 
 have laid hold on this word to signify those arcana in their 
 several professions, &c., which are reserved only for the 
 adepts in them; thus divinity, law, and physic, contain 
 mysteries which are understood by divines, lawyers, and 
 physicians, though they have no manner of idea to any who 
 have not been initiated into them; on which account it 
 may not be improper to observe, that the Greek word for 
 initiating is immediately derived from that which signifies 
 mystery in that language. Wliy then should politics, which 
 is certainly as mysterious as any of these, be imagined to 
 require less initiating into it than the rest? And, since no 
 one expects of me that I should answer queries in any of 
 the three above-mentioned professions, I hope they will not 
 solicit me hereafter to satisfy their political doubts, when I 
 assure them I know nothing of the matter. 
 
 I hope I shall not be troubled to open any more letters, 
 inquiring, what our fleets are doing in the Mediterranean, 
 the ocean, and the channel? Since I answer once for all, 
 that I cannot tell; nor vexed with any more questions 
 concerning our army, what is the intention of keeping up 
 so large land-forces? What is the design of our encamp- 
 ments? "When and where our marines are going? In what 
 ships? Whom do we apprehend an invasion from? Where 
 are the ships which are to bring our invaders over? How 
 long we shall maintain all these forces by sea and land? 
 What we shall do with them? How we shall pay them? 
 To all which I answer, I don't know, I can't tell; I leave 
 all these things to my betters.
 
 203 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 I desire the citizens would trouble me with no more of 
 their letters concerning trade, nor any of the following 
 questions, viz., what will become of the customs when we 
 have no trade? How will that branch of the revenue be 
 supplied? How shall we breed our sailors for the future 
 without trade? How shall we keep the dominions of the 
 seas without sailors? Will not those sailors, who cannot 
 find employment at home, seek it elsewhere? Will trade, if 
 once turned out of our channel, be easily brought back? Is 
 it not to trade that we owed the figure which we have 
 supported in Europe? Our affluence at home? The pro- 
 vision for great part of our people? How will we provide 
 for them without it? Is not this declined? Why is it 
 declined? Is it recoverable? Why not recovered? What 
 will become of us if it is not recovered? With many others 
 of this kind : to all which I answer, I cannot tell. 
 
 I desire likewise to receive no more inquiries out of the 
 country, why methods are not taken to re-establish our 
 woollen manufacture? Wliat methods we can invent to 
 maintain our poor without it? Why gentlemen have of late 
 years converted their whole estates into tillage? What hath 
 preserved our tenants of late years, besides the exportation 
 of corn? What must become of them in a year of plenty 
 or dearth, without any exportation? What is the bottom of 
 all this evil? If universal luxury, why is not some stop 
 put to it? Why gentlemen forsake the country, whence 
 they draw all their money to town? What do they come 
 up for? What becomes of their money here? What will 
 be the consequence of it in the country? With many others 
 of this kind, to all which I answer, as I have done before, 
 I cannot tell. 
 
 I therefore, once for all, desire my correspondents for the 
 future to look on this as a miscellaneous, not a merely political 
 paper; to ask me questions concerning virtue, wit, gallantry, 
 love, poetry, and such like, and to consult others in politics; 
 since I declare for my part, I am so far from knowing, I 
 cannot even guess what we are about, what we intend to 
 do, or what we shall be able to do.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 203 
 
 Saturday, February 16, 1739-40. 
 " Mentem mortalia tangunt." — Vieqil. 
 
 Different ages, as well as nations, distinguish themselves 
 by certain characteristics from each other. Fashions are as 
 peculiar to a particular age, as customs are to a particular 
 country. The coarsest observer must take notice of the 
 differences in building, furniture, dress, equipage, and others 
 of this kind; but a more delicate eye may carry the specula- 
 tion much farther, may perceive on a very short consideration, 
 somewhat of this characteristic in our minds, and will, I 
 believe, see sufficient reason to conclude, that we think, as 
 well as act by fashion. 
 
 This I apprehend to be meant by historians and critics, 
 when they distinguish several ages by certain characteristical 
 epithets, as learned age, devout age, martial age, inquisitive 
 age, dark age, &c., to which likewise seems to allude, that 
 expression which frequently occurs in polemical writers, viz., 
 this was a way of thinking in fashion at that time. Indeed 
 it is known, that particular systems have been admired at 
 one time, and decried at another, or, in other words, have 
 been sometimes in and sometimes out of fashion. I have 
 heard, that an author having writ a play, in which there 
 was a ghost, a friend whose advice he asked, having observed 
 the little respect shown by the present audiences to those 
 unsubstantial characters, desired him to cut it out, alleging 
 that ghosts were out of fashion. 
 
 No nation under the sun can give more pregnant instances 
 of this force of fashion on the mind, than our o^vn. Our 
 ancestors make as various a figure in their ways of thinking 
 to a curious reader of our history, as their persons do in 
 a gallery of family pictures. Particular virtues and vices 
 have been as generally in vogue at certain seasons as the 
 farthingale, the ruff, the hoop, the broad brim, the narrow 
 brim, or any other singularities of dress have been among iis. 
 
 I shall not descend to particulars in former ages, writers
 
 204 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 who lived in former times have recorded them: I shall 
 therefore perform my part to my own time, which I hasten 
 to the more eagerly, as I have the pleasure to observe, that 
 the amiable characteristic of the present age is charity. 
 
 The numberless and I believe unequalled ^ instances of 
 charity, which we have carefully collected, as far as they 
 have come to our knowledge, do (as we have often observed) 
 a real honour to our age and nation, and this is a truly 
 Christian virtue, nay, I will venture to say, the most Chris- 
 tian virtue: it is this, which, in the Scripture language, 
 " covers a multitude of sins " ; without which, to speak with 
 the tongues of men and angels, is but as sounding brass or 
 a tinkling cymbal; without which, prophecy, knowledge and 
 faith are represented as nothing. This virtue hath shone 
 forth brighter in our time, than at any period which I 
 remember in our annals. Since, therefore, so noble a spirit 
 is raised among us, every man must wish to see it conducted 
 in a manner which may render it as extensively beneficial as 
 possible, to which purpose I shall likewise throw in my mite 
 of charity, and give a little of my ink (which is all that 
 I have to give) on this occasion; by the help of which, I 
 shall endeavour to point out the properest objects, as they 
 appear to me, of this virtue. 
 
 But first I shall observe a fault which some persons have 
 been guilty of, in the exercise of their charity, who, to 
 avoid ostentation, while they have bestowed with great 
 liberality, have carefully concealed their names; an error 
 which the whole body almost of the clergy have unwarily 
 fallen into on this occasion, contrary to that express pre- 
 cept, " Let your light so shine before men, that they may 
 see your good works " : but whoever considers the force of 
 example or of fashion, as I have said a1)ove, must think 
 that he who is publicly charitable, is doubly charitable, and 
 that a great man, by giving examples of goodness, may, 
 in some measure, draw to himself the merit of that of 
 others; besides, considering the little honour which is, at 
 
 ^ Alluding to the distributions made to the poor during last year's 
 severe winter.
 
 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 205 
 
 present, paid to virtue, it may be questioned whether a man 
 does not conceal his virtue rather from fear of shame than 
 of glory. 
 
 Having premised this little, I shall proceed to show what 
 persons I apprehend to be the greatest objects of charity 
 among us; which are certainly not to be met with in our 
 streets; whose begging inhabitants deserve punishment more 
 than relief, and are a shame not to the legislative but the 
 executive power of our laws. However, as I may possibly 
 dedicate a whole paper to the provision of the poor, I shall 
 say no more of them here. 
 
 There are so few things absolutely necessary to the sus- 
 tenance of life, that very few labour under a want of them: 
 distressed circumstances are, not being able to support the 
 character in which men have been bred, and the want of con- 
 veniences to which they have been accustomed, and there- 
 fore the first and chief objects of our charity are such persons 
 as, having been educated in genteel life, with moderate for- 
 tunes, partly through want of resolution to quit the character 
 in which they were bred, and partly for want of duly con- 
 sidering the consequences of their expenses, have, by follow- 
 ing their superiors into luxury, in order to support, as they 
 call it, the figure of gentlemen, reduced themselves to distress 
 and poverty. 
 
 Secondly, such younger brothers, sons, collateral relations 
 and persons unhappily of the same name with those who have 
 wickedly and foolishly opposed the measures of a minister, 
 and very unjustifiably stood up in defence of a certain sedi- 
 tious word, called liberty, by which means such younger 
 brothers, &c., have with great abilities been refused those pro- 
 visions civil and military, which seem to have been intended 
 only for them. 
 
 Thirdly, persons in all professions and occupations, who 
 have, by misfortunes and unavoidable accidents, been reduced 
 from an affluency to want, and, having long tasted the sweets, 
 are, without any faults of their own, obliged to experience 
 the bitterest potions of life, and this often with that great 
 curse of thinking they have educated children in a condition
 
 206 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 of life far beyond what they will afterwards be able to supj 
 port, and must consequently foresee them obliged to struggle 
 with the greatest difficulties and misfortunes incident to 
 human nature. 
 
 A fourth object of charity may be those who, for want of 
 reputation, friends or money, may apply themselves in vain 
 with great industry and ability to any art or science, of which 
 we have had numberless instances through the envy, pride, 
 ill-nature, and ill-judgment of mankind, which four qualities 
 make up that which we generally call ill-fortune. 
 
 Lastly, and perhaps chiefly, such as sometimes by inad- 
 vertency, sometimes by misfortunes, and sometimes by the 
 noblest acts of friendship, and through the rapaciousness, 
 impatience, and unmercifulness of creditors, more savage than 
 wolves, and the impious severity of our laws, are snatched 
 away from their poor families, from the little comforts of 
 the conversation of their relations and acquaintance, from a 
 possibility of employing their faculties for the service of 
 themselves, their wives or their children, from the benefit of 
 wholesome air in common with the brute creation; stript of 
 all the poor, little supports of wretchedness, and even that 
 last and greatest, hope itself, and carried to dungeons where 
 no conveniency of life is to be had, where even the neces- 
 saries of it are dearer than the conveniences elsewhere, where 
 they are confined together with the vilest of criminals, who 
 are indeed much happier, as a judge is shortly to deliver 
 them either to liberty, or, what is better than their dungeon, 
 to the gallows. 
 
 These I think are the chief objects of our compassion, on 
 account of their circumstances, amongst whom great regard 
 is to be had to the several merits of the sufferer, and the 
 occasion of his sufferings. I own I am one of those who 
 think there is some merit in misfortunes, especially when 
 they are not balanced with guilt, I look on indiscretion with 
 pity, not abhorrence, and on no indiscretion with so much pity 
 as that of extravagance, which as it may bring men into the 
 greatest calamities of this life ; so may it arise from the good- 
 ness, the openness, and the generosity of the heart; qualities
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 207 
 
 which naturally enlarge in every man's eye the idea of his 
 possessions, as avarice lessens it. 
 
 But perhaps it will be asked me, whether I would raise 
 a fund large enough to pay off the debt of the nation, or 
 whether I would impoverish all the rich to enrich the poor? 
 I own (to speak in the language of a certain gentleman, 
 whom I have in my eye) I have a fund in view for that 
 purpose, and could heartily wish to see a law, by which all 
 ill-gotten estates should be applied to so good an end; and 
 indeed, this would be no more than lex talionis, to make 
 these estates repair, in their dissolution, the mischiefs they 
 had occasioned in their creation ; and to convert a fund, which 
 hath been amassed by preying on the miseries of mankind 
 to the relief of those miseries. In short, all estates which 
 have been gotten by plunder, cheating, or extortion, which 
 would include most prime ministers, scriveners, pawnbrokers, 
 stockjobbers and petty attorneys, should be applied to this 
 use. 
 
 But however desirable such a law would be, as it will scarce 
 pass this sessions, or perhaps the next, and as (being coercive) 
 it doth not fall under the head of charity, I shall say no 
 more of it, it being my present purpose by charity only to 
 apply a balm to those wounds which I have above opened: 
 but as I have not room here for all which I intend to say 
 on that head, I must defer it to my next Champion. 
 
 Tuesday, February 19, 1739-40. 
 
 " "Non ignara mali, miseris succurrere disco." — ViEGn,. 
 
 In my last paper I traced the several objects of charity 
 from the first distress in their circumstances to a gaol, the 
 last and most miserable of all human calamities. I there 
 attempted to show that the chief source of our distresses 
 was the attempt to preserve appearances beyond our circum- 
 stances, and that this was chiefly occasioned by the irruption
 
 208 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 which luxury hath made of late years into this island. I 
 shall therefore in this, wherein I intend to propose to all 
 well-inclined persons, the most effectual, hest, and cheapest 
 metliods of exerting their charity, set out from the same 
 beginning. 
 
 It were heartily to be wished, that those few among us 
 who have vast, overgrown estates, would, for the good of 
 their country, put a stop to the reigning luxury in building, 
 furniture, equipage, tables, dress, &c. 
 
 But if they cannot bring themselves to so much public 
 spirit, it might be expected that, instead of decoying such 
 as are not able to support them, into these expenses, they 
 would, to their utmost, discountenance their entering into 
 them; that, whenever they condescend to visit men of equal 
 or superior birth, but infinitely their inferiors in fortune, they 
 would not throw out certain hints, that particular parts of 
 the town (where rents are cheap) lie too distant, that old 
 houses are cold and inconvenient, that they did not know 
 there was any such place in town. I likewise insist that 
 they never mention the word pictures, nor even (during the 
 frost) insinuate that carpets make a room warm, that one 
 cannot set his wig without a glass, or that small grates 
 waste coal. I likewise earnestly recommend to all grandees, 
 never, in the company of their inferiors, to wonder how 
 people can walk the streets; and do positively forbid any 
 person, of what quality soever, unless he be a professed wit, 
 to condemn port wine. I desire, moreover, that no man with 
 a mourning sword on, may be asked who he is in mourning 
 for? and do declare, that henceforth, a hole in a man's 
 stocking shall make no flaw in his reputation, unless the 
 stocking be a very fine one, or the wearer rides in a chair. 
 I do, likewise, in the humblest manner, address myself to all 
 ladies of quality, entreating them that their ladyships would 
 be pleased never in the presence of any of their sex, who 
 are not of quality, to admire at the rustic constitutions of 
 persons who can get np early in the morning, nor ever to 
 mention such words as clerks of the kitchen, bills of fare, 
 pyramids of desserts, rich wines, or any of the necessaries
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 209 
 
 of great tables, nor condemn the beastliness of hackney- 
 chairs, rose-diamonds, paste necklaces, coarse lace, thin edg- 
 ings, coloured stockings, frippery lustrings, or any other 
 plain ornaments of beauty. I do farther entreat them, that 
 they would maintain a proper regard for their quality, and 
 not submit to game with their inferiors. 
 
 I should be likewise obliged to that eloquent orator, "Mr. 
 Cock, in his next auction of old china, or any other useless 
 and expensive furniture, if he would prevent common gentle- 
 women from sitting before their betters, and if he would 
 handle his hammer with proper respect to the quality and 
 riches of the person who bids. 
 
 Mr. Heydegger is also desired to insert at the bottom of 
 his next masquerade bill, that there is nothing more to be 
 seen there than a set of figures in strange and ridiculous 
 dresses, most of them dressed out of character, but without 
 any humour ; that the few women of fashion, who go thither, 
 herd only among themselves, and know one another as well 
 as if their masks were off, and that the greatest part of the 
 beautiful shepherdesses, nuns, and innocent country lasses, 
 are to be seen every other day in the week in the balconies 
 at the theatres, and the chocolate houses near Covent Garden. 
 I should be farther obliged to him, for informing the town 
 in the advertisement of his ridottos, that all the best part 
 of the company may be seen for a very little at the play- 
 houses, and at court or in the park for nothing; and that 
 all women who are not particularly distinguished by beauty, 
 fashion, or fortune, are of no more consequence at a ridotto 
 than, according to the elegant author of Hurlothrumbo, a 
 cow in an opera. Lastly, that a pretty creature, neatly and 
 plainly dressed, walking in the park in the morning, and 
 giving an instance of the bloom and health of her constitu- 
 tion in the face of the sun, will be apter to make a useful 
 impression on a sensible young fellow, than any town com- 
 plexion at a midnight assembly, with the assistance of paint, 
 candles, or any other aid. 
 
 Having thus slightly passed over the principal heads of 
 extravagance, I follow the method of my last paper, which 
 Misc. Writings II — 14
 
 210 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 brings me to the second evil ; namely, the leaving the younger 
 brothers, &c., of families, unprovided for, for the reasons 
 there mentioned. 
 
 Though it must be confessed, that all men in power will 
 naturally first provide for their own relations, yet it might 
 be expected that this preference should not extend itself to 
 the most distant affinity by marriage of those relations; nay, 
 even to their very menial dependants, that it would be suf- 
 ficient to provide for a brother, a son, or at farthest a cousin, 
 in places they were not fit for, without carrying it to almost 
 as ridiculous a degree as the Roman emperor, who made his 
 horse a consul, by conferring genteel places, those of profit 
 and even of trust on the lowest of servants, without any re- 
 gard to birth, education, or capacity; as this is a second 
 source to public distress, so it is the business of public charity 
 to remove it. I therefore hope shortly to see all employ- 
 ments whatever, bestowed with regard to the three qualities 
 I just now mentioned, whatever political principles (as long 
 as they are consistent with our constitution) the relations 
 of such persons, or even they themselves, may be remarked 
 for. I hope, particularly, that it will be no objection to any 
 one of merit that his family is poor, and has no interest, cir- 
 cumstances which should rather produce charity than restrain 
 it; and any person or persons, who, by a contrary preceding, 
 are the cause of innumerable distresses in gentlemen's families, 
 make a very bad amends for their behaviour by scattering a 
 few pieces among the mob. 
 
 As to third and fourth branches of distress, namely, the 
 ruin of persons who have succeeded either in trade or the 
 professions, and the inability of others to procure it ; as they 
 are occasioned often by the same causes, so I shall join 
 the cure of them in one article; and here I recommend it 
 to all persons, when they are to employ any one in their 
 business, not to be blindly led by fashion, and absolutely 
 persuaded that none can do it for them, but those who 
 have so much business that in reality they do none at all 
 well. This false opinion prevails so universally in law and 
 physic, that there is scarce a medium in either, between starv-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 211 
 
 ing in the professions, or being a slave to them. Wyeherly, 
 in his Plain Dealer, says of a lawyer in vogue, " that by being 
 in everybody's cause he is really in none." I know not 
 whether I shall be allowed to say that a physician, by feeling 
 everybody's pulse feels none ; but this I will affirm, that twenty 
 patients would have more advantage of their physician's skill 
 than two hundred can; it may be asked, shall not every man 
 employ the most skilful in his affairs? Doubtless; but I am 
 afraid there is less of preference in judgment than of whim, 
 fancy, fashion, pride, &c., in the case ; all which, I hope, will 
 for the future be charitably laid aside. 
 
 In the case of trade, this partiality and the pride which 
 occasions it are most apparent. Do we not every day con- 
 fess that we give advanced prices for the names of particular 
 tradesmen who have the assurance to exact larger prices for 
 their commodities than their brethren, only because they 
 are richer, and might consequently afford to sell cheaper? 
 (I know one in particular in this kingdom, who, if he does 
 not mend his manners, will hear more of us, that has sold 
 his name for infinitely more than his head is worth, and 
 who, by his familiarity with them, seems to have bought 
 the names of several persons of great fashion in return.) 
 This refusal to lay out our money with any others than those 
 who don't want it, as if we carefully avoided doing good, 
 even when it costs us nothing, nay, when it is to our advan- 
 tage, betrays want of sense as well as want of charity, nay, 
 and want of spirit too. For what can be meaner than to 
 support the insolent, and shun the submissive? I, therefore 
 hope, that, for the future, no one will pass by a shop because 
 it does not stand in such a particular place, because it is not 
 Mr. Such-a-one's, because the owner is a young beginner, or, 
 in the polite phrase, because no body buys there. Seeing 
 that such a behaviour very plainly tends to the discourage- 
 ment of all industry among us. 
 
 I come now to consider men in the last and greatest of 
 distresses, which can arise from circumstances, or which it is 
 in the power of charity to relieve, I mean those wretches who 
 are in gaol for debts which they cannot pay. There is not.
 
 212 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 perhaps, a more shocking reflection than that of the numbers 
 who are confined on this account, in all manner of misery in 
 the several gaols of this kingdom; and more, I believe, than 
 are to be found on the same occasion in all the prisons in 
 Europe, How agreeable the making such numbers of subjects 
 not only useless to, but a burden on the community, may 
 be to a wise or a polite nation, or the inflicting such misery 
 on so many for sometimes no offence, may be to a humane 
 or a Christian people, I will not determine. The wisdom and 
 goodness of our common law suffered this only in cases of 
 violent trespasses, or for debts due to the king, till the devil 
 found means by slow degrees, and by several ^ statutes, which 
 gave this satisfaction, as it is called, first in account, after- 
 wards in debt, &c., to introduce this prototype of hell more 
 generally: and it is the same infernal spirit, who, in one of 
 our law-books,^ speaks through the mouth of a good servant 
 of his, a judge in Queen Elizabeth's reign, who compares a 
 man in gaol to a beast in a pound ; and says, " That the 
 sheriff or the plaintiff are no more obliged to give victuals 
 or drink to the prisoner, than the distrainer is to the cattle 
 impounded; for that he is to live upon his own goods, if he 
 hath any ; if not, on the charity of others ; and if others will 
 give him nothing, let him starve," says he, " in God's name, 
 (or rather the devil's), and thank himself for it." 
 
 However, it is certain, that the laws, at present (how 
 wisely, or justly, or righteously I won't say), do put in the 
 power of every proud, ill-natured, cruel, rapacious creditor 
 to satisfy his revenge, his malice, or his avarice this way on 
 any person who owes him a few shillings more than he can 
 pay him; but let a Christian take care how he uses it, and 
 remember that as surely as he forgives not his neighbour 
 his trespasses, so surely will his Father in heaven deny to 
 forgive him his; nor do I know any crime in this world 
 which can appear to a finite understanding to deserve infinite 
 punishment, so much as that cursed and rancorous disposition 
 which could bring a man to cause the destruction of a family, 
 
 'Marib. cap. 23. Westm. 2 cap. 11, 25 Ed. 3 cap. 17. 
 'Plowd. Com.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 213 
 
 or the confinement of a human creature in misery during 
 his life, for any debt whatever, unless the contracting it be 
 attended with great circumstances of villainy. 
 
 I shall conclude with recommending to a particular person 
 who may have some interest to endeavour the reformation of 
 the law on this head, such an act may gain him some real 
 friends while alive, and some admirers after his death. Sure 
 I am, that no age ever called so loudly for it as the present, 
 when we must shortly either make an alteration in our law 
 herein, or a very large one in our gaols. 
 
 Thursday, February 21, 1739-40. 
 
 " Quisnam igitur sanus? Qui non stultus." — Horace. 
 
 Amongst other species of charity, for which this age is 
 justly celebrated, there is one which shines forth in a very 
 particular manner, I mean that of founding hospitals ; a most 
 commendable and useful branch of this virtue, and in which 
 we have so well distinguished ourselves of late, that within 
 these three years, or thereabouts, we have seen the rise of 
 three hospitals, one at Hyde Park Corner, another at the Bath, 
 and lastly that (for foundlings) which does honour not only 
 to the noble propagators of it, but to our very age and na- 
 tion, and leaves us only to wonder, how it was possible, through 
 stupidity or barbarity, to have been delayed so long. 
 
 An ingenious gentleman this last winter, having, I suppose, 
 observed this present bent of our genius, and that most of 
 the calamities with which our minds or bodies were visited, 
 had cures provided for them in this way, thought proper to 
 give us a useful hint of erecting an hospital, without which 
 I own I have often thought that noble structure in Moorsfields 
 deficient, namely, an hospital for fools. This hint was con- 
 veyed into the world from the theatre, by a dramatic compo- 
 sition under that name.
 
 214 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Most persons imagined this piece would not be licensed; 
 and some, who, I am sure, knew nothing more of it than the 
 title, asserted that there must certainly be reflections in it 
 on some people; however, contrary to their expectation, it 
 came on the stage, where to their no less surprise it met with 
 an ill reception. 
 
 I was myself present on the first night of its representa- 
 tion, and do scarce remember to have seen any thing equal 
 to the horror which appeared in the faces of the whole pit; 
 nor can any of my readers have an idea of it, unless such 
 as have observed the countenances of a set of children at a 
 story of raw-head and bloody-bones: for really (to imitate 
 the language used on such occasions), they seemed to think 
 the poet was come for them all. ISTay, so terribly were they 
 frightened, that I have been told they all got up in a cluster 
 together, and did not dare stir out of the house till twelve 
 o'clock at night, when one of the actors came on the stage, 
 and told them there was no danger, and that they might be 
 assured they should never hear any more of it. 
 
 For my part I was dissatisfied with the treatment of this 
 piece, in which I thought there was merit, though an old 
 gentleman who sat by me, and did not join in the tumult, 
 was of a different opinion : he often shook his head, and said 
 it was ill-timed, that there was very few of those sort of 
 people at present, with many criticisms of the like kind, and 
 at last concluded that he was glad the farce was damned; 
 for that he was sure the author was an ill-natured fellow, 
 by his wanting to confine such inoffensive people as fools 
 were. 
 
 But, notwithstanding this old gentleman's censure, I am 
 still of the author's side ; not only from the performance, but 
 the intention of his piece, being visibly to recommend such 
 an hospital as I have mentioned. 
 
 I cannot help imagining the ancient custom of keeping 
 fools to have had something of this provision for them in 
 vievv. By this custom every man of fashion was in a manner 
 obliged to have at least one fool in his family. This was 
 equal, if not superior, to a general hospital for them, and
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 215 
 
 would have continued to this day, had not the fools hecome 
 ungrateful to their benefactors, and made so ill a use of 
 their goodness, as at last to take upon them to be wits: for 
 which reason, they were all soon turned out of doors; but 
 since that time, to show the revolution of human affairs, wit 
 hath been in fashion, and several fools have found means 
 to introduce themselves into great families under the disguise 
 of wits, and have never been discovered by their masters. 
 
 But though great numbers of persons, and some whom I 
 could name, have kept fools for this reason; yet this practice 
 is not so general as formerly, and numberless fools are daily 
 to be seen in all the parts of this town, without any body to 
 take care of them; or, as it appears by some late moving 
 instances, without knowing where to go: for to omit the 
 great numbers who have been seen dancing, &c., on the 
 Thames, and who ran about the town last Monday night in 
 antic dresses, such hath been lately the distress of these poor 
 creatures, that I am credibly informed, several fools, not 
 knowing where to thrust their heads, publicly offered the other 
 night crowns a-piece, beyond the already advanced price, for 
 seats in the- first gallery at Covent Garden Theatre; when 
 Orpheus and Eurydice was first represented. 
 
 After these instances, I am sure no one can think it other 
 than an act of charity to the fools themselves to confine them ; 
 besides they are far from hei'Ag such inoffensive creatures as 
 the old gentleman hath represented them ; nay, I could almost 
 venture to assert, that there is scarce any mischief done, in 
 which fools are not concerned. 
 
 Is any mischief ever made among friends and relations 
 without a fool concerned in it? Should we ever hear of a 
 separation, or even a quarrel between a husband and wife, 
 unless one or both of them were fools? How comes it that 
 servants get at the secrets of families? How do lawyers get 
 possession of men's writings? Priests of their minds, and 
 physicians of their bodies, and by these means all four of 
 their purses? How happens it that horses are killed, wheels 
 worn out, and time thrown away to spread little, paltry, dirty, 
 mean, malicious scandal? Why doth one man attempt to
 
 216 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 frustrate the schemes, or one woman to hinder the amours 
 of another, which do not interfere with their own? In a 
 word, how comes it that any one suffers an injury by which 
 the person who does it reaps no advantage, but that fools 
 walk abroad? 
 
 Or, to make use of higher instances, Why have a whole 
 people often lost their liberties, or indeed why have kings 
 desired to take them away (since the greater and nobler, and 
 braver a people are, so much the greater is the monarch who 
 
 reigns over them) but for the above reason ? And to bring 
 
 it home, how can we account for the tame sufferance of some 
 invasions on our rights in former times, but by saying, that 
 fools were then in the landf 
 
 It would be needless, since, though I am writing for the 
 sake of fools, I am not writing to them, to enumerate any 
 more instances to prove so plain an assertion, as that fools 
 ought to be shut up as well as madmen. 
 
 And where is the ill-nature of this proposal? What in- 
 convenience, nay, even what loss of amusement would arise 
 to them from hence, supposing they were confined in a large 
 and wholesome hospital? Could not the beau dress himself, 
 the coquette play before the glass, or the prude screw up her 
 face as well here as any where? For since they only admire 
 themselves, cannot they do it by themselves? • Cannot a poet 
 here wonder at his own bad verses, or a critic abuse good 
 ones? Cannot a projector lay his schemes, and all the dif- 
 ferent sorts of fools, play over their different sorts of follies ? 
 Nay, we will allow them all the amusements they have at 
 present, and fling them, in a heap, all their music-masters, 
 dancing-masters, fiddlers, operas, puppet-shows, raree-shows, 
 pantomimes, dexterity of hand, and a complete set gratis of 
 Gazetteers; in short, all they have or that they desire to 
 have; nor do I know any thing they will be debarred from, 
 but the conversation of men of sense, which can be no mis- 
 fortune to them, as these are a particular sort of odd people, 
 for whom the said fools have always had a most uninterrupted 
 contempt: so that in reality this will be not so properly the 
 hospital as the paradise of fools.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 217 
 
 Indeed, I am aware but of two objections wbich can be 
 possibly made to this charity : the first is that trite one which 
 hath been so often objected, viz., the great expense of so large 
 a building; but this may be easily obviated by only a change 
 of places, that is, by our bringing the fools all together into 
 one; for which purpose, to avoid the greater confusion, it 
 may be convenient to assign that situation for the hospital 
 where the greatest part and the most eminent already re- 
 side: but, for particular reasons, the public will excuse my 
 pointing out the quarter, till the scheme is farther advanced, 
 and some of the most powerful fools secured. 
 
 The second, which seems indeed at first sight of greater 
 weight, is that a very large and useful body of the com- 
 munity, who are vulgarly called knaves, may be injured 
 thereby. This scheme being little less than to take from 
 them the means of subsisting on those creatures, who are, by 
 some learned men, thought to have been created for no other 
 purpose, than for the food and convenience of the said knaves. 
 This would, I own, have great force, if it was absolutely true, 
 or at least if without remedy: for I am neither so romantic 
 a writer, nor one of so little public spirit, as to conceive that 
 any reparation could be made for so great a loss to society: 
 but I am very confident, that by this means no knaves would 
 be deprived of subsistence, but such as would be entitled to a 
 provision in the hospital. Honest and undesigning men of 
 very good understanding would be always liable to the attacks 
 of cunning and artful knaves, into whose snares we are as 
 often seduced by the openness and goodness of the heart, as 
 by the weakness of the head. True wisdom is commonly at- 
 tended with a simplicity of manners, which betrays a worthy 
 man to a tricking shuffler, of a much inferior capacity. Be- 
 sides, knaves have the quality with pikes, when they can find 
 no other game, of preying on one another ; and a great, subtle 
 knave, and such it is the main business of a well-ordered com- 
 monwealth to support, will no more fail of his prey while 
 any little ones are within his reach, than an overgrown pike 
 will want food while there are any smaller pikes in the same 
 pond.
 
 218 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Tuesday, February 26, 1739-40. 
 
 " Auream quisquia Mediocritatem 
 Diligit tutus, caret obsoleti 
 Sordibus tecti, caret invidenda 
 Sobrius Aula." — Horace. 
 
 The unequal distribution of the good things of this world 
 hath been represented as one excellent argument of a future 
 state. The disparity between the lots of men hath been 
 thought no otherwise reconcilable with the goodness of the 
 Almighty Being, than by considering this world as a short 
 state of probation only, and our happiness here of very little 
 account in the divine eye : for, as the best parents, during 
 the infancy of their children, give sometimes the finest toys 
 to this or that child, and think it sufficient to provide equally 
 for them in their main settlement in life; so this our great 
 Parent, regardless of the diiferent shares which we possess of 
 the toys of this world, is only careful to provide an equality 
 of bliss for such as do not forfeit it in our lasting settlement 
 hereafter. 
 
 But though health of body and strength of mind, being 
 possessed by some in a very superior degree to that which 
 falls to the lot of others, do really introduce the greatest 
 disparity of worldly happiness; this is not so certainly the 
 consequence of the unequal distribution of power and riches, 
 and notwithstanding the disdain with which the great and 
 fine world look down on a middle state, notwithstanding 
 contemptuous phrases, as low people; fellows that nobody 
 knows; strange creatures; mean company; nobodies; what- 
 dyecallums ; dirt ; scroff,^ &c. ; notwithstanding all this, I 
 am convinced that happiness does not always sit on the pin- 
 nacle of power, or lie in a bed of state; but is rather to be 
 found in that golden mean which Horace prescribes in the 
 motto of my paper, where it is seldom missed, unless by such 
 
 ^ A word in great use, but in no dictionary ; perhaps it should he 
 written scruff, but we have here followed the general pronunciation.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 219 
 
 as, through too great humility, dare not invite happiness to 
 their humble dwellings, but foolishly put off the hopes of 
 entertaining this guest, till they can make themselves masters 
 of stately rooms and splendid furniture to receive it. 
 
 Philosophers and moralists have already filled so many 
 thousand pages with their declamations on this head, that I 
 shall add no more to them, especially since examples con- 
 vince us more speedily than precepts ; and the two following 
 pictures, which are taken from life, and the latter without the 
 least embellishment, must satisfy the reader, that there are 
 such things as splendid misery and humble happiness. 
 
 The first of these pictures I shall present the reader with 
 as it was drawn by my son Jack, who, as I have said in my 
 first paper, wears fine clothes, and keeps the best company. 
 
 Jack was invited to dinner at the house of a certain person 
 of great distinction, whither he repaired at the fashionable 
 hour of four. As soon as the door was opened, he entered 
 into a large hall, at the head of which was a magnificent 
 staircase, adorned with most beautiful paintings. Here were 
 several persons with disconsolate countenances, amongst whom 
 he knew one to be a jeweller and another a laceman; whilst 
 he was rubbing his shoes on the mat, he heard several repe- 
 titions of the words very hard, long time due, make up a sum, 
 &c. He was conducted hence through several fine apart- 
 ments into the eating-room, where was a noble side-board 
 set off with a profusion of carved plate : as the company wa^ 
 not yet come. Jack desired leave to wait on the lady, who ad- 
 mitted him to her toilette. She had been risen about half 
 an hour, and was at breakfast when my son entered her dress- 
 ing-room. On a table lay the bills of several mantua-makers, 
 milliners, mercers, and others, without any receipts to them. 
 *' Mr. Vinegar,'' says she, " I never was more rejoiced to see 
 you ; for I am horribly in the spleen, I had the most terrible 
 
 run at cards last night would you think it? I lost nine 
 
 rubbers following." Jack had scarce time to answer her, when 
 her husband came in; after a short conversation and a whisper 
 or two, she told him in a louder voice, and with much eager- 
 ness : " It la never the near, for I must positively have it ; '^
 
 220 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 her husband replied, "You cannot, for it is impossible." 
 My son, who is perfectly well-bred, seeing a dispute arising, 
 immediately v/ithdrew and returned to the eating-room, where 
 four or five gentlemen were now assembled. In about a 
 quarter of an hour, the master of the house came to them, 
 with great dejection in his countenance, which was not at 
 all lessened during an hour's conversation while we waited 
 for the lady, which turned on the miseries of matrimony, with 
 frequent exclamations about the dinner: at last the lady 
 came as pale as death, with the tears not so well wiped off 
 from her eyes, but that very visible marks remained. Dinner 
 was now served, which consisted of dishes so disguised, that 
 nothing more was to be known of them, but that they were 
 spoiled with waiting too long. The husband and wife ate 
 little, and employed themselves only in casting malevolent 
 glances on each other, with now and then some sighs and 
 secret hints which seemed not only understood at the table, 
 but by the gentlemen who stood behind our chairs. Several 
 rich wines were reckoned up, most of which were far from 
 being excellent in their kind; nor indeed did they infuse 
 any air of cheerfulness into the conversation, which was cere- 
 monial, and mostly turned on cookery. With the dessert 
 were introduced three children, or rather skeletons, with very 
 sickly complexions, whose wit and beauty were much admired 
 by all the company. At length, a servant informing the 
 lady that her chair was at the door, every thing was re- 
 moved, and the bottles put on the table, which the master 
 of the house took care should not go round too fast. In 
 about an hour afterwards. Jack retired with one of the gen- 
 tlemen through a row of servants, who seemed to look on 
 their vails as a surer subsistence than their wages; his com- 
 panion, as they went, abused the master of the house, his 
 wife, his entertainment, his economy, and informed my son 
 that he kept an extravagant and disagreeable mistress, hinting 
 at the same time something of the lady, which he was tender 
 of repeating. 
 
 Instead of making any reflections, I shall oppose to this 
 scene, one, of which I was really a spectator.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 231 
 
 Some time since I went with my wife to pay a visit to 
 a country clergyman, who had a living of somewhat above 
 1001. a year. In his youth he had sacrificed a fellowship in 
 one of the universities, to marry a very agreeable woman, 
 who with a small fortune had had a very good education. 
 Soon after his marriage he was presented to the living, of 
 which he is now incumbent. Since his coming hither, he 
 hath improved the parsonage-house and garden, both which 
 are now in the neatest order. At our arrival we were met 
 at the gate by the clergyman and two of his sons. After 
 telling us with the most cheerful voice and countenance that 
 he was extremely glad to see us, he took my wife down in 
 his arms, and committing our two horses to the care of his 
 sons he conducted us into a little neat parlour, where a 
 table was spread for our entertainment. Here the good 
 woman and her eldest daughter received us with many hearty 
 expressions of kindness, and very earnest desires that we 
 would take something to refresh ourselves before dinner. 
 Upon, this a bottle of mead was produced, which was of 
 their own making, and very good in its kind. Dinner soon 
 followed, being a gammon of bacon and some chickens, with 
 a most excellent apple pie. My friend excused himself from 
 not treating me with a roasted pig (a dish I am particularly 
 fond of) by telling us that as times were hard, he had re- 
 linquished those titles to his parishioners. Our liquors were 
 the aforesaid mead, elder wine, with strong beer, ale, &c., all 
 perfectly good, and which our friend exprest great pleasure 
 at our drinking and liking. After a meal spent with the 
 utmost cheerfulness, we walked into a little, neat garden, 
 where we passed the afternoon with the gayest and most 
 innocent mirth, the good man and good woman, their sons 
 and daughters, all vying with one another, who should show 
 us the greatest signs of respect, and of their forwardness to 
 help us to any thing they had. 
 
 The economy of these good people may be instructive to 
 some, as well as entertaining to all my readers. 
 
 The clergyman, who is an excellent scholar, is himself the 
 schoolmaster to his boys (which are three in number). As
 
 222 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 soon as the hours appointed for their studies are over, the 
 master and all the scholars employ themselves at work either 
 in the garden, or some other labour about the house, while 
 the little woman is no less industrious in her sphere with her 
 two daughters within. Thus the furniture of their house, 
 their garden, their table, and their cellar, are almost all the 
 work of their own hands; and the sons grow at once robust 
 and learned, while the daughters become housewives, at the 
 same time they learn of their mother several of the genteeler 
 accomplishments. 
 
 Love and friendship were never in greater purity than 
 between this good couple, and as they both have the utmost 
 tenderness for their children, so they meet with the greatest 
 returns of gratitude and respect from them. Nay the whole 
 parish is by their example the family of love, of which they 
 daily receive instances from their spiritual guide, and which 
 hath such an effect on them, that I believe — communihus 
 annis, he receives voluntarily from his parishioners more than, 
 his due, though not half so much as he deserves. 
 
 Saturday, March 1, 1739-40. 
 
 — " Heu plebes scelerata et prava favoris? " — Sixms ItaxicuS. 
 
 I HAVE, in a former paper, remarked the partiality by 
 which we are governed in our dealings with trades and pro- 
 fessions, and showed that we are led entirely by fashion to 
 prefer this or that individual member to all the rest of his 
 calling. This hath given rise to a common expression of 
 getting a name, and to the common custom of hanging out 
 names on a sign, by which we are sometimes not only in- 
 formed where Mr. A. B. now lives, but likewise of the place 
 from whence he came. There is one of these names in Fleet 
 Street, which seems to be hung out as the rival of St. Dun- 
 stan's clock. 
 
 This partiality arises from one or both of these amiable
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 223 
 
 originals, viz., pride and ignorance; for as there are several 
 wise people who are vain of being the bubbles of eminent 
 men, so there are others, who, though they are very pretty 
 gentlemen and very fine ladies, are unluckily so ignorant, 
 that they do not know when they are imposed on. 
 / As pride and ignorance reign the most absolute in the 
 learned world, so this prejudice is felt more severely by 
 us authors than by any other set of men. I believe of the 
 present encouragers and advancers of wit and learning not 
 one in twenty hath ever been at school, and of those who 
 have, very few have brought away any other marks but those 
 of the rod with them. So that what Horace says of writers, 
 " that the learned and unlearned become such indifferently," 
 may be more properly applied to readers of whom, according 
 to Mr. Pope, 
 
 " Ten censure wrong to one who writes amiss." 
 
 But pride hath at least an equal share with ignorance in 
 the matter. Writing seems to be understood as an arrogating 
 to yourself a superiority (which of all others will be granted 
 with the greatest reluctance) of the understanding. In which, 
 as the pre-eminence is not so apparent as in beauty or riches, 
 pride is often able in our own minds a long while to maintain 
 the weaker side of the argument. The understanding, like the 
 eye (says Mr. Locke), whilst it makes us see and perceive all 
 other things, takes no notice of itself; and it requires art 
 and pains to set it at a distance and make it its own object. 
 This comparison, fine as it is, is inadequate: for the eye 
 can contemplate itself in a glass, but no Narcissus hath 
 hitherto discovered any mirror for the understanding, no 
 knowledge of which is to be obtained but by the means Mr. 
 Locke prescribes, which as it requires art and pains, or in 
 other words, a very good understanding to execute, it gen- 
 erally happens that the superiority in it is a cause tried on 
 very dark and presumptive evidence, and a verdict commonly 
 found by self love for ourselves. 
 
 But, to pursue this philosophical inquiry no farther, it is 
 certain that a man nowhere meets with such opposition as
 
 224 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 in an attempt to acquire reputation by writing, which the 
 world always withholds from him as long as it is able, and 
 seldom allows him till he is past the enjoyment of it. The 
 laurel, like the cypress, being generally thrown into the 
 grave. 
 
 This malignancy hath given rise to several inventions 
 among authors, to get themselves and their works a name. 
 And has introduced that famous art called puffing, which, as 
 it is brought to great perfection in this age, affords us a con- 
 stant article in one column of our paper. 
 
 It would be endless to run through the several branches 
 of this art, by which we are informed that certain works 
 have been very much admired by persons of great distinction 
 and judgment, or at other times of their great usefulness, 
 and often that they are prohibited at certain places, the 
 author run away, or banished, or hanged, all which are thought 
 to give an additional value to his works. 
 
 But the chief art of book-puffing is that which may be 
 very properly called getting a name to a book, I mean that 
 method which hath flourished much of late of borrowing a 
 name for its author. 
 
 Numberless are the arts which the street-walking-muses 
 make use of to lay their bastards at the doors of their betters, 
 or in other words, by which booksellers and their bad authors 
 endeavour to steal the names of good ones. This stratagem 
 hath been long practised on the dead, and since the restora- 
 tion of learning, and the invention of printing, most of the 
 celebrated authors of antiquity have been forced to adopt 
 as their own, the offspring not only of several ages beyond 
 them, but even of such as have not had the least affinity to 
 them. I remember about twelve j^ears ago, upon the success 
 of a new play of Shakespeare's, said to have been found 
 somewhere by somebody, the craft set themselves to searching, 
 and soon after I heard that several more plays of Shakes- 
 peare, Beaumont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson were found, 
 and the town to be entertained with them; but the players, 
 for I know not what reason, discouraging this practice, it hath 
 since ceased.
 
 Co-p'rricrht . iao2 .t 
 
 Ben Jonson (1573-1637).
 
 224 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 in an attempt to acquire reputation ^v writing, which the 
 world always withholds from him r as it is able, and 
 
 seldom allows him till lie is -^nt of it. The 
 
 laurel, like the cypress, ' urown into the 
 
 grave. 
 
 This maliarnanov ' ' inventions 
 
 among autl es and their works a name. 
 
 And has int lous art c "g, which, as 
 
 it is bro ion in this a^,,, axiords us a con- 
 
 stant ai" ;> of our paper. 
 
 It ^v^■ •> run through the several branches 
 
 of this 1 we are informed that certain works 
 
 have been very much admired by persons of great distinction 
 and ■ ^ or at other times of their great usefulness, 
 
 and ujuii mat they are prohibited at certain places, the 
 author run away, or banished, or hanged, all which are thought 
 to give an additional value to his works. 
 
 But the chief art of book-puffing is that which may be 
 very properly called getting a name to a book, I mean that 
 method which hath flourished much of late of borrowing a 
 name for its author. 
 
 Numberless are the arts which the street-walking-muses 
 make use of to lay their bastards at the doors of their betters, 
 c - and their bad authors 
 
 f This stratagem 
 
 ' H' ►"' the restora- 
 
 most of the 
 ( have been forced to adopt 
 
 a ag not only of several ages beyond 
 
 t' i 01 sueii as have not had the least affinity to 
 
 ti.- i... ^ rciiiomber about twelve years ago, upon the success 
 of a new play of Shakespeare's, said to have been found 
 somewhere by somebody, the craft set themselves to searching, 
 and soon after I heard that several more plays of Shakes- 
 p' imont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson were found, 
 
 ai.>; ,\n to be entertained with them; but the players, 
 
 for 1 iiot what reason, discouraging this practice, it hath 
 
 sinc(:
 
 Co-p-rricrht.iSOZ -by Croscicp S. SUiUinjCo
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 225 
 
 But the great improvement of this art is said to be the 
 growth of the present age; namely, the borrowing the name 
 of an author while he is alive, which is done several waj's. 
 
 One bookseller is reported to have maintained certain writers 
 in his garret, because they had the same names with some of 
 their eminent contemporaries. Others have contented them- 
 selves with concealing the name of the author in the title- 
 page, and only spreading whispers through the coffee-houses, 
 that he is a very considerable person, my lord, or Mr. Such-a- 
 one, which the whisperer hath discovered by his style, or been 
 credibly informed of by some who have seen the manuscript. 
 But the most usual way is to throw out certain hints in the 
 advertisements, such as by a lady of quality. By a celebrated 
 
 physician. By D r S 1. By a certain Dean, &c. By 
 
 all which means a very spurious issue are propagated in the 
 learned world. Thus Gay becomes Dull, Addison publishes 
 B y Poems, and D n S 1 hath writ more non- 
 sense than C y C r. 
 
 But the most remarkable piece of ingenuity, if it had 
 been done by design, was exhibited this winter, in which a 
 poem was published with the following title-page, printed in 
 the same manner as it is here inserted. 
 
 SEVENTEEN HUNDEED THIETY NINE, 
 
 BEING THE SEQUEL OF 
 
 SEVENTEEN HUNDEED THIETY EIGHT, 
 
 WRITTEN BY MR. POPE. 
 
 If this had been published by any other bookseller but 
 
 Mr. C 1, we should have believed that it was intended to 
 
 impose the year nine on the world as a work of Mr. Pope's, 
 who is I think avowedly the author of the year eight; but 
 
 the said Mr. C 1 is too well known to have any such 
 
 attempt suspected, both from the nicety of his conscience 
 and his judgment, which could not suffer him to hope that 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 15
 
 226 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 he should be able to exhibit the pop of a pistol for the fire 
 of a cannon, 
 
 I have been often desired by my bookseller to give a name 
 (as he calls it) to this paper: for which purpose, he hath 
 drawn up several advertisements. One signifying, that the 
 late Mr. Addison left a large quantity of papers behind him, 
 some of which were entitled Essays on Several Subjects. 
 Another importing that the author of this paper was in 
 Wales at the time that Sir Eichard Steele died. Or suppose 
 (says he) it should be insinuated that you was lately come 
 from Ireland. Ah! you might have thrown in a hint about 
 Lais's "Wash. Or else if you should say you had a lodging 
 near Twickenham last summer. Any of these things would 
 do. Nay, he hath carried it so far as to desire me to go 
 to several coffee-houses where I am little known, and assert 
 
 roundly that my Lord B ke was the author of the 
 
 Champion, assuring me that he would whisper it to every 
 one who came into his shop; and he was sure it would do: 
 for that the same scheme had been successfully tried by 
 another. 
 
 In short, it would be tedious to run through the several 
 persons which by hints, tokens, and initial letters, he would 
 have intimated to be the authors of the Champion, indeed 
 almost every one that the present age hath ever read with 
 admiration. Nor did he confine himself to single persons, he 
 was desirous to insinuate that some papers were composed 
 
 by the C ge of Ph ns, others by the E al Soc — ty, 
 
 and others by that admired body the Soc — ty for Advance- 
 ment of L . 
 
 I answered him, that I scorned to impose false colours on 
 the world, that if my paper could not succeed by the merit, 
 it should not owe its success to the roguery of the author. 
 In short, that, like some tender parents, I had such a fond- 
 ness for my offspring, that I would not part with them to 
 another even for their own advantage. 
 
 However, to pacify him, I was forced to condescend to agree, 
 that in order to make my paper appear like a Spectator, it
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 237 
 
 should for the future he adorned with a capital letter at the 
 end, as well as a motto at the beginning. 
 
 Tuesday, March 4, 1739-40. 
 
 " Fallit enim vitium specie virtutis et umbrd." — HoBACE. 
 
 There can be nothing so discouraging from the pursuit 
 of reputation as a reflection, which we too often see occa- 
 sion to make, that it is the prize of the undeserving. Men 
 are apt, and with some seeming justice, to despise a reward 
 which they observe to be promiscuously bestowed on vice 
 and virtue, wisdom and folly. Reputation, which, were she 
 always constant to merit, would engage all mankind to be 
 rivals for obtaining her, becomes a common harlot; and by 
 being often possessed by those who do not deserve her, is 
 the contempt of those that do. 
 
 Shakespeare says in his Othello, " That reputation is an 
 idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit, and 
 lost without deserving." 
 
 Human life everywhere abounds with instances of the just- 
 ness of this observation; nothing is commoner than to hear 
 men applauded and extolled for virtues and perfections, which 
 they are sometimes utterly devoid of. 
 
 But though men have been sometimes known to purchase 
 false praise at the expense of their treasure; and have, for 
 particular reasons, found methods to bestow it as unworthily 
 on their creatures, yet are we more rarely bribed than de- 
 ceived into our wrong applauses. 
 
 Though virtue and wisdom be in reality the opposites to 
 folly and vice, they are not so in appearance. Indeed, it 
 requires a nicer eye to distinguish them, than is commonly 
 believed. The two' latter are continually industrious to dis- 
 guise themselves, and wear the habits of the former. They 
 know their native deformity and endeavour to conceal it;
 
 228 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 which the world, always judging by the outside, easily suffers 
 them to accomplish. Actions of the worst nature have, by 
 the assistance of false glosses, been accompanied with honour, 
 and men have often arrived at the highest fame by deserving 
 the highest infamy; which, when we consider the general in- 
 capacity of mankind, we shall be so far from being astonished 
 at, that we shall rather think it matter of wonder, that they 
 have ever judged right. True virtue is of a retired and quiet 
 nature, content with herself, not at all busied in courting the 
 acclamations of the crowd; she is plain and sober in her 
 habit, sure of her innate worth, and therefore neglects to 
 adorn herself with those gaudy colours, which catch the eyes 
 of the giddy multitude. Vice, on the contrary, is of a noisy 
 and boisterous disposition, despising herself, and jealous of 
 the contempt of others, always meditating how she may ac- 
 quire the applause of the world, gay and fluttering in her ap- 
 pearance, certain of her own ill features, and therefore careful 
 by all the tricks of art to impose on and engage the affections 
 
 of her beholders. Thus accomplished, how can the latter 
 
 fail to please, and the former to be slighted! 
 
 It hath been observed, that a lover will find it more diffi- 
 cult to succeed in a real than a counterfeit passion. The 
 true lover, conscious of his affection, will neglect a thousand 
 little methods, which the counterfeit is eternally seeking after 
 to persuade his mistress of his sincerity. In like manner, it 
 happens to the candidates for reputation. There is a con- 
 sciousness in true merit, which renders a man careless of the 
 reception it meets with. He disdains to fly to little arts to 
 inform the world of what it wants only judgment to discover 
 of itself. He is rather studious to deserve than acquire 
 praise. Whereas, the man of a contrary character is always 
 forward to acquaint others with his deserts. He is not 
 desirous of virtue itself, but only the reputation of it, there- 
 fore is more solicitous to carry virtue in his countenance than 
 in his heart; whence it often comes to pass, that the worst 
 of men have imposed on the world, and enjoved the highest 
 degree of reputation, while those of the greatest worth have 
 been slighted and despised.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 229 
 
 It is with virtue and vice, as with nature and art. The 
 works of nature are in themselves infinitely superior to all 
 the little quackery and impotent imitation of art: but as 
 the latter ever applies herself to the humours and tempers 
 of men, as she is ever employed in tricking and decking 
 herself out, with a view of catching the eyes of her beholder, 
 we often see her meanest performances preferred by the 
 generality of mankind, to the noblest productions of nature. 
 
 But reputation is not always the fruit of design; chance 
 hath in this, as in all other worldly affairs, a very consider- 
 able dominion. Eeputation often courts those most who 
 regard her the least. Actions have sometimes been attended 
 with fame, which were undertaken in defiance of it. Jonathan 
 Wild himself had for many years no small share of it in this 
 kingdom. 
 
 Eeputation is ever the companion of success; had Tyler 
 or Straw succeeded in their attempts, they might have prob- 
 ably rivalled the fame of Martel or Cromwell. Had Alexan- 
 der been entirely defeated in his first battle in Asia, he would 
 have been called only a robber by posterity. 
 
 Had Solon, Lycurgus, Numa, Mahomet, or any other law- 
 givers been successless in their attempts, they had been uni- 
 versally contemned as fools, madmen, or impostors. 
 
 Besides all these reasons, there are, as Horace observes in 
 the motto of this paper, so narrow bounds between some 
 virtues and vices, that it is very difficult to distinguish be- 
 tween them. Covetousness and thrift, profuseness and liber- 
 ality, cowardice and caution, rashness and bravery, praise and 
 adulation have been all very often mistaken for one another. 
 To which imposition, not only the deceit of the person himself 
 contributes; every man, who labours under the same vice, 
 is, for his own sake, willing to give it the gentlest appellation 
 in another. The covetous man will call his covetous brother 
 thrifty, and so of the rest. 
 
 These, I think, are the chief springs from which false 
 praise hath arisen; and these are certainly great discourage- 
 m.ents from the pursuit of it, in the road of virtue. Not- 
 withstanding all which we shall find, to consider the argu-
 
 230 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 ment in another light, sufficient incentives to all our endeav- 
 ours after this most invaluable blessing. 
 
 First, the real value of the thing itself. Upon the pos- 
 session of which all joys, all happiness and comfort depend. 
 Loss of reputation, says the Cit in the comedy, may tend 
 to loss of money. In short, we can arrive at no one valuable 
 acquisition in life without it. 
 
 Secondly, though reputation may be purchased without 
 merit, yet is that essentially different from what we attain 
 worthily. It is attended with continual fears of losing it, 
 seldom waits a man to his grave, and hardly ever outlives 
 him, whereas the man who really deserves this reward, hugs 
 himself securely in the possession of it. This not only sticks 
 to him while he lives, but is scarce ever known to forsake 
 his name. 
 
 A third, and indeed a glorious consideration to the virtuous 
 man, is that he may rejoice even in the never attaining that 
 which he so well deserves, since it furnishes him with a 
 noble argument for the certainty of a future state. As it 
 is inconsistent with the justice of a supremely wise and good 
 being, to suffer his honest and worthy endeavours to go un- 
 rewarded, can the heart of man be warmed with a more 
 ecstatic imagination, than that the most excellent attribute 
 of the great Creator of the universe is concerned in reward- 
 ing him? Such a consideration as this may well make him 
 despise the false, short-lived honours, he sees unjustly be- 
 stowed on others, and keep him constant and steady in the 
 ways of virtue, at the same time that he thoroughly despises 
 all the rewards within the power of man. 
 
 Thursday, March 6, 1739-40. 
 
 " Ut bene loquatur sentiatque mamercus 
 Efpcere nullis, aule, moribus possis." — Martial. 
 
 The wisest legislators seem to have imagined that man- 
 kind in general set no greater value on any human reward
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 231 
 
 than on reputation, nor fear any punishment equal with in- 
 famy : for which reason, as honours have been constituted for 
 the rewards of the noblest actions, so infamy hath been added 
 as the last and greatest increase of punishment which can be 
 inflicted on villainy. 
 
 In my last paper I considered the unjust bestowing of 
 praise as a perversion of this reward, and a means which 
 might remove this incentive to virtue. I shall therefore, in 
 my present, animadvert on those methods which may work 
 the like effect on infamy, and tend as visibly to withdraw 
 from us all horror of that word, as the former do to lessen 
 our value for reputation. I mean slander or calumny. 
 
 The reader may, perhaps, be surprised at seeing this repre- 
 sented in so new a light, nor would I insinuate that slanders 
 are often (if ever) spread with this view, which have indeed 
 generally no other than the immediate satisfaction of private 
 malice or revenge : but that the consequence I have men- 
 tioned may be hereby produced, will be easily granted on 
 reflection ; nay, nothing is commoner than for good men, who 
 have been oppressed in this manner, to comfort themselves, 
 that they only share a fate to which virtue is the most liable. 
 In which opinion, the moral writers have endeavoured to sup- 
 port them. 
 
 Plato recommends a law for the punishment of this vice, 
 and the Eomans had very severe ones for that purpose; 
 "Which stood them (says Machiavel) in good stead, and 
 which the Florentines have considerably suffered by neglect- 
 ing." The same author, in another place, comparing calumny 
 with accusation, goes on, " Men are legally accused no where 
 but before the magistrate or the people, but they are calum- 
 niated every where, within doors and vsdthout, in the streets 
 and in the market-place." 
 
 The laws of England are little severe against slander, un- 
 less it be against the great : for as to that action which may 
 be brought for words, as it is founded on the supposal of a 
 trespass, or real injury committed, so juries have so little 
 consideration of any other injury besides what is done to the 
 pocket; that since the statute of 21 James I. cap. 16, which
 
 333 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 limits costs, it is rarely worth any man's while to bring an 
 action for words, unless he can prove special damages. Be- 
 sides, there are several words which cruelly injure a character 
 for M'hich the law gives no remedy. 
 
 Slander arises from several evil passions or dispositions in 
 the mind. The chief of which are, first, revenge ; and which 
 it is a manner of exerting as inconsistent with honour as 
 Christianity : for as the latter teaches us to forgive an enemy, 
 so the former restrains us to an open and generous manner 
 of punishing him; whereas, slander may be properly com- 
 pared to a poisoned weapon, or a stab in the back, and is 
 indeed never used but by such base persons as would use 
 these also. Dr. South expresses himself warmly, but not im- 
 properly on the subject. "It is," sa3-s he, "that killing 
 poisonous arrow drawn out of the devil's quiver, which is al- 
 ways flying about, and doing execution in the dark, against 
 which no virtue is a defence, no innocence a security. It is a 
 weapon forged in hell, and invented by that prime artificer 
 and engineer the devil ; and none but that great God who 
 knows all things and can do all things can protect the best 
 of men against it." 
 
 A second spring from wlience this vice flows is malice. 
 A passion which the Greeks and Latins seem to have an 
 adequate idea of, by assigning it a name immediately derived 
 from those words which signify evil, intimating that this dis- 
 position, as the principal species thereof, is the most worthy to 
 borrow the name of the genus itself. Nay, one of the Pla- 
 tonists expressly affirms, that it is the token of the very 
 worst of men, and of a mind thoroughly polluted with all 
 manner of vice. And as malice is the basest of all passions, 
 so slander is the meanest of all the manner in which it dis- 
 plays itself. But, as it would be alisurd to represent the 
 baseness of an action, with a view of dissuading such cor- 
 rupted minds from its pursuits; I shall therefore address 
 myself only to those who, from less criminal principles, 
 assist these persons in spreading their calumnies, and, being 
 moved perhaps by a little envy or spleen, or wantonness, 
 content themselves that they were not the original authors
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 333 
 
 of the slander, which they use their utmost diligence in pro- 
 moting. To such, as they are not totally abandoned, though 
 very far from being innocent, it may not be improper to rep- 
 resent this vice in its natural, odious colours, and of which 
 the reporter is guilty, though not in so detestable a degree as 
 the first inventor. 
 
 As this vice, except from the malignity of our natures, 
 allures us with no temptation, so it is softened by no excuse. 
 Other robbers, while they do less mischief, if they cannot 
 plead necessity, may at least allege the desire of profit, or 
 of pleasure, in their favour; whereas, this pitiful thief, who 
 steals away our reputation, can say nothing in his defence; 
 his motive, which is a delight in mischief, is even more 
 odious than the act he commits; and while he doth the 
 most sensible and barbarous injury to another, he is so far 
 from acquiring any benefit by it, that he often endangers 
 his own reputation in endeavouring to take away his neigh- 
 bour's. This is finely expressed in the following lines of 
 Shakespeare, which at the same time assert the inestimable 
 value of the possessing, and consequently the injury of being 
 deprived of a good character : 
 
 " Good name in man or woman, dear my lord, 
 Is the immediate jewel of their souls: 
 
 Who steals my purse, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; 
 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and hath been slave to thousands; 
 But he that filches from me my good name 
 Robs me of that which not enriches him 
 And makes me poor indeed." 
 
 Let him who finds a libel, says a great lawyer, immedi- 
 ately burn it. My advice to him who hears a scandalous 
 story is to suppress it, at least until he is certain of its 
 truth; and even then he would do well to weigh the guilt 
 of it with candour, and to examine whether any good con- 
 sequences to others will attend the discovery. A scandalous 
 story should be heard with reluctance, believed with diffi- 
 culty, and published with deliberation : for in this particular, 
 that of Horace is most true, nescit vox missa reverti. Wlien
 
 234 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 we have once set forth the calumny, we can recall it no more, 
 nor can we ever make any amends to the injured party, if 
 we are mistaken; the tongue of the slanderer being like the 
 sword of the murderer, and the loss of reputation almost as 
 irretrievable as that of life. 
 
 So far from hastily publishing a slander, a Christian ought 
 not hastily to believe it. We are well advised to take care 
 in judging him with whom we have nothing to do; for that 
 we judge one way, and God and truth another; how then 
 shall we appear before that dreadful tribunal, where it will 
 not be enough to say that I thought this, or I heard that, 
 and where no man's mistake will warrant an unjust surmise, 
 and much less justify a false censure ? 
 
 y But if every private scandal be of so flagitious a kind, 
 ' how much more heinous must be that which is thrown on a 
 whole body of men, especially that body, which as it ought 
 to be the most secure from, is the most exposed to scandal? 
 And this is a vice into which we could not fall if we con- 
 sidered first, that they are ambassadors from above, and that 
 an affront to them is an affront to their Principal. Secondly, 
 that it is very unlikely, if not incredible, that a body gifted 
 with a double portion of the divine spirit, should be more 
 frail than others, who pretend to no such inspiration. 
 Thirdly, if we considered what a prejudice we, by these 
 means, give to religion in the minds of the vulgar, who 
 never regard precept when it is opposed by example. Let us 
 therefore take care how we represent these as a body of men 
 industriously separating themselves and their interests from 
 the lait}', ambitious of power, and covetous of wealth ; sparing 
 no means, and refusing no conditions to come at either ; who 
 have nothing of a scholar, but the pedantry; of a gentleman, 
 but the pride ; and of a Christian, but the pretence : who are 
 ever slow to commend or reward, but have as great an alac- 
 rity in censure or punishment, and who are so little the fol- 
 lowers of their blessed Master, that as He bore the contempt 
 of all, and despised none; so these, while they are the most 
 impatient of it themselves, are of all men the proncst to the 
 contempt of others. Lastly, whose care of our souls appears
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 235 
 
 only in this candid interpretation of their actions; that, to 
 recommend us to apply our thoughts to another world, they 
 attempt, by impoverishing and enslaving us, to make this not 
 worth our care. 
 
 Such suggestions as these have been too industriously 
 spread, but to what purpose? if they were true, they would 
 be greatly to be lamented; but if false (as undoubtedly they 
 are) what can the inventors and spreaders of them expect 
 less than that punishment wliich is allotted to the devil, the 
 father of lies, and his children? 
 
 Tuesday, March 11, 1739-40. 
 
 Stultus honores 
 
 Scepe dat indignis, et favice servit ineptus; 
 
 Qui stupet in titulis et imaginibus ." — HoEACE. 
 
 My proposal for erecting an hospital for fools hath brought 
 me a great number of letters in very different styles. This, 
 like all other new projects, meets with a various reception, 
 some of my correspondents seem so delighted with it that 
 they do not scruple to assure me, in a kind of rapture, that 
 if I can bring my scheme to perfection, I shall merit more 
 of mankind than all the discoverers of arts and sciences, none 
 of wdiich will be of so universal benefit, being equally calcu- 
 lated for the good of wise men and fools. 
 
 On the other hand, this project is treated by some as wild 
 and romantic. I am asked, whether the whole world are to 
 be shut up for the sake of a few odd fellows? One asserts 
 that government being made for the sake of fools, a politic 
 people should employ no other in their administration. My 
 Lord Shaftesbury ^ is cited, where that noble author says, 
 " It was formerly the wisdom of wise governments to let 
 men be fools as much as they pleased." And the example 
 
 ^ Characterist, vol. i. p. 13.
 
 236 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 of one Crates ^ is produced ; who left his money in the hands 
 of a banker with this condition : " That if his children were 
 fools, he should then give it them; if witty, he should then 
 distribute it amongst the greatest fools of the people." I am 
 farther reminded that Erasmus writ in the praise of folly, 
 and that no one, but myself, had ever been fool enough to 
 write against it. Several wits hint that I have myself a 
 very good title to be admitted into the hospital; and B. T. 
 advises me, if I can get in any subscriptions, to do at least 
 one wise thing in my life, and run away with the money. 
 
 I have been likewise solicited to be more explicit, and to 
 fix the degrees of folly, which may be necessary to admit 
 men, on which point there is much dissension. A gentleman, 
 who signs Dapperwit, and dates from St. James's, advises 
 me to shut up all but persons of a fine understanding and 
 polite taste; whilst another, calling himself Timidus, hopes 
 that it will be sufficient to avoid any danger of the hospital, 
 that he knows his right hand from his left; and adds, in a 
 postscript, that he had but one ticket in the last lottery. 
 
 There are some in a threatening strain, particularly from 
 one ]\Ir. Ca-sa, who often repeats that there are very good 
 laws against false imprisonment; and my former correspond- 
 ent, Mr. Forage, advises me not to call him a fool; and con- 
 cludes, with asking me, if he should be so, what I must think 
 of the whole nation? I am also complimented by a patriot, 
 with liaving contrived a method of accomplishing what the 
 whole body of patriots have so long endeavoured in vain; 
 and at the same time am thanked, by one Philo-Forage, for 
 providing a proper recess for the men only. 
 
 Besides all these, great interest is made for offices in the 
 hospital, particularly for that of physician. Indeed, by the 
 vast number of candidates, it seems they think very little 
 business will be left for the faculty without doors. Several 
 tell me, that, as I shall certainly shut up all their patients, 
 they hope at least that they may be allowed to attend them; 
 and one hath the assurance to say, that he is qualified to be 
 physician in chief, as he is a very silly fellow, and though 
 
 ^ Montaigne, book 3, chap. 9.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 23r 
 
 he hath much business doth not know any thing of the mat- 
 ter; but I must observe, this gentleman hath mistaken my 
 design, and seems to look on my hospital as intended for 
 rogues and not fools. 
 
 The following letter, which I shall give the reader at large, 
 proposes another way to be taken with thenl : — 
 
 Sir, — Your project of providing for fools in an hospital 
 is laughed at by grave men, as very wild and ridiculous. 
 For who can hear of shutting up so vast a number of your 
 people ? Or, who shall be appointed to keep them up against 
 their will? And to what purpose, since I do not find you 
 propose any cure for their folly ? Beside, is it imagined that 
 persons are of no use without any understanding? Surely 
 they are, though in an inferior degree, capable of bodily 
 labour as well as the four-footed part of the creation. 
 
 The source of all the evil which is done by these sort of 
 people, and perhaps of the greatest mischiefs attending so- 
 ciety, is that mistake which is sometimes made of wise men 
 for fools, or (what more frequently happens) of fools for 
 wise men; and this may be prevented in a much easier and 
 clearer way; namely, by setting some outward badge or mark 
 on folly, by which we may be cautioned not to trust our own 
 affairs, or those of the public in improper hands. 
 
 The late Czar of Muscovy, who is known to have greatly 
 laboured in civilising a set of human animals, very little su- 
 perior to the brutes, seems to have hit on this distinction; 
 the author of his memoirs hath inserted the following obser- 
 vation : " The czar's fools are of a different kind from those 
 whom we find in other courts, who are commonly persons of 
 no consequence : whereas, the czar hath several persons of 
 distinction among them, whom his majesty hath condemned 
 for some crime to be fools their whole lives, degrading them 
 thus from humanity whose portion is reason. By this new 
 kind of punishment, very sensibly felt by men of spirit, he 
 kept his nobles in great awe." 
 
 There is perhaps something very ridiculous in condemn- 
 ing a man to be a fool, and I am aware that one of the ob-
 
 238 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 jections which I have made to the hospital will be retorted 
 on me; and I shall be asked where I intend to find persons 
 to execute such judgment, and oblige so many to put on the 
 badge. 
 
 To obviate which, I propose that, instead of condemning 
 men, they may be preferred to be fools. That they may be 
 allured to put on the badge, as children are by a sugar-plum 
 to take a potion. In order to which, I would have the badge 
 itself made of a very glittering tinsel, with an honorary 
 motto, as. In Laudem StuUitioe, or StuUorum Gloria, or 
 Stultitia Possidehimus Astra, or something of that kind. 
 That it should be said to be bestowed on them for their 
 merit, not inflicted on them as a punishment: for if there 
 was a long catalogue of titles or honours fixed to it, while 
 the word Stultitia or folly is visible, there is no danger of 
 imposing on any man of sense; nor will it be of the least 
 ill consequence to those, nor cause any mistake or confusion 
 among them, that the person who is so adorned hath been 
 eagerly solicitous of the ridiculous ornament, that it is 
 called an honour, and given him as a reward: for let him 
 strut never so proudly in his tinsel-glory, the badge to every 
 man of sense will discover the folly of the wearer. 
 
 Solomon, who is the first champion who had ever the bold- 
 ness to enter the list with fools, is by some thought to have 
 meant nothing more than this badge by that rod which he 
 recommends for their back; in defence of which opinion 
 they allege that it is unlikely so wise a man should ordain 
 any punishment for those who are unfortunate rather than 
 guilty; but others, who have less tenderness for persons of 
 this denomination, assert that Solomon by the word fool, 
 means every where a wicked man or a rogue; nay, they in- 
 sist that the words rogue and fool are convertible terms; 
 and they argue thus: what can be greater symptom of folly 
 than for a man to attempt any thing by means which directly 
 tend to destroy his aim; now, as ambition, which is nothing 
 more than a desire of fame or esteem in the minds of men, 
 is the chief motive to all great villainy (for avarice itself 
 hath ambition in view) and as villainy is the certain road to
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 239 
 
 infamy, how does a great rogue differ from the folly of a 
 child who is industrious to destroy its own plaything? And 
 can any one deny but that the greatest rogue is the greatest 
 fool in the kingdom? A truth which, however strange it 
 may be to our ears, I hope will shortly be acknowledged by 
 all among us who have no badge on. 
 
 Those who have travelled in the west of England, know 
 that there are certain extraordinary edifices, which though 
 they do indeed discover the excellent taste of the architects, 
 are by the ignorant vulgar distinguished by the name of Mr. 
 Such-a-one's Folly; in like manner, when we see a stately 
 house, or fine pictures, or a splendid equipage, which we 
 know to have been the purchase of any base and scandalous 
 measures, and for which the owner hath either sold his con- 
 science or his country, instead of gratifying him with our 
 admiration, let us only cry with contempt, that is Mr. Such- 
 a-one's Folly. Thus the wages of iniquity, if not death, would 
 at least be shame. 
 
 This will be easily brought about when we have once es- 
 tablished the badge, but as that may take some time, so that 
 the fools may perhaps carry on their affairs in triumph a year 
 or two longer : I recommend it to you, Mr. Champion, in the 
 mean time to find out some figurative badge (a province in 
 which you are pretty eminent) to distinguish them by; at 
 least, those of most consequence, and who are most capable 
 of doing mischief. Believe me, you will in this do a very 
 great and very seasonable service to your country; (in which 
 all who are not candidates for the badge must approve and 
 encourage your labours) for I will tell a great rogue this, 
 however he may affect a contempt for men of wits and parts, 
 there is nothing so repugnant to his roguery, or so danger- 
 ous to himself, as to have it universally known that he is a 
 fool.
 
 240 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 Thursday, MarcJi 13, 1739-40. 
 
 " Torrere parant ." — ViEGlL. 
 
 There is a certain diversion called roasting, which, not- 
 withstanding it is in some vogue with the polite part of the 
 world, I have no notion of. This term is well known to be 
 taken from cooker}', from whence those who are great adepts 
 in the art, borrow also several others; such as putting the 
 person to be roasted on the spit, turning him round till he 
 is done enough, &c. 
 
 But though this, as I have said before, is thought a very 
 delicate entertainment by some people of good taste, yet, as 
 it is attended with great pain and torment to the poor wretch 
 who is thus roasted alive, I have always thought it too bar- 
 barous a sacrifice to luxury. Nor have I ever more willingly 
 given in to it, than in to those cruelties which are executed 
 on particular animals in order to heighten their flavour; I 
 am an utter enemy to all roasting alive, from this which is 
 performed on one of our own species to that which is prac- 
 tised on a lobster. 
 
 It hath been thought, that this custom of man-roasting was 
 originally introduced among us from some nation of canni- 
 bals: it is indeed more than probable that our savage ances- 
 tors used to eat the flesh of their enemies roasted in this 
 manner; though this latter custom hath been so long left off, 
 that we find no traces thereof in our annals. 
 
 A learned antiquarian of my acquaintance does not carry 
 the original of this custom so high : he derives it only from 
 the roasting of heretics, in use among the Eoman Church, 
 and fancies it an unextirpated remain of that barbarous exe- 
 cution. He brings, as a strengthener of this his opinion, the 
 choice which we make of an odd creature, or in his own 
 words, a heretic to the common forms of behaviour to per- 
 form it on. He is a great enemy to this practice, being as 
 he thinks, more consistent with the principles of Jesuitism 
 than true Christianity.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 241 
 
 But, for my part, I imagine this term of roasting to have 
 been given to this diversion, from the torments which the 
 person spitted is supposed to endure in his mind, even equal 
 to those bodily pains which he would undergo, was he to 
 be roasted alive. 
 
 Now the pleasure which we take in such amusements as 
 this, must arise either from a great depravity of nature, 
 which delights in the miseries and misfortunes of mankind, 
 or from a pride which we take in comparing the blemishes 
 of others with our own perfections. 
 
 As for the first, my Lord Shaftesbury says, " There is an 
 affection nearly related to inhumanity, which is a gay and 
 frolicsome delight in what is injurious to others, a sort of 
 wanton mischievousness and pleasure in what is destructive, 
 a passion, which, instead of being restrained, is encouraged in 
 children, so that it is indeed no wonder if the effects of it 
 are very unfortunately felt in the world : for it vtdll be hard, 
 perhaps, for any one to give a reason, why that temper, which 
 was used to delight in disorder, and ravage when in a nur- 
 sery, should not afterwards find delight in other disturbances, 
 and be the occasion of equal mischiefs in families among 
 friends, and in the public." I advise all parents to whip 
 this spirit out of their children, the doing which may be 
 truly called a wholesome severity. 
 
 And, surely, if we thoroughly searched the bottom of our 
 own minds, few of us would have frequent cause of triumph 
 in these comparisons. Perhaps, indeed, we are without that 
 particular blemish which we ridicule in another; but at the 
 same time, let us carefully consider whether we have not as 
 great imperfections of another kind. I have often observed 
 in life, the person roasted to be infinitely superior to those 
 who (to use a word of their own) have enjoyed him. To say 
 the truth, the least oddity in behaviour, the most inoffensive 
 peculiarity often exposes a man of sense and virtue, to the 
 ridicule of those who are in every degree his inferiors. These 
 seem to lie in weight for, and catch at every opportunity to 
 pull down a man, whom nature hath placed so far above 
 them. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 16
 
 342 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 But, though the generality of roasters be of this kind, and 
 the buffoons they use such as may be very aptly called turn- 
 spits, the lowest and most despicable of their kind, yet I have 
 known some of sense and good-nature too forwardly give in 
 to this diversion. Men, who would by no means have con- 
 sented to do any other injury, reputing this innocent and 
 harmless. These, did they consider the nature and conse- 
 quence of their pursuing this amusement, would, I believe, 
 soon condemn it. 
 
 If a man be wholly insensible of his being the jest and 
 scorn of the company, if he be so unaffected with it, as to 
 be quite easy and contented, and satisfied with himself this 
 while, such a person can be little more than a direct idiot, 
 and is a melancholy, not a pleasant spectacle : for my part, 
 I have always shunned the sight of a monster, an abortion 
 or imperfection in nature. I consider myself as a son of 
 this great and general mother, I feel a kind of filial pity, and 
 can by no means be delighted with any of her monstrous 
 births. And surely a human creature without understanding, 
 is a more horrible object than one born without arms, legs, 
 or any other of its members. Such a one is the object of 
 pity, not of scoff and merriment; nor should I entertain a 
 good opinion of him, who could go to Bedlam, and divert 
 himself with the dreadful frenzies, and monstrous absurdi- 
 ties, of the wretches there. 
 
 But, if we conceive the subject of our ridicule to be of a 
 more sensible composition, that he sees in himself the de- 
 formity, or, perhaps, incurable oddity which renders him the 
 object of contempt ; it will be difficult to illustrate his misery 
 by any lively comparison. Contempt is, I believe, of all 
 things the most uneasily to be endured by the generality of 
 men. It gnaws and preys on our very vitals, and by how 
 much less the person so affected discovers it, by so much he 
 often feels it the more acutely. I have seen a man in the 
 highest agony, and even in a cold sweat, from being dis- 
 played by some ridiculous buffoon, who hath at the same time. 
 as they call it, played him off with such nicety, that it was 
 impossible for the other to take hold of any thing for which
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 243 
 
 he might call him to an account. I am always apt, at such 
 times, to pity the person who is thus turned into ridicule, 
 and seldom or never join the laugh against him. Nay, it is 
 not unusual with me, to attack the turnspit himself, in which 
 I have heen often so successful, that I have turned the whole 
 current of laughter that way. I cannot but observe, with 
 great pleasure, the double delight of the company on these 
 occasions : for nothing ever roasts so kindly as a turnspit. 
 
 Some persons have fallen into this way, in order to estab- 
 lish a reputation for wit, though with great absurdity: for 
 nothing is so sure a sign of wanting it, as flying to these 
 mean resources to appear to have it. A roaster gives me as 
 low an idea of his wit, as a bully does of his courage. These 
 beautiful qualities, where they are, will always appear. They 
 are the fool and the coward, who are continually searching 
 out weak objects on whom to display their mock talents with 
 safety. And it is generally in the dullest company that this 
 most abounds. 
 
 If we consider this diversion in the worst light, it will ap- 
 pear to be no other than a delight in seeing the miseries, mis- 
 fortunes, and frailties of mankind displayed; and a pleasure 
 and joy conceived in their sufferings therein, A pleasure, 
 perhaps, as inhuman, and which must arise from a nature 
 as thoroughly corrupt and diabolical, as can possibly pollute 
 the mind of man. 
 
 Saturday, March 15, 1739-40. 
 " Excessit medicina modum." — Lucan. 
 
 It will be found, I believe, a pretty just observation, that 
 many more vices and follies arrive in the world through excess 
 than neglect. Passion hurries ten beyond the mark, for one 
 whom indolence holds short of it. As there never was a better 
 rule for the conduct of human life than what is conveyed in 
 that excellent short sentence — Ne quid nimis — so there is 
 none so seldom observed. ISTo character is oftener represented
 
 244 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 on the stage of the world than that of Justice Overdo in the 
 nest of fools ; men often become, ridiculous or odious by over- 
 acting even a laudable part : for Virtue itself, by growing too 
 exuberant, and (if I may be allowed a metaphor) by running 
 to seed changes its very nature, and becomes a most pernicious 
 weed of a most beautiful flower. 
 
 Nothing can be more becoming than modesty in women. 
 Indeed, she who wants it is a kind of monster in nature, a 
 sort of frightful prodigy; yet even this amiable quality may 
 be carried too far, may be distorted into affectation and 
 prudery, and make a woman what Sir Richard Steele calls 
 outrageously virtuous. 
 
 Civility or complacence is a quality entirely necessary to 
 the humanising mankind, without which they would degen- 
 erate into brutes and savages ; yet this, when too extravagant, 
 renders the possessor ridiculous in himself and troublesome 
 to others. I have known two men catch cold, by contending 
 which should go last out of the rain ; and have seen an elegant 
 dish spoiled at an entertainment, while the well bred guests 
 have been shifting it from one to t'other. This troublesome 
 overdoing in civility proceeds generally from a well-inclined 
 temper, encouraged by a narrow education, and is entirely 
 abandoned by all the well-bred people of our age. 
 
 Friendship and love, in persons who want delicacy, become 
 often nauseous and distasteful. We have a vulgar phrase, by 
 which we express our contempt for excess in the latter, by 
 saying, such a man pins himself to his wife's girdle. I have 
 known some couples so extravagantly fond of each other, that 
 their whole acquaintance have been witnesses of their tenderest 
 endearments: but I must remark here, that as this excess is 
 not very common, so it seldom lasts long. 
 
 Most professions lose their merit, and become useless or 
 hurtful to mankind by this talent in their professors. 
 
 Physicians have dosed more people out of the world than 
 have ever died for want of medicines. The apothecary in 
 Garth, tells the doctor, 
 
 " Your ink descends in such excessive show'rs, 
 'Tis plain you can regard no health but ours."
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 245 
 
 Moliere, who was the severest enemy to this faculty, hath 
 levelled his sharpest satire against this part of their character. 
 
 Eeligion and laws have been adulterated with so many 
 needless and impertinent ceremonies, that they have been too 
 often drawn into doubt and obscurity. Some divines and 
 lawyers have by one faculty of overdoing contributed as 
 much as in them lay to deprive mankind of the benefit arising 
 from those invaluable blessings. The liberal arts have suf- 
 fered from the same cause. 
 
 Cicero tells us, that Apelles imputed the faults of most of 
 the painters of his time to their overdoing. Pictores eos 
 errare dicebat qui non sentirent quid esset satis. 
 
 Few have deserved that praise which Pliny gives to a cer- 
 tain painter named Timai. In all whose v/orks (says he) 
 there is more to be understood than is expressed. 
 
 Homer, who hath been styled the prince of poets, is too 
 often inclined to overdoing. He is too prolix in his narra- 
 tions, and much too frequent in his repetitions; insomuch, 
 that a very excellent critic accuses him of an intemperance 
 of words. This was a fault from which Virgil was entirely 
 clear, and yet Augustus, in his orders to Tucca and Varius 
 concerning the edition of his works, gives them full leave to 
 retrench any superfluities therein, but by no means to insert 
 any addition. Such an esteepi had that polite prince of 
 conciseness, and such a detestation of all redundancy in 
 writing. 
 
 Ovid hath been justly censured for his exuberance of fancy, 
 he hath been guilty of the same multiplication of ideas which 
 Homer hath of words. In his Met&morphoses he is always 
 unwilling to quit his subject. His description of the flood 
 of Deucalion is a perfect chaos of images. It is the glaring 
 blemish in that admirable work, wherein there is scarce a 
 page but what abounds with instances of this nature. 
 
 Young authors, and all those who have more imagination 
 than judgment, are continually guilty of this vice. They 
 think they have never said enough on a subject, and are apt 
 to heap idea on idea till they have tired and confused their 
 readers.
 
 346 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 That laborious tribe the commentators, are to a man full 
 of this overdoing quality. They ever 
 
 " Explain a thing till all men doubt it. 
 And write about it, goddess, and about it," 
 
 which is so just an observation that the mind of a reader, 
 who should examine the commentaries on Virgil or Horace, 
 would be in as perplexed a condition as that of Judge Gripus, 
 who very humorously complains tliat every new evidence 
 only tends to darken and embarrass a case which was plain 
 enough before. 
 
 It hath been the tenet of some philosophers, that the orig- 
 inal matter of the whole universe might be reduced within 
 the compass of a nutshell. I shall not assert into what nar- 
 row bounds all that is truly excellent in authors might be 
 reduced, but I am confident the very best might be retrenched 
 within much fewer pages than they at present consist of. We 
 ma}^, I believe, notwithstanding what I have observed before 
 of the ^neid, conclude, that had Virgil lived to the com- 
 pleting it, it would have been not a little shorter than it now 
 is. It was well ansvrered by Archbishop Tillotson to King 
 William, when he complained of the shortness of his sermon : 
 " Sir," said the bishop, "could I have bestowed more time 
 on it, it would not have been so long." 
 
 Horace, in his Art of Poetry, particularly recommends an 
 exact and severe defalcation of all superfluous members in 
 poetry. He himself practises this rule every where with the 
 greatest exactness; co much dreading the contrary, that in 
 one of hie epistles, when he apprehends himself in danger of 
 running into too great a length, he stops short, and ends in 
 almost an abrupt manner, 
 
 " A^e me verbosi scrinia lippi 
 
 Compilasse putes — vcrbum non amplius addam." 
 
 Juvenal reprehends this vice as the very first in his 
 Codrus 
 
 " Impune diem consumpserit itigens 
 Scriptus et in tergo nee dum finitus Orestes" 
 
 This will be eternally found in all bad authors.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 347 
 
 That I may not be guilty of the vice I am declaiming 
 against, I shall end this torrent of quotations, into which I 
 have been unavoidably drawn, by recommending this golden 
 rule of conciseness, or as it is somewhere called the golden 
 mean, to all my readers. Since it is certain, that by the 
 contrary method, whatever is truly excellent loses half its 
 praise, and whatever is ridiculous or odious receives double 
 the aggravation. 
 
 Thursday, March 20, 1739-40. 
 
 " Mores hominum multorum vidit." — HoBACE. 
 
 There are a sort of men so sceptical in their opinions, 
 that they are unwilling to believe any thing which they do 
 not see. I know a gentleman of good sense in the country, 
 who hath never been farther than to the assizes which are 
 held in his own country^ who does not believe that there 
 are any such diversions as masquerades or Italian Operas; 
 he gives very little faith likewise to the accounts of enter- 
 tainments at tlie play-houses, the custom of visiting, and 
 several others; nay, upon my once telling him it was usual 
 for lusty young fellows to give two men a shilling for carry- 
 ing them in a thing called a chair, from one street to the 
 other, he shook his head with a disdainful sneer, and cried, 
 " Ay, persuade me to that if you can." 
 
 This infidelity hath been much complained of by travellers, 
 who, if they advance any thing foreign to the habits and 
 customs of our own country, have often the lie secretly given 
 them by their home-bred hearers; which want of faith is so 
 general, that it hath given rise to a proverb ; and when a man 
 would give you gently to understand that your story meets 
 with no credit from the company, it is usual to desire you, 
 not to put the traveller upon them. 
 
 Those who have obliged the world with written accounts 
 of their voyages have very severely experienced this temper.
 
 248 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 more especially those who have treated of remoter countries, 
 and such as few people know any thing of besides themselves. 
 Several excellent accounts of Asia and Africa have been looked 
 on as little better than fabulous romances. But, if a traveller 
 hath the good fortune to satisfy his curiosity by the discovery 
 of any new countries, any islands never before known, his 
 reader allows him no more credit than is given to the ad- 
 ventures of Cassandra, or the celebrated Countess Danois's 
 fairy tales. To omit Eobinson Crusoe, and other grave 
 writers, the facetious Captain Gulliver is more admired, I 
 believe, for his wit than his truth ; and I have been informed, 
 that several ignorant people doubt at this day whether there 
 be really any such places as Lilliput, Laputa, &c. 
 
 Notwithstanding this discouragement, I shall venture to 
 give the reader some extracts from the voyages of one of my 
 ancestors, and if I find they are well received by the public, 
 may very probably, some time or other, present them with 
 the whole collection. I shall communicate them in the words 
 of my ancestor. 
 
 SOME EXTEACTS 
 OUT OF THE VOYAGES OF MR. JOB VINEGAR 
 
 BOOK V. CHAPTER III. 
 
 Of the Government, Manners, Habits, &c., of the 
 Ptfghsiumgski^ or the Inconstants. 
 
 Every town in this country hath an independent govern- 
 ment, nor doth any appeal lie from one court to another. As 
 the history of the known world doth not produce any thing 
 resembling their polity, it will be impossible for me to reduce 
 it to any of those general heads under which our several 
 species of government have been defined by political writers. 
 One of their learned men, after I had informed him of those 
 which we commonly know, told me he could give no better
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 249 
 
 name to theirs, than that of Stlto-Frtocy, a word very difficult 
 to translate. These wise people have two methods of electing 
 their magistrates, which are by weight and measure; for 
 which purpose every town hath a large chair erected, and near 
 it a pair of scales. No man can be admitted to the magistracy 
 till he is of such an exact weight, and likewise fills the chair: 
 for which reason, they have two phrases to express their 
 highest opinion of their countrymen, viz : He fills his post 
 with great ability, or, He is a man of great weight in his 
 country. By this method they preserve an exact symmetry 
 among their magistrates, who are called a Crpus, or one body, 
 which rule being likewise observed in their dress, by them 
 called Ick-Pddng, strikes a very great awe into the eyes of the 
 beholders of their processions. 
 
 The magistrates frequently summon certain councils, the 
 better to maintain good order and sobriety. These the natives 
 call Drnkn-Bts, and they sometimes continue fourteen hours 
 together. 
 
 Every one of these towns keeps a calf's skin in a box, 
 which they preserve with the utmost care and veneration. 
 This inspired some of our sailors with an imagination that 
 these people drew their religion from the worship of the 
 golden calf: but, besides that, there is no reason to believe 
 that the Bible, or indeed any part of either the Jewish or 
 Christian religion, was ever heard of in this country; so it is 
 certain that what the sailors, who never learnt a word of their 
 language, looked on as religion and law were nothing more 
 than the public shows or diversions of these people. 
 
 For the representation of those shows, which our crew 
 fancied to have something of religious worship in them, there 
 are in every town one or more large edifices or theatres, which 
 are maintained at the public expense : in the largest of these 
 they generally perform their operas ; for which, besides a large 
 number of voices, they maintain likewise several grave r>er- 
 sons at a more considerable stipend, only to beat time. Their 
 other theatrical representations are confined to so few char- 
 acters, that they are rather like lectures than comedies. And 
 I have been told by several of the natives, that some of them
 
 250 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 contain very excellent lessons of morality. The magistrates 
 go to them in form, where, as it is often the only vacations 
 they have from the above-mentioned councils, they all go to 
 sleep ; which, together with the behaviour of most of the other 
 spectators, assures me there is nothing religious in their meet- 
 ings ; for, indeed, the behaviour of the performers would other- 
 wise incline me to the contrary opinion. 
 
 As to that part of their public diversions which our men 
 mistook for law, it is a game unlike any thing practised in 
 Europe, and may be played by one or two, or sometimes ten 
 of a side. There are two balls, one of which they call Pit, 
 and the other Dft. The gamesters are furnished with rackets 
 called Brfs, with which they beat the two balls from one to 
 the other; young, robust gamesters sometimes strike them 
 away immediately, but those who are more experienced will 
 keep them up till they are beaten to pieces. As this is the 
 most consummate perfection in the game, so they are reckoned 
 the most dexterous gamesters who strike the ball in such a 
 manner to the adversary, as he may be capable of returning 
 it. There is sometimes one, and sometimes four umpires of 
 this game; and if well played, it affords excellent sport to 
 the spectators. 
 
 The reader will not wonder that the sailors, who, as I 
 have said before, did not understand their language, should 
 mistake those pompous exhibitions above-mentioned for their 
 religion, since indeed they are the only signs which they 
 discover of any; for these good people invert hypocrisy, and 
 deny their deity with their tongues, whilst they worship him 
 in their hearts. They are, perhaps, the only people in the 
 world who pretend to less religion than they really have, in 
 which particularity they are so eminent, that I never met 
 with one who would confess he had any, though I was after- 
 wards well assured from the nicest observation, that a general 
 zeal ran throus^h the whole countrv. 
 
 The name of their deity is Mney, which our chaplain, who 
 had formerly heard something of Greek, would have derived 
 from ixvrja-i'i, memory: but besides that it is unlikely that 
 this language should have ever come to their ears, those
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 251 
 
 learned men whom I conversed with (some of whom were 
 members of their Ryl Sety) not understanding one word of 
 it, and expressing, at the same time, a very great contempt 
 for it, there is not any reason for that conjecture. 
 
 This deity they all worship in the most private manner 
 imaginable, concealing their respect to him from each other, 
 with the utmost caution; which is done by them, as I at last 
 discovered, to gain the ascendant in his favour, every one 
 being desirous, if possible, to have him all to themselves, 
 which indeed, they stick at no pains nor labour to accomplish. 
 
 They imagine that all things are in the power of Mney. 
 (I mean all things in this world; for as to the immortality 
 of the soul, they believe nothing of it; nay, the greatest un- 
 easiness some of them have at death, is that they must part 
 with their dear Mney.) To Mney they attribute all honour 
 and respect, and value those most, who (to use their country 
 idiom) have most Mney. I have sometimes expressed a sur- 
 prise at seeing the great adoration they have shown to some 
 who appeared to me in every particular inferior to the rest 
 of their countrymen; on which occasion, instead of removing 
 my objection, ah ! sir, said they, such-a-one hath a great deal 
 of Mney; nor can I omit, that being once very much amazed 
 at observing the neglect which was generally shown to one 
 of the best and wisest among them, they told me he was an 
 Extrvgnt fellow, and had not taken sufficient care of his Mney : 
 for as they all love their deity well enough to eat him, so they 
 always speak of him as their own, mine, his, &c. 
 
 Nothing can more show the true piety and goodness of 
 these people, than the great care they take of educating their 
 youth. 
 
 Their children are very early nourished in the principles of 
 their religion. They are instructed by their parents, to keep 
 Mney in their pocket. That if they have Mney there, they 
 will have credit in the world, &c. As some nations have 
 proposed to instruct children in virtue, honour, love of their 
 country; so these people take all possible care to instil into 
 tender minds a violent zeal for Mney; in which they succeed 
 so well, that I have seen a child of twelve years old very
 
 253 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 plainly discover that he was capable of doing as much for 
 Mney as his parents ; who, though they were very good people, 
 would have cut the throats of half their countrymen if they 
 could have gained Mney by it. 
 
 While I resided among them there prevailed a very violent 
 schism in their Church. A small number, about three hun- 
 dred, I think, with Hum Clum their high priest, at their 
 head, pretended to keep Mney entirely to themselves, and 
 that nobody should have any Mney, but those who pleased 
 Hum Clum. But as my paper is growing into length my 
 reader must suspend his further curiosity till another time. 
 
 Saturday, March 23, 1739-40. 
 " Gaudet equis." — Horace. 
 
 Standing the other day, in Fleet Street, with my son the 
 Templar, and being prevented from crossing the way by what 
 they call a stop of coaches, I observed, with great indignation, 
 an ill-looking fellow most cruelly lashing a pair of starved 
 horses, who laboured to the utmost of their power to drag on 
 a heavy burthen. And, as they were prevented from making 
 greater haste, even had they been able, by the coaches which 
 were before them, this gentleman must have exercised his arm 
 thus for nothing more than his own innocent diversion, at 
 the expense of the skins of these poor unhappy beasts. 
 
 As I look on myself to have been sent into the world as 
 a general blessing, that I am endowed with so much strength 
 and resolution to redress all grievances whatsoever, and to 
 defend and protect the brute creation, as well as my own 
 species from all manner of insult and barbarity, which, 
 however exercised, is, after the several severe edicts I have 
 published, no less than a most impudent opposition to my 
 authority, I had certainly pulled the fellow from his box, and
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 253 
 
 laid my little finger on him, had not my son interposed, and 
 begged me not to raise a disturbance, by punishing him 
 there : for that he had marked his number, and that I might 
 find him at my leisure. Whether the fellow saw my brows 
 knit at him, a sight very few people are able to endure, I 
 can't tell, but he began to withhold his whipping, and suf- 
 fered me to be persuaded by my son, especially as there were 
 some ladies in his coach, whom I would by no means have 
 ventured to frighten by such an execution. 
 
 My son Tom told me, as we pursued our walk, that he had 
 a facetious acquaintance in the Temple, who professed the 
 Pythagorean principles, and affirms that he believes the trans- 
 migration of souls. This gentleman, as Tom informed me, 
 comforts himself on all such occasions with a persuasion that 
 the beasts he sees thus abused have formerly been tht-mselves 
 hackney coachmen; and that the soul of the then driver will 
 in his turn pass into the horse, and suffer the same punish- 
 ment which he so barbarously inflicts on others. 
 
 But to pass by such whimsical opinions, I have often 
 thought that the wisdom of the legislature would not have 
 been unworthily employed in contriving some law to prevent 
 those barbarities which we so often see practised on these 
 domestic creatures. A boy should, in my opinion, be more 
 severely punished for exercising cruelty on a dog or a cat, 
 or any other animal, than for stealing a few pence or shillings, 
 or any of those lesser crimes which our courts of justice take 
 notice of. 
 
 The Bannians, a people of East India, carry their friend- 
 ship fo all manner of animals to the highest degree of excess. 
 Some of these dedicate their whole lives and fortunes to the 
 care and service of particular creatures, even the lowest and 
 most despicable. They will hire men to be tied down in 
 certain places, in order to give a repast to fleas, lice, and 
 other vermin that prey on human blood ; and buy the liberty 
 of a captive sparrow at a great price from our young factors, 
 who turn this temper of theirs to a considerable advantage. 
 How ridiculous soever this superstition may appear, it hath 
 nothing odious in it, and is highly preferable to that cruelty
 
 254 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 which the Europeans practise without incurring any blame 
 or censure for it. 
 
 But I shall confine myself, at present, to that animal which 
 gave rise to this essay; and which, though it seems to de- 
 serve our most especial regard, is often treated by us with 
 the most detestable cruelty. 
 
 I have been often pleased with the opinion which the poor 
 wretches, whom the Spaniards conquered in America, enter- 
 tained of this noble animal, to which they offered great part 
 of the treasure they brought to the Spaniards at their peti- 
 tioning for peace. Looking on them, says my author, to be of 
 a nature superior to themselves, and fancying their neighing 
 to be tokens of concord and goodwill, in a language not un- 
 derstood by them. 
 
 Several writers, who have undertaken to degrade human 
 understanding to the level of brutes, have insisted much on 
 the great wisdom and sagacity of a horse ; and though I would 
 by no means enlist myself in the number of these writers, 
 I must confess I have often made comparisons between a 
 man and his horse, not much to the advantage of the rider. 
 
 The history of a hero hath been scarce thought complete 
 without some description of his horse ; the horses of Alexander 
 and Csesar are consecrated to fame with their riders. It is 
 reported of the latter, that he would stoop to take up his 
 master, though he would condescend to admit no other on 
 his back. Indeed, I have known a horse, who hath not be- 
 longed to a hero, who would be rid by none but his own 
 master. 
 
 Eomance generally acquaints us with the name and virtues 
 of the horse as well as the hero. Thus the famous Cid's horse 
 was called Balieca, and that great and renowned knight Don 
 Quixote thus expresses himself in favour of Eozinante : — 
 *' Thou wise enchanter, whoever thou art, who shall chronicle 
 these my achievements, I desire thee not to forget my good 
 horse Eozinante, mine eternal and inseparable companion 
 in all my travels and adventures." Nor do I think it pos- 
 sible to read that excellent history without conceiving a very 
 great affection for that renowned beast.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 255 
 
 The honours which Caligula conferred on his horse, are too 
 well known to need any expatiating on here; and I think 
 it may be observed to their reputation, that all great per- 
 sonages ancient and modern, have chose to communicate their 
 graces to posterity by equestrian statues. 
 
 There have not been wanting some generous spirits among 
 us, who have exerted themselves in defence of this noble 
 animal. A celebrated Eecorder of London is reported in his 
 condemnation of a highwayman to have taken notice of a 
 slain horse, whose innocent blood called for vengeance on its 
 murtherer. Nor is it a little to the honour of a horse, that 
 he is, till very lately, the only animal which it was felony 
 without benefit of clergy to steal. 
 
 It may likewise show some respect to this creature^ that 
 the continuation of his health is thought of that superior 
 importance, that several professors of medicine, to whom we 
 give the degree or title of doctor, get a livelihood by it. Nay, 
 I have heard it asserted, that greater learning and capacity 
 is required in these horse-doctors than in any others. In- 
 asmuch, as 8 horse is unable to tell his distemper to his 
 physician, which other patients can; and though he can put 
 out his tongue, it is very difficult to feel his pulse. 
 
 Moreover, there are some of our own countrymen, who 
 may seem to rival even the Bannians, in their fondness for 
 chis creature, and make no scruple of spending great part of 
 their fortunes upon them. And we have, likewise, several 
 country gentlemen, who are so amused with the conversation 
 of their horses, that they spend great part of their time in 
 the stable. 
 
 The affection which our ladies bear to this noble brute, 
 is not less remarkable. It is common for a woman to prefer 
 one lover to another, for keeping four horses more than his 
 rival. Indeed, some good women in this town are so fond 
 of them, that they are never easy but when they have them 
 before their eyes. 
 
 And whether we observe the great beauty of this animal, 
 its swiftness, its strength, the obedience which it pays to 
 man, with its great usefulness on all occasions, how much it
 
 256 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 contributes to health, to business, to diversion; and lastly, 
 how often the lives of men have been preserved by the remedies 
 which the swiftness of the horse hath timely conveyed to 
 them, we shall see great reason for the utmost affection we 
 can show them in return. 
 
 Thursday, March 27, 1740. 
 
 " "Naturd propensi sumus ad diligendos homines." — Cicero De Leg. 
 
 r Whatever sour ideas may be annexed to the name of 
 
 \ Vinegar, no family hath been more remarked for sweetness 
 
 of temper than ours; and as for myself, those who know me 
 
 thoroughly, agree in calling me the best natured man in the 
 
 world. 
 
 It hath been remarked by some learned men that this 
 word can be expressed in no other language than the English, 
 by which I suppose they mean the Latins never used bona 
 naiura, or the Greeks ^uo-t? oXaBrj, for surely they do not 
 intend that they had no such idea as we convey by that word : 
 for besides ^tXav^pojTrta and the verbs <f>i\av9poiTre(j) and 
 (f>L\av6poyir€voiJLaL which we have no single verb to answer, 
 what are ev/xcv«ia and many others, besides ^tXo<^pa)v, ^iXo- 
 <f>po(rvvrj and ii.Xo(j>poveofjiaL, words which require a long peri- 
 phrasis in our language to express them? Or what idea do 
 we conceive from comitas, henignitas, henevolentia, humanitas, 
 &c. ? Indeed, the ancients seem to have looked on what we 
 call good-nature as a quality almost inseparable from nature 
 itself, as appears in the motto of this paper, and several 
 other passages of the same and other authors, particularly in 
 that famous Stoic rant (as a modern writer calls it) wherein 
 ill-nature is represented niagis contra naturam quam mors 
 quam paupertas quam cetera omnia, &e. And whoever reads 
 the works of Plato will be very little inclined to imagine 
 that the ancients either wanted the idea of good nature, or 
 words to express it. 
 
 No virtue or quality in the mind of man hath met with
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 257 
 
 so various a reception as this. Whilst some few have held it 
 in the most sacred esteem, several wise men have considered 
 it as a mark of folly and weakness, and several brave men 
 have despised it as a certain indication of cowardice or 
 pusillanimity. 
 
 I am apt to suspect, when I see sensible men totally differ 
 in opinion concerning any general word, that the complex idea 
 in their several minds which this word represents is com- 
 pounded of very different simples. " Those gross and con- 
 fused conceptions (says Mr. Locke) which men ordinarily 
 have, and to which they apply the common words of their 
 language may serve them well enough in their ordinary dis- 
 courses and affairs ; but this is not sufficient for philosophical 
 inquirers." And a little lower in the same page this great 
 man declares, that the most he " can find in all the volumes 
 and varieties of controversies with which the world is dis- 
 tracted, is, that the contending learned men of different 
 parties do, in their arguings with one another, speak dif- 
 ferent languages." I will venture to illustrate this by a 
 familiar instance: suppose an apothecary (as perhaps they 
 often do) after miixing up a most pleasant cordial, and a 
 most nauseous potion for different patients, should write the 
 same hard word (Haustipotifcrous Draughty for example,) 
 on each of the bottles, would not these two patients ever after 
 conceive very different ideas of Haustipotiferous, and would 
 not they stare equally at each other, Avhen the one commended 
 the pleasantness, and the other exclaimed against the nau- 
 seousness of the draught? 
 
 This I apprehend may 1)0 the case in good-nature ; for the 
 common use of the words, without certain and fixed ideas 
 annexed to tliem, will not at all mend the matter. I shall 
 therefore endeavour to ascertain the idea of a good-natured 
 man, for which purpose, I shall take these different ideas to 
 pieces, and reduce them according to Aristotle's method into 
 the eXaxto-ra fx.6pLa, or their simple parts : for, as Cicero hints 
 in the sam.e treatise from whence I have taken my motto, 
 error generally arises cum non hene provisa nee satis diligcnter 
 explorata Principia ponuntur. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 17
 
 258 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 And this is really no more tlian to show first what good- 
 nature really is, and secondly, what it is not. 
 
 Good-nature is a delight in the happiness of mankind, and 
 a concern at their misery, with a desire, as much as possible, 
 to procure the former, and avert the latter ; and this, with a 
 constant regard to desert. 
 
 Good-nature is not that weakness which, without distinc- 
 tion, affects both the virtuous and the base, and equally 
 laments the punishment of villainy, with the disappointment 
 of merit; for as this admirable quality respects the whole, 
 so it must give up the particular, to the good of the general. 
 
 It is not that cowardice which prevents us from repelling 
 or resenting an injury ; for it doth not divest us of humanity, 
 and like charity, though it doth not end, may at least begin 
 at home. 
 
 From these propositions, the truth of which will not, I be- 
 lieve, be denied, unless, for the sake of argument, I draw the 
 f olloAving conclusions : 
 
 That those who include folly and cowardice, as the certain 
 ingredients of good-nature, compound their idea of good- 
 nature of very different simples from those who exclude them. 
 
 That as good-nature requires a distinguishing faculty, which 
 is another word for judgment, and is perhaps the sole boundary 
 between wisdom and folly; it is impossible for a fool, who 
 hath no distinguishing faculty, to be good-natured. 
 
 That as good-nature, which is the chief if not only quality 
 in the mind of man in the least tending that way, doth not 
 forbid the avenging an injury, Christianity hath taught us 
 something beyond what the religion of nature and philoso- 
 phy could arrive at; and consequently, that it is not as old 
 as the creation, nor is revelation useless with regard to mor- 
 ality, if it had taught us no more than this excellent doctrine, 
 which, if generally followed, would make mankind much 
 happier, as well as better than they are. 
 
 That to be averse to, and repine at the punishment of vice 
 and villainy, is not the mark of good-nature but folly ; on the 
 contrary, to bring a real and great criminal to justice, is, 
 perhaps, the best natured office we can perform to society.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 259 
 
 and the prosecutor, the juryman, the judge, and the hangman 
 himself may do their duty without injuring this character; 
 nay, the last oiEfice, if properly employed, may be in truth 
 the best natured, as well as the highest post of honour in the 
 kingdom. 
 
 That there is no paradox or repugnancy in that character^ 
 given of the excellent Earl of Dorset: that he was the best 
 good man with the worst natured muse. For satire on vice or 
 vicious men, though never so pointed, is no more a sign of 
 ill-nature than it would be to crush a serpent, or destroy a 
 wild beast. If the mind be only tainted with one particular 
 vice, this is but a potion given to our disease; and though 
 it may be attended with some pain in the operation, the 
 satirist is to be regarded as our physician, not our enemy; 
 but if the mind be totally corrupted, if it subsists a nuisance 
 and infection only to others, such a man, I am sure, hath little 
 reason to complain that the satirist attacks him instead of 
 the executioner, and while he lives the pest and curse of his 
 country, may very easily and quietly sit down contented with 
 being laughed at. 
 
 Lastly, that as good-nature is a delight in the happiness 
 of mankind, every good-natured man will do his utmost to 
 contribute to the happiness of each individual; and conse- 
 quently that every man who is not a villain, if he loves not 
 the good-natured man, is guilty of ingratitude. 
 
 This is that amiable quality, which, like the sun, gilds 
 over all our other virtues ; this it is, which enables us to pass 
 through all the offices and stations of life with real merit. 
 This only makes the dutiful son, the affectionate brother, the 
 tender husband, the indulgent father, the kind master, the 
 faithful friend, and the firm patriot. This. makes us gentle 
 without fear, humble without hopes, and charitable without 
 ostentation, and extends the power, knowledge, strength, and 
 riches of individuals to the good of the whole. It is (as 
 Shakespeare calls it) the milk, or rather the cream of human 
 nature, and whoever is possessed of this perfection should be 
 pitied, not hated for the want of any other. Whereas all 
 other virtues without some tincture of this, may be well
 
 260 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 called splendida peccata; for the richer, stronger, more power- 
 ful, or more knowing an ill-natured man is, the greater mis- 
 chiefs he will perpetrate; it is ill-nature, with these qualities, 
 which hath fettered and harassed mankind; hath erected the 
 tyrant's throne, hath let loose the conqueror's two-edged 
 sword, and the priest's two-edged tongue ; hath imposed severe 
 laws, invented cruel punishments, hath sent abroad fire and 
 sword and faggot, to ravage, burn, depopulate and enslave 
 nations. Lastly, hath injuriously bowed the conquered father 
 down to, and bred up the slavish son in an estimation and 
 honour of those men and those actions, which are the just 
 objects of contempt, abhorrence, and detestation. 
 
 I know not so great, so glorious, so lovely an idea of the 
 benevolent Creator of the universe, as that which is affixed to 
 Him by the noble author whom we have so often quoted, and 
 shall quote. He is (says he) the best-natured being in the 
 universe ; the more therefore we cultivate the sweet disposition 
 in our minds, the nearer we draw to divine perfection; to 
 which we should be the more strongly incited, as it is that 
 which we may approach the nearest to. All his other at- 
 tributes throw us immediately out of sight, but this virtue lies 
 in will, and not at all in power. 
 
 Nor can the selfish man want incentives to this virtue ; for 
 as it is more easily and safely satisfied than ambition, re- 
 venge, or any of those pernicious passions, so are its joys more 
 exquisite, and less interrupted. Ambition is seldom satisfied 
 without fear, or revenge without remorse; but the good-na- 
 tured man can never carry his enjoyments too far, this being 
 the only affection of the human mind which can never be 
 sated. 
 
 Saturday, March 29, 1740. 
 
 "7)Tt/urfi^ aptjryJpaJ' — Homer. 
 
 There is nothing so unjustifiable as the general abuse of 
 any nation or body of men: for which reason, I have always
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 261 
 
 disliked those sarcasms we are too apt to cast on a particular 
 part of His Majesty's dominions, whose natives have been 
 commonly censured by the English mob for blundering and 
 assurance, though it is notorious that several of our greatest 
 wits and best-bred men have come to us from that quarter. 
 
 In like manner, I have already condemned the custom of 
 throwing scandal on a whole profession for the vices of some 
 particular members. Can any thing be more unreasonable 
 than to cast an odium on the professions of divinity, law, and 
 physic, because there have been absurd or wicked divines, 
 lawyers, and physicians? 
 
 But there is an error directly opposite to this, which may 
 likewise deserve correction. I mean that protection which 
 some persons would draw from their professions, who, when 
 they are justly censured for their actions, retreat (if I may 
 so say) behind the walls of their order, and endeavour to 
 represent our attacks on the individual to be levelled at the 
 whole body. Whereas, the profession should give no more 
 security to the man than the man should bring a disgrace 
 on his profession. 
 
 The awe which the wiser and better part of mankind have 
 of the supreme Being, and consequently of every thing wliich 
 seems more immediately to belong to His service, hath en- 
 couraged some clergymen to apply to the dignity or divinity 
 of their ofiice, as a security against all accusation : it is well 
 known, that a few years since, if you had given a hint that 
 any particular person in holy orders had misbehaved himself, 
 a cry would have been immediately raised that the Church 
 was in danger, and you would have been arraigned for spread- 
 ing such invectives, with a malicious design of bringing the 
 whole body of the clergy into contempt. 
 
 Now it seems to me a most apparent truth that the greater 
 honour which we entertain for our Creator, the greater abomi- 
 nation we shall have for those who pervert His holy institu- 
 tions, and have the impudence to wear the livery of His more 
 immediate service, whilst they act against it. In what manner 
 would a good subject of Great Britain behave to one of his 
 profligate countrymen abroad, who should betray the interest
 
 262 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 of his king, and at the same time presume to call himself 
 his ambassador? 
 
 I have heard of a pamphlet, called Eeasons of the Contempt 
 of the Clergy. If by the clergy, the author means the order, 
 I hope there is no such contempt; nay, I will venture to 
 say, there is not among sensible and sober men, the only 
 persons whose ill opinion is to be valued, or by any argu- 
 ment to be removed. This contempt, therefore, must be 
 meant of particular clergymen, and even this I should be un- 
 willing to allow Justifiable, or to assign any reason for it. 
 Human frailty is indeed such, that it is very difficult, if not 
 impossible, to preserve any body (especially so large a one) 
 from some rotten members, but the utmost care is here taken 
 on that regard. Numberless public schools are instituted 
 for the instruction of our youth, the masters of which are 
 preferred with proper respect to their morals as well as learn- 
 ing. Hence the scholars are removed to one or other of two 
 excellent universities, alike remarked for their erudition, 
 sobriety, and good order. After which the strictest and most 
 impartial examination must be undergone before the candi- 
 date will be admitted into holy orders, in which the young 
 divine can afterwards expect no promotion, but from liis 
 merit, no ecclesiastical preferments being by any means what- 
 ever to be purchased; and as for the mitre, it is always in- 
 scribed (or at least of late hath been so) with these words, 
 Detur Magis Pio. 
 
 If, notwithstanding all this care, a few unworthy members 
 creep in, it is certainly doing a serviceable office to the body 
 to detect and expose them; nay, it is what the sound and 
 uncorrupt part should not only be pleased with, but them- 
 selves endeavour to execute, especially if they are suspicious 
 of, or offended at contempt or ridicule, which can never fall 
 with any weight on the order itself, or on any clergyman, who 
 is not really a scandal to it. 
 
 Though I am, as I have before said, very far from acknowl- 
 edging that sensible or sober minds are tainted with any such 
 general contempt, as hath been intimated, yet as perhaps some 
 idle and unthinking young men may express too little respect
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 363 
 
 (to use a common phrase) for the cloth, I shall here attempt 
 to set a clergyman in a just and true light, which will, I be- 
 lieve, be sufficient to guard him from any danger of a treat- 
 ment which such a person can never suffer, but through the 
 ignorance of those who are guilty of it. Such ignorance 1 
 shall therefore attempt to remove, since I do not recollect 
 any modern writings tending this way, and it may require 
 some reflection and parts to collect a true idea of so amiable 
 a character from nice observations on the general behaviour 
 of the clergy. 
 
 I shall therefore consider the clergy in a twofold light, first, 
 as they appear to us in the Gospel; and, secondly, as they 
 are regarded in the law. 
 
 As to the first, we are to look on them as the successors 
 of those disciples, whom Christ, as we are told in Mark iii. 
 14, ordained, " That they should be with him, and that he 
 might send them forth to preach;" or, as the Greek properly 
 signifies, " to proclaim their master ; " which they, and their 
 successors, were " to perform in all the world, for a witness to 
 all nations, till the end come," Matt. xxiv. 14, and Mark 
 xiii. 10. In which sense, Simon was figuratively told he 
 should be made a fisher of men. And in the 9th of Luke, 
 the disciples are sent abroad to " proclaim the kingdom of 
 God." And we read in the 10th chapter of the same Gospel, 
 " That the Lord appointed other seventy also, and sent them 
 two and two before his face into every city, saying to them, 
 Go your ways, behold I send you forth as lambs among 
 wolves." 
 
 The office, therefore, of the disciples, and their successors, 
 was to proclaim, or according to the most usual and truest 
 sense of the word, (as Krjpvo-aeiv dyoprjvSe or 7roXeju,ovSe) to call 
 or summon men into the kingdom of God, and by spread- 
 ing the excellence of His doctrine to induce men to become 
 followers of Christ, and by that means partakers of His sal- 
 vation. 
 
 As the souls of men are therefore of infinitely more conse- 
 quence and dignity than their bodies, as eternal and perfect 
 is infinitely more valuable than imperfect and finite happi-
 
 264 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 ness; this office which concerns the eternal happiness of the 
 souls of men, must be of greatly superior dignity, and honour 
 to any of those whose business is at most the regulation or 
 well-being of the body only. 
 
 But here I would not be understood to mean what we vul- 
 garly call honour and dignity in a worldly sense, such as pomp 
 or pride, or flattery, or any of this kind, to which indeed noth- 
 ing can be so opposite, as will appear from examining into 
 the qualities which are laid down as absolutely necessary to 
 form this character, and indeed must be understood so, as 
 they are no other than the copies of their great Master's. 
 And in which, whoever is deficient, can never be esteemed a 
 true disciple or minister of Christ. 
 
 The first I shall name is humility; a virtue of which He 
 himself was so perfect a pattern, and which He so earnestly 
 recommended to His disciples, that He rebulvcd them when 
 they contended who should be reckoned the greatest; and in 
 another place, exhorted them " to bcM^are of the scribes which 
 desire to walk in long robes, and love greetings in the markets, 
 and the highest seats in the synagogues, and the chief rooms 
 at feasts, which devour widows' houses, and for show m.ake 
 long prayers," &c. Luke xx. 46, 47. And St. Paul is fre- 
 quent in the same advice, forbidding any to think high of 
 himself, for which he gives them this reason, that very few 
 wise, or mighty, or noble, in a worldly sense, were called to 
 the ministry, but such as were reputed to be the filth of the 
 world and the offscouring of all things. Our blessed Saviour 
 Himself, instead of introducing Himself into the world in 
 the houses or families of what we call the great, chose to be 
 born of the wife of a carpenter, His disciples were poor fisher- 
 men, and Paul himself no more than a tent-maker ; He every- 
 where practised and taught contempt of worldly grandeur 
 and honours, often inculcating in His excellent discourses 
 that His kingdom was not of this world, nor His rewards to 
 be bestowed in it, intending to lay the foundation of a truly 
 noble, refined, and divine philosophy, and not of anv pomp or 
 palaces, any of the show, splendour, or luxury of the heathen- 
 ish religions, for His disciples, or their successors to enjoy.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 265 
 
 As we have not room for half the virtues of a clergyman 
 in this paper, vi^e shall defer the further prosecution of this 
 subject till next Saturday; on which day, weekly, we shall 
 endeavour to communicate something good to our readers, 
 for the instruction of such as frequent coffee-houses on a 
 Sunday. 
 
 Tuesday, April 1, 1740. 
 " Poscunt ursum." — HoEACE. 
 
 Sir, — Among the many accounts you have given us of this 
 island and its inhabitants, among the curious and surprising 
 observations wherewith you so often entertain us, in a manner 
 infinitely superior to any of your cotemporaries, in whose 
 writings there is seldom a word of common sense (save only 
 in the paper which bears that name and the Craftsman), I 
 must blame you for taking so little notice of our diversions 
 and amusements ; though these may perhaps be called the best 
 characteristics of a people. They are, indeed, the truest 
 mirrors of former ages, and reflect their characters with the 
 greatest, exactness to future times; from a stricter attention 
 to these we form opinions of the politer periods of the Roman 
 empire, of the delicacy of Athens, the virtue of Lacedemon, 
 and of that bewitching luxury that overspread and enervated 
 the whole Eastern world. You will perhaps give this very 
 reason for declining it, and will tell us that you are unwilling 
 to transmit such a character of us to posterity, as must be 
 gathered from a true representation of the present state of 
 our public diversions. That our theatres which have era- 
 ployed the pens of your predecessors, are sunk beneath your 
 notice. The actors (except two or three) very bad, the man- 
 agers worse, critics worse still, and the entertainments ex- 
 hibited and most followed very little better than raree-shows, 
 and which a sensible lad of eighteen would be ashamed to fre- 
 quent. And that you have for this reason entirely relin-
 
 266 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 quished the theatres to the most inimitable Laureat, in order 
 that he may be furnished with materials against he shall be 
 disposed to oblige the world Avith a second volume of the 
 history of his own times, or his life ; it being generally thought 
 that, however that illustrious person may wind up as a man, 
 he will certainly end as an author with a very bad life. But 
 though this should be the case with the dramatic world, yet, 
 methinks, those gj^mnastic encounters, those ruder exercises 
 which so particularly distinguish the martial genius of this 
 kingdom, the care of which formerly belonged to you, should 
 still engage your attention, and come under your notice; for, 
 though you have changed your lodging, I presume you still 
 frequent the arena at Tottenham, and your once celebrated 
 retirement at Hockley in the Hole, where I do not doubt but 
 proper deference is yet paid to you by the combatants : without 
 any farther preface, I must beg the favour of you, sir, to 
 recommend me to the public, which a man of your humanity 
 will not refuse to one, who, though born and bred to better 
 expectations, as I hope 3^ou conceive from the former part 
 of my letter, am at length reduced to get my livelihood by 
 a show. 
 
 In short, sir, I have at present by me two very fine 
 he-bears, both brothers of the same litter, which I shall shortly 
 have baited at your Theatre Eoyal, otherwise called His 
 Majesty's bear-garden in Hockley in the Hole. They have 
 been already baited very often in another place, and have 
 never failed to give great sport to the spectators. One of 
 them is the greatest beast of his kind, and the other bear 
 enough of all conscience, though not licked by his dam so 
 much as he should have been; besides which he is a little 
 too blunt, and so short about the muzzle, that he cannot 
 pinch, or show so good pastime as if he had better use of 
 his mouth. I have one particular, which I think an improve- 
 ment of this sport, viz. several curs who have been bred up 
 with the bears, while they are baiting (for they are generally 
 played off both at once) stand in a row behind them, and 
 bark at the mastiffs. One of these, who is a very little cur, 
 and admired by the spectators for a stripe of red down his
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 267 
 
 back, is so very fond of the great bear, that whenever the 
 mastiffs are at him, he flies into agonies, and barks so long 
 and so violently, that strangers apprehend he will fall on the 
 mastiffs; but we, who know the cur, know he means nothing 
 but to ingratiate himself with the bear, who, to give him his 
 due, is grateful enough, and as ready to defend the curs in 
 his turn. 
 
 Besides the expectation of an advanced price, I have another 
 reason for removing to the bear-garden, which your prede- 
 cessors and yourself have brought under such good order and 
 regulation; for though the majority have hitherto been on 
 the side of the bears, yet I have lately seen some reason to ap- 
 prehend a conspiracy against them, especially my great bear; 
 for when he is pinned down, as he often is, particularly l)y 
 one large mastiff, I do not perceive that readiness to relieve 
 him which hath been formerly shown ; and not long ago, when 
 he had (poor creature) great need of assistance, I heard one 
 of the company, who hath sometimes rescued him, cry, " Damn 
 him, let him be torn to pieces; we have had enough of 
 him." 
 
 This is a behaviour, which I am sure all such true lovers 
 of sport and encouragers of fair play as yourself must detest, 
 and which no poor creatures ever merited less : for not to 
 observe that the brothers have been more and better baited 
 than any bears who ever yet were brought to stake, it must 
 be acknowledged that the great bear hath discovered an 
 expertness at defending himself scarce ever equalled, rearing 
 himself often bolt upright on his hind legs, and turning him- 
 self with great agility to the right, — the left, — here,— there, 
 to every corner from whence his friends show him the attack 
 is coming. As for my other bear, I cannot much brag of 
 his abilities, but he is very tame, and will suffer himself to 
 be stroked; besides which, he often diverts company, when 
 he is not at stake, with his tricks, and may be indeed not im- 
 properly called a dancing bear. 
 
 Methinks, gentlemen too should be unwilling, to spoil their 
 own diversion by carrying the affair too far: for, notwith- 
 standing that my great bear is old, and somewhat the worse
 
 268 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 for baiting, I do not doubt, but with fair play, he will live 
 to show sport at least one season more, and I would recom- 
 mend to their consideration, that there perhaps hath never 
 been, nor perhaps ever will be such another bear as this in 
 the universe. I wish these sparks, who may perhaps think 
 they should gain honour by helping to pull him down, would 
 ■"ead those excellent lines of Hudibras — 
 
 " Let none presume to come so near. 
 As forty foot of stake of bear; 
 If any yet be so foolhardy 
 T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy; 
 If they come wounded off and lame, 
 No honour's got by such a maim. 
 Although the bear gain much, b'ing bound 
 In honour to make good his ground. 
 When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, 
 If any press upon him, who 'tis; 
 But lets them know at their own cost. 
 That he intends to keep his post." 
 
 But there will be no danger of such behaviour in an orderly 
 bear-garden, where I hope you will acquaint the public, that 
 I intend shortly to expose them to the populace. 
 
 I wish that part of your family (for I suppose it can't be 
 yourself, good captain) which is so well acquainted with 
 antiquity, would give us a history of bears, in whose favour, 
 I doubt not, but as much may be said as you have lately told 
 us of horses, which, I think, have never been preferred to 
 stars, an honour well known to have been conferred on bears, 
 of which kind there are no less than two now in the sky, noi 
 do I see any reason why my two bears should not have their 
 places : for since the only merit for which I can find Calistho 
 was exalted into the Ursa Major was a great belly, I appre- 
 hend my great bear hath as much of that merit as any. As 
 for the Ursa Minor I do not pretend to say much of him, 
 unless that they should go together, as Calistho and her son 
 are prettily sent up in Ovid, where Jupiter is introduced 
 withholding the hand of Areas, who was attempting to kill
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 269 
 
 the bear his mother without knowing her. The lines in which 
 they ascend are 
 
 " Arcuit omnipotens, pariterque ipsosque nefasque 
 Sustulit, et celeri raptos per inania vento, 
 Imposuit ccclo, vicinaque sidera fecit." 
 
 But this must be hereafter, for they cannot yet be spared. 
 And I hope old Bruin himself will stand many a good baiting 
 in the aforesaid Theatre Royal, before he is exalted higher. 
 To drop the fable, lest you should imagine I have been in 
 jest throughout, I take this method to inform your readers 
 that those who will see my bears this season must lose no 
 time, for I shall shortly send them into the country, that they 
 may refresh themselves against the next season. 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 Vandbr Beuin. 
 
 Saturday^ April 5, 1740. 
 
 Movet tantcB pietatis imago." — Viegil. 
 
 The Apology for the Clergy^ — continued. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The next virtue which I shall mention is charity, a virtue 
 not confined to munificence or giving alms, but that brotherly 
 love and friendly disposition of mind which is everywhere 
 taught in Scripture. Thus the word ayd-n-r], which some 
 versions render charity, is better rendered by others love, in 
 which sense it is described by the Apostles in the 13th chapter 
 of his first epistle to the Corinthians. " Charity suffereth 
 long, and is kind ; charity envieth not ; charity vaunteth not 
 itself, is not puffed up. Doth not behave itself unseemly, 
 seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no
 
 270 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 evil. Eejoiceth not in iniquity; but rejoiceth in the truth. 
 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, 
 endureth all things." 
 
 First, then, a minister of the Gospel must forgive his 
 enemies ; " charity suffereth long, is not easily provoked, bear- 
 eth all things, endureth all things." Thus Christ Himself 
 saith, " If you do not forgive, neither will your Father in 
 Heaven forgive your trespasses." Indeed this is the charac- 
 teristic of a Christian minister, and must distinguish him 
 from the best of the heathens, who taught no such doctrine. 
 
 Secondly, "charity is kind;" or, as the Greek signifies, 
 does good offices, behaves kindly; not confined to our wishes 
 merely, but our actions, under which head I shall introduce 
 liberality, a necessary qualification of any who would call 
 himself a successor of Christ's disciples. By this virtue, 
 which is generally called charity itself (and perhaps it is the 
 chief part of it), is not meant the ostentatious giving a penny 
 to a beggar in the street (an ostentation of which I do not 
 accuse the clergy, having to my knowledge never seen one 
 guilty of it), as if charity was change for sixpence, but the 
 relieving the wants and sufferings of one another to the ut- 
 most of our abilities. It is to be limited by our power, I 
 say, only. And this Christ Himself, in the 25th chapter of 
 Matthew, finely illustrates by a parable: for it is not ex- 
 pected that he who hath received two talents only should 
 render as much as he who hath received five; but, on the 
 other hand, the man to whom no more than one is entrusted 
 ought not to hide that one in the earth, for it is his Lord's 
 money. I shall dwell no longer on this head, than to ob- 
 serve that this essential duty is not to be discharged at so 
 easy a rate as some think, by a Christian, much less a Chris- 
 tian minister, and that it would be a shocking and dreadfal 
 consideration, if many hungry, should find no meat; many 
 thirsty, no drink, many strangers, none to take them in, 
 naked, none to clothe them, sick, and in prison, none to visit 
 them, in a country where Christ hath upwards of ten thou- 
 sand disciples, on whom He hath bestowed so many talents. 
 
 Thirdly, "charity envieth not." This is a negative, and
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 271 
 
 consequently excludes all who are tainted with it; but as 
 this cursed disposition was in as great abhorrence among the 
 heathens as among the Christians, I shall say no more of it 
 than that it is a quality which cannot belong to a true dis- 
 ciple of Christ. 
 
 Fourthly, " it vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth 
 not behave itself unseemly." By which we may be assured 
 that all pride is inconsistent with this quality; but as I have 
 treated of this already, under the head of its opposite virtue 
 humility, which I placed first, as it is indeed the very intro- 
 duction to Christianity, sufficiently signified, as I have there 
 shown, by the birth of Christ, and by the election He made 
 of His disciples, it is needless to repeat it again here. 
 
 Fifthly, " it seeketh not her own." By these words the 
 Apostle plainly points out the forgiveness of debts, as before 
 he hath done of injuries (for this is the plain meaning of 
 the Greek, whatever forced construction may be put upon it). 
 Thus in the tenth chapter of the same epistle, " Let no man 
 seek his own wealth." I would not be righteous over-much, 
 or extend this text too far; as it might perhaps unhinge 
 society: but I cannot dismiss this branch without paying a 
 compliment to the clergy, who are of all men the most back- 
 ward to insist on a rigid payment with their creditors; and 
 in regard to their tithes, which (whether of common right 
 or no, a matter we may perhaps handle hereafter) are cer- 
 tainly by the present laws of England their own, are known 
 to consider not only the straitness of men's circumstances, 
 but likewise of their consciences as in the case of the Quak- 
 ers; for the truth of which, I appeal to common experience. 
 
 Sixthly, " charity thinketh no evil." It is void of suspi- 
 cion, not apt to censure the actions of men, much less to 
 represent them in an evil light to others. Hence we may 
 judge how inconsistent that odious malignity, which is the 
 parent of slander, is with the character of a true Christian 
 disciple; a cursed temper of mind fitter for the devil and his 
 angels, than for a professor of that love which was taught 
 by Christ, and which Solomon had long before told us cov- 
 ered all sins.
 
 272 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Seventhly, " rejoiceth not in iniquity." By this the Apos- 
 tle doth not, I apprehend, point at that joy which sin may 
 be supposed to give to an evil mind, in the same manner as 
 virtue delights a good one : but rather to caution us against 
 that feigned delight in sin, which we sometimes put on from 
 a subserviency to great ones. By not rejoicing in iniquity 
 is meant, not taking the Avages of sinful men, nor partaking 
 of their dainties at the expense of flattering them in their 
 iniquity. This is a virtue, which as it becomes every Chris- 
 tian, so more particularly a minister of the Gospel, whose 
 business it is to rebuke and reprove such men, not to fall 
 in with, or flatter their vices, but. 
 
 Eighthly, " to rejoice with the truth." To rejoice in the 
 company of good and virtuous men, without the recommend- 
 ation of titles and wealth, or the assistance of dainties and 
 fine wines. To give God thanks who hath revealed the truth 
 to us, and to rejoice in all those who walk in it. 
 
 Ninthly, '' charity believeth all things, hopeth all things." 
 It is inclined to maintain good and kind thoughts of men. 
 It is a stranger to all sourness and bitterness of mind, that 
 moroseness of temper which seduces us to think evil of others ; 
 whereas, charity always turns the perspective, with a friendly 
 care to magnify all good actions, and lessen evil. It weighs 
 all mankind in the scales of friendship, and sees them with 
 the eyes of love. 
 
 Charity is all this, and he who falls short of any of these, 
 falls short of charity, without which, the Apostle tells us, 
 " That the gift of prophecy, the understanding mysteries, all 
 knowledge, all faith," nay, even martyrdom itself are noth- 
 ing, profit nothing, nor will they make a man a Christian, 
 much less a successor of Christ's disciples. 
 
 As this virtue of charity, which I have opened in so diffu- 
 sive a manner, comprehends almost the whole particular duty 
 of a Cliristian, I shall not dwell on those virtues which we 
 have been taught by morality, such as patience, fortitude, 
 temperance, chastity, &c., which, though all mankind are 
 bound to the observance of, yet a minister of the Gospel is 
 obliged to it in a more strict and exemplary manner.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 273 
 
 The last qualification which I shall mention, and which is 
 peculiar to the clergy, is poverty. Thus, when Jesus repre- 
 sented the mischiefs attending riches to his disciples, Peter, 
 in the name of them all, answered him, " Lo, we have left 
 all, and have followed Thee." And the terms on which the 
 young man, whom St. Luke calls a ruler, and who had been 
 a strict observer of the law, was to be admitted a follower 
 of Jesus and inheritor of the kingdom of Heaven, were, that 
 he should first sell all he had, and give it to the poor. I 
 shall not quote more texts on this occasion, as they are al- 
 most numberless, and as this doctrine, I know, is not by 
 some good men received in a strict, literal, practical sense: 
 but, without being righteous over-much, we may, I think, 
 conclude, that if the clergy are not to abandon all they have 
 to their ministry, neither are they to get immense estates 
 by it ; and I would reconmiend it to the consideration of those 
 who do, whether they do not make a trade of divinity? 
 Whether they are not those buyers and sellers who should 
 be drove out of the temple? Or lastly, whether they do not 
 in the language of Peter to Simon, sell the gift of God for 
 money ? 
 
 Saturday, April 12, 1740. 
 
 " Illud in his rebus vereor, ne fortd rearis 
 Impia me rationis inire elementa, viamque, 
 Endogredi sceleris. Quod contrd,.'" — Lucretius. 
 
 The Apology for the Clergy, — continued. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Having already considered the clergy in that amiable 
 character, which our blessed Saviour hath fixed on them in 
 His Gospel. I come now to take a view of them in that light 
 wherein they are regarded by the law, which hath, I appre- 
 hend, placed them infinitely beyond the reach of contempt. 
 
 Misc. Vv'ritings II — 18
 
 274 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 They are esteemed in the law a body of men set apart for 
 the immediate service of the Divine Being, not for their own 
 sakes alone, but the universal good of the whole. Their duty 
 is to offer up prayers and praises in the name, and for the 
 use of us all, and to point out and lead men into the ways 
 of virtue and holiness by the frequent admonition of their 
 precepts, and the constant guide of their examples. 
 
 The care or cure of souls is therefore said to be committed 
 to them, a trust, which, as it is of the most important con- 
 cern, so the law, in which it is a maxim quod sunima ratio 
 est qucB pro religione facit, to remove all difficulties and dis- 
 couragements from the due execution of this office, and to 
 render its institution most perfect, and its influence most 
 beneficial, hath wisely dignified it with the highest honours, 
 indulged it with the freest immunities, rewarded it with the 
 most plentiful revenues, and secured it by the most whole- 
 some restraints. 
 
 To treat these four heads in their order, I begin with 
 their honours, of which I shall say very little, as they are 
 generally known; and as the name of clergyman itself, if it 
 include an idea of all those virtues which I mentioned in my 
 last paper, is a title of the highest honour; and, thirdly, as 
 these temporal dignities do not bear an immediate analogy 
 to the character given of the disciples in the Gospel. 
 
 First, then, there is one general title of reverend prefixed 
 to the name of the whole clergy, by which they are distin- 
 guished in an honorary manner from the laity : for though I 
 apprehend this is not of any great antiquity, and was for- 
 merly applied only to bishops, as may be seen in old writs, 
 rex venerabili, &c., yet, in latter commissions and acts of 
 Parliament, when the clergy are named, it is always by the 
 title of reverend, a word of greater respect than that which 
 we apply to the nobility. Besides this, there are a great 
 variety of spiritual titles and honours gradually ascending 
 till we come to the bishops, who are lords of Parliament, and 
 hold of the king by barony/ in respect of which they take 
 place of all those barons in the realm,^ who have no superior 
 ^Inst. 97. *4 Inst. 364. 31 H 8 cap. 10.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 375 
 
 dignity; the Archbishop of York takes place of all the dukes 
 after the chancellor, and the Archbishop of Canterbury im- 
 mediately next to the royal family; nay, in ancient times, 
 my Lord Coke tells us at the end of the fourth institute, 
 that the bishops took place of the king's brother; and this 
 continued so late as the reign of Henry YI. when it was 
 altered by an ordinance of Parliament. Thus the highest 
 degree of temporal honour is ascribed to the clergy. 
 
 Secondly, the law indulges them in the greatest immuni- 
 ties. Indeed some of these have been very wisely abridged: 
 for there is an old writ,^ for its absurdity almost worth tran- 
 scribing, by which a clergyman convicted of felony was at 
 his own request to be delivered over to the ordinary, before 
 whom he was to purge himself. " This privilege," says my 
 Lord Coke, " took its root ^ from a constitution of Pope 
 Gaius, that no man should accuse the priests of Holy Church 
 before a secular judge." It extended to murder, and all 
 crimes except high treason against the king's person: but 
 as this was by ordinance de gratia, and not de jure,^ the 
 clergy never thought themselves sure of it, until it was con- 
 firmed by authority of Parliament, which it was with some 
 little restriction by the statute of Westminster 1 cap. 2, and 
 afterwards by the Articuli Cleri, chap. 15. This purgation 
 was made so ill an use of, and found so contrary both to 
 reason and justice, that (after the benefit of clergy had been 
 taken away in murder, rapes, house-breaking, and other 
 offences by several statutes in the reigns of Henry VIII. and 
 Edward VI.), at last, in the eighteenth year of Queen Eliza- 
 beth, this purgation was utterly abolished. A cursed privi- 
 lege ! for, though the accused person could not clear himself, 
 the ordinary could only degrade him, which was all the 
 punishment that he was to suffer for the most execrable 
 crimes, an instance of which I shall here set down. 
 
 " In the reign of Edward I. Guinandus de Briland, parson 
 of Snodiland, in the county of Kent (in which town Solomon 
 de Rolfe, one of the king's justices in Eyre, and one that 
 punished the extortions and other crimes of the clergy, 
 
 ^ Reg. 69. » 2 Inst. 636. » 2 Inst. 634.
 
 276 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 dwelt), came to dine with Solomon de Eolfe, and brought 
 poison with him of his malice propensed to murder by poison 
 the said Solomon." ^ Which the villainous intention he perpe- 
 trated in this base, inhuman, and treacherous manner; and 
 was convicted of it, and being demanded by the Bishop of 
 Eochester, was delivered to him to be purged, and thus es- 
 caped that sentence and punishment which were so notori- 
 ously his due; nor can I omit a complaint which the same 
 author tells us, was made by the clergy in Parliament in 
 the twenty-fifth of Edward III. viz., that one of the clergy 
 was hanged for high treason, and another for murdering his 
 master. 
 
 But though their privileges be taken away, as they cer- 
 tainly ought, in criminal cases (and yet not so entirely but 
 that they are still discharged from being burnt in the hand ^ 
 and may have their clergy twice for felony), the law still 
 persists in allowing numberless immunities (indeed all that 
 can be reasonably required) to the Church, which it regards 
 with the affectionate and tender care of a parent or guar- 
 dian. Thus, the Church is said to be infra cetateni et fungi 
 vice minoris, in consequence of which follows another maxim ; 
 namely, meliorem reddere flatum ecdesice potest persona, 
 deteriorem nequaquam, in which the state of the Church and 
 infancy are put on the same foot; and in the ninth chapter 
 of Articuli Cleri, the Church is said to be endowed with 
 lands, on which words my Lord Coke tells us,^ that the 
 possessions of the Church are the endowments of it, and the 
 beneficed clergy accounted tenants in dower. A tenure above 
 all favoured in the eye of the law, and indulged with many 
 privileges. 
 
 At common law spiritual persons alone were admitted to 
 a tenure, to which even fealty was not incident ; namely, that 
 of frraikalmoign, the reason of which is given by Littleton, 
 viz., that those divine services performed by them were 
 better for the Lord than any other.* If an ecclesiastical 
 person had held in escuage (of old time) he should not be 
 obliged to go in person with the king.^ And my Lord Coke 
 
 "■ 2 Inst. 634. == Hob. 288. " 2 Inst. 627. * Sect, 135. " 1 Inst. 70 a.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 277 
 
 tells us, that the common law, to the intent ecclesiastical 
 persons may the better execute their duties, and not he en- 
 tangled with temporal business, hath discharged them from 
 all temporal offices. A bishop after consecration shall do no 
 homage,^ nor shall other religious persons on account of their 
 church-lands, for it appears in the feeoffments that such gift 
 is principally to God. An ecclesiastic holding by knight's 
 service shall pay no relief.- A parson of a church, or such 
 parson as hath no benefice, shall not be distrained to come 
 to the king's leet, nor that of any other lord. If any person, 
 who by his lands ought to be chosen bailiff, or beadle, &c., be 
 made a clerk, he shall not be chosen, and if he be, may dis- 
 charge himself by writ.^ And it is well knowTi that no par- 
 son shall be put on a jury. Thus the privileges which are 
 severally given to peers, infants and widows, unite in the 
 clergy. And for what reasons? Why, in honour of the ex- 
 cellence and usefulness of the office, and that they might have 
 no avocation from it; ut nemo militans Deo implicetur 
 secularihus negotiis^ Or according to St. Cyprian,-"' Ut 
 nulla re avocarentur nee cogitare aut agere seculalaria 
 cogerentur, sed die et node ccelestibus rehus et spiritualihus 
 serviant. That thev should have no avocation, nor be obliged 
 to trouble themselves in thought or deed with temporal 
 affairs, but apply themselves entirely to spiritual. Indeed, 
 some have formerly accepted temporal offices of great weight 
 and care, and of later times have condescended to be justices 
 of the peace; but this hath been matter of mere grace, and 
 to which they could not be compelled. 
 
 Thirdly, as to their revenues, they are immense, as must 
 appear when we consider the income of Church lands, cathe- 
 dral, collegiate, and other ecclesiastical preferments; be- 
 sides tithes of which, great tithes or the tithes of corn, if they 
 are but the tenth in quantity, are at least (deducting the 
 expenses of seed, fallowing, composting, ploughing, sowing, 
 preserving from vermin, reaping, &c.), one fifth in value. 
 
 »rieta I. 3. c. 16. S. 11, 12, 13. ' 1 Inst. 70 6. 
 
 »F. N. B. 160. C. 175 B. *1 Inst. 70 6. 
 
 " Selden's Hist, of Tithes, 33.
 
 278 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Indeed some of these have been since Henry VIII.'s time 
 in la}' hands. 
 
 Lastly, the restraints which the law hath laid on the 
 clergy show in what light it considers their ministry, " In- 
 cumbent is derived/' says my Lord Coke, "of incumlo, to 
 be diligently resident olnixe operam dare, and therefore the 
 law doth intend him to be resident on his benefice ; " ^ for 
 which reason, if an action of debt be brought against John 
 
 Eector of T in the county of B he cannot plead 
 
 that he dwelt at another place ^ for a parson shall be in- 
 tended by law to be resident upon his benefice, for the cure 
 of souls which he has there: for a parson who hath cure of 
 souls, and is non-resident, no7i est dupensator, sed dissipaior, 
 non speculator sed spiculator, and therefore no such thing 
 shall be presumed, these are the words of the book ; nay, the 
 law carries this presumption so far, that if he hath two bene- 
 fices, he shall be supposed resident on them both ; ^ and our 
 statute law * is so severe on this point, that a parson who is 
 non-resident one month at a time, or two months in all in a 
 year, shall forfeit ten shillings for every offence, and twenty 
 shillings for purchasing a dispensation to the contrary, and 
 the dispensation to be void. The intent of this statute is by 
 the judges said to be that he should pascere gregem cibo, 
 exempio et verlo, feed his flock wdth meat, precept, and ex- 
 ample.^ Indeed chaplains to great men, who are entitled by 
 statutes to hold pluralities, are excepted out of this penalty 
 while they are in duty, that the nobility may not want their 
 instructions and good examples. Nay, so careful is the law, 
 that the clergy should not be any ways hindered or disturbed 
 in their spiritual office, that they are forbid to take any 
 lands to farm or to buy and sell in markets, &c., under very- 
 severe penalties," that nothing might prevent them from 
 discharging their duties to the souls of men. 
 
 Having thus considered the clergy as briefly as possible in 
 a religious and legal sense, we shall in our next Saturday's 
 
 M Inst. 119. Ml Coke, 70 6. 
 
 ' Doct. Plac. fol. 2. * 21 H. 8. c. 13. f . 26, 27. 
 
 ■> Cro, Eliz. 591. • 21 H. 8. c. 13. f. 1, 2, &c.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 279 
 
 paper attempt to draw some wholesome inferences, with 
 which we shall conclude our apology. 
 
 Tuesday, April 15, 1740. 
 " In solo Vivendi causa palato est." — Juvenal. 
 
 No passion hath so much the ascendant in the composition 
 of human nature as vanity: indeed, I could almost venture 
 to affirm, that there is no ingredient so equally distributed 
 amongst us as this, not even fear, of which my Lord Koches- 
 ter asserts; all men would show it if they durst; so I appre- 
 hended all men would show their vanity if they durst, and 
 that we are not distinguished from one another by the de- 
 grees of these passions, but by the power of subduing, or 
 rather concealing them: for (good sense will always teach us, 
 that by betraying either fear or vanity, we expose both to 
 the attacks of our enemies.' 
 
 This observation, perhaps, gave rise to an opinion that 
 men were a sort of puppets, formed to entertain the gods by 
 their ridiculous gestures, or, as Mr. Pope terms it, " made 
 the standing jest of Heaven : " for, as vanity is the true 
 source of ridicule, it might possibly be imagined that so 
 large and almost equal a proportion could be distributed 
 among us for no other end. /I have often thought that such 
 wise men as conceal their vanit}^, make a large amends to 
 themselves by feeding this passion with contemplation on 
 the ridiculous appearance of it in others.) 
 
 Vanity, or the desire of excelling, to cast it in a ridiculous 
 light (for it may be seen in one very odious, being perhaps 
 at the bottom of most villainy, and the cause of most human 
 miseries) i^^may be considered as exerting itself two ways; 
 either as it pushes us on to attempt excelling in particulars, 
 to which we are utterly unequal, or to display excellence in 
 qualities which are in themselves very mean and trivial. As
 
 280 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 I have before touched on the former of these, I shall at 
 present only animadvert on the latter, or that species of 
 vanity, which exerts itself in mean, indifferent, and some- 
 times vicious habits. 
 
 Hence it is, that in the country many gentlemen become 
 excellent fox-hunters, or great adepts in horse-racing and 
 cock-lighting; and in the town an admirable taste is dis- 
 covered in dress and equipage; and that several persons of 
 distinction are remarked for putting on their clothes well, 
 whilst others are not a little vain in showing that, though 
 fortune hath destined them to ride in coaches, they are 
 nevertheless as fit to drive, or ride behind them. 
 
 Nay, there is an excellence (if I may so call it) in bad- 
 ness. A certain great genius hath laid dowa rules for the 
 art of sinking in writing, or in other words, of writing as 
 ill as possible, in wliicli perfection our greatest poet hath 
 thought fit to celebrate such as have chiefly excelled, in an 
 epic poem; nay, the numerous frequenters of Hurlothrumbo, 
 all acknowledge their pleasure arose from the exquisite bad- 
 ness of the performance, and many persons have exprest an 
 impatience to read the Apology for the Life of Mr. Colley 
 Gibber, Comedian; asserting, they are sure it must be the 
 saddest stuff that ever was writ. 
 
 But, as my readers will easily suggest to themselves num- 
 berless instances of this consummate imperfection, at least 
 every one will be able to furnish himself with the instance 
 of one whose greatness they can account for only from his 
 excellence in badness in every kind. I shall confine the rest 
 of my paper to one set of heroes, whom I choose to call the 
 Knights of the Trencher; an order which will confer as 
 much honour as any other that gives no idea of any superior 
 merit in the wearer; I mean those gentlemen who are proud 
 of the voraciousness of their appetite, of being able to swal- 
 low several pounds of flesh more at a meal than their fellow 
 creatures. 
 
 I have been often entertained by a worthy of this kind 
 with his exploits : I have known him as vain of the entire 
 demolition of a turkey, or a successful attack on a sirloin.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 281 
 
 as a general could have been of the storming a town, or 
 the overthrow of an army. 
 
 Every reader must have heard of several engagements in 
 this way. The battle of the eggs, which happened a few 
 years since in Somersetshire, is very famous to this day. 
 This was a drawn battle, the town wherein it was fought not 
 being able to furnish a sufficient quantity of ammunition 
 to try the prowess of either of the combatants. 
 
 A certain military gentleman, belonging to the trained- 
 bands, was formerly known in this city by the name of the 
 Scourge of Ordinaries. This brave officer had with great 
 conduct and courage entirely routed all the Ordinaries from 
 Charing Cross to the Exchange. He is imagined to have 
 died by the wound of a poisoned goose, which he received 
 while he was charging, with most voracious gallantry, at a 
 city feast, where he served as a volunteer. He was reckoned 
 to have been a better man, by at least a large shoulder of 
 mutton, than any in the kingdom; and is said to have en- 
 vied no hero in history so much as the Emperor Maximin, 
 who is said to have eaten forty pounds of flesh at a meal. 
 
 I have heard of another hero, who was so excellent at his 
 knife and fork, that he was frequently invited by several 
 curious people, who took great delight in seeing him eat. 
 This gentleman miglit have been said, in more senses than 
 one, to have lived by eating. 
 
 Success in this, as in most contentions, hath as often been 
 owing to conduct, as to courage or strength. I remember a 
 famous prize-eater, who had by many laxative doses reduced 
 his body to such a habit, that his belly was little more than 
 a vehicle to convey his meat downwards. By which means, 
 he had overcome all the celebrated eaters of his age, and 
 his house was every where adorned with trophies of the 
 conquests of his jaw. The weapon he chiefly delighted in 
 was a sirloin of roast beef, at which he never was outdone 
 but once; but this, he afterward told me, gave him little 
 pain, when he discovered that his antagonist was a Eoman 
 Catholic, and was just discharged from his Lent diet. " And 
 to show you," said he, " that he was a pretty good man, he
 
 282 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 had in that forty days' abstinence fasted away two moderate 
 fish-ponds." 
 
 One thing remarkable among these Knights of the Tren- 
 cher is, that the truest heroes among them, are commonly 
 the greatest boasters. They are continually entertaining 
 company with their performances; I have however known 
 some, who, to their great praise, have been pretty silent on 
 that head; nay, I have heard a gentleman bewailing his lost 
 appetite, and at the same time seen him devour as much as 
 would have served half a dozen m^oderate people. 
 
 It is recorded of Vitellius, that he had near ten thousand 
 dishes for supper, of each of which (says my friend), if he 
 had tasted a moderate quantity only, he must have had a 
 glorious stomach. Tacitus tells us of this Knight of the 
 Trencher, that he spent upwards of seven millions in a few 
 months, and Josephus adds. If he had reigned much longer, 
 he would have eat up the empire. Notwithstanding which 
 he very modestly set forth his temperance in an oration to 
 the people. 
 
 Besides those who place all merit in the largeness of their 
 stomach, there are others who may claim a just right of 
 being mentioned here, and who are as vain of the nicety 
 of their taste, men, whose whole business it is to consider 
 what they shall eat. One of this sort never regards whom he 
 is to dine with, but what he is to dine upon: he would at 
 any time quit the better company, for the better dinner, and 
 if he purchases any rarity at his own cost, he chooses to 
 dine alone, rather than to admit any partaker therein. I 
 have known a person so extravagantly devoted to the pleas- 
 ing his palate, that he would not have scrupled going a long 
 journey to have feasted on a favourite dish; and have seen 
 the journal of a man's life, which consisted of no other 
 articles than the several dishes which had composed his 
 dinners and suppers. 
 
 Several writers have been very severe on these heroes. 
 Dr. South particularly, who, in one of his sermons attempts 
 to strip them of their pretensions to humanity, and very 
 boldly declares. He can see no reason, why he should be
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 283 
 
 reckoned less a beast who carries his burthen in his belly, 
 than he who carries it at his back. 
 
 Saturday, April 19, 1740. 
 Procul, procul este, profani, 
 
 Exclamat vates, totoque; ahsistite luco" — Viegil. 
 The Apology por the Clergy, — concluded. 
 
 Having explained the particulars which compose the true 
 character of a Christian minister, I shall now draw them 
 closer together, that the reader may at one view compre- 
 hend this amiable picture. 
 
 A clergyman is a successor of Christ's disciples : a character 
 which not only includes an idea of all the moral virtues, 
 such as temperance, charity, patience, &c. but he must be 
 humble, charitable, benevolent, void of envy, void of pride, 
 void of vanity, void of rapaciousness, gentle, candid, trul}'' 
 sorry for the sins and misfortunes of men, and rejoicing in 
 their virtue and happiness. This good man is entrusted with 
 the care of our souls, over which he is to watch as a shepherd 
 for his sheep : to feed the rich with precept and example, 
 and the poor with meat also. To live in daily communica- 
 tion with his flock, and chiefly with those who want him 
 most (as the poor and distressed), nay, and after his blessed 
 Master's example, to eat with publicans and sinners; but 
 -with a view of reclaiming them by his admonitions, not of 
 fattening himself by their dainties. 
 
 Can such a man as this be the object of contempt? or 
 can any be more entitled to respect and honour? perhaps 
 indeed boys and beaus, and madmen, and rakes, and fools, 
 and villains, may laugh at this sacred person; may shake 
 those ridiculous heads at him which would have been flung 
 in the face of a Socrates or a Plato. But can such con- 
 tempt as this which would have been enjoyed by a heathen.
 
 284 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 be felt by a Christian philosopher, while all the good, the 
 sober, the virtuous and the sensible parts of mankind concur 
 in paying him honour and respect? 
 
 But perhaps this wall be denied to be the case, and I shall 
 be told that some of this latter kind have lately not only 
 spoke but writ against the clergy. I answer, if there are 
 any such, they are enemies to the men and not the order: 
 nay, the order cannot be wounded through a bad man's sides, 
 for he is really not of it. It is not a particular habit, nor 
 mounting once a week into a pulpit, nor taking the revenues 
 of the Church, can make a man a minister of Christ, but the 
 fulfilling His precepts and following His example. 
 
 As I have already therefore shown what a clergyman is, I 
 will now show what he is not; but to avoid prolixity, I 
 will throw the several particular features into one general 
 picture. 
 
 Let us suppose then, a man of loose morals, proud, malev- 
 olent, vain, rapacious, and revengeful; not grieving at, but 
 triumphing over the sins of men, and rejoicing, like the devil, 
 that they will be punished for them; deaf to the cries of 
 the poor; shunning the distressed; blind to merit; a magni- 
 fier and spreader of slander; not shunning the society of the 
 wicked for fear of contamination, but from hypocrisy and 
 vain glory; liating not vice but the vicious; resenting not 
 only an injury, but the least affront with inveteracy. Let 
 us suppose this man feasting himself luxuriously at the 
 tables of the great, where he is suffered at the expense of 
 flattering their vices, and often too, as meanly submitting 
 to see himself and his order, nay often religion itself, ridi- 
 culed, Avhilst, that he may join in the Burgundy, he joins 
 in the laugh, or rather is laughed at by the fools he flatters. 
 vSuppose him going hence (perhaps in his chariot), through 
 the streets, and contemptuously overlooking a man of merit 
 and learning in distress. Proh Deum atque hominum fidem! 
 Is this a Christian? — Perhaps it will be said I have drawn 
 a monster, and not a portrait taken from life. God forbid 
 it should; but it is not suTicient that the whole does not 
 resemble; for he who hath but an eye, a nose, a single fea-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 285 
 
 ture in this deformed figure, can challenge none of the 
 honours due to a minister of the Gospel. 
 
 But why shall a wicked clergyman be more an object of 
 contempt than any other wicked man, who is equally obliged 
 to the observance of all Christian duties? 
 
 Because a clergyman is immediately set apart for the 
 service of his Creator. And therefore, if he be unequal to 
 his office, cannot expect to avoid contempt in common with 
 all other inadequate and unfit members of a profession. 
 Cowardice is contemptible in all, but much more so in the 
 soldier, who professes an office to which it is immediately 
 necessary; and surely no one will insinuate that piety and 
 Christian virtue are less necessary to the discharge of the 
 Christian ministry. 
 
 But in fact, a bad clergyman is the worst of men: for it 
 may happen that men whose educations have only imbibed 
 the general principles of religion, may afterwards, in the 
 avocations of business or pleasure, so far lose sight of that 
 great guide, that they may be hurried into the commission 
 of many sins, which reflection would have prevented; and 
 thus may be true Christians in their theory, though they 
 may deviate a little in their practice; but this cannot be the 
 case with the clergy, who are instructed in all the secrets 
 of, and have searched religion to the bottom, which they are 
 afterwards, by the necessary duty of their calling, obliged 
 to meditate so constantly upon, that they may in a manner 
 be said to have Heaven and Hell continually before their 
 eyes. It is therefore impossible that these (if they are en- 
 dowed with a steady faith and a moderate understanding) 
 should advisedly, knowingly, and deliberately, forfeit the 
 former, and risk the latter. Is there a man on earth fool 
 enough to prefer an entertainment or a feast to sixty years 
 long, uninterrupted felicity? How weak is this comparison 
 to illustrate the immense distance between the trifling, short 
 enjoyments of this world and eternity; and can we believe 
 that any man would be mad enough, would be fool enough, 
 deliberately to prefer the former of these to the latter, un- 
 less he doubted, nay very greatly doubted, whether the ofl:er
 
 286 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 in reversion depended on as much certainty as that in 
 possession. 
 
 I argue therefore thus : 
 
 Eternal and infinite happiness is infinitely preferable to 
 that which is very confined in its degree, and very short in 
 duration. 
 
 By pursuing the delights of sin, the Gospel tells us, we not 
 only forfeit eternal happiness, but shall suffer eternal misery. 
 
 The clergy not only know this, but have these promises 
 and threats daily before their eyes. 
 
 AVhat then can the most candid man conclude of a clergy- 
 man, whom he beholds pursuing the very measures which 
 the Gospel shows him lead to the incurring eternal misery, 
 and avoiding that road which would conduct him to infinite 
 happiness, unless but that he is an idiot or an unbeliever? 
 
 And as a clergyman cannot be supposed a Christian with- 
 out being a good man; so if he be a Deist or an Atheist he 
 is infinitely worse than all others of that kind; for he must 
 be both a hypocrite and a cheat. 
 
 In what other light can such a wretch appear in the pulpit, 
 than that of a quack doctor on the stage, who trumpets over 
 the virtues of his pills only to pick the pockets of the multi- 
 tude, whilst he believes the direct contrary of what he says, 
 and begs to be excused from taking any of them himself? 
 
 Let such wretches therefore, if any such there be, assure 
 themselves that it is as impossible for any order or dignity 
 to wipe off contempt from their characters, as to strip jet 
 of the idea of blackness; but suppose they should happen to 
 be in the wrong, suppose (as they will most certainly find 
 them) the threats as well as promises of the Gospel should 
 be true, what an account are they then to make? How 
 trifling is the contempt of the world to what they then will 
 suffer ? 
 
 " Quhm vellent (Fthere in alto, 
 
 Nunc et pauperiem et duros perferre labores ! " 
 
 When they will be forced to render up an account of their 
 charge, and must suffer for the sins of all those whom their
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 287 
 
 examples have led astray. They will then be taught that 
 the duty of a shepherd is not fleecing only. And will find 
 themselves obliged to account not only for the lost souls, 
 but the lost tithes too, which they took of common right, 
 or, in other words, without doing any thing for them. 
 
 I have thus finished what I intended, and what I begun 
 with a good design ; for as nothing can hurt religion so much 
 as a contempt of the clergy, so nothing can justify, or in- 
 deed cause any such contempt but their own bad lives. If 
 there are anv therefore among them who want reformation 
 
 •J CD 
 
 in this particular, it would be a truly episcopal office to 
 attempt it. If I should awaken any such inquiry, I have 
 had large amends for my labour, and shall be very indiffer- 
 ent whether avowed Deists abuse me for having religion, or 
 hypocrites for having none. 
 
 Tuesday, April 22, 1740. 
 -" Melius non tangere clamo." — Horace. 
 
 It may, I believe, be affirmed that the generality of mankind 
 (I mean such as are at all acquainted with history) know 
 much more of former times than their own. Most of us 
 may be considered like the spectators of one of Mr. Eich's 
 entertainments; we see things only in the light in which 
 that truly ingenious and learned entertainmatic author is 
 pleased to exhibit them, without perceiving the several 
 strings, wires, clock-work, &c., which conduct the machine; 
 and thus we are diverted with the sights of serpents, dragons 
 and armies, whereas indeed those objects are not other than 
 pieces of stuffed cloth, painted wood, and hobby horses, as 
 such of his particular friends as are admitted behind the 
 scenes, without any danger of interrupting his movements, 
 very well know.
 
 288 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 In the same manner we are deceived in the grand 
 pantomimes played on the stage of life, where there is often 
 no less difference between the appearances and reality of 
 men and things, and where those who are utter strangers to 
 the springs of the political motion, judging by habits, posts 
 or titles, have actually mistaken men for heroes, patriots and 
 politicians, who have been in fact as mere machines as any 
 used by the aforesaid Mr. Eich : for when a man is absolutely 
 void of capacity, it matters not whether his skin be stuffed 
 with guts or straw, or whether his face be made of wood or 
 brass. 
 
 As history cannot furnish any instance of political panto- 
 mime equal with the following, I shall set it down at length 
 for the entertainment of my unlearned readers, as I have 
 concisely translated it from Suetonius in his life of Caligula. 
 
 This hero (says my author) having sent a few of his 
 guards over the Rhine, where they were to conceal themselves, 
 ordered an alarm to be brought to him after dinner, of 
 the enemy's approach in vast numbers. Upon which he 
 presently hastened with his chief officers, and a party of 
 the Pretorian horse into the next wood, whence he returned 
 with the sham trophies of a victory, upbraiding the 
 cowardice of those who stayed behind, and crowning the 
 companions and partakers of his victory with chaplets of a 
 new name and species. Another time, having privately sent 
 forth some of his hostages, he arose hastily from his supper 
 and brought them back in chains, boasting of his pantomime 
 adventure in the most extravagant manner, desiring those 
 who told him that all the troops were returned from the 
 expedition, to sit down in their armour, and ridiculously 
 repeating to them a celebrated verse of Virgil; in which 
 ^neas encourages his followers to persevere in encountering 
 all dangers and toils in hopes of their future happiness; 
 inveighing bitterly at the same time against the Senate, and 
 those Romans who were absent, and enjoyed the pleasures 
 of Rome, whilst Caesar exposed himself to such imminent 
 dangers. Lastly, he drew out his army on the sea-shore, 
 and disposed every thing as for a battle, no one knowing
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 289 
 
 or even guessing what he intended, when suddenly he 
 ordered all the soldiers to fill their helmets with cockles, 
 which he called the spoils of the ocean, worthy of a place 
 in the Eoman temples. Here, after he had built a tower as 
 a monument of his victory, the remains of which are still 
 extant, according to Pitiscus, called by the English the Old 
 Man, he rewarded his soldiers with one hundred denarii per 
 man; and, not contented yet with all this pageantry, he writ 
 to Eome to demand a triumph. 
 
 Eidiculous as this parade now appears, it is probable not 
 a few of the more ignorant Romans were imposed on by 
 it, and looked on Caligula as a real conqueror; a circum- 
 stance, which, if we consider the several tricks played since 
 by ministers and statesmen, will not appear so strange or 
 incredible. It is history which strips off the mask and 
 shows things in their true light; but this is not written, 
 or at least published until the ensuing age, and for the good 
 of posterity. I often lament that, being an old man, I have 
 but little hopes of seeing those histories of their own times, 
 which two of our cotemporaries, of very great genius, are 
 said to be compiling. 
 
 But, at the same time, I cannot help the felicitating myself 
 and my countrymen that one learned man hath thought fit 
 to indulge his own age with the history of his times : for 
 though from a peculiar modesty which shines in all the 
 actions of this great man, he calls it only an Apology for 
 his own life, and though some imagined it would have been 
 confined only to the theatre, yet certain it is that this valuable 
 work hath much greater matters in view, and may as properly 
 be styled an apology for the life of one who hath played a 
 very comical part, which, though theatrical, hath been acted 
 on a much larger stage than Drury Lane. 
 
 And here I cannot help mentioning some whimsical 
 opinions which perhaps the novelty of the attempt may 
 have occasioned; for though the offspring be of such a bulk 
 as is generally thought a security from being soon buried in 
 a band-box, and the good parent seems to imagine that he 
 hatli produced, as well as my Lord Clarendon, a KTrjixa es ad; 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 19
 
 290 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 for he refuses to quote anything out of Pasquin, lest he 
 should give it a chance of being remembered; yet some 
 imagined there is great reason to apprehend with him in 
 
 Horace, ne sit superstesj for Goody the midwife hath 
 
 been seen to shake her head, and nurse Lewis complains 
 that it lies in a heavy lump in the nursery, and cannot be 
 carried abroad even this fine weather : nay, several grammati- 
 cal physicians have not scrupled to say that the child is 
 produced from mala stamina, and instead of being born with 
 all its senses, hath indeed no sense in it. As for the vulgar, 
 they are as incredulous with regard to this, as to some other 
 births, and will not believe there was any offspring at all; 
 to Justify which suspicion, they allege that a guinea hath 
 been insisted on for the sight of it, a price which it is im- 
 probable any one would give barely to satisfy his curiosity; 
 they pretend that the vast difference between the pale 
 countenances of those children, which at all resemble the 
 father, such as Master Caesar in Egypt, the Heroic Daughter, 
 the Eefusal, and Love in a Eiddle, all dead long ago, and 
 the stronger complexion of some others, have brought the 
 chastity of his muse into question; nay, they aver that his 
 muse herself hath been long incapable of bringing any thing 
 to the least form; for that, of late years, she hath only 
 miscarried of strange lumps called Odes and Gazetteers. 
 Lastly, they affirm that the old gentleman hath been dead 
 some time, and that the laurel (the heirloom of the family) 
 hath fallen down on the head of his son. 
 
 But notwithstanding such malicious suggestions, I have the 
 pleasure to assure the reader (to drop the allegory), that there 
 is such a book to be had at Mr. Lewis's in Covent Garden, 
 treating of all manner of matters promiscuously; that is to 
 say, of ministers and actors, parliaments and play-houses, of 
 liberty, operas, farces, C. C. E. W. and many other good 
 things; amongst which there are several particulars which no 
 one can know without reading it, and which very probably 
 may not reach posterity in any other history. If therefore 
 the opinion that this book will have but a short duration 
 should be true, it may be attended with two remarkable cir-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 291 
 
 cumstances ; for the present age will not only equal, but exceed 
 posterity in the knowledge of their own times, and the author 
 may have a very singular fate ; and, if he creeps into no other 
 record, outlive the history of his own life. 
 
 I shall very shortly (for we must enjoy good things whilst 
 we have them) give the reader some taste of this invaluable 
 performance; I shall here only obviate a flying report, taken 
 from a confident assertion of some persons, that whatever 
 language it was writ in, it certainly could not be English; 
 an opinion which may possibly, together with the price, have 
 obstructed the sale and prevented any extracts from it in 
 the Farthing Post, whose author may not be good at transla- 
 tion. Now I shall prove it to be English in the following 
 manner. Wliatever book is writ in no other language, is 
 writ in English. This book is writ in no other language, 
 ergo, it is writ in English : of which language the author 
 hath shown himself a most absolute master; for surely he 
 must be absolute master of that whose laws he can trample 
 under feet, and which he can use as he pleases. This power 
 he hath exerted, of which I shall give a barbarous instance 
 in the case of the poor word adept ; ^ a word which I appre- 
 hend no school boy hath ever wantonly employed, unless to 
 signify the utmost perfection; for ignorance they cannot 
 plead who have gone beyond the accidence, since they must 
 then find that adipiscor vult adept us; nay an Englishman 
 may learn from Hudibras, 
 
 " In Rosicrucian lore, as learned 
 As he that ver^ adeptus earned." 
 
 * The author's words are these : " Mrs. Tofts, who first took her 
 first grounds of music in her own country, was then but an adept in 
 it: yet whatever defect the fashionable skilful might find in her 
 manner, she had, in the general sense of her spectators, charms that 
 few of the most learned singers ever arrive at. The beauty of her 
 fine proportioned figure, and the exquisitely sweet silver tone of her 
 voice, with that peculiar rapid swiftness of her throat, were perfec- 
 tions not to be imitated by art or labour." Thus I have transcribed 
 the whole paragraph, which, I think, abounds with many flowers of
 
 292 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 This word our great master hath tortured and wrested to 
 signify a tyro or novice, being directly contrary to the sense 
 in which it hath been hitherto used. 
 
 This spirit of absolute power is generally whipt out of 
 boys at school, and I could heartily wish our adept had been 
 in the way of such castigation. And perhaps it is on this 
 account that one of our poets says " That he Avho never 
 felt birch, should never wear bays," i.e. That no man should 
 be trusted with a pen who will take this method to show 
 us his great command of words. 
 
 Tuesday, April 29, 1740. 
 
 " Mandare quenquam Uteris cogitationes suas, qui eas nee disponere 
 nee illustrare possit, — Iwminis est intemperanter abutentis et 
 otio et Uteris." — Cicero, Tusc. Qu^st. 
 
 Notwithstanding the opinion of Cicero in my motto. 
 That he who commits his thoughts to paper without being 
 flblc methodically to range them, or properly to illustrate 
 them, gives us an instance of the most intemperate abuse 
 of his ovm time and of letters themselves; and though 
 Quintilian hath asserted, that grammar is the foundation of 
 all science; nay, Horace himself denies any thing to be in 
 the power of genius without improvement, notwithstanding 
 these aulhorities, I say, I have very often suspected whether 
 learning be of such consequence to a writer as it is imagined. 
 Tlois, however, I have hitherto kept to myself, and, perhaps, 
 though Horace hath, in another place, taken up the contrary 
 side to what he declares above, and hath enumerated many 
 advantages arising to a state from the custom of writing as 
 
 that exquisitely sweet silver style called the profound, and with per- 
 fections purely the gifts of genius, not to be imitated by art or 
 labour.— Fide Col. Cibb. Apol. fol. 226.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 293 
 
 ■well without, as with learning. I might perhaps have never 
 ventured publicly to have declared my opinion, had I not 
 found it supported by one of the greatest writers of our own 
 age : I mean Mr. Colley Gibber, who, in the apology for his 
 life, tells us, that " We have frequently great writers that 
 cannot read." 
 
 But as by not reading, our author explains himself not to 
 mean such as do not know their great A, but those who cannot 
 read theatrically; so by not reading I mean such as we gen- 
 erally say can hardly write and read, or in other words, a 
 man barely qualified to be a member of the E S y. 
 
 Our author, who is a great writer every inch of him, hath, 
 as well as Longinus, given us an example of what he asserts, 
 for I am. apprehensive that some persons who know him only 
 by his book, may really doubt whether he can read or no. As 
 this may possibly be a controverted point, I wish when he told 
 us he had gone through a school, he had also told us what 
 books they read in the upper form ; since there are, I believe, 
 some schools where the forms are numbered by the numbers 
 of syllables which make one word more difficult to spell than 
 another. However, though his history nowhere expressly de- 
 clares his ne plus ultra in learning; there is a passage in it 
 which though it may be overlooked by an ordinary reader, 
 brings this point within a very narrow compass of certainty: 
 wherever the verb out-do comes in (says our author), the 
 pleasant accusative case oui-doing is sure to follow. Now, as 
 I have shown in a former paper that his learning could have 
 gone very little beyond the accident, I think it is plain from 
 this instance that he must have learnt as far as the pleasant 
 accusative case, and not quite so far as the participles. A 
 part of speech which if he had known would certainly have 
 made its appearance here. 
 
 Having settled this point, I proceed to show the little ad- 
 vantage of learning, or grammar, to an author, which I shall 
 demonstrate two ways : First, I shall show that he is generally 
 to be understood without, and secondly. That he is sometimes 
 not to be understood with it. And of both these I shall 
 (as it lies in my way) give instances from the great writer
 
 294 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 above mentioned. Thus, when he sa^^s (fol. 23) " Satire is 
 angrily particular," every dunce of a reader knows he means 
 angry with a particular person; or when he says (page 25) 
 "A moral humanity," can't you strike moral out and let 
 humanity stand by itself, or put virtue in its place? When 
 in page 42 we read, "Beauty shines into equal warmth the 
 peasant and the courtier," do we not know what he means 
 though he hath made a verb active of shine, as in page 117, he 
 hath of regret, nothing could more painfully regret a ju- 
 dicious spectator. So in page 43, "The people met us in 
 acclamation." Page 55, "What pleasure is not languid to 
 satiety ? " Page 70, " Betterton excels himself." Page 71, 
 " Was not equal to his former self." Page 78, " The trial of 
 Lord Mohun printed among those of the state." Page 72, 
 " An acute and piercing tone which struck every syllable of 
 his words distinctly upon the ear." 109, " One side of the 
 cause grew weary." 114, "A fair promise to my being in 
 favour." 132, " The tragedians seemed to think their rank 
 as much above the comedians as in the characters they sever- 
 ally acted." Ihid, " Dogget could not with patience look upon 
 the costly trains and plumes of tragedy, in which knowing 
 himself to be useless, he thought were all a vain extrava- 
 gance." 134, "Never to pay their people when the money 
 did not come in, nor then neither, but in such proportions," 
 &c. — "This would induce the footmen to come all hands 
 aloft in the crack of our applauses." 139, " Studying per- 
 fect." 154, " The utile dulci was of old equally the point." 
 
 157, "The flatness of many miserable prologues seemed 
 
 wholly unequal to the few good ones," &c. 175, "Public 
 approbation is the warm weather of a theatrical plant." 176, 
 "Mrs. Oldfield threw out such new proffers of a genius." 
 202, "Melts into pangs of humanity." 220, "So exotic a 
 partner." 243, " Farinelli singing to an audience of five and 
 thirty pounds." 261, "The decadence of Betterton's com- 
 pany." 288, " A man may be debtor to sense or morality." 
 297, " Our enemies made a push of a good round lie upon us." 
 Now in all these instances, though a boldness of expression 
 is made use of, which none but great masters dare attempt,
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 395 
 
 and wMcli a schoolboy would run a great hazard by imitating, 
 yet we may with some little difficulty, without the least help 
 of grammar, give a guess at his meaning. But there are 
 other parts of this work so very sublime, that grammar offers 
 you its aid in vain ; the following style carries a Btav ajxavox, 
 according to Longinus, along with it, and absolutely over- 
 powers the reader, as the poets in Horace, 
 
 " Animum quocunque; volunt auditoris agunto." 
 
 So can our author ; this style comes upon you, says the former 
 critic, like a thunderbolt, or, to use a word which may give a 
 more familiar idea to my reader, like a blunderbuss, and car- 
 ries all before it. I shall produce some instances of this sub- 
 lime kind. Page 43, " So clear an emanation of beauty, 
 &c, struck me into a regard that had something softer than the 
 most profound respect in it." Page 62, " Some actors heavily 
 drag the sentiment along with a long-toned voice and absent 
 eye." Page 65, " Many a barren-brained author has streamed 
 into a frothy flowing style, pompously rolling into sounding 
 periods, signifying roundly nothing." 66, " The strong in- 
 telligence of his attitude and aspect, drew you into an im- 
 patient gaze." 67, "There is even a kind of language in 
 agreeable sounds, which, like the aspect of beauty, without 
 words, speaks and plays with the imagination." 69, " Let 
 our conception of whatever we are to speak, be ever so just, 
 our ear ever so true, yet, when we are to deliver it to an audi- 
 ence (I will leave fear out of the question), there must go 
 along with the whole a natural freedom and becoming grace, 
 which is easier to conceive than to describe : for without this 
 inexpressible somewhat, the performance will come out oddly 
 disguised, or somewhere defectively, unsurprising to the 
 hearer." 76, " The v/it of the poet seemed to come from him 
 extempore, and sharpened into more wit by his delivery." 
 101, "In all the chief parts she acted, the desirable was so 
 predominant, that no judge could be cold enough to consider 
 from what other particular excellence she became delightful." 
 158, " His accents were frequently too sharp and violent.
 
 296 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 which sometimes occasioned his eagerly cutting oU half the 
 sound of syllables that ought to have been gently melted into 
 the melody of metre," 176, " A forward and sudden step 
 into nature." 185, " Not long before this time, the Italian 
 opera began first to steal into England ; but in as rude a dis- 
 guise and unlike itself as possible ; in a lame hobbling trans- 
 lation, into our own language, with false quantities or metre 
 out of measure to its original notes sung by our own unskil- 
 ful voices." 209, " The mind of man is naturally free, and 
 when he is compelled or menaced into any opinion that he 
 does not readily conceive, he is more apt to doubt the truth 
 of it, than when his capacity is led by delight into evidence 
 and reason." 210, "A spectacle for vacancy of thought to 
 gaze at." 216, " Attention enough for any four persons." 
 Lastly, " Out of his depth with his simple head above water." 
 Which idea of our author that we may leave in our reader, 
 we will quote no more from him, since I apprehend what was 
 at first asserted is fully made out, viz. That it is needless 
 for a great writer to understand his grammar : for as we can 
 generally guess his meaning without it, so when his genius 
 (to speak in our author's style) ascends into the elevated and 
 nervously pompous elements of the sublime, the ladder of 
 grammar offers itself in vain to the feet of the reader's un- 
 derstanding: for though the words, which may be called the 
 brick and mortar of speech, are regularly conglutinated 
 together, so as to erect the extraneous frontispiece of a deli- 
 cate, excessively-sweet sugar-loaf of a pile ; yet if there be no 
 sentiment, no aspiring, animating, softly, sweetly tempered 
 spirit, this pile is only a naked building, void of furniture, 
 where the wearied understanding of the long travelled reader 
 will find no feather bed to repose himself on. 
 
 As we have not room in this paper to enumerate all the 
 particular beauties of this author, we shall be obliged to 
 divert the reader once more with him, when we shall attempt, 
 in his own style, which with vast industry we have made 
 ourselves masters of, to draw his own character; seeing there 
 are some parts of it M^hich either through haste or inad- 
 vertency he hath himself omitted.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 297 
 
 Saturday, May 3, 1740. 
 
 — " Aget pennd metuente solvi 
 
 Fama superstes." — Horace. 
 
 I HAVE often thought, as I have been walking in West- 
 minster Abbey, or any other repository of the bones and fame 
 of the dead, that the vanity of mankind was less ridiculously 
 displayed in those long encomiums, which generally begin 
 In sempiternam memoriam, — to the eternal remembrance, 
 &c., of some person of consequence, who probably is heard of 
 no more after his undertaker's bill is paid ; than in that more 
 simple and unaffected way (as it appears) of communicating 
 only the name of the dead, supposing, often with great 
 modesty, that no one can read the name, who is not before 
 acquainted with the history, works, and merits of the person. 
 
 But to leave these heroes in full possession of the eternity 
 of their reputation, which, if the world should last twenty 
 or thirty thousand years longer, might possibly be disputed; 
 we may perhaps wonder at the sagacity of those politicians 
 who could foresee that they should be able to cheat mankind 
 with so chimerical a reward; and that, whilst all the other 
 passions must be taken with substantial baits, pride, like the 
 dog in the water, was to be deceived and allured by a 
 shadow. 
 
 As it is thought an ill office to expose any innocent super- 
 stition which tends to promote virtue, what I have here ad- 
 vanced may be too hastily censured ; and it may be said, that 
 as the promoters of this fallacy had no other view but to 
 inspire men to great actions by these hopes of a chimerical 
 good, in attempting to argue away their opinion of it, we are 
 in reality enemies to her cause : for which we show no good 
 inclination by blowing up or undermining one of her out- 
 works, though perhaps not so defensible as some others; but 
 to speak plain, T wish good men would leave virtue and truth 
 to their own defence, without bringing fraud and falsehood
 
 298 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 to their assistance. It may become a skilful engineer to blow 
 up a rotten redoubt, and draw all his forces to the defence of 
 the sound and strong rampart: for every work which the 
 enemy carries against opposition, raises his spirits and in- 
 spires him with contempt of the rest; whereas, by blowing 
 up all the out-works, and standing at once to the defence of 
 our bastions, we at least give the enemy an opinion of our 
 confidence in their strength. The same happens in the de- 
 fence of our systems. One honest, plain, substantial, evident 
 argument, hath more weight with our adversary, more success 
 in convincing or confuting him, than a hundred sophistical, 
 fallacious syllogisms, which, whenever detected, make us sus- 
 pect the weakness of the cause, and incline us to doubt 
 whether those who fly to such resources, do not endeavour 
 to persuade us of what they are by no means convinced them- 
 selves. 
 
 Nor am I certain that these chimerical expectations do in 
 reality so much service to the cause of virtue as hath been 
 apprehended: or indeed, that vice itself hath not been 
 propagated by this means; for some men seem as eager 
 to prolong their names, as others to prolong their lives, 
 and would eternise their remembrance, at any rate. To 
 omit the trite story of the man who burnt the temple 
 at Ephesus, or the less known instance of an English 
 villain, who comforted himself in his way to the gallows, that 
 his name would get into history, and he should live on record ; 
 what hath caused such desolation as this ridiculous vanity? 
 To this the world owe their conquerors, from Cyrus down to 
 Charles the Xllth of Sweden, the last hero, except the present 
 Persian madman, who hath infested, or I hope, will infest 
 the earth. It was this which encouraged a Turkish em- 
 peror to order it to be engraved on his tomb, " That he had 
 been the occasion of the death of eight hundred thousand 
 men ; " thus resolving to perpetuate his name and his infamy 
 together. 
 
 Good actions require no such rewards. A Christian expects 
 those of infinitely greater value, and an ancient heathen 
 would have told us, that virtue had in herself sufficient to
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 399 
 
 reward her followers, and, like perfect beauty, did not require 
 the allurements of a good fortune to make men desirous of 
 her possession. 
 
 The following instance of contempt for this ridiculous 
 vanity is expressed with a philosophical spirit worthy the 
 wisest of men. It is in Dr. Sydenham's Treatise of the 
 Gout. " What matter is it," says that amiable author, " if 
 performing carefully the duty of a good citizen, and serving 
 the public to my own prejudice, I have no thanks for my 
 labour? For if the thing be rightly weighed, the providing 
 for esteem, I being now an old man, will be in short the 
 same, as to provide for that which is not : for what advantage 
 will it be to me after I am dead, that eight alphabetical ele- 
 ments, reduced into that order that will compose my name, 
 shall be pronounced by those who can no more frame an idea 
 of me in their minds, than I can now conceive what those are 
 to be who will not know such as were dead in the foregoing 
 age," &c. 
 
 But as there cannot be a more foolish, so there is not a 
 more general fondness than this of our names. The inventors 
 of arts have many of them transmitted their discoveries to 
 posterity, with their names tacked to them; nay, the world 
 hath been sometimes favoured with an opportunity of remem- 
 bering the first inventors of dances, dishes and fashions, and 
 such like. In the same manner, where men have been the 
 first movers of what the world has not had sense enough to 
 admire, they generally set a mark on tlie name of the founder. 
 Thus I question not, but through our labours, the ultra 
 suhlime will in future ages be called the Cibberian style: 
 nay, it hath been usual to celel:)rate (or if you please) stig- 
 matise men very particularly eminent for what they did not 
 themselves invent. And thus I question not but a vast 
 blunder, an impudent, simple and fatal defiance of our su- 
 periors, and a malicious pitiful lie, will be hereafter styled 
 
 a name which it is not necessary to insert, since the 
 
 chasm will be rightly filled up by the blackest and wickedest 
 man in the kingdom, whoever he is. 
 
 And .whoever thou art that deservest such a character.
 
 300 ARTICLED IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 though thou mayst have an equal contempt with me for any 
 honour which can he done thy name when thou art dead ; yet 
 consider, wicked man, thy immortal soul; or, if infidelity 
 guards thee from any terrors on this account, reflect on the 
 shortness of thy time here. If thou art young, it cannot he 
 long, if old, thy sins will soon overtake thee, or rather the 
 punishment for them. — Believe me, friend, thy days are draw- 
 ing to an end, and those are coming on, when thou shalt say 
 thou hast no pleasure in them. Impudence will not abash, 
 nor lying deceive for ever. Whatever contempt thou mayst 
 have of the powers above and below, thou wilt find thy con- 
 fidence ill-grounded. If thou art seated high, consider there 
 is but a minute's difference between the highest hum.an emi- 
 nence and the ground. Believe me, friend, it reflects less 
 honour on thee, to have imposed on men hitherto, than dis- 
 grace on them to have been imposed on. The ass in the 
 lion's skin is not less an ass when he is mistaken for a lion. 
 But flatter not thyself too much with the retrospect of thy 
 success; for lo in the theatre, where Rich, great machinist,' 
 presides over animate and inanimate machines, and the dex- 
 terous harlequin of sooty countenance, long time prevails, 
 turns all things topsy-turvy, subverts the order of nature, 
 and makes the human puppet man dance jigs upon his head; 
 while from the lofty regions of the gallery superior, where 
 the apprentice, the clerk, with all the viler riff-raff, the tag- 
 rag, and bob-tail of the world, are mounted (perhaps by the 
 noble Rich for this immediate purpose) above their superiors, 
 issue forth loud acclamations ; the silent pit is sullen and in- 
 dignant at the farce; nor in the box (unless some beau, like 
 cattle marked in the side to denote their owner, should there 
 display his blaze), breaks forth a whispering applause. Mark 
 thou the end, a set of solemn figures enter on the stage, the 
 power of harlequin is at an end, aloft they lift the impious 
 long-successful sorcerer, and thrust him down the throat of a 
 tremendous dragon. The gallery rattles with applause, and 
 those who were even now delighted with his tricks, seem no 
 less pleased with his fate. — Rejoice then, wicked man. in 
 thy tricks, and let thy heart cheer thee in the success of thy
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 301 
 
 tricks, but know that for all these tricks, we shall bring thee 
 to judgment. 
 
 Thuesday, May 8, 1740. 
 
 " Illi indignantes magno cum murmure, montis 
 Circurn claustra fremunt, celsa sedet Jjlolus arce." — VrRGiL. 
 
 The adepts in mechanics tell us, it is possible in theor}^ to 
 make a machine, with which, by a subordination of an infinite 
 number of wheels, a child might move the whole globe; nay 
 one of the ancients promises to show us this experiment, if 
 we will only find a place for him to stand on while he per- 
 forms it. 
 
 I have often thought our first politicians have framed their 
 schemes of government from the idea of this engine; for 
 what are the several officers and magistrates, from the king 
 to the constable, but the several wheels of state, in a sub- 
 ordinate manner, making up one grand machine, which, like 
 a piece of clock-work in right order, moves steadily and regu- 
 larly by fixed and certain laws ? 
 
 Now, as in the mechanical machine, if any body intervenes, 
 which hath no function assigned it by the maker, it must 
 necessarily disorder the operation, and in proportion to the 
 weight and power of this intervening body, will be tbe con- 
 fusion and disorder occasioned by it ; the same must happen 
 in the political, whenever any person intrudes into a place, 
 where, by the original constitution of the government, he 
 ought not to be; for nothing can move by the laws assigned 
 it at its creation, unless what preserves the same form it had 
 when those laws were assigned. 
 
 But if the place to stand on be found out, if a man once 
 discovers a niethod of governing and setting this grand ma- 
 chine in motion, when and as he pleases, he may then turn 
 round the commonwealth at his will, and teach it, as Mr. 
 Gibber says, to dance like an old lion, nay, may play tricks
 
 302 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 with it, like the master of a raree-show, who sets kings on 
 their heads, makes the Czar of Muscovy, the King of France, 
 and all other great personages dance at his command in what- 
 ever manner he pleases. 
 
 The reader, I believe, already perceives that I point directly 
 at a prime minister, a magistrate, who, though not consistent 
 with our constitution, nor countenanced by our laws, hath 
 often found means to insinuate himself into the political 
 machine, and sometimes hath made a handle of the preroga- 
 tive, by which he hath managed the whole according to his 
 pleasure; and this, without any personal merit, or distin- 
 guished abilities, but, (as Dr. Fiddes says in his Life of 
 Cardinal Wolsey,) "By a conflux of fortunate accidents, or 
 in the Christian dialect, certain happy and favourable dis- 
 positions of Providence, which does even sometimes appear 
 to lay a train for the advancement of particular persons; a 
 train which they have nothing to do but to follow directly, 
 towards the accomplishment of every thing they can propose 
 to themselves in this world." 
 
 Thus, ^Yolsey, from the meanest extraction, with such dis- 
 solute and scandalous morals, that he was publicly set in the 
 stocks, was, " by a conflux of fortunate accidents," advanced 
 (if I may so say) above his sovereign; so that dukes and 
 earls held his towel and basin for him when he washed : nay 
 he was elated to such a height of arrogance that he was 
 offended at the Archbishop of Canterbury for subscribing 
 himself his brother, on which that prelate well remarked that 
 " The man was inebriated with success." The Duke of Venice 
 in one of his letters ascribes to him a participation of the 
 royal power and majesty, and compliments him with the su- 
 preme authority of the kingdom. In consequence of which 
 opinion, he received the pay of half the princes of Europe, 
 for which he sold his master and his country, and this with 
 so little temptation, that Fiddes tells us, (p. 351) his rev- 
 enues were equal to the crown. 
 
 But do we think the long reign of this minister was with 
 the consent and approbation of the people ? So much on the 
 contrary that his own historian confesses there was a great
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 303 
 
 and general disgust entertained against him; and my Lord 
 Herbert tells us (p. 1G2), "That the people took the com- 
 missions which he issued in the 17th of Henry VIII. so ill, 
 that it was like to have grown to a rebellion. This proceed- 
 ing," says he, " being afterwards disavowed by the king, got 
 the cardinal many a curse and the king many blessings." The 
 people plainly saw the royal power usurped, and the royal 
 favour engrossed by a subject and a mean one too; their 
 pockets drained to fill the public coffers, and those again 
 emptied to supply the minister's vanity. They saw his 
 avarice, his pride, his insolence, his corruption, they felt the 
 effects of all those, and groaned under them, but laws, without 
 a standing army, compelled them to submit. The cardinal 
 had found the place to stand on, he held fast the handle of 
 the prerogative, and turned the political machine round as he 
 pleased, whilst all but those creatures who sought his favour 
 and took his pay, (who if they were dukes were servants and 
 the meanest servants, voluntarily so, servile in nature without 
 the compulsion of fortune) hated and detested him. 
 
 Have you seen, reader, a team of those noble spirited ani- 
 mals we call horses pass by, whilst a little urchin wantonly 
 displayed his dexterity with a whip? Hath it not raised 
 your indignation to see those generous beasts submit to the 
 correction of this contemptible brat ? With such indignation 
 I read over those periods of our annals, where this brave, this 
 great, this powerful nation hath been insulted, betrayed, im- 
 poverished, and enslaved by some wicked minister, who hath 
 often had neither birth, nor virtues, nor even abilities to 
 recommend him, but hath owed his dignity only to a for- 
 tunate access to his prince, which he hath afterwards had the 
 address to improve by accommodating himself to his temper 
 or pleasures, or by persuading his master that he is useful 
 and even necessary to his interest. A common falsehood, and 
 yet so gross that I believe it will be difficult to find an English 
 prince who hath been unhappy, without owing it to his min- 
 isters. 
 
 I own there is something very ridiculous in the image of 
 several millions of people complaining bitterly against the
 
 304 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 insults and oppression of one man. What an idea must we 
 conceive of this man, but that he is another Hercules, or 
 rather a Captain Gulliver in a nation of Lilliputians ! But 
 suppose the fact so much on the contrary, that this man should 
 be one of the meanest and every way most contemptible in his 
 country; that, whilst every one plainly saw, and openly de- 
 clared, he was endeavouring to enslave and undo us, most 
 of us should entertain the greatest and justest contempt for 
 him, should know him to have no more parts than are neces- 
 sary to a very indifferent scrivener, and no more spirit than is 
 included in the composition of spite and malice ! If this ever 
 should be the case, what could we conclude, but that men are 
 harnessed as well as horses, and like them may be drove by the 
 meanest urchin; or that Government is really in politics, 
 what that imaginary machine would be in mechanics, and 
 may be so contrived, that neither art nor strength may be 
 necessary to direct it. 
 
 Hence it appears that it doth not require such mighty 
 abilities, nor doth it redound so much to the honour of a 
 minister to ruin his country as hath been apprehended. And 
 hence it may likewise be inferred, that whenever a bad minis- 
 ter shall take it into his head to ruin us, we must be irretriev- 
 ably lost. 
 
 But this latter is not so certain; for though it must be 
 confessed we should be in great danger, yet not so absolutely 
 overpowered, as to have no resource. Nay, indeed, we have 
 three very great ones. 
 
 The first and most natural dependence is on our House 
 of Commons, who are the bulwarks of our liberties; they 
 are the weight of the people in the scale of power, and suffi- 
 cient, at least, to keep the balance even. It is their duty to 
 be watchful for our liberties and properties, and, if properly 
 chosen, it is their interest: by properly chosen, I mean, 
 proper persons to be entrusted with that care ; for the faith- 
 ful discharge of which, a great estate is always the best 
 security to the electors. 
 
 But if our posterity should elect unfit representatives, 
 should sell themselves to such as will sell them again for
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 305 
 
 profit, and by these means a House of Commons should 
 neglect the universal cries of the nation, and openly support 
 a minister in barefaced iniquity, we have a second natural 
 resource to our father and protector, to whom we have a 
 right to apply for redress, and it is his own interest as well as 
 duty to redress us ; for the people can suffer no general injury 
 which will not reach the throne. And if that man who de- 
 prives the King of one subject is to be executed at his suit, 
 how much more would he deserve correction at his hands, who 
 should impoverish and undo his whole people ? 
 
 The last resource (and that to which, though the surest and 
 strongest of all, I hope, as it is preternatural, we shall never 
 be driven) is to our Father in Heaven. He hath more than 
 once interposed His divine hand and saved His people ; let us 
 therefore show our posterity an example, and begin betimes to 
 recommend ourselves to Him ; let us show Him by our duty 
 that we are His children, and He will demonstrate by His 
 love that He is our Father. If our posterity be bred up by 
 our precepts and example to honour Him, they may, with con- 
 fidence, in the evil day, cry out. From the Prime Minister 
 good Lord deliver us. Amen. 
 
 Saturday, May 10, 1740. 
 
 " CcbIo splendebat luna sereno." — Horace. 
 
 This morning my wife gave me the following letter, which 
 she says she found on her pillow; how it was laid there 
 neither of us know, though I cannot carry my superstition so 
 far as she does, who is firmly persuaded that it came from the 
 place whence it is dated, and hath insisted on my giving it the 
 public. I the rather comply with her, because my father, Mr. 
 Nehemiah Vinegar, says there are several good things in it, 
 that are beyond my comprehension. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 20
 
 306 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Full Moon, April 30th, Three in the Afternoon. 
 
 Sir, — You have a vulgar proverb among you to express 
 your ignorance of any thing, viz. I know no more of it than 
 the man in the moon, whereas indeed the man in the moon 
 knows more than any man in the world. 
 
 I am surprised that my high station did not prevent the 
 birth or growth of this error, since it is a general opinion that 
 ignorance is incompatible with a high station. I am certain 
 it hath given me an opportunity of seeing and knowing several 
 things in a light night, which I am too much a gentleman to 
 disclose. It is well for the reputation of some virtuous ladies 
 that there is no woman in the moon, if there was, I should at 
 least advise them to take some care of their windows as well 
 as their doors. 
 
 Or if I was inclined to discover secrets of another nature, I 
 could entitle myself to hush money much better than some on 
 the earth who have received it; unless my discoveries would 
 be of such a strange nature that no one could possibly believe 
 them. AVere the intimacies which I have beheld between the 
 dregs of the people and a certain great man to be disclosed ; 
 were the whispers, the kisses, the hugs, the squeezes by the 
 hand, the dear Toms, the Jacks, dear Wills, and the dear Bobs, 
 that I have seen pass to be exposed, it might become a ques- 
 tion, whether the most hated men in public life, might not, in 
 retirement, be the most contemptible. But I shall enjoy my 
 speculations by myself: and have the pleasure to know you 
 cannot even guess whom I mean. 
 
 How must a speculative man envy me, when he considers 
 that I alone can see human nature stript of all its disguises. 
 It is I that behold the hypocrite returning from the bare 
 ostentatious worship of his Creator, to pay his real adoration 
 to the golden idol of his soul. I see the ragged miser and 
 the cheating bankrupt tell their gold, and the fine-drest gen- 
 tleman alight from his gilt chariot, and go supperless to bed, 
 by the light, or rather darkness of a farthing candle. Xo 
 hero is henpecked, no truly worthy, very good sort of man is a 
 tyrant in his family, no sober citizen sneaks oat of his chair
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 307 
 
 about eight o'clock in regions of Covent Garden, no lewd or 
 corrupt bargain whatever is made without my privity. 
 
 Alas ! Mr. Hercules, men appear quite different to me from 
 what they do in the face of the sun (when you know I have an 
 opportunity of seeing them, though of not being seen by 
 them), but perhaps you will say m.y pleasure is like that of a 
 man behind the scenes at your play-houses (you find I know 
 all things) who, though he may behold objects in the truest, 
 sees them at the same time in the most odious light, and is 
 not so agreeably deceived as those to whom the painted side 
 of the canvas represents a beautiful grove or a palace. But 
 as my curiosity is better satisfied by those objects which I 
 have mentioned, so there are some where I have the advantage 
 every way, by viewing them in the truest coloiirs. What 
 would a lover give to peep in with me at a window? But if 
 this idea be unbecoming a man of my age, who am now almost 
 six thousand years old ; however I shall be allowed a pleasure 
 from beholding virtue honoured in disgrace, and triumphing 
 in distress. In the public applause of virtue there is nothing 
 uncommon or extraordinary, very small degrees of her have 
 often obtained the greatest honours; nay, vice herself hath 
 triumphed in open sunshine in her stead. It is I that accom- 
 pany the disgraced hero to his closet, when all his tinsel robes 
 and borrowed ornaments are stript off, and where virtue like 
 naked beauty shines with all her solemn, sober majesty. Here 
 they are perfectly distinguished from vice and ugliness, which 
 latter, in the face of the sun, by the assistance of titles, digni- 
 ties, and outward ornaments, often impose on the multitude. 
 
 But to leave these high scenes of life, I have often great 
 delight in the contemplation of humble virtue. And I do 
 assure you, that it is with no moderate pleasure that I peep in 
 at your window, where I behold yourself and Madam Joan, 
 enjoying the humble comforts of a mutton chop and a pint 
 of port, I often hear you recounting to each other the mis- 
 taken, idle pursuits of youth, before either of you had fully 
 discovered the folly and vanity of the world. It is with rap- 
 ture I observe you consulting the happiness of each other and 
 of your children, and shunning, with contempt, even innocent
 
 308 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 amusements that have not a tendency that way. I believe I 
 could, if I would indulge myself, draw a picture of happiness 
 here from the life, which the world hath rarely seen ; and this 
 even in despite of fortune, but when I consider that you your- 
 self must usher it into the world, I am silent. 
 
 If I find you publish this my first epistle, I may become a 
 useful and entertaining correspondent to you, and your read- 
 ers. I shall shine in at the windows of a coffee-house next 
 Saturday, to see whether you do me the immediate honour 
 which is my due ; and am^ 
 Sir, 
 
 Your most obedient, 
 Humble servant. 
 
 The Man in the Moon. 
 
 Captain Vinegar^ — I am much pleased with your criti- 
 cisms on the Apology, especially with your address, in putting 
 what I am told is the severest of all your remarks in Greek. 
 This (according to the art of Captain Bluff in the play) is 
 whispering very softly, so softly that it is impossible your 
 antagonist should hear it. 
 
 But notwithstanding all you have said, I have heard some 
 who have seen the original say, that there are very good things 
 in it. If so, I think it is pity some one doth not translate the 
 book into English. I am. Sir, 
 
 Yours, &c., 
 
 Phil. Col. 
 
 By the orthography of the following letter one would be in- 
 clined to think, it came from the author of the Apology him- 
 self. 
 
 Joan Crabverjuice^ to Captain Hercules Vinegar, 
 presents this kind epistle. 
 
 Loving Kins:man, — Chance having brought some of your 
 works to my view, I was agreeably surprised to find Vinegar 
 so nearly allyed to verjuice; at first I disdained claiming
 
 ARTICLED IN THE CHAMPION 309 
 
 you as a relation, being a true English assid myself, you of 
 foreign extraction; had you been Ale-gar, I should not one 
 
 moment have deferred addresing my beloved cousin . 
 
 But as virtue don't consist in names, and resides in some 
 degree in most nashions, I am willing to join my innate per- 
 fections to yours, and try what effect we can produce together. 
 — I don't suppose you are ignorant of my sundry virtues and 
 uses, nay, perhaps are more skilled in them than I can be, 
 yet give me leave gently to explain part of them. 
 
 First, to begin with the rickety infant, verjuice with some 
 balsamic ingredient, with the assistance of a soft hand and a 
 good fire, will soon set your son and heir upon his legs. 
 The same mixture may be very successfully applyed to our 
 young ladies of fashion, who hobble along the Mall as if their 
 pritty feet had been swathed by East India nurses, or that 
 each charming creature expected a present of a pair of 
 crutches from her lover, to aid her in that loitorous exercise 
 called walking. Then am I excellent in restoring to their 
 proper use the M^orn-out knees, ankles and toes, of those who 
 have exercised each to much in midnight amusements, such 
 as kicking the watch abroad, and their wives and vallets at 
 home. 
 
 Yet beyond all, am I infallible in the reformation of your 
 petit maitres, courtiers, and all others of our useless indolent 
 countrymen; this balsom, together with a heating on the 
 shoulders, with one of my never failing branches, as I am a 
 true English plant, I will engage shal inspire them with all 
 the honest principles of our nation. There is never a sailor 
 on board our noble fleet under the command of that hero 
 Vernon, who is not armed with a tuff plant of the crab-tree, 
 or a heart of oake cudgell, to whom, and to no other I yield, 
 as he is king over the trees of the forest. Many good quali- 
 ties I have in a kitchin, can very well supply all good house- 
 wives in the place of lemons and oranges. Also your punch- 
 drinkers may make a shift with me in cases of necessity. 
 
 As I am not well skilled in natural philosophe, nor mistress 
 enough of grammur, to know whether I am of the masculin 
 or feminine gender, or spell right or wrong, be so good as to
 
 310 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 excuse all errors, and attribute the mistakes to the trans- 
 formation of the anus mirabilis, 1740. 
 
 If you think me a worthy relation, and will venture to 
 give me a place in your paper, I have abundance more Eng- 
 lish ascids at your service. 
 I am. 
 
 Noble captain, 
 
 Your respectfull kinswoman, 
 And 
 Most humble servant, 
 
 Joan Crabverjuice. 
 
 April 8th, 1740. 
 
 P.S. — A never-failing nostrum for the use of all the weakly 
 beaus and tottering belles in his Majesty's dominions. Its 
 vertues too numerous to publish more than the following two 
 extraordinary ones, viz. It will cause the ladies to speak 
 truth, and render the beaus fit for the service of their country. 
 
 E E C E P E. 
 
 Barbadoes Tar, — Opedildock mixt with verjuice to the 
 thickness of orange butter, rub well before a great fire, each 
 weak joint of the body, wraping up warm in flannel all the 
 parts affected. 
 
 The reader may please to remember that some time ago I 
 informed him of my intention to erect a Court of Judicature. 
 That court will open to-morrow, when abundance of criminals 
 
 will be tried. Amongst which are A. P e, for misprision 
 
 or concealing of several crimes. Col. Apol. for the murder of 
 the English language. T. Pistol, for breaking open a house 
 near the bottom of Parnassus. And one Forage, alias Brass, 
 alias His Honour, for several high crimes. With tbe most 
 material occurrences on these trials we shall acquaint the 
 public in this paper.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 311 
 
 Saturday, May 17, 1740. 
 -" Audacem fufjat lice, terretque poetam." — Horace. 
 
 PROCEEDINGS AT A COURT OF CENSORIAL INQUIRY HELD 
 BEFORE CAPTAIN HERCULES VINEGAR, GREAT CHAM- 
 PION AND CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN, ON MONDAY 
 THE 12TH INSTANT, BEING THE FIRST COURT HELD IN 
 THE FIRST YEAR OF HIS CENSORSHIP. 
 
 A. P. Esq. was indicted for that he, being a person to whom 
 nature had bequeathed many talents, in order and with design 
 that he might well and duly give people their own ; neverthe- 
 less, he the said A. P. the said good talents and design neglect- 
 ing and no ways regarding, but having too much fear before 
 his eyes, one Forage, alias Brass, alias His Honour, and many 
 other sad fellows to the jurors unknown, all sorts of roguery 
 to commit and perpetuate did allow and suffer, without giving 
 to the said Brass, &c., any thing of their own, and by these 
 means he the said A. P. did encourage, comfort, aid, abet, and 
 receive the said Brass, &c. 
 
 The prisoner being called on to plead, his counsel stood up 
 and spoke in the following manner : 
 
 Counsel. ]\Iay it please you, Mr. Captain, and you, gentle- 
 men of the jury, I am of counsel for the prisoner, and I do 
 apprehend it will be needless to trouble you, Mr. Captain, 
 with any of the manifold exceptions which might be taken to 
 this indictment, since the crime alleged against the prisoner is 
 such, that, was it never so fully charged, or was he ever so 
 clearly convicted of it, no judgment would, I conceive, be 
 given against him. For what is it we are accused of, but of 
 holding our tongue, or, in a legal phrase, of not giving people 
 their own? Now we hope, Mr. Captain, you will not punish 
 any one for not doing that which he would be punished in 
 other courts for doing. We therefore desire to read the statute 
 of noli me tangere, by which it vaW appear that the prisoner 
 could act in no other manner, without bringing himself into 
 visible danger, which the law will not oblige any man to incur.
 
 312 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Court. Eead the statute. 
 
 Counsel. Begin at p. 10. And if any person, &c. 
 
 Clerk reads. " And if any person shall presume to speak 
 or write any thing against the said Brass, such person, his wife, 
 his children, and all other his relations whatever, together 
 with all those of the said name, shall be ruined and starved." 
 
 Court. (Shaking his head.) The prisoner must be dis- 
 charged. 
 
 2. T. Pistol was called to the bar, but the gaoler answered, 
 that he had been that morning taken out of his custody by the 
 officer of another court, the said Pistol being at this time in 
 almost every court of the kingdom. 
 
 3. Col. Apol. was then sent to the bar. 
 Clerk. Col. Apol. hold up your hand. 
 
 Some time was spent before the prisoner could be brought 
 to know which hand he was to hold up. 
 
 You stand indicted here by the name of Col. Apol. late of 
 Covent Garden, Esq.; for that you, not having the fear of 
 grammar before your eyes, on the .... of .... at a certain place, 
 called the Bath,^ in the county of Somerset, in Knightsbridge, 
 in the county of Middlesex, in and upon the English language 
 an assault did make, and then and there, with a certain weapon 
 called a goose-quill, value one farthing, which you in your left 
 hand then held, several very broad wounds but of no depth at 
 all, on the said English language did make, and so you the 
 said Col. Apol. the said English language did murder. To 
 which the prisoner pleaded not guilty. 
 
 Several exceptions were taken to the indictment, as that the 
 wounds were not described and the English language was not 
 said to have died, &c., but they were all overruled. 
 
 Anne Applepie, sworn. The prisoner is my master. I 
 have often seen him with a goose-quill in his hand, and a 
 bottle full of liquor before him, into which he dipped the 
 weapon, and then made several scratches on white paper, but 
 
 ^ What if an obligation bear date at Bourdeaux, in France, where 
 shall it be sued? Answer is made, it may be alleged in a certain 
 place called Bourdeaux in France in Islington in the county of 
 Middlesex. Co. Lyt.. 261 h.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 313 
 
 with what design I can't tell. He would often ask me how I 
 spelt several words, upon which I told him I had never been at 
 school, and he answered, he had been at school, but had almost 
 forgot what he learned there. 
 
 Prisoner. Have you not often seen me look in a book ? 
 
 Anne Applepie. Yes, sir. 
 
 Court. What book? 
 
 Anne Applepie. I can't read myself, but my master used 
 to call it Bailey's Dicksnary. 
 
 At which there was a great laugh. 
 
 Thomas Trott^ sworn. An't please your honour, my 
 lord, I lived with the prisoner several years. About four years 
 ago, my master the prisoner, and I, were riding together 
 towards the Bath. Tarn, says my master, for so he used to 
 call me, what dost think? Sir, says I, I can't tell. Why, 
 says he, I am going to write my Life ; dost think 'twill sell ? 
 Ay, be sure, sir, says I : for I had heard my fellow servants 
 say, my master was a great writer, and Poet Horreat, which 
 they said was the top poet in the kingdom. And so an't please 
 your honour, my lord, as we jogged on, my master passing by 
 a river, called to me, Tam, says he, dost thou see the exquisite 
 sweet Sowings of that water, so sweetly will my Life flow. 
 These were his very words, but I little thought he meant any 
 harm, though I did not understand him. And so, my lord, 
 we came to an inn, and I observed the prisoner reading some- 
 thing that was written upon the window, and crying out, That 
 will do, an excellent thing for my book, stap my vitals ! 
 
 Prisoner. Did I not write something down in my pocket- 
 book, at the same time ? 
 
 Tkomas Trott. You did so. 
 
 Prisoner. You see, sir, what book was meant. It was my 
 usual custom to collect those scattered pieces of wit, which, by 
 repeating in company, I often gave a sparkling turn to the 
 delicate adroitness of conversation ; and sometimes by writing 
 the same on other windows. I have transconveyed the fiery 
 rays of a lucid understanding from one town to another. 
 
 Thomas Trott. I know no more of the matter, but that I 
 heard among the neighbours t'other day, that my master had
 
 314 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 made a terrible business on't, and that tie would be devilishly 
 ■worked for it in the Champion. 
 
 Then J. Wetts, Mr. Leuis, and some others were sworn and 
 brought the fact home on the prisoner, after which three num- 
 bers of the Champion were read, and the several quotations 
 compared with the original. 
 
 Court. "Well, Mr. Col. Apol. what have you to say for your- 
 self? 
 
 Peisoner. Sir, I am as innocent as the child which hath 
 not yet entered into human nature of the fact laid to my 
 charge. This accusation is the forward spring of envy of 
 my laurel. It is impossible I should have any enmity to the 
 English language, with which I am so little acquainted; if 
 therefore I have struck any wounds into it, they have rolled 
 from accident only. I confess in my book, that when I am 
 warmed with a thought, my imagination is apt to run away 
 with me, and make me talk nonsense. Besides, if the English 
 language be destroyed, it ought not to be laid to my charge, 
 since I can evidently demonstrate that other literati have used 
 the said language more barbarously than I have. I desire a 
 critical operator may be sworn. 
 
 A Critic sworn. Sir, I can affirm on my oath, that the 
 English language has had more violence done it by a very 
 great and eminent physician, who is M.D. C.R. Ed.S. and 
 F.R.S. than by the prisoner at the bar, for though the prisoner 
 certainly left several sore places in it, yet in the condition he 
 left it, it might be understood, and sometimes expressed itself 
 with much vigour; but the M.D. &c. hath so mangled and 
 mauled it, that when I came to examine the body, as it lay in 
 sheets in a bookseller's shop, I found it an expiring heavy 
 lump, without the least appearance of sense. I shall give you 
 one instance, sir, of this barbarous treatment. " Perhaps the 
 primitive animal body might consist of the first pure, specific 
 and hallowed elements, harmoniously combined, and elegantly 
 ranged in their original natures, of which our present patched 
 gross bodies, are only the confused dense kind ; as our present 
 globe of earth, its water, salt, air, light and earth, are but 
 probably the putrefied carcase of the primitive planet; but
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 315 
 
 both may continue to have some remote analogy to one another, 
 as a carcase hath to a living beauty, or an Egyptian mummy to 
 a Cleopatra." ^ After this instance no one will I believe lay 
 the murder of the English language to the prisoner's charge, 
 since it may be more properly called the murder of the lan- 
 guage to bring sentences together without any meaning, than 
 to make their meaning obscure by any slip in grammar or 
 orthography. 
 
 The prisoner then called several persons to his own and his 
 book's character ; as to his ov/ n they all gave him a very good 
 one, and particularly a certain fat gentleman, who often told 
 the court that he was a pleasant companion. 
 
 As to the book, they all agreed it was a very entertaining 
 one ; that several parts of it were really excellent, and that if 
 he had not, from the warmth of his imagination, run into 
 nonsense, nor, from the coldness of either his circumstances 
 or his principles had crawled out of his way into politics, his 
 book would have been perfect in its kind. That, even as it 
 was, the author had discovered a genius, though he appears 
 neither in his head or his heart to be much of a true English- 
 man. 
 
 The Captain then summed up the evidence, and, just before 
 he concluded, Mrs. Joan whispered in his ear, that the Apology 
 was ordered by the author to be twice advertised in the Cham- 
 pion, upon which the Captain, not from the motive of a bribe, 
 but of the prisoner's submission to his correction, and likewise 
 considering that he had stood already three times in the cen- 
 sorial pillory, and been well pelted, directed the jury in his 
 favour, and they found it chance-medley. 
 
 Brass was then brought to the bar, but it being late, and his 
 indictment so very long that it would have reached from West- 
 minster to the Tower, his trial was deferred, and tbe court 
 adjourned to the next day. But before they rose Dr. Cheyne's 
 late book was ordered to be immediately taken into custody. 
 
 ^ See Cheyne's Philosophical Conjectures, Discourse the First, p. 8.
 
 316 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 Saturday^ May 24, 1740. 
 
 -" Virgaque levem coerces 
 
 Aurea turbam." — Hobace. 
 
 I TOOK up the other day one of Lueian's dialogues, in which 
 that witty author introduces Charon addressing himself to 
 several passengers, and representing to them the smallness of 
 his boat, and the necessity of their leaving every thing behind 
 them for want of room. Then Mercury proceeds to examine 
 into the baggage of each individual, and obliges one to lay 
 aside his beauty, another his riches, his pride, his cruelty, a 
 third his honours, a fourth his delicacy, and thus having at 
 length stripped them of all their vices and follies, he admits 
 them into the boat. 
 
 The same evening I attended my wife Joan to the entertain- 
 ment of Orpheus and Eurydice, where, among other very beau- 
 tiful scenes, we were diverted with several prospects of hell. 
 A scene which the ingenious Rich so constantly introduces in 
 his performances, that my honest friend Leveredge hath been 
 made a devil of for these twenty years last past. I will not 
 examine whether the fire which is presented to the spectators 
 be so proper to the poetical hell, since it hath been very ex- 
 cellently adapted to the season, and will, I suppose, be left off, 
 when the summer requires an advertisement that care will be 
 taken to keep the house cool. 
 
 Whether the author I had read in the morning, or the ex- 
 hibition I had seen in the evening, or both together, might 
 occasion the following vision, I will not determine. But, on 
 my retiring to rest, my fancy hurried me towards those regions 
 I had seen represented, and I imagined myself on the banks 
 of the river Styx, where Charon was Just arrived with his 
 boat from the infernal side of the river, and a great number 
 of persons were crowding in order to get in. 
 
 The ferryman made much the same speech as he had made 
 in Lucian, and Mercury (who always attends on these occa-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 317 
 
 sions) was desired to suffer no person to enter, unless stark 
 naked. 
 
 A lady of no extraordinary beauty came forward and un- 
 drest with more readiness than I expected, but as she was 
 stepping into the boat, Mercury stopped her and insisted on 
 her tete de mouton. She begged heartily to retain it, but see- 
 ing IVIercury, who was very obstinate, pull out a pair of scis- 
 sors, she whipt it off herself, and discovered a crown shaved as 
 close as a friar's. 
 
 The next who advanced was a beautiful young creature of 
 about fifteen, so young that we were surprised to see her 
 appear big with child; but more so when we found she had 
 pulled off her clothes and her big belly together. Some body 
 spoke to her on this occasion, and she answered, that it was 
 the fashion for all young ladies to appear with child in the 
 world she came from. 
 
 A fine young gentleman came next, he was mighty un- 
 willing to strip, which we attributed to his affection for his 
 clothes, which were a laced paduasoy; but, on his at last 
 yielding to Mercury, we discovered another reason for his shy- 
 ness. 
 
 Half-a-dozen officers presented themselves all together; on 
 which account, I imagined, some battle had lately happened 
 in the upper world, but was informed, that they had all died 
 of a violent cold caught in an encampment. 
 
 A tall man came next, who stripped off an old grey coat 
 with great readiness, but as he was stepping into the boat, 
 Mercury demanded half his chin, which he utterly refused to 
 comply with, insisting on it that it was all his own. On 
 inquiry, I was told that he had been sent hither once or twice 
 before by the pit. x\fter a long dispute, Mercury bid him go 
 back and be d — mned again; to which he answered, he would 
 see him d — mned first. 
 
 Then approached a man with a very grave countenance, 
 who, I observed, had shovTi much contempt for the gentleman 
 last before mentioned, and indeed spoke very little to any of 
 the company. Mercury assured him, that he would suffer no 
 person to go aboard with that vast quantity of wisdom. A
 
 318 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 violent dispute arose^ but the matter vras soon compromised, 
 and on his agreeing to put off his gravity, he was permitted to 
 retain his wisdom. 
 
 Mercury now laid hold on a gentleman who was stepping 
 in full drest, upon which he presently cried out " A breach of 
 privilege ; " but he was obliged to leave his clothes behind, as 
 well as a large quantity of ayes and noes, which he carried at 
 his fingers' ends. He was told he might have carried these 
 over if they had been either in his head or heart. 
 
 The next passenger begged very heartily that he might be 
 admitted to take a piece of ribbon along v.dth him, as it was 
 what he had valued more than his honour or his country. 
 Mercury took pity on him, and told him though he was obliged 
 to stop the ribbon itself, he would permit him to carry over 
 all the merit of it. 
 
 A lady of a most austere countenance then addressed herself 
 to Mercury, and protested that she would never part with her 
 virtue, that she had preserved it without the least flaw for 
 forty years in the upper regions, though she had had the mis- 
 fortune to live in the impurest times, when women were grown 
 so intolerably forward, that it was the most shocking thing in 
 the world to — She was going on, when the examiner stopping 
 her sliort, cried out, Take your virtue with you and be 
 d — mned, but leave that horrible grim face behind. 
 
 She was no sooner past, than a most charming young 
 creature came up, attended by a great number of beaus and 
 smarts of all kinds. She dazzled the eyes of all her beholders, 
 and mine among the rest : for I thought except my wife Joan 
 in her prime, I had never seen any thing half so handsome. I 
 expected, from what I had observed before, that she would 
 have been obliged to part with her beauty, but was amazed to 
 hear the gentleman with the winged heel demand only her 
 innocence, which several women there assisted him in attempt- 
 ing to strip off ; but all in vain, it stuck too close to her, and 
 in spite of all their efforts, she took her place in the boat, 
 where she shone with all the loveliness of innocence and 
 beauty; and, as Dryden paints his Cleopatra, who resembled 
 her in the latter only.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 319 
 
 " She cast a look so languishingly aweet, 
 As if secure of all beholders' hearts 
 Neglecting, she could take them " 
 
 I was meditating on the hard fate which beauty generally 
 meets with, when my eyes were diverted by an elderly gentle- 
 man with a piece of withered laurel on his head. As soon as 
 he was stripped, we observed a little book which he had bound 
 close to his heart. I read the words Love in a Riddle very 
 plain, but he was obliged after many entreaties to leave it be- 
 hind him. I was surprised to see him pass examination with 
 his laurel on, and was assured by the standers by, that Mercury 
 would have taken it off, if he had seen it. 
 
 A young man with a meagre aspect followed him, who as I 
 heard, was the great Methodist. He was desired to lay aside 
 that vast quantity of religion, but was some time obstinate, 
 till he was at last prevailed on by several men in black, one of 
 whom enlarged on the folly of being righteous overmuch. He 
 then took his religion, and distributed it amongst all the black 
 gentry, and they afterwards went all into the boat without 
 any more interruption. 
 
 A bustling person came next, as naked, to my apprehension, 
 as when he was born. However, he was refused admittance 
 till he had taken off all his patriotism. He disputed a long 
 time, and made no little noise, until Charon holloaing out to 
 him, that he should have no place, while he kept the least part 
 of it about him, he gave two or three hearty shakes, and im- 
 mediately took his place. 
 
 A very awful personage now advanced. He had something 
 in his air that commanded respect, and at the same time in- 
 spired you with love. He stripped himself with great readi- 
 ness, not only of his clothes, but his titles, which he hung upon 
 posts in imitation of the ancients. And being now as we 
 thought naked, was going into the boat, when Mercury told 
 him he was mistaken if he thought he had stripped himself of 
 all. He required him therefore instantly to lay aside his 
 honour and integrity. The hero (for so he seemed) turned 
 round with a solemn disdain, and said he would rather stay
 
 320 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 on the shore to all eternity. This answer was received by all 
 present wnth vast applause, and several who were before pre- 
 paring themselves for the boat, turned about with him, and 
 seemed resolved to keep him company. 
 
 Charon was now about to put off, when a huge mob called 
 out to him. He answered he had not places for so many. 
 They answered he must then turn out those he had already in 
 the boat. I was impatient to know who these were who came 
 laden with a vast quantity of papers, which they insisted that 
 Charon should take aboard, and that a gentleman who was 
 coming would pay for their passage. Mercury at last grow- 
 ing angry, took up the papers, and threw them into the air; 
 the wind soon wafted them, like feathers over the water, and 
 the bearers were at length pacified by an assurance that they 
 should find them again on the other side. I thought as they 
 flew aloft, I could plainly read the words Gazetteer and Free- 
 man. 
 
 A very fat gentleman then approached with a vast attend- 
 ance, and began to strip, which he had presently accomplished, 
 his titles and dignities falling all off with the greatest ease. 
 He was no sooner naked, than all his retinue immediately ran 
 away from him, some of them bearing off his spoils along with 
 them. Mercury was very curious concerning a hole in his 
 breast, lest he should conceal any prohibited goods therein, 
 but the gentleman protested that he had nothing there but 
 his heart, which had been lately taken out and dissected, as 
 well as his head, which I observed looked in a very sorry con- 
 dition. He was then bid to put off his generosity, of which 
 they told me he had a vast quantity ; but on Mercury's taking 
 away his fear, his generosity immediately burst with a vast 
 crack, and dissipated itself into the air, leaving a great stink 
 behind it. Charon called to Mercury to take particular care 
 that he laid aside his politics, upon which Mercury searched 
 his hands, being, it seems, the present seat of politics, when a 
 bank bill was found fast inclosed in his fist, which he begged 
 very heartily to carry over, it being, as he said, his intention 
 to bribe the devil. When all his entreaties were vain,, he 
 offered Mercury part, which he resenting as an affront, thrust
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 321 
 
 him headlong into the boat. I then jumped in upon him, 
 with design to lend a hand to row him over, when the boat, 
 which was over-loaded, sunk down, and the shrieks of the pas- 
 sengers, together with my apprehension of the water, put an 
 end to ni}^ vision. 
 
 Satuedat, May 31, 1740. 
 
 " Olim truncus cram ficulnus, inutile lignum, 
 Cum faber, incerius scab num faceretne Priapum, 
 Maluit esse deum." * — Horace. 
 
 A CERTAIN minister once having mounted his pulpit, began 
 in this manner. In the fifth chapter of the first epistle to 
 the Corinthians, and part of the first verse you will find it 
 thus written : " It is reported commonly that there is for- 
 nication among you." The whole congregation were alarmed, 
 and several virtuous ladies began to be in fear for their friends 
 and neighbours, when lo, to the great surprise and ease of his 
 
 ' " Scamnum. Ita editiones et codices, quos viderim, Omnes. Per- 
 peram tamen et perabsurdum. Nemo quisquam mihi persuaserit 
 aut Horatium hcec Scripturum fuisse, aut amicos quels recitabat, 
 tarn facile condonaturos. Insulsum quippe to avriQsrov, non enim 
 opponitur vllo modo ro5 Priapo scamnum, nam, si dicas hoc in hortis, 
 illo in doynibus usui esse, plane nihil ad rem, nisi scamnum futile 
 quoddam esset et ad rem domesticam minus utile. Hoc mendum, 
 licet omnes interpretes, summo quidem cum silentio, prcetermiserint, 
 ( subolentibus forsan nonnullis, Bentleii saltern, emunctis naribus) 
 levissima mutatione, nempe unius literulw, castigatum erit. Repone 
 igitur refragrantibus et reclamantibus quantum queant et scriptis et 
 editis scab num, et sententice hcec erit ratio. Faber incertus erat 
 num faceret ex me scab faceretne Priapum. Ubi scab pro scabrum; 
 ut noster sat pro satis; Carm. 2, 19. et nos Cantab pro Cantabrigien- 
 sis usurpanius: scabrum porro noster epist. 1. 7. in eodem scnsu 
 habet. At hie substantivi, Grceco more, vi potitur. Hinc angli, a 
 scab. A shab, i. e. a paltry fellow." — Cunningmannus. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 21
 
 322 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 hearers, the doctor confined himself only to one word in his 
 text, and enlarged only on the nature of a report, without 
 mentioning another word of fornication. So the learned 
 reader will perhaps expect from my motto, a serious essay on 
 the freaks of fortune, who confers not only riches, but power 
 and even honours with the same caprice, and on as sorry sticks 
 of wood as the artificer above, where Horace introduces the 
 statue of Priapus giving the following account of himself: 
 " I was formerly the trunk of an old fig tree, a very sorry stick 
 of wood ; the artificer a long time doubted whether he should 
 make a joint-stool of me, or a Priapus, until at last my good 
 fortune determined him to convert me into a deity." 
 
 But it is not my present purpose to enter into this course 
 of speculation; and I shall confine myself like the preacher 
 above mentioned, to one single word in my motto; namely, 
 truncus, in English, a trunk. Nor will the reader, I hope, 
 despise my subject when he considers that one of the greatest 
 geniuses of our age hath condescended to write an essay on a 
 broomstick. 
 
 The ancients held the trunk of a tree in such great venera- 
 tion, that they believed every tree had an Hamadryad, or 
 sacred nymph, which was coeval with it. Of this superstition 
 Ifatalis Comes, in the fifth book of his Mythology, tells us two 
 stories; namely, of one Ehsecus, and the father of Parebius, 
 the former of which was rewarded for piously preserving a 
 tree; and the son of the latter paid the price of his father's 
 folly, who cut one down, notwithstanding the entreaties of the 
 poor nymph to the contrary. Nay, there are some remains of 
 this superstition even at this day : for it hath been observed, 
 that those rash young fellows, who are too apt to lay the axe 
 to the root seldom come to a good end; on which account 
 several prudent fathers inhibit their sons from the privilege of 
 
 cutting down a stick. My worthy friend P r W rs, 
 
 Esq., is so zealously attached to the Hamadryads, that I have 
 heard him say, he looks on rows of fine oaks to be a vast orna- 
 ment to the land whereon they grow: for which reason, not 
 only those nymphs, but the Dryads, the Oreades, the Napise, 
 and the Limoniades, are so much his friends, that when he
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 323 
 
 gets into their neigllbo^^rhoocl, it is seldom long before they 
 deliver themselves up to his possession. 
 
 The oaks or trunks of Dodona are well known in history. 
 They were supposed vocal, of which Mr. Pope in his notes on 
 the fourteenth Odyssey says, " He doubts not but this was an 
 illusion of those who gave out the oracles to the people. They 
 concealed themselves within the cavities (the trunks) of the 
 oaks, and imposing by this method on the superstition and 
 credulity of those ages, persuaded the world that the gods 
 gave a voice and utterance to the oaks." He hath a note in 
 the sixteenth book of the Iliad of much the same kind, which 
 ends with this observation, " That it is a practice which the 
 pious frauds of succeeding ages have rendered not improb- 
 able." 
 
 I have often thought the superstition of the Hamadryads 
 must have very strongly prevailed among the Eomans, or 
 Virgil would never have introduced the story of Polydorus 
 into his ^neid ; which a reader, who is not a heathen, cannot 
 esteem one of the greatest beauties in that immortal poem, as 
 it suits better with the extravagance of the Metamorphoses, 
 than the sober dignity of the ^neid. 
 
 There are many instances of the respect which the moderns 
 pay to trunlis. The great judge of dramatic poetry, formerly 
 when plays were acted here, was called the Trunk Acorn, from 
 an oaken cudgel which he had in his hand, with which he used 
 to signify his applause: his name was afterwards corrupted 
 into Trunk Acre, and thence into Trunk Maker. Nor is it a 
 small evidence of our great respect for trunks, that we call 
 that machine which is of the last and greatest importance to 
 every commonwealth by the name of the tree. But the great- 
 est instance of this religious adoration, is the attributing the 
 name of trunk to the principal and most dignified part of the 
 human body, namely, the belly, or the habitation of the guts, 
 which is called by all writers the trunk of the human body. 
 
 And here I shall take an opportunity to offer my conjectures 
 on a passage in Montaigne, which I believe many of his readers 
 have misunderstood. That MTiter in the twenty-second chap- 
 ter of his first book, among other very strange customs which
 
 324 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 he there reports of several nations, tells us : " That there are 
 a people, where (his wife and children excepted) no one speaks 
 to the king but through a trunk." This trunk is, I believe, 
 generally imagined to have been a hollow stick of wood through 
 which the voice was conveyed as through a speaking trumpet ; 
 but this would have had too violent an impulse on the royal 
 tympanum. Mr. Warburton imagines that this trunk was the 
 vehicle in which remonstrances and petitions were sent en- 
 closed, and the key probably delivered to the Prime Minister. 
 Mr. Tibbuld conjectures that the trunk means the Prime Min- 
 ister himself, who might be called a trunk,^ as he might per- 
 adventure be the keeper of the king's treasures, and men were 
 said to convey their messages to majesty through him, as he 
 possibly was the only person who could approach his sovereign. 
 I was long at a loss what to make of this passage, until after 
 much reading upon and in trunks, I at last, by mere good 
 luck, met with an old picture, with which I shall present the 
 reader, and which I think perfectly well explains the method 
 of application intended by Montaigne. This trunk then was 
 a piece of wood made somewhat like the form of a human 
 body, and much larger than the life; that part of it where 
 the head should have been, reached up to a great ear, behind 
 which the king either was, or was supposed to be ; to the lower 
 part of the trunk, (namely, that which clowns tell you, you 
 may repair to, when you say any thing they don't like) all 
 persons applied. Thus a represents the great ear; h the 
 body of the trunk ; c the place of application ; d a gentleman 
 or nobleman applying; e those who wait until it comes to their 
 turn. - 
 
 I shall not trouble the reader with any attempts to dis- 
 cover what nation is here meant. Mr. Cotton in his transla- 
 tion (for I have not the French by me) expresses himself in 
 the present tense, so that the custom appears to have been 
 extant when Montaigne wrote, nor shall I examine whether it 
 be spoken literally or only figuratively, of some enslaved peo- 
 
 * 0- If it should not be strong box? 
 
 ' The letters refer to a very rough caricature which it has not 
 eeemed desirable to reproduce.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 325 
 
 pie, by that author. But I must take notice, that it was one 
 of the cvmningest inventions to engross the royal power to 
 himself, which could have been possibly imagined by any min- 
 ister, who, by conveying himself into the guts of this mons- 
 trous trunk, might discharge what he pleased into the mouths 
 of his petitioners, and, at the same time, impose on them a 
 belief that it came from his master, and thus those great per- 
 sons whom Montaigne in the very preceding page, informs us, 
 used to stoop to take up the royal ordure in a linen cloth, prob- 
 ably carried nothing better than plain ministerial about them, 
 since the minister probably discharged in this manner all 
 the honours and wealth of his country. I shall conclude with 
 observing, that we have among us many phrases, pointing at 
 the antiquity of this custom. Such are the name of a gold- 
 finder, sh — n luck is good luck. And lastly, the idea annexed 
 
 to the words a sh n fellow, meaning one who would apply 
 
 for fortune to the vilest part of the vilest trunk. 
 
 Saturday, June 7, 1740. 
 
 " Bespondesne tuo, die sodes, nomine." — HoBACEJ. 
 
 There is nothing more ridiculous than the superstition 
 concerning names. I have already mentioned the foolish 
 fondness which we are apt to entertain for our own, and the 
 weak desire of immortalising them; nor is the antipathy, 
 which history acquaints us, that men have often taken to 
 names, less absurd. The Eomans, to express their detestation 
 of Antoninus Heliogabalus, made a law that no succeeding 
 emperor should be called Antoninus; and on the death of 
 Harry IV. of France, the family of Eavaillac were obliged to 
 change that name, which was so odious in France, that a 
 writer of that king's history, whom I have read, never once 
 mentions it, but when he speaks of that assassin, does it only
 
 326 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 by tlie appellation of le sceUrat, or other terms of re- 
 proach. 
 
 Very grave authors have condescended to remarks on this 
 head, which might make a reader even of a saturnine com- 
 plexion smile. I remember to have somewhere seen an ob- 
 servation, that Eome, which was at its height of splendour in 
 the reign of Augustus, fell to decay under Augustulus; and 
 that Constantinople v/as both built and lost by a Constantine. 
 
 The good women who quarrel about particular names at a 
 christening, some contending to give this, some that to a 
 child, as it belongs to themselves, as they approve its sound, 
 as some wearer of it in the same family hath been lucky, or 
 other good reason, little know that they have no less an au- 
 thority than Pliny the Elder in their favour, who seriously 
 advises parents to give pretty names to their children. 
 
 Montaigne tells us, " That every nation hath certain names, 
 that (says he), I know not why, are taken in no good sense, 
 as with us, John, William, and Bonoist. In the genealogy of 
 princes, also there seems to be certain names fatally affected, 
 as the Ptolemies of Egypt, the Henries of England, the 
 Charleses of France, the Baldwins of Flanders, and the Wil- 
 liams of our ancient Aquitain.^' 
 
 Perhaps an English reader will not agree with this instance 
 in the Henries, as we had but two very miserable kings out of 
 eight, which is pretty fair; but as to his observation of the 
 general dislike which some nations have for particular names, 
 it is most certainly founded on truth, though he doth not give 
 himself the trouble to examine into the reason of it, which 
 is not, I apprehend, as some think, from any greater agree- 
 ment, that certain sounds bear with this than that language, 
 nor from any of the other chimerical reasons ludicrous per- 
 sons assign; but it is, indeed, because the name hath been 
 made odious by some person who hath borne it, and hath trans- 
 mitted it to posterity with his iniquity annexed. 
 
 I shall give instances of this in several particular names, 
 nor do I doubt but the reader, who may be perhaps the inno- 
 cent proprietor of any name here mentioned, will be of my 
 opinion.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 327 
 
 The first I shall mention is Thomas. It is, I believe, pretty 
 certain, that there hath been formerly some very remarkable 
 silly fellow of this appellation, whence this name is trans- 
 mitted to posterity with no great honour. Witness Tom Fool, 
 Tom Dingle, Cousin Tom, Silly Tom, and the application of 
 it to the most insignificant of birds, namely, a Tom Tit. 
 
 The idea annexed to Charles gives us reason to apprehend 
 that some very brave and bold fellow (long before the days of 
 Charles the Bold) whose history our Saxon ancestors have 
 not recorded, was so called. The learned Lyttleton, in that 
 excellent Collection of Antiquity, which he places at the end 
 of his Dictionary, derives it from Kerl or Carl, an ancient 
 word, says he, by which robust and brave fellows were called. 
 His Greek derivation from K-^p oAo?, or a fellow that is all 
 heart, notwithstanding the afiinity of the sound, doth not 
 please me, as I find no such name among the Greeks, and our 
 ancestors were not so universally acquainted as we at present 
 are with that language. 
 
 By the name with which we have christened that dancing 
 light which constantly deceives and leads people out of their 
 way, I mean a will with a whisp, which the great K. B. Philol 
 tells us is evaporated out of a fat soil, we may conclude that 
 some very light insignificant fellow was formerly known by 
 that appellation, famous, it is probable, for tricking and de- 
 ceit. The aforesaid Philol would persuade us, that he had 
 something warlike about him; for he derives the name of 
 William from Guild Helm, harnessed with a guilded helmet, 
 or Wiol Helm, the shield or defence of many; or rather, that 
 wanted the shield or defence of many. Though, if I might 
 offer my conjecture, I should rather choose to derive it from 
 violin, which might probably typify some nonsensical, talk- 
 ative fellow, who abounded much in sound; or might allude 
 to some one who might not improperly be played upon with a 
 good stick. 
 
 As to the name Robin or Robert ; for they are much con- 
 founded. The many observations, which might be made on 
 this name would incline one to believe there had been several 
 famous persons of it, who gave rise to them. Or if tliey all
 
 328 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 took their rise from one, it might be said of this one, what 
 Mr. Dryden remarks of Zimri — 
 
 " A man so various, that he seem'd to be 
 Not one, but all mankind's epitome." 
 
 For first in cookery, there is a sauce called Robert's Sauce, 
 which is made of onion, mustard, butter, pepper, salt, and 
 vinegar. Hence we may imagine there was some person of the 
 name of Robert, that represented a strange kind of composi- 
 tion made up of repugnant ingredients. 
 
 There is likewise another performance in cookery, which 
 goes by the name of a Round Robin, and seems to point out 
 the figure of some Robin of antiquity. 
 
 Sir "William Davenant and Mr. Dryden in their alteration 
 of Macbeth record another sort of Robin, 
 
 " Liar Robin, 
 You must bob in," 
 
 alluding to a very ill quality in a gentleman of that appella- 
 tion. 
 
 The diminutive of this word carries likewise no good mean- 
 ing: for first, the expression of Tag Rag and Bobtail wliich 
 mean the most abandoned and profligate mob, insinuate that 
 some ancient Robin was the head of a gang of thieves. More- 
 over, to 1)ob signifies to cheat, and a dry bob, a taunt or scoff, 
 according to the Philol, nor hath the last any good meaning 
 in other authors. 
 
 Whether all these proceeded from the famous Robin Hood, 
 whose story is too well known to need repetition; or whether 
 Robin Hood himself was not christened from his iniquity. I 
 shall not venture to determine, any more than I shall whether 
 robbery came from Robin, or Robin from robbery: though I 
 must observe my Lord Coke's derivation of robbery from 
 rdbaria, proves the word no more to be of Latin extract, than 
 if he having called all ale, all ala, it would have proved that 
 the Latins drank that liquor. 
 
 The proverb, That many talk of Robin Hood who never shot 
 in his bow, is well known ; but there is another mentioned by
 
 ^J 
 
 iRTWLES IN THE CHAMPION 329 
 
 the learned Philol;, of most mysterious signification. I shall 
 give the proverb and the comment in his own words. 
 
 EoBiN Hood's Pennyworths. 
 
 <i 
 
 This proverb is usually applied to such as having gotten 
 any thing dishonestly, sell it at a price much below its value ; 
 according to the proverb, Lightly come, lightly go ; and Kobin 
 Hood is alluded to, because, being an expert archer, and so 
 coming easily by it, he could afford to sell venison as cheap as 
 pork or beef; according to the Latin and Greek proverbs." 
 Which are literally rendered gold for brass. 
 
 This proverb may likewise be applied to those who shared 
 part of Eobin Hood's plunder, which probably they squan- 
 dered in as ridiculous, as they had received it in an odious 
 manner. Or it may squint at those to whom he returned part 
 of what he had stolen, and perhaps made them pay twice the 
 value of it another way. 
 
 Before I dismiss Eobin Hood, I shall take off a vile appella- 
 tion, which hath been given by some people of late years, to 
 the most useful and valuable of all His Majesty's subjects, I 
 mean the merchants of London, namely, that of Sturdy Beg- 
 gars; whereas it appears by my Lord Coke's 3 Institut. fol. 
 197 in his cliapter of Eoberdsmen,^ that Sturdy Beggars, 
 Eibauds and Eoberdsmen were all one and the same persons ; 
 against whom there was a petition to the king, in the 50th of 
 Edward III. 
 
 I shall mention but one instance more concerning the name 
 of Eobin, and that is taken from a bird called a robin red- 
 breast; of which some superstitiously hold, that, let it do 
 what mischief it will, it is not to be hurt. Whence this absurd 
 opinion arose, I cannot assert; but if it be as mischievous a 
 bird as some say it is, I should certainly be as willing to twist 
 off its neck, as that of any other vermin. 
 
 We intended to have gone through m.ore names, but our 
 paper will not at present permit the farther prosecution of 
 
 * The gang of the infamous Kobin Hood were first so called, and 
 hence the name became general to any set of thieves or rascals.
 
 330 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 this subject, it must be therefore referred to some other oppor- 
 tunity. And we hope that learned and useful body, the R- 
 
 S y, will be pleased to accept of what we have already 
 
 with great labour fished out of the bottomless pool of antiquity, 
 and enroll in the number of their members their humble 
 servant, Hercules Vinegar. 
 
 Tuesday, June 10, 1740. 
 
 " Insuevit pater optimus hoc me, 
 
 Vt fugerem exemplis vitiorum quceque notando." — Horace. 
 
 Theke are few finer sentiments in Terence, than that which 
 he puts into the mouth of Demea, in the 3rd Act of the Adel- 
 phi ; where the old gentleman, giving an account of the edu- 
 cation of his son, says, 
 
 " Inspicere, tanquam in speculum, in vitas omnium 
 Jubeo: atque ex aliis sumere exemplum sibi." 
 
 I order him to consult the lives of men, as a looking-glass, 
 and to set his conduct by the example of others. The pleasant 
 parody of the facetious Mr. Syrus on this occasion would not 
 be borne by the nicety of our modern critics ; and, to confess 
 the truth, I think it an instance, even in that chaste writer, of 
 bringing in a jest at any rate; a fault into which many 
 dramatic poets have fallen. 
 
 Indeed nothing can be juster than Demea's observation, nor 
 less deserves to be ridiculed; the force of example is infinitely 
 stronger, as well as quicker, than precept; for which Horace 
 assigns this reason, That our eyes convey the idea more briskly 
 to the understanding than our ears. I shall venture to carry 
 this speculation a little farther, and to assert that we are 
 much better and easier taught by the examples of what we are 
 to shun, than by those which would instruct us what to pur- 
 sue; which opinion, if not new, I do not remember to have 
 seen accounted for, though the reason is perhaps obvious
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 331 
 
 enough, and may be, that we are more inclined to detest 
 and loathe what is odious in others, than to admire what is 
 laudable.! 
 
 Not to mention the trite story of the Lacedemonians, who 
 exhibited drunken slaves to their children, I cannot pass by 
 that of the old harper, who, as Pausanias informs us, sent his 
 scholars often to hear a very sorry scraper, his neighbour, that 
 they might by those means entertain an abhorrence of discord, 
 and ill music. A method, which, I apprehend, had more 
 effect on them than the enchanting harmony of Handel's com- 
 positions would have produced, if that great man had enjoyed 
 the use of speech two thousand years ago. 
 
 I have heard of an old gentleman, who, to preserve his 
 son from conversing with prostitutes, took him, when very 
 young, to the most abandoned brothels, in this town, and to 
 so good purpose, that the young man carried a sound body 
 into his v/ife's arms at eight and twenty. 
 
 Perhaps, I may be told with a sneer, that these wretched 
 scenes have not always the same effect; and it may be, I 
 believe, necessary for a young man to have his monitor with 
 him, to prevent his being cheated with the outward and false 
 appearance of gaiety and pleasure. On which account, I 
 esteem the ingenious Mr. Hogarth as one of the most useful 
 satirists any age hath produced. In his excellent works you 
 see the delusive scene exposed with all the force of humour, 
 and, on casting your eyes on another picture, you behold the 
 dreadful and fatal consequence. I almost dare affirm that 
 those two works of his, which he calls the Rake's and the 
 Harlot's Progress, are calculated more to serve the cause of 
 virtue, and for the preservation of mankind, than all the folios 
 of morality which have been ever written; and a sober family 
 should no more be without them, than without the Wliole Duty 
 of Man in their housed 
 
 Can there be a more instructive lesson against that abom- 
 inable and pernicious vice, ambition, than the sight of a mean 
 man, raised by fortunate accidents and execrable vices to power, 
 employing the basest measures and the vilest instruments to 
 support himself; looked up to only by sycophants and slaves
 
 332 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 and sturdy beggars/ wretches whom even he must in his heart 
 despise in all their tinsel; looked down upon, and scorned 
 and shunned by every man of honour, nay, by every man of 
 sense, and those whom his rotten, rancorous heart must, in 
 spite of himself, reluctantly admire; v;ho knows that he is 
 justly hated by his whole country, who sees and feels his dan- 
 ger; tottering, shaking, trembling; without appetite for his 
 dainties, without abilities for his women, without taste for his 
 elegances, without dignity in his robes, without honour from 
 his titles, without authority from his power, and without ease 
 in his palace, or repose in his bed of down. If such an idea 
 can make us nauseate ambition, I believe if we turn over the 
 pages of our history we shall find such examples. 
 
 'Since then it is so wholesome a lesson to show us what we 
 ought not to do, or what we ought not to be, might we not 
 instruct our youth much better by example than precept ? I 
 am convinced, schools might be so contrived that our children 
 should be educated in better principles than at present, and a 
 very large expense of birch saved to the nation.''^, 
 
 Suppose, for instance, a school was instituted,' of which the 
 master should get drunk twice or thrice a week, or oftener if 
 he pleased, and expose himself to the scholars. This vice, in 
 a person of such dignity, would appear infinitely more odious 
 than in a common servant or slave. 
 
 To make his scholars sensible of the contempt a man justly 
 incurs by being absolutely governed by his wife, it might not 
 be amiss that the master should sometimes be laid on a bench 
 in the school, and receive five or six gentle lashes on his pos- 
 teriors from his consort : which would probably have the same 
 effect on the master himself, as he had felt from chastising 
 the same part in a beautiful youth, an exercise, however, not 
 to be entirely omitted by him ; for he should sometimes flay 
 a poor boy or charity scholar, to show his pupils the baseness 
 of insulting over their inferiors in fortune. 
 
 Every master (if he could afford it) should keep some worth- 
 less fellow for an usher or deputy, who should set the master 
 against the best of his boys, place the most illiterate block- 
 
 * Another name for Roberdsmen.
 
 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 33 
 
 •> 
 
 heads at the head of the school, discourage learning, laugh at 
 virtue, and, to finish all, keep a correspondence with the usher 
 of another school, from whom he should receive pay, to sacri- 
 fice his own master and scholars. These examples would in- 
 struct the boys, by showing them the detestable colours of all 
 villainy and knavery in life. 
 
 Examples of all the other vices might be exposed in the 
 same manner, from which, besides other advantages, persons 
 might be kept in countenance in the disposal of the govern- 
 ment of great schools, since a good-for-nothing fellow might 
 be then said to be preferred to it strictly for his merit. 
 
 And, as it may be necessary to breed up our youth in the 
 principles of good Englishmen, for, nunquam sera est ad 
 honos mores via, 'Tis never too late to learn, nor to teach; an 
 early abhorrence of bribery may be instilled into them, by in- 
 stituting the following play, viz. two of the most learned, and 
 two of the most illiterate should be candidates for the laureL 
 The learned boys should depend on their merit, but the other 
 two should distribute a great number of marbles, balls, tops, 
 or other playthings amongst the electors, by which the latter 
 should carry the point, and be hoisted into the school upon 
 two joint-stools on the shoulders of their school fellows. 
 
 ft know but one objection to this scheme of education, which 
 is, that if our youth were bred in this manner, they would 
 probably be so virtuous as to look on their ancestors in a very 
 contemptible light : but whether this is not better than that all 
 other nations should look on them so, I submit to my readers."; 
 
 When the age of school is over, boys may be instructed by 
 examples according to the state or calling in life, for which 
 they are designed. Perhaps they may see some little of what 
 they ought to avoid in the learned professions. Indeed such 
 youths as are bred up to be prime ministers, are unfortunate 
 in this respect, as they can only be furnished with the ad- 
 mirable; but this disadvantage may be somewhat compen- 
 sated, by diligently reading the Gazetteers, wherein some prin- 
 ciples may be found; which persons, educated to be staunch 
 Englishmen, may think (as Shakespeare says) best honoured 
 in the neglect.
 
 334 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION . 
 
 Thursday, June 12, 1740. 
 "Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum." — Vibqil. 
 
 When first I communicated my design of taking up the 
 pen to my bookseller, who is a man of much knowledge in his 
 profession, he shook his head, and answered me, " Ah ! sir, 
 there are a great many papers in the world already." He is a 
 close person, and of very few words : for which reason all who 
 know him catch eagerly hold of every thing he delivers, which, 
 as it is often as obscure, so we treat it with the reverence of 
 an oracle. 
 
 In the same manner I behaved to him on this occasion. I 
 asked him, " If he thought there was any extraordinary merit 
 in any," he answered, " No." " Do you imagine it impossible 
 to excel them ? " " No." " Is there so much weight in pre- 
 possession and favour? And are some of them so well estab- 
 lished in the opinions of the people ? " " You have it." 
 
 Indeed, I have had reason to admire the sagacity of his ob- 
 servation; for we were a long time in the world before we 
 were taken much notice of, and the London and General 
 Evening Post, two papers of most extraordinary merit, were 
 read in many coffee houses, where the Champion's name was 
 never heard of. 
 
 However, notwithstanding this prejudice, and notwithstand- 
 ing an opposition which was carried on in the most unprece- 
 dented, and by the meanest methods, such as desiring coffee 
 houses not to take our paper in, dealing with hawkers not to 
 spread it through the town, and, if asked, to deny there was 
 any such paper extant, of which we have many proofs, with 
 many other excellent devices known only to the adepts of the 
 present age; notwithstanding all these, we have at length 
 arrived at a success and reputation which may justly make us 
 vain, and which (after returning thanks to our readers for it) 
 we do assure them we shall endeavour more and more to de- 
 serve.
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 335 
 
 When I look back on the precipice of oblivion ( if I may so 
 call it) whence this paper so narrowly escaped (our little stock 
 being at one time almost exhausted), I must own myself in a 
 more than ordinary manner elated with my present good for- 
 tune: for, besides the discouragements I have before men- 
 tioned, the difficulty of pleasing all palates will be easily ac- 
 knowledged, not only by those who have attempted it, but even 
 by such sensible persons as will give themselves the trouble of 
 reflecting on it : for first, a cursed spirit of indignation rages 
 against every writer before he hath established a reputation. 
 Another obstruction is, the great difference of opinion con- 
 cerning all works of wit and humour, so that there is nothing 
 truer than Shakespeare's observation in his Love's Labour's 
 
 Lost, 
 
 " A jest's prosperity lies in the ear 
 Of him that hears it, never in the tongue 
 Of him that makes it." 
 
 Thus we often hear one gentleman expressing himself with a 
 " most exquisitely good, most inimitably fine indeed ; " and 
 another presently after, laying down the same treatise, and 
 crying out, " What cursed stuff is here ! " Thus the audience 
 at a play-house are something divided about what is low,^ and 
 the critics on Homer, Virgil, Milton, and Pope, have been at 
 variance concerning what is high. Thus the characters of 
 several authors, and of particular works, have been contro- 
 verted through ages ; and I have heard the divine translation 
 of the Iliad, which I have lately with no disadvantage to the 
 translator compared with the original, censured for too much 
 deviation, by some good scholars, whose knowledge in the 
 Greek hath been unluckily a little deficient in the alphabet of 
 that language. 
 
 But the greatest difficulty with which a miscellaneous au- 
 thor must struggle, is the variety of his readers' palates. If 
 he be serious, one half of his readers cry he is dull ; if ludi- 
 crous, the other half call him ridiculous, foolish, farcical. 
 
 All persons moreover are desirous to be entertained with 
 
 ^ A word much used in the theatre, but of such uncertain significa- 
 tion, that I could never understand the meaning of it.
 
 336 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 
 
 what they are most conversant with and best understand. I 
 believe I have, since my undertaking this province, received 
 advertisements from every order and profession among us, 
 reproving me for not taking more notice of them: from all 
 which, I have the pleasure of observing the particular bent 
 which at present governs among them. Thus the ladies, who 
 reprehend me for not sufficiently inspecting the several assem- 
 blies (most of them at present sub dio) of the polite persons 
 of both sexes, all wonder I do not censure the men for making 
 so much noise about a woman, who hath no other charms, at 
 first sight, than the most beautiful face, and one of the finest 
 persons in the world. Letters in a military style and spelling 
 accuse me of taking too little notice of cockades, lace, and hats 
 and feathers. Several intimations are likewise received, 
 (from what corner I know not, not from a religious one; for 
 there is not a word of religion mentioned,) that the land tax 
 falls too heavy on the clergy. Nor can I omit a letter from a 
 country gentleman, who sends me word he is busy in making 
 interest against the next election, and wonders, I never take 
 an opportunity of informing the country of the number of 
 employments in the court and revenue, with their several sala- 
 ries and perquisites. 
 
 I have two epistles by the same post, the one dated from 
 Oxford, the other from Cambridge, which when I opened and 
 saw the word Greek written in a very distinguishable manner, 
 I apprehended I should be desired to insert frequent quota- 
 tions from that language; but, to my surprise, I was only 
 earnestly entreated never to put any Greek words in my paper 
 without translating them, kindly assuring me in a postscript, 
 which I had well nigh overlooked, that those learned bodies 
 did not require me to sacrifice my whole paper to their 
 use. 
 
 If my reader already should think me exposed to some 
 hardship, what opinion will he be of, when he considers, that 
 as all professions seldom talk, so they seldom desire to hear 
 of any thing besides themselves; and at the same time are 
 all so involved in mysteries, that what we write of each par- 
 ticular profession will be unintelligible to all besides the mem-
 
 ARTICLES IN THE CHAMPION 337 
 
 bers thereof: for instance, in physic^ "The solids (which 
 concentred, consolidated and condensed into their real or first 
 formation, size, would not equal a grain of sand) are per- 
 manent and durable, and continue pretty much in that state 
 of elasticity and firmness they were first created with; and 
 they are strong or weak, small or coarse, firm or lax, loose or 
 elastic, blunt or sharp, as they were first made by the Supreme 
 artificer, or are altered somewhat by the original dyscrasy or 
 distempers of the parents. The mother can only mend or 
 spoil their juices, which might be easily perfected by long con- 
 tinuance of a sweetening diet, during their younger days; 
 which, if they survive, they generally grow stronger as they 
 grow older, become the genii and the governors of the world, 
 because the solids thus purified come from the father alone, 
 and continue much the same all the time of their duration on 
 this globe, except so far as the small temporary and fugitive 
 alteration that diet, exercise, or evacuation, or mild, ponderous 
 medicines, long continued, may make on them," &c.^ Now 
 all this may be sense for aught I know, but it can be only 
 understood by a physician. Again, in natural (or, as our 
 author calls it, conjectural) philosophy. " This spiritual 
 animal body, at first divinely organised, may be rolled up, 
 folded together, and contracted in this present state of its 
 duration, into an infinitely small punctum saliens, into a 
 miniature of a miniature, in infinitum, lodged in the loins of 
 the male of all animals, (so it is highly probable the female 
 was but a secondary intention or a buttress to a falling edifice) 
 and proceeding in a diverging series, and progressive grada- 
 tion, that in due time it may be fit to be nourished, and in- 
 creased by the juices of the proper female, and thereby enabled 
 to bear the coarseness and injuries of this ruinous globe, and 
 gross element to which it is condemned for a certain period." ^ 
 This is a tid bit for a philosophical palate only. I could give 
 other instances in other sciences ; but I believe it already ap- 
 
 * This is not the beginning of the sentence, nor can we well tell 
 which is, there being almost two pages from one full stop to the next. 
 ^ Cheyne's Practical Essay on the Regimen of Diet, p. 3. 
 ' Id. Philos. Conject. on the Original Animal Body, p. 7. 
 
 Misc. Writings II — 22
 
 338 ARTICLES IN TEE CHAMPION 
 
 parent, that I can oblige but one set of my readers at a time 
 by meddling with the sciences. 
 
 In politics, I am no less at a loss : for, while some of my 
 correspondents furnish me with essays, which would be in no 
 wise relished in Westminster Hall, others advise me to let 
 politics entirely alone, adding that the post is a more expedi- 
 tious way of travelling for my papers than a waggon or a 
 stage coach. 
 
 I take the opportunity to assure my readers, all possible 
 care shall be used to please them all; but if at any time by 
 obliging one individual, or a particular set of correspondents, 
 or by complying with the earnest request of any one who is 
 ambitious to entertain the public in our paper, we should be 
 unintelligible, or appear dull to our readers in general; we 
 hope they will pardon us, though they should, now and then, 
 not taste our essay, as it may be compared to an eleemosynary 
 bottle given by the master of the house ; and they will be sure 
 to find in the body of this paper a little better entertainment 
 than in those of our cotemporaries. 
 
 Lastly, as to politics, our readers are to regard them as 
 their physic, not their food; and they may be assured Dr. 
 Lilbourne will dose them as often as it is requisite. He like- 
 wise gives them notice, that he is preparing a grand nostrum 
 to be taken by the whole nation before the next election.
 
 A PEOPEE AI^SWEE 
 
 TO A LATE 
 
 SCURRILOUS LIBEL 
 
 ENTITLED 
 
 AN APOLOGY FOR THE CONDUCT OF A 
 LATE CELEBRATED SECOND- 
 RATE MINISTER 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF THE JACOBITE'S JOURNAL 
 Hie niger est, hunc tu, Romane, caveto 
 
 889
 
 ADYEETISEMEI^T 
 
 The author of the following Answer would not be thought 
 to conceive it possible, that some of the insinuations in the 
 Apology could impose on any man living; the intent of this 
 Answer is to wipe off those odious lights attempted to be cast 
 on the late glorious Eevolution, and to obviate a very false and 
 dangerous conclusion, which the wicked author of the pam- 
 phlet hath presumed to draw from the whole. 
 
 Indeed it was highly improper to suffer such an attempt 
 to pass unregarded, and yet it must be acknowledged highly 
 diflficult to give a serious answer to a writer who builds the 
 deepest and blackest designs, on arguments in which he must 
 be supposed to be only in jest. 
 
 All that part therefore is waived, as well as what relates 
 to foreign politics, during the administration of the late 
 Earl of Orf ord : For tho' many of the objections here made 
 are false, I know no person who can be now called upon to 
 refute them. 
 
 341
 
 A PROPER ANSWER 
 
 TO A LATE 
 
 SCURRILOUS LIBEL 
 
 ENTITLED 
 
 AN APOLOGY FOR THE CONDUCT OF A LATE CELE- 
 BRATED SECOND-RATE MINISTER, &c. 
 
 When" popery without a mask stalks publickly abroad, and 
 Jesuits preach their doctrines in print, with the same con- 
 fidence as when the last popish prince was seated on the 
 throne, it becomes high time for every man, who wishes well 
 to his country, to offer some antidote to the intended poison. 
 
 There hath lately appeared a pamphlet entitled, "An 
 Apology for the Conduct of a celebrated Second-rate Minis- 
 ter," &c. This pamphlet, for impudence and falsehood, and, 
 at the same time, for the most secret and destructive views, 
 never had its equal. 
 
 The two former of these make it the object of contempt 
 and ridicule; but the latter place it in a more serious light, 
 and call for some antidote to the poison this is intended to 
 spread amongst the multitude. 
 
 This pamphlet asserts, 
 
 I. That the late Mr. Winnington was its author. 
 
 II. That not only he, but Sir Eobert Walpole, and all the 
 present ministry ; nay, that the Grand Duke of Marlborough, 
 
 843
 
 344 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 and the Lord Godolphin, were Jacobites; and acted from a 
 settled design of introducing the Pretender into this king- 
 dom. 
 
 III. That the late king was likewise a Jacobite^ and in- 
 tended to resign his crown in favour of that abjured, pre- 
 tended prince. 
 
 IV. That the king of France is in the interest of the House 
 of Hanover ; and not even a well-wisher to the cause of Jacob- 
 itism, or to the family of the Stuarts. 
 
 Such assertions as these, no man in his wits will attempt 
 to answer; nor no such man will, I believe, desire to see 
 them answered : But I must observe they greatly assist in 
 answering all the rest; since they either prove the author to 
 be a madman, or in jest ; or else that he is capable of assert- 
 ing falsehoods blacker than hell itself. 
 
 But black, and false, and wicked as this pamphlet is, it 
 contains some certain and undoubted truths: such are the 
 designs of Queen Anne and her Ministry, now first asserted 
 and avowed in print. True, indeed, it is, that this unhappy, 
 deluded princess was, by wicked ministers who acted under 
 the cabals of Eome, led into the most pernicious and destruc- 
 tive schemes. To execute these, was that detestable Treaty 
 of Utrecht made; by which France was again re-instated in 
 almost every thing she had lost, and relieved from all she had 
 to fear from her victorious enemies. To these destructive 
 schemes were sacrificed the fruits of so much blood and 
 treasure, and all those glorious consequences, which might 
 have been drawn from the unparallel'd successes of our arms, 
 under the conduct of the great, the protestant, the whig 
 Duke of Marlborough. To carry on these popish projects, 
 that great general was discarded: our allies, and with them 
 the protestant cause of Europe, was abandoned; and the 
 power of France restored, that she might be as able, as she 
 was ready to assist, with that power, in establishing the 
 throne in the house of Stuarts, and popery in this nation: 
 to both which, as necessarily connected together, she, and all 
 the other popish powers in Europe, had lent a helping hand, 
 during above half a century.
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 345 
 
 Yet weak as this Princess was, the Minister, it is said ^ 
 could not, with safety, trust her with all the secrets of his 
 plan. What secrets are here meant ? To introduce the Pre- 
 tender was her desire and design. Eather, therefore, say, 
 she was not to he trusted with the consequences of this 
 plan. Weak indeed this Princess was, but she was honest. 
 She would not have entered into this scheme, could she have 
 descerned it in its true light. She would not have attempted 
 to introduce a popish bigot, who hath no more right to be 
 King of England than he hath to be Emperor of China. She 
 woidd not have made this country a scene of bloodshed and 
 desolation; have brought popery, with all its dreadful hor- 
 rors, upon us, and have subjected this crown to be again de- 
 pendent on the French king. I say again; for dependent it 
 was during the reigns of the three last kings of the Stuart 
 line, and whom may that God, who alone can protect his own 
 protestant cause, grant to be the last of that line, who ever 
 shall reign in this nation, or rather, who shall be ever the 
 French vicegerents here. Let me add, that to this depend- 
 ence is principally owing the present grandeur of that am- 
 bitious crown, which is the only great sore of this nation, 
 and the chief plague of Europe. Under this dependence did 
 those wicked princes endeavour to subject this nation to 
 slavery; chusing rather to be viceroys over slaves, than the 
 limited kings of freemen: Nay, under this dependence did 
 Charles the Second, and James the Second, (and most openly 
 and plainly the last) attempt not only to destroy our civil, 
 but our religious liberty, and once more to cast the intolerable 
 bonds of popery upon us. But from popery, and from France, 
 and from the house of Stuart, the wretched tool of both, we 
 have been twice delivered, by the sense and by the bravery of 
 our ancestors : and should we ever submit to (much more 
 should we court) these chains again, what animal upon earth 
 is there so low and despicable, that it would not suffer in com- 
 parison with our baseness or with our folly. 
 
 And this, I thinl<:, our Jesuit is so kind to own : For speak- 
 ing of Sir Eobert Walpole's scheme (most absurd and ridicu- 
 
 1 In the apology.
 
 346 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 Ions supposition!) to introduce the Pretender, he says "An- 
 other branch of his scheme, was to corrupt the morals of 
 the people generally, in order to create an indifference in 
 them, towards religion and posterity. A disregard for the 
 latter would plunge them naturally into profusion and lux- 
 ury, which would necessarily hurry on poverty and despair; 
 and a disrelish for religious worship in general would ren- 
 der them less anxious and averse to those religious tenets, 
 that had given the best colour for the late change in the 
 constitution." These are verbatim his words ; and how they 
 came to drop unguardedly from the pen of a Jesuit may seem 
 justly surprizing. But it is well observed by a sensible as 
 well as worthy writer, that all villains, if closely attended 
 to, do, at one time or another, betray themselves. Could the 
 best and honestest whig in the nation have said more than 
 this? Nay, have they not said this a hundred times over? 
 For is it not here confess'd, totidem verbis, that nothing but 
 the utmost indifference toward religion and posterity; noth- 
 ing but a total disregard for the latter, joined with despair, 
 and an indifference, nay, a general disrelish for the former, 
 could effectuate this horrid scheme. Farther, is it not here 
 confess'd and avowed, that the success of this scheme would 
 be attended with the restoration of those religious tenets (i. e. 
 popery) which are here acknowledged to have given the best 
 colour for the Eevolution. 
 
 This is a degree of honesty which I did not expect in a 
 Jesuit ; but it is one of those political flaws, 
 
 -quas aut incuria fudit, 
 
 Aut humana parum cavit Natura. 
 
 For none but the devil himself is a Jesuit in consummate 
 perfection. 
 
 But what pray is meant by the change in the constitu- 
 tion? Or rather, what is meant by the old constitution, 
 which was changed at the Eevolution, and which any honest 
 man, or good Briton, would desire to see restored ? What is 
 this old constitution ? 
 
 Is it the constitution under the ancient tenures, which
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 347 
 
 was changed at the Restoration, given up as a kind of post- 
 limited condition by Charles the Second, at his return; and 
 in the hurry of joy in which he then was, when perhaps it 
 was little weighed or considered? The', to say the truth, 
 the interest of the crown was not concerned in maintaining it : 
 For tho' the greatest part of the people were in old time 
 slaves under these tenures, yet it was not a slavery to the 
 king, but to the great men of the nation, who, partly 
 by these means, were often too powerful for the king 
 himself. 
 
 Is it then the constitution under which the Barons lorded 
 it, as well over the king as over the people, and which was 
 destroyed by Henry the Seventh ? 
 
 Is it the tyranny of the Pope which we desire to restore, 
 and which was abolished by Henry the Eighth? 
 
 Or lastly; Is it that regal tyranny, which four successive 
 Princes of the House of Stuart had been endeavouring, by all 
 the means of fraud as well as of force, to erect and establish 
 in this kingdom ? 
 
 To lay the foundation of this tyrannical babel, did 
 Charles the Second sell himself to France. (I had almost 
 said to the devil.) With this view did he assist the French 
 king, in the projected extirpation of the protestant interest 
 in Europe: and with this view did he undermine both our 
 liberty and our religion at home. For this purpose were the 
 laws perverted to shed some of the best ^ and noblest blood in 
 the nation; and the pulpits corrupted to triunpet forth the 
 doctrines of absolute power; in which divines were found 
 shameless enough to assert, that the king hath an absolute 
 right to all that subjects were possessed of;^ that he had 
 power to raise taxes or subsidies without consent of parlia- 
 ment; and that all his subjects who resisted him would be 
 damned.' 
 
 ^Lord Russel, Sydney, &c. murdered by form of law, for having 
 been the champions of liberty, and of the protestant religion. 
 
 ^ Dr. Harsnet made, for such services. Bishop of Chichester. 
 
 » Dr. Maynwaring, in a sermon before the king, after which he was 
 soon made Bishop of St. David's.
 
 348 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 With the same views did James the Second (the founda- 
 tion being thus laid) carry on the mighty work openly, and 
 above ground. Not to enumerate all the tyrannical acts of 
 his reign, of which history is so full, and which are so recent, 
 that they are universally well known, his assuming to himself 
 the power of dispensing with laws, a power so unknown to 
 our constitution, was at once leaping (if I may be allowed 
 the expression) into the saddle of tyranny, and declaring 
 himself absolute. 
 
 Now, this fortress of arbitrary power was, I acknovdedge, 
 totally overturned by the Eevolution ; and to overturn it was 
 the whole end and design of that revolution. 
 
 But what change it hath introduced into our true constitu- 
 tion, I am at a loss to imagine. Indeed if we will acknowl- 
 edge, with the base flatterers who writ and preached in the 
 time of these Stuarts, that the king of England is, by the laws 
 of our constitution, absolute, and can be controuled only by 
 his own will: In short, if the absolute power exercised by 
 some of the Stuart Family, and aimed at by them all, be really 
 a part of our constitution, then I own the Eevolution hath 
 introduced a change ; a change for which we ought forever to 
 honour our glorious ancestors, for having so hazardously pur- 
 chased for us; since, without this change, we should, in all 
 probability, have been at this day the most wretched people 
 that ever groaned under the heavy burden of popery and arbi- 
 trary power. 
 
 Again, what means the Jesuit, when he says, "that those 
 who had the earliest and principal share in the conduct of 
 that mighty affair, (the Eevolution) had no view to such 
 a change as happened, nor intended to go such lengths, as 
 they were led into afterwards ? " Certainly they intended to 
 have expelled this popish tyrant; for that was the first step 
 to be taken. Or was he only to be corrected; to have his 
 absolute power taken from him for a time, and restored to 
 him again? But what degree of weakness must we allow to 
 men whom we can suppose capable of such designs, trusting 
 one a second time, who had already shewn he was not to be 
 trusted, having broken the most solemn promises, vows and
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 349 
 
 oaths before? Did they undertake this extremely hazard- 
 ous enterprize, at the certain price of their blood if they 
 failed, in order, if they should succeed, to give up not only 
 all for which they had contended, but themselves too, into 
 the hands of a tyrant, who would most certainly punish 
 them for what they had done? Did they rouse and incense 
 the lion, with a purpose only of casting themselves into his 
 den? 
 
 How then can they be said to have gone greater lengths 
 then they intended? Were too beneficial conditions stipu- 
 lated for the subject at tliis time? Did the declaration of 
 rights infringe the ancient powers and prerogatives of the 
 crown? Was King William too circumscribed a monarch? 
 Sure no Jesuit would wish him to have had more power; 
 or have the Princes which have reigned since lost any of the 
 majesty of their throne ; or can they derive their deprivation 
 of any right, with which our constitution hath invested an 
 English monarch, from this Eevolution. 
 
 And who are those people, who, in the very moment of 
 our deliverance to which they so gloriously, so dangerously 
 contributed, repented them of the good they had done, and 
 of the lengths into which they had been led effectually to free 
 themselves from popery and tyranny? Here my good Jesuit 
 will pause, I apprehend, some time, before he will be able to 
 name any such person. Struggles, I own, there were, very 
 early ones, not in favour of the old constitution, but in favour 
 of that new one so lately attempted to be introduced, and so 
 freshly abolished. And these struggles, I do agree with our 
 Jesuit, were highly to the dishonour of those who had shame- 
 fully yielded to the allurements of court favour and power, 
 and who were determined to involve their country in con- 
 fusion, and, if possible, to sacrifice it to the ruin it had so 
 narrowly, so providentially escaped, in order to obtain such 
 favour and power, or to revenge the disappointed. 
 
 This, I am afraid, was too great a source of that opposi- 
 tion which arose in the early days of the Eevolution; and 
 this hath been visibly in many instances, and actually I con- 
 ceive in most, the true genuine cause of opposition since.
 
 350 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 But enough of this skiomachy; for so in reality it is. I 
 haste to the grand point, to that poisonous doctrine, which 
 is endeavoured to be concealed in the vehicle of all this 
 buffoonery, in all these monstrous and absurd suppositions. 
 " Shall we not," says this most impudent and malicious 
 Writer, " arrive much sooner and more certainly at the port 
 of our happiness, by failing rather with, than against the 
 current of power? Let ail who are fond of war, and 
 parades on the continent, be indidged. Let all who would 
 maintain a large stand — corps of cherished foreign merce- 
 naries, have their way. Let those who would increase our 
 debts, be pleased. And let those who would prolong the war, 
 to increase these pledges, and for a pretext to continue 
 the aforesaid mercenaries in our pay, be praised and sup- 
 ported. In short, let all who would impoverish the people, 
 in order to humble them, and corrupt them, in order to efface 
 all generous notions of posterity, and their country out of 
 their breasts ; let those, I say, have rope enough, and they will 
 better answer our purposes than France, even if she were sin- 
 cere, and inclined to serve us." 
 
 Every article in the above paragraph is a manifest charge 
 on the present administration, and indeed on the present 
 establishment; and every one of these articles is as false as 
 any charge which ever came from the College of St. Omer's. 
 I will examine them separately. 
 
 Let all, says the writer, who are fond of war, be in- 
 dulged. But how can the present administration be charged 
 with being fond of war? Why, because we are engaged in a 
 war; a war undertaken at the repeated solicitations of the 
 merchants, by the advice of Parliament, and indeed desired, 
 I might say demanded by the whole nation. The then Min- 
 istry was forced into this war, against their will, they de- 
 clined it to the very last, were contemned and abused for 
 having declined it so long, and were at last compelled to 
 undertake it, by the united loud voice of the people, raised 
 by the trumpets of the opposition, which had long blown 
 nothing but war in the ears of the nation. This is a fact 
 known, recent, and in the memory of all men. Nor were
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 351 
 
 the late administration more averse to the commencement 
 of this war, than the present have been desirous to put an 
 end to it. Are they not known to be desirous of re-estab- 
 lishing peace? What endeavours have they omitted for this 
 end? Have they not gone every length in advancing to 
 this purpose, which is consistent with the honour of the 
 nation? nay, are not their desires of obtaining a safe and 
 honourable peace so publickly known and acknowledged, that 
 their enemies have not scrupled to represent them as for- 
 ward and willing to accept it on disadvantageous terms ? How 
 unjust then, nay how impudent is this charge ! Nor less so 
 is that of parades on the continent. It is allowed by this 
 writer to be as clear as the day, that the rupture with Spain 
 unavoidably involved us in a war with France; where then 
 is this war to be carried on ? Are we desirous rather to make 
 this Island than the Continent its theatre ? 
 
 And that this Island would be the seat of the war, if once 
 our out-works on the Continent were entirely in the possession 
 of the enemy, is demonstrable, and hath been demonstrated. 
 I could not indeed remain so long, and the reason is no less 
 obvious than shocking. Will not the very nature of the thing 
 deter us from placing an entire confidence in a defence, which 
 is subject to the disposition of the winds? Will not history 
 convince us how fatally this protection of situation and of 
 maritime strength have both been relied on ; nay, will not even 
 the annals of King William's reign shew us with how absurd 
 a vanity we boast our superiority at sea, over our present grand 
 enemy, and how capable he hath been, by a little attention 
 to his marine, to dispute the victory with us in that ele- 
 ment. 
 
 If the Continent be of so little concern to us, as some 
 unmeaning, or rather ill-meaning persons have represented 
 it, why hath so much blood been spilt, and treasure spent, 
 on it, in the days of our oldest constitution, and in the 
 reigns of our best and ablest princes? Why have possessions 
 on it been sought after, been so dearly won and maintained, 
 and lost with so much reluctance by us? If the utmost 
 extent of French conquests there be so insignificant to this
 
 352 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 nation, why hath it been thought, in all ages, so plainly our 
 interest to confine that ambitious crown within such narrow 
 bounds? Why did Charles the Second encourage and pro- 
 mote the extent of those conquests, in order to subdue his 
 own subjects, and to extirpate the liberties of England? 
 
 Lastly, If it be so little our interest to oppose these suc- 
 cesses, it as little becomes us to lament them. France hath 
 certainly obtained no other triumphs over us in this war. 
 At sea, where we are told we ought to do every thing, we 
 have done every thing; for so entirely have we debilitated 
 and ruined the navy of France, that the very ships we have 
 taken from her are more than sufficient to conquer those she 
 hath left. In this light our arms on the Continent must be 
 allowed to be useful, nay, I must say successful; since they 
 have at least engaged the whole finances of France in the 
 land service, and have diverted their attention from their 
 marine. Here then we ought to sing Te Deum, and to crown 
 our ministers with laurels; but surely those who would 
 represent us to have no concern in the affairs of the Con- 
 tinent, ought very little to lament our ill success there; nor 
 can men who truly lament our miscarriages there, very justly 
 abuse the administration, for having exerted their utmost 
 efforts to prevent them. 
 
 As to the base suppositions concerning foreign mercenaries, 
 they are inclusively answered already. If neither the enter- 
 ing into war, nor the maintaining it on the Continent, can 
 be imputed as faults to the Ministry, it will not surely be 
 objected to them, that they do this in the easiest, cheapest 
 and most effectual manner; and that they are desirous to 
 preserve both the blood and treasure of the nation. 
 
 I come now to the increase of our debts. That these are 
 increased, is a melancholy truth; but that there are any in 
 the present administration, who desire this increase, is as 
 impudent a falsehood. This is the consequence of the war; 
 of the war which the people desired, nay which they would 
 not be denied; nor can the necessary incidents of this war 
 be charged on the administration, with greater justice than 
 the unavoidable accidents of it have been. A vast part of
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 353 
 
 the debt was contracted long ago, even in the reign of the 
 beloved Queen Anne; and the new addition, though suffi- 
 ciently deplorable, is however inconsiderable in the compari- 
 son. Much the larger share of it hath indeed been contracted 
 in the cause of the Eevolution, and if so, it hath been well 
 and rightly contracted. Let it be imputed then to those on 
 whom the censure properly falls. The accursed Jacobites, 
 who have supported the machinations of Eome and France 
 against their country; Papists, who have attempted the res- 
 toration of their religion; and protestants, who have long'd 
 for they know not what ; these are the men who have obliged 
 us to buy our redemption from popery and slavery, at so 
 high a price; these are the men who invited their dearly 
 beloved Eang James to return to his loving subjects; who 
 afterwards spirited up the king of France to enter into a 
 war in favour of his son; and who have since encouraged 
 that crown, while at open rupture with us, to send over his 
 grandson to this kingdom, and to supply him with arms, 
 which we are to make use of against ourselves. Eome and 
 France, the pretender and his adherents, have impoverished 
 the nation, and have loaded it with debts and taxes. 
 
 Possibly indeed some of his staunch partizans here may 
 have acted with the views, which this writer hath ridic- 
 ulously imputed to the best friends of the present estab- 
 lishment. It is now at least, credible that while they have 
 attacked us by all the means of force, they have still had this 
 artful design in reserve ; intending if they should fail in the 
 former to play this after-game, and to gain our affections 
 by the very methods which they themselves made necessary 
 for our defence. This is indeed so base and Jesuitical, that 
 I should not easily have conceived it, had it not been asserted 
 in print; but it now plainly appears, there is at least one 
 man in the world wicked enough to suggest it. 
 
 But indeed I am apprehensive that if he hopes any success 
 from this scheme, he relies more upon our folly, than I hope 
 we shall ever warrant; for it is much easier to shew the 
 falsehood of his conclusion than it hath been to refute his 
 premises. In order to do this, let us collect the scattered
 
 354 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 argument, and reduce it to some appearance of form. Thus 
 then it stands. The nation under the present establishment 
 are burthened with taxes, and many other grievances ; by 
 
 this means they will become weary of the present r 1 
 
 family; and will fly to the House of St — rt for redress. 
 Here, must not our Jesuit allow that it is not enough to 
 prove the real existence of the grievances, in order to warrant 
 this conclusion ; nay, even if they could be brought home and 
 
 fixed on the present r 1 f y, (the contrary of which 
 
 is most certain) it doth not follow that we ought in wisdom 
 and prudence, to throw ourselves into the arms of the other; 
 for it may be, that we may find no redress of our grievances 
 by this means ; nay, we may thus incur still greater and more 
 intolerable mischief than we would avoid by this r 1 ex- 
 change : For surely no Jacobite is fool enough to think, nor 
 no Jesuit impudent enough to assert that there are no griev- 
 ances greater than our present. We must be allowed at 
 present to enjoy the greatest of all human blessings, liberty, 
 in the fullest extent, in v/hich any nation ever did, or could 
 enjoy it. Our persons, and our properties must be acknowl- 
 edged to be secure from all kind of violence; nay, we think, 
 we talk and we write whatever we please. Of the last of these 
 liberties the present apology is an instance; for had any 
 person attacked the established government with equal viru- 
 lence and impudence, in any other country, he would, in all, 
 have met with the most exemplary punishment, and in many, 
 he would have been hanged. Eara temporum felicitus cum 
 sentire quae velis, & quae sentias dicere liceat. A happiness 
 which we certainly enjoy. 
 
 And this liberty, so perfect in civil matters, is no less un- 
 controlled in religious. A truth so manifest, so impossible 
 to be contested, that it would be grossly mispending time to 
 offer a syllable in support of it. 
 
 Now both these great blessings (for such they are; tho' 
 both are often applied to a very improper use,) we may lose 
 by a change of that government, under which we enjoy them ; 
 and that we should lose both by the exchange here proposed,
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 355 
 
 is as clear and evident as the future consequences of any 
 human measures can be averred to be. 
 
 Let us look backwards to the reigns of the Stuarts. A 
 family which were twice expelled from the throne within the 
 term of about 40 years, for their open and violent attacks on 
 the liberty of this nation. If we have not leisure to read 
 over all the black annals of these four princes, who all lay 
 in wait for our liberties, as the devil is in Scripture said to 
 lay in wait for our souls; let us examine at least the reign 
 of James the II<^. where every engine that Eome could invent 
 or furnish, was employed to extirpate all our liberty and all 
 our religion. 
 
 Let us look forwards to what we may reasonably expect 
 from a 5th prince of the same family, of the same political 
 principles, and of the same religion : By birth a Stuart, by 
 education a papist; a bigot under the influence of the coun- 
 cils of Eome, and under the protection of France: For by 
 the arms of that monarch alone he can ever be established 
 here. And here is it possible to add one argument to those.^ 
 which have been already advanced, and which none of their 
 party hath ever yet attempted to answer ? And how trite and 
 tedious must the repetition of the same arguments appear, 
 to evince a self-evident truth? Who can have the patience 
 to prove that it is the nature of fire to burn? But with 
 what indignation must we argue with men, whom neither 
 reason nor experience can convince of this, and whom not 
 the flames which have almost totally consumed their an- 
 cestors, nor those which they see blazing in neighbouring na- 
 tions, can deter from desiring to apply a firebrand to their 
 own houses. Can any man in his senses doubt whether Eng- 
 lish liberty, and the protestant religion could probably, nay, 
 possibly exist under a Prince bred up in the principles of 
 popery and arbitrary power; who must be introduced here, 
 and must as certainly govern us, under the influence and pro- 
 
 ^ See the serious address published in the time of the late Rebel- 
 lion, and the dialogue between an alderman and a courtier, pub- 
 lished last summer; both by the author of this pamphlet.
 
 356 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 tection of those princes, who profess and practice that policy 
 and that religion ? If there be a person capable of this faith, 
 how dreadful a task must it be on any man in his senses to 
 argue with him ! 
 
 Without undertaking this task then, I shall aver, that if 
 the premises asserted in this apology were true, the conclusion 
 would be false; we must be infinite losers in the exchange, 
 and consequently most wretched fools to desire it. 
 
 Can any price be bid up to the value of our religion and 
 liberties? Can any advantages be offer'd to us in exchange 
 for these? Admitting they could, doth the apologist offer 
 us any such? What can he mean (if he means any thing 
 more than to deceive the multitude by words) by the restora- 
 tion of the old constitution, unless it be to restore popery and 
 slavery; the only branches of our constitution, which the 
 Eevolution and the present establishment can be said to have 
 lopped off ! I defy him and all his brother-priests to mention 
 another. 
 
 But it is tacitly insinuated, that by such means the nation 
 would be relieved from its debt. How ! not by the payment 
 of it. Foreign debts as well as foreign obligations to our 
 bitterest enemies will be imported; but not a farthing of 
 foreign coin. The national debt is to be discharged by a 
 spunge, i. e. by the ruin of one half of our people. 
 
 How desirable this event is, I leave to others, seriously to 
 consider. Common sense, I think must shew it in a very 
 shocking light to those who are to be ruined by the expedient ; 
 and common honesty, indeed common humanity, will repre- 
 sent it in no very favourable colours to the rest. But if this 
 be a desirable event, there is no reason why we should pur- 
 chase it at the price of our religion and liberty, since it may be 
 attained at a cheaper rate ; and surely this eligible and honest 
 purpose is as much in the power of one government to exe- 
 cute, as it can be in the power of any other. If we will then 
 ruin one half of our fellow subjects, let us not ruin all ; nay, 
 let us leave those who are to be thus deprived of their proper- 
 ties, all the other blessings of society, and not cruelly take
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 357 
 
 away their religion and liberties, in order to rob them of their 
 money. 
 
 As power will always have enemies, so in a free nation we 
 are always to expect clamours against us. We are not there- 
 fore to wonder that our apologist complains, of tiring out the 
 nation with debts, taxes, coercive laws, and clogs upon trade 
 and industry; we may rather be surprized that so fertile an 
 invention, employed with such wicked views, should be able to 
 find out no other popular, abusive, seditious words than these, 
 which may be reduced to two; namely, to coercive laws, and 
 to our national debt, of which all the others are the necessary 
 consequence. 
 
 By the former of these, I solemnly declare I know not what 
 is meant. I could point out many laws made since the Eevo- 
 lution, in affirmance and protection of the liberty of the sub- 
 ject, besides the declaration of rights allowed and enacted at 
 the time of that Revolution, and which did indeed renovate 
 and restore the true old constitution, from the many pollutions 
 introduced into it under the Stuarts. But I defy this wicked 
 writer to name a single coercive law enacted within this period, 
 which hath tended to enlarge the power of the crown, or in the 
 least to abridge the lawful liberty of the people. 
 
 The charge of coercive laws therefore I reject as false in 
 fact. As to our great national debt, which, together with the 
 war, is the sole cause of our taxes, and of all clogs upon trade 
 and industry, it is a truth which must be acknowledged by 
 all ; and tho' malignity only can represent this as a grievance 
 to be complained of, it is surely a calamity bitterly to be 
 lamented ; nor is it more lamented by any than by the greatest 
 of those now in power. Eeason itself will tell us this ; for it 
 is the severest and heaviest clog on their administration ; nay, 
 the apologist tells us in every page : For what is the whole 
 design of his performance, but to prove that no man can 
 desire to increase or aggravate this national misfortune, but 
 with a view to promote the Jacobitical scheme? The charge 
 then might be fairly retorted, and this grievance might be 
 fixed on the Jacobites themselves, from the words of their own
 
 358 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 writer ; and so far in fact, as hath been already said, they are 
 chargeable; that they and their prince, and the great French 
 patron of that prince, have been the occasion of laying us 
 under this heavy incumbrance. 
 
 I am sensible that I have, in this pamphlet, repeated the 
 same thing more than once, but I am arguing with men into 
 whose heads common sense must be, as it were, beaten by 
 frequent repetition. 
 
 All the miseries which this nation feels, or which she hath 
 to fear, are indeed, as the apologist contends, strictly charge- 
 able on that cursed faction, which hath taken every oppor- 
 tunity to weaken the hands of the government at home, and 
 the reputation of it abroad ; which, from the time of the ex- 
 pulsion of their popish idol, even to this day, a period of near 
 sixty years, have never rested from attempting the restoration 
 of him and his family. During this whole period, the gov- 
 ernment hath been constantly attacked, by the grossest, falsest, 
 and most malicious calumnies, by the most groundless mur- 
 murs, by secret and assassinating plots, by bold and open re- 
 bellions, and by solicitations of all the assistance which the 
 cabals of Eome, our ancient tyrant, and of France, our natural 
 enemy, could afford them. A just opposition to these wicked 
 measures hath, of necessity, increased our taxes, and I will 
 boldly add, hath increased corruption; if to bribe the people 
 to preserve themselves may, with candour, be so called. 
 
 These are the only evils under which the nation groans, and 
 these are most clearly to be imputed to the Jacobites. To 
 charge them on the government, is as monstrous an injustice, 
 as it would be to charge the mischiefs brought on our body by 
 certain remedies (which however dangerous, are, in some in- 
 veterate cases, allowed to be the only effectual ones,) to the 
 physician, and not to the disease. 
 
 And now to speak aloud, should there ever eome a time 
 when a wicked administration should, in reality, pursue very 
 pernicious measures, the Jacobites would give those measures 
 the fairest chance of success : For while our constitution 
 is in such apparent danger from tbis party, wise and good 
 men would rather gip^e up a great deal, than hazard the whole,
 
 A LATE i^CURRlLOU^ LIBEL 359 
 
 by joining in an opposition with men, wliose avowed intention 
 it is to give up the whole. It is indeed most certain, that no 
 grievances can be brought upon us by any administration 
 under the present establishment, which may reasonably recon- 
 cile us to the exchange proposed in the Apology ; since it must 
 be an axiom with all protestants, that a protestant tyrant is 
 preferable to a popish one, as it would be better to retain a 
 religious liberty than none at all. 
 
 But, in God's name, can any such pernicious measures be 
 imputed to the present administration? Is there a man dis- 
 honest enough, or indeed impudent enough to assert, or even 
 insinuate, that one single act of power, unsupported by law, 
 can be charged upon, or on their royal master ? 
 
 Lastly, can the nation complain of any one evil, except these 
 before-mentioned, and fairly and unanswerably accounted for ? 
 In all free countries there will be struggles for power among 
 the great; nor will these struggles be always conducted with 
 the strictest regard to moral rectitude. One instance of this 
 deviation is the deceit constantly imposed on the people, by 
 those who oppose, (that is who aim at obtaining) power; for 
 such constantly endeavour to annex the colour of publick in- 
 terest to their own; but in reality the people are less inter- 
 ested in this contest, than the tenants of a manor commonly 
 are in competitions for the stewardship ; and are certain to be 
 made only tools and bubbles of, when they enter with any zeal 
 into the contention. In England we have never been without 
 these struggles, and from them must have been duly derived 
 all those clamours which posterity have seen to be groundless ; 
 and hence only, together with the destructive schemes of 
 popish priests, the most artful of men, and of protestant 
 Jacobites, the silliest of animals, have arisen all the base, and 
 false, and wicked aspersions, so industriously propagated 
 against the honestest ministry with which any nation hath 
 been blessed. 
 
 As to the gentleman whose name stands foremost, and who 
 is maliciously hinted at by this apologist to have succeeded to 
 Sir Kobert Walpole's influence, hath even the apologist the 
 confidence to lay the least black imputation upon him? His
 
 360 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 virtues are too well known, too glaring, to encourage such an 
 attempt; and this the silence of his worst enemies on that 
 head have declared. He hath indeed a mind which no diffi- 
 culties can conquer, nor any power corrupt. 
 
 And why that not more invidious than false reflection on 
 his parts? Was it from his want of parts that the Apologist 
 tells us Sir Robert Walpole foresaw he was likely to succeed 
 him? Was it owing to such want that he did so far succeed 
 him, as to take the lead in the subsequent administration, and 
 to be regarded, submitted to, nay insisted on, as the most equal 
 to this lead, by the heads of so many clashing and contending 
 
 parties ? Do his speeches in the H of C betray this 
 
 want of parts? Or lastly, hath he shewn this by his great 
 support of the national credit, at a time when it was so 
 severely attacked, so desperately despaired of, and so wonder- 
 fully preserved, by the abilities of this gentleman, and by the 
 reliance which the more sensible part of mankind had on these 
 abilities, joined with the highest integrity? — But I will re- 
 strain my own inclinations from pursuing so amiable a subject 
 farther, and shall quit this truly great man, with an assertion 
 which I have heard from one of the wisest and greatest of his 
 intimates, that he envied him on every account except for his 
 power. 
 
 And here I would likewise have quitted this apologist had he 
 confined himself to the abuse of civil power; but the follow- 
 ing paragraph, which falls on the whole body of the English 
 clergy, certainly deserves some observation. 
 
 " A man says the Apologist, may be a staunch patriot, with- 
 out thinking better of our spiritual guides, than they deserve. 
 How have they merited the attention or approbation of men 
 of sense and candour? Churchmen, before my time, may 
 have had some title to the esteem of the people; but since I 
 had any knowledge of men, the clergy have brought the C — h 
 itself into C - - - t." 
 
 Here the Jesuit speaks out, and I hope all the clergy of the 
 Church of England will hear him. Before my time, says he, 
 churchmen may have had some title to the esteem of the peo- 
 ple. What is meant by this, or to what time must he be under-
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 361 
 
 stood to refer? Individuals may, perhaps, have deserved 
 more censure in some ages than they have deserved in others ; 
 but I know no reflection which can be justly cast on the whole 
 body within these last forty years. The clergy therefore, who 
 may have had some title to the esteem of the people, were the 
 popish clergy; by re-establishing those therefore, the church 
 is to be rescued from that contempt which the Eeformation 
 hath laid it under. This, I think, is a fresh intimation of 
 what the Church of England may expect from the success of 
 these Jacobitical schemes, to which, I am afraid, some of the 
 reformed clergy have formerly given too great assistance. Of 
 such folly, I gladly acknowledge, very few have lately been 
 guilty; and this may indeed account for that intemperate 
 resentment against them, which hath alone escaped a little un- 
 timely from the pen of their enemies, and which nothing but 
 the highest rancour could have led our Apologist out of his 
 way to introduce. But perhaps I injure him by saying he is 
 led out of his way, since we may so well connect his arguments 
 against the church, with those which he hath urged against 
 the state, and indeed with his general purpose; for could he 
 reconcile us to popery, the great work of Jacobitism might, for 
 the future, be carried on without fallacy or imposition, and 
 men might be made Jacobites, without being first bereft of 
 their understandings. Beside what can be more analogous 
 than the arguments here advanced against our religion, to 
 those which have been before urged against our government : 
 For do not the faults of the clergy afford as good and cogent 
 reason for abandoning the protestant religion in favour of 
 popery, as the faults of an administration under the present 
 establishment can possibly suggest for overturning that estab- 
 lishment in favour of the pretender. 
 
 The impudence and malice of tliis attack on their whole 
 body, who are here represented in a worse light than any of 
 their libertine enemies have ever dared to represent them in, 
 will, I hope, open the eyes of all ; and if any members of the 
 church should yet remain weak enough to favour, even in their 
 most fervent wishes, the cursed designs of this party, they will 
 now, I hope, be awakened to see, to detest, and to resent this
 
 362 A PROPER ANSWER TO 
 
 injurious treatment of their now open and unmasked enemies. 
 However, they may be held by those, who in all their writ- 
 ings ^ and discourses treat them as the sacrilegious usurpers of 
 their right and patrimony, they will, I hope, never justify the 
 character given them above, nor bring themselves into con- 
 tempt, and their church to destruction, by espousing the cause 
 of their most inveterate enemies. On the contrary, I hope the 
 pulpit will henceforth resound with the praises of that govern- 
 ment under which their religious as well as civil liberty is 
 secured, and the Church of England flourishes in all its just 
 and legal privileges. 
 
 Indeed, it is no less the interest of the clergy of the Church 
 of England, than of the religion they profess, to maintain and 
 defend the present royal establishment in these kingdoms. If 
 they are wise, they must be themselves convinced, and if they 
 are honest, they will endeavour to convince others, that a 
 protestant church can be only safe under the protection of a 
 protestant king, and that the introduction of a popish prince 
 must certainly be attended with an introduction of the popish 
 religion, 
 
 I have now done with this author, and I hope, have suffi- 
 ciently exposed both him and his wicked performance to the 
 contempt, or rather the detestation and abhorrence of every 
 man, who hath any regard for the liberty and religion now 
 established in this country; and which are as securely estab- 
 lished under the protection of the present royal family as the 
 wit of man, or the force of policy can establish them. The 
 principles of liberty and the protestant religion, placed the 
 crown upon the present royal head that wears it ; these prin- 
 ciples alone have hitherto maintained, and still must maintain 
 it there. If that old political maxim, that the interest of the 
 King and people are the same, was ever true, it must hold so 
 in this instance. If our King or his posterity will preserve 
 their crovoi, they must preserve our religion and freedom ; if 
 we will secure to ourselves the possession of these blessings, 
 we must secure to our King and his posterity the possession of 
 
 ^ This is the term given to the Church of England by almost every 
 Popish Writer.
 
 A LATE SCURRILOUS LIBEL 363. 
 
 the crown. I think, without presuming to violate the sacred 
 person of his present majesty with panegyric, I may say, these 
 blessings are now entire in our enjoyment ; I may say farther, 
 that we can as yet foresee no time when any prince of this 
 august House would wdsh to deprive us of them ; but if such, 
 in remote times should arise, I will say, he must act contrary 
 to his own interest as well as ours. He cannot weaken our 
 religious and civil rights, without in the same degree weaken- 
 ing himself. If he denies our right to liberty, he must deny 
 his right to the crown; and who among us will be ready to 
 defend the latter, when he is deprived of the former? The 
 throne is established in the present royal family in righteous- 
 ness, and righteousness alone can preserve it there. 
 
 On the contrary, as the principles of popery and slavery 
 only can impose a popish pretender on us, so none but those 
 principles can preserve him here. If popery and slavery were 
 not so firmly united in their natures as they are, I believe it 
 will readily be granted, that the former cannot be introduced 
 here till it is preceded by the latter. As it is certain therefore 
 that a popish prince will endeavour to make us papists, it is as 
 certain he would first endeavour to make us slaves. Nay, this 
 would be politically his interest, even if religion was out of the 
 case. For Henry the Seventh, who was introduced here by 
 the nobility, did all he could to weaken their power, well 
 knowing their fickleness, and fearing lest they should expel 
 him again : How much more justly may this person suspect, 
 that a nation whom no government can content, no security 
 can satisfy, would act by him as they had before done by 
 others ? How wise, and even how necessary must it be to gov- 
 ern those with a rod of iron, with whom every other method 
 had been found ineffectual? And what should restrain him 
 from the exercise of this rod? The friends of freedom are 
 not his friends, neither can they justly tell him, that he owes 
 his crown to their principles. The liberty so stoutly contended 
 for, and so strongly fortified by the Eevolution, is by his 
 restoration abolished and superseded; and our old constitu- 
 tion, that is, the constitution as it existed under, and was left 
 by James the Second, restored. He would not even have any
 
 364 A PROPER ANSWER, dC. 
 
 restraint on his conscience, but would be in the same seat of 
 his ancestors, with the same rights, the same reigns, and the 
 same rod of iron in his hands, which they themselves so 
 heartily exercised upon us. 
 
 But God forbid we should ever put this in the hands of 
 any one ; if our own folly renders us unworthy of the protec- 
 tion of Providence, may we be prevented from entailing such 
 curses on our innocent posterity.
 
 OR, 
 
 THE PERJURED LOVER: 1733 
 
 EPILOGUE WRITTEN BY HENRY FIELDING, ESQ., AND 
 SPOKEN BY MISS RAFTOR 
 
 Lud! what a fuss is here! what blood and slaughter! 
 
 Because poor miss has prov'd her mother's daughter. 
 
 This unknown bard is some insipid beast, 
 
 From Cornwall, or Northumberland at least; 
 
 Where if a virgin chance to step aside, 
 
 And taste forbidden sweetmeats of a bride, 
 
 The virtuous ladies, like infection, fly her, 
 
 And not one marrying booby will come nigh her; 
 
 But here, 'mongst us so famous for good-nature, 
 
 Who thinks a cuckold quite a fellow-creature ; 
 
 Where miss may take great liberties upon her. 
 
 And have her man, and yet may keep her honour : 
 
 Here does the wretch his stupid muse invoke. 
 
 And turn to solemn tragedy a joke ! 
 
 Had some town-bard this subject undertaken. 
 He wou'd have match'd, not kill'd, the nymph forsaken. 
 Wronglove, as now, had the first favour carried. 
 And Bellamy been, what he is fit for, married. 
 What else are all your comic heroes fam'd for. 
 Than such exploits as Wronglove has been blam'd for? 
 The girl was in the fault, who strove to smother 
 That case she shou'd have open'd to her mother ; 
 
 365
 
 366 C^LIA 
 
 All had been hush'd by the old lady's skill, 
 And Caelia prov'd a good town-virgin still ; 
 For as each man is brave, till put to rout, 
 So is each woman virtuous, till found out : 
 Which, ladies, here I make my hearty prayer, 
 May never be the case of any fair. 
 Who takes unhappy CaBlia to her care. 
 
 End of Vol. II 
 
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