THE BAB BALLADS ro. MACMILLAN AND CO., Limitko LONDON • BOMBAY • CALCUTTA • MADRAS MELBOURNE THE MACMILLAN COMPANY NEW YORK • BOSTON • CHICAGO DALLAS • SAN FRANCISCO THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA, Ltd. TORONTO The Bab Ballads WITH WHICH ARE INCLUDED SONGS OF A SAVOYARD BY W. S. GILBERT WITH 350 ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR MACMILLAN AND CO., LIMLFED ST. MARTIN'S STREET, LONDON 1920 A,-^ '^-if.%. COPYRIGHT Transfers ed to Macndllaii and Co. Ltn. 1Q04 Sixth Editioti 1904 Rep? in/cd igoS, 1908, 1910. 1912, 1914. 1917 1919. 1920 ON<^l r., t < t /\y AUTHOR'S NOTE About thirty years since, several of " The Bab Ballads " (most of which had appeared, from time to time, in the pages of Fun) were collected by me, and published by Messrs. George Routledge and Sons. This volume passed through several editions, and, in due course,, was followed by a second series under the title of " More Bab Ballads," which achieved a popularity equal to that of its pre- decessor. Subsequently, excerpts were made from these two volumes, and, under the title of "Fifty Bab Ballads," had a very considerable sale ; but I soon discovered that in making the selection for this volume I had discarded certain Ballads that were greater favourites with my readers than with me. Nevertheless this issue was followed by many editions, English and American, of "Bab Ballads," "More Bab Ballads," and "Fifty Bab Ballads," to the no little bewilderment of such of the public as had been good enough to concern themselves with my verses. So it became desirable (for our own private ends) that this confusion should be definitely cleared up ; and thus it came to pass that a reissue of the two earlier collections, in one volume, was decided upon. V Author's Note Some seven years since, I collected the most popular of the songs and ballads which I had written for the series of light operas with which my name is associated, and published them under the title of " Songs of a Savoyard." It recently occurred to me that these songs had so nmch in common with "The Bab Ballads" that it might be advisable to weld the two books into one. This is, briefly, the history of the present volume. I have always felt that many of the original illustrations to "The Bab Ballads" erred gravely in the direction of unnecessary extravagance. This defect I have endeavoured to correct through the medium of the two hundred new drawings which I have designed for this volume. I am afraid I cannot claim for them any other recommendation. W. S. GILBERT. Grim's Dvkk, Harrow Weald, 4/// December 1S97. VI CONTENTS Captain Reece .... The Darned Mounseer . The Rival Curates The Englishman .... Only a Dancing Girl The Disagreeable Man . General John ..... The Coming By-and-By . To A Little Maid .... The Highly Respectable Gondolier John and Freddy .... The Fairy Queen's Song Sir Guy the Crusader . Is Life a Boon ? . . . . Haunted ...... The Modern Major-General . The Bishop and the 'Busman The Heavy Dragoon The Troubadour Proper Pride . Ferdinando and Elvira The Policeman's Lot Lorenzo de Lardy . The Baffled Grumbler or, tpie Gentle Pieman PAGE I 6 8 13 14 16 18 22 24 26 28 32 34 38 39 42 44 49 51 56 58 63 64 69 VL\ Contents Disillusioned . The House of Peers Babette's Love A Merry Madrigal To my Bride . The Duke and the Duchess The Folly of Brown Eheu Fugaces — ! Sir Macklin They'll None of 'em be Missed The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell" Girl Graduates . ' . The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Braid the Raven Hair . The Precocious Baby The Working Monarch . To Phcebe The Ape and the Lady . Baines Carew, Gentleman Only Roses Thomas Winterbottom Hance The Rover's Apology A Discontented Sugar Broki An Appeal The Pantomime "Super" to i The Reward of Merit . The Ghost, the Gallant, thi The Magnet and the Churn King Borria Bun(;alke Boo The Family Fool The Periwinkle Girl Sans Souci Thomson Green and IIakriei A Recipe . ns Mask . Gael, and th 1 1 ALE E Goblin VIll Contents Bob Polter ..... The Merryman and his Maid Ellen M 'Jones Aberdeen The Susceptible Chancellor Peter the Wag . ... When a Merry Maiden Marries . The Three Kings of Chickeraboo The British Tar .... Gentle Alice Brown A Man who would Woo a Fair Maid The Sorcerer's Song The Bumboat Woman's Story The Fickle Breeze .... The Two Ogres .... The First Lord's Song . Little Oliver . Mister William .... Would you Know ? . , . Pasha Bailey Ben .... Lieutenant-Colonel Flare Speculation ..... Ah Me ! Lost Mr. Blake .... The Duke of Plaza-Toro The Baby's Vengeance . ... The ^Esthete ..... The Captain and the Mermaids . Said I to Myself, Said I Annie Protheroe .... Sorry her Lot .... An Unfortunate Likeness The Contemplative Sentry . Gregory Parable, LL.D. The Philosophic Pill PAGE 176 182 185 191 198 200 204 205 209 211 214 219 221 227 229 240 242 248 255 256 262 265 271 273 278 280 286 287 292 294 299 IX Contents HIS Uniform o TnK King of Canoodi.ic-dum Bluf. Blood First Love The Judge's Song Brave Alum Bey When I First put t Sir Barxaey Bampton Boo Solatium .... The Modest Couple A Nightmare . The Martinet . Don't Forget ! The Sailor Boy to his Lass The Suicide's Grave The Reverend Simon Magus He and She Damon v. Pythias The Mighty Must My Dream A Mirage The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Again The Ghosts' High Noon A Worm will Turn The Humane Mikado The flAUGHTY Actor Willow Waly ! The Two Majors Life is Lovely all the Year Emily, John, James, and I The Usher's Charge The Perils of Invisibility The Great Oak Tree Old Paul and Old Tim . King Goodiieart Contents The Mystic Selvagee Sleep on ! The CuNxNmng Woman The Love-sick Boy . Phrenology Poetry Everywhere The Fairy Curate . He Loves ! The Way of W'ooing True Diffidence HONGREE AND MaHRY • The Tangled Skein The Reverend Micah Sowls My Lady . One against the W^orld The Force of Argument Put a Penny in the Slot Good Little Girls . The Phantom Curate Life ..... Limited Liability . The Sensation Captain . Anglicised Utopia . An English Girl Tempora Mutantur A Manager's Perplexities Out of Sorts . At a Pantomime How it's Done A Classical Revival The Story of Prince Agib The Practical Joker The National Anthem . Joe Golightly ; or, the First. Lord's Daughter TAGE 426 433 439 440 445 446 453 454 458 460 466 467 471 473 475 480 482 484 487 490 492 497 499 501 504 506 508 512 515 S18 523 526 528 XI Contents IIkr Terms Thk Independent Bee To the '1'krrestkial Globe Etiquette The Disconcerted Tenor Ben Allah Achmet ; or, the Fatal Tum The Played-out Humorist PAGE 534 536 539 541 547 549 553 Index to First Lines Alphabetical Index to Titles 555 561 Xll THE BAB BALLADS CAPTAIN REECE Of all the ships upon the blue No ship contained a better crew Than that of worthy Captain Reece, Commanding of The Mantelpiece. He was adored by all his men, For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew. Captain Reece If ever they were dull or sad, Their captain danced to them like mad, Or told, to make the time pass by. Droll legends of his infancy. A feather bed had every man, Warm slippers and hot-water can. Brown Windsor from the captain's store, A valet, too, to every four. Did they with thirst in summer burn ? Lo, seltzogenes at every turn, And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays. Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the " tops " ; And, also, with amusement rife, A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." Captain Reece New volumes came across the sea From Mister Mudie's libraree ; llze Times and Saturday Reviezv Beguiled the leisure of the crew. Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., Was quite devoted to his men ; In point of fact, good Captain Reece Beatified The Mantelpiece. One summer eve, at half-past ten, He said (addressing all his men) : "Come, tell me, please, what I can do To please and gratify my crew ? " By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy, if I can ; My own convenience count as nil; It is my duty, and I will." Then up and answered William Lee (The kindly captain's coxswain he, A nervous, shy, low-spoken man). He cleared his throat and thus began : "You have a daughter, Captain Reece, Ten female cousins and a niece, A ma, if what I'm told is true. Six sisters, and an aunt or two. " Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, More friendly-like we all should be If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew. Captain Reece " If you'd ameliorate our life, Let each select from them a wife ; And as for nervous me, old pal, Give me your own enchanting gal ! Good Captain Reece, that worthy man. Debated on his coxswain's plan : "1 quite agree," he said, "O Bill; It is my duty, and I will. " My daughter, that enchanting gurl. Has just been promised to an earl. And all my other familee. To peers of various degree. " But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew ? The word I gave you I'll fulfil ; It is my duty, and I will. " As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all. And I shall be, despite my hoard. The only bachelor on board." The boatswain of The Mantelpiece^ He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece. "I beg your honour's leave," he said, " If you would wish to go and wed, " I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you — She long has loved you from afar, She washes for you, Captain R." 4 Captain Reece The captain saw the dame that day- Addressed her in his playful way — • "And did it want a wedding ring? It was a tempting ickle sing ! "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, We'll all be married this day week — At yonder church upon the hill ; It is my duty, and I will ! " The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece. And widowed ma of Captain Reece, Attended there as they were bid ; It was their duty, and they did. THE DARNED MOUNSEEK I SHIPPED, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, And, off Cape Finisteere, A merchantman we see, A Frenchman, going free, So we made for the bold Mounseer, D'ye see? We made for the bold Mounseer ! But she proved to be a Frigate — and she up with her ports, And fires with a thirty-two ! It come uncommon near, But we answered with a cheer, Which paralysed the Parley-voo, D'ye see ? Which paralysed the Parley-voo ! 6 The Darned Mounseer Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, " That chap we need not fear, — We can take her, if we hke. She is sartin for to strike, For she's only a darned Mounseer, D'ye see ? She's only a darned Mounseer ! But to fight a French fal-lal — it's like hittin' of a gal — It's a lubberly thing for to do ; For we, with all our faults. Why, we're sturdy British salts, While she's but a Parley-voo, D'ye see ? A miserable Parley-voo ! " So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze. As we gives a compassionating cheer ; Froggee answers with a shout As he sees us go about. Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, D'ye see ? Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer ! And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek (Which is what them furriners do). And they blessed their lucky stars We were hardy British tars Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, D'ye see ? Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo ! THE RIVAL CURATES List while the poet trolls Of Mr. Clayton Hooper, Who had a cure of souls At Spiffton-extra-Sooper. He lived on curds and whey, And daily sang their praises, And then he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies. Wild croquet Hooper banned, And all the sports of Mammon, He warred with cribbage, and He exorcised backgammon. His helmet was a glance That spoke of holy gladness ; A saintly smile his lance, His shield a tear of sadness, 8 The Rival Curates His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled ; With pardonable glee He blessed himself and chuckled " In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is, In all the country round There's none so mild as mine is i " And Hooper, disinclined His trumpet to be blowing, Yet didn't think you'd find A milder curate going. A friend arrived one day At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, And in this shameful way He spoke to Mr. Hooper : "You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken, That none can blot your fame — But, Hooper, you're mistaken ! " Your mind is not as blank As that of HoPLEY Porter, Who holds a curate's rank At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. " He plays the airy flute, And looks depressed and blighted, Doves round about him 'toot,' And lambkins dance delighted. The Rival Curates ''^ He labours more than you At worsted work, and frames it ; In old maids' albums, too, Sticks seaweed — yes, and names it ! The tempter said his say, Which pierced him like a needle — He summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle. These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions : On Sundays they were good — On week-days they were minionSc " To HoPLEY Porter go, Your fare I will afford you — Deal him a deadly blow. And blessings shall reward you. lo The Rival Curates " But stay — I do not like Undue assassination, And so, before you strike, Make this communication •^% " I'll give him this one chance — If he'll more gaily bear him, Play croquet, smoke, and dance, I wilUngly will spare him." They went, those minions true, To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, And told their errand to The Reverend Hopley Porter. " What ? " said that reverend gent, " Dance through my hours of leisure ? Smoke ? — bathe myself with scent ? — Play croquet ? Oh, with pleasure ! 1 1 The Rival Curates "Wear all my hair in curl? Stand at my door, and wink — so- At every passing girl ? My brothers, I should think so ! " For years I've longed for some Excuse for this revulsion : Now that excuse has come — I do it on compulsion ! ! ! " He smoked and winked away — This Reverend Hopley Porter- The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. And Hooper holds his ground, In mildness daily growing — They think him, all around, The mildest curate going, 12 \\\^\^1 '/'//// ^^^l/% THE ENGLISHMAN He is an Englishman ! For he himself has said it, And it's greatly to his credit, That he is an Englishman ! For he might have been a Roosian, A French, or Turk, or Proosian, Or perhaps Itali-an ! But in spite of all temptations, To belong to other nations. He remains an Englishman ! Hurrah ! For the true-born Englishman ! 13 ONLY A DAXCING GIRL Only a dancing girl, With an unromantic style, With borrowed colour and curl, With fixed mechanical smile, With many a hackneyed wile. With ungrammatical lips, And corns that mar her trips ! Hung from the " flies " in air, She acts a palpable lie ; She's as little a fairy there As unpoetical 1 1 I hear you asking, Why — Why in the world I sing This tawdry, tinselled thing? 14 Only a Dancing Girl No airy fairy she. As she hangs in arsenic green, From a highly impossible tree, In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over clean). For fays don't suffer, Fm told, From bunions, coughs, or cold. And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see. Pronounce the " dancing thing " No better than she should be. With her skirt at her shameful knee And her painted, tainted phiz : Ah, matron, which of us is ? /And, in sooth, it oft occurs ^ while these matrons sigh. Their dresses are lower than hers, And sometimes half as high ; And their hair is hair they buy. And they use their glasses, too. In a way she'd blush to do.) But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown. And see her upon the scene Of her home, when coaxing down Her drunken father's frown, In his squalid cheerless den : She's a fairy truly, then ! ^5 THE DISAG^^ ,,; :N If you give me your attenu yor. vvhat I am : I'm a genuine philanthropist ivinds are sham. Each Uttle fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes, And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ; I love my fellow-creatures — I do all the good I can — Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ! To compliments inflated I've a withering reply, And vanity I always do my best to mortify ; A charitable action I can skilfully dissect ; And interested motives I'm delighted to detect. I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns ^ But to benefit humanity, however much I plan. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ! i6 The Disagreeable Man I'm sure I'm no ascetic ; I'm as pleasant as can be ; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer; To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute — and I do — But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ! ij GENERAL JOHN The bravest names for fire and flames And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first. General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons ; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John's. A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show ; " Pish ! " was a favourite word of his, And he often said " Ho ! ho ! " General John Full-Private James described might be» As a man of a mournful mind ; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind. From the ranks, one day, cried Private James, " Oh ! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful mind upon. " A glimmering thought occurs to me (Its source I can't unearth), But Fve a kind of a notion we Were cruelly changed at birth. " I've a strange idea that each other's names We've each of us here got on. Such things have been," said Private James. " They have ! " sneered General John. 19 General John " My General John, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so " " Pish ! " proudly sneered his General John, And he also said " Ho ! ho ! " " My General John ! my General John ! My General John ! " quoth he, " This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see ! " No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names, Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James ! " Said General John, " Upon your claims No need your breath to waste ; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste. 20 General John " But, being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, ril venture to say you're right." So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon ; And Private James, by change of names. Was Major-General John. 21 THE COMING BY-AND-BY Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; As Time, grown weary of lier heart-drawn sighs, Impatiently begins to " dim her eyes " ! — Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings. To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well- saved "comb- ings " — Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey. To "make up " for lost time, as best she may ! Silvered is the raven hair. Spreading is the parting straight. Mottled the complexion fair. Halting is the youthful gait, 22 The Coming By-and-by Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye, Little will be left of me. In the coming by-and-by ! Fading is the taper waist — Shapeless grows the shapely limb. And although securely laced, Spreading is the figure trim ! Stouter than I used to be. Still more corpulent grow I — There will be too much of me In the coming by-and-by ! 23 TO A LITTLE MAID BY A POLICEMAN Come with me, little maid ! Nay, shrink not, thus afraid — I'll harm thee not ! Fly not, my love, from me — I have a home for thee — A fairy grot. Where mortal eye Can rarely pry. There shall thy dwelling be ! List to me, while I tell The pleasures of that cell, Oh, little maid ! What though its couch be rude- Homely the only food Within its shade? No thought of care Can enter there, No vulgar swain intrude ! 24 To a Little Maid Come with me, little maid, Come to the rocky shade I love to sing ; Live with us, maiden rare — ■ Come, for we " want " thee there, Thou elfin thing, To work thy spell, In some cool cell In stately Pentonville ! 25 THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER I STOLE the Prince, and I brought him here, And left him, gaily prattling With a highly respectable Gondolier, Who promised the Royal babe to rear, And teach him the trade of a timoneer With his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout. And, considering all things, clever. Of that there is no manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt — No possible doubt whatever. Time sped, and when at the end of a year I sought that infant cherished. That highly respectable Gondolier 26 The Highly Respectable Gondolier Was lying a corpse on his humble bier — I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear — That Gondolier had perished ! A taste for drink, combined with gout, Had doubled him up for ever. Of that there is no manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt- No possible doubt whatever. But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, To his terrible taste for tippling, That highly respectable Gondolier Could never declare with a mind sincere Which of the two was his offspring dear. And which the Royal stripling ! Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour. Of that there is no manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt — No possible doubt whatever. The children followed his old career — (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable Gondolier : Well, one of the two (who will soon be her^) — But which of the two is not quite clear — Is the Royal Prince you married ! Search in and out and round about And you'll discover never A tale so free from every doubt — All probable, possible shadow of doubt- All possible doubt whatever ! 27 ^ J^otf* JOHN AND FREDDY John courted lovely Mary Ann, So likewise did his brother, Freddy. Fred was a very soft young man, While John, though quick, was most unsteady^ Fred w^as a graceful kind of youth. But John was very much the strongest. "Oh, dance away," said she, "in truth, I'll marry him who dances longest," John tries the maiden's taste to strike With gay, grotesque, outrageous dresses, And dances comically, like Clodoche and Co., at the Princess's. But Freddy tries another style, He knows some graceful steps and does 'em — ■ A breathing Poem — Woman's smile — A man all poesy and buzzem. 28 John and Freddy Now Freddy's operatic /c?^ — Now Johnny's hornpipe seems entrapping Now Freddy's graceful entrechats — Now Johnny's skilful "cellar-flapping." For many hours — for many days — For many weeks performed each brother, For each was active in his ways, And neither would give in to t'other. After a month of this, they say (The maid was getting bored and moody) A wandering curate passed that way And talked a lot of goody-goody. "Oh my," said he, with solemn frown, "I tremble for each dancing yrrz/^r, Like unregenerated clown And harlequin at some the-ayter." 29 John and Freddy- He showed that men, in dancing, do Both impiously and absurdly, And proved his proposition true. With Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly. For months both John and Freddy danced; The curate's protests little heeding ; For months the curate's words enhanced The sinfulness of their proceeding f^QjLr At length they bowed to Nature's rule — • Their steps grew feeble and unsteady. Till Freddy fainted on a stool, And Johnny on the top of Freddy. " Decide ! " quoth they, " let him be named, Who henceforth as his wife may rank you." "Fve changed my views," the maiden said, " I only marry curates, thank you ! " 30 John and Freddy Says Freddy, " Here is goings on ! To bust myself with rage I'm ready. " I'll be a curate ! " whispers John — "And I," exclaimed poetic Freddy. But while they read for it, these chaps, The curate booked the maiden bonny- And when she's buried him, perhaps, She'll marry Frederick or Johnny. 3E <^-^ ^^ THE FAIRY QUEEN'S SONG Oh, foolish fay, Think you because Man's brave array My bosom thaws I'd disobey Our fairy laws ? Because I fly In realms above, In tendency To fall in love Resemble I The amorous dove ? Oh, amorous dove ! Type of Ovidius Naso ! This heart of mine Is soft as thine, Although I dare not say so 32 The Fairy Queen's Song On fire that glows ^^^ith heat intense I turn the hose Of Common Sense, And out it goes At small expense ! We must maintain Our fairy law; That is the main On which to draw — Tn that we gain A Captain Shaw^ Oh, Captain Shaw ! Type of true love kept under ! Could thy Brigade With cold cascade Quench my great love, I wonder ! 33 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, A muscular knisrht, Ever ready to fight, A very determined invader, And Dickey de Lion's delight. Lenore was a Saracen maiden, Brunette, statuesque, The reverse of grotesque, Her pa was a bagman from Aden, Her mother she played in burlesque. A coryphee^ pretty and loyal. In amber and red The ballet she led ; Her mother performed at the Royal, Lenore at the Saracen's Head 34 Sir Guy the Crusader Of face and of figure majestic, She dazzled the cits — Ecstaticised pits ; — Her troubles were only domestic, But drove her half out of her wits. Her father incessantly lashed her, On water and bread She was grudgingly fed ; Whenever her father he thrashed her Her mother sat down on her head. Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, For beauty so bright Sent him mad with delight ; He purchased a stall for the season, And sat in it every night. 35 Sir Guy the Crusader His views were exceedingly proper, He wanted to wed, So he called at her shed And saw her progenitor whop her — Her mother sit down on her head. V ,y r " So pretty," said he, " and so trusting ! You brute of a dad, You unprincipled cad. Your conduct is really disgusting. Come, come, now admit it's too bad ! "You're a turbancd old Turk, and malignant- Your daughter Lenore I intensely adore. And I cannot help feeling indignant, A fact that I hinted before ; 36 Sir Guy the Crusader "To see a fond father employing A deuce of a knout For to bang her about, To a sensitive lover's annoying." Said the bagman, " Crusader, get out." Says Guy, " Shall a warrior laden With a big spiky knob, Sit in peace on his cob While a beautiful Saracen maiden Is whipped by a Saracen snob ? "To London I'll go from my charmer." Which he did, with his loot (Seven hats and a flute). And was nabbed for his Sydenham armour At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit. Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, Her pa, in a rage, Died (don't know his age). His daughter, she married the prompter. Grew bulky and quitted the stage. 37 IS LIFE A BOON Is life a boon ? If so, it must befall That Death, whene'er he call, Must call too soon. Though fourscore years he give, Yet one would pray to live Another moon ! V/hat kind of plaint have 1, Who perish in July? I might have had to die Perchance in June ! Is life a thorn ? Then count it not a whit 1 Man is well done with it ; Soon as he's born He should all means essay To put the plague away ; And I, war-worn, Poor captured fugitive, My life most gladly give — I might have had to live Another morn ! 3S HAUNTED Haunted ? Ay, in a social way, By a body of ghosts in a dread array: But no conventional spectres they — Appalling, grim, and tricky : I quail at mine as I'd never quail At a fine traditional spectre pale, With a turnip head and a ghostly wail. And a splash of blood on the dicky ! Mine are horrible social ghosts. Speeches and women and guests and hosts. Weddings and morning calls and toasts. In every bad variety : Ghosts that hover about the grave Of all that's manly, free, and brave : You'll find their names on the architrave Of that charnel-house, Society. 39 Haunted Black Monday — black as its schoolroom ink- With its dismal boys that snivel and think Of nauseous messes to eat and drink, And a frozen tank to wash in. That was the first that brought me grief And made me weep, till I sought relief In an emblematical handkerchief, To choke such baby bosh in. First and worst in the grim array — Ghosts of ghosts that have gone their way, Which I wouldn't revive for a single day For all the wealth of Plutus — Are the horrible ghosts that schooldays scared If the classical ghost that Brutus dared Was the ghost of his " C?esar " unprepared, I'm sure I pity Brutus. I pass to critical seventeen : The ghost of that terrible wedding scene. When an elderly colonel stole my queen, And woke my dream of heaven : No school-girl decked in her nursery curls Was my gushing innocent queen of pearls ; If she wasn't a girl of a thousand girls, She was one of forty-seven ! I see the ghost of my first cigar — Of the thence-arising family jar — • Of my maiden brief (I was at the bar), When I called the judge "Your wushup " ! Of reckless days and reckless nights. With wrenched-off knockers, extinguished lights, Unholy songs, and tipsy fights, Which I strove in vain to hush up. 40 Haunted Ghosts of fraudulent joint-stock banks, Ghosts of copy, "declined with thanks," Of novels returned in endless ranks, And thousands more, I suffer. The only line to fitly grace My humble tomb, when I've run my race, Is " Reader, this is the resting-place Of an unsuccessful duffer." I've fought them all, these ghosts of mine. But the weapons I've used are sighs and brine, And now that I'm nearly forty-nine, Old age is my only bogy ; For my hair is thinning away at the crown, And the silver fights with the worn-out brown ; And a general verdict sets me down As an irreclaimable fogy. 4T THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL 1 AM the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral, IVe information vegetable, animal, and mineral ; I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical ; I'm very well "acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical ; About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, With interesting facts about the square of the hypotenuse. I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral 42 The Modern Major-General I know our mythic history — King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's, I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox ; I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and ZOFFANIES, I know the croaking chorus from the " Frogs " of Aristophanes ; Then I can hum a fugue, of which I've heard the music's din afore. And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore." Then I can write a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern jMajor-Gineral. In fact, when I know what is meant by " mamelon " and "ravelin," When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin. When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at, And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery, When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, In short, when I've a smattering of elementary strategy. You'll say a better Major-Genera/ has never sat a gee — For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury. Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century. But still in learning vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral ! 43 THE BISHOP AND THE 'BUSMAN It was a Bishop bold, And London was his see, He was short and stout and round about And zealous as could be. It also v/as a Jew, Who drove a Putney 'bus — For flesh of swine however fine He did not care a cuss. His name was Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon — This 'bus-directing Jew. 44 The Bishop and the 'Busman The Bishop said, said he, " ril see what I can do To Christianise and make you wise, You poor benighted Jew." So every blessed day That 'bus he rode outside, From Fulham town, both up and down. And loudly thus he cried : " His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon — This 'bus-directing Jew." At first the 'busman smiled, And rather Hked the fun — He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, And said, " Eccentric one ! " 45 The Bishop and the 'Busman And gay young dogs would wait To see the 'bus go by (These gay young dogs, in striking togs)j To hear the Bishop cry : " Observe his grisly beard, His race it clearly shows, He sticks no fork in ham or pork- Observe, my friends, his nose. " His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too. And Solomon and Zabulon— This 'bus-directing Jew.'' But though at first amused, Yet after seven years, This Hebrew child got rather liled, And melted into tears. He really almost feared To leave his poor abode. His nose, and name, and beard became A byword on that road. At length he swore an oath. The reason he would know- " I'll call and see why ever he Does persecute me so ! " 46 The Bishop and the 'Busman The good old Bishop sat On his ancestral chair, The 'busman came, sent up his name. And laid his grievance bare. "Benighted Jew," he said (The good old Bishop did), " Be Christian, you, instead of Jew — Become a Christian kid ! "I'll ne'er annoy you more." " Indeed ? " replied the Jew ; " Shall I be freed ? " " You will, indeed 1 Then " Done ! " said he, " with you ! " The organ which, in man, Between the eyebrows grows, Fell from his face, and in its place He found a Christian nose. 47 The Bishop and the 'Busman His tangled Hebrew beard, Which to his waist came down, Was now a pair of whiskers fair — His name Adolphus Brown ! He wedded in a year That prelate's daughter Jane, He's grown quite fair — has auburn hair- His wife is far from plain. 48 THE HEAVY DRAGOON If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, • Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune ! The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory — Genius of Bismarck devising a plan ; The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)- Coolness of Paget about to trepan — The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico — Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne — The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault — Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man — The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery — Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray — 49 E The Heavy Dragoon Victor Emmanuel — peak-haunting Peveril — Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell — TuppER and Tennyson — Daniel Defoe — Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot ! Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon. Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) — The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon — Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban — A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky — Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan — The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky— Grace of an Odalisque on a divan — The genius strategic of C^sar or Hannibal — Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal — Flavour of Hamlet — the Stranger, a touch of him — Little of Manfred (but not very much of him) — Beadle of Burlington — Richardson's show — Mr. Micaw^ber and Madame Tussaud ! Take of these elements all that is fusible — Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible- Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum. And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 50 THE TROUBADOUR A Troubadour he played Without a castle wall, Within, a hapless maid Responded to his call. " Oh, willow, woe is me ! Alack and well-a-day ! If I were only free I'd hie me far away ! " Unknown her face and name. But this he knew right well, The maiden's wailing came From out a dungeon cell. 51 The Troubadour A hapless woman lay Within that prison grim — That fact, I've heard him say, Was quite enough for him. " I will not sit or lie, Or eat or drink, I vow, Till thou art free as I, Or I as pent as thou ! " Her tears then ceased to flow, Her wails no longer rang. And tuneful in her woe The prisoned maiden sang : ^' Oh, stranger, as you play I recognise your touch ; And all that I can say, Is thank you very much ! " He seized his clarion straight. And blew thereat, until A warder oped the gate, '' Oh, what might be your will ? " " I've come, sir knave, to see The master of these halls : A maid unwillingly Lies prisoned in their walls." With barely stifled sigh That porter drooped his head, With teardrops in his eye, "A many, sir," he said. 52 The Troubadour He stayed to hear no more, But pushed that porter by, And shortly stood before Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye. Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, " What would you, sir, with me ? " The troubadour he downed Upon his bended knee. " I've come, de Peckham Rye, To do a Christian task. You ask me what would I ? It is not much I ask. " Release these maidens, sir. Whom you dominion o'er — Particularly her Upon the second floor ! " And if you don't, my lord " — He here stood bolt upright. And tapped a tailor's sword — " Come out at once and fight ! " 53 The Troubadour Sir Hugh he called — and ran The warden from the gate, " Go, show this gentleman The maid in forty-eight." By many a cell they passed And stopped at length before A portal, bolted fast : The man unlocked the door. V=^ He called inside the gate With coarse and brutal shout, "Come, step it, forty-eight ! " And forty-eight stepped out. " They gets it pretty hot. The maidens wot we cotch- Two years this lady's got For collaring a wotch." 54 The Troubadour " Oh, ah !— indeed — I see," The troubadour exclaimed — " If I may make so free, How is this castle named ? " The warden's eyelids fill, And, sighing, he replied, " Of gloomy Pentonville This is the Female Side ! " The minstrel did not wait The warden stout to thank. But recollected straight He"d business at -the Bank. 55 PROPER PRIDE The Sun, whose rays Are all ablaze With ever-living glory, Will not deny His majesty — He scorns to tell a story : He won't exclaim, " I blush for sham.e, So kindly be indulgent," But, fierce and bold. In fiery gold. He glories all effulgent ! I mean to rule the earth, As he the sky — We really know our worth. The Sun and I ! 56 Proper Pride Observe his flame, That placid dame, The Moon's Celestial Highness ; There's not a trace Upon her face Of diffidence or shyness : She borrows light That, through the night, Mankind may all acclaim her ! And, truth to tell. She lights up well, So I, for one, don't blame her ! Ah, pray make no mistake. We are not shy ; We're very wide awake, The Moon and I ! 57 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA OR, THE GENTLE PIEMAN PART I At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper One whom I will call Elvira, and we talked of love and TUPPER, Mr. Tupper and the poets, very lightly with them dealing, For I've always been distinguished for a strong poetic feeling. Then we let off paper crackers, each of which contained a motto. And she listened while I read them, till her mother told her not to. Then she whispered, "To the ball-room we had better, dear, be walking ; If we stop down here much longer, really people will be talking." 58 Ferdlnando and Elvira There were noblemen in coronets, and military cousins, There were captains by the hundred, there were baronets by dozens. Yet she heeded not their offers, but dismissed them with a blessing ; Then she let down all her back hair which had taken long in dressing. Then she had convulsive sobbings in her agitated throttle, Then she wiped her pretty eyes and smelt her pretty smelling-bottle. So I whispered, " Dear Elvira, say — what can the matter be with you ? Does anything you've eaten, darling Popsy, disagree with you ? " But spite of all I said, her sobs grew more and more dis- tressing. And she tore her pretty back hair, which had taken long in dressing. Then she gazed upon the carpet, at the ceiling then above me, And she whispered, " Ferdinando, do you really, really love me ? " " Love you ? " said I, then I sighed, and then I gazed upon her sweetly — For I think I do this sort of thing particularly neatly — " Send me to the Arctic regions, or illimitable azure. On a scientific goose-chase, with my Coxwell or my Glaisher. 59 Ferdinando and Elvira " Tell me whither I may hie me, tell me, dear one, that I viay know — Is it up the highest Andes ? down a horrible volcano ? " But she said, " It isn't polar bears, or hot volcanic grottoes, Only find out who it is that writes those lovely cracker mottoes ! " PART II " Tell me, Henry Wadsworth, Alfred, Poet Close, or Mister Tupper, Do you write the bonbon mottoes my Elvira pulls at supper ? " But Henry Wadsworth smiled, and said he had not had that honour ; And Alfred, too, disclaimed the words that told so much upon her. " Mister Martin Tupper, Poet Close, I beg of you inform us " ; But my question seemed to throw them both into a rage enormous. Mister Close expressed a wish that he could only get anigh to me. And Mister Martin Tupper sent the following reply to me : — • "A fool is bent upon a twig, but wise men dread a bandit." Which I think must have been clever, for I didn't under- stand it. Seven weary years I wandered — Patagonia, China, Norway, Till at last I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his doorway. 60 Ferdinando and Elvira There were fuchsias and geraniums, and daffodils and myrtle, So I entered, and I ordered half a basin of mock turtle. He was plump and he was chubby, he was smooth and he was rosy. And his little wife was pretty, and particularly cosy. And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and laughed with laughter hearty — He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party. x\nd I said, " Oh, gentle pieman, who so very, very merry ? Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry ? " But he answered, " I'm so happy — no profession could be dearer — If I am not humming ' Tra ! la ! la ! ' I'm singing, ' Tirer, lirer ! ' " First I go and make the patties, and the puddings and the jellies, Then I make a sugar birdcage, which upon a table swell is; 6i Ferdinando and Elvira "Then I polish all the silver, which a supper-table lacquers ; Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find inside the crackers " — " Found at last ! " I madly shouted. " Gentle pieman, you astound me ! " Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically round me. And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him — And I rushed away, exclaiming, " I have found him ! I have found him ! " And I heard the gentle pieman in the road behind me trilling, " ' Tira ! lira ! ' stop him, stop him ! ' Tra ! la ! la ! ' the soup's a shilling ! " But until I reached Elvira's home, I never, never waited. And Elvira to her Ferdinand 's irrevocably mated ! 62 THE POLICEMAN'S LOT When a felon's not engaged in his employment. Or maturing his felonious little plans, His capacity for innocent enjoyment Is just as great as any honest man's. Our feelings we with difficulty smother When constabulary duty's to be done : Ah, take one consideration with another, A policeman's lot is not a happy one ! When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, And listen to the merry village chime. When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, He loves to He a-basking in the sun : Ah, take one consideration with another, The policeman's lot is not a happy one ! 63 LORENZO DE LARDY Dalilah de Dardy adored The very correctest of cards, Lorenzo de Lardy, a lord — He was one of Her Majesty's Guards. Dalilah de Dardy was fat, Dalilah de Dardy was old — (No doubt in the world about that) But Dalilah de Dardy had gold. IvORENZo DE Lardy was tall, The flower of maidenly pets, Young ladies would love at his call, But Lorenzo de Lardy had debts. 64 Lorenzo de Lardy His money-position was queer, And one of his favourite freaks Was to hide himself three times a year, In Paris, for several weeks. Many days didn't pass him before He fanned himself into a flame. For a beautiful "Dam du Comptwore," And this was her singular name : Alice Eulalie Coralixe EUPHROSINE COLOMBINA ThIiIRESE Juliette Stephanie Celestine Charlotte Russe de la Sauce Mayonnaise. She booked all the orders and tin, Accoutred in showy fal-lal, At a two-fifty Restaurant, in The glittering Palais Royal. 6s Lorenzo de Lardy He'd gaze in her orbit of blue, Her hand he would tenderly squeeze, But the words of her tongue that he knew Were limited strictly to these : ^' CORALINE CeLESTINE EuLALIE, Houp la ! Je vous aime, oui, mossoo, Combien donnez moi aujourd'hui Bonjour, Mademoiselle, parlez voo." Mademoiselle de la Sauce Mayonnaise Was a witty and beautiful miss, Extremely correct in her ways. But her English consisted of this : " Oh my ! pretty man, if you please, Blom boodin, biftek, currie lamb, Bouldogue, two franc half, quite ze cheese, Rosbif, me spik Angleesh, godam," A waiter, for seasons before, Had basked in her beautiful gaze. And burnt to dismember Milor, He loved de la Sauce Mayonnaise. He said to her, " Mechante Therese, Avec desespoir tu m'accables. Penses-tu, de la Sauce Mayonnaise, Ses intentions sont honorables ? " Flirtez toujours, ma belle, si tu oscs — Je me vengerai ainsi, ma chere, Je lui dirai de quoi Poti compose Vol au vent a la Fitiajicih'e 1 " 66 Lorenzo de Lardy Lord Lardy knew nothing of this — The waiter's devotion ignored. But he gazed on the beautiful miss, And never seemed weary or bored. The waiter would screw up his nerve, His fingers he'd snap and he'd dance — And Lord Lardy would smile and observe, " How strange are the customs of France ! Well, after delaying a space. His tradesmen no longer would wait Returning to England apace, He yielded himself to his fate. Lord Lardy espoused, with a groan, Miss Dardy's developing charms, And agreed to tag on to his own. Her name and her newly-found arms. 67 Lorenzo de Lardy The waiter he knelt at the toes Of an ugly and thin coryphee, Who danced in the hindermost rows At the Theatre des Varietes. Mademoiselle de la Sauce Mayonnaise Didn't yield to a gnawing despair But married a soldier, and plays As a pretty and pert Vivandiere. 08 THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER Whene'er I poke Sarcastic joke Replete with malice spiteful, The people vile Politely smile And vote me quite delightful ! Now, when a wight Sits up all night Ill-natured jokes devising, And all his wiles Are met with smiles, It's hard, there's no disguising ! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and nothing goes wrong. And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at ! 69 The Baffled Grumbler When Germnn bands From music stands Play Wagner imper/^r/ly — I bid them go — They don't say no, But off they trot directly ! The organ boys They stop their noise With readiness surprising, And grinning herds Of hurdy-gurds Retire apologising ! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and nothing goes wrong. And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at ! I've offered gold. In sums untold, To all who'd contradict me — I've said I'd pay A pound a day To any one who kicked me — I've bribed with toys Great vulgar boys To utter something spiteful, But, bless you, no I They will be so Confoundedly politeful ! In short, these aggravating lads. They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, They give me this and they give me that, And I've nothing whatever to grumble at ! 7« DISILLUSIONED BY AN EX-ENTHUSIAST Oh, that my soul its gods could see As years ago they seemed to me When first I painted them ; Invested with the circumstance Of old conventional romance : Exploded theorem ! The bard who could, all men above, Inflame my soul with songs of love, And, with his verse, inspire The craven soul who feared to die With all the glow of chivalry And old heroic fire ; 71 Disillusioned I found him in a beerhouse tap Awaking from a gin-born nap, With pipe and sloven dress ; Amusing chums, who fooled his bent, With muddy, maudlin sentiment, And tipsy foolishness ! The novelist, whose painting pen To legions of fictitious men A real existence lends, Brain -people whom we rarely fail. Whene'er we hear their names, to hail As old and welcome friends ; I found in clumsy snuffy suit, In seedy glove, and blucher boot, Uncomfortably big. Particularly commonplace, With vulgar, coarse, stockbroking face. And spectacles and wig. My favourite actor who, at will, With mimic woe my eyes could fill With unaccustomed brine : A being who appeared to me (Before I knew him well) to be A song incarnadine ; I found a coarse unpleasant man With speckled chin — unhealthy, wan — Of self-importance full : Existing in an atmosphere That reeked of gin and pipes and beer- Conceited, fractious, dull. 72 Disillusioned The warrior whose ennobled name Is woven with his country's fame, Triumphant over all, I found weak, palsied, bloated, blear ; His province seemed to be, to leer At bonnets in Pall Mall. Would that ye always shone, who write. Bathed in your own innate limelight, And ye who battles wage. Or that in darkness I had died Before my soul had ever sighed To see you off the stage ! 73 ^<^ THE HOUSE OF PEERS When Britain really ruled the waves — (In good Queen Bess's time) The House of Peers made no pretence To intellectual eminence, Or scholarship sublime ; • Yet Britain won her proudest bays In good Queen Bess's glorious days ! When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, As every child can tell, The House of Peers, throughout the war. Did nothing in particular, And did it very well ; Yet Britain set the world ablaze In good King George's glorious days ! 74 The House of Peers And while the House of Peers withholds Its legislative hand, And noble statesmen do not itch To interfere with matters which They do not understand, As bright will shine Great Britain's rays, As in King George's glorious days ! 75 BABETTE'S LOVE Babette she was a fisher gal, With jupon striped and cap in crimps. She passed her days inside the Halle, Or catching little nimble shrimps. Yet she was sweet as flowers in May, With no professional boucpet. Jacot was, of the Customs bold. An officer, at gay Boulogne, He loved Babette — his love he told. And sighed, " Oh, soyez vous my own I But "Non ! " said she, "Jacot, my pet, Vous etes trop scraggy pour Babette. 76 Babette's Love " Of one alone I nightly dream, ' An able mariner is he, And gaily serves the Gen'ral Steam- Boat Navigation Companee. I'll marry him, if he but will — His name, I rather think, is Bill. " I see him when he's not aware, Upon our hospitable coast, Reclining with an easy air Upon the Port against a post, A-thinking of, I'll dare to say, His native Chelsea far away ! " "Oh, mon ! " exclaimed the Customs bold, " Mes yeux!" he said (which means " my eye ") " Oh, chere ! " he also cried, I'm told, " Par Jove," he added, with a sigh. " Oh, mon ! oh, chere ! mes yeux ! par Jove ! Je n'aime pas cet enticing cove ! " The Panther's captain stood hard by. He was a man of morals strict If e'er a sailor winked his eye, Straightway he had that sailor licked, Mast-headed all (such was his code) Who dashed or jiggered, blessed or blowed. He wept to think a tar of his Should lean so gracefully on posts. He sighed and sobbed to think of this, On foreign, French, and friendly coasts. " It's human natur', p'raps — if so, Oh, isn't human natur' low ! " 77 Babette's Love He called his Bill, who pulled his curl, He said, " My Bill, I understand You've captivated some young gurl On this here French and foreign land Her tender heart your beauties jog — ■ They do, you know they do, you dog. " You have a graceful way, I learn, Of leaning airily on posts. By which you've been and caused to burn A tender flame on these here coasts. A fisher gurl, I much regret, — Her age, sixteen — her name, Babette. "You'll marry her, you gentle tar — Your union I myself will bless, And when you matrimonied are, I will appoint her stewardess." l^ut William hitched himself and sighed, And cleared his throat, and thus repUed : 7« Babette's Love '^ Not so : unless you're fond of strife. You'd better mind your own affairs, I have an able-bodied wife Awaiting me at Wapping Stairs; If all this here to her I tell, She'll larrup you and me as well ^ " Skin-deep, and valued at a pin, Is beauty such as Venus owns — Her beauty is beneath her skin. And lies in layers on her bones. The other sailors of the crew They always calls her ' Whopping Sue .' ' '' " Oho ! " the Captain said, " I see ! And is she then so very strong ? " "She'd take your honour's scruff," said he " And pitch you over to Bolong ! " " I pardon you," the Captain said, " The fair Babette you needn't wed." 79 Babette's Love Perhaps the Customs had his will, And coaxed the scornful girl to wed. Perhaps the Captain and his Bill, And William's little wife are dead ; Or p'raps they're all alive and well : I cannot, cannot, cannot tell. So A MERRY MADRIGAL Brightly dawns our wedding day ; Joyous hour, we give thee greeting ! Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment, prithee stay ! What though mortal joys be hollow ? Pleasures come, if sorrows follow. Though the tocsin sound, ere long, Ding dong ! Ding dong ! Yet until the shadows fall Over one and over all. Sing a merry madrigal — Fal la ! Let us dry the ready tear ; Though the hours are surely creeping, Little need for woeful weeping Till the sad sundown is near. All must sip the cup of sorrow, I to-day and thou to-morrow : This the close of every song — Ding dong ! Ding dong ! What though solemn shadows fall. Sooner, later, over all ? Sing a merry madrigal — Fal la ! 8i \> 1^^ TO MY BRIDE (whoever she may be) Oh ! little maid ! — (I do not know your name, Or who you are, so, as a safe precaution I'll add) — Oh, buxom widow ! married dame ! (As one of these must be your present portion) Listen, while I unveil prophetic lore for you, And sing the fate that Fortune has in store for you. You'll marry soon^within a year or twain — A bachelor of circa two-and-thirty. Tall, gentlemanly, but extremely plain. And, when you're intimate, you call him "Bertie." Neat — dresses well ; his temper has been classified As hasty ; but he's very quickly pacified. 82 To My Bride You'll find him working mildly at the Bar, After a touch at two or three professions, From easy affluence extremely far, A brief or two on Circuit — " soup " at Sessions ; A pound or two from whist and backing horses. And, say, three hundred from his own resources. Quiet in harness ; free from serious vice. His faults are not particularly shady ; You'll never find him " shy " — for, once or twice Already, he's been driven by a lady, Who parts with him — perhaps a poor excuse for him- Because she hasn't any further use for him. Oh ! bride of mine — tall, dumpy, dark, or fair ! Oh ! widow — wife, maybe, or blushing maiden, I've told yo?ir fortune: solved the gravest care With which jw/;^ mind has hitherto been laden. I've prophesied correctly, never doubt it ; Now tell me mine — and please be quick about it ! You — only you — can tell me, an you will. To whom I'm destined shortly to be mated, Will she run up a heavy modiste^ s bill ? If so, I want to hear her income stated. (This is a point which interests me greatly). To quote the bard, " Oh ! have I seen her lately ? " Say, must I wait till husband number one Is comfortably stowed away at Woking ? How is her hair most usually done ? And tell me, please, will she object to smoking ? The colour of her eyes, too, you may mention : Come, Sibyl, prophesy — I'm all attention. THE DUKE AND THE DUCHESS The Duke. Small titles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get — and they're highly delighted. M.P.s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying, It adds a large sum to my makings. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent on the takings ! Till', Dl^chess. I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety ; When Virtue would quash her I take and whitewash her And launch her in first-rate society. 84 The Duke and the Duchess I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers — Their fit and their finishing touches ; A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess ! The Duke. Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel ; I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel ! I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble ; As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted — I'm pretty well paid for my trouble ! The Duchess. At middle-class party I play at ccarte — And I'm by no means a beginner ; To one of my station The remuneration — Five guineas a night and my dinner. I write letters blatant On medicines patent — And use any other you mustn't ; And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap — which it doesnt. 85 The Duke and the Duchess The Duke. We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment ; We're often in waiting At junket or feting, And sometimes attend an interment. In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches, Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do better Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess 1 "^^ ^6 THE FOLLY OF BROWN By a General Agent I KNEW a boor — a clownish card (His only friends were pigs and cows and The poultry of a small farmyard), Who came into two hundred thousand. Good fortune worked no change in Brown, Though she's a mighty social chymist ; He was a clown — and by a clown I do not mean a pantomimist. It left him quiet, calm, and cool, Though hardly knowing what a crown was- You can't imagine what a fool Poor rich uneducated Brown was ! 87 The Folly of Brown He scouted all who wished to come And give him monetary schooling ; And I propose to give you some Idea of his insensate fooling. I formed a company or two — (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, I formed them solely with a view To help him to a sound investment). Their objects were — their only cares — To justify their Boards in showing A handsome dividend on shares And keep their good promoter going. But no — the lout sticks to his brass, Though shares at par I freely proffer : Yet — will it be believed ? — the ass Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer! 88 The Folly of Brown He adds, with bumpkin's stolid grin (A weakly intellect denoting), He'd rather not invest it in A company of my promoting ! "You have two hundred 'thou ' or more," Said I. " You'll waste it, lose it, lend it ; Come, take my furnished second floor, I'll gladly show you how to spend it." But will it be believed that he, With grin upon his face of poppy, Declined my aid, while thanking me For what he called my " philanthroppy " ? Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them ; They will not hear the charmer's voice, However wisely he may charm them ! I showed him that his coat, all dust. Top boots and cords provoked compassion, And proved that men of station must Conform to the decrees of fashion. I showed him where to buy his hat To coat him, trouser him, and boot him ; But no — he wouldn't hear of that — • " He didn't think the style would suit him ! 89 The Folly of Brown I offered him a county seat, And made no end of an oration ; I made it certainty complete, And introduced the deputation. But no — the clown my prospect blights — (The worth of birth it surely teaches !) " Why should I want to spend my nights In Parliament, a-making speeches ? " I haven't never been to school — I ain't had not no eddication — And I should surely be a fool To publish that to all the nation ! I offered him a trotting horse — No hack had ever trotted faster — I also offered him, of course, A rare and curious "old master." I offered to procure him weeds — Wines fit for one in his position — But, though an ass in all his deeds, He'd learnt the meaning of "commission." He called me "thief" the other day. And daily from his door he thrusts me ; Much more of this, and soon I may Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me. 90 The Folly of Brown So deaf to all sound Reason's rule This poor uneducated clown is, You can//*?/ fancy what a fool Poor rich uneducated Brown is. 91 EHEU FUGACES- The air is charged with amatory numbers — Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. Peace, peace, old heart ! Why waken from its slumbers The aching memory of the old, old days ? Time was when Love and I were well acquainted ; Time was when we walked ever hand- in hand ; A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted. None better loved than I in all the land ! Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, Forsaking even military men, Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration — Ah m'e, I was a fair young curate then ! 92 Eheu Fugaces — ! Had I a headache ? sighed the maids assembled ; Had I a cold ? welled forth the silent tear ; Did I look pale ? then half a parish trembled ; x\nd when I coughed all thought the end was near I had no care — no jealous doubts hung o'er me — For I was loved beyond all other men. Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me — Ah me, I was a pale young curate then ! >; A\ ^ \ ) > ' / ;v . 93 SIR MACKLIN Of all the youths I ever saw None were so wicked^ vain, or silly, So lost to shame and Sabbath law As worldly Tom, and Bob, and Billy. For every Sabbath day they walked (Such was their gay and thoughtless natur') In parks or gardens, where they talked From three to six, or even later. Sir Macklin was a priest severe In conduct and in conversation, It did a sinner good to hear Him deal in ratiocination. He could in every action show Some sin, and nobody could doubt him. He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him. 94 Sir Macklin He wept to think each thoughtless youth Contained of wickedness a skinful, And burnt to teach the awful truth, That walking out on Sunday's sinful. "Oh, youths," said he, "I grieve to find The course of life you've been and hit on- Sit down," said he, "and never mind The pennies for the chairs you sit on. "My opening head is 'Kensington,' How walking there the sinner hardens ; Which when I have enlarged upon, I go to ' Secondly ' — its Gardens. "My 'Thirdly' comprehendeth 'Hyde,' Of Secrecy the guilts and shameses ; My ' Fourthly ' — ' Park ' — its verdure wide — My 'Fifthly' comprehends 'St. James's.' 95 Sir Mackliii " That matter settled I shall reach The ' Sixthly ' in my solemn tether, And show that what is true of each, Is also true of all^ together. " Then I shall demonstrate to you, According to the rules of Whately, That what is true of all, is true Of each, considered separately." In lavish stream his accents flow, Tom, Bob, and Billy dare not flout him ; He argued high, he argued low. He also argued round about him. " Ha, ha ! " he said, " you loathe your ways, Repentance on your souls is dawning, In agony your hands you raise." (And so they did, for they were yawning.) 96 Sir Macklin To " Twenty-firstly " on they go, The lads do not attempt to scout him ; He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him. " Ho, ho ! " he cries, " you bow your crests — My eloquence has set you weeping ; In shame you bend upon your breasts ! " (They bent their heads, for they were sleeping.) %ajlf He proved them this — he proved them that This good but wearisome ascetic ; He jumped and thumped upon his hat. He was so very energetic. His bishop at this moment chanced To pass, and found the road encumbered ; He noticed how the Churchman danced, And how his congregation slumbered. 97 H Sir Macklin The hundred and eleventh head The priest completed of his stricture 3 " Oh, bosh ! " the worthy bishop said, And walked him off, as in the picture. 98 THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list Of social offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed — who never would be missed ! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for auto- graphs — All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs — All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em fiat- All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that — And all third persons who on spoiling tcte-a-tHes insist — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano organist — I've got him on the list ! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed — they never would be missed ! 99 They'll None of 'Em be Missed Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own ; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy. And who " doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try " ; And \\\?iX. fi?i-de-siccle anomaly, the scorching motorist — I don't think he'd be missed — I'm sure he'd not be missed ! And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list ! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, Such as — What-d'ye-call-him — Thing'em-Bob, and likewise — Never-mind, And 'St — 'st — 'st — and What's-his-name, and also — You- know-who — (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you /) But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! roo I^'% * ^-1, • » > THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" ^ < /■ - I - -- 'TwASyOn The sho^es/that round our coast ^Frc^i Detil rp Ramsgate sfrSn, / TRat I foimd alone on a pie!ce of stone An elderly naval man. His hair was weedy, his beard was long, And weedy and long was he, And I heard this wight on the shore recitej In a singular minor key : "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig,'' And a bo^sun tightj^/'and a midshipmite, And Fhe crew of the captain's gig." lOI The :YarR of the " Nancy Bell " And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, Till I really felt afraid, For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, And so I simply said: "Oh, elderly man, it's little I know Of the duties of men of the sea, But I'll eat my hand if I understand How you can possibly be "At once a cook, and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig. And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig." Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which Is a, trick all seamen larn, / . . . . And having got rid of a thumping quid, He spun this painful yarn : " 'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell That we sailed to the Indian sea. And there on a reef we come to grief, Which has often occurred to me. " And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned (There was seventy-seven o' soul), And only ten of the Na?icys men Said ' Here ! ^ to the muster-roll. "There was me and the cook and the captaihtbold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite. And the crew of the captain's gig. lQ2 The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " " For a month we'd neither wittleg nor drink. Till a-hungry we did feel, So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot The captain for our meal. " The next lot fell to the Nancfs mate, And a delicate dish he made;7 Then our appetite with the midshipmite We seven survivors stayed. " And then we murdered the bo'sun tight, And he much resembled pig ; Then we wittled free, did the cook and me. On the crew of the captain's gig. "Then only the cook and me was left. And the delicate question, 'Which Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose And we argued it out as sich. " For I loved that cook as a brother, I did^ And the cook he worshipped me ; But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed In the other chap's hold, ^ou see.y " 'I'll be eat if you dijies off me,' says Tom, 'Yes, tKat,"^ says I, 'you'll be,'— 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, And ' Exactly so,' quoth he. ' Says he, ' Dear James, to murde r me Were a foolish thing to do, / For don't you see that you can't cook w^, While I can — and will — coo]l you !' . ""103 "^ V The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell *' " So he boils the water/and takes the salt And the pepper in portions true ' (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, And some sage and parsley too.//' " ' Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, Which his smiling features tell, ' ' 'Twill soothing be if I let you see. How extremely nice you'll smell.'//'' '^'^And he stirred it round and round and round. And he sniffed at the foaming froth ; When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals In the scum of the boiling broth. The. Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " "And I eat that cook in a week or less, And-T^s I eating be The last of his chops, why, I almost drops, For a wessel in sight I see ! ' "And I never grin, and I never smile. And I never larf nor play. But I sit and croak, and" a~smgle joke I have — which is to say : "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig,,. ^ Ajid a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig ! '"' 105 GIRL GRADUATES They intend to send a wire To the moon ; And they'll set the Thames on fire Very soon ; Then they learn to make silk purses With their rigs From the ears of Lady Circe's Piggy-wigs. And weasels at their slumbers They'll trepan ; To get sunbeams from cuf^/wbcrs They've a plan. They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion If they can ! These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee ! io6 Girl Graduates As for fashion, they forswear it, So they say, And the circle — they will square it Some fine day ; Then the little pigs they're teaching For to fly ; And the niggers they'll be bleaching By-and-by ! Each newly joined aspirant To the clan Must repudiate the tyrant Known as Man ; They mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him, And they're "going to do without him" If they can ! These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee ! to^ THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO From east and south the holy clan Of Bishops gathered, to a man ; To Synod, called Pan-Anglican, In flocking crowds they came. Among them was a Bishop, who Had lately been appointed to The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, And Peter was his name. His people — twenty-three in sum — They played the eloquent tum-tum, And lived on scalps served up in rum — The only sauce they knew. When first good Bishop Peter came (For Peter was that Bishop's name), To humour them, he did the same As they of Rum-ti-Foo. io8 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo His flock, I've often heard him tell, (His name was Peter) loved him well, And summoned by the sound of bell, In crowds together came. " Oh, massa, why you go away ? Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." (They called him Peter, people say. Because it was his name.) He told them all good boys to be. And sailed away across the sea, At London Bridge that Bishop he Arrived one Tuesday night — And as forthwith he homeward strode To his Pan-Anglican abode, He passed along the Borough Road And saw a gruesome sight. He saw a crowd assembled round A person dancing on the ground. Who straight began to leap and bound With all his might and main. To see that dancing man he stopped, Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, Then down incontinently dropped. And then sprang up again. The Bishop chuckled at the sight, " This style of dancing would delight A simple Rum-ti-Foozleite, I'll learn it if I can, To please the tribe when I get back." He begged the man to teach his knack. "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," Replied that dancing man. 109 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo The dancing man he worked away — And taught the Bishop every day — The dancer skipped like any fay — Good Peter did the same. The Bishop buckled to his task With battements^ cuts, and/czj- de basque (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, That Peter was his name). "Come, walk like this," the dancer said, " Stick out your toes — stick in your head. Stalk on wdth quick, galvanic tread — Your fingers thus extend ; The attitude's considered quaint." The weary Bishop, feeling faint, Replied, " I do not say it ain't. But Time, my Christian friend." "We now proceed to something new- — Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, Like this — one, two — one, two — one, two." The Bishop, never proud, , no Thu Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo But in an overwhelming heat (His name was Peter, I repeat) Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, And puffed his thanks aloud. Another game the dancer planned — *' Just take your ankle in your hand, And try, my lord, if you can stand — Your body stiff and stark. If, when revisiting your see, You learnt to hop on shore — like me — The novelty would striking be. And must attract remark." "No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; That is a length to which, I trow, Colonial Bishops cannot go. You may express surprise At finding Bishops deal in pride — But, if that trick I ever tried, I should appear undignified In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes III The Bishop of Rum-ti-x'oo " The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo Are well-conducted persons, who Approve a joke as much as you, And laugh at it as such ; But if they saw their Bishop land. His leg supported in his hand, The joke they wouldn't understand — • 'Twould pain them very much ! " 112 BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR. Braid the raven hair, Weave the supple tress. Deck the maiden fair In her loveHness ; Paint the pretty face, Dye the coral lip, Emphasise the grace Of her ladyship ! Art and nature, thus allied, Go to make a pretty bride ! Sit with downcast eye. Let it brim with dew; Try if you can cry. We will do so, too. When you're summoned, start Like a frightened roe ; Flutter, little heart, Colour, come and go ! Modesty at marriage tide Well becomes a pretty bride \ 113 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY A VERY TRUE TALE [To be su7ig to the Air of the " Whistling Oyster.^'^ An elderly person — a prophet by trade — With his quips and tips On withered old lips, He married a young and a beautiful maid ; The cunning old blade. Though rather decayed, He married a beautiful, beautiful maid. She was only eighteen, and as fair as could be^ With her tempting smiles And maidenly wiles, 114 The Precocious Baby And he was a trifle of seventy-three : Now what she could see Is a puzzle to me, In a prophet of seventy — seventy-three ! Of all their acquaintances bidden (or bade) With their loud high jinks And underbred winks None thought they'd a family have — but they had A singular lad Who drove 'em half mad, He proved such a horribly fast little cad. For when he was born he astonished all by, With their " Law, dear me ! " "Did ever you see." He'd a weed in his mouth and a glass in his eye, A hat all awry — An octagon tie. And a miniature — miniature glass in his eye. He grumbled at wearing a frock and a cap. With his " Oh dear, no ! " And his " Hang it ! 'oo know ! " And he turned up his nose at his excellent pap — " My friends, it's a tap Dat is not worf a rap." (Now this was remarkably excellent pap.) He'd chuck his nurse under the chin, and he'd say. With his " Fal, lal, lal "— " 'Oo doosed fine gal ! " 115 The Precocious Baby This shocking precocity drove 'em away : "A month from to-day Is as long as I'll stay — Then I'd wish, if you please, for to go, if I may." His father, a simple old gentleman, he With nursery rhyme And "Once on a time," Would tell him the story of " Little Bo-P," "So pretty was she, So pretty and wee. As pretty, as pretty, as pretty could be." But the babe, with a dig that would startle an ox. With his " C'ck ! Oh my !— Go along wiz 'oo, fie ! " Would exclaim, "I'm afraid 'oo a socking ole fox." Now a father it shocks. And it whitens his locks When his little babe calls him a shocking old fox. The name of his father he'd couple and pair (With his ill-bred laugh. And insolent chaff) With those of the nursery heroines rare ; Virginia the fair, Or Good Goldenhair, Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could bear. There's Jill and White Cat " (said the bold little brat, With his loud, " Ha, ha ! ") " 'Oo sly ickle pa ! ii6 The Precocious Baby Wiz 'oo Beauty, Bo-Peep, and 'oo Mrs. Jack Sprat ! I've noticed 'oo pat My pretty White Cat — I sink dear mamma ought to know about dat ! " He early determined to marry and wive, For better or worse With his elderly nurse — Which the poor little boy didn't live to contrive His health didn't thrive — No longer alive, He died an enfeebled old dotard at five 1 117 The Precocious Baby MORAL Now elderly men of the bachelor crew, With wrinkled hose And spectacled nose, Don't marry at all — you may take it as true If ever you do The step you will rue, For your babes will be elderly — elderly tea. ii8 THE WORKING MONARCH Rising early in the mormng, We proceed to light the fire, Then our Majesty adorning In its work-a-day attire, We embark without delay On the duties of the day. First, we polish off some batches Of political despatches, And foreign politicians circumvent ; Then, if business isn't heavy, We may hold a Royal levee^ Or ratify some Acts of Parliament : Then we probably review the household troops — With the usual " Shalloo humps " and " Shalloo hoops ! " Or receive with ceremonial and state An interesting Eastern Potentate. After that we generally Go and dress our private valet — 119 The Working Monarch (It's a rather nervous duty — he a touchy little man) — Write some letters literary For our private secretary — (He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.) Then, in view of cravings inner, We go down and order dinner ; Or we polish the RegaHa and the Coronation Plate — ^ Spend an hour in titivating All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting ; Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State, Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great ; But the privilege and pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State i After luncheon" (making merry On a bun and glass of sherry), If we've nothing in particular to do, We may make a Proclamation, Or receive a Deputation — Then we possibly create a Peer or two. Then we help a fellow-creature on his path With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath : Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State To a festival, a function, or d^fcte. Then we go and stand as sentry At the Palace (private entry). Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro. While the warrior on duty Goes in search of beer and beauty (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to goY He relieves us, if he's able. Just in time to lay the table. I2C The Working Monarch Then we dine and serve the coffee ; and at half-past tweh^e or one, With a pleasure that's emphatic ; Then we seek our little attic With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done. Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none ; And the culminating pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done ! 121 TO PHCEBE " Gentle, modest, little flower, Sweet epitome of May, Love me but for half-an-hour, Love me, love me, little fay." Sentences so fiercely flaming In your tiny shell-like ear, 1 should always be exclaiming If I loved you, Phcebe, dear. "Smiles that thrill from any distance Shed upon me while I sing ! Please ecstaticise existence. Love me, oh thou fairy thing ! " Words like these, outpouring sadly. You'd perpetually hear. If T loved you, fondly, madly ; — But I do not, Phcebe, dean 122 THE APE AND THE LADY A LADY fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by — The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one — So it would not do — His scheme fell through ; For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Expressed such terror At his monstrous error. That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape. 123 The Ape and the Lady With a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. But it would not do. The scheme fell through — For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, With golden tresses. Like a real princess's. While the Ape, despite his razor keen. Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen ! He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots. And to start his life on a brand-new plan, He christened himself Darwinian Man ! But it would not do. The scheme fell through — For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, Was a radiant Being, With a brain far-seeing — While a Man, however well-behaved, At best is only a monkey shaved 1 i24