LIBRARY OF TKE 
 
 WALT DISNEY SV 
 
 Wit and Humor of 
 American Statesmen 
 
 <& 
 
 A COLLECTION FROM VARIOUS SOURCES 
 
 CLASSIFIED UNDER 
 
 APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS 
 
 1_ 
 
 ,-. n 
 
 /•73 
 N^77 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO 
 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 Copyright, 1902, by 
 
 George W. Jacobs & Company, 
 
 Published September, igo2
 
 fee 
 
 P r e f a c e 
 
 If that man is blessed who causes two blades 
 of grass to sprout where but one grew before, 
 then surely those of our public men who, aside 
 from their labors for the common weal, con- 
 tribute to the gayety of nations are to be doubly 
 commended. In this volume are garnered and 
 classified some of the many bright sayings per- 
 petrated on the stump, in legislature and primary, 
 in the halls of Congress — enlivening many a 
 prosy and protracted debate — or wherever men 
 of opposite political creeds meet and make the 
 sparks of wit fly and scintillate. 
 
 Probably in no other country does politics 
 enter so largely and so intimately into the daily 
 life of the people as in the United States, and 
 nowhere else is the search -light of celebrity 
 turned so relentlessly upon our public men, be 
 they merely politicians or those who have grad- 
 uated by sheer force of intellect into the higher 
 rank of statesmen. Their clever sayings and 
 pungent witticisms are chronicled and chuckled 
 3
 
 IP vet ace 
 
 . the Lakes to the Gulf, from the St. 
 Lawren< e to the Rio Grande. 
 
 I msequently the hope may be ventured that 
 a permanent collection of these good things may 
 find a welcoming audience and evoke a reason- 
 • appreciative mirth. 
 the witticisms of statesmen and poli- 
 ticians embraced in this volume, it has been 
 :it well to include humorous sayings of 
 farmers, negroes and others pertaining to poli- 
 tics; for not all the witty remarks and bright 
 bits of repartee have originated in legislative 
 halls or among our political leaders.
 
 Contents 
 
 Chap. Pacb 
 
 J. On the Stump 7 
 
 II. New Stories of Lincoln .... 28 
 
 III. Office-Seeking as a Fine Art . . 52 
 
 IV. Hayseed Politics 65 
 
 V. Jacksoniana S$ 
 
 VI. Where Woman Appears .... 89 
 VII. The Retort Courteous . . . .109 
 
 VIII. Mistaken Identity 129 
 
 IX. " The Sage of Marshfield," (Daniel 
 
 Webster) . . . . . • . .140 
 X. "Way Down South" .... 147 
 XI. Benton and Douglas and Their 
 
 Colleagues 160 
 
 XII. Lobby and Cloak-Room Yarns . .169 
 
 XIII. Greeleyana 183 
 
 XIV. "The Man in Possession" . . . 190 
 XV. Senatorial Courtesy 200 
 
 XVI. Some Reed Anecdotes 213 
 
 XVII. Ways and Means 218
 
 Wit and Humor of Ameri- 
 can Statesmen 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 On the Stump 
 
 One of the strongest campaigners ever in the 
 West was ex-Senator Saunders, of Montana. 
 The Democrats were always predicting defeat 
 for him, but Saunders would always bob up se- 
 renely on the night of election with enough votes 
 to win ; on one occasion, however, they really 
 polled enough votes to defeat Saunders. There 
 was a grand ratification meeting, with brass 
 bands and bonfires, to celebrate the defeat of the 
 hitherto invincible champion of Republicanism, 
 and there was a hullabaloo that woke the echoes 
 for miles around. Just as the speaking was un- 
 der way who should happen along but Saunders 
 himself. Immediately a number of Democrats 
 surrounded him, and, as those things are done out 
 West, urged him to make a speech to the crowd. 
 7
 
 8 TOt ane Ibumor 
 
 Saunders objected at first, but such strong 
 persuasion was used that he ultimately yielded 
 and climbed up on the platform. Of course the 
 meeting went wild on seeing him, but as soon as 
 he stepped forward and opened his lips a hush 
 of respectful silence fell upon the assemblage. 
 
 "Fellow-citizens and Democrats," he began 
 in a ringing voice, "this is not my time to 
 ratify and celebrate. This entire occasion to 
 me has a peculiar, funereal aspect. However, 
 I must say to you Democrats you have been 
 honest with me." A wave of applause swept 
 over the assemblage. " Many of your leading 
 men came to me during the campaign and 
 prophesied my defeat. (Applause.) They said 
 so sure was it that I had no chance of election 
 that they could beat me with a yellow dog." 
 (Applause, and several voices in the audience 
 hurrahed.) Saunders paused until the noise 
 ided, and then added: "By the gods, 
 they've done it ! " 
 
 There is such a thing as being too anxious, as 
 witness the following remark : 
 
 •• yes," said the statesman, "I defeated my- 
 self by my own eloquence once." 
 
 •• How was that? "
 
 ot American Statesmen 9 
 
 "I was a candidate for the nomination for 
 Congress, and I got up and made a speech to 
 the convention in which I just naturally flung 
 Old Glory with a capital O and a capital G to 
 the breeze in so enthusiastic a manner that I 
 took the house by storm. I dilated on the 
 greatness of our country and on the responsi- 
 bilities of the man who should be called to 
 make her laws, till one old fellow from a 
 back county got up and said that I had con- 
 vinced him that it was too big a job for so 
 young a man as I was to tackle, so he moved 
 that the convention nominate a man of more 
 experience; and, by gee, they did it." 
 
 "Up in Greene County, New York State," 
 said a city politician, "where I used to go 
 to pasture now and then, lived Jephtha Vining, 
 who was one of the leading citizens up in the 
 Hensonville neighborhood, and Jephtha was a 
 yard wide and all Democrat. During the 
 Cleveland-Harrison campaign of 1892 a fair 
 was held at Cairo, the leading town, and I 
 was there. One of the features of the show 
 was to be a lot of oratorical talent on hand. 
 The news of it had been scattered broadcast 
 over the rural districts and there was a fine
 
 io XUit and ibumot 
 
 turnout from every direction, Hensonville 
 coming in force, and among her contingent 
 was Vining. We were old friends, and, 
 naturally enough, were glad to see each other. 
 We talked about personal matters for a time, 
 but the topic of absorbing interest was the 
 meeting and we got to that as soon as we 
 could. 
 
 11 ' We're going to have a big time to-day, ' 
 said I. 
 
 44 ' I guess we air,' admitted Jephtha. 
 
 u 4 Yes, and the speakers they have got are 
 good enough for a national occasion.' 
 
 44 ' There's only one that I keer pertickeler to 
 hear,' said Jephtha, 'and I've clean fergot his 
 name.' 
 
 444 Is it Colonel Danforth ? ' I inquired. 
 
 44 ' No, that don't seem to be it,' said Jephtha, 
 rubbing his chin. 
 
 44 4 Is it Judge O'Gorman?' 
 
 44 4 No, it ain't him.' 
 
 •• 'Maybe it is Captain Conners of Mount 
 Vernon ; he's a rattler.' 
 
 44 Jephtha shook his head. 
 
 11 ' Seems like I ought to know,' he said, « but 
 I can't somehow call it.' 
 
 44 4 Well, whoever it is,' said I giving up the 
 list, for I didn't know all of the speakers myself,
 
 of Bmertcan Statesmen 11 
 
 * we are going to have a big time and Tammany 
 
 Hall ' 
 
 "'There,' interrupted Jephtha, his face 
 gleaming with joy at the discovery, ' that's 
 him. Tammany Hall is the feller. I'd ruther 
 hear him speak than anybody.' " 
 
 Champ Clark tells an amusing story of William 
 J. Bryan's earlier political career. At the time 
 Bryan was a fledgling in national politics. 
 Bryan had been invited, with a dozen other 
 men, to address a political meeting at Omaha. 
 The chairman introduced a long line of more or 
 less distinguished statesmen who were called 
 Judge, Colonel, Major-General, or by some 
 other title. When it drew near Bryan's turn to 
 speak he began to think that he had no title, 
 but he thought that he might get some adverti- 
 sing out of the address for his struggling business 
 as a lawyer at Lincoln. So he went to the chair- 
 man and whispered to him that when his time 
 came to address the assembly he should like to 
 be introduced as " Mr. William J. Bryan, the 
 rising young attorney of Lincoln." The Chair- 
 man grunted an assent, but when he introduced 
 Bryan he did it in these words : 
 
 " Mr Bryan will now speak."
 
 IS TIGUt ano Dumor 
 
 And so the chance to gain an advertisement 
 
 was lost. 
 
 ****** 
 
 •• My funniest experience," says Gen. Russell 
 A. Alger, " during a campaign was not on the 
 stump, although intimately connected with the 
 stump. I had neglected to prepare my speech 
 and, thinking it best to jot down a few notes, I 
 went to the stenographer at my hotel and asked 
 her to take my dictation. She asked whether I 
 wanted it taken direct on the machine ? I 
 thought that way would be as good as any other, 
 and began dictating. She went right ahead, 
 but as I was in the midst of my peroration she 
 burst into tears. I wondered why my eloquence 
 had been so melting, and asked what was the 
 matter." 
 
 "'Would you mind speaking that all over 
 again ? ' she said, with eyes full of tears. ' I for- 
 got to put any paper in the machine.' " 
 
 ****** 
 
 '• I was stumping Pennsylvania during the 
 last campaign in company with General Gobin," 
 said Representative Olmstead of Harrisburg. 
 " 1 have never acquired a knowledge of Pennsyl- 
 vania Dutch, and General Gobin impressed upon 
 me the advantage that would result from such an
 
 of American Statesmen 13 
 
 accomplishment. Occasionally on our stumping 
 trip he would undertake to teach me something of 
 that language, and I flattered myself that I was 
 making pretty good progress. So confident 
 had I become of the advantage of speaking 
 Dutch that before we reached a town I would 
 generally ask him to teach me some good 
 Dutch phrase that I could weave into my re- 
 marks. 
 
 " One day, in particular, which I remember, 
 was when we were taking a carriage drive several 
 miles over a country road to fill an engagement. 
 When the spires of the town were in view it oc- 
 curred to me to request General Gobin for a 
 phrase of Pennsylvania Dutch that I could re- 
 peat before my audience. He responded read- 
 ily and advised me to say, < Was nempst ? ' at 
 the close of my discourse. 
 
 " Delighted with the suggestion, I addressed 
 my audience in enthusiastic terms, and conclu- 
 ded with this eloquent exordium : ' Friends and 
 fellow-citizens, put your cross at the head of 
 the ticket, stand by the flag, and patriotically 
 support the Republican party. Was nempst ? ' 
 
 "Such a rush for the saloon as followed the 
 close of my speech was, I believe, never before 
 witnessed in that section of Pennsylvania. This 
 little phrase which General Gobin taught me is
 
 h Ulit and fwmor 
 
 Pennsylvania Dutch for ' What will you have to 
 drink ? ' and it actually cost me eighteen dol- 
 . settle with the delighted proprietor of the 
 drink establishment." 
 
 A California pioneer tells a story of stump- 
 speaking in the Golden State. 
 
 A turgid orator, so noted for his verbosity and 
 heaviness that he had been dubbed " Melan- 
 choly " McCullon, was assigned to speak at a 
 mining camp in the mountains. There were 
 about fifty miners present when he began. But, 
 when at the end of a coupie of hours he gave no 
 sign of finishing, his listeners dropped away. 
 Some went back to work, but the majority 
 sought wherewith to quench their thirst, which 
 had been immensely aggravated by the dryness 
 of the discourse. 
 
 Finally there was but one auditor left, a 
 dilapidated, weary-looking, old fellow. Fixing 
 his gaze on him, McCullon pulled out a man's 
 size six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old 
 fellow rose slowly and drawled out: "Be you 
 goin' to shoot, ef I go ? " 
 
 "You bet I am," responded McCullon. 
 "I'm bound to finish my speech, even if I have 
 to shoot to keep an audience."
 
 ot amertcan Statesmen 15 
 
 The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, 
 edged off slowly, saying as he did so : " Well, 
 shoot, ef you want to. I may jest as well be 
 shot as talked to death." 
 
 During the political campaign of 1886 Mr. 
 Blaine made several speeches in the West, 
 among them one at Detroit and another at Grand 
 Rapids. The journey along the Detroit, Lan- 
 sing, and Northern Railroad was a proud one 
 for the " Plumed Knight." At every station 
 where the train stopped he was greeted by en- 
 thusiastic crowds, who cheered him, and in re- 
 ply were given short speeches, each of which 
 contained a pat application to the locality and 
 the issues of the campaign. 
 
 " I was talking with Mr. Blaine and General 
 Alger when the train pulled into Grand Ledge. 
 We all stepped out on the platform. There was 
 a peculiar looking crowd of people waiting to see 
 the statesman. One man yelled : ' What's the 
 matter with Alger ? ' 
 
 " ' He's all right ! ' the others bawled in re- 
 ply. 
 
 "But no one seemed to recognize Blaine. 
 The people were craning their necks and peer- 
 ing in at the car windows. Finally one big fel-
 
 is mit ano Dumor 
 
 ..pparently from the country, came up to 
 the platform and asked, 'General Alger, where 
 is Mr. Blaine?' " 
 
 There have been many amusing stories about 
 the manner in which the Rev. N. T. Hopkins 
 made his race for Congress against the Hon. J. 
 M. Kendall, but none is more thoroughly char- 
 acteristic than this, which comes from Campton. 
 If there are any things which the Rev. Hopkins 
 knows less about than probably any other man 
 who ever aspired to so high an office in 
 America, those things are political questions and 
 statesmanship. 
 
 Unlike many another man, however, who is 
 densely ignorant, he knows enough to try and 
 let such matters alone, so far as discussing them 
 mcerned, and all through his canvass de- 
 voted himself to dodging joint debates and 
 hing in the mountain churches. His 
 strong suit has always been his knowledge of 
 Bible, and he discussed that upon all occa- 
 . although his interpretations of it are such 
 ould cause most theologians to have a con- 
 ve chill. 
 Toward the close of the race his friends and 
 managers insisted that he ought to make one or
 
 of amertcan Statesmen 17 
 
 two political speeches, being careful, however, 
 to avoid running up against any snags, and 
 they tried to so arrange matters that no Demo- 
 crat should be present to answer him. After 
 much persuasion he reluctantly consented, and 
 among the two or three appointments arranged 
 for him was one at Campton. The Democrats 
 got wind of the fact that he would speak at the 
 latter place and quietly went to Judge Joseph 
 Lykin and requested him to be on hand and di- 
 vide time with Hopkins. 
 
 The Judge consented, and was on hand at 
 the appointed hour, and announced that he 
 would reply to the Pike County candidate. It 
 was then that Hopkins's mountain genius as- 
 serted itself. It would never do in the world to 
 have his ignorance of political matters exposed, 
 and he could not well prevent the Judge from 
 making a speech, so he hit upon an entirely new 
 and previously unheard-of plan. When he was 
 introduced to the expectant crowd he quickly 
 dived down into his saddle-bags, which he had 
 brought on the platform with him, and, fishing 
 out his Bible, announced a text and proceeded 
 to preach a vigorous, rough-and-tumble sermon, 
 never once alluding to his candidacy or to 
 politics. 
 
 The worst disappointed and most thor-
 
 ih Wit and Ibumor 
 
 oughly upset man in the crowd was Judge 
 Lykin, who was gloating over the fact that he 
 would have a chance to demolish the wily can- 
 didate. His knowledge of the Scriptures was 
 perhaps as scant as Hopkins's knowledge of 
 political questions, and he was, therefore, help- 
 less and unable to respond. It is safe to say 
 that the next party speech the gentleman from 
 Pike County attempted to make, he was abso- 
 lutely certain that no Democrat was in reaching 
 distance. 
 
 Frank B. Burke of Indiana tells a good story 
 about Congressman George Cooper. A cam- 
 paign meeting had been arranged for the Con- 
 gressman. The Republicans tried to have a 
 counter attraction, but were unable to secure a 
 speaker. Not to be outdone, some of the lead- 
 ers announced that a balloon ascension would 
 take place on the afternoon Congressman Cooper 
 was to address the people. The mere ascension 
 of the balloon was not deemed a sufficient at- 
 traction, and, as a further inducement to dis- 
 tract attention from the Democratic rally, it was 
 given out that five guinea-fowl would be taken 
 up in the balloon and set at liberty. Their 
 captors were to be rewarded with a suit of
 
 ot American Statesmen 19 
 
 clothes, an order for the garments being sus- 
 pended from the neck of each fowl. The day 
 of the meeting finally arrived. The crowd 
 gathered in the town, which was a rural settle- 
 ment. At last Congressman Cooper began his 
 remarks. 
 
 But little attention was accorded him. Nearly 
 all those present were picturing the flight of the 
 balloon through the clouds, the descent of the 
 guineas, and the suits of wearing apparel their 
 capture meant. Presently the balloon was seen 
 soaring aloft. An old farmer who stood near 
 an open window, yelled, " There she goes," and 
 with a bound was outside, following the course 
 of the balloon. Right there the meeting ended. 
 The crowd could not be held, for half of it 
 joined in the mad effort to secure a guinea-fowl 
 and the promised reward. Mr. Cooper put on 
 his hat and went to another town to speak. It 
 was not learned what became of the guinea-fowl. 
 
 "One of the funniest campaign experiences 
 I ever had," says Col. Charles Page Bryan, 
 "was while I was making a speech down in the 
 centre of my State. An orator, who shall be 
 nameless, was one of the three others besides 
 myself at the meeting, and delivered a long
 
 20 Wit anO Ibumor 
 
 speech, in the course of which he said : < Re- 
 member, if you conquer yourself you conquer 
 the greatest evil in the world.' 
 
 " He made the assertion in all seriousness and 
 was evidently surprised at the burst of laughter 
 which greeted the statement." 
 
 Alexander H. Stephens, the Confederate Vice- 
 President, wanted the nomination for Congress 
 in a Georgia district before the war, and had as 
 his opponent a big-bodied, big-featured, big- 
 lunged man, who prided himself on his hercu- 
 lean girth and bellowing voice. They came 
 together at the hustings and the big man got 
 the floor. He held his opponent up to ridicule 
 and wound up his harangue with these words : 
 " Why, look at that man," pointing to Stephens, 
 as he sat, a mere bundle of skin and bones, in 
 an invalid's perambulating chair. "Look at 
 him. I could swallow him at one mouthful." 
 
 " Yes," piped Alexander from the depths of 
 his chair, " and if he did he'd have more brains 
 in his stomach than he's got in his head." 
 
 Another good story is related of Bob Toombs 
 and Gen. John B. Gordon. General Gordon is
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 21 
 
 a conspicuous figure in the South, and all who 
 have seen him will recall to memory the long 
 scar upon the upper part of his left cheek, the 
 memento of a sabre wound received during the 
 war. Gordon is immensely popular, and of his 
 popularity Toombs was a little bit jealous. He 
 showed this feeling when in a campaign speech 
 he said : 
 
 "If that scar were on the back of Gordon's 
 neck instead of on his face he wouldn't be so 
 d d popular." 
 
 Gordon heard of this, and a (gw days later, 
 while addressing a political gathering, got back 
 at the famous orator as follows : "If Toombs 
 had been where I was when I got that scar it 
 would be on the back of his neck instead of on 
 his face." 
 
 A candidate for Congress had been making a 
 speech in one of the towns of his district where 
 he was not well known personally, and in the 
 evening while waiting for a train, he strayed into a 
 butcher's shop, and without saying who he was 
 began to pump the butcher to find out how he 
 stood. 
 
 " Did you hear that speech this afternoon ? " 
 he inquired, after some general talk.
 
 22 THUit anD Dumoc 
 
 " Yes," replied the butcher, " I was there." 
 
 " What did you think of it? " 
 
 "Pshaw," said the honest butcher, "I've 
 made a better speech than that a hundred times, 
 trving to sell fifteen cents' worth of soup-bones." 
 The candidate concealed his identity. 
 
 One of the candidates for the representation 
 of a country district, in the course of a speech 
 just previous to the general election, had occa- 
 sion to refer to the flogging of children. Some 
 folk, nowadays, he said, objected to beating 
 youngsters at all, but he agreed with the truth 
 in that saying of the wise man : " Spare the 
 rod and spoil the child." 
 
 "I suppose that I was no worse than other 
 boys," he went on to say, "but I know I had 
 some flogging myself, and I believe it did me 
 good. Now, on one occasion I was flogged for 
 telling the truth ! " 
 
 " It cured you, sir ! " said a voice from the 
 back. 
 
 When people run for office they must be care- 
 ful what they say. In Indiana, a patriot who 
 for many years had unsuccessfully endeavored
 
 of Bmencan Statesmen 23 
 
 to obtain a seat in the Legislature believed that 
 he saw his way thither through the Grangers. 
 Therefore he smiled upon and spoke to the 
 Grangers. In a biographical sketch of himself 
 which he introduced in one of his speeches he 
 made this agricultural remark: "Yes, I may 
 truly say, I was born between two rows of corn." 
 At the slight pause which followed, a broad- 
 chested, hairy-faced individual winked his eye 
 at another Indiana man and observed: "A 
 pumpkin, by thunder ! " Which so far discon- 
 certed the aspirant that he ceased to talk. 
 
 Probably the most unique campaign speech on 
 record is that made some years ago by the Hon. 
 Tim Campbell, of Brooklyn. In his own dis- 
 trict an Italian had the supreme audacity to run 
 against him, greatly to the Hon. Tim's disgust, 
 and here is how he disposed of the Dago's 
 claims, — and incidentally of other weighty 
 matters : 
 
 "There is two bills before the country — the 
 Mills bill and the McKinley bill. The Mills 
 bill is for free trade, with everything free ; the 
 McKinley bill is for protection, with nothing 
 free. Do you want everything free, or do you 
 want to pay for everything ? Having thus dis-
 
 24 TJUit and Ibumor 
 
 posed of the national issue, I will now devote 
 myself to the local issue, which is the Dago 
 Rinaldo. He is from Italy. I am from Ireland. 
 Are you in favor of Italy or Ireland ? Having 
 thus disposed of the local issue and thanking you 
 for your attention, I will now retire." 
 
 ****** 
 In a recent political contest in the oil region 
 of Pennsylvania, a candidate who had been ac- 
 cused by his opponent of want of patriotism 
 during our late unpleasantness, took occasion in 
 vindicating himself to say: " Fellow-citizens, 
 my competitor has told you of the services he 
 rendered in the late war. I will follow his ex- 
 ample, and I shall tell you mine. He basely 
 insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor 
 in that crisis. The truth is, I acted a humble 
 part in that memorable contest. When the 
 tocsin of war summoned the chivalry of the 
 country to rally to the defense of the nation, I, 
 fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit 
 that glows in every American bosom, hired a 
 substitute for that war, and his bones, fellow- 
 citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of the 
 Shenandoah ! " 
 
 ***** 
 There was not much fun in the Presidential
 
 ot Bmerican Statesmen 25 
 
 campaign of 1876, though here and there an 
 occasional bit cropped out, as at a Democratic 
 mass-meeting in Boston. After the proper 
 quantity of music had been performed to keep 
 the audience in good humor, Mr. Dorsheimer 
 commenced a speech by saying, ' ' Faneuil Hall 
 is full to-night; " but here his voice was drowned 
 by the confusion. When it subsided, he began 
 again, saying, "Faneuil Hall is full to-night ! " 
 and then pausing for rhetorical effect, he gave 
 an opportunity for somebody to say, "So is 
 Michael Doherty." The old hall shook with 
 laughter, and enthusiastic cheers were given for 
 that corpulent citizen. 
 
 Ex-Governor Davis Butler, of Nebraska, was 
 "reminded of a story" almost as frequently as 
 President Lincoln. While electioneering in one 
 of the frontier counties, he was lodged at a log 
 hostelry where the accommodation was so scant 
 that his Excellence and a son of the Emerald 
 Isle were assigned to the same bed. On retir- 
 ing, the Governor remarked to Pat that he 
 would "have to stay a long time in the old 
 country before he could sleep with a Gover- 
 nor." 
 
 To which Pat replied, " Begorra, ye'd have
 
 M lUit anC> Ibumor 
 
 to be a moighty long time in the owld countfo f 
 before yer honor would be Governor ! " 
 
 At a Democratic meeting held in a neighbor- 
 ing city it was deemed that a good thing to do 
 would be to have a barbecue. The subject was 
 referred to a committee, who reported favorably, 
 and recommended that it be held on Friday 
 week. Upon the announcement of the date an 
 excited Irishman jumped to his feet and ex- 
 claimed : 
 
 " Mr. Presidint ! I'd have ye to understand, 
 sur, that the great heft of the Dimmicratic 
 Party don't ate mate on Friday ! " Patrick put 
 that undeniable fact in a very concise and 
 pointed way. He couldn't have done it better. 
 The barbecue was not held on Friday. 
 
 Twenty years ago, in a little town in Illinois, 
 a band of hopeful politicians secured a brass 
 cannon with which to celebrate the election of 
 Hancock, and dragging it out to a spot in front 
 of the village tavern, loaded it clear to the 
 muzzle with a heavy charge of powder, rammed 
 down with old rags, leaves, and sod. They 
 counted on firing it but once, but proposed that
 
 ot Bmerican Statesmen 27 
 
 the town should know when it went off. The 
 hour fixed for action was eight o'clock, but at 
 eight o'clock the news was unpleasantly suggest- 
 ive of Garfield, and they postponed firing till 
 nine. At nine things looked more dubious. 
 They waited till ten, and then they drew the 
 cannon back under the shed till the morning's 
 sure tidings should give opportunity to proclaim 
 the Democratic victory. The morning decided 
 Garfield's election, and sadly they sought the 
 gun to unload it. The shed door opening, 
 revealed the defiant muzzle bearing this placard, 
 
 44 A charge to keep I have."
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 New Stories of Lincoln 
 
 One day during the war a clerk from the 
 Adjutant-General's Office, called at the White 
 House, and expressed to Mr. Lincoln his de- 
 sire to be appointed an Assistant Adjutant- 
 General. 
 
 "Do you know whether there are any 
 vacancies in the Adjutant-General's Office at 
 this time? " asked the President. 
 
 "There are none," replied the clerk, "but it 
 has occurred to me that I might be appointed, 
 and assigned to the staff of some general officer 
 commanding a corps, division, or brigade." 
 
 "Exactly," said Mr. Lincoln; " but has any 
 corps, division, or brigade commander applied 
 for you on his staff?" 
 
 " Not that I am aware of," was the answer. 
 
 " Well, sir, do you know of any general officer 
 who wants you upon his staff? " asked the 
 President. 
 
 " I cannot say that I do at this time, sir," 
 replied he. 
 
 28
 
 of American Statesmen 29 
 
 "Then," said Mr. Lincoln, " it seems to me 
 that you might just as well ask me to marry you 
 to a woman who didn't want you as to expect 
 me to send you to a General who didn't want a 
 clerk promoted from the Adjutant-General's 
 Office ; and if I were to force any General to 
 take you against his wishes, I reckon he would 
 have as good cause to apply for a divorce as the 
 woman would have who didn't want a husband ; 
 so that it looks to me, Smith, as if you had 
 bettter remain where you are in the Adjutant- 
 General's Office until somebody wants you else- 
 where." 
 
 ****** 
 
 It will be remembered that while General 
 Grant was investing Petersburg, the President 
 paid a visit to City Point for the purpose of 
 witnessing the progress of the military operations 
 in that quarter. It will also be remembered 
 that at this eventful juncture the public was 
 with breathless anxiety watching every proceed- 
 ing which had the least bearing upon the issue 
 of the siege. 
 
 Shortly after Lincoln's arrival at City Point, 
 while he was engaged in conversation with a 
 group of officers around him, a distant musket- 
 shot was heard from the direction of General 
 Parke's corps, which then occupied the right of
 
 30 Ulit arte Ibumor 
 
 our lines about two miles from City Point. 
 Soon after this the report of another shot came, 
 then followed several others in rapid succession, 
 and directly afterwards volleys were fired, inter- 
 spersed with occasional discharges of cannon, all 
 from nearly the same direction (Parke's position). 
 The President for a few minutes manifested con- 
 siderable anxiety, remarking that he could not 
 understand why Parke had not, as he promised, 
 informed him if anything of importance oc- 
 curred in his vicinity. 
 
 The officers could not account for the firing, 
 as they felt quite confident no considerable 
 force of the enemy could have made its appear- 
 ance near General Parke's corps. 
 
 In a short time, however, the firing ceased, and 
 the President feeling no further apprehension of 
 danger went to bed. 
 
 Early on the following morning Colonel 
 
 P e accompanied by General N s, 
 
 rode over to Parke's headquarters to ascertain 
 the cause of the firing, when they learned that 
 it was occasioned by a careless recruit, who 
 about dusk accidentally discharged his musket 
 near one flank of the line, which was soon re- 
 sponded to by an equally verdant tyro at some 
 other point, and this was immediately followed 
 by other pattering shots along the entire line, so
 
 ot Bmerican Statesmen 3i 
 
 that in a few minutes quite an imaginary battle 
 was inaugurated, and in the darkness which 
 soon obscured everything, the troops verily be- 
 lieving the enemy was in front of them, fired 
 volleys of musketry, with now and then a salvo 
 of artillery ; but fortunately nobody was hurt, 
 and the disturbance was soon quelled. 
 
 Charged with these facts, the officers returned 
 to City Point and reported them to Lincoln, who 
 had just settled himself at the breakfast table. 
 Whereupon he turned around with a mischievous 
 twinkle in his eyes, and smilingly observed that 
 this affair reminded him of an occurrence which 
 once took place in Springfield, Illinois. 
 
 It happened upon one 3d of July night, after 
 quite a number of people from the surrounding 
 country had assembled in town in anticipation of 
 participating in the celebration of the anniver- 
 sary of our national independence, and after 
 nearly everybody had gone to sleep, with the 
 exception of a few frolicsome young fellows who 
 had been prowling about town until after mid- 
 night. They had pretty well exhausted their 
 ingenuity in devising new pranks for fun and 
 mischief, when one of them proposed to bet 
 drinks for the party that he would within five 
 minutes' time make every cock in the whole 
 town crow. The wager was promptly accepted
 
 32 Wit anD Ibumor 
 
 and the young fellow, who by constant practice 
 had reached perfection in imitating the crowing 
 of a chicken-cock, leaped upon a fence, and 
 slapping his thighs with his open hands, elevated 
 his mouth, and gave forth a vociferous "cock- 
 a-doodle-do-o-o-o," which in the stillness of the 
 calm night, reverberated like a clarion through- 
 out every nook and corner of the town ; but this 
 did not elicit a response until he made another 
 still more powerful effort, equal in pitch and 
 volume to that of any proud chanticleer that 
 ever greeted the break of day. Then a solitary 
 reply issued from a chicken-roost in a remote 
 suburb which was soon taken up by others in 
 different directions, and within the brief period 
 specified in the wager probably every cock in the 
 town had repeated the call. But the strangest 
 part of the whole affair was that the sell was not 
 confined to the chickens, for as soon as the 
 crowing commenced all the boys in the place, 
 who very likely slept with one eye open upon 
 that special occasion, and verily believing the 
 joyful Fourth of July had dawned, leaped out of 
 bed, jumped into their clothes and rushed pell- 
 mell to the streets, and within less time than it 
 has taken to relate it, fire-crackers, pistols and 
 guns were being discharged from every direction. 
 " But," added the facetious narrator, " nobody
 
 of Bmertcan Statesmen 33 
 
 was hurt any more than when Parke's roosters 
 prematurely crowed last evening." 
 
 Judge E. Rockwood Hoar, remarking on 
 President Lincoln's dry humor, says that on 
 one occasion a delegation of colored men had 
 waited on Mr. Lincoln, and were evidently at a 
 loss to know just what to say. The President 
 waited a while, and then remarked : " Well, 
 all who are here seem to be present." This 
 self-evident proposition broke the ice and re- 
 moved the spell from the African jaw. 
 
 * * * * * * 
 
 Uncle Billy Green, of Illinois, was Lincoln's 
 partner in the grocery at Salem, and at night, 
 when the customers were few, he held the gram- 
 mar while Lincoln recited his lessons. At Lin- 
 coln's first inaugural banquet Green sat at the 
 table on the President's left, with the dignified 
 Secretary Seward on his right. Lincoln pre- 
 sented the two men to each other, saying : 
 "Secretary Seward, this is Mr. Green, of Illi- 
 nois." Seward bowed stiffly, when Lincoln ex- 
 claimed : "Oh, get up, Seward, and shake 
 hands with Green ; he's the man that taught 
 me my grammar."
 
 34 Halt anD •feumor 
 
 General Singleton, of Quincy, Illinois, who 
 was one of the bright young lawyers of Spring- 
 field when Abraham Lincoln was a green youth 
 there, tells a story which we believe has never 
 been printed before. The bevy of bright young 
 ladies to which Miss Todd belonged before her 
 marriage to Mr. Lincoln used to have a good 
 deal of sport at the awkward young man's ex- 
 pense. One evening at a little party Mr. Lin- 
 coln approached Miss Todd, and said in his 
 peculiar idiom: "Miss Todd, I should like to 
 dance with you the worst way." The young 
 lady accepted the inevitable and hobbled around 
 the room with him. When Miss Todd had re- 
 turned to her seat, one of her mischievous com- 
 panions said : " Well, Mary, did he dance with 
 you the worst way?" "Yes," she answered, 
 "the very worst." 
 
 The following story is so characteristic as to 
 be worth repeating : The foundation of Lin- 
 coln's political success was his popularity, and 
 his popularity was due to his always keeping near 
 to the people, as he expressed it. One night he 
 had a dream. He thought that he was in some 
 great assembly. The people made a lane to let 
 him pass. " He is a common looking fellow,"
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 35 
 
 some one said. Lincoln, in his dream, turned 
 to his critic, and replied, "Friend, the Lord 
 prefers common-looking people, or He would 
 not have created so many of them ! " 
 
 ****** 
 
 Gail Hamilton tells this story about a friend 
 of Mr. Lincoln's, who, in the first convention 
 that nominated him for the presidency, had 
 worked and spoken with great effect. After- 
 wards in thanking him for his enthusiasm, Mr. 
 Lincoln said: "But I am afraid, Colonel, 
 that when you spoke for me you prevaricated 
 just a little." "Prevaricated, Mr. Lincoln?" 
 said the other, "prevaricated? Why, I lied 
 like the devil" 
 
 ****** 
 
 Lincoln related many a story, but never one 
 nearer the point, or more applicable than the 
 following: It was in the summer of 1861, a 
 short time after the Bull Run defeat, that com- 
 plaint was made to Governor R concerning 
 
 the conduct of Colonel of the — th 
 
 Regiment, Wisconsin Volunteers. The Colonel 
 was a prominent man, a Democrat, and the 
 Governor was disposed in military affairs I 
 impartially; but how to have the Colonel trans- 
 ferred or "let down easy" so that no disturb- 
 ance, political or otherwise should arise at home
 
 36 'Unit anS Ibumor 
 
 to vex him, was the question. Finally, it was 
 resolved that the matter should be left with 
 President Lincoln. So Judge O was re- 
 quested by the Governor to go to Washington 
 and ''have matters fixed." Accordingly the 
 
 Judge and Senator D called at the White 
 
 House, stated the case to Mr. Lincoln, and 
 recommended that the Colonel be put upon 
 some General's staff, where he could be more 
 useful than in the position he then occupied, 
 and so "let him down easy." Mr. Lincoln in- 
 quired if the Colonel knew anything of the 
 plan, and upon being answered in the negative, 
 said : " That reminds me of a little story. It 
 was in the Mexican war, at the battle of Monte- 
 rey, I believe, that a little Irish Captain from 
 Sangamon County was ordered by his Colonel 
 to a position with his company. After hearing 
 the order the little Captain straightened up full 
 height and said, ' Colonel, will yez be so kind 
 as to tell that to my min yoursel, for by jabers, 
 Colonel, I'm not on spakin' terms wid my 
 company. ' " It is perhaps needless to add that 
 the gallant Colonel was shortly after this inter- 
 view with the good-natured President placed in 
 a more exalted sphere of usefulness. 
 
 ****** 
 A good instance of the execution which Lin-
 
 of American Statesmen 37 
 
 coin sometimes effected with a story occurred in 
 the Illinois Legislature. There was a trouble- 
 some member from Wabash County, who gloried 
 particularly in being a " strict constructionist." 
 He found something "unconstitutional" in 
 every measure that was brought forward for dis- 
 cussion. He was a member of the Judiciary 
 Committee, and was quite apt, after giving every 
 measure a heavy pounding, to advocate its refer- 
 ence to this committee. No amount of >ober 
 argument could floor the member from Wabash. 
 At last he came to be considered as a man to be 
 silenced, and Lincoln was resorted to for an ex- 
 pedient by which this object might be accom- 
 plished. He soon afterwards honored the draft 
 thus made upon him. A measure was brought 
 forward in which Mr. Lincoln's constituents 
 were interested, when the member from Wabash 
 arose and discharged all his batteries upon its 
 unconstitutional points. Lincoln then took the 
 floor and with the quizzical expression of feature 
 which he could assume at will, and a mirthful 
 twinkle in his gray eyes, said, " Mr. S] 
 the attack of the member from Wabash on the 
 constitutionality of this measure reminds me of 
 an old friend of mine. He's a peculiar looking 
 old fellow with shaggy overhanging eyebrows, 
 and a pair of spectacles under them. (Every-
 
 38 1iUit ano Ibumor 
 
 body turned to the member from Wabash, and 
 recognized a personal description). One morn- 
 ing, just after the old man got up, he imagined 
 on looking out of his door, that he saw rather a 
 lively squirrel on a tree near his house. So he 
 took down his rifle, and fired at the squirrel ; 
 but the squirrel paid no attention to the shot. 
 He loaded and fired again, until, at the thir- 
 teenth shot he set down his gun impatiently and 
 said to his boy who was looking on, ' Roy, 
 there's something wrong about this rifle.' 
 1 Rifle's all right, I know 'tis,' responded the 
 boy, 'but where's your squirrel?' 'Don't you 
 see him humped up about half way up the 
 tree ? ' inquired the old man peering over his 
 spectacles and getting mystified. ' No, I don't,' 
 responded the boy, and then turning and looking 
 into his father's face, he exclaimed, ' I see your 
 squirrel. You've been firing at a louse on your 
 eyebrow.' " The story needed neither applica- 
 tion nor explanation. The House was in con- 
 vulsions of laughter, for Mr. Lincoln's skill in 
 telling a story was not inferior to his appreciation 
 of its points, and his power of adapting them to 
 the case in hand. It killed off the member 
 from Wabash, who was very careful afterwards 
 not to provoke any allusion to his " eyebrows."
 
 ot Bmcrican Statesmen :j» 
 
 For this anecdote the Hon. John J. Van Allen 
 is authority: "Long Tom Davis of Oswego, 
 N. Y., was a lawyer of unusual and conceded 
 ability, an ardent Republican, an enthusiastic 
 admirer of President Lincoln and during the 
 latter years of the war, a valuable member of 
 the New York State Legislature. In 1864 he 
 went to Washington and while there called on 
 the President with the intention of criticising a 
 certain line of policy, the expediency of which 
 was then questioned by many patriotic citizens. 
 Besides being tall enough to warrant the use of 
 the prenominal adjective by which he was dis- 
 tinguished from all shorter Tom Davises, he 
 was a man of sombre temperament and singular 
 gravity of manner. Life for him was too short 
 and serious for a smile, and being for this among 
 other reasons quite incapable of understanding 
 the character of Mr. Lincoln, he returned from 
 the capital amazed and pained by the conviction 
 which he did not hesitate to express that our 
 illustrious President was little better than a 
 buffoon. * Why, you greatly astonish me, Mr. 
 Davis,' said a gentleman to whom he communi- 
 cated his impressions of the President. ' I 
 thought you were one of his warmest support- 
 ers.' ' Well, I'll tell you,' was the reply, 'just 
 how he received me and you can judge for your-
 
 40 TOt ano Ibumor 
 
 self. Having been introduced to him in terms 
 most flattering as a staunch Republican and 
 efficient member of the Legislature, I began to 
 make the suggestion I had in mind, whereupon 
 the President, eyeing me thoughtfully, inquired : 
 1 < Mr. Davis, how tall a man are you ? " I re- 
 plied that I was six feet two inches, upon which 
 he rejoined: "Why, are you as tall as that? 
 Come, let me see," and backing me against a 
 door he took a pencil, marked my height on the 
 jamb, and afterwards his own, the two marks 
 being close together. " We're pretty nearly of 
 a size," said he. "But, Davis, I think my foot 
 is longer than yours." So he insisted on meas- 
 uring feet, after which he began to discuss our 
 weights and the size of our chests and arms. In 
 this way, with these trivial comparisons and con- 
 jectures, he took up all my time, fully fifteen 
 minutes, until a man came in who applied for a 
 clerical position in one of the departments on 
 the strength of having lost a hand in the service 
 of his country. "Oh, you go and see Seward," 
 said the President, "I don't know anything 
 about your hand ; you may have lost it in a 
 steel trap." Now,' concluded Mr. Davis, ear- 
 nestly, ' do you think he had the requisite 
 dignity for so high an office ? ' 
 
 "The interview of which the foregoing is a
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 41 
 
 mere outline seemed deliciously amusing from 
 the fact that Mr. Davis, patriot and statesman 
 that he was, had not the remotest appreciation 
 of the humor of the incident. The President, 
 burdened and worn, bowed by his load of re- 
 sponsibility, and wearied by a long day's work, 
 was in no mood to go over with his visitor 
 ground frequently traversed before, perhaps in 
 protracted Cabinet debates. Perceiving that 
 Mr. Davis was a man of nearly his own build, 
 he found in this topic an escape from a discus- 
 sion he dreaded. It was this ability to mo- 
 mentarily lay aside his dignity in a laugh or a 
 boyish prank which enabled Mr. Lincoln to 
 stand up under his weight of care, and it was 
 this which rendered him such an enigma to the 
 saturine Davis." 
 
 In 1863, after the fall of Vicksburg, a man 
 came to Lincoln seeking an office. He had 
 known Lincoln very well in the early fifties, but 
 had drifted South. He claimed to have been 
 always a Whig and a Union man, although 
 compelled to hide his sentiments until Vicksburg 
 fell. He wanted an office and a good one, and 
 he was very importunate. 
 
 At last Mr. Lincoln said to him: "John,
 
 42 "Wait ano Ibumor 
 
 when I was a young man about the time I first 
 went to Springfield to live, I was invited to a 
 dance, and I was very proud of the invitation. 
 I remember that I bought a new hat and a very 
 good one, for it cost me more than any other 
 hat I had ever bought, and I was very proud to 
 wear it to the dance. Well, I enjoyed myself so 
 much at this hop that I stayed very late, about 
 the last one to leave, as I remember, and as I 
 was ready to go I said to the colored man who 
 had charge of the coats and hats : * Now, 
 John, I wish you would bring me my hat. ' He 
 brought me a hat that had been worn for a long 
 time, and was very rusty and shabby, and I said 
 to him, ' This isn't my hat; I wore a new one,' 
 and then he replied : ' Mr. Lincoln, the new 
 ones were all gone two hours ago. ' ' ' 
 
 Some time before the issuance of the Emanci- 
 pation Proclamation, and while our military 
 operations were unusually unsuccessful, a self- 
 appointed delegation of preachers from New 
 England numbering twenty-three called upon 
 President Lincoln to induce him to issue the 
 proclamation instanter. Their speaker was 
 cocked and primed and full of anticipation of 
 success. He announced that they were the
 
 ot Bmerican Statesmen 43 
 
 delegates of the Almighty, and with many 
 flourishes about Moses and the prophets, de- 
 manded in the name of the Lord that the Presi- 
 dent issue the proclamation declaring the slaves 
 free. 
 
 He went on to assert that when that was done 
 the civilized and Christian world would rise up 
 and assist us with such tremendous force that 
 our success would be assured and much more 
 of the same sort. When he had finished Mr. 
 Lincoln quietly said to the speaker : 
 
 "Your Reverence, how many legs has a 
 sheep ? ' ' 
 
 The speaker raised his hands and the whole 
 body of the delegation showed signs of disgust, 
 as much as to say : " We always heard he was a 
 buffoon." But the speaker answered : " Why, 
 four, Mr. President." 
 
 "Now," said Mr. Lincoln, "if you call a 
 sheep's tail a leg how many legs would he 
 have ? ' ' 
 
 The answer, of course, was five. 
 
 " You all agree to this? " said Mr. Lincoln. 
 
 They nodded assent. 
 
 "No," said the President, "you are wrong. 
 A sheep has only four legs, and calling his tail a 
 leg does not make it a leg." 
 
 The application was apparent; issuing a
 
 44 TIMtt ano tmmot 
 
 proclamation of freedom without the ability to 
 enforce it would be ridiculous. 
 
 It is the humorous element in Lincoln's 
 speeches and writings which makes them almost 
 sui generis, says Mr. Stanton. What he said 
 or wrote to his generals was often amusingly 
 pat. When a seemingly unsurmountable ob- 
 stacle checked the advance of one of the armies, 
 his favorite illustration was: "Well, if you 
 can't plow through the log, perhaps you can 
 plow round it." 
 
 It was characteristic of General McClellan 
 that he always regarded bad weather as exceed- 
 ingly injurious to him, but as never injurious to 
 the other side ; so Lincoln once said of him : 
 " He seems to think, in defiance of Scripture, 
 that heaven sends its rain only on the just and 
 not on the unjust." 
 
 Exasperated at the discrepancy between the 
 aggregate of troops forwarded to the same Gen- 
 eral, and the number the General reported as 
 being received, Lincoln exclaimed: "Sending 
 men to that army is like shoveling fleas across a 
 barnyard — not half of them get there." 
 
 When one of the Northern commanders took 
 the control of a Missouri church out of the
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen us 
 
 hands of its rebel trustees, Lincoln disapproved 
 of the measure in a despatch containing this 
 terse and vigorous phrase, which immediately 
 obtained wide currency : "The United States 
 Government must not, as by this order, under- 
 take to run the churches." 
 
 Not less happy were many of Lincoln's mes- 
 sages to politicians. To one of his mild-natured 
 critics he wrote: "Would you drop the war 
 where it is, or would you prosecute it in the 
 future with elder-stalk squirts charged with rose- 
 water?" 
 
 When, on his first arrival in Washington, the 
 new President was besieged by office-seeker>, 
 while the war was breaking out, Lincoln said : 
 " I feel like a man letting lodgings at one end of 
 the house, while the other end is on fire." 
 
 ****** 
 
 In the winter of 1863 there was much anxiety 
 at Washington, lest Burnside should be raptured 
 at Knoxville. One day a report came to the 
 White House that there was heavy firing in the 
 direction of the latter city. Lincoln, who had 
 been waiting during long hours for some news, 
 now expressed his satisfaction, and when 
 why he found any comfort in his me
 
 46 TUflit ano Ibumor 
 
 sage, answered : "A neighbor of mine in Men- 
 ard County, named Sally Ward, had a large 
 family of children, which she took very little care 
 of. Whenever she heard one of them yelling in 
 some out-of-the-way place, she would say, 
 1 Thank the Lord ! there's one of my young 
 ones not dead yet. ' " So long as there was firing 
 in the direction of Knoxville, Burnside was not 
 captured. 
 
 ****** 
 
 Dr. Bellows, President of the Sanitary Com- 
 mission, went to Washington to get Mr. Lincoln 
 to make a certain appointment. He presented 
 the case to the President, who listened intently, 
 but said nothing. After twenty minutes of elo- 
 quence Mr. Lincoln replied : 
 
 " I made that appointment several days ago." 
 
 "Why didn't you tell me, Mr. Lincoln, and 
 save yourself the trouble of hearing all this? " 
 
 " O, Bellows, I do like to hear you talk," said 
 Honest Old Abe, with a twinkle. 
 
 ****** 
 
 Mr. Lincoln loved Edwin M. Stanton, and 
 believed in him from first to last. When in- 
 quired of concerning the reasons for his appoint- 
 ment, Mr. Lincoln said he rather wished at first 
 to appoint a man from one of the border States, 
 but he knew the New England people would
 
 of Bmertcan Statesmen 47 
 
 object; and then, again, it would have given 
 him great satisfaction to appoint a man from 
 New England, but that would displease the 
 border States. On the whole, he thought he 
 had better take a man from some intervening 
 territory. "And, to tell you the truth, gentle- 
 men," said he, "I don't believe Stanton knows 
 where he belongs himself." 
 
 ****** 
 
 When some gentlemen were discussing Mr. 
 Stanton's impulsiveness, Mr. Lincoln said, 
 "Well, we may have to treat him as they are 
 sometimes obliged to treat a Methodist minister 
 I know of out West. He gets wrought up to so 
 high a pitch of excitement in his prayers and 
 exhortations, that they are obliged to put brie ks 
 into his pockets to keep him down. We may be 
 obliged to serve Stanton the same way, but I 
 guess we'll let him jump awhile first." 
 
 ****** 
 
 "I was once called to Washington," sayi 
 Senator Palmer, "to see Mr. Lincoln on a mat- 
 ter of business. It was in 1865. I was shown 
 into an anteroom, and waited for some time. I 
 saw Senators and others going in, and finally I 
 was called. Mr. Lincoln was being shaved. 
 He said I was home folks, and he could shave 
 before me. I said to him :
 
 48 mit anD Ibumor 
 
 ' • • Mr. Lincoln, if I had supposed at the Chi- 
 cago Convention that nominated you that we 
 would have this terrible war I would never have 
 thought of going down to a one-horse town and 
 getting a one-horse lawyer for President.' 
 
 " I did not know how he would take it, but 
 rather expected an answer that I could laugh at. 
 But he brushed the barber to one side, and with 
 a solemn face turned to me and said : 
 
 " 'Neither would I, Palmer. I don't believe 
 any great man with a policy could have saved 
 the country. If I have contributed to the sav- 
 ing of the country, it was because I attended to 
 the duties of each day with the hope that when 
 to-morrow came I would be equal to the duties 
 of that day,' and he turned to the barber." 
 
 A lady once called to see Mr. Lincoln on 
 business of importance. No one was waiting, 
 and, at the invitation of the messenger, she 
 passed directly into the President's room. She 
 found a gentleman engaged in conversation with 
 the President, but neither noticed her entrance. 
 Taking a seat at a distance from the two gentle- 
 men, she waited her opportunity. The visitor 
 handed a paper to Mr. Lincoln. He looked it 
 over carelessly, and said, —
 
 of Bmerfcan Statesmen 49 
 
 "Yes, that is a sufficient indorsement for 
 
 anybody. What do you want?" 
 
 The reply was not heard, but the promotion 
 of some person in the army was strongly urged. 
 She heard the sarcastic words from the appli- 
 cant : — 
 
 "I see there are no vacancies among the 
 adiers, from the fact that so many colonels are 
 commanding brigades. ' ' 
 
 At this the President threw himself lor ward in 
 his chair, and looking the man squarely in the 
 face, said, " My friend, you are a farmer, I be- 
 lieve. Suppose you had a large cattle-yard full 
 of all sorts of cattle, — cows, oxen, and bulls, — 
 and you kept killing and selling, and disposing 
 of your cows and oxen in one way and another, 
 taking good care of your bulls. By and by you 
 would find out that you had nothing but a yard 
 full of old bulls, good for nothing under heaven. 
 Now it will be just so with the army if I don't 
 stop making brigadier -generals." 
 
 ****** 
 
 Mr. John H. Littlefield, who studied law 
 under Mr. Lincoln, is responsible for the follow- 
 ing:— 
 
 Several men were urging Mr. Lincoln i 
 move Secretary of the Treasury Chase. They 
 said he was in the way of the administration, and
 
 so TOt ane tmmot 
 
 hampered the President. A smile played around 
 the corners of the President's mouth, as he 
 said, — 
 
 "That reminds me of a farmer out West. He 
 was ploughing with his old mare Nance one hot 
 summer day, and his son was following another 
 plow in an adjoining furrow. A horse-fly got on 
 Nance's nose, and the son kept yelling to his 
 father to stop and get the fly off the mare's 
 nose. The father paid no attention to his vo- 
 ciferous son for awhile ; but the son kept yelling 
 about the fly on Nance's nose until the old man 
 answered, 
 
 " ' Now, look-a-here, jist keep quiet ; that ere 
 fly on Nance's nose makes her go faster.' " 
 
 Mr. Stanton, his war secretary, never quite 
 knew how to take Lincoln. Stanton was for ex- 
 terminating such elements as dared to question 
 the President's policy. It is related that once 
 some one had refused to understand an order, 
 or at all events had not obeyed. 
 
 " I believe I'll sit down," said Stanton, " and 
 give that man a piece of my mind.'' 
 
 "Do so," said Lincoln: "write him now 
 while you have it on your mind. Make it 
 sharp. Cut him all up."
 
 of American Statesmen 51 
 
 Stanton did not need a second invitation. It 
 was a bone-crusher that he read to the Presi- 
 dent. 
 
 "That's right," said Abe; "that's a good 
 one." 
 
 " Who can I send it by ? " mused the Secre- 
 tary. 
 
 "Send it?" replied Lincoln; "send it! 
 Why, don't send it at all. Tear it up. You 
 have freed your mind on the subject, and that 
 is all that is necessary. Tear it up. You never 
 want to send such letters ; I never do." 
 
 Shortly after the battle of Gettysburg, Presi- 
 dent Lincoln was being shown over the battle- 
 field. 
 
 " Here," said the General who was escorting 
 him, "here on the brow of the hill stood our 
 brave men, who three different times repelled 
 the assaults of the rebels. I shall always be 
 proud to know, Mr. President, that the men who 
 held these heights were American citizens." 
 
 "And I," replied President Lincoln, "shall 
 always be proud to know that the brave men 
 who charged up these heights, and though re- 
 pulsed, charged again and again, were likewise 
 American citizens."
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 Office-seeking as a Fint Art 
 
 It is recorded that a man appointed Sixth 
 Auditor of the Treasury, subject to examination, 
 was asked to state the distance of the moon from 
 the earth. His written answer was simply : 
 "Not near enough to affect the functions of a 
 Sixth Auditor." He passed. So did another, 
 who being examined for employment in the 
 Treasury, was asked how many soldiers England 
 sent to this country during the Revolution. 
 His answer was: "A great sight more than 
 ever got back." 
 
 "On a trip to Washington," said Col. W. F. 
 Cody, " I had for a companion Sousa, the band 
 leader. We had berths opposite each other. 
 Early one morning as we approached the capital 
 I thought I would have a little fun. I got a 
 morning paper, and, after rustling it a few 
 minutes, I said to Sousa : 
 52
 
 c f American Statesmen ~>3 
 
 "-That's the greatest order Cleveland 
 just issued ! ' 
 
 "< What's that? 1 came from the opposite 
 berth. 
 
 "'Why, he's ordered all the office-seekers 
 rounded up at the depot and sent home.' 
 
 " You should have seen the general conster- 
 nation that ensued. From almost every berth 
 on the car a head came out from between the 
 curtains, and with one accord nearly every man 
 shouted : 
 
 " 'What's that?'" 
 
 It happened to be the semi-monthly pay day 
 in the Post-office Department, and, as usual, the 
 long line of clerks and other employees stretched 
 down the corridor from the office of the dis- 
 bursing clerk. 
 
 An eager office-seeker who rushed up from the 
 railway station, bag in hand, in his haste to see 
 Postmaster-General Bissell, seeing the long line 
 of people standing in the corridor, fell in at the 
 end of it. 
 
 An impatient exclamation from him drew the 
 attention of the clerk standing just in front of 
 him, who, seeing that he was a stranger asked : 
 
 " Do you want to see the disbursing clerk ? "
 
 54 *TOt ano Ibumor 
 
 "No," said the office-seeker, " I want to see 
 the postmaster-general." 
 
 "Well," said the clerk, " we are all waiting 
 to get our money from the disbursing clerk. 
 We are clerks in the department." 
 
 "Heavens," said the stranger, "I thought 
 you were all office-seekers," and he promptly 
 made a break for the postmaster's room. 
 ****** 
 
 When Senator Corwin was appointed Secre- 
 tary of the Treasury by President Fillmore, Clay 
 called upon him with the request that he should 
 give the position of treasurer of the department 
 to his old firm and true political friend, John 
 Sloane, who for many years ably represented a 
 leading district of Ohio in the Lower House of 
 Congress. The secretary declined making the 
 appointment, which the great Senator with all 
 his persuasive powers and eloquence urged upon 
 him. The appointment still being refused the 
 great Kentuckian said, " Tom, I never should 
 have thought you could treat your old friend in 
 this style." Grasping his old political leader 
 by the hand, the Secretary remarked, "My 
 friend, the reason why I said that I could not 
 make this appointment was that I had already 
 made it."
 
 ot Smerican Statesmen 56 
 
 Office-seekers should go to Gainesville, Flor- 
 ida. Here's a paragraph from the paper pub- 
 lished in that place which says : " When the 
 Hon. L. C. Dennis left us for his Northern trip, 
 to be absent several months, we lost in him our 
 senator, county commissioner, board of instruc- 
 tion, deputy marshal, deputy sheriff, deputy 
 county clerk, treasurer of school funds, cus- 
 todian of county treasurer's books, senior coun- 
 cilman and acting mayor. Nearly all public 
 business was suspended until his return on the 
 21st October." 
 
 Pat wanted a position under the government, 
 and on being told that he must be prepared to 
 pass a civil service examination, applied himself 
 faithfully to the necessary preparation. Some 
 time later his ambition for preferment seemed to 
 have deserted him. 
 
 "What is the matter, Pat?" asked his for- 
 mer employer. "Couldn't you pass the ex- 
 amination? " 
 
 "I could that," he replied. "I answered 
 every question on the paper. But," he added, 
 his native wit coming to his rescue, "I guess 
 they thought I knew too much to be wastin' me 
 time washin' windies."
 
 56 Wit ano "tbumor 
 
 The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about 
 a Presbyterian minister who had a young son, a 
 lad about ten years of age. He was endeavor- 
 ing to bring him up in the way he should go, 
 and was one day asked by a friend what he in- 
 tended to make of him. In reply he said : 
 
 ''I am watching the indications. I have a 
 plan which I propose trying with the boy. It is 
 this : I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, 
 an apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going 
 to leave the room and call in the boy. I am 
 going to watch him from some convenient place 
 without letting him know that he is seen. 
 Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shall make a 
 preacher of him ; if he takes the apple, a farmer 
 he shall be ; but if he chooses the dollar, I will 
 make him a business man." 
 
 The plan was carried out. The arrangements 
 were made and the boy called in from his play. 
 After a little while the preacher and his wife softly 
 entered the room. There was the youngster. 
 He was seated on the Bible, in one hand was 
 the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, 
 and in the other he clasped the silver dollar. 
 The good man turned to his consort. " Wife," 
 he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a 
 politician of him."
 
 ct american Statesmen -.7 
 
 Soon after the first inauguration of Governor 
 Seward, as Chief Magistrate of New York, 
 Virus W. Smith, then and for many years after- 
 wards a potential man in the Whig party of 
 Onondaga County, wrote to Mr. Thurlow Weed, 
 requesting him to call upon the Governor and 
 ask him to appoint a certain man as India:. 
 Agent for the Onondaga tribe of Indians. The 
 person recommended was well known to Mr. 
 Weed as one of those meddlesome fellow-, 
 whose only power is a power for mischief. He 
 was therefore surprised at Mr. Smith's urging 
 him for the position. Next day Mr. • 
 mentioned the matter to the Governor (who was 
 equally cognizant of the man's character) and 
 remarked that he had answered the letter, and 
 that action for the present would be delayed. 
 It was thought that this would bring Mr. Smith 
 to Albany to look after the matter, as it did. 
 On arriving he promptly called upon Mr. Weed, 
 who expostulated with him as to the character 
 of his candidate. •• Nevertheless," sai<: 
 ''if you make it a point that he must have the 
 place, why have it he must." 
 
 "Well, Mr. Weed, 1 am very anxious alwut 
 it." 
 
 " But you know what a bad fellow he is." 
 
 "Can't help it, he's my man."
 
 58 Tftlit anfc Ibumot 
 
 "But can't you give some reason for your 
 urgency? " 
 
 " No," replied Mr. Smith, "Ido not care to 
 do that." 
 
 " But the Governor thinks badly of this fellow, 
 and certainly some explanation is due to him." 
 
 "Well, it's something I don't wish to talk 
 about." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 1 ' Do you really want to know ? ' ' 
 
 "Certainly." 
 
 "Then if you insist upon it, I'll tell you. 
 You know there are among the Onondagas two 
 parties, the Christians and the pagans ? ' ' 
 
 "lam aware of it." 
 
 "Well, my man is a leetle in favor of the 
 Christians. The pagans have found that out, 
 and what is more they have agreed among them- 
 selves that the moment he comes among them 
 they'll kill him." 
 
 When L. Q. C. Lamar was made Secretary 
 of the Interior, nearly every young man who 
 had known him in Mississippi went to Washing- 
 ton to get a job. Among the number was John 
 Youngblood, editor of the Oxford Globe, who 
 called at Mr. Lamar's office on the eighth day
 
 of Bmerican Statesmen 59 
 
 of March, 1885. The Secretary was of course 
 glad to see him. Youngblood had once been 
 Mr. Lamar's private secretary. He expected 
 something big, but a clerkship only was tendered 
 him, and this he declined. 
 
 Time wore on and Youngblood, in common 
 parlance went broke. Could his old friend Mr. 
 Lamar let him have $50? Mr. Lamar could 
 and did. Two weeks more ; could his old 
 friend Colonel Lamar let him have a hundred 
 while he was waiting to be placed ? Again Mr. 
 Lamar could and did. A month rolled by. 
 Youngblood' s board bill was due. He had to 
 live while waiting, and he knew no one else in 
 Washington except his old friend from Oxford. 
 His board bill was settled. The next day he 
 called again and wanted to be accommodated. 
 He was. 
 
 After Youngblood went out Mr. Lamar turned 
 to Colonel Muldrow, his assistant, and said : 
 " See here, Henry: Youngblood has got to get 
 away from Washington. Find some place for 
 him. Both of us can't live on $8,000 a year." 
 
 The next morning Youngblood was made 
 Superintendent of the Arizona schools. 
 
 The colored friend and brother frequently
 
 60 XUtt ano IDuntor 
 
 rises to the great occasion. Recently one of 
 these applied to a gentleman for a certificate of 
 character by which he might be able to get a 
 position in the government service. The testi- 
 monial was so unexpectedly complimentary, and 
 set forth Sambo's qualifications in such glowing 
 terms, that turning to the gentleman he said, 
 "Look heah, Mr. Wilson, can't you gib me 
 somethin' to do yourself on dat recommenda- 
 tion?" 
 
 The story is told that not long since a certain 
 man desired to obtain the position of janitor 
 of the police court for the district which com- 
 prises Salem, Peabody, and Beverly, Mass. 
 He started out with a petition for his appoint- 
 ment and solicited the signature of the lawyers 
 of his district. At last he found one who re- 
 monstrated against the circulation of a petition 
 upon what seemed to him a trivial matter, but 
 was silenced by the declaration that "Salem 
 has the judge, Peabody has the clerk, and it is 
 no more than fair that Beverly should have the 
 janitor." 
 
 A day or two before the assembling of a cer- 
 tain Republican National Convention at Cincin-
 
 ot American Statesmen 61 
 
 nati, Senator Jones of Nevada gave a little 
 dinner to several of his brother Senators and a 
 few members of the House who happened to be 
 at Cincinnati on Convention business. Senator 
 Jones was desirous of ascertaining "how the 
 land lay," but his guests were very wary in re- 
 plying to his queries. Finally, he addressed 
 the Senator from Illinois: "Well, General 
 Logan, who is your candidate? " 
 
 " Sir," replied the swarthy Senator, " I am 
 for the best and bravest man ' ' 
 
 Before he could finish the sentence up spicing 
 Senator Anthony of Rhode Island, who, with a 
 twinkle of the eye turned to General Logan and 
 said, "Really, General, I positively decline; 
 under no circumstances could I accept the nom- 
 ination." 
 
 General Logan did not finish the sentence. 
 
 When Mr. Putnam was the head of the Pub- 
 lic Library in Boston a ward leader of that city 
 called on him to recommend a henchman for a 
 place in the library. 
 
 There was no reason why the librarian should 
 not have refused at once and peremptorily to 
 appoint him, but he chose to follow another 
 course.
 
 62 TOlit anfc Dumor 
 
 After a few minutes' talk with the politician, 
 Mr. Putnam asked him whether he had ever been 
 through all the departments of the institution. 
 
 " I never have, but I'd like to see it," replied 
 the politician. 
 
 " It will give me much pleasure to go with 
 you," said Mr. Putnam. 
 
 Mr. Putnam took him behind the counters 
 and through the building from top to bottom, 
 explaining the character and the magnitude of 
 the work in detail. He further pointed out, 
 without seeming to do so, the varied duties of 
 the employees and the attainments they must 
 possess to do the work. When the tour was 
 ended, Mr. Putnam said : 
 
 "I'm pleased to have had a chance to show 
 the library to you, and if your friend will fill out 
 an application blank and send it in, and if he 
 passes the necessary examination, I think there 
 will be no difficulty in placing his name on the 
 waiting list." 
 
 The politician, however, had seen enough of 
 library work to convince him that his constituent 
 could find no place on the staff, and the blank 
 was never filled out. But to the day he left 
 Boston, Mr. Putnam had no warmer admirer in 
 that city than this same ward leader.
 
 ot Smetican Statesmen t« 
 
 People sometimes obtain work from Uncle 
 Sam in peculiar ways. Not so very long ago a 
 "poetess of passion" in a far Western State 
 became an office seeker, adopting a novel 
 method of pursuing her object. She appealed 
 to a United States Senator, bombarding him 
 with poetry by mail. Once a week regularly he 
 received from her a long letter in the shape of a 
 poem. Sometimes he got two a week. The 
 poetry was probably the worst that any poetess 
 of passion has ever produced. At first he paid 
 no attention to it, but at length it began to prey 
 upon his mind. He found that it was keep- 
 ing him awake nights, and when this sort of 
 thing had gone on for five or six months, he be- 
 came desperate. So finally, he wrote to her 
 saying : "Your poems have proved to me that 
 you are unfit for any public office. Neverthe- 
 less, if you will cease writing and sending them 
 to me, I will get you a job." And he did. 
 
 It is not likely that the next Administration 
 will let any particularly fat office in the depart- 
 ments fall to the lot of a colored politician. 
 Nevertheless there is a long list of sable citizens 
 who fancy they enjoy a stout " pull " and who 
 are or will be applicants for positions of author-
 
 64 limit ano Ibumor 
 
 ity. The story of an application made to 
 Senator Blackburn by an old negro from Ken- 
 tucky portrays the eagerness to secure something 
 from the Government, whatever form the prize 
 may take. The Senator was one day informed 
 that " Old Mose " had arrived from Woodford 
 County, Kentucky, and was waiting to consult 
 with him privately on " er 'portant mattah." 
 
 • ' Well, Moses, ' ' began Senator Blackburn, as 
 the grinning African was ushered into his 
 presence, " what brings you to Washington? " 
 
 " Mars' Joe," replied Mose impressively, " I'se 
 got 'portant bus'ness, sah. I wants er orfice." 
 
 ' « You want an office ! Why, Mose, what can 
 you do ? " 
 
 "Do, Mars' Joe? What does everybody do 
 dat's got er orfice? Bless yer heart, Mars' 
 Joe, yer don't un'erstand ole Mose. I hain't 
 lookin' fo' work, sah; I only wants er orfice." 
 
 Senator Blackburn with as much seriousness 
 as he could command assured Mose that he was 
 powerless to assist him to an "orfice," but that 
 he might provide employment in some private 
 concern. Old Mose's face fell, but soon bright- 
 ened again. 
 
 " Well, Mars' Joe," said he hopefully, " ef ye 
 kain't git er orfice fo' me, sah, jes' hustle eroun' 
 an' git me er pension. I ain't at all 'tickler, sah."
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 Hayseed Politics 
 
 The "man up a tree," has been located at 
 last. He has been generally presumed to be a 
 hypothetical personage, but he is not. His 
 name is Hulitt Hazewell, and he lives in Wind* 
 ham County, Connecticut, where he was born a 
 good many years ago. His house is hard to get 
 at, but is not unpleasant. It is built in the 
 forks of an immense old chestnut-tree, and is 
 twenty feet above the earth. It has a shingled 
 roof and clapboarded sides and contains three 
 small rooms. A ladder leads up to the front 
 door, and another ladder leads down inside the 
 tree, which is hollow, to a cellar beneath the 
 roots. 
 
 Hazewell affirms that he likes his strange 
 habitation better than ordinary houses. It is 
 sheltered from the sun and rain in summer by 
 the surrounding foliage, and in winter it is 
 above the snow and the branches protect it 
 from the cold winds. Before he went to live 
 there Hulitt suffered greatly from ague, but he 
 6ry
 
 66 Tiiait ano "Ibumor 
 
 never since has had a symptom of the disease. 
 He makes friends of the birds and the squirrels 
 and cares for no other company, but is quite 
 happy and not of a morose disposition, though 
 he is certainly an odd character. 
 
 His oddness is inherited. His father lost his 
 reason trying to invent a perpetual motion ma- 
 chine, but Hulitt never wasted time on things 
 like that. He is a shoemaker and has a snug 
 bank account, besides owning the farm on which 
 the queer dwelling-place is located. He has 
 lived in this tree for twenty-five years, and dur- 
 ing all that time has not looked into a newspaper 
 or manifested any interest in current news. 
 
 Hazewell's selection of his dwelling-place was 
 the result of a rash anti-election promise. It 
 was during the Grant-Seymour campaign of 
 1868. Hazewell was a Democrat, and whooped 
 things up for Seymour. The postmaster was a 
 Republican, and talked as strongly for Grant. 
 The two men had many an ardent discussion, 
 and at the close of an argument one day the 
 postmaster said he'd be darned if he wouldn't 
 leave the country if Seymour were elected. 
 
 "Well," said Hazewell, "I won't leave the 
 country, but if Grant is elected I'll climb a tree 
 and stay there." 
 
 Grant was elected, and Hazewell climbed his
 
 oX Bmencan Statesmen 67 
 
 tree, and there he has lived the life of a hermit 
 ever since, only coming down to do his farm 
 work and transact other necessary business. 
 
 During the session of the Territorial Legisla- 
 ture of Montana held several years ago a meas- 
 ure was introduced which involved grave con- 
 stitutional questions, as it seemed to some. 
 One rural orator declaimed quite fiercely 
 against it, urging that it was clearly in opposi- 
 tion to the great principles of the Magna Charta 
 which the brave barons in days of old had 
 wrested from King John. Judge D , evi- 
 dently looking upon this daring flight of his 
 colleague as a studied " stunner," rose immedi- 
 ately to reply, determined to show that he for 
 one was not to be overwhelmed by high-sound- 
 ing words or obscure allusions. Plunging at 
 once into his subject he declared with much 
 vigor that it was time for the legislative bodies of 
 Montana to think and act for themselves without 
 reference to the opinions or principles of King 
 John and his man McCarty. 
 
 A few years ago, in a certain New England 
 town, which is blessed with a college, the
 
 68 Wit anD fmmot 
 
 " Fourth " was celebrated with becoming spirit. 
 The Declaration of Independence was read by 
 one of the college students, and at the close of 
 the reading a somewhat pompous but not over 
 well-informed farmer turning to a by-stander re- 
 marked : 
 
 " That young man is a mighty smart fellow, 
 and made a splendid speech. How he did give 
 it to Old England ! " 
 
 " Once when I was making my first race for 
 Congress," remarked a veteran statesman of the 
 Lower House, " I had to make a village about ten 
 miles from a railroad. I drove over in the hack 
 that carried the mail and such unfortunates as had 
 to go to the town, and as I was the only passen- 
 ger I took a seat by the driver and let him enter- 
 tain me. We hadn't gone more than half a 
 mile till I began questioning him about the visi- 
 tors to that section, and as he didn't know who 
 I was he talked quite freely. 
 
 " ' You don't have many passengers, do you ? ' 
 said I. 
 
 "'Not as a rule/ said he, 'but I had two 
 day before yistiddy.' 
 
 " 'Who were they ? ' 
 
 " 'One of 'em was a candidate for Congress
 
 ot Bmerican Statesmen 69 
 
 tryin' to git votes outen the county, and 
 t'other'n was a candidate for the penitensherry 
 tryin' to git hosses outen the county.' 
 
 "'Ah,' said I, 'what became of them?' 
 for I was afraid one of my opponents was on the 
 warpath. 
 
 "'Well we've got one of 'em in jail and 
 t'other'n plumb vamoosed the ranch.' 
 
 "This was rather out of the ordinary, but I 
 wanted to know more, and especially who the 
 horse thief was, so I asked the name of the man 
 in jail. 
 
 " ' One of 'em was named Smith,' he said in- 
 nocently, ' and t'other'n's name was Morris, 
 but I'm dinged ef I know which un got 
 away.' " 
 
 An incident that has probably never appeared 
 in print was related by Schuyler Colfax regarding 
 Abraham Lincoln. It was during the dark days 
 of 1863, on the evening of a public reception 
 given at the White House. The foreign le- 
 gations were there gathered about the Presi- 
 dent. 
 
 A young English nobleman was just being 
 presented to the President. Inside the door, 
 evidently overawed by the splendid assemblage,
 
 70 Wiit ano Ibumor 
 
 was an honest-faced old farmer who shrank 
 from the passing crowd until he and the plain- 
 faced old lady clinging to his arm were pressed 
 back to the wall. The President, tall and in a 
 measure stately in his personal presence, looking 
 over the heads of the assembly said to the Eng- 
 lish nobleman : " Excuse me, my Lord, there's 
 an old friend of mine." 
 
 Passing backward to the door Mr. Lincoln 
 said as he grasped the old farmer's hand : 
 "Why, John, I'm glad to see you. I haven't 
 seen you since you and I made rails for old Mrs. 
 
 in Sangamon County in 1847. How are 
 
 you ? ' ' 
 
 The old man turned to his wife with quivering 
 lip, and without replying to the President's saluta- 
 tion said: "Mother, he's just the same Old 
 Abe." 
 
 The story is told that the late R. B. Hayes 
 had for a neighbor in Ohio a testy old fellow 
 who ran a small truck farm. He was honest 
 and upright, and Mr. Hayes held him in high 
 esteem, notwithstanding his lack of the social 
 amenities and respect for persons. On one of 
 his visits to Ohio during the presidency, he 
 passed the old man's farm and found him plant-
 
 of american Statesmen 71 
 
 ing potatoes in a patch near the road. The 
 President, being somewhat of a farmer himself, 
 noticed some peculiarity in his neighbor's style 
 of planting, and after a few minutes ' chat, he 
 called attention to it, and the old man argued 
 the point awhile. 
 
 "After all," concluded the President, "I 
 don't think you are doing it as it should be 
 done for the best results." 
 
 The old farmer rested his arm on the fence, 
 and looked steadily at Mr. Hayes. 
 
 "They ain't neither one of us," he said, 
 " above havin' fault found with us ; but ef you 
 just go on presidentin' the United States your 
 way, an' I go on plantin' pertaters my way, 1 
 guess we won't be no wuss off in the end." 
 
 Mr. Hayes accepted the suggestion pleasantly 
 and passed on. 
 
 There's a good story about a rural member of 
 the Wisconsin Legislature. The old man was 
 elected to the State Senate from one of the lumber 
 counties, and was proud of the honor. When 
 the Legislature met in Madison, Senator Blank 
 was daily in his seat before the time for calling 
 the Senate to order, and spread the Madison 
 Journal before him to read the news of the day.
 
 12 IRHit ano Ibumor 
 
 One morning after the chaplain's prayer while 
 the Clerk of the Senate was reading the journal 
 of the proceedings of the previous day, a gentle- 
 man arose and said : 
 
 "Mr. President, I move to dispense with the 
 reading of the journal." Senator Blank quietly 
 folded his Madison Journal, arose and said : 
 
 " Mr. President I move also to dispense with 
 the reading of the Times, the Inter- Ocean, and 
 all other papers. There should be no distinction 
 against the Journal.'" 
 
 It was at a banquet in Washington, given to a 
 large body of Congressmen, mostly from the 
 rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it 
 was a scene of fairy splendor, so to speak ; but 
 on one table there were no decorations but palm 
 leaves. 
 
 1 ' Here, ' ' said a Congressman to the head 
 waiter, " why don't you put them things on our 
 tables too ? " pointing to the plants. 
 
 The head waiter didn't know he was a Con- 
 gressman. 
 
 "We cain't do it, boss," he whispered con- 
 fidentially ; " dey's mostly Congressmen at all de 
 tables 'ceptin' dat one, an' if we put pa'ms on 
 dere tables dey take um for celery an' eat um
 
 of Bmencan Statesmen 73 
 
 all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We 
 knows 'em." 
 
 ****** 
 
 " Even a statesman is picked up sometimes," 
 remarked the Congressman to a crowd of 
 listeners. "On one occasion I was going over 
 my district to get posted, and in my rambles I 
 ran across an old fellow away up on the head 
 waters of a creek. He was hoeing corn in a 
 field near the road, and I stopped to talk with 
 him. 
 
 " 'Good -morning,' I said pleasantly. 
 
 " ' Morning,' he responded, but never stopped 
 his hoeing. 
 
 " * Right nice looking field,' I remarked. 
 
 " ' Might be wuss,' he replied, still hoeing. 
 
 "'Excuse me,' I ventured, 'but I'm the 
 member of Congress from this district.' 
 
 " ' Air you ? ' he asked, still hoeing. ' I voted 
 for you.' 
 
 " ' I'm much obliged, I'm sure,' I said, ' I'm 
 up here now taking a look over the country/ 
 
 " 'Well, I hain't no objection,' he said, still 
 hoeing, ' ef you don't take nothin' else,' and he 
 looked at me so suspiciously that I bade him 
 good-day and rode on." 
 
 ****** 
 
 In Portland, Maine, they tell a good story
 
 74 Wit ano "Ibumor 
 
 about Senator Eugene Hale and Governor 
 Henry B. Cleaves. They were billed to speak 
 in an interior village one evening, and forced to 
 ride quite a distance in a stage coach. The stage 
 was of the genuine old fashion, and the driver 
 was of the typical sort, ready to do anything for 
 accommodation. On this occasion a part of the 
 freight put on top of the stage was a crate con- 
 taining two calves, each about four weeks old. 
 They made the night resonant with their bleat- 
 ing as the stage trundled over the rough country 
 roads. At last they drew up at a little village 
 post-office, and an old gentleman came hobbling 
 out to meet the driver and exchange a word 
 with him. The bleating of the calves kept up 
 and the old gentleman looked u^ quizzically at 
 the driver and said: "Well, Dan, you've 
 got your speakers on top of the stage to-night, I 
 see." The roar of laughter that followed from 
 the interior of the coach startled the old gentle- 
 man, and when the familiar features of the 
 Republican candidate for Governor smiled out 
 at the half open door, he fled inside the post- 
 office, covered with confusion. 
 
 H= ^ >fc * * * 
 
 Last winter in Washington an Indiana man 
 of some prominence in his county politics, but 
 withal a good deal of a yap, met a number of
 
 of Bmcncan statesmen 
 
 statesmen and on better su quaintant e he joined 
 them one night in the national game. 
 
 He hung to it nobly for several hours, and 
 went to his boarding house a fman< ial mreck. 
 
 The next night with a reimbursed exchequer, 
 he tackled the game again, and went to his 
 boarding house after it was over in much the 
 same fix as the previous night. 
 
 The third night he went after it again, and 
 the statesmen were tickled beyond expression by 
 the soft mark that the gods had put in their 
 path, and the Hoosier went to his 
 house feeling no better because he was getting 
 used to it. 
 
 On the fourth night he was there again, but 
 he refused to take his place at the board when 
 called. 
 
 "Come on/' coaxed the hungry crowd. 
 " Nice half dollars for entrees and jack-DOtS for 
 dessert. Come on." 
 
 ■• No, gentlemen," he said with a firm 
 of Ins head ami a new grip on hisp 
 $i no more for me, thanks. 1 may be from 
 Indiana, but I'm no d d fool in other re- 
 spects." 
 
 ****** 
 
 One day, said a member of Congress, I was 
 away off in one of the back counties of n.\
 
 76 IWlit ano Ibumor 
 
 trict, repairing fences and doing some mission- 
 ary work incidental to the campaign, when I 
 saw a woman sitting on the roadside watching a 
 man splitting rails a hundred feet further up the 
 hill. 
 
 " Good-morning," I said, stopping my horse. 
 
 She returned the salutation, and the man kept 
 on with his work. 
 
 "Stranger in these parts?" she inquired, 
 after I had made a few inquiries as to health, 
 crops, and other matters of interest to a man 
 when he is a candidate. 
 
 "Partly," I replied; "I live in one of the 
 lower counties." 
 
 " Air you a drummer? " she asked. 
 
 I laughed. 
 
 " Do I look like one? " I asked. 
 
 " No, not egsactly ; more like a preacher." 
 
 "But I'm not," and I laughed again. 
 
 " I knowed it," she said, confidently. 
 
 "How?" 
 
 "Preachers don't pack their bottles in their 
 outside pockets," she remarked, sententiously. 
 
 I took mine out somewhat guiltily, and 
 handed it to her. 
 
 "Oh, Bill," she called to the man splitting 
 rails. 
 
 " Who is he? " inquired William.
 
 of Bmcrican Statesmen 77 
 
 She turned to me before answering. 
 
 " What do ye do for a livin' ? " she asked. 
 
 "I'm a member of Congress," I said, blush- 
 ing at my own greatness. 
 
 She gave a long, low whistle. 
 
 "Bill," she called, to the man up the lull, 
 "he don't do nothin' fer a livin' ; he's a mem- 
 ber of Congress." William came down the 
 hill, and there were three drinks less in the 
 bottle as I rode on. 
 
 One of the best men in Stafford County, Va., 
 was running for Supervisor of the county, and 
 as usual when a really good man runs for office, 
 there was a vigorous opposition to him. Some 
 of it was expected, but when one ignorant, but 
 influential old fellow came out against the candi- 
 date, the friends of both parties were surprised, 
 and one of the candidates' supporters immedi- 
 ately went to see the old man. 
 
 "Is it actually true that you are against our 
 man for Supervisor?" asked the friend when 
 he had led up to the point. 
 
 "In course I am," responded the old man 
 firmly. 
 
 " But he is one of the best men in the whole 
 county," argued the friend.
 
 78 matt ano Ibumoc 
 
 "I ain't doubting that at all, only I can't 
 vote fer him." 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 " 'Cause I won't vote fer no man under them 
 circumstances." 
 
 "Under what circumstances?" inquired the 
 friend in the greatest astonishment, for up to 
 that time no "circumstances" had appeared in 
 the campaign. 
 
 "Why, wantin' two offices at once, like he 
 does," explained the kicker. "I'm willing to 
 vote fer him for Super, but I'll be derned ef 
 I'm goin' to vote fer him fer Visor, and you can 
 tell him so ef you want to." 
 
 Thereupon the friend of the candidate organ- 
 ized an individual educational campaign, and 
 by delicate diplomacy brought the old man up 
 to the trough in good shape. 
 
 ****** 
 
 There is a good story about Mr. J. Sterling 
 Morton illustrating his free-trade tendency. He 
 was talking to an audience of farmers one day, 
 and he related a dream which had come to him 
 the night before, when as it seemed to him he 
 was in the lower regions. Everything and 
 everybody were burning except a number of 
 bodies hanging in a row. He asked his Sa- 
 tanic Majesty why these bodies were not com-
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 79 
 
 bustible. "Oh," was the reply, "they are 
 
 some farmers who did not know enough I 
 
 for tariff reform, and they are actually too green 
 
 to burn." 
 
 A mountain member of the Kentucky I 
 lature had fallen into the hands of the Leg 
 tive wags. He couldn't make a sj>ee< h, and of 
 course they were not to be satisfied until they 
 had forced him to make an attempt at it. The 
 occasion finally came, when in response to a 
 unanimous call he took the floor. 
 
 "Mr. Speaker," he said, in a shaking \ 
 u I don't know how to make a speech. 1 never 
 made one in my life, and as I stand here I 
 this distinguished body now, my pants are rat- 
 tling like the leaves of the forests," and at this 
 point his trembling knees gave way under him 
 and he sank into his (hair. 
 
 It is characteristic of a government like ours 
 that its representative assemblies should include 
 some men whose vocabulary must be se\ 
 strained to equal that of their better-edw 
 fellow-members. From the Princeton R 
 we glean a few rich specimens of legislative 
 mistakes :
 
 80 1Utt and Ibumor 
 
 On one occasion a pugnacious member of the 
 majority in a certain Legislature listened as long 
 as he could to the attack of a minority member 
 upon his party, and then broke out with, " I 
 warn the member on the minority side of the 
 House that he shall not dare to come in here 
 and shake his shibboleth over our heads." The 
 leader of the majority was pained that such a 
 mistake had been made, and knowing well him- 
 self the difference between shibboleths and 
 shillalahs, he strode up to the member and ex- 
 claimed : " Confound the likes of ye ! Don't 
 you know enough to hold your tongue ? Why 
 do you put on foreign airs? You don't know 
 the Alpha and Omega of your own language." 
 
 Another member spoke thus of a bill : ' ' Mr. 
 Speaker, this is a party bill, and I ask my party 
 friends to stand by me and help me to pass it." 
 
 On another occasion, when the Assembly 
 showed signs of weariness, he announced : 
 " Mr. Speaker, I will now withdraw all my 
 further remarks on this bill." 
 
 A third member commenced to speak against 
 a bill affecting some of his property: "Mr. 
 Speaker, I arose in a quasi capacity." Here a 
 colleague pulled his coat-tail. The member 
 shook him off, and began again : " I arose in 
 a quasi capacity." Again came a jerk at his
 
 of amcrtcan Statesmen 8i 
 
 
 coat-tail, and in a hoarse whisper the coUeag 
 was heard to say : ''Whist! come off wi<l ye; 
 Greek ! " 
 
 Still another member delivered himself thus 
 on the question of contract labor in the 
 prisons: "This is the vital cobra of de 
 tion that is stamping out the lives of the work- 
 ingman in this state ! " 
 
 Another rural legislator induced his friend, a 
 lawyer, to present his name for delegate to one 
 of the great conventions. 
 
 "Give me a goud send-off,'' said he I 
 friend. " You know what to say, of course, 
 and put it on strong. I can stand it. I've 
 found out that unless things are put 00 strong 
 in these days the crowd don't hook on in 
 shape." 
 
 So the lawyer arose at the proper time and he 
 "put it on strong." And the peroration went 
 something like this : 
 
 "Gentlemen, the man whom I present to 
 your attention to-day has been bred and reared 
 in the sacred association of that old town ; he 
 has imbibed the traditions of the honor and in- 
 tegrity and good citizenship that have come 
 down there from father to son, and those 1* 
 of youth and manhood have followed him Into 
 all his walks of life. And to-day, gentlemen,
 
 82 imit ano tDumcr 
 
 lie stands before you as one of the most striking 
 types of genus homo that you can find in all 
 Maine." 
 
 Well, the man was nominated, but 
 
 Just as soon as the convention adjourned the 
 candidate came hurrying over to where his 
 friend the lawyer was struggling into his coat. 
 
 • ' What sort of a throw-down are you trying 
 to give me, anyway?" he cried. ''That's a 
 nice way to use a friend. Joking is all right 
 among friends over a quart of Mount Vernon 
 or something of the kind, but it don't go on the 
 floor of a convention, not for a minute." 
 
 "What are you trying to get through you ? " 
 asked the lawyer. 
 
 "I'm calling you down, that's what I am 
 doing." 
 
 " For heaven's sake, what for ? " 
 
 11 For standing up there, cuss ye, and calling 
 me a genuine hobo. Don't you ever work any 
 more gags of that kind on me ! "
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 Jacksoniana 
 
 Power over men was an attribute of genius 
 which General Jackson possessed in a large 
 measure. While conducting his campaign 
 against the Creeks in Alabama, the privations 
 and hardships the raw levies had to endure 
 were too much for a company of Tennesseeans. 
 They mutinied, declared their intention of re- 
 turning home, and set out, every man with his 
 arms. The General lay on a sick-bed in his 
 tent, but hearing of the revolt, sprang up, 
 dressed, ordered his horse, and picking up the 
 first gun in his way, started on a gallop, alone, 
 after the disaffected ones. Overtaking and 
 passing them, he wheeled his horse, and pre 
 senting his gun as he swept the line, with his 
 stern and fiery glance, he shouted, " Back to 
 your duty. I'll blow out the brains of the first 
 man that dares to move a step forward I 
 Wheel, march ! " The men cowered under his 
 eye, hesitated a moment, then obeyed his order, 
 wheeled and returned to camp, the General t'ol 
 83
 
 84 TIGUt ano tmmor 
 
 lowing. When they had entered the lines and 
 stood in the presence of the whole force, the 
 General came around in front, alighted, threw 
 his gun on the ground, and said loud enough to 
 be heard by all, "That old gun had no lock in 
 it." 
 
 Another anecdote in similar vein exhibits his 
 fertility of resource. Riding along a wilderness 
 road between Knoxville and Nashville, he en- 
 countered two burly wagoners, who ordered 
 him to get out of his carriage and dance for 
 them. Feigning simplicity, he said he could 
 not dance without his pumps, which were in a 
 trunk strapped behind the carriage. They told 
 him to get his slippers, accompanying the per- 
 mission with oaths and ribaldry. He opened 
 his trunk, seized a pair of pistols lying there 
 and with one in each hand confronted the 
 ruffians. "Now," said he, with that awful 
 flash of the eye, before which armies had 
 quailed, "you impudent scoundrels, dance for 
 me! Dance! dance!" And he kept them 
 dancing at a lively rate until he thought them 
 sufficiently punished, when he dismissed them, 
 first giving them a moral lecture, delivered with 
 energy, in a language they could understand.
 
 of Smertcan Statesmen 
 
 In conversation with the French minister one 
 day, Jackson used the word development, with 
 a strong accent on the third syllable. Monbieur 
 le Ministre elevated his eyebrows slightly, said 
 nothing, but a few sentences further on used the 
 word again, pronouncing it correctly. The 
 President took no notice of this and having oc- 
 casion to use the word again pronounced it de- 
 velopment. Again the fastidious diplomat gave 
 it its correct accent. No notice was taken of 
 the impolite correction. "I repeat it, Mon- 
 sieur," continued the President — "this measure 
 is essential to the develop'ment of our resoun es." 
 " Really, sir," said the minister, " I consider the 
 development of your country," with a marked 
 accent on the vel. Upon which the General 
 said, " Excuse me, Monsieur, you may call it 
 development, if you please, but I say develop'- 
 ment, and I will say develop'ment as long 1 
 revere the memory of good old Dr. Waddell," 
 (a famous schoolmaster of South Carolina). 
 * * * • * * 
 
 No sooner had Jackson entered his head- 
 quarters in the town of New Orleans, than he 
 appointed a new aide-de-camp, Edward Liv- 
 ingston. After a review of the city's militia, 
 such as they were, the new aide-de-camp in- 
 vited the General to dinner. Mrs. Livingston
 
 8C "TOt ano ttmmor 
 
 had asked a few ladies to dine with her that 
 day, and we are told that she received the an- 
 nouncement of the honor intended her with 
 some dismay, for she knew nothing of Jackson 
 except that he was a great fighter of the Indians. 
 " What shall we do with this wild General from 
 Tennessee ? ' ' whispered the ladies to one an- 
 other, as they sat awaiting his entrance. But 
 when he came in, perfectly composed, an erect, 
 bronzed figure, in uniform of coarse blue cloth 
 and yellow buckskin, his high boots flapping 
 loosely, he seemed to the ladies the very ideal 
 of the veteran warrior. He gave them one of 
 those magnificent bows for which he was after- 
 wards noted, and behaved with a mingled grace 
 and dignity that astonished the ladies as much 
 as it delighted them. What surprised them 
 most was "the society tone " of his conversa- 
 tion. He begged the ladies, as he rose to take 
 his leave, not to give themselves the least con- 
 cern about the safety of the city. "I am con- 
 fident," said he, " of being able to defend it." 
 When he was finally out of hearing, and the 
 ladies found themselves alone, they gathered 
 around the hostess, saying : 
 
 "Is this your backwoodsman? Why, 
 madam, he is a prince."
 
 of american Statesmen 
 
 Senator Ogle, a member of the Pennsyh 
 
 Assembly, had been deputed to compose an ad- 
 dress to the newly elected President, Andrew 
 Jackson. When the bluff old warrior submitted 
 his document to the House, a fellow-member, .1 
 dapper little fellow from Philadelphia, observed : 
 
 " Pardon me, General, I hesitate about ma- 
 king any suggestion to so distinguished an in- 
 dividual ; but I cannot refrain from saying that 
 it is customary with cultured letter-writers to 
 write the first personal pronoun with a capital 
 1 1 ' instead of a small ' i.' " 
 
 General Ogle returned a look of scorn. 
 "Sir," said he, "when I write to so great a 
 man as Gen. Andrew Jackson, Democratic 
 President of the United States, I abase myself. 
 I abase myself, sir. I use as small an ' i ' as I 
 can put upon paper. But. sir, if ever I should 
 have to write to a little snipe like you, I would 
 use an 'I,' sir, that would fill two pagi 
 foolscap." 
 
 A conversation said to have occurred in a 
 New York omnibus, between an ami J 
 broker and a Democratic merchant, reveals 
 much of the verdict of the people upon the char- 
 acter of Andrew Jackson.
 
 88 *Mit ano "tbumor 
 
 Merchant (with a sigh). "Well, the old 
 General is dead." 
 
 Broker (with a shrug). "Yes, he's gone at 
 last." 
 
 Merchant (not appreciating the shrug). 
 " Well, sir, he was a good man." 
 
 Broker (with shrug more pronounced). " I 
 don't know about that." 
 
 Merchant (energetically). "He was a good 
 man, sir. If any man has gone to heaven, 
 General Jackson has gone to heaven." 
 
 Broker (doggedly). "I don't know about 
 that." 
 
 Merchant. " Well, sir, I tell you that if An- 
 drew Jackson had made up his mind to go to 
 heaven, you may depend upon it he's there."
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 Where Woman Appears 
 
 President Lincoln was busily engaged in 
 his office when an attendant, a young man of 
 sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him 
 a card. Without rising, the President glanced 
 at the card. "Pshaw. She here again? I 
 told her last week that I could not interfere in 
 her case. I cannot see her," he said impa- 
 tiently. " Get rid of her any way you i .in. 
 Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like." 
 
 Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent 
 room, this exceedingly bright boy said to lu-r, 
 " The President told me to tell you that he is 
 asleep. ' ' 
 
 The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, 
 "Ah, he says he is asleep, eh? Well, tri] 
 be kind enough to return and ask him when he- 
 intends to wake up? " 
 
 A funny story is told in the Senate of the 
 mistake made by a member of that body At the 
 89
 
 90 Wiit ano Ibumor 
 
 time of Gen. Anson McCook's marriage some 
 half-dozen years ago. Senator Dolph under- 
 took to get up a subscription for a suitable 
 wedding present, and offering the paper to one 
 of his colleagues who was somewhat deaf, ex- 
 plained the case and asked for what amount he 
 might put his name down in the list. The Sen- 
 ator from Oregon was somewhat nonplussed 
 and considerably nettled to meet with a point- 
 blank refusal. The affair was the more inex- 
 plicable as the Senator of whom the contribu- 
 tion was desired was known to be a warm per- 
 sonal friend of General McCook. Later in the 
 day the situation was unconsciously explained 
 by the offending Senator, who remarked to a 
 group of his friends': "What the deuce do 
 you suppose Dolph means ? He came to me 
 to-day, and after telling me that his cook was 
 going to be married, actually asked me to con- 
 tribute for a wedding present ! " 
 
 When John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay 
 were at Ghent in 1 8 14 in association with Al- 
 bert Gallatin, James A. Bayard, and Jonathan 
 Russell, appointed to negotiate a treaty of peace 
 with Great Britain, they were on very intimate 
 terms of friendship, and occupied the same
 
 of Hmertcati statesmen 
 
 apartments. Mr. (lay was always a re 
 
 lant man, and in many rcsptt ;^ the very 
 
 site of Mr. Adams, who, though stud 
 
 polite to every lady, avoided even the ai 
 
 ance of familiarity. The young girl who ha< 
 
 charge of the rooms of the Peai 
 
 ers was very pretty and modest, and n 
 
 with great respect by all of them. B nt Mi 
 
 Clay would now and then indulge in compu' 
 
 ments to her beauty, and on one 
 
 fully solicited from her a kis>. I H 
 
 was refused the favor; but in relating the nu i- 
 
 dent to his associates lie could not forego a joke 
 
 on Mr. Adams, who had what are known as 
 
 watery or tear-suffused eyes. A-. Mr. CL 
 
 peated it, the conversation following the : 
 
 of the kiss ran as follows : 
 
 "I presume you would not deny Mr A 
 such a favor ? ' ' 
 
 "Indeed I would." ^he replied. "1 
 just done so, and left him with tears in 
 
 ****** 
 
 The popularity of Senator Call is enl 
 with the lower classes — the "cracker" c> 
 —who consider him the grr. rarth. 
 
 and will not vote for a legislative 
 less he agrees to support the Sen. • 
 election whenever his term runs out. •
 
 92 *Uiltt ano tmmor 
 
 Congress adjourns Mr. Call comes home, puts 
 on a gray hickory shirt, a pair of ragged 
 breeches, a coat with large holes at the elbows, 
 an old tan-colored, perspiration-stained slouch 
 hat, and gets into his sulky for an electioneering 
 tour through the State. 
 
 He travels over the sand hills and through the 
 pine forests, stopping at every cabin "to pass 
 the time of day." He kisses all the children, 
 asks for a "snack" to eat, and when the 
 farmer's wife offers him butter he always pre- 
 fers sorghum on his bread. When night over- 
 takes him he "puts up" at the nearest farm- 
 house, no matter how uninviting it may be, and 
 when he goes to bed holds out his ragged trous- 
 ers to his host and says : 
 
 " I snagged my pants in the brush to-day and 
 I'd be under everlasting obligations if your 
 good wife would mend them for me." 
 
 Of course the woman would sit up all night 
 to patch the garments of a United States Sena- 
 tor, and she puts in her prettiest stitches, but he 
 rips off the patch in a day or two and plays the 
 same game in the next county. The name of 
 the women in Florida who have mended Senator 
 Call's pants is legion, and it is the proudest 
 event in their lives.
 
 of American Statesmen 
 
 During the Forty-Sixth Congress, TaU 
 
 Maryland was called out of the House o;.- 
 by a lady who had forwarded a card to him. 
 When he reached the reception-room she came 
 rushing towards him, telling him her Dame, 
 exclaiming: "Mr. Talbot,] am from 
 land. I am forty-one years old and my ds 
 ter is twenty-one. Neither one of us h* 
 had a Government position." 
 
 " Madam," replied Mr. Talbot, " m what p.irt 
 of Maryland do you reside ? ' ' 
 
 She then gave her address in Baltimore. Mr 
 Talbot brightened up saving, " You are very 
 fortunate, madam. The Constitution of the 
 United States provides that ea» h 
 shall give either mother or daughter an 
 when the mother is forty-one and the daoghta 
 twenty-one years old, and that each district is 
 entitled to such a position. All the mfiiibfll 
 of the Maryland delegation have fillet! the 
 places allotted to them under this provision with 
 the exception of Colonel McLane, in I 
 district you reside. He has not availed hii 
 of this constitutional privilege. 
 Lane would be delighted to 
 you or youv daughter a place." 
 
 Mr. Talbot then returned to the chamber, 
 the same card went to Rep;-
 
 94 Wiit ano Ijumor 
 
 The old gentleman was absent about ten minutes. 
 When he returned he walked up to Mr. Talbot 
 and said : " Fred Talbot, you sent that woman 
 to me, and you know there is no constitutional 
 provision giving places to mother and daughter 
 whose ages aggregate sixty-two ! The worst of 
 it is that she insisted that I was deceiving her 
 when I assured her that she was mistaken. She 
 replied that Mr. Talbot was too nice a man to 
 lie!" 
 
 ****** 
 
 A Western member of Congress, who isn't 
 much on society, but whose wife is, came home 
 one afternoon in Washington and found her just 
 returning from a round of visits. 
 
 "Well, my dear," he inquired, "where have 
 you been to-day ? ' ' 
 
 "Out making party calls," she replied, with 
 very apparent satisfaction. 
 
 " Party calls? " he repeated in puzzled inter- 
 rogation. 
 
 " Yes, Colonel, party calls." 
 
 He studied over it for a minute. 
 
 "Now, look here, Maria," he said, earnestly, 
 " let up on that. You attend to society, and 
 leave the party to me. You don't know any- 
 thing about politics, even if you are in Wash- 
 ington with me, and if you get to doing any
 
 ot Hmerlcati statesmen 
 
 party work you'll make a tangle of it lore." 
 And then Maria gave the Colonel a laugh that 
 made him wonder what he was there tor. 
 ****** 
 When Jefferson was running tor election, great 
 fear of him was manifested among the Northern 
 Federalists, who firmly believed that he 
 little better than Antichrist In a town in Con- 
 necticut where a pious old Federalist lady lived 
 it was believed that if the Federalist] were 
 overthrown, and the Jefferson Democrats CUM 
 into power, the Christian religion would be put 
 down and atheism proclaimed, and among the 
 first persecutions would be the destrut tion 
 Bibles. The lady referred to irai 
 wrought up at this prospect, and cast al>out in 
 her mind how she should preserve he 
 the Scriptures in the general de tTUCl hi 
 
 length it occurred to her to 
 
 S , the only Democrat of her 
 
 ance, and throw herself upon his 
 
 accordingly took her family Bible to hio 
 
 telling him that she had heard of the 
 
 of the Jefferson ians, asked him to b 
 
 her. The Squire attemptC 
 
 that her fears were groundless, but s 
 
 panic stricken to Ik* convinced At last be 
 
 said,
 
 96 "©ait ano tmmor 
 
 " My good woman, if all the Bibles are to be 
 destroyed, what is the use of your bringing 
 yours to me ? That will not save it when it is 
 found." 
 
 1 ' Oh, yes, ' ' she pleaded with a charming 
 burst of trust. ' ' You take it ; it will be perfectly 
 safe. They'll never think of looking in the 
 house of a Democrat for a Bible." 
 
 In one of the conventions held to promote 
 woman's rights a lady orator, led away by en- 
 thusiasm, exclaimed, ''It is well known that 
 Solomon owed his wisdom to the number of his 
 wives." 
 
 Another speaker, going further still, said 
 there were very many positions in different 
 departments of the public service where women 
 could with entire propriety be employed, es- 
 pecially certain positions in the navy ; to which 
 a rather gruff nautical voice among the audience 
 responded, sotto voce : "Of course. Lot's wife, 
 you know, was an old salt." 
 
 ****** 
 
 There lived in Springfield in i860 an Irish 
 day-laborer named John McCarty, an intense 
 Democrat. Some time after the presidential 
 election, Mr. Lincoln was walking along the
 
 ot Hmerican Statesmen 
 
 public square, and John was shoveling out the 
 gutter. As the President-elect appro* bed, 
 
 McCarty rested on his shovel, ami holding out 
 his hand, said bluntly, — "An" so yer elected 
 Presidint, are ye? Faith, an' it wasn't by my 
 vote, at all, at all." " Well, yes, John," replied 
 Mr. Lincoln, shaking hands with John ve: • 
 dially, "the papers say I'm elected j but it 
 seems odd I should be, when you opposed me." 
 "Well, Misther Lincoln," said John, dropping 
 his voice lest some brother Democrat should hear 
 the confession, "I'm glad ye got it, after all. 
 It's moighty little pace I've had will Bid 
 votin' forninst ye; an' if ye'd been bate, 
 ha' driv me from the shanty as shure's the 
 worrold." 
 
 An ex-President of the United States r» ently 
 had occasion to attend his wife to the railway 
 station, preparatory to her setting out U] 
 long journey alone. " If you should happen to 
 need advice or assistance of any kind," t. 
 President advised his wife at parting, " 
 hesitate to call upon this gentleman 
 aisle; I like his looks," indicating a \ 
 stranger, but one whose appearance and m 
 were such as to inspire trust. Thejournej
 
 98 TWUt anD "fcumor 
 
 accomplished safely, and the wife had no occa- 
 sion to follow her husband's advice. But at an 
 evening reception shortly after her arrival in the 
 city of her destination, a man was presented to 
 her whom she at once recognized as her fellow- 
 traveler. She related the incident. " Will you 
 please tell your husband," said the man, "that 
 that is the first speech I ever heard of his that 
 meets with my hearty approval ? I belong to 
 the opposite party." 
 
 A pretty story is told of Mrs. Levi P. Mor- 
 ton's tact and courtesy quite equal to the tradi- 
 tion of Lady Washington's crushing a teacup on 
 purpose to relieve the embarrassment of the 
 guest who had inadvertently broken one of her 
 eggshell cups in his large and careless hand. 
 Mrs. Morton has a set of exquisitely painted 
 doylies from the atelier of a noted Paris artist. 
 One of her political dinner guests, after dipping 
 his fingers in the bowl, drew out the priceless 
 filmy square and crushed it into a ball trying to 
 dry his hands as he talked learnedly with his 
 hostess. 
 
 Mrs. Morton smiled with a serenity for which 
 it is hoped the recording angel will give her 
 credit, and said : " Such flimsy doylies are use-
 
 of American Statesmen 
 
 less — let me give you another — but you 
 it's the fashion." And the grateful politicu 
 cepted the napkin and never knew his mistake. 
 ****** 
 
 It was during Cleveland's first incuinl • 
 The daughter of a lawyer prominent in a K 
 town had married an officer who, a few months 
 after the ceremony, had been detailed to a remote 
 post. The young wife, who had enjoyed . 
 of belleship in the semi-metropolitan commu- 
 nity in which she had been reared, felt as I 
 were about to be buried alive. Encouraged by 
 her husband and father she repaired to Wash- 
 ington to seek reprieve at headquarters. 
 
 " Fort Riley. Why that's a pretty good 
 tail, isn't it? " asked the President, to whom the 
 lady had stated her case. 
 
 "No, sir; it doesn't suit me at all." 
 
 "Shouldn't we try and be satisfied where we 
 are?" continued the Chief Magistrate, with a 
 patronizing smile. 
 
 "You might have been satisfied frith 
 Sheriff at Buffalo," came the pert retOl 
 you wanted to be the President of tl 
 States." 
 
 ****** 
 
 There is a story about Mrs. Julia Ward 1 ; 
 and Sumner that seems very ch
 
 loo 1UU ano "fcumor 
 
 both. Mrs. Howe asked the great Senator to 
 dinner to meet Edwin Booth, and Sumner re- 
 plied in his starchiest, pouter-pigeon fashion : 
 
 " Madam, I do not believe that I care to meet 
 your friend Edwin Booth, estimable as he may- 
 be both in his calling and his character. I think 
 I have arrived at the point where one ceases to 
 take any interest in individuals." 
 
 "Why Charles," replied Mrs. Howe, with 
 intensity, "God hasn't gotten there yet." 
 
 # Jfc %i ^S >fc * 
 
 After discoursing at great length on the 
 emancipation of women, a young lady asked a 
 statesman : 
 
 11 Supposing women were admitted to govern 
 the affairs of the commonwealth, what post would 
 you assign to me?" 
 
 "The management of an institution for the 
 deaf and dumb. ' ' 
 
 "Why that?" 
 
 "Because either those unfortunates would 
 learn to talk, or you would learn to keep quiet." 
 * * * * * * 
 
 If there is any one thing for which Ohio 
 statesmen are noted, it is gallantry to ladies trav- 
 eling by rail. It is related of a member of the 
 State Legislature that on taking the cars to re-
 
 ot" Bmcncnn Statesmen 101 
 
 turn to Columbus, he espied a seal 6nl) | 
 filled by a well-dressed lady, [t is I 
 
 pose that the legislator was not - , 
 
 one empty sitting, tor he at once marched I 
 
 seat, and in his most winning v, l iie 
 
 might trouble the lady so much as to occupy a 
 
 part of the seat. The lady, seeing a 
 
 near her, answered the question by in 
 
 over, and down sat the gentleman. The 
 
 gentleman found the lady to be 
 
 of a comely face, and at once comment 
 
 conversation with her. He talked oi 
 
 wrongs, and, without asking her opinion, kept 
 
 on talking about this, that, and the other al 
 
 a rate of speed as to give the lad] 
 
 reply, even if she had desired to reply. 
 
 talking for some time he looked towan I 
 
 and was surprised to notice that si 
 
 paying the slightest attention to hi 
 
 but was gazing abstractedly o 
 
 window. The member didn't like tl 
 
 affairs, and was silent for a mom< 
 
 repeating something about w. 
 
 desert air, began his i 
 
 finally asked a leading question in 
 
 nary tone. The lady did 
 
 thought the Solon, the lady i^ hard oi 
 
 He repeated his question in
 
 102 iMit ano •frumor 
 
 and still no answer. Thinking he had offended 
 the lady in some way, he began to apologize and 
 kept it up until some one occupying a seat in 
 front of him, who had been a silent observer of 
 the scene, interrupted the apologizer by saying, 
 "Excuse me, sir, but that lady you have been 
 talking to so earnestly for some time past is deaf 
 and dumb, and has been so since her birth." 
 This thing leaked out, and on the member's ap- 
 pearing in his seat next day some one proposed 
 that he should be added to the Committee on 
 Deaf and Dumb Asylums. 
 
 President John Tyler took for his second wife, 
 in June, 1844, Miss Julia Gardiner, he being 
 then about fifty-five, and she some thirty-five 
 years younger. It is said that Henry A. Wise 
 and other Virginia friends endeavored to dis- 
 suade him from the match, and one of them told 
 him a story of a rich old James River planter 
 who called his body servant Tony into council 
 on the expediency of his marrying a miss in her 
 teens. Tony shook his head, saying, " Massa, 
 had you better ? ' ' 
 
 "Yes, Tony," replied the infatuated planter 
 "why not? She is so beautiful that the sight 
 of her would make one rise from a sick bed to
 
 ot Bmertcati Statesmen 
 
 marry her. I am old, to be sure, but L: 
 too old to make her happy." 
 
 " Yes, massa," diplomatically remarked I 
 "you is now in your prime, dat'a 
 
 when she is in her prime, where den, I 
 your prime be ? " 
 
 Mr. Tyler is said to have laughed . I 
 philosophy, but he nevertheless married 
 Gardiner, and the marriage proved aver] 
 
 one. 
 
 ****** 
 
 The little daughter of a Demo ratii candidate 
 
 for a local oftice in Saratoga I 
 
 when told that her father had got th< 
 
 tion, cried out, "Oh, mama, d -r die 
 
 of it?" 
 
 ****** 
 
 "I was making a trip through t: • 
 says Senator Tom Carter of Mo: 
 was introduced to the wife of a man w; 
 running for Congress. I wanted to be pl< 
 to her, so in order to start 
 quired : 
 
 " ■ So your husband is run 
 gress ? ' 
 
 " ' Yes,' she replied. 
 
 " ' I suppose it keeps him DfCttJ 
 ventured.
 
 104 Witt ano Dumor 
 
 " Yes,' was the very short reply. 
 
 1 ' This rather froze me, and somewhat dis- 
 couraged my attempts to be pleasant, but I came 
 to the front again with what I thought was a 
 humorous remark : 
 
 " ' I suppose he kisses all the babies in the 
 district.' 
 
 "This was unfortunate. She flared up an- 
 grily. 
 
 " ' Don't believe a word of it. He hasn't had 
 time to kiss his own babies for two months. ' ' ' 
 
 Not long ago Senator Vest, in talking of Ma- 
 jor Dickinson, fell to discussing the vanities of 
 life. 
 
 "I once met a good old lady out West," said 
 he, "who evinced great surprise of a not very 
 complimentary sort when she met me. 
 
 " ' And so you're Senator Vest, the great Sena- 
 tor?' she asked. 
 
 " 'I'm Senator Vest,' I replied bowing. 
 
 " 'Well, well,' she exclaimed contemptuously, 
 'after all I've heard about you, I never'd a 
 thought it.' " 
 
 ****** 
 
 A certain bright woman was a great friend of 
 Governor Crittenden of Kentucky, although of
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 
 
 opposite political sentiments, and there * 
 ways a contact of flint and steel when the\ 
 together. On one occasion, at her house, Mr. 
 Crittenden was speaking with enthusiasm ot the 
 neutrality policy adopted by the State. bin 
 
 P said it was a cowardly resort, when the 
 
 Senator rose to his feet and said : 
 
 " Madam, this is outrageous. You have no 
 State pride." 
 
 "Very true, sir," said she, " but I am full to 
 blushing with State shame." 
 
 ****** 
 
 An ignorant woman once said to a Northern 
 friend : 
 
 " Do you know your people take our 
 soldiers and boil their bodies ;<■> make 
 
 u No, madam, 1 did D 
 
 " Well, they do. Now what do you think of 
 it?" 
 
 "Oh, I think it's a case of concentrated lie, 
 that's all." 
 
 A seemingly frivolous joke ifl 
 turned to profitable account in ( 
 for example, one worked by Repl 
 Henry Smith, of the S© 
 upon the House Committee BOM. D
 
 106 XUit and *>umor 
 
 should be explained that this committee is not 
 the one which has. charge of the pensions grow- 
 ing out of the civil war. Its functions are 
 limited to granting pensions to veterans and 
 widows of veterans of the Mexican, the Black 
 Hawk, and other somewhat ancient troubles. 
 One of its maxims is that no widow's pension 
 should be larger than $8 a month. This pro- 
 ceeds on the theory that any widow who sur- 
 vives a veteran of these wars must be a com- 
 paratively young woman, and that she must 
 have married the veteran in his dotage and 
 chiefly to get his pension. One day Smith, 
 who is a new member, appeared before the 
 committee, and in an incidental and smiling 
 way alluded to the $8 rule. 
 
 "That is a fine rule," said he in a guileless 
 way. " I sympathize with its purpose and be- 
 lieve it should stand ; but, just as a guarantee 
 of good faith, I am going to propose that we 
 amend it so that it shall read : ' Except in the 
 case of widows over a hundred years of age. ' ' ' 
 
 The members of the committee are always 
 ready for a joke, and the amendment was 
 adopted with a unanimous laugh. 
 
 Thereupon Mr. Smith, with lightning-like 
 agility, whipped out of his pocket a bill to 
 grant a pension of Si 2 a month to a Mrs.
 
 of Hmencan Statesmen 
 
 Hixon, of Clinton, Mich. She had just ] 
 
 her hundredth year. It wa> aol DC t 
 him to explain that her husband had sen 
 within one day of the time requisite to { 
 
 pension from the Pension Bureau insta 
 
 special act. The committee voted to re{>ort the 
 
 bill favorably without so much as a roll-cad. 
 
 U you have ever told a witty - 
 missed the point, you will sympathize with the 
 unfortunate heroine of the following recital in a 
 
 Washington newspaper : 
 
 Some weeks ago we published the wir 
 mark of a Mr. Martin who, with his • 
 Carpenter, occupies the room- on 1 
 where the late Senator Charles Sumner re 
 In brief, the story was that, while the 
 tlemen were tinkering with a refractory . 
 Mr. Carpenter told Mr. Martin t: 
 were not careful the whole front would tumble 
 in. Whereupon the latter replied t. . I 
 perfectly willing to have Sumner's mant- 
 on him. So much for the stOTj 
 partv a few evenings . 
 Martin in to a circle of friends to tr!l him 
 she had read something about him wrbik 
 West.
 
 108 TWM ano Dumor 
 
 " What, pray? " he asked, with his sweetest 
 smile. 
 
 " Why, that story where you and your friend 
 were fixing your office grate," she said, in a 
 doubtful tone. 
 
 "Ah, that was a pretty good story, wasn't 
 it? You didn't think I was so brilliant, did 
 you?" 
 
 " That was just what was worrying me," she 
 replied, with considerable anxiety. "I've been 
 thinking of that story for a month and wonder- 
 ing what there was particularly funny in your 
 saying you wanted Mr. Sumner's mantelpiece 
 to fall on you."
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 The Retort CourUi 
 
 When Col. Thomas Ochiltree was in I 
 gress he was popular, not only bei a 
 a prince of good fellows with all the world, but 
 
 for his ability to return a shaij 
 occasion seemed to demand qui* k wit . 
 ready tongue. 
 
 "Ochiltree," said a member to hi:.. 
 with an impertinent sneer that . the 
 
 Colonel's sensibilities, " if I had your c he 
 be on top of the heap." 
 
 "You snipe, you," exclaimed the 
 
 "if you had my cheek and y 
 
 be kicked out of every decent pi 
 
 ThaddeilS Stevens pos^evsed the s.imr 
 
 and all members of the lh>".sc tell one 
 of an occurred e in \\ : 
 Speaker of the lb 
 ending in Stevens >a\ 
 documents on which he hft 
 L08
 
 no rat ano tmmor 
 
 the chair, and turning his back to the Speaker 
 in the most impolite way while passing furiously 
 up the aisle towards the cloak-room. 
 
 " Is the gentleman trying to show his con- 
 tempt for the Speaker ? " shouted that dignitary. 
 
 ''No," thundered back Stevens turning 
 around and facing the wielder of the gavel : 
 "lam trying to conceal it ! " 
 
 ****** 
 
 It was at a meeting of a South Boston Demo- 
 cratic club prior to an election some years ago. 
 The hall was filled j sons of Erin largely pre- 
 dominated, and the air was appropriately 
 clouded with smoke from pipes of various ages, 
 colors and degrees of offensiveness. The ap- 
 pointing of a committee of five — for what pur- 
 pose need not appear — was in progress, and 
 nominations were being made all over the hall 
 with an enthusiastic indifference to the laws of 
 the much-lamented Mr. Cushing. 
 
 The acoustics of the room were not of the 
 best, and amid the clamor that greeted each 
 name presented it was extremely difficult to fol- 
 low the proceedings. At length a burly Irish- 
 man at the back of the hall jumped to his feet, 
 and waving a blackened clay pipe at arm's 
 length, shouted, in a voice that might have been 
 heard around the block,
 
 ot Hmerican statesmen in 
 
 "Mr. Chairman ! " 
 
 All sounds in the hall came to an end. 
 
 ognition from the chairman was instanta: I 
 11 Mr. Chairman, oi move that May 
 
 be put on the committee." 
 
 "Phwat committee is thot?" 
 
 voice from the other side of the room. 
 " Dom'd av oi know, but oi move thot V. 
 
 O'Brien be put on it." 
 
 ****** 
 
 The famous Thad Stevens had a col 
 ant in Washington named Matilda, who one 
 Sunday morning smashed a large Al the 
 
 buffet. " What have you broken now, j 
 black idiot?" exclaimed her master. M 
 meekly responded : " 'Tain't de fo'th com:. 
 mentj bress de Lawd." 
 
 ****** 
 
 President Hayes was a total abstainer. 
 State dinners, otherwise very elegant and 
 were served without wines. The only i 
 sion to conviviality was the Roman p 
 flavored with Jamaica rum. EvartS m 
 tomed to allude to this COUTM 
 saving station." 
 
 ***** 
 
 At another time risir • .ally
 
 112 van anD ibumor 
 
 the guests at a Thanksgiving dinner, Evarts be- 
 gan : ' < You have been giving your attention to 
 a turkey stuffed with sage. You are now about 
 to consider a sage stuffed with turkey." 
 
 In Covington, Ky., lives the Hon. Theodore 
 F. Hallam, an able and witty lawyer, whose 
 misfortune it was to have his friends constantly 
 making play upon his name. Most men whose 
 names can in any way be punned or played 
 upon have suffered from every possible variation 
 of such play, until it has become wearisome and 
 exasperating. Hallam had borne allusions with- 
 out end to the " Middle Ages," "Constitu- 
 tional Law," etc., when one day, at Washing- 
 ton city, he was introduced to Governor Hogg, 
 of Texas. "Hallam? Hallam?" queried the 
 Governor. "Are you the original?" "No, 
 Governor Hogg," said Hallam. "Are you?" 
 
 Upon one occasion when Henry Clay and 
 Tom Corwin were both members of the United 
 States Senate, the Kentuckian visited the room 
 of the Ohioan to urge him to go for a certain 
 measure, which the latter was little inclined to 
 support. The discussion waxing rather warm, 
 Harry of the West, rising to his full height,
 
 ot Bmertcan 5tateamcn ua 
 
 brought down his fist with full ton c I 
 
 size the remark, "By , Tom, it most 
 
 shall be so." The blow upon the tabic : .... 
 
 everything in the room rattle, and its CX I upant, 
 
 giving his visitors one of his peculiar!] 
 
 looks, quietly remarked : "Look here, Mr. Clay, 
 
 you may abuse me as much as you | 
 
 I'll be hanged if I'll allow you or any othci 
 
 to break my furniture." 
 
 ****** 
 
 One day Bourke Cockran was telling a 
 on the floor of the House — he was standing in 
 one of the aisles — when Mr. Peine, the 1'opulist 
 Congressman from Colorado, walked up 
 said : 
 
 " Excuse me, Mr. Cockran, 1 have a let- 
 introduction to you." 
 
 "I can do nothing for you," responded the 
 New York Congressman. " All the :. 
 and page places are filled." 
 
 ****** 
 
 Senator Evarts was a 
 diner-out and giver of most elaborate ai d i 
 dinners himself. To a lady who 
 prise that one of such slendei 
 physique could endure - 
 varying viands and different
 
 114 XUit am> Dumot 
 
 that it was not so much the different wines that 
 gave him trouble as the indifferent ones. 
 
 General Grant was popularly supposed to be 
 habitually grave, reserved, and taciturn, but on 
 occasion was very vivacious in conversation, 
 with a keen sense of dry quiet humor. 
 
 One evening, after a stag dinner at the White 
 House, the company assembled in the library to 
 smoke. Talk fell upon the happiest period of 
 life — childhood, youth, manhood, age. 
 
 Grant listened, but said nothing till asked for 
 his opinion. 
 
 " Well," he replied after a pause, " I believe 
 I would like to be born again," which indicated 
 that he had found existence enjoyable all the 
 way through. 
 
 ****** 
 
 One of the last as well as one of the neatest 
 hits made by General Butler, occurred during 
 the famous "dead-lock" on the Civil Rights 
 Bill. The question of adjournment was under 
 consideration, and General Butler had stepped 
 over to Mr. Randall's desk for a private consul- 
 tation. Butler favored a Sunday session. Ran- 
 dall opposed. 
 
 " Bad as I am, I have some respect for God's
 
 of American Statesmen lis 
 
 day," said the Democrat, "ami I don't think it 
 proper to hold a session of Congress on that 
 day." 
 
 "Oh, pshaw," responded Butler, "don't the 
 Bible say that it is lawful to pull your ox 
 out of a pit on the Sabbath day? You have 
 seventy-three asses on your side of this 1 1 
 and I want to see them safely out of this dm h 
 before to-morrow." 
 
 When Evarts was Secretary of State in the 
 Cabinet of President Hayes, the strugg. 
 places in the diplomatic service nras very I I 
 As he was leaving the elevator at the i 
 very busy day, he said the conveyaiM e 
 noon had "taken up a very large colta turn tor 
 foreign missions"; and when asked what had 
 been done, he replied, "Many tailed, but few 
 chosen ! ' ' 
 
 ****** 
 
 Two gentlemen, well known for quicknc 
 wit, one a politician, the other a . 
 were at a friend's house in the country, U 
 Sunday were of course, to go to chun h. The 
 former said to the clergyman. "Come 
 me."* But the clerical gentleman prefer: 
 walk. A shower came on just
 
 116 rat anD Dumor 
 
 overtook the clergyman, who had started first. 
 The public functionary put his head out of the 
 window with, 
 
 " How blessed is he who ne'er consents 
 By ill advice to walk," 
 
 to which the minister immediately retorted, 
 
 " Nor stands in sinners' ways and sits 
 Where men profanely talk." 
 
 Attorney- General Miller came from one of 
 the old interior towns of New York. To reach 
 the place you leave the railroad at a station, 
 and take an ancient vehicle for a mile or two 
 over the pike. Some time ago Attorney-Gen- 
 eral Miller visited the scene of his early man- 
 hood. As he left the train there was the " bus," 
 looking just as he remembered it, and there was 
 the driver, a little older, a little more stooped 
 about the shoulders, but otherwise the same 
 monosyllabic philosopher of the front seat. Mr. 
 Miller climbed into the back end and sniffed 
 his nose as he encountered the well-remembered 
 odor of the stable. The Attorney-General re- 
 introduced himself to old Dick, and as he was 
 the only passenger, he opened conversation
 
 ot American Statesmen 11? 
 
 while the "bus" rattled and bumped along the 
 pike. 
 
 "Doesn't seem to be much here, 
 
 Dick ?" suggested Mr. Miller with the rising 
 inflection. 
 
 "Nope," replied Dick. 
 
 "You look about as you did the last time I 
 was here," was the next thing t he- 
 General fired at the back of the old driver's 
 head. 
 
 "Yep," said Dick caressing the flesh erf the 
 off horse with the buckskin snapper. 
 
 "Got the same old bus, haven'' 
 asked Mr. Miller, looking at the holes in the seat 
 cushions. 
 
 "The i-dentical same," a: 
 turning round. 
 
 "Town improved much sin< e I left ?" 
 tured Mr. Miller. 
 
 " Nope," was Dick's discouraging re 
 
 " People changed any ? " was the Q€2 
 
 "All jes* about the same," 
 to take the lead and unl>osom with the 
 gossip. 
 
 "I suppose you know I'm in tl 
 Cabinet," said Mr. Miller after a little 
 which he decided to make one more effort to 
 start Dick's tongue.
 
 lis van anO Ibumor 
 
 " So I heerd," was the laconic reply. 
 ' 4 What do people say about it ? " was the last 
 effort. 
 
 " Don't say nothin' — jes' laugh," said Dick. 
 
 On the desk of "Private" John Allen of 
 Mississippi, Amos J. Cummings noticed an en- 
 velope directed thus : 
 
 " Col. John M. Allen, United States Senate." 
 
 "How is it," asked he, "that you a private 
 and a plain Representative are addressed as 
 Colonel and a Senator ? ' ' 
 
 "Because," he answered quickly, " that fel- 
 low had sense enough to know that I ought to 
 be both." 
 
 Dr. Bartlett, of the New York Avenue Church, 
 called on Senator McMillan at Washington 
 once, and received from him a subscription of 
 $500 towards the expenses connected with the 
 forthcoming assembly of the Presbyterian 
 Church. Dr. Bartlett bowed as well as ex- 
 pressed his thanks for the liberal subscription, 
 extended his hand, and was about to turn away 
 when the Senator remarked : 
 
 ' ' Doctor, are you acquainted with Senator 
 Brice, of Ohio?"
 
 of Bmerican statesmen 119 
 
 "I have not the honor," said Dr. Bai 
 
 11 Wait a moment then, please, and I will 
 send for him to come out," and turning to a 
 messenger he requested him to present his 
 pliments to Senator Brice, and request his pres- 
 ence at the east door of the Senate. In a mo- 
 ment Senator Brice appeared and was presented 
 to Dr. Bartlett. 
 
 "I have sent for you," remarked Senator 
 McMillan, "for the reason that you have not 
 only the reputation of being a liberal patron of 
 the arts and sciences, but of education and re- 
 ligious institutions and objects as well. As the 
 one hundred and fifth General Assembly of the 
 Presbyterian Church meets here in May, and 
 that means that there will be over a thousand 
 commissioners in attendance who are to be taken 
 care of, they are looking for people like you to 
 help them out. I have made a small subs 
 tion myself, and thought you would be willing 
 to duplicate it." 
 
 "Certainly," said Senator Brice, " I will give 
 the same. What was your subscript 1 
 
 "Five hundred dollars, was it not, Do tor?" 
 
 "That is correct," said Dr. Bartlett. 
 
 Senator Brice gave a quick i 
 McMillan, who smiled serenely in rr 
 Senator Brice thereupon went through his
 
 120 Wiit and Dumot 
 
 pockets and succeeded in fishing out about 
 $5,000 in "pin money," as he termed it and 
 was about to hand Dr. Bartlett a $500 bill when 
 he smiling remarked to Senator McMillan : 
 " Don't you think we had better make this a 
 thousand each ? ' ' 
 
 ****** 
 Probably the mot of Mr. Evarts most widely 
 flown concerns the apochryphal feat told of 
 George Washington hv" jerking" a silver dol- 
 lar across the Rappahannock. Aside from the 
 unlikelihood that the thrifty George would throw 
 a silver dollar over the river", when a pebble 
 would have done as well, the distance was so 
 great that the skeptics were incredulous, and 
 another legend seemed on the edge of being 
 destroyed when Mr. Evarts came to its rescue 
 with the suggestion that "a dollar went much 
 farther in those days than now." 
 
 5}C 5JC 5(C 5j< 3f* *> 
 
 Among the guests at a dinner to Daniel 
 Webster in New York was Dr. Benjamin Bran- 
 dreth, the inventor of a celebrated pill known 
 by his name. Mr. Evarts united these two 
 great men in a volunteer toast to " Daniel 
 Webster and Benjamin Brandreth ; the pillars of 
 the Constitution."
 
 of Bmcncan $tatC0mcn 
 
 Objections had been filed with the Judi 
 Committee to the confirmation of a n< 
 on account of the dissolute habits of t. ■ 
 pointee. 
 
 When the case came up for consideration the 
 chairman called for the affidavit 
 produced a number from the files. Cons 
 his docket Mr. Edmunds thought there were 
 more, and others were found. 
 closed another batch that had t> 
 or mislaid. 
 
 ''The papers in this d Mr. K 
 
 "appear to be more dissipated, if possible, than 
 the candidate." 
 
 Judge David Davis was <m invetei 
 
 promiser ami composer of strife, whi< h led 
 Conkling to allude to him in debate as "the 
 largest wholesale and retail de.iler ; 
 soothing syrup the world has eve: 
 
 Later, in the di» 
 Davis interrupted Conkling by 
 tion or anticipation, which Conkling 
 by quoting two lines fro 
 
 •• II <■ knows the words ti I 
 
 Ere from my opening 
 ******
 
 122 Bait anD Ibumor 
 
 Charles Sumner had no more sense of humor 
 than a hippopotamus, but there was something 
 excessively humorous about his colossal self- 
 consciousness, of which it is no paradox to say- 
 he was apparently unconscious. 
 
 His egotism was inordinately vast, though in- 
 nocent in its simplicity. It was far from con- 
 ceit, and led to no disparagement of his 
 associates. 
 
 Probably Grant, whom he hated and abused, 
 came the nearest to sizing him up when he said : 
 "The reason Sumner doesn't believe in the 
 Bible is because he didn't write it himself." 
 
 One might suppose that all the anecdotes of 
 Henry Clay worth repeating had been published, 
 but a fresh one seems to have sprung into ex- 
 istence, which exhibits Mr. Clay's humor in so 
 pleasant a light that we gladly reproduce it. It 
 is told by one Sam Long, formerly well known 
 as a clown in the "arena." He says: "I 
 remember once we entered Lexington in proces- 
 sion, and it happened that Mr. Clay was driving 
 in at the same time. I brought up the rear of 
 the procession, riding a mule. As he was di- 
 rectly behind me, I turned my face to the mule's 
 tail and sang out, ■ Here we are, fellow-citizens.
 
 ot Bmcrican Statesmen 
 
 Wisdom led by Folly.' The people 
 
 and Mr. Clay seemed greatly amused. N 
 
 day at the circus I made him a speech in whi< h 
 
 I advised him to be President of the 1 
 
 States, and take me into his < abinet 
 
 night he sent me a bottle of the Quest p 
 
 ever tasted, with his compliments, 
 
 4 From the poorest fool to the best down m the 
 
 United States.' " 
 
 Of Ex-Governor Black, of New York, a ^tory 
 is going the rounds. In a lawsuit he 
 against an undersized country lawyer. In nu- 
 king an address the Governor took occasion to 
 denounce some proposition of the other side. 
 
 "It is false: false in every particular. 
 might as well say that twice two were five, 
 
 or " Here he paused a second. 1 b 
 
 man leaned forward and said in a stage whi 
 "Or that black was white." 
 
 Towards the end of Rosroe Conkli:,. 
 in the Senate he fell out with the ne 
 and sometimes when he ai€ 
 reporter in the pres> -..lie:-. 
 book, the whole crowd would rush :.
 
 124 vait ano -fcumor 
 
 into the lobby, leaving every seat without an 
 occupant. 
 
 He flushed at the insult, but speaking of 
 journalism afterwards, he was moved to remark 
 in his propitiatory way that the only people in 
 the world authorized to use the first person 
 plural, ' ' we, ' ' in speaking of themselves, were 
 " editors and men with tapeworms." 
 
 After the Hon. Cave Johnson had served his 
 long and brilliant career in Congress, and had 
 retired to the quiet of private life, he once 
 stepped into the office of his nephew, Robert 
 Johnson, then a young lawyer of much promise, 
 and finding the young man engaged in writing 
 with a gold pen, had occasion to remark upon 
 the extravagance of the rising generation. 
 
 "Why is it," said he, "that every young 
 man now has his gold pen, while those of my 
 day were content to use their goose-quills ? " 
 
 "I suppose," replied Robert in the most in- 
 nocent manner possible, "it is because there 
 were more geese when you were a young man." 
 
 :j« ^ :fc i£ % s-c 
 
 Mr. Clay's fondness for whist was well-known. 
 In reply to Mr. Clay's charge that Randolph 
 was an "aristocrat," Randolph retorted with
 
 of Hmcrican Statesmen 
 
 pistol finger aimed at Mr. Clay: •• If a D 
 known by the company lie keeps, the gentleman 
 from Kentucky is the veriest aristocrat in the 
 House, for he spends his nights in the 
 of kings, queens and knaves. 11 
 
 ****** 
 
 Many are the anecdotes that have 
 lished of the late John Van Buren, bat t 
 lowing will be new to most readers. During 
 his father's Presidential term, "Prina [ 
 then a very young man, indulged in many play- 
 ful performances that were not altogether . 
 light to the paternal heart. On one of his 
 to Washington, the Prince stopped at Wil 
 where his father came, and, after a kindly . 
 ing, said, "John, I had hoped you would 
 time prove to be a worthy representative • I 
 family, but I fear you never will ; in 
 convinced that you will bring d 
 than reflect credit upon it." 
 
 "Father," said John, "you may think, lo- 
 calise you happen to be President <>t the l 
 States, that you are something more than an or- 
 dinary man, but permit me to saj 
 never be known in hisl pt M the father 
 
 of John Van buren." 
 
 ****** 
 
 While a member of ( Wph
 
 126 VCUt arte Ibumor 
 
 boarded in Georgetown, and generally rode over 
 to the Capitol, though he sometimes walked. 
 On a keen frosty, morning, while walking across 
 the Rock Creek bridge, he was seen by Mr. 
 
 B , who was walking on the opposite side 
 
 of the bridge in the same direction. Mr. B , 
 
 having a speaking acquaintance with Randolph, 
 crossed over to walk with him. Mr. Randolph 
 had very long legs, and even in his ordinary 
 gait was a very fast walker. With some dif- 
 ficulty Mr. B came up, and saluted him 
 
 with " Good-morning, Mr. Randolph ; you are 
 walking fast this morning." 
 
 "Yes, sir," replied Randolph, "and I can 
 walk still faster ; " which he at once did, leaving 
 Mr. B far behind to ruminate on the polite- 
 ness of statesmen. 
 
 When Theodore Roosevelt and David B. Hill, 
 both ex-Governors of New York, come together, 
 there is usually a little quiet fun between them. 
 Not long ago the New York State newspaper 
 men gave a banquet at Stanwix Hall, in Albany, 
 and among the guests of honor were the two ex- 
 Governors. Colonel Roosevelt came first. He 
 wore an evening suit and his well-known brown 
 sombrero made famous by the Rough Riders.
 
 of Bmerican btatcsmen 
 
 It was a combination costume at once original 
 and picturesque. Among the last of the guests 
 to arrive was Mr. Hill, who was conventionally 
 attired, even to his silk hat. 
 
 " Ah," exclaimed Colonel Roosevelt, in his 
 peculiar staccato manner, as lie grasped Mr. 
 Hill's hand, " now we have with us a real Albany 
 swell. Governor Hill is the only man here to- 
 night with a silk hat." 
 
 " I've got a slouch hat myself," returned Mr. 
 Hill, softly, "but I left it at home. I've given 
 up wearing it since I went out of the advertising 
 business." 
 
 Speaker Henderson and Representative | 
 ham of Texas, rc« ently had a little poeti< al i or- 
 respondence during proceedings of the 1! 
 They entered Congress together, and have 
 been very close personal friends. They were 
 also for a long time members of the I 
 Committee together. Judge Lanham hail 
 that he wished to call up under unanimous 
 sent, and had approached the Speakei 
 three times regarding it. ( hue d 
 the House was considering bills by unanimous 
 consent, and Judge Lanham sent the following, 
 written on a scrap of paper to the Speaker :
 
 128 Tftait anfc Dumor 
 
 " Behold a member at your door ! 
 
 He gently knocks, has knocked before ; 
 Has waited long, is waiting still, 
 Will you treat this member ill ? 
 
 " Yours for recognition." 
 
 On the back of the paper on which this was 
 written Speaker Henderson inscribed : 
 
 " My dearest L. can go to h — 1. 
 He knows I always treat him well." 
 
 Judge Lanham was forthwith recognized by 
 the Speaker to bring up his pet bill, but Repre- 
 sentative Payne of New York objected after 
 quite a long debate. Some days afterwards the 
 Texan once more appealed for an opportunity 
 to bring up his measure in these lines : 
 
 " To get up my little bill again 
 
 Would make me feel exceeding well. 
 But alas ! alas ! Sereno Payne 
 Still tells me I ' can go to h — 1.' " 
 
 Speaker Henderson again returned a poetic 
 answer to Judge Lanham's appeal. It read : 
 
 "You may think I'll tell you no; 
 But quick I say that you may ' go.' "
 
 CHAPTER viii 
 
 Mistaken Identity 
 
 Senator Vance has a very good memo: j 
 seldom fails to recognize a person be hai 
 met and observed, but one of his cODStil 
 
 got away with him a short tune 
 Senator was standing with several of h 
 in the rotunda at the Capitol when a 
 approached and offered his hand, 
 "Why, Senator, how are you?" The 
 was taken and grasped warmly. "Q 
 sir ; how have yon been ? " 
 
 " Oh, I've been fine ; never m better he 
 
 but I don't believe you remember me." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I do, perfectly. 
 quite familiar to me. Ws only yonr nam 
 
 escapes me." 
 
 " My name's John Buckwil 
 44 Sure enough, John Buckwilta 
 
 and he shook the man's hand a little 
 
 orously. " I don't see how I I 
 
 me think — where was it I - 
 " Well, Senator, the \\u t 
 
 see me but once." 
 
 139
 
 130 "CUtt anfc tmmor 
 
 " Only once — you must be mistaken." 
 
 " Oh, no, I'm not. It was at the old church 
 on Deer Creek. You remember when you 
 spoke there to that awful big crowd ? ' ' 
 
 "Yes, perfectly. So it was." 
 
 "I am the man who was a-sittin' upon the 
 ladder at the back of the church. I was in my 
 shirt-sleeves and did a good deal of the shoutin'. 
 That was as close as I ever got to you." 
 
 Senator Call of Florida cherishes a fad for 
 horticulture. One day he made an incursion 
 upon the Botanic Gardens, intent upon securing 
 some official perquisites in the line of shrubbery 
 for his house. After picking out a few choice 
 plants, he proceeded to make an attempt upon 
 the good graces of the custodian of plants. 
 
 Now to gain a title in fee simple to any of the 
 treasures of the gardens is an undertaking about 
 as hopeless as to gain access to historical manu- 
 scripts of the State Department. The Senator 
 succeeded in making but slight headway into the 
 confidence of the superintendent, who was full 
 of excuses that the herbage was not in condition 
 for moving, that the season was wrong, and 
 various other things. 
 
 A few days afterwards in the Senate chamber 
 Mr. Call hooked his finger into the lapel button-
 
 ot Bmtrlcan statesmen 
 
 hole ot" Mr. Hoar, whu is a man of k. 
 tastes. 
 
 "Look here," he asked, "hoi get 
 
 around that man down at the Botanii Gai 
 
 He refuses to give me .some plants that I v. 
 
 "Why, you must humor bis I plied 
 
 the Senator from Massachu* I 
 Scotch poetry to him. Tell him I 
 is your favorite poet. If you ever went in! 
 den you must have noticed the b 
 men, and the Scotch books around c. 
 He is wrapped up in the old countr;. 
 Robbie Burns to him." 
 
 Mr. Call did it the next day. Calling .it the 
 gardens on his way to the Senate, lie sought out 
 the superintendent 
 
 "They tell me," said the Sena 1 
 and I are men of kindred tastes, that I 
 literary affinity. All of my I 
 Scotchmen. Why, I never could tir- 
 ing Jimmy Burns." 
 
 "Jamie Hums," repeated the lent 
 
 with infinite disdain. "Jai 
 noo Jamie Burns, mini. It was R 
 
 The Senator was not installed in the 5 
 man's good 
 
 * # * * * 
 
 In 1882, David R. Paige, Democrat, n
 
 132 TOt ano Ibumor 
 
 Congress against Capt. A. S. McClure, Repub- 
 lican, in a Republican district in Ohio, which 
 included the "Iron Wards of the city of Cleve- 
 land." A trusted lieutenant of Mr. Paige, the 
 second night before the election, found a man 
 who in height, form, features, and voice strongly 
 resembled Captain McClure. He dressed this 
 man to personate the Captain and took him 
 into the Iron Wards, where many of the men 
 were frequenters of saloons. A man, known 
 among the iron workers, was hired to introduce 
 this counterfeit in the saloons as Captain Mc- 
 Clure. At each place visited, the simulator, 
 after being introduced as Captain McClure, 
 asked in spread-eagle style the voters present to 
 vote for him, made some fulsome promises, 
 walked up to the bar and called for two glasses 
 of beer, which he and the master of ceremonies 
 drank. Not a voter present was treated to a 
 drop. The howls of derision and indignation 
 which went up from each saloon after the de- 
 parture of the pretender and his guide can be 
 imagined. The next night David R. Paige 
 covered the same ground, and, not to go too 
 much into detail, the contrast was so great that 
 Captain McClure lost enough votes in Cleve- 
 land to defeat him by a very slim majority. 
 ******
 
 ot Bmertcan statesmen 133 
 
 Major Maginnis, ol M01 tana, bean 
 blance to General Corse, the Boston postnu 
 
 which is so striking that the Major says himself 
 that they are "as like as two twins.' 1 General 
 Hawley is one of the postmaster's friends, and 
 meeting Maginnis one day at the Capitol, he 
 exclaimed : 
 
 " Why, how are you, Corse ? When did you 
 come in ? " 
 
 The Major drew himself up and said : '• My 
 name is Maginnis, General." 
 
 General Hawley apologized | and 
 
 later in the day, seeing a familiar figure, man hed 
 up to it and said : "It'sstreu ::mis, that 
 
 I took you for Corse." 
 
 " But I am General Corse," was the reply of 
 the hero of Allatoona, who had just come to 
 town on some post-office busi: 
 
 General Hawley looks several times before he 
 ventures to call anybody Corse or Maginnis 
 nowadays. 
 
 Things have changed in Washington. T 
 
 or thirty years ago the colored brother was no 
 positive weight in the so< ial 01 political 
 His present Status is illustrated by an ir.< 
 that occurred not l< |
 
 134 mit an& Ibumor 
 
 Western man dropped into the House of Repre- 
 sentatives to note what was going on. Beckon- 
 ing, to a well-dressed man of color who stood 
 near him, he said, "Jim, will you show me to 
 the barber's shop? I want to get shaved and 
 have my boots blacked." 
 
 The "Jim" thus familiarly addressed hap- 
 pened to be one of the colored Representatives, 
 who quietly replied, " Excuse me, sah, I's not 
 a waitah, I's a membah ! " 
 
 ^c * ^c * * ^ 
 
 The Hon. Benjamin Butterworth is very good 
 in memory of names and faces, and an excellent 
 actor when he fails to recall either. He gener- 
 ally gets along all right, but the other day he 
 caught a tartar. 
 
 A fine looking gentleman rushed up to him 
 and grasping his hand exclaimed with much 
 warmth, "Major Butterworth, I am glad to see 
 you. How are you, Major?" 
 
 Now, when you can't remember a man and 
 can't speak his name and he is so familiar and 
 friendly that you don't want him to notice your 
 ignorance, it is customary to endeavor to cover 
 the failure to speak his name with a profusion of 
 greetings. 
 
 If you know him you will call him by name 
 as you " shake " and say, " How are you ? "
 
 of American Statesmen 
 
 Otherwise you will do as Buttenrorth did. He 
 said ; " Why, hello ; how are j 
 do? Howd'y do? How arc- y< > ; ? Well, I 
 declare. Howd'y do? When did | 
 on ? "' 
 
 "I came on yesterday," said I 
 seeming to appreciate the he 
 handsome Ohioun. 
 
 '■ How'd you leave the DO] 
 the Major. 
 
 ** Ohio ? " said the gentleman, d 
 11 1 never was in < )hio." 
 
 u Of course," replied the flun 
 
 man. " My head is BO nil] 
 matters just now that i i in- 
 
 advertently. Weill anything new ? H 
 family?" 
 
 11 My family ? I h. . 
 
 said the stranger. 
 
 " No, of course not. I didn't mean I 
 said the Major, shifting a: 
 floor was getting hot and beginnii 
 perate. " But how are all the 
 pla< e, anyway ? " 
 
 " I didn't think you knew anybo 
 town. I live at I. vim." 
 ing at the statesman 
 
 •• < >h. certainly, i I * now
 
 136 limit ano Ibumot 
 
 some boys in Lynn," feebly murmured the 
 Major. 
 
 " I saw you when you came up to address the 
 Home Market Club of Boston, ' ' said the stranger. 
 
 At last a cue was given, and a look of joyful 
 relief, recollection, and recognition came over 
 the Major's face like a sunburst. 
 
 " Why, of course. I knew you at once, and 
 am mighty glad to meet you again. I never 
 forget a face. I couldn't think for a moment 
 just where I saw you last." 
 
 " I don't think you ever saw me before. I 
 was in Tremont Temple when you spoke, and 
 was in a rear seat. I am sure you could not 
 have seen me, and that was the only time I ever 
 saw you." 
 
 Senator Piatt of Connecticut is continually 
 mistaken for ex-Senator Piatt of New York. 
 
 "I suppose if I stayed in the Senate for 
 twenty years there would still be a certain class 
 of people who would confuse me with Tom 
 Piatt of New York," said Senator Piatt just be- 
 fore he left Washington. " Some time last ses- 
 sion a man addressed a letter to me asking an 
 interview. I replied courteously and on the fol- 
 lowing day the man who was a perfect stranger
 
 ot Bmerican stateemcn 
 
 to me, called at the Senate- to sec me. He pre 
 sented a large number of recomin 
 citizens of some county m New York urgi 
 appointment as supei thing, i 
 
 "'I think you have made a mistake. I 
 not the Senator you want to 
 
 " 'Are you Senator Piatt?' he asked. 
 plied that I was Senator Piatt ' Well, 
 he said, 'all of your friends want me . 
 to this place.' 
 
 "'Excuse me,' I replied. '] think 
 
 my friends care a continental whet!.' 
 appointed or not.' He looked ' I 
 
 think,' said I continuing. ' tl 
 for a namesake of mine who iras in I 
 for about six weeks i 
 
 " 'Aren't you Senator Piatt ? ' I 
 
 " 'I am,' said I. ■ 1 am Senatoi 
 Connecticut.' 
 
 " He seemed very much pr..\ lc I 
 light dawned on him. ' Well, who are 001 
 tors anyhow ? ' he asked." 
 
 In years gone by there dwelt in W 
 John Guy, a character in h 
 with whom Colond 10 tell t. 
 
 lowing anecdote.
 
 138 TOt anD "foumor 
 
 Guy kept the National Hotel in Washington, 
 and among his guests was General Cass, then 
 Senator from Michigan. Guy dressed like Cass, 
 and although not as portly, his face, including 
 the wart, was strangely similar. One day a 
 Western friend of the house came in, after a 
 long ride, dusty and tired, and walking up tc 
 the office, encountered General Cass who was 
 quietly standing there. Mistaking him for Guy, 
 he slapped him on the shoulder and exclaimed : 
 
 " Well, old fellow, here I am. The last time 
 I hung my hat up in your shanty one of your 
 clerks sent me to the fourth story ; but now I 
 have got hold of you, I insist upon a lower 
 room." 
 
 The General, a most dignified personage, 
 taken aback by this startling salute, coolly re- 
 plied : 
 
 "You have committed a mistake, sir. I am 
 not Mr. Guy, I am General Cass of Michigan," 
 and angrily turned away. The Western man 
 was shocked at the unconscious outrage he had 
 committed ; but before he had recovered from 
 his mortification, General Cass who had passed 
 around the office, confronted him again, when, 
 a second time mistaking him for Guy, he faced 
 him and said : " Here you are at last. I have 
 just made a devil of a mistake ; I met old Cass,
 
 ^ 
 
 ot Rmerican statesmen 
 
 and took him for you, and I am afraid the Mi< hi- 
 gander has gone off mad." What Genera 
 would have said may well be imagined, if the 
 real Guy had not approached and rescued the 
 innocent offender from the twice-assailc: 
 twice angered statesman. 
 
 When Daniel Webster was Se« retary of State 
 he paid a visit to England, and while in London 
 the American Minister took him to call 
 Lord Brougham. They found the nob. 
 immersed in business, and his reception of the 
 
 distinguished American wasexi eedingl] 
 not to say indifferent. Naturally <>''.r rel- 
 ative was greatly mortified, and asking We 
 to excuse him a moment he drew Lord BrOUJ 
 aside, when the following whispered COD 
 ensued : 
 
 "My Lord, do you know who Mr. Webster 
 j s — h e isSa retary of State of the Unite - 
 
 - Why didn't you say so?" was the n 
 
 " I thought he was that confounded fellow who 
 
 made the dictionary and turned the English 
 
 language upside down." 
 
 Needless to say, the mistake •••■ 
 and the peer's reception of the gl 
 became all that could be desired.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 " The Sage of Marsh field " 
 
 The following characteristic and amusing 
 anecdotes of Daniel Webster are undeniably 
 authentic : 
 
 Some years ago Mr. Webster paid a profes- 
 sional visit to Northampton, Mass., one of the 
 pleasantest inland towns in the State. His 
 presence there was expected ; and, being the 
 political idol of a large portion of the community, 
 preparations had been made to give him a cor- 
 dial reception by eminent private citizens. The 
 landlord, too, of the principal inn had prepared 
 a very handsome suite of apartments for his ex- 
 press accommodation, and had made arrange- 
 ments to have the great man occupy them. 
 
 At length Mr. Webster arrived, and stopped 
 at the hotel in question. He was shown to his 
 quarters, with which he expressed himself well 
 pleased, until it was incidentally remarked, by 
 some friend present, that "Northampton was a 
 temperance town, and that that was a temper- 
 ance house." 
 
 140
 
 of Bmcrfcan Statesmen in 
 
 " Won't you ring the bell for the land] 
 asked Mr. Webster of a gentleman who 
 near the bell-pull. 
 
 He rang the bell, and the landlord BOOB 
 up. 
 
 "Mr. Brewster," said Mr. V. 
 
 you direct me to Genera] L 'a bom 
 
 think I will take up my quarters with him." 
 
 The landlord, with gre pointmenl 
 
 pressed in his face and manner, laid — 
 
 " Why, Mr. Webster ! I was in I 
 rooms would meet your entir- rioo, Wt 
 
 have taken great pains to have then 
 ments such as should please you." 
 
 u Your rooms, Mr. B rew ste r , u ent in 
 
 every way, — nothing need be u* ■•■ 
 understand your tabic is abundantlv lOppUed 
 with well-cooked viands. But, Mr. ! 
 understand that your r* ljon 
 
 rigid temperance princi] N r air, I ai 
 
 old man; my blood is thin, and mom 
 I require a little stimuli] 
 old brandy. Mr. Br e wst er 5 
 
 " I have some - 
 Massa husetts, I think," answered the 
 
 •• Well, Mr. Bi e wster , have- the i 
 bring me up a bottle and place it on the little 
 stand behind that door."
 
 142 lUtt ano Dumot 
 
 Mr. Brewster departed, and soon came back 
 with the desiderated fluid, which he deposited as 
 directed. 
 
 "Mr. Brewster," continued Mr. Webster, 
 " have you any fine old Madeira? " 
 
 ' ' Yes, Mr. Webster, of the oldest and best 
 vintage." 
 
 ' ' Do you know how to ice it properly, so 
 that it shall be only just gratefully cool ? " 
 
 The landlord answered in the affirmative, and 
 went down to the cellar for the bottle. When 
 he came back, he placed it beside the other 
 bottle in a graduated cooler, and was about to 
 retire when Mr. Webster said — 
 
 "You need be under no apprehension, Mr. 
 Brewster, that this infraction of the temperance 
 law of your town will be discovered. I must 
 needs honor law, being one of its humble minis- 
 ters, and would not exhibit even a justifiable 
 evasion of its commands. No, Mr. Brewster, 
 you leave those bottles there, where they will be 
 unobserved, and in a short time I will put them 
 where no human eye can see them." 
 
 John Trout, of Sandwich, was the well-known 
 sobriquet of the fisherman who attended ama- 
 teur anglers on their excursions. John was not
 
 of Hmerican Statesmen 
 
 remarkable for his veracity; quite 
 when the success of his hook and Lii ■ 
 
 subject of his story. 
 
 One day he was "out" with Mr. 
 Both were standing in the brook waitu . 
 
 tiently for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John 
 in what manner he had caught a very large 
 trout on a former occasion. 
 
 "Your Honor," said John, "that 
 well for a gentleman; but on< e, when I 
 standing by that bush yonder, I took a fish that 
 weighed two pounds." 
 
 "Ah, John, John!'' interrupted Mr. V 
 ster, "you are an amphibious animal; > 
 in the water, and you lie out of it." 
 
 Webster was once delivering an I 
 Faneuil Hall on the ne< 
 ertion and unflinching patriotic 
 dangers that threatened the j*)litical \ 
 principles he espoused, when he j I 
 terrible sway of the | 
 quent on the rush of th< 
 and noted that dai 
 stopped short in the middl< 
 vanced to the I the plati 
 
 his arms in an authoritative attil
 
 144 TMt ano Ibumor 
 
 stentorian voice, cried out : " Let each man 
 stand firm." The effect was instantaneous. 
 Each man stood firm ; the great heaving mass 
 of humanity regained its equilibrium and, save 
 the long breath of relief that filled the air, per- 
 fect stillness ensued. "That," exclaimed the 
 great orator, " is what we call self-government ! " 
 — so apt an illustration of the principle he was 
 expounding that the vast audience responded 
 with deafening cheers. 
 
 Mr. Webster had accepted the office of Secre- 
 tary of State, but did not meet the new Presi- 
 dent in Washington until eight or ten days be- 
 fore the inauguration. 
 
 It seems that he had prepared an inaugural 
 address for General Harrison. One day, among 
 other arrangements, he suggested to the new 
 President, in as delicate a way as he could, the 
 fact that he had sketched an inaugural, know- 
 ing that General Harrison would be over- 
 whelmed with calls and business after his elec- 
 tion, and he himself having leisure to write. 
 The General at once replied that it was not 
 necessary ; that he had prepared his own inau- 
 gural. 
 
 "Oh, yes," said he; "I have got all that 
 ready. ' '
 
 of Bmerfcan Statcmcn 
 
 "Will you allow n. 
 read it to-niglu?" asked Mr. 
 
 '•Certainly," the President replied, •■ 
 please let me take j 
 
 So they exchanged their documents; a:. I 
 next morning, when they met, (icneral 1: 
 son said to Mr. Webster : 
 
 "If I should read vour inaug 
 mine, everybody would know that you wrote it, 
 and that I did not. Now, this is the only < : 
 paper which I propose to write, t I 
 tend to interfere with my 
 
 is a sort of acknowledgment on my ; 
 American people of the great In 
 
 conferred upon me in elevating I 
 
 otii« e ; and although ot 
 
 able as yours, still it is mi:. 
 
 let the people have it 
 
 I must deliver my own instC as." 
 
 Mr. Webster deal annoyed lo- 
 
 calise the mes 
 ment and taste, so ina p propriate. 
 
 largely into Roman nil 
 deal to say about the 
 Roman Proconsuls, and van 
 
 kind. Indeed, the 
 peated in it a great many tin 
 When he found that tin-
 
 146 tuatt ano Ibumor 
 
 upon using his own inaugural, Mr. Webster said 
 that his desire was to modify it, and to get in 
 some things that were not there and get out 
 some things that were there ; for, as it then stood, 
 he said it had no more to do with the affairs of 
 the American Government and people than a 
 chapter of the Koran. Mr. Webster suggested 
 to General Harrison that he should like to put 
 in some things, and General Harrison rather 
 reluctantly consented to let him take it. Mr. 
 W T ebster spent a portion of the next day in mod- 
 ifying the inaugural. Mrs. Seaton remarked to 
 him, when he came home rather late that day, 
 that he looked fatigued and worried ; but he re- 
 plied that he was sorry that she had waited 
 dinner for him. 
 
 " That is of no consequence at all, Mr. Web- 
 ster," she said; "but I am sorry to see you 
 look so worried and tired. I hope nothing has 
 gone wrong. I really hope nothing has hap- 
 pened." 
 
 " You would think that something had hap- 
 pened," he replied, " if you knew what I have 
 done. I have killed seventeen Roman Procon- 
 suls as dead as smelts every one of them."
 
 CHAPTER X 
 11 Way Ddam South" 
 The late Sen n \ an 
 
 — or at lea.^t, everybody who knew him {*■: 
 ally, was very fond of telling stories. i' 
 were to visit his native 
 
 hear him referred to as Senator — to r 
 
 who knew and loved him, and even to his 
 
 enemies he was known as Zcb Vance 1 
 
 everybody he ever rame in < 
 
 refer to him as Zeb. His frie: 
 
 s< ores of stories told him by the vetei 
 
 lator. One which was a prime favorite with 
 him ran in this way : 
 
 Asheville, which i^ now the no 
 city in Western North Carolina, was ' 
 
 small pla< • 
 
 the path o\ travel, ami the only man in the 
 
 vicinity who could read was .1 
 
 name of Brown. When a ] 
 
 lished there. Brown was naturally i 
 
 master. 1 1 
 of a sinecure, 
 
 1;:
 
 148 1UW anfc Ibumor 
 
 Brown had a little general store, which was a 
 favorite lounging place for all the men in the 
 vicinity. On a winter day, when a crowd was 
 gathered in the store, some one suggested that 
 they should subscribe for a weekly paper in 
 common, so as to be able to keep up with what 
 was going on in the outer world. This was 
 done, and the men assembled in the store 
 weekly to hear Brown read the news. 
 
 Brown was very conscientious. He began at 
 the top of the first column of the first page and 
 read straight down through the advertisements 
 and all, just as he came to them. This was a 
 slow process and several lengthy sittings were 
 necessary to complete one issue of the paper. 
 When the spring came and the men were kept 
 busy with their farm work they found that they 
 couldn't spare more than a day or two out of a 
 week for the readings. 
 
 Brown found that he was falling behind at 
 this rate, and when the men began to stay away 
 except when rain prevented their doing outdoor 
 work, the papers accumulated on his hands. 
 He adopted a plan of reading the papers in 
 order, forming a stack of sheaving, the latest 
 issue underneath, and taking them off the top 
 one by one as he came to them, and his auditors 
 were none the wiser. The stack kept growing
 
 of Bmcncan Statesmen if 
 
 upon him, in spite of his b« 
 
 the Mexican war broke out there 
 
 ble pile to attend to. Since the oeighb i 
 
 depended altogether upon the ft 
 
 ings for its news, it happened that no 
 
 heard anything about the outbreak of tl 
 
 until some months after peace bad been de- 
 clared. 
 
 The paper containing the first DC 
 fighting was listened to with 
 citement, and when battle after battk 
 about, the excitement be< d'.nc intC 
 neighbors felt that there was but one thi 
 them to do as patriotic Americans and the] 
 it. A military company comprifl 
 of fighting age within the radius of I 
 Brown was organized. The men \\< 
 with flintlock rifles and dressed in 
 They marched as far as Salisbury bl 
 were informed of the real state of thinj 
 war had been over a year. Ti.< 
 back to Asheville, and Brow:, 
 the town when the brave soldi* I 
 they had been duped. 
 
 A good story is toM 
 
 ferring to a time when h< 
 canvas for votes in a ba< k ■•■
 
 150 lait anD Dumor 
 
 where he was entirely unacquainted. An an- 
 nouncement that he would speak at a crossroads 
 settlement, consisting of a grocery store and one 
 house, brought out about sixty men of voting 
 age whom he found waiting for him when he 
 rode up. He dismounted, hitched his horse, 
 and began to crack jokes in the regulation 
 backwoods style. 
 
 He nattered himself that he was making a 
 rather favorable impression, but noticed that one 
 old man with brass-bowed spectacles and an air 
 of deep thought sat upon an empty box and 
 drew marks in the sand with a stick, as if 
 Vance were not worthy of any particular atten- 
 tion. As Vance expressed it, he thought that 
 this old man was the bell wether of the flock, 
 and he accordingly prepared to capture him. 
 He sidled up to the old man, who leaned for- 
 ward on his stick and asked solemnly : 
 
 " This is Mr. Vance, I believe ? " 
 
 "Yes, sir," replied Vance. 
 
 " And you've come here to see my boys about 
 voting ? ' ' 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "Well, afore you go on I want to ax you a 
 question or two. What church do you belong 
 to?" 
 
 Vance said that this question was a poser, as
 
 of American Statesmen i.m 
 
 he didn't really belong to an) church. I 
 
 was very important lor him to win ti.< 
 he decided to make a bluff M he kne.. 
 factional feeling ran high m the He 
 
 sqnared himself and .said >lowly : •• Well, my 
 friend, it's a fair question, and I'll tell \ 
 about it. You see my grandfather < am- 
 Scotland, and of course he \\ , 
 
 He paused to note the . man 
 
 made no sign. "But my grandmol 
 from England, and the- 
 the Episcopal Church." 1' 
 but the old man kept his eyes 00 tin- . 
 
 "My father was born in this and 
 
 grew up as a Methodist." Still then 
 sign of approval from the old man. 
 
 Vance began to feel uncomfortable, 
 one last effort. " Hut my m< 
 and it's my opinion that a ma: 
 under water to get to heaven." 
 
 The old man got up and took \ 
 "You're all right," lie said ami tun.: 
 crowd went on: "Boya he'll i\o. I I 
 he looked like a Baptist" The 
 mountain dew was 
 
 ceived the unanimous vote of the neighborhood 
 when election time came around.
 
 152 Wiit anD Ibumor 
 
 Vance once stumped the State in joint debate 
 with Judge Settle, the Republican candidate for 
 the Governorship. All the white Democrats 
 turned out to hear Vance, and the colored Re- 
 publicans came to hear Settle. At the con- 
 clusion of the speaking one day, Vance was told 
 that a number of young women had expressed a 
 desire to kiss the Democratic candidate. 
 
 He stepped down from the platform and 
 kissed a dozen or so of the pretty young women, 
 when he stopped long enough to turn around to 
 his competitor and shout : "I'm kissing my 
 girls, Settle ; now you kiss yours. ' ' 
 
 J 
 
 " Out in my state," says a Missouri Congress- 
 man, " we used to have a Governor by the name 
 of Stewart. This was way back when I was a 
 boy. They tell how Stewart, among others, 
 was once entertaining the Prince of Wales, on 
 \he occasion many years ago when he visited 
 this country. They gave a great ball in St. 
 Louis in the Prince's honor. Stewart came 
 down from Jefferson City to do credit to it. He 
 and the Prince were stationed on a little plat- 
 form raised for them at one side of the hall. 
 So stationed the beauty and brilliancy, and the 
 blue blood of St. Louis swept by them in daz-
 
 01 Bmerican Statesmen 
 
 zling review. The spectacle 
 
 feelings several notches. His bosom BW< 
 
 Finally in a tremendous impulse born 
 
 and glory, he administered a mighty slap tu the 
 royal back, and exclaimed : 
 
 M Prince, don't you wish you were I 
 of Missouri ? " 
 
 Senator Blackburn is a thorough K' 
 and has all the local pride of one bom in the 
 blue-grass section of his State. 1 It- 
 prejudice against being taken for an Indi 
 which seems inherent in all native i 
 tuckians. While coming to 
 sessions ago, he was approached in the Pullman 
 coach by a New Yorker, who, after bow;- 
 litely to him, said : 
 
 u Is not this Senator Blackburn of India- 
 
 The Kentuckian sprang from his 
 glaring at his interlocutor ezclaime 
 
 " No, sir, by . The H 
 
 is I have been si< k 
 
 " In anti-bellum d poli- 
 
 tician, u it used to be the fashid 
 ical aspirants for the same offii e tO 5t 
 district together, each one <:
 
 154 "CCM ano Ibumor 
 
 the popular vote. I remember on one occasion 
 the rival candidates in an Alabama district were 
 men of about equal natural ability, but the edu- 
 cational advantages of Mr. B. had been very- 
 much better than those of Mr. C. On the day 
 of which I am speaking Mr. B. had embellished 
 his speech with sundry classical allusions. 
 Among others he spoke of the devotion of Cur- 
 tius to his country. Mr. C, who was one of 
 the most eager listeners, whispered to a friend, 
 1 Who is this fellow Curtis that he's talking 
 about ? ' 'If you had read your Roman history, ' 
 was the reply, ' you would know that Curtius 
 threw himself into the gulf in the forum for the 
 safety of Rome.' Mr. C. was not a classical 
 scholar, but he had wit enough to make good 
 use of a hint. When in his speech the time 
 came to make a telling thrust, he exclaimed, 
 * My friend speaks of Curtius ; he threw himself 
 into a gulf to save his country, but here is a man 
 who would throw his country into the gulf to 
 save himself! ' " 
 
 Some years ago, when the Greenback party 
 held at least some strength in the West and 
 South, one of their orators delivered an address 
 for his party at Winfield, Putnam County, Vir-
 
 of Bmerican Statesmen i.v» 
 
 ginia. When in the zenith <>f his - 
 
 was stopped by a powerful voii g the 
 
 listeners. 
 
 " Look here, sah. May I ask you a question, 
 sah?" 
 
 " Yes, sah; you may, sah." 
 
 "Well, sah, I want to know, sah, [fyo 
 not the man, sah, that I had down har in jail, 
 sah, for hog-stealing, sah ? " 
 
 11 Yes, sah, 1 am, sah," came the :• 
 "but I got clar, sah." 
 
 ****** 
 
 In sunshine and storm the sense of humor of 
 Senator Vest lias always been one of hi> excelling 
 qualities. As a candidate before the people his 
 speeches brimmed with quaint story and all 
 In Wayne County, Missouri, in the early - 
 ties, when Vest was a candidate in opposition 
 to a wealthy citizen, he summed up his claim m 
 a few words in one of his brilliant spe© he*. 
 
 "The gentleman who opposes me," 
 "is a man of wealth and position. I am 0) 
 poor ragged ex-Confederate soldier. 
 your support." 
 
 **.■•.** 
 
 One afternoon driving along a Washii 
 
 street, he compared his State of health to that of 
 a certain ancient nc
 
 156 mit ano toumor 
 
 "See here, Sam," asked the negro's friend, 
 " what's the matter with you ? " 
 
 "Don't know, boss," said the old darky, 
 "but I think dat I am a-sufferin' wif anno 
 domino." 
 
 A good story is told on the late Senator Vance. 
 He was traveling down in North Carolina, when 
 he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He 
 had known the old man for many years, so he 
 took the liberty of inquiring where he was 
 going. 
 
 "I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way 
 to de tabernacle of de Lord." 
 
 " Are you an Episcopalian ? " inquired Vance. 
 
 "No, sah, I can't say dat' I am an Epispo- 
 kapillian." 
 
 " Maybe you are a Baptist ? " 
 
 " No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried 
 wid de Lord in de waters of baptism." 
 
 " Oh, I see you are a Methodist." 
 
 " No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of does who 
 hold to argyments of de faith of de Medodists." 
 
 "What are you, then, uncle?" 
 
 "I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same 
 as you is." 
 
 "Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say
 
 ot American Statesmen I n 
 
 that you subscribe to all the articles of the . 
 
 byterian faith? " 
 
 "'Deed I do, sah." 
 
 "Do you believe in the doctrine uf election 
 to be saved ? ' ' 
 
 " Yes, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of lection 
 most firmly and un'quivactin'ly." 
 
 "Well then tell me, do you believe that I am 
 elected to be saved ? ' ' 
 
 The old darky hesitated. There was un- 
 doubtedly a terrific struggle going OQ ID his 
 mind between his veracity and his desire to l>e 
 polite to the Senator. Finally he comproo 
 by saying : 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you how it i 
 You see I's never heard of anybody l>cm' 
 'lected to anything for what they wa- 
 didate. Has you, sah ? " 
 
 Among the amusing discus I CT« 
 
 tain Legislative session at Tallall thai 
 
 on a bill of Sullivan's, of Escambia, 
 for the prompt slaughter of rabid d 
 Reading Clerk had jusl read the title wo 
 colored man, a representative i tf the 
 
 interior counties, arose, and wit!, 
 and dignity said :
 
 158 1Utt ano Dumor 
 
 ''Mr. Speaker, I am opposed to that bill. I 
 am opposed to it because I don't see why rabbit 
 dogs should be killed any quicker than any 
 other kind of dogs. I've got a rabbit dog. He 
 ain't much on looks, but I tell you there ain't a 
 dog in the county can beat him." 
 
 Immediately after the war, when the accession 
 of negro recruits was considered an important 
 feature by the Democratic party in the South, 
 great results were looked for in Louisiana from 
 the conversion of a smart young mulatto, who 
 was expected to sway by his superior informa- 
 tion and loquacity the rank and file of the darker 
 brethren. 
 
 In his first stump speech at a political meet- 
 ing he touched upon the question which was 
 then agitating the North, as to the eligibility of 
 the Confederate brigadier-generals for Congress. 
 
 "Now, my friends," he said, "de question 
 is dis : is it de Christian way not to forgive dese 
 generals what fought according ter dere princi- 
 puls ? A political party hez got ter be run by 
 de same high principuls ez eny other business. 
 Dese here 'Publicans pretends ter be Christians. 
 All I ax is do they ac' dat part in de questions 
 ob forgiveness ? Say, fur de sake ob de argu-
 
 of Bmerfcan statesmen 
 
 ment, dat dey hez done wrong ; didn't de 
 Prodigal Son do de same? An' what did his 
 fader do? Dat young man had been in de bar- 
 rooms, feeding in de pigpen among de husks 
 an' swine, yet de fader welcome him ba< 
 his arms. Dat's jest what de 'Publican party 
 an' de big fader up at de White House - 
 ter do — welcome dem back with open a: 
 de buzzom ob de Union, and kill fur dem de- 
 fatted calf. Dat's what dey ought ter di 
 friends. Dey calls demselves Christians ; let 
 dem a'quit demselves under dat prediction."
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 Benton and Douglas and Their Colleagues 
 
 Thomas H. Benton had a way of telling a 
 story that the wits of to-day might be proud of, 
 if they could beg or borrow it. Reading some 
 of his recent stump speeches, interspersed with 
 frequent piquant passages of humor, we were 
 reminded of a sudden explosion of his maga- 
 zine of ridicule, when, in the year 1841, the 
 famous John Tyler Bank Bill was introduced 
 into the United States Senate, with the pro- 
 tracted title of "An Act to provide for the bet- 
 ter collection, safe-keeping, and disbursement 
 of the public revenue, by means of a corpora- 
 tion to be styled the Fiscal Corporation of the 
 United States." 
 
 Instantly on the title being read, Mr. Benton 
 exclaimed, — 
 
 ' ' Heavens, what a name ! long as the moral 
 law. The people will never stand it. They 
 cannot go through all that. Corporosity ! that 
 would be a great abridgment ; but still it is too 
 long. It is five syllables ; and people will not 
 160
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 
 
 go above two syllables, or • 
 
 they often hang at one. I . 
 
 The people will have them, though they sjkjiI a 
 
 good long one to make 
 
 was a most beautiful y 
 
 leans some years ago, as there always bai 
 
 and still are many such. She I 
 
 that is to say, l>orn in this country i I 
 
 from Europe. A gentleman, w\ ding 
 
 a splendid steamboat, took it into hi 
 
 honor this beautiful young . 
 
 her name with his \ 
 
 it, in golden letters the captivatii 
 
 of La Belle Creole-. The vt 
 
 and the name was beautiful, and the I dy was 
 
 beautiful ; but all the beaut] 
 
 save the name from the catastrophe tO whl 
 long titles are subjected. At firs! • 
 her the ■ bell,' — not the 
 signifies 4 fine ' or * beautiful ' ; 
 
 English 'bell,' defined in S 
 tinkling cymbal. This wai 
 
 worse was coming. It bo happens tfc u tl 
 
 nacular pronunciation I I 
 
 tueky waters i- 'ere-nwi ' ; so they - 
 
 there to rail this beautiful 
 
 But things did not stop ti • 
 
 travagant to em pi' one
 
 162 lUtt ano Dumor 
 
 would answer as well, and be so much more 
 economical ; so the first half of the name was 
 dropped, and the last retained ; and thus La 
 Belle Creole — the beautiful Creole — sailed up 
 and down the Mississippi all her life by the 
 name, style, title, and description of The Owl" 
 
 Roars of laughter in the Senate followed this 
 story, and on went Benton with two or three 
 more ; but we will repeat but one of them, — the 
 last, and with which he concluded his remarks. 
 
 <( I do not pretend to impose a name upon 
 this bantling ; that is a privilege of paternity or 
 of sponsorship, and I stand in neither relation- 
 ship to this babe. But a name of brevity — of 
 brevity and significance — it must have ; and if 
 the fathers and sponsors do not bestow it, the 
 people will, for a long name is abhorred and 
 eschewed in all countries. Remember the fate 
 of John Barebone, the canting hypocrite in 
 Cromwell's time. He had a very good name, 
 John Barebone ; but the knave composed a long 
 verse, like Scripture, to sanctify himself with it, 
 and entitled himself thus : ' Praise God Bare- 
 bone ; for if Christ had not died for you, you 
 would be damned Barebone.' Now this was 
 very sanctimonious, but it was too long, — too 
 much of a good thing ; and so the people cut it 
 all off but the last two words, and called the
 
 ot Bmetican Statesmen 
 
 fellow * Damned Barebone,' and nothing 
 
 all his life after. So let this< 
 
 it may get itself damned before it ifl 
 
 us, and Tyler, too." 
 
 In the autumn of 1870 I was in St. 1 
 says Oliver Dyer, and embraced theoppor 
 to talk with some of Benton's - ,';x)r.s. 
 
 They were ready enough to talk about bio . 
 I heard a few anecdotes that we: 
 istic of him, that I seemed to hear his 
 see his imperious bearing in them. V 
 before, when the C/ar Ni« : 
 conspicuous personage : 
 telling how strangers knelt in his ; 
 finishing the narrative the 
 Benton : 
 
 "I suppose, Colonel, that you « 
 think of kneeling to the < 1 which he 
 
 responded, with his most imperial v. 
 "No, sir! No, sir I An Amerio 
 to God and woman, 
 
 ***** 
 
 In 1856 Benton was rum. 
 Missouri (he left tl 1 
 opponent named Ti 
 the State, and on 1
 
 164 Ulit and tmmor 
 
 stepped forward to speak, he began by saying, 
 in a meditative style : 
 
 "T-r-u-s-t-en Polk! T-r-u-s-t-en Polk! A 
 man that nobody trusts ; a knave in politics and 
 a hyprocrite in religion." 
 
 A few years before, Benton was running for 
 Congress in Missouri. He and his rival met 
 several times in public debate before their con- 
 stituents. On one occasion his opponent in- 
 dulged in some severe remarks upon Benton's 
 integrity, or rather lack of integrity, and in- 
 sinuated charges of a defamatory character. 
 Benton arose, walked up to him, and after look- 
 ing him fiercely in the eye for a moment, shook 
 his fist in his face, and shouted : 
 
 " You lie, sir ! You lie, sir ! I cram the lie 
 down your throat, sir ! " 
 
 In 1S15 Benton went to Missouri, then a Ter- 
 ritory, inhabited by a fierce population, where 
 his fights continued, with the usual result. What 
 the result was may be inferred from a declara- 
 tion he made in the Senate, after a Senator had 
 referred to what he called "a quarrel " of Ben- 
 ton's. "Mr. President, sir," said the great
 
 ox Rmerican Statesmen 
 
 Missourian sternly, "the Senatoi is mis'. 
 sir. I never quarrel, sir j but I sometime 
 
 and whenever I fight, sir, a funeral fall) 
 
 A short time after Calhoun's deaf:, 
 said to Benton, "I suppose, Colonel, j 
 pursue Calhoun beyond the grave?" to which 
 he replied : 
 
 "No, sir! When Cod Almighty 
 hand upon a man, sir, I take mi: • 
 
 After completing his thirty years m the Senate, 
 or six lustrums, as it was the classical 
 the press to call it then, BentOO m 
 Missouri in consequence of his p •; the 
 
 slavery question in general, and the Kl 
 Nebraska bill in particular. Then the peO] 
 his district sent him to the House of R 
 atives fur a term. He W2S 
 trifles when he chose to think them 
 Among the gnats at which hi 
 strained was the opinion that the 
 March, and consequently the I 
 
 ended at midnight of I 
 
 noon on the fourth, a- unbroken U 
 
 it. So on the last morning the old j
 
 166 vait anD Ibumot 
 
 made himself about as pleasantly sympathetic as 
 the trick mule of anecdote or the bull-in-the- 
 china-shop of tradition. To prove that Congress 
 had ceased to exist, that consequently the House 
 of Representatives could not possibly be in 
 session, he sat with his hat on, talked loudly, 
 romped about the floor, and finally refused to 
 vote or answer to his name when the roll was 
 called. At last the Speaker, the Hon. James L. 
 Orr, of South Carolina, picked him up, and put 
 an end to these legislative larks. " No, sir ; no, 
 sir; no, sir," shouted the venerable Missourian, 
 " I will not vote. I have no right to vote. 
 This is no House, and I am not a member of it." 
 " Then, sir," said Speaker Orr, like a flash, with 
 his sweetest manner, "if the gentleman is not a 
 member of this House, the Sergeant-at-Arms 
 will please put him out." And so this vast con- 
 stitutional question settled itself. 
 
 When Lord Elgin came to this country to 
 negotiate the reciprocity treaty between the 
 United States and Canada, a breakfast was given 
 in Washington by the Consul-General of British 
 North America. Among those present were 
 Lord Elgin, his Secretary Laurence Oliphant, 
 Thomas H. Benton, Caleb Cushing, Colonel Fre-
 
 ot American Statesmen 169 
 
 mont, Gen. Isaac I. Stevens, who iraa .'.::• 
 
 killed in the battle of Chantillv ; Col. William 
 W. Snow, member of Congress from N< i i 
 
 Edwin Forrest, and quite a Dumber o( othi 
 
 After the guests bad been unite. 1 tin- 
 came to the old lawyer white with COO 
 He had invited Genera] Cushinji 
 Benton, and had just learned that I 
 deadly enemies. He feared some outbreak if 
 they met. He asked what he should do. The 
 old lawyer told him that he would M 
 him. He visited Colonel Denton and 
 
 "Colonel, you and Cushing have I 
 invited to breakfast with Lord Elgin. I be host 
 has just learned of the unpleasant relatio: 
 isting between you. There is some feai thai it 
 might not be pleasant for you to i . I*\c 
 
 come here to let you know be fo rehai 
 you may avoid the meeting if J 
 
 " You go and tell the host, sir, that 
 are my associates for the time being," 1 
 replied. " I shall treat Gener I I 
 guest entertained by a mutual fi 
 I've no doubt he will treat n 
 ner. I assure you there will be 
 as I am concerned, sir. and I have no 
 there will be any disturbance on hifl | 
 
 They met at the breakfast table I
 
 168 TUait ano Ibumor 
 
 Benton addressed General Cushing, tipped his 
 glass to him and said: "General Cushing, a 
 glass of wine with you, if you please." 
 
 They both drank, but the entente eordiale did 
 not continue after they left the breakfast table. 
 On the next day they were enemies, and they 
 remained so as long as they lived.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 Lobby and Cloah-Room Yams 
 
 The cloak-rooms and lol pitol 
 
 are very often scenes of relaxation among our 
 legislators; there the rancor> of debate and the 
 bitterness of personal feeling are laid 
 all animosities are forgotten in the inten 
 of story and reminis< en< e. N<>t hall oJ th< 
 things told in the cloak-rooms gel into print, but 
 here are a few of the late ' 
 
 Thaddeus Steven • bill 
 
 in Congress which aroused the Opposition of the 
 combined Southern member-. He 
 brilliant speech in favor of it and equally bril- 
 liant speeches were made on the Othei 
 the upshot <^ it was that St- 
 affer a very bitter and paaskmati 
 bate. 
 
 Stevens was still boiling wit!; d 
 and bitterness when T 
 taunting way, asked him : 
 
 '• Well how do you fee. 
 
 "Feel?" snapped back S ? I
 
 170 iXXit ano toumot 
 
 feel like the poor man at the rich man'b gate, 
 who was licked by the dogs." 
 
 ^ ^ ^ %. %■ %■ 
 
 " The best thing I have heard at ex-President 
 Harrison's expense," said Samuel S. Cox, one 
 day, " was said by a prominent Western Senator 
 who is celebrated for his humorous way of 
 putting things. ' Don't talk to me about Ben 
 Harrison,' he said. * Why, he used to bring his 
 lunch to the Capitol every day, sit on it all 
 morning, and then eat it cold.' " 
 
 ^ ^ %■ %■ # %■ 
 
 The next anecdote was related by the Hon. 
 John C. Hutcheson, of Texas. Josiah Patterson, 
 of Tennessee, had happened to remark in his 
 anti-silver speech that we had come to the fork of 
 two roads. Mr. Hutcheson said this reminded 
 him of an old colored man he once knew. His 
 minister had said that " broad am de road that 
 leadeth to destruction and straight and narrow 
 am de path that leadeth to eternal damnation." 
 
 At this the old darky jumped to his feet shout- 
 ing, " Fo' God ! If dat am de case den dis yer 
 nigger takes straight to de woods." 
 
 ^s ;Je :|! ^c :£ ♦ 
 
 "When any question of grave public con- 
 cern is on the carpet," said Congressman Allen
 
 of Bmerfcati Statesmen iti 
 
 one day, " it is the habit of some of theiNew 
 
 York papers to round up anywhere from two 
 dozen to forty reporters who never I 
 Washington in their lives, dump them into 
 and send them over to do interviewing. The 
 men themselves are not to blame be 
 do as they are ordered ; nor are they to In- 
 sured for lack of intimate personal knowled. 
 Senators and Representatives. ( )n arriving in 
 Washington they brush the dubt from their 
 clothes and make a wild rush for the Capitol. 
 One of them was in the corridor back of the 
 Senate chamber when our Nebraska 
 came along. 
 
 " ' Are you Mr. Manderson? ' lie asked. 
 
 "'I am Senator Manderson,' was the some- 
 what formal response. 
 
 " * What State are you from ? ' 
 
 "The Senator l I him with I 
 
 western stare. 'Young man,' he Baid, ' 
 your paper own a Congre>sion.il I » 
 
 " 'Oh, I sup] 
 you think about silver ? ' 
 
 " ' I think,' he responded, as he 
 the door and held it partly 0] H .'!:.: 
 it is a metal. I have DO Otha 
 
 * * * : ?- 
 
 A story told about Congrc a Sul-
 
 172 ISIM ano Dumot 
 
 zer, of New York, concerns the passage of the 
 bill in the Fifty-fourth Congress creating the In- 
 dustrial Labor Commission. The author of this 
 measure was T. W. Phillips, of Pennsylvania. 
 It passed the Senate in the closing hours of the 
 session and was sent to President Cleveland for 
 signature. 
 
 Mr. Cleveland was at the Capitol, as is cus- 
 tomary at such times, and was ready to sign such 
 bills as met his approval. Mr. Phillips, Mr. 
 Sulzer and other gentlemen waited on him to 
 explain any points on which he might be doubt- 
 ful. When they reached the President's room 
 they found the door locked and a grim custodian 
 who declared that the President did not wish to 
 be disturbed. Time was flying, the last mo- 
 ments of the Congress were slipping out of ex- 
 istence and there was no telling what Mr. Cleve- 
 land was doing behind that locked door. Mr. 
 Sulzer came to the rescue. 
 
 "Gentlemen," he announced, " we will get 
 into that room if we have to break in the door." 
 After awhile it opened. Mr. Cleveland was eat- 
 ing a somewhat bounteous luncheon. 
 
 Mr. Sulzer struck an attitude. "Mr. Presi- 
 dent," he said, "we wish to call your attention 
 to a bill in which every labor organization is 
 vitally interested." He then went on, giving
 
 ct Bmertcan Statesmen L7I 
 
 the title of the bill and expatiatii] terits. 
 
 After a time Mr. Phillips nudged htm 
 whispered that time wa .hurt, but Mr. 
 
 Sulzer was making a line sped ii and would 
 cut it short. At last he concluded with a 
 eloquent peroration, whereupon Mi. I 
 with conviction written on every line of his 
 countenance picked up a pen and started ti 
 the bill. Suddenly he paused, looked at his 
 watch and laid down the pen. •• Gentlemen," 
 he said, " I was familiar with the menu of this 
 bill and fully intended to sign it. Put 1 : 
 myself in listening to the eloquent words i : 
 gentleman from Xew York. It is i 
 tunately after twelve o'clock, the : urth 
 
 Congress has expired, and I am : 
 ident of the United States. I have, I 
 no power to sign the bill." 
 
 But the next Congress passed the bill. 
 the President signed it without further to: 
 interruptions. 
 
 Many a good Story is told of I 
 
 vens, who led the Repul I 
 
 during the civil war and 
 
 In his last days, when all saw that 1. 
 fast drawing to a I lose. 1 I v. | R
 
 174 XQit anfc ftmmor 
 
 Chauncey, two employees of the House of Rep- 
 resentatives, used to carry him in a large arm- 
 chair from his lodgings across the public grounds 
 up the broad stairs of the Capitol. 
 
 " Who," he said to them one day, "will be 
 so good to me, and bear me in their strong arms 
 when you two mighty men are gone ? ' ' 
 
 When Stevens had taken to his bed for the 
 last time a visitor told him he was looking well. 
 
 " Oh John," was the quick reply, "it is not 
 my appearance, but my disappearance that 
 troubles me." 
 
 One day a member of the House of Repre- 
 sentatives who was noted for his uncertain course 
 on all questions, and who confessed that he never 
 investigated a point under discussion without 
 finding himself a neutral, asked for leave of ab- 
 sence. 
 
 "Mr. Speaker," said Stevens, "I do not rise 
 to object, but to suggest that the honorable 
 member need not ask this favor, for he can 
 easily pair off with himself ! ' ' 
 
 One anecdote always remembered in connec- 
 tion with Stevens illustrates his unostentatious
 
 ot Bmcrlcan Statesmen vn 
 
 chanty. A begger woman met him one morn- 
 ing as he was limping to the Ho\ 
 
 ''Oh, sir," she said, "I have just lost all the 
 money I had in the world I " 
 
 "And how much wis that ? " 
 
 "Oh, sir, it was seventy-five cents." 
 
 " You don't say so," he replied patting 
 bill in her hand. "And how wonderful it is 
 that I should have found what you lost I 
 ^ ♦ # ♦ 
 
 Representative Cannon of Illinois tells a good 
 story of himself and " Sunset Cox." The 
 York Representative had had some things to say 
 about a citizen of Mr. Cannon's State, and the 
 Illinoisan wanted to defend his constit 
 
 "Will the gentleman from New York yield to 
 me? " said Mr. Cannon. 
 
 "Certainly," said Mr. Cox. 
 
 " For how long? " inquired the Speaker. 
 
 " As long as the gentleman from Illinois will 
 keep his hands in his pockets," said M: I 
 laughingly. 
 
 Mr. Cannon accepted the tenm ami | 
 with his remarks. He uttered just o: 
 and a half, and then his hands which had l>cen 
 snugly stuck into his pockets, cam- 
 were flying through the air like a couple of wind- 
 mills.
 
 176 lUit and ibumor 
 
 " Time's up," said Mr. Cox, who knew his 
 man, and then Mr. Cannon sat down. 
 
 Mark Hanna, Chairman of the Republican 
 National Committee, isn't a story-teller. So he 
 doesn't tell this story. Another man in the 
 cloak-room told it, however. It was when Mr. 
 Hanna was at the Republican National Conven- 
 tion at St. Louis. Everybody knew that Mc- 
 Kinley was going to be nominated for the Presi- 
 dency, but the important question was who would 
 be the Vice-Presidential nominee. There were 
 a dozen candidates, most of whose names are now 
 forgotten. Everybody believed that whomever 
 the McKinley strength supported would be the 
 nominee, and everybody was anxious to know 
 whom Mr. Hanna favored for the office. A 
 politician in search of information met Mr. 
 Hanna on the eve of the second day of the Con- 
 vention. 
 
 " Who will be nominated ? " he asked. 
 
 "McKinley, of course," replied Hanna. 
 
 " Oh, pshaw, of course, of course ; but I want 
 to know about the Vice-Presidency." 
 
 "Very well," said Mr. Hanna, "come over 
 here in a corner away from this crowd and I'll 
 tell you something."
 
 ot Hmerican Statesmen it: 
 
 The two men drew away from the other 
 then Mr. Hanna whispered, 
 
 11 Do you want to know the name of the next 
 Vice-President? " 
 
 "Yes," was the eager reply. 
 
 " I am sure I don't know. I think you had 
 better consult a clairvoyant." 
 
 Michigan is one of the few States in the Union 
 where capital punishment is forbidden by 
 and the people are very tenacious of the 
 name of the State in that respect, and although 
 many persons in every Legislature for many 
 years have undertaken to restore the death pen- 
 alty, the proposition has always been defe 
 But the question hobs up serenely with 
 Legislature; there is any amount 
 long contests in each 1 1 
 
 Some years ago an amusing thing hap] 
 while the debate on this bill was pending in tin- 
 House at Lansing. Three able and loud lu 
 Representatives who sat near ea< h Other on the 
 right side of the House mad< 
 and vigorous speo hes on tl 
 favor of the hanging bill. When tl 
 took his seat a young man oi ' 
 the House rose quickly
 
 178 vntt an& fmmot 
 
 [ rise to a question of privilege." u The gentle- 
 man will state his question of privilege, ' ' said the 
 Speaker. "Mr. Speaker," continued the ; 
 
 man, "I want to inquire of our friends on the 
 other side of the House which they think is pref- 
 erable to be hanged or talked to death. ' ' This 
 statement was greeted with great applause, 
 promptly checked, however, and turned against 
 its author by a big voiced member •• ..: rose 
 right back of the three offenders, and called out 
 in a boiler-factory voice : " Well, if you're going 
 to talk, we prefer to be hanged." 
 
 *■ jjc x x # -x 
 
 " Tracey, I •■vis?, yon inside the 
 
 r a minute; I am going to make amo- 
 tion," said General Sickles, while strolling about 
 the lobby during the time a certain River a::d 
 Harbor Bill was under consideration. He ad- 
 dressed his colleague from New York State. 
 
 ••What"; your motion?" inquire! Mr. 
 Tracey. 
 
 "I am going to move that the Chief of 
 Engineers be required to make an estimate of 
 the cost of moving some of those Western towns 
 near the rivers out there. It's proving too ex- 
 pensive to run the rivers to them."
 
 ot 'American 9tatC*mei1 
 
 "My funniest experience," said Frederick 
 Upham Adams, Secretary of the I 
 Press Bureau, "was at the first C 
 which I attended as a delegate, A. I. 
 
 had recently moved into the thirty-fourth 
 of Chicago and was a candidate for meml 
 the Legislature. Hardly any one in the ward 
 knew him at the time. Wt held the < Conven- 
 tion, and the word having been long, 
 everybody was in favor of Jo 
 knew Jones, and I had been elected a de 
 in order to make the nomination. I got np 
 made a rattling speech telling the delegates what 
 a rattling member of the Legislature I 
 would make. Nobody knew me, and while I 
 
 spoke one-half of the delegates prere asking, 
 
 'Who the is Jones?" while the 
 
 half inquired, ■ Who the is 
 
 Nevertheless Jones was nominated by a \ 
 sixty eight to seven." 
 
 Congressman John M. Allen, ut" V 
 once went all the way ■ lnc 
 
 South to attend a banquet When ':.■ 
 
 place at the board he found h 
 
 for the last speech. 1 li- fi v the 
 
 program, and like himself wer 1 by
 
 180 tUit anD Ibumor 
 
 what they thought was thoughtlessness on the 
 part of the committee. 
 
 The Congressman listened to the long ad- 
 dresses, and when his turn came prefaced his 
 remarks thus : 
 
 " Gentlemen, I was somewhat at a loss, at the 
 opening of this feast, to understand why you 
 had asked me to come all the way from Missis- 
 sippi to speak to you and then made my address 
 the last number of your program. Now it is 
 all plain to me. You had to put a bright man 
 at the last to hold the audience." 
 
 William B. Preston of Virginia, was one of 
 the earliest and most efficient partisans of Gen- 
 eral Taylor, and after the election of the latter 
 to the Presidency, it got out that Mr. Preston 
 was to be made Attorney-General — a position 
 for which he was quite unfitted. Senator 
 Archer, of Virginia, hearing the rumor, called 
 upon the President, whereupon this dialogue 
 occurred : 
 
 "I hear," he said, "that you think of ma- 
 king my friend Preston your Attorney-General." 
 
 " Yes," replied Taylor, " I do." 
 
 "Are you aware of the fact," continued the 
 Senator, "that an Attorney-General must repre- 
 sent the government in the Supreme Court? "
 
 ot Bmcrican Statesmen 
 
 "Of course," said Taylor. 
 
 "Do you know that he must there 
 
 Daniel Webster and Reverdy John opjxj- 
 
 sing counsel ' J " 
 
 "Certainly," replied Taylor. ••■. 
 that?" 
 
 "Nothing, except that they will m . 
 of your Attorney-General." 
 
 Without another word, the Virginia 
 took his leave, hut he had made the im- 
 pression. Mr. Preston was made Sc 
 the Navy, probably because lie knew 
 about ships, and Mr. Reverdy 
 made Attorney-! reneral. 
 
 ****** 
 
 Some year:, tor John A.I 
 
 Hon. Isaac N. Arnold were in- : the 
 
 Illinois Legislature. One of the I 
 discussion by that body iras a 
 build a new penitentiary at I 
 The members from •• Egypt, 
 
 HOIS, opposed it, and 
 
 the prison at Alton. Mr. 1 
 
 a bill favoring the latter 
 
 easy to undei 
 
 northern p.m of the State t 
 
 prison statistics showed that 
 
 convicts came from Northern I
 
 182 vait an<> tmmot 
 
 Mr. Arnold said in reply, " What the honor- 
 able gentleman says about the proportion of 
 convicts is true ; but there is this difference be- 
 tween the two parts of the State; in the north 
 we send our criminals to prison ; in the south 
 they send them to the Legislature. ' ' 
 
 Joliet got its appropriation.
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 Greeley ana 
 
 Oliver Johnson relates that he oni • 
 
 panied Mr. Greeley to the church of I 
 Paternity. Doctor ChapiD delivered <>ne 
 sermons, while Mr. Greeley, :sual with 
 
 him, was apparently sleeping in his 
 their return Mr. Johnson expres>ed rej 
 he should have missed such a treat. Mr. I 
 ley immediately repeated to him the prin 
 substance of the discourse, not mistakii 
 omitting any part. 
 
 ****** 
 
 Like others imperfectly taught, he could 
 to despise what he did not know H 
 esteem the curriculum of college 
 ing that was principally a 
 honored cattle," he said, "the most helj '. 
 a printing-office is a college grad 
 ***** 
 
 President Andrew 1 ). W'h it 
 visited Greeley in company with 
 "Mr. Greeley." said he. "th. 
 1-::
 
 184 Wit ano Ibumor 
 
 , of Yale College. He is professor of 
 
 mathematics, and I now expect a conflict be- 
 tween you." Mr. Greeley took up the chal- 
 lenge. "The best educated man that I ever 
 knew, ' ' said he, ' * was Abraham Lincoln ; and 
 he had no instruction in your classics or math- 
 ematics. ' ' 
 
 "Mr. Greeley," said the Professor, warmly, 
 " Mr. Lincoln always acknowledged that he was 
 indebted for much of his mental discipline to a 
 volume of Euclid that came into his hands. 
 Besides, the men who have been delighted and 
 benefited by classical study will never be willing 
 to give up the original languages by which their 
 favorite literature was transmitted." " I drink 
 a great deal of Croton water," said Mr. Greeley, 
 in rejoinder; "but I never thought of swallow- 
 ing ten or twelve rods of lead pipe on that ac- 
 count." 
 
 One day a man paid him twenty dollars. 
 "What is this for?" asked Greeley. "You 
 lent it to me," said the other. " I promised to 
 pay you, and now have done so." "I have 
 lent a great deal of money," replied Mr. Gree- 
 ley, "and the men all promised to pay me. 
 You are the first one that has disappointed me."
 
 of American Statesmen 
 
 Another story has been told, which is both 
 characteristic and true. Mr. Greeley del 
 to expose political abuse-. < I day during the 
 "fifties" an editorial article reprehended the 
 festivities of the tea-room at the City 
 The participants were accused of being u 
 cated "with champagne and Heidsie k." 
 Greeley reached the Tribune offi< e that 
 noon as usual, when Mr. C. A. Dana, hi- 
 assistant, asked: " How, Mr. Greeley, dal that 
 blunder get into the paper,?" Mr. (i: 
 scanned it, but to no purpose. " What i> it?" 
 he asked. Mr. Dana j>ointed it out, rem..; 
 that Heidsieck was only one brand of cham- 
 pagne, and that therefore it was improper tO 
 name it in that way. Quick at though! 
 Greeley's eyes glanced round the editorial I 
 Every man there, and a bright 
 were, had stopped writing to listen. It ■ 
 contrived affair. " I think," said :.• 
 am the only man in this office that could | 
 bly have made that mistake." 
 
 "I rememl>er once," Bays a 
 
 "happening to sit opposite to ti < 
 
 ting table in the library of a club, Mr I 
 
 lev, in his curious myopic fashion, with 1..
 
 186 TiXflit ano Ibumor 
 
 his pen and his paper in the closest possible re- 
 lation, had for some time been making his usual 
 fly-tracks on a pad, when suddenly he raised 
 his head, noticed me, and handed across the 
 table some manuscripts with the remark : ' Read 
 that, it is not bad.' I took the paper, looked 
 at it directly, obliquely, and all other ways, 
 only to find it so much cuneiform character or 
 Norse runes. The sage noted my embarrass- 
 ment, reclaimed the manuscripts, and read me a 
 perfect gem of a short editorial which demolished 
 some humbug or other in a masterly way. 
 When he had finished, and I had applauded, he 
 remarked, triumphantly : ' There, I knew I could 
 read it when it was fresh, though to-morrow it 
 would puzzle me. But it makes no difference, 
 for there is a fellow in the Tribune office who 
 can read my stuff, hot or cold.' " 
 
 Mr. Jackson S. Schultz went one day to the 
 Tribune office to consult Mr. Greeley on some 
 political matter. He found the philosopher, as 
 usual, hunched up over his desk, and oblivious 
 of all surroundings. Mr. Schultz addressed 
 him, when, to his dismay, Greeley whistled 
 down the speaking-tube, gave an order, and 
 presently the lift came up with a five dollar bill,
 
 ot Bmetican Statesmen 
 
 which, without raising his head, G 
 tended in Schultz's direction with the 
 " Go away, now. That is all I can do to i 
 The fact was that Greeley's charities 
 widespread and indiscriminate, that he i 
 prey to all the crows in town, and his first im- 
 pulse when he heard his name i ailed wa.-> that 
 the speaker was necessarily after money. 
 
 "When I was a young man," Baid Lawyer 
 Park of Aurora, " 1 was a political Speaker. 
 My father was living in Waukegan durinj 
 Presidential campaign in which Gena 
 was the nominee of the Republican , 
 Horace Greeley the nominee of the ' Liberal 
 Republicans' endorsed by the I 
 was on a campaign tour in Wisconsin. 
 an audience that was with me in my sentim 
 When I had reached the warm; 
 my speech I said that e ve r y eminent m 
 had lived, or was living, had uttered 
 words that would live forever 
 quoted from Csesar's I 
 Grant's ■ I propose to fight out on this line 
 takes all summer.' Having 
 ings of great men. I >tood I 
 with oratorical anguish : ' Whal
 
 188 -uait ano Dumoc 
 
 ever say ? ' There was a hush on the heels or 
 this inquiry that lasted until it was painful to 
 me. As I was about to proceed, a little man 
 with a head of fiery hair arose in a back seat in 
 the building and answered in a shrill vofce : 
 1 Go West, you damned fool.' The audience 
 howled and yelled and fairly rolled from their 
 seats. I didn't finish my speech. The red- 
 haired man who had unwittingly punctured my 
 oratory had broken up the meeting." 
 
 When Greeley broke with Seward and Weed, 
 Mr. Jones told him that he would probably get 
 the worst of the quarrel, but Greeley replied 
 that he had not wintered and summered with 
 them twenty years for nothing. 
 
 "And yet," said he, "I feel very much as 
 the drover did who took a drove of hogs a long 
 way, and disposing of them at a loss, was asked 
 what he got out of the enterprise. He replied, 
 1 1 had the company of the hogs.' " 
 
 The New York Herald was at one time, in a 
 way that could, at the pleasure of its readers, be 
 construed to be either serious or sarcastic, urging 
 that Horace Greeley should be chosen Senator
 
 01 American Statesmen 
 
 of the United S 
 
 James Gordon Bennett : "There ia m k 
 
 est in the vigorous support . Mr 
 
 Greeley for the Senate." • > Mr. 
 
 Bennett, " I think I prould be 
 
 fool in the Senate as anywhere d
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 " The Man in Possession " 
 
 When old Zach Taylor came into the Presi- 
 dency, persons in Washington soon began to tell 
 him there was one public servant the Govern- 
 ment couldn't do without ; they said they had 
 come to express the hope that the old General 
 and rather unexperienced President would per- 
 mit them to inform him of it. This piece of in- 
 formation and advice was systematically dropped 
 into his ear at frequent intervals. At first he 
 paid little attention to it, but finally took note 
 of the fact that a certain John Hobby, who for 
 twenty odd years had held the important office 
 of Assistant Postmaster-General, was the official 
 the Government couldn't get along without. 
 The communications became so frequent that 
 one day, as the last man disappeared, old Zach 
 broke out with this question : 
 
 "Captain Harry! Who in the devil is this 
 man Hobby everybody is saying we can't get 
 along without ? ' ' 
 
 The General was informed about the official. 
 190
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 
 
 "We must attend to the W'c 
 
 are liable to be m trouble about bii 
 We must be prepared. He is liable 
 
 our hands, and then the devil will I • 
 Seems to me the man who can't I is the 
 
 one to turn out while the Government ii 
 condition to meet the em 
 
 out, Captain Harry, and don't wait I We'l 
 whether or not he can't be spared. 
 the b i laptaiu I " 
 
 * * ~ * 
 
 " If cleanliness is next to god., 
 man who has been at the National < 
 three months in the interest of a i 
 wm< h he is sure will save the Government mil- 
 lions annually, "then the a 
 Congressman must be more in the 
 
 common lot. I keep a little memorandum, a 
 diary I reckon you would call it, of the 
 makers on whom I have called in li.:- 
 to talk this affair of mint 
 OSity I write in the little book the 
 call. In three-fourths of the calls I have this 
 entry : 
 
 •• • Senator was in his bath.' 
 vary the monotony I write-. ' .iking 
 
 his tub.' 
 
 " Then I find an entry like this:
 
 192 IftHit ano •fcumor 
 
 " ' Met Senator in corridor and got an oppor- 
 tunity of presenting my case. He listened until 
 I thought I had him landed. Told him the 
 scheme would save the Government a million a 
 year. He wanted to know why I didn't spring 
 it. Told him I had no spring-board. That it 
 would take $500 to get the board. Said he was 
 just starting for a bath and asked me to see him 
 later. Saw him later about a dozen times, on 
 his way to take a bath every time I saw him.' " 
 
 Just before a certain November election, the 
 President called a Cabinet meeting and expressed 
 the desire that every member be present. The 
 hour fixed for the conference was 2 p. M. At 
 that time every Secretary was on hand except 
 Uncle Jerry Rusk. The President waited and 
 waited for him before proceeding with business. 
 Finally Mr. Rusk was seen coming up the walk, 
 and Secretary Noble went down the steps to 
 hurry him up. 
 
 "Well, at last," said Mr. Noble to Mr. Rusk, 
 as the two came within speaking distance, ' ' the 
 tail end of the Administration comes wagging 
 along." 
 
 " The tail end, eh ? " replied Mr. Rusk, "I'm 
 the tail end, am I? Well, sir, I'll let you
 
 of Bmectcan Statesmen 
 
 know, sir, that it takes a good tail and 
 and a bushy tail tu keep the flies off th 
 istration ! " 
 
 ****** 
 
 William II. Seward used to tell BOOM inl 
 ing stories of his advent into politi 
 him greatly, he used t<> 
 depicted upon the 
 
 heard of him, but had never >een biro i - 
 He was so slight of figure and SO 
 that it seemed impossible that iie < ould I ■< 
 tne brilliant William EL S 
 had heard so m u h. Mi. Seward u 
 tnat the young man who iras i. 
 taller, and of splendid physique, had a 
 deal better chance to get along . 
 the little fellows, such as he 
 
 One day at the seashore he was mil 
 a famous politician is M: Sen rtL 
 
 "Seward? You COTOC from New \ 
 State?" 
 
 " YtSt that is my bom 
 
 "Well, I have heard there who 
 
 they say is 
 
 self, and the one that the V. 
 ernor last vear. I >- 1 fOU happen ' 
 
 Perhaps he is a rel..: ;rs? "
 
 194 Taatt ano Ibumor 
 
 He used to tell another story that seemed to 
 give him great joy to repeat. When he was a 
 member of the State Senate the first time he re- 
 ceived a message from one of the most distin- 
 guished politicians in New York asking for an 
 interview. Mr. Seward felt pleased to be hon- 
 ored thus, and arraying himself in his Sunday 
 clothes he went to call on the distinguished man. 
 He was received in the parlor and the politician, 
 while courteous, was cold and distant, treating 
 him with utmost formality. Mr. Seward said : 
 " I thought perhaps you had some special busi- 
 ness with me." 
 
 " No, sir, I do not think of any; in fact I 
 supposed you were paying me a call of mere 
 respect." 
 
 "But I received a message from you." 
 " I do not remember to have sent one. I am 
 expecting this afternoon a visit from Senator 
 Seward. Maybe my request has miscarried. I 
 did not catch your name. ' ' 
 
 "Why, I am Senator Seward, General." 
 The politician arose from his seat, went 
 towards Seward, put his hands on his shoulders, 
 and said, "Well, Senator, you will pardon me, 
 I know. I supposed you were a young beau 
 who had called with a lurking desire to meet 
 my daughter. Let me apologize by saying that
 
 ot American Statesmen 196 
 
 you have indeed an old head on young shoul- 
 ders." 
 
 Another story Seward told was of a I 
 tion he had while Governor of the State. He 
 gave it in honor of Millard Fillmore. A . 
 many people knew neither Seward DOT Fillmore 
 by sight. Fillmore was a splendid specime 
 sturdy manhood, nearly six feet in height. He 
 stood at Seward's left, and the diff< ■: 
 tween the men was striking. Of the tl 
 that passed by those who were not a 
 with either Seward or Fillmore saluted Fill 
 as Governor, and he turned to Seward 
 said : " Why do so many people mistake 
 call me Governor ? " 
 
 "Ah," said Seward, "it is be the 
 
 popular mind, there is an instinctive fa 
 
 t office should be filled by a man who is 
 physically as great as you are. Fillmore. 
 people see me they think some mistake 
 
 made, and that in some way or Other I 
 been chosen ( rovernor." 
 
 ****** 
 
 There was in the office of the 
 
 District Attorney, ting man * -mess 
 
 it was to attend to the
 
 196 "CUit an& f>umoc 
 
 young man on the day in question was reclining 
 in a chair with his feet cocked on a desk. He 
 was industriously puffing a cigar. There was a 
 knock at the door. 
 
 " Come in," yelled the clerk. The door 
 opened and two gentlemen entered. 
 
 "Well, what's wanted?" the clerk said in 
 an insolent tone, without changing his position 
 or removing the cigar from his mouth. 
 
 " Is Mr. McKeon in ? " the elder of the two 
 visitors inquired politely. 
 
 "No, he's out of town," replied the clerk 
 gruffly. 
 
 "I am very sorry," the visitor went on, ap- 
 parently not noticing the clerk's insolence; "for 
 I have not seen him since we were in Congress 
 together." 
 
 "So," muttered the clerk in a tone that 
 plainly expressed " I don't care a continental." 
 
 " Can I leave him a line? " the visitor asked. 
 
 " Yes, you'll find pens and paper over there," 
 answered the clerk pointing with his thumb at a 
 dirt-begrimed table in the corner. 
 
 The visitor sat down and wrote a line on a 
 small piece of paper, which he handed to the 
 clerk, who glanced at it. Down came his feet 
 with a thump on the floor. On the paper was 
 written "Franklin Pierce."
 
 of Bmerican Statesmen 
 
 The visitors were the President of the United 
 States and his private secretary. When the 
 clerk recovered from his astonishnu : 
 alone. From that day there was a no 
 change in the reception in that ofl 
 
 ****** 
 The Hon. John W. Ward of the mil 
 metropolis of Korewille, Miss., in of 
 
 jocular turn. Weary of munici: 
 recently tendered to Governor Ames hi 
 tion of the office of Mayor in the wo: Is 1 
 
 "I hereby beg le„ 
 tender nv. 
 
 >.ich office [was 
 headed predecessor, which with the in: 
 
 f the 
 American people. 1 
 
 In thus drawing off the judicial en: 
 governed the haunting I 
 
 inordinately rich if I continue to hoi: 
 
 e posit : 
 
 and brother may be 
 • 
 at prefers 
 
 of ptTi 
 
 '.'. Jewell, 
 
 : . -
 
 198 TDCUt ano tmmor 
 
 business," and did not propose to tolerate any 
 unbusinesslike proceedings in the department 
 under his charge. For instance, he issued an 
 order discontinuing the rather loose practice 
 which had obtained of allowing the department 
 clerks to draw " advance pay " under certain 
 circumstances. Unfortunately one of those gen- 
 tlemen, who had postponed until December his 
 usual summer vacation — which he then pro- 
 posed to enjoy as his honeymoon — found the 
 new rule likely to seriously interfere with his 
 visions of bliss, and the chief of his bureau un- 
 dertook the task of endeavoring to induce the 
 Postmaster-General to make an exception in so 
 peculiar and interesting a case. Governor 
 Jewell, however, declined to grant the request. 
 " The Post-Office Department cannot insure 
 Mr. 's life," he observed, " and the Post- 
 master-General cannot violate his own orders; 
 but," he added, "the young man's word must 
 be kept and the young lady must not be disap- 
 pointed, so I'll take the risk myself; " and 
 drawing his individual check in favor of the 
 clerk for the amount of the latter' s monthly 
 salary, he thereby cut the Gordian and rendered 
 feasible the tying of the hymeneal knot. 
 
 Assistant Secretary of War, George D. Mei-
 
 ot American Statesmen 
 
 klejohn, was said to do more work every day 
 than any great merchant in the country. His 
 virtues in this line were made known by a 
 gressman, who told the story of his experience : 
 "Say, there's a man in the Department there 
 who does something ! Just think of it, a fellow 
 who draws a big salary and earns it — more than 
 earns it — by hard work. Perhaps you think 
 I am joking, but I'm not. I'm in earnest, in 
 dead earnest ! I had a life-and-death matter on 
 hand. I half killed myself getting the papers 
 ready. It took me a week, ami, although I 
 never work except when 1 have to, I can put in 
 just as good licks as any one else when it's nec- 
 essary. The papers made a big bundle, as big 
 nearly as a tombstone, and just as intere 
 I took them to the War office on Saturday, Sat- 
 urday at four o'clock, and gave them to Meikle- 
 john. He says, 'Come in Monday morning.' 
 I wanted to laugh, but didn't. I knew, how- 
 ever, I'd have to wait two or three week 
 was SO sure, I'd have bet on it, and I'm not a 
 betting man. Monday morning I happened to 
 be in the building on another matter. As I 
 passed Meiklejohn's door I thought I'd go in and 
 
 I did. I almost fell dead. There wnc my 
 
 papers ready for me, signed; I could scarcely 
 
 thank him, I was so dumfounded."
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 Senatorial Courtesy 
 
 A story is told of the time when Col. Alex- 
 ander McClure of Philadelphia was occupying the 
 chair in the Legislature at Harrisburg. He was 
 rushing bills through as fast as the titles could 
 be read, when a member in a remote corner of 
 the hall arose and shouted for recognition. 
 Finally the presiding officer asked in severe 
 tones : 
 
 u For what purpose does the gentleman rise ? " 
 
 u I desire to offer an amendment to the pend- 
 ing bill," shouted the member. 
 
 " The gentleman is too late," promptly replied 
 Colonel McClure, " he can offer his amendment 
 to the next bill." 
 
 Senator Palmer of Michigan was presiding in 
 the Senate chamber one day when Sawyer was 
 putting bills through as fast as he could say, 
 " The ayes have it." As one bill was being put 
 through the hopper a Senator ventured to rise 
 200
 
 of American Statesmen aoi 
 
 and say to the Chair that he had listened very 
 carefully and he was sure the ayes did not have 
 it. With perfect good nature Senator Palmer 
 replied, "The ayes always have it when I am in 
 the chair," and passed on to the next bill on the 
 calendar. 
 
 Mr. Vest of Missouri was making a speei h in 
 the Senate when first Mr. Peffer arose and 
 to speak, and then Mr. Sherman, all three ad- 
 dressing the Chair at the same time. Mr. Vest 
 looked amazed, and after a minute's hesitation 
 called out : 
 
 "Mr. President, Mr. President." 
 
 The President paid no attention to Mr. Vest, 
 however, when the Missouri member changed 
 his tactics by declaring his desire to make a par- 
 liamentary inquiry. This appeal iras not lost 
 on the President. 
 
 " The gentleman from Missouri will state it." 
 he said, ignoring Mr. Peffer and Mr. Sherman. 
 
 "I believe I was add •'ne Sena- 
 
 had the floor," said Mi. Vest, "but it 
 that I have no longer got it. It 'I i 
 any other way I rise to .1 parliamentary inquiry 
 to find out how I lost it."
 
 202 XUtt ano Ibumor 
 
 If an official report of the Senate had been 
 accurately kept, among other things the journal 
 would have contained what follows : 
 
 Senator — Mr. President, I rise to a question 
 of personal privilege. 
 
 The President — The Senator from Maine will 
 proceed. 
 
 The Senator — The President is smoking and 
 it is very offensive to the Senator from Maine 
 unless the President has an extra cigar which 
 will permit the Senator from Maine to be so- 
 ciable. 
 
 The President summoned his page. 
 
 The President — The Chair always endeavors 
 to treat Senators with due courtesy and now pre- 
 sents his compliments to the Senator from Maine. 
 
 The Senator from Maine lights his cigar, and 
 the Senate proceeds to a discussion of legislative 
 appropriations. 
 
 During the course of his recent speech on the 
 Philippines, Spooner of Wisconsin held up a 
 paper which he said was a letter written by Gen- 
 eral Lawton some time before his death. 
 
 ' ' Do you know it was written by him ? ' ' asked 
 Pettigrew of South Dakota, who had previously 
 expressed doubts of the authenticity, and had 
 tried to cast a cloud over it.
 
 of Smerican Statesmen 203 
 
 "The Senator reminds me," said Mr. Spooner, 
 "of a lawyer who was defending a prisoner tor 
 murder. The evidence showed that the defend- 
 ant stood with a revolver when the other man 
 approached, and fired it, and when he fired it 
 the man fell dead. On cross-examination of a 
 witness who saw it the counsel said to him : 
 1 Did you see this defendant ? ' l Yes.' ' Where 
 was he?' 'Well, he stood so-and-so.' 'Did 
 he have a revolver in his hand ? ' ' Yes.' ■ Was 
 it pointed at the deceased?' 'Yes.' 'How 
 far from him was it?' ' Twelve feet.' 'Did 
 he fire it?' 'Yes.' 'Did the deceased drop 
 when he fired it?' ' Yes.' ' Did you go to 
 him?' 'Yes.' 'Was he dead?' 'Yes.' 
 'Now, sir, I ask you to inform the jury on your 
 oath whether you saw any bullet go out of the 
 barrel of that revolver ? ' " 
 
 Amid the laughter which went round no 
 answering word came from Pettigrew. 
 
 * * * >: * 
 
 Senator Butler had a bill appropriating 55,000 
 
 to build a monument on the Moore's Creek bat- 
 tle-field, N. C, which was an especial obi 
 Senator Wolcott's fun. 
 
 " Can the Senator tell me the date of the bat- 
 tle ? " he asked Mr. Butler.
 
 204 liatt and 1b inner 
 
 " It was the first battle of the Revolution — 
 twenty-nine days before the battle of Lexing- 
 ton," was the reply. 
 
 " But cannot the Senator tell me the day and 
 the year?" persisted Mr. Wolcott. 
 
 Mr. Butler was stumped. "I can tell the 
 Senator to-morrow," he finally remarked. 
 
 "Then," replied Mr. Wolcott, "I will let 
 my objection stand until to-morrow, also." 
 
 A few r minutes later Senator Wolcott relented, 
 and Mr. Butler made another effort to get the 
 appropriation agreed to. This time it was Sen- 
 ator Lodge who objected. 
 
 "Oh, don't object, Lodge," said Wolcott, in 
 a stage whisper, " he'll put the date of the battle 
 forward a year if you are jealous on account of 
 Lexington." 
 
 But Mr. Lodge continued to object, and the 
 monument bill remains on the calendar. 
 
 Even in the United States Senate they occa- 
 sionally enliven the tedium of legislative pro- 
 ceedings with a little honest hilarity. A few 
 years ago in that body a bill for promoting the 
 efficiency of navy Chaplains was taken up. 
 
 Senator Plumb, of Kansas, wanted to know if 
 it would suit to equalize the pay by reducing that 
 of army Chaplains to the navy standard.
 
 of Bmerican Statesmen 
 
 Senator Vance, of North Carolina, said ■ "It 
 would not suit me so well as it would probably 
 suit the Senator from Kansas. I haw not the 
 same desire for economy of this charai ter. 1 do 
 not want to see the praying force of this country 
 reduced. I think it ought to be increased." 
 
 An ex-Senator, whose "inflation" sentiments 
 were not entirely confined to the current j 
 some time since invited to speak on the subject 
 of education at a well known college in North 
 Carolina. He did speak for three hours with- 
 out fatigue (to himself) and devoted the major 
 part of his eloquence to the propriety of d 
 tinuing Latin grammar in the schools, and 
 called attention to the fact that he had never 
 studied any grammar but the English. At the 
 conclusion he was escorted to dinner by a very 
 plain-spoken, common sense friend of 
 and the college. 
 
 "What do you think of my views as to ex- 
 cluding Latin grammar from the sch< 
 asked the orator. 
 
 " You had no need to tell your audience that 
 you had never studied Latin grammar," was the 
 reply. 
 
 "Why not? "
 
 206 van ano ftumor 
 
 "Because they knew that if you had, you 
 would have spoken thirty minutes instead of 
 three hours." 
 
 A worthy, unpretending specimen of the genus 
 nouveau riche once gave a dinner party to Jesse 
 Bledsoe, the brilliant Senator from Kentucky, 
 and asked a number of prominent men. In the 
 course of it the man who sat next to Mr. Bled- 
 soe, winked significantly at him, as he helped 
 himself liberally a second time to some dainty, 
 and said : 
 
 "Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them, 
 you know, Senator." 
 
 "Yes. And have you never heard that ' wise 
 men make speeches and fools repeat them '? " 
 replied the latter, quick as thought, disgusted 
 with his neighbor's want of regard for the sacred- 
 ness of the salt. 
 
 ^ •%. •%. ^ $: %. 
 
 Among the quaint characters who have ap- 
 peared from time to time in the Senate of the 
 United States may be mentioned Nesmith, of 
 Oregon. Some two years after he had taken 
 his seat he was recounting to Senator Wade his 
 wonder upon first seeing the Capitol and espe- 
 cially the still greater wonder that he should have
 
 ot Bmcrtcan Statesmen U7 
 
 been honored by being elected a member of so 
 august a body. 
 
 " Well," said Senator Wade, " you have 
 here a couple of years ; what du you think of it 
 now ? ' ' 
 
 ''Think," replied Nesmith ; "why the won- 
 der to me now is how you and so many other 
 fellows ever managed to get here." 
 
 When Senator Reagan was in Congress from 
 Texas he was regarded as a "hoodoo." He 
 
 had a habit of wandering aimlessly around the 
 floors of the Senate Chamber and then sitting 
 down without thinking in some one else's chair. 
 The curious part of it was that whenever he sat 
 down in a fellow Senator's Beat bad luck in- 
 variably followed. When ex-Senator Kustis 
 from Louisiana was a candidate for rede, tioo 
 Reagan was constantly in his < hair and he 
 defeated. Then he sat one day in Salisl 
 seat and the next week Salisbury was del 
 Finally the members began talking about il 
 Reagan was looked upon as a Jonah. 
 1889 Senator Harris of Ten:. 
 hard fight for reelection. The day he s' 
 home to look after his fences he called the I 
 Senator aside and said :
 
 208 Wit anD Ibumor 
 
 1 ' See here, old man ; while I am not super- 
 stitious in the least, still you'll do me a favor if 
 you will keep out of my chair when I am away. ' ' 
 
 Reagan consented and Harris was reelected. 
 Not long after that Reagan sat down in Ran- 
 som's place and the following day the North 
 Carolina Senator received a telegram command- 
 ing him to come home on the very next train ; 
 that serious opposition had suddenly sprung up 
 against him and his presence was demanded at 
 once. Reagan had been in the habit of sitting 
 in his (Ransom's) seat, so he called him aside 
 and told him about it, plainly intimating that 
 the fact that he had been using his chair 
 caused the dissension. Reagan got mad and said 
 something about people being "darned fools." 
 Ransom went home and when Reagan went into 
 the Senate Chamber the next morning he found 
 that Ransom's chair had been moved away. 
 
 Senator W , of , built a fine resi- 
 dence in Washington. While the workmen under 
 the Senator's direction, were filling up alow place 
 in the grounds near the house, the Senator was 
 asked by an acquaintance who was looking on, 
 "Where will you get dirt enough to fill that 
 hole with?"
 
 of Hmcrtcan Statesmen 
 
 To which the Senator replied, "When . 
 out of dirt I will throw in some of the 
 and fill up with them." 
 
 One of the "diggers," whose memory no 
 doubt went back to last election day, promptly 
 responded with, "Yis, an' jist afore next elec- 
 shun time you'll be 'round diggm' u 
 agin.'" 
 
 "I remember so well once when Joe Black- 
 burn and I were on the same committee, 
 
 Senator? . " It was during a Democratic 
 
 administration and there had been a good deal 
 of bother trying to get the Secretary of Agricul- 
 ture to agree to a certain thing, and Blackburn 
 had been sent to talk him over to the comm 
 plan. In fact, the whole Cabinet had been dif- 
 ficult to deal with. When Joe came back sev- 
 eral of us were assembled in the committer : 
 among us Senator Vest, who was sunk dejectedly 
 into the depths of an armchair. Some one 
 asked : 
 
 " ' Well, Joe, did you succeed ? ' 
 
 " * Succeed? ' lie echoed. Then he 
 tramp up and down fuming and fuss Finally 
 
 he broke out : 
 
 " « Of all the obstinate things in the shape of
 
 210 lUit ano Ibumot 
 
 a Cabinet officer I ever encountered, commend 
 
 me to J. Sterling Morton ! Don't you agree 
 
 with me, Vest ? ' 
 
 " Vest roused up slowly and answered : 
 
 " • I'm sorry, Joe, but I am committed to Hoke 
 
 Smith.' " 
 
 That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, 
 who represented California in the United States 
 Senate, was like many others of his class some- 
 what addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to 
 battle long with them without showing the effect 
 of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted 
 condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee ; 
 but one night, at a supper of journalists given to 
 the late George D. Prentice, a genius of the same 
 mould and the same unfortunate habit, he found 
 a foeman worthy of his steel in General John 
 Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at 
 some anti-slavery sentiments which had been 
 uttered — it was in war times — and late in the 
 evening got on his legs for the tenth time to 
 make a reply. The spirit did not move him to 
 utterance, however ; on the contrary, it quite 
 -deprived him of the power of speech ; and after 
 an ineffectual attempt at a speech he suddenly 
 concluded :
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 211 
 
 " Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's 
 McDougall." 
 
 " I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General 
 Cochrane, springing to his feet ; " but what was 
 that last remark ? ' ' 
 
 McDougall pronounced it again ; " my name's 
 McDougall." 
 
 " There must be some error," said Cochrane, 
 gravely. "I have known Mr. McDougall many 
 years, and there never was a time when as late 
 as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his 
 name was." 
 
 ****** 
 
 The fact that Col. Henry Wilson, United 
 States Senator, from Massachusetts, was willing 
 to accept the nomination of the Republican 
 party for the Vice-Presidency brought out the 
 following anecdote : 
 
 When the Colonel was in Boston, raising a 
 regiment, a little fellow one day presented him- 
 self at headquarters and asked foraeommi 
 
 " Have you seen service ? " asked Colonel W. 
 
 " Yes, Colonel, I was in the three months' 
 service." 
 
 " Were you at the battle of Bull Run ? " 
 
 "I was, Colonel." 
 
 Colonel Wilson has a delicate vein of humor 
 in him j so winking at his staff, he asked,
 
 212 *Mit anfc Ibumor 
 
 " And did you run well ? " 
 
 "I used due diligence, Colonel. I did the 
 best I could, but I couldn't keep up with you, 
 in that hack ! " 
 
 Then there was another laugh.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 Some Reed Anecdotes 
 
 How Tom Reed awoke one day, or rather 
 read the newspapers one morning, to find him- 
 self famous, is pretty generally known. Eighteen 
 words did it. Not long after having taken his 
 seat in Congress he was making a little speech, 
 when some member interrupted him with an an- 
 noying question. Reed answered him, then in 
 his high nasal tones drawled out: "And now 
 having embalmed that fly in the liquid amber 
 of my remarks I will go on again." This shaft 
 of wit hit the newspaporial bull's-eye, and from 
 that time Tom Reed's name was a familiar one 
 throughout the country. 
 
 "Our agricultural community" is the term 
 Mr. Reed employed to designate Farmer Wade 
 of Missouri and Farmer FunstOD o\ K 
 One day Reed came upon the farmer Stat* 
 as they were discussing some disputed point with 
 vigor. Funston was just saying : 
 313
 
 214 tUtt and •fcumor 
 
 " Well, Wade, I'll bet you a dollar." 
 
 The Missourian didn't respond to the chal- 
 lenge, and Mr. Reed drawled out in his Yankee 
 twang : 
 
 "That is the way of you fellows from out 
 West. You are great at blowing, but that is all 
 you do. You don't bet anything but wind." 
 
 Farmer Wade pulled his fist out of his breeches 
 pocket, opened it, and showed a big Bland dol- 
 lar in the palm. 
 
 " You think we are all wind out West ? " he 
 said to Reed. " Now match this." 
 
 With true New England deliberation Mr. 
 Reed regarded the coin for a quarter of a min- 
 ute. Then he slowly produced another big 
 dollar and laid it down. They didn't match, 
 and Farmer Wade pocketed both. 
 
 Reed was one of the Legislative Committee 
 sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a 
 dance on the night the committee spent in the 
 investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner 
 one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was in- 
 troduced. " I don't remember having seen you 
 here before," said she; "how long have you 
 been in the asylum ? " " Oh, I only came down 
 yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
 
 ot Bmertcan Statesmen 216 
 
 Legislative Committee." " Of course," returned 
 the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I 
 knew you were an inmate or a member of the 
 Legislature the moment I looked at you. But 
 how was I to know ? It is so difficult to know 
 which." 
 
 Senatorial five-minute speeches are timed by 
 an old-fashioned time glass. When a Senator 
 begins his remarks the glass is turned so that 
 the sands begin to run. When the last grain 
 drops through the tiny opening the Vice- Presi- 
 dent's gavel descends, and the stream of elo- 
 quence is cut off short. This led Tom Reed to 
 say, "It takes sand to run the Senate." 
 
 Ex-Speaker Reed has been compared to an 
 overgrown schoolboy and to Shakespeare. He 
 objects to some other comparisons of a more 
 recent date. Not long ago he met a Cong 
 man under the arch of the House wing of the 
 Capitol. 
 
 " See here," said the then Speaker in a severe 
 tone, "this thing must stop, and stop now. I 
 shall not stand it any longer." 
 
 "What is the matter?" the Congressman 
 asked in some alarm.
 
 216 van anD tmmot 
 
 ''Oh, you ought to know very well what is 
 the matter," was the reply. "Haven't you 
 read the letter written to some of the Western 
 Democracy recently by Grover Cleveland ? " 
 
 " No," responded the Congressman, " I have 
 not read it. What have I got to do with it ? " 
 
 " Everything," the Speaker answered. " You 
 and Springer have said that I have assumed the 
 role of Charles I. Cleveland says that I am 
 acting the part of Oliver Cromwell. Now, I'm 
 as good-natured as any other man, and I can 
 stand a great deal. I can be either Charles I 
 or Oliver Cromwell if you like, but I'll be 
 hanged if I'll undertake to assume both roles at 
 the same time. Set that down." 
 
 The late Representative Crain of Texas had a 
 characteristic way of gaining his point when put 
 to it that is well illustrated by a story dating 
 back to the famous Fifty-first Congress when 
 Reed was making his reputation as " czar." 
 
 Col. John Willett, an old pioneer of Texas, 
 came on to Washington during that Congress to 
 get an appropriation for Padre Island harbor in 
 Texas for deep water. He wanted Crain, in 
 whose district the harbor is located, to introduce 
 the bill, but the Texas member, under the im-
 
 of American Statesmen 217 
 
 pression that the measure had no prosper ts of 
 passing, refused to touch it. Hatch of Missouri, 
 
 who had friends interested ill the enterprise, 
 consented to introduce the bill, and to the sur- 
 prise of Crain got a favorable report upon it 
 from the Rivers and Harbors Committee. 
 
 This made Crain mad. Hatch proposed as a 
 compromise that the first whom Speaker Reed 
 should recognize should pass the bill. < >ne 
 morning before prayer Crain wrote the following 
 note to the Speaker : 
 
 Dear Czar : — Please recognize me this 
 morning to pass a little water bill, that I may 
 get out of hot water. The gentleman from 
 Missouri (Hatch) has laid a crow's egg in 
 Grain's nest and I want to Hatch it out this 
 morning. Yours truly, 
 
 \v. H. Crain. 
 
 As soon as prayer was over and the journal 
 read and approved, a dozen members ro 
 their feet for recognition, but high and 
 above the din and confusion rose the Speaker's 
 voice : 
 
 "The gentleman from Texas." Crain got 
 what he wanted.
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 Ways and Means 
 
 Ex-Governor Waite of Colorado is an 
 original character and while he has broad the- 
 ories as to national finance, he had never been 
 able to make a personal application of these 
 theories to the extent of accumulating much 
 filthy lucre. The ex-governor's son-in-law is a 
 highly respected newspaper editor and proprietor 
 and has always been a stanch Republican in 
 politics. 
 
 When Waite became the candidate of the 
 Populists for Governor, his son-in-law had a 
 hard proposition to solve. As a Republican he 
 could not consistently vote for the Populist can- 
 didate, much less could he advocate his election 
 editorially, but as a loyal and affectionate rela- 
 tive he was bound to give both his vote and 
 voice to his father-in-law. While the struggle 
 was going on in his mind a friend approached 
 him and said : 
 
 • ' Your father-in-law is a Populist, you are a 
 Republican. Are you going to support your 
 father-in-law during this campaign ? " 
 218
 
 ct Hmerican Statesmen 319 
 
 The editor pondered a moment and then re- 
 plied : "As I have supported him for the last 
 
 five years, I don't see any reason why 1 should 
 change my course now." 
 
 A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at 
 one time represented in Congress, through a 
 couple of terms, a district not far from the 
 national capital, moved to California where in a 
 year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent 
 to become a congressional subject, and he was 
 visited by the central committee of his district 
 to be talked to. 
 
 " We want you," said the spokesman, " to 
 accept the nomination for Congress." 
 
 " I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded 
 promptly. 
 
 "You must," the spokesman demanded. 
 
 "But I can't," he insisted. " I'm too poor." 
 
 "Oh, that will be all right ; we' 
 of money for the campaign." 
 
 "But that is nothing." contended the gentle- 
 man ; "it's the expense in Washington. I've 
 been there, and know about it." 
 
 "Well you didn't lose by it, and . 
 cost any more because you come fro: 
 nia."
 
 220 imtt anD Ibumor. 
 
 The gentleman became very earnest. 
 
 "Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business- 
 like tone. " Why, my dear sirs, I used to have 
 to send home every month about half a dozen 
 busted office-seeker constituents, and the fare 
 was only £3 apiece, and I could stand it, but it 
 would cost me over $100 a head to send them 
 out here, and I'm no millionaire ; therefore, as 
 much as I regret it, I must insist on declining." 
 %. # * * * # 
 
 Holman, of Indiana, for many years waged 
 vigilant and unrelenting war on amendments to 
 appropriation bills, which gave him the name 
 of the " Watchdog of the Treasury." He was 
 very strong in his district and had an unusually 
 long service which gave him great power and 
 influence in the House, by his knowledge of the 
 rules and practice. 
 
 Towards the end of his term an amendment 
 was offered in which a near relative was much 
 interested. The familiar "I object," was not 
 heard and the amendment went through with his 
 support ; whereupon a member sitting near ex- 
 claimed : 
 
 " 'Tis sweet to hear the honest watchdog's bark 
 Bay deep-mouthed welcome as we draw near home ! "
 
 ot Smencan Statesmen 221 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Jones met an old free silver 
 mollusk one day in one of his walks. 
 
 "Jones," said the mollusk, "where is all 
 that prosperity that you were going to give us? " 
 
 " Why," replied the clergyman, " it is every- 
 where. Labor is employed ; capital is active ; 
 the railroads are overburdened; there is pros- 
 perity everywhere." 
 
 "It has not struck me yet," the mollusk ob- 
 served. 
 
 "Well, you know," Jones answered, "it is 
 pretty hard to hit nothing." 
 
 A Western politician has announced himself 
 as heartily in favor of Prohibition government, 
 merely as an experiment. 
 
 " It would be worth while to try it," he 
 "just to see if under its rule money could get 
 as tight as it has been under the other parties." 
 
 The following clever skit is entitled " Extra ts 
 from a Congressman's Conscience/' and recently 
 appeared in Puck. It portrays the gradual con- 
 version, — or perversion, — of the average private 
 citizen as revealed by his gradual shiftings o\ po- 
 sition until black seems white:
 
 222 *CUit ano tmmor 
 
 As a Private Citizen. 
 ''Politics is rotten to the core; and the 
 wrongs of the oppressed cry aloud to heaven. 
 But there is no hope." 
 
 As a Possible Candidate. 
 "Politics is rotten to the core; but if a few 
 men of incorruptible integrity were to be elected 
 to office the wrongs of the oppressed might be 
 righted." 
 
 As a Nominee. 
 "Politics is rotten to the core, and even the 
 man who has the wrongs of the oppressed always 
 at heart and upon his tongue must pay for his 
 election. ' ' 
 
 As a Congressman-Elect. 
 "At last politics is less rotten by one honest 
 man who will wage unceasing war to right the 
 wrongs of the oppressed. But what a crimp the 
 boys did throw into my bank-roll ! " 
 
 ist Week in Congress. 
 "The rottenness of politics is appalling. 
 Mentioned the wrongs of the oppressed in one 
 of the cloak-rooms of the House to-day and no- 
 ticed a smile on the faces of all the old mem- 
 bers."
 
 of Hmerican Statesmen 223 
 
 2d Week. 
 
 "I see a chance to right the wrongs of the 
 oppressed. The notorious Universal ( ontrol 
 Company, the new syndicate of all the Trusts, 
 has a bill up, and what a warm wallop I am 
 
 writing against it ! " 
 
 3d Week. 
 
 " Great Scott ! what it does cost to live in 
 Washington! Rent alone $1,700. I see the 
 early finish of my $5,000 per. An emissary of 
 the Universal Control Company hinted an infa- 
 mous proposition to me to-day." 
 
 4II1 Week. 
 
 "Politics is rotten but interesting. Wonder 
 where all these fellows get their money. Went 
 last night to a swell stag-dinner given by the 
 Universal Control man. Some regular toi . 
 sauce vaudeville turns between the cotu 
 Hope my constituents won't get on." 
 
 s7// Week. 
 
 "Mark, himself, lias been to see me about 
 that bill. A man really ought to look at both 
 sides of a question and stay by the Grand 
 Party if possible."
 
 224 miit ano Ibumor 
 
 6th Week. 
 
 " Ye Gods 1 it does cost to live in Washing- 
 ton ! I seem to be about the only lobster in my 
 set. I don't hear any of the others worrying 
 about money. They're all going to boost that 
 bill, by the way. Politics is " 
 
 7th Week. 
 " I'm afraid the wrongs of the oppressed are 
 largely imaginery. Say ! what Washington life 
 does to £5,000 a year is a sin and a shame ! 
 That Universal Control man seems to be a very 
 nice sort of a fellow." 
 
 8th Week. 
 "No man can live on his Congressional sal- 
 ary. Wish my constituents wouldn't be so im- 
 patient. It takes time to right the wrongs of 
 the oppressed. Am almost convinced the Uni- 
 versal Control Company would prove their real 
 benefactors in the end." 
 
 pth Week. 
 "What ever I am, I am not cheap. Shall 
 battle against the infamous Universal Control 
 Company to the bitter end. The wrongs of the 
 oppressed must be righted."
 
 ot Bmcncan Statesmen 225 
 
 10th Week. 
 " Voted for the Universal Bill after all. Think 
 it will be for the real good of the down-trodden. 
 Set up a stable and wired my wife to come on 
 and open her social campaign. Guess I will 
 manage to meet the expense. Did not deliver 
 my ringing speech against the bill, but have had 
 it printed in the Congressional Record and sent 
 a marked copy to the Back Home Banner. 
 Universal Control Company composed of very 
 nice gentlemen." 
 
 Near the Term's End. 
 " Politics is all right after you once learn the 
 rules of the game. Washington is the only 
 place of residence and living is comparatively 
 cheap, too, considering. By the way, I must 
 begin to get together some more of old salve 
 about the wrongs of the oppressed. I want to 
 come back." 
 
 Jonathan P. Dolliver, of Iowa, is perhaps best 
 known by his peroration on the question of ad- 
 mitting American pork into European markets. 
 
 "I hope the time will come," he said, 
 "when the American hog with a curl of con- 
 tentment in his tail and a smile of pleasure on
 
 226 mtt ano Dumot 
 
 his face may travel untrammeled through the 
 markets of the world." 
 
 The Democrats had a clear working majority 
 
 in Illinois, for a number of years. But 
 
 when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it 
 enfranchised so many of the " culled bredren " 
 as to make it apparent to the party leaders that 
 unless a good many black votes could be bought 
 up, the Republicans would carry the city elec- 
 tion. Accordingly advances were made to the 
 
 Rev. Brother , whose influence it was 
 
 thought desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was 
 certain to control the votes of his entire church. 
 
 He was found ''open to conviction," and ar- 
 rangements progressed satisfactorily until it was 
 asked how much money would be necessary to 
 secure his vote and influence. 
 
 With an air of offended dignity Brother 
 
 replied : 
 
 "Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained min- 
 ister ob de Baptist Church dis ting has gone 
 jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gem- 
 men, my son will call round to see you in de 
 mornin'." 
 
 ****** 
 
 In "The domestic life of Thomas Jefferson,"
 
 et American Stateemen 
 
 may lie found an incident which i 
 
 instance probably in our fe leral legislation 
 where the personal comforts of statesmen have 
 been satisfied and the expense « barged to 
 " fuel " or " stationery. 11 They found out how 
 to fix it in the very first session of the first Con- 
 tinental Congress. While that 1 
 session Delegate Harrison o( Virginia, desiring 
 to "take something " went with a friend 
 certain place where supplies were turn 
 Congress, and ordered two glasses of bi 
 and water. The man in charge hesitated and 
 replied that liquors were not included in the 
 supplies furnished Congressmen. 
 
 "Why," said Harrison, "what is it, then, 
 that I see the New England members come here 
 and drink ? " 
 
 •• Molasses and water, which they have 
 charged as stationery," was the reply. 
 
 "Then give me the brandy and water,' 
 Harrison, " and charge it as fuel." 
 
 I luring the sessions of the ( 
 for the purpose ^( framing i C tirul 
 
 Colorado, the question under > : 
 
 formation of the Legislature 
 
 desired to have the body very small, in order to
 
 228 TOt ano Ibumor 
 
 save expense, and certainly laid themselves open 
 to the charge of saving at the spigot and wast- 
 ing at the bung. The debate had gone on for 
 
 some time, Judge B somewhat tinctured 
 
 with Grangerism, vigorously supporting the 
 motion. After he had shown the terrible drain 
 the "dear people," would suffer by having a 
 
 few more members, old Judge C from the 
 
 mountains rose slowly, and after disclaiming any 
 intention of being personal said : " Mr. Chair- 
 man, there are some people, sir, so mean, so 
 tenacious, that, sir, they would squeeze the 
 eagle on an old-fashioned ten-cent piece until 
 the claws of the proud bird stuck through on to 
 the other side, and involuntarily scratched the 
 face of the Goddess of Liberty." 
 The proposed measure was lost. 
 
 Down South one of the treasurers of a polit- 
 ical campaign is the joint debate between can- 
 didates. The second time John Allen was up 
 for Congress his opponent challenged him to a 
 discussion of finance. Allen accepted. His 
 rival was a banker and had been in Congress 
 himself on a former day; in fact Allen suc- 
 ceeded him. They met at an immense mass- 
 meeting. The fame of the great proposed de-
 
 of Bmcrtcan Statesmen 
 
 bate on finance had spread, and all that pirt 
 of Mississippi laid aside its labor and 
 around the contestants to listen. Allen' 
 ponent led off. He started into the money 
 question like a cow into a swamp and kept 
 stepping higher and splashing steadily ahead in 
 a straight line. He began back with Alexander 
 Hamilton who smote the rock of the country's 
 resources and streams oi revenue g 
 forth, and came thundering down tl 
 aisle of the financial past, until he finally 
 brought himself and his hearers to the very 
 hour when he and Allen came together in that 
 particular joint debate. When he took h: 
 he was cheered by a hurricane yA plaudits. 
 Then Allen arose : 
 
 "My friends," said Allen, "I will not at- 
 tempt to turn page after page of the w 
 financial history a< has our friend. I shall ( on- 
 fine myself to a few plain statement 
 which all of you will re it o:k e .is true, 
 
 and then I will make this meeting 
 which is so fair, so just, SO sensible, that I - 
 none will reject it. Von all recall DO* 
 friend served you in Congress as the R 
 ative of this district. Upon his while 
 
 there I will make no comment, alth. 
 tell by the cloud which has so suddenly fallen
 
 230 "Uait ano tmmot 
 
 on the face of this meeting that it is still green 
 in your memories. But I will call your atten- 
 tion to this notable fact. Upon his return from 
 the halls of legislation, and to private life, he at 
 once opened a bank, and entered upon a bril- 
 liant career of lending money and shaving 
 notes. It was then I was selected by your 
 suffrages to appear as your representative in the 
 councils of the nation. That was two years 
 ago. I will not dwell on my record, for mod- 
 esty forbids. I will instead let fame, with her 
 thousand eager tongues, speak in my behalf. 
 What I will lead you to is this most remarkable 
 circumstance : 
 
 "The moment I came back I sought the bank 
 of our friend and borrowed every dollar he 
 would lend me. That shows you the wide 
 abyss which separates my character as well as 
 my methods from those of my opponent. Now 
 for the proposition, and I will say in advance 
 if it be accepted, as I feel sure will be the case, 
 I will bow meekly to the outcome. As I have 
 stated, our friend came back from Congress and 
 went to lending money. I came back from 
 Cbngress and began to borrow it. Now, let the 
 district divide on those lines. Let those who 
 borrow money come close about me in their 
 support. I am of their tribe; bone of their
 
 of Hmcrfcan Statesmen j:;i 
 
 bone. Let those who loan money go to the 
 standard of my friend. Let their votes be 
 given him, for he belongs to them and they to 
 him. Let these things be done," concluded 
 Mr. Allen, "and I will accept my fate with 
 fortitude and meekness." Allen went back to 
 Congress. 
 
 * * * * * :•' 
 
 Concerning "back pay," an amusing inci- 
 dent occurred just at the close of a former ses- 
 sion of Congress. The House generously voted 
 to pay committee clerks for the whole of March, 
 though the sessions only continued four days of 
 that month. The officers charged with dis- 
 bursements made up the bills promptly, and in- 
 stead of letting the clerks, in the usual course, 
 take the bills to their chairman for approval, 
 they themselves took them around for that pur- 
 pose. The officer who took the bill of the clerk 
 of the Committee on Banking and Current v. of 
 which the Hon. Samuel Hooper is chairman, is 
 reported to have had the following colloquy : 
 
 Mr. Hooper. " What is this ? " 
 
 Officer. " It is Mr. F 's bill for the 
 
 month of Man h. The House has voted to pay 
 committee clerks for tin- whole month." 
 
 Mr. Hooper. " Why do you bring it to 
 me?"
 
 232 "Unit ano fnimor 
 
 Officer. " We want to settle our accounts, 
 and so are getting the bills all approved our- 
 selves, instead of waiting for the clerks to at- 
 tend to them." 
 
 Mr. Hooper (hesitatingly). "Well, I guess 
 you may as well let my clerk bring this to me. 
 I should like to see him. I haven't had a sight 
 of him for about a month." 
 
 The following authentic anecdote of the late 
 Thaddeus Stevens (contributed by a prominent 
 ex-member of Congress) contains a grain of 
 pure Attic salt, which everybody may relish : 
 
 John F. Driggs, representing the Lake Su- 
 perior mining district of Michigan, was particu- 
 larly jubilant over the passage of a bill impo- 
 sing a higher rate of duty on copper, in which 
 his constituents were deeply interested, and Mr. 
 Stevens, in his habitual vein of sarcastic humor, 
 was "chaffing" him about it, alleging, among 
 other things, that he had gotten his bill through 
 by bribery. (This was an allusion to some 
 nuggets of virgin copper, rudely moulded into 
 the form of paper-weights, which Driggs had 
 distributed among members with whom he was 
 personally intimate as souvenirs of the mineral 
 wealth of his district.)
 
 ot American Statesmen 
 
 Upon that hint of " bribery," Mr. Stevens's 
 colleague from the Berks County district spoke 
 up. "By the way, Mr. Stevens, Driggs gave 
 me one of those paper-weights, and I voted for 
 his bill. Tell me — your experience is so much 
 greater than mine — can I take it home with me 
 and keep it without being accused of accepting 
 a bribe?" 
 
 " Well, yes," was the reply uttered with all 
 the gravity of a judge pronouncing an "opin- 
 ion," " you can keep it as it is, but, as you 
 value your good name, don't have it coined into 
 pennies.*'

 
 
 
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