B^as^ A n A en o u =i 7 3 33 2 7 6 4 3 3> -< > O -< Bobbin London THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES LONDON; OB, THE TRIUMPH of QUACKERY. 7; LONDON; OR THE TRIUMPH of QUACKERY. Satirical i9oem* BY TIM. BOBBIN, the Younger. LA DESTREZZA PIU SCALTRA E OPRARE IN MODO ch' ALTEI SE STESSO INOANNI. METASTASIO. ADKIANO. ATTO % SC. 1. 3LotiDon PRINTED FOR C. CHAPPLE, G6, PALL MALL, 181S -rom tlie Press of VV. Oxberry &. co. 8. White-hart-yard. atitiresi^ from tie author. COMPRISING Advertisement, Preface and Dedication. OF all the situations in which a man voluntarily places himself, few I imagine are more calculated to excite anxiety and embarrassment than his first ap- pearance before the public, as an Actor, an Orator, or an Author ; nay I have known many persons who even preferred fighting, and who could march up to the muzzle of a cannon in the iTeld with much great- er composure than they could assume either of the above capacities. Of the three positions however I believe that of the debutant in authorship to be the most appalhng, as it is generally expected that he shall give some a 3 8Ga7iJ0 VI ADDRESS. account, not only of himself, but also of the motives which have induced him to become a Candidate for popular favour ; and yet I verily believe that no man ever possessed the genius to conceive a witty idea, and the skill to imbody it into a metrical shape without immediately considering himself a bantling of Apollo, and (at least, secretly) wishing that the world should participate in the exquisite gratifica- tion which a long list of intimates (on the authority of their jjolite and reiterated assertions^ had already experienced from the perusal of his occasional sal- hes ; and hence it is that so many poetasters daily obtrude their early efforts on the community, back- ed by the excuse that they are absolutely urged to the proceeding by the importunate solicitations of their friends. For my own part I will not condescend to palli- ate my conduct by any such subterfuge, nor will I presume to aver that I have a jot less vanity than my fellow members of frail humanity, but will ADDRESS* Vll frankly avow that I give publicity to the following effusions with an impression that they are at least, equal in merit to some others which I have seen ia print, and with a view to obtain (from their recep- tion) for my future guidance, a more perfect crite- rion than either my own opinion or those of my fa- miliar associates, to not one of whom the manuscript has been submitted. I was under the necessity of shifting for myself at an early age, previous to which however I had the fortune to receive what is generally called a good, plain education, somewhat resembling the solid breakfast which a man of business takes when he is about to enter upon sonic bustling occupation for the residue of the day ; and the remainder of my literary attainments have been like the desultory refreshment which the aforesaid industrious wight, is enabled to procure during such transient inter- vals as he can snatch from his employment ; being a 4 Vlll ADDRESS. just sufficient to allay the cravings of nature, but still leaving so much appetite as enables him to eat a hearty meal as soon as he can obtain provisions and leisure. From the above statement it will naturally be in- ferred that my pursuits in life have not been of such a nature as to authorize the least probability that I should *' Lift up my head 'midst the rhyme weaving throng." Nor indeed was I conscious of possessing sufficient rhythmical talent to compose a single couplet until the opinion was elicited by the following occur- ence. In order however to render the recital intelligible to the reader, it will be requisite to inform him in the first place that amongst the companions of my recreations, I was remarked for peculiar agility, in- somuch that not any of them could equal me in ADDRESS. IX running, jumping, and other gymnastic exercises ; and secondly that in our moments of hilarity and festivity, I used not unfrequently to indulge in a propensity for punning, which, although it is usually denominated the lowest species of wit, has been patronized by Beaux esprits of the very high- est class ; and 1 therefore confidently cherish an opinion that the illiberal sentiment which I have re- peatedly heard quoted as an adage, viz. " A man who would make a pun would pick a pocket," had not its origin in profound judgment and experience whence aphorisms ought always to be derived, but that it was erected into an hypothesis by certain misanthropic mortals, who suppose that wisdom consists in gravity, and who conclude that if a man evinces a vivacity of imagination, his sprightli- ness must of necessity extend to his finger ends. I trust the reader will })ardon the digression into which I have been led in order to shield myself a 5 ADDRESS. from the imputation of being addicted to pilfering, which I cannot admit in any grosser sense than what may be deduced from my present undertaking ; for I candidly acknowledge that my principal incen- tive in publishing this trifle, is the hope of trans- ferring a few pounds from the purses of the readers into my own, which is unfortunately at this mo- ment in a most poetical plight. But to return From some of the persons com|X)sing the before mentioned fraternity {in which I passed some of the happiest moments of my lifc^) I have heard specimens of Bon Mot, and Rapartee, which were well worthy of being preserved, yet some there were who uniformly refused to allow them the merit of originality, and as constantly attributed them to that almost inexhaustible fund of readi/ made witticisms Joe 3Iillcr. I do not hesitate to admit that J had less reason to complain of their want of liberality in tliis res- ADDRESS. XI pect than many of my friends, for I certainly did sometimes let fly a ./oe,vvhcn my memory happened to stumble upon one which was peculiarly good, and which I deemed siiffidently old to he netv to nine tenths of the company. I think it will be generally found amongst young men that from the commencement of their acquain- tance their advances towards familiarity are marked by a progressive diminution of ceremony, not only in the tenor of their conduct towards each other, but also in their style of reciprocal address ; the first step of which is to relinquish the sir, and the Mr., the second to use the plain surname, the third to exchange it for the Christian name, until at length even f/tat by increasing intimacy dwindles into its most diminutive abbreviature. Thus it was in the party to which I alluded, so that Tom, Hal, Ned, Will, respectfully ins XXVII. Our opera too might be supplied, But music there is laid aside, Such is the dire effect of fashion's ravages j ' And 'stead of dulcet chords and throats. Opera m English now denotes The feats of skin-clad transatlantic savages. * 'Tis true the tuneful God's command they follow For song and archery both delight Apollo j Who yields alike his patronage divine To Indian warrior's arm, and English lute. Fiddle and lioiv ; Nor cares a jot what names his votaries bear Who strive in either art applause to share, I-cl-d-n, Br-h-m, S-cl-r, C ke and P ne Or Scnung-gis, Se-quos-ken-ace, Sta-eute And Uc-tau-goh. Both meric songcs and good shootinj^e dclip^htcth Apollo. Aschain'k ToxopLilui. part, 1. D t U TRIUMPH XXVIII. Or if perchance they sometimes deign To deal in melody again, 'Tis but to put musicians in a panic; And shew by artificial bands They can dispense with mouths and hands. And blow their trumpet by a force mechanic. That wood and wheels and wire and springs and bellows Can puff and scrape as well as lusty fellows. Thus giving them a seasonable hint That if they ever dare to vent their spleen. Or e'en look sour ; The managers will shew their independence. And pay no human being for attendance. But fill their orchestra by clockwork's dint. And build a Fanharmonic Steam-machine Of ten horse power. OF QUACKERY. 57 XXIX. Altho' the gudgeon- throated mob Sharpers and swindlers daily rob, Still you may make your fortune by a hoax ; Do but invent a far fetch'd story. The road to wealth lies straight before ye. They'll ne'er suspect your honesty, kind folks. Nor likelihood nor reason need you follow. Nor fear to make the lie too gross to swallow. But in hypocrisy be firm and bold 3 Say that a man you only knew by name, (Twill pass for truth) Left you three fourths of Europe by his will. And half of India in a codicil. With fifty millions sterling, all in gold. And marvelling thousands, crouching will exclaim. Fortunate Youth I ! ' TRIUMPH XXX. In short John Bull of late is grown To Jack o'lanthorn whims so prone. That e'en a gewgaw rivets his attention ; Make but a toy to please his eye, Your name shall soon be rank'd as high As if you'd given the world some great invention 5 And half the town shall run with anxious hopes. To purchase all your what-d'ye-call-em-scopes. As late was shewn when every shop and street Teem'd with a motley group of peering winkers, Of all conditions. To such a height the peeping rage increased. That if e'er this the folly had not ceased. Our Cooks had wanted pots to boil our meat. For all the Braziers, Copper-smiths and Tinkers Had turn'd opticians. OF QUACKERY. 69 XXXI. But if you would a scene behold Where Quackery triumphs uncontroul'd, And all her freaks are seen in full perfection ; Go mingle with the busy ranks Of suffrage-seeking mountebanks. Who court ye at each general election. Who purchase votes by promises and drink, Poison each other's fame with printer's ink. And roar till hoarse, to gain the rabble's plaudit , Of "bravo, biavo, Patriotism for ever !" " Huzza, Huzza ! " And every wall presents a checquer'd page. Where wily wights a wordy warfare wage ; Where some abuse the state and others laud it, Yet each affirms no power shall make him sevcj From truth and law. 60 TRIUMPH XXXII. Some, sway'd by opposition's rules, Say " All the ministers are fools ; We are the wisest statesmen in the nation. Give lis your votes and interest, We'll never sv^^erve from your behest. Nor e'er desert the duties of our station. Naught from your rights and liberties shall warp us Our votes shall ne'er suspend the Habeas corpus: We'll ne'er consent to Armies, War, or Tax ; But each will lend your cause with heart and tongue His best ability. We all have sworn an oath with due solemnity. To raise our hands 'gainst Minister's indemnity. Nor in our contest will we e'er relax. But meet their every measure, right or wrong, With firm hostility," OF QUACKERY. 61 XXXIfl. While those who grasp the loaves and fishes Have no complaints, their only wish is The sturdy democrats from power to bar. They, like the well known priest of Bray, Think none so fit to hold the sway (Whate'er their talents) as " the powers that are." " Give us your votes" (they cry) " and scout those dogs. Those revolutionists, those demagogues. Those base incendiaries who dare suspect The sacred characters at Britain's helm Of motives sinister. Give each a place and spite of all their speeches. There's not a man will practice what he preaches, But give his present words the lie direct. And say "the wisest man in all the realm Is England's ministfer." 0^ TRIUiMPH XXXIV. Behold by Tailors, Hosiers, Drapers, And editors of Sunday papers, Tlie standard of empiricism unfurl'd. And each with confidence declares His news or other home-made wares, The very best and cheapest in the world. While Haberdashers forge on quackery's mint. And chouse us with the names of Todd and Flint. Spruce Auctioneers when fortune sends a bidder. To bless their oft deserted mart, ne'er fail Smooth lies to tell. That all their goods are bankrupt tradesmen's stock. And every day they find some stupid block Who thinks them cheap, nor pauses to consider That, like the pedlar's razors in the tale. They're " made to sell." OF QUACKERY. 63 XXXV. What hundreds more I might describe. Besides \hefry of Quackery's tribe. Those who before ne'er had the slightest notion To please beyond a country fair. Yet now are deem'd attraction's rare. And set the whole metropolis in motion, Toby the deep-learn'd scientific Boar, The wond'rous Giantess of six feet four , The Salamander who can roll in flames. So that you'd sWear he were a near relation Of Belzebubs ; Dwarfs (strange to tell) scarcely four feet in height j Monsieur la Dame, the French Hermaphrodite, And the Menagerie where London dames Fondle, without alarm or hesitation, The lion's cubs. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. Form L9-50ot-7,'54( 5990) 444 Old common sense. From the Press of W. Oxberry & Co. 8. White-hart Yard. THE LIBBAKY . UN5VERS*1Y OF CALIFOBHIA^ LOS ANGEJliES L:^ Bobbin - ^lU? London ^923 1 BINDERS OitI Zo 1956 PR hVa9 B923 1