TOO MUCH BROTHER=IN=UW 
 
 BY 
 
 ADAM J. BURKE 
 
 LOS ANGELES, GAL. 
 
 UBftx^x 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 - 
 
 PRESS OF THE 
 TIMES-MIRROR PRINTING AND 
 
 BINDING HOUSE 
 LOS ANGELES, CAL.
 
 COPYRIGHTED 1901 
 
 BY 
 
 ADAM J. BURKE
 
 This Book is a true story of real life. Only 
 
 the names of people and places 
 
 mentioned herein are fictitious 
 
 20677O4
 
 To the memory of my beloved mother, 
 
 MARY MIDDLETON BURKE, 
 
 this book is dedicated.
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 The morning sun had just commenced to send 
 its welcome rays over the Ox mountains into the 
 fertile plains below, making the beautiful landscape 
 of flowers and verdure create a picture only seen in 
 the Emerald Isle, when Edmund and Matilda 
 L'Estrange decided to call their first born son to 
 make ready to leave the beautiful village of Coola- 
 ney, the home of his childhood, to take the Midland 
 and Great Western Railway for Dublin, there to 
 enter the time-honored institution of learning and 
 culture, known the world over as Trinity College, 
 Dublin. 
 
 " We must hurry or we will not catch the ten 
 o'clock," said the father. " Call Abner again and 
 get him ready at once, for if we are late for the 
 train, it will be a sure sign his life will be full of 
 disappointments. Dear, do stop crying; he is not 
 going away for ever," said his kind-hearted father. 
 
 " Oh, how can I give him up," sobbed his fond, 
 and too-indulgent mother, for she, like all true 
 mothers, thought the one now about to leave her 
 was the dearest of them all. All his pranks and 
 faults were transformed from early vice, mischief 
 and villany to cute and boyish tricks, soon to be 
 forgotten, while his goodness and kindness with his
 
 6 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 smart sayings were sandwiched with a mother's 
 love and stored away in the secret archives of the 
 maternal core, there to lie until some day they 
 were brought out and repeated to his younger sis- 
 ters and brothers to enlighten them, just as mother 
 earth stores the sunshine of ages in her bosom there 
 to lie in darkness until resurrected in after years 
 to give light to her children. 
 
 " Is Abner ready ? " was the next sound heard in 
 the old hall of the L'Estrange domicile. 
 
 " Soon will be," said his sister Olivia, as she 
 with sisterly tenderness and love, packed his grip 
 for his first start in life. 
 
 All now ready, Abner kissed his sisters and 
 mother good-bye, shook hands with his brothers 
 and the servants, and gave his pet dog a farewell 
 glance. 
 
 " Go on," said Jack to coal-black Charlie, and as 
 the words reached the horse's ears, he sped at a 
 twelve-mile gait on to the station which was just 
 seven miles away. Sitting on one side of the Irish 
 jaunting car, his father on the other, with Jack the 
 driver on the box, Abner looked up and down the 
 valley and along the forest-clad slopes, bidding his 
 native haunts good-bye, realizing for the first time 
 how he loved the home of his birth. As they sped 
 along near the village, over a macadamized road, 
 hedged on either side by the well-known Irish 
 White Thorn, which was in full blossom and sent
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 7 
 
 forth its fragrance on the fresh morning air, nature 
 seemed to smell its sweetest, but could not soothe 
 the aching heart or stifle the mother's and sisters' 
 cries which now rang more loudly in Abner's ears. 
 Black Charlie, who in days past could not go fast 
 enough for Abner, now was taking him at too quick 
 a gait to suit his youthful master. 
 
 " Master, look at the clock, we made the seven 
 miles in thirty-five minutes. We will have twenty- 
 five minutes to wait," said Jack, as he pulled up 
 at the railway station. 
 
 All now got off except Jack, who walked the 
 horse up and down to keep him from catching cold. 
 Abner sat on the wall near the entrance, while his 
 father got the ticket and arranged for his baggage, 
 which, by the way, they never checked in Ireland 
 or England then. 
 
 It was marked like freight, in America, and all 
 had to hunt up their own baggage at their desti- 
 nation. 
 
 The sun was now well up over the mountain top ; 
 working men in the Middleton & Pollexfen Mills, 
 were going back to work after breakfast; the lark 
 in the near-by meadow was singing his morning lay 
 while soaring to his home in the clouds ; the thrush, 
 with extended beak, was sending forth his best 
 efforts of love to his mate sitting on her brood in a 
 laurel tree on the old Mitchell farm; Robert R. 
 Hillas' doves were cooing while eating some of
 
 8 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Middleton & Pollexfen's wheat ; the deer in the 
 Markree Demesne were slumbering under the trees 
 in peace, and all nature seemed happy and at home. 
 In the midst of all, Abner was still sad and his mind 
 wandering. He was sad, for he was leaving all 
 these scenes behind, and as his thoughts were turned 
 backward like Bellamy's book, the snorts of the iron 
 steed could be plainly heard above all the sweet 
 cadence of nature. Soon the steam from its nos- 
 trils could be seen in the distance, and the next 
 moment, it pulled up at the Ballisodare station, puff- 
 ing and blowing like a hunted deer. 
 
 " All aboard," was the next cry. 
 
 " She is leaving, Abner," said his father, impa- 
 tiently. 
 
 " No, she will not leave until old Middleton 
 comes," was the reply ; " she will wait for him." 
 
 This is in a country where they boast all are 
 treated alike under the laws of travel. Alas, no; 
 rank and the gold guinea play just as prominent a 
 part as in this land of ours where we acknowledge 
 some go Count, Duke, Duck, and Title-hunting, 
 while almost all worship the golden calf which 
 Israel had made. 
 
 Abner now sees old Middleton, and a stooped, 
 bow-legged clerk coming along, and like the con- 
 demned man, knows his time is up, bids farewell 
 to his father and Jack, the whistle blows and away 
 they go. This is Abner's first ride, and he never
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 9 
 
 before had seen trees, houses and animals move at 
 such a pace. Farms and houses passed him so he 
 could not count the poles that held the wire strings 
 for the birds to perch on. 
 
 " Coolooney all aboard," " Ballymote all aboard," 
 " Mullingar all aboard," were the next sounds that 
 greeted Abner's ears. When the guard on the 
 train called out Mullingar, someone in the car 
 repeated, " Beef to the heels like a Mullingar 
 heifer." Abner looked out and on the adjacent field 
 he could see the exemplification of the words, for 
 there stood in wonder, with heads high in the air, 
 a beautiful herd of the fattest cattle on earth. 
 
 " Beef, indeed, to the heels, and as smooth as an 
 eel's skin," cried Abner, with delight, for he 
 always loved nice animals and now thought he would 
 leave his seat and look these over, but, before he 
 got as far as the wire fence, " All aboard " was 
 called again, and the train was moving slowly when 
 Abner reached it. 
 
 " Shut the door on him, if he does not stay in," 
 said the guard to the porter, angrily. Abner did 
 not again leave his seat until Broadstone terminus 
 was reached and all commenced to leave the car. 
 Looking around him, he was surprised at the mam- 
 moth drapery establishment of Pym Brothers Com- 
 pany, Limited, and turning to a boy, said : " That 
 is a great deal larger shop than we have in our
 
 10 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 town ; I'll go and get some lemon drops before I go 
 to the Dean." 
 
 Suiting the action to the word, he walked across 
 the street to find this giant 'establishment could not 
 fill his penny order as well as the little store in the 
 country village, on whose sign were the following 
 words : 
 
 " Bibles, Blackball and Butter ; Testaments, Tar 
 and Treacle; Godly Books and Gimlets, as well as 
 Sweets and Candies, sold here." Also, " Grocer to 
 Her Majesty the Queen and His Royal Highness, 
 the Prince of Wales." 
 
 Turning to the same boy with disappointment 
 plainly on his face, Abner exclaimed : 
 
 " Dublin belongs to the Allopathic, while Coola- 
 ney is indeed Homopathic," and he again swelled 
 out with pride in his native town and her wonderful 
 store. 
 
 " I must see the Dean at once," said he, as he 
 walked towards T. C. D., for it is now noon and 
 meal time. 
 
 In a few minutes, he was at the sanctuary and 
 registering his name, " Abner L'Estrange, Coola- 
 ney, County Sligo, Ireland; Secular and Divinity 
 Education desired." Having done this, he was 
 given his room number and assigned to a place 
 among the seven thousand seekers of knowledge 
 who are daily fed at the tables of old Trinity. Din-
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 11 
 
 ner bell now rang and Abner joined the boys in 
 their march to the table. 
 
 " Sit up straight," " Keep your arms in," " Wait 
 until you are waited on," " Get up and leave the 
 dining hall," were the words addressed to a smart 
 youth at the opposite table. 
 
 Abner now found a place where he must prac- 
 tice what mother preached to him so long. 
 
 First meal over, he was at home, and he was 
 determined to be among the best boys in his class. 
 He studied Greek and Hebrew, read the Bible with 
 care, tried hard to find out the Truth. Found he 
 could not very well swallow Jonah and his whale, 
 or how the fish increased so rapidly on dry land; 
 but on the whole, he got along very well, passed 
 his secular examination in the front rank, and now 
 commenced to study the Church and its doctrine. 
 He was one of the doubting Thomas kind and 
 wished to put' his fingers into the nail prints and 
 thrust his hand into the hole in the side every 
 time a failing which is liable to get a student into 
 trouble, as it did him, later on. When he read his 
 essay on " Infant Baptism," he took too much pains 
 to deny that the child was re-generated or born 
 again ; said the infant was grafted into the body of 
 Christ's Church, but no spiritual change had taken 
 place in the cherub; his regeneration would take 
 place later on, if at all, when he was converted if 
 he ever was. Bishop Straughan grew furious at
 
 12 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 this innovation, as he was pleased to call it ; 
 denounced Abner as a heretic and a backslider ; said 
 he must recant instantly, or leave the theological 
 school at once. 
 
 " Show me where I am wrong, and I will correct 
 it," said Abner meekly, to this ruler over God's 
 heritage. 
 
 " Well, the Church says, be regenerated, etc., and 
 he that believeth not in the Church and its teach- 
 ing, the same is a heathen and a Publican." 
 
 Abner replied, " Prove all things, hold fast to that 
 which is good ; search the Scriptures, for they are 
 they which testify of me ; and nowhere in the Bible 
 does it say or even hint that the child is regene- 
 rated." 
 
 " Stop ! " cried his lordship, " Leave this hall 
 instantly, and when you are ready to recant, I will 
 ask the Church to take you back. Until then, go 
 go, I say ! " 
 
 Abner stood in utter amazement, wondering what 
 step next to take, when the immortal Dean passed 
 and whispered in his ear : " Though all men for- 
 sake thee, I am with thee even unto the ends of the 
 earth. Stand fast by your convictions, and Christ 
 will make you free." 
 
 These words were balm to the young wounded 
 soul and he commenced to sing in a low voice the 
 words of Cardinal Newman, " Lead, kindly light 
 amidst the encircling gloom, lead Thou me on; I
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 13 
 
 do not wish to see, one step enough for me, lead 
 thou me on." 
 
 The sun was now going down in the west as the 
 young martyr to his convictions, walked away from 
 his Alma Mater to seek employment in the outer 
 world. Wending his way to the dock, he found a 
 boat to Liverpool, and he embarked for that city. 
 Arriving there next day, he sought employment at 
 the various merchants' offices. He at last found 
 one, where he could earn twenty-one shillings a 
 week as clerk. Next day he commenced to work, 
 and the first, second, third and fourth weeks were 
 passed, and his work was perfectly satisfactory. 
 His wages were doubled, but his path was not to be 
 strewn with roses. The clouds caused by the 
 Bishop's wrath were growing darker and darker, 
 until, one day, he found Abner's employer and 
 asked that he be discharged without recommend. 
 
 Mr. Bullis, with sorrow r printed on his face, called 
 Abner into the inner office on the twentieth Monday 
 in his employ, looked up into his youthful face with 
 pity and said : " Abner, I must let you go, or the 
 Bishop will ruin my business." % 
 
 " Well, Mr. Bullis, I have been faithful ; can not 
 you give me a recommend so as I can get another 
 job?" 
 
 " No, my dear boy, I can not. His Lordship has 
 forbid me to do so, and I cannot afford to antago- 
 nize him. Abner," continued Mr. Bullis, " vou
 
 14 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 had better take back what you said, as the Bishop 
 is a most influential man. I suppose you know, 
 though, he is a cousin to the Premier, and that is 
 how he got his job." 
 
 This was something new to Abner, for the Bishop 
 had already told him that the Lord selects men to 
 be bishops who are known to be far above other 
 men in the fields of learning and piety. Now he 
 learned he was made bishop because he had a pull 
 with the powers that be, same as a ward politician 
 gets his relative on the police force in New York 
 City. 
 
 " Mr. Bullis," said Abner, " you are a coward, 
 and as your name is Nelson, I would suggest, as 
 Alexander did of old, you change your name or 
 your conduct. I will not recant; I will not take 
 back one word I have spoken. I will answer only 
 to Him in whom we live, move and have our being. 
 I do not expect justice this side the clouds. I have 
 already appealed my case to Him before whom 
 Bishops, Popes and Kings must bow, same as poor 
 students, and where true and exact justice will be 
 meted out to all alike, regardless of their wealth or 
 station in life. Mr. Bullis, why do you deny me 
 what is my right a recommend ? " 
 
 " My dear fellow," said Mr. Bullis, " my heart 
 aches for you ; I would give you a recommend if I 
 dared to. You know, Abner, that most of us
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 15 
 
 English believe that whatever the Bishop does and 
 says is right." 
 
 " Well, Mr. Nelson Bullis, I shall pray to God 
 for the English people that the scales may some day 
 fall from their eyes, and the cobwebs that shroud 
 their intellect, and that they will see the truth face 
 to face, and not ' through a glass darkly,' as they 
 now do." 
 
 " Now, Abner," said Mr. Bullis, " here's your 
 day's pay, and do not come to work tomorrow, for 
 I have a man to take your place in the morning." 
 
 " I did not hire out for a day, Mr. Bullis," said 
 Abner, with much warmth ; " you will give me a 
 week's pay, or I'll cite you before the mayor ; I will 
 not let you cheat me, even if you are doing God's 
 servant's dirty work by discharging me without a 
 cause." 
 
 After much grumbling Mr. Bullis drew from the 
 safety vault in his pantaloons a week's pay and 
 handed it to Abner, saying, as he did so, " Here, 
 and I am sorry to have to let you go." 
 
 These words touched Abner's noble soul and he 
 handed back the week's pay to his employer, saying, 
 " Keep this, I will not take it ; I haven't worked 
 for it," and reaching out his large hand to the mer- 
 chant, he bid him farewell and walked out on Water 
 Street. 
 
 After Abner departed, Mr. Bullis thought the
 
 16 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 matter over more seriously, and after a few min- 
 utes sent the office boy to call him back. 
 
 Abner returned to find his former employer in a 
 sort of stupor. 
 
 " Well," said he, " what do you wish to say to 
 me?" 
 
 " Well, Abner, if you can find a job, send your 
 employer to me and I'll give him a good word about 
 you and he cannot show it to the Church people, if 
 they go to haul me up for it." 
 
 Abner's face flushed an angry fire, and turning 
 on his heel, said with emphasis : " No, I will not. 
 I will go to a land where the God of love and justice 
 and not the God of despotic vengeance is wor- 
 shipped ; where all men have a chance and a right 
 to earn a living; where every man is a sovereign 
 and where no man is now master," and that night 
 found Abner L'Estrange a passenger on board the 
 White Star line Britannic, in stateroom 141, bound 
 for the City of New York. 
 
 After Abner had left, his employer said to the 
 junior clerk, " that fellow Abner is no one's fool ; I 
 wish I had kept him Church or no Church." 
 
 While this conversation was taking place, the 
 Britannic was plowing her way to the Western 
 Hemisphere, with one thousand three hundred souls 
 on board. Abner L'Estrange was tired and sick 
 and went early to bed. When he looked out the 
 next morning, he could see nothing in sight but blue
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 17 
 
 blue sky, blue ocean and blue Abner. " Trinity 
 again," said he, " all blue." 
 
 On the sixth day out, the sea gulls which had 
 deserted them on the second morning, now flew 
 around the ship's sides looking for food, but no 
 other signs of land were visible, and the poor fellow 
 was sick nigh unto death, when a sympathetic pas- 
 senger walked by, and said to Abner : 
 
 " Young man, you have a weak stomach." 
 
 " I cannot see, sir, how you say that ; am I not 
 sending it out as far into the sea as any of the rest 
 of the passengers ? " 
 
 This was the first time he wished for the angel ot 
 death to call him hence. Struggling to his room, 
 he lay there for days, and when told New York 
 was in sight, he did not seem to understand, for he 
 was in a violent fever, and would answer by asking 
 if there were any bishops there. 
 
 " No, but King Croker is there, and he is just as 
 tyrannical." 
 
 " Well, we must land there, anyway, but I shall 
 not stay there very long," said the exile of Erin. 
 
 Abner's sickness was now leaving him, and as 
 land showed in sight, his heart took courage and the 
 invigorating breeze from the shore gave him new 
 life. " Well," cried he, " won't I be glad when my 
 feet touch terra firma again ! " 
 
 The Britannic was now within a few miles of the 
 clock where she was to give up her living cargo.
 
 18 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 When he looked out, he eyes fell upon the mammoth 
 beehive of Western industry; crafts of all nations 
 except Carrie's were there, plowing the waves or sit- 
 ting quietly on them like a sea gull. The sounds 
 that then traversed the air reminded him of an old 
 story he had read at school, " Cretes and Arabians, 
 we do hear them speak in our tongues," for 
 sailors from every clime were busily employed on 
 the vessels in the harbor. 
 
 " All first-class passengers ashore," said the man 
 at the head of the gang-plank. 
 
 " I'd like to go ashore, but I do not feel first- 
 class," muttered Abner, slowly. 
 
 " See your ticket. All right, go up the plank." 
 
 " Thank God," cried Abner, " I'm on land once 
 more. My stomach will no longer be used as a food 
 mixer for the sea gulls and fish of the Atlantic 
 Ocean, as it has been for the past seven days." 
 
 Abner was now at the foot of Broadway, New 
 York, friendless, almost penniless, and alone. Night 
 was fast coming on him, so he must look out for 
 some place to sleep. 
 
 " Where can I find a room ? " he asked of a 
 street Arab. 
 
 " Lots 'em. You can get fine suites or rooms at 
 the Waldorf Astoria for a hundred dollars a week, 
 or I get a bed at the boys' lodging house for a 
 dime. Come with me." 
 
 " The latter would suit my purse, while the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 19 
 
 former I suppose, would suit my tired body best," 
 thought the stranger to himself. " I will ask this 
 officer, however, to recommend me to some respect- 
 able place. 
 
 " Officer, where are the best houses to get board 
 and rooms at ? " 
 
 The Yankee with the Irish tongue, said : " I 
 guess that house across the street's all right." 
 
 " Officer, do you know of any one who could tell 
 me for certain ? " 
 
 " I room there," said the limb of law and dis- 
 order, " and I should know." 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " you should, but you're 
 only guessing at it, and I want one who knows, not 
 guesses." 
 
 " Now, you go there and hire board, or I'll give 
 you a free room in jail for a month." 
 
 Abner read something in the Lexow inves- 
 tigation report about police bribery and corruption, 
 so he hired his board at the sister-in-law of this 
 efficient officer, rather than incur his further dis- 
 pleasure; but he resolved to leave New York city 
 in the morning, if he could not find a place where 
 life was more congenial to him than this favorite 
 house. " I will not stay here another day," he 
 said, with tears running down his face. 
 
 The morning came and he dressed himself in his 
 black coat and seamless vest, walked up Broadway, 
 wondering where he could get employment, when
 
 20 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 his orbs rested on the " World " building, the 
 dome of which towered towards the great archi- 
 tect's home. " Boy Wanted " was on the bulletin 
 board. 
 
 Stepping into the head office, he inquired for the 
 manager. 
 
 " I am he," said the brainy son of Israel, " and 
 I'll talk to you in a minute if you will please take 
 a seat." 
 
 " I will do so," said Abner, meekly. 
 
 " Now, my friend, what will I be doing for 
 you?" 
 
 " Give me that job on the bulletin board," he 
 answered. 
 
 " Well, my son, if you are a boy, where do we 
 get our men ? Take off your coat and go to work. 
 Four dollars a week, but if you are worthy, you will 
 be advanced soon. Are you an Irish Hebrew, may 
 I ask?" 
 
 " I am Irish, and believe in the God of the Jews," 
 said Abner, with a smile. 
 
 Pulitzer's heart is like his nose large for the 
 rest of his body and instead of paying him four 
 dollars a week, as agreed, he gave him six times 
 that amount, and Abner, in patriarchial style, called 
 him blessed, and exclaimed: 
 
 " No wonder he owns the world, for while he 
 does not have nor believe in Bishops, he does 
 believe in the Fatherhood of God and the Uni-
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 21 
 
 versal Brotherhood of Man and practices just what 
 he preaches, rendering unto the King what is His 
 and to all men the helping hand of friendship and 
 brotherly love."
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 " George Lewis," said his sister Ethel, " hurry 
 up and get ready to go to work. Bishop Straughan 
 and his nephew have got you a good position with 
 Mr. Nelson Bullis, the wholesale fish dealer on 
 Water Street. I have a letter here to Mr. Bullis 
 from them, recommending you." 
 
 "' What does he wish me to do? " 
 
 " Keep his books and sell goods, I believe," said 
 his sister. 
 
 " Well, I wish he had kept his recommend ; I 
 don't know a mackerel from a sturgeon, and what 
 is more, I don't care to learn. John Thorne and 
 I are going up the river fishing and we will not be 
 back for a week." 
 
 " Mother said you must go to work this morning, 
 and instructed me to tell you so." 
 
 With a, growl on his lips, scowl on his forehead, 
 his teeth set, the veins in his neck swollen, he w r ent 
 to the breakfast table that morning ready to find 
 fault with everything and anything. Breakfast 
 over, he left home for the wholesale fish house. 
 On reaching the door, he asked if the proprietor 
 was in. Mr. Bullis eyed him crftically and his 
 style of entry did not make a good impression on 
 this hard-headed vendor of acquatic products.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 23 
 
 " I am he," said Mr. Bullis, still keeping his eyes 
 on the candidate for the position of trust created 
 for him by clerical vengeance. Without a word, 
 George Lewis handed Mr. Bullis the letter of 
 recommendation from the Bishop and his nephew. 
 It read as follows : 
 
 "To Nelson Bullis, Esq., 198 Water Street, 
 Liverpool. 
 
 This will introduce to you Mr. George Lewis, 
 a young man of excellent habits and disposition. 
 My uncle and I both take pride in recom- 
 mending him to you. He is a most obedient, duti- 
 ful and affectionate son ; a, kind, attentive and fond 
 brother and a true Christian, and we are sure any 
 confidence you may be pleased to place in him 
 will not be betrayed. With our blessing, he will 
 enter your house as soon as you deem meet. 
 Yours, 
 
 J. F. STRAUGHAN, 
 
 Rector." 
 
 The merchant read the letter, and beckoning to 
 the young man to follow, led the way into the 
 inner office. When there he turned to George Lewis 
 and said : 
 
 " Come here, and I will show you what I want 
 you to do. All goods shipped for cash or on 
 credit, have got to be charged in this book by you, 
 and you are responsible for everything that goes 
 out" of this store. Here are the Sales Book, Stock
 
 24 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Book, Day Book, Journal, Ledger, Time Book and 
 Cash Book. Look them all over and if there is any- 
 thing you do not understand, I am here to explain. 
 See that all bills receivable and payable are settled 
 on time; see that insurance policies are all renewed 
 before they expire. Do you understand ? " 
 
 " I do. How much pay am I going to get for this 
 and how many days vacation ? " 
 
 " Fifty-six days out of three hundred and sixty- 
 five," said Mr. Bullis, with a wink. 
 
 " All right," said George Lewis, forgetting that 
 there were fifty-two Sundays in a year. 
 
 " Mr. Bookkeeper, please charge two crates of 
 Scotch herring at seven-eighths of a penny each, to 
 J. W. Walker. Give me the bill, please, quick, cus- 
 tomer is waiting." 
 
 " How many in a crate ? " 
 
 " 144 fish in each. Please hurry." 
 
 " I'll send the bill by mail," said the bookkeeper, 
 "give him the fish." 
 
 " He wants his bill with them," said the ship- 
 ping clerk, "or he will not take them." 
 
 " Here it is," said George, who billed two hun- 
 dred and eighty-eight Scotch herring at seven- 
 eighths of a penny each. 
 
 Forty-eight customers called that day, and 
 George was expected to post all his books before 
 6 P. M.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 25 
 
 It was just three A. M. when he rang his mother's 
 door bell. 
 
 In the morning his mother called him for break- 
 fast and asked him : " What time last night did 
 you come in this morning ? " 
 
 " It was three o'clock before I left the office." 
 
 " Well, what kept you so long ? " 
 
 " I did not get my cash balanced before that 
 time. I was looking for four and a half pennies 
 all night and I could not find them, so I made my 
 cash balance by taking some out of my pocket and 
 putting them into the cash box." 
 
 Next morning, his employer asked him why he 
 did not get around to open the store at six o'clock. 
 
 " I was all night here trying to balance cash and 
 could not," said George, in a disgusted tone. 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Bullis, "cash is hard to find 
 when it's stolen. I took the four and a half pen- 
 nies out of the drawer to see if you were accurate 
 and faithful. I am glad to see you did try to find 
 it." 
 
 " Yes, I was from six p. M. until three o'clock 
 looking for it, and I will now pay myself double 
 time for the overtime I worked and charge it to 
 you, Mr. Bullis, for if I am not true to myself, how 
 can I be true to others." 
 
 Mr. Bullis walked away and made no answer. 
 
 Days passed and came and George Lewis was at 
 his desk, but months behind on his books. He
 
 26 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 hated the work, consequently could make no head- 
 way. Bills were sent back daily for correction ; bank 
 was overdrawn, because accounts were not posted 
 and Old Nick was to pay, in general. George 
 Lewis was far too careless and not quick enough 
 for his position, consequently, chaos was reached 
 at last. When the New Year came, he was told 
 to get his books ready for inventory, but it would 
 be July before he could do it. He worked night 
 and day at them, but no use. 
 
 " George," said his employer, "when will you 
 have the Balance Sheet ready ? " 
 
 " I do not know," said George, with a look ot 
 despair on his face." 
 
 " Must have it soon, or will have to get some 
 one to help you at your expense," said his employer, 
 harshly. 
 
 " All right, sir, I am willing." 
 
 That night George Lewis worried over his 
 books and was much chagrined by the taunts of 
 the shipping clerks, for they took pleasure in saying 
 to him that Mr. L'Estrange always got his books 
 posted at five o'clock and was ready to go home 
 when the bell rang. 
 
 " George," said the head shipping clerk, " why 
 don't you eat some of those powder crackers, they'll 
 put life in you." 
 
 When six o'clock came that day, all hands walked 
 out of the store. George Lewis followed, but for-
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 27 
 
 got to lock the safe or put in his books. His heart 
 was sad, for he was now so deeply in work, he did 
 not see his way out. When he reached home, his 
 mother asked him what was the matter : 
 
 " You look sick and tired," she said. 
 
 Supper over, George went to bed and soon was 
 sleeping soundly, dreaming of his cash and books, 
 when his sister rushed into his room, calling out: 
 
 " George, 196 Water Street is in flames and it is 
 feared the Bullis building will soon be on fire." 
 
 George got up and looking out of the window, 
 could plainly see the fire sending its lurid flames 
 over the Bullis building. Putting on his clothes, 
 he ran down the street towards the store, which 
 was now one seething mass of fire and black clouds 
 of smoke rolled up into the heavens. Tongues ol 
 fire leaped out of the darkness and illumined the 
 neighboring streets, making a scene of awesome 
 splendor. 
 
 George stood looking on as motionless as the 
 lamp post, when up to him, rushed his employer. 
 
 " George," he exclaimed, " were the insurance 
 papers all renewed January ist?" 
 
 " What insurance papers ? " said George. " I 
 didn't touch them." 
 
 " My God, I am ruined ! They all ran out Jan- 
 uary first, and I haven't one penny on my building 
 or stock. I am a ruined man. I am ruined, also 
 my creditors and my wife, whose money I borrowed
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 last January. My God ! " he exclaimed, "what 
 shall I do?" 
 
 Next morning a message flashed over the wire 
 from Dublin : 
 
 "Having heard of the disaster which has fallen 
 upon you, His Lordship and I extend, with our 
 blessing, our most sincere sympathy. J. F. 
 Straughan." 
 
 That night, George Lewis rolled on his bed and 
 could not sleep. He would say to himself: "Am 
 I the Jonah, or has Mr. Bullis displeased God that 
 this visitation should be sent upon him. I cannot 
 recall any act of mine that would deserve such 
 austere punishment. I will ask Mr. Bullis what he 
 has done, that such a dire calamity should fall upon 
 him." 
 
 Next morning, they found the safe open and all 
 its contents destroyed, but the desk had fallen 
 before the books were burned. They fell from it 
 and were safely buried in the water which the fire- 
 men threw upon the building. 
 
 " So much saved, anyway, but what good are the 
 books when the insurance policies have all expired," 
 said Mr. Bullis to himself, as he wrung his hands 
 and looked at the smouldering building, with tears 
 coursing down his worried cheeks. Neighbors and 
 friends called at the Bullis home that evening to 
 extend their sympathy to their unfortunate friend 
 and neighbor, among them, the rector of the church
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 29 
 
 that the Bullis family, for five generations, had 
 attended. He told Mr. Bullis not to grieve, that 
 the Lord would bring it out all right. 
 
 " Whom He loveth, He chasteneth. Cheer up, my 
 brother, all will yet be well with you. Have you 
 asked Jackson & Lansing, the insurance agents, 
 when your policies ran out? " 
 
 " Yes, I did today, and they telephoned me back, 
 January the first." 
 
 The parlor and drawingroom were crowded when 
 the door bell rang, and a card from a newspaper 
 reporter was handed the attendant with the words : 
 
 " Please hand this to Mr. Bullis and say to him 
 I want to see him for a moment." 
 
 Mr. Bullis came, and the representative of the 
 New York World, said, in a voice trained for the 
 occasion : 
 
 " Mr. Bullis, I am sorry to hear that you met 
 with such a serious loss. How much stock had you 
 on hand ? How much were you insured for ? " 
 
 " I had about twenty thousand pounds in stock, 
 beside the building, and not one cent insurance on 
 either all ran out last January." 
 
 " Too bad, too bad," said the scribe, and he bowed 
 himself out. 
 
 Next morning the article appeared in the New 
 York World, and Abner's eyes fell upon the lines: 
 
 " Bullis, the fishmonger on Water Street, Liver- 
 pool, England, totally destroyed by fire. Loss
 
 30 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 about $150,000. No insurance expired last Jan- 
 uary." 
 
 " That is not so," said Abner to himself, " I 
 ordered the insurance renewed, and have in my 
 trunk a receipt from Jackson & Lansing represent- 
 ing the different companies, agreeing to renew for 
 another year, without notice, the policies in their 
 companies. I also paid them fifty pounds on 
 account of renewal and have their receipt. Are 
 they trying to swindle poor old BuIIis out of his 
 insurance? Well, I will not allow them; I'll tele- 
 graph Bullis at once." 
 
 He left his desk and rushed over to the telegraph 
 office and sent the following message across the 
 briny deep: 
 
 " To Nelson Bullis, Liverpool, England : 
 
 "Your insurance has not run out. 1 
 renewed it for one year from January first. See my 
 letter of today. Show this to Jackson & Lansing. 
 Abner L'Estrange (without recommend)." 
 
 Words cannot describe the feelings of joy, grat- 
 itude and affection that took hold of the heart of 
 Nelson Bullis as he read the cablegram to himself. 
 
 " I'll run home and show my wife and neighbors 
 and tell them of my good luck," and he dashed 
 away down the street, blind to the people he 
 passed, until he was stopped by the World's 
 reporter, whose pencil drivers are always on the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 31 
 
 alert for the latest, and asked if there was any- 
 thing new. 
 
 " Yes, a great deal of good news," said Mr. 
 Bullis, excitedly, " my insurance policies are all in 
 force. Abner L/Estrange, my former bookkeeper, 
 has saved me from ruin. He had them renewed 
 for another year. Wasn't it good! 1 wish he 
 would come back and work for me now, and no 
 power on earth could persuade me to let him go. 
 He had his work all finished at 4 P. M V every day, 
 and Lewis will never be able to do it alone. I will 
 ask him back just as soon as I get ready to open." 
 
 " Father," said his daughter Mabel, in sarcastic 
 tones, " how can Mr. L'Estrange get employment 
 in the United States, without your recommend, 
 which you denied him at the dictation of his 
 enemies ? " 
 
 " Please, Mabel, do not chide me for it now ; I 
 thought I was doing right." 
 
 " Father," she continued, " is it not written some- 
 where, ' Be just and fear not.' J: 
 
 " I know, my child, but in business, we have to 
 be politic." 
 
 " We should always be just," she added with 
 emphasis. 
 
 Mabel had from the first secretly loved Abner 
 and he reciprocated her affection. When he left 
 Liverpool he sent her a note saying he would write 
 her when he found employment in the New World,
 
 32 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 and he did, several times, but her ever- watchful 
 mother consigned them to the flames of the coal 
 fire in the kitchen, and they never reached their 
 destination, but did their end. 
 
 Mabel watched for days and weeks and months 
 for the long looked for letter, which came not, and 
 she wondered why Abner did not keep his word. 
 When his telegram came to her father, she wrote 
 him asking him why he did not write as agreed. 
 He at once replied; said he had written several 
 times, but got no answer. Mabel, by this time, 
 commenced to suspect her mother, so she left word 
 at the post office for her mail to be kept there until 
 she personally called for it. She then got her wel- 
 come letters twice a week. 
 
 Nelson Bullis collected his insurance on the stock 
 and building, and soon the store was in shape for 
 business again. 
 
 Mabel left on July the first for Stockholm, 
 Sweden, and while there, visited her uncle, Doctor 
 Winston, at his summer home on the slopes, where 
 she contracted typhoid fever, and while everything 
 that affectionate care and medical science could do, 
 was done for her, her young frame was rapidly 
 burning up by the disease. She, knowing her end 
 was nigh at hand, requested that Abner be asked 
 to come from America and see his dear little girl 
 for the last time this side the grave. Who could 
 refuse such a dear one, such a kind, sweet face?
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 33 
 
 Certainly not the noble-hearted Abner, whose soul 
 was yearning to see her, and whose life was wrapped 
 up in her, on whom all his future hopes centered. 
 
 He sailed from New York on July the eighth, and 
 reached Sweden July the fifteenth, at noon. He at 
 once went to her bedside and found her repeating 
 the beautiful lines of Richard Lovelace : 
 
 " ' If I have freedom in my love, and in my 
 soul am free, angels, alone, who soar above, enjoy 
 such liberty.' ' : 
 
 These lines must have sent a dagger into her 
 mother's soul, for surely she remembered how she 
 had sidetracked her daughter's freedom for years. 
 The old lady, recognizing the laws of decorum, left 
 them alone for awhile, and when they both recov- 
 ered their equilibrium, Mabel said : 
 
 "Abner, my dearest and most noble darling, how 
 I love to see you for even a little while. Come near 
 to me and kiss me." 
 
 He placed his strong arms around her neck, and 
 as he raised her up to him, he felt the heat of her 
 forehead, and then commenced to realize how sick 
 his angel was. A look of intense grief and despair 
 overspread his placid countenance, as he pressed 
 her feverish face to his. 
 
 " My beloved," he said, " look at me." 
 
 As he bent over the beautiful, quiet figure, slowly 
 and lovingly the fatigued lids were raised, one 
 fond, faint smile, a semi-lifted hand; then, with a
 
 34 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 moan, she sank back upon her pillow, muttering 
 the words, " Precious one, stay with me." She 
 sighed and soon was fast asleep. 
 
 In a few moments she awoke again, and seeing 
 sorrow on Abner's face, she said : 
 
 " Be of good cheer, and do not let mother see you 
 crying. I do not wish you to grieve so for me. 
 I am not worth one of those precious tears," and 
 as she spoke she stroked his smooth face with her 
 pale, emaciated hand, and in her sublime effort to 
 cheer her loved one, said : " I am not going to die ; 
 I will now live for your sake." 
 
 After saying this, she fell back again in a 
 slumber. Her face was pink and pale, and Abner, 
 fearing the end had come, called to her uncle and 
 mother, who at once came to her bedside. 
 
 " Doctor, is she dead ? " asked Abner, impatiently. 
 
 " No, my dear boy, she is only sleeping." 
 
 After a while, she awoke, and her face was an 
 index to high fever. She once more stretched out 
 her tiny hand to Abner, who took it tenderly in his, 
 and for a few moments all was still, when she again 
 went off in slumber. 
 
 The doctor now suggested that Abner and her 
 mother take a walk in the open air before retiring 
 for the night, for he feared an attack of the disease 
 if they did not go out. 
 
 "Abner," said Mrs. Bullis, as they wandered 
 along the graveled pathway under arched willows
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 35 
 
 and over rustic bridges which surrounded the Win- 
 ston home, " my conscience has been troubling me. 
 I wish to say to you it was I who burned your let- 
 ters to Mabel, and I ask you now to forgive me. 
 Won't you do it? I ask it for her sake," she con- 
 tinued, "you won't refuse me, will you? My love 
 for Mabel prompted me to do it. I hated the 
 thought of anyone ever taking her away from me. 
 I want you now to know I had nothing against 
 you, but I loved her too dearly to give her up." 
 
 " I hope we will all be forgiven," said Abner, 
 reluctantly. 
 
 The moon was rushing past the clouds, as if it 
 had a special message to deliver to each sister 
 planet. As Abner and Mrs. Bullis walked along 
 they gazed listlessly at this heavenly luminary's 
 lunation, and thought only of her who rolled in 
 feverish anguish on a bed of sickness in the home 
 yonder. 
 
 " I wonder," said Abner to Mrs. Bullis, " if there 
 is any chance of Mabel's recovery," as he wiped 
 away a silent tear that trickled down his blanched 
 cheeks. 
 
 " The doctor says she has no chance, and that it 
 is only a matter of a few days to the end," said 
 Mrs. Bullis, between her sobs, which shook her 
 frame almost to convulsions. Abner could not 
 restrain his feelings any longer, and he broke out in 
 bitter weeping. The faithful dog at their heels
 
 36 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 added his mournful lay to the cries of sorrow 
 which floated on the midnight air, and an owl on 
 a neighboring tree mingled his whoo with that of 
 the mourners. 
 
 Abner and Mrs. Bullis reached the residence of 
 Doctor Winston at last, as the clock in the hall 
 rang out the wee, small hours of the morning. 
 
 " My," said Abner, " one o'clock ! How time 
 flies." 
 
 As they entered the house Mrs. Bullis said, in 
 kindly tones, " John, show Mr. L'Estrange to his 
 room," and turning to Abner, said " Good night," 
 as she entered her room and closed her door. 
 
 " I hope things will look brighter in the morn- 
 ing," he murmured to himself. 
 
 The morning came and Abner got up early to see 
 the sun rise over the horizon, and as he entered 
 Mabel's room, it shone brightly in at the window. 
 Glancing hastily around the room and at the sun- 
 beams, he said to the doctor: 
 
 " Nice, bright morning, isn't it, doctor." 
 
 " Yes," answered the guardian of health, in 
 tears, "but all is now dark to the gaze of Mabel. 
 She is beholding the unveiled glory of the Sun of 
 Righteousness; she is at peace at last. Beautiful, 
 lovely character she was. We all will miss her; I 
 could not have loved her more if she were my own 
 child," said the doctor to the nurse, as he fondly 
 gazed on the lovely face now still in death.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 37 
 
 There were sad hearts at the Winston home that 
 night, but none sadder than Abner, for her beau- 
 tiful face, exquisite complexion, queenly form and 
 carriage, crowned by a wealth of golden hair, was 
 indelibly stamped upon his heart never to be effaced, 
 and her unswerving devotion, loyalty and pure 
 affection for him, were as true as the needle to the 
 pole and enshrined her in the secret recesses of his 
 core, there to stay until time is no more. 
 
 " I may in after years meet someone I love as 
 much as I did her," meditated Abner, sadly, " but 
 never will I meet another with such a pure, unselfish 
 soul as she had." 
 
 She was laid with tears and flowers in the grave 
 on the sunny slopes of Sweden, there to lie until 
 all are called on the resurrection morn. Abner 
 placed some forget-me-nots on the grave and 
 wandered listlessly back to the house. Next day, he 
 visited it again and found the following lines rest- 
 ing on the flowers which covered the grave: 
 
 Tread lightly, love, when over my head, 
 
 Beneath the daisies lying, 
 And tenderly press the grassy bed 
 
 Where the fallen rose lies dying. 
 
 Dreamless I sleep in the quiet ground, 
 
 Save when your foot-fall hearing, 
 My heart awakes to the old-loved sound, 
 
 And beats to the step that's nearing.
 
 38 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Bright shone the moon last eve when you came, 
 
 Still dust for dust hath feeling 
 The willow-roots whispered low the name 
 
 Of him who weeps while kneeling. 
 
 The lily-cup holds the falling tears, 
 
 The tears you shed above me; 
 And I know through all these silent years 
 
 There's some one still to love me. 
 
 Oh, softly sigh ; for I hear the sound 
 
 And grieve me o'er your sorrow ; 
 But leave a kiss in the myrtle mound 
 
 I'll give it back tomorrow. 
 
 Whisper me, love, as in moments fled, 
 While I dream your hand mine taketh ; 
 
 For the stone speaks false that says " She's dead ;" 
 " I sleep, but my heart awaketh." 
 
 STEWART. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Bullis sailed with him for Liver- 
 pool the following day, where he intended to take 
 passage for the United States. 
 
 "Abner," said Mr. Bullis, " come, take charge of 
 my business ; I cannot trust Lewis again." 
 
 " Now, Mr. Bullis, give him another trial ; he will 
 be more careful in future. I'll have to bid you and 
 Mrs. Bullis good bye."
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 39 
 
 After leaving Mr. and Mrs. Bullis, Abner hurried 
 to catch the White Star Line steamer for New York. 
 He reached Ismay, Emire & Company's office in 
 time to secure a stateroom. This done, he pro- 
 ceeded at once to the dock, where he shipped for the 
 United States. His heart was sad, but he kept it 
 to himself, for he had by this time learned to hold 
 his own council, and found out there were few 
 people in the world he could trust with his secrets. 
 The bell rang, and away moved the steamer headed 
 for New York, shooting clouds of black smoke high 
 into the heavens. 
 
 Abner looked around to see if he could see some- 
 one he knew ; could not, so he went to his room and 
 when supper was called, he was fast asleep. When 
 he awoke, all sight of land had disappeared, and 
 he was again on the bosom of the mighty deep. 
 When he crossed before, he was too sick to think 
 of any one; now he was too sad to think of any 
 but her whose body he had laid to rest in the bosom 
 of mother earth on the beautiful hillsides of 
 Sweden. 
 
 Half dazed with grief, he wandered over to the 
 register book, and looking over the names, was 
 surprised to find " J. F. Straughan, Dublin," " Wil- 
 liam M. Straughan, Dublin." 
 
 " Two sons of the high and mighty," he mut- 
 tered to himself. " Well, I don't care to meet them, 
 nor do they care for me, I suppose."
 
 40 TOO MUCH BRO1 rfER-IN-LAW. 
 
 First day passed ; second, third, fourth, also fifth, 
 and Abner was ready for each meal quite a con- 
 trast to his last trip. 
 
 " I will go for curiosity, and see how the young- 
 sters are getting on. I wonder if they are sick." 
 
 He hadn't long to wait, for the doctor of the 
 vessel had just come out of their room and was 
 talking to the steward about them. 
 
 " One of them," he said, " is so ill I am afraid 
 he will not be able to leave the vessel when she 
 lands." 
 
 " Poor fellow," said Abner, who did not care to 
 see the sins of the father visited on the children in 
 such a severe manner. 
 
 " Seasickness is the most horrible of all sickness," 
 said Mr. Morely, a fellow passenger. 
 
 " I can indorse that statement," said Abner, with 
 a shrug of his shoulders. " I was sick aH the way, 
 on my last voyage, but I am now a full-fledged sea- 
 dog ; nevertheless, those who are sick have my most 
 sincere sympathy." 
 
 " Fog bells are ringing and we cannot get to dock 
 today," said Abner to a fellow passenger, " if it 
 does not clear up." 
 
 " Oh, young man, I hope you are mistaken, for I 
 am expecting my family to meet me," said Mr. 
 Morely. " I do not care to stay here all night," but 
 fate and fog said stay, and stay they must. 
 
 The following morning was bright and clear, so
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 41 
 
 the vessel came steaming up by Sandy Hook, and 
 soon the passengers were on their way to New 
 York. 
 
 Abner, on walking up Broadway recognized the 
 street Arab who had directed him to the Waldorf 
 Astoria when he first landed. Now he was a pros- 
 perous fruit vendor and a leading ward politician. 
 He and Teddy O'Brien ruled the "Ate " Ward and 
 were for Tammany Hall against the World and its 
 goody goodies. 
 
 Abner L'Estrange was soon back at his desk 
 again, and the world went on as usual. Several 
 months passed and Abner was wondering where 
 the young Straughans got employment. Of course 
 their father gave them his blessing, also a letter of 
 introduction to some of New York city's Four 
 Hundred. 
 
 " That would," said Abner, " aid them in the old 
 world, but merit alone counts here, and that they 
 haven't got, or I am no judge of human nature." 
 
 One morning as Abner was at work, a special 
 delivery boy asked for him. 
 
 " I am he," said Abner. 
 
 " Well, sign here," said the servant of Uncle 
 Sam, pointing to a certain line in his book. When 
 he had signed, he handed him a letter which he 
 opened, and scanning the signature, saw it was from 
 Frederick Bullis, Mabel's only brother. It read as 
 follows :
 
 42 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 "Abner, for God's sake, come at once and see if 
 you cannot do something to get us out. The 
 Bishop's two sons and myself were taken in the 
 Parkhurst raid on the Bowery and they will not 
 let us go, and we have no one to go bail for us. 
 Yours truly, Frederick Bullis." 
 
 " I'll go and see them," said Abner, "but "I will 
 not get my name in the papers, or stain myself with 
 their crimes. When did Fred come over, I 
 wonder ? " 
 
 Abner reached the precinct just as the Captain 
 was going out. 
 
 " Well, L'Estrange, what are you after this morn- 
 ing?" said the Captain dryly. 
 
 " I have a young friend in the toils," said Abner, 
 " and I wish to see if I can get you to let him go." 
 
 The Captain turned and led the way back. When 
 Abner spoke to Bullis, the Captain called to the 
 officer in charge and said : 
 
 " What are the charges against this young man, 
 and who made them ? " 
 
 " The Parkhurst brigade fished him out of a dive 
 on the Bowery this morning at four o'clock, and 
 they will be here tomorrow to prosecute them," said 
 the sergeant. 
 
 " I am sorry, L'Estrange," said the Captain, 
 " that I cannot let them go with you. I would if I 
 could; but I'll tell you what you can do compel 
 me to take them before a magistrate and there'll
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 43 
 
 be no one to prosecute them, and he will let them 
 go." 
 
 "All right, said Abner, " all I want is Fred 
 Bullis ; I am not interested in the other two." 
 
 " L'Estrange," said the Captain, " take him along 
 and I'll go ahead to see the magistrate." 
 
 " Oh, Abner," said Fred, " do not leave the 
 Straughan boys in jail all day and night, take them 
 too. Old boy, don't you remember how I carried 
 your letters to Mabel contrary to mother's orders, 
 and her's back to you. You said then, you would 
 never forget me for it. Now, do this favor for me 
 and we will count it square." 
 
 " Well, square let it be," said Abner, " come on 
 boys. Sergeant, I'll take the three with me," and 
 they all walked out and jumped on the first car, 
 and were soon before the magistrate, who called 
 out in dignified tones : 
 
 " Boys, what have you been doing ? " 
 
 " Seeing the sights," said the sergeant, " and 
 were caught in the Parkhurst net." 
 
 " Well, where are the agents ? " 
 
 " Gone home, I suppose," said the officer, " and 
 will probably be back tomorrow." 
 
 " Boys, you may go," said the Justice, " no one 
 to prosecute you." 
 
 " Thank you," said the boys, all in one voice. 
 
 " I wonder," thought Abner, " if I am heaping 
 coals of fire on the father's head, by this act."
 
 44 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Where are you going, Fred ? " said Abner. 
 
 " I am going home on the next steamer for Liver- 
 pool, and so are the Straughan boys." 
 
 " Well, then, meet me at the office at six o'clock 
 and we will have a Yankee dinner together before 
 you leave." 
 
 " All right," said they, and when six o'clock came 
 they were there. The Straughan boys felt mean, 
 for Fred had just told them how their father forced 
 Abner to leave the British Isles because he would 
 not say a child was regenerated or born again, but 
 Abner said: 
 
 "Am I in the place of God that I should visit the 
 sins of the father on the children? We all have 
 enough of our own to answer for." 
 
 Abner's heart was as large as an ox's and the 
 dinner was all that Delmonico could get up. 
 Mumm's extra dry, and Dublin Stout flowed freely, 
 and it was ten o'clock when the last course was over 
 and the boys sang, " He's a jolly good fellow." 
 
 Next morning they sailed for Liverpool with 
 grateful hearts to Abner, and vowed no one should 
 ever in their presence say Abner L'Estrange was 
 not the prince of good fellows. 
 
 Seven days from they left the dock Abner 
 received a cablegram, "All safe; Fred." 
 
 Abner never again heard from the Bullis or
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 45 
 
 Stratighan families, but he was always thankful 
 he did not visit their father's sins upon them. 
 
 " Come, Abner," said his employer, " I want you 
 to go to Albany and watch the Croker-Platt legis- 
 lation, also the canal leeches. Keep your eye on 
 the Amsterdam Avenue steal ; also the dollar gas 
 bill." 
 
 "All right ; when do you want me to start ? " 
 " Tomorrow morning, on the day boat." 
 Abner was up early, as was always his custom, 
 and was ready to start on time for the capital ol 
 the Empire State. It was his first sail up the 
 beautiful Hudson River, and he enjoyed it. Its 
 peaceful waters were in strong contrast to the 
 mighty and turbulent Atlantic, over whose wavy 
 surface he three times, now, had sailed. About 
 six p.m. he reached Albany and he domiciled at 
 the famous Keeler's Hotel, where not alone is it 
 the best place to get hot food, but hot politics are 
 also dished up there. There, David B. Hill feeds 
 his inner man, as well as directs the Democratic 
 members in the legislature from its 'phone. David 
 prefers this hostlery on account of being the only 
 place where he is safe from the machinations of the 
 female sex, as single gentlemen only are visible 
 everywhere, as well as on the sign. Should the 
 fair sex ever make a raid on David, he will act like 
 Cervera's fleet at Santiago and run away and can
 
 46 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 only be attacked from the rear. I doubt if they 
 can ever land him, except they cut off his retreat to 
 Wol fort's roost. I know this to be a fact, for I have 
 seen old and young ladies trying to get a look at 
 the ex-governor, ex-senator, would-be president, 
 and I am a Democrat. He wheeled on his heel like 
 a school boy's top in order to elude their gaze and 
 save his heart from the would-be plunderers. Wol- 
 fort's Roost is a beautiful place. It was laid out, 
 planned and built by the never-to-be-forgotten 
 Fritz Emmett, the actor whose lullabies were often 
 heard from its walks and shades, as they floated on 
 the air down the valley to the Hudson River. 
 Emmett's body, as well as the late President 
 Arthur's, lie in the beautiful rural cemetery a little 
 way beyond. The knowing ones say that the Hon- 
 orable David B. Hill selected this residence so that he 
 could keep one eye on Senator Murphy, of Troy, 
 and the other orb on Judge D. Cady Herrick, of 
 Albany. It might be, for it is in plain view of both 
 cities and is likewise a silent place for politicians to 
 put up jobs, like the Maynard returns and the 
 defeat of William Jennings Bryan, or of Judge 
 Van Alstyne. 
 
 When Abner started next morning for the legis- 
 lative halls of the Capital, he found a motley crowd 
 had gathered to fight the present labor business 
 trading stamp act. Among them were several labor 
 leaders and some manufacturers who were on their
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 47 
 
 last legs and wanted an excuse to die. Among 
 them, Monroe over-estimated Woolcraft, whose 
 eloquence was closely confined to his stomach. 
 There, thickly coated with gall, it lay dormant, 
 except when it caused this manufacturer to shake 
 as if he had convulsions, or was afflicted with a bad 
 case of worms. Moses W. Dodge, the shoe manu- 
 facturer, was always there and honestly there, for 
 he believed prison competition was working ruin on 
 his business. He showed by statistics and facts the 
 injustice of prison labor with free labor. Next, was 
 George Blair, a laboring man's friend God bless 
 the mark from New York city, and the orator 
 from Troy for revenue only who quietly asked 
 Mr. Dodge if there was any money in it. On being 
 told there wasn't, he had very important business 
 to attend to and was sorry he had to leave them, 
 " But," he added, " Mr. Dodge, I'm with you." 
 
 Abner at first thought the members of the Assem- 
 bly and Senators were honest, but after a while, he 
 found them introducing a bill- one day, and next 
 day lobbying against it. Cries of Lou Payne, the 
 noted lobbyist, were heard on every side, and the 
 hungry ones were like young sparrows in a nest 
 had their mouths open for the long green for their 
 votes on bills, resolutions and investigations. Platt 
 leaders were tearing Croker's representative to 
 pieces ; in their cultured indignation would say : 
 " Was there ever such a scoundrel as the sage from
 
 48 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Wantage ? " and Croker's Tommy Grady would 
 reply, " Yes, the shadow from Tioga county." Tom 
 Platt lived in former years on the banks of a beau- 
 tiful river, where fish and water fowl abound, and 
 in his boyhood days hunted and fished on its waters. 
 Many a time, he followed the wild duck and her 
 young and learned a lesson from her make-believe 
 actions a lesson which he and his followers now 
 practiced with profit. 
 
 This boy, who was then like all boys full of 
 mischief one day hunted the wild duck and her 
 young, and at first he thought the mother's back, 
 legs and wings were broken as she fluttered, seem- 
 ingly helpless, along in the grass. 
 
 " Oh, I'll catch that duck in a minute ; she's 
 badly wounded. See how she cannot fly no, nor 
 even walk," and he sprang after her. Now he was 
 beside her, and as he reached down to lift her up 
 she scrambled a little further on. He again pur- 
 sued her and reached for her, but she again fluttered 
 on and on, until the perspiration rolled off him and 
 he laid down all wet and exhausted on the grass. 
 The duck, seeing now that her offspring were all 
 safely hidden in the rushes and out of danger, shot, 
 as if on magic wings, into the air, dropped a feather 
 to the wily Tom with a squawk, and turning her 
 neck, looked down at the future Senator and, later 
 on, Republican boss and said, " Did you ever get 
 left ! Go way back and sit down ! "
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 49 
 
 If he understood her he did not obey, but walked 
 to where the canvas-back dropped the feather as 
 she flew, thinking to carry it home and show his 
 mother how near he was to game that day, but 
 when he got there, he did not care for the feather ; 
 so, with rapid strides, he made for home, vowing 
 vengeance on all the pinioned creatures of the air, 
 land and water. 
 
 " Wait," he said to himself, " until my Legis- 
 lature meets, and I'll rush a bill through both houses 
 which will square you and I. You can laugh today, 
 but my gun will soon laugh at you. If I cannot 
 get a bill through on the game laws, I'll saddle a 
 rider on to my State Constabulary which will end 
 you." 
 
 Like the Constabulary Bill, his game bill never 
 materialized. It was smothered in committee and 
 the duck still swims on the lake in peace. 
 
 The lesson he learned was a hard one, con- 
 sequently, never was forgotten. In later years, he 
 pursued larger game presidents, vice-presidents, 
 governors, lieutenant-governors, judges, senators, 
 assemblymen and ward heelers, all had their 
 feathers taken out if they ever pulled off the rubber 
 band from across their wings. He never uses a 
 collar on his serfs just pulls out the quill feathers 
 if they ever violate any of his orders, which he 
 always considers ex-cathedra. He often repeats 
 to himself with swollen chest :
 
 50 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " By me presidents and governors rule and judges 
 do decree justice. I am he that said to Conklin, 
 ' Me too.' I am he that said to Governor Black, 
 ' You are weighed in the balance and found want- 
 ing.' I am he that said to Governor Cornell, ' I 
 won't have you at any cost; step down and out.' 
 I am he with my bow and arrow that slew James G. 
 Elaine. I am he that made Cleveland, and after- 
 wards gave him a ticket-of-leave. I am he that 
 created and guided the Republican cyclone that 
 buried bachelor David. I am he that put Billy 
 Barnes in power in Albany County, and he holds 
 well his trust. I am he who was so often killed, but 
 it alive again. I am he that resigns in June, hangs 
 on in December, blooms out at Spring elections and 
 gathers the fruit in the Fall. I am he that does not 
 care on what platform I gather in the golden eagle, 
 or how it comes to me by express or through a 
 security company. I act sometimes like St. Paul, 
 'All things to all men' that's before election ; but I 
 am like Mike McCarthy, sometimes, after election, 
 who, in his speech, said : ' Jintlemin, I kissed your 
 feet, regardless of odor, before iliction; you may 
 kiss mine now until next iliction.' Tom Platt, 
 however, rarely ever makes a promise but he keeps, 
 nor a threat but he executes; and herein lieth the 
 secret of his tremendous power, and it is gaining in 
 strength, instead of waning, as some try to make
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 51 
 
 themselves believe who wish for selfish reasons to 
 see him fall." 
 
 This passage of words, though, was just to keep 
 the eye of the public off the Platt-Crocker com- 
 bination and it served its purpose. Until recently, 
 Justice Jerome sent his fiery dart into the joints of 
 their armor, dividing asunder two great leaders 
 of that unholy alliance. Abner now could see where 
 Platt practiced the make-believe tactics learned 
 from the wild duck in his youth, for when a cry 
 was raised and the people were about to go for him 
 and his followers, he would feign all his power 
 was gone and that his friends were all turned 
 against him. Like the dissembling wild duck, he 
 would pretend debility and prostration, and for the 
 time being, would give up all and his enemies would 
 reach for his scalp with joy. He would scramble 
 on and on, however, until all his offspring were hid 
 and their tracks covered ; then, like the wild duck, 
 the opportune moment came and he would show his 
 power, make his own peculiar noise, perfectly 
 understood by his followers, and in a short time, all 
 the family were happy together again. The storm 
 had passed, the people's eyes were turned from the 
 real object of their fury, and the wolf and the lamb 
 once more lay down together. Resignations, inves- 
 tigations, condemnations, and everything but nom- 
 inations, were forgotten, and the wily but truthful 
 Tom was on the box again and the Republican
 
 52 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 machine was in good working order with a first- 
 class coachman for whip. The assaults made on 
 the leaders of both parties by the Opposition, may 
 have hoodwinked and blindfolded others, but 
 Abner's vision was then clear and he could see, like 
 Johnny Murphy of old, bad on both sides. The 
 Raines law slipped through unnoticed by the public, 
 and Croker and Platt had the big game between 
 them, so they decided to divide the territory. All 
 bonds below Harlem Bridge were to be issued by 
 Crocker Company, and all above by Tom Platt's 
 Company, so what Dick hadn't, Tom had. 
 
 Abner got disgusted watching the movements of 
 Senators, wire pullers and lobbyists who looked to 
 him like the Irishman's flea, " Now you have them 
 and now you haven't." He sought an opportunity 
 to go into business, which he soon found, and in a 
 little while, he was well established and had un- 
 limited credit with manufacturers and banks. His 
 business increased daily under his ever-watchful 
 eye, and thoughts of failure for him were never even 
 dreamed of. 
 
 " I shall move from this street and give all my 
 attention to my own business, he was heard to say, 
 and he did. 
 
 One day, as he was on his tour squaring up his 
 accounts, he met her who, one year after, became 
 his wife. 
 
 She was tall, of a kind disposition and made a
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 53 
 
 most faithful wife, until influenced against him by 
 her brother Barney, or " By." 
 
 " By " was one of those individuals whom nature 
 puts on the world for spite; he was small, round- 
 shouldered, stooped and bow-legged. His gait gave 
 him a monopoly on that kind of carriage. He 
 walked along with one shoulder higher than the 
 other, and instead of faced front, he put his shoulder 
 to the wind, which, to say the least, gave him a 
 grotesque appearance. His feet were fastened like 
 water- fowls' wide to the toes; and his face 
 resembled a yellow globe turnip which the chickens 
 had picked. In complexion, he closely resembled 
 the corncob. His nose was neither Grecian, Dutch, 
 nor Roman, but looked like a piece of daub which 
 a schoolboy had thrown at him and it stuck there. 
 He, several years before, left his name on the police 
 blotter for a crime of the lowest grade. The defense 
 he offered was even more diabolical than the crime, 
 and people who knew his partners in business, 
 would exclaim : 
 
 " Why don't they put that little monster out ? " 
 And they did. He found his way to a Western 
 city, but he had a hard road to hoe, for like the 
 Upas tree, his presence blasted everything his 
 shadow fell on. Like Cain, the mark of the beast 
 was on his forehead, but, like the serpent, his 
 machiavelian nature caught a mate, and woe to her. 
 She was like St. Paul, "Had to die daily."
 
 54 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Starvation constantly stared her in the face, while 
 it was no uncommon thing for the angels of the 
 town to call on her for their cuff buttons which her 
 licentious husband put in his pocket the night 
 before. Such treatment and shame soon compelled 
 her womanly nature to rebel, and she sought relief 
 from the court; and now, she blesses the stars in 
 her zenith that she is no more associated with the 
 monster who, like Bonner, makes a pastime of 
 inflicting misery on his fellow creatures. She is 
 off, but another victim to his charms is hoodwinked 
 and ruined. She falls a prey to his lust, and then 
 he sinks to his lowest depth, puts her up to place 
 the blame on a respectable physician in the North- 
 west, who is father of a family. 
 
 " Go," said this unprincipled lump of animated 
 mud, to her, one day, " demand that he give you 
 medical aid and five hundred in cash, and bring 
 me back two hundred and fifty of it for my share." 
 
 She obeyed, and two days afterwards gave him 
 the amount. 
 
 " That is right," he said, clapping her on the 
 back, as he walked over the street to the opposite 
 side. 
 
 Next he showed up in New York and there he 
 followed his villainous deeds. Another victim to 
 his pretentions and wiles is in the Mohawk Valley. 
 If blood this coward dared not shed, blood he
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 55 
 
 bled severely, having, like a Western cyclone, 
 caused ruin in his wake. 
 
 He, one morning, put his unwelcome nose 
 bless the mark into Abner's home. His sister fed 
 and clothed him. Scarce was he seated when he 
 commenced his infamous, underhanded work. The 
 home which heretofore knew no disputes, was 
 almost rent assunder. Not daring to carry his 
 nefarious deals any further at Abner's home, he 
 persuaded his sister to meet him in New York, 
 where they completed their plans for Abner's ruin. 
 He was to supply the brains and she the money. 
 
 He soon pretended that he was carrying on a big 
 business, and had a lot of goods on hand. 
 
 " Money, money," was his cry in every mail. 
 " I'll soon have enough to run the business." 
 
 She, knowing him of old, had some doubts of his 
 honesty, so she said to Abner : 
 
 " I'll go to New York city with Margaret and 
 see what ' By ' is at." 
 
 Well, " By " was at his old tricks, and she 
 couldn't find " By,", goods, or the money ; so she 
 wrote Abner. It was good bye to " By " and cash, 
 and returning home she said that was the last time 
 she would be swindled by him. 
 
 But it was not; he would do it again and again. 
 His kind-hearted and noble sister in the West, who 
 had fed and clothed him for many years, now was 
 tired of him, and someone had to feed this good-
 
 56 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 for-nothing ; for things of that kind are like cripples 
 and bastards they never die. Like the serpent in 
 the Garden of Eden, and like the thistle in the field, 
 they are sent for a purpose; but like rats, mice, 
 fleas and bed-bugs, we poor mortals have to stand 
 their bites and stings and can see no good in them. 
 
 Days rolled on. This fiend incarnate lived in 
 luxury on what he had stolen from Abner and his 
 sister. No more was heard of him, until his sister 
 left Abner in the West, to put in her claim against 
 Abner's estate, which was now in the trustee's 
 hands. Abner had put his money into the Carson 
 River Alining Company, and like others, lost all. 
 His failure brought on a severe illness and he could 
 not attend to his business any more. 
 
 Inquiries came, but to all she was directed by 
 " By " to answer : 
 
 " He is not mentally, morally, or financially able 
 to attend to your bill ; put in your claim." 
 
 Days passed and came, but no word from her to 
 Abner for three weeks. He was sick and alone. 
 He would write to her daily, but no reply, for 
 " By " and his sister now were making preparations 
 to rob him, if any was left after the creditors were 
 satisfied. 
 
 One day he got a letter unsigned : 
 
 " Send all cash, notes and papers to me, and we 
 will settle for you." 
 
 And he did, and for six months after, he did not
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 57 
 
 hear from them. She, now seeing his poverty and 
 broken health, resolved to keep what she had and 
 get rid of him. He was nervous and irritable, and 
 she thought she could work him up to a point 
 where she could make out he was insane and have 
 him incarcerated as a lunatic in some asylum. 
 
 Abner, not hearing from her, worried himself 
 sick, and for days he rolled in bed alone on Pied- 
 mont Heights, no one to cheer or comfort him. 
 But he thought not of himself, but of her whom he 
 mourned as sick in New York. Doctor Thaur, 
 when he heard of his illness, came to him and did 
 all that could be done for him. He recovered at 
 last and resolved to go East. 
 
 It grieved him sorely to break up his little home 
 in this beautiful spot, which nature and man had 
 made. Piedmont is the most healthy and beautiful 
 spot on earth. It is about three miles from Oak- 
 land, and reached by the Oakland electric cars. A 
 syndicate has purchased almost all the land and are 
 beautifying it all the time. Piedmont has a beau- 
 tiful park and club house. The park is the finest 
 in Alameda County. It is tastefully and artistically 
 laid out, with walks under shade trees, along run- 
 ning brooks. Its entrance is one mass of plants 
 and shrubs, all kept in the finest order. Nature did 
 a lot for Piedmont. Her sulphur and pure spring 
 water are a blessing. Man, also, has treated her 
 kindly and helped her very much on the road to
 
 58 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 perfection. In a few years it will be a perfect spot. 
 The people in Piedmont are kindness personified, 
 and the stranger who comes within their gates will 
 surely regret leaving them. 
 
 When Abner told them he was going East they 
 loaded him down with good things to eat on the 
 way, among them, a rooster and some boiled eggs, 
 with a good bottle of wine to wash it down. Mr. 
 M. T. House and his kind-hearted, as well as 
 beautiful wife, contributed these towards his com- 
 fort from the most noble as well as kindly motives, 
 but it was very near getting Abner into trouble. 
 
 Scarce had he boarded the train, when a smoked 
 Irishman called to him : 
 
 " What have you in the bundle ? " 
 
 "A fine rooster and some nice eggs," was Abner's 
 innocent reply. 
 
 " Take them to the baggage car," said the dusky 
 son of Africa. 
 
 Abner did not relish the suggestion and said: 
 
 " Not by a d n sight. I would not trust the 
 baggage man with such a precious morsel ; I'll keep 
 them where I can keep my eye on them." 
 
 " I'll see whether you will or not," said the hire- 
 ling of the Southern Pacific monopoly. 
 
 Abner now felt like the fox in the fable. He 
 feared they would take his rooster and eggs away 
 from him, also his wine, so he made ready for the 
 fray. He had not long to wait, for into the car
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 59 
 
 with stately step came the conductor, and with the 
 strut of a turkey gobbler, he advanced towards 
 Abner and his rooster. 
 
 " I am C. P. Huntington," was plainly visible on 
 his face, or, I should have said, he had as much 
 luggs on as if he were president of the road. He 
 was closely followed by the special conductor and 
 three brakemen, one kitchen walloper and two 
 attendants out of the feed car. He evidently 
 anticipated trouble and thought he would not come 
 single handed. 
 
 " Take that rooster out of this passenger car," 
 he said, in anything but a prayer-meeting voice. 
 " This is not a cattle car ; or, if you don't, I'll have 
 it removed." 
 
 Abner, who was anything but an infant, squared 
 himself up to over six feet tall, with forty-eight 
 inches chest, and said in a mild and gentlemanly 
 voice : 
 
 "If any man lays hands on me or my rooster, 
 the rooster will not be the only corpse in the car." 
 
 This lord of all creation turned on his heel, fol- 
 lowed by his understrappers, and amidst the jeers of 
 the passengers, walked out of the car. All but the 
 poor rooster enjoyed the humiliating spectacle the 
 gentleman with the brass buttons presented as he 
 led his gang of dumb tools out of view of the pas- 
 sengers, who were now screaming with laughter, 
 and saying, " Go way back and sit down."
 
 60 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 The train moved out of Oakland amidst trees, 
 shrubs and plants in full bloom, and wheat fields 
 twelve inches high, to rush, before noon the same 
 day, into a snow bank on the Sierra Nevada mount- 
 ain range. We travelled under snowsheds, where 
 the blackest night is midday compared with the 
 darkness that prevails under those roofed valleys in 
 the mountains. Once more in the light, we were 
 flying around rocks, over canyons miles deep. The 
 Rocky Mountains lay in the distance covered with 
 the emblem of spotless purity beautiful snow 
 making them look to the observer like huge animals 
 asleep with white counterpane covers on them, 
 while the sun shone on them, making water run 
 down their sides like perspiration off a .beast of 
 burden under African sun. " Grand," " awe- 
 inspiring," were heard from the passengers on 
 every side. 
 
 Amidst all these grandeurs and changes of 
 scenery the passengers grew hungry and com- 
 menced to inquire for the dining car. We left it 
 at Sacramento; will take one on at Denver again. 
 The rooster was now all gone, for Abner had 
 divided it up with his neighbors, and " Many hands 
 made light work." Abner was now indeed hungry. 
 
 " Ten minutes for refreshments," sang out the 
 copper-colored son of Ham, at the next station. 
 
 Just as his melodious voice died on the mountain 
 air, a roar like near-by thunder sent the cold chills
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 61 
 
 down the spinal columns of the passengers, and 
 down from the mountain tops rolled a massive rock 
 which fell within a few rods of the flying engine. 
 The ever watchful pilot of the iron horse realized 
 his danger at once, sent a loud, shrill whistle down 
 the valleys for help, applied the brakes with 
 alacrity, which caused the cars to bump, bump, and 
 almost jump the track into the river below. Women 
 fainting, children squalling, and in a few minutes, 
 workingmen over the cars were crawling. 
 
 "All excitement," said Pat. " We're anchored 
 for a day and a ' nite ' anyway," said the uncon- 
 soling son of the Isle of bogs and blarney. 
 
 The passengers were now all in earnest prayer, 
 among them, Abner, whose prayer was that the 
 rooster might come back to him. 
 
 Pat walked up and down the car, muttering to 
 himself, "I'll be late for me job; some other son 
 of a gun will get it before I get there." 
 
 " Why don't you pray, Pat," said a clerical-look- 
 ing individual, whose collar resembled a tub hoop. 
 
 "I'd rather have a few pounds of dynamite at 
 that rock than all the prayers in Chrystendom," 
 said Pat, as he secreted the little end of a tobacco 
 cake in his mouth and commenced to ruminate on 
 it. 
 
 After three hours a tender came with dynamite 
 and the rock was blown to pieces and thrown into 
 the river below.
 
 62 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 "All aboard," said the trainmen, and we were 
 on our way around the mountain foot, over immense 
 prairies, heading for the long-looked- for " Ten 
 minutes for refreshment " establishment, which we 
 reached at last. 
 
 The passengers rushed out of the car and went 
 straight to the dining-room door, where plainly 
 could be seen, " Pay as you go in." 
 
 " Fifty cents, please," said the man with his face 
 in a muff, who stood at the gate to see you give up 
 your money before you enter. 
 
 Just as the last passenger entered and had paid 
 her half dollar, the conductor sang out, "All 
 aboard," and " all aboard " it was. 
 
 Abner, seeing the trick, stood upon a high chair 
 and in stentorian tones, said: 
 
 " Fellow passengers : we haven't strength enough 
 to hold the train. I move we take all in sight with 
 us, except that whiskered old varmint at the door." 
 
 As if inspired, every man grabbed the food in 
 front of him, rushed for the door and got safely 
 aboard. 
 
 The conductor came along and said all would be 
 arrested at next station. 
 
 " Well, let it be so," said Abner. " I move, fellow 
 passengers, that we club in here, hire a lawyer and 
 have this conductor and the restaurant keeper 
 indicted and punished for conspiracy." 
 
 " Be jabers," said Pat, " Mister, I am a poor
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 63 
 
 working man, but I'll give you ten dollars to punish 
 the swindlers." 
 
 Soon, two hundred was pledged, but was not 
 needed. The conductor read the handwriting on the 
 wall and noi arrests were made. 
 
 Now, we were gliding over plain, prairie and 
 crag, and soon would reach Denver. Our most 
 substantial food for many hours was hope, sand- 
 wiched by swearing at the ticket agents in San 
 Francisco, who sold us tickets and guaranteed a 
 dining car all the way. 
 
 Denver, at last, was reached, and all got out for 
 a walk and square meal. When they got on board 
 again, they were like the camels in the desert of old, 
 loaded with good things to eat meat, fruit and 
 bread, with a little mountain dew from Kentucky, 
 and the mingled souls of wheat and corn from Mil- 
 waukee. But all this preparation was not needed, 
 for the dining car was put on and not taken off 
 again until we reached Chicago; or if it was, 
 another was put on. 
 
 We reached Chicago about six p.m., and Abner 
 put up at the Grand Pacific for the night. In the 
 morning he intended to make a short call on his 
 cousin who lived at No. 6036 Monroe Avenue. 
 That night Abner did not sleep, and when morning 
 came, instead of waiting to see his relatives, he 
 took the first train for New York, and was met at 
 the depot by his brother-in-law.
 
 64 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 When he asked how his wife was, he was told 
 she was sick at a boarding-house about two miles 
 out, and that he could not see her that night. 
 Abner had been given to understand that his wife 
 was dangerously ill and that was the reason she 
 could not answer his letters, but the morning 
 dawned and all the fog was driven away. 
 
 Delilah, Abner 's wife, was not sick, but was up in 
 Albany putting up a, job with Abner's creditor's to 
 ruin him for life. This weak-minded, foolish and 
 deceitful woman was working, as she herself said, 
 under orders from her brother " By." She, who at 
 the altar had sworn to love Abner, was now playing 
 the part of her illustrious namesake who betrayed 
 Samson. " By." telegraphed her that Abner was 
 here and for her to come. She came, and the trai- 
 torous look was indelibly written on her face. Cold 
 as a marble figure, she said to Abner: 
 
 " What made you come East ? We could get 
 along without you very well." 
 
 That was true, so they could, if they could only 
 get money enough, for now she was transformed 
 by her brother into "a wife for what I can get out 
 of my husband to keep brother ' By.' and myself." 
 
 The fountain of her love for Abner had been 
 choked up by her brother's lies and treachery. She 
 hated him with all her soul, and daily wished him 
 dead, and so expressed herself to him. Heartless 
 is no name for her treatment of him. In order to
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 65 
 
 carry out her brother's scheme, she told the neigh- 
 bors she twice saved him from self-destruction, but 
 Jaspar, a youth of sixteen summers, exclaimed : 
 
 " How could you do that ? Mr. L'Estrange is a 
 powerful man, and you are a weak and feeble 
 woman." 
 
 " Well, I did it, Jaspar." 
 
 But it did not go down, for Jaspar was one of 
 those who were on to the schemes and condemned 
 them. He heard herself and brother plot against 
 the innocent husband's life plots that make the 
 Rye House pale into insignificance, but Abner knew 
 of them beforehand and they were all cut in the 
 bud, for this Guy Fawkes was caught in all his 
 schemes and she was now beginning to look on him 
 with suspicion again. 
 
 So one day she followed him into his office and 
 found, while she was paying his board with the 
 cash that she had taken from her husband, he was 
 keeping a typewriter for business known to all in 
 the building. 
 
 Mad as a March hare she left him and promised 
 she would no longer steal money from her husband 
 to pay Mrs. Oliver Cromwell her immoral 
 brother's board. Had she the backbone to do 
 right? Well, no; for next week Abner caught her 
 paying his board again. This, in his poverty, made 
 him angry, and he forbade her, and she promised 
 not to do it again; but she did.
 
 66 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 They now saw they could not rob Abner by 
 inches, so determined to take all from him and 
 leave him. Jaspar Cromwell told Abner that they 
 were putting up a job, they and a widow lady with 
 her husband alive, to live in a house where Abner 
 knew not, and they were to go tomorrow, three of 
 them, to look for it. Abner, knowing this, asked 
 Delilah where she was going, and she answered : 
 
 " I am going with a lady up stairs on her busi- 
 ness." 
 
 " Cannot I go along? " 
 
 " We are going on special business for the lady 
 up stairs, and you cannot come." 
 
 " Well, your brother is going," Abner said. 
 
 " No, he's not ; no one but us two." 
 
 Now Abner knew she was telling an untruth, for 
 Jaspar in whom he had implicit confidence told 
 him the three were going. So, to catch her in the 
 lie, Abner started out after them and he waited until 
 " By." had purchased three tickets, and then came 
 on the scene, much to her chagrin, and in her usual 
 temper, when caught, she said, " He got three 
 tickets for ten cents, through mistake, from the 
 ticket agent. I told you only two were going." 
 
 Abner's confidence was fast giving way, and he 
 now could see his wife in her true colors. She 
 was selfish, unreliable, unprincipled, as well as dis- 
 honest to him, and he now knew it, and he watched
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 67 
 
 every move she or her good-for-nothing brother 
 made. 
 
 It was Abner's custom to go out early for a walk 
 and get back when Mrs. Cromwell had breakfast 
 ready. One morning, Jaspar suggested that Abner 
 listen on the stairs and he would hear their plot 
 when they thought he was gone out. He had not 
 long to wait, for " By." called to Delilah, asking if 
 she were awake. 
 
 " I am." 
 
 "Is Abner there?" 
 
 " No, he's gone out for a walk. I hope some- 
 thing may happen the lunatic before he gets back." 
 
 " Well, Delilah, I have thought of a scheme, and 
 I am sure if it is properly carried out, it will end 
 him." 
 
 " Poison him, I suppose ? " 
 
 " Oh, no, I would not do that ; we'd get caught." 
 
 " Nothing will be done to him to Injure him," 
 she said ; " he is sick and ought to be cared for 
 by his own people. I asked him yesterday why he 
 didn't go to his own sister, and he answered, ' I 
 will, if you don't care for me any longer, go to my 
 cousin's in Washington and they will take care of 
 me.' I hate them, and I will not let them have him, 
 for they might make me give up what I stole from 
 him. I cannot get any more out of him, so I will 
 not care for him any longer. I never did love him,
 
 68 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 but just married him because our brother was so 
 mean to me." 
 
 " Now, sister," said " By." with his old-time 
 love (?) " my scheme is this : I was talking to 
 our friend, Dr. Schorharie, and if we pay him he 
 will see he is put into a lunatic asylum. Now, it is 
 better for us to give the doctor a nice sum than have 
 to give him up all if he settles with his creditors. I 
 will also see some of those who owe him and make 
 them liberal propositions to swear he is insane. 
 They will do it. There is C. H., R. R. and A., any 
 one of them will be glad to swear his liberty away 
 for a reduction in their bills." 
 
 He counted without his host, for while they had 
 some difference with Abner, they would not injure 
 him for anything. 
 
 " Now," he continued, " I do not know of any 
 better way than for you to provoke him so he will 
 strike you, and I will then have him arrested as a 
 dangerous lunatic, and you will be rid of him." 
 
 " Oh, he will not strike me." 
 
 " You strike him, and spit in his face and see if 
 he does not." 
 
 " I cannot do that ; he always was so kind and 
 good to me ; I cannot do it." 
 
 " You must," he said, and stamped his foot on the 
 floor ; " I insist upon it." 
 
 Abner shut his teeth hard, and nothing would 
 have given him more true delight than to go in and
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 69 
 
 end the career of this inhuman demon; but like 
 Topsy, for the present he lay low for a more con- 
 venient season. 
 
 That day about ten a.m. she slapped her hus- 
 band's face and spit upon him, but he knew it wasn't 
 she who did it, but her brother, for she was abso- 
 lutely under his control. 
 
 Abner only laughed and said : 
 
 " I heard him tell you to do that. I will not hold 
 you responsible for it." 
 
 She then became hysterical and worked herself up 
 to a frenzy. After she cooled down, Abner said 
 to his wife: 
 
 " I want some money to go to Albany." 
 
 " I can give you no money, I haven't any." 
 
 He then took his watch that he had carried for 
 twenty years and put it in the pawn shop for twenty 
 dollars, and went to Albany to find " By." there, 
 going around industriously circulating that Abner 
 was insane, and their friend, " for revenue only," 
 Dr. Schoharie, could not decide until he found out 
 who would give him the most money. 
 
 Abner also cut this scheme in the bud by getting 
 a certificate from an expert on mental diseases, but 
 " By." had already pledged his honor that Dr. Scho- 
 harie would be paid. 
 
 By the way, his honor when well pledged, must 
 have somewhat the same odor as limburger cheese. 
 
 " By." called at the various friends and enemies
 
 70 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 of Abner during the day, but did not find much 
 consolation or encouragement. 
 
 Night came, and Abner got back to his wife to 
 find she had instructions to leave him, but she had 
 not, as yet, obeyed, but had formulated a scheme 
 to get rid of Abner so she could get away without 
 any unpleasantness. Abner knew it all, but could 
 not prevent it. He coaxed and entreated his wife 
 not to leave him, when he was poor in health and 
 pocket, but selfishness carried the day and he was 
 left like the man who traveled into a far country 
 and fell among thieves, penniless, friendless and 
 alone. She, to whom he never denied anything, 
 now that he was poor, sickly and miserable, left him 
 to his fate. She, whom he watched over during 
 her illness, now preferred her brother's company to 
 his. She, who in the scorching summer months, 
 could bask in the ocean breeze on the New Hamp- 
 shire coast, while Abner poured out his sweat at 
 home in business, now wished only for the death of 
 her husband and benefactor. 
 
 Abner, in these moments, would exclaim : " Oh, 
 cruel fate, curst be the day you guided my feet to 
 her home." 
 
 Backward, turn backward, O Time in your flight, 
 Make me a child again just for tonight ; 
 Mother, come back from the echoless shore, 
 Take me again to your heart, as of yore ;
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 71 
 
 Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care, 
 Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair; 
 Over my slumbers your loving watch keep, 
 Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep. 
 
 Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years, 
 
 I am so weary of toil and of tears, 
 
 Toil without recompense, tears all in vain, 
 
 Take them, and give me my childhood again. 
 
 I have grown weary of dust and decay ; 
 
 Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away ; 
 
 Weary of sowing for others to reap ; 
 
 Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep. 
 
 Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue, 
 Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you. 
 Many a summer the grass has grown green, 
 Blossom'd and faded, our faces between; 
 Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain, 
 Long I tonight for your presence again. 
 Come from the silence! so long and so deep, 
 Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep. 
 
 E. A. ALLEN. 
 
 " By." had made arrangements with the com- 
 mercial agencies in Boston to get the books, conse- 
 quently he came to Albany to look them over a 
 privilege which was denied him when he got there. 
 He went to the referee for an order on the trustee, 
 and when order was served on a trustee, he tele-
 
 72 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 phoned counsel, who instructed him to throw Wool- 
 craft out of the window if he dared look at the 
 books. Woolcraft did not care so long as he was 
 getting twenty dollars from his sister for expenses 
 and it only cost him eight. He was now so used 
 to being kicked that his hide was as thick as that 
 on his long-eared relation, so he went back to New 
 York, told his sister he had done miracles, accom- 
 plished wonders, and that Abner was hated, while 
 every one respected him and sympathized with her. 
 
 The workmen were moving quickly down the 
 streets of Jersey City, as " By." called to Delilah 
 to tell her he had another scheme on hand one 
 that he knew would sink Abner so deep he never 
 could get his name back. 
 
 " What is it," she asked. 
 
 " Well, while he is sick, let us steal his trunk, 
 books and papers and all else that is in it, hide 
 them where he cannot get them. You know I have 
 the storage receipt and I can have it removed to 
 any place we think best." 
 
 Delilah's secret conscience quailed at this injus- 
 tice to a man struggling against death and adver- 
 sity, and she said : 
 
 " Oh, no, don't do that ; that is too cruel for even 
 a Woolcraft." 
 
 " Well, it will be done." 
 
 " Well, what good will that do us ? " 
 
 " Why, keep him from getting the settlement with
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 73 
 
 the creditors ratified by the court, and then he can- 
 not collect what we owe him or what we stole from 
 him. Understand?" 
 
 " But, ' By./ the poor fellow is sick and we had 
 better not do it ; it is not right to take advantage of 
 him while he is so weak. I sometimes think that I 
 ought to send for his cousin to come and take care 
 of him. God may punish us for it later on." 
 
 " By." got angry at this and said : 
 
 " Well, look at how G. A. Woolcraft robbed his 
 brother Mortimer, and God never punished him; 
 he died worth millions." 
 
 " How do you know he didn't ? How do you 
 know but his life was a living hell, and his death a 
 jump into eternal darkness, gloom and despair? 
 And suppose he did escape punishment on this 
 earth, look how he will feel on the Judgment morn 
 when he looks on his brother whom he wronged so 
 grievously, and look at those who inherit his wealth, 
 and look at those who joined them and all that has 
 befallen them." 
 
 " C. B. Woolcraft, the son of the man who took 
 Mortimer's place, was suddenly sent into eternity 
 while oiling his stock preparing it for quick sale. 
 His death, you might look upon as a Godsend, for 
 it saved the State the ignominy of sending by wire 
 a current to dispatch him." 
 
 " You also know, that scarce had Frank been 
 to Miss Slater a month before she lost one
 
 74 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 of her eyes, and it was looked upon then, and now 
 is, as an omen sent from God to her not to make 
 that unholy alliance. ' Come out from among them 
 and be not partaker of their sins, for I will cut off 
 from the house of Woolcraft, all the male children 
 like I did in the days of Jereboam, the son of 
 Nebat.' " 
 
 " Well, Delilah, your argument doesn't strike us ; 
 we have nothing to fear in that line, for all our fam- 
 ily are like a desert, consequently, God cannot visit 
 our sins upon them." 
 
 " Yes, but even then, we are not all dead yet ; we 
 may yet be punished, and if we are not in this world 
 if we keep on doing wrong we surely will be in 
 the next." 
 
 " Is it not written," he said, " The wicked prosper 
 like a green bay tree ? " 
 
 " Yes, ' By.,' and it is also written that ' the ser- 
 vant of the prophet was well and clean, and in one 
 moment he was changed to a leper as white as 
 snow. ' By.,' please, do not do any more against 
 him, for he is so sick, lonely and sad, my heart 
 aches for him." 
 
 " I told you I would do it, and no use in you talk 
 ing, it will be done," so he left her and came to his 
 lawyer's office an unprincipled will-o'-the-wisp 
 from the Northwest and laid the plan before him. 
 He, of course, said, " Capital thing ; great mind,
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 75 
 
 Woolcraft," for this creature was in it for what he 
 could get out of them. 
 
 " Where is the one hundred and fifty dollars you 
 agreed to give me Saturday ? " 
 
 " This is only Tuesday, man," said " By." with a 
 smile. 
 
 " Oh," said the recent annex to New York State 
 bar, " you meant next Saturday, did you ? Well, 
 next Saturday will do, my good fellow." And it is 
 next Saturday every week since, and will until the 
 millenium comes again, for " By." never paid any 
 one; at least, so said Sam Blood from the Dutch 
 capital and several others. Now the lawyer called 
 his stenographer and dictated the following letter: 
 To United States Referee: 
 
 DEAR SIR : I ask you to deny a ratification of the 
 compromise agreement between Abner L'Esi range 
 and his creditors, on the ground that he has not 
 complied with the statute, in that he has secreted 
 in the City of New York, his trunk, books and 
 papers, in order to hinder, delay and defraud his 
 creditors, i Yours respectfully, 
 
 F. A. DARWIN, the missing link or attorney for 
 the dead man's claim." 
 
 " This is done. Now, Woolcraft, are you sure 
 you have the books and trunk secreted where they 
 will not get it? He will fight us hard, you know, 
 and if he should get well he will surely look around 
 and try and find them, and if we are caught with
 
 76 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 them it would mean two years' board and room for 
 both of us." 
 
 "Well," said Woodcraft, I'll tell you how I 
 got them; I got my sister, Delilah, to work on his 
 feelings so that she could get the storage receipt for 
 them from him, and she did, and I sent a man for 
 the trunk, and he left it on a certain corner. Then 
 I telephoned to another expressman and he put it 
 in another storehouse and they are there, and I defy 
 him in his present physical condition to trace them." 
 
 " Well, if we can keep them out of his reach we 
 will beat him, if he doesn't pay us well to give them 
 up. How would it be to strike him now for all he 
 can scrape ? Let us go to Albany tomorrow ; get 
 fifty dollars from his wife to pay our expenses 
 while we skin her husband." 
 
 " Agreed," said " By." " He is sick and weak 
 and you would frighten him into it. Good day ; 
 will call in time to catch the boat for Albany to- 
 morrow. So long." 
 
 Now he went to his office and got a story up to 
 tell Delilah so as to get the fifty dollars for expenses, 
 for it was her nature to cling on to the cartwheel 
 until the eagle screamed on it. The story now 
 ready like his first parent, the serpent in the gar- 
 den of Eden, he strangled the truth. 
 
 When he entered the boarding-house that night, 
 she came to meet him and asked if there was any- 
 thing new from Abner.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 77 
 
 " No, only that he has another woman on the 
 string, just as I told you." 
 
 " Who is it ? " she said, impatiently. 
 
 " Well, I don't want to mix up in your dirty 
 scrape ; I won't give her name. I tell you, Delilah, 
 he is a scoundrel, and we must take what he has and 
 get clear of him. Now, I have to meet a man on a 
 southern water deal tomorrow in which I am inter- 
 ested a half a million dollars, and next day no 
 matter what comes I am going to Albany and have 
 it out with that rascal. I am going to take Frank, 
 the lawyer, along, and we will squeeze him, sure. 
 You must let us have fifty dollars to pay our 
 expenses, and when I turn all Florida which I own 
 (in my mind) into cash, I'll let you have all you 
 want." 
 
 She parted with the fifty dollars and he chuckled 
 with delight, as he now was' sure of another week's 
 food. 
 
 Next night this unprincipled, double-dyed black- 
 mailer and his attorney were on their way to 
 Albany, desecrating the beautiful Hudson river with 
 their contaminating presence. They telegraphed 
 Abner, care of the Blacksmith's Blow Organ, to 
 meet them, which he did, and they made him the 
 following proposition : 
 
 "If you and your friends can raise five thousand 
 dollars for Frank and I, we will withdraw that 
 claim of nineteen dollars and fifty cents we brought
 
 78 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 against you, then you will not be compelled to go 
 through bankruptcy, as you have already settled 
 with the rest of the creditors. If you do not do 
 this, we will do everything in our power to injure 
 you. We will go to the district attorney and tell 
 him you have your books secreted in the City of 
 New York and compel him to prosecute you." 
 
 " Why, you and the trustee have all the books 
 and trunk, also the papers in the case; I haven't 
 anything," said Abner, " and as far as you prose- 
 cuting me, I defy you or your colleagues. I am 
 innocent of any crime, except the crime of being sick 
 when health is needed, to defend myself against the 
 ravenous wolves which beset me on every side. 
 Again, I say, I defy you and all on earth. I have 
 given my all and I will add to it, my lifeblood, if 
 necessary, in defence of my honor and reputation, 
 but not one cent to you, you dirty-nosed son of the 
 Mohawk Valley, or to your blackhearted lawyer 
 from the woolly west." 
 
 " Well, all right ; we will meet you again at three 
 p.m. 
 
 Abner now went to Joseph A. Murphy, his attor- 
 ney, and told him what had happened. 
 
 " Swear out a warrant at once for the highway- 
 men and blackmailers," said his lawyer, as his eyes 
 snapped with righteous indignation. 
 
 " Yes, Joe, but I have no witnesses," said Abner, 
 who was scarcely able to walk from the effects of
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 79 
 
 his long and serious illness and troubles, " and 
 there are two of them, and Woolcraft is just as low 
 as Frank, and you know how far down in the scale 
 of honor and manhood he is who was willing to sell 
 his brother, like Jacob's children sold Joseph for 
 twenty pieces of silver." 
 
 At three p.m. they all met at the referee's office, 
 and " By." beckoned Abner to one side and renewed 
 the proposition, backed up by further threats. Even 
 if Abner was willing and base enough to do so, he 
 couldn't meet their demands. Abner was then 
 examined, the books were all in the trustee's hands 
 except what " By." had secreted in the trunk he 
 had surrepticiously taken from Abner and had 
 secreted in some storehouse. Now, the black- 
 mailer's lawyer stood up and said he had a claim to 
 present, and it was presented, and found not in 
 proper form ; consequently was rejected. It was 
 again filed, but on investigation it was found to be 
 again out of form and it was thrown out. This 
 time it was sworn to by Louis Ruhe of the City of 
 New York, and Abner found, on investigation, that 
 the said Louis Ruhe had been dead eighteen years, 
 consequently the statement and affidavit attached to 
 the bill was forgery, backed up by perjury. This 
 remarkable document certified to by a notary public, 
 declared that the said Louis Ruhe personally 
 appeared before a commissioner of deeds and 
 swore to this infamous paper. No live man
 
 80 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 would do it, so in their desperation they called on 
 the dead. The object of putting in this bill was to 
 compel Abner to go through the humiliation and 
 expense of bankruptcy, and also to aid those who 
 had his goods, cash or notes in their efforts to keep 
 them. They tried in every way to embarrass Abner, 
 who had already settled with all his creditors by 
 turning over to them a hundred and ten thousand 
 eight hundred dollars in cash and merchandise. 
 
 Its rejection and their humiliating defeat cut the 
 comb of the blackmailers and they lay dormant for 
 a while, intending at a future day, to renew their 
 efforts and by fair means, foul or force, to compel 
 Abner 's friends to raise the blood money demanded. 
 There is an old adage which says, " When thieves 
 fall out, honest men get their dues." Soon the law- 
 yer and his client were at loggerheads, and the true 
 state of affairs was laid bare. The sunlight shining 
 upon it soon revealed its rottenness, and honest men 
 could see nothing in it but dead men's bones and all 
 uncleanness. The lawyer was like the drunken 
 man who called out " More rum," in his frenzy, but 
 in this case, it was " more money, more money." 
 Now this miscreant is like some people who think 
 it is cheaper to move than pay rent. " By." hired 
 another lawyer, and after awhile of course another 
 move was necessary, and it came in due time. Then 
 another and still another and still another. When 
 Abner brought suit against him for alienation of his
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 81 
 
 wife's affection, blackmail, slander, criminal libel, 
 defamation of character, etc., these suits were set- 
 tled later on, through the good offices of an out- 
 sider who advised Abner that as Woolcraft was a 
 worthless wretch, had nothing to lose but the 
 remains of an ill-spent life, who in his infirmities, 
 weakness, pain and deformity, was a walking monu- 
 ment of God's displeasure a creature whom all, 
 even his own blood, despised. It was only a waste 
 of money to push them, for, said he : 
 
 "If you put Woolcraft in the penitentiary, the 
 workhouse, almshouse or hospital, that is what his 
 relations want, and I know you don't care to please 
 them, do you? Leave him out and let them sup- 
 port the crawling wretch, then you will be getting 
 square with them." 
 
 So " By." was allowed to go, on condition that 
 his foul face and repulsive countenance never would 
 again show itself under the same roof as Abner 
 L'Estrange, who, with all his wounded soul said : 
 
 " Good-bye, ' By.,' and I hope it is forever. I 
 never wish to see you again."
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The snow was falling fast and the winds were 
 blowing a terrific gale over the Mohawk Valley, as 
 Nancy Woolcraft, her husband and their children 
 were moving into the little village of Charleston, 
 Montgomery County, New York. 
 
 " Rent this small farm and house until we get our 
 bearings," said she to her husband. 
 
 " All right," said he. 
 
 " Now I wonder if the Mohawk Indians will 
 annoy us ? " 
 
 " Oh, no," said Nathaniel, " for I took along my 
 baby-waker." 
 
 " Baby-waker " was an old English, yeoman flint 
 gun, with a hammer like a cat's tongue, and when 
 she did go off which she sometimes did she made 
 things in front of her look sick. She threw a 
 handful of number one shot in every direction, and 
 sometimes did as much damage to those behind as 
 she did in front. Nat called this her beautiful back- 
 action, and he encouraged her in that direction, for 
 he always put in an extra charge for others to fire 
 off, so she would make an impression on them and 
 plainly show her dislike for them. This was done 
 to discourage the borrowing principle which was 
 rapidly gaining ground in the village.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 83 
 
 " My God, she nearly killed me," neighbors would 
 say after they used her. 
 
 Nat, with a grin that would dry an Irish bog 
 hole, replied : " Boys, she doesn't know you. I 
 tell you my powder doesn't do well for anyone but 
 me. You should buy your own ammunition, keep 
 it in your room and you will get thoroughly 
 acquainted." 
 
 But the stingy neighbors had skins as thick as a 
 rhinoceros, and they were as deaf as an adder to 
 these timely suggestions. 
 
 After a while Nat got married to Jane Overocker, 
 who belonged to a close-fisted family of the valley. 
 She was an exception to the rule or coat of arms 
 of the family. " Keep all you have and grab all in 
 sight " was emblazoned on their shield, but she was 
 kind of heart, noble of soul and generous of hand ; 
 industry, patience, perseverance, coupled with 
 honesty, intelligence, honor and integrity were 
 stamped on every outline and feature of her face. 
 Her neighbors loved and praised her, and the poor, 
 when her demise came, mourned her as if all had 
 lost a mother. " Can any good thing come out of 
 Nazareth ? " History says yes ; also shows that out 
 of the vilest clay the gold and diamonds are taken, 
 and out of the same mineral comes the copper and 
 poisonous verdegris. Her husband, Nathaniel 
 Woolcraft, was an upright, industrious man, whose 
 word was his bond. He was a farmer by birth and
 
 84 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 education, careful, industrious and prudent. He 
 died, leaving five children; three girls, Delilah, 
 Maud and Emily, and two boys, Barney or " By.," 
 and Monroe, or " Crum." 
 
 This family resembled the family of our first 
 parents in the Garden of Eden some were 
 extremely good and some were like Cain had the 
 evil one pictured on their forehead. Now, this 
 devoted and kind mother of five small children was, 
 at an early age, compelled to face a fatherless home 
 with a blanket mortgage on it. With a weak body 
 and strong heart she faced her fate. She had no 
 easy road to hoe. Her oldest girl happened with an 
 accident when young which injured her for life, and 
 her youngest son, Barney, was so lazy that she had 
 almost to chew his food, and her oldest son was so 
 unreliable that she could not trust him to pilot the 
 horses with the milk to the factory for fear he would 
 follow the aristocratic fashion of modern times 
 watering his stock, which he was caught at once, 
 and she was made to subscribe three hundred dol- 
 lars to the government to palliate his offence. A 
 good strain was in her, however it came, but like 
 the Irishman in jail, it was there and showed itself. 
 Her sons caused her no end of trouble. They were 
 accused of several crimes, and at last Uncle Sam 
 claimed they washed stamps and used them. She 
 died when young and left the children what she had 
 made during her lifetime.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 85 
 
 Maud, the younger, was a bright and talented girl 
 and graduated from the normal college and went to 
 school-teaching. 
 
 Emma died in the south from hardship and over- 
 work in her brother's home. She was compelled to 
 go out and chop ice after getting out of a bed of 
 fever. Her brother, " Crum," concocted a will 
 which gave him all she had, but it wasn't airtight 
 and was broken. Maud, some years after, moved 
 to a western city and went to live with Barney, or 
 " By.," which they called him in fun, which means 
 " instead of " instead of a man. Later she mar- 
 ried a limb of the law named John Weaklock, in the 
 twin city of the Northwest. She, like her sister 
 Delilah, was kindhearted to her blood relations, con- 
 sequently she had to feed and clothe the good-for- 
 nothing or dross of the family. 
 
 While all this was going on in Nathaniel Wool- 
 craft's family, his nephew, George A. Woolcraft, his 
 brother, and their sisters were living on the banks of 
 the canal on whose riley waters some of them after- 
 wards lived. Pete Montrose married one of the sis- 
 ters ; the other one was so thin she could not cast a 
 shadow, consequently, was missed by the male sex. 
 Pete, like his father but not like his son was fond 
 of water, but after a while he found he could also 
 live on land, and he engaged in the wholesale busi- 
 ness, in which he was successful and ended with an 
 honorable business record. Covered with honor in
 
 86 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 a business life, and well thought of by his neighbors 
 and church people, he departed for the shores of 
 that country from whose bourne no traveler returns, 
 leaving a name full of honor behind to his children, 
 whom nature decreed would not change that name, 
 for it gave them faces and dispositions which always 
 made their defence strong enough against cupid's 
 darts. Their faces were perfect Gibralters against 
 the male sex ; wealth beyond the 'rocks, but no man 
 thought it worth while to scale them or could tole- 
 rate the visible in order to get the sweetness and 
 comfort beyond. Therefore, they will die in their 
 father's good name in peace, and when they do, 
 R. I. P. 
 
 George A. Woolcraft married a shoemaker's 
 daughter from the Dutch capital, named Schuler, 
 or in English it is interpreted " Scarecrow." Her 
 good-for-nothing brother robbed Abner out of seven 
 hundred and eighty-six dollars of hard-earned cash. 
 He, thinking she would be liberal enough, wrote 
 asking her if she wouldn't pay this just and lawful 
 debt of her brother's. Her answer was : 
 
 " I attend to my own business, you to yours and 
 they to theirs." 
 
 This reply from one whom Abner heretofore 
 looked on as scrupulously and religiously honest, 
 shook his faith in her, and convinced him that her 
 educating savages on the banks of the Tiber or in 
 the jungles of India was nothing but vain glory and
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 87 
 
 hypocrisy, for is it not written, " If we love not our 
 brother whom we have seen, how can we love God 
 whom we have not seen." 
 
 Abner posted this amount up to the wrong side 
 of profit and loss, and opposite wrote the words 
 " Appearances deceive," and balanced the account. 
 
 George A. Woolcraft took his brother Mortimer 
 in business with him in order to give it a respecta- 
 ble appearance. Mortimer was one of God's noble- 
 men, honest, kind-hearted, good-natured, honorable, 
 dignified ; a man of whom it could be said, " He was 
 the noblest work of God an honest man," and he 
 took for his wife a queen of the West, a woman of 
 rare learning, talents and refinement. Not since 
 the days of the good Queen of Sweden was there a 
 more intellectual, kind-hearted or noble woman than 
 she. Her children and husband loved her for her- 
 self, not for what they got from her, and when she 
 died all could say like Scancitius : " My mother 
 is dead ; my best, truest and most noble friend is 
 taken from me." She left behind her, three daugh- 
 ters and three sons to mourn their loss. The 
 brothers, as before stated, having formed a partner- 
 ship, carried on the business for years and made 
 quite a success of it. They made a good "team for 
 business one, through his manly ways and open- 
 hearted kindness attracted customers to him, conse- 
 quently, made the money, and the other, who was 
 like the cave, " open seize him," in the wilderness,
 
 88 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 when he got it in his clutches, held on to it by fair 
 means or foul like death does a coon. Their book- 
 keeper, who had an honest mother, was grieved to 
 see how Mortimer was plundered, but as his bread 
 and butter depended on a shut mouth, he had to let 
 the robbery go on. All Mortimer spent to get 
 trade was charged up to him, and made his expenses 
 one hundred times as large as G. A. Woolcraft's. 
 G. A. W. never sold a bill of goods, nor could not, 
 for the core of his heart was no larger than a spar- 
 row's, and its shadow always repelled or disgusted 
 the would-be buyer. Inventory day came after 
 years of earnest and honest toil to Mortimer, to find 
 he was charged with all he had spent in the interest 
 of the firm. 
 
 " Mortimer," said his brother, " your personal 
 expenses are too large. You must buy me out, or 
 I will buy you out." 
 
 " I spent that money to sell goods, and why 
 should it be charged to me ? " 
 
 " Well, what I spent is also charged to me." 
 
 " Well, but you didn't sell any goods." 
 
 " What does the written agreement say ? " said 
 the sly old fox. 
 
 Mortimer had to submit to the agreement. No 
 argument could save Abel from his brother's hand 
 intent on blood ; no persuasion could save Mortimer 
 from his heartless and selfish brother's paw. 
 
 " Go you must ; you say you have built up the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 89 
 
 business ; well, I'll let you see I can run it without 
 you. I do not now need anybody ; go, I say. Take 
 inventory and when all your expenses are taken out 
 of your share, you will get the balance, and you 
 and I dissolve this partnership." 
 
 Mortimer, heart-broken and cast down, as well 
 as cast out, with a paltry few dollars (while his 
 partner had over a million), by his mother's base 
 son, his elder brother, grieved almost to death, bid 
 his numerous friends farewell and wandered into 
 the cold, uninhabited West, there to end his own 
 life of misery with his own hand. But the God of 
 justice and mercy whose Omnicient eye watches 
 over all things, and of whom it is said " a sparrow 
 shall not fall to the ground," has long ago forgiven 
 him for his rash deed, while he has visited the sins 
 of the fathers to the third and fourth generation 
 upon him who robbed him of his hard-earned liveli- 
 hood, as you will see, dear reader, later on. 
 
 Mortimer had three daughters. The eldest had 
 taken the place of mother to all her father's children 
 and grandchildren. She spared not her own self, 
 but sacrificed herself and hers for them all. How 
 then can God deny his goodness to this woman who 
 is indeed the purest and noblest of souls? 
 
 His second daughter has gone to join her father 
 and mother in that blest land where thieves do not 
 break through or steal, and left behind two noble 
 children and their fond father to call her blessed.
 
 90 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 May they shine forth as the sun in its strength and 
 prove themselves worthy son and daughter of noble 
 parents and grandparents. 
 
 The youngest daughter is a Daisy. She married 
 a man of good character and habits and she makes a 
 loving wife, mother and helper. The sons, some 
 of them inherit some of the baseness of the other 
 Woodcraft family, deserted their life-partners, but 
 as in all animals, the bad strain will sometimes show 
 itself and they would not all be liable to escape, for, 
 like Barney, you must remember, they are related 
 to the man on whose head rests the innocent blood 
 of Mortimer Woolcraft, and on whose memory rests 
 and will forever rest that bloody deed. Like the 
 stain on Macbeth's hand, it will not wash off. 
 
 When the old wolf was told of his brother's death, 
 like Cain, he answered as if pricked by his con- 
 science, " Am I my brother's keeper ? " 
 
 The daughter of the dead man answered : " No ; 
 but my father's blood crieth from the ground to 
 heaven for vengeance, and you are the one on whom 
 it will fall. Why do you insult his memory by 
 offering me a home? If I had no home, I would 
 prefer the lake or the canal to your den which is 
 raised by the blood of infamy and fed anu nourished 
 on the heart's blood wrung from the widows and 
 the orphans. Oh, no; keep your ill-gotten gains. 
 God will provide for the fatherless and widow." 
 
 These words pierced like a Saracen's dagger into
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 91 
 
 the vitals of this modern Cain and caused him to cry 
 out, " Lord, what wilt Thou have me to do? " and 
 like the leper Naaman of Syria, his uncleanness was 
 becoming loathsome to him, and he now wished to 
 be clean, and he and his cobweb-shrouded soul 
 thought that the God of justice and mercy could 
 be bought like a Jew pedlar, and he determined, if 
 so, to be at peace with Him. So following the 
 example of Naaman, he presented a sectarian uni- 
 versity with thousands of dollars in hopes to wipe 
 out his infamy and appease an angry God, but he 
 will find out that not all the gold of India, or the 
 diamonds of Africa, the jewels of Rome, or the 
 waters of the ocean can make him presentable to an 
 impartial judge. The widows and the orphans will 
 rise up against him on the Judgment morn and say 
 to him : 
 
 "You robbed me of my home ; you cast me out in 
 the cold; you in your subtlety, pretended you were 
 a friend ; advised me to buy a home, give you a lien 
 upon it and when I had almost paid you for it, you 
 discharged my husband out of your employ and 
 forced the mortgage at a time when you knew I 
 couldn't pay it." 
 
 The cry will sound in his ears, " Depart from 
 me, I never knew you, you worker of iniquity." 
 
 His two daughters survive him, and they now 
 live to see the hand of Omnipotent Jehovah wreak 
 vengeance on them and on their children. They
 
 92 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 now feel it. One of his children is not all there, 
 and she also has a child with vacant lots, while two 
 of them were tried for robbing the dead, and only 
 escaped through the father's knowledge of law in 
 hiring the district attorney to defend them; for 
 which service they never paid him. The other 
 daughter married a tailor's scullion and is now 
 punished by the knowledge also of her own sin, 
 and her first-born has to bear the curse of having 
 her husband taken from her, while the second 
 child mourns the loss of a fatherless baby, and her 
 own debilitated condition brought on by a knowl- 
 edge of her infamy and shame . 
 
 It looks as if they would have to drink the bitter 
 cup to the dregs. Monroe Woolcraft and his sister 
 bought from G. A. Woolcraft & Company all their 
 old lasts and patterns and dies, paid them in part 
 the hard-earned money of their parents. Thous- 
 ands of dollars were taken for useless goods by 
 this old graball, whose greed and perfidy knew no 
 end. He robbed his brother and caused his death ; 
 next he robbed his cousin, C. B. Woolcraft, and 
 last, Monroe Woolcraft and Delilah were mulcted 
 by him. Like the old tyrant, he cried when no 
 more were in sight to plunder. 
 
 " Crum " and Delilah formed a partnership under 
 the firm name of Monroe Woolcraft & Company, 
 and commenced to manufacture boots and shoes, 
 but they could not succeed, for the goods they
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 93 
 
 bought from G. A. Woolcraft & Company were not 
 alone like Monroe's milk-watered stock, but they 
 had on them the curse of a brother's blood ; so, like 
 the Hebrew's spring well, which was nothing but 
 a dirty pool, they dried up; but not before every 
 city, town and hamlet in the United States had a 
 victim, cursing their name and memory, and today 
 the shoes they sent to their customers are on the 
 shelves of the unfortunate dealers and will there 
 remain, for they are unsalable at any price. 
 
 Delilah, seeing that they could not manufacture 
 shoes, set her cap for a victim and she caught 
 Abner L/Estrange. He cannot blame anybody but 
 himself, for he was frequently warned against her, 
 both by her brother " Crum " and her neighbors. 
 One resident on E Street, wrote as follows : 
 "Dear Sir: 
 
 " Having reason to know you are a respectable, 
 highly educated, worthy citizen, I take this oppor- 
 tunity to warn you against Miss Woolcraft and her 
 family. She is a most unreliable, unworthy and 
 disagreeable young lady. Should you marry her, 
 you will regret it as long as you live, for she will 
 betray and desert you when you need her most. The 
 family are all unscrupulous, unprincipled and un- 
 worthy; disagreeable in the extreme. They quar- 
 rel with their unfortunate sister-in-law all the time. 
 May the God of the mother who watched over you 
 save you from such a fate. Should you be fool
 
 94 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 enough to take her, on your wedding day I extend 
 my sympathy to you. 
 
 "AN E. STREET NEIGHBOR." 
 
 "All spite," said Abner to himself. " I don't 
 believe a word of it. ' Crum ' is a fairly decent 
 fellow and has treated me all right." 
 
 While Abner's brain was pondering over the 
 letter, Monroe appeared on the scene. 
 
 " Have you any misses' shoes, sizes from i to 
 2, at one dollar? " 
 
 " Plenty," said " Crum," " how many cases shall 
 I send you ? " 
 
 " Just seventy-two pair," said Abner, " send them 
 down to Pearl Street ; send the bill over here." 
 
 Abner paid the bill, and the next day found 
 Monroe had sent seventy-two pair of small sizes 
 and none of the sizes ordered. This coincided with 
 the letter from the neighbor and set Abner think- 
 ing. Now, Abner was determined to find more out, 
 to see how much of the letter was true, so he in- 
 vited his prospective brother-in-law to take a trip 
 with him West, and he did. Abner kept his eyes 
 open all the time. He introduced '' Crum " to his 
 customers, and on Abner's account and record for 
 square dealing, they gave this unworthy successor 
 of the most unworthy, large orders, and every one 
 who did regretted it, for he sent all of them inferior 
 goods.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 95 
 
 It was on this trip Abner got into a misunder- 
 standing with a Southern gentleman of semi-Span- 
 ish extraction on a political topic. Abner was get- 
 ting the better of the argument against the sus- 
 pender manufacturer from the Sunny South, when 
 the Southern hot blood could stand Abner's sar- 
 castic and cutting blows no longer. He stood back 
 from Abner and let him have a right hand squarely 
 on the face. 
 
 Blood flew from Abner's nose like a spicket, and 
 he looked on in wonder, amazement and pain at 
 the cheek and foolishness of this advocate of human 
 slavery. He squared back again from Abner, who 
 by this time commenced to get ready to defend him- 
 self. The Southern gentleman, with pugilistic 
 tendency, was going through a lot of what he 
 thought scientific manoeuvres to show his skill, 
 thinking by this to intimidate Abner and save him- 
 self. 
 
 " One Southern man can lick five Northern men 
 any day," he said to Abner, as he pranced around 
 for an opening. 
 
 Abner was as still as if he was engaged in silent 
 prayer, at the same time eyeing his opponent 
 sharply, when the Southern gentleman, with a 
 characteristic yell, rushed for him, saying: 
 
 " I'll teach you a lesson ; you won't sneer at 
 Jefferson Davis or the petticoats he donned, again." 
 
 As he advanced, Abner let go his left hand and
 
 96 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 stopped his rush, while, with the right, he sent this 
 bareboned individual against a mirror twenty feet 
 away. 
 
 As he fell, Abner rushed up to him and seeing 
 him wiggle and call out, " Let me alone ; don't hit 
 me again." 
 
 " I will not," said Abner, " strike you while 
 you're down, but should you get on your feet again 
 before you make a thorough apology to me, I will 
 send you through that wall on the double quick. 
 If one Southerner can beat five Northerners, I can 
 lick in one hundred seconds one hundred such as 
 you, and don't you deny it, for if you do, I'll knock 
 you down and kick you for falling." 
 
 The Southerner now commenced to realize that 
 Abner was his superior physically, as well as men- 
 tally, and soon he was as meek as the proverbial 
 Moses. 
 
 The owner of the store now came on the scene 
 and with outstretched hands thanked Abner for 
 punishing the insulting merchant who, only a few 
 minutes before, had insulted Mr. Chamberlain, the 
 proprietor, in a political argument. 
 
 " Crum " looked on with the expression on his 
 face of one who was thinking out a problem. It 
 was, " I better be careful what I do, or I may some 
 day follow that fellow's example and, like him, be 
 compelled for my indiscretion to practice rapid 
 transit."
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 97 
 
 Their mission ended in that town, so they took 
 the train for the next, where Abner found his 
 experience had been wafted ahead of him and all 
 looked in wonder at the man with a face like the 
 peaceful governor who made such short work of 
 the would-be pugilist in Geneva, Ohio. 
 
 " You look scared," " Crum " would say to 
 Abner, who had long ago dismissed the incident 
 from his mind. 
 
 Soon, Monroe's time came and he had to do and 
 act the coward's part. He and Abner called at a 
 store, where " Crum " found some of his goods 
 that were never paid for. When he began to take 
 the unpaid for shoes off the shelves, the owner 
 called to him to stop, and Monroe replied, " I will 
 not." 
 
 " If you do not, I will go there and make you 
 stop." 
 
 Puffed up with the thought of having a man at 
 his back, " Crum " said he didn't meet many men 
 who could make him stop. 
 
 " Well," said the bald-headed little son of Jacob, 
 " I can do it. Now, there is a man who is a gentle- 
 man ; he came in with you, and I'll let him be judge 
 between us, and if I cannot lick you, I will let you 
 take all my store." 
 
 By this time the son of Israel was stripped for 
 action and moving at Monroe with a springy step, 
 soon convinced " Crum " that discretion was the
 
 98 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 better part of valor, and he realized that he must 
 run at once if he wished to save himself. And run 
 he did, out of the door like a jack rabbit around a 
 rock on the mountains of California, convincing 
 Abner that he was a full brother of Barney, whom 
 he had seen run away from his lady companion 
 when he saw a dog approaching them, he ignomin- 
 ously leaving her to her fate. She, having good 
 blood in her, faced her foe with determination and 
 came off victor, while her cowardly companion 
 watched like an old crow from the fence top at the 
 encounter. When the excitement was over she 
 said to Abner, " Had you or my brother been with 
 me, I would not have been left alone as I was. I 
 do not want his companionship in future, for he is 
 neither man nor monkey, and I am glad he is no 
 relation of mine." 
 
 " Come, let us take inventory," said Monroe to 
 his bookkeeper. " This is the first day of January, 
 or I should say, the second, and John Piebald will 
 be around from Bradst reel's to see how much we 
 made last season. Now, Delilah, we must have a 
 good showing, for I have worked hard and you 
 should let me have good figures. It's encouraging 
 to be rich even if it is only on paper." 
 
 " Monroe, look here ; George L. Steadyman, our 
 predecessor's senior son-in-law from the rural dis- 
 trict, has only charged us ninety-nine dollars and 
 ninety-eight cents for collecting that one hundred
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 99 
 
 dollar bill we gave him against H. Fulder, on Pearl 
 Street. Now, that shows you, brother ' Crum ' 
 that what they say of him is not so. Old Colonel 
 Haskins was so base as to say that George L. S. 
 never gave up anything to anybody ; that he always 
 made his bill and expenses balance, if not overrun, 
 the amount collected." 
 
 " I am glad," said Monroe, " to see he is im- 
 proving." 
 
 " Well, you see they are all pleased with us, 
 because we paid the old man such a fine price for 
 his obsolete lasts and patterns, and then we also 
 paid him, you know, for quite a number of cock- 
 roaches and water bugs, which I really think 
 belonged to Yerks, the fruit man down stairs." 
 
 " Never mind ; I'll get square with him. I will 
 turn over to him some of those notes that have been 
 troubled with appendicitis of the commission hay 
 man at Fonda in payment, and let him collect them 
 if he can. Bookkeeper, do you know I am a bright 
 fellow and destined to be among the richest men of 
 my day? " 
 
 The bookkeeper, who was connected by blood as 
 well as business ties, did not see it in that light, and 
 she said, " I have my doubts about that." 
 
 " Oh, you're always jealous, because I think 
 more of my wife than I do of you. Well," he con- 
 tinued, " she is superior to you, for her brother is 
 a minister and your brother is only a fool, or as
 
 100 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 we call it, ' half-knave and half-fool,' known to 
 educated people, like my wife's folks, as an hybrid- 
 ous." 
 
 " Now ' Crum,' anyone would believe that, who 
 knows you as I do, and if you wish still further 
 proof of your stupidity, look at how you have 
 spelled factory on that sign. You have spelled it 
 ' factroy.' " 
 
 " Oh, you're always finding fault with everything 
 I do. I cannot run my own business as I wish to. 
 The Steering foreman and you have almost ruined 
 me by your persistent interference. I tell you 
 both that from this day out I will be boss, and you 
 both will obey me. I will now print a sign and put 
 it up right here in front of the office : 
 
 " RULES. This factory will be open buzzness 
 every day in the year; Monroe Woolcraft will sup- 
 ply all the brains and money to ruin it. No inter- 
 conference from without or within. No union 
 limping relegates or other disturbers will be 
 brooked. Monroe Woolcraft & Company, shoe 
 manufacturers of the G. A. W. grade specialties. 
 N. B. We put them up in dressing-case cartoons 
 suitable for a lady's chamber. We manufacture 
 our own leather in our own factories and always 
 have such large quantities on hand that our goods 
 run more uniform than those of our less fortunate 
 neighbors who have not the means to buy more 
 than a few skins at a time. We use nothing but
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 101 
 
 the best of wool sheepskin in our goatskin leather. 
 We defy all competitors. Our goods are carried in 
 stock by most disreputable dealers, or whoever 
 bought a pair of shoes from us." 
 
 " Printer, when can you have one thousand of 
 those struck off for me ? " 
 
 Prouty, the printer of variegated colors, closed 
 one eye and nearly the other and looking his patron 
 saint squarely in the face, said with some sarcasm : 
 
 " Hand that in to your bookkeeper first and have 
 her write it over, correcting the spelling, or the 
 printers might set it up as it is, and everyone would 
 ask what colossal ass got that up; and as I like to 
 put my name on all my work, I would not care to 
 be looked on as the father of that monstrosity." 
 
 Monroe got excited and tore up the manuscript 
 and walked into his sanctum with the strut of a 
 czar, the brains of a pigeon and the heart of a 
 magpie to see what next was to be done. 
 
 " Look here, Monroe, here's a bill for dry goods 
 from Meyers ; it must be paid." 
 
 "Well, pay it." 
 
 " Where did the goods go to, Monroe ? " 
 
 " If there're not at home," said " Crum," " Prov- 
 idence must have taken them. Pay it anyway, it 
 will brace up our credit." 
 
 Next came a squeaky voice as if from the tomb, 
 saying :
 
 102 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Where can I find stock to cut that G grade out 
 of?" 
 
 " We haven't any." 
 
 " Where can I get stock for the A grade ? " 
 
 '' We have none." 
 
 "For the W grade?" 
 
 " Got none," said the bookkeeper, who was now 
 writing a note to her sister to come and draw out 
 her money, for the rats were leaving the building, 
 which is a sure sign the ship is going to sink. 
 
 The sister, with a smile upon her face, came into 
 the office and requested of " Crum " her cash and 
 he answered: 
 
 " I can't supply you with money all the time ; go 
 work for it." 
 
 " I do not want your money," said his sister, " I 
 only want my own that I intrusted you with." 
 
 The bookkeeper, who had the power of attorney, 
 had already given her a check and drawn the money 
 on it. The sister, knowing that, smiled at Monroe. 
 
 This is where Delilah learned to grab on to any 
 cash entrusted to her keeping. In this, she was a 
 full sister to her brother and former partner, and 
 a worthy successor to the infamous, dishonest, sel- 
 fish, unprincipled, miserable, stingy, base, heartless 
 G. A. W. 
 
 Monroe, hearing the bookkeeper answer the fore- 
 man, said: 
 
 " Well, I'll put up another notice : Bulletin No.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 103 
 
 Two Employees will please take notice that a cut 
 of fifty per cent on all wages will be made tomor- 
 row." 
 
 " This," he said to himself, " will cause a strike 
 and it will last until I get some money to buy 
 another half-dozen skins." 
 
 " Bookkeeper," he said in imperious tones, 
 " write out a squib for the paper on these lines : 
 ' Workingmen strike against reduction of wages at 
 Woolcraft & Company's factory. Thousands of 
 large orders on hand and mountains of stock to 
 make them from, but men will not work at reason- 
 able or fair wages. Mr. Woolcraft, the senior 
 member and brains of the firm, when seen by a 
 reporter, was busily endorsing checks before mak- 
 ing his deposit in the bank, but his gentlemanly 
 spirit soon turned him to the newspaper reporter 
 and he gave a true history of the strike: My men 
 belong to the unions, and they, knowing I had a 
 number of large orders to get out at once, and also 
 seeing a very large stock of goods to make them 
 from on hand, were contemptible enough to think 
 it was a good time to strike, but my firm will spend 
 a million, if necessary, to crush out this foreign and 
 un-American unionism. We Americans," and he 
 swelled up to five feet high, " will not be ruled by 
 Irishmen; they cannot run us. This is a free 
 country." 
 
 The strike went on for months. The salesman
 
 104 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 who was the remains of an ill-spent life of three 
 score years and ten, was drunk in a small town on 
 the New York Central Railroad ; the truckman was 
 suffering from lumbago at his home; the baby was 
 sleeping behind a clay mound up in the frozen 
 North; the water bugs and rats were fast leaving 
 the building; they couldn't stand the cold; the 
 bookkeeper was suffering from hay fever in the 
 depth of winter and the proprietors were scouring 
 the country for a greenhorn to sell out to. 
 
 This second notice had the same effect as the 
 handwriting on the wall in the time of Belshazzar ; 
 destruction, desolation and ruin had come at last 
 and the inevitable sign of decay was put on the 
 door : " To let, inquire of the baby." The dragon 
 and its young were no more, and many there were 
 who wished bon voyage to both and prayed that 
 they might never return. 
 
 It was at this time that Delilah, now like Elaine, 
 cast an anchor to windward. No more business, 
 so next best thing was to marry for business not 
 sentiment. At this opportune moment a handsome, 
 well educated, innocent youth came along and fate 
 at once had him in its meshes. He fell madly in 
 love .with her. Like Sampson of old, his eyes were 
 put out and she made him grind in her prison 
 house. His love was not reciprocated ; she played 
 with his affections like a cat worries its victim, until 
 she commenced to see he was growing shy under
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 105 
 
 her treatment ; then she raised the headgates of her 
 hypocritical devotion and poured love upon him, 
 such as it was, in gigantic volume. He, poor fool, 
 took this artificial, frothy affection for the genuine 
 article, and succumbed to her wiles in the month of 
 roses, when the marriage ceremony was performed 
 by the author of double bow knots by one who ties 
 them. 
 
 Now, the marriage ceremony being over, Bar- 
 ney's unhallowed whispers soon changed the 
 fountains of make-believe love to rivers of eternal 
 hate, which generated diabolical deeds and treacher- 
 ous as well as selfish acts never before equalled 
 since the days of Mary Queen of Scots, and the 
 infamous, deceitful, undermining Bothwell mur- 
 dered Darnley. Awful to relate; yes, indeed, awful ; 
 and the hand that now pens it shudders at the 
 thought of the traps, snares and murderous pitfalls 
 laid for this confiding, devoted, unsuspecting youth, 
 who, many a time afterwards, repeated the old 
 adage in tears, " Married in haste, repent at 
 leisure;" for, just as the ostrich is coaxed and 
 decoyed into the deadly pen to be plucked, so did 
 she entice this honest specimen of manhood into 
 her snare, and not alone did she pluck off all his 
 valuable plumage, but in his weakness and ill-health 
 tried to confine him in an institution where she 
 knew his death would be hastened by the thought 
 of her base, unprincipled, mercenary conduct
 
 106 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 towards him. What cared this modern Catherine 
 of Russia whether he languished in a cell or not, so 
 long as she and her brother " By " could enjoy the 
 fruits of his hard, painstaking labor? " Man pro- 
 poses, but God disposes." The Omniscient eye of 
 the Father, of whom it is written, " Never allows 
 the righteous to be forsaken, or his seed begging 
 bread," decreed it otherwise. The still, small voice 
 reached the core of this woman's calloused heart 
 and said to her, like Paul of old, "Halt." The 
 scales now fell from her eyes, and like the prodigal 
 son, she saw herself in her true light. She sees 
 her duty and resolves to do it. " I will arise and 
 go to my husband and say unto him, ' I have sinned 
 against heaven and in thy sight. I am no more 
 worthy to be called by the sacred name of wife; 
 make me, I pray thee, as one of thy hired servants, 
 for I have robbed you; I have deserted you in 
 sickness and disease; I have not obeyed the laws 
 of God in that I have cared for my brother and 
 neglected you. I have acted like the ungrateful 
 skylark, which sings its sweetest songs to the 
 clouds, while it gets its food and bed upon the 
 earth. You have been good to me; you have never 
 denied me anything; your purse-strings were 
 always open to my wants and your heart to my 
 affections. I, therefore, should not have caused you 
 trouble in your adversity, pain in your sickness, 
 deserted you in your loneliness. Instead of being
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 107 
 
 a help to you, I aided your enemies. In your 
 weakness, I placed pitfalls before you ; I persecuted 
 you even unto death ; I lied about you. My base 
 brother filled my heart with hate against you, in 
 order that I might feed and clothe him at your 
 expense. My unnatural brother may desert his 
 wife and leave her to freeze in the cold and frozen 
 Northwest, but, God helping me, I will not shirk 
 my duty again. Only forgive me this once. I 
 know I am not worthy of one leaf of your affection ; 
 your true and constant love as exemplified in your 
 unswerving conduct to me. Let me love you, I 
 beseech of thee, so that I may, by my future acts, 
 show that all good is not gone out of me. Give me 
 a chance to make reparation for my sins and I 
 promise you I will stand by you against the world 
 in future. Your friends shall be my friends, your 
 people shall be my people, and your God my God. 
 I will turn the back of my hand as well as my life 
 to all that is unrighteous, unclean and unholy, and 
 sanctify myself to thee and my God forever.' ' 
 
 Like the father in the parable, Abner met her 
 while she was yet a good way off and with open 
 arms and revived affection, welcomed the penitent 
 home. His old love all came back again and they 
 were happy once more. 
 
 In the exuberance of her joy she continued : " I 
 now see this wanton, selfish brother in his true light 
 and as you now forgive me, I will, in future, be
 
 108 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 your wife in deed as well as in name. I am truly 
 sorry," she said, with sobs, " I made you so much 
 trouble and expense, but I couldn't help it. He 
 paralyzed my sensor ium, my judgment he took from 
 me, through his wily serpentine words I could see 
 nothing good in you," she continued. " I licker- 
 ished his words ; I acted on his diabolical sug- 
 gestions; I obeyed his unnatural orders; I satisfied 
 his inhuman desires ; I forgot the divine command, 
 ' Therefore shall a person leave his father, brother, 
 sister and all and cleave unto their wife or hus- 
 band.' He is not to blame, though, for the poor 
 little wretch realizes his inability to earn a liveli- 
 hood, and like the cruel Italian scoundrel in the 
 play, he kept me in his power so as to get out oi 
 me his daily bread. I see it all now ; I see it," she 
 said, with sobs which plainly told of a contrite 
 heart. 
 
 Scarce had this outburst of repentance died away 
 and before a dozen morning suns had risen on their 
 joy, the despoiler of homes again put in his appear- 
 ance and in Abner's absence, whispered in her ear: 
 
 " Leave him ; come with me. I will treat you 
 more kindlv when you are sick than he will. He 
 will remember your treatment of him and treat you 
 cruelly. You know I am your mother's son; your 
 dear brother ' By '," an d she listened to the serpent 
 charmer's deceitful words, and again Abner was 
 left alone to commune with himself.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 109 
 
 After she was gone Abner pondered over what 
 had happened during the few days of his happiness 
 and he felt discouraged and resolved to go to the 
 land of gold and shining sun; leave cruel fate 
 behind him, if possible, and commence life anew, 
 calling to mind the lines of the poet : 
 
 If the friend who embraced in prosperity's glow, 
 With a smile for each joy and a tear for each woe, 
 Should betray thee when sorrows like clouds are 
 
 arrayed, 
 " Look aloft " to the friendship which never shall 
 
 fade. 
 
 Should the visions which hope spreads in light to 
 
 thine eye, 
 
 Like the tints of the rainbow, but brighten to fly, 
 Then turn, and through tears of repentent regret, 
 " Look aloft " to the Sun that is never to set. 
 
 LAWRENCE. 
 
 Acting on the thought, he bought a ticket over 
 
 the Pennsylvania railroad for the far West. It 
 
 was now six p. M. and the male chambermaid of his 
 
 stateroom came along with a smile that resembled 
 
 the door of a chicken coop and said : 
 
 " Do you wish your bed made up ? " 
 
 Abner, who now felt like the boy pictured in the 
 
 school book who caught his bird but let it out of his 
 
 hand again, said, "Yes." Soon Abner was in bed and 
 
 fast asleep, for he had now made up his mind all
 
 110 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 was over between them. He would not think, in 
 future, any more of his fickle and unreliable wife, 
 and resolved to leave her and all her relatives 
 behind, blot her name out of the book of his 
 remembrance, cut her off from him as soon as the 
 law of the Golden State would allow. 
 
 As he drew near the blackened, smoky city of 
 Pittsburg, " Breakfast now ready in the dining 
 car," said the man with the apron put on to protect 
 his Sunday pants. 
 
 " I'll take breakfast now," said Abner, " for I 
 am hungry. I haven't had anything since I left 
 New York yesterday." 
 
 " Good breakfast." 
 
 " Good money," said Abner, as he handed the 
 conductor a cartwheel in exchange for the morning 
 meal. 
 
 Breakfast over, Abner sat beside the window 
 and watched the fields and woodlands as he flew- 
 through them at the rate of sixty miles an hour. 
 Cattle, windmills, fields and oil wells passed from 
 his view at lightning speed, and at eight p. M. he 
 was nearing Chicago, where he put up for the night 
 at the Grand Pacific Hotel. In the morning he 
 called on his cousin and her four beautiful children, 
 where he received a warm welcome such as only 
 true-hearted people can give. 
 
 " Glad to see you. How gray and worn you 
 look," said his cousin, with a smile. " I am glad
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. Ill 
 
 your troubles are over ; you have had an awful time 
 of it, haven't you ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Abner, " I had a hot time for the 
 last two years. Treachery has placed all those gray 
 hairs in my head. I am now determined to live 
 down all my sorrows, disappointments and losses, 
 and with an eye only set on the future, my back 
 turned on the past, I will leave Chicago tonight." 
 
 That night Abner boarded the train for Canada. 
 He reached Manitoba's chief city, Winnipeg, two 
 days later, in good health and excellent spirits. 
 Winnipeg is a beautiful city of the Northwest, sur- 
 rounded by the best wheat country in the world. 
 The small lakes in the country surrounding Win- 
 nipeg abound in fish. The city is built at the 
 junction of the Red and Assiniboine Rivers; it 
 commands the trade of the North, East and West. 
 It is different from most Western and Northern 
 cities in that its houses are mostly substantial 
 structures of brick and stone; electric lights, parks, 
 immense flouring mills, half a dozen grain elevators 
 and one of the largest abbatoirs in the world, are 
 the principal things that catch the eye of the 
 tourist. 
 
 Abner stayed here two days, saw all the sights, 
 and were it not for Jack Frost, who seemed to be 
 in full possession of the place, he would have stayed 
 longer. This is a cold country. Seven months 'of 
 the year it is bound in ice and snow.
 
 112 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Next stop was at Marquette, where Abner got out 
 his gun and shot some game. The town is just 
 half way between Vancouver and Montreal. His 
 next stop was at Rush Lake, a place noted for its 
 great flocks of game of almost all kinds, where 
 swans, geese, ducks and pelican can be found in 
 myriads; also large game. 
 
 Abner got out here and remained a week, shoot- 
 ing wild duck of all kinds, from the teal to the 
 mallard no waiting or walking just take aim. 
 The climate is exceedingly mild here, considering 
 the latitude, and so dry that a person rarely feels 
 the cold. 
 
 The next stop was at Calgary, altitude three 
 thousand four hundred feet; population, between 
 six and seven thousand. This is a snug little city ; 
 it is indeed, the most healthy-looking, prosperous 
 and inviting on the road. It is known as the sirloin 
 of Canada. It is situated on a hill-girt plain, 
 shaded by the Rocky Mountains, and is the fur- 
 nisher of supplies to the great ranching country 
 which lies north of it. 
 
 He stopped over a week to see the sights, and 
 was indeed surprised to see the tremendous herds 
 of cattle which were fed on the plains, winter and 
 summer. Calgary has a very mild climate and as 
 coal is exceedingly cheap and lumber plenty, little 
 or no hardship is felt from cold by its inhabitants.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 113 
 
 Next place of note he stopped at was Banff. 
 This is known as the Switzerland of the Western 
 hemisphere. Now, Abner had forgotten the past 
 and all its troubles, trials, blue streaks and mis- 
 fortunes, and was now just commencing to enjoy 
 nature's grandest effort which here loomed up 
 before him in majestic splendor, as he walked 
 through the Canadian National Park which lies in 
 the heart of the Rocky Mountain range. This 
 Garden of Eden, with its rivers, valleys and forest- 
 clad slopes, its shining cascades and the roaring, 
 foaming torrents of the Bow River, create a pic- 
 ture as charming as any on earth. Abner thought 
 to himself, " What pen or brush can paint its 
 equal; it beats the old masters' efforts and puts 
 the work of the most clarified pen in the shade," 
 and he exclaims, " Behold, greater than Raphael 
 is here; great is nature's handiwork and sublime 
 are these, her greatest and most beautiful pro- 
 ductions." 
 
 This is the head and shoulders of the giant Rocky 
 Mountain range. The Park is a national reser- 
 vation, nearly twenty-six miles long and almost 
 eleven wide. It embraces the valleys of the Bow- 
 spray and Cascade Rivers, Devil's Lake and three 
 or four mountain ranges. No part of these giant 
 hills show man more sublime or pleasing scenery 
 than this point. Devil's Lake has the largest trout
 
 114 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 in the world, and Abner hired a rod and reel to 
 catch some. Now he had the rod and tackle, but 
 sooft was like a young doctor out of patience 
 (patients). He could not wait for the trout to 
 make up his mind to swallow the hook, so he trolled 
 for him and soon he had a giant struggling on his 
 hook. No sooner had this finny inhabitant of the 
 water been struck so unceremoniously and in so 
 unsportsmanlike manner, then he shot with almost 
 lightning speed for the opposite side of the lake, 
 while Abner held his breath. He let him have all 
 the line he wanted and soon his stock on hand grew 
 small and he feared he was going to lose him, also 
 his line, when suddenly the fish stopped and the 
 line lay in the water without strain. 
 
 Abner now was in high glee, and calling to the 
 guide, said, " I have got him, sure pop." 
 
 But he counted without his host, for no sooner 
 had he said this, than the reel commenced to spin 
 off again. Abner now knew that it would not be 
 long until all the line was out and then it would be 
 a case of strength, as the robin said when he pulled 
 the worm out of the ground. 
 
 " Play him," said the guide, " or he will snap the 
 line." 
 
 Abner was green at the business, and the fish 
 was very large and as full of game as an Irish 
 terrier. He tugged and pulled at the Hoe, then 
 slacked up a little, when Abner commenced to wind
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 115 
 
 him up. His feet sank in the mud, so he determined 
 to get upon a rock and haul the fish to shore, or pull 
 his hook out of him and try for a smaller one. No 
 sooner had Abner stepped on the rock than he lost 
 his balance and the fish gave another pull and 
 Abner slipped into ten feet of good, clean water. 
 
 "Are you a Baptist? " called out the guide. 
 
 " No, I am not," said Abner, " but I have a cousin 
 Margaret that is foolish enough to want plenty of 
 water." 
 
 " Let go the rod," roared out the guide. 
 
 " Not if the Old Boy after whom the lake is 
 called was on the end of it, I won't," said Abner, 
 who was swimming around with one hand, while 
 the other had a death-grip on the rod. 
 
 After a few minutes Abner got back to the rock, 
 water streaming off him and his teeth rattling. He 
 at once set to haul in by sheer force, the unruly 
 fish. 
 
 " You will break the line." 
 
 " I will not," said he, " but I'll pull him in, or 
 I will pull his teeth out." 
 
 He tugged and wound up the line. At last the 
 fish lay motionless in the water and allowed him- 
 self to be hauled near the shore. Now, he was 
 within a few feet of the rocks, and Abner could 
 see he had an enormous large trout on the line, and 
 the hook and bait were fastened to the west end of 
 the fish going east.
 
 116 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Abner acted as if he was afraid to speak, for fear 
 of scaring the fish, so he kept pulling on the line 
 until he got him almost ashore, when the fish made 
 one more desperate effort to free itself. Abner 's 
 temper now was growing a little warm, and with 
 teeth set, he gave one long, strong pull and the fish 
 was on the sand, where the hook pulled out of him. 
 Abner, seeing his prey about to escape, threw him- 
 self, like a gladiator, upon his victim, and as he 
 grabbed at it, the fish with a sudden jerk hit Abner 
 on the face with his tail, inflicting a stroke of pun- 
 ishment upon his enemy before he died. 
 
 Abner now carried the trout to the hotel, where 
 he boasted of his swimming and fishing qualities. 
 
 The guide called again that afternoon, but Abner 
 had enough of the finny tribe for one day and also 
 for the next and maybe for life, for he not alone 
 caught the trout, but also a heavy cold. 
 
 " I do not like fishing," said he, " but if you 
 furnish me a guide, I'll go after some game with 
 my gun." 
 
 The next morning found Abner and six of his 
 fellow-tourists climbing the mountains, and he was 
 no amateur at it, nor at the art of calling down 
 game with his gun. When they started from the 
 hotel, all told of their experience with a shotgun. 
 Abner kept still, expecting to surprise them when 
 the time came for action. They had not long to 
 wait when they could try their skill, for rabbits
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 117 
 
 and small game were in abundance, quail flew and 
 rabbits ran everywhere, only to be fired at and 
 missed. 
 
 " Stop," said he, " let me take the next half-dozen 
 shots/' and they did, when he potted the six. 
 
 Soon he had the attendant loaded with game, his 
 experience on the mountains of California having 
 almost made him a perfect shot. No animal could 
 run fast enough to get away from him, and nine 
 birds out of ten that he fired at would meet their 
 fate. Even the jack rabbit on the Southern 
 mountains and plains could not escape him, and I 
 have seen him shoot four out of a covey of quail 
 with a repeater before they got beyond reach of his 
 deadly aim. 
 
 When the party started for home at six p. M. 
 he had more game than the other five, and /each of 
 them fired more shots than he. They all agreed 
 that Abner was the best shot on the Rockies, flying 
 or running; also a good swimmer, but he had 
 neither the skill nor patience of a good fisherman. 
 
 Next day, all started out again, and like the day 
 before, Abner got the most game. He would wait 
 until the game was first fired at and missed before 
 he pulled on them, and then down they came. His 
 skill with the gun and his ignorance, awkwardness 
 and impatience with the rod, was the gossip of the 
 boys at the hotel. His tongue sometimes was as 
 polished as if he had kissed the Blarney stone all
 
 118 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 his life, and then again, it was as rough as a cat's 
 and cut like a two-edged sword, often too deep to 
 heal. 
 
 Abner enjoyed life here and was grieved to 
 leave. 
 
 " I wish I were rich," he said, " and I would live 
 on the Rocky Mountains with the wild goats and 
 mountain sheep, with heaven's starry blue sky for 
 my roof; the rockies for my hobstone and the 
 plains for my floor and vegetable garden, the 
 Fraser River for my salmon and water supply, and 
 the Devil's Lake for my ice box; the boiling 
 springs at Banff for my hot water tank, and I 
 think, then, heaven would be my future home. 
 Alas, my dream is over, and I must leave in the 
 morning for Vancouver, there to take the Pacific 
 line of steamers for San Francisco. " Call me at 
 five A. M.," said Abner to the clerk at the Hot 
 Springs Hotel. " I wish to leave for Vancouver in 
 the morning on the 5 150 train." 
 
 "All right," said the genial quill driver, " I'll do 
 so," and added, " sorry to learn you are going to 
 leave us ; haven't we treated you all right ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Abner, with emphasis. " There is 
 not one man on the line of the Canadian Pacific 
 that knows how or could treat anyone but squarely 
 and gentlemanly; no road on earth handled by a 
 finer set of men than the same C. P. R. It is a 
 pleasure to travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 119 
 
 and be sure of courteous and gentlemanly treatment 
 all the time. The smallest child or feeblest old 
 lady can travel by this road with perfect safety." 
 
 " Well, Mr. L'Estrange, good bye," said the ink- 
 slinger. " I will not be able to see you in the morn- 
 ing." 
 
 " Good bye," said Abner, " and I hope to see you 
 some day again, and should you ever call at Los 
 Angeles, come and see me. My door always swings 
 in for friends." V 
 
 Abner now went to bed thinking of all the joy 
 he had at Banff and soon he was fast asleep. He 
 dreamed of the name of the lake and it soon dis- 
 turbed his slumbers and in the darkness he thought 
 he could see Barney's face in agony and despair as 
 he swam around the lake calling for help. The 
 master of ceremonies of the place, with a smile on 
 which he has a patent, answered, "Ah there, stay 
 there. I was cast out of Heaven for disobedience, 
 but you will never see it, for you were born in 
 iniquity, conceived in sin and now my home will 
 be yours for all eternity. You breaker of hearts 
 and wrecker of homes, you degrader of the orphan 
 and despoiler of the widow, you ensnarer of the 
 innocent, maligner of the just, robber of the sick 
 and fever-stricken, enemy of all that is righteous, 
 noble, elevating, just and holy, you have divided 
 your last home, you have decoyed and deceived 
 your last victim. After you are washed and clean
 
 120 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 I will have you transferred to that place where you 
 see the smoke, there to remain until time is no 
 more, where the worm never dies and the fire is 
 not quenched; where there is and forever will be 
 weeping and gnashing of teeth. You have earned 
 this your reward and I'll see that you get it. When 
 you are clean enough, you will be transferred not 
 till then. You are now too foul and dirty to asso- 
 ciate with." 
 
 There on the banks stood all those whom he had 
 injured in his lifetime, pointing their fingers with 
 scorn at him, and saying to him : 
 
 " I told you you would get here ; my unborn babe 
 curses you; my fevered brain prayed for your 
 downfall; my deceived and ruined daughter asked 
 for this punishment for you, my broken-hearted 
 husband, whom you decoyed to the wooly West and 
 robbed of the savings of a lifetime, with asthmatic 
 voice supplicated the throne of grace to punish you. 
 My dear daughter whom you married, neglected, 
 covered with infamy and shame, asked with tears, 
 that you be sent here, and now that you are here, 
 you will get your deserts, I hope. I have no 
 ambition for your company, but I suppose you know 
 I have no choice, so I am determined to make the 
 best of it." 
 
 " Turn on the steam," said someone in the 
 building. 
 
 Abner thought they wre going to scald " By "
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 121 
 
 and he awoke to find that it was five o'clock and the 
 bells were ringing. The perspiration freely flowed 
 off him ; he raised himself on his elbow and looked 
 around the room to see if he could find Barney or 
 his ghost. Not seeing them he concluded 'twas a 
 dream. So he dressed himself and got to the 'bus 
 and soon was on board the train and fast leaving 
 Banff toward the setting sun. 
 
 Next place of interest is Hector. At this place a 
 crystal water separates into the great divide, one 
 arm flowing to the Pacific, the other into Hudson 
 Bay. The spinal column of the continent is here. 
 The station at the foot of the Rocky Mountains is 
 named after the first President of the railroad. 
 Perched here and there on the mountain sides like 
 wicker baskets on the Irishman's donkey, are small, 
 beautiful lakes, hidden from the casual observer's 
 view by romantic environments. Their loveliness 
 and charm surpasses description. There is a path 
 to Mirror Lake higher up in the mountains, where 
 there is a comfortable, as well as beautiful hotel. 
 Still further up in cloudland, is the crystal lake, 
 Agnes, from which a beautiful view of the valley 
 and adjacent mountains can be taken. The path 
 also leads to Paradise Valley, Valley of the Ten 
 Peaks, and other spots of interest to the tourist. 
 
 " Now I am in the clouds, my next thought is 
 how to go down without rolling. Well, I got
 
 122 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 down and am tired enough to sit still on the train 
 to Vancouver." 
 
 We are off again over the valley of the Fraser 
 River, on which are the richest salmon fisheries of 
 the world; on and on we rush. At last we enter 
 the canyon of the Thomson River. Here the 
 coeval mountains draw nigh to one another, and 
 our train runs along their faces hundreds of feet 
 above the struggling river. The waters now are 
 more confined and deeper, and the scenery changes 
 to savage grandeur. The threatening cliffs tower 
 above our heads and remind us of Joseph's coat of 
 many colors. Now and then can be seen, through 
 breaks in the clouds, the snowy peaks of the Rock- 
 ies as they nestle amidst the planets in the blue 
 heavens above us. We are now running at a fast 
 pace and soon Burrow Inlet is in view. From here 
 we can look back at the snow-capped mountains 
 and wonder how we ever got through. Soon Van- 
 couver is reached and it is a pleasant surprise to 
 see such a beautiful city after passing through the 
 wild homes of the tiger, lion, the moose, the bear, 
 the cayote and mountain sheep. Vancouver has 
 beautiful homes, schools and churches; its streets 
 are clean and paved with asphalt. It is lighted by 
 gas and electricity; it has an ample supply of pure 
 water from the mountains; it's harbor has steam- 
 ship lines for the Orient, as well as all along the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 123 
 
 Pacific Coast, Australia, Van Dieman's Land and 
 Puget Sound. 
 
 Abner got off the train and soon was on his way 
 to the Vancouver Hotel, where he stayed all night 
 and received the kindest of treatment. In the 
 morning he made his way to the steamer for San 
 Francisco. Getting on board before many of the 
 passengers were astir, he walked up and down 
 watching the crafts as they passed in and out the 
 harbor. He now determined to keep a diary of 
 each day, so he opened his first day : 
 
 "Got on board all right; breakfast none, lost it 
 between the boat and the hotel; lunch at twelve 
 o'clock, dinner at six P. M. ; felt badly, caused by the 
 rocking of the vessel ; took some pills, went to bed 
 and slept soundly. Second day out: Got up at 
 five A. M., met a United States warship and several 
 other vessels ; was amused to see the sea gulls fly 
 after the vessels and fight for the food which the 
 sailors threw out. Breakfast at eight; lunch at 
 twelve and dinner at six was all of interest that 
 day. Went early to bed; didn't feel good. Third 
 day, got up early, passed an iceberg, watched the 
 seals, or sealions, flounder in the water, ate my 
 meals with a relish; now San Francisco was in 
 view and all aboard were glad. We were soon on 
 the dock and moving up the plank; all scattered to 
 their various homes." 
 
 Abner put up at the Grand Hotel for the night,
 
 124 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 intending to pay a visit to Golden Gate Park in the 
 morning. Morning came and he wended his way 
 to the park, which is, in his humble judgment, the 
 finest in the world. Once there he visited his 
 favorite spot first the large avaries. These 
 colossal cages embrace an earthly paradise of rocks 
 and rills, valleys and forest-clad hills, slopes covered 
 with trees and shrubs of almost endless variety, 
 while down its valleys, flow rushing torrents of 
 crystal water from the mountains, bestowing a 
 blessing on all animal and vegetable life as it passes 
 through on its way to the restless ocean. Within 
 these glass and wire palaces, can be seen the most 
 beautiful of nature. The trees are filled with birds 
 of every clime, and their songs enliven the leisure 
 hours of the visitor with music that hath no com- 
 parison as they fly from bough to bougli or quench 
 their thirst in the silvery waters of the rushing 
 brook. Above all can be heard the wild, heaven- 
 inspiring notes of the master songster of the 
 Orient the Pekin nightingale, as it flits, with in- 
 describable speed from bough to grass and grass 
 to water's edge, its yellow-decked wings shining 
 like golden spots in the sun, and all agree that it is 
 the most beautiful as well as the loveliest songster 
 of the glade. Next you see perched on a tree over- 
 hanging the running waters, a number of German 
 and Egyptian nightingales. With open beaks these 
 children of the queen of song add their unexcelled
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 125 
 
 musical efforts to the praises of nature. What this 
 bird lacks in beauty, it makes up in the richness of 
 its voice, and is well seconded in its efforts by a 
 number of skylarks from the bogs of the Isle of St. 
 Patrick. The Irish song thrush from the green 
 fields and mountains can also be seen and heard 
 in numbers, as well as the golden bill blackbird 
 from its native haunts in the white thorn hedges 
 of the Green Isle. Hundreds of St. Andresbergh 
 canaries of all hues and colors, from the mountains 
 of the fatherland and the forests of Thuringa join 
 in the chorus. Cooing doves, climbing and ground 
 squirrels, African gray parrots and Mexican double 
 yellow heads are also here. California quail, prairie 
 chicken, cotton-tail and partridge run among the 
 trees; the Kentucky cardinal and Baltimore oriole 
 sing while sitting on the tops of the little bird cot- 
 tages swinging from the trees. The former has a 
 coat of red like an English soldier, while the latter 
 is dressed in the colors of Lord Baltimore. The 
 sublime songster, the inimitable mockingbird from 
 the sunny South, dwell with the wild ducks and 
 geese from the frozen fields of Canada and Alaska. 
 The little robin redbreast and the king of all birds, 
 the wren from the British Isles, chum with the 
 countless varieties of African finches from the land 
 of the savage Zulus ; the Java sparrow disputes the 
 ground in deadly combat with their English cousin. 
 The beautiful bulfinch from Germany boss their
 
 126 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 cousins from the English orchards. The magpie 
 and crow are domiciled with the peacock on account 
 of their dishonesty. The African lovebirds caress 
 one another in the shade of some rubber plant. The 
 golden pheasant with his beautiful plumage, basks 
 in the sunshine under the willow; the wild turkey 
 struts like Roscoe Conklin in the Senate of old, on 
 the gravel pathway, and the most conceited bird 
 of all and the most beautiful the Irish goldfinch 
 sings to its little mate on its wooly nest, while the 
 humming birds fly around and .sip nectar from the 
 flowers that cluster on the walls. The most casual 
 observer is convinced at once that this bird village 
 is cosmopolitan, for all kingdoms and countries 
 are represented, from the flowery kingdom of the 
 chrysanthemum to the opposite side of the earth 
 and around to the palace of the Mikado, are 
 gathered the best specimens of their kind, for their 
 emigration laws are very strict none but the 
 educated and well-bred being allowed to enter. 
 There is not a song bird on the earth's surface that 
 Abner knows or even heard of, but can be found 
 here, also the rare and beautiful birds from the 
 warmer climates. 
 
 Abner walked along between these castles full of 
 verdure, life and song, and his heart was cheered as 
 he passed out into the open park. It was now six 
 p. M. and he headed for home between houses and 
 trees covered with fruit and flowers, and lingered
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 127 
 
 as he bent his ears to catch the cadence of the song 
 as it died in the distance. At last he got to Golden 
 Gate Park and from there to the cars, back to the 
 hotel. What he heard and saw that day filled his 
 soul full of praise of the people of the Golden State 
 and in his extreme delight, said : 
 
 " This is, indeed, California the Golden, the 
 Queen State of the West, and is rightly and justly 
 entitled to the Golden Gate." 
 
 No stronger or more convincing proof of the 
 refined and cultured man is found anywhere. The 
 beauties of nature, resplendant under the rays of a 
 golden sun, mingled with the sweet music of the 
 winged songsters of the forest and the pleasant 
 odor from trees, shrubs and flowers, make one think 
 this is an earthly paradise a fairyland. But some 
 primitive debauched specimens of mankind were 
 also there and as they walked along, their actions 
 and words indicated they did not see anything of 
 interest. They remarked, " We don't see any- 
 thing here but birds, animals, plants, flowers, walks, 
 trees, gates and poor workingmen,'* and wished 
 they had gone to the Troy House instead, where 
 they could put sawdust for an overcoat on their 
 tobacco juice, and hear some red-eyed specimen of 
 animated clay strangle music on an instrument once 
 called a piano. The beautiful had no charms for 
 them, the refined works of nature and higher man 
 were dust in their eyes. The sinner would not
 
 128 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 enjoy Heaven, it is said, or its beauties, but prefers 
 the dark region, the companionship of the cloven 
 foot, the lewd and the debauched ; so they preferred 
 the odor of decayed grain, putrid cheese, and the 
 rasping, squeaky voice of the scarlet woman, to the 
 heaven-inspiring notes of the nightingale, the pure, 
 invigorating air of the mountains and sweet incense 
 of the plants and flowers. 
 
 Abner enjoyed Golden Gate Park and some day 
 will pay it another visit. All are welcome even if 
 all do not appreciate or enjoy it, and with true, 
 liberal, open-hearted Western hospitality, without 
 money, without price, you can walk through from 
 one end to the other and no one will frown upon 
 you. The trees and the plants, as well as the par- 
 rots, sing out, " Welcome ;" Polly adds, " Glad to 
 see you, stranger; come in and see us." 
 
 Abner's experience with the pets in the park 
 created in him a desire -to see his own, and on the 
 following day he called at Mrs. Martin's, who kept 
 them for him, to see them. When Abner left Oak- 
 land for the East he left them in her care until he 
 returned. Now he was back again and ready to 
 take them home. All were well except the African 
 gray parrot, Dandy. He died a few months ago, 
 of grief after mother, as he always called Delilah. 
 Dandy was looked on, and he was the most intel- 
 ligent of birds; he could carry on a conversation 
 with a person as intelligently as the average citizen.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 129 
 
 He could spell words of three syllables, add three 
 lines of figures, knew simple multiplication, and 
 could easily tell a doctor when passing in the 
 street, from a minister. Several times was his 
 judgment put to the test by doctors and ministers. 
 He would always say, " Good bye, doctor," and 
 " Good bye, reverend sir," and never make a mis- 
 take, except the doctor left his medicine case at 
 home, and then Dandy could not tell the difference, 
 and all who wore a long black coat and did not 
 carry a medicine case were divines In Dandy's es- 
 timation. Once a friend of Abner's called at the 
 house to see Delilah when she was ill and Dandy 
 said, " Good morning, doctor." The doctor, to 
 test the parrot's intelligence, went out and came in 
 without his medicine case, when Dandy called to 
 him being in doubt whether he was a minister or 
 doctor, or both " You old rascal." The doctor 
 now was convinced that the medicine case was the 
 only thing that made the doctor, in Dandy's es- 
 timation, so, taking up his medicine case, he passed 
 Dandy's cage again, when Dandy said, " Good 
 bye, doctor." One day as Abner's cousin was talk- 
 ing to Dandy, she said, in fun to him, " You old 
 rascal," and Dandy, with an Irishman's wit said, 
 ' There are two of us." Dandy hated everyone but 
 mother, whom he loved with all his strength. After 
 she went East, the first morning he forced open his 
 cage door and wandered all over the house, look-
 
 130 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 ing into every nook and corner in search of her. 
 Coming into the dining-room where Abner was,j>vith 
 his wings down, he called Delilah several times, and 
 when no one answered him, he turned to Abner and 
 looking up in his face, asked, " Where is mother ? 
 Here is mother's boy," and he kissed mother several 
 times, that is, made a noise like Olga Nethersole does 
 when she is osculating on the stage. Abner now 
 put him back into his cage and tried to coax him 
 to eat, but he called " Mother " night and day, until 
 he left for the East and then Mrs. Martin took 
 charge of him. She says his grief for mother was 
 pitiful in the extreme; he would call all night for 
 mother to come to him. " Mother, come to your 
 boy; poor Dandy is sick, mother," but mother did 
 not come, nor did she care. Dandy died for her, 
 but she was living for herself alone. Mrs. Martin, 
 who was indeed a kind-hearted woman, did all she 
 could to cheer and comfort him, but like Rachel 
 of old, he refused to be comforted, for those he 
 loved deserted him and he was fast dying of a 
 broken heart. For weeks this kind woman tried 
 to save this marvelous bird, and would carry him 
 with affectionate care in her lap all day, but every 
 few minutes he would say, " Where is mother ? 
 Here is mother's boy," and repeat, " Poor Dandy 
 is sick, mother." Weeks passed, and months, and 
 this poor bird suffered tortures and at last he 
 died, Mrs. Martin's tears running down her face
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 131 
 
 as she held him gently in her hands. Dandy raised 
 his head and looked up in her face, and in his dying 
 breath asked, "Where is mother?" and as he 
 stretched out his neck and died the last sound that 
 came from him was, " Oh mother ! ". 
 
 Greater love hath no one than this, and like most 
 true love, it was wasted on a barren soul a soul 
 neither competent to reciprocate such love nor 
 worth one atom of such genuine true affection. 
 Dandy was mourned for, for several days and at 
 last was laid to rest by a friend of Abner's in his 
 own garden. He was buried like Sir John Moore, 
 at the dead of night, the sod with his whip-handle 
 turning, while the moon showed its misty light and 
 the lanterns dimly burning. Dandy was gone, and 
 all who knew him were sorry that he was no more. 
 He had several mourners, Abner and Mrs. Martin 
 being chief. He cost when young, one hundred and 
 sixty-three dollars, and a thousand wouldn't have 
 bought him. 
 
 When Abner now entered the room to see what 
 was left of his pets and to visit them, he walked 
 first over to Romeo, the splendid specimen oi 
 golden billed English blackbird, which was sing- 
 ing at the top of his voice. 
 
 " How do you do, Romeo ? " said Abner. Polly, 
 a double yellow head Mexican parrot answered in 
 impatient voice, " Talk first to the little girl, please ; 
 oh, talk to the little girl. Where is momma?
 
 132 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Dandy is dead. Poor Dandy is dead. Polly all 
 alone. Talk to the little girl. Polly's head itches 
 and she wants a cracker. Oh, do talk to the little 
 girl." 
 
 " I do not know how I can give them up," said 
 Mrs. Martin, " I am so attached to them ; leave 
 them to me for a few weeks more. I might then 
 be ready to give them up." 
 
 The blackbird was whistling his beautiful song 
 and the skylark from Erin's Isle was pouring out 
 his soul as he danced along the front of his cage 
 when he recognized his kind master's voice. Abner 
 spent several hours with them; their presence 
 reminded him of the days when he and Delilah 
 and all their pets lived happily together. That 
 was before too much brother-in-law entered the 
 home. 
 
 As Abner walked down Market Street to the 
 boat he met an old friend, W. D. McArthur, whole- 
 sale commission merchant of San Francisco, who, 
 like Abner, was an enthusiastic sportsman. 
 
 " Good morning, Mr. L'Estrange." 
 
 " Good morning, Mr. McArthur." 
 
 The greeting over, they walked together on to 
 the boat Piedmont, bound for Oakland. Seating 
 themselves on the backward, or shy end, of the 
 floating palace, they exchanged yarns about the 
 inhabitants of the plains, prairies, mountains, 
 canyons, rocks, oceans, lakes, rivers and brooks.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 133 
 
 Abner told all his experience with rod, reel and gun 
 in Canada and the Rocky Mountains, and William 
 told some hair-curling experiences with ducks, 
 geese and other game, which he hunted on the 
 placid waters of the Pacific. While they were 
 thus engaged, a hoary-headed, dignified divine of 
 three-score years, came on the boat and sat opposite 
 them. His English whiskers, floated by the ocean's 
 zephyrs, looked like a gray squirrel's tail on thq 
 mountain side, and like that rodent, he was not 
 long there without a mate, for in a few minutes 
 along came Miss Wesley, a maiden lady of uncer- 
 tain age, with her lanigerous face and hair hanging 
 down on the side of it in coils like the ends of a 
 ship rope. Her nose was fashioned after the omen 
 on the English sun dial ; her chin was like the 
 field spike of a surveyor's helper, and her com- 
 plexion told most vividly her nationality and ante- 
 cedents, while the wrinkles in her face, like the 
 niches in a cow's horn, show how many times she 
 had seen old Sol in the zenith of his power. 
 
 " Good morning, dear Canon," she said with a 
 smile that looked like an Irish donkey eating 
 thistles. " Oh, I am delighted to see you. Matilda 
 wanted me to wait until tomorrow to make this 
 visit to cousin Louisa, but something told me to 
 do it today, and now I am so glad I am here to 
 meet our dear pastor." 
 
 " Well, I am sure," said his reverence, " it is a
 
 134 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 pleasant surprise for your spiritual adviser to meet 
 you or any of his flock." 
 
 This did not sound right to the ears of this 
 ambitious lady of fifty-six summers. 
 
 " I do not like the words ' any of his flock,' " she 
 said, as loud as she could in her own mind. Wish- 
 ing, though, to make as much of her time as pos- 
 sible, she moved close to the object of her heart's 
 desire. 
 
 " Some talk about you being elected bishop by 
 the Southern diocese, isn't there?" 
 
 " Yes, my friends are trying to make me accept 
 the call, but I am undecided, as yet." 
 
 " Well, we will miss you, dear, so much," she 
 said, her face all aglow with love and delight, as 
 she threw her long arms around his neck. As she 
 did so, one of her long curls struck him in the face, 
 and as he believes in eluding punishment or suffer- 
 ing of any kind, he dodged his head to the other 
 side, where he was met by the other appendix. By 
 this time she had his face covered with kisses and 
 would have seated herself on his knees had he not 
 drawn them in. In the excitement she let her 
 handkerchief fall on his lap, and looking around, 
 she discovered a lady friend sitting on the opposite 
 side. 
 
 With a bow, she said : " That is my dear 
 friend, Miss Carpenter, from Berkeley. How do 
 you do," and both met with a crash, for their
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 135 
 
 osculations lacked the gentleness, softness and 
 sweetness of youth. " I haven't seen you in so 
 long, so long, so long; remember I haven't seen 
 you since we met at Miss Wood's blue tea." 
 
 The divine, who sat hors de combat, was recover- 
 ing from the shock and commenced straightening 
 out his clothing, when his celestial orbs fell on the 
 handkerchief on his lap. His knees trembled, his 
 side whiskers shook like a lamb's tail, his face, here- 
 tofore pale, now was crimson. 
 
 The ladies on the boat turned their faces to 
 watch the other cannon on Uncle Sam's fort. The 
 men watched the wild duck as they skimmed over 
 the water. The poor sky pilot, thinking It was 
 part of his surplice, commenced to put in in place, 
 and after a while, he succeeded in making an 
 eclipse, but not before all had seen his efforts to 
 right what he thought was wrong. 
 
 After a while, Abner looked at the bashful 
 divine and in a sympathetic voice, said : 
 
 " Doctor, that's beautiful scenery, look out the 
 Golden Gate." 
 
 " Very fi-fi-fine," said he, with trembling lips. 
 
 Miss Wesley had tired of her lady friend by this 
 time, and with stately step she walked towards 
 her pastor and dear friend. 
 
 " Well, dear pastor, I had to come back to you, 
 I love to be with you so much. What did you do
 
 136 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 with my handkerchief, dear? Did you put it in 
 your pocket ? " 
 
 The aged divine's face now grew inches in 
 length and the color on his cheeks changed again 
 to the deepest crimson. He played nervously with 
 his watch chain and emblem of his calling which 
 hung from his seamless vest. 
 
 " No, Miss Wesley, I did not." 
 
 " Well, dear, let me have it ; I need it so much, 
 on account of a cold I took in San Francisco." 
 
 The poor old man now realized what he had 
 done and he was in a terrible strait. Was that her 
 handkerchief he had stowed away, instead of part 
 of his under-surplice ? "I could give It to her if 
 she would only look out the other way," he thought, 
 but she lovingly looked into his eyes, for she under- 
 stood his actions as symptoms of love's frolics. 
 " Now," thought he to himself, " if I deny I have 
 it, all will know I tell an untruth; what can I do? 
 If I keep it, she will read it as a sign I love her 
 and wish to keep it as a remembrance of her, and 
 she will expect me to marry her, and you know 
 she and her people are poor, and there is Miss 
 Orchid who is rich in this world's goods, as well 
 as beautiful to look on; I love her; she will be 
 mine," he said, with a grin of satisfaction on his 
 face. " I must therefore give Miss Wesley her 
 handkerchief. I will ask her, in fun, to turn her
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 137 
 
 back on me for a moment ; then I can resurrect the 
 wiper and she can have it, with my blessing. 
 
 " Miss Wesley, please turn your back toward 
 me; I want to see what is that hanging on your 
 dress," said Nebuchadnezzar. 
 
 The love-sick old maid would be delighted to 
 have stood on her head if he had asked her. 
 Straightening herself up she stood right in front of 
 him. 
 
 " Now is my opportunity," he said, and with the 
 alacrity of a young deer he drew from its hiding 
 place the handkerchief and handed it to her with a 
 loving smile, which he worked up for the occasion, 
 closed his impromptu pocket and was in peace once 
 more. All on board were glad to see the poor old 
 man out of his dilemma. His face and magnificent, 
 as well as sublime, side whiskers waved with un- 
 alloyed joy, and they who, for the last thirty min- 
 utes, watched the wild duck on its flight over the 
 deep, and they who, at once became so Intensely 
 interested in Uncle Sam's fort, exchanged glances 
 at one another and laughed at the thought of the 
 poor, absent-minded old man's experience. 
 
 Now the ferryboat reached the dock, and all 
 moved up the gang plank and were walking on 
 their way to the train. The old man, who evidently 
 was a Republican and believed in the doctrines of 
 protection but not reciprocity asked Miss Wesley 
 what train she would take.
 
 138 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " I am going to Oakland," she said. " I will 
 take that train," pointing to the Oakland train. 
 
 " Well," said he, " I am going to Berkeley ; good 
 bye," and he raised his coltotha to the summit of 
 his cranium and was gone. 
 
 " Well," said Miss Wesley, " isn't the doctor 
 the dearest, sweetest man on earth ? " 
 
 " I wonder," said her friend, " when he changed 
 his mind. He told me in San Francisco he was 
 going to see some friends in Oakland ; now he has 
 taken the train for Berkeley." 
 
 Abner and his friend selected a seat just behind 
 the one occupied by Miss Wesley and her friend, 
 and as they sat there they heard the would-be little 
 girl talking about the dear doctor to -her friend. 
 After a while she drew her companion toward her 
 and said in pseudo bashful tones, pretending to be 
 as much frightened as a lonely quail that had just 
 escaped the hunter's careless aim, " The doctor 
 wants me to be his wife; for pity's sake don't tell 
 anybody about it, for they would tease me so. I 
 haven't made up my mind yet, whether I" shall take 
 him or not. You know I am an orphan. My 
 mother died when I was young and I have no one 
 to ask advice of. I believe, also, the doctor is an 
 orphan." 
 
 The crocodile tears now flowed like a mighty 
 Volga down her wrinkled cheeks, and amid sobs, 
 she continued:
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 139 
 
 " I do not know what answer to give him." 
 " Well, when did he pop the question ? " 
 " What do you mean? " 
 " When did he ask you to marry him ? " 
 " Oh, my ; you don't know what love is ; love is 
 like wireless telegraphy; it flies without wings, 
 words or wire; it raises itself on pinnacles and 
 slides into hearts whose souls are prepared to 
 receive it a heart as soft as jelly, and in as high 
 a state of cultivation as an onion bed ; there it 
 amalgamates with its destiny. Now they are one," 
 and she hugs her old-fashioned umbrella. " Do 
 you understand it? It's perfectly lovely too 
 sweet for anything," and her ring curls move like 
 a cat's tail when she is about to spring upon her 
 victim, as she sang the words of Southey: 
 " They sin who tell us love can die, 
 With life, all other passions fly, 
 All others are but vanity. 
 In heaven, ambition cannot dwell, 
 Nor avarice in the vaults of hell. 
 Earthly these passions of the earth 
 They perish where they have their birth. 
 But love is indestructible; 
 Its holy flame forever burneth, 
 From heaven it came, to heaven returneth, 
 To waft on earth a troubled guest, 
 At times, deceived, at times, oppressed ; 
 It there is tried and purified,
 
 140 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 Then hath in heaven its perfect rest. 
 It soweth here with toil and care, 
 But the harvest time of love is there." 
 
 " No, I don't think I do, if that is love. I have 
 never had such experience," said Miss Michael. 
 " Wasn't there some talk of the doctor marrying 
 Miss Cooper ? " 
 
 "Oh no; he just treated her kindly because he 
 wished her to play the organ in his church, without 
 pay. I am the only one he has ever loved since his 
 wife died." 
 
 " Has he ever written to you ? " 
 
 " Oh yes." 
 
 " Well, does he say dear or dearest in his letter 
 to you ? " 
 
 " Well, he addresses me in both terms," and she 
 drew from her pocket a letter to back up her state- 
 ment, and, scanning it over, she said : 
 
 " In this one he says ' dear ' once and * dearest ' 
 three times. What does that show ? " 
 
 " Well, my dear child, that shows you are on 
 the inside track. Then look out Miss Cooper doesn't 
 switch you off." , 
 
 This tickled the child of fifty-six winters, and in 
 her delight she grew as frolicsome as a lamb in 
 springtime, and handed the letter to her companion 
 to read: 
 
 " THE RECTORY, 5 :io p. M. 
 
 " DEAR Miss WESLEY : I wish you would see the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 141 
 
 colored man and have him sweep off the sidewalk 
 in front of the church tomorrow. Miss Woods 
 thinks the flowers are beautiful and reasonable, but 
 I think they are the dearest considering the quality 
 we ever had. I called on Mrs. Harper yesterday 
 and she has the dearest and sweetest baby I have 
 ever seen. She will show you how to dust off the 
 chancel Saturday. I suppose you have heard the 
 vestry favor reducing the outlay on flowers and 
 think cheaper ones could be made to answer, but I 
 think the dearest are none too good for the sacred 
 edifice. 
 
 " Hoping you will attend to this, I remain, 
 
 " Yours, etc., 
 
 " J. F. SELKIRK." 
 
 " Now, Miss Michael, you see he uses ' dearest ' 
 three times in that letter, and ' dear ' once, and 
 signs himself ' Yours.' Now cannot you read, and 
 reading, understand ? " 
 
 Miss Michael did not know what to say, so, look- 
 ing out the window, asked : 
 
 " Is this the car for Piedmont ? " pointing to a 
 car going up Oakland Avenue. 
 
 Now they were in front of Miss Michael's aunt's 
 house, with whom she stopped, and both got off the 
 car, each shaking the corkscrew curls as they 
 stepped from hill to hill in order to escape the mud. 
 Soon in the house they prepared for lunch, which
 
 142 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 consisted of one-half cracker and a glass of Pied- 
 mont spring water. The sumptuous meal over, the 
 dishes were removed and Miss Michael introduced 
 Loftus, her pet cat, to the visitor, with the remark : 
 " Loftus will not stay home ; he is all the time at 
 his neighbors." 
 
 "Well, isn't he fat?" 
 
 " Oh, yes, and I don't know what he lives on." 
 Miss Wesley after much thought, said : 
 " I wish I knew what answer to give the doctor 
 tomorrow. He may ask me to decide. What 
 would you say if you were in my place ? " 
 
 " I do not know, really, what I would do under 
 the circumstances. I'll tell you one thing I am 
 not struck on clergymen as husbands ; I don't think 
 they are good investments, and daily they are grow- 
 ing poorer. I think it is only a matter of time when 
 all the churches will be turned into lodge rooms and 
 club houses. Look at the change in the last few 
 years. In mother's day, women stayed home and 
 attended to the wants of their children and hus- 
 bands ; now they are on the platform and in the club 
 house and treat their children like the modern hen 
 which uses the incubator for her young, instead of 
 the old style of hatching and scratching for them. 
 I tell you the lodge room and women's club house 
 will soon undermine the churches, and like Oliver 
 Cromwell with the king, they will turn them out 
 and take their place ; out they go as did Barebone's
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 143 
 
 Parliament. Since Christianity was founded, its 
 principal supporters were the mothers and daughters 
 of the world. They were confined at their homes 
 all week, caring for their families, and were heartily 
 glad when Sunday came and gave them an oppor- 
 tunity to go out and mingle with people. The 
 Church gave them this opportunity and they 
 appreciated it; consequently they supported it 
 with all the means, energy and influence at 
 their command; they then had only two duties to 
 perform : one to their church and the other to their 
 homes and families. Now, the real modern woman, 
 the simon-pure, up-to-date, instead of wearing long 
 clothes to cover her feet, she wears short, divided 
 skirts and heavy shoes like a man's ; she is president 
 of the woman's club, secretary of a ladies' golf club, 
 attends lectures on how to cook and dress reform; 
 she is the theoretical and mannish woman of modern 
 times, the supporter of the divorce courts, the 
 neglector of the home and children, the wife who 
 studies cooking by books and lectures, and compels 
 her husband to practice it at home for himself and 
 children while she is out on her bike with her neigh- 
 bor's best-looking son. I tell you, Miss Wesley, 
 that churches are not the style to day, and ministers 
 are not the catch they used to be in grandma's 
 time." 
 
 Miss Wesley was getting a little color in her face,
 
 144 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 her eyes were flashing fire, and with emphasis, she 
 said: 
 
 " The modern woman may neglect her home and 
 children. Like the hen that uses the incubator, she 
 may turn her back on the church and long dresses 
 and light, fine shoes for the mannish last, the divided 
 skirt, the lodge room and club house. All will do 
 in youth, but look where she will be in old and 
 feeble age. Her children in infancy were cast aside 
 by her for the rostrum and club house and brought 
 up by others. They will not love her or care for 
 her; her husband's love has grown cold, through 
 her harshness and neglect. Her former companions 
 and associates of the club house care nothing for 
 her now. They sang in the branches of her pros- 
 perity, now they read moral lectures on the dunghill 
 of her misfortune. She sees no celestial future, 
 only the blackest despair and darkness of the grave 
 and narrow tomb. There, she ends ; that is her ter- 
 minus forever. Contrast that with a true and fond 
 mother like Mrs. Armstrong, of Washington, D. C., 
 who gave her life and best labors to her husband 
 and children. They were her joy, and to help them 
 was her chief delight. She made them happy, and 
 in their happiness she was glad. No club house had 
 the attraction for her that her home and family had ; 
 no lodge room gave her the comfort which she 
 received in the house of her Lord and Saviour, into 
 whose courts she took her family. She always said :
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 145 
 
 " The dearest spot on earth to me 
 Is what Wrighton describes it to be 
 
 Home, sweet home. 
 The fairyland I long to see, 
 
 Is home, sweet home. 
 There how charm the sense of hearing, 
 There where love is so endearing, 
 All the world is not so cheering, 
 
 As home, sweet home. 
 I've taught my heart the way to prize 
 
 My home, sweet home. 
 I've learned to look with lover's eyes 
 
 On home, sweet home. 
 There, where vows are truly plighted, 
 There, where hearts are so united, 
 All the world beside I've slighted, 
 
 For Home, sweet home." 
 
 And now that her end is not far distant and sick- 
 ness and years tell their story, she is surrounded and 
 ministered to by her grateful and devoted children, 
 who bless her in their strength and aid her in her 
 weakness, comfort her in her pain and cheer her in 
 her loneliness, and well might the writer say of her, 
 " Friend of my better days, none knew thee but 
 would love thee; none saw thee but would thee 
 praise.' Be it days, weeks, months or years before 
 the final summons is issued and she hears the words, 
 ' Well done, thou good and faithful servant, enter 
 thou into the joy of thy Lord.' When the end
 
 146 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 comes, be it sooner or later, it will be exchanging 
 this life for a blissful eternity. She believed not 
 in the club that would leave her at the grave, but in 
 Christ and His Church that go with her through 
 the dark valley of the shadow of death and whispers 
 in her ears, ' Fear no evil for I am with thee, my rod 
 and staff comfort thee.' Now, Miss Michael," she 
 continued, " if I think tomorrow or next day, as I 
 do now, and the doctor presses the question, I will 
 most assuredly say yes." 
 
 " All right, Miss Wesley, come out for a walk," 
 and as they strolled over the fields, Miss Wesley 
 thought only of the doctor, and Miss Michael of 
 both. They spent one or two hours in the open 
 air, and both felt better for it. They retired early 
 in order to take advantage of the beauty hours of 
 sleep, and next day they were fresh and cheerful. 
 
 Miss Michael handed Miss Wesley the morning 
 paper, and she read it, when all at once her eyeballs 
 shot out like a savage tiger's, and after a few ges- 
 ticulations and frenzied movements, she fell off in a 
 swoon. 
 
 Miss Michael seeing her, thought she had an 
 epileptic fit, rushed to her assistance, and raising 
 her up gently, asked what was the matter. No 
 answer ; she asked again. Miss Wesley now looked 
 up in her face and clutched violently on the paper. 
 
 " Some friend of her's dead," exclaimed Miss 
 Michael, " and I must see who it is." So she tried
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 147 
 
 to get the paper from her, but she could not. She 
 held on to it with all her force, clutching it like a 
 vise. After a little, she relaxed her hold on it, and 
 it fell in a crumpled mass on the floor. Miss 
 Michael took it up and looked at it, and the first 
 thing that met her gaze was an article in double- 
 leaded type, headed : " Marriage in high life. 
 Youth and old age join hand in hand. Dr. Selkirk 
 of Christ Church, San Francisco, married last even- 
 ing to the young, beautiful and wealthy heiress of 
 John E. Orchid, Esq., at her father's home on Atlan- 
 tic Avenue, Berkeley. The ceremony was per- 
 formed by the Bishop of the diocese; the presents 
 were costly and numerous. The bride, a belle of 
 twenty summers, wore a gray traveling dress and 
 carried in her hand a prayer book. The happy 
 couple after a wedding breakfast was served, left on 
 the Southern Pacific for the South and the kingdom 
 of the Chrysanthemum. The bride will be at home 
 after November first, Tuesdays, at the Parish House, 
 San Francisco. They left amid showers of rice, old 
 shoes and good wishes." 
 
 " Well, wasn't he mean ? " said Miss Michael, " to 
 deceive you so ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't care if he is married, I had my 
 answer made up; it was to refuse him. I thought 
 over what you told me about Miss Cooper and just 
 made up my mind I wouldn't give my precious 
 young heart to any man who flirted, so I was going
 
 148 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 to tell you this morning that I would positively 
 refuse him. I meant to tell you at the breakfast 
 table. One thing I will tell you, that he'll look 
 after his colored man and the dusting of his church 
 in future. I am through. I'll never trust another 
 old softsoap again. Miss Michael, can you see 
 what Miss Orchid could see in him and his side- 
 board whiskers, anyway ? " 
 
 " Oh, what a lovely parrot your neighbor, Mrs. 
 Martin, has. Hear what she says, ' Talk to the lit- 
 tle girl.' Hello, Polly, hello. Miss Wesley walked 
 over to where Polly was and said, " Pretty bird." 
 
 Polly said, " How is the old maid ? " 
 
 " Oh, you naughty bird, good-bye," and Polly 
 said with emphasis, " Good-bye, good-bye," as Miss 
 Wesley took the car for the San Francisco ferry 
 boat, where she and her corkscrew curls were lost 
 for a while in the scramble of that busy city. 
 
 Miss Michael pretended to be a manhater and a 
 believer in divided skirts, women's rights and all 
 modern improvements, but at last fell a victim to 
 cupid's darts which were deliberately aimed and 
 fired at her by James Gorden, the millionaire miner. 
 She is now a convert to the happy home. Lectures 
 on clubs have no attractions for her. She sings to 
 her husband, " Where Thou Art Is Home to Me, 
 and Home Without Thee Cannot Be." 
 
 " What are you going to do Sunday, Abner," said 
 William.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 149 
 
 " Going to church, of course." 
 
 " Well, where will we go ? Dr. Selkirk will 
 preach his first sermon tomorrow since his mar- 
 riage and wedding trip. Let us hear what he has 
 to say, and also see how he stood the voyage and 
 journey." 
 
 " All right, I'll be ready." 
 
 Sunday came and both started for San Francisco. 
 When they got there the church was packed to the 
 door to see the bride as well as to hear what account 
 the groom could give of himself and his travels. 
 Abner waited until all got seated, then he and sweet 
 William were shown into the minister's seat and the 
 beautiful, blushing bride welcomed them with an 
 angelic bow and the quintessence of a honeyed 
 smile. William, seeing that was the only place 
 where a seat was possible, walked fast so as to get 
 in ahead of Abner in order to sit with his wing next 
 the bride, but Abner, though slow in his movements, 
 showed his good judgment by piloting himself on 
 the right side, consequently, he was first into the 
 seat. After being seated, he stooped his head in 
 prayer. William followed his example in bowing 
 his head and counted up to twenty-five, then they 
 were ready for service. 
 
 After a while, could be heard in the distance the 
 voices of the choir sounding like angels' visits, and 
 they soon materialized with the poor old doctor 
 bringing up the rear. He presented a sorry spec-
 
 150 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 tacle. It was old age trying to look young. With 
 bowed head, stooped shoulders and feeble tread, he 
 continued the journey to his place, with an expres- 
 sion on his face and his dilapidated carriage, he 
 reminded us of one who had almost run his race. 
 He brought back to Abner's mind most vividly, the 
 appearance of the celebrated race horse Imp after 
 her defeat at Saratoga by Blues. His eyeballs stuck 
 out like knots on a pine tree, and his under chin 
 rested on his surplice. 
 
 William and Abner looked on him with pity, and 
 remarked that the Oriental climate was too warm 
 for him. The assistant now commenced the service, 
 and the old divine answered the responses with the 
 congregation in a weak and tremulous voice. When 
 the assistant commenced to read the lesson for the 
 day, the old man sat down more emphatic than 
 graceful. When it came to his turn, he looked over 
 the congregation with that expression on his face, 
 " If I am so soon to be done for, what was I begun 
 for." He would not shirk his duty, and when the 
 notices for the following week were handed to him, 
 he read them in almost an inaudible voice. The first 
 notice read was, " Ladies' Guild will meet at 3 p.m., 
 Tuesday, at Mrs. West's." "The sisters of the 
 Church will meet the ladies of the congregation at 
 the Sunday-school to see what steps are necessary 
 to take to aid the foreign mission board. Now 
 there is one thing I wish to impress on you, and it
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 151 
 
 is this : The infant orphans of the Church have been 
 neglected in the past, but now Mrs. Selkirk has 
 started a little mother's society to care for the dear 
 little ones, and all unmarried ladies and widows are 
 invited to join. Now, all the young ladies and 
 others who wish to become little mothers will meet 
 at the rectory at 6 p.m., Thursday afternoon, when 
 the usual offering will be made. Let us sing hymn 
 number 427." 
 
 " What's the matter with the doctor today ? He 
 is all mixed up," said William. 
 
 The old divine now mounted the pulpit and read 
 his text from Proverbs, Chapter III, Verses xv., 
 xviii and xxvii. His movements were eloquent, but 
 his voice could not be heard beyond the first row of 
 seats. His young wife, seeing his predicament, 
 hung her head. He closed with an eloquent appeal 
 to the congregation to love one another as Christ 
 hath loved his Church, and then turning, as usual, 
 he closed, and walking from the pulpit almost unno- 
 ticed into the vestry where he breathed his last. 
 Doctors were hastily summoned, but his soul had 
 winged its flight to the God that gave it, and his 
 body lay limp and dead upon the floor. 
 
 The congregation were notified that their beloved 
 pastor had died in the harness of his Lord and Mas- 
 ter, and the tears that flowed down the faces of the 
 congregation told more loudly than words can speak 
 how much they loved him.
 
 152 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 The days of mourning being over, all that was 
 left of him was consigned to the tender keeping of 
 mother earth in Oakland cemetery. All sympa- 
 thized with the kind, affectionate and beautiful 
 young widow as she followed in tears, all that 
 remained of her beloved husband to its last resting 
 place. The sun shone brightly and tenderly upon 
 the coffin as they lowered it down into the grave, 
 and as the minister repeated the words, " Ashes to 
 ashes, dust to dust," the grave diggers poured on the 
 clay and soon mother earth had him in her embrace. 
 The place that heretofore knew him would know 
 him no more. Few there were at the grave who did 
 not shed tears, as the young widow stood gazing 
 down into the grave. As each shovel of clay was 
 put upon the coffin, she wet it with her tears, and 
 genuine and heartfelt were they, and many indeed 
 were her sympathizers when she turned her back 
 on the little mound that showed the place where her 
 partner of six months was laid. She walked with 
 a slow step towards her carriage, resting on the arm 
 of her father. Now in the carriage, they were soon 
 back in the paternal home where she was truly wel- 
 comed by her fond mother. In the quietness of 
 her chamber, she mourned her loss. She hid her 
 sorrows like all who feel true grief. She preferred 
 the lonely chamber to public sympathy, while her 
 noble soul was not blind to public feeling. 
 
 Miss Wesley severed her connections with the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 153 
 
 church and became a full-fledged Methodist ; never- 
 theless, she was a true Christian and a good worker 
 in the cause. She presided over the Ladies' Foreign 
 Mission Club, and taught the junior class in Sun- 
 day-school. Her kind and unselfish disposition soon 
 gathered around her a number of true friends, 
 among them, the pastor, the Rev. J. M. Berg. He 
 was a widower of sixty-two winters. He took great 
 delight and pleasure in escorting Miss Wesley home. 
 He pointed out to her the beauties of the field, flow- 
 ers and plants, and after a few months, popped the 
 question, not in the same manner as Dr. Selkirk, but 
 in the common, ordinary, every-day words of " Will 
 you be mine for better or worse ? " And she, with 
 true bashfulness, exclaimed, " Oh, so sudden ; 
 please let me dream over it tonight, and I will give 
 you an answer in the morning." 
 
 He bid her good-bye and said he hoped her guar- 
 dian angel would suggest to her to accept. She did 
 not wait to consult angel or archangel, for " yes " 
 had reverberated from toes to brain chamber and 
 back again. " I think I was foolish," she said, " I 
 should have said ' yes ' at once. His love may catch 
 cold in the night air and die before morning from 
 pneumonia. How would it be to write him a note ? 
 I'll do it at once," and she penned the following: 
 
 " Rev. J. M. Berg, 
 
 " MY DEAR PRECIOUS : Feeling you would not
 
 154 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 rest well on account of me putting you off until 
 tomorrow, my heart is with you, and what is left 
 with me suggests that I send to you these words 
 which give my soul delight, and I hope your dear 
 soul, joy. My answer is YES. With undying and 
 undivided love, I am now and forever will be, 
 
 " Yours for better, 
 
 WESLEY." 
 
 The fifteenth of June was the day set apart for the 
 wedding. Miss Wesley called in her dressmaker 
 and asked her if she could make her look handsome 
 as well as young. The dressmaker looked at the 
 skeleton before her and said, " With the aid of some 
 wire and cotton batten and some nice cloth, I can 
 build your body up. Your face, you will have to 
 submit to the artist, as I haven't had any experience 
 in that part of the anatomy." They worked for 
 days on the dresses, letting out here and taking in 
 there, letting down at the waist, cutting off at the 
 bottom. At last perfection was reached and the 
 model stood erect on the floor a pretty fair sample 
 of womanhood. 
 
 " I wish now the wedding day was nearer ; I can 
 scarcely wait until then to show my dress." 
 
 The door bell now rang and the doctor came in 
 answer to her summons sent out the night before. 
 
 " Doctor, what will I do to take those wrinkles 
 out of my face and put blooming youth instead ? "
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 155 
 
 " Hold your head over a pot of boiling water for 
 twenty- four hours twenty- four hours before the 
 ceremony." 
 
 " I'll do it, doctor," and in an hour she was sitting 
 with covered head over the water. Patience was 
 put to the test during these weary hours, but she 
 was looking to a bright future and they only seemed 
 as moments. When the time was up, she uncovered 
 her face and she could scarcely recognize her former 
 self. She now retired to bed for a little rest and 
 soon was fast asleep, dreaming of the transition 
 from oldmaidism to wedded life. 
 
 Next morning she got up as spry as a kitten and 
 commenced to put her things in order. Exposure 
 to the cold air brought neuralgia to her face and 
 soon it was as smooth as sweet sixteen. She cared 
 not for the agony ; looks, not ease she was after. 
 The wedding morning came and she jumped out of 
 bed, to find it was the moon was making the light 
 and not the sun. She retired again, only to jump 
 out at four o'clock. Time never flew past her as 
 slowly as now. She would willingly have hurried 
 old Father Time along if -she could. While she was 
 in dreamland, the hour came for breakfast. The 
 bell rang and she skipped, like a three-months'-old 
 lamb, to the dining room. Seated at the table, she 
 asked for a cup of coffee. In her excitement, she 
 used salt for sugar, then put the butter into the
 
 156 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 coffee and poured all out on the bread on the table. 
 
 " You're excited, my dear." 
 
 " I know I am," she said, with a radiant smile 
 upon her face, for now coming events were casting 
 their shadows before. 
 
 Her dressmaker and maid now awaited her and 
 soon commenced to construct her. She was ready. 
 The dressmaker, as a preliminary to collecting her 
 bill, puckered her mouth and said, " Anybody would 
 fall in love with you now, Miss Wesley. It doesn't 
 cost much to make one of respectable lineage look 
 well. A lady born will always look nice." 
 
 " How much is your bill, Miss Burns ? " 
 
 " Only a hundred and fifty dollars. I'll give you 
 a detailed statement, if you wish. I wouldn't ask it 
 from you now, only I am superstitious about a per- 
 son getting married in clothes that are not paid for. 
 I wish you a bright and happy future, and that is 
 my reason for urging you to pay the bill now." 
 
 The bill was paid, being about five times what it 
 ought to be, but the dressmaker understood Miss 
 Wesley's weakness and played upon her. 
 
 The hour for going to the church was now at 
 hand, as also the carriages to convey the bride, 
 bridesmaid and guests to the church, where the 
 groom and his best man awaited them. The Rev. 
 William Best, uncle to the groom, performed the 
 ceremony. As the giddy and happy pair left the 
 church amidst the good wishes of the congregation
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 157 
 
 and friends, they slipped on the sidewalk. His teeth 
 rattled over the stones, while her hair flew in the 
 wind. What was left of them got into the carriage 
 and were driven to the Southern Pacific, where they 
 took the train for the East. The teeth and hair 
 were sent by mail, care of the Waldorf Astoria, New 
 York City. On their way to the metropolis they 
 visited several places of interest, but the one that 
 impressed Mrs. Berg most, was the mighty Falls of 
 Niagara. 
 
 After five days they reached the capital of the 
 Empire State, where they put up at the Tenyick. 
 Next morning they visited the Capitol, listened to 
 the senators and assemblymen as they wrangled over 
 appropriation bills; took the day boat for New 
 York, where they enjoyed the scenery of the Rhine 
 of America. Arriving at the Waldorf Astoria, like 
 all good people, they met what had gone before. 
 Each claimed their own and now that they were man 
 and woman again, they felt more at ease. While 
 in New York they visited several places of interest, 
 among them, the art gallery and the aquarium. 
 Next day they took the Pennsylvania railroad for 
 the nation's capital. They called on the hero of 
 San Juan Hill, saw Mark Hanna, and the colored 
 son of Africa who risked his life in his effort to save 
 the late lamented President from the dastardly hand 
 of the assassin. Corcoran Art Gallery and all the 
 Government buildings were taken in their turn.
 
 158 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 They wound up in the Smithsonian Institute, and 
 from there, took the Pennsylvania & Canadian 
 Pacific, for home, where a reception Was tendered 
 them by the congregation. Now they were at home, 
 they commenced once more their church work. 
 
 Abner and his friend chanced in to an experience 
 meeting and were much amused as well as benefited, 
 by what they saw and heard. Each member in turn 
 was asked to repeat their favorite verse in the Bible. 
 When it came to Mrs. Berg, she said, with bowed 
 head, " O Lord, suffer little children to come unto 
 me." 
 
 Abner remained in Los Angeles for two years, 
 spending his summer months in the mountains and 
 Saratoga. One day as he sat upon a cliff, writing 
 a description of the landscape before him, two young 
 ladies came near with a camera and took a snapshot 
 of him and the rock he was sitting on. Abner, as 
 usual, was too bashful and too full of French eti- 
 quette to move or speak, but the gray matter under 
 his hair was kept busy trying to guess who they 
 were and what was their object. For months he 
 pondered over the incident, but could arrive at no 
 definite conclusion. A little later in the season he 
 was introduced by the proprietor of the hotel to two 
 young ladies whom he recognized as the camera 
 fiends. One was the young widow of the late Dr. 
 Selkirk, and the other was Miss Britta Web, elocu- 
 tionist, from Toronto, Canada. Mrs. Selkirk recog-
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 159 
 
 nized Abner at once as the gentleman who sat in the 
 pew with her on the fateful day when her husband 
 breathed his last. 
 
 They in a short time became fast friends and wan- 
 dered along through glen and dale, over crag and 
 canyon, drinking of the pure waters of Mount 
 Shasta and breathing the invigorating air of the 
 hillside. 
 
 Abner was very anxious to find out if she had a 
 brother, for his dread of too much brother-in-law 
 was well founded. He hadn't the courage to ask 
 her if she had one, but kept beating about the bush. 
 
 One day he would ask her, " Will your brother 
 come for you? " and she would answer " No." 
 
 Next day during their conversation, he would 
 sandwich the query, " Did your brother come for 
 you last week ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 Next day he would beat about the bush again, and 
 ask, " Did your brother come here with you ? " 
 
 " No, father did." 
 
 Abner was in mortal agony for fear that she had a 
 brother, for he felt he was desperately in love with 
 her, but would not think of allowing it to go too far 
 before he found out whether she had a brother or 
 not, and if she had, it would be all over between 
 them. They were now always together and wan- 
 dered over hill and dale talking sense and nonsense. 
 
 One June morning as they walked up the moun-
 
 160 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 tain side a lady and gentleman on horseback rode 
 past. Mrs. Selkirk recognized the lady and said : 
 
 " How do you do, Miss Helen ? " 
 
 The gentleman, recognizing the voice, turned in 
 his saddle and said, " Good morning." 
 
 " Good morning, Brother Wilson," responded 
 Mrs. Selkirk. 
 
 This sounded like a thunderbolt to Abner and his 
 heart fell " with a dull, sickening thud," and lay on 
 his shoestrings for almost a year. 
 
 They spent that day upon the mountains, shooting 
 squirrel and cotton-tail. In the evening they 
 returned to the hotel. After dinner they went out 
 for a walk, but did not mention the brother question 
 again. The following morning she got ready and 
 took the train back to Berkeley. Abner stayed 
 there until October, when he went to Los Angeles, 
 looking forward to the June morning when he would 
 come back to Mount Shasta and meet the lady of his 
 choice. She was indeed, beautiful to look on, as 
 well as affable and genial in manner, kind-hearted 
 a true soul. 
 
 Abner was a widower over four years, Delilah 
 having died of enlargement of the heart in Oakland, 
 California, almost five years before. Mrs. Selkirk 
 was three years a widow and in her twenty-fourth 
 year. Her mother died in the fall and her father 
 the following spring, consequently she was alone. 
 
 Abner's visits now grew more frequent, and it was
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 161 
 
 rumored they were to be married the following 
 June, but one June wedding was enough for Abner. 
 It was in the beautiful month of roses that his first 
 entangling alliance was executed, and at that time 
 he got such a severe poultice of brother-in-law's 
 affection that " no June for him." Mrs. Selkirk's 
 aunt died suddenly and it was put off till the fall. 
 
 After spending the summer in the mountains, 
 Abner could not go back to Los Angeles without 
 calling on his friends, Mr. and Mrs. M. T. House, 
 Mr. William D. McArthur, Mrs. McArthur, Mar- 
 guerite, and the baby, for he remembered their kind- 
 ness to him when he was ill and alone, and gratitude 
 was one of Abner's principal traits. When there 
 he also visited the game haunts on the Contra Costa 
 mountains. 
 
 It was on one of those visits that he got into 
 trouble with the fish and game commissioner. He 
 was charged with shooting quail out of season. 
 Abner did not intend to violate the law. His viola- 
 tion was a mere accident. 
 
 This day the sun was shining with all its strength 
 on the grassy mountain sides, and as Abner walked 
 along the slope of the " summit " he saw a rabbit 
 dash out of a small brush in front of him. He 
 sent a number of six cartridge after him. When 
 the smoke cleared away he found two quail a tew 
 feet from the dead cotton-tail, and as he reached 
 down to lift them up, one was not yet dead and it
 
 162 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 fluttered along in the grass. Now he was grieved 
 at the sight of the wounded little bird, suffering pain 
 with broken wing and blood oozing from its body. 
 He raised his gun and pulled the trigger again in 
 order to end its misery, when he heard a coarse 
 voice which sounded like a fog horn in distress, call 
 out: 
 
 " Hold on there, d n you, I'll make you hump 
 for that." 
 
 Abner left the game where it lay and walked 
 across the canyon on a plank. It was after a severe 
 rain storm and the waters rushed down from the 
 hills in torrents, jumping in huge heaps from rock 
 to cliff, then dashing high in the air, tearing small 
 trees up by the roots, bounding down the canyon, 
 leaping over chasms, rolling stones and clay along 
 with it in its mad fury as it fought its way to the 
 ocean. Its vagaries brought vividly to Abner's 
 mind, his drives over the Shaker road in the days 
 of his prosperity. When on one of these drives he 
 saw a band of school boys who were stealing apples 
 from a farmer at Loudonville, run, jump and roll 
 over fence and hedge, just like the mighty waters 
 tumbling down from the mountains. The boys kept 
 that up, followed by the farmer and his dog until 
 they were lost in the woods and out of sight. 
 
 Abner was very near rolling down with the rocks 
 and broken trees, for as he gave the last step on the 
 plank, it gave way in the center, but when his
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 163 
 
 weight left it, it righted itself again and was appar- 
 ently in good order to carry the game farther over. 
 Abner would not run, but walked leisurely looking 
 for more game along the brush-covered hills. 
 
 After a few minutes he looked back to see how 
 near the enemy was, when he saw him within a few 
 feet of the broken plank. Thinking he had as much 
 intelligence and cunning as an elephant, therefore 
 would test the plank before stepping on it, he did 
 not think it necessary to call to him. In a few min- 
 utes he again looked back and the game warden had 
 disappeared and Abner thought he had gone to his 
 doom. He listened and after a short while, his 
 hoarse and half-smothered voice could be heard 
 ringing along the hillside and calling for help. 
 Echo was the only answer that came from hill or 
 dale. No one was near but Abner. A pair of 
 mountain eagles soared above him and looked down 
 as much as to say, " Your slip is our hit." 
 
 Abner reluctantly walked over to where the voice 
 came from and called out : 
 
 " Where are you ? " and added in mocking tones, 
 " D n you, I'll make you hump for that." 
 
 " Stop your nonsense; just get a long pole and 
 hand it to me and then you can pull me out of here." 
 
 " I do not see any poles around." 
 
 " Here is a little saw, and cut down one of the 
 young trees." 
 
 " No," said Abner, " I will not do that ; read that
 
 164 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 sign : ' No tree cutting on this land.' Pay me fifty 
 cents and I'll cut it down for you, and you'll agree 
 to pay all damages I may sustain in helping you out 
 of your dilemma." 
 
 " I'll pay you when I get out." 
 
 " No, I must get my pay now, for any man who is 
 mean and low enough to take the job you have 
 would swindle their benefactor." 
 
 " For God's sake, get serious, man, and stop 
 laughing at a poor fellow hanging on an oak tree 
 for dear life, all wet and mountains of water rush- 
 ing under him with such force that should he slip, 
 destruction and death positively await him." 
 
 His argument so far had fallen like rain on a 
 duck's back, so he tried the sympathetic dodge, and 
 while assuming a pained expression, said : 
 
 " My shoulder is broken, I think ; I cannot put 
 my hand in my pocket to get the cash, my clothes 
 are all so wet. I will soon have to let go if you do 
 not help me. Please help me. I fell into that tor- 
 rent off that broken plank and would have been 
 drowned at once, only I caught hold of this tree in 
 time to save myself. How long, dear man, do you 
 think I can hold out in this position ? I am almost 
 stiff with the cold, and I ask you to cut a tree with 
 this saw and pull me out." 
 
 " First swear," said Abner, " in sight of high 
 heaven that you will not prosecute me for acci- 
 dentally shooting the quail out of season."
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 165 
 
 " I will not swear ; I have already sworn to do 
 my duty and I'll do it." 
 
 " Well, I think," said Abner, with a sarcastic 
 smile, " you are right. Do your duty always and 
 I'll follow your example and do mine, and leave you 
 alone to attend to your own business and I will go 
 and attend to mine. I'll get some cotton-tail for 
 dinner before the sun gets too strong." 
 
 " Oh, for heaven's sake, do not leave me here to 
 perish." 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " you seem to be somewhat 
 anxious to get out of your predicament; will you 
 agree to give me a hundred dollars for my services 
 if I pull you out? " 
 
 " I will." 
 
 " Then, out you come," and he set to work and 
 cut down the sapling and handed the end of it to the 
 hanger on, and he grabbed it with both hands and 
 came very near pulling Abner with him into the ter- 
 rible torrent. Abner tugged and pulled. 
 
 At last he dragged this inferior specimen of man- 
 hood up the bank, and looking at him in his delapi- 
 dated condition, said : 
 
 " It wasn't worth the trouble," and like the boy 
 who pulled out the good-for-nothing fish, he felt 
 like kicking it into the water again. 
 
 This thine which now looked like Darwin's miss- 
 ing link, raised himself up on his hind legs, and 
 grabbing Abner by the collar, said :
 
 166 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Come with me ; your're my prisoner." 
 
 Abner, with a disgusted look, said : 
 
 " You look like that. I will not go with you, and 
 if you touch me with those wet clothes I'll sue you 
 for damages." 
 
 " Well, you must come, and if you resist, I'll 
 shoot you on the spot." 
 
 " With what ? " said Abner, and he drew from his 
 pocket a Smith & Wesson revolver. 
 
 Abner knew the cartridge was soaked, conse- 
 quently rendered harmless, so he said : 
 
 " I defy you, and I will not go." 
 
 He again caught Abner by the collar and pulled 
 him. 
 
 Abner sat down, so the game warden could not 
 lift him up or make him move. 
 
 Abner said : " I'll sit here until next Sunday, if 
 necessary. I will not go with you. I will give you 
 my name and address, and I will pledge you my 
 honor that I will be in court any time you name and 
 stand trial for the offence." 
 
 Abner handed him his card, and the dripping, 
 drooping guardian of the inhabitants of the moun- 
 tains walked off, a sight for the gods to behold. His 
 legs were eighteen inches apart as he trudged over 
 the valley to the road, at least six miles from his 
 home. 
 
 Abner stayed on the mountain until he got a few 
 cotton-tails, then went home and he heard no more
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 167 
 
 of it for a week, when one day as he was riding 
 along with Mrs. Selkirk in her carriage, he espied 
 the gamekeeper and his assistant coming toward 
 him. 
 
 Words cannot describe his feelings. " He was 
 indeed scared for fear they would then know him 
 and arrest him. No sooner had they come up to 
 the carriage than the old officer recognized Abner's 
 face. Without ceremony, one of them caught the 
 horse, while the other reached for Abner's collar, 
 and in a brutal voice, said : 
 
 " Come with me, you outlaw. You are now my 
 prisoner." 
 
 Abner tried to explain to Mrs. Selkirk, but they 
 ruthlessly pulled him away, saying : 
 
 " Well, we'll show you, you lawbreaker, you out- 
 law of the mountains." 
 
 Abner was mad clear through, and vowed he 
 would never again aid or help anyone. 
 
 Mrs. Selkirk was dumbfounded and could not 
 think out what was the cause of all this. She went 
 home, covered with shame, to ponder over it. 
 
 The trial would not come off until the following 
 day, so Abner's lawyer, Judge Sullivan, made appli- 
 cation to get him out on bail, but couldn't find a 
 judge until next morning, so they decided to leave 
 him with the captain until the trial. Mrs. Selkirk 
 called at six p.m. to see him and to get some light 
 on the subject. She found him happy and con-
 
 168 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 tented, eating his dinner with the captain, and it 
 was a first-class meal. The captain's kindness to 
 him was due to the fact that Abner belonged to the 
 same old secret society as his guardian. That is 
 why he was allowed his liberty and made a guest of 
 the captain's during his incarceration. He slept in 
 a bed in the captain's room and was just as comfort- 
 able as if he had his liberty. 
 
 As Mrs. Selkirk entered, both stood up and Abner 
 introduced her to his friend as Mrs. Selkirk, of San 
 Francisco. 
 
 Abner said to her, " I am surprised, as well as 
 delighted, to see you. I did not expect you would 
 come to me in this place, and under the circum- 
 stances." 
 
 She answered, " I think when a person is in 
 trouble that is the time you want a friend, and now 
 is the time a true friend will bare her bosom to the 
 storm of ridicule and insult and stand by you. I 
 hope you do not take me for the friend who lives in 
 the sunshine and dies in the storm; besides, I have 
 too much faith in you to believe you guilty of any 
 crime, and anyway, I possess too much the spirit 
 of fairness to condemn anyone before I hear both 
 sides." 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " both sides will be heard 
 tomorrow at nine a.m. I have the old war horse 
 and celebrated jurist, Judge Sullivan, of San Fran- 
 cisco, to defend me. He thinks we will make it
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 169 
 
 kind of warm for the gamekeeper before we get 
 through with him. He will get the worst licking 
 any man ever got, and," said Abner, " I have always 
 been a pretty good hand to pilot a legal battle, and 
 before I get through with him he will know there 
 is a God in Israel." 
 
 " Well, it is a game case, anyway," she said, " and 
 people do not look on it as they do at other crimes. 
 You haven't told me how it happened." 
 
 " How could I ? I hadn't the chance. To make 
 a long story short, I fired at a cotton-tail and shot 
 two quail as well as the cotton-tail. They were hid 
 in the grass in line with the rabbit, and he saw me, 
 but I risked my life to save him, the worthless 
 wretch, and this is my reward." 
 
 " Ungrateful wretch," chimed in the captain, add- 
 ing, " Well, Mr. L'Estrange and I have had a pleas- 
 ant visit ; that's all it is and that's all it will amount 
 to." 
 
 " How fortunate," she said, " for him to have you. 
 He would die in a cell, if kept there for two days, 
 it is so^damp and cold." 
 
 Abner said to her, " are there many who know 
 about it ? " 
 
 " It is all over town," she replied, " and they have 
 put it in its worst light, saying that Mrs. Selkirk 
 was taking a ride with a criminal in her carriage 
 the other day, when the officer recognized him as an 
 old offender and pulled him from her side. She is
 
 170 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 an unfortunate woman in her selection of husbands 
 and admirers." 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " keep still ; do not reply 
 until after the trial, then I will have published the 
 whole truth, and the world will then see it just as 
 it is." 
 
 " Now, I do not mind it and hope it will all be 
 settled tomorrow. I do not consider it any dis- 
 grace," and she now moved toward Abner with a 
 smile, to bid him good-bye, saying : 
 
 " Be of good cheer. I will be here in the morn- 
 ing to watch the trial. My dear man, don't look 
 cast down, especially when you are right, and 
 remember, right or wrong, I am with you ; my place 
 will be beside you against all the world, if nec- 
 essary." 
 
 Abner now felt better than he did at any time 
 since it occurred, and he slept soundly that night. 
 She also felt better, and when she retired that night 
 she prayed for Abner's vindication and release. 
 
 The morning came, and the captain called Abner 
 to breakfast, saying: ^ 
 
 " You had better eat your breakfast so you will be 
 ready to meet your lawyer when he comes." 
 
 Breakfast over, Judge Sullivan was ushered into 
 the room and at once engaged in an animated con- 
 sultation with the captain and Abner. The officer 
 looked at his watch, said, " Time is up," and they 
 walked up to the courthouse.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 171 
 
 In a few minutes the case was called, and after 
 some preliminaries Judge Sullivan said that the case 
 could either be decided by the judge or a jury, and 
 he or his client didn't care which. The opposition 
 would not agree to the judge deciding it, so the jury 
 were called, and after a little wrangling, the game- 
 keeper and his lawyer stated their side of the case 
 against Abner, and told the facts just as they were, 
 only, he said Abner shot the quail intentionally. 
 
 Judge Sullivan asked him if he thought Abner 
 could shoot a jackrabbit without aiming at him. 
 
 " Yes, he might by accident." 
 
 " Well, then, why couldn't he shoot the quail by 
 accident as well as the jackrabbit? We deny," said 
 Judge Sullivan, with a smile, " that there were any 
 live quail on Contra Costa mountains that morning. 
 We defy you to show. This is all a piece of spite 
 and greed. You come here to damn your immortal 
 soul and stain this man's character for a few paltry 
 dollars. Show your dead quail. I say again, there 
 were no quail dead or alive on Contra Costa 
 mountains that morning." 
 
 Abner knew that when the game warden fell into 
 the water he let go all the game, consequently they 
 were safe in defying him to show them. A Scotch- 
 man on the jury asked the warden how much he'd 
 get out of the fine. 
 
 " That is not the question," said the warden, " it 
 is a matter of doing my duty."
 
 172 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Answer my question," said the juror. 
 
 The judge here stopped that line of inquiry. 
 
 Judge Sullivan said in closing his case : 
 
 " This is the frozen serpent coming to life in the 
 warm breast of a benefactor, and then turning 
 around and poisoning her blood so that she died to 
 show its gratitude. This ungrateful creature we 
 saved from the torrents at the risk of our life, and 
 his first act is to turn on his savior and for twenty- 
 five pieces of silver, try to sell him into bondage." 
 
 The judge now charged the jury and said there 
 was no proof before them that the quail was alive 
 before Abner fired the shot, or that they were dead 
 after it. In fact," he said, " we have no proof that 
 there were any quail around. During my experi- 
 ence on the bench it has always been the practice 
 to bring the game into court and prove by them his 
 guilt. I cannot understand, if the officer is telling 
 the truth, why the game are not in court. They 
 should have been here," he said, with emphasis. 
 
 The jury now retired to their room for delibera- 
 tion. While there, Abner's lawyer was busy prepar- 
 ing papers to serve on the game warden. They 
 were now ready and he handed them up to the 
 judge for his signature. This done, Judge Sullivan 
 handed them to the proper officers with instructions 
 to serve at once. 
 
 The door of the jury room now flew open, and
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 173 
 
 as the jury walked out in single file and took their 
 places, they smiled at Abner and his lawyer. 
 
 The clerk called out, " Gentlemen, what is your 
 verdict ? " and the answer came back, " Not guilty." 
 
 Now Abner's friends gathered around to con- 
 gratulate him as the audience and officers com- 
 menced to disperse. One officer walked up to the 
 game warden and served on him a complaint in an 
 action brought by Abner against him for services 
 rendered and cost of action, while another put his 
 hand on his shoulder and said, " You are a prisoner. 
 You're not a resident in this county, and you will 
 have to remain in jail until you pay your debts or 
 give bond." 
 
 The gamekeeper now saw the tables were turned 
 and that he was the defendant and prisoner instead 
 of complainant. 
 
 Turning to Abner, he said, " This is all rot." 
 
 " Well," said Judge Sullivan, " we will fight it out 
 and give it such a shaking up before we get through 
 with it, that nothing but sound matter will be left." 
 
 He, seeing that they meant business, and also 
 hearing Mrs. Selkirk whisper to Abner, " Don't 
 settle, let him go to jail," made up his mind that 
 he had struck a snag, and the cheapest way was to 
 settle. He turned to Judge Sullivan and asked him 
 how much was the full amount. 
 
 " A hundred and fifteen dollars and fifty cents, 
 and you can go," was the reply.
 
 174 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 He paid the amount, and Judge Sullivan put half 
 of it in his pocket and the other he gave to Abner. 
 
 They now took a carriage for Mrs. Selkirk's 
 house where they had luncheon and some grape 
 juice together. 
 
 The following morning Abner was again leisurely 
 walking over the road past the Dingy homestead 
 as the sun was peeking out from behind the moun- 
 tains. He wended his way along the road leading 
 to the Salmon's residence, passed it on the left, and 
 continued up the road to the summit. The sun was 
 now shut out by a heavy fog which covered the hills 
 and valleys like a mammoth veil, consequently he 
 could not see game over ten feet from him. Think- 
 ing it useless to continue his search any further, he 
 determined to sit down and wait until the fog would 
 move from the mountain side. Acting upon this 
 thought, he seated himself on a small rock behind a 
 tree, expecting a wolf or mountain fox to come 
 along in search of a morning meal. He thought to 
 himself, " this would be a good morning for reynard 
 or the coyote to come on rabbits and quail. I will 
 wait and see if I cannot get at some while they are 
 in quest of food." 
 
 When there about an hour he heard the old 
 mournful bark of the coyote in the distance, but 
 could not see it on account of the dense darkness. 
 Scarce had that voice died away, when right behind 
 him. like an echo, came an answer from its mate.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 175 
 
 They kept up this discourse for over an hour, Abner 
 sitting still, expecting every moment to see one of 
 them come in view. His eyes turned in every direc- 
 tion, peering as best he could through the darkness. 
 No form was visible, except the huge mountains 
 which he could see dimly in the distance. They 
 were silent for a few minutes, then they commenced 
 again and made the valleys ring with their hideous 
 howling. Abner could hear his own heart beat as 
 he sat still expecting every moment to see the coyote 
 pass him on its way to join its comrade. It was a 
 solemn time, and each second seemed an hour as he 
 watched for the ravenous enemies of all the small 
 inhabitants of mountain slope, forest brush, crag 
 and canyon. Again they ceased, but in a few minutes 
 commenced again their whining. It now sounded 
 nearer than before. When one strong, mournful 
 howl came from the distance, echo answered up the 
 valley. The sounds were now becoming so mixed 
 that Abner could not locate any of them and things 
 were beginning to grow monotonous, when he espied 
 a twelve-year-old rattlesnake, with a tongue of fire, 
 crawl out from between the rocks. It raised its 
 head and looked around to " view the landscape 
 o'er." When its gaze met Abner's luminary, it drew 
 back again under the ropks. Abner was somewhat 
 afraid of him, and while he looked around for 
 coyote, fox or prairie wolf, his eyes always in their 
 circuit, scanned more closely the place where the
 
 176 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 rattler had disappeared. He could now hear plainly 
 the noise of something coming through the brush. 
 He laid down his shotgun, and raising his Winches- 
 ter rifle to his shoulder, waited with bated breath 
 the onward march of the noisemaker. While look- 
 ing and listening, he thought it best for a moment 
 to turn and see if the rattlesnake was making any 
 move. No sooner had he turned his eyes in the 
 direction of the rocks, than he could see the head 
 of the rattler protrude from under the stones scarce 
 ten feet away. He now laid down the rifle again 
 and taking up the old reliable repeating shotgun, 
 took aim at the old boy, whose silken teeth and 
 blood-red tongue were plainly visible. These teeth, 
 though finer than hair, and even as silk, pierce the 
 skin and cause sure death to all animal life. The 
 sound of the gun now rang down the valley and as 
 the smoke cleared away, Abner exclaimed : 
 
 " Missed him, by Jove ! " 
 
 The snake now approached within eight feet, when 
 it turned with its tail towards Abner. He knew 
 there was no time to be lost, and in an instant took 
 his aim and fired. This time he did not miss, for the 
 shot had taken the rattler's head and ten inches of 
 his body down the mountain side. Abner ran to- 
 wards it, and when within a few feet of it he could 
 see the deadly poison flowing from the serpent's 
 mouth as it opened and closed in dying agony. 
 Soon it lay still upon the grass, limp and dead. As
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 177 
 
 he raised himself up, a coyote passed by, and he 
 again raised the shotgun to his shoulder, when a 
 voice called out: 
 
 " Don't shoot in this direction." 
 
 He could not in the darkness tell whether he was 
 an Indian, black, or white man, but he could plainly 
 see it was a man. The coyote, hearing the voice, 
 changed his course and dashing past Abner, ran 
 down the hillside. The figure threw a stick at 
 the coyote as it passed him. It missed him, but fell 
 among a family of quail, which nestled in the hill- 
 side grass. They, hearing Abner's shot and seeing 
 the darkness, lay low. One of them was wounded 
 by the stick and fluttered along the ground; the 
 rest flew into the canyon. The coyote, on his way 
 down the hill, encountered another enemy, who 
 fired at him and he retraced his steps, passing Abner 
 again. This time Abner sent a charge of number 
 one shot into him as he passed. The coyote rolled 
 over two or three times, but soon got on foot again 
 and with jumps and bounds scampered into the 
 darkness. Abner followed his track a little way, 
 when he lost sight of him. Listening for a few 
 moments, he could hear the wounded wolf moan in 
 agony in the brush at the bottom of the canyon. 
 Guided by the voice, he made his way over rocks 
 and between trees and shrubs until he got to the 
 place where the coyote lay dying. Satisfied that 
 he had done his work, he walked back to the figure.
 
 178 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 When about twenty yards away a voice called out : 
 
 " You got that fellow sure. What did you strike 
 with the other shots ? " 
 
 " That reptile behind the rock," said Abner, as he 
 pointed to the snake lying on the grass. 
 
 Dr. Thaur, who was on the mountain also that 
 morning, and the one who fired the shot at the 
 coyote first, came up the hillside to investigate the 
 rumpus. Abner recognized him and asked him if 
 he fired at the coyote. In his usual vein of good 
 nature he replied that he intended to fire at the 
 coyote, but shot the fog. 
 
 " How many, old boy, have you ? Can you spare 
 a few for my larder ? " 
 
 " Well, not out of this crowd." 
 
 "What did you get?" 
 
 "An old rattler and a gray wolf, and my friend 
 here, got a quail." 
 
 " Why," said the doctor, " quail is not in season, 
 so he had better look out. I shot a few yesterday, 
 and had a good run from the warden into the bar- 
 gain, but I escaped and I made up my mind I would 
 not risk it again." 
 
 " Well," said Moses, " was that you, Doctor, I 
 chased yesterday? I gave you a hard run, didn't 
 I? And now I have you without any effort." 
 
 The doctor's chin dropped and he looked dumb- 
 founded. With an indescribable expression on his 
 face, he said to Abner :
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 179 
 
 " Well, how in h did you get in such com- 
 pany ? " 
 
 At this, the game warden smiled. The thought 
 of getting some of the money back that Abner had 
 gotten away from him yesterday put him into a 
 mirthful mood. 
 
 " I cannot help it, doctor ; I have sworn to do my 
 duty, and I'll do it." 
 
 This nettled the doctor, and with sarcastic voice, 
 he said : 
 
 " It is not so much your keen sense of duty as it 
 is your infernal greed to get the twenty-five dollar 
 blood-money. I detest such creatures as you are." 
 
 Abner was now an interested listener, and his 
 Irish wit came to the rescue. 
 
 " Doctor, let me take your horse and carriage 
 and I'll drive into the city and swear a warrant out 
 for both you and the gamekeeper for killing quail 
 out of season. I saw him kill this quail this morn- 
 ing with his cane, thinking no one saw him do it 
 in the darkness. I was near enough and could see 
 him raise his hand and strike the quail with a stick. 
 I have the quail in my pocket and will go at once 
 and get both of you arrested. Then I will receive 
 fifty dollars for prosecuting you both and I will 
 turn it over to you and you can pay your fine with 
 it. Our friend can wander down in his pocket and 
 pay his fine of fifty dollars out of his stock on hand. 
 Doctor, if we are not able for him, I hope he will
 
 180 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 beat us. I have every confidence in our ability to 
 give him the muddy end of the stick." 
 
 The doctor's face now was radiant with smiles 
 not alone at the thought of saving his fifty dollars, 
 but at the richness of the joke and the thought of 
 getting back at one he despised. The countenance 
 of the gamewarden now fell and he hung his head 
 like a sick dog, and as the doctor wrote out a note 
 to his coachman, ordering him to drive Mr. 
 L'Estrange to the city as fast as possible, the warden 
 said: 
 
 " Please wait a minute. Can't we fix this up 
 between us without resorting to extreme measures ? 
 I confess you are too many for me. How would it 
 be for us three to swear allegiance to one another 
 like David and Jonathan, and later, England and 
 Japan?" 
 
 "All right," said the doctor, " so mote it be. Now 
 repeat after me," said the doctor, as his body shook 
 with convulsive laughter, " ' I, Moses Bernstein, of 
 the county of Contra Costa, swear, that I will for- 
 ever keep and conceal in my heart all the actions 
 of my mutual friends, Dr. Thaur and Abner 
 L'Estrange. I swear, in future, that I will not 
 see them, or either one of them, when they fire at 
 a quail or any other game, and act accordingly. 
 This, on condition that they will keep this secret 
 until death calls them to make angels out of them, 
 or kindling wood, as their cases may deserve.'
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 181 
 
 Ceremony over now," the doctor said. " Let us now 
 smoke the pipe of peace together," and he drew 
 from his pocket a book which Abner thought was a 
 Bible, but proved to be a book made specially for 
 temperance lecturers or other hypocrites to carry 
 their libation or quiet smile in, without creating sus- 
 picion. 
 
 The warden laughed when he saw the book, as 
 the doctor turned it up on a corner, while he 
 poured the mingled souls of wheat and corn into a 
 cup and handed it to the warden, saying: 
 
 " Put these good spirits into your old body and 
 they will change you." 
 
 Moses reached his hand for the cup, and as he 
 did so, said: 
 
 " Doctor, you're up to date." 
 
 " Well, we have to be, haven't we, old man ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Abner, " for it is in California, as it 
 is everywhere else a survival of the fittest a con- 
 stant fight for life." 
 
 " Oh," exclaimed the doctor, " here is our old 
 Scotch friend, John Lomax. Well, old fellow, how 
 do you do this morning ? " 
 
 " Second class, mon, but I soon will be better 
 when I get a little inspiration out of your book; I 
 like to commune with the spirits, you know, doctor. 
 I am a spiritualist." 
 
 The doctor took the hint without the kick, filled 
 the measure to the brim and handed it to the farmer,
 
 182 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 who, in a jiffy, had it on its way to murder his 
 indigestion. 
 
 " Doctor," he said, with a smile, " I like your 
 medicine best of any. No doctor like our friend 
 here, is there Moses ? " 
 
 Moses was the gamewarden, and he sat in deep 
 meditation and did not answer the farmer. The 
 spirits now commenced to warm up the farmer and 
 his tongue wagged more freely. Turning to the 
 doctor, he pointed to signs which he had put on the 
 posts and fences, " No shooting or trespassing 
 allowed on this land. Beware of arrest." 
 
 " Doctor, I put up those signs to keep the hunters 
 off, so that you and your friend could always find 
 game on my land. I wish you would come around, 
 though, every day. You now only come three 
 times a week. I'd like very much if I could see 
 you every day," and he sang, " I need thee every 
 hour." 
 
 " Well," said the doctor, " John, how would it be 
 to take another one for tomorrow ? " 
 
 "All right," said the farmer, in high glee, " I am 
 ready to carry it around until tomorrow," so another 
 glass of the liquid found lodgment with its elder 
 brother gone before. 
 
 John was now feeling good and soon he com- 
 menced to deliver an oration on the blessing it was 
 to have a kind doctor so convenient. It was not
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 183 
 
 he, though, that was speaking; 'twas the voice of 
 the spirits in prison. 
 
 The sun was now forcing the fog to retire from 
 the hillside and valleys, and soon could be seen and 
 heard all kinds of small game. 
 
 " Come," said Abner, " let us move. The game 
 will now be out, and we must try to get some. I 
 will walk along near the summit and you three 
 scatter in a line down through the brush and you 
 will drive them out, and I will try and knock them 
 over before they get into the canyon." 
 
 " Now, brother," said the doctor, turning to 
 Abner, " I saw you in a carriage the other day, 
 driving down Atlantic Avenue, with a young lady. 
 If I am not mistaken, you were taking advantage 
 of the dead. I did not think you would be guilty 
 of a behind-back act, as that surely was. While 
 my mind was pondering over your actions and 
 trying to make out what it meant, the carriage sud- 
 denly stopped as if a ghost had appeared in front 
 of you. On second thought, I concluded, you had 
 a broken axle or wheel, for I saw two men walk 
 with a quick step up to the carriage and after some 
 talk with you, all three walked away together, leav- 
 ing the lady to ride back to her home alone. Don't 
 you know, old man, that this was a most ungallant 
 act? Why did you do it? " 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " our friend there arrested 
 me for shooting quail a week before on this mount-
 
 184 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 ain, out of season. He waited his opportunity to 
 take me in. In his meanness he thought then was 
 the time. I could have shot him dead when he 
 laid his hand upon me, but knew there was no use 
 in making any resistance, for he was cunning 
 enough to take an assistant along. Imagine my 
 humiliation at being arrested at such a time and 
 under such circumstances." 
 
 The old farmer now raised his voice to a high 
 key and said, with emphasis: 
 
 " Moses, if you do anything to these men again, 
 I'll shoot you the first time you put your foot on 
 my land. Do you understand ? And no one will be 
 the wiser. Now, if you want to be a neighbor to 
 the Scotchman and keep on friendly terms with 
 him, so that you can get your milk and butter for 
 nothing as heretofore, and save that carcass of 
 yours from the worms, you will let my friends 
 alone. I tell you, he who interferes with them 
 cannot be on friendly terms with me. They can 
 shoot the chickens in my yard, if they wish, and no 
 one can say they are not welcome. Doctor, isn't 
 that right ? " he said, as he extended the horny hand 
 of honest toil to the physician, who, grasping it, 
 gave it a hearty shake. 
 
 " Well," continued the doctor, " how did you two 
 settle the other day ? " 
 
 " Oh, he beat me," said Moses, with a downcast
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 185 
 
 look. " I lost a hundred and fifty dollars by the 
 deal, and my wife hasn't let up on me since." 
 
 " Well, I hope that will teach you to behave your- 
 self in the future, and if it does, Moses, it is a good 
 investment," said the farmer. 
 
 Abner was now growing impatient at the delay, 
 and standing up, said, " I am ready boys ; come 
 on." 
 
 As he said this a flock of wild ducks flew over 
 their heads. Bang, bang, and two out of the flock 
 came to mother earth. 
 
 " Good shot ; keep that up. Scatter in the brush 
 and keep in line down the hill with me," said the 
 doctor. " I am determined to knock some cotton 
 tail out this morning. My old friend there can do 
 it if we only get them on the run. Would you like 
 another smile, John, before we start in ? " 
 
 " I think I could run better if I had one," said 
 the farmer. 
 
 " Well, here it is," said the doctor, " there is 
 luck in odd numbers." 
 
 " All ready now," John said, as he ran down the 
 side of the mountain. Soon they were beating the 
 brush and the rabbits ran out in every direction. 
 Abner was always ready for them, and soon they 
 had all they wanted and were thinking of going 
 home, when a coyote ran past them with six fox 
 hounds, in full cry after him. It was a grand 
 sight. All now ran for the hilltop, where they
 
 186 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 watched the chase. The cry of the hounds was 
 sweeter music than Paderewski, Patti or Sousa 
 could make in the ears of the sportsmen now 
 stationed on the hilltop. They brought back Abner 
 to his boyhood days, when he often risked a whip- 
 ping to follow the hounds and huntsmen, as they 
 chased the fox over the corn fields of the farmers 
 in the British Isles. The coyote led them a merry 
 chase to the summit and then down again, when he 
 wheeled and ran around the hillside about midway 
 between plain and summit. He kept about a hun- 
 dred yards ahead, sometimes a little more. It was 
 now one o'clock, and the doctor expressed a wish 
 to go home and attend to his patients ; but all, with 
 one voice, insisted on him staying to see the finish. 
 The hill is about three miles around and is sit- 
 uated in the midst of a beautiful country, a smooth, 
 rich valley lying all around it. This valley is 
 covered with orchards and brilliant green fields, 
 thickly interspersed with homes, which have all 
 beautiful surroundings. The door-yards and lawns 
 are filled with brilliant colored roses and flowering 
 shrubs, of the rarest, as well as the most beautiful 
 and fragrant varieties. They are in bloom through- 
 out the entire year. The finest crops of alfalfa are 
 raised on the plains, and thousands of California 
 State flowers can be seen on the hillside near the 
 valley. The clouds form and reform on the sum- 
 mit, producing the most beautiful effects, joining
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 187 
 
 earth and sky together. The mountains look like 
 great pillars resting on the earth, holding up the 
 heavens. 
 
 The hunting party watched the chase from the 
 summit, while the hounds and coyote made the cir- 
 cuit around it. 
 
 " Look, cried the doctor, all excited, " the dogs 
 are gaining ground, but they look tired, while he 
 seems as fresh as ever. Oh, he has wheeled back 
 and gone around that rock. They have lost him." 
 
 Now the music of the hounds ceased for a little, 
 but soon they were on his trail again. The coyote 
 always, when hunted, runs in the same track, over 
 and over again. Now the dogs were in full cry 
 and full view. It is indeed music, and most exciting 
 to hear the cry of the hounds and watch the wolf, 
 as he runs before them. 
 
 For fully an hour, they keep in view of him, while 
 he makes a full circuit around the mountain, as 
 before half way between plains and top. Now, he 
 wheels again and dashes over the rocks and through 
 the steep-sided canyons, dodging in and out among 
 the trees and shrubs that thickly line the sides of 
 the ravine. He wheels again around some high 
 brush and heads for the summit once more. The 
 dogs are now within fifty yards of him and are 
 making desperate efforts to catch him. 
 
 It is now three P. M. but no one speaks or thinks 
 of home. It is plain to the most casual observer
 
 188 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 that this unmerciful prowler realizes he is in 
 imminent danger of losing his hide. He turned 
 again for the plains, as if he intended to cross 
 them. After running a little way he evidently 
 changed his mind and was convinced that he dare 
 not venture over them, as it would be impossible 
 for him to reach the mountain range; so, turning 
 toward the summit again, he ran up as high as the 
 old circuit and then continued it. The dogs were 
 again gaining on him. They now were running 
 two abreast and all so close together that you would 
 think it was only one dog was after him. 
 
 " It now looks, doctor," said the Scotchman, " as 
 if this day would be his last." 
 
 " Yes, indeed, John ; I wouldn't care to be as near 
 my end as he is." 
 
 The wolf's actions now showed symptoms of des- 
 pair, as he faced the plains once more. He reached 
 the flat land about twenty-five yards ahead of the 
 dogs, with his head straight toward the mountains 
 on the opposite side. The dogs now gained rapidly 
 on him and it looked as if it would be only a few 
 minutes before he would be among the has been's. 
 The dogs were now within a few yards of him 
 and soon he was compelled to turn towards the 
 hill. In his desperate straits, he ran into a cave in 
 the ground and thus evaded his pursuers for a 
 little. The cave was about a quarter of a mile long, 
 filled with water, and of loop shape. It came out
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 189 
 
 under a tree a little further over. It was formerly 
 a gold mine, and had been abandoned on account 
 of the water. One of the dogs followed him into 
 the cave, and their muffled sounds told the sports- 
 men the wolf had run to ground. The other five 
 dogs leaped and jumped around, trying to find a 
 sight or trail of him. For some time, it was a fruit- 
 less search, but the dog that followed him into the 
 cave swam the water and compelled him to go out. 
 When he left the cave he was about a hundred 
 yards ahead and was running fast, and seemed 
 fresh. He had to swim the water in the cave and it 
 seemed to give him new life. Soon the dogs got on 
 his trail, and for two hours more, it was indeed a 
 race for life, limb and hide. They were now gain- 
 ing fast upon him. The dog that followed him 
 into the cave lost sight and scent of him altogether. 
 She scampered up to the men on the summit, on 
 bleeding legs. The doctor attended to her, and soon 
 she was in shape to run again. 
 
 Now it was a close run. The dogs were within 
 a few feet of him, and he and they were seemingly 
 all tired out. The lame dog now caught a glimpse 
 of him as he climbed over a rock and she joined 
 the chase and lead it for about six miles, when the 
 wolf jumped over a precipice, put his back between 
 two rocks, and with stripped teeth faced his pur- 
 suers. The hounds commenced to bark furiously 
 at him and would rush at him, and when they did
 
 190 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 they generally lost some of their hair with skin 
 attached to it. The sportsmen now ran up. The 
 dogs, seeing them coming, took courage, and one 
 of them made a desperate dash, caught hold of 
 the wolf by the side of the neck and dragged him 
 from his entrenchment, where they all joined in 
 pulling him to pieces. He died like the Boers 
 game to the end, but had to succumb to superior 
 numbers. 
 
 " Well, old man, we had better go home and get 
 something to eat. I am exceedingly hungry," said 
 the doctor. 
 
 All commenced to move homeward. The doctor 
 and Abner walked across the plain to where the 
 colored coachman was waiting for him. They 
 entered the carriage and in a few minutes were 
 skimming along the highway leading to Berkeley. 
 
 When they reached Oakland Park, a ragged 
 looking man with a red nose, wrinkled and de- 
 bauched face, raised his hand as if to signal them 
 to stop. The doctor called to the polished driver 
 to halt and see what this gentleman of leisure 
 wanted. 
 
 "Well, my boy, what's the matter?" said the 
 doctor. 
 
 This specimen of played-out humanity replied 
 with emphasis: 
 
 " I haven't got a d n cent." 
 
 " Well, nobody said you had," said Abner.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 191 
 
 " But I am broke, man." 
 
 " Who says you're not ? We're not responsible 
 for your financial condition. You spent all your 
 money," said Abner, " trying to paint that nose a 
 good deep red, and you have succeeded." 
 
 " Well, will you let me have five cents ? " 
 
 " Without any collateral security ? You have 
 mistaken us for money lenders. You have asked 
 the wrong men. We are all like you, at the present 
 time, except that nose." 
 
 The horse now commenced to get restless and 
 the coachman let him go, and they soon were 
 crossing Atlantic Avenue. 
 
 " I had better get off here," said Abner, " and 
 take the car for the hotel." 
 
 "Not by a jug full! You will come with me 
 and we'll eat a half dozen of those cotton tails 
 before we go to bed." 
 
 They were now in front of the doctor's residence, 
 and getting out, the doctor called to a colored boy 
 and instructed him to brush off the guests. This 
 done, they all followed the doctor into his study 
 where a gas grate burned cheerfully. When seated, 
 the doctor said: 
 
 " That was a great day's sport we had. I have 
 witnessed many a chase, but never before was lucky 
 enough to be in a position where I could see them 
 at all times, as we did today. The dogs must be 
 well fed and cared for to keep that steady run up
 
 192 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 for eight hours. 'Twas great fun for all, except 
 the wolf, who paid the penalty for the many sneak 
 acts he perpetrated on his weaker neighbors." 
 " Say, Abner, how is Los Angeles ? " 
 " Well, doctor, same as ever. Selling lots for 
 twice what they're worth; booming the city for 
 dear life and persuading themselves daily they are 
 growing richer. They are building a great many 
 new houses, but very few good ones. Politics are 
 just as rotten in Los Angeles as in Albany or 
 New York. The other day they had some bonds 
 to sell, and did not offer them for sale in Los 
 Angeles, but carried them to some trust company 
 or banking house in New York. Just like the 
 Cleveland administration denied the right to free 
 men to bid for their own bonds, but sent them to 
 England." 
 
 " I cannot understand," said the doctor, " why 
 they do this sort of thing. There is only one reason 
 for doing it, and that is, somebody gets paid for his 
 trouble. People in Los Angeles would have bought 
 the water bonds. I know several who would have 
 bid for blocks of them if they had had the chance, 
 but they didn't have the opportunity, nor will they, 
 as long as they allow the powers that be to do as 
 they please. The people in Los Angeles remind me 
 of a story told of an Irishman and his six-day-old 
 dogs. Taking up one of the dogs, he told him to 
 open his eyes. The dog did not obey, when he
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 193 
 
 dashed it on the sidewalk and its eyes opened. 
 ' Ah/ said he, in his drunken fury, ' you have got 
 to have your brains knocked out before you open 
 your eyes.' ' 
 
 " The people of the United States got on to 
 Grover Cleveland and his policy of giving exclusive 
 right to Englishmen to buy the government bonds, 
 but the Englishmen didn't vote for him at the next 
 election, nor did the Americans whom he turned his 
 back on when he had good goods to sell. Cleveland 
 should have learned a lesson from Maria Antoinette 
 and her weak-kneed husband. After election he 
 could say with all truthfulness, ' Vox populi, vox 
 dei.' It has been said of McKinley, the late 
 lamented President, that he always held his ear to 
 the ground to find out what the people wanted. 
 He knew the people of the United States had confi- 
 dence enough in the stability of their government 
 to put their last dollar, if necessary, into its bonds. 
 He, practicing the old doctrine of goodness, should 
 commence at home, asked the American people to 
 subscribe for the next bond issue, which they did 
 twice over, demonstrating to the world that Cleve- 
 land and his cabinet committed a treasonable act 
 when they denied equal rights to Americans with 
 their British brethren. It has been said of McKin- 
 ley that he always looked out for the interests of 
 his own family. It might also be said and said to 
 his everlasting credit that he also looked out with
 
 194 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 a jealous eye, for the interests of his own people, 
 the citizens of the United States, according the 
 same rights to North and South, East and West, 
 recognizing only one country, and one flag for saint 
 or sinner, man who wore the blue or grey, and he 
 died president of all. Would that his ghost or 
 some one dyed .in the same color would come and 
 occupy the chair in the executive office of the city 
 of Los Angeles ; then every citizen could have what 
 bonds they want and they would not be sent to New 
 York, and from there to London, to be held as a 
 lien against the homes of the citizen of the fortu- 
 nate and unfortunate city of Los Angeles." 
 
 " Well," said the doctor, " I think you are right. 
 The city authorities of Los Angeles should first 
 have asked the citizens to take what they could 
 of the bonds, then turn over the balance to whoever 
 would pay most for them." 
 
 " Yes, doctor," said Abner, " on that line of con- 
 duct a president could not retire to private life on 
 what he accumulated in a few years while in office. 
 Oh, no, doctor, that would not suit the politicians 
 at all ; no chance for make on that ; no rake-off ; no 
 hand-me-back ; no tickle-me-under-the-chin for the 
 powers that be, if things were conducted that way." 
 
 " Well," said the doctor, " Abner, you are too 
 severe on the politicians ; you know it costs them a 
 good deal for election, and to use the language of 
 New York's leader, they are not in politics for their
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 195 
 
 health. They seldom or ever work for the inter- 
 ests of the people, except it is on a strict line with 
 their own interest. They are mostly all the time 
 casting an anchor to windward for themselves. I 
 notice it is all the same the world over, and I sup- 
 pose it will be, as long as nature has decreed that 
 the big fish eat the little ones, the stronger live on 
 the efforts of his weaker brother. Compare any of 
 those modern politicians with Warren Hastings of 
 infamous memory, and they will pretend their feel- 
 ings are hurt by the comparison. He is held up as 
 a synonym of all that is bad, dishonest, brutal, 
 unmerciful and cold-hearted in political life. Well, 
 I tell you, I think he will get a high seat in heaven 
 if those who connive against their own people are 
 allowed to enter at all the sacred portals. Warren 
 Hastings did not plunder his own people, but con- 
 fined his depredations and crimes to the savage and 
 foreigner. He had no interest in them, further 
 than what he could get out of them. He was like 
 the average jockey on the back of a blooded steed, 
 who, by threats, entreaties and punishment, gets the 
 last atom of strength and speed out of the animal, 
 then takes his saddle under his arm, gets weighed, 
 collects his fee and that's all he cares for the horse ; 
 doesn't even condescend to look around to see how 
 it feels who carried him in triumph to receive the 
 plaudits of the field and grand stand. The Ameri- 
 can office-holders are different. This is their own
 
 1% TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 land. The people whom they rob, misrule, or sell 
 into bondage, are bone of their bone, flesh of their 
 flesh, and while we are told to do good unto all, we 
 are especially instructed to do right in our own 
 household and with our own people. The United 
 States lost millions of dollars in interest through 
 the unpatriotic and diabolical action of Grover 
 Cleveland, and the people of Los Angeles, as before 
 stated, have lost thousands of dollars by not being 
 allowed to bid in their own water bonds. The peo- 
 ple relegated Cleveland to private life, .and gave 
 him time to shoot, fish and hunt. They have no 
 ambition for any more of his services. They are 
 fully convinced that his existence was a public 
 calamity, and when he is now heard from or his 
 name mentioned, with almost one voice, they 
 exclaim, R. I. P." 
 
 " Well, Abner," said the doctor, " I think this 
 condition of things can be laid to the door of the 
 voters. They do not see the vermin carrying off 
 their wealth, and if they do, they generally say, with 
 a shrug of their shoulders, ' I don't care what they 
 do with them ; it's all the same to me.' They forget 
 that it is eating the life blood of the nation, and 
 soon we will be a nation of millionaires, serfs and 
 paupers. The middle class will be wiped out, and 
 I tell you that the people are like a pie the upper 
 and lower crusts are worthless, unwholesome and 
 unfit for food. It is the layer between the crusts
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 197 
 
 that is good, wholesome and valuable, just as the 
 middle class are the respectable, healthful and use- 
 ful citizens. The upper and lower class we could 
 get along without, and the fact is we would be 
 much better off if they had died when five days 
 old, or better still, had never been born. From 
 these two classes spring the immoral, dishonest, the 
 criminal and the outlaw. Statistics prove the 
 truth of the statement, and experience and investi- 
 gation will back me up in my contention." 
 
 " Abner," continued the doctor, " when have you 
 been to Albany? Do you know that Albany is my 
 birthplace, and in it is my Alma Mater ? I attended 
 the colleges on Pill Alley on Lancaster Street, and 
 got my sheepskin from there. I am acquainted 
 with most of the old families in Albany. Is it still 
 a Dutch city ruled by the Irish ? " 
 
 " It was tihtil the last election, when a Dutchman 
 was elected mayor, while his opponent was snowed 
 under by an avalanche of votes. They claim that 
 the Democratic candid iate was beaten because he 
 wore corsets and parted his hair in the middle. I 
 do not know if this be true, but one thing I do 
 know, he was beaten." 
 
 " Abner, are you acquainted with Robert Pruyn ? 
 He was president of the Albany railway and the 
 Commercial Bank." 
 
 " Yes," said Abner, " I have seen him several 
 times on the street ; but that is all."
 
 198 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Well, do you know that his father was sen- 
 tenced to be beheaded for robbing the Oriental gov- 
 ernment out of millions? The United States com- 
 promised the matter for him and saved his scalp. 
 It was a good thing for Albany that they did. Had 
 the law been carried out he would have lost his 
 head and Albany wouldn't have had the benefit it 
 has received from what he stole from the land of 
 the rising sun." 
 
 " Why, doctor, to use the language of our friend 
 Moses on the mountain, ' You stun me.' He is 
 now the standard of Albany blue blood and New 
 York State aristocracy the great I am. Roscoe 
 Conklin never strutted with more haughty step than 
 he. He has now started on the ruins of the Mer- 
 chants' Bank, a trust company, in opposition to the 
 one presided over by Albany's most representative 
 citizen, John D. Parsons, Jr. You may laugh, 
 doctor, but it is a positive fact, he is the only door 
 through which you must pass into the society of the 
 four hundred located in the capital of the Empire 
 State. The endorsement of the robber's son, as you 
 call him, will grease you so you can slide through 
 into the sanctum sanctorum of this mushroom aris- 
 tocracy." 
 
 " Well, well, Abner, how money makes the mare 
 go, doesn't it? Name the other officers of the new 
 trust company until I see if I know any of them."
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 199 
 
 " Mr. Grangesard, who I believe, is second offi- 
 cer in it." 
 
 " Well, well," said the doctor, again. " He is a 
 son of the cheap-John tailor who used to half-sole 
 and heel my pants on Green street. He used to 
 work in the day time, in a tailor store next to the 
 Mansion House. It must be his daughter the doc- 
 tors were talking about at the Clinic, when I was 
 there. Dr. Mereness asked Dr. Van Ranselear to 
 explain the nature of the germs that caused the 
 trouble. I myself noticed they had oak bark on 
 the street to kill the noise. Did you hear if she 
 recovered? The medical profession seemed to be 
 interested in her case." 
 
 " I do not know," said Abner, " I have never 
 heard of the young lady." 
 
 " There are a lot of men in the new trust com- 
 pany, are there not ? " 
 
 " Yes ; most of the officers in the old Commercial 
 qualified under the rules and regulations of the new 
 trust company. The cashier was the only one who 
 was rejected, and he was knocked out on account of 
 having a thoroughly honest mother. It was thought 
 that a son raised by such a mother couldn't be used 
 in the proper way, if opportunity offered. They 
 want a man born and built on the non-conductor 
 principle, one who will do as they want him to, be 
 they right or wrong, and his past record showed
 
 200 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 louder than words or pen that he wasn't one of that 
 kind." 
 
 " Well, Abner, what is the idea of doing away 
 with banks and starting up those trust companies in 
 their stead ? " 
 
 " It is simply this : the national banking law pre- 
 vents the banks from robbing the people wholesale. 
 For some years they have chafed under the restraint 
 put upon them by it. ' Necessity is the mother of 
 invention,' and they have now, in their efforts to 
 evade the law, found a new way to get around an 
 old law, and it is by turning the banks into trust 
 companies. The people will soon awake to a reali- 
 zation of the danger that confronts them from these 
 hydra-headed institutions, and when they do, the 
 cry will be from the Atlantic to the Pacific : ' Away 
 with them and erect on their ruins the old reliable 
 national banking system.' " 
 
 " Well, Abner, how is the historical and art 
 society getting along? Are you much of a 
 painter ? " 
 
 " I am not much of a painter, but a strong 
 admirer of fine art." 
 
 " Who is the president of the society ? " 
 
 " George Douglas Miller." 
 
 " I suppose he is a very intellectual man and a 
 good artist ? " 
 
 " Well, I guess not ; the only thing I think he 
 could draw would be an Italian peanut cart. He
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 201 
 
 is a man who never earned an honest dollar in his 
 life, and I doubt very much, if he had the ability 
 to do it, if he were willing; but he was endowed 
 with the low cunning of all fortune hunters who 
 run around looking for some dead man's money, so 
 that they can marry it and invite the daughter to 
 the wedding. Mr. Miller found such a one and 
 feathered his nest, but if she doesn't look out, 
 instead of being a Douglas Miller, he will prove 
 a moth miller to her father's collection of green- 
 backs. He is very ambitious to ' found a family,' 
 and with the material at hand he will have to per- 
 form a miracle to even make it passable, much less 
 perfection." 
 
 " Did you know a lawyer named George L. Stead- 
 man?" 
 
 " Yes, I often heard of him ; he was a very nice, 
 agreeable man. He was so kind that he had his 
 name put on his father-in-law's monument, when 
 he got the old man's eyes closed, thinking his name 
 would protect it from all the storm and violence of 
 the elements. He has two sons, now lawyers, and 
 they married into two very respectable families." 
 
 " Isn't it queer, Abner, that Albany hasn't gained 
 ten people in population in twenty-three years? 
 What is the reason of this ? " 
 
 " Well, it never will prosper, nor cannot until 
 they have about two hundred first-class funerals. 
 They must first weed out those old moss-backs who
 
 202 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 hold on, with deathly grip, to the money. They 
 do not want to make Albany a manufacturing or 
 business city. They wish to turn it into a residence 
 place for drones, dudes, good-for-nothings and non- 
 producers. They prefer a college where a few men 
 or boys rather will get a classical education, to 
 a factory employing a thousand hands and putting 
 twenty thousand dollars in circulation every week 
 to the fifty the other spent. Do you now wonder 
 that Albany is the only city in the United States 
 of over fifty thousand population that has not 
 gained in the last twenty years? What can you 
 expect of a city that would allow the Edison Works 
 to establish their plant in Schenectady, when they 
 offered to come to Albany? Their coming to 
 Albany would interfere with the Municipal Gas 
 Company and the Electric Light Company of the 
 city. These two companies are principally owned 
 by Brady, Pruyn & Company, and of course the 
 people, in their blindness and stupidity, allowed 
 these two millionaires to fatten upon the city, while 
 they drive all competition out of it." 
 
 " Well," said the doctor, " if that is so, Abner, I, 
 as a friend of Albany, would be in favor of a com- 
 mittee of doctors and a few soldiers who would 
 arrest all Albanians, bring them before the physi- 
 cians and have them examined as to their sanity. 
 Do you mean to tell me that there is another city 
 in the world whose people are as thick-headed as
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 203 
 
 this condition of things would indicate? When the 
 United States Census Bureau gave to the press their 
 report, I was surprised at old Albany, and until 
 now, was totally ignorant of the cause of its lack of 
 growth. It has many natural advantages, being 
 at the head of the beautiful Hudson River and the 
 center of several railroads. It has the finest build- 
 ings in the world on its hilltop, and one of the finest 
 railroad depots in the country at its gates ; but it is 
 peopled by a slow and easy-going class of citizens 
 who take little or no pride in the welfare of their 
 city. It is moth-eaten by political intrigue and 
 machination, and corroded by the efforts of some 
 families who have outlived their usefulness. 
 Nature and the State and the railroad have done 
 a lot for Albany, but Albanians have sat on its 
 branches, eaten of its fruit and allowed the enemy 
 to suck the lifeblood out of it." 
 
 " Well, Abner, my prayer for old Albany is that 
 its citizens may soon awake to a realization of their 
 responsibility and with true and manly effort, put 
 their shoulders to the wheel, drive out from among 
 them these drones and cormorants who have stopped 
 the wheels of progress and the onward march of 
 prosperity and civilization; put new blood at the 
 helm and soon old Albany will, sphinx-like, rise 
 from its ashes and take its place again among the 
 first-class cities of the union."
 
 204 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 " Do you think," said the doctor, " Moses will 
 live up to his word given us yesterday ? " 
 
 " Oh, I am sure he will, for he is afraid of his life 
 of John Lomax. You could see it worried him all 
 day." 
 
 " I think he was also worried because you kept 
 him from getting at me for shooting the quail out 
 of season. I could see by his face he was unhappy 
 and looked as if something was annoying his mind 
 or troubling his conscience. He was the only one 
 in our party who did not enjoy the hunt. Abner, 
 isn't he a Jew ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes ; and if you notice, the Jews are either 
 good or bad, and I think he is of the latter class." 
 
 " Abner, did you know a Jew in Albany named 
 C. L. Swartz? He is an awfully good fellow 
 until you ask a favor of him, then you will see how 
 good he is. He is one of those who are always 
 urging you to let him do something for you. 
 Should you ever need him, or, as they say in vulgar 
 parlance, ' If you're in want, come to me and you 
 will want.' " 
 
 " Well, Abner, old man," said the doctor with 
 a smile, " you mustn't be so hard on him. There 
 are a great many people just like him in the world 
 whose souls breathe nothing but hypocrisy, dissimu- 
 lation and selfishness, and in the intensity of their 
 passion for praise, without risk or cost, are con- 
 tinually offering their aid to you when they are
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 205 
 
 sure you are sitting safely on the branches of pros- 
 perity, enjoying the sunshine of success ; but let the 
 black clouds of misfortune, failure, humiliation, 
 privation, sickness, poverty or despair settle over 
 you and your home, they will then come out under 
 their true colors, and with others of their class, hold 
 up their hands in holy horror. The hands that yes- 
 terday were stretched out to help you when you did 
 not need their succor, now hang close to their sides 
 with clenched fists, and the eyes that yesterday were 
 open, looking for some way to show how true a 
 friend they are and would be to you, are now closed. 
 They are as dark as were the eyes of blind Barti- 
 meus of old, or they will pass by on the other side 
 repeating the hymn, ' For Aid, Look Above/ or, ' I 
 Never Knew You, You Are no Friend or Relative 
 of Mine/ " 
 
 " Doctor, they live only in your sunshine and die 
 in your storm. If it is your wife and she belongs 
 to that class, she will say, ' I never loved him ; I 
 don't see why I married him. I hate him. I will 
 show my contempt for him by leaving him and tak- 
 ing from him all I can, and give it to my brothers 
 and blood relations.' If it is your mother and she 
 belongs to that class, she will say, ' I wonder why I 
 raised him; I knew there was no good in him. I 
 don't know who he took after.' If it is your father, 
 he is likely to say : ' Well, I always knew he was 
 good for nothing was too much like my mother-in-
 
 206 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 law.' Your neighbor or pseudo friend will 
 undoubtedly join the throng in reading moral lec- 
 tures on the mire and dunghill of your misfortune, 
 and like Indians at the war dance, show by signs 
 and words that they rejoice at your downfall. Like 
 vultures, they are glad of an opportunity to feast 
 upon the carrion spots of your character, repeating 
 in loud tones so that everybody can hear them 
 within reach of their voice, all your shortcomings 
 and drawbacks, while they cover with the slime of 
 suspicion, the bright, healthy and true spots of a 
 noble soul that has been forced by circumstances 
 to wallow in the mire of public opinion. Instead 
 of playing the part of the good Samaritan, they 
 will satiate their savage nature by putting their 
 foot upon you and sinking you deeper in the mud. 
 If the milk of their human kindness was churned, 
 it would turn into limburger cheese. Doctor," said 
 Abner, " there is nothing succeeds like success. 
 Had George Washington been compelled to sur- 
 render to General Burgoyne, instead of being made 
 President, he would have been exalted on the limb 
 of a tree, like a dog, or shot as a traitor, and would 
 go down in history the same as Jeff Davis did a 
 full-fledged traitor and rebel but fortune favored 
 him, for through the eloquent efforts of Edmund 
 Burke, the failure to supply the sinews of war was 
 accomplished. King George could not fit out men 
 on prairie wind or mountain storm, consequently,
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 207 
 
 the immortal George's efforts were crowned with 
 success, and he is now reverently called ' the father 
 of his country, the leader of his people out of 
 bondage; the Yankee Moses.' The bands now at 
 the mere mention of his name, play ' Hail to the 
 Chief.' Again, I say, ' Nothing succeeds like suc- 
 cess.' " 
 
 " Well, I hate such people, don't you, Abner ? " 
 " Oh, yes, but if we hate all that kind, we will 
 hate about fifty per cent, of all the people, but there 
 are some good yet on the earth; all are not base, 
 deceitful and selfish; all are not living for them- 
 selves alone. While Albany has its Pruyns, Millers 
 and Swartz, it also has its good and just men like 
 George Addington; its faithful, honorable and true 
 men like Joseph A. Murphy; its whole-souled men 
 like the Rev. Dr. Terry; its charitable men, like 
 James Teneyke; its representative, upright and 
 prosperous business men, like Albert J. Wing and 
 P. J. McArdle ; its pious men, like the two Bishops 
 and Dr. Lawrence. You see there is some good 
 left yet, in Albany. I tell you, doctor, you need 
 not be ashamed of the old city, or be cast down 
 because it is seemingly dead. Remember it had its 
 Swinbourne in its medical profession, the acknowl- 
 edged leader of the world in surgery. It had its 
 brilliant, sagacious and ever reliable Eugene Bur- 
 lingame, among the members of its bar. It had its 
 James A. McClure and Joseph Feary among its
 
 208 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 merchants. It had its Callacott, Dawson, Rooker 
 and Farrell among its editors. It had its Bleekers, 
 Jermaines and Whites, and a host of other good 
 and true men, among its citizens in the past. Cheer 
 up, doctor, she is not yet beyond redemption. There 
 is yet enough leaven in her to rise to the occasion. 
 She will yet show those who now keep her in bond- 
 age that she has life and will live and prosper when 
 they are dead and gone to their reward." 
 
 " Now, Abner, who do you think of all the 
 earth, comes nearest your ideal man and woman ? " 
 
 " Well, doctor, there are several. In the female 
 world, I think the present Queen of England is an 
 ideal wife and mother; so is also the wife of the 
 Czar of Russia, but the queen of all queens, in my 
 humble opinion, is that personification of all that 
 is good, holy, true, patriotic, kind, motherly, open- 
 hearted and handed, a noble, indefatigable worker 
 for the amelioration of the unfortunate, the dis- 
 tressed and the afflicted, Miss Helen Gould of New 
 York City. It may, I am sure, be said in all truth- 
 fulness of her : ' Many have done nobly, but thou 
 excellest them all.' She does not think, hint or say 
 she is of aristocratic lineage ; she acknowledges her 
 first parents were turned out of the garden of Eden 
 for dishonesty and disobedience, for fear they 
 would partake of the tree of life and live forever 
 and thus escape punishment for their evil deeds. 
 To believe she is of aristocratic birth, she would
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 209 
 
 have to believe as do New York's Four Hundred, 
 that they did not come of one common parent with 
 the poor, whose forefather was taken from a mud- 
 pile or claybank, but originated from baboons, apes 
 and monkeys and advanced through the laws of 
 evolution from that state, and I tell you, doctor, 
 they haven't changed as much as they think from 
 their forefathers. Evolution, if it never makes 
 more rapid strides than it has in their case, will 
 never run off the track on account of speed. She 
 realizes her body is of clay, the same as all who 
 confess Adam and Eve their first parents. The 
 only difference is, her heart and soul are aristocratic 
 in that they have grown in goodness and purity, 
 and it is they that exalt her above her fellows. She 
 has, indeed, a body the same as all men and women 
 have, subject to all the ills flesh is heir to, but a 
 soul of spotless purity and goodness, whose delight 
 and nutriment is in acts of kindness, following the 
 example of her Divine Master, going about from 
 day to day, doing good, quietly and unostenta- 
 tiously, not letting her left hand know what her 
 right hand doeth. Now, in my opinion, the late 
 lamented and beloved President was the nearest the 
 ideal man of any who ever trod the earth, since 
 Adam and Eve lived on the banks of the Euphrates. 
 He was next to our divine Redeemer, and I think 
 history will and if it 'gives him his due surely 
 must accord him a place next to Him. His char-
 
 210 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 acter was most sublime and beautiful. Brave as a 
 lion in the tour of danger, patriotic, kind and gen- 
 tle as a woman, forgiving his enemies even to the 
 cowardly assassin who fired the fatal shot faithful 
 to his friends, true to all trusts committed to his 
 keeping by an appreciative people. 
 
 " Second to him is Andrew Carnegie, the world- 
 renowned philanthropist, whose interest in the edu- 
 cation of his fellow man is not confined to one coun- 
 try or kingdom. From the heath-clad hills of 
 Scotland, to the orange groves of Florida, can be 
 found substantial proof of the interest he takes in 
 the education and uplifting of his fellow-men. 
 Many men have given as much as he to sectarian 
 institutions, but his broad mind and noble soul 
 suggest that he draw no line between the sons of 
 Adam. He also shows a good example in giving 
 while he is alive, so that he may see some fruits 
 from his philanthropy. When many millionaires 
 are dead and long-ago forgotten, the name of 
 Andrew Carnegie will be written indelibly upon 
 numerous educational institutions and libraries. 
 He is a true type of the man who received the ten 
 talents in the parable he is returning them with 
 interest, and his reward will be, ' Well done, thou 
 good and faithful servant.' " 
 
 " Abner, in all that you have said, I agree. Oh, 
 by the way, Abner, did you know T. Ritchie ? " 
 
 " Yes, I did."
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 211 
 
 "Didn't he fail?" 
 
 "Oh, yes, he was unfortunate in making poor 
 investments, which brought about his ruin. He 
 married a widow whom he thought was rich, think- 
 ing she would help him, but, when he asked her for 
 assistance, she axed him. A railroad contractor, 
 also, sold him a gold brick in the shape of contracts 
 to supply shoes and rubbers to his men. He cashed 
 his checks and discounted his notes, both of which 
 proved to be worthless, and helped him on his run 
 downward. In his dilemma he became frightened 
 and fled, first having offered to his creditors fifty 
 per cent, on his indebtedness, but Leoanda, of the 
 National Shoe and Leather Exchange, thought he 
 smelled a little oil in the deal for himself, so he 
 threatened to refuse the offer of fifty cents if not 
 accompanied by an additional ten per cent, for him- 
 self, on the quiet. Thus Leoanda sacrificed the 
 interests of those who were foolish enough to 
 entrust him to represent them. If he could not get 
 his ten per cent, he was willing the creditors should 
 not get anything. How much better for those 
 creditors if they had taken a half-loaf, than no 
 bread. Had they kept the case in their own hands, 
 they would have received, without expense, fifty or 
 fifty-two and a half cents on the dollar. Wouldn't 
 that have been better than to pay Leoanda, who was 
 instrumental in knocking them out of all? But I 
 think their loss was money well invested; it will
 
 212 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 aid in teaching them to keep their own hands on 
 the helm, and pilot their own ship through stormy 
 seas as well as calm. If they do not land all the 
 cargo, they will always be on the ground and their 
 self-interest will suggest to them if they cannot save 
 all, save what they can." 
 
 " Well, Abner, according to your statement of 
 the Ritchie case, those commercial agencies are 
 nothing more nor less than mercantile buzzards, 
 who live and fatten without effort on the bodies, or 
 cash account, I should say, of their clients or fallen 
 creditors. When I was in Albany last, there was 
 a wholesale shoe dealer, whose indebtedness was 
 about a hundred and sixteen thousand, while his 
 actual assets were a hundred and ten thousand, 
 making enough to pay about ninety-two and a half 
 cents on the dollar of his indebtedness. These 
 commercial agencies and their lawyers got their 
 hands upon the assets, and I learned from reliable 
 sources, that the creditors, who should have received 
 ninety-two and a half cents on the dollar had to 
 be content with less than twenty cents on the dollar. 
 This should be an object lesson to all manufactur- 
 ers and wholesalers to settle their differences with 
 their creditors direct, and save the assets for them- 
 selves from the rapacious maw of these unprinci- 
 pled, and as Reynalds, one of the creditors, said, 
 commercial sharks. He seemed thankful to get 
 anything out of it, for, at one time, he thought the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 213 
 
 lawyers's fees and the bills manufactured by the 
 commercial agencies, would more than gobble up 
 the total assets. In the language of Puck, ' What 
 fools these mortals be.' ' 
 
 The bell now rang for dinner. 
 
 " Come," said the doctor, " let us see how the 
 cotton-tails will go." All got seated, and I assure 
 you, it didn't take much coaxing or whetting of 
 appetites, to put the hunters in humor for the meal. 
 
 Dinner over, the hunters once more repaired to 
 the library, where they continued to discuss the 
 present, past and future. After passing the cigars, 
 the doctor said: 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, Abner thinks that Moses 
 played him a mean trick. Just listen to what a man 
 did to me the other day, and you will think the 
 trick played on Abner was a favor compared to it. 
 For several years past I have attended, without fee 
 or reward, the family of an engineer on Broadway. 
 He complained to me that he was unable to pay his 
 bill, on account of the small wages he earned. I 
 told him that I posted his bill on the ice in the box, 
 and that I didn't expect him, in his poverty and 
 trouble, to pay me anything. I freely forgave him 
 all he owed me and told him that I would continue 
 to attend his family in the future, as I had in the 
 past, and that he should not worry over his inability 
 to pay me. My dog Fido, the Irish setter, some- 
 times followed me, when making my forenoon
 
 214 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 visits. A week ago he followed me into this man's 
 house, and when they got him there they closed 
 the door on him ; consequently, he could not get out. 
 I searched all over for him, advertised, notified the 
 police, sheriff and deputy, and offered rewards for 
 his return, but Fido did not come. Yesterday 
 morning Fido came rushing into my office. He 
 got between my feet, and, on looking down at him 
 I noticed a collar on which was a man's name, street 
 and number. I at once addressed a note to the 
 man, asking him why he put his collar on my dog, 
 and a reply came enclosing a receipt for the money 
 that he paid this ungrateful creature for my dog. 
 He paid him forty dollars. I at once got a warrant 
 out for him, but as he was sick in bed with fever 
 they could not serve it on him. Today I am 
 informed he returned the money, and as I have 
 my dog, the matter, I presume, will be dropped. 
 That was gratitude of a peculiar form the grati- 
 tude which the serpent showed its benefactor." 
 
 " Well," said Abner, " as this is an experience 
 meeting, I will let you have one of mine, and if you 
 do not think the ingrate meaner and lower than the 
 boss of Sheol, I will miss my guess." 
 
 " Well, Abner, let us have the cyclone. Perhaps 
 we ought, first, have a little of Mumm's extra dry 
 so as to moisten the story and keep the sulphur 
 in it from burning up the place." 
 
 " I second the motion," said Mr. Harper.
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 215 
 
 The motion being moved and seconded, the wine 
 bottle was laid on the table, and soon its contents 
 were blinding the eyes of the jack rabbit gone 
 before. That part of the programme being over, 
 the doctor said: 
 
 " Your experience, Abner, is in order." 
 " Well," said Abner, " about four years ago I 
 was in my office, when a gentleman with sandy 
 complexion and dark hair entered. I said, ' Good 
 morning,' and with a downward look, he answered, 
 ' Good morning,' adding, ' Can I see you for a 
 moment ? ' I replied, ' Certainly,' and pointing to 
 a seat, said : ' Please be seated until I look over 
 this mail.' I hurried to get through so as not to 
 detain him any longer than was necessary. ' Now 
 I am ready ; what is troubling you this morning ?' I 
 said. He replied : ' Well, I am thinking of going 
 into the shoe business, in Mount Pleasant, Schenec- 
 tady County, New York. My name is James A. 
 Lindsey, and I wish to see if you will sell me some 
 goods.' I sold him the bill of goods and he paid me 
 for it. He bought several bills afterwards, for 
 which he paid. After a while, he had a misunder- 
 standing with some rough characters, and they set 
 fire to his place and stole his goods. He got his 
 insurance, all of which he paid me, for the goods 
 he had already received from me. He sent some of 
 the men to States prison for the offense. When he 
 did, their comrades vowed vengeance that they
 
 216 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 would have revenge on him for sending their pals 
 to the toils. Time rolled on, when he again came 
 into the office, said he was about to increase his 
 business, and asked if I would extend him some 
 credit; that he would pay two thousand dollars 
 down and after his brother-in- law's death, which he 
 hoped would soon take place, would pay two 
 thousand five hundred more. On the strength of 
 these statements I gave him nine thousand dollars 
 worth of goods. His brother-in-law died soon 
 after, but he, being absent-minded, forgot all about 
 his promise to pay me the money received from the 
 insurance company on account of his brother-in- 
 law's death." 
 
 " Too much brother-in-law again," chimed in the 
 doctor. 
 
 "After a few months had elapsed his store was 
 burned to the ground; his means of support wiped 
 out, and his wife and children were hungry. He 
 had his goods fully insured, but the insurance com- 
 pany refused to pay the face of the policy on 
 account of him having a mortgage upon the stock. 
 The case was fought in the courts for over a year. 
 He first took it to Hastings and Schoolcraft, who, 
 also, while being retained by him, took the side of 
 the insurance company. He then took it, Upon my 
 recommendation, to Randall J. Leboeuf, who fougfet 
 it for him. While all this was going on, I was 
 giving him twenty-five dollars a week to keep
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 217 
 
 starvation and want from himself and family. What 
 do you think did this ungrateful brute do, but go 
 to the insurance company in my absence, tell them 
 that if they gave him his two thousand dollars and 
 five hundred dollars for his lawyer's fees, he would 
 sell me out. He received his cash from the in- 
 surance companies, for which he bought a farm, 
 putting it in his wife's name. He then went 
 through the bankrupt court, in order to shut me 
 out from collecting my debts against him." 
 
 They all agreed that this ungrateful wretch was 
 the lowest specimen of his race, and should be 
 ostracised by all respectable citizens; his name 
 blotted from the roll of humanity and entered in 
 the books in the rattlesnake world. 
 
 " So mote it be," said the doctor. " Well, never 
 mind, Abner; let bye-gones be bye-gones. When 
 yet get the beautiful widow on Atlantic Avenue 
 you'll soon forget all the reptiles you have met in 
 your past life; the clouds will all have been rolled 
 by, and the sunshine of happiness and contentment, 
 will, we all hope, forever dwell upon a sanctified 
 home, made so by truth, and true affection, and may 
 no brother-in-law ever again desecrate your home 
 with his presence. Good bye."
 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 In the preceding pages, I have given a description 
 of one of the many rattlesnakes found in the Cal- 
 ifornia mountains. Mrs. C. F. Klise, Clarinda, 
 Iowa, who is a woman above the average intelli- 
 gence and travel, was pleased to call me down in 
 the following words: 
 
 " Did you ever see a rattlesnake ? I have killed 
 them, and I found that they carried one front fang, 
 and not the silken, fine teeth that you describe." 
 
 Fearing that there might be others who have seen 
 only one kind of rattler, I would say that there are 
 over one hundred, all differing in the shape of the 
 head and teeth. These various characters, with 
 the exception of the Aproterodontes, which refer to 
 the under jaw, have reference to the upper jaw 
 only. I fear it would be dry reading to enter into 
 a minute description of all which came across my 
 path. Sufficient for the present purpose to show 
 that such varieties exist and that it is much safer to 
 keep, at least, ten feet of mother earth between 
 you and any reptile. Now, the rattler with the 
 fine teeth, is disarmed in the following manner: 
 We put a forked stick (down on his body near the 
 head, pinning him to the ground, then allowed him 
 to bite at a silk handkerchief, and in that way, we
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 219 
 
 pulled out all his teeth and rendered him harmless. 
 Some harmless snakes have fangs, that is to say, 
 fang-like teeth, but not connected with any poison 
 gland, and at the back, instead of the front jaw. 
 Again, there are some nonvenomous species that 
 have the power of moving these fang-like teeth, 
 raising or depressing them, as vipers move their 
 fangs and as will be further described presently. 
 Some grooved teeth convey an acrid saliva; others 
 have not any modification of the saliva, the long 
 teeth being of use in holding thick-skinned prey. 
 Thus, we find every gradation, both in number and 
 form, until we come to the terror the murderous 
 tooth of the terrible cobra of California. In some 
 of the snakes the teeth are so fine as to be almost 
 imperceptible to the naked eye. To the touch they 
 feel like points of the finest pins. Nicholson gives 
 the following four stages : First, the fangs of the 
 harmless snakes, which have no poison gland, but 
 whose saliva is injurious; secondly, those having a 
 salivary gland secreting poison and a grooved fang 
 in front of some simple teeth ; thirdly, the maxiliary 
 bone shorter, bearing one poison fang with a perfect 
 canal, with one or two teeth behind it; fourthly, 
 the maxiliary bone so reduced as to be higher than 
 long, containing only a single tooth. The poison 
 gland, after all, is only a modified salivary gland; 
 it lies behind the eye, whence the venom is con- 
 veyed by a duct to the base of the fang, down along
 
 220 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 and sometimes through it and is emitted at what 
 we may for the present call the point, into the 
 wound made by it something on the principle of 
 an insect's sting; as, when inserting the sting, the 
 pressure forces the poison out of a gland at its 
 base, so does the pressure of certain muscles act 
 upon the poison gland, when a snake opens its 
 mouth to strike. In some of the most venomous, 
 viz., the viperine families, the largely developed 
 glands give that peculiar breadth to the head. 
 There is a hideous, repulsive look about some of 
 these that seem to announce their deadly character, 
 even to those who see one for the first time. The 
 evil expression of the eye, the devilish curve of the 
 mouth, with its wide gap downwards and then up 
 again, are unmistakably treacherous, venomous, 
 vicious. Like all other animal secretions, poison 
 is produced, expended and renewed, but not always 
 with equal rapidity, climate, season and temperature 
 as well as the vigor of the villain influencing the 
 secretion; the hotter the weather, the more active 
 the serpent. When the poison gland is full and the 
 old boy angry, you may see the venom flowing 
 from the points of the silken teeth or deadly horned 
 fang, and by a forcible expiration, the reptile can 
 eject it. I have seen this in some species, when 
 angry. They will strike at you with the sound like 
 a sneeze or spit, sending out their forked flaming 
 tongue and gnashing their mobile fangs, letting
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 221 
 
 you see they have a good stock of the venom on 
 hand, and it is at your service. They may almost 
 be said to spit at you, though literally, it is the 
 mouth running with poison, combined with a natural 
 impulse to strike, which produces this effect. We 
 can, however, by this, judge of the force with which 
 the venom is thrown at you. Some travellers tell 
 us that serpents spout poison into your eye. If an 
 angry one strike and miss its aim, the poisons then 
 seem to fly from its mouth, sometimes to a distance 
 of several feet. 
 
 C. C. Hopely writes that the most popular and 
 perhaps the most obtainable of all remedies for the 
 cure if any cure there is is alcohol. No wonder 
 the backwoodsmen resort to this, which, without 
 any chopping off of ringers or toes, personal pyro- 
 technics, or other local tortures, deadens his sen- 
 sibility, renders him unconscious of suffering, and 
 sends him into a happy obliviousness of danger. It 
 is not a refined mode of treatment, nor one that 
 presents many opportunities of exhibiting profes- 
 sional skill; and it is, no doubt, somewhat deroga- 
 tory to admit that to become dead drunk is an 
 effective remedy against snake venom. Other old 
 and inelegant remedies we hear of as practiced by 
 the bushmen of South Africa and savage tribes 
 elsewhere, but revolting in the hands of refined 
 practitioners. Deference to science, and loyalty 
 to the profession demands some more elaborate
 
 222 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 means ; yet, the efficacy of whisky or brandy is ad- 
 mitted by most people, and the pioneer who has not 
 a doctor within miles of him, has his demijohn of 
 whisky at hand. During a sojourn in Iowa, some 
 years ago, when wild and uncleared lands formed 
 the streets of the town in which I was staying, it 
 was by no means, an infrequent occurrence to hear 
 of rattlesnake bites. " What was done to the man ? 
 Is he alive ? " were questions naturally asked. " He 
 drank a quart of whisky and got dead drunk." 
 Generally, a quart had the desired effect that is, 
 of causing intoxication. Persons unused to intoxi- 
 cants might be affected by a less quantity, but so 
 violent is the combat between venom and whisky, 
 that a large dose must be swallowed before any 
 effects, at all, are produced. In the Southern and 
 hotter States, it was similarly used. Indeed, a 
 planter himself told me that Sambo would some- 
 times prick his hand or foot with a thorn and cry- 
 ing out, " Rattlesnake, Massa," fall into well- 
 assumed agonies, preferring drunkenness to cotton 
 picking; but, when the fraud was detected and less 
 enticing remedies were adopted, rattlesnake bites 
 became less frequent. 
 
 Another cure for it is to poultice the wound with 
 salaratus and drink brandy. It is important to 
 impress on the reader lest from the cures above 
 given, I appear to argue that snake bite is not so 
 serious, after all. Notwithstanding these cures, the
 
 TOO MUCH BROTHER-IN-LAW. 223 
 
 South Americans, in the midst of the most deadly 
 serpents, fly to their tent and prepare for death. 
 Explorers tell us they lay themselves down to die, 
 when bitten by certain snakes. They are said to 
 resign hope, when bitten by the Peruvian viper. In 
 these cases, the symptoms show an exhaustion of 
 the nerve centers and decomposition of the blood. 
 This venom appears to be an indestructible fluid. 
 Toxically, it remains unaltered whether boiled or 
 frozen, or mixed with the strongest corrosives. Mix 
 it with water, alcohol or blood, it is still injurious. 
 The blood of an animal killed by a bite, if injected 
 into the veins of another animal, kills that one also 
 and the blood of the second is fatal to the third and 
 the third to the fourth and so on. Frayrer found 
 that no less than nine creatures could be affected 
 by one cobra. A dog, a pigeon and seven fowls 
 were bitten and all died. The professional snake 
 men who are looked on as so brave, never have a 
 cobra in their possession with the fatal fang. As 
 before hinted, it is just as safe to give them all a 
 wide berth, for, what is known as the mocassin 
 snake in Virginia, may be harmless, while one of 
 the same name in Mexico, may have the deadly 
 drop. 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY
 
 H 
 O 
 O 
 
 A 000039838