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BON-MOTS OF THE
EIGHTEENTH CENTURY.
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EIGHTEENTH
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"A penetrating wit hath an air of divination."
— La Rochefoucault.
" True wit is nature to advantage drest
O/t thought be/ore, hut ne'er so well exprest."
— Pope.
" Wit may be more rigorously and philosophically
considered as a kind of concordia discors — a com-
bination of dissimilar images or discovery of
occult resemblances in things apparently unlike" —
Johnson.
ik Nothing is so much admired, and so little
understood as wit." — Addison.
" Tell me, oh tell, what kind of thing is 7vit,
Thou who master art of it ?
A thousand different shapes it bears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears.
Yonder we see it plain ; and here 'tis now,
Like spirits, in a place, we knotv not how. n
—Cowley.
" Were we, in fine, obliged ever to talk like
philosophers, assigning dry reasons for every thing,
and dropping grave sentences upon all occasions,
would it not much deaden human life, and make
ordinary conversation exceedingly to languish?" —
Harrow.
INTRODUCTION.
" TOOTHING," said Addison in beginning
the fifty-eighth Spectator, " Nothing is
so much admired and so little understood as
wit." To the Essayist the word meant very
much the same thing as it does to us, although
its significance has somewhat narrowed within
the past hundred and eighty-five years. A
"man of wit" of the eighteenth century was
not necessarily of the same type as a " man of
wit" of the nineteenth, but in the following
pages we are not concerned with all men of
wit of the eighteenth century, only with those
of them who manifested in their conversation
the possession of that volatile quality. In
other words, we are concerned with witty
things spoken rather than written. The object
has been to gather together a representative
collection of the " Bon-Mots of the Eighteenth
Century" and of the recorded conversational
witticisms of all sorts and conditions of men.
It is not by any means pretended that this
small volume enshrines all the conversational
6 Introduction.
good things recorded from the reign of William
of Orange to that of the third of the Georges,
nor is it even pretended that all the brilliant
repartees of Erskine, the solemn retorts of
Johnson, the neat mots of Chesterfield, are to
be found herein. The preparation of such a
complete collection would be a well-nigh end-
less task, and though it would be by no means
difficult to make a larger volume than this, to
do so would be to thwart the end in view — that
of providing a small companionable collection.
The plan pursued in earlier volumes of this
series, of giving contemporary descriptions of
the wits — of attempting to show them in their
habit as they lived, cannot be followed here,
where in place of two, some hundred and fifty
wits are represented. I have, therefore, thought
it would not be uninteresting, instead of show-
ing what those who lived in the eighteenth
century had to say of their men of wit, to give
some indications of their philosophical rlounder-
ings after a definition of wit itself. As Addison
said, it is but little understood, — yet every
person of average intelligence knows what is
wit, though he knows not what wit is.
Beauty, poetry, wit — they simply elude de-
finition. We may cite examples saying that
face or picture is beautiful, those lines are
poetry, that retort is wit, but yet we cannot
satisfactorily say why each is what it obviously is.
Many are the writers who have essayed a de-
Introduction. 7
finition of the elusive quality— letters three do
form its name— but a brief yet comprehensive
description of what is meant is yet to seek.
Nought but itself can be its parallel. We may,
with Archbishop Tillotson, entirely beg the
question, and call wit "a very commendable
Quality " ; we may follow the lead of a philoso-
pher, John Locke, and call it an assemblage of
congruous ideas; we may vaguely term it "a
series of high and exalted ferments" with Sir
Richard Blackmore, or a coucordia discors with
the great lexicographer ; but in the end we are
left very much where we started, strong in the
knowledge that wit is wit.
We have, indeed, a kind of coucordia discors
in the following strainings after the apparently
unattainable, yet far be it from the compiler to
suggest that the assemblage of ideas constitutes
a witty introduction. The dates after the various
definer's names are in all cases those of the
author's death, and we will begin with two
writers who died before the close of the seven-
teenth century.
Isaac Barrow (1677): But first it may ->e
demanded what the thing we speak of is, or
what this facetiousness doth import ? To which
question I might reply as Democritus did to
him that asked the definition of a man — " 'Tis
that which we all see and know ; " anyone better
apprehends what it is by acquaintance than I
8 Introduction.
can inform him by description. It is indeed a
thing so versatile and multiform, appearing in
so many shapes, so many postures, so many
garbs, so variously apprehended by several eyes
and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard to
settle a clear and certain notion thereof, than to
make a portrait of Proteus, or to define the
figure of the fleeting air. Sometimes it lieth in
pat allusion to a known story, or in seasonable
application of a trivial saying, or in forging an
apposite tale ; sometimes it playeth in words
and phrases, taking advantage from the am-
biguity of their sense, or the affinity of their
sound ; sometimes it is wrapped in a dress of
humorous expression ; sometimes it lurketh
under an odd similitude; sometimes it is
lodged in a sly question, in a smart answer, in
a quirkish reason, in a shrewd intimation, in
cunningly diverting or cleverly retorting an
objection : sometimes it is couched in a bold
scheme of speech, in a tart irony, in a lusty
hyperbole, in a startling metaphor, in a plau-
sible reconciling of contradictions, or in acute
nonsense ; sometimes a scenical representation
of persons or things, a counterfeit speech,
a mimical look or gesture passetfa for it : some-
times an affected simplicity, sometimes a pre-
sumptuous bluntness giveth it being ; sometimes
it riseth from a lucky hitting upon what is
strange, sometimes from a crafty wresting
obvious matter to the purpose I often it eon-
Introduction. 9
sisteth in one knows not what, and springeth up
one can hardly tell how. Its ways are unac-
countable and inexplicable, being answerable
to the numberless rovings of fancy and windings
of language. It is, in short, a manner of speak-
ing out of the simple and plain way (such as
reason teacheth and proveth things by), which
by a pretty surprising uncouthness in conceit
or expression doth affect or amuse the fancy,
stirring in it some wonder, and breeding some
delight thereto. It raiseth admiration, as sig-
nifying a nimble sagacity of apprehension, a
special felicity of invention, a vivacity of spirit
and reach of wit more than vulgar : it seeming
to argue a rare quickness of parts, that one
can fetch in remote conceits applicable ; a
notable skill, that he can dexterously accomo-
date them to the purpose before him ; together
with a lively briskness of humour, not apt to
damp those sportful flashes of imagination.
Archbishop Tillotson (1694): Wit is a
very commendable Quality, but then a wise
man should have the keeping of it. It is a
sharp weapon, as apt for mischief as for good
purpose, if it be not well managed. The proper
use of it is to season conversation, to represent
what is praiseworthy to the greatest advantage
and to expose the vices and follies of men, such
things as are in themselves truly ridiculous.
John Locke (1704) : Men who have a great
io Introduction.
deal of wit, and prompt memories, have not
always the clearest judgment or deepest reason :
for wit lying mostly in the assemblage of ideas,
and putting those together with quickness and
variety wherein can be found any resemblance
or congruity, whereby to make up pleasant
pictures and agreeable visions in the fancy ;
judgment, on the contrary, lies quite on the
other side, in separating carefully, one from
another, ideas wherein can be found the least
difference— thereby to avoid being misled by
.similitude, and by affinity to take one thing for
another. This is a way quite contrary to
metaphor and allusion, wherein for the most
part lies that entertainment and pleasantry of
wit which strikes so lively on the fancy ; and
therefore is so acceptable to all people — because
its beauty appears at first sight, and there is
required no labour of thought to examine what
truth or reason there is in it. The mind,
without looking any further, rests satisfied with
the agreeableness of the picture and the gaiety
of the fancy; and it is a kind of affront to go
about to examine it by the severe rules of truth
and good reason, whereby it appears that it
consists in something that is not perfectly con-
foi mable to them.
Joseph Addison (171';): This is,* I think,
Addison is commenting on the very passage of
Locke's quoted just before.
Introduction. 1 1
the best and most philosophical account that
I have ever met with of wit, which generally,
though not always, consists in such a resem-
blance and congruity of ideas as this author
mentions. I shall only add to it by way of
explanation, that every resemblance of ideas
is not that which we call wit, unless it be such
an one as gives delight and surprise to the
reader ; these two properties seem essential to
wit, more particularly the last of them. In
order, therefore, that the resemblance in the
ideas be wit, it is necessary that the ideas
should not lie too near one another in the
nature of things ; for where the likeness is
obvious it gives no surprise. To compare one
man's singing to another, or to represent the
whiteness of any object by that of milk and
snow, or the variety of its colours by those of
the rainbow, cannot be called wit, unless,
besides this obvious resemblance, there be some
further congruity discovered in the two ideas
that is capable of giving the reader some sur-
prise. Thus when a poet tells us, the bosom
of his mistress is as white as snow, there is no
wit in the comparison ; but when he adds, with
a sigh, that it is as cold too, it then grows into
wit.
Sir Richard BLACKMORE (1729): Tho per-
haps the Talent which we call Wit, like that of
Humour, is as clearly understood by its simple
12 Introduction.
Term, as by the most labour'd Description ; an
Argument [f]or which is this, That many in-
genious Persons, by their unsuccessful Essays to
explain it, have rather obscur'd than illustrated
its Idea ; I will notwithstanding Adventure to
give the Definition of it, which, tho it may fall
short of Perfection, yet I imagine, will come
nearer to it, than any that has yet appear' d. Wit
is a Qualification of the Mind, that raises and
enlivens cold Sentiments and plain Propositions,
by giving them an elegant and surprising Turn.
. . . As to its efficient Cause ; Wit owes its
Production to an extraordinary and peculiar
Temperament in the Constitution of the Posses-
sors of it, in which is found a concurrence of
regular and exalted Ferments and an Affluence
of Animal Spirits refin'd and rectify'd to a
great degree of Purity.
Anonymous (1745) :
True Wit's a spark of that Vivific ray
Whose glory makes the whole Creation gay.
SAMUEL Johnson 11784): Wit may be
more rigorously and philosophically considered
as a kind of concordia discors— a combination
of dissimilar images or discovery of occult
resemblances in things apparently unlike.
George Campbell (1796): it is the design
oi wit to excite in the mind an agreeable sur-
prise, and that arising, not from anything
Introduction. 13
marvellous in the subject, but solely from the
imagery she employs, or the strange assemblage
of related ideas presented to the mind. This
end is effected in one or other of these three
ways : first, in debasing things pompous, or
seemingly grave : I say seemingly grave, be-
cause to vilify what is truly grave, has something
shocking in it, which rarely fails to counteract
the end ; secondly, in aggrandising things little
and frivolous ; thirdly, in setting ordinary
objects, by means not only remote but appar-
ently contrary, in a particular and uncommon
point of view. . . . Wit and humour commonly
concur in a tendency to provoke laughter, by
exhibiting a curious and unexpected affinity ;
the first generally by comparison, either direct
or implied, the second by connecting in some
other relation, such as casuality or vicinity,
objects apparently the most dissimilar and
heterogeneous ; which incongruous affinity, we
may remark by the way, gives the true mean-
ing of the word oddity, and is the proper object
of laughter.
In case some readers should be struck by the
omission from the following pages of the many
mots of two such famous wits as Samuel Foote
and Richard Brinsley Sheridan, I may point
out here that they are both fully represented
in the first and third volumes of this series.
W. J.
BON-MOTS OF THE
EIGHTEENTH CENTURY.
BON-MOTS
THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY.
■\X7"HEN Addison lived in Kensington Square
he is said to have taken considerable
pains in studying Montaigne's Essays, but at
length threw the book aside.
' ' Well, sir," said a gentleman present, ' ' what
do you think of this famous French author ? "
"Think," replied he, "why, that a dark
dungeon and fetters would probably have been
of some service in restoring this author's in-
firmities."
mprison a man for singularity
" How, sir !
in writing?"
" Why not,'
replied Addison, ' ' had he been
i8 Bon-Mots
a horse he would have been pounded for
straying out of his bounds ; and why, as a
man, he ought to be more favoured I really do
not understand.''
"D ANNISTER was complained to by a friend
that some malicious person had cut off
his horse's tail, which, as he had wished to sell
him, must prove a great drawback.
"Not at all," said the actor, "you must
now sell him wholesale."
" Wholesale ! How so? "
" Because you cannot re-tail him."
A PHYSICIAN, observing Bannister about
to drink a glass of brandy, said : " Don't
drink that filthy stuff; brandy is the worst
enemy you have."
"I know that," responded Charles, "but
you know we are commanded by Scripture to
love our enemies."
-^A/VW—
B'
[ARRYMORE, arriving late at the theatre
and having to dress for his part, was
driven to desperation because the key of his
drawer was missing.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 19
"Damn it!" said he, "I must have
swallowed it."
"Never mind,'' said Jack Bannister, "it
will serve to open your chest."
^A/\JV^-
"DEING caught one day in a shower of rain,
the elder Bannister (Charles) went for
shelter into a combmaker's shop where an old
man was at work.
" I am sorry," said Bannister, after watching
him for some time, "that a person at your
time of life should have so much pain."
"Pain, I have no pain, thank God!" ex-
claimed the man.
" But you must have," urged the aetor, " are
you not cutting your teeth ? "
-^A/\A/v
A FRIEND, inquiring of Bannister about a
man who had been hanged, was told he
was dead.
"And did he continue in the grocery line?"
enquired the former.
"Oh, no," replied Bannister, "he was in
quite a different line when he died."
Bon -Mob
T~)0 you know what made my voice so
melodious ?
said a celebrated singer of
awkward manners to
Bannister.
" No," replied he.
"Why, then, I'll
tell you. When I was
about fifteen I swal-
lowed, by accident,
some train oil."
" Well," retorted
Bannister, " I don't
think it would have
done you any harm if,
at the same time, you
had swallowed a danc-
ing master.''''
"OANNISTER, being asked his opinion of a
new singer who had appeared at Covent
Garden, said, "Well, he may be Robin Hood
this season, but he will be robbing Harris (then
manager) the next."
— "AA/W-
A COUPLE of actors, who had both been
tailors, were met under the Pia/.za, Covent
Garden, by Bannister, who addressed them
saying, " I never see you two fellows to-
gether without being reminded of Measure for
Measure."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 21
DANNISTER was informed by a friend that
he had written a farce entitled Fire and
Water.
" I predict its fate," said the actor.
"What fate?" enquired the anxious author.
" What fate!" echoed Bannister, "why,
what can fire and water produce but a hiss?"
VK7HEX Bannister had been mercilessly chaff-
ing a fellow actor, someone whispered
to him, "the gentleman says he'll blow you
up."
"Will he so?" said Charles, "then you
know I must go off."
CIR JONAH BARRINGTON is responsible
for the following good story at the expense
of the great orator and wit, Curran : Curran
as a boy had heard someone say that any per-
son throwing the skirts of his coat over his
head, stooping low, holding out his arms, and
creeping along backward, would put the fiercest
dog to flight. He accordingly made the attempt
upon a miller's dog in the neighbourhood, who
would never let the boys rob the orchard, but
found, to his sorrow, that he had a dog to deal
with who did not care which end of a bov went
22 Bon-Mots
forward, so as lie could get a good bite out
of it.
" I pursued the instructions," said Curran,
"and, as I had no eyes save those in front,
fancied the mastiff was in full retreat ; but I
was confoundedly mistaken, for at the very
moment I thought myself victorious, the enemy
attacked my rear, got a reasonable good mouth-
ful out of it, and was fully prepared to take
another before I was rescued. Egad ! I thought
for a time the beast had devoured my entire
centre of gravity, and that I should never go on
a steady perpendicular again.
"Upon my word, Curran," said I, "the
mastiff may have left your centre, but he could
not have left much gravity behind him among
the bystanders."
F\R BARTON was discussing with Dr Nash
two volumes on Worcestershire antiquities
which the latter had published. He pointed
out to the author several shortcomings, and
then enquired —
" Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the
peace?"
" I am," replied the other.
"Then," said Barton, "I would advise you
to send your work to the house of correction ."
Of the Eighteenth Century,
23
T ORD BATH, on being told of the first
determination of turning Pitt out of the
ministry and letting Fox remain, said that it
put him in mind of a
story of the Gunpow-
der Plot. The Lord
Chamberlain was sent
to examine the vaults
under the House of
Parliament, and, re-
turning with his report,
said that he had found
five and twenty barrels
of gunpowder ; he had
removed ten of them, and hoped the rest would
do no harm.
— a/VW
yOPHAM BEAUCLERC was by no means
the least brilliant of the circle that gathered
around Dr Johnson at the Literary Club, and
his wit was sometimes equal to that of the
best.
" Now that gentleman, Mr Beauclerc, against
whom you are so violent," said Bos well one
day, eager to please Johnson by defending one
of his friends, "is, I know, a man of good
principles."
"Then he does not wear them out in prac-
tice," quietly retorted Beauclerc.
24 Bon-Mots
"POR a short time Goldsmith, availing himself
of his medical degree, set up as a fashion-
able doctor. When attending a lady of his
acquaintance, his opinion differed from that of
the apothecary already in attendance. The
patient thought the apothecary the safer coun-
sellor, and Goldsmith left the house in high
dudgeon. He would leave off prescribing for
his friends.
"Do so, my dear Doctor," observed Beau-
clerc ; "whenever you undertake to kill, let it
only be your enemies."
\X7HEN Lord Berkeley was dining with Lord
Chesterfield, the latter, under the influ-
ence of wine, asked the other, referring to a
recent accident —
"Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it
since you shot a gamekeeper?"
" Not since you hanged your tutor t my Lord,"
was the reply. It was Chesterfield who had
brought the notorious Dr Dodd to trial.
— wVW^
COMEONL having remarked that Dr John-
son's jokes were the rebukes of the
righteous, described in Scripture as being
like excellent oil.-
"Yes," said Burke, "oil of vitriol."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 25
DOSWELL, when a youth, went to the pit
of Covent Garden Theatre with Dr Blair,
and in a frolic began imitating the lowing of a
cow. Immediately the " gods " set up a cry of
" Encore the cow ! Encore the cow ! "
Proud of his success, Boswell attempted to
imitate other animals, but failed, when Dr
Blair turned to him, saying, " My dear sir,
I would confine myself to the cow."
CIR WILLIAM BROWNE, a physician,
hearing an epigram which had been made
by an Oxford professor on George the First's
sending a regiment to Oxford and a present of
books to Cambridge, immediately retorted im-
promptu —
" The King to Oxford sent a troop of horse,
For Tories own no argument but force ;
With equal skill to Cambridge books he sent,
For Whigs admit no force but argument."
-^Af\/\ff—
QEORGE BRUDENEL attended Lord
Bute's first lev£e, which was very
crowded. Just as he arrived, someone in
the mob said, "What is the matter here?"
"Why," exclaimed Brudenel, "there is a
Scotchman got into the Treasury and they
can't get him out."
26 Bon -Mots
\7ILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was the
effectual means of getting a play damned.
He was in the stage box at the first perform-
ance, and when the hero, in a piece of bom-
bast, exclaimed —
" My wound is great because it is so small,''
the Duke immediately followed the line up
with—
" Then 'twould l>e greater were there none at all."
— WW/ —
DURKE, when proceeding with his historic
impeachment of Warren Hastings, was
interrupted by Major Scott, a small man.
"Am I," the orator thundered indignantly,
"to be teased by the barking of this jackal
while I am attacking the royal tiger of Ben-
gal?"
— -A/VVv—
(")F Lord Thurlow Burke happily said —
" He was a sturdy oak when at West-
minster, and a willow at St James's."
— WW/—
'"THE great orator told Fox that he had once
written a tragedy.
" Did you let Garrick see it?" asked Fox.
"No, though I had the folly to write it I
had the wit to keep it to myself,"
Of the Eighteenth Century
DURKE gave a vehement denial to Boswell's
contention that Croft's Life of Young was
a successful imitation of
Johnson's style : " No, no,
it is not a good imitation
of Johnson. It has all his
pomp, without his force ;
it has all the nodosities
of the cak without its
strength;" — then, after a
pause, — "it has all the
contortions of the Sibyl —
without the inspiration."
— *Al\l\tt—
\\7 HEN someone spoke of Fox's attachment
to France, Burke answered —
' ' Yes, his attachment has been great and
long ; for like a cat, he has continued faithful
to the house after the family has left it."
"\A7"HEX Burke was told of Erskine's opinion
on the impeachment of Warren Hastings,
he exclaimed with some warmth —
" What ! a nisi-prius lawyer give an opinion
on an impeachment ! as well might a rabbit,
that breeds fifty times in the year, pretend to
understand the gestation of an elephant."
28
Bon-Mots
TN the Parliament of 1783 sat a dull member
for Hull, one David Hartley, whose long-
winded speeches generally tended to empty the
House. One day when he had been thus
wearisome, having reduced the House from
300 to about 80 persons, half asleep, just at a
time when he was supposed
to be concluding, he unex-
pectedly moved that the Riot
Act should be read to prove
some assertion that he had
made.
Burke, who sat close by
him, and who had been for
an hour and a half bursting
with impatience to speak
upon the question, finding
himself so cruelly disappointed, jumped to his
feet, exclaiming : "The Riot Act, my dear friend,
the Riot Act ! to what purpose? don't you see
that the mob has already quietly dispersed?"
This sarcastic wit, increased in effect by
Burke's despairing tone, convulsed every person
present, except the member for Hull, who per-
sisted in having the Riot Act read by one of the
clerks.
TDURNS, alter his first triumphal visit to the
Scotch capital, was asked if the Edinburgh
literati had mended his poems by their criticism.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 29
" Sir," replied he, " these gentlemen remind
me of some spinsters in my country, who spin
their thread so fine, that it is neither good for
weft nor woof."
(~\y its being observed that persons calling
themselves democrats did not hold long
together, Burke said, " Birds of prey are not
gregarious."
~T)R BL'RNEY, author of the happy anagram
on the victor of the Nile — " Honor est a
Nilo" (Horatio Nelson) was a most absent-
minded man. On one occasion when he was
visiting Nelson he had neglected to take a
night-cap, and consequently borrowed one from
his host. Before retiring, having put on the
cap, he sat down over a book at the table and
was shortly alarmed by finding that the cap
had caught fire from the candle. He immedi-
ately returned the damaged article to Nelson,
with the following impromptu verse —
" Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,
I would not retain it a minute ;
What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's^? re.
Is sure to be instantly in it."
,}o Bon-Mots
JAMES BOSWELL mentioned a scheme
which he had of making a tour of the Isle
of Man, and writing a full account of it. Burke
immediately suggested as a motto for the work —
" The proper study of mankind is Man /"
— vVVVv—
"T\R BUSBY, who was beneath the common
size, was in a coffee room one day ad-
dressed by a very tall Irish baronet, who accosted
him with —
" May I pass to my seat, O giant?"
"Pass, O pigmy," said the doctor, politely
giving way.
" Oh ! sir," said the baronet, " my expression
alluded to the size of your intellect."
"And my expression, sir, to the size of
yours," neatly retorted the doctor.
— vwV/—
DUSII1 1 ', had the reputation of a political
warrior, and on the formation of the
Grenville ministry he apologised for his ab-
sence from Court on the ground that he was
cabinet making. On his return the Chancellor
maliciously disclosed the excuse, but Bushe
neatly turned it with the retort : " Oh, indeed,
my lord, that is an occupation in which my
friend would distance me, as I was never ;i
turner or a joiner."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 31
Y\/HEN something was said about Burns
accepting such a post as that of excise-
man, he happily observed: "I would much
rather have it said that my profession bor-
rowed credit from me, than that I borrowed
it from my profession.'
COMEONE having remarked that the judges
of the Court of Common Pleas had little
or nothing to do, Bushe quietly remarked,
" Well, well, they are equal to it."
A FTER a day's hunting George the Third
entered into conversation with a wine
merchant, one Carbonel by name, and rode
with him for some distance. Lord Walshing-
ham, who was in attendance
on the King, watched for an
opportunity, and then took
Carbonel aside and whispered
some advice to him.
"What's that? What's
that Walshingham has been
saying to you?" asked the
King.
"I find, sir," replied the wine merchant,
"that I have been unintentionally guilty of
disrespect ; my lord informed me that I ought
32 Bon-Mots
to have taken oft' my hat whenever I addressed
your Majesty ; but your Majesty will please to
observe that, whenever I hunt, my hat is
fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened
to my head, and I am on the back of a very
high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off,
we must all go off together."
The King is said to have laughed heartily
over the adequate apology.
— vvVW—
V ATHEN Lord Cartaret was Lord-Lieutenant
of Ireland, Dean Swift visited the Castle,
and having waited for some time without seeing
him, wrote upon one of the windows of the
audience chamber : —
" My very good lord, 'tis a very hard task
For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask."
Under this Cartaret wrote the following reply,
especially happy in view of the fact that Swift's
Drapiers Letters were then being published : —
"My very good Dean, there are few who come here
But have something to ask or something to fear."
—*J\J\f*
s
SOMEONE having stolen Lord Chatham's
large "gouty" shoes, his servant began
to make a great fuss. "Never mind," said
the Earl, "all the harm I wish the rogue is,
that the shoes may//7 him."
w 1
Of the Eighteenth Century. 33
THE Earl of Chatham, who bore no good
will to a certain physician, was rallying
him one day about the value of his prescrip-
tions. To which the doctor replied that he
defied any of his patients to find fault with
him.
"I believe you," replied the Earl, "for they
are all dead ! "
-wvVVv—
HEN the Ministers of 1766 sought the
confidence of Lord Chatham, he replied
that their characters were fair enough, and he
was always glad to see such persons engaged
in the public service ; but, turning to them
with a smile, very courteous, but not very
respectful, he said —
"Confide in you ? Oh, no — you must pardon
me, gentlemen— youth is the season of credulity
— confidence is a plant of slow growth in an aged
bosom."
— A/\/Vv-
/^HATHAM was one of a party at whist
when a player, with a bitter oath, de-
clared that he had the worst hand in the com-
pany. His lordship said that he had a ivorse,
when a considerable bet was proposed and
accepted. Lord Chatham then drew off his
glove and showed his gouty hand, and the com-
pany unanimously pronounced in his favour.
C
34 Bon-Mots
THE Earl of Chatham, when Mr Pitt, in a de-
bate with a political opponent, made some
points by referring to that opponent's personal
appearance. The member criticised arose and
complained bitterly of the abuse ; declared that
he could not help his looks : " the honourable
gentleman finds fault with my features ; how
would he have me look ? "
"The honourable gentleman," said Pitt,
starting to his feet, "asks me how I would
have him look? I would have him look as he
ought, if he could ; I would have him look as
he cannot, if he would ; I would have him look
like an honest man.'"
A BIBULOUS friend informed Lord Ches-
terfield that he had drank six bottles of
wine.
" Hm ! " said Chesterfield, with a grave face,
" that is more than I can sivallow."
T ORD CHESTERFIELD, hearing it re-
marked that man is the only creature
endowed with the power of laughter, re-
marked, "True, and it may be added he is
the only creature that deserves to be laughed
at."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
A N old gentleman who frequently encountered
Chatterton at the Cyder Cellars, one even-
ing requested the pleasure of the poet's com-
pany to supper at his house. After the meal
some very sour wine was placed on
the table. This the host praised ex-
travagantly as he was filling Chatter-
ton's glass, requesting him at the same
time to drink a bumper to the memory
of Shakespeare.
The youth had not finished his glass
when tears stood in his eyes.
God bless me ! " said the
"you are in tears,
old
Mr
gentleman,
Chatterton."
' ' Yes, sir, " said the poet, ' ' this dead
wine of yours compels me to shed tears, but, by
heaven, they are not the tears of veneration ! "
'AA/w-
QNE of the last times the Earl of Chesterfield
was at Court, a Miss Chudleigh and
another lady went up to him, and after an
exchange of civilities, one of them said to
the witty Earl —
" Now, my lord, I suppose we shall hear of
our faults and follies."
" No, no," replied Chesterfield. " Not so ;
I never choose to talk of what all the town
talks about."
36 Bon-Mots
A FLURRIED official rushed into Lord
Chesterfield's room exclaiming, "They're
rising in Connaught ! "
" Well, sir," said Chesterfield, coolly looking
at his watch, " it's nine o'clock, and they ought
to be."
"V\7"HEN Whitfield became widely popular, it
was debated in "high places," what
should be done to stop his preaching. Lord
Chesterfield, being present, turned upon his
heel, saying, "Make him a Bishop and you
will silence him at once."
TT being asked whether the piers of the new
Westminster Bridge were to be of stone or
wood, Lord Chesterfield promptly said, "Oh,
of stone, to be sure, for we have too many
wooden peers at Westminster already."
— *j\l\tv- —
TORI) CHESTERFIELD having proposed
a certain person to fill a place of great
trust, the king expressed his desire to appoint
someone else. The Council, however, resolved
not to indulge the King for fear of creating a
dangerous precedent, and it became the duty
Of the Eighteenth Century. 37
of Chesterfield to present the grant of office for
signature. Not to notify this too abruptly he
diplomatically begged to know with whose name
his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks
filled up.
"With the devil's," said the king in a rage.
"And," said the Earl coolly, "shall the
instrument run as usual — Our trusty and well-
beloved cousin and counsellor f "
The King laughed heartily, it is reported, at
the courtier's wit. and signed the grant.
— 'AA/w-
"DEFORE Lord Melcombe was elevated to
the peerage his name was Bubb. When
it was proposed to send him as Ambassador to
Spain, he happened to meet Lord Chesterfield,
who informed him that he was not a fit person
to represent England at the Spanish Court,
on account of the brevity of his name, as the
Dons pride themselves on the length of their
titles, 'unless " added Lord Chesterfield, "you
choose to call yourself Silly-Bubb f"
(")N being informed that a noted termagant
had married a notorious gamester, Ches-
terfield remarked that cards and brimstone
made the best matches.
3S Bon-Mots.
T^RYDEN'S Virgil being praised by a
bishop, Lord Chesterfield readily com-
mented : "The original is indeed excellent;
but everything suffers by a translation — except
a bishop /"
THE Corporation of Rath placed a full-sized
picture of Beau Nash in the pump room
between the busts of Newton and Pope. Lord
Chesterfield on hearing of this promptly uttered
the following witty epigram : —
" Immortal Newton never spoke
More truth than here you'll find ;
Nor Pope himself ne'er penned a joke
Severer on mankind.
This picture placed the busts between,
Adds to the satire strength ;
Wisdom and wit are little seen
Hut folly at full length."'
-w\/\yv^-
T^INTNG at a tavern Lord Chesterfield com-
plained that the plates and dishes were
very dirty.
"It is said that every one must cat a peck oj
dirt before he dies," coolly observed the waiter.
"That may be true," said the enraged
customer, "but no one is obliged to eat it all
,// one meal, you dirty dog."
40 Bon- Mots
vyHEN Chesterfield called upon the Duke
of Newcastle, his Grace happened to be
engaged and the Earl was asked to take a seat
in an ante-room. The only book at hand was
Garnet upon Job, a book dedicated to the
Duke. On entering the room his Grace found
his visitor so busy reading that he asked him
what he thought of the book.
"In any other place, I should not think
much of it," replied Chesterfield; "but there
is so much propriety in putting a volume upon
patience in the room where every visitor is to
wait for your Grace, that here it must be con-
sidered one of the best books in the -world."
— A/\/\/V< —
(~\N the occasion of a certain society marriage
Chesterfield said that ' ' Nobody's son had
married Everybody's daughter."
— *aA/V* —
r^HESTERFIELD was with Voltaire at a
fashionable rout at Paris, when the latter
enquired —
"My lord, I know you are a judge: which
are more beautiful, the English or the French
ladies?"
"Upon my word," replied Chesterfield, "1
am no connoisseur of paintings."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 41
(~\F a lackadaisical couple dancing a minuet,
Lord Chesterfield remarked that ' ' they
looked as if they were hired to do it, and were
doubtful of being paid."
—fAjW^-
T ONG Sir Thomas Robinson, so named to
distinguish him from another baronet of
the same name, asked Lord Chesterfield for
some verses upon him. He immediately re-
ceived the following epigram —
" Unlike my subject now shall be my song ;
It shall be witty, and it shan't be long.''
T ORD CHESTERFIELD and a friend were
paying a morning visit, when just as the
latter had stepped out of the carriage, a great
lamp, which hung in the centre of an iron arch
before the door, fell, and missed the gentleman
but by half-an-inch.
"Good heavens!" exclaimed he, "I was
near being gone ! "
" Why yes," said his witty companion coolly,
' ' but there would have been one comfort
attending such an accident, that you would
have had extreme unction before you went."
4-
Bon-Mots
Q
UIN, Gibber, and some other players were
gathered together one evening when each
was rallied by
the others on account of his
infirmities.
"What in the name of
wonder," said Quin to Gibber,
"could ever make you think
yourself a proper figure for the
stage — a snuffling fellow with-
out a nose, and a pair of bandy
legs?"
"As to my nose," replied
Gibber, " I give it up, but I'll
lay a bottle of claret there's a
worse leg in the company
than this," producing his right
Everyone smiled contemp-
tuously, thinking it an insult to accept such a
challenge
leg,
/hy then," said he, producing his other
/here's a worse" which sure enough it was.
^A/l/W-
TT is related of a celebrated physician, Dr
Glarke, that when he was enjoying himself
in frolicsome mood with a few kindred spirits
and observed Beau Nash approaching, he
suddenly stopped, saying, " My boys, let us be
grave, here comes a fool/"
Of the Eighteenth Century. 43
"THEOPHILUS GIBBER, who was very
extravagant, asked his father one day for
a large sum of money.
"Zounds, sir," said Colley, "can't you live
upon your salary ? When I was your age I
never spent a farthing of my father's money."
" But you have spent a great deal of my
father's," retorted Theophilus, and gained his
end.
A N Irish barrister pleading before Lord
Clare got hopelessly mixed over a meta-
phor in which he had introduced an eagle, and
at length had abruptly to stop.
"The next time, sir," said the Chancellor,
"that you bring an eagle into court, I recom-
mend you to clip his wings"
/""OLLINS, the poet, having arrived in town
the day after a young lady, of whom he
was particularly fond, had left it, lamented his
want of luck in coming a day after the fair.
" T LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected
love-sick swain, in Colman's hearing.
"I don't wonder at it," said he, "since I
observed she had a sty in them when I saw her
last."
44 Bon-Mots.
(~* EORGE COLMAN, being once told that a
man whose character was not above re-
proach had grossly abused him, pointedly said
that " the scandal and ill-report of some per-
sons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
earth, it daubs your coat a little for a time, but
when it is rubbed off, your coat is so much the
cleaner."
— v\A/W—
"\ A 7" HEN Colman was in his last illness the
doctor who was attending him arrived late
one day, and apologised by saying that he had
been called in to see a man who had tumbled
down a well.
"Did he kick the bucket, doctor," groaned
the irrepressible humourist.
—*Af\J\lv—
THE wit often formed one of the company
of bon vivants and men of spirit who
gathered about the dinner table of Dr Kitchener.
Over the mantelpiece in his dining-room the
doctor had inscribed "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman, arriving early on the scene,
interpolated a brief monosyllable which made
the legend run— and we are informed that the
guests acted up to it — " Come at seven, go it at
eleven."
46 Bon-Mots
A YOUNG man in company being pressed
very hard to sing, even after he had said
that he could not, observed indignantly that
they were wanting to make a butt of him.
"Not at all, my good sir," said Colman,
" we merely want to get a stave out of you.
f~*OLMAN was dining with Lord Erskine
when the latter happened to remark that
he owned then about three thousand head of
sheep.
" Ah ! " interrupted Colman, " I perceive that
your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack."
--A/\A/v—
AS Cunningham, the poet, was fishing on a
Sunday near Durham the reverend (and
corpulent) Mr Brown, who chanced to pass by,
severely reproached him for breaking the
Sabbath, telling him that he was doubly repre-
hensible in that his good sense should have
taught him better.
"Your external appearance, reverend sir,"
replied the poet, "says that if your dinner was
at the bottom of the river with mine, you would
angle for it though it were a fast day and your
Saviour stood by to rebuke you."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 47
COUNSELLOR CRIPS and a medical
friend were dining at a nobleman's seat in
Inland, when the doctor strolled out into the
churchyard before dinner. The meal being
.served and the doctor not returned some sur-
prise was expressed.
' ' Oh, he has but just stepped out to pay a
visit to some of his old patients" said the
lawyer.
CAID a certain Irish judge, whose disposi-
tion may be guessed from his nickname
of " the hanging Judge," to the witty barrister
at a dinner table.
" Pray, Mr Curran, is that hung beef beside
you? If it is, I will try it."
" If you try it, my lord, it's sure to be hung"
replied Curran.
— 'A/W^-
r^URRAN, owing to Lord Clare's hostility,
lost much of his business in the Court of
Chancery, and had consequently to resume
nisi-prius business. Speaking of this, he
said : " I had been under full sail to fortune ;
but the tempest came and nearly wrecked me,
and ever since I have been only bearing up
under ju ry masts."
48
Bon-Mots
"yyHEN in talk with Sir Thomas Turton,
Curran happened to say that he could
never speak in public over
a quarter of an hour with-
out moistening his lips.
" There," said Sir
Thomas, " I have the ad-
vantage of you, for I spoke
the other night in the
House of Commons for
five hours, on the Nabob
of Oude, and never felt in
the least thirsty."
" It is very remarkable,
indeed," rejoined Curran,
' ' for everyone agrees that
was the driest speech of the
session."
— v\/VVv —
T ORD CLARE was always opposed to
Curran, and ever ready to slight him.
One day the judge had his dog with him in
court, and during the counsel's speech turned
aside and caressed the animal. Curran im-
mediately stopped.
"Go on, go on, Mr Curran," said Lord
Clare.
"Oh, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
retort, ' ' I really thought your lordship was
employed in consultation."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 49
A COUNTRYMAN who disputed a bill was
being examined by Curran, who asked,
" Did he not give you the coals, friend?"
" He did, sir, but "
' ' But what ? On your oath, witness, was not
your payment slack t"
-^AAArs—
" TT appears to me," said a judge in a will
dispute, " that the testator meant to keep
a life-interest in the estate to himself."
"Very true, my lord," said Curran in the
gravest manner, "but in this case I rather
think your lordship takes the -will for the deed."
/"""URRAN once laid a neat little trap for Lord
Avonmore, Chief Baron of the Exchequer,
who was much addicted to anticipating what
anyone addressing him was about to say.
" Coming through the market just now,"
said the witty orator in an alarmed tone,
" I saw a butcher with his knife, going to
kill a calf ; at that moment a child ran
across, and he killed "
"Oh my goodness! — he killed the child/"
exclaimed his lordship.
" No, my lord, the calf ; but you will antici-
pate."
D
50 Bon-Mots
A BARRISTER, having entered the Court
with his wig awry and having endured
chaff from a number of persons he met, at
length addressed himself to Curran, saying —
" Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig?'
" Nothing but the head," was the reply.
— a/Wv- —
/^URRAN, having made a statement in sup-
port of one of his cases, Lord Clare curtly
exclaimed —
"Oh! if that be law, Mr Curran, I may
burn my law-books ! "
" Better read them, my lord," was the sly re-
joinder.
— A/WV'--
TT was of Lord Clare, too, that Curran, who
was a political antagonist, said that he re-
minded him of a chimney-sweep, who had
raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and
then called aloud to his neighbours to witness
his dirty elevation.
— *A/\/Vs—
"LT EARING that a Stingy and slovenly bar-
rister had started for the < 'ontinent with a
shirt and a guinea, Curran promptly observed,
" He'll not change either till lie comes hack."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 51
fURRAN, having quarrelled with another
barrister, ended by calling him out. Now
Curran was a very small man
and his opponent, who was
a very stout one, objected,
saying: "You are so little
that I might fire at you a
dozen times without hitting,
whereas, the chance is that
you may shoot me at the
first fire."
"To convince you that I
don't wish to take any ad-
vantage," said Curran, "you
shall chalk my size on your
body and all hits out of the ring shall go for
nothing."
— *l\J\j\r* —
THE stupid foreman of a jury enquired of
a judge how he and his fellows were to
ignore a bill.
"Write," said Curran, " Ignoramus for self
and fellows on the back of it."
^A/W'
D 1
I U RING Curran's last illness his physician
observed one morning that he coughed
with more difficulty.
"That is rather surprising," said he, "as
I have been practising all night."
52 Bon-Mots
" THE mortality among Byron's mistresses,"
said a lady to Curran, " is really alarm-
ing. I think he generally buries, in verse, a
first love every fortnight."
" Madam," answered the wit, " mistresses
are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps
for the press and wipes his eyes with the public."
— a/^/vv- —
THE witty barrister was at Cheltenham when
his friends drew attention to a fashionable
Irish gentleman who had the ugly habit of keep-
ing his tongue exposed as he went along. On
being asked what his countryman's motive
could be, Curran readily hazarded the reply :
" Oh ! he's evidently trying to catch the English
accent."
A N Irish attorney, who had the misfortune to
be very lame, was tired with military ardour
during a time of trouble. Among the different
volunteer corps which were being formed, one
of lawyers was being organised. The lame
attorney, Macnally by name, meeting Cumin,
remarked —
" My dear friend, these are not times for a
man to be idle ; I am determined to enter the
lawyer's corps, and follow the camp."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
53
" You follow the camp, my little limb of the
law?" said Quran; "tut, tut! renounce the
idea ; you never can be a disciplinarian."
"And why not, Mr Curran?"
" For this reason: the moment you were
ordered to march, you would halt/"
"T^URING a case in which Curran was con-
cerned, and while he was addressing the
jury, an ass brayed, where-
upon the judge interposed —
"One at a time, Mr
Curran, if you please."
Later on, when the judge
was summing up, the don-
key was again heard braying
outside, whereupon Curran
seized the opportunity of a
retort, and inquired of the
judge —
" Does not your lordship hear a remarkable
echo in the court t ' '
—^A/Vw—
TN cross-examining Lundy Foot, a notable
Irish tobacconist, Curran put a question at
which the witness hesitated a good deal.
" Lundy," said the counsel, "that's a poser
— a deuce of a. pinch, Lundy ! "
54 Bon-Mots
A CERTAIN actor, known for his meanness,
billeted himself during a professional visit
to Dublin upon all his acquaintances in the
town.
Later on in the year he encountered Curran
in London, and, referring to his great expenses,
asked the wit what he supposed he had spent
during his visit to the Irish capital.
" I'm sure I don't know," said Curran, "but
probably a fortnight."
— WWv —
r< ROSS-EXAMINING the plaintiffs chief
witness in an action for assault, Curran
made him admit that the plaintiff had put his
arm round Miss D.'s waist, which had pro-
voked the defendant to strike him.
"Then, sir," said Curran, "I presume he
took that waist for common .' "
— ^A/W^
r^URRAN, rising in court to reply to the
rambling statement of opposing counsel,
once said : " My learned friend's speech puts
me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
domestic use, commonly called an extinguisher.
It began at a point, and on it went widening
and widening, until at last it fairly put the
question out altogether."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
55
"LJAVING had a violent discussion with a
schoolmaster, Curran worsted him, and
the pedagogue, loth
to admit his defeat,
said', with an evi-
dent show of temper,
that he would lose
no more time, but
must return to his
scholars.
' ' Do, my dear
doctor," said the
witty barrister, ' ' but
don't indorse my sins
upon their backs"
"1X7 HEN Lundy
Foot, the to-
bacconist, set up his
coach, he asked Curran to suggest a motto
for it.
" I have just hit on it," said the wit ; " it is
only two words, and it will explain your pro-
fession, your elevation, and contempt for the
people's ridicule ; and it has the advantage of
being in two languages, Latin and English,
just as the reader chooses. Put up ' Quid
rides' upon your carriage."
56 Bon-Mots
/^URRAN'S hatred of the Union is shown in
his answer to a peer who got his title for
supporting the Government measure.
Meeting the orator near the Parliament
House on College Green, his lordship said to
him —
' ' What do they mean to do with this useless
building? For my part, I hate the very sight
of it."
"I do not wonder at it, my lord," said
Curran ; "I never yet heard of a murderer
who was not afraid of a ghost."
— -A/\/Vv~
A RICH barrister who had no over-plus of
brains once said sententiously that "No
one should be admitted to the Bar who had
not an independent landed property."
"And pray, sir," said the wit, "may I ask
how many acres make a wise-acre f"
— vvVW- -
""TOM MOORE having told Curran of a florid
orator, the wit replied —
" My dear Tom, it will never do for a man
to turn painter merely upon the strength of
having a pot of colours by him, unless he knows
how to lay them on."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 57
T3 [SING to cross-examine a witness before a
learned judge who could not comprehend
a jest, Curran observed that he began to laugh
before a single question had been asked.
"What are you laughing at, friend?" asked
Curran ; " what are you laughing at? Let me
tell you that a laugh without a joke is like — is
like- "
"Like what, Mr Curran?" interposed the
judge, imagining he was at fault.
"Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent re-
mainder without any particular estate to sup-
port it."
-j-AI\n^-
A CERTAIN barrister having an objection-
able insect on his face in court, Curran
drew his attention to it. The other replied
indignantly —
"Surely, Curran, you joke."
"Joke, sir," said the wit ; "by Jove ! if you
have many such jokes as that in your head, I
would advise you to crack them immediately."
—j'AAN^-
ASK ED for a definition ot " Nothing," Curran
said: "Nothing defines it better than a
footless boot without a leg, or a bodiless shirt
without neck or sleeves.
58 Bon-Mots.
f~\F a learned serjeant who gave a confused
explanation of some point of law, Curran
remarked that "Whenever that grave coun-
sellor endeavoured to unfold a principle of law,
he put him in mind of a fool whom he once saw-
trying to open an oyster with a rolling-pin."
— AtyVW-
CHORTLY after Curran was called to the
Bar, the following passage at arms took
place between the young counsel and Judge
Robinson (the author of a number of stupid
political pamphlets). The judge having
observed something, Curran remarked "that
he had never met the law as laid down by
his lordship in any book in his library."
" That may be, sir," said the judge blandly,
" but I suspect that your library is very small."
"I find it more instructive, my lord," re-
torted the daring young barrister, ' ' to study
good works than to compose bad ones. My
books may be few, but the title-pages give me
tin' writer's name, and my shelf is not disgraced
by any such rank absurdities that their very
authors are ashamed to own them."
"Sir," said the judge, "you are forgetting
the respect which you owe to the dignity of the
judicial character."
"Dignity!" exclaimed Curran; "my lord,
upon that point I shall cite you a case from
60 Bon-Mots
a book of some authority, with which you are,
perhaps, not unacquainted." He then briefly
cited the case of Strap in Roderick Random,
who having stripped off his coat to fight,
entrusted it to a bystander. When the battle
was over, and he was well beaten, he turned
to resume it but the man had carried it off.
"So, my lord," continued the imperturbable
counsel, "when the person entrusted with the
dignity of the judgment seat lays it aside for
a moment to enter into a disgraceful personal
contest, it is in vain when he has been worsted
in the encounter that he seeks to resume it — it
is in vain that he tries to shelter himself behind
an authority which he has abandoned."
" If you say another word, I'll commit you,"
declared the angry judge.
"If your lordship shall do so," retorted
Curran, " we shall both of us have the consola-
tion of reflecting that I am not the worst thing
your lordship has committed."
-MA/w-
T")ECLAIMING against the spies brought up
from prisons after the rebellion of '98,
Curran finally spoke of "Those catacombs of
living death, where the wretch that is buried
a man lies till the heart has time to fester and
dissolve, and is then dug up an informer."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 61
AA/'HEN defending the prisoners during the
same trial he was reminded by Lord
Carleton that he would lose his gown.
"Well, my lord," Curran retorted with
scorn, "his Majesty may take the silk, but
he must leave the stuff behind."
QF a pompous and solemn blockhead who
concealed his insignificance under a most
ludicrous gravity, Curran observed: "If you
had dined and breakfasted with him for a
hundred years you could not be intimate with
him. By heavens ! he would not even be seen
to smile, lest the world should think he was
familiar with himself."
—^\j\tf—
r J PON an action of assault and battery, an
advocate was anxiously and warmly lay-
ing out the case of his client, which he said
he took up upon principle — for, that he had
sustained a gross insult aggravated by circum-
stances of unnecessary cruelty.
"In short," said he, " I have pledged myself
to plead this- cause with all the learning, all
the law, and all the credit I have."
"That's right," said Sergeant Davy, "the
man who pledges himself to nothing may easily
keep his word."
02
Bon-Mots
A TALL and portly Irish barrister remarked
to the diminutive Curran —
"If you go on so I'll put you in my pocket."
' ' Egad ! if you do, you'll have more law
in your pocket than ever you had in your
head," was the neat retort.
CERGEANT DAVY, being concerned in a
cause which he wanted put off for a few
days, asked Lord Mans-
field when he would
bring it on.
"Friday next," said
the judge.
' ' Will you consider,
my lord, Friday next
will be Good Friday."
"I do not care for
that," said the judge
petulantly, " I shall sit
for all that."
" Well, my lord, to
be sure you may do as
you please ; but if you
do, I believe you will
he the first judge to do
business on Good Fri-
day since Pontius Pilate."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 63
\7ISITING France a year or two before his
death, Curran wrote in pencil on the
column which Napoleon erected near Boulogne
to commemorate his anticipated invasion of
England : —
"When ambition achieves its desire,
How Fortune must laugh at the joke ;
He rose in a pillar of fire,
To set in a pillar of smoke. "
— >A/\/V*—
"DETORTIXG upon a speaker who had
given utterance to a piece of empty self-
glorification, Curran said: "The honourable
and learned gentleman boasts that he is the
guardian of his own honour — I wish him joy
of his sinecure."
CHORTLY after the elder Pitt had changed
his political opinions in regard to the pro-
tection of Hanover, he was replying in debate
to Sir Francis Delaval, when he threw out
several sarcasms at the expense of the member
who had appeared on the stage.
Delaval immediately rose, and neatly retorted
by saying that he could lay his hand upon his
heart and say he never acted but one part."
64 Bon-Mots
TT was expected when Sir Richard Steele be-
came a member of the House of Commons
that he would distinguish himself as an orator.
This he failed to do, and thus called forth
De Foe's happy remark: "He had better
have continued the Spectator than started the
Tatter."
^A/VW—
CAMUEL DERRICK, who was an Irish friend
of Goldsmith's, succeeded Beau Nash as
master of the ceremonies at Bath. In his
earlier days he attended with Goldsmith the
meetings of the Robin Hood Debating Society.
On their first visit, Goldsmith, struck by the
imposing aspect of the chairman, said he
thought nature must have destined him for a
lord chancellor.
"No, no," whispered Derrick, who knew
him to be a wealthy city baker, "only for a
master of the rolls."
— "AAJVv—
VyHEN William the Third, as Prince of
Orange, came to England, five of the
seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower de-
clared in his favour, but the other two refused.
Upon learning this Dryden said that "the
seven golden candlesticks were sent to be
assayed in the Tower, and five of them proved
prime's metal."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 65
'"THE celebrated miser Elwes said that " Tf
you keep o?ie servant, your work is done ;
if you keep tu>o, it is half done ; but if you keep
three, you may do it yourself."
— *AJ\f\f* —
T ORD ERSKINE, speaking of animals, and
hesitating to call them brutes, hit upon
that happy phrase — the mute creation.
— A/\/\/\a —
E 1
RSK.INE had been examining an im-
penetrably stupid witness in a case
brought to recover the value
of a consignment of whale-
bone. The defence turned
on the quality delivered, and
the one point to be settled
was, was it long whalebone
or was it thick whalebone?
Erskine could make nothing
of the witness and at length
said :
"Why, man, you don't
seem to know the difference
between what is thick and
what is long. Now I'll tell you the difference.
You are a thick-headed fellow, and you are
not a long-headed one."
E
66 Bon -Mots
pUNNING, said a friend to Erskine, is the
lozvest of wit.
"It is," answered he, "and therefore the
foundation of all wit."
VKTHEN Erskine heard that somebody had
died worth two hundred thousand
pounds, he observed: "Well, that's a very
pretty sum to begin the next world with."
— W\A/v—
TV/I EETING a barrister of his acquaintance,
one who dealt in long words and circum-
locutions, Erskine perceived that his ankle was
tied up with a silk handkerchief, and enquired
the reason.
"Why, my dear fellow," said the verbose
friend, "I was taking a romantic ramble in
my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate,
I had to climb over it, by which I came in con-
tact with the first bar, and have grazed the
epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight
extravasation of blood."
"You may thank your lucky stars," said
Erskine, "that your brother's gate was not as
lofty as your style, or you must have broken
your neck."
-M/VW—
T^RSKINE described the devil to a friend
as "a great celestial statesman out of
place ! "
Of the Eighteenth Century. 67
THK witty lawyer displayed great readiness
in a case of breach of warranty. A horse
had been taken on trial and had become dead
lame, and in his evidence the witness said the
animal had a cataract in his eye.
"A singular proof of lameness," remarked
the opposition counsel sarcastically.
"It is cause and effect," said Erskine, " for
what is a cataract but a fall?"
— •AAAfs—
"pRSKINE said it was comforting to re-
"** member that when the hour came when
all secrets should be revealed, then, at length,
we should learn — why shoes are always made
too tight !
— A/WV^
\ 7ERY neat was Erskine's punning epigram
on gout.
" The French have taste in all they do,
Which we are quite without ;
For Nature that to them gave goYit,
To us gave only gout."
"DOSWELL, having presented Erskine to
Dr Johnson, was surprised, and we may
imagine a bit mortified, when the former
slipped a shilling into his hand, whispering
that it was for a sight of his bear.
68 Bon-Mots
VK7HEN Erskine was on circuit he was asked
by the landlord of the inn at which he
had put up how he had slept.
"Well," he replied, "union is
strength — a fact of which your in-
mates seem to be unaware ; for, had
the fleas been unanimous last night,
they might have pushed me out of
bed."
"Fleas!" exclaimed Boniface in
well simulated astonishment, "I
was not aware that there was a
single one in the house."
"I don't believe you have," retorted the
judge, "they are all married and have un-
commonly large families."
D'
,R PARR said to Erskine at one of their
social meetings, ' ' Erskine, I mean to
write your epitaph when you die."
"Doctor," replied the ex-Chancellor, "it is
almost a temptation to commit suicide."
-w\/\/Vv—
"EXAMINING a bumptious witness Erskine
asked him if he were not a rider?
" I'm a traveller, sir," replied the offended
man with needless emphasis.
" Indeed, sir. And pray are you addicted
to tins failing usually attributed to travellers."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 69
f)N Erskine receiving his appointment to
succeed Dundas as Justiciary in Scotland,
he observed that he must go and order his silk
robe.
" Never mind," said Dundas, " for the short
time you will require it you had better borrow
mine."
" No," retorted Krskine, "no matter for how
short a time soever I may need it, Heaven for-
bid that I begin my career by adopting the
abandoned habits of my predecessor. "
-wvwv—
" ARE we never again to enjoy the honour
and pleasure of your Grace's society at
Edinburgh?" asked Henry Erskine of the
Duchess of Gordon.
" Oh ! " answered she, " Edinburgh is a vile
dull place — I hate it."
"Madam," returned the gallant barrister,
' ' the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
morning — I won't rise to-day."
H
— a/\A/\a —
ASTENING out of the House one evening.
Erskine was stopped by a member going
with the question —
' Who's up, Erskine?"
' Windham," was the reply.
' What's he on?"
' His legs."
70 Bon-Mots
A MR BOLT, as defendant in a case, was
represented by Erskine ; the former's
character being impugned, the latter addressed
the jury saying —
"Gentlemen, the plaintiff's
counsel has taken unwarrantable
liberties with my client's good
name, representing him as being
litigious and unjust. So far,
however, from this being his
character he goes by the name
of Bolt upright."
"pAWCETT, meeting a fellow-
actor, inquired :
" How are you this morn-
ing?"
" Not at all myself," answered
the other.
"Then I congratulate you," said Fawcett,
"for, be whoever else you will, you will be a
gainer by the bargain."
A CERTAIN author informed Foote that a
passage which lie found fault with might
be justified as a metaphor.
" Is it so," said Foote, " then it is such a one
as truly I never met-a-Jo>r."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 71
"L7RSKINE was opposed once in a case to
Counsellor Lamb, an old man of a ner-
vous temperament who was wont to begin his
pleadings by drawing attention to his own
timidity. Lamb having said that "he felt
himself growing more and more timid as he
grew older."
"No wonder," readily remarked his witty
opponent, "every one knows that the older a
lamb grows the more sheepish it becomes."
— ww^
TUHEN Scott had secured his Clerkship of
Session, Erskine made a very neat re-
mark on the appointment. The post was to
have been bestowed on him by the Tories, but
was really given by the Whigs, and after the
fall of the latter, Erskine meeting Scott, con-
gratulated him on his appointment, which he
liked all the better as it was the " Lay of the
lasi Ministry /"
"PRSKINE is reported to have had the
following regular form of reply to all
letters appealing for subscriptions : —
' ' Sir, I feel much honoured by your applica-
tion to me and beg to subscribe (here the cor-
respondent had to turn over the leaf) myself,
your very obedient servant, etc."
72 Bon-Mots
pRSKINE fired off a double-barrelled pun
when he encountered a friend named
Malem at Ramsgate. The latter observed that
his doctor had ordered
him not to bathe.
"Oh, then, you are
Malum prohibitum , ' '
said Erskine.
" My wife, however,
does bathe," added the
other.
"Oh, then," said Erskine delightedly, "she
is Malum in se."
-^A/VW—
"OOOTE appeared as a fool, at a masquerade
where there were several ladies attired as
Diana, one of whom, pointing to his costume,
said —
"So, Mr Fool, we seem to be all in character
here."
" No, madam," retorted he, "for if we were,
there would be more: fools and no Dianas."
-^A/\J\/v—
A VERY neat charade was propounded by
Fox: "I would not be my first for all
of my second that is contained in my third."
The answer is Scotland.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 73
COON after Wilkes was chosen as Sheriff,
Foote met him wearing his chain of office,
and said that he could have saved him that
expense.
" How so ? " asked Wilkes.
" Why, Garrick would have lent you the chain
of his meat-jack, for he never uses it /"
— aa/\jv- —
r\V Lord Thurlow Fox said : "I suppose no
one ever was so wise as Thurlow looks —
that is impossible."
— A/W/—
QHARLES JAMES FOX was asked by a
friend to explain the meaning of that
passage in the Psalms: " He clothed himself
with cursing, like as with a garment."
"The meaning, I think, is clear enough,"
said he ; " the man had a habit of swearing."
C\Y his uncle, Fox, Lord Holland has re-
corded : When helping him into bed a
night or two before he died I said, " O passi
graviora : dabit Deus his quoque finem " — he
replied: "Aye, young one, but fi : ncm is an
awkward word in more senses than one."
74
Bon-Mots
(^)N one of the many occasions on which
Charles James Fox was importuned by
his creditors, he told the unwelcome visitors
that he would discharge his
debt as soon as possible.
" But, Mr Fox, name the
day."
"The Day of Judgment,"
readily suggested the politician.
"Oh, Mr Fox, that will be
too busy a day for us."
"All right, Moses," said the
accommodating debtor, "we
will make it the day after!"
— A/\/\/V\. —
T^OX having applied to a Westminster shop-
keeper for his vote and interest, the man
produced a halter with which he said he was
ready to oblige him. The candidate courte-
ously thanked him for his kindness, but said
he would by no means deprive him of it, as
he presumed it was a family heirloom.
— a/\/vv^ —
T ORD NORTH was exulting over Charles
Fox on the news in an extra-Gazette, of
New York being conquered, when the witty
politician retorted :
" It is a mistake, my lord, New York is not
conquered ; it is only like the Ministry— aba?i-
doned."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 75
"DURKE and Fox, supping one evening at
the Thatched House, were served with
dishes more elegant than usual, when the latter,
whose appetite was keen and demanded some-
thing more substantial than the elaborate
kickshaws before him, exclaimed :
" Egad, Burke, these dishes are admirably
calculated for your palate, they are both
sublime and beautiful /"
— a/Ww-
r^ARRICK was visiting Lord Lyttelton at
Hagley when news was received that a
company of players were going to perform at
Birmingham.
"They will hear you are in the neighbour-
hood," said the nobleman to his guest, "and
will ask you to write an address to the Bir-
mingham audience."
"Suppose then," said Garrick, "I begin
thus :—
1 Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel.' "
"Oh! if you begin thus," said Lyttelton,
"they will hiss the players off the stage, and
pull the house down."
" My lord," said the actor, " what is the use
of an address if it does not come home to the
business and bosoms of the audience."
76 Bon-Mots
QOME time before Lord Holland's trip to the
Continent, when the public defaulter was
the general subject of conversation, as he and
his second son were driving to Holland House,
he asked, ' ' What the world thought of him ? "
Fox excused himself for some time, observing
he might be angry with him if he told the truth,
which his father pro-
mised he should not, let
it be what it might.
"Why then, sir,"
said Fox, "they say
that there is not a
greater rogue un-
hanged."
"And pray, sir," said
Lord Holland, "where
is your spirit not to
resent such an in-
jury?"
" My lord," replied
the son, " I should by
no means want spirit
to resent any injury
offered to my father, as I look upon it the
same as to myself; nor should any single
person dare to mention it with impunity. But
surely, my lord, you would not have me light
everybody."
— vWV. —
Of the Eighteenth Century. 77
ANE night at Brookes's, Fox happened to
make some remark on government gun-
powder ; Adams considered it a reflection and
at once challenged him. The two duly met,
and the burly Fox took his station, giving a full
front. One of the seconds said, "You must
stand sideways."
"Why, I am as thick one way as the other,"
objected the politician.
The word was given to " fire," which Adams
did, although Fox refrained, and when told he
must do so, merely retorted : " I'll be damned
if I do. I have no quarrel."
The principals then advanced to shake hands,
when Fox quietly observed : ' ' Adams, you'd
have killed me if it had not been government
powder.* He was wounded, but not severely.
-w\A/v—
/^ARRICK and Quin had been performing
together one night, and as they were
about to leave the theatre, each ordered a
chair as it was a stormy evening. Garrick's
chair arrived first and the elder actor was
indignant.
" Let me get into the chair," said he, "and
put little Davy in the lantern."
" By all means," promptly retorted Garrick,
"I shall ever be happy to enlighten Mr Quin
in anything."
78 Bon-Mots.
THE famous actor and a friend were walking
once in Norfolk when they noticed the
following inscription on a house — "A goes
koored hear."
" How is it possible," said the friend, " that
such people as these can cure agues ? "
"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what
their prescription is — but it is ?iot by a spell."
TAURENCE STERNE, the sentimentalist,
who was credited with treating his wife in
an ill fashion, was talking to Garrick one day
in a fine manner in praise of conjugal love and
fidelity.
"The husband," said he, "who behaves
unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his
house burnt over his head."
" If you think so," said Garrick, " I hope
your house is insured."
-^Af\f\r*—
CTERNE, talking with Garrick, said that
those authors whose works abound with
indelicate allusions ought, as a warning to
others, to be hung up before their own
houses.
"It is well for you, doctor," said Garrick,
"if such is to be the law, that you live in
lodgings."
8o Bon-Mots
'"THERE was a fine full-length portrait of
Garrick as Richard the Third in one of
the exhibitions at the Royal Academy. One
morning as the actor was going downstairs from
the exhibition room, he met a nobleman of his
acquaintance who enquired how he did.
"Why faith, my lord," said Garrick, " I'm
but so-so this morning ; but if your lordship
will walk upstairs you will see me as well as
ever I was in my life."
DURKE insisted in conversation that all
bitter things were hot.
"Is that so, Mr Burke," enquired Garrick,
" then how about bitter cold weather ?"
A
-^A/\A/v—
DOCTOR who attended Garrick for some
time had accustomed himself to expect
large fees, and even from the penurious
manager he obtained two guineas a visit.
Garrick at length decided to pay but one
guinea, and having done so, on the termina-
tion of a visit, the physician looked about him
as though in search of something. Garrick
enquired if he had lost anything.
" Sir," replied the doctor, " I believe I have
dropped a guinea."
"No, doctor," said Garrick "it is I that
have <■ dancing, and his Monkey playing."
" V^HO is this Scots cur at Johnson's heels?"
asked someone, amazed at the great
man's sudden intimacy with Boswell.
' ' He is not a cur, " said Goldsmith ; ' ' you are
too severe. He is only a bur. Tom Davies
flung him at Johnson in sport, and he has the
faculty for sticking."
—^AAAfs—
r* RATTAN having spoken about some matter
to a friend, was met with —
"What you have just mentioned is a pro-
found secret : where could you have heard it?"
'• Where secrets are kept— in the street."
86 Bon-Mots
A LADY asked Grattan what was the subject
of a letter which he was reading, when he
replied that it was a secret.
"Well, but tell it inc."
"No, I would trust my life in your hands,
but not a secret."
— ^AA/Na —
TN a duel between Scott, Lord Clonmell, and
Grattan it was agreed to use pistols, and
on their failing, to resort to swords. Before pro-
ceeding to fire, Scott said to his legal opponent :
" I trust I shall not hear of this in any other
way," (meaning by action).
" Never fear," replied Grattan, " omnis actis
pcrso7ialis moritur cum persona."
—J-AJSJV^-
"QR JOHNSON took Gwyn, an architect,
to task for pulling down a church which
might have stood for many years and building
a new one in a more convenient place, for no
other reason but that there might be a direct
road to a new bridge.
" You are taking," said Johnson, " a church
out of the way, that the people may go in a
straight line to the bridge."
" No, sir," said the architect, " I am putting
the church in the way, that the people may not
go out of the way"
Of the Eighteenth Century.
87
TJ ANDEL was at one time proprietor of the
Opera House in London and at the same
time played the harpsichord in the orchestra.
A pompous singer,
enraged at the
marked attention
given to the player
often to the neglect of
the vocalists, swore
that one night he
would jump down
upon the instrument
and stop the inter-
ruption, as he was
pleased to consider
it.
"Oh, oh!" said
the composer, "you
vill jump, vill you?
very veil, sare ; be
so kind and tell me
de night ven you
vill jump, and I vill
ad varetise in de bills ;
and I shall get de great deal more money by
your jumping, than I shall get by your singing."
— *A/\A/\^-
/"• RATTAN said of a man who, having been
a great Liberal, became a Tory on
"taking silk," that all men knew silk to be a
88 Bon-Mots
non-conductor and since the honourable mem-
ber had been enveloped in silk, no spark of
patriotism had reached his heart.
— A/\/\/\A —
" DURKE," observed Grattan, "became at
last such an enthusiastic admirer of
kingly power, that he could not have slept
comfortably on his pillow, if he had not
thought that the king had a right to carry
it off from under his head."
— fJ\J\JV^~
CIR BUSICK HARWOOD, Professor ot
Anatomy at Cambridge University, was
called in in a difficult case, and having been
told the name of the previous doctor who had
attended the patient, he exclaimed: "He! if
he were to descend into the patient's stomach
with a candle and lantern, when he ascended
he would not be able to name the complaint ! "
A PARTICULARLY eccentric nobleman
coming out of the House of Peers, and
not seeing his servant among the crowd at the
door, exclaimed in a loud tone, "Where can
my fellow be"
"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony
Henley, who happened to be near.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 89
CIR ISAAC HEAD was in company with
George the Third when it was announced
that his Majesty's horse was ready for him.
"Are you a judge of horses, Sir Isaac?"
enquired the King.
" In my younger days, please your Majesty,
I was a great deal among them," was the
reply.
"What do you think of this, then?" said
the King, preparing to mount his favourite ;
" we call him Perfection."
"A most appropriate name," rejoined the
courtier, " for he bears the best of characters."
—*A/\jV. —
TTENLEY was once haranguing on a man
who had recently been hanged at Tyburn,
when two or three would-be wags took it into
their heads to groan loudly at all he said. At
length the orator stopped short in his discourse
and said —
" Gentlemen, you have a right to groan, for,
I make no doubt, the deceased was one of your
near relations."
T\R HENNIKER was conversing with the
Earl of Chatham when the statesman
asked him for a definition of wit.
"My lord," replied the doctor, "wit is
00
Bon-Mots
like what a pension would be, given by your
lordship to your humble servant — a good thing
well applied."
—A/\y\/v^—
A LEARNED commentator, having been
caught in a shower, entered the vestry
dripping. As the
time drew near for
the service to begin
he kept saying : "Oh,
I wish that I was
dry ! Do you think
I'm dry? Do you
think I'm dry eneuch
noo?"
" Bide a wee," said
his colleague, Dr
Henry the historian,
' ' bide a wee, and
ye'se be dry eneuch
when you get into the//////."
— A/\/\/\A —
VyHEN Patrick Henry introduced his
momentous resolution on the Stamp
Act into the Virginian House of Burgesses,
in May 1765, he exclaimed —
"Caesar had his Brutus; Charles the First
his Cromwell ; and George the Third "
Of the Eighteenth Century. 91
"Treason!" exclaimed the Speaker, and
"treason, treason!" echoed from every part
of the building.
The orator never faltered for a moment but
instantly with flashing eye continued: "may
profit by their example. If this be treason,
make the most of it."
"T)R BROWN, chaplain to the Bishop of
Hereford, dining one day with his lord-
ship, in company with the young lady to whom
he paid his addresses., was asked for his toast.
Perceiving that he hesitated, the Bishop cried
out: "Oh, I beg your pardon, doctor, your
toast is not yet Brown. 1 '
THOMAS HOLCROFT, the actor-author
who had begun life as a bootmaker's
apprentice, was once "baiting" the irascible
wife of an actor who had once been a barber.
She called him an impertinent puppy and
added, "and if George Downing were a man,
he would soon teach you good manners."
"He is well qualified, my dear Mrs Down-
ing," retorted the impudent young actor, "for
he practised upon many a block-head before he
came to mine."
92 Bon-Mots
A^THEN Sherlock and Hoadly (each of whom
subsequently became Bishop) were fresh-
men at Cambridge the classical subject in which
they were first lectured was Cicero's Offices, and
one morning Hoadly was complimented for
the excellence of his construing. Sherlock,
who was a little vexed at his rival's success,
said, as they left the lecture-room —
"Ben, you made good use of L' Estrange* s
translation to-day."
"Why, no, Tom," retorted the other, "I
did not, for I had not got one ; and I forgot
to borrow yours, which I am told is the only
one in the College."
— ^AA/w—
COUNSELLOR HOWARD, a celebrated
lawyer at the Irish bar, being counsel
against a young officer who was indicted for
assault, began: "My lord, I am counsel in
this cause for the crown, and I am first to
acquaint your lordship that this soldier here
" Stop, sir," said the defendant (who thought
the word soldier had been used as a word of
reproach) " I would have you know, sir, I am
an officer."
"Oh, sir, I beg your pardon," said the
counsellor drily. "Why then, my lord, to
speak more correctly, this officer here who is
no soldier."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 93
T ORD HOWE, when a captain, was hastily
roused in the middle of the night by a
lieutenant who informed him with much per-
turbation that the ship was on fire close to the
powder magazine.
" If that be so," said he, rising leisurely to
put on his clothes, " we shall soon know it."
The lieutenant went back to the scene of
danger, and at once returned, exclaiming :
"You need not be afraid, sir; the fire is ex-
tinguished."
"Afraid ! " thundered Howe, " what do you
mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my
life " ; and looking the officer full in the face,
he added, " Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid ? / need not ask how he looks"
A LADY foolishly said to David Hume : " I
am often asked what age I am : what
answer should I make?"
" Madam," replied the historian, refusing to
give the compliment fished for, " when you are
asked that question again, answer that you are
not yet come to years of discretion."
"LJ UME'S liberal opinions made him cordially
disliked by the Scots clergy. Observing
that whenever he entered a room a certain one
94 Bon-Mots
of these zealots always left it, the historian
confronted him one day and addressed him
thus:
" Friend, I am surprised to find you display
such a pointed aversion to me ; I
would wish to be upon good terms
with you here, — as upon your own
system, it seems very probable that
we shall be doomed to the same
place hereafter. You hope I shall
be damned for want of faith, and
I fear you will have the same fate for want
of charity."
— -a/\/W—
TUDGE JEFFERIES having been tokfthat
J William of Orange would shortly land,
and that the prince's manifesto was already
written, someone present enquired: "Pray,
my Lord Chief Justice, what do you think will
be the heads of this manifesto?"
" Mine will be one," grimly replied he.
— A/\/\/Vv—
"\X7HEN Stella was extremely ill her doctor
said, " Madam, you are near the bottom
of the hill, but we will endeavour to get up
again."
" Doctor," she replied, " I fear I shall be out
of breath before I get to the top."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 95
(~*EORGE THE THIRD said to a noted
ban vivant, Sir John Irwin :
"They tell me, Sir John, that you love a
glass of wine."
" Those, sire," replied he, with a bow, " who
have so reported me to your Majesty, do me
great injustice ; they should have said — a
bottle/"
— A/\A/W~
A/TISTRESS HESTER JOHNSON, Swift's
"Stella," excelled beyond belief, as the
Dean put it, in witty sayings. On one occa-
sion a gentleman who had been very silly and
pert in her company at last began to grieve,
remembering a child lately dead. A bishop
sitting by tried to comfort him, saying that he
should be easy, ' ' the child was gone to heaven."
" No, my lord," said Stella, " that is it which
most grieves him, because he is sure never to
see his child there."
--A/\/Vv—
T3 OSWELL complained once of the noise of
the company of the day before, saying
that it had made his head ache.
"No, sir," said Johnson, "it was not the
noise that made your head ache ; it was the
sense we put into it."
" Has sense that effect on the head?"
" Yes, sir, on heads not used to it."
96 Bon-Mots
TLJAVING brilliantly executed a sonata on
the pianoforte in the presence of Dr
Johnson, a young lady turned to the man of
letters and asked if he were not fond of music ?
"No, madam," said Johnson, "but of all
noises, I think music is the least disagreeable."
— A/\/\/V»—
TWINING one day with Dr Johnson, Boswcll
ventured to ask him if he did not consider
that a good cook was more essential to the
community than a good poet.
" I don't suppose," came the reply, "that
there is a dog in the town but what thinks so."
—*Al\l\tJ~
ASKED his opinion of the pompous title of
an insignificant volume, Johnson replied
"That it was similar to placing an eight-and-
forty pounder at the door of a pig-sty."
— a/\A/w-
JOHNSON and a musical friend were listen-
ing to a celebrated violinist. The friend,
noticing Johnson's inattention, tried to induce
him to take more notice of what was going on
by explaining how extremely difficult was the
solo being performed.
" Difficult, do you call it, sir?" muttered the
doctor, " I wish it were impossible."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 97
A PRETENTIOUS person endeavoured to
ingratiate himself in Dr Johnson's favour
by laughing immoderately at everything he
said. The doctor bore it for some time, but
at length the impertinent guffaw became in-
tolerable, and he stopped it with —
"Pray, sir, what is the matter? I hope I
have not said anything which you can compre-
hend."
— 'AA/w-
A FTER an interview with Mrs Siddons, Dr
Johnson said to his companion, Dr Glover,
"Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman. - '
"Yes," answered the other, "but don't you
think she is much finer upon the stage, when
she is adorned by art ? "
" Sir," said Johnson, " on the stage art does
not adorn her ; nature adorns her there, and
art glorifies her.
G
98 Bon-Mots
TJENDERSON, a notable actor of his day,
on being introduced to Johnson, asked
the doctor what were his views of a tragedy
Dido, and its author, one Joseph Reed.
"Sir," replied Johnson, "I never did the
man an injury, yet he would read his tragedy to
me/"
A/1 RS SIDDONS having visited Johnson in
Bolt Court, there was some delay in pro-
viding her with a chair, when the gruff old
doctor paid her a neat compliment by saying,
" You see, Madam, wherever you go, there are
no seats to be had."
A
— a/\/v\a —
PERT youth having lamented within Dr
Johnson's hearing that he had lost all his
Greek, "Aye, sir," said the old man, snubbing
pretentiousness, " I believe it happened at the
same time that I lost all my large estate in
Yorkshire."
— A/\J\/V*—
VyiSHING to ingratiate himself with the
surly Doctor an acquaintance said, " Sir;
when we have sat together some time, you'll
find my brother very entertaining."
" Sir," grunted Johnson, " / can wait"
Of the Eighteenth Century. 99
"T)R JOHNSON was present at a gather-
ing when a recently published essay
on the future life of brutes came up for dis-
cussion. A gentleman, dis-
posed to support the author's
contention, addressing Johnson •
with easy familiarity, said —
' ' Really, sir, when we see a
very sensible dog we don't
know what to think of him."
"True, sir," retorted the
doctor ; ' ' and when we see a
very foolish fellow, we don't know what to
think of him."
V\7HEN Johnson courted his future wife he
informed her that he was of but mean
extraction, that he was poor, and that he had
had a relation hanged. To prove her equality
the lady promptly answered that she had no
more money than himself; and that, though
she had not had a relative hanged, she had
fifty who deserved hanging.
-^AA/w-
~P)R JOHNSON having been asked his opinion
of a certain moneyed nonentity, described
him as "a mere sheep, sir, with a golden fleece."
ioo Bon-Mots
A T a coffee house gathering, someone sitting
next to Johnson rose and left the apart-
ment, and another member of the company
enquired who he was.
' ' I cannot exactly tell you, sir," said Johnson,
' ' and I should be loth to speak ill of any person
whom I do not know deserves it, but I am
afraid he is an attorney."
-^Al\f\fs—
"DOS WELL, on his first introduction to
Johnson, apologised as follows for his
being a Scotsman : —
" I find that I am come to London at a bad
time, when great popular prejudice has gone
forth against us North Britons ; but when I
am talking to you, I am talking to a large
and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot
help coming from Scot /and."
"Sir," said Johnson, "neither can the rest
of your countrymen."
— a/\A/v—
AT the Theatre one night Johnson and his
party, who occupied a box, were much
troubled by the impertinence of a young man
of fashion, who insisted upon having a place
with them.
" Pshaw, sir, how can you be so mistaken,"
thundered the doctor, " your place is in the
shilling gallery.
Of the Eighteenth Century. ior
VyHEN Johnson was completing his tragedy
of Irene he read a part of it to Walmesley, .
registrar of the Spiritual Court ; that friend
objected that the author had brought his .
heroine into too great distress, and asked him :
" How can you possibly contrive to plunge her
into deeper calamity ? "
" Sir," said Johnson slyly, " I can put her into
the Spiritual Court ! "
-*N\l\t.r—
"DOTH Johnson and Foote always readily*
availed themselves of opportunities oft
making fun of Scotsmen. In a discussion as to
whether the Scots immigration to the metropolis
was on the increase the player insisted that it
was not.
The dispute continued with friendly warmth
for some time, when Johnson called out : " You
are, certainly, in the wrong, Sarn ; but I see
how you are deceived ; you cannot distinguish
them now as formerly — for the fellows all come
breeched to the capital of late years."
— 'AA/v--
A DYSPEPTIC friend, having plagued
Johnson with an account of his health,
was justly snubbed with : " Do not be like the
spider, man, and spin conversation thus in-
cessantly out of thine own bowels."
Bon -Mots
r^ARRICK, addressing Johnson behind the
scenes one evening, said : " My dear sir,
don't disturb my feelings, consider the exer-
tions I have to go
through."
"As for your feelings,
David," replied Johnson,
" Punch has just as
many ; and as for your
exertions, those of a man
who cries turnips about
the streets are greater."
— ■v/VV\/v —
/^\F a Scotswoman, Johnson said that she
resembled a dead-nettle — " were she
alive she would sting."
VTANITY was one of Goldsmith's greatest
weaknesses, and on the success of
Beattie's Essay on Truth he said petulantly
to Johnson :
' ' Here's such a stir about a fellow that lias
written one book, and I have written many."
"Ah! Doctor," said Johnson slyly, "there
go two and forty sixpences, you know, to maki^
one guinea.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 103
" "VT'OU know Mr Capel, Dr Johnson?"
"Yes, sir, I have seen him at Gar-
rick's."
" And what think you of his abilities? "
" They are just sufficient, sir, to enable him
to select the white hairs from the black ones for
the use of the peruke-makers. Were he and I
to count the grains in a bushel of wheat for a
wager, he would certainly prove the winner."
JOXAS HANWAY, having written an
account of his travels in Persia, followed
it up with a book about Portsmouth ; and,
according to Johnson, he acquired some repu-
tation by travelling abroad but lost it all by
travelling at home.
— 'AAA^-
A SCOTSMAN in company with Johnson
and Boswell at the Mitre was defending
his native land, insisting that Scotland had a
great many noble wild prospects.
"I believe, sir," said Johnson, in reply,
"you have a great many. Norway, too, has
noble wild prospects ; and Lapland is remark-
able for prodigious noble wild prospects. But,
sir, let me tell you, the noblest prospect which
a Scotsman ever sees is the high road which
leads him to England."
104 Bon- Mots
A FINE reproof for those who grumble at
circumstances which compel them to do
this, that, or the other, is contained in Dr
Johnson's remark to a friend :
"Sir, the man who has vigour may walk
to the East, just as well as to the West, if he
happen to turn his head that way."
" "P)0 you really believe, Dr Johnson," in-
quired a lady friend, "in the dead
walking after death."
" Madam," said Johnson, " I have no doubt
on the subject, I have heard the ' Dead March '
in Sa?//."
("* ARRICK, referring to Johnson's well-
known dislike of all Whigs, asked him
one day — " Why did not you make me a Tory,
when we lived so much together ? You love to
make people Tories."
" Why," retorted Johnson, pulling a number
of half-pennies from his pocket, "did not the
King make these guineas ? "
— s~Af\/V- —
COMEONEwas praising Corneille in opposi-
tion to Shakespeare, when Johnson broke
in with: "Corneille is to Shakespeare as a
clipped hedge is to a forest."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 105
JOHNSON, when help would have been of
great service to him, was treated but
cavalierly by the Earl of Chesterfield, and
retorted in the most outspoken fashion in a
letter which has become
famous. Some time
after this, a noble friend
remonstrated with the
author over his desertion
of one who had given
such public encourage-
ment to his Dictionary.
"Serviceable to me,
my lord ! " said Johnson,
"in no respect whatso-
ever. I had been for
years sailing round the
World of Literature,
and just as I was getting
into the chops of the
Channel, his Lordship sends out two little
cockboats, more to partake of my triumph than
to pilot me into harbour. No, no, my Lord
Chesterfield may be a wit amongst lords, but 1
fancy he is no more than a lord amongst wits."
— a/W\a —
A SCOTSMAN hoped that on returning from
his tour in the North Johnson would have
a better opinion of Scotland, and enquired
what he thought of it.
106 Bon -Mots
"That it is a very vile country, to be sure,"
answered the doctor.
"Well, sir, God made it ! "
' ' Certainly He did ; but we must always
remember that He made it for Scotsmen and
— comparisons are odious, but God made
Hell ! "
— 'A/W--
COMEONE having mentioned some Scots
who had taken possession of a barren part
of America, wondered why they should have
chosen it.
"Why, sir," said Johnson, " all barrenness is
comparative. The Scots would not know it
to be barren."
ADR ADAMS, discussing Lord Chesterfield
with Dr Johnson, insisted that the former
was always affable and easy of access.
"Sir," said Johnson, "that is not Lord
Chesterfield ; he is the proudest man this day
existing."
"No," retorted Adams, "there is one per-
son, at least, as proud; I think, by your own
account, you are the prouder man of the
two."
"But mine," replied Johnson instantly, "was
defensive pride."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 107
JOHNSON and Boswell were at Bristol ; says
the latter : We were by no means pleased
with our inn.
" Let us see, now," said I, " how we should
describe it."
" Describe it, sir? Why, it was so bad, that
— Boswell wished to be in Scotland ! "
A FTER the celebrated tour in the Hebrides,
Boswell inquired of his companion —
"You have now been in Scotland, sir, and
say if you did not see meat and drink enough
there."
"Why, yes, sir," replied Johnson; "meat
and drink enough to give the inhabitants suf-
ficient strength to run away from home.'
-w\/w^
:
|N the publication of Lord Bolingbroke's
posthumous works, under the editorship
of Mallet, Johnson waxed wroth: "Sir, he
was a scoundrel and a coward — a coward for
charging a blunderbuss against religion and
morality ; a coward because he had not resolu-
tion to fire it off himself, but left half-a-crown
to a beggarly Scotsman to draw the trigger
after his death ! "
io8 Bon-Mots
"PjESPITE his frequent witticisms at the ex-
pense of Scotland and the Scots, John-
son uniformly praised George Buchanan as a
writer. Once when he had done so, a friend
said —
"Ah, Dr Johnson, what would you have said
of Buchanan had he been an Englishman?"
"Why, sir," said Johnson, after a brief
pause, ' ' I should not have said of Buchanan,
had he been an Englishman, what I will now
say of him as Scotsman — that he was the only
man of genius his country ever produced."
A CURATE named Joseph preached at
Dublin Cathedral, by permission of Dean
Swift, before an oblivious nobleman, Butler,
Duke of Ormond, and took as his text — "Yet
did not the chief Butler remember Joseph, but
forgot him."
— vvyvv—
T ORD CHIEF JUSTICE KENYON once
said to a rich friend, asking his opinion
as to the probable success of a son: "Sir, let
your son forthwith spend his fortune ; marry,
and spend his wife's; and then he may be
expected to apply with energy to his profes-
sion."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 109
"1X7" HEN Erskine was retained in defence of
a man named Tickle, he began his case
by saying —
"Tickle, my client, the defendant, my
lord "
He had got so far when he was interrupted
by -the merriment of the court, which was
considerably increased when Eord Kaimes, who
was the judge, observed: " Tickle him your-
self, Harry ; you are as able to do so as I
am."
no Bon-Mots
V\7"HEN it was remarked upon as curious
that Sheridan, who could write so well
for the stage, had written so little, Michael
Kelly happily said, "Mr Sheridan is afraid of
the author of The School for Scandal."
()
-^A/VV^-
NE of the talented Kemble family made a
first appearance on the operatic stage.
His voice, however, was
such that at a rehear-
sal the conductor ex-
claimed, "Mr Kemble!
Mr Kemble ! you are
murdering the music ! "
"My dear sir," was
Kemble's quiet reply,
" it is far better to kill it
outright than to keep
on beating it as you do."
T/'NEELER, "by heaven and not a master
taught," in his later years painted more
for profit than fame. A friend, noticing a fall-
ing off in his work, said :
"What do you think posterity will say, Sir
Godfrey, when they see these pictures some
years hence?"
"Say!" exclaimed the artist, "why, they'll
say Sir Godfrey Knellcr never painted them."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 1 1 1
CTEPHEN KEMBLE, who was very fat,
was with Mrs Esten crossing the Frith,
when a gale sprang up which alarmed the
passengers.
"Suppose, Mr Keinble," said the beautiful
actress, " that we become food for fishes, which
of us two do you think they will eat first? "
" Those that are gluttons," gracefully replied
the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of
me ; but the epicures will attack you ! "
— vWV^—
CIR GODFREY KNELLER on one occa-
sion neatly retaliated on Pope. There
had been an animated discussion in which the
painter had been laying down the law, when
the poet broke in with —
"If Sir Godfrey had been consulted in the
creation of the world, it would have been more
perfect than it is."
"There are some little thi?igs in it I think
I could have mended," said Kneller, with a
meaning glance at his diminutive adversary.
—> A/VVv-
P^ CONCEITED scribbler asked Nat Lee if
it was not easy to write like a madman, as
he did.
"No," answered Lee, "but it is easy to
write like a fool as you do."
112 Bon-Mots
CIR GODFREY KNELLER was very
intimate with his next neighbour, Dr
Ratcliffe, and as he had a fine garden and the
doctor was fond of flowers, a door was made
from one garden to the other.
The painter found after a time that the
doctor's servants gathered his flowers, so he
sent to Ratcliffe, and informed him that he
would nail up the door.
" Tell him he may do anything but paint it,"
said the enraged medico.
" Well," replied Kneller to this message,
" he may say what he will, for, tell him, I will
take anything from him, except physic."
T\R ROGER LONG, a celebrated astronomer
in his day, was walking, one dark even-
ing, with a gentleman in Cambridge when the
latter came to a short post fixed in the pave-
ment, but which, in the earnestness of con-
versation, taking to be a boy standing in the
path, he said testily —
" Get out of the way, boy."
"That boy," said Dr Long readily, "is a
post-boy, who never turns out of the way for
anybody."
— -»/\/\/\/V —
Of the Eighteenth Century. 113
AT the time when the question of the Union
was being hotly debated, many barristers
wrote pamphlets on the subject. One of these,
Bethel by name, met Lysaght in the hall of
the Four Courts, when the
latter hailed him with —
"Zounds ! Bethel, I won-
der you never told me you
had published a pamphlet
on the Union. The one
I saw contained some of
the best things I have yet
seen in any pamphlet on
the subject."
"I'm very proud you
think so," said the other
with a self-satisfied air,
"and, pray, what are the things that pleased
you so much ? "
" Why," replied Lysaght, " as I passed by a
pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
come out with three hot mi?ice-pics wrapped
up in one of your works."
-^A/V\fs—
r^EORGE THE THIRD, when holding a
grand naval review at Portsmouth, ob-
served a boy who mounted the shrouds with
the most surprising ease and rapidity. Turn-
ing to Lord Lothian, the King said —
11
1 14 Bon- Mots
" Lothian, I have heard much of your agility ;
let me see you run up after that boy."
" Sire," replied the shrewd nobleman, "it is
my duty to follow your Majesty '."
— aV\/w-
TV/TACK LIN was at the theatre with a friend,
at the back of the front boxes, when a
lounger stood up in front of them and obscured
the stage. Macklin patted the interloper gently
on the back and requested "that when he saw
or heard anything that was entertaining on the
stage, to let him and the gentleman with him
know of it, as at present they must totally de-
pend on his kindness.'"
The lounger promptly removed himself.
—^J\f\JV—
MANAGER COLMAN, having written a
play with a yawning scene in it, was
having a rehearsal in a doleful manner when
he met Macklin, who asked what the matter
was.
"The matter," growled Col man ; "I can't
get these fellows ioyaw/i."
" Oh, if that's all," suggested Macklin, "you
have only to read the first act of The A Ian of
Business." (A dull play by Colman.)
Of the Eighteenth Century. 115
A NOTORIOUS egotist complained to Mack-
lin that though he was always interfering
to the good of others yet he frequently met with
unsuitable returns. Why was it so ?
"The cause is plain enough," said Macklin,
' ' impudence — nothing but stark staring im-
pudence ! "
— 'A/W'-
\X7"HEN ex-stable boy Holcroft, afterwards
author of The Road to Ruin, was anxious
to get a footing as an actor, he got an introduc-
tion to Macklin. That eccentric told him to sit
down, eyed him narrowly, and then suddenly
enquired "What had put it into his head to
turn actor?"
Holcroft was a bit taken aback by the abrupt-
ness of the question, and replied with ill-timed
levity that "he had taken it info his head to
suppose it was genius, but that it was very
possible he might be mistaken."
"Yes," said Macklin savagely, "that's pos-
sible enough ; and, by God, sir, you are not
the first that I have known so mistaken."
— ^A/VW-
"DEING asked his opinion of the members
of the ministry which had just resigned,
Macklin growled out: "I am no astronomer,
n6 Bon- Mots
sir, but they seem to me to be wandering
planets, though it would be much better for
the people of this distracted country, if they
were fixed stars at Tyburn or Temple- Bar."
CIR FLETCHER NORTON was well
known for his lack of suaviter in modo.
Once when pleading before Lord Mansfield on
some question of manorial right, he had the
misfortune to say :
"My lord, I can illustrate the point in an
instant in my own person ; I myself have two
little manors "
"We all knmo it, Sir Fletcher," the judge
immediately interposed with a smile.
~*A/\/V* —
A JEW was suing a Christian for debt before
Lord Mansfield. The defendant pleaded
that the debt was really owing, but the Jew had
no right by the laws of England, to bring an
action.
"Well," said Mansfield, "have you no other
plea?"
" No, my lord ; I insist upon this plea."
"Do you so," said the judge, "then let
me tell you that you are the greater Jew of the
two.'''
Of the Eighteenth Century. 1 1 7
T ORD MANSFIELD, wishing to save a man
who had stolen a watch, directed the jury
to value it at tenpence.
"Tenpence, my lord," cried the prosecutor
indignantly, "why, the
very fashion of it cost
mc five pounds I"
"Oh," said the judge
blandly, "but we must
not hang a man for
fashion's sake."
— WVV^-
CAMUEL FOOTE,
having been seriously
libelled, brought an ac-
tion, in which he was able
to prove by an alibi that
he could not have been
guilty of the crime charged
against him. After the trial was concluded, Lord
Mansfield, addressing the comedian, said :
"This is a very providential alibi; it has
baffled the most infamous conspiracy ever set
on foot.
OIR ROBERT WALPOLE was fond of
playing billiards, at which game, however,
his friend Dr Monsey excelled him.
"How does it happen, Monsey," asked the
u8 Bon- Mots
statesman, ' ' that nobody beats me at billiards,
or contradicts me, but you?"
"The solution is easy," replied his friend,
"I want neither place nor money from you,
perhaps if I did I should be as great a bungler
at billiards as you are."
A COURT lady, having received a pair of
diamond earrings as a bribe for procuring
a post for a certain peer, paid a visit to Sarah,
Duchess of Marlborough, wearing her spoils.
No sooner had she gone than the Duchess
blurted out, "What an impudent creature to
come hither with the bribe in her ear ! "
"Madam," remarked Lady Mary Wortley
Montagu, ' ' how should people know where
wine is sold, unless a bush is hung out?"
— aWv\. —
T30PE, having written some bitter verses upon
Lady Mary, told a friend that he had set
her down in black and white and would soon
publish what he had written.
This remark soon reached Lady Mary her-
self, and she promptly replied : " Be so good as
to tell the little gentleman that I am not at all
afraid of him ; for if he sets me down in black
and white, as he calls it, most assuredly I will
set him down in black and blue."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 1 19
OIR HENRY MARSHALL was rising off
his knee, after being knighted by George
II., when lie stumbled, but immediately apolo-
gised to the King, saying :
"Your Majesty has loaded me with such
honour that I cannot well stand under it."
Y\7ALPOLE once proposed that as politics
spoil conversation, everyone in a certain
gathering should forfeit half-a-crown who said
anything tending to introduce the idea either
of Ministers or Opposition.
Hannah More suggested that whoever men-
tioned pit-coal or a /tu--skin muff should be
considered guilty.
—*aAJVs—
A SUBSCRIPTION was set afoot in Bath
to strike a medal in celebration of a
recent notable cure effected by the waters.
An artist was engaged and a medal prepared.
It was, however, not approved by the Committee,
and one of the members in high dudgeon took
it to Nash, as Master of the Ceremonies, and
calling it a mere "pick-pocket piece of work,"
asked what he thought of it.
" Don't be angry, sir," said the Beau sooth-
ingly, "the man may in all probability be a
very honest man — it is absolutely clear that he
is no designer"
120 Bon- Mots
DEAU NASH was once proposing a charity
subscription at Bath when a notoriously
mean man of means was present. After he
had delivered a sentence appealing for funds,
Nash turned and shouted it in the ears of the
niggardly one, who immediately protested, ask-
ing what he did that for.
"Because," retorted the Beau, "on these
occasions you are generally deaf."
— a/\/\/v^-
THE witty Beau was one evening engaged
in collecting subscriptions for the Bath
Hospital. A Duchess who was more notable
for her wit than her charity, entered the room,
and not being able to pass him unobserved,
she gave him a tap with her fan, and said :
" You must put down a trifle for me, Nash,
for I have no money in my pocket."
"Yes. Madam," said he, "that I will, with
pleasure, if your Grace will tell me
when to stop."
Taking a handful of guineas out
of his pocket, he began counting
them into his white hat, "one, two,
three, four, five, "
" Hold ! hold ! " exclaimed the
Duchess, " consider what you are about."
"Consider your rank and fortune, madam,"
answered Nash, and continued "six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, "
Of the Eighteenth Century. 121
Here the Duchess again broke in angrily,
but "Pray compose yourself, Madam," cried
the Beau coolly, " and don't interrupt the work
of charity ; eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, "
The Duchess began to storm and caught
hold of his hand. " Peace, Madam," said the
relentless autocrat of the Pump Room, "you
shall have your name written in letters of gold,
Madam ; sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,
twenty, "
" I won't pay a farthing more," broke in the
unwillingly charitable Duchess.
"Charity hides a multitude of sins," quietly
observed her tormentor ; " twenty-one, twenty
two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five,
"Nash," said she, "I protest you frighten
me out of my wits. Lord ! I shall die ! "
"Madam, you will never die with doing
good ; and if you do it will be the better for
you," and he proceeded counting and only
after some altercation agreed to hold his hand
when he had made his victim responsible for
thirty guineas.
--'AA/w-
T T was a decidedly equivocal invitation which
Roche sent to a friend : " I hope, my lord,
if ever you come within a mile of my house,
that you'll stay there all night."
122 Bon-Mots
TV/TEETING an acquaintance very much in
liquor early one morning, Beau Nash
inquired where he had been. The friend said
he had been all night at a concert of music.
"Very likely," said Nash, "for I perceive
you have drunk to some tune."
INTRODUCING a lady to the select of Bath,
Beau Nash said, " Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Mrs Hobson. I have often heard of
Hobson's choice, but never had the pleasure to
view it till now, and you must coincide with
me, that it reflects credit on his taste."
— a/W\a —
DEAU NASH, says Samuel Rogers, was once
dancing a minuet at Bath with a Miss
Lunn. She was so long before
giving him both her hands (the
figure by which the lady, when
she thinks proper, brings the
dance to a close) that he lost
all patience, and, suiting the
words to the tune, he sung out
as she passed him, —
Miss Lunn, Miss Lunn,
Will you never have done?"
Of the Eighteenth Century. 123
A GENTLEMAN at Bath who had been
very extravagant and squandered away
most of his fortune, being absent from the
Tump Room, his friends enquired of Beau
Nash about him. The Beau replied briefly
that he kept his bed. Upon this, several went
to visit the absentee, and finding him in the
best of health, told him of the report which
Nash had spread. The gentleman, very wrath,
went to the Beau and asked what he meant
by treating him so.
"Why in such a heat?" said Nash, "I
sincerely hope that I have said nothing but the
truth. I ventured to tell these gentlemen,
indeed, that you kept your bed, and if you have
I rejoice at it : it is the only thing you have
kept, and I knew it would be the last you
would part with."
-wvw/—
f~*OING to visit Beau Nash, a gentleman
found him just leaving the house, gor-
geously attired, and asked where he was
going.
" Going ! " echoed Nash, " why, I'm going to
advertise"
"What?"
"Why, myself; for that's the only use of a
fine coat."
124 Bon-Mots
T ORD NORTH, who was very corpulent
before a severe illness, said to his physi-
cian after it —
' ' Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me
to some old acquaintances."
"Who are they, my lord?" inquired the
doctor.
"My ribs''' replied his lordship, "which I
have not felt for many years until now."
— WV\/v —
T T is said that Lord North often slept during
the speeches of his Parliamentary oppo-
nents, leaving a colleague to make note of any-
thing remarkable. A tedious
speaker during a naval de-
bate began describing the
growth of shipbuilding from
th'e time of Noah's ark
onwards. When he had
reached the time of the
Spanish Armada, North
was awakened inadvertently
by his colleague, and in-
quired at what period the
speaker had got to.
"We are now in the reign of Queen Eliza-
beth," was the answer.
"Dear, dear," said the Premier, "why not
let me sleep a century or two more?"
Of the Eighteenth Century. 125
J^ORD NORTH often simulated sleep during
the attacks of the Opposition ; and on one
occasion the man who was speaking said in-
dignantly, "Even now, in these perils, the
noble lord is asleep ! "
"I wish I -was," promptly remarked the
minister.
THE famous minister, who had a strong anti-
pathy to music, was asked once why he
did not subscribe to a certain series of concerts,
it being urged as a special reason why he
should that his brother, the Bishop of Win-
chester, did so.
"Yes," said Lord North, " if I were as deaf
as my brother, I would subscribe too."
-^a/VVj^-
A N indignant speaker, impeaching Lord
North of all manner of crimes, and
vehemently calling aloud for his head, be-
came still more exasperated when he saw the
unpopular minister apparently slumbering.
North was, however, only "foxing," and at
once retorted that it was cruel that he should
be denied the solace which other criminals so
often enjoyed— that of a flight's rest before their
fate.
[26
Bon-Mots
"POX having said that he would like to devise
a tax which should not fall upon himself,
Lord North promptly suggested, "Tax receipts,
for you never see them."
— WWv—
A MEMBER having suggested that a starling
should be placed near the Speaker's chair
and taught to repeat the cry of "Infamous
coalition ! " Lord North was equal to the occa-
sion, and said that he thought to carry out the
honourable member's proposal would be a need-
less waste of public money, since the starling
might so well perform his office by deputy.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 127
~\JRT another instance is recorded of a prosy
speaker reproving the Premier for going
to sleep and not listening to what was being
said.
"Pooh! pooh!" said Lord North, "the
physician should never quarrel with the effect
of his own medicine."
A WELL-KNOWN office-seeker at the Court
of George III. was one Hutchinson. When
he first appeared, the King asked Lord North
who he v, as.
" He is, your Majesty," replied the minister,
"Secretary of State for Ireland — a man on
whom if your Majesty was pleased to bestow
the United Kingdom, he would ask for the Isle
of Man as a potato garden."
WHEN Lord Eldon, then plain John Scott,
was an undergraduate at Oxford, he fell
through the ice when skating. He scrambled
to a place of safety, when a brandy vendor
shuffled towards him and recommended a glass
of something warm ; upon this a fellow-student,
Edward Norton, called out to the retailer —
"None of your brandy for that wet young
man ; he never drinks but when he is dry."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 129
T ORD NORTH was always ready with witty
and humorous remarks in the House of
Commons, yet his sallies were such as rarely
to give offence. Parrying an attack once, he
said —
' ' One member who spoke of me called me
' that thing of a minister ' ; to be sure I am a
thing ; the member, therefore, when he called
me a thing, said what was true, and I could
not be angry with him ; but when he added,
that thing called a minister, he called me that
thing which of all things he himself wished to
be, and therefore I took it as a compliment."
— /-A/VV* —
/~\NCE a would-be artist said to the great
painter, Opie, "Pray, Mr Opie, may I
ask what you mix your colours with?"
"With brains, sir," was the appropriate
reply.
A SUSPICIOUS character being taken be-
fore the Earl of Nottingham during the
reign of William the Third, was examined for
fear he should be in possession of treasonable
correspondence.
"I am only a poet," said the prisoner,
"and these papers are a play which I have
written."
130 Bon-Mots
The Earl looked through the bundle and
handed them back, saying, ' ' I have heard
your statement and read your play, and as I
can find no trace of a plot in either, you may
go free."
— vVW'-
(~)NE day after dinner Curran, the famous
Irish orator, remarked to his neighbour,
Father O'Leary, " Reverend father, I wish you
were St Peter."
"And why would you wish that I were St
Peter?" asked the priest.
"Because, in that case," said the barrister,
"you would have the keys of heaven, and you
could let me in."
"By my honour and conscience, it would
be better for you that I had the keys of the
other place, for then I could let you out."
■P)URING the latter half of the eighteenth
century the controversy in the matter of
requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as
practised by the Church of England, excited
considerable feeling among the members of the
universities. Paley, having been asked to sign
a clerical petition for presentation to the House
of Commons, excused himself, saying, "lean-
not afford to keep a conscience."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 131
CHARTING under the wit of Voltaire, a
French nobleman waylaid him and cud-
gelled him. The next day the indignant
philosopher applied to the Duke of Orleans,
begging him to do justice in the case.
"Sir," replied the Regent, smiling, "it has
been done already."
TJALEY was, naturally enough, in very high
spirits on receiving his first preferment.
Attending a visitation dinner
just after the event, he called
out humorously during the
entertainment, "Waiter, shut
down that window at the back
of my chair, and open another
behind some curate."
— //W\a —
w
HEN at Cambridge, being
one day with a party of
young men who were discussing somewhat
pompously the siimmum bonum of human life,
Paley listened to their arguments with patience,
and then replied —
" I differ from you all. The true sumntum
bonum of human life consists in reading Tris-
tram Shandy, in blowing with a pair of bellows
into your shoes in hot weather, and in roasting
potatoes in the ashes under the grate in cold."
132 Bon-Mots
VK7HEN Pitt visited Cambridge University
as Prime Minister, Paley preached a
sermon before him from the pertinent text,
' ' There is a lad here who has two loaves and
five small fishes— but what are they among so
many?"
'T'HERE being a great disturbance at Drury
Lane theatre one night, Palmer, one of
the actors, went on the stage to say something
to soothe the audience, but was met by an
orange thrown full at him. He picked it up,
looked it all over, and then, bowing to the
audience, said, "This is no civil orange, I
think."
— *A/\J\/v—
A N impertinent young man worried Dr Parr
with an account of his complaints, saying
that he could not go out without catching cold
in his head.
"No wonder," said Parr, "you always go
out without anything in it.'
—*J\l\l\fir—
TN conversation with Dr Parr, a sceptical man
observed that he would not believe anything
which he could not understand.
" Then, young man," said the scholar, "your
creedmW be the shortest of any man's I know."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 133
T"\R PARR was fond of a game of whist, but
could not tolerate any want of skill in
those with whom he was playing. Being en-
gaged with a party in which he was unequally
matched, he was asked by a bystander how the
game went.
"Pretty well," answered he, " considering
that I have three adversaries."
CIR JAMES MACKINTOSH having taken
Dr Parr for a drive once, the horse be-
came restive, and the scholar became nervous.
" Gently, Jemmy," said the doctor, " don't irri-
tate him ; always soothe your horse, Jemmy.
You'll do better without me. Let me down,
Jemmy."
Once on terra firma, the doctor's views under-
went a remarkable change. "Now, Jemmy,
touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't
spare him ; and now I'll leave you to manage
him — /'// walk back."
— /yWW-
T"\R PARR having called a clergyman a foot,
the latter declared that he would com-
plain to the Bishop.
" Do so, by all means," said Parr, "nnl my
Lord Bishop will confirm you."
134
Bon-Mots
ANE Cumberland, dining with Dr Parr at
a Mr Dilly's. spoke disparagingly of
Priestley. The next day
the doctor met a friend,
and exclaimed wrathfully :
' ' Only think of Mr Cum-
berland ! that he should
have presumed to talk
before vie— before me, sir
— in such terms of my
friend, Dr Priestley ! Pray,
sir, let Mr Dilly know my
opinion of Mr Cumberland
— that his ignorance is
equalled only by his impertinence, and that
both are exceeded by his malice."
-w\A/v—
'T'O an antagonist of whom he had but a poor
opinion, Parr exclaimed: "You have read
a great deal, you have thought very little, and
you know nothing."
TN a company consisting mainly of clerics,
the conversation turned not unnaturally on
the then head of the Church. Dr Parr, after
listening for some time to the strictures of his
companions, broke in with —
"Sir, he is a poor paltry prelate, proud of
petty popularity, and perpetually preaching to
petticoats."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 135
V\Z"HEN James O'Quigley had been executed
for high treason, Sir James Mackintosh
spoke strongly of the offender, but was some-
what nonplussed by a vigorous onslaught from
Dr Parr, who exclaimed, " He was an Irish-
man — and he might have been a Scotchman ;
he was a priest — and he might have been a
lawyer ; he was a rebel — and he might have
been an apostate."
-^A/VV-r—
TD ARSONS, an actor-manager-scene-painter,
was engaged in copying a painting in the
theatre when a young solicitor of his acquaint-
ance called upon him, and promisingly said —
" Upon my soul, but I like it amazingly as
far as you've gone."
"Do you think so, my boy," responded
Parsons; "well, you're a young lawyer, and
therefore may be a judge."
-*A[\[\r-r—
/^\NE evening a number of persons were en-
gaged in some literary disquisition, and a
child — a daughter of Sheridan, nicknamed
"Libs" — was but impatiently enduring their
neglect, when a Mrs Peckhard suddenly ter-
minated the conversation by gaily exclaim-
ing—
136 Bon- Mots.
"Come, don't let us be so austere or Libs
won't note us."
Thus, in one short and familiar sentence,
including the Latin names of the three winds —
Auster, Libs, and Notos.
— A/WV" —
A/TRS PIOZZI, having called upon a lady of
quality, was told by the servant that
"she was indifferent."
"Is she, indeed," retorted the visitor, in a
huff, "then, pray, tell her that I can be as
indifferent as she," and walked off.
— A/\/\/V^ —
"DITT convened a meeting of country gentle-
men, chiefly militia officers, to consider
his Additional Force Bill.
One member objected to a clause for calling
out the Force, which, he insisted, should not
be done "except in case of actual invasion."
"That would be too late," replied Pitt, but
the objector remained firm.
Presently they came to another clause, to
render the Force more disposable ; the same
gentleman objected again, and insisted very
warmly that he would never consent to its
being sent out of England.
" Except, I suppose," retorted Pitt, " in case
of actual invasion."
138 Bon-Mots
T ORD PETERBOROUGH was once about
to be roughly treated by a mob, who mis-
took him for the great Duke of Marlborough,
who happened at the moment to be unpopular.
"Gentlemen," he readily interposed, "I can
convince you by two reasons that I am not the
Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I
have only Jive guineas in my pocket ; and in
the second, they are heartily at your service."
He was allowed to continue his way by
acclamation.
T ORD CHANCELLOR THURLOW was
supposed to be on no friendly terms with
Pitt, and a friend inquiring how the Chancellor
' ' drew with them ? " —
"I don't know," answered the Premier,
"how he draws, but lie has not refused his
oafs yet."
— A/\/VV^ —
"DOPE having asked Swift what people thought
him in Ireland, was answered —
" Why, they think you a very little man, but
a very great poet."
" They think the very reverse of you in Eng-
land," acrimoniously retorted Pope, who, de-
spite his diminutive size, was not devoid of
personal vanity.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 139
"PVEN doctors will at times disagree, and
during Pope's last illness there was quite
an unseemly squabble between his two medical
attendants, Dr Burton and Dr Thomson, each
charging the other with hastening the patient's
end by improper prescriptions.
"Gentlemen," Pope himself broke in with,
" I only learn by your discourse that I am in a
dangerous way ; therefore, all I now ask is, that
the following epigram may be added after my
death to the next edition of the Dunciad, by
way of postscript : —
" Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures fast,
The greatest dunce has killed your foe at last."
-a/\A/w-
140 Bon- Mots
"DITT, speaking in the House of Commons of
the war which preceded the then recent
American War of Independence, called it " the
last war."
Several members immediately called out,
"The last war but one," but he took no notice,
and shortly after repeated the error, when he
was interrupted by a general cry of ' ' The last
war but one ! The last war but one ! "
"I mean, sir," said Pitt, turning to the
Speaker and raising his voice, "I mean, sir,
the last war that Britons would wish to re-
member."
-wV\/V^—
A'
LEXANDER POPE, dining once with
Frederick, Prince of Wales, paid him
many compliments.
"I wonder, Pope," said the Prince, "that
you, who are so severe on kings, should be so
complaisant to me."
"It is because I like the lion best," replied
the poet, cleverly, "before his claws are
grown."
-^Al\/\iv—
AXTHEN he first saw Garrick act, Pope, with
considerable foresight, remarked: "I
am afraid that young man will be spoiled, for
he will have no competitors."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 141
"IXTHEN anyone told Poison that he intended
to publish a book, Porson would say,
"Remember that two parties must agree on
that point, — you and the reader."
T")R JOWETT having been permitted by the
head of his eollege to cultivate a small
strip of ground, the wags of the university
made much fun of his garden, and, fearful of
ridicule, he altered it into a plot of gravel, on
hearing which Porson extemporised as fol-
lows : —
" A little garden little Jovvett made,
And fenced it with a little palisade ;
Because this garden made a little talk
He changed it to a little gravel walk ;
Now, if you'd know the mind of little Jowett
This little garden doth a little show it."
142 Bon- Mots
CHORTLY after Porson returned from a visit
to Germany, he was asked at a party to
give a sketch of his journey, which he immedi-
ately did in the following extempore lines : —
" I went to Frankfort and got drunk
With that most learn'd Professor, Brunck ;
I went to Warts and got more drunken
With that more learn'd Professor, Ruhnken."
— a/\AA~ —
TDORSON was disputing with an acquaint-
ance, who, finding himself getting the
worst of it, lost his temper, observing —
" Professor, my opinion of you is most con-
temptible."
"Sir," retaliated the scholar, " I never knew
an opinion of yours that was not contemptible."
T N one of his writings Dr Parr referred to
Porson as " a giant in literature."
The Professor, who did not like praise,
asked, " How should Dr Parr be able to take
the measure of a giant?"
-wvVVv—
"\ A 7"HEN Porson was informed that the Bishop
of Lincoln had been left a large estate
by a person who had only seen him once,
" Ah ! " said he, " it would not have happened
if the person had seen him twice."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
143
"DISHOP PORTEUS having changed his
opinions, Porson insisted on always
speaking of him as Bishop Proteus.
— a/\A/w-
A GENTLEMAN who had heard that Bent-
ley was born in the North, asked —
fS&a* ttil "Wasn't he a Scotch-
^f?&^F* man?"
"No, sir," replied Porson ;
" Bentley was a great Greek
scholar."
A N author — Boaden —
having read his new-
play of Aurelia and Mir-
anda in the green-room of
Drury Lane theatre, ob-
served that he knew nothing
so terrible as reading a piece
before such a critical audi-
ence of actors and actresses.
' ' I know one thing more
terrible," quietly remarked Mrs Powell, one of
the actresses.
"What can that be?" asked the play-
wright.
"To be obliged to sit and hear it."
144 Bon-Mots
COMEONE speaking of Southey's Madoc
before Porson, the scholar meaningly ob-
served : ' 'Madoc will be read — xvhen Homer and
/ 'irgil are forgotten."
A FRENCHMAN, who was showing Matthew
Prior over the Palace of Versailles, desired
the poet to observe the many trophies of Louis
the Fourteenth's victories, and asked if King
William had such trophies in his palace.
"No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
master's victories are to be seen everywhere
except in his own house."
—sAjyvr-
/"ANE Daniel Purcel, the "famous punster,"
as he is called in the jest-books of a cen-
tury ago, having called for some pipes in a
tavern, complained that they were too short.
The attendant said they had no other, and
those were but just come in. "Ay," said the
joker, " I see your master has not bought them
long."
"PURCEL meeting a friend on the 30th of
January, they went to a tavern, where,
finding the door shut, they knocked. One of
the drawers asked through a little wicket what
they would be pleased to have.
Of the Eighteenth Century
145
your
"Have!" exclaimed Purcel, "open
door and draw us a pint of wine."
The drawer replied that he could not do so,
for it was a fast.
" Damn your master for a precise coxcomb,"
retorted the other. " Is he not contented to fast
himself, but he must make his door fast too."
— AAA/v-
GUICK was once disputing with another
actor, who contended that he knew every
line of Shakespeare's.
" Indeed you do not," contra-
dicted Quick.
"How do you prove it?"
asked the other.
" It will be proved one day,"
replied Quick, "for there is a
gentleman, "namesake to the
bard, in Rope Maker's Walk,
will furnish you with a line you
never met before, depend on't,
my boy."
COMEOXE approaching Quick and a friend,
the player asked who it was, and was told
that it was Lord B.
"Ah!" said he, "I thought it was a lord,
he looks so little like a gentleman"
146 Bon-Mots
r\ANIEL PURCEL was a non-juror, and
when describing to a friend the landing
of King George the First at Greenwich, he said
that he had a full view of him.
" Then," said his friend, " you know him by
sight."
"Yes," answered Purcel, "I think I know
him, but I can't swear to /tint."
-^A/Vvj—
"LJERALDRY was being discussed in a com-
pany where Quick was, when a rich man
whose father had been a footman said preten-
tiously that ' ' he had seen his arms on a
baronet's carriage, and they must be related."
" Probably," said the wit ; "your family, sir,
is pretty extensive — your father's arms must
have been upon many carriages."
— -*J\f\N^-
A YOUNG would-be actor had to display his
talents before Quin. The witty actor
heard one or two speeches vilely delivered,
and then asked if the candidate had done any-
thing in comedy.
"Yes," readily answered he; "Abel in the
Alchymist."
"You mistake, boy," replied the comedian.
"It was the part of Cain you acted, for I am
sure von murdered Abel."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 147
QUIN having told Lady Berkeley that she
looked as blooming as the spring, sud-
denly recollected the backwardness of the
season, and added: "I would to God this
spring would look like your ladyship ! "
— WW/—
YyHEN he first visited Bath, Quin found
himself so extravagantly charged for
everything that he complained to Beau Nash,
who had invited him to that city, ns being the
cheapest place in England for a man of taste
and a bon-vivant.
"They have acted," answered the Beau,
"upon truly Christian principles."
" How so?" enquired Quin.
' ' Why, you were a stranger, and they took
you in"
"Ay," said the wit; "but they have fleeced
instead of clothing me."
(\$ being asked what the members of the
ministry were engaged in, Quin repeated
the following story as applicable : The master
of a vessel calls down the hatchway, ' ' Who is
there?" — A boy answered, "Will, sir!" —
"What are you doing!" — "Nothing, sir." —
"Is Tom there?" — "Yes," says Tom. — "What
are you doing, Tom?" — " Helping Will, sir."
148
Bon-Mots
QUIN said that on the 30th of January (the
anniversary of the execution of Charles
the First) every king in Europe must rise with
a crick in his Neck.
— aWw-
HPHE merry actor was always the life and
soul of a social party, and once, when he
had caused considerable merriment at a gather-
ing at Bath, a nobleman, not distinguished for
his parts, exclaimed to him —
"What a pity it is, Quin, my boy, that a
Of the Eighteenth Century. 149
clever fellow like you should be only a
player/"
"Why," retorted the wit with ready indig-
nation, "what would your lordship have me
be? — only a lord?"
A LADY having asked why it was that there
were more women than men in the world,
Quin replied: "It is in conformity with the
other arrangements of nature, madam ; we
always see more of heaven than earth."
-^Af\JSfs—
QUIN was disputing with a friend concern-
ing the execution of Charles the First,
when the friend demanded —
" By what laws was he put to death?"
"By all the laws that he had left them,"
readily replied the wit.
A T a small dinner-party the host asked Quin
to partake of a particularly delicious pud-
ding, to which his next neighbour had just
freely helped himself.
"Pray," said the witty actor, looking first
at the dish and then at the gentleman's plate,
" which is the pudding?"
150 Bon-Mots
V\7"HEN Quin was dining with a friend, his
host expressed his regret that he could
offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of
his wine cellar. Later, when he was showing
his guest about the place, they paused before
an ostrich.
"Do you know, sir," said the host, "that
this bird has one very remarkable property —
he will swallow iron?"
"Then very likely," said the wit, "he has
swallowed the key of your wine cellar."
T N a July that was extremely wet and cold, a
friend asked Quin whether he ever remem-
bered such a summer?
" Yes," said the wit, in all seriousness, " last
winter."
— vWVv —
"\X7'HEN Garrick was drawing large audiences
to Drury Lane one season, Rich was
playing his pantomimes at Covent Garden to
empty benches. The two happened to meet
at a neighbouring coffee house, when Garrick
asked the manager how much his theatre would
hold when crowded.
"Why, sir," replied Rich, with the neatest
compliment, " I cannot tell, but if you will
come and play Richard for one night I shall
be able to say."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 151
"TUNING one day with the Duchess of Marl-
borough, Quin observed that his hostess
limited her eating of venison to the leanest part.
"What ! " exclaimed Quin, " and does your
Grace eat no fat?"
" Not of venison, Mr Quin."
"What, never, your Grace?"
" Never, I assure you."
"Well," said the epicurean player, unable
to restrain his genuine laughter, " I like to dine
with such fools."
TX one of the debates on the Union, Roche
is reported to have made a speech in favour
of it, which he finished by declaring "that it
would change the barren hills into fertile
valleys"
-^AA/V" —
A WOULD-BE actor applied to Rich, the
theatrical manager, for an opening on his
stage. Rich asked him
to speak a few lines, when
the young man struck an
attitude and began in a
rasping voice —
"To be or not to be,
that is the question "
" Not to be," promptly
judged the manager.
152 Bon-Mots
CMUGGLING practices on the Shannon
were being discussed, when Roche offered
the following brilliant suggestion: "I would
have two frigates stationed on the opposite
points of the mouth of the river, and there they
should remain fixed, with strict orders not to
stir ; and so, by cruising and cruising about,
they would be able to intercept everything that
should attempt to pass between."
— v\yvw—
CIR BOYLE ROCHE has many a "bull"
placed to his credit. It is said that one
of his children once inquired —
"Who was the father of George the Third ? "
" My darling," was the enigmatic reply, "it
was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would
have been George the Third if he had lived."
—^\J\f\fs—
r^URRAN, like Falstaff, was not only witty
himself, but the cause of wit in others.
On one occasion, after a fierce debate, he
placed his hand upon his heart, and declared
that he was the trusty guardian of his own
honour. Sir Boyle Roche immediately con-
gratulated his honourable friend on the snug
little sinecure which he had discovered for him-
self.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 1 53
jN relation to Ireland's connection with Eng-
land, Sir Boyle Roche said : "England, it
must be allowed, is the mother country, and
therefore I advise them to live in filial affection
together, like sisters, as they are and ought to
be!"
THE man upon whom all "bulls" are
fathered is reported on one occasion to
have said: "Single misfortunes never come
alone, and the greatest of
all possible misfortunes is ^£L
generally followed by a Mr
much greater." ^^
CUFFERING from an CIl^^_
attack of gout, Sir
Boyle instructed his bootmaker to make one
shoe of a new pair larger than the other, and
then blamed the man for doing the reverse, and
making one smaller than the other.
" T WISH," said he, one day when opposing
an anti-ministerial motion, "I wish, Mr
Speaker, this motion at the bottom of the
bottomless pit."
154 Bon-Mots
JOHN BAPTISTE SANTEUIL, having
•J listened to a preacher give a most un-
satisfactory discourse, said: "He did better
last year."
"Excuse me," said a bystander, "but you
must be mistaken, he did not preach last
year."
" That is the very reason," rejoined the poet.
— ^A/Vw-
A N impertinent young fellow, dining at the
same board with the learned John Scott,
suddenly enquired of that worthy what was
the difference between Scot and Sot.
"Just the breadth of the table," promptly
answered the other.
CIR WILLIAM SCOTT (afterwards Lord
Stowell) was a man of the readiest wit,
and many of his good things are to be found
in reminiscence literature of the last century
and the earlier part of this, for, born in 1745,
he lived until 1836. A learned judge, who was
familiarly spoken of as "Mrs ," was said
to have suddenly changed his opinions in the
most remarkable manner."
"Varium ct mutabile semper femina," re-
marked Sir William Scott.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 155
A FASHIONABLE physician flippantly re-
marked : "Oh, you know, Sir William,
after forty a man is
either a fool or a phy-
sician !"
" Mayn't he be both,
doctor ? " slyly inquired
his witty companion.
— *\/\/\/W-
"Y^^HEX it was pro-
posed to get up
a subscription for the
benefit of Fox, someone observed that it was a
matter of some delicacy, and wondered how
Fox would take it.
"Take it?" exclaimed Selwyn, "why, quar-
terly, to be sure."
-*N\l\t-r—
A XOTORIOUS gamester, by a run of good
luck, was enabled to set up a carriage and
pair. His good luck had, however, meant the
ill luck of a son of the Rutland family. Selwyn,
who knew the circumstances, met the newly-
enriched, and complimented him on his
equipage.
" Yes," said the other, " I am very well, but
I am at a loss for a motto for the arms I have
had painted on the panels."
156 Bon- Mots
"Oh! I can easily help you to one," said
Selwyn ; "what think you of Manners make
the man?"
QBSERVING the then Speaker of the House
of Commons tossing about bank bills at
a hazard-table at Newmarket, the wit ex-
claimed —
' ' Look how easily the Speaker passes the
money bills ! "
— A/\/\/Vv —
QEORGE SELWYN was responsible for the
following story, which has often been re-
peated, with variations :
Two friends, who had not seen each other
for a long while, met one day by accident.
' ' How do you do ? " says one.
"So, so," replies the other, "and yet I was
married since you and I were together."
" That is very good news."
" Not very good — for it was my lot to choose
a termagant."
" It is a pity."
"I hardly think it so — for she brought me
two thousand pounds."
" Well, there is comfort."
" Not so much — for with her fortune 1 bought
Of the Eighteenth Century. 157
a number of sheep, and they arc all dead of
the rot."
" That is, indeed, distressing ! "
" Not so distressing as you may imagine—
for by the sale of their skins I got more than
the sheep cost me."
" In that case you are indemnified."
"By no means — for my house and all my
money have been destroyed by fire."
" Alas, this was a dreadful misfortune ! "
"Faith, not so dreadful — for my termagant
wife and my house were burned together."
CELWYN was dining with the Mayor and
Corporation of Gloucester, in 1758, when
news arrived of the English expedition having
failed before Rochefort. The Mayor, turning
to Selwyn, said —
" You, sir, who are in the ministerial secrets,
can, no doubt, inform us of the cause of this
misfortune?"
Selwyn, although utterly ignorant upon the
subject, could not resist the temptation for
hoaxing, and replied —
"I will tell you, in confidence, the reason,
Mr Mayor ; the fact is, that the scaling ladders
prepared for the occasion, were found on trial
to be too short."
— ■AAA/'/ —
158 Bon-Mots
QNE night at White's, Sir L. Fawkener, the
postmaster- general, was losing a large
sum at piquet, when Selwyn, pointing to the
successful player, said —
" See how he is robbing the mail ! "
T 1
■^A/V\/v—
'HERE is nothing new under the sun,"
exclaimed Horace Walpole, on learning
that the Newcastle ministry would continue in
power after the death of George the Second.
"No, nor under the grandson," replied
George Selwyn.
— a/\/\/W-
" T_TOW does your newly purchased horse
answer f" enquired Cumberland of
Selwyn.
"I really don't know," replied the latter,
"for I never asked him a question."
-wvVN/v—
DRUCE, the celebrated traveller, was talk-
ing in his accustomed exaggerated style
at a large dinner-party, when someone inquired
what musical instruments there were used in
Abyssinia. The traveller was not prepared for
the question, and at length said, "I think I
saw a lyre there."
"Yes," muttered Selwyn, "and there is one
less since you left the country."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 159
r^EORGE SELWYN, when travelling on
one occasion in a stage coach, was much
teased by the repeated impertinence of a com-
panion, who was constantly inquiring how he
was. At length Selwyn could stand it no
longer, and in answer to " How are you now,
sir?" retorted —
"Very well, sir, and intend to continue so
all the rest of the journey."
—*Aj\/\fj—
"T\U RING the rage of republican principles
in England, and whilst the Corresponding
Society was in full vigour, Selwyn was walking
one May day with Fox, when
they met a troop of chimney
sweepers decked out in all
their gaudy finery.
"I say, Charles/' said Sel-
wyn to his companion, "I
have often heard you and
others talk of the majesty of
the people ; but I never saw
any of the young princes and princesses until
now."
JS^ MEMBER of the Foley family having
hurried across to the Continent to avoid
his creditors —
"It is a pass over," said Selwyn, " that will
not be much relished by the Jews."
160 Bon-Mots
QEORGE SELWYN, observing Bethel's
sharp face looking at the prisoners dur-
ing the trial of the rebel lords, said —
' ' What a shame it is to turn the edge of the
axe to the prisoners before they are con-
demned."
—*i\l\N*—
COME lady friends blamed Selwyn for going
to see the execution of Lord Lovat, and
asked him how he could be so barbarous as to
see the head cut off.
"Well," said he, "if that was wrong, I'm
sure I've made amends ; for I went to see it
sewed on again."
— v\/\/Vv —
TTAPPENING to be at Bath when that
resort of fashionable invalids was nearly
empty, Selwyn, pour passer le temps, cultivated
the acquaintance of an elderly nonentity whom
he had encountered at the Pump Rooms. In
the height of the following season the two
encountered in London, and Selwyn tried to
cut his whilom acquaintance, but in vain.
"What, don't you recollect me?" exclaimed
the visitor.
"I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn,
and then added, with pointed rudeness, "and
when I next go to Bath I shall be most happy
to become acquainted with you again.''
Of the Eighteenth Century. 161
A SOCIETY beauty was showing Selwyn a
splendid new gown covered with silver
spangles the size of a shilling, and asked what
he thought of it.
"Why, I think," said he, "that you will be
change for a guinea."
C ELWYN being in a bookseller's shop, was
conversing with a politician, a member of
the Administration then in power. He was
asked what he thought of the constitution of
Great Britain.
" The constitution of England, my lord," re-
plied the wit, ' ' and that of your humble servant
are alike in a rotten condition, though I must
own that I have the advantage — for I have the
advantage of an able surgeon, but our poor
country is committed to the care of a parcel oj
quacks."
— «a/\Aa —
'T'HE effect of Burke's earlier speeches in the
House was such that he got nicknamed
"the dinner-bell." A nobleman, meeting
Selwyn as he was quitting the precincts of the
chamber, said —
' ' What, is the House up ? "
" No," replied the wit, wearily, " but Burke
l62
Bon-Mots
COMEONE of the same name as Charles
James Fox having been hanged at Tyburn,
Fox asked Selwyn if he had been present at the
execution.
" No," was his answer, " I make a point of
never attending rehearsals.'"
— A/\/\/V" —
V\7HEN it was reported that Sir Joshua
Reynolds was to stand for the borough
of Plympton at the next elec-
tion, there was much amuse-
ment at the political clubs over
the idea of an artist or a
literary man presuming to have
a chance to get into the House
of Commons.
" He is not to be laughed at,
however," said Selwyn; "he
may very well succeed in being
elected, for Sir Joshua is the
ablest man I know on a canvas. "
-^VVW
T ADY HARRINGTON, determined to out-
shine everyone at the coronation of George
III., covered herself with all the diamonds she
could borrow, hire, or seize, and, with the air
of a Roxana, was the finest figure — at a dis-
tance. She complained to Selwyn that she
Of the Eighteenth Century. 163
was to walk with Lord Portsmouth, who would
have a wig and a stick.
" Pho ! " said the wit, "you will only look as
if you were taken up by the constable ! "
Lady Harrington repeated this remark,
thinking that the reflection was on Lady
Portsmouth.
— w\A/w-
TN one of his speeches, Lord Shelbourne,
alluding to Lord Carlisle, said —
" The noble Lord has written a comedy."
" No, no, a tragedy," interrupted Carlisle.
" Oh ! I beg pardon," said Shelbourne, drily,
' ' / thought it zvas a comedy."
— 'AA/w-
A CLERGYMAN, who desired to annotate
Shakespeare's plays, took a specimen of
his work to Sheridan, and asked his opinion.
"Sir," said Sheridan, shordy, "I wonder
people won't mind their own affairs ; you may
spoil your own Bible if you please, but, pray,
let ours alone."
—fAJ\jv^-
f\F an opponent who tried to do him an in-
jury, and who plumed himself upon his
cleverness, Sheridan neatly remarked : " I could
laugh at his malice, but not at his wit."
164 Bon-Mots
T ORD GEORGE GORDON asked Selwyn
it" he would choose him again for Lugge-
shall ; but Selwyn replied that the constituents
would not.
" Oh, yes, if you would recommend me, they
would choose me if I came from the coast of
Africa."
"That depends upon what part you came
from ; they would certainly if you came from
the guinea coast."
-^A/W' —
/^\X the debate as to the Union of the Irish
and English Parliaments, Pitt said that
Sheridan seemed determined to have the last
word.
"Nay," replied Sheridan, "I am satisfied
with having the last argument."
— A/\/\/V>—
V\7HEN Macklin was rehearsing Macbeth,
and, from want of memory, detained
the performers unusually long at the theatre,
one of them asked Ned Shuter if he did not
think it very extraordinary, that a man so old,
and infirm in intellect, should attempt such a
character. Shuter replied drily by lines from
the play itself —
" The time has been,
That when the brains were out the man would die,
And there an end : but now "
D 1
Of the Eighteenth Century. 165
,URING the debate on Pitt's India Bill, at
which period John Robinson was Secre-
tary to the Treasury, Sheridan, one evening
when Fox's majorities were decreasing, said,
" Mr Speaker, this is not at all to be wondered
at, when a member is employed to corrupt
everybody in order to ob-
tain votes."
Upon this, there was a
general outcry made by
everybody in the House :
' ' WTio is it ? Name him !
Name him ! "
"Sir," said Sheridan
to the Speaker, ' ' I shall
not name the person. It
is an unpleasant and invidious thing to do so,
and therefore I shall not name him. But don't
suppose, Sir, that I abstain because there is
any difficulty in naming ; I could do that, Sir,
as soon as you could say Jack Robinson,"
-wvw» —
A/T RS SIDDONS' father had always forbidden
her to marry an actor, and when he
learned that 'she had secretly married a member
of his company he stormed.
" Have I not dared you to marry a player ! "
The "Muse of Tragedy" replied readily
enough, that she had not disobeyed his injunc-
tion.
1 66 Bon-Mots
' ' What, madam ! have you not allied your-
self to about the worst performer in my com-
pany ! ' '
"Exactly so," answered the bride triumph-
antly, "nobody can call him an actor."
A
—WWW-
FRIEND having declared in Mrs Siddons's
hearing that applause was necessary to
actors as it gave them confidence, " More,"
interposed she, " it gives us breath /"
—*N\J\t*—
A WOULD-BE poet having written an
eulogy on the Duke of Grafton showed it
to Smollett, and desired that writer's opinion
on it.
Smollett began reading the first page,
" 'Thou peerless peer' — oh, my dear friend,
this is an intolerable error to start with ; for
heaven's sake strike it out, and let it stand
' thou graceless peer.' "
— a/Wv. —
TN the controversy between South and Sher-
lock the latter said that "His adversary
reasoned well, but he barked like a cur."
To this South retorted, " that fawning was
the property of a cur as well as barking."
Of the Eighteenth Century. 167
TT\R SOUTH used frequently to say that
many a good man, who might have made
a good pulpit, made a very bad figure when he
was put into one.
VXTHEN Lord Stair was English Ambassador
at the Court of Louis XIV., a minister
one day at a dinner of dignitaries gave us his
toast, " the sun, the emblem of my master, the
centre of the universe."
The pledge having been duly and enthusiasti-
cally honoured, Lord Stair stood up and pro-
posed "Joshua, the emblem of England."
— 'A/VVv —
AN Englishman asked Sir Richard Steele
why it was that his countrymen were so
remarkable for blundering in speech.
"Faith," answered Steele, "I believe there
is something in the air of Ireland ; and I dare
say if an Englishman was born there he would
do the same."
T AURENCE STERNE sarcastically said:
"The most accomplished way of using
books is to serve them as some people do lords ;
learn their titles and then brag of their acquaint-
168 Bon-Mots
"\X7'HEN Steele was preparing a large room
in York-buildings for public orations, it
was no unusual thing for him to be behindhand
in paying his work-people. Coming one day
to see what progress had been made, he
ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum
and speak anything that came uppermost so
that he might observe how the room would do
for sound.
"Why then, Sir Richard," spoke up the
workman , ' ' here have we been working for you
these six months, and cannot get one penny
of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to
pay us?"
"Very well, very well," said Steele; "pray
come down ; I have heard quite enough ; I
cannot but own you speak very distinctly,
though I don't much admire your subject.''
TI7NGAGED in conversation with Sterne, the
^ Duke of Newcastle observed that men of
genius were unfit for ordinary employment,
being generally incapable of business.
"They are not incapable, your grace,"
replied Sterne, "but above it. A sprightly,
generous horse is able to carry a packsaddle as
well as an ass, but lie is too good to be put to
the drudgery."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
169
TN company with a friend at a coffee house,
Sterne was accosted by a young man who
had been railing at the church, and who in-
quired what might be his opinion on the
subject.
Sterne, instead of answering the impertinence,
observed that ' ' it was curious but he had a dog
— a very fine dog to all appearance— but the
worst of him was that he always would snarl at
a clergyman."
" How long has he had that trick?" inquired
the would-be wit.
"Oh, sir," answered Sterne pointedly, "ever
since he was a puppy /"
170 Bon-Mots
COME one having said that apothecaries
bore the same relation to physicians as
attorneys do to barristers, Sterne assented,
adding, however, "So they do, but apothe-
caries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter
do not deal in scruples."
— *A/W^
A FRENCH gentleman asked Sterne, when
in Paris, if he found in France no original
characters that he could make use of in his Life
and Opinions of Tristram Sha?idy.
"No," replied the author; "the French
resemble old pieces of coin, whose impressions
are worn off with rubbing."
THE King of Prussia, proud of his tall
grenadiers whom he was reviewing, asked
Sir Robert Sutton, who was present, if he
thought an equal number of Englishmen could
beat them.
"That I can't tell, Sir," diplomatically
answered Sutton, "but I believe half the
number would try."
— wWv—
" ~P)0 you know, sir," said a pert young man
to Swift, "that I have set up for a
wit?"
"Then, young man," was the Dean's retort,
" take my advice and sit down again."
Of the Eighteenth Century.
171
CWIFT, on somebody enquiring what was at
once the easiest and the most difficult thing
to do, promptly answered,
" to bolt a door."
THE Dean once
preached a charity
sermon at St Patrick's,
Dublin, which disgusted
many of his auditors by
reason of its length. This
came to his knowledge,
and when shortly after he
had to preach another
sermon of a like kind in
the same place he took
care not to fall into the
earlier error.
His text was, " He that
hath pity upon the poor
lendeth unto the Lord,
and that which he hath given He would pay
him again." After repeating his text the Dean
added —
"Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the
terms of this loan ; if you like the security,
down with the dust ! "
— ^v\/Vv—
172 Bon-Mots
L ADY CARTARET, wife of the Lord Lieu-
tenant of Ireland in Swift's time, said to
the witty Dean, " the air of this country is very
good."
"For God's sake, Madam," said Swift,
"don't say so in England! If you do, they
will certainly tax it."
A GENTLEMAN with whom Swift was
dining, introduced, after the meal, some
particularly small hock glasses, and turning to
his visitor said, "Mr Dean, I shall be happy
to take a glass of hie, hasc, hoc with you. '
" Sir," rejoined the witty divine, " I shall be
happy to comply, but it must be out of a hit jus
glass."
-wWVv—
CWIFT, in a satire upon the Dissenters,
spoke strongly of a certain sergeant at
law, who determined to chastise the author.
He went to the friends where the Dean was
staying and requested to see Swift alone. He
then pompously addressed him : —
" Dr Jonathan Swift, Dean of St Patrick's,
I am Sergeant Bettesworth."
"Of what regiment f" asked the Dean with
imperturbable coolness.
T
Of the Eighteenth Century. 173
HE motto which William the Third placed
under the Royal arms, "Non rapui sed
recepi," being pointed out to Swift, he very
readily said, "The receiver is as bad as the
thief."
CWIFT was in company one day when the
talk turned upon family antiquities. The
hostess enlarged a little too freely on her descent,
observing that her ancestor's names began with
De, and of course they were of antique French
origin.
"And now," said the Dean when she had
finished, " will you be as good as to help me to
a piece of that D-iimpling?"
— <\z\/Vv^
TA ESCRIBING the harangue of the Prince of
Orange to the Portsmouth mob, Swift said
the Prince began, "'We are come for your
good— for all your goods ;' a universal principle,"
added the Dean " of all governments ; but like
most other truths only half-told; he should
have said, goods and chattels."
A LADY having thrown down her mantua,
and with it a Cremona fiddle, the Dean
happily quoted from Virgil —
" Mantua, vec miserce nitiiium vicina Cretnoucr .'"
174 Bon-Mots
TTAVING preached an assize sermon in
Ireland, Dean Swift was invited to dinner
by one of the judges. As the preacher had
been very severe on all concerned in the law, a
young barrister thought to be smart at his
expense, and enquired : —
"Doctor, if it were possible for the devil to
die, don't you think a clergyman might be
found to preach his funeral sermon?"
"Very likely," replied Swift, "and were I
the man pitched upon I should do by the devil
as I have just now done by his disciples — I
should give him his due."
"DETTESWORTH, having called upon him
to disavow the offensive lines or take the
consequences, Swift replied — "Sir, when I
was a young man I had the honour of being
intimate with some great legal characters,
particularly Lord Somers, who, knowing my
propensity to satire, advised me, when I lam-
pooned a knave ox fool never to own it. Con-
formably to that advice, I tell you I am not
the author."
— a/WVn, —
A N Irish peer had the following motto on
his carriage " Eques hand male not us" (a
nobleman not ill-known), but as he was not
Of the Eighteenth Century. 175
remarkable for the prompt payment of his
creditors, Swift suggested —
"I think that the Latin motto on Lord B's
coach may be literally rendered, ' Better known
than trusted.' "
— *AJ\fc—
A MBROSE PHILIPS was a neat dresser and
very vain. In a conversation between him,
Congreve, Swift, and others the talk ran a good
while on Julius Caesar. After many things had
been said Philips enquired
what sort of a person they
supposed Julius Caesar to
have been ? He was answered
that from medals it appeared
that he was a small man and
thin faced.
••Now for my part," sug-
gested Philips, " I should take
him to have been of a lean
make, pale complexion, ex-
tremely neat in his dress, and
five feet seven inches high."
(An exact description of the speaker himself.)
Swift let him go on, and when he had quite
done, said, "And I too, Philips, should take
him to have been a plump man, just five feet
five inches high ; not very neatly dressed, in a
black gown with pudding sleeves ! "
176 Bon-Mots
CWIFT on one occasion gravely told his cook
to remove a joint of meat from the table
and do it less ; and on her alleging that it was
impossible he said he hoped that when in the
future she chose to commit a fault she would
choose one which might be mended.
T
O an elderly gentleman who had lost his
spectacles the Dean said, "If this rain
continues all night, you will certainly recover
them in the morning betimes —
' ' Xocte pluit tota-redeunt spectacula mane.' "
THE last of the Dean's witticisms was an
epigram on the building of a magazine for
arms and stores, which was pointed out to him
as he was taking exercise during his mental
disease :
Behold a proof of Irish sense.
Here Irish wit is seen —
When nothing's left that's worth defence,
They build a magazine.
-^A/Wv—
TT is a miserable thing to live in suspense —
it is the life of a spider.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 177
"DEING one day at a civic feast, one of the
dignitaries called out a toast,
" Mr Dean, the trade of Ireland ! "
"Sir, I drink to no memories!" replied Swift
with wonderful readiness.
THE stoical scheme of supplying our wants
by lopping off our desires, is like cutting
off our feet when we want shoes.
T F a man makes me keep my distance, the
comfort is, he keeps his own.
A NOBLE lord trying to persuade Swift to
dine with him said, " I'll send you my bill
of fare."
"Send me your bill of company" was the
Dean's reply.
JEREMY TAYLOR, having been presented
J to the Archbishop of Canterbury, was told
that his youthfulness was a bar to his im-
mediate employment.
"If your grace," replied Taylor, "will
excuse me this fatdt I promise, if I live, to
amend it."
M
178 Bon-Mots
A NOBLEMAN was one day relating to
Swift an account of his whimsical ex-
ploits and various so-called "frolics," when
the Dean interrupted him, saying,
" My Lord Duke, I advise you the next time
you have an inclination to engage in a frolic, to
try the frolic of being virtuous ; and, take my
word for it, you will find it the pleasantest
frolic you ever played in your life."
'T'AYLOR says : my best pun was that which
I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss
Ogle. We were supping together at the
Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning
on Garrick, I asked him which of his perform-
ances he thought the best. "Oh," said he,
" the Lear, the Lear." " No wonder," said I,
" you were fond of a Leer when you married an
Ogle."
— WWv —
TXTHEN Thelwall was being tried for high
treason at the Old Bailey, he wrote the
following note, during the evidence for the
prosecution, and sent it to Erskine his counsel,
" I am determined to plead my cause myself."
" If you do, you'll be hanged," wrote Erskine,
and returned it.
" I'll be hanged, then, if I do" immediately
answered Thelwall.
Of the Eighteenth Century. 179
'T'HELWALL and Coleridge were sitting in
a beautiful rural spot when the poet re-
marked,
"Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk
treason in ! "
"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied Thelwall,
" it is rather a place to make a man forget that
there is any necessity for treason."
— wvw —
TAMES THOMSON, the poet who wrote the
J Castle of Indolence, was himself of a most
indolent nature. There is a story told of him
that he was once seen, hands in pockets, leaning
against a wall eating peaches off the bough to
save the trouble of plucking them. On another
occasion a friend calling on him in the after-
noon found him still in bed, and on enquiring
why, the poet gave the best of reasons for not
moving, " Man, I hae nae motive."
— v/\/\/Vv —
V\/'HEN Tooke was contesting the West-
minster election, a not particularly
reputable supporter of his opponent greeted
him with —
"Well, Mr Tooke, you will have all the
blackguards with you to-day."
" I am delighted to hear it, sir," retorted he,
"and from such good authority."
Bon-Mots. 181
V\7HEX Tooke was justifying to the Com-
missioners his return of income under
^60 a-year, one of these gentlemen dissatisfied
with the explanation, said hastily —
" Mr Tooke, I do not understand you."
"Very possibly," replied he sarcastically,
"but as you have not half the understanding
of other men, you should have double the
patience."
JJORNE TOOKE well said, " Law ought to
be not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy
to be easily, cheaply and speedily obtained by
the poor."
Someone having observed to him how excel-
lent are the English laws because they are
impartial, and our courts of Justice are open to
all persons without distinction.
"And so," said Tooke, "is the London
Tavern, to such as can afford to pay for their
entertainment.
L c
— WW^~
ORD ELDON, when Attorney General,
,as in the habit of closing his speeches
with some remarks justifying his own character.
Speaking of his own reputation at the trial of
Home Tooke he said —
"It is the little inheritance I have to leave
1 82 Bon-Mots
my children, and, by God's help, I will leave it
unimpaired." Here he shed tears, and to the
astonishment of those present, Mitford the
Solicitor-General began to weep.
" Just look at Mitford," said a bystander to
Home Tooke, ' ' what on earth is he crying for ? "
"He is crying," Tooke replied, "to think
what a small inheritance Eldon's children are
likely to get."
" T DON'T like to hear people dwelling so
much upon precedent," -said Home
Tooke, "it always shows there is something
wrong in the principle"
— aWv» —
"DEING asked by George the Third whether
he played at cards, Home Tooke mean-
ingly replied : " I cannot, your Majesty, tell a
king from a knave."
TTPON his acquittal, after being tried for
high treason, a young woman introduced
herself to Home Tooke as the daughter of one
of the jurymen.
"Then give me leave, madam," said Tooke,
"to call you sister, for your father has just
given me life."
Of the Eighteenth Century, 183
Y\7'HEN Home Tooke, who was the son of
a poultry dealer, was called upon by his
schoolfellows to give an account of himself, he
said: "I am the son of an eminent Turkey
merchant."
/ T*HE hand of the law is on the poor— and
the shadow on the rich.
— v\/\/Vv —
A POLITICIAN said : "If I was compelled
to make a choice, I should not hesitate
to prefer despotism to anarchy."
"Then you would do," replied Tooke, "as
your ancestors did at the Reformation. They
rejected purgatory and kept hell."
— A/VW-
" TTORNE TOOKE'S advice to the Friends
of the People," said Coleridge, "was
profound : — ' If you wish to be powerful, pre-
tend to be powerful."'
— aWw-
"tXTHEN, in 1759, there was a successful de-
bate in the House of Commons in favour
of a bill for augmenting the salaries of the
judges, Townsend said that "The book of
Judges was saved by A" umbers."
1 84
Bon-Mots
A CERTAIN peer, who had a very exalted
idea of his own cleverness, once said —
"When I happen to say a foolish thing, I
always burst out a-laugh-
ing."
"Then," said Charles
Townsend, ' ' I envy you
your happiness, my lord,
for you must certainly
live the merriest life of
any man in Europe."
— aWv>--
'TOWNSEND was one
day accosted by a
peer whose son, a hard drinker, was then
engaged in cutting down all the trees on his
estate. "Well, Charles, how does my grace-
less dog of a son go on ? "
"Why, I should suppose," replied he, "on
the recovery, as I left him drinking the woods."
THE Due de Choiseul, who was a remarkably
meagre -looking man, having come to
London to negotiate a peace, Charles Town-
send was asked if the French Government had
sent the preliminaries of a treaty.
"I don't know," answered he, "but they
have at least sent the outline of an ambas-
sador."
:
Of the Eighteenth Century. 185
VTOLTAIRE having looked over Rousseau's
Ode to Posterity, said to the author : " I
am afraid your Ode will never be forwarded to
its address."
|N hearing the name of Haller mentioned
to him by an Englishman at Ferney,
Voltaire burst forth into violent panegyric.
His visitor remarked that such praise was
most disinterested, for Haller by no means
spoke so highly of him.
"Well, well, what matters it?" quietly said
the philosopher, ' ' perhaps we are both mis-
taken."
C\Y a certain apothecary, Voltaire said that
his employment was to pour drugs of
which he knew little into a body of which he
kneii) less."
-^A/\A/v—
"\X7"HARTOX made a courteously severe re-
tort to Dr Johnson when the latter,
falling upon him at Reynolds's, said —
" Sir, I am not used to be contradicted."
" Better for yourself and your friends, sir, if
you were," courageously said Wharton, adding,
"Our admiration could not be increased, but
our love might."
186 Bon-Mots
CIR THOMAS WALDO related that on
leaving the Duke of Newcastle's after a
visit, he had to fee quite a train of servants,
and having at length disbursed quite a large
sum, he arrived at the cook, into whose hand
he put a crown. The man at once handed it
back, saying —
" Sir, I do not take silver."
"Don't you, indeed! then / do," said Sir
Thomas, replacing the crown in his pocket."
— WVW—
■LTORACE WALPOLE wittily denned timber
as "an excrescence on the face of the
earth, placed there by Providence for the pay-
ment of debts."
\K7ALPOLE, referring to Selwyn's well-
known morbid hobby of attending all
executions, funerals, etc., said—
" George never thinks but a la tete tranchie.
He came to town the other day to have a tooth
drawn, and told the man that he would drop
his handkerchief for the signal" (alluding to
the practice of stage criminals dropping a
handkerchief on the scaffold as a signal to
the executioner to strike).
Of the Eighteenth Century. 187
QNE of the Fellows of Trinity College, Ox-
ford, was reading prayers when he came
to the verse in the Psalms,
"Lord, thou knowest my simple-
ness."
"Why," broke in Wharton,
" that is known to everybody."
Wit, however, in this case did
not go unpunished, for some
time afterwards, when the head-
ship of the College fell vacant,
Wharton, who was a candidate,
asked his friend for his vote —
which happened to be the casting
one — "No, no," replied he, "I
am not so simple as that," and
Wharton lost his election."
CIR ROBERT WALPOLE said : "Patriots
are easily raised ; I have myself made
many a one. 'Tis but to refuse an unreason-
able demand, and up springs a patriot."
\X7HEN Wilkes was in France, a Court lady
said to him : " You Englishmen are fine
fellows ; pray, how far may a man go in his
abuse of the Royal family among you? "
" I do not at present know," drily answered
Wilkes, " but I am trying"
188 Bon-Mots
T ADY BARRYMORE said : " I wonder why
people say as poor as Job, and never as
rich, for in one part of his iife he had great
riches."
"Yes, madam," said Walpole, "but then
they pronounce his name differently ; they
call him Jobb."
A CELEBRATED preacher having preached
in Winchester Cathedral from the text,
"All wisdom is sorrow," received a happy
compliment from Dr Wharton in the following
epigram : —
" If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
That ' wisdom is sorrow,' how wretched are you."
—^AT\/\ff—
TOURING the persecution of Whiston, George
the Second, who was very fond of him,
suggested that, however right his opinions
might be, he had better suppress them.
"Had Martin Luther done so," said the
author, "your Majesty would not have been
upon the throne of England ! "
A N actor named Whitely, manager of one
of the country circuits, had always a keen
eye to the "treasury," and during a perform-
Of the Eighteenth Century. 189
ance of Richard the Third he gave emphatic
proof of this. He was acting the crookback
himself, when from the stage he exclaimed —
" Hence babbling dreams, you threaten here in vain,
Conscience avaunt ! — That man in the brorvn tvig,
there, has got into the pit without paying —
Richard's himself again ! "
TOHN WILKES, of North Briton fame,
J accounted for the regularity with which a
miserly old citizen attended church by saying :
' ' He has a very good reason for it ; for as he
never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or con-
ferred a favour on any man living, no one would
pray for him."
190 Bon-Mots
YA/ILKES and Colonel Luttrell were on the
Brentford hustings, when the former
asked his opponent if he thought there were
more fools or rogues among the crowd spread
about them.
" I'll tell them what you say, and put an end
to you," said the Colonel.
This threat in no wise alarmed Wilkes, so
his opponent added : " Surely you don't mean
to say you could stand here one hour after I
did so?"
"Why," said Wilkes, "you would not be
alive one instant after."
" How so?"
' ' I should merely say it was a lie, and they'd
tear you to pieces in a moment."
" T WISH you at the devil ! " said a political
adversary to Wilkes.
" I don't wish you there," was the answer.
"Why?"
" Because I never wish to see you again / "
CHORTLY after his appointment as Chief
Magistrate, Wilkes was attending a city
banquet, when among the guests was a noisy
and untidy glutton well known at such gather-
ings. On his entry into the dining-room this
Of the Eighteenth Century. 191
deputy always deliberately removed his wig and
put on a white cotton nightcap.
Wilkes could not fail to be struck and dis-
gusted by the novel sight, and at length the
deputy walked up to him and asked if he did
not think the nightcap becoming.
"Oh, yes, sir," answered Wilkes, "but it
would look much better if it was pulled quite
over your face.
— N\[\J\r* —
T N an impressive scene in the House of Lords,
when Lord Thurlow exclaimed: "If I
forget my sovereign, may my God forget me ! "
Wilkes muttered : ' ' Forget you ! He'll see
you damned first ! "
— A/\/\/\^ —
"TUNING at Dolly's chop-house, Wilkes met
one of the aldermen, whom, though op-
posed to him in the city, he civilly accosted.
The other made but a surly and churlish reply,
and almost immediately began bullying the
waiter and clamouring for the steak which he
had ordered. When at length it was brought
to him, Wilkes turned to his neighbour and
said —
"Pray, sir, observe the difference between
Dolly's chop-house and the bear garden.
There the bear is brought to the stake ; here the
steak is brought to the bear."
192
Bon-Mots
"DOSWELL, dining with the sheriffs and
judges at the Old Bailey, complained
that he had had his pocket picked of his
handkerchief.
" Pooh, pooh ! " said Alderman Wilkes, " it
is nothing but the ostentation of a Scotchman,
to let the world know that he had possessed a
pocket-handkerchief. "
V\7"HEN William of Orange was preparing
his expedition to England, one of his
officers ventured to ask what were his in-
tentions.
' ' Answer me a ques-
tion in your turn," said
the Prince. ' ' Can you
keep a secret?"
"Certainly," replied
the other, fully expect-
ing that trust was about
to be reposed in him."
" And so can I," said
the Prince, ' ' for which
reason you must excuse
me from telling you my intentions."
— 'AA/Vv—
AT King's College, Cambridge, when not
more than two of the Fellows had been
at chapel with the Provost, the latter official,
Of the Eighteent.li Century. 193
Dr Snape, said in the evening to tne Vice
Provost, Dr Wilmot —
"Upon my word, there was a scandalous
appearance at chapel this morning ! "
"Indeed!" said Wilmot, "but why apply
to me? I did not contribute to make it."
UUMEONE who was disputing with Dr
Wolcot said in a passion that he did not
like to be thought a scoundrel.
"I wish," retorted the satirist, "that you
had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel."
— 'AA/v- —
pETER PINDAR addressed the following
lines to the dramatist, O'Keefe: —
"They say, O'Keefe,
Thou art a thief,
That half thy works are stol'n, or more :
I say, O'Keefe,
Thou art no thief,
Such stuff was never writ hefore ! "
— %WVv —
YXTHEN Edward Young (author of Night
Thoughts) was walking in his garden at
Welwyn w ith a couple of ladies — one of whom
he afterwards married — a servant told him that
a visitor wished to see him. As he refused to
go, one lady took him by the right arm, the
x
194 Bon-Mots
other by the left, and led him to the garden
gate. Finding resistance of no avail, the
doctor bowed, laid his hand upon his heart,
and delivered himself of the following happy
impromptu : —
"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
And thus disputed orders sent from Heaven.
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth ;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind ;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."
A '1' a club of which Young was. a member, it
was one evening proposed that each of
those present should write an epigram on his
drinking glass. The poet excused himself,
saying that he had no diamond, but Lord
Stanhope (afterwards Earl of Chesterfield)
offered his, and Young immediately wrote —
" Accept a miracle instead of wit ;
See two dull lines with Stanhope's pencil writ."
— v\A/W —
AXTHEN Voltaire was in England lie ridi-
culed, in Young's presence, Milton's
■ Ulegory of Death and Sin," which produced
this extempore epigram
" You are so witty, profligate, and thin,
At once we think yon Milton. Death, and Sin."
Of the Eighteenth Century,
[95
AT a grand masquerade ball in Paris in the
reign of Louis XIII. the king was dis-
covered by two young courtiers walking in the
ballroom with his arm round a lady's waist.
One of the gentlemen complained of the heat
of the room, and suggested an adjournment t<>
the King's Arms.
" No," replied the other, " that will not do,
the King's Arms arc full, but, if you like, we
will retire to the King's Header that is quite
empty."
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