.
 
 M. QUAD AND CHARACTERS.
 
 LIME -KILN CLUB: 
 
 BEING TIIK 
 
 Regular Proceedings of the Regular Club 
 
 FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS. 
 
 WITH SOME PHILOSOPHY, CONSIDERABLE MUSIC, A FEW LECTURES, 
 AND A HEAP OF ADVICE WORTH READING. 
 
 NOT COMPILED IN THE INTERESTS OF CONGRESS, OR ANY 
 DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT. 
 
 M. QUAD AND BROTHER GARDNER. 
 
 Illustrated by GEAN SMITH, 
 
 CHICAGO: 
 
 BELFORD, CLARKE & Co. 
 1882.
 
 COPYRIGHTED. 
 BELFORD, CLARKE & CO. 
 
 1882. 
 
 Printed nnd Round by Do\nniTE & HENNEBEKKY, Chicago.
 
 DEDICATED 
 
 TO THE MEMBERS OF THE 
 DETROIT LIME-KILN CLUB, 
 
 AND TO 
 
 THE FRIENDS AND WELL WISHERS 
 
 OK 
 THE COLORED MAN IN AMERICA. 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER. 

 
 PREFACE. 
 
 IT is not any ways probable that the production of this 
 work will add anything to the general happiness of the world; 
 and the purchaser must not hold me responsible if his crops 
 fail or his lottery ticket hits a blank. It has become quite 
 fashionable to write and publish books. They are handy to 
 box the children s ears with; are good property to lend to your 
 neighbors; and when the baby has torn the covers off, they 
 can be worn as chest-protectors and liver-pads. The only 
 thing I warrant about this book is that it contains no vege 
 table poisons, and will not explode when handled by innocent 
 children. 
 
 Affectionately, 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 About Art 114 
 
 About Kind Words 145 
 
 About Liars 99 
 
 About Progress 128 
 
 Agriculture 40, 147 
 
 All a Sham 52 
 
 As You Find Him 152 
 
 A Champion 282 
 
 A Divorce 61 
 
 A Few Reflexhuns 60 
 
 A Generous Offer 81 
 
 A Great Gain 143 
 
 A Heathen Body 79 
 
 A Narrow Escape 91 
 
 A Painful Report 47 
 
 A Statesman s Descent 68 
 
 A Word to Cranks 242 
 
 Banks and Wood Piles 219 
 
 Beauties of the Ballot 256 
 
 Beyond the Vale 199 
 
 Bouncing Brudder Scott 25 
 
 Brudder Howker 295 
 
 Can t See Why 36 
 
 Champion Poets 133 
 
 Cussin De Times 289 
 
 Cum Down 65 
 
 De Circus 179 
 
 De Comet 74 
 
 De Comin Power 98 
 
 De Good Ole Days 120
 
 viii Contents. 
 
 De Good Man 126 
 
 De Goneness H~ 
 
 De Sun Do Move 251 
 
 f )e;ith s Grip f) 6 
 
 Dread Scott Decision 142 
 
 Eiulin Up 163 
 
 First Annual Election 17 
 
 Guess Not 83 
 
 Having Fun 66 
 
 He Had a fucker 29 
 
 How Uncle Pete Died 122 
 
 Human Nature 103 
 
 It Doan Pay 150 
 
 It Must Be Crushed 49 
 
 It Pays To Be Good 291 
 
 Judge Cadaver 89 
 
 Junius Henri Bates 192 
 
 Kilhvilliam Smith 84 
 
 Let Em Divorce 238 
 
 Mary Jane s Petishun 203 
 
 More Baseness 108 
 
 Missing 187 
 
 Nine Horses and a Dog 209 
 
 No Lunatics Present 287 
 
 No Sore Heel Relief 213 
 
 None o Your Business 129 
 
 Not a Congreshunal Body 22 
 
 On Terms 154 
 
 On the Fence 1 74 
 
 On De Wait 34 
 
 Only Sons, a Protest 139 
 
 Prof. Artichoke Huggins 286 
 
 Sartin People 157 
 
 Serene Toots 107 
 
 Silent Sorrows 95 
 
 Sign " X " 229 
 
 Some New Proverbs 24 
 
 Some Observations 134 
 
 Some Valuable Relics 158 
 
 Something Was Up 334
 
 Contents. ix 
 
 Striking De Average 35 
 
 The Amende Honorable 147 
 
 The Airy Perkins 118 
 
 The Case of Smith 166 
 
 The Honest Man : . . 30 
 
 The Hon. Solo Bom by 40 
 
 The Hon. Standoff 44 
 
 The Influence of Music . 278 
 
 The Lawyers 273 
 
 The Only Reliable , 224 
 
 The Revised 105 
 
 Thanks and Modesty . 2<)f> 
 
 That Strange Nigger 75 
 
 Their Dander Riz 39 
 
 To Patriots 2(51 
 
 Trapping a Hyena 271 
 
 Valuable Time Id!) 
 
 Washington s Camp Chair 212 
 
 Whistled Fur His Dog 53
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 FRONTISPIECE, WITH PORTRAIT OF M. QUAD 
 
 GIVE ADAM JONES SETTLES PATENT OFFICE SMITH . . 18 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER. PRESIDENT OF THE LIME-KILN CLUB. ... 44 
 
 HON. WILLIAM JOHNSON ON THE COMET 74 
 
 WHAT MIGHT HAVE BERN 92 
 
 SERENE TOOTS AS A ROMAN BRIGAND 108 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER IN THE BOSOM OF HIS FAMILY 120 
 
 THE DEFEAT OF KYFUSTUS 149 
 
 WAYDOWN BEBEE 156 
 
 DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE CLUB 178 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER ANP REV. PENSTOCK. . , 194
 
 BROTHER GARDNER S 
 
 LIME-KILN CLUB 
 
 FIRST ANNUAL ELECTION. 
 
 DELEGATES to the first annual election of the 
 Lime-Kiln Club began to arrive on Thursday, and 
 when the club was called to order in Paradise Hall, 
 at 7 o clock Saturday evening, 378 honorary mem 
 bers, representing every State in the Union, were 
 on hand to participate in the exercises. The largest 
 delegation was sent by Alabama, consisting of 
 eighteen members. 
 
 Among the honoraries were sixteen ex-judges, 
 twenty-four colonels, seven generals, twenty-two 
 elders, eight deacons, thirteen reverends, ten 
 majors, twelve captains, six trustees, five "squars " 
 and thirty-eight "hons." 
 
 A Reception Committee of six active members 
 was constantly at the landings and depots, and as 
 fast as visitors arrived they were escorted to Para 
 dise Hall, and tendered a half interest in a water 
 melon and a pound of crackers. 
 
 ON THE ISLAND. 
 
 AT 11 o clock, A. M., the crowd embarked on a 
 steamer for Fighting Island. Such had been the 
 vigilance of the Committee on Agriculture, that
 
 18 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 nothing was lacking to make the ride enjoyable. 
 Ice-water, warm water, buttermilk, lemonade, root 
 beer and ginger ale were furnished in abundance; 
 and six bushels of peanuts, and ninety-eight water 
 melons contributed to the general harmony. 
 
 While no special provision had been made for 
 amusements, six dog fights occurred at convenient 
 intervals. There was also a wrestling match be 
 tween Canterbury Jones of Wisconsin, and Judge 
 Holdback Johnson, of Vermont, in which the Can 
 terbury s heels flew around with such vigor that 
 two dogs and a delegate from Rhode Island were 
 knocked overboard. 
 
 A set of boxing gloves furnished opportunity for 
 Giveadam Jones and Patent Office Smith to limber 
 up a little, and during this performance Mr. Smith 
 was knocked into the middle of next week, and did 
 not recover consciousness until nearly a gallon of 
 first-class lemonade had been wasted in bathing his 
 head. Jumping and wrestling matches were held 
 on the boat, and after her landing at Belle Isle there 
 was a running race, a sack race, and various other 
 sports. 
 
 The following prizes were distributed to the suc 
 cessful champions: 
 
 Judge Holdback Johnson, champion wrestler by a large 
 majority A water melon once owned by Henry Clay. 
 
 Giveadam Jones, champion boxer A photograph album, 
 worth forty cents. 
 
 Regulation Jones, champion jumper A linen duster which can 
 also be used for a bootjack. 
 
 Snowball Piper, champion climber A hand-painted, silk em 
 broidered, double-action wheelbarrow, can also be used for a 
 hammock.
 
 GIVEADAM JONES SETTLES PATENT OFFICE SMITH.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 19 
 
 Quite Right Hastings, champion runner A pair of No. 14 
 Arctic overshoes, can also be used for spare beds in case of a rush 
 of company. 
 
 Evidently Smith, champion gymnast A hand-sled with "Re 
 member Thy Creator " painted on the seat. 
 
 DINNER. 
 
 At 2 o clock the multitude sat down to the several 
 long tables loaded down with the following luxuries, 
 nearly all of which were contributed by the liberal- 
 hearted citizens of Detroit: 
 
 Beef, 
 
 Mutton, 
 
 Potatoes, 
 
 Cabbage, 
 
 Onions, 
 
 Turnips, 
 
 Mustard, 
 
 Pickles, 
 
 Vinegar, 
 
 Green Corn, 
 
 Mustard, 
 
 Pickles, 
 
 Mustard, More Mustard, 
 
 Bread, Crackers, Pickles, Mustard, 
 
 Coffee, Mustard, Pickles. 
 
 Mustard, Pickles, Mustard. 
 
 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 After the banquet was disposed of, the games 
 were renewed and the festivities maintained until 
 nearly sundown, when the crowd re-embarked for 
 home. On the way up the Rev. Smith lost a mouth 
 organ which had been in his family for twenty-one 
 years, and Judge Calkins fell overboard. The 
 mouth organ would not float, but the Judge did, and 
 he was pulled in by the hair, and rolled on a barrel 
 until he recovered his usual spirits. 
 
 OPENING SPEECH. 
 
 At the hour of 7:30, Paradise Hall was thrown 
 open, and the meeting called to order. The follow 
 ing eminent gentlemen had seats on the platform:
 
 20 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Gibraltar White, of Arkansas; Sozo Smith of 
 Georgia; Liberty Brown, of Virginia; Remem 
 brance Tracey, of Alabama; Kinderhook Taylor, of 
 New York; Industry Keets, of Massachusetts, and 
 Vandyke Peters of Canada. 
 
 You am crowded togeder on dis occashun to 
 hold our first anyual leckshun," said Brother Gard 
 ner, as he arose. " A little ober fo y ars ago, seben 
 men an a dog met at de Central Market, aroun de 
 co ner, an organized dis Lime-Kiln Club. At de 
 nex meetin we had eight men an fo dogs, an it 
 has kep gwine on dat way till now we hab a mem 
 bership of 3,256 pussons, sayin nuffin tall bout 
 dogs. In de las y ar we hav absorbed twenty-two 
 different societies, collected ober $2 000 in cash, los 
 five members by death, expelled three fur unbehav- 
 ior, paid out $103 fur de relief of de sick, increased 
 our library one-half, added much to de interes of de 
 museum, an am now runnin as smoothly an happy 
 as any branch of de gov ment. We am on good 
 terms wid ebery department of de guv ment cept de 
 Interior; we jine hands wid de Concord Skule of 
 Philosophy: we am all O. K. wid leadin strono- 
 mers; we has de friendship of all societies, an our 
 prosperity am all dat could be looked fur. We has 
 met dis evenin to lect officers fur de ensooin y ar, 
 an to transact odder bizness, an we will now pur- 
 ceed to de work in hand." 
 
 THE PRESIDENCY. 
 
 An informal ballot was taken for President, with 
 the following result: 
 
 Brother Gardner, - 370 
 
 Rev. Penstock, - , - J
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 21 
 
 Pickles Smith, - 1 
 
 Judge Congo, - - 1 
 
 Scattering, 5 
 
 On motion of Elder Smasher, the election of 
 Brother Gardner was made unanimous, and the old 
 man took the honor in a well-chosen speech twenty- 
 two feet long. 
 
 The following is a list of the other officers elected: 
 
 Vice-President Judge Congo, of Tennessee. 
 
 Treasurer Way down Bebee, of Detroit. 
 
 Secretary Trustee Fullback, of Detroit. 
 
 Grand Legal Adviser Magnesia Jefferson, of Virginia. 
 
 Honorary Poet Lazarus Bunkers, of New York. 
 
 Grand Chaplain Rev. Penstock, of Detroit. 
 
 Keeper of the Bear Trap Avaricious Johnson, of Detroit. 
 
 Librarian Hon. Goneback Fisher, of Canada. 
 
 Committees were also appointed on Judiciary, 
 Agriculture, Fisheries, Lighthouses, Astronomy, 
 Finance, Harmony, Pomology, Botany and Encour 
 agement of Vice. 
 
 MUSIC AND POETRY. 
 
 Judge Congo made a speech of ten minute s 
 length, in which he stated his belief that music had 
 done more to keep the colored race happy and 
 peaceful than any other influence. He believed in 
 music and song, and the Lime-Kiln Club, as the 
 representative of 3,000,000 colored people, should 
 hold out encouragement. He would move that a 
 premium of $20 be given each year for the best song 
 and chorus sent in by the composer, and he would 
 favor any move to put music in the hands of the 
 masses.
 
 22 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 FISHING. 
 
 Liberty Brown favored fishing as well as music. 
 The art of fishing was yet in its infancy. He had 
 known colored men to fish all day long and not get a 
 nibble. What is wanted is a new kind of hook one 
 which will bait itself and pitch right into hard work 
 while its owner finds a shady spot and goes to sleep. 
 
 Speeches were made on various other subjects, 
 several songs sung by the Glee Club, and it was on 
 the stroke of midnight when the meeting broke up 
 and adjourned to a barn to attack a barrel of lemon 
 ade and 112 watermelons. 
 
 NOT A CONGBESHTJNAL BODY. 
 
 "!T may be well to menshun a leetle sarcum- 
 stance right heah an now," said Brother Gardner, 
 as the next meeting opened, "I want it distinctly 
 understood dat de rules of Congress doan govern de 
 purcedins of dis club only to a sartin figger. Fur 
 instance, if Calculation King and Romance Floyd 
 should make use of dis floo to call each odder liars 
 an blackguards, an to make a display of muscle, 
 an apology nex day would have no effect on dis 
 club. Kase why? Kase de two members wouldn t 
 be heah to apologize! Dat s de remark I war gwine 
 to set fo th, an we will now go on wid de reg lar 
 bizness." 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 A letter from David Field, of Lynn, Mass., made 
 inquiries of the club as to whether the rain-fall in
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 27 
 
 " I hope you will, but I doubt it. You had ebery 
 thing to lose by gettin drunk de fust time. You 
 have lost character, respect, money an standin , an 
 dar s leetle hope dat you will see any reason to quit. 
 We kin guard agin thieves by lockin up our 
 money. We kin put de murderer in prison an hab 
 him outer de way. We kin expose de liar an kiver 
 him wid confusion. But de drunkard de hog de 
 beest, who kin trust him? Who kin believe in him? 
 Who wants his society? Who am not degraded by 
 walkin beside him? B rudder Scott, you am a 
 bounced man! Your name will be crossed from our 
 rolls, you will be refused admission heah, an we 
 shall f urgit dat you war eber numbered wid us. Let 
 us now attack de reg lar order o bizness." 
 
 PREPARING FOR A PANIC. 
 
 Waydown Bebee desired to call the attention of 
 the President to the fact that the only means of 
 egress from Paradise Hall was a single door which 
 opened into the room. In case of fire, and a rush, a 
 calamity might occur which would fill hundreds of 
 Detroit houses with wails and lamentations. 
 
 " De President has had dat ar fack in mind fur de 
 las six months," replied Brother Gardner; "an 
 now dat de queshun has bin called up, I deem it my 
 dooty to arrange a programme to prevent accident. 
 In case de janiter puts a stick in de stove dat has 
 bin loaded wid powder, or some of dese lamps ex 
 plode, our fust dooty will be to try an distinguish de 
 flames. In case of failure, I will walk out of de hall 
 fust, followed by Sir Isaac Walpole, Waydown Be 
 bee, an Giveadam Jones, at reg lar intervals. De 
 rest of you kin f oiler on in single file, an I figger
 
 28 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 dat not a coat-tail will eben be singed. My reasons 
 fur gwine out fust am dat I may see de fire engines 
 when dey arrive, an tell de men whar to frow water 
 to keep our safe from heatin its contents." 
 
 FALL RATES. 
 
 The Committee on Modern Philosophy reported 
 the following amended scale of prices for the fall 
 season, being an increase of fifteen per cent, over 
 summer rates: 
 
 For whitewashing an ordinary kitchen ceiling and 
 carrying away a cat to be drowned, fifty cents. 
 Where there is no cat the price will still be the same, 
 as the whitewasher is not to blame if the family has 
 not provided itself with a feline. 
 
 For blacking an office stove which has been spit 
 on for the last four months, twenty five cents. 
 Where the stove has escaped no abatement will be 
 made, as it could have been spit on as well as not. 
 
 For blacking stove-pipe which has been piled up 
 in the yard all summer, seven cents a joint, with an 
 extra charge of three cents for wrinkled elbows. 
 
 For whitewashing a board fence eleven feet high 
 between two loving neighbors, the charge will be 
 thirteen cents a yard. If they are not loving neigh 
 bors an extra twenty-five cents will be collected on 
 the job. 
 
 For whitewashing trees, a charge of ten cents 
 each, irrespective of size. 
 
 Where gold-leaf is worked in, or work is done to 
 imitate the old masters, the price will be $2 per day, 
 with the privilege of attending any dog fight occur 
 ring not over four blocks away.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 29 
 
 These prices are to be strictly adhered to by all 
 members of the club, and any cut will subject the 
 delinquent to a fine of $300. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 The hour for closing having arrived, the Glee 
 Club tuned up as follows: 
 
 De gentle spring am almost here, 
 
 De sun am gettin high; 
 De snow am gently slidin out, 
 
 De ice begins to fly. 
 
 In thirty days, or dar abouts, 
 
 De grass will take its green; 
 An all of us kin slosh aroun 
 
 In April mud an rain. 
 
 De robin will begin to rob, 
 
 De blue-bird will feel blue; 
 De crow will crow-bar on his way, 
 
 De buzzards buz anew. 
 
 Now let us all feel proper glad, 
 
 An lose no time, indeed; 
 In castin roun among our friends 
 
 To borry onion seed. 
 
 HE HAD A PUCKER. 
 
 JUST before the hour arrived for opening the 
 meeting Pickles Smith went to the water pail to 
 quench his thirst. Judge Cahoots was there and 
 had possession of the dipper. Owing to the fact 
 that he is in the habit of drinking out of a jug, he 
 consumed so much time that Brother Smith said 
 something about a hog. Then the judge said some-
 
 30 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 thing about a baboon, and from words they pro 
 ceeded to kicks and blows. The judge was knocked 
 over a bench, and Pickles was landed with his head 
 under the stove, and for a moment a general row 
 seemed imminent. 
 
 Elder Toots peeled off his coat and uttered a war- 
 whoop; Samuel Shin danced around, and even the 
 placid Cadaver Blossom, who is considered the soul 
 of good nature, threw down his hat and jumped 
 over three red stools and a bench. 
 
 But in two minutes all was over. The judge held 
 out his hand, and explained that the peculiar pucker 
 of his mouth obliged him to drink like a horse with 
 a bit in his mouth, and Pickles took the proffered 
 hand, and said that he had just left a home where 
 the old woman was sick with the mumps, and three 
 children were whooping around with the measles. 
 
 Both were deeply grieved and heartily ashamed, 
 and by the time Brother Gardner reached the head 
 of the stairs, harmony prevailed by a vote of 109 to 
 nothing. 
 
 THE HONEST MAN. 
 
 " IF I should find a perfeckly honest man honest 
 in his expressions, honest in his dealings, sincere in 
 his statements I shouldn t like him!" said Brother 
 Gardner, as the meeting was called to order. " He 
 would be a lonesome object in dis aige. He would 
 seek in vain fur companionship. While I believe 
 dat honesty am de bes policy, I doan look to see it 
 practiced beyond a certain limit. When I trade 
 mules wid a man, I kinder like to doubt his word.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 31 
 
 I want to feel dat he am keeping still bout de ring 
 bones an spavins, an dat de beast he says am jist 
 turnin fo teen y ars, will nebber see his twenty-first 
 birthday no moar. It am monotonous to deal wid 
 a man who am perfeckly honest. If I lend a man 
 money I want him to be honest nuff to return it, but 
 if he kin trade me a-watch worth $3 for a gun worth 
 seben, I shall think none the less of him. 
 
 " If men were so sincere dat we felt obleeged to be 
 lieve whateber dey asserted, we should hab no use 
 fur theories an argyments. When I gib my note I 
 expect to pay it. When I ax a man how he would 
 like to trade his wheelbarrow fur my dog, I m not 
 gwine to inform him dat Csesar am all bark an no 
 bite, an he am not gwine to tell me dat he borrowed 
 dat wheelbarrow in de night, an forgot to return it. 
 If a grocer leaves me in charge of his sto Ize gwine 
 to sot fur half an hour beside a box of herrings an 
 keep my hands in my pockets all de time. Yet, if 
 dat same man sells me a pound of tea he expects 
 me to try an pass off on him a half-dollar wid a 
 hole in it. 
 
 " Continer, my frens, to believe dat honesty am 
 de bes policy, but doan expect too much of so-called 
 honest men. You kin trust men wid your wallet 
 who would borrow a pitchfork an nebber return it. 
 You kin lend your hoss to a man who would cheat 
 you blind in tradin obercoats. You kin send home 
 a pa r o dead ducks at noon-day by a man who 
 would steal your live chickens at midnight. 
 
 " When I lend my naybur Mocha coffee I like to 
 wonder if he won t pay it back in Rio. When de 
 ole woman buys kaliker on a guarantee she rather 
 hopes it will fade in de washin ,
 
 33 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "I solemnly believe dat de world am honest nuff, 
 jist as it am. When you gin your word stick to it if 
 it busts de bank. When you do a job of work do it 
 well; when you make a debt pay it. Any man who 
 am mo honest dan dat will want you to cut a penny 
 in two to make out his shilling; he will ring you up 
 at midnight to return your mouse-trap; he will take 
 one shingle from your bunch an offer you de 
 one-hundredth part of what de bunch cost; he will 
 borrow your boot-jack an insist dat you borrow his 
 wash-board to offset it. We will now proceed to 
 bizness." 
 
 PLEASE ARREST HIM. 
 
 The secretary announced a letter from the Hon. 
 Occupation Buckworthy, of Portsmouth, Va., stat 
 ing that a colored man calling himself Judge John 
 Waterman, and claiming to be an active local mem 
 ber of the Lime-Kiln Club, was in that city dispos 
 ing of photographs supposed to represent Brother 
 Gardner. He sold the photographs at twenty cents 
 each, and claimed that the funds were to be sent to 
 Liberia, to establish a mouth-organ factory. The 
 photographs represented a colored person with a 
 broken nose, a squint eye, front teeth gone, and 
 ears large enough to throw a shadow over a wall 
 eighteen feet high. Was it all right, or was the 
 man an imposter? 
 
 Brother Gardner was jumping two feet high be 
 fore the secretary had finished, and it took him only 
 four minutes to write and send out a telegram ask 
 ing the Portsmouth man to arrest the imposter if 
 it cost $200. 
 
 In this connection it may be well to state:
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 33 
 
 1. The Lime-Kiln Club employs no traveling 
 agent. 
 
 2. It offers no chromos. 
 
 8. None of its members are allowed to attach their 
 names to medical inventions. 
 
 4. It favors no scheme to build observatories in 
 Liberia, or orphan asylums in the Sandwich Islands. 
 
 5. It publishes no dime novels, sends out no hair 
 dyes and has no Presidential candidate for 1884. 
 
 UNPLEDGED AND UNCERTAIN. 
 
 The secretary announced a letter from the State 
 Department of New Jersey, inquiring if Brother 
 Gardner favored the annexation of Canada to the 
 United States, and the old man carefully felt of his 
 left ear and replied: 
 
 Dat s a subjeck which has troubled me a great 
 deal, an up to de present time I am onsartin and 
 unpledged. De same toof-brush which am sold for 
 twenty cents on dis side, kin be bought fur fifteen 
 ober dar. If we annex Canada, we kin hab cheap 
 tooth brushes. On de odder han , de same rat-trap 
 dat we sell fur twenty-five cents on dis side, can t 
 be had ober dar fur less dan thirty. If Canada an 
 nexes us she am suah of cheap rat-traps. Dar it 
 am, you see, an whether we should annex Canada 
 or Canada annex us am a queshuii which I cannot 
 decide to my own satisfaxun." 
 
 THE MUSEUM. 
 
 The keeper, of the bear-traps and director of the 
 museum reported that he had received during the 
 week:
 
 34 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 1. A bust of Andrew Jackson with both ears 
 missing. 
 
 2. Plans of a smoke-house, drawn by old Cato. 
 
 3. An ink-bottle supposed to have been used by 
 Mary, Queen of Scots. 
 
 4. A paper collar inscribed: " From Diogenes, to 
 his dear friend Smith." 
 
 The secretary was requested to return thanks to 
 the various donors, and amidst sweetest harmony 
 the triangle sounded and the procession moved. 
 
 ON DE WAIT. 
 
 "Patriots of de nineteenth century," began the 
 President, as Waydown Bebee finished breaking out 
 a pane of glass with his elbow, " It hez pained me 
 to obsarve on various occashions dat de cull d popu- 
 lashun of dis kentry am on de wait. Dey am given 
 to sittin down in de house or on de fence an waitin 
 fur de good time comin . I war ober to see ole man 
 Penny las night. He ar on de wait. He s bin 
 waitin fur de las fifty y ars, an de good time hain t 
 got long yit. I foun him wid the raggest sort o* 
 cloze 011 ye eber seed, pockets empty, wood gone an 
 flour out, an de way he looked up at me as I walked 
 in was nuff to bring on a chill. All de odder folks 
 roun him had work an plenty to eat, but de ole man 
 was waitin fur somebody to come long an take him 
 out to hunt a job in a keeridge, an pay him fo dollars 
 a day. He ain t de only man round heah who am 
 waitin , stead o gwine out an lookin fur work; I 
 tell you dis big world doan car a copper wedder 
 such men starve to death or not. Pe world owes
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 35 
 
 nobody rmffin. De man spects to git long an hev 
 sunthin to eat an a place to live hez got to bounce 
 aroun an let de world understan dat he s on de git! 
 If any well man, no matter what de culler, walks 
 dis town wid an empty stomach, it am his own fault, 
 an I hain t gwine to fill it fur him. Now let de pur- 
 ceedings purceed." 
 
 STBIKIN DE AVERAGE. 
 
 "What I was gwine to remark," said Brother 
 Gardner, as the back end of Paradise Hall grew 
 quiet, "was to say to you dat the pussoii who ex 
 pects to in joy dis life mus make up his mind to 
 strike de world on de gineral average. He who 
 neglects to do so will meet wid daily sorrows and 
 dispintments. 
 
 "Doan expect dat de man who happens to agree 
 wid you on the weather am sartiii to agree wid you 
 on politicks. It doan foller dat de man who agrees 
 wid you on politicks "will feel bound to accept your 
 kind of religion. De fack dat you lend a naybur 
 your shovel doan bind him to lend you his wheel- 
 barrer. He who looks for honesty whar he finds 
 gray ha rs will be as sadly disappointed as he who 
 argues dat an old coat am de sign of a thief or a 
 beggar. Put faith in human natur an yet be eber 
 ready to doubt. 
 
 "I expect to meet about so many mean men in 
 de course of a y ar. 
 
 "I expect de summer will be hot an de winter 
 Cold,
 
 36 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " I expect to have chilblains in December, an 
 shakes of de ager in April. 
 
 " I expect dat a sartin per cent, of dis world s 
 populashun will lie to me, steal my cabbages, frow 
 stones at my dog, and hit me wid a brickbat as I go 
 home from de lodge. 
 
 " On de odder hand, when I come to strike de aver 
 age, I kin put my hand on men who will lend me 
 money, go on my bond, speak well of me, an sot up 
 all night to protec me. 
 
 " No man am perfec . He may strike you at first 
 sight as werry good or werry bad, but doan decide 
 until you average him. He may beat a street kyar 
 company, an yit be honest wid a butcher. He may 
 crawl under de canvas to see a circus, an yit pay 
 his pew rent in advance. He may lie to you as to 
 how he woted, an yit tell de truf about a spavined 
 hoss. He may cuss on de street, an yit be a tender 
 father at home. He may incourage a dog-fight, an 
 yit walk a mile to restore a los chile to its parents. 
 
 "Accept no man fur his fine talk reject no man 
 for his old clothes; stand him out in de sunlight an 
 average him. You will be certain to fin sunthin 
 bad about him, but you will also be sartin to fin 
 sunthin good. 
 
 CAN T SEE WHY. 
 
 A communication from Winchester, Tenn., stated 
 that sixty-three colored residents of that town had 
 been converted and baptized within the last three 
 months, and yet poultry continued to disappear with 
 the same regularity and dispatch as before the re 
 vival began,
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 3? 
 
 " I doan see nuffin strange boutdat case,"replied 
 Brother Gardner as he scanned the letter. " Gittin 
 religun an being baptized doan ginerally affect de 
 appetite. If a pusson has a taste fur chickens, its 
 gwine to take an awful shakin up to make him pre 
 fer salt pork or corned-beef." 
 
 AGRICULTURAL. 
 
 The committee on agricultural reported: 
 
 1. That the spring tramp had come forth and was 
 in condition to make a summer tour of 1,000 miles. 
 
 2. Farmers are recommended to plant a larger 
 area of melons, and to locate the patch at least half 
 a mile from the house. 
 
 3. Seed corn which has been kept in Saratoga 
 trunks behind the cook stove all winter has escaped 
 the frost and promises well. 
 
 4. Any farmer who hangs a bell on a harvest ap 
 ple tree, or sets a bear trap around his smoke-house, 
 or places a spring gun to guard his hen-roost is a si 
 lent enemy of American liberty. 
 
 RESOLVED. 
 
 Prof. Tranquility Hanover then offered the follow 
 ing resolution: 
 
 " Resolved, Dat in case a circus comes long, an a member of de 
 Lime-Kiln Club*in good standin can t raise de necessary wealth to 
 buy a ticket, it am not derogotary to his character to crawl under 
 de canvas." 
 
 Giveadam Jones objected to the resolution. He 
 always began saving up right away after New 
 Years, and by the middle of May he could lay his 
 hand on a half dollar to go to the stupendous combi 
 nation of world-renowned celebrities.
 
 38 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Pickles Smith hoped that no such resolution would 
 pass. He had crawled under -the canvas without 
 heing seen, and he had crawled under and had his 
 neck broken with a tent-pin, and in both cases he 
 had a feeling that he had derogatoried his character. 
 The best way was to carry water to the elephant 
 and get a free ticket. 
 
 Several others spoke in the same vein, and upon a 
 vote being taken, 128 voted against and only three 
 for. 
 
 THE JANITOR. 
 
 This individual submitted a bill for extras amount 
 ing to sixty-four cents, and attempted to make a 
 speech defending the Peruvian policy, but his bill 
 was cut down to seventeen cents, his speech sat 
 down on, and he fell over three dogs on his way out. 
 
 THE MUSEUM. 
 
 The Keeper of the Sacred Relics reported that he 
 had received from Dalton, Ga., a pair of cow-hide 
 boots left in the neighborhood by De Soto when he 
 was looking for the Mississippi river. Also, from 
 Chattanooga, a relic of the Aztecs in the shape of a 
 pipe. He recommended a new lock for the door, 
 asked to be reimbursed for a bottle of ink he had 
 purchased with private funds, and was given leave 
 of absence for three days to bury his uncle. 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 There being no other business which would sour 
 before the next meeting, Pickles Smith was given 
 leave to take home the ice left in the water pail, and 
 the meeting adjourned, with a sweet smile illumi 
 nating every countenance.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 39 
 
 THEIR DANDER RIZ. 
 
 A COMMUNICATION from M. B. Smith, of Cincinnati, 
 conveyed the intelligence that he was a member of 
 the Bar of Ohio, in good standing, and that he 
 would be glad to do the legal business of the club by 
 the year for a reasonable compensation. His rates 
 for defending members of the club were given as 
 follows : 
 
 For defending a murderer, $25; a burglar, $20; an 
 incendiary, $18; a bigamist, $15; a horse-thief, $15; 
 an embezzler, $12. For defending four common 
 thieves in a heap, and proving an alibi in each case, 
 $50; half in advance and the remainder in thirty 
 days. 
 
 The reading of the letter was not interrupted by 
 even a cough, but bushels and bushels of short hair 
 could be seen trying to stand up straight in indig 
 nation. Brother Gardner had a dangerous roll to 
 his eye as he got up and began: 
 
 " Misser Secretary, you write to dat man wid de 
 biggest kin of a pen, an in de plainest language, 
 dat if he ever strikes dis town he d better keep cl ar 
 of Paradise Hall." 
 
 REPORTS. 
 
 The Committee on the Fisheries reported that lit 
 tle or nothing had yet been done towards introduc 
 ing whales and sharks into inland waters, and that 
 their communications to Secretary Evarts in regard 
 to this matter had met with no answers. They 
 were perfectly satisfied that both whales and sharks 
 would thrive and do well in Erie and other lakes, 
 and that their introduction would greatly enhance 
 the fun of taking a dive off a lumber pile or going
 
 40 THE LIME-KILN 
 
 out for a sail in an old boat. The Secretary was in 
 structed to write Mr. Evarts to the effect that he 
 was only a servant of the public, and that Mr. 
 Hayes would not be the next president. 
 
 NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 This committee was instructed last fall to investi 
 gate and report on the statement that native game 
 and fowl were gradually dying out. They reported 
 at this meeting that only part of the statement had 
 any foundation. They had found quite a scarcity of 
 elegible wild cats, deer and bear, but other game 
 was on the increase. They estimated the following 
 increase in round numbers of the animals named in 
 one year: 
 
 Rabbits, - - 24,000,000 
 
 Woodchucks, - 6,000,000 
 
 Possums, - 3,000,000 
 
 Chipmonks, - 75,000,000 
 
 As to fowls, the increase in hens alone is estima 
 ted by the committee to be at least 55,000,000 per 
 year, not counting the spring chickens which mys 
 teriously disappear every dark night in the fall. 
 Great pains have been taken to verify those figures, 
 and the commissioners of agriculture, stock-brokers 
 and candidates for the Presidency can depend upon 
 them in making up their semi-yearly reports. 
 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 The committee on the internal resources of the 
 country reported that they had been unable to 
 secure any reliable statistics as to what crops flour-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 41 
 
 ished best on side-hills. Some writers had seemed 
 to favor buckwheat, aud others had partly declared 
 for long-necked squashes, and the committee had 
 about concluded to settle on onions. 
 
 "Onions!" added the chairman, kinder fill in 
 whar odder crops hez got to spread out. De onion 
 am all solid. You doan have to loose anyfing in de 
 peelin. Ye kin bile, fry, roast or bake it, an de 
 sensashun am right dar all de time. De onion had 
 radder grow wid de top up, but am perfectly willin 
 to go long any odder fashion. De rain doan hurt 
 it, de sun doan affeck it, an de frosts can t kill it. 
 Darfore, dis committee am inclined to go heavy on 
 de onion, an let de tulip an rose take car of dem- 
 selves. 
 
 POLITICAL. 
 
 Brother Gardner said he had a remark or two to 
 say in regard to the coming election, and he said: 
 
 " Go to the polls airly; git right away from dar 
 jist as soon as you hev put in your wote. 
 
 " Doan wote but once, kase de second wote won t 
 count fur unffin . 
 
 " Doan stan aroun de polls talkin bout de hard 
 winter or de late spring, kase lection hezn t nuffin 
 tc do wid de weather. 
 
 "Doan blow aroun bout de candydates. Let de 
 candydates do dar own blowin . 
 
 "Doan mix up in enny fouts, kase fonts am none 
 o yer bizness, an folkes may git dar ribs broken. 
 
 " Doan try to make eny body believe dat de salva- 
 shun of dis kentry depends on de success of your 
 ticket, fur it don t. Dis kentry would go right along
 
 42 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 to glory if dar wasn t a ticket put up from now till 
 Halifax. 
 
 " Dat s all. Let de meetin be abided fur one 
 week." 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 Some fifteen or sixteen petitions were received 
 during the week, but the bundle was accidentally 
 knocked off the secretary s table, and probably 
 burned up by the janitor when he built the fire. 
 The janitor offered to make affidavit that his kind 
 lings consisted of two old ink-bottles and a railroad 
 map of Texas; but he is a man who often labors 
 under fits of absent-mindedness. 
 
 NOT ANY FOR THEM. 
 
 When the bean-box had been laid away, Way- 
 down Bebee secured the floor and said that the time 
 was not far away when all men annually decided to 
 "swear off " from all bad habits, take a vow to save 
 money, and keep a diary for the next year. He 
 would like to know if the club had thought of tak 
 ing up any action as a club. 
 
 James K. Polk thereupon introduced the following: 
 
 Resolved, That this Lime-Kiln Club does not sw ar -off from 
 anything, nor save an extra cent, nor keep no diary, an dat de 
 fust member who resolves to be any gooder in 1880 dan he was in 
 1879, be fined fifty dollars, an de cost of a new wood box fur dis 
 hall. 
 
 " Question " was called, and the resolution was 
 adopted, and ordered spread on the minutes of the 
 meeting.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 43 
 
 THE SEASONS. 
 
 A communication from Harvard College requested 
 the President of the club to explain what caused the 
 four seasons of the year, and after some hesitation 
 Brother Gardner arose to reply. 
 
 " What we call de fo sezuns of de y ar am caused 
 by varus causes," he began. " De sun hez consid r- 
 able to do about it, an de moon helps along all she 
 kin. I doaii s pose dat sickness in de fam ly hez 
 anyfin to do wid de changes of sezun. I s pose 
 dey d come long bout de same anyhow. De sekre- 
 tary can answer to de effeck dat sickness hez nuffin 
 to do wid it, an dat de winter sezun am no doubt 
 caused by so much cold wedder comin down all of 
 a sudden." 
 
 GUESS NOT. 
 
 Axletree Jones said he arose to defend the Ameri 
 can nation from the aspersions of the Canadian 
 press. He had lately read in a Canadian paper that 
 this nation was living too fast, and that it must 
 soon become bankrupt. Such unwarranted attacks 
 on his native country thrilled him with indignation 
 clear down to his last bunion, and if the press of 
 this country would not resent them he would. 
 
 " Livin too fast!" As he repeated he drew him 
 self up. " I hez worn dis same paper collah free 
 weeks. Am dat livin too fast? Heah am a west 
 ober ten y ars ole by the almanax! Am dat dressin 
 to kill? Look at de red woolen patches on de knees 
 of dese black pants, an tole me if it looks as if this 
 nashun was death on sto cloze? Livin too fast! 
 Why de werry ideah am imposturous! Am taters 
 biled wid de hides on an pieced out wid bacon an
 
 44 THE LIME- KILN CLUB. 
 
 co n bread livin too fast? On behalf of de Ameri 
 can people I protest! On behalf of dis iiashun I 
 warn de Stait of Kennedy dat we can t be sassed 
 beyond a certain pint. When dat pint hez bin pass 
 ed dar will come a demand for gore an revenge." 
 
 The speech was received with great applause, and 
 Satisfaction Rice next took the floor and said: 
 
 " Civil war an its horrors am to be deplored an 
 shunned but if she mus come if we mus resort 
 to de force of arms to preserve our honor, den let 
 us resort! Let us gird on de armor of right, an 
 march forward wid brave hearts. He who sasses 
 dis nashun sasses de Lime-Kiln Club." 
 
 It was then resolved that this nation was not liv 
 ing too fast, and that Canada had best beware, and 
 the meeting adjourned. 
 
 THE HON. STANDOFF. 
 
 " GEM LEN, a curus anecdote happened at de cabin 
 of the Hon. Licurgus Standoff las nite," said Broth 
 er Gardner, as the janitor lighted a fresh lamp. 
 
 De brudder am not heah, owin to resuns to be 
 menshuned a little f urder on, an 1 de case am one to 
 which de attenshun of de club has bin called by 
 seberal white men, an an investigashun demanded. 
 De facks in de anecdote seem to unwind as follows: 
 De Hon. Standoff was about to retire fur de nite. 
 De ole woman had already sought de downy couch 
 of sweet repose; de chill n were dreamin of apple- 
 blossoms an angels, an de cat an dog had dropped 
 down behin de stove in blissful harmony. Dar was 
 a hot fiah in de stove. De Hon. Standoff lingered
 
 BROTHER GARDNER, PRESIDENT OF THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 45 
 
 beliin to injoy de refreshment, an he had just lean 
 ed ober to spit under de front doahs when sunthin 
 happened. De top of dat stove riz up. So did de 
 ole tea-kettle, a hot brick, an inoah or less fiah. 
 De Hon. Standoff also riz up, an got out doahs an 
 yelled murder ! at de top of his voice. It was a 
 riz up time aroun dat house, an folks say dat fam ly 
 was de wildest-lookin lot o niggers eber seen in 
 Detroit. Now, den, what caused dat sploshun? It 
 wasn t gas. It wasn t low water in de biler. White 
 men say dat it was caused by powder in a stick of 
 wood, an dat de wood didn t belong to de Hon. 
 Standoff, who now lies in bed wid blisters all ober 
 him. Was it powder? Was dat powder in a stick 
 of wood? Did de brudder incorporate dat wood 
 from some surroundin nay bur? Let de members 
 speak." 
 
 Samuel Shin was first to break the silence. Ris 
 ing to his feet with a blush of philosophy covering 
 his face, he said: 
 
 " Bekase dar was a sploshun in de stove, it doan 
 foller dat dar was powder in de wood. Spose one 
 of de chil en had dropped a bottle of hoss-medicine 
 in de fiah befo goin to bed. I ve knowed dat wery 
 thing to happen in my own house, an whar s de 
 man who says I stole wood ? " 
 
 " If I war to be axed for my opinion on dis sub 
 ject," remarked Waydown Beebe, as he took the 
 floor, " I should say dat dar mought have bin pow 
 der in de wood. What of it? If de Hon. Standoff 
 had a mind to, couldn t he put powder in his own 
 wood? Dar s no law to prewent him, De white 
 folks ain t de only folks who kin put on style an 
 plug deir stove-wood wid powder,"
 
 46 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "I fink I see how all dis hapened," said Blackber 
 ry Williams, as Bebee sat down. "Fur instance. 
 De Hon. Standoff owns wood. He sees. dat -woodpile 
 growin smaller meltiti away like he had six 
 stoves goin stead o one. He plugs a stick wid 
 powder. He furgits which is de stick. It finds its 
 way into his own stove, an where am dat stove to 
 day ? " 
 
 None of the other members seemed inclined to 
 tackle the subject, and Brother Gardener said: 
 
 " De Hon. Standoff am hereby acquitted of de 
 charge of takin fiahwood belongin to somebody 
 else, but de Cha r feels it his dooty to warn de brud- 
 der to be a little more keerful in de future." 
 
 THE HON. SOLO BOMBY. 
 
 THE above-named gentleman, who was on a short 
 trip from his home in Arkansas, to try the effect of 
 the northern climate on a stiff knee, having appeared 
 at Paradise Hall, was invited to lecture; and, after 
 being escorted to the platform, he placed his hand 
 on his breast and began: 
 
 My fren s, I did not arrove heah to-night to 
 make a speech. I simply wanted to gaze on your 
 hall, congratulate ebery member, an go home wid 
 Brudder Gardner to save hotel bill. [Cheers.] I 
 should have jined dis club fo y ars ago, only dat I 
 was led to believe dat a man wid a glass eye would 
 not be taken in. I hev diskivered my error to-night, 
 and my application hes been filed. [Cheers.] 
 
 " I am astonished wid the Norf. I neber saw so 
 ranch land to de acre in all my life. White folks seem
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 47 
 
 to hev plenty of money, an ebery cull d f am ly owns 
 from one to six dogs. I am also highly surprised 
 an greatly delighted at de progress which you uns 
 hev made in intelligence an eddecashun. Yester 
 day I asked a cull d boy not ober ten y ars old who 
 diskivered America, an he answered Abram Lin- 
 kum quicker n a wink. [Applause.] Cull d men 
 know when de train goes out jist as well as white 
 folks. Dey keep track o eclipses, comets, freshets, 
 an odder excitin news, an dey om a long ways 
 ahead of de Souf on dictionary words. [Cheers.] 
 
 I m glad to see all dis. No thought of jealousy 
 rankles in my breast. On de contrary. May de 
 emblem continer her indivisibility until the unre 
 warded requisition contests de apparent reliability 
 of do gondolier. In fact, let me say wid Jefferson: 
 Ignis fatuus hos de combat, faux pas ex abrupto est 
 modus in rebus, and don t you forget it !" 
 
 For a minute the hall was as silent as a grave 
 yard. Then Samuel Shin rose up and whooped, and 
 cheer upon cheer rolled up and down and could not 
 be suppressed until someone outside threw a turnip 
 through the window and missed the Rev. Penstock s 
 liead by the millionth part of an inch, 
 
 A PAINFUL REPORT. 
 
 CANESTOGA JOHNSON, of the Committee on Hered 
 itary Privileges, arose with business in his eyes and 
 announced that he was ready with his monthly re 
 port. Two weeks since his committee had been in 
 formed of a dastardly attempt to wrest one of the 
 most cherished hereditary privileges from the hands
 
 48 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 of tlie colored race, and lie had sent to Memphis to 
 secure all particulars. He was now ready to report 
 that a white man in that city had invented and 
 brought out a machine kno wn as " The Dead Give- 
 Away." It was an explosive torpedo made up to 
 resemble a spring chicken, and its position on the 
 roost at night was so natural that a person who had 
 eaten 10,000 hens would be deceived. It had been 
 brought out on the quiet, and before the colored 
 population of Memphis knew what was up the place 
 was full of shattered constitutions. Large orders 
 had poured in on the inventor, and one firm in De 
 troit had telegraphed for 3,000. In six months every 
 hen-roost in America would have its torpedo 
 chicken, and the 6,500,000 colored people might as 
 well prepare for a change of diet, unless something 
 could be done. He would urge prompt and speedy 
 action. Every day of delay put fifty additional 
 torpedo chickens on the market. 
 
 " I hab neber said dat de culPd people war eben 
 de wictims of suspishun when a hen-roost was rob 
 bed," replied the President; "but yet it seems to rne 
 dat dis torpedo bizness orter be squelched. Dey 
 may accidentally go off an kill all de hens; dey 
 may blow up leetle chill en who go out arter eggs; 
 dey may splode while we am whitewashin de 
 fence; dey may git mixed in wid de poultry at de 
 markets, an be de means of seperatin fond hus 
 bands an lovin wives. De Committee on Emergen 
 cies will darfor meet wid de Committee on Her 
 editary Privileges to take such axshun as am deem 
 ed best."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 49 
 
 IT MUST BE CRUSHED. 
 
 THE person or persons who, sometime during Fri 
 day night, climed upon the roof of Paradise Hall 
 and tilled the chimney with old hats, straw, boots, 
 etc., are hereby warned that it was the practice of 
 such deviltry as this that brought Capt. Kidd to the 
 gallows. When the janitor started the fire the hall 
 soon filled with smoke, and the opening of the meet 
 ing was delayed twenty minutes by the joke. 
 
 The roll had scarcely been called when Pickles 
 Smith offered the following: 
 
 "fa-solved, Dat we do hereby express our deep indignashun at 
 dis exhibishun of human depravity; and 
 
 "Jtesolvcd, Dat we ax ourselves wid alarm whar dis infringe 
 ment of de rights of freemen will end; and 
 
 "Itetolved, Dat we denounce de perpetrators of dis appallin 
 outrage as outlaws, imbeciles and orators of the deepest dye." 
 
 The resolutions were adopted and filed, and 
 Brother Gardner quietly observed that this fresh 
 outrage was another evidence to him of the drift of 
 the times toward barbarism. If the chimney on 
 Paradise Hall could be choked up with old hats, 
 what was to prevent the City Hall from being 
 blown up by the same gang? It was a spirit which 
 must be suppressed and crushed at any cost, and he 
 would authorize the Secretary to offer a reward of 
 $500 to any person who would capture, convict and 
 send the perpetrators of this fiendish crime to State 
 Prison for fifty years. 
 
 CANCELLED. 
 
 The President announced that he had cancelled 
 the following certificates of membership for reasons 
 given;
 
 50 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 No. 3084, being the certificate of the Hon. Gona- 
 wanda Hooker, of North Carolina. Evidence was 
 furnished the President that Hooker had three 
 wives and yet ran away with the fourth. 
 
 No. 5,1G3, being the certificate of Col. Hunter, of 
 Wisconsin. Evidence was furnished to prove that 
 he was the biggest colored liar in that State. 
 
 No. 0,062, being the certificate of Elder Rackabout, 
 of Kentucky. The Elder was convicted of stealing 
 two bags of flaxseed, giving up a mule to settle the 
 case, and then hiring a man to steal the mule. 
 
 AGRICULTURAL. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture, to whom had been 
 intrusted the query from Indiana: "Are we ad 
 vancing in agriculture ? " reported that they had 
 spent seven weeks in investigating the matter, and 
 were quite ready to answer in the affirmative. 
 Among other instances of progress in agriculture 
 might be mentioned that of hoeing corn. A dozen 
 years ago the plan was to lean the hoe against a 
 stump in the_field and go off fishing. It is now done 
 by giving a chattel mortgage on three steers and 
 hiring a neighbor to do the work. Ten years ago 
 turnips were heaped up in the barn or cellar and 
 supposed to be fit food for only cows and calves. 
 To-day they are carefully wrapped in tissue paper, 
 laid in bureau drawers, and are considered a fit diet 
 for even a Senator. When wiped off with a dish 
 cloth, and scraped with a butcher knife, they fur 
 nish a very bracing and enervating diet. Progress 
 had been made in plowing, dragging, reaping, and, 
 many other particulars, and the committee felt safe 
 in saying that the time was no$ far distant wheri
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 51 
 
 farmer could sit in an arm chair in a lager beer 
 saloon and raise sixty bushels of wheat to the acre. 
 
 WHERE DUTY ENDS. 
 
 "I am in receipt of a query from Pittsburgh," 
 said the President as he displayed a letter, "axin 
 me wliar our dooty to our naybur begins an ends 
 up. To be nayburly wid a naybur am one of de 
 highest and greatest principles on airth. Our dooty 
 begins when we let his chickens scratch up our gar 
 den, his chiU en ride our gate, an his dog chase our 
 cat widout complaint. Our dooty ends when we 
 have lent him our hoe, shovel, spade, ice-tongs, ax, 
 sugar, tea, coffee, milk an butter, and he has for 
 gotten dat he owes us anythin beyan a request dat 
 we will come ober an turn grindstun fur him to 
 sharpen a crow-bar." 
 
 INTERNAL HARMONY. 
 
 Giveadam Jones, Chairman of the Committee on 
 Internal Haraijony, reported a sad state of affairs 
 existing between Pickles Smith and Kyan Jones, 
 starting originally with a dispute over the ownership 
 of twelve feet of clothes line. The members had 
 not only used violent language towards each other, 
 in the presence of a grocer who sells two boxes of 
 sardines for a quarter, but had clinched and rolled 
 in the mud, and solemnly vowed each other s de 
 struction. The two members being called to the 
 desk, it was discovered that the piece of rope be 
 longed to neither, and Brother Gardener said: 
 
 " Gem len, I doan ax yer to fall on each odder s 
 neck an shed tears, but I want you to understan 
 dat if dis gulf ain t bridged ober befo de nex meet-
 
 52 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 in you will h ar sumthin drap. As de case stands, 
 you am bof fined $5, which money de Treasurer will 
 place to de credit of de fund to purchase silk stock 
 ings fur de widows of deceased cull rd poets." 
 
 The two members retired to the ante-room for a 
 short time and returned" to report that all was joy 
 and harmony. A motion was then made to remit 
 the fine, which was carried, and the reunited pair 
 returned to their seats and lovingly chewed on the 
 same bologna. 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 All the public business having been disposed of 
 the Keeper of the Bear-Trap reported everything 
 clear in the West, with a tendency to skip dividends 
 on railroad stock, and the meeting broke up with the 
 Glee Club sweetly singing the plaintive melody of 
 "Old John Brown." 
 
 ALL A SHAM. 
 
 " FELLER Kentrymen," said the old man, as he laid 
 down his stick of licorice and stood up, " I war ober 
 to de widder Smith s the odder eavnin to see if she 
 could lend my ole woman her wash-board de nex 
 day, an de widder she spoke up an said: Misser 
 Gardner, dis world am. all a sham. I war in de 
 co ner grocery de nex day, an de grocer he hove a 
 sigh as big as my fist as he leaned ober de counter 
 an said: Misser Gardner, dis world am all a sham. 
 I was blackin a stove fur de doctah down on de 
 co ner below dat same day, an when I got frew wid 
 de job ho drapped a quarter inter my hand an soft-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 53 
 
 ly whispered : Brudder Gardner, dis world am all a 
 sham. Now, gem len, all dat talk am cl ar hosh. 
 De world am all right. Who says de hoss am a 
 sham? Who says dat de cow an mule an dog an 
 de cat am shams? De man who falls down finds 
 solid bizness. De man who buys codfish doan get 
 mutton chops. When I ax fur kaliker dey doan 
 gin me silk. Once in a while we may f row a boot 
 jack at a cat an hit nuffin but an ash barrel, but de 
 world in gineral am plenty good nuff fur de kind of 
 people who put in deir time heah. De man who 
 scratches his back agin de City Hall will tell you dat 
 de world am all a sham. De chap who s wife sup 
 ports him by washin an sewin feels dat de world 
 am sham all ober. De noodle-head who sots out to 
 captur de public wid a little cane an a good deal of 
 brass is no sooner stepped on dan he cries out sham! 
 till ye can t rest. I doan wont to hear dat spreshun 
 aroun heah, kase it won t go down wid men who 
 work ten hours a day an pay deir honest debts." 
 
 WHISTLED FUR HIS DOG. 
 
 IN opening the meeting, Brother Gardner stated 
 that he would be unable to do much talking, owing 
 to the condition of his throat. Three or four days 
 ago he was advised to hold a brass overcoat button 
 in his mouth to cure the earache. In whistling for 
 his dog, he swallowed the button, and it will be 
 some time before his throat gets over the strain.
 
 54 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 MERE FORMALITY. 
 
 The Committee on Navigation, having been in 
 structed to report why the term "Honorable" was 
 used in connection with the Common Councils of 
 cities, explained as follows: 
 
 "As nigh as dis committee could 1 arn, de use of 
 dat word am descended from de English, an it am 
 used in mere formality. No Common Council am 
 honorable, an no one expects anything honorable 
 from sich bodies. We believe de word should be 
 stricken out of all petishuns an communicashuns. 
 De time has gone by in dis kentry when you kin 
 blind a man wid a sheet o white paper." 
 
 The report was accepted and adopted, and the 
 Secretary was instructed to erase the word "honor 
 able " from his next official communication to any 
 Common Council. 
 
 NOTHING SPECIAL NEEDED. 
 
 The Secretary further announced a letter from 
 Indianapolis, in which the writer asked what special 
 qualifications were necessary in this State to fit a 
 man for the office of Justice of the Peace. 
 
 " So far as I have obsarved," replied Brother 
 Gardner, "nuffin speshul am needed. No justice 
 am required to know anyfin of law. He need have 
 no character fur sobriety or honesty. He am spec- 
 ted to decide ebery case in de favor of de plaintiff, 
 an he will do so ebery time onless afraid dat de 
 defendant will appeal. De posishim of justice of de 
 peace am one which any one kin fill, an which few 
 decent men hanker arter."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 65 
 
 THEY WILL OBSERVE. 
 
 Giveadam Jones offered the following preamble 
 and resolution: 
 
 " Wh aras, George Washington was de Father of his kentry, 
 an could not tell a lie; an 
 
 " Wh aras, De anniversary of his birth should be observed by 
 all good an patriotic citizens, wedder dey kin tell a lie or not; 
 now, darefore, 
 
 " Resolved,T)a,t de Lime-Kiln Club sot apart de 22d as a day of 
 feastin an rejoicin , an gwiue to a dance in deevemnV 
 
 The Rev. Penstock moved to strike out the words, 
 " Gwine to a dance in de evenin , and substituting 
 the words, "Take our way to prayer-meetin in 
 de twilight." But he was voted down with a press 
 ure of 200 pounds to the square inch, and the resolu 
 tion was adopted in its original form. 
 
 ASTRONOMICAL. 
 
 The Committee on Astronomy submitted their reg 
 ular monthly report as follows: 
 
 Number of dark nights since last report, twenty- 
 two. 
 
 Number of comets discovered, three; but too far 
 off to cause any run on the bank. 
 
 Lime-Kiln Club estimate of the distance to the 
 sun, about five miles; to the moon, about the same. 
 
 The committee further announced that they had 
 changed the name of Venus to " Sarah," of Jupiter 
 to "Charles Henry," of Mars to "Andrew Jack 
 son," and of Saturn to " Sam Johnson." Astrono 
 mers throughout the country will please take notice 
 and govern themselves accordingly. Further
 
 56 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 changes will be made as spring opens and the roads 
 improve. 
 
 THEY WERE CONSIDERING. 
 
 Waydown Bebee announced that he had received 
 a letter from Si Doodlebat, of Pittsburgh, complain 
 ing that his application for membership had been 
 neglected. Brother Gardner called upon the Com 
 mittee of Petitions to explain, and the chairman 
 said that he had been investigating the character of 
 the applicant. He had written to the Mayor of 
 Pittsburgh regarding the petitioner, and the infor 
 mation might be summed up as follows: 
 
 1. He wears two watch chains. 
 
 2. He carries a cane, wears an ulster, and is fol 
 lowed by a four-ounce dog wearing a red blanket. 
 
 3. He goes to the postoffice three times per day 
 and loudly inquires for letters but never gets any. 
 
 4. On several occasions he has tried to pass him 
 self off as a member of the Legislature. 
 
 The committee having discovered that he was this 
 sort of a man, were waiting for further evidence, 
 and the President indorsed their action and told 
 them to go slow. 
 
 EATH S GRIP. 
 
 THERE was sadness in every eye as the members 
 of the club softly filed in and took their seats. Each 
 one had seen the crape on the Hall door, and each 
 one had been told that death had again entered 
 Paradise Hall. The officers moved about very qui 
 etly on the platform and held whispered consulta 
 tions, and the voice of the triangle when it called to
 
 THE LIM1U-K1LS* CLUB. 6? 
 
 
 
 order echoed and re-echoed like the notes of a sad 
 refrain. 
 
 "Gem len," began the President, as he rose up 
 and looked down the Hall at the vacant seat bedeck 
 ed with crape, "anoder soldier hez gone down while 
 fightin de battle of life anoder member of our club 
 hez listened to de woice of de bell rung on de f urder 
 shore of time to guide de speerits of de dead across 
 de dark an rapid riber dat flows tween life an eter 
 nity. It am my painful dooty to inform you dat 
 Brudder Torpedo Hunt am no moah on dis earth. 
 He passed away las night arter an illness of only 
 free days. A week ago he sot in dat cheer dar an 
 seconded de moshun. To-day he am ready fur de 
 grave ! " 
 
 There was a sensation in the hall. Elder Toots 
 covered as much of his face with his hands as he 
 could, and Pickles Smith, Trustee Pullback and 
 Rosin Johnson looked out of the window to hide 
 their agitation. 
 
 "Torpedo was our brudder, an an airnest worker 
 in de cause," continued the President, " but if I stan 
 heah to yulogize him, I mus not furgit dat he liad 
 his faults. If de truf can t hurt de livin , it can t 
 harm de dead. Torpedo was a great han to git up 
 airly in de mornin , an to work hard all day, but 
 his chill en went bar foot all winter jist de same. 
 He was kind to his wife an felt bad fur de poo , but 
 he neber played yuker widout hevin two extra bow 
 ers up his sleeve. He didn t git drunk, but no rail 
 fence had any bizness widin a mile of his cabin in de 
 winter. He didn t ingaige in rows an riots, but his 
 enemies got hit wid brick-bats all de same. We saw 
 him at church on Sunday, settin a good zample fur
 
 58 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 d(3 young, but he d turn in nex day an try to win 
 de big prize in a lottery. It was about half-an -half 
 wid him. When we say dat of any man we hev hit 
 him pretty clus. When we hev given de dead all de 
 praise dey sought to gain when livin , no man s 
 _mem ry kin ask fur more. Torpedo was up to de 
 aiverage, an he am dead. What ackshun will de 
 club take?" 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole moved a committee of four to 
 prepare resolutions of respect to be presented to the 
 widow, and such a committee was appointed. 
 
 Way down Bebee moved that the Club take charge 
 of the funeral, and march in procession to the grave, 
 and the same was adopted. 
 
 The Hon. Juneberry Killfish said that he was with 
 the deceased in his last hours, and that Brother Tor 
 pedo asked for and ate nearly a pound of beefsteak 
 half an hour before he died, and that he seemed 
 worried for fear that his dog would be misused after 
 he was gone. 
 
 Several other speeches bearing on the character of 
 the deceased were delivered, and it was then resolv 
 ed that out of respect for his memory the regular 
 business of the Club be postponed for one meeting. 
 This made room for further speeches, and Col. 
 Damson Brown took the floor and said that life was 
 short and uncertain, and it behooved every man to 
 have his house in order. He wanted to make a con 
 fession and clear his conscience. Six years ago he 
 poisoned a dog belonging to Esquire Smith, of Hast 
 ings street, a neighbor of his. Both were now mem 
 bers of the Club, and in the presence of all he would 
 confess, ask forgiveness, and pay what the canine 
 was worth.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 59 
 
 There was a great clapping of hands as he sat 
 down. Then Esquire Smith arose, his face wreath 
 ed in smiles, and he replied that he distinctly re 
 membered the dog case, but that the Colonel didn t 
 owe him anything. The dog hadn t been dead six 
 hours when he killed and ate the Colonel s goat and 
 stole half a cord of his wood, and he thought the 
 thing was about even. 
 
 Major Spoon-holder wiped his eyes on a red napkin 
 which he had picked up somewhere and remarked 
 that all had to die. If any colored man thought he 
 could escape the king of terrors by moving to Can 
 ada or Oberlin, he was greatly mistaken. He would 
 move that the Club sing a hymn. 
 
 A DOLLAR BILL. 
 
 The Club didn t sing one all the same, and Samuel 
 Shin got on his feet. He felt contrite and broken 
 up, and he also had something to confess. About 
 three months ago he found a dollar bill in the Hall. 
 He knew it must have been lost by some member, 
 and yet his selfishness and dishonesty whispered to 
 him to keep it. He did so, but now the owner of the 
 bill had only to reveal his identity and his money 
 should be restored and his forgiveness asked. 
 
 Brother Gardner crooked his finger for that "Wil 
 liam." Sir Isaac Walpole leaned forward and held 
 out his hands. Waydown Bebee and twenty-nine 
 others took the floor in chorus, and tried to say that 
 they would receive back their lost bill and grant a 
 free pardon. A rapid look over the hall and a count 
 of noses showed forty-seven men who had lost a 
 dollar and were ready to forgive Samuel Shin. He 
 was called forward by the President, who asked:
 
 60 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Did any of us gem len drop a dollar bill on dis 
 floo ?" 
 
 "We did !" called forty-seven voices together. 
 
 "I resign my claim," sighed Brother Gardner, as he 
 looked up and down and realized the situation. 
 
 "Was it a greenback dat you losted?" asked 
 Samuel. 
 
 Forty-seven voices wildly answered "yes ! " 
 
 " Dis was a Kennedy bill I foun , softly continued 
 Samuel, and amid an awful silence he returned to 
 his bench. 
 
 A committee of three was then appointed to draft 
 an inscription for the tombstone of the deceased, and 
 the meeting adjourned. 
 
 A FEW REFLEXUNS. 
 
 "DE odder night, in de Club library, I heard a 
 member of de Club grievin cause he wasn t a great 
 man," said the President, as the Hall grew quiet. 
 " It am nateral nuff dat we should all want to git 
 ahead. It am not onreasonable in any man to want 
 to be top of the heap. Preachers, poets, editors an 
 lecturers all incourage us to dig long an strive to 
 carve our names on de cupalow of de temple of fame. 
 An yit what a holler mockery fame am. Dar was 
 Shakspeare. He had de toof-ache same as a com 
 mon man. He had his blue days, same as de poor 
 est white. De rain pored down on him same as on 
 Samuel Shin he fell in de mud, same as Elder 
 Toots his grocer wanted cash, same as mine. Dar 
 was Byron de poet. His name am as high as de 
 steeples, an yet his corns ached, same as Waydown
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 61 
 
 Bebee s butcher-carts run him down, same as Trus 
 tee Fullback street kyar drivers rang de bell on 
 him, same as on Squar Williams. Dar was Queen 
 Lizabeth. She had a big palace, heaps o waiters 
 an lots o cloze, but she had big feet, got bald-head 
 ed, an couldn t see any more of Niagery Falls for 
 five dollars dan my ole woman did for two shilling. 
 Greatness may bring store cloze, but it doan allus 
 bring happiness. Fame may bring a house purvided 
 wid a burglar-alarm, but de higher de fame de high 
 er- de gas-bills. If greatness comes foolin around 
 you, cotch him by de coat tails, If he nebber comes, 
 be content widout him. A home wife an chilFen 
 plenty to eat pew-rent paid an a pig in de pen, 
 am good nuff fur any man, an he who seeks to 
 climb higher am jus as apt to bust his spender-but 
 tons as to git dar. Wid dese few inflexshuns on de 
 incontestancy of earthly greatness, we will now dis 
 band ourselves to bizness." 
 
 A DIVORCE. 
 
 Brother Gardner looked down upon the bald head 
 of Sir Isaac Walpole for a long minute, and then 
 began : 
 
 " Gem len, dey say dat ebery man s house am his 
 castle, an I m de las one to bring up a brudder s 
 domestic matters in dis Club; but de tears of a wife 
 an de hungry wails of de chill en am crowdin me 
 to say a few words at dis meetin . Lat night de 
 wife of Brudder Simcoe Davis knocked at my cabin 
 doah. I kicked out de dog, chased out de cat, frew 
 de boot-jack under de bed an my boots under de ta-
 
 62 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ble an toled her to come in. She wasweepin like a 
 green bay tree. My ole woman helped her to sot 
 down on de aige of de wood-box, an arter de fust 
 convulshuns of grief had passed away, de woman 
 tole us dat she an de chilPen hadn t a bite to eat in 
 two days, an de cook-stove was as cold as a crow 
 bar. Brudder Simcoe Davis was at home an in de 
 bes health, an while de chill ii were cryin fur 
 bread he was lyin on de floo , perusin de Life of 
 Kit Carson an stoppin to spell out all de big words. 
 I went ober dare an seed it wid my own eyes. I 
 doan say dat he has broken any of de laws an rules 
 of dis Club, but I do say dat a nigger who will lump 
 down on his back to read a novel when de fiah am 
 out an de cupboard empty, am not fit to sot heah 
 longside of hard-workin men." 
 
 "Hear! hear!" came from all parts of the Hall, 
 and in about two minutes Simcoe Davis was divorc 
 ed from the Club by a unanimous vote. 
 
 A VISITOR. 
 
 The Janitor having made known the fact that the 
 Hon. Robert Beeson, of Washington, had arrived at 
 the Hall from the depot, the Secretary was dispatch 
 ed to greet him and bring him in. Mr. Boeson is a 
 gentleman of fine education and liberal views, and 
 is now seeking to stir up his race on the subject of 
 discovering the East and West Poles, leaving the 
 North and South to be found by the white folks. In 
 his brief speech to the Club he stated his belief that 
 an open sea existed around the West Pole a sea 
 whose waters were as tranquil as a meadow, and 
 tasting like gin and sugar with nutmeg grated in. 
 The bark which entered this sea would pass over
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. . 63 
 
 beds of purest coral, be surrounded by mermaids, 
 move in an air of choice flowers, and be certain to 
 return laden with diamonds, rubies and pearls. Mr. 
 Beeson was soliciting aid to enable him to charter a 
 vessel and buy provisions, and it had been his idea 
 from the first to invite at least two members of the 
 Lime-Kiln Club to accompany the ship. He left a 
 subscription paper on the Secretary s desk, and in 
 less than an hour and a half the following amounts 
 were subscribed: 
 
 Samuel Shin, - 2c 
 
 Waydown Bebee, Ic 
 
 Elder Toots. - Ic 
 
 A FAILURE. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock gave notice that the efforts of 
 the Club to secure a law to abolish brush-boys in 
 barber shops had failed, through the treachery of 
 the State Senator who had the matter in charge. 
 This Senator had solemnly agreed to introduce such 
 a bill, but he had at the last hour basely turned 
 about and sent in a bill making it obligatory on 
 every barber shop in the country to employ at least 
 two brush-boys with a fixed fee of ten cents each. 
 The Club s bill for the better protection of the wood 
 peckers of Michigan had also failed to pass. 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 A letter from the Sixteenth Assistant Secretary of 
 State at Washington asked the co-operation of the 
 Club in preserving to future generations the historic 
 spots of Michigan. Brother Gardner was scratching 
 his head and re-reading the letter, when the Rev, 
 Penstock arose and said:
 
 G4 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Perhaps de worthy President of dis Club doan 
 zactly know what dem historic spots am. If so, 
 I ll " 
 
 "What!" interrupted the President; "I doan 
 know what historic spots am! Misser Penstock, do 
 you emagine dat I was brung up in de second story 
 of a cider mill, an dat no books or papers war prin 
 ted till arter you war bo n ? " 
 
 I simply fro wed it out as a suggestion," was the 
 humble reply, as the brother sat down. 
 
 "Doan frow out any moah digestions, Misser 
 Penstock! When de time arroves dat I can t pint 
 out all de historic spots in dis part of de kentry, I ll 
 resign my posishun in dis Club. De Secretary will 
 answer to de effeck dat de Club will help preserve 
 de spots. If any member of dis Club happens to run 
 across a new historic spot dat I doan know of, a 
 postal keerd will reach me at my house, or he kin 
 drive up in a coupay." 
 
 LAID ON THE TABLE. 
 
 The Secretary announced a petition from Mary 
 Jane Crawford, of Detroit, asking the Club to use its 
 influence to secure the right for women in this State 
 to cast a ballot. Opportunity was given for debate, 
 and it was discovered that Samuel Shin was the 
 only member present who favored the idea. The 
 petition was therefore laid on the table. 
 
 THE PENSION BILL. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to make out a list of 
 colored people in Detroit entitled to increase of pen 
 sion under the new law, and to include in it all ex-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 65 
 
 soldiers who sprained an ankle, fell off a fence, or 
 were afflicted with pains and aches at any time for 
 ten years previous to the war, and to be sure to 
 make special mention of the case of the widow who 
 claims to have lost three husbands in the battle of 
 City Point. 
 
 CUM DOWN. 
 
 " My dear friends, began the President, in a 
 voice damp with pathos, "I doan want ter keep 
 peggin away in dis yere Club bout finances all de 
 time, but de weekly colleckshuns am growiii mighty 
 lean of late. De sum total in de hat las week was 
 jist nuff to patch one o de holes in de roof, an it 
 wasn t a first-class patch eider. Of course we has 
 got a few hun erecl dollars in de bank, an of course 
 we am tidy nuff in heah, but de only way am to 
 keep fings goin . I doan say dat de man who puts 
 in de moas will hev de biggest crop o taters nex^. 
 fall, but I speck his onions an mellyuns will turn 
 out mighty fine. Now let de hat purceed." 
 
 The hat was passed. There were sixty-one mem 
 bers in the hall, and the collection counted up nine 
 teen cents, and it was certain that Sir Isaac Walpole 
 threw in a dime. 
 
 " Gemlen, if it takes fifty-nine men to frow nine 
 cents into a hat, how many minutes will it take me 
 to adjourn dis meetin ?" asked the President as he 
 looked down the Hall. 
 
 There was silence. 
 
 The soft tread of cats could be heard on the roof.
 
 66 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 The Elder Toots arose and said that there must be 
 some mistake. He meant to throw in a quarter at 
 least, and he thought many others did, but when 
 the hat passed him he was scratching his back and 
 wondering when the next run of sleighing would 
 come along. He hoped that the tile might come 
 around again. 
 
 It was sent, and the sum total amounted to over 
 nine dollars. 
 
 <; I tell you, de way to cum down am to cum 
 down," observed the President as he finished count 
 ing. " Shingle-nails an shirt-buttons may do for 
 de church hat, but dey doan pay fur our ker osene 
 an rent." 
 
 HAVING FUN. 
 
 " Seberal letters hab come to me doorin de pas 
 week, axin me to define my posishun on dis queshun 
 of amusements," said the old man as the lamps were 
 turned up. " Ebery once in awhile daram a yell fur 
 reform, an sartin men an women weep an wail ob- 
 er de gineral wickedness of de world. De church 
 pitches into de theatre, de prayer-meetin whacks 
 away at dancin , an de Sunday school teacher tells 
 de little boys dat de circus am nex doah to perdish- 
 un. It has bin my opinyun fur de* las fifty y ars 
 dat dis was a wicked world. It was created fur a 
 wicked world. De Lawd wanted it dat may, an he 
 made it to please Hisself. De Scriptur s states dat 
 wickedness shall abound in ebery co ner of de land; 
 dat men shall murder an rob, an women go astray; 
 flat chill en shall deny deir parents and bnidder turn
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 67 
 
 agin brudder. All such fings am predicted an to be 
 spected, an looked fur, an nobody has any grounds 
 to howl an weep. If dis war a good world we 
 should have no need of preachers, deacons an Sun 
 day school teachers. Preachers will tell you dat 
 man am imperfect, an dat de Lawd made him to go 
 astray, an yet dey will turn aroun an wonder dat 
 he am not goodness biled down. 
 
 " Deed, gem len, but de only better world dan dis 
 am Heben itself. You have got to hunt fur wick 
 edness to fin it. You have got to prejudge de case 
 if you can make wickedness out of de jokes of a cir 
 cus clown or de plot of de ordinary drama. If I had 
 to praise God by findin fault wid de world he made 
 an de people he put yere, I m afraid it would be 
 faint praise. De preacher who can t go to de thea- 
 .tre widout feelin wicked had better stay away. If 
 he wasn t on de hunt to find wickedness he wouldn t 
 see it any mo dan de rest of us. Me an de ole wo 
 man kin go out an dance Virginy Reel fur fo hours 
 an cum home wid cl ar consciences fur family 
 prayers. We kin sot down to keerds an not furgit 
 to be honest an charitable an forgivin . We kin 
 go to a circus an come home an fank God dat our 
 lives have bin spard anoder day, an dat we am still 
 left to cumfort de sick an forgive de errin . If 
 gwine to sich places makes a preacher feel dat Satan 
 has got a mortgage on him, den he d better stay 
 home. 
 
 " No man airnest in de good cause wants to fight 
 agin human natur . Man am a social bein . He 
 likes to be pleased an amoosed. Make a tombstone 
 of him, an he ll soon hate hisself. When I see a 
 man who claims to be too good to watch a circus
 
 68 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 purceshun pass long the street, I neber work fur 
 him wiclout de cash in advance. When I fin a man 
 who am down on amoosements, I doan work fur 
 him at all. A y are ago, when me an de ole woman 
 was joggin ober de circus, we met a man who said 
 we war gwine straight to Texas. He said he would 
 sooner see his son in his coffin dan in a circus, an 
 he scart de ole lady most to death. I kept track of 
 dat tombstone, an in less dan six months he left 
 town widout payin his gas bill, water tax, butcher 
 or grocer, an he am 110 ception in his class. Look 
 out fur solum-faced men. Bewar of de men who 
 weep ober de wickedness of a world made so by de 
 Lawd fur reasons of his own. Have no truck wid 
 men who neber laff. A man widout faults am a 
 man widout reason. A man widout wickedness am 
 a man widout argyment." 
 
 A STATESMAN S DESCENT. 
 
 " IN case Brudder Cinnamon Carter am in de Hall 
 to-night, I should like to have him step dis way," 
 said the President, as Pickles Smith got through 
 blowing his nose and Elder Toots secured an easy 
 rest for his back. 
 
 The member inquired for, rose up at the back end 
 of the Hall and came forward with a look of surprise 
 cantering across his countenance. 
 
 "Brudder Carter, when did you jine dis Club?" 
 asked the President. 
 
 " Bout six months ago, sah. ; 
 
 " What was your object in becomin a member ?" 
 
 " I wanted to improve my mind.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 69 
 
 " Do you fink it has helped your mind any?" 
 
 " I do, sah." 
 
 " Well, I doan! In de fust place, you has borrow 
 ed money from ebery member who would lend you 
 eben a nickel. In de nex place, I can t learn dat 
 you has put in one honest day s work since you be 
 came one of us. You war sayin to Samuel Shin 
 las night dat de world owed you a livin ." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " I want to undeceive you. De world owes no 
 man only what he aims. You may reason dat you 
 am not to blame for bein heah. Werry good; de 
 world kin reason dat you am to blame for stayin in 
 it when it costs iiuffin to jump inter de ribber. 
 Brudder Carter, what has you done for de world dat 
 it owes you a livin ?" 
 
 " I Ize Ize 
 
 "Just so!" observed the President. "You has 
 walked up an down, an wore cloze, an consumed 
 food an drink, an made one mo in de crowd aroun 
 a new buildin . An for dis you claim de world owes 
 you a livin ? You has made no diskiveries, brought 
 out no inventions, written no song an held no offis. 
 Not 500 people in de world know of you by name. 
 You can t name one single man who am under obli- 
 gashuns to you. You eat what odders produce. 
 You w ar out de cloze odder people make. An yit 
 you have the impudence to sot down on a bar l of 
 dried apples, cross yer legs an fold yer hands, an 
 say dat the world owes yer a livin , an by de great 
 horn spoons mus gin it to you! Brudder Carter, 
 look at yerself a few minits ! " 
 
 "Yes, sah ahem yes I ze sorry, sah," stam 
 mered the member.
 
 70 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 What fur? Sorry kase you ve bin found out? 
 Sorry kase you ve entered dis Hall for de las time? 
 Brudder Carter, we doan want sich men as you in 
 dis Club. De world doan owe us a cent. On de 
 contrary, we owe de world mo dan we kin eber pay. 
 De man who argys dat he am entitled to any mo 
 dan what his brains or muscle kin aim him am a 
 robber at heart. We shall cross your name from de 
 rolls, show you de way down stairs, an permit you 
 to go your own road frew life. If you kin make de 
 world clothe, feed an shelter you fur de privilege of 
 seein you hold down a dry-goods box in front of a 
 sto which doan advertise, dat will be your good 
 luck." 
 
 Brother Carter thought the matter over and deci 
 ded that the world owed him a place in Paradise 
 Hall, but he was mistaken again. The Committee 
 on Internal Revenue stepped forward at a nod from 
 Brother Gardner, and the expelled member only 
 struck the stairs twice in going from top to bottom. 
 
 DE OLE MAN LEE. 
 
 " LAS nite as I war gwine pas McGuffy s groc 
 ery," solemnly began Brother Gardner, as Samuel 
 Shin finally got through pounding the stove, "as I 
 war gwine pas McGuffy s grocery, dar sat de ole 
 man Lee. I reckon you all know de ole man. He 
 sat dar on a box, hat on de back of his head an feet 
 obstructin de sidewalk, an he was sayin to de 
 crowd dat de present greatest need of dis kentry 
 was an increase of currency. Las winter all he got 
 to eat cum from de poo master, an all de close his
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 71 
 
 family wore cum from charitable people. I doan 
 reckon he has dun one squar day s work dis hull 
 season, an I m quite sartin dat his wife am bar fut 
 an his chill en hungry, an yit he sot dar spoutin 
 bout de needs of de kentry same as if he war carry- 
 in half de States in his west pocket. 
 
 " Let me say to you all right yere dat none of you 
 need shoulder yourselves wid any responsibility in 
 regard to dis kentry. Jist let er slide. If she runs 
 off de track, dat s none of your look out. I know a 
 dozen culPd men in dis city who am continually 
 worried about de expanshun or contracshun of de 
 currency, free trade or purtecshun, an odder quesh- 
 uns, an ebery one of em am ragged an hungry. 
 Doan you lose any sleep fur fear America won t git 
 Up right end fust in de mawnin . All you have to do 
 am to begin work at seben an leave off at six, an if 
 de kentry busts her biler you ll have sunthin laid by 
 to emigrate on. I doan keer two cents fur de politi 
 cal fucher. Let em contract or expand, swell or 
 shrink, nail down de kiver or leave de box open I m 
 counted out. When I have dun, my day s work an 
 got my pay I have no furder claims on de kentry. 
 While I pay my debts an obey de laws she has no 
 furder claims on me. We will now enter upon de 
 usual reckless programme of bizness." 
 
 RESIGNATION ACCEPTED. 
 
 The Secretary announced that the resignation of 
 Three-Ply Hastings had been handed to him for ac 
 tion by the Club, and Brother Gardner explained 
 that he had accidentally overtaken Mr. Hastings 
 one evening with a sack of flour on his shoulder. 
 He claimed to have won it at a raffle, but a grocer
 
 72 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 claimed next day to have had such a sack taken 
 from his door. Three-Ply could not describe the 
 place where the raffle was held, and the fact that he 
 emptied out the flour and burned the sack as soon 
 he reached home still further strengthened the sus 
 picions that instead of winning the flour at a raffle he 
 had found it hanging to the limb of one of the ma 
 ples in the park. His resignation had, therefore, 
 been asked for, and he had been invited to make a 
 defense. Not beftig present, was considered an evi 
 dence of a desire on his part to work his own cor 
 ners in flour, and the resignation was accepted by a 
 unanimous vote. 
 
 HOW TO GET EVEN. 
 
 Elder toots, after a brief but earnest conference 
 with Giveadam Jones, arose to make a personal 
 statement. He said he had taken two shirts to Wah 
 Hap, a Chinese laundryman, to be washed and 
 ironed, but that Celestial had perversely, if not in 
 dignantly, refused to do the work, presumably on 
 account of the Elder s color. He now sternly de 
 manded to know whether a Chinaman was better 
 than a colored man. If so, he wanted to die of a 
 tape-worm and be buried under a swamp- elm. If 
 not, then old as he was, and as much as he deplored 
 blood-shed, he would ask the Club to sustain him in 
 going over to the laundry and putting a head on the 
 yellow-faced barbarian from over the sea. 
 
 " Elder Toots," replied the President, as he sol 
 emnly scratched his ear, " de queshun as to wedder 
 de African an de Mongolian am de bes man am 
 bound to cum up fur discushun in de near f ucher, 
 but jist at de present time I reckon de bes way fur
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 73 
 
 you to git eben wid dat Chinaman am to refuse to 
 whitewash his ceilins or blacken his stove. Please 
 sot down an go to sleep." 
 
 SOME NEW RULES. 
 
 The Secretary then announced the following new 
 rules, which will be rigidly enforced until further 
 orders: 
 
 1 . No member shall address the meeting without 
 having both shoes on. 
 
 2. No more than forty dogs will be allowed in the 
 Hall at any meeting. The other fifty or sixty shall 
 be tied up in the alley or left in the ante-room. 
 
 3. Religious or political discussions between indi 
 viduals will not be allowed while the meeting is in 
 session. 
 
 4. In rising to address the chair, members will 
 face the chair. 
 
 5. Peanut-shucks, apple-cores, banana-rinds, or 
 ange peels and other foreign substances must not be 
 thrown about when there is a question before the 
 meeting, as a member who is hit on the jaw is lia 
 ble to have his attention distracted. 
 
 THEY PARTED. 
 
 The hour for adjournment having arrived, the 
 janitor reported that the stove had broken its last 
 leg, and four new cracks had lately appeared in the 
 bottom plate. He was instructed to confer with 
 some scientific men to see if some solution could not 
 be prepared to draw the cracks together, or if there 
 was not a preparation to fill such crevices, and the 
 procession moved down stairs to the tune of "Dad 
 dy s Coming Home."
 
 74 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 DE COMET. 
 
 As the meeting opened, Brother Gardner announ 
 ced that the Hon. William Johnson, of Port Huron, 
 was awaiting in the ante-room for admission, and 
 on motion of Assassination Smith the Committee on 
 Reception were instructed to bring him in. When 
 the duty had been performed, the President intro 
 duced the visitor, made him "welcome, and Mr. 
 Johnson led off as follows: 
 
 " What am de comet? Who is she? Which is it? 
 What am he heah fur? How many of you kin an 
 swer dese queshuns? My frens, de study of astron 
 omy am full of intres an pleasure. But fur astron 
 omy how could we hev known dat de moon am peo 
 pled by a race of one-eyed giants, an dat de dis 
 tance to de sun am so great dat if we was to sot out 
 an trabble on a hoss-kyar it would take us f o weeks 
 to git dar? Astronomy teaches us dat de atmos 
 phere in de planet Jupiter am so cl ar an transpar 
 ent dat you kin see a hoss-fly six miles away. In de 
 planet Mars de air is so cool dat a dead dog kin be 
 left in front of a first-class hotel fur nine weeks. In 
 de planet Venus it am allus good weather fur goin 
 a-fishin , an de air am so bracin dat de women allus 
 split deir own wood. De planet Saturn furnishes its 
 inhabitants strawberries an cream de hull y ar 
 round, an de wery bes kind o lager beer kin be had 
 fur sixty-eight cents a keg. Way back in de dark 
 aiges nobody knew wedder de sun was ten miles or 
 ten million miles off. De sight of a clipse skeered 
 chilPen into fits an made strong men crawl under 
 de bed fur safety. De stars war .supposed to be 
 pieces of tin nailed to de midnight air, an men 
 would no mo believe dat de earth turned round dan
 
 HON. WILLIAM JOHNSON OF PORT HURON. 
 
 Whar am de Comet ? Who is she ? "
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 75 
 
 you now believe dat de day will soon come when 
 men will go sailin frew de air at de rate of two 
 miles a minute. 
 
 "But I doan wish to take up de waluable time of 
 dis meetin , an I will close by deservin dat all oc- 
 cashuns seem supplementary to de general debility 
 of de furlong. Dar am no mo reason why all of 
 you shouldn t agitate generosity of de sincerity dan 
 dar am fur de elocution to operate disastrusly against 
 de terribleness of de octavo." 
 
 Elder Toots cheered. 
 
 Pickles Smith fainted dead away, and he did not 
 regain consciousness until Waydown Bebee ran 
 the cold handle of the water dipper down his back. 
 
 Mr. Johnson was taken out in such a weak and 
 exhausted condition that the janitor had to fan him 
 with a lump of coal, and run around the corner af 
 ter a whisky straight. It has been long weeks 
 since Paradise Hall was favored with such a tre 
 mendous oratorical effort. 
 
 THAT STRANGE NIGGER. 
 
 "WHAT I was gwine to remark," began the old 
 man, as the calcium light at the lower end of the 
 Hall shone full on his clean shirt and garnet neck 
 tie, "am to de effeck dat you can t depend on a 
 man till you hev gone ober a mill dam in de same 
 boat wid him, an eben den it am safer to keep de 
 doahs locked. I am led to dis reflecshun by de fack 
 dat about fo days ago a strange nigger knocked at 
 my humble doah. He was a meek an humble lookin 
 man, an he tole me a story of woe an misfortun
 
 76 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 dat almoas broke my heart. I took him in. I fed 
 an warmed him an felt bad fur him. Yesterday, 
 while I was out lookin fur a job fur him, he dodged 
 de ole woman an made off wid all my summer 
 skeeter-bars, an I heven t cotched him yit. De 
 ideah of a man stealin skeeter-bars in de winter 
 am bad nuff of itself, but to steal em from a fanrly 
 dat had warmed his heels, clothed his back an filled 
 him up wid bacon an taters, am sunthin that I can t 
 get ober right soon. I shall go right on trustin 
 folkses, same as befo , but in de sweet bime-by dar 
 will be a clus board fence eighteen feet high tween 
 me an sich people as can t eat two meal a day an 
 pay a hundred cents on de dollar. We will now en 
 ter into de reg lar concordance of de meetin ." 
 
 THE AGRICULTURAL COMMITTEE. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture, which had been 
 requested to investigate the cause of the scarcity of 
 apples the past season, reported as follows: 
 
 "Dis committee was in correspondence wid seb- 
 eral pusons who know all about de fruit bizness, an 
 de gineral impression seems to be dat de scarcity 
 was due to de fack dat de trees didn t b ar many 
 apples. Why dey didn t b ar was owin to de 
 scarcity, an dat s all we could find out, cept dat it 
 am much cheaper to eat pop-corn at five cents a 
 quart dan apples at forty cents a peck. You doan 
 hev to frow away any cores when you eat pop-corn, 
 an your committee will eber pray." 
 
 THEY BEAUTIFY. 
 
 Some time since the Committee on the Preserva 
 tion of Natural Scenery were asked to investigate
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 77 
 
 the subject of barber-poles, and report as to whether 
 they beautified a street or were a source of annoy 
 ance to the artistic eye. The committee now sub 
 mitted the following: 
 
 "Dis committee buckled right down to bizness, 
 an didn t lay off an eat oysters on de half-shell, 
 same as some committees dat we know of. We 
 found dat of all de signs in a city de barber-poles 
 am de freshest, cleanest and brightest. De eye dat 
 am lookin up de street fur a saloon, or down it fur 
 a peanut stand, lights on a barber-pole an am rested 
 an relieved. A barber-pole will beautify an old 
 shanty or adorn a marble front. It looks well 
 wherever you put it. Dey lay right ober signs of 
 soda water, an knock de spots off of signs of ice 
 cream. Dey doan show off in de night quite as 
 well as a drug store, but dar am no smell about em. 
 Dey doan quite come up to a Fo th of July parade, 
 but dey contain miffm to blow up de public or set 
 bildin s on fiah. Dis committee decides dat barber- 
 poles am useful, ornamental and healthy, an rec 
 ommend dat dey be protected by de laws which gov 
 erns de high seas." 
 
 RED PEPPER. 
 
 The report was no sooner ended than Pickles 
 Smith arose and demanded to know if members of 
 the Club could be insulted in open meeting with im 
 punity. 
 
 " Who s been insulted?" asked Brother Gardner. 
 
 " I hez, sah; an so hez de odder members of Com 
 mittee on Astronomy! Dis report jist read speaks 
 of a committee eatin oysters on de half shell. Dat 
 was my committee, sah!"
 
 78 THJE LIME- KILN GLUB. 
 
 "Well, didn t de oysters taste good?" innocently 
 inquired the President. 
 
 " Dey did, sah, but dis report seems to refleck on 
 us seems to cast a slur on our reputashun as a com 
 mittee. I demand an apology, sah!" 
 
 "Pickles Smith," said Brother Gardner, "doan 
 neber ram de bullet down afore you git de powder 
 in. Please sit down." 
 
 Pickles sat. 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Chairman of the above committee said he was 
 glad to report an "unusual wellness" among the ac 
 tive members of the Club. There was no one on the 
 sick list except Xerxes Black, who tried to hold the 
 handles of an electric machine until a bystander 
 could count ten hundred. He was now laid up with 
 tickling in the elbows and a goneness in other joints, 
 and the committee had refused to reeOmmend his 
 case for relief. 
 
 "De committee am perfeckly k rect," replied the 
 President. "When a member of dis Club -goes to 
 foolin round wid lectricity, he takes all de chan 
 ces an reaps all de glory. Let Brudder Black 
 keep on ticklin ." 
 
 HE OBJECTED. 
 
 The Hon. Celluloid Johnson now arose to a point 
 of order. He said he had been deeply grieved and 
 pained at sight of a weekly spectacle to be seen in 
 Paradise Hall ever since frosty weather set in, and 
 he could stand it no longer. 
 
 "Misser President, look up an down de isles," he 
 added, as he waved his hand. "Here am frteen 
 members wid deir boots off to. scratch deir chilblains!
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 79 
 
 Am dis respectable an polite to de Club? Am it 
 courtesy towards Paradise Hall? I move dat each 
 one of dem be reprimanded or fined." 
 
 KINDER SYMPATHIZED." 
 
 "Gem len," began Elder White, as he arose with 
 a boot in his hand, "I can manage to sot frew a 
 short sermon an keep my butes on, but w r hen it 
 comes to puttin in two long hours in dis Hall, I ze 
 either got to scratch dat heel or take chloroform! I 
 kin stan a head-ache, de toof-ache, a shake of de 
 ager or a hard chill, but when it conies down to chill- 
 blains I can t stand em off." 
 
 The President was observed drawing his own heel 
 across the boards and squinting up one eye as he re 
 plied: 
 
 " De chilblain queshun am a serus one. It affects 
 de hull foot. It takes in ebery heel in America. At 
 some fucher time we will give it de considerashun it 
 deserves, and in de meantime members who hev to 
 scratch will please keep deir feet down an be as 
 quiet as possible." 
 
 The Glee Club then sang several selections from 
 Mozart, the janitor locked up the water-dipper and 
 the match-box, and the meeting was carefully ad 
 journed. 
 
 A HEATHEN BODY. 
 
 THE Hon. L. C. Briggs, of Charlotte, Mich., failed 
 to appear last week as advertised, having been de 
 layed by the death of his aunt. His presence 
 was now announced by the Keeper of the Bear
 
 80 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Trap, and he was escorted to the platform by a com 
 mittee of three. After a general introduction to the 
 Club, he began: 
 
 " Gem len, de objeck of my awovin heah at de 
 present time am to warn you all to bewar of de 
 present an all future Legislachures. De pop lar 
 ideah am dat de body am imposed of men of high hon 
 or an noble minds, but doan you believe it! It was 
 stated in de papers dat I went out to Lansin at de 
 front end of de present seshun to secure de place of 
 head nigger of de cloak room. So I did. Dey haft 
 to have one dar, an if I can t run a hat-rack as well 
 as a man wid a mole on his ear den I want to die 
 befo night. Wall, I got out dar on time. I spoke 
 to Senators wid bald heads an all odder kinds, an 
 dey was pleased to pat me on de back an remark 
 dat I was fo teen rods ahead of all other candydates. 
 Dey smiled on me; dey winked at me; dey said dat 
 providence must have tumbled me down dar fur de 
 special good of de Senate. I walked high an was 
 happy; I felt suah of de place, an de way I made 
 common niggers stan back was tough on shoe 
 leather. But am I bossin dat cloak room? Am I 
 hangin up hats an bowin befo de great esquires? 
 I reckon not; but why not? Kase dose baldheads 
 sold me out an gin de place to a man who shows 
 ebery toof in his head when he bites into a peanut. 
 Dey am all on de sell, an de truf won t stick to em 
 onless nailed on an clinched on de furder side. I 
 warns you all to bewar of de hull crowd. I hear dat 
 de Club am reck niii to go out dar on a scursion. 
 Doan you go! Dey will smile on you wid one elbow 
 an knock your teef down your froat wid de odder!"
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 81 
 
 A GENEROUS OFFER. 
 
 "LET a pusson do what am right an squar, an 
 friends will riz up fur him on ebery han ," said the 
 President, as he fished up another letter from his 
 coat-tail pocket. " Heah am a letter from a bizness 
 house in New York, sayin 1 dat dis Club will be fur 
 nished all de French-plate mirrors wanted by mem 
 bers at twenty per cent, below de usual price. Dis 
 am a dun gone savin of twenty dollars on a hun 
 dred, or one hundred dollars on ebery five hundred 
 dollar purchase. We can t ax for nuthin better, 
 an de seckretary am requested to return our warm 
 est thanks." 
 
 "It strikes me," began the Rev. Penstock, as he 
 solemnly arose, " dat not moar dan seventeen out of 
 twenty members of dis Club will eber want to invest 
 five hundred dollars on a looking-glass." 
 
 "Is dar a queshun befo de house?" mildly in 
 quired the President. 
 
 "It am my opinyun " continued Penstock, 
 when the President interrupted: 
 
 " Is dar an opinyun befo de house? " 
 
 The Rev. Penstock sat down, and called up a vision 
 of a seven-hundred dollar French mirror leaning 
 against the white-washed wall of a negro-cabin, 
 and the liberal-minded epistle was filed on the wire 
 in due form. 
 
 A SOLEMN WARNING. 
 
 The Committee on Claims and Accounts submitted 
 written charges as follows: 
 
 1. That Alexander Goldsboro Swipes, an hono 
 rary member of the Club, residing in Vicksburg, 
 had represented that the Club indorsed his new
 
 82 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 toothache cure and corn eradicator, when the Club 
 had done nothing of the sort. 
 
 2. That the above-mentioned person has falsely 
 represented himself as Way down Bebee. 
 
 3. That he has contracted debts, and had the 
 bills sent here to the Club for payment. 
 
 His case was taken up under a suspension of rule 
 three, and, at the finish of the debate Brother Gard 
 ner said: 
 
 " De seckretary will write to Misser Swipes, dat 
 dis Club disanamously rumpudiates his actions, and 
 dat just one more complaint, even if no bigger dan 
 a free-cent piece, will obviate his name off our rolls 
 widout onnecessary slowness. He will be held up 
 an shook ober de yawnhr gulf of corrpushun as a 
 solemn warnin dat no crookedness am allowed in 
 dis Club, even on a call of de eyes an nose." 
 
 COL. CLARKE. 
 
 The distinguished visitors mentioned last week, 
 could not remain to address the Club, as was hoped 
 for, but Col. Clarke, of Kansas City, arrived unex 
 pectedly, and declared his willingness to deliver a 
 brief address on the subject of " On Time." When 
 escorted to the platform he seemed to be as much at 
 home as a major-general three miles in rear of a 
 battle, and his few words on the organization and 
 growth of the Club were well received. 
 
 Time, the speaker said, had considerable to do 
 with the daylight of this country. If some sharp 
 man hadn t thought of inventing clocks and watches 
 the world would have been in a bad muss. No one 
 could have told whether it was yesterday, to-day, or 
 day after to-morrow, gome people would have been
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 83 
 
 eating breakfast while others were splitting kind 
 lings for night. Some men would be starting out 
 for a day s fishing while others were going home to 
 get ready to attend one of Bob Infidel s lectures. 
 Luckily for the world, time had been invented, 
 patented, and divided up to suit everybody but a 
 man with a bank note to meet. He believed it was 
 of the greatest importance that every man should 
 be on time. Fortunes had been lost by people being 
 two or three minutes late. Kingdoms had been 
 won by men who were on time. The Colonel held 
 that even a murderer going to the gallows should 
 step right off and be on the drop at the right tick. 
 His promptness might not bring a reprieve, but it 
 could not fall of exciting the admiration of those 
 accustomed to having dinner at 12:30. 
 
 When the Colonel concluded his remarks, Samuel 
 Shin presented him with a spring bouquet on be 
 half of the Club, and a resolution was passed to 
 escort him to the depot in a body. 
 
 GUESS NOT. 
 
 THE Secretary reported the following inquiry from 
 the office of Secretary of State of New Jersey: 
 
 "Are the barriers of American liberty being gradu 
 ally demolished?" 
 
 The question being open for discussion, Trustee 
 Fullback said he couldn t see any signs of such cal 
 amity. When an American could open a grocery 
 in one end of a building, a saloon in the other, and 
 a poker room up stairs, it didn t look as if American 
 liberty was in very great danger,
 
 84 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Samuel Shin said he had carefully studied the 
 subject of the barriers of liberty for many years 
 past, and he had of late come to the conclusion that 
 as long as a red-faced young man could blow a brass 
 horn all the evening next door to where a child lay 
 dying, the barriers were all right and sound as a 
 dollar. 
 
 Giveadam Jones observed that he had also kept 
 his eye peeled for any signs that a central govern 
 ment was seeking to undermine the barriers erected 
 by Washington and cemented with the blood of pa 
 triots. When an American could sit on dry-goods 
 boxes all summer and make charity support him all 
 winter, there need be no alarm for the safety of the 
 Republic. 
 
 Several other members spoke in the same vein, 
 and the President closed the address by saying: 
 
 " I think dis Club am purty well satisfied dat de 
 barriers of liberty am all solid, an on behalf of de 
 organizashun I feel to assure de kentry at large dat 
 all de rights and privileges granted by our fo faders 
 am still worf a hundred cents on de dollah. Now 
 let de Glee Club strike up dat good ole air Gwine 
 Down de Lane , an as we rush fur he doah it will 
 avoid complicashuns fur all to remember de fust 
 pa r of obershoes on de left as you go out belongs to 
 me." 
 
 KILL WILLIAM SMITH. 
 
 " What I was gwine to remark," said Brother 
 Gardner, as the siege opened, " was to de effeck dat 
 Kill william Smith, ginerally known as de Demos-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 85 
 
 thenes of de South, am now waitin in de aunty-room 
 for an invitashun to deliver his orashun 011 De 
 Great Men of de Past. He has come heah from 
 Lynchburg, Va., fur dis speshul purpose, pay in his 
 own fa r part of de way an walkin de rest on de 
 railroad ties, an if dar am no objecshuns we will 
 bring him in." 
 
 " Did I understan de cha r to say if deir was no 
 dejecshuns?" asked the Rev. Penstock, as he sud 
 denly popped up. 
 
 " You did, sah." 
 
 " Dejeckshuns ah. Didn t de cha r mean to say 
 if deir was no " 
 
 "Brudder Penstock," interrupted the President, 
 "when dis cha r says dejeckshuns he doan mean in- 
 fleckshuns, direckshuns or defleckshuns. De las 
 time you interrupted de purceedins of dis meetin 
 you war toled dat de nex display of capfulness 
 on your part would dissult in a fine. Painful as it 
 am to me, an as much as I feel fur your wife an 
 chill en, I shall repose a fine on you of $400 an costs. 
 De costs, as nigh as I kin figger, will be about $000. 
 You will consider yourself impended from member 
 ship until de fine am paid." 
 
 The Rev. sank down on his chair. His eyes rolled, 
 his breathing was labored, and he suddenly fainted 
 away and dragged Napoleon Shrewsbury with him 
 to the floor. During the excitement eight or ten 
 persons received the contents of the water-pail. 
 Melon rinds flew about in a perfect shower, and a 
 cantelope, which struck Ten Thousand Collins be 
 tween the shoulders, broke open and extinguished 
 three lamps, and knocked down the grub-hoe with 
 which Washington crossed the Delaware. Brother
 
 80 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Penstock finally revived and bound a wet towel 
 around his head, and Colonel Hi-Hi-Smith arose to 
 make a statement. He was intimately acquainted 
 with the pecuniary resources of Brother Penstock. 
 His earnings the past year were exactly $483.29. 
 His expenditures were exactly $483.25. The balance 
 on hand was therefore only four cents. This year 
 the balance would be closer still, and even in the 
 best year to come there was no hope of a great in 
 crease. Giving four cents as the average yearly bal 
 ance, and it would take Brother Penstock about 250,- 
 000 years to pay his fine and secure his restoration to 
 membership. The speaker hoped that mercy would 
 prevail and the fine be withdrawn. After a brief 
 consultation with Sir Isaac Walpole and Waydown 
 Bebee, the President arose and announced that he 
 would remit the fine and costs, and that the mem 
 ber s narrow escape from being killed stone dead 
 would be a great moral warning to him throughout 
 the rest of his day s. 
 
 DEMOSTHENES. 
 
 The Committee on Reception then donned their 
 red neckties and escorted the great orator into the 
 Hall. He was given a general introduction from the 
 platform, a glass of water and a lemon placed at his 
 left hand, and after clearing his throat and adjust 
 ing his necktie, he began: 
 
 " Whar am Cicero? In de y ars gone by de world 
 cheered at his name. When he recommended any 
 maker s liver pills dem pills war considered boss. 
 When he acted as judge at a hoss race no man 
 dared appeal. When he entered a street kyar every 
 body hitched along. When he rode out in his keer-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 87 
 
 idge butcher-carts turned pale and took a back 
 street. De newspapers glorified him, de public ap 
 plauded him, an banks fairly ached to cash his 
 checks. But whar am he to-day? His sweet song 
 am silent; his dog has quit barkin , an eben his 
 name am forgotten except by de few interested in 
 faro an de string-game. [Cheers by Elder Toots.] 
 
 "Whar am Plato? Ask em at de toll-gate an 
 dey can t tell you. Ask em at de depots an a shake 
 of de head will tell de sad story. Gone! Gone! 
 When he crossed de Rubicon de world thundered 
 with applause. [Applause from Samuel Shin.], 
 When he crossed de Alps nations trembled. [Cheers 
 from the back end of the Hall.] When he wrote 
 Paradise Lost de world wept. [Suppressed ap 
 plause from Cassowary Bottomlands. ] But he am 
 passed away. De blight an de mildew struck him 
 an he faded, an only now an den, as you see a 
 game of dominos, do you h ar his memory referred 
 to. [Prolonged cheers.] 
 
 " But I did not come yere to take up the time of 
 dis meetin . [Applause.] I simply desired to pre 
 sent you wjd a few gems from my oratorical album, 
 an to say to you dat yereaf ter I kin be found at 2057 
 Croghan street, dis city, where I shall be ready at 
 all times to cuah co ns, bunyons, cracked heels an 
 so toes, an deliber my full lectur at de low price of 
 twenty-five cents a head chill en free. [Cheers 
 and applause, and a fall of eleven joints of stove 
 pipe.] 
 
 BEWARE OF HIM. 
 
 When quiet had been restored, the Secretary read 
 a communication from Happy John Franks, of Ver-
 
 88 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 million, Marshall Co., Ks., stating that a one-eyed 
 straw-paper colored man, giving his name as Pick 
 les Smith, had been in that vicinity for the last two 
 weeks collecting money for the erection of a colored 
 church in Michigan. He had credentials, but hesi 
 tated and exhibited guilt when asked how many of 
 the bald-headed members of the Club wore a buck 
 skin plaster on top of the head in fly time. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to reply that the 
 real Pickles Smith had not been outside of Detroit 
 for a year, and to ask the people of Kansas to re 
 ceive the base imposter in the way he deserves. 
 
 VENTILATED ENOUGH. 
 
 The Committee on Sanitary matters reported that 
 they had spent thirteen days investigating the in 
 quiry: " Do the colored people of Detroit appreciate 
 the benefits of proper ventilation?" The committee 
 rather thought the colored people did. Out of 200 
 houses visited 180 had broken windows, cat holes in 
 the roof, and door-panels busted out, and it was 
 pretty plain that the inmates were having all the 
 ventilation any one family could take care of. 
 
 There was no need of disinfectants. Dead cats 
 and decayed vegetables were passed from yard to 
 yard until the outskirts were reached, and the pres 
 ence of dogs in the house effectually crippled the in 
 jurious effects of sewer gas. 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 The Keeper of the Relics reported that the bear 
 trap and other articles of reverence were in good or 
 der, the janitor was ordered to give the stove pipe 
 two coats of paint during the week, and the meeting 
 softly adjourned.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB 89 
 
 JUDGE CADAVER. 
 
 "AM Judge Cadaver in de Hall to-night?" softly 
 queried Brother Gardner, as he looked down the 
 aisle toward the stool on which the fat and juicy 
 Judge was unanimously reposing. 
 
 " If de Judge am in de Hall he will please step dis 
 way," continued the President, after a moment of* 
 deep silence. 
 
 The Judge slowly arose and meandered forward, 
 energetically chewing a piece of slippery elm to hide 
 his agitation. 
 
 "Brudder Cadaver, I have a few words to say to 
 you to-night," said the President, as he looked down 
 upon his shiny haldness. " De odder day I happen 
 ed to pass a policy shop, an I saw you gwine in. 
 Dat same evenin as I was gwine past a saloon I 
 saw you standin at de bar wid a glass of whisky in 
 your han . I kin also recall de fack dat I hev not 
 seen you at work for de las month." 
 
 " I hasn t bin feelin strictly well," pleaded the 
 Judge. 
 
 " You war well miff to play policy." 
 
 "I I didn t put up but ten cents." 
 
 " An what about de whiskey-drinkin ?" 
 
 " I was feelin powerful weak, sah," 
 
 " Too thin too thin," replied the President, as he 
 shook his head. " Now, den, I want to spoke to you. 
 In some respects you am a good man. I doan be 
 lieve you would steal, I hev never cotched you lyin , 
 an I reckon you am a good man at home. Now, if 
 somebody told you dar was a gold ring in de bottom 
 of de ribber somewhar, would you pay ten cents a 
 chance to fish fur it?" 
 
 "No, sah."
 
 90 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Sartin, you wouldn t. Policy am a long, wide, 
 deep ribber. De gold ring at de bottom am a $5 
 prize which some poo critter fishes out after payin 
 ten or fifteen dollars fur de chance. You wouldn t 
 f row money into Lake Erie an spect to git it back, 
 but you ll frow money into de pond of policy an 
 spect to git out ten times as much as you tossed in. 
 Drap it drap it, Brudder Cadaver, bef o you lose de 
 title of Judge an get dat of Fool." 
 
 " Yes sah; I ll drap it to-once." 
 
 "An you drank whisky. De man who goes into 
 a saloon am no better dan de man who keeps it. If 
 I should ax you to put your foot agin a hot stove you 
 would think me crazy. An yit, when you burn 
 your stomach, befuddle your brain an make a brute 
 of yourself, an hev to pay fur de privilege besides, 
 what shall I think of you? God made de idiot, but 
 it was left to whisky to make de fool." 
 
 " I ll nebber tech de stuff agin, sah nebber." 
 
 " An you hev big loafin aroun . Brudder Cadav 
 er, all wickedness begins wid laziness. A loafer am 
 as much despised as a drunkard. When laziness 
 comes home, pride goes away to visit de nayburs. 
 Whisky may break a woman s heart, but laziness 
 will freeze her to death. When you go home to 
 night spit on,yer hands an ax de boys to grease yer 
 butes. When you turn outer bed in de mawnin , 
 freeze hold of de ax, or spade, or brush, an hunt fur 
 a job. Dissolve partnership with laziness, cut de 
 acquaintance of whisky, an de next time you am 
 tempted to play policy come ober to my cabin an 
 ax me to kick you all roun de doah-yard. You kin 
 now sot down."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 91 
 
 A NARROW ESCAPE. 
 
 AND still another fiendish attempt to destroy hu 
 man life and demolish Paradise Hall must be record 
 ed. As the janitor was making ready for the Satur 
 day night meeting, he opened the stove to take a 
 chew of tobacco from a box he had been keeping 
 there since it was decided not to build any more 
 fires. To his horror, it was discovered that some 
 one had placed a two-pound can of powder in the 
 stove, and under ordinary circumstances he would 
 have started a fire without seeing it. The result 
 would have been appalling. Samuel Shin, who al 
 ways sits nearest the stove, would have gone out of 
 the opposite window and demolished the entire rear 
 end of a second-hand clothing store. Giveadam 
 Jones would have been lifted off his stool and dash 
 ed into the ante-room, knocking down the Keeper of 
 the Pass-Word and utterly smashing a jug contain 
 ing five pints of kerosene oil. Waydown Bebee 
 would have been subjected to a pressure of 22,000 
 pounds to the square inch, and under this terrific 
 strain he must have gone scooting up the Hall and 
 plumped dead against Sir Isaac Walpole, mashing 
 the old man to pulp in the wink of an eye. Brother 
 Gardner would have been blown against the iron 
 safe containing over $700, and rebounding from 
 thence he would have struck Elder Toots, killed him 
 stone dead, passed close to Pickle Smith s ear, and 
 brought up against the chimney, falling to the floor 
 a lifeless mass of dark-colored clay. Every lamp 
 chimney would have been broken every window 
 demolished, and every one of the nineteen joints of 
 stove-pipe would have struck a separate head in 
 falling. Paradise Hall might not have been entirely
 
 92 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 demolished, but it would have taken at least $13 to 
 cover actual damages, to say nothing of the loss of 
 valuable lives. 
 
 THE EYE OF PROVIDENCE. 
 
 " Let dis be anoder warnin to you dat de eye of 
 Providence am allus watchin out," said Brother 
 Gardner in his opening. " De good am sartin to be 
 protected, while de bad will sooner or later arrove 
 at some awful end. Had we been de Common 
 Council, a political convention, or a State Legislature 
 dat fiah would have been built; dat powder would 
 have gone off, an dis Hall would have been de pic 
 ture of desolashun an death. De janitor, who now 
 receives a salary of seventy-five cents per week, will 
 have it increased to eighty, an in fucher his seat 
 will be under de bust of Andrew Jackson. We will 
 now pass de water an purceed to bizness." 
 
 A PETITION. 
 
 The Secretary further announced a petition from 
 twenty-four colored men of Richmond, asking the 
 Signal Service of the United States to give at least 
 twenty-four hours warning of the approach of earth 
 quakes. No arrangements have been made for re 
 porting earthquakes at all, and the colored popula 
 tion had to depend on luck alone. Brother Gardner 
 announced that the Lime-Kiln Club would indorse 
 the petition and forward it to Congress. 
 
 DELAYED POETRY. 
 
 The Secretary announced that he had received 
 from Prof. Bagdad Pratt, of Brownsville, N. Y., a 
 poem to be entered for the Waydown Bebee premi 
 um. The entries had been closed and the prizes
 
 WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 93 
 
 awarded, but on motion of Pickles Smith the Secre 
 tary was instructed to read the poem in a voice full 
 of emotion. He therefore read: 
 
 ON DE NEGLECTED GRAVE. 
 
 By de co ner ob de melon patch, 
 
 Among de bloornin clover, 
 I sot me on a grassy mound 
 
 To look de melons ober, 
 De bee was buzzin in de sun, 
 
 A makiu ob de honey 
 De skeeter borin at my shin, 
 
 As if he worked for money. 
 
 A stirrin ob de melon vines 
 
 De win blew from de souf ; 
 An powerful de melons pumped 
 
 De water in my mouf . 
 An den I think, " how soon how soon, 
 
 No melons I see shall 
 How soon how soon I shall not hear 
 
 De buzzin ob de bee." 
 
 Dis darky s fleetin bref done gone! 
 
 (For life am neber long), 
 De melon-longin hushed an hushed 
 
 De banjo an de song. 
 Den lay me in de groun right heah, 
 
 An let de skeeter rave! 
 De melon shuah will ripen on 
 
 De poo neglected grave. 
 
 On motion of Waydown Bebee, the Secretary was 
 instructed to forward the thanks of the Club, 
 together with a letter introducing the poet into 
 the best society in the principal cities of the Union.
 
 94 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 IT DOES NOT. 
 
 After lowering the contents of the water pail an 
 inch and a half, a.nd raising two windows to admit 
 more oxygen, the Secretary announced the following- 
 inquiry: 
 
 GLENROSE, TEXAS, March 14, 1882. 
 
 DEAR BROTHER GARDNER. There is a superstition among the 
 negroes of the South that all lawyers go to the bad place. Does 
 such an idea prevail among the members of the Lime-Kiln Club ? 
 By answering this question, you will oblige greatly, 
 
 Your distant friend, 
 
 COTTONSEED WHITE. 
 
 "I neber heard dat dis Club entertained any such 
 superstishun," said Brother Gardner, in reply. "So 
 fur as de average lawyer goes, dis Club has no par 
 ticular respect fur him. De average lawyer isn t a 
 bit better dan de average criminal he keeps out of 
 jail. De thief breaks de law to git money. De law 
 yer defends the thief for de same purpose, an it 
 most allus happens dat de thief am dun cleaned out 
 when de lawyer am frew wid him. But de greatest 
 criminals an de meanest men am generally giben 
 time to repent. Arter de lawyer begins to grow old 
 an de rheumatism cotches on, an his wife dies, an 
 his house burns up widout insurance, he am forced 
 to reflect on his past life, an dat refleckshun prob 
 ably brings repentance. I doan spose Heaben am 
 crowded wid lawyers, but I reckon dat nuff of em 
 squeeze in to keep flngs pretty lively fur sich angels 
 as disturb de peace or obstruct de sidewalks.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 95 
 
 SILENT SORROWS. 
 
 "DAK am sartin folkses I want to keep away from," 
 began the old man, as the voices of the Glee Club 
 died away on the last strains of " Sarah Jane s Ba 
 by." "I mean dat class of people who groan ober 
 de wickedness of de world, an who have heartaches 
 an sorrows to peddle aroun de kentry at de reg lar 
 market rates. Dar am de ole man Turner. He 
 comes ober to see me now an den, but he can t sot 
 still kase somebody stole his dog, or hit him wid a 
 brickbat, or beat him out of seventy-five cents. He 
 fully believes dat de world am gwine to smash at de 
 rate of fifteen miles an hour, an it would eanemost 
 kill him to lose his ole wallet an find a man honest 
 nuff to return it. 
 
 " De widder Plumsell comes ober to borry some 
 butter fur supper, an she draps down on a cha r an 
 heaves a sigh as big as a barn doah an goes on to 
 say dat dis am a cold an unfeelin world. Cording 
 to her tell all men am dishonest, all women extrav 
 agant, an all chilPen jist ready to come down wid 
 de measles. Tears run down her cheeks as she tells 
 how she has to work an plan while eberybody else 
 has money to frow inter Lake Erie, an she wipes 
 her nose on her apron as she asserts dat dis wicked 
 world can t staii mo dan fo weeks longer, 
 
 " Deacon Striper draps in to eat pop-corn wid me 
 on a Friday ebenin , an he hardly gits out from un 
 der his hat befo he begins to tell what his first wife 
 died of; how his second wife run away; how his 
 third bro~ke her leg by f allin off a fence an cost him 
 $28.14 for doctor s bill, an befo he gits frew you 
 couldn t make him believe but what de hull world 
 was dead agin him. He predicts a late spring, a
 
 00 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 hot summer, poor crops, high prices, a bloody war, 
 an goes home feelin dat he am stoppin on airth 
 only to accommodate somebedy. 
 
 " I have no sorrow of my own. I ve been robbed, 
 but dat was kase I left a winder up. I ve been 
 swindled, but dat was kase I thought fo queens 
 would beat fo aces. I ve bet on de wrong hoss; I ve 
 bought lottery tickets which didn t draw; I ve been 
 sick unto death, an I ve been shot in de back wid a 
 hull brickyard, but I do not sorrow an I do not ax 
 fur sympathy. De world am plenty good nuff fur 
 de class of people livin in it. Honest men am not 
 lonesome fur company, an honest women am sartin 
 to be appreciated. De janitor will now open fo 
 winders an we will purceed to bizness." 
 
 PRIZE AWARDED. 
 
 The time for receiving poetry entered fbr the 
 special prize offered last fall by Waydown Bebee 
 having expired, that gentleman announced that he 
 had received thirty-two different specimens, of 
 which seven were poems, six idyls, twelve sonnets 
 and the remainder were odes to spring, fall, winter, 
 dead folks, rolling oceans, green meadows, spotted 
 cows, handsome women and codfish balls. He had 
 read and re-read, and had come to the conclusion 
 that a poem entitled, "The Tears They Blind My 
 Eyes," by Prof. Qoneby Jackson, of Alabama, was 
 entitled to the prize of $5 in cash and a fire shovel 
 eleven feet long. The following is the first verse of 
 the poem: 
 
 I ar lookin down do lane whar de cliill en used to play, 
 An de shadows of de ole persimmon tree. 
 
 War frown across de roof of de little cabin home, 
 Whar ole Dinah watched de hours away fur me.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 97 
 
 THE FOURTH. 
 
 Giveadam Jones offered a resolution to the effect 
 that the Lime-Kiln Club celebrate the coming 
 Fourth of July in becoming style, and after some 
 considerable discussion the resolution and the fol 
 lowing programme were adopted: 
 
 1. National salute at sunrise of twenty-seven shot 
 guns provided there is a sunrise. 
 
 2. Breakfast at 7 o clock providing there is any 
 thing in the house to eat. 
 
 3. Assemble at Paradise Hall at 10 o clock. Ad 
 dresses by Pickles Smith, Trustee Fullback and 
 Samuel Shin. 
 
 4. Street parade at noon. 
 
 5. Eeassemble at the Hall at 2 o clock. Patriotic 
 songs, speeches and declamations by Waydown Be- 
 bee, Pickles Smith, Boneless Parsons and others. 
 
 6. Display of fireworks in front of Paradise Hall 
 in ( the evening front seats reserved for ladies. The 
 display will be in charge of Condensed Johnson, R. 
 A. M., and Prof. Clingstone Fairbanks, of the Con 
 cord School of Philosophy. The principal attractions 
 will consist of " Washington Going up the Spout;" 
 "ex-President Hayes Crossing the Brandy wine;" 
 " Napoleon at Waterloo; 7 Susan B. Anthony at 
 Chicago, and " The Dying Sleepingcar Porter." 
 
 MORE VILLAINY. 
 
 The janitor reported that he had just unearthed 
 another villainous plot to work harm to the Club, if 
 not injury to life and limb. Some unhung villain 
 had secretly entered the hall and removed the 
 quicksilver from the thermometer arid replaced it
 
 98 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 with a drop of lard oil. The janitor had used up 
 three old barrels, two boxes and a heap of wood in 
 trying to raise the temperature to 100 degrees, and 
 it was only after the legs of the stove began to turn 
 red. that he cast about to discover the cause of his 
 failure. 
 Giveadam Jones offered the following: 
 
 , Dat any pusson who will steal de inside of a ther 
 mometer am base nuff to rob graves, an dat de sum of $ 20 am 
 hereby sot aside as a reward for de diskivery of de said hyena in 
 wolf s clothinV 
 
 The resolution was promptly seconded by Trustee 
 Fullback, Jerusalem Smith, Kyann Johnson and 
 others, and after being unanimously adopted, the 
 meeting was hung up to dry for one week. 
 
 DE COMIN POWER. 
 
 THE Committee on Scientific Research having 
 been requested to furnish the Club with a list of the 
 various motive powers in daily use, and suggest 
 any new ideas on the same subject, reported as fol 
 lows: 
 
 " Motive power am de power which makes fings 
 move. Steam am a motive power, kase it makes de 
 ingine in a distillery move, an ward politishuns am 
 thus furnished wid capital stock to pack caucuses 
 an pull wires. Water am a motive power, kase it 
 turns de wheels of de saw-mill, air thus purvides us 
 wid sidewalks full of holes. Wind am a motive 
 power, kase it lengthens de sessions of Congress 
 an de varijs Legislacliures. tectricity am
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 99 
 
 power, but de rates am so awful high dat we didn t 
 investigate. De bite of a dog, de sting of a hornet, 
 de toe of a boot, an de squint of a man s left eye 
 am numbered among de minor motive powers. 
 Gunpowder, when properly used, has been known 
 to blow up hoss-barns an kill elephants. Dis Com 
 mittee feels safe in sayin dat de nex decade will 
 bring forth other motive powers. De time am coin- 
 in when our butes will be pulled on an off by ma 
 chinery; when dechiU en will be put to bed wid four 
 revolushuns of de big fly-wheel; when de sarvint 
 gal who doan come home in time to get supper will 
 de snaked along at de rate of a mile a minute; 
 when a Tom an Jerry will be mixed an stirred up 
 by simply pressin on a button let into de bar, an 
 when de man who comes home at midnight an 
 can t open de front gate, will be lifted up f rew a 
 second-story winder an sobered off in about twenty 
 ticks." 
 
 ABOUT LIARS. 
 
 " WHO am a liar?" asked the old man, as he rose 
 up in his usual place and glared around him. 
 
 "Pickles Smith, Trustee Fullback, Samuel Shin 
 and Evergreen Jones started and turned pale, and 
 there was a deathlike silence as Brother Gardner 
 continued: 
 
 " An what shall we do wid him wid de liar an 
 de liars? De liar am wid us an of us an among us. 
 He gits up wid us in de mawnin an lies down wid 
 us at night. Go to de grocery, an de grocer smiles 
 an nods an lies, Go to de dry -goods man, an he
 
 100 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 has a welcome an a lie. De tailor promises a suit 
 when he knows he can t finish it. De shoemaker 
 promises a pair of butes for Saturday when he has 
 three day s work on the nex week. De ice man 
 charges us wid twenty-five pounds an delivers six 
 teen. Our carpets are warranted, an yet they fade. 
 De plumber plumbs an lies. De painter paints an 
 lies. De carpenter planes an saws an cheats. De 
 dressmaker not only lies but steals de cloth. We all 
 lie like troopers fifty times a day, an de man who 
 won t lie doan stan any show. 
 
 "An yet, my frens, whar will we bring up in de 
 end? When Way down Bebee axes me fur de loan 
 of a dollar till Saturday, he lies. He knows he 
 can t pay it back under fo weeks. I know he knows 
 it, an I lie. I tell him I jist paid out de last shillin 
 fur a wash-bo d an can t possibly raise no mo . If I 
 ax Judge Hostetter Johnson to sign a bank note wid 
 me, he lies when he says he promised his dyin 
 gran rnother neber to do so. We lie when we wa r 
 better cloze dan we kin afford when we put on airs 
 above us when we put on our backs what orter be 
 fodder fur our stomachs. We has become a red-hot 
 go-ahead dust-aroun nashun, but AVC has also be 
 come a nashun of liars, cheats an false pretenders. 
 We adulterate our goods, cheat in weight, swindle 
 in measure, an put on broadcloth coats to hide de 
 absence of dollar shirts. Our society am full of 
 false pretenders, our religion furnishes a cloak fur 
 hypocrites, an our charity am but a high-soundin 
 name fur makin a dollar bring back ten shillings. I 
 doan know what de principal wickedness of Sodom 
 consisted of, nor wedder de folks in Gomorrow tole 
 lies or pitched pennies, but if either one could beat
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 101 
 
 an American town of the same size fur lyin an de- 
 cepshun dey mus have got up werry airly in de 
 mawnin , an stayed awake all night long. We lie, 
 an we know we lie. We play de hypocrite, we 
 cheat an deceive, an yit we want the world to pick 
 us out as shinin examples of virtue, an we expect 
 our tombstones to bear eulogies georgious jj nutf 
 fur angels. Gem len, let us kick each odder into 
 doin better! Let de kickin begin jist whar it hap 
 pens, fur we can t hit anybody who doan need it." 
 
 ROSE TO INQUIRE. 
 
 Waydown Bebee arose to inquire if he had ever 
 borrowed a dollar of the President and neglected to 
 return it on the date specified. 
 
 "You has, sah !" was the prompt reply. 
 
 Waydown scratched his head, looked around for 
 a soft spot to break his fall, and finally sat down 
 with a look of melancholy creeping over his com 
 plexion. 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 " Gem len, befo purceedin to de bizness in han ," 
 said Sii Isaac, as he stood up, " let me beg de priv 
 ilege of admittin dat I am a liar. I whitewash a 
 lie. I black stoves an lie. I beat an put down ca - 
 pets an lie. I am an aged liar from de word go, an 
 I am ashamed of it; sorry fur it, an I promise to 
 quit de bizness from dis time out. I will now pass 
 de bean-box. Please remember dat one black bean 
 rejects a candydate, an may bring sorrow to a hull 
 back township." 
 
 He then began his preambulations, and the follow- 
 lowing gentlemen of off-color were unanimously elec 
 ted in the order named: Trustee White, Moses Adew,
 
 IGii THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Rev. Pilaster, Judge Tremaine, Rider Dodo, Nemes 
 is Scott, Col. Peachtree Williams, and Lord Conduc 
 ive Jones. 
 
 THE FOURTH. 
 
 The committee having in charge the arrange 
 ments for the glorious Fourth for the colored ele 
 ment throughout America, reported the following 
 programme, which they trust will be strictly adher 
 ed to: 
 
 " Arouse yourselves at 5 o clock A. M. Describe 
 the battle of Bunker Hill to the children. Breakfast 
 at 0. Describe the battle of Trenton to the old wo 
 man. Down town at 7. Lemonade lager cocoa- 
 nuts peanuts bananas. Meet at some appointed 
 place at 9 o clock. Rncourage each other to be pat 
 riotic and strive for a pension. Let some orator in 
 the party make a speech glorifying the American 
 Republic. 
 
 "After dinner take the children down to see the 
 proud bird of liberty. Have the old woman hold up 
 both hands and swear that she will never wash a 
 shirt or scrub a kitchen for a tyrant. 
 
 " Fireworks in the evening. Lemonade grows 
 weaker. Grand flight of sky-rockets and hurrahs 
 for the best country under the sun. Wallop the 
 children and jaw the old woman when you get 
 home. Nothing like it. Hip hurrah ! " 
 
 The programme was discussed at length but on 
 the motion to adopt, there was not a negative vote. 
 
 KILLED IN THE BUD. 
 
 Trustee Fullback then offered the following reso 
 lution:
 
 THE LIME-KILN "CLUU. 103 
 
 "fiesolved, Dat usurpashun am de death blow of liberty." 
 
 "Brudder Fullback," said the President, as he 
 looked at the member over the top of his spectacles, 
 "do you know what usurpashuii means? " 
 
 "1 I spect I does, sah." 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 Brother Fullback hesitated, scratched his ear, 
 rubbed his elbow, and was evidently fast-aground 
 on a sand bar. 
 
 "You had better take dat resolushun an place it 
 softly on top de stove," resumed the President. 
 " Dar am too much chin-music in dis kentry bout 
 usurpashun, monopoly, centralizashun, loss o liber 
 ty, an so on. If anybody wants to usurp let him 
 go ahead. As fur loss o liberty, we has got such 
 dead loads of it dat we kin afford to lose a sheer. 
 Sot down, Brudder Fullback sot down, an remem 
 ber dat shootin off big words doan pay fur meat an 
 taters." 
 
 HUMAN NATURE. 
 
 THE blowing of noses in the northwest corner of 
 Paradise Hall finally came to an end, and when 
 Trustee Fullback had flung his whole soul into one 
 grand effort to cough his head off, and failed, Broth 
 er Gardner arose and said: 
 
 "My kentrymen, when you meet a man who 
 knows jist whar he kin borry a dollar who has 
 friends in boat political parties who gits invitations 
 to all church festivals who am ginerally spoken of 
 as a good feller, you have foun a man who makes a 
 study of human natur . De student of anatomy
 
 104 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 carves up a cadaver to diskiver how de bones am 
 put togedder whar de muscles lie how de vital 
 organs am nailed on. De good feller studies de liv- 
 in stead of de dead de mind stead of de body. 
 De human mind am full of co ns. Tread on one of 
 em, an dar am a back-ackshun to once. If I 
 should want a five dollah bill airly Monday mornin 
 I should slip ober an ax Deakun Jackson fur it. 
 His big co n am de belief dat no one kin be saved 
 onless he am baptized in de riber, an I have been 
 keerful to walk all aroun dat co n. I go ober to 
 his house wid a jug o cider in one hand an baptis 
 mal argyrnents in de odder, an sometimes he feels 
 so good dat he d like to douse me in de rain bar l. 
 
 " If I wanted some onion seed I d go ober to Elder 
 Tiffs . De Elder s co n am de belief dat he was bo n 
 fur a great preacher. I ve walked all ober him a 
 hundred times, but I ze neber stubed my toe agin 
 dat co n. I ve sot down wid him an praised de build 
 of his head, an de shape of his mouth, an his pose 
 an gesture, an I ve stuck to de cha r while he talk 
 ed an cavooted fur a straight hour. If I wanted 
 onions, he d fall down cellar to git em fur me. 
 
 " If you come across a man who imagines dat he 
 am an orator, doan gibe his booms; it won t hurt 
 anybody to let him keep right on finkin so, but it 
 will make him your deadly enemy to try to con- 
 wince him dat he was cut out fur a blacksmif. 
 Dar am people who write stuff an call it poetry. 
 Ize got a naybur who writ fourty-four varses of sich 
 stuff las fall an read it to me, an axed my candid 
 opinyun. Did I tell her it was bosh? Did I jump 
 frew de winder when she reached de second verse? 
 Not much! I listened wid de utmos diligence, an
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 105 
 
 when she finished de las line I advised her to pub 
 lish a book o poems. De nex Week I fell sick, an 
 dat poetess was de fust on de groun wid chicken- 
 brof an currant jell. 
 
 " When I meet a man who has made up his mind 
 dat our city guv ment will go to smash if he don t 
 git office, I incourage him. I incourage de young 
 to become Washingtons. I incourage de ole to 
 hang on till de world has to recognize deir great 
 ness. A word at de right time means de loan of a 
 dollali means thirty off when you want a new 
 whitewash brush means a bushel o lime free gratis 
 means a recommend if you want to jine de pur- 
 leece fo ce. Tech my co ns an I ll want to kick ye. 
 All men am de same. Call em co ns or call em 
 hobbies, but he who goes slashin aroun widout ear- 
 in whar he puts his feet, will make twenty enemies 
 whar he gains one friend. Study your man. Take 
 him apart put him togedder fin out whar his 
 co ns lay, an den step high an softly. Let us now 
 irregulate to bizness." 
 
 THE REVISED. 
 
 " I TAKE pleasure an satisfaction," said the Presi 
 dent, as he held up a parcel, "in informin you a 
 worthy citizen of Detroit, who does not car to hab 
 his name menshun d, has presented dis revised eclis- 
 hun of de Bible to de Lime-Kiln Club. We do not 
 open our meetins wid prayer, nor do we close by 
 singin de Doxology, but, neberdeless I am suah dis 
 gift will be highly appreshiated by all. Dar has bin 
 considuble talk in dis Club about dis revised edishun.
 
 106 THIS LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Some of you hub got do ideah dat purgatory has all 
 been wiped out, an heben enlarged twice ober, an 
 1 have heard odders assert dat it didn t forbid lyin , 
 stealin , an passin off bad money. My frens, you 
 am sadly mistaken. Hell is jist as hot as eber, an 
 Heben has nt got any mo room. In lookin, ober 
 some of de changes, las night, I selected out a few 
 paragraphs which have a gineral b arin. Fur inst 
 ance, it am jist as wicked to steal water mellyons 
 as it was las y ar or de y ar befo , an de skeercer de 
 crap, de bigger de wickedness. 
 
 " No change has bin made in regard to loafin 
 aroun de streets. De loafer am considered jist as 
 mean an low as eber he was, an I want to add my 
 belief dat he will grow meaner in public estimashun 
 all de time. 
 
 " De ten commandments am all down lieah wid- 
 out change. Stealin , an lyin , an covetin , an 
 runnin out nights am considered jist as bad as 
 eber. 
 
 "I can t find any paragraph in which men am 
 excused for payin deir honest debts, an supportin 
 deir fam lies. 
 
 " I can t fin whar a poo man or a poo man s wife 
 white or black am spected to sling on any per- 
 tickler style. 
 
 " Dog fights, chicken liftin , poly ticks, playin 
 keerds fur money, an hangin aroun fur drinks, an 
 all sich low bizness am considered meaner dan eber. 
 Fact is, I can t fin any change whateber which 
 lets up on a man from bein plumb up an down 
 squar , an honest wid de world. Dey have changed 
 de word Hell to Hades/ but at de same time 
 added to de strength of de brimstun an de size of
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 10? 
 
 tie pit, an we want to keep right on in tie straight 
 path if we would avoid it. Doan let any white 
 man make you believe dat we s lost any Gospel by 
 dis revision, or dat Peter, or Paul, or Moses hab 
 undergone any change of speerit regardin de ways 
 of libin respectably an dyin honorably." 
 
 SERENE TOOTS. 
 
 ELDER TOOTS has been alluded to in the proceed 
 ings of this Club as an individual of serenest coun 
 tenance and sweetest repose. Having to go to 
 market for a bottle of horse-raddish and a quart of 
 beans, he decided not to return home previous to 
 putting in an appearance at the Lodge. As a conse 
 quence, he was on hand half an hour ahead of the usu 
 al time, and was left in charge of the Hall while the 
 janitor prospected up the alley to see if any of the 
 store porters had been reckless enough to leave a 
 dry-goods box out in the cold. The Elder filled his 
 pipe and had a smoke, and in a moment of emotion 
 al insanity he dropped the red-hot clay into his coat- 
 tail pocket. Combustion and ignition followed, and 
 when the janitor returned the Elder was skipping 
 over stools and benches like a boy getting away 
 from a delegation of hornets. There was a strong 
 smell of smoke and fire, but the Elder had no time 
 to relate particulars. He sat down in the water-pail 
 but it was waterless. He rolled over and over on 
 the floor, but the smell grew stronger. It was not 
 until a dozen members had come in and chased the 
 old man into a corner and collared him that it was 
 discovered that he was on fire.
 
 108 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 When Elder Toots started for home he was a sad 
 der man. He also had an old coffee sack thrown 
 carelessly over his back to give him the appearance 
 of a Roman brigand. The incident was duly an 
 nounced to Brother Gardner as he came in, and 
 when the meeting opened the old man said: 
 
 "Let dis lesson sink deep into your hearts. Do 
 not cultivate sereneness. Sereneness will wade 
 frew a mud-hole all de y ar round when half an 
 hour s work would bridge it. Do not be tranquil. 
 De tranquil man am either a great villyun or too 
 lazy to keep up wid de purceshun. Avoid absent- 
 mindedness. It may do in a great man, but when 
 it comes down to poo folks like us, one case of ab 
 sent-mindedness will knock our credit at de grocer s 
 or butcher s higher dan a kite. Avoid sweet repose. 
 De man who kin shet out dis busy world an de 
 sound of its machinery at de airly hour of seben 
 o clock in de ebenin , can t hev any money lent out 
 on a chattel mortgage, an has no ax lyin aroun de 
 wood-pile fur any one to steal. Lastly, de world 
 neber has any pity on de man wha burns off his own 
 coat-tails. Let us now purceed to bizness." 
 
 MORE BASENESS. 
 
 "Gem len," said Brother Gardner, as he held out 
 an alleged two-shilling piece on the palm of his 
 hand, "at de las weekly colleckshun some one of 
 ye drapped dis so-called quarter into de hat. It am 
 not only a base counterfit to begin on, but it has 
 free holes bored frew it. Now, de ideah of histin 
 such money off on dis Club am a little too dizzy, an
 
 SERENE TOOTS AS A ROMAN BRIGAND.
 
 THE LIME KILN CLUB. 109 
 
 if de same coincidence incurs agin, I shell deliver a 
 speech of indignashun lastin an hour an a half. 
 One word moah: De member of dis Club who am 
 totin such stuff aroun in his pockets had better 
 look out." 
 
 Samuel Shin arose for the purpose of saying that 
 the bogus quarter might have dropped from the 
 ceiling as the hat went round, but just as he got his 
 mouth puckered up he was told that there was no 
 question before the meeting, and he therefore fell 
 back on his bench. 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 The petitions read off by the Secretary numbered 
 thirteen, representing six different States. Among 
 the more prominent petitioners were James Come 
 back Dodge, of St. Louis, and Gen. Sardanapalus 
 Smith, of Natchez. Mr. Comeback is the original 
 inventor of the art of putting a crimson flush on a 
 whitewashed ceiling and imitating cobwebs in the 
 corners, and the General invented the jetty system 
 at the mouth of the Mississippi river just three days 
 after Capt. Eads did. 
 
 AN APPEAL. 
 
 A letter from Kansas City asked the Club to for 
 ward a contribution to aid the colored people in 
 placing a spire 150 feet high on their church edifice, 
 but Brother Gardner shook his head and observed: 
 
 " De time has arrove when de religun in a pus- 
 son s heart am gwine to be jedged by his words an 
 deeds, an not by de steeple on his church. Folkeses 
 who can t praise de Lawd in a buildin widout any 
 spire on de top, am not de sort to praise Him at all/
 
 110 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 INSURANCE. 
 
 & letter from the Secretary of an Eastern Insur 
 ance Company made inquiry of the Club as to what 
 per cent, of the colored people of Detroit carried life 
 insurance. The letter also stated that favorable 
 terms would be given such members of the Club as 
 desired to insure. 
 
 Dis life inshurance am one of de problems dat 
 mix me up," remarked the President, but I ll take 
 down de names of anybody who wants a policy." 
 
 Elder Toots thereupon came forward and said he 
 thought he d take about three million dollars on his 
 life, and Ezra Buck guessed he d take five. This 
 settled it with the others, who realized that no com 
 pany could lose over $8,000,000 and come to time on 
 other losses. 
 
 ABOUT DOGS. 
 
 The Committee on Internal Improvements sub 
 mitted their monthly report at this meeting. It 
 was devoted almost entirely to dogs, the committee 
 having been instructed to investigate the newspaper 
 statements that every colored family in Detroit own 
 ed an average of three canines. This statement 
 first appeared in the New York Tribune many years 
 ago, in an editorial written by Horace Greeley, and 
 is constantly passing around the press. The com 
 mittee made a thorough canvas of the city, and 
 found that no colored family had over three dogs, 
 while the majority had only one, and thirty-eight 
 were keeping house and scrubbing along without 
 even a cat. The report being adopted, the Club 
 passed a resolution demanding that the Tribune
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. Ill 
 
 should retract its statement in a double-leaded par 
 agraph. 
 
 VISITORS. 
 
 The Committee on Reception reported that the 
 Hon. Deflective Jones, of Augusta, Ga., and Ed 
 ward Springhill, Esq., of Chicago, would both arrive 
 in the city the present week to visit the Club, and a 
 resolution was adopted to invite them to speak be 
 fore the next meeting. The Hon. Jones has the 
 largest possum farm in Georgia, and is coining 
 North to secure machinery for making three-corner 
 ed bricks, and Mr. Springhill is selling a new sort 
 of shoe-blacking, which kills corns as well as shines 
 the leather. 
 
 DE CRANK. 
 
 Col. Ebenezer Canister then offered the following 
 single-barreled resolution: 
 
 Resohvd, Dat dis Club lias no sympathy wid cranks, an dat it 
 am de sense of dis Club dat more hangism would result in less 
 erankism." 
 
 The resolution was passed by a unanimous vote, 
 and Brother Gardner added: 
 
 " I feel strongly dat way myself. De man who 
 kin pay out an receive money, trade aroun de ken- 
 try, do bizness an keep outer de way of de butcher- 
 carts, musn t sboot my ole woman an den plead 
 hereditary, heretofore, hereafter or any odder sort 
 of insanity. De crank who can t resist de tempta- 
 shun to steal must keep outer my tater patch or take 
 de chances of my puttin a han full of shot inter his 
 corpus. De crank who am not morally responsible 
 fur his utterances will feel de weight of my fist da
 
 112 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 fust time he calls me a liar. De crank who am not 
 financially responsible wants to keep right away 
 from me de hull week frew. De crank who am im 
 pelled by Deity, Debit, or any odder power to do me 
 bodily injury, had better be sartin of his aim, fur if 
 he misses me I ll light down on him like a ton of de 
 reddest brick he eber saw. I doan go a cent on any 
 insanity outside of a lunatic asylum. If a man am 
 luny, put him among the lunatics. De fack dat he 
 am not put dar am reason fur holdin him legally 
 responsible fur ebery act." 
 
 DE GONENESS. 
 
 As the triangle sounded the President slowly arose 
 to a picturesque position and observed: 
 
 "Prof. January Sunbeam, of Mississippi, am 
 waitin in de ante-room to address de meetin on de 
 subjeck of De Goneness of de Past. De Professor 
 am not only known all ober de kentry fur his theo 
 ries on astronomy, but he am de only man in Amer 
 ica who kin skin awoodckuck in seben minits by de 
 watch. Sir Isaac Walpole, you an Giveadam Jones 
 will put on your yaller kid gloves an long-tailed 
 coats an escort the Professor into de Hail." 
 
 In about five minutes the stranger made his ap 
 pearance and was greeted with a burst of applause, 
 which upset the water pail and filled the shoes of 
 eight or ten of the nearest members. On taking the 
 platform, he was introduced by the President, hand 
 ed a piece of slippery elm to keep his throat moist 
 during his oratory, and he then bowed and began: 
 dear fren s, whar am de past? Look fur it
 
 THE LJME-KILN CLUB. 113 
 
 under de bed. down cellar, up stairs, in de wood-box 
 or whar you will, an you cannot find it. Why? 
 Kase it am gone. It has slipped away like a streak 
 o grease runnin across de kitchen floo , an it will 
 neber, neber return. (Sighs from all over the Hall.) 
 Do you meet Plato as you go up de street? Do you 
 iin ? Cicero waitin at de ferry dock? Do you hear 
 of Diogenes hangin round de Union Depot to work 
 de string game on some greenhorn? Not any! Dey 
 belongs to de past an gone. Dey sleep in de dim 
 ness of odder centuries. Whar am de glories of de 
 Roman Empire? Whar am Caesar an Brutus an 
 Cassius? Let de dust of" de past answer. (Much 
 blowing of noses.) 
 
 " My fren s, de past am not de fucher, any more 
 dan day after to-morrow am day befo yesterday. 
 As time fades so does glory fade. To-day you may 
 march at de head of de purceshun, yer hat on yer 
 ear an a red sash tied aroun yer body to-morrow 
 ye may be in jail furborrowin somebody s woodpile 
 to keep yer feet warm. (Sly and suspicious winks 
 all over the room.) Do not prize de present too 
 highly, do not forget de warnings of de past. We 
 cannot recall de past, but we can look back an see 
 whar de grocer gin us short weight on codfish, an 
 whar we took advantage of a cloudy day to pass a 
 twenty-cent piece off fur a quarter. (Cheers and 
 applause.) 
 
 " My hearers, we should not lib fur de past, but 
 fur de fucher. What am it to us as we riz up in de 
 mawnin wedder Ca?sar met his mother-in-law at de 
 depot or forbid her his house? What am it to us as 
 we retire to our humble couches fur.de night wedder 
 de orators of Athens greased deir butes wid lard or
 
 114 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 went bar fut? As we sit on a box in de alley to con 
 sume our noon-day lunch, we car not wedder Brutus 
 dyed his goatee or was clean-shaved. (Cries of No! 
 no!) But de fucher am big wid events. To-day we 
 may be full of sorrow. If so, we hope dat de mor 
 row will bring clam chowder. (Great smacking of 
 lips.) If de present am full of biles an chilblains 
 an heart-aches, de fucher may be as bright as a cat s 
 eye shinin out of a bar l on a dark night. Neber 
 look back on de past. It am as much gone as a 
 three-cent piece paid out fur Fourth of July lemon 
 ade. Neber dispair of de fucher. When de heart is 
 heaviest, de fire lowest, an work de skeercest, you 
 may find a lost wallet, or strike some butcher willin 
 to give credit. (Whoops of applause.) My fre ns, 
 I am dun. Thanking you severely for } T our infec 
 tious distraction, I rambulate to my seat wid oderif- 
 erous feelings of concentrashun towards each an eb- 
 ry one of you." 
 
 During the wild excitement which followed the 
 close of the masterly effort, Samuel Shin and Trus 
 tee Fullback fell upon the hot stove in an enthusias 
 tic embrace, and seven windows had to be lowered 
 to let out the odor of overdone mule steak. 
 
 ABOUT ART. 
 
 "Lale in de ebenin de odder night," began the 
 old man. as Elder Toots quit coughing and the dust 
 from Pickle Smith s boots settled down, "my cabin 
 war surrounded by seberal leadin citizens of Kain- 
 tuck. When dey had been invited in an placed 
 whar dey could all spit on de stove, dey denounced
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 115 
 
 de object of deir wisit. De Hon. Saleratus Bloater, 
 who am not a member of dis Club, arose an said dat 
 hisself an odder cull d citizen war aggitatin de 
 subjick of establishin an art gallery in dis city fur 
 de encouragement an benefit of de African race, 
 an he wanted de inflooence of de Club in de enter 
 prise. Gem len, de queshun am open fur discushun, 
 an Sir Isaac Walpole hez de floo ." 
 
 Sir Isaac said that he had also been informed of 
 the scheme and asked to favor it. In his mind s eye 
 he saw a dozen colored men without overcoats, toes 
 out to the frost and pockets empty, standing before 
 a painting of some European palace, but he thought 
 they would rather criticise a square meal of codfish 
 and potatoes 
 
 Waydown Bebee believed in art and art galleries. 
 An art gallery hung with smoked hams, loaves of 
 bread and baked potatoes was his idea. He would 
 rather hold a private interview with a peck of tur 
 nips under a shed than to stand before a statue of 
 Apollo in an art gallery, but he would be guided by 
 the majority. 
 
 " I stan up heah widout any undershirt on ! " said 
 Squire Trotback, as he rose up like a telescope get 
 ting ready for business, " an de man who emagines 
 dat I prefer a lan scape to an undershirt am fro win 
 away his time." 
 
 " An my ole woman," said the Hon. Cabiff Jones, 
 as the other sat down, "am at de present minit 
 gwine about de house wid a boot on one foot an a 
 shoe on de odder, kase I can t afford to buy her two 
 boots, though I ze bin workin ebery day fur de las 
 six months. Bhe d look sweet stanclin befo de pic-
 
 116 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 tur o Contentment, wouldn t she? I fink I see 
 her right dar! " 
 
 " Gem len," said the President, as he gave the 
 bear-trap a left-handed squint, " de day may come 
 when we kin have all we want an plenty to lend, 
 but jist at de present time de cull d folks of dis ken- 
 try need art galleries about as much as a pig needs 
 wings. We will drap de subjeck an progress to 
 wards progreshun." 
 
 A CORRECTION. 
 
 The Secretary read a letter from Haverstraw Mil 
 ler, of St. Louis, asking what brought about the rup 
 ture between the Lime-Kiln Club and Gen. De Luc, 
 of the Agricultural Bureau, and Brother Gardner re 
 plied: 
 
 " Why, dare hain t de least bit o rupcher atween 
 us. It was only yesterday dat I received a qommu- 
 nicashun from de General axin my way of keepin 
 bedstead casters safe from de frost doorin de winter, 
 an my answer goes out by nex mail. Shoo! now, 
 but dis Club an de General am workin in de softest 
 harmony togeder, an if de public lets us alone it 
 won t be a y ar befo we shall solve de queshun of 
 growin pink-colored cabbage-heads. Rupchur 
 atween de General an dis Club neber!" 
 
 NOT IN PARTICULAR. 
 
 A communication from St. Joseph, Mo., inquired 
 if the Club had yet adopted any particular color as 
 its own, and this brought the President to his feet 
 again;
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 117 
 
 "I can t say dat we really hez. Indeed, we am 
 considerably mized up on dat head. Some of us run 
 to sky-blue, some to pale-yaller, an de younger 
 members seem to hev a great hankerin arter laven 
 der an vermillyun. Howeber, if de time eber comes 
 when de queshun am brought to a wote, I spect dar 
 would be a thumpin big majority in favor of yaller 
 striped wid scarlet." 
 
 BOUNCED. 
 
 Maj. John Smoothshod here offered the following 
 preamble and resolution: 
 
 " Wh aras, Dis Club hcvin been offishully notified dat Cyrus 
 Washington Brown, of Nicksburg, Miss., an honorary member of 
 de organizashun, hez been detected in an attempt to enter a gro 
 cery store by way of de back winder at midnight; an 
 
 " Wh aras, Dis Club believes in buyin its groceries in de day 
 time an payin cash down; now, darefore, 
 
 " Re solved, Dat de name of de said Cyrus Washington Brown 
 be an hereby am drapped from de rolls foreber, an all good mem 
 bers of de Club am spected to turn up de nose of scorn at him 
 wheneber an whereber met." 
 
 The resolution was adopted without debate, and 
 Cyrus can now wipe his weeping eyes on his elbow. 
 
 RE- ADOPTED. 
 
 Tne Rev. Penstock took the floor and said that he 
 last year voted for a resolution to combine Thanks 
 giving, Christmas and New Years in one general 
 holiday, and christen the same "Thankschrisyear s." 
 He wanted to inquire if the Club still adhered to its 
 ideas, and if so, what day it would observe. 
 
 Samuel Shin just missed knocking down the 
 stovepipe as he arose to inquire if the Fourth of
 
 118 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 July couldn t be voted back into the middle of 
 January. 
 
 Trustee Fullback was in favor of a consolidation. 
 He didn t have chicken now on any of the three 
 winter holidays, and if they were combined in one, 
 he might possibly scrape up a pullet. 
 
 The Hon. Gazeteer Larkins was sorry that he 
 could not agree with the Senator from the Fifth, 
 but he would rather have more holidays than less. 
 He didn t always have plum pudding and chicken 
 pot-pie for a holiday dinner, but those days always 
 gave him a chance to sit around the stove and warm 
 his heels clear through. 
 
 Several other members spoke for and against the 
 proposition, and the Club then adopted a resolution 
 combining the three winter holidays in one and 
 naming it as above. 
 
 THANKS. 
 
 A firm in Boston forwarded an offer to supply the 
 Club with enough oilcloth to cover all the benches 
 and stools for winter at twenty per cent, below reg 
 ular wholesale rates, and the Secretary was instruc 
 ted to write a letter of thanks in reply and ascertain 
 if he could, how many degrees colder oilcloth is on a 
 cold day than regular ice. 
 
 The meeting then adjourned. 
 
 THE AIRY PERKINS. 
 
 AT this stage of the proceedings Sweetbriar Per 
 kins stood up in the northwest corner of the Hall, 
 flourished a red silk handkerchief, adjusted his lav-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 119 
 
 ender tie, and announced that he arose to a question 
 of privilege. He had just returned from a trip to 
 Ohio, and during a short stay at Cincinnati he had 
 been refused permission, or rather the right, to eat 
 at the tables with other guests. The waiter had 
 seated him at a small side table, with no other com 
 pany, and had even thrown out hints that he should 
 have sought a cheaper hotel. Brother Perkins felt 
 that the Club had been insulted through him, 
 and he wanted to know what action would be 
 taken. 
 
 " It will take no furder ackshun dan to reprimand 
 you fur your impertinence," replied the President. 
 " In de fust place you had no money to speak of, an 
 had no bizness in a fust-class hotel. In de nex place 
 you forgot your origin. You had no mo bizness sit- 
 tin longside o white ladies an gem len dan dey 
 would have in luggin pails o whitewash aroun de 
 street. I know all about de Civil Rights law, but it 
 doan count. De people who made it had no sympa 
 thy fur us. Not a man who woted fur it would sit 
 beside us at de table or in a theatre. De law of pro- 
 teckshun applies to a cow as well as a hoss to a 
 goose as well as a calf. Boaf am equal in law boaf 
 have de same rights in law, but do you see cows 
 mixin wid hosses, an tryin to equal em in pullin 
 an walkin an trottin ? Am a goose veal bekase it 
 has de same rights as a calf? Do calves try to fly 
 bekase de air am as free to calves as to geese. If I 
 should see a white man sot down to a table wid 
 twenty black men I should dispise him, an de black 
 man who fo ces his presence upon white folks should 
 be taken by de neck an bounced inter de fust hoss 
 pond. Brudder Perkins, you am a leetle too airy fur
 
 120 THE LIME -KILN CLUB. 
 
 a black man, an about sebenteen shades too dark 
 fur a white one, an onless you make a change your 
 fate is sealed." 
 
 DE GOOD OLE DAYS. 
 
 What I am longin arter," said Brother Gardner 
 as Trustee Fullback ceased coughing and Samuel 
 Shin finally got a rest for his feet, " what I am 
 longin arter am a sight of a good, old-fashioned 
 man or woman sich as we could find in ebery house 
 thirty y ars ago, but sich as cannot be found now in 
 a week s hunt. It makes me lonesome when I real 
 ize dat our old-fashioned men an women are no mo . 
 In de days gone by, if I fell sick, one woman would 
 run in wid catnip, anoder wid horseradish leaves, 
 anoder wid a bowl o gruel, an tears would be shed, 
 an kind words spoken, an one couldn t stay sick to 
 save him. In dose good ole days de kaliker dress 
 an white apron abounded. An honest woman 
 wasn t afeard to wash her face on account of de 
 powder. Ebery woman wore her own ha r, an she 
 wore it to plea.se herself instead of fashun. Thick 
 shoes kept her feet dry, thick clothes kept her body 
 warm, an dar was no winkin and wobblin an 
 talkiii frew de teef. 
 
 " Dar was goodness in de land in dem good ole 
 days. Dar was prayin to God, an de hearts meant 
 it. De woman who wore a No. 6 shoe was as good 
 as a woman wid a fo^t all pinched out of shape an 
 kivered wid co ns. You didn t h ar much bout 
 beach o promise cases an odder deviltry. De man 
 who parts his ha r in de middle, an believes he
 
 BROTHER GARDNER IN THE BOSOM OF HIS FAMILY.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 121 
 
 mashes his wictims by do score wasn t Tbo n den. 
 People didn t let deir nayburs die under deir noses 
 widout eben knowin dat sickness had come to de 
 family. Men worked hard an put in full time, an 
 women foun sunthin to do besides gaddin de 
 streets to show off a small foot or a new bonnet. 
 
 " De world calls it progress. We must shut our 
 hearts against our naybur, sacrifice all fur fashun, 
 conceal our limps an pains, appear what we am not, 
 an when we go to de grave fur rest we am forgotten 
 in a week. Whar one woman looks to Heaben a 
 dozen looks to fashun. Whar one man helps de 
 poo from kindness of heart a dozen chip in because 
 de list of names will be published in de paper. 
 When I sot down of an evenhr an fink dese fings 
 ober it makes me sad. I doan know jist how wick 
 ed Sodom was, nor what deviltry dey was up to in 
 Gomorrah, but if either town had mo wanity, wick 
 edness, frivolity an deceit dat Detroit, Chicago, 
 Buffalo, or any odder city in dis kentry, rents mus 
 have bin awful high." 
 
 SPRING DECORATIONS. 
 
 The Committee on Decorative Art announced 
 their readiness to submit the regular monthly re 
 port, and leave being given, the Chairman stated 
 that the advent of spring would bring many new 
 changes. All kitchen ceilings will be given a sky- 
 blue cast, with faint streaks of old gold around the 
 edges. The popular shade of walls and fences will 
 be an aristocratic purple, toned around the knot 
 holes with a rich pink. Outside blinds will be paint 
 ed a dove-color and trimmed with second mourning. 
 Rag carpet can be bordered with stripes of blue
 
 122 THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 
 
 horse-blanket where the family desires to combine 
 a light atmosphere with a dreamy effect. Old hats 
 have long been considered en regie for filling the 
 place of broken window panes, but decorative gen 
 ius has found something new. Card board cats, 
 printed in colors and made all sizes, are pinned to 
 the sash so neatly that the passer-by is struck with 
 admiration. Where six or eight panes are broken 
 in the same window, and six or eight cats are pinned 
 to the sash, the general effect is decidedly pictur 
 esque. 
 
 HOW UNCLE PETE DIED. 
 
 " IT am my painful dooty," said the President as 
 the meeting was called to order, "to announce de 
 fack dat Brudder Kanaby passed from airth away 
 yesterday arternoon. He was known to moas of us 
 as Uncle Pete, an I believe he has passed away wid- 
 ont leavin an inemy behind him. Who does not re 
 member his white ha r, wrinkled face, kindly voice 
 an good-natured smile? Who kin not remember his 
 kin words and good deeds? Who eber axed him fur 
 help dat he did not get it? 
 
 An poo ole Uncle Peter am no mo among us! 
 Some few of us war up dar when he breathed his 
 last, an none of us will soon forgit how he passed 
 away. When you see de cold, dead face at de fun 
 eral to-morrer you will see dat it carries de same kin 
 smile as in life. He died feelin dat he was gwine 
 home. He was only a poo ole black man, not able to 
 read or write, and all frew his life he had met wid 
 sorrows an misfortunes. Men had told him dat he 
 had no soul. Men had told him dat dere was no God.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 123 
 
 Men had laffed at him fur believirT dar was a here 
 after fur weary souls. An yit how did he die? 
 
 " When de poo ole man realized dat de summons 
 had come his smile was like dat of a child s. De 
 prayer he made will ring in my ears foreber. In his 
 heart, so soon to be still, he felt dat his long y ars of 
 faith war bout to be rewarded. He had held fast 
 through darkness and scoffin an trial an dispair, an 
 now de reward was clus at ban . Dar war tears in 
 our eyes an we coul d not see, but we knew what he 
 saw. If eber mortal eyes looked into Heaben, dat 
 curtain was lifted to him. Wid his hands clasped 
 wid a heart puttin its trust in God to de las wid a 
 smile which showed nuffin but faith an trust dis ole 
 man slipped from de lovin hands around him an 
 jined de percession which am allus marchin from 
 de shores of airth to de gates of glory. As many 
 of you as can make it convenient will attend de 
 funeral to-morrer, and de Janitor will see dat de 
 wacant cha r am decked wid crape fur de usual 
 thirty days." 
 
 OUR COLORED HEROES. 
 
 The President announced that it was time to be 
 stow the semi-annual prize offered by the Club for 
 the greatest display of heroism by any colored man 
 in North America, and he called for the report of 
 the committee. Waydown Bebee, Chairman of said 
 committee, reported that he had several cases to 
 mention, as follows: 
 
 1. The case of Harrison Dayball Carter, of Ten 
 nessee, who plunged into a burning building and 
 brought out a baby in one hand and a gallon jug of 
 whisky in the other. It could not be definitely as-
 
 124 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 certained whether the jug or the baby incited Mr. 
 Carter to his heroic act. 
 
 2. The case of Gen. Pompeii Jones, who put a 
 string around a mad dog s neck and led him into a 
 suburb of St. Louis. It had been charged that the 
 General did not know that the dog was mad, and 
 picked him up with the intention of being a dog 
 ahead. 
 
 3. The case of Elder Theopholis Smith, of Georgia, 
 who plunged into a raging flood to rescue a boy 10 
 years old. It had been asserted that he did not 
 plunge until the boy s father had offered a reward of 
 $100, and the committee could not come to any con 
 clusion. 
 
 4. The case of George Washington Defoe, who 
 descended into a well thirty-eight feet deep to rescue 
 a man who had just cheated him blind on a mule 
 trade, and who refused a reward of fifteen cents for 
 his noble efforts. This case, in the opinion of the 
 committee, was the most deserving, and on the ques 
 tion being put the Club was unanimous in voting the 
 prize to Mr. Defoe. The prize consists of a silver- 
 plated tobacco-box, with a compass in the lid, and 
 the Secretary was instructed to mail it to the hero 
 forthwith. 
 
 THE GLEE CLUB. 
 
 The Glee Club then tuned up and sung and played 
 the following so beautifully that the Hall clock 
 stopped dead still at five minutes to ten. 
 
 De robin am chirpin 
 
 De blue-bird am singin 
 De voice of de blue jay am heard in de land- 
 
 De wild ducks am flyin
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 125 
 
 De ganders am sighin 
 An de big bunko man he am showin his hand. 
 
 De mud s growin deeper, 
 
 An thunder s a comin , 
 An de possum comes out of his log fur to see; 
 
 De warm rain s a fallin , 
 De spring calf am bawlin , 
 
 Ad de white-washin season has opened for me. 
 
 REPORTS. 
 
 The Committee on Astronomy reported a riot on 
 the sun s surface, but advised everybody to go to bed 
 at the usual hour. 
 
 The Committee on Ways and Means reported in 
 favor of increasing the number of political offices in 
 this country; likewise an increase of jails and prisons. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture reported that it 
 had contracted cider to be delivered in October at $1 
 per barrel. 
 
 The Committee on Sanitary Measures could not 
 say that a barrel of soap-grease in the cellar of a 
 house would create dampness in the parlor bed room, 
 but the matter was being investigated. 
 
 The Librarian reported the number of almanacs 
 of the date of 1882 on hand at 2,827, and more com 
 ing by every mail. 
 
 The remainder of the business of national impor 
 tance was placed on ice, the water-pail turned bot 
 tom-side up, and the meeting slid down stairs, while 
 the Glee Club sang: "Oh! Who Would Die This 
 Summer?"
 
 126 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 DE GOOD MAN. 
 
 THE President ordered thirteen windows to be 
 raised, the ice in the water-pail to be renewed, 
 and all the dogs turned out of the room, and then 
 said: 
 
 When you cum across a man who has no vices 
 nor weaknesses, drap him as you would a hot tater. 
 De Lawd intended man to be mo or less weak, 
 wicked an wretched. It was not de ideah to turn 
 out a perfeck man. If it had been, we should have 
 had neither religion, preacher nor Bible. Airth 
 would have bin Heaben, an dar would have bin no 
 call to die. 
 
 " Natur sometimes turns out a pusson widout 
 guile, jist as she turns out one-eyed colts an three- 
 legged calves. Sich pussons soon become known as 
 either fools or lunatics. It am agin natur s way to 
 bring men into dis world wid an angel s wings al 
 ready half grown. An it am a leetle suspicious to 
 find a too-good man. When you diskiver a human 
 bein who isn t lame some whar who neber deceives, 
 cheats, lies, envies, covets who goes about satisfied 
 wid de weather, craps an himself who won t bet, 
 drink, go to de circus or look upon a hoss race, you 
 have found a man to let alone. He am too good. 
 Natur made him fur an angel an forgot to put him 
 in Heaben. 
 
 " I like a man who has weakness an sins. Den I 
 know dat he am a feller-mortal who was put on airth 
 to be saved. I like a man who has had sickness, 
 heartaches an grievous trouble. Den I am sartin of 
 a man who has sympathy. I like a man who has 
 bin fp.olish. nuff to git drunk an strong nuff to ki
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 127 
 
 de temptashun ober a seben-rail fence. Den you 
 know whar to find him. He has bin dar an knows 
 what a fool he was. I like a man who has bin a liar, 
 an who hasen t entirely recovered from de injury. 
 Den I know how to trade hosses wid him, an I 
 know what to believe when he tells me dat he has 
 bin fishin . If a goody-good nay bur borrys my 
 spade I doan know when it will cum home, nor 
 how much of it will be left. If a thief takes it for a 
 loan I am pretty sartin to rekiver it in a day or two 
 an in good condishun. 
 
 " When a man tells me dat he has become so good 
 dat he feels like bustin , I go right home an put an 
 extra padlock on my kitchen doah. When a man 
 sheds tears ober de condishun of de far-off heathen, 
 de heathen at home had better be keerful how dey 
 lend him money. De man whose conscience won t 
 let him go to a place of amusement, has bin known 
 to elope wid anoder man s wife. De man who can t 
 remember dat he eber used an oath or tole a lie has 
 bin follered across de ocean an arrested fur robbiii 
 widders an orphans, Pe man who allus w ars 
 a smile am now sarvin his third term iri State 
 Prison. 
 
 " Let me say to you in sumin 1 up dat de man who 
 sins an knows it an wants to do better, am sooner 
 to be trusted dan de man who neber sins an feels 
 dat he am good nuff. If you lie to a man, let it be 
 a man who feels dat he am weak an sinful. You 
 will den have a pardner who am not a freak of Na- 
 tur . Let us now embarass ourselves wic[ de reg lar 
 order of bigness."
 
 128 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ABOUT PROGRESS. 
 
 THE report of the Committee on Arts and Sciences 
 being called for, the Chairman, Two-Ply Hastings, 
 said that he had nothing new to announce. As to 
 the query from Liverpool, England: "Are we pro 
 gressing as fast as we might in Art and Science?" he 
 would answer no. Science is still in its baby-clothes 
 Art still clings to the nursing-bottle. Science as 
 serted that the world had stood for 10,000,000 years, 
 but when you come to shake a $10 bill at a savant 
 and ask him to cover it he loses faith in his asser 
 tions. Art had decorated cuspadors until any man 
 with the instincts of a gentleman felt obliged to spit 
 in his coat-tail pocket. Two-gallon jugs had been 
 turned into such objects of vertu that drink for har 
 vest hands must now be carried in the field in sed 
 entary and unromantic wooden pails. But Art 
 had only been awakened only been measured for 
 its first pair of shoes. The day was coming when 
 every fashionable dwelling in America would out 
 shine a circus band-wagon, and every kitchen wood- 
 box would reflect ecenery so wild as to frighten 
 small children into fits. We are not progressing in 
 Art and Science as fast as we might, and the princi 
 pal reason therefor is the high price of yellow paint, 
 whitewash brushes and wash-bluing. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture reported fine 
 weather for Canada thistles, and that sunflowers 
 were coming out right smart. 
 
 The Committee on the Judiciary reported in favor 
 of a law making it a penal offense for a butcher- 
 cart to run over more than six persons per week. 
 
 The Committee on Foreign affairs advised the 
 recall of twelve American Consuls, and the substi-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 129 
 
 tution of the same number of cheap stone dogs in 
 their stead. 
 
 The Committee on Ways and Means reported in 
 favor of substituting hymn-books in the Indian ra 
 tions in place of Hour, and after a sharp debate on 
 what sort of binding should be used in case the 
 change was made, the meeting went home by the 
 shortest cuts. 
 
 NONE O YOUR BUSINESS. 
 
 "WHEN a man axes me who libs nex doah," be 
 gan the old man as the triangle sounded to order, 
 "I answer him Brown or Jones or White, or what 
 ever de name may be, but when he goes beyond dat 
 an axes what salary de man aims, how often his 
 wife changes bonnets an how dey make seben dol 
 lars a week go furder dan I kin fo teen, I become a 
 clam. I has no business to know, an when I do 
 know I won t tell. I used to have some curiosity in 
 dis direcshun, but I has got ober it of late y ars. 
 When I know dat a sartin man, receivin a salary of 
 812 per week, kin give parties, hire carriages an 
 dress his wife in silks, it makes me glum. Dat is, it 
 used to. I used to wonder why I couldn t do de 
 same thing on de same money, but I nebber yould. 
 When de ole woman used to tell me dat sartin women 
 had new silks, new hats, new close an new shoes 
 once a month de y ar rouii , an we havin to lib clus 
 on de same money, it made me mad. Dat is, it used 
 to. When I saw men who owed fur deir washin 
 struttin aroun like lords, while I had to work seben 
 days in a week an pay my debts, I felt like smash-
 
 130 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 in frew de sidewalk. But T has got ober all dis 
 When I meet a woman who kin dress like aHbanker s 
 wife on de $10 or $12 per week paid her husband, I 
 doan low myself toeben fink about it. When I see 
 a man buyin twenty- cent cigars, sportin a cane an 
 takin champaigne, while his chillen at home am 
 bar fut, I try to believe dat it am all right. When a 
 lady wid $300 worf of close on axes me to do a job of 
 white wash in in a parlor whar de bes pictur s come 
 from a tea store an de bes cha r am under chattel 
 mortgage, I doan stop to wonder who she thinks 
 she am fool in . Nayburs ob mine who owe all de 
 butchers widin a circle of a mile, kin pay fo dollahs 
 cash fur a libery rig on Sunday an I shant criticise. 
 Wives may go shoppin ebery day in de week an 
 gin parties ebery night, an my ole w-oman will keep 
 de cabin jist de same. Since we quit wonderin an 
 speculatin ober dese tings we feel much better. We 
 know fur a fact jist how fur we kin make money go. 
 If odder folks kin lib like lords on a salary of $000 a 
 y ar it s a streak of good luck an none of our biz- 
 ness. My advice to you am to let sich fings pass. 
 Dey are mysteries wid whicli we have no bizness, 
 an de mo you ponder ober dem de less you will in- 
 joy what you have honestly aimed by hard work 
 an saved by good economy." 
 
 CAN T TELL YET. 
 
 A communication from South Carolina made in 
 quiry as to whether the Lime-Kiln Club was in har 
 mony with the various State Legislatures, and 
 BrotheivGardner replied that he could not return a 
 decided answer yet. They were in harmony on. 
 finance, foreign policy and civil service reform, and
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 131 
 
 all had faith that cold tea was good for weak eyes, 
 but they might differ on other questions. He had 
 prepared and intended to forward to the different 
 legislative bodies the following resolution: 
 
 Resolved, Dat we refuse all free passes on railroads, discourage 
 set speeches, oppose a long seshun, favor a reduction of salary, 
 an agree not to vote fur any private bills." 
 
 All those who adopted the above would be closely 
 in harmony with the Lime-Kiln Club. 
 
 ABOUT EMBLEMS. 
 
 A communication from Oberlin, 0., signed by 
 Judge Burnett, Ben Colwell, Prof. Lane and other 
 colored men of national renown, stated that the col 
 ored people of the Buckeye State had concluded to 
 adopt the sunflower as their emblem, and the assis 
 tance of the club in making it national was solicited. 
 
 " I doan take no stock in emblems," replied Brother 
 Gardner as the letter was filed for answer. " De 
 laziest crowd I eber knode had a beaver fur it s em 
 blem. I have seen a dozen saloons wid bee-hives 
 ober de doahs. A man may take a white dove fur 
 his emblem an yit keep his wife carry in a black eye 
 ten months in de y ar. If de cull d people of Ohio 
 feel de need of an emblem de sunflower is as good 
 as any odder. It s a flower which stays out all night 
 widout goin to sleep nex day. You can allus 
 tell whar to find it. It grows faster dan de tur 
 nip, an produces a bigger head dan de cucum 
 ber. Dis Club won t pledge itself to any pertickler 
 emblem at present, but will continue to do white- 
 washin at de same reasonable figgers, an put a bet 
 ter shine on a stove fur twenty-five cents dan any 
 odder Club does fur forty,"
 
 132 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 A HARD TASK. 
 
 The Committee on Pains and Anxieties, who were 
 several weeks ago ordered to investigate the subject 
 of warts , corns and bunions and report thereon, now 
 announce that their investigation had been pushed 
 as far as possible, with but few satisfactory results. 
 They would report: 
 
 1. " De wart doan amount to much onless it comes 
 on deeand of de nose. We traced it back to de y ar 
 740, an den we got tired an went home. Warts am 
 sometimes a sign of a culchured mind, an some 
 times dey ain t. De way to git shet of em is to riz 
 up at midnight fur three successive nights an make 
 faces at yerself in de lookin -glass. 
 
 2. " De co n wouldn t be noticed by any respecta 
 ble pusson if it didn t grow on de foot. We kin 
 trace it back to de drift period, an we kin give a list 
 of ober 10,000 distinguished pussons who hev had 
 from one to fo at a time. Dar am ober fifty cures 
 for co ns, not one of which am wuth shucks. One 
 of de bes remedies we know of am to hev boaf feet 
 cut off at de ankles. In dat way you am sartin to 
 git dc bulge on em. 
 
 3. "De bunion am an invenshun to take de place 
 of knockin a man down wid a rail an draggin him 
 all ober a hull county by de ha r of his head. Arter 
 a bunion freezes to you it can t be coaxed to go on a 
 wacashun, nor bribed to let go am tackle some odder 
 mortal. It goes to bed wid you an rises up wid you 
 an it neber lets you forget dat it am on hair an fully 
 prepar d fur de bizness. Pussons hev got rid of em 
 by gwine ober Niagara Falls, an by walkin on de 
 railroad track,"
 
 LIME-KlLN CLUB. 133 
 
 SWEARING OFF. 
 
 " We am now about to cloze," said the President, 
 as he looked over Waydown Bebee s head at the 
 clock, "an I want to say a word about swarin off 
 on New Y ars Day. Doan do it. De man of bad 
 habits who waits fur a sartin day in order to swar 
 off, won t reform wuth a cent. It is my opinyon dat 
 we mus take de comforts of life as we go long. If 
 you like to smoke keep on smokin . If you like to 
 chaw, keep on chawin . If you hev any pertickler 
 expreshun which you use when you stub your toes 
 agin a stone, doan let go of it simply bekase a new 
 y ar has come. All dat am spected of you am dat 
 you airn your money honestly, pay your debts 
 promptly, use your family well, an cast your infloo- 
 ence on de side of right. I shall look fur you to do 
 dis all de time, widout settin any sartin day to be 
 gin. De man who has bin waitin fur a hull y ar 
 fur de first of Jinuary to arrove so dat he can 
 promise to brace up am not wanted among us. Dis 
 Hall will be open to de public on Monday, an I here 
 by extend a hot invitashun to de Common Council, 
 Board of Educashun an odder public bodies to come 
 in purceshun an drink sweet cider from an old-fash 
 ioned tin dipper. Let us now abscond." 
 
 CHAMPION POETS. 
 
 THE Committee in whose charge the prize poems 
 on the watermelon have been given as fast as re 
 ceived since August 1st, reported that 1^6 poems had 
 been altogether received, each one written by a col-
 
 134 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ored man. The choice of the Committee had rested 
 011 the three following named efforts: 
 
 First prize "Softly Stealing Through the Melon- 
 patch," by Jimeberry Smith, of Arkansas. Mr. 
 Smith can take his choice between a hand-painted 
 back-action autograph of Capt. Kidd, or 83 in 
 money. 
 
 Second prize "Down where the Melon Pine^," 
 by Killem Davis, of Tennessee. Mr. Davis privileg 
 ed to a choice between a pen-wiper used by Oliver 
 Cromwell when he signed thn Declaration of Inde 
 pendence or a $2 bill with a corner torn off. 
 
 Third prize "Bury me Whar de Melons Glow," 
 by Destructive Skivers, of Illinois. Mr. Skivers 
 has the choice between an eight dollar note of hand 
 against William Penn or a silver dollar with a hole 
 in it. 
 
 While the Committee were limited to three prizes, 
 and while they endeavored to select the best, the 
 other 123 poets need not feel discouraged. There is 
 room for all, and those who continue to court the 
 muses must some day achieve success. Any one of 
 the rejected poems would bring the highest cash 
 price per pound even when the market was over 
 stocked. 
 
 SOME OBSERVASHUNS. 
 
 " DOORIN my three score y ars of life I hev observ 
 ed some curus things," said Brother Gardner, 
 as the thermometer showed 98 degrees and rising. 
 " I hev observed, fur instance, dat de men mos 
 cousarned bout de welfare of de kentry am de men 
 who do de least to prosper her.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 135 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat de politishun who sots out 
 to save de kentry am ginerally hauled up fur rob- 
 bin her. 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat de men who seem to hev de 
 mos sympathy fur de poo neber wait five minits to 
 foreclose a chattel mortgage. 
 
 "I hev obsarved dat good cloze an impudence 
 will pass fur riches an educashun. 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat brag an bluster am better 
 weapons dan argymeiit an truf. 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat a grand monument in a 
 graveyard doan hide de meanness of a dead man s 
 relashuns. 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat charity kin make paupers al 
 most as fast as a conflagrashun. 
 
 " I hev obsarved dat while all agree dat hon 
 esty am de best policy, not one man in a hundred 
 hesitates to work a lead nickel off on a street kyar 
 company. 
 
 " I hev obsarved many odder things equally 
 strange and inconsistent, an I am prepared to say 
 to ypu: 
 
 "Mottoes doan mean bizness. 
 
 "Maxims kin be forgotten faster dan written. 
 
 " Promises am a wheel wid one cog gone. 
 
 "Friendship will last as long as you kin afford 
 to pay ten per cent, per annum. Let us now pur- 
 ceed to bizness." 
 
 THE FIRST TWINGES. 
 
 Colonel Anniversary Williams said he took the 
 floor in the interest of 4,000,000 colored people. Dur 
 ing the past three days he had felt that uneasy mo 
 tion around his heels which precedes an outbreak of
 
 136 THE LIME- KILN CLUB. 
 
 chilblains, and by this time next week he expected 
 to have a full-grown mine on hand. This early out 
 break of symptoms was sufficient to excite the grav 
 est alarm, and he hoped the Kime-Kilu Club would 
 come to the rescue by securing a remedy at whatev 
 er cost. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to offer a reward of 
 $50 for a certain remedy, and likewise correspond 
 with the Agricultural Department and ask if Gen. 
 Le Due did not, some six or seven years ago, advise 
 chilblained patients to wear cornstalks in their 
 boots for a cure. 
 
 A DELICATE QUESTION. 
 
 A letter from a Fourth Ward Alderman in the 
 City of Mobile, contained an inquiry as to how far a 
 member of the Lime-Kiln Club was licensed to 
 save property at a fire, and Brother Gardner re 
 plied: 
 
 " Dat am a delicate queshun to handle. If a mem 
 ber of dis Club should be aroused at midnight by de 
 cry of fiah, an should find dat de flames was de- 
 vourin de grocery on de co ner, he would naturally 
 feel like rushin in an helpin to remove de sugar, 
 an coffee, an codfish an flour. In his excitement 
 an zeal, he might tote some of de stuff home to 
 keep it from de flames. I doan say dat de only 
 safe plan am to sit on top de fence an see de stuff 
 burn up, but I warn all members of dis Club to keep 
 so powerful cool in time of fiah dat a sarch warrant 
 nex day won t turn up a box of soap in de hen 
 coop."
 
 THE LIME KILN CLUB. 13? 
 
 RESOLUTION OF SYMPATHY. 
 
 Giveadam Jones then offered the following one- 
 horse resolution: 
 
 " Resolved, Dat dis Club extends its heartfelt sympathy to the 
 people of each an ebery State in which there am to be a Session 
 of de Legislachure dis winter." 
 
 The resolution was adopted by a vote of 1G8 to 1, 
 Elder Toots voting in the negative to spite Samuel 
 Shin for waking him out of his first nap. 
 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 THE Committee on Agriculture submitted its reg 
 ular quarterly report through the Chairman, Prof. 
 J. Skyhoof, who is now in constant correspondence 
 with the heads of all agricultural bureaus in the 
 world. The report showed: 
 
 1. That the soothing-syrup plant can be success 
 fully cultivated as far north as Michigan, and that 
 the crop always averages fair to medium, no matter 
 what the season. 
 
 2. Speckled cabbage is steadily growing in favor, 
 and will eventually drive all other styles out of the 
 market. 
 
 3. It costs no more to raise an acre of carrots than 
 it does to raise an acre of old stumps, thistles, bob 
 sleds, broken down wagons and used-up plow-points, 
 and a roasted carrot will cure the worst case of ear 
 ache in seven minutes by the watch. 
 
 The Committee recommended the use of windmills 
 wherever there is any more wind than needed by 
 local politicians, and have the fullest confidence that 
 the Dairy interests of America can be greatly in 
 creased by milking the cows on the left-hand side.
 
 138 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 RESOLUTION DEFEATED. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock offered the following resolu 
 tion: 
 
 "Resolved, Dat de Lime-Kiln Club will use its innocence on all 
 possible occashuns to suppress de brutal and barbarous bizness of 
 prize-fightin . 
 
 Medicated French called for the ayes and noes on 
 the resolution, and without further remark the roll 
 was called and the resolution was voted down by a 
 majority of thirty-six. 
 
 " While dis Club may not favor prize fightin ," ob 
 served the president, " it seems to hold dat if two 
 brutes want to go out an pound each odder to pieces 
 it am cheaper to get rid of em dat way dan to hang 
 em." 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 Among the the thirty odd applicants for member 
 ship were two of the most famous colored men in 
 America Gen. Napoleon Dodo, of Toronto, who 
 first applied sour milk and mashed potatoes for the 
 cure of chilblains, and Judge Slipback Cassowary, 
 of Virginia, who invented three different attitudes 
 for safely milking a kicking cow. Both of them 
 have stood in the shadow of the Pyramids, floated 
 on the Nile, climbed the mountains of Switzerland 
 and been swindled at Niagara Falls. They are now 
 ready to join the Lime-Kiln Club, buy a checker 
 board and a corn-cob pipe and settle down for a life 
 of domestic peace. 
 
 INDEMNITY WANTED. 
 
 The Secretary announced a letter from a Mrs. 
 Wallaby Smith, of St. Thomas, Ont., demanding
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 139 
 
 $1,000 of the Club to indemnify her for the loss of 
 her husband. Against her earnest protest he had 
 decided to become a member of the Club, and while 
 on his way to the postoffice to mail his application 
 he fell over an embankment and broke his neck. 
 The Club was therefore responsible for the accident, 
 and the $1,000 could be forwarded by express or draft 
 on New York. The Secretary was instructed to deny 
 jurisdiction and responsibility, and to vigorously de 
 fend any attempt to deplete the treasury. 
 
 ONLY SONS AND A PROTEST. 
 
 IF I had an only son," began the old man as the 
 lights were turned up and Biblical disputes suddenly 
 ceased, " if I had an only son, an he growed up as 
 only sons are pretty sartin to do, an he went off on 
 a Sunday skule picnic an got drowned, I should feel 
 a leetle sorry an a heap thankful. If I had an only 
 darter, an she growed up as only darter s allus 
 grow, an she run away wid a lightnin -rod man an 
 was left in de po -house, I should be a leetle sorry 
 but not a bit surprised. De family wid an only son 
 or an only darter needs no odder trouble. When 
 you meet a man who carries his cigars in his hind 
 pocket an goes off behind de barn to take a chew of 
 terbacker, sot him down fur an only son. When 
 you meet a man who flusters an brags an seeks to 
 lord it ober odder people you have foun an only son. 
 When you meet a man who finks de world was 
 made fur him alone you have met an only son. De 
 only son am de man who takes up two seats in de 
 kyars who crowds de chill en at a festival who
 
 140 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 eats hisself sick when he pays two shillins fur all he 
 kin eat. I doan say dat he am to blame, but I do 
 say dat de world feels relieved when he goes to his 
 grave. Once in a life-time you may h ar of an only 
 son who hasn t turned de family out of doahs nor 
 had all de nayburs fur a mile aroun shoot at him 
 an offer to buy him a tombstone, but be keerful how 
 you believe it. 
 
 " When you meet a woman who puts you in mind 
 of selfishness out fur an airin , sot her down as an 
 only darter. When you fin a woman who expects 
 de kyar to stop in de middle of a block when you 
 meet a woman whose husband am allus ready to 
 dodge, sot her down fur an only darter. De only 
 darter grows up to whine an complain an tyranize 
 an make de world mo wretched fur people wretch- 
 nuff befo . De odder day I was called upon to go 
 ober to a naybur s an box de years of an only darter 
 whose poo ole mudder lay upon a bed of sickness, 
 an I must say dat I kinder enjoyed it. Dat same 
 ebenin I was called upon to visit anoder naybur 
 whose only son wanted to sell de family cook stove 
 to buy him a yaller dog an a single-barreled shot 
 gun. I had a short struggle wid de young man, an 
 he won t be out of bed fur a week to come. 
 
 "My exper ence is dat a family which de Lawd 
 has forsaken arter sendin one chile, has woe an 
 sorrow in de household. Selfishness takes root dar 
 an grows amazin fast. Wickedness creeps in dar 
 an neber lets go. De small-pox kin be stamped out 
 de yaller fever mus give way to frost de cholera 
 only settles down heah an dar , but de only chile 
 am allus wid us, he or she meets us ebery day, 
 walks wid us f rew life brings upon us de larger
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 141 
 
 sheer of our miseries. Pity de f adder vvid an only 
 son thrice pity de mudder wid an only darter. 
 Wid dese few configgerashuns, frown out in a 
 speerit of astonishment an intensity meant to ac 
 complish no desirability in pertickler, we will now 
 close de winders, put a leetle mo wood in de stove, 
 an purceed to asphyxiate de transcedent order of de 
 inviduous programme." 
 
 SETTLED. 
 
 * Of course, the Rev. Penstock arose. He couldn t 
 stand that motion. He inquired if it was the inten 
 tion of the Chair to let those last remarks he spread 
 upon the regular minutes of the meeting? 
 
 " It am, was the quiet reply. 
 
 " Den I protest. De language am unparliamenta 
 ry an foreign to de pint." 
 
 " Brudder Penstock, do you charge dis Cheer wid 
 usin foreign language?" 
 
 " No, sah! I charge de Cheer wid makin bad use 
 of de English language." 
 
 "Brudder Penstock, you jined dis Club fo y ars 
 ago. You am a preacher of de Gospel, an you has 
 trabeled. You has bin down to Tennessee, Ken 
 tucky, Georgia, South Carolina, an Alabama. You 
 imagine dat you has seen de elefant an tooken in 
 de circus. On varus occaslmns you has disinterrup- 
 ted de harmony of de meetin to k rect de language 
 of dis Cha r, an on varus odder occashuns you has 
 intimated dat de purceedins lacked chic an tone. 
 Bekase you know what sic semper cum digis solis 
 pluribus curantea means in English, you regard de 
 rest of us as poo ignorant black trash. Brudder
 
 142 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Penstock, you has reached de end of de clothes 
 line!" 
 
 "But, sah but 
 
 "An you must stop! I ze bin lected ober all op- 
 posishun to run dis Club. You mus not disinterfere 
 wid me. If you persist in so doin I gib you fa r 
 warnin dat I shall lay aside Mr. Cushin s manual, 
 walk down de aisle, an move de prevus queshun in 
 such a manner as will seriously interfere wid your 
 feelin s. Drap back on your cheer, Brudder Pen 
 stock drap back." 
 
 "Brother, Penstock " (trapped," but he is a man 
 who can t be long suppressed. 
 
 DBED SCOTT DECISION. 
 
 WILL Brudder Dred Scott Hastings step dis way ?" 
 blandly inquired the President after the votes were 
 counted. 
 
 Brother Scott stepped up with a grin on his face 
 as if he expected to draw a chromo, and the Presi 
 dent continued: 
 
 " Brudder Hastings, fo weeks ago you was tooken 
 sick." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 "You called in de doctor, put a hot brick to yer 
 feet an sent word to our Relief Committee to file 
 your claim for $3 per week." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " Dat committee reported favorably on your case, 
 an de money was sent you $3 per week fur two 
 weeks. Your illness was said to be chills an fever," 
 was it, sah,"
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 143 
 
 "Just so; but what brung em on? Brudder Hast 
 ings, I diskivered yesterday dat you got into a dis 
 pute wid a naybur about de aige of Moses when he 
 died, had a fight an was knocked into a ditch full 
 of water. Dat was what started your chills an 
 fever." 
 
 "I I yes, sah." 
 
 "An you lied to de Relief Committee when you 
 claimed to have got wet comiii home from a fun 
 eral!" 
 
 "I I didn t mean to, sah." 
 
 An you wilfully an maliciously put up a job to 
 rob dis Club of $<5?" 
 
 " I ll pay it back, sah." 
 
 " No, you won t! You haven t seen de time in de 
 last fifteen y ars dat you had $0 to spar . Dat money 
 am gone, an you am gwine to follow arter it! You 
 kin take down your hat an walk out of Paradise 
 Hall fur de las time. We want no men in dis club 
 dat cares wheder Moses was seventy or 700 y ars old 
 when he died, an we will not keep de name of a liar 
 an deceiver on our books. Walk out, Misser Hast 
 ingswalk right out." 
 
 Mr. Hastings walked and it was noticed that sev 
 eral parties near the water-pail looked as if they ex 
 pected another bomb- shell to fall somewhere. 
 
 A GREAT GAIN. 
 
 "GEM LEN," began the old man as the dust settled 
 down a little, " I war called upon las evenin* by de 
 Hon. Joseph Jackson, of Kenedy. I spect dat man 
 am one of de biggest cull d orators in dis kentry, an,
 
 144 THE- LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 dat what he doaii know am not worf knowin . Ar- 
 ter we had talked an talked, he squar d off to me an 
 says he: Brudder Gardner, you hev bin runnin 
 dat Lime-Kiln Club eanemoas two hull y ars. De 
 purceedins hev purceeded reg larly, an heaps of biz- 
 ness hez bin split to pieces, but what hez bin gained? 
 What good hez dat Club did? Who has been made 
 gooder? I could hev made de ole Canuck a speech 
 fo hours long in reply. What hez dis Club did? 
 Two y ars ago de cull d men in dis town war pullin 
 an haul in dis way an dat way. cuttin down on de 
 prices of whitewashin an cuttin up on de prices of 
 stove-blackin . Nobody seemed to know nuffin . 
 Our Samuel Shin didn t know miff to peel onions, 
 an now he am de leader of a string band, belongs 
 to de church an hez a barber shop. Waydown Be- 
 bee couldn t even read an was in rags; to-day he kin 
 read an write an figger, wars good clothes, an who 
 keeps a better barber shop dan Brudder Bebee? 
 Elder Toots, ober dar, was in de jug, his wife had 
 run d away, an life was nuffin to him. Am dar a 
 happier man in dis town now dan Uncle Toots? I 
 kin show you forty men who hev Famed to read. I 
 kin show you big changes in home circles. I kin 
 show you dat dis Club has paid off debts, re-united 
 families, clothed children, helped de sufferin an 
 put pride into low-down hearts. Isn t dat nuff ? Am 
 dar any member who could ax fur more? " 
 
 Speeches were made by Sir Isaac Walpole, the 
 Rev. Penstock, Josephus Bottle and others, and 
 every member of the Club seemed satisfied that the 
 workings of the Club had been all that could be ex 
 pected.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 145 
 
 ABOUT KIND WORDS. 
 
 " I SAW in de papers de odder day," began the old 
 man, after carefully wiping the top of his head, " a 
 leetle item bout speakin kind words to our fellow- 
 men as we trabbel de highway of life. Dat s easy 
 nuff to do, an a mighty cheap way of scrubbin 
 long, but I doan want nobody to practice it on me. 
 If I use dem right; dey will use me right, an we kin 
 trade kind words. If you meet a man in de gutter, 
 doan stand on de sidewalk an tell him dat you am 
 ready to bust wid sorrow, an dat you solemnly wish 
 he wouldn t do so any mo . Stan him on his feet 
 an start him fur home, an let his wife an de poker 
 run de kind word bizness, or hunt fur a purleceman 
 an have de drunkard boosted for sixty days. If you 
 meet a poo man, whose wife am lyin dead in de 
 house, doan wipe yer eyes an rattle yer chin an tell 
 you d jine de funeral purceshun if you only had a 
 mule. Walk right down inter yer west pocket fur 
 half yer week s wages to help pay fur de coffin an 
 odder expenses. If you meet a feller-man who am 
 out of wood an meat an flour, an has a broken arm 
 to excuse it, doan pucker yer mouth an tell him dat 
 de Lawd will purvide. De Lawd doan furnish pur- 
 vishuns fur dis market. Instead of droppin a tear 
 of sorrow on de doah-step, step aroun to de wood- 
 yai d an de grocer s an lay down de cash to feed an 
 warm de family fur a fortnight. 
 
 " When I meet a leetle gal who has lost her doll- 
 baby, or a leetle boy who has stubbed his toe, I take 
 ? em up in my arms an wipe deir leetle noses an sot 
 em down wid a handful of peanuts. When I meet 
 a widder who am out of wood, an old man who has 
 bin turned out doahs, or a workin man whose home
 
 146 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 am under de shadder of death, I doan lean on de 
 fence an look to Heaben fur relief. If 1 ze got a 
 dollar I lend it out. I lend it or give it, or make 
 em take it, an if Heaben does anyfing furder dat s 
 extra. When you read dat it am easy to speak kind 
 words, jist reflect dat it am also de cheapest way in 
 de world to help a naybur. Turnips am quoted at 
 forty cents a bushel; kind words have no value in 
 de market. Let us now attack de reg lar order of 
 bizness " / 
 
 V A DANGEROUS FAILURE. 
 
 At this juncture the Keeper of the Pass-Word an 
 nounced that Prof. Boliver Jackson, of Halifax, No 
 va Scotia, was present with his Back-Action, Three- 
 Ply, Full-Jewelled Heel-Compressor, and would like 
 to give an exhibition before the Club. Brother Gar 
 dner explained that the Secretary had had some cor 
 respondence with the inventor, and that the gentle 
 man had come on at his own expense. There were 
 colored people just foolish enough to feel ashamed of 
 the long heels given them by nature to make their 
 mark in the world, and this Heel- Compressor had 
 been invented to reshape the foot. He was perfect 
 ly satisfied with his own feet, but he would have the 
 machine brought in and let any member of the Club 
 try it. Prof. Jackson was accordingly admitted, 
 and he placed his invention in the center of the 
 room and delivered a short lecture on his long strug 
 gle to secure what the colored race had so long 
 sighed for. He warranted it to work smoothly, ev 
 enly and satisfactorily in all respects, and Pickles 
 Smith volunteered his feet to he experimented on. 
 Pulling off one of his cow-liicjes he placed his right
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 147 
 
 foot in the box, and the Professor began turning the 
 crank and singing: " We Shall Never Meet Again." 
 At the seventh turn of the crank the springs encoun 
 tered a corn fourteen years old on Brother Smith s 
 heel, and an explosion took place which knocked the 
 Professor down, pitched Samuel Shin into the wood- 
 box, and shot Smith headlong down the Hall on his 
 stomach. Five of the lamps were extinguished, one 
 of the bear-traps thrown down, and 117 new cracks 
 appeared in the ceiling. It was a great wonder 
 that no one was killed, as pieces flew here and 
 there, and one cog-wheel weighing four pounds was 
 hurled through a window and knocked a shower of 
 shingles off an ice house. There was great confus 
 ion for two or three minutes, during which time the 
 Professor leaped from a back window into the alley 
 and escaped. 
 
 " Gem len, what does dis prove?" asked the Presi 
 dent, after order had been once more restored. " It 
 proves dat de pusson who ain t satisfied wid de way 
 Natur did her work comes next doah-to bein a fool. 
 Let dis be tooken as a solemn warnin to let our 
 heels <alone, an to banish all feelin agin de white 
 man kase he has straight h ar." 
 
 THE AMENDE HONORABLE. 
 
 As soon as the meeting opened in due form Give- 
 adam Jones secured the floor and stated that he de 
 sired to render justice to an innocent man who had 
 been dwelling under a cloud of suspicion for the 
 past week. It had been hinted around that the Hon. 
 Burdock Cantelope, acting as Janitor during the ab-
 
 148 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 sence of Samuel Shin at Long Branch, had em 
 bezzled a large sum of money. His account, as 
 handed to the Secretary for approval, read as follows : 
 
 1881. 
 
 1 quart oil 10 
 
 1 lamp wick 1 
 
 1 cup 5 
 
 Total 1,881 16 
 
 It appeared from the above that the Hon. Cante- 
 lope had used up $1,881 for which he could render no 
 account, and the Committee on Finance were or 
 dered to investigate, and empowered to send for per 
 sons and papers. After a long wrestle with the mys 
 tery it was discovered that the Janitor had added 
 the year to his expense account and thus made him 
 self a seeming embezzler. The investigation had 
 cleared his character as white as bleached cotton at 
 fifteen cents a yard, and the Finance Committee 
 had given him a vote of confidence. 
 
 A MISS. 
 
 The Secretary announced the receipt of a telegram 
 from the Hon. Burk weather Skipp, the "Web-footed 
 Orator of the Wabash River," stating that he had 
 missed the freight train and would not be on hand 
 to deliver his lecture on " The Modern Abuses of the 
 Stomach." 
 
 " Wall, we ll have to make de bes of it, I spose," 
 sighed the President. " I know de man perfeckly 
 well, an as he am deaf in one ear, has a squint in 
 one eye, and stutters like a boy wid a marble in his 
 windpipe, I doan spose we has missed nuffin, dat 
 we can t find when we want it."
 
 THE DEFEAT OF KYFUSTUS.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 149 
 
 DISMISSED WITH COSTS. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock presented a written appeal from 
 the wife of Kyfustus St. George, stating that her 
 husband was confined to his bed and she hadn t a 
 cent in the house to get her hat re-trimmed for Sun 
 day. The Reverend backed up the appeal in a 
 speech that brought tears to the eyes of Gen. Scott, 
 and jammed Samuel Shin in between the window 
 and the wood-box so hard that it took two men to 
 pull him out. 
 
 " Brudder Penstock, did you inwestigate dis case?" 
 asked the President. 
 
 " I nebber investigate, sah, when I h ar de voice of 
 distress." 
 
 " Do you know what ails Brudder St. George?" 
 
 "I understood dat he was seized wid a chill, an 
 de arternoon I was in dar his pulse was up to fo 
 hundred, an he was outer his head, an talkin bout 
 wolves an bars." 
 
 " Jist so I see. Maybe I kin gin you some pints 
 on de case. I war out lookin fur my ole hoss de 
 odder evenin an I passed Brudder St. George s 
 cabin. He an his wife -war jawin as to which 
 owned de dog, an ten minits later, when I returned, 
 de dog was running fur de woods. Kyfustus was 
 lyin on de grass all broke up, an his wife was set- 
 tin on de fence suckin a lemon. Arter a man has 
 been knocked into de middle of Jinuary wid an ole 
 base ball bat he am quite apt to have chills an talk 
 bout wild animals. I shall dismiss de appeal wid 
 costs."
 
 150 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 IT DOAN PAY. 
 
 IT, having been officially announced that the Right 
 Very, Very Hon. Phosphate DeBar, of North Caro 
 lina, was in the ante-room, the Reception Committee 
 put on their white gloves and yellow neckties and 
 proceeded to bring in the honorable gentleman In 
 appearance he somewhat resembled George Wash 
 ington, having the same generous feet and arch of 
 eyebrow. As near as could be judged he was six 
 feet high, had two hind pockets in his pants, never 
 smoked a cigar costing less than five cents, and was 
 the sort of a man who would fish all day and never 
 swear if he didn t get a bite. When he mounted 
 the platform and bowed to right and left he was 
 welcomed with a cheer which broke four panes of 
 glass and awoke Elder Toots from his first nap. 
 
 DOES HAPPINESS PAY." 
 
 In a voice as full of music as a buzz saw cutting 
 through a side-walk spike, the Hon. De Bar an 
 nounced the subject of his remarks as above, and 
 continued: 
 
 " Philosophers an writers of all ages have told us 
 dat de hight of human ambishun was to be happy. 
 Pick up a book or newspaper an you am confronted 
 by de announcement dat one who am not happy 
 might as well be dead. We am advised an talked 
 to an written to an urged to be happy, an it am 
 all nonsense an has eber bin so. In de fust place 
 no one kin be perfeckly happy. When you get pos- 
 seshun of a great big watermellyon an sit down in 
 an alley to devour it all by yerself yer mouf waters, 
 yer back sort o humps up, an you fondly emagine
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 151 
 
 dat yoli ahl perfeckly happy. But you ain t. You 
 haven t taken ober two bites bef o you remember dat 
 de ole woman wants a porus plaster, an de chill en 
 want shoes, an de rent will be due on Saturday, an 
 a dozen odder fings cum to mind to knock yer hap 
 piness higher dan Gilderoy s corn-sheller. It s de 
 same when you play poker an 1 win ten dollars. You 
 feel happy fur de minit, an you dance arouii on one 
 leg an chuckle ober yer smartness. Den comes de 
 reaxshun. You remember dat you owe about fifty 
 dollars, an dat de wood am out, de flour-bar 1 am 
 empty, an de chill en have bin cryin fur bacon. 
 
 " In de second place, what s de use of bein happy? 
 [Sobs from Elder Toots.] Happiness doan increase 
 de price of blackin stoves. You can t charge any 
 mo for whitewashin . [Sensation behind the stove.] 
 You can t git any mo for beatin a carpet. [Groans 
 of despair.] Bein happy doan help our credit at 
 de grocer s or butcher s. [Sighs.] What dey want 
 is money an not happiness. Show me a happy man 
 who has any mo to eat an war dan an unhappy 
 one. [Distressing coughs from all over the Hall.] 
 It has bin said dat happiness am better dan riches. 
 Doan let em fool you! [Sensation.] De happy 
 man am sent to jail quite as often as de unhappy 
 one. 
 
 " In de third place, happiness am not healthy. It 
 runs into liver complaint, consumpshun an palpata- 
 tion of de h art. We am placed heah on airth to bet 
 on de losin hoss; to marry de wrong woman to 
 catch on to heaps of bad weather an deadloads of 
 tribulashun. Doan go round lookin fur a happy 
 man. If you find one he ll be somebody so soft dat
 
 152 THE LIME-KILN CLUfe. 
 
 dey have to put him on ice. Our greatest an best 
 men am de mos unhappy ones. Show me a man 
 who has lost three wives by yaller fever, six chill en 
 by the cholera, three or four houses by fire, an has 
 himself bin sent to jail on false testimony, an I will 
 show you a noble Roman. [Cheers.] Thanking 
 you fur your parsimonious imprecations, an predict- 
 in dat de time am not fur distant when de honor of 
 bein a member of de Lime-Kiln Club will be all de 
 honor one man kin lug arouii in hot weather, I now 
 deliberate towards de importunity of de infringe 
 ment, an bid you good-night." 
 
 The close was received with wild applause, dur 
 ing which the sacred bust of Andrew Jackson fell 
 from its bracket and was broken into seven pieces. 
 
 AS YOU FIND HIM. 
 
 "WHEN I shake hands wid a stranger," said 
 Brother Gardner, as silence fell upon the members, 
 " I doan care two cents wheder his great-gran - 
 fadder was a Cabinet Officer or a cobbler; wheder 
 his own gran fadder sold silk or kaliker; wheder his 
 fadder was a cooper or a statesman. De man I hev 
 to deal wid am de man befo me, an not de dust an 
 bones an coffins of his predecessors. He may size 
 up well, or he may run to remnants; he may be 
 square or he may be a bilk; he may be honest, or he 
 may hev de right bower up his sleeve dat am fur 
 me to find out. 
 
 " I doan propose to jine hands wid a stranger be- 
 kase his gran fadder cum ober wid de Pilgrims. 
 Neither shall I lend five dollars to one of my own
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 153 
 
 color on de ground dat his uncle weighed a ton an 
 shook hands with three different Presidents. What 
 a man am, an wedder his fadder was a poet or a 
 blacksmith, won t make him any better or wuss. 
 Size up your man on his own personal shape. 
 
 It doan matter to you what sort of a head his 
 fadder had, or how big his uncle s feet were, he am 
 de man you am doin bizness wid. De pusson who 
 trabels from dis kentry on nothing but de record 
 made by some relative half a century since, will 
 land in jail as soon as in good society. When I hev 
 any plug tobacker to spare, de man whose fadder 
 didn t do anything but mind his own bizness an 
 purvide fur his own family, will git it quite as soon 
 as de man whose fadder diskivered a comet or pre 
 dicted airthquake. 
 
 " I want each an ebery member of dis Club to 
 stand on his own shape. If he am fast color dat s 
 all we want to know. If he crocks or fades in de 
 washin he must step down an out. De fack dat 
 Samuel Shin s fadder was lected to de South Caroli 
 na Legislature doan prove dat Samuel hisself knows 
 beans from hoss-barns. Likewise de fack dat Give- 
 adam Jones had an uncle hung fur stealiii corn 
 doan go to prove dat it would be safe to leave our 
 brudder in a grocery store for half an hour while 
 de clerk went out arter change. When a man 
 boasts dat one of de family signed de Declarashun 
 of Independence, doan you take his note widout a 
 good indorser. People who lay back on notlim but 
 de glory of de dead or de statesmanship of some one 
 who sot in Congress a hundred years ago am jist as 
 apt to work off a bogus dollar on a sore-eyed railroad
 
 154 fttfi LiMti-iaLN CLUB. 
 
 conductor as a man whose geological tree has a 
 baker hangin to ebery limb." 
 
 Giveadam Jones was on his feet before the Presi 
 dent ceased speaking, and he wanted to know if the 
 remark in regard to his absent-minded uncle was a 
 personal fling at him. Samuel Shin likewise de 
 sired to know if the President had intended to hold 
 his lack of education to the contempt of the world 
 at large. Brother Gardner replied that he had used 
 them simply to illustrate points, and but for a slip 
 of the tongue he would have had the uncle steal the 
 whole outfit of a national bank instead of three 
 bushels of corn. 
 
 ON TERMS. 
 
 THE Secretary announced a letter from New York 
 asking if the Lime-Kiln Club was on friendly terms 
 with Congress, and prepared to work in harmony 
 with it during the coming session. Reports to the 
 contrary were abroad in the East, and the friends of 
 the Club were anxious to know how matters stood. 
 
 ".So fur as my offishul knowledge goes, dis Club 
 an Congress am on de best terms," replied Brother 
 Gardner. " While I am opposed to any ideah look- 
 in towards de consolidashun of de two bodies, I still 
 believe dat de welfare of de kentry requires us to 
 work in harmony. We are willin to meet dat com 
 paratively influ^nshul body half way in matters look- 
 in to de good of de kentry. To prove to de kentry 
 at large dat dis Club does not desire to monopolize 
 entire public attenshun doorin de comin winter, I 
 will appint Waydown Bebee, Givedam Jones an
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 155 
 
 Holdback White as a committee to confer wid an 
 equal number of Congressmen to agree upon a mutual 
 course to be pursued fur de next six months." 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to forward a certi 
 fied copy of this action to David Davis, and to re 
 quest that gentleman to name his committee as soon 
 as convenient. 
 
 NOT ONE CASE. 
 
 The President stated that he had been asked on 
 several different occasions if the aesthetic lunacy 
 had visibly affected the colored people of the North. 
 His own personal observation had not furnished any 
 evidence in the affirmative, but he would like to hear 
 members express themselves. 
 
 Kyhaven Johnson said that a neighbor of his had 
 run all over town to purchase a second-hand bed 
 stead, and that she had finally secured one twenty- 
 three years old, but he thought from the hot water 
 treatment given it, that she did not prize it as a 
 relic. 
 
 Trustee Fullback knew of a case where a colored 
 man had paid seven dollars for a coat supposed to 
 be twenty-eight years old, but it afterwards came 
 out that he expected to find money in the lining. 
 
 Elder Toots said that his third wife had evinced a 
 desire to pay seventy-five cents for an old earthern 
 platter which had come over in the Mayflower, 
 but when informed that if she did she would go 
 without shoes all winter, she had said no more on 
 the subject. 
 
 As far as could be ascertained from the best posted 
 members, the colored element are entirely free 
 from lunacy, and not likely to be affected this 
 year.
 
 150 THE LIME-KILN CLUE. 
 
 A RARE GIFT. 
 
 After the election, Brother Gardner announced 
 that he had received notice of the shipment to the 
 Club of a rare gift to the museum, being a No. 8 
 shoe unearthed from the ruins of Troy by Dr. 
 Schliemann. The sole of the shoe bears the letter 
 " H," and is supposed to have belonged to Helen of 
 Troy, as she is known to have worn a shoe of that 
 number. The gift is from the Colored Art Associa 
 tion of Pennsylvania, before which society Brother 
 Gardner will deliver an essay on "Ancient Bun 
 ions." The Secretary was instructed to return 
 thanks, and the relic was orderdto be placeed direct 
 ly over the bear trap. 
 
 HIS ODE. 
 
 Waydown Bebee then arose and presented the 
 Club with the following original ode : 
 
 DE WATERMELLYON. 
 
 Oblong an luscious 
 
 Black seeds or white 
 Lemme devour you 
 
 Outer my sight. 
 
 Mottled or speckled, 
 
 t Thick rind or thin; 
 
 Devoid of all cramps, 
 Colic an sin. 
 
 Georgia or Jarsey, 
 
 Speckled or spotted ; 
 Dose who doan like em 
 
 Orter be shotted. 
 
 There being no further business in the ice-box the 
 meeting adjourned for one week.
 
 WAYDOWN BEBEE.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 157 
 
 SARTIN PEOPLE. 
 
 "WHAT I was gwine to remark," began the old 
 man as he took an undissolved troche from his 
 mouth and placed it on a corner of his desk, "was 
 to de effect dat it am none of our bizness what our 
 nayburs do, onless dey f row stones at our dog or toss 
 deir oyster cans ober our fences. One great cause 
 of so much unhappiness arises from de fack dat sar- 
 tin people want to know all about sartin odder peo 
 ple. Frinstance, Deacon Turner s wife runs ober to 
 my house an tells my wife dat Elder Dorker s wife 
 has got a new bonnet dat neber cost less dan $12. 
 De Elder am workin on a straight salary of $8 per 
 week, an he has a wife an four chilFen. How can 
 he save up $12 on sich a salary as dat? How did his 
 wife git dat bonnet? An what cheek fur a poo 
 woman who can t set table for seben nor ride on de 
 street kyar once a week to flam out in dat manner! 
 De wimin sot dar an talk an wonder an get mad 
 an want ter pull har, an I slip out an go to pullin 
 weeds in de garden. Its nobody s bizness how she 
 got dat bonnet, an yit some folks feel sick bekase 
 dey can t find out. 
 
 "My ole woman goes down town to buy three 
 towels wid a red border, a spool of No. GO white 
 thread, an half a yard of linen to make me some 
 cuffs. She am as pleasant as a June mawnin when 
 she starts out, but when she returns dar am a hull 
 cyclone in her left eye. She pens me up in a corner 
 an demands to know how de gals dat stan behind 
 de sto counters fur three, four an five dollars a week 
 kin pay bo d an washin and dress in silks and sat-r 
 JUS, I can t tell, an cte Jess I know bout it de
 
 158 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 der she gets; an bime-by dar cums a climax an 
 somebody gets hurt. If a gal can make fo dollars 
 a week go furder dan I kin make twenty, dat snone 
 o my bizness or your bizness. 
 
 " De odder day my ole woman cum home from 
 Jedge Blank s an said dat de Jedge s hired girl had 
 gin em notice dat she was abo-ut to go to de kentry 
 on her annual six weeks wacation. Mrs. Gardner 
 was hopin mad, but I was as cool as a red-hot crow 
 bar. Why shouldn t a hired gal want to go to de 
 kentry an have a rest from breakin dishes an kick- 
 in tin war aroun de kitchen? It improves her com- 
 plexshun, braces up her form, shapes her feet, an 
 often results in her marryin a millionaire. If de 
 Jedge and his family can t afford to go, dat s nuffin 
 to do wid de servant. 
 
 " Mrs. Kernul Dash was axin my ole woman only 
 last nite if she couldn t hunt her up a seamstress 
 who d be kind an obleegin nuff to do a few day s 
 work at twelve shilliii s a day. She won t git one. 
 Dis am de season when de poo, overworked an half 
 paid seamstress packs her trunk, draws her money 
 from de bank, an hies to de seashore to secure de 
 benefits of de ozone an salt-water bathin . Arter 
 dey reach Long Branch it am hard to tell one of em 
 from de wife of a banker or broker, but dat s none 
 of our bizness. Let yer naybur save, squander, 
 keep sober, git drunk, war good cloze or ole cloze 
 its nuffin to you. Let us now extricate ourselves up 
 on de reg lar order of bizness." 
 
 SOME VALUABLE RELICS. 
 
 SINCE the last meeting, the friends of the Club in 
 yarious localities have bestirred themselves, and the
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 159 
 
 Janitor has been kept busy receiving and opening 
 boxes sent by express. Some one at Elmira, N. Y., 
 forwarded a padlock weighing four pounds, and 
 warranted to be the padlock used by William Penn 
 to fasten his smokehouse door. A friend at Freder- 
 icksburg, Md., forwarded the hat worn by Gen. 
 Jackson at the battle of New Orleans. It shows 
 seventeen bullet holes and any amount of old age, 
 and will be highly prized by the Club. A party in 
 North Carolina forwarded a four-gallon jug full of 
 tar, to be used in greasing the hinges of the doors 
 and stoves in Paradise Hall, and the Janitor kept his 
 nose in the jug for the greater portion of two days. 
 Some kind friend in Chicago forwarded the tin cof 
 fee-pot used by Martha Washington, and parties at 
 Indianapolis sent on a beautiful cabinet photograph 
 of the last negro murderer in that State. Paradise 
 Hall has not only become a place of meeting for the 
 Historic Club, but a museum and an art gallery of 
 no mean reputation. 
 
 NO NAMES MENTIONED. 
 
 " Gem len," said the President, as he looked down 
 upon the bald pate of Brutus Stivers, " I believe dat 
 de good times so long hoped for an talked about am 
 now on deck. I believe dat dar am a better show 
 for workin men to-day dan at any time since Jay 
 Cooke went an fetched dat panick on de kentry. 
 W T ages am good, craps are big, money am plenty, 
 an you kin buy a swaller-tailed coat good miff fur 
 Sunday wear fur about five dollars. Yes, de good 
 times am heah, but dat am no excuse fur de poo 
 man to hanker arter dose fings which belong to de 
 rich,
 
 160 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "Last week I was told dat six different members 
 of dis Club had dun gone an rented lock boxes at de 
 post-office. I won t menshun any names, but I want 
 it understood dat I frown upon any sich piece of ex 
 travagance. I doan believe dar s a nigger in dis 
 city who gets ober one letter per week, an de ideah 
 of rentin a box an gittin. a key an flourishin 
 around am all nonsense. De money paid out dat 
 way orter buy shoes fur de chilFen, or taters fur de 
 celler, an we all know it. Las Sunday I saw cer 
 tain members of dis Club ridin out wid livery rigs. 
 I doan call any names, but I know dat dose men 
 doan airn ober eight dollars a week at de best. Dar 
 dey was, whoopin aroun an heapin on style, when 
 dey could no mo afford it dan I kin afford to white 
 wash de Capitol at Washington fur de sum of fifteen 
 cents an board myself. I tell you dat it doan pay 
 in de long run. You may fink it looks gorgeous to 
 see a nigger airnin eight dollars a week seated be 
 hind a speckled hoss hitched to a top-kerridge, but 
 you am softly mistaken. It looks like somebody 
 would be eatin thin johnny-cake an cheap lasses 
 nex Jinuary." 
 
 A VAIN APPEAL. 
 
 The contents of a formidable-looking envelope on 
 the desk were next made known by the Secretary. 
 The communication was from Casabianca J. Jones, 
 an honorary member, residing in Philadelphia. 
 While on the roof of a building to see a circus pro 
 cession pass along the street, he had fallen through 
 a photographer s sky-light and sustained severe in 
 juries. The photographer had refused to settle for 
 personal damages, Casabianca appealed to the Club
 
 THE LIME KILN CLUB. 161 
 
 to stand by him and aid him to carry his case to the 
 courts. 
 
 "I move dat dis Club extends its heart-felt sympa* 
 thies an forward de money to pay a lawyer," 
 promptly responded Lord By run. Throgs from the 
 back end of the Hall. 
 
 " Bmdder Throgs," began the President, as he rose 
 up and bent his gaze that way, "daramno doubt 
 in my mind dat you know all about de bizness of 
 stuffin sassage an prepariir root beer, kase I has seen 
 you at work; but when it comes down to a queshun 
 of law, you may be as badly mistaken as de nigger 
 who picked up a red-hot horse-shoe in dc blacksmif 
 shop. While it am de dooty of dis Club to purtect 
 an assist members, what do we know of de per- 
 ticklers of dis case? De pints of law in de case am 
 seberal. De lawyers would ax how high de buildin 
 was; if it was brick or wood; whose circus was 
 passin long; if dat circus had de only sea-lion in dis 
 kentry; if de photographer was at home or down to 
 de sea-shore; if Brudder Jones was standin still or 
 gallopin aroun ; if he was gwine inter dat circus on 
 a ticket or meant to crawl under de canvas, an 
 whar would dis Club be when de jury got frew wid 
 de case? We doan take no ackshun till we git big 
 ger perticklers, an eben den we must go ahead as 
 keerfully as a hen walkin a picket-fence." 
 
 A PROJECT KILLED. 
 
 Maj Ahbury Congreeve gained the floor and the 
 recognition of the Chair, and said he had a matter 
 of great importance to communicate to the Club. 
 He had long been of the idea that Paradise Hall 
 should be connected with a gymnasium for the use
 
 162 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 of colored people only, and he was willing fo^ one 
 to take a liberal amount of stock in a project o^ the 
 kind and become a liberal patron. He believer! that 
 muscular development meant long life, and it had 
 pained him to discover that the colored people of 
 Detroit had of late years entirely neglected muscular 
 development, and that death was busy in their 
 ranks. 
 
 " Gem leii," replied Brother Gardner, as he pushed 
 up his sleeve, " I ze got muscle nuff to frow a tramp 
 ober two fences an a row of tater-hills, an I got it 
 all at de wood-pile. Right in dis room are ober fifteen 
 members who am above sixty y ars ole an in debes 
 of health. We hevn t lost but one member by death 
 in ober two y ars, an green apples was de cause of 
 dat. We doan want any better health, an we doan 
 want any mo muscle. If we do, we kin secure it at 
 de wood-pile, in de garden, or by handlin de brush. 
 De man who keeps hisself clean, goes to bed airly, 
 has solid food an lets whisky alone, will live jist as 
 long as de Lawd intended he should, an dat s long 
 nuff fur anybody. If Brudder Congreeve wants 
 more muscle I kin git him a job of unloadin a sand- 
 scow. We will now strike de trinngle, raise our 
 voices in song, an den walk de sev ral ways to our 
 homes, grateful dat catfish hev got down to six 
 cents a pound, an thankful dat de price of white- 
 washin remains firm an de market steady." 
 
 ENDIN UP. 
 
 A YALLER dog belonging to Samual Shin was 
 dropped out of the alley window, Trustee Fullback
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 163 
 
 got his feet into the wood-box, and the President 
 fined Cadaver Smith four dollars for upsetting the 
 water- pail into Elder Dunbar s brogans. Then he 
 stood up and began: 
 
 " In lookin ober de papers I see predickshuns dat 
 de world am to come to an eand. Las nite several 
 cull d pussons called at my cabin, deir brefs smell- 
 in of onions an deir eyes bulged out, an dey want 
 to know what dis Lime-Kiln Club am gwine to do 
 about it. Dey w\ r is de scartest lot of niggers I ve 
 seen since de close of de war, an I couldn t get dem 
 out of de house till I d cut a big watermelon lyin on 
 de ice fur breakfast. I laid awake all night finkin 
 what dis Club could do in de case, an long bout 
 daylight I cum to de conclushun dat we couldn t 
 help it. If de world wants to eand its gwine to do 
 it in spite of us." 
 
 There was a decided sensation in the Hall. The 
 Rev. Penstock said he d like to draw his salary six 
 months in advance. Way down Bebee favored going 
 to Canada until after the world had got through 
 ending. Elder Toots awoke and moved the previous 
 question, and Samuel Shin begged to inquire if the 
 coming judgment day also included the white folks. 
 If it did lie was willing to take his chances; if not, 
 he should demand that the Civil Rights bill be en 
 forced at once. 
 
 "Gem len," continued the President, as a look of 
 silent scorn crept over his face, " I hezn t got much 
 to say on dis subjeck. De world may eand up on 
 de date menshuned, just as de papers predick, but 
 my advice to de cull d folkses of dis kentry is to 
 wait ill dey smell sulphur mighty strong befo dey
 
 1G4: THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 own up liftiir any chickens off de roost! We will 
 now include to bizness." 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 The petitions numbered twenty-eight, and in 
 cluded two men with a wooden leg apiece, and one 
 man with a cataract on his eye and a touch of liver 
 complaint. Electricity Bombshell, of Wayne, Mich., 
 stated in his petition that he owned three dogs and 
 wore a red woolen shirt and a coonskin cap, but if 
 admitted to membership it must be on his own per 
 sonal merits. A colored man who goes barefooted 
 and walks in the middle of the road is no more fav 
 ored in this Club than one who dresses in broadcloth 
 and owns a ten dollar silver certificate. 
 
 FRAUDS. 
 
 A communication from Elias Tiffle Spencer, of 
 Academy Corners, Pa., disclosed the fact that a 
 young colored man of that locality, answering to 
 the name of L. Y. Gardner, was making a pretty 
 good thing of it by claiming to be Brother Gard 
 ner s eldest son. Also that another man of color 
 and cheek was selling a rat trap in that state on the 
 forged recommend of the Lime-Kiln Club, and by 
 displaying a photograph of Sir Isaac Walpole. Af 
 ter the Secretary had finished reading the communi 
 cation the President arose and said: 
 
 " Gem len, if any member of dis Club had an 
 ideali dat I had a son in Pennsylveany, I might re 
 mark dat my oldest son was a gal, a,n dat she bal 
 anced an eight-pound pumpkin de day she was born. 
 Dat s all de son I eber had, an de poo ting was 
 tooken wi(i fever an died befo she was four yars
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 165 
 
 ole. We has got some of de little dresses up home 
 in de chist, an sometimes when I go in softly by de 
 back way 1 find de ole woman kissin dem relics 
 an weepin like her ole heart meant to nebber forgit 
 dat she had bin a mother. Dis chap down dar am a 
 fraud of de fifth water, an I hereby offer a reward 
 of $10 fur his arrest. As to de rat-trap dat s anoth 
 er fraud on de Club, an if we can cotch de trapper 
 we ll put him whar de rats will step on him ebery 
 minute in de hull twenty-four hours." 
 
 A QUERY ANSWERED. 
 
 During a brief interval of silence Judge Gar- 
 nishee Johnson arose and asked the President if it 
 would not be well to discuss the Bank Panics. 
 
 " It would be well, sah, if dar was any thin to dis 
 cuss, sah," was the bland answer of the President. 
 
 " But doan you low dat a bank panic proves any- 
 fin dat might be heeded as a lesson to de cull d folks?" 
 injuired the Judge. 
 
 "Yes, sah, I does," answered Brother Gardner. 
 "It proves dat since de palmy days of de Freed- 
 man s Euro you nor no odder man has seen a nigger 
 who had a dollar to deposit in a bank or a shillin to 
 lose by a bank panic. Sot down, Judge, an rest yer 
 back." 
 
 The Judge sot. 
 
 VOTED DOWN. 
 
 Henry Plumbago, a waiter in a hotel; and a fine 
 dresser, has for some time past .had a sore on one 
 side of his nose and a mole on the other, and he is 
 continually making mistakes, and scratching the 
 one when his intentions were to scratch the other.
 
 l()rt THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Patience ceased to be a virtue at this meeting, and 
 he introduced a resolution that the Club purchase 
 for the use of members twelve hand-glasses. 
 
 " What was dat?" asked the President, as he rose 
 up and glanced down the Hall. 
 
 Henry re read his resolution, but in a very weak 
 voice, and the President replied: 
 
 * Gem len, de wery minit dis Club begins to ema- 
 gine dat one of us needs anythin more scollopy dan 
 a coarse comb, a crash towel an a hunk of bar soap 
 to keep us lookin purty, den all orgranizashun will 
 be lost, all interest die out, an de public will cease 
 to remember us. I take de liberty of puttin that res- 
 olushun in my hind pocket, an now let de triangle 
 strike, an de convention draw apart for one week." 
 
 THE CASE OF SMITH. 
 
 THERE was a look of business in both eyes as the 
 President found room for his feet on the platform 
 and blandly observed: 
 
 "Will do Hon. Injun-Rubber Smith please walk 
 dis way?" 
 
 There was a startled movement all through the 
 Hall, and Pickles Smith swallowed three of five 
 beans he was holding in his mouth and came near 
 choking to death. Mr. Smith advanced. His left 
 eye was closed and his nose was swelled to twice its 
 natural size. He slumped along to the platform and 
 squared himself before the President s desk, and 
 Brother Gardner cleared his throat and said:
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 16? 
 
 " Brudder Smith, I find by consultin de dickshun- 
 ary dat you jined dis Club about seven months ago. 
 On numerous occashuns you hev hearn it talked 
 ober heah dat none of de members should put dem- 
 selves for d in pollyticks. We know, an we have 
 talked it in dis Hall, dat de cull d race of dis kentry 
 doan know miff to leckshuneer an run campaigns, 
 an dat de white folks beat us ebery time we want 
 offis. It hez bin understood by all, dat members of 
 dis Club would go to de poll-evils an wote as dey 
 thought best, say nuffin to nobody an go home an 
 tend to bizness. Didn t you understand it dat way?" 
 
 " I speck I did." was the sullen reply. 
 
 "But at de leckshun de odder day you riz up 
 airly in de mawnin , rushed aroan to de polls, hol 
 lered for dis candydate an abused dat one, an long 
 in de evenin you got into a row an was so badly 
 pounded dat you had to be car d home on a doah. 
 What hev you got to say to all dis?" 
 
 "I spects I d better resign," replied Smith. 
 
 "Brudder Smith, you hez struck de key-note, 
 continued the President. "Dis Club accepts your 
 resignashun wid de utmost cheerfulness, an de Seck- 
 retary am instructed to draw his pen across de name 
 of de Hon. Injun-Rubber Smith an write in red ink 
 \below it: Resigned on count of his political en 
 gagements. Mr. Smith, you kin now retire an de 
 vote all yer twenty-four hours of de day to gettin 
 some white man lected to offis an bein called a fool 
 fur yer pains. Good night, sah." 
 
 Smith retired. 
 
 " Am it necessary fur me to say any fin furder on 
 dis subjeck?" asked the President, as he lookod up 
 and down the Hall.
 
 108 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " It are!" solemnly replied Elder Toots, who had 
 been dreaming of stealing hens and awoke just as 
 the police were about to overhaul him. He was 
 trotted out and fined nineteen cents for disturbing the 
 peace. And he dropped down with a sigh as 1 arge 
 as s nail-keg. 
 
 A DEFICIENCY. 
 
 Judge Sunflower Truax, Chairman of the Com 
 mittee on Foreign Relations, here announced that 
 he had a delicate mission to perform. He had been 
 requested by the new Janitor to state that there was 
 a deficiency in the cash accounts of the old Janitor. 
 The Treasurer s book showed that the Janitor should 
 turn over to his successor the sum of thirteen cents, 
 whereas he had only turned over eight. Brother 
 Gardner requested the ex -official to step forward and 
 explain, and he stood up and said: 
 
 " I tole de new Janitor all about it, an lie had no 
 bizness to raise dis fuss. Dat five cents was lost 
 down a craok in de flo out in de ante-room, an de 
 Treasurer should report it as cash on hand." 
 
 "Kin dat five cents be sawn down dar under de 
 flo ?" inquired the President, and being informed 
 that it could, he appointed a committee of two to 
 "sawn it" and report. The result was the acquital 
 of the old Janitor of the serious charge of embez 
 zlement. The committee reported that they could 
 see the nickel under the floor, and that it could be 
 recovered any time a carpenter was called in. 
 
 CORK USPONDENCE. 
 
 The Secretary reported that he was in correspon 
 dence with Profs. Watson, Swift, Peters and others
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 169 
 
 on special points in astronomy. The Lime-Kiln 
 Club does not believe that the moon is inhabited; it 
 does not believe that there are other worlds than 
 this; it does not believe that the world can revolve 
 on its axis unless the axis has something to rest on; 
 it does not believe that it is 93,000,000 miles to the 
 sun. 
 
 "We may be way behind de aige," observed the 
 President, as he cast his eyes across to a map of 
 Europe, " but we want to be suah we are right befo 
 we go ahead. If it am only fifty miles to de sun 
 what s de use of our believin dat its ten thousand 
 times furder? " 
 
 ANATOMICAL. 
 
 A letter from Cincinnati, written in very cautious 
 language and signed only by an initial, made in 
 quiries of the President of the Lime-Kiln Club as to 
 the average number of deaths in the Club, and sug 
 gesting that the writer and the President might 
 make a good thing by standing in with some medi 
 cal college and disposing of the cadavers. Great 
 indignation prevailed all through the Hall at the 
 reading of the communication, and a resolution was 
 passed authorizing the Secretary to write out and 
 post upon the door a notice offering $20 reward for 
 the arrest of the writer of the letter. 
 
 VALUABLE TIME. 
 
 " How many members of dis Club know de value 
 of Time?" asked the President, as lie looked up and 
 down the Hall and took a left handed squint at the 
 bear trap.
 
 170 THE LIME-KILN CLUS. 
 
 Some of the members shook their heads and sighed 
 as they remembered how they had wasted time 
 hunting for watermelons which were not there, and 
 after a moment the old man continued: 
 
 " I refer to de odd minits an half hours we all git 
 aroun de house. When we come home arter a 
 day s work we drap down to rest our backs befo 
 supper. We hev a leetle time in de mawnin , some 
 times a quarter of an hour at noon, an all dis time 
 added up wid a piece of chalk makes four or five 
 hours a week. Doorin de past week I hez found 
 dese few hours de most valuable of all. Wheneber 
 I hez foun a chance to drap down I hez had a book 
 handy. My spare minits fur one week figger up 
 three hours an a half, an I learned de follerin new 
 facks neber know T n to me afore, viz: Dat fleas neber 
 go in droves; dat if de sun should strike dis world it 
 would upsot all de houses; dat sunflower tea am 
 good for de mumps; dat de moon hez a certain in- 
 flooence on rats; dat de smallest star in de sky am 
 bigger n de City Hall, an dat you kin look a house 
 fly outer countenance by closin de right eye. I hez 
 fully 1 arned de value of time heretofore wasted in 
 pokin de firee or spittin on de stove, an I ze gwine 
 to make use of it. Sich members as will pledge 
 demselves to do de same will raise de right hand." 
 
 Every right hand came up, and Trustee Fullback 
 was distinctly heard telling Pickles Smith that the 
 first five minutes he could spare should be devoted 
 to finding out who invented the blue mop-handle, 
 and why it was generally preferred to the red.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLU6. It! 
 
 REMITTED. 
 
 Good old Sir Isaac Walpole descended from the 
 platform and asked the privilege of making a few 
 personal remarks. Leave being granted, he referred 
 to the case of Samuel Shin, who was fined $1,100 at 
 a previous meeting for sacrilege. He had known 
 Mr. Shin for several years, and had always respect 
 ed him as a citizen and a brother of the Club. Sam 
 uel was hilarious at times, but such was his nature. 
 He acted on the impulse of the moment, and while 
 not always right, no one would charge him with in 
 tentional wrong. He was in steady employment 
 and was now saving about sixty cents per week, 
 and it would take him over forty years to pay the 
 fine imposed. While the speaker would not for a 
 moment question the wisdom which imposed the 
 fine, he hoped that the Club would let mercy and 
 charity prevail in their hearts and give the sad- 
 hearted brother one more chance. 
 
 The Hon. Kickapoo Johnson thereupon introduced 
 a resolution remitting the fine, and it was carried by 
 a hearty and unanimous vote. 
 
 GUESS IT HAS. 
 
 The Secretary announced a communication from 
 the Secretary of the State of Kansas, asking the 
 Club if education and a higher state of civilization 
 had had any influence on the natural courage of the 
 black man. 
 
 " De Seckretary kin answer back dat we guess it 
 has," said the President. "Only dis mawnin I saw 
 one white man chasin two black ones as hard as dey 
 could jump, an dey seemed to feel dat dey couldn t 
 jump half fast nuff. Answer him dat readin , writ-
 
 172 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 in an grammar, an so on, has inflooenced de cull d 
 man to back up agin a shed when he wonts to 
 fight, an de furder off de shed am de better he likes 
 it." 
 
 VOTED DOWN. 
 
 The Secretary s desk further yielded up a well- 
 written letter, signed by six colored ladies of Niles, 
 Mich., asking the Club to take under consideration 
 the proposition to establish a branch lodge for wo 
 men, to be known and called " The Daughters of the 
 Brush." The letter gave a dozen reasons why such a 
 branch lodge would result in good, and the question 
 being brought before the Club for discussion, a live 
 ly debate ensued. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock favored the proposition. He 
 said that Queen Victoria was never heard of until 
 she joined a lodge. 
 
 Waydown Bebee also favored it. He thought a 
 Saturday night lodge meeting would give hundreds 
 of gates and miles of sidewalk a rest. 
 
 Paradise Doolittle was opposed to any such 
 scheme. He thought women ought to be content 
 to stay at home and play the piano and eat frosted 
 cake. 
 
 Judge Cranberry also opposed the idea. While he 
 was away to his Club his wife sat in a red rocking- 
 chair and read "Lady Audley s Secret," and no 
 sensible woman could ask for more.. 
 
 The question being put to a vote, it was defeated 
 by forty-eight majority. 
 
 THE SPELLING REFORM. 
 
 The Committee on the Judiciary, to whom had 
 been referred the question of a reform in spelling
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 173 
 
 for the colored race of the land, made a full and ex 
 haustive report. Below are given a list of words 
 and the changes in the manner of spelling them 
 suggested by the committee and adopted by the 
 Club: 
 Old way. New way. Old way. New way. 
 
 Apple, Apul. Clothes, Cloze. 
 
 Wagon, Wagn. Dough, Do. 
 
 Depot, D-po. Rough, Ruff. 
 
 Chasm, Kzm. Caesar, C-zer. 
 
 Borrow, Borer. Gorgeous, Gorjus. 
 
 The above are only a few samples of the words 
 submitted. It was also suggested and adopted that 
 the following abbreviations be made use of: 
 
 N. G. " No good." 
 
 T.B. -"Go to Halifax." 
 R S. " I ll see you later." 
 A. B. " Lend me five dollars till Saturday." 
 C S. " I ll put a head on you." 
 L. S. "I ll see you in Chicago first." 
 
 P. T. "I don t want a nomination, but I m in the hands of my 
 friends." 
 XX. "And don t you forget it." 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 The hour of closing having arrived, the old man 
 rolled up his eyes and said: 
 
 " Gem len, remember dat de loudest voice doan 
 sink de deepest inter de heart. Big words may shut 
 de odder man up, but dey won t convince him. One 
 kind word am worf more dan a pleasant day, while 
 a pound of crackers an about half a pound of cheese 
 will put more heart inter a poo man dan all de 
 promises eber made on de hind platform of a street 
 kyar. We will now pass out inter de cold ar* 
 crewel world an see.k to our separate homes.,"
 
 174 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ON THE FENCE. 
 
 THREE or four minutes before time for sounding 
 the triangle, a boy with a pair of boots five sizes to 
 large, and a hat big enough to cover four heads of 
 cabbage, climbed the stairs and encourtered the vigi 
 lant Tyler in the ante-room. 
 
 "Boy, you fly right down dem sta rs, or I ll make 
 a bar l of soap outer dat body! " shouted the Sentinel. 
 
 "I guess not, sah, kase Ize got a letter heah for 
 Sir Izook Poletall," replied the boy. 
 
 " Werry well, den. Now you squat ober dar on 
 de wood-pile till I takes dis pistle in to de Seckre- 
 tary, an if you try to look inter de lodge-room, one 
 of de biggist kind o gosts will jump out an bring 
 ye sich a box on de ears as you nebber heard tell of." 
 
 It was a note addressed to Sir Isaac Walpole, and 
 it was from Brother Gardner. He stated that he 
 was then sitting on a rail fence three miles in an 
 air line from the City Hall, defending a load of corn 
 stalks and ten bushels of corn from the attacks of 
 three white men, who had stolen and carried off 
 one load before he arrived. The note concluded as 
 follows: 
 
 " De highest duty of a man am to protect his own 
 from de hands of de despiler, an it may be dat I 
 shell hev to sot here all night. Go ahead an open 
 an run de meetin to de bes of your bility, not for- 
 gettin dat Pickles Smith will b ar watchin , an dat 
 Elder Toots allus falls off a bench to de left when he 
 gits to sleep." 
 
 SIR ISAAC 
 
 Took the Presidential chair, read the epistle to the 
 members and signaled for the triangle to bring or-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 175 
 
 der. His first move was to call off the names of the 
 Committee on Agriculture and request them to pro 
 ceed without delay to the spot where Brother Gard 
 ner held the fort and assist him against the common 
 enemy. 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 The petitions numbered only eight, the lightest 
 number for several months, but easily explained on 
 the ground of election and the general excitement 
 attending. The only "big gun " in the eight was 
 Warsaw. Jones, LL. D., of Lynchburg, Va., who has 
 preached in thirteen different states, and who origi 
 nated the theory that all living creatures descended 
 from the persimmon and defended it through three 
 rough and tumble fights before the Boston Academy 
 of Science. 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 T. D. Williams, June Hastings, H. Clay Lukens 
 and Paine Turner were shaken up in the bean box 
 and shown to be worthy of membership. 
 
 THE OYSTER. 
 
 The Committee on Catfish and Turtles, to whom 
 had been submitted the query: Can the oyster be 
 domesticated and made obedient to the commands 
 of man?" were called upon and reported as follows: 
 
 "In de fust place, de ister am not purvided with 
 legs nor teef, an lie wouldn t be worf ole bones to 
 drive a cow outer de back yard. In the nex place 
 his eyes am sot too fur back in his head to permit 
 him to rush frew a brush fence in an air-tine. He 
 hasn t de back-bone to stand up to a row, nor de 
 wings to fly away from one. He can t see in de
 
 176 THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 
 
 night, an he am too lazy to see in de day-time. His 
 gineral build and his average habits proves, to dis 
 committee, dat nature nebber tended him to act as 
 a watch-dog nor occupy a bird-cage. As a fish he 
 am a sudden failure. As a grasshopper he can t hoe 
 his TOW. We turned him ober an ober, took him in 
 from all sides, an arrove to de conclushun dat he 
 am fillin his mishun when he am stewed, fried, or 
 taken on de half -shell. Dis committee darefore asks 
 to be discharged from de f urder considerashun of de 
 subjeck, an will ebber pray." 
 
 Elder Hardfoot Stoher objected to the report on 
 the ground that it might encourage poor people to 
 buy oysters instead o pig s heads and spare-ribs, 
 but it was accepted while he was in the middle of 
 his remarks. 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Committee on the Sick and Relief reported 
 nine cases of illness among the members, three of 
 them very serious. Four of the cases were chills 
 and fever, three had a tendency to rheumatism, and 
 the other two fell off a wood-shed. The Committee 
 had ascertained that the last named members had 
 climbed upon the shed to see a fight going on in a 
 wood-yard, and "through a dispensashun of Provi 
 dence had been anticipated to the ground below." 
 
 " I am de oldest man in de Club," said Sir Isaac in 
 reply, " an I hez yit to I arn dat Providence eber 
 mixes herself up wid a fight in a wood-yard. De 
 queshun of relief will, darefore, be jumped ober to 
 de nex meetin , when Brudder Gardner kin handle 
 it as he sees fit,"
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 177 
 
 A FAILURE. 
 
 During a discussion in the Club some time since 
 on the question of preserving fall vegetables, Trus 
 tee Fullback announced that pumpkins, after being 
 treated to two coats of varnish, could be kept for 
 several years. The Chairman of the Committee on 
 Agriculture was instructed to treat several pump 
 kins in this manner and report progress to the Club. 
 At this meeting he announced his readiness to re 
 port, and said: 
 
 " De next time dis Club wants to waste any varnish 
 it had better pour it down a rat hole. It took jist a 
 quart to a pumpkin, ceptin what de chiU en drank 
 up. De fust week dar was no great change in de 
 pumpkins, but doorin de second week two of em 
 showed signs of de measles, one turned wrong side 
 out, an de odder two kinder keeled ober to de norf. 
 At de end of de third week de sanitary purlece 
 knocked on de doah an tole my wife dat if we didn t 
 get dat smell outer de house dey d send me to de 
 workhouse fur eighteen hundred years. De varnish 
 bizness am a fraud an a snare, an it takes a heap of 
 soap to wash it off de fingers." 
 
 SNUBBED. 
 
 Caraway Fitzjohn here secured the floor and asked 
 leave to read a ballad entitled " The Lost Schooner." 
 composed by himself and dedicated to the Lime-Kiln 
 Club. 
 
 I object," said John Quincy Davis in a prompt 
 manner. 
 
 " Sustain de jeckshun," came from all parts of the 
 Hall.
 
 178 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Brudder Fitzjohn, am dat ballard written in red 
 ink?" inquired the Chairman. 
 
 "No, sah." 
 
 "Dat s one serius objeckshun. Whar was dat 
 schooner losted? " 
 
 "OndeRedSea, sah." 
 
 " Dats too far away from home altogedertoo far. 
 What was she loaded wid?" 
 
 "De ballad don t say, sah." 
 
 " Den we don t keer to hear it read. You hez left 
 out all de main points, Brudder Fitzjohn, an I hope 
 you ll forgive me when I tell you to stick to de razor 
 an let poetry take care of itself." 
 
 THE LIBRARY. 
 
 The Librarian reported that he had now 1,100 vol 
 umes on hand, including over 1,000 almanacs, and 
 he suggested the need of more shelving at once, 
 lie further reported that his corner had beep well 
 patronized since the evenings had become longer, 
 and that he could make good use of the works treat* 
 ing on higher philosophy and modern anatomy. 
 
 NO DINNER. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock got Elder Toots to wake up 
 and introduce a resolution to the effect that the Club 
 give itself a Thanksgiving dinner in Paradise Hall 
 on the proper day, paying all expenses out of the 
 treasury, and he then jumped up and made a seven 
 minute speech in favor of the project. The idea 
 seemed to take all over the Hall in a flash, and not 
 feeling equal to the occasion Sir Isaac rose up 
 said: 
 
 "De mosjiun to adjourn am car d."
 
 DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE CLUB SIR ISAAC WALPOLE 
 AND SAMUEL SHIN.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 179 
 
 "No moshun no moshun! " yelled twency mem 
 bers. 
 
 " An we will darefore repudiate to our homes," 
 he continued. 
 
 " Queshun! queshun! " they yelled. 
 
 " Gwine home takes de precedence ober all odder 
 queshuns," softly replied the old patriarch, and he 
 put on his hat, closed the books and beat the Thanks 
 giving dinner question out of sight. 
 
 DE CIRCUS. 
 
 As the triangle sounded the call for order, all Bib 
 lical discussions came to an end, and Brother Gard 
 ner wiped off his mouth and began: 
 
 " De season of de circus am come. I heven t seen 
 de illustrious han -bills on de walls yit, but de horn am 
 tootin only a few miles away, an in a few days de 
 unbendin elefant, de musical hyena, de wrigglin 
 snaix an de lemonade stand will be in our midst. 
 Doorin de past week I has recepted sev ral letters 
 from different parts of de kentry axin if dis Club 
 favors gwine to de circus, an last nite two brethren 
 of de church arrove at my cabin to ax me to use my 
 inflooence to prevent de circus from destroyin de 
 Sunday skule biziiess. Now, I has ruy own person 
 al opinion bout dese fings, but I d like to h ar from 
 de members of de Club in gineral." 
 
 There was a pretty solid chunk of silence after 
 the President sat down, but Sir Isaac Walpole final- 
 ly got up and said;
 
 180 THE LIME-KILN CLUB, 
 
 Waal, now, I believe I kin remember of gwine 
 to de fust circus dat struck de State of Old Virginny, 
 an I reckon none eber showed up in Detroit an got 
 away from me. I ze bin right dar, frens, an I ze 
 got half a dollar laid by fur de next one. I belongs 
 to de church, I rings de bell fur prayer-meetiii , an 
 I ze tryin to live so as to reach dat good place above 
 whar de weary am at rest, an f o de Lawd ! I doan 
 believe dat gwine to de circus has eber rubbed de 
 hide off in one single spot. De man who can t go 
 a circus wid a clean conscience, an come home de 
 same way, had better set out an diskiver a kentry 
 for himself." 
 
 Several other speeches of like character were 
 made, and the President arose and said: 
 
 "Gem len, let it stan as de opinyon of de Lime- 
 Kiln Club dat gwine to de circus am twice as respec 
 table as sittin on de fence an makin up faces at de 
 Bengawl tiger in his cage, am a heap better dan 
 beatin a wood-yard man outen three dollars by 
 movin in de night. We will now implore de reg lar 
 bizness of de meetin ." 
 
 SICKNESS. 
 
 The Committee on the Sick reported that Skylark 
 DeSoto, a member living across the river, had met 
 with a serious accident, having been thrown off the 
 back of a mule. He had applied for relief, and the 
 Committee desired instructions before drawing any 
 order on the Treasurer. 
 
 "De queshun am, is dis Brudder titled to draw on 
 de relief fund?" replied the President. 
 
 "In de fust place, why was he on dat mule s back? 
 Didn t he know he might as well have been on de
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 181 
 
 brink of Niagra? Was he racin dat mule? Was 
 lie racin de beast aroim town to show him off? 
 Lastly, was de Brudder sober or drunk? Sich ques 
 tions should be settled befo relief am granted, an 
 de Committee will proceed to Kennedy an pump de 
 wictim for furder informashun." 
 
 A PRIZE. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock, who had just returned from 
 the home of his childhood in Toledo, here arose and 
 said he would like to utter a few remarks. Leave 
 being granted, he said he had for a year past been 
 excited in mind over the wholesale waste in oyster 
 cans. Every one of the millions of cans was worth 
 less as soon as emptied of its contents, and he 
 found them rusting in alleys, on vacant lots, beside 
 the curbstone, and wherever he went. His philan 
 thropic interest in the welfare of America, as well 
 as his ever-present desire to encourage genius, had 
 led him to offer a prize of one terrier dog, one hand- 
 sled, one snow-shovel and two dollars in cash to 
 any American who would invent a way to utilize 
 the old cans. The subject had been broached to the 
 Club on a previous occasion, but nothing had been 
 done to encourage the inventive faculty, and per 
 haps nothing would have been done but for the en 
 thusiasm of Penstock, whose active mind is ever 
 busy with plans to better the dwellers in this great 
 world. 
 
 FERTILIZERS. 
 
 A communication from the President of the Texas 
 Agricultural College made inquiry as to whether the 
 Lime-Kiln Club made use of any special fertilizer in 
 its agricultural experiments.
 
 182 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "I spose I ze got about as big a garden as any of 
 us," replied the President, as the letter was filed, 
 "an I spose I ze tried about as many different fer- 
 tiloozers as any man heah ceptin Sir Isaac Wai- 
 pole. I ze put on lime, ashes, salt, saw-dust, old 
 bones, bottles, chips, an heaps of odder things, but 
 long ago I diskivered dat an old bed quilt, a towel or 
 two, wid free or fo ole straw hats cho.pped up fine, 
 an de hull spread out ober de ground will" grow de 
 biggest crop o melons dat you eber saw. De vines 
 climb right up like a gopher, spread out like city 
 taxes, an when de melons start to grow you can t 
 stop em wid a two mule team." 
 
 RESOLVED. 
 
 Judge Peachblossom, who has heretofore kept 
 wonderfully quiet, presented a resolution to the ef 
 fect that the present rates for whitewashing be in 
 creased twenty per cent, but the President rose up 
 and replied: 
 
 " I am an old man. I hev seen de melyon crap 
 come an go nigh onto sixty-five times, an it has 
 taken me all dese long y ars to learn to let well nuff 
 alone. Too much charge am as bad as too much 
 whitewash. It am now time to repress de meetin 
 an go down on de market an git a forty-cent water- 
 melyon for a quarter." 
 
 SCRIMSHAW BAKER, LL. D. 
 
 It having become noised around that a stranger 
 from the west would deliver a speech before the 
 Club, Paradise Hall was filled to the last bench, and 
 business started off with enthusiasm.
 
 THE LIME-KILN (JLUB. 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 The petitions for the last two weeks counted up 
 thirty-eight, of which Halifax and Winnepeg each 
 sent one, and three came from California. Of the 
 total number thirty -three were careful to state that 
 they o\vneddogs, and a large number carelessly in 
 timated that they didn t like chickens. Two of the 
 petitions from the south were accompanied by odes 
 written in red ink and worked up to an intense cli 
 max. Such petitioners as desire a copy of the con 
 stitution and by-laws will please forward ten cents. 
 
 PASSED AWAY. 
 
 The President announced that he had received a 
 communication from Fort Scott, Ks., giving the par 
 ticulars of the death of Ebeneezer Flintlock, an 
 honorary member of the Club, and added: 
 
 "Gem len, de letter states dat he passed away in 
 de softest manner, an dat his last request was to 
 hev de Club notified of his departur . I didn t know 
 him personally, but I feel it safe to say dat he was 
 honest, reprehensible, industrious, cutaneous an well 
 meanin . P raps he did t cut no great spread in de 
 world, an maybe he couldn t deliver a Fo th of July 
 speech widout mixin up cocked hats wid gin cock 
 tails, but what he wore he paid fur, an what he ate he 
 aimed by de sweat of his brows. De Secretary, as 
 sisted by de keeper of de B ar Trap, will hang an 
 emblem of sorrow to de knob of de inner doah an 
 keep it dar for de space of fo teen days, an we will 
 now jine in singin :"
 
 184 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Beneaf de sod a brudder sleeps, 
 To wake no more to wake no more 
 
 Till past de ribber swift an deep 
 He s landed on de odder shore. 
 
 No pain or sorrow kin he know 
 
 No words kin reach him in his grave; 
 
 But up in Heaven he ll find dat rest 
 Which Heaven gives to e en a slave." 
 
 The song was well sung and ma.de a deep impres 
 sion on all the older members. What, therefore, 
 was the surprise of the convention to hear Samuel 
 Shin attempt to add a chorus to the last verse by 
 switching off on " Whoa, Emma! " He was immed 
 iately walked to the front, and amidst looks and ex 
 pressions of indignation he was fined eight hundred 
 dollars and costs. He pleaded anxiety of mind 
 about an overdue water-tax as an excuse, but it was 
 no go, and for some weeks to come he will probably 
 be the most sedate attendant at Paradise Hall. 
 
 THE PHOTOGRAPH QUESTION. 
 
 At this point the Rev. Penstock, his face illumined 
 with a smile like the background of a Swiss chromo, 
 secured the floor and announced that a proposition 
 had been made to the Club through him. It was 
 that a photograph should be taken of the interior of 
 Paradise Hall with a weekly meeting in full blast, 
 and in return for the privilege each member was to 
 be presented with a copy free. 
 
 When he had taken his seat there was a great 
 hitching around, and Trustee Fullback and Enos 
 Skimmerhorn were seen posing themselves as if 
 ready before the camera. By and by the old man 
 rose up and said:
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 185 
 
 " Gem len, dar hain t de smallest doubts dat some 
 of us am so awful purty dat we hadn t orter lose 
 any time in securin our fotograffs at any price, but 
 out of respect for de f eelms of doze who hain t any 
 beauty to brag about, we ll wait awhile before con- 
 sentin to de proposishun. I an de ole woman was 
 tooken once, and I tell you it was de worst kind of a 
 give away on our feet. I can close one eye an 
 imagine what a fotograph of dis Hall would be, an 
 I doan want any of it." 
 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 The Chairman of the Committee on Agriculture 
 had a brief report to submit. In answer to a com 
 munication from Gen. Le Due asking for a sample 
 of Michigan catnip grown in the shade of a red 
 picket fence, he reported that he had collected a 
 quantity of leaves and bottled them so that they 
 would retain their fragrance. He stepped forward 
 and handed the President an eight-ounce bottle and 
 resumed his seat. Brother Gardner lifted the bottle 
 shook it, pulled the cork and smelled of the contents, 
 and as he read the label he indulged in a grin that 
 revealed his back teeth. At that moment the Chair 
 man came forward in great haste and exchanged 
 the bottle for another, whispering: 
 
 " We doan hev em in our beds, but de folks nex 
 doah am fairly car d away by the pesky critters." 
 
 "WHERE is THE LIMIT?" 
 
 The Committee on Reception now donned their 
 wide collars and white gloves and proceeded to the 
 ante-room to return as the escort of Scrimshaw 
 Baker, LL. D., better known in the west as " the
 
 186 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Bald Eagle Orator of the Rocky Mountains. 1 " After 
 being formerly introduced and indulging in a few 
 preparatory remarks he began one of the best 
 speeches ever delivered in Paradise Hall. The sub 
 ject, announced above, was handled between drinks 
 of water with a flow of logic like the current of 
 some mighty river sweeping to the sea, and every 
 hit was received with a grand yell. 
 
 "When de saw-buck was invented, "said the Ora 
 tor, as he cast a sly glance at Elder Toots bow-legs, 
 " some folks imagined dat de limit was reached, but 
 it was only twenty-nine days before de world was 
 convulsed wid de news dat de buck-saw had sprung 
 into life. After de buck-saw came de horse-radish 
 grater, an upon de heels of dis came de glorus news 
 dat genius had given us de far-soundin tinkle of de 
 cow-bell. [Cheers.] Some men wanted to fold deir 
 hands an die, finkin de end had come, but genius 
 plumed her beak an lo! we had taller candles. 
 [Wild whoops.] Light shone in dark places, but it 
 was no time to stop. Wid one wild swoop of her 
 raven wings genius left at our doahs a jug with a 
 handle an de wheel-barrow. [Cheers and yells.] 
 So it has gone. We didn t stop wid de clothes-pin 
 but sprung for d to de ha r-pin, de stove handle, de 
 jack-knife, de dictionary, ice cream, lager beer, an 
 odder splinters of genius too many to menshun. We 
 shall nebber stop. What am new dis y ar will be ole 
 de nex . Genius will not be content wid replacin 
 de bed-cord by springs, or de stage by de locomo 
 tive, but will go on an on an on, until buttermilk 
 kin be drawn from ebery hitchin post, an seven-cent 
 sugar scooped in from de roots of ebery lamp-post.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 18? 
 
 In de language of one of Rome s grandest Senators, 
 Plurib ue, xylubus unum cum dig!" 
 
 Cheer after cheer shook the Hall as the speaker 
 closed, and Waydown Bebee introduced the follow 
 ing: 
 
 " Resolved, That the uniformed thanks of dis Club are sagely 
 due to de great Orator of de West fur de incarcerate effort he has 
 made this evening to entertain, interest and instruct dis Club, an 
 we do hereby offer him de freedom of Paradise Hall during his 
 stay in our middle/ 
 
 The resolution was carried with a bang, and after 
 the Glee Club had sung a few selections from Mozart 
 the convention adjourned. 
 
 MISSING. 
 
 "GEM LEN," began the President, as the meeting 
 opened, " look around dis Hall an tell me if you ob 
 serve the well-known figger of de Hon. Mackerel 
 Johnson. He was present at de last meetin an spit 
 all ober de stove, but whar am he now? Ober dar 
 am de sky-blue bench on which he sits an watches 
 de adventures of de meetin , but he ain t dar now." 
 
 A hush fell upon the members. Previous to the 
 opening they had been discussing the origin of the 
 nutmeg-grater, and had failed to notice the absence 
 of the Brother. 
 
 " Gem len, it am my painful dooty to denounce 
 de fack dat de Hon. Mackerel Johnson am now ly- 
 in on a bed of pain an sorrow," continued Brother 
 Gardner. " A day or two ago, while engaged in 
 puttin on free different kinds of frescoing wid his 
 whitewash brush, he fell from be scaffold an laid
 
 188 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 dar behind de kitchen stove like one struck dead. 
 No bones was broken, but two surgeons rubbed him 
 up an smoothed him down, an stuck plasters on 
 him, an said it would be weeks befo his system 
 would rally from de shock. I was up dar an wash 
 ed his feet an fed him gruel wid a spoon. He was 
 very low, but he knew me an winked his left eye. 
 I call dis case up as a warnin dat in de midst of git- 
 tin rich an livin on de top shelf we am liable to be 
 pulled down by de roots or cut down from de top. 
 Even if we hev pumpkin pie, fried eggs, bacon an 
 taters on de table all at once, we must be prepared 
 to leave dis world on two minits notiss. I see you 
 all befo me in boundin health an frisky speerits, 
 but on your way home you may be shot by an Al 
 derman, fall into a sewer, or pass a house whar de 
 young ladies am indulgin in archery. Dis world 
 am full of trap-holes, fallin trees, runaway horses, 
 mad dogs an butcher-carts, an de wise man will 
 work for cash down an be ready for de crash when 
 it comes." 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 The number of petitions was fully up to the aver 
 age regarding "Hons." "Colonels," and "Esquires," 
 and one fact was particularly noticeable. Nearly 
 every applicant was careful to state that he owned 
 a dog and a shot-gun, thus saving the Investigating 
 Committee much research and trouble. Among the 
 petitioners was Melinda Ann Buxford, of Troy, N. 
 Y., who stated that she either wanted to join the 
 Club or borrow thirteen shillings to pay for a winter 
 hat.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 189 
 
 " I move " began Pickles Smith, half rising from 
 his seat, when the President motioned him to 
 "squat" and said: 
 
 " De season of de y ar fur rnovin am dun passed. 
 De Seckretary will reply to de effeck dat her com- 
 municashun am placed under a fo -pound weight 011 
 de red table." 
 
 AN APPEAL. 
 
 The Committee on Hills and Harbors was called 
 upon for a report, and the Chairman advanced and 
 verbally reported that the Committee had been in 
 structed to bring in a list of forts, cities and streets 
 named after famous colored men. The Committee 
 had spent three months in research, and had not 
 been able to find one single instance where anything 
 bigger than a dug-out had been named in honor of 
 any colored warrior, orator or statesman. The Com 
 mittee recommended that the Club appeal to the 
 government to do justice to the colored race in this 
 matter, and a lively discussion followed. 
 
 Waydown Bebee thought the government should 
 name at least three forts after prominent colored 
 men. If the government refused to do so, then 
 let the enlistment of colored troops be discouraged. 
 
 Pickles Smith arose with his mouth full of dry 
 crackers and said the yum day was not far yum 
 distant when the name of the City of yum Wash 
 ington would be changed to Africanus, and don t 
 you forget it! 
 
 Trustee Fullback moved that Brother Smith be 
 fined fifteen cents for unparliamentary language. 
 
 Buttercup Hawkins supported the motion in a tri 
 umphant voice,
 
 190 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock arose to a personal privilege, 
 when Camphor Davis hit him with a potato. 
 
 The Elder Toots awoke and cried for "order!" 
 and Samuel Shin took advantage of the confusion to 
 tear down the stove-pipe. 
 
 Way down Bebee was about to call for the previ 
 ous question, when a ripe tomato hit his ear and he 
 changed his call. 
 
 Confusion prevailed in all corners. Lexington 
 Knox fell over a bench w T ith a terrible crash, and 
 the water-pail was knocked out of shape as it fell off 
 the bench. The meeting went to pieces in a minute, 
 but when terror reigned supreme, one blast from 
 Brother Gardner s horn restored order and quiet 
 ness. He stood up, surveyed the ruins, and quietly 
 said: 
 
 " De chair hez no words of consolashun or re 
 proach. .Human natur am more streaked dan a cit 
 ron, an it will hev its own way. De Treasurer will 
 pass around de hat." 
 
 The collection amounted to over twelve dollars, 
 and sorrow and remorse could be read in every coun 
 tenance. When the cash had been counted Sir Isaac 
 Walpole offered a resolution appealing to the gov 
 ernment to recognize the colored race in the future 
 by naming public posts, light-houses, capes, bays, 
 etc., and the same was adopted. 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 Under this heading, the Secretary read the follow 
 ing from Mississippi: 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER. I take the liberty to inclose to you a copy 
 of the constitution of the first lodge in modern times of the Inde 
 pendent Qrder of the Improved Jaw Bone. I have the honor to
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 191 
 
 inform you that you were enthusiastically and unanimously elec 
 ted the first honarary member of our order. If you will give it a 
 place in Paradise Hall, we will send you the skull and cross-bones 
 of a Boston music teacher, sung to death by our long-range Sam 
 son last week. With distinguished respect, I subscribe myself, 
 
 JNO. SMITH. 
 Founder of the order, and at present Most High Old Samson. 
 
 In further explanatian, the writer sent a printed 
 slip reading: 
 
 We, the undersigned, for the purpose of more effectually troub 
 ling each other and making life intolerable to our neighbors, do 
 hereby organize ourselves into a league, both offensive and defen 
 sive, and under the extremest of penalties subjecting ourselves to 
 the rules and regulations of the following: 
 
 CONSTITUTION. 
 
 1. This league shall be known as the I. O. I. J. B. 
 
 2. The regular meetings shall be kuown as "Massacres," and all 
 irregular meetings as " Disturbances." 
 
 8. The motto shall be: " No peace for the wicked." 
 4. The officers shall be elected at each meeting, and serve for 
 one week, and shall consist of the M. H. O. S., the M. H. O. D., 
 the L. R, S., or L. R. P., as the case may be, and their duties shall 
 be: The M. H. O. S. shall preside at all Massacres, and impose 
 tines for violations of i]ie rules, and confer degrees on candidates, 
 etc., etc., 
 
 The Secretary was directed to say in reply that 
 the I. O. I. J. B. had the best wishes of the Lime- 
 Kiln Club for its future prosperity, and as the hour 
 for closing approached, Brother Gardner arose and 
 said: 
 
 " Brudders, in pacin off our var us ways to our 
 var us homes, let us remember dat de biggest wind 
 mill doan pump de most water. De man who walks 
 right along, takin in de mud wid de good roads, 
 ceptin de weatjier as it comes, an thankfully chaw-
 
 102 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 in away on husks when he can t get corn, will git 
 dar jist as soon as anybody, an feel jist as much at 
 home when de horn blows." 
 
 JTJNTUS HENRI BATES. 
 
 THE hum of industry greeted the ear of the Presi 
 dent as his head showed above the stairway. Elder 
 Toots was telling Trustee Fullback how he was 
 struck by lightning in 1854, Elder Button was reas 
 oning with Samuel Shin on the offence of lying, and 
 the Hon. Ensign Elevator had a drink of water 
 down the wrong pipe and four or five persons were 
 slapping him on the back. In a brief moment 
 tongues and feet ceased to clatter, the triangle 
 sounded, and the regular weekly meeting of the 
 Lime-Kiln Club was duly opened for the transaction 
 of business. 
 
 MATRIMONIAL. 
 
 "Will my frk-nd Junius Henri Bates please step 
 dis way?" blandly inquired Brother Gardner, as he 
 arose and looked down the Hall. 
 
 Junius Henri advanced. He is a young man of 
 twenty-three, distinguished for the noble manner in 
 which he wears his very wide collars, and his good 
 taste in selecting pale blue neckties. He has been 
 a very quiet member of the Club for some months 
 past, keeping his theories in the background and 
 his feet well advanced. In a kind, fatherly way the 
 President continued: 
 
 "Junius Henri, it am freely reported frew dis 
 Club dat you am about to take a wife, Doan turn
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 193 
 
 red in de face, my friend, fur de informashim gibs 
 us pleasure, an ebery member will be ready to wish 
 you all de happiness man kin take. We am your 
 bes friends heali, an darefore 1 take dis occaslmn 
 to say a few remarks barin down on de occaslmn. 
 No doubt you love de fair gal. Dat s c rect. True 
 lub excuses a big mouf an a bad breff. True lub 
 an steady wages will make plenty of cake an pie 
 whar befo dar was euffin but cole taters. Take a 
 wife wid de expectashun dat you kin an will sup 
 port her. Figure on leavin off rough ways an 
 rough talk. Doan spect dat de Gods above am 
 gwine to buy yer wood an flour an meat. Doan 
 spect dat yer life will be all sunshine. Doan figger 
 dat ye won t have disputes an words atween ye. 
 Lawd save ye, boy! my ole woman an me calls 
 names an pulls ha r ebery now an den, but we make 
 up in an hour an f orgit all about it. Be a good man 
 an a true husband. Keep off de co ners an away 
 from de saloons. Make up yer mind dat ye ve got 
 de werry best woman in dis world, an dat ye can t 
 nebber do too much fur her. Dat s all, boy, an dis 
 Club will be only too happy to be on hand when de 
 occashun comes off." 
 
 ABOUT " BOOMS." 
 
 The Secretary read a communication from Mt. 
 Lebanon, La., hinting that now was the time for the 
 Lime-Kiln Club to come to the front and boom" 
 for some of the various politicians. 
 
 "Does de honorable President understand de 
 meanin ob dat word?" inquired the Rev. Penstock, 
 as he drew himself up.
 
 194 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Brother Gardner surveyed the speaker with proud 
 disdain for a minute, and then replied: 
 
 " Do I know what a boom means? Sit down, Brud- 
 der Penstock, an doan forgit as long as ye stay on 
 airth dat I knowed all about booms afore you was 
 born! Deed, sah, I was boomin down frew de cot 
 ton, able to do a man s work, afore you had teef big 
 miff to munch hoe-cake. A boom means to git up 
 an dust. To step to de front door an yell. To climb to 
 de top shelf an whoop. To swing yer hat an shout 
 fur de perlece. To git up in de middle of de night 
 an sing de praises of a man who has an awful ach- 
 in fur offis. Booms! Booms! Scuse me, but dis 
 Club has no pollytishuns to fear an no candydates 
 to favor." 
 
 SILENT CONTEMPT. 
 
 Elder Toots here suddenly awoke and offered a 
 resolution to the effect that the Club adopt the prin 
 ciples maintained by the lamented George Washing 
 ton, but Pickles Smith was the only member who 
 seemed to even hear his words, and Pickles squelched 
 him with a paper wad between the eyes. 
 
 SIGNS. 
 
 The Committee on Atmospheric Influences an 
 nounced that they were ready with a report, and 
 leave being granted, the Chairman submitted a well 
 constructed report regarding the coming winter. 
 The Committee had been guided entirely by signs, 
 and their reasons for predicting a hard winter were: 
 
 1. The thickness of the corn-husks. 
 
 2. The unusual number of overcoats in pawn. 
 
 3. The anxiety of women to get winter bonnets,,
 
 BROTHER GARDNER AND REV. PENSTOCK. 
 
 Bro. Gardner. "Do I know what a boom am?
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 195 
 
 4. The way the frogs have gone down for deep 
 water. 
 
 5. The hesitancy with which young men climb out 
 of bed in the morning. 
 
 (5. The unusual number of dog fights to be ob 
 served by a colored man who keeps his eyes open. 
 
 The report was accepted and filed, and the Chair 
 man sat down with a sigh of relief. 
 
 A SHORT SPEECH. 
 
 The keeper of the bear-trap sent word from his 
 post in the ante-room, that Jonas Buckhampton, the 
 great American traveler and Alabama statesman, 
 was waiting to be introduced to the Club. The Com 
 mittee on Credentials were ordered to bring him in, 
 and the President gave him a formal introduction to 
 the Club. 
 
 " I shall incline to indulge in a very condensed 
 speech on dis occashun," he began, as he advanced 
 to the front of the platform. " Has any member of 
 dis Club eber perceived de Catacombs of Paris? I 
 war lately dar. To some it am a festive sight, re 
 dundant wid joy an enthusiasm. To odders it brings 
 de pensive tear an makes de chin wobble. De ma 
 jority of you may have de impreshun dat catacombs 
 refer to cats an combs. Ah, my frens, dat s whar 
 ye are lame. Dar s no cats dar not a cat. Dar s 
 no combs dar, onless ye carry one in yer satchel." 
 
 The speaker paused to drink a pint of water and 
 wipe of his chin, and then resumed: 
 
 " Jumpin from the Catacombs of Paris to de Par- 
 amids of Egypt, let me ax if any member of dis 
 Club w.ar eber dar? Dey am a grand sight. Men 
 seems no bigger dan a calf compared to dem. Who
 
 196 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 built dem? Who rected dem? Who bossed de job 
 of gettin out de stun, mixin de morter an layiii up 
 de blocks? I can t tell. I axed several persons 
 round dar, but dey couldn t tell." 
 
 Here he took another dipper of water and then 
 went on to say: 
 
 " Let us pause an ax ourselves who invented ha r 
 ile an sticken -plaster, an let us take a piece of 
 chalk and figger up how much benefit dey hev been 
 to de world. Dats about all on dis occashun, my 
 frens, and I trust dat de impulsiveness of dis Club 
 will constantly detract from de plethora of its im 
 mensity." 
 
 For half a minute there was an awful silence, and 
 then, as the orator was leaving the room, Samuel 
 Shin fell over backwards off his bench and laughed 
 till Trustee Fullback jabbed him with the brad-awl 
 fixed in the toe of his boot. Samuel was walked out 
 and lectured on the enormity of his offence, and but 
 for his previous good character he might have been 
 fined two or three thousand dollars. 
 
 " De plethora of immensity won t hurt us if we 
 stick to our bizness," remarked the President, and 
 order was restored and the business of the meeting 
 
 went on. 
 
 * 
 
 BE WHAT YOU ARE. 
 
 When the notes of the triangle gave warning of 
 the hour for closing, Brother Gardner said: 
 
 "My frens, de man in disguise am de chap who 
 doan take comfort. Be what you am, an nobody 
 else. Doan pucker yer moufs to make em look 
 small, nor pinch yer feet to lessen de bulge. Tryin 
 to pull on a No, 7 kid glove ober a No. 10 hand am
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 10? 
 
 on a, par wid spendin all yer money fur bacon an 
 den jawin de ole woman cause ye hevn t got taters. 
 Dat s all jist now, an we will git under our hats an 
 impeach de meetin fur a week." 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 Jason S. Strong, of Jackson, Fla., made written 
 inquiry for the names of such members of the Club 
 as were prepared to spend January, February and 
 March in that land of flowers, as he desired to 
 show them every courtesy and make their stay 
 pleasant. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock heaved a sigh as big as a saw 
 mill. 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole smiled in a way becoming his 
 position. 
 
 Waydown Bebee caressed his red neck-tie and 
 grinned until his mouth seemed about to absorb his 
 ears. 
 
 " Gem len of de Club, how many of you am gwine 
 down thar?" asked Brother Gardner as he looked up 
 and down the Hall. 
 
 Samuel Shin arose to his feet after an embarrasing 
 silence. 
 
 "You gwine down dar to sport around an fatten 
 up your health!" exclaimed the President as he sur 
 veyed Samuel. " Misser Shin, you sot down! If 
 you worry f rew de balance of de week widout freez- 
 in your heels you ll be doin extra well, to say nuffiii 
 of gwine down to Floryda." 
 
 Samuel sat down with such a bang as to jar the 
 whole Hall, and during the rest of the evening he 
 sat with his feet in Parsnip Hasting s plug hat, just 
 to be mean and obstinate.
 
 198 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 VISITORS. 
 
 The Committee on Reception reported the arrival 
 during the week of a small colored gentleman and a 
 very large bundle of something tied up in bed-tick 
 ing. The name of the man was given the Commit 
 tee as Vice- Admiral Standhope, of the Italian navy, 
 visiting this country to inspect naval affairs. The 
 Committee might have accepted his statements had 
 the stranger been less exacting in his demands. He 
 wanted to march to Paradise Hall behind a band 
 and a flag, put up at a hotel with a frescoed kitchen 
 and be assured a private box in the opera house 
 every night. The Committee consulted with prom 
 inent citizens as to the stranger s claims of official 
 position, and the result was a movement on the 
 part of the Admiral which placed him in Canada 
 just five minutes ahead of a policeman. 
 
 The Committee further reported that they had 
 been warned of the arrival of Joseph Q. Flatheart, 
 of Elmyra, N. Y., who would spend a day or two in 
 the city and present the Club with a new recipe for 
 removing paint and grease from gold-bowed specta 
 cles and piano legs. 
 
 COMMITTEE ON THE JUDICIARY. 
 
 This Committee had been instructed to gather sta 
 tistics relative to the past and present habits of the 
 American people, and report as to whether the pres 
 ent generation is an improvement on the last. The 
 Chairman reported that they had traveled scores of 
 miles, interviewed dozens of people, read several 
 books, and had sought to thoroughly investigate the 
 subject given them. He reported that there had
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 199 
 
 been considerable change in the habits of the peo 
 ple. A great many people now cut pie with a fork, 
 instead of taking the whole piece in the hand and 
 biting off what they could handily chew at once. 
 Women who used to do their own washings and 
 grew healthy over it, now kept three servants and 
 endeavored to look pale and languid. Men who 
 used to be satisfied with a house-dog, and a poor one 
 at that, must now keep at least three trotting horses 
 and be three months behind in settling up with the 
 grocer and butcher. Boys who would have been 
 tucked away in their trundle-beds at dark thirty 
 years ago, were now met on the streets at 11 o clock 
 at night, smoking cheap cigars and talking about 
 " the old man s" childishness. Other changes were 
 mentioned, but the Committee could not say wheth 
 er the innovations had greatly increased the 
 number of murders or added to the population of 
 prisons. 
 
 " As to de improvement spoken of," continued the 
 Chairman, " dis Committee am divided. Some of 
 us believe dat de good clothes an good grammar to 
 be found all aroun us to-day am a powerful boost 
 on de present ginerashun, while odders put deir fin 
 ger on de list of scandals, robberies, murders an 
 skips to Kennedy as an offset. De Committee hez, 
 darfore, concluded to report dat de kentry am doin 
 as well as could be spected, an dat de present gin 
 erashun can t help what it doaii know." 
 
 BEYOND THE VALE. 
 
 "As I war gwine to remark," said Brother Gard 
 ner, as Samuel Shin ceased poking the fire, " we
 
 200 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 does not know what a day may bring forth. At de 
 last meetin all was joy an peace, an ceptin dat we 
 spected anodder polar wave, we felt dat life was 
 full of pleasant spots an clam, chowder. To-day 
 jist one short week it am my prehensive dooty to 
 inform you of de death of our honorary brudder, 
 Judge Clingstone of Memphis, Term. From a letter 
 received yesterday, I learn dat he cum to his last 
 hour by fallin off de roof of a house. What he was 
 doin on dat roof am not for me to say. De fall 
 broke his neck, an de doctahs couldn t save him. 
 He was 50 y ars of age, an his appetite was good. 
 He jined to dis Club about ten months ago, an he 
 has taken a very lurid interest in its prospects eber 
 since. He had arranged to wisit us in de spring, an 
 deliber a lecture in dis Hall, on How to Live to a Good 
 Ole Age, but death steps in, an whar am Brudder 
 Clingstone? What am de common sense of de 
 meetin?" 
 
 A RESOLUTION. 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole said that he was deeply grieved 
 to learn that the Judge had passed away, and he 
 suggested a resolution of respect. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock thereupon introduced the fol 
 lowing preamble and resolution: 
 
 "W Haras, It has come to de knowledge of dis Club dat Judge 
 Clingstone am no more wid us in dis cold vale; darfore, 
 
 "Resolved, Dat de acute sympathies of de Club in gineral an of 
 each member in pertickler, am hereby handed to de widow an de 
 fadderless, an dat a black ribbon shall be hung on de triangle for 
 de space of thirty days. It am also furder 
 
 "Resolved, Dat members of dis Club am hereby warned not to 
 climb upon de roofs of houses at dis or any odder season of de 
 y ar."
 
 Tin? LIME KILN CLUB. 201 
 
 The "common sense of the meeting was adopt 
 ed, and the President called for the report of the 
 
 INTERPOSED. 
 
 The Hon. Thomas Juneberry wanted the proceed 
 ings "interposed," and the Rev. Python Jones was 
 cordially suppoited by the instruments as he ascen 
 ded the platform and sung as follows: 
 
 Some folks am on tie exodus, 
 An some am on de walk; 
 
 Ah-ha -oh yes! 
 
 True es gospil! 
 An some am on de talk. 
 
 I knows of certain cull d men 
 Too lazy fur to work; 
 
 Ah-ha! Poo scrubs! 
 
 Hope dey ll freeze! 
 De nigger mus not shirk. 
 
 De nigger who works will git de moas pay, 
 
 Way down! Way down! 
 An dey ll hev de mos money when it comes Saturday 
 
 Way down! Suah s yer bo n! 
 
 " NOT MUCH ! " 
 
 A communication from Baltimore asked the Club 
 to take some action regarding the increased con 
 sumption of tobacco, and to throw the weight of its 
 influence against any use of the weed by citizens of 
 any color. It stated that over twenty different fatal 
 diseases could be distinctly traced to the use of to 
 bacco, and that millions of money was annually 
 wasted in purchasing the fell destroyer. 
 
 Brother Gardner asked for a general expression of 
 opinion, and the following are fair samples:
 
 202 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Judge Crossgun " Ize era wed terbacky for forty 
 y ars, an Ize gwine to chaw her till I die." 
 
 Deacon Jackson " Take away de Fo th of July, 
 but leave me ping terbacky." 
 
 Trustee Fullback " It keeps de spirits up, cools off 
 de system, braces de nerves, an I only wish I could 
 chaw on boaf sides of my mouf to once." 
 
 Independence Jones "De man who would take 
 away my pipe would pick my pocket." 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole then presented a resolution to 
 the effect that the Kime-Kiln Club had no enmity 
 against tobacco, and the same was adopted and 
 filed. 
 
 ON RELIEF. 
 
 The Committee on Local Relief reported that the 
 closing in of winter had created considerable dis 
 tress among the poor, but a great majority of the 
 members of the Lime Kiln Club were pretty well 
 fixed, as most of them had laid in supplies, and 
 many of them were in steady employment. The 
 Chairman of the Committee reported that he had 
 been waylaid and struck on the ear with a frozen 
 cabbage because he had refused to introduce a reso 
 lution granting $20 to enable a woman to make the 
 first payment on a melodeon. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock at once arose and introduced 
 the following, which was at once seconded and 
 adopted: 
 
 W/i ara.s, It has been demonstrated dat human life am not safe 
 onless you cum down wid twenty dollars to help buy a melodeon; 
 and 
 
 WWaras, De practice of music seems to inspire malice an 
 murder in de human heart, to de exclusion of mercy an pity; 
 darfore
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 203 
 
 Resolved, Dat we petishun de present Legislachur to foreclose 
 on a law to de effect dat all musishuns shall furnish bonds in de 
 sum of $5,000 each for deir good behavior. 
 
 The Secretary was directed to draw up a petition 
 and see that each member of the Club signed it, and 
 there being no further business before the meeting, 
 it adjourned for one week. 
 
 MARY JANE S PETISHUN. 
 
 THERE was an unstudied picturesqueness in the at 
 titude of the old man as he got rid of a cinder in his 
 left eye and began: 
 
 "Gem len," began the President as he gave his 
 nose a last wipe with a red cotton handkerchief, 
 " I hole har in my hand a petishun from Mary Jane 
 Bascomb, of Chicago, axin dis Club to use its in- 
 flooence to suppress extravagance among de cull d 
 people of de land. I hez been givin dis subject 
 much thought of late, an I find dat de last few y ars 
 hez developed sich streaks of extravagance among 
 black folks dat it am high time some ackshun was 
 taken by an organizashun like dis Club. A few 
 y ars ago de average cull d woman war satisfied wid 
 calico dresses an articles to match, but now whar 
 am she? Why, gem len, right in sight of my ole 
 cabin, am no less n a dozen black women who walk 
 out wid deir bombazine dresses trailin way back, 
 ten shillin parasols lifted on high, an hats on deir 
 heads which nebber cost less dan twenty shillin s. 
 An dis, too, when deir husbands am skeercely aim- 
 in a dollar a day. I hear of fam lies buyin ice 
 cream on Sunday, strawberries ebery day frew de
 
 204 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 week, an talkin bout rentin a boz in de post-offis. 
 I see culFd men sportin blue necklies costing fifty 
 cents, an actually puttin on kid gloves Sunday 
 mornin! I know of cull d families in dis town which 
 hev cane-seat chairs in de parlor yes, gem len, 
 right in de parlor, an like a nuff a stuffed cha r 
 long wid em! De clean, white floor am kivered 
 wid a carpet yes, wid a carpet, an on de walls am 
 chroemeos refulgent wid gorgeousness! What did 
 our grand fodders an our 4-fodders do? Didn t dey 
 live an grow fat an die honest folks an nebber have 
 any sich richness? I tell you dat we am livin 
 too fast. We hez got to hole back. When an hon 
 est, hard- workin cull d man must hev a stuffed chair 
 to sit down on. a walnut table to eat his meals on, 
 an reg lar hinges to de front gate, same as de rich 
 white folks, den you look out to see crime increase 
 an de measles go whoopin frew de kentry." 
 
 MORE HONORS. 
 
 Before taking his seat the President read a letter 
 from the proprietor of a hotel for colored folks on 
 Jersey Flats, New Jersey, inviting members of the 
 Club going to or returning from Saratoga to make 
 his house their home at ten per cent, discount from 
 regular rates. In case the Club came in a body he 
 would make a still greater reduction and throw in 
 buttermilk free. 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 The following communications were read by the 
 Secretary in a voice full of deep emotion: 
 
 To the Hon. M. B. GARDNER, President Lime-Kiln Club: 
 
 RESPECTED SIR As Chairman of a "committee" appointed at 
 an "adjourned meeting" of the "chartered and incorporated"
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Society of "True and Loyal Brothers of the Seven League" to 
 solicit funds for the further aid and establishment of said "socie 
 ty," do do herein present to your honorable body our petition for 
 " financial aid" in order to prepare, erect and complete a thorough 
 first-class "walking rink," with all the modern improvements 
 (bay windows, hot and cold water, etc.), for the purpose of de 
 veloping the latent physical powers of the colored race in this, 
 our glorious and happy land. The early remittance of a fifty 
 dollar check will meet with a hearty approval on the part of the 
 undersigned; and am authorized to say that in such an event a 
 " memorial window," with a soutlurn exposure, will be erected to 
 the honor and glory of your honorable body on the final comple 
 tion of this colossal monument of modern architecture. To this 
 will be added a glorious consciousness of having nobly responded 
 to the call of suffering " colored humanity," myriads of whom 
 are daily dying in darkest ignorance of the science and enligh 
 tenment of this, our nineteenth century. Heed the cry of the 
 widow and the orphan, which is wafted on every breeze o er our 
 fair Southern land, echoed in the glens and vales of the Indian 
 nation and borne on this tidal wave to our " migrating brethren" 
 in the wilds of Kansas where gathering renewed force it thun 
 ders reverberate on the shores of the Artie Ocean, and with free 
 hearts and willing hands put your shoulders to the wheel. 
 Most Sincerely Your " Expectent" Servant, 
 
 ERASMUS DAILY DEWITT, 
 
 Chairman. 
 
 Gem len," said the President, as he slowly rose 
 up after the reading; and took a long squint at the 
 Sacred Bear-Trap, " when de time arroves dat dis 
 Club favors de walking-match bizness I want to be 
 in dat land whar all de populashuii use wings stead 
 of legs to git from place to place. De difference 
 tween a loafer on de corner an one in a rink am so 
 mighty small dat an ole man like me am all mixed 
 up, an we will now drap de subjeck,
 
 206 THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 
 
 THEIR ANSWER. 
 
 Last week the Committee on the Judiciary and 
 Buckwheat Interest were asked to report in one 
 week on the conundrum of the Attorney-General of 
 Iowa: "What do you consider the first duty of a 
 man who finds a sack of flour in the road on a dark 
 night, with no one around to see him shoulder it?" 
 The Committee, through its Chairman, the Hon. 
 Benign Crabtree, submitted the following answer: 
 
 " De undersigned got to-gedder an took in de 
 queshun, an dar war only ten minits in arriving at 
 a delushun. Dat delusluin am to de effeck dat sich 
 a streak of good luck doan happen once in ten thous 
 and years, but when she does happen it am de duty 
 of de finder to take de fiour home an eat it up to 
 keep it from being struck by lightning." 
 
 DISSENTERS. 
 
 Trustee Fullback and Deacon Sunshade hoped the 
 report would not bo adopted. It was their firm con 
 viction that the find should be advertised in all the 
 morning papers and held thirty days for a claimant. 
 If none appeared at that time the property should 
 be turned over to an orphan asylum. The Club, 
 however, adopted the report by a large majority, and 
 when the vote was announced Samuel Shin s feet 
 made so much hurrah that the bear-trap fell from 
 its hook and cut a bad gash in the scalp of Lord 
 Cornwallis Jones, who was dreaming he was flirting 
 with an octoroon on the ferry boat. 
 
 THANKS AND MODESTY. 
 
 THE Janitor s face wore a more pleasant look than 
 for weeks before as he flourished, his dusting-cloth
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 207 
 
 around and proudly pointed first-comers to a box 
 behind the President s chair. Some kind friend at 
 Marietta, Ga., had forwarded the Club a horse-pis 
 tol, once the property of Thomas Jefferson, a biscuit 
 cutter used by Martha "Washington, a grindstone on 
 which Andrew Jackson sharpened his knife before 
 paring down his corns, and a coon-skin cap which 
 John Brown had worn. 
 
 THANKS. 
 
 "On behalf of de Club I return thanks for dese 
 artikles of intelligence an historic assumption," 
 said Brother Gardner when the meeting had open 
 ed. " Two y ars ago de only artikle of refinement 
 an culchur in dis Hall was dat b ar-trap hangin up 
 dar. Look ober de walls now an behold what a 
 change! Two y ars ago none of us could appreciate 
 de red an yaller streaks in a chroemeo. Now w r e 
 neber git tired of drinkin dem in. Progreshun hez 
 been de word from de fust send-off, an let progresh- 
 un be our motto in de days to come. De Janitor, 
 assisted by de culchured Seckretary, an bossed by 
 de eminent Treasurer, will adorn de walls wid 
 dese furder relics at de speediest convenient occa- 
 shun." 
 
 MODESTY, THOU ART A DIAMOND. 
 
 The very first letter opened by the Secretary as he 
 turned to his desk, caused a grand flutter of excite 
 ment in the Hall. It contained a communication 
 from the President of a well known college confer 
 ring upon Brother Gardner the title of LL. D.,and 
 upon Sir Isaac Walpole that of A. B,
 
 208 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " Fo do Lawd, but jiss listen to dat!" yelled 
 Trustee Fullback, as he rose up and swung his hat. 
 
 There was a grand yell from every member pres 
 ent, and during the excitement Samuel Shin man 
 aged to get in his work on the stove-pipe, knocking 
 it down for the fifth time in three months. When 
 the excitement somewhat subsided, the President 
 arose and said: 
 
 " Gem len, I am tooken by surprise. Had a pock 
 et-book wid fifty dollars in it dropped frew de roof, 
 de cold chills couldn t creep up my back any faster. 
 But surprised or prepared, dar am but one course to 
 take. I shell decline de title." 
 
 A groan of anguish resounded through the Hall. 
 
 " Gem len, you forgit dat titles am only worn on 
 de sleeve," continued the President. " We liev 
 seen judges put off de bench for corrupshun. We 
 know aldermen who kin be bought for money. Doc 
 tors of divinity hev stolen horses,- and bachelors of 
 art hev robbed smoke-houses. I has tried hard to 
 win de title of an honest, hard-workin man, who 
 kin behave like a gem len at all times an in all 
 places, an dat s title miff fur me. I am pleased at 
 de compliment, an am pleased to see de Club take 
 it as an honor, but I must firmly decline to lengthen 
 out my name." 
 
 Gem len an brudders," began Sir Isaac as he 
 rose up, " I am an ole man. Ize gettin so tremblin 
 an feeble dat I kin hardly walk about, an I know 
 dat de time am not fur ahead when dey shall hear 
 my knock at Heaven s gate. I hev tried to do right 
 by all, an dat feelin am worf a fousand times more 
 to me dan all de titles all do colleges in de land kin
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 209 
 
 kivor me up wid.. Tell em dey hev my thanks, but 
 dey kin tie de title to somebody who needs it afore 
 he kin git trusted at de grocery." 
 
 NINE HOSSES AN A DOG. 
 
 " GEM LEN," said Brother Gardner, as Wendell 
 Philips Pratt got away from the stove after burning 
 his knee on the hot iron, " some of de members of 
 dis Club hev risen to de importance of ownin a hoss 
 an a dog. So fur as de dog am consarned I doan 
 keer, kase he am expected to pick up a bone heah 
 an a cold tater dere, an scrub around an keep fat, 
 but de case am different wid a hoss who am tied up 
 or hitched up all day an all night. I war lookin 
 round de odder day, an I found dat out of seven 
 bosses owned by members of dis Club five war so 
 poor an pale an sorrowful an cast down dat life 
 war a burden to dem an dey didn t care a cent whed- 
 der school kept or not. Now, it am my opinyon dat 
 de man who can t even feed a hoss on bran an dried 
 apples an make him puff out an look decent had 
 better sell out an put his capital into a cart, which 
 doan hev to be rubbed down or fed or watered, an 
 which doan get de eperzootic jist when you want 
 to use it de moas. Last Sunday I saw nine shades 
 an a dog bein drawed around by a hoss owned by 
 a member of dis Club, an de smallest nigger in de 
 lot was bigger dan de hoss. Sech exhibitions of put- 
 tin on style are not only bad on de hoss, but white 
 folks stop on de corners an cry out: De Lime-Kiln 
 Club am gwine up to Fisher s! I doan call eny 
 names, but I am gwine to remark dat if de seven
 
 210 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 bosses, owned by members of dis Club, doan git 
 moar oats an bay an less Club somebody will be 
 walked up heah an talked to, an de Club will pass a 
 resolushun to do its sleigh-riden on a hand sled." 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 The following eminent gentlemen were put 
 through tbe bean box with neatness and dispatch: 
 C. Columbus Herrington, of Georgia; Thomas Car- 
 lyle Stub, of Pennsylvania; Juan Scott, of Illinois; 
 Thomas Benton Smith, of New York; Thurlow Weed 
 Hopkins, of New Brunswick and Judge Summer 
 Todd, of Ohio. Mr. Scott claims to be the only col 
 ored man in this country who can go upon the stage 
 and act the part of " Hamlet." He has had a broth 
 er in the Louisiana Legislature, another in State 
 Prison and is otherwise prominent. Mr. Stub s char 
 acter was vouched for by three Pittsburgh bankers, 
 one of whom added to his recommend: 
 
 "I think he d subscribe fifty thousand dollars to 
 the Washington monument as quick as a wink, if 
 he only had the cash to spare. His greatest failure 
 is his innocence, and the fact that he won t swear 
 when he stubs his toe." 
 
 IN MEMORIAM. 
 
 Samuel Shin here got the floor, rising to a question 
 of privilege, and inquired if the Club were expected 
 to pass resolutions of grief whenever a Legislature 
 adjourned. He had been informed that over twenty 
 different Legislatures were now in session, and the 
 Club should be prepared with some sort of resolu 
 tion that could be applied to each body as it broke 
 up in the spring.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 211 
 
 " Brudder Shin, dar s brains in your head as well 
 as fat," replied the President. " De queshuii am. 
 well taken an de idea good. De Committee on de 
 Judishery will retire an report a resolushun wid 
 pathos in it." 
 
 THEY DID. 
 
 The committee cooled their heels in the ante-room 
 five or six minutes ond then returned and reported 
 the following: 
 
 " IWi ams, De Legislachur of de State of was composed 
 
 of all de best talent dat could be foun in town or kentry; an 
 
 " Wli aras, De body was unanimously in favor of reform, econ 
 omy an public wellfar , an not a speech was wasted doorin de 
 hull seshun; an 
 
 " Wh aras, Such anodder body kin never agin be collected to- 
 geder, for want of talent; now, darfour, 
 
 "Ifesolved, Dat de corpse has our heartfelt sympathy, an de 
 widder an de fadderless our assurance dat what am deir loss am 
 de kentry s gain." 
 
 The preamble and resolution were adopted, and 
 the Secretary was instructed to make out as many 
 copies as there are legislatures in session, and hold 
 himself ready to forward to each at the proper time. 
 
 REMARKS. 
 
 It may be here remarked that no member of this 
 Club is looking for the next Presidency, or wants 
 further renown than what a good, square job of 
 whitewashing will bring him in. The Rev. Pen 
 stock used to be a little anxious to spread himself 
 over more or less territory, but of late he has seen 
 the error of his ways and hardly ever interrupts the 
 meeting
 
 212 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 A letter signed Jonas Parker, dated at Scottsville, 
 O , and making inquiries concerning the present 
 buckwheat crop, called forth the following report 
 from the Committee on Agriculture: 
 
 Dis Committee yesterday visited fo hardware 
 stores an a butcher shop to ax bout dis vary buck 
 wheat crap, an de reports in each case war to de ef- 
 feck dat de crap am on de hum. All de prospecks 
 pint to buckwheat cakes fur breakfast till de cook 
 am tired in de elbows." 
 
 RATHER EMBARRASSING. 
 
 A Chicago statistician, of curious turn of mind 
 made inquiry by letter as to the exact length of the 
 shortest pair of feet in the Club. As the Secretary 
 read the letter, sixty four pair of feet were suddenly 
 drawn under chairs and benches. The sixty-fifth 
 pair, belonging to Elder Toots, were too large to be 
 hauled away all at once, and they therefore stood 
 out like Jay Cooke s kitchen expenses. 
 
 " Dat am aleadin queshun," replied Brother Gard 
 ner, as he looked around the Hall. " It am my pri 
 vate opinyun dat de length of a man s feet do not 
 properly come under de head of public staytisticks, 
 an de Seckretary needn t bodder hisself to answer 
 de letter. Among de home industries built up by 
 de organizashun of dis Club am the rapid sale of No. 
 14 butes an brogans, but furder dan dis I hev no 
 partickulers." 
 
 WASHINGTON S CAMP CHAIR. 
 
 SOME friend in Milwaukee had forwarded to the 
 Club the Camp-chair used by Cren. Washington at
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 213 
 
 Valley Forge, and the present so excited the Janitor 
 that in building a fire for the \v eekly meeting, he 
 put his hat in the stove under the kindlings and 
 tried to hang a bundle of shavings on the hat-rack. 
 The Janitor is a well posted man on American his 
 tory. As the members gathered, he put the chair 
 on the Secretary s desk and explained: 
 
 " It seems as if I almost knode dis chair, kase I ve 
 read of it so often. Right on de arm heah you see 
 de syllables G. W. George Washington cut em 
 dar wid his own hand. He wasn t proud an stuck 
 up, but yet lie liked to rest his back in a good chair. 
 Seated in dis cha r in front of his tent he bossed de 
 offisurs dis way an de sojers dat way, an not a kick 
 from de mules an hosses scaped dat vigilunt eye. 
 Dis cha r went inter camp wid him, fought, bled an 
 died wid him, an den was taken out West to brace 
 up. It am a free gift to dis Club, an though the 
 b ar trap an de coffee mill an de paintin s an de od 
 der relics am more or less waluable, dis ole man am 
 gwine to see dis cha r right f rew de campaign or die 
 in de attempt." 
 
 NO SORE HEEL BELIEF. 
 
 " GEM LEN," said the president, as he picked up a 
 bundle of letters marked "important," " I has of 
 ten bin axed doorin de past y ar if members of dis 
 Club who am laid up wid a sore heel am titled to de 
 benefits of de relief fund. I has neber till to-day 
 bin quite satisfied on dis pint, but now I am about 
 to decide it. If a man falls sick, dat s sickness, an 
 he can t help it. If he breaks his leg. dat s an axi-
 
 214 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 dent sent by Providence. If he gits hit on de head 
 by an icicle, dat s luck. But de man who deliberate 
 ly sots down an lets a sore heel fasten its jaws upon 
 him am either too lazy to breathe or too smart to be- 
 longvto dis Club. I darfore decide right heah dat 
 eny an all claims for sore heel relief filed wid de 
 Seckretary will be used to kindle de fiah." 
 
 MISSING LINKS. 
 
 Some weeks since petitions were received from 
 Gen. Scott Boodles, of Alabama, and Elder White- 
 head, of Virginia, and the committee to whom they 
 were referred were not ready to report back until 
 this meeting. Their work had been very thorough. 
 They had ascertained that the General was last year 
 locked up for having thirteen dead chickens under 
 the bed, and the Elder was known to have three 
 wives and strongly suspected of hiding two more in 
 the woods. The Committee therefore reported ad 
 versely on the petitions, and the same were ordered 
 to the waste-basket. 
 
 " SUNDRIES." 
 
 In the weekly report of the Treasurer it was dis 
 covered that he had fourteen cents charged up under 
 the head of " sundries," and when he had finished 
 his reading the President observed: 
 
 " While I am free to say dat our respected Treas 
 urer injoys my full confidence, I neberdemoar re 
 gard it as my dooty to ax him to splain dat item a 
 leetle clusser. Nuffin in de bizness of dis Club must 
 be kivered up wid big words." 
 
 " Why, dem fo teen cents went for sundries," ex 
 plained the official.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUS. 216 
 
 "Sartin sartin; but does dat mean railroad ties 
 Of spring overcoats?" 
 
 " I paid out nine cents for candles an be balance 
 for matches." 
 
 " Wery well dat s perfeckly plain to de Club. 
 After dis occashun, to save axin queshuns, de brud- 
 der had better put de word sundries in de wood- 
 box an specify each item. Matches an* candles am 
 mighty handy to hev aroun de Hall, but sundries 
 haint worf storage room." 
 
 ON DE MULE. 
 
 The Secretary announced that he held in his hand 
 a communication from Kentucky, asking the Club 
 if mules was a favorite animal in this neighborhood 
 and how the climate seemed to affect them. The 
 President was about to refer the matter to the Com 
 mittee on the Future of our Country, when Cinna 
 mon Johnson rose from his seat and desired to be 
 heard. Leave being granted, he said: 
 
 " I was bo n longside de mewl. I knows him 
 from his nose to his hind hoof. Ize driv him an he 
 has driv me. De mewl in de Norf am not a success. 
 De climate am right nuff an de feed am good nuff, 
 but de roads an de streets am so narrow up heah dat 
 you can t git a good swing to a fence-rail when you 
 want to hit a mewl." 
 
 HE JURY SYSTEM. 
 
 A communication signed by six lawyers of Mobile 
 desired to know if the Club had ever discussed the 
 jury system, and if so, what decision had been ar 
 rived at. Brother Gardner explained that the ques 
 tion had never been called up, so far as he could re-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 member, and he sat down to give members a chance 
 to express their sentiments. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock was of the opinion that a man 
 who stole a dog could never be convicted by a jury, 
 and he believed that the day had come when either 
 juries or dogs must go out of existence. 
 
 Trustee Fullback rather favored the jury system. 
 But for a jury of six good men he would once have 
 gone to jail on the charge of crooking six hens, 
 because a few heads, legs and feathers were found 
 in his back yard. 
 
 The Hon. Reason Castaway had several times 
 been on the jury, and it was his opinion that if they 
 were better provided with watermelons, grapes, 
 pears, small-beer and gingerbread, they would ar 
 rive at more just and reasonable verdicts. 
 
 Waydown Bebee rather favored the jury system. 
 He was once in court on charge of lugging off a 
 wheelbarrow belonging to another man, and the 
 judge looked so kind and fatherly that Mr. Bebee 
 did not call for a jury. The result was that he was 
 not only convicted of taking the wheelbarrow, but 
 of loading it with potatoes before he started. 
 
 Several other individuals expressed their opinions 
 favorable or unfavorable, and the President wound 
 up the discussion by saying: 
 
 " It seems to be de gineral sentiment of dis Club 
 dat de jury system am all right, whar it finds a ver 
 dict in favor of de defendant." 
 
 VOTED DOWN. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock offered a resolution to the ef 
 fect that his desk be furnished with a twelve shilling
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 217 
 
 inkstand, but the Club voted down the proposition 
 almost unanimously, the President saying: 
 
 " Benjamin Franklin he used an old pepper-box 
 fur an inkstand nigh onto fo teen y ars, an I doan 
 believe dat any member of dis Club am a bigger 
 man dan he was." 
 
 POETRY 
 
 Waydown Bebee got the floor and stated his be 
 lief that American poets were languishing for the 
 want of encouragement and support. In this coun 
 try, he remarked, the man who jumps ten feet or 
 swallows a sword is looked upon with the greatest 
 admiration, -while the man who composes a poem or 
 an idyl must walk in the middle of the road to pre 
 vent people barking his shins. He believed that po 
 etry softened the heart, reformed the wicked and 
 cheered the weary, and he truly hoped that the 
 Lime-Kiln Club would take a step in advance and 
 hold out encouragement to those poetically inclined. 
 
 Elder Bacon Jones and several others expressed 
 favorable opinions, and when the discussion had 
 ceased Brother Gardner said: 
 
 " I isn t much given to poetry myself. My ole 
 woman sometimes takes a piece of chalk an dashes 
 off a verse or two on de wood-house doah, but I run 
 mo to biled dinners dan to poetry. Howsumeber, it 
 may be well to encourage de poets, an it may be 
 well for dis Club to walk up to de head of de class 
 in sich a movement. 
 
 DE BALANCE OF TRADE. 
 
 When the venerable pate of the President ap 
 peared at the head of the stairs Waydown Bebee
 
 218 THE LIME-KILN CLUE. 
 
 ^ 
 
 and the Hon. Pope Harrison were engaged in an ani 
 mated discussion on the subject of the balance of 
 trade, Samuel Shin was looking at the stove-pipe to 
 see what effect his falling over the stove had had 
 upon it, and Trustee Fullback was slyly perusing a 
 circular sent him from the east with an offer to fur 
 nish him with counterfeit money for fifteen cents on 
 the dollar. There was a general scattering for seats, 
 and during the confusion Elder Toots, who had al 
 most fallen asleep on a stool, was upset and stepped 
 on and mashed so flat that the buttons on his vest 
 were found to be nine inches out of plumb. 
 
 " Doorin de last few days I hez often been axed 
 to splain what de balance of trade was," remarked 
 Brother Gardner as the notes of the triangle died 
 away. " A-cordin to Waydown Bebee it means de 
 cash dis kentry takes in fur de mules it ships abroad. 
 A-cordin to de Hon. Pope Harrison, it means de 
 board bills left behind in Washington by members 
 of Congress when dat body a-jurns. Boaf of dese 
 extinguished gem len am barkin up de wrong tree. 
 De balance of trade, my frens, hez nuffin to do wid 
 buyin codfish at seven cents a pound, or stove black- 
 in at ten cents a bundle. It hez nuffiii to do wid de 
 water melyon sezun nor de persimmon crop. If I 
 sell Judge Cokernut Jackson more taters dan he sells 
 me, den de balance of trade am in my favor pur- 
 vidin I eber git my pay. No member of dis Club 
 hez any call to git excited ober de balance of trade 
 queshun. It won t keep us in meat an taters, an it 
 won t pay de preacher. Our bizness am to keep 
 gwine right ahead wid de purfeshun of putin on 
 whitewash an shinin up stoves, an de more we 
 tend to our work de less danger we run of gittin
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 219 
 
 dizzy-headed ober de queslmns which floor de smart 
 est white men straight from de shoulder." 
 
 BANKS AND WOOD PILES. 
 
 THE Committee on Banks and Banking, who have 
 been very quiet for several months past, announced 
 to the great surprise of the Club that they had a re 
 port ready. Being told to proceed, Windfall Coop 
 er, the Chairman, submitted a well-written report, 
 advocating the organization of one or more night 
 banks in every town and city. All day banks now 
 close at 4 p. M., and after that hour no business can 
 be transacted with them. The Committee held that 
 there should be other banks to open their doors from 
 that hour until 9 o clock A. M., and cited several in 
 stances where strangers had been obliged to travel 
 around for half an hour to get small change for a 
 quarter in order to pay a boot-black. One might 
 have ever so good an opportunity to buy or sell a 
 dog after banking hours, but no check could be 
 cashed. The Club voted to adopt the report, and af 
 ter some discussion it was resolved that the organi 
 zation use its influence to bring about a new state 
 of banking affairs. 
 
 A RECESS. 
 
 A recess was here taken to permit the President 
 to go down stairs and meet a man who wanted to 
 borrow $5 and leave a wheelbarrow as security, and 
 the Glee Club improved the time by singing and 
 playing a new melody by Samuel Shin, entitled: 
 " De Crops." The first verse is as follows:
 
 230 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 " De summer s gwine fast away, 
 
 De fall am almost heah ; 
 De crops am jist a whoopin up, 
 Each darkey s heart to cheer. 
 Sing hey, darkeys 
 
 Taters mighty big; 
 Squashes lyin all around, 
 An turnips dance a jig." 
 
 SPECIAL REPORT. 
 
 The Special Committee of three, to whom was re 
 ferred the question as to whether a member of the 
 Club could conscientiously live all winter next door 
 to a school house with a big wood-pile attached, an 
 nounced that they were ready to report. 
 
 "We hez looked at dis queshun from all de pints 
 of de compass," began the Chairman as he got his 
 balance. " On dis side of de fence am a member of 
 dis Club an his family. On de odder side am a big 
 wood-pile an de school house janitor. Dat s de sit- 
 uashun. In de fust place de member didn t put dat 
 wood-pile dar . In de next place de wood-pile had 
 nuffin to do wid his movin in. Dey am perfeck 
 strangers to each odder. We doan say dat de jani 
 tor won t miss mo or less wood dis winter, but we 
 hez nuff confidence in our brudder to believe dat, in 
 de fust place, he will buy his own wood; in de next 
 place, de man who lives longside of a big wood-pile 
 an steals any mo dan he kin crowd in de stove to 
 once am weak in de top story." 
 
 The report was placed on file, and the President 
 remarked that he would take the matter under con 
 sideration for a few days longer.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 221 
 
 NO ALLIANCE. 
 
 The Secretary of the " Society for the* mitigation 
 of the Condition of the Heathen in Africa," having 
 its headquarters at Canton, O., forwarded a certified 
 copy of the following resolution passed by that So 
 ciety at a late meeting: 
 
 "Resolved, That the Lime-Kiln Club of Detroit be requested to 
 hereafter act in concert with this society in its future great work 
 of bettering the social and moral condition of the African 
 heathen." 
 
 The Secretary passed the resolution over to 
 Brother Gardner, who read it over to himself and 
 said: 
 
 " 1 spect dar be hethuns in Africa, an I spect we 
 orter feel much obleeged for dis invitashun to jine 
 dat society in its great work, but if de African 
 Jiethun waits for dis yere Club to whoop up de nikc- 
 els to lift him on de top shelf of society, he won t 
 git dar for a fousand y ars to come! De Seckretary 
 may write back dat we doaii ciprocate worf a cent 
 on de African bizness." 
 
 A LOAN WANTED. 
 
 The Secretary announced a letter from Julius 
 Hannibal Scott, of Morristown, Tenn., asking a tem 
 porary loan of fifteen cents, and promising to re 
 fund it at the earliest opportunity. Samuel Shin 
 was about to arise and offer a resolution granting 
 the loan, when the President waved him down and 
 said: 
 
 " Dis Club makes no loans of less dan $15,000, on 
 account of de trouble of makin out de papers an 
 puttin letters in de post-office. J)e request of Misser
 
 222 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Scott will darefore be classed under de head of neg 
 lected communicashuns. " 
 
 ABOUT ODES. 
 
 The Hon. Binghampton Jones here arose to a 
 question of privilege. He said that he was daily 
 pained and yet forced to realize the fact that the 
 colored people of America had no national ode. 
 The white man had the "Star Spangled Banner," 
 " Pinafore," and "The Man From Pike" to select 
 from on Fourths of July, and the Presidential ova 
 tions, but the colored man could call no song his 
 own. Re had given the subject serious considera 
 tion, and he hoped that the Lime-Kiln Club would 
 at once move in the matter. It might not have a 
 poet among its members capable of producing a 
 great national colored song, but it could influence 
 other poets to begin work and rest not until song or 
 ode or chant or anthem was finished. 
 
 "It may be," began the President, as he rose up 
 to reply, " dat de cull d f olkses of dis kentry am 
 forgettin who dey are, but I reckon not. It may be 
 dat de hull race am ready to frow overboard all de 
 happy songs of ole slave days an take up wid some 
 new fangled music dat runs up to de high C s, but I 
 can t believe it. Brudder Jones complains dat we 
 have no ode. Ask Sir Isaac Walpole, Waydown 
 Bebee, Judge Tompkins or Elder Toots if dey eber 
 heard de melody of " Gwine Back Home to Die" 
 floatin ober de ole plantashun at sunset, an ask 
 dem what man could make a sweeter song. Fur 
 fifty long y ars we hev bin singin melodies that no 
 other race of people kin sing, an now we are axed 
 to frow em aside an begin on a whoop an eand on
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 223 
 
 a growl. We can t do it, an we won t do it! You 
 may pile up odes as high as dis Hall an yit our race 
 will turn away from dem an sing: 
 
 Ize growin ole an weary now, 
 I cannot work no more 
 
 Sit down, Brudder Jones, an meanwhile let de 
 triangle sound an de meetin be upsot fur one 
 week. 1 
 
 DE OLE MAN MOSHER. 
 
 "LAST night, jist as de ole woman was grindin 
 up de butcher-knife to cut her corns, dar cum a 
 knock on de doah," began the old man, as Paradise 
 Hall grew quiet. "It war de ole man Mosher, an 
 I could see right away dat he didn t feel in whoop- 
 in speerits. I reckon you all knows de ole man, an 
 you knows he am hard-workin an honest. Well, 
 he, was ober dar to see about his son Hunyadus. Dat 
 Hunyadus am a powerful bad boy an I knows it, 
 an de ole man he sot down an tole me dat de day 
 had arrove when he could no longer control de boy. 
 Yes, he sot dar on de edge of de wood-box an cried 
 like a chile cause dat Hunyadus had cum home an 
 cussed around, an axed for money, an declared he d 
 bust de hull family or hev it. I axed him how ole 
 de boy was, an he wiped his nose an said sixteen. 
 I axed him how much de boy weighed, an he looked 
 up at de ceilin an said about a hundred and twenty. 
 Den I pushed de tea-kettle furder back on de stove 
 an I went fur de ole man like a steamboat sploshun. 
 De ideah of a boy like dat runnin de house made me
 
 224 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 mad all de way up an down, an I tole Mosher if he 
 didn t go home an flop dat Himyadus outer his butes 
 an den mop him around till he cried quits, dat he 
 must nebber darken my gate agin. He got up an 
 he went, an I was clus behind him. Dat boy was 
 still in de house, blufh n de ole woman around an 
 kickin de dog under de stove, an de opportunity 
 was all dat could be axed fur. De ole man bounced 
 in, walt/ed up to de wayward chile, and de way he 
 made de fur fly tickled me all ober. When I left de 
 winder Hunyadus was wipin de tears away wid one 
 hand an eatin cold pancakes wid de odder, an de 
 ole man had sich a smile as I hevn t seen on his face 
 for ober seben years." 
 
 After the applause had subsided the President con 
 tinued : 
 
 "Treat your boys kindly an like a good fadder 
 should, but when a son gets de big head an emagines 
 dat he kin run de caboose widout help from de ole 
 folks, an dat he am master of his days an nights, 
 sot right down on him like a bag of sand fallin from 
 de roof-top! Let him know who owns de cabin an 
 who brings in de purvishuns; an hang, onto his wool 
 long nuff to convince him dat you am not too old to 
 know what sort of store-clothes look de best on a 
 poor man s son." 
 
 THE ONLY RELIABLE. 
 
 THE Committee on the Judiciary, who had been 
 asked to investigate and report as to the best trade 
 for colored boys to pursue, submitted the following: 
 
 "De Committee am devided on dis subjeck. De 
 barber trade am looked upon wid affeckshun by
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 225 
 
 some an wid distrust by odders. DC waiter trade 
 jist suits part of de Committee an repels de balance. 
 Driving a coal cart am recommended by some and 
 rejected by de rest. De majority of dis Committee 
 am, however, of de opinyun dat, while de waiter 
 bizness an de barber trade may make de moas 
 money in a rush, dar s no weapon like de whitewash 
 brush fur standing right by you all de y ar round. 
 It doan eat anyfing, it doan take up any room, an 
 it am always on hand when you want it. White- 
 washin was interdooced in dis kentry in de y ar 1493, 
 an it hez been growing fonder in de affeck shuns of 
 de public eber since. It improves de ceilins. whitens 
 de walls, an makes old fences look like new. Ebery 
 respectable family shouldn t be widout it. Taking 
 all rings into considerashun, de biggest part of dis 
 Committee am darfore of de opinyun dat de white 
 wash trade am de moas reliabul one open to de col 
 ored youfs of de land." 
 
 The Rev. Penstock took exceptions to the report. 
 He said that every colored boy in the land could be 
 made a preacher of just as well as not, and those 
 who didn t take to preaching would naturally turn 
 to astronomy, philosophy and other scientific pur 
 suits. 
 
 Elder Toots, Trustee Fullback, Windfall Cooper 
 and others supported the majority report, and it was 
 finally adopted as the sentiments of the Club. 
 
 A MISSING LINK. 
 
 It was announced at the last meeting that Col. 
 John Pinchbar, of Missouri, would probably deliver 
 a speech before this meeting, but he failed to come 
 to time. He, however, forwarded his speech in.
 
 226 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 writing, which Brother Gardner looked over and re 
 marked: 
 
 " Dis speech seems to be on de subjeck of rag car 
 pet. De Kernel takes de ground dat rag carpets am 
 fadin away befo de busy march of progress, an it 
 am my opinyun dat de Kernel had better fade too. 
 De rest of de speech will be laid on de shelf." 
 
 GIFTS FROM THE WEST. 
 
 The Secretary apoligized for disturbing the routine 
 of the meeting, and stated that he was in receipt of 
 a fine crayon likeness of Abraham Lincoln, not yet 
 unboxed, accompanied by some very appropriate 
 poetry, botli the gift of "Kit," of Wyoming. The 
 poetry was at once read to the Club: 
 
 THE OLD PAKKEY S HOPE. 
 
 [Respectfully Dedicated to " Brudder Gardner. ] 
 Dese eyes is get tin old an dim, dis wool s jes like de snow, 
 
 Au dese poo ole legs kin sca eely move along, 
 Bel oh anoder wintah comes de ole man s gwine to go, 
 
 Whar de angels sing de halleluyah song. 
 De joy dat rises in dis breast am hid from mortal view, 
 
 It s a feeliri white folks cannot understan , 
 Foh when I gits to Heaben s gate, an Peter lets me froo, 
 
 I kin take ole Massa Linkum by de han 
 
 Fo many long an dreary yea s before de sogers come, 
 
 I toiled beneaf de sun in Tenessee, 
 Oh, how us darkeys shouted when we heard de beatin drum, 
 
 Kase we knowed fur suah we se gwine to be free, 
 An \vhen de proclamation come we all got down to pray, 
 
 An axed de Lo d to bless dat holy man. 
 An I knows dat when I finds him in dat Heaben so fa away, 
 
 He ll let rle ole man take him by de han . 
 
 While wand rin froo dis weary world Ize of en, of en found. 
 My cup of sorrer filled clear to de brim
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 22? 
 
 An Ize of en wished I war at rest down in de col , col ground, 
 
 Fo I nebber feared dat King of Terrors grim. 
 But soon de veil will roll away from off his dreary spot, 
 
 An I ll see de beauties ob de promised laii", 
 An I know dat all de pains of earth will be done gone fo got 
 
 When I feels de clasp ob Massa Linkum s han . 
 
 Den soun yo trumpet, Gabriel, an call de ole man home, 
 
 Fo Ize tired a libin in dis world ob pain. 
 I wants to git to Heaben, whar no mo in grief" I ll roam, 
 
 An nebber suffeh pain an woe again. 
 An when I gets inside de gate Ize gwine right out to hunt 
 
 All ober glory s bright an happy Ian , 
 An when I sees dat good ole man I ll march right up in front 
 
 An take ole Massa Linkum by de hun. 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 Under this head the Secretary read a letter from 
 Doctor William Henry Johnsing, of Hornellsville, 
 N. Y., asking the Club to accept a painting repre 
 senting several chickens in the roost. The Rev. Pen 
 stock at once arose to a question of privilege. He 
 thought the offer was a direct insult to the Club, and 
 he hoped it would not be accepted. 
 
 " Brudder Penstock, I doan see de insult," replied 
 the President. " Dis am only a painting, an you 
 couldn t take dem chickens off de roost if you should 
 try all night." 
 
 Mr. Penstock sat down amid a general laugh, and 
 the Club voted to accept the painting. 
 
 ACCEPTED. 
 
 The Club by a unanimous vote decided to accept 
 the offer of Louis C. Briggs, of Charlotte, Mich., to 
 deliver before it some time during February a lec 
 ture entitled; "How I Got Left in Lansing." Mr,
 
 228 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Briggs was a candidate for the position of boss of 
 the cloak-room during the present session of the 
 Legislature, and while he didn t miss the train and 
 have to wait over he was " left" all the same. It is 
 understood that his lecture will explain how thirteen 
 State Senators pooled their influence against him 
 and supported a colored man who went out there 
 from Jackson with a new brand of stomach bitters 
 and a pocket full of cigars. 
 
 REPORTS. 
 
 The Committee on the Judiciary reported that the 
 following petitions had been drawn up, numerously 
 signed, and forwarded to the Legislature: 
 
 1. Petition for a law to permit the killing of brush 
 boys attached to barber shops, and to make it a penal 
 offense for any barber to ask a man to have his hair 
 cut from December 1 to April 1. 
 
 2. Petition for a State Observatory for the use of 
 colored people; also, that at least one-half of the 
 Lighthouses around the Michigan coast be named in 
 honor of Colored Generals who fell during the late 
 war. 
 
 3. Petition for a law to permit colored people equal 
 facilities for securing front seats at the Fourth of 
 July fireworks, and for the better protection of dogs 
 belonging to colored men. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock was selected as a representa 
 tive of the Club to proceed to the Capitol and urge 
 upon the body the importance of these contemplated 
 acts, and the meeting then adjourned.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 229 
 
 SIGNED "X." 
 
 "GEM LEN, an onpleasant dooty am forced upon 
 me by de pressure of circumstances," began Brother 
 Gardner as the Hall grew quiet. " De odder evenin 
 as I war reclinin on de kitchen lounge, a rap was 
 heard at de doah, an de follerin note was put in my 
 hands: 
 
 "BROTHER GARDNER. If you will follow the bearer of this, 
 you will discover a number of this Club engaged in a very disre 
 putable business. X. 
 
 " I followed de boy. In a barn in an alley off 
 Hastings street de diskivery was made. A member 
 of dis Club was dar, engaged in puttin up a dog 
 fight, an about forty specktators were on hand to 
 see de fun. I looked frew de cracks an seen de 
 hull performance. De dog owned by de Lime-Kiln 
 man licked de odder canine in about ten minits, an 
 five dollars changed hands. But de blush of pride 
 didn t come to my cheek on dat account. If dar ever 
 war a time when I liked to see a dog fight it war 
 way back in de forties. It am a cruel, bad bizness, 
 too low for decent men to encourage or engaige in, 
 an it am now my painful dooty to ax Brudder 
 Philbrick Gladstone to stand up an let himself be 
 seen." 
 
 HE STOOD. 
 
 The member mentioned slowly arose. The pro 
 ceedings were a perfect thunder-clap to him. As he 
 reached his feet and found sixty or seventy pair of 
 eyes turned upon him, he would have resumed his 
 bench if the thoughtful Jan. Harrison hadn t been 
 behind him with a darning-needle.
 
 230 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "I Ize heah, sah!" he gasped, as he turned to 
 the platform. 
 
 "De Brudder will step seben or eight paces dis 
 way," said the President. 
 
 He walked slowly forward, his knees playing a 
 tune and his color fading to the complexion of 
 French wall-paper, and when he was in position the 
 President arose and said: 
 
 "Brudder Philbrick Gladstone, you hez heard de 
 charges. Am you guilty or innocent?" 
 
 " I war dar, an I owned de winnin dorg," was the 
 reply. 
 
 " Well, de sentence am dat you hand ober de five 
 dollars to de library fund of dis Club, an dat you 
 sign a pledge neber to engage in such low bizness 
 agin. In case you refuse to hand over an sign, your 
 name will be crossed from de roll, an dis hall won t 
 see you any more." 
 
 The Brother handed over the cash without hesita 
 tion, signed a written pledge, and as he returned to 
 his seat he had to unbutton his vest to give play to 
 his heartfelt emotions. He will doubtless be found 
 in the front rank of philanthropists and humanitar 
 ians after this. 
 
 FROM THE PEOPLE. 
 
 A petition signed by forty-eight colored people of 
 Texas was presented to the Club, in hopes that it 
 might use its influence with the Agricultural Bureau 
 at Washington for the introduction of a species of 
 string-beans which would curl to the left when 
 climbing a pole. All beans now climb to the right, 
 notwithstanding one man out of every seven is left- 
 handed. It is hoped that the Commissioners will
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 231 
 
 give this subject immediate thought and investiga 
 tion. The petitioners would further request him to 
 introduce a different style of cucumber. One in the 
 shape of an apple, with a third rind and some sort 
 of handle to, would soon drive the common vegeta 
 ble out of market. 
 
 "WELL, HARDLY ." 
 
 A letter from Selma, Ala., written "in haist," 
 made inquiry if it was considered unlady-like in a 
 Northern colored woman to go barefooted in sum 
 mer. The Rev. Penstock at once arose and said 
 that no true lady, no matter what the color, would 
 ever appear in society without shoes and stockings 
 on, even if in a hurry to catch the last hack at a 
 funeral. 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole said that going barefooted 
 saved a heap of shoe-leather, and so far as he was 
 concerned, he thought none the less of a lady for it, 
 providing she hid her feet under the bed or behind 
 the wood-box when strangers called. 
 
 General Flatbush said his wife had gone barefoot 
 ed every summer for twenty years past, and he 
 couldn t see but that her standing in society was as 
 good as ever. It gave the feet a chance to spread 
 out and cool off, and he didn t know but that it im 
 proved a lady s gait. Without giving the subject 
 at least three weeks steady thought, he wouldn t 
 like to venture an opinion which might kick the 
 shoes off of a half a million colored ladies in one hot 
 day. The question was therefore laid on the table 
 for future discussion.
 
 232 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 THE LIBRARY. 
 
 The Librarian reported the receipt of ninety -six 
 additional almanacs, and a work on the logwood in 
 dustry of Brazil. He suggested that a raise of sal 
 ary for the coming year would ho very acceptable, 
 as his work had increased more than one-half, and 
 this suggestion gave rise to a sharp debate. After 
 the storm had passed over, Waydown Bebee offered 
 the following resolution: 
 
 "Resolved, Dat when de laborious labors of any posishun in dis 
 Club git to be more n de officer kin walk off wid, lie should resign 
 de same an make a trip to de sea-shore for his health. 
 
 The resolution was adopted, and the Librarian sat 
 down and unbuttoned his vest and had nothing 
 jnore to say. 
 
 ANOTHER INVESTIGATION. 
 
 Col. Amandus Johnson wanted information. He 
 said that the price of New Orleans molasses had re 
 mained at exhorbitant figures for seven years past, 
 although dry-goods, groceries and wages had been 
 going down to hard pan, and he now wanted satis 
 faction as to why this thing was thus. Kerosene, 
 whale oil, castor oil and vinegar were way down, 
 and yet New Orleans molasses was up. It was a 
 question which directly interested all colored folks, 
 and he hoped the Club would take steps to solve the 
 mystery. The President, after some further discus 
 sion, appointed a Special Committee to investigate 
 and report, and the meeting adjourned.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 233 
 
 LET EM DIVORCE. 
 
 " I HOLD heah in my hand," began Brother Gard 
 ner, as he waved the missive aloft, " a letter from a 
 cull d clergyman in Tennessee, axin dis Club to use 
 its inflooence to secure more stringent divorce laws 
 in de varus States, an to sot its face agin do procure 
 ment of divorce, except fur de very gravest reasons. 
 Dis Club will do nuffin of de kind. On de contrary, 
 it will wote solid to furnish all facilities fur parties 
 desirous to be onhitched wid promptness an dispatch. 
 Nuffin comes nearer perdishun dan an unmated an 
 unmatched couple tryin to lib togeder as man an 
 wife. I hold dat no couple who doan lub each oder 
 who don t agree an can t forgive who won t ex 
 cuse should lib togeder ten minits. If we git a 
 house we doan like we sel it. If we git a hoss we 
 doan like we trade him off. If we doan like de 
 nayburhood we move away. If we doan like our 
 nayburs we let em alone. How, den, kin you spect 
 husband an wives to put up wid ugliness, meanness 
 drunkenness, profanity, extravagance an all dat am 
 hateful in de human heart. 
 
 11 Let em divorce. God intended husband and 
 wife to lub, cherish, forgive an be all in all to each 
 odder. Whar dey can t be sich it am a thousand 
 times better dat dey be devorced. No man or 
 woman who had lub in deir heart eber yit applied 
 for one or eber will. If a divorce could be had by 
 simply payin a fee of fifty cents no husband mated 
 wid his wife would think of separashun any more 
 dan he does now. People cheat an deceive when 
 courtin . Married life brings out de faults which dey 
 hid. It has allus bin so, an will be so to de eand,
 
 234 tftE LlME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 an when husbands and wives quarrel an hate, a law 
 to make em continue to lib togeder am unjust an 
 wicked. Let us now attack de regular order of biz- 
 ness. 
 
 SOMETHING WAS UP. 
 
 SOMETHING was up. Just what it was no one knew 
 but Brother Gardner s countenance wore an unus 
 ually severe expression, and Sir Isaac Walpole was 
 observed to have on a clean shirt, while Elder Toots, 
 for the second time in his life, had stove-blacked his 
 broad brogans and had his vest buttoned all the way 
 up. 
 
 " Gem len, I shell now have de unjellified pleasure 
 to introduce to you one of de moas cornspicus black 
 men in dis kentry," remarked the President as his 
 eagle eye wandered down the shady aisle. " De 
 Committee on de Judishury will now act." 
 
 The committee acted. Led by the Hon. James 
 Fullback, they disappeared in the direction of the 
 ante-room, to reappear after a moment escorting a 
 distinguished stranger of middle age. 
 
 JUDGE K. C. B. DAVIS. 
 
 " Gem len, I hev de honor to present to de Lime- 
 Kiln Club my ole friend an companyun, Judge 
 Davis, at present of de State of Georgia," said the 
 President, as the stranger reached the platform. 
 
 The reception given the Judge was fully equal to 
 the enthusiasm of farmers o^er the late rains, and 
 those hit with chunks of falling plaster preserved 
 their goodnature in a wonderful degree.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 235 
 
 A SPEECH. 
 
 The Judge explained that he was on his way to 
 Lake Superior to see his aged father, and he had 
 halted here for a couple of days to make the per 
 sonal acquaintance of every local member of the 
 Club, and to petition it for membership. He had 
 noticed the high stand taken by the Club in mat 
 ters affecting science and art, and he was greatly 
 pleased. 
 
 " Science," added the Judge, as he stepped on Way- 
 down Bebee s corns, " am above us, below us, an all 
 around us, an yit de great majority of men doan 
 seem to realize de fack. What builds de flah in de 
 stove, cept science? What biles de tators in de ket 
 tle cept science? What furnishes our clothes, our 
 homes, an eben our graves, cept science? Gaze on 
 de sun. But for science who d know whether dat 
 shiny orb war ober in Kennedy or 90,000,000 miles in 
 de sky on a bee line? Gaze on de moon. But fur 
 science, who among us would know its infiooence 
 on de water-melon crop? Look at de stars. Before 
 de advent of science who could tell Venus from 
 Aunt Betsy, de Norf star from de big dipper, or de 
 dog stars from de cat stars? Science made de steam 
 engine, de kivered cars, de wheelbarrow, de" white 
 wash brush, an de several odder articles which hev 
 made dis nashun what it am to-day. Science frows 
 bridges across great rivers; it brings up water from 
 de deep well; it puts out fires; it gives us de flne- 
 cornb; it makes de plug hat an de paper collar; it 
 brings us de glorus Fo th of July; it mixes peas an 
 beans wid our coffee so dat we can t tell what it 
 tastes de moas of, an but for science de man wid de 
 toofache would be nowhar."
 
 23G THE LIME-KILN CLUR. 
 
 After taking a very lean drink of water and ab 
 sorbing a troche to offset it the speaker continued: 
 
 " We will now turn to art. We see art in ebery 
 fing around us, from de pictures on de milk-carts to 
 a pile of clam shells in de front doah yard, an yet 
 dere am souls who can t respond. I know men who 
 might stand fur a hull hour in front of a tea store 
 chromeo representing sunset in Wisconsin or sun 
 rise in Noo Jersey an not see nuffm to expand deir 
 souls an turn deir thoughts into better channels. 
 I ve seen white men stand before a bust of Csesar 
 an find fault wid de squint of de left eye, an I ve 
 seen black men stand befo a fence all painted off 
 wid red an blue an yaller, an look fur nuffin but 
 nail holes. Take science away from us an we 
 wouldn t know why we grease de wheelbarrow. 
 Take art away from us an we might as well live in 
 canal boats. I am glad to see de intress dis Club 
 takes in boaf subjecks. Your reports on astronomy 
 hev reached ebery corner in de land, an your pic- 
 turs an relics in dis Hall am proof dat art, left in 
 your care, will grow an flourish till no maker will 
 dare offer a broom to de public widout de handle am 
 painted blue. Wid dese few suggestions an aggre 
 gations, I will now clothes." 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Committee on the Sick reported that Jared 
 Comstock, a local member, was sick abed with bil 
 ious fever, and his heirs had applied for relief. 
 
 " I war spectin dis report to come up," remarked 
 the President in answer, "an I want to show dis 
 Club a few articles clusly connected wid Messer 
 Comstock s case."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 237 
 
 He thereupon slowly unrolled his handkerchief 
 and displayed a slice of a large Cucumber, a piece 
 of cocoanut, a piece of bologna and the half of a 
 hard-boiled egg, and continued: 
 
 Down at de market de odder day I got my eye on 
 Brudder Comstock. He had jist bin paid lur a job, 
 an lie was gwine inter luxuries in de moas extrava 
 gant manner. Dese pieces war left on his plate ar- 
 ter he got through stuffin . I saw dat man devour 
 fo eowcumbers, most a hull cokernut, six eggs an 
 three bologneys, sayin nuffin of apples an radishes 
 an a big hunk o pie, an now he has de cheek to ax 
 dis Club to aid him from de relief fund! ; 
 
 FINED. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock at once came to the front with 
 a resolution to suspend the Brother from the Society 
 for the period of six months, but Waydown Bebee 
 moved to amend to fine him and double his dues for 
 three months. The amendment being accepted, the 
 resolution passed, and the President placed the fine 
 at ten dollars and costs. 
 
 -VHITEWASH. 
 
 The Secretary laid before the meeting a communi 
 cation from .the Board of Health of Jersey City, 
 asking what sanitary benefits the Club had noticed 
 from the use of whitewash, and the members were 
 invited to relate their experience. 
 
 Sir Isaac Walpole said he knew of a case where a 
 certain family were always having the mumps. 
 One coat of whitewash on the kitchen ceiling, at an 
 expense ot only forty cents, drove the disease away 
 and made the family one of the healthiest in the
 
 238 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 city. The cure was so marked, and the benefits so 
 apparent, that the man afterwards hired Mr. Wai- 
 pole to whitewash the parlor, and cheated him out 
 of his pay. 
 
 The Hon. Primrose said he once knew a family 
 who were greatly troubled witli headache and cold 
 feet. After spending fifty dollars for patent medi 
 cines they hired him to whitewash a bed-room, and 
 all was joy arid peace. He had to take his pay in 
 old clothes lines, but the cure was there just the 
 same 
 
 Way down Bebee stated that he was once consul 
 ted by a family troubled with the ague. He advis 
 ed a coat of whitewash on the fence, and only seven 
 pickets had been whitened before the man was able 
 to get up and walk to the window to see a dog- fight, 
 and in an hour the wife was down town overhauling 
 goods. 
 
 The Rev. Penstock knew a case where a family 
 cured consumption by whitewashing the barn, and 
 of another where a citizen had his chambers 
 whitewashed on Saturday, and found fifty dollars in 
 cash on the street on Monday. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to answer the Board 
 to the effect that every barrel of lime used as white 
 wash offsets the labors of at least three doctors, 
 and that no respectable family should be without it. 
 
 N. B. The prices for whitewashing in Detroit 
 will remain the same. 
 
 THE LIBRARY. 
 
 The Librarian reported that he had during the 
 past month received twenty-seven almanacs, five 
 cook-books, one horse book, one medical book, and
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 239 
 
 1,000 tracts on " How to Reach Heaven." The 
 tracts had been distributed among colored families 
 in Detroit, and he was sorry to say that family lights 
 increased by one half within a week. 
 
 THE MUSEUM. 
 
 Pickles Smith, who has charge of the reception of 
 relics and the care of the museum, reported that 
 some fiend had entered the room by climbing over 
 the roof and carried away one of the two skulls of 
 Oliver Cromwell, sent to the Club from Boston. He 
 had placed the case in the hands of detectives, but 
 thus far no clue had been obtained to the identity of 
 the guilty parties. The Secretary was instructed to 
 offer a reward of $5 for the return of the relic, and 
 in case it could not be recovered, to procure a skull 
 of some of the rest of the Cromwell family. 
 
 The Janitor took the pail and dipper and passed 
 from man to man, and yums!" and "ohs!" of 
 gratification followed in his footsteps. When every 
 throat had been cooled, and almo st every hand held 
 a slice of squeezed lemon for future benefits, the 
 President again arose and said: 
 
 " Dis Lime-Kiln Club am heah assembled to honor, 
 in its poo an simple way, de memory of one of de 
 greatest men de world has eber knowed. De great 
 an good George Washington has long bin dead, but 
 his name kin neber die w-hile America lives. [Cheers ] 
 Kings have spoken his name (Cheers); queens have 
 written it (yells), an it has ascended to Heaven 
 along wid de prayers of little chiU en. [Cheers and 
 applause.] To be sho he was a white man, but 
 when he saved dis kentry he saved ebery cull d pus- 
 son in it as well as de white folks. [Awful applause.]
 
 240 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 He couldn t help bein a white man, an he would 
 have accomplished 110 less had he bin as black in de 
 face as Rhubarb Spooner, an had feet like Harper 
 Jackson." [Continued cheers, during which the 
 bear-trap fell down.] 
 
 The President sat down in an exhausted condi 
 tion, and Sir Isaac Walpole arose and said: 
 
 "Let me grow old let me hev chilblains all sum 
 mer let me sit in de dark an shiver in de cold let 
 me bury my ole wife an wander frew de world sor 
 rowful an alone but neber let me forget de name of 
 Washington, or cease to remember dat if he had bin 
 any han to play base ball, he d have played it wid a 
 cull d man as quick as a white man." [Cheers and 
 applause. J 
 
 MORE SINGING. 
 
 The members of the Glee Club could not sit still 
 under the excitement of the hour, and upon receiv 
 ing a wink of encouragement from the President, 
 they jumped in on the following: 
 
 " Blow de horn! Beat de drum! 
 
 H ar de bugle blowin ! " 
 Fifty million Yankees here, 
 
 An still de kentry s growin ! 
 
 CHORUS. Let dat can awl alone, Misser Lesseps. 
 
 " Soun de bones! Shake de hoofs! 
 
 See de people smiliu ; 
 Everybody s on de rush, 
 
 An bizness am a bilin . 
 
 CHORUS. Kase if you don t you ll get hurted." 
 DIDN T PLAY WITH HIM. 
 
 Pickles Smith got the floor as the last beautiful 
 Strain of music died away, and said;
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 241 
 
 "I didn t play wid George Washington when we 
 war boys, but dat wasn t niy fault. If he d cum d 
 ober to our plantashun, he d hev foun me to hum. 
 Neberdeless, Ize willin to admit his greatness an 
 goodness. [Cheers. J My grad f adder war nanitd 
 George Washington Smith. [Cheers.] My f adder 
 war named George Washington Smith. [Cheers. J 
 My oldest brudder am named George Washington 
 Smith. [Cheers. J My second son am named George 
 Washington Smith. [Cheers.] Ize got about fo teen 
 uncles, an cousins an aunts named George W a sh- 
 ington Smith. [Cheers.] It s a name our family 
 feels proud of an means to stick by. [Cheers.] All 
 honor to de man who shouldered his plow an went 
 fo th to mash the inimy! " [Furious cheers and long 
 continued applause.] 
 
 ELDER TOOTS REMEMBERS. 
 
 Good Elder Toots said he had no desire to occupy 
 the valuable time of the meeting (Cheers), but he 
 could not help but remember of once having driven 
 a mule (Cheers), past Mount Vernon, the sacred spot 
 where lies the dust of Washington. [Terrific yells.] 
 Hs therefore believed that he keenly realized Wash 
 ington s greatness and goodness. [Cheers.] He 
 did not know how others felt, but as for him, he 
 wanted liberty or death and another dipper of lem 
 onade. 
 
 The hint was acted upon at once, and the bever 
 age circulated around the Hall, and the Glee Club 
 walloped the following:
 
 24:2 THE LIME-KILM CLUB. 
 
 " THE GREAT G. W." 
 
 He am dead! 
 
 A chief has passed away; 
 
 His race am run 
 
 His life am dun, 
 
 His form am wid de clay. 
 
 But lives his name 
 
 In ebery freeman s heart; 
 
 A thousand years 
 
 Won t dry de tears 
 
 Dat at his name mus start 
 
 A DUTY DONE. 
 
 As the nsual hour for adjourning approached the 
 President folded his arms across his heaving bosom 
 and said: 
 
 " I believe dat dis Lime-Kiln Club has did its full 
 duty by George Washington, Mrs. Washington, de 
 American flag, dis glorious Republic, an seberal oder 
 pussons an fings, an we will now disband an ap 
 proach our homes. Let no man forgit his dooty to 
 his kentry, an yit in remembering dat dooty, let no 
 member forgit dat de Lime-Kiln Club comes fust an 
 kentry next, an what am left should go to hiz fam - 
 ly. We now stand disrupted." 
 
 A WORD TO CRANKS. 
 
 dar a crank present in de Hall to-night?" 
 softly asked Brother Gardner, as the meeting op 
 ened. 
 
 Not a voice answered. 
 
 " Have any of you seen a crank around town dis 
 last week?" continued the President,
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 243 
 
 Not one had, or at least no one admitted it. 
 
 " Two weeks ago de kentry was full of em. You 
 could find em on de street kyar, at de depot, around 
 de hotels, an eben in church. All of a sudden you 
 can t scare up a single crank. De bizness has got 
 to be unhealthy. De plea of insanity doan go down 
 wid de jury as slick as it did. De time when one 
 man kin put a knife into anoder an make de jury 
 believe he was bo n dat way an couldn t help it has 
 about expired. De crank must go. He must quit 
 shootin , stab bin an stealin an being heard of in de 
 land. When de crank fust brought forward de ideah 
 dat de Deity was behind him an urged him on it 
 was sunthin new an novel, but dat ideah am 
 played out wid de rest. 
 
 "My frens, let de cantankerous bizness alone. 
 Doan call stealing by any odder name. If your 
 hands itch fur money dat belongs to some one else, 
 take it an skip, an when de law overhauls you doan 
 sot up de plea dat an angel from Heaven urged you 
 on. Legal farces hev had deir day in dis kentry. 
 Insanity, kleptomania, sudden emotion, drunken 
 ness an loss of memory will be poor excuses before 
 fucher juries." 
 
 PETITIONS. 
 
 Among the many petitions on the Secretary s desk 
 was one from Prof. Eben Shin, Past Grand Mogul of 
 the B. O. K. & S. H. M. Society, of Berkley, Va. 
 The Professor has for the past two years sought by 
 every means in his power to break down the influ 
 ence of the Lime-Kiln Club in the South, even go 
 ing so far as to claim that Brother Gardner was a 
 robber, Sir Isaac Walpole an escaped convict and
 
 244 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 that Waydown Bebee had fled from justice in Ala 
 bama. When Giveadam Jones went to Norfolk to 
 deliver his great lecture on " The Nothingness of 
 Space," the Professor insulted him at the depot in 
 the presence of over 3,000 citizens. He now sees the 
 error of his ways, and humbly seeks to be counted 
 with the faithful. 
 
 There was also a general smile of satisfaction 
 when it was announced that January Jones, of Sel- 
 ma, Ala., had returned to his dish of crow. Three 
 years ago Mr. Jones withdrew from the Club because 
 it refused to endorse a petition of his asking the 
 government to provide the colored people of this 
 country with fish-line and coon dogs. He started 
 an opposition lodge in Alabama, but it went to pieces 
 in three weeks, and January himself got into Geor 
 gia only an hour ahead of the Sheriff. He has lately 
 returned to his native place, settled with the owner 
 of the mule, and now desires to be restored to mem 
 bership in the Lime-Kiln Club. 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Chairman of the Committee on Sick reported 
 that Brother Walk About Grandy had been knocked 
 down on the street by a hack and would be laid up 
 for two weeks. The Treasurer was ordered to for 
 ward him relief to the amount of $3 per week, and 
 the Committee were instructed to see that no part 
 of it was used to purchase ox-tail soup or white su 
 gar. 
 
 The Committee further reported that Brother 
 Greenbrier Claxton had fallen down stairs and 
 driven his eyebrows clear up to the roots of his hair, 
 but they had no recommend to make. The Presi-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 245 
 
 dent said that falling down stairs did not come un 
 der the head of accident, and the matter was laid 
 on the table to see if the eyebrows wouldn t settle 
 down to their place. 
 
 THROWN 6UR FOR CAUSE. 
 
 The following candidates were unfavorably re 
 ported on for causes named: 
 
 Kenawha Smith, of Maryland, charged with be 
 ing caught in a bear-trap at the door of a neighbor s 
 smoke-house. His excuse that he mistook the 
 smoke-house for a school-house at which there was 
 to be a spelling school that night, was decided to be 
 too thin. 
 
 Cemetery Hastings, of Indiana, charged with feed 
 ing his wife with powdered chalk when she had the 
 ague and making her believe it was quinine. His de 
 fense was that the chalk cured her, but the Committee 
 were afraid that if the action were overlooked he 
 might next compel his wife to believe that a chip on 
 a cabbage leaf was quail on toast. 
 
 Sincerity Flats, of South Carolina, charged with 
 assisting to put out a fire in a grocery. He worked 
 so zealousy that next day a constable discovered 
 twenty-eight cans of peaches, a box of soap, ten 
 pails, two hams and twenty-one bed-cords hidden 
 away in Mr. Flat s cabin. His defence was absence 
 of mind, but the Committee refused to consider it, 
 holding that while an absent minded man might 
 possibly carry home such articles as enumerated in 
 the charge, he would hardly take up the kitchen 
 floor to hide them.
 
 246 "HE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 THE TORPEDO CHICKEN. 
 
 Further reports were submitted regarding the tor 
 pedo chicken, lately invented in Mobile. A speci 
 men chicken had been procured by the Committee, 
 and its workings exhibited, The invention is not as 
 deadly as at first supposed. It is loaded with four 
 ounces of bird shot and two of powder, and placed 
 on the roost. When it is reached for a catch is 
 thrown out of place, a powerful spring set in motion 
 and a. hammer strikes and explodes a percussion cap. 
 The shot are thrown out in every direction, and with 
 in ten seconds after the explosion a dark figure is 
 seen galloping down the alley and in a husky voice 
 is heard inquiring: " Fo de Lawd, but what has de 
 white folks got hold of now?" The Committee 
 closed its report as follows: Havin pushed de in 
 vestigation an kivered all de groun , we beg leave to 
 be discharged from f urder considerashun of de sub 
 ject, an to respectfully inquar of our respected 
 President: Kin dis torpedo chicken be suppressed? 
 If not, what shall we do? An we will eber pray." 
 
 " As to de suppressin de inwenshun I see no way 
 to accomplish it," replied Brother Gardner. " As to 
 what shall we do, I have been serusly reflectin fur 
 de last ten minits, an it am my solemn belief dat 
 de best thing de cull d race kin do am to cultivate a 
 taste for some odder sort of meat." 
 
 THE WEATHER. 
 
 The Committee in charge of the meteorological 
 disturbances for the coming week reported the fol 
 lowing probabilities: 
 
 SUNDAY Look out for Thunder.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 24? 
 
 MONDAY Hot enough for old maids to go barefoot. 
 
 TUESDAY Shocks of earthquake felt in several 
 localities, and old sinners begin to repent. 
 
 WEDNESDAY Opens with a tornado in four acts, 
 each act worth the price of the whole performance. 
 
 THURSDAY Calm as a sleeping babe, but the 
 beasts of the field sniff the air, paw the ground and 
 seem uneasy. 
 
 FRIDAY This will be known as the dark day. 
 Heaven as black as tar; moaning in the air; fowls 
 terrified; grocers forget to put peas in their coffee; 
 fish don t bite worth a cent; all marriage engage 
 ments declared off. 
 
 SATURDAY Sort of a grand climax, with thunder 
 claps loud enough to raise a debt outlawed for four 
 teen years. Clears off toward evening and .beer 
 gardens get ready for the arduous labors of the Sab 
 bath. 
 
 THEY COME. 
 
 Among the fifteen or twenty petitions was the fol 
 lowing: 
 
 NORFOLK, VA., December 10, 1881. 
 
 BRO. GARDNER. Dear Sir; 1 have been instructed by a unan 
 imous vote of the Anatomical and Scientific Society of Colored 
 Men of Virginia, headquarters at this place, to make application 
 to your Club for membership as a body. We number fifty-one 
 baldheaded members, each one of high moral character and stand 
 ing solid on his pins. In case our application meets with success, 
 we will pay our dues for a year in advance, close our hall and la 
 bors here, and forward to the library of the Lime-Kiln Club sever 
 al beautifully preserved specimens of shin-bones of deceased po 
 ets, comic lecturers, and the man who spits on the floor of the 
 street car. With confidence. 
 
 VERTEBRAE JONES. 
 
 Secretary of the A. and S. Society.
 
 248 THE LIME- KILN CLUB. 
 
 Pickles Smith arose for information as to what 
 anatomical meant. If it was anything in regard to 
 polishing stoves, the would-be members should bind 
 themselves not to cut under rates. 
 
 Trustee Fullback seconded the motion, provided 
 there was any motion to second. He knew of col 
 ored men who were blacking stoves for fifteen cents 
 apiece, and making no extra charge for wheeling 
 off two or three barrels of ashes. .After several oth 
 ers had spoken to the same effect, the President 
 said: 
 
 "1 allus gits astronomy, anatomy an antimony 
 all mixed up, but Ize sartin suah dat none of em re 
 fer to blackin stoves. I think we kin take our 
 chances on votin dis society in, an thus increasin 
 our list of distinguished members." 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 The Glee Club struck up: "We ll Swim or Sink 
 Together," and as Sir Isaac Walpole passed the 
 bean-box do\>n the aisles, no living man could have 
 told that he had ever made a running jump over a 
 fence seven feet high to get away from a dog which 
 seemed fourteen feet long. The following members 
 were elected in cold blood and with malice afore 
 thought: Old Lime Jones, Elder Tucker, Anxiety 
 Hastings, Glad Tidings Taylor, Zeke Anderson, He 
 roic Bray ton, Texas McFadder, Prof. Kipp and 
 Wintergreen Brown. 
 
 NOT EXACTLY WILLING. 
 
 The Secretary further announced a communication 
 from the Rev. Jasper, of Virginia, asking the Club 
 to indorse his theory that the sun moves, but Broth-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 249 
 
 er Gardner said that the time was not yet ripe. In 
 years gone by, some one had started the theory that 
 the sun stood still while the earth moved around it, 
 and the majority of people had come to accept that 
 theory as a fact. It might be radically wrong, and 
 yet the man who brought forward any other theory 
 would be scoffed at and called a crank. His ad 
 vice to. Rev. Jasper was to hang to his theory and 
 wait. 
 
 HE CAN T GO. 
 
 A communication from Norwalk, O.. signed by 
 such leading citizens as George McGee, Sandy Mc 
 Coy, Ben Van Camps, Amos Hopkins, George Han- 
 shaw, Friday Hodge and Charles Augustus Hop 
 kins, stated that the colored population of that city 
 were very much agitated over the question: "Do 
 sidewhiskers dignify a colored man s position in 
 life?" Three dogs had been poisoned, two windows 
 smashed in and the lives of three men had been 
 threatened, and yet the question had not been set 
 tled. A public meeting had been called for the 28th 
 inst., and it was hoped that Brother Gardner would 
 be present and throw his influence one way or the 
 other. 
 
 He stated in reply that he could not go, nor could 
 he furnish either side any advice by letter. He had 
 seen colored men with sidewhiskers who inspired 
 him with awe. He had seen others who reminded 
 him of Darwin s theory. There was dignity in any 
 sort of whiskers, but what is the use of dignity if a 
 man had to wipe his nose on a vest-buckle and but 
 ton his Sunday coat with a shingle nail. It was a 
 local affair, and must be settled among themselves.
 
 250 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Committee on the Sick reported that Judge 
 Alanthus Griggs, a local member in good standing, 
 was confined to his bed and had asked for his allow 
 ance from the relief fund. 
 
 "What am de matter wid de Judge?" asked the 
 President. 
 
 " Sprained his back." 
 
 "How?" 
 
 " By jumpin ober a hitchin post on a bet of ten 
 cents." 
 
 "Bern dat he sprained his back by jumpin ober a 
 hitchin post, he kin now obtain relief by fallin off a 
 house," concluded the President, as he blew his nose 
 and sat down. 
 
 The Committee also reported that Darkweather 
 Smith was likewise confined to his bed with bilious 
 colic and needed relief. It being ascertained that 
 he let himself loose on four pounds of grapes to see 
 what he could do, the President decided that it was 
 not a case coming under the provisions of the re 
 lief fund. 
 
 MORE RELICS. 
 
 The Librarian reported that he was in receipt of 
 the hat worn by Cornwallis at the Yorktown sur 
 render, sent on to the Club from Williamsburg, Va. 
 Also a pair of sheep-shears, owned by Martin Van 
 Buren, forwarded from Boston. 
 
 THE MEDAL. 
 
 The Secretary announced that the annual Lime- 
 Kiln Club medal to be given to the colored man per 
 forming the greatest deed of heroism during the
 
 THE LTME-KtLN CLUB. 251 
 
 year, was already in his hands for the year 1881. 
 The medal is of silver and bronze, about the size of 
 a trade dollar. On one side is a picture of a mule, 
 .and on the other that of a persimmon tree with a 
 possum hanging to a limb. The inscription reads: 
 " When our heroes die our country will die." 
 
 REPRIMANDED. 
 
 The Janitor was called from the ante-room and 
 asked if he had made any special study of the radi- 
 tion of heat, as requested at a late meeting by a 
 unanimous vote of the Club. After considerable 
 hesitation he replied to the effect that when the stove 
 began to cool off he had to radiate around in the al 
 leys after dry -goods boxes and apple barrels, and on 
 several different occasions had narrowly escaped ar 
 rest. He was advised to continue his specialty, and 
 thoroughly post himself on the science of heat, and 
 the meeting then awoke Elder Toots by rolling him 
 off the bench, and adjourned. 
 
 DE SUN DO MOVE. 
 
 THE silence in the Hall was so thick that it could 
 have been cut with an editorial jack-knife as the 
 President calmly arose and began: 
 
 " I hold hear in my hand a letter from Philadelphia 
 axin me if I believe wid the Rev. Jasper, of Rich 
 mond, dat de sun do move? Sartin I do. I know de 
 white folks claim dat it am de airth which am mov- 
 in , while de sun stands still, but right dar we split. 
 Joshua was about as nigh bein an angel as any 
 white man will eber git, an when he ordered de sun
 
 252 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 to stand still he knew what he was talkin about. It 
 would have been just as easy fur him to hev com 
 manded de airth to stand still, but he didn t do it. 
 If Joshua didn t know his bizness de rest of us 
 might as well hang up. 
 
 " An now, you cull d folkses, mind what Izegwine 
 to say. Doan let de stronomy bizness keep you 
 awake nights. De sun am up dar by day, an de 
 moon an stars am up dar by night. De Lawd put 
 de sun dar to thaw de ice off de back doah-step, 
 make cucumbers grow an fotch up de grass an de 
 corn. It didn t do any wuss when astronomy was 
 . unknown, an it wouldn t do any better if ebery fam 
 ily in de kentry had a telescope four hundred feet 
 long. De moon was hung up dar dat folks might 
 see to move by night when de rent got too high; dat 
 lost cows could see to find dar way home, dat folks 
 could see to chop wood and empty bar ls of ashes on 
 de street; datwimin comin home from prayer meet- 
 in could avoid de nail heads stickin up in de planks, 
 an fur varus odder reasons. You jist take de sun 
 as he runs, an de moon as you find it, an de less 
 you worry about em de more meat an taters you ll 
 have in de winter. De poorest cull d man I eber 
 knowed was an ole black man down in Virginny 
 who was always wonderin if dey had a reglar 
 lock on de gates of Heaven, or only a latch string. 
 While his nayburs war plantin he was Avonderin ; 
 while dey war hoin he was theorizing; while dey 
 was reapin he was ragged an hungry. Let de sun 
 move or stand still let de moon be made of old sil 
 ver or green cheese let de stars be ten miles or 10,- 
 000,000 miles away keep de whitewash brush gwine 
 an de buck-saw in good order an you ll be all rieht."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 253 
 
 GATHER THEM IN. 
 
 The Secretary announced a communication from 
 John W. Calhoun, President of the West Virginia 
 Liver Complaint Association, asking the Lime Kiln 
 Club to receive them as a body. After an official 
 existence of six months they found themselves out 
 of wood and candles, behind in their rent, afflicted 
 with corns and chilblains, and of no further use to 
 high-toned society. 
 
 On motion of Pickles Smith, who stated that he 
 was personally acquainted with Mr. Calhoun, the 
 Liver Complaint Society was absorbed by unani 
 mous vote. 
 
 RECEIVED. 
 
 The keeper of the Sacred Relics roported that he 
 had received from Samuel Blood, of Nashville, a set 
 of wooden blocks forming a puzzle called " 13 14 
 15, a game very popular about 0,000 years ago. He 
 had already returned thanks, and sent the donor a 
 cure for hydrophobia. 
 
 He likewise reported the reception of an old car 
 bine, used by Grace Darling when she went out to 
 the rescue of shipwrecked sailors. Just how she shot 
 em out of the water with it the sender did not say, 
 but the thanks of the Club had been forwarded, and 
 the old arm hung on the west wall. 
 
 VOTE OF CONFIDENCE. 
 
 The Committee on Internal Resources reported that 
 it was in receipt of intelligence from various parts 
 of the country to the effect that the supply of melons 
 and green corn promised to equal the ordinary de-
 
 254 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 mand, and on motion of Pickles Smith the following 
 resolution was unanimously adopted: 
 
 Resolved, Dat dis Club has fnll confidence in de agyculchural 
 resources of dis kentry, but at de same time we would advise all 
 members of dis Club to plug dar watermelyons befo passin ober 
 dar money. 
 
 A COMING SHADOW. 
 
 The Secretary announced a communication from 
 Mrs. Amanda Hopeshot, of Cairo, 111., containing 
 intelligence of the death of her husband by his own 
 hand, caused by his failure to secure admission to 
 the Club, and her determination to begin suit for 
 $5,000 damages unless a check for $300 was forwarded 
 by return mail. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to return a reply 
 to the effect that the Club could not consider itself 
 morally or pecuniary responsible, and a hint was 
 thrown out to the Treasurer that it might be policy 
 to hide all his funds in an oyster can and bury the 
 can under about four feet of back garden. 
 
 STANDARD PRICES. 
 
 Giveadam Jones announced that he had received 
 replies from New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Chi 
 cago, and sixteen other points, and that the stand 
 ard prices of the Lime-Kiln Club for whitewashing 
 and stova-blacking, were being accepted all over 
 the country. No uniform price can be made for 
 cleaning up back yards. In the New England 
 States back yards all run to clam-shells, peach-cans, 
 and old hoop-skirts, during the winter. In Tennes 
 see, they lean more to old boots and pint bottles. 
 Down in Texas the remains of horse-thieves and
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 255 
 
 tramps must be carted off with the oyster-cans and 
 old hats, without extra charge. 
 
 UNDER CONDITIONS. 
 
 The President stated that he had received the fol 
 lowing personal letter: 
 
 OSTON, February 1, 1883. 
 
 BRO. GARDNER: Is there anything wrong in playing a game of 
 cards. Very truly, CRANBERRY JONES. 
 
 " When Elder Lightfoot an his wife come ober 
 to my cabin," replied the President, "an we sot 
 down fur a game o euchre, we feel as innocent of 
 wrong as a two-year old child foolin wid a revolver; 
 but under certain odder condishuns a game of cards 
 may result in great evil. If a pusson stacks the 
 keerds, dat s wrong; if he puts de joker up his 
 sleeve, dat s wrong; if he plays a lone hand, dat 
 looks suspicious; if he winks at his partner to take 
 it up or turn it down, it isn t a squar game. Ordin 
 arily speakin dar s imfrm wrong in a game of 
 keerds uuless you git all de nine an ten spots, an 
 de odder man holds all de bowers an aces." 
 
 NEARER HOME. 
 
 The Janitor reported the breaking of five panes of 
 glass in the back windows during the week, but he 
 had been unable to locate anyone with his shot-gun. 
 Also, that the rats were eating the legs off the safe 
 in which the Club funds are stacked away. 
 
 The Librarian reported the receipt of three lozen 
 almanacs, and a pamphlet entitled " How to Be 
 Beautiful."
 
 256 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 The Keeper of the Bear-trap reported everything 
 clear in the West, and the meeting was brought to a 
 close. 
 
 BEAUTIES OF THE BALLOT. 
 
 " I WOULD like to spoke a few words to Telescope 
 Perkins, if he am in de Hall to-night," said the Presi 
 dent, as the meeting opened. 
 
 The brother wiped off his mouth and advanced to 
 the platform, and Brother Gardner continued: 
 
 "Brudder Perkins, I met you at 8 o clock in de 
 evenin on lecshun night." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " You war what de white folks call slewed." 
 
 " Ize mighty soiry, sah." 
 
 "You were full of glory. You felt dat you had 
 saved de kentry. Your clothes war all mud. Your 
 breaf smelt of skunks, an you had to jump up and 
 down an whoop to keep from bustin yer biler." 
 
 " Lots of white folks was doin de same, sah." 
 
 " Sartin sartin. You, an ole ex-slave, unable to 
 read or write, was only followin in de footsteps of 
 intelligent, eddecated white men. Brudder Perkins 
 I war walkin round on lection day, an I saw some 
 curus things. I saw citizens who would not swal 
 low ten drops of whisky if life depended on it wote 
 fur men who he v sold de pisened stuff ober de bar 
 fur years. An dat was savin de kentry. 
 
 "I saw men who would turn a servant gal out 
 doors on a winter s night, if dey heard a scandle 
 bout her, walk up to de poles an wote fur men who 
 rent from two to half a dozen houses to women of 
 bad character. Pat was gwine it straight!
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 257 
 
 " I saw men whose wives am breakin deir hearts 
 ober de wayward course of beloved sons, walk to de 
 winder and stick in ballots fur candidates who am 
 in cahoots wid blacklegs an de steady patrons of 
 gambling houses. Dat am de glory of politics! 
 
 "I saw Christian men, who pray agin vice and 
 shed tears ober de wickedness of society, wole fur 
 candidates whose private lives am one long night 
 of debauchery and corruption. Dat was standin by 
 de party. 
 
 "I saw ministers of de gospel cast wotes fur drunk 
 ards, libertines an outlaws of society. Dat wassup- 
 portin de principle. 
 
 " I saw de honest, decent men arrayed on one side, 
 an de thugs, thieves an loafers on de odder, an de 
 honest, decent men war swept away like chaff be- 
 fo a gale. Dat was an illustrashun of de beauties 
 of de lective franchise! " 
 
 " But I won t do it agin, sah," pleaded Brother 
 Perkins. 
 
 "You kin sot clown," quietly remarked the Presi 
 dent. " Dat same night I heard Aldernacn bawlin 
 like mules bekase some favorite candidate had 
 pulled frew wid de aid of money an whisky. Citi 
 zens who wouldn t let you in at de front doali rolled 
 in de mud dat night like hogs, Men who hev sons 
 to bring up met an shook hands an rejoiced ober de 
 leckshun of candidates who know de way into ebery 
 saloon an poker room in Detroit. Blame you, Brud- 
 der Perkins blame you for follerin de example of 
 leadin white folks! No, sah! Go an sot down an 
 feel proud dat you come so nigh bein an eminent 
 citizen!"
 
 258 HE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 SIGNS OF SUCCESS. 
 
 The Committee on Improvements signified their 
 readiness to render their monthly report, and the 
 Chairman stated that they had made a careful can 
 vas of the city to see what progress was being made 
 in bringing about the new time-table, in which the 
 next hour after 12 o clock noon will be called 13 
 o clock. They found the new system in use in sev 
 eral stores and factories, at two breweries and three 
 wood yards, and other establishments were prepar 
 ing to adopt it. The Committee received plenty of 
 assurances that the public would take kindly to the 
 change, and that the next generation would never 
 suspect that the clock makers of this one were too 
 stupid to be able to count above twelve. 
 
 MORE HONORS. 
 
 While Brother Gardner was called into the ants- 
 room to throw a half-drunken man down stairs th* 
 Secretary read the following: 
 
 PARIS, KY., Aug. 37, 1881. 
 Brother Gardner: 
 
 DEAR SIR At the last meeting of the Big Four Literary and 
 Philosophical Society of this city you were elected an honorary 
 member for life, and the Secretary instructed to request you to 
 prepare and deliver an address before us, on the first Wednesday 
 evening in October on the subject of: "The Good Time Coming." 
 I am, sir, very truly, 
 
 DRAGOON PARKER, 
 President B. F. L. and P. S. 
 
 GENIUS INVOKED. 
 
 The Secretary of the Board of Trade of Milan, 
 Ohio, forwarded a communication in which he asked 
 whether a person suffering with chilblains could
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 259 
 
 pull off his boots and scratch his heels in church or 
 the theater without outraging public sentiment. 
 
 " Dat am a queshun which has gin me considera 
 ble thought," said the President. "Sometimes it 
 seems as if he could, an agin it seems as if he 
 couldn t. De bizness of chilblains am to itch an be 
 oneasy. De bizness of de owner am to pacify de 
 oneasiness. You can t talk to a chilblain, nor argy 
 wid it, nor scare it away by threats. It takes mo 
 nerve to sot still for ten minits wid your feet ticklin 
 an tinglin an itchin dan it does to face a mad lion 
 fur half an hour. It seems as if sunthin had got to 
 be did, but what to do am de queshun. I believe dat 
 genius should be invoked. I believe genius kin at 
 tach a nutmeg-grater to an iron rod an fit de mach 
 ine inside de boot, so dat when de oneasiness begins 
 a movement of de rod will agitate de grater along 
 de sole of de foot an bring on a peaceful calm. I 
 believe we have de genius in clis Club, an fur de 
 sake of bringin him out I will hereby offer a re 
 ward of $25 from de treasury to de inventor of a 
 successful chilblain-scratcher. " 
 
 Something of the sort will no doubt be brought 
 out soon, and the successful genius may look for a 
 large sale and big profits. 
 
 "THANK YOU EVER so MUCH." 
 
 The Secretary announced a further communica 
 tion from Gardnerville, Tex,, announcing that the 
 name had been given to the new town in honor of 
 the President of the Lime-Kiln Club. Brother Gard 
 ner was quite overcome for the moment, and might 
 perhaps have broken down under his emotion had
 
 260 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 not Samuel Shin accidentally upset the water pail 
 and filled the surrounding brogans with ice water. 
 
 CAN T RECEIVE IT. 
 
 The Treasurer said that a majority of the honora 
 ry members were sending in punched quarters and 
 halfes in payment of dues, and although he had 
 plugged scores of pieces with lead and passed them 
 off on the unsuspecting public, he hoped for some 
 ruling in the case which would relieve him from the 
 pressure. The President instructed him to hereaf 
 ter make a discount of 1,000 per cent, on all mutilat 
 ed bills or coins sent in, and most of the lamps be 
 ing on the point of going out for the want of oil, the 
 meeting was dismissed in due ancient form. 
 
 HAVE WE ANY AESTHETICS ? 
 
 The Chairman of the Committee on Agriculture 
 announced that he was ready to report on the query: 
 "Have we any aesthetics among us?" The Com 
 mittee had faithfully investigated for two long 
 \v eeks, and had reached the conclusion that if there 
 were any such persons in Detroit, they were hidden 
 away in garrets. The Committee had run across 
 sad-eyed girls, having a sorrowful pucker to their 
 mouth and carrying sorrowful-hued parasols, but 
 they were not aesthetics. They had merely been 
 disappointed in not going to the seaside. The Com 
 mittee had run across sad-eyed young men, carrying 
 sad little canes and wearing spiritulle hats, but they 
 smoked five-cent cigars and chewed raw peanuts, 
 and aesthetics never do that. The Committee had 
 labored diligently and well, and was forced to the
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 261 
 
 conclusion that the only fools in Detroit were natu 
 ral born ones. 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 The Glee Club struck up.. " Who Stole Dat Dog o 
 Mine," and a collection was taken up for the benefit 
 of two theological students about to sail for Liberia. 
 Brother Gardner announced that by accident some 
 body had dropped two cents in money into the hat, 
 and the coin was voted into the Club incidental 
 fund, and the meeting adjourned. 
 
 TO PATRIOTS. 
 
 "BE patriotic," began the old man as Pickles 
 Smith swallowed a trunk-key which he had been 
 holding in his mouth to cure dyspepsia "be patri 
 otic, but doan emagine dat all de odder patriots am 
 dead an buried. I like a man who speaks well of 
 his kentry, but it worries me when I see him carry- 
 in dat kentry on his back. Be patriotic, but find 
 out fust what patriotism means. Dis kentry fought 
 fur her liberty. Put dat in your hat. Liberty in dis 
 kentry eber since has bin as nigh a sham as a circus 
 widout a menagerie, clown or performers. Put dat 
 in your pipe. We fout England to unite de States. 
 Den we turned aroun an fout each odder to dissolve 
 em. We whoop an hurrah fur our soldiers, but we 
 gin de fat offices to our relashuns who didn t go to 
 war. A general who lost a battle am all O. K. if he 
 kin run a political party. A general who won one 
 am forgotten in a y ar if he doan wote de right 
 ticket. In one breath we flatter ourselves that we
 
 262 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 have de greatest statesmen on airth, an in de next 
 we convict em of todyism, nepotism, placehuntin 
 an stealin . We weep ober de orphans made by 
 war, an den turn about an howl bekase dey am 
 granted pitiful penshuns. We poke fun at our navy, 
 an yet refuse to wote money to strengthen it. We 
 want de Injun licked out of his butes, an yet we sell 
 him de means to lick us. 
 
 "De man who sots out to be a patriot must go slow, 
 or he will be taken for a lunatic or a rascal instead. 
 It s a grand kentry, but de taxpayers have to foot 
 de bill. It s a Republic of free speech, but you mus 
 agree wid de big guns or you will be sot down as a 
 crank. We flatter ourselves dat we we am thought 
 some pumpkins by European powers, an yet we se 
 lect as our representatives abroad sich men as am 
 played out at home. We talk about de pauper labor 
 of Europe, an yet we have two county houses to 
 her one. We rap de Czar of Russia for his tyrany, 
 an yet we submit to laws an practices, an rappin s 
 from policemen, an arrests without warrants, and 
 customs which would send de Russian into a war of 
 rebellion. We dispise titles, an yet toady to de 
 rich. We warn kings dat deir days am short, an 
 den steal our own Presidents or shoot them into 
 power. 
 
 " Be patriotic, my frens, but doan shoot off a hull 
 battery of artillery, to call y er dog when a whistle 
 will do jist as well. Let us now enter upon de biz- 
 ness which has culminated us togeder." 
 
 UNDER CONDITIONS. 
 
 The Secretary announced a communication from 
 the Hon. Considerably Davis, of Jersey City, stating
 
 fHE LIME-KILN CLUB. 203 
 
 that he had invented a combined music-box and 
 rat-trap, and wished permission to name the inven 
 tion after the Lime-Kiln Club. In case it was gran-^ 
 ted, he would forward four of his machines by the 
 first freight train. 
 
 Brother Gardner replied to the effect that permis 
 sion could not be granted until he had witnessed the 
 workings of the invention. The trap part might be 
 all right, but what was the music? He did not pro 
 pose to show his enmity by inflicting oil this country 
 anything worse than the average piano. He had 
 one in his own humble home, and whenever he felt 
 out of sorts with the world he sat down and began 
 on " Home, Sweet Home." He could turn out every 
 neighbor inside of three minutes, and in less than 
 five he was sure to be shot at. Did this new inven 
 tion possess power to soothe or irritate? Would it 
 add to the number of lunatics, or would it soothe the 
 feelings of a family just returned from a steamboat 
 excursion? He could not grant the desired permis 
 sion without further particulars. 
 
 ELDER TOOTS AT THE FRONT. 
 
 During the last two or three meetings Elder 
 Toots had managed to keep awake most of the time 
 by keeping a bit of ice on his head and permitting 
 the melting stream to trickle down the back of his 
 neck, but on this occasion he had slept sweetly for 
 twenty minutes, when he suddenly rose and offered 
 the following resolution: 
 
 "Jfesolved, Dat dis Club do hereby express its sympathy fur de 
 cause of liberty in Cuba."
 
 264 THE LIME-KILN CLUfc. 
 
 During the deep silence which followed the read 
 ing of the above, Prof. High-Strung Smith was 
 plainly heard chewing slippery elm, and a sudden 
 sneeze from Gen. Overworked Johnson rattled along 
 the ceiling and brought down hundreds of small 
 pieces of plaster. 
 
 " Brudder Toots, what do you know bout Cuba? " 
 asked the President. 
 
 "Nuffin, sah." 
 
 "What do you know bout de cause of liberty?" 
 
 "Nuffin." 
 
 " Who axed you to present dat resolushun?" 
 
 "Judge Gallipolee Thompson, sah." 
 
 " Brudder Toots, you go out an soak de back of 
 yer neck in cold tea! You has bin made a fool of! 
 You are a purty middlin aiverage ole nigger, but de 
 mo you sleep while present at our meeting de mo 
 benefit you will derive from de purceedins. As fur 
 you, Brudder Thompson, you am hereby fined nine 
 hundred dollars an costs fur disruptin de reg lar 
 purceedins. I may add at dis time dat de costs am 
 about fo hundred dollars." 
 
 The Judge fell to the floor in a dead faint, but was 
 immediately drawn out of the Hall by the left leg, 
 and business went right on. 
 
 HE S A FRAUD. 
 
 A letter from a city official of Irwinton , Ga. , made 
 inquiry if Pickles Smith had been sent down there 
 to canvas for subscriptions to raise the funds to pur 
 chase 500 ice cream freezers for the negroes in Libe 
 ria. A person so calling himself was then in that 
 city, and had collected seven or eight dollars. He 
 was described as a low-built man, broad in the back,
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 265 
 
 nose broken and skewed around to starboard, and 
 four front teeth gone. 
 
 Brother Pickles Smith at once leaped to his feet 
 and moved that the Club offer a reward of $5, 000 for 
 the arrest and conviction of the infamous imposter, 
 and he was about to launch out into a speech thirty- 
 four feet long when the President stopped him with: 
 
 "Doan git excited, Brudder Smith. While de 
 man am a fraud, an while it am werry, werry 
 wrong to blast de reputashun of a good man, dis 
 Club won t offer ober $5 reward. Hundreds of white 
 men have sold out for less. Sot down, Pickles sot 
 down an ketch yer breath." 
 
 THE SICK. 
 
 The Committee on the sick reported that Brother 
 General Jackson Cox had sent for them on the pre 
 vious evening and they had arrived at his cabin in 
 a one-horse wagon to find him out of his mind and 
 evidently drawing near death s door. They recom 
 mended that he be allowed five dollars from the re 
 lief fund, and that two members be detailed to sit 
 up with him. 
 
 " Brudder Cox didn t send for me." observed the 
 President, as he placed the report on the window- 
 sill, where it would blow into the street, "but I went 
 over dar jist de same. I arrove dar bout half 
 an hour after de Committee left, an I found de 
 Gineral lickin de chill en wid one hand an eatin 
 cold corn beef wid de odder. His mind had got back 
 an so had his ole woman, an de way she was rak- 
 in him down made me weak in de knees. Doorin 
 de arternoon de Gineral had eaten two quarts of 
 huckle-berries, a cherry pie, a loaf of bread, fo*
 
 20ti THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 biled aigs an a due quantity of sassage, an de 
 strain on his constitution was a leetle too much. He 
 won t git eny relief heah, an de next time he shows 
 Up in dis Hall Ize gwine to talk to him in a way dat 
 will make him lose six pounds of fat in five minits." 
 
 ASTRONOMY. 
 
 The Committee on Astronomy reported that it had 
 used every possible effort to discover whether the 
 moon was inhabited or not, but had been unable to 
 satisfy twemselves that it was. Col. Jerusalem Todd, 
 of the Committee, was pretty well satisfied that he 
 had seen goats moving about up there, and Elder 
 Higginbottorn was dead sure that he could make 
 out a troop of yellow dogs and a patch of black 
 berry bushes, but they had squinted in vain for a 
 sight of human life. 
 
 WILL INVESTIGATE. 
 
 Giveadam Jones sent to the Secretary s desk a let 
 ter which he had received from Chicago, signed Gin 
 ger Jackson, preferring charges against a member 
 of the Club residing there, named Cyclone Sampson. 
 The charges were: Beating his fare on the street 
 cars and mistaking a cooper shop for a saloon. 
 Brother Gardner ordered the Committee on Elections 
 to investigate and report, and if the charges are sus 
 tained Brother Jackson may prepare himself for a 
 standing jump of thirty-two feet. 
 
 The solemn voice of the triangle now announced 
 that the safety of the country was an assured fact, 
 and as the water pail was turned bottom side up 
 and the safe rolled back to place, the Glee Club burst 
 into delicious song and the meeting fell asunder.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 267 
 
 NO LUNATICS PRESENT. 
 
 WHAT I war goin to remark," began Brother 
 Gardner, as the hour arrived and the triangle soun 
 ded, "am to ask who among you am insane? I 
 should like to make out a list as soon as possible, an 
 I hope dat no lunatic will feel backward about 
 handin in his name. 
 
 "You look surprised," continued the old man, as 
 he walked up and down in front of his desk, " but I 
 am quite satisfied dat we have at least a dozen luna 
 tics among us. De man who shot de President could 
 read law an plead it; he could cheat, lie, swindle, 
 bilk hotels, buy an sell, come an go, push his claims 
 fur office an go on long journey, an yet he am de 
 clared to be crazy. No one eber knowed it till he 
 became an assassin. If he hadn t tried to commit 
 murder he would still be looked upon as a dead-beat 
 instead of a lunatic. Now I propose to take time by 
 de 4-lock an make a list of de lunatics in our Club 
 fur de benefit of de purleece. Let each assassin 
 stand up as his name is called by de Seckretary." 
 
 The Secretary went through the roll in his usual 
 sing-song way, and not a member stood up. 
 
 " Werry well," said the President, "let de Seck 
 retary make a note of dis. You hev all pleaded 
 guilty to bein perfeckly sane, an you mus take de 
 consequences. If ary one of you walk out of a gro 
 cery wid a codfish under your coat, or am ober- 
 hauled by de purleece wid a bag of chickens on yer 
 back, doan try to shirk de consequences by pleadin 
 insanity."
 
 268 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 NOT YET. 
 
 A letter from the Rev. Tobago Jones, of Mobile, 
 asked if it was true that the Lime-Kiln Club had 
 passed a resolution asking Congress to rob the treas 
 ury and divide up the money between them and go 
 home and have done with it. The President said 
 that such a resolution was now on his desk, and 
 might be presented at the next meeting. 
 
 IT WILL. 
 
 The Secretary announced a further communica 
 tion from Buggy Botton, Fla., stating the fact that 
 the colored people in that vicinity had formed a 
 " Saw-Dust Club," and desired to affiliate with the 
 Lime-Kiln. Brother Gardner ordered the Secretary 
 to open correspondence with red ink and corn-color 
 ed envelopes, and in case it was found that the 
 " Saw-Dusters " were composed of sixteen members, 
 and were provided with a three-hooped water-pail, 
 a thermometer and a stove with regular hinges to 
 the door, to say that the Lime-Kiln would affiliate 
 up to the twenty-seventh degree. 
 
 "KINDER NEUTRAL." 
 
 "I has received a letter from de interior of de 
 Stait," said the President, as he adjusted his specta 
 cles, "axin what part dis Lime-Kiln Club will take 
 in de Emancipashun Proclimashun Celebrashun, to 
 be held in August. I spect dat we shall take a kin 
 der neutral posishun. If de cull d folkses of Michi 
 gan, or any part daf- off, feel dat de anniversary of 
 dat occashun calls fur a splurge, let em splurge. 
 As fur me, 1 reckon dat de black man who chaws up
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 269 
 
 chickens on Thanksgiving hangs up his stockins on 
 ^Christmas, gorges himself on New Year s, parades 
 on Washington s birthday, feels bad on Decorashun 
 Day an busts de glory outer dis kentry 011 Fo th of 
 July, has bout all de bizness on han he kin manage 
 on an income ranging from $3 to $7 per week. We 
 will lend em our flag an water-pail, an keep Para 
 dise Hall open all day fur de weary, but dey needn t 
 look fur any thin furder." 
 
 ABSORBED. 
 
 Among the applications for membership was the 
 Colored Philosophical Club of Atlanta, composed of 
 twenty-seven of the most celebrated colored men of 
 Georgia. The club was organized seven years ago, 
 and at one time numbered over three hundred mem 
 bers. The letter forwarded by the Secretary stated 
 that the club had decided to dissolve because the 
 President had run away with a strange woman, its 
 Treasurer had skipped with the funds and the Secre 
 tary was in jail on charge of having thirteen shovels 
 hidden under his wood-shed. 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 Pickles Smith, Chairman of the Committee on Ap 
 plications, announced that he had no names of can 
 didates to hand in, and an explanation being de 
 manded, he said that he had a list of thirteen in his 
 pocket to bring down, but lost it while assisting a 
 white man to load a calf into a wagon. 
 
 Brudder Smith," replied the President, as he care 
 fully wiped his spectacles, " de nex time dat a spot 
 ted calf or a yaller dog, or anything else short of a 
 cyclone or an airthquake, am permitted to interfere
 
 270 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 wid de reg lar bizness of dis Club, dar will be a wa- 
 cancy heah, an you will no longer hev de privil 
 ege of spittin tobacky on de fust jint of de stove 
 
 pipe." 
 
 IT WAS PENSTOCK. 
 
 The Secretary then read a letter from January 
 Jones, of Selma, Alabama, stating that he received 
 a call some six weeks since from a person represent 
 ing himself to be the Rev. Penstock. Said person 
 borrowed $2 to help him on to the next town, and as 
 the money had not been returned as promised, Mr. 
 Jones had drawn a sight-draft on the Treasurer of 
 the Club for the amount. 
 
 As the Secretary laid the communication down 
 117 pairs of eyes were turned upon Penstock. He 
 rose up, choking with indignation, and as soon as 
 he could unbutton his vest and push up his hair, he 
 put in such an emphatic denial that one of the bear- 
 traps fell down upon Samuel Shin and rendered him 
 unconscious for seven minutes. Penstock was not 
 within fifty miles of Selma on his southern trip, and 
 as for money, he reached home after an absence of 
 almost four weeks with upwards of twenty-three 
 cents to spare. He wanted a Committee of Investi 
 gation, and he wanted that committee to do its work 
 in the most thorough manner. The President ap 
 pointed Giveadam Jones, Colonel De Hue and Sara 
 toga Thompson as such committee, with power to 
 send for persons and papers and lemonade and ci 
 gars and a fifteen-cent lunch.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 271 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 The Glee Club having wrestled with a new song 
 composed expressly for the fall season by some one 
 signing herself "Mrs. L.," Elder Toots was drawn 
 to one side, a new thirteen-cent pad-lock placed on the 
 safe, and the meeting adjourned with such enthusi 
 asm that several panes of glass were broken in the 
 window looking down upon the alley. 
 
 TRAPPING A HYENA. 
 
 SOME three months ago, owing to various and re 
 peated attempts to destroy Paradise Hall by fiends 
 in human shape, Samuel Shin asked leave in open 
 meeting to protect the Hall by an invention of his 
 own. Leave was granted, and the result was seen 
 as the Janitor opened the place Saturday afternoon 
 to make ready for the usual weekly meeting at night. 
 Mr. Shin s invention consisted of a pound of pow 
 der innocently stored away in an old nail keg, and 
 the keg placed where a stranger would use it to look 
 through the transom. A pressure of two pounds on 
 the head of the keg would scratch a match and ex 
 plode the powder. Some men would have grown 
 weary of waiting, but Samuel knew that if he fished 
 long enough he was certain to catch a whale. 
 
 Sometime during Thursday night a person whose 
 name will never be known unlocked the street door 
 with the crank of a coffee mill and slid up stairs 
 with murder in his thoughts. Perhaps he expected 
 to find Elder Toots asleep up there, and was prepared 
 to dispatch him without mercy, or he may have sim-
 
 272 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ply intended to damage the Hall about $18,000 
 worth and then go away to secretly chuckle over 
 his dastardly work. Be that as it may he reached 
 the ante-room and paused for a moment to cast a 
 glance of contempt at the stuffed opposum over the 
 door leading into the lodge. There stood the inno 
 cent nail keg, and the transom was open. 
 
 The human hyena probably cackled with delight 
 as he saw the easy way prepared for him, but it was 
 his last cackle on earth. As he mounted the keg 
 there was a dull explosion, which was heard by 
 many people on the street and supposed to have been 
 caused by the blowing up of a tug down towards 
 Lake Erie. 
 
 When the Hall opened Saturday evening Mr. Shin 
 had all the remains spread out on top of Waydown 
 Bebee s plug hat. There was a button, seven hairs, 
 the heel of a sock, a finger-nail, and a part of a 
 document beginning with: " To the Hon. the Com 
 mon Coun ." A hole in the roof through which 
 twenty-seven stars looked placidly down on the 
 Bear-Trap indicated the ulterior direction taken by 
 the balance of the remains. The force of the ex 
 plosion knocked the safe over and broke one hinge, 
 and the pictures on the walls were more or less dam 
 aged, but Cadaver Smith came forward and offered 
 to make good the damage out of his own pocket. 
 
 THE LESSON. 
 
 " Let dis be a warnin to de wicked to pause," said 
 Brother Gardner as the meeting opened. " Let it be 
 a furder warnin to de good not to become wicked. 
 Wickedeess doan pay. If you turn gambler you 
 may hide de joker up yer sleeve and win a few dol-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 273 
 
 lars, but de fust thing ye know some man will hide 
 de fo bowers in his hat an skoop ye blind. If you 
 turn robber you may stop some plumber on de high 
 way an make a haul of three hun red dollars, but 
 de nex fing you know you bet on a hoss-race air 
 lose de pile. We have de proofs befo us dat while 
 de wicked am chucklin an grinnin an growin fat, 
 death am waitin at deir elbow to lif em higher nor 
 a kite. De Committee on Privileges an Repose will 
 see to de repairs of de Hall, an we will now ambu 
 late to rs de reg lar order of bizness." 
 
 THE LAWYERS. 
 
 "JiST at dis moment," began Brother Gardner as 
 the triangle called the meeting to order, " de press 
 of de North, East, South an West am cryin out at 
 de increase of of crime an .de laxity of law. Judges 
 an juries am bein plainly told dat dis turnin loose 
 of red-handed criminals must stop or de people will 
 resort to lynch law, an in many cases de long-suf- 
 f erin people hev dun taken de law inter deir own 
 hands an left de criminals dangling to de limbs of 
 trees or lamp-posts. From de press an workshop 
 comes a cry for reform, an men am axin each od 
 der whar de root of de evil lies. Heah am a letter 
 from Ohio axin me how I feel about it an what I 
 hev to recommend. 
 
 " Listen to me. Kin you name one single lawyer 
 in dis kentry, outside of de salaried Prosecuting At 
 torneys, who has any fame as a defender of de law 
 an a convicter of criminals? Not one! On de od 
 der hand you kin name hundreds who have grown.
 
 274 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. * 
 
 rich an famous by pullin thieves, burglars an mur 
 derers freu de meshes of de law. To be a lawyer is 
 to be a law-breaker not a law defender. To be a 
 lawyer is to be a man, who, fur mo or less money, 
 will attempt to shield de man who steals his own 
 f adder s corpse from de grave an sells it $o de sur 
 geons. To be a lawyer is to be a man who will 
 break up the happiest family fur a $20 greenback. 
 Ef you hate your nay bur go to de lawyer an he will 
 tell you how to pla;y him some dirty trick. Ef a 
 newspaper tells de truf bout you, go to a lawyer an 
 he will start a libel suit on speckulashun. Ef you 
 want your wife sent to a mad-house, any lawyer 
 will fix de case fur $50. Steal, rob, murder, an law 
 yers will rush to your prison cell to get a fee for de- 
 fendin you. Our cities am full of gamblers. Why? 
 Kase de lawyers encourage em. Embezzlement 
 has become de rule. Why? Kase de lawyer settles 
 de case fur a per cent, an de embezzler comes out 
 of it wid a character as pure as de snow. Who 
 started de insanity dodge? De lawyers. Who en 
 courage divorces? De lawyers. Who encourage 
 crime in all its phases? De lawyers. You kin not 
 hire de lowest, poorest black man to do fur money 
 what lawyers am doin every day. De public am 
 deir prey. Misfortune am deir opportunity, ah man s 
 weakness am deir glory aa profit. De public law 
 has no majesty in deir eyes de fireside grief rouses 
 no sentiment in deir hearts. Whar dar am no law 
 yers dar am no litigashun an but few crimes. Our 
 judiciary, in too many cases, from Justice of de 
 Peace cl ar up, am v entitled to no man s reverence 
 an may well fall under every man s suspicshuns, 
 Too many lawyers am black-legs, who deserve prison
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 275 
 
 bars, an many of our courts am nuffin better dan 
 dens of robbers an black-mailers. Dat s all fur dis 
 time, an ? we will now impel ourselves upon de reg - 
 lar order of bizness." 
 
 DON T NEED ANY. 
 
 The Secretary announced a communication from 
 Prof. Pecan Thomas, of Texas, offering to come to 
 Detroit and deliver five lectures before the Club on 
 the subject of " The Benefits of Philosophy," pro 
 viding that the Club would pay his running expenses 
 and guarantee him a purse of $100. 
 
 "We can t spar de money, an we doan need de 
 philosophy," said Brother Gardner in reply. "No 
 doubt philosophy has its benefits: but a determined 
 man, armed wid de Baptist religun an a new white 
 wash brush, kin work all aroun philosophy six days 
 in de week, an wake up wid a cl ar head on Sunday 
 mornin . When taters am a dollar a bushel an . 
 risin , two shillins in cash will go furder dan sixteen 
 lectures on de purtiest philosophy eber stood up in a 
 nine-pin alley to be knocked down by de cold han 
 of hunger. 
 
 NOT ON THAT LAY. 
 
 The Secretary of the Scientific and Research 
 Association of St Louis, composed of twenty-one 
 barbers and a cook, forwarded a communication to 
 the Club, asking in the name of the colored people of 
 America, a contribution of $50 in cash towards an 
 other attempt to discover the North Pole. 
 
 .Samuel Shin bobbed up to say that he favored the 
 project, but one look settled him back, and on the 
 matter being put to a vote, every one of the 129 mem-
 
 276 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ders voted dead against it. If the colored people of 
 America do any discovering during the next three 
 or four years, they will not have to divide the 
 honors with the Lime-Kiln Clnb. 
 
 THEY WILL AGREE. 
 
 The Chairman of the Committee on Internal 
 Harmony reported that his committee had met a 
 committee appointed by the State Legislature, and 
 had come to a perfect understanding all around. 
 The legislative body had agreed: 
 
 1. To take no steps to raise the poll-tax on colored 
 men, without the assent of the Club. 
 
 2. To place no impediment in the way of introduc 
 ing artistic whitewashing into school boards. 
 
 3. To name all ^new mountains, lakes and volca 
 noes discovered in this State after prominent 
 colored persons to be named by the Club. 
 
 The Committee had agreed on the part of the Club? 
 
 1. Not to demand exemption from jury service on 
 account of ignorance. 
 
 2. To restrain the number of dogs in a family to 
 six. 
 
 3. Not to interfere with the next Senatorship. 
 Thus, by the exercise of a little diplomatic courtesy 
 
 and common sense, these two powerful bodies will 
 work together for the common good, and the result 
 cannot be over-estimated. 
 
 WILL SEE ABOUT IT. 
 
 The Secretary further announced the receipt of a 
 communication from the " Malone Corners Prevari 
 cating Society," of Tennessee, asking to be taken in 
 to the Lime-Kiln Club in a body.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Giveadam Jones moved to suspend the rules and 
 vote the society in, but the Rev. Penstock objected, 
 lie said that a prevaricator was a liar, and he 
 thought the Club had all the liars it could take care 
 of. 
 
 Judge Juneblossom jumped up and wanted to 
 know if that was a personal fling at him. Col. 
 Rainbow Smith followed suit, and in a minute forty 
 members were on their feet waving their hands, 
 shaking their fists and yelling at the top of their 
 voices. During the parliamentary excitement one 
 of the bear-traps fell down, and struck old man Col 
 lins on the neck, and tbe bust of Andrew Jackson 
 made a jump for Pickles Smith and laid him out, 
 and somebody upset the sleeping Elder Toots and 
 incited him to yell "murder!" at the top of his 
 voice. Order could not be restored until the Presi 
 dent picked up a four-pound weight and threatened 
 to let it slide down the center aisle. It was then de 
 cided to refer the matter to a Special Committee, 
 and the President added: 
 
 " Brudder Penstock, do not be too ready to charge 
 humanity wid lyin an deceivin . Brudder June- 
 blossom, do not be too quick to believe dat you am 
 de only liar an prevaricator in dis Club. All men 
 lie an all women prevaricate. We expect em to, 
 an in many cases we respect em for it." 
 
 RULES SUSPENDED. 
 
 At this moment the Janitor entered with a tele 
 gram from Comecloser Peters, of Baltimore, asking 
 that his name be presented for membership. Mr. 
 Peters is known throughout the State of Maryland 
 as the only colored man in the South who can whis-
 
 278 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 tie six different tunes on his thumb-nail. He is an 
 orator, a great financier, and makes "pig" rhyme 
 with "everlasting" when writing poetry. 
 
 On motion of Royal Purple Saunders the rules 
 were suspended and Mr. Peters was made a mem 
 ber. 
 
 REPORTS. 
 
 Owing to the great interest taken in the celebra 
 tion of the Fourth by the members of the Club, the 
 various committees were behind in their reports and 
 had nothing to submit. The President stated his 
 hopes that all committees would settle down to bus 
 iness at once, and after reproving Samuel Shin for 
 asserting in a crowd that his forefathers died in the 
 cause of liberty, and severely reprimanding Pickles 
 Smith for asserting that Fourth of July was no better 
 than Christmas, the meeting walked down stairs 
 while the Glee Club sang: " Twas the Midnight 
 Howl of a Baby." 
 
 THE INFLUENCE OF MUSIC. 
 
 "I HAS received a letter from Boston," slowly re 
 marked Brother Gardner as he squinted from Samuel 
 Shin to Waydown Bebee. "I has received a letter 
 from Boston axin me fur my observashuns on de in- 
 flooence of music on mankind. I reply dat man 
 kind widout music would be chawin each odder up 
 in half a day. Music am de stone wall dat surrounds 
 marcy. peace, charity and humanity. Only last 
 week I war writin down my observashuns fur de 
 last forty-seven y ars, an I will gib dem to de public 
 as follows:
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 279 
 
 " De sound of a horse-fiddle brings up old recko- 
 leckshuns an starts de tears of regret. If played 
 long nuff, an de mind am in de right direckshun, it 
 will cause de listener to shell out a subscripshun of 
 $3,000 to rds a new cull d Baptist Church. Try it 
 once an be convinced. 
 
 " De sound of a harp hits a man below de belt. 
 He begins to fink of all de mean fings he ever did, 
 an to wish he hadn t, an at de eand of fifteen min- 
 its he am all ready to step ober an pay his nayburs 
 a dollar apiece fur de hens he shot in his garden las 
 spring. 
 
 "De sound of de fiddle grabs on to seben differ 
 ent heart strings to once, an a man am knocked so 
 flat dat he will esteem it a privilege to len you $10. 
 
 " The jewsharp goes right to de soul. If your wife 
 am all ready to lope off wid de hired man de notes 
 of de jewsharp will take her bonnet off in sixteen 
 seconds. If you keep a hired man you should also 
 keep a jewsharp. 
 
 "Pianer music sometimes hits and sometimes 
 misses. Ize known it to make an old bald-head go 
 home an pass two hull hours widout cuffin de chill - 
 en, an Ize known it to cause a young gal to slide 
 down ober de roof of de kitchen an lope off wid de 
 owner of a side-show. 
 
 " De guitar always brings sadness an a resolushun 
 to begin on de 1st of January to quit runin out 
 nights an playin policy. 
 
 "De brass band might soothe a sorrowin soul if 
 de said sorrowin soul didn t have all he could do to 
 hold his hoss. 
 
 "De molodeon used to produce a desire on de part 
 of de listener to be buried under a yew-yew tree, but
 
 280 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 I h ar dey have improved it so dat a pusson had as 
 lief be buried under a basswood. 
 
 " De organ fills de soul widawe an strikes de her 
 oic chord. If you am layin fur a man doan tackle 
 him just arter he has been takin in de note of an 
 organ. 
 
 " De banjo yum! If you want my dog my hoss 
 my house an lot, play me de banjo an keep time 
 wid yer fut. I spect de music of de anjelic harps 
 am sweet an soft an dreamy, but if dey want to 
 keep us cull d folks satisfied up dar a leetle mo banjo 
 an a leetle less harp am de fust prescription. Let us 
 now attack de bizness of de meetin ." 
 
 NIPPED IN THE BUD. 
 
 A hotel keeper in Leesburg, Va., notified the Club 
 that on a late date a colored man, wearing two dia 
 mond pins, three watch chains and other evidences 
 of the string game, called at his hotel to engage 
 board for four weeks, and gave his name as Trustee 
 Fullback, of the Lime Kiln Club. When his land 
 lord asked him which eye Brother Gardner was blind 
 of, the fellow took to his heels, and although pursued 
 for three miles by two men and a dog, he eluded 
 them in a blackberry patch. 
 
 A CLOSE SHAVE. 
 
 " Am brudder Blue Glass Henderson in de Hall to 
 night?" blandly inquired the President, as he stood 
 up and looked around. 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " Will you please step dis way?" 
 
 The brother stepped. He didn t seem easy in 
 his mind and he kept his eyes on the colfee-pot once
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 281 
 
 owned by the poet Milton instead of facing the Presi 
 dent. 
 
 " Brudder Henderson, you war in a butcher-shop 
 on Beaubien street las Wednesday forenoon?" 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " When you went out de butcher missed two slices 
 of ham, an you war follered an sarched." 
 
 "Yes. sah." 
 
 " In one of your coat-tail pockets dey found, not 
 de two slices of ham, but a pound and a half of beef." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " You couldn t tell whar you got dat beef to save 
 your life, an you let de butcher keep it." 
 
 "Yes, sah, but de charge was stealin ham." 
 
 " Jist so, Brudder Henderson, jist so. Dey missed 
 ham an dey found beef. It am plain nuff dat you 
 didn t take de goods charged but I want you to un- 
 derstan dat when dey miss ham an find beef on a 
 member of dis Club dat member has had de werry 
 closest sort of a shave from bein bounced off n our 
 books an outer de Hall. Take your seat, sah, an 
 let dis be de awfullest kind of a warnin to you." 
 
 THE WEATHER. 
 
 The following streak of weather can be looked for 
 this week. 
 
 SUNDAY Pretty fair, considering that it has to 
 spread out over the whole United States and Canada. 
 
 MONDAY A little off, but good enough for wash 
 day. 
 
 TUESDAY Opens to a large house and gives gen 
 eral satisfaction as far west as Omaha, and that s as 
 far as good weather is expected to go.
 
 283 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 WEDNESDAY Signs of autumn; coal dealer says 
 he wants the amount of the old bill first. Thunder 
 showers in the Gulf States. Persimmons fair eating 
 in Virginia, and Michigan watermelons come under 
 the wire ahead. 
 
 THURSDAY No fish. 
 
 FRIDAY Next door to being, a spooney day. 
 Opaque atmosphere in the New England States, and 
 all the women look lantern-jawed. 
 
 SATURDAY Comes up to the scratch smiling, but 
 no go. Wants to snow, but concludes to rain. Sort 
 of dreariness settles down over the country, and 
 cats usher in the evening with wild, glad yells. 
 
 A CHAMPION. 
 
 " Am Construction White in de Hall dis evenin ?" 
 softly inquired the President as the hush came. 
 
 Yes, sah," answered a voice from the back end 
 of the room, and Brother White made his way to 
 the platform with a look of puzzled wonder on his 
 face. 
 
 " Construction White," continued the President, 
 after drawing a long breath, " I understan dat you 
 have become a champion." 
 
 " I I I dunno, sah/ stammered the Brother. 
 
 " I understan dat you claim to be able to lift mo 
 wid your teef dan any odder man in America. One 
 of de local papers say dat you kin lift 280 poun s wid 
 your jaws, an dat you kin sustain your own weight 
 seben minits by cotchin a strap in your mouf." 
 
 " I I spect dat s so, sah."
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 283 
 
 "Brudder White, dis Club doan go a cent on 
 champions. Champion rowers am simply crooks. 
 Champion wrestlers am only loafers wid clean shirts 
 on. De champion runner am sooner or later an in 
 mate of de workhouse. De champion walker walks 
 away from his bo d bill. Show me a so-called 
 champion an I ll show you a bad citizen. Brudder 
 White, you am a man wid an iron jaw." 
 
 1 Yes, sah." 
 
 " Use dat jaw properly an men will bless you. 
 You have a wide field befo you. You kin help to 
 tear down houses wid dat jaw. You kin tow schoon 
 ers up an down de riber wid profit to yourself an 
 pleasure to commerce. You kin help de firemen 
 you kin aid de police you need have no fear of bit- 
 in off mo dan you kin chaw. Do dis quietly an 
 modestly, an widout any blowin of ho ns. Bite 
 honestly when you strike a railroad spike, an chaw 
 on de squar when you git hold of a piece of sheet- 
 iron. Do dis, an we shall be glad dat you are 
 among us. Start out as a champion, an off goes 
 your name f rqrn our books. You kin now return to 
 your seat an analize yer thoughts, an decide what 
 course you will adopt." 
 
 THEY ARE FRAUDS. 
 
 The Secretary announced a letter under the blood 
 red seal, from the council chamber of the Gee-haw- 
 haw Club, of Jersey City, stating that six individu 
 als who professed to hold membership in the Lime- 
 Kiln Club had applied to the Gee-haw-haw Club for 
 admission. The matter was laid on the table until 
 the names could be forwarded for identification.
 
 284 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Brother Gardner at once denounced each and ev 
 ery one a fraud of the second water. No such per 
 sons ever belonged to the Lime-Kiln Club, and the 
 only one of them who ever made application was re 
 jected for walking home with a smoked ham which 
 belonged to another man. Societies all over the 
 country are warned against any person who claims 
 to belong to the Lime-Kiln Club who cannot show a 
 certificate in which the word correct is spelled with 
 a big "K. 
 
 SIXTY COPIES WANTED. 
 
 Trustee Fullback stated that he had received-a let 
 ter from Escanaba, Mich., to the effect that an Esca- 
 naba editor had in press a history of the colored 
 troops in the war. It would be a book of 200 pages, 
 illustrated with 150 cuts of the said editor leading 
 the gallant sjun-burned Africans into carnage, and 
 would probably be sold for a dollar. 
 
 On motion of Samuel Shin it was resolved that the 
 Kime-Kiln Club order sixty copies of the forthcom 
 ing work, and an amendment inviting the editor to 
 lecture before the Club and describe his experiences 
 in thirty-four battles was likewise adopted. 
 
 THE EASTERN QUESTION. 
 
 Elder Toots said he arose in the interests of har 
 mony and peace, and to inquire if the American 
 Government had meddled or proposed to meddle 
 with the eastern question. 
 
 The President replied that this government was 
 represented in Turkish waters by two naval vessels, 
 and that Uncle Sam seemed to itch to be counted in.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 285 
 
 The Elder then offered a resolution to the effect 
 that in the opinion of the Lime-Kiln Club the less 
 this government meddled with foreign affairs the 
 more it would please the great majority, and the 
 same was adopted by a vote of 84 to 1 Sorghum 
 Clydebottom voting in the negative to spite Pickles 
 Smith for stepping on his heel. 
 
 REPORTS. 
 
 The Committee on Internal Harmony reported 
 a peaceful state of affairs throughout the entire 
 country. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture had received re 
 ports fr.om the peanut and melon crop which de 
 lighted their hearts. 
 
 The Committee on Judiciary reported a marked 
 decrease of crime in most of the States, and recom 
 mended the passage of a law by the several States 
 making the crime of murder a punishable offense. 
 
 The Committee on Astronomy had seen the comet 
 and observed the spots on the sun, but were not pre 
 pared to say that either affair had any influence on 
 the weather or the general welfare. It was their be 
 lief that if the heavens were allowed to run their 
 own machine things would come out all right. 
 
 The Librarian reported that he had received three 
 new books from Boston treating on the vegetable 
 kingdom, and a further supply of almanacs of the 
 date of 1857. 
 
 The Keeper of the Sacred Relics reported the re 
 ceipt of a plaster cast of the head of Plato, which 
 showed the old man to be very level-headed, a knife 
 carried by DeSoto. and vest buckle supposed to have 
 been lost by Napoleon in his retreat from Moscow,
 
 286 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 All the other general business of the country was 
 then placed in the refrigerator and the meeting went 
 home. 
 
 PROF. ARTICHOKE HUGGINS. 
 
 " WHAT I desire to say," began Brother Gardner, 
 as the meeting opened, "am to de effeck dat Prof. 
 Artichoke Huggins am in de ante-room an ready to 
 appear before us an deliver his celebrated lecture on 
 Am Life Wuth de Livin Fur. De Professor am a 
 resident of Arkansas, in which state he has won 
 seben silver medals fur makin de longest jumps on 
 record. He arrove here from Chicago last night on 
 a mixed train, paid a boy two shillins to show him 
 de way to my house, an so fur as I kin judge from 
 his talk an de way he combs his hair, de man am a 
 scholar an a gem len. Sir Isaac Walpole, you an 
 Giveadam Jones will put on yer white kids, blue 
 neckties an swaller-tailed coats an escort Prof. Hug- 
 gins inter de Hall." 
 
 The brothers mentioned retired to the dressing- 
 room and donned their State apparel, and after the 
 lapse of a few minutes they appeared in the Hall 
 with the Professor between them. As he mounted 
 the platform and was received by Brother Gardner 
 he appeared to be a man about five feet ten inches 
 high, prominent nose, retiring chin, eyes about the 
 color of boiler-iron, and dressed in faultless taste. 
 After slipping a troche into his mouth he bowed im 
 pressively and began: 
 
 "My friends, it pleases me exceedingly to behold 
 sjch a. va.st sea of intellectual faces befo me. [Sen-
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 287 
 
 sation.j I kin almost emagine myself looking down 
 de aisle of de Senate Chamber of de United States. 
 [More sensation.] De question: Am Life Wuth de 
 Libin Fur? has often been axed, an I believe that 
 several parties besides me have put de same query 
 from de rostrum. [Cheers by Samuel Shin, who 
 had no idea what the word rostrum meant.] But I 
 claim to be de only pusson in dis kentry who takes 
 de negative side of dis momenchus inquiry. In de 
 fust place we am bo n. De fust year of our life am 
 spent in cry in wid pain an sorrow. We see ghosts. 
 We have bad dreams. We am seized by de colic. 
 Our froats am tunnels down which dey pour soothin 
 syrup, paregoric, sweet milk an what not, an we 
 wish we was dead. [Sobs by Pickles Smith, who 
 lately lost his grandfather.] What comfort does 
 any boy or gal take up to de aige of fifteen y ars? 
 Not a bit. De boys git licked an de gals git spanked 
 an dey fall down stairs, have de chicken-pox, git 
 boxed up wid de mumps, an have to w ar clothes 
 which have been cut over an dyed. [Sensation by 
 Giveadarn Jones as he recalled old recollections.] 
 
 " From de aige of fifteen to twenty," continued 
 the orator, after pulling down his vest, " life am full 
 of love an jealousy an bad fittin coats, an gwine 
 to funerals, an stayin home from circuses. Jist as 
 a young man gits to thinkin dat he am happy lie 
 diskivers dat his sleeve buttons am fifteen seconds 
 behind de style, or dat his butes am de hundredth 
 part of an inch too long, or dat his coat wrinkles in 
 de back. [Groans from Trustee Fullback, who re 
 membered when he was learning the barber s trade 
 in Richmond.]
 
 288 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "From twenty to thirty we get married," contin 
 ued the Professor as a sad smile crossed his face. 
 " We love an court an hire libery rigs an buy can 
 dy an marry. What am de result? [Groans from 
 all over the Hall.] We have to pay house rent, an 
 buy wood, an go to meetin an git trusted fur gro 
 ceries, an puts up wid kicks an cuffs an howlin 
 babies an a hull doahyard full of miseries. [Long- 
 drawn sighs from eighty-four members.] 
 
 " Den we grow old, an we take snuff an smoke 
 clay pipes an spit on de ca pet an jaw de chill en, 
 and finally die. [Tears from Waydown Bebee.j 
 Dat s life an its eand. Whar s de comfort? What 
 have we f oun wuth livin fur? How much better if 
 we had bin trees, or fence-posts, or picket fences! 
 Life am a mad struggle. [Sighs.] We come up 
 like a sunflower an am cut down. [Faint groans.] 
 To-day we may win de big turkey at de raffle to 
 morrow we may have to pawn our overcoat to keep 
 de stove gwine, [Significant winks and nods.] 
 
 " My friends, thankin you fur your airnest an in 
 explicable attenshun, an trustin dat my feeble re 
 marks will be productive of overwhelmin profit, I 
 return you my heartfelt sympathies and resoom my 
 seat." 
 
 For half a minute there was deep silence. Then 
 Pickles Smith stood up and waved the empty water- 
 pail around his head, and the enthusiasm broke forth 
 and lasted so long that six policemen gathered on the 
 corner and a barrel of beans was upset in the grg- 
 eery bek>w.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 289 
 
 ANOTHER IMPOSTER. 
 
 After quietness had been restored and the an 
 nouncement made that, owing to the lateness of the 
 hour, no election would be held, the Secretary read 
 the following: 
 
 PORTLAND, ME., January 8, 1882. 
 
 BROTHER GARDNER A man claiming to be Elder Toots has 
 been canvasing the colored population of this city soliciting sub 
 scriptions to aid the schools in Liberia. He is a man about fifty 
 years of age, with a proclivity forgetting drunk. He has secured 
 several contributions. Will you state through the columns of the 
 FREE PRESS if he is the original Elder V 
 
 And oblige, 
 
 SINCERITY JONES, 2d, 
 Secretary Atlantic Division Lime-Kiln Club. 
 
 The anger of Elder Toots broke out as soon as the 
 Secretary had finished reading. He waved his arms, 
 jumped up and down in his tracks, and but for the 
 sudden discovery that he had lost a pound of pork 
 bought before the meeting and placed in his coat- 
 tail pocket to carry home for breakfast, he might 
 have become a victim of apoplexy. 
 
 Brother Gardner said that the Portland man was 
 a red, white and blue imposter of the deepest dye, 
 and the Secretary was instructed to offer a reward 
 of $25 to any vigilance commitsee who would catch 
 and hang him. 
 
 CTJSSIN DE TIMES. 
 
 Dis mawnin ez I war walkin out mong de sun 
 flowers in de back yard," began Brother Gardner, as 
 the Janitor finally got through sneezing, " Misser
 
 290 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Darius Green, de white man, came long, an dere 
 was a powerful sad look on his face ez he leaned 
 ober de fence an said: 
 
 " Misser Gardner, dis sufferin hez got tercome to 
 a cease! 
 
 " * Hez you got de shakes an chills, I axed? 
 
 " Wuss dan dat, Misser Gardner. Ize workin 
 all de long week fur ten shillin a day, an whar de 
 money goes I can t tell. De ole woman wants new 
 clothes, de chillin wants dis an dat, de rent runs be- 
 hin , an Fze gittin, desperit. 
 
 " Shoo ! now, but let s make some figgers on de 
 fence, I tole him. Now den, you chew terbacker? 
 
 " Yes, I chew bout ten cents worf a day. 
 
 " Dat s seventy cents a week ! 
 
 " An you drink lager? 
 
 " Well, of course I drink a glass now an den 
 maybe fifteen glasses a week! 
 
 " Dat s seventy-five cents moah sah. 
 
 " What d ye do on Sundays ? 
 
 (> Oh, go up to de beer garden. 
 
 <e An you spen a dollar at least? " 
 
 v< I guess so maybe two of em. 
 
 " Say twelve shillins, an dat makes two dollars 
 an ninety-five cents per week. I reckon you frow 
 away at least free dollars ebery week sah! 
 
 "Frow it away. 
 
 Yes sah. Dat money would pay your rent an 
 buy your flour. 
 
 " But a feller must hev some comfort. 
 
 " De same, sah. De greatest comfort in de world 
 am to see de rent paid up, de family dressed up, de 
 table loaded down, an de ole woman able to go tq 
 church.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 291 
 
 " You frow away free dollars ebery week, sah, 
 an den you go roun cussin de times, de wedder, 
 an de man who hez saved his money. 
 
 " Gem len, dat white man called me an ole black 
 fool, an a dog-stealer; but dat didn t alter de case a 
 bit. He is frowin away one-third of his weekly 
 wages, an den blowin roun dat he s gittin desperit 
 an ready to head a riot. Doan let me heah eny 
 member o dis club spinnin dat yarn, kase if he 
 does dar s gwine to be a committee of investigashun, 
 an dat committee won t whitewash wurf a cent ! " 
 
 IT PAYS TO BE GOOD. 
 
 THERE was great excitement in Paradise Hall as 
 the members began to assemble. A Lithograph 
 Company had for weeks been engaged in getting 
 out a chromo entitled "Passing the Bean-box in 
 Paradise Hall." The chromo shows the entire in 
 terior of the Hall, and the forms and faces of sixty 
 or seventy members. 
 
 The first chromo printed was sent to the Janitor of 
 the club, to be exhibited, and to say that the promi 
 nent members were pleased, gratified, knocked 
 down and dragged out, would not cover the case. 
 
 Giveadam Jones, who looks the hero and states 
 man that he is, said of the chromo, " fto respectable 
 family should be without one." 
 
 Samuel Shin, who has his seat beneath the bear- 
 trap, looked the picture over carefully fourteen 
 times, and then observed, " Children will cry for it 
 in every county in America,"
 
 292 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 Waydown Bebee s eyes glared with enthusiasm as 
 he stood and contemplated the work of art, and 
 turning to Rev. Penstock he softly whispered, " We 
 don t look as beautiful as angels, but them benign 
 expreshuns can t be beaten." 
 
 Various other members indulged in flattering re 
 marks, and when Brother Gardner entered the Hall, 
 there was hardly a dry eye in the house. 
 
 He stood in front of the picture in earnest contem 
 plation for a few minutes, and then walked to his 
 accustomed seat and opened the meeting by saying: 
 
 " It pays to be good. Don t be too good, but just 
 good miff. 
 
 "Christopher Columbus diskivered America, but 
 has he eber bin put in a chromo ? He was too good. 
 Cap. Kidd, de pirate, neber eben had his photograph 
 on sale. Why? Kase he was too bad. My advice 
 to you is to hit de happy neutral groun between 
 Columbus and Kidd. One was too good to want to 
 knock somebody s head off arter stubbing his toe on 
 a stone; de odder was too bad to subscribe fur a 
 religious publication. 
 
 As I tole you in a former lecktur, be purty good 
 on de hull, an a leetle bad on de averaige. If you 
 fin a lost wallet, don t give it up until you have 
 counted de money in it, an have de bes of proof dat 
 somebody lost it. If you lose your own wallet, doan c 
 expect any better from de finder. Doan be profane, 
 an yit doan hesitate to giv de English language 
 full sweep when you cotch a boy girdlin your apple 
 trees. 
 
 Honor yer fader an yer mudder, but doan lend de 
 ole man any money onless you have good security. 
 Cum down liberally to erect churches, but if you
 
 THE LlME-KlLN CLUB. 293 
 
 have any brick to sell, ask de contractor full price. 
 Do yer dooty by orphan asylums, but doan board 
 any orphans fur less dan $3 a week. Love yer nay- 
 bur as thyself, but see dat he returns yer shovel an 
 spade an rake in good order, or make him pay de 
 retail price. 
 
 THE WEATHER. 
 
 The report was accepted, and filed, and the Chair 
 man of the Weather Bureau reported the following 
 probabilities for the coming week: 
 
 SUNDAY. Purty hot. 
 
 MONDAY Purty hotter. 
 
 TUESDAY No mere signs of snow than yesterday. 
 
 WEDNESDAY Lemonade with a stick in it. 
 
 THURSDAY Cut on the bias and ornamented with 
 forty-six buttons. 
 
 FRIDAY Rather small-tailish, but good enough 
 for common folks. 
 
 SATURDAY Thunder showers in the morning to 
 strengthen the taste of onions, and, perhaps, a tor 
 nado in the Missouri valley. Fish will bite well in 
 the Lower Lake Region, and Sunday School picnics 
 leaving Duluth should carry an average of a barrel 
 of lemonade to every fat woman. The day closes 
 cool and beautiful, with new potatoes down to forty 
 cents per bushel. 
 
 ON THE SICK. 
 
 The Chairman of the Committee on the Sick re 
 ported as follows: 
 
 " Dis Committee war called pon to -walk roun to 
 de humble cabin of Ephem as Sundown, late of de
 
 294 THE LIME-KILN CLUft. 
 
 Stait of Noo York, who jined himself to dis yere 
 Club in de early half of July. When we got dur an 
 spected to see de brudder wid his eyes rollin in ag- 
 erny, we foun we was on de wrong plantashun. 
 Misser Sundown said it was his sister-in-law who 
 was sick wid de ager an in want of quinine, an he 
 menshuned de fack dat he d be much obleeged for 
 about two dollars worf of relief. Dis Committee 
 sot down on de ideah to once, an Misser Sundown 
 was radder inclined to call de undersigned human 
 hyenas of de latest fall fashun." 
 
 " It may do dat member a heap o good to be 
 walked up befo de bear-trap," observed Brother 
 Gardner, as he passed the report along. " Dis Club 
 proposes to relieve its members in distress, but 
 when it comes down to sister-in-law de motto mus 
 be: Let em shake. Brudder Sundown hez got to 
 be talked to." 
 
 ON EDUCATION. 
 
 The Committee on Education, having been at work 
 for the past three weeks, were ready to submit the 
 following: 
 
 11 Dis Committee hez done a heap of walkin roun 
 an axin queshuns. De cause of eddercashun can t 
 be put in a bottle an shook up an poured out into a 
 tumbler wid nutmeg an sugar in de dottom of it, 
 same as politics an finance. We moved slowly, 
 put down de figgers in plain English, an we arrove 
 at de followin conclushuns: 
 
 " 1. Gin de pupils forty different books to study. 
 None of em hez ober thirty-five now, an dey am 
 wastin heaps o preshus time.
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 295 
 
 u 2. Change de skule books about eight times a 
 y ar. Dey ain t changed but once in two months 
 now, an de chill en get tired of em. 
 
 "3. Ebery department in ebery skule ought to 
 have exactly fo hundred rules. Dey have only 
 three hundred an eighty-five apiece now, an dar s a 
 possibul chance dat some scholar wilFgit a noshun 
 dat eddercashun am all vanity*" 
 
 THE CLOSE. 
 
 The hour for adjournment having arrived, and 
 there being no further business before the meeting, 
 Brother Gardner said: 
 
 " Gem len, de man who cheats you in a hoss-trade, 
 or sells six quarts of peaches for a peck, may ride 
 along on de top wave for a time, an he may puff 
 out an grow fat an be de biggest gun at a pole-rais 
 in or a coroner s inquest, but doan you fool yerself ! 
 Justice hez got her eyes sot on dat chap, an sooner 
 or later he ll come down like a satchel from a bag 
 gage car." 
 
 BBUDDER HOWKER. 
 
 " WILL Whalebone Howker please step dis way?" 
 inquired Brother Gardner in his blandest voice as 
 the meeting was declared open. 
 
 Mr. Howker had taken a seat on one of the back 
 benches as if to escape observation. He moved for 
 ward at a slow pace, and finally halted in front of 
 the President s desk. 
 
 " Brudder Howker," continued the President, "you 
 am past de noonday of life, an it grieves me to hare
 
 296 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 to call you up heah an tell you dat yer nayburs find 
 fault wid de carryins on around yer cabin. Dey 
 complain dat you fight wid your wife, keep late hours 
 drink too much whisky, an dat you nebber hev a 
 good word fur any man. What hev you to say?" 
 
 The old man hung his head and was silent. 
 
 "You war a slave, an dat am some excuse, but 
 befo mo gray hairs come to yer head you hev much 
 to 1 arn. If ye didn t marry fur love ye hev no bizness 
 libin wid a wife. If ye did, den why do ye quarrel 
 wid her? If ye can t agree if ye can t be all to 
 each odder if libin togeder keeps yer temper up, de 
 best thing ye can do am to walk right outer dat 
 cabin. De Lawcl iieber tended dat man an wife 
 should call names an pull ha r an indulge in mid 
 night battles wid feet, fists an broomsticks." 
 
 The old man raised his head to speak, but the words 
 would not come. 
 
 " An so you drink whiskey? Ole man, ye ar lay- 
 in up a heap o sorrow fur yer last y ars! Better 
 put power under yer cabin dan whisky down yer 
 f roat. It am a hole in yer pocket summer an win 
 ter; it am an evil voice constantly urgin ye to mis 
 deeds; it am a gaunt wolf drinkin yer blood; it am 
 de voice of misery an poverty de clods on a coffin 
 furnished by de Poo -master! Let it alone! An so 
 ye slander folks? Whisky an slander go togeder. 
 Hev ye lived fifty long years widout knowin dat de 
 sunshine of life am in speakin good words to an of 
 yer fellow men? All men hev deir faults an weak 
 nesses, but slander won t work a change. If we ex 
 pect men to condone our faults we mus excuse deirs. 
 Go home an speak well of yer naybur an dey will 
 speak well of you. Speak kindly to dem, an kind
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 297 
 
 words will come back. Dar am fifty million souls 
 in dis kentry, Brudder Howker, but yit de pusson 
 who am determined to be an enemy to de rest will 
 soon come to feel dat he am all alone heah. Make 
 a change, Brudder Howker make it to-night. Dis 
 Club hez got helpin hands fur any man who wants 
 to be a man." 
 
 COMMUNICATIONS. 
 
 The Secretary announced the reception of a letter 
 from the Massachusetts Horticultural Society, ask 
 ing the Club how long it took taffy seed to sprout 
 and mature, and whether they produced a vine or a 
 shrub. 
 
 "Deed, I doan zactly feel posted on dat queshun," 
 replied the President as he scratched his head. " Kin 
 any member present furnish de informashun?" 
 
 "Misser President, Ize surprised yes I iz!" an 
 swered the Rev. Penstock as he arose. " I want to 
 inquar , sah, if de honorable President of dis Club 
 neber heard de spreshun of gibin us taffy? and de 
 talk bout taffy on a string? " 
 
 The silence for the next half minute was so deep 
 that every breath drawn by the sleeping Elder Toots 
 sounded like the blowing of a whale. 
 
 " Brudder Penstock," observed the President in a 
 low voice. " on mo dan one occashun dis cha r hez 
 had to tell you to go slow. Dar am no doubt dat you 
 know a heap, but dar am seberal matters left ober 
 dat you havn t yit surrounded," 
 
 "Am it possible dat de cha r doan know what taffy 
 am!" exclaimed the Reverend. 
 
 " Order," called Samuel Shin. 
 
 "Disorder!" yelled Giveadam Jones.
 
 2QS THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 "Sot down!" piped Whetstone Smith in his 
 squeaky voice. 
 
 Waydown Bebee rapped on the Bear Trap with a 
 monkey wrench, and order was finally restored. 
 
 "Brudder Penstock," replied the President, "dis 
 cha r knows what taffy am. He has bin acquainted 
 wid de article for ober forty years. Dis chair kin 
 refer you to ober ten different species of de goods, 
 all warranted not to fade in de wash. If you kin 
 give dis Club de desired informashun axed fur a few 
 minits ago we ll take it; if not, you had better sot 
 down an git ready to sing alto wid de next song by 
 de Glee Club. 
 
 "NO OBJECTIONS." 
 
 The Committee on the Judiciary, to whom was re 
 ferred the subject of the Lesseps canal, with power 
 to send for persons and papers, reported as follows: 
 
 " Dis Committee didn t stop fur any fried clams 
 on de hull-shell, but went right to bizness. A butcher 
 on Woodward avenoo said he fought de canal should 
 be pushed right f rew, as it would lower de price of 
 lightnin -rods. One of de city Alderman said he 
 was opposed to it, as it would raise de price of rings. 
 A grocer on Michigan avenue said he didn t want to 
 give a decided opinyun, kase he spected to run fur 
 offis next year. A dry goods man said he was in 
 favor of all kinds of canals, kase dey made good 
 places to fish in. A hardware man said he couldn t 
 favor de Lesseps plan, kase his uncle was drowned 
 in a canal. A leadin clergyman likewise opposed it 
 for fear dat it would tempt boys to drown cats on 
 week days an go fishing on Sundays. A great many 
 people were spoken wid. Some were pro an some
 
 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 299 
 
 were con, but de majority favored de ideah. Dis 
 Committee also favors de ideah. It believes in en 
 couraging all public enterprises, from de building of 
 a steeple on a meetin house to de unitin of two 
 great oshuns by a canal full of water." 
 
 Col. Wallflower then offered a resolution to the 
 effect that the Club had no objection to the canal 
 going through, and the same was unanimously 
 adopted. 
 
 A DISAPPOINTEENT. 
 
 Col. Clawbone Fishback, a cultured and fluent 
 orator residing in Chattanooga, had agreed to be 
 present at this meeting and deliver his lecture on 
 " Why Do Our Toes Turn In? " but a telegram from 
 Cincinnati announced the fact that he had been 
 obliged to lay off there for a few days, to assist in 
 organizing a colored club to be known as " The Col 
 ored Parisians of America." 
 
 SUPPLY AND DEMAND. 
 
 The Committee on Supply and Demand announced 
 that they had made a thorough investigation of the 
 quantity of water in this country, including lakes, 
 rivers, creeks and ponds, and that they were con 
 vinced that there was no real necessity for any per 
 son economizing on his share. The supply would 
 permit each inhabitant the daily use of 150,000 gal 
 lons for the next seventy-five years, and at the end 
 of that period some cheap substitute would probably 
 be discovered. 
 
 THE JUDICIARY. 
 
 The Judiciary Committee announced that they 
 were compelled to report adversely on the petition of
 
 300 THE LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 fifty-six colored citizens of Indiana, asking the Club 
 to use its influence for the protection of coons and 
 possums of this country. While these two animals 
 did not rank as dangerous wild beasts, they could 
 not properly be classed as domestic or useful ani 
 mals, and nature must have expected them to get up 
 and dust and take care of themselves. Statistics 
 prove that both species were on the increase, and 
 this fact alone showed that there was no necessity 
 for the law to stretch forth its protecting arm and 
 say: " Touch not this coon." 
 
 INSTRUCTIONS. 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture were instructed to 
 investigate and report on the inquiry: " Was there 
 ever a race in this country which was subject to 
 spavins?" 
 
 The Janitor was warned against further use of the 
 Club s stove polish to shine his boots. 
 
 The Committee on Astronomy were requested to 
 investigate and report on the inquiry: What 
 would be the effect of 365 continuous dark nights?" 
 
 THE END. 
 
 "Gem len, in dissemblin to our homes," said the 
 President as time was up, "let us bear in mind de 
 fack dat blackberries doan ripen in winter. Ex 
 pect of de world only what de world expects of you. 
 Somebody wake up Elder Toots an put on his hat, 
 an den de meetin will stand upsot for one week."
 
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