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CRESTS AND MONOGRAMS ENGRAVED TO ORDER IN TEE BEST STYLE. 0:rr Otu Thousand differait Designs for Monograms to select f rem. Constantly on hand, for the convenience of parties wishing their Crests engraved, fairbainni ([ rciitii, and |iiirhc'!i j;ncniiapaulia of IliTaldrg, OR GENERAL ARMORY OF ENGLAND, SCOTLAND, AND IRELAND, Comprising a Registry of all Armonial Bearings, from the earliest to the present time, containing the Crests of over twenty -five hundred families. ^ ^i I. --^ /"""Si * 1^ ''■\^ -/TV (fk ' I LiMir ; ^ ri y-^ CAREFULLY SELECTED FROM THE MOST AUTHENTIC SOURCES WITH A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR &C, 'PLACE OF SMOLl-E E G IH B UHGH WILIjXAM p. KXMMG THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. CAMEFULLY SELECTED AND EDITED FROM THE BEST AUTHORITIES, WITH NUMEROUS ORIGINAL HISTORICAL NOTES AND A LIFE OF THE AUTHOB, By DAVID HERBERT, M.A. EDINBURaH: WILLIAM P. NIMMO. 1870. EDINBOBGH : T. CONSTABLE, PBINTEB TO THE QUEEN, AND TO THE UNIVEBSITT. Ar'.a to Lib. GIFT CONTENTS. PREFACE, LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT, PAGE 5 THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM, THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE, THE EXPEDITION OF HUMPHRY CLINKER, THE REGICIDE : A TRAGEDY, THE REPRISAL : A COMEDY, ^lass. 41 197 467 589 606 ADVICE : A SATIRE, .... REPROOF : A SATIRE, .... THE TEARS OF SCOTLAND, SONG : To fix her— 'tweee a task is vain, BURLESQUE ODE : A Pai^ody on Lord Lyttleton's Monody on the early Death OF HIS Wife, ODE TO MIRTH, . ODE TO SLEEP, . ODE TO PLUE-EYED ANN, ODE TO INDEPENDENCE, A FEW OTHER POEMS, including the Ode to Leven Water, are to be found IN their proper places as parts of the Story in one or other of the NoTi^els contained in this Volume. 616 618 620 620 621 621 021 621 622 560 PREFACE. Smollett was the first of the great Scottish novelists whoso works have been read and admired by an English, not to mention any Continental, public ; and the publica- tion of the first collected edition of his Novels was by a Scotchman. His Plays and Poems had, indeed, been issued in one duodecimo volume, in 1784, by Thomas Evans, bookseller in the Strand, with prefixed Memoirs of the Life and Writings of the Author ; but what have been called his Miscellaneous Worlcs— his Novels, Plays, and Poems- were first collected by Mr. David Kamsay, printer of the Edinburgh Evening Courant, and published in six vols. 8vo, in Edinburgh, in the year 1790. To this edition there ■was prefixed a very meagre Life of Smollett ; it had humorous frontispieces by Eow- landson, and it did not contain The Adventures of an Atom. It was another Scotchman in Scotland who made a collected edition of Smollett's Miscellaneous Works a demand in the Scottish and English bookselling market. This was Robert Anderson, M.D. ; and his edition is still the best that has been published, if attention to spelling, punctuation, and all the little things which are the only things in which an editor can respect the combined interests of the author and his readers, counts for much. Dr. Anderson had included Smollett's poetry in the Worlcs of the British Poets, in thirteen vols. Svo, published in 1795 ; and he edited, in 1796, the Miscel- laneous Worhs, comprehending all Smollett's plays, poems, and novels, with Memoirs of his Life and Writings, and this edition was published by James Mundell, printer to the University of Glasgow, in six vols, Svo. A second edition being found necessary, there was added to the collection, Smollett's Account of the Expedition to Garthagena in 1741. The sixth edition was published in 1820. At the time when Mr. Mundell published his edition under Dr. Anderson's direction, the love between Scottish and English book- sellers was even less than usual. There had been heart-burnings about the law of copy- right between the two countries. The depredations of Alexander Donaldson — of hos- pital fame — were hard to put up with ; and the one class were supposed to be Eng- lishmen, and the others were certainly Scotchmen : so a London edition was inevitable. And Dr. Moore— the good friend of Smollett, the father of the buried but never-dead hero of Corunna and other illustrious places, a novelist of some fame as the author of Zeluco, etc. — was both able and willing to supply a name that would buoy up the new edition. Accordingly there was no time lost. In 1797 appeared " The "Works of Tobias SmoUett, M.D., with Memoirs of his Life ; to which is prefixed a View of the Commencement and Progress of Romance, by John ]Moore, M.D. ; in eight vols. Svo." " This edition," says Dr. Anderson, " is valuable, as it has been the means of procuring for the public a short but faithful account of Smollett from the pen of Dr. Moore, who knew him well, and wrote from personal knowledge." The book was well got up in the matter of printing and binding ; but beyond this, it was a very careless piece of editorial work. The volume now ofi'ered to the public contains all of Smollett's works that have become classical, and more. The three novels are certainly English classics, but not the Plays, 6 PREFACE. nor all the Poems. It will be observed that tliere are a good many notes appended to the Memoirs of a Lady of Quality in Peregrine Piclk, and that the blanks left by Smollett are filled up, but still indicated by means of brackets. These notes have been brought together for the first time since the blanks left by Smollett awakened curiosity about them. Regarding the most important of them, there can be no doubt left in the mind after the evidence supplied in the notes. Where conjecture has been necessary, great care has been observed. Sometimes the editor has conjectured, but has left the name still blank as he found it. A few times he has ventured to fill up the blank upon conjecture ; the most obvious case being Dr. and Mrs. S — . The editor gives his reasons in a note. Should any one think that Dr. Smollett was himself the Dr. S — , it is sufficient to remark that there was no Mrs. Smollett for six or seven years after the events in which the editor supposes Dr. Smellie to have taken part. In the story of Mr. Mackercher, the blanks have been all filled up but one. And in Humphry Clinlccr, most of the blanks have been filled up, but, although the effort after accuracy has been no less diligent, very few notes are given. To the poems the present editor has not appended any notes. He has come under many obligations of gratitude during his researches. The heads and assistants of the Advocates', the Signet, the Philosophical Institution, and the University Libraries, deserve from him and many others more thanks than it is easy to put into words, for ungrudging and invariable kindness to constant visitors and ques- tioners who have no other claim on them than their own kindness and good-nature supply. The editor thanks them very earnestly. Several gentlemen of eminence whom the editor has been under a sort of necessity of putting to trouble in various ways, would be cordially thanked by name, if it were not for a fear, that their names would be of more credit to him than his work could be to them, and that such printed intimations of gratitude might be regarded as so many ad- vertisements. But one gentleman has been so unwearying in his kindness — simply from literary public spirit, for the editor was previously, and is, beyond the present work, quite un- known to him, — and has supplied so much information and so many valuable hints, that it would lessen the pleasure with which he ofiers the results of his labour to the public, if he were not allowed to mention his name. It is the learned and venerable James Maid- ment, Esq., Advocate. The editor had no clue to Mr. C — , "Mv. Christie, till Mr. Maid- ment supplied him with the note, to be read where he is first referred to. And in many other instances be was put upon the proper track of research byjthe information and sugges- tions which only such erudition, seeming boundless to a novice, and altogether excep- tional in its kind and extent, as the editor of Pasqxdls could supply. The results of the research expended on the notes certainly do not bulk large, and the editor hopes he will not be supposed in any way to overvalue them, but the labour has been such that he has often felt the wish that Horace Walpole, in his leisure as Lord Orford, had jotted down a few more of the names he could have remembered of people more or less mixed up with his notorious sister-in-law, Lady Orford. There would then have been fewer blanks still left to excite curiosity — not any deeper feeling — than the editor is sorry to count in the list of names he has not succeeded in identifying. LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. When, in the year 1721, Archibald Smollett's wife, Barbara, gave birth to tlie infant afterwards baptized Tobias George, Alexander Pope was thirty- three years of age ; Samuel Richardson, thirty-two ; Henry Fielding, fourteen ; Samuel Johnson, twelve ; and Laurence Sterne was eight. Oliver Goldsmith was born seven years later. Pope died in 1744, while Smollett, in his twenty- fourth year, was abroad, and two years before he published Advice, a Satire, in quarto. This first formal publication is usually called the beginning of a lite- rary career. But a literary career rather trying to the temper of Avilling or unwUling listeners, has generally been impetuously run by such youths, before they get the tremendously coveted opportunity of taking this final as well as first step. It was so with Smollett. He had quite recently written The Tears of Scotland — shed for the disasters occasioned by one member of the house of Stuart ; and he had Avritten, years before this. The Regicide, a tragedy about the murder of another member of the same plague-stricken house. But he mounted his literary platform too late to enjoy or resent the influence of Alexander Pope in the flesh. Smollett writes of Johnson as " that great Cham of literature," when he is using his good offices with John Wilkes to get Francis Barber, Johnson's negro servant, discharged from the navy — at the same time intimating of Johnson, that " He and I were never Cater-cousins." And Johnson lent the last touches to the Latin inscription on the memorial column erected in 1774, near the house in which Smollett was born. This inscription is styled by Sir Walter Scott "nervous and classical;" but most of us are content to read it in some " Life of Smollett." If any adventurous stickler is determined to read it on its original table of stone, he had better be careful to look to his feet. The filthy surroundings of this column, erected in honour of a man who would be an honour to any age or country, were, at least the other day, a reproach to the local authorities. Sterne calls SmoUett " the learned Smelfungus," and informs us, " I met Smelfungus in the grand portico of the Pantheon, — he was just coming out of it. ' 'Tis nothing hut a huge cock-jpit,' said he. I wish you had said nothing worse of the Venus of Medicis, replied I ; for in passing through Florence, I had heard he had fallen foul upon the goddess, and used her worse than a common strumpet, without the least provo- cation in nature. I popp'd upon Smelfungus again at Turin, in his return home, and a sad tale of sorrowful adventures he had to tell." But it is the other two stars of the first magnitude who complete the triad usually constel- 8 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. lated as Eichardson, Fielding, and Smollett. It is not at all likely that Richardson and Smollett would have much personal intercourse. Eichardson was a much older man than Smollett ; and Smollett, listen elsewhere and also to ^Matthew Bramble, would not readily affect the company on the only terms on which the other would probably afford it, of a man in business, who was- one of the many sons of an honest Derbyshire joiner. Dumbartonshire and other lairds, and their sons, and their grandsons, entertain some very foolish notions about things of this sort. So do a great many other people who are neither lairds nor lords. Smollett was one of them. Fielding is the foil traditionally used to set off the brilliancy of Smollett, or to hit off his de- ficiencies. Just as in our own day people Avho read to talk, or who talk and do not read, or who, if they read, certainly do not understand, set up Thackeray and Dickens for comparison, so it has always been one of the accomplishmenta of polite society to confuse the spheres of kindred stars. Thackeray and Dickens are as unlike as are the eras of Anne and Victoria. And almost as little are Fielding and Smollett to be compared to the advantage or disparage- ment of either. But Dr. !Moore, Dr. Anderson, and Sir Walter Scott, three of SmoUett's biographers in chief, have indulged in this species of adumbration, to the considerable confusion of both themselves and any of their readers who may happen to be in earnest. Thomas Eoscoe seems to have felt the guidance of a surer instinct of wisdom in biography. He does not compare Smollett and Fielding, nor does he contrast them, — which, by the way, is just another name for the same sort of thing in literature, — even though he hints a preference for this process. He says that Smollett " fills up the sjiace in prose fiction which Fielding left unoccupied ; for, widely opposed in genius as in their style, and their selection of characters, it has occurred to us that the preceding biographers of these two delightful -vvTiters — without excepting in some degree Sir "Walter Scott — have not shown a just discrimination in attempting to draw compari- sons between minds and productions so differently constructed, .... having frequently introduced the names of these JaciU princijyes of their o^vn order in juxtaposition, and with the view of comparison rather than contrast." Thomas Eoscoe is here, it is to be feared, raising a gentlemanly protest against one of those weaknesses of the human mind which have been anointed and enthroned as first principles, regulative canons, and primary laws of thought. One at a time for first-rate eminence, is the consecrated frailtj' in question. There is something conical in the mind of man. A broad base, narrowing upwards,, and ending in a single point, is its ideal of all things. One supreme — whether crowned head or first-fiddler. Our grand theories of causation, and our casual theories framed out of fancies believed to be facts, are all under the same con- trol The sugar-loaf head of Thersites was symbolic of the idtimate shape of the suppo.sed inside of heads, round enough or long enough in outward seeming. One at a time — ^be he Castor or Pollux, Fielding or Smollett, Thackeray or Dickens. Two at a time, equally brilliant, and each shining his own unbor- rowed light, is a possi]>ility foreclosed by certain innate ideas, aborigines of the reason, the final security of the understanding of man. Differing, therefore, as Thomas Eoscoe does from a great fashion of the universe, it is not to be LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. expected that he has finally disposed of the comparative merits of Fielding and Smollett. Smollett was of a Dumbartonshire family to be proud of — as such l^ride is wont to be waiTantcd ; and he Avas very proud of the fact. We are told that " from genealogical records preserved in the town archives, it appears that an ancestor of the name — also a Tobias, — so early as the fifteenth century, contracted marriage Avith a daughter of Sir Patrick Houston, who Avas master of a handsome property in the county of Eenfrew." This Dumbartonshire laird and his EenfrcAvshire lady seem to have had more than one descendant of the explosive turn of temper so notorious in the conduct of the novelist. An exploit of one of the Smollett family in the sixteenth century — 1588 — is thus recorded by MattheAV Bramble : — " Mull affords several bays, Avhere there is safe anchorage, in one of Avhich the Florida, a ship of the Spanish Armada> Avas bloAvn up by one of Mr. Smollett's ancestors. About forty years ago, John, Duke of Argyle, is said to have consulted the Spanish registers, by Avhich it appeared that this ship had the military chest on board. He emi)loyed ex- perienced divers to examine the wreck, and they found the hull of the A'cssel still entire, but so covered Avitli sand, that they could not make their Avay between decks ; however, they picked up several pieces of plate that Avere scattered about in the bay, and a couple of fine brass cannon." As in the tAvo preceding centuries we have found something to mention of a Smollett, so also in the seventeenth century we have the name of Sir James Smollett of Bonhill. This was the grandfather of the poet and novelist. He Avas one of the Scottish jiatriots Avho, in 1G88, risked his all for the Eevolu- tion, and all its concomitants and consequences. " So prominent AA^as he," Dr. Robert Chambers tells us, " among those who promoted the Eevolution, that the restored Earl of Argyle made him a deputy-lieutenant of his countj^, and King William knighted him ; although we learn from his own statement that he had, after all, some scruples about the neAV settlement, because, while King James had certainly done illegal things, ' the puir chylde, his son, Avas innocent : ' rather an unexpected trait of softness in the old Whig, though probably of little practical result." Sir James was a learned member of the Scottish bar. He Avas ajjpointed one of the Commissaries or Consistorial Judges of Edin- burgh. And later on in life, he was tied — unless, of course, during holidays — to Edinburgh, in the discharge of the duties of this office, in Avhich he had to exercise judicial functions regarding all manner of doubts and difficulties of a matrimonial sort. He had represented since 1685 the burgh of Dumbarton in the Scottish Parliament, and he av.os one of the Commissioners for framing the Treaty of Union, and as such he assisted in demolishing for ever one of the most formidable of the Border boundaries betAveen England and Scotland. Sir James Smollett's first wife, a daughter of Mr. Aulay Macaulay of Ardin- caple, " heritable bailie of the Lennox," presented him with four sons and tAvo daughters. Of the sons Ave are told that, according to a custom of the Scottish gentry of that period. Sir James sent them all to the University of Leyden. This is an ascertained fact regarding the three youngest at all events. The eldest, Tobias, died a young man, but had lived to be a captain in Lord Strathmore's regiment, provost of Dumbarton, and sheriff of Dumbartonshire. lo LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. The next two, James and George, having been educated at Leyden, qualified for the Scotch bar. James succeeded his father in the Commissary judgeship, and Greorge succeeded James in the same office. The fourth son, Archibald, -was, partly from delicate health, and partly from the waywardness of elegant tastes, bred to no profession ; and he was the father of Tobias George, the Smollett of the eighteenth century. This Archibald seems to have been such a youth as is often to be encountered in fomilies similarly circumstanced in point of social position and wealth with that of Sir James Smollett. He, delicate in health, but by no means disabled, seems to have preferred elegance to industrj', and, as such young gentlemen are wont, to have had little or no just estimate of the only reliable source of the supply of certain grossly material results of such a plebeian thing as industry. Compelled by an ague to return from Leyden, he forth^\'ith married, Avithout his father's consent, Barbara Cunning- ham, a daughter of Mr. Cunningham of Gilbertfield, in the county of Lanark, and near Glasgow. This was not the first alliance between those two families. They had met in matrimonial contact a century before. Dr. Anderson, with his usual care, informs us in a note that Gilbertfield was " the celebrated resi- dence of Lieutenant "William Hamilton, the poetical friend and correspondent of Allan Eamsay." This marriage seems to have been a case of like drawing to like a little too much. The lady, like the gentleman, possessed ■odt, taste, and a sense of elegance in general ; and, unfortunately, like him, negatively as well as positively, she was not at all oppressed with hard cash. Sir James Smollett, however, was a sensible man. Although it is not improbable that he felt annoyed, and looked offended, j'et he behaved on this occasion, so trying to a stem parent's temper — not like Roderick Random's grandfather. There were, of course, redeeming circumstances. There was the position of the ladj-'s family. There were her acknowledged abilities and accomplishments. So the worthy knight settled on his son the liferent of the house and farm of Dalquhurn, on the banks of the Leven. The vicinity of this house to his o'OTi house of Bonhill seems to indicate that the veteran lawyer and Whig had no objections to their company; and the settlement so made, together Anth a moderate annuity, supplied the lovers in their wedlock with a yearly income of about three hundred pounds. The first child of Archibald Smollett and his wife Barbara was James, named after his paternal grandfather. This son took to the army by and bye, attained tiie rank of captain, and was lost off the coast of America, along "with a number of his men, when the transport in which they were being conveyed abroad went down. Dr. Moore says, "I have often heard him spoken of as a young man of distinguished spirit, and of an excellent character ; the Doctor never mentioned him but in the most affectionate terms." The second child was a daughter, named Jane after her paternal grandmother, Sir James's first wife. The third child was our literary hero ; and shortly after his birth, Archibald Smollett died, and left a widow and three children — not impotently soliciting our pity. The grandfather was reasonably kind while he lived. The M-idow seems to have been a clever, managing Avoman ; and there was nothing in the subsequent lot of the children greatly to be commiserated. Captain James Smollett died on duty like a LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. soldier. Jane, the daugliter, was one of the most fortunate ladies of her day — as such things are measured even by people much given to pitying widows and orphans. She "married in 1739 " — Dr. Anderson is now being quoted — "Alexander Telfer, Esq., a man of considerable fortune. He was at that time lessee of the mines at "Wanlockhead, and resided many years at Leadhills in Lanarkshire. He afterwards purchased the estates of Scotston in Peebles- shire, and Symington in Lanarkshire, and died in 1760, leaving three sons, Alexander, James, and Archibald, and one daughter, Jane. Mrs. Telfer was a woman of admirable good sense, and highly esteemed. Upon the death of her cousin, James Smollett, Esq. of Bonhill, one of the Commissaries of Edin- burgh, in 1776, she succeeded to the family estate of Bonhill, of about one thousand pounds a year ; for which it was necessary for her to resume her maiden name of Smollett, and died in 1789, in the seventieth year of her age. Her eldest son, Alexander Telfer, Esq. of Symington, succeeded to the estate at BonhUl, and assumed the name of Smollett. He married Miss Eenton, daughter of John Eenton, Esq. of Blackadder, in Berwickshire, and niece of the late Earl of Eglinton, and died in 1799, leaving two sons, Alexander and John, and six daughters. His eldest son, Alexander, a lieutenant-colonel in the army, and member of Parliament for the county of Dumbarton, succeeded to the family estates of Sjonington and Bonhill (his father had sold the estate of Scotston some time before), of about sixteen hundred pounds a year, and was killed at the battle of Alkmaar, in Holland, in 1799. His brother, John Smollett, Esq., is the representative of the family." Such was the full state- ment of the case when Dr. Anderson wrote. It needs only to be added that the John last mentioned was a rear-admiral in the royal navy ; and that he married, in 1800, as his second wife, Elizabeth, the second daughter of the Hon. Patrick Boyle, second son of John, second Earl of Glasgow; and he having died in 1842, that their eldest son, Alexander Smollett, Esq. of Bon- hill, at present represents the family in the direct line from Archibald, the fourth son of the doughty Sir James. This ultimate possession of his property by Ai'chibald's family was more than even the sagacious Eevolution patriot either foresaAV or provided for. To quote Dr. Eobert Chambers — "In 1721, having occasion to arrange his family affairs, he settled his estate in entail on James Smollett, the son of his now deceased second son James ; failing this young person and his direct heirs, it was destined to go, not to Sir James's third son, George, who survived under pecuniary difficulties (he had at one time possessed the estate of Ingliston in ]\Iidlothian, but had fallen into hopeless embarrass- ments), but to George's son, another James ; and these two Jameses, cousins- german, actujally inherited in succession — the second succeeding to the first in 1738, and enjoying it till his death in 1775. Of the unfortunate Archibald and his progeny Sir James took no notice in this deed ; neither did he ever make any formal arrangement in their behalf. The three orphans remained in dependency, first upon his bounty, and afterwards upon that of his heirs," — till the whole of the property fell into the hands of the one girl, the least likely inheritor, as such wisdom as guided Sir James's will would hold as an axiom. Thufj did the imprudent love-marriage provide for the continuance of the 12 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. estates in tlie family, and for the inheritance of the honoui-s of the name Smollett. The offspring of that mairiage not only preserved the name from extinction, and its honours from irredeemable dimness, but it rumoured the name away up among the stars, where it was listened to, and received and retained with ingenuous regard ; and whence it has been echoed with earnest admiration, and will be echoed again till ages of ages. It is true. Sir James Smollett died without making any provision for the children of his son Archi- bald ; but this was when Archibald's second son, and youngest chUd, was ten years of age, and after, we have no reason to doubt, a reasonable amount of kindness had been shown the family. It seems to, be, therefore, equally true that there was nothing in the conduct of the old gentleman to warrant us to believe that anything but a grievous wrong was done to him, when he was pilloried to posterity by his irritable grandson as guilty of all the enormities of the ungenerous old judge in Boderkk Random. It was in the old house of Dalquhurn, in the parish of Cardross, near the village of Kenton, erected since then on part of the farm liferented by gift to his father, and in the year 1721, that the subject of this slight narrative was bom. The birthday is not on any record that is known ; but the day of his baptism is thus to be read on the parish register of Cardross : — " March 1 9, 1721, Tobias George, son to Mr. Ard. Smollett and Barbara Cunningham, was baptized." On this, Dr. Robert Chambers makes the remark, not more shrewd than interesting in the light of this infant's subsequent career in England, that "the 19th March 1721 being a Sun'day, it may be inferred that the baptism took place, in the old Scottish fashion, in the parish church." Where else should the very dependent grandson of Sir James Smollett — worldly and other- worldly, strict in his attention to all the proprieties, religious and revolutionary', of the time, an elder of the Kirk and a member of the Assembly — be baptized"? The surroundings of the old house of DalquhurJi seem to have been very romantic in the first quarter of the eighteenth cei^turj^, when George i. was king. They supplied the earlier biographers — especially Dr. Moore, whose life, at this stage, is about Dr. Smollett, and as many other people and places as he could find and find room for — with some rather superfine padding, to relieve the tedium of stating facts. The passage in praise of the Vale of Leven quoted hereabouts by Anderson, Scott, and R&scoe (Dr. Moore quotes lines of his own in praise of the Clyde), can be read in its proper con- nexion in Humphry Clinker. As we look at the place in our own day, we can only feel what a wonderful thing is the progress of civilisation! and how effectually it can improve all sorts of beauty into " extensive ble'jicheries," and other less romantic sounds, and sights, and smells ! Innumerable drudges in the dirt and tourists through the smoke can testify, that now at length civilisation has — short only of pulling down Ben Lomond to fill u;p the Loch and utilize the quondam bed of the consequently obsolete LevenA — done its best and wisest to leave the old romance and beauty *' Fallen, and diflFused into a shapeless heap." ] The Dumbarton Grammar School was taught by a mighty schoolmaster of great renown when Smollett was a boy. ^Mr. John Love, eminent \ teacher, LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 13 good scholar, and excellent man, was a native of the burgli. Born in Dum- barton in 1695, and an alumnus of Glasgow University, he was appointed master of the Grammar School of his native town in 1720 — the year before Smollett was born. He went to the High School of Edinburgh in 1735, and thence to the Grammar School of Dalkeith in 1739. He died at Dalkeith in 1750. He wrote " Animadversions on the Latin Grammar lately published by Mr. Eobert Trotter, schoolmaster at Dumfries ;" and to this work the colossal Euddiman, Avhose shadow enlarges as it recedes, appended " A Dissertation upon the way of Teaching of the Latin Language." Mr. Love wrote also " A Vindication of Mr. George Buchanan," against his friend Ruddiman, whose political principles seemed to involve certain prejudices against that earlier and greater Latinist than himself. Euddiman, in reply, came out with " Animad- versions, etc." When Mr. Love died, Euddiman was, as was to be expected, magnanimous enough to Avrite of his friend and antagonist in the Caledonian Mercury, September 24th, 1750 : — "For his uncommon knowledge in classical learning, his indefatigable diligence, and strictness of discipline without severity, he was justly accounted one of the most sufficient masters in this country." Such was Smollett's schoolmaster. And of his care and efficiency as a teacher Smollett is a testimony continued on in time long after the good man's name had been all but forgotten. Smollett's command of the Latin language, and his familiarity with that round of facts, fancies, and fables, usually styled classical learning, almost obtrude themselves on every reader of his works — witness, for exiimple, his Feast after the Manner of the Ancients in Peregrine PicJcle. Dr. Moore records regarding this period : — " The first sprouts of Smollett's poetical genius appeared while he was at the Grammar School of Dumbarton, as I was informed by an old schoolfellow of his. They were verses to the memory of Wallace, of whom he became an early admirer, from the popular stories current in that part of the country, and also from the perusal of Blind Harry's translation of the Latin poems of Eobert Blair, chaplain to Sir Willicim Wallace, entitled Gesta Willelmi Wallas, and De Lihcrata Tyrannide Scotia." George Buchanan was born in the Lennox, on the banks of the Blane, in the parish of Killearn, near Lochlomond, where a monument has been erected — not to perpetuate his memory, which needs no such prop in stone and lime, but to record the peoi^le's feelings of some sort of pride, and especially to attract the honour that is so largely available from such an acci- dent as the place of a great man's birth. The great historian is supposed to have attended the same grammar school as Smollett — the same, that is, in the only sense in which such identity is possible, as that Smollett's school inherited the traditions of Buchanan's. Buchanan's Bcrum Scoticarum Historia seems to have been used by Mr. Love as a text-book — a sensible procedure. And in it, no doubt, our young poet read the touching story of the murder of James I. at Perth, Avliich he re-embodied in his unlucky tragedy, The Begicide : a tragedy of which it may safely be said that it was a noticeable production for a youth of eighteen. One other little item regarding the Dumbarton school-days is, that, in addition to the wholesome birch, schoolboys of the period were ex- posed to the lash of Tobias George Smollett's satirical propensities. One says 14 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. that these intensifications of the companionship of the birch were directed against " the more heartless and stupid of his schoolfellows ; " another says, that he selected those for satiric distinction "whose character and conduct disgusted him." Dr. Moore wordily writes, regarding a period a little later : " He began to direct the edge of his boyish satire against such green and scanty shoots of aflfectation and ridicule as the soil produced." There cannot be a doubt of the fact. Such talent for satire as grew to rank luxuriance in Smollett, poet and novelist, buds always early. The only hesitation one feels regarding the fact as stated, relates to the selection of objects to satirize. Most probably no good reason coidd be found in either the dispositions or the doings of many of the hobble-de-hoys who were victimized. Satirists bom, not made, in the days of their youth, and later on, are not always just in their natural selection. The temper of Tobias Smollett, boy and man, must not be left out of the reckoning. From Grammar School to College is now, and was in the thirties of last cen- tury's age, a course prescribed by custom, fashion, or compulsion to aimless as well as to ambitious young gentlemen. Toby Smollett seems to have been of the former description at this stage of his career. Short views of life, cursory glances at surroundings, and no thought of to-morrow, seem to have been the laddish philosophy which he illustrated, but did not think. He went to Glasgow College, and if he had any ill-defined feeling about a career, it was to be a soldier, like his brother James. But his cousin James — not his grand- father, as all the earlier biographers have written — " thought he should be able to promote their advancement more effectually in separate professions than in the same." This was something more handsome than Roderick Random's cousin ever got or deserved credit for. In Glasgow, an intimacy with some students of medicine — an intimacy which might have been calculated upon, for medical students, rather than nondescripts or students of law or theology, attract such geniuses as Smollett at college — was the slight influence which shaped several of the shuntings in the subsequent career of our hero, who is not a doctor, but a poet and novelist. Ardent natures like his are influenced by evanescent motives ; and he, because his companions were going to be medical men, and from no liking either for the profession or for the preparatory studies which qualify for it, resolved to join their classes. James Smollett, his cousin, then Esquire of Bonhill, had had some business acquaintance with Mr. John Gordon, a worthy medical practitioner and apothecary in Glasgow. Through this influence the Smollett of all the ages got behind the apothecary's counter as an apprentice, at the time he was attending classes for Latin, Greek, Mathe- matics, and, later on, Anatomy and Medicine in the College. Between the counter and the classes he picked up sufficient knowledge to pass some such examination as he exaggerates so notoriously in Rodcricic Banclom. It is diffi- cult for us to understand, in these days of preliminary examinations on subjects not medical at all, and professional examinations for all the mysteries of the double qualification — the licenses of the College of Surgeons and of the College of Physicians — and the B.M., in advance of the M.D., how his knowledge was acquired. But it sufficed. And the principal result of the studies has been the LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 15 creation in literature of his sailor-characters, Bowling, Trunnion, Hatchway, Pipes, Crowe, and others of less prominence. For he never could have mentally be- gotten these immortals, had he not been qualified for medical practice at sea. Mr. Gordon seems to have unconsciously stood or sat to the young artist for his Potion. Such youthful wielders of the Aveapons of creative and inventive genius are not hard to please Avitli raw materials. There never was a luckier encounter between a respectable man and a genius — luckier, that is, for the respectable man. Mr. Gordon has lived in Potion by contrast. He seems as certainly to have stood for Potion as that Potion was utterly unlike him. Dr. Moore is a bit touchy on this point. He wants to defend Mr. Gordon. He reasons gravely on the general question of Smollett's identity with Roderick Eandom, to prepare a general defence of Dr. Gordon. Thus : — " The father of Random, for example, is met by his son in the Spanish West Indies, The father of Smollett died before the latter left Scotland. Random is the only child of his parents. Smollett had a brother and sister. The mother of Random has a brother who is a lieutenant in the navy, one of the most distin- guished characters in the work. Smollett had no uncle in the navy." And he goes on to tell us, that Smollett himself regretted the application of Potion's character to Gordon ; and, no doubt, he felt very satirical on the stupidities who did not notice the fine distinctions given by Moore. It might have been added, in the same line, what Dr. Robert Chambers has pointed out, that " he does not even represent Potion as his master, but only as an apothecary with whom he was boarded while at college, and who turned him away on finding that the payment of his board was not likely to be forthcoming." Dr. Gordon may have been as unHke Potion as extra-superfine paper is unlike the rags from which it is made. But the defence of Smollett from satirizing his master seems altogether an afterthought. The rags may have been made out of the super- fine paper. Such geniuses as Smollett can do greater wonders than that in the way of working up raw materials to create characters. John Gordon was a sagacious man. Only such a man could have occasioned the following capital anecdote, told by Sir Walter Scott : — " It is said that his master ex- pressed his conviction of Smollett's future eminence in very homely but ex- pressive terms, when some of his neighbours Avere boasting of the superior decorum and propriety of their young pupils. ' It may be all very true,' said the keen-sighted Mr. Gordon ; ' but give me, before them all, my own bubbly- nosed caUant, with the stane in his pouch.' Without attempting to render this into English, our Southern readers must be informed that the words contain a faithful sketch of a negligent, unlucky, but spirited urchin, never without some mischievous prank in his head, and a stone in his pocket ready to execute it." Dr. John Gordon rose to eminence. Thirty years later, Matthew Bramble, in Humj^hry Clinlcer, Avrites of the same gentleman, no longer an apothecary, but now an eminent consulting physician and more : — " I was introduced to Mr. Gordon, a patriot of a tmly noble spirit, who is father of the hnen manufac- tory in that place, and was the great promoter of the city workhouse, infirmary, and other works of public utihty. Had he lived in ancient Rome, he would have been honoured with a statue at the public expense." l6 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. Dr. Moore tells the following story, and it is all the more precious, that, while there are echoes innumerable of the quips and cranks of a poetical plague, and ridiculous limb of the ancient mischief-maker, this is the only one preserved and verified : — " On a Avinter evening, Avhen the streets were covered ■with snow, Smollett happened to bo engaged in a snow-ball fight with a few boys of his own age. Among his associates was the apprentice of that surgeon who is supposed to have been delineated under the name of Crab in Roderick Pian- dom. He entered his shop while his apprentice was in the heat of the engage- ment. On the return of the latter, the master remonstrated with him severely for his negligence in quitting the shop. The youth excused himself by saying, that while he was employed in making up a prescription, a fellow hit him with a snow-ball in the teeth, and that he had been in pursuit of the delinquent. * A mighty probable story, trul)^ ! ' said the master, in an ironical tone. ' I wonder how long I should stand here,' added he, * before it would enter into mortal man's head to throw a snow-ball at me.' While he was holding his head erect, with a most scornful air, he received a very severe blow in the face by a snow-ball. Smollett, who stood concealed beliind the pillar at the shop- door, had heard the dialogue, and perceiving that his companion was puzzled for an answer, he extricated him by a repartee equally smart and a projws." In 1738 circumstances and Tobias George Smollett began to sliape and group for the future. Captain James Smollett died that year. The four biographers — the harmonious four, Moore, Anderson, Scott, and Roscoe — all tell us, or rather one of them writes and the other three repeat, that Sir James Smollett died then. Sir James had been dead seven years. In 1739 Miss Smollett became Mrs. Telfer. Her mother went to live with her, first at Leadhills, and afterwards at Scotston and Edinburgh. Brother James was with his regiment; and our Smollett's apprenticeship was finished, along with his University course of anatomy and medicine ; and he Avas nineteen years of age, and had written a tragedy. Another cousin was now James Smollett, Esq. of Bonhill. Tlie Captain had not left the widow and three orphans out of his scheme of bounty and outlay during his seven years' career as the laird. An incidental confirmation of this is supplied by what Dr. Robert Chambers gives us from the "Family Papers in Cameron House." " We find," says this latest and best biographer of Smollett, *' in a scheme of the income and expenditure of 'Captain James Smollett' of Bonhill, in 1735, that a regular sum was set aside for the support of Archibald Smollett's two younger children, ' until they are twelve years old,' namely 400 merks, which assumes, in English sterling money, the form of £22, 4s. 5d. A small matter, it will be thought — and truly so — and yet, perhaps, not quite contemptible relatively to the means and needs of that poor and frugal time. The provision for Sir James's dowager — step-grandmother of the novelist " (erst Elizabeth Hamilton of Orbieston) — "was but twice the sum, £44, 8s. lOd." At nineteen years of age, with little money; a large, he calls it 'pro- digious,' allowance of letters of introduction, and, no doubt, recommendation ; a mind well informed ; a vein of humour richer than that the Rev. Sydney Smith carried south later on ; a fancy or imagination fully as natural as it was nice ; LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 17 a handsome person, an engaging address, and a tragedy, our Smollett — after some such procedure as is exaggerated, to suit the tastes of our mothers and fathers, in Eodcrich Random — set up his gods in London, and began to look out for employment in the army, in the navy, as a doctor, as an author, or in any other gentlemanly Avay of toiling to the sweat of his brow or of his brain ; but before and above all, he wanted to see his tragedy on the stage of Drury Lane or Covent Garden. The history of that terrible tragedy may be read in the story of Melopoyn in Eoderich Random, and in the puling Preface he wrote to it Avhen he published it by subscription, after he had been ac- cepted by a public as one of its accredited entertainers, and, to be sure, instructors. Indeed, it was a thrice-told tale. But " Gosling Scrag," the ill- used Lord Lyttleton, who had gone too far and not far enough in patronizing this ardent and irritable Scotch gentleman at the end of his teens, disappeared from the second edition of Peregrine Pickle. The truth of the matter has been long admitted. It is simply, that The Regicide, a Tragedy, is a very laddish production, and Tobias George Smollett did not think so, as neither did a lot of friends and flatterers, including " a humane lady of qiuality " — this could not be the " Lady of Quality," could it 1— but that Lacy, Garrick, Lyttleton, and others, who were to be pestered into being patrons, were quite well aware of the fact. The only wonder is, that Smollett, after he had written Roderick Random, had not acquired that degree of knowledge of the tragic art which would have condemned the Preface at least. But years and literary work supplied critical knowledge, and he was sorry for the Preface and less proud of the tearful production by and bye. Smollett's apprenticeship to literature was to last a few years longer. His pen required suppling. His career was being shaped, but not by him, as it never has been by any one whose literary career has found an account of itself in the records of the ages. Our youth had to be sent to sea. He had to learn there to create sailors, who have been models ever since for all sailors of literature, stage, and song. " Tom Bowling" was Roderick Random's uncle, and now that " he 's gone aloft," he can look down upon a brood more numerous, to use an Oriental exaggeration, than the sands in the sea he loved so well. Accordingly Tobias entered on board the Cumberland, one of the largest ships of the fleet which sailed in 1740 under Sir Chaloner Ogle, to join in the unfor- tuneite expedition to Carthagena, under Admiral Vernon and General Went- worth, in 1741. Smollett carved his name on the timber of the Cumberland, and he wrote an account of the expedition. " From the acuteness of observa- tion," says the fondly admiring Moore, " and depth of reflection that appeared in this performance, many were of opinion that it would have been fortunate if, instead of assisting a surgeon, he had had some share in conducting the expedition, and that some of those who conducted the expedition had been employed in the cock-pit. A sketch of this was published in the Adventures of Roderick Random, and afterwards a more circumstantial account in a com- pendium of voyages in seven volum.cs, 1 2mo." But Smollett was not born to ■call any man master. And he certainly was not of a temper to endure the worse than brutal treatment to which many of the fine old tars of the jolly times i8 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. agone, reduced such a landscum as educated gentlemen whose office it was, to lessen their sufferings in many other ways than by lopping off their limbs. An exaggerated but instructive account of conduct not uncommon in his time, and before and since, but which we find very considerably modi- fied now-a-days, — thanks to the influence of Smollett, and other rulers and bene- factors of the nation, — is served up to us in Roderick Random. Our spirited assistant-surgeon dismissed his naval employers in the West Indies. He did not come straiglit home, but continued for some time in Jamaica, where he encountered another of the hurried throng of circumstances which controlled him, and which he has»so wittily and wisely controlled for our learning and hi& country's literature. This particular circumstance was Anne Lascelles, a beau- tiful woman, very much disposed to be a fine lady, with whom he took up house in London two or three years afterwards. Besides this, we know nothing of Smollett's West Indian adventures in the island of Jamaica, being,, as he was, disgusted and done with actual service in the nav}'. Most likely a constant flutter, moth-like, auear the charms of Miss Las- celles, kept him out of noteworthy adventures. Dr. Robert Chambers's un- successful attempt to fill up this blank in Smollett's biography with a vague guess at one solitary fact, viz., that Mr. Thomas Bontein, a second cousin to Smollett, who was at that time in Jamaica, would probably be friendly to- the youth, is one of those knowing and showy feats of research which decoy and damage excellent and honourable biographers, studious of facts and fame. The next recorded appearance of Smollett is in London, at the beginning of the year 1744, when and where he was at war with his destiny in trying to set up and settle down as a London medical practitioner. Here Dr. Cham- bers's successful research is gladly recognised, who says : — " He himself gives us a peep into his circumstances at this time, by a letter he addressed, May 22, 1744, to a Glasgow friend named Barclay, regarding a mutual college acquaintance of the name of Ritchie, who had recently died. After some rather extravagant lamentations over Ritchie, he says : — ' As for the particu- lars you expect from me, you must wait until I shall be better informed my- self; for, to tell you an extraordinary truth, I do not know as yet whether you had better congratulate or condole with me. I wish I was near you, that I might pour forth my heart before you, and make you judge of its dictates, and the several steps I have lately taken ; in which case I am confident you and all honest men would acquit my principles, however my prudentials might be condemned. However, I have moved into the house where the late John Douglas, surgeon, died, and you may henceforth direct for Mr. Smollett, surgeon, in Downing Street, West(minster).' Then casting aside both his grief for Ritchie and anxieties about the future, he adds a gay postscript that Willie Wood is just now drinking a glass with him, and desires to have his compliments presented to Miss Becky Bogle." In biography, as in the sciences, facts are light, and this letter is luminous. If he ever paid the rent for this house in Downing Street, it is to be feared the money did not come to him in the shape of professional fees. He Avas now in the midst of all the fears and false alarms regarding Prince Charlie and the Highland chiefs on the LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 19 one side, and Sir Jolin Cope, General Hawley, and the Duke of Cumberland, on the other. 1746 was a busy year for judges, juries, hangmen, headsmen, and Smollett. It Avas in this year that he wrote The, Tears of Scotland. About this poem Sir Walter Scott has sujiplicd the following piece of in- teresting information, put on record by Eobert Graham, Esq. of Gartmore, a friend of Smollett, who, according to Dr. Eobert Chambers, received it from one of the gentlemen present, but whom Sir T\'alter Scott evidently under- stands to have been the gentleman present, as we infer from his parenthesis : — " Some gentlemen having met at a tavern, were amusing themselves before supper with a game at cards ; Avhile Smollett, not choosing to play, sat down to write. One of the company, who also was nominated by him one of his trustees (Gartmore himself), observing his earnestness, and supposing he was writing verses, asked him if it was not so. He accordingly read them the first sketch of his Tears of Scotland, consisting only of six stanzas ; and on their remarking that the termination of the poem, being too strongly expressed, might give oj0fence to persons whose political opinions were different, he sat down, without reply, and, with an air of great indignation, subjoined the con- cluding stanza : — ' While tlie warm blood bedews my veins, And iinimpair'd remembrance reigns, Resentment of my country's fate AVitbin my filial breast shall beat. Yes, spite of thine insulting foe, My sympathizing verse shall flow. Mourn, hapless Caledonia, mourn. Thy banish'd peace, thy laurels torn ! ' " This little picture is so full of conviviality, patriotism, valour, and vanity, that one lingers over it — it is so human, and so like a fledgeling jpoet ! In the August of this year, the very month in which Lords Kilmarnock and Balmerino were led to the block, Smollett published Advice, a Satire, at a. shilling a copy. It came out pamphlet-wise. A sequel to this poem was pub- lished a few months after, in the beginning of the year 1747. As to their success there is this fact to be noted, whatever it may be worth, — that a new edition of Advice and Reproof, two Satires, was printed in quarto, in 1748. The structure and the satire of these poems is in the style of the period. The satirist avenges himself, whether he eases himself or not, of his adver- saries, and, of course, his country's adversaries, since he was the author who had tapped in rather stilted verse. The Tears of Scotland. Dr. Anderson's little bit of narrative regarding one or two facts related ta the satires, sheds a steady light on Smollett, quarrelling of course, and his sur- roundings, including Handel, at this time, and it is appropriated here with thanks : — " Soon after the appearance of this satire {Advice), he wrote for ^Mr. Eich, at that time manager of the Covent Garden Theatre, an opera, entitled Alceste ; but a dispute taking place between the author and the manager, it was never acted nor printed. The music to this opera was composed by Handel, who, finding that no use was intended to be made of it, afterwards adapted it to Dryden's ' Ode for St. Cecilia's Day.' About the beginning of 20 UFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. the year 1747, he pubHshed his Reproof , a Satire, in quarto, a second part of the former, and written with equal energy of expression and acrimony of cen- sure. His recent quarrel with Mr. Eich obtained for him the distinction of being mentioned for his peculiar excellence in the composition of those per- formances which demand show and expense : — ' Fraught with the spirit of a Gothic mouk. Let llich, with clulness and devotion drunk, Enjoy the peal, so barbarous and loud. While his brain spews new monsters on the crowd.' Mr. Eich had felt the shafts of Pope's satire before (in the Dunciod), and was not of a temper to be much distui-bed by Smollett's vengeance, which only injui-ed himself, as it procured liim the enmity of a manager of one of the theatres, at a time when his friends were using their influence to get his tragedy acted, when he was yet unknown in the town, and when his pecuniary resources were very slender," Such is the wisdom of genius born with a bad temper. At the same time, it is not to be overlooked that all this preliminary skirmishing with a limited number of people in London, was preparing for the subduing of a larger public, in and out of London, to the obedience of belief in his powers, when he advanced with all his available force as Roderick Eandom. Much folly, and a great deal of recldess self-obtrusion, are recorded in the indenture of the apprenticeship of genius, during which the heavenly thing bungles idioti- cally, and slowly learns control. Men of Smollett's disposition, or, as he Avould call it, complexion, many — young if they can, and often when they ought not. He was now of the ripe age of twenty-six. At this age young men live under the delusion that they are rather knowing in the matter of wisdom. In about as many more years, if they live, they begin to correct that mistake. Anne Lascelles was in pos- session of " the expectation of a fortune of three thousand poimds in West Indian property." Smollett's latest biographer gives the details. "Miss Lascelles's property consisted of certain houses in Kingston, and a few lots of the neighbouring land, yielding in all about £300 ' currency ' per annum." The " West Indian property " included also some live stock of humanity ; for we are told, "In 1756, Smollett is found giving orders to 'Tom Bontein' to * sell our niggers in the West Indies.'" Dr. Anderson asserts that the marriage ceremony Avas performed in Loudon. Dr. Chambers says : " The matrimonial life of Smollett commenced in 1747, Avhcn he was twenty -six years of age. Whether he had wedded Miss Lascelles in the AVest Indies three or four years previously, or accomplished his union with her now, cannot be determined. It is tolerably certain that only now did the i)air commence living as man and wife in London." They had an only child, a daughter ; and it need not startle us to hear that there was no excess of conjugal felicity. There seldom is witli such natures as Smollett's, and there never is when the woman is fooHsh enough to affect being fine. Besides, such carnal considerations as expectations being fulfilled or falling through, are apt to exert their earthly influence; and, "instead of an expected fortune of X3000, he gained by this connexion only a law-suit, and increased the expense of housekeeping, which he was still less able to LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. afford, and was again obliged to hare recourse to his literary talents," -writes Sir Walter Scott. It "was all for good — our good, at all events. The, Adventures of Roderich Random, written autobiographicallj^, that is, as if the hero recorded his own adventures, was the result of the necessity that was now laid upon our litUratcur. It was published in January 1748. In addition to the need of money, no doubt the loyal wish to look large in his pretty wife's eyes would give him ample motive to keep close at his desk or table during his marriage year. Smollett's name was not on the title-page of the first edition, published "in two pocket volumes, at six shillings, by Osborn of Gray's Inn Lane, the identical bookseller whom Johnson had some time before knocked down for being ' impertinent ' to him. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu thought it must be by Fielding, then the greatest composer of fiction in England." He got a little money in hand for his labour over this book, and he acquired that peculiar species of fame or credit which is the lot of the writers of successful books, and which is intimately allied to credit in money or money's worth. The doctor was now getting independent of medical practice, or rather of medical fees. Smollett, in the Preface to Roderich Random, writes about " Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his Adventures of Gil Bias, has described the knavery and foibles of life with infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking the liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution, where I thought his particular situations were uncommon, extrava- gant, or peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Bias are, for the most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion : he himself laughs at them ; and his transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with afiiiction. This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from probability, but prevents that generous indignation which ought to animate the reader against the sordid and vicious disposition of the world." In these high-flown words we have the author's authority for the model, and a little of what he thought of the mould, of his novel. It would not be easy to read this work aloud now-a-days to our wives, — utterly impossible to our sisters and daughters. It was different in those days. The pure and spiritually- minded Mary Granville, Mrs. Delany, the wife of Dr. Delany, a Dean of the Irish Church, writes in August 1750, "I have read, or rather heard read, The Man of Honour, Roderich Random, and The Sieges of Drogheda and Derry." The Eev. Dean was in the habit of reading aloud to his excellent wife. Manners are changed ; and as manners have a somewhat parental relation to morals, we think ourselves morally a great deal better than our great-grandmothers. We are differ- ent. Eeading had not then, and has not now, everything to do with our conduct. It is a portion of our conduct ; and the springs and guides of conduct are before and beyond the books we read. Books and preachers are admired on the funda- mental principle of weathercocks. These show how the wind blows. Those point our bias. Nobody can suffer much harm in the long-run from truth. Human nature has a surprising facihty of reconciling happiness with truth — when it has a chance. Nobody coming within any reasonable reach of Smollett's public, will ever suffer moral taint from Roderick Random. If any one does, or says LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. he does, he tells tales about more than the book. Winifred Jenkins would not go near the lion after she was told that it roared tremendously at maidens who might have been misbehaving themselves at some time or other. There is a sort of cant use of the word realism in our day. Baron Bunsen in his Introduction to Soil und Hahen — Debit and Credit — gave the word such an impetus, it has been, like a swallow in the dusk, darting about from pens and tongues ever since. Eealism in literature is, or would be — for really we have not sunk to it — unreadableness ; on the stage it is ridiculous, and in painting and music it would ultimately disgust "Nickar the Soulless" himself. An eminent degree of self-concealing art — art in which there is the hiding of its power — has been called, by people who knew the worth of words, realism, properly enough, for the want of a better word ; but it is the real presence of art which works the transubstantiation of the Avafer and wine of facts into the divine body and blood of an artist's soul incarnate. Realism is not a chronicle, or a copy, or an imitation of anything in the heaven above, or on the earth beneath, out of the spell of the plastic force of an artist's eye or ear. Smollett is, properly understood, the greatest realist in our language. The spirit of truth was the soul of his fancy. If there is loA\Tiess in his writings, it is because there is lewdness in men and women. Swift says : — " As Eochefoucault his manners drew From nature, I believe them true : They argue no corrupted mind In him — the fault is in mankind." In his Preface, Smollett, a Scotchman, is almost apologetic for making his hero a North Briton. He assigns his reasons for doing so, and they are these : " I could at a small exjjense bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in England by such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom with more propriety than in any place near the capital ; and, lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that countiy." These are evidently after-thoughts. They provoke a smile — not at Smollett, who was no coward, and who was proud of being a Scotchman — but at the ignorant importance of the South Britons of the time, and especially of the capital, who stood in sore need of such conciliation. Scott, not very long after, had no such apologies to make. And Thomas Carlyle, the Chelsea sago of this, as SmoUett was of last century, would as soon pretend to having discovered the perpetual motion as he would veil a single Scotch feature on his face or in his fancy. Dr. Robert Chambers makes a rather curious remark with some bearing on this. Speak- ing of Roderick Random, he says : — " He made his way to Newcastle, which in the first town or place he mentions by name in his narration : a curious, hitherto unobserved fact, marking part 'of the feelings of that age. In the early half of the eighteenth century, and more particularly when Roderick Random was published, Scotland was sadly out of love and respect in the southern kingdom, and it was little recommendation to be a Scotsman. Mr. Random LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 23 therefore only intimates that he -was born in * the northern part of the United Kingdom,' indicates Glasgow as ' a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges,' and passes through seven Scottish chapters without ever specifpn"- a Scottish locality." After bringing his hero through, or rather out of, his scrapes, he does mention Edinburgh by name — leaving it to be supposed that some good thing could come out of the north. Smollett, however, takes ample vengeance for all this unnatural self-restraint when Matthew Bramble and Jerry Melford describe the English, and the Scotch, and Lieutenant Obadiali Lismahago. In Roderick Random the practice of giving signij&cant names to the characters is carried out with all an eager youth's urgent defectiveness, from the heroes Eandom and Strap down to Gawky, Bumpkin, and ShufHe. This species of unartistic affectation begins to dissolve in Peregrine Pickle, and almost dis- appears in Humphry Clinker. In Roderick Random and in Peregrine Pickle there is no description of scenery or architecture. These are the staple article in our time. Words- worth somewhere speaks of this as a product of the nineteenth century. But no writer ever excelled Smollett in hitting off — descriptively — the noses and natures in general of women and men. Smollett was no structuralist. These two novels owe nothing to plots and high play in mystery — the whole thing is byplay. Eoderick Random and Strap are the unity of the first of them. One expects something to be made in the mystery way of Mrs. Gawky, but she slips out of the novel like a knotless thread through the eye of a needle. ISTarcissa, after she does appear, helps to keep things hanging together, but Strap and Random are the plan, and the plot, and the counter-plot. These two are one. Strap is the complement of Random — his artistic as well as his economic completion. Once more, Smollett is no master in pathos. One sees him making mouths behind the mask. His " dear creature," " arbitress of my fate," and " glo^ving hopes," and " chiUing fears," are all in the sock. Smollett never walked with ease in the buskin. It pinched his foot from The Regicide to Humphry Clinker. It is usual to pad biographies of Smollett, and his like, with outlines of the story under notice, and with the biographer's estimate of the characters. The story is within reach of the reader, and his own estimate is of vastly more conse- quence to him than a biographer's. Roderick Random being written as if by himself, its autobiographic style provoked a sturdy endeavour to identify the originals of the characters — a notable outcome of the fallen spirit of realism. Who the hero, and his grandfather, and his cousin were, everybody knew. Js^arcissa sprung from Miss Lascelles. Captain Whiffle has been supposed to be identified in Lord Henry Pawlett, commander of the Harfleur, who died in 1794, the last Duke of Bolton. Tom Bowling and Jack Rattlin are left in their Melchizedek-like originality. But Strap has been the pride and the boast of four claimants. It is not in this case greatness thrast on unwilling victims ; it is greatness urged in claim, and utilized to a bargain in business. Lewis, the bookseller of Chelsea ; Hew Hewson, the hairdresser in the parish of St. Martin's, London; Duncan Niven, a wigmaker of Glasgow; and 24 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. Hutcliinson, a barber of Dunbai-, have all Lad their claims and their advocates. Dr. Chambers gives the details in a note, and to it "we refer the curious. Whoever was the original, it is certain he was not the man. Clay lifted from the ground by a creator is not the man into whose nostrils the breath of life is breathed- In the story of Melopoyn, it seems to be admitted that Mr. Lacy of Drury Lane was Brayer, Mr. Garrick was Marmozet, and Lord Lyttleton was Sheerwit. To the latter two Smollett made what atonement he could by and by, but as Smollett the novelist is more widely read than the historian Smollett, the atonement could never become as ample as he, no doubt, wished it to be. In his History of England, the following is read regarding the period referred to in the story of Random's fellow-prisoner in the Marshalsea : — *' The exhibitions of the stage were improved to the most exquisite enter- tainment by the talents and acting of Garrick, who greatly surpassed aU his predecessors of this, and perhaps every other nation, in his genius for acting, in the sweetness and variety of his tones, the irresistible magic of his eye, the fire and vivacity of his action, the elegance of attitude, and the whole pathos of expression." Besides, with the ardour of a nature as eager to praise as to blame, he wrote a rather suppliant letter to Garrick, begging him to beHeve that his good opinion was sincere. As to Lyttleton, he wrote : — " Candidates for literary fame appeared e^•en in the higher sphere of life, embellished by the nervous sense and extensive erudition of a Corke, by the delicate taste, the polished mien, and tender feelings of a Lyttleton." SmoUett had now got a platform all to himself. And he availed himself of it to bring under the notice of his public The Regicide and its troubles. This was in 1749. It was published by subscription, octavo in form, and the ill- used and querulous author was quieted down a little with a pecuniary solace : Dr. Anderson says, it was " very much to his emolument." Success in literature is not favourable to prosperity in any of the other professions. Tliis is as it ought to be. Patients, pleas, the parish, the market, the counter, the workshop, are in danger of being neglected when a man, how- ever great his versatility — a word, by the way, hinting shreds and shalloveness^ — withdraws from them the amount of attention required for literary success. An instinct in the minds of employers asserts this. SmoUett's literary success was now something very like eminence. He had not much of the temper of bow- ing down in him — a temper so necessary to make a medical practice, and even to keep one which has been only recently bought. His consciousness of power to make money in the labour of another profession would not mend — or mar — his temper in this respect. While, therefore, it seems we should regard him up to this time as still clinging to the name, and pretending to the practice, of a surgeon, the projection of another novel looks very like a slightly obtrusive feeUng controlling and shaping into that prostration before necessity, usually called a resolution firmly and finally taken. Smollett's tastes and talents were literary. But literature was not yet acknowledged by society to be gentle- manly. And Smollett was disposed very much to be a gentleman — of course he was one by nature, but nature is not in the question at present ; and his wife seems to have been, as Creoles often are, desperately anxious to be a fine LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. lady — that is, a female all outside of herself, and by no means a sensible woman. The medical profession was gentlemanly. Hei'e, then, was a difficulty to a mind like Smollett's, which was utterly incapable of being reduced to the equilibrium of equal and opposite forces which the ass used to be logically supposed to feel between tAvo battels of straw, but which no hungry ass ever did feel. It is a fiction of biography to suppose some men capable of this feat of the fictitious ass. If we could suppose such a thing, the moment of the resultant force Avould be at best equal to nothing, as it was with the ass — as real an existence as the biographers' ideal of philosophic calm. Smollett was neither a philosopher nor an ass of the ideal sort. We accordingly find him between two very dissimilar battels in the same year. In June 1750 he was constituted M.D. by the Marischal College, Aberdeen. Dr. Anderson says : — "At this period, Smollett seems to have obtained the degree of Doctor of Physic, probably from a foreign University." Sir Walter Scott settled the question about the degree on final historical evidence. He writes in a note : — " The late ingenious artist, Mr. H. W. Williams of Edinburgh, teUs us in his Travels, that a friend of his had seen, in 1816, at Leghorn, the diploma of Smollett's doctorate, and that it was an Aberdeen one. The present editor thought it worth while to inquire into this, and Professor Cruikshanks has politely forwarded a certificated copy of the diploma, which was granted by the Marischal CoUege of Aberdeen in June 1750." And in this same year he left London, and all its possibilities of practice and fees, and went to Paris; and there, as is surmised, wrote the most of Peregrine, Piclde, which appeared in the spring of 1751, in four volumes duodecimo, and was received with such extraordinary avidity, that a large impression was quickly sold in England, another Avas bought up in Ireland, a translation was executed into the French language, and it soon made its ap- pearance in a second edition, with an apologetic Advertisement, and Two Letters, relating to the Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, sent to the editor by a Person of Honour. This first edition is in our day scarce enough, and sufficiently coarse to fetch an enhanced price. Any one who has a taste for such things, or who is fond of a few shillings of profit, will look to the trade certification, which is, "London : Printed for the Author, and sold by D. Wilson, at Plato's Head, near Eound Court, in the Strand, 1751." The critical readers of this new novel by Smollett would perhaps observe two things regarding his power of invention, in the sense of the word which relates to the creative faculty in literature. They are richness of invention in incident and detail, and poverty of invention in plan, plot, general construction, machinery, or what- ever would require a Deus ex macMna. There is a wonderful confusion of fine wit and filthiness in the book. But, in a true sense of the word, it is remarkably real— it is so like nature. There are a few points our sup- posed critics would probably notice: Peregrine Pickle is an Englishman, and Eoderick Ptandom was a Scotchman. The North Briton was a proud and poverty-stricken scion of a good old county family— a Scottish county family. The Southron's grandfather died in the harness of London business, and was very sorry indeed to die before his plentiful fortune "amounted 26 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. to a plum," and made it his dying request to his son to make up the defi- ciency. This son had all the greed and gripe of a man of business ; and he, therefore, retired from business, believing it woidd pay best, all things con- sidered — his sister Grizzle, and a loss of five hundred pounds being two of the all things. Furtlier, Roderick Bandom was written autobiographically. Pere- grine Pickle is written biographically — that is, in the former, the hero appeared also as author, and there was no author's name on the title-page ; in this new novel, Smollett appears as the author, and -WTites an account of the sayings, and doings, and surroundings of this rehabilitation of the one hero of a novel he had yet shown himself capable of creating. The style of hero was evidently at this period of his life to his liking — a species of self-love, no doubt. These and a few other trifling difi"erences would, or perhaps they would not, strike those desperately knowing persons, who, when impersonal, are called the critics. But to detail the points of resemblance between the two novels would be to enumerate all the general features of both. The hero in both is trotted from infancy to marriage, being introduced with an account of his parentage. He shows utter commonness of head and heart as a representative of his class. Let not Smollett's power be undervalued in regard to this. It is a proof of the highest power to arouse our interest in such a vagabondish, selfish, vindictive, generous ornament of the lower upper class in the one case, and the upper lower class in the other. Pipes crouches to Pickle as Strap does to Random ; or perhaps we ought to say Pipes and Hatchway. For there is this to be noted : the second work is to the first pretty much what, in the hands of a \n'iter who has time to pause, a re-written sentence is to itself at first — it is branched out considerably. This tendency is seen in the increase in the number of heartless people at home, who do foul wrong to the rather impious hero. Grandfather in the first ; father, and especially mother, in the second story, are the unkind people at home. The cousin and his tutor, whose teeth Roderick knocks out of their setting with a stone ; and Gam and his tutor, who gets such a maul- ing more than once, stand in the relation to each other of the first and the final form of a sentence with the life of thought in it. During the hare- brained career of Pickle, Random's name turns up, or rather ^Morgan — whom the identifiers have had to trace up to Shakespeare's Fluellen and Sir Hugh Evans — reappears in person. In Humphry Clinker, Ferdinand Count Fathom is found again as a penitent apothecary in Yorkshire. So all through the story, aAvay to the Continent — only, of course, with additional sprouts and branches in the second — back to beggary and a debtors' prison ; a marvellous deliverance, and a happy marriage, described with certain very hot allusions to hymeneal mysteries, are all and a thousand and more, evidences that Smollett was as yet poor in structural invention, while his brain teemed in birth with incidents, and fun, and furious frolic. Narcissa and Emilia — in the second, obser\'e, Emilia and Sophia — are just as like as the feathers in the Phoenix used to be like the feathers of the dead fowl whose ashes were pregnant. In the case of the novels, it is a former fowl, not a dead one. These are not by any means young ladies who would charm people quite as capable of heavenly influences as either Random or LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 27 Pickle. But they are the very counteq)art of their admirers — made for them truly, immensely more truly than the same thing is so often said by leaning lovers, who have made the same discovery regarding certain fictile ideas in the Creator's head on several other occasions. Smollett's female characters are framed for society. Their individual woman's heart is absorbed by what is social. They are worldly. Xarcissa is less so than Emilia. But wasted sweetness in a desert is no part of our novelist's ideal of womanliness. When- ever he can get them brought out, they make a tremendous show. Dr. Moore defends them, and Mr. Koscoe adds a few apologies to Moore's defence, which he adopts. AMiat they say is true. Still it is as true that a fine lady, even if a foolish woman, was uppermost in our artist's conceptions. To love Avell and wisely is regarded as the solution of the life problem of a woman. The love of Smollett's ideal woman was wondrous wise. Emilia's love and deceit are, it is to be hoped, unrealizable. Again there is no description of scenery as made for man or by him. This is noteworthy. Souls in a rush like Smol- lett's have no time to look leisurely out of the "window. Genius, suffering and restful, utters itself in the highest art. Genius, self-conscious and egotistical, is too forward, and Xature regards it as saintly matrons look upon impudent boys ; and the impudent boys have little time to listen to the saintly matrons. No doubt the possessed \-ictims of this devil of self-obtrusive genius often bemoan it, and would hail as a saviour any great physician who would cast it out. But great physicians are not often met. And the great assistant-surgeon, or physician in ordinary, Time, is left to do the work ; and he tortures and teaches. Accordingly, in Hum])liry Clinker, when our original was weary and worn, and willingly inclined to rest, we see many evidences of a very noble soul on the look-out. The principal interest of Smollett's earlier novels is a self-evolution of the writer. His inly look was eager then. If he tried to look out, he looked in to see what he was like in the circumstances. The only bit of scenic word-painting — a procedure prolific of fraud, and fondly prac- tised by impostors — by Smollett in these novels, that occurs to memory, is a line or two of description of a storm in Roderick Random, chapter xxviii. They read thus : — " The sea was swelled into billows mountain high, on the top of which our ship sometimes hung as if it was about to be precipitated to the abyss below ! Sometimes we sunk between two waves that rose on each side higher than our top-mast head, and threatened, by dashing together, to over- whelm us in a moment." Xo doubt there was many a pause over the pen at the accouchement of this. It was quite in Virgil's line, if not exactly in his style. Indeed, it is after the manner of the ancient poetical descriptions of storms, which seem to have been so plentiful that Juvenal ridicules them as one of the literary cants : Omnia fiunt Talia, tarn gravitcr, si quando poctica surgit tempestas. The following remark by Dr. Eobert Cham- bers is worth transcribing : — " The attractions of Peregrine Pickle mainly centre round two points, — the so-caUed ' garrison,' with its inhabitants, Trun- nion, Hatchwa)-, and Pipes ; and the exquisitely burlesque scenes afforded by the physician and painter in their sojourn at Paris. Or, if a third centre exists, it may be said to reside in the chapters in which the hero forms the 28 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. acquaintance of Cadwallader Crabtree." There is a matter of fact or two to be heeded. Pallet is said to have been a study from the life ; the name of the model is unknown. The physician was undoubtedly Mark Akenside, medical man and poet. The following passage identifies him : — " fool ! to think the man, whose ample mind must grasp whatever yonder stars survey — Pray, ^Mr. Pallet, what is your opinion of that image of the mind grasping the whole universe? I can't help thinking it the most happy conception that ever entered my imagination." The lines quoted by the ranter about liberty and fea-stcr after the manner of the ancients, are ill. 3, 5-G of Akenside's Ode to the Earl of Huntingdon. Akenside and Smollett could not have mutually embosomed each other, as Smollett's latest biographer thinks they ought to have done. They were both too boisterously eager to pair their bosoms or their brains. Smollett, as a historian, is just to him as we have seen before he was to Garrick and Lyttleton. He says : " Akenside and Armstrong excelled in didactic poetry." The Scotch gentlemen in exile in France which occur in the novel, are traced to originals by Dr. Moore. ]\Ir. Hunter of Burnside, in Forfarshire, whose family is still represented, was the individual who is men- tioned as having wept bitterly over the misfortune of having involved a be- loved wife and three children in misery and distress, and, in the impatience of his grief, having cursed himself with frantic imprecation. " I myself heard," says Dr. Moore, " Mr. Hunter express himself in this manner to Dr. Smollett." As to Frances Hawes, first the wife of Lord William Hamilton, then the unhappy Lady Vane, then the mistress of Mr. Shirley, afterwards similarly related to Lord Berkeley and others, — the Lady of Quality, whose memoirs are pasted on to the pages of Peregrine Pichlc, — there is such full information sup- plied regarding her and her victims and her taskmasters, in the notes to the edition for which this Life is written, that it seems unnecessary to say more of her here. The same remark apphes to the hard-headed and soft-hearted Daniel Mackercher, Esq., and Mr. Annesley, and all the obscure persons whose names have been dug up from the mud of reports of their famous case, and printed in this edition to gratify the curious — not that such information is of much material worth. Regarding Lady Vane, however, the follomng well-authenticated anecdote of her old age is very welcome ; for various and strange are the evil rumours of her latter end to be read in stray corners of journals about four-fifths of a century ago. The anecdote was communicated to Dr. Ptobert Chambers, " by his friend, the late Eev. John Anderson, minister of Ncwburgh, who was nephew to I\Ir. Stuart." And with the good leave of Dr. Chambers, to whom so much is owed in tliis resetting of facts due to Smollett, the story is here repeated in his own words : — "About 1775, a young divinity student, named Thomas Stuart, while attending the Edinburgh University, was selected by Principal Robertson to go and take charge of the education of a boy named Hawes, who lived with his mother in a villa near Bath. It was set forth to him, that, besides a handsome salar}^, he might, in the event of giving satisfaction, hope for promotion in the English Church, as the lady had influence with the Earl of Bute. He was pleased with the situation, and LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 29 only remarked, with some surprise, that of IVIrs. Hawes's many visitors few were ladies. At length, as they were one day passing along a public Avalk in Bath, the young tutor heard the crowd repeating the name of Lady Vane, mingled with expressions of reprobation, and the tnith instantly flashed upon him. He had inadvertently gone into the service of the Lady of Quality, whose memoirs had been published upwards of twenty years ago by Smollett. He wrote to Principal Eobertson to explain the necessity he was under of resigning his post. "Wlien he communicated his resolution to the lady she changed colour, but did not upbraid him. Charles Fox was present, convers- ing gaily, on the evening Avhen he departed from Lady Vane's house by a passing stage-coach. The lady, at parting, put a ring upon his finger, and whispered in his ear, ' Had these wan cheeks been twenty years younger, your Scotch pride might have been vanquished.' He became minister of Newburgh, in Fife, and passed through a blameless life." One other word before parting with Fickle. Dean Delany does not seem to have had an opportunity of reading the first edition, at least, of Peregrine Pichle to his admirable vrife, as he had read Roderich Eandom. She writes to her sister Ann, Mrs. Dewes, or D'Ewes, as her descendant, Lady Llanover, spells the name, on the Gtli April 1751 : "You do not Tecomiaend Peregrine FicHe, so I shall not buy it." Smollett was brought to feel the w^eight of, let us hope, many such capital sentences. He set to purge and look cleanly like a gentle- man ; and whatever Ave may think, he thought his second edition quite fit for reading anpvhere by whomsoever. Thus the author " flatters himself that he has expunged every adventure, phrase, and insinuation that could be con- strued by the most delicate reader into a trespass of the rules of decorum." temjjora ! mores ! Whether Mrs. Delany bought it after this, and had another opportunity of admiring her beloved Dean's elocution, we do not know. The title Doctor was Smollett's by right after June 1750. He was not a man to hide his right any more than his light. Accordingly his next lesson to the public Vt'as one more directly of instruction than of amusement. Dr. Smollett tried in vain once more to eviscerate himself of himself, and to busy himself at Bath Avith sicknesses and sores of the flesh rather than of the spirit. But the fates were propitious, and he failed. He was destined to works of lasting life. A little more in his own line than physical humour- ing of the feeble and the humorsome, he published, in 1752, in quarto, ''An Essay on the External Use of Water; Avitli particular Eemarks upon the present method of using the Mineral Waters at Bath, in Somersetshire, and a Plan for rendering them more Safe, Agreeable, and Efficacious." Eeputation for knowledge and public feeling might follow this perform- ance ; but money for medical attendance did not. This is the only at- tempt Dr. Smollett is known to have made at issuing printed certificates of his professional qualifications. Doctors, and Frenchmen who Avrite French Grammars for English learners, iDut do not know English, are much given to this mode of advertisement. In Smollett's case it was not all advertising. There was a quarrel in the case, and to join in the fray was quite as necessary to him as work and wages. Mr. Cleland, a surgeon in Bath, was a sort of 30 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. local reformer in the bath business. He had opponents in tlie same line. Dr. Smollett had got his M.D., and wished to get money. He sided with Mr. Cleland, and wrote, and demonstrated that he had been reading, but did not show much valiant fight for his friend. He went in for pure water, and Bath had no reputation on that score. And he put himself in possession of a great many sensible ideas, which he exhibited a good many years after, for our delectation, in the letters of Matthew Bramble to Dr. Lewis. The prostration before necessity being now full length and at longest stretch, our novelist therefore determined, with unalterable resolve, to abandon a profession he never had been admitted to in any such sense of material profit aa to render the name of it endurable to him. He left Bath and went to Chelsea. And a house in that retreat of sages, which he is known to have occupied, was Monmouth House, in Lawi'ence Lane, which, along with the garden extending behind it, had been familiar to the lady represented by Sir Walter Scott as the kindly hostess and constant benefactress of the last of all the Border bards : the Duchess of Buccleuch by birthright, the Duchess of ]\ronmouth by mar- riage to that son of Charles II. who began life ■with no legal right to his being, and ended it by forfeiting all similar right to his head. Smollett describes this house in Hiimpliry Clinker. About this period we are to date the recogni- tion by rivals and revilers of our Chelsea Scotchman's high rank among the wits of the generations ; and, as generally happens, henceforth he ceased to revel in the virulence of personal satire, and took to veiling his individual temper by the adojition of that trick of rendering persons impersonal, which is called typical satire, — words which seem to mean delineating the conduct of a character, rather than deleting the character of a man. We are told that such gentlemen as John Wilkes and Dr. Armstrong now valued Smollett's company and conviviality at ^lonmouth House and at their own. The pro- fession of authorship requires above all things industry. Genius is not favour- able to this, and learning is the accumulated profit of its labour. If these three forces, genius, learning, and industry, ever act on any one point, the resultant is appreciable. Smollett often illustrated the operation of this trinity of energy. The resultant in his case was great, and would have been grand but for a bad temper. He was aware of this, as we learn from the dedication of his next novel to Dr. * * *, evidently Dr. Smollett, for he was too well bred to address such a dedication to any other doctor. The novel in question is The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, published in two volumes 12mo, in 1753 ; and a portion of the apologetic dedication prefixed to it is : — " Know then, I can despise your pride while I honour your integrity ; and applaud your taste, while I am shocked at your ostentation. I have known you trifling, superficial, and obstinate in dispute ; meanly jealous, and awkwardly reserv^ed ; rash and haughty in your resentments ; and coarse and lowly in your con- nexions. I have blushed at the weakness of your conversation, and trembled at the errors of your conduct. Yet, as I own you possess certain good qualities which overbalance these defects, and distinguish you on this occasion as a person for Avhom I have the most perfect attachment and esteem, you have no cause to complain of the indelicacy with which your faults are reprehended ; LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 31 and as they are chiefly the excesses of a sanguine disposition and looseness of thought, impatient of caution or control ; you may, thus stimulated, watch over your OAvn intemperance and infirmity "vvith redoubled vigilance and con- sideration, and for the future profit by the severity of my reproof" Talk like this in a dedication to a new book by a genius all in flame, still struggling at thirty-two years of age, eager to excel all at once, and pain- fully sensible of the inconvenience of talk in another strain, is dogged with a by-sense of blended apology and advertisement, and with a suspicion that it squirts from a source about as profound as the tongue and the tips of two fingers and a thumb. The talk, let us hope, will by and bye proceed in an opposite direction. When a man begins to say such things to himself, all alone and in the strictest confidence, he is in a hopeful way ; and in some score of years or so, more or less, according to the bulk of certain elements of an earthy sort, and according to the action of certain incidents of a tortur- ing kind, the spirit of the talk will perhaps have inspired the temper, and become a law of life to it. As an account of the inner man, Smollett, it has, no doubt, a good deal of truth in it. Many years later he drew only a line, and laid doAvn two points, of the outer man in the face. Tabitha Bramble's tongue is the black-lead used. She says, when comparing Humphry Clinker's features to the family portrait, " I do think he has got the trick of the eye, and the tip of the nose of my uncle Lloyd of Flluydwellyn \ and, as for the long chin, it is the very moral of the governor's." Ferdinand Count Fathom never became a classical novel. All the biographers have found a reason for this ready to hand in the author's unwise words in his dedication to the individual already identified. The words are : " Let me not be condemned for having chosen my i^rincipal character from the purlieus of treachery and fraud, when I declare my purpose is to set him up as a beacon for the benefit of the unexperienced and unwary." Here was ready to hand a necessary and sufficient explanation of a difficulty. The author had begun to work another vein for a metal seen to be diff"ereut from what he had previously sent to the market ; but who was to explain the difference % He had not, wise workman as he was, cleaned out the one from which he had previously taken two tremendous hauls. But variety would please himself and amuse his customers. He would introduce mystery. This would be some- thing new. Everything had been naked and open hitherto. But now a chapter headed, "The mystery unfolded. Another recognition which, it is hoped, the reader could not foresee," would at least give the author a thrill of fresh sensation in the preparation of it. And then description of scenery had not been his forte thus far. He had ventured on a short description of a storm at sea. Now he would try a land-storm in the Black Forest, and a robber's hut, and the bloody doings of cut-throats and a beldame. These accordingly were conceived and brought forth by that healthy generation of intellect of which only genius is capable. But all this, being new, was strange and difficult to an intelligent public. Random and Pickle had shown a faint outline of the genteelest comedy, crammed Avitli the broadest and coarsest farce. But here was melo-drama looking as like tragedy as a 32 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. black cloak and a scowl look like deeds of terror and death. Random was a roisterer, Piclde was a trickster, but both were full of fun ; Fathom was a cheat, and incapable of a thoughtless joke. Above all, Random and Pickle had both been brought out of their scrapes. Their end was social success. Fathom was a social failure. As to moral failure or success, there was not much to choose among the three. But socially there was all the diflFerence. All these things, the last especially, puzzled the public. An explanation was wanted, the critics were looked to, and the author supplied the key. He, like Sir "Walter Scott, when he gossiped so unwarily about his poetry, threw up his own brief. All the biographers have informed us of the fact ; and the badness of Fathom's character has gratified the sense of goodness in people whose goodness has not extended to their judgment. There is a toughness in the novel-reading faculty which can stand, and has frequently stood, far worse than Fathom, when Random and Pickle have not gone before, Fer- dinand, Count Fathom coming first from an author, or following novels in its own Une, would not have been a drag on his reputation. But coming from Smollett, after he had balanced himself on the very apex of the comical cone, was more than his public could stand or understand. In one respect this novel is like the other two : Le Sage is still the master, and Gil Bias the model. About the time of the publication of Count Fathom, Smollett was in a characteristic scrape. A Peter Gordon had been a recipient of his bountj", and to cancel this and other obligations, had taken sanctuary within the verge of the King's Bench prison. This evasion and certain insolent messages so enraged the quondam benefactor, that he caned the ungrateful beneficiary, Gordon brought an action in the Court of King's Bench against Smollett for this violence. His counsel was the Honourable Alexander Hume- Campbell, twin brother of Pope's Earl of Marchmont. The blow was exag- gerated into intended murder. The jury, however, would not listen to this account of it ; but unfortunately the loss occasioned by this suit left our pug- nacious hero in difiSculties about money for some months. This last fact is one excuse for mentioning the ■vvretchcd affair; but a reason of importance why it should be referred to, is that it exjilains a letter written by Smollett, and printed in the European Magazine for March 1784. This letter was origi- nally addressed to Mr. ]\Iackercher, and dated Chelsea, February 23, 1753, and was submitted to his judgment as to whether it should be sent to Mr. Hume- Campbell. It is a piece of eloquent indignation. It contains a theory of the Hon. Hume-Campbell's conduct — that he was enraged at Smollett's account of a law- suit in Ferdinand Count Fathom. But it is a comfort to think that it probably never went nearer the honourable counsel than Mr. Mackercher or the Euro- pean Magazine. Smollett Avas either too angry or had not time to write a short letter ; so Ave refer the curious to the ]\Iagazine or the earlier biographies. This law-suit did not originate Smollett's money difiiculties ; it only added to thena. Dr. Robert Chambers, in his Life of Smollett, has brought together stray evidences of this. In a letter dated Fcbi-uary 1752, he complains of diflSculties through failure of "West India remittances ; and in a letter in May LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. 33 1753, to Dr. Macaulay, probably a relation through his paternal grandmother, he mentions a former loan of fifteen pounds, and asks a further advance of fifty guineas, in anticipation of a like sum almost immediately due to him for •work in hand. Some bankruptcy had recently caused him the loss of £180 ; he had lost time and money by the Gordon law-suit ; he had also been " obliged to pay the costs and damages of that scoundrel Groom, according to the com- promise made in court." If Groom is not a mis-spelling for Gordon, this is jirobably another comet-like tail to some small enough head of an intense white heat of temper. In this letter, things of a pecuniary kind look critical in Smollett's case. Provost Drummond had given him a note of a month's date for fifty guineas, for trouble he was taking with some "Travels" by the Provost's brother ; and this note had to be immediately discounted at a rate equal to sixty per cent. For a month this would mean the sacrifice of about £2, 12s. 6d, At the end of the following year, December 11, 1754, there is evidence of continued money distress : he again speaks of the failure of re- mittances from Jamaica, and of actual extremities. He was " in very great straits for present subsistence." " I have done nothing all last summer but worked upon Bon Quixote,, for which I was paid five years ago." He had written to his brother-in-law, Mr. Telfer, for money, but had received no an- swer. To crown all for the present, he had been robbed the night before he wrote of his watch and money, in the stage-coach between Chelsea and London. Translating Bon Quixote, was, then, paying a debt of five years' standing ; a debt contracted, that is to say, rather before the time he was made M.D., and while he was projecting Peregrine Pickle. It might be to pay for the degree, and to meet the expense of the visit to Paris. In March 1755, Smollett's translation was published as "The History of the Renowned Don Quixote, from the Spanish of Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, with some account of the Author's Life; illustrated with Twenty-eight new Copperplates, designed by Hayman, and engraved by the best Artists." It was issued by Rivington, in two volumes 4to, and its price was £2, 10s. ; and it was dedicated to His Ex- cellency Don Ricardo "Wall, Principal Secretary of State to His Most Catholic Majesty, who, while he was resident in London as Spanish Ambassador, had encouraged the work, and permitted the dedication. This translation was favourably received by the public at the time, and it has not yet been dis- placed from its high position in English esteem. It is not often that the works of a great genius are translated by a genius so near akin. Smollett longed to revisit Scotland and his relations, — partly OAving to strong natural affections, and partly, no doubt, that he might hear the ap- plause of those he cared for, after his sixteen years' absence, and his well-won renown. Accordingly, after he had got Bon Quixote out of his hands, in the summer of 1755, when he who had left home at eighteen was now thirty-four years old, he accomplished this desire of his heart. A short but telling scene in domestic drama at Scotston, in which the Random and Pickle nature peeps out of both brother and sister — showing that what was born in the blood came out in the novels — is recorded by Dr. Moore, who tells us that he received the particulars from Lieutenant-Colonel Smollett, member of Parliament for the shire 34 LIFE OF TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT. of Dumbarton, and son to ^Mr. Smollett of Bonhill. In Moore's words : " With the connivance of Mrs. Telfer, on Ms arrival he was introduced to his mother as a gentleman from the West Indies, who was intimately acquainted with her son. The better to support his assumed character, he endeavoured to preserve a very serious countenance, approaching to a frown ; but while the old lady's eyes were riveted with a kind of wild and eager stare on his countenance, he coidd not refrain from smiling. She immediately sprung from her chair, and, throwing her arms around his neck, exclaimed, * Ah, my son ! my son ! I have found you at last.' She afterwards told him that if he had kept his austere look, and continued to gloom, he might have escaped detection for some time longer ; ' but your old roguish smile,' added she, ' betrayed you at once.'" Here is a picture for a painter disposed to enshrine genius and worth : the aged Barbara and the son of her sorrow — for her Archibald's death and this son's birth were almost one memory. Scotston is in the upper half of Peebles- shire, and Edinburgh was not far off. It is not known that Smollett had much acquaintance in this ancient capital ; but his name was one of the sus- tained notes of fame now, and would be a sufficient password to any society he would care to be found in. Besides, he had met Dr. Carlyle of Inveresk in London ten years ago, and had sho\vn him his tragedy. He had something very different to show now ; so to call on Carlyle was one of the most natural things in the world. " Jupiter " shall tell us about it. Writing of Smollett at this time, he records : " He came out to Musselburgh, and passed a day and a night Avith me, and went to church and heard me preach. I introduced him to Cardonnel, the Commissioner, with whom he supped, and they were much pleased vdih. each other. . . . He went next to Glasgow and that neighbourhood to visit his friends, and returned again to Edinburgh in October^ when I had frequent meetings with him — one in particular, in a tavern, where there supped with him Commissioner Cardonnel, Mr. Hepburn of Keith, John Home, and one or two more. . . . Cardonnel and I went with Smollett to Sir Dand Kinloch's, and passed the day, when John Home and Logan rovide yourself with another lodging. "^ The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me spirits to support my reverse of fortune THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. SI and to tell him, I despised his mean selfish dispo- sition so much, that I would starve rather than be beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another night \inder his roof. This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shel- ter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hii-ed a small bedroom, at the rate of one sliilliug and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would receive me. Thither I re- moved my luggage ; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with caresses, and made frequent offers of friend- ship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him — a favour which I did not tliink fit to refuse. But, when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake ; for, recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord, Mr. Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation ; and when I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, "Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along ! " My surprise at hear- ing this was not at all affected, whatever his might be ; and I gave him to understand, with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every social com- munity. This heat of mine gave him all the ad- vantage he desired over me, and our discourse, •after much altercation, concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that place ; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of making that request; — and thus we parted. On my return I met my comrade. Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expense ; upon which he pulled out a handfid of half-pence, with a shilling or two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day, he having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference ; for he neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my distress ; and accordingly I left him without uttering one word. But, when I afterwards un- derstood that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I detennined ^vith my- self to call him to a severe accoimt ; for wliich purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a chal- lenge, desiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an oi)porlunity of punishing his perfidy at the expense of his blood. He accepted the invitation ; and I betook myself to the field, though not without feeling considerabla repugnance to the combat, which Ireouently at- tacked me in cold sweats by the way : but the de- sii-e of revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmaidy sj-niptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good gi-ace. There 1 waited an hour be- yond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet nie ; because I should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of the consequence. Ele- vated with these suggestions, which entirely ban- ished all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my billet : and I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, al- though I was fain to sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than half-price, to defray the expense, and contribute to my subsistence. CHAPTER VII, / am, entertained ly Mr. Crab— A Description of him — / acquire the art of Surgery — Consult Crab's Disposition — Becoine necessary to him —An Accident happens — He advises me to launch out into the World — Assists me with Money — / set out for London. The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and. avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary being, no ways- comprehended mthtn the scheme or protection of Providence. My despau- had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was one day told that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain public- house, whither immediately I repaired, and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, w'ho was engaged with two more in drinldng a liquor called pop-in, composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to ■ the reader if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some ckcumstances of his character and conduct, which may illustrate what • follows, and accoimt for his behaviour to me. This member of the faculty was aged fifty,, about five feet high, and ten roimd the belly ; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion of a miilberiy ; his nose, resem- bling a powder-horn, was swelled to au enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles ; and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the as- surance to perform a cure whereby he disap- pointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at one time upon 52 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. tho point of being made up by the interposition and mediation of friends, bad been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the re- spective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about preced- ence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and •were, with great dilliculty, by tho gossips, pre- vented from converting tho occasion of joy into a sceuo of lamentation. The dill'ereuce between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I received tho message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have expected from one of his disposition ; and, after desiring mo to sit, inquired into the parti- culars of my leaving the house of Potion ; which, wlieu I had related, ho said with a malicious grin, "There's a sneaking dog! — I always thought him a fellow without a soul, damn mo ! — a canting scoundrel, who has crept into busi- ness by his hypocrisy, and kissing the arse of everj-bodj'." "Ay, ay," says another, "one might see with half an eye that tho rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to church." This sentence was coulirmed by a tliird, who assured his companions, that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of the godly, whero he had distinguished himself by an extcmjiore prayer an houi- long. After this preamble. Crab addressed himself to me in these words : " Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and 1 '11 do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please. I have given oi'ders for your reception. Zounds ! what does the booby stare at ? — If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be damn'd." I answered, with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me on what looting I was to be entertained. " What footing ! damn my blood," cried he ; " d' ye expect to have a foot- man and a couple of horses kept for you i " "No, sir," I replied, " my expectations are not quite 80 sanguine. That I may be as little burden- some as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the e2q)ense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art while 1 lived with Mr. Potion : neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied with great ijleasurc and application." j "Oho! you did r' says Crab. "Gentlemen, I here is a completo artist !— Studied surgery ! I what? in books, I suppose. I shall have you I disputing with me one of these days on points I of my profession. You can already account for j muscular motion, I warrant, and explain tho mystery of the brain and nerves— ha ? You are too learned for me, danui me. But let 's hear no more of this stuft'. Can you bleed and give a clyster.'spread a jjaster, and prepare a potion ?" Upon my answering in tlie allirmative, he shook his head, telling me he believed he should have little good of me, for all my promises ; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I was accordingly that very night ad- niitteil to his house, and liad an apartment as- signed to mo in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwith.-itanding tlio mortification my pride suffered in this cliungc of circumstances. I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in lliis manner : for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by ex- posing the selfishness of his antagonist in oppo- sition to hia own generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play from his master's brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily beha- viour to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease ; however, as 1 did not per- ceive how I could bestow myself to better ad- vantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with all the address, in my power. And it was not long be- fore I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, which governed his behaviour towards all his dependants. I observed, when he was pleased, ho was such a niggard of his satisfaction, that, if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insupport- able degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel. And. when his indignation was roused, submission ana soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of rea- son and humanity. I therefore pursued a con- trary plan ; and one day, when ho honoured me with tlie names of ignorant whelp and lazy raga- muffin, I boldly replied, " I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his soul ; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with." He gave tokens of great amaze- ment at this assurance of mine, and shook his cane over my head, regaixling me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at lus menacing looks and postiu-e, I yet had reflection enough left to con- vince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was tho critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service ; I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest. He con- tinued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into those ejaculations : " This is fine usage from a servant to a master, — very fine ! — damna- tion ! — but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall. I '11 do your business — yes, yes, I '11 teach you to lift yoiu- hand against me." So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished outhely at our iKxt meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of ])unch after dinner. By this conduct I got the ascend- ency over him in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect ; and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close appli- cation to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on very good terms Avith my master's wife, whose esteem 1 acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by ren- dering her .some Christian offices when she had been too familiar with the dram-bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation under the afUiction slie suffered from her barbarous hus- band. In this manner I lived, without liearing the least f idings of my imcle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no com- pany, being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance : for the Nabal, my master, allowed me no wages ; and THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 53 the small perquisites of my station scarcely s\ip- plied me with the common necessai-ies of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking coxcomb, giddy v.'ith popular applause, and elevated wth the ex- travagance of nope : my misfortunes had taught me how little the caresses of the world, during a man's prosperity, are to be valued by hira ; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making himself mdependent of them. My present aj)pearance, therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed In laying up a stock of instruction that might secure mo against the caprice of fortime for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me crest- fallen ; and Gawky returned to town, without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so efi'ectiially, that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. ^Vhen I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of linding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone : but, as this could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his omti sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident which happened about this time determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid-servant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me, at the same time, that I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her ; taking the advan- tage of which I represented to her the folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome conse- quences ; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from Ms wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he Icnew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and imdermining his reputa- tion ; there being no scandal equal to that of un- cleanness in the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself ; which was, to persuade the girl that she was not with child, b\it only afflicted with a disorder incident to young women, which he could easily remove. With this view, as he pretended, he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would in- fallibly procure abortion ; but in this scheme he was disappointed ; for the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the same time well acqxiainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to follow his directions, and threatened to publish her situation to the world, if he would not immediately take some method of providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner : — "I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was broDing on the coast of Guinea. — Damme ! what 's to hinder you from profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain ? You may easily get on board of a king's ship in quality of a surgeon's mate, where you will certainly .sec a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money." I laid hold of this declara- tion, which I had long wished for, and assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my power ; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required ; and as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money sufficient not only for that pur- pose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of some ship. I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London, my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen of ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of worsted, and a ID^e number of thread stoclctngs, a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman's Surgery, and ten guineas in cash, for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent, interest ; at the same time gave me a letter to the member of parliament for our town, which, he said, would do my business efiectually. CHAPTER VIII. 1 arrive, at Newcastle — 3feet with my old School- felloio Strajp — We determine to xvalk together to London — Set out on our Journey — Put up at a solitary Ale-house — Are disturbed hy a strange A dveniure in the night. There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse ; I deter- mined, therefore, to set out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on horseback ; and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the first day of September 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But, by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon- Tyne, I was so fatigued ^vith the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather than proceed in sixch a disagreeable manner. The hostler of the inn at which we piit up, understanding I was bound for London, advised me to take my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap and expeditious, and ^dthal much easier than to walk iipwards of three himdred miles through deep roads in the winter time ; a journey which, he believed, I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to take his ad\'ice, when, one day, stepping into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered ray face, accosted me thus : "Sir, T presume you are a Scotchman." I answered in the affirmative. "Pray," continued he, "from what part of Scotland ? " — I no sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not con- fining his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face ■with great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion, that, starting 54 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. up, I asked him what the devil he meant by using me 80. He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him ; and craved my name. But when I declared my name was Random, he ex- claimed in a rapture, " How ! Rory Random 1 " " Tlie same," I replied, looking at him with aston- ishment. "Wliat," cried he, "don't you know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?" At that instant, recollecting his face, I Hew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance ; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our mutual car- ■ esses were over, I sat down again to be shaved ; but the poor fellow's nerves were so discomposed •by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means to cut me in three places, in as jnany strokes. His master, perceiving his dis- order, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me. We retired 'immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I desired to be informed of his adven- tures, which contained nothing more, than that his master djong before his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expecta- tion of journey-work, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance, who worked in the keels ; that he had the good fortune of being em- ployed by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he Sroposed to go to London, where he did not ouot of finding encouragement. When I com- municated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a whiter voyage, which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small detriment of my fortune. Whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me company, carry my bag- gage all the way, and, if we should be fatigued before we could perform all the journey, it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road either returning horses or waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expense. 1 was so ravished at this proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing : but he gave me to understand he had saved money suffi- cient to answer his own occasions ; and that he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce him into Inisiness in that capital, and might pos- sibly have it in his power to serve me also. Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next morning by day-break, armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knapsack), and our money sewed between the lining and waistband of our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expense on the road. We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good dis- tance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge ale-house, that stood on a by-road, about half a mile from the highway. There we found a jjcdlar of our own countrj', in whose company we regaled our- selves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxom lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affec- tion I was vain enough to believe I had made some progress. About eight o'clock, we were all three, at our own desire, sho'wn into an apart- ment, furnished \\-ith two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the Eedlar occupied the other, though not before e had prayed a considerable time extempore, searched into every comer of the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use. I slept verj' sound till midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my com- panion, whom, to my no small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb ; he told me, with a low falterhig voice, that we were undone ; for there was a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols in the next room ; then bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board partition, through which I could see a thick-set bra^vny fellow, with a fierce counte- nance, sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before him. I listened with great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone : "Damn that son of a bitch. Smack, the coachman ; — he has served me a fine trick, indeed ! — but damnation seize me, if I don't make him repent it ! I '11 teach the scoun- drel to give intelligence to others, whUe he is xmder articles vAih. me." Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other gentleman that robbed his coach ; and that, if an accident had disappointed him to-day, he might soon find op- portunity enough to atone for his lost trouble, " I '11 tell thee what, my dear Bett," replied he, " I never had, nor ever will, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to- day. — Zounds ! there was four hundred pounds in cash to recruit men for the king's service, be- sides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers ; — had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I woiild." "Well, well," cries Betty, "we must trust to Providence for that ; — but did you find nothing worth taking, wliich escaped the other gentleman of the road?" "Not much, faith," said the lover ; " I gleaned a few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are) ; I took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch, which ho had concealed in his breeches. I like- wise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a Quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion. But what I value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a gold snuff-box, my girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid ; which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's smock." Here, as the devil would nave it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the high- wayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crj-ing : " Hell and damnation ! I am betrayed ; who 's that in the next room?" Mrs. Betty told him he need not be uneasy ; there were only three Eoor wearied travellers, who, missing the road, ad taken up their lodgmg in the house, and were asleep long ago. "Travellers," says he, "spies, you bitch! but no matter — I'll send them allto hell in an instant." He accordingly ran towards our door ; when his sweatheart in- terposing, assured him there was only a couple of THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 55 poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion ; and the third was a Presbji;erian pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before. This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to 3etty with caresses and familiarities that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded us, Strap had crept \mder the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear ; so that it was with great diffi- culty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard. This itine- rant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder than he started up, calling as loud as he could, " Thieves, thieves ! Lord have mercy on us ! " And Kifle, alarmed at this •exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door, to kill the first man "who should enter ; for he verily believed himself beset ; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate :fit of laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep. Meanwhile my comrade had unde- ceived our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason for disturbing him ; upon which, getting np softly, he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a cus- tomer for the future of the value of a pin's point, provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether or not his disburdening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know not ; but he slipped into bed again, and lay veiy quiet until the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert ; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity ; then he moved gently to our bedside and bade us fare- well, telling us, that, as we ran no risk, we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we knew no- thing of his escape ; and lastly, shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger, for the gro\md was not above a yard from his feet as he hung on the outside. Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all free from apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effect of the highwayman's disappointment, as he cer- tainly intended to make free \vith the pedlar's ware. Neither was my companion more at ease in his mind ; but, on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Kifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his ven- geance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we knew his pro- fession, and suggested, that if ever he should meet us again on the road, he would look upon as as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him withal my confidence in Betty's good nature, in which he acquiesced ; and, during the remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning. It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving our window open, cried out : " Ods bobs ! sure you Scotchmen must have hot constitutions to lie all night with tlie window open, in such cold weather." I feigned to start out of sleep, and withdrawing the curtain, called, " What 's the matter ? " When she showed me, I aff'ected surprise, and said, " Bless me ! the window was shut when we went to bed." " I '11 be hanged," said she, " if Sau-ney Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropvdous in his sleop. — Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed." With these words she advanced to the bed in which he lay, and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, "Good lack-a-daisy ! the rogue is fled ! " " Fled ! " cried I, with feigned amazement, " God forbid ! — Sure he has not robbed us." Then springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my hand ; which having reck- oned, I said, " Heaven be praised, our money is all safe : — Strap, look to the knapsack." He did so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stole no- thing belonging to the house ? " No, no," re- plied she, " he has stole nothing but his reckon- ing ;" which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge, in the midst of his devotion. Betty, after a moment's pause, withdrew ; and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight than he jmnped out of bed, and dressed, venting a thousand exe- crations, and voTiving to murder the pedlar, if ever he should set eyes on him again : "For," said he, " the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me." Having dressed himself in a huiTy, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us of his company, and a thoii- sand fears that were the consequence of it. While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse ; but as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust ; when, all of a sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagi- nation was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, -with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, "0 Lord ! there's the highwayman returned !" Our landlady, staring at these words, said, " What highwayman, young man ? — Do you think any highwaymen harbour here ? " Though I was very much disconcerted at tliis piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to teU her, we had met a horseman the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a liighway- man, because he rode with pistols ; and that he had been terrified at the soimd of a horse's feet ever since. She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade ; but I coidd per- ceive (not without great concern) that this account was not at all satisfactory to her. CHAPTER IX. WcproceecL on our Jmtrney — A re overtaken hj an Highwayman, who fires at Strap — Is prevented from shooting me iy a company of llorsemen, who ride in pursuit of him — Strap is put to bed at an Inn — Adventures at that Inn. After having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me tenderly at part- ing, we proceeded on our journey, blessing our- 56 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. selves that we had como off so well. Wc hrul not walked above five miles, when wo obsen-ed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was ? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats ; but I remained as mute as before. Strap seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in tne mud, uttering with a lamentable voice these words : " For Christ's sake, have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle, — we know you very well." "Oho!" cried the thief, "you do I — but you never shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog ! " So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground, without speaking one word. My comrade's fate, and my own situa- tion, riveted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection ; so that I did not make the least attempt either to nm away or deprecate the wTath of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me ; but before he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coining up, he rode off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by those whose appearance had saved my life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an oflBcer, who, as I afterwards learned, was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket-pistols the day be- fore ; and who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether o^ving to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, pro- cured the assistance of his lordship's servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This holiday cap- tain scampered up to me with great address, and asked, who fired the pistol which he had heard. As I had not yet recovered my reason, lie, before I could answer, observed a body lying on the ground : at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced with a faltering tongue, " Gentle- men, here 's murder committed ! Let us alight." "No, no," said one of his followers, "let us rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man ? " By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he could not be a quarter of a mile before ; and to beg of one of them to assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the ne.xt hoiise, in order to its being interred. The captain foreseeing that, in case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse, and give him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the crea- ture rear up and snort, he called out his horse was frightened and would not proceed ; at the same time wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheeling him with " Sirrah, sirrali, gently, gently," etc. — "Zounds !" cried one of the scr\-ants, "sure my lord's Sorrel is not resty ! " — With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Son-ol, disdaining the rein, spning foi-ward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth, happily for nim, given way, by which means he landed in the dirt ; and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his situation. Meanwhile, one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm and breathing ; upon which I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with inexpressilde joy, re- cover ; he having received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn^ about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed ; and in a little time the third servant returned with the captain's horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he coulcL This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained griev- ously of the bruise occasioned by his fall ; and, on the recommendation of the servant, who war- ranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which sen'ico he rewarded me with half a cro\vn. The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at cards between two fanners, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty goAvn and cassock, who, as I oftenvards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal, and that the two farmers, who were part- ners, had to do with a couple of sharpers, who slript them of all their cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very much was, to hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrj-men who seemed to suspect foul play, in these words : "Damn me, friend, d'ye question my honour?" — I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in can- onicals, this being a character frequent in my own country ; but I was scandalized at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends, in some sort, for the damage he had done to the unwarj' boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the whUe. This good humour of the parson inspired the company with so much glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing in the yard. "SVliilc we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, "Gad so ! gentlemen, I beg your pardon ; there 's our dog of a doctor coming into the iim." He immediately concealed his instniment, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, inquii-ing very cordially into the state of his health. This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, having alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, lie called for a bottle of ale and a pipe, scarce deigning an answer to the submis- sive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his family. While he indulged him- self in this state amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleased to honour us with his comimny at dinner ? To which iuteiTO- gation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes ; and that he had, on leaving his O'vsti house, told Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, lie rose and moved, with prelatical dignity, to the door, where his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted, than the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this manner : " There the old rascal goes, and the devil go with him. — You see how the world wags, gentlemen. — By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live ; and yet he has two livings worth £400 per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what ? THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 57 ■why, tnily, for £20 a year. I scorn to boast of my own qnalificntions ; but — comparisons are odious. 1 should be glad to Icnow how this swag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow-chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his house- keeper. You understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is ; but no matter for tliat : — ay, and a duti- ful girl to her i^arents, whom she visits regularly eveiy year, though, I must own, I could never learn in what coimty they live. — My service t' ye, gentlemen." — By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate all together with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and cveiy man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the ciirate went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and mounting his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had been sUent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin : " Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shuffle : I could not help smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while he sei-ved young Lord Trifle at the university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No man knows his talents better than I ; for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle, an intimate companion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself into a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship's clothes, on which account he was turned away ; but as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's con- duct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood in spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting company. These qualifica- tions make him agreeable wherever he goes ; and, as for playing at cards, there is not a man within three co\mties a match for him : the truth is, he is a damnable cheat ; and can shift a card with such address, that it is impossible to dis- cover him." Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked why he had not justice enough to acquaiat them with these par- ticulars before they engaged in play ? The ex- ciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man ; besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned ; this demand the exciseman as positively refused, afiirming, that whatsoever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench in Christen- dom ; so sajnng, he got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. The landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage, to see if he was gone, shook his head, saying, " Ah ! Lord help us, if every sinner was to have his deserts. — Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the exciseman. — But I know what : — if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick the beam. — But masters, this is tmder the rose," continued Boniface, with a whisper. CHAPTER X. The 'Highwayman is taken — Wc arc detained as evidence against him— Proceed to the next Vil- lage — He escapes — We arrive at another Inn, where wcgo to bed — In the ni/jht we are avjaJxd by a dreadful Adventure — Next night we lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster — Our treatment there. Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, -with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. This highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further oppo- sition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopt at our inn to join their companion, and take refreshment. When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of peasants armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with such terror and confusion. Sly companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in liis appear- ance, that, going up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared, he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately produced, and be- gan to strip, but was dissuaded from this adven- ture by me, who represented to him the folly of the imdertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would, no doiibt, give us all satisfaction enough. But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our being de- tained by the captors as evidence against liim, when we were just going to set forward. How- ever, there was no remedy ; we were obliged to comply ; and accordinglj' joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we ar- rived at the place of our destination ; but, as the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom, we understood, he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape. Tliis, nevertheless, was the case ; for next morning, when they went upstairs to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the roof, from whence he continued his route along the tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret window, where he skulked imtil the family were asleep, at which time he ventured down stairs, and let himself out by the street door, which was found open. This event was a great disappointment to those that ap- prehended him, who were flushed with hopes of the reward ; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to conttniie my journey without any furtlier molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day tra- velled Avith great vigour, and before night reached a market-town, twenty miles from the place whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return-horses, or other cheap car- S8 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. riage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was infomied, that the waggon from New- castle to London had halted here two nights ago ; and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day after the next. Tliis piece of news gave us some satis- faction ; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed nmtton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have verj- well dispensed with his com- pany, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as tiiere was not another bed empty in the house ; and accordingly went to rest, after having se- cured our baggage under the bolster. About two or tliree o'clock in the morning, I was waked out of a verj' profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice : " Blood and wounds ! run the halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out presently." This dreadful saluta- tion had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed, he ran against some- body in the dark, and overturned him in an in- stant ; at the same time bawling out, " Fire ! murder ! fire ! " a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and tilled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared ; which was no other than our fellow- lodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratch- ing his head, with a look testifjing the utmost astonishment at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him. — This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting Serjeant, who, having listed two country fellows over night, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination, that lie got up in liis sleep, and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger van- ished, the company belicld one another with great surprise and mirth ; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady with nothing on her but her shift, and a large pair of buckskin breeches with the backside before, whicli slie had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders. One had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with tlie bolster rolled about liis middle. When this aflair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, the serjeant slipt into bed, and my companion and I slept without any further dis- turbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward, in expectation of overtaking the waggon ; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed to one of a veiy sorry appearance. At our en- trance, the landlord who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large lire in a very neat paved kitchen, and, Avith a cheerful countenance, accosted us in these words: " Halvele, pueri, ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, Ijecause I was in hone of recommenduig myself to him by my knowledge in that language ; I therefore answered, without hesitation, — " Dis- solve frigus, ligna super foco — large reponens," I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, rimning toward me, shook me by the liand, crying, "Fill vii dilectlssime I vnde venist a superis, vifallorj" In short, finding we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard enough ; but onlered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his q-uadrimitm, repeating from Horace at the same time, " JJcprome qwtdrimum SaMna, Thaliarche, menim diotn." This gtuulrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amjyhora four years old for the use of himself and friends. In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this face- tious person was a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. "I am this day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his Majesty's dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week ; but the two chief Elcasures of my life are these (pointing to the ottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, 'tis true, — what then ? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises : ' Til ne qufcsicris, scire nefas, quern, mihi, quern tibi fineni di dcderint. Carpe diem, quam mini- mum credula postero.' " 'As he was very inquisi- tive about our affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting him with our situation, which, when lie had learned, he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the mean- time he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his iheuds—permiUens divis ccetcra. While our entertainment was preparing, our host re- counted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drank several bottles of his quadrimut/i, I ex- pressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had in- formed us that Ave should overtake the waggon by noon next day ; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that conveyance. Be- fore my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the good humour of our land- lord, which gave Strap such an idea of his bene- volence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment. " Don't you observe," said he, " that he has con- ceived a particular affection for us ; nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?" I was partly of Strap's opi- nion ; but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-]md(ling and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. " Biddy will let you know, gentlemen," said he, "fori never mind these matters. Money mat- ters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan : Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam." Meanwhile, Biddy having con- sulted a slate that hung in the comer, told us our reckoning came to 8«. Td. "Ei^ht shillings and sevenpence !" cried Strap ; " 'tis impossible — you must he mistaken, young woman." "Reckon again, child," says her father, very deliberately ; " perhaps you have miscounted." " No, indeed. THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 59 father," replied she, " I know my business bet- ter." I could contain my indignation no longer, but said, it was an unconscionable bill, and de- manded to Icnow the particulars ; upon which the old man got up, muttering, " Ay, ay, let us see the particulars — that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and paper, -wa-ote the following items : — s. d. To bread and beer 6 To a fowl and sausages 2 6 To four bottles quadrim 2 To fire and tobacco 7 Tolodging 2 Tobreakfast 1 8 7 As he had not the appearance of a common publi- can, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved ; there- fore I contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was biit a young man, and did not know the world, or 1 would not tax liim with extortion, whose only aim was to live " contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pau- peries." My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition ; but swore he should either take one-third of the money, or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and conjecturing the occa- sion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught ; but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Jnst as we de- parted. Strap, who was half distracted on accoimt of this piece of expense, went up to the school- master, and grinning in his face, pronoimced with great emphasis, ' ' Semper avarus eget." To which the pedant replied, vnth a malicious smile, "Ani- mum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat," CHAPTER XI. We descry the Waggon — Get into it — Arrive at an Inn — Our Fell.ow-travellers described — A Mistake is commiUed by Strap, which pro- duces strange thingsi We travelled half a mil e without exchanging one word ; my thoughts being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed ; and the cont(!mplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus : " Well, fools arad their money are soon parted. If my advice Iiad been taken, that old skinflint should have lieen damn'd before he had got more than the third, of his demand. — 'Tis a sm-e sign you came easily "by your money, when you squander it away in thiis manner. Ah, God help you, how many bristly' beards must I have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence half- penny, which is all t'hrown to the dogs ? How many days have I sat ', weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the j cold, my fingers cramp'd, and my nose as blue .^s the sign of the periwig that hung over the door? What the devil was you afraid of? I wpuld have engaged to box with any one of those^ fellows that came in, for a guinea. I 'm sure I jhave beat stouter men than either of them." i'\nd indeed my companion would have fought ai jybody, when his life was in no danger ; but ho had a mortal aversion to fire- arms, and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this extra- ordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders ; at which declaration he was affronted, ami told me, ho would have me to know, that, although he was a poor barber's boy, ho had a soul to spend his money with the best squire of the land. Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descrieil, towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us ; and by that time we reached it, were both of us so weary, that I vf.rily believe it wovdd have been im- practicable for us to have walked one mile far- ther. We therefore bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give \is a cast to tho next stage for a shilling ; at which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey. Accordingly, the conveyance stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder. Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first ; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: — "God's fury! there shall no passengers come here." The jjoor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both ho and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity, and a coimtenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiv- ing our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, " Waunds, coptain, whay woan't you sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny ? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain — I 'se not afear'd of the coptain." This was not encouragement sufiBcient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up agaii; ; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder, "Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't make you smart for this !" However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a most dread- ful manner, "Blood and thimder, where 's my sword?" At these words, my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against me with such force, that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime, a female voice cried, " Bless me ! what is the matter, my dear ?" " The matter," replied the captain, "damn my blood ! my guts are squeezed into a pancake, by that Scotchman's hump." Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolt- ing of the waggon ; and the woman who spoke before, went on : " Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault ; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled so before. I 'm sure, if my lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for vexation. I -ftlsh to God we had writ for tho chariot : I know we shall never be forgiven." — " Come, come, my dear," replied the captain, " it don't signify fretting now— we shall laugh it over as a frolic —I hope you wUl not suffer in your health. I shall make my Lord very merry with our adven- tures in the diligence." This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the conversa- 6o THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. tion. But immediately after, another female voice began : " Sonic people give themselves a great many needless airs — better folks than any Sere have travelled in waggons before now. Some of ns have rode in coaches and cliariots, with three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss alx)ut it. What then ? we are now all upon a fi)oting; therefore let's be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac ? Is not this a good motion, you doting rogue ? Speak, you old cent, per cent, fornicator. What desperate debts are you thinking of? \Vli:it ri'ortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, jwsitively you shall never gain my favour till you turn o'^er a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime, give me a kiss, you old fuliibler." These words, accompanied with a hearty umack, enlivened the person to whom they weie ad- dressed to such a degree, that he cried in a ti-ans- port, though Tvith a faltering voice, " Ah ! you ■wanton baggage — upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, he, he." This laugh intro- duced a fit of coughing, wliich almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we aftenvards found, was the profession of this our fellow-traveller). About this time, I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap, till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the ■waggon, I had an opportunity of viewng the passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with "a silver-laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came limping an old man, with a worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brinmied hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a bro'WTi surtout, that covered a thread-bare coat and waistcoat, and, as we after- wards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy ; his face was shrivelled into a thousand -^vrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and droop- ing, his chin peaked and prominent, so that when he mimiped or spoke, they approached one an- other lilcaking ; while his yoke-fellow, with a disdain- ful toss of her nose, muttered something about " Cixeature ! " ■which Miss Jenny overhearing, stept lip to her, saying, " None of your names, good Jf^s. Abigail. Creature, quotha — I '11 assure you, no' such creature as you, neither — ^no ten- poimd sueaker — no quality-coupler." — Here the captain interposed, with a "Damme, madam, what do you mean by that ?" — "Damn you, sir, who are you | " replied Miss Jenny ; "who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping cuiicr ? 'Sdeath ! the army is come to a fine pass, w*hen such fellows as you get com- missions — whaV/ ! I suppose you think I don't know you? — EjVad, you and your helpmate are well met — a casv-off mistress and a bala valet-de- chambre are well Voked together." " Blood and wounds!" cried ?yeazel, "d'ye question the honoui' of my wife, \madam ! — Hell and damna- tion ! No man in Ei^glaud durst say so much. I would flay him— carbtonado him ! Fury and de- sti-uction ! I would hav'fi his liver for my supper." So saying, he drew his sWord, and flourished with it, to the great teiTor of sVrap ; -w-hile Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his resentment a louse, lln the midst of this quarrel, the master of the.' waggon alighted, who imderstanding the cause t!>f the disturbance, and fearing the captain and , his lady would take umbrage, and leave his parriage, was at great pains to have everything made up, wliich he at last accomplished, and wje sat down to supper all together. At bed-timrt we were shown to our apartments : the old usuiW, Strap, and I, to one room ; the captain, his wij|'e, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, -fny companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go back- ward ; but, in his rotura, nliistaking one door for another, entered Wcazel's cfliamber, and, ■without any hesitation, went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain bei^ng at another end of the room, groping for some; empty vessel, in lieu of his o^^^l chamlier-pot, wl lich was leaky : as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towanls his own bed, after having 'found a convenience : but no sooner did he feel a- rou^h head, covered with a cotton night-cap, tjian it came into his mind that he had mistaken ',Miss Jenny's bed in- stead of his own, and that ^he head he felt was that of some gallant, with ^jvhom she had made an assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scan- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 6i dalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he snaicheii up the vessel he had just oefore filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who, waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, bat frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses, for lie verily believed himself bewitched ; espe- cially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say no- thing but — "I take God to witness, she's a virgin for me." Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and \s-ith the heel of her shoe, which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain's bald pate, till he roared — '•Murder." "I'll teach you to empty your stink-pots on me," cried she, '"'you pitiful hop- o'-my-thumb coxcomb. What ! 1 warrant you're jeidous, you man of lath- Was it for this I con- descended to take you to my bed, you poor ■withered sapless twig ? " The noise occasion^ by this adventure had brought the master of the wagToa and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In the meantime, we were alarmed with the cry of "Rape ! murder ! rape !" which Miss Jenny pro- nounced with great vociferation. — " Oh ! you ^ile abominable old vUlain," said she, "would you rob me of my virtue ? But I '11 be revenged of you, you old goat ! I will — Help ! for heaven's sake ! help I — I shall be ravished — ruined I help ! " Some servants of the itm, hearing this cry, came running up stairs with l^hts, and such weapons as chance aflforded, when we beheld a very divert- ing scene. In one comer stood the poor captain, shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags, with a woful visage, scratched aU over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the counter- pane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. In the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air ; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep ; told us she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep ; and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released ; a favour which he had no sooner obtained, than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate ; that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. "Yes, cockatrice," continued he, "you Imow you laid this snare for me, but you shan't succeed, for I will hang myself before you shall get a far- thing off me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the captain, who told us, " Gentlemen, here has been a damn'd mistake ; but I '11 be revenged on him who was the occasion of it. That Scotch- man who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, 1 ask you ten thousand pardons ; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you." — " I know not what you meant," replied she, sighing, " but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave." At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, ho having stole away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads. CHAPTER XIL Captain Weazel challenges Strap, wlio declines the Combat — An Affair betveen the Captain and me — The Usurer is fain to give Jliss Jen ny Five Guineas for a Release — We are in danger of losing a Steal — The Behaviour of Wear^l, Jenny, and Jo^y, on that occasion — An Account of Captain Weazel and his Lady — The Cap- tain's Courage tried — Isaacs Mirth at the Cc^p- tain's expense. Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I shotild be disposed to walk — at the same time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacrifice the \illaia who attempted to violate his bed ; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure bim of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling belund me all the while. The more submission that appeared in Strap, the more im- placable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon ; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying he would box with him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. "Odds bodiMns!" cries Joey, "sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder ! Here 's a poor laid that is willing to make atoonement for his offence ; and an that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. An' yaw woan't box, I dare say he will coodgel with yaw, — ^woan't yaw, my lad?" — Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "'Yes, yes, I'U cudgel with him." But this ex- pedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the company that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons ; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would ven- ture to promise, on the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps, but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the captain's colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness, "'No, no, no ; for the love of God, don't make any such bargain." At length Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and, with a ferocious coun- tenance, asked, "Who the devil are you? will you fight me ? " With these words, putting him- self in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a swora within half a foot of my breast ; and, springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-comer, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-lounges, skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned, him up in a comer, to the no small diversion of the 62 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. company. While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and, seeing her husV)and in these dan- gerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream : in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, ■which was immediately granted ; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling upon his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked jiardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, tut missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us that she had kept her awake all night with her groans ; and that, when she rose in the morning. Miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immedi- ately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received last night from the orutality of Isaac ; and, as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared, than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machina- tions of that Jezebel, and assured us, Mdth tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result of her o^\^l invitation. The wag- goner, imderstanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by gi%'ing her a sum of money ; to which advice he replied, with great vehemence, " A sum of money ! — a halter for the cockatrice ! " ■ — "Oh! 'tis very well," said Miss Jenny; "I Bee it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of consequence. " At the name of justice, Isaac trembled, and, bidding Joey stay, asked with a quivering voice, what she would have ? She told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a release for an hundred guineas. " An hundred guineas 1" cried he, in an ecstasy, "an hundred Jiries ! Where should a poor old -wretch like me have an hundied guineas ? If I had so much money, d'ye think I should be found travelling in a waggon at this season of the year ? " " Come, come," replied Jenny, "none of your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker in the Minories. Ah ! you old rogue ! many a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintiince, which was never re- deemed." Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds. At last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid, wth great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which accommo- dation the sick person made shift to get into the waggon, and we set forwards in great tranquillity. Strap being accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. 'I'liis morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knockeil dowoi a soldier that made game of him ; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who foimd fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time ; and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who h.id the pre- sumption to be his rival ; — for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and obsen-ed, "The last affair happened that very day on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble ; and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well-nigh fainted." " Yes, my dear," replied the captain, "you know, my lord said to me, with a sneer, 'Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.' And I answered cavalierlj', * My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.' Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my loi-d, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me." We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption, or meeting anything worth notice ; Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits, enter- taining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number ; and rally- ing her old gallant, Avho, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about to sit do^^Ti to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the \ictuals to be car- ried to their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied, " The passengers in the waggon might be damn'd, — their betters must be served before them — they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day." This was a terrible disappointment to us all ; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it ; when Miss Jenny observed, that Cap- tain Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But the captain excused himself, say- ing, he would not for all the Avorld be kno^vn to have travelled in a waggon ; swearing at the same time, that, could he appear with honour, they .should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the three strangers downi, one of whom no sooner perceived her, than he cried, " Ha ' Jenny Hamper ! what the devil brought tliee hither?" " My dear Jack Rattle !" replied slie, running into his arms, " is it you ? Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner — I shall dine with you." They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy ; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding the wliole affair, en- tered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he Avould be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. This menace had like to havo produced fatal consequences ; the tliree strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey ; when the landlord interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers ; and wo sat do\\'n at table without any further molesta- tion. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM, (>l soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good- natured fellow, and withal very arch. He in- formed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the to'svn ; who fallincc into company with a recnuting ofiicer, he caiTJed her down in the stage-coach from London to Newcastle, wliere he had been arrested for debt, and was now in pri- son ; upon which she was fain to return to lier former way of life, by this conveyance. Ho told me likewise, that one of the gentleman's servants whom we left at the inn, having accidentally seen "Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived separate from his lady. But, upon their recon- ciliation, she expressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept ; when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that he should marry his mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the army. This expedient was agreed to ; and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensign in 's regiment. I foxmd he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry of "A highwayman !" as soon as an horseman should appear. This scheme we put in practice towards the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed, "than a general conster- nation arose. Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself beliind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejacidations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands, littered lamentable cries ; and the captain, to oui- great amazement, began to snore ; but this artifice did not succeed ; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, " 'Sdeath ! cap- tain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed ? Get up, for shame, and behave like a soldier and a man of honour." Weazel pre- tended to be in a great passion for being dis- turbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him. "Damn my blood! what are you afraid of?" continued he, at the same time trembling with such agitation, that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Hamper so much, that she cried, "Damn your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. — Stop the wag- gon, Joey — let me get out, and by God, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also." So saying, she leapt out with great agility. By this time the horseman came up with us, and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who commimicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, "Who have we got here?" Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, "Here's a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillmgs, which if you rob me of, we must all starve together." "Who's that sobbing in the other comer ? " said the supposed highway- man. " A poor unfortunate woman," answered Mrs. Weazel, " upon whom I beg you, for Christ's sake, to have compassion." "Are you maid or ■wife?" said he. "Wife, to my sorrow," cried she. "Who or where is your husband?" con- tinued he. " My husband," replied Mrs. Weazel, " is an ofiicer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where we dined." " You must be mistaken, madam," said he, "for I myself saw him get into tlie waggon this afternoon. — But pray what smell is that ? Sure your lap-dog has befouled himself ; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I '11 teach him better manners. " Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him out from under his wife's petticoats, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling captain, being detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of his sleep, cried, "What's the matter? — ^what's the mat- ter ?" " The matter is not much," answered the horseman, " I only called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain." So saying, he clapt spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment. It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length re- assuming the big look, he said, " Damn the fel- low ! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do ? — Don't you remember Tom, my dear?" addressing himself to his wife. " Yes," replied she, " I think I do remember something of the fellow — but you know I seldom converse with people of his station." " Hey-day," cried Joey, " do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?" "Know him," said Weazel, "many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me at my Lord Trippet's table." "And what may his neame be, coptain?" said Joey. " His name ! — his name," replied Weazel, " is Tom Rinser." " Waunds ! " cried Joey, " a has changed his ovm neame then ! for I 'se lay any wager he was christened John Trotter." This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted ; when Isaac broke silence, and said, " It was no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected. And we ought to bless God for our narrow escape." " Bless God !" said Weazel, " bless the devil ! for what ? had he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence^ " Ha, ha, ha ! " cried Miss Jenny, " I believe you wOl eat all you kill indeed, cap- tain." The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice, that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, in- stead of carnal weapons, and worked out his sal- vation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a gi-eat deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who muttered a gi-eat many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac's tliroat. The usirrer tak- ing hold of this menace, said, " Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer. I '11 have him bound over to the peace." This second sneer procured another laugh against him, and he remained crest-fallen dm-ing the remaining part of our journey. CHAPTEB Xin. Straj) and I are terrified ly an Apparition — Strap's Conjecture — The Mystery explained by Joey — We arrive at London — Oiir Dress arid Appearance described — We are insulted in the Street — An Adventure in an Ale-house — We are imposed vpon by a icaggish Footman — Set 64 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to rights hy a Tobacconist — Take Lodijings — Jjive for a Dinner — An Accident, at our Ordinary. We arrived at onr inn, supped, and went to bed ; but Strap's distemper continuing, ho was obliged to rise in llie miildJe of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, -which he had left burning for the purpose, ho went down to the house of oliice, whence, in a short time, he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment 1 Without speaking a word, he set down the light, and jumped into bed behind mc, where he lay and trembled with gi-cat violence. When I asked Lim what was the matter? he replied, with a broken accent, " God have mercy on us ! — I have seen the devil !" Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, 1 was not a little alarmed at this exclamation ; and much more so, when I heard the soimd of bells approaching our cham- ber, and felt my bed-fellow cling close to me, uttering these words, " Christ have mercy upon us ! — there ho comes !" At that instant, a monstrous over-gro\\m raven entered our cham- ber, with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily be- lieved we were haunted, and, in a \'iolent fright, shrunk under the bed-clothes. This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and, after giving us several severe dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of Heaven with great devotion ; and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep uj) and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well-nigh deprived tis both of our senses. "We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle ; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of this world ; and his dress consisted of a bro^vn stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the WTists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed, that I had not power to move my eyes from such 'a ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him come straight up to me. When he reached the bed, he WTiuig his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature, " Where is Ralph ? " I made no reply ; upon which he re- peated, in an accent still more preternatural, "Where is Ralpho?" He had no sooner pro- nounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance ; which the apparition having listened to, tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while before 1 could recover myself so far as to speak ; and when at length I turned to Sti'ap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of ■what had happened ; and he assured me, that the first must certainly be the soul of some per- son damn'd, which appeared by the chains about its legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to tlie bigness of a horse, and the .sound of small morrice-bells to the clanking of massy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be tlie spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted it to torment the assassin in the bliape of a raven, and th;it Ualjiho was the name of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep, and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill. lu the moniing, Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling liim the old man was the landlord's father, who hae a very honest gentleman — I know nothing to the contrary ; but is your sole dependence upon him ? Who recommended you to him?" I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes ; at which he stared .at me, and rejieated, '' Christ ! " I began to conceive bad omens from this belia\'iour of his, and begged he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give ver>' frankly ; and, as a specimen, directed us to a periwig ware- house in the neighbourhood, in order to be accom- modated ; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with these carrotty locks, which he said were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. And, as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back, and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand. As we walked along, Strap triumpied greatly in our reception with his friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would, in a day or two, provide for him with some good master ; and " Now," says he, "you shall see how I will fit you viiVa. a wig. Tliere 's ne'er a barber in London, and that 's a bold word, can palm a rotten caul, or a permj-weight of dead hair ujwn me." And, indeed, this zealous ad- herent did wi-angle so long ^ith the merchant that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheaper else- where. At length I made cnoice of a good hand- some bob, for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the school- master so much offence. We got up next day betimes, having been in- formed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle- light to all his dependants, he himself being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day ; because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's door. Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employeii so loud and so long that he alarmed the whole street ; and a window opening in the second storey of the next house, a chamber-pot was discharged upon him so success- fully that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime a foot- man opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked with a stem countenance if it was I who made such a damn'd noise, and what I wanted ? I told him 1 had business with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he clapped the door in my face, telling me I mnst learn bettor manners before I could have access to his master. "Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption ; but he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine out of his periwig, and, lifting up a large stone. Hung it with such force against the street door of that house from whence he had lieen be- dewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed there was no time for deliberation ; I therefore pursued him with all the THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 67 speed I could exert, until we found ourselves, about the dawn, in a street wo did not know. Ilorc, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man passing by me, stopped of a sudden, and took up something, whicli having examined, he turned and presented it to me with tliese words: "Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown." I was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me ; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe ; upon whicli I pulled out my pxirse (for I had bought one since I came to town), and reck- oning my money in my hand, which was now re- duced to five guineas seven sliilliugs and twopence, assured him I had lost notlung. " Well, then," says he, '•' so much the better — this is a godsend ; and, as you two were present when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me." I was astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of iutegi'ity, but absolutely refused to take any jiart of the sum. " Come, gentlemen," said he, " you are too modest — I see you are strangers ; but you shall give me leave to treat you mth a whet this cold raw momiag." I would have declined this invitation, but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would be afEi-outed, and I complied. "Where shall we go ?" said the stranger, '•' I am quite ignorant of this part of the to\vn." I informed him that we were in the same situation ; upon which he pro- posed to go into the first public-house we should find open ; and, as we walked together, he began in this manner : " I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen. My grandmother by the father's side was of your country ; and I am so prepossessed in its favour that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are a very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago. There 's your Douglasses, Gordons, Camp- bells, HamUtons. We have no such ancient fami- lies here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his mother tongue. And for honesty, I once had a servant, his name was Gregory Macgregor : I would have trusted him mth imtold gold." — This eulogium on my native coimtry gained my afiec- tion so strongly that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author ; and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and fovmd a man sitting by the fire smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drank egg-flip ? To which question we answering in the negative, he assured ns of a re- gale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We foimd this composition very palatable, and drank heartily ; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young unexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary ; and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportimity which threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person ; and proposed we should have re- course to some diversion to keep him awake. " Suppose," said he, " we should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see, that won't do, there 's only three of us : and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this when I am in danger of falling asleep." Although I was not iiuicli inclined io gaming, 1 felt no aversion to jjass an liour or two at cards with a friend ; and knowing tliat Strap understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of say- ing, " I wish we could fbid a fourth hand." While we were in this peri^lexity, the person whom we found in the house at our entrance overhearing our discourse, took the pi])e from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus : "Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see (shaking the ashes into the lire), and rather than you should be balked, I don't care if I take a haml with you for a trifle ; but remember I won't ]-)lay for anything of conse- quence." We accepted his profier witli pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and Strap, for three- pence a game. We were so successful, that, in a short time, I was half-a-crown gainer ; wlien the gentleman whom we had met in the street obsei-v- ing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave ofi", or change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortime and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifierently. Therefore, I voted for giving him his revenge ; and, cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfiiction, happened to be partners. My good fortune attended me still ; and in less than an hour we had got thirty shiUings of their money ; foi-, as they lost, they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about ; and we were veiy soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible eflect ripon the muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened apace ; but our antagonists perceiving our- condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a new acqiusition. Then my companion msely suggested it was time to be gone ; upon which the jDcrson who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortime only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to oui- good play. This insinuation nettled me so much, that I challenged him to a game of piquet for a crown ; and he was vrith difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour, to my inex- pressible affliction, who lost eveiy shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence. The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving, by my dis- consolate looks, the situation of my heart, which well-nigh bursted with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up and went away with my money, began in this manner : "I am traly afflicted at yoiu- bad luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my power. But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long ? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far as it ■waU go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions too impetuous ; you must learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like that which is bought ; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I don't half like liim. Did not you ob- serve me tip you the wink to leave ofl' in time ? " I answered, "No." "' No," continued he, "you was too eager to mind anything but the game. But harkee," said lie, in a whisper, "are you satisfied of that young man's honesty ? his looks are a little suspicious ; but I may be mistaken ; he made a great many giimaces while he stood 68 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT bcliind you ; this is a very •wicked town." I toM him I was very well coiiviiicud of my comrade's iii- tef^rit}', and that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety at my loss. " Oho ! if that Ik" the ca.se, I a.sk liis pardon. Landlord, see what's to pay." — The reckoning amounted to eighteenpenee, which having discharged, the gen- tleman snook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed. CHAPTER XV. Strap moralizes — Presents his Pvrse to rie — We infoiin our Landlord of my Misfortune — He, unravels the Mystery — / jyrcsrnt viyself to Cringcr — He rccomviends and turns vie over to Mr. Stay tape — 1 become acquainted milh a Felloio Dependant, who explaiTis the Characters of Cringer and Staytape — And informs me of the Method to he pursued at the Kary Office and Surgeon^ Jlall — St7-op is em2>loyed. In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Straji, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply ; and he went on, " God .send us Avell out of this place ; we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met witli eight and forty thousand misfortunes. — We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, pissed upon, and at last strijiped of our money ; and I suppose by and by we shall be stripped of our skins. — Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly ; Solomon says, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise. Ah ! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold. " This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having refused me a little money to attemi^t to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a stem countenance, and a.sked who he called fool ? Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in my face for some time ; then, with some confusion, uttered, "Fool ! I called nobody fool but mj'self ; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's mis- fortunes : but nemo omnibus horis saint — ^that 's all, that's all." Upon which a silence ensued, that brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the bed in au agony of despair, re- solved to perish rather than apply to my com- panion, or any other body, for relief ; but Strap, who knew my temper, aud whose heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, " I know what you think ; but I scorn your thouglits. Tliere '.s all I have in the world ; "take it, and I '11 perhaps get more for you before that be gone. If not, I '11 beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and starve with you ; for thougli I be a poor cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also ; and we mingled our tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas and half-a-crowi, which I would have returned to liim, saying he knew better than I how to manage it ; but he aljsolutely refused ray proposal, and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should dejiend upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him. After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner lieard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon liy a couple of sharpei-s, who were associates ; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his o^\^l haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who had been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat, nay even murdered, by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind ; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of ini- quity ; for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquauited him with the particulars ; at which he shook his head, and told us we had not gone the right way to work ; that there was nothing to be done with a member of parliament without a bribe ; that the servant was commonly infected with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. He therefore ad\ised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I liad a letter for his master. I found the good effects of my liljcrality ; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing for three quarters of an hour, during -which time I saw a gi-eat many young fellows, whom I for- merly knew in Scotland, pass and repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from tlie audience chamber ; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes. At parting, Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner ; then turn- ing about towards me, asked what Avere my com- mands ? When he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do, till he had con- sulted the letter agaiu ; to save him that trouble, I told him my name was Randoni. Upou which he went on, "Ay, ay. Random, Random, Ran- dom — I think I rememljer the name ;" and very well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer had many a time rode before my grandfather's <;loak-bag in quality of a footman. " Well," saj's he, " you projioso to go on board a man of war, as surgeon's mate." I replied by a low bow. " I believe it will be a difficult matter," continued he, " to i)rooure a warrant, there being already such a swami of Scotch surgeons at the Navy Ollii-e, in cx])ectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of lieing torn to }iieces, and have actually applied for a guard to jnotect them. However, some ships will soon 1)0 put in commission, and then we shall sec what's to be done." So saying, he left me ex- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 69 ceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I liad met with from this upstart, proud, mean nieiiiher, who, I imagined, would have been ghid of an oi^portunity to lie grateful for the obligations he owed to my family. At my return, I was surprised with the agree- able news of Strap's being employed, on the re- commendation of his friend the schoolmaster, by a periwg-maker in the neighbouiliood, who al- lowed him five shillings per week, besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortniglit, in which time I became ac- quainted M'ith a young fellow of my o^vn country and profession, who also depended on the mem- ber's interest ; but was treated with nnich more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and often adinitted into a parlour, where tliere was a fire, for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for Mm. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable : but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak with him. One day, wliile I enjoyed this occasion, a person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him "with a bow to the very ground^ and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staj'tape and the young ladies ; then after a whisper which con- tinued some minutes, wherein I overheard the word honour repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person wliose advice and assist- ance I might depend iipon, and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me, I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant my fel- low dependant coming out after me, overheard the discoivrse of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly. This address I looked upon as no small honour, con- sidering the figure he made ; for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green silk waist- coat trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a Spencer wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, •with a fine clouded cane in his hand. " I per- ceive," says he, " you are but lately come from Scotland ; pray what may your business mth Mr. Cringer be? I supj^ose it is no secret— and I may possibly give you some advice that may be serviceable ; for I have been surgeon's second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and conse- quently know a good deal of the world." I made no scrapie to disclose my sitxiation, which when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in the same circum- stances about a year ago ; that he had relied on Cringer's promises, until his money (which was considerable), as well as his credit, was qiiite ex- hausted ; and when he WTOte to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money, he received no- thing but reproaches, and the epithets of " idle," "debauched fellow:" that, after he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant, to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum, wherewith he bribed the secretarj', who soon procured a war- rant for him, notwithstanding he had aflirmed the same day that there was not one vacancy : that he had gone on board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out of commission ; and ho said the company were to bo paid off in Broad Street tlio very next day : that Ids relations, being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured the warrant ; in obedience to which command, he came to his levee eveiy morning, as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, lie asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons' Hall ? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know, it was necessary. "Necessary ! " cried he, " Lord, Lord ! I find I must instract you — come along with me, and I '11 give you some information about that mat- ter." So saying, he earned me into an ale-house, where he called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to tlie board, desiring them to order a letter for me to the Surgeons' Hall, that I might be examined touching my skill in surgery : that the surgeons, after having ex- amined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commis- sioners, which qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents. After which I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the expense of this quali- fication, for second mate of a third rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a cro\vn, besides the present to the secretary, which con- sisted of a three-poimd-twelve piece. This cal- culation was like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amoimt to twelve shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having thanked him for his information and ad-vice. He condoled me on this occasion ; but bade me bo of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was ran out at pre- sent, but to-morrow or next day he was certain of receiving a considerable sum, of which he woidd lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket expense, until he should receive his own money. With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed upon to take five shil- lings, telling me that he might have what money he wanted at anytime for the troxible of going into the city ; but as he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till to-moiTow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, without any servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy tailor to whom I heard him turn you over. " How," cried I ; "is Mr. Staytape a tailor?" "No less, I'll assure you," answered he; "and, I confess, more likely to serve you than the member ; for, provided you can enter- tain him with politics and conundi-ums, you may have credit -with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please. I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer's usage, that I would never set foot within his door again. After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to meet the next day at the same place, in order to set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap, and related everything which had happened; but he did not at all ap- prove of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had already been so 70 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. much imposod upon by appearances. " How- ever," said lio, " if you are sure he is a Scotch- man, I believ* you are safe." CHAPTER XVI. My nev) Acqtutintancc l>rcal-s an appointment — Iprocfcd by myself to the JVnry Otjice — A ddres.i myself to a J'rrsmi there who assists me n-ith his Advice — Write to the Board — They grant me a Letter to the Surgeons at the Hall — A711 informed of the Beau's i\/'ame avd Character — Find him — He vutkes me his Confidant in an Amour — Desires me to paicn my Linen, far his occasions — I recoi:er what I lent him — iicmie curious observations of Strap on that Occasion — Ilis Vanity. In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain ; and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself in hopes of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walk- ing below, many of whom made no better appear- ance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose coun- tenance I liked ; and asked if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the board, to obtain an order for examination. He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would show me the copy of what he had writ for him- self, by the direction of another who knew the form ; and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal ; and told me that, if I was expe- ditious, I might send it in to the board before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to a colTeeliouse hard by, where I wrote tlie letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger ; who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time. Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal composed ; and as I met witli so much civility from this stranger, I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be deceived by him so much to my pre- judice as I had been by the beau. Ho agreed to dine with me at the cook's shop which I fre- quented ; and on our way thither, can-icd me to 'Change, where I was in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his appointment). I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town, imparted to my companion hLs behaviour towards me. Uppn which, he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of Beau Jackson (so he was called at the Navy Office), although lie did not know him personally ; that he had the character of a good- natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from anybody tliat would lend ; that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at bottom ; but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest tuo honesty of his intention. This account made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the debtor. This young man likewise added another circum- stance of .squire Jackson's historj^, wluch was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will and power, entitling that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced bun small sums from time to time upon his security at the rate of 50 per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds woidd do little more than pay what he had already received, tliis moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name was Tliomson) had en- tertained me with this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for third mate of a third rate, about four months ago ; since which time he had constantly attended at the Navy Office in hope of a wairant, having been assured from the beginning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to whom the member recommended lam, that he should be put into the first vacancj' ; notwithstanding whicli promi.se, he had the mortification to see six or seven appointed in the same station almost every week : that now, being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town, to lend nim a small matter, for a present to the secretary, ■nithont which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for this yoimg fellow, which, I believe, proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together ; and, as he lived at Wapping, I desired him to take a share of my bed. Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called before the board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half-a-crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my examination, which would come on in a fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured me he would pa\vn everything he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should want. But this expeili'^nt I absolutely rejected, telluig him I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word soldier he grew pale as death, and begged, on his knees, I would think no more of that scheme. " God pi'eserve us all in our right wits ! " cried he, " would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock ? — Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass ! and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. \Vliat signifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not content 'i And, in the next, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless us !) by a musket .shot, as it were in the very flower of one's age, in the pm-suit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend ? do not they make unto themselves wings ? as the \\isc man saith ; and does not Horace observe, Son damns et fundus, non ccris acervus ct aiiri, yEgroto domini deduxit corjiorefehres, N'on animo auras I I could moreover mention many other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books ; but, as I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure you that, if you take on to be a soldier, I THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 71 will do the same ; and tlieu if we sliould both be slain, you will not only have youi- o\n\ blood to aaswer for, but miue also ; and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle. Therefore, I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small things, and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall send better tidings ; or, by your desjiair, plunge both our soiils and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy for- bid." I could not help smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in. his eyes all the time ; and pro- mised to do nothing of that sort without his con- sent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration, and told me in a few days he should receive a week's wages, which should be at my service, but adv'ised me, in the mean- time, to go in quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me. I accord- ingly trudged about from one end of the town to the other for several days, without being able to learn anything certain concerning him : and one day, being extremely hungry, and allured by the steams that regaled my nostiils from a boiling cellar, I went do'WTi with an intention to gratify my appetite with two-pennyi^'orth of beef ; when, to my no small surprise, I fovmd Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the hand, saying he was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the afternoon. I was so well pleased with this ren- contre, and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy expecta- tion of not only recovering my own money before we should pai-t, but also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass ex- amination ; and this hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the account Thomson gave me of him ought to have moderated my expectation. Wlien we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus : "1 suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do con- fess that appearances are against me. But I dare- say you will forgive me, when I tell you my not coming at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received from a certain lady, whom, harkee (but this is a great secret), I am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all that — a five thousand pounder, I '11 assm-e you, besides expec- tations. For my own part, the devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about me — ^but a whim, you know ; and then one would not baUc one's good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with us— he's one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You must know it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress ; ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my money ; but what of thab ? things are now brought to a bear- ing. I have — come a little this way — I have pro- posed marriage, and the day is Irxed ; she 's a charming creature, -wi-ites like an angel. Lord ! she can repeat all the English tragedies as well as e'er a player in Drurj' Lane ! and indeed is so fond of plays, that, to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre. But you shall see — you shall see — here 's the last letter she sent me. " — With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read, to the best of my remembrance, as follows : — "Bker Krbbtek,— AsyouarethoniiimnV.lc lioiijaok of niyooiitoiuplayshins, yourayrtear is itifcnially skim- niiiij; before luy koymerycal fanscc, wlien Murfy sends his impiiies to the heys of sliiiping mortals ; and when Febii.s shiiiCH from }iis ineiryiiyinK tlirone. Where- uiioii, I shall caiiseeif old wlioric time liaH lost his pinners, as also Cupid his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose in the loafseck harms of thy faithfool to commend, Clayue.ndek. " Wingar-yeard, Droorj'-lane, January 12th." ■\Vhile I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter ; at last he caught hold of my hand, and, squeezing it, cried, "There is style for you ! what do you think of this billet-doux ?" I answered, " It might be sublime for ought I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehen- sion." — "Oho !" said he, "I believe it is both tender and sublime — she 's a divine creature ! — and so dotes upon me ! Let me see, what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands ? In the first place, I .shall do for you — I 'm a man of few words ; but, say no more, that 's determined — whether would you advise me to purchase some post by which I may rise in the state ; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire to the country at once ? " — I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he coxild not do better than buy an estate and improve ; especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Tlien I launched out mto the praises of a country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that, although he had seen a grait deal of the world, both by land and sea, having cmised three whole months in the channel, yet he shotild not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle ; and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his proposal, and asked how soon he hoped to be happy? "As to that," he replied, "nothing obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready cash ; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of \ovax for a week or two, and I imfortimately missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear charmer ; but there will be a recall at Chatham next week, whither the ship's books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money." "If that be all," said I, " there 's no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days." — "Yes, faith ! but there is," said he, " you don't know how many rivals I have, M'ho would take all advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience of her ]\assion for the world ; the least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin all : and such ofi"ers don't occur every day." I acquiesced in this observa- tion, and mquti-ed how he intended to proceed ; at this question, he nibbed his cliin, and said, " Wliy, truly, I must be obUged to some friend or other — do you know of nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two ? " — I assured him I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. "No ! " said he, "that 's hard — that's hard. I wish I had auj-thing to pa^\Ti ; upon my soul you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt) ; how many .shirts of that kind have you got ? " — I answered, " Six ruffled and six plaui ; " — at which he testi- fied great surprise, and swore that no gentleman ought to have more than four. "How many d' ye think I have got ? " continued he. " But this and another, as I hope to be saved ! I da*- say we shall be able to raise a good sum c your superfluity — let me see — let me see — r 72 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT these sliirts is worth sixteen shillinfp! at a mode- rate computation ; now suppose we pawn tlicni for lialf-price, eifiht times eight is sixty-four, that's three i)0unds four ; zounds ! that will do ; give me your hand." — " Softly, softly, Mr. Jack- son," said I, " don't dispose oi my hnen without my consent ; first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters." He protested he hail not above one shilling in his l)ocket, l)Ut that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of as.surancc incensed me so much, that I swore 1 would not ])art with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him ; and as for the shirts, I would not pa'\\ni one of them to save him from the gallows. At this expression lie lauglied aloud, and then complained it was damn'd liard that I .should refuse him a trifle tliat would infallibly enable him not only to make his o^vn fortune, but mine also. " You talk of pa-\vning my shirts," said I, " suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson ? I believe it would fetch a gooa roujid sum." — " No, hang it," said he, " I can't appear decently without my hanger, or egad it should go." However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, lie at length unbuckled his hanger, and, sho^ving me the sign of tlie three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawni it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any likeli- hood of having my money otlierwise ; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker's shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. " Two guineas ! " said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger ; " this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings ; however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants ; " and accordingly, he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty .shillings, re- serving the other five for my.self. After looking at the money some time, he said, " Damn it ! it don't signify — this won't do my business ; so you may as well fake half a guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept." I thanked him kindly, but I refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration he stared in my face, and told me I was excessively raw, or I would not talk in that manner. " Blood ! " cried he, " I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend when he is in want ; 'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come. Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will ; if not, damn me if ever I ask it." ^Vhen I reflected on my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded ; and, after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jack- son, who offered to treat me with a play, I re- turned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning ; and at night imparted my day's adventures to Strap, who rejoiced at the good luck, saying, " I told you, if he was a Scotchman, you was safe enough ; and who knows but this marriage may make us all ? You have heard, I sui)i)ose, as how a countryman of ours, a joxinu-yman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. Ecod ! I say nothing ; but "terday morning, as I was a-shaving a gentle- at his own house, there was a young lady in ^om — a fine buxom wench, i'fiiith ! and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling-mill, and my hand .sh — sh — shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman's nose. Whereby lie swore a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. Omen hmid malum I Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only dif- ference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber uses it for the head. And as the heatl is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker ; for what 's the belly without the head ? Besides, I am told he could neither read nor write ; now you know I can do both, and, moreover, speak Latin. But I will say no more, for I despise vanity ; nothing is more vain than vanity." vVith these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle's end, which he applied to his forehead ; and, upon examina- tion, 1 found he had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress become a very smart shaver. I con- gratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he iinderstood very well ; and, shaking his head, observed I had veiy little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity. CHAPTER XVII. 1 go to Sitrgeons' Hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson — Am examined — A fierce Dispute arises between two of the Examiners — Jackson disguises himself to attract Respect — Is detected — In hazard of being sent to Bridewell — He treats us at a Tavern — Carries us to a Night- House — A troublesome Adventure there — We are committed to the Round House — Carried before a Justice — His Behaviour. With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, 1 preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart, to Surgeons' Hall, in order to undergo that cere- mony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went iip, and inquiring into the state of his amour, understood it was still imdetermined by reason of his friend's absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this place ; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed he might use the other ; and, with this view, he was to pass that niglit for a higher qualification. At that instant a young fellow came out from the place of examination with a pale coimtenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked aboiit him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with ; which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the (juestions tney had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner, we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot : at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble as much as if it had been the sound of the last trumpet; however, there was no remedy : I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of CTim faces sitting at a long table, one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 73 that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The tirst qxiestion he put to me was, " Where was you born \ " To wliicli I answered, "In Scotland." — "In Scotland," said he; "I know that very well ; we have scarce any other countiymen to examine here ; you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt : I ask you in what jiart of Scotland was you born ? " I named the place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of : he then pro- ceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I seiTed my time, with the term of my apprenticeship ; and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion ; swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons ; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend to sutticient .skill in my business, having seized so short a time, when every apprentice in England was boiuid seven years at least ; that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker, but their pride woiild have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary edu- cation. This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits, but, on the con- traiy, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarce able to stand ; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to nie, with a skull before him, he said Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the yoimg man ; and, turning to- wards me, told me I need not to be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm ; then bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied \\'lth my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation per- formed ; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head, and said, "What ! — upon a dead subject, I suppose ? " "If," continued he, "dur- ing an engagement at sea, a man shoiild be Ijrought to you with his head shot off, how would you be- have ? " After some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed for such an accident, in any of the sys- tems of surgery I had perused. Wliether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the cpiestion, I know not, but eveiy member at the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the animal risibile in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus : " Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what would you do?" I answered, "I would bleed him immediately." " Wliat !" said he, "before you had tied up his arm ? " But this stroke of ■\\'it not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him ; and who, with a pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers ; which he heard to an end, and then said, with a supercilious smile, "So you think by such treatment the patient might recover?" — I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. " That may be," resumed he, "I won't answer for your foresight ; but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed ? " I ac- knowledged I did not ; and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine ; but he stopped me, by saying, with some precipita- tion, " Nor never will. I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal." — "Pardon me, brother," says the fat gentleman, "there is very gooil autliority — " Here he was interrupted by the other, with "Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority. Nidlius in verba. I stand ujion my own bottom." — "But sir, sir," replied his antagonist, "the reason of the tiling shows — " "A tig for reason," cried this sufficient member ; " I laugh at reason,— give me ocular demonstration." The corpulent gentleman began to wa.x warm, and observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This innuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, ancl, in a furious tone, exclaimed — "Wliat, sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy ? " By this time all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the dis- putants, and raised their voices all together, when the chairman commanded silence, and orderetl me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour I was called in again, received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade me be- gone ; to this I replied, "I will, when I have got my change ;" upon which another threw me five shillmgs and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixijence to the beadles, and a shil- ling to an old woman who swept the hall. This disl3ursement simk my finances to thirteenpence- halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off', when Jackson perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend ; but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which was varied in half an hoiir from what I have already described, to a very gi'otesque fashion. His head was covered with an old smoked tie- wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper or a dustman ; his neck was adorned wtli a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button- hole of a shabby great-coat that wrapped up his whole body ; his white silk stockings were con- verted into black worsted hose ; and his counte- nance was rendered venerable by WTinkles, and a beard of his ovm painting. Wlien I expressed my surprise at this metamoi-phosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the advice and assist- ance of a friend who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage ; for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I apjjlauded his sagacity, and waited with impa- tience for the effects of it. At length he was called in, but whether the oddness of his appear- ance excited a curiosity more than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not ; he was discovered to be aa impostor, and put into the hands of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful counte- nance, and a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall as a prisoner, and Avas very much alarmed and anxious to know the occasion ; when he called Avith a lamentable voice and piteous aspect to me, and some others who knew him, "For God's sake, gentlemen, bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson, who served as surgeon's second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I 74 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. fill CO possible for the most austere hermit that ever lived to have refrained from laughing at liis ap- pearance and address ; wo therefore indulged ourselves a pood while at his exjiense, and after- wanls pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and, in a few moments, resumed his former giiiety ; swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend it every shilling before he went to bed in treating his friends ; at the same time inviting us all to favour him Tvith our company. It was now ten o'clock at night, and as I had a great way to walk, through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He con- ducted us to his friend's house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we continued drinking puncli, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome : I in particular was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench, at which demand Jackson ex- pressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire before we j^arted. Accordingly, when we had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roar- ing and singing ; and were conducted by our lemier to a place of nocturnal entei-tainment, where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, •with whom I proposed to spend the remain- ing part of the night ; but she not relishing my appearance, refused to grant my request before I should have made her an acknowledgment ; whicli not suiting with my circumstances, we broke off our correspondence, to my no small mortification and resentment, because I thouglit the mercenarj' creature had not done justice to my merit. In the meantime, Mr. Jackson's dress hjui attracted the inclinations and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with car- esses, in return for the arrack punch with which he had treated them ; till at length, notwith- standing tlie sprightly sallies of those charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all ; and our conductor called, "To pay." When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve diillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was cone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal at first ; but, after some recollection, he seized the two dulcineas who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore, if they did not immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out ; and then, with great composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore, if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her whores committed to Bridewell. " Robbed," cried she, " robbed in my house ! Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalized my reputation." At this instant, seeing the con- stable and watch enter, she proceeded, " What ! you must not only endeavour by your false asper- sions to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family ! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil )>erson, who has been guilty of a riot here ; I shall take care and bring an action against him for defamation." Wliile I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, the lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some rei)artee that pas.sed between us, cried, "They are all con- cerned ;" and desired the constable to take us all into custody ; an arrest which was performed in- stantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable in his turn with tlie land- lady and her whole be\y : upon which we were carried all together prisoners to tlie Round-house ; \»Iiere Jackson, after a word of comfort to us, in- formed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning liefore the justice. "Ay, ay," says the bawd, "we shall see whose oath will most signify." In a little time, tho constable calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus : " I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very Sony for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have kno^vn this woman a great wldlc ; she has kept a notorious bouse in the neighbourhood this many years, and, though often complained of as a nuisance, stiU escapes, tlu'ough her interest with the justices, to whom she, and all of her employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the i^reference ; and she can procure evidence to swear whatever she shall please to desire of them. So that unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions at the Old Bailey for your life." This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retriev- ing what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they would come to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on liim, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The un- fortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the sub- stance of this dialogue ; while the constable, de- siiing to speak in private with our adversary, carried her into the next i-oom, and pleaded our cause so effectuallj', that she condescended to make him umpire : he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent ; and he fined each partj- in three sliillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we dro'vsTied all ani- mosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned IBridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling, it was morning ; and I jiroposcd to move homeward, when the con- stable gave me to imderstand he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin ; and I cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. About nine o'clock we were escorted to the house of a certain justice, not many miles distant from Covent Garden ; wlio no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted liim as follows : " So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man — WTiat den of rogues have you been scouring?" Then looking at us, who ap- peared very nmch dejected, he continued, " Ay, ay, thieves, I see — old offenders — O your humble sen'ant, Mrs. Harridan ! I suppose these fellows have l)ecu taken robbing your house — yes, yes, lierc's an old acquaintance of mine — you have used expedition," said he to me, "in returning from transportation ; but we shall save you the trouble for the future — the surgeons will fetch THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 75 pushing us out of his office, locked tliu door, without deiguiiiK us another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our ex- pectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the lirst vacancy that should fall ; but that none of them relied solely upon tliat interest, witliout a present to tlie secretarj-, with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For wliich reason each of them had provided a small purse ; and I was asked what I proposed to give ? Tliis was a vexatious question to me, who, far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary, had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. 1 there- fore answered, I had not yet determined what to give ; and sneaked off towards my own lodgings, cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my gi-andfather, and the sordid avarice of my rela- tions, who left me a prey to contempt and indi- gence. Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account ; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he should never see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adventui-e, I told him I had met mth an acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, with whom I spent the evening and night, but being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a little re- pose ; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three o'clock in the afternoon ; and presented a figure to my eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out to- wards Surgeons' Hall, had inquired for me there to no puj'pose ; from thence he found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to eveiybody then present ; he afterwards went upon 'Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success. At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he met in the street, if perchance any one could give him information about me ; and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered ; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquii-ed after was not a Scotchman ? Strap replied with gi-eat eagerness, " Yes, and had on a browni coat Avith long skirts." " The same," said the black- smith ; " I saw him pass by an hour ago." " Did you so ?" cried Strap, rubbing his hands, " Odd ! I am very glad of that— which way went he?" " Towards Tyburn in a cart," said he, " if you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged." 'rhis piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half a farthing. " No, no," said the other, stripping, '•' I '11 have none of your money — you Scotchmen seldom carry any about you — but I '11 fight you for love." There was a ring immediately formed by the mob ; and Strap finding he could not get off honourably you from your next transpoi*tation at their ex- pense." I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life be- fore. To this declaration he replied, " How ! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face ? bo you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent which you have assumed ? but it shan't avail you — you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow's mittinms. His name is Patrick Gahagan." Here ]\Ir. Jack- son interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Eandom. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he valued himself much ; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce coun- tenance, put his hands in his sides, and said, " Who are you, sir ? Do you give me the lie ? Take notice, gentlemen, here's a fellow who aft'ronts me iipon the bench ; but I '11 lay you fast, suTah, I will ; for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.' My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and to complete his discovery, continued his threats — " Now, I am convinced you are a thief — your face discovers it — you tremble all over — your conscience won't lie still — you'll be hanged, sirrah," raising his voice, "you'll be hanged ; and haj^py had it been for the world, as well as your own miserable soul, if you had been detected and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take tliis man's confession." I was in an agony of conster- nation, when the constable, going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story ; which having learned, he re- turned with a smiling countenance, and address- ing himself to us all, said, it was always his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong im- pression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus having cloaked his own want of discernment imder the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a moun- tain had been lifted off my breast. CHAPTER XVIII. / carry my Qtmlification to the A'avy Office — The Nature of it — The Behaviour of tlic Secretary — Strap's Concern for my Absence — A Battle between him and a Blacksmith — The trouble- some Consequence of it — His Harangue to me — His Friend the Schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, ivho entertains me as a Journeyman. I WOULD willingly have gone home to sleep, but •was told by my companions that we must de- liver our letters of qualification at the Navy Office before one o'clock ; accordingly we went thither, and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them ; and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies ? to which inteiTOgation he answered, No. Then I ventured to inquire if any ships were to be put in commission soon ? At which question he sur- veyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and, 76 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against his adversaiT, quitted his clothes to the rare of the multitude, and the liattlo becan with great violence on the side of Strap, wno in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till, linding the barber quite spent, he returned the lilows he had lent him with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on tlie hard stones, gave out, and allowed the black- smith to be the better man. The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hanl by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he jierceivcd that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off ; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain for liim to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators ; he was fain to get of!' in this manner, which he accomplished ■with much difficulty, and apjieared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstand- ing this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his eiubraces. After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made liim repeat with great energy an observation which was often in his mouth, namely, " that surely London is the devil's drawing-room." As neither of us had dined, he desired me to get up ; and the milk-woman commg round at that instant, he went down stairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a comfortable meal, lie then shared his money with me, which amounted to eighteenpence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. He was no sooner gone, than I began to con- sider my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to choose and pursue some one that might jirocure me bread ; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber's boy. My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution of en- listing in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction ; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap's return internipted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together \vith an old hat, ■whose brims would have overshadowed a Colos- sus. Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by day : therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to a nioderate size. While he was employed in this ollice, he addressed me thus : " To be sure, Mr. Random, you are boni a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning — and indeed look like a gentleman ; for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the nest of them. On the other li!inon her daughter as her rival in the affections of Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my master, who woiild often say in French, " Mardie 1 r'est unbongar^onl" He had a great deal of business; but as he was mostly employed among his fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines was not great, for he was the most expert man at a succedaueum of any apothecary in London ; so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, Imake up a physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster shells ne could invent into crab's eyes ; common oil, into oil of sweet almonds ; synip of sugar, into balsamic syrup ; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni ; turpentine, into capivi ; and a hundred more costly prepara- tions were j)roduced in an instant, from the cheap- est and coarsest drugs of the tnateria inedica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner, as that it could not possibly be known. For which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service. Among many nostnims which he pos- sessed, there was one for the venereal disease, that brought him a good deal of money ; and this he con- cealed so artfully from me, that I could never learn its composition. But during the eight months I stayed in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it, that three parts in four of those who took it, were fain to confirm the cure by a saliva- tion under the direction of another doctor. This bad success, in all appearance, attached him the more to his specific ; and before I left him, I may venture to say, he would have sooner renoxmced the Trinity, notwithstanding his being a good Huguenot, than his confidence in the never-fail- ing power of this remedy. Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vege- table diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and dccrjing the use of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher ; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion ; and even the wife of his bosom declared against the jiroposal. Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid to her hus- band's admonition in this particular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not ; but this lady's passions became every day more and more violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an unnecessary restraint ; and one afternoon, when her liusband was abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, ordered me to call a liackney coach, in which she and the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o'clock my master entered, and asked if his -wife was gone to sleep ; upon which I told him my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a claji of thumler to the poor apothecary, who, starting back, cried, " Mort de ma vie 1 vat you tell a me ? My wife not at home ! " At that instant a patient's servant anived with a pre- scription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up ^vith his o\sti hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me whether or not his wife went out alone ; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than, with one blow, he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and, grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, "Ah, traitresse!" It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily re- lieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus : " I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear — Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat me with a play." " Play, play," replied he ; " oho, yes, by gar, I believe ver prettie play." "Bless me !" said she, " what 's the matter ? " " Vat de matter ? " cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, " l)y gar, you be one damn dog's wife — ventre bleu ! me vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu ! le Captaine O'Donnell be one." — Here the captain, who had been all the while at the door discharging the coach, entered, and said, with a terrible voice, " Damme ! what am I ? " Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, im- mediately saluted hiin with " Oh scniteur, Mon- sieur le Co'pitaine, vmcs etes un gallant homme — inafemme est fort obligee." Then, turning about towards me, pronounced with a low voice, " Et diahlement dbligeante, sans dowte." " Harkce, jMr. Lavement," said the captain, " I am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended at the civility I show your mfe." This declaration had such an effect on the apothecary, that he resumed all the polit- esse of a Frenchman, and with the utmost pros- tration of compliment, assured the captahi that he was perfectly well satisfied with tlie honour he had done his wife. Matters being thus composed, everj-body went to rest. Next day I perceived, through a glass door that opened from the shop into the parlour, the captain tallcing earnestly to Miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn ; which, however, he at "last found means to mollify, and sealed his reconciliation with a kiss. This circumstance soon convinced me of the occasion of the quarrel ; but notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them. In the meanwhile, I had reason to believe I hatl inspired one of the maids with tender sentiments for me ; and one night, when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took the oiiportunity of going to reap the fruits of my conquest, her bed-fellow having the day before gone to Richmond to visit her parents. Accord- ingly, I got up, and, naked as I was, explored my way in the dark to the garret where she lay. I was'ravishcd to find the door open, and moved softly to her bedside, transported with the hope of completing my wishes. But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be no other than the captain's servant ! I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind tlie wainscot put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety. Whether tlus alarm had disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know not ; but, instead of turning to the left hand when I descended to the second storey, I pursued the contraiy course, and mis- took the young lady's bedchamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake before I hud nm against the bedposts, and then it was not in my power to retreat undiscovered ; for the nymph bemg awake, felt my approach, and, with a soft voice, bade me make less THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 79 noise, lest the Scotcli booby in tlie next room should overhear lis. This hint was sullicient to inform me of the natui-e of the assignation ; and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good fortime. Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to this chai-mcr, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could desire. Our conversation was very sparing on my part ; but she upbraided the person whom I rej^resented with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had well-nigh occa- sioned a discoveiy more than once ; but I was consoled for her hatred of me by the revenge I enjoyed in understanding from her o\vn mouth that it was now high time to salve her reputation liy matrimony ; for she had reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse. While I was meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like somethmg heavy falling do%\Ti upon the floor ; upon which I started up, and, creeping to the door of my chamber, observed by moon- light the shadow of a man groping his way out ; so I retii'ed to one side to let him pass, and saw him go down stairs as expeditiously as he could. It was an easy matter to divine that this was the captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up at last to keep his assignation ; and findang my door open, had entered my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place ; but finding his mistake by falling over my chair, he was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and, for that reason, made off, delaying the gratification of his desires till another oppor- tunity. By this time I was satisfied ; and, in- stead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I forti- fied by bolting the door, and, in the cohgratula- ■ tion of my own happiness, fell asleep. But the truth of this adventure could not be lonrr con- cealed from my young mistress, who ;iext day came to an explanation with the ca|)tain upon his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and begging pardon for the noise he h^ad made. Their mutual chagrm, when they c^me to the know- ledge of what had happened^ may be easily con- jectiired, though each had % peculiar gi'ief unfelt by the other ; for she wa?^ conscious of not only havmg betrayed to me the secrets of her com- merce with him, but a^so of having incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. On the other hand, his jealousy sviggested that her sorrow was all artifice, and ths^t \ had supplied his place with her own privity and consent. That such was the situation ol- their thoughts will appear in the sequel ; for tha_t very day she came into the shop where I was. alone, and fixing her eyes, swimmmg m tear.', xipon me, sighed most pite- ously. But I ■«\'as /proof against her distress, by recollectmg the ep;ithets with which she had hon- oured me the ni§jht before ; and believing that the good receptioi^ \ enjoyed was destined for an- other, therefore I +ook no notice of her affliction ; and she had the niortification to find her disdain returned fourfold!. However, from thencefor- ward she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, kno-vvong that it was in my power at any ti me to publish her shame. By these means my life became much more agree- able, though I nevi gr could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocttymal visit ; and, as I every day improved in ipy knowledge of the town, I shook off my avi^ward air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecarj'. f CHAPTER XX. 1 am assaulted and dangerously/ wounded — Sus- pect O'Donnell, and am confinnf.d in, my Opinion — Concert a Scheme of Revenge, and put it in execution — O'Donnell robs his own Servant, and disappears — / make my Ad- dresses to a Lady, and am miraculously de- livered from her snare. One night about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting a i^aticnt at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me senseless on tlie ground ; and was left for dead, with tliree stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered, when I recovered the use of my reason, alanned the people of a solitaiy ale-house that stood near the spot wliere I lay, and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a man- ner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had iniu me through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my ribs ; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been dii'ected to my heart, the sword suappetl upon my breastbone, and the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad ; because it is not usual for sueifpeoplc to murder those they rob, especialTy when they meet with no resist- ance ; aiid I found my money, and evei-j'thing else about me (but my carcass) safe.- I con- cluded, therefore, that I must either have ocen mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had happened ; and as I could remember nobody who had the least cause of complaint against me, ex- cept Captain O'Donnell and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confii-mation. With this view, I went home in a chair about ten o'clock in the morning ; and as the chaiiTuan supported me into the house, met the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the surprise occasioned by- seeing me in such a condition. My master hav- ing heard my story, condoled me ^\'ith a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be carried up stairs to bed ; though not without some opposi- tion from his wife, who was of opinion it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My metlita- tion was employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire O'Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my misfortime ; when Miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin : upon which I fixed my eyes stead- fastly upon her, and answered, " Yes." She dis- covered no s\-mptom of confusion, but replied hastily, " If that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have him apprehended ? It will cost but a trifle ; if you have no money, I'll lend you." This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even stag- gered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have further proof be- fore I slioulil enterprise aiiytliing in the way of revenge. I thanked lier kimlly for lier generous offer ; which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined to ( rreive the person who attacked me to he a soldier, whose face 1 thought was familiar to me, 1 could not swear with a safe conscience to any i)articular man ; and, granting I could, my prosecution of liim would not much avail. This uncertainty I pre- tended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could Ije in a condi- tion to requite him. In two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so that Mr. Lave- ment made shift to carry on his practice without luring another journeyman in my room. The first thing I attempted towards a certain dis- covery of my secret enemy, was to get into O'Donnell's apartment while he was abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it an- swered the fractured part exactly. There was uo BOom left for doubt ; and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost j solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of I eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But ; this assault my honour opposed as a ^liece of barbarous cowardice, in which he w-as not to be I imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an honourable w-ay, but was diverted from this nndertalang by con- sidering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, wliicu did ■ not entitle him to such easy terms. At last J', determined to pxirsue a middle course, and actu- ally put my design in execution after this maimer. Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintances whom he could depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I I caused the following letter to be delivered to ' him by one of our associates in livery one Sunday j evening :— I " Sir, — If I may be allowcfl to judge from appear- ance, it will not be di.sagrccaMe to you to bear that 1 my husband is gone to Bagshot to vi.sit a patient, < and will not return till to-morrow niglit ; so that if , you have anything to propose to me (as your beha- I viour on many occasions ha.n seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present opportunity of seeing Yours," etc. This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary's wife wlio lived in Chelsea, of wliom I had heard O'Donuell was an admirer. Every- thing succeeded to our wish. The amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignation, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwith- standing all the eloquence of his tears and sup- plications. When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. 1 afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the Bkirts of the town, he was ]>icked up by the v/atch, who carried him to the Round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped up in a blanket he had borrowed ; for his body was so sore and swelled that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with, each other in their care and attendance of him ; but Lavement himself could not forbear express- ing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my gratification when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge ]>rotracted on the body of my adver- sary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause ; and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flayed him alive, but another al.so which I had not foreseen. The story of his being at- tacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day whither to bring them ; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost, except a few letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of the apothecary's wife. This and the others, which, it seems, were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian hero Avas one of those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal she has published, who, after having embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print. I was very much shocked on reflecting that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole family's unhappiness on account of the letter I had written, but was eased of that apprehension when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the jirinterfor defamation, and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery conmiitted by the author, who had disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to eu*<;rtain a different idea of it : for, as soon as the ^jj^mphlet appeared, I could perceive their care ot their patient considerably diminish, until at last it cuded in total neglect. It was impos- sible for him *<) be ignorant of this change, any more than of t^p occasion of it ; but as he was conscious to hini'.'s^lf of having deserved worse than contempt at *Iieir hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothe- cary, who, as he imagin'^d, having got an inkling of the appointment witli his wife, had taken revenge of him in the man ler described. By the time he got a new scarf sl;in his character was become so notorious that he thought illiigh time for him to decamp ; and liis ;etreat lie pcrfonned in one night without beat of dinuu, after having robbed his own servant of cverjiihing that be- longed to him, except the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his ONVii security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left ; and, as it was very heavy, made no question that the con- tents were suflicient to indemnify him for what O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elajised without hearing any tidings of this adven- turer, and my master being irnpatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his jn-esence, which ta.sk I per- formed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressibhi astonishment and mortification, a heap of stone.s. About this time my friend Strap informed me of an ofler he had to go abroad with a gentle- man, in quality of valet-de-ch.andire, and at the same time assured me that whatever advantage he nnght pro]iose to himself iirom this prospect, he could not bear the thought-^ of parting from THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 8i me, so much was lie attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this poor honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to bo tired of his acquaintance ; and now that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more credit- able, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of con- sulting his welfare, insisted \ipon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embi'ace with great reluctance, and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. I now began to look npon myself as a gentleman in reality— learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I ;had cured of a fashionable distemper — fre- quented plays dui'ing the holidays — became the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my decision — and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and ui)on whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes by matrimony, when one morning I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with a man. Heaven gave me patience and pre- sence of mind enough to withcbaw immediately ; and I thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future. CHAPTER XXI. Sqidr& Gawhy comes to lodrjc with my Master — Is involved in a troublesome Affair, out of which he is extricated hy me — He marries my Master's Daughter — They conspire against me — / am found guilty of Theft — Discharged— Deserted, by my Friends — / hire a Room in St. Giles's, where, by accident, I find the Lady to whom I made my Addresses in a miserable condition — / relieve her. While I enjoyed myself at l.'.rge in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his first floor to my covmtiyman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, ■who, by this time, had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his appear- ance, that I was afraid he would remember what had happened betsveen v s in Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punc- tuality now ; but, whether he had actually forgot me, or was williDg to make me believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cui-ed of my apprehension ; though I had occasion, not long after, to be convir.ced that, howsoever his exter- nals might be altfjred, he was at bottom the same individual Gawky whom I have already described. For, coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and, as I approachec"., perceived two gentlemen in custody of three v;atchmen. The prisoners, who were miserably c'iisfigui'ed with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs ; and one of them, whom, by his tongue, I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously, ofl'ering a gumea for his liberty, which the watchman re- fused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that he niu.st stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country was so strong, that I could not bear to see auyl)Oily belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman wlio had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly con- cerned. He was no sooner disengaged than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to main- tain the dispute as I should think proj^er ; and, indeed, I came off but scui-vily ; for, before I could avail myself of my sped, I received a blow on the eye from one of the other two, that liad well-nigh deprived me of the use of that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a company of footi^ads, and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient clyster and paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the bar- barous treatment he had undergone, while he took trwelve omices of blood from him imme- diately. "When I inquired into the particulars of this adventui'e, and imderstood, by the servant, that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing liim to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, to which, before that event, I had been so long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, 1 could not reflect upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the truth of the whole stoiy, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered. Accordingly, next day, after he had told, in the presence of my master, his wife, and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of my con- tused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, that he could not answer one word ; and the rest of the company stared at one another ; tiU at length my mistress reprimanded me for my iosolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption. Upon which Gawky, havtug recollected himself, observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his civility ; but advised me to be more certain in my '^onjec- tiu-es for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice of anj' man. Miss ap- plauded the captain's generosity in pardoning one who had so villanously asjiersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all disin- terested. But the apothecarj-, who, perhaps, had more penetration, or less partiality, than Ms wife and daughter, differed from them in his senti- ments of the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner : " Ah ! mon pauvi-e Roderique ! you ave more of de veracite dan of de prudence— bot mine Aife and dater be diable- ment sage, and Mons. le Capitainc un fanfaron, pardieu ! " This eulogium on his wife and daugh- ter, though spoken ironically liy him, was never- theless literally just ; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a junctui-e when one was absolutely necessarj-^ ; for the young lady, finding the effects of her correspondence with O'Donnell becoming plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so artfully into the affec- tion of this new lodger, that in less than a fort- night, on pretence of going to a play, they drove 82 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. away together to the Fleet, where tliey wore coupled ; from thence removed to a bagiiio, wliere the marriafje was consummated ; and in the morn- ing came home, where tliey asked her father and mother's Messui;^. The prudent i)arcnts, notwith- standing the precipitation with which tlic matcli was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation, for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned to him one eyllable on the article of her dowry ; and his wife was rejoircd at being rid of a rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. Nor was 1 without self-enjojTnent at this event, when I reflected Tipon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipa- tion. But I little dreamed what a storm of mis- chief was brewing against me, whilst I thus in- dulged myself. 'NVliatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and the re]iroac.hes I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, that he, it seems, imparted his indignation to liis wife, who being as desirous as himself to compass the ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover parti- culars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, wliich, had it taken effect as they expected, would in- fallibly have brought me to an ignominious death. My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and, in plain terms, taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, " By gar, your vord not be give me de satisfac- tion — me find necessaire to chercher for my medi- cine, pardonnez moi — il faut chercher — me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure." Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should make any opposition, he went on, " Oui, foutre, I charge you rendcz le clef of your coffre — moi — si, moi qui vous parle." I wa.s fired with so much resentment and disdain at this accusa- tion, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt ; and, pulling out my kcj^, told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for tlie injury my reputation had suffered from his rmjust suspicion. He took the key, and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family ; say- ing, " He bien, nous veri'ons — nous verrons." But what was my horror and amazement, wlien, on opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things that were missing, and pro- nounced, "Ah, ha ! vous etes bien venus — mardie ! Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent." I had not power to utter one word in my owni vindica- tion, but stood motionless and silent, while every- body present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The sen'ants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating, " Who would have thought it ? " My mistress took occasion, from this detection, to rail against the practice of employing strangers in general ; and Mrs. Gawky, after having ob- served that she never hail a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me earned before the justice, and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the stairs on his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement, know- ing the cost and trouble of a prosecution, to which he must bind himself, and at tlic same time dread- ing lest some particulars of my confession might affect his practice, cvronged me in my own countiy ; for wliich injury he, in a cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman. He knows, moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this to'wii, which I have recounted before ; and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth. For this reason, he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my nxin. And I am afraid, madam," turning to Mrs. Gawky, "you have too easily entered into the sentiments of your hus- band. I have often found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which 1 don't at present think proper to declare ; but I would not advise you, for your owTi sake, to drive me to extremity." This ad- di'ess enraged her so much, that, with a face as red as sc^irlet, and the eyes of a fury, she stnitted u]) to me, and, putting her hands on her sides, spit in my face, saying I was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice ; and that, unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as 1 was, she would not stay another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky, assuming a big look, told me he scorned what lies I could invent against him ; but that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death, by God. To this threat I answe'j^'ed, "I wish to God I could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punis^jing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid th'lp world of such a rascal. What hinders me this ffnoment," said I, seizing an old bottle that stood \by, "from doing myself that justice ? " I had no ^ooner ai-med myself in this manner, than Gawk^i' and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, tii.«t the one overturned the other, and tliey rolled fogether down stairs ; while my mistress swooned i? way with fear ; and her daughter asked if I intent'led to murder her? I gave her to understand that nt^thing was farther from my intention ; that I woi^ld leave her to the stings of her o^vn conscience, but was firmly resolved to slit her husband's nose, 'whenever for- tune should ofl'er a convenient oppor tunity. Tiien going down stairs, I met Lavement^t coming uj) trembling with the pe-stle in his hand.Und Gawky behind, armed with his .sword, jiushir'Og him for- ward. I demanded a parley, and liavilng assured them of my pacific disposition, Gawky c? xclaimed, "Ah, villain! you have killed my de^ir wife." THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 83 And the apothecary cried, "Ah, coquin ! vere is my shild?" "The lady," said I, "is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will a few months hence, I believe, reward your concern." Here she called to them, and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about him. To which request her father con- sented, observing, nevertheless, that my conver- sation was fort mysterieuse. Finding it impos- sible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately, and went to the schoolmastei-, with an intention of clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I returned witli a design of consulting some acquaintances I had acquired in my master's neighbourhood ; but my story had taken air, through the officiousness of the ser- vants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than ever : for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now ; but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected by a distemper contracted in the course of an amour, and my faitliful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where. The iirst resolution I could take in this melan- choly conjuncture, was to remove my clothes to the house of the person ■ftith whom I had for- merly lodged, where I remained two days, ia hopes of getting another place by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my character; but in this supposition I reckoned -without my host, for Lavement took care to be beforehand with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce hear me to an end ; but when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and, beginning with his usual exclamation, "O Christ !" said, "that won't go down with me. I am veiy soriy I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no man from hencefom^ard — no, not my father who begat me — nor the brother who lay with me in my mother's womb. Should Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor, and were the genius of Truth to appear, would question its veracity." I told Mm that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which re- mark he answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with joy ; "but till that shall happen," continued he, "I must beg to have no manner of connexion with you — my reputation is at stake. my good God ! I shall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor — people will say Jonathan Wild was but a tyi^e of me — boys avUI hoot at me as I pass along, and the cinder-wenches belch forth re- proaches wafted ia a gale impregnated with gin — I shall be notorious — the very butt of slander and cloak of infamy." I was not in a humoirr to relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses ; but, without any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situa- tion could suggest. I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous circumstances ; and with that view liired an apartment in a garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of ninepence per week. In this place I resolved to perfoi-m my own cure, having first pawned three shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion. One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing iipon the unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretclied on a miserable tiTickle-bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling-bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes ; but, good heaven ! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined ! Her deplorable situa- tion filled my breast with compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her embrace. She knew me immediately ; and, straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, wlxich I could not helx> increasing. At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced, with a feeble voice, " Dear Mr. Ran- dom, I do not deserve this concern at your hands. I am a vile creature who had a base design upon your person ; suffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours." I encouraged her as much as I could ; told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me ; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing Avith her. In the meantime, begged to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just re- covered, and said, I would endeavour by my skUl to prevent any more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, saying, "You are too generous ! — I wish I could live to express my gratitude ; but alas ! I perish for want." Then, shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity of distress must have awaked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion. What effect, then, must it have had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion ? I ran do\vn stairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist's shop for some cinnamon water ; while I, returning to this unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the- means in my power to bring her to herself. This aim, vsdth much difliculty, I accomplished, and made her drinli a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits ; then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to under- stand, that she was a woman of the to^\^l by pro- fession ; that, in the course of her adventures, she found herself dangerously infected with a> distemper to which all of her class are particu- larly subject ; that her malady gaining groimd every day, she became loathsome to herself and offensive to others ; when she resolved to retire to some obscure comer, where she might be cured %vith as little noise and expense as possible ; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an ad- vertising doctor, who, having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that ia which he found her ; that, except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or sold everythins 84 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. that belonged to her, to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her laudlady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street. After having moralized upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some money ; and assured her I would undertake her cure us well as my own, during which she should jiartakc of all the con- veniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledg- ment ; and I began to put it in practice imme- diately. I found in her not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated roy chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each), could be reduced to such an mfamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute, — she answered, mth a sigh, " These very advantages were the cause of my undoing." This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in these words : — CHAPTER XXIT. The History of Miss Williams. My father was an eminent merchant in the city, who, liaving in the course of trade suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age, with his wife, to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time I, being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Presby- terian, and who contined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that, in time, I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees con- ceived an aversion for the good books she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex, one of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, and learn to think for myself ; for which purpose she advised me to read Shaftesbuiy, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the books that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and, by compar- ing one with another, I should soon be able to form a system of my o\vn. I followed her ad- vice ; and, whether it was owing to my prepos- session against what I had formerly read, or the clearness of argument in these my new instruc- tors, I know not, but I studied them with plea- sure, and in a short time became a professed Freethinker. Proud of my new improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such suc- cess, that I soon acqiurcd the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proseljiie to my opinion ; but she no sooner per- ceived my drift, than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good oi my soul, to remove me immediately from the dan- gerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles. Accordingly my Jather ordered me into the countiy, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of my age ; and, by his command, gave him a detail oi' all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company and ])leasui-esof the town, 1 grew melancholy, and it was some time before I could relish my situation. But solitude became every day more and more familiar to me ; and I con- soled myself in my retreat A\-ith the enjojinent of a good libraiy, at such times as I was not em- ployed in the management of the family (for my mother had been dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural divei-sion. Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted my- self too much to poetry and romance ; and, in short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I re- sided. 1 had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father's house, when a certain drunlcen squire riding by perceived me, and crj-ing, "Zounds! there's a charming creature ! " alighted in a moment, caught me in his ai'ms, and treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I could ; and, in the meantime, opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another horseman came up, who, seeing a "lady so unworthily used, dis- mounted, and flew to my assistance. My ravisher, mad with disappointment, or provoked vnih. the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and, running to his horse, di'ew a pistol from the saddle, and fired at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and, with the butt end of his whip, laid him prostrate on the- ground, before he could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to the squire's breast, tlu'eatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I intei-posed and begged his life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to ob- tain a kiss. However, my defender thought pro- per to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty. Tliis courteous stranger conducted me home, where my father haviu.ij; learned the signal sernce he had done me, loaded him Avith caresses, and in- sisted on his lodging that night at our house. If the obligation he had conferred upon mejustly in- spired me with sentiments of gratitude, his appear- ance and conversation seemed to entitle hiin to some\\liat more. He was about the age of two- aud-twenty, among the tallest of the middle size ; had chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon ; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a cer- tain openness of countenance — but what need I describe any more particulars of his person ? I hope you >vill do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resem- blance of you ; and, if I had not been well ac- ([uainted with his family and pedigree, I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother. Ho spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve ; for what he said was in- genuous, sensible, and imcommon. In short, said she, bursting into tears, he was fonned for the inin of our sex. His beh.aviour was modest and respectable ; but his looks were so significant, that I could easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my acquaint- ance. We loaiTied from his discourse that he was the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 85 tho neighbourhood, to whose name we were no strangers ; that he had hcen to visit an acquaint- ance iu the coiintr>% from whose house he was retiiming home when my sluieks brought him to my rescue. All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations. There was so much of loiight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to the relief of a damsel in • iistress, with whom he immediately became enamoured, that all I hail read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked ■upon myself as a princess in some region of romance, who, being delivered from the power of a brutal giant or satjT by a generous' Oroondates, was bound in gi-atitude, as well as led by incli- nation, to yield my affections to him without re- serve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits, by reflections more reasonable and severe. The amusing images took full pos- session of my mind, ajid my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet iu the language of a despaiiing lover. Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance with liim ; to which request he replied by a compliment to hini, and a look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soiil received the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his visit ; and, as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me would be too tedious and im- pertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business to iustauate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This task he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through misap- prehension, that I might have an opportimity of clearing myself the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he hegan to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a veneration for the qiialities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament, admired the beauties of my person ; till at length, being fully persuaded of Ms conquest, he chose a pro- per season for the theme, and disclosed his love in tenns so ardent and sincere, that it was im- possible for me to disguise the sentiments of my, heart, and he received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual declara- tion, we contrived to meet more frequently, in private interviews, where we enjoyed the con- versation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He professed his honour- able intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity Avith siich an appear- ance of candour and devotion, that I became a dupe to Ms deceit, and, in an evil hour, crowned his eager desire with full possession. — Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace for a momentary gratification, which has entailed upon me such miseiy and horror ! cursed be my beauty, that first attracted the attention of my seducer ! cirrsed be my education, that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible ! cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due ! Had I been ugly, nobody would have tempted me ; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversa- tion ; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been so difi"used, that I should never have listened to the enchantments of one alone. But, to return to my unfortunate story : we gave a loose to guilty pleasure, which, for some months, banished every other concern. At lust, by degrees, his visits became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm. I perceived his cold- ness — my heart took the alarm — my tears re- proached him — and I insisted upon the jjcrform- ance of Ms pi'omisc to espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of finding a j)roper person to unite lis in the bands of wedlock. But alas ! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the utmost impatience ; some- times doubting his honour, at other times invent- ing excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring the least suspicion of Ms faith. At length, I understood from a gentleman who dined at our hoiise that this perfidioiis WTeteh was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. This infonnation distracted me ! the more so, as I found myself some months gone with child, and reflected that it would be impossible to con- ceal my disgrace, which would not only rain the character I had acquired in the country, but also bring the grey hairs of an indulgent parent with soiTow to the grave. Kage took possession of my soul ; I denoimced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me ! Then my re- sentment would subside into silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer my drooping heart ; I would revolve all the favour- able circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to the vigi- lance of a suspicious father, who compelled Mm to a match Ms soul abhorred, and comfort myseK with the expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any tenns of agree- ment. But how vain was my imagination ! The villain left me A^athout remorse ; and in a few days the news of his marriage was spread all over the country. My horror was then incon- ceivable ! and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father ob- served the symptoms of my despair : and, though I have good reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem igno- rant of my afiliction, while he endeavoured, with paternal fondness, to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, wMch increased my anguish, and raised my ftiry against the author of my calamity to an implacable degree. Having fur- nished myself \ai\v a little money, I made an elopement from tMs unhappy parent in the mght- time, and about break of day arrived at a small town, from whence a stage-coach set out for Lon- don, in which I embarked, and next daj^ alighted in town ; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against eveiy other retlection. My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myseK verj^ retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my character and situation 'might be the better concealed. It was not long before I foimd out the house of my ravisher, wMther I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the huiry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. Wlien I de- manded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to send up my name and business ; but this I refused, telling the porter I 86 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. had business for bis master's private ear. ITpon wbich I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my requfst. There I re- mained about a quarter of an liour, when a ser- vant entered, and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no longer ; I pulled a poignard from my bosom where I had concealed it, and, rushing out, Hew up staii-s like a fur}-, exclaiming, " Wiero is this i)erlidious villain ! could I once plunge this dagger into his false heart, I should then die satisfied." The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, but the company also, who, hearing my threats, came for^vards to the staircase to see what was the matter. I was seized, disanned, and withheld by two footmen ; and, in this situation, felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with Ids young wife. I could not en- dure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was treated ; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paltrj- apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent ques- tions relating to my condition ; and informed me that my behanour had thrown the whole family into confusion ; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to bedlam ; but my ladj' persuaded herseK there was more in my conduct than he cared should be kno%\Ti, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair ; but this, she told me, could not be done without her master's consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was con- veyed to my own lodgings in a state of mind that baflles all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage ; and I believe it is well for my con- science that Heaven thus disposed of my burden ; for, let me own to you, with i)enitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the father's infidelity. After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm ; when, one day, my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below who desired to see me, he hav- ing something of consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alanned at this decla- ration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways ; and before I came to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intrud- ing upon me against my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his business was with me ? Upon which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfac- tion and repose. As I thought myself sufticiently gijarded against any violence, I gi-auted his re- quest, and bid the woman withdraw. The stran- ger then advancing, gave me to understand that ne was well acquainted with the particulars of my story, having been infonned of them from Lothario's o\vn mouth ; tliat, from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a detes- tation for the author of them, which had of late been increased and inflamed to a desire of re- venge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct to- wards him ; that, hearing of my melancholy | situation, he had come with an intention of ofl"er- ing his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, [and forthwith take ven- geance on my seducer, provided I would gi"ant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to i-efuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not liave had a more instantaneous or favourable eficct than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a delirium of gloomy joy ; I hugged my companion in my anns, and vowed that if ho would make good his promise, my soul and body should be at his disposal. The contract was made ; he devoted himself to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced into my chamber, and assured me my perfidious lover was no more ; that, although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom, he told him, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by ray wrongs that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that remained on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as a recompense for the service he had done me. My imagination was so engrossed \vith these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and jdeaded his owTi cause so pathetically, that I was con- vinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. My bedfellow endeavoured to soothe, console, and persuade me that I had but barely done justice to myself. I dropped asleep again, and the same ai>parition returned to my fancy. In short, I passed the night in gi-eat misery, and looked upon my avenger -vith such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possi- bility of Lothario's recovery. It was true he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead ; and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these wonls I started up, bade him fly for intel- ligence, and, if he could not biing me tidings of Lothario's safety, at least consult his own, and never return, for I was resolved to surrender ray- self to justice, and declare all that I knew of the afi"air, that, if possible, I raight expiate ray own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere re- pentance and ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my preju- dice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inspired, and honour justified ; that now he had, at the risk of his life, been sub- servient to my revenge, I was about to discard liim as an infamous agent occasionally necessary ; and that, even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, it was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him of having failed in his undertaking. I assured him that, on the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be con- vinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scomed to take away the life of an adver- saiy, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his power. " Well, then, madam," said he, " whatever may have happened, 1 shall find it no diflicult matter to acquit myself in point of honour." And took his leave, in order to in- quire into the consequences of his duel. I was now more sensible tnan ever of the degrees of THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 87 guilt and misery ; all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes ; but now that I looked upon mj'self as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my imagination, which was inces- santly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At length Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, and, telling me I had nothing to feai', delivered into my hands a billet containing these words : — " Madam, — As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this liberty to inform you that the wounds received from Horatio are not mortal. Tliis satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the repose, as well as destroy the life of Lothario." Being well acquainted with this hand I had no reason to suspect an imposition in this letter, which I read over and over in a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like usui'pers, the most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting ; that ver'y letter, which, in a manner, re-established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could de- sire, introduced into the company of other kept mistresses, by whom uncommon deference was paid to me ; and I began to lose all remem- brance of ray former condition, when an acci- dent brought it back to my view, with all its interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers which I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention : — " Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house, in the county of , about the end of September, on account, as is supposed, of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of; whoever will give any information about her to Mr. , of Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded ; or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to tliink other- wise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, already weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow." This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave me life ; but, alas ! upon in- quiry, I foimd he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my imkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound melancholy, and considered myself as the im- mediate cause of his death. I lost all relish for company, and indeed most of my acquaintance no sooner perceived my change of temper than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or, which is more probable, cloyed with possession, became colder and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct, or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the sliaro he had in my ruin ; for I afterwards learned tliat the quarrel between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my impor- tunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my person, which, it seems, he lusted after, ujion seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my own simplicity ; uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of Horatio ; and, as I became every day more familiarized to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting. An old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathizing, visited me, and, after having condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation in encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me ; insinuating withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such encou- ragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide the profits of my prostitution accruing from such gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was recom- mended by this matron as an innocent creature just arrived from the coimtry. He was so trans- ported with myappearance and feigned simplicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for one night only, during which I behaved in such a manner as to make him perfectly well pleased with his purchase. CHAPTER XXIII. Slie is interrupted ly a Bailiff, who arrests and carries her to the Marshalsea — / accompany her — Bring Wit^iesses to prove she is 7wt the pet-son na?ned in the Writ — The Bailiff is fain to give her a Present, and discharge her — We shift our Lodgi7ig— She resumes her Story, and ends it — My reflections therexipon — She makes vie acquainted with the Progress of a Common Wo7nan of the Town — Resolves to quit that way of life. Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened than three or four terrible fellows inished in, one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus : " Madam, your servant, you must do me the favour to come along with me — I have got a writ against you." Wliile the bailiff, for so he was, spoke thus, his followers surroxinded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. This treatment in- censed me so much that I snatched up the poker, and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, ■without any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a composure of countenance for winch I could not account, to use no violence in her behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then, turning to the leader of this foiTnidable troop, she desired to see the writ, and having pemsed it, said, with a faltering voice, " I am not the person whose name is here mentioned; airest me at your peril." "Ay, ay, madam," replied the catchpole, " we shall prove youi" identity. In the meantime, whether ■will yon ho plenscd to be carried to my house, or to" jail ?" " If I must be confined," Raid she. " I would rather 1)e in your house than in a common jail." '• Well, well," answered he, " if vou h.ive money ennugli in your pocket, you shall he entertained like a Srincess." But when she acquainted him with er poverty, he swore he never pave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carrj- her to the Marslialsea at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no concern on her accoimt, for she knew how to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and, perhaps, gain some- thing by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well plcase(l witli her assurance, and when the coacli came to the door, oflered to accompany her to prison ; to which proposal, after much eiitreaty, sne con- sented. ^V^lcn we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and having demanded entrance, presented the WTit to tlie turnkey, who no sooner perceived the name of Elizaljeth Carj', than he cried, "Ah, hah! my old acquaintance, Bett I— I am glad to see thee with all my heart." So saying, he opened the coach-door, and helped her to dismount ; but when he observed her face, he started back, say- ing, "Zounds! who have we got here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried, with some emotion, " Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner, Elizabeth Gary?" The tunikev replied, " Tliat Elizabeth Gary !— I'll be damn'd if that's Elizabeth Cnry, more than my grand- mother. Damn my blood, I know Bett Cary^ as well as if I had made her." Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. "It maybe so," answered he, "but, by God, I '11 have further evidence that you are not the person, before you and I part." "Yes, yes," said she. "you shall have further evidence to your cost." Then we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her ac- quaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them together at a house in Bridges Street, Druiy Lane ; and as they were luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney coach, without hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced ; for there is an antipathy as natural between the whores and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordinglj', when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoncrvery affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked bow long she had been nabl>ed, and for what ? On hearing the particu- lars of her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of peace, that .she was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew ; but the liailiff, who was by this time convinced of his mistake, told them that he would not put them to that trouble. " Ladies," said he, " there 's no harm done ; you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends." This pro- l)0sal was not at all relished by the sisterhood ; and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool, as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine. Here the turnkey in- terrupted her, by alTirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as everwas tipped over tongue. " Well," continued she, " that may be, but was it the liest of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I have sulfered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail. At this rate, no innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity. But, thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress." Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailiff's name), finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed, and leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses against the old bitch, our landlady, as he called her, for having misinfonned him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who, calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. Tlie money was immediately deposited ; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one- half, and putting the other in her pocket, drove home Avith me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to ns, who were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on my back, ha\'ing been either pa^\Tied or sold for our maintenance before this happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our fii-st care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed the next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as pos- sible, until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to finish the story of her life, which she pur- sued in this manner : — The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practise the same deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good purpose. But this harvest lasted not long, my character taking air, and my directress de- .serting me for some new game. Then I took lodgings near Charing Cross, at two guineas per week, and began to entertain company in a public manner ; but my income being too small to de- fray my expense, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain taveras, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share my pro- fits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness, brutality, and disease. How miserable is the condition of a courtezan, whose business it is to soothe, suffer, and obey the tlictates of rage, insolence, and lust ! As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversa- tion of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked downstairs with disgrace. The messengers seeing me disagree- al)le to their benefactors and emi)loyers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find my- self almost totally neglected. To contribute to- wards my support, I was fain to sell my watch. THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 89 rings, trinkets, with the best part of my clothes ; and I was one evening musing by myself on the misery before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whithei" I rei3aired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an olti- cer, with M-liom I supped in a sumjituous manner, and, after drinking a heai-ty glass of champagne, went to bed. In the morning, when I awoke, I foimd my gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room. This circumstance gave me some uneasiness ; but as he might have retired on some necessary oc- casion, I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perjilexity rose up, and rang the bell. When the waiter came to tlie door he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing, with great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the cap- tain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, "How, madam! is he not abed?" And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window of whiclx he foiiud open. TJiroiigh this the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped dovm into a court, and escaped, leaving me to be answerable, not only for the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried of!' with him. It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself detained as a thief's accomplice ; for I was looked upon in that light, and canied before a justice, who mis- taldng my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me, after a short examiuation, to Bridewell, hav- ing advised me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confede- rate. I now concluded tlie vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflec- tion sunk so deep into my soul, that I was for some daj's deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends : indeed, there needs not a very extravagant ima- gination to form that idea ; for, of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always entertained of the in- fernal regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish, and impiety ; and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity v\dth the utmost rigour and inhu- manity. I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during wliich miserable intervals I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of every- thing about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings : I was not only destitute of neces- saries, but even of food ; so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance, to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft ; and my landlord re- fused to part with some of my own clothes, which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week's lodging. Overwhelmed -with cala- mity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to my grievances and life together : for this pm-pose I got up in the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep ; and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself ; but before I could adjust the knot, I was sur- prised and prevented by two women who hnd been awake all the while and suspected my de- sign. In the morning my attempt was published among the prisoners, and punished with thirty .stripes ; the pain of whicli, co-operating with my disai)pointmi'nt and disgrace, liereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstasy of madness during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pave- ment ; so that they were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mis- chief to myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the end of which I gi-ew calm and sullen ; but, as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the wealaiess of nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this critical conjunc- ture, a lady ^vas brought into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio : she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up her coffee- house among tlie hundreds of Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, an-ack, and the choice of half a dozen of damsels, who lived in her house. This serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice for the con- nivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of which her be^■y was dispersed, and herself conmiitted to Bridewell. She had not been long there, before she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a com- pliment of condolence, inquired into the particu- lars of my fate. While we were engaged in discourse together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account I had suflered, was taken; that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair ; for which reason, he, the master, had orders to discharge me ; and that I was from that moment free. This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an instantane- ous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present), hoping to find her ac- count in me, very generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her o-ftTi house, as soon as she should com- promise matters ■with the jiistices. The condi- tions of her offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits of my embraces. These were hard terms ; biit not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the ^Nide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her proposal ; and she being bailed in a few hours, toolc me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having foiTiierly disgusted my admirers by my reserved and haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition ; and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most wmning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thought of being eclipsed ; she therefore made a merit of 90 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. her envA-, and whispered amonf; the cusfomcrs that I was unsouiul. Thire needed no more to ruin my reputation and Idast my prosperity ; everybody shunned me witli marks of aversion and disdain ; and, in a very sliort time, I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satisfj' my malicious landlady, who, having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was arrested in her own house. Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff entered, not one of them had compas- sion enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt. They even laughed at my tears ; and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers in New- gate. At that instant, a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune ; wlien this wit advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire- ship. "A fire-ship !" rei>lied the sailor, "more like a poor galley in distress, tliat has been boarded by such a fire-ship as you ; if so be as that is the case, she stands in more need of assistance. Hark'ee, my girl, liow far have you over-run the constable?" I told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expense of the writ — " An' that be all," said he, " you shan't go to the bilboes this bout." And taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more con- venient harbour, where I oould be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece of generosity, that, lor some time, I had not power to thank him. However, as soon as I had recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me ; and we lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm. Having lost my benefacter, and almost con- sumed the remains of his bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails ; when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might entrap somebody to be my husband, who would pos- sibly be able to allow me a liandsome mainte- nance, or at worst screen me from tlie dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for what- ever debts 1 should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of whicli my com- ftanion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to ive with me in quality of my m.iid ; with the proviso, that she should be reimbursed, and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park Street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with silver ; and my maid acted her part .so artfully, that, in a day or two, my fame was spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me ; but I soon found them out to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I maintained, however, the apjiearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes of gaining .some admirer more for my purpo.se ; and at length attracted the regard of one who would have .satisfied my wishes ; and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our nujjtials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate friend to me ; which re- quest I could not refuse. I had tlie extreme mortification and surprise to see next night, in tliat friend, my old keeper, Horatio ; who no sooner beheld me, than he changed colour ; but had presence of mind to advance, and salute me, bidding me, with a low voice, be under no apjire- hension, for he would not expose me. In spite of tliis assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber, on pretence of a severe headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off wth his friend. Having imparted my situation to my com- panion, she found it high time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our landlady, but also to seve- ral tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our re- treat, therefore, was concerted and executed in this manner ; — having packed up all our clothes and movables in small parcels, she, on pretence of fetching cordials for me, carried them, at several times, to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night, ;when every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople ; but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions ; till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity ; not that I believed you had any fortune, or ex- pectation of one, but that I might transfer the l)urden of such debts as I had incurred, or should contract, from myself to another; and at the same time avenge myself of your sex, by render- ing miserable one who bore such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me ; but Heaven pre- served you from my snares, by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked, when she went to buy sugar for breakfast. The per- son in bed with me was a gentleman whom I had allured tlie night before, as he walked homeward, pretty much elevated with liquor ; for by this time my condition was so low, that I was forced to turn out in the twilight in the streets, in hopes of prey. When I found myself detected and for- saken by you, I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before. My companion, being disappointed in her expecta- tions, left me, to trade upon her own bottom, and I had no other resource than to venture forth like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgato Hill and Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rsige of hunger and thirst, wthout being so happy as to meet with one cully ; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to burj' my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I liglited on some rake or tradesman reeling liome drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal' treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour, though my soul was stung with resent- ment and disdain, and my heart loaded with THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 9t grief and afiiiction. In the course of tliese nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, tliat, in a sliort time, rendered nie the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, wliero your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death. So much candour and good sense ajipearcd in this lady's narration, that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of Avhat she said ; and expressed my astonisliment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little time ; for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years. I compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured hardships, 'tis true ; my whole life had been a series of such ; and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered ; but then they were become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the emer- gencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity ; she had been brought up under the ■wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her ; and, without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tor- menting, how intolerable must her reverse of fortune be ! a reverse that not only robs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy ! Of all professions, I pronounce that of a courtezan the most deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed, that, notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a pro- stitute as many others of the same comm unity. " I have often seen," said she, " while I strolled about the streets at midnight, a number of naked •vvretclifes reduced to rags and filth, huddled to- gether like swine, in the corner of a dark alley ; some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dress. And indeed the gradation is easily conceived. The most fashionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion as one in a much humbler sphere ; she infects her admirers, her situation is public ; she is avoided, neglected, unable to support her usual appearance, which however she strives to maintain as long as pos- sible ; her credit fails ; she is obliged to re- trench, and become a night-walker ; her malady gains ground ; she tampers with her constitu- tion, and ruins it ; her complexion fades ; she grows nauseous to everybody ; finds herself re- duced to a starving condition ; is tempted to pick pockets ; is detected ; committed to New- gate, where she remains in a miserable condition till she is discharged, because the plaintiff will not ajjpear to prosecute her. Nobody will afford her lodgings ; the symptoms of her distemper are grown outrageous ; she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the expense of her nose ; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends upon the addresses of the lowest class, is fain to allay the rage of hunger and cold with gin ; degenerates into a brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill. Misera})lc wretoli tliat I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me ! No," cried she, after some pause, " I shall never live to such extremity of distress ! my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, be- fore I arrive at that forlorn period !" Her con- dition filled me with sympathy and compassion ; I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with such care and success, that, in less than two months, her health, as well as my own, wa.s perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged ad- vice, a thousand different projects were formed, which, iipon further canvassing, appeared im- practicable. We would have gladly gone to service ; but who would take us in without re- commendation ? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold ; and this was to procure, with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for ser- vice ; by which means she might be provided for in a manner much more suitable to her inclina- tion than her present way of life. CHAPTER XXIV. 1 am reduced to great Misery — Assaidted on Toioer-hill by a Press-gang, vjho put me on board a Tender — 3fy usage there — Aly arrival on board of the Thunder Man of War, ivhere I am put in Irons, and aftericards released by the good offices of Mr. Thomson, who recom- mends me as Assistant to the Surgeon — He relates his own Story, and makes me acquainted with the Characters of the Captain, Surgeon, and First Mate. I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss Williams, who, a few days after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had wit- nessed in her laehalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit with a wine mer- chant, whose favourite she was, to set up a con- venient house of her own. Thither my fellow- lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand j)rotesta- tions of eternal gratitude ; assuring me, she would remain in this situation no longer than she should pick up money sufficient to put her other design in execution. As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I hesitated so long, that I found myself reduced to a starving condi- tion. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean as to go do^\•n towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I under- stood, had got the command of a small coasting vessel, then in the river, and implore his assist- ance. But my destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour ; for, as I crossed Tower- wharf, a squat ta^vTiy fellow, with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling, " Yo, ho ! brother, you must come along with me." As I did not like his appear- ance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company ; upon which he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began 92 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to drag me along. Not being of a humour to relish such treatment, 1 disengaged myself of the assailant, and with one blow of my cudgel laid him motionless ou the ground ; and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses ; and, after an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold among a parcel of miserable ^v^etches, the sight of whom well-nigh distracted me. As the conmiandin,;;; officer had not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow-captives, who was imfettered, to take a handkercnief out of my pocket and tie it round my head to stop the bleeding. lie pulled out my handkerchief, 'tis true ; but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure sold it before my face to a bum-boat woman ^ then on board for a quart of gin, with which he treated my companions, regardless of my circumstances and entieaties. I coraiilained bitterly of tliis robbery to the midshipman on deck, telling him at the same time that unless my hurts were dressed I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could .I'ustly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me " I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be damn'd." Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter season. In the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon, out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, adminis- tered by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put on board the TJiunder next day, where I should be freed of my hamlcuHs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder than I a.sked if he had be- longed to that ship long ? and he giving me to understand he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling ? ' ' Know \ Lieutenant Bowling," said he, — " odds my life ! and that I do ! and a good seaman he is, as ever .stepp'd upon forecastle, — and a brave fellow as ever crack'd bisket ; — none of your Guinea pigs, — nor your fresh-water, wishy-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling and I weatliered together. Here's his health with all my heart, v.herever he is, aloft or alow — in heaven or in hell — all 's one for that — he needs not be ashamed to show himself." I was 80 much affected with this eulogium that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman, in consequence of which connexion he expressed an inclination to serve me, and, when he was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a pl.ittcr, and liisouit, on which we supped plentifully, and aftorvvards drank another can of flip totjether. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great many exj>loits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by the ship's com]iaTiy, and pitied 1 A btim-lioat woman i.sone who sells liread, cheese, greens, liquor, anrl fresh provi.sions to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the ship. for the misfortune that had hajjpened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be inlormed was not so great as I imagined, for Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the sliip. Having, by accident, in my pocket, my uncle's letter, WTitten from Port Louis, I gave it to my benefactor, whose name was Jack Rattlin, for lus perusal ; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and desired to know the contents, which 1 imme- diately communicated. When he heard that part of it in which he says he had writ to liis landlord in Deal, he cried, "Body o' me ! that was old Ben Block — he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive Lieutenant Bowling would iiave had no occasion to .skulk so long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. — ^Well, well, we must all die, that 's certain, — we must all come to port sooner or later— at sea, or on shore ; we must be fast moored one day; death's like the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us all up." I could not but signify my approba- tion of the justness of Jack's reflections, and inquirqd into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle, which he explained in tliis manner : " Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good man enough, — besides he's my com- mander ; — but what 's tliat to me ? — I do my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's end. — Now the report goes, as how he's a lord, or baron knight's brother, whereby, d' ye see me, he carries a strait arm, and keeps aloof from his officers, thof, mayhap, they may be as good men in tlie main as he. Xow we Ijing at anchor in Tuberoon bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always kept a good look out, he made, d'ye see, three lights in the offing, whereby he ran downi to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep ; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lievtenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together, fore and aft, a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter ; whereby he told the captain that if he was not his commander he would heave him overboard, and demanded satis- faction ashore ; whereby, in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and after- wards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore; and so they, leaving their boats' crews on their oars, went away together ; and so, d' ye see, in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapp'd on all the saU he could bear, and had got far enow a-head before we knew anything of the matter ; so that we could never after get sight of him, for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have done him a mischief ; — for he afterwards caused him to be run on the ship's books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter." Tliis account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his character, and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that hatl subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day was, with the other pressed men, put ou board of the Thunder, lying THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 93 ;it the Nore. When we came alongside, the mate who guarded iis thither ordered my liandeuifs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier. This circumstance being perceived by some of the company, who stood upon the gang-boards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly oiBcc for me, "Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along ? Have we not thieves enow among us already ? " Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the ail-, told me that my seams were uucaulked, and that I must be new payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me if I coiild not keep my yards square without iron braces '] And, in short, a thoiisand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I could get up the ship's side. After we had been all entered upon the ship's books, I inquired of one of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship carried eighty gims), in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same midshipman who had u^ed me so bar- barously in the tender. He, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To this question I foolishly an- swered, with a countenance that too plainly de- clared the state of my thoughts, " Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair." I had no sooner uttered these words than he cried, "Damn you, you saucy son of a bitch, I'll teach you to talk so to your officer." So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple-jack he had in his hand ; and, going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sentinel placed over me. Honest Eattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomson, with whom I be- came acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had imdergone. Unknown as I was to him, he sur- veyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores ■n'ith great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not recollect my face ? Upon this address, he observed me with great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my name, which, when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and pro- fessed his sorrow in seeing me in such a disagree- able situation. I made him acquainted with my story ; and when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the cai>tain, touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to confront me. I recoimted the iiarticulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but since my being on board the shiji, part of which buing jirovcd by the evidence of Jack Ratlliu and others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement to make way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-anns to take his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed ; for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty than that of assisting his mates in making and administering medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. Thom- son, who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the ]ilace of his third mate, who was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to the cock-pit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the surgeon's mates ; and when he had sho^vn me their berth, as he called it, I was filled with astonishment and horror. We de- scended by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, wliich I understood was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal gulf than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, resembling a chandler's shop, where, by tlie faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale meagre coun- tenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This, I learned of Mr. Thomson, was the ship's steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark what each re- ceived. He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess ; then, taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board, by way of table, fastened to the after powder-room ; it was also enclosed with canvas, nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who lodged within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion, he entertained me mth some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above the table ; and, calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet. By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly depressed by the appearance of everything about me, and could no longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thomson's fortune since I had seen him in London. He told me that, being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rai)acious secretary at the Navy Office, he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in to'vvu, and had actually offered his service in quality of mate to the surgeon of a merchant's ship bound to Guinea, on the sla\ing trade, when one morning a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaint- ance, came to his lodgings, and informed him that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy Ofiice, for surgeon's second mate of a third rate. This unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be tnie, more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons' Hall for third mate only ; but, that he might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so. Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was de- livered to him, and the oaths adujinistered im- 94 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. mediately. That very afteruoon he went to Gravesend in tlie tilt-boat, from whence he took 8 place in the tide-coach for Rochester; next morning, got on board the Thunder, for whicli he was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham ; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the cheque. And well it was for him that such expedition was used ; for, in less than twelve hours after his arrival, another Wil- liam Thomson caifie on board, aflirming that he •was the person for whom the warrant was expe- dited, and that the other was an impostor. My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident — the more so, as his namesake had very mucli the advantage over him both in assurance and dress. However, to acquit himself of the sus- picion of imposture, lie jiroduced several letters, written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed a name which aid not belong to him. His comjietitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing him justice (for, to be sure, the warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent heat, that the commanding ofUcer, who was the same gentleman I had seen, and the surgeon, were offended at his presumption, and, making a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station. " I have been on board," said he, " ever since, and, as this way of life is become familiar to me, have DO cause to complain of my situation. The sur- geon is a good-natured indolent man ; the first mate, who is now on shore on duty, is, indeed, a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen are, but, in the main, a friendly honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no concern with ; and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight." CHAPTER XXV. The Behaviour of Mr. Morgan — His Pride, Dis- pleasure, and Qenerosily — Tlie Economy of our Mess described — Thomson's further Friendship — The Nature of my Duly explained — The Situation of the Sick. While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cock-pit ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, "The devil and his dam blow me from the top of Mounch- denny, if I go to him before there is something in my pelly ; let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a pell, look you, or green as a leek, 'tis all one." To this declaration someljody an- swered, "So it seems my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His fore-top-sail is loose already ; and, besides, the doctor oi-dered you to overhaul him ; but I see you don't mind what your master says." Here he was interrupted wth, "Splunter and cons ! you lousy tog, who do you call my mas- ter ? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my abilities, and more- over my behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman's (no disparagement to him) in the whole world. Got pless my soul ! docs he think, or conceive, or imagine, that 1 am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land, at his will and pleasures? (!o your ways, you rapscallion, and tell Dr. Atkins, that I de- sire and request that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for him if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, look you." At this, the other went away, saying, that if they would serve him so when he was dying, by God, he would be foul of them in the other world. Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the person Ave heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who was just come on board I'rom the hospital, whither he had attended some of the sick in the morning. At the same time I saw him come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately made him acquainted witli my case ; then he regarded me witn a vei-y lofty look, but without speaking, set dowTi a bundle he had in his hand, and approachmg the cup- board, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed in a gieat passion, " Got is my life ! all the pork is gone, as I am a christian !" Thomson then gave him to understand, that as I had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less than entertain me with what was in the locker ; and the rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. \Vliether tiiis disappoint- ment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought himself too little regarded by his fellow-mate, I know not, but, after some pause, he Avent on in this manner, "Mr. Thom- son, perhaps you do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect, look you, that becomes you, because you nave not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair. I have, in my time, look you, been a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king's taxes ; ay, and main- tained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your elder, and your jietter, Mr. Thomson." " My elder I '11 allow you to be, but not my better," cried Thomson Avith some heat. "Got is my SaA'iour, and Avitness too," said Morgan, Avith great vehemence, "that I am more elder, and therefore more petter, by many years, than you." Fearing this dispute might be attended Avith some bad consequence, I inter- posed, and told !Mr. Morgan I Avas very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference betAveen him and the second mate ; and that rather than cause the least breach in their good imderstand- ing, I Avould eat my alloAvance by myself, or seek admission into some other company. But Thom- son, Avith more spirit than discretion, as I thought, insisted upon my remaining Avliere he had ap- ]iointed me ; and observed, that no man possessed of generosity and compassion Avould have any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so \mjustly undergone. This Avas touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested Avith great earnest- ness that he had no objection to my being received in the mess ; but only complained that the cere- mony of asking his consent Avas not observed. "As for a shentleman in distress," said he, shaking me by the hand, "I lofe lum as I lofe my own powels ; for. Got help me ! I have had vexations enough upon my OAvn pack." And, as I after- wards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than Avhat Avas true ; for he had been once settled in a vei-y good situation in Glamorganshire, and Avns ruined by being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he \intied his bundle, Avhich consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese. THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 95 wrapped up in a handkercliief ; and, taking some biscuit from the cupLoard, fell to Avith a keen appetite, inviting us to a share of tlic repast. When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he tilled a large c\ip, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and drinking it off, told us, "Prandy was the pest menstruum for onion and sheese." His hunger being apjieased, he began to be in better humour ; and Ijeing inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigi'ee in a direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check Avhich I received from Mr. Thomson, enabled me to appear with decency. Meanwhile the sailor whom Mr. IMorgan had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription for his messmate, Avliich, when the Welshman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked if the man was " Tead or alive." " Dead !" replied Jack, " if he was dead he would have no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thanlc God, death han't as yet boarded him, but they have been yard arm and yard arm these three glasses." ' ' Are his eyes open ? " continued the mate. "His starboard eye," said the sailor, "is open, but fast jammed in his head ; and thp haulyards of his under jaw have given way. " ' ' Passion of my heai-t !" cried Morgan, "tlie man is as pad as one would desire to be ! Did you feel his pulses ? " To this the other replied with, "Anan !" Upon which this Cambro-Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his mess- mate, and keep him alive till he shoidd come with the medicine, "And then," said he, "you shall, peradventure, pehold what you shall see." The poor fellow, with gi-eat simplicity, ran to the place where the sick man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful coimtenance and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, " Mercy upon my salvation ! why did yoxi not stop him till I came ?" " Stop him!" said the other; "I hailed him several times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters ; so that he did not mind me." "Well, well," said he, "we all owe Heaven a teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example, and a warning, look you, and repent of your mis- teets." So sajdng, he pushed the seaman out of the berth. ^Vllile he entertained us with reflections suit- able to this event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few minutes returned with it f\ill of boiled peas, cry- ing "Scaldings," all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three plates, which, by the colour, I could with difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same com- position, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess with a himp of salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily, advising me to fol- low their example, as it was banyan-day, and we could have no meat till next noon. But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion ; and therefore desired to be excuseickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thomson to go Lelore, and rejtresent my calamity ; at which the first mate expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way tlnough the cable tire and by the main hatcliway, 'to avoid encountering me, desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible, for he intenderl to regale him- self with a dish of salmagundy and a i>ipe. Ac- cordingly I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found that I had more causes of com- plaint than 1 at first imagined ; for I perceived some guests had honoured me with their com- pany, whose visit I did not at all think season- able ; neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurrj', for they were in possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood.— But considering it would be much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should be multiplied and naturalized to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing since I left the service of Lavement ; and the second mate lent me an old bob- wig, to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being ended, and every- thing adjusted in the best manner my circum- stances would permit, the descendant of Carac- tacus returned, and ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the l^rine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it into a consistence with oil and vinegar. Then tasting the di.sh, assured us it was the best salmagundy that he had ever made, and recommended it to our palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthfulithan 1 thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured, with a deluge of small beer, to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Jlorgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain ya^vning began to ad- monish me that it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night ; which being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose w^as now arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or, in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, wliich hung parallel to one another on the outside of the berth, were immediately unlashed, and I be- held my messmates spring with great agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much at their ease. But it was some time before I could prcvaU upon myself to trust my carcass at such a distance from the groimd, in a narrow bag, out of which I ima- gined I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and, taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over with such violence that, had I not luckily got hold of Thomson's hammock, I should have pitched iipon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull. After some fruitless efforts I succeeded at last ; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in which I licliuved myself withstood all the attacks of sleep, till towards the morning watch, Avhen, in si)ite of my fears, I was overpowered with slum- ber, though I did not long enjoy this comfort- able situation ; being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst by it. This was followed by a dreadful summons pronoimced by a hoarse voice, wliich I could not understand. While I was de- bating with myself whether or not I should wake my companion, and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-masters, who passed by me with a lan- tern in his land, that the noise that alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain's mates, who called up the larboard watch, and that 1 must lay ray account with such interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I addressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were vi^ted and assisted as before ; after which visitation my good friend Thomson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the occasion, in- vited all those who had sores to repair before the mast, where one of the doctor's mates attended, with applications to dress them. CHAPTER XXVII. / acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a Warrant for me, and jnakes me a present of Clothes— A Battle between a Mid- shipman and me — The Surgeon leaves the Ship — The Captain comes on hoard with another Surgeon — A Dialogue between the Captain and Morgan — The Sick are ordered to he brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined — The {Consequences of that Order — A Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at Liberty by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks and pommels without mercy. While I was busied v^dth my friend in this prac- tice, the doctor chanced to pass by the place where we were, and, stopping to observe me, appeared very well satisfied M'ith my method of application ; and afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my for- tune, he interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring a war- rant for me, seeing I had been already found qualified at Surgeons' Hall for the station I filled on board ; and in this good office he the more cordially engaged, when he imderstood I was nephew to Lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the mean- time, I could learn from his discourse, that he did not intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him during the last voyage. While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not altogether without moiti- tications, which I not only suffered from the rude insidts of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours which I had re- ceived at his hands. About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon bidding me follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed surgeon's third mate onboard the Thunder. This he had procured by his interest at the Navy Office ; as also another for himself, by vii-tue of which he was removed into a second rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strong- est terms my gratitude could suggest, and pro- fessed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have re- commended myself still further by my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity did not stop here ; for, before he left the ship, he made me a present of a chest and some clothes, that enabled me to support the rank to whidi he had raised me. I found my spirit revive with my good fortune ; and, now 1 was an ollicer, resolved to maintain tlie dignity of my station, against all opposition or affronts. Nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolu- tion. My old enemy the midshipman, whoso name was Crampley, entertaining an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had suf- fered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad usage. And even after I had been rated on tlie books and mustered as surgeon's mate, he did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to sing a song which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment by obseiwing that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone ; I was not slow in returning 'the obligation, and the affair began to be very serious, when by acci- dent Mr. Morgan and one of the master's mates, coming that way, interposed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a reconcili- ation ; but finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to leave our difference ujidecided till we should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was greedily embraced by us both ; and being forth- with conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a very furious contest, in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley in the Hole and Tottenham Court. Many cross-buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, tUl at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head, hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and, pitch- ing upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. Morgan, looking down and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, " Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sin- ner, look you, I believe his patties are all ofer ; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war." So saying, he descended to the deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary ; and left me very little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but like-ivise in danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley. But this fear vanished when my fellow-mate, having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the state of his body, called up to me to be under no con- cern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the 05 humeri as one would desire to see on a summer's day. Upon this information, I crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thomson with the affau:, who, providing himself with bandages, etc.. 98 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. necessary for the occasion, went un to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the (lislocation. "When this was successfully iicrformcd, they wished me joy of the event of the cmnbat ; and the Welshman, after observing that, in all likeli- hood, the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade mo "praise Got for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it." I acquired such reputation by this rencontre (which lasted twenty minutes), that everybody iiecame more cautious in behaviour towards me ; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize the lirst opportunity of retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit. About this time. Captain Oakum, having re- ceived sailing orders, came on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of liis onsti countrj', who soon made us sensible of the loss wo suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins ; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our fast mate, according to cus- tom, went to wait on him with a sick-list, which when this grim commander had perused, he cried, with a stem countenance, "Blood and oons ! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship ! Harkee, you sir, I'll have no sick in my sliip, by God." The Welshman replied, he should be very glad to fmd no sick people on board ; but while it was otlierwise, he did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list. "Yon and your list may be damn'd," said the captain, throwing it at him ; " I say, there shall be no sick in this ship Avhile I have the command of her." Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treat- ment, told him his indignation ought to be directed to Got Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The bashaw not being used to such behaviour in any of his ollicers, was enraged to fury at this satirical in- sinuation ; and stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned to the deck if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the blood of Carac- tacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted l3y such a command, and began to manifest itself in, "Captain Oagum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage, look you, and peradventure I am moreover — " Here his harangue was broke off by the captain's steward, who, being Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degiee ; and this would certainly have been the case, for the indignant Welshman could hardly be hindered, by his friend's arguments and entreaties, from re-enter- ing the prtsence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his teeth. He was, however, appeased at length, and came down to the berth, where, finding Thomson and me at work preparing medi- cines, he bade us leave off our labour and go to play, for the captain, by his sole word, and power, and command, had driven sickness a-pegging to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured forth an ejacula- tion of "Got pless my heart, liver, and lungs !" and then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular pheno- menon, and saw by the looks of Thomson, who &t the same time shook his head, that he sus- pected poor Cadwallader's brains were unsettled. He perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mysterj* ; but, at the same time, bade us take notice that ho hatl lived poy. patchelor, married man, and widower, almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man nor mother's sou in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oagum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as I have already related it ; and had no sooner finished this narration, than he re- ceived a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed. This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be imi'ossiblo to caiTy some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives ; but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; ^Morgan observ'iug by the way that the cajitain v.as going to send to the other world a great many evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the caj)tain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king's provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon grinned approbation, and taking the list, began to examine the complaints of each, as they could crawl to the place appointed. The first who came under his cognisance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much, that he couhl hardly stand. Jlr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the Avorld ; and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, -w-ith orders that he should receive a round dozen at the gang-way immediately, for counter- feiting himself sick ; but before the discipline could be executed, the man dropped do^\^l on the deck, and had well-nigh perished under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to be con- sidered laboured under a quartan ague, and being then in his inten'al of health, discovered no other sjTnptoms of distemper than a pale meagre coun- tenance and emaciated body ; upon which he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain ; but being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic stitch and spitting of blood ; for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump, to promote expectoration ; but whether this was im- proper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know not ; for in less than half an hour he was sulTocated with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath ; but his disease being interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perspira- tion, and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immedi- ately ; it was in vain for this unwieldy -wTctch to allege his utter incapacity ; the boatswain's driver was commanded to whip hhn up with a cat-o*- niue-tails : the smart of this application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock shrouds ; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support it than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into the sea, where he must have been diowued, ha<.l not a sailor, who was in a boat THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 99 alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted ou board by a tackle. It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every miserable object that suttered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and sur- geon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatnres. Many were brouglit up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors ; and others, who were ordereil to their duty, languished a few days at work among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the number of the sick Avas reduced to less than a dozen ; and the authors of this reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had done to tlieir king and country, when the boat- swain's mate informed his honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock by the direc- tion of the doctor's mate, and that he begged Lard to be released ; atlirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore liim, and that he was as much ia his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately ; upon which Morgan protested with great fervency that the person in question was as mad as a March-hare ; and begged for the love of Got they would at least keep his arms pinioned during his examina- tion, to prevent him from doing mischief. This request the commander granted for his o\vn sake, and the patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits Avith such calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was inclined to believe him, exce^jt Morgan, who affirmed there was no tnisting to ajjpearances ; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him Avith his owm hands, and had well-nigh been murdered for his pains. This was confirmed by the CAddence of one of the waiters, who declared he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to give his testi- mony against him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop tu Kag-Fatr. This anecdote pro- duced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said, "Ay, ay, 'tis no matter. Got knows, it is an arrant falsehood." Captain Oakum, without any fua'ther hesitation, ordered the fellow to be un- fettered ; at the same time threatening to make Morgan exchange sitiiations with him for his spite. But the Briton no sooner heard the deci- .sion in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play tlie devU. with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac, as soon as he was released, fly at the captain like a fury, crying, "I'll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel," and pom- mel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate, and it was with the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among those who opposed him. CHAPTER XXVIII. Tli& Captain, enratjcd, threatens to put the Mad- man to death v:ith his own hand—Is diverted from that Jlesolution hy the Arguments and rcrsuasions of the f.rst Lieutenant and Hur- geon—We set sail for St. Helens, join the Fleet under the command of Sir Vhaloner Ogle, and proceed for the West Indies— Arc overtaken hy a terrible Tem2)est — My friend Jack Rattlin has his Log hroke by a Fall from, the Main-yard — Tiic Bcliaviour of Dr. MucL- shane — Jack opposes the Amputation of his Limb, in vihich he is seconded by Morgan and me, who ■undertake the Cure, and perform, it successfully. The captain was carried into his cabin, so en- raged with the treatment he had received, th;it he ordered the iellow to be brought before him, that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, liail not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing, that, in all appearance, the fellow was not mad but desperate ; that he bad been hired by some enemy of the captain to assassi- nate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the allair to the bottom, by which means important discoveries might be made, and then sentence the criminal to a death adequate to his demerits. This sug- gestion, improbable as it was, had the desired eflect upon the captain, being exactly calculated forthe meridian of his intellects ; more especially as Doctor Mackshaue espoused this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that tlie man was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help discover- ing, by his countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion ; and while he bathed the doc- tor's face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether he thought there wei-e more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memorj', to be taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile, we weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an op]iortunity, while the sentinel attended him at the head, to leap overboard, and frustrate the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first easterly Ayind to go round to Spithead ; where having received on board provisions for six months, we sailed from St. Helen's in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever- memorable expedition of Carthagena. It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being transported to such a distant and iinhealthy climate, destitute of every convenience that could render such a voy- age supportable ; and under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whoso command Avas almost intolerable. However, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow. We got out of the Channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard. But this state of inaction did not last long ; for next night our main-top sail was split by the wind, which in the morning in- creased to a hurricane. I was wakened by a THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. most horrible din, occ.isioncil by the play of the gun-carriaoard every minute. This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind ; however, as my friend Kattlin complained very much, witli the assist- ance of Morgan, I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after much en- treaty, ventured to come, attended by Thomson, with a box full of dressings, and his own ser- vant, who carried a whole set of capital instru- ments. He examined the fracture and the wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that a mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pro- nounced, with a woful countenance, " What ! is there no remedy, doctor? — must I be dock'd? — can't you sjjlice it?" "Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane," said the first mate, " with sub- mission, and deference, and veneration to your superior abilities, and opportunities, and sta- tions, look you, I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor man's leg." "God Al- mighty bless you, dear Welshman ! " cried Rattlin, "may you have fair wind and weather whereso- ever you're bound, and come to an anchor in the Road of Heaven at last." Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate's differing in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to him ; and, in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet ; at the sight of which. Jack, starting up, cried, " Avast, avast, damn my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore ! Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb ? Odds heart, if Lieu- tonaiit Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattliu's leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk." This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate's opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases, without any indi- cation of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thomson's sentiments of the matter, in hopes of strengthen- ing our association with him too ; but he, being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own ju(l,gmcnt, in a modest manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who, by this time, having consulted with himself, de- termineclly, wliieh tore out his entrails, and he fell tlat on my breast. Tliis accident en- tirely bereft me of all discixtion ; 1 redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the battle, and finding myself disregarded, lost all patience, and becime i'rantic; 1 vented my rage. in oaths and execrations, till, my spirits being quite exhausted, I remained quiet and insensible of the load that oppressed me. The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, find- ing tliat he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be imde- ccived by seeing their colours, and hailing the ship with whom he had fought all night, pro- tested he believed them Spaniards, and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on board the French commodore. Our loss amounted to ten killed and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died, ily fellow-mates had no sooner despatched theirbusiness in the cock-pit tlian, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan ascend- ing first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world, and calling to Thomson with great emotion, bade him come up and take his last fare- well of his comrade and countryman, who was posting to a petter place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. "No," said he, taking me by the hand, "you are going to a country where tliere is more respect shown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing upon pillows of puniing prirastone." Thomson, iilarmed at this apo- strophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting do\sTi by me, with tears in his eyes, in- q^uircd into the nature of my calamity. By this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their a]iprehension of my being mortally wounded. After I had got myself dis- engaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered into dis- course upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the authors of our miseiy ; but our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had re- ceived. The ellect of this information soon ap- peared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, wlio replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accom- pany us in our confinement. Thomson, foreseeing tiiat the whole slavery of attending the sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his opjiressors, declaring that he would rather nuit life altogether than Ije much longer under tne power of such barbarians. I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints by representing the subject of my own, with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude and sub- mission, till such time as wo could procure redress, which, I hoped, was not far off, consider- ing tliat we should probably bo in a harbour in less than three days, wlierc we should have an opportimity of preferring our complaints to the admiral. Tlie Welshman joined in my remon- strance, and was at great pains to demonstrate that it was every man's duty, as well as interest, to resign himself to tlie Divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at lil)erty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thomson listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his head, and left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he came to see us again, with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to understand that he had uudcrgono excessive toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us in a design of taking away his life, and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand, with an uncommon fervour, cried, " God bless you both," and left us to wonder at his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a deep impression on us. Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, this unhappy young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone overboard in the night ; and this was certainly the case. CHAPTER XXX. We lament the Fate of our Companion — The Captain offers Mornnn his Liberty, which lie refuses to accept — We are hrou'jht before him and examined — Morrjan is sent back into Cus- tody, whither also 1 am remanded, after a curious Trial. The news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me extremely, as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired, by his amiable disposition, the love and esteem of us both ; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thomson's death, although he must have been conscious to himself of having driven him by ill usage to that fatal resolution, but desired the ca])tain to set Morgan at liberty again, to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the cor- porals was sent up to imretter him, but he pro- tested he would not be released until he should know for what he was confined, nor would he be a tennis-ball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a drudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his tjTanny much longer with impunity, was willing to show some appearance of justice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter- deck, where he sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his counsellor, Mackshane, on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation: "So, gentlemen, damn my blood! many a captain in the navy woidd have ordered you l)oth to be tucked up to the yard's arm with- out either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of ; but, damn my blood ! I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to nialce your defence." " Captain Oakum," said my fellow-sufferer, " certainly it is in your power THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 103 (Got help the ■while) to tuck xis all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tuclced \ip than under£!;o the miseries to which we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth ; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon eartli, surely in heaven, that will punish witli lire and primstono all those who take away the lives of innocent people out of Avantonness and parparity, look you. In the meantime, I shall lie glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who accuses me." "That you shall," said the captain; "here, doctor, what have you to say ? " Mackshane stepping forward, hemmed s. good while, in order to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus : "Doctor IMackshane, look in my face — look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false Avitness as he abhors the tevil, and Got be judge between yoii and me." The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as near as I can remember : " I '11 tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be sure what yo\i say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you deserve to be acquitted in relation to that there affair ; for I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for my o"wn part, all that I have to allege is, that I have been informed you have spoken disresiject- ful words against yoiir captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king's service, without disparagement or exception of man, woman, or child." Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan replied, " I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand your mean- ing, which I wish could be more explicit ; but, however, I do suppose 1 am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay ; or if I am convicted of speak- ing disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no treason in my words." " But there's mutiny, by God, and that 's death by the articles of war," cried Oakum. "In the meantime, let the ■witnesses be called." Hereupon Mackshane's servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose. The first declared that Morgan, as he descended the cock-pit ladder one day, cursed the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying he ought to to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind. "This," said the clerk, " is a strong presumption of a design formed against the captain's life. For why ? It presupposes malice aforethought, and a criminal intention d priori." " Eight," said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney's boy, " you shall have law enough ; here 's Cook and Littlejohn for it." This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed he heard the first mate say that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more brains than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our discourse on the poop, was examined, and informed the court that the Welshman assured me Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed that there was an evident prejudication, which con- firmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum ; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronoimce that the captain and surgeon would be damn'd, unless he had an intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, " What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all aback, brother, ha !" Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, allhough ho abso- lutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting u)) to him witli a ferocious countenance, said, " So, Mr. son of a bitch, you conli'ss you honoured me with tlie names of bear and beast, and pronounced my damnation ? Damn my heart ! I have a good mind to have you brought to a court-martial, and hanged, you dog." Here Mackshane, having occa- sion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with hi.s wonted goodness, upon condition that he, the delinquent, sliould make such submission as the nature of the misdemeanour demanded. Upon whicli the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mo.gid, sur- rounded with his g-uards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Got a peast ; "but," said he, "I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and ty[-)es ; as we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox, so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and i'ury to a tiger ; therefore I made use of these similes to express my sentiments, look you, and what I said before Got I will not unsay before man or peast neither." Oakum was so provoked at this insolence, as he termed it, that he ordered liim forthv/ith to be carried to tlie place of his confinement, and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was touching the place of my nativity, wluch I declared to be the north of Scotland. "The north of Ireland, more like," cried the captain ; " but we shall bring you up presently." He then asked what religion I pro- fessed ; and when I answered, " The Protestant," swore I was as arrant a Eoman as ever went to mass. "Come, come, clerk," continued he, "catechise him a little on this subject." But before I relate the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that our com- mander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. "You say you are a Protestant," said the clerk ; "make the sign of the cross with your fingers — so ; and swear upon it to that afiirmation." Wlien I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain cried, with some emotion, " No, no, damn me ! I'll have no profanation, neither. But go on ■svith your interrogations." " Well, then," ijro- ceeded mj^ examiner, " how many sacraments are there?" To which I replied, "Two." "What are they?" said he. I answered, "Baptism and the Lord's Supper." "And so you would ex- plode confirmation and marriage altogether?" said Oakum ; "I tli ought this fellow was a rank Roman." The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by obseiwmg that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking if I believed in transubstantiation ; but I treated the notion of a real presence with such disrespect, that his patron was scandalized at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Wliereupon this miserable petti- fogger told me, there was gi-eat reason to suspect me of being a spy on board ; and that 1 had entered into a conspiracy ■with Thomson, and others not yet detected, against the lite of Captain Oakum : which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thomson and me whis- pering together, and could distinguish the words I04 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT "Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol." By which ex- pressions it appeared we did intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction; that the death of Thomson seemed to confirm this con- jecture ; who, either feeling the stings of remorse, for being enga<;ed in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a iliscovery, by which he must have infallibly suflTered an ignominious death, had put a fatal periorD.— I am so much opi)resse(l with the fatigue I daily and niKlitly tinderKO, and the barbar- ous usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from this miserable life, and before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life ; but if you cannot acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some rcg.ird for the memory of an unfortunate young man who loved yoti. I recommend it to you to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish all prosperity to you and sir. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respocts, and bi'g to be remembered as your uidiappy friend and countryman, William Tiiomsok." This letter was no sooner read, than Jlack- fehane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying it was a villanous forgery, con- trived and executed by myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I insisted on having the remains of it coinparc(l with other WTitings of Thomson which they hat in the cock-pit than in the centre of the earth, was lately in- formed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that part of the ship, by a cannon-ball from two .sinalf redoubts that were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers ; and therefore in- sisted upon having a platform raised for the con- venience of the sick and wounded in the after- hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above. The captain, oflended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusil- lanimity, and told him there was no room in the hold for such an occasion ; or, if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more tlian the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cock-pit for that purpose. Fear rendering Mack- shane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and showed his instructions, by whicli it was autho- rized. The captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless, he was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to give liim orders about it; but, before any such measure could bo taken, our signal was tlirown out, and the doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the cock-pit, where ISIorgan and I were busy in put- ting our instruments and dressings in order. Our sliip, with others destined for this service, immetliately weighed, and, in less than half an hour, came to an anchor before the castle of Boca Chica, with a spring upon our cable ; and the cannonading (which indeed was terrible !) began. Tlie surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on tlie deck ; and the cliaplain and purser, who were stationed with us in quality of assist- ants, followed his example, while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration. And, that the reader may know it was not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the parti- culars of this dreadful din that astounded us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty- four great guns, beside a mortar and small arms, in Boca Chica, thiily-six in Fort St. Joseph, twenty in two fascine batteries, and four men-of- war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our land battery, mounted with twentj'-one cannon, two mortars, and twenty- four cohorns, and five gi-eat ships of eighty or seventy guns, that fired ■without intermission. We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of tlie sailors brought another on his back to the cock-pit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the con- dition of the wounded man, and cried out, "As I shall answer now, the man is as tead as my great-gi-and father." — "Dead !" said his comrade, "he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I '11 be damn'd if he was not alive when I took him up." — So saying, he Avas about to return to his quarters, when I bade him can-y the body along with him, and throw it overboard. — "Damn the body !" said he ; "I think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own." My fellow-mate, snatch- ing M]} tlie amputation-knife, pursued him half- way up the cock-pit ladder, crying, "You lousy rascal, is tlus the churchyard, or the chiirnel- house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ship ?" but was stopped in his career by one call- ing, "Yo ho, avast there — scaldings." "Scald- ings !" answered Morgan; "Got knows, 'tis hot enough, indeed : who are you ?" " Here 's one,"' replieeen demolished by a splinter during our last engagement. He being informed of my THE WORKS OF TOBI4S SMOLLETT. condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that remained open within it. I embraced this proposal -with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, ■where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hencoop during the whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze ; notwithstanding which, my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recover}', even when I had the mortifi- cation to see, from my cabin windov/, six or seven throwTi overboard every day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am per- suaded, conduced a great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, wliich I could not helj) think- ing co-operated with the disease, and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degene- racy of the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic boluses, 1 put them in my mouth, 'tis true, but Avithout ai.v intention of swallowing them, and when he went away spit them out, and w'ashed my mouth with water-gruel : I seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus by a refusal which miglit have intimated a difii- dence of his physical capacity, for he acted as my physician, Doctor Mackshane never once inquir- ing about me, or even knowing where I was. Wnen my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate ; and, after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, recommend myself to Got and my Reteemer,then, taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual consolation to me ; but before he arrived 1 made shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my Lack. The parson having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus : "Mr. "Random, God out of liis infinite mercy hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of v.hich no man knows. You may be permitted to recover, and live many days on the face of the earth, and, which is more probable, you may be takeu away and cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins ; of this there cannot be a greater sign than an ingenuous con- fession, which I conjure you to make, ■without hesitation or mental rcseiTation ; and when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to wliich youth is subject, as swearing, cbunkennesa, ■whoredom, and adultery ; tell me, therefore, -without reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your conscience ; for no T)liysician will prescribe for his patient iintil he knows the circumstances of his disease." As I was not under any apprehen- sions of death, I could not help smiling at the chaplain's inouisitive remonstrance, wliich I told him savoureu more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in rccoimnending auricular confession, a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined. This reply disconcerted him a little ; however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was | absolutely necessary and what was only con- venient ; then proceeded to ask what religion I professed. I answered that I had not as yet con- sidered the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a presbyterian. At this word the chap- lain expressed great astonishment, and said he could not comprehend how a presbyterian was en- titled to any post under the English govemment. Tlien he asked if I had ever received the sacra-, ment, or taken the oaths, to which questions I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no ser\'ice, wished I might not be in a state of reprobation, and re- turned to his messmates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo * and wine. This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an eflcct upon me as the fever, whirh, soon after he had left me, grew out- rageous ; I began to see strange chimeras, and concluded myself on the point of becoming deli- rious. In the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to jilunge myself into the sea ; and as my friend the Serjeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some pur- pose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my tliigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my ham- mock. The appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and resolution enough to take advantage of this favourable sjTnptom by tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and WTapping myself in a thick blanket, in which enclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the pains of hell ; but it was not long before I ■was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours relieved me from nil my complaints, except that of wealcness, and left me as hungiy as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the agi-eeablt reverie of my future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the serjeant if I was alive still? "Alive!" cried the other, " God forbid he should be otherwise ! lie has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him great sen'ice." " Ay," said my fellow-mate, " he sleeps so sound, look you, that he will never waken till the great trump blows. Got be merciful to his soul ! He has paid his debt like an honest mau. Ay, and moreover he is at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afUictions, of which, Got knows, and I kno'w, he had liis own share. Ochree ! Ocliree ! he was a promising youth indeed." So saying, he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a mauner as persuaded me he had a I'eal friendship for me. The serjeant, alanued at his words, came into the berth, and while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink ; he immediately guessed my meaning, and, remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead, whereupon he ap])roached ■with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with the sight of the object. And I coimterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes, and dropping my under jaw, that he said, "There he lies, no petter than a limip of clay, Got help me ; " and obsen'ed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth ; upon 1 Bumbo is a. liriuor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmei;. THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. which I suddenly snapped at his fingers, and dis- composed him so mucli tliat he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared lilt the effluvia of tobacCo, which is a cephalic, odori- ferous, aromatic herb, and he is a son of a moun- tain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a monster, let that be as it is : I am as Got was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall aver of him who gave me that title ; for I will proclaim it before ^the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, and trans- mogiified with affectation and wliimsies, and that be is more like a papoou than one of the human race." CHAPTER XXXV. Captain Whiffle sends for me — His situation de- scribed — His Surgeon arrives, jirescribes for him, and puts him to Bed — A lied is jtut up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the Slate Room, which, with other jMrts of the Captain's be- haviour, gives the Ship's Company a very unfavourable idea of their Commander — / am detained in the West Indies by the Admiral, and go on board of the Lizard Sloop of War in quality of Surgeon's Mate, where I make my- self known to the Surgeon, who treats me very kindly — / go on Shore, sell my Ticket, pur- chase Necessaries, and, at my return on Board, am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed Lieutenant of the Sloop — We sail on a Cruise — Take a Prize, in v;hich I arrive at Port Morant, under the Command of my Mess- mate, with whom I live in great Harmony. He was going on with an eulogium upon the cap- tain, wlieu I received a message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin ; and with this com- mand I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rose-water from the medicine chest. When I entered the room I was ordered to stand by the eing shipwrecked. Hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her that I had been bound apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea; that I and four more, avIio chanced to be on deck when she went ^lo^\^l, made shift to swim to the shore, when my com- panions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own de- fence. Then I rehiled the circumstances of my being found in a bam, with the inhuman treat- ment I met with from the country people and parson ; the description of which, I perceived, drew tears from the charming creature's eyes ! When I had finished my recital, my mistress said, "Ma foil le gar^oJi est Men Jait!" To which opinion Narcissa assented, with a compli- ment to my iindcrstanding in the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely. The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young squire, whom my lady inquired after umler the title of the Savage ; and was in- formed by her niece that he was still in bed, re- pairing the fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox- chase to-morrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion ; so that, by day- break, the whole hoiLse would l)e in an uproar. This was a very disagreeable ])iece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would stufl' her ears -with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be disturbed and dis- tracted by the clamour of the brutes. When their dinner was over, I and my fellow- servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcis.sa a match had been projected Ijy her brothor, who promised at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister ; by which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for, and their brothers be never the poorer ; but that the ladies did not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This infor- mation begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart for his presumption. Next moniing, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I arose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose accomplishments, the estate excluded, did not seem brilliant enough to give me much un- easiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered mj'self, was not to be won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind. Jly mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed bj' her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five o'clock in the afternoon ; so that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which examination 1 was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of her own poetry, con- sisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, •vsithout constancy or capacity to bring to any degi-ee of composition. But, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her perfonnances. I counted frag- ments of five tragedies, the titles of which were, "The Stem Philosopher" — "The Double Mur- der" — The Sacrilegious Traitor" — "The Fall of Lucifer" — and "The Last Day." From whence I gathered that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of horror. Her library was composed of the best English historians, poets, and philosophers, of all the French critics and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, translations of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin ; a circum- stance that discovered her ignorance in these languages. After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and, at the usual time, was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually be- lieved herself a hare beset by the hunters ; and begged a few greens to munch for breakfa.st. When I expressed my surprise at this unac- countable imagination, she gave me to under- stand that her lady was very much subject to whims of this nature ; sometunes fancying her- self an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented a beast ; for that, lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face in a teirible manner ; that, some months ago, she prophesied the general con- flagration was at hand, and nothing would bo able to quench it but her water, which, therefore, she kept so long that her life was in danger ; and she must needs have died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to make her evacu- ate, by kintUing a lioufire under her chamber window, and persuading her that the house was in flames ; upon which, with great deliberation, THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 121 she hade them bring all the tiihs and vessels Ihey could lind, to bo lilied, lor llie pvescrvalion of the house, into one of whicli she immediately discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed that nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music, which was always administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she, the maid, was just then going to intimate her aunt's disorder. She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady's chamber, where I found lier sitting squat on her hams on the floor, in the manner of puss v/hen she listens to the out- cries of her pursuers. When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprung to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the staircase met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress. She said not a word, but, smiling with imspeakable grace, went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished with the effects of her skill. SJie accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the sur^jrising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace and sober reflection. About seven o'clock the hunters anived, with the skins of two foxes and one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success. And, when they were about to sit dowai to dinner or sujiper. Sir Timothy Thicket desired that Nar- cissa would honour the table with her presence. But this request, notwithstanding her brother's threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her aunt, who was indisposed ; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival morti- fied. But this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured, that, after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether de- tached from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my sta- tion was, I became blind to my o\vn unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability greatly encom\igcd these presumj)tuous thoughts. CHAPTER XL. My Mistress is surprised at my Learninr/ — Cora- municales her l-'er/ormanccs to vie — I impart some of mine to her — Am mortified at her Faint Praise — Narcissa approves of my Conduct — 1 gain an involuntary Conquest over the Cook- maid and Dairy -maid — Their mutual Resent- ment and Insinuations — The Jealousy of their Lovers. During this season of love and tranquillity, my Muse, which had lain dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my flame ; but, as it concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my real cha- racter and sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own perusal and applause. In the meantime 1 strove to insinuate myself into tlio good opinion of both ladies ; an While the fond mother's cries regale mine ear. ) I fight, I vanquish, nmrder friends and foes ; Nor dare th' immortal gods my rage oppose. Though I did great %'iolence to my understand- ing in praising this unnatural rhapsody, I never- theless extolled it as a production that of itself •deserved immortal fame ; and besought her lady- ship to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency, and, encouraged by the incense I had offered, •communicated all her poetical works, which I applauded one by one, with as little candour as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which, I hope, my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn ; and, therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that, doubtless, I must have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to see. This ■«-as a temptation I could by no means resist. I o^vned that, while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in love, and at her request repeated the following verses, wliich indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired : — ON CELIA, PI.AYISO OS THE HARPSICHORD AXD SISOtSO. ■Wlien Sappho struck the quiv'ring wire, The thruhMng breast was all on tire; And, when slie raised the vocal lay, The caijtive soul was charm'd away. But had the nymph possess'd with these, Thy softer, chaster power to please : Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth, Thy native smiles of artless truth ; The worm of grief had never prey'd On the forsaken love-sick maid ; Nor had she mouni'd an hai)less flame, Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame. My mistress paid me a cold compliment on my versification, which, she said, was elegant ■enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her indiffer- ■ence, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation ; but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge of these matters ; so that I was forced to retire, very much balked in my e.xpectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid as.sured me that Narcissa had expressed her approliation of my performance with great warmth, and de- sired her to procure a copy of it, as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to au extra- vagant pitch at this intelligence, and immedi- ately transcribed a fair copy of my ode, whicli ■was carried to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows : — Thy fatal shafts unerring move ; I bow before thine altar, lAiVc ! I feel thy soft resistless flame Glide swift through all my vital frame I For while I gaze my bnsom glows, My blood in tides impetuous flows ; Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll. And lliwds of trausjmrt 'whelm my souL My falt'ring tongue attempts in vain. In soothing muniiurs ti> complain ; My tiiiigue some secret magic ties ; My nmrmurs siuk in broken sighs ! Conderan'd to nurse eternal care, And ever drop the silent tear. Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh. Unfriended live, unpity'd die. Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion I could not learn from her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me, was henceforth more reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cook- wench and dairy-maid, who oecame so jealous of each other, that, if their sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel to be avenged of her rival ; but, as their minds were happily adapted to their humble sta- tion, their mutual enmity was confined to scold- ing and fisty-cufl"s, in which exercises they were both w^ell-skilled. My good fortune did not long remain a secret, for it was disclosed by the fre- quent broils of these heroines, who kept no de- corum in their encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my suc- cess, laid their heads together, in order to con- cert a plan of revenge ; and the former having been educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, tmdertook to challenge me to single com- bat. He accordinglj', with many opprobrious invectives, bade me defiance, and offered to box me for twenty guineas. I told him that although I believed myself a match for him, even at that work, I would not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter ; but if he had anything to say to me, I was his man at l)lunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle ; nay, I swore, that, should he give his tongue any more saucy liberties at my expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony. This rhodomon- tade, delivered with a stern countenance and resolute tone, had the desired efi"ect upon my an- tagonist, who, with some confusion, sneaked oft", and gave his friend au account of his reception. The story taking air among the servants, pro- cured for me the title of Gentleman John, with wliich I was sometimes lionotired, even by my mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queans expressed their passion by all the ways in their power : the cook entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with strokings ; the first would often encourage me to declare myself by complimenting me upon my courage and learning, and observing, that if she liad a husband like me, to maintain order and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money by setting up an eating-house in Lon- don, for gentlemen's servants on board wages. The other courted my affection by showing her own importance, and telling me that many a sub- stantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her ; but she was resolved to please her eye, if she should plague her heart. Then she would launch out into the praise of my proper THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 123 person, and say she was sure I would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I began to be uneasy at tlie importunities of these inamoratas, whom, at another time, perhaps, I miglit have pleased without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony ; but at present my whole soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the thoughts of doing anything derogatory of the passion I entertained for her. CHAPTER XLI. Narcissa, teing in Banger from, the Brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued by me, who revenge myself on my Rival — / declare my Pass-ion, and retreat to the Sea-side — A^n surrounded hy Smugglers, and carried to Boulogne — Find my Uncle, Lieutenant Boioling, in great Dis- tress, and relieve hitn — Our Conversation. At certain intervals my ambition would revive ; I would despise myself for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I thought myself entitled by birth and •education. In these fruitless suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had already re- mained eight months in the station of a foot- man, when an accident happened that put an end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes of succeeding in my love. Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother, within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who, having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use some imbe- coming familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was incensed at his rude be- haviour, for which she reproached him in such a manner that he lost all regard to decency, and actually offered violence to this pattern of inno- ■cence and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be violated, and sent me, who, passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with her cries, to her succour. What were the emotions of my soul when I beheld Nar- cissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr ! I flew like lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me, quitted his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear ; so that, rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my cudgel so successfully that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and, sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom, while, \vith my hand aroimd her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy at feeling "the object of my dearest wishes within my arms ; and while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from apply- ing my cheek to hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time the blood began to revisit her face ; she opened her enchanting eyes, and, having re- collected her late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment, "Dear John, I am eternally obliged to you ! " So saying, she made an effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted by this opportimity to declare my passion, but the dread of disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had not moved an hxmdred paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy riso and walk homeward ; a circumstance which, tliough it gave me some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found myself in no condition to with- stand ; especially when I considered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could justify himself for what ho had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without any fear of offence. When we arrived at the house, Nar- cissa assured me she would exert all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service I had done her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love to incur the least suspicion of being mer- cenary, and refused the present, by saying I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed : I felt the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken accent, told her I had one request to make, which, if her generosity would grant, I should thinlc myself fully recom- pensed for an age of misery. She changed colour at this preamble, and, with great confusion, re- plied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking anythuig she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out ; I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing it with my tears, cried, " Dear !Madam, I am an imfortunate gentleman, and love you to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than make this declara- tion under such a servile appearance, were I not determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching presence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal silence." With these words I rose and went away, before she could recover her spirits so far as to make any reply. My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had maintained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern, condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the country, as being perfectly well acquainted ^vith the barbarous disposition of my rival, "who by this time," said she, "has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed I cannot see how you will be able to elude his vengeance ; being him- self La the commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending you ; and as almost all the people in this comity are dependent on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter among them. If you should be ap- prehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly languish in great misery tQl the next assizes, and then be transported for assault- ing a magistrate." While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door, which threw us both into consternation, as, in all probability, it was occasioned by my pursuers : whereupon this generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bade me for God's sake to get out at the back door, and consxdt my safety as Providence should direct me. There was no time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night to the sea-side, where, while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and feet, bade me make no noiso. 124 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. on pain of bein;^ shot, and carried mo on board of a vessel, •which I soon perceived to be a smug- elinp cutter. This discover^' gave me some satis- faction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the resentment of Sir Timothy. But when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for a year's imprison- ment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me to protest my innocence. I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to theh- haunt, at such an hour, merely for my o\vn amusement ; and I did not think it my in- terest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was afraid they would liave nfade their peace with justice, by sunx'udering me to the penalty of the law. Wiat confirmed their sus- picion was the appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave them chase, and had well-nigh made a prize of the vessel ; when they were de- livered from their fears by a thick fog. which effectually screened them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne. B»t before they got out of sight of their pui-suer, they held a council of war about me ; and some of the most ferocious among them would have thro'ftTi me overboard, as a traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies ; but others, more considerate, alleged that if they put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It was therefore determined by a plui'ality of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to find my passage back to England as I should think proper, this being punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital. Although this favour- able determination gave me great pleasure, the ajiprehension of being robbed would not sufler me to be perfectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in consequence of the foresaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they might not be tempted to make any further inquirj\ This was a verj' necessary precaution ; for when ■we came within sight of the French shore, one of the smugglers told me I must pay for my passage. To tiiis declaration I rejilied that my passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they could not expect a reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force. "Damme!" said the outlaw, "none of yom- palaver ; but let me see what money you have got." So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents. Then casting an eye at my hat and wig, which capti- v.ated his fancy, he took them off, and clapping his own on my liead, declared that a fair exchange ■was no robbery. I was fain to put up with the bargain, which was by no means favourable to me ; and a little while after we went all on shore together. I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes ■without much ceremony, when one of them cau- tioned me against appearing to their prejudice, if ever I returned to England, unless Ih.ad a mind to be murdered ; for ■whicli service, he assured me, the gang never wanted agents. I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the Upper To\vn, where I inquired for a cabaret, or puolic- I house, into which I ■went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a cag of brandy, tlie bung of which they often applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction. At some dis- tance from them I perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive solitary man- ner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appearance of distress never failed to attract ray regard and compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with a view to offer him my assistance ; and, notwithstanding the alteration of dress, and dis- guise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long-lost and lamented uncle and benefactor. Lieutenant Bowling ! Good Heaven ! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding again such a valuable friend, and tlie sor- row of seeing him in such a low condition ! Tlie tears gushed down my cheeks : I stood motion- less and silent for some time ; at length, recover- ing the use of speech, exclaimed, " Gracious God ! Mr. Bowling ! ' My uncle ho sooner heard his name mentioned, than he started up, crying with some surprise, "Holloa!" and after having looked at me steatlfastly, without being able to recollect mc, said, "Did you call me, brother?" I told him I had something extraordinary to communi- cate, and desired liim to give me the hearing for a few minutes in another room ; but he w^ould by no means consent to this proposal, saying, "Avast there, friend ; none of your tricks upon travellers ; if you have anything to say to me, do it above board ; you need not be afraid of being overheard ; here are none who understand our lingo." Though I was loth to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain from telling him I was his own nephew, Roderick Handom. On this information, he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my features, which, though enlarged, were not en- tirely altered since he had seen me, came up and shook me by the hand veiy cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause, ho went on thus : "And j'et, my lad, I am sony to see you under such colours ; the moi e so, as it is not in my power at present to change them for the better, times being veiy hard with me." With these words, I could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheeks, which affected me so much, that I wept bitterly. Imagining my sor- row was the effect of my o^vn misfortunes, he comforted me with observing that life was a voy- age in which we must expect to meet with all weathers ; sometimes it was calm, sometimes rough ; that a fair gale often succeeded a stoiin ; that the wind did not always sit one way, and that despair signified nothing; but that resolu- tion and skill were better than a stout vessel — for why ? because they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him into another room, -where we could converse more at our ease. There I re- counted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which relation he started up, stalked across the room three or four times in a gi-eat huiTy, and, grasping his cudgel, cried, "I would I were alongside of him — that's all ; I would I were alongside of him !" I then gave him a detail of all my adventures and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have ima- gined ; and concluded with telling him that Cap- tain Oakum was still alive, and that ho miglit return to England when he would to solicit his affairs, without danger or molestation. He was wonderfully pleased with this piece of infoi-ma- tion, of which, however, he said he could not at i)rescnt avail himself, for want of money to pay liis passage to London. This objection I soon THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 125 removed, by putting five guineas into his band, and telling him I thought myself extremely happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my grati- tude to him in his necessity. But it was with the utmost dilKculty I could prevail upon him to acce])t of two, which he aOirmed were more than sufficient to defray the necessary expense. After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess of something : " For," said be, "it has been banyan-day with me a great while. You must know I was shipwrecked live days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in com- pany with those Dutchmen Avho are now drinking below ; and having but little money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share wliile it lasted. Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying, Every hog his own apple : for when they found my hold unstowed, they went all hands to shooling and begging, and, because I would not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least assist- ance ; so that I have not broke bread these two tiays." I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some bread, cheese, and wine to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be pre- pared. When he had recraited his spirits with tills homely fare, I desired to laiow the particu- lars of bis peregrination siace the accident at Cape Tibcroon, which were briefly these :— the money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the ci\-ility and hospitality of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board of one of their king's ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself from starving on shore. In this situation he continued two years, during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the repirtation of a good seaman : the ship he belonged to was ordered home to France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, and he was received on board of one of Monsieui- D'Aiitin's squadron, in quality of quarter-master, which office he performed in a voyage to the West Indies, where they engaged with our ship, as before related ; but his con- science upbraiding him for serving the enemies of Ids country, he qiiitted the sliip at the same place where h6 first listed, and got to CuraQoa in a Dutch vessel ; there he bargained with a skipper bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England, but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to the necessity of tra- velling on foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of entering on board of another French man-of-war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his succour. "And now, my lad," continued he, "I think I shall steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by tiie Lords of the Admiralty, to whom I intend to wTite a petition, setting forth my case. If I succeed, I shall have where-nithal to give you some assistance, because when I left the ship I had two years' pay due to me ; therefore I desire to know whither you are bound ; and besides, perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I shall belong. For the beadle of the Admiralty is my good friend, and he and one of the under-clerks are sworn brothers, and that under-clerk has a good deal to say with one of the upper clerks, who is very well knovvn to the under secretary, who upon his recommendation, I hope, will recommend my aflair to the first secretary, and he again will speak to one of the lords in my behalf; so that you see I do not want friends to assist me on occasion. As for the fellow Crampley, thof I know him rot, I am sure he is neither seaman nor officer, by what you have told me, or else he could never be so much mistaken in his reckoning as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex before he believed himself in soundings ; neither, when that accident happened, woidd he have left the ship until she had been stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making ; wherefore, by this time, I do sup- pose he has been tried by a court-martial, and executed for his cowardice and misconduct." I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder, by which he proposed to climb to the attention of the Board of Admiralty ; and though I knew the world too well to coufide in such dependence m^elf, I would not discourage him with doubts, but asked if he had no friend in London who would advance a small sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small present to the under secretary, who might possibly despatch his business the sooner on that account. He scratched his head, and, after some recollection, replied, "Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in Wapping, would not refuse me such a small matter. I know I can have what credit I want for lodging, liquor, and clothes, but as to money I won't be positive ; had honest Block been living, I should not have been at a loss." I was heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends when he had such need of them, and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind, consequently less liable to disappoint- ment and imposition. CHAPTER XLII. He taJces his passage in, a Cutter for Deal — fVe are accosted by a Priest, tcho proves to he Oj Scotchman — His Profession of Friendship — He is affronted ly the Lieutenant, wh.o afterwards appeases him hy Submission — My Uncle em- barks — / am introduced by a Priest to a Capu- chin, in whose Company I set out for Paris — The Character of my Fellow-Traveller — An Adventure on the Road — I am sJwcked at his Behaviour. When our repast was ended we walked down to the harbour, where we found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed ; neither can it be supposed that my mind was at ease, when I found myself reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me ; but, besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the iiniverse for a poor honest man to live in, and therefore deter- mined to remain in France, at all events. I was confii-med in this resolution by a reveiwnd priest, who, passing by at this time, and overhearing us .speak English, accosted us in the same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it 126 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. might be in his power to do us any service. We thanked tliis prave person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, whicli he did not think iiropcr to refuse, and we went all together into a tavern of his recommending. After having drank to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire into our situation, ))articularly tlie place of our nativity, ■which we no sooner named than he started up, and wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, " I come from the same part of the country ! perhaps you are my own relations." I woe on my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much when I remembered the adventure of the money-dropper ; but, without any appearance of .diifidence, ob- served, that as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which, howsoever mean our*present appearance might be, were none of the most obscure or in- considerable. Then I discovered our names, to ■which I found he was no stranger ; he had known my grandfather personally, and, not\vithstandiiig an absence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the neigh- bourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of our conversation I disclosed my condition without reser\'e, and displayed my talents to such advantage that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and assured me that if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I could not fail of making my fortiine, to which he would contribute all in his power. My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insinuation, and very abruptly declared that if ever I should renounce my religion he would break off all connexion and correspondence with me ; for it was his opinion that no honest man •woiild swerve from the principles in which he ■was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one's eyes against tlie light ; he said that ignorance ■would be no plea towards justittcation, when we had opportunities of being better infoiTned ; and that if the minds of people had not been open to conviction, the Christian religion could not have been propagated in the world, and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and bar- barity. He endeavoured to prove, by some texts of Scripture, and many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was the successor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ ; that the church of Rome was the true holy catholic church, and that the Protestant faith was an impious heresy and damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition. When he had finished this sermon, which I thought he pronounced with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly en- grossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, " As for me, friend, d' ye see, I have no objection to what you say ; it may be either true or false, for what I know ; I meddle ■with nobody's afiairs but my owix ; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the saying is. I trust to no creed but the com- pass, and do unto every man as I would be done ijy, so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender, and hope to be saved as well as another." This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence. I ventured to dis- approve of my uncle's rashness, and appeased the old gentleman bv assuring him there was no offence intended W my kinsman, who, by this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he be- longed, and took his leave for the present, when my unele recommended it strongly to me to per- severe in the religion of my forefathers, whatever advantages I might propose to myself by a change, which could not fail of disgracing myself and dis- honouring my family. I assured him no con- sideration should induce me to forfeit his friendship and good opinion on that score, at which assurance he discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we immediately bespoke, and, when it was ready, ate together. I imagined my acquaintance witli the Scottish priest, if properly managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated \is with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us everj'tliing that was remarkable in the monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, though not before I had pro- mised to see him next day ; and the time fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accom- panied him to the harbour, and saw him on board. We parted not without tears, after we h:ul embraced, and wished one another all manner of prosperity ; and he entreated me to •\\Tite to him often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at the sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London. I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a very solitarj' manner, rertectiug on the severity of my fate, and endea- vouring to project some likely scheme of life for the future ; but my invention failed me : I saw nothing but insurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable prospect ! That I might not, however, neglect any probable means, 1 got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not fail of making a great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all I was fully determined against any alteration in point of religion, therefore, if his proposal re- garded the church, he might save liimsclf the trouble of explaining it. He shook his head, and sighed, saying, "Ah ! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled by your stubborn preju- dice ! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal soul. I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a noviciate into this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a truly paternal affection." Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades ; where the heart is weaned from canial attachments, the grosser appetites subdued and chastised, and the soul waited to divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wings of studious contemplation. But his elo- quence was lost upon me, whom two considera- tions enabled to withstand his temptations ; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life ; for, as to the difference THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 127 of religion, I looked upon it as a tiling of too small moment to conio in competition with a man's fortune. Finding me immoveable on this head, he told me he was more sorry than offended at my non-compliance, and still ready to employ liis good offices in my behalf. '* The same erron- eous maxims," said he, "that obstruct your pro- motion iu the church ■will infallibly prevent your advancement in the army ; but if you can brook the condition of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by some one of them in quality of maitre d'hSiel ; and I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a better provision." I embraced his offer with great eagerness, and he appointed me to come back iu the afternoon, when he would not only give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his acquaintance, Avho intended to set out for Paris next morning, in whose company I might travel, without being at the expense of one livre dui'ing the whole journey. Tliis piece of good news gave me infinite pleasiirc ; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent father in the most grateful expressions ; and he performed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted mth the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of day. It was not long before I discovered my fellow- traveller to be a meny facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary or St. Genevieve. He was a tliick, brawny young man, with red eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles ; and his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit lum to wear linen, so that, ha\ang little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals in the world ; and his constitution was naturally so strongly scented, that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of him iu our march. As he was perfectly well kno\vn on the road, we fared sumptuoiisly without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour of my companion, who sung an infinite number of catches on the subjects of love and ■\vine. We took up our lodging the first uight at a peasant's house not far from Abbeville, where we were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After having eaten heartily, and drank a sufiicient quantity of small vnne, we were conducted to a barn, where we foimd a couple of carpets spread ixpon clean straw for our reception. We had not lain in this situation above half-an-hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and let in our host's two daugh- ters, who wanted to have some private conver- sation with him in the dark. ^Vl^en they had whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid, who had a tend re for me ? I must own, to my shame, that I sulfered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I imderstood that the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfel- low. In vain did ray reason suggest the respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa ; the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits ; and the young paysanne had no reason to complain of my re- membrance. Early in the moniuig, the kind creatures left ua to our repose, which lastal till eight o'clock, when we got up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and I'eau, de vie by our paramours, of whom wo took a tender leave, after my companion had confessed and given them absolution. While we proceedeil ou our journey, the conversation turned upon the night's adventure, bein^ introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I liked my lodging : I de- clared my satisfaction, and talked in raj)ture of the agi-eeable Nanette ; at which he shook his head, and smiling, said, she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. " I never valued myself," con- tinued he, " upon anything so much as the con- quest of Nanette ; and, vanity apart, I have been, pretty fortunate iu my amours." This informa- tion shocked me not a little, as I was well con- vinced of his intimacy with her sister ; and tliough I did not care to tax him with dowairiglit incest, I professed my astonishment at his last night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his devotion. To this hint, he answered, that, be- sides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute his favours equally between them, namely, to preserve iieace in the family, which could not otherwise be maintained; that, moreover, Nanette had conceived an affec- tion for me, and he loved lier too well to balk her inclination ; more especially when he had an opj)ortunity of obliging liis friend at the same time. I thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely chsgusted at his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in liis way. Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character he assumed : I looked upon him as a person of very little worth or honesty, and should even have kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have any temp- tation to steal. But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoys all other necessaries of life gi-atis; besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any apprehension on that score ; so that I pro- ceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my jom-ney's end. CHAPTER XLIII. We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep— I go to I^oyons in search of him, but tcithout success — Make my Condition known to several People, but find no Relief — Grow desperate — Join a Company of Soldiers— En- list in the Regiment of Picardy — We are ordered into Germany— I find the Fatigues of the March almost intolerable — Quarrel with my Comrade in a Dispute about Politics — He challenges me to the Field, wounds and dis- arms me. The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens, where Balthazar being un- known, we supped upon indifl'erent fare, and sour wine, and were fain to lie in a garret, upon an old mattress, which, I believe, had been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas time out of mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity : in less than a minute we were attacked by stings innumerable ; in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being exces- sively fatigued with our day's march, and did not 128 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. ■wake till nine next morniiv?, when seeing myself alone, I started up in a tcniblo fright, and exa- mining my pockets, found my presaging fear too true ! My companion had made free with my cash, and "left me to seek my way to Paris by myself ! I ran down stairs immediately ; and with a look full of grief and amazement inquired for the mendicant, who, they gave me to under- stand, had set out four hours before, after having told them I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed, but ijc informed when I should awake that he had taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting with weariness and hunger ; but learned, to my utter confusion, that no such person had been there ! It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions against the villany of man- kind, and enabled me to bear misfortmics other- wise intolerable. Boiling with indignation, I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar ; at which he shrugged up Lis shoulders, and, with a peculiar grimace in bis countenance, said he was sony for my mis- fortune ; but tliere was no remedy like patience. At that instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at liis indifference, and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same sordid animal all the world over. While I stood in the porch, forloni and undetennined, venting ejaculations of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old priest who recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman, richly di'essed, attended by a valet-de-chambre and two servants in liverj', ar- rived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness and good nature in his coim- tenance ; therefore he had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in a few words, ex- plained my situation : he listened with great politeness, and, when I had made an end of my story, said, " Well, Monsieur, what would you Lave me to do ? " I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which I believe no man of common sense or generosity could make, and made no other reply than a low bow : he re- turned the compliment still lower, and tript into an apartment, v.'hile the landlord let me know that my standing there to interrapt company gave offence, and might do him infinite pre- judice. He had no occasion to repeat his in- sinuation ; I moved from the place immediately, and was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstasy I quitted Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wan- dered about like one distracted, till my spiiits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied lunbs. Here my rage forsook me ; I began to feel the importunate cravings of nature, aud relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection. I revolved all the crimes 1 had been guilty of, and found them so few and venial, that I could not com]ireliend the justice of that Providence, which, alter having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left nie a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. A thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to •woods and deserts, far from the inhospitable haimts of man, where I could live by my own talents, independent of treacherous friends aud supercilious scorn. As I lay in this manner groaning over my hap- less fate, I heard the sound of a violin, and rais- ing my head, perceived a company of men aud women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked upon this to be a favourable season for distress to attract compassion, when evei-y selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy ; wherefore I got up and approached this happy people, whom 1 soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending aud divert- ing themselves at this rate, after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of scarecrows together, neither could I reconcile theii' meagre gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and eveiy other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance of festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with great politeness ; after which they formed a ring, and danced around me. This jollity had a won- derful effect upon my spirits ! I was infected with their gaiety, and, in spite of my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined in their extravagance. ^Vhen we had recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine. Being in- vited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and in the whole course of my life never made a more comfortable meal. When our re- past was ended, we got up again to dance ; aud now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved to the admiration of eveiybcdy. I was loaded with a thousand compliments, and professions of friendship ; tlie men commended my person and agility, and the women were loud in praise of my honne grace; the Serjeant in particular ex- pressed so mucli regard for me, and described the pleasures of a soldier's life with so nmch art, that I began to listen to his proposal of en- listing me in the service ; and tne more I con- sidered my Qvra. condition, the more I was con- vinced of the necessity I was under to come to a speedy determination. Having, therefore, ma- turely weighed the circumstances pro and con, I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which this party belonged was quartered at a village not far ofl", whither we marched next day, aud I was pre- sented to my captain, who seemed very well ])lcp.sed with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, aud accoutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete soldier. It was not long before wo received orders to join several more regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order to reinforce Mareschal Due de Noailles, who was then en- camped with his army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the motions of the English, Ilauovcrians, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I became ac- quainted with that part of a soldier's life to which I had been hitherto a stranger. It is ini- ])ossible to describe the hunger and thirst I sus- tained, and the fatigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred miles ; during which I was so much chafed with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside of xarj THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 129 thighs and legs was deprived of skin, and I pro- ceeded in the utmost torture. This misfortune I owed to the jjlumpness of my constitution, which I cursed, and envied the withered condi- tion of my comrades, whose bodies coukl not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof iigaiust all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fietful, and my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing those miser- able wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity, under which I was Teady to sink. One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at home with me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me v/ith his pity and consolation ! He told me, though I was young and tender at present, I should soon be seasoned to the service ; and he ■did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure to the glory of the king. " Have courage, therefore, my child," said he, " and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of re- ceiving many wounds in helping to establish his glory." When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him ; and could not help expressing my astonishment at the ab- surdity of a rational being, who thinks himself highly honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, oppression, famine, disease, muti- lation, and CAident death, merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his suf- ferings were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown. I observed that, if his situation was the consequence of compulsion, I would praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot ; if he had taken up arms in defence of his injured -country, he was to be applauded for his patriot- ism ; or, if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience, though I could have no notion of misery more extreme than that he suffered ; but to put his condition on the footing of con- ducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous pride of a fellow- creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the submission of such wTetches as him. The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which he said nothing but my ignorance could excuse. He affirmed that the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned by the cen- sure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining ; and advised me to coiTect the rebellious principles I had im- bibed among the English, who, for their insol- ence to their kings, were notorious all over the world, even to a proverb. In \indication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty ; that allegiance and protection are reciprocal ; that, when tlie mutual tie is broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalty of the law ; and that those insurrections of the English, which are branded with the name of re- bellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, were no other than glorious efforts to rescue tliat independence which was their birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner that my temper forsook me, and I clenched my fist, with an in- tention to give him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my design, he started back, and de- manded a parley ; upon which I checked my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow ; therefore, if I was not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine, like a gentleman. I took his advice, and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed 1 was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor little shivering creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one eye. But I soon found the folly of judging from appearances, being at the second pass wounded in the sword hand, and imme- diately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no less con- founded than enraged at tliis event, especially as my adversary did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have been expected ; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting his king and him. This proposal I would by no means comply with, but told him it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his circum- stances ought to i^ropose, nor any in my situation ought to perform ; and that, if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, when we should be more upon a par than wath the sword, of which he seemed so much master. CHAPTER XLIV. In order to he revenged, I learn the Science of Defence — We join the Mareschal Due de No- ailles — Are engaged 2vith the Allies at Dettin- gen, and put to Flight — The Behaviour of the French Soldiers on that occasion — / industri- ously seek another Combat with the old Gascon, and vanquish him, in my turn — Our Regiment is put into Winter-quarters at Rheims, where I find my friend Strap — Oicr Recognition — He supplies me with Money, and procures my Discharge — We take a Trip to Paris, from, whence, hy the way of Flanders, we set ov,t for London, where v)e safely arrive. He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recoimted his victory, with many exaggerations and gasconades ; while I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters and examined my wound, which I found was of no consequence. The same day, an Irish diiimmer, having heard of my misfortune, \'isited me, and, after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to understand that he was master of the sword, and would, in a very short time, instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should Toe able to chastise the old Gascon for his inso- lent boasting at my expense. This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen ; but I afterwards learned the trae motive was no other than a jealousy he en- tertained of a correspondence between the French- man and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be this as it will, I accepted his offer, and practised his lessons with such ap- 130 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. lication that I soon lielievcd myself a match for my conqueror. In tho meantime we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of Mareschul Noailles, the night Itefore the battle of Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiiiR'iit was one of those that were onleied next day to cross the river, under the command of the Due de Gramont, to take possession of a narrow defile, through which the Allies must of necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or remain wliere they were, and perish for want of provision, if they would not condescend to sur- render at discretion. How they suffered them- .selves to be pent up in this manner it is not my jirovince to relate ; I shall only observe, that, when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old oflicer, in conversation with another, express surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman Avas over- ruled, and only acted in an inferior character ; so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger ; but Providence or Destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by dis- posing the Due de Gramout to quit his advan- tageous post, pass the defile, and attack tlie English, who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so roughly, that, after having lost a great number of men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and lied with such precipitation, that many hundreds perished in the river, tlirough pure fear and con- fusion ; for the enemy was so generous that they did not pursue us one inch of ground ; and if our consternation would have permitted, we might have retreated wth great order and deliberation. But notwitlistanding the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the Allies in per- son, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to 5000 men, among whom were many oflScers of distinction. Our miscaiTiage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick and wovinded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with humanity. This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took occasion to claim the victory ; and the genius of the French nation never ap- peared more conspicuous than now, in the rho- domontades they uttered on the subject of their generosity and coiirage. Every man, by his own account, performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his cowardly jiur- suers, who keep at a wary distance and gall him with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with liis fpce to the enemy, who dare not assail him ; and the third assumed the chai-acter of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay. There was not a private soldier engaged, who had not, by tlie prowess of his single arm, demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight ; and, among others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained my resentment for the dis- grace I suffered in my last rencontre with him, and, now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an ot)portunity to retrieve my honour, I mag- nified the valour of the English with all tho hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the pusillanimity of the French in the same style, comparing them to hares flying before grey- hoiuids, or mice pursued by cats ; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in liis flight, wliich, considering his age and infir- mities, I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening disdain, bade me know myself better, and remember the correction I had lately re- ceived from him for my insolence ; for he might not always bo in the humour of sparing a wretch who abused his goodness. To this innuendo I made no rej)ly, but a kick in the breech, which overturned liim in an instant. He started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great fviry. Several people in- terposed, but when he informed them of its being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted liim in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Hav- ing thus acquired the victory,' I desired him to beg his life ; to which demand he made no an- swer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his fore- head and eyebrows, and depressed the comers of his mouth, in such a manner that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque aj>- pearance. That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to tlie hilt in something (it was not a tansy) that lay smok- ing on the ijlain, and joined the rest of the sol- diers with an air of tranquillity and indLfh-rence. There was nothing more of moment attemiiteil by either of the armies during the remaining part of the campaign, which, being ended, the^ English marched back to the JSTetherlands. Part of our anny was detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into •winter-quarters in Champagne. It w-as the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of everj'thing ; my pay, which amoimted to five sols a day, far from supphing me ■with neces- saries, being scai'ce sufficient to procure a •\\Tetched subsistence, to keep soul and body together ; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my fellow-sol- diers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into spatter- dashes ; and after all, I was better provided than any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my affau'S, I wTote to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, lor the reasons I have already ex- plained ; and, in the meantime, had recourse to my old remedy, patience, consoling myself with the flatterin" suggestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in my distress. One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general oificor, a certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him saying, "You may depend upon my good offices." This assur- ance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the individual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so much astonished at the sight that I lost the power of utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he was gone with- out taking any notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to accost him ; because, though I was perfectly well ac- qurdnted with the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his per- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 131 son, which was very much altered for the better since lie left me at London ; neither could I ]icr- ceive by what means he was enabled to apjtear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. But I was too much concerned in the aiiaii" to neglect further infoi-mation, and there- fore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes ; that he had been valet- de-chambre to an English gentleman lately de- ct^ased ; and that he was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friend- ship had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of it being my friend, who had found means to Frenchii'y his name as well as his behaviour since we parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortime to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed my name and business, ami only desired the servant of the house to tell iNInnsieur d'Estrapes that I begged the honour of half an hour's conver- sation with him. He was confounded and dis- mayed at this message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier. Though he was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the Bastile appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, and it was not before I had waited a considerable time that he had resolution enough to bid the servant show me upstairs. When I entered his chamber, he retm-ned my bow with great civility, and endeavoured, mth forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wUdness of his looks, and the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled when I told him in French I had business for his private ear, and demanded a particular audience. The valet being withdra\^^l, I asked in the same language if his name w\as d'Estrapes, to which he answered, with a faltering tongue, " The same, at your service." "Are you a Frenchman?" said I. "I have not the honour of being a Frenchman bom," replied he, " but I have an infinite vene- ration for the country." I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me, which he no sooner did than, struck with my appearance, he started back, and cried in English, " Jesus ! sure it can't ! No, 'tis impossible !" I smiled at his interjections, saying, "I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your friend in adversity." When he heard me pronounce these words in o\a o-\vn language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great school-boy who had been whipt. Then obsei-ving my dress, he set up his throat crying, " Lord ! Lord ! that ever I should live to see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service ! Why did you consent to my leaving you ? — But I know the reason — you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance. — Ah ! Lord help us ! though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind. And though I did not complain, I was not the less sensiljle of your unkindness, which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroail, the Lord knows whither ; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you ! — Lord ! Lonl ! is it come to this ? " I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness that, whulher his suspicions were well or ill grounded, lie might have chosen a more convenient oppor- tiuiity of introducing them, and that the ques- tion now was, whether or no he found him.self disposed to lend me any assistance. "Disposed !" replied he with great emotion, " I thought you had known me so well as to assure yourself with- out asking, that I and all that belongs to me are at your command. In the meantime, you shall dine with me, and I will tell you something that perhaps will not be displeasing unto you." Then wiinging my hand, he said, " It makes my heart bleed to see you in that garb ! " I thanked him for his invitation, which, I obser\'ed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven months. But I had another request to make, which I begged he would grant before diinier, and that was the loan of a shirt ; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarized to the want of it. He stared in my face M'ith a woful countenance at this declaration, which he could scarce believe until I explained it, by unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body, a circimistance that shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a chest of di-awers, and, taking out some linen, presented to me a very fine ruilieil holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, assur- ing me he had three dozen of the same kind at my service. I was ravished at tlris piece of good news, and having accommodated myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying I was overjoyed to find him unde- bauched by prosperity, which seldom fads to cor- rupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and bouille, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in the interim enter- tained me with biscuit and Burgundy, after which repast he entreated me to gratify his long- ing desire of knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London. This request I complied Awth, beginning at the adven- ture of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations described. He started with surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped with cui'iosity, smiled with pleasure, ti-embled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions ; and when my stoiy was ended, signified his amaze- ment on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands, and protesting that though I was a young man, I had suffered more than all the blessed martyrs. After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who in that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable exercises, to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, dui'ing which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own counti-jonen on their travels, in whose company he comudtted such excesses that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consump- tion ; that, by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpellier for the benefit of good air, and re- covered so weU in six weeks that he returned to Rheims, seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a month when he was seized with a looseness that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him. 132 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. and especially of Strap, who had been very hajjpy in his service, and given such satislaclion that his master, on his death-bed, recommeiKkHl liiin to several persons of distinction for his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred i)ounds, " which I now," said he, "in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal. Here are my keys ; take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession." My brain was almost turned by the sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce believe real ; however, I positively refused this extravagant proffer of my friend, and ])ut him in mind of my being a soldier, at wliich hint he started, crying, " Odso ! that's true ; we must procure your discliarge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour." We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur d'Estrapes sliould wait upon the marquis in the morning, and tell liim he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that nobleman's interest for his discharge. In the meantime we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for life by means of his legacy, a task very ditlicult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, altogether imjiracticable ; so that after much canvassing we could come to no resolution that night, but when we parted, recom- mended the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my o^vn part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I thought of turning merchant, the smallncss of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from fhat scheme. If I should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business already overstocked ; or if I pretended to set up in flngland, must labour under want of friends, and powerful opposition, obstacles insur- mountable by the most shining merit. Neither should I succeed in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible administra- tion. Before I could form any feasible project I fell asleep, and my fancy was blessed with the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile •upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils. Early in the morning I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found exulting over his happy invention ; for I no sooner entered his apartment than he addressed liimself to me in these words, with a smile of self-applause : " Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool's head sometimes. I have hit it : I '11 hold you a button my plan is better than yoiu"s, for all your learning. But you shall have the preference in this, as in all other things ; therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation, and then I will impai't my own simple excogita- tions." I told him that not one thought had occurred to me that deserved the lea.st notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the fmita of his reflection. "As we have not," said he, " money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a bold push must be made ; and I see none so likely to succeed as your appearing in the character of a gentleman (wliich is your due), and making your addresses to some lady of fortune who can render you independent at once. Nay, don't stare ; I affirm that this scheme is both prudent and honourable ; for I would not have you throw yourself away ujion an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would stink you into a C(msumption in less than three months. Neither would I advise you to assume the cha- racter of a wealthy squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is clieuted into matrimony, and, instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was pro- mised, sees her dowry seized by her husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and despair. No ! I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition, and are master of qualifications both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need not be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are ; if not, there are plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attend- ing you in quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a servant, shaving, and dressing ; and I doubt not but, by the bless- ing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue." Extravagant as this pro- posal Avas, I listened to it with pleasure, because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame. After breakfast. Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the marquis, and was so suc- cessful in his application that I obtained a dis- charge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had time to reflect and congratu- late myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which, to bear with moderation, required some degree of philosophy and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious if I give a detail of the par- ticulars to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats, full mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another mth silver lace ; two frocks, one of white drab, with large plate buttons, the other of blue, with gold binding ; one waistcoat of gold brocade ; one of blue satin, embroidered \\ith silver ; one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace ; one of black silk, with fringes ; one of white satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet ; six pair of cloth breeches, one pair of crimson, and anotlier of black velvet ; twelve Y>air of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of fine cotton ; one hat, laced with gold, Tooint d'Espagne, another with silver lace scolloped, a third with gold bind- ing, and a fourth plain ; three dozen of fine nittled shirts, as many neckcloths ; one dozen of cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other moveables which I possessed, by the generosity and friendship of Strap, were a gold watch, with a chased case ; two valuable diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth, cut steel, inlaid with gold, a diamond stock-buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the knees and shoes ; a pair of silver- mounted pistols, with rich housings; a gold- headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoise-shell, mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met with him ; so that, over and THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. '33 above these particulars, our stock in ready money aiiiountod to something more than two liundred pounds. Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited the Louvre, exammed the gallery of Luxembourg, and ajipeared at Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, opera, and playhouse, danced at a masquerade — and, in short, saw everytliing remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England l)y the way of Flanders, jnissed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at Deal, hired a post-chaise, and, in twelve hours more, got safe to London, having tlisposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon. CHAPTER XLV. 1 inquire for my Uncle, and itnderstand he is gone to Sea — Take Lodgings at Charing-cross — Go to the Play, where I meet with an Adven- ture — Dine at aii Ordinary; the Guests de- scribed—Become acquainted with Medlar and Doctor Wagtail. As soon as we alighted at the inn, I despatched Strap to inquire for my uncle, at the Union Flng, in Wapping ; and he returned in a little time with an account of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant-ship, after a long and unsuccessful application and attendance at the Admiralty ; where, it seems, the interest he de- pended upon was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder. Next day I hired very handsome lodgings, not far from Charing-cross, and in the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, whei'e I saw a good deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This sillj'^ con- ceit intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries ; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the com- pany might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed, by my absurd behaviour, into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts ; pulled out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again ; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have an opportunity of showing my brUliant, and wiped my nose ■with a perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and ad- justed my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which I found two considerable obstructions in my disposition, namely, a natural resei-ve, and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people aroimd me, but I was restrained by the fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension from a stranger like me. How often diil I redden at the frequent whispers and loud laugliter of my fellow beans, which I imagined were excited by me ! and how often did I envy the hapny indiflerence of those choice spirits, who l)eheld the distress of the scene without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern ! My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and i could not help weeping with the heroine of the stage ; though I practised a great many shifts to conceal tliis inece of unpolite weakness. When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach ; but every one was attended by such a number of officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some di.';tance from me ; iipon which I went up to her, and offered my senice. She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble ; looking at her watch, and testifying her sui-prise at the negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour. I rejieated my en- treaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of ; and, in the event, she was pre- vailed upon to accept of a proposal I made to send my servant for a chair or coach : accord- ingly. Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned without success. By this time the play- house was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion standing in a comer, one of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and when we were past, I heard them set up a loud laugh. This note aroused my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady's character, before I should have any nearer connexion ■with her. As no convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, tQl my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trast- iug herself in a tavern witli a stranger ; but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, rather than endanger her health by remaining ui a cold, damp thoroughfare. Ha'ving thus far" succeeded, I begged to know what ■wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of ; but she professed the greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors ; and it was ■with much difficulty that I could persixade her to eat a jelly. In the meantime, I endeavoured to alle.'viate the uneasiness she discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could thmk of ; at which she woidd often sigh, and regard me ■with a lan- guishing look, that seemed, however, too near akin to the lewd leer of a courtezan. This dis- covery, added to my former suspicion, wliile it put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain her ■with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her lodgings ; a request which she, with many apologies, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to lie fretted witli trifles. Tliis information, by which I was to understand tliat her husband was a knight, did not check my addresses, which became more and more imjior- tunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss. But, oh Heavens ! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour that her delicacy of com- plexion promised, I was almost suftbcated with the steams of Geneva ! An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous li(|Uors, not only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing ; and it would have been impossible for me to have presei-ved common 134 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. complaisance five inimitos longer, when my ser- vant, returned with the cnaoli. I took the a for that was my companion's name, than they tittered and whispered one to another ; and I was not a little surprised to find that these were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me ; for when he observed them together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great gravity, saj-ing, " Gentlemen, your most obedient — give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society." Then, turning to me, " Mr. Random, this is Mr. Brag- well — Islr. Banter, sir — Mr. Chatter — my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, sir." I saluted each of them in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him to thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company ; but I did not think proper to take any notice of it on this- occasion. Mr. Ranter, too, who I afterwards learned was a player, displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment. This feat I should not have been so sensible of, had not I seen him behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question or control, resolved, however, to chas- tise his insolence at a more convenient oppor- tunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger,, asked if I had been lately in France ; and when I answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg galleiy. I told him I had considered it more tlian once with great atten- tion. Upon this a conversation ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter. While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous, collection, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail where he had picked up this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, " Upon my woi-d, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman — a man of fortune, sir — he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, sir." "What, he told you so, I suppose?" said the other. " I take him to be neither more nor lesa. than a French valet-de-chambre." Oh ! barbar- ous, barbarous ! " cried the doctor ; " this is actually, upon my word, altogether unaccount- able. 1 know all his family perfectly well, sir ; he is of the Randoms of the north— a very ancient house, sir, and a distant relation of mine." I was extremely nettled at the conjec- ture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in gene- ral ; but as I might possibly, by their means, acquire a more extensive and agreeable ac(iuaiiit- ance, I determined to bear these little mortifica- tions as long as I could, without injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other coffeehouse subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, wliithcr we re- paired in a body. Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was entertained as a butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game, by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowniess of spirits, and indigestion, for he was troubled vnth all these complaints to a very great degree ? Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon prog- nostics, "diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion ; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respec- tive operations ; ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding from hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud S[)eaking, laughing, singing, coughing, sneez- ing, or hallooing. " Pah, pah," cried Ranter, in- terrupting him, " the remedy is worse than the disease. I vdsk I knew where to find some tin- der-water." " Tinder- water ! " said the doctor; " upon my word I don't apprehend you, Mr. Ranter." "Water extracted from tinder," re- plied the other, "an universal specific for all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German monk, who, for a valuable con- sideration, im])arted the secret to Paracelsus." "Pardon me," cried the painter, "it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manu- script in his own handwriting, lately foiuid at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a peasant who ■was digging for potatoes." "Well," said Wag- tail, "in all my va.st reading I never met with such a preparation ! Neither did I know, till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine." Here Banter interposed, saying he was surprised that Doctor Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solo- mon's understanding Greek, when he is repre- sented to us as the wisest and best educated prince in the world ; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time of the Cmsades, by some knights of that country." " I profess," said the doctor, "there is nothing mere likely — I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable — and if I understood the process, ■would set about it immediately." The player assured him the process was very simple — that he must cram a hundredweight of di-y tinder into a glass retort, and distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. " Upon my integrity !" exclaimed the credulous doctor, " this is very amazing ! and extraordi- nary ! that a cajmt mortuum shall yield any water at all — I must own I have always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought inconsisstent ■with the nature of the animal economy ; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast (]uan- tity of tinder, the consumption of which must \mdoubtedly raise the price of papei* — or where I shall find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass." Slyboot informed him that he might have a retort blowni for him as big as a church ; and that the easiest method of raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who might lie upon mattresses around, and in contact with it. He had no sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed, in a rap- ture, "An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved ! I will positively put it in practice." This simplicity of the physician furnished excel- lent diversion for the company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genume senti- ments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, ■ftith a most circumstantial account of the dress and orna- ments of each, fi-om the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men ; concluding ■with telling Bragwell that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him ; and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind. " No, no, damme," said Bragwell, " I have something else to mind than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls ; besides, you know my temper is so unndy, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is concerned. The last time I ■vvas there I had an affair with Tom Trippet." " Oh ! I remember that," cried Banter ; " you lugged out before the ladies ; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of sho\ving your manhood •without running any risk." "Risk!" said the other, with a fierce countenance ; " damn my blood ! I fear no risks. I an't afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head, damme ! 'tis ■ft'ell known I have dra^wn blood more than once, and lost some too ; but what does that signify ? " The player begged this champion to employ him as his second "the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such a part the more naturally on the stage. "Die 1" replied the hero ; " no, by God ! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury— I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a bitch, if he had not taught me to prick any part of my antagonist's body that I please to disable." " Oho I" cried Slyboot, " if that be the case, I have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross ; and my i)urpose is to represent him at that point of time when the sjjcar is thrust into his side. Now, I should be glad if you would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, ^rithout endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking a good clever agony from nature. The doctor ■will direct you where to enter, and how far to go ; but pray let it be as near the left side as possible." Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, ob- served, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the thorax without hurting the heart, and of consequence killing the patient ; but he believed it was possitde for a man of a very nice hand and exact knowledge of THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 139 anatomy to wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with deatli ; tlial he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that nmscle to Mr. Bragwell, but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation in case of miscarriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon l)y tlie painter's waggery as the doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he had a very great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a niaxim never to light except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind were uttered, the wine circulated, supper was served in, we ate heartily, returned to the bottle, Brag- well became noisy and troublesome. Banter grew more and more severe, Kanter rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sung French catches, and Chatter kissed me with great affec- tion, while the doctor, with a woful comitenance, sat silent, like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length it was proposed by Bragwell that we should scoxu" tlie hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed. While we deliberated on this expedition, the waiter came into the room and asked for Doctor Wagtail. When he imderstood he was j^resent, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at which message the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a look of extreme confusion, assirred the company he could not possibly be the person wanted, for he had no comiexion with any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. "For shame!" cried Banter, "would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady the hearing ? perhaps she comes for a consultation. It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time o' night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's baise- mains to the lady, and squire her hither." The l^layer immediately staggered out, and returned leading in, with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her occupa- tion. We received her with the utmost solem- nity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was ] persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconso- late look, on the doctor, who was utterly con- founded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy fourfold. At length, after a good many piteous sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus : " Wliat ! not one word of comfort ? Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine ? Not all my tears ! not all my afflic- tion ! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me ! V.Tiere ai-e thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man? Hast thou no honour — no con- science — .10 remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me ? — Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have recourse to heaven or hell fov my revenge?" If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address ? His natm-al pale- ness caanged into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lips trembled, and he answered, in an accent not to be described, " Upon my word, honour, and salvation, madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most particular veneration for your sex, and am actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam ; besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!" "How, traitor!" cried she, "dost thou diso^\Ti me then ? — -Mistaken ? no, too well I know that fair bewitching face ! too well I know that false enchanting tongue ! — Alas ! gentlemen, since the villain compels me, by his uukindncss, to exjxjse myself and him, know that this betrayer, umlcr the specious pretence of lionounible addie.^e-.. won my heart, and, taking advantage of hi.s ei in- quest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate ! I am now four months gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want I Yes, thou barbarian !" aai(l she, turning to Wagtail, "thou tiger I tho'i succubus ! too well thou knowest my situation - ■ but I will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a monster." So saying, she sprung forward at the doctor, who with incredible agility jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine. Although every- body in the corapanj'afl'ectedthe utmost surprise, I could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce diversion at the doctor's expense ; and being under no concern about the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress of Wagtail, who, with tears in his eyes, begged the protection of the com- pany, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge as the fretiis in utero, and hint- ing, at the same time, that nature had not put it into his power to be guilty of such a trespass. "Nature!" cried the lady; "there was no nature in the case ; he abused me by the help of charms and spells ; or else how is it possible that any woman could have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish eyes made for ogling, that carrion complexion to be admired, or that mouth like a horse-shoe to be kissed ? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and incantations, and not to your natural talents, which are in every respecf; mean and contemptible." The doctor now thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating hunself effectually, and desired the complainant to com- pose herself but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition. He ac- cordingly pronounced a veiy learned discourse iipon the nature of ideas, the power and inde- pendence of the mmd, the properties of stimulat- ing medicines, the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples woiild create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection, and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had never injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were in all likelihood so much impaired by her misfoi'tnnes that an innocent person was in danger of being ruined by her dis- order. He had no sooner finished his harangue than the forlorn princess renewed her lamenta- tions, and caiitioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said, was able to bias the most impai-tial bench in Christendom. Banter advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to salve his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose ; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for the child, and a comfortable ali- mony settled on the mother. Banter promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was reaily to worship him for his generosity, and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence, conde- sceniled to everything, rather than his unblem- ished (?haracter shoxdd be called in question. The laartner was set, took the opportunity of passing by her to make a slight bow without stopping ; which completed my triumph and her indignation. She chaTiged colour, bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, and fiirted her fan with such a fury, that it went to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertain- ment of those who sat near and observed her. At length the metamorphosed barber iook her out, and acted his part with such ridiculous ex- travagance, that the mirth of the whole company was excited at his expense, .and his partner so much ashamed, that, before the country-dances began, she retired in great confusion, under pre- tence of being taken suddenly ill, and was fol- lowed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition was nothing but love ; and laid hold of tne occasion of conducting her home, to comfort her, with an .ossm'auce of his entertaining a reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone, than an inquisitive whisper of "Who is he?" ran round the room ; and Chatter could give no other intelligence about him, than that he was a man of fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone was acquainted with his real quality, affected ignorance, well knowing that female curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and that the discovery Avould proceed wth a better giace from anybody than nie. Meanwhile, I was teni})ted by the richness of the prize to practise npou jM iss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I neither would nor could pre- serve the title I had bon'owed longer than that night. As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, iu pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the foundation of his hopes. She sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to show her face in public for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chatter formd it impossible to justify himself to her satisfaction ; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for liaving imposed me upon her as a nobleman ; and sufiered very much in his charac- ter and influence among the ladies in general. Finding my finances diminished more than one half, and my project as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I began to despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the pro- spect of approaching want. To dispel the horrors of this fiend, I had recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever. I became parti- cularly attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors behind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of Templars, and in a short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed I may say, without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who were, generally speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming. By means of these avocations, I got the better of care, and learned to separate my ideas in such a manner, that whenever I was attacked by a gloomy reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable reverie to my assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who practised a thousand sliifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a mere skeleton. While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one day received by the penny- post, a letter written in a woman's hand, con- taining a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a very poetical style, an earnest desire of Icnowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain place, directed to R. B., and the whole subscribed, "Your incognita." I was trans] lorlt'il witli joy on reading the contents of this billct-dou.x, which I admired as a master- piece of tenderness and elegance, and was already up to the ears in love with the author, whom my imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, and exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to the sublimity of her style and the ardour of her sentiments. I expressed my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical ; and, while I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured of her understanding ; and, in the most pathetic manner, implored the honour of an interview. Having finished tliis performance, and communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I despatched him with it to the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner not fur from Bond-street, and desired him to keep watch near the door for some time, that he mi^ht discover the person who should call for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance, and told me that, soon after he had delivered the letter, a chairman was called, to whom it was given, with directions to caiTy it to the house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him, and saw it put into the hands of a waiting woman, who paid the messenger, and shut the door. That, upon inquiry at an ale-house hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood the gentle- man to wlioni the house belonged had an only daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole estate, and who certainly was the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion, and hugging myself in the happy pro- spect, dressed immediately, and passed in great state by the house that contained my unknown admirer. Nor was my vanity disappointed ; for I perceived a beautiful young creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I imagined, obsei'ved me with more than common curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same time feast my o\ra, I aflected to stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just oi)po- site to her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more distuictly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest of so much perfection. In a few minutes she re- tired, and I betook myself to the ordinary, in a rapture of hope, which deprived me of appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to indulge my contemplation. Early next day I was favoured with another epistle from my unlcnown charmer, signifj'ing her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced, her of the value of it. Above all thuigs, she professed extreme pleasure in finding me so nmch attached to her understanding, a circumstance that not only flattered her in the most sensil)]e jiart, but at the same time argued my own saga- city. As for the interview I desired, she assured me that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than she ; but she must not only sacri- fice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my honourable intentions before she would grant that request. Meanwhile she gave me to under- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 149 stand, that although she might owe some defer- ence to the opinion of certain persons, she was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness, to consult her own inclination, ])re- feiable to the advice of the whole world ; especi- ally as she was urged to such condescension by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being her own without restriction or con- trol. Struck with admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed in- sc'UL-iible of the beauty she possessed, and, in par- ticular, ravished with that piece of intelligence hy which I learned her fortune was independent, 1 resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty, pre- tended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind, complained of her rigoiir in sacrificing my repose to an over-scrupulous regard to deco- rum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows. This per- fonnance being sealed and dii-ected, was sent to the place appointed, by Strap, who, that we might be still the more confirmed in oui" belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time brought back the same information as before, with this addition, that !Miss Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking out at the windoM', no sooner saw the messenger aiTive, than she shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared ; eager, no doubt, to hear from the dear object of her love. My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I looked upon myself as per- fectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered, in com- pany with Dr. Wagtail, to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived ; and as he was a mere register, inquired of him into the name, character, and fortime of everybody who pos- sessed a good house in the streets through which we passed. WTien it came to his turn to mention Sir John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate, and naiTow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine yoimg lady, from the conversation of mankind, imder the strict watch and inspection of an old governante, who was either so honest, envious, or insatiable, that nobody had been, as yet, able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though num- bers attempted it every day ; not so much on account of her expectations from her father, who, being a widower, might marry again, and have sons, as for a fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could not be deprived. This piece of news exactly tallying with the last part of the letter I had been hon- oured with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that any man except Wagtail might have observed my emotion ; but his attention was too much engrossed by the contemplation of his own importance, to suffer him to be affected with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so particular that he could not help taking notice of it. ■When I had disengaged myself from liim, whose conversation grew insipid to me, I went home and made Strap acquainted with the fruit of my re- searches. This faithful squire was almost choked with transports, and even wept with joy ; but whether on accoimt of himself or me I shall not pretend to determine. Next day a third billet- doux was brought to rne, containing many expres- sions of tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion ; withal desiring I would excuse her, if she should try nic a little longer, before she declared herself beyond the i)ower of retracting. These interesting scruples added fuel to my flame and impatience to my hope. I re- doubled my complaints of her indifference, and pressed her to an assignation witli such fervid entreaties, that, in a few days, she consented to meet me at the house of that milliner who had forwarded all my letters. During the interval between the date of her promise and the hour of appointment, my pride soared beyond all reason and description ; 1 lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the world. At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous, and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten minutes when I heard the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet ascending the stairs. My heart took the alarm, and beat quick ; my cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstasy ! I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, anrl sprung forward to embrace my charmer ! Heaven and earth ! — how sliall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wTinkled hag, turned of seventy ! I was struck dumb with amazement, and petri- fied vA'Ca. horror ! This ancient Urganda per- ceived my disorder, and approaching wAVa. a languishing air, seized my hand, asking, in a squeaking tone, if I was iiidisposed. Her mon- strous affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at first appearance ; and it was a long time before I could command myself so much as to behave with common civility. At length, however, I recollected myself, and pro- nounced an apology for my behavioiu-, which, I said, proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a sudden. My hoary dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum ; then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play M'ith her fan ; then toss her head, that I might not per- ceive a palsy that shook it ; ask some childish questions with a lisping accent ; giggle and grin with her jnouth shut, to conceal the ravages of time upon, her teeth ; leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in her chair to show her agility, and act a great many more absurdi- ties that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I was at my disappointment, my dis- position was incapable of aft'ronting any person who loved me. I therefore endeavoured to put a good face on the matter for the present, re- solved to drop the whole affair as soon as I should get clear of her company. With this view I uttered some civil things, and, in parti- cular, desh-ed to know the name and condition the lady who had honoured me so much. S! told me her name was Withers ; that she 1 with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governe his only daughter, in which situation ^ had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to roAke her easy for life ; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my appearance and deport- ment made such an impression upon her heart, that she could enjoy no ease until she had in- quired into my character, which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded /fo the violence of her inclination, and ventured^ to de- clare her passion, -vvith too little regard, perhaps. ISO THE WORK'S OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to the decorum of her sex ; but she hoped I would forgive a trespass of wliich I myself was, in some measure, the cause, and impute hor in- trusion to tjie irresistible dictates of love. No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more reluctance than I felt in making a reply suit- able to this compliment, when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my i)ower ; and vet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna, I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I talked en cavalier, and even made love to this anticjuated coquette, who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her allurements to make her imagined con- quest more secure. The good woman of the house treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was. Left thus to our mutual endearments. Miss Withers (for she was still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and ex- pressed so much impatience in all her behaviour, that had she been lifty years younger, I might possibly have gratified her longing without hav- ing recourse to the church ; but this step my virtue, as well as interest, forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses ; but should he once grant her the favoui', he will never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities and reproaches. It was my busi- ness to defer the ceremony as long as possible, under the most specious pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the meantime ; and I did not despair of success, when I considered that, iu the course of our cor- respondence, I .should, in all probability, be in- vited to visit my mistress in her o\n\ apartment, and by these means have an opportunity of con- versing with her charming ward. Pleased wth this prospect, my heart dilated wth joy, I talked in raptures to the stale govemante, and kissed her shrivelled hand with great devotion. She was so much transported with her good fortune, that she could not contain her ecstasy, but flew upon me like a tigress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine ; when (as it was no doubt concerted by her e\il genius) a dose of garlic she had swal- lowed that morning, to dispel wind, I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shock with any degree of temper. 1 lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat and cane, and ran down stairs as if the devil had me in pursuit, and could scarce refrain the convulsion of my bowels, which were grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted me. Strap, who waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive iu the utmost disorder, stood motionless with ap- prehension, and durst not inquire into the cause. Alter I had washed my mouth more than once, and recruited my sj)irits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had happened ; to which he made no other reply for some time, than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a hollow groan. At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended with the smell of garlic. "Ah ! God help us," said he, " 'tis not the steams of garlic — no, nor of something else, that woulil give me the least uneasiness ; see what it is to be a cobbler's son." I replied hastily, " I ^vish, then, you woitld go and retrieve my miscarriage." At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, and left the room, .shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented my abrupt departure so much that her love changed into disdain, or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know not ; but I was never troubled again with her passion. CHAPTER LI. / cultivate an acquaintance with two Xohlevwn — Am introduced to Earl Strutwell — Jlis hind Promises and Invitation — The Behaviour of his Porter and Lacquey— He receives me with an appearance of xincommon Affection — Under- takes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister — Informs me of his Success, and wishes me joy — Introduces a Conversation about Petronius Arbiter — Falls in love with my Watch, which I press upon him — I make a Present of a Dia- mond Ring to Lord Straddle — Impart my good Fortune to Strap, and Banter, w/io disabuses me, to my utter Mortification. Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts to- wards some employment under the government ; with the view of procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I foimd these young noblemen as open to my ad- vances as I could desire. I accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns, where I had the honour of pay- ing the reckoning. I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of friendship, to dis- close my desire of being settled in some sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swill- pot, squeezing my hand, said I might depend upon his service, by God. The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express an inclination to be intro- duced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoke to his father these three years ; and Straddle assured me his father having lately dis- obliged the minister, by subscribing his name to a protest in the House of Peers, was thereby rendered incapable of serving his friends at pre- sent ; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This ofler I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependants, and was ushered to a particular closet audience ; from whence in a few minutes he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand, a.ssured me he would do me all the ser\'ice he could, and desired to see me often. 1 was charmed with my reception, and altliough I had heard that a courtier's promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered .so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl's countenance, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I resolved, theielore, to profit by this permission, and waited on him next audience day, when 1 was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying tnat he wanted half an hour's THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. iSr conversation -vvitli me in private, when he should 1)6 disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow morning. This invitation, which did not a little Hatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship's house at the time appointed. Having rapped at tlie gate, the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself iu the gap, like soldiers in a breach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stirring ! He answered with a surly aspect, "No." "At what hour does he com- monly rise ?" said I. " Sometimes sooner, some- times later," said he, closing the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his lordsliip's own appointment ; to which intima- tion this Cerberus replied, " I have received no orders about tlie matter;" and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected my- self all of a sudden, and, slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would in- ■quire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the indif- ference of a tax-gatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten minutes iu this place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, stared at me ; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, "Pray, sir, what is your business?" and asked the same question I had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the fire, and looked at me again vvith gi-eat earnestness ; upon which I began to perceive his meaning, and tip- ping him with half a crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the earl know that 1 was in the house. He made a low bow, said "Yes, sir," and vanished. This Taounty was not throvvn away, for in an instant lie came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received with gi'eat kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found just risen, in his morning gown and slippers. After l)reakfast he entered into a particular conversa- tion with me about my travels, the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much ; he frequently squeezed my hand, and looking at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in my ■behalf. "Young men of your qualifications," said he, "ought to be cherished by every ad- ministration. For my own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage the" least appearance of genius and virtue to the utmost of my power — you have a great deal of both ; and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken, tut you must lay your account vvith mounting "by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you under- •stand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to cross the sea as secretary to an em- bassy ?" I assured his lordship, -with great eager- ness, that nothing could be more agi-eeable to my inclination. Upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of generosity afi'ected me so much, that I was un- able for some time to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could not even help shedd3n tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who in sooner perceived them, than he caught nio in his arms, and hugged and kissed me with a seemingly patenial atfection. Confounded at this uncom- mon instance of fondness for a stranger, I re- mained a few moments silent and asliamed, then rose and took my leave, after he had assured nie that he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day ; and desired that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at his levee, but come at the same hour every day when he should be at leisure, that is, three times a week. Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my prospect from every- body, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of success ; and, in the meantime, give my patron no respite from my solicitations. Wlieu I renewed my visit, I found the street door open to me, as if by enchantment ; but, in my passage towards the presence room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious looks at me, the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his success with the premier, who, he said, had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of tlieir respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign court, in quality of secretary to an ambassador and pleni- potentiaiy, who was to set out in a few weeks, on an aflair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply than kneel, and at- tempt to kiss my benefactor's hand ; which sub- mission he wo\ild not permit, but, raising me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. Wliat enhanced the value of the benefit still more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the convei-sation to another subject. Among other topics of dis- course, that of the Belles Lettres was introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and erudition, and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity. " Here 's a book," said he, taking one from his bosom, " written with great elegance and spirit, and though the subject may give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author wiU always be held in esteem by every person of wit and learn- ing." So sajang, he put into my hand Petrouius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and manner. I told him that, in my opinion, he WTote with great ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals and taste. " I o\ni," replied the earl, " that his taste in love is generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws ; but perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and mis- apprehension than to true reason and delibera- tion. The best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion ; one of the wisest of tlieir legislatoi-s has permitted the in- dulgence of it in his commonwealth ; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it. At this day it prevails not only over all the east, but in most parts of Europe ; in our own coimtry it gains ground apace, and in all probability wiU become in a short time a more fashionable vice than simple foniication. Indeed, there is some- thing to be said in vindication of it ; for, not- withstanding the severity of the law against oflenders in this way, it must be confessed that 152 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. the practise of this passion is unattended with that curse and burden upon society, wliicli jiro- ceeds from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and ^\Tetched^ess, or bred up to prey upon the com- monwealth. And it likewise prevents the de- bauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of honest men's wives ; not to men- tion the consideration of health, which is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny, that degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have been told that there is another motive, perhaps more powerful than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination, namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success." From this discourse I beg, begged I would excuse his importunity, and discharge the debt. Though I could ill si^are so much cash, my pride took'the resolution of disbursing it. This I did in a cavalier manner, after he had^vi-ittcn a discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and resentment I saw he was resolved that I should not be long in his books ; while Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his nether lip, and tumed yellow wdth despair. Whatever appearance of indlfi'erence my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this demand, which I had no sooner satisfied than I hastened into company, with a Aiew of beguiling my cares with conversation, or of di'owning them with wine. After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, from whence we mljounied to the tavern, where, instead of sharing the mirth of the companj', I was as much chagrined at their good humour as a damneii soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven. In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper : the wine had lost its effect upon me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, could not even lay me asleep. Banter, ■who was the only intimate I had (Strap excepted), perceived my anxiety, and, when we broke up, reproached me with pusillanimity for being cast down at any disappointment that such a rascal a-s Strutwell could be the occasion of. I told him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my misfortune, and gave him to under- stand that my present grief did not so much ])ro- ceed from that disappointment as from the low ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas. At this declaration he cried, " Psha ! is that all ?" and assured me there were a thousand ways of living in town without a fortuue, he hunself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit. I expressed an eager desire of being acquainted with some of these methods, and he, %\ithout further expostulation, bade me follow him. He conducted me to a house imder the piazzas in Covent Garden, wliich we entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fel- low who demanded them at the foot of the stair- case, ascended to the second story, where I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming tables, loaded in a manner with gold and silver. My conductor told me this was the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who, using the privilege of his peerage, had set up public gaming-tables, from the profits of which he drew a comfortable livelihood. He then explained the difference between the sitters and the betters ; characterized the first as old rooks, and the last as bubbles, and advised mc to try my foiiune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a time. Before I would venture anything, I considered the com- pany more particularly ; and there appeared such a group of villanous laces that I was struck with hon"or and a.stonishment at the sight ! I signi- fied my surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear that the bulk of those present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices who, having em- bezzled their masters' cash, maer.suasion to continue the play. I lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried to the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away in a pet. Meanwhile, my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire for more increased in proportion ; so that I moved to the higher table, where I laiil half a guinea on every throw, and fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I remained until it was broad day, when I found myself, after many vicissitudes, one hundred and iifty guineas in pocket. Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if anybody would take my place, and made a motion to rise, upon which an old Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money, started up witli fury in his looks, crying, " Jie-stez, /outre, rcstcz, ilfaut doiviier moi vion ravauchio !" At the .same time, a Jew who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art than fortune for what I had got ; that ho had observed me wipe the table very often, and that some of the divisions seemed to be grea.sy. This intimation produced a gi"eat deal of clamour against me, especially among the losers, who threatened with many oaths and imprecations to take me uj) by a war- rant as a shai-per, unless I would compromise the atlair by refunding the greatest part of my win- ning. Though I was far from being easy under this accusation, I relied upon my innocence, threatened in my turn to pro.secute the Jew for defamation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of any justice in West- minster ; but they knew themselves too well to put their characters on that issue, and finding I was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their plea, and made way for me to with- draw. I would not, however, stir from the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly. As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread upon the toes of a tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick eye- brows, a pigtail wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his forehead, who stood gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and no sooner felt the application of my shoe-heel, than he roared out in a tremendous voice, "Blood and wounds ! you son of a whore, what's that for V I asked pardon with a great deal of submission, anil protested I had no intention of hurting him. But the more I humbled myself, the more he stormed, and insisted upon gentlemanly satis- faction, at the same time provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up with ; so that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him to follow me down to the piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused my invitation, saying he would choose his own time, and returned to- wards the table, muttering threats which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard ; but descending with great deliberation, received my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea, according to the custom of that place, and weut home in a rapture of joy. My faithful valet, who had sat up all night in the utmost uneasiness on my account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and fol- lowed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in expectation of hear- ing that every shilling was spent. I guessed tha situation of his thoughts, and, assuming a sullen look, l)ade him fetch me some water to wash. He replied, without lifting his eyes from the ground, " In my simple conjecture you have more occasion for rest, not having, I suppose, slept these four- and-twenty hours." "Bring me some water," said I, in a peremptorj' tone ; upon which he sneaked away, shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned, I had spread my whole stock on the table in the most ostentatious manner ; so that, when it first saluted his view, he stood like one entranced, and having rubbed his eyes more than once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, "Lord have mercy upon us! what a vast treasure is here !" " 'Tis all our own, Strap," said I ; " take what is necessaiy, and redeem the sword immediately." He advanced towards the table, stopped short by the way, looked at the money and me by turns, and, with a wildncss in THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. IS5 his coimtenanco, produced from joy checked by- distrust, cried, "I daresay it is honestly come by." To remove his scruples, I made him ac- quainted with the wliole story of my success, which when he heard, he danced about the room in an ecstasy, ciying, "God be praised ! a wliite stone ! — God be praised ! a white stone ! " so tliat I was afraid the sudden change of fortune had disordered his intellects, and that he was run mad with joy. Extremely concerned at this event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose ; for, without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhapsody of "God be praised ! a white stone ! " At last I rose in the utmost consternation, and, laying violent hands iipon him, put a stop to liis extravagance by fixing him down to a settee that was in the room. This constraint banished his delirium ; he started, as if just awoke, and, terrified at my behaviour, cried, "What is the matter?" When he learned the cause of my apprehension, he was asliamed of his transports, and told me that, in mentioning the white stone, he alluded to the dies fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati. Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me there was a gentlewoman at the door, who wanted to speak with me. Surprised at this information, I bade Strap show her up, and in less than a minute saw a young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my room. After half-a-dozen curtseys, she began to sob, and told me her name was Gawky ; upon which information I immediately recol- lected the features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of my misfortunes. Though I had all the reason in the world to resent her treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at her distress, and professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced, desired her to sit, and inquired into the particiilars of her situation. She fell upon her knees, and implored my forgiveness for the injuries she had done me, protesting before God that she was forced, against her inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, who having been afterwards renounced by his father, on account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a family on his pay, left his wife at her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany, where he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen, since which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her misfor- tune to bear a child four montlis after marriage, by which event her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors with the infant, that died soon after ; and had hitherto subsisted in a miserable indigent manner, on the extortedcharity of a few friends, who were now quite tired of giving ; that not knowing where or how to support her- self one day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, who, of all mankind, had the least cause to assist her, relying iipon the generosity of my disposition, which she hoped would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest manner on the ^vretch who had -vvi-onged me. I was very much affected with her discoui-se, and having no cause to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and promised to be- friend her as much as lay in my power. Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to make my innocence ap- pear, so unhappily was my accusation circum- stanced. Straj) indeed had laboured to justify me to the schoolmaster ; but, fur from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropped all correspondence with him, because he refused to quit his connexion with me. Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer than that which now presented itself. I therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that, before I would yield her the least assistance, she should do mo the justice to clear my reputation, by explaining upon oath, before a magistrate, the whole of the conspiracy, as it had been executed against me. Wlien she had given me this satisfaction, I pre- sented her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she could scarce be- lieve the evidence of her senses, and was ready to worship me for my benevolence. The declara- tion, signed with her own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with his friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my vindication. After mutual salutation. Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treatment I had received ; but I saved him a good deal of breath, by inter- rupting his harangue, and assuring him that, far from entertaining a resentment against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after such strong presump- tions of guilt appeared against me. Mr. Con- coi'dance, thinking it now his turn to speak, ob- served, that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not have been otherwise with any honesty of intention. "In- deed," said he, "if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural intelligence, if it had been whispered by a genie, commxmicated by a dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in crediting ocular demonstration ; but as we are left in the mist of mortality, it cannot be expected we shoidd be incapable of imposition. I do assure you, Mr. Random, no man on earth is more pleased than I am at this triumph of your character ; and as the news of your misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this manifestation of your innocence makes my midriff quiver -with joy." I thanked him for his concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who judged harshly of me, and, having treated them with a glass of wine, represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity on her for life ; but could not be per- suaded to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed that she woiild never see her. CHAPTER Lin. / purchase new Clothes — Reprimand StrutweU and Straddle — Banter proposes another Matri- monial Scheme— I accept of his Terms — Set out for Bath in a Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother — The Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer — Our Fellow-Travellers de- scribed — A smart Dialogue between my Mistress and the Captain. Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly at ea.se, and looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gen- 156 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT tleinan in want, bccAnic more gay than ever. Although my clothes wore almost as good as new, I grew ashajned of wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time had got an in- ventory of uiy wardrobe ; for which reason I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a sales- man in Monniouth-street for half the value, and bought two new suits with the money. I like- wise purchased a plain gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to StrutwcU, wliom, notwithstanding, I still con- tinued to visit at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a secretary of Ins own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great fiecdom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom I in person re- proached for misrepresenting to me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect. He seemed verj^ much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth ; and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner, that I left him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour. About this time Banter, who had obseiTed a sui-prising and sudden alteration in my appear- ance and disposition, began to iu([uire very minutely into the cause ; and as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free ■with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who at the same time had ]>romised to use all his interest, wliicli was not small, in soliciting some post for me that shoiUd make me easy for life. " If that be the ca.se," said Banter, "perhaps yoxi won't care to mortify yourself a little, in making your fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath next week, ■vvith an only daughter, who, being sickly and decrepit, iaten(ls to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a for- tune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my kms- woman. I would have jiut in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between the old woman and me. You must know that some time ago I borrowed a small sum of her, and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain time ; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the day elapsed without my being able to take uji my note ; upon which she vrote a peremptorj- letter, threatening to arrest me if I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at tliis i)recise behaviour, I sent a damn'd severe answer, which enraged her so much that she actually took out a writ against me. Where- ujion, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make my retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous epithets, wliich gave me inainly to understand that I had notliing to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other. As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a Quaker. Now, if you will give me an obligation for five hundred pounds, to be paid six months after your mar- riage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all ojiposition." This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The ^mting was immetliately drawn up and executed ; and Banter giving me notice of the time when, and the stage-coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience, and having hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed with the prosjiect, set forward accordingly. As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even of Iicrceiving the number and sex of my fellow-tra- vellers, although I guessed that the coach was full, by the dilhculty I found in seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when, all of a sudden, the coach neeling to one side, a boisterous voice pronounced, "To the right and left, cover your flanks, damme ! whiz !" I easily discovered, by the tone and matter of this exclamation, that it was uttered by a son of JIars. Neither was it hard to conceive the pro- fession of another person who sat opposite to me, and observed that we ought to have been well satisfied of the security before we entered upon the premises. These two sallies had not the de- sired effect. We continued a good while as mute as before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into a meeting of Quakers. " I believe so, too," said a shrill female voice at my left hand, " for the spirit of folly begins to move." "Out with it, then, madam," replied the soldier. " You seem to have no occasion for a^midwife," cried the lady. "Damn my blood !" "exclaimed the other, "a man can't talk to a woman but she immeiliately thinks of a midwife." " True, sir," said she, " I long to be delivered." " What ! of a mouse, madam?" said he. "No, sir," said she, "of a fool." "Are you far gone with a fool?" said he. "Little more than two miles," said she. "By Gad, you are a mt, madam," cried the officer. " I wish I could with any justice return the compliment," said the ladj^ "Zounds, I have done," said he. " Your bolt is soon shot, according to tlie old proverb," said she. The warrior's powder was quite spent ; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution ; and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told her she must not let her tongue run so fust among strangers. This reprimand, softened with the appellation of child, convinced me that the satirical lady was no other than Miss Snajiper, and I resolved to regulate my conduct accord- ingly. The champion, finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and be^an to ex- patiate on his own exploits. " You talk of shot, madam," said he ; " damme ! I have both given and received some shot in my time. I was wounded in the shoulder by a pistol-ball at Det- tiiigen, where — I say nothing— but by Gad ! if it iiad not been for me — all's one for that — I despise boasting, damme ! whiz ! " So saying, he whistled one part and hummed another of the Black Joke ; then addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus : "Wouldn't you think it daiiiu'd hard, after having, at the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 157 paius ? I don't choose to name no names, sink rie ! but liowsomever, this I Avill refer, by Gad ; and that is this : a musketeer of tlio French guards, having taken a standard froni a certain cornet of a certain regiment, dannne ! was re- treating with his prize as fast a.s his horse's heels could carry him, sink me ! Upon which I snatched up a firelock that belonged to a dead man, damme ! whiz ! and shot his horse under him, damn my blood ! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to oppose me ; upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him through the body, by Gad ! One of his com- rades, coming to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before ; another gave me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his carbine ; but damme ! that did not signify. I killed one, put the other to flight, and, taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately. But the best joke of all was, the son of a bitch of a cornet who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, demanded it from me, in the fi'ont of the line. ' Damn my blood !' says he, 'where did you find my standard ?' says he. ' Damn my blood,' said I, 'where,' said I, 'did you lose it?' said I. * That 's nothing to you,' says he ; ' 'tis my standard,' says he, 'and by God I'll have it,' says he. ' Damnation seize me,' says I, ' if you shall,' says I, 'till I have first delivered it to the general,' says I ; and accordingly I went to the head-quai-ters, after the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me ; but I am no more than a poor lieutenant stiU, damn my blood." Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had not been requited accord- ing to his deserts ; observed, that the laboui'er is always worthy of his hire, and asked if the pro- mise was made before ^vitnesses, because in that case the law would compel the general to per- form it ; — but understanding that the promise was made over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded to inquire into the particulars of the battle, and affirmed, that although the Eng- lish had drawn themselves into a preraunire at first, the French managed their cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, that they would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not ob- tained a noliproseciui. In spite of these enliven- ing touches, the conversation was like to suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that coiild be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company with a song ; and interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, began to warble, a fashionable air, the first stanza of which he pronounced thus : — " Would you task the moon-ty'd hair, To yo'a flagrant beau repair ; Whe'e waving with the popling vow, The bantling line will shelter you," etc. The serise of the rest he perverted as he went on, with -such smyjrising facility that I could not help thinlving he had been at some pains to bur- lesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to "che true cause, namely, ignorance ; and when he asked her how she relished his music, answered, tliat, in her opinion, the music and the wordf, were much of a piece. " Oil, damn my blooo. ! " said he, " I take that as a high compli- ment! ; for eveiybody allows the words are damn- able fiiie." " They may be so," replied the lady, " for' aught I know, but they are above my com- prehension. " "lan't obliged to find you com- preUension, madam, curse me ! " cried he. "No, nor to speak sen.se neither," said she. " Damn my heart," said he, " I '11 speak what I please." Here the lawyer uiterposed oy telling hiiu there were some things he must not speak. And upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned trea- son and defamation. " As for the king," cried the soldier, " God bless him ; I eat hi.s bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing to say to him ; but by Gad, I dare say an}i,hing to any other man." "No," said the lawyer, "you dare not call me a rogue." "Damme, for what?" said the other. "Be- cause," replied the counsellor, "I should have a good action against you, and recover." "Well, well," cried the ofiicer, "if I dare not call you a rogue, I dare think you one, damme." This stroke of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, except to clear his pipe with three liems, which, however, produced nothing. CHAPTER LIV. Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of mewing the Person of Miss Snapper, whom I had not seen before— The Soldier is ivilty upon me — Is offended — Talks much of his Valour— Is re- primanded hy a grave Gentleivoman — We are alarmed with the Cry of Highwaymen — / get out of the Coach, and stand in my own De- fence — They ride off without having attacked us — I pursue them— One ofthein is thrown from, his Horse and taken— I return to the Coach — Am compilimented by Miss Snappier— The Cap- tain's Behaviour on this Occasion — The Prude rejrroaches me in a soliloquy — / upbraid her in the same manner — The Behaviour of Mrs. Snap)per o.t Breakfast disobliges me — The Lawyer is witty upo7i the Officer, who threatens him. In the meantime, day breaking in upon ns, dis- covered to one another the faces of their fellow- travellers, and I had the good fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me. Her head, in- deed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by her face ; but she had a certam delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black ; and though the protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to con- gratulate myself, if it should be my fate to pos- sess twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. I began therefore to deliberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved my project in silence ; while the conversation was maintained as before by the object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time had recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who was so much absorbed in contemplation that I neither heard the reference nor the question, which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted at 158 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. my supposed contempt, tlie soldier, with great vociferation, swore I was either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I looked as if I could not say Boh to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection 5o/i/ Upon which he cocKed his hat in a fierce m.inner, and cried, "Damme, sir, what d'ye mean by tliat?" Had I intended to answer him, which, by the bye, was not my design, I should have been antici- pated by Miss, who told him my meaning was to show that I could cry Boh to a goose ; and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her explanation and niirtli did not help to ap- pease his N\Tath, which broke out in several mar- tial insinuations, such as, " I do not understand such freedoms, damme ! Damn my blood ! I 'm a gentleman, and liear the king's commission. 'Sblood ! some people deserve to have their noses piUled for tlieir impertinence." I thought to have checked these ejaculations by a frown ; because he had talked so much of his valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a lion's skin ; but this expedient did not answer my expectation. He took umbrage at the contraction of my brows, swore he did not value my sulky looks a tig's end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect us all from attempts of highwaymen during our journey. "Make yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam," replied the officer. " I have got a pair of pistols (here they are) which I took from a horse-officer at the battle of Dettingen ; they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in England robs you of the value of a pin, while I have the honour of being in your company, damn my heart." When he liad expressed him- self in tliis manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before ladies. "Damme, madam," cried the champion, "if you are so much afraid at sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire if there should he occasion ?" She then told him, that if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach immedi- ately, and walk to the next village, where she might ]3rocure a convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my dulcinea inter- posed, and observed that, far from being offended at a gentleman's using his arms in his owni de- fence, she thought herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people who have but little to lose, are some- times the most solicitous about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that peo])le ought to be very well informed before they spoke slightingly of other people's fortimes, lest tliey discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter declared that she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches ; and if the lady who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my mistress ; and even wished for an opportunity of distin- guishing my courage under her eye, which 1 be- lieved could not fail of prepossessing her in my favour ; when, all of a sudden. Strap rode up t<> the coach door, and told us, in a great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and made directly towards us. This piece of information was no sooner delivered than Mrs. Snapper began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the other lady pulled out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while he pronounced, "'Tis no matter; we'll sue the county, and recover." The captain gave evident signs of confusion ; and I, after having com- manded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the wairior to follow me. But finding him backward and astonished, I took his pistols, and giving them to Strap, who had by this time alighted, and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback, and taking my own, which I coidd better depend upon, from the holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on horseback, and another man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some dis- tance to reconnoitre us, and, after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way as they came, at a hand-gallop. A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time, I oflered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them : which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them, and then tiring at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them as fast as our beasts could carry us ; but not being so well mounted as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, andv was taken -without the least opposition ; while'-his comrade consulted his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his. friend. AVe scarce had time to make ourselves^ masters of hi-s arms, and tie his hands together, before he recovered his senses, when, learning liis situation, he arfected surprise, demanded to know by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the mean- time we perceived Strap coiping up with a crowd of people, ai-med with differeJit kinds of weapons ; and among the rest a farmer, who no sooner per- ceived the thief, whom we liad secured, than ho cried with great emotion, "T?iere's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago of tAVenty pounds in a canvas bag." He was immedii^tcly searched, and the money found exactly as it '.\iad been de- scribed ; ujjon which we committed .him to the charge of the countryman, who can'ied him to the towai of Hounslow, which it seenis the far- mer had alarmed ; and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where J foiind the captain and lawyer busy in adiuiu.jstering smelling-bottles and cordials to the gravt^ l^y» who had gone into a fit at the noise of the .firing- Wien 1 had taken my seat. Miss Snappei l> who from the coach had seen everything that ', hi^P" j)ened, made me a compliment on my behavyf)^^'"* and said she was glad to see me returned Vvith- out having received any injury : her mother^ too> owned herself obliged to my resolution ; and, ^^ lawyer told me that I was entitled by Ac^ of Parliament to a reward of forty pounds, for l.iav- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 159 iiig apprehended a highwayman. The sohlier observed, with a cowntenance in wliich impu- dence and shame struggling produced some dis- order, that if I had not been in such a danin'd hurry to get out of the coach, he would liavc secured the rogues effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme which my heat and precipitation ruined. " For my own part," continued he, " I am always extremely cool on these occasions." "So it appeared, by your trembling," said the young lady. " Death and damnation," cried he, " your sex protects you, madam ; if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I 'd send him to hell, damn my heart ! in an instant." So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had seen him tremlile? I answered without hesitation, "Yes." "Damme, sir," said he, " d' ye doubt my courage ?" I re- plied, "Very much." This declaration quite disconcerted him. He looked blank, and pro- nounced with a faltering voice, " Oh ! 'tis very well— danm my blood ! I shall find a time." I signified my contempt of him by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey. The precise lady having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of honour into such quan- daries as might endanger their lives ; and pro- fessed her surprise that women were not ashamed to commend such bi'utality ; at the same time vowing that for the future she would never set foot in a stage-coach, if a private convenience conld be had for love or money. Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my sentiments, and won- dered in my turn, that any woman of common sense should be so unreasonable as to expect that people, who had neither acquaintance or connexion with her, would tamely allow them- selves to be robbed and maltreated merely to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise con- fessed my astonishment at her insolence and in- gratitude in taxing a person with bmtality, who deserved her approbation and acknowledgment ; and vowed that if ever we should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection. This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any farther, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the crest-fallen captain, while I entered into discoui'se with my charmer, who was the more pleased with my con- versation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with judgment ; but she laboured vtnder such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack ! However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys attending the possession of twenty thou- sand pounds, I forgot her imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and endeavoured to in- sinuate myself into her affection. The careful mother kept a strict watch over her, and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities of discouraging our com- munication, by reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less and think more. Abridged of the xise of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I found the young lady very eloquent in tliis kind of discourse. In short, I had reason to believe that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and that I should find it no difficult mat- ter to supersede her authority. When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted, and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother, who called for a private room, to which they with- drew, in order to eat by themselves. As they retired together, I perceived that Miss hafl got more twists from nature than I had before ob- served, for she was bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very much re- sembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the captain for her messmate, and ordered break- fast for two only to be brought into another separate room ; while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of the company, were fain to pxit up with each other. I was a good deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I thought, did not use me with all the complaisance I de- served ; and my companion declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years, and never knew the stage-coach rules so much infringed before. As for the honourable gentlewoman, I could not conceive the meaning of her attachment to the lieutenant ; and asked the la^vJ'er if he knew for which of the soldier's virtues she admired him ? The coirnsellor facetiously rejilied, " I suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement in tail. " I could not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained me during breakfast ■with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at the expense of our fellow-travellers ; and among other things said, he was soiTy to find the young lady saddled with such encumbi-ances. When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with sixpence, to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by huiTying them away in the midst of their meal. This task he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with his importunate clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons first, and coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire the coachman's assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. They were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared as much heated as if he had been pui-sued a dozen, miles by an enemy ; and immediately after him came the lady, not without some marks of dis- order. Having helped her up, he entered him- self, growling a few oaths against the coachman for his impertinent interruption ; and the lawyer comforted him by saying, that if he had suf- fered a nisi prius through the obstinacy of the defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue at the next stage. This last expression. gave offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him re- pent of such obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company before. At this insinuation, the captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing the lady's cause ; and accordingly threatened to cut oft' the lawyer's ears, if he should give his tongue any such liber- ties for the future. The poor counsellor begged pardon, and imiversal silence ensued. t6o THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. CHAPTER LV. / rtaolve to ingraliale myself with the Mother, and am favoured by accident — The precise Lady Jinds her Husband, and quits the Coach — T/ie Captain is disappointed of his Dinner — yVe arrive at Bath — / accompany Miss Snapper to the Long Room, where she is al- iased by Beau Nash, and turns the laugh against llim, — / make Love to her, and receive a Chech— Squire her to an Assetnbly, where I am blessed with a sight of my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so mvich, that Miss Snapper, observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the cause— Is piqued at tlie occasion, and, in our way Home, pays me a sarcastic compliment— I am met by Miss Williams, who is Maid and Confidant of Narcissa-Slie ac- quaints me with her Lady's regard for me while under the disguise of a Servant, and describes tlie transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the Assembly in the character of a Gen- tleman — / am surprised with an account of her Aunt's mai-riage, and make an appoint- ment to meet Miss Williams next day. DuBiNG this unsocial interval, my pride and in- terest maintained a severe conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one represented as unworthy of notice, and the other proposed as the object of my whole attention ; the advan- tages and disadvantages attending such a match ■were opposed to One another by my imagination; and at length my judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that I resolved to prosecute my scheme M-ith all the address in my power. I thought I perceived some concern in her coun- tenance, occasioned by my silence, which she, no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her mother's behaviour; and as I believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my muteness to the same motive, I determinei to continue that sul- len conduct towards her, and fall upon some other method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter : nor was it difficult for me to make h(fv acquainted with my sentiments by the expres- sion of my looks, which I modelled into the charactei-s of humility and love ; and which were answered by her with all the sjTnpathy and ap- probation I could desire. But when I began to consider, that without further opportunities of improving my success, all tlie progress I had hitherto made would not much avail, and that such opportunities could not be enjoyed ■without the mother's permission, I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and sus- picion by my assiduities and resi)ectl'ul liehaviour on the road ; and she would in all likelihood in- vite me to visit her at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplish- ment of my purpose. And indeed accident fur- nished me with an opportunity of obliging her so much, that she could not, with any appearance of good manners, forbear to gratify my incli- nation. When wo arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables at the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us ; and in all likelihood my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their bchalt, and briljed the landlord with a glass of wine to curtail his lord- ship's entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent with my compliments to the ladies. Tliey accepted nay treat with a great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company at dinner, where I amused the old j,'i'ntlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease in the midst of my civility, tliat she signified a desire of being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at Bath. While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the pre- cise lady had the good fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman, or, in other words, valet-de-chambre, to the very nobleman whose coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house, she affected to show her power by introducing the captain to her spouse, as a person who had treated her with great civility, upon which he was invited to a share of their dinner, while the poorlawj-er, find- ing himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, and was, through my intercession, admitted into our company. Having satisfied our appe- tites, and made oui-selves merry at the expense of the person of honour, the civil captain, and com- plaisant husband, I did myself the pleasure of discharging the bill by stealth, for which I re- ceived a great many apologies and acknowledg- ments from my guests, and we re-embarked at the first warning. The officer was obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, ■which he despatched in the coach, cursing the inappe- tence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a whole hour. Nothing remarkable happened during the re- maining part of our journey, which was finished ne.rt daj', ■n'hen I waited on the ladies to the house of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and passing that night at the inn, took lodgings in the morning for myself. The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth seeing in the place, in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a letter of introduction ; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found Miss a good deal indisposed ■v\ath the fatigue of the jouniey. As they foresaw they should have occasion for a male acquaintance to squire them at all public E laces, I was received with great cordiality, and ad the mother's commission to conduct them next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered than the eyes of everybody present wei-c turned upon us ; and when we had suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our expense, which was accompanied with many contemptuous smiles and tittering observations, to my utter shame and confusion. I did not so much conduct as I'jllow my charge to a place where she seated her mother and herself with astonishing composure, notwithstanding the unmaimerly beha'viour ol the whole company, which seemed to be assumed merely to put her out of countenance. The cele- brated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends in this place as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their ill-nature still further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit. With this view he approached us with many bows and grimaces, and after havang welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing of all present, if she could inform him the name of Tobit's dog. I was so much incensed at his insolence, that 1 should certainly have kicked him where he stood, without ceremony, had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indig- nation by replying, with the utmost vivacitj', " Uis name was Nash, and an impudent dog he was." This repartee, so unexpected and just, raised such a universal laugh at the aggressor THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. i6l that all his assurance was insufficient to support Lini under their derision ; so that, after he had ■endeavoured to compose himself, by taking suuff, and forcing a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a very ludicrous attitude, wliile my dulciuea was applauded to the skies for the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people of both sexes in the room. This event, with which I was infinitely pleased at first, did not fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered that the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more her pride would be inflamed, and consequently the obstacles to my success multiplied and en- larged. Nor were my presaging fears untrue. That very night I perceived her a little intoxi- cated with the incense she had received, and though she still behaved with a particular civility to me, I foresaw that as soon as her fortune should be kno^vn, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some one of whom might possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved therefore to lose no time, and being invited to spend the evening with them, found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's vigilance, to explain the mean- ing of my glances in the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person. She blushed at my declaration, and in a favourable manner disapproved of the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our bemg strangers to each other, and desiring I would not be the means of interrupting our acquaintance by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry for the future. My ardour was effectually checked by this reprimand, which was, however, delivered in such a gentle manner that I had no cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother re- lieved me from a dilemma in which I should not have known how to demean myself a minute longer. Xeither could I resume the easiness of carriage with which I came in. My mistress acted on the reserve, and the conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman of the house, and proposed a hand at whist. Wliile we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the gentlewoman that there was to be an assembly next night, at which I begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended her, assiured me she never did dance, but signified a desire of seeing the company, when I offered my service, which was accepted ; not a little proud of being exempted from appearing with her in a situation that, notwithstanding my profession to the con- trary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination. Having supped, and continued the game till such time as the successive yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my leave and went home, where I made Strap very happy with an account of my progi-ess. Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she wa.s laid up with the toothache, and that Miss was to be entrusted to my care. Accordingly, we set out for the ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took possession of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a quarter of an hour, when a gentleman dressed in a green frock came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately discovered to be the adorable Nar- cissa ! Good Heaven ! what were the thril lings of my soul at that instant ! my reflection was overwhelmed with a toiTent of agitation : my heart throbbed with surprising violence : a sudden mist overspread my eyes : my ears were itivaded with a dreadful sound : I panted for want of breath, and, in short, was for some moments en- tranced. This first tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagination. Everything that was soft, sensible, and engaging in the character of that dear creature recurred to my remembrance, and every favourable circum- stance of my own qualifications appeared in all the aggravation of self-conceit to heighten my expectation. Neither was this transport of long duration. The dread of her being already dis- posed of intervened, and overcast my enchanting reverie. My presaging apprehension represented her encircled in the amis of some happy rival, and of consequence for ever lost to me ! I was stimg with this suggestion, and believing the person who conducted her to bo the husband of this amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up to mark him for my ven- geance, when I recollected, to my imspeakable joy, her brother, the fox-himter, in the person of her gallant. Undeceived so much to my satisfac- tion in this particular, I gazed, in a frenzy of delight, on the irresistible charms of liis sister, who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame. At sight of me she started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks, and returned in a moment with a double glow that overspread her lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. I hailed these favourable sjTujitoms, and, lying in wait for her looks, did homage with my eyes. She seemed to approve my declaration by the complacency of her aspect, and I was so trans- ported with her discovery, that more than once I was on the point of making up to her to disclose the throbbings of my heart in person, had not that profound veneration which her presence always inspired, restrained the unseasonable im- pulse. All my powers being engrossed in this manner, it may easily be imagined how ill I enter- tained Miss Snapper, on whom I could not now turn my eyes without maldng comparisons very little to her advantage. It was not even in my power to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from time to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of mind ; and having a turn for observation, watched my glances, and tracing them to the divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she might, however, be convinced of the truth of her conjectiu'e, she began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments, perceived my attachment by my confusion. Upon which she assumed a stateliuess of behaviour-, and sat silent during the remaining part of the entertain- ment. At any other time her suspicion would have alarmed me, but now I was elevated by my passion above every other consideration. The mistress of my soul having retu'ed with her brother, I discovered so nmch imeasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home ; and while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodg- ings, took my leave, and went home in an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything that had happened to my confidant and humble servant Strap, who did not relish the accident so well as I expected, and observed, that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. "But, however," said he, "you know best, you know best." Next day, as I went 1 62 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to the Pump-room, in hopes of seeing or hearing Bome tidings of my fair enslaver, 1 was met by a gentlewoman who, having looked hard at me, cried, *' O Clirist ! Mr. Random !" Surprised at this exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and immediately recog- nised my old sweetheart and fellow-sufferer. Miss Williams. I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so well, and desired to know where I should have the ])leasure of her conver- sation. She was as heartily rejoiced at the appa- rent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know that she as yet had no habitation that she could properly call her o^vn, but would wait on me at any place I should please to appoint. Under- standing that she was unengaged for the present, I showed her the way to my own lodgings, where, after a verj' affectionate salutation, she infonned me of her being very happy in the service of a young lady, to wliom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into wliose family she had recommended herself by the honest deceit she had concerted while she lived with me in the garret at London. She then expressed a vehe- ment desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, and excused lier curio- sity on account of the concern she had for my interest. I forthwith gratified her request, and when I described my situation in Sussex, per- ceived her to attend to my story with particular eagerness. She inteniipted me when I had finished that period, with, " Good God ! is it pos- sible ?" and then begged I would be so good as to continue ray relation ; which I did as briefly as I could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture. When I had brought my adventures down to the present day, she seemed very much affected with the dif- ferent circumstances of my fortune, and saying with a smile she believed my distresses were now at a period, proceeded to infomi me that the lady whom she served was no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with her confi- dence for some time, in consequence of which trust she had often repeated the story of John Brown with great admiration and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not scruple to o^vn a tender approbation of his flame. 1 became delirious at this piece of intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of my happi- ness, and acted such extravagances, that she might have been convinced of my sincerity, had she not been satislied of my honour before. As soon as I was in condition to yield attention, she de- scribed the present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner reached her lodgings the night before than she closeted her, and, in a rapture of ioy, gave her to know that she had seen me at tlie ball, where I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with such advantage of transformation, that unless my image had been engraven on her heart, it would have been impos- i sible to know me for the person who had worn I her aunt's livery ; that, by the language of" my eyes, she was assured of the continuance of my passion for her, and consecjucntly of my being ■unengaged to any other, and that, though she did not doubt I would speedily fall upon some method of being introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had been sent abroad this very moniing, on purpose to learn the name and character I at present bore. My bosom had been hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed npon it. My faculties were overborne by the tide. It was some time before I could open my mouth, and much longer ere I could utter a coherent sentence. At length, I fervently requested her to lead me immediately to the oliject of my adoration. But she resisted my importunity, and explained the danger of such premature conduct. ''How favourable so- ever," said she, "my lady's inclination towards you may be, you may dejiend upon it she will not commit the smallest trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her o'W'n, or in receiving a declaration of your passion ; and although tho great veneration I have for you has prompted me to reveal what she comnmnicated to me in confidence, I know so well the severity of her sentiments with respect to the punctilios of her sex, that, if she should learn the least surmise ot it, she would not onlj' dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of her benevolence, biit also for ever shun the efforts of your love." I assented to tho justness of her remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her advice and direction. Upon which, it was concerted between us, that, for the present, I should be contented with her telling Narcissa that, in the course of her in- quiries, she could only learn my name ; and that if, in a day or two, I could fall upon no other method of being introduced to her mistress, sho would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her happiness ; and say that I met her in the streets, and bribed her to this piece of service. Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversation that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of which ho died five months ago ; that the savage was still unmarried ; and that his aimt had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the schoolmaster of the parish, for her lord and husband ; but matrimony not agreeing with her constitution, she had been hectic and dropsical a good while, and was now at Bath, in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health ; that her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the mistake she had committed ; and that her nephew, who had been exasjjerated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his attendance out of good-will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she should like- wise throw herself away, without his consent or approbation. Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave ; and Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the communication subsisting between us, I made him acqxiainted with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satis- faction. CHAPTER LVI. / become acquainted with Narcissa's Brother, who invites me to his House, where I am introduced to that adorable Creature — After Dinner, the S'juire retires to take his Nap — Freennan, guess- inq the Situation of my Thoughts, withdraws likewise on pretence of Business — / declare mif J'assion to Narcissa — Am well received — Charmed with her Conversation — The Srjuire detains us to Supper — / ehide his Design by a Stratagem, and get home Sober. In the afternoon I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been recommended by THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 163 Banter ; where I had not sat five minutes till the fox-hunter came in, find by his familiar behaviour appeared to be intimate with my friend. I was at first under some coneern, lest he should recol- lect my features ; but when I found myself intro- duced to liim as a gentleman from London, without being discovered, I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company, hoping tliat, in the course of our acquaintance, he would invito me to his house. Nor were my hopes frustrated ; for, as we spent the evening together, lie grew extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish questions about France and foreign parts ; and seemed so highly entertained with my answers, that, in his cups, he shook me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and, in fine, desired our company at dinner next day in his own house. My imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that night ; but, rising early in the morning, went to the place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success with the sqiure. She was very much pleased at the occasion, which she said could not fail of being agreeable to Nar- cissa, who, in spite of her passion for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and which she believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she did not know how. I was a good deal startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I shoiild find in barely doing myself justice : for, although it never was my intention to impose myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, I laid claim to the character of a gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour ; and yet, so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out, I should find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these, espe- cially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss Williams was as sensible as I of this my dis- advantage, but comforted me mth observing, that when once a woman has bestowed her affections on a man, she cannot help judging of him in all respects with a partiality easily influenced in his favour. She remarked, that although some situa- tions of my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous ; that my indigence had been the crime not of me, but of fortime ; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more for any dignified station, and would of consequence recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman. She therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate, and tiiist to the strength of her love and reflection for the rest. The sentiments of this sensible young woman, on this as well as on almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine ; I thanked her for the care she took of mj' Luterests, and promising to behave myself according to her direction, we parted, after she had assured me that I might depend upon her best offices with her mistress, and that she would from time to time communi- cate to me such intelligence as she should procure relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most fearful impatience ; and as the hour drew nigh, my heart beat v/ith such increased velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged. At last Mr. Free- man called at my lodgings, in his way, and I accompanied Mm to the house where all my happiness was deposited. We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat smoking his pijie in a jjarlour, and asked if we chose to drink any- thing before dinner. Though I never had more occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept his ofl"er, which was also refused by my frieniL We sat down, however, and entered into conver- sation, which lasted half-an-hom-, so that I had time to recollect myself ; and, so capricious were my thoughts, even to hope that Narcissa would not appear — when all of a sudden, a eer^'ant coming in, gave us notice that dinner was upon the table — and my perturbation returned with such violence, tliat I could scarce conceal it from the company as I ascended the staircase. When I entered tlie dining-room, the first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness, innocence, and beauty can dilfuse ! I was seized with a giddiness, my knees tottered, and I scarce had strength enough to jierfonn the ceremony of salutation, when her brother, slap- ping me on the shoulder, cried, " Measter Randan, that there is my sister." I approached her with eagerness and fear ; but in the moment of om- embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture ! It was a lucky cu-cumstance for us both, that my entertainer was not endued with an imcoramon stock of penetration ; for our mutual confusion was so manifest, that Mr. Freeman perceived it, and as wc went home together, congratulated me on my good fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertainingthe least suspicion, thathe encouraged me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unloiown to him, by telling her that he had brought a gentleman who could jabber mth her in French and other foreign Hugos, as fast as she pleased; then turning to me, said, "Odds bobs ! I wish you would hold discoiirse with her in your French or Italiano, and tell me if she imderstands it as well as she would be thought to do ; there 's her aunt and she will chatter to- gether whole days in it, and I can't have a mouth- ful of English for love or money." I consulted the look of my amiable mistress, and found her averse to his proposal, which she declined with a sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part of the company which did not understand the language in question. As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my eyes much more than my palate, which she tempted in vain with the most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, aud recommended by her persuasive tongue ; but all my other appetites were swallowed up in the immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on the delight- ful object. Dinner was scarce ended, when the squire became very drowsy, and, after several dreadful yawois, got up, stretched himself, took two or three turns across the room, begged we would allow him to take a short nap, and having laid a strong injunction on his sister to detain us till his return, went to his repose without further ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes, when Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and thiaking he could not do me a gi-eater favour than to leave me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and starting up, begged the lady's pardon for half-an-hour, for he had luckily remembered an engagement of some consequence, that he must perform at that instant ; so saying, he took his leave, promising to come back time enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in great confusion. Now tnat I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the pantings of my soul, I had not power to use it. I studied many pathetic declarations, but when I attempted i64 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to fjive thorn utterance, my toiifjue (leniL-d its office ; and slie sat silent, with a downcjist look, full of anxious nlarni, hor bosom heaving with expectation of somo f,Tcat event. At len^^tli I enaeavoureil to put an v\\\ to this solcnin ])au.so, and Le^an with, " It is very surprising;, madam — " Hero the sound «lying away, I made a full stop, while Narcissa, starting, blushed, and with a timid accent, answered, "Sir?" Confounded at this note of interro;;ation, I pronounced, with the most sheepish baslifulness, " Madam ?" To which she replied, " I bep pardon — I thought you had spoke to me." Another pause ensued — I made another effort ; and though my voice faltered very much at the bej^inning, made shift to express myself in this manner : " I say, madam, 'tis very surprisinj? that love should act so inconsistent with itself, as to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties ■when they have most need of them. Since the happy occasion of being alone with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex — a passion wliich took jiossession of my soul, while my cruel fate compelled me to wear a servile dis- guise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and, let me add, my deserts ; yet favourable in one respect, as it fumislied me with opportunities of scemg and adoring your perfections. Yes, madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me against a thousand dangers and calamities." While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan, and when I ceased speaking, recovering herself from the most beautiful confusion, told me she thouglit herself very much obliged by my favourable opinion of her, and that she was very soriy to hear I had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded ; owned myself sufficiently recompensed by hor kind compassion for what I hail undergone, and declared tliat the future happiness of my life depended solely upon her. "Sir," said she, "I should be very un- grateful, if, after the signal protection you once afforded me, I should refuse to contribute towards your happiness, in any reasonable condescension." Transjiorted at this acknowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable eye. She was alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her brother should discover mo in that pos- ture, and to spare her for the present upon a subject for which she was altogether unprepared. In consenuence of this remonstrance, 1 rose, assui'ing ner I would rather die than disobey her ; but in the meantime begged her to consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put upon my in- clinations in sacrificing them to her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said there would be no want of opportunities, i)ro- vidcd I could maintain the good opinion her brother had conceived of me ; and I, enchanted bjr her charms, seized her hand, wliich I weli- nigh devoured with kisses. But she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and desired I would not so far forget myself to her as to endanger the esteem she had for me ; she remindefl me of our being almost strangers to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing mo better before she could take any re- solution in my favour ; and, in short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, that T oecame as much enamoured of lier under- standing as I had been before of hor beauty, and a.sked pardon for my presumption with the ut- most reverence of conviction. She forgave my offence with her usual affability ; and sealed my panlon with a look so full of bewitching tender- ness, that for some minutes my senses were lost in ecstasy ! I afterwards endeavoured to regu- late my behaviour according to her desire, and tuni the conversation upou a more indifferent subject. But her presence was an insurmount- able obstacle to my design ; while I beheld so much excellence, 1 fouud it impossible to call my attention from the contemplation of it ! I gazed with unutterable fondness ! I grew mad with admiration ! " My condition is insupport- able !" cried I, " I am distracted with passion ! why are you so exquisitely fair? Why are you so enchantingly good? Why has nature digni- fied you with charms so much above the standard of women ? and, wretch that I am, how dares my uuworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of such perfection?" She was startled at my ravings, reasoned do\ra my transjiort, ami by her irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil felicity ; but, lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to entertain my imagi- nation. She chid me for having omitted to in- quire about her aunt, who, she assured me, in the midst of all her absence in temper, and de- tachment from common affairs, often talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration for the good lady, excused my omis- sion, by imputing it to the violence of ray love, wliich engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know the situation of her health. Upon wliich the amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard before of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her reputation that the subject would admit of ; told me she lived with her husband hard by, and was so much afflicted with the dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she had small hopes of her recovery. Having expressed my sorrow lor her distemper, I questionetl her about my good friend Mrs. Sagely, who I learned, to my great satisfaction, was still in good health, and who had, by the encomiums she bestowed upou me after I was gone, confirmed the favour- able impressions my behaviour at parting had made on Narcissa's heart. The circumstance in- troduced an inquiry into the conduct of Sir Timothy Thicket, who, she iufoiined me, had found means to incense her brother so much against me, that she found it impossible to imde- ceive him ; but, on the contrary, suffered verj' much in her own character by his scandalous in- sinuations ; that the wliole parish was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of mc, so that she had been in the utmost consternation upon my ac- count, well knowing how little my own iimo- cence, and her testimony, would have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice, and brutality of those who must have judged me, had I been apprehended. That Sir Timothy, having been seized with a fit of apoplexy, from wluch, with great difficulty, he was recovered, began to be a])pri]unsive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that great event ; as a step to which he sent for her brother, owned, with great contrition, the brutal design ho had upon her, and, of consequence, acquitted mc of the assault, robljcry, and correspondence with her, which he laid to my charge ; after which confession, ho lived about a month in a languishing condition, and was carried off by a second assault. Every word that this dear creature spoke riveted the chains with which she held me en- slaved. My mischievous fancy began to work, and the tempest of my passion to wake again, when the retui'n of Freeman destroyed the tempt- THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. i6s ing opportunity, and enabled me to quell the risiiiL; tumult. A little while after, the squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, and calied for his tea, which he drank out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy, while we took it in the usual way. Narcissa left lis in order to visit her aunt ; and when Freeman and I proposed to take o\ir leave, the fox-hunter insisted on our spending the evening at his house witli such obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to comply. For my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all likeli- hood, I should be blessed with more of his sister's company, had I not been afraid of risk- ing her esteem by entering into a debauch of drinking with him, which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw woirld happen ; but there was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution, wliich I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the squire's, and to trust to the good-nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest. Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea ; but we absolutely refused to set in for di'inking so soon, and pre- vailed iipon liim to pass away an hour or two at whist, iu which we engaged as soon as Narcissa returned. The savage and I happened to be partners at first ; and as my thoughts were wholly employed in a more interesting game, I played so ill that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine if they would not gi-ant him another associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a side ; he won, for the same reason that made him lose before. I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and tlie time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told tliat supper was served in another room. The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, and wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the flames with many execrations, threatening to make us redeem our loss with a lai'ge glass, and quick circulation ; and, indeed, we had no sooner supped, and my charmer ^vithdra^vn, than he be- gan to put his threats in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank no other sort of mne) were placed before us, with as many water-glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his example, by each, out of his respective al- lowance, and emptied in a trice, to the best in Christendom. Though I swallowed this and the next as fast as the glass could be replenished, without hesitation or show of reluctance, I per- ceived that my brain would not be able to bear many bumpers of this sort ; and, dreading the perseverance of a champion who began wnth such vigour, I determined to make up for the defi- ciency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually put in practice when the second course of bottles was called for. The wine being strong and heady, I was already a good deal discom- posed by the despatch we had made, P'reeman's eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was ele- vated into a song, which he uttered with great vociferation. When I, therefore, saw the second round brought in, I assumed a gay air, enter- tained him with a French catch on the subject of drinking, which, though he did not under- stand it, delighted him highly, and telling him that your choice spirits at Paris never troubled themselves with glasses, asked if lie had not a bowl or cup in the house that would contain a whole quart of wine. " Odds niggers !" cried he, "I have a silver caudle cup that holds just the quantity, for all the world ; fetch it liitluT, Nunips." The vessel being produced, I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he having done, I nodded in a verj' deliberate manner, and said, " Pledge you." Ifo stared at mc for some time, and crying, " What ! all at one pull, Measter Kandan ! " I answered, "At one pull, sir ; you are no milk-sop — we shall do you justice." "Shall you?" said he, shaking me by the hand, "odds tlien, I'll see it out, an' t were a mile to the bottom. Here 's to our better ac- quaintance, Measter Randan ;" so saying, he applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. I knew the efi'ect of it would be almost instan- taneous ; therefore, taking the cup, began to dis- charge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cliam of Tartary. I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he took umbrage at them, and, after several at- tempts to spit, made shift to stutter out, "A fart for your Chanis of T — Tartary ! — I am a f — f — free-born Englishman, worth th — three thousand a year, and v — value no man, damme !" Then, dropping his jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hiccuped aloud, and fell upon the floor as nmte as a flounder. Mr. Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted me incari-ying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his servants, and went home to our respective habitations, congratulat- ing each other on our good fortune. CHAPTER LVII. Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's appro- bation of my Flame — / appease the Squire — Write to my Mistress — Am blessed with an Answer — Beg leave of her Brother to Dance with her at a Ball ; obtain his consent and hers — Enjoy a private Conversation with her — Am perplexed with Reflections — Have the honour of appearing her Partner at a Ball — We are compilimented by a certain Nobleman — He discovers some symptoms of a passion for Narcissa — / am stimg vjith Jealousy — Narcissa, alarmed, retires — / observe Melinda in the Company— The Sqiiire is captivated by her Beauty. I WAS met next morning, at the usual place, by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of the progress I had made in the afl'ection of her mistress, and blessed me with an account of that dear crea- ture's conversation with her, after she had re- tired the night before from our company. I could scarce believe her information, when she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and passionate were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged ; and was particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour to her brother after she with- drew. Transported at the news of my happi- ness, I presented my ring to the messenger, as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction ; but she was above such mercenary considerations, and refused my compliment with some resent- ment, saying she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and contemptible. I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my behaviour on this head, and, to convince her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her direc- tions in the prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my life depended upon the consequence. As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the effusions of my love ■without danger of being interrupted, and per- i66 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. haps reap some endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her ailvice and assist- ance in promoting this event. But she gave me to understand that Narcissa would make no pre- cipitate comuliances of this kind, and that I ■woold do well to cultivate her brother's acquaint- ance, in the course of which I should not want opportunities of removing that, reserve which my mistress thought herself obliged to maintain dur- ing the infancy of our correspondence. In the meantime she promised to tell her lady, that I hati endeavoured, by presents and persuasions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me, which she had refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter ; and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to open a literary communication between us, which could not fail of introducing more intimate connexions. I approved of her counsel, and onr appoint- ment being renewed for ne.xt day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method of bein" reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the trick we had put upon liim. With this view, I consulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of the fox-hunter's disposition, assured me there was no other method of pacify- ing him, than that of sacrificing ourselves for one night to an equal match with him in drinking. This expedient I found myself necessitated to comply with, for the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa in a state of brutal degeneracy. Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went at my desire to the squire, in order to engage him, while I took care to fur- nish myself for his reception. My invitation was accepted, my guests honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had drank many tuns of wine in his life, but was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night before. I pro- mised to atone for my trespass, and having ordered to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great devotion, the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and as Freeman and I had the advantage of drinking small French claret, the savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in the least affected, and carried home in an apoplexy of dninkenness. I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and punctual confidant, who telling me she was permitted to receive my let- ters for her mistress, I took up the pen imme- diately, and following the first dictates of my passion, wrote as follows : — " Dear Mapam, — Were it possible for the powers of nttcranco to reveal the soft emotions of my soul, the fond anxiety, tlie glowing hopes, the chilling fears that rule my breast by tunis, I should need no other wiL- nnss than this paj)er, to evince the purity and ardour of that flame your charms have kindled in my heart. But, alas ! expression wrongs my love ! I am in- spired with conceiitions that no language can convoy ! Your beauty fills me with wonder ! your understand- ing with ravishment, and your goodness with adora- tion I 1 am transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and tortured with impatience I Suffer me, then, lovely arbitress of my fate, to approach you in person, to breathe In soft murmurs my passion to your car, to offer the Bacriltcc of a heart overflowing willi the most genuine and disinterested love ; to gaze with ecstasy ontlie divine object of my wishes, to hear the mu^ic of her enchanting tongue ; and to rejoice in her smiles of approbation, which will banish the mo.st iu- tolerable suspense from the bosom of— Your enrap- tured R R . " H.aving finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my faithful friend, with an injunc- tion to second my entreaty with all her eloquence and influence ; and in the meantime went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly neglected, and indeed almost forgot, since my dear Narcissa had re- sumed the empire of my soul. The old gentle- woman received me very kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety, which, however, I could easily perceive were forced and dissembled- Among other things, she pretended to joko ma upon my passion for Narci.ssa, which she averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to danco with her at the next assembly. I was a good deal concerned to find myself become the town- talk on this subject, lost the squire, having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and, by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the opportunities I now enjoyed. But I resolved to use the interest I had with him, while it lasted ; and that verj- night meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at the ball, which he very readily granted, to my inexpressible satisfaction. Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night by a thousand delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up betimes, and flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on her countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my presage. She presented me with a letter from the idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her ap- probation in these terms : — " Sir, — To say I look upon you with indifference woiild be a piece of dissimulation which I think no decorum requires, and no custom can justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue was ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased with your passion, confident of your integrity, and so well convinced of my own discretion, that I .should not hesitate in granting you the interview you desire, were I not overawed by the prjing curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which might ba fatally prejudicial to the reputation of— Your "Narcissa." No anchorite in the ecstasy of devotion ever adored a relique with more fen'our than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my charmer's candour, generosity, and affection ! I read it over an hundred times ; was ravished with her confession in the beginning ; but the subscription of Your Narcissa yielded me such delight as I had never felt before. My happi- ness was still increased by Miss Williams, who blcssexl me with a repetition of her lady's tender expressions in my favour, when she received and read my letter. In short, I had all the reason ia the world to believe that this gentle creature's l)osora was possessed by a passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous, as mine for her. I informed my friend of the squire's consent to my dancing with Narcissa at the ball, and desired her to tell her mistress that I would do myself the honour of visiting her m the afternoon, in consequence of his pennission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent as her brother haSj)y, /resolve to kill ; but, to my great surprise, am convinced of his being no other than Slra2) — Melinda slanders me — / become acquainted with Lord Quivenoit, who endeavours to sound me with regard to Narcissa — The Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and grmos cold towards me — / learn from my Confidant that this Nobleman professes hon- ouraljle Love to my Mistress, who continues faithful to me, notwitlistanding the scandalous Reports she has fteard to my Prejudice — / am mortifcd with an assurance that her whole For- tune depends iqion the 2>leasure of her Brother — Mr. Freeman condoles me on the decline of my Character, which I vindicate so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat Fame in my behalf. Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home in the condition of a frantic bedlamite ; and finding the lire in my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury ujjon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such violence that he roared hideously with pain, and when I quitted my hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no xinconcemed spectator could have seen him without being seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. It is true J was soon sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the out- rage I had committed ; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said, " I forgive you, and may God forgive you." But he could not help shedding some tears at my unkindne.ss. I felt unsj)eakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, and considered his tears a.s a reproach that my soul, in her present disturbance, could not bear. It set all my pas- sions into a ferment ; I swore horrible oaths without meaning or application, I foamed at the mouth, kicked the chairs about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks, that frightened my friend almost out of his senses. At length my transport subsided, I became melancholy, and wept insensibly. During this state of dejection I was .surprised with the appearance of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blulibering all the while, hail conducted into the chamber, without giving me previous notice of her approach. She was extremely affected with my condition, which she had learned from him, beggpil me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow her to Nar- cissa, who desired to see me forthwith. That dear name operated upon me like a charm. I started u]>, and without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through the garden, which we entered by a private door. I found the adorable creature in tears ! — I was melted at the- sight — we continued silent for some time — my heart was too full to speak — her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment ; at last she sobbing cried, "What have I done to disoblige you?" My heart was pierced with the tender question ! — I drew near with the utmost reverence of afl'ec- tion ! — I fell upon my knees before her, and kissing her hand, exclaimed, " Oh ! thou art all goodness and perfection ! — I am undone by my want of merit ! — I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which Heaven hath destined for the arms of some more favoured being." She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and gave me such flattering assur- ances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and fears forsook me, and i)eace and satisfaction reigned witliin my breast. At miilnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, and being let out by Miss Williams at th& garden gate by which I entered, began to explore my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon when he mews and chatters. I turned instantly, and perceiving something black, concluded I was discovered by some spy employed to watch for that purpose. Aroused at this conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa. appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her fame, liad not the voice of Strap restrained my arm. It was with great difliculty he could pronounce, " D — d — do I mum— um — um— murder me, if you please." Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what brought him thither ? upon which he gave me to understand that his concern for me had induced him to follow me to that place, where the same reason had detained him till now, and lie frankly owned that in spite of the esteem he had for Miss- Williams, he began to be very uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which I went abroad, and if I had stayed much longer, woxild have certainly alarmed the neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his intention confounded me. I represented to him the mis- chievous consequences that would have attended such a rash action, and cautioning him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my admonition with an assurance, that in ca.se he should ever act so madly, I would, without hesi- tation, put him to death. " Have a little jiatience," cried he, in a lamentable tone, " your displeasure will do the business, without your committing murder." I was touched with this THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 169 reproach, and as soon as we got home, made it my business to appease him, by explaining the cause of that transport during which I had used him so unworthily. Next day, when I went into the Long-room, I observed several whispers circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had lieen busy with my character ; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested witli the most perfect conlidence, and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected rival, who, with an easy politeness, entered into conversation with me, and desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me with tea and chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against his insinuating behaviour ; nor was my suspicion wrong placed : he artfully turned the discourse iipon Narcissa, and endea- voured, by hinting at an intrigue he i^retended to be engaged in elsewhere, to leam what connexion there was between her and me. But all his finesse was ineffectual ; I was convinced of his dissimulation, and gave such general answers to his inquiries that he was forced to drop the sub- ject, and talk of something else. While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another gentleman, who introduced him to his Lordship ; and he was received with such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded the courtier intended to use him in some shape or other, and from thence I drew an unlucky omen. But I had more cause to be dis- mayed the following day, when I saw the squire in company ■svith JNIelinda and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances, and when I aftenvards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial shake of the hand, he returned my salute with a cold repetition of "Servant, servant," which he pronounced with such indifference, or rather contempt, that if he had not been Narcissa's brother I should have affronted him in public. These occurrences disturbed me not a little. I foresaw the brooding storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion ; but Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being resigned. I could have renounced every other comfort of life with some degree of fortitude ; but the prospect of losing her disabled all my philosophy, and tortured my soul into madness. Miss Williams found me next morning full of anxious tumult, which did not abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having pro- fessed honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely mistress by her brother, who had, at the same time, from the information of Melinda, spoke of me as an Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate, who supported myself in the appearance of a gentleman by sharping and other infamous practices, and who was of such an obscure origin that I did not even know my own extraction. Though I expected all this malice, I could not hear it with temper, especially as truth was so blended with falsehood in the assertion, that it would be almost impossible to separate the one from the other in my vindication. But I said nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected with the discovery. That generous creature, far from believing these imputations, was no sooner with- drawn with her confidant than she inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, to which only she ascribed the whole of what had been said to my disadvantage, and call- ing every circumstance of my behaviour to her into review before her, found everj-thing so polite, honourable, and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt of my being the gentle- man I assumed. " I have indeed," said she, "purposely forbore to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation of some misfortunes which he has imdergone should give him pain ; and, as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of dis- covering the situation of my own, lest we shoiild find ourselves both unhappy in the explanation, for at9.s ! my provision is conditional, and depend."* entirely on my marrying with my brother's con- sent." \ I was\thunderstruck with this intelligence ; the light forsook my eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and 1 remained in a state of universal trepidation. My female friend perceiv- ing my disorder, encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the hope of some accident favourable to our love, and, as a further consolation, gave me to understand that she had acquainted my mistress ^\ith the outlines of my life, and that, although sh^ was no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and esteem were rather increased than diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances. I was greatly comforted by this assurance, which saved me a world of confusion and anxiety ; for I must have imparted my situation one day to Narcissa, and this task I could not have performed without shame and disorder. As I did not doubt that by this time the scan- dalous aspersions of Melinda were diffused all over the to^vTl, I resolved to collect my whole strength of assurance to brow-beat the efforts of her malice, and to publish her adventure with the Frenchified barber by way of reprisal. In the meantime, having promised to be at the garden gate about miclnight. Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was as perfect as inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was visited by Freeman, who came on purpose to- inform me of the infamous stories that were raised at my expense. I heard them with great temper, and in my turn disclosed everything that had happened between Melinda and me, and, among other circumstances, entertained him with the story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter had in that affair ; he was con- vinced of the injury my reputation had suffered, and no longer doubting the fountain from whence this deluge of slander had flowed ujion me, under- took to rmdeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back upon its source ; but in the meantime cautioned me from appearing in public while the prepossession was so strong against me, lest I should meet with some afii-ont that might, have bad consequences. CHAPTER LIX. 1 receive an extraordinary Message at the Door of the Long-room, which I however enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to take the Law of me — liehuke Melinda for her Malice — She weeps mth Vexation — Lord Quiverwit is severe upon me— I retort his Sarcasm — Am received with the utmost tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to hear the Story of my IJfe— We vovj eternal Constancy to one another — I retire — Am waked by a Messenger, who brings a Challenge from Quiverwit, whom. I meet, en- gage, arid vanquish. I THANKED him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment would not permit/ me /— I70 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. to follow, for he no sooner left me, in order to do justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance, than 1 sallied out, and went din-ctly to the Long-room. I was met at the door liy a servant, who presented to me a billet without a subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable to the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. This peremptory message filled me wth indignation. I followed the fellow who delivered it, and seiz- ing him by the collar, in presence of all the com- pany, threatened to put him instantly to death, if he did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an impudent commission, that I might punish him as he deser^'ed. The messenger, affrighted at my menaces aud furious looks, fell upon his knees, and told me that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver the letter was no other than Narcissa's brother, who, at that time, stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda. I went up to liim imme- diately, and, in the heaving of his inamorata, accosted him in these words, "Look'ee, squire, ■was it not for one consideration that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you where you stand, for h-iving had the presumption to send me this scurrilous intimation," which I tore to pieces, and threw in his face ; at the same time, darting an angrj* regard at his mistress, I told her I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon her invention, but at the expense of her good nature and veracity. Her admirer, whose courage never rose but in proportion to the wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called an i honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for i an assault, and took witnesses accordingly ; while she, piqued at his pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I liad uttered against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a public cause, and wept aloud with spite and vexation. The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and concern of the spectators, to whom she complained of my rudeness with great bitterness, saying if she was a man I durst not ■use her so. The greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced against me, were offended at the liberty 1 had taken, as appeared from their looks, though none of them signified their dis- gust any otlier way, except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with a sneer, that I was in the right to establish my own character, of which he had now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this severe equivoque, which raised a laugh at my expense, I replied with some warmth, " I am proud of having in that particular got the start of your lordshij)." He made no answer to my repartee, but, with a contemptuous smile, walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable situation. In vain did I make up to several people of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my confusion ; everybody shunned me like a person infected, and I should not have been able to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and fond Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my mortification, and, sauntering about the town, happened to wake I from my contemplation, when I found myself \ just opposite to a toy-.shop, which I entered, and * purchased a ring set with a niby in the form of A heart, surrounded by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending it for a present to tho charmer of my soul. I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with the utmost confidence and tenderness ; and, having been informed of the general sketches of my lile by Miss Williams, expressed a desire of knowing the particular circumstances, which I related with great candour ; ouiitting, however, some things tliat I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else than a recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle down her enchanting eyes during the whole of the narration, which, when I had finished, she recompensed me for my trouble with the most endearing protestations of eternal love. She bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness ; told me that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's per- mission, had been to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed marriage ; and seeing me extremely affected with this piece of information, offered to give me a convincing i)roof of her affection, by espousing me in private, and lea\ing the rest to fate. I was penetrated with this instance of her regard, but that I might not be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation, in consideration of her honour and interest ; at the same time, I presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and on my knees implored Heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I then avowed- She received my token, gave me in return her picture in miniature, exquisitely drawn, and set in gold ; and in the same posture called Heaven to witness, and to judge her flame. Our vows being thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew in- sensible of the progress of time, and it was morn- ing before I could tear myself from this darlin» of my soul ! — My good angel foresaw what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed to suffer. I Avent to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and having slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who, in great confusion, told me there was a footman l)elow with a letter, which he would deliver to nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece of news, I desired my friend to show him up to my chamber, and re- ceived the following letter, wliich, he said, re- quired an immediate answer : — " Sir, — VTIicn any man injures my honour, let the differenco of rank between us be ever so ^eat, I am contented to waive the privilege of my quality, and to seek rcp.aration from him on equ.il tenns. The insol- ence of your reply to me yesterday in the Long-room I miglit have overlooked, had not your presumptive emulation in a much more interesting all'air, and a discovery which I made this morning, concurred in persuading me to chastise your aiidacity with my sword. If you, therefore, h.ive spirit enough to sup- port tho character you assume, j'ou will not fail to follow the V)earcr immediately to a convenient jilace, where you shall be met by Quiverwit." Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by the superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never had less inclination to fight than at this time. However, finding there was a necessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend mc, and set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way for having been observed in my return from my angel ; for so I interpreted his lordship's discovery. \Vhen I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told me he had THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 171 orders to stop ; upon whicli, I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked forward, resolving, if possible, to come to an explanation with my challenger before we should come to battle. Nor was an "opportunity wanting ; for I no sooner ap- proached, than he asked, with a stem countenance, what business I had in Mr. Topehall's garden so early in the morning. "I don't know, my lord," said I, " how to answer a question put to me with such magisterial haughtiness. If your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, you will liave no cause to repent of your condescension ; other- wise, I am not to be intimidated into any con- fession." "There is no room for denial," an- swered he ; "I saw you come out with my own eyes." "Did any other person see me ?" said I. " I neither know nor care," said he ; "I want no other evidence than that of my own senses." Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to appease his jeal- ousy, by o\\Tiing an intrigue with the waiting- maid ; but he had too much discernment to be so easily imposed upon, and told me there was only one way to convince him of the truth of what I alleged, which was no other than renouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising upon honour never to speak to her for the future. Exasperated at this proposal, I tinsheathed my swoi'd, saying, "Heavens ! what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose such, terms on me ?" He did the same, and, making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa. " He 's a scandalous villain," I replied, in a transport of fury, "who brands me with that imputation ! She is a thou- sand times more chaste than the mother that bore you ; and I will assert her honour with my heart's blood!" So saying, I rushed upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavour- ing to get w^ithin his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage. He excelled me in temper as well as in sldll, by which means he parried my thrusts with great calmness, -until I had almost exhausted my spirits ; and, w^hen he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in his turn. Finding himself, however, better opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his lunge, and close with me ; accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side of the breast-bone, and, nmning up between my shirt and skin, appeared over my left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had perforated my lungs, and, of consequence, that the wound was mortal ; therefore, determined not to die unre- venged, I seized his shell, wliich was close to my breast, before he could disentangle his point, and keeping it fast with my left hand, shortened my own sword w-ith my right, intending to nm him through the heart ; but he received the thmst in the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder- blade. Disappointed in this expectation, and afraid still that death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wTcsted his sword out of his hand ; and so gi'eat was my confusion, instead of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his fore teeth Avith the hilt. In the meantime, our servants seeing us fall, ran up to separate and assist us ; but, before their approach, I was upon my feet, and had discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my OAvn safety dis- armed me of a good deal of my resentment, and I began to inquire with some concern into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the groimd, bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm ; I helped his footman to raise him, and hav- ing bound up his wound with my handkerchief, assured him it was not dangerous ; 1 likewise re- stored his sword, and olfered to sup]>oi-t him to his house. He thanked me with an air of sullen dignity, and, whispering that I should hear from him soon, went away, leaning on liis servant's shoulder. I was surprised at this promise, which I con- straed into a threat ; and resolved, if ever ho should call me out again, to use whatever advan- tage fortune might give me over him in another manner. In the meantime, I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite stupefied witli horror. I comforted him with an assurance that I had received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair as we walked homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment, I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of clotted blood run do\\'n upon my shirt ; upon which I pulled off my coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it with more ease. My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with blood, than, imagining I had got at least twenty thousand wounds, he cried, "O Jesus!" and fell flat on the floor. I stopped the bleeding with a little dry lint, and, applying a plaster over it, cleansed myself from the gore, shifted and dressed, while he lay senseless at my feet ; so that when he re- covered, and saw me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes. Now that the danger was past, I was very well pleased with wdiat had happened, hoping that it would soon become kno^vn, and, consequently, dignify my character not a little in this place. I was also proud of having showTi myself in some shape worthy the love of Narcissa, who, I was pei-suaded, would not think the worse of me for what I had done. CHAPTEPw LX. I am visited by Freeman, with tcJiom I appear in Public, and am caressed — Am sent for by Lord Quivenvif, wliose Presence I quit in a Passion — Xarcissa is carried off by her Brother — / intend to pursue him, and am dissuaded by my Fnend — Engage in Play, and lose all my Money— Set out for London — Try my For- tune at the Gaming-table without Sticcess — Receive a Letter from Narcissa — Lilk my Tailor. While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the duel, being commiinicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the town. I was visited by Freeman, Avho testified his sur- prise at finding me ; for he was told that Lord Quiverv.it being dead of his wounds, I had ab- sconded, in order to avoid the cognizance of the law. I asked if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel ; and, understanding it was attributed to his lordship's resentment of my reply in the Long-room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected. My friend, alter I had assured him that my antagonist was in no danger, \vished me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character to his friends, among whom he had been very assiduous in my behalf. On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house, where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons who had shunned me the preceding day; and I found everybody making merry with the story of Me- 172 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. linda's French gallant While I remained in this place, I received a message from Lord Quivi-rwit, desiring, if I was not engaged, to see me at his house. Thither I immediately repaired, and was con- ducted to an apartment, where I was received by his lordship in l)ed. When we were left by our- selves, he thanked me, in very polite tenns, for having used tlie advantage fortune had given me over him with such mocleration ; and asked par- don for any offence his resentment might have prompted him to commit. *' I would willingly," said he, "make you my friend ; but as it is im- possible for me to divest myself of my passion for Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments to think we shall ever agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to own candidly that I cannot help opposing your success with tliat young lady ; though, at the same time, I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice and honour. This, however, I think proper to adver- tise you of, that she has no independent fortune ; and if you should even succeed in your addresses, you would have the mortification to see her re- duced to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support her ; and I am credibly informed of your incapacity that way. Nay, I will confess that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent notice to her brother of the progress I sus- pect you have made in her affection, and desired him to take his precautions accordingly. " Alarmed and provoked at this information, I told his lord- .ship that I did not see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession of open dealing, and flung away from liim in a passion. As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as usual, by means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the w-aving of a handkerchief from the window of a coach and six that passed by me at full speed ; and, upon further oDser\'ation, I saw a servant on horse- back riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belonged to the squire. Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge of my misfortune rushed all at once on my reflection ! I guessed immediately that the signal was made liy the dear hand of Narcissa, who, being hurried away in consequence of Lord Quivenvit's message to her brother, had no other method of relating her distress and imploring my assistance. Frantic with this conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, with such incoherence of .speech and disorder, that the poor valet, terrified with tlie suspicion of another duel, instead of providing ■what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who, heing infonned of my behaviour, came straight to my apartment, and conjured me .so patheti- cally to make him acquainted with the cause of my unca.sines.s, that 1 could not refuse telling him my happiness was fled with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her, or perish. He repre- sented the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me from it with great strength of friendship and rea.son. But all his arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the dependence I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and the attachment of her maid, who could not fail of finding oppor- tunities to advertise me of their situation ; and at the same time demonstrated the injury my channer's reputation must sufler from my pre- cipitate retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations. I appeared in public with an air of tranquillity, was well received by the best company in town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly ; while I had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discountenanced, that she was fain to return to Ijondon, in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies of B.ath. But though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported my sjiirits a little while, I began to be very un- easy, when, at the end of several weeks, I foimd that expectation disappointed. In .short, melan- choly and despondence took possession of my soul ; and, repining at that Frovidence which, by acting the stepmother towards me, kept m& from the fruition of my wishes, I determined in a fit of despair to risk all I had at the gaming- table, with a view of acquiring a fortune sufh- cient to render me independent for life, or of plunguig myself into such a state of misery as would effectually crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination. Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after some turns of fortune, found my- self at the end of three days worth a thousand pounds ; but it was not my intention to stop here, for which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued my career, \mtil I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two hundred pounds to such a petty sum. Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself so much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance, with such calmness, that he, imagining I joked, aftected to receive the tidings with gieat equani- mity. But both he and I found ourselves mis- taken very soon. I had misintei-preted my own stupidity into deliberate resignation ; and he had reason to believe me in earnest, when he saw me next moniing agitated with the most violent de- spair, which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his power. In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in the stage-coacli for Lon- don, and in the meantime paid my debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings only. With- out taking leave of my friends, I embarked. Strap having the good "fortune to find a return liorse, and arrived in town, without having met with anj-thing remarkable on the road. "^Idle we crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying pa.ssengers under contribution in some such place. My thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested the crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan, and ventured my life in the execution, had I not been deteiTed by reflecting ui^on the infamy that attends detection. Tlie apartment I formerly lived in being unen- gaged, 1 took possession of it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who receivetl me with open arm.s, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking. But when he understood what had happened, liis countenance changed of a sudden ; and he told nie, with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, that, if he was in my place, he would put it out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of his own indiscretion at once. When I desired him to explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tip-toes, and was going away without any further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, and demanded the five guineas I had formerly lent him. " Five guineas!" cried he, "Zounds! had you acted witii common prudence you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket by this time. I depended upon five hundi-ed from you, as much as if I had had notes for it in tlie bank ; and by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me for that sum. " I was neither pleased nor con- vinced by this computation, and insisted on my riglit with such determined obstinacy, tliat ho was fain to alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by assuring me that he was not mas- ter of five shillings. Society in distress generally promotes good understanding among people ; from being a dun, I descended to be a client, and asked his advice about repairing my losses. He counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming-table, where I succeeded so well before, and put myself in a condition by selling my watch. I followed his directions, and having accommodated him with a few pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling. Then I returned to my lodgings full of desper- ate resolution, and having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword immediately, that I might be enabled to make another eftbrt. This affectionate creature no sooner understood my purpose, than, seized with insuppressible sorrow at the prospect of my miser}-, he burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do, after the small sum he could raise on the sword should be spent ? "On my own account," said he, " I am quite uncon- cerned ; for, while God spares me health and these ten fingers, I can earn a comfortable sub- sistence anywhere ; but what must become of you, who have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to gratify?" Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I should never want a resource while I had a loaded pistol in possession. Stupefied with horror at this dread- ful insinuation, he stood mute for some time, and then broke out into, " God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation of the devil ! Consider your immortal soul : there is no repentance in the grave. Lord! that ever we should come to this ! Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of Heaven ! — where is your patience? Dwnim pati&ntia /rango ; you are but a young man— tGere may be many good things in store for j-ou — Accidit inpuncto, quod non sjjeratur in anno — remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling ; perhaps he is now on his voyage homcAvard, pleasing himself with the hopes of seeing and relieving you ; nay, perad- venture he is already arrived, for the ship was expected about this "time." A ray of hope shot athwart my soul at this suggestion ; I thanked my friend for his seasonable recollection, and, after haAong promised to take no resolution till his return, dismissed htm to Wapping for intelli- gence. In his absence I was visited by Banter, who being informed of my bad luck at play, told me that fortune would probably be one day weary of persecuting me. " In the meantime," said he, "' here is a letter for you, which I received just now enclosed in one from Freeman." I snatched it with eagerness, and knoAving the superscription to be of Narcissa's handwriting, kissed it with transport, and having opened it, read, " It is with great difticulty that I have stolen, from the observation of tliose spies who are set over me, this opportunity of telling you that I was suddenly carried away from Batli by my brother, who was' in- formed of our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, whom, I since understand, you have wounded in a duel on my account. As I am fully convinced of your honour and love, I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of either for the future. I am so strictly watched, that it will be impossible for you to see me, until my brother's suspicions shall abate, or Heaven tontrivo some other unforeseen event in our liehalf. In the menntinie you may depend on the constancy and affectiou of— Your own "NARCI.S.SA." " P.S. — Miss Williams, who is mv fellow-pri.soncr, desires to be remembered to you. We iiro both in good licalth, and only in pain for you, especially n.s it will be impracticable for you to convey any mess.ige or letter to the place of our eonfniwuent ; for which reason, pray desist from the attempt, that, by mis- carrying, might prolong oiu: captivity. This kind letter afforded me great consolation. I communicated it to Banter, and at the same time showed him her picture. He approved of her beauty and good sense, and coidd not help owning, that my neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creatui'e engrossed my attention. I began to be reconciled to my fate, and ima- gined that, if I could contrive means of subsist- ing until my uncle should arrive, in case he was not already at home, he would enable me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and for- tune. I therefore consulted Banter about a pre- sent supply, who no sooner understood that I had credit with a tailor, than he advised me to take off two or three suits of rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them at half- price to a salesman in Monmouth-street. I was startled at this proposal, which I thought savoured a little of fraud ; but he rendered it palataljle, by observing, that in a few months I might be in a condition to do everybody justice ; and in the meantime I was acquitted by the honesty of my intention. I suftered myself to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my judgment, was convinced ; and when I found there were no accounts of the ship in which my tmcle embarked, actually put the scheme in practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty guineas, paying him for his advice with the odd five. CHAPTER LXI. / am arrested — Carried to the Marslmlsea — Find my old Acquaintance Beau Jackson in that Jail — He informs me of his Adventures — Strap arrives, and with difficidty is comforted ■ — Jackson introduces me to a Poet — I admire his Conversation and Capacity — Am deeply affected with my Misfortune — Strap hires himself as a Journeyman Barber. But this expedient was in a few weeks attended with a consequence I did not foresee. A player having pvircliased one of the suits which were ex- posed to sale, appeared in it on the stage one night, while my tailor tinfortimately happened to be present. He knew it immediately, and inquiring minutely into the affair-, discovered my whole contrivance ; upon which he came to my lodgings, and telling me that he was very much straitened for want of money, presented his bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Sui-prised at this tmexpected addi-ess, I affected to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and telling him I should take care whom I dealt with for the future, bade him come again in three days. He obeyed me punc- tually, 'demanded his money, and finding himself amused with bare promises, airested me that very day in the street. I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, put an end to a state of horrible expectation ; but I refused to go to a spunging-hoase, where I heard there was 174 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. notbinf; but the most flagrant imposition ; and a coach being called, was carried to the Marslial- sea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who ■were very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution. The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in my pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, and gave me to tinderstand that I must pay be- forehand for the apartment I should clioose to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, and hired a small paltry bedchamber for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would have let for half the money. Having taken possession of this dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my tlioughts were busied in collecting matter oi" con- solation to that faithful squire, when somebody knocked at niy door, which I no sooner opened, than a young fellow entered in very shabby clothes, and manellous foul linen. After a low bow, he called me by name, and asked if I had forgot him. His voice assisted me in recollect- ing his person, whom I soon recognised to be my old acquaintance Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my memoirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed my satisfaction of find- ing him alive, and condoled him on his present situation, which, however, did not seem to alTcct him much, for he laughed very heartily at the occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Out mutual compliments being past, I inquired about his amour with the lady of for- tune, which seemed to be so near a happy con- clusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last; and, after an immoderate fit of laughter, he gave me to \mderstand that he had been egregiously bit in that affair. " You must kQOw," said he, " that a few days after our ad- venture with the bawd and her bitches, I found means to be married to that same fine lady you speak of, and passed the night with her at her lodgings, BO much to her satisfaction, that early in the morning, after a good deal of snivelling and sobbing, she owned that, far from being an heiress of great fortune, she was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony, in order to enjoy the privi- l^e of a fanme couverte ; and that, unless I made my escape immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of her contracting, by bailiffs employed and instructed for that purpose. Startled at this intimation, I rose in a twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty danms, got safe into the verge of the court, where I kept snug until I was appointed surgeon's mate of a man of war at Portsmouth ; for which place I set out on Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I hail the good fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came home a few months after, and was put out of commission ; whereupon 1 came to London, imagining myself forgotten, and freed from my ■wife and ner creditors ; but had not been in town a week before 1 was arrested for a debt of hers, amounting to twenty pounds, and brought to this place, where I have been fixed by another action since that time. However, you know my dispo- sition ; I defy care and anxiety ; and, being on the haJf-pay list, make shift to live here toler- ably easy." I congratulated him on his philo- sophy, and remembering that I was in his debt, rei)aid the money he formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being unseasonable. I then inquired about the economy of the place, which , he explained to my satisfaction ; and after we had agreed to mess together, he was just going to give orders for dinoer, when Strap arrived. I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any coimtenance as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed, particularly adapted by nature for such impressions. Wlien we were left by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured to console him ■with the same arguments he had formerly used to me, withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved iji a short time by Mr. Bowling. But his gi-ief was unutterable ; he seemed to give at- tention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence ; so that I was in a fair way of being in- fected by his behaviour, when Jackson returned, and, perceiving the deference I paid to Strap, although in a footman's habit, distributed his crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity, and unconcern, that the features of the distressed squire relaxed by degrees ; he recovered the xise of speech, and began to be a little more recon- ciled to this lamentable event. We dined to- gether on boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's shop in the neighbourhood ; and, although this meal was served up in a manner little cor- responding with the sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of necessity, ate with good appetite, and treated my friends ■with a bottle of wine, which had the desired effect of increasing the good humour of my fellow-prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now talked cavalierly of my misfortune. After dinner, Jackson left us to our private affairs ; when I desired my friend to pack up all our things and carry them to some cheap lodging he should choose for himself in the neighbour- hood of the Marshalsea, after he had discharged my lodging, for which purpose I gave him money. I likewise recommended to him the keeping my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who should inquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks. At the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any letter for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Freeman ; and by all means to leave a direction for himself, at my uncle's lodg- ings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive. When he departed to execute these orders, which, by the by, were punctually performed that very night, I foimd myself so little seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter from it in the company of the beau, who, promising to regale me mth a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled together. We had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared, ^\Tapped in a dirty rag, tied about his loins with two pieces of list, of dif- ferent colours, knotted together ; having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig, which seemed to have been ravished from the crown of some scarecrow. This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a profound bow to the audience, who sig- nified their approbation by a general response of "How d'ye do, doctor?" He then turned to- wards us, and honoured Jackson i^-ith a particular saluation. Upon which my friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr. Melopoj-n. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and, hemming three times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced, with great significance of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt quotations from the best THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 175 authors, ancient as well as modern. When he had fiiiislied his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to the spectators, not one of whom, I was informed, understood so much as a sentence of what he had uttered. They mani- festcil, however, their admiration and esteem by a voluntary contribution, which, Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted to eightecn- pence. This moderate stipend, together with some small presents that he received for making up diflerences, and deciding causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk about, in the grotesque figure I have described. I understood, also, that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a tragedy, wliich was allowed by everybody who had seen it to be a perform- ance of great merit ; that his learning was in- finite, his morals unexceptionable, and his mo- desty invincible. Such a character could not fail of attracting my regard ; I longed impatiently to be acquainted with him, and desired Jack- son woidd engage him to spend the evening in my apartment. My request was granted ; he favoured us with his company, and iji the course of oiir conversation, perceiving that I had a strong passion for the Belles Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject, that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions. In this point, too, he gratified my inclination ; he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and in the meantime entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me a very ad- vantageous idea of his poetical talent. Among other things, I was particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of Tibullus ; one of which I beg leave to submit to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion and capacity : — Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy ? Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest : — Since first thy beauty fix'd my roving eye, Heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive treast ! Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call, With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour ; Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball, Or press her wanton in Love's roseate bower. For me, no more I '11 range the empurpled mead, Where shepherds pipe, and virgins dance around ; Nor wander through tlie woodbine's fragrant shade, To hear the music of the grove resound. I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall, Wliere fancy paints the glimm'ring taper blue, Where damps hang mould'dng on the ivy'd wall, And sheeted ghosts drmk up the midnight dew. There, leagued with hopeless anguish and despair. Awhile in silence o'er my fate repine ; Then, with a long farewell to love and care, To kindred dust my weary limbs consign. Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest ? Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere, And bid the turf lie easy on my breast ? I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seemed so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of fonning such melancholy pre- sages of my passion, that I could not recover my tranquillity, and was fain to have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep, that I could not otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited and introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the effort I made against despondence during the first day of my impri- sonment, I cannot determine ; but I awoke in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I was ready to de- spair ; and I believe the reader will o^vn I had no great cause to congi-atulate myself, wlien I con- sidered my situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not a little to the re-establishment of my peace, by letting me know that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber ; by which means ho would be able not only to save me a considerable expense, but even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence after my money .should be spent, in case I should not be relieved before. CHAPTER LXIL / rend Melopoyn's Trarjecly, and conceive a vast 02)inion of his Genius— Me recounts his Ad- ventures. While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted with the character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that instant, and, imagining we were engaged about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit; but, leaving his performance, went away. My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight of a gentleman and Cliristian (for he had a great veneration for both these epithets) in such misery, and assented, with great cheerfulness, to a proposal I made, of clothing him with our superfluities ; a task with which he charged him- self, and departed immediately to perform it. He was no sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the tragedy, which I read to the end with vast plea.sure, not a little amazed at the conduct of the managers who had rejected it. The fable, in my opinion, was well chosen, and naturally conducted ; the incidents interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked, and well supported ; the diction poetical, spirited, and correct ; the imities of the drama maiutaiued with the most scrupulous exactness ; the opening gradual and engaging, the peripeteia sm-prising, and the catastrophe affecting. In short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and Horace, and could find nothing in it exception- able, but a little too much embellishment in some few places, which objection he removed to my satisfaction, by a quotation from Aristotle's Poetics, importing that the least interesting parts of a poem ought to be raised and digni- fied by the charms and energy of diction. I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. At that instant Strap returned with a bundle of clothes which I sent, with my compliments, to Mr. Melo- poyn, as a small token of my regard, and de- sired the favour of his company to dinner. He accepted my present and invitation, and in less than half-an-hour made his appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much to his advantage. I perceived by his countenance that his heai-t was big with grati- tude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknow- ledgments by asking pardon for the liberty I had taken. He made no reply, but, with an aspect full of admiration and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. Affected with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation, uid compli- mented him on his performance, which, I assured him, afforded me infinite pleasure. My appro- bation made him hapjiy. Dinner being served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission 176 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. for Strap to sit at table with lis, after having in- fonned them that he \v;us a juTson to whom 1 was extremely obliged. They were kind enou^li to Suit that favour, and we ate together with great rmony and satisfaction. Our meal being cndal, I expressed my wonder at the little regard ^Ir. Melopoyn had met with from the world ; and signilied a desire of hearing how he had been treated by the managers of the playhouses, to whom I understood from Jack- Bon he had offered his tragedy without success. "There is so little entertaining in the incidents of my life,"' said he, "that I am sure the recital will not recompense your attention ; but, since you discover an inclination to know them, I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire. " My father, who was a curate in the country, being, by the narro^v^less of his circumstances, hindered from maintaining me at the university, took the charge of my education upon liimself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little cause to regret the want of public masters. Being at great pains to consult my natural bias, he discovered in me, betimes, an inclination for poetrj- ; U])on which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance with the classics, in the cultivation of which he assisted me with paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. When he thought me sufficiently acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors, French and Italian, as well as Englisli, and laid a particular injunction upon me to make myself master of my mother tongue. "About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work of some consequence ; and, ■with my father's approbation, actually planned the tragedy you have read ; but, before I had fin- ished four acts, that indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in very indigent circum- stances. A near relation, compassionating our distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable to a conclusion, and soon after that period my mother quitted this life. When my sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that, having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain nie in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my play to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of fame as well as fortune, in which case I should not be unmindful of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and ■willingly contributed towards the expense of fitting me out for my expedition. "Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugal as possible until I should Icnow what I had to expect from the manager, to whom I intended to offer ray play ; for though I looked upon myself as per- fectly secure of a good reception, imagining that a patentee would be as eager to receive as I to present my production, I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged in favour of another author, a circumstance that would cer- tainly retard my success. On this consideration, too, I detei-mined to be speedy in my application, and even to wait upon one of the managers the very next day. For this purpose, I inquired of my landlond if he knew where either or both of them livecH and he, being curious to know my business, and at the same time appearing to be a very honest friendly man (a tallow-chandler), I made him acquainted with my design, upon which he told me that I went the ^^Tong way to work, that I wouhl not find such easy access to a manager as I imaginetl, and tliat, if I delivered my performance without pro])er recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it should bo minded. 'Take my advice,' said he, 'and your business is done. One of the patentees is a good Catholic, as 1 am, and uses the same father who confesses me. I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his recom- mendation will go a great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring it on the stage.' I ajjplauded his expedient, and was introduced to the friar, who, ha\-ing penised the tragedy, was pleased to signify his ajiprobation, and commended me, in particular, for having avoided all reflections upon religion. He i>romised to use all his influence witli his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself that very day at what time it would be proper for me to wait upon him with the piece. He was punctual in performing his engagement, and next moniiug gave me to understand that ha had mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I had no more to do than to go to his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I should find immediate admittance. I took this advice, put my perform- ance in my bosom, and, having received direc- tions, went immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door, which had a wicket in tlie middle, faced with a net-work of iron. Through this a servant having viewed me for some time, demanded to know my business. I told him my business was with Mr. Supple, and tliat I came from Mr. O'Vamish. He ex- amined my appearance once more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master was busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a little mortified at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my reception was owing to 5Ir. Supple's ignorance of my errand ; and, that I might meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. 0' Varnish to be my introductor the next time. He complied with my request, and obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with the utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the first convenience. By his own appointment, I called again in a fortnight, but he was gone out ; I returned in a week after, and the poor gentle- man was extremely ill ; I renewed my ^•isit in a fortnight after that, and lie assured me he had been so much fatigued with business that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end, but he would take the first opportunity, and in the meantime observed, that what he had just seen of it was very entertaining. I comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the end of which I apjjeared again before his wicket, was let in, and found him laid up with the gout. 1 no sooner entered his chamber than, looking at me with a languisliing eye, he said, ' Jlr. Melo- i)oyn, I 'm heartily sorry for an accident that has liajipened during my illness. You must know that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript iijjon the table in the dining-room, where 1 used to read it, carried it into the kitchen, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a cook-maid, mis- taking it for waste paper, has expended it all but a few leaves in singing fowls upon the s^nt. But I hope the misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies.' " I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked at this information, but the good-natured geutleman seemed to be so much allectcd with my misfortune that I suppressed my THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM. 177 concern, and told him that although I had not another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which was veiy tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple was at this assurance ; he bogged I would set about it immediately, and carefiiily revolve and recollect every circumstance before 1 pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual play that he had perased. Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how much he interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks produced the exact image" of the former, which was conveyed to him by my good friend, Father O'Varnish, who told me next day that Mr. Supple would revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness with the other, and then give his final answer. For this examination I allotted a week, and in full confidence of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of the manager when that term was expired. But alas ! the season had slipped away insensibly ; he con- vinced me that if my play had been put into rehearsal at that time, it could not have been ready for performing until tlie end of March, when the benefit nights came on, consequently it would have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was not my business to dis- oblige. "I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which to be sure were extremely just, and to re- serve my performance for the next season, when he hoped I would not be so unlucky. Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who by this time began to want both money and neces- saries, having, on the strength of my expectation from the theatre, launched out into some extrava- gances, by which the sum I brought to town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct, for myfinances were sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year. You will perhaps be amazed when I tell you that in six months I expended not a farthing less than ten guineas ; but when one considers the temptations to which a young man is exposed in this gi'cat city, especially if he is addicted to pleasure, as I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause of my concern limited to my o^\^l situation entirely : I had writ an account of my good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly accommodated me with about the end of February, wliich promise I now found myself irnable to perform. However, there was no remedy but patience. I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, candidly owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan for my subsist- ence. He readily promised to consult his con- fessor on this subject, and told me I was welcome, in the meantime, to lodge and board with him until fortune should put it in my power to make restitution. " Mr. O'Varnish, being informed of my neces- sity, offered to introduce me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified ; but, upon inquiry, I under- stood that this journal was calculated to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired to be excused from engaging in it. He then proposed that I should write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and perhaps establish my own character into the bargain; this event would infallibly procure friends, and my tragedy would apjiear next season to tlie best advantage, by being supported both by interest and reputation. I was charmed with this prospect, and liaving heard what friends Mr. Pope acquired by his jiastorals, set about a work of that kind, and in less than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith offered to an eminent bookseller, wlio desired me to leave them for his penisal, and he would give me an answer in two days. At the end of that time I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling me they would not answer his purjiose, and sweetened his refusal by saying there were some good clover lines in them. Not a little dejected at this rebuff', which I learned from Mr. O'Varnish was owing to the opinion of another author, whom this bookseller always consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the same profession, who told me the town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised me, if I in- tended to profit by my talents, to write some- thing satirical or luscious, .such as the Bulton- Hole, Shockey and Tovjzcr, The Leaky Vessel, etc. ; and yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went regularly to church. Bo that as it will, I scorned to prostitute my pen in the manner he proposed, and carried my papers to a tliird, who assured me that poetry was entirely out of his way, and asked if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown into a series of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Eobinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection of conundrums, wherewith to entertain the plantations ? Being quite unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success, and I verily believe was rejected by the whole trade. " I Avas afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and accordingly repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers of that class in his pay. He assured me he had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which he did not know Afhat to do with, observed that translation was a mere drug, that branch of literature being overstocked with an inundation of authors from North Britain, and asked what I would expect per sheet for rendering the Latin classics into English. That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my qualifications, and demanded half a guinea for every translated sheet. ' Half a guinea !' cried he, staring at me, then paused a little, and said, 'he had no occasion for my service at present.' I found my error, and, re- solving to make amends, fell one half in my demand, upon which he stared at me again, and told me his hands were full. I attempted others without finding employment, and was actually reduced to a very imcomfortable prospect, when I bethought myself of offering my talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads, and other such occasional essays as are hawked about the streets. With this view, I applied to one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed me to a person whom I found entertain- ing a whole crowd of them with gin, bread, and cheese ; he caiTied me into a little back parlour, very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being enrolled among his writers, and was asked what kind of composition I professed. Understanding that my inclination leaned towards poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets had lost his senses, and was con- fined in Bedlam, and the other was become dozed with drinking drams, so that he had not done anything tolerable these many weeks. When I 178 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. proposed that we should enter into terms of agreement, he pave me to un>' Inisiness of vast consequence, though to np))earance ho had nothinf; at all to do, that be could not find time to read it until the season was pretty far advanced ; and read it he must, for, nolwith- standinR his having i)erused it before, his me- mory did not retain one circumstance of the matter. "At lenfrth he favoured it with his attention, and, having proposed certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronized it, and promised on his honour to bring it on next winter, pro- vided the^e alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him before the end of April. With an aching heart, I submitted to these con- ditions, and performed them accordingly. But fortune owed me another unforeseen mortifica- tion. Mr. Marmozct, during the summer, be- came joint patentee with Mr. Braver ; .so that, ■when I claimed performance of articles, I was told he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another author. " My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my pood friend and landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, •which they seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn. There I was arrested at the suit of my tailor, and thrown into this prison, where I have made shift to live these five weeks on the bounty of my fellow- prisoners, who, I hope, are not the worse for the instruction and good offices by which I manifest my gratitude ; but, in spite of all their chari- table endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with comfort." CHAPTER LXIV. / am seized inith a deep Melancholy, and become a Sloven — Am relieved hij my Uncle — He pre- vails vpon me to engage with his Owners, as Surgeon of the Ship which he cojtimayids — 1/c makes me a considerable Present — Entertains Strap as his Steicard — / take leave of my Friends, and go on Board — The Shij) arrives in the Downs. I SHALL not make any reflections on this story, in the course of whicli the reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and milky dispo- sition of this wnvthy man had been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, who were so habi- tnatedto falsehooil and equivocation, that I verily believe they would have found the utmost diffi- culty in uttering one sj-llable of truth, though their lives had depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the knavery and scltishness of mankind, I was amazed and incensed at the base indifference which suf- fered such uncommon merit as he possessed to languish in obscurity, and struggle with all the ■mi.series of a loathsome jail ; and should have blessed the occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of the amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to that society of whicii she constituted a part. Tlie picture of that lovely creature was the con- stant companion of my solitude. How often did I contemplate the resemblance of those enchant- ing features that first captivated my heart ! ]Iow often did I weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled ; and how often did I curse my perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original ! In vain did my imaginatioa flatter me with schemes of future happiness ; surly reason always interposed, and, in a mo- ment, overthrew that unsubstantial fabric, by chastising the extravagance of my hope, and re- presenting my unhappy situation in the right point of view. In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and engage in the parties of Jackson, at cards, billiards, nine-pins, and fives. A train of melancholy thouglits took possession of my soid, which even the conversa- tion of Melopoyn could not divert. I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my charmer, and my disappointment considerably augmented my chagi'in. My affectionate valet was iufucted with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This fellow.ship in- creased our distemper ; he became incapable of business, and was discarded by his master ; while I, seeing my money melt away, without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and degenerated into such a sloven, that during the space of two months I was neither washed, shifted, nor shaved ; so that my face, rendered meagi-e with abstinence, was ob- scured with dirt and overshadowed with hair, and my whole appearance squalid, and even frightful ; when one day Strap brought me notice that there was a man below who wanted to speak with me. Roused at this intelligence, and in full hopes of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, I ran down stairs with the utmost precipitation, and found, to my infinite surprise, my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling. Transported at the sight, I sprung forward to embrace hira. Upon which he started aside witli great agility, drew his hanger, and ]>ut himself upon his guard, saying, " Avast, brother, avast ! sheer off ! Yoho ! you turnkey, why don't you keep a better look-out ? here 's one of your crazj' prisoners broke from his lash- ings, I do suppose." I could not help laughing heartily at his mistake ; but this I soon rectified by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and shook me by the hand with great aflection, testi- fying his concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition. I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I introduced to liim as one of my best friends, he gave me to under- stand that he was just arrived from the coast of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful voyage, in which he acted as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French privateer ; that the captain being killed during tlie engajjement, he had taken the command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy ; after which exploit he fell ia with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo, and some silver ; and by virtue of his letter of marque, attacked, took, and brought her safe into Kinsale, in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize ; by which means he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour of his owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a large .ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liljerty to discover. Aiid he assured me that it was with the gi-eatest difh- cuUv that he had found me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings atWapping. I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune, and at his desire recounted all the adventures that had happened to me since we parted. When he understood the particulars of strap's attachment to me, lie squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him ; then giving me ten guineas for my present occasion, took a direction for the tailor jvho arrested me, and went away in order to discharge the debt, telling me at parting that he would soon fetch up all my lee-way with a wet sail. I was utterly confounded at this sudden tran- sition, which affected me more than any reverse I had fonnerly felt ; and a crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon my imagina- tion, that my reason could neither separate nor connect them, when Strap, whose joy had mani- fested itself in a thousand fooleries, came into my room with his shaving utensils, and, without any previous intimation, began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the while. I started from my reverie, and being too well acquainted with Strap, to trust myself in his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another barber, and siif- fered myself to be trimmed. Having performed the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest apparel, waited for the retm-n of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my sudden transformation. This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my cre- ditor, and obtained an order for my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner ; but as I had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening at my apart- ment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated me, notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were pleased to say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, his misfortime made so little impression on himself, and he was altogether so loose, indiffer- ent, and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity his situation. But I had conceived a veneration and fi-iendship for the poet, who was, in all respects, an object much more worthy of compassion and regard. "When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had retired, with an intention to visit me next morning, I made up a bundle of some linen, and other necessaries, and bidding Strap carry them to Mr. Melopoyn's lodging, went thither myself, and pressed it upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which, with much difficulty, he received, assuring me, at the same time, that he should never have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him any other way; to which he answered, "You already have done too much ;" and unable to contain the emotions of his soul any longer, burst into tears and wept aloud. Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his repose ; and when my uncle returned in the morning, represented his character in such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with his distress, and determined to follow my example in presenting him with five pieces more ; upon which, that I might save him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to enclose it in a letter to be delivered by Strap after we should be gone. This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance in the jail ; and just as I was about to step into a hackney-coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper if I could lend him a shilling ? His demand being so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he would make upon me, I slipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived than he cried, "0 Jesus! a guinea ! " then laying hold of a button of my coat, broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter ; and when his convulsion was ended, told me 1 was an honest fellow, and let me go. The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, where, when we arrived, he entered into a seaious discourse with me on the subject of my situa- tion, and proposed that I should sail with him in quality of his surgeon ; in which case he would put me in a method of getting a fortune in a few years by my own industry ; and assured me that I might expect to inherit all that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive him. Though I was penetrated with a sense of his generosity, I was startled at a proposal that ofl'ered violence to my love, and signified my sentiments on that head, which he did not seem to relish, but observed that love was the fruit of idleness ; that when once I should be employed in business, and my mind engaged in making money, I should be no more troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weather Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as a reproach, and, without giving myself time to deliberate, accepted his offer. He was overjoyed at my com- pliance, carried me immediately to his chief o\vner, with whom a bargain was struck ; so that then I could not retract with honour, had I been ever so much averse to the agreement. That I might not have time to cool, he bade me draw out a list of medicines for a complement of five hundred men, adapted to the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient for a voyage of eighteen months, and carry it to a certain wholesale apo- thecarj% who would also provide me in two well qualified mates. While I was thus employed. Strap came in, and looked very blank when he miderstood my resolution. However, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted upon going along vfith me, and at my desire was made ship's steward by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expense of fitting him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure. When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own couutrjnnen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instni- ments, my uncle told me that, by his last voyage, he had cleared almost three thousand pounds, one third of which he would immediately make over and put into my hands ; that he would pro- cure for me credit to the value of as much more, in such goods as would turn to best account in the country to which we were bound ; and that, although he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving his independence, and a power of punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what he had already bestowed. Without troubling the reader with an account of the efl'ect which this surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say that his promises were instantly performed, and an invoice of mer- chandise proper for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and ship them with all expedition. In the midst of this hurry, the remembrance of my cliarming Narcissa often interposed, and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with the thought of being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though "the hope of seeing her again might have supported me under the torments of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sor- rows to which her tender bosom would be ex- i84 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. posed during my ahsencc, without being pierced with the deepest aflliction. As my imagination •was daily and iiiijlitly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating this cnu-l stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in the opinion of this gentle creature. I at length stumbled upon an expedient, with which the reae of Hermes, produced a sound so loiul and shrill, that the stranger (as it were instinctively) stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing fronx such a dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, Pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling, and withoiit once moving them from that object, performed THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a Bow-golder's born ; the commodore, the lieu- tenant, and landlord joined in the chorus, repeat- ing this elegant stanza — " Bustle, bustle, brave boys ! Let us Ring, let us toil. And drink nil the while. Since labour's the price of our joys." The third line was no sooner pronounced than the can was lifted to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity ; and the next word taken up at the end of their draught wth a twang equally expressive and harmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another ; Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by the hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a mess of pork and peas in the garrison. The compliment was rcturaed, good fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced when the merchant's man arrived with a lanthorn to light his master home ; upon which the new friends parted, after a mutual promise o meeting next evening in the same place. CHAPTER III. Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for her Brother, who is accordingly introduced to the young Lady, whom he marries in due season. I HAVE been the more circumstantial in opening the character of Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of these memoirs ;. but now it is high time to resume the considera- tion of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, had been engrossed by a double care, namely, that of finding a suitable match for her brother, and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself. Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail suggestion, but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition which prompted her to the preservation of the family name. Nay, so dis- interested was she in this pursuit, that, postpon- ing her nearest concern, or at least leaving her ■own fate to the silent operation of her charms, she lalxiured with such mdefatigable zeal iu be- half of her brother, that, before they had been three months settled in the country, the general topic of conversation in the neighbourhooil, was an intended match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair Miss Appleby, daughter of a gentle- man who lived in the next parish, and who, though he had but little fortune to bestow upon his children, had (to use his own phrase) replen- ished their veins with some of the best blood in the country. This young lady, whose character and disposi- tion Mrs. Grizzle had investigated to her own satisfaction, was destined for the spouse of Mr. Pickle, and an overture accordingly made to her father, who being , overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without hesitation, and even recommended the immediate execution of the project with such eagerness, as seemed to indicate «ithiT a suspicion of Mr. I'ickle's constancy, or a diffidence of his own daughter's complexion, which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much longer cool. Tiie previous point being thus settled, our merchant, at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit his futiu-e father-in- law, and wiis introduced to the daughter, with whom he had, that same afternoon, an oppor- tunity of being alone. What passed in that interview I never could learn, though, from the character of the suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not much teased wth the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I l)elievo, the less welcome for that reason ; certain it is, she made no objection to his taciturnity, and, when her father communicated his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious resicrnation. But Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give the lady a more favourable idea of his intellects than what his conversation could possibly inspire, was resolvetl to dictate a letter, which her brother should transcribe and transmit to his mistress, as the produce of his o^vn understanding, and had actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose ; yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's repeated ad- monitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing for himself, and despatching the letter one after- noon, while Mrs. Grizzle was visiting at the par- son's. Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation ; but having been often assui-ed by his sister that it was absolutely necessary for him to make a declaration of his love in -miting, he took this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice, when his imagination was unen- gaged or undisturbed by any other suggestion, without suspecting the least that she intended to save him the trouble of exercising his o^vn genius. Left, therefore, as he imagined, to his own inven- tions, he sat down and produced the following morceau, which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before his sister and counsellor had the least intimation of the affair. " Miss Sally Appleby. "Madam, — Understanding you have a parcel of heart, warranted sound, to be disposed of, shall be willing to treat for said commodity, on reasonable terms ; doubt not shall agree for same ; shall wait of you for further information, when and where you shall appoint. This the needful from — Yours, etc., " Gam. Pickle." This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as if it had been couched in the most elegant tenns that delicacy of passion and cultivated genius could supply ; nay, I believe, was the more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness : because, when an ad- vantageous luatcn is in view, a sensible woman often considers the flowery professions and rap- turous exclamations of love as ensnaring ambi- guities, or at best impertinent preliminaries, that retard the treaty they are designed to promote ; whereas Mr. Pickle removed all disagreeable un- certamty by descending at once to the most interesting particular. She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, com- municated this billet-doux to her father than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle, and, in pre- sence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a fonual ex- ])lauation of his sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel, without any ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young woman, and with his good leave would take her for better for worse. Mr. Appleby, after having expressed his satisfaction that he had fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with the assurance of his being agree- able to the young lady, and they forthwith pro- THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 203 ceeded to the articles of the marriage-settlement, •which, being discussed and deterniiiied, a lawyer was ordered to engross them ; the wedding-clothes were bought, and, in short, a day was appointed for the celebration of their nuptials, to which everybody of any fashion in the neighbourhood was invited. Among these Commodore Tninnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten, being the .sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by this time, they had contracted a sort of inti- macy at their nocturnal rendezvous. They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil from the landlord before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare himself; in consequence of which the topic of the one- eyed commander's discourse at their meeting for several evenings before, had been the folly and plague of matrimony, on which he held forth ■with great vehemence of abuse levelled at the fair sex, whom he rejireseuted as devils incarnate, sent from hell to torment mankind ; and, in par- ticidar, inveighed against old maids, for whom he seemed to entertain a singular aversion ; while his friend Jack confirmed the triith of all his allegations, and gratified his own malignant vein at the same time by clenching every sentence ■with a sly joke upon the married state, built upon some allusion to a ship or seafaring life. He compared a woman to a great gim loaded ■with fire, brimstone, and noise, which being violently heated, will bounce and fly and play the de^vil if you don't take .special care of her breechings. He said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter, but veers about to all points of the compass. He likened her to a painted galley curiously rigged, ■with a leak in her hold, which her husband would never be able to stop. He obsen'ed that her inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay ; for why ? because you may heave yourdeep-sea lead long enough ■without ever reach- ing the bottom. That he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself moored in damned foul ground, and after all can't for his blood slip his cable ; and that for his own part, thof he might make short trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of life, because he was afraid of foundering in the fii'st foul weather. In all probability these insintiations made some impression on the mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very miich inclined to run great risks of any kind ; but the injunctions and importunities of his sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends, who, finding him determined to marry notwithstand- ing all the hints of caution they had thro^wn out, resolved to accept Ms in\itation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly. CHAPTER IV. Tlu. behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, vnth an account of the Guests. I HOPE it will not be thought uncharitable if I advance, by way of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle on this grand occasion summoned her whole exertion, to play off the artillery of her charms upon the single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment. Sure I am she dis- played to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she possessed. Her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon ; her attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable ; her tongue was sheathed ■with the most agreeable and infan- tine lisp ; her address was perfectly obligin"' • and though, conscious of the extraordinary capa- city of her mouth, she would not venture to hazard a laugh, she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper, which played upon her coun- tenance all day long ; nay, she even profited by that defect in her vision we have already ob- served, and securely contemplated those features which were most to her liking, while the rest of the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary direction. With what humi- lity and complaisance did she receive the com- pliments of those who could not help praising the elegance of the banquet ! and how piously did she seize that opportunity of commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that it was no merit in her to understand something of enter- tainments, as she had occasion to preside at so many during the mayoralty of her papa ! Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation when the opulence of her family be- came the subject of conversation, she assumed a severity of countenance ; and, after having moralized on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked upon her as a fortune were vei-y much mistaken, for her father had left her no more than poor five thousand pounds, which, ■with what little she had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend upon. Indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she should not have been so forward in destroying her o\vn expectations by advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily assembled ; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough to postpone any in- terested consideration when it should happen to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her modesty and self-denial, that she industriously informed those whom it might con- cern, that she was no less than three years older than the bride ; though, had she added ten to the reckoning, she would have committed no mistake in point of computation. To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of all present, she, in the after- noon, regaled them with a tune on the hai-psi- chord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the most melodious in the world, I dare say would have been equally at their service, could she have vied with Philomel in song ; and as the last effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed, she was prevailed upon, at the request of her new sister, to open the ball in person. In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival, and almost eclipsed the bride, who, far from seeming to dispute the pre- eminence, very ■wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents ; contenting herself M-ith the lot to which fortune had already called her, and which she imagined would not be the less desir- able if her sister-in-law were detached from the family. I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during this whole entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their ele- ment ; and this, indeed, was the case ■with the bridegroom himself, who, being iitterly un- acquainted with any sort of polite commerce, found himself under a veiy disagreeable restraint duiiug the whole scene. Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off, and never once in his whole life in the company of any females above the rank of those who herd upon the Point at Ports- mouth, was more embarrassed about his be- haviour than if he had been surroimded at sea by the whole French nav)'. He had never pro- 204 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. Doimced the word madam since he was born ; so that, far from entering into conversation with the ladies, he would not even return the compliment, or give the least rod of civility when they drank to his health ; and I verily believe would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed the simple phrase, your servant, to proceed from his mouth. He was altogether as inflexible with resnect to the attitudes of his body ; for, either through obstinacy or baslkfulness, he sat upright without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that was the commo- dore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand at his gate? — an image to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's person bore no faint resemblance. Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore, and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common life, made a less uncouth appearance ; but then he was a wit, and though of a very peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition which is com- mon to all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration which, in their o\\'n opinion, they deserve. These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some of the grave personages of the company made a motion for adjourning into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles, while the young folks indulged themselves in the con- tinuance of their o'mi favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a state of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made of their existence was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers that, in less than an honr, he made divers efforts to sing, and soon after was carried to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by this accident, were prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing cer- tain other ceremonies practised on such occasions. As for the bride, she bore this misfortune with great good-humour ; and indeed, on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman, perfectly well acquainted with the nature of her own situation. CHAPTER V. Mrs. rickle assumes the reins of Government in her own Famili/ — Her Sister-in-Law umier- takes an Enterprise of great moment, bvt is for some time diverted from her purpose by a very interesting consideration. Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs. Grizzle before she was so nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became Mrs. Pickle than she thought it incumbent upon lier to act up to the dignity of the character ; and the very day after the marriage ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which slie aflinncd to be more honour- able in all respects than that of her husband ; observing that several younger brothers of her house had arrived at the station of Lord Mayor of London, which was the highest pitch of great- ness that any of Mr. Pickle's predecessors had ever attained. This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Gnzzle, who began to perceive that she had not succeeded qiute so well as she imagined in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, who would always treat her with that profound respect which she thought due to her superior genius, and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction. However, she still continued to manage the reins of government in tlic house, reprehending the ser\'ants as usual ; an oflice she performed with great capacity, and in which she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told her one day she would take that trouble upon herself, and for the future assume the management of her own family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such a declaration, to which, after a considerable pause, and strange distortion of look, she re- plielan ichich she had be/ore rejected. The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to practise more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not been deterred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone ; which, while it lasted, as effec- tually conduced to her repose, as any other stratagem she coiild invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner restored, than the other, being as much incommoded as ever, was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some other contrivance ; and managed her artifices in such a manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical and capri- cious in her appetites as she herself pretended to be ; for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense, and even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be strangely diseased. One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear ; and it was with infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the operation. Yet this task was easy, in compari- son with another she undertook for the gratifi- cation of Mrs. Pickle's imaccountable desire ; which was no other than to persuade the com- modore to submit his chin to the mercy of the big-beUied lady, who ardently wished for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard- When this proposal was first com- municated to Mr. Trunmon by the husband, his answer was nothing but a dreadful efl'usion of oaths, accompanied with such a stare, and de- livered in such a tone of voice, as terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence ; so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain to take the whole enter- prise upon herself, and next day went to the garrison accordingly, where, having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while his commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and then accosted him in the yard, where he ased to perform his morning -walk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place which he had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch ; when Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him with many pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner, that the whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term bitch, and the word darnvnlion, which ho repeated ^vith surprising volubility, without any sort of propriety or connexion ; and retreated into his penetralia, leaving the baflled devotee in the humble posture she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt nis obdurate heart. Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately disposition, she did not re- linquish her aim, but endeavoured to interest the commodore's coimsellors and adherents in her cause. With this view she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being higlily pleased with a circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion, readily entered into her measures, and promised to employ his whole influence for her satisfaction ; and, as for the boatswain's mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of a guinea, which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten days, dur- ing which the commodore was so incessantly pestered with her remonstrances, and the ad- monitions of his associates, that he swore his people had a design upon his life, which becom- ing a burden to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is led to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs. After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerors ima- gined ; for the patient being set, and the per- former prepareil with a pair of pincers, a small difiiculty occun-ed. She could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face ; when Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and disconcerted, had recourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toUet; and, after a most accurate examination, dis- covered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which the in- strument being applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more severe than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part with another hair to save them all from damnation. Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation ; Mrs. Grizzle repeated her entreaties with great humility ; but finding him deaf to aU her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, she clasped his knees, and begged for the love of God that he would have compassion upon a distressed family, and endure a little more for the sake of the poor infant who would otherwise be bom with a grey beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather exasperated by this reflection, to which he replied with great indignation, " Damn you for a yaw- sighted bitch ! he '11 be hanged long enough before he has any beard at all." So saying, he disengaged himself from her embraces, flimg out at the door, and halted homewards with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake him until he had amved at his own gate ; and Mrs. Grizzle was so much affected with his escape that her sister, in pure compassion, desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her own wish was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once, having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience. But the labours of this assiduous kins- woman did not end with the achievement of this adventure ; her eloquence or industry was em- ployed without ceasing in the performance of other ta-sks imposed by the ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who, at another time, conceived an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should be the genuine natives of France ; so that there was a necessity for despatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom. But, as she could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook that province, and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, from whence she returned ineight-and- forty hours with a tub full of those live animals, which, being dressed according to art, her sister THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 107 would not taste them, on pretence that her fit of longing was past ; but then her inclinations took a (iillerent turn, and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood, which was reported to bo a very great curiosity ; this was no otlier than a porcehiin chamberpot of admirable workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner, who kept it for her ovra. private use, and cherished it as an utensil of inestimable value. Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint she re- ceived of her sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture, becaiise she knew it was not to be purchased ; and the lady's character, which was none of the most amiable in point of humanity and condescension, forbade all hopes of borrowing it for a season ; she therefore attempted to reason down tins capricioiis appetite, as an extravagance of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed ; and Mrs. Pickle, to all appearance, was convinced and satisfied by her arguments and advice, but, nevertheless, could make use of no other convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression. Roiised at the peril in which she supposed her to be, Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private audience, disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored the benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing. Mr. Piclde began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was her- self alarmed at this last accident, and, for the future, kept her fancy within bounds ; insomiich that, without being subject to any more extra- ordinary trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the long- ■\\ished-for fruits of her dearest expectation in the birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few mouths brought into the world. I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite, on this important occasion, and only observe, that Mrs. Pickle's mother and aimt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at the ceremony as godfather to the child, Avho was christened by the name of Peregrine, in compliment to the memory of a deceased rmcle. While the mother was confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining her owa authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant by a double claim, and superintended with surprising vigi- lance the nurse and midwife in all the particulars of their respective ofBces, which were performed by her express direction. But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a condition to re-assume the management of her own affairs, than she thought proper to alter certain regulations concerning the child which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders, directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy, should be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid natiu-e of all restraint, and give the blood free scope to circulate, and with her own hands she plunged him headlong every morning in a tub full of cold water. This operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle that she not only opposed it mth all her eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice when it was made, but took horse immediately, and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she consulted in these words : " Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by sousing it in water as cold as ice?" "Yes," replied the doctor, "dowmright mm-der, I aflarm." "I see you are a person of gi-eat learning and sagacity," said the other, "and I must beg you will be so good as to signify your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor immediately complied with her request, and expressed himself upon a slip of paper to this purpose — " These are to certify whom it may concern that I flnnly believe, and it is iny unalterable opinion, that whosoever letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in ctleot guilty of the murder of the said infant — as witness my hand, " Comfit Colocvnth." Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was handsomely acknowledged, she re- turned exulting, and hoping, wiili i'l-h authority, to overthrow all opposition. Accoraingly, next morning, when her nephew was about to imdergo liis diurnal baptism, she produced the coinmis- sion, whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhuman proceedings. But she was disappoiated in her expectation, confident as it was ; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended to differ in opinion from Dr. Colocynth, " for whose character and sentiments," said she, " I have such veneration that I shall carefully observe the caution implied in this very ceiiificate, by which, far from condemning my method of practice, he only asserts that killing is murder, an assevera- tion the truth of which, it is to be hoped, I never shall dispute." Mrs . Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially considered the clause by which she thought herself authorized, perused the paper with more accuracy, and was confounded at her own want of penetration. Yet, though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreason- able ; on the contrary, after having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets on the physician for his want of knowledge and candour, she protested in the most earnest and solemn manner against the pernicious practice of dipping the chUd, a piece of cruelty which, with God's assistance, she shoiild never suffer to be inflicted on her own issue ; and washing her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue, shiit herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation. She was deceived, however, in her prognostic. The boy, instead of declining in point of health, seemed to acquire fresh vigour from every phmge, as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who, in all probability, could never forgive him for this want of reverence and respect. This con- jecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy, during which she was known to torture him more than once, when she had opportunities, of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any danger of being detected. In a word, her affections were in a little time altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom she abandoned to the conduct of his mother, whose province it rmdoubtedly was to manage the nur- ture of her own child, while she herself resumed her operations upon the commodore, Avhom she was resolved at any rate to captivate and enslave. And it must be owned, that Mi-s. Grizzle's know- ledge of the human heart never shone so con- spicuous, as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment of this important aim. Tlirough the rough unpolished husk that cased the soul of Trunnion, she could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and self-conceit that generally predominate even in the most savage breast ; and to this she constantly appealed. In his presence she always exclaimed against the 2o8 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. craft and disbonest dissimulation of the world, and never failed of utterin;? particular invectives against those arts of chicanery in which the lawyers are so conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures, observing that, in a seafaring life, so far as she had opportunities of judging or being informed, there was nothing but fiiendship, sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or selfish. This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular civilities, iuscnybly made an impression on the mind of tji* cotnmodore, and that the more effectually, n'/liis former preposses- oions were built upon y«rt-y slender foimdations. His antipathy to (>lu -maids, which he had con- ceived upon liwtSay, began gradually to diminish when he f^Sund that they were not quite such infernal animals as they had been represented, and it ■was not long before he was heard to observe at'the club, that Pickle's sister had not so much -of the core of bitch in her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who, thus encouraged, redoubled all her arts and attention ; so that in less than three months after, he in the same place distinguished her with the epithet of a damned sensible jade. Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander, with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her stern, and he did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would be the better for being taken in tow. " But, howsomever," added this arch adviser, " I 'd have you take care of your upper works, for if once you are made fast to lier poop, egad, she '11 spank it away, and make every beam in your body crack with straining." Our she- projector's whole ])lan had like to have been ruined by the effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and suspicion being awakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to a cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he, after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these words : "Damn ye, you jury- legged dog, you would give all the stowage in your hold to be as sound as I am ; and as for being taken in tow, d'ye see, I 'm not so disabled but that I can lie my course, and perform my voyage without any assistance ; and, egad ! no man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging astern in the wake of e'er a bitch in Christen- dom." Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to the subject of his over- night's conversation with his friends, soon re- ceived the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to matrimony ; and, justly imputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinua- tions of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her success, and actually found means to interest him in her scheme. She had, indeed, on some occasions, a particular knack at making converts, being probably not unacquainted witli that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest i)ersonages of the age, as fraught with maxims much more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even when supported by the demonstrations of truth. Besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity to his new ally was continued by his foreseeing in Jiis captain's marriage an infinite fund of gi-atilication for his own cynical disposition. Thus, therefore, con- verted and properly cautioned, he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the matrimonial state, and, as he knew not how to open his mouth in the positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities of ex- cepting Mrs. Grizzle by name trom the censures he liberally bestowed upon the rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like Nan Castick of Deptford," he would say, "not a nincompoop, like Peg Simper of Woolwich ; not a brimstone, like Kate Coddle of Chatham ; nor a shrew, like Nell Griffin on the Point at Portsmouth (ladies to whom, at different times, they had both paid their addresses) ; but a tight, good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows very well how to box her compass, well trimmed aloft, and well sheathed alow, with a good cargo under her hatches." The commodore at first imagined this commen- dation was ironical, but hearing it repeated again and again, was filled with astonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour, and, after a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himself harboxired a matrimonial de- sign on the person of Mrs. Grizzle. Pleased wth this conjecture, he rallied Jack m his turn, and one night toasted her health as a compliment to his passion, a circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence, and interpreting it as the result of his ONvn tenderness for her, she congratulated herself upon the victory she had obtained, and, thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto industriously affected, resolved from that day to sweeten her behaviour towards him with such a dish of affection as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this deter- mination, he was invited to dinner, and, while he stayed, treated with such cloying proofs of her regard, tliat not only the rest of the company, but even Tninnion himself, perceived her drift ; and, taking the alarm accorduigly, could not help exclaiming, " Oho ! I see how the land lies, and if I don't weather the point, I '11 be damned. " Having thus expressed himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way to the garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and had no communication with iiis friends and domestics but by looks, which were most significantly picturesque. CHAPTER VII. Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who at Icnrjih is teased and tortured into the noose of Wedlock. This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification ; and, after having confined herself to bed for three days, sent for her brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle, surprised at her demand, began to act the jiart of a comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not .at all dangerous ; and that he would instantly send for a physician, who would convince her that she was in no manner of jco- l)ar(ly ; so that there was no occasion at present to employ an officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself was heir at law to his sister's whole real and personal estate. But she insisted upon his compliance with such deter- THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. IOC) mined obstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities ; and a scrivener arriving, she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed to Commodore Trunnion one thou- sand pounds, to purchase a mourning ring, which she hoped ho would wear as a pledge of her friendship and aflection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured hira, generously re- membered by the testatrix. The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intel- ligence, watched for an opportimity, and as soon as lie perceived the commodore's features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had retained so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with con- fusion, and Mr. Hatchway imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favour- able moment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor yoimg woman who was dying for love of him. But his admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable ; for Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her disorder, than, his morosity recurring, he burst out into a violent fit of cursing, and forthwith betook him- self again to his hammock, where he lay uttering, in a low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations, for the space of foiu"- and-twenty houi's, without ceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to enhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and, at the same time, conduce to the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed upon Pipes, who was de- voted to his service, to get upon the top of the chimney belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and to lower down by a rope a bunch of stinlcing whitings ; which being per- formed, he put a speaking trumpet to his mouth, and holloed down the vent, in a voice like thunder, " Trunnion ! Trunnion ! turn out and be spliced, or lie still and be damned." This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and darkness of the night, as well as the echo of the passage through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore, than, turning his eye to- wards the place from whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glitteiing object that vanished in an instant. Just as his super- stitious fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswain's mate, according to the instructions he had received ; and he had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected by his com- mander, who could not for a whole hour recollect himself from the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties. At length, however, he got up, and rung his bell with great agitation. He repeated the sum- mons more than once ; but no regard being paid to this alarm, his dread returned with double teiTor, a cold sweat bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered to pieces in the convulsive vibrations of his jaws. In the midst of this agony he made one des- perate effort, and, bursting open the door of his apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which happened to be on the same lioor. There he found the lieutenant in a counterfeit swoon who pretended to wake from his trance in an ejaculation of " Lord have mercy upon us !" and, being questioned by the tenified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he had heard the same voice and clap of tlumder by which Tnmnion himself had been discom- posed. Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to the same purpose ; and the commodore not only owned that he had heard the voice, but likewise comumnicated his vision, with all the aggravation which his disturbed fancy sug- gested. A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway very gi-avely observed that the finger of God was plainly perceivable in those signals ; and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard his commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, more advantageous than any that one of his years and infirmities covdd reasonably expect; declai-ing that, for his own part, he would not endanger his soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the holy will of heaven ; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution. Ti-unnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity of considerations that as- saulted it ; he revolved in silence all the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection ; and after having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving a piteous groan, jielded to their remonstrances, in these words : " Well, since it must be so, 1 think we must e'en grapple. But, damn my eyes ! 'tis a damned hard case that a fellow of my years should be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of his life, against the current of his o\vn inclination." This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely re- warded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick as she was, she coidd not help laughing heartily at the contrivance in con- sequence of which her swain's assent had been obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part he acted in the farce. In the afternoon the commodore suffered him- self to be conveyed to her apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her in a lan- guishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accom- panied by her sister-in-law, who was, for very- obvious reasons, extremely solicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his behaviour at this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of "How d'ye?" to his mistress ; and, after his coimsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had replied aloud, " Damn your eyes, I won't," he got up, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation, he seized her hand, and pressed it to his lips ; but this piece of gallcmtry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the compliment without shrinking ; and he himself was so disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of the room, where he sat silent, broiling with shame and vexation. Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. matron, quitted the place, on pretence of going to the nursery ; and Mr. Hatcnway, taking the hint, recollected that he had left his tobacco- Souch in the parlour, whither he immediately ascended, leavmg the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma be- fore. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of nature ; and the imploring sighs of his future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress. Impa- tient of his situation, he rolled his eye around in quest of some relief, and, unable to contain himself, exclaimed, "Damnatiou seize the fellow and his pouch too ! I believe ho has sheered oif, and left me here in the stays." Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifes- tation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to him, that he could not put up with her company for a few moments without repining ; and began in very tender terms to re- proach him with his inhumanity and indifference. To this . expostulation he replied, "Zounds! what would the woman have / Let the parson do his office when he wool ; here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block, d'ye see, and damn all nonsensical palaver." So saying, he retreated, leaving his mistress not at all dis- obliged at his plain dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties, wthout the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in the business ; making that condition the indispensable firelinnnary of the whole agree- ment. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle's heart dilated with joy ; her health, which, by the bye, was never dangerously im- paired, she recovered as if by enchantment ; and a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the .short period of her celibacy in choosing orna- ments for the celebration of her entrance into the married state. CHAPTER VIII. Preparations arc made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed by an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither. The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the coimtry ; and on the day ap- pointed for their spousals, the church was sur- rounded by an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give a specimen of his gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of all his male attendants, whom he liad rigged with the wliite shirts and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew ; and lie bought a couple of hunters for tlie accommodation of himself andhis lieutenant. With this equipage, then, he set out from the garrison for the church, after having despatched a messenger to apprise the bride that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and di'ove directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed. Thus arrived at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited a whole half liour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began to be imder some apprehension, and acconlingly dismissed a sen-ant to quicken his pace. "The valet having rode something more than a mUe, espied the whole troop disposed in a lon^ field, crossing the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom and his friend Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from pro- ceeding farther in the same direction, fired a pistol, and stood over to the other side, making an obtuse angle with the line of his former course ; and the rest of his squadron followed his example, keeping always in the rear of each other like a fiiglit of wild geese. Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came up, and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected him in the church, where they had tarried a consider- able time, and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay ; and therefore desired he would proceed with more expedition. To this message Mr. Trunnion replied, " Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all possible speed ? Go back, and tell those who sent you, that the wind has shifted since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged to make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the narrowness of the channel ; and that, as we lie within six points of the wind, they must make some allowance for variation and leeway." "Lord, sir!" said the valet, "what occasion have you to go zigzag in that manner ? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride straight forward, and I '11 engage you shall be at the church porch in less than a quarter of an hour." " \Vliat ! right in the wind's eye '?" answered the commander. " Ahey ! brother, where did you learn your navigation ? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at tliis time of day how to lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you, brother, you best know the trim of your own frigate." The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be easily persuaded out of their owni opinions, returned to the temple, and made a report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small consolation of the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of disquiet. Com- posed, however, by this piece of intelligence, she exerted her patience for the space of another half hour, during which period, seeing no bride- groom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed ; so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation, which manifested itself in frequent palpitations, heart-heavings, and alterations of countenance, in spite of the assistance of a smell- ing-bottle, which she incessantly applied to her nostrils. Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion. Some imagined he had mis- taken the iilace of rendezvous, as he had never been at church since he lirst settled in that parish ; others believed he had met with some accident, in consequence of which his attendants had carried him back to his o^vn house ; and a third set, in which the bride hei-self was thought to be comprehended, could not help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind. But all these suppositions, ingenious as they were, happened to be wide of the true cause that de- tained him, wjiicli was no other than this :— The commodore and his crew had, by dint of turning, almost weathered the parson's house, that stood to windward of the church, when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant bestrode. These fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound, than, eager for the chase, they sprung away all of a sudden, and strauied every nerve to partake of the sport, flew across THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 211 tli6 fields with incredible speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and eveiythins in their way, without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The lieutenant, whoso steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would be great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle with his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportiuiity of throwing himself off in his pas- sage through a field of ricli clover, among which he" lay at his ease ; and seeing his captain advanc- ing at full gallop, hailed him with the salutation of "What cheer? ho !" The commodore, who was in. infinite distress, eyeing him askance, as he passed, replied with a faltering voice, "0 damn you ! you are safe at an anchor ; I wish to God I were as fast moored." Nevertheless, con- scious of his disabled heel, he would not venture to try the experiment which had succeeded so w^ell with Hatchway, but resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until Provi- dence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped his whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pummel, contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat, I and grinning most formidably in conse- quence of this exertion. In this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way, when all of a sudden his view was comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared before him, as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter must neces- sarily end. But, alas ! he reckoned without his host. Far from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprung over it with amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner, who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and now began to think in good earnest that he was actu- ally mounted on the back of the devil. He re- commended himself to God, his reflection forsook him, his eyesight and all his other senses failed, he quitted the reins, and, fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this condition conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to their view. The commodore's person was at all tunes an object of admiration ; much more so on this occasion, when every singularity was aggravated by the circum- stances of his dress and disaster. He had put on, in honour of his n^iptials, his best coat of blue broad cloth, cut by a tailor of Kamsgate, and trimmed with five dozen of brass buttons, large and small ; his breeches were of the same piece, fastened at the knees with large bimches of tape ; his waistcoat was of red plush, lapelled with gi-een velvet, and garnished with vellum holes ; his boots bore an infinite resem- blance, both in colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets ; his shoulder was graced with a broad buff belt, from whence depended a huge hanger, with a hilt like that of a backsword ; and on each side of his pummel appeared a rusty pistol, rammed in a case covered with a bear- skin. The loss of his tie periwig and laced hat, which were curiosities of the kind, did not at all contribute to the improvement of the picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and the natural extension of his lanthorn jaws, added to the peculiarity and extravagance of the whole. Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company from the chase, had his horse thought proper to pxxrsue a differ- ent route, but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way.than that which the stag followed ; and, therefore, without stopping to gratify the cviriosity of the spectators, he, in a few minutes, outstripped every hiinter in the field. There being a deep hollow way betwixt him and the hounds, rather than ride round about the length of a furlong to a path that crossed the lane, he transported himself, at one jump, to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of a wag- goner who chanced to be underneath, and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage. This was not the only adventure he achieved. The stag having talcen a deep river that lay in his way, every man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood ; but our bridegroom's courser, despising all such conveniencies, plunged into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a twinkling to the opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an element, of which Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped to recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, who, at his landing on the other side, gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for as- sistance, which he could not possibly receive, because his horse still maintained the advantage he had gained, and would not allow himself to be overtaken. In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actu- ated by the same spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's example. Our bridegroom finding himself at last brought up, or, in other words, at the end of his career, took the opportunity of the first pause, to desire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dis- mounting ; and was by their condescension safely placed on the grass, where he sat staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness of astonishment in his looks, as if he had been a creature of another species, dropped among them from the clouds. Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself, and seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocket and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other than neat Cognac, which it really was, and expressing a desire of participation, was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, which perfectly completed his recovery. By this time he and his two horses had en- grossed the attention of the whole crowd ; while some admired the elegant proportion and uncom- mon spirit of the two animals, the rest contem- plated the surprising appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en passant ; and at length one of the gentlemen accosting him very courteously, sigiutied his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, and asked him if he had not dropped his companion by the way. " Why, look ye, brother," replied the commodore, " may- hap you think me an odd sort of a fellow, seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost part of my rigging ; but this here is the case, d'ye see : I weighed anchor from my own house this morn- ing at ten a.m., with fair weather and a favour- able breeze at south-south-east, being bound to the next church on the voyage of niatriniony; but howsomever, we had not run down a quarter of a league, when the wind shifting, blowed directly in our teeth ; so that we were forced to tack ail the way, d' ye see, and had almost beat up witliin sight of the port, when these sons of bitches of horses, which I had bought but two days before (for my own part, I believe they are devils iTicarnate), luffed round in a trice, and then refusing the helm, drove away like light- ning with me and my lieutenant, who soon cam© to anchor in an exceeding good Werth. As for my own part, I have been carried over rocks, 212 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. and flats, and quicksands ; among which I have pitched away a special pood tie periwig, and an iron-bonnd liat ; ;md at last, thank God ! am got into smooth water and safe riding ; but if ever I venture my carcass upon such a hare'um scare'um blood of a bitch again, my name is not Hawser Trunnion, damn my eyes 1" One of the company, struck with this name, which he had often heard, immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of tlds singular account ; and observing that his horses were very vicious, asked how he intended to return. " As for tliat matter," replied Mr. Trunnion, " I am resolved to hire a sledge or waggon, or such a thing as a jack-ass ; for I '11 be damned if ever I cross the back of a horse again." "And what do you propose to do ^nth these creatures ?" said the other, pointing to the hunters ; " they seem to have some mettle ; but then they are mere colts, and will take the devil and all of breaking. Methinks this hinder one is shoulder-slipped." "Damn them," cried the commodore, "I wish both tlieir necks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good yellow boys." " Forty guineas !" exclaimed the stranger, who was a squire and a jockey, as well as owner of the pack ; " Lord ! Loi-d 1 how a man may be imposed upon ! Why, these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plough ; mind what a flat counter ; do but observe how sharp this here one is in the withers ; then he 's lired in the further fetlock." In short, this con- noisseur in horse-flesh, having discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be found in that species of animals, ottered to give him ten guineas for the two, sa>-ing he would convert them into beasts of burden. The owner, who, after what had happened, was very well disposed to listen to anything that was said to their pre- judice, inii>licitly believed the tnith of the stran- ger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley of oaths against the rascal who had taken htm in, and forthwith struck a bargain with the squire, who ])aid him instantly for his purchase ; in con- sequence of which he won the plate at the next Canterbuiy races. This affair being transacted to the mutual satis- faction of both parties, as well as to the general entei-tainment of the company, who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend, Trunnion was set upon the squire's o^vn horse, and led by his servant in the midst of this caval- cade, which proceeded to a neighbouring village, where they had bespoke dinner, and where our bridegi'oom found means to provide himself with another hat and wg. With regard to liis mar- riage, he bore his disappointment with the temper of a philosopher ; and the exercise he had uniler- gone having quickened his appetite, sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance, mak- ing a very hearty meal, and moistening eveiy morsel with a draught of the ale, which he found very much to his satisfaction. CHAPTER IX. He is found by the Lieutenant — Reconducted to his own House — Married to Mrs. Grizde, who meets vnth a small misfortune in the JS'iyht, and asserts her Prerogative next morning ; in consequence of which her Uxishand's eye is en- dangered. Meajjwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the churcli, where he inlbrmed the com- pany of what had happened to the commodore ; and the bride l)ehaved with great decency on the occasion ; for, as soun as slie understood the danger to which her future husband was exposed, sne fainted in the arms of her sister-in-law, to the sur- prise of all the spectators, who could not com- l)rehend the cause of her disorder ; and when she was recovered by the application of smelling- bottles, earnestly begged that Mr. Hatchway and Tom Pipes would take her brother's coach, and go in quest of their commander. This task they readily undertook, being es- corted by all the rest of his adherents on horse- back ; while the bride and her friends were in- ^•ited to the parson's house, and the ceremony deferred till another occasion. The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of direction in which Trunnion went off, as the coach-road would permit, got intelligence of his track from one farm-house to another ; for such an apparition could not fail of attracting particular notice ; and one of the horsemen hav- ing picked up his hat and %vig in a bye-path, the whole troop entered the village where he was lodged about four o'clock in the afternoon. When they imderstood he was safely housed at the George, they rode up to the door in a body, and expressed their satisfaction in three cheers ; which were returned by the company within, as soon as tliey were instructed in the nature of the salute by Trunnion, who by tliis time had entered into all the jollity of his new friends, and was indeed more than half-seas over. The lieutenant was introduced to all present as his sworn brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom Pipes and tlie crew were regaled in another room ; and a fre.sh pair of horses being put to the coach, about six in the evening, the commo- dore, with all his attendants, departed for the garrison, after having shook hands with every individual in the house. Without any farther accident, he was con- veyed in safety to his owii gate before nine, and committed to the care of Pipes, who carried him instantly tp his hammock, while the lieutenant was diiven away to the place where the bride and her friends remauied in great anxiety, which vanished when he assured them that his commo- dore was safe, being succeeded by abundance of ndrlh and pleasantry at the accoiuit he gave of Tninnion's adventure. Another day was fixed for the nuptials ; and, ia order to balk the curiosity of idle people, which had given great offence, the parson was prevailed upon to perform the ceremony in the garrison, which all that day was adorned with iiags and pendants displayed, and at night illuminated by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered the patererocs to be fired as soon as the marriage-knot was tied. Neither were the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this ingenious contriver, who produced unde- niable proofs of his elegance and art in the wed- ding supper, which had been committed to his management and direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed of sea-dishes ; a huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece of beef sliced, a couple of fowls, and half a peck of rice, smoked in the middle of the board ; a dish of hard fish swimming in oil appeared at each end, the sides being furnished with a mess of that savoury composition kno^^■n by the name of lob's cousse, and a plate of salmagundy. The second course displayed a goose of a monstrous magnitude, flanked with two guinea hens, a pig barbecued, a liock of salt pork in the midst of a pease pudding, a leg of mutton roasted, with potatoes, and another boiled with yams. Tlie third scr- THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. !r3 vice was made up witli a loin of fresh pork with apple sauce, a kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin baked in the shell ; and last of all, a prodigious sea-pie was presented, with an infinite volume of pancakes and fritters. Thiit cvery- thinc; might be answerable to the magnificence of tliis delicate feast, he had provided vast quantities of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt hrandy, with plenty of Bavbadoes-water for the ladies ; and hired all the fiddles within six miles, who, with the addition of a drum, bagpipe, and Welsh harp, regaled the guests with a most melodious concert. The company, who were not at all exceptious, seemed extremely well pleased with every parti- cular of the entertainment ; and the evening being spent in the most social manner, the bride was by her sister conducted to her apartment, ■where, however, a trifling circumstance had like to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto maintained. I have already observed that there was not one standing bed within the walls ; therefore the reader -will not wonder that Mrs. Trunnion was out of humour, when she found herself under the necessity of being confined mth her spouse in a hammock, which, though enlarged with a double portion of canvass, and dilated with a yoke for the occasion, was at best but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous, situation. She accordingly complained with some wai-mth of this incon- venience, which she imputed to disrespect, and at first absolutely refused to put lap with the expedient ; but Mrs. Pickle soon brought her to reason and compliance, by observing that one rdght would soon be elapsed, and next day she might regulate her o\vn economy. Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was visited by her husband in less than an hour, the company being departed to their own homes, and the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant and mate. But it seems the hooks that supported this swinging couch were not cal- culated for the addition of weight which they were now destined to bear; and therefore gave way in the middle of the night, to the no small terror of Mrs. Tmnnion, who perceiving herself falling, screamed aloud, and by that exclamation hrought Hatchway, with a light, into the cham- ber. Though she had received no injury by the fall, she was extremely discomposed and incensed at the accident, which she even openly ascribed to the obstinacy and wliimsical oddity of the commodore, in such petulant terms as evidently declared that she thought her great aim accom- plished, and her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed, her bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit resignation ; for he made no reply to her in- sinuations, but with a most vinegar aspect, crawled out of his nest, and betook himself to rest in another apartment, while his irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and from the wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself on the floor, fuUy determined to pro- vide better accommodation for the next night's lodging. Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts, during the remaining part of the night, were en- grossed by a scheme of reformation she was re- solved to execute in the family ; and no sooner did the first lark bid salutation to the mom, than, starting from her humble couch, and huddling on her clothes, she sallied from her chamber, explored her way through paths before imknown, and in the course of her researches, perceived a large bell, to which she made such effectual application as alarmed every .stnil in the family. In a moment she was surrounded by Hatchway, Pipes, and all the rest of the servants, half-dressed ; but seeing none of the feminine gender appear, she began to storm at the sloth and laziness of the maids, who, she observed, ought to have been at work an hour at least before she called ; and then, for the first time, \mderstood that no woman was permitted to sleep within the walls. She did not fail to exclaim against this regula- tion ; and being informed that tlio cook and chambermaid lodged in a small ofilce-house, that stood without the gate, ordered the drawbridge to be let down, and in person beat up their quarters, commanding them forthwith to set about scouring the rooms, which had not been hitherto kept in a very decent condition, while two men were immediately employed to trans- port the bed on which she used to lie, from her brother's house to her new habitation ; so that, in less than two hours, the whole economy of the garrison was turned topsy-turvy, and every- thing involved in tumult and noise. Trunnion, being disturbed and distracted with the uproar, turned out in his shirt lilce a maniac, and arming himself with a cudgel of crab-tree, made an irrup- tion into his wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of carpenters at work in joining a bed- stead, he, with many di-cadful oaths and oppro- brious invectives, ordered them to desist, swear- ing he would suffer no bulk-heads nor hurricane houses to stand where hu was master ; but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these mechanics, who believed him to be some madman belonging to the family, who had broke from his confine- ment, he assaulted them both with great fury and indignation, and was handled so roughly in the encoimter, that in a very short time he measured his length on the floor, in consequence of a blow that he received from a hammer, by which the sight of his remaining eye was grievously endangered. Having thus reduced him to a state of sub- jection, they resolved to secure him with cords, and were actually busy in adjusting his fetters, when he was exempted from the disgrace, by the accidental entrance of his spouse, who rescued him from the hands of his adversaries, and, in the midst of her condolence, imputed his mis- fortune to the inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition. He breathed nothing but revenge, and made some efi'orts to chastise the insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they ujiderstood his quality, asked forgiveness for what they had done, with gi-eat humility, protesting that they did not know he was master of the house. But, far from being satisfied with this apology, he groped about for the bell (the inflammation of his eye having utterly deprived him of sight), and the rope being, by the precaution of the delinquents, conveyed out of his reach, began to storm mth incrediible vociferation, like a lion roaring in the toil, pouring forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and calling by name Hatchway and Pipes, who, being within hearing, obeyed the extraordinary smnmons, and were ordered to put the carpenters in irons, for hav- ing audaciously assaulted him in his own house. His mjTmidons, seeing he had been evU-en- treated, were exasperated at the insxilt lie had suflered, which they considered as an affront upon the dignity of the garrison : the more so, as the mutineers seemed to put themselves in a posture of defence, and set their authority at defiance. They therefore unsheathed their cut- 214 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. lasses, which they commonly wore as badges of their commission ; and a desperate engagement, in all probal>ility, wonld have ensued, had not the lady of the castle interposed, and prevented the effects of their animosity, by assuring the lieutenant that the commodore had been the aggressor, and that the workmen, finding them- selves attacked in such an extraordinary manner bv a person whom they did not know, were obliged to act in their own defence, by which he had received that unlucky contusion. Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs. Trunnion, than, .sheatliing his indignation, he told the commodore that he should always be ready to execute his lawful commands, but that he could not in conscience be concerned in op- pressing poor people who had been guilty of no offence. This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviour of his wife, who in his hearing desired the carpenters to resume their work, lilled the breast of Trunnion with raf^c and mortification. He pulled off his woollen night-cap, pummell'd his bare pate, beat the floor alternately with his feet, swore his people had betrayed him, and cursed himself to the lowest pit of hell, for hav- ing admitted such a cockatrice into his family. But all these exclamations did not avail ; they were among the last essays of his resistance to the will of his wife, whose influence among his adherents had already swallowed up his ovra, and who now peremptorily told him that he must leave the management of everjiihing with- in doors to her, who understood best what was for his honour and advantage. She then ordered a poultice to be prepared for his eye, which, being applied, he was committed to the care of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house like a blind bear growling for prey, while his indus- trious yoke-fellow executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected ; so that, when he recovered his \'ision, he was an utter stranger in his own house. CHAPTER X. Tlie Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse to Artifice in the cslaUish- vient of her Throne — She exhibits symptoms of Pregnancy, to tfic unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who nevertheless is balked in his expectation. These innovations were not effected without many loud objections on Ids part ; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and his yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute ; insomuch that his countenance gra- dually fell ; he began to suppress, and at length entirely devoured, his chagrin ; the terrors of superior authority were plainly perceivable in his features, and in less than three months he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his obstinacy was extinguished, though over- come ; in some things he was as inflexible and mulish as ever ; but then lie durst not kick so openly, and was reduced to the necessity of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for example, proposed that a coach and nix should be purchased, as she could not ride on horseback, and the chaise was a scandalous car- riage for a person of her condition ; the commo- dore, conscious of his own inferior capacity in point of reasoning, did not think proper to dis- pute the proposal, but lent a deaf ear to her remonstrances^ though they were enforced with every argument which she thought could soothe, terrify, shame, or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urge the excess of affection she had for him, as meriting some return of tender- ness and condescension ; he was even proof against certain menacing hints she gave, touch- ing the resentment of a slighted woman ; and ho stood out against all the considerations of dig- nity or disgrace, like a bulwark of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind expres- sions of contratliction, even when she upbraided him with his sordid disposition, and put him in mind of the fortune and honour lie had acquired by his marriage, but seemed to retire ^vithin himself, like a tortoise when attacked, that .shrinks within its shell, and silently endured the scourge of her reproaches, without seeming sensible of the smart. This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since her nuptials ; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, she tortured her invention for some new plan, by which she might augment her influence and autho- rity. What her genius refused was supplied by accident ; for she had not lived four months in the garrison, when she was seized with frequent qualms and retchings, her breasts began to harden, and her stomach to be remarkably prominent ; in a word, she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her o\STi fertility, and the commodore was transported with joy at the prospect of an heir of his own begetting. She knew this was the proper season for vindi- cating her own sovereignty, and accordingly em- ployed the means which nature had put in her power. There was not a rare piece of furniture and apparel for which she did not long ; and one day as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipage arrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity had never been so per- fectly gratified as with this promised harvest of his own sowing, took the alarm immetliately, and in order to prevent relapses of that kind, which might be attended with fatal consequences to his hope, gave her leave to bespeak a coach, horses, ami liveries to her own liking. Thus authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a specimen of her own taste and magnificence, as afforded speculation to the whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him, because he foresaw no limits to her extravagance, which also manifested itself in the most expensive prepara- tions for her lying-in. Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the re- presentative of her father's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect, and prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family. She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reser\'e that implied a conscious superiority, and an emulation in point of gran- deur immediately commenced between the two sisters. She every day communicated her im- portance to the whole parish, vmder pretence of taking the air in her coach, and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among people of fashion. Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty ; for all persons whatever, capable of maintaining a certain appearance, will always find admission into what is called the best com- ])auv, and be rated in point of character according to their own valuation, without subjecting their pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. In all her visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring her present condition, observing that she was forbid by her physicians to taste such a pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in her way ; nay, where she THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. !IS Was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to make wry faces, and complamed that the young rogue began to bo very unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had been grievously incommoded by the metal of this future Trunnion. The husband himself did not behave with all the moderation that might have been expected. At the club he frequently men- tioned this circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be performed by an old fellow of fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by redoubled squeezes of the land- lord's hand, which never failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might. When his companions drank to the Ilaiis en Tcelder, or, Jack in the low cellar, he could not help display- ing an extraordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his intention of sending the young dog to sea, as soon as he should be able to carry a cartridge, in hopes of seeing him an officer be- fore his own death. This hope helped to console him under the ex- traordinary expense to which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when he con- sidered that his compliance with her prodigality would be limited to the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part was by this time elapsed. Yet, in spite of all this philosophical resignation, her fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity, that his temper forsook him, and he could not help wishing in secret, that her pride might be confounded in the dissipation of her most flattering hopes, even though he himself should be a principal sufferer by the disappoint- ment. These, however, were no other than the suggestions of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided as suddenly as they arose, and never gave the least distiirbance to the person who in- spired them, becau.se he took care to conceal them carefully from her Icnowledge. Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckon- ing, with the promise of a favourable issue ; the term of her computation expired, and in the middle of the night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeak the approach of the critical moment. The commodore got up with great alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been several days in the house ; the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most inter- esting expectations prevailed ; but the symptoms of labour gradually vanished, and, as the matrons sagely observed, this was no more than a false alarm. Two nights after they received a second intima- tion ; and as she was sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be in a fair way. Yet this visitation was not more conclusive than the former ; her pains wore oft in spite of all her endeavours to encourage them, and the good women betook themselves to their respec- tive homes, in expectation of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to the well-known maxim, that number three is always fortunate. For once, however, this apothegm failed : the next call was altogether as ineffectual as the former ; and more- over attended with a phenomenon which to them was equally strange and inexplicable. This was no other than such a reduction in the size of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been expected after the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such an unaccountable event, they sat in close divan ; and, concluding that the case was in all respects unnatural and prodigious, desired that a messen- ger might be immediately despatched for some male practitioner in the art of midwiferj'. The commodore, without guessing the cause of their perplexity, ordered Pipes immediately on this piece of duty ; and in less than two hours they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood, who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. This assevera- tion was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who had been, during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation of being hailed with the appellation of father. After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow, and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, being com- forted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations of the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trimnion with liopes of a speedy and safe delivery ; observing, that she had beea concerned in many a case of the same nature, where a fine child was found, even after all signs of the mother's pregnancy had disappeared. Every twig of hope, how slender soever it may be, is eagerly caught hold on by people who find themselves in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposed by her to the lady with the preambles of " Ha'n't you ? " or " Don't you?" an answer was made in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not ; because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom that might favour the notion she had so long indulged. This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept in close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which the patient had several returns of what she pleased herself with believing to be labour pains, till at length she and her husband became the standing joke of the parish ; and this infatuated couple could scarce be prevailed upon to part with their hopes, even when she appeared as lank as a greyhoimd, and they were furnished with other imquestion- able proofs of their having been deceived. But they could not for ever remain under the influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away, and was succeeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion, that kept the husband within doors for the space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady to her bed for a series of weeks, during which she suffered all the anguish of the most intense mortification ; yet even this was subdued by the lenient hand of time. The first respite from her chagiin was em- ployed in the strict discharge of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with the most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her own family, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, even niffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom PilJes, harassed the commodore liimself out of all patience, and spared no individual but Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to disoblige. CHAPTER XL Mrs. Tnmnion erects a Tyranny in the Garri- son, while her Husband conceives an Affection for his Nephew Perry, who manifests aiiecu- liarity of Disposition eveyi in his tender years. Having exercised herself three months in such Yjious amusements, she appeared again in the world ; but her misfortune had made such au impression on her mind, that she could not bear the sight of a child, and trembled whenever the conversation happened to turn ufjon a christening. Her temper, which was naturi^Uy none of the sweetest, seemed to have imbibed a dou^jle pro-i 2l6 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. portion of souring from her disappointment ; of consequence licr company was not niurh covctetl, and she fouml very few people disposed to treat her with those marks of consideration which she looked upon as her due. This neglect detached her from the society of an unmannerly world ; she concentred the energy of all her talents in the government of her own house, which groaned accordingly iinilor her arbitrary sway ; and in the brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all the affliction she had luidergone. As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his disgrace, after having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant ; and now his chief aim being to be absent from his own house as much as possible, he frequented the public-house more tiian ever, more assiduously cultivated the friendship of his brother-in-law Mr. Pickle ; and, in the course of their intimacy, conceived an affection for his nephew Perry, which did not end but with his life. Indeed, it must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in the social passions of the soul, which, though they were strangely warped, disguised, and overborne, by the circumstance of his boister- ous life and education, did not fail to manifest themselves occasionally through the whole course of his behaviour. As all the hopes of propagating his own name had perished, and his relations lay under the interdiction of his hate, it is no wonder that, through the familiarity and friendly intercourse subsisting between him and Mr. Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy, who by this time entered the third year of his age, and was indeed a very handsome, healthy, and promising child ; and what seemed to ingratiate him still more with his uncle, was a certain oddity of disposi- tion, for which he had been remarkable, even from his cradle. It is reported of him that, be- fore the first year of his infancy Avas elapsed, he used very often, immediately after being dressed, in the midst of the caresses which were bestowed upon him by his mother, while she indulged her- self in the contemplation of her own happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of shrieks and cries, which continued with great violence till he was stripped to the skin witli the utmost expedition, by order of his affrighted parent, who thought his tender body was tortured by the misapplication of some unlucky pin ; and when he had given them all this disturbance and un- necessary trouble, he would lie sprawling and laughing in their faces, as if he lidiculed the im- pertinence of their concern. Nay, it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman, who attended in the nursery, had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial waters to her mouth, he pulled his niuse by the sleeve, and, by a slight glance de- tecting the theft, tipt her the wink with a parti- cular slyness of countenance, as if he had said with a sneer, " Ay, ay, that is what you must all come to." But these instances of reliectiou in a babe nine months old are so incredible, that I look upon them as tx post facto observations, foundea upon imaginary recollection, when ho was in a more advanced ago, and his peculiarities of temper became much more remarkable — of a piece with the ingenious discoveries of those sagacious observers who can discern something evidently characteristic in the features of any noted personage, whose character they have pre- viously heard explained ; yet, without pretending to specify at what period of his childhood this singularity first appeared, I can with great truth declare, that when he first attracted the notice and affection of his uncle, it was plainly perceivable. One would imagine he had marked out the com- modore as a proper object of ridicule, for almost all his little childish satire was levelled against him. I will not deny that he might have been influenced in this particular by the example and instruction of Mr. Hatchwaj-, who delighted in superintending the first essays of his genius. A« the gout had taken up its residence in Mr. Trun- nion's great toe, from whence it never removed, no, not for a day, little Peny took great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm member ; and when his imcle, incensed by the pain, used to damn him for a hegotten brat, he would appease him in a twinkling by returning the curse with equal emphasis, and asking what was the matter with old Hannibal Tough / an appellation by which the lieutenant had taught him to dis- tinguish this grim commander. Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of the commodore, with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms, even while he was fondled on his knee ; in one month he iiut him to the expense of two guineas in seal- skin, by picking his pocket of divers tobacco- pouches, all of which ne in secret committed to the llames. Nor did the caprice of his disposition abstain from the favourite beverage of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole draught in which his brother's snuff-box had been emptied, before he discovered the disagreeable infusion; and one day, when the commodore had chastised him by a gentle tap with his cane, he fell flat on the floor, as if he had been deprived of all sense and motion, to the teiTor and amazement of the striker ; and, after having filled the whole house with confusion and dismay, opened his eyes and laughed heartily at the success of his OAvn im- position. It would be an endless, and perhaps no very agreeable task, to enumerate all the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others, be- fore he attained the fourth year of his age ; about which time he was sent, with an attendant, to a day-school in the neighbourhood, that, to use his good mother's own expression, he might he out of harm's way. Here, however, he made little progress, except in mischief, which he practised with impunity, because the school- mistress would run no risk of disobliging a lady of fortune, by exercising unnecessary severities upon her only child. Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle was not so blindly partial as to be pleased with such imseasonable indulgence. Perry was taken out of the hands of this courteous teacher, and committed to the instruction of a pedagogue, who was ordered to administer such correction as the boy should, in his opinion, deserve. This autho- rity he did not neglect to use ; his pupil was regularly flogged twice a day ; and after having been subjected to this course of discipline for the space of eighteen months, declared the most ol)- stinate, dull, and untoward genius that ever had fallen imder his cultivation ; instead of being re- formed he seemed rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations, and was de;ul to all sense of fear as well as shame. His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of stupi- dity, which .she considered as an inheritance de- rived from the spirit of his father, and con- seiiuently unsurmountable by all the efforts of luuiian care. But the commodore rejoiced over the niggedness of his nature, and was particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he foiuid that Pen-y had beaten all the boys in the school ; a circuin- .stance from which he prognosticated everything that was fair and fortunate in his future fate ; observing that at his age he himself was just such THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 217 another. The boy, wlio was now turned of six, having profited so little under the birch of his unsparing governor, Mrs. Pickle was counselled to send him to a boarding-school not fur from London, which was kept by a certain person very eminent for his successful method of education. This advice she the more readily embraced, be- cause at that time she found herself pretty far gone with another child, that she hoped would console her for the disappointment she had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry, or at any rate divide her concern, so as to enable her to endure the absence of either. CHAPTER XII. Peregrine is sent to a Boarding School — Becomes remarkable for his Genius and Ambition. The commodore understanding her determina- tion, to which her husband did not venture to make the least objection, interested himself so much in behalf of his favourite, as to fit him out at his owm charge, and accompany him in person to the place of his destination ; where he defrayed the expense of his entrance, and left him to the particular care and inspection of the usher, who having been reconamended to him as a person of parts and integrity, received per advance a hand- some consideration for the task he undertook. Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality ; the assistant was actually a man of leaiToing, probity, and good sense ; and, though obliged by the scandalous administration of for- tune to act in the character of an inferior teacher, had, by his sole capacity and application, brought the school to that degree of reputation which it never could have obtained from the talents of his superior. He had established an economy which, though regular, was not at all severe, by enacting a body of laAvs suited to the age and comprehen- sion of every individual ; and each transgressor was fairly tried by his peers, and punished ac- cording to the verdict of the jury. No boy was scourged for want of apprehension, but a spirit of emulation was raised by well-timed praise and artful comparison, and maintained by a distribu- tion of small prizes, which were adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by their indus- try, sobriety, or genius. This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry, according to his constant maxim, by examining the soil, — that is, studying his temper, in order to consult the bias of his disposition, which was strangely perverted by the absurd discipline he had undergone. He found him in a state of sullen insensibility, which the child had gradually contracted in a long course of stupefying con-ection ; and at first he was not in the least actuated by that commenda- tion which animated the rest of his school-fellows, nor was it in the power of reproach to excite his ambition, which had been buried, as it were, in the grave of disgrace ; the usher, therefore, had re- course to contemptuous neglect, with which he affected to treat this stubborn spuit, foreseeing that if he retained any seeds of sentiment this weather would infallibly raise them into vegeta- tion. His judgment was justified by the event ; the boy in a little time began to make observa- tions ; he perceived the marks of distinction with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the despicable figure he himself made among his companions, who, far from courting, rather shunned his conversation, and actually pined at his o^vn want of importance. Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his morti- fication, which he suffered to proceed .as far as possible, without endangering his health. The child lost all relish for diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive, solitary, and was frequently foimd weeping l)y himself. These symptoms plainly evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his governor thought it now high time to make application ; and therefore, by little and little, altered his behaviour from the indifference he had put on to the appearance of more regard and attention. This produced a favourable change in the l)oy, whose eyes sparkled with satisfaction one day when his master expressed himself vnih a show of surprise in these words : " So, Perry ! I find you don't want genius when you think proper to use it." Such encomiums kindled the spirit of emulation in his little breast ; he exerted himself %vith surprising alacrity, by which he soon acquitted himself of the imputation of dulness, and obtained sundiy honoraiy silver pennies as acknowledgments of his application. His school-fellows now solicited his friendship as eagerly as they had avoided it before ; and in less than a twelvemonth after his anival, this supposed dunce was remarkable for the bright- ness of his parts, having in that short period learnt to read English perfectly well, made great progi-ess in writing, enabled liimself to speak the French language without hesitation, and acquii-ed some knowledge in the rudiments of the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to transmit an account of his proficiency to the commodore, who received it with transport, and forthwith com- municated the happy tidings to the parents. Mr. Gamaliel Piclde, who was never subject to violent emotions, heard them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction, that scarce manifested itself either in his countenance or erpressims ; nor did the child's mother break forth into that rapture and admiration which might have been expected, when she understood how mu h the talents of her first-born had exceeded the hope of her wannest imagination. Not but that she professed herself well pleased with Periy's repu- tation ; though she observed that, in these com- mendations, the truth was always exaggerated by schoolmasters for their own interest ; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not mingled more probability with his praise. Tnm- nion was offended at her indifference and want of faith ; and, believing that she refined too much in her discernment, swore that Jennings had de- clared the tnith, and nothing but the truth, for he himself had prophesied from the beginning that the boy woiild turn out a credit to his family. But by this time Jlrs. Pickle was blessed with a. daughter, whom she had brought into the world about six months before the intelligence arrived, so that her care and affection being otherwise engrossed, the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The abatement of her fond- ness was an advantage to liis education, which would have been retarded, and perhaps mined, by pernicious indiilgence and preposterous inter- position, had her love considered him as an only child ; whereas, her concern being now diverted to another object, that shared at least one-half of her affection, he was left to the management of his preceptor, who tutored him according to his own plan, without any let or interruption. In- deed, all his sagacity and cu'cumspection were but barely sufiicient to keep the young gentle- man in order ; for, now that he had won the palm of victory from his rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole 2lS THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. sohool by the valour of his arm. Before he could bring his project to bear, innumerable battles were fought, with various success ; every er- sonate the man in whose favour it was feigned to be writ. He accordingly one moniing arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours at least be- fore Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, to understand that he had a letter for his master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no sooner communicated, than the indignant chief, who had been waked for the pur- pose, began to curse the messenger for breaking iiis rest, and swore he would not budge till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him he had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had been raised from the grave to re- ceive them. This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations of his spouse, which never failed to influence his con- duct. He therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance, and, WTapping himself in his morning-gown, was supported down-staire, rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling all the way. , As soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made divers awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect ac- costed him in these words : " Your most humblo servant, most noble commodore ! I hope you are in good health ? you look pure and hearty ; and, if it was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would not desire to see a more pleasant counte- nance in a summer's day. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you to be on this side of threescore. Laud help us ! I should have kno'WTi you to be a Trunnion, if I had met with you in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is." The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such an impertinent pre- amble, interrupted him in this place, saying, with a peevish accent, " Pshaw ! pshaw ! brother, there's no occasion to bowse out so much im- necessary giim ; if you can't bring your discourse to bear on the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue, and bring your- self up, d' ye see. I was told you had something to deliver." "Deliver!" cried the waggish im- postor ; " odds heart ! I have got something for you that will make your very entrails rejoice within your body. Here 's a letter from a dear anil worthy friend of yours. Take, read it, and be happy. Blessings on his old heart ; one would think he had renewed his age like the eagles." Trunnion's expectation being thus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his ej'e, took the letter, and, being curious to know the subscription, no sooner perceived his uncle's name, than he started back, his lip quivered, and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise ; nevertheless, eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before troubled him with any sort of address, ho endeavoured to recollect himself, and perused the contents, which were these : — " Loving Nephew, — I doubt not but you will be re- joiced to hear of my welfare ; and well you may, con- siderinR what a kind unele I have been to you in the days of your youth, and how little you deserved any such thing ; for you was always a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company, whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been for my care iu sending you out of mischiefs way. Hut (his is not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy Trickle, is a distant rclatiou of yours, being tlic son of the cousin' of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as to worldly matters, lie thinks of going to London, to see for some post in the excise or customs, if so be that you will recommend liim to some great man of your ac- THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 223 quaintancc, and give him a small matter to Ijci-p liim till he is provided. I doubt not, nephew, but you will bo glad to servo him, if it was no more but for the respect you bear to me, who am,— Loving Nephew, your alTectionate uncle, and servant to command, " ToBiAU Tkunnion." It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to exhibit the ludicrous expres- sion of the commodore's countenance, while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonish- ment, a convulsion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge, but an association of all three, that took possession of his features. At length he hawked up, with incredible straining, the interjection An ! that seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe, and thus gave vent to his indigna- tion : "Have I come alongside of you at last, you old stinking curmiidgeon ! you lie, you lousy hulk, you lie ; you did all in your power to founder me when I was a stripling ; and, as for being graceless, and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a damn'd lie again, you thief ; there was not a more peaceable lad in the coimty, and I kept no bad company but your own, d' ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse ; that I tear his letter into rags, so ; and that I trample upon it as I would tipon his own villanous car- cass, d'ye see." So saying, he danced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he had scattered about the room, to the inex- pressible satisfaction of the triumvirate, who beheld the scene. The exciseman, having got between him and the door, which was left open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion and sur- prise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification, "Lord be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your o^vn relations, and the recommendation of your best friend ? Surely all gratitude and virtue has left this sinful Avorld ! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin, and her daughters, cousins Sue, and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolk, say, when they hear of this unconscion- able reception that I have met with ? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the sin of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely observes ; and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, which wUl lay a heavy load of guilt upon your poor miserable soul." "What, you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye ? " said Trunnion, interrupting him; "we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of a bitch, belay him to the whipping-post in the yard. I'll teach you to rowce me in the morning with such impertinent messages." Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamed of, laid hold of htm in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant gestures, which the boat- swain's mate would by no means iinderstand ; so that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance, which was like to end so tragically, and stood fastened to the stake, in a very disagreeable state of suspense, casting many a rueful look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-and-nine-tails, in ex- pectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear. Tom, retm-ning with the instrument of correction, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and whisper- ing in his ear that he was very sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge about his head, and, witli admirable dexterity, made such a smarting appli- cation to the offender's back and shoulders, that the distracted ganger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. At length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck. Hatchway, who had pur- posely absented himself hitherto, appeared in the yard, and, interposing in his behalf, prevailed tipon Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor to be released. The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened to be revenged iipon his employers, by making a candid confession of the whole plot ; but the lieutenant giving him to tmderstand, that, in so doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, and imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss, and sneaked out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses discharged upon him. by the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance and disappointment he had undergone. CHAPTEK XV. The Commodore detects the Machinatioiis of the Conspirators, and hires a Tutor for Pererjrine, whom he settles at Winchester School. This was not the least affliction he suffered from the imwearied endeavours and inexhausted in- vention of his tormentors, who harassed him with such a variety of mischievous pranks, that he began to think all the devils in hell had con- spired against his peace ; and accordingly became very serious and contemiDlative on the subject. In the course of his meditations, when he re- collected and compared the circiunstances of every mortification to which he had been lately exposed, he could not help suspecting that some of them must have been contrived to vex him ; and, as he was not ignorant of his lieutenant's disposition, nor unacquainted with the talents of Peregrine, he resolved to observe them both for the future with the utmost care and circumspec- tion. This resolution, aided by the incautious conduct of the conspirators, whom, by this time, success had rendered heedless and indiscreet, was attended with the desired effect. He in a little time detected Perry in a new plot, and, by dint of a little chastisement, and a great many threats, extorted from him a confession of all the con- trivances in which he had been concerned. The commodore was thunderstnick at the discovery, and so much incensed against Hatchway for the part he had acted in the whole, that he delibe- rated with himself whether he should demand satisfaction with sword and pistol, or dismiss him from the garrison, and renoimce all friend- ship with him at once. But he had been so long accustomed to Jack's company, that he could not live without him ; and, upon more cool reflection, perceiving that what he had done was rather the effect of wantonness than malice, which he him- self would have laughed to see take place upon any other person, he determined to devour his chagrin, and extend his forgiveness even to Pipes, whom, in the first sally of his passion, he nad looked upon in a more crindnal light than that of a simple mutineer. This determination was seconded by another, which he thought absolutely necessary for his own repose, and in which his own interest and that of his nephew concurretL 224 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. Peregrine, wlio was now turned of twelve, had made such advances under the instruction of Jennings, that he often disputed upon grammar, and was sometimes thouglit to liave the better in his contests w ith the parish priest, who, notwith- standing this acknowledged superiority of his antagonist, did great justice to his genius, whieli he assured Mr. Trunnion would be lost for want of cuUivatii , if the boy was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at some proper semi- nary of learning. This maxim had been more than once incul- cated upon the commodore by Mrs. Trunnion, who, over and above the deference she paid to the parson's opinion, had a reason of her own for wishing to see the house clear of Peregrine, at whose prying disposition she began to be very uneasy. Induced by these motives, which were joined by the solicitation of the youth himself, who ardently longed to see a little more of the world, his imcle determined to send him forth- with to Winchester, imder the immediate care and inspection of a governor, to whom he allowed a very handsome appointment for that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was Mr. Jacob Jolter, had been schoolfellow witli the parson of the parish, who recommended him to Mrs. Tnmnion as a person of great worth and learn- ing, iu every respect qualified for the office of a tutor. He ILkewse added, by way of eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary piety, and par- ticularly zealous for the honour of the church of which he was a member, having heen many years in holy orders, though he did not then exercise any function of the priesthood. Indeed, Mr. Jol- ter's zeal was so exceedingly fervent, as on some occasions to get the better of his discretion ; for, being a high churchman, and of consequence a malcontent, his resentment was habituated into an unsurmou:itable prejudice against the present disposition of affairs, which, by confounding the nation with the ministry, sometimae led him into erroneous, not to say absurd calculations ; other- wise a man of good morals, well versed iu mathe- matics and school divinity, studies which had not at all contributed to sweeten and unbend the natural sourness and severity of his complexion. This gentleman being destined to t'le charge of superintending Perry's education, everything was prepai-ed for their departure ; and Tom Pipes, in consequence of his own petition, put into livery, and appointed footman to the young squire. But, before they set out, the commodore paid the compliment of communicating his design to Mr. Pickle, who approved of the plan, though he durst not venture to see the boy ; so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of his wife, whose aversion to her first-born became every day more inveterate and unaccountable. This unnatural caprice seemed to be supported by a consideration which, one woald imagine, might have rather vanquished her disgust. Her second son Gam, who was now in the fourth year of his age, had been rickety from the cradle, and as re- markably unpromising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in his person. As the deformity increased, the mother's fondness was augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the other son seemed to prevail in the same proportion. Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child, she would not suffer him to approach his father's house, expressed uneasiness whenever his name happened to be mentioned, sickened at his praise, and in all respects be- haved like a most rancorous stepmother. Though she no longer retained that ridiculous notion of his being an impostor, she still continued to abhor him, as if she really believed him to be such ; and when any person desired to know the cau.se of her surprising dislike, she always lost her temper, and peevishly replied, that she had rea- sons of her own, which she was not obliged to declare ; nay, so much was she infected by this vicious partiality, that she broke off all commerce with her sister-in-law and tlie commodore, because they favoured the poor child with their counte- nance and protection. Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and generosity of Trunnion, who, having adopted him as his own son, equipped him accord- ingly, and carried him and his governor in his own coach to the place of destination, where they were settled on a very genteel footing, and everything regulated according to their desires. Mrs. Trunnion behaved wit^ great decency at the departure of her nephew, to whom, with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave with submission and reverence towards his tutor, she presented a diamond ring of small value, and a gold medal, as tokens of her affec- tion and esteem. As for the lieutenant, he accom- ])anied them in the coach ; and such was the friendship he had contracted for Perry, that, when the commodore proposed to return, after having accomplished the intent of his journey, Jack absolutely refused to attend him, and signi- fied his resolution to stay where he was. Trunnion was the more startled at this declara- tion, as Hatchway was become so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life, that he foresaw he should not be able to exist without his company. Not a little affected with this consideration, lie turned his eye ruefully upon tlie lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone, " What ! leave me at last. Jack, after we have weathered so manj' hard gales together ? Damn my limbs ! I thought you had been more of an honest heart. I looked upon you as my foremast, and Tom Pipes as my mizen ; now he is carried away ; if so be as you go too, my standing rigging being decayed, d' ye see, the iirst squall will bring me by the board. Damn ye, if in case I have given offence, can't you speak above board and I shall make you amends." Jack being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts, after some hesitation, answered with jierplexity and incoherence, "No, damme 1 that an't the case neither ; to be sure you always used me in an officer-like manner, that I must own, to give the devil his due, as the saying is ; but for all that, this here is the case, I have some thoughts of going to school myself, to learn your Latin lingo; for, as the saying is. Better late jncnd than never. And I am informed as how one can get more for the money here than anj'Avhere else." In vain did Tmnnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of going to school at his years, by representing that the boys would make game of him, and that he would become a laughing- stock to all the world ; he persisted in his resolu- tion to stay, and the commodore was fain to have recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who employed their intluence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him to return to the garrison, after Trunnion had j^romised he should 1)0 at liberty to visit them once a'month. This stipulation being settled, he and his friend took leave of the pujiil, governor, and attendant, and next morning set out for their habitation, wliich they reached in safety that same night. Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Pere- giine, that he is said, for the first time in his life, to have looked misty at parting : certain, I THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 221 am, that, on the road homewards, after a long pause of silence, which the commodore never dreamed of interrupting, he exclaimed all of a sudden, " I '11 bo damn'd if the dog ha'n't given me some stuff to make me love him." Indeed there was something congenial in the disposition of these two friends, which never failed to mani- fest itself in the sequel, howsoever different their education, circiunstances, and connexions hap- pened to be. CHAPTER XVI. Peregrine distinguishes himself among his School- fellows, exposes his Tutor, and attracts the particular Notice of the Master. Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Pere- grine was in a little time a distinguished cha- racter, not only for his acuteness of apprehension, but also for that mischievous fertility of fancy, of which we have already given such pregnant examples. But, as there was a great number of such luminaries in this new sphere to which he belonged, his talents were not so conspicuous, while they shone in his single capacity, as they afterwards appeared, when they concentred and reflected the rays of the whole constellation. At first he confined himself to piddling game, •exercising his genius upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention, by endeavouring to sea- son his mind with certain political maxims, the fallacy of which he had discernment enough to perceive. Scarce a day passed in which he did not find means to render Mr. Jolter the object of ridicule ; his violent prejudices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity, and ignorance of mankind, afforded continual food for the raillery, petulance, and satire of his pupil, who never neglected an opportunity of laughing, and making others laugh, at his expense. Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine, he decoyed this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his caution forsook him, and he exposed himself to the censure of the company. Sometimes when the conversation turned upon intricate subjects, he practised upon him the Socratic method of confutation, and, under pretence of being informed, by an artful train of puzzling questions, insensibly betrayed him into self-contradiction. All the remains of authority which he had hitherto preserved over Peregrine soon vanished ; so that, for the future, no sort of ceremony sub- sisted between them ; and all Mr. Jolter's pre- cepts were conveyed in hints of friendly advice, which the other might either follow or neglect at his o\vn pleasure. No wonder, then, that Peregrine gave a loose to his inclinations, and, by dint of genius, and an enterprising temper, made a figure among the younger class of heroes in the school. Before he had been a full year at Winchester, lie had signalized himself in so many achievements in defiance to the laws and regulations of the place, that he was looked upon with admiration, and actually chosen Dux, or leader, by a large body of his cotemporaries. It was not long before his fame reached the ears of the master, who sent for Mr. Jolter, communicated to him the informations he had received, and desired him to check the vivacity of his charge, and re- double his vigilance in time to come, else he should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil for the benefit of the school. The governor, conscious of his own unimport- ance, was not a little disconcerted at this injunc- tion, which it was not in his power to full'il by any compulsive means. He therefore went home in a very pensive mood, and, after mature de- liberation, resolved to expostulate with Peregrine in the most familiar terms, and endeavour to dissuade him from practices which might affect his character as well as interest. He accordingly frankly told him the subject of the master's dis- course, represented the disgi-ace he might incur by neglecting this warning, and, putting him in mind of his own situation, hinted the conse- quences of the commodore's displeasure, in case he should be brought to disapprove of liis con- duct. These insinuations made the gi-eater im- pression, as they were delivered with manv expressions of friendship and concern. Tlie young gentleman was not so raw but that lie could perceive the solidity of Mr. Jolter's advice, to which he promised to confonn, because his pride was interested in the affair ; and he con- sidered his own reformation as the only means of avoiding that infamy which, even in idea, h« could not bear. His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by these moments of reflection ; and, in order to prevent a relapse, proposed that he should engage in some delightful study that would agreeably amuse his imagination, and gradually detach him from those connexions which had involved him in so many troublesome adventures. For this purpose, he, with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the mathematics, as yielding more rational and sensible pleasures to a youthful fancy than any other subject of contemplation, and actually began to read Euclid with him that same afternoon. Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth of application which boys commonly yield on the first cliange of study; but he had scarce advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum when his ardour abated ; the test of truth by demonstration did not elevate him to those transports of joy with which his preceptor had regaled his expectation ; and before he arrived at the fortieth-and-seventli proposition, he began to yawn drearily, make abundance of wry faces, and thought himself but indifferently paid for his attention, when he shaved the vast discovery of Pythagoras, and understood that tlie square of the hypotenuse was equal to the squares of the other two sides of a right-angled triangle . He was ashamed, however, to fail in his undertaking, and persevered with great industry, until he had finished the first four books, acquired plane tri- gonometry, with the method of algebraical cal- culation, and made himself well acquauited with the principles of surveying ; but no consideration could prevail upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science, and he returned with double relish to his former avocations, like a stream, which, being dammed, accumulates more force, and, bursting over its mounds, rushes down with double impetuosity. Mr. Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin, but could not resist, the torrent. His behaviour was now no other than a series of license and effrontery ; prank succeeded prank, and outrage followed outrage, with surprising velocity. Com- plaints were every day preferred against him ; in vain were admonitions bestowed by the governor in private, and menaces discharged by the masters in public ; he disregarded the first, despised the latter, divested himself of all manner of restraint, and proceeded in his career to such a pitch of audacity, that a consultation was held upon the 226 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. Bubject, in which it was detennined that this untoward spirit should be liiunbled by a se\ere and ignominious llogRiii^ f"r ^^he very next iitVoncu he should commit. In the meantime, Mr. Jolter waa desired to write, in tlie master's name, to Ihc commodore, requesting him to remove Tom Pipes from the person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a principal actor and abettor in all his malversations ; and to ])ut a stop to the monthly visitations of the mutilated lieutenant, who had never once failed to use his permission, but came punctual to a day, always fraught with some new invention. Indeed, by this time, Mr. Hatchway was as well known, and much better beloved by every boy in the school, than the master who in- structed him, and always received by a number of scholars, who used to attend Peregrine when lie went forth to meet his friend, and conduct him to Jiis lodging with public testimonies of joy and applause. As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the attendant of Peregrine, as master of the revels to the whole school. He mingled in all their parties, and superintended their diversions, de- ciding between boy and boy, as if he acted by commission under the great seal. He regulated their motions by his whistle, instructed the young boys in the games of hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing ; imparted to those of a more ad- vanced age the sciences of cribbage and all-fours, together with the method of storming the castle, acting the comedy of Prince Arthur, and other pantomimes, as they are commonly exhibited at sea ; and instructed the seniors, who were distinguished by the appellation of bloods, in cudgel-playing, dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking flip, and smoking tobacco. These quali- fications had rendered him so necessary and acceptable to the scholars, tliat, exclusive of Perry's concern in the affair, his dismission, in all probability, would have produced some dan- gerous convulsion in the community. Jolter, tiierefore, knowing his importance, informed his pupil of the directions he had received, and very candidly asked how he should demean himself in the execution ; for he durst not write to the commodore without this previous notice, fearing that the young gentleman, as soon as he should get an inkluig of the afl'air, wouhl f lUow the example, and make his uncle acquainted with certain anecdotes, which it was the governor's interest to keep concealed. Peregrine was of opinion that he should spare himself the trouble of conveying any complaints to the commodore, and if questioned by the master, assure him he had complied with his desire ; at the same time he promised faithfully to conduct himself with such circumspection for the futiire, that the mas- ters should have no temptation to revive the in- quiry. But the resolution attending this extorted promise was too frail to last, and in less than a fortnight our young hero found himself entangled in an adventure, from which he was not extri- cated with his usual good fortune. CHAPTER XVII, He is concerned in a danrierous Adventure with a certain Gardener— Sublimes his Ideas, com- mences Oalla»t, and becomes acquainted with Miss Emily Gauntlet. He and some of his companions one dajr entered a garden in the suburbs, and having indulged their appetites, desired to know what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they had pulled. The gardener demanded what, in their opinion, w;i3 an exorbitant price ; and they, with many opprobrious terms, refused to pay it. The pea- sant being surly and untractablc, insisted upon his right ; neither was he deficient or sparing iu the eloquence of vulgar abuse. Hia guests at- tempted to retre.at ; a scuffle ensued, in which Peregrine lost his cap ; and the gardener, being in danger from the number of his foes, called to his wife to let loose the dog, who instantly flew to his master's assistance, and after having tore the leg of one and the shoulder of another, puc the whole body of the scholars to flight. En- raged at the indignity which had been off'ered them, they solicited a reinforcement of their friends, and, with Tom Pipes at their heatl, marched back to the field of battle. Their ad- versary, seeing them approach, called his appren- tice, who worked at the other end of the ground, to his assistance, armed him with a mattock, while he himself wielded a hoe, bolted his door on the inside, and, flanked with his man and mastiff, waited the attack without flinching. He had not remained three minutes in this postui-o of defence when Pipes, who acted as the enemy's forlorn hope, advanced to the gate with great intrepidity, and, clapping his foot to the door, which was none of the stoutest, with the execution and despatch of a petard, split it into a thousand pieces. Tliis sudden execution had an immediate effect upon the 'prentice, who retreated with great precipitation, and escaped at a postern. But the master placed himself like another Her- cules in the breach ; and when Pipes, brandisli- ing his ciidgel, stepped forward to engage him, levelled his weapon Asith such force and dexterity at his head, that, had the skull been made of penetrable stuff, the iron edge must have cleft his Ijate in twain. Casemated as he was, the in- strument cut sheer even to the bone, on which it stnick with such amazing violence that sparks of real fire were produced by the collision. And let not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of this phenomenon, until he shall have first perused the ingenious Peter Kolben's Natui-al History of the Cape of Good Hope, where the inhabitants commonly use to strike fire with the shin-bones of lions, which have been killed in that part of Africa. Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being disabled by the blow, in a trice retorted the compliment -with his truncheon ; which, had not his antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside, would have laid him breathless across his own threshold ; but, happily for him, he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly from his tingling hand. Tom perceiv- ing, and being unwilling to foi-ego the advantage he hud gained, darted his head into the bosom of this son of earth, and overturned him on the plain, being himself that instant assaulted by the mastilf, who fastened u]ion the outside of his thigh. Feeling himself incommoded by this as- sailant in his rear, he quitted the prostrate gar- dener to the resentment of his associates, who poured upon him in shoals, and, turning about, laid hold with both his hands of this ferocious animal's throat, which he squeezed with such in- credible force and perseverance, that the creature quitted his hold, Jiis tongue lolled out of liis jaws, the lilood started from his eyes, .ami he "swung a lifeless trvink between the hamls of his vanquisher. It was well for his master that lie did not longer exist ! for by this time he was overwhelmed THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. ty such a multitude of foes that his wliole body scarce afforded points of contact to all the lists that di'umiued upon it, consequently, to use a vulgar phrase, his wind was almost knocked out before Pipes had leisure to interpose in his be- half, and persuade liis offenders to desist, by representing that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and that in all probability tliey ■would be intercepted in their return. They accordingly listened to his remonstnmces, and marched homewards in tiiumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces of his mother earth, from which he had not power to move when he was found by his disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for his assistance. Among these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took cognizance of his carcass, every limb of which having examined, he declared there was no bone broke, and, taking out his fleam, blooded him plentifully as he lay. He was then conveyed to his bed, from wliicli lie was not able to stir during a whole month. His family coming upon the parish, a formal com- plaint was made to the master of the school, and Peregrine represented as the ringleader of those who committed this barbarous assault. An in- quiry was immediately set on foot, and the articles of impeachment being fully proved, our hero was sentenced to be severely chastised in the face of the whole school. This was a dis- grace the thoughts of which his proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make his elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was doomed ; and having signified his sentiments to his confederates, they promised, one and all, to stand by him, and either screen him from the chastisement or share his fate. Confiding in this friendly protestation, he ap- peared unconcerned on the day that was appointed for his punishment ; and, when he was called to his destiny, advanced towards the scene, at- tended by the greatest part of the scholars, who intimated their determination to the master, and proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior behaved with that dignity of de- meanour which became his place, represented the folly and presumption of their demand, re- prehended them for their audacious proceeding, and ordered every boy to his respective station. They obeyed his command, and our imfortunate hero was publicly horsed, in tcrrorevi of all whom it might concern. This disgi'ace had a very sensible effect upon the mind of Peregrine, who having by this time passed the fourteenth year of his age, began to adopt the pride and sentiments of a man. Thus dishonourably stigmatized, he was ashamed to appear in public as usual ; he was incensed against his companions for their infidelity and irresolution, and plunged into a profound reverie that lasted several weeks, during which he shook oft' his boyish connexions, and fixed his view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his attention. In the course of his gymnastic exercises, at whicb he was very expert, he contracted in- timacies with several youths who were greatly his superiors in point of age, and who, pleased with his aspiring genius and address, introduced him into parties of gallantry which strongly cap- tivated his inclination. He was by natiu'e par- ticularly adapted for succeeding in adventures of this kind ; over and above a most engaging person, that improved with his years, he pos- sessed a dignified assurance, an agreeable ferocity which enhanced the conquest of the fair who had the good fortune to enslave him, imlimited gene- rosity, and a fund of humour which never failed to please. Nor was he deficient in the more solid accomplishments of youth ; he had profited in his studies beyond expectation, and besides that sensibility of discernment which is the foundation of taste, and in consequence of wliich he distinguished and enjoyed the beauties of the classics, he had already given several specimens of a very promising poetic talent. With this comiilexion and these qualifications, no wonder that our hero attracted the notice and atlections of the young Delias in town, whose hearts had just begim to flutter for they knew not what. Inquiries were made concerning Ms con- dition ; and no sooner were his expectation.s known than he was invited and caressed by all the parents, while their daughters vied with each other in treating him with particular compla- cency. He inspired love and emulation wherever he appeared ; envy and jealous rage followed, of coiu-se, so that he became a very desirable though , a very dangerous acquaintance. His moderation was not equal to his success ; his vanity took the lead of his passions, dissipating his attention, which might otherwise have fixed him to one object ; and he was possessed mth. the rage of increasing the number of his conquests. With this view he frequented public walks, concerts, and assemblies, became remarkably rich and fashionable in his clothes, gave entertainments to tlie ladies, and was in the utmost hazard of turning out a most egregious coxcomb. While his character thus wavered between tlie ridicule of some and the regard of others, an accident happened which, by contracting his view to one object, detached him from those vain pursuits that would in time have plunged him into an abyss of folly and contempt. Being one evening at the ball which is always given to the ladies at the time of the races, the person who acted as master of the ceremonies, knowing how fond Mr. Pickle was of every opportimity to dis- play himself, came up and told him that there was a fine young creature at the other end of the room who seemed to have a great inclination to dance a mumet, but wanted a partner, the gentle- man who attended her being in boots. Peregrine's vanity being aroused at this inti- mation, he went up to reconnoitre the yoimg lady, and was struck with admiration at "her beauty. She seemed to be of his o\\ti age, was tall, and, though slender, exquisitely shaped ; her hair was auburn, and in such plenty, that the bar- barity of dress had not been able to prevent it from shading both sides of her forehead which was high and polished ; the contour of her fiice was oval, her nose very little raised in the aquiline form, that contributed to the spii'it and dignity of her aspect ; her mouth was small, her lips plump, juicy, and delicious, her teeth regular and white as driven snow, her complexion in- credibly delicate and glowing with health, and her full blue eyes beamed forth vivacity and love. Her mien was at the same time commanding and engaging, her address perfectly genteel, and her whole appearance so captivating, that our young Adonis looked, and was overcome. He no sooner recollected himself from his as- tonishment than he advanced to her with a grace- ful air of respect, and begged she would do him the ;houour to walk a minuet with him. She seemed particularly pleased with his application, and very frankly complied with his request. The pair was too remaiicable to escape the par- ticular notice of the company ; Mr. Pickle was well known by almost everybody in the room, but his partner was altogether a new face, and 228 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. of consequence nnderwent the criticism of all the ladies in the assembly. One whispered, "She has a good complexion, but don't you think she is a little awry?" a second pitied her for her masculine nose ; a third observed that she was awkward for want of seeinR company ; a fourth distinpuished something very bold in her coun- tenance ; and, in short, there was not a beauty in her whole composition which the glass of envy did not per\-ert into a blemish. The men, however, looked upon her with dif- ferent eyes : among them her appearance pro- duced an universal murmur of applause ; they encircled the space on which she danced, and were enchanted by her graceful motion. While they launched out in the praise of her, they ex- pressed their displeasure at the good fortune of her partner, whom they damn'd for a little finical coxcomb, that was too much engrossed by the contemplation of his own person to discern or deserve the favour of his fate. He did not hear, therefore could not repine at these invectives ; but while they imagined he indulged his vanity, a much more generous passion had taken pos- session of his heart. Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been distinguished in his public appear- ance, he now gave manifest signs of confusion and concern ; he danced with an anxiety which im- peded his performance, and blushed to tlie eyes at every false step he made. Though this extra- ordinary agitation was overlooked by the men, it could not escape the observation of the ladies, who perceived it with equal surprise and resent- ment ; and when Peregrine led this fair unknown to her seat, expressed their pique in an affected titter, which broke from every mouth at the same instant, as if all of them had been informed by the same spirit. Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of disapprobation, and, in order to increase their chagrin, endeavoured to enter into particular conversation with their fair rival. The young lady herself, who neither wanted penetration nor the consciousness of her own accomplish- ments, resented their behaviour, though she ti'iumphed at the cause of it, and gave her part- ner all the encouragement he could desire. Her mother, who was present, thanked him for liis civility in taking such notice of a stranger, and he received a compliment of the same nature from the young gentleman in boots, who was her own brother. If he was charmed with her appearance, he was ■quite ravished with her discourse, which was sen- sible, spirited, and gay. Her frank and sprightly demeanour excited his own confidence and good humour ; and he described to her the characters of those females who had honoured them with such a spiteful mark of distinction, in terms so replete with humorous satire, that she seemed to listen with particular complacency of attention, and distinguished every njinph thus ridiculed with such a significant glance as overwhelmed her ■with chagrin and mortification. In short, they seemed to relish each other's conversation, during which our young Damon acquitted liimself with ereat skill in all the duties of gallantry ; he laid hold of proper opportunities to express his admi- ration of her charms, had recourse to the silent rhetoric of tender looks, breathed divers insiilious sighs, and attached himself wholly to her during the remaining part of the entertainment. When the company bi*ke up, he attended her to her lodgings, and took leave of her Avith a squeeze of the hand, after having obtained per- mission to visit her next morning, and been in- formed by the mother that her name was Miss Emilia Gauntlet. All night long he closed not an eye, but amused himself with plans of pleasure, which his imagi- nation suggested, in consequence of this new acquaintance. He rose with the lark, adjusted his hair into an agreeable negligence of curl, and, dressing himself in a genteel prey frock, trimmed with silver binding, waited with the utmost im- patience for the hour of ten, which no sooner struck than he hied him to the place of appoint- ment, and, inquiring for Miss Gauntlet, was shown into a parlour. Here he had not waited above ten minutes when Emilia entered in a most enchanting undress, with all the graces of nature playing about her person, and in a moment riveted the chains of his slavery beyond the power of accident to unbind. Her mother being still abed, and her brother gone to give orders about the chaise, in which they proposed to return that same day to their own habitation, he enjoyed her company tile-d- tile a whole hour, during which he declared his love in the most passionate terms, and begged that he might be admitted into the number of those admirers whom she permitted to visit and adore her. She affected to look upon his vows and protes- tations as the ordinary effects of gallantly, and very obligingly assured him that, were she to live in that place, she should be glad to see him often ; but as the spot on which she resided was at a considerable distance, she could not expect he would go so far upon such a trifling occasion, as to take the trouble of providing himself with her mamma's permission. To this favourable hint he answered with all the eagerness of the most fervid passion, that he had uttered nothing but the genuine dictates of his heart ; that he desired nothing so much as an opportunitj' of evincing the sincerity of his pro- fessions, and that, though she lived at the ex- tremity of the kingdom, he would find means to lay himself at her feet, provided he could visit her with her mother's consent, which he assured her he would not fail to solicit. She then gave him to miderstand that her habi- tation was about sixteen miles from Winchester, in a village which she named, and where, as he could easily collect from her discourse, he would be no imwelcome guest. In the midst of this communication they were joined by Mrs. Gauntlet, who received him with great courtesy, thanking him again for his polite- ness to Emy at the ball, and anticipated his in- tentions by saying that she should be very glad to see him at her house, if ever his occasions should call him that way. CHAPTER XVIII. lie iivjuires into tJie Situation of this Young Lady, "with whom he is enamoured — Elopes froni School — Is found by the Lieutenant, conveyed to Wincficster, and sends a Letter with a Copy of Verses to his Mistress. He was transported with pleasure at this invita- tion, which he assured her ne should not neglect ; and, after a little more conversation on general topics, took his leave of the charming Emilia and liiT j)rudent mamma, who had perceived the first emotions of Mr. Pickle's passion for her daughter, anrl been at some pains to inquire about his family and fortune. THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 229 Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the situation and pedigree of his new mistress, who, he learned, was the only daughter of a licld- ofKcer, who died before he had it in liis power to make suitable provision for his children ; that the widow lived in a frugal, though decent manner, on her pension, assisted by the bounty of her re- lations ; that the son carried arms as a volunteer in the company which his father had commanded ; and that Emilia had been educated in London, at the expense of a rich uncle, who was seized with the whim of marrying at the age of fifty-live, in consequence of which his niece had returned to her mother, without any visible dependence, ex- cept on her own conduct and qualifications. This account, though it could not diminish his affection, nevertheless alai'ined his pride, for his warm imagination had exaggerated all his own prospects ; and he began to fear that his passion for Emilia might be thought to derogate from the dignity of his situation. The struggle between his interest and love produced a perplexity which had an evident effect upon his behaviour ; he became pensive, solitary, and peevish, avoided all public diversions, and grew so remarkably negligent in his dress that he was scarce distin- guishable by his o^vn acquaintance. This con- tention of thoughts continued several weeks, at the end of which the charms of Emilia triumphed over every other consideration. Having received a supply of money from the commodore, who acted towards him with great generosity, he ordered Pipes to piit up some linen, and other necessaries, in a sort of knapsack which he could conveniently carry, and, thus attended, set out early one morning on foot for the village where his charmer lived, at which he aiTived before two o'clock in the afternoon, having chosen this method of travelling, that his route might not be so easily discovered, as it must have been had he hired horses, or taken a place in the stage-coach. The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging at the inn where he dined ; then he shifted himself, and, according to the direction he had received, went to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet in a transport of joyous expectation. As he ap- proached the gate, his agitation increased, he knocked with impatience and concern, the door opened, and he had actually asked if Mrs. Gauntlet was at home, before he perceived that the por- tress was no other than his dear Emilia. She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight of her lover, who instantly recognising his charmer, obeyed the irresistible impulse of his love, and caught the fair creature in his arms. Nor did she seemoff"ended at this forwardness of behaviour, which might have displeased another of a less open disposition, or less used to the freedom of a sensible education ; but lier natural frankness had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar intercourse in which she had been bred ; and therefore, instead of reprimanding him with a severity of look, she with great good humour rallied him upon his assurance, which, she observed, was undoubtedly the effect of his own conscious merit, and conducted him into a parlour, where he found her mother, who in very polite terms expressed her satisfaction at seeing him within her house. After tea. Miss Emy proposed an evening walk, which they enjoyed through a variety of little copses and lawns, watered by a most romantic stream, that quite enchanted the imagination of Peregrine. It was late before they returned from this agreeable excursion, and when our lover wished the ladies good night,. Mrs. Gauntlet insisted upon his staying to supper, and treated him with par- ticular demonstrations of regard and allection. As her economy was not encumbered with an un- necessary number of domestics, her own presence was often required in different pai-ts of the house, so that the young gentleman was supplied with frequent opportunities of promoting his suit, by all the tender oaths and insinuations tliat his passion could suggest. He protested her idea had taken such entire possession of his lieart that, finding himself unable to support her absence one day longer, he had quitted his studies, and left his governor by stealth, that he might visit the object of his adoration, and be blessed in her company for a few days without interruption. Slie listened to his adtlresses with such affability as denoted approbation and delight, and gently chid him as a thoughtless truant, but carefully avoided the confession of a mutual flame, because she discerned, in the midst of all his tenderness, a levity of pride which she durst not venture to trust with such a declaration. Perhaps she was confirmed in this caution by her mother, who very wisely, in her civilities to him, maintained a sort of ceremonious distance, whicli she thought not only reqiiisite for the honour and interest of her family, but likewise for her own exculpation, should she ever be taxed with having encouraged or abetted him in the imprudent sallies of his youth. Yet, notwithstanding this affected re- serve, he was treated with such distinction by both, that he was ravished with his situation, and became more and more enamoured every day. While he remauied imder the influence of this sweet intoxication, his absence jn-oduced great disturbance at Winchester. Mr. Jolter was grievously afflicted at his abrupt departure, which alarmed him the more, as it happened after a long fit of melancholy which he had per- ceived in his pupil. He communicated his appre hensions to the master of the school, who advised him to apprize the commodore of his nephew's disappearance, and in the meantime inquire at all the inns in town, whether he had hired horses, or any sort of carriage, for his conveyance, or was met with on the road by any person who could give an account of the direction in which he travelled. This scnitiny, though perfonned with great diligence and minuteness, was altogether ineffec- tual ; they could obtain no intelligence of the ninaway. Mr. Trunnion was well-nigh distracted at the news of his flight ; he raved with great fury at the imprudence of Peregrine, whom, in his first transports, he damned as an ungrateful deserter ; then he cursed Hatchway and Pipes, who he swore had foundered the lad by tlieir per- nicious coiinsels ; and, lastly, transferred his exe- crations upon Jolter, because he had not kept a better look-out ; finally, he made an apostrophe to that son of a bitch the gout, which for the present disabled him from searching for his nephew in person. That he might not, however, neglect any means in his power, he immediately despatched expresses to all the seaport towns on that coast, that he might be prevented from leav- ing the kingdom ; and the lieutenant, at his own desire, was sent across the country in quest of this young fugitive. Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his inquiries with great accuracy, when, resolving to return by Winchester, wliere he hoped to meet with some hints of intelligence, by which he might profit in his future search, he struck off tho common road, to take the benefit of a nearer cut, and, finding himself benighted near a village, took up his lodgings at the fii'st inn to which his horse 230 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. directed him. Having bespoke sometliing for supper, and retired to liis chamber, wliero he amused himself yr\.\\\ a pipe, he lieard a confused noise of rustic jollity, which being all of a sudden interrupted, after a short pause his ear was saluted with the voice of Pipes, who, at the solicitation of the company, began to entertain them with a Bone. Hatchway instantly recognised the well-known sound, in which indeed he could not possibly be mistaken, as nothing in nature bore the least reseraVihince to it ; he threw his pipe into the chimney, and, snatching up one of his pistols, ran immediately to the apartment from whence the voice issued ; ho no sooner entered than, dis- tinguishing his old shipmate in a crowd of countiy peasants, he in a moment sprung upon him, and, clapping his pistol to his breast, ex- claimed, " Damn you, Pipes, you arc a dead man, if you don't immediately produce young master." Tins menacing application had a much gre.iter eflfect upon the company than upon Tom, who, looking at the lieutenant with great tranquillity, replied, "Why, so I can, Mr. Hatchway." " What ! safe and sound ?" cried the other. " As a roach," answered Pipes, so much to the satis- faction of his friend Jack, that he shook him by the hand, and desired him to proceed with his song. This being performed, and the reckoning discharged, the two friends adjourned to the other room, where tlie lieutenant was informed of the manner in which the young gentleman h.ad made his elopement from college, as w«ll as of the other particulars of his present situation, as far as they had fallen within the sphere of the re- lator's comprehension. While they sat thus conferring together, Pere- grine, having taken leave of his mistress for the night, came home, and was not a little surprised when Hatchway, entering his chamber in a sea attitude, thrust out his hand by way of salutation. His old pupil received him, as usual, with great cordiality, and expressed liis astonishment at meeting him in that place ; but when he under- stood the cause and intention of his arrival, he started ■with concern, and, his visage glowing ■nith indignation, told him he was old enough to be judge of his own conduct, and, when he should see it convenient, would return of himself ; but those who thought he was to be compelled to his duty would find themselves egregiously mistaken. The lieutenant assured him, that, for his o\\'n part, he had no intention to offer him the least violence ; but at the same time he represented to him the danger of incensing the commodore, who was already almost distracted on account of his absence ; and, in short, conveyed his arguments, which were equally obvious and valid, in such expressions of friendship and respect, that Pere- grine yielded to liis remonstranees, and promised to accompany him next day to Winchester. Hatchway, overjoyed at the success of his ne- gotiation, went immediately to the hostler, and bespoke a post-chaise ior Mr. Pickle and his man, with whom he afterwards indulged himself in a double can of rumbo, and when tlic night was pretty far advanced, left the lover to his repose, or rather to the thorns of his ovvn meditation ; for he slept not one moment, bein^ incessantly tortured with the prospect of parting from his divine Emilia, who had now acquired the most absolute empire over his soul. One minute he proposed to depart early in the morning, without seeing his enchantress, in whose bewitchingpre- sence he durst not trust his ovra. resolution. Then the thoughts of leaving her in such an abnipt and disrespectful manner interposed in favour of his love and honour. Tliis war of sentiments kept him all night upon the rack, and it was time to rise before he had determined to visit his charmer, and candidly impart the motives that induced him to leave her. He accordingly repaired to her mother's house with a heavy heart, being attended to the gate by Hatchway, who did not choose to leave nirn aione ; and, being admitted, foimd Emilia just risen, and, in his opinion, more beautiful than ever. Alarmed at his early visit, and the gloom that overspread his countenance, she stood in sUent expectation of hearing some meLincholy tidings ; and it was not till after a considerable pause that he collected resolution enough to tell her he was come to take his leave. Though she strove to con«eal her sorrow, nature was not to bo sup- jiressed ; every feature of her countenance sad- dened in a moment, and it was not without the utmost difficulty that she kept her lovely eyes from overflowing. He saw the situation of her thoughts, and, in order to alleviate her concern, assured her he should find means to see her again in a very few ■weeks. Meanwhile he communi- cated his reasons for departing, in ■which she readily acquiesced ; and having mutually con- soled each other, their transports of grief sub- sided, and before Mrs. Gauntlet came dovvn-stairs, they were in a condition to behave ■U'ith great decency and resignation. This good lady expressed her concern when she learned his resolution, saying, she hoped his occasions and inclination would permit him to favour them with Ids agreeable company another time. The lieutenant, ■who began to be uneasy at Peregrine's stay, knocked at the door, and being introduced by his friend, had the honour of breakfasting ■«'ith the ladies ; on which occasion his heart received such a rude shock from the charms of Emilia, that he aftenvards made a merit with his friend of having constrained him- self so far as to forbear commencing his pro- fessed rival. At length they bade adieu to their kind enter- tainers, and, in less th.an an hour, settin^out from the inn, arrived about two o'clock in Win- chester, where Mr. Jolter was overwhelmed •with joy at their appearance. The nature of this adventure being imloiown to all except those who could be depended upon, everj-body who inquired about the cause of Pere- grine's absence, was told that he had been ■with a relation in the countrj', and the m.oster con- descended to overlook his indiscretion ; so that Hatchway, seeing everj-thing settled to the satis- faction of his friend, returned to the garrison, and gave the commodore an account of his ex- pedition. The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard there was a lady in the c-ase, and very emphatically observed, that a man had belter be sucked into the Gulf of Florida, than once get into the indraught of a woman ; be- cause, in one case, he may with good pilotage bring out his vessel safe between the Bahamas and the Indian shore ; but in the other there is no outlet at all, and it is in vain to strive against the current ; so that, of course, he must bo em- bayed, and run chuck upon a lee-shore. He resolved, therefore, to lay the state of the case before Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, and concert such measures with him as should be thought likeliest to detach his .son from the pursuit of an idle amour, which could not fail of interfering in a dangerous manner with the i)lan of his education. THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 231 pairing with Lis employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of an hour produced a morsel of elo- quence so much to the satisfaction of PipeK, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment and doubled his allowance of boer. This being discussed, our courier betook himself to the house of Mrs. Gaiintlet, with the haunch of venison and this succedaneous letter, and delivered his mes- sage to the mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind inquiries about the health and welfare of his master, attempting to tip the messenger a crown, ■which he absolutely refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle's repeated caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant, in order to give directions about the disposal of the present. Pipes looked upon this as a favourable occasion to transact his business witli Emilia, and therefore shutting one eye, with a jork of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and a most significant twist of his countenance, he beckoned the young lady into another room, as if he had been fraught with something of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the hint, howsoever strangely com- municated, and, by stepping to one side of the room, gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand, which he gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard ; then, throw- ing a side glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clapped his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending secrecy and discretion. Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling at Tom's politeness and dexterity ; but lest her mamma should detect him in the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this intercourse of signs, by asking aloud when he proposed to set out on his return to Winches- ter. When he answered, " To-morrow morn- ing," Mrs. Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman, desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young heroine, impatient to read her lover's billet, which made her heart throb with raptur- ous expectation, retired to her chamber as soon as possible, -vvith a view of perusing the contents, wMch were these : — "Di\nNE Empress of my Soul,— If the refulgent flames of your beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity, perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a grey goose quill ! But ah ! celestial enchantress ! the nec- romancy of thy tjTannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt, I miist eternally remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe, there- fore, O thou brightest luminaiy of tliis terrestrial sphere ! to warm as well as shine ; and let the genial rays of thy benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath frozen up the spirits of angelic pre- eminence ! — Thy most egregious admirer and superla- tive slave. Peregrine Pickle." Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia, when she read this curious com- position, which she repeated verbatim three times, before she would credit the evidence of her o^vn senses. She began to fear in good earn- est that love had produced a disorder in her lover's understanding ; but after a thousand con- jectures, by which she attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian of style, she concluded that it was the effect of mere levity, calculated to ridicule the passion he had formerly professed. Imtated by this supposition, she resolved to balk his triumph with affected indifference, and in the In the meantime, Perry's ideas were totally engrossed by his amiable mistress, who, whether he slept or waked, was still present in his ima- gination, which produced the following stanzas in her praise : — " Adieu, ye streams that smoothly flow. Ye vernal airs that softly blow, Te plains by blooming spring array'd, Te birds that warbls through the shade. Unlmrt from you my soul could fly, Nor drop one tear, nor lieave one sigh : But forced from Celia's charms to part, AU joy deserts my drooping heart. O ! fairer than the rosy mom. When flowers the dewy tields adorn ; Unsullied as the genial ray That warms the balmy breeze of May, Thy charms divinely bright appear, And add new splendour to the year ; Improve the day with fresh delight. And gild with joy the dreaiy night ! " This juvenile production was enclosed in a very tender billet to Emilia, and committed to the charge of Pipes, who was ordered to set out for Mrs. Gauntlet's habitation with a present of venison, and a compliment to the ladies ; and dii'ected to take some opportunity of delivering the letter to Miss, without the knowledge of her mamma. CHAPTER XIX. His Messenger meets vrith a Misfortune, to which he applies a very extraordinary Ecrjpedient that is attended with strange Consequences. As a stage-coach passed within two mUes of the village where she lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and accordingly de- parted on this message, though he was but in- differently qualified for commissions of such a nature. Having received particular injunctions about the letter, he resolved to make that the chief object of his c^re, and very sagaciously conveyed it between his stocking and the sole of his foot, where he thought it would be perfectly secure from all injury and accident. Here it re- mained rmtil he arrived at the inn where he had formerly lodged, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught of beer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied ^vith dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at this pheno- menon, he uttered a long and loud wheio ! which was succeeded by an exclamation of " Damn my old shoes ! a bite, by God !" Then he rested his elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in that attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying this misfortune. As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas, he soon concluded that his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish, who he knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according to the directions he should give him ; and never dreaming that the mangled ori- ginal would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wisely committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in judgment against him. Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to whom he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way of gratification. The clerk, who was also school- master, proud of an opportunity to distmguish his talents, readily undertook the task ; and re- 232 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. meantime endeavour to expel liim from that place •which ho possessed within her heart. And in- deed, such a victory over her inclinations might have been obt^iined without great difficulty ; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could ac- commodate itself to the emergencies of her fate ; and her vivacity, by amusing her imagination, preserved her from the keener sensations of sor- row. Thus determined and disposed, she did not send any sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who was suffered to de- part witli a general compliment from the mother, and arrived at Winchester the next day. Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his mes- senger come in, and he stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particular mark of his Emilia's .affection ; but how was he con- founded when he found his liope so cruelly dis- appointed ! In an instant his countenance fell. He stood for some time silent and abashed, then thrice repeated the interrogation of " What ! not one word from Emilia?" And, dubious of his courier's discretion, inquired minutely into all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had seen the young lady ; if she was in good health ; if he had found an opportunity of de- livering his letter, and how .she looked when he put it into her hand ? Pipes answered that he had never seen her in better liealtl or higher spirits ; that lie had managed matters so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to ask her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told him that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he considered as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips with resentment. Upon further reflection, however, he supposed that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and would undoubtedlyfavour him by the post. This consideration consoled him for the present, and he waited impatiently for the fruits of his hope ; but after he had seen eight days elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had flat- tered himself, his temper forsook him, he raved against the whole sex, and was seized with a fit of sullen chagrin ; but his pride in a little time came to his assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy fiend. He re- solved to retort her own neglect upon his \m- grateful mistress ; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity ; and though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, he appeared again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and unconcern, that Emilia might have a cliance of hearing how much, in all likelihood, he disregarded her disdain. There" are never wanting certain officious per- sons who take pleasure in promoting intelli- gence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived from his letter ; 80 that she fortified herself in her former senti- ments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy. Thus a correspondence which had commenced with all the tenderness and sincerity of love, iind every promise of duration, was in- terrupted in its infancy by a misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity of Pipes, who never once reflected upon the consequences of his deceit. Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the present, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret, thou^'h even to themselves unknown, \mtil an occasion, which afterwards ofren^d, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire in their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of each other's attraction, the common dore, fearing that Perry was in danger of in- volving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved, by advice of Mr. Jolter and liis frieaa the parish priest, to recall him from the place where he had contracted such imprudent con- nexions, and send him to the university, where his education might be completed, and his fancy weaned from all puerile amusements. This plan had been proposed to his owu father, wlio, as hath been already observed, stood always neuter in everything that con- cerned his eldest son ; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heanl his name mentioned since his departure, with any degree of temper or tranquillity, except when her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of being ruined by this indiscreet amour. It was then she began to applaud her own foresight, which had discerned the mark of reprobation in that vicious boy, and launched out in comparison between him and Gammy, who, she observed, was a child of un- common p.arts and solidity, and, with the bless- ing of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament to the family. Should I affirm that this favourite, whom she commended so much, was in every respect the reverse of what she described ; that he was a boy of mean capacity, and, though remarkably distorted in his body, much more crooked in his disposition ; and that she had persuaded her husband to espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense, as well as to his o%vn perception ; I am afraid the reader will think \ represent a monster that never existed in nature, and be apt to condemn the economy of my in- vention ; nevertheless, there is nothing more true than every circumstance of what 1 have ad- vanced ; and I wish the picture, singiilar as it is, may not be thought to resemble more thaa cue original. CHAPTER XX. Peregrine is summoned to attend his Uncle— Is more and more hated by his oron Mother — AjJlJeals to his Father, whose Condescension, is defeated by the Dominion of his ^Vife. But, waving these reflections, let us return to Peregrine, who received a summons to attend his- uncle, and in a few days arrived with ilr. Jolter and Pipes at the garrison, which he filled with joy and satisfaction. The alteration wliich, dur- ing his absence, had happened in his person,, was very favourable in ^lis appearance, which, from that of a comely boy, was converted into that of a most engaging youth. He was already taller than a middle-sized man, his shape ascer- tained, his sinews well knit, his mien greatly im- proved, and his whole figure as elegant and grace- ful as if it had been cast in the same mould with, the Apollo of Belvidere. Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing, peojile in his favour. The commodore, notwith- standing the advantageous reports he li.id heard, found his expectation exceeded in the person of Peregrine, and signified his approbation in the most sanguine terms. Mrs. Trunnion was struck with his genteel address, and received him with uncommon marks of complacency and affection ; he was caressed by all the people in the neigh- bourhood, who, while they admired his accom- plishments, could not help pitying his infatuated THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 233 mother, for being deprived of that unutterable delight which any other parent would have en- joyed in the contemplation of such an amiable son. Divers efforts were made by some well-dis- posed people to conquer, if possible, this mon- strous prejudice ; but their endeavours, instead of curing, served only to inflame the distemper, and she never could be prevailed upon to indulge him with the least mark of maternal regard. On the contrary, her original disgust degenerated into such inveteracy of hatred, that she left no stone unturned to alienate the commodore's affec- tion for this her innocent child, and even prac- tised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her purpose. Every day did she abuse her hus- band's ear with some forged instance of Pere- grine's ingratitude to his uncle, well knowing that it would reach the commodore's knowledge at night. AccoKlingly Mr. Pickle used to tell him at the club, that his hopeful favourite had ridiculed him in such a company, and aspersed his spouse upon another occasion ; and thus retail the little scandalous issue of his own wife's invention. Luckily for Peregrine, the commodore paid no great regard to the authority of his informer, because he knew from what channel his intelli- gence flowed ; besides, the youth had a staunch friend in Mr. Hatchway, who never failed to vindicate him when he was thus unjustly ac- cused, and always found argument enough to confute the assertions of his enemies. But, though Trunnion had been dubious of the young gentleman's principles, and deaf to the remon- strances of the lieutenant. Perry Avas provided with a bulwark strong enough to defend him from all such assaults. This was no otlier than his aunt, whose regard for him was perceived to increase in the same proportion as his own mother's diminished ; and indeed the augmenta- tion of the one was, in all probabilitj'', owing to the decrease of the other ; for the two ladies, with great civility, performed all the duties of good neighbourhood, and hated each other most piously in their hearts. Mrs. Pickle having been disobliged at the splendour of her sister's new equipage, had, ever since that time, in the course of her visiting, en- deavoured to make people merry with satirical jokes on the poor lady's infirmities ; and Mrs. Trunnion seized the very first ojiportunity of making reprisals, by inveighing against her un- natural behaviour to her own child ; so that Peregrine, as on the one hand he was abhorred, so on the other was he caressed, in consequence of this contention ; and I firmly believe that the most effectual method of destroying his interest at the garrison, would have been the show of countenancing him at his father's house ; but, whether this conjecture be reasonable or chimeri- cal, certain it is the experiment was never tried, and therefore Mr. Peregrine ran no risk of being disgraced. The commodore, who assumed, and justly too, the whole merit of his education, was now as proud of the youth's improvements, as if he had actually been his own offspring ; and sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of enthusiasm, that he verily believed him to be the issue of his own loins. Notwithstanding this favourable predicament in which our hero stood ■with his aunt and her husband, he could not help feeling the injury he suffered from the caprice of his mother ; and though the gaiety of his disposition hindered him from afflicting him- self with reflections of any gloomy cast, he did not fail to foresee that, if any sudden accident should deprive him of the commodore, ho would in all likelihood find himself in a very disagree- able situation. Prompted by this consideration, ho one evening accompanied his \mclo to the club, and was introduced to his father, before that worthy gentleman had the least inkling of his arrival. Mr. Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this rencounter. His own disposition would not suffer him to do anything that might create the least disturbance, or interrupt his evening's eu- joyment ; so strongly was he impressed with tho terror of his wife, that he durst not yield to the tranquillity of his temper ; and, as I have already observed, his inclination was perfectly neutral. Tims distracted between diflercnt motives, when Perry was presented to him, he sat silent and absorbed, as if he did not, or would not, perceiva the application ; and when he was urged to de- clare himself by the youth, who pathetically begged to know how he had incurred his dis- pleasure, he answered in a peevish strain, " Why, good now, child, what would you have me to do? your mother can't abide you." — " If my mother is so unkind, I will not call it unnatural," said Peregrine, the tears of indignation starting from his eyes, " as to banish me from her presenca and affection, without the least cause assigned, I hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse her barbarous prejudice." Before Mr. Pickle had time to reply to this expostulation, for which he was not at all prepared, the commodore inter- posed, and enforced his favourite's remonstrance, by telling Mr. Gamaliel that he was ashamed to see any man drive in such a miserable manner under his wife's petticoat. "As for my own part," said he, raising his voice, and assuming a look of importance and command, "before I would suffer myself to be steered all weathers by any woman in Christendom, d' j'e see, I 'd raise such a hurricane about her ears, that — " here he was interrupted by Mr. Hatchway, who, thrusting his head towards the door, in the atti- tude of one that listens, cried, "Ahey ! there's your spouse come to pay us a visit." Trunnion's features that instant adopted a new disposition. Fear and confusion took possession of his coun- tenance ; his voice, from a tone of vociferation, sunk into a whisper of " Sure you must be mis- taken, Jack ; " and in great perplexity he wiped off the sweat which had started on his forehead at this false alarm. The lieutenant having thus punished him for the rodomontade he had uttered, told him with an arch sneer, that he was deceived with the sound of the outward door creaking upon its hinges, which he mistook for Mrs. Trunnion's voice, and desired him to proceed with his admonitions to Mr. Pickle. It is not to be denied that this aiTogance was a little im- seasonable in the commodore, who was in all re- spects as effectually subdued to the dominion of his wife, as tlie person whose submission he then ventured to condemn, with this ditt'erence of dis- position — Trunnion's subjection was like that of a bear, chequered with fits of surliness and rage ; whereas Pickle bore the yoke like an ox, without repining. No wonder then that this indolence, this sluggishness, this stagnation of temper, rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding the arguments and importunity of his friends, to which he at length surrendered. He acquiesced in the justice of their observations, and, taking his son by the hand, promised to favour him for the future with his love and fatherly protection. But this laudable resolution did not last. Mrs. Pickle, still dubious of his constancy, and jealous of his communication with the commodore, never 534 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. failed to interrogate him every night about the conversation that happened at the chib, and rc- gnlate her exhortations according to the intelli- gence she received. He was no sooner, therefore, safely conveyed to bed, that academy in which all notable wives communicate their dectures, than her catechism began ; and she in a moment perceived something reluctant and equivocal in her husband's answers. Aroused at this dis- covery, she employed her influence and skill with such success, that he disclosed every cir- cumstance of what had happened ; and. after having sustained a most severe rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion, humbled himself so far as to promise that he would next day annul the condescensions he had made, and for ever renounce the ungracious object of her disgust. This undertaking was punctually performed in a letter to the commodore, which she herself dictated in these words : — " Sir,— Wliereas my good-nature being last night imposed upon, I was persuaded to countenance and promise, I know not what, to that vicious youth, whose parent I have the misfortune to be ; I desire you will take notice that I revoke all such counte- nance and promises, and shall never look upon that man as my friend, who will lienccforth in such a cause solicit, — Sir, yours, etc., "Gam. Pickle." CHAPTER XXI. Trunnion is enraged at the Conduct of PicJde — Peregrine resents the Injustice of his Mother, to whom he explains his Sentiments in a Letter — Is entered at the University of Oxford, where he signalizes himself as a Youth of an entcr- 2)rising Genius. Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion was incensed by this absurd re- nunciation. He tore the letter with his gums — teeth he had none — spit with furious giimaces, in token of the contempt he entert.iined for the author, whom he not only damned as a lousj', scabby, nasty, scun^y, skulking, lubberly noodle, but resolved to challenge to single combat with fire and sword ; but he was dissuaded from this violent measure, and appeased by the inten'en- tiou and advice of the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who represented the message as tlie effect of the poor man's infirmity, for which he was rather an object of pity than of resentment ; and turned the stream of his indignation against the wife, M'hom he reviled accordingly. Nor did Peregrine him- self bear with patience this injurious declaration, the nature of which he no sooner understood from Hatchway, than, equally'shocked and exasperated, he retired to his apartment, and, in the first emotions of his ire, produced the following epistle, which was immediately conveyed to his mother : — " Madam,— Had nature formed me a bugbear to the flight, and inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was detestable, perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of your affection and applause ; seeing you have persecuted me with such imnatnral aversion, for no other visible reason than tliat of my differing so widely in shape, as well as disposition, from that deformed urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If those be the terms on which alone 1 can obtain yotir favour, I pray God yon may never cease to hate, madam, — Tour much injured son, " Peiiegbine Pickle." Tliis letter, which nothing but his passion a!id inexperience could excuse, had such an efl'ect upon his mother, as may be easily conceived. She was enraged to a degree of frenzy against the writer ; though at the same time she considered the whole as the production of Mrs. Trunnion's particular pique, and represented it to her hus- band as an insult that he was bound in hon- our to resent, by breaking off all correspondence with the commodore and his family. This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who, through a long course of years, was so habituated to lYunnion's company, that he could as easily have parted ^^'ith a limb, as have relinquished the club all at once. He therefore ventured to represent his own in- capacity to follow her ad^•ice, and begged that he might at least be allowed to drop the connexion gradually ; protesting that he would do his endea- vour to give her all manner of satisf.iction. McanwhUe preparations were made for Pere- grine's departure to the university, and in a few weeks he set out, in the seventeenth year of his age, accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him at Winchester. His uncle laid strong injunctions upon him to avoiu]>il could less brook than any other severity it was in his po^s•e^ to exercise. Peregrine had been several mornings absent from chapel ; and as Mr. Jumble never failed to question liim in a very peremptory style about his non-.ittendance, he invented some very plau- sible e.vcuses ; but at length his ingenuity was exhausted ; he received a very galling rebuke for his profligacy of morals, and, tliat he miglit feel it tne more sensibly, was ordered, by way of exercise, to compose a paraphrase, in English verse, upon these two lines in Virgil : — " Vane Ligur, frustraqne animis olatc siipcrbis, Nequiequam patrias tent&sti lubricus artes." The imposition of this invidious theme had all the desired effect upon Peregrine, who not only considered it as a piece of unmannerly abuse levelled against his own conduct, but .also as a retrospective insult on the memory of his grand- father, who, as he had been informed, was in his lifetime more noted for his cunning than candour in trade. Exasperated at this instance of the pedant's audacity, he had well-nigh, in his first transports, taken coi"poral satisfaction on the spot ; but fore- seeing the troublesome consequence that would attend such a flagrant outrage against the laws of the university, "he checked liis indignation, and lesolved to revenge the injury in a more cool and contemptuous manner. Thus determined, he set on foot an inquiry into the particulars of Jumble's ])arentage and education. He learned that the father of this insolent tutor was a bricklayer, that his mother sold pies, and that the son, at different periods of his youth, had amused him- self in both occupations, before he converted his views to the study of learning. Fraught with this intelligence, he composed the following bal- lad in doggerel rhj-mes, and next day presented it as a gloss upon the text which the tutor had chosen : — Come, listen ye students of ev'ry degree, 1 sing of a wit and a tutor jicrdie ; A statesman profound, a critic immense, In short, a mere .jumble of learning and sense ; And yet of his talents, though laudably vain, His own family arts he could never attain. His father intending his fortune to build, In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield. But the mortar of discipline never would stick. For his skull was secured by a facing of brick ; And with all his endeavours of patience and jiain, 'Xhe skill of his sire he could never attain. His mother, an housewife, neat, artful, and wise, Renown'd for her delicate biscuit and pies. Boon alter'd his studies, by flatt'ring his taste, From the raising of walls to the roaring of paste ! But all her instructions were fruitless and vain, The pie-making myst'ry he ne'er could attain. Tet true to his race, in liis labours were seen A jumble of both their professions, I ween ; For, when his own genius he ventured to trust, His pies secm'd of brick, and his houses of crust Then, good Mr. Tutor, pray be not so vain, Since your family arts you could never attain. This impudent production was the most effec- tual vengeance he could have taken on his tutor, wlio had all the supercilious arrogance and ridiculous i)ride of a low-boni pedant. Instead of overlooking this petulant piece of satire with that temper and decency of disdain that became & person of his gravity and station, he no sooner cast his eye over the performance, than the blood rushed into his countenance, which immediately after exhibited a ghastly ])ale colour. With a quivering lip he told his i)upil that he was an impertinent jackanapes, and he would take care that he should be expelled from the university, for having presumed to write and deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel. Peregrine an- swered with great resolution, that, when the f)rovocation he had received .should be known, ic was persuaded that he should be acquitted in the opinion of all impartial people ; and that he was ready to submit the whole to the decision of the master. This arbitration he proposed, because he knew the master and Jumlde were at variance ; and for that reason the tutor durst not venture to put the cause on such an issue. Nay, when this re- ference was mentioned. Jumble, who was natu- rally jealous, suspected that Peregrine had a promise of protection before he \indertook to commit such an outrageous insult ; and this notion had such an effect upon him, that he re- solved to devour his vexation, and wait for a more proper opportunity of gratifying his hate. Meanwhile copies of the ballad were distributed among the students, who sung it under the very nose of Mr. Jumble, to the tune of A cobbler there 7cas, etc., and the triumph of our hero was complete. Neither was his whole time devoted to the riotous extravagancies of youth. He enjoyed many lucid intervals ; during which ho contracted a more intimate acquaintance with the classics, applied himself to the reading of his- tory, improved his taste for painting and music, in which he made some progress ; and, above all things, cultivated the study of natural philosophy. It was generally after a course of close attention to some of these arts and sciences, that his dis- position broke out into those irregularities and wild sallies of a luxuriant imagination, for which he became so remarkable ; and he was perhaps the only young man in Oxford who, at the same time, maintained an intimate and friendly inter- course with the most unthinking, as well as with the most sedate students at the university. It is not to be supposed that a young man of Peregrine's vanity, inexperience, and profusion, could suit his expense to his allowance, liberal as it was ; for he was not one of those fortunate people who are born economists, and knew not the art of withholding his purse when he saw liis companion in difDculty. Thus naturally generous and expensive, he squandered away his money, and made a most splendid ajipearance upon the receipt of his quarterly appointment ; but long before the third month was elapsed, his finances were consumed ; and, as he could not stoop to ask an extraordinary supply, was too proud to borrow, and too haughty to run in debt with tradesmen, he devoted those periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies, and shone forth again at the revolution of quarter-day. In one of these irruptions, he and some of his companions went to Windsor, in order to see the royal apartments in the castle, whither they re- paired in the afternoon ; and, as Peregrine stood contemplating the picture of Hercules and Om- phale, one of his fellow-students whispered in liis ear, "Zounds, Pickle, there are two fine girls ! " He turned instantlj' about, and in one of them recognised his almost forgotten Emilia. Her appearance acted upon liis imagination like a spark of fire that falls among gunpowder ; that passion which had lain dormant for the space of two years flashed up in a moment, and he was seized with an universal trepidation. She per- ceived and partook of his emotion ; for their THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 237 souls, like unisons, vibrated with the same im- pulse. However, she called her pride and resent- ment to her aid, and found resolution enoui,'h to retire from such a dangerous scene. Alarmed at fter retreat, he recollected all his assurance, and, impelled by love, which he could no longer re- sist, followed her into the next room, wlicre, in the most disconcerted manner, he accosted her with "Your humble servant. Miss Gauntlet;" to which salutation she replied, with an affecta- tion of indifference that did not, however, con- ceal her agitation, "Your servant, sir;" and immediately extending her finger towards the picture of Duns Scotus, which is fixed over one of the doors, asked her companion in a giggling tone, if she did not think he looked like a con- juror. Peregrine, nettled into spirits by this reception, answered for the other lady, " that it was an easy matter to be a conjuror in those times, when the simplicity of the age assisted bis divination ; but were he, or Merlin himself, to rise from the dead now, when such deceit and dissimulation prevaO, they would not he able to earn their bread by the profession." "Oh! sir," said she, turning full upon him, " without doubt they would adopt new maxims ; 'tis no disparage- ment in this enlightened age for one to alter one's opinion." "No, sure, madam," replied the youth, -vvith some precipitation, "provided the change be for the better." "And, should it happen othen\4se," retorted the nymph, with a flirt of her fan, "inconstancy will never want countenance from the practice of mankind." "True, madam," resumed our hero, fixing his eyes upon her, "examples of levity are every- where to be met with." "0 Lord! sir," cried Emilia, tossing her head, "you'll scarce ever find a fop without it." By this time his com- panion, seeing him engaged with one of the ladies, entered into conversation \vith the other ; and, in order to favour his friend's gallantry, conducted her into the next apartment, on pre- tence of entertaining her with the sight of a re- markable piece of painting. Peregrine, lajing hold on this opportunity of being alone with the object of his love, assumed a most seducing tenderness of look, and, heaving a profoimd sigh, asked if she had utterly dis- carded him from her remembrance. Reddening at this pathetic question, which recalled the memory of the imagined slight he had put upon her, she answered in great confusion, "Sir, I believe I once had the pleasure of seeing you in a ball in Winchester." "Miss Emilia," said he, very gravely, "will you be so candid as to tell me what misbehaviour of mine you are pleased to punish, by restricting your remembrance to that single occasion ?" " Mr. Pickle," she replied in the same tone, "it is neither my province nor inclination to judge your conduct ; and therefore you misapply your question, when you ask such an explanation of me." " At least," resumed our lover, "give me the melancholy satisfaction to know for what offence of mine you refused to take the least notice of that letter which I had the honour to write from Winchester, by your o^ra express permission?" " Your letter," said Miss, with great vivacity, " neither required, nor, in my opinion, deserved an answer; and, to be free with you, Mr. Pickle, it was but a shallow artifice to rid yourself of a correspondence you had deigned to solicit." Peregrine, confounded at this repartee, rephed that, howsoever he might have failed in point of elegance or discretion, he was sure he had not been deficient in expressions of respect and devotion for those charms which it was his pride to adore. "As for the verses," said he, "I own they were unwortliy of tho tlieme, but I flattered myself that they would have merited your acceptance, though not your approbation, and been considered not so much tlie proof of my genius, as tlie "enuine effusion of my love." "Verses !" cried Emilia, with an air of astonishment, "what verses ? I really don't imderstand you." The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this exclamation, to which, after a long pause, he answered, " I begin to .suspect, and heartily wish it may appear, that we have misunderstood each other from the be- ginning. Pray, Miss Gaimtlet, did you not find a copy of verses enclosed in that unfortunate letter?" "Truly, sir," said tlie lady, " I am not so much of a connoisseur as to distinguish whether that facetious production, whicli you merrily style an unfortunate letter, was composed in verse or prose ; but, methinks, the jest is a little too stale to be brought upon the cai-pet again." So saying, she tripped away to her companion, and left her lover in a most tumultuous sus- pense. He now perceived that her neglect of his addresses, when he was at Winchester, must have been owng to some mystery which he could not comprehend. And she began to suspect, and to hope, that the letter which she received was spurious, though she could not conceive how that could possibly happen, as it had been delivered to her-by the hands of his o^vn servant. However, she resolved to leave the task of un- ravelling the affair to him, who, she knew, would infallibly exert himself for his o\ni as well as her satisfaction. She was not deceived in her opinion. He went up to her again at the staircase, and, as they were unprovided with a male attendant, in- sisted upon squiring the ladies to their lodgings. Emilia saw his drift, which was no other than to know where she lived ; and, though she approved of his contrivance, thought it was incumbent upon her, for the support of her own dignity, to decline the civility. She therefore thanked him for his polite offer, but would by no means con- sent to his giving himself such iinnecessary trouble, especially as they had a very little v.-ay to walk. He was not repulsed by this refusal, the nature of which he perfectly understood ; nor was she sorry to see him persevere in his de- termination. He therefore accompanied them in their return, and made divers efforts to speak with Emilia in particular. But she had a spice of the coquette in her disposition, and, being de- termined to whet his impatience, artfully baffled all his endeavours, by keeping her companion continually engaged in the conversation, which turned upon the venerable appearance and im- perial situation of the place. Thus tantalized, he lounged with them to the door of the house in which they lodged, when his mistress, per- ceiving by the countenance of her comrade, that she was on the point of desiring him to walk in, checked her intention with a frown ; then turning to Mr. Pickle, dropped lum a veiy formal curtsey, seized the other young lady by the arm, and saying, "Come, cousin Sophy," vanished in a, moment. CHAPTER XXni. After sundri/ unsuccessful Efforts, he finds means to come to an Explaruition with his Mistress ; and a Reconciliation ensues. Pebegrine, disconcerted at their sudden disap- pearance, stood for some minutes gaping in the 238 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. street, before he could get the better of his sur- prise ; and then deliberated with himself whether ne should demand immediate admittance to his mistress, or choose some other method of appli- cation. Piqued at her abrupt behaviour, though pleased with her spirit, he set his invention to work, in order to contrive some means of seeing her ; and, in a fit of musing, arrived at the inn, where he found his companions whom ho bad left at the Castle gate. They had already made inquiry about the ladies, in consequence of which he learnt that Miss Sophy was daughter of a gentleman in town, to whom his mistress was related ; that an intimate friendship subsisted between the two young ladies ; that Emilia had lived about a month with her cousin, and aj)- peared at the last assembly, where she was universally admired ; and that several youn^ gentlemen of fortime had since that time teased her with addresses. Our hero's ambition was flattered, and his pas- sion inflamed with this intelligence ; and he swore witliin himself, that he would not quit the spot untU he should have obtained an undisputed victory over all his rivals. That same evening he composed a most elo- quent epistle, in which he earnestly entreated that she would favour him with an opportunity of vindicating his conduct ; but she would neither receive his bulet, nor see his messenger. Balked in this effort, he enclosed it in a new cover, directed by another hand, and ordered Pipes to ride next morning to London, on purpose to deliver it at the post-oflice, that, coming by such conveyance, she might have no suspicion of the author, and open it before she should be aware of the deceit. Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this stratagem, and, in the afternoon of the fourth, ventured to hazard a formal visit, in quality of an old acquaintance. But here, too, ne failed in his attempt ; she was indisposed, and could not see company. These obstacles served only to increase his eagerness. He still adhered to his former resolution ; and his companions, under- standing his determination, left lum next day to his own inventions. Thus relinquished to his own ideas, he doubled his assiduity, and prac- tised every method his imagination could suggest in order to promote his plan. Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her door, that he might be able to give his master an account of her motions ; but she never went abroad except to visit in the neighbour- hood, and was always housed before Peregrine could be apprised of her appearance. He went to church with a view of attracting her notice, and humbled hie depoi-tment before her; but she was so mischievously devout as to look at nothing but her book, so that he was not favoured with one glance of regard. He frequented the coffee-house, and attempted to contract an ac- quaintance with Miss Sophy's father, who, he hoped, would invite him to his house ; but this expectation was also defeated. That prudent gentleman looked upon him as one of those for- ward fortune-hunters who go about the countrj' seeking whom they may devour, and warily dis- couraged all his advances. Chagrined by so many unsuccessful endeavours, he began to de- spair of accomplishing his aim ; and, as the last suggestion of his art, paid off his lodging, took horse at noon, and departed, in all appear- ance, for the place from whence he had come. He rode, how^ever, but a few miles, and in the dusk of the evening returned unseen, alighted at another inn, ordered Pipes to stay within doors, and, keeping himself incognito, employed another person as a sentinel upon Emilia. It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his ingenuitj'. Next day, in the afternoon, he was informed by his spy that the two young ladies were gone to walk in the park, whither he fol- lowed them on the instant, fully determined to come to an explanation with his mistress, even in presence of her friend, who might possibly be prevailed upon to interest herself in his behalf. When he saw them at such a distance that they could not return to town before he shoulil have an opportunity of putting his resolution iu practice, he mended his pace, and found means to appear before them so suddenly, that Emilia could not help expressing her surprise in a scream. Our lover putting on a mien of humi- lity and mortification, begged to know if her resentment was implacable ; and asked why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common privilege that every criminal enjoyed? "Dear Miss Sophy," said he, addressing himself to her companion, "give me leave to implore your in- tercession with your cousin ; I am sure you have humanity enough to espouse my cause, did you but know the justice of it ; and I flatter myself that, by your kind interposition, I may be able to rectify that fatal misunderstanding which hath made me wretched." " Sir," said Sophy, " you appear like a gentleman, and I doubt not but your behaviour has been always suitable to your appearance ; but you must excuse me irom undertaking any such office in behalf of a per- son whom I have not the honour to know." "Madam," answered Peregrine, "I hope Miss Emy will justify my pretensions to that cha- racter, notwithstanding the mystery of her dis- pleasure, which, upon my honour, I cannot for my soul explain." "Lord! Mr. Pickle," said Emilia, who had by this time recollected her- self, " I never questioned your gallantry and taste, but I am resolved that you never shall have cause to exercise your talents at my ex- pense ; so that you tease yourself and me to no purpose. Come, Sophy, let us walk home agam." "Good God, madam !" cried the lover with great emotion, " why will you distract me with such indifference ? Stay, dear Emilia ! I conjure you on my knees to stay and hear me. By all that is sacred ! I was not to blame ; you must have been imposed upon by some villain who envied my good fortune, and took some treacherous method to ruin my love." Miss Sophy, who possessed a large stock of good nature, and to whom her cousin had com- municated the cause of her reserve, seeing the young gentleman so much affected with that disdain which she knew to be feigned, laid hold on Emilia's sleeve, saying with a smile, "Not quite so fast, Emily ; I begin to perceive that tuis is a love-quarrel, and therefore there may be hopes of a reconciliation, for I suppose both parties are open to con%iction." " For my own part," cried Peregrine, with great eagerness, "I appeal to Miss Sophy's decision. But why do I say appeal ? Though I am conscious of having committed no offence, I am ready to submit to any penance, let it be ever so rigorous, that my fair enslaver herself shall impose, provided it will entitle me to her favour and forgiveness at last." Emily, well-nigh overcome by this declaration, told him that as she taxed him with no guilt, she expected no atonement ; and pressed her companion to return into town. But Sophy, who was too indulgent to her friend's real in- clination to comply with her request, observed that the gentleman seemed so reasonable in his THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 239 concessions, she began to think her cousin was in the wrong, and felt herself disposed to act as umpire in the dispute. Overjoyed at tois condescension, Mr. Pickle thanked her in the most rapturous terms, and, in the transport of his expectation, kissed the hand of his kind mediatrix ; a circumstance ■which had a remarkable effect on the counte- nance of Emilia, who did not seem to relish the warmth of his aclcnowledgment. After many supplications on one hand, and pressing remonstrances on the other, she yielded at length, and tui'ning to her lover, wliile her face was overspread with blushes, "Well, sir," said she, " supposing I were to put the diil'erence on that issue, how could you excuse the ridiculous letter which you scat to me from Winchester ? " This expostulation introduced a discussion of the whole aHiiir, in which all the circumstances were canvassed ; and Emilia still affirmed, with gi-eat heat, that the letter must have been calculated to afl'ront her, for she could not suppose the author was so weak as to design it for any other purpose. Peregrine, who still retained in his memory the substance of his unlucky epistle, as well as the verses which were enclosed, could recollect no particular expression which could have justly given the least umbrage ; and therefore, in the agonies of perplexity, begged that the whole might be submitted to the judgment of Miss Sophy, and faithfully promised to stand to her award. In short, this proposal was, with seeming re- luctance, embraced by Emilia, and an appoint- ment made to meet next day, in the same place, whither both parties were desired to come, pro- vided with their credentials, according to which definitive sentence would be pronounced. Our lover having succeeded thus far, over- whelmed Sophy with acknowledgments on account of her generous mediation, and in the course of their walk, which Emilia was now in no hurry to conclude, whispered a great many tender protestations in the ear of his mistress, who nevertheless contimied to act upon the reserve until her doubts should be more fully resolved. Mr. Pickle having found means to amuse them ill the fields till the twilight, was obliged to wish them good evening, after having obtained a solemn repetition of their promise to meet him at the appointed time and place ; and then re- treated to his apartment, where he spent the whole night in various conjectures on the subject of this letter, the Gordian knot of which he could by no means untie. One wliile he imagined that some wag had played a trick upon his messenger, in con- sequence of which Emilia had received a suppo- sititious letter ; but upon further reflection he could not conceive the practicability of any such deceit. Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his mistress, who perhaps had only made that an handle for discarding him, at the request of some favoured rival ; but his oiwa. integrity forbade him to harbour this mean suspicion, and there- fore he was again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity. Next day he waited on the rack of impatience for the hour of five in the afternoon, which no sooner struck than he ordered Pipes to attend him, in case there should be occasion for his evidence, and repaired to the place of ren- dezvous, where he had not tarried five minutes before the ladies appeared. Mutual compliments being passed, and the attendant stationed at a convenient distance. Peregrine persuaded them to sit down upon the grass, under the shade of a spreading oak, that they might be more at their ease ; wliile he stretched liimself at their feet, and desired that the paper on which his doom depended might be examined. It was accord- ingly put into the hands of his fair arbitress, who read it immediately with an audible voice. The first two words of it were no sooner pronounced than ho started with great emotion, and raised himself on his hand and knee, in which posture he listened to the rest of the sentence ; then si^rung upon his feet in the utmost astonishment, and glowing with resentment at the same time, exclaimed, "Holland the devil! what's all that? Sure, you make a jest of me, madam." " Pray, sir," said Sophy, " give me the heariu" for a few moments, and then urge what you shall think proper in your own defence." Having thu.s cautioned him, she proceeded ; but before .she had finished one-half of the performance, her gravity forsook her, and she was seized with a violent fit of laughter, in wliich neither of the lovers could help joining, notwithstanding the resentment which at that instant prevailed in the breasts of both. The judge, however, in a little time resumed her solemnity, and having read the remaining part of this curious epistle, all three continued staring at each other alternately for the space of half-a-minute, and then broke forth at the same instant into another paroxysm of mirth. From this unanimous convulsion, one would have thought that both parties were ex- tremely well pleased with the joke ; yet this was by no means the case. Emilia imagined that, notwithstanding hia affected surprise, her lover, in spite of himself, had renewed the laugh at her expense, and in so doing applauded his own unmannerly ridicule. This supposition could not fail of raising and reviving her indignation, while Peregrine highly resented the indignity with which he supposed himself treated, in her attempting to make him the dupe of such a gross and ludicrous artifice. This being the situation of their thoughts, their mirth was succeeded by a mutual gloominess of aspect ; and the judge, addressing herself to Mr. Piclvle, asked if he had anything to offer why sentence should not be pronounced ? " Madam," answered the culprit, " I am sorry to find my- self so low in the opinion of your cousin as to be thought capable of being deceived by such a shallow contrivance." "Nay, sir," said Emilia, "the contrivance is your own; and I cannot help admiring your confidence in imputing it to me." "Upon my honour, Miss Emily," re- sumed our hero, "you -svi-ong my imderstanding as well as my love, in accusing me of having wiitten such a silly impertinent performance, the very appearance and address of it is so imlike the letter which I did myself the honour to "wi-ite, that I dare say my man, even at this distance of time, will remember the difference." So saying, he extended his voice and beckoned, to Pipes, who immediately drew near. His mistress seemed to object to the evidence, by observing that, to be sure, Mr. Pipes had his cue ; when Peregrine, begging she would sjjare him the mortification of considering him in such a dishonourable light, desired his valet to examine the outside of the letter, and recollect if it was tlie same which he had delivered to Miss Gauntlet about two years ago. Pipes having taking a superficial view of it, pulled up his breeches, saying, " Mayhap it is, but we have made so many trips, and been in so many creeks and comers since that time, that I can't pretend to be certain ; for I neither keep journal nor log-book of our proceedings." Emilia, 240 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. commended him for his candour, at the same time darting a sarcastic look nt liis master, as if she thought he had tampyred with his servant's in- tegrity in vain ; and Peregrine l)cgan to rave ami to curse hie fate for having subjected him to such mean suspicion, attesting heaven and earth in the most earnest manner that, far from liaving composed and convi-yed that stupid production, he had never seen itjlu-fore, nor been privy to the least circumstance of the plan. Pipes, now for the first time, perceived the mischief which he had occasioned, and, moved ■with the transports of his master, for whom he liad a most inviolable attachment, frankly de- clared he was ready to make oath that Mr. Pickle had no hand in the letter which he de- livered. All three were amazed at this confc^s- sion, the meaning of which they could not com- prehend. Peregrine, after some pause, leaped ■upon Pipes, and seizing him by the throat, ex- claimed in an ecstasy of rage, " Rascal ! tell me this instant what became of the letter I intrustelan on which she acted, it cannot be supposed tliat she would con- descend to inquire into the state of liis thoughts, when she saw him thus affected ; but she, never- theless, imposed that task on her cousin and con- fidant, who, as they walked together in the park, observed that he seemed to be out of humour. When this is the case, such a question generally increases the disease ; at least it had that effect uj)on Peregrine, who replied, somewhat peevishly, " I assure you, madam, you never was more mis- taken in your observations." "Itliink so too," said Emilia, "for I never saw Mr. Pickle in higher spirits." — This ironical encomium com- pleted ms confusion ; he affected to smile, but it was a smile of anguish, and in his heart he cursed the vivacity of both. He could not for his soul recollect himself so as to utter o.ne con- nected sentence ; and the suspicion that they obsen'ed every circumstance of his behaviom-, threw such a damp on his spirits, that he was quite overwhelmed •nath shame and resentment, when Sophy, casting her eyes towards the gate, said, "Yonder is your servant, Mr. Pickle, -with another man who seems to have a wooden leg." Peregrine started at this intelligence, and immedi- ately underwent sundry changes of complexion, knowing that his fate in a gi'eat measure depended upon the information he would receive from his fnend. Hatchway advancing to the company, after a brace of sea bows to the ladies, took the youth aside, and put the commodore's letter into his hand, which threw him into such an agitation, that he could scarce pronomice "Ladies, will yoti give me leave ?" When, in consequence of their permission, he attempted to open the billet, he fumbled with such manifest disorder, that his mistress, who watclied his motions, began to think there was something very interesting in the message ; and so much was she affected with his concern, that she was fain to turn her head another way, and wipe the tears from her lovely eyes. Meanwhile, Peregrine no sooner read the first sentence, than his countenance, which before was overcast with a deep gloom, began to be lighted up, and every feature unbending by degrees, he re- covered his serenity. Having perused the letter, his eyes sparkling with joy and gratitude, he hugged the lieutenant in his anns, and presented him to the ladies as one of his best friends. Jack met with a most gracious reception, and shook Emilia by the hand, telling her, with the fami- liar appellation of old acquaintance, that he did not care how soon he was master of such another clean-going frigate as herself. 'I'he whole company partook of this favourable change that evidently appeared in our lover's recollection, and enlivened his conversation with such an uncommon flow of sprighllincss and good humour, as even made an impression on the iron countenance of Pipes himself, who actu- ally smiled with satisfaction as he walked behind them. The evening being pretty far advanced, they THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. -45 directed their course homeward ; and, ■while the valet attended Hatchway to the inn. Peregrine escorted the ladies to their lodgings, where he owned the justness of Sophy's remark, ui saying he was out of humour, and told them ho had been extremely chagrined at a difference which had happened between him and his uncle, to ■whom, by the letter which thej' had seen him re- ceive, he now found himself happily reconciled. Ha'ring received their congratulations, and de- clined staying to sup with them, on account of the longing desire he had to converse with his friend Jack, ho took his leave, and repaired to the ion, where Hatchway informed him of every- thing that had happened iu the garrison iiponhis representations. Far from being disgusted, he was perfectly well pleased with the prospect of going abroad, which flattered his vanity and am- bition, gratified his thirst after loiowledge, and indulged that turn for observation, for which he had been remarkable from his most tender years. Neither did he believe a short absence would tend to the prejudice of his love, but, on the contrary, enhance the value of his heart, because he should return better accomplished, and consequently a more welcome ofiferLug to his mistress. Elevated ■with these sentiments, his heart dilated with joj^, and the sluices of his natural benevolence being opened by this happy toim of his aflairs, he sent his compliments to Mr. Jolter, to whom he had not spoken during a whole week, and desired he ■v\'ould favour Mr. Hatchway and him ■with his company at supper. The governor was not weak enough to decline this invitation ; in consequence of which he forth- •with appeared, and was cordially welcomed by the relenting pupil, who expressed his sorrow for the misunderstanding which had prevailed between them, and ass\ired him that, for the future, he -would avoid giving htm any just cause of complaint. Jolter, who did not want affec- ■tion, was melted by this acknowledgment, which he could not have expected, and earnestly pro- tested that his chief study had always been, and ever should be, to promote Mr. Pickle's interest and happiness. The best part of the night being spent in the circulation of a cheerful glass, the company broke up ; and next morning Peregriue went out ■with a view of making his mistress acquainted with his uncle's intention of sending him out of the kingdom for his improvement, and of saying eveiythmg which he thought necessary for the interest oif his love. He found her at breakfast ■with her cousin ; and, as he was very full of the siibject of his ■srisit, had scarce fixed himself in his seat, when he brought it upon the carpet, by asking ■with a smile, if the ladies had any com- mands for Paris ? Emilia at this question began to stare, and her confidant desired to know who was going thither. He no sooner gave them to understand that he himself intended in a short time to visit that capital, than his mistress, -with great precipitation, wished him a good journey, and affected to talk with indifference about the pleasures he would enjoy in France. But when he seriously assured Sophy, who asked if he was in earnest, that his uncle actually insisted upon his making a short tour, the tears gushed in poor Emilia's eyes, and she was at great pains to con- ceal her concern, by observing that the tea was so scalding hot as to make her eyes water. This pretext was too thin to impose upon her lover, or even deceive the observation of her friend Sophy, ■who, after breakfast, took an opportunity of quit- ting the room. Thus left by themselves, Peregrine imparted to her what he had learned of the commodore's intention, witliout, however, mentioning a syl- lable of his being offended at their correspond- ence, and accompanied his information with such fervent vows of eternal constancy, and solemn promises of a speedy return, that Emilia's heart, which had been invaded by a suspicion that this scheme of travelling was the effect of her lover's inconstancy, began to be more at ease ; and she could not help signifying her approbation of his design. This affair being amicably compromised, he asked how soon she proposed to set out for her niother's house ; and understanding that her de- parture was fixed for next day but one, and that her cousin Sophy intended to accompany her in her fathei-'s chariot, he repeated his intention of attending her. In the meantime he dismissed his governor and the Ueutenant to the garrison, with his compliments to his aunt and the commodore, and a faithful promise of his being with them in six days at farthest. These previous measures being taken, he, at- tended by Pipes, set out ■with the ladies ; and they had also a convoy for twelve miles from Sophy's father, who at parting recommended tlwm piously to the care of Peregrine, with whom, by this time, he was perfectly well ac- qiiaiuted. CHAPTER XXVII. They meet with a dreadful alarm on the Road — Arrive at their Journey's end. — Peregrine is introduced to Emily's Brother — These two young Gentlemen misunderstand each other — Fickle departs for the Garrison. As they travelled at an easy rate, they had per- formed something more than one half of their journey, when they were benighted near an inn, at which they resolved to lodge. The accommo- dation was verjr good ; they supped together with gi-eat mirth and enjoyment, and it was not tUl after he had been warned by the ya^\•ns of the ladies, that he conducted them to their apart- ment ; wliere wishing them good-night, he retired to his own, and -^vent to rest. The house was crowded with country people who had been at a neighbouring fair, and now regaled themselves with ale and tobacco in the yard ; so tlaat their consideration, which at any time was but slender, being now overwhelmed, by this debauch, they staggered into their respec- tive kennels, and left a lighted candle sticking to one of the wooden pillars that supported the gallery. The flame tu a little time laid hold on the wood, which was as dry as tinder, and the whole gallery was on fire, when Peregrine sud- denly awaked, and found himself almost suffo- cated. He sprung up in anfnstant, slipped on his breeches, and, throwing open the door of his chamber, saw the whole entry in a blaze. Heavens ! what were the emotions of his soul, when he beheld the volumes of flame and smoke rolling towards the room where his dear Emilia lay ! Eegardless of his own danger, he darted himself through the thickest of the gloom, when, knocking hard, and calling at the same time to the ladies, with the most anxious entreaty to be admitted, the door was opened by Emilia in her shift, who asked, with the utmost trepidation, what was the matter? He made no reply, but snatching her up in his arms, like another .^Eneas, bore her through the flames to a place of safety ; where leaving her before she couldrecollect herself. 246 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. or pronounce one word, Imt, " Alas ! my cousin Sophy !" he flew back to the rescue of tliat young lady, and found lier already delivered l>y Pipes, who, having Ijeen alarmed by the smell of lire, had got up, rushed immediately to the cliamber ■where he knew these companions lodged, and (Emily l)eing saved by her lover) brought off Miss Sophy with the loss of his own shock head of hair, which was singed off in his retreat. By tliis time the whole inn was alarmed ; every lodger, as well as servant, exerted himself in order to stop the progress of this calamity ; and there being a well replenished horse-pond in the yard, in less than an hour the fire was totally extin- guished, without having done any other damage than that of consuming about two yards of the wooden gallery. All this time our young gentleman closely at- tended his fair charge, each of whom had swooned with apprehension ; but as their constitutions were good, and their spirits not easily dissipated, when upou reflection they found themselves and their company safe, and that the flames were happily quenched, the tumult of their fears sub- sided, they put on their clothes, recovered their good humour, and began to rally each other on the trim in which they had been secured. Sophy observed, that now Mr. Pickle had an indisput- able claim to her cousin's affection ; and there- fore she ought to lay aside all affected reser\-e for the future, and frankly avow the sentiments of her heart. Emily retorted the argument, putting her in mind, that, by the same claim, Mr. Pipes was entitled to the like return from her. Her friend admitted the force of the con- clusion, provided she could not find means of satisfying lier deliverer in another shape ; and turning to the valet, who happened to be pre- sent, asked if his heart was not otherwise en- gaged ? Tom, who did not conceive the meaning of the question, stood silent according to custom ; and the interrogation beuig repeated, answered, with a grin, "Heart-whole as a biscuit, I'll assure you, mistress." "Wliat?" said Emilia, " have you never been in love, Thomas ? " " Yes, forsooth," replied the valet without hesitation, "sometimes of a morning." Peregrine could not help laughing, and his mistress looked a little disconcerted at this blunt repartee ; while Sophy, slipping a purse into his hand, told him there was something to purchase a periwig. Tom, having consulted his master's eyes, refused the present, saying, " No, thank ye as much as if I did." And tliough she insisted upon his putting it in his pocket, as a small testimony of her gratitude, he could not be prevailed upon to avail himself of her generosity ; but, following her to the other end of the room, thrust it into her sleeve without ceremony, exclaiming, " 1 '11 be damn'd to hell if I do." Peregrine having checked him for his boorish behaviour, sent him out of the room, and begged that Miss Sophy would not endeavour to debauch the morals of his servant, who, rough and uncultivated as he was, had sense enough to perceive that he had no pretension to any such acknowledgment. But she argued with great vehemence, that she should never be able to make an acknowledg- ment adequate to the service he had done her, and that she should never be perfectly easy in her own mind, until she found some opportunity of manifesting the sense .she had of the obliga- tion. " I do not pretend," said she, " to reward Mr. Pipes ; but I shall be absolutely unhappy, unless I am allowed to give him some token of my regard." Peregrine, thus earnestly solicited, desired that, since she was bent upon displaying her generosity, she would not bestow upon him any pecuniary gratification, but honour him witli some trinket, as a mark of consideration ; be- cause he himself had such a particular value for the fellow, on account of his attachment and fidelity, that he should be sorry to see him treated on the footing of a common mercenary domestic. There was not one jewel in the possession of this grateful young lady, that she would not have gladly given as a recompense, or badge of distinction to her rescuer ; but his master pitched upon a seal ring of no great value, that hung at her watch, and Pipes being called in, had per- mission to accept tiiat testimony of Miss Sophy's favour. Tom received it accordingly with sundry scrapes, and, having kissed it with great devo- tion, put it on his little finger, and strutted off, extremely proud of his acquisition. Emilia, with a most enchanting sweetness of aspect, told her lover, that he had instructed her how to behave towards him ; and, taking a diamond ring from her finger, desired he would wear it for her sake. He received the pledge as became him, and presented another in exchange, which she at first refused, alleging, that it would destroy the intent of her acknowledgment ; but Peregrine assured her he had accepted her jewel, not as a proof of her gratitude, but as the mark of her love ; and that, if she refused a mutual token, he should look upon himself as the object of her disdain. Her eyes kindled, and her cheeks glowed with resentment at this impudent inti- mation, which she considered as an unseasonable insult ; and the young gentleman perceiving her emotion, stood con-ected for his temerity, and asked pardon for the libei-ty of his remonstrance, which he hoped she would ascribe to the pre- valence of that principle alone which he had always taken pride in avowing. Sopliy, seeing him disconcerted, interposed in his behalf, and chid her cousin for having prac- tised such imnecessarj' affectation ; upon which Emilia, softened into compliance, held out her finger as a signal of her condescension. Pere- grine put on the ring with great eagerness, mumbled her soft white hand in an ecstasy which would not allow him to confine his em- braces to that limb, but urged him to seize her by the waist, and snatch a delicious kiss from her love-pouting lips ; nor would he leave her a butt to the ridicule of Sophy, on whose mouth he instantly committed a rape of the same nature ; so that the two friends, countenanced by each other, reprehended him with such gentleness of rebuke, tiiat he was almost tempted to repeat the otfence. The morning being now lighted up, and the servants of the inn on foot, he ordered some chocolate for breakfast, and, at the desire of the ladies, sent Pipes to see the horses fed, and the chariot: prepared, while he went to the bar, and discharged the bill. These measures being taken, they set out about five o'clock, and having refreshed them- selves and their cattle at another inn on tlio road, proceeded in the afternoon. Without meeting with any other accident, they safely arrived at the place of their destination, where Mrs. Gauntlet expressed her joy at seeing her old friend Mr. Pickle, whom, however, she kindly reproached for the long discontinuance of his regard. Without explaining the cause of that interruption, he protested that his love and esteem had never been discontinued, and that, for the future, he should omit no occasion of THE ADVENTURES OF TEREGRINE PICKLE. 247 testifyinp; how much he had her friendship at heart. She then made him acquainted witli her son, who at that time was in the house, being excused from his duty by furlough. This young man, whose name was Godfrey, •was about tlie age of twenty, of a middling size, vigorous make, remarkably well shaped, and the scars of the small-pox, of which he bore a good number, added a peculiar manliness to the air of his countenance. His capacity was good, and his disposition natiirally frank and easy ; but he had been a soldier from his infancy, and his edu- cation was altogether in the military style. He looked upon taste and letters as mere pedantry, beneath the consideration of a gentleman ; and every civil station of life as mean, when com- pared with the profession of arms. He had made gi'eat progress in the gymnastic sciences of danc- ing, fencing, and riding, played perfectly well on the German flute, and, above all things, valued himself iipon a scrupulous observance of all the points of honour. Had Peregrine and he considered themselves upon equal footing, in all probability they would have immediately entered into a leagiic of inti- macy and friendship. But this sufiScient soldier looked upon his sister's admirer as a young student, raw from the university, and utterly ignorant of mankind ; while Squire Pickle be- held Godfrey in the light of a needy volunteer, greatly inferior to himself in fortune, as well as every other accomplishment. This mutual mis- understanding could not fail of producing ani- mosities. The very next day after Peregrine's arrival, some sharp repai-tees passed between them in presence of the ladies, before whom each endeavoured to assert his own superiority. In these contests our hero never failed of obtaining the victory, because his genius was more acute, and his talents better cultivated than those of his antagonist, who therefore took umbrage at his success, became jealous of his reputation, and began to treat him with marks of scorn and disrespect. His sister saw, and dreading the consequence of his ferocity, not only took him to task in pri- vate for his impolite behaviour, but also entreated her lover to make allowances for the roughness of her brother's education. He kindly assured her, that, whatever pains it might cost him to vanquish his own impetuous temper, he would for her sake endure all the mortifications to which her brother's arrogance might expose him ; and, after having stayed with her two days, and enjoyed several private interviews, during which he acted the part of a most passionate lover, he took his leave of Mrs. Gauntlet over night, and told the young ladies he would call early next morning to bid them farewell. He did not neglect this piece of duty, and found the two friends and breakfast already prepared in the parlour. All three being extremely affected with the thoughts of parting, a most pathetic silence for some time prevailed, till Peregrine put an end to it, by lamenting his fate, in being ob- liged to exile himself so long from the dear object of his most interesting wish. He begged, with the most earnest supplications, that she would now, in consideration of the cruel absence he must suffer, give him the consolation which she had hitherto refused, namely, that of know- ing he possessed a place within her heart. The confidant seconded his reqiiest, representing that it was now no time to disguise her sentiments, when her lover was about to leave the kingdom, and might be in danger of contracting other con- nexions, unless he was confirmed in his con- stancy, by knowing how far he could dopond upon her love ; and, in short, she was jiliod with such irresistible importimities, that she answered, in the utmost confusion, " Though I have avoided literal acknowled.gments, methinks the circum- stances of my behaviour might liave convinced Mr. Pickle that I do not regard him as a com- mon acquaintance." "My charming Emily!" cried the impatient lover, throwing himself at her feet, " why will you deal out my happiness in such scanty portions? Why will you thus mince the declaration which would overwhelm me with pleasure, and cheer my lonely reflection, while I sigh amid the solitude of separation?" His fair mistress, melted by this image, replied, with the tears gushing from her eyes, "I'm afraid I shall feel that separation more severely than you imagine." Transported at this flatter- ing confession, he pressed her to his breast, and, while her head reclined upon his neck, mingled his tears with hers in great abundance, breathing the most tender vows of eternal fidelity. The gentle heart of Sophy could not bear this scene unmoved; she wept with sympathy, and en- couraged the lovers to resign themselves to the will of fate, and support their spirits with the hope of meeting again on happier terms. Finally, after mutual promises, exhortations, and endear- ments, Peregiine took his leave, his heart being so full, that he could scarce pronounce the word Adieu! and, mounting his horse at the door, set out with Pipes for the garrison. CHAPTER XXVIII. Peregrine is overtaken hy Mr. Gauntlet, with whom he fights a Duel, and contracts an inti- mate Friendship — He arrives at the Garrison, and finds his Mother as implacable as ever — He is insidted by his Brother Gam, luhose Pre- ceptor he disciplines with a Horse-whip. Ik order to expel the melancholy images that took possession of his fancy, at parting from his mistress, he called in the flattering ideas of those pleasures he expected to enjoy in France ; and, before he had rode ten miles, his imagination was efi"ectually amused. WhUe he thus prosecuted his travels by antici- pation, and indulged himself in all the insolence of hope, at the turning of a lane he was all of a sudden overtaken by Emilia's brother on horse- back, who told him he was riding the same way, and should be glad of his company. This young gentleman, whether prompted by personal pique, or actuated with zeal for the honour of his family, had followed our hero, with a view of obliging him to explain tlie nature of his attachment to his sister. Peregrine re- turned his compliment with such disdainful civility, as gave him room to believe that he suspected his errand ; and therefore, without further preamble, he declared his business in these words : " Mr. Pickle, you have carried on a correspondence with my sister for some time, and I should be glad to know the nature of it." To this question our lover replied, "Sir, I should be glad to know what title you have to demand that satisfaction." " Sir," answered the other, " I demand it in the capacity of a brothci', jealous of his o^\^l honour, as well as of his sister's repu- tation ; and, if your intentions are honourable, you will not refuse it." " Sir," said Peregi'ine, " I am not at present disposed to appeal to your opinion for the rectitude of my intentions j and 248 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. I think you assume a little too much importance, in pretending to judge my conduct." " Sir," re- plied the soldier, "1 pretend to judge the con- auct of every man who interferes with my con- cerns, and even to chastise Mm, if I think lie acts amiss." " Chastise 1" cried the youth, with indignation in his looks, " sure you dare not apply that term to mo !" " You are mistaken," said Goillrcy ; " 1 dare do anything that becomes the character of a gentleman." "Gentleman, God wot !" replied the other, looking con- temptuously at uis equipage, which was none of the most superb ; " a very jjretty gentleman, truly ! " The soldier's wrath , was inllamed by this ironical repetition, the contempt of which his conscious poverty made him feel ; and he called his antagonist Presumptuous Boy ! In- solent Upstart ! with other epithets, which Perrj' retorted with great bitterness. A formal challenge having passed between them, they alighted at the tirst inn, and walked into the next field, in onler to decide their quarrel by the sword. Having pitched upon the spot, helped to pull olf each other's boots, and laid aside their coats ami waistcoats, Mr. Gauntlet told his opponent that he himself was looked upon in the army as an expert swordsman ; and that, if Mr. Pickle had not made that science his parti- cular study, they should be upon a more equal footing in using pistols. Peregrine was too much incensed to thank him for his plain deal- ing, and too confident of his own skill, to relish the other's proposal, which he accordingly re- jected. Then, drawing his sword, he observed, that, were he to treat Mr. Gauntlet according to his deserts, he would order his man to punish his audacity with a horse-whip. Exasperated at this expression, which he considered as an in- delible affrout, he made no reply, but attacked his adversary with equal ferocity and address. The youth parried his first and second thrust, but received the third in the outside of his sword arm. Though the wound was superficial, he was transported with rage at the sight of his own blood, and returned the assault with such fury and precipitation, that Gauntlet, loth to take advantage of his unguarded heat, stood upon the defensive. In the second lunge. Peregrine's weapon entering a kind of net-work in the shell of Godfrey's sword, the blade snapped in two and left him at the mercy of the soldier, who, far from making an insolent use of the victory he had gained, put up his Toledo with great de- liberation, like a man who had been used to that kind of rencounters, and observed that such a blade as Peregrine's was not be trusted with a man's life. Then, advising the owner to treat a gentleman in distress with more respect for the future, he slipped on his boots, and, with sullen dignity of demeanour, stalked back to the inn. Though Pickle was extremely mortified at his miscarriage in this adventure, he was also struck with the behaviour of his antagonist, which af- fected him the more, as he undei-stood that God- frey's fierle had proceeded from the jealous sen- sibility of a gentleman declined into the vale of misfortune. Gauntlet's valour and moderation induced him to put a favourable construction on all those circumstances of that young soldier's conduct which had before given him disgust. Though, in any other case, he would have in- dustriously avoided the least ajipearance of sub- mission, he followed his conciueror to the inn, with a view of thanking him for his generous forbearance, and of soliciting his friendship aud correspondence. Godfrey had his foot in the stirrup to mount, when Peregrine coming up to him, desired he would defer his departure for a <[uarter of an hour, and favour him with a little private con- versation. The soldier, who mistook the mean- ing of the request, immediately quitted his horse, and followed Pickle into a chamber, where he expected to lind a brace of pistols loaded on the table ; but he was very agreeably deceived wlien our hero, in the most re.spectlul terms, acknowledged his noble deportment in the held, owned that till then he had misimderstood his character, and begged that he would honour him with his intimacy aud correspondence. Gauntlet, who had seen undoubted proofs of Peregrine's courage, which had considerably raised him in his esteem, and had sense enough to perceive that this concession was not owing to any soriUd or sinister motive, embraced his offer with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction. When he understood the tenns on which Mj-. Pickle was with his sister, he proffered his ser- vice in turn, either as agent, mediator, or con- fidant. Nay, to give his new friend a convincing proof of his sincerity, he disclosed to him a passion which he had for some time entertained for his cousin Miss Sophy, though he durst not reveal his sentiments to her father, lest he should be offended at his presumption, and TOthdraw his protection from the family. Peregrine's generous heart was wrung with anguish when he understood that this young gentleman, who was the only son of a dis- tinguished officer, had carried arms for the space of live years, without being able to obtain a sub- altern's commission, though he had always be- haved with remarkable regularity and spirit, and acquired the friendship and esteem of all the ollicers under whom he had served. He would at that time, with the utmost plea- sure, have shared his finances with him ; but, as he would not run the risk of offending the young soldier's delicacy of honour by a pre- mature exertion of his liberality, ho resolved to insinuate himself into an intimacy with him, before he would venture to take such freedoms ; and with that view pressed Mr. Gauntlet to accompany him to the garrison, where he did not doubt of having influence enough to make him a welcome guest. Godfrey thanked him very courteously for his invitation, which he said he could not immediately accept ; but promised, if he would favour him with a letter, and fix the time at which he proposed to set out for France, he would endeavour to visit him at the commo- dore's habitation, and from thence give him a convoy to Dover. This new treaty being settled, and a dossil of lint with a snip of plaster applied to our adventurer's wound, he parted from tho brotlier of his dear Emilia, to whom and hi* friend Sophy he sent his kindest wishes ; and having lodged one night upon the road, arrived next day in ilie afternoon at the garrison, where he found all his friends in good health, and over- joyed at his return. Tho commodore, who was by this time turned of seventy, and altogether crippled by the gout, seldom went abroad ; and as his conversation was not very entertaining, had but little com- pany within doors ; so that his spirits must have quite stagnated had they not been kept in motion by the conversation of Hatchway, and received at different times a wholesome fillip from tho discipline of his spouse, who, by the force of pride, religion, and cogniac, had erected a most terrible tyranny in the house. There was such a quick circulation of domestics in tho family that every suit of livery had been worn THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 249 by figures of all dimensions. Trannion himself had, long before this time, yielded to the torrent of her arbitrary sway, though not without diTcrs obstinate efforts to maintain his liberty ; and now that ho was disabled by his iufumitios, ■when he used to hear his empress singing the loud Orthyan soug among the sei-vants below, he would often, in whispers, communicate to the lieutenant hints of what he would do, if so be as how he was not deprived of the use of his precious limbs. Hatchway was the only person wliom the temper of Mrs. Trunnion respected, either because she dreaded his ridicule or looked upon his person with eyes of affection. This behig the situation of things in the garrison, it is not to be doubted that the old gentleman highly enjoyed the presence of Peregrine, who found means to ingratiate himself so effectually with his aunt, that, while he remained at home, she seemed to have exchanged the disposition of a tigi-ess for that of a gentle kid. But he found his own mother as implacable, and his father as much henpecked as ever. Gamaliel, who now very seldom enjoyed the conversation of his old friend the commodore, had some time ago entered into an amicable society, consisting of the barber, apothecary, attorney, and exciseman of the parish, among whom he used to spend the evening at Tunley's, and listen to their disputes upon philosophy and politics with great comfort and edification, while his sovereign lady domineered at home as usual, visited with gi-eat pomp in the neighbour- hood, and employed her chief care in the educa- tion of her darling son Gam, who was now in the fifteenth year of his age, and so remarkable for his perverse disposition, that, in spite of his mother's influence and authority, he was not only hated, but also despised, both at home and abroad. She had put him under the tuition of the curate, who lived in the family, and was obliged to attend him in all his exercises and excursions. This governor was a low-bred fel- low, who had neither experience nor ingenuity, but possessed a large fund of adulation and ser- vile complaisance, by which he had gained the good graces of Mrs. Pickle, and presided over all her deliberations, in the same manner as his supe- rior managed those of llrs. Trunnion. He had one day rode out to take the air with his pupil, who, as I have already observed, was odious to the poor people, for having killed their dogs and broken their enclosures, and, on ac- count of his hump, was distinguished by the title of My Lord, when in a narrow lane they chanced to meet Peregrine on horseback. The young squire no sooner perceived his elder brother, against whom he had been instructed to bear the most inveterate grudge, than he resolved to insult him tn passayit, and actually rode against him full gallop. Our hero, guessing his aim, fixed himself in his stirrups, and, by a dexterous management of the reins, avoided the shock in such a manner, as that their legs only should encounter, by which means my lord was tilted out of his saddle, and, in a twinkling, laid sprawling in the dirt. The governor, enraged at the disgrace of his charge, advanced with great insolence and fury, and struck at Peregrine vAth. his whip. Nothing could be more agree- able to our young gentleman than this assault, which furnished him with an opportunity of chastising an officious wretch, whose petulance and malice he had longed to punish. He, there- fore, spurring up his horse towards his anta- gonist, overtlirew him in the middle of a hedge. Before he had time to recollect MmseK from the confusion of the I'all, Pickle alighted in a trice and exercised his horse-whip with such agility, about the curate's face and ears, that ho was fain to prostrate himself before his enraged conqueror, and implore his forbearance in the most aliject terms. While Peregi-ine was thus employed, his brother Gam had made sliift to rise and attack him in the rear ; for which reason, when the tutor was quelled, the victor faced about, snatched the weapon out of his hand, and, having broken it to pieces, remounted his horse, and rode off, without deigning to honour him with any other notice. The condition in which they returned produced infinite clamour against the conqueror, who was represented as a ruffian who had lain in ambush to make away with his brother, in whose defence the curate was said to have received those cruel stripes, that hindered him from appearing for three whole weeks in the performance of his duty at chuixh. Complaints were made to the commodore, who, having inquired into the circumstances of the affair, approved of what his nephew had done ; adding, with many oaths, that, provided Pere- grine had been out of the scrape, ho wished Crook-back had broke his neck in the fall. CHAPTER XXIX. He projects a Plan of Revenge, which is executed against the Curate. Our hero, exasperated at the villany of the ciirate in the treacherous misrepresentation he had made of this rencounter, determined to practise upon him a method of revenge, which should be not only effectual, but also unattended with any bad consequence to himself. For this purpose he and Hatchway, to whom he imparted his plan, w^ent to the ale-house one evening, and called for an empty room, Imo-wing there was no other but that which they had chosen for the scene of action. This apartment was a sort of parlour that fronted the kitchen, with a window towards the yard ; where, after they had sat some time, the lieiitenant found means to amuse the landlord in discourse, while Peregrine, stepping out into the yard, by the talent of mimicry, which he possessed in a surprising degree, counterfeited a dialogue between the curate and Timley's wife. This reaching the ears of the publican, for whose hearing it was calculated, inflamed his naturally jealous disposition to such a degree that he could not conceal his emotion, but made an huncbed efforts to quit the room, while the lieutenant, smoking his pipe with great gravity, as if he neither heard what passed, nor took notice of the landlord's disorder, detained him on the spot by a succession of questions which he could not refuse to answer, though he stood sweating with agony all the time, stretching his neck every instant towards the window through which the voices were conveyed, scratching his head, and exhibit- ing sundry other symptoms of impatience and agitation. At length, the supposed conversation came to such a pitch of amorous complaisance, that the husband, quite frantic with his imaginary disgrace, rushed out at the door, crying, '■Com- ing, sir." But, as he was obliged to make a circuit round one-half of the house. Peregrine had got in by the window before Tunley arrived in the yard. According to the feigned intelligence he had received, he ran directly to the bam, in expecta- tation of niakinp some very cxtraordinar>' dis- covery; and havinj; employed some minutes in rummaging the straw to no pur})ose, retunied in a state of distraction to the kitohen, jiist as his wife chanced to enter at the other door. The circumstance of her appearance confirmed him in the opinion that the deed was done. As the on the friendship and generosity of the conunodore. Finally, present- ing him with her own picture, set in gold, and a hundred guineas from her i)rivy purse, she em- braced him affectionately, and wished him all manner of happiness and prosperity. Being thus kindly dismissed by Mrs. Trunnion, he locked himself up with his sister Julia, whom he admonished to cultivate her aunt with the most complaisant and respect fid attention, with- out stooping to any circumstance of submission that she should judge unworthy of her practice ; he protested that his chief study should be to make her amends for the privilege she had for- feited by her allection for nim ; entreated her to enter into no engagement without his knowledge and approbation ; put into her hand the purse which he had received from his aunt, to defray her pocket expenses in his absence, and parted from her, not without tears, after she had for some minutes hung about his neck, kissing him, and weeping in the most pathetic silence. Having performed these duties of affection and consanguinity over night, he went to bed, and was, by his own direction, called at fonr o'clock in the morning, when he found the post-chaise, coach, and riding horses, ready at the gate, his friends Gauntlet and Hatchway on foot, the commodore himself almost dressed, and every sen'ant in the garrison assembled in the yard to wish him a good journey. Our hero shook each of these humble friends by the hand, tipping them at the same time with marks of his bounty ; and was veiy much surprised when he could not perceive his old attendant Pipes among the num- ber. When he expressed his wonder at this dis- respectful omission of Tom, some of those present ran to his chamber, in order to give him a call, but his hammock and room were both deserted ; and they soon returned with an account of his having eloped. Peregrine was disturbed at this information, believing that the fellow had taken some desperate course in consequence of his being dismissed from his service, and began to wish that he had indulged his inclination by retaining him still about his person. However, as there was now no other remedy, he recommended him strenuously to the particular favour and distinc- tion of his uncle and Hatchway, in case he should appear again ; and, as he went out of the gate, was saluted with three cheers by all the domes- tics in the family. The commodore, Gaimtlet, lieutenant. Peregrine, and Jolter, went into the coach together, that they might enjoy each other's conversation as much as possible, resolv- ing to breakfast at an inn upon the road, where lYunnion and Hatchway intended to bid oiir adventurer farewell ; tlie valct-de-chambre got into the post-chaise, the French lacquey rode one horse, and led another ; one of the valets of the garrison mounted at the back of the coach, and thus the cavalcade set out on the road to Dover. As the commodore could not bear the fatigue of jolting, they travelled at an easy pace during the first stage, so that the old gentleman had an opportunity of communicating his exhor- tations to liis godson, with regard to his conduct abroad ; he advised him, now that he was going into foreign parts, to be upon his ^ard against the fair weather of the French pohtesse, which was no more to be trusted than a whirlpool at sea. He obsei-ved, that many young men had gone to Paris with good cargoes of sense, and returned with a great deal of canvas, and no ballast at all ; whereby they became crank all THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 257 the days of their lives, and sometimes carried their keels above water. Ho desired Mr. Jolter to keep his pupil out of the clutches of those sharkiug priests, who lie in wait to make con- verts of all young strangers ; and, in a particular manner, cautioned the youth against carnal con- versation with the Parisian dames, who, he understood, were no better than gaudy fireships, ready primed -with death and destruction. Peregi'ine listened with great respect, thanking him for his kind admonitions, which he faith- fully pi-omised to observe. They halted and breakfasted at the end of the stage, where Jolter provided himself with a horse ; and the commo- dore settled the method of corresponding with his nephew. The minute of parting being ar- rived, the old commander wrung his godson by the hand, saying, *' I wish thee a prosperous -voyage, and good cheer, my lad ; my timbers are now a little crazy, d' ye see ; and God knows if I shall keep afloat till such time as I see thee again ; but howsomever, hap what will, thou wilt find thyself in a condition to keep in the line with the best of thy fellows." He then re- minded Gauntlet of his promise to call at the ■gaiTison in his return from Dover, and imparted something in a whisper to the governor, while Jack Hatchway, unable to speak, pulled his hat •over his eyes, and, squeezing Peregrine by the hand, gave him an iron pistol of curious work- manship, as a memorial of his friendship. Our youth, who was not unmoved on this occasion, received the pledge, which he acknowledged with the present of a silver tobacco-box, bought for that purpose ; and the two lads of the castle getting into the coach, were driven homewards in a state of silent dejection. Godfrey and Peregrine seated themselves in the post-chaise, and Jolter, the valet-de-chambre, and lacquey, bestriding their beasts, they pro- ceeded for the place of their destination, at which they arrived in safety that same night, and be- spoke a passage in the packet-boat, which was to sail next day. CHAPTER XXXIV. He adjusts the method of his Correspondence with Gauntlet; meets by Accident with an Italian Charlatan, and a certain Apothecary, who proves to be a noted Character. There the two friends adjusted the articles of their future correspondence ; and Peregrine hav- ing written a letter to his mistress, wherein he renewed his former vows of eternal fidelity, it was intrusted to the care of her brother ; while Mr. Jolter, at the desire of his pupil, provided an elegant supper, and some excellent Burgundy, that they might spend this eve of his departure with the greater enjoyment. Things being thus disposed, and a servant em- ployed in laying the cloth, their ears were of a sudden invaded by a strange tumultous noise in ■the next room, occasioned by the overthrow of tables, chairs, and glasses, with odd unintelli- gible exclamations in broken French, and a jar- gon of threats in the Welsh dialect. Our young gentlemen ran immediately into the apartment from whence this clamour seemed to proceed, and found a thin, meagre, swarthy figure, gasp- ing in all the agony of fear, imder the hands of a squat, thick, hard-featured man, who collared him with great demonstrations of wrath, saying, " If you was as mighty a magician as Owen Glendower, or the witch of Enter, look you, ay. or as Paul Beor himself, I will moke pold, by the assistance of Got, and in his Majesty's naam, to seize and secure, and confine and confront you, until such time as you suffer and endure and undergo the pains and penalties of the law, for your diabolical practices. Shentlements," added he, turning to our adventurers, "I take you to witness that I protest and assert and avow, that this person is as pig a necromancer as you would desire to behold ; and I supplicate and beseech and entreat of you, that he may be prought pe- fore his petters, and compelled to give an account of his compact and commerce with the imps of darkness, look you ; for as I am a Christian soul, and hope for joyful resurrection, I have this plessed evening seen him perform such things as could not be done without the aid and instruc- tion and connivance of the tevil." Gauntlet seemed to enter into the sentiments of this Welsh reformer, and actually laid hold on the delinquent's shoulder, crying, " Damn the rascal ! I' 11 lay any wager that he's a Jesuit, for none of his order travel without a familiar." But Peregrine, who looked upon the aflair in another point of view, interposed in behalf of the stranger, whom he freed from his aggressors, observing that there was no occasion to use violence, and asked in French what he had done to incur the censure of the informer. The poor foreigner, more dead than alive, answered that he was an Italian charlatan, who had practised with some reputation in Padua, imtil he had the misfortune to attract the notice of the inquisi- tion, by exhibiting certain wonderful perform- ances by his skill in natural knowledge, which that tribunal considered as the effects of sorcery, and persecuted him accordingly ; so that he had been fain to make a precipitate retreat into France, where, not finding his account in his talents, he was now arrived in England, with a view of practising his art in London ; and that, in consequence of a specimen which he had given to a company below, the choleric gentleman had followed him up-stairs to his own apartment, and assaulted him in that inhospitable manner. He therefore earnestly begged that our hero would take him imder his protection ; and if he entertained the least suspicion of his employing preternatural meims in the operations of his art, he would freely communicate all the secrets in his possession. The youth dispelled his apprehension, by assur- ing him that he was in no danger of suJBFering for his art in England, where, if ever ho should be questioned by the zeal of superstitious indi\'i- duals, he had nothing to do but appeal to the next justice of the peace, who would immedi- ately quit him of the charge, and pimish his accusers for their impertinence and indiscretion. He then told Gauntlet and the Welshman that the stranger had a good action against them for an assault, by virtue of an Act of Parliament, which makes it criminal for any person to accuse another of sorcery and witchcraft, these idle no- tions being now justly exploded by all sensible men. Mr. Jolter, who had by this time joined the company, could not help signifying his dis- sent from this opinion of his pupil, which he endeavoured to invalidate by the authority of Scripture, quotations from the Fathers, and the confession of many wretches who sufiered death for having carried on correspondence with evil spirits, together with the e\idence of Satan's In- visible World, and Moreton's History of Witch- craft. The soldier corroborated these testimonies by facts that had happened within the sphere of his 258 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. own knowledfre ; and, in particular, mentioned the case of an old woman in the parish in which he was born, who used to transform herself into the shapes of sundry animals, and was at last killed hy small sliot in the character of a liarc. The Welshra.Tji, thus supported, erpresscil his surprise at hearing that the legislature had shown such tenderness for criminals of so dark a hue ; and offered to prove, by undeniable instances, that there was not a mountain in Wales which had not been in his memory the scene of necro- mancy and witchcraft. " "VVherefore," said he, " I am assuredly more than apovo astonished and confounded and concerned, that the Parliament of Great Pritain should in their great wisdoms, and their prudence, and their penetration, give countenance and encouragement, look you, to the works of darkness and the empire of Pelzepup ; ofer and apove the evidence of Holy Writ, and those writers who have been quoted by that ag- Rurate and learned shcntleman, we are informed by profane history of the pribblcs, and pranks of the old serpent, in the bortents and oracles of antiquity ; as you will find in that most excel- lent historian Bolypius, and Titus Lisius ; ay, and moreofer, in the Commentaries of Julius Caesar himself, who, as the 'ole world knows, was a most famous, and a most faliant, and a most wise, and a most prudent, and a most fortunate chiftan, and a most renowned orator ; ay, and a most elegant writer to boot." Peregrine did not think proper to enter the lists of dispute with three such obstinate anta- gonists ; but contented himself with saying, that he believed it would be no difficult matter to im- pugn the arguments they had advanced, though he did not find himself at all disposed to under- take the task, which must of course break in upon the evening's entertainment. He therefore invited the Italian to supper, and asked the same favour of his accuser, who seemed to have some- thing curious and characteristic in his manner and disposition, resolving to make himself an eye- witness of those surprising feats, which had given offence to the choleric Briton. This scrupulous gentleman thanked our hero for his courtesy, but declined communicating with the stranger, imtil his character should be further explained ; upon which his inviter, after some conversation ^vith the charlatan, assured him that he would himself undertake for the innocence of his art ; and then he was prevailed upon to favoiir them with his company. In the course of the conversation, Peregrine learned that the Welshman 'was a surgeon of Canterbury, who had been called into a consulta- tion at Dover, and, understanding that his name was Morgan, took the liberty of asking if he was not the person so respectfully mentioned in tlie Adventures of Roderick Random. Mr. Morgan assumed a look of gravity and importance at this interrogation, and, screwing xip his mouth, an- swered, "Mr. Rantum, my goot sir, I believe upon my conscience and salfation, is my veiy foot fricnt and well-wisher ; and he and I have een comi)anions, and messmates, and fellow- sufferers, look you ; but nevertheless, for all that, peradventure he hath not pehaved with so much complaisance, and affability, and respect, as I miglit have expected from him ; pecauso he hath revealed, and tivulged, and published our private affairs, without my knowledge, and privity, and consent ; but as Got is my Saviour, I think he had no evil intention in his pelly : and though there be certain persons, look you, who, as I am told, take \x\wr\ them to laugh at his descriptions of my person, deportment, and conversation, I do affirm and maintain, and insist with my heart, and my ploot, and my soul, that those persons are no petter than ignorant asses, and that they Icnow not how to discern, and distinguish, and define true ridicule, or, as Aristotle calls it, the to geloion, no more, look j'ou, than a herd of moun- tain goats ; for I \vill make pold to observe, and I hope this goot company will be of the same opinion, that there is nothing said of me in that performance which is unworthy of a Christian and a shentleman." Our young gentleman and his friends acqui- esced in the justness of his observation. Pere- grine particularly assured him, that, from reading the book, he had conceived tlie utmost regard and veneration for his character ; and that he thought himself extremely fortunate in having this opportunity of enjoying his conversation. Morgan, not a little proud of such advances from a person of Peregrine's appearance, returned the compliment with a profusion of civility, and, in the warmth of acknowledgment, expressed a de- sire of seeing him and his company at his house in Canterbuiy. " I will not pretend or presume, kind sir," said he, " to entertain you according to your merits and deserts : but you shall be as welcome to my poor cottage, and my wife and family, as the Prince of Wales himself ; and it shall go hard, if, one way or other, I do not find ways and means of making you confess that there is some goot fellowship in an ancient Priton. For, though 1 am no petter than a simple apothecary, I have as goot plood circulating in my veins as any he in the countiy, and I can describe, and delineate, and demonstrate my pedigree to the satisfaction of the 'ole 'orld ; and moreover, by Got's goot providence and assistance, I can afford to treat my friend with a joint of goot miitton, and a pottle of excellent wine, and no tradesman can peard me with a bill." Ho was congratu- lated on his happy situation, and assured that our youth would visit him on his return from France, provided he should take Canterbury on his route. As Peregrine manifested an inclina- tion of being acquainted with the state of his affairs, he very complaisantly satisfied his curio- sity, by giving Mm to know, that his spouse had left oS' breeding, after having blessed him with two boys and a girl, who were still alive and well ; that he lived in good esteem with his neigh- bours, and l)y his j^ractice, which was consider- ably extended immediately after the publicatioii of Roderick Random, had saved some thousand pounds. He had begim to think of retiring among his ov>rn. relations in Glamorganshire, though his wife had made objections to this pro- posal, and opposed the execution of it with such obstinacy, that he had been at infinite pains in asserting liis own prerogative, by convincing her, both from reason and example, that he was king and priest in his own family, and that she oweil the most implicit submission to his will. He like^vise inforaied the company that he had lately seen his friend Roderick, who had come from London on purpose to visit him, after hav- ing gained his law-suit with Mr. Topehall, who was obliged to pay Narcissa's fortune ; that Mr. Random, in all appearance, led a veiy happy life in the conversation of his father and bedfellow, by whom ho enjoyed a son and daughter; and that Morgan had received, in a present from hijn, a piece of very fine linen, of his wife's own mak- ing, several kits of salmon, and two casks of pickled pork, the most delicate lu; had ever tasted, together with a barrel of excellent her- rings for salmagundy, which he knew to be his favouiite dish. THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. ■SO This topic of conversation being discussed, tlio Italian was desired to exhibit a specimen of Ids art, and in a few minutes conducted the com- pany into the next room, where, to their great astonishment and affright, they belield a thou- siuid serpents winding along the ceiling. Mor- gan, struck with this phenomenon, which he had not seen before, began to utter exorcisms with great devotion; Mr. Jolter ran terrilied out of the room ; Gauntlet drew his hangei-, and Pere- grine himself was disconcerted. The operator perceiving their confusion, desired them to retire, and calling them back in an instant, there was not a viper to be seen. He raised their admi- ration by sundry other performances, and the Welshman's former opinion and abhorrence of his character began to recur, when, in considera- tion of the civility with which he had been treated, this Italian imparted to them all the methods by which he had acted such wonders, that were no other than the effects of natural causes cmiously combined ; so that IMorgan became a convert to his skill, asked pardon for the suspicion he had eutertained, and invited the stranger to pass a low days with him at Canterbury. The scruples of Godirey and Jolter were removed at the same time, and Peregrine testified his approbation by a handsome gratuity which he bestowed upon their entertainer. The evening being spent in this sociable man- ner, every man retired to his respective chamber, and next morning they breakfasted together, when Morgan declared he would stay till he should see our hero fairly embarked, that he might have the pleasure of Mr. Gauntlet's company to his own habitation. Meanwhile, by the skipper's advice, the servants were ordered to carry a store of wine and provision on board, in case of accident ; and, as the packet-boat could not sail before one o'clock, the company walked up hill to visit the castle, where they saw the sword of Julius Csesar, and Queen Elizabeth's pocket-pistol, repeated Shakespeare's description, while they surveyed the chalky cliffs on each side, and cast their eyes towards the city of Calais, that was obscured by a thick cloud, which did not much regale their eyesight, because it seemed to portend foul weather. Having viewed everything remarkable in this place, they returned to the pier, where, after the compliments of parting, and an affectionate em- brace between the two young gentlemen, Pere- grine and his governor stepped aboard, the sails were hoisted, and they went to sea with a fair wnd, while Godfrey, Morgan, and the conjuror walked back to the inn, from whence they set out for Canterbury, before dinner. CHAPTER XXXV. He embarks for France — 7s overtaken hy a Storm — 7s surprised, with the appearance of Pi2}es — Lands at Calais, and has an Affray with the Officers of the Chistom-house. ScAECE had the vessel proceeded two leagues on the passage, when the wind shifting, blew directly in their teeth ; so that they were obliged to haul upon a wind, and alter their course. The sea running pretty high at the same time, our hero, who was below in his cabin, began to be squeam- ish, and, in consequence of the skipper's advice, wentuponthe deck for the comfort of his stomach ; while the govei'nor, experienced in these disas- ters, slipt into bed, where he lay at his ease, amusing himself with a treatise on tlie cycloid, with algebraical demonstrations, which never failed to engage his imagination in the most agreeable manner. In the meantime the wind increased to a very hard gale, the vessel pitched with great violence, the sea washed over the decks, the master was alanned, the crew were confounded, the passen- gers were overwhelmed with siclmess and fear, and universal distraction ensued. In the midst of this uproar. Peregrine, holding fast by the tafl'rail, and looking ruefully ahead, the counte- nance of Pipes presented itself to his astonished view, rising as it were from the hold of the ship. At first he imagined it was a fear-formed shadow of his own brain, though he did not remain long in this error, but plainly perceived that it was no other than the real person of Thomas, who, jumping on the quarter-deck, took charge of the helm, and dictated to the sailors with as much authority as if he had been commander of the ship. The skipper looked upon him as an angel sent to his assistance, and the crew, soon dis- covering him to be a thoroughbred seamen, not- withstanding his livery frock, obeyed his orders with such alacrity, that in a little time the con- fusion vanislied, and every necessary step was taken to weather the gale. Oui' young gentleman immediately conceived the meaning of Tom's appearance on board, and, when the tumult was a little subsided, went up, and encouraged him to exert himself for the pre- servation of the ship, promising to take him again into his service, from which he should never be dismissed, except at his own desire. This assur- ance had a surprising effect upon Pipes, who, though he made no manner of reply, thrust the helm into the master's hand, saying, " Here, you old bumboat woman, take hold of the tiller, and keep her thus, boy, thus ;" and skipped about the vessel, trimming the sails, and managed the ropes with such agility and skill, that everybody on deck stood amazed at his dexterity. Mr. Jolter was far from being unconcerned at the uncommon motion of the vessel, the singing of the wind, and the uproar which he heard above him ; he looked towards the cabin door mth the most fearful expectation, in hope of seeing some person who could give some accoiuit of the weather, and what was doing upon deck ; but not a soul appeared, and he was too well acquainted with the disposition of his own bowels to make the least alteration in his attitude. When he had latu a good while in all the agony of suspense, the boy tumbled headlong into his apartment with such noise, that he believed the mast had gone by the board, and starting upright in his bed, asked, with all the symptoms of horror, what was the cause of that disturbance? The boy, half stunned by his fall, answered in a dolorous tone, "I'm come to put up the dead- lights." At the mention of dead-lights, the mean- ing of which he did not imderstand, the poor governor's heart died within him, and he shivered with despau-. His recollection forsaking him, he fell upon his knees in the bed, and fixing his eyes upon the book which was in his hand, began to pronounce aloud with great fervour, "The time of a complete oscillation in the cycloid, is to the time in which a body would fall through the axis of the cycloid DV, as the cu-cuml'erence of a circle to its diameter." He would in all likelihood have proceeded with the demonstration of this proposition, had he not been seized with such a qualm, as compelled him to drop the book, and accommodate himself to the emergency of his distemper ; he therefore stretched himself at full 26o THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. length, and, putting up ejaculiitions to Heaven, began to prepare himself for liis latter end, wlien all of a sudden the noise above was intermitted ; and, as be could not conceive the cause of this tremendous silence, he imagined that either the nrtn were washed overboard, or that, despairing of "safety, they had ceased to oppose the tempest. While lie was harrowed by this miserable un- certainty, which, however, was not altogether unenlightened by some scattered rays of hope, tiie master entered the cabin ; then he asked, witli a voice half extinguished by fear, how matters went upon deck ; and the skipper, with a large bottle of brandy applied to his mouth, answered in a hollow tone, "All's- over now, master." Upon which Mr. Jolter, giving himself over for lost, exclaimed with the utmost horror, "Lord have mercy upon us! Christ have mercy upon us ! " aTid repeated this supplication as it were mechanically, until the master undeceived him, by explaining the meaning of what he had said, and assuring him that the squall was over. Such a sudden transition from fear to joy occa- sioned a violent agitation both in his mind and body ; and it was a full quarter of an hour before he recovered the right use of his organs. By this time the weather cleared up, the wind began to blow again from the right corner, and the spires of Calais appeared at the distance of five leagues ; so that the countenances of all on board were lighted up with joyous expectation ; and Pere- ne, ventiu-ing to go down into the cabin, com- ad his governor with an account of the happy turn of their affairs. Jolter, transported with the thoughts of a speedy landing, began to launch out in praise of that country for which they were bound. He observed that France was the land of politeness and hospitality, which were conspicuous in the behaviour of all ranks and degrees, from the peer to the peasant ; that a gentleman and a foreigner, far from being insulted and imposed upon by the lower class of people, as in England, was treated ■with the utmost reverence, candour, and respect ; that their fields were fertile, their climate pure and healthy, their farmers rich and industrious, and the subjects in general the happiest of men. He would have prosecuted this favourite theme still farther, had not his pupil been obliged to run upon deck, in consequence of certain warn- ings he received from his stomach. The skipper seeing his condition, very honestly reminded nira of the cold ham and fowls, with a basket of wine, which ho had ordered to be sent on board, and asked if he would have the cloth laid below. He could not liave chosen a more seasonable opportunity of manifesting his own disinterestedness. Peregrine made wry faces at the mention of food, bidding him, for Christ's sake, talk no more on that subject. He then descended into the cabin, and put the same ques- tion to Mr. Jolter, who, he knew, entertained the same abhorrence for his proposal ; and, meeting with the like reception from him, went between decks, and repeated his courteous proffer to the valet-de-chambre and lacquey, who lay sprawling in all the pangs of a double evacuation, and re- jected his civility with the most horrible loath- ing. Thus ballled in all his kind endeavours, he ordered his boy to secure the provision in one of his own lockers, according to the custom of the ship. It bein'g low-water when they arrived on the French coast, the vessel could not enter the har- bour, and they were obliged to bring to, and wait for a boat, which in less than half an hour came alongside from the shore. Mr, Jolter now came ujjon deck, and snulling up the French air with .symptoms of infinite satisfaction, asked of the boatmen (with the friendly appellation of Mea enfans) what they demanded for transporting liim and his pupil, with their baggage, to the pier. But how was he ilisconcerted, when those polite, candid, reasonable watermen demanded a louis d'or for that service ! Peregrine, with a sarcastic sneer, observed, that he already began to perceive the justice of his encomiums on the French ; and the disappointed governor could say nothing in his own vindication, but that they were debauched by their intercourse with the inhabitants of Dover, liis pupil, however, was so much offended at their extortion, that he absolutely refused to employ them, even when they abated one half in their demand, and swore he would stay on board till the packet should be able to enter the harbour, rather than encourage such imposition. The master, who, in all probalnlity, had some sort of fellow-feeling with the boatmen, in vain represented that he could not with safety lie to, or anchor upon a lee-shore ; our hero having con- sulted Pipes, answered, that lie had hired his vessel to transport him to Calais, and that he would oblige him to perform what he had under- taken. The skipper, very much mortified at this per- emptory reply, which was not over and above agreeable to Mr. Jolter, dismissed the boat, not- withstanding the solicitations and condescension of the watermen. Kunning a little farther in shore, they came to an anchor, and waited till there was water enough to float them over the bar. Then they stood into the harbour, and our gentleman, with his attendants and baggage, were landed on the pier by the sailors, whom he liber- ally rewarded for their trouble. He was immediately plied by a great number of porters, who, like so many huugiy wolves, laid hold on his luggage, and began to carry it oflf piecemeal, without his order or direction. Incensed at this officious insolence, he com- manded them to desist, with many oaths and opprobrious terms that his anger suggested ; and, perceivingthat one of them did not seem to pay any regard to what he said, but marched ofl" with his burden, he snatched a cudgel out of his lacquey's hand, and, overtaking the fellow in a twinkling, brought him to the groimd with one blow. He was instantly surrounded by the whole congrega- tion of this canaille, who resented the injury which their brother had sustained, and would have taken immediate satisfaction of the aggres- sor, had not Pipes, seeing his master involved, brought the whole crew to his assistance, and exerted himself so manfully, that the enemy were obliged to retreat with many marks of defeat, and menaces of interesting the commandant in their quarrel. Jolter, who knew and dreaded the power of the French governor, began to shake with apiirehension, when he heard theu' repeated threats ; but they durst not apply to this magis- trate, who, upon a fair representation of the case, would have punished them severely for their rapacious and insolent behaviour. Pere- grine, without further molestation, availed him- self of his own attendants, who shouldered his baggage, and followed him to the gate, where they were stopped by the sentinels, until their names should be registered. Mr. Jolter, who had undergone this examina- tion before, resolved to profit by his experience, and cunningly represented his pupil as a young English lord. This intimation, supported by the appearance of his equipage, was no sooner communicated to the oflicer, than he turned out THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE. 261 the guard, aucl ordered Lis soldiers to rest upon tlieir arms, while his lordship passed in great state to the Lion d' Argent, where he took up his lodgings for the night, resolving to set out for Paris next morning in a post-chaise. The governor triumphed greatly in this piece of complaisance and respect with wliich they had been honoured, and resumed his beloved topic of discourse, in applauding the method and subor- dination of the French government, which was better calculated for maintaining order, and pro- tecting the people, than any constitution upon earth. Of their courteous attention to strangers, there needed no other proof than the compliuieut which had been paid to them, together with the governor's connivance at Peregiine's employing his o\vn servants in carrying the baggage to the inn, contrary to the privilege of the inhabitants. While he expatiated with a remarkable degree of self-indulgence on this subject, the valet-de- chambre coming into the room, interrupted his harangue, by telling his master that their trunks and portmanteaus must be carried to the custom- house, in order to be searched, and sealed with lead, which must remain untouched until their arrival at Paris. Peregrine made no objection to this practice, ■which was in itself reasonable enough ; but when he Tinderstood that the gate was besieged by another multitude of porters, who insisted upon their right of carrying the goods, and also of fix- ing their own price, he absolutely refused to comply with their demand. Nay, he chastised some of the most clamorous among them with his foot, and told them that if their custom-house officers had a mind to examine his baggage, they might come to the inn for that pui-pose. The valet-de-chambre was abashed at this boldness of his master's behaviour, which the lacquey, shrugging up his shoulders, observed, was hiai d VAnglaise; while the governor represented it as an indignity to the whole nation, and endea- voured to persuade his pupil to comply with the custom of the place. But Peregrine's natural haughtiness of disposition hindered him from giving ear to Jolter's wholesome advice; and, in less than half-an-hour, they observed a file of musketeers marching up to the gate. At sight of this detachment the tutor trembled, the valet grew pale, and the lacquey crossed himself ; but our hero, without exhibiting any other symptoms than those of indignation, met them on the threshold, and, with a ferocious air, demanded their business. The corporal, who commanded the file, answered with great deliberation, that he had orders to convey his baggage to the cus- tom-house ; and seeing the trunks standing in the entry, placed his men between them and the o%vner, while the porters that followed took them up, and proceeded to the Douane without opposition. Pickle was not mad enough to dispute the authority of this message ; but, in order to gall, and specify his contempt for those who brought it, he called aloud to his valet, desiring him, in French, to accompany his things, and see that none of his linens and effects should be stolen by the searchers. The corporal, mortified at this satirical insinuation, darted a look of resentment at the author, as if he had been interested for the glory of his nation, and told him that he could perceive he was a stranger in France, or else he would have saved himself the trouble of such a needless precaution. CHAPTER XXXVI. He makes a fruitless Attempt in Gallantry — Departs for Boulogne, where he spends ihe Evening with certain JUnglish Exiles. Having thus yielded to the hand of power, he inquired if there was any otlier Englisli company in the house ; when, understanding that a gentle- man and lady lodged in tlie next apartment, and liad bespoke a post-chaise for Paris, he ordered Pipes to ingratiate himself with their footman, aud, if possible, learn their names and condition, while he and Mr. Jolter, attended by the lacquey, took a turn round the ramparts, aud viewed the particulars of the fortification. Tom was so very successful in his inquiry, that, when his master returned, he was able to give him a satisfactory account of his fellow-lodgers, in consequence of having treated his brother with a bottle of wine. The jjeople in question were a gentleman and his lady, lately arrived from Eng- land, in their way to Paris. The husband was a man of good fortune, who had been a libertine in his youth, aud a professed declaimer against matrimony. He wanted neither sense nor expe- rience, and piqued himself in particidai" upon his art of avoiding the snares of the female sex, in which he pretended to be deejily versed. But, notwithstanding all his caution aud skill, he had lately fallen a sacrifice to the attractions of an oyster wench, who had found means to decoy him into the bands of wedlock ; aud, in order to evade the compliments aud congratulations of his friends and acquaintance, he had come so far on a tour to Paris, where he intended to initi- ate his spouse in the beau moude. In the mean- time he chose to live upon the reserve, because her natui'al talents had as yet received but little cultivation ; aud he had not the most implicit confidence in her virtue and discretion, which, it seems, had like to have yielded to the ad- dresses of an officer at Canterbury, who had made shift to insinuate himself into her acquaintance and favour. Peregi'ine's curiosity being inflamed by this information, he lounged about the yard, in hopes of seeing the dulcinea who had captivated the old bachelor ; and at length, observing her at a window, took the liberty of bowing to her with great' respect. She returned the compliment with a curtsey, and appeared so decent in her dress and manner, that, unless he had been pre- viously informed of her former life and conver- sation, he never would have dreamed that her education was difi'erent from that of other ladies of fashion ; so easy is it to acquire that external deportment on which people of condition value themselves so much. Not but that Mr. Pickle pretended to distinguish a cei-tain vulgar auda- city in her countenance, which in a lady of birth and fortune, would have passed for an agreeable vivacity that enlivens the aspect, and gives poig- nancy to every feature ; but as she possessed a pair of fine eyes, and a clear complexion, over- spread with the glow of health, which never fails of recommending the owner, he could not help gazing at her with desire, and forming the design of making a conquest of her heart. With this view, he sent his compliments to her husband, whose name was Hornbeck, with an intimation that he proposed to set out next day for Paris, and as he understood that he was resolved upon the same journey, he should be extremely glad of his company on the road, if he was not better engaged. Hornbeck, who in all probability did :62 THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT. not chose to accommodato his wife with a squire of our hero's appearance, sent a civil answer to his message, professinj; infinite niortilic:ition at his being unable to embrace the favour of this kind otfer, by reason of the indisposition of his wife, who, he was afraid, would not l)e in a con- dition for some days to bear the fatigue of travel- ling. This rebuif, wliieh Peregrine asrribed to the husband's jealousy, stifled his project in em- bryo ; he ordered his French servant to take a place for himself in the diligence, where all his luggage was stowed, except a small trunk with some linen and other necessaries, that was fixed upon the post-chaise which they hired of the landlord ; and early next morning he and Mr. Joltcr departed from Calais, attended by his valet-de-rliambre and Pipes on horseback. They Tjroccedcd without any accident as far as Bou- logne, where they breakfasted, and visite