ilifornia ;ional ility I LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA ! SAN DIEGO ; I THE CLUB: OR, A GREY CAP FOR A GREEN HEAD. THE CLUB: or, *A Qrey for a Qreen Head. Containing Maxims, Advice & Cautions, 'Being a Dialogue between a Father & Son. and 1756. An edition was also issued 1 A Cap of Gray Hairs for a Green Head. Or, The Father's Council To his Son, an Apprentice in London. To which is added, A Discourse on the worth of A good Name was first published in 1671, the author being described as " Caleb Trench- field" It had reached a fifth edition in 1710, the year before Buckle's first appearance. Puckle is plainly indebted to Trenchfield in several places, be- sides taking Trenchfield's title as the sub-title of his own fourth edition. INTRODUCTION. xxiii from the Torick's Head, Philadelphia, in '795- dfter the fourth edition of 1723, the sale of The Club seems to have declined ; and some of the later editions bear sus- picious indications of being no more than remainders with fresh title-pages. By the end of the century, in spite of the Philadelphia reprint , the book was appar- ently dead, without hope of resurrection. But, in 1817, by a freak of fortune, it was selected by a Mr. Edward Walms- ley, said to be " a gentleman whose taste led him to the love of embellished books,"" as the medium for a series of illustrations by the then all-popular draughtsman on wood, John Thurston. Thurston designed head- and tail-pieces for each of the cha- r abler s, together with a frontispiece ; and these were engraved in facsimile by the best wood-engravers of that time, John 'Thompson ; Bewick's pupils, Nesbit, xxiv INTRODUCTION. White, and Harvey ; the two Branstons ; Hughe 's, burs ton Junr., and Miss Mary Ey field. ct Every line of the drawing " says the preface " is marked out upon the block by the Designer, exattly as it appears upon the paper ; from this deline- ation it is the province of the Engraver to cut out a perfeff and well-wrought re- semblance ; to effect which, great ability is requisite, as the least deviation is irre- mediable, especially when what is techni- cally termed cross hatching occurs, as is fully exemplified in the decoration of this volume" 'The book was printed by John- son of Clerkenwell, the author of Typo- graphia, and issued in several forms. In addition to an ordinary impression of five hundred copies, there were two hundred on large paper ; eighteen on white, and seven on yellow Chinese paper ; seven on satin ; one in various colours (printed on one side); one blue, and one yellow. In 1820 INTRODUCTION. xxv one hundred copies of the illustrations were printed from the original blocks, without the text, and in colours ; and in 1834 the blocks were again used for an edition printed at the Chiswick Press under the superintendence of John 'Thompson. 'This edition is apparently based on the second edition of 1713, and has a Preface by the Shakespearian scholar^ Samuel Weller Singer, which, as already hinted, does not throw any new light upon the book. It contains, besides, several mis-statements, e.g., that the author was living in 1733, whereas be died in 1724; and that his portrait by Cole was first prefixed to the fourth edition of 1723, whereas it was engraved by Vertue in the third edition of 171 3 mis-statements which appear to in- dicate a very superficial acquaintance with the subject. Mr. Singer also professed to copy the title-page of the 1733 edition, but what he gives does not represent that xxvi INTRODUCTION. title-page. Apart from these editorial lapses, the Chiswick Press edition of The Club is well produced and printed. 1 As regards Puckle's Club itself > not very much is required in the way of intro- duction. In this " Dialogue between Father and Son" the son describes to his sire the different personages he has met the night before at the Noah's Ark Tavern. This he does in the manner of Theophras- tuSj or rather in the manner of those imitators of Theophrastus, Butler and Earle. The old gentleman comments sen- tentiously upon each charatler as described) showing preternatural gifts as a discursive 1 // // only right to state that for some of the par- ticulars given above, the Author of this Introduction is indebted to the Bibliographical Notes on a Collection of Editions of the Book known as "Puckle's Club," printed in 1 899 for the Rowfant Club of Cleveland, Ohio, one of whose members, Mr. George W. Kohl- met z, possesses an unrivalled series of copies of Puck le, which was exhibited at the Club House in March, 1 896. INTRODUCTION. xxvii reader, and what Sydney Smith would have called a forty-parson power of improving the occasion. Not only does he quote freely, but he also borrows freely without acknow- ledgment. Thus, when he says at p. 19, " He whose jests make others afraid of his wit, had need be afraid of their memory " he is simply putting into his own words a sentence from Bacon's Essay on "Discourse,'' " Certainly, he that hath a Satyricall vaine, as he maketh others afraid of his Wit, so he had need be afraid of others Memory" This is probably only one of many similar annexations. In- deed, the author admits in the preface to the supplement on " Death " (which, by the way, must have been added not long before his own decease}, that many hints therein " have been borrow 'd, and some whole sections either transcribed or trans- lated from others." " If the physick be proper, no matter what country produced xxviii INTRODUCTION. the ingredients^ nor who made up the dose." 'The result is a hotch-pot of maxims and aphorisms, some of which are wise, some quaint, some shrewd, and some (in- evitably} commonplace. 'The main defeft of the whole may be expressed in a sen- tence of Bacon, of which, as far as we are aware, the compiler has not made use : " Reading good Bookes of Morality, is a little Flat, and Dead." But there can be no doubt of Puckle's unfeigned desire " to expose Vice and Folly ; " and his multi- farious manual certainly deserves the dis- tich contributed to the third edition by an admirer (H. Denne} : " Quanta Seges Rerum! parva patet Orbh in Urbe ; Et patet in Libra, B IBLIOTHECJ, Tuo." Which has been thus Englished : " In a small City as the World 's displayed; So in thy BooKs large store, a Library 'i convey'd ! AUSTIN DOB SON. , Oftober, 1900. O R, A G RET-C^ P, FORA GREEN-HEAD, IN A DIALOGUE Between jfattjer and In 'vino veritas. The FOURTH EDITION, with Additions. L O ND ON, .Printed for EDWARD SYMON, at the Corner of Popes-Head- Alley, Corn- hill. 1723. DEDICATION. TRADE is the fountain whence we draw our nourishment, dispersing that blood and spirits thro' all the members, by which the body politic subsists. His majesties revenue, our merchants, our mariners, our shipping, the price of our lands, the value of our rents, produfts and manufactures, do all wax and wain with trade. How highly then doth the plenty, ease, and safety, of prince and people depend upon the vigilance and industry of the honest merchant. About anno 1680, Mr. Le Gendre, of Rouan, paid fifteen thousand pounds in one year for cus- toms; whereupon the French king made him a Nobleman. Messieurs Micajah Perry, Thomas Lane, and Richard Perry, of London, (Virginia) Merchants, paid in annis 1698 and 1699, above two hundred and sixty thousand pounds Sterling, to the Crown of England, for Duties and Customs. 4 DEDICATION. Now, all things necessary for the use and orna- ment, pleasure and safety of mankind, (food ex- cepted) being exported hence in purchase of Tobacco, to how many Thousand Artificers, Mechanics, Tradesmen, Mariners, &c., must those great Co-partners have afforded livelyhoods. In an Age so famous for building Monuments to Poets, is nothing due to Persons who employ'd their Time so much to the Advantage of King and Country. O utinam, utinam Power to erecl Statues to those three Worthies. But, since, when the Tabernacle was to be made, the willing-hearted, who had no JEWELS, GOLD, SILVER, SILK, PURPLE, or like precious things, might offer SKINS, GOATS HAIR, things of small value, and be accepted. TO The Illustrious memory of Micajah Perry, AND j-Esqs. Thomas Lane, AND Mr. Richard Perry, Deceased DEDICATION. 5 Whose Consummate wisdom, Matchless in- dustry, and Perfect honesty, so justly made them Live Beloved, and Die Lamented, The following Essay is Gratefully Inscribed, BY JAMES PUCKLE. TAIL PIECE TO MOROSO. TAIL PIECE TO OPINIATOR. PREFACE. DIANAS Temple (at Ephesus) being burnt that Night Alexander was born, One said, 'Twas no Wonder, for She was then a Gossiping at Pella: Which Tully commends as a witty Conceit, and Plutarch condemns as a witless Jest. Who then can expeft Hints of this Nature shou'd (like the Manna] please every Palate ? If they help to set Youth a Thinking, The End is answer 1 d. Go, little book, show to the fool his face, The knave his pidlure, and the sot his case : Tell to each youth, what is, and what's not fit, Teach, such as want, sobriety, and wit. CHARACTERS. Antiquary, Buffoon. Critic. Detractor. Envioso. Flatterer. Gamester. Hypocrite. Impertinent. Knave. Lawyer. Moroso. Newsmonger. Opiniator. Projeftor. Quack. Rake. Swearer. Traveller. Usurer. Wiseman. Xantippe. Youth. '' Zany the vintner. These characters being meerly intended to expose vice and folly; let none pretend to a key; nor seek for another's picture, lest he find his own. For, i capit ille facit. A DIALOGUE Between jFatber and >on. WHAT made you out so late last night ? 2. <&0tt. Mr. - invited me to his club at the Noah's ark, where, in a low room, that stunk like a drunkard's morning breath, several sat round the fire, complaining of gouts, dropsies, consumptions, pleurisies, palsies, rheumatisms, catarrhs, &c. till more company coming in, cry'd, to the table, to the table, where one began his right hand man's good health, over the left thumb, which having gone round the next was begun, and so they drank on till each had pledg'd every man's health in the room. 3. .jFfttfjCt. Many cups, many diseases. Too much oil choaks the lamp. io THE CLUB. 4,. Drinking healths according to St. Austin 1 was invented by pagans and infidels, who in their sacrifices consecrated them to the honour, name, and memory of Beel-ze-bub. But 5. Supposing health-drinking only a well-wishing, custom having made not pledging a kind of affront, and wrong, to both toaster and toasted ; and fear of offending carrying with it the force, tho' not the form, of a constraint. Health-drinking in- fringes king Ahasuerus's royal law, 2 tends to ex- cess, and is not expedient. 6. But what followed ? for wine immoderately taken makes men think themselves wondrous wise. 7 SjOlt. Most of them became like Solomon's fool, full of words. 3 8. JpSLtyW. What was 't they said ? 9. SjOlt. E'en what came uppermost ; for as wine laid reason asleep, each gave the reins to his vanity and folly. For instance. 1 De Tern. Ser. 231. 2 Esther i. 8. 3 Eccl. io. 14. ANTIQUARY. 10. ONE affefting to be thought a mighty antiquary declared himself an idolater of ages past, and told us, 11. That the Egyptians were fam'd for sublime thoughts Chaldeans for sciences Greeks for eloquence and Romans for polite stile. 12. That he almost adored Marcilius Ficinus, for collecting out of many mouldy and worm-eaten transcripts, the semi-divine labours of Plato Co- pernicus, for rescuing from the jaws of oblivion, the almost extincl astrology of Samius Aristarchus Lucretius, for retrieving the lost physiology of iz THE CLUB. Empedocles Magenus, for raising the ghost of Democritus Marsenius, for explaining many pro- blems of Archimed and Gassendus, for rebuilding Epicurus, &c. &c. &c. 13. That he had observed, that philosophy, as well as nature, continually declined ; and now the world was arrived at its dotage, the minds of men suffered a sensible decay of clarity ; wherefore he scorn'd to read any book less than an hundred years old. 14. That he was a great admirer of antient coins, and manuscripts, which if effaced, or obliterated by time, in his opinion, were still the more valuable. 15. By the rest of his discourse he seem'd to esteem every thing as Dutchmen do cheese, the better for being mouldy. 1 6. jFatijft* Affectation of any kind is lighting up a candle to our defects, and shews want of judg- ment or sincerity. 17. The great actions of the antients, are apt to beget our veneration ; those of the moderns, as they school and reproach us, excite our envy. 1 8. Learning and civility were indeed derived down to us from the eastern parts of the world ; there it was mankind arose, and there they first discovered the ways of living with safety, convenience, and delight. ANTIQUARY. 13 19. The original of astronomy, geometry, govern- ment, and many sorts of manufactures we now en- joy, are justly attributed to the Assyrians, Chaldeans, and Egyptians. 20. Orpheus, Linus, Musaeus, and Homer, first softned men's natural rudeness, and by the charms of their numbers allur'd them to be instrufted by the severer doftrines of Solon, Thales, and Pytha- goras. 21. Jn Greece, the city of Athens was the general school, and seat of education. 22. Socrates began to draw into some order the confused and obscure imaginations of those that went before him, and to adapt all parts of philo- sophy, to the immediate service of the affairs of men, and uses of life. 23. With the Grecian empire their arts also were transported to Rome, where the doclrines received from the Greeks were eloquently translated into the Latin tongue. Yet " Antiquitas s0lt. A SPLENETIC Detractor, excellent at mis- representing, mis-understanding, and mis-interpret- ing his neighbour's thoughts, words, and actions, made it his business to raise false reports, or by repeating others lies to adopt 'em his own. 69. He dealt much in malicious insinuations, and in sinister and covert reflections ; uttering his calumnies and slanders in such ambiguous words, and half sentences, as left worse to be guess'd at than he durst express. 70. All his stories began with a 'tis whisper'd, or an 24 THE CLUB. I have heard, &c. And he never seconded a com- mendation, but meerly to smooth the way to some malicious remarks upon the party's defects, con- cluding still with an, oh ! but ; or an, I could wish one thing amended, which one thing he took care should blur all his former commenda- tions. 71. When by the party's presence his tongue hap- pen'd to be bound to its good behaviour, his mien, eyes, tone of voice, malicious smiles, mysterious silence, or equivocal and ill-meaning expressions, discover'd the rancour of his envenom'd mind. 72. Where he knew nothing of a person he'd seem to speak riddles, as if he cou'd tell strange stories if he wou'd ; and after racking his invention to the utmost, cry, but he is my friend, and therefore I must hold my peace. 73. He had ever an envidious eye upon the clergy, and men eminent for vertue, watching their halt- ing, and if any the least obliquity could be spy'd, used them worse than the vilest malefactors. 74. At length Wiseman, who was come to see Youth his kinsman, asked the difference between smiting with the sword, and a killing tongue : whereat Detractor being dumb-founded, threw down his club, and left the room. DETRACTOR. 25 75- dFfltf)E. Be not an Argus abroad, and a Mole at home. Think it no part of your business curiously to search into other men's lives, but nar- rowly inspecl your own errors. It 's much better to mend one fault in your self, than to find an hundred in your neighbour. 76. 'Tis a maxim in herauldry, that all animals born in arms, or ensigns, are to be interpreted according to their most innocent and noble qualities : As, if a lyon be the charge of an escutcheon, valour and watchfulness are thereby represented, not cruelty and rapine ; and if a serpent, not venom and malice, but wisdom and subtilty. 77. Christianity teaches us the same rule in blazon- ing our neighbours characters ; and Solomon tells us l He that uttereth a slander is a fool. 78. Yet, alas ! some can no more live a day without calumny and detraction, than Mithridates cou'd without poison ; but like the looking-glasses in the temple of Smirna, represent the fairest and best featured face, exceeding ugly and deformed ; with- out considering, that whoso sells his neighbour's credit at a low rate, makes the market for others to buy his own at the same price. 1 Prov. 10. 18. 26 THE CLUB. 79. Give no ear to such as seek to purchase your favour by malevolent reports. 80. Officious tale-bearers are a pest to government, conversation, societies, relations, and families. 8 1. What mischief is 't the craft and subtilty of a double tongue cannot work upon a credulous fool ? 82. Plautus says, Tale-bearers ought to be hung up by the tongue ; tale-hearers by the ears. 83. One begins a whisper, another makes it a report, a third enlarges it to a dangerous calumny, a fourth adds somewhat of his own, which is augmented and divulg'd by a thousand. 84. " On eagle's wings immortal scandals fly, While vertuous aflions are but born, and die." 85. He whose guilty conscience reflects dismal images of himself, is willing to put the like ugly shape upon others, and to conclude all men the same, were they closely inspected ; and when he can see but the least glimmering of a fault, takes it as a proof of his hypothesis, and with an envious joy, calls in as many spectators as he can. 86. The mischief is, mankind being apter to believe evil than good, even doubtful accusations leave a DETRACTOR. 27 stain behind them, and often prove indelible in- juries to the party accused. 87. Believe nothing against another, but upon good authority ; neither report what may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to conceal it. Go on. ENVIOSO. 88. 5?0n. A PALE, lean, ghastly carcass, quickened with envy, that would have willingly lost one eye, so his fellow might lose both, was still putting in caveats against mens good thoughts of others ; and had a tongue so like Detractor's, his mouth was ever full of obloquy. 89. His neighbour's welfare, or his own woe, caused the like sowrness in his looks. 90. His mind had the vapours, a sweet report of any raised in him the like passions ugly women have, when the beautiful are courted in their pre- ENVIOSO. 29 sence, and would throw him into convulsions and agonies. 91. Commend a good divine, he'd cry hypocrisy; a philologer, pedantry; a poet, rhiming; a school- man, dull wrangling; a sharp conceit, roguishness ; an honest man, plausibility : Or, indeed, commend any, but himself, and he was still furnished with a pish, before-hand. 92. The news of his kinsman being prefer'd at court mortified him extreamly; the more it was talk'd of, the more waspish he grew : say what you would, either the place was not fit for the man, or the man for the place. 93. Mean while that gentleman entring the room, the extreme violence Envioso did his nature, in paying a hollow gratulation, set all the company a laughing. 94. jFatfjft. Envy is a common disease, as old as Cain, and almost natural to us ; scarce two great scholars in an age, but with bitter inveftives fall foul on each other, and their adherents : Scotists, Thomists, Reals, Nominals, Plato and Aristotle, Galenists and Paracelsians, &c. It holds in all professions, producing wrath, grief, detraction, dis- dain, murmuring, hatred, &c. 95. " Invidia est umbra virtutis." 30 THE CLUB. 96. Theraistocles being young, said, He had not yet done any notable thing, because he was not envied. 97. Plutarch tells us, That upon Aristides's banish- ment, a plebeian who had moved for ostracism, being asked what displeasure Aristides had done him, answered none, neither do I know him ; but it grieves me to hear every body call him a just man. 98. Against envy furnish your self with divine pre- cepts. 1 Balance your heart with love, charity, meekness, and patience. 99. Be content with your condition. Say with holy Jacob, Lord, 1 am not worthy of the least of all thy mercies; 2 and pray often in the voice of the church, From envy, hatred, and malice, good Lord deliver us. Go on. 1 Rom. 13. 13. Gal. 5. 21. i Pet. 2. i. 2 Gen. 32. 10. FLATTERER. 100. >QVi. A FLATTERER, with a fleering counten- ance, that had an Art of making fools madmen, seem'd to dedicate all his faculties to the service of a youth that sat next him, whose mien, strength, courage, wit, or estate, were ever the subjects of his talk ; which was always full of wondering interjeftions, and superlative titles, accompanied with such an excess of good words, as people generally use to cover something that is to gain admittance under a disguise. 101. His cunning consisted much in fanning youth's 32 THE CLUB. vanity to a flame, by setting him at every turn a talking of himself; to which discourse, how im- pertinent soever, Wheedle gave an applausive attention, still throwing praises in Youth's way, and never finding any fault with him but for his vertues : As, dear sir, you are too good, too just, too honest, &c. 1 02. JpatijPt. Praise makes a wise man modest, a fool arrogant. But 103. Flattery is compounded of the most sordid hateful qualities incident to mankind, viz. lying, servility, and treachery. 104. A man that flatters his neighbour spreads a net for his feet. 1 105. " Mel in ore, verb a la ft is, Pel in corde,fraus in faftis" 1 06. A pretence of kindness is the universal stale to all base projects ; by it men are robbed of their fortune, women of their honour. 107. This every one knows, and that a supine credu- lous facility exposes us at once to be a prey and a laughing-stock ; yet the heart has no avenue so open to any thing as to flattery, which, like some enchantment, lays all its guards asleep. 1 Prov. 29. 5. FLATTERER. 33 1 08. He that reviles me, it may be, calls me fool ; but he that flatters me, if I take not good heed, will make me so. 109. When flatter'd remember the Spanish proverb. no. " Men fa la cola el can No par //, sino par el pan" 111. The dog wags his tail, not for thee but for the bread. 112. If we did not flatter ourselves, the flattery of others could do us little harm. Go on. GAMESTER. 11 3- <&0n* ONE that, after losing his patrimony, had, for setting his friends and companions, been taught cards and dice ; to sleep a days, and how to diet and prepare his body, so as to quaff whole nights without being drunk, or drousy, came past ten a clock, well dress'd and powder'd, to enquire for Knave at the club. 114. Gamester was a pretty fellow, much upon the compliment, and his discourse agreeable enough to such as delighted in frothy and idle tales ; but his old acquaintance being stript, or shy, Knave, GAMESTER. 35 it seems, was to go snacks for introducing to new. 115. These brethren in iniquity using finger-shade, mouth-spirt, or shoulder-dash, drank little 'till the company grew mellow, but then would not suffer the glass to stand still, continually toasting, or call- ing for new healths. 1 1 6. About eleven Knave whisper'd the drawer to place cards and candles on the little table ; to which removing, Buffoon, Critic, and Gamester follow'd, and to whisk they went. 117. At first Buffoon and Critic being suffered to win, high tides of joy o'erflow'd their faces; but shortly after Knave and Gamester stripping them of all their money, rings, and watches, from the gulphs of despair in their aspects, Angelo might have finish'd his famous piece of the last judgment. 1 1 8. JpatJjtft. The Olympic and other games of Greece, were instituted merely for honour and exercise ; but now play renders a man incapable of prosecuting any serious matters, success lifting him up to the top of mad joy, or misfortune plunging him to the bottom of despair : And generally speaking, play finds a man a cully, and leaves him a knave, and is a means to rob those that use it of time, money, and conscience. 36 THE CLUB. 119. The learned Puffendorf observes, That for an equality in gaming, it 's not only requisite the ven- ture on each side should be equal, but also the danger of losing and probability of winning should bear proportion to the thing contended for, viz. In a game that depends upon skill, if one man is twice as skilful as the other, it is fit he should lay down a double stake. Now 1 20. Considering that gamesters, like Solomon's wicked man, 1 wink with their eyes, speak with their feet, and teach with their fingers. And 121. Considering all their combinations and tricks, to make their bubbles drunk, very drunk, and then to put upon them, suppose at Putt. 122. The bent, 2 the slick, 3 the breef, 4 the spur. 6 123. Guess then the numbers of frauds there are at 1 Prov. 6. 13. 2 Bending one, to know where to cut a good Putt-card. 3 When all the Putt-cards are so slick'd, that by laying the fore-finger indifferently hard upon the top of the pack, and giving a slurring jerk, the cutter secures the smooth card to himself. 4 Of these there be two sorts, of the one the edges, of the other the ends, of all the Putt-cards, are cut a little narrower or shorter than the rest; so that by lightly setting off, either at the sides or ends, according as such cards are breef'd, a Putt- card is always secured. 5 Marking Putt-cards on the edge with the nail, as they come to hand, the better to know them again. GAMESTER. 37 Picquet, Gleck, Lantreloo, Bankafalet, Primero, Basset, Cribbidge, and all the rest of the games upon the cards. 124. At dice they have The doftors, 1 the fulloms, 2 loaded dice, 3 flats, 1 bars, 5 cuts, 6 high slip, 7 low slip, 8 chain dice, 3 &c. 125. That besides false dice, there are several sorts 1 Of these are two sorts, one to run high, without aces or deuxes, each die having two cinqs and two sixes ; and the other to run low, which have no cinqs nor sixes, but each of them two deuxes and two aces. 2 Of these are divers sorts ; some all sixes, all cinqs, and all quaters, all trays, all deuxes, or all aces ; others that have only two sixes, two cinqs, and two quaters ; and others that are to run low have only two trays, two deuxes, and two aces. 3 Dice that have all the six faces, yet will run either aces, deuxes, or trays, or else quaters, cinqs, or sixes, as they are high or low poized. 4 Dice flatter than they are long, to throw trays and quaters. 5 Dice longer than they are flat, of which sharpers have several sorts, whereby they avoid throwing any two numbers they please, the ends rarely or never coming up. B Dice made out of square, so as to run high or low at pleasure. 7 Dice with their edges polished off, so as to make them run high. 8 Ditto so as to make them run low. 9 Dice link'd together so as to rattle in the box, yet close enough to hide the chain } they'll only run seven or eleven, or eight or twelve. 38 THE CLUB. of false boxes, some whereof are smooth, yet so well painted and shaddowed within, as to look as if they were screw'd ; and generally are half-board wide at top, and narrow at bottom, that the dice may lay flat, and slide out without tumbling round. 1 26. That supposing both box and dice fair, gamesters have the top, 1 the peep, 2 eclipse, 3 thumbing, 4 &c. 127. That by long practice, sharpers can, from con- veniencies in pockets, caps, sleeves, rolls of stock- ings, &c. change cards, and dice, with a deceptio visus, as nimbly as juglers balls from cup to cup. 128. No wonder he that was asked the difference between Aleator and Tesserarum Lusor, answered, the same that there is between Fur and Latro. 129. How strangely infatuated are those, who simply committing their games to meer chance, throw away their estates, and entail want upon their issue. 130. It's a pity such madmen are not restrained 1 Securing one die with the fore-finger at the top of the box. 2 Shaking the dice so forward in the box, that by an apparent face, they know when to clap down, so as to throw the reverse. 3 Securing with the little finger a die on the outside of the box. 4 Ditto with the thumb, when the person play'd with, sits on the right hand. GAMESTER. 39 from ruining their poor innocent wives, children, relations, creditors, dependants, &c. by a law, that if any commoner lose above a hundred pound at a sitting, he shall be deemed a lunatic, and have a commission of lunacy granted against him to his next of kin. Go on. HYPOCRITE. I 3 I - J&Ott. AN Hypocrite, who could bend either in the house of God or Rimmon, declared for moderation, and complained much of mankind's want of charity ; but whilst in the midway between Bethel and Baal, he wrought, mole like, to throw up fears and jealousies to disturb the nation's peace ; 'till growing drunk, he dropt his mask, turn'd all the church party's gnats into camels, and by gross reflections upon the ministry, wounded royal authority, thro' the sides of pretended evil counsellors. HYPOCRITE. 41 132. jFatfjCt. A vertuous man will do that alone in a desart, which the hypocrite would not do, if he thought it would not be known. 133. " Oft under neighboring good vice shrowded lies" 134. Hypocrisy is an homage vice pays to vertue, it speaks all manner of languages, acls all parts, even that of impartiality ; yet nothing is so short liv'd as hypocrisy : Heavy censuring of others for little faults, boasting his own goodness, the unequal beating of the pulse in matters of piety, which are hard, strong, and quick ; in publick adlions, weak, soft, and dull ; in private matters, soon discover the Endor devil in the prophet's mantle. 135. Shun such as are ever fly-blowing peoples ears, to breed maggots in their heads, and filth in their mouths, to bespatter church and state. 136. Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers, for there is no power but of God, the powers that be are ordained of God. 1 137. God ordained, viz. invented and ratified the office, and he appoints, or permits, the person that executes it. 138. " Study thy self, what rank or what degree The wise Creator hath ordain 1 d for thee ; 1 Rom. 13. i. 42 THE CLUB. dnd all the offices of that estate Perform, and with thy prudence guide thy fate" 139. It's extreme impudence in private persons to censure superiours, who standing upon much higher ground, see things in a better light, and aft by motives hid from vulgar eyes. 140. The duty of obeying is no less of divine appoint- ment than the authority of commanding. 141. He that forgets to render tribute to whom tribute, fear to whom fear, and honour to whom honour is due, should do well to remember, Princes have long hands, they catch afar off, and their blows are fatal. 142. Yet, as in Solomon's time, every fool will be medling. 1 Go on. 1 Prov. 20. 3. IMPERTINENT. H3- SjOtt* AN Impertinent, whose breath stunk worse than an old cock's, possess'd with the fury of talking, seem'd to mistake the nose for the ears ; and with the pattering of his lips, frequently be- spatter'd his auditor's face. 144. He was as full of prattle as a swallow, us'd several motions with his head and hands to extort attention, and at the period of every sentence jogg'd and punch'd with his elbows those that sat next him, crying out, Is not this true, sir have I not said right now, sir is not this to the purpose ? 44 THE CLUB. pray, what do you think on 't, sir what 's your judgment of the matter ? 145. If any began to speak, let the subjeft be what it would, he'd shake his head, twinkle his eyes, then snigger, and tell 'em they mistook the thing, but he took it right ; hear him, and he'd make it clear as the sun at noon-day. 146. In telling his tale he'd frequently lose his breath, and before he recover'd it forget his dis- course, and ask what he was going to say, or fall upon some other conceit, quite foreign to his purpose. 147. " But still his tongue ran on, the less Of weight it bore, with greater ease ; And with its everlasting clack Set all men's ears upon the rack" 148. At length stumbling on his wife and children ; is not my wife, quoth he, a lovely woman ; upon my word she has wit at will, 'tis not to be thought how prudently she manages affairs. 149. You never saw in all your life a prettier boy than mine, he has such sweet features, and so many ingenious conceits, that 150. He had gone on, but Moroso interrupted him, by bawling out, sir, sir, Dr. Lock says, troubling company with one's wife and children is so far IMPERTINENT. 45 like laying 'em to the parish, that every one will think himself overburden'd. 151. JpSltyW. Fools were ever full of Egotisms. 152. An insatiate appetite of Tatling exposes and be- trays men to great contradi&ion and reproach, and deprives 'em of the benefit they might reap from the discourse of others. 153. If speech be not material and useful, 'tis tedious and impertinent, especially when people speak with their elbows, or 154. " As Spaniards talk in dialogues Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs T 155. What's folly in the speaker being pain in the hearer ; he that is greedy of speaking is always near being put to silence and shame. But who was the knave you mentioned. 156. Son. MR. KNAVE. told me Knave (formerly a 157 jugler) was now a stock-jobber, and from the black art of selling bear-skins arrived to be one of the Clicque, kept advice-boats, and Laid-horses that brought him news before the post came in, so that he wager'd great sums upon certainties. He was ever plotting and contriving, how by sham letters, lies and stories, to raise and fall stock, as best suited his purpose ; and when he cou'dn't perswade a cully into a bargain, he'd entice him to drink, and strip him at play. KNAVE. 47 158. By these and a thousand other cheats he liv'd upon fools, as naturally as spiders upon flies. j 59. jFatfjet. Stock-jobbing is a sort of worldly policy, consisting of a certain dexterity or art of managing business to a man's secular advantage ; a kind of trick, a slight not to be got by study, but a converse learn'd not from books, but men, and those for the most part the very worst of men of all sorts, ways, and professions. 1 60. What 's acquir'd by tricking and cheating, like the goods of them that die of the plague, commonly brings the pest with it, and like rusty iron, eats out its own substance. 161. Never play the shark upon any, neither take advantage of the ignorance, prodigality, or necessity of another. 162. There is nothing worth being dishonest. Crimes tho' secret are never secure, providence has set up racks and gibbets in the consciences of transgressors, they all carry Cain's fears l about 'em : He that deserves punishment expefts it, and is ever in apprehension until detected; his very sleep is pain- ful, and life a terror. 163. An evil conscience dares assault a Saul on the throne, and a Judas with a bag full of money. 1 Gen. 4. 14. 4 8 THE CLUB. 164. Conscience being witness, judge, and jury, seldom fails to co-operate with divine justice in punishing the criminal. 165. The devil by shewing wretches their sin, but not their Saviour, drives to despair ; which makes many do justice on themselves, for the injustice they have done to others. Go on. LAWYER. 1 66. SOW. A NITT of the law, who made it as much his care and business to create feuds, and animate differences, as the Vestal virgins us'd to maintain the sacred fire, growing drunk boasted himself an attorney. And, 167. That he had a knack of improving trifles, and frivolous contests, into good fat causes, as he call'd 'em. 1 68. That he could set man and wife at variance the first day of their marriage, and parents and children the last moments of their lives. E 50 THE CLUB. 169. That he seldom troubled his head with Coke upon Littleton, the law lay in a little compass ; trials chiefly depended upon evidence, and let him alone to deal with witnesses. 170. In a word, that he could make arrows of any wood, and gain as much by plaintiff, as defend- ant. 171. jFfltl)E Law-suits, like great fires, once kindled, are hard to be extinguished. 172. There goes a story, that two travellers having found an oyster, whilst contending which should have it, up comes a lawyer ; to whom the matter was referr'd, parties heard, Lawyer whipp'd out his knife, open'd the oyster, swallow'd the fish, gave plaintiff and defendant each a shell, and gravely went on his way. 173. " Where suits are traversed there 's so little won That he that conquers is but last undone." 174. When the frog and the mouse cou'dn't make up their quarrel, the kite was umpire. 175. Suppose it possible to fence against combination, subornation, and false evidence, can any be certain the justice of his cause, shall out-weigh the subtilty of his adversary's council ? 176. " Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge, The same cause, several ways adjudge. LAWYER. 51 " Do not some juries give their verdift, As if they felt the cause, not heard it. " And witnesses, like watches, go Just as they're set, too fast or slow" 177. The rich man that attempts at his own charge to make all knaves honest, will quickly see his error, or die a beggar. But the poor fool that rashly engages in a law-suit commits himself to the house of correftion, where he must labour stoutly to pay his fees. 178. In short, whoever flies to a knavish lawyer for succour, as the sheep to the bushes in a storm, must expeft to leave good part of his coat behind him. 179. Yet still they are the quacks in the law, like those in physic, that make the remedy worse than the disease. 1 80. According to the proverb, good right wants good assistance ; and seeing Great Britain affords so many lawyers, whose learning and integrity render 'em the light and wonder of the age, he is doubly a fool that to defend his right applies himself to a scab. But proceed. MOROSO. 181. S>01t. A MOROSE fellow that had neither wit for discourse, breeding for civility, understanding to know it, or patience to learn ; but by pride, obstinacy, and presumption, was forfeited to per- petual ignorance and folly, view'd all things on the wrong side, and ever took them by that handle, or interpreted 'em in that sense, would create him- self and others most uneasiness. 182. He entertain'd the noblest and most affectionate offices of love and respect with a strange careless and inhumane stupidity. MOROSO. 53 183. Speak to him with the greatest precaution, he'd answer with a disdainful smile, or rugged coun- tenance, and harsh words, as if he delighted only in disobliging. 184. Other mens rules he made his exceptions ; and the ill-natured pleasure he took in contradiction, made him a certain negative to whatever was ad- vanced or asserted. 185. He minded little what others said, yet would answer with as much assurance as if he had heard every word. His opinion, like Impertinent's, being ever ready, and ever idle, yet he had as haughty and obstinate a way of maintaining it, as if his ipse dixit had been sufficient to over-rule all the ergo's in the world. 1 86. The more he drank the more insolent he grew, 'till at length his discourse was all positions and definitive decrees, with thus it is, and thus it must be, nor would he humble his authority to prove it, so that you must either submit or quarrel. 1 87. He boasted himself a gentleman, but bore a plain point sanguin * in his arms. 1 88. jFatfjet. The How does much in all things, the air and manner which we too often negleft as 1 The abatement due to a liar. 54 THE CLUB. little things, are frequently what the world judge us by. 189. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility, courtesy, and affability, to be easy of access, to pass by neglefts and offences, especially from inferiors ; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor to be afraid to own those who are un- justly oppressed ; not to domineer over inferiors, nor be resty and disobedient to superiors ; not standing upon his family's name, wealth, honour of his kindred or ancestors, but striving to equal himself with those that began their re- putation in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion. 190. Never affeft being churlish. 191. We ought not to provoke aversion, it will come fast enough. 192. Moroseness, austerity, and roughness of temper, arise from pride, passion, and frowardness. 193. A morose man is a very troublesome companion, and a stranger to the sweetest thing upon earth, viz. the pleasure of pleasing. 194. He is refractory in the most genuine sense of the word, who slighting the general opinion in all things, sets himself up to oppose the inclinations of every one. Yet, I ' MOROSO. 55 195. Some value less, being in the wrong, than to be thought so. 196. " For fools are stubborn in their way, As coins are hardened by ttf allay" 197. Never give your judgment magisterially in things you have no cognisance of. 198. Affectation of powers and faculties that are above us, is vain, unprofitable, and ridiculous. 199. Clash not with every thing you dislike, neither strive to confute every thing you think false, nor formalize upon all the foolery and nonsense you hear ; nor yet be haughty in your dictates, or con- tend pertinaciously in ordinary discourse for your opinion, or for a truth of small consequence. De- clare your reasons with the utmost calmness and modesty, without being the least dogmatical, or shewing by words or actions that you are full of your self. If what you offer be not accepted, defend it not by oaths or wagers, much less give any abusive language to bring people over to your sentiments. 200. Contradiction should awaken our attention, not our passion ; we should hear, and not fly him that contradicts. Our search should be after truth, from what part soever it comes we ought to make it welcome. 56 THE CLUB. 20 1. 'Tis not only ridiculous but unjust to be angry with another because he is not of your opinion. The interest, education, and means by which men attain their knowledge are so very different, that it 's impossible they should all think alike : And he has as much reason to be angry with you, as you with him. 202. Tho' in an argument you happen to have the best end of the staff, appear not puft up with your advantages, but speak with good sense and respect without sharpness or ostentation. 203. Decisive tyrants in conversation never influence the understanding to a conviction, because they manage not the will by a civil way of debating. 204. Fiery disputants seem to mistrust their cause, or their wit, by flying for assistance to clamour and passion. 205. Positiveness oft betrays a man to quarrels, and brings him in the same strait with Balaam's ass, 1 he must fall down flat, or run upon a sword. 206. Avoid such cock-brain'd fools as you would an infectious disease, or an ignoble death. Go on. 1 Num. 22. NEWSMONGER. 2O 7- Soil. A B R by trade, so possess'd by a party, 'twas meerly by chance when he either spoke or believed truth, growing mellow, fell a talking news as part of his profession. 208. Whether he, as usually, invented news, or am- plify'd upon something in an old Gazette, he'd put abundance of circumstances into the scale, to add weight to his narrative ; all which he utter'd with a mysterious air, as if a great arcanum of state, and boldly asserted what he said to be infallible even in its consequences, 58 THE CLUB. 209. As he always begun with news, so he ever ended with detraction. 210. The actions, steps, and designs of this, that, and the other prince, general, minister of state, &c. he affirm'd base, imprudent, or unjust ; but had he had the management of affairs, believe him, things would have succeeded much better. 2II dFfltljer. Vain-glory, or a desire of seeming more knowing than others, is a strong passion ; seeking reformation, advancing knowledge, and the like, is oft the pretence, when seeking applause, insinuating into a party, and vaunting our selves, is the thing. 2 1 2. We should often blush at some of our best words and actions, if the world did but see the motives upon which they were grounded. 213. In matters of news make such abatement as may bear proportion to the character and faction of the relator. 214. " The rabble gather round the man of news, And listen with their mouths some make it, Some tell, some hear, some judge of news, And he that lies most loud, is most believed." 215. The character of a newsmonger is very ridiculous and contemptible ; they generally deal more by con- NEWSMONGER. 59 jefture than almanac-makers, and out-lye Chancery- bills and epitaphs. Yet that such petty-foggers, and retailers of news and politicks, such poor rep- tiles, should before they have learnt so much as to obey, pretend to teach their rulers how to govern, and presume by the baseness of their own genius, to judge of princes, and censure ministers of state, O temporal mores! 216. Beware of busy bodies, and medlers in other mens matters ; their over-zeal, or under -wit, makes 'em apt to talk of things not only unprofit- able, but dangerous to be either spoken or heard. Go on. OPINIATOR. 21 7- OJl. AN Opiniator, so far like Narcissus, he doted more on his own shadow than another's substance, affefted a disdainful singularity in his port, words, and aftions. 218. He knew just enough to excite his pride, but not so much as to cure his ignorance, yet boasted such wonderful insight in the mysteries of art and nature, as if he alone had the monopoly of know- ledge, and that it came into the world and would expire with him. 219. He talked much of his pedigree and arms, ex- OPINIATOR. 61 tolling his ancestors to the skies, telling their afts with more glory than they did 'em, and seem'd to fancy himself so immoveably fix'd upon the pinacle of honour that even baseness itself could not degrade him. 220. Every thing he did, and word he spake, shew'd how intoxicated he was with self-conceit, tho' he had not sense enough to distinguish irony and satyrical praise from sincere and unaffedted com- mendation. 221. The company laugh'd in their sleeves, but thought it not worth while to cure his extravag- ance. 222. jFatfjft. Some talk high, breath flashes, and thunder out big words of their pedigree, &c. as if talking loud, big, and being very positive, were sufficient to make all the world of their opinion. 223. Others take as much pains to perswade the world they have knowledge, as bullies do that they have courage, and generally with the same success, for they seldom deceive any but themselves. 224. Bishop Sanderson observes, wealth, honour, strength, beauty, birth, friends, alliance, authority, power, wit, learning, eloquence, reputation, any trifle, can leaven our thoughts, partial as they are towards our selves, and swell us, and heave us up 62 THE CLUB. above our brethren ; and because we think we do over-top 'em we think we may over-look 'em too, and despise 'em as vulgar and contemptible, &c. 225. To arrogate to our selves more than our due, is the ready way to be deny'd that which else would be confess'd our right. 226. " Pride, of all others, the most dangerous fault, Proceeds from want of sense, and want of thought" 227. Vain-glorious men are the scorn of wise men, the admiration of fools, idols of parasites, and slaves of their own vaunts. 228. The Platonists give seven arguments for humility, (i.) That the spirit of man is light and trouble- some. (2.) His body is brutish and sickly. (3.) He is constant in folly and error, and inconstant in his manners and good purposes. (4.) His labours are vain, intricate, and endless. (5.) His fortune is changeable, and seldom pleasing, never perfect. (6.) His wisdom comes not 'till he is ready to die ; that is, 'till he is past using of it. (7.) His death is certain, always ready, and never far off. 229. 'Tis not birth, wit, riches, or great employments, but the right use of them in the discharge of his duty to God, himself, and neighbours, makes the worthy man. OP1NIATOR. 63 230. To the descendants of noble families, where the spirits have been rarifyed by vertue, and industry, and the blood holds its tincture, as it usually does, through successive generations, our best devoirs are due : Bat what 's nobility it self, if not accom- panied with real goodness ; the honour paid such as usurp their ancestors arms, without inheriting their vertues, belongs to 'em no more than the reverence the good man did to Isis, belong'd to the Ass that carried Her Image. 23 I. " Learn, child, to keep an even state, Whatever scene your care imploys, Amongst the smiles or frowns of fate ; Not mean in grief, nor insolent in joys" 232. Are many above you, turn your eye upon those that are under you : If you have no inferiors, have patience a while, and you shall have no superiors. The Grave requires no Marshal. Go on. PROJECTOR. 2 3 3-