UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORN 
 
 3 1822019453869
 
 
 
 
 

 
 Central University Library 
 
 University of California, San Diego 
 Please Note: This item is subject to recall. 
 
 Date Due 
 
 AUG06 1995 
 
 Cl 39 (7/93) 
 
 UCSD Lt.
 
 /?1/D CANON SWINDELL 
 ~ ERDINGTON VICARAGE 
 
 BIRMINGHAM. 
 
 Colloquies of Erasmus.
 
 The Colloquies 
 of Erasmus. 
 
 TRANSLATED BY 
 
 N. BAILEY 
 
 Edited, with Notes, by the Rev. E. 
 Johnson, M.A. 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 REEVES & TURNER, 196, STRAND. 
 1878.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 Page 
 
 TJie Religious Pilgrimage ....... i 
 
 'I\dvo<f>ayia . . . . . . . . 38 
 
 The Funeral ......... 99 
 
 The Echo . . . .120 
 
 The Unequal Feast . . . . . . . -125 
 
 Of Things and Words ....... 132 
 
 Charon 139 
 
 The Assembly of Grammarians . . . . . .146 
 
 The Unequal Marriage . . . . . . -153 
 
 The Imposture 167 
 
 Cyclops, or the Gospel Carrier . . . . . .169 
 
 The Impertinents, or Cross-Purposes . . . . .178 
 
 The False Knight 181 
 
 The Play of Cockall 192 
 
 The Assembly or Parliament of Women . . . .203 
 Diluculum, or the Early Rising . . . . . .212 
 
 The Sober Feast 221 
 
 The Notable Art 227 
 
 The Sermon, or Merdardus . . . . . . .231 
 
 TJie Lover of Glory ........ 252 
 
 Opulentia Sordida, or the Wealthy Miser . . . .266 
 
 The Seraphick Funeral . . . . . . .281 
 
 Amicitia, or Friendship 300 
 
 Problema, the Problems . . . . . . .316 
 
 The Epicurean ......... 326 
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism . . . -346 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies . . . -357 
 
 Of the Method of Study 375 
 
 Notes 379
 
 The Familiar Colloquies 
 of Erasmus. 
 
 The RELIGIOUS PILGRIMAGE. 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 a Pilgrimage for the Sake of Religion, 
 returns Home full of Superstition. He had paid a 
 Visit to St. James at Compostella, his Wife and 
 Mother-in-Law having obliged him to make a Vow 
 so to do. At that Time People began to be more 
 cold, as to the Worshipping of Saints : For which 
 Cause the Virgin Mary writes an Epistle full of 
 Complaints, of their Worship being neglected. A 
 Miracle of a Knight that was saved by the Help of 
 the Virgin Mary, by opening a little Wicket through 
 which he entred. Of the Virgins Milk. St. Ber- 
 nard is feign d to have suck'd the same Pap of the 
 Virgin Mary, that the Child Jesus did. A new 
 Sort of Jewel call'd the Toad-Stone: The various 
 Natures of Jewels. The Tomb 0/" Thomas Becket 
 at Canterbury. He falls foul on the prodigious 
 Magnificence, Luxury and Wealth of Churches ; 
 and reprehends the Manners and Impieties of Sailors. 
 The Absurdity of Kissing the Reliques of Saints, as 
 Shoes, Slippers, &c. Saints are compared to Sheep. 
 
 MENEDEMUS, OGYGIUS. 
 
 T^fEN. What Novelty is this ? Don't I see my old Neigh- 
 bour Ogygius, that no Body has set their Eyes on this . 
 VOL. II. A
 
 2 Colloquies of Erasrmts. 
 
 six Months ? There was a Report he was dead. It is he, or 
 I'm mightily mistaken. I'll go up to him, and give him his 
 Welcome. Welcome Ogygins. 
 
 Ogy. And well met, Menedemus. 
 
 Men. From what Part of the World came you ? For here 
 was a melancholy Report that you had taken a Voyage to 
 the Stygian Shades. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, I thank God, I never was better in all my Life, 
 than I have been ever since I saw you last. 
 
 Men. And may you live always to confute such vain Re- 
 ports : But what strange Dress is this ? It is all over set off 
 with Shells scollop'd, full of Images of Lead and Tin, and 
 Chains of Straw- Work, and the Cuffs are adorned with Snakes 
 Eggs instead of Bracelets. 
 
 Ogy. I have been to pay a Visit to St. James at Compos- 
 tella, and after that to the famous Virgin on the other Side 
 the Water in England '; and this was rather a Revisit ; for 
 I had been to see her three Years before. 
 
 Men. What ! out of Curiosity, I suppose ? 
 
 Ogy. Nay, upon the Score of Religion. 
 
 Men. That Religion, I suppose, the Greek Tongue taught 
 you. 
 
 Ogy. My Wife's Mother had bound herself by a Vow, that 
 if her Daughter should be delivered of a live Male Child, I 
 should go to present my Respects to St. James in Person, 
 and thank him for it. 
 
 Men. And did you salute the Saint only in your own and 
 your Mother-in-Law's Name ? 
 
 Ogy. Nay, in the Name of the whole Family. 
 
 Men. Truly I am persuaded your Family would have been 
 every Whit as well, if you had never complimented him at 
 all. But prithee, what Answer did he make you when you 
 thanked him ? 
 
 Ogy. None at all ; but upon tendring my Present, he 
 seemed to smile, and gave me a gentle Nod, with this same 
 Scollop Shell. 
 
 Men. But why does he rather give those than any Thing 
 else ?
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 3 
 
 Ogy. Because he has plenty of them, the neighbouring 
 Sea furnishing him with them. 
 
 Men. O gracious Saint, that is both a Midwife to Women 
 in Labour, and hospitable to Travellers too ! But what new 
 Fashion of making Vows is this, that one who does nothing 
 himself, shall make a Vow that another Man shall work ? 
 Put the Case that you should tie yourself up by a Vow that 
 I should fast twice a Week, if you should succeed in such 
 and such an Affair, do you think I'd perform what you had 
 vowed ? 
 
 Ogy. I believe you would not, altho' you had made the 
 Vow yourself : For you made a Joke of Fobbing the Saints 
 off. But it was my Mother-in-Law that made the Vow, and 
 it was my Duty to be obedient : You know the Temper of 
 Women, and also my own Interest lay at Stake. 
 
 Men. If you had not performed the Vow, what Risque 
 had you run ? 
 
 Ogy. I don't believe the Saint could have laid an Action 
 at Law against me ; but he might for the future have stopp'd 
 his Ears at my Petitions, or slily have brought some Mis- 
 chief or other upon my Family : You know the Humour of 
 great Persons. 
 
 Men. Prithee tell me, how does the good Man St. James 
 do ? and what was he doing ? 
 
 Ogy. Why truly, not so well by far as he used to be. 
 
 Men. What's the Matter, is he grown old ? 
 
 Ogy. Trifler ! You know Saints never grow old. No, but 
 it is this new Opinion that has been spread abroad thro' the 
 World, is the Occasion, that he has not so many Visits made 
 to him as he used to have ; and those that do come, give him 
 a bare Salute, and either nothing at all, or little or nothing 
 else ; they say they can bestow their Money to better Pur- 
 pose upon those that want it. 
 
 Men. An impious Opinion. 
 
 Ogy. And this is the Cause, that this great Apostle, that 
 used to glitter with Gold and Jewels, now is brought to the 
 very Block that he is made of, and has scarce a Tallow 
 Candle.
 
 4 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Men. If this be true, the rest of the Saints are in Danger 
 of coming to the same Pass. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, I can assure you, that there is a Letter handed 
 about, which the Virgin Mary herself has written about this 
 Matter. 
 
 Men. What Mary ? 
 
 Ogy. She that is called Maria a Lapide. 
 
 Men. That's up towards Basil, if I am not mistaken ? 
 Ogy. The very same. 
 
 Men. You talk of a very stony Saint But who did she 
 write it to ? 
 
 Ogy. The Letter tells you the Name. 
 
 Men. Who did she send it by ? 
 
 Ogy. An Angel, no Doubt, who laid it down in the Pulpit, 
 where the Preacher, to whom it was sent, took it up. And 
 to put the Matter out of all Doubt, you shall see the original 
 Letter. 
 
 Men. Do you know the Angel's Hand, that is Secretary 
 to the Virgin Mary ? 
 
 Ogy. Well enough. 
 
 Men. By what Token ? 
 
 Ogy. I have read St. Bede's Epitaph, that was engraven 
 by the same Angel, and the Shape of the Letters are ex- 
 actly the same; and I have read the Discharge sent to St. 
 ALgidius, and they agree exactly. Do not these prove the 
 Matter plain enough ? 
 
 Men. May a Body see it ? 
 
 Ogy. You may, if you'll damn your Soul to the Pit of 
 Hell, if ever you speak on't 
 
 Men. 'Tis as safe as if you spoke it to a Stone. 
 
 Ogy. But there are some Stones that are infamous for 
 this, that they can't keep a Secret. 
 
 Men. If you can't trust to a Stone, speak to a Mute then. 
 
 Ogy. Upon that Condition I'll recite it to you ; but prick 
 up both your Ears. 
 
 Men. I have done so. 
 
 Ogy. Mary the MotJier of Jesus to Glaucoplutus sendeth
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 5 
 
 Greeting. This is to let you know, that I take it in good Part, 
 and you have much obliged me, in that you have so strenuously 
 followed Luther, and convinced the World, that it is a Thing 
 altogether needless to invoke Saints : For, before this Time, I 
 was een wearied out of my Life ivith the wicked Importuni- 
 ties of Mortals. Every Thing was asked of me, as if my Son 
 was always a Child, because he is painted so, and at my Breast, 
 and therefore they take it for granted I have him still at my 
 Beck, and that he dares not deny me any Thing I ask of him, 
 for Fear I should deny him the Bubby when he is thirsty. Nay, 
 and they ask such Things from me a Virgin, that a modest 
 young Man would scarce dare to ask of a Bawd, and which I 
 am ashamed to commit to Writing. A Merchant that is going 
 a Voyage to Spain to get Pelf, recommends to me the Chastity 
 of his kept Mistress ; and a professed Nun, having throivn 
 away her Veil, in Order to make her Escape, recommends to me 
 the Care of her Reputation, which she at the same Time intends 
 to prostitute. TJie wicked Soldier, who butchers Men for Mo- 
 ney, bawls out to me with these Words, O Blessed Virgin, send 
 me rich Plunder. The Gamester calls out to me to give him 
 good Luck, and promises I shall go Snips with him in what 
 he sJiall win ; and if the Dice don't favour, I am rail' d at and 
 curs X because I would not be a Confederate in his Wicked- 
 ness. The Usurer prays, Help me to large Interest for my 
 Money ; and if I deny 'em any Thing, they cry out, I am no 
 Mother of Mercy. And there is another Sort of People, whose 
 Prayers are not properly so wicked, as they are foolish : The 
 Maid prays, Mary, give me a handsome, rich Husband ; tJie 
 Wife cries, Give me fine Children ; and the Woman with 
 Child, Give me a good Delivery ; the old Woman prays to 
 live long without a Cough and Thirst ; and the doting old 
 Man, Send tJiat I may grow young again ; the Philosopher 
 says, Give me tJie Faculty of starting Difficulties never to be 
 resolv'd ; the Priest says, Give me a fat Benefice ; the Bishop 
 cries out for tJie Saving of his Diocese ; and the Mariner for 
 a prosperous Voyage ; the Magistrate cries out, Shew me thy 
 Son before I die ; the Courtier, That he may make an effectual
 
 6 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Confession, when at tJie Point of Death ; the Husbandman 
 calls on me for seasonable Rain ; and a Farmer's Wife, to 
 preserve tier Sheep and Cattle. If I refuse them any Thing, 
 then presently I am hard-hearted. If I refer them to my Son, 
 they cry, If you'll but say the Word, I'm sure /te' II do it. How 
 is it possible for me a lone Body, a Woman, and a Virgin, to 
 assist Sailors, Soldiers, Merchants, Gamesters, Brides and 
 Bridegrooms, Women in Travail, Princes, Kings, and Pea- 
 sants ? And what I have mentioned is the least Part of what 
 I suffer. But I am much less troubled with these Concerns now 
 than I have been, for which I would give you my hearty Thanks, 
 if this Conveniency did not bring a greater Inconveniency along 
 with it. I have indeed more Leisure, but less Honour, and less 
 Money. Before, I was saluted Queen of the Heavens, and Lady 
 of the World ; but now there are very few, from whom I hear 
 an Ave-Mary. Formerly I was adorned with Jewels and Gold, 
 and had Abundance of Changes of Apparel ; I /tad Presents 
 made me of Gold and Jewels ; but now I have scarce Haifa 
 Vest to cover me, and that is Mouse-eaten too : And my yearly 
 Revenue is scarce enough to keep alive my poor Sexton, who 
 lights me tip a little Wax or Tallow Candle. But all these 
 Things might be born with, if you did not tell us, that there 
 were greater Things going forward. They say, you aim at 
 this, to strip the Altars and Temples of the Saints every where. 
 I advise you again and again to have a Care what you do : 
 For otJter Saints don't want Power to avenge themselves for 
 the Wrong done to them. Peter, being turn' d out of his Church, 
 can shut the Gate of the Kingdom of Heaven against you. 
 Paul has a Sword. And St. Bartholomew a Knife. The 
 Monk William has a Coat of Mail under his Habit, and a 
 heavy Lance too. And how will you encotmter St. George on 
 Horseback, in his Cuirassiers Arms, his Sword, and his Whin- 
 yard? Nor is Anthony without his Weapon, he has his sacred 
 Fire : And the rest of them have either their Arms, or their 
 Mischiefs, that they can send out against whom they please : 
 A nd as for myself, although I wear no Weapons, you shall not 
 turn me out, unless you turn my Son out too, whom I hold in
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 7 
 
 my A rms. I won't be pulled away from him : You shall either 
 throiv us both out, or leave us both, unless you have a Mind to 
 have a Church without a- Christ. TJiese Things I would have 
 you knoiv, and consider what Answer to give me ; for I have 
 tJie Matter much at Heart. 
 
 From our Stone House, the Calends of August, the 
 Year of my Son's Passion 1524. I the Stony 
 Virgin have subscribed this with my own Hand. 
 
 Men. In Truth this is a very terrible threatning Letter, 
 and I believe Glaticoplutus will take Care what he does. 
 
 Ogy. He will, if he is wise. 
 
 Men. But why did not honest James write to him about 
 this Matter ? 
 
 Ogy. Truly I can't tell, except it is because he is a great 
 Way off, and now-a-Days all Letters are intercepted. 
 
 Men. But what God carried you to England ? 
 
 Ogy. A very favourable Wind ; and I had made half a 
 Promise to the beyond-Sea She-Saint, to pay her another 
 Visit within two or three Years. 
 
 Men. What did you go to ask for of her ? 
 
 Ogy. Nothing new ; but those common Matters, the 
 Health of my Family, the Increase of my Fortune, a long 
 and a happy Life in this World, and eternal Happiness in 
 the next. 
 
 Men. But could not our Virgin Mary have done as much 
 for you here? She has at Antwerp a Temple, much more 
 magnificent than that beyond Sea. 
 
 Ogy. I won't deny that she is able, but one Thing is be- 
 stowed in one Place, and another Thing in another : whether 
 this be her Pleasure merely, or whether she being of a kind 
 Disposition, accommodates herself in this to our Affections. 
 
 Men. I have often heard of James, but prithee give me 
 some Account of that beyond-Sea Lady. 
 
 Ogy. I will do it as briefly as I can : Her Name is very 
 famous all over England ; and you shall scarce find any Body 
 in that Island, who thinks his Affairs can be prosperous, 
 unless he every Year makes some Present to that Lady,
 
 8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 greater or smaller, according as his Circumstances are in the 
 World. 
 
 Men. Where-abouts does she dwell ? 
 
 Ogy. Near the Coast, upon the furthest Part between the 
 West and the North, about three Miles from the Sea ; it is 
 a Town that depends chiefly upon the Resort of Strangers : 
 There is a College of Canons there, to which the Latins have 
 added the Name of Regulars, which are of a middle Sort 
 between Monks, and those Canons that are called Seculars. 
 
 Men. You tell me of amphibious Creatures, such as the 
 Beavers are. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, so are Crocodiles too. But Trifling apart, I'll 
 tell you in three Words : In odious Cases they are Canons, 
 in favourable Cases they are Monks. 
 
 Men. You have hitherto been telling me Riddles. 
 
 Ogy. Why thea I will give you a Mathematical Demon- 
 stration. If the Pope of Rome shall throw a Thunderbolt 
 at all Monks, then they'll be all Canons ; and if he will allow 
 all Monks to marry, then they'll be all Monks. 
 
 Men. These are new Favours, I wish they would take 
 mine for one. 
 
 Ogy. But to return to the Matter in Hand. This College 
 has little else to maintain it, but the Liberality of the Vir- 
 gin ; for all Presents of Value are laid up ; but as for any 
 Thing of Money, or lesser Value, that goes to the Support 
 of the Flock and the Head of it, which they call the Prior. 
 
 Men. Are they Men of good Lives ? 
 
 Ogy. Not much amiss. They are richer in Piety than in 
 Revenue : There is a clever neat Church, but the Virgin does 
 not dwell in it herself ; but upon Point of Honour has given 
 it to her Son. Her Church is on the Right-Hand of her 
 Son's. 
 
 Men. Upon his Right-Hand ! which Way then does her 
 Son look ? 
 
 Ogy. That's well taken Notice of. When he looks toward 
 the West he has his Mother on the Right, and when he looks 
 toward the East, she is on his Left- Hand. And she does
 
 The Religioiis Pilgrimage. 9 
 
 not dwell there neither, for the Building is not finish'd ; the 
 Doors and Windows are all open, and the Wind blows thro' 
 it ; and not far off is a Place, where Oceanns the Father of 
 the Winds resides. 
 
 Men. That's a hard Case, where does she dwell then ? 
 
 Ogy. In that unfinish'd Church, that I spoke of, there is 
 a little boarded Chapel, with a little Door on each Side to 
 receive Visitors. There's but a little Light to it, but what 
 comes from the Tapers ; but the Scent is very grateful. 
 
 Men. All these Things conduce to Religion. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, Menedemus, if you saw the Inside of it, you 
 would say it was the Seat of the Saints, it is all so glittering 
 with Jewels, Gold and Silver. 
 
 Men. You set me agog to go thither too. 
 
 Ogy. If you do, you will never repent of your Journey. 
 
 Men. Is there any holy Oil there ? 
 
 Ogy. Simpleton, that Oil is only the Sweat of Saints in 
 their Sepulchres, as of Andrew, Catherine, &c. Mary was 
 never buried. 
 
 Men. I confess I was under a Mistake ; but make an End 
 of your Story. 
 
 Ogy. That Religion may spread itself the more widely, 
 some Things are shewn at one Place, and some at another. 
 
 Men. And it may be, that the Donations may be larger, 
 according to the old Saying, Fit cito per multas praeda 
 pctita manus. Many Hands will carry off much Plunder. 
 
 Ogy. And there are always some at Hand, to shew you 
 what you have a Mind to see. 
 
 Men. What, of the Canons ? 
 
 Ogy. No, no, they are not permitted, lest under the Colour 
 of Religion they should prove irreligious, and while they are 
 serving the Virgin, lose their own Virginity. Only in the 
 inner Chapel, which I call the Chamber of the holy Virgin, 
 a certain Canon stands at the Altar. 
 
 Men. What does he stand there for ? 
 
 Ogy. To receive and keep that which is given. 
 
 Men. Must People give whether they will or no ?
 
 io Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ogy. No : but a certain religious Modesty makes some 
 give, when any Body stands by, which would not give a 
 Farthing, if there were no Witness of it ; or give more than 
 otherwise they would give. 
 
 Men. You set forth human Nature, as I have experienc'd 
 in myself. 
 
 Ogy. There are some so devoted to the Holy Virgin, 
 that while they pretend to lay one Gift on the Altar, by a 
 wonderful Sleight of Hand, they steal what another has laid 
 down. 
 
 Men. But put the Case no Body were by, would the Vir- 
 gin thunder at them ? 
 
 Ogy. Why should the Virgin do that, any more than God 
 himself does, whom they are not afraid to strip of his Orna- 
 ments, and to break thro' the Walls of the Church to come 
 at them ? 
 
 Men. I can't well tell which I admire at most, the im- 
 pious Confidence of those Wretches, or God's Patience. 
 
 Ogy. At the north Side there is a certain Gate, not of a 
 Church, don't mistake me, but of the Wall that incloses the 
 Church-Yard, that has a very little Wicket, as in the great 
 Gates of Noblemen, that he that has a Mind to get in, must 
 first venture the breaking of his Shins, and afterwards stoop 
 his Head too. 
 
 Men. In Truth, it would not be safe for a Man to enter in 
 against an Enemy at such a little Door. 
 
 Ogy. You're in the Right on't. But yet the Verger told 
 me, that some Time since a Knight on Horse-Back, having 
 escaped out of the Hands of his Enemy, who follow'd him 
 at the Heels, got in thro' this Wicket. The poor Man at 
 the last Pinch, by a sudden Turn of Thought, recommended 
 himself to the holy Virgin, that was the nearest to him. For 
 he resolv'd to take Sanctuary at her Altar, if the Gate had 
 been open. When behold, which is such a Thing as was 
 never heard of, both Man and Horse were on a sudden 
 taken into the Church-Yard, and his Enemy left on the out- 
 Side of it, stark mad at his Disappointment.
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 1 1 
 
 Men. And did he give you Reason to believe so wonder- 
 ful a Relation ? 
 
 Ogy. Without Doubt. 
 
 Men. That was no easy Matter to a Man of your Philo- 
 sophy. 
 
 Ogy. He shew'd me a Plate of Copper nail'd on the Door, 
 that had the very Image of this Knight, that was thus sav'd ; 
 and in the very Habit, which was then in Fashion among the 
 English, which is the same we see in old Pictures, which, if 
 they are drawn truly, the Barbers, and Dyers, and Weavers 
 in those Days, had but a bad Time on't. 
 
 Men. Why so ? 
 
 Ogy. Why, he had a Beard like a Goat ; and there was 
 not a Wrinkle in any of his Cloaths, they were made so 
 strait to his Body, that the very Straitness of them made 
 his Body the more slender. There was also another Plate 
 that was an exact Description of the Chapel, and the Size 
 of it. 
 
 Men. Then there was no Doubt to be made on't. 
 
 Ogy. Under the little Wicket there was an iron Grate, no 
 bigger than what a Man on Foot could just get in at. For 
 it was not fit that any Horse afterwards should tread upon 
 that Place, which the former Knight had consecrated to the 
 Virgin. 
 
 Men. And very good Reason. 
 
 Ogy. From hence towards the East, there is another 
 Chapel full of Wonders ; thither I went. Another Verger 
 received me. There we pray'd a little ; and there was shewn 
 us the middle Joint of a Man's Finger ; I kiss'd it, and 
 ask'd whose Relick it was. He told me it was St. Peter's ; 
 what, said I, the Apostle ? He said it was. I then took 
 Notice of the Bigness of the Joint, which was large enough 
 to be taken for that of a Giant. Upon which, said I, Peter 
 must Needs have been a very lusty Man. At this one 
 of the Company fell a laughing ; I was very much vext 
 at it, for if he had held his Tongue, the Verger would have 
 shewn us all the Relicks. However, we pacified him pretty
 
 12 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 well, by giving him a few Groats. Before this little Chapel 
 stood a House, which he told us, in the Winter-Time when 
 all Things were buried in Snow, was brought there on a sud- 
 den, from some Place a great Way off. Under this House 
 there were two Pits Brim-full, that were fed by a Fountain 
 consecrated to the holy Virgin. The Water was wonderful 
 cold, and of great Virtue in curing Pains in the Head and 
 Stomach. 
 
 Men. If cold Water will cure Pains in the Head and 
 Stomach, in Time Oil will quench Fire. 
 
 Ogy. But, my good Friend, you are hearing that which is 
 miraculous ; for what Miracle is there in cold Water quench- 
 ing Thirst ? 
 
 Men. That Shift goes a great Way in this Story. 
 
 Ogy. It was positively affirmed, that this Spring burst out 
 of the Ground on a sudden, at the Command of the holy 
 Virgin. I observing everything very diligently, ask'd him 
 how many Years it was since that little House was brought 
 thither ? He said it had been there for some Ages. But, 
 said I, methinks the Walls don't seem to carry any Marks 
 of Antiquity in them : He did not much deny it. Nor these 
 Pillars, said I : He did not deny but those had been set up 
 lately ; and the Thing shew'd itself plainly. Then, said I, 
 that Straw and Reeds, the whole Thatch of it seems not to 
 have been so long laid. He allow'd it. Nor do these cross 
 Beams and Rafters, that bear up the Roof, seem to have 
 been laid many Years ago. He confest they were not. 
 And there being no Part of that Cottage remaining, said I 
 to him, how then does it appear, that this is the very Cottage 
 that was brought so far thro' the Air ? 
 
 Men. Prithee, how did the Sexton extricate himself out 
 of this Difficulty ? 
 
 Ogy. He presently shew'd us an old Bear's Skin, tackt 
 there to a Piece of Timber, and almost laught at us to our 
 very Faces, for not having Eyes to perceive a Thing that 
 was so plain. Therefore seeming to be satisfied, and ex- 
 cusing our Dulness of Apprehension, we turned ourselves 
 to the Heavenly Milk of the blessed Virgin.
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 1 3 
 
 Men. O Mother like her Son ! for as he has left us so 
 much of his Blood upon Earth, so she has left us so much 
 of her Milk, that it is scarce credible, that a Woman who 
 never had but one Child, should have so much, altho' her 
 Child had never suck'd a Drop. 
 
 Ogy. And they tell us the same Stories about our Lord's 
 Cross, that is shewn up and down, both publickly and pri- 
 vately, in so many Places, that if all the Fragments were 
 gathered together, they would seem to be sufficient Loading 
 for a good large Ship ; and yet our Lord himself carried the 
 whole Cross upon his Shoulders. 
 
 Men. And don't you think this is wonderful ? 
 
 Ogy. It may be said to be an extraordinary Thing, but not 
 a wonderful one, since the Lord who encreases these Things 
 according to his own Pleasure is Omnipotent. 
 
 Men. You put a very pious Construction upon it, but I 
 am afraid that a great many such Things are forged for the 
 Sake of getting Money. 
 
 Ogy. I cannot think God would suffer any one to put these 
 Mockeries upon him. 
 
 Men. Nay, when both the Mother and Son, Father and 
 Spirit are robb'd by sacrilegious Persons, they don't seem 
 to be mov'd the least in the World, so as to deter wicked 
 Persons, so much as by a Nod or a Stamp ; so great is the 
 Lenity of the Divine Being. 
 
 Ogy. This is true, but hear me out : That Milk is kept 
 upon the high Altar, in which Christ is in the Middle, and 
 his Mother, for Respect Sake, at his right Hand ; for the 
 Milk represents the Mother. 
 
 Men. Why, is it plain to be seen then ? 
 
 Ogy. It is preserv'd in a Crystal Glass. 
 
 Men. Is it liquid then ? 
 
 Ogy. What do you talk of being liquid, when it has been 
 put in above 1 500 Years ago. It is so concreted, you would 
 take it for beaten Chalk, temper'd with the White of an Egg. 
 
 Men. But why don't they shew it open ? 
 
 Ogy. Lest the Milk of the Virgin should be defil'd by 
 the Kisses of Men.
 
 14 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Men. You say very well, for I believe there are some who 
 put Lips to it, that are neither pure nor Virgin ones. 
 
 Ogy. As soon as the Officer sees us, he runs presently and 
 puts on a Surplice, and a Stole about his Neck, and falls 
 down very devoutly and worships, and by and by gives us 
 the holy Milk to kiss. Then we prostrated ourselves at the 
 lowest Step of the Altar, and having first paid our Adora- 
 tion to Christ, we apply 'd ourselves to the Virgin in the 
 following Prayer, which we had fram'd before- Hand for this 
 very Purpose. 
 
 Virgin MotJier, wJw hast merited to give Suck to tlie Lord 
 of Heaven and Earth, thy Son Jesus, from thy Virgin Breasts; 
 we desire tJtat being purified by his Blood, we may arrive at 
 that happy Infant State of Dove-like Innocence, which being 
 void of Malice, Fraud, and Deceit, we may continually desire 
 tlie Milk of ttie Evangelical Doctrine, until it grows up to a 
 perfect Man, and to the Measure of tJte Fulness of Christ, 
 whose blessed Society thou wilt enjoy for evermore, with tJte 
 Fattier and tJie Holy Spirit. Amen. 
 
 Men. Truly, a devout Prayer. But what Answer did she 
 make ? 
 
 Ogy. If my Eyes did not deceive me, they were both 
 pleased : For the holy Milk seem'd to give a Leap, and the 
 Eucharist seem'd to look somewhat brighter than usual. In 
 the mean Time the Shewer of the Relicks came to us, with- 
 out speaking a Word, holding out such a Kind of Table, as 
 they in Germany that take Toll on the Bridges hold out 
 to you. 
 
 Men. In Truth, I have oftentimes cursed those craving 
 Tables, when I travelled in Germany. 
 
 Ogy. We laid down some Pieces of Money, which he pre- 
 sented to the Virgin. After this, by our Interpreter, (If I 
 remember right) one Robert Aldridge, a well spoken young 
 Man, and a great Master of the English Tongue, I enquired, 
 as civilly as I could, what Assurance he had, that this was 
 really the Virgin's Milk. And truly, I desired to be satisfied 
 of this with a pious Intention, that I might stop the Mouths
 
 The Religiotis Pilgrimage. 1 5 
 
 of some impious Persons, who are us'd to scoff at all these 
 Things. The Officer first contracted his Brow without speak- 
 ing a Word ; thereupon I prest the Interpreter to put the 
 same Question to him again, but in the fairest Manner that 
 could be ; and he did it in so obliging a Manner, that if he 
 had address'd himself to the Mother herself in these Terms, 
 when she had but newly lain in, she would not have taken 
 it amiss. But the Officer, as if he had been inspired with 
 some Enthusiasm, looking upon us with astonished Eyes, 
 and with a Sort of Horror, cursing our blasphemous Expres- 
 sion, said, What Need is tJiere for your putting this Question, 
 wJien you Jiave an Authentick Record ? And had turn'd us 
 out of Doors for Hereticks, had not a few Pence pacified 
 his Rage. 
 
 Men. But how did you behave yourselves in the In- 
 terim ? 
 
 Ogy. Just as if we had been stunned with a Cudgel, or 
 struck with Thunder ; we sneak'd away, humbly begging 
 his Pardon for our Boldness : For so a Man ought to do in 
 holy Matters. Thence we went to the little Chapel, the 
 Dwelling of the Virgin Saint. In our Way thither, an Ex- 
 pounder of sacred Things, one of the Minors, offers himself ; 
 he stares upon us as if he had a Mind to draw our Pictures ; 
 and having gone a little further, another meets us, staring 
 upon us after the same Manner ; and after him a third. 
 
 Men. It may be they had a Mind to have drawn your 
 Picture. 
 
 Ogy. But I suspected far otherwise. 
 
 Men. What did you imagine then ? 
 
 Ogy. That some sacrilegious Person had stolen some of 
 the Virgin's Vestments, and that I was suspected as the 
 Thief. Therefore, having entred the Chapel, I address'd 
 myself to the Virgin-Mother with this short Prayer. 
 
 O thou who only of all Women art a Mother and a Vir- 
 gin, tlie most happy of Mothers, and the purest of Virgins, 
 we that are impure do now come to visit and address our- 
 selves to thee that are pure, and reverence thee with our
 
 1 6 Colloqu ies of Erasmus. 
 
 poor Offerings, suck as tJiey are. O that thy Son would en- 
 able us to imitate thy most holy Life, that zve may deserve, by 
 tJie Grace of t lie Holy Spirit, to conceive tJie Lord Jesus in tJie 
 most inward Bowels of our Minds, and having once conceivd 
 him, never to lose him. Amen. 
 So I kiss'd the Altar, laid down some Money, and withdrew. 
 
 Men. What, did the Virgin hear ? Did she give you no 
 Nod as a Token that she had heard your Prayer ? 
 
 Ogy. As I told you before, it was but an uncertain Light, 
 and she stood in the Dark at the right Side of the Altar : 
 And the Check of the former Officer had made me so de- 
 jected, that I did not dare to lift up my Eyes again. 
 
 Men. Then this Adventure had not a very happy Con- 
 clusion ? 
 
 Ogy. Nay, the happiest of all. 
 
 Men. Nay, now you put me in Courage again ; for, as 
 your Homer says, my Heart was e'en sunk into my Breeches. 
 
 Ogy. After Dinner we go to Church again. 
 
 Men. How did you dare to do that, being suspected of 
 Sacrilege ? 
 
 Ogy. It may be I was : but I did not suspect myself. A 
 clear Conscience fears nothing. I had a great Mind to see 
 the Record that the Shewer of the Reliques had referr'd us 
 to. Having hunted a great While for it, we found it at last ; 
 but it was hung up so high, that he must have good Eyes 
 that could read it : And mine are none of the best, nor none 
 of the worst. Therefore, not being willing wholly to trust 
 to him in a Matter of such Moment, I went along with Al- 
 drisius as he read it. 
 
 Men. Well ! and were all your Doubts remov'd ? 
 
 Ogy. I was asham'd of myself, that I should doubt of a 
 Matter, that there was made so plain before one's Eyes, the 
 Name, the Place, the Order of the Proceeding, in one Word, 
 there was nothing omitted. There was one William of Paris, 
 a Man of general Piety, but more especially religious in 
 getting together the Relicks of Saints all over the Earth. 
 He having travelled over a great many Countries, and
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 1 7 
 
 having every where diligently search'd Monasteries and 
 Churches, at last arriv'd at Constantinople ; (for this Wil- 
 liam's Brother was a Bishop there). When he was prepar- 
 ing to return Home, the Bishop acquainted him, that there 
 was a certain Nun that had the Virgin's Milk ; and that he 
 would be the happiest Man in the World, if he could possi- 
 bly get any of it, either for Love or Money, or by any other 
 Means ; for that all the Relicks he had hitherto collected, 
 were nothing, compared to that sacred Milk. Upon this, 
 William never was at rest, till he had obtain'd one Half of 
 this Milk ; and having gotten this Treasure, thought him- 
 self richer than Crcesus. 
 
 Men. And very well he might, 'twas a Thing so unex- 
 pected too. 
 
 Ogy. He goes strait homeward, but falls sick by the Way. 
 
 Men. O how little Trust is to be put in human Felicity, 
 that it shall be either perfect or long-liv'd ! 
 
 Ogy. Finding himself in Danger, he sends for a French- 
 man, a faithful Fellow-Traveller, and makes him swear 
 Secrecy ; and then delivers the Milk to him upon this Con- 
 dition, That if he got Home safe, he should deposit that 
 Treasure on the Altar of the holy Virgin that is worshipped 
 at Paris, in that noble Church that has the River Sein on 
 each Side of it, as if itself gave Place in Reverence to the 
 Divinity of the Virgin. To sum up the Matter in few Words, 
 William was buried ; the other rides Post, but he falls sick 
 by the Way, and thinking himself past Recovery, he delivers 
 the Milk to an Englishman that was his Fellow-Traveller, 
 making him take a solemn Oath that he would perform that 
 which he himself was to have done. The one dies, the other 
 takes it, and puts it upon the Altar, in the Presence of all 
 the Canons of the Place, those that at that Time were call'd 
 Regulars, as they are yet at St. Genoveve : He obtain'd Half 
 this Milk of them, and carried it into England, and made a 
 Present of it to this beyond-Sea Place, his Mind being moved 
 thereunto by a Divine Impulse. 
 
 Men. Truly this Story hangs very handsomly together. 
 
 VOL. II. B
 
 1 8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ogy. Nay farther, that there might not be left the least 
 Room to doubt, the very Names of the Bishops were set 
 down, that were authorized to grant Releases and Indulgen- 
 ces to such as should come to see the Milk, according to the 
 Power to them given, but not without some Donation or 
 another. 
 
 Men. And how far did that Power extend ? 
 
 Ogy. To forty Days. 
 
 Men. But are there Days in Purgatory ? 
 
 Ogy. For certain there is Time there. 
 
 Men. But when they have dispos'd of this Stock of forty 
 Days, have they no more to bestow ? 
 
 Ogy. No : For there ever and anon arises something for 
 them to bestow, and 'tis in this quite otherwise than it is with 
 the Tub of the Danaides. For tho' that is continually fill- 
 ing, is always empty ; but in this, tho' you are continually 
 drawing out, there is never the less in the Vessel. 
 
 Men. But if the Remission of forty Days were given to 
 a hundred thousand Men, would every one have so much ? 
 
 Ogy. Yes, so much. 
 
 Men. And suppose that they that have received forty 
 Days in the Morning, should ask for forty Days more at 
 Night, Would they have wherewithal to give them ? 
 
 Ogy. Yes, ten Times over in an Hour. 
 
 Men. I wish I had such a Cabinet at Home ; I would not 
 wish for above three Groats, if they might be doubled and 
 tripled after that Manner. 
 
 Ogy. You might as well have wish'd to be all turn'd into 
 Gold yourself, and as soon have had what you wish'd for. 
 But to return to my Story, there was one Argument added, by 
 a Man of great Piety and Candour, which is, that tho' the 
 Virgin's Milk, which is shewn in many other Places, is in- 
 deed venerable enough, in that it was scrap'd off from Stones, 
 yet this was more venerable than all the rest, because this 
 was sav'd as it flow'd from the Virgin's Breast, without 
 touching the Ground. 
 
 Men. But how does that appear ?
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. \ 9 
 
 Ogy. O ! the Nun at Constantinople that gave it, said so. 
 
 Men. It may be she had it of St. Bernard. 
 
 Ogy. I believe she had. 
 
 Men. He, when he was very old, had the Happiness to 
 
 taste Milk from the same Nipple which the Child Jesus 
 
 sucked. Whence I wonder he was not rather called Lacti- 
 
 fluons than Mellifluous. But how is that called the Virgin's 
 
 Milk that did not flow from her Breasts ? 
 
 Ogy. That did flow from her Breasts, but dropping upon 
 the Stone she sat upon, while she was giving suck, it con- 
 creted, and was afterwards, by Providence, so multiplied. 
 
 Men. Right. Go on. 
 
 Ogy. These Things being over, we were just upon the Point 
 of going away ; but walking about, and looking round us 
 to see if there was any Thing worth taking Notice of, the 
 Chapel-Officers come to us again, leering at us, pointing at 
 us with their Fingers, they advance to us, retreat, run back- 
 ward and forward, nod, as if they would fain have said some- 
 thing to us, if they had had Courage enough to have done it. 
 
 Men. And was not you afraid then ? 
 
 Ogy. No, not at all ; but I looked them full in the Face 
 very chearfully, as who should say, Speak and welcome. At 
 length one of them comes up to me, and asked my Name. 
 I told it him. He asked me if I was the Person that a Mat- 
 ter of two Years ago set up a Votive Table in Hebrew Let- 
 ters ? I told him I was. 
 
 Men. Can you write Hebrew then ? 
 
 Ogy. No, but they call every Thing Hebrew that they can't 
 understand. But by and by (upon calling, as I suppose) 
 came the TT/JCOTO? vcrrepos of the College. 
 
 Men. What Title of Dignity is that ? Have they not an 
 Abbot ? 
 
 Ogy. No. 
 
 Men. Why so ? 
 
 Ogy. Because they don't understand Hebrew. 
 
 Men. Have they no Bishop ? 
 
 Ogy. None at all.
 
 2O Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Men. Why so ? 
 
 Ogy. Because the Virgin is so poor, that she has not where- 
 with to buy a Staff and a Mitre. 
 
 Men. Ha'n't they so much as a President ? 
 
 Ogy. No, nor that neither. 
 
 Men. What hinders ? 
 
 Ogy. Because a President is a Name of Dignity, and not 
 of Holiness, and therefore the Colleges of Canons reject the 
 Name of an Abbot, but they willingly allow the Name of a 
 President. 
 
 Men. But this TT/HWTO? vo-repo? is what I never heard of 
 before. 
 
 Ogy. In Truth you are but an indifferent Grammarian then. 
 
 Men. I know what va-repoirpcoTov is in Rhetoric. 
 
 Ogy. Why that's it. He that is next the Prior is Pos- 
 terior Prior. 
 
 Men. You mean a Sub-Prior. 
 
 Ogy. He saluted me very courteously. He told me what 
 great Pains had been taken to read those Verses ; what 
 wiping of Spectacles there had been to no Purpose ; how 
 often one grave Doctor of Divinity, and another of Law, 
 had been brought thither to expound the Table. One said 
 the Letters were Arabick, another said they were fictitious 
 ones ; but at last they found one that made a Shift to read 
 the Title. It was written in Latin Words, and Latin Capi- 
 tals. The Verses were Greek, in Greek Capitals, which at 
 first Sight look'd like Roman Capitals. Being requested, I 
 turn'd the Verses into Latin, Word for Word. They would 
 have given me a Reward for this small Service, but I posi- 
 tively refused it, affirming that there was nothing so difficult 
 that I would not, with all the Readiness in the World, un- 
 dertake for the Sake of the Holy Virgin, even if she should 
 command me to carry a Letter for her from thence to Jeru- 
 salem. 
 
 Men. What Occasion can she have for you to be her Let- 
 ter-Carrier, that has so many Angels for her Secretaries and 
 Pages ?
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 2 1 
 
 Ogy. He pulled out of his Pouch a little Piece of Wood, 
 cut off from the Beam on which the Virgin-Mother stood. 
 The admirable Fragrancy of it, shewed it to be a Thing that 
 was highly sacred. I having received this Present in the 
 lowest Posture of Humility, and bare-headed, and having 
 kiss'd it over and over, put it in my Pocket. 
 
 Men. May a Body see it ? 
 
 Ogy. I'll let you see it if you will. But if you have eaten 
 or drank to Day, or have had to do with your Wife last 
 Night, I would not advise you to look upon it. 
 
 Men. Let me see it, there is no Danger. 
 
 Ogy. Here 'tis for you. 
 
 Men. O happy Man art thou that hast such a Present ! 
 
 Ogy. Whether you know it or no, I would not exchange 
 this little Fragment for all the Gold in Tagus. I'll set it in 
 Gold, and put it in a Crystal Case, so that it may be seen 
 through it. When this Hysteroprotos saw me so religiously 
 transported with that small Present, thinking I deserved to 
 have Things of greater Moment imparted to me, he asked 
 me, if I had seen the Virgin's Secrets. That Word startled 
 me a little, but I durst not ask him what he meant by the 
 Virgin's Secrets ; for in Matters so sacred there is Danger 
 in a Slip of the Tongue. I told him I had not seen them ; 
 but I had a very great Desire to see them. Then I am con- 
 ducted in as one in an Ecstacy. A Wax Taper or two was 
 lighted, and a little Image was shewn me, that made no ex- 
 traordinary Figure, neither for Magnitude, Matter, nor 
 Workmanship, but of extraordinary Virtue. 
 
 Men. Bulk has no great Matter in it, as to the doing of 
 Miracles. I have seen St. Christopher at Paris, not him of a 
 Cart-Load, or of the Size of a Colossus, but rather of a large 
 Mountain ; but I never heard he was famous for doing Mi- 
 racles. 
 
 Ogy. At the Feet of the Virgin there is a Jewel, that 
 neither the Latins nor Greeks have yet given a Name to. 
 The French have given it a Name from a Toad, because 
 it has the Resemblance of a Toad in it so lively, that no Art
 
 22 Co lloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 can match it. And that which is the more miraculous, is, 
 that it is a very small Stone ; and the Image does not stand 
 out of it, but is included in the very Body of the Stone, and 
 may be seen thro' it. 
 
 Men. Perhaps they may fancy they see the Likeness of 
 a Toad cut in it, as some fancy they see that of an Eagle 
 in the Stalk of a Brake or Fern ; and as Boys, who see every 
 Thing in the Clouds, as Dragons breathing out Fire, burning 
 Mountains and armed Men fighting. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, that you may be thoroughly satisfied in the 
 Matter, no living Toad ever shewed itself more plainly, than 
 that is expressed there. 
 
 Men. I have been hearing your Stories all this While ; but 
 I would have you find out some Body else to give Credit to 
 your Story of the Toad. 
 
 Ogy. I don't at all wonder, Menedemus, that you are so 
 incredulous ; I should not have believ'd it myself, if the 
 whole Tribe of Divines had asserted it, unless I had seen it 
 with these Eyes, I say, beheld with these very Eyes, and had 
 experienced the Truth of it. But, methinks you seem not 
 to be curious enough upon these natural Rarities. 
 
 Men. Why so ? what, because I won't believe that Asses 
 fly. 
 
 Ogy. But do you not observe how Nature sports herself 
 in imitating the Shapes and Colours of every Thing, in other 
 Things, but especially in precious Stones ? And also, what 
 admirable Virtues it has planted in them, which are alto- 
 gether incredible, if common Experience did not force us to 
 a Belief of them ? Prithee tell me, would you ever have be- 
 lieved without seeing it with your Eyes, that Steel could 
 have been drawn by the Load-Stone, without touching it, 
 or be driven away from it without being touch'd by it ? 
 
 Men. No, indeed I never should, although ten Aristotles 
 had taken their Oaths of the Truth of it 
 
 Ogy. Well then, don't say every Thing's a Fable that has 
 not fallen within the Compass of your Experience. We 
 find the Figure of a Bolt in a Thunder-Stone ; Fire in the
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 23 
 
 Carbuncle ; the Figure of Hail, and the Coldness of it in the 
 Hail-Stone, nay, even tho' you throw it into the Midst of 
 the Fire ; the deep and transparent Waves of the Sea in the 
 Emerald; the Carcinias imitates the Figure of a Sea-Crab ; 
 the Echites of a Viper ; the Scarites of a Gilt-Head ; the 
 Theracites of a Hawk ; the Geranites shews you the figur'd 
 Neck of a Crane ; the ALgophtftalmus shews the Eye of a 
 Goat ; and some shew that of a Hog, and another three Hu- 
 man Eyes together ; The Lycophthalmus paints you out the 
 Eye of a Wolf'm four Colours, fiery and bloody, and in the 
 Middle, black encompassed with white ; if you open the 
 black Cyamea, you will find a Bean in the Middle ; the 
 Dryites represents the Trunk of a Tree, and burns like Wood ; 
 The Cissites and Narcissites represent Ivy ; the Astrapias 
 darts forth Rays of Lightning out of the Midst of white or 
 blue ; the Phlegontites shews a Flame within, that does not 
 come out ; in the Anthracitis you may see certain Sparks 
 running too and fro ; the Crocias represents the Colour of 
 Saffron ; the Rhodites that of a Rose ; the Chalcites of Brass ; 
 the Aetites the Figure of an Eagle, with a white Tail ; the 
 Taos represents a Peacock ; the CJielidonia an Asp ; the 
 Mermecites has the Image of a creeping Pismire growing 
 within it ; the Cantharias shews a perfect Beetle ; and the 
 Scorpites admirably decyphers a Scorpion. But why should 
 I proceed to recount that which is innumerable, when there 
 is no Part of Nature, either in Elements, Animals, or Plants, 
 which Nature, as it were to sport herself, does not give us 
 some Resemblance of in Stones ? And do you then admire 
 that the Form of a Toad is represented in the Bufonites ? 
 
 Men. I wonder that Nature has so much spare Time, as to 
 divert herself in drawing the Pictures of every Thing. 
 
 Ogy. It has a Mind to exercise the Curiosity of Mankind, 
 and by that Means to keep us from being idle. And yet 
 as tho' we were at a Loss to know how to pass away our 
 Time, we run a madding after Buffoons, Dice, and Jugglers. 
 
 Men. You say true. 
 
 Ogy. And some Persons of Credit add, that if you put
 
 24 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 this Toad-Stone into Vinegar, it will move its Legs and 
 swim. 
 
 Men. But why is this dedicated to the Virgin ? 
 
 Ogy. Because she has overcome, trampled upon, and ex- 
 tinguished all Uncleanness, Malice, Pride, Avarice, and all 
 Manner of earthly Desires. 
 
 Men. Woe to us then who carry so much of the Toad still 
 in our Hearts ! 
 
 Ogy. But we shall be pure if we worship the Virgin as we 
 ought. 
 
 Men. How would she have us worship her ? 
 
 Ogy. You will perform most acceptable Service to her 
 if you imitate her. 
 
 Men. That's soon said, but not so easily performed. 
 
 Ogy. It is hard, indeed ; but then it is very well worth the 
 Pains. 
 
 Men. Come on, go forwards in what you have begun. 
 
 Ogy. Afterwards he shewed me Statues of Gold and Sil- 
 ver : This, says he, is solid Gold ; and this is only Silver gilt ; 
 he told me the Weight of every one, the Price, and the Name 
 of the Donor. I being full of Admiration at every Thing, 
 and congratulating the Virgin being Mistress of so much 
 Wealth, says the Officer to me, Inasmuch as I perceive you 
 are so pious a Spectator, I think I should not do fairly by 
 you, if I should conceal any Thing from you ; therefore you 
 shall see the greatest Privacies the Virgin has : And pre- 
 sently he takes out of a Drawer from under the Altar a 
 World of admirable Things, the Particulars of which, if I 
 should proceed to mention, the Day would not be long 
 enough ; so that thus far the Journey succeeded to my 
 Wish. I satisfied my Curiosity abundantly with fine Sights, 
 and brought Home with me this inestimable Present, a Pledge 
 of the Virgin's Love, given me by herself. 
 
 Men. Did you ever make Trial of the Virtues of this Piece 
 of Wood ? 
 
 Ogy. I have. Three or four Days ago, I being in an 
 House of Entertainment, found a Man stark mad, whom
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 25 
 
 they were just going to put into Chains ; I put this Piece 
 of Wood privately under his Bolster, and he fell into a sound 
 Sleep, and slept a long Time, and when he rose in the Morn- 
 ing he was as sober as ever. 
 
 Men. Perhaps he was not distracted but drunk, and Sleep 
 commonly cures that Distemper. 
 
 Ogy. Menedemus, since you love to use Raillery, take 
 another Subject. It is neither pious nor safe to make Sport 
 with Saints. Nay, the Man himself told me, That there was 
 a Woman appeared to him in his Sleep of an incomparable 
 Beauty, that held forth a Cup to him to drink. 
 
 Men. Hellebore, I believe. 
 
 Ogy. That's uncertain ; but this is certain, that the Man 
 recover'd his Reason. 
 
 Men. Did you pass by Thomas Archbishop of Canter- 
 bury ? 
 
 Ogy. No, I think I did not. It is one of the most reli- 
 gious Pilgrimages in the World. 
 
 Men. I long to hear it, if it won't be too much Trouble 
 to you. 
 
 Ogy. It is so far from that, that you will oblige me in 
 hearing of it. That Part of England that looks towards 
 Flanders and France is called Kent : The Metropolis of it 
 is Canterbury. There are two Monasteries in it, that are al- 
 most contiguous ; and they are both of Benedictines. That 
 which bears the Name of Augustine, is the antienter of the 
 two ; that which is now called by the Name of St. Thomas, 
 seems to have been the Seat of St. Thomas the Archbishop, 
 where he had led his Life with a few Monks, whom he chose 
 for his Companions, as now-a-Days Deans have their Palaces 
 near the Church, tho' separate from the Houses of other Can- 
 ons. For, in old Time, both Bishops and Canons were 
 Monks, as appears by the manifest Vestigia of Things. But 
 the Church, that is dedicated to St. Thomas, raises itself up 
 towards Heaven with that Majesty, that it strikes those that 
 behold it at a great Distance, with an Awe of Religion, and 
 now, with its Splendor, makes the Light of the neighbour-
 
 26 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 ing Palaces look dim, and as it were obscures the Place that 
 was antiently the most celebrated for Religion. There are 
 two lofty Turrets, which stand, as it were, bidding Visitants 
 welcome from afar off ; and a Ring of Bells that make the 
 adjacent Country echo far and wide with their rolling Sound. 
 In the south Porch of the Church stand three Stone Statues 
 of Men in Armour, who with wicked Hands murdered the 
 holy Man, with the Names of their Countries, Tusci, Fusci, 
 and Berti. 
 
 Men. Why have such wicked Men so much Honour done 
 them ? 
 
 Ogy. They have the same Honour done to them, that is 
 done to Judas, Pilate, Caiaphas, and the Band of wicked 
 Soldiers, whose Images you may see carv'd upon stately 
 Altars : And their Names are added, that none after them 
 might arrogate to themselves the Glory of the Fact. They 
 are set there in open Sight, to be a Warning to wicked Cour- 
 tiers, that no one may hereafter presume to lay his Hand 
 on either Bishops or the Possessions of the Church. For 
 these three Ruffians ran mad with Horror of the Fact they 
 had committed ; nor had they come to themselves again, 
 had not holy Thomas been implored in Favour of them. 
 
 Men. O the perpetual Clemency of Martyrs ! 
 
 Ogy. When you are entered in, a certain spacious Ma- 
 jesty of Place opens itself to you, which is free to every one. 
 
 Men. Is there nothing to be seen there ? 
 
 Ogy. Nothing but the Bulk of the Structure, and some 
 Books chained to the Pillars, containing the Gospel of Nico- 
 demus, and the Sepulchre of, I can't tell who. 
 
 Men. And what else ? 
 
 Ogy. Iron Grates inclose the Place called the Choir, so that 
 there's no Entrance ; but so that the View is still open from 
 one End of the Church to the other. You ascend to this by 
 a great many Steps, under which there is a certain Vault 
 that opens a Passage to the North Side. There they shew 
 a wooden Altar, consecrated to the holy Virgin ; it is a very 
 small one, and remarkable for nothing, except as a Monu-
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 27 
 
 ment of Antiquity, reproaching the Luxury of the present 
 Times. In that Place the good Man is reported to have ta- 
 ken his last Leave of the Virgin, when he was at the Point 
 of Death. Upon the Altar is the Point of the Sword, with 
 which the Top of the Head of that good Prelate was 
 wounded, and some of his Brains that were beaten out, to 
 make sure Work on't. We most religiously kiss'd the sacred 
 Rust of this Weapon, out of Love to the Martyr. Leaving 
 this Place, we went down into a Vault under Ground ; to 
 that there belong two Shewers of Relicks. The first Thing 
 they shew you, is the Skull of the Martyr, as it was bored 
 through ; the upper Part is left open to be kiss'd, all the rest 
 is cover'd over with Silver. There also is shewn you a leaden 
 Plate with this Inscription, Thomas Acrensis. And there 
 hang up in a great Place, the Shirts of Hair-Cloth, the Gird- 
 les, and Breeches, with which this Prelate used to mortify 
 his Flesh, the very Sight of which is enough to strike one 
 with Horrour, and to reproach the Effeminacy and Delicacy 
 of our Age. 
 
 Men. Nay, perhaps of the Monks themselves. 
 
 Ogy. That I can neither affirm nor deny, nor does it sig- 
 nify much to me. 
 
 Men. You say right. 
 
 Ogy. From hence we return to the Choir. On the north 
 Side they open a private Place. It is incredible what a 
 World of Bones they brought out of it, Skulls, Chins, Teeth, 
 Hands, Fingers, whole Arms, all which we having first 
 adored, kiss'd ; nor had there been any End of it, had it not 
 been for one of my Fellow-Travellers, who indiscreetly in- 
 terrupted the Officer that was shewing them. 
 
 Men. Who was he ? 
 
 Ogy. He was an Englishman, his Name was Gratian 
 Pullus, a Man of Learning and Piety, but not so well af- 
 fected to this Part of Religion as I could wish he were. 
 
 Men. I fancy he was a Wickliffite. 
 
 Ogy. No, I believe he was not, tho' he had read his Books ; 
 but I don't know where he had them.
 
 28 Colloqmes of Erasmus. 
 
 Men. Did he make the Officer angry ? 
 
 Ogy. He took out an Arm having yet some bloody Flesh 
 upon it ; he shew'd a Reluctance to the Kissing it, and a 
 Sort of Uneasiness in his Countenance : And presently the 
 Officer shut up all his Relicks again. After this we view'd 
 the Table of the Altar, and the Ornaments ; and after that 
 those Things that were laid up under the Altar : all was very 
 rich ; you would have said Midas and Crcesus were Beggars 
 compar'd to them, if you beheld the great Quantities of Gold 
 and Silver. 
 
 Men. And was there no Kissing here ? 
 
 Ogy. No, but my Mind was touch'd with other Sorts of 
 Wishes. 
 
 Men. What where they ? 
 
 Ogy. It made me sigh to think I had no such Relicks in 
 my own House. 
 
 Men. A sacrilegious Wish ! 
 
 Osy. I confess it, and I humbly begg'd Pardon of the 
 Saint, before I set my Foot out of the Church. After this 
 we were carry'd into the Vestry. Good God ! What a Pomp 
 of Silk Vestments was there, of Golden Candlesticks ! There 
 we saw also St. T/iomas's Pastoral Staff : It look'd like a 
 Reed plated over with Silver ; it had but little of Weight, 
 and nothing of Workmanship, and was no longer than up to 
 one's Girdle. 
 
 Men. Was there never a Cross ? 
 
 Ogy. I saw none : There was a Gown shewn, it was Silk 
 indeed, but coarse, and without Embroidery of Jewels ; and 
 a Handkerchief, still having plain Marks of Sweat and 
 Blood from the Saint's Neck. We readily kiss'd these 
 Monuments of antient Frugality. 
 
 Men. Are these shewn to every Body ? 
 
 Ogy. No certainly, my good Friend. 
 
 Men. How then did you come to have such Credit with 
 them, that none of their Secrets were conceal'd from you ? 
 
 Ogy. I had some Acquaintance with the Reverend Pre- 
 late William War/iam the Archbishop, and he recommended 
 me.
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 29 
 
 Men. I have heard he was a Man of great Humanity. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, if you knew the Man, you would take him for 
 Humanity itself. He was a Man of that Learning, that Can- 
 dour of Manners, and that Piety of Life, that there was no- 
 thing wanting in him to make him a most accomplish'd 
 Prelate. From hence we were conducted up higher ; for, 
 behind the high Altar, there is another Ascent, as into 
 another Church. In a certain Chapel there was shewn 
 to us the whole Face of the good Man set in Gold, and 
 adorned with Jewels ; and here a certain unexpected Chance 
 had near interrupted all our Felicity. 
 
 Men. I want sadly to hear what mischievous Matter this 
 was. 
 
 Ogy. My Friend Gratian lost himself here extremely. 
 After a short Prayer, he says to the Assistant of him that 
 shew'd us the Reliques, Good Father, is it true, as I have 
 heard, that Thomas, while he liv'd, was very charitable to 
 the Poor ? Very true, replies he, and began to relate a great 
 many Instances of his Charity. Then, answers Gratian, I 
 don't believe that good Inclination in him is changed, unless 
 it be for the better. The Officer assented. Then, says he 
 again, if this holy Man was so liberal to the Poor, when he 
 was a poor Man himself, and stood in Need of Charity for 
 the Support of his own Body, don't you think he would take 
 it well now, when he is grown so rich, and wants nothing, 
 if some poor Woman having a Family of Children at Home 
 ready to starve, or Daughters in Danger of being under a 
 necessity to prostitute themselves for want of Portions, or a 
 Husband sick in Bed, and destitute of all Comforts ; if such 
 a Woman should ask him Leave to make bold with some 
 small Portion of these vast Riches, for the Relief of her 
 Family, taking it either as by Consent, or by Gift, or by Way 
 of Borrowing ? The Assistant making no Answer to this, 
 Gratian being a warm Man, I am fully persuaded, says he, 
 that the good Man would be glad at his Heart, that when 
 he is dead he could be able to relieve the Necessities of the 
 Poor with his Wealth. Upon this the Shewer of the Relicks
 
 3<D Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 began to frown, and to pout out his Lips, and to look upon us 
 as if he would have eaten us up ; and I don't doubt but he 
 would have spit in our Faces, and have turn'd us out of the 
 Church by the Neck and Shoulders, but that we had the 
 Archbishop's Recommendation. Indeed I did in some Mea- 
 sure pacify him with good Words, telling him, that Gratian 
 did not speak this from his Heart, but had a drolling Way 
 with him ; and also laid down a little Money. 
 
 Men. Indeed I exceedingly approve of your Piety. But 
 I sometimes seriously think on't, how they can possibly ex- 
 cuse themselves from being guilty of a Fault, who consume 
 such vast Sums in building, beautifying, and enriching 
 Churches, setting no Bound to their Expences. I allow that 
 there ought to be a Dignity in the sacred Vestments, the 
 Vessels of a Church, agreeable to the solemn Service ; and 
 would have the Structure of it to have a certain Air of Ma- 
 jesty. But to what Purpose are so many golden Fonts, so 
 many Candlesticks, and so many Images ? To what Purpose 
 is such a Profusion of Expence upon Organs, as they call 
 them ? Nor are we indeed content with one Pair. What 
 signify those Concerts of Musick, hired at so great an Ex- 
 pence ; when in the mean Time our Brothers and Sisters, 
 Christ's living Temples, are ready to perish for Hunger and 
 Thirst ? 
 
 Ogy. There is no Man, either of Piety or Wisdom, but 
 would wish for a Moderation in these Matters ; but since 
 this Error proceeds from a certain Extreme of Piety, it de- 
 serves some Favour, especially when we reflect on the other 
 hand, on the contrary Error of others, who rob Churches 
 rather than build them up. They are commonly endow'd 
 by great Men and Monarchs, who would employ the Money 
 worse in Gaming, or War. And moreover, if you take any 
 Thing away from the Church, in the first Place it is ac- 
 counted Sacrilege ; and in the second Place, it shuts up the 
 Hands of those who had an Inclination to give ; and be- 
 sides, it is a Temptation to Rapine. The Churchmen are 
 rather Guardians of these Things than Masters of them. And
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 3 1 
 
 lastly, I had rather see a Church luxuriant with sacred Fur- 
 niture, than as some of them are, naked and sordid, more 
 like Stables than Churches. 
 
 Men. But we read, that the Bishops of old were com- 
 mended for selling the sacred Vessels, and relieving the Poor 
 with the Money. 
 
 Ogy. And so they are commended at this Day ; but they 
 are only commended ; for I am of the Mind they neither 
 have the Power, nor the Will, to follow the Example. 
 
 Men. But I hinder your Narration, I now expect to hear 
 the Conclusion of your Story. 
 
 Ogy. Well ! you shall have it, and I'll be very brief. Up- 
 on this, out comes the Head of the College. 
 
 Men. Who was he ? the Abbot of the Place ? 
 
 Ogy. He wears a Mitre, and has the Revenue of an Ab- 
 bot, he wants nothing but the Name ; he is call'd the Prior, 
 because the Archbishop is in the Place of an Abbot. For 
 in old Time, every one that was an Archbishop of that Dio- 
 cese was a Monk. 
 
 Men. I did not matter if I was call'd a Camel, if I had but 
 the Revenue of an Abbot. 
 
 Ogy. He seem'd to me to be a godly and prudent Man, 
 and not unacquainted with the Scotch Divinity. He open'd 
 us the Box, in which the Remainder of the Holy Man's 
 Body is said to rest. 
 
 Men. Did you see the Bones ? 
 
 Ogy. That is not permitted, nor can it be done without a 
 Ladder. But a wooden Box covers a golden one, and that 
 being craned up with Ropes, discovers an inestimable Trea- 
 sure. 
 
 Men. What say you ? 
 
 Ogy. Gold was the basest Part. Every Thing sparkled and 
 shined with very large and scarce Jewels, some of them big- 
 ger than a Goose's Egg. There some Monks stood about 
 with the greatest Veneration. The Cover being taken off, 
 we all worshipp'd. The Prior, with a white Wand, touch'd 
 every Stone one by one, telling us the Name in French, the
 
 32 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Value of it, and who was the Donor of it. The Principal of 
 them were the Presents of Kings. 
 
 Men. He had Need to have a good Memory. 
 
 Ogy. You guess right, and yet Practice goes a great Way, 
 for he does this frequently. Hence he carried us back into 
 a Vault. There the Virgin Mary has her Residence ; it is 
 something dark, it is doubly rail'd in and encompassed about 
 with iron Bars. 
 
 Men. What is she afraid of ? 
 
 Ogy. Nothing, I suppose, but Thieves. And I never in 
 my Life saw any Thing more laden with Riches. 
 
 Men. You tell me of Riches in the Dark. 
 
 Ogy. Candles being brought in, we saw more than a 
 Royal Sight. 
 
 Men. What, does it go beyond the Parathalassian Virgin 
 in Wealth ? 
 
 Ogy. It goes far beyond in Appearance. What is con- 
 cealed she knows best. These Things are shewn to none 
 but great Persons, or peculiar Friends. In the End, we were 
 carried back into the Vestry : There was pulled out a Chest 
 covered with black Leather ; it was set upon the Table, 
 and opened. They all fell down on their Knees, and wor- 
 shipped. 
 
 Men. What was in it ? 
 
 Ogy. Pieces of Linen Rags, a great many of them retain- 
 ing still the Marks of the Snot These were those, they say, 
 that the holy Man used to wipe the Sweat off from his Face 
 and Neck with, the Snot out of his Nose, or any other such 
 Sbrt of Filth which human Bodies are not free from. Here 
 again my Gratian behaved himself in none of the most 
 obliging Manners. For the gentle Prior offered to him, being 
 an Englishman, an Acquaintance, and a Man of consider- 
 able Authority, one of the Rags for a Present, thinking he 
 had presented him with a very acceptable Gift ; but Gratian 
 unthankfully took it squeamishly in his Fingers, and laid it 
 down with an Air of Contempt, making up his Mouth at it, 
 as if he would have smack'd it. For this was his Custom, if
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 33 
 
 any Thing came in his Way that he would express his Con- 
 tempt to. I was both ashamed and afraid. Nevertheless 
 the good Prior, tho' not insensible of the Affront, seemed 
 to take no Notice of it ; and after he had civilly entertained 
 us with a Glass of Wine, dismissed us, and we went back to 
 London. 
 
 Men. What Need was there for that, when you were not 
 far from your own Shore ? 
 
 Ogy. I was not, but I industriously shunned that Shore, 
 it being more infamous for Cheats and Rapines than any 
 Rocks are for Shipwrecks. I'll tell you what I saw in my 
 last Passage that Way. There were a pretty many of us 
 upon the Shore of Calais, who were carried thence in a 
 Chaloupe to a large Ship. Among the rest there was a 
 young Frenchman that was poor and ragged, and they de- 
 manded two Pence for his Passage ; for so much they will 
 have if they carry you but a Boat's Length : He pleaded 
 Poverty. They in a Frolick would needs search him, and 
 having pulled off his Shoes, they find ten or twelve Pieces 
 of Silver between the Soles. They took the Money, laugh'd 
 at him to his Face, and banter'd the Frenchman as a Cheat 
 into the Bargain. 
 
 Men. What did the Fellow do then ? 
 
 Ogy. What should he do but lament his Misfortune ? 
 
 Men. Do they do these Things by Authority ? 
 
 Ogy. By the same Authority that they steal the Baggage 
 of a Guest in his Inn, or take his Purse upon the Road, if 
 they find an Opportunity. 
 
 Men. It is very strange that they dare to commit such 
 Villainy before so many Witnesses. 
 
 Ogy. They are so used to it, that they think they do well 
 in it. There were many in the great Ship who looked on, 
 and some English Merchants in the Boat, who grumbled at 
 it ; but to no Purpose. They boasted of it as a Piece of 
 Wit in catching the Frenchman in his Roguery. 
 
 Men. I would hang up those Coast Thieves, and laugh 
 at them, and banter them at the Gallows. 
 
 VOL. II. C
 
 34 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, both Shores abound with such Fellows. Hence 
 I make this Improvement : If the little Thieves dare to do 
 thus, what will their Masters do ? So that I had rather, for 
 the future, go ever so far about than that shortest Way. 
 And besides, as the Descent to Hell is easy, but the Return 
 is difficult ; so the Entrance of this Shore is not very easy, 
 and the getting out of it very difficult. There were at Lon- 
 don some Skippers belonging to Antwerp ; so I determined 
 to take Passage with them. 
 
 Men. Are the Skippers of that Country any better than 
 others ? 
 
 Ogy. I confess, as an Ape will always be an Ape, so a 
 Skipper will always be a Skipper : But if you compare them 
 to those that live upon the Catch, they are Angels. 
 
 Men. I shall remember it, if I ever have a Mind to visit 
 that Island. But go on again, I have led you out of the 
 Way. 
 
 Ogy. In our Journey to London, not far from Canterbury, 
 there's a narrow, hollow, steep Way, and a cragged, steep 
 Bank on either Side, so that you can't escape it ; for there 
 is no other Way to go. Upon the left Hand of that Way, 
 there is a little Cottage of old Mendicants. As soon as they 
 espy a Man on Horseback coming, one of them runs out, and 
 sprinkles him with holy Water, and then offers him the up- 
 per Leather of a Shoe, with a Brass Ring to it, in which is 
 a Glass, as if it were some Gem. Having kiss'd it, you give 
 a small Piece of Money. 
 
 Men. In such a Way, I had rather meet with a Cottage 
 of old Mendicants, than a Gang of lusty Foot Pads. 
 
 Ogy. Gratian rode on my left Hand, next to this Cottage ; 
 he was sprinkled with holy Water, and took it pretty well ; 
 but upon presenting the Shoe, he ask'd what was meant by 
 that ? This, says the poor Man, was St. Thomas's Shoe. 
 Gratian fell into a Passion, and turning to me, said, What 
 would these Brutes have ? Will they make us kiss the Shoes 
 of all that have been good Men ? Why do they not as well 
 give us their Spittle, and the other Excrements of their
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 35 
 
 Bodies, to kiss ? I pitied the poor old Man, and comforted 
 him, being sorrowful, by giving him a little Money. 
 
 Men. In my Opinion, Gratian was not angry altogether 
 without a Cause. If these Shoes and Slippers were pre- 
 served as an Argument of Moderation in living, I should 
 not dislike it : But I think it a Piece of Impudence, to thrust 
 Slippers, and Shoes, and Stockings, upon any one to be 
 kissed. If any one shall do it of their own free Choice, from a 
 great Affection to Piety, I think they deserve to be left to 
 their own Liberty. 
 
 Ogy. Not to dissemble, I think those Things had better 
 be let alone ; but in those Matters that cannot be mended 
 on a sudden, it is my Way to make the best of them. In the 
 mean Time my Mind was delighted with this Contempla- 
 tion, that a good Man was like a Sheep, and a wicked Man 
 like a hurtful Beast. A Viper indeed cannot bite when it 
 is dead, yet it is infectious by its Stink and Corruption. A 
 Sheep, while it lives, nourishes us with its Milk, cloaths us 
 with its Wool, and enriches us by its Increase ; when it is 
 dead, it supplies us with Leather, and is every Part of it fit 
 to be eaten. In like Manner, Men that are furious and de- 
 voted to this World, while they live are troublesome to all 
 Persons, and when they are dead, are a Disturbance to those 
 that are alive, with the Noise of the Bells and a pompous 
 Funeral ; and sometimes to their Successors at their entring 
 upon their Possessions, by causing new Exactions. But 
 good Men make themselves profitable, in all Respects, to the 
 whole World. As this Saint, while he was alive, by his Ex- 
 ample, his Doctrine, and Admonitions, invited to Piety, 
 comforted the Friendless, succoured the Needy ; so now he 
 is dead, he is in some Sort more useful. He built this mag- 
 nificent Church, and advanced the Authority of the Priest- 
 hood all over England : And now, after all, this Fragment 
 of his Shoe maintains a Conventicle of poor Men. 
 
 Men. That indeed is a very pious Contemplation : But I 
 admire, since you are of this Mind, that you never went to 
 see St. Patrick 's Den, of which the People say so many pro- 
 digious Things, that I can scarce think likely to be true.
 
 36 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ogy. Nay, there is no Report of it can be so prodigious, 
 but that the Thing itself exceeds it. 
 
 Men. Why then, did you ever enter into it ? 
 
 Ogy. Yes, I have ferried over a Lake truly Stygian, and 
 descended into the very Jaws of Avernus, and seen all that 
 is done in Hell. 
 
 Men. You'll bless me, if you shall not think much to re- 
 late it. 
 
 Ogy. I think this Preface of our Discourse has been prolix 
 enough. I am going Home to give Order to get Supper 
 ready ; for I have not dined yet. 
 
 Men. Why have you had no Dinner ? Is it upon a reli- 
 gious Account ? 
 
 Ogy. No, but out of Spite. 
 
 Men. What, do you spite your Belly ? 
 
 Ogy. No, but unconscionable Victuallers, who, altho' they 
 serve you with what is not fit to be eaten, make no Scruple 
 of demanding for it an unreasonable Price. This is the Way 
 that I revenge myself on them : If I am in Hope of a good 
 Supper, either at an Acquaintance's, or at an Eating-House, 
 that is any Thing tolerable, my Stomach fails me at Dinner. 
 If Fortune throws in my Way a Dinner, such as I like, then 
 my Stomach fails me at Supper-Time. 
 
 Men. And are you not ashamed to be so stingy and 
 sneaking ? 
 
 Ogy. Believe me, Menedemus, in such Cases as this, those 
 that make Use of their Modesty, employ it to a wrong 
 Use. I have learned to keep my Bashfulness for other Pur- 
 poses. 
 
 Men. I do e'en long for the Remainder of your Story, 
 and therefore expect me at Supper, and there you may tell 
 it more at Leisure. 
 
 Ogy. In Truth, I give you Thanks for taking the Free- 
 dom to invite yourself, when many who are invited with 
 Earnestness, won't accept of it : But I will thank you over 
 and over, if you shall sup at Home to Night ; for my Time 
 will be taken up in congratulating my Family. But I have
 
 The Religious Pilgrimage. 37 
 
 Advice to give you that will be more commodious for us 
 both. Do you provide a Dinner at your House for me and 
 my Wife to-Morrow, and I'll proceed in my Story till Sup- 
 per-Time, till you shall say, you have your Belly-full ; and 
 if you are contented so, we won't leave you at Supper nei- 
 ther. What, do you scratch your Head ? Do you but make 
 Provision, and I'll give you my Word we will come without 
 fail. 
 
 Men. I like Stories best gratis. However, come, I'll pro- 
 vide a Dinner for you, but it shall be an unsavoury one, if 
 you don't make it relishing with your Stories. 
 
 Ogy. But hark ye, han't I set you a-gog to go on Pil- 
 grimages ? 
 
 Men. Perhaps you may, by that Time you have finish'd 
 your Relation ; but as I find myself at present, I have 
 enough to do to travel my Roman Stations. 
 
 Ogy. Roman ones, you who never saw Rome ? 
 
 Men. I'll tell you : After that Manner I walk about my 
 House, I go to my Study, and take Care of my Daughter's 
 Chastity ; thence I go into my Shop, and see what my Ser- 
 vants are doing ; then into the Kitchen, and see if any Thing 
 be amiss there ; and so from one Place to another, to observe 
 what my Wife, and what my Children are doing, taking Care 
 that every one be at his Business. These are my Roman 
 Stations. 
 
 Ogy. But St. James would take Care of these Things for 
 you. 
 
 Men. The Holy Scriptures enjoin me to look after them 
 myself, but I do not find any Text to leave them to the 
 Saints.
 
 i xer o $ A n A. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy contains an ingenious Discourse concern- 
 ing human Constitutions, which, thd not altogether 
 to be rejected, yet are not to be so much set by as some 
 Persons do, wJw in a Manner prefer them before the 
 divine Law itself. Others again, abuse both divine 
 and human Constitutions, making them serve their 
 own Profit and tyrannical Disposition. Wliat Per- 
 sons, and how far human Constitutions are binding, 
 what tliey conduce to, and how much they differ from 
 divine. The preposterous Judgment of Women con- 
 cerning them is blamed. Many Incommodities pro- 
 ceed from eating of Fish, not only to Bodies, but 
 also to Minds. The barbarous Cruelty of them tJtat 
 forbid the Use of Flesh to sickly Persons. Why tfie 
 Ceremonial Law was abolished. The Pontifical 
 Laws require Things more burdensome than the 
 Ceremonial Laws of the Jews. The Custom of 
 baptizing new-born Infants is reprehended. Tlie 
 Popish Ceremonies are a great Obstacle to many 
 from embracing tJte Christian Religion. T/iat tJiere 
 might be a general Peace in the Christian World, if 
 ttie Emperor would remit something of his Right, 
 and the Pope something of his. The God Terminus, 
 what lie is. Human Laws are not binding of them-
 
 selves. God commands nothing injurious to the 
 Health either of Soul or Body, not so much as Fast- 
 ing. The common Custom of Mankind is to fear 
 and reverence God and his Worship, less than Man. 
 
 A BUTCHER and a SALT-FISHMONGER. 
 
 RUT. Tell me, silly Seller of Salt-Fish, han't you bought 
 a Halter yet ? 
 
 Fish. A Halter, Butcher ? 
 
 But. Yes, I say an Halter. 
 
 Fish. For what ? 
 
 But. To hang yourself with. 
 
 Fish. Let them buy Halters that want them, I'm not 
 weary of my Life yet. 
 
 But. But you will be weary of it quickly. 
 
 Fish. God send that may rather be your Case than mine. 
 What's the Matter ? 
 
 But. I'll tell you, if you don't know. Here's a Time com- 
 ing upon you, that you and your Brother Tradesmen will 
 be all starv'd to Death, and ready to hang yourselves out of 
 the Way. 
 
 Fish. Easy, easy, Butcher, God send this may be our Ene- 
 mies Case, and not ours. But prithee, Butcher, how came 
 you to be a Fortune-Teller all on a sudden, to divine such a 
 Calamity. 
 
 But. 'Tis no Guess- Work, I promise you ; do not flatter 
 yourself, 'tis Matter of Fact 
 
 Fish. You fright me out of my Wits ; if you have any 
 Thing to say, let us have it out. 
 
 But. I'll tell you to your Cost. Here's a Dispensation of 
 the College of Cardinals coming out, for every Body to eat 
 what he lists. Then what will you and your Fraternity do, 
 but be starved to Death in the Midst of your Heaps of 
 stinking Salt-Fish. 
 
 Fish. They that have a Mind to it may feed upon Snails
 
 4O Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 or Nettles, with all my Heart But is there a Prohibition 
 that no Body shall eat Fish ? 
 
 But. No. But every Body is at Liberty to eat Flesh, that 
 has a Mind to it. 
 
 Fish. If what you predict be true, you rather deserve to 
 be hang'd than I ; and if it be false, you have more Need 
 to buy a Halter. For I hope for a better Trade for the 
 future. 
 
 But. You may have Stock enough by you, but your Belly's 
 full of Fasting. But if you'll hear the best of the Story, you 
 may live a little cleanlier than you used to do, and not 
 have Occasion to wipe your snotty, scabby Nose upon your 
 Elbow. 
 
 Fish. Ha, ha, now it is come out at last : The Kettle calls 
 the Pot Black-Arse. Is there any Part of a Butcher cleaner 
 and sweeter than his Backside ? I wish what you say were 
 true, but I'm afraid you only feed me with Fancies. 
 
 But. What I tell you is too true to make a Jest on. But, 
 prithee, how do you promise yourself a better Trade upon 
 this Consideration ? 
 
 Fish. Because People are of that Humour, that they are 
 most desirous of that which is forbidden. 
 
 But. What then ? 
 
 Fish, When they are at Liberty to eat Flesh, they will 
 eat least of it ; and then no Entertainment will be accounted 
 noble, but what has Fish at it, as it used to be in old Time : 
 So I shall be glad if there be a Licence to eat Flesh. And 
 I wish heartily that the eating Fish were forbidden too, 
 then People would covet it more earnestly. 
 
 But. Well wish'd indeed. 
 
 Fish. I should wish so too if I were like you, and aim'd 
 at nothing but getting Money, for the Sake of which thou 
 sendest that lumpish, Flesh-fed Soul of thine to the Devil. 
 
 But. You are very smart upon me, but what you say is 
 very silly. 
 
 Fish. What is it puts the See of Rome upon the relaxing 
 the Law for prohibiting eating of Flesh, that has been ob- 
 served for so many Ages ?
 
 'I%6vo(f)ayia. 4 1 
 
 But. Why, indeed, they have had a Mind to do it a great 
 While ago, and for this Reason, That they think, as it really 
 is, that the City is defiled by Salt-Fishmongers ; the Lands, 
 the Waters, Rivers, Air, and Fire are infected, and all the 
 other Elements, if there be any more ; Mens Bodies cor- 
 rupted, and filled with putrid Humours by the Eating of 
 Fish ; from whence proceed Fevers, Consumptions, Gouts, 
 Falling-Sicknesses, Leprosies, and what not of Diseases. 
 
 Fish. But prithee tell me, Hippocrates, how it comes to 
 pass, that in well-govern'd Cities it is forbid to kill Oxen 
 and Hogs within the Walls of the City ? For it would tend 
 more to the Healthfulness of the City, if they were restrain'd 
 from killing Sheep in it too. Why is there a certain Place 
 appointed for Butchers apart from others, but lest if they 
 had Liberty to rove about, and settle any where, they should 
 infect the whole City ? Is there any Kind of Stink so pesti- 
 lential as that of the corrupted Blood and Gore of Beasts ? 
 
 But. They are mere Perfumes compared to stinking Fish. 
 
 Fish. You, perhaps, may think them Perfumes, but it is a 
 Sign the Magistrates thought otherwise that expell'd you 
 the City. Besides that, how fragrant your Slaughter-Houses 
 smell is very plainly seen, by Peoples stopping their Noses 
 when they pass by them, and that they had rather have ten 
 Bawds for their Neighbours, than one Butcher. 
 
 But. Whole Ponds and Rivers are little enough for you 
 to wash your stinking Salt-Fish in ; for as the old Saying is, 
 You do but attempt to wash the Blackmoor white ; for a Fish 
 will always smell like a Fish, tho' you perfume it. Nor is it 
 to be wonder'd at, that they smell so strong when they are 
 dead, when many stink alive, and as soon as they are taken. 
 Flesh, pickled up, is so far from stinking, that it may be pre- 
 served many Years, and smell as sweet as a Violet at last. 
 Nay, being but salted up with common Salt, will never 
 stink ; and being hung up a drying in Smoke, or Wind, will 
 have no ill Scent. But do what you will to a Fish it will 
 smell like a Fish still. It is evident, there is no Stink to be 
 compared to that of Fish ; that Fish corrupts even Salt it-
 
 42 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 self, which was given for the very End of preserving Things 
 from Putrefaction, by shutting, binding up, and also forcing 
 out that which should produce any Thing nauseous, and 
 drying up the Humours within, from whence Putrefaction 
 might come : Fish is the only Thing on which Salt loses its 
 Efficacy. It may be some nice Beau or other may stop his 
 Nose as he passes by a Butcher's Shop, but no Body can 
 bear to be in the Boat where your Salt-Fish is. If a Travel- 
 ler chance to meet a Cart loaden with Salt-Fish on the Road, 
 how does he run away, stop his Nose, hawk and spit, and 
 curse the stinking Cargo ? And if it were possible that Salt- 
 Fish could be carried sweet into the City, as we do our Beef, 
 when killed and dressed, the Law would be laid aside. But 
 besides, what can you say as to them that stink while they are 
 eaten ? And besides, how often do we see your condemn'd 
 Ware thrown into the Rivers by the Clerks of the Markets, 
 and a Fine put upon you for selling it ? And we should see 
 that oftner, but that they, corrupted by you, don't so much 
 regard the City's Good, as their own Profit. Nor is this the 
 only Thing that you are notorious for ; but besides that, 
 there is a wicked Combination among you, to hinder fresh 
 from coming to Town. 
 
 Fish. Pray, did no Body ever know a Butcher fined for 
 killing measled Pork, or selling Mutton drowned in a Ditch, 
 or maggotty Shoulders of Mutton dawb'd over with fresh 
 Blood, to make 'em look as if new killed ? 
 
 But. But no Body ever knew such an Instance of us as 
 has been known by you lately, that nine Persons were 
 poisoned by one Eel baked in a Pie : And this is what you 
 furnish Citizens Tables with. 
 
 Fish. What you speak of was an Accident, and no Body 
 can help that, when it pleases God it shall fall out so. But 
 'tis a daily Practice with you to sell young Cats for Rabbits, 
 and Puppies for Hares, if People don't know 'em by their 
 Ears, and rough Feet ; not to speak of your Meat-Pies made 
 of dead Mens Flesh. 
 
 But. That which you charge me with is the Failings of
 
 . 43 
 
 Men in common ; and let them defend themselves that are 
 guilty of the Fault : I make my Comparison between Gain 
 and Gain. By the same Reason you may condemn Gar- 
 deners, who, by mistake, sell Henbane for Coleworts ; or 
 Apothecaries, who administer Poison instead of Antidotes. 
 There is no Trade, or Calling, that is not liable to these 
 Mistakes. But you, when you act the most faithfully in your 
 Calling, sell that which is Poison. If indeed you sold a 
 Cramp-Fish, a Water-Snake, or a Sea-Hare, catch'd among 
 other Fish, it would be an Accident rather than a Fault. 
 Nor do I think it any more to be imputed to you, than to a 
 Physician, that sometimes kills the Patient he undertakes to 
 cure. And this might be excusable, if you only put off your 
 stinking Wares in the Winter Season ; then the Cold might 
 mitigate the Contagiousness of Infection : But you add pu- 
 trid Matter to the Fire of the Summer Season, and ren- 
 der Autumn, which is of itself a sickly Season, more sickly. 
 And in the Spring of the Year, when the Humours that 
 have been lock'd up begin to flow, to the Hazard of the 
 Body, then for two whole Months you exercise your Ty- 
 ranny, and corrupt the Infancy of the springing Year, by 
 bringing an Old Age upon it : And when Nature is busied 
 to purge the Body from unwholsome Juices, and make it 
 fresh and blooming with new, you throw into it mere Stinks 
 and Corruption ; so that if there be any vitious Humours in 
 the Body, you increase 'em, adding worse to bad, and not 
 only so, but corrupting the good Juices of the Body. But 
 this might be borne with too, if you only injured the Body; 
 but inasmuch as by different Foods the Organs of the Mind 
 are vitiated, you vitiate the very Minds themselves. So 
 that do but mind your Fish-Eaters, how like Fishes do they 
 look, pale, stinking, stupid and mute ? 
 
 Fish. O rare Thaks \ But prithee, how wise are they that 
 live upon Beets ? just as much as the Beets themselves. 
 What Sort of Fellows are they that feed upon Beef, Mut- 
 ton, and Goats Flesh ? truly, like Oxen, Sheep, and Goats 
 themselves. You sell Kids for a mighty Delicacy, and yet
 
 44 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 this Creature is very bad for the Falling-Sickness, and brings 
 that Distemper upon the Flesh-Eaters. Were it not better 
 to satisfy a craving Appetite with Salt- Fish ? 
 
 But. Do you think then that all that your Naturalists write 
 is true ? But were what they say ever so true, it is certain, 
 that to some Persons that are inclinable to Diseases, those 
 Things that are good of themselves, prove hurtful. We sell 
 Kids for those that are troubled with the Hectick, or Phthi- 
 sick, but not for those that have the Vapours. 
 
 Fish. If the eating of Fish be so prejudicial, as you would 
 insinuate, how comes it about, that our Superiors permit us 
 to sell our Ware the whole Year, and make you keep Holy- 
 Day for a good Part of it ? 
 
 But. That's none of my Business to answer. But it may 
 be, this was the Contrivance of wicked Doctors, that they 
 might get the more Money. 
 
 Fish. I don't know what Doctors they are that you speak 
 of ; for I am sure none are greater Enemies to Fish than 
 they are. 
 
 But. Goodman Coxcomb, to set you right in this Matter, 
 it is not for your Sake, nor the Love of Fish ; for none are 
 more averse than they to the eating it, but 'tis their own 
 Game they play. The more People are troubled with 
 Coughs, Consumptions, and Chronick Distempers, the more 
 they get by it. 
 
 Fish. I won't advocate for Doctors in this Matter ; let 
 them avenge their own Quarrel, when they get thee into 
 their Clutches. The antient Sanctimony of Life, the Autho- 
 rity of the most Approved, the Majesty of Bishops, and the 
 publick Usage of Christian Nations, are enough for my Pur- 
 pose : All which, if you tax of Madness, I had rather be mad 
 with them than be sober with Butchers. 
 
 But. You decline being an Advocate for Doctors, and so 
 do I to be an Accuser or Censurer of the Antients, or com- 
 mon Custom. Those it is my Custom to revere, but not 
 revile. 
 
 Fish. You're more cautious than pious in this Point, or 
 I'm mistaken in you, Butcher.
 
 But. In my Opinion, they are the wisest, that have least to 
 do with those that carry Thunderbolts in their Hands. But 
 however, I won't conceal what I understand from my Bible, 
 translated into my Mother Tongue, that I sometimes read 
 in. 
 
 Fish. What now, the Butcher's turn'd Parson too. 
 
 But. I am of the Opinion, that Mankind, in the first Ages, 
 being newly form'd out of primitive Clay, were of more 
 healthful Constitutions. This appears by their Vivacity. 
 More than that, I believe, Paradise was a Place commo- 
 diously situated, and in a very healthy Climate. Such 
 Bodies, in such a Situation, might be sustained without 
 Food, by breathing the very Air, and Fragrancy of Herbs, 
 Trees, and Flowers, that exhaled every where, and especially 
 the Earth, spontaneously producing all Things in Abundance, 
 without Man's Sweating or Toiling, who was neither infected 
 with Distempers, nor Old Age. The Dressing of such a Gar- 
 den was not a Toil, but rather a Pleasure. 
 
 Fish. Hitherto you seem to be right. 
 
 But. Of the various Increase of so fertile a Garden no- 
 thing was prohibited, but the Use of one single Tree. 
 
 Fish. That's true too. 
 
 But. And that for this Reason only, That they might pay 
 their Acknowlegement to their Lord and Creator by Obe- 
 dience. 
 
 Fish. All this is very right. 
 
 But. Moreover, I verily believe, that the new Earth pro- 
 duced every Thing better in its Kind, and of a more nutritive 
 Juice, than it does now, grown old, and almost past Bearing. 
 
 Fish. Well, I grant it. Take that for granted. 
 
 Btit. And that especially in Paradise. 
 
 Fish. It is very probable. 
 
 But. If so, then Eating was rather for the Sake of Plea- 
 sure, than Necessity. 
 
 Fish. I have heard so. 
 
 But. At that Time to abstain from eating Flesh, was 
 rather Humanity than Sanctity.
 
 46 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Fish. I don't know. I read that the Eating of Flesh was 
 permitted after the Flood, but I don't read it was forbidden 
 before : But to what Purpose were it, to permit it, if it were 
 permitted before ? 
 
 But. Why don't we eat Frogs ? Not because they are for- 
 bidden, but because we have an Aversion to them. How 
 can you tell, whether God might not instruct Man what Food 
 human Nature required, and not what he permitted ? 
 
 Fish. I can't divine. 
 
 But. But presently after Man's Creation, we read, Rule 
 ye over the Fish of the Sea, the Fowls of tfte A ir, and every 
 living Creature that moveth upon the Face of the Earth. What 
 Use was there of the Government of 'em, if it were not law- 
 ful to eat them ? 
 
 Fish. O cruel Master ! Do you eat your Men and Maid- 
 Servants, your Wife and Children ? Why don't you, at the 
 same Time, eat your Chamber-Pot ? for you are Master of 
 that too. 
 
 But. But, prithee, hear me again, thou silly Salt-Fishmon- 
 ger. There is a real Use of other Things, and not a bare 
 Name of Dominion only. A Horse carries me upon his 
 Back, and a Camel my Baggage. But what Use are Fish 
 of, but to be eaten ? 
 
 Fish. As if there were not Abundance of Fish that are 
 good for Physick. And besides, there are a great many that 
 were created merely for the Sake of Contemplation, and to 
 carry us forth to admire their Creator. It may be, you don't 
 believe that Dolphins carry Men on their Backs. In the last 
 Place, there are some Fish that are useful to foretell a Tem- 
 pest, as the Echinus, or Sea-Urchin ; and would you not 
 wish to have such a Servant in your own House ? 
 
 But. Suppose that be granted, that before the Flood it was 
 not lawful to eat any Food, but the Fruits of the Earth ; it 
 was no great Matter to abstain from those Things the Ne- 
 cessity of the Body did not require, and in the Killing of 
 which was Cruelty ; yet you will allow, that in the Begin- 
 ning, the Eating of living Creatures was permitted, by Reason
 
 'I%0vo<f)ayia. 4 7 
 
 of the Weakness of human Bodies. The Deluge had brought 
 in a cold Temperament ; and at this Time we see, those 
 that live in cold Climates, are greater Eaters than others in 
 hotter ; and the Flood had either quite destroy'd, or at least 
 spoiled, the Products of the Earth. 
 
 Fish. That is granted. 
 
 But. And yet, after the Deluge, they lived above 200 
 Years. 
 
 Fish. I believe they did. 
 
 But. Why then did God afterwards, as Moses commanded, 
 tie up Persons of a weaker Constitution, and shorter-liv'd, 
 to some particular Kinds of living Creatures, which he per- 
 mitted to those of a stronger, without Exception ? 
 
 Fish. Just as if it were my Province to give a Reason for 
 what God did ! But I believe, that God did then, as Masters 
 do now, who contract their Indulgence towards their Ser- 
 vants, when they see them abuse their Lenity. So we for- 
 bear to feed a Horse with Oats and Beans, when he grows 
 pamper'd, and too mettlesome, give him Hay more sparingly, 
 and ride him with a curb Bridle, and a sharper Spur. Man- 
 kind had thrown off all Reverence of the Deity, and lived 
 as licentiously, as if there was no God at all. Upon this Ac- 
 count, the Lattices of the Law, and Bars of Ceremonies, the 
 Bridles of Threatnings and Precepts, were made Use of, to 
 bring them to know themselves. 
 
 But. What then, do those Bars of the Law hold us in at 
 this Day too ? 
 
 Fish. Inasmuch as the Asperity of carnal Servitude is re- 
 moved, we being by the Gospel adopted Sons of God : there 
 being an Augmentation of Grace, there is a Diminution of 
 the Number of Precepts. 
 
 But. How comes it to pass, that when God calls his Cove- 
 nant everlasting, and Christ denies that he dissolved the 
 Law, but fulfilled it ; by what Confidence, I say, do Men of 
 After-Ages dare to abrogate good Part of it ? 
 
 Fish. That Law was not given to the Gentiles ; and there- 
 fore it seemed meet to the Apostles, not to burden them
 
 48 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 with the Load of Circumcision, lest, as the Jews, even at 
 this Day, do, they should rather place the Hope of their 
 Salvation in corporal Observances, than in Faith and Love 
 towards God. 
 
 But. I forbear to speak of the Gentiles ; what Scripture is 
 there, that says plainly of the Jews, that if they did embrace 
 the Gospel, they should be freed from the Servitude of the 
 Mosaical Law ? 
 
 Fish. That was prophesied by the Prophets, who promise 
 a new Covenant and a new Heart, and introduce God, as 
 abhorring the Festival Days of the Jews, aversating their 
 Meat-Offerings, abhorring their Fasts, rejecting their Gifts, 
 and desiring a People of circumcised Hearts ; and the Lord 
 himself confirmed what they had promised, who, holding 
 forth to his Disciples his Body and Blood, calls it the New 
 Testament. If nothing be abolished of the old, why is this 
 called a new one ? The Lord did not only abrogate the 
 Jewish Choice of Meats by his Example, but by his Doc- 
 trine ; when he denies that Man is defiled by Meats which 
 go into the Stomach, and pass thence into the Draught. He 
 teaches Peter the same by a Vision : And Peter himself 
 shews the same, in that he, with Paul and others, eat of 
 common Meats, from which the Law commanded them to 
 abstain. Paul treats in this Manner every where in his 
 Epistles, nor is there any Doubt, but what Christians now 
 practise, was handed down to us by Tradition from the 
 Apostles themselves. So that the Jews were not so properly 
 set at Liberty, as weaned from Superstition, as from the Milk 
 to which they had been accustomed and made familiar ; but 
 now was grown out of Season. Neither is the Law abro- 
 gated, but it is but requisite, that that Part of it should give 
 Way, which was not essential. Leaves and Flowers bespeak 
 Fruit coming ; and when a Tree is loaded with that, no Body 
 covets the Flowers. Nor is any Body sorry that his Son's 
 Puerility is gone, when Maturity of Age is come : Nor does 
 any Body call for Candles and Torches, when the Sun is 
 gotten above the Horizon : Nor does a School-Master com-
 
 40 
 
 plain, if a Son, being come to Man's Estate, puts in his Claim 
 for Freedom, and, in his Turn, has the Master under his Tui- 
 tion. A Pledge ceases to be a Pledge, when the Thing pro- 
 mised is produced. The Spouse comforts herself with the 
 Bridegroom's Letters, till she is married ; she kisses his 
 Presents, embraces his Picture ; but when she comes to 
 enjoy his Company, she disregards those Things she before 
 admired for the Sake of it. The Jews, at first, were very 
 hardly brought off from those Things they had been accus- 
 tomed to ; which is just as if a Child that had been used to 
 suck, being grown a lusty Fellow, should cry for the Breast, 
 and slight more solid Food. So they were forced, as it were, 
 from those Figures, Shadows, and temporary Comforts, that 
 they might entirely turn themselves to him, whom that Law 
 had promised and shadowed out. 
 
 But. Who would have expected so much Divinity from a 
 Seller of Salt-fish ? 
 
 Fish. I used to serve the Dominican College in our City 
 with Fish ; and, by that Means they often dine with me, and 
 I sometimes with them ; and I gather'd these Things from 
 their Discourses. 
 
 But. In Truth, instead of a Seller of Salt-Fish, you deserve 
 to be a Seller of fresh Fish. But prithee tell me, If you 
 were a Jew, (for I cannot very well tell, whether you are one 
 or not,) and you were like to be starved with Hunger, would 
 you eat Swine's Flesh, or rather die ? 
 
 Fish. I can't very well tell what I should do ; for I do not 
 yet well understand what I ought to do. 
 
 But. God has forbid both ; Thou shalt not kill, and thou 
 shalt not eat Swine's Flesh. In such a Case as this, which 
 Precept must give Way to the other ? 
 
 Fish. In the first Place, it does not appear, that God has 
 forbidden the Eating Swine's Flesh, meaning, that a Man 
 should rather be accessory to his own Death, than eat it. 
 For the Lord excuses David, in that he eat Shew-Bread con- 
 trary to the Letter of the Law : And in the Babylonish 
 Captivity, many Things were omitted by the Jews, which 
 
 VOL. II. D
 
 50 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 were required by the Law. Secondly, I am of Opinion, that 
 the Law which Nature has dictated, and therefore is perpet- 
 ual and inviolable, ought to be accounted the more obliga- 
 tory, which never was, nor ever will be abrogated. 
 
 But. But why then were the Maccabees so much com- 
 mended, that chose rather to die than eat Swine's Flesh ? 
 
 Fish. I suppose, because this Eating being required by the 
 King, did comprise in itself a Denial in the general of the 
 Law of the Country ; as Circumcision, which the Jews en- 
 deavoured to obtrude on the Gentiles, carried in it a Profes- 
 sion of the whole Law ; just as Money given in Earnest, 
 obliges to the Performance of the whole Contract 
 
 But. Well then, if this more gross Part of the Law is 
 justly taken away, after the Exhibition of the Gospel, by 
 what Authority are either the same, or like Things, imposed 
 upon us, especially when our Lord calls his Yoke an easy 
 one, and Peter, in the Acts of the Apostles, calls the Law 
 of the Jews a hard one, which neither they, nor their Fa- 
 thers, were able to bear ? Circumcision is taken away, but 
 Baptism came in the Room of it, and indeed, I was about to 
 say, with a harder Condition. That was deferr'd till the 
 eighth Day, and if any Thing happen'd to the Child in that 
 Time, the Vow of Circumcision was taken for Circumcision 
 itself. But we dip Children, scarce well got out of the dark 
 Caverns of the Mother's Womb, all over in cold Water, which 
 has stood a long Time in a stony Font, (not to say while it 
 stinks) and if it chance to die upon the first Day, or in its 
 very Ingress into the World, tho' there be no Fault neither 
 in its Parents nor Friends, the poor Babe is doom'd to eter- 
 nal Damnation. 
 
 Fish. They do say so indeed. 
 
 But. The Sabbath is abrogated ; nay indeed, not abro- 
 gated, but translated to the Sunday. What does it signify ? 
 The Mosaick Law enjoin'd a few Fast-Days ; but what a 
 Number have we added to them ? And as to the Choice of 
 Meats, how much freer were the Jews than we are, who were 
 at Liberty to eat Sheep, Capons, Partridges, and Kids, all the
 
 c j 
 
 Year round ? They were forbid the Use of no Garment, 
 but what was mix'd with Linen and Woollen : But now, be- 
 sides the appointed and forbidden Forms and Colours of a 
 great Number of Garments, the Head must be shaven too, 
 some after one Manner, and some another. Not to mention 
 that heavy Burden of Confession, the Wallets of human Con- 
 stitutions, Tythes, and those not single ones neither ; Mat- 
 rimony skrew'd up into too narrow a Compass, the new 
 Laws of Affinity, and Abundance of other Things, which 
 render the Jew s Circumstances much more easy than ours. 
 
 Fish. Indeed, Butcher, you are much out of the Way, the 
 Yoke of Christ is not to be accounted for by that Rule you 
 imagine. A Christian is tyed up in many Points, and to 
 harder Circumstances, and liable to a greater Punishment : 
 But to make Amends for this, the greater Strength of Faith 
 and Love that is added, makes those Things pleasant which 
 by Nature are burdensome. 
 
 But. Pray tell me, why, when the Holy Spirit descended 
 from Heaven of old, in the Shape of fiery Tongues, and en- 
 rich'd the Hearts of Believers with a more copious Gift of 
 Faith and Charity, why was the Burden of the Law taken 
 away from them, as from Persons weak, and in Danger under 
 an unequal Yoke ? Why did Peter, by the Inspiration of the 
 Spirit, call it an intolerable Burden ? 
 
 Fish. It was taken away on one Part, lest Judaism, as it 
 had begun, should overwhelm the Glory of the Gospel ; and 
 lest the Gentiles, by the Stumbling-Block of the Law, should 
 be alienated from Christ, among whom there were many 
 weak Persons, who were in a double Danger : On the one 
 Hand, lest they should believe there was no Salvation to be 
 had without the Observation of the Law ; and on the other 
 Hand, lest they should rather chuse to remain in Paganism, 
 than take upon them the Yoke of the Mosaick Law. It was 
 necessary to allure these weak Minds, as it were, with a Bait 
 of Liberty. Secondly, That they might heal them who de- 
 ny'd there was any Hope of Salvation by the Profession of 
 the Gospel, without the Observation of the Law, Circumci-
 
 52 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 sion, Sabbaths, the Choice of Meats, and other Things of 
 that Kind, they either wholly took away, or changed into 
 something else. And besides, whereas Peter denies that he 
 was able to bear the Burden of the Law, it is not to be un- 
 derstood of him as to the Person he then bare, when there 
 was nothing unbearable to him, but of the stupid and weak 
 Jews, who, tho' they were cloy'd with it, fed upon the Husk, 
 not having any Relish of the Spirit. 
 
 But. You argue indeed very smartly. But for all that, in 
 my Opinion, even at this Day, there is no less Reason why 
 those carnal Obligations that are arbitrary, and not obliga- 
 tory, should be taken away. 
 
 Fish. Why so ? 
 
 But. I lately saw the whole World described in a large 
 Map ; from thence I learn'd how small a Part of the World 
 it was, that truly and sincerely professed the Christian Reli- 
 gion : One small Part of Europe to the East, and another 
 towards the North ; the third inclining towards the South, 
 but reaching but a little Way ; and the fourth Part, which 
 is Poland, inclining towards the East. All the Rest of the 
 World is either possess'd by Barbarians, or such as differ 
 but very little from brute Beasts ; or Schismaticks, or Here- 
 ticks, or both. 
 
 Fish. But did you not mind the Southern Shore, and the 
 Christian Islands that lay scatter'd about it ? 
 
 But. I saw them, and learn'd that there were great Spoils 
 brought out of them, but no Christianity carry'd into them. 
 When indeed, when there is so plentiful a Harvest, it seems 
 most adviseable for the Propagation of the Christian Reli- 
 gion, to do as the Apostle did, who took away the Burden 
 of the Mosaick Law, lest the Gentiles should fall back : so 
 now to allure the weak, the Obligations to some Ceremonies 
 should be removed ; without which the World was saved in 
 the Beginning, and may now, if it hath Faith and Gospel 
 Charity. Again, I both hear and see many who place Re- 
 ligion in Places, Garments, Meats, Fasts, Gestures and Songs, 
 and for the Sake of these Things judge their Neighbour con-
 
 trary to the Precept of the Gospel. From whence it comes 
 to pass, that whereas Faith and Charity constitute the 
 Christian Religion, they are both extinguished by those Su- 
 perstitions. For he is far from the Faith of the Gospel who 
 depends upon these Acts ; and he is far from Christian 
 Charity, who for the Sake of Meat or Drink, which a Person 
 may lawfully use, exasperates his Brother, for whose Liberty 
 Christ died. What bitter Contentions do we see among 
 Christians ! What spightful Calumnies upon Account of a 
 Garment differently tied, or of different Colours than what 
 is customary, and about that Sort of Food which the Water 
 produces, and that which the Land produces ! And if this 
 Evil had reach'd but a few, it might have been slighted. But 
 now we see the whole World in a Flame, on Account of these 
 deadly Contentions. These and such like Things, were they 
 removed, we should both live in greater Concord, not mind- 
 ing Ceremonies, but pressing after those Things which Christ 
 hath taught us ; and the Nations of the World would the 
 more readily embrace Religion, were it accompanied with 
 Liberty. 
 
 Fish. But there is no Salvation out of the Pale of the 
 Church. 
 
 But. I confess it. 
 
 Fish. Whosoever does not own the Authority of the Pope, 
 is out of the Pale of the Church. 
 
 But. I don't deny that neither. 
 
 Fish. But he that neglects his Injunctions does not own 
 him. 
 
 But. But I hope a Time will come, that the Pope, who is 
 Clement by Name, and most of all so by Nature, will miti- 
 gate all these Things, which hitherto seem to have alienated 
 some People from the Roman Church ; that he may bring 
 all Nations to the Communion of it, and will rather pursue 
 those Things that are for the Good of the Church, than his 
 own private Interest. I hear daily Complaints of yearly 
 Offerings, Pardons, Dispensations, and other Exactions and 
 Church Grievances ; but I believe he will so moderate all
 
 54 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Things, that in Time to come it would be impudent to com- 
 plain. 
 
 Fish. I wish all Monarchs would do the like, and then I 
 would not doubt but Christianity, which is now confined to 
 a narrow Compass, would extend itself, when the barbarous 
 Nations did perceive that they were called not to human 
 Servitude, but to Gospel Liberty ; and that they were not 
 sought after to be made a Prey of, but to a Fellow-Enjoy- 
 ment of Happiness and Holiness. If once they came to be 
 united with us, and found in us Manners truly Christian, 
 they would of their own Accord offer us more than the ut- 
 most Violence can extort from them. 
 
 But. I should soon hope to see that accomplish'd, if that 
 mischievous Ate that has engaged the two most mighty 
 Monarchs in the World in a bloody War, were sent to her 
 Place (i. e. to the Dogs.) 
 
 Fish. I admire that that is not done already, when no- 
 thing can be imagined more humane than Francis, and I 
 look upon it, that Charles has had Principles instilled into 
 him by his Masters, that by how much the more Fortune 
 enlarges the Bounds of his Empire, by so much the more he 
 encreases in Clemency and Bounty ; besides that good Hu- 
 mour and Lenity is peculiar to his Age. 
 
 But. You won't find that they will be wanting in any 
 Thing. 
 
 Fish. What then is it, that hinders the Accomplishment 
 of that which all the World wishes for ? 
 
 But. Why, the Lawyers have not yet come to an Agree- 
 ment about Bounds and Limits, and you know that the 
 Storm of a Comedy always ends in the Calm of a Matri- 
 mony ; and the Tragedies of Princes commonly end in the 
 like Manner. But in Comedies Matches are quickly made 
 up, but among great Men, Matters move but slowly ; and it 
 is better to have a Wound long in healing, than presently to 
 break out again in an Ulcer. 
 
 Fish. But do you think Marriages to be firm Bonds of 
 Amity ?
 
 c c 
 
 But. I would have them so indeed ; but I see sometimes 
 the sharpest Contentions rise from them ; and when once a 
 War arises between near Kindred, it not only is more ex- 
 tensive, but harder to be made up. 
 
 Fish. I confess it, and acknowledge it to be true. 
 But. But do you think it fit, that because of the Conten- 
 tions and Delays of Lawyers, in Relation to Contracts, 
 the whole World should be kept in Pain ? For as Matters 
 are now, there is no Safety anywhere, and the worst of Men 
 take Advantage of the Opportunity, while there is neither 
 Peace nor War. 
 
 Fish. It is not my Business to determine concerning the 
 Counsels of Princes. But if I were Caesar, I know what I 
 would do. 
 
 But. Well, come on then, you shall be Caesar and the Pope 
 too, if you please. What is it you would do ? 
 
 Fish. I had rather be Emperor, and King of France. 
 But. Well, let it be so, you shall be both of them then. 
 Fish. I would immediately take upon me a Vow of Peace, 
 and publish a Truce throughout my Dominions, disband my 
 Forces, and make it a capital Crime for any to touch so 
 much as a Hen that was not their own. So having settled 
 Affairs to my Conveniency, or rather that of the Publick, I 
 would treat concerning the Limits of my Dominion, or the 
 Conditions of a Match. 
 
 But. Have you projected any firmer Ties than those of 
 Matrimony ? 
 
 Fish. I think I have. 
 But. Let's hear them. 
 
 Fish. Were I Emperor, I would without Delay, thus treat 
 with the King of France : " My Brother, some evil Spirit 
 " has set this War on Foot between you and me ; nor do we 
 " fight for our Lives, but our Dominions. You, as to your 
 " Part, have behaved yourself as a stout and valiant Warrior. 
 " But Fortune has been on my Side, and of a King made 
 " you a Captive. What has been your Lot, may be mine, 
 " and your Mishap admonishes all of our human Condition.
 
 56 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 " We have experienced that this Way of Contention has 
 " been detrimental to both of us ; let us engage one another 
 " after a different Manner. I give you your Life, and restore 
 " you your Liberty, and instead of an Enemy take you for 
 " my Friend. Let all past Animosities be forgotten, you are 
 " at free Liberty to return into your own Dominions, enjoy 
 " what is your own, be a good Neighbour, and for the future 
 " let this be the only Contention, which shall out-do the 
 " other in Offices of Fidelity and Friendship ; nor let us vie 
 " one with another, which shall govern the largest Do- 
 " minions, but who shall govern his own with the greatest 
 " Justice and Goodness. In the former Conflict I have bore 
 " away the Prize of Fortune, but in this he that gets the bet- 
 " ter, shall gain far more Glory. As for me, the Fame of 
 " this Clemency will get me more true Glory than if I had 
 " added all France to my Dominion. And in you a grateful 
 " Mind will be more to your Praise than if you had drove 
 " me quite out of Italy. Don't you envy me the Praise that 
 " I am ambitious of, and I'll on the other Hand carry myself 
 " toward you, that you shall willingly owe an Obligation to 
 " so good a Friend." 
 
 But. In Truth, not only all France, but all the World might 
 be attach'd by this Method. For if this Ulcer should hap- 
 pen to be skin'd over, rather than throughly heal'd, by un- 
 equal Terms, I am afraid that upon the first Opportunity 
 the Skin being broken, Abundance of corrupt Matter would 
 issue out, and that with more dangerous Consequences. 
 
 Fish. How great and glorious would this Act of Hu- 
 manity render Charles all over the World ? What Nation 
 would not readily submit to so generous and kind a Prince ? 
 
 But. You have acted the Part of the Emperor very well. 
 Now act the Pope too. 
 
 Fish. It would be too long to go thro' every Thing. I will 
 tell you in brief. I would so demean myself that the whole 
 World should see that there was a Prince of the Church that 
 aspired after nothing but the Glory of Christ, and Salvation 
 of Mankind. That would infallibly take away all Invi-
 
 5 7 
 
 diousness from the Name of Pope, and gain him solid and 
 lasting Glory. But by the Way, from worse to better. We 
 have digress'd from our first Proposition. 
 
 But. Well, I'll bring you to Rights again, by and by. But 
 do you say then, that the Pope's Laws are binding to the 
 whole Church ? 
 
 Fish. I do say so. 
 
 But. What, to the Punishment of Hell ? 
 
 Fish. They say so. 
 
 But. And are the Bishops Laws obligatory in like Man- 
 ner ? 
 
 Fish. I think they are every one in his own Diocese. 
 
 But. And those of Abbots too ? 
 
 Fish. I am in Doubt as to that. For they receive their Ad- 
 ministration upon certain Conditions, nor have any Power 
 to burden their Inferiors with Constitutions without the Con- 
 currence of the whole Order. 
 
 But. But what if a Bishop receive his Function upon the 
 same Conditions ? 
 
 Fish. I doubt as to that. 
 
 But. Can the Pope annul what a Bishop has constituted ? 
 
 Fish. I believe he can. 
 
 But. Can no Body annul what the Pope decrees ? 
 
 Fish. No, no Body. 
 
 But. How comes it about that we hear of the Resuming 
 of Popes Constitutions, under this Title, that they have not 
 been rightly instructed ; and that the Constitutions of for- 
 mer Popes have been antiquated by later, as deviating from 
 Piety ? 
 
 Fish. Those were surreptitious and temporary Things. 
 For the Pope considered as a Man, may be ignorant of Per- 
 son and Fact. But that which proceeds from the Authority 
 of an universal Council, is a heavenly Oracle, and is of equal 
 Authority with the Gospel itself, or at least very near it. 
 
 But. Is it lawful to doubt concerning the Gospels ? 
 
 Fish. By no Means ; no, nor the Councils neither, rightly 
 assembled by the holy Spirit, carried on, published and re- 
 ceived.
 
 58 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 But. What if any one should doubt whether there is any 
 Council so constituted ? as I hear concerning the Council 
 at Basil, which has been rejected by some ; nor do all ap- 
 prove of that of Constance. I speak of those that are ac- 
 counted Orthodox, not to mention the late Lateran Council. 
 
 Fish. Let them that will doubt at their own Peril. I will 
 not doubt for my Part. 
 
 But. Had Peter then the Authority of making new Laws ? 
 
 Fish. He had. 
 
 But. And had Paul too, and the rest of the Apostles ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, they had every one in their own Churches 
 committed to them by Peter or Christ. 
 
 Bttt. And have the Successors of Peter a like Authority 
 with Peter himself ? 
 
 Fish. Why not ? 
 
 But. And is there the same Regard to be had to the Pope 
 of Rome'?, Letter, as to the Epistle of St. Peter himself, and 
 as much to the Constitutions of Bishops, as to the Epistles 
 of Paul ? 
 
 Fish. Nay, I think and more too, if they command and 
 make it a Law by Authority. 
 
 But. Is it lawful to doubt, whether Peter and Paul wrote 
 by the Inspiration of the holy Spirit ? 
 
 Fish. Nay, let him be accounted an Heretick that doubts 
 of that. 
 
 But. And do you think the same of the Ordinances and 
 Constitutions of the Popes and Bishops ? 
 
 Fish. I do as to the Popes, but I should make some Ques- 
 tion as to the Bishops ; but that it seems a Part of Piety not 
 to be suspicious of any Person unless there be very good 
 Grounds for it. 
 
 But. But why will the holy Spirit suffer a Bishop to err 
 rather than a Pope ? 
 
 Fish. Because that Error is the most dangerous that pro- 
 ceeds from the Head. 
 
 But. If the Constitutions of Prelates are of such Force, 
 what does the Lord mean in Deuteronomy, who uses so se-
 
 vere a Commination ; That none add to or diminish from the 
 Law ? 
 
 Fish. He does not add to the Law, that more largely ex- 
 plains what lay couch'd in it, and who suggests those Things 
 that have Relation to the Observation of the Law ; nor does 
 he diminish, who preaches the Law according to the Capa- 
 city of the Hearers, declaring some Things, and concealing 
 others, according to the Circumstances of the Time. 
 
 But. Were the Constitutions of the Pharisees and Scribes 
 obligatory ? 
 
 Fish. I don't think they were. 
 
 But. Why so ? 
 
 Fish. Because, tho' they had Authority to teach, yet not 
 to make Laws. 
 
 But. Which Power is the greatest, that of making human 
 Laws, or that of interpreting divine ? 
 
 Fish. That of making human Laws. 
 
 But. I am of another Mind : For he that has the Right 
 of interpreting his Opinion, has the Force of a divine Law. 
 
 Fish. I don't well take you in. 
 
 But. I'll explain it to you. The divine Law commands 
 us to assist our Parents. The Pharisee interprets it thus : 
 That which is offer'd to the Church is given to the Father ; 
 because God is the Father of all. Does not the divine Law 
 then give Place to this Interpretation ? 
 
 Fish. But that's a false Interpretation. 
 
 But. But when once they have receiv'd an Authority of 
 interpreting, how can I tell which Interpretation is true, and 
 especially if they differ among themselves ? 
 
 Fish. If you cannot be satisfied, as to the Sense of the 
 Commonalty, follow the Authority of the Prelates ; that is 
 the safest. 
 
 But. Is then the Authority of the Scribes and Pharisees 
 devolv'd upon Divines and Preachers ? 
 
 Fish. It is. 
 
 But. I hear none more ready to inculcate, Hear, / say 
 unto you , than those that never made Divinity much their 
 Study.
 
 60 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Fish. You must hear all candidly, but with Judgment, 
 unless they are quite mad. Then People ought to rise and 
 hiss them out of the Pulpit, to make them sensible of their 
 Madness. But you ought to believe those that have arrived 
 to the Degree of a Doctor in Divinity. 
 
 But. But among them I find a great many that are much 
 more ignorant and foolish, than those that are altogether 
 illiterate ; and I see much Controversy among the Learned 
 themselves. 
 
 Fish. Single out the best Things, and leave those Things 
 that are difficult to others ; always receiving those Things 
 that the Consent of the Rulers, and Majority, has approv'd. 
 
 But. I know that is the safest Way. But then there are 
 false Constitutions as well as false Interpretations. 
 
 Fish. Whether there be or no, let others look to that. I 
 believe there may be. 
 
 But. Had Annas and Caiaphas Authority to make Laws ? 
 
 Fish. Yes they had. 
 
 But. Did these Mens Constitutions in all Things oblige to 
 the Punishment of Hell ? 
 
 Fish. I can't tell. 
 
 But. Suppose Annas had made an Order, that no Body 
 coming from a Market should touch a Bit of Meat before he 
 had washed his Body : If any one eat Meat unwashed, did 
 he incur the Pain of Damnation ? 
 
 Fish. I think not, unless the Contempt of the publick 
 Authority aggravated the Crime. 
 
 But. Did all the Laws of God oblige to the Punishment 
 of eternal Damnation ? 
 
 Fish. I believe not ; for God forbids all Sin, how venial 
 soever, if we may believe Divines. 
 
 But. But perhaps a venial Sin might send to Hell, unless 
 God by his Mercy assisted our Infirmity. 
 
 Fish. It is no Absurdity to say so, but I dare not affirm it. 
 
 But. When the Israelites were in Captivity in Babylon, 
 besides a great many other Things which the Law requires, 
 many of them omitted Circumcision ; did all these perish ?
 
 6 1 
 
 Fish. God knows that. 
 
 But. If a. Jew should privately, for Fear of being starved, 
 eat Swine's Flesh, would he be guilty of a Crime ? 
 
 Fish. In my Opinion, the Necessity would excuse the 
 Fact ; inasmuch as David was excused by the Mouth of 
 God himself, that he had eat holy Bread, which is called 
 Shew-Bread, contrary to the Precept of the Law ; and did 
 not only eat it himself, but also fed his profane Companions 
 with it too. 
 
 But. If any one lay under that Necessity that he must 
 either steal or starve, which ought he to chuse, to steal or be 
 starv'd to Death ? 
 
 Fish. Perhaps, in that Case, Theft would not be Theft. 
 
 But. How's that ? What, is not an Egg an Egg ? 
 
 Fish. Especially, if he took it with an Intention of mak- 
 ing a Return, and pacifying the Owner, as soon as he should 
 be in a Capacity to do it. 
 
 But. What if a Man must either lose his own Life, or 
 swear falsly against his Neighbour ? which must he chuse ? 
 
 Fish. Death. 
 
 But. What if he could save his Life by committing Adul- 
 tery ? 
 
 Fish. He ought rather to chuse Death. 
 
 But. What if he could save his Life by committing For- 
 nication ? 
 
 Fish. They say he ought rather to die. 
 
 But. Why does not an Egg cease to be an Egg here ; 
 especially if there be no Force offered or Injury done? 
 
 Fish. There is wrong done to the Maiden's Body. 
 
 But. What if by Perjury ? 
 
 Fish. He ought to die. 
 
 But. What say you as to a simple harmless Lye ? 
 
 Fish. They say a Man must rather die. But I am of Opin- 
 ion, that upon an urgent Necessity, or a great Advantage, 
 such a Sort of a Lye rather is no Fault, or a very small one ; 
 unless it be that having once opened the Way, there is Dan- 
 ger of our growing into a Habit of lying injuriously. Put
 
 62 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 the Case that by a harmless Lye, a Man might save the 
 Bodies and Souls of his own Country ; which would a pious 
 Man chuse ? Would he refuse to tell the Lye ? 
 
 But. What others would do, I can't tell, but as for me, I 
 would make no Scruple of telling fifteen as notorious Lyes 
 as ever Homer told in his Life, and presently wash away my 
 Guilt with Holy Water. 
 
 Fish. I would do the same. 
 
 But. Well then, it is not what God has commanded, nor 
 what he has forbid, that obliges to eternal Damnation. 
 
 Fish. It seems otherwise. 
 
 But. Then the Modus of the Obligation is not so much 
 from the Author of the Law, as from the Matter of it For 
 some Things give Way to Necessity, and some do not. 
 
 Fish. It seems so. 
 
 But. What if a Priest should be in Danger of his Life, and 
 should save it by marrying ? Whether should he chuse ? 
 
 Fish. Death. 
 
 But. When a Divine Law can give Way to Necessity, why 
 does not this Human Law give Way to it ? 
 
 Fish. It is not the Law that hinders, but the Vow. 
 
 But. What if any one should make a Vow of going to 
 Jerusalem, but could not do it without being sure to lose his 
 Life, shall he go, or shall he die ? 
 
 Fish. Why he ought to die, unless he can get his Vow dis- 
 pensed with by the Pope. 
 
 But. But why may one Vow be dispensed with, and not 
 another ? 
 
 Fish. Because one is a solemn Vow, and the other a pri- 
 vate one. 
 
 But. What do you mean by a solemn one ? 
 
 Fish. That which is usual. 
 
 But. Why then, is not the other a solemn one which is a 
 daily one ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, but then it is a private one. 
 
 But. Well then, if a Monk should profess privately before 
 an Abbot, would not this be a solemn one ?
 
 63 
 
 Fish. You trifle. A private Vow is the easier discharged, 
 because it is dispensed with the least Offence ; he that makes 
 a private Vow, does it with this Intention, that if it be con- 
 venient he may alter his Mind. 
 
 But. Then might they vow with this Intention, that vow 
 perpetual Chastity ? 
 
 Fish. They ought so to do. 
 
 But. Then it would be perpetual, and not perpetual. 
 What if it were the case of a Carthusian Monk, that he 
 must either eat Meat or die ? Whether ought he to chuse ? 
 
 Fish. Physicians tell us, that there is no Flesh so effica- 
 cious but Aurum potabile, and Jewels would answer the End. 
 
 But. Which is the more useful, to succour a Person in 
 Danger of Life with Gold and Jewels, or with the Price of 
 them to succour a great many, whose Lives are in Danger, 
 and to let the sick Man have a Chicken ? 
 
 Fish. I can't say as to that. 
 
 But. But the eating of Fish or Flesh is not of the number 
 of those Things that are called Substantials. 
 
 Fish. Let us leave the Carthusians to be their own Judge. 
 
 But. Let us then talk in the general. Sabbath-Keeping 
 has been diligently, frequently, and largely inculcated in the 
 Law of Moses. 
 
 Fish. True. 
 
 But. Whether then ought I to relieve a City in Danger, 
 neglecting the Sabbath, or not ? 
 
 Fish. Do you think me a Jew then ? 
 
 But. I wish you were, and a circumcised one too. 
 
 Fish. The Lord himself hath solved that Difficulty ; say- 
 ing, TJie Sabbath was made for Man, and not Man for the 
 Sabbath. 
 
 But. Well then, is that Law of Force in all human Con- 
 stitutions ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, except any Thing obstruct. 
 
 But. What if a Law-Maker make a Law, not with this 
 Design, that it should be obligatory upon the Pain of eter- 
 nal Damnation, nor indeed unto any Guilt, and to have no 
 other force but an Exhortation ?
 
 64 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Fish. Good Man, is it not in the Law-Maker's Power how 
 far the Law shall be binding ? He uses his Authority in 
 making the Law, but as to what it shall oblige to, and what 
 not, that is in the Hand of God. 
 
 But. Why then do we hear our Parish Priests out of the 
 Pulpit crying, To morrow you must fast under Pain of eter- 
 nal Damnation, if it does not appear to us how far a human 
 Law is binding ? 
 
 Fish. They do this, that they may in an especial Manner 
 strike Terror into the Contumacious, for I presume those 
 Words do properly belong to them. But whether they are 
 a Terror to the Contumacious, I know not, they throw weak 
 Persons into Scruples and Danger. It is a hard Matter to 
 suit both. 
 
 But. The Power of the Law and Custom are much the 
 same. 
 
 Fish. Sometimes Custom is the more powerful. 
 
 But. They that introduce a Custom, whether they do it 
 with design of bringing any one into a Snare or not, they 
 oftentimes bring 'em into an Obligation, whether they will 
 or no. 
 
 Fish. I am of your Mind. 
 
 But. Custom may lay a Burden upon a Man when it can- 
 not take it off again. 
 
 Fish. It may so. 
 
 But. Well then, now I hope you are sensible how dan- 
 gerous a Thing it is to impose new Laws upon Men without 
 any Necessity, or a very great Utility. 
 
 Fish. I confess it. 
 
 But. When the Lord says, Swear not at all, does he ren- 
 der every one that swears obnoxious to the Pains of Hell. 
 
 Fish. I think not, I take it to be a Counsel, and not a 
 Command. 
 
 But. But how can that be made clear to my Understand- 
 ing, when he has scarce forbid any thing with greater Strict- 
 ness and Severity, than that we Swear not ? 
 
 Fish. You must learn of your Teachers.
 
 . 65 
 
 But. When Paul gives Advice, does he oblige to the Pain 
 of Damnation ? 
 
 Fish. By no Means. 
 
 But. Why so? 
 
 Fish. Because he will not cast a Stumbling-Block before 
 the Weak. 
 
 But. So then it is in the Breast of the Maker of the Law, 
 to lay liable to Damnation or not. And it is a sacred Thing 
 to beware, lest we lay a Stumbling-Block before the weak 
 by any Constitutions. 
 
 Fish. It is. 
 
 But. And if Paul made Use of this Caution, much more 
 ought Priests to use it, of whom it is uncertain, whether they 
 have the Spirit or not. 
 
 Fish. I confess so. 
 
 But. But a little While ago you deny'd that it was at the 
 Lawgiver's Pleasure, how far the Law should oblige a Person. 
 
 Fish. But here it is a Counsel, and not a Law. 
 
 But. Nothing is easier than to change the Word. Swear 
 not, is it a Command ? 
 
 Fish. It is. 
 
 But. Resist not Evil ? 
 
 Fish. It is a Counsel. 
 
 But. But this last carries in it the Face of a Command 
 more than the former ; at least is it in the Breasts of Bishops 
 whether they will have their Constitutions, Commands, or 
 Counsels ? 
 
 Fish. It is. 
 
 But. You deny'd that strenuously but now. For he who 
 will not have his Constitution render any one guilty of a 
 Crime, he makes it Advice, and not Command. 
 
 Fish. True : But it is not expedient the Vulgar should 
 know this, lest they should presently cry out, that what they 
 han't a Mind to observe is Counsel. 
 
 But. But then what will you do as to those weak Con- 
 sciences, that are so miserably perplexed by thy Silence ? 
 But come on, pray tell me, can learned Men know by any 
 
 VOL. II. E
 
 66 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 certain Tokens, whether a Constitution has the Force of a 
 Counsel or a Command ? 
 
 Fish. As I have heard, they can. 
 
 But. Mayn't a Body know the Mystery ? 
 
 Fish. You may, if you won't blab it out 
 
 But. Pshaw, Fll be as mute as a Fish. 
 ' Fish. When you hear nothing but, We exlwrt, we ordain, 
 we command, it is a Counsel ; when you hear, We command, 
 we require, especially if Threatnings of Excommunication 
 be added, it is a Command. 
 
 But. Suppose I owe Money to my Baker, and can't pay 
 him, and had rather run away than be cast into Prison, am 
 I guilty of a capital Offence ? 
 
 Fish. I think not, unless a Will be wanting as well as 
 Ability ? 
 
 But. Why am I excommunicated then ? 
 
 Fish. That Thunderbolt affrights the Wicked, but does 
 not hurt the Innocent For you know amongst the antient 
 Romans, there were certain dreadful threatning Laws, made 
 for this very Purpose ; as that which is fetch'd from the 
 twelve Tables, concerning the cutting the Body of the Debtor 
 asunder, of which there is no Example extant, because it 
 was not made for Use but Terror. And now as Lightning 
 has no Effect upon Wax or Flax, but upon Brass, so such 
 Excommunications don't operate upon Persons in Misery, 
 but upon the Contumacious. To speak ingenuously, to make 
 Use of Christ's Thunderbolt on such frivolous Occasions as 
 these are, seems in a Manner to be as the Antients said, in 
 lente unguentum. 
 
 But. Has a Master of a House the same Power in his own 
 House, as a Bishop has in his Diocese ? 
 
 Fish. It is my Opinion he has proportionably. 
 
 But. And do his Prescriptions equally oblige. 
 
 Fish. Why not ? 
 
 But. I command that no Body eat Onions : How is he 
 that does not obey, a Sinner before God ? 
 
 Fish. Let him see to that.
 
 'I%0vo(f>ayia. 6 7 
 
 But. Then for the future, I'll say I admonish you, not I 
 command you. 
 
 Fish. That will be wisely done. 
 
 But. But suppose I see my Neighbour in Danger, and 
 therefore I take him aside and Admonish him privately to 
 withdraw himself from the Society of Drunkards and Game- 
 sters, but he slighting my Admonition, lives more profli- 
 gately than before ; does my Admonition lay him under an 
 Obligation ? 
 
 Fish. In my Opinion it does. 
 
 But. Then neither by Counsel nor Exhortation we avoid 
 the Snare. 
 
 Fish. Nay, it is not Admonition, but the Argument of Ad- 
 monition that brings into the Snare. For if I admonish my 
 Brother to make Use of Slippers, and he does not do it, he 
 is not guilty of a Crime. 
 
 But. I will not put the Question at this Time, how far the 
 Prescriptions of Physicians are obligatory. Does a Vow lay 
 liable to the Pain of eternal Damnation ? 
 
 Fish. Yes. 
 
 But. What, all Kind of Vows ? 
 
 Fish. Ay, all universally, if they be possible, lawful and 
 voluntary. 
 
 But. What do you mean by voluntary ? 
 
 Fish. That which is extorted by no Necessity. 
 
 But. What is Necessity ? 
 
 Fish. Fear falling upon a Man of Constancy. 
 
 But. What, upon a Stoick, such a one as Horace says, if 
 tJie World fall to Pieces about his Ears, would not be afraid? 
 
 Fish. Shew me such a Stoick> and then I'll give you an 
 Answer. 
 
 But. But, without Jesting, can the Fear of Famine or In- 
 famy fall upon a Man of Constancy ? 
 
 Fish. Why not ? 
 
 But. Suppose a Daughter that is not at her own Disposal, 
 should marry privately, without the Consent of her Parents, 
 who would not give their Consent if they knew it ; will the 
 Vow be lawful ?
 
 68 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Fish. It will. 
 
 But. I can't tell whether it be or no ; but this I am sure 
 of, if there be any such, this is one of the Number of those 
 which, altho' they be true, yet lest they be a Scandal to the 
 weak, are to be kept secret. Again, suppose a Virgin who, 
 by her Parents Consent, has engaged herself in Marriage to 
 her Lover, should enter herself in the Cloister of St. Clare ; 
 will this Vow be allowable and lawful ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, if it be a solemn one. 
 
 But. Can that be solemn that is done in a Field, and a 
 dark Monastery ? 
 
 Fish. It is accounted so. 
 
 But. Suppose the same Person at Home, a few Witnesses 
 being present, should make a Vow of perpetual Virginity, 
 will it not be a lawful Vow ? 
 
 Fish. No. 
 
 But. Why so? 
 
 Fish. Because a more holy Vow is in the Way. 
 
 But. If the same Maid sell a Field, will the Contract be 
 good ? 
 
 Fish. I think not. 
 
 But. And will it be valid if she give herself into the Power 
 of another ? 
 
 Fish. If she devote herself to God. 
 
 But. And does not a private Vow devote a Person to 
 God ? And does not he that receives the holy Sacrament of 
 Matrimony, devote himself to God ? And can they whom 
 God has joined together, devote themselves to the Devil ? 
 when only of married Persons God has said, Whom God has 
 joined, let no Man put asunder. And besides this, when a 
 young Man not come of Age, and a simple Maid, by the 
 Threats of Parents, Severity of Tutors, the wicked Instiga- 
 tion of Monks, fair Promises, and Terrifyings, is thrust into 
 a Nunnery ; is the Vow a free Vow ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, if they are at Years of Discretion. 
 
 But. A Virgin of that Age is emphatically doli capax, 
 being easy to be imposed upon. What if I should purpose
 
 69 
 
 in my Mind to drink no Wine on a Friday ? would my Pur- 
 pose bind me as strongly as a Vow ? 
 
 Fish. I don't think it would. 
 
 But. What Difference is there then between a determinate 
 Purpose, and a Vow conceiv'd in the Mind ? 
 
 Fish. The Mind of binding. 
 
 But. You deny'd but just now, that the Mind signified 
 any Thing in this Matter. Do I purpose if I am able, and 
 vow whether I am able or not ? 
 
 Fish. You have it. 
 
 But. Have it ? I have Clouds painted upon the Wall, that 
 is just nothing at all. What then, is the Ratio of the Mat- 
 ter to be disregarded in a Purpose ? 
 
 Fish. I think so. 
 
 But. And must we take Care of that on Account of the 
 Law, and this on Account of the Vow ? 
 
 Fish. Yes. 
 
 But. Suppose the Pope should make a Law, that no Body 
 should marry any one within the seventh Degree of Affi- 
 nity, would he be guilty of a Sin that should marry a Cousin 
 in the sixth Degree ? 
 
 Fish. In my Opinion he would. 
 
 But. What if a Bishop should put forth an Edict, that no 
 Body should have to do with his Wife except on a Monday, 
 Thursday, and Saturday ? would he be guilty of a Sin that 
 should have to do with her upon other Days ? 
 
 Fish. I think he would. 
 
 But. What if he should enjoin, that no Body should eat 
 bulbous Roots ? 
 
 Fish. What does that signify to Piety. 
 
 But. Because bulbous Roots are Provocatives, but what I 
 say of Bulbs, I say even of the Herb Rocket ? 
 
 Fish. I can't well tell. 
 
 But. Why, can't you tell where lies the Force of Obliga- 
 tion in human Laws ? 
 
 Fish. In the Words of St. Paul, Be obedient to those that 
 are set over you.
 
 70 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 But. Upon this Foot the Constitution of a Bishop and 
 Magistrate binds all Persons. 
 
 Fish. Yes, if it be just, and lawfully made. 
 
 But. But who shall be Judge of that ? 
 
 Fish. He that made it : For he that makes the Law 
 ought to interpret it. 
 
 But. What then, must we be obedient to all Constitutions, 
 without Distinction ? 
 
 Fish. I think we should. 
 
 But. What if a Fool or a wicked Person be set over us, 
 and he make a foolish and wicked Law ? must we abide by 
 his Judgment ? and must the People obey, as having no 
 Right to judge ? 
 
 Fish. What signifies it to suppose what is not ? 
 
 But. He that succours his Father, and would not succour 
 him, unless the Law oblig'd him to it, does he fulfil the Law 
 or not ? 
 
 Fish. No, I think he does not. 
 
 But. Why not ? 
 
 Fish. In the first Place, because he does not fulfil the 
 Will of the Law-Giver : Secondly, he adds Hypocrisy to his 
 wicked Will. 
 
 But. If he fasts, that would not fast unless the Church 
 requir'd him, does he satisfy the Law ? 
 
 Fish. You change both the Author of the Law, and the 
 Matter of it. 
 
 But. Well then, compare a Jew, if he fasting upon Days 
 appointed, would not fast unless the Law requir'd him, with a 
 Christian, who keeping a Fast appointed by Men, would not 
 keep it if there were no Law for it ; or if you had rather, a 
 Jew abstaining from Swine'sVFlesh, and a Christian abstain- 
 ing from Flesh and Milk-Meats on Friday. 
 
 Fish. I believe there ought to be some Grains of Allow- 
 ance made to Infirmity, tho' the Law be against it ; but 
 not so to him that on purpose acts and murmurs against a 
 Law. 
 
 But. But you do allow, that the divine Laws do not al- 
 ways oblige to eternal Damnation.
 
 *I%6vo<f>a < yta. j j 
 
 Fish. Why should I not ? 
 
 But. But do you not dare to own, that there is any human 
 Law which does not bind to the same Penalty, but leave a 
 Man in Suspense ? Then you seem to attribute something 
 more to the Laws of Men than to the Laws of God. Lying 
 and Backbiting are evil in their own Nature, and forbidden 
 by God himself; and yet you acknowledge that some Kind 
 of Lyes and Backbitings do not bind a Person to the Punish- 
 ment of Hell : And yet you don't dare to exempt a Person 
 from the same Punishment, that upon any Condition what- 
 soever eats Flesh on a Friday. 
 
 Fish. It is none of my Business to acquit or condemn any 
 one. 
 
 But. If divine and human Laws bind equally alike, what 
 Difference is there between one and the other ? 
 
 Fish. This Difference, that he that transgresses a human 
 Law, sins immediately against Man, (if you will allow me to 
 use School-Terms) but mediately against God ; he that trans- 
 gresses a Divine Law, e contra. 
 
 But. Where's the Difference, in mingling Vinegar and 
 Wormwood, which is put in first, if I must drink 'em both ? 
 Or, what Matter is it, whether a Stone that has given me 
 a Wound, rebounds from me to a Friend directly or side- 
 ways ? 
 
 Fish. I have learn'd that. 
 
 But. And if the Modus of a Law's binding, in Laws of 
 both Kinds, is to be taken from the Matter and Circum- 
 stances, what Difference is there between the Authority of 
 God, and that of Man ? 
 
 Fish. Indeed a very wicked Question ! 
 
 But. There are, for all that, a great many that don't think 
 there is much Difference. God gave a Law by Moses, and 
 it is not lawful to violate it : And he also gives Laws by a 
 Pope, or a Council ; What Difference is there between the 
 one and the other ? Moses's Law was given by a Man, and our 
 Laws were given by Men. And it should seem that those 
 Laws which God gave by one Moses, should be of less Mo-
 
 72 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 ment than those which the Holy Spirit gives by a full Coun- 
 cil of Bishops and learned Men. 
 
 Fish. It is unlawful to doubt concerning the Spirit of 
 Moses. 
 
 But. Paul comes in the Place of a Bishop ; what Difference 
 is there then betwixt the Precepts of Paul and of any other 
 Bishop ? 
 
 Fish. Because, without Controversy, Paul wrote by the 
 Inspiration of the Spirit 
 
 But. How far extends this Authority of Writers ? 
 
 Fish. I think no farther than the Apostles themselves, 
 unless that the Authority of Councils ought to be look'd 
 upon inviolable. 
 
 But. Why may we not doubt of Paul's, Spirit ? 
 
 Fish. Because the Consent of the Church is against it 
 
 But. May we doubt concerning that of Bishops ? 
 
 Fish. We ought not rashly to be suspicious of those, un- 
 less the Matter manifestly savours of Gain or Impiety. 
 
 But. But what think you of the Councils ? 
 
 Fish. We ought not to doubt of them, if they are rightly 
 constituted and managed by the Holy Spirit 
 
 But. Is there then any Council that is not so ? 
 
 Fish. It is possible there may be such, otherwise Divines 
 would never have made this Exception. 
 
 But. Then it seems that it is lawful to doubt concerning 
 Councils themselves. 
 
 Fish. I don't think we may, if they be received and ap- 
 proved by the Judgment and Consent of Christian Nations. 
 
 But. But since we have exceeded the Bound that God has 
 set, and within which he would have the sacred and invio- 
 lable Authority of the Scripture circumscribed, it seems to 
 me, that there is some other Difference betw r een Laws di- 
 vine and human. 
 
 Fish. What is that ? 
 
 But. Divine Laws are immutable, unless such as are of 
 that Kind, that they seem to be given only for a Time, for 
 the Sake of Signification and Coercion, which the Prophets
 
 foretold should end, as to the carnal Sense of them, and the 
 Apostles have taught us are to be omitted. And then again, 
 as to human Laws ; there are sometimes unjust, foolish, and 
 hurtful Laws made, and therefore either abrogated by the 
 Authority of Superiors, or by the universal Neglect of the 
 People : But there is nothing such in the divine Laws. 
 Again, a human Law ceases of itself, when the Causes for 
 which it was made cease ; as for Instance, suppose a Con- 
 stitution should enjoin all Persons yearly to contribute 
 something towards building a Church, the Requirement of 
 the Law ceases when the Church is built. Add to this, that 
 a human Law is no Law, unless it be approved by the Con- 
 sent of those who are to use it. A divine Law can't be dis- 
 pensed with nor abrogated ; altho' indeed, Moses being about 
 to make a Law, required the Consent of the People ; but 
 this was not done because it was necessary, but that he 
 might render them the more criminal in not keeping it. For, 
 indeed, it is an impudent Thing to break a Law that you gave 
 your Approbation to the making of. And in the last Place, 
 inasmuch as human Laws commonly concern corporal Mat- 
 ters, and are School-Masters to Piety, they seem to cease, 
 when a Person has arrived to that Strength in Grace, that 
 he does not stand in Need of any such Restraints, but only 
 should endeavour to avoid giving an Offence to weak Per- 
 sons, who are conscientiously scrupulous. As for Instance, 
 suppose a Father enjoins a Daughter that is under Age, not 
 to drink Wine, that she may with the greater Safety pre- 
 serve her Virginity till she is married ; when she comes of 
 Age, and is delivered up to a Husband, she is not bound to 
 her Father's Injunction. There are many Laws that are 
 like Medicaments, that are alter'd and give Place according 
 to the Circumstances, and that with the Approbation of the 
 Physicians themselves, who, if they should at all Times make 
 Use of the Remedies the Antients prescribed, would kill 
 more than they cure. 
 
 Fish. You indeed heap a great many Things together, 
 some of which I like, and others I do not, and some I don't 
 understand.
 
 74 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 But. If a Bishop's Law manifestly savours of Gain, that 
 is, if he makes an Order, that every Parish-Priest every Year 
 purchase, at a Guinea apiece, a Right of Absolution in those 
 Cases that are called Episcopals, that he might extort the 
 more Money from those in his Jurisdiction ; do you think it 
 ought to be obey'd ? 
 
 Fish. Yes, I think it ought ; but at the same Time we 
 ought to exclaim against this unjust Law, but always avoid- 
 ing Sedition. But how comes it about that you turn Cate- 
 chiser at this Rate, Butcher ? Every one should keep to his 
 own Trade. 
 
 But. We are often perplexed with these Questions at 
 Table, and sometimes the Contest proceeds to Blows and 
 Bloodshed. 
 
 Fish. Well, let them fight that love fighting ; I think we 
 ought with Reverence to receive the Laws of our Superiors, 
 and religiously observe them, as coming from God ; nor is 
 it either safe or religious either to conceive in Mind, or sow 
 among others any sinister Suspicion concerning them. And 
 if there be any Tyranny in them, that does not compel us 
 to Impiety, it is better to bear it, than seditiously to resist it. 
 
 But. I confess this is a very good Way to maintain the 
 Authority of Persons in Power ; I am pretty much of your 
 Mind, and as for them, I do not envy them. But I should 
 be glad to hear any Thing wherein the Liberty and Advan- 
 tage of the People is aimed at 
 
 Fish. God will not be wanting to his People. 
 
 But. But where all this While is that Liberty of the Spirit 
 that the Apostles promise by the Gospel, and which Paul 
 so often inculcates, saying, The Kingdom of God consists not 
 in Meat and Drink ; and that we are not Children under a 
 School-Master ; and that we do no longer serve the Elements 
 of this World \ and Abundance of other Expressions: if 
 Christians are tied to the Observance of so many more 
 Ceremonies than the Jews were ; and if the Laws of Man 
 bind more closely than a great many Commands of God ? 
 
 Fish. Well, Butcher, I'll tell you, the Liberty of Christians
 
 does not consist in its being lawful for 'em to do what they 
 will, being set free from human Ordinances, but in that they 
 do those Things that are enjoined them with a Fervour of 
 Spirit and Readiness of Mind, willingly and chearfully, and 
 so are Sons rather than Servants. 
 
 But. Very cleverly answer'd indeed ! But there were Sons 
 under the Mosaic Law, and there are now Servants under 
 the Gospel ; and I am afraid the greatest Part of Mankind 
 are so, if they are Servants who do their Duty by Compul- 
 sion. What Difference is there then between the new Dis- 
 pensation and the old ? 
 
 Fish. A great Deal in my Opinion : Because the old taught 
 under a Veil, and the new is laid open to View ; that which 
 the old foretold by Parables and Riddles, the new explains 
 clearly ; what that promised darkly, this exhibits for the 
 most Part manifestly : that was given to one Nation singly, 
 this equally teaches all the Way of Salvation ; that imparted 
 that notable and spiritual Grace to a few Prophets and fa- 
 mous Men, but this largely sheds abroad every Kind of Gifts, 
 as Tongues, healing Diseases, Prophecies and Miracles, into 
 Persons of all Ages, Sexes, and Nations whatsoever. 
 
 But. Where are those Gifts now ? 
 
 Fish. They are ceased, but not lost, either because there is 
 no Need of them, now the Doctrine of Christ is spread abroad, 
 or else because many are only Christians in Name, and we 
 want Faith, which is the Worker of Miracles. 
 
 But. If Miracles are necessary on Account of Unbelievers, 
 I'm sure the World is full of them now. 
 
 Fish. This is an Unbelief simply erring, such as that of 
 the Jews murmuring against Peter, because he had received 
 Cornelius's Family into the Grace of the Gospel ; and such 
 as was that of the Gentiles, who thought the Religion they 
 had received from their Ancestors was sufficient to Salva- 
 tion ; and the Apostles Doctrine to be a strange Supersti- 
 tion : These were converted by seeing Miracles. But now 
 those that believe not the Gospel when it shines so glori- 
 ously thro' the whole World, do not err simply, but being
 
 76 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 blinded by their evil Affections, will not understand that 
 they may do what is good ; such as these no Miracles would 
 reduce to a better Mind. And now is the Time of healing, 
 but the Time of punishing will come. 
 
 But. Indeed you have said many Things that have a Pro- 
 bability in them : however, I am resolved not to depend 
 upon the Judgment of a Salt-Fishmonger; but I will go to 
 some Divine, eminent for Learning, and what he says con- 
 cerning all these Things, I'll believe. 
 
 Fish. Who ? Pharetrius ? 
 
 But. He dotes before he is old, and is fit to preach to none 
 but doting old Women. 
 
 Fish. Well then, what ? Bliteus ? 
 
 But. Do you think I'll give any Credit to a prating So- 
 phister ? 
 
 Fish. Well then, Amphicholus ? 
 
 But. I'll never trust him to answer Questions, that never 
 answer'd my Demands for the Meat I trusted him. Can he 
 resolve hard Questions, that was always insolvent as to his 
 Debts ? 
 
 Fish. Who then ? Lemantius ? 
 
 But. I shan't chuse a blind Man to shew me the Way. 
 
 Fish. Who then ? 
 
 But. If you have a Mind to know, it is Cephalus, a Man 
 very well versed in three Languages, and accomplish'd with 
 all good Literature, familiarly acquainted with the sacred 
 Scriptures, and antient Fathers. 
 
 Fish. I'll advise you better : Go to the Elysian Shades, 
 and there you'll find Rabin Druin, he'll cut all your knotty 
 Questions in two with a Pair of Sheers. 
 
 But. Do you go before and clear the Way. 
 
 Fish. But, setting aside Jesting, is that true you told me, 
 of a Dispensation for Flesh-eating ? 
 
 But. No, I did but joke with you to teaze you. And if 
 the Pope had ever so much Mind to do it, you Fishmongers 
 would raise Mobs about it. And besides, the World is full 
 of a Sort of Pharisees, who have no other Way of appearing
 
 'I%0vo(f>a<yia. J 7 
 
 religious but by such Superstitions, who would neither be 
 deprived of their ostentatious Sanctity, nor suffer their Suc- 
 cessors to have more Liberty than they had themselves. 
 Nor, indeed, would it be for the Interest of Butchers, to have 
 a free Toleration to eat every Thing ; for then our Trade 
 would be very uncertain, for now our Profit is more certain, 
 and we run less Hazards, as well as have less Trouble. 
 
 Fish. What you say is very true, and we should be in the 
 same Condition. 
 
 But. I am glad here is something found out at last, that 
 a Fishmonger and Butcher can agree in. But to begin to 
 talk seriously, as perhaps it would be convenient for Christ- 
 ians not to be ty'd up to so many Ceremonies, especially to 
 such as make but very little to true Religion, not to say that 
 make against it ; so I have no Mind to vindicate those Per- 
 sons, who reject and set light by all human Ordinances ; nay, 
 such as often do many Things, because they are forbid to do 
 them. Yet I can't but admire at the absurd Notions of Man- 
 kind in many Things. 
 
 Fish. Nor can I help wondring at them neither. 
 
 But. We are for confounding Heaven and Earth together, 
 if we do but suspect any Danger of lessening the Authority 
 of Priests, as to their Impositions ; and are all asleep when 
 we are under imminent Danger of attributing so much to 
 the Authority of Man, that the Authority of God suffers by 
 it. So we avoid one Evil, and fall into another far more 
 pernicious. That there is Honour due to Bishops no Body 
 denies, especially if they act agreeably to what they talk. 
 But it is a wicked Thing to transfer the Honour due to God 
 alone, upon Men ; and in doing too much Honour to Men, to 
 do too little to God. God is to be honoured and reverenced 
 in our Neighbour ; but, however, we ought to take Care at 
 the same Time that God, by this Means, be not robbed of 
 his Honour. 
 
 Fish. We see a great many Men lay so much Stress upon 
 corporal Ceremonies, that relying upon them they neglect 
 Matters of real Religion, arrogating that to their own Merits,
 
 78 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 which ought to be attributed to the divine Bounty ; and 
 there taking up their Station, where they should begin to 
 ascend to greater Perfection, and reviling their Neighbour 
 for those Things that in themselves are neither good nor bad. 
 
 But. And when in the same Matter there are two Things, 
 one better than the other, we commonly chuse the worst of 
 them. The Body, and those Things that belong to the Body, 
 are every where made more Account of than those of the 
 Mind. And it is accounted a great Crime to kill a Man, 
 and indeed it is so ; but to corrupt Mens Minds with poi- 
 sonous Doctrine and pernicious Principles, is made a Jest on. 
 If a Priest lets his Hair grow, or wears a Lay Habit, he is 
 thrown into Prison and severely punished ; but if he sits tip- 
 pling in a Bawdy-House with Whores, games, or debauches 
 other Mens Wives, and never takes a Bible in his Hand, he 
 is still a Pillar of the Church. Not that I excuse the wear- 
 ing a Lay Habit, but I accuse the Absurdity of Mens No- 
 tions. 
 
 Fish. Nay, if he shall neglect to say his Prayers at stated 
 Hours, he must be excommunicated ; but if he be an Usurer, 
 or guilty of Simony, he goes Scot-free. 
 
 But. If any Body sees a Carthusian in a Dress not of the 
 Order, or eating Flesh, how does he curse him, tremble at 
 the Sight, and fall into a Fright, lest the Earth should open 
 and swallow up him for wearing, and himself for beholding 
 it ? But let the same Person see him drunk as a Lord, revil- 
 ing his Neighbour with notorious Lyes, imposing upon his 
 poor Neighbour with manifest Frauds, he is not at all shock'd 
 at that 
 
 Fish. So if any one sees a Franciscan with a Girdle with- 
 out Knots, or an Augustin girt with a Woollen one instead 
 of a Leather one, or a Cannelite without one, or a Rhodian 
 with one, or a Franciscan with whole Shoes on his Feet, or 
 a Cruciferian with Half-Shoes on; will he not set the whole 
 Town into an Uproar ? 
 
 But. There were lately in our Neighbourhood two Wo- 
 men, whom one would take for Persons of Prudence, and
 
 jg 
 
 the one miscarried, and the other fell into a Fit on seeing a 
 Canon, who was a President of the Nuns in a Cloister not 
 far distant, appear out of Doors, without a Surplice under 
 his Gown : But the same Women have frequently seen these 
 Sort of Cattle junketting, singing and dancing, to say no 
 more ; and their Stomachs never so much as heav'd at it. 
 
 Fish. Perhaps some Allowance ought to be made for the 
 Sex. But I suppose you know Polythrescus : He was dan- 
 gerously ill, his Distemper was a Consumption : The Phy- 
 sicians for a long Time had persuaded him to eat Eggs and 
 Milk-Meats, but to no Purpose : The Bishop exhorted him 
 to do the like ; but he being a Man of Learning, and a 
 Batchelor in Divinity, seem'd to resolve rather to die, than 
 to take the Advice of either of these Physicians. At last 
 the Doctors, and his Friends together, contriv'd to put the 
 Cheat upon him, making him a Potion of Eggs and Goats 
 Milk, telling him it was Juice of Almonds. This he took 
 very freely, and for several Days together mended upon it, 
 till a certain Maid told him the Trick, upon which he fell 
 to vomiting of it up again. But the very same Man that 
 was so superstitious in relation to Milk, had so little Reli- 
 gion in him, that he forswore a Sum of Money that he owed 
 me. Having gotten before an Opportunity to tear the Note 
 of his Hand that he had given me, he forswore it, and I 
 was obliged to sit down with the Loss. But he took not the 
 Oath with so much Difficulty, but that he seem'd to wish he 
 had such Complaints made against him every Day. What 
 can be more perverse than such a Spirit ? He sinned against 
 the Mind of the Church, in not obeying the Priest and the 
 Doctors : But he whose Stomach was so weak in relation to 
 Milk, had a Conscience strong enough as to Perjury. 
 
 But. This Story brings to my Mind what I heard from a 
 Dominican in a full Auditory, who upon Easter-Eve was 
 setting out the Death of Christ, that he might temper the 
 Melancholiness of his Subject, by the Pleasantness of the 
 Story. A certain young Man had got a Nun with Child, 
 and her great Belly discover'd her Fault : A Jury of Nuns
 
 8o Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 were impannell'd, and the Lady Abbess sat Judge of the 
 Court. Evidence was given against her ; the Fact was too 
 plain to admit of a Denial ; she was obliged to plead the 
 Unavoidableness of the Crime, and defended the Fact upon 
 that Consideration ; also transferring the Blame to another, 
 having Recourse to the Status Qualitatis, or if you will ra- 
 ther have it so, the Status Translationis. I was overcome, 
 says she, by one that was too strong for me. Says the Ab- 
 bess, then you should have cry'd out. So I would, says the 
 Prisoner, had it not been a Crime to make a Noise in the 
 Dormitory. Whether this be a Fable or not, it must be con - 
 fest, there are a great many foolisher Things than this done. 
 But now I will tell you what I have seen with my own Eyes. 
 The Man's Name, and Place where he lives, shall be con- 
 cealed. There was a Cousin of mine, a Prior that was next 
 in Degree to the Abbot of the Benedictine Order, but of that 
 Sort that don't eat Flesh, unless it were out of the Place they 
 call the great Refectory ; he was accounted a learned Man, 
 and he was desirous to be so accounted, about fifty Years of 
 Age : it was his daily Practice to drink freely, and live mer- 
 rily ; and once every twelve Days to go to the Hot-Houses, 
 to sweat out the Diseases of his Reins. 
 
 Fish. Had he wherewithal -to live at that Rate ? 
 
 But. About six hundred Florins a Year. 
 
 Fish. Such a Poverty I myself would wish for. 
 
 But. In short, with drinking and whoring he had brought 
 himself into a Consumption. The Doctors had given him 
 over ; the Abbot order'd him to eat Flesh, adding that ter- 
 rible Sentence, Upon Pain of Disobedience ; but he, tho' at 
 the Point of Death, could scarce be brought to taste Flesh, 
 tho' for many Years he had had no Aversion to Flesh. 
 
 Fish. A Prior and an Abbot well match'd ! I guess who 
 they are, for I remember I have heard the same Story from 
 their own Mouths. 
 
 But. Guess. 
 
 Fish. Is not the Abbot a lusty fat Man, that has a stam- 
 mering in his Speech ; and the Prior a little Man, but strait- 
 bodied and long-visag'd ?
 
 'I%0vo(f)ayta. 3 1 
 
 But. You have guess'd right. 
 
 Fish. Well, now I'll make you Amends ; I'll tell you what 
 I saw with my own Eyes but t'other Day ; and what I was 
 not only present at, but was in a Manner the chief Actor. 
 There were two Nuns that went to pay a Visit to some of 
 their Kinsfolks ; and when they came to the Place, their 
 Man-Servant had left behind him their Prayer-Book, which 
 was according to the Custom of the Order and Place where 
 they liv'd. Good God ! What a vexatious Thing that was ! 
 They did not dare to go to Supper before they had said 
 their Vespers, nor could they read in any Book but their own ; 
 and at the same Time all the Company was in great Haste to 
 go to Supper : the Servant runs back, and late at Night 
 brings the Book ; and by that Time they had said their Pray- 
 ers, and got to Supper, 'twas ten o'Clock at Night. 
 
 But. That is not much to be found Fault with hitherto. 
 
 Fish. You have heard but one Part of the Story yet. At 
 Supper the Nuns begin to grow merry with Wine ; they 
 laugh'd, and jok'd, and kiss'd, and not over-modestly neither, 
 till you could hardly hear what was said for the Noise they 
 made ; but no Body used more Freedom than those two 
 Virgins that would not go to Supper before they had said 
 their Prayers. After Supper there was dancing, singing of 
 lascivious Songs, and such Doings I am asham'd to speak 
 of ; insomuch that I am much afraid that Night hardly 
 pass'd very honestly ; if it did, the wanton Plays, Nods and 
 Kisses deceived me. 
 
 But. I don't blame the Nuns for this, so much as the 
 Priests that look after them ; but, come on, I'll give you 
 Story for Story, or rather a History that I myself was an 
 Eye-Witness of. A little While since there were some Per- 
 sons sent to Prison for baking Bread on a-. Sunday, tho' at 
 the same Time they wanted it. Indeed, I do not blame the 
 Deed, but I do the Punishment. A little after, being Palm- 
 Sunday, I had Occasion to go to the next Street, and being 
 there about four o'Clock in the Afternoon, I saw a Sight, I 
 can't well tell whether I shall call it ridiculous or wretched : 
 
 VOL. II. F
 
 82 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 I scarce believe any Bacchanals ever had so much Lewdness 
 in them ; some were so drunk they reel'd to and fro, like a 
 Ship toss'd by the Waves, being without a Rudder ; others 
 were supporting one so drunk he could not go, and hardly 
 able to stand themselves ; others fell down, and could scarce 
 get up again ; some were crowned with Leaves of Oak. 
 
 Fish. Vine- Leaves and Wands would have befitted them 
 better. 
 
 But. The Senior of them, acting the Part of Silenus, was 
 carried like a Pack upon Mens Shoulders, after the Manner 
 they carry a dead Corps, with his Feet foremost, but with 
 his Face downwards, lest he should be chok'd with his own 
 Vomit, vomiting plentifully down the Heels of those that 
 carry'd hindmost ; and as to the Bearers, there was not a 
 sober Man amongst 'em ; they went along laughing, but 
 after such a Manner, that you might perceive they had lost 
 their Senses. In short, they were all mad ; and in this 
 Pickle they made a Cavalcade into the City in the Day- 
 Time. 
 
 Fish. How came they to be all so mad ? 
 
 But. You must know, in the next Town, there was Wine 
 sold something cheaper than in the City, so a Parcel of boon 
 Companions went thither, that they might attain the greater 
 Degree of Madness for the lesser Sum of Money ; but tho', 
 indeed, they did spend the less Money, they got the more 
 Madness. If these Men had but tasted an Egg, they would 
 have been haul'd to Prison as if they had committed Pari- 
 cide ; when, besides their neglecting divine Service, and 
 Evening Prayers upon so sacred a Day, so much Intemper- 
 ance was not only committed with Impunity, but no Body 
 seenvd to be so much as displeas'd at it. 
 
 Fish. But that you may not wonder so much at that, in the 
 Midst of the Cities, and in Alehouses next to the Churches, 
 upon the most solemn Holidays, there was drinking, singing^ 
 dancing, fighting, with such a Noise and Tumult, that divine 
 Service could not be perform'd, nor one Word heard that 
 the Parson said. But if the same Men had set a Stitch in a
 
 Shoe, or eat Pork on a Friday, they would have been se- 
 verely handled ; tho' the Lord's Day was instituted chiefly 
 for this End, that they might be at Leisure to attend to the 
 Doctrine of the Gospel ; and therefore it was forbid to mend 
 Shoes, that they might have Leisure to trim their Souls. But 
 is not this a strange perverting of Judgment ? 
 
 But. A prodigious one. Whereas there are two Things 
 in the ordering a Fast, the one Abstinence from Meat, 
 and the other the Choice of it ; there is scarce any 
 Body ignorant, that the first is either a divine Com- 
 mand, or very near it ; but the other not only human, 
 but also in a Manner opposite to the Apostles real Doc- 
 trine ; however we excuse it, nevertheless by a prepos- 
 terous Judgment in common, it is no Crime to eat a Supper, 
 but to taste a Bit of Meat that is forbidden by Man, but 
 permitted by God, and also by the Apostles, this is a capi- 
 tal Crime. Fasts, tho' it is not certain they were commanded 
 by the Apostles, yet they are recommended in their Exam- 
 ples and Epistles. But the forbidding the eating of Meats, 
 that God has made to be eaten with Thanksgiving, if we 
 were to defend that before St. Paul, as a Judge, to what 
 Shifts should we be driven ? And yet, almost all the World 
 over, Men eat plentifully, and no Body is offended at it ; but 
 if a sick Man taste a Bit of a Chicken, the whole Christian 
 Religion is in Danger. In England the common People have 
 a Supper every other Day, in Lent Time, and no Body won- 
 ders at it ; but if a Man, at Death's Door in a Fever, should 
 sup a little Chicken Broth, it is accounted a Crime worse 
 than Sacrilege. Among the same Persons in Lent Time, 
 than which there is nothing of greater Antiquity, nor more 
 religiously observ'd among Christians, as I have said before, 
 they sup without any Penalty ; but if you shall attempt to 
 do the same, after Lent is over, on a Friday, no Body will 
 bear it ; if you ask the Reason of it, they'll tell you 'tis the 
 Custom of the Country. They curse a Man who does not 
 observe the Custom of the Country, and yet they forgive 
 themselves the Neglect of the antient Custom of the univer- 
 sal Church.
 
 84 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Fish. He is not to be approved, that without Cause neg- 
 lects the Custom of the Country wherein he lives. 
 
 But. No more do I blame them that divide Lent between 
 God and their Bellies ; but I find Fault with preposterous 
 Censuring in Matters. 
 
 Fish. Tho' the Lord's Day was instituted in an especial 
 Manner, that Persons might meet together to hear the Gos- 
 pel preach'd ; he that does not hear Mass, is look'd upon as 
 an abominable Sinner ; but he that neglects to hear a Ser- 
 mon, and plays at Ball in the Time, is innocent. 
 
 But. What a mighty Crime is it accounted for any one to 
 receive the Sacrament, not having first wash'd his Mouth ! 
 when, at the same Time, they do not stick to take it with an 
 unpurified Mind, defiled with vile Affections. 
 
 Fish. How many Priests are there, that would die before 
 they would participate the Sacrament in a Chalice and 
 Charger, that has not been consecrated by a Bishop, or in 
 their every-Day Clothes ? But among them all that are thus 
 nice, how many do we see that are not at all afraid to come 
 to the Lord's Table, drunk with the last Night's Debauch ? 
 How fearful are they, lest they should touch the Wafer with 
 that Part of the Hand that has not been dipp'd in conse- 
 crated Oil ? Why are they not as religious in taking Care 
 that an unhallow'd Mind does not offend the Lord himself ? 
 
 But. We won't so much as touch a consecrated Vessel, 
 and think we have been guilty of a heinous Offence, if we 
 shall chance so to do ; and yet in the mean Time, how un- 
 concern'd are we, while we violate the living Temples of the 
 Holy Spirit ? 
 
 Fish. Human Constitutions require that no Bastard, lame, 
 or one that hath but one Eye, be admitted to any sacred 
 Function ; how nice are we as to this Point ? But in the 
 mean Time, Unlearned, Gamesters, Drunkards, Soldiers, and 
 Murderers, are admitted every where. They tell us, that 
 the Diseases of the Mind lie not open to our View : I don't 
 speak of those Things that are hidden, but of such as are 
 more plain to be seen than the Deformity of the Body.
 
 8 5 
 
 But. There are Bishops likewise, that have nothing, as to 
 their Function to value themselves upon, but some sordid 
 Accomplishments. The Gift of Preaching, which is the chief 
 Dignity of a Bishop, this they make to give Place to every 
 sordid Thing ; which they would never do, unless they were 
 possess'd with a preposterous Judgment. 
 
 Fish. He that shall profane a Holy-Day instituted by 
 a Bishop, is hurried away to Punishment : but some great 
 Men setting at Nought the Constitution of Popes and 
 Councils, and all their Thunderbolts, who hinder Canon- 
 ical Elections, ravage the Church-Lands, not sparing Alms- 
 Houses and Hospitals, erected by the Alms of pious Per- 
 sons for the Succour of the Old, Sick, and Needy, think 
 themselves Christians good enough, if they do but wreak 
 their ill Temper upon Persons that offend in trivial Matters. 
 
 But. But we had better let great Men alone, and talk 
 about Salt-Fish and Flesh. 
 
 Fish. I agree with you : Let us return to Fasts and Fish. 
 I have heard say that the Pope's Laws do by Name except 
 Boys, old Men, and sick and weak Persons, such as work 
 hard, Women with Child, sucking Children, and very poor 
 People. 
 
 But. I have often heard the same. 
 
 Fish. I have also heard a very great Divine, I think his 
 Name is Gerson, say further, if there be any other Case of 
 equal Weight with those which the Pope's Laws except by 
 Name, the Force of the Precept gives Way in like Manner. 
 For there are peculiar Habits of Body which render the 
 Want of some Things more material than an evident Disease ; 
 and there are Distempers that do not appear that are more 
 dangerous than those that do : therefore he that is acquainted 
 with his own Constitution, has no Need to consult a Priest ; 
 even as Infants do not, because their Circumstances ex- 
 empt them from the Law. And therefore they that oblige 
 Boys, or very old Men, or Persons otherwise weak, to 
 fast, or to eat Fish, commit a double Sin : First, against 
 Brotherly Charity : And secondly, against the very Inten-
 
 86 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 tion of the Pope, who would not involve them in a Law, 
 the Observation of which would be pernicious to them. 
 Whatsoever Christ has ordered, he has ordained for the 
 Health of Body and Mind both ; neither does any Pope 
 claim to himself such a Power, as by any Constitution of 
 his, to bring any Person into Danger of Life : As, suppose 
 that any Person by not eating in the Evening, should 
 not rest at Night, and so for Want of Sleep be in Danger 
 of growing light-headed, he is a Murderer, both against the 
 Sense of the Church, and the Will of God. Princes, as oft 
 as it suits with their Conveniency, publish an Edict threat- 
 ning with a capital Punishment : How far their Power 
 extends I will not determine ; but this I will venture to say, 
 they would act more safely, if they did not inflict Death for 
 any other Causes, than such as are express'd in the Holy 
 Scriptures. In Things Blame-worthy, the Lord dehorts from 
 going to the Extremity of the Limits, as in the Case of Per- 
 jury, forbidding to swear at all ; in Murder, forbidding to be 
 angry ; we by a human Constitution force Persons upon the 
 extreme Crime of Homicide, which we call Necessity. Nay, 
 as oft as a probable Cause appears, it is a Duty of Charity, 
 of our own Accord, to exhort our Neighbour to those Things 
 that the Weakness of his Body requires : And if there be no 
 apparent Cause, yet it is the Duty of Christian Charity kindly 
 to suppose it may be done with a good Intention, unless it 
 carries along with it a manifest Contempt of the Church. A 
 profane Magistrate very justly punishes those that eat con- 
 tumaciously and seditiously ; but what every one shall eat 
 in his own House, is rather the Business of a Physician than 
 a Magistrate : Upon which Account, if any Person shall be 
 so wicked as to cause any Disorder ; they are guilty of Se- 
 dition, and not the Person that consults his own Health, and 
 breaks no Law, neither of God nor Man. In this the Autho- 
 rity of the Pope is misapplied ; 'tis absurd to pretend the 
 Authority of Popes in this Case, who are Persons of so much 
 Humanity, that if they did but know a good Reason for it, 
 they would of their own Accord invite them to those Things
 
 87 
 
 that are for their Health, and defend them by Dispensations 
 against the Slanders of all Persons. And besides, throughout 
 Italy, they permit Flesh to be sold in certain Markets, for 
 the Sake of the Health of such Persons as are not compre- 
 hended in that Law. Besides, I have heard Divines that 
 have not been precise in their Sermons, say, Don't be afraid 
 at Supper-Time to eat a Piece of Bread, or drink a Pint of 
 Wine or Ale, to support the Weakness of the Body. If they 
 take upon them the Authority of indulging, so that they will 
 indulge a small Supper to those that are in Health, and that 
 contrary to the Ordinance of the Church, which requires 
 Fasting ; may they not permit not only a small Supper, but 
 a pretty hearty one, to such Persons whose Weakness re- 
 quires it, and the Popes themselves expressly declare that 
 they approve it ? If any one treats his Body with Severity, 
 it may be called Zeal, for every one knows his own Consti- 
 tution best ; but where is the Piety and the Charity of those 
 Persons that reduce a weak Brother, wherein the Spirit is 
 willing 1 , but the Flesh weak, even to Death's Door, or bringing 
 him into a Disease worse than Death itself, against the Law 
 of Nature, the Law of God, and the Sense and Meaning of 
 the Law of the Pope himself ? 
 
 But. What you mention brings to my Mind what I saw 
 myself about two Years since : I believe you know Eros an 
 old Man, about sixty Years of Age, a Man of a very weakly 
 Constitution, who by a lingering Illness, acute Diseases, and 
 hard Studies, even enough to kill a Horse, was brought to 
 Death's Door. This Man by some occult Quality in Nature, 
 had, from a Child, a great Aversion to eating Fish, and an 
 Inability to endure Fasting, so that he never attempted them 
 without imminent Hazard of his Life, at last obtain'd a Dis- 
 pensation from the Pope to defend him against the malevo- 
 lent Tongues of some Pharisaical Spirits. He not long ago, 
 upon the Invitation of Friends, goes to the City Eleuthero- 
 polis, a City not at all like its Name : it was then Lent- 
 Time, and a Day or two were devoted to the Enjoyment of 
 his Friends, in the mean Time Fish was the common Diet ;
 
 88 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 but he, lest he gave Offence to any Person, tho' he had his 
 Necessity to justify him, as well as the Pope's Dispensation 
 to bear him out, eat Fish. He perceived his old Distemper 
 coming upon him, which was worse than Death itself ; so 
 he prepares to take his Leave of his Friends, and go Home ; 
 being necessitated so to do, unless he would lie sick there. 
 Some there suspecting that he was in such Haste to go, be- 
 cause he could not bear to eat Fish, got Glaucoplutus, a very 
 learned Man, and a chief Magistrate in that Province, to in- 
 vite him to Breakfast Eros being quite tir'd with Company, 
 which he could not avoid in a publick Inn, consented to go, 
 but upon this Condition, that he should make no Provision, 
 but a Couple of Eggs, which he would eat standing, and im- 
 mediately take Horse and be gone. He was promis'd it 
 should be as he desir'd ; but when he comes, there was a 
 Fowl provided : Eros taking it ill, tasted nothing but the 
 Eggs, and rising from Table, took Horse, some learned Men 
 bearing him Company Part of the Way. But however it 
 came about, the Smell of the Fowl got into the Noses of 
 some Sycophants, and there was as great a Noise in the 
 City, as if ten Men had been murder'd ; nor was the Noise 
 confin'd there, but was carried to other Places two Days 
 Journey off, and, as is usual, still gain'd by carrying ; adding, 
 that if Eros had not got away, he had been carried before 
 the Justice, which tho' that was false, yet true it was, that 
 Glaucoplutus was obliged to give the Magistrate Satisfaction. 
 But now considering the Circumstances of Eros, had he eat 
 Flesh in publick, who could justly have been offended at it ? 
 And yet in the same City all Lent-Time, but especially on 
 Holidays, they drink till they are mad, baul, dance, fight, 
 play at Dice at the Church-Door, so that you can't hear what 
 the Parson says when he is preaching ; and this is no Offence. 
 
 Fish. A wonderful Perversity of Judgment ! 
 
 But. I'll tell you another Story not much unlike this : It 
 is now almost two Years since the same Eros went for the 
 Sake of his Health to Ferventia, and I out of Civility bore 
 him Company. He went to an old Friend's House, who
 
 89 
 
 had given him frequent Invitations by Letters : He was a 
 great Man, and one of the Pillars of the Church. When they 
 came to eating of Fish, Eros began to be in his old Condi- 
 tion ; a whole Troop of Distempers were coming upon him, 
 a Fever, severe Head- Ache, Vomiting, and the Stone. His 
 Landlord, tho' he saw his Friend in this Danger, did not 
 dare to give him a Bit of Flesh-Meat ; but why ? he saw a 
 great many Reasons that he might do it ; he saw likewise 
 the Pope's Licence : but he was afraid of publick Censure ; 
 and the Disease had grown so far upon him, that then it 
 was in Vain to give it him. 
 
 Fish. What did Eros do ? I know the Man's Temper, he'd 
 sooner die than be injurious to his Friend. 
 
 But. He shut himself up in a Chamber, and lived three 
 Days after his own Manner ; his Dinner was one Egg, and 
 his Drink Water and Sugar boil'd. As soon as his Fever 
 was abated he took Horse, carrying Provision along with 
 him. 
 
 Fish. What was it ? 
 
 But. Almond-Milk in a Bottle, and dry'd Grapes in his 
 Portmanteau. When he came Home, the Stone seiz'd him, 
 and he lay by for a whole Month. But for all this, after 
 he was gone, there was a very hot, but a false Report of eat- 
 ing Flesh follow'd him, which reach'd as far as Paris ; and 
 a great many notorious Lyes told about it. What Remedy 
 do you think proper for such Offences ? 
 
 Fish. I would have every Body empty their Chamber- 
 Pots upon their Heads, and if they happen to meet them in 
 the Street, to stop their Noses while they go by them, that 
 they may be brought to a Sense of their Madness. 
 
 But. I think truly the Divines ought to write sharply 
 against such Pharisaical Impiety. But what is your Opi- 
 nion of his Landlord ? 
 
 Fish. He seems to me a very prudent Man, who knows 
 from what frivolous Causes the People excite such dismal 
 Tragedies. 
 
 But. This may indeed be the Effect of Prudence, and we
 
 90 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 may interpret the good Man's Timorousness as favourably 
 as may be ; but how many are there, who in the like Case 
 suffer their Brother to die, and pretend a Cautiousness to 
 act against the Usage of the Church, and to the Offence of 
 the People ; but have no Fear upon them of acting to the 
 Offence of the People, in living a Life publickly scandalous, 
 in Rioting, Whoring, Luxury, and Idleness, in the highest 
 Contempt of Religion, in Rapine, Simony, and Cheating ? 
 
 Fish. There are too many such ; that which they call 
 Piety, is nothing but a barbarous and impious Cruelty. But 
 yet methinks they seem to be more cruel, who do not leave 
 a Man in Danger occasionally, but invent Dangers for him, 
 and force many into them as into a Trap, into manifest Dan- 
 ger of both Body and Soul, especially having no Authority 
 for it. 
 
 But. I wait to hear what you have to say. 
 
 Fish. About thirty Years ago I liv'd at Paris, in the Col- 
 lege call'd Vinegar-College. 
 
 But. That's a Name of Wisdom : But what say you ? Did 
 a Salt-Fishmonger dwell in that sour College ? No wonder 
 then, he is so acute a Disputant in Questions in Divinity ; 
 for, as I hear, the very Walls there teach Divinity. 
 
 Fish. You say very right ; but as for me, I brought no- 
 thing out of it but my Body full of gross Humours, and my 
 Clothes full of Lice. But to go on as I began : At that Time 
 one John Standoneus was President, a Man whose Temper 
 you would not mislike, and whose Qualifications you would 
 covet ; for as I remember, in his Youth, when he was very 
 poor himself, he was very charitable, and that is much to be 
 commended ; and if he had still supply'd the Necessities of 
 young Persons, as he found them Materials for going on with 
 their Studies, he would not have had so much Money to have 
 spent lavishly, but would have done Praise-worthily : But 
 what with lying hard, by bad and spare Diet, late and hard 
 Studies, within one Year's Space, of many young Men of a 
 good Genius, and very hopeful, some he kill'd, others he 
 blinded, others he made run distracted, and others he
 
 'I%0vo<l)cvyia. g i 
 
 brought into the Leprosy, some of whom I know very well ; 
 and in short, not one of them but what was in Danger by 
 him. Was not this Cruelty against one's Neighbour ? Neither 
 did this content him, but adding a Cloke and Cowl, he took 
 away the eating of Flesh altogether, and transplanted such 
 Plants as those into far distant Countries : So that if every 
 one should give themselves such a Liberty as he did him- 
 self, their Followers would over-spread the whole Face of 
 the Earth. If Monasteries had their Rise from such Begin- 
 nings as these, what Danger are not only Popes, but Kings 
 themselves in ? It is a pious Thing to glory in the Conver- 
 sion of a Neighbour to Piety ; but to seek for Glory in a 
 Dress or Diet, is Pharisaical. To supply the Want of a 
 Neighbour, is a Part of Piety ; to take Care that the Libe- 
 rality of good Men be not converted to Luxury, is Disci- 
 pline ; but to drive a Brother into Distempers, Madness, and 
 Death, is Cruelty, is murdering him. The Intention of Mur- 
 der may, indeed, be wanting, but Murder it is. Perhaps some 
 will say, no Body forces them into this Kind of Life ; they 
 come into it voluntary, they beg to be admitted, and they 
 are at Liberty to go away when they are weary of it ; but 
 this is a cruel Answer. Is it to be thought, that young Men 
 can tell better what is good for them, than Men of Learn- 
 ing, Experience, and Age ? A Man might thus excuse him- 
 self to a Wolf, that had drawn him into a Trap, when he was 
 almost famish'd with Hunger. But can he that sets un- 
 wholesome and poisonous Food before a Man that is ready 
 to gnaw his Flesh for Hunger, so excuse himself to him when 
 he is perishing, by saying, No Body forc'd you to eat it, you 
 devour'd what was set before you willingly and eagerly ? 
 May he not justly answer him, You have not given me Food, 
 but Poison ? Necessity is very prevalent, Hunger is very 
 sharp ; therefore let them forbear to use these plausible Ex- 
 cuses, that they were, indeed, at Liberty to let it alone. But 
 whosoever uses such Engines, uses Force. Neither did this 
 Cruelty only destroy mean Persons, but many Gentlemens 
 Sons too, and spoil'd many a hopeful Genius. It is, indeed,
 
 92 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 the Part of a Father, to hold in Youth that is apt to grow 
 lascivious, by Restraint. But in the very Depth of Winter, 
 here's a Morsel of Bread given them when they ask for their 
 Commons ; and as for their Drink, they must draw that out 
 of a Well that gives bad Water, unwholesome of itself, if it 
 were not made the worse by the Coldness of the Morning : 
 I have known many that were brought to such an ill State 
 of Health, that they have never got over it to this Day. 
 There were Chambers on a Ground-Floor, and rotten Plaister, 
 they stood near a stinking House of Office, in which none 
 ever dwelt, but he either got his Death, or some grievous 
 Distemper. I shall say nothing of the unmerciful Whippings, 
 even of innocent Persons. This they say is to break their 
 Fierceness, for so they call a sprightly Genius ; and there- 
 fore, they thus cow their Spirits, to make them more humble 
 in the Monasteries : Nor shall I take Notice how many rot- 
 ten Eggs were eaten ; nor how much sour Wine was drank. 
 Perhaps these Things may be mended now ; but however, 
 'tis too late for those that are dead already, or carry about 
 an infected Carcass. Nor do I mention these Things because 
 I have any ill Will to the College, but I thought it worth 
 While to give this Monition, lest human Severity should mar 
 inexperienc'd and tender Age, under the Pretence of Re- 
 ligion. How much Civility, or true Piety, may be taught 
 there at present, I don't determine. If I could but see that 
 those that put on a Cowl, put off Naughtiness, I should ex- 
 hort every Body to wear one. But besides, the Spirit of a 
 vigorous Age is not to be cow'd for this Sort of Life ; but 
 the Mind is to be form'd for Piety. I can scarce enter into 
 a Carthusian Monastery, but I find some Fools and some 
 Madmen among them. But it is Time now, after so long a 
 Digression, to return to our first Proposition. 
 
 But. We lose nothing by the Digression, as long as we 
 have talked to the Purpose ; but, perhaps, you have some- 
 thing further to add concerning human Constitutions. 
 
 Fish. In my Mind, he does by no Means observe a human 
 Constitution, who neglects to do what he aim'd at that or-
 
 dain'd it. He that upon Holy-Days forbears working, and 
 does not employ them in divine Duties, profanes the Day, 
 by neglecting to do that for which End it was appointed ; 
 therefore is one good Work forbidden that a better may be 
 done. But now, as for those that leave their secular Employ, 
 to go to Junketting, Whoring, and Drinking, Fighting and 
 Gaming, they are guilty of a double Profanation of it. 
 
 But. It is my Opinion, that the Task of saying Prayers 
 was imposed upon Priests and Monks for this Purpose, that 
 by this Exercise they might accustom themselves to lift up 
 their Hearts to God : and yet he that neglects saying his 
 Prayers, is in Danger to be punished ; but he that only 
 mumbles over the Words with his Mouth, and does not re- 
 gard the Meaning of 'em, nay, nor take Pains so much as to 
 learn the Language they are written in, without which he 
 can't tell what the Sound meaneth, is accounted a good Man 
 by others, and he thinks himself such. 
 
 Fish. I know a great many Priests that look upon it a 
 heinous Sin to omit any Part of their Prayers, or by Mis- 
 take to have said concerning the Virgin Mary, when they 
 should have said concerning St. Paul. But the same Per- 
 sons count it no Crime to game, whore, and drink, tho' 
 these Things are forbidden both by the Law of God and 
 Man. 
 
 But. Nay, I myself have known a great many, that would 
 sooner die than be persuaded to take the Sacrament after 
 they had chanc'd to taste a Bit of Food, or let a Drop 
 of Water go down their Throat while they were washing 
 their Mouths ; yet the same Persons will own, that they 
 have so much Malice against some, that, if they had an Op- 
 portunity, they would kill them ; nor are they afraid with 
 this Temper of Mind to approach the Lord's Table. 
 
 Fish. That they take the Sacrament fasting, is a human 
 Ordinance ; but that they lay aside Wrath before they come 
 to the Lord's Table, is a Command of the Lord himself. 
 
 But. But then again, how preposterously do we judge 
 concerning Perjury ! He is accounted an infamous Person,
 
 94 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 who swears he has paid a Debt, when it is proved he has 
 not. But Perjury is not charged upon a Priest, who pub- 
 lickly lives unchastly, tho' he publickly profess a Life of 
 Chastity. 
 
 Fish. Why don't you tell this to the Bishops Vicars, who 
 swear before the Altar, that they have found all that they 
 present to be entred into holy Orders, to be fit Persons in 
 Age, Learning and Manners ; when for the most Part there 
 are scarce two or three that are tolerable, and most of them 
 scarce fit to follow the Plow ? 
 
 But. He is punish'd that being provok'd, swears in a 
 Passion ; but they that forswear themselves every three 
 Words they speak, escape Scot-free. 
 
 Fish\. But they don't swear from their Hearts. 
 
 But. By the same colourable Pretence you may vindicate 
 a Man that kills another, saying, he did not do it in his 
 Heart. Perjury is not lawful either in Jest or Earnest ; and 
 it would make the Crime the greater to kill a Man in Jest. 
 
 Fish. What if we should weigh the Oaths Princes take at 
 their Coronation in the same Scale ? 
 
 But. These Things, tho' indeed they are very serious 
 Matters, being done customarily, are not accounted Per- 
 juries. There is the same Complaint concerning Vows. 
 The Vow of Matrimony is without Doubt of divine Right ; 
 yet it is dissolved by entring into a monastick Life of Man's 
 Invention. And tho' there is no Vow more religious than 
 that of Baptism, yet he that changes his Habit, or his Place, 
 is sought after, apprehended, confin'd, and sometimes put to 
 Death for the Honour of the Order, as tho' he had murder'd 
 his Father ; but those whose Lives are diametrically repug- 
 nant to their Baptismal Vows, in that they serve Mammon, 
 their Bellies, and the Pomps of this World, are in mighty 
 Esteem, are never charged with breaking their Vow, nor 
 upbraided, nor call'd Apostates ; but are reckon'd good 
 Christians. 
 
 But. The common People have the like Esteem of good 
 and bad Deeds, and the Safeguard of Virtue : What a scan-
 
 dal is it for a Maid to be overcome ? But a lying, slanderous 
 Tongue, and a malicious, envious Mind, are greater Crimes ; 
 and where is it that a small Theft is not punish'd more se- 
 verely than Adultery. No Body will willingly keep him 
 Company that has been accused of Theft ; But it is accounted 
 a Piece of Honour, to hold a Familiarity with such as are 
 drench'd in Adultery. No Body will deign to marry a Daugh- 
 ter to a Hangman who executes the Law for a Livelihood, 
 and a Judge does the same ; but they have no Aversion at all 
 to the affinity of a Soldier, who has run away from his Parents, 
 and listed himself a Soldier for Hire, and is defil'd with all 
 the Rapes, Thefts, Sacrileges, Murders, and other Crimes, 
 that used to be committed in their Marches, Camps, and 
 Retreats ; this may be taken for a Son in Law, and tho' he 
 be worse than any Hangman, a Maid may love him dearly, 
 and account him a noble Personage. He that steals a little 
 Money must be hang'd ; but they that cheat the Publick of 
 their Money, and impoverish Thousands by Monopolies, 
 Extortions, and Tricking and Cheating, are held in great 
 Esteem. 
 
 Fish. They that poison one Person, are hang'd for it ; but 
 they that poison a whole Nation with infectious Provisions 
 go unpunish'd. 
 
 But. I know some Monks so superstitious, that they think 
 themselves in the Jaws of the Devil, if by chance they are 
 without their sacred Vestments ; but they are not at all afraid 
 of his Claws, while they are lying, slandering, drunkening, 
 and acting maliciously. 
 
 Fish. There are a great many such to be.seen among pri- 
 vate Persons, that can't think their House safe from evil 
 Spirits, unless they have holy Water, holy Leaves, and Wax 
 Tapers ; but they are not afraid of 'em because God is so 
 often offended in them, and the Devil served in them. 
 
 But. How many are there, who put more trust in the Safe- 
 guard of the Virgin Mary, or St. Christopher, than of Christ 
 himself ? They worship the Mother with Images, Candles, 
 and Songs ; and offend Christ heinously by their impious
 
 96 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Living. A Mariner when in a Storm is more ready to in- 
 voke the Mother of Christ or St. Christopher, or some one 
 or other of the Saints, than Christ himself. And they 
 think they have made the Virgin their Friend, by singing 
 her in the Evening the little Song, Salve Regina, tho' they 
 don't know what it is they do sing ; when they have more 
 Reason to be afraid, that the Virgin should think they jeer 
 her by their so singing, when the whole Day, and great Part 
 of the Night is spent in obscene Discourses, Drunkenness, 
 and such Doings as are not fit to be mentioned. 
 
 Fish. Ay ; and so a Soldier, when he's about any dan- 
 gerous Enterprise, is more ready to remember George, or 
 Barbara, than Christ. And tho' there is no Reverence 
 more acceptable to the Saints, than the Imitation of their 
 Deeds, by which they have appro v'd themselves to Christ, 
 that is despis'd as much as can be ; and we fancy that St. 
 Anthony is mightily attach'd to us, if we keep some Hogs 
 consecrated to him, and have him painted upon Doors and 
 Walls with his Hog, his Fire, and his Bell ; and never fear 
 that which is more to be dreaded, lest he should look with 
 an evil Eye upon those Houses, where those Wickednesses 
 reign, that the holy Man always abhorred. Do we say over 
 Rosaries and Salutations to the holy Virgin ? we should 
 rather recount to her the Humiliation of our Pride, the re- 
 pressing our Lusts, the forgiving of Injuries. The Mother 
 of Christ takes more Delight in such Songs as these, and 
 these are the Offices that oblige them both. 
 
 But. A Man that is sick is more ready to remember St. 
 Roclius or Dionysins, than Christ, the only Health of Man- 
 kind ; and more than that, they that from the Pulpit inter- 
 pret the holy Scriptures, which none, without the Assistance 
 of the Spirit, can rightly understand, or profitably teach ; 
 they chuse rather to invoke the Aid of the Virgin Mary, 
 than of Christ or his Spirit. And he's suspected for a 
 Heretick, that dares to mutter against this Custom which 
 they call laudable. But the Custom of the antient Fathers 
 was much more laudable, such as Origen, Basil, Chrysostom,
 
 'I%0vo(f)ayia. g f 
 
 Cyprian, Ambrose, Jerom, and Austin used, who often in- 
 voked Christ's Spirit, but never implored the Aid of the 
 Virgin : But they are not at all displeased at them, who 
 have presumed to alter so holy a Custom, taken from the 
 Doctrine of Christ and the Apostles, and the Examples of 
 holy Fathers. 
 
 Fish. A great many Monks are guilty of such like Errors, 
 who persuade themselves that St. Benedict is mightily at- 
 tach'd to them, if they wear his Cowl and Cloke ; tho' I 
 don't believe he ever wore one so full of Folds, and that 
 cost so much Money ; and they are not afraid of his Anger, 
 irt that they do not imitate him in his Life at all. 
 
 But. He is a very good Son of St. Francis, who does not 
 disdain to wear an Ash-colour'd Habit, and a Canvas Girdle ; 
 but compare their Lives, and nothing can be more disagree- 
 able : I speak of a great many, but not of all. And this 
 may be carried thro' all Orders and Professions. A prepos- 
 terous Confidence springs from an erroneous Judgment, and 
 from them both, preposterous Scandals. Let but a Francis- 
 can go out of Doors with a Leather Girdle, if he has chanc'd 
 to lose his Rope ; or an Augustine with a Woollen one, or 
 one that uses to wear a Girdle without one ; what an Abomi- 
 nation would it be accounted ? What Danger is there, that 
 if some Women should see this, they would miscarry ! And 
 from such Trifles as these, how is brotherly Charity broke 
 in upon ! what bitter Envyings, how virulent Slanderings ! 
 The Lord exclaims against these in the Gospel, and so does 
 Paul vehemently, and so ought Divines and Preachers to do. 
 
 Fish. Indeed they ought to do so ; but there are a great 
 many among them, whose Interest it is to have People, 
 Princes, and Bishops, such as they are themselves. And 
 there are others again, that have no more Sense, as to these 
 Things, than the People themselves ; or if they do know 
 better, they dissemble it, consulting their own Bellies, rather 
 than the Interest of Jesus Christ. And hence it comes to 
 pass, that the People being every where corrupted with er- 
 roneous Judgments, are secure where there is Danger, and 
 
 VOL. II. G
 
 98 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 fearful where there is none ; can sit down satisfied where 
 they should proceed, and go forward when they should re- 
 turn. And if a Man attempt to bring any one off from these 
 erroneous Principles, presently they cry out Sedition ; as 
 tho' it were Sedition for any one, with better Remedies, to 
 endeavour to correct a vitious Habit of Body, which an ig- 
 norant Pretender to Physick has for a long Time nourished, 
 and almost brought it to be natural. But 'tis Time to leave 
 off these Complaints, for there is no End of them. And if 
 the People should hear what Discourse we have, we are in 
 Danger to have a new Proverb raised upon us, That a Salt- 
 Fishmonger and a Butcher trouble their Heads about such 
 Things. 
 
 But. If they did, I would return this Proverb upon them, 
 Scspe (?tiam est olitor i>alde opportune loquutus. A little while 
 ago I was talking of these Things at the Table, and, as ill 
 Luck would have it, there sat a ragged, lousy, stern, old, 
 wither'd, white-liver'd Fellow, he had scarce three Hairs on 
 his Head, and whenever he open'd his Mouth, he shut his 
 Eyes ; they said he was a Divine, and he call'd me a Dis- 
 ciple of Antichrist, and a great many such like Things. 
 
 Fish. What did you do then ? Did you say nothing ? 
 
 But. I wish'd him a Dram of sound Judgment in his stink- 
 ing Brain, if he had any. 
 
 Fish. I should be glad to hear the whole of that Story. 
 
 But. So you shall, if you will come and dine with me on 
 Thursday next ; you shall have a Veal-Pye for Dinner, so 
 tender bak'd, that you may suck it thro' a Quill. 
 
 Fish. I'll promise you I will come ; if you'll come and 
 dine with me on Friday, I'll/convince you, that we Fishmong- 
 ers don't live merely on stinking Salt-Fish.
 
 99 
 
 The FUNERAL. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy paints out the different Kinds of Deaths 
 in two private Persons, describing, as in a Picture, 
 the extravagant Expence that those Persons are at, 
 who put their Confidence in Fictions, more than those 
 that trust in the Mercy of God. In the Person of 
 George Balearicus, he takes Occasion to rally the 
 foolish Ambition of rich Men, wJto extend their 
 Luxury and Pride beyond even Death itself. That 
 the Way to Death is harder than Death itself. 
 That God would therefore have Death to be terrible 
 to us, that we might not be ready to contemn Life. 
 That Physicians dont use to be present where Per- 
 sons are dying. Of the Orders of Monks, who play 
 upon tJu Folly of rich Men for their own Gain, 
 when it should be their Business especially to correct 
 it. The Pompousness of the Venetians at Funerals, 
 altko it be but that of a Cobler. Cornelius, a Man 
 truly pious, composes himself for Death after another, 
 and indeed a more Christian Manner. 
 
 MARCOLPHUS, PH^EDRUS. 
 
 A/fAR. Where have you been, Pluzdrusl What, are you 
 just come out of Trophonius 1 ^ Cave ? 
 
 Ph. What makes you ask me that Question ? 
 
 Mar. Because you look so horridly sad, sour, and slovenly ; 
 in short, you don't look at all like what you are called.
 
 too Colloquies of 'Erasmus. 
 
 Ph. If they that have been a long Time in a Smith's Shop, 
 commonly have a Dirty Face, do you wonder that I that 
 have been so many Days with two Friends that were sick, 
 dying, and are now buried, should look a little more sad than 
 I used to do, especially when they were both of them my 
 very dear Friends ? 
 
 Mar. Who are they that you talk of? 
 
 Ph. I suppose you know George Balearictis, don't you ? 
 
 Mar. I know him by Name, and that's all ; I never saw 
 his Face. 
 
 Ph. I know the other was wholly a Stranger to you ; his 
 Name was Cornelius Montius. They were both of them my 
 particular Friends, and had been so for many Years. 
 
 Mar. It was never my Lot to be by where any one was 
 dying. 
 
 Ph. But it has been mine too often, if I might have had 
 my Wish. 
 
 Mar. Well, but is Death so terrible a Thing as they make 
 it? 
 
 Ph. The Way to't is worse than the Thing itself ; so that 
 if a Man could free his Mind from the Terror and Appre- 
 hension of it, he would take away the worst Part of it. And, 
 in short, whatsoever is tormenting, either in Sickness or in 
 Death itself, is render'd much more easy by Resignation to 
 the Will of God ; for, as to the Sense of Death, when the 
 Soul is departing from the Body, I am of Opinion, they are 
 either wholly insensible, or the Faculty is become very dull 
 and stupid ; because Nature, before it comes to that Point, 
 lays asleep and stupifies all the sensible Faculties. 
 
 Mar. We are born without Sense of Pain, as to ourselves. 
 
 Ph. But we are not born without Pain to our Mother. 
 
 Mar. Why might we not die so ? Why would God make 
 Deatli so full of Pain ? 
 
 Ph. He was pleased to make Birth painful and dangerous 
 to the Mother, to make the Child the dearer to her ; and 
 Death formidable to Mankind, to deter them from laying 
 violent Hands upon themselves ; for when we see so many
 
 The Funeral. 101 
 
 make away themselves, as the Case stands, what do you 
 think they would do, if Death had no Terror in it ? As 
 often as a Servant, or a Son, is corrected, or a Woman is 
 angry at her Husband, any Thing is lost, or any Thing goes 
 cross, Men would presently repair to Halters, Swords, Rivers, 
 Precipices, or Poisons. Now the Bitterness of Death makes 
 us put a greater Value upon Life, especially since the Dead 
 are out of the Reach of the Doctor. Altho', as we are not 
 all born alike, so we do not all die alike ; some die suddenly, 
 others pine away with a languishing Illness ; those that are 
 seized with a Lethargy, and such as are stung by an Asp, are 
 as it were cast into a sound Sleep, and die without any Sense 
 of Pain. I have made this Observation, that there is no 
 Death so painful, but a Man may bear it by Resolution. 
 
 Mar. But which of them bore his Death the most like a 
 Christian ? 
 
 Ph. Why truly, in my Opinion, George died the most like 
 a Man of Honour. 
 
 Mar. Why then, is there any Sense of Ambition, when a 
 Man comes to that Point ? 
 
 Ph. I never saw two People make such different Ends. If 
 you will give me the Hearing, I'll tell you what End each 
 of them made, and you shall judge which of them a Chris- 
 tian would chuse to make. 
 
 Mar. Give you the Hearing! Nay, I desire you will not 
 think much of the Trouble, for I have the greatest Mind in 
 the World to hear it. 
 
 Ph. Well then, you shall first hear how George died. As 
 soon as ever the certain Symptoms of Death appeared, the 
 Physicians, who had attended upon him during his Sick- 
 ness, saying never a Word of the Despair they had of his 
 Life, demanded their Fees. 
 
 Mar. How many Doctors had he ? 
 
 Ph. Sometimes ten, sometimes twelve, but never under six. 
 
 Mar. Enough in Conscience to have done the Business 
 of a Man in perfect Health. 
 
 Ph. As soon as ever they had gotten their Money, they
 
 IO2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 privately hinted to some of his near Relations, that his 
 Death was near at Hand, and that they should take Care of 
 the Good of his Soul, for there was no Hope of his Re- 
 covery ; and this was handsomely intimated by some of his 
 particular Friends to the sick Man himself, desiring him 
 that he would commit the Care of his Body to God, and 
 only mind those Things that related to a happy Exit out 
 of this World. George hearing this, look'd wonderful 
 sourly at the Physicians, taking it very heinously, that they 
 should leave him now in his Distress. They told him, that 
 Physicians were but Men, and not Gods, and that they had 
 done what Art could do, but there was no Physick would 
 avail against Fate ; and so went into the next Chamber. 
 
 Mar. What did they stay for after they were paid ? 
 
 Ph. They were not yet agreed upon the Distemper ; one 
 would have it to be a Dropsy, another a Tympany, another 
 an Imposthume in the Guts : every Man of them would 
 have it to be a different Disease ; and this Dispute they 
 were very hot upon all the Time he was sick. 
 
 Mar. The Patient had a blessed Time of it all this While ! 
 
 Ph. And to decide this Controversy, they desired by his 
 Wife, that the Body might be opened, which would be for 
 his Honour, being a Thing very usual among Persons of 
 Quality, and very beneficial to a great many others ; and 
 that it would add to the Bulk of his Merits ; and lastly, 
 they promised they would purchase thirty Masses at their 
 own Charge for the Good of his Soul. It was a hard Mat- 
 ter to bring him to it, but at last, by the Importunities and 
 fair Words of his Wife and near Relations, he was brought 
 to consent to it ; and this being done, the Consultation was 
 dissolved ; for they say, it is not convenient that Physicians, 
 whose Business it is to preserve Life, should be Spectators 
 of their Patient's Death, or present at their Funerals. By 
 and by Bernardine was sent for to take his Confession, who 
 is, you know, a very reverend Man, and Warden of the 
 Franciscans. His Confession was scarce over, but there was 
 a whole houseful of the four Orders of Begging-Fryars, as 
 they are called.
 
 The Funeral. 103 
 
 Mar. What ! so many Vultures to one Carcass ? 
 
 Ph. And now the Parish-Priest was called, to give him 
 the Extreme Unction, and the Sacrament of the Eucharist. 
 
 Mar. That was very religiously done. 
 
 Ph. But there had like to have been a very bloody Fray 
 between the Parish-Priest and the Monks. 
 
 Mar. What, at the sick Man's Bed-Side ? 
 
 Ph. Nay, and Christ himself looking on too. 
 
 Mar. Pray, what was the Occasion of so sudden a Hurly- 
 burly ? 
 
 Ph. The Parson of the Parish, so soon as ever he found 
 the sick Man had confess'd to the Franciscan, did Point- 
 blank refuse to give him either the Extreme Unction, the 
 Eucharist, or afford him a Burial, unless he heard his Con- 
 fession with his own Ears. He said he was the Parson of 
 the Parish, and that he was accountable for his own Flock ; 
 and that he could not do it, unless he was acquainted with 
 the Secrets of his Conscience. 
 
 Mar. And don't you think he was in the Right ? 
 
 Ph. Why indeed they did not think so, for they all fell 
 upon him, especially Bernardine, and Vincent the Dominican. 
 
 Mar. What had they to say ? 
 
 Ph. They rattled off the Parson soundly, calling him Ass, 
 and one fitter to be a Pastor of Swine than Men's Souls. 
 /, says Vincent, am a Batchelor of Divinity, and am shortly 
 to be licensed, and take my Degree of Doctor ; and yon can 
 scarce read the Collect, you are so far from being fit to dive 
 into the Secrets of a Man's Conscience : but if you have such 
 an Itch of Curiosity, go Home and inquire into the Privacies 
 of your Concubine and Bastards. And a great Deal more of 
 such Stuff that I am asham'd to mention. 
 
 Mar. And did he say nothing to all this ? 
 
 Ph. Nothing, do you say ? Never was any Man so nettled. 
 /, says he, will make a better Batchelor tJian you, of a Bean- 
 Stalk ; as for your Masters Dominic and Francis, pray where 
 did they ever learn Aristotle'.? Philosophy, the A rguments of 
 Thomas, or the Speculations of Scotus ? Where did they take
 
 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 tJieir Degree of BatcJiclors ? You have crept into a credulous 
 World, a Company of mean Wretches, thd some I must con- 
 fess were devout and learned. You nested at first in Fields 
 and Villages, and thence anon you transplanted yourselves 
 into opulent Cities, and none but the best Part of them neither 
 would content you. Your Business lay then only in Places 
 that could not maintain a Pastor ; but now, forsooth, none 
 but great Men's Houses will serve your turn. You boast much 
 of your being Priests ; but your Privileges are not worth a 
 Rush, unless in the A bsence of the BisJwp, Pastor, or his Cu- 
 rate. Not a Man of you shall ever come into my Pulpit, I'll 
 assure you, as long as I am Pastor. It is true, I am no 
 BatcJielor ; no more was St. Martin, and yet he discharged 
 the Office of a Bishop for all that. If I have not so much 
 Learning as I should, I will never come a begging to you for 
 it. Do you think the World is so stupid, as to think the 
 Holiness of Dominic and Francis is entail' d upon the Habit ? 
 Is it any Business of yours, what I do at my own House ? It 
 is very well known in the World what you do in your Cells, 
 and Jww you handle your holy Virgins. No Body is ignorant 
 'that you make those rich Mens Houses you frequent, no better 
 than they should be. For the rest, Marcolphus, you must ex- 
 cuse me, it is too foul to be told ; but in Truth, he handled 
 the Reverend Fathers very scurvily ; and there had been 
 no End of it, if George had not held up his Hand, in To- 
 ken he had something to say, and it was with much ado 
 that the Storm was laid at last, tho' but for a little While. 
 Then says the sick Man, Peace be among you, I' II confess my- 
 self over again to you, Mr. Parson ; and as for tlie Charge of 
 tolling the Bell, my Funeral-Rites, my Monument and Burial, 
 they shall all be paid down to you before you go out of the 
 House; I'll take Order t]tatyou shall have no Cause to complain. 
 
 Mar. Did the Parson refuse this fair Proposal ? 
 
 Ph. He did not absolutely refuse it, but he mutter'd 
 something to himself about Confession ; but he remitted it 
 at last, and told them, there was no Need of troubling the 
 Patient, or the Priest, with the same Things over again ; but
 
 The Funeral. 105 
 
 if lie had confessed to me in Time, said he, perhaps lie would 
 Jiave made his Will upon better Conditions ; but if it be not 
 as it should be, you must now look to it. This Equity of the 
 sick Man vexed the Monks to the Heart, who thought very 
 much that any Part of the Booty should go to the Parson 
 of the Parish. But upon my Intercession the Matter was 
 composed ; the Parson gave the sick Man the Unction and 
 the Sacrament, received his Dues, and went away. 
 
 Mar. Well, now certainly a Calm follow'd this Storm, did 
 there not ? 
 
 Ph. So far from it, that this Storm was no sooner laid, 
 than a worse follow'd. 
 
 Mar. Upon what Ground pray ? 
 
 Ph. I'll tell you. There were four Orders of Begging- 
 Fryars in the House already ; and now, in comes a fifth of 
 Cross-Bearers, against which all the other four Orders rise 
 up in a Tumult, as illegitimate and spurious, saying, Where 
 did you ever see a Waggon with five Wheels? or with what 
 Face would they reckon more Orders of Mendicants, than there 
 were Evangelists ? At this Rate ye may even as well call in 
 all the Beggars to ye, from the Bridges and Cross- Ways. 
 
 Mar. What Reply made the Cross-Bearers to this ? 
 
 Ph. They asked them how the Waggon of the Church 
 went before there were any Mendicants at all. And so after 
 that, when there was but one Order, and then again when 
 there were three ? As for the Number of the Evangelists, 
 say they, it has no more Affinity with our Orders than with 
 the Dye, for having on every Side four Angles. Pray, who 
 brought the Augustines or Carmelites into the Order ? 
 When did Austin or Elias go a begging ? For they make 
 tJiem to be Principals of their Order. These and a great 
 Deal more they thundred out violently ; but being over- 
 power'd with Numbers of the four Orders, they could not 
 stand the Charge, but were forced to quit the Ground, but 
 threatning them with dreadful Things. 
 
 Mar. Well, but I hope all was quiet now. 
 
 Ph. Nay, not so, for this Confederacy against the fifth
 
 io6 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Order, was come almost to Daggers drawing ; the Francis- 
 can and Dominican would not allow the Augustines and 
 Carmelites to be true Mendicants, but Bastards and Suppo- 
 sititious. This Contention rose to that Height, that I was 
 afraid it would have come to Blows. 
 
 Mar. And could the sick Man endure all this ? 
 
 Ph. They were not in his Bed-Chamber now, but in a 
 Court that joined to it, but so that he could hear every 
 Word they said ; for there was no whispering, believe me, 
 but they very fairly exercised their Lungs. Besides, Men, 
 as you know, are quicker of hearing than ordinary, in Sick- 
 ness. 
 
 Mar. But what was the End of this Dispute ? 
 
 Ph. Why, the sick Man sent them Word by his Wife, that 
 if they would but hold their Tongues a little, he would set 
 all to Rights ; and therefore desired that the Augustines and 
 Carmelites should go away for the present, and that they 
 should be no Losers by it, for they should have the same 
 Portion of Meat sent them Home, that those had that staid 
 there. He gave Direction, that all the five Orders should 
 assist at his Funeral, and that every one of them should 
 have an equal Share of Money ; but that they should not 
 all be set (down) at the common Table, lest they should fall 
 together by the Ears. 
 
 Mar. The Man understood Oeconomy, I perceive, that 
 had the Skill to compose so many Differences, even upon 
 his Death-Bed. 
 
 Ph. Phoo ; he had been an Officer in the Army for many 
 Years, where such Sort of Mutinies are common among the 
 Soldiers. 
 
 Mar. Had he a great Estate ? 
 
 Ph. A very great one. 
 
 Mar. But ill-gotten perhaps, as is common, by Rapine, 
 Sacrilege, and Extortion. 
 
 Ph. Indeed Officers commonly do so, and I will not swear 
 for him that he was a Jot better than his Neighbours : But 
 if I don't mistake the Man, he made his Fortune by his 
 Wit, rather than by down-right Violence.
 
 The Funeral. 107 
 
 Mar. After what Manner ? 
 
 Ph. He understood Arithmetic very well. 
 
 Mar. And what of that ? 
 
 Ph. What of that ? why, he would reckon 30000 Soldiers 
 when there were but 7000, and a great many of those he 
 never paid neither. 
 
 Mar. A very compendious Way of accounting ! 
 
 Ph. Then he would lengthen out the War, and raise Con- 
 tributions monthly, both from Friends and Foes ; from his 
 Enemies, that they might not be plunder'd ; and from his 
 Friends, that they might have Commerce with the Enemy. 
 
 Mar. I know the common Way of Soldiers ; but make 
 an End of your Story. 
 
 Ph. Bernardine and Vincent, with some Companions of 
 their Order, staid with the sick Man, and the rest had their 
 Provisions sent them. 
 
 Mar. Well, and did they agree among themselves that 
 staid upon Duty ? 
 
 Ph. Not very well ; they continually grumbled something 
 about the Prerogative of their Bulls ; but they were fain to 
 dissemble the Matter, that they might go the better on with 
 their Work : Now the Will is produced, and Covenants en- 
 ter'd into before Witnesses, according to what they had 
 agreed upon between themselves. 
 
 Mar. I long to hear what that was. 
 
 Ph. I'll tell you in brief, for the whole would be a long 
 History. He leaves a Widow of thirty eight Years of Age, 
 a discreet virtuous Woman ; and two Sons, the one of 
 nineteen, and the other fifteen Years of Age ; and two 
 Daughters, both under Age. He provided by this Testa- 
 ment, that his Wife, seeing she would not be prevail'd upon 
 to confine herself to a Cloister, should put on the Habit 
 of a Beguin, which is a middle Order, between a Laick and 
 a Religious : And the eldest Son, because he could not be 
 prevail'd upon to turn Monk 
 
 Mar. There's no catching old Birds with Chaff. 
 
 Ph. That as soon as his Father's Funeral was over, he
 
 io8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 should ride Post to Rome, and there being made a Priest 
 before his Time, by the Pope's Dispensation, he should say 
 Mass once a Day, for one whole Year, in the Latcran Church, 
 for his Father's Soul ; and creep up the holy Steps there 
 upon his Knees every Friday. 
 
 Mar. And did he take this Task upon himself willingly ? 
 
 Ph. To deal ingenuously with you, as willingly as an Ass 
 takes his Burden. His younger Son was dedicated to St. 
 Francis, his eldest Daughter to St. Clare, and the younger 
 to Catherine Senensis. This was all that could be obtain'd ; 
 for it was Georges Purpose, that he might lay the greater 
 Obligation upon God, to dispose of the five Survivors into 
 the five Orders of the Mendicants ; and it was very hard 
 pressed too : But his Wife and his eldest Son could not be 
 wrought upon by any Terms, either fair or foul. 
 
 Mar. Why, this is a Kind of disinheriting. 
 
 Ph. The whole Estate was so divided, that the Funeral 
 Charges being first taken out, one Twelfth-Part of it was to 
 go to his Wife ; one Half of that for her Maintenance, and 
 the other Half to the Stock of the Place where she should 
 dispose of herself ; upon Condition, that if she should alter 
 her Mind, the whole should go to that Order. Another 
 Twelfth was to go to the eldest Son, who was to have so 
 much Money paid him down upon the Nail, as would bear 
 the Charges of his Journey, purchase him a Dispensation, 
 and maintain him at Rome ; provided always, that if he 
 should at any Time change his Mind, and refuse to be ini- 
 tiated into holy Orders, his Portion should be divided be- 
 tween the Franciscans and Dominicans : And I fear that will 
 be the End of it, for he had a strange Aversion to that 
 Course of Life. Two Twelfth-Parts were to go to the Mo- 
 nastery that should receive his younger Son, and two more 
 to those that should entertain his Daughters ; but upon this 
 Condition, that if they should refuse to profess themselves, 
 the Money should go intire to the Cloister. And then Ber- 
 nardine was to have one Twelfth, and Vincent another ; a 
 Half Share to the Carthusians^ for the Communion of the
 
 The Funeral. 109 
 
 good Works of the whole Order. The remaining Twelfth and 
 Moiety was to be distributed among such private Poor, as 
 Bernardine and Vincent should think worthy of the Charity. 
 
 Mar. It would have been more Lawyer-like to have said 
 quos vel quas, instead of quos only. 
 
 PJi. The Testament was read, and the Stipulation ran in 
 these Words : George Balearicus, dost thou, being alive, and 
 of sound and disposing Mind and Memory, approve of this 
 Testament, which thou madest long since according to thy 
 own Mind ? I approve it. Is this thy last and unchangeable 
 Will? It is. Dost thou constitute me and this Batchelor 
 Vincent the Executors of this thy last Will? I do so. And 
 then he was commanded to subscribe it. 
 
 Afar. How could he write when he was dying ? 
 
 Ph. Why, Bernardine guided his Hand. 
 
 Mar. What did he subscribe ? 
 
 Ph. Whosoever shall attempt to violate this Testament, 
 may he incur the Displeasure of St. Francis and St. Dominic. 
 
 Mar. But were they not afraid to have an Action Testa- 
 menti inofficiosi [of a forged Will] brought against them ? 
 
 Ph. That Action does not take Place in Things dedicated 
 to God ; nor will any Man willingly go to Law in a Suit 
 with him. When this was over, the Wife and Children give 
 the sick Man their right Hands, and swear to the Obser- 
 vance of his Directions. After this they fell to treating of 
 the Funeral Pomp, and there was a Squabble about that 
 too : but it was carried at last that there should be nine out 
 of every one of the five Orders, in Honour of the five Books 
 of Moses, and the nine Choirs of Angels ; every Order to 
 carry its proper Cross, and sing the Funeral Songs. To 
 these, besides the Kindred, there should be thirty Torch- 
 Bearers hired, and all in Mourning, in Memory of the thirty 
 Pieces of Silver our Saviour was sold for ; and for Honour's 
 Sake, twelve Mourners to accompany them, as a Number 
 sacred to the Apostolical Order. That behind the Bier 
 should follow George's Horse, all in Mourning, with his Head 
 ty'd down to his Knees in such a Manner, that he might
 
 1 10 Colloquies of Erasimis. 
 
 seem to look upon the Ground for his Master. That the 
 Pall should be hung about with Escutcheons ; and that the 
 Body should be laid at the right Hand of the high Altar, 
 in a marble Tomb, some four Foot from the Ground, and 
 he himself lying in Effigy at Length on the top of it, cut in 
 the purest Marble, all in Armour from Head to Foot. To 
 his Helmet a Crest, which was the Neck of an Onocrotalus, 
 and a Shield upon his left Arm, charged with three Boars 
 Heads Or, in a Field Argent; his Sword by his Side, with 
 a golden Hilt, and a Belt embroider'd with Gold and Pearl, 
 and golden Spurs, he being a Knight of the Golden Order. 
 That there should be a Leopard at his Feet, and an Inscrip- 
 tion on his Tomb worthy of so great a Man. His Heart he 
 would have to be buried separately in St. Francis his Chapel, 
 and his Bowels he bequeathed to the Parish, to be honour- 
 ably interr'd in our Lady's Chapel. 
 
 Mar. This was a Noble Funeral, but a dear one. Now, 
 a Cobler at Venice should have as much Honour done him, 
 and with very little or no Charge at all ; the Company gives 
 him a handsome Coffin, and they have many Times 600 
 Monks, all in their Habits, to attend one Corpse. 
 
 Ph. I have seen it myself, and could not but laugh at the 
 Vanity of those poor People. The Fullers and Tanners 
 march in the Van, the Coblers bring up the Rear, and the 
 Monks march in the Body ; you would have said it had been 
 a Chimera, if you had seen it. And George had this Caution 
 too, that the Franciscans and Dominicans should draw Lots 
 which should go first at the Funeral, and after them the 
 rest, that there might be no quarrelling for Place : the Par- 
 son and Clerk went in the lowest Place (that is, first) for the 
 Monks would not endure it otherwise. 
 
 Mar. I find George had Skill in marshalling of a Cere- 
 mony, as well as an Army. 
 
 Ph. And it was provided, that the Funeral Service, which 
 was to be perform'd by the Parish-Priest, should be per- 
 formed with a Concert of Musick, for the greater Honour of 
 the Deceased. While these and such like Things were doing
 
 The Funeral. 1 1 1 
 
 the Patient was seiz'd with a Convulsion, which was a cer- 
 tain Token that he was near his End : so that they were 
 now come to the last Act. 
 
 Mar. Why, is not all done yet ? 
 
 Ph. Now the Pope's Bull is to be read, wherein he is 
 promised a full Pardon of all his Sins, and an Exemption 
 from the Fear of Purgatory ; and with a Justification over 
 and above of his whole Estate. 
 
 Mar. What, of an Estate gotten by Rapine ? 
 
 Ph. Gotten by the Law of Arms, and Fortune of War. 
 But one Philip a Civilian, his Wife's Brother, happen'd to be 
 by at the reading of the Bull, and took Notice of one Pas- 
 sage that was not as it should be, and raised a Scruple upon 
 it, of its not being authentick. 
 
 Mar. It might very well have been let pass at this Time, 
 and no Notice taken of it, if there had been any Error, and 
 the Sick never the worse for it 
 
 Ph. I am of your Mind, and I'll assure you it so wrought 
 upon George, that it had like to have cast him into Despair : 
 and in this Case Vincent shew'd himself a Man indeed ; he 
 bid George be satisfied, for that he had an Authority to cor- 
 rect or supply any Error or Omission that might be in the 
 Bull : So that, says he, if this Bull should deceive you, this 
 Soul of mine shall stand engaged for thine, that thine shall go 
 to Heaven, or mine be damrid. 
 
 Mar. But will God accept of this Way of changing Souls ? 
 Or, if he does, is the Pawn of Vincent's, Soul a sufficient 
 Security for George's ? What if Vincent's. Soul should go to 
 the Devil, whether he changes it or no ? 
 
 Ph. I only tell you Matter of Fact : It is certain that 
 Vincent effected this by it, that the sick Man was much 
 comforted. By-and-by the Covenants are read, by which 
 the whole Society promise to transfer to George the Benefits 
 of the Works which were done by all the four Orders, and 
 also a Fifth, that of the Carthusians. 
 
 Mar. I should be afraid that such a Weight would sink 
 me to Hell, if I were to carry it.
 
 1 1 2 Colloquies of Erasimis. 
 
 Ph. I speak of their good Works only ; for they bear 
 down a Soul that is about to fly to Heaven, no more than 
 Feathers do a Bird. 
 
 Mar. But who will they bequeath their evil Works to 
 then ? 
 
 Ph. To the German Soldiers of Fortune. 
 
 Mar. By what Right ? 
 
 Ph. By Gospel Right ; for, to him that has, shall be given. 
 And then was read over how many. Masses and Psalms were 
 to accompany the Soul of the Deceased, and there was a 
 vast Number of them. After this, his Confession was re- 
 peated, and they gave him their Benediction. 
 
 Mar. And so he dy'd ? 
 
 Ph. Not yet : They laid a Mat upon the Ground, roll'd up 
 at one End in the Form of a Pillow. 
 
 Mar. Well, and what's to be done now ? 
 
 Ph. They strew'd Ashes upon it, but very thin, and there 
 they laid the sick Man's Body ; and then they consecrated 
 a Franciscan's, Coat with Prayers and Holy- Water, and that 
 they laid over him, and a Cowl under his Head (for there 
 was no putting it on then) and his Pardon and the Covenants 
 with it. 
 
 Mar. This is a new Way of dying. 
 
 Ph. But they affirm that the Devil has no Power over 
 those that die in this Manner ; for so they say St. Martin 
 and St. Francis, and others died. 
 
 Mar. But their holy Lives were correspondent to their 
 Deaths. But prithee, what follow'd ? 
 
 Ph. They then presented the sick Man with a Crucifix, 
 and a Wax Candle : Upon the holding out the Crucifix, 
 says the sick Man, / iised to be safe in War under the Pro- 
 tection of my own Buckler ; but now I ivill oppose this Buck- 
 ler to my Enemy : and having kiss'd it, laid it at his left Side. 
 And as to the holy Taper ; / was, said he, ever held to be a 
 good Pikeman in the Field; and now I will brandish this 
 Lance against the Enemy of Souls. 
 
 Mar. Spoken like a Man of War !
 
 The Funeral. 1 1 3 
 
 Ph. These were the last Words he spake, for Death pre- 
 sently seized his Tongue, and he breath'd his last. Bernar- 
 dine kept close to him in his Extremity, on his right Hand, 
 and Vincent on his left ; and they had both of them their 
 Pipes open : One shew'd him the Image of St. Francis, the 
 other that of St. Dominic ; while the rest up and down in 
 the Chamber were mumbling over certain Psalms to a most 
 melancholy Tune ; Bernardine bawling in his right Ear, and 
 Vincent in his left. 
 
 Mar. What was it they bawl'd ? 
 
 Ph. Bernardine spake to this Purpose : George Balearicus, 
 if thou approvest of all that is here done, lean thy Head to- 
 ward thy right SJwulder. And so he did. Vincent on the 
 the other Side said, George, fear not, you have St. Francis 
 and St. Dominic for your Defenders, therefore be of good 
 Courage : Think on what a great Number of Merits are be- 
 stow d upon thee, of the Validity of thy Pardon ; and remem- 
 ber, that I /tai'e engaged my Soul for tJiine, if there be any 
 Danger. If you understand all this, and approve of it, 'lean 
 your Head ufion your left Shoulder. And so he did. And 
 then they cry'd out as loud as before, If thou art sensible of 
 all this, squeeze my Hand ; then he squeez'd his Hand : so 
 that, what with turning of his Head, and squeezing of the 
 Hand, there were almost three Hours spent. And when 
 George began to yawn, Bernardine stood up and pronounced 
 the Absolution, but could not go thro' with it, before 
 George's Soul was out of his Body. This was about Mid- 
 night, and in the Morning they went about the Anatomy. 
 
 Mar. And pray what did they find out of Order in the 
 Body ? 
 
 Ph. Well remember'd, for I had like to have forgot it. 
 There was a piece of a Bullet that stuck to the Diaphragm. 
 
 Mar. How came that ? 
 
 Ph. His Wife said he had been wounded with a Musket- 
 Shot ; and from thence the Physicians conjectured, that some 
 Part of the melted Lead remained in his Body. By-and-by 
 they put the mangled Corpse (after a Sort) into a Francis- 
 
 VOL. II. H
 
 1 14 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 can's Habit ; and after Dinner they buried him with Pomp, 
 as it had been ordered. 
 
 Mar. I never heard of more Bustle about a Man's dying, 
 or of a more pompous Funeral ; but I suppose you would 
 not have this Story made publick. 
 
 Ph. Why not ? 
 
 Mar. Lest you should provoke a Nest of Hornets. 
 
 Ph. There is no Danger ; for if what I relate be done well, 
 it is convenient the World should know it ; but if it be ill 
 done, all good Men will thank me for discovering it ; and 
 they themselves being seized with Shame for what they have 
 done, will do so no more. Besides, it may possibly preserve 
 the Simple from falling into the like Mistakes ; for some 
 learned and pious Men have frequently complained to me, 
 that the Superstition and Wickedness of some few, brings a 
 Scandal upon the whole Order. 
 
 Mar. This is well and bravely said. But I would fain 
 know what became of Cornelius. 
 
 Ph. Why truly, he died as he lived, without troubling any 
 Body. He had an anniversary Fever, which took him every 
 Year at such a certain Time ; but being now worse than or- 
 dinary, either by Reason of Age (for he was above sixty 
 Years old) or some other Cause, finding that his fatal Day 
 was drawing on, he went to Church upon a Sunday, four 
 Days before he died, confess'd to the Parish-Priest, heard 
 divine Service and the Sermon, and having received the 
 Sacrament went Home. 
 
 Mar. Had he no Physicians ? 
 
 Ph. Only one, who was as good in Morals as he was in 
 his Profession ; his Name is James Castrutius. 
 
 Mar. I know him, as honest a Man as any in the World. 
 
 Ph. He told him, he should be. ready to serve him in any 
 Thing he could as a Friend ; but that in his Opinion his 
 Business lay rather with God than the Doctor. Cornelius 
 received this Answer as chearfully, as if he had assured him 
 of his Recovery. Wherefore, altho' he had been always 
 very charitable according to his Power, yet he then bestow'd
 
 The Funeral. 1 1 5 
 
 upon the Needy all that he could possibly spare from the 
 Necessities of his Wife and Children, not upon such as take 
 a seeming Pride in a Sort of Poverty, that are every where 
 to be met withal, but upon those good Men, that oppose a 
 laborious Industry to an innocent Poverty. I desired him 
 that he would betake himself to his Bed, and send for a 
 Minister to him, rather than fatigue his weak Body. He 
 reply 'd, that it had been always his Desire rather to make 
 his Friends easy where he could, by doing good Offices, 
 than to make himself troublesom to them by receiving ; and 
 that he was now willing to die as he had liv'd. Nor would 
 he take to his Bed till the very last Day, and Part of the 
 last Night, of his Life. In the Interim he supported his 
 weak Body with a Stick, or else sat in a Chair, but very 
 rarely went into the naked Bed, but lay down in his Cloaths, 
 his Head being raised. And in this Time he was either giv- 
 ing Orders for the Relief of the Poor, especially those of his 
 Acquaintance and Neighbours, or reading something of the 
 Scriptures, proper to strengthen his Faith in God, or that 
 shew his Love to Mankind. And when he was so tired 
 that he could not read himself, he heard some Friend read 
 to him ; and would very frequently, and with wonderful 
 Affection, exhort his Family to mutual Love and Concord, 
 and the Exercise of true Piety; comforting his Friends, who 
 were sollicitous for his Death, with great Tenderness ; and 
 gave it often in Charge to his Family, to take Care to see 
 all his Debts paid. 
 
 Mar. Had he not made a Will ? 
 
 Ph. Yes, a long Time before ; he had taken Care to do 
 that when he was in perfect Health ; for he was used to say, 
 that what a Man did at his last Gasp was rather a Dotage 
 than a Testament. 
 
 Mar. Had he given any Thing to Monasteries, or poor 
 People ? 
 
 Ph. No, not a Cross ; I have, says he, already in my Life- 
 Time, given according to my A bility, and now as I leave the 
 Possession of what I have to my Family, I leave them the
 
 1 1 6 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 disposing of it too, and I trust tJiat tJiey will employ it better 
 tluin I Jiave done. 
 
 Mar. Did he send for no holy Men, as George did ? 
 
 Ph. Not a Man : There was no Body about him but his 
 own Family and two intimate Friends. 
 
 Mar. I admire what he meant by that 
 
 Ph. He said, he was not willing to trouble more People 
 when he went out of the World, than he did when he came 
 into it. 
 
 Mar. I want to hear this Story out. 
 
 Ph. You shall hear it presently. Thursday came, and 
 finding himself extremely weak, he kept his Bed. The 
 Parish-Priest being then call'd, gave him the Extreme Unc- 
 tion, and again the Sacrament ; but he made no Confession, 
 for he said he had no Scruple upon his Mind. The Parson 
 then began to talk to him about his Burial, with what Pomp, 
 and in what Place he would be buried. Bury me, says he, 
 as you would bury tJie meanest Christian ; nor do I concern 
 myself wJiere you lay this worthless Body of mine, it will be 
 found all one at tJie Day of Judgment wheresoever you lay it ; 
 and as to t/ie Pomp of my Funeral, I matter it not. When 
 he came to mention the ringing of Bells, and saying Masses, 
 (tricenary and anniversary) Pardons and purchasing a Com- 
 munion of Merits ; he reply'd, My good Pastor, I sJiall find 
 myself never tJie worse if no Bell be rung at all ; if you will 
 afford me but one funeral Office, it will abundantly content 
 me ; but if tJiere be any Thing else, that tJiepublick Custom of 
 tJie Church Jias made necessary, and tJiat can't well be omitted 
 wit/wut Scandal to tJie Weak, I leave tJtat to your Pleasure. 
 Nor am I at all desirous to buy any Man's Prayers or rob any 
 Man of his Merits; tJiere is Merit enough in Christ, and to 
 spare; and I trust tJiat I myself sJiall be tJie better for tJie Prayers 
 and Merits of tJie whole Church, if I be but a living Member 
 of it. My wJwle Hope is in these two Assurances ; tJie one is, 
 tliat t/ie Lord Jesus, the chief Shep/ierd, Jtath taken all my Sins 
 upon him, nailing tJtem to his Cross ; tJie otJier is, t/iat which 
 Christ himself Jiath signed and sealed with his own Jioly Blood,
 
 The Funeral. 1 1 7 
 
 which gives its Assurance of eternal Salvation, if we place all 
 our Trust in him. Far be it from me, to insist upon being 
 furnished with Merits and Pardons, and provoke my God to 
 enter into Judgment with his Servant, in whose Sight no Flesh 
 living shall be justified ; because his Mercy is boundless and 
 unspeakable, to it I appeal from his Justice. The Parson hear- 
 ing this, went away ; and Cornelius with great Joy and 
 Chearfulness (as one transported with the Hope of a better 
 Life) caused some Texts to be read out of the holy Scrip- 
 tures, that confirm the Hope of the Resurrection, and set 
 before him the Rewards of Immortality ; as that out of 
 Isaiah, concerning the Death of Hezekiah, together with the 
 Hymn ; and then the fifteenth Chapter of the first Epistle 
 of Paul to the Corinthians ; the Death of Lazarus out of 
 John ; but especially the History of Christ's Passion, out of 
 the Gospels. But O with what Affection did he take in all 
 these Scriptures, sighing at some Passages, folding his 
 Hands, as in Thankfulness, at others ; one While rapt and 
 overjoy 'd at some Passages, and another While sending up 
 short Ejaculations ! After Dinner, having taken a little 
 Rest, he order'd the twelfth Chapter of St. John to be read, 
 to the End of the- Story. Here you would have said the 
 Man was transfigured and possessed with a new Spirit. 
 When it grew toward Evening, he called for his Wife and 
 Children, and raising himself as well as he could, he thus 
 bespake them : My dear Wife, the same God that once joined 
 us together, doth now part us, but only in our Bodies, and that 
 too for a short Time. That Care, Kindness, and Piety, that 
 thou hast hittierto used to divide betwixt me, and the tender 
 Pledges of our mutual Love, do thou now transfer wholly to 
 tJiem. Think thou canst do nothing more acceptable either to 
 God or to me, than to educate, cherish, and instruct those whom 
 God lias given us the Fruit of our conjugal Relation, that they 
 may be found worthy of Christ. Double therefore thy Piety 
 upon them, and account upon my SJtare too, as translated unto 
 tltee. If thou shalt do this, as I trust thou wilt, tJtey will not 
 be accounted Orphans ; and if ever thou shouldst marry
 
 1 1 8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 again At which Word his Wife burst out into Tears, and 
 was about to forswear ever to think of marrying again ; but 
 Cornelius interposed : My dearest Sister in Christ, if tlie 
 Lord Jesus sJiall vouchsafe to tJtee Resolution and Strength of 
 Spirit, be not wanting to tJie Jieavenly Gift, for it will be more 
 commodious, as well for thyself as tJte Children, But if tJie 
 Infirmity of the Flesh shall carry tJiee another Way, know 
 tJiat my Death has indeed freed thee from the Bonds of Wed- 
 lock, but not from that Obligation, which in both our Names 
 thou owest in common to tJte Care of our Children. As to 
 Marriage itself, make Use of tJie Freedom that God Jias given 
 tJiee ; only let me intreat and admonish thee of this one thing, 
 to make choice of a Husband of such a Disposition, and dis- 
 cfiarge thyself so towards him, ttiathe, eitJier by his own Good- 
 ness, or for thy good Carriage, may be kind to our Children. 
 Tlierefore have a Care of tying thyself up by any Vow ; keep 
 thyself free to God, and to our Children, and bring tJiem up 
 in all Points religiously, and take Care that they dori t fix upon 
 any Course of Life, till by Age and Experience tJiey shall come 
 to understand w/tat is fittest for t/iem. Then turning to his 
 Children, he exhorted them to the Study of Piety, Obe- 
 dience to their Mother, and mutual Love and Concord 
 among themselves. And having done, he kiss'd his Wife 
 and them, pray'd for them, and making the Sign of the 
 Cross, recommended them to the Mercy of Christ. And 
 then looking round upon all about him, By to-Morrow Morn- 
 ing, says he, tJie Lord who renewed this Morning to me, will 
 graciously please, out of his infinite Mercy, to call this poor 
 Soul of mine out of tJte Sepulchre of my Body, and out of tJie 
 Darkness of this Mortality, into his heavenly Light. I will 
 not have you fatigue yourselves in your tender Age with un- 
 profitable Watching ; and as for the rest, let tJtem take tlieir 
 Rest by turns ; one is enough to sit up with me, and read to 
 me. Having pass'd the Night, about four o'Clock in the 
 Morning, all the Family being present, he caused that Psalm 
 to be read, which our Saviour praying recited upon the 
 Cross. And when that was done, he call'd for a Taper and
 
 The Funeral. 119 
 
 a Cross, and taking the Taper in his Hand, he said, The 
 Lord is my Light and Salvation, whom shall I fear ? And 
 then kissing the Cross, he said The Lord is tlie Defender of 
 my Life, of whom shall I be afraid? And by-and-by, laying 
 his Hands upon his Breast in a praying Posture, with his 
 Eyes lift up to Heaven, he said, Lord Jesus, receive my Spirit ; 
 and immediately he closed his Eyes, as if he were only 
 going to Sleep, and with a gentle Breathe, delivered up his 
 Spirit. You would have thought he had only been in a 
 Slumber, and had not expired. 
 
 Mar. I never heard of a less painful Death in my Life. 
 
 Ph. His Life was as calm as his Death. These two Men 
 were both of them my Friends, and perhaps I am not so 
 good a Judge which of them dy'd most like a Christian ; but 
 you that are unbiassed, may perhaps make a better Judg- 
 ment. 
 
 Mar. I will think of it, and give you my Opinion some 
 Time or other at Leisure.
 
 I2O 
 
 ECHO. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 A Discourse between a young Man and an Echo, con- 
 cerning the Choice of Studies, and chusing the best 
 way of Livelihood ; the Echo facetiously answer- 
 ing the young Mans Interrogatories. 
 
 NOTE. It appears by Erasmus'^ having so frequently made Use of 
 Greek Words in the Echo'j Answer, that there is a considerable 
 Difficulty in this Way of Writing ; nor will the English Tongue 
 so well bear it as the Latin, in that it will not allow that Trans- 
 position of Words that the Latin Tongue will. It being therefore 
 very difficult, if not impossible, to make the two last Syllables an- 
 swer by Way of Echo, I have contented myself with a bare Trans- 
 lation without it. 
 
 The YOUNG M A N and the E C H O. 
 
 . I have a Mind to ask your advice about a few Things, 
 if you are at Leisure. 
 EC. I am at Leisure. 
 
 Yo. And if I, a young Man, shall be welcome to you. 
 EC. You shall be welcome. 
 
 Yo. And can you tell me true concerning Things to come, 
 Echo ? 
 EC. I can. 
 
 Yo. And do you understand Greek too ? What Novelty 
 is this ? 
 EC. I do. 
 
 Yo. What Kind of Studies do you think those of the Muses 
 to be ?
 
 The Echo. 1 2 1 
 
 EC. Divine ones. 
 
 Yo. Do you think then, that those Authors that conduce 
 to Learning ought to be studied ? 
 EC. Do thou study them. 
 
 Yo. What is then in their Minds, that speak contemptibly 
 of these Studies ? 
 
 EC. The Thoughts of a Swine. 
 
 Yo. But I wish the Lovers of these were as studious of 
 Piety. 
 
 EC. I wish they were so. 
 
 Yo. Now-a-Days the Wickedness of some makes all hated. 
 EC. It does so. 
 
 Yo. And many lay the Sins of Man on the Back of 
 Learning. 
 
 EC. Ay, Asses. 
 
 Yo. Why, but they commonly seem not to be of the 
 meanest Sort. 
 
 EC. They are vile Persons. 
 
 Yo. What do you think they do, who spend their Time 
 in a sophistical Kind of Learning ? Perhaps they spin Cob- 
 webs ? 
 
 EC. They do so. 
 
 Yo. And they weave and unweave Penelope's Web. 
 EC. They do weave it. 
 
 Yo. What Course of Life do you advise me to follow ? 
 EC. A safe one. 
 
 Yo. Will it prove fortunate if I shall marry ? 
 EC. Do it late. 
 
 Yo. But what if it shall happen to be my Lot to marry an 
 unchast, or extravagant Wife ? 
 EC. You must bear it. 
 
 Yo. Why, but it is worse than Death itself to live with 
 such. 
 
 EC. It is so. 
 
 Yo. Does Fortune so domineer in human Affairs ? 
 EC. Yes, she only. 
 
 Yo. Perhaps a Person had better enter himself into the 
 Life of a Monk, than that of Marriage.
 
 122 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 EC. That binds one. 
 
 Yo. What Remedy is there left, when any one is bound 
 by that Knot that cannot be unloosed ? 
 
 EC. Melancholy. 
 
 Yo. Well, but it is a miserable Life for Men to live alone. 
 
 EC. It is entirely so. 
 
 Yo. What Sort of Men do you account the Monks of these 
 Times to be ? 
 
 EC. A Trouble. 
 
 Yo. What then makes some esteem them as half-Gods ? 
 
 EC. Fear. 
 
 Yo. What do most hunt after who sue for a Benefice ? 
 
 EC. Idleness. 
 
 Yo. Does a Priest get nothing else ? 
 
 EC. Yes, Gain. 
 
 Yo. What good Thing do they get that obtain Bishop- 
 ricks ? 
 
 EC. Labours. 
 
 Yo. But none live more in Idleness. 
 
 EC. I know it. 
 
 Yo. What Things will be able to make them think and 
 understand what a great Burden they have upon them ? 
 
 EC. Understanding. 
 
 Yo. Therefore the Priesthood is an excellent Thing, if a 
 Man behave himself as he ought to do in it. 
 
 EC. It makes him happy. 
 
 Yo. What Advantage shall I have, if I go into their 
 Court, who excel in princely Dignity ? 
 
 EC. Misery. 
 
 Yo. But I see a great many that are wont to promise 
 themselves great Happiness from thence. 
 
 EC. They are Blockheads. 
 
 Yo. But in the mean Time, while they go clothed in their 
 Silks, the common People look upon them as brave Fellows. 
 
 EC. They are not worth a Fig. 
 
 Yo. Why then, you speak of Men that are golden with- 
 out, and wooden within, if any Body were but to inspect 
 them narrowly ?
 
 The EcJio. 123 
 
 EC. Not so good. 
 
 Yo. Why then, those Men have but little Excellency in 
 them, that being array'd in Silks, we worship as Gods ? 
 
 EC. Mischief. 
 
 Yo. And perhaps, you will put no great Value upon mili- 
 tary Men ? 
 
 EC. A Farthing. 
 
 Yo. But your Astrologers that tell Fortunes by the Stars, 
 promise great Things. 
 
 EC. They are Fables. 
 
 Yo. But Grammarians take a great Deal of Pains. 
 
 EC. To no Purpose. 
 
 Yo. I believe hungry greedy Lawyers don't please you. 
 
 EC. They are Wolves. 
 
 Yo. What Sort of a Man shall I be, if I turn a Handicraft- 
 Man ? 
 
 EC. The Scum of the People. 
 
 Yo. What then, do good nor bad Arts procure one no- 
 thing else ? 
 
 EC. A Maintenance. 
 
 Yo. Shall I be happy, if I shall persevere in good Learn- 
 ing ? 
 
 EC. You shall. 
 
 Yo. But what will make me pious ? 
 
 EC. Age. 
 
 Yo. I have spent my Time this ten Years in Cicero. 
 
 EC. O you Ass ! 
 
 Yo. How comes it into your Mind to call me an Ass ? 
 
 EC. By the Thing itself. 
 
 Yo. Perhaps, you mean that I should not so apply my- 
 self to him, as to leave off others ? 
 
 EC. I do say so. 
 
 Yo. Why then, does not he please you, that fatigues him- 
 self all his Days, only for this Purpose, that he may become 
 a Ciceronian at last ? 
 
 EC. He is a Madman. 
 
 Yo. What is left for them to do that are old, whose Age 
 is not seasonable for the learning these Things ?
 
 124 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 EC. The Plough-Tail. 
 
 Yo. I believe you would be more eloquent, if you were at 
 a greater Distance. 
 
 EC. I should be so. 
 
 Yo. I don't like Words of two Syllables. 
 
 EC. Go your Way. 
 
 Yo. I began first, and I see I can't hinder your having the 
 last Word. 
 
 EC. Let me have it. 
 
 Yo. Do you now think I am sufficiently instructed to per- 
 form those Things well, which shall happen in Life ? 
 
 EC. Yes. 
 
 Yo. Well then, if you'd have me go away, bid me be gone* 
 
 EC. Be gone.
 
 125 
 
 nOAT AAITIA, or, The UNEQUAL 
 FEAST. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 The unequal Entertainment teaches Civility in enter- 
 taining Guests. How the Table should be furnished, 
 that all the Guests may be pleased, althd of different 
 Palates, Manners, and Humours. That the placing 
 of the Company may conduce much to the making 
 the Entertainment chearful. That the ordinariest 
 Dishes should make the first Course, and the most 
 delicate the last. That Drink is to be given to none, 
 but when they call for it. Variety of Stories, suited 
 to the Fancy of each Person, cause Merriment. Old 
 Men, Married Women, Sailors, and Merchants, de- 
 light to hear Stories of their own Occupations and 
 Actions. All melancholy Things, which may cause 
 Sadness, ought to be avoided : And likewise, so must 
 Drunkenness, which often occasions Fightings, Quar- 
 rels, and Contentions. The Method of turning off 
 the Discourse when Persons are angry, &c. No 
 ones Grief ought to be called to Mind. Salutations 
 are not to be often repeated. That every one should 
 salute each other. That no Mention should be made 
 of the Goodness, Management, or Price of the Pro- 
 vision. A slender Provision is to be excused modestly.
 
 126 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 SPUD^US, APITIUS. 
 
 . Soho, Soho, Apitius. 
 Ap. I don't hear ye. 
 
 Sp. Soho, I say, Apitius. 
 
 Ap. What troublesom Fellow is this ? 
 
 Sp. I have a Matter of Consequence to tell you of. 
 
 Ap. And I am going about a Matter of Consequence, and 
 in great Haste too. 
 
 Sp. Whither, prithee ? 
 
 Ap. Why, to Supper. 
 
 Sp. That was it I wanted to talk with you about. 
 
 Ap. I have not Time now to meddle with Talkers or 
 Doers, lest I lose my Labour. 
 
 Sp. You shall lose no Time, I'll go along with you. 
 
 Ap. Well, tell me what 'tis quickly. 
 
 Sp. I am busy in contriving how to make a Feast, so as 
 to please all, and displease none of my Guests ; and know- 
 ing you to be the principal Artist in this Scheme, I apply 
 myself to you as to an Oracle. 
 
 Ap. Well, take this for an Answer, and, according to 
 antient Usage, in Verse, 
 
 If none you would displease, then none invite. 
 
 Sp. But 'tis a publick Entertainment ; I am under a Ne- 
 cessity of having a great many Guests. 
 
 Ap. To be sure, the more you invite, the more you will 
 displease : What Play was so well written, or so well acted, 
 as to please the whole Theatre ? 
 
 Sp. But come, Darling of the God of Banquets, assist me 
 with your Advice in this Affair, and I will account you an 
 Oracle for Time to come. 
 
 Ap. Take this in the first Place ; Don't attempt to do that 
 which is impossible to be done. 
 
 Sp. What's that ? 
 
 Ap. To be a Master of a Feast, and give Satisfaction to 
 all your Guests, when there is a great Variety of Palates. 
 
 Sp. Well then, that I may displease but a few ?
 
 The Unequal Feast. 127 
 
 Ap. Call but a few. 
 
 Sp. But that can't be. 
 
 Ap. Then invite those that are equals, and of agreeable 
 Humours. 
 
 Sp. I am not at Liberty to do that neither ; I can't avoid 
 inviting a great many, and of different Humours : nor are 
 they all of the same Speech or Nation. 
 
 Ap. You talk of a Bedlam rather than a Banquet. Here 
 will necessarily arise such Confusion, as the Hebrews relate 
 to have happened at the Building of Babel, that when one 
 asks for cold Water, the other will bring him hot. 
 
 Sp. But prithee help me out at a dead Lift, you shall 
 find I'll be both mindful of, and grateful for your good 
 Office. 
 
 Ap. Well, come then, seeing you are not at Liberty to pick 
 and chuse your Guests, I'll give you Advice in this difficult 
 Point. It signifies no small Matter, as to the Mirth of the 
 Entertainment, what Places any of them sit in. 
 
 Sp. That's very right 
 
 Ap. But to take away all Occasion of Uneasiness, let 
 them cast Lots for their Places. 
 
 Sp. That's well advis'd. 
 
 Ap. Let not your Dishes proceed gradually from the up- 
 per to the lower End of the Table, so as to make the Letter 
 , or rather in a serpentine Order, or to be chang'd recipro- 
 cally hither and thither, as the Myrtle in old Times used to 
 be handed about at Banquets. 
 
 Sp. How then ? 
 
 Ap. To every four Guests set four Dishes, so that the 
 fourth may be the middlemost, as Boys upon three Nuts set 
 a Fourth ; in every one of these let there be a different Sort 
 of Victuals, that every one may help himself to what he likes. 
 
 Sp. Well, I like that very well ; but how often must I 
 change the Dishes ? 
 
 Ap. How many Parts are there in a theatrical Oration ? 
 
 Sp. Five, I think. 
 
 Ap. How many Acts are there in a Play ?
 
 1 28 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. I have read in Horace that they ought not to exceed 
 five. 
 
 Ap. Well then, so many different Courses you must have. 
 Let the first Course be Soop, and the last a Desert of Sweet- 
 meats. 
 
 Sp. What Order of the Courses do you approve of ? 
 
 Ap. The same that Pyrrhus did in his Army. 
 
 Sp. What say you ? 
 
 Ap. As in an Oration, so at a Feast, the Preface, or first 
 Courses should not be very delicate; and again, the last 
 Course should rather excel in Variety, than Daintiness. So 
 Pyrrhus's Discipline consisted in three Particulars, that on 
 each Side there should be something excellent, and in the 
 Middle, that which was more ordinary. By this Method, it 
 will be so ordered, that you will neither appear to be sparing, 
 nor prodigal by Reason of a cloying Abundance. 
 
 Sp. The Eating-Part is well enough contriv'd ; now tell 
 me what is to be done as to drinking ? 
 
 Ap. Don't you give the Cup to any Body ; leave that to 
 your Servants, to ask every Body what Sort of Wine he 
 likes, and to fill every one the Wine he drinks readily, at 
 the very first Call or Nod. In this there will be a twofold 
 Conveniency, they will drink both more sparingly and more 
 merrily ; not only because every now and then there would 
 otherwise be a different Sort of Wine given them, but also 
 because no Body will drink but when he is dry. 
 
 Sp. Upon my Word, this is very good Advice. But then 
 how will they all be made merry ? 
 
 Ap. That's partly in your Power. 
 
 Sp. How is that ? 
 
 Ap. You know the old Proverb, A Jiearty Welcome is the 
 best C/teer. 
 
 Sp. How is that ? 
 
 Ap. Entertain them courteously, speak to them with a 
 chearful Countenance, ordering your Speech according to 
 each Person's Age and Humour. 
 
 Sp. I'll come nearer to you, that I may hear the better.
 
 The Unequal Feast. 129 
 
 Ap. You understand Languages ? 
 
 Sp. Yes, most Languages. 
 
 Ap. You must ever and anon speak to every one in his 
 own Tongue ; and that the Entertainment may be the more 
 diverting by a Variety of Stories, intermix such Matters as 
 every one will remember with Pleasure, and no Body will 
 be uneasy to hear. 
 
 Sp. What Sort of Matters mean you ? 
 
 Ap. The peculiar Differences of Dispositions, which you 
 yourself are better vers'd in ; I will only touch upon some 
 Heads. Old Men take a Pleasure in relating those Things 
 that are out of the Memory of many Persons, and are Ad- 
 mirers of those Times, in which they were in their Prime. 
 It's a pleasant Thing to a married Woman to have the 
 Memory of that Time refreshed, when she was courted by 
 her Sweethearts. Mariners that have been in divers and far 
 distant Countries, take a Pleasure to tell of those Things 
 that they have seen, and other People admire at ; and ac- 
 cording to the Proverb, the Remembrance of Dangers, when 
 they are over, is very pleasant, if they are such as have no- 
 thing opprobious in them, as in the Army, in Travels, in the 
 Dangers at Sea : And in the last Place, every one loves 
 to talk of his own Calling, especially in that Part that he 
 excels in. These are some general Heads ; as to par- 
 ticular Affections it is not possible to describe them ; but 
 for Example Sake, one is ambitious of Honour, another 
 would be accounted learned, another loves to be taken for 
 a rich Man ; one is full of Talk, another is sparing of his 
 Speech ; some will be surly, others on the other Hand af- 
 fable ; some don't care to be thought old when they are so, 
 and some would fain be thought older than they are, affect- 
 ing to be admir'd for carrying their Age well. Some Women 
 please themselves mightily in being thought handsome, and 
 some love to be flattered. These Dispositions being known, 
 it will be no difficult Matter so to intermix Speeches, as to 
 be pleasing to every one, and to avoid those Things that 
 cause Uneasiness. 
 
 VOL. ii. I
 
 1 30 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. Upon my Troth, you are excellently skill'd in the Art 
 of ordering an Entertainment. 
 
 Ap. Phoo ! if I had spent as much Time, and taken as 
 much Pains in the Study of the Law, Physick, or Divinity, 
 as I have spent upon this Art, I had long before now com- 
 menc'd Doctor of them all. 
 
 Sp. I am of your Mind. 
 
 Ap. But hark ye, that you may not mistake, you must be 
 sure to take Care, that your Stories be not long-winded ones, 
 and that they don't turn upon Drunkenness ; for as there is 
 nothing better than Wine drank with Moderation, so, on the 
 other hand, there is nothing worse, if you drink too much. 
 It is the same in Stories. 
 
 Sp. You say right. But what Remedy have you for this ? 
 
 Ap. When you perceive any dispos'd to be quarrelsom, 
 take an Opportunity to break off abruptly from what you 
 were saying, and talk of something else. I take it to be un- 
 necessary to caution you against bringing any one's Affliction 
 to his Mind, during the Time of the Entertainment. Plato 
 is of Opinion, that Banquets will cure some Distempers, the 
 Wine driving away Sorrow, and making Persons forget what 
 caused Uneasiness to them. But you ought to be caution'd 
 of this, not to salute the Guests too often ; yet I would have 
 you walk about sometimes, and speak kindly first to one, 
 and then to another ; for a Master of a Feast ought to act 
 a moveable Part in the Play. But then again, there is no- 
 thing more uncivil than to be continually talking of the 
 Sorts of Provision, the Manner of dressing it, and what it 
 cost you. It is the same Thing as to the Wine. But you 
 should rather modestly undervalue the Provision ; for if 
 you undervalue it too much, it will be much the same as if 
 you were ostentatious concerning it. It is sufficient to say 
 twice, or at the most three Times, Muck Good may't do you ; 
 and Tho 1 my Entertainment is but homely, your Welcome 
 is fiearty. Sometimes you may break a Jest, but such a one 
 that has no Teeth. It will also be proper to bespeak every 
 one, now and then, in his own Tongue, but in a few Words.
 
 The Unequal Feast. 131 
 
 But it now comes into my Mind, to speak what I should 
 have said at the beginning. 
 
 Sp. What is it ? 
 
 Ap. If you han't a Mind to place the Guests by Lot, take 
 Care to chuse three out of the Company, that are of a di- 
 verting Humour, and apt to talk, place one at the upper 
 End of the Table, another at the lower End, and a third in 
 the Middle, that they may keep the rest from being either 
 silent or melancholy. And if you perceive the Company 
 grow either mute or noisy, and inclinable to fall out. 
 
 Sp. This is very common with our Countrymen ; but 
 what must be done then ? 
 
 Ap. Then take the Course that I have frequently ex- 
 perienc'd to succeed. 
 
 Sp. I want to hear it. 
 
 Ap. Bring in a Couple of Buffoons or Jesters, who by 
 their Gestures may express some Argument without speak- 
 ing a Word. 
 
 Sp. But why without speaking ? 
 
 Ap. That the Guests may be all equally diverted ; or, if 
 they do speak, let them speak in a Language that none of 
 them understands. By speaking by Gestures they will all 
 understand alike. 
 
 Sp. I can't very well tell what you mean by an Argument. 
 
 Ap. There are a Thousand ; as suppose, a Wife fighting 
 with the Husband for the Breeches, or any other such comi- 
 cal Transaction in low Life. And, as to Dancing, the more 
 ridiculous it is, the more diverting it will be. These ought 
 not to be above half Fools ; for, if they be downright Ideots, 
 they will, before they are aware, foolishly blab out what may 
 give Offence. 
 
 Sp. As you have given me good Advice, so I wish that 
 the Deity Comus may always befriend ye. 
 
 Ap. I will conclude with this, or rather repeat what I said 
 at first ; Don't be too thoughtful to please every Body, not 
 only in this Affair, but in any other Circumstance of Life 
 and that will be the Way to please them the sooner ; for it 
 is a good Maxim in Life, Too much of one Thing is good for 
 nothing.
 
 Of THINGS and WORDS. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy concerning Things and Words, exposes 
 tJte preposterous Judgments of some People, who are 
 more ambitious of Names, than they are of the 
 Things themselves ; to be esteemed, than to deserve 
 Esteem. In aiming at Things, it is better to be and 
 to have ; in avoiding Things, it is better to be thought 
 to have them and be without them. It is the worst 
 of Frauds to cheat a Friend. 
 
 BEATUS^;^ BONIFACE. 
 
 - God bless you, Boniface. 
 
 Bo. And God bless you heartily, Beatus. But I wish 
 we were both of us answerable to our Names, you rich, and 
 I handsom. 
 
 Be. Why then, do you account it so small a Matter to have 
 a great Name ? 
 
 Bo. Indeed I make very small Account of the Name, un- 
 less there be the Thing too. 
 
 Be. But most Men are of another Mind. 
 
 Bo. Perhaps they may be Mortals, but I don't take 'em to 
 be Men. 
 
 Be. Nay, good Man, they are Men, unless you think there 
 are now-a-Days Camels and Asses in the Shape of Men. 
 
 Bo. I should sooner be of that Mind, than believe that 
 they can be Men, who had rather have the Name than the 
 Thing itself.
 
 Of Tilings and Words. 133 
 
 Be. In some Sort of Things, I confess, that many had 
 rather have the Thing, than the Name ; but in many Things 
 it is quite the contrary. 
 
 Bo. I don't very well take you in. 
 
 Be. We have an Example of it in ourselves, you are call'd 
 Boniface, and you have what you are call'd ; but if you were 
 to be depriv'd of either of them, had you rather have an 
 ugly Face, or be call'd Cornelius ? 
 
 Bo. Why, indeed, I had rather be call'd Thersites, than 
 have a Face as ugly as the Devil ; whether I have a hand- 
 som one now or not, I can't tell. 
 
 Be. Then again, if I was rich, or must either part with my 
 Wealth or my Name, I had rather be call'd Irus than be 
 depriv'd of my Estate. I grant what you say to be true ; 
 and I am of Opinion it is the common Temper of those that 
 enjoy Health, and other corporal Enjoyments. 
 
 Bo. It is probable. 
 
 Be. But how many may we see that had rather have the 
 Name of being learned and pious, than to be learned and 
 
 pious 
 
 Bo. I know a great many of this Sort of People. 
 
 Be. Well then, is not the Name more esteem'd among us 
 than the Thing itself ? 
 
 Bo. So it seems to be. 
 
 Be. Now if we had a good Logician, who could properly 
 define what a King, a Bishop, a Magistrate, and a Philo- 
 sopher was, it is very likely we should find some among 
 them, who are more for the Name than the Thing itself. 
 
 Bo. He is really a King who aims at the Good of his 
 People, and not his own ; governing them by Law and 
 Justice : And he a Bishop, who watches carefully over the 
 Lord's Flock : And he is a Magistrate, who sincerely studies 
 the good of the Publick. And a Philosopher is one, who 
 neglecting the Goods of Fortune, studies only to get the 
 Endowments of the Mind. 
 
 Be. By these you may see how many Examples of this 
 Kind I could produce.
 
 134 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Bo. Why truly, a great many. 
 
 Be. Will you deny all these to be Men ? 
 
 Bo. I am afraid we shall sooner lose the Name of Men 
 ourselves. 
 
 Be. But if Man is a rational Animal, how contrary is it 
 to Reason, that in the Conveniencies, rather than the real 
 Goods of the Body, and in external Things, which Fortune 
 gives and takes away at her Pleasure ; we had rather have 
 the Thing itself than the Name ; and in the real Goods of 
 the Mind, we put more Value upon the Name, than the 
 Thing itself. 
 
 Bo. It is an absurd Way of judging, if a Man did but con- 
 sider it seriously. 
 
 Be. And the Reason is quite the same in those Things, 
 that are on the contrary Side. 
 
 Bo. I expect what you're going to say. 
 
 Be. We may pass the same Judgment as to the Names 
 of those Things that are to be avoided, as has been given as 
 to those that are to be desired. 
 
 Bo. That's plain. 
 
 Be. For to be a Tyrant is more to be abhorr'd, than to 
 have the Name ; and if a Bishop be a bad Man, the Scrip- 
 ture calls him a Thief, and a Robber : These Names are not 
 to be detested by us, so much as the Things themselves. 
 
 Bo. In Truth I am of your Mind. 
 
 Be. Do you infer the same as to the rest ? 
 
 Bo. I understand you perfectly well. 
 
 Be. Don't all Fools hate to be call'd Fools ? 
 
 Bo. Yes indeed, and more than other Folks. 
 
 Be. Would not he be a Fool that should fish with a golden 
 Hook, and prefer Glass before Jewels ? that should put more 
 Value upon his Horses, than his Wife and Children ? 
 
 Bo. He would be a greater Fool than Ben of the Minories. 
 
 Be. Are not they such Fools that list themselves for Sol- 
 diers, and for the Sake of a poor Pay expose Body and Soul 
 to Danger ? who make it their Study to scrape up Riches, 
 when their Minds are destitute of all good Science ? who
 
 Of Things and Words. 135 
 
 make their Cloaths and Houses fine, but let their Minds lie 
 neglected and slovenly ? who are very careful to preserve 
 their Bodies in Health, and take no Care of their Minds, 
 that are sick of mortal Diseases ? and in the last Place, who 
 for the Sake of enjoying the fleeting Pleasures of this Life, 
 deserve eternal Torments ? 
 
 Bo. Reason itself obliges a Man to confess, that they are 
 worse than Fools. 
 
 Be. But tho' every Place is full of such Fools as these, 
 you can scarce find one that can bear to be call'd a Fool, tho' 
 they have no Aversion to being Fools. 
 
 Bo. It is really so. 
 
 Be. Come on, you know every Body hates to be call'd a 
 Lyar or a Thief. 
 
 Bo. They are very hateful Names, and not without Reason. 
 
 Be. But for all that, tho' to debauch another Man's Wife 
 is a greater Sin than Theft, some glory in the Name of 
 Adulterers ; and if you were to call them Thieves, they 
 would draw their Swords upon you. 
 
 Bo. This is a common Thing with a great many. 
 
 Be. And again, tho' many give themselves up to Whoring, 
 and Drinking, and do it publickly ; yet if you should call 
 them Whoremasters, they would be highly offended at it. 
 
 Bo. These glory in the Thing, and hate the Name that 
 belongs to it. 
 
 Be. There is scarce any Name that sounds harsher in our 
 Ears, than the Name of a Lyar. 
 
 Bo. I know some that would run a Man thro', that should 
 affront them by giving them the Lye. 
 
 Be. But I wish they did as much abhor the Practice. 
 Have you never had it happen to you, that he that promis'd 
 to pay you what you lent him, upon a certain Day, fail'd 
 you ? 
 
 Bo. Ay, very often ; and tho' he had sworn to it too, and 
 not only once, but over and over. 
 
 Be. But it may be they were not able to pay. 
 
 Bo. Nay, they were able enough, but they thought it more 
 to their Advantage to let it alone.
 
 136 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Be. And is not this Lying ? 
 
 Bo. Ay, downright. 
 
 Be. And did you dare to say to this Debtor, Why have 
 you told me so many Lyes ? 
 
 Bo. No, not except I had a Mind to fight him too. 
 
 Be. Well, and in like Manner do not Masons, Smiths, 
 Goldsmiths, and Taylors promise Things upon a certain 
 Day ; and don't perform it, altho' it is of great Concern to 
 you ? 
 
 Bo. Ay, and are not at all asham'd of it : And you may 
 add to these, such Persons as promise to do you a Kindness. 
 
 Be. Ay, you might give a thousand Instances more, not 
 one of which would bear to have the Lye given them. 
 
 Bo. The World abounds with these Lyes. 
 
 Be. So in like Manner no Body will bear to be call'd 
 Thief, when at the same Time, they have not the same Ab- 
 horrence of stealing. 
 
 Bo. I would have you tell me plainly. 
 
 Be. What Difference is there between him that steals a 
 Thing out of your Escritoire, and him that forswears what 
 you have deposited with him ? 
 
 Bo. No Difference but this, that he's the more wicked Man 
 that robs him who reposes a Confidence in him. 
 
 Be. But how few are there that do restore that which has 
 been put into their Hands ? or, if they do, restore the whole. 
 
 Bo. I believe but very few. 
 
 Be. But yet not one of them will bear to be call'd a Thief, 
 tho' he has no Aversion to the Thing itself. 
 
 Bo. This is very common. 
 
 Be. Now do but reckon up with me, what is commonly 
 done in the Management of the Estates of Orphans, as to 
 Wills and Legacies ; how much sticks to the Fingers of the 
 Managers ? 
 
 Bo. Very often the whole. 
 
 Be. They love Thieving, but hate the Name of it. 
 
 Bo. 'Tis true. 
 
 Be. What do Collectors and Coiners of publick Money
 
 Of Things and Words. 1 3 7 
 
 do, who either coin it with too great an Allay, or too light ? 
 Or they who raise and fall the Exchange of Money for pri- 
 vate Ends ? Tho' we don't very well understand the Reason 
 of it, yet we may speak of what we experience daily. He 
 that borrows, or runs in Debt with Design never to pay, 
 altho' he be able, differs very little from a Thief. 
 
 Bo. He may probably be said to be more wary, but not 
 more honest. 
 
 Be. But notwithstanding there is so great a Number, yet 
 none of them can endure the Name of a Thief. 
 
 Bo. God alone knows the Heart ; and for that Reason, 
 among Men, those that run themselves over Head and Ears 
 in Debt, are not call'd Thieves. 
 
 Be. What signifies what Men call them, if God accounts 
 them Thieves ? Surely every one knows his own Mind. 
 And besides, he that owes a great Deal of Money, and yet 
 dishonestly lavishes away what Money he gets ; and after 
 he has broke, and cheated his Creditors in one City, runs 
 into another, hunting about for People to cheat ; the oftner 
 he does so, does not he declare the more plainly what he is 
 at Heart ? 
 
 Bo. Ay, too plainly ; but they oftentimes gloss over the 
 Matter. 
 
 Be. How? 
 
 Bo. They pretend that this is a common Practice with 
 great Men, and Kings, to owe a great Deal of Money, and 
 to a great many Persons ; and therefore they that are of 
 this Disposition more resemble great Men. 
 
 Be. What Use would they make of that ? 
 
 Bo. It is admirable, what great Liberty they would have 
 allow'd to Knights. 
 
 Be. But by what Right, or by what Law ? 
 
 Bo. Just the same that the Lord of the Manor shall claim 
 to himself, whatsoever is cast a-Shore from a Shipwreck, 
 altho' there be a right Owner of it ; or by which other Per- 
 sons would keep to their own Use, what they take from a 
 Highway-Man after he has been apprehended.
 
 138 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Be. Robbers themselves might make such Laws. 
 
 Bo. Ay, and they would too, if they knew how to main- 
 tain them ; and they would have enough to plead in excuse 
 of them, if they did but denounce War before they com- 
 mitted the Robbery. 
 
 Be. Who gave Knights this Privilege above the Commons? 
 
 Bo. The Law of Arms ; for thus they are train'd up for 
 War, that they may be more expert at plundering the 
 Enemy. 
 
 Be. I believe it was after this Manner that Pyrrhus train'd 
 his Soldiers up to War. 
 
 Bo. No, but the Lacedemonians did. 
 
 Be. A Mischief take them, and their whole Army too. 
 But how came this Title to have so great a Prerogative ? 
 
 Bo. Some have it by Descent, some purchase it with 
 Money, and some take it to themselves. 
 
 Be. And may any Body have it that will ? 
 
 Bo. Yes, he may, if his Manners but be answerable to 
 theirs. 
 
 Be. What are they ? 
 
 Bo. Never to be guilty of doing a good Action, to go fine, 
 wear a Diamond Ring, whore stoutly, game continually, 
 spend his Life in Drinking and Diversion, speak of nothing 
 that's Mean, be continually cracking of Castles, Duels, Bat- 
 tles, and every Thing that looks great : They take the Li- 
 berty of quarrelling with whom they have a Mind, altho' 
 they han't a Foot of Land of their own to set their Feet 
 upon. 
 
 Be. Such Knights as these deserve to be mounted upon 
 the Wooden Horse : But there are a great many such 
 Knights in Gelderland.
 
 139 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Charon detests Christians fighting one with another. 
 An evil Genius brings News to Charon, that all 
 the Earth was up in Arms for War : Ossa, the 
 Goddess Fame in Homer, ttie Monks and Jesuits, 
 are the Incendiaries. 
 
 CHARON, Genius ALASTOR. 
 
 r*H- Whither are you going so brisk, and in such Haste, 
 
 A las torf 
 
 A I. O Charon, you come in the Nick of Time, I was 
 coming to you. 
 
 Ch. Well, what News do you bring ? 
 
 A I. I bring a Message to you and Proserpine, that you 
 will be glad to hear. 
 
 Ch. Out with what you have brought, and lighten your 
 Burden. 
 
 AL The Furies have been no less diligent than they have 
 been successful, in gaining their Point : there is not a Foot 
 of Ground upon Earth, that they have not infected with 
 their hellish Calamities, Seditions, Wars, Robberies, and 
 Plagues ; so that they are grown quite bald, having shed 
 their Snakes, and having quite spit all their Venom, they 
 ramble about in search after whatever they can find of Vi- 
 pers and Asps ; being become as smooth as an Egg, not 
 having so much as a single Hair upon their Heads, and not 
 one Drop of Venom more in their Breasts. Do you get 
 your Boat and your Oars ready ; you will have such a vast 
 Multitude of Ghosts come to you anon, that I'm afraid you 
 won't be able to carry them all over yourself.
 
 140 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ch. I could have told you that. 
 
 A I. How came you to know it ? 
 
 Ch. Ossa brought me that News above two Days ago. 
 
 Al. Nothing is more swift than that Goddess. But what 
 makes you loitering here, having left your Boat ? 
 
 Ch. My Business brought me hither ; I came hither to 
 provide myself with a good strong Three-Oar'd Boat : for 
 my Boat is so rotten and leaky with Age, that it will not 
 carry such a Burden, if Ossa told me true. But, indeed, 
 what Need was there of Ossa ? for the Thing shews itself, 
 for I have suffered Shipwreck already. 
 
 Al. Indeed you are dropping dry, I fancied you were just 
 come out of a Bath. 
 
 Ch. No, I swam out of the Stygian Lake. 
 
 Al. Where did you leave the Ghosts ? 
 
 Ch. They are swimming among the Frogs. 
 
 Al. But what was it that Ossa told you ? 
 
 Ch. That the three Monarchs of the World were bent 
 upon one another's Destruction with a mortal Hatred, and 
 that there was no Part of Christendom free from the Rage 
 of War ; for these three have drawn all the rest in to be en- 
 gag'd in the War with them. They are all so haughty, that 
 not one of them will in the least submit to the other : Nor 
 are the Danes, the Poles, the Scots, nor the Turks at Quiet, 
 but are preparing to make dreadful Havock. The Plague 
 rages every where, in Spain, Britain, Italy, and France; 
 and more than all, there is a new Fire sprung out of the 
 Variety of Opinions, which has so corrupted the Minds of 
 all Men, that there is no such Thing as sincere Friendship 
 any where ; But Brother is at Enmity with Brother, and 
 Husband and Wife cannot agree. And it is to be hop'd, that 
 this Distraction will be a glorious Destruction of Mankind, 
 if these Controversies, that are now managed by the Tongue 
 and the Pen, come once to be decided by Arms. 
 
 Al. All that Fame has told you is very true ; for I my- 
 self, having been a constant Companion of the Furies, have 
 with these Eyes seen more than all this, and that they never
 
 Charon. 141 
 
 at any Time have approv'd themseves more worthy of their 
 Name, than now. 
 
 Ch. But there is Danger, lest some Good Spirit should 
 start up, and of a sudden exhort them to Peace : And Men's 
 Minds are variable, for I have heard, that among the Living 
 there is one Polygraphus y who is continually, by his Writing, 
 inveighing against Wars, and exhorting to Peace. 
 
 Al. Ay, ay, but he has a long Time been talking to the 
 Deaf. He once wrote a Sort of Hue and Cry after Peace, 
 that was banish'd or driven away ; and after that, an Epitaph 
 upon Peace defunct. But then, on the other Hand, there are 
 others that advance our Cause no less than the Furies do 
 themselves. 
 
 Ch. Who are they ? 
 
 A I. They are a certain Sort of Animals in black and white 
 Vestments, Ash-colour'd Coats, and various other Dresses, 
 that are always hovering about the Courts of Princes, and 
 are continually instilling into their Ears the Love of War, 
 and exhorting the Nobility and common People to it, haran- 
 guing them in their Sermons, that it is a just, holy and re- 
 ligious War. And that which would make you stand in 
 admiration at the Confidence of these Men, is the Cry of 
 both Parties. In France they preach it up, that God is on 
 the French Side, and they can never be overcome, that have 
 God for their Protector. In England and Spain the Cry is, 
 the War is not the King's, but God's ; therefore, if they do 
 but fight like Men, they depend upon getting the Victory ; 
 and if any one should chance to fall in the Battle, he will 
 not die, but fly directly up into Heaven, Arms and all. 
 
 Ch. And is Credit given to all this ? 
 
 Al. What can't a well-dissembled Religion do ? when to 
 this there is added Youth, Unexperiencedness, Ambition, a 
 natural Animosity, and a Mind propense to any Thing that 
 offers itself. It is an easy Matter to impose upon such ; it 
 is an easy Matter to overthrow a Waggon, that was inclining 
 to fall before. 
 
 Ch. I would do these Animals a good Turn with all my 
 Heart
 
 142 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 A I. Prepare a good Treat ; you can do nothing that will 
 be more acceptable to them. 
 
 Ch. What, of Mallows, and Lupines, and Leeks ? for you 
 know we have no other Provision in our Territories. 
 
 AL No, but of Partridges, and Capons, and Pheasants, if 
 you would have them look upon you as a good Caterer. 
 
 Ck. But what is it that moves these People to be so hot 
 for War ? What will they get by it ? 
 
 Al. Because they get more by those that die, than those 
 that live. There are last Wills and Testaments, Funeral 
 Obsequies, Bulls, and a great many other Articles of no des- 
 picable Profit. And in the last Place, they had rather live 
 in a Camp, than in their Cells. War breeds a great many 
 Bishops, who were not thought good for any Thing in a 
 Time of Peace. 
 
 Ch. Well, they understand their Business. 
 
 Al. But what Occasion have you for a new Boat ? 
 
 Ch. None at all, if I had a Mind to be wreck'd again in 
 the Stygian Lake. 
 
 Al. How came that about ? because you had too large a 
 Company ? 
 
 Ch. Yes. 
 
 Al. But you carry Shadows, not Bodies. 
 
 Ch. Let them be Water- Spiders, yet there may be enough 
 of them to over-load a Boat ; and then you know my Boat 
 is but a shadowy Boat neither. 
 
 Al. But I remember once upon a Time, when you had a 
 great Company, so many that your Boat would not hold 
 them, I have seen three thousand hanging upon your Stem, 
 and you were not sensible of any Weight at all. 
 
 Ch. I confess there are such Sorts of Ghosts ; those are 
 such as pass slowly out of the Body, being reduced to little 
 or nothing with Consumptions, and Hectick-Fevers. But 
 as for those that are torn of a sudden out of gross Bodies, 
 they bring a great Deal of corpulent Substance along with 
 them ; such as are sent hither by Apoplexies, Quinseys, 
 Pestilences, and especially by War.
 
 Charon. 143 
 
 A I. I don't think the French or Spaniards bring much 
 Weight along with them. 
 
 Ch. Much less than the rest ; but for all that, their Ghosts 
 are not altogether so light as Feathers neither. But as for the 
 Englishmen and Germans that feed well, they come some- 
 times in such Case, that I was lately in Danger of going to the 
 Bottom in carrying only ten ; and unless I had thrown some 
 of my Lading over-Board, I had been lost, Boat, Passengers, 
 and Boat-Hire, all together. 
 
 A I. You were in great Danger then indeed. 
 
 Ch. But what do you think I must do, when so many fat 
 Lords, Hectors, and Bullies, shall come to us ? 
 
 Al. As for those that die in a just War, I suppose none 
 of them will come to you ; for they say, they fly bolt up- 
 right into Heaven. 
 
 Ch. I can't tell where they fly to ; but this I am sure of, 
 as often as there is a War, there come so many Wounded 
 and Cripples to me, that I admire that there should be one 
 Soul left above Ground ; and they come over-charg'd, not 
 only with Surfeits and Paunch-Bellies, but with Bulls, Bene- 
 fices, and a great many other Things. 
 
 Al. But they don't bring these Things along with them, 
 but come naked to you. 
 
 Ch. True; but at their first coming, they bring the Dreams 
 of all these Things along with them. 
 
 A I. Are Dreams so heavy then ? 
 
 Ch. They load my Boat ; load it, did I say ? nay, they 
 have sunk it before now. And, in the last Place, do you 
 think so many Halfpence don't weigh any Thing ? 
 
 A I. Yes, I believe they do, if they bring Brass ones. 
 
 Ch. Therefore I am resolv'd to look out for a Vessel, that 
 shall be fit for my Cargo. 
 
 A I. You're a happy Fellow. 
 
 Ch. Wherein ? 
 
 Al. Because you'll get an Estate in a Trice. 
 
 Ch. What, out of a Multitude of Ghosts ? 
 
 Al. Yes, indeed.
 
 1 44 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ch. Ay, if they did but bring their Wealth along with 
 them. But now they sit in my Boat, bewailing themselves 
 for the Kingdoms, and Dignities, and Abbacies, and the in- 
 numerable Talents of Gold they have left behind them, and 
 bring me nothing but a poor Halfpenny : So that all I have 
 been scraping together for these three thousand Years, will 
 go for the Purchase of a new Boat. 
 
 A I. They that expect Gain, must be at some Charge. 
 
 Ch. But the People in the World have better Trading, I 
 hear ; for, if Fortune favour them, they can get an Estate 
 in three Years Time. 
 
 Al. Ay, and sometimes turn Bankrupts too ; tho' your 
 Gain is less, it is more certain. 
 
 Ch. I can't tell how certain it is, if any Deity should start 
 up, and make Peace among the Princes, all this goodly Ex- 
 pectation of mine is knock'd on the Head at once. 
 
 AL As to that Matter, I'll take upon me to be your Se- 
 curity, so that you may set your Heart at Rest. You have 
 no Reason to fear a Peace for these ten Years : The Pope 
 is the only Man that persuades them to come to an Agree- 
 ment among themselves ; but he had as good keep his 
 Breath to cool his Porridge. The Cities murmur at the 
 Load of Calamities they lie under ; and some there are, I 
 can't tell who, that whisper it about, that it is an unreason- 
 able Thing, that the whole World should be turned upside 
 down, for the private Piques and Ambition of two or three 
 Persons. But for all this, take my Word for it, the Furies 
 will get the better of it, let these Attempts be as promising 
 as they will. But what Occasion had you to come into this 
 World to get a Boat ? han't we Workmen enough among 
 ourselves ? We have Vulcan, have we not ? 
 
 Ch. Ay, right, if I wanted a Boat of Brass. 
 
 Al. Or, you may send for a Workman fora small Matter. 
 
 Ch. I might do that, but I want Materials. 
 
 Al. What say you ? Are there no Woods in this Country ? 
 
 Ch. All the Woods in the Elysian Fields are destroy'd. 
 
 Al. In doing what ?
 
 Charon. 145 
 
 Ch. In burning Hereticks Ghosts, so that of late, for Fuel 
 we have been forc'd to dig for Coals in the Bowels of the 
 Earth. 
 
 A I. What, could not Ghosts be punish'd at a less Charge 
 than that ? 
 
 Ch. RJiadamanthus (the Judge) would have it so. 
 
 Al. If it be so, when you have got a Boat, where will you 
 get Oars ? 
 
 Ch. It is my Business to steer, let the Ghosts row them- 
 selves, if they have a Mind to get over. 
 
 Al. But some of them never learned to row. 
 
 Ch. I have no Respect for Persons, Kings and Cardinals 
 row with me ; every one takes his Turn, as much as the 
 poorest Peasant, whether they have learned to row or not. 
 
 Al. Well, do you see and get a Boat as cheap as you can, 
 I won't detain you any longer, I'll away to Hell with my 
 good News : But, soho, soho, Charon. 
 
 Ch. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Al. Make Haste, and get back as soon as you can, lest you 
 be smothered in the Crowd. 
 
 Ch. Nay, you'll find at least Two hundred thousand upon 
 the Bank already, besides those that are paddling in the Lake. 
 I'll make what Haste I can ; and do you tell them I shall 
 be there presently. 
 
 VOL. II.
 
 146 
 
 The ASSEMBLY of GRAMMARIANS. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 In this Colloquy a certain Carthusian is ridicuVd, a 
 mighty Pretender to the Greek Tongue, and a very 
 learned Man in his own Opinion, who gave his Book 
 a Greek Title, calling those Anticomaritas, which he 
 should rather have call'd Antimarians, or Antidico- 
 marians. The whole Club of Grammarians dispute 
 about this Word, and trump up a great many Ety- 
 mologies of it. At last they come to this Resolution, 
 to call tJie Author of that Word, Archimorita. 
 
 ALBINUS, BERTULPHUS, CANTHELUS, 
 DIPHILUS, EUMENIUS, FABULLUS, 
 GADITANUS. 
 
 A L. Is there any Body here that understands Arithme- 
 tick ? 
 
 Ber. For what ? 
 
 Al. To cast up exactly how many Grammarians there are 
 of us. 
 
 Ber. That may be done without a Counting-Table, we may 
 count upon our Fingers ; I count you upon my Thumb, my- 
 self upon my fore Finger, Cantlielus upon my middle Finger, 
 Diphilus, upon my Ring-Finger, and Eumenius upon my 
 little Finger : and now I go to my left Hand ; there I count 
 Fabullus upon my Thumb, and Gaditanus on my fore 
 Finger ; so that, unless I am out in my Account, we are 
 seven of us. But to what Purpose is it for us to know that ? 
 
 Al. Because, as I have heard, the Number Seven makes 
 up a compleat Council
 
 The Assembly of Grammarians. 147 
 
 Ber. What makes you talk of a Council ? 
 
 Al. There is a Matter of Moment that has puzzled me a 
 long Time, and not me alone, but a great many other Men of 
 no mean Learning ; I will propose it, that the Question may 
 be decided by the Authority of this Assembly. 
 
 Can. Sure it must be some knotty Subject, that you can't 
 decide it yourself, Albinus ; or that it should puzzle you, 
 that are of so penetrating a Judgment. Therefore we de- 
 sire to know what this difficult Matter is. I speak in the 
 Name of all the rest. 
 
 Al. Well then, do you all be very attentive, applying both 
 your Ears, and your Minds ; Two Heads are better than 
 one. Is there any one of you all that can explain what is 
 the Meaning of this Word Anticomarita ? 
 
 Ber. That's the easiest Thing in the World, for it signfies 
 a Kind of a Beet, which the Antients call'd a Water-Beet, 
 having a knotty wreathed Stalk, very insipid, but of a very 
 stinking Smell, if you touch it ; so that it may vie with the 
 Bean-Cod Tree. 
 
 Can. A Natatile Beet, do you say ? Nay, rather a Cacatile 
 Beast. Who ever heard of, or ever read the Name of a 
 swimming Beet ? 
 
 Ber. Yes, Mammotrectus (as he is corruptly call'd) which 
 should be pronounc'd Mammothreptos, as tho' you should 
 say his Grandmother's Darling, has made this as plain as 
 the Nose in a Man's Face. 
 
 Al. What Sort of a Title is that ? 
 
 Ber. This is to give you to understand, that there is no- 
 thing in the Book but darling Things, because Mamma's, 
 i.e. Grandmothers, are wont to be more fond of their Grand- 
 Children, than their Mothers themselves are of their own 
 Children. 
 
 Al. You talk of a darling Work indeed. I happen'd 
 lately to dip into this Book, I e'en burst my Sides with 
 laughing. 
 
 Can. Where did you get that Book ? it is very scarce. 
 
 Ber. Being at Dinner at Bruges, Livinus, the Abbot of
 
 148 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Bavo, carried me into his private Library, which the old 
 Gentleman had furnish'd with scarce Books at a vast Ex- 
 pence, being desirous to leave some Monument of himself 
 to Posterity. There was not a Book, but what was a Manu- 
 script, and upon Vellum too, and illuminated with various 
 Pictures, and bound in Velvet, and emboss'd with Gold. 
 And besides, there being a vast Number of them, they made 
 a very stately Shew. 
 
 AL What Books were they ? 
 
 Ber. They were all excellent Books ; there was the Catho- 
 licon, Brachylogus, and Ovid expounded allegorically, and 
 Abundance of others ; and among them I found this facetious 
 Book Mammothreptos: And among the rest of the Curiosities 
 I found also this Natatile Beet. 
 
 AL Why do they call it natatile ? 
 
 Ber. I'll relate to you what I read ; as for the Truth of it, 
 let the Author be answerable for that. Forasmuch, says 
 he, as it grows in wet, stinking Places, and thrives no where 
 so well as in Mud, or a Dunghill, saving your Reverence, 
 Sir 
 
 AL Therefore it stinks, does it ? 
 
 Ber. Ay, worse than a Turd. 
 
 AL Is this Herb good for any Thing ? 
 
 Ber. Yes, it is accounted a great Delicacy. 
 
 AL Perhaps by Swine, or Asses, or Cyprian Cows. 
 
 Ber. Nay, by Men themselves, and very fine-mouth'd ones 
 too. There is a People call'd the Peligni, who make their 
 Dinners of an extraordinary Length ; and the parting Glass 
 they call a Resumpta in their Language, as we call it a 
 Dessert or Kickshaws. 
 
 AL Fine Desserts indeed ! 
 
 Ber. The Law of the Entertainment is, that the Enter- 
 tainer shall have the Liberty of having what he will brought 
 to the Table ; and it is not allowed that the Guests should 
 refuse any Thing, but must take all well. 
 
 AL What if he should have Henbane, or twice-boiled 
 Coleworts set before them ?
 
 The Assembly of Grammarians. 149 
 
 Ber. Let it be what it will, they must eat it, and not speak 
 a Word against it But when they come Home, they are at 
 Liberty to vomit it up again, if they please. And in their 
 Entertainments, one Dish is commonly this Water-Beet or 
 Anticomarita, for it matters not which Name you call it by, 
 the Thing is the same. They mix a great Deal of Oak- 
 Bark, and a good Quantity of Garlick with it. And this is 
 the Composition of the Tansey. 
 
 Al. Who made this barbarous Law? 
 
 Ber. Custom, the most mighty of Tyrants. 
 
 Al. You tell me a Story of a tragical Conclusion, which 
 has such a nauseous Ending. 
 
 Ber. I have given my Solution of the Question, not im- 
 posing it upon any Body, nor to prevent any Body, who has 
 a Mind to offer theirs. 
 
 Can. I have found out that the Antients had a Fish that 
 they call'd Anticomarita. 
 
 Ber. What Author is that in ? 
 
 Can. I can produce the Book, but I can't tell the Author's 
 Name ; it is written in French Words, but in the Hebrew 
 Character. 
 
 Ber. What's the Shape of this Fish call'd Anticomarita^. 
 
 Can. The Belly is white, but all over every where else it 
 has black Scales. 
 
 Ber. I fancy you have a Mind, of this Fish to make a 
 Cynic with a Cloak ; what Taste has it ? 
 
 Can. It has the nastiest Taste in the World ; and besides 
 that, it is infectious too. It breeds in old Lakes, and some- 
 times in Houses of Office. It is a good-for-nothing muddy 
 Fish ; if you put but a Bit of it into your Mouth, it causes a 
 certain tough Phlegm, that you can hardly bring up by 
 taking a Vomit. It is very common in the Country call'd 
 Celtithrace ; they esteem it as a Delicacy, and at the same 
 Time account it a more detestable Crime than Murder, to 
 taste a Bit of Flesh. 
 
 A I. A. very wretched Country with their Anticomarita ! 
 
 Can. This is what I have to say ; but I would not have 
 any Body to be determined by my Opinion.
 
 150 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Di. What Occasion have we to fetch the Explanation of 
 this Word from Mammothreptos's or Hebrew Writings, when 
 the very Etymology of the Word shews plainly, that Anti- 
 comarita signifies Damsels unhappily married, that is to say, 
 to old Husbands ? And it is no new Thing for Writers to 
 write co instead of quo ; c, q, and k are cognate Letters. 
 
 Eu. What Diphilus has mention'd carries something of 
 Weight with it, if we were sure the Word was a Latin one. 
 I take it to be a Greek Word, and a Compound of these 
 three, avri, which signifies against ; fcw^r), which signifies a 
 Town ; and oapl^eiv, which signifies to tattle like a Woman : 
 and so by striking out o by the Figure Synalcepha it is An- 
 ticomarita, one who by clownish prating makes every Body 
 deaf. 
 
 Fa. My Eumenius has made it out very elaborately ; but 
 in my Opinion the Word is composed of as many Words as 
 it has Syllables ; for av stands for avovs, rt for rfaXow, KCO 
 for KcaBui, fia for fjui\a, and pv for pinrapa, (for it is an Error 
 to write it with an i) and ra for raXa? ; and out of these is 
 formed this Sentence, A mad uuretcJied Person pulling the 
 Hairs out of a rotten Hide. 
 
 Al. Indeed such Food as a Water-Beet as Bertulphus was 
 speaking of just now was very fit for such a Workman. 
 
 Ber. That is as much as to say an Anticomarita for an 
 A nticomarita. 
 
 Ga. You have all spoken very learnedly to the Matter ; 
 but I am of Opinion that a disobedient Wife is call'd Anti- 
 comarita by the Figure Syncope, for Antidicomarita, because 
 she always crosses her Husband. 
 
 Al. If we allow of such Tropes, we might of a Turd make 
 a Bird, and of a Cook a Cuckoe. 
 
 Ber. But Albinus, who is the Chief of this Assembly, has 
 not given his Opinion yet. 
 
 A I. I have, indeed, nothing of my own to offer ; but, how- 
 ever, I shall not think much to acquaint you with what I 
 lately learn'd from my Landlord, who was a very talkative 
 Man ; he used to change his Discourse oftner than a Night-
 
 The Assembly of Grammarians. 151 
 
 ingale does her Note. He asserted it was a C/ialdee Word, 
 compounded of three Words : that among the Chaldeans, 
 anti signified cross-grain'd, or Brain-sick ; and comar, a 
 Rock ; and ita, belonging to a Shoe-Maker. 
 
 Ber. Who ever said that a Rock had Brains ? 
 
 A I. There is no Absurdity in that, if you do but change 
 the Gender. 
 
 Can. This Synod makes the old Proverb good, So many 
 Men, so many Minds. But what Conclusion are we come 
 to ? The Opinions may be summ'd up, but can't be divided ; 
 so that the major Part may carry it against the minor. 
 
 Al. Well then, let the better overcome the worse. 
 
 Can. But we must have another Assembly to do that ; for 
 every Man's own Geese are Swans. 
 
 A I. If that Proverb held good, we should not have so 
 many Adulteries as we have. But I can advise you to an 
 expeditious Method : Let us cast Lots whose Opinion of all 
 of them shall be allow'd to be determinative. 
 
 Can. That Lot will fall upon yourself. Have not I spoken 
 the Truth ? 
 
 Al. I approve best of the first, and of the last. 
 
 Can. If I may speak for the rest, we all agree. 
 
 A I. Well then, let it go for authentick. 
 
 Can. Let it be so. 
 
 Al. If any Body shall dissent, what shall be the Penalty ? 
 
 Can. Let him be set down in great Letters, A HERE- 
 TICK IN GRAMMAR. 
 
 Al. I will add very fortunately one Thing, that in my 
 Opinion ought not to be omitted : Having receiv'd it from 
 a Syrian Physician, I will communicate it to my Friends. 
 
 Ber. What is it ? 
 
 A I. If you pound a Water-Beet, an Oak-Gall, and some 
 Shoemakers Ink in a Mortar, and sprinkle with it six 
 Ounces of Dung, and make it into a Poultice, it will be a 
 present Remedy for the Mange and Measles in Hogs. 
 
 Ber. But hark ye, Albinus, you that have help'd us all to 
 this Job of the Anticomarita, what Author did you read it in?
 
 152 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 A I. I'll tell you, but in your Ear, and but one of you. 
 
 Ber. Well, I'll receive it, but upon this Condition, that I 
 may whisper it in the Ear of one Person too. 
 
 A I. But one repeated often enough will make a Thousand. 
 
 Ber. You say right, when you have once a Couple, it is not 
 in your Power to stop it from going further. 
 
 A I. That which a few know may be kept a Secret ; but 
 that which a great many know cannot ; three makes a 
 Multitude. 
 
 Ber. Right, he that has three Wives at the same Time, may 
 be said to have many ; but he that has but three Hairs upon 
 his Head, or three Teeth in his Mouth, maybe said to have 
 a few or none. 
 
 A I. Mind, Sophister. 
 
 Ber. What strange Story is this ! This is as absurd as if 
 the Greeks, who carry'd so many Fleets to conquer Troy, 
 should not be able to call it by its Name, but instead of 
 Troy should say Sutrium. 
 
 Al. But this is a Rabbin that is lately come down from 
 Heaven, who, unless he had, like a present Deity, lent his 
 Assistance in sustaining human Affairs, we had long ere now 
 been at a Loss to find either Men, Religion, Philosophy, 
 or Letters. 
 
 Ber. In Troth he ought to be one of Moriats Noblemen of 
 the first Rank, and deserves for the future to be call'd Archi- 
 morita (an Arch-Fool) with his Anticomarites.
 
 153 
 
 AFAMOS TAMO2, or, The UNEQUAL 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 The unequal Marriage exposes to View the Folly of 
 People in common, who in their Espousals chiefly 
 regard the Greatness of the Fortune, and disregard 
 the Diseases of the Husband, tho they are worse 
 than the Leprosy itself. The Description of a de- 
 form d Man. That the Cruelty of Parents in 
 matching their Daughters, is worse than that of 
 Mezentius, of which Virgil writes in his Tenth 
 Book o/^Enelds. He describes the Vices of a bad 
 Husband ; that this is not marrying a Man, but a 
 dead Carcass. In getting Dogs, Calves, and Horses, 
 they take Care to have one strong Beast copulate with 
 another, good ones with those that are like themselves; 
 nor won't suffer a diseasd one to leap a sound one. 
 That the Commonwealth sustains a great Detriment 
 by these foolish and unhappy Marriages. 
 
 PETRONIUS^ GABRIEL. 
 
 DET. Whence is our Gabriel come, with this sour Look ? 
 
 what, is he come out of Trophonius's Cave ? 
 
 Ga. No, I have been at a Wedding. 
 
 Pet. I never saw a Look in my Life that had less of 
 the Air of a Wedding in it ; for those that have been at 
 Weddings, use to look cheerfully and airily for a whole
 
 154 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Week after, and old Men themselves to look younger by 
 ten Years. What Wedding is it that you have been at ? I 
 believe at the Wedding of Death and the Cobler. 
 
 Ga. Not so, but of a young Gentleman with a Lady of 
 Sixteen, who has all the Accomplishments that you can wish 
 for, whether Beauty, good Humour, Family, or Fortune ; in 
 short, a Wife fit far Jupiter himself. 
 
 Pet. Phoo ! what, so young a Girl to such an old Fellow 
 as he ? 
 
 Ga. Kings don't grow old. 
 
 Pet. But what makes you look so melancholy then ? It 
 may be you envy the Happiness of the Bridegroom, who 
 has rival'd you. 
 
 Ga. Pshaw, there's nothing of that in the Matter. 
 
 Pet. Well then, has any Thing happen'd like what is re- 
 lated of the Lapit/tae's Feast ? 
 
 Ga. No, not so neither. 
 
 Pet. What then, had you not Wine enough ? 
 
 Ga. Yes, and too much too. 
 
 Pet. Had you no Pipers ? 
 
 Ga. Yes, and Fiddlers too, and Harpers, and Trumpeters, 
 and Bagpipers. 
 
 Pet. What was the Matter then ? Was not Hymen at the 
 Wedding ? 
 
 Ga. They call'd loudly for him with all this Musick, but 
 to no Purpose. 
 
 Pet. Were not the Graces there neither ? 
 
 Ga. Not a Soul of them, nor Bridemaid Juno, nor beauti- 
 ful Venus, nor Jupiter Gamelius. 
 
 Pet. By my Troth, you tell me a Story of a dull Wed- 
 ing indeed, an ungodly one, or rather an unmarried Marriage. 
 
 Ga. You would have said so indeed, if you had seen it. 
 
 Pet. Had you no Dancing at it ? 
 
 Ga. No, but we had wretched Limping. 
 
 Pet. What, had you no lucky Godship at all to exhilarate 
 the Wedding. 
 
 Ga. No, not one there but a Goddess, that the Greeks call 
 Psora.
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 155 
 
 Pet. Why, you give me an Account of a scabby Wedding 
 indeed. 
 
 Ga. Nay, a cankered, and a pockey one. 
 
 Pet. But, prithee, Friend Gabriel, tell me, What makes the 
 Remembrance of it fetch Tears from your Eyes ? 
 
 Ga. Ah ! dear Petronius, it is enough to fetch Tears from 
 a Flint-Stone. 
 
 Pet. I believe so, if a Flint-Stone had been present, and 
 seen it. But prithee, What extraordinary Mischief is this ? 
 Don't hide it from me, nor keep my Expectation any longer 
 in Suspense. 
 
 Ga. Do you know Lampridius Eubulus ? 
 
 Pet. Yes ; there is not a better nor happier Man in the 
 City. 
 
 Ga. Well, and do you know his Daughter Iphigenia too ? 
 
 Pet. You have mention'd the very Flower of the Age. 
 
 Ga. She is so ; but, do you know who she's married to ? 
 
 Pet. I shall know when you have told me. 
 
 Ga. She is married to Pompilius Blennus. 
 
 Pet. What, to that Hector, that us'd to talk Folks to 
 Death in cracking of his bullying Tricks ? 
 
 Ga. To the very Man. 
 
 Pet. He has been for a long Time very noted in this 
 Town, for two Things chiefly, i. e. Lying, and the Mange, 
 which has no proper Name to it, tho' indeed it has a great 
 many. 
 
 Ga. A very proud Distemper, that won't strike Sail to the 
 Leprosy, the Elephantine Leprosy, Tetters, the Gout, or 
 Ringworm/if there was to be an Engagement between them. 
 
 Pet. So the Sons of Esculapius tell us. 
 
 Ga. What Need is there, Petronius, for me to describe to 
 you a Damsel that you are very well acquainted with? altho' 
 her Dress was a great Addition to her native Beauty. My 
 Pctronius, you would have taken her for a Goddess, had you 
 seen her. Every Thing in her and about her was graceful. 
 In the mean Time out comes our blessed Bridegroom with 
 his Snub-Nose, dragging one Leg after him, but not so
 
 156 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 cleverly neither as the Switzers do ; itchy Hands, a stinking 
 Breath, heavy Eyes, his Head bound up with a Forehead- 
 Piece, and a Running at his Nose and Ears. Other People 
 wear their Rings on their Fingers, but he wears his on his 
 Thighs. 
 
 Pet. What was in the Mind of the Lady's Parents, to join 
 such a Daughter to a living Mummy ? 
 
 Ga. I can't tell, except it was with them, as it is with 
 many more, that have lost their Senses. 
 
 Pet. It may be he was very rich. 
 
 Ga. He is very rich indeed, but it is in the Debts he owes. 
 
 Pet. What greater Punishment could they have inflicted 
 upon the Maid, if she had poison'd her Grandfathers and 
 Grandmothers, both of the Father's and Mother's Side ? 
 
 Ga. Nay, if she had scatter'd her Water upon the Grave 
 of her Parents, it would have been a Punishment bad enough 
 to have oblig'd her but to have given a Kiss to such a 
 Monster. 
 
 Pet. I am of your Mind. 
 
 Ga. I look upon it a greater Piece of Cruelty, than if they 
 had stripp'd their Daughter naked, and expos'd her to Bears, 
 Lions, or Crocodiles : For these wild Beasts would either 
 have spar'd her for her exquisite Beauty, or put her out of 
 her Pain by a quick Dispatch. 
 
 Pet. You say right : I think this is what would have be- 
 come Mezentius himself, who, as Virgil tells us, bound dead 
 Bodies to living ones, Hands to Hands, and Mouths to 
 Mouths. But I don't believe Mezentius himself would have 
 been so inhuman as to have bound such a lovely Maid to 
 such a Carcass as this : Nor is there any dead Body you 
 would not chuse to be bound to, rather than to such a stink- 
 ing one ; for his Breath is rank Poison, what he speaks is 
 Pestilence, and what he touches mortifies. 
 
 Ga. Now, Petronius, imagine with yourself what a Deal 
 of Pleasure she must needs take in these Kisses, Embraces, 
 and nocturnal Dalliances. 
 
 Pet. I have sometimes heard Parsons talk of unequal
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 1 5 7 
 
 Matches ; that may certainly with the greatest Propriety be 
 call'd an unequal Match ; which is, as it were, setting a 
 Jewel in Lead. But all this While I stand in Admiration 
 at the Virgin's Courage ; for such young Damsels are 
 frighted out of their Wits at the Sight of a Fairy or a Hob- 
 goblin ; and can this Damsel dare to embrace such a Car- 
 cass as this in the Night-Time ? 
 
 Ga. The Damsel has these three Things to plead in her 
 Excuse ; The Authority of her Parents, the Persuasion of 
 her Friends, and the Unexperiencedness of her Age. But 
 I am amaz'd at the Madness of her Parents. Who is there 
 that has a Daughter never so homely, that would marry her 
 to a Leper ? 
 
 Pet. No Body, in my Opinion, that had a Grain of Sense. 
 If I had a Daughter that had but one Eye, and but one Leg, 
 and as deform 'd as Thersites was, that Homer speaks of, and 
 I could not give her a Penny for her Portion, I would not 
 marry her to such a Son-in-Law as he. 
 
 Ga. This Pox is more infectious and destructive than the 
 worst of Leprosies : It invades on a sudden, goes off, and 
 rallies again, and frequently kills at last ; while the Leprosy 
 will sometimes let a Man live, even to extreme old Age. 
 
 Pet. Perhaps the Parents were ignorant of the Bride- 
 groom's Distemper. 
 
 Ga. No, they knew it very well. 
 
 Pet. If they had such a Hatred to their Daughter, why 
 did they not sew her up in a Sack, and throw her into the 
 Thames ? 
 
 Ga. Why truly if they had, the Madness would not have 
 been so great. 
 
 Pet. By what Accomplishments did the Bridegroom re- 
 commend himself to them ? Was he excellent in any Art ? 
 
 Ga. Yes, in a great many ; he's a great Gamester, he'll drink 
 down any Body, a vile Whoremaster, the greatest Artist in 
 the World at bantering and lying, a notable Cheat, pays no 
 Body, revels prodigally ; and in short, whereas there are but 
 seven liberal Sciences taught in the Schools, he's Master of 
 more than ten liberal ones.
 
 158 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Pet. Sure he must have something very extraordinary to 
 recommend him to the Parents. 
 
 Ga. Nothing at all, but the glorious Title of a Knight. 
 
 Pet. A fine Sort of a Knight, that can scarce sit in a Sad- 
 dle for the Pox ! But it may be he had a great Estate. 
 
 Ga. He had once an indifferent one ; but by his living so 
 fast, has little or nothing left, but one little Turret, from 
 whence he makes Incursions to rob Passengers ; and that's 
 so illy provided for Entertainment, that you would not accept 
 of it for a Hog-Stye. And he's always bragging of his Castles, 
 and Fiefs, and other great Things ; and is for setting up his 
 Coat of Arms every where. 
 
 Pet. What Coat of Arms does his Shield bear ? 
 
 Ga. Three Golden Elephants in a Field Gules. 
 
 Pet. Indeed an Elephant is a good Bearing for one that 
 is sick of the Elephantiasis. He must, without Doubt, be a 
 Man of Blood. 
 
 Ga. Rather a Man of Wine ; for he is a great Admirer of 
 Red Wine, and by this Means he is a Man of Blood for you. 
 
 Pet. Well then, his Elephant's Trunk will be serviceable 
 to him. 
 
 Ga. It will so. 
 
 Pet. Then this Coat of Arms is a Token that he is a great 
 Knave, a Fool, and a Drunken Sot ; and the Field of his 
 Coat of Armour represents Wine, and not Blood ; and the 
 Golden Elephant denotes, that what Gold he had, has been 
 spent in Wine. 
 
 Ga. Very right. 
 
 Pet. Well, what Jointure does this Bully settle upon his 
 Bride ? 
 
 Ga. What ? Why a very great one. 
 
 Pet. How can a Bankrupt settle a large one ? 
 
 Ga. Pray don't take me up so short ; I say again, a very 
 large one, a thundering Pox. 
 
 Pet. Hang me, if I would not sooner marry my Daughter 
 to a Horse, than to such a Knight as he. 
 
 Ga. I should abundantly rather chuse to marry my Daugh-
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 1 59 
 
 ter to a Monk ; for this is not marrying to a Man, but to the 
 Carcase of a Man. Now, tell me, had you been present 
 where this Spectacle was to be seen, could you refrain from 
 Tears ? 
 
 Pet. How should I, when I can't hear it without ? Were 
 the Parents so abandon'd to all natural Affection, as to throw 
 away their only Child, a Virgin of such Beauty, Accomplish- 
 ments, and sweet Conditions, by selling her for a Slave to 
 such a Monster, for a lying Coat of Arms ? 
 
 Ga. But this enormous Crime, than which you can't find 
 one more inhuman, cruel, or unlike a Parent, is made but a 
 Jest on now-a-Days by our People of Quality : altho' it is 
 necessary that those that are born for the Administration of 
 the Affairs of the Government, should be Persons of very 
 sound and strong Constitutions : For the Constitution of the 
 Body has a great Influence upon the Mind ; and it is not to 
 be doubted, but this Disease exhausts all the Brains a Man 
 has : and by this Means it comes to pass, that our Ministers 
 of State have neither sound Minds, nor sound Bodies. 
 
 Pet. It is not only requisite that our Ministers of State 
 should be Men of sound Judgment, and strong Constitutions 
 but Men of Honour, and goodly Personages. Altho' the 
 principal Qualifications of Princes are Wisdom and Integrity, 
 yet it is of some considerable Moment what the Form of 
 his Person is that governs others : for if he be cruel, the 
 Deformity of his Body will expose him the more to Envy. 
 If he be a Prince of Probity and Piety, his Virtue will be 
 render'd more conspicuous by the Amiableness of his Person. 
 
 Ga. That's very true. 
 
 Pet. Don't People use to lament the Misfortune of those 
 Women, whose Husbands, soon after their Marriage, fall 
 into Leprosies or Apoplexies ? 
 
 Ga. Yes, and that with very good Reason too. 
 
 Pet. What Madness is it then, voluntarily to deliver a 
 Daughter over into the Hands of a Leper ? 
 
 Ga. Nay, it is worse than Madness. If a Nobleman has 
 a Mind to have a good Pack of Hounds, do you think he 
 would bring a mangy scoundrel Cur to a well-bred Bitch ?
 
 160 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Pet. No, he would with the utmost Diligence look for a 
 Dog, that upon all Accounts was of a good Breed, to line her, 
 that he might not have a Litter of Mongrels. 
 
 Ga. And if a Lord had a Mind to have a good Breed of 
 Horses, would he admit a diseased good-for-nothing Stallion 
 to leap a most excellent Mare ? 
 
 Pet. No, he would not suffer a diseased Stallion to enter 
 his Stable Door, lest he should infect other Horses. 
 
 Ga. And yet, at the same Time, they don't matter what 
 Sort of a Son-in-Law they gave their Daughter to, from 
 whom those Children are to be produc'd, that are not only 
 to inherit their Estates, but also to govern the State. 
 
 Pet. Nay, a Country Farmer won't suffer any Bull to leap 
 a young Cow, nor every Horse his Mare, nor every Boar to 
 brim his Sow ; tho' a Bullock is design'd for the Plough, a 
 Horse for the Cart, and a Swine for the Kitchen. 
 
 Ga. See now how perverse the Judgments of Mankind 
 are. If a poor Fellow should presume to kiss a Noble- 
 man's Daughter, they would think the Affront a Founda- 
 tion enough to go to War upon. 
 
 Pet. And very hotly too. 
 
 Ga. And yet these Persons, voluntarily, knowingly, and 
 deliberately, give up the dearest Thing they have in the 
 World to such an abominable Monster, and are privately 
 unnatural to their own Flesh and Blood, and publickly to 
 their Country. 
 
 Pet. If the Bridegroom does but halt a little, altho' as to 
 any Thing else he is perfectly sound, how is he despis'd 
 for a Husband ! And is the Pox the only Thing that is 
 no Inconvenience in a married Life ? 
 
 Ga. If any Man should marry his Daughter to a Francis- 
 can, what an abominable Thing would it be accounted ! 
 what an Outcry would there be, that he had thrown his 
 Daughter away ! But yet, when he has pull'd off that Dress, 
 he has every Way well-made sound Limbs ; while the other 
 must pass her Days with a rotten Carcase, that is but half 
 alive. If any one is married to a Priest, he is banter'd on
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 161 
 
 account of his Unction ; but one that is married to one that 
 has the Pox, has one whose Unctions are worse by Abun- 
 dance. 
 
 Pet. Enemies that have taken a Maid captive, won't be 
 guilty of such Barbarity as this ; nor will Kidnappers them- 
 selves, to those they have kidnapp'd away ; and yet Parents 
 will be guilty of it against their only Daughter ; and there's 
 no Magistrate ordain'd to prevent the Mischief. 
 
 Ga. How should a Physician cure a Madman, if he has a 
 Spice of the same Distemper himself ? 
 
 Pet. But it is a Wonder to me, that Princes, whose Busi- 
 ness it is to take Care of the Common-Wealth only in those 
 Things which relate to the Body, of which nothing is of 
 greater Moment than the Health of it, should find out no 
 Remedy for this Evil. This egregious Pestilence has in- 
 fected great Part of the Earth ; and in the mean Time they 
 lie snoring on, and never mind it, as if it were a Matter not 
 worth their Notice. 
 
 Ga. Have a Care, Petronius, what you say as to Princes. 
 But hark you, I'll tell you a Word in your Ear. 
 
 Pet. O wretched ! I wish what you say were not true. 
 
 Ga. How many Diseases do you think are caused by bad 
 Wine, a thousand Ways sophisticated ? 
 
 Pet. Why, if we may believe the Physicians, they are in- 
 numerable. 
 
 Ga. Well, and do the Ministers of State take any Care 
 of the Matter ? 
 
 Pet. They take Care enough as to the collecting the Ex- 
 cise, but no further. 
 
 Ga. She that knowingly marries a Husband that is not 
 sound, perhaps may deserve to suffer the Punishment she 
 has brought upon herself; altho', if it were my Fortune to 
 sit at the Helm, I would banish them both from civil So- 
 ciety : But if any one married one that was infected with 
 this Disease, who told her he was a sound Man, and I were 
 chosen Pope, I would make this Marriage void, altho' it had 
 been confirm'd by a thousand Contracts. 
 
 VOL. II. L
 
 1 62 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Pet. Upon what Pretence I wonder ? For Marriage legally 
 contracted can't be disannull'd by any human Power. 
 
 Ga. What ? Do you think that legally contracted, which 
 is contracted treacherously ? A Contract is not valid, if a 
 Slave palms himself upon a Maid for a free Man, and she 
 marries him as such. She that marries such a Slave, marries 
 an errant Slave ; and her Slavery is so much the more un- 
 happy, in that the Lady Psora never makes any Body free ; 
 that there's no comfortable Hope of ever being deliver'd from 
 this Slavery. 
 
 Pet. Indeed you have found out a Colour for it. 
 
 Ga. And besides, there can be no such Thing as Marriage, 
 but between those Persons that are living ; but in this Case, 
 a Woman is married to a dead Man. 
 
 Pet. You have found out another Pretence : But I suppose 
 you would permit pocky Folks to marry pocky, that, accord- 
 ing to the old Proverb, there might be like to like. 
 
 Ga. If it was lawful for me to act for the Good of the 
 Publick, I would suffer them to be married together, but I 
 would burn them after they were married. 
 
 Pet. Then you would act the Part of a Tyrant, not of a 
 Prince. 
 
 Ga. Do you account a Surgeon to be a Tyrant who cuts 
 off some of the Fingers, or burns some Part to preserve the 
 whole Body ? I don't look upon that to be Cruelty, but 
 rather Mercy. And I wish this had been done when this 
 Distemper first appear'd in the World ; then the publick 
 Welfare of Mankind had been consulted by the Destruction 
 of a few. And we find Examples of this in the French 
 Histories. 
 
 Pet. But it would be a gentler Way to geld them, or part 
 them asunder. 
 
 Ga. And what would you have done to the Women, pray? 
 
 Pet. I'd padlock them up. 
 
 Ga. That's one Way, indeed, to prevent us from having 
 more of the Breed ; but I will confess it is a gentler Way, 
 if you will but own the other to be safer. Even those that
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 1 63 
 
 are castrated, have an itching Desire upon them ; nor is the 
 Infection convey'd by one Way only, but by a Kiss, by 
 Discourse, by a Touch, or by drinking with an infected 
 Party. And we find also, that there is a certain malicious 
 Disposition of doing Mischief peculiar to this Distemper, 
 that whosoever has it, takes a Delight to propagate it to as 
 many as he can, tho' it does him no good. Now if they be 
 only separated, they may flee to other Places, and may either 
 by Night impose upon Persons, or on them that do not know 
 them. But there can be no Danger from the Dead. 
 
 Pet. I confess it is the safest Way, but I can't tell whether 
 it is agreeable to Christian Gentleness, or no. 
 
 Ga. Prithee tell me then, from whom is there the most 
 Danger, from common Thieves, or from such Cattle ? 
 Pet. I confess Money is of much less Value than Health. 
 Ga. And yet we Christians hang them, nor is it accounted 
 Cruelty, but Justice ; and if you consider the publick Good, 
 it is our Duty so to do. 
 
 Pet. But in this Case, the Person is punish'd that did the 
 Injury. 
 
 Ga. What, then these, I warrant you, are Benefactors to 
 the Publick ? But let us suppose that some get this Distem- 
 per without any Fault of their own ; tho' you will find that 
 very few have it, that don't get it by their own Wickedness : 
 the Lawyers will tell you, it is sometimes lawful to put the 
 Innocent to Death, if it be very much for the Good of the 
 Publick ; as the Greeks, after the taking of Troy, put As- 
 tyanax, the Son of Hector, to Death, lest he should set a new 
 War on Foot : Nor do they think it any Wickedness, to put 
 a Tyrant's innocent Children to Death, after they have slain 
 the Father. And do not we Christians go to War, tho' at the 
 same Time the greatest Share of the Calamities falls on 
 those Persons, that least deserve them ? And it is the 
 same Thing in our Reprisals, or Letters of Mark ; he who 
 did the Wrong is safe, and the Merchant is robb'd, who 
 never so much as heard one Word of it, he is so far from 
 being chargeable with the Fault. Now if we make Use of
 
 1 64 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 such Remedies as these in Things of no great Moment, what, 
 think you, ought to be done in a Matter of the greatest Con- 
 
 sequence 
 
 Pet. I am overcome by the Truth of your Arguments. 
 
 Ga. Then take this along with you too. As soon as ever 
 the Plague begins to appear in Italy, the infected Houses are 
 shut up, and the Nurses that look after the Sick, are for- 
 bidden to appear abroad. And tho' some call this In- 
 humanity, it is the greatest Humanity ; for by this prudent 
 Care, the Calamity is put a Stop to, by the Burials of a few 
 Persons. But how great Humanity is it to take Careto pre- 
 serve the Lives of so many thousands ? Some think it a 
 very inhospitable Thing, for the Italians, when there is but 
 the bare Report of a Pestilence, to drive Travellers from 
 their very Gates in an Evening, and force them to lie all 
 Night in the open Air. But for my Part, I account it an 
 Act of Piety to take Care of the publick Good at the Incon- 
 venience of a few. Some Persons look upon themselves 
 very couragious and complaisant, in daring to venture to visit 
 one that is sick of the Plague, having no Manner of Call at 
 all to do it ; but what greater Folly can there be, than by 
 this Courage, when they come Home, to bring the Distem- 
 per to their Wives and Children, and all their Family ? 
 What can be more unkind, than by this Complaisance to a 
 Friend, to bring those Persons that are the dearest to you 
 in the World, into the Danger of their Lives ? But then 
 again, how less dangerous is the Plague itself than the Pox ? 
 the Plague frequently passes by those that are nearest, and 
 seldom affects the old ; and as to those that it does affect, 
 it either dispatches them quickly, or restores them to their 
 Health much sounder than they were before. But as for 
 the Pox, what is that but a lingring Death ; or, to speak 
 more properly, Burial ? 
 
 Pet. What you say is very true ; and at least, the same 
 Care ought to be taken to prevent so fatal an Evil, as they 
 take to prevent the spreading of the Leprosy ; or if this 
 should be thought too much, no Body should let another 
 shave him, but be his own Barber.
 
 The Unequal Marriage. 165 
 
 Ga. But what will you say, if both of them keep their 
 Mouths shut ? 
 
 Pet. They would take the Infection in at their Nostrils. 
 
 Ga. But there is a Remedy for that too. 
 
 Pet. What is it ? 
 
 Ga. They may do as the Alchy mists do, they may wear 
 a Mask with Glasses for Eyes to see thro', and a breathing 
 Place for their Mouths and Nostrils, thro' a Horn which 
 reaches from their Jaw-Bones down to their Back. 
 
 Pet. That Contrivance might do pretty well, if there were 
 no Danger from the Touch of the Finger, the Linen, the 
 Combs, and the Scissars. 
 
 Ga. But however, I think 'tis the best Way to let the Beard 
 grow, tho' it be even down to the Knees. 
 
 Pet. Why, I am of that Mind too. And then let there 
 be an Act of Parliament, that the same Person shan't be a 
 Barber and a Surgeon too. 
 
 Ga. But that's the Way to starve the Barbers. 
 
 Pet. Then let them spend less, and be something better 
 paid for Shaving. 
 
 Ga. Let it be so with all my Heart. 
 
 Pet. And let there be a Law made too, that no Body shall 
 drink out of the same Cup with another. 
 
 Ga. They will scarce be confin'd to that in England. 
 
 Pet. And that two shan't lie in the same Bed, unless they 
 be Husband and Wife. 
 
 Ga. I like that very well. 
 
 Pet. And then as to Inns, let no Stranger sleep in the 
 same Sheets, that another has lain in before. 
 
 Ga. But what will you do then with the Germans, who 
 scarce wash them twice a Year ? 
 
 Pet. Let them employ Washer- Women. And besides, let 
 them leave off the Custom of saluting with a Kiss, altho' it 
 be of an old standing. 
 
 Ga. But then, as to the Churches ? 
 
 Pet. Let every one hold his Hand before his Mouth. 
 
 Ga. But then as to common Conversation ?
 
 1 66 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Pet. Let that Direction of Hoiner be observed, not to 
 come too near the Person he talks to, and let he that hears 
 him keep his Lips shut 
 
 Ga. Twelve Tables would scarce contain all these Laws. 
 
 Pet. But in the mean Time, what Advice do you give for 
 the poor unfortunate Girl ? 
 
 Ga. What can I give her but this, that unless she likes 
 being miserable, she be so as little as she can ? to clap 
 her Hands before her Mouth, whenever her Husband offers 
 to kiss her ; and to put on Armour when she goes to Bed 
 with him. 
 
 Pet. Whither do you steer your Course when you go 
 Home? 
 
 Ga. Directly to my Closet 
 
 Pet. What are you going to do there ? 
 
 Ga. They have desired me to write an Epittialamium ; 
 but instead of it, I will write an Epitaph.
 
 i6 7 
 
 The IMPOSTURE. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy contains a familiar Discoitrse between 
 Livinus and Philip : where Livinus imposes upon 
 Philip, by speaking in Verse, when he supposd him 
 to speak Prose. 
 
 PHILIP and LIVINUS, 
 
 . I wish you Health, Livinus. 
 
 Liv. I will be well, if that will please you ; but do you 
 be upon your Guard, for I design to catch you, if you don't 
 watch me very narrowly. 
 
 Ph. An open Enemy is not much to be feared. But come 
 on, deceive me if you can. 
 
 Liv. I have deceiv'd you already, and you have not per- 
 ceiv'd it ; but take Care of the second Time. 
 
 Ph. I believe I have to do with a Master of Leger-de- 
 main ; I can't find you have impos'd upon me at all. 
 
 Liv. Well then, be very attentive this Time ; except you 
 have a Mind to be deceiv'd, as you have been twice already. 
 
 Ph. I am prepar'd for you ; begin. 
 
 Liv. What you bid me do, is done already. 
 
 Ph. What is acted, or what is done ? I perceive nothing 
 of Deceit. 
 
 Liv. Well, tho' I have given you Warning so many Times 
 already, however mind this Time. 
 
 Ph. This is a new Sort of Conjuration ; you tell me you 
 have impos'd upon me, and I perceive nothing of Art in 
 all this, altho' I watch very narrowly your Eyes, your Hands, 
 and your Tongue. But come, t'other Touch ; begin again.
 
 i68 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Liv. I have begun again and again, over and over so many 
 Times, and you can't see the Trap that's laid for you. 
 
 Ph. Wherein do you lay a Trap for me ? 
 
 Liv. This Tongue, I say, of mine entraps you, and you 
 neither perceive it with your Ears, nor see it with your Eyes. 
 However, now let your Eyes and Ears be both attentive. 
 
 Ph. I can't be more attentive, if my Life lay at Stake ; but 
 however, try to trick me once more. 
 
 Liv. Why, I have trick'd you again already, and you per- 
 ceive nothing of the Artifice. 
 
 Ph. You make me mad : Prithee tell me, what Kind of 
 Hocus-pocus is this ? 
 
 Liv. Why all this While I have been speaking to you in 
 Verse, and am at this Time. 
 
 Ph. I thought of nothing less than of that. 
 
 Liv. At first I answer'd you in two Trimeter Iambics ; 
 then in a Trochaic Tetrameter Catalectic ; after that in no- 
 thing but Cretics ; after that in a Phaolaecian Hendeca- 
 syllable ; then again in mere Coriambics ; then in plain 
 Anapaestes ; then again in three Sapphics ; by-and-by in a 
 Sotadic, and last of all in a Trochaic Tetrameter. 
 
 Ph. Good God ! I should have guess'd a hundred Things 
 before I should have guess'd that. If I live, I'll serve you 
 the like Trick. 
 
 Liv. Do, if you can. 
 
 Ph. I have pay'd you in your own Coin twice, and you did 
 not perceive the Trick. 
 
 Liv. What, in this short Time? 
 
 Ph. I threaten'd you in an Iambic Tetrameter Catalectic ; 
 after that I added five Cretics. 
 
 Liv. Why then I find it is according to the old Proverb, 
 Set a Thief to catch a Thief. 
 
 Ph. Very true ; but I pray this for both of us, that neither 
 of us may have a more injurious Cheat put upon us.
 
 169 
 
 CYCLOPS, or the GOSPEL- 
 CARRIER. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Cyclops, or Evangeliophorus, inveighs against them 
 who have the Gospel always in their Mouths, but 
 nothing agreeable in their Lives. It contains bitter 
 Invectives against Hypocrites, who make a Profes- 
 sion of Religion with their Tongues, but deny Religion 
 by their Conversation. The Gospel, like Wine, does 
 no Good, except it be inwardly taken. 
 
 CAN-NIUS, POLYPHEMUS. 
 
 r*AN. What is Polyphemus hunting after here ? 
 
 Poly, Do you ask what I am hunting after, when I 
 have neither Dogs nor Hunting-Pole ? 
 
 Can. Perhaps some Lady of the Wood here ? 
 
 Poly. You have guess'd shrewdly, lo here is my Hunting- 
 Net. 
 
 Can. What's this I see ? Bacchus in a Lion's Skin ? Poly- 
 pJiemus with a Book in his Hand, ya\fj icpoKwrov ; a Cat in a 
 lac'd Petticoat ? 
 
 Poly. Nay, I have not only painted my Book with Saff- 
 ron, but also with Vermilion and Azure. 
 
 Can. I did not speak of Crocus, but I spoke Greek, Cro- 
 coton. It seems to be a military Book, for it seems to be 
 armed with Bosses and Plates, and Rings of Brass. 
 
 Poly. Look into it. 
 
 Can. I see what it is, and truly it is very fine ; but not so 
 fine as it should be.
 
 1 70 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Poly. What does it want ? 
 
 Can. You ought to put your Coat of Arms upon it. 
 
 Poly. What Arms? 
 
 Can. The Head of Silenus looking out of a Hogshead. 
 But what does it treat of? the Art of Drinking ? 
 
 Poly. See what it is, that you do not speak Blasphemy 
 before you are aware. 
 
 Can. Why then, is there any Thing in it that is sacred ? 
 
 Poly. What can be more sacred than the Gospel ? 
 
 Can. Good God ! What does Polyp fomus do with the 
 Gospel ? 
 
 Poly. Why don't you ask, what a Christian has to do with 
 Christ ? 
 
 Can. I don't know but that a Halbert would become you 
 better ; for if any one should meet you at Sea in that Figure, 
 he would take you for a Pirate, or in the Wood for a High- 
 Way-Man. 
 
 Poly. But the Gospel teaches us, not to judge of Men by 
 outward Appearance ; for as a tyrannous Disposition often 
 lies hid under a monkish Habit, yet sometimes a short Head 
 of Hair, curl'd Whiskers, a stern Brow, a fierce Look, and a 
 Feather in the Cap, and a Buff-Coat and Breeches cut and 
 slash'd, cover an Evangelical Mind. 
 
 Can. And why may it not ? sometimes a Sheep lies hid 
 under a Wolfs Skin. And if we may give any Credit to 
 Emblems, an Ass lurks under the Coat of a Lion. 
 
 Poly. Nay, I have known a Man carry the Sheep in his 
 Face, and the Fox in his Heart. And I wish he had as can- 
 did Friends, as he has black Eyes ; and that he had as well 
 the Value of Gold, as the Colour of it. 
 
 Can. If he that wears a woollen Hat, must needs wear a 
 Sheep's Head, how do you go loaded, that carry a Sheep 
 and an Estrich too on your Head ? But does not he act 
 more absurdly, that carries a Bird upon his Head, and an 
 Ass in his Breast ? 
 
 Poly. You bite too close. 
 
 Can. But it were very well, if that Gospel that you have
 
 The Gospel-Carrier. 171 
 
 so finely adorn'd, did reciprocally adorn you. You have 
 adorn'd it with Colours, I wish it did adorn you with good 
 Manners. 
 
 Poly. I'll make that my Care. 
 
 Can. As you used to do. 
 
 Poly. But omitting all Reflections, do you really blame 
 those that carry the Gospel about them ? 
 
 Can. No, by no Means (minime Gentium). 
 
 Poly. What ? will you say that I am the least Man in the 
 World, that am taller than you by an Ass's Head ? 
 
 Can. I don't think you are so much taller, tho' the Ass 
 should prick up his Ears. 
 
 Poly. By an Ox's Head, I dare say. 
 
 Can. I like the Comparison ; but I said Minimi the Ad- 
 verb, not Minime the Vocative Case. 
 
 Poly. Pray what's the Difference between an Egg and an 
 Egg? 
 
 Can. And what's the Difference, say you, between the 
 middle Finger and the little Finger ? 
 
 Poly. Why, the middle Finger is the longest. 
 
 Can. Wittily said : What's the Difference between the 
 Ears of an Ass, and those of a Wolf ? 
 
 Poly. The Ears of a Wolf are shorter. 
 
 Can. You have hit it. 
 
 Poly. But I used to measure long and short Things by the 
 Span, and by the Ell, and not by the Ears. 
 
 Can. Come on. He that carried Christ, was call'd Chris- 
 topher ; and instead of Polyphemus, you, who carry the Gos- 
 pel, shall be call'd the Gospel-Bearer. 
 
 Poly. Don't you think it a holy Thing to carry the Gospel ? 
 
 Can. Not at all, unless you will allow me, that Asses are 
 the Greatest Saints. 
 
 Poly. Why so ? 
 
 Can. Becauseone Ass will carry at least three thousand such 
 Books ; and I am persuaded you would be able to carry as 
 many yourself, if you were well hamper'd. 
 
 Poly. I think there is no Absurdity in attributing Holiness 
 to an Ass, because he carry'd Christ.
 
 172 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Can, I shan't envy you that Holiness ; and if you have a 
 Mind to it, I will give you some Reliques of that very Ass 
 that Christ rode upon, to kiss. 
 
 Poly. You will give me a very acceptable Present ; for that 
 Ass was consecrated by being touch'd by the Body of Christ. 
 
 Can. And those Persons touch'd Christ too, that smote 
 our Saviour on the Face. 
 
 Poly. But come, tell me your Mind seriously ; is it not a 
 pious Thing to carry the Book of the Gospel about one ? 
 
 Can. It is a pious Thing, if it be done sincerely, and with- 
 out Hypocrisy. 
 
 Poly. Talk of Hypocrisy to Monks ; what has a Soldier to 
 do with Hypocrisy ? 
 
 Can. But first tell me what Hypocrisy is. 
 
 Poly. When a Man seems to be one Thing, and is really 
 another. 
 
 Can. But what does the carrying the Gospel about you 
 signify ? Does it not signify a holy Life ? 
 
 Poly. I suppose it does. 
 
 Can. Well then, where a Man's Life is not suitable to the 
 Book, is not that Hypocrisy ? 
 
 Poly. It seems so to be. But what is it truly to carry the 
 Gospel ? 
 
 Can. Some carry the Gospel in their Hands, as the Fran- 
 ciscans do the Rules of St. Francis ; and at that Rate the 
 Paris Porters, Asses, and Geldings may carry it as well as 
 a Christian. Some carry it about in their Mouths, and talk 
 of nothing but Christ and the Gospel : This is Pharisaical. 
 Others carry it about in their Hearts. He is the true Gospel- 
 Bearer, that carries it in his Hands, in his Mouth, and in his 
 Heart. 
 
 Poly. But where are these ? 
 
 Can. The Deacons in the Churches, who both carry the 
 Gospel, read it to the People, and have it in their Hearts. 
 
 Poly. But for all that, they are not all holy, who carry the 
 Gospel, in their Hearts. 
 
 Can. Don't play the Sophister with me. A Man does not
 
 The Gospel-Carrier. 173 
 
 carry it in his Heart, that does not love it with all his Soul ; 
 and nobody loves it as he ought, that does not conform to 
 it in his Life. 
 
 Poly. These Subtleties I don't understand. 
 
 Can. I'll be plainer then. If you were to carry a Flaggon 
 of Wine upon your Shoulders, what is it but a Burden ? 
 
 Poly. Nothing. 
 
 Can. If you hold it in your Mouth and spurt it out ? 
 
 Poly. I should be never the better for it ; tho' I don't 
 often use to do so. 
 
 Can. But suppose you take a hearty Draught, as your 
 Way is ? 
 
 Poly. There is nothing more Divine. 
 
 Can. It warms the whole Body, brings the Blood into the 
 Cheeks, and makes a Man look with a merry Countenance. 
 
 Poly. Most certainly. 
 
 Can. So it is with the Gospel ; being receiv'd into the 
 Veins of the Soul, it renews the whole Habit of the Man. 
 
 Poly. It may be you think then, that I don't lead my 
 Life according to my Book. 
 
 Can. No Body can tell that better than yourself. 
 
 Poly. If it, indeed, were to be resolved after the military 
 Manner. 
 
 Can. Suppose a Man should give you the Lye to your 
 Face, or call you Blockhead, what would you do ? 
 
 Poly. What would I do ? I'd give him a Box on the Ear : 
 I'd make him feel the Weight of my Fingers. 
 
 Can. What if he should give you a Box o'th' Ear ? 
 
 Poly. Why then I'd cut his Throat for it. 
 
 Can. But your Book teaches you another Lesson, and 
 bids you return good (Words) for evil, and if any one strikes 
 you on the right Cheek, to turn to him the left also. 
 
 Poly. I have read so, but I had forgot it. 
 
 Can. You pray often, I suppose. 
 
 Poly. That's Pharisaical. 
 
 Can. Long Prayers are indeed Pharisaical, if they be ac- 
 companied with Ostentation. But your Book teaches, that 
 you should pray always, but with your Mind.
 
 174 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Poly. Well, but for all that I do pray sometimes. 
 
 Can. When ? 
 
 Poly. Sometimes, when I think on't : It may be once or 
 twice a Week. 
 
 Can. And what is your Prayer ? 
 
 Poly. Why, the Lord's Prayer. 
 
 Can. And how often do you say it over ? 
 
 Poly. But once : For the Gospel forbids vain Repetitions. 
 
 Can. Can you go thro' the Lord's Prayer without think- 
 ing of any Thing else ? 
 
 Poly. I never try'd that. Is it not enough that I pro- 
 nounce ? 
 
 Can. I can't tell that God takes Notice of any Thing in 
 Prayer but the Voice of the Heart. Do you fast often ? 
 
 Poly. No, never. 
 
 Can. But your Book recommends Prayer and Fasting 
 both. 
 
 Poly. I should approve of it too, but my Stomach will 
 not bear it. 
 
 Can. But St. Paul says, that lie is no Servant of Christ 
 that serves his Belly. Do you eat Flesh every Day ? 
 
 Poly. Yes, when I can get it. 
 
 Can. And you are of a robust Constitution, that would 
 live upon Hay (like a Horse) or the Barks of Trees. 
 
 Poly. But Christ says, tliat those Things that go into a Man 
 do not defile him. 
 
 Can. Nor do they, if they be taken moderately, and with- 
 out giving Scandal. But St. Paul, who was a Disciple of 
 Christ, would rather starve with Hunger, than offend a 
 weak Brother by his eating ; and he exhorts us to follow 
 his Example, and that we become all Things to all Men. 
 
 Poly. But Paul is Paul, and Polyphemus is Polypliemus. 
 
 Can. But it is ^Egorfs Office to feed she-Goats. 
 
 Poly. But I had rather eat myself. 
 
 Can. That's a pleasant Wish ; you'll sooner be a he- 
 Goat than a she one. 
 
 Poly. But I used esse for edere.
 
 The Gospel-Carrier. 175 
 
 Can. Neatly spoken. Do you give liberally to the Poor ? 
 
 Poly. I have nothing to give. 
 
 Can. But you would have something to give, if you lived 
 soberly, and took Pains. 
 
 Poly. But it is a pleasant Thing to live at Ease. 
 
 Can. Do you keep the Commandments ? 
 
 Poly. That's a hard Task indeed. 
 
 Can. Do you repent of your Sins ? 
 
 Poly. Christ has made Satisfaction for us already. 
 
 Can. How is it then that you make it out, that you love 
 the Gospel ? 
 
 Poly. I'll tell you ; there was a certain Franciscan with 
 us, who was perpetually thundering out of the Pulpit against 
 Erasmus's New Testament ; I caught the Fellow once by 
 himself, and took him hold by the Hair with my left Hand, 
 and nubbled him so well-favouredly with my right, that you 
 could see no Eyes he had for the Swellings. What do you 
 say now ? Was not this done like a Man that loves the Gos- 
 pel ? And after all this, I gave him Absolution with this very 
 Book, knocking him over his Coxcomb three Times, made 
 three Bunches upon his Crown, in the Name of the Father, 
 Son, and Holy Spirit, and so absolv'd him in Form. 
 
 Can. This was evangelically done, without Question : This 
 is indeed a defending one Gospel with another. 
 
 Poly. I chanc'd to light upon another, a Brother of his, of 
 the same Order, who was still railing against Erasmus with- 
 out either End or Measure. My Gospel-Zeal mov'd me once 
 again, and I threatned him so severely, that I brought him 
 to beg Pardon on his Knees, and confess, that what he said 
 was by the Instigation of the Devil. I stood over him with 
 my Partizan in my Hand, looking upon him like the Picture 
 of Mars in a Battle, ready to have cut off his Head if he had 
 not done it readily ; and this was done in the Presence of a 
 great many Witnesses. 
 
 Can. I wonder the Man was not frighted out of his Wits. 
 But to proceed ; do you live chastly ? 
 
 Poly. It may be I shall when I come to be old. But 
 shall I tell you the Truth, Cannius ?
 
 1 76 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Can. I am no Priest, and if you have a Mind to confess 
 yourself, you must seek somebody else. 
 
 Poly. I use to confess to God, but for once I'll do it to 
 you : I am as yet no perfect, but a very ordinary, Christian. 
 We have four Gospels, and we military Gospellers propound 
 to ourselves chiefly these four Things : ist, to take Care of 
 our Bellies. 2ndly, That nothing be wanting below. Srdly, 
 To have wherewith to live on. And lastly, To do what we 
 list. And when we have gain'd these four Points, we drink 
 and sing as if the Town was our own, Let the Gospel live, and 
 Christ reign. 
 
 Can. This is the Life of an Epicure, not of a Christian. 
 
 Poly. I can't deny that. But you know Christ is omni- 
 potent, and can make us other Men in an Instant, if he 
 pleases. 
 
 Can. Yea, and he may make you Swine too, and that 
 seems to be an easier Change than into good Men. 
 
 Poly. I wish there were no worse Things in the World, 
 than Swine, Oxen, Asses and Camels. You may find a 
 great many People that are fiercer than Lions, more ra- 
 venous than Wolves, more lustful than Sparrows ; who will 
 bite worse than Dogs, and sting worse than Vipers. 
 
 Can. But it is now high Time for you to turn from a Brute 
 to a Man. 
 
 Poly. You say well, for I find in the Prophecies of these 
 Times, that the World is near at an End. 
 
 Can. There is so much the more Reason for you to make 
 Haste to repent 
 
 Poly. I hope Christ will give me his helping Hand. 
 
 Can. But do you see that you render yourself fit Matter 
 to work upon. But from whence do they gather, that the 
 World is so near an End ? 
 
 Poly. Because, they say, People are now doing just as 
 they did before the Flood ; they are eating and drinking, 
 marrying and giving in Marriage ; they whore, they buy, 
 they sell, they pawn and lend upon Usury, and build ; Kings 
 make War, and Priests study to encrease their Revenues ;
 
 The Gospel-Carrier. 177 
 
 School-Men make Syllogisms, Monks run up and down the 
 World ; the Rabble makes Mobs, and Erasmus writes Col- 
 loquies; and, in fine, no Miseries are wanting, Hunger, Thirst, 
 Robberies, Hostilities, Plagues, Seditions ; and there is a 
 great Scarcity of all that is good : and do not all these 
 Things argue that the World is near an End ? 
 
 Can. But of all this Mass of Mischiefs, which of them is 
 it that troubles you most ? 
 
 Poly, Guess. 
 
 Can. That Spiders perhaps make Cobwebs in your empty 
 Pockets. 
 
 Poly. As I hope to live, you have hit it. I am just now 
 come from drinking hard ; but some other Time, when I 
 am sober, if you will, we'll have another Touch at the 
 Gospel. 
 
 Can. And when shall I see you sober ? 
 
 Poly. When I am so. 
 
 Can. And when will you be so ? 
 
 Poly. When you see me so. And, my dear Cannikin, in 
 the mean Time, all Happiness attend you. 
 
 Can. And, by Way of Requital, I wish you may be what 
 you are call'd. 
 
 Poly. And, that you may not outdo me in Courtesy, I wish 
 the Can, from whence you have borrowed your Name, may 
 never fail Cannius. 
 
 VOL. II. M
 
 7 8 
 
 ATIPOZAIONTZA. 
 
 The IMPERTINENTS, or CROSS- 
 PURPOSES. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy, call'd 'ATrpoo-Siowcra, or Absurda, con- 
 tains a confused Discourse, where nothing is answered 
 to the Purpose, but is mere Nonsense : For one en- 
 quires about a Wedding, and the other answers about 
 a dangerous Voyage. 
 
 ANNIUS and LUCIUS. 
 
 A N. I was told that you were at Pancratius's, and Albina's 
 Wedding. 
 
 Lu. I never had a more unhappy Voyage in my Life, 
 than at this Time. 
 
 An. What say you ? Was there such a Power of Com- 
 pany then ? 
 
 Lu. I never would have taken less for my Life, than at 
 that Time. 
 
 An. See what it is to be rich ; now I had but a few at my 
 Wedding, and they were poor Folks too. 
 
 Lu. We were scarce put to Sea, but a great Storm arose. 
 
 An. Why, you're talking of an Assembly of the Deities ; 
 were there so many Noblemen and Ladies there ? 
 
 Lu. Boreas tore the Sail in Pieces, and blew it quite away. 
 
 An. I know the Bride, she's a perfect Beauty. 
 
 Lu. Presently a Wave comes and tears off the Rudder. 
 
 An. It is everybody's Opinion. And her Bridegroom does 
 not come much short of her in Beauty, according to common 
 Report.
 
 Cross Purposes. i 79 
 
 Lu. What do you think we thought of the Matter ? 
 
 An. It is very rare now-a-Days for any to be Maids when 
 they are married. 
 
 Lu. We were obliged to fall back again. 
 
 An. You talk of an incredible Portion. 
 
 Lu. Presently we had another Misfortune befel us. 
 
 An. Why did they venture such a tender Girl to such a 
 boisterous Fellow ? 
 
 Lu. We espied a Pirate Ship. 
 
 An. In Truth, it is so in many Cases; Naughtiness makes 
 Amends for Want of Age. 
 
 Lu. There we had a double Engagement, one with the 
 Sea, and another with the Pirates. 
 
 An. What, so many Services ? and in the mean Time no 
 Body gives a Farthing to the Poor. 
 
 Lu. What ! should we have struck Sail ? Nay, Despair 
 made us fight desperately. 
 
 An. I am afraid it will be but a barren Match, if what you 
 say be true. 
 
 Lu. Nay, we threw our grappling Irons. 
 
 An. This is a Novelty indeed ! What, with Child before 
 Marriage ? 
 
 Lu. Had you but seen the Conflict, you would have sworn, 
 that I fought like an Hero. 
 
 An. Well, I find the Marriage was not only made, but 
 consummated too. 
 
 Lu. We jump'd aboard the Pirate Ship. 
 
 An. But I admire that they invited you who are a Stran- 
 ger, and did not invite me who am related to the Bride's 
 Father in the third Degree of Consanguinity. 
 
 Lu. We threw them all over-Board into the Sea. 
 
 An. You say right : The afflicted have no Friends. 
 
 Lu. We shared all the Booty among us. 
 
 An. I'll rally the Bride for it the first Opportunity I have. 
 
 Lu. It presently grew very calm ; you would have said it 
 had been the Halcyon Days. 
 
 An. If she has Money, I have a stomachful Spirit : I don't 
 care a Fig for her Kindness.
 
 180 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lu. And so we brought two Ships Home instead of one. 
 
 An. Let him be angry that will. 
 
 Lu. Where am I going, do you ask ? Why to Church, to 
 make an Offering of Part of the Sail to St Nicholas. 
 
 An. I an't at Leisure to Day, I expect some Friends to 
 dine with me ; at another Time I won't refuse.
 
 The FALSE KNIGHT: Or, in RETS 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 avtTnros, or counterfeit Nobility, exposes the 
 Vices of those Persons who think they may do any 
 Thing under the Mask of Nobility, althd they are 
 not remarkable for either noble Birth or Virtue : 
 But Knaves, tJiat have a good Stock of Impudence, 
 arrogate to themselves tJtat Honour that they dont 
 deserve, unless Honour is due to the most flagitious 
 Crimes. 
 
 HARPALUS and NESTOR. 
 
 . Can you help me out now with your Advice ? If 
 you can, you shall find I am neither forgetful nor un- 
 grateful. 
 
 Nes. I'll bring it about that you shall be what you 
 would be. 
 
 Har. But it is not in our own Power to be born Noble- 
 Men. 
 
 Nes. If you are not a Noble-Man, strive by virtuous Ac- 
 tions, that your Nobility may derive its Original from your- 
 self. 
 
 Har. That's a long Way about. 
 
 Nes. Then the King will sell it you for a small Matter. 
 
 Har. But Nobility that is purchased with Money, is ridi- 
 culed by the Vulgar. 
 
 Nes. If Nobility that is bought be so ridiculous a Thing, 
 why are you so fond of being a Knight ?
 
 1 82 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Har. There are Reasons for that, and no slight ones 
 neither, which I shall freely tell you, if you'll but put me in 
 the Way of making myself honourable in the Opinion of 
 the Vulgar. 
 
 Nes. What signifies the Name without the Thing ? 
 
 Har, But as I han't the Substance, I would have the 
 Reputation of it. But, my Nestor, give me your Advice, 
 and when you hear my Reasons you will say it is worth my 
 While. 
 
 Nes. Well, since you will have it, I'll tell you : In the 
 first Place, remove yourself to a Place where you are not 
 known. 
 
 Har. Right. 
 
 Nes. Then work yourself into the Acquaintance of young 
 Men of Quality. 
 
 Har. I take you in. 
 
 Nes. First of all, by this Means, People will be apt to 
 judge of you by the Company you keep. 
 
 Har. They will so. 
 
 Nes. But then you must be sure to have nothing about 
 you that is vulgar. 
 
 Har. As to what, do you mean ? 
 
 Nes. I speak of your Cloaths, that they be not made of 
 AVool, but Silk ; but if you cannot go to the Price of Silk, 
 rather Fustian or Canvass, than Cloth. 
 
 Har. You're in the right. 
 
 Nes. And take Care not to wear any Thing that's whole ; 
 but cut your Hat and your Doublet, your Hose, and your 
 Shoes, and your Nails too, if you can. Never talk of any 
 Thing that is mean. If any Traveller comes out of Spain, 
 enquire of him how the King and the Pope agree, how your 
 Cousin the Count of Nassau does, and all the rest of the 
 Officers your old jolly Acquaintance. 
 
 Har. It shall be done. 
 
 Nes. Wear a Seal-Ring upon your Finger. 
 
 Har. That's if my Pocket will speak. 
 
 Nes. Then you may have a brass Ring gilt with a Doub-
 
 The False Knight. 183 
 
 let for a small Matter : But then you must have your Coat- 
 of-Arms upon it too. 
 
 Har. What Bearing would you have me chuse ? 
 
 Nes. Why, if you will, two Milk-Pails and a Pot of Ale. 
 
 Har. You joke upon me ; but do tell me seriously. 
 
 Nes. Was you ever in a Battle ? 
 
 Har. I never saw a Battle. 
 
 Nes. But I believe you have beheaded the Farmers Geese 
 and Capons. 
 
 Har. Ay, many a Time, and manfully too. 
 
 Nes. Why then, let your Coat of Arms be, three Goose 
 Heads Or, and a Whinyard Argent. 
 
 Har. What must the Field be ? 
 
 Nes. What should it be but Gules ? a Monument of Blood 
 shed plentifully. 
 
 Har. Ay, why not ? for the Blood of a Goose is as red as 
 the Blood of a Man. But pray go on. 
 
 Nes. Have this Coat-of- Arms hung over the Gate of every 
 Inn you lodge at. 
 
 Har. What shall be added to the Helmet ? 
 
 Nes. That's well thought on, make that with a Mouth 
 slit from Ear to Ear. 
 
 Har. What's your Reason for that ? 
 
 Nes. First, to give you Air ; and then, that it may be 
 suitable to your Dress. But what must the Crest be ? 
 
 Har. I want to know that. 
 
 Nes. A Dog's Head with bangle Ears. 
 
 Har. That's common. 
 
 Nes. Then add two Horns to it, this is uncommon. 
 
 Har. I like that very well. But what Beasts shall I have 
 for Supporters ? 
 
 Nes. Why, as for Bucks, and Dogs, and Dragons, and 
 Griffins, they have been all taken up already by Princes ; 
 you shall have two Harpies. 
 
 Har. Nothing can be better. 
 
 Nes. But then we want the Title. In the first Place, you 
 must be sure to take Care not to suffer yourself to be call'd
 
 184 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Harpalus Comensis, but Harpalus a Como ; the one is noble, 
 the other pedantick. 
 
 Har. It is so. 
 
 Nes. Is there any Thing you can call yourself Lord of ? 
 
 Har. No, not so much as a Hog's Stye. 
 
 Nes. Was you born in any famous City ? 
 
 Har. No, in a poor sorry Village ; for a Man must not 
 lye when he asks Counsel. 
 
 Nes. That's very true ; but is there never a Mountain 
 near that Village ? 
 
 Har. There is. 
 
 Nes. And is there any Rock near that ? 
 
 Har. Yes, a very steep one. 
 
 Nes. Why, then you shall be, Harpalus, the Knight of the 
 Golden Rock. 
 
 Har. But most great Men, I observe, have their peculiar 
 Motto's : As, Maximilian had, Keep within Compass ; and 
 Philip, He that will ; and Charles, Further yet ; some one 
 Thing, and some another. 
 
 Nes. Well, do you let yours be, Turn every Stone. 
 
 Har. Nothing more pertinent. 
 
 Nes. Now, to confirm the World in their Esteem of you, 
 you must counterfeit Letters sent you from such and such 
 great Persons, in which you must frequently be styled the 
 Illustrious Knight ; and there must be Mention made of 
 great Affairs, as of Estates, Castles, huge Revenues, Com- 
 mands, great Offices, rich Matches : and you must contrive 
 that these Letters shall fall into People's Hands, as being 
 dropt by Chance, or forgotten. 
 
 Har. That will be very easy to me ; for, I understand Let- 
 ters, and have so us'd myself to it, that I can counterfeit any 
 Man's Hand, so exactly, that he shall not know it from his 
 own. 
 
 Nes. Either sew them into your Garment, or leave them 
 in your Pocket, that when you send your Cloaths to the 
 Taylor to mend, he may find them, and he'll make no Secret 
 of it : and when you come to the Knowledge of it, put an
 
 The False Knight. 185 
 
 Air of Vexation and Displeasure on your Countenance, as 
 if you were heartily vex'd, you were so careless as to leave 
 them there. 
 
 Har. I have practised that so long, that I can as easily 
 change my Countenance, as I can my Dress. 
 
 Nes. By this Means the Deceit will not be discovered, and 
 the Matter will be blaz'd abroad. 
 
 Har. I'll be sure to take great Care of that. 
 
 Nes. Then you must furnish yourself with Companions, 
 or Servants, who shall stand Cap in Hand to you, and call 
 you my young Lord at every Turn. You need not be dis- 
 courag'd at the Charge ; there are a great many young Men 
 who will act this Part for nothing, or for the Humour's-Sake. 
 And besides, there are a great many scribbling Blades in 
 this Country, that are strangely infected with the Itch (I 
 was going to say the Scab) of Writing ; and there are hungry 
 Printers, that will venture at any Thing, if there be but any 
 Hope of getting Money. You must bribe some of these, to 
 give you in their Pamphlets the Title of a Nobleman of your 
 Country, and let it be repeated every now and then in Capi- 
 tal Letters. Thus they will celebrate you a Nobleman in 
 Bohemia ; and one Book spreads more than an hundred 
 talkative Tongues, or prattling Servants. 
 
 Har. I don't dislike this Way neither ; but there will be 
 Servants to be maintained. 
 
 Nes. There will so ; but then you must not keep idle Ser- 
 vants, that have no Hands ; they will be unprofitable. You 
 must send one one Way, and another another, and so they 
 will lay their Fingers on something or other ; they will have 
 frequent Opportunities of doing that. 
 
 Har. Say no more : I understand you. 
 
 Nes. And then there are other Inventions. 
 
 Har. Pray let me hear them. 
 
 Nes. Unless you are an expert Gamester at Cards and 
 Dice, a rank Whore-Master, a stout Drinker, a daring Ex- 
 travagant, and understand the Art of Borrowing and Bub- 
 bling, and have got the French Pox to-boot, scarce any one 
 will believe you to be a Knight.
 
 1 86 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Har. I have been train'd up to these Exercises. But 
 where must I get the Money ? 
 
 Nes. Hold, I was coming to that : Have you any Estate ? 
 
 Har. A very little one. 
 
 Nes. Well, but when you are once settled in the Reputa- 
 tion of a great Man, you will easily find Fools that will give 
 you Credit ; some will be asham'd, and others afraid to deny 
 you ; and there are a thousand Ways to delude Creditors. 
 
 Har. I am not unacquainted with them. But they'll be 
 very pressing, when they find nothing coming but Words. 
 
 Nes. Nay, on the contrary, no Man has his Creditors more 
 at Command, than he that owes Money to a great many. 
 
 Har. How so ? 
 
 Nes. First of all, your Creditor pays you that Observance, 
 as if he was the Person obliged ; and is afraid lest he should 
 give any Occasion of losing his Money. No Man has his 
 Servants so much in Awe, as a Debtor his Creditor ; and if 
 you ever pay them any Thing, it is more kindly taken than 
 if you gave it them. 
 
 Har. I have found it so. 
 
 Nes. But you must take Care not to deal with little Peo- 
 ple, for they'll make a great Noise for a small Matter ; those 
 that have a more plentiful Fortune, are more easy to be ap- 
 peas'd ; they will be restrain'd by Modesty, led on by Hope, 
 or deterr'd by Fear, for they know the Danger of meddling 
 with Men of Power. And last of all, when you're got over 
 Head and Ears in Debt, then upon one Pretence or another 
 remove your Quarters first to one Place, and then to an- 
 other ; and you need not be asham'd of that, for no Body is 
 more in Debt than great Princes. If you find yourself 
 press'd by a Fellow of mean Condition, make as if you were 
 provok'd by his Confidence ; but make a small Payment 
 now and then, but never pay the whole Sum, nor to all your 
 Creditors. But you must always take Care that none ever 
 come to know that you have an empty Pocket ; always make 
 a Shew of Money. 
 
 Har. But what can a Man make a Shew of that has no- 
 thing ?
 
 The False Knight. 1 8 7 
 
 Nes. If any Friend has given you any Thing to lay up 
 for him, shew it as your own, but do it artfully, as if it were 
 done by Chance. And it will be good in this Case to bor- 
 row Money and shew it, tho' you pay it again presently. 
 Pull a Couple of Guineas, that you have plac'd by them- 
 selves, out of your Pocket, from a whole Pocket full of Coun- 
 ters. You may imagine 
 
 Har. I understand ye ; but at last I must of Necessity 
 sink under my Debts. 
 
 Nes. You know what Knights can do with us. 
 
 Har. They do just what they please, and there's no Re- 
 dress. 
 
 Nes. Let those Servants you keep be such as are diligent 
 ones, or some of your Kindred, such as must be kept how- 
 ever. They'll stumble now and then upon some Merchant 
 upon the Way, and rob him ; they'll find something in an 
 Inn, a House, or a Boat that wants a Keeper ; they will re- 
 member that a Man's Fingers were not given him for nothing. 
 
 Har. Ay, if this could be done with Safety. 
 
 Nes. You must take Care to keep them in handsome 
 Liveries, and be still sending them with counterfeit Letters 
 to this great Man, or the other. If they steal any Thing, 
 altho' they should suspect them, no Body will dare to charge 
 them with it, for Fear of the Knight their Master. If they 
 chance to take a Booty by Force, 'tis as good as a Prize in 
 War. 
 
 Har. O brave Counsel ! 
 
 Nes. This Maxim of Knighthood is always to be main- 
 tain'd, That it is lawful for a Knight upon the Road, to ease 
 a common Traveller of his Money ; for what can be more 
 dishonourable, than for a pitiful Tradesman to have Money 
 enough, and a Knight at the same Time wants it to spend 
 upon his WhoreSjand at Dice ? Get as much as you can into 
 the Company of great Men, tho' you pin yourself upon them ; 
 and that you may not be asham'd of any Thing, you must 
 put on a brazen Face, but especially to your Host. And it 
 will be best for you to live in some publick Place, as at the 
 Bath, and at the most frequented Inns.
 
 1 88 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Har. I was thinking of that. 
 
 Nes. In such Places Fortune will oftentimes throw some 
 Prey in the Way. 
 
 Har. How ? I beseech you. 
 
 Nes. Suppose one drops a Purse, another leaves the Key 
 in the Door of his Store-House, or so, you take me in. 
 
 Har. But 
 
 Nes. What are you afraid of ? Who'll dare to suspect a 
 Person that goes as you do, talks great, the Knight of the 
 Golden-Rock ? If there shall happen to be any saucy Fellow, 
 impudent enough to dare to suspect you, the Suspicion will 
 rather be cast upon some Body that went away the Day be- 
 fore. There will be a Disorder among the Master and the 
 Servants, and do you behave yourself as a Person wholly 
 unconcern'd. If this Accident befals either a Man of Mo- 
 desty, or of Brains, he'll pass it over without making Words 
 of it, lest he lose his Credit as well as his Money, for look- 
 ing no better after it. 
 
 Har. That's very Probable, for I suppose you know the 
 Count of the White- Vulture. 
 
 Nes. Why not ? 
 
 Har. I have heard of a certain Spaniard, a handsome gen- 
 teel Fellow, that lodg'd at his House, he carried away a 
 Matter of six hundred Florins ; behaving himself with that 
 State, that the Count never dar'd to open his Mouth against 
 him. 
 
 Nes. You have a Precedent then. You may now and then 
 send out a Servant for a Soldier, and he having rifled 
 Churches and Monasteries, will return loaden with the Plun- 
 der that he has got by the Law of Arms. 
 
 Har. This is the safest Expedient that we have had yet. 
 
 Nes. There is yet another Way of getting Money. 
 
 Har. Pray let me hear what that is. 
 
 Nes. Pick a Quarrel with those that have a good Deal of 
 Money, especially with Monks or Priests ; for the People 
 generally look very invidiously upon them now-a-Days, viz. 
 One broke a Jest upon you, another spit upon your Es-
 
 The False KnigkL 1 89 
 
 cutcheon, another spoke dishonourably of you ; one or the 
 other wrote something that might be interpreted scandalous. 
 Send your Heralds to declare an irreconcilable War. Breathe 
 nothing but Destruction and Ruin : And they being terrified 
 will come to you to make it up. Then see that you set a 
 great Price upon your Dignity ; and that is, you must ask 
 out of Reason, for your bearing that which is reasonable. 
 If you make a Demand of three thousand Guineas, they 
 will be asham'd to offer you less than two hundred. 
 
 Har. And I will threaten others with the Law. 
 
 Nes. That's more like a Sycophant ; but yet it may help 
 in some Degree. But hark ye, Harpalus, I had almost for- 
 got what I should have mention'd first : Some young Wench 
 with a good Fortune is to be drawn into the Noose of Mat- 
 rimony ; you have Charms in yourself, you're young and 
 handsome, you're a Beau, and have a pretty smiling Coun- 
 tenance ; give it out that you are call'd away to some great 
 Office in the Emperor's Court Girls are fond of marrying 
 Nobility. 
 
 Har. I know some that have made their Fortunes this 
 Way. But what if the Cheat should be discovered, and all 
 my Creditors should fall upon me at once ? Then I, the 
 sham Knight, shall become a Laughing-Stock ; for Creditors 
 hate this Sort of Tricking worse than they do robbing of 
 Churches. 
 
 Nes. Why, in this Case you must remember to put on a 
 brazen Face, and that Impudence never past so current for 
 Wisdom, as it does now-a-Days. You must betake yourself 
 to Invention for some Excuse ; and you will always find 
 some easy People, that will favour it ; and some so civil, 
 that if they perceive the Fallacy, they will not discover 
 it. And last of all, if you can do nothing else, you must 
 shew them a Pair of Heels, and run into the Army or a 
 Riot : for as the Sea hides all Mischief, so War hides all 
 Sins. And now-a-Days, he that has not been train'd up in 
 this School, is not look'd upon fit to be a Commander. 
 This must be your last Shift, when every Thing else fails
 
 190 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 you ; but you must turn every Stone before you come to't. 
 Take Care that you are not ruin'd by being bound for other 
 Men. Shun little Towns that a Man can't let a Fart in, but 
 the People must know it : In great and populous Cities a 
 Man may take more Liberty, unless it be in such a Place as 
 Marseilles. Make it your Business to know what People 
 say of you ; and when you hear the People begin to talk at 
 this Rate, What does this Man do here so long? why does he 
 not go Home, and look after his Castles ? whence does he 
 take his Pedigree ? whence does he get Money to live so 
 extravagantly ? when you find that such Talk as this grows 
 rife among the People, it is Time for you to think of pack- 
 ing up your Awls, and be jogging in good Time ; but 
 make your Retreat like a Lion, and not like a Hare. Pre- 
 tend you are call'd away by the Emperor to some great 
 Employment ; and that you shall return in a short Time at 
 the Head of an Army. Those that have any Thing they 
 are not willing to lose, won't dare to open their Mouths 
 against you when you are gone. But above all, I advise you 
 to have a Care of that peevish malicious Set of Men call'd 
 Poets. If any Thing displeases them, they will envenom 
 their Papers, and the Venom of them will be of a sudden 
 diffused all the World over. 
 
 Har. Let me die if I am not wonderfully pleas'd with 
 your Counsel ; and I'll make it my Business to let you see 
 that you have got a docible Scholar, and a Youth that is 
 not ungrateful ; the first good Horse that I shall get into 
 my Pasture, that is equal to your Deserts, I will present 
 you with. 
 
 Nes. Well, all that remains, is, that you be as good as 
 your Word. But what is the Reason that you should be so 
 fond of a false Opinion of Nobility ? 
 
 Har. For no other Reason, but that they are in a Manner 
 lawless, and do what they please. And do you think this 
 a Matter of small Moment ? 
 
 Nes. If the worst come that can come, Death is owing to 
 Nature, altho' you liv'd a Carthusian ; and it is an easier
 
 The False Knight. 191 
 
 Death to be broken on the Wheel, than to die of the Stone, 
 the Gout, or the Palsy : for it is like a Soldier to believe, 
 that after Death there remains nothing of a Man but his 
 Carcass. 
 
 Har. And I am of that Opinion.
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 6<f, or the Play of Cock-all, shews what the 
 Talus is, and where it is situated. How they usd 
 to Play at Cock-all in old Time. Why the Clergy 
 wear their Garments down to their Ancles, for the 
 Sake of Modesty and Distinction. Talus is a Sort 
 of a Leg- Bone. The Etymology of "Acnparyakos, a 
 Sort of Play, in English caWd Cock-all, or Take- 
 all. The Ace is a bad Cast of the Dice. Aumes- 
 ace, or Dog-Chance. Size is a good Cast, and is 
 call'd Senio or Midas. 
 
 QUIRINUS, CHARLES. 
 
 U. Cato bids us learn of those that are learned ; and for 
 that Reason, my Utenhovius, I have a Mind to make Use 
 of you for my Master. For what Reason did the antient 
 Directors in religious Affairs, order the Clergy to wear Ancle- 
 Coats, that is, Vestments reaching down to their Ancles ? 
 
 Ch. I am of Opinion it was done for these two Reasons : 
 First, for the Sake of Modesty, that nothing of Nakedness 
 might be exposed : For, in old Time, they did not wear 
 those Sort of Trowsers that reach from the Waist to the 
 Feet ; nor did they, in common, wear Drawers or Breeches. 
 And, for the same Reason, it is accounted immodest for 
 Women to wear short Coats, long ones being more agree- 
 able to the Modesty of the Sex. In the second Place, not 
 only for the Sake of Modesty, but also to distinguish them
 
 The Play of Cockall. 193 
 
 from the common People, by their Habit ; for, the more 
 loose they are in their Morals, the shorter they wear their 
 Coats. 
 
 Qu. What you say is very probable. But I have learn'd 
 from Aristotle and Pliny, that Men have not the Tali, but 
 only four-footed Beasts ; and not all of them neither, but 
 only some of those that are cloven-footed ; nor have they 
 them in their hinder Legs. How then can the Garment be 
 call'd a Talarian Garment, which a Man wears, unless in 
 former Days Men went upon all-fours, according to Aris- 
 tophanes'?, Play ? 
 
 Ch. Nay, if we give Credit to Oedipus, there are some Men 
 that are four-footed, some three-footed, and some two-footed, 
 and oftentimes they come from a Battle one-footed, and 
 sometimes without e'er a Foot at all. But, as for the Word, 
 you would be more at a Loss if you were to read Horace, who 
 attributes the Tali to Plays. For thus, I think, he writes in 
 his Art of Poetry ; 
 
 Securus cadat, an recto stet fabula talo. 
 
 Being regardless whether or no tJie Comedy fall or stand upon 
 its Talus. 
 
 Qu. Poets have a Liberty of speaking as they please ; 
 who give Ears to Tmolus, and make Ships speak, and Oaks 
 dance. 
 
 Ch. But your own Aristotle could have taught you this, 
 that there are half Tali, which he calls ^^lao-Tpa^akov^, that 
 he attributes to those Beasts that are of the Lynx Kind. 
 And he says, that Lions have that which is instead of the 
 Talus, but it is crooked, or turned to and fro ; and that which 
 he calls \aftvpivdases,Pliny translates tortuosum [full of Turn- 
 ings and Windings.] And in the last Place, Bones are every 
 where inserted into Bones, for the Conveniency of bending 
 the Joints ; and there are Cavities for the receiving the Pro- 
 minencies that answer to them, that are defended on each 
 Side with a slippery Cartilage, the Parts being so inviron'd, 
 or kept in, that they can't hurt one another ; as the same 
 
 VOL. II. N
 
 1 94 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Aristotle teaches us. And there is, for the most Part, in 
 these, something that answers pretty near, both in Form and 
 Use, to the Talus : In the lower Part of the Leg, near the 
 Heel, where is the bending of the whole Foot, there is a 
 Prominence which resembles the Talus, which the Greeks 
 call <r<f>vp6v. Again, we see in the bending of the Knee a 
 Vertebra, which, if I am not mistaken, they call icr^iW. And 
 we also see something like this in the Hips, in the Shoulders, 
 and, lastly, in the Joints of the Toes and Fingers. And, that 
 it may not seem strange to you, the Greeks write, that the 
 Word a<rTpdya\os is, in approved Authors, applied to the 
 Bones, of which the Spine is compos'd, especially in the Neck- 
 For they quote you this Verse : 
 
 'Efc 8e pot, 
 
 My Neck-Bone was broke on the outside the Tali. 
 
 And, as Aristotle says, the fore Legs are given to Animals, 
 upon the Account of Swiftness, and for that Reason are 
 without the Tali ; the hind Legs for Firmness, because the 
 Weight of the Body bears upon that Part : as also it contri- 
 butes to Strength in those Creatures that kick. Horace, to 
 signify that the Play was not cut short, but acted quite to 
 the End, says, Stetit fixo talo ; and uses the Word Talus in 
 a Play, in the same Sense as we apply the Word Calx to a 
 Book ; and also says, the Umbilicus voluminis, or Navel of 
 a Volume. 
 
 Qu. In Troth, you play the Part of a Grammarian very 
 cleverly. 
 
 Ch. But to confirm it, the more learned Greeks will have 
 ' A(rrpaya\o<i deriv'd of o-rpe^w, and the privative Particle a, 
 because it is never bended, but is immoveable. But others 
 chuse to derive acrrparyakos from a<TTcisya\o<;, by inserting the 
 Letter p, because it can't stand by Reason of its slippery 
 Volubility. 
 
 Qu. If you go that Way to Work, you may make a great 
 many more Guesses : But I think it a fairer Way to confess 
 Ignorance in the Matter.
 
 The Play of Cockall. 195 
 
 Ch. This Guess will not seem so very absurd, if you con- 
 sider what great Obscurity there is in the primitive Origin 
 of Words : And besides, there is nothing contradictious in 
 the Matter, if you look narrowly into it. The Talus is vol- 
 uble, but it is voluble after such a Manner, that it renders 
 that Part to which it is inserted, the more firm for standing ; 
 and then it joins one Bone to another. 
 
 Qu. I find you can play the Part of a Sophister, when you 
 have a Mind to it. 
 
 Ch. But there is nothing in the Word Talus, that the Ety- 
 mology of it should perplex us ; for that which the modern 
 Greeks call aa-rpdryaXof, the Antients, of which Callimachus 
 was one, call'd da-rptov, to whom this Hemistich is ascribed 
 Awa 8' a<TTpia CUVVTO \vrpov ; whence, as the Greeks us'd the 
 Word a(rrpaya\%eiv, so they also used the Word aarpi^eiv, 
 to play at Cock-all. 
 
 Qu. What then is that which is properly the Talus ? 
 
 Ch. It is that which now-a-Days the Girls play with ; it 
 was formerly a Boy's Play, as Cob-Nuts was ; concerning 
 which there is this Greek Sentence, 'Ap,<$> aa-rpajakota-t ^o- 
 Xo>0t9, when they would intimate that Persons were angry 
 for a Trifle. Again Horace in his Odes has Nee regna vini 
 sortiere tails. And also in his Sermones ; Te talos Aule nu- 
 cesque, &c. And lastly, that Saying of the Lacedemonian, if 
 I am not mistaken, Pueros esse fallendos talis, viros jureju- 
 rando. They deny that the Talus is found in any Animal 
 that is fjuevvxpv, that is, that has a solid Hoof, except the 
 Indian Ass that has but one Horn ; or that is TroXucr^tSe?, 
 that has its Foot divided into many Toes or Claws ; of which 
 Sort are the Lion, the Panther, the Dog, the Ape, a Man, a 
 Bird, and a great many others : But those Animals that are 
 Si'^Xa, that have a Hoof divided into two, many of them 
 have the Talus, and that, as you said very rightly, in their 
 hinder Legs. Man only has not the Talus for two Reasons : 
 First because he is two-footed ; and secondly, because his 
 Foot is divided into five Toes. 
 
 Qu. That I have heard often ; but I should be glad to hear
 
 196 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 where the Talus was situated, and what Form it has de- 
 scribed ; for that Sort of Play is quite out of Doors even with 
 Girls now-a-Days, and they rather affect Dice, Cards, and 
 other masculine Plays. 
 
 Ch. That is not to be wonder'd at, when they affect Di- 
 vinity itself : But if I were a Mathematician, or a Painter, 
 or a Founder, I could not represent it more clearly to you, 
 than by shewing you the Talus itself; unless you would 
 have me describe it algebraically, as they do. 
 
 Qu. Have you got e'er a Talus ? 
 
 Ch. Here's one out of the right Leg of a Sheep, you see it 
 has but four Sides, when a Cube and a Dice has six, four on 
 the Sides, one at the Top, and one at the Bottom. 
 
 Qu. It is so. 
 
 Ch. And forasmuch as the upper and lower Part of the 
 Talus is crooked, it has but four Sides, one of which, you 
 see, rises like a Ridge. 
 
 Qu. I see it. 
 
 Ch. On the opposite Side there is a Hollow; this Aris- 
 totle calls 7r/jai/e?, that is, prone ; and this VTTTIOV, that is, su- 
 pine : as when in the Act of Copulation, for the Sake of Pro- 
 creation, the Woman is supine, and the Man is prone : And 
 the Hand, if the Palm of it be held towards the Ground, is 
 prone ; if you turn it up, it is supine ; tho' Orators and 
 Poets do sometimes confound the Use of these Words, but 
 that is nothing to the Matter in Hand. 
 
 Qu. You have demonstrated this very plainly to my Sight ; 
 but what's the Difference between the two other Sides ? 
 
 Ch. One of them is hollowed a little, to make it answer- 
 able to the Bone to which it is joined ; the other has no 
 Hollow at all to speak on, and is not so much defended 
 with a cartilaginous Coat, but is only cover'd with a Nerve 
 and a Skin. 
 
 Qu. I see it very plain. 
 
 Ch. The prone Side has no Nerves at all ; but to the 
 Concavity of the supine Part a Nerve adheres, to the Top of 
 the right Side and the Bottom of the left.
 
 TJte Play of Cockall. 197 
 
 Qu. You make it out very plain ; but how must I know 
 the right Side from the left ? 
 
 Ck. That's very well minded ; for I had instructed you 
 very illy, except you suppose me to mean the Talus of the 
 right Leg : I will tell you, and at the same Time I'll shew 
 you the Situation of it, which you desired to know. The 
 Talus is in that Bending of the Leg beneath the Hip. 
 
 Qu. A great many are of Opinion it is near the Foot. 
 
 Ch. They are under a Mistake : That which is properly 
 call'd the Talus, is in the Bendings of the Joints, which the 
 Greeks call /ca/xTra? ; but those of the hinder Legs, as I said 
 before, between your Foot and your Knee, is the Tibia. 
 
 Qu. Why, so I think. 
 
 Ch. Behind the Knee, Kainrr). 
 
 Qu. I allow it. 
 
 Ch. For those Bendings which Men have in their Arms, 
 four-footed Beasts have in their hinder Legs ; but I except 
 the Ape, which is but half Man : and so that which is the 
 Knee in the Leg, is the Elbow in the Arm. 
 
 Qu. I take it in. 
 
 Ch. And so one Bending answers to another. 
 
 Qu. You mean of the fore Legs and the hinder Legs. 
 
 Ch. You have it : So that in that Bending which answers 
 to the Bending which is behind the Knee, the Talus stands 
 upright when a four-footed Beast stands, the upper and 
 lower Part of which is a little bended, but not altogether 
 after the same Manner ; for the upper Part is folded back 
 into a Sort of Horns, as it were, which Aristotle calls *e- 
 pata? ; Theodorus translates the Word Antennas ; near to 
 which the prone Side gives Way ; the Bottom has no such 
 Thing. 
 
 Qu. I perceive it very plainly. 
 
 Ch. Therefore Aristotle calls that Side which is towards 
 the fore Legs, supine ; and that which is contrary to it, 
 prone. Again, there are two Sides, one of which inwardly, 
 is towards the hinder Leg, either the right or left, suppose 
 which you will ; the other looks outwards : that which looks
 
 198 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 inwards Aristotle calls K>\OV, and that which looks outwards, 
 
 Qu. I see it plainly with my Eyes : but still here's this to 
 be done, to inform me what was the antient Manner of play- 
 ing with these Tali : for the Play, as it is us'd now-a-Days, is 
 quite different from what we find in antient Authors con- 
 cerning this Sort of Play. 
 
 Ch. And truly that's very likely, as we in like Manner 
 now pervert the Use of Cards and Dice from the antient 
 Manner of playing with them. 
 
 Qu. What you say is very probable. 
 
 Ch. Theodorus Gaza, or as others rather chuse to call him, 
 of Thessalonica, in translating Aristotle's second Book of his 
 History of Animals, says, That the Side of the Talus that 
 looks outwardly transverse, was call'd Canis ; and that which 
 looks inwardly to the other Leg, Venus : and then he adds 
 to it this of his own, for Aristotle said no more; To fiev 
 irpaves e&>, TO Se VTTTIOV e'laco, KOI ra fjiev Kw\a evros etrrpa/jL^eva 
 ?rpo9 a\\rj\a, ra Se Icr^la ica\ov/jLva e&>, KOL ra? icepaias avo). 
 But since it is certain that the Throw is call'd Venus' s by 
 other Persons, as often as in four Dice the uppermost Sides 
 of them all are different one from another ; I wonder by 
 what Example Theodorus calls one Side Venus. Our Eras- 
 mus, who is our common Friend, who is no negligent Ob- 
 server of these Things, in some of his Proverbs upon the 
 Authority of the Antients, intimates some Things of the Play 
 of the Tali ; as in the Proverb, Non Chius sed Cous ; he says, 
 that the Cous and the Size were the same that the Greeks 
 call'd egiTtjv. He relates the same in the Proverb Chius 
 ad Cous, (adding, that Chius was the same with Canis, the 
 Ace?) That the Cast of the Cous was a lucky Cast, but of 
 the Canis an unlucky one, according to the Testimony of 
 Persius. 
 
 -- Quid dexter Senio ferret 
 
 Scire erat in votis, damnosa canicula quantum 
 Raderet. - -- 
 
 And likewise Propertius ;
 
 The Play of Cockall. 1 99 
 
 Semper damnosi subsiluere canes. 
 
 And Ovid, in his second Book de Tristibus, calls them, 
 damnosos canes. 
 
 And Martial adds, that the Size by itself is a lucky Cast ; 
 but if an Ace comes up with it, unlucky ; for so he speaks, 
 Senio nee nostrum cum Cane quassat ebur. 
 
 And now as to Venus's Cast, as it is what happens but 
 very seldom, so it is a very lucky Throw: As Martial writes 
 in his Apopfwreta ; 
 
 Cum steterit vultu nullus tibi talus fodem, 
 Munera me dices magna dedisse tibi. 
 
 For they play'd with so many Tali as every one had Sides : 
 for as to Dice, they used to play but with three. But that 
 which Suetonius writes of Octavius Augustus comes nearer 
 to the Method of Play, reciting out of a certain Epistle of 
 his to Tiberius ; At Supper we play'd, both Yesterday and to 
 Day, like old, grave Men, at Tali: And as every one threw 
 an Ace or a Size, he laid down a Piece of Money for every 
 Talus ; and he that threw Venus took up all. 
 
 Qu. You told me before, that it was a very fortunate 
 Throw when any one threw four different Sides, as at Dice- 
 Play the most fortunate Cast is Midas ; but you did not tell 
 me that this Cast was call'd Venus. 
 
 Ch. Lucian will make that Matter plain to you : Thus 
 speaking concerning Cupids, KOI ftakiav fiev eVt CTKOTTOV, JJM- 
 \icrra 8e et Trore rrjv Oeov avTrjv eu/SoA^erete. My&evbs aarrpa- 
 <yd\ov Treowro? icrco (ryfifAa/Tl, Trpocreicvvei, Trj? eTTttftyua? reu e<r- 
 Bai vopi^wv. He there speaks of Venus. 
 
 Qu. If Theodorus is mistaken, his Words only make Men- 
 tion of two Sides. 
 
 Ch. It may be, he follow'd the Authority of some Author 
 that is out of my Memory ; but I have quoted what I find 
 in Authors : For, there are some that speak of the Stesi- 
 chorian Number, as to the Tali, which they take to be the 
 Number Eight ; and also of the Euripidian, which contain'd 
 40.
 
 2OO Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Qn. But it remains, that you lay down the Rules of the 
 Play. 
 
 Ch. I am not of the Opinion, that Boys make Use of 
 the same Rule that Octavius writes he observ'd : Nor is it 
 probable, that this Game which he speaks of was a common 
 one ; if that had been so, it had been enough for him to have 
 said, After Supper we play'd at tJie Tali. But he seems by this 
 to hint, that it was a new Method that they had invented 
 among themselves, as one that was fit for Persons of Age, 
 not puzzling their Minds by a careful Though tfulness, as a 
 great many of our modern Games do ; so that it is much 
 less Fatigue to the Mind to study hard, than to play. 
 
 Qu. Prithee, pull out the rest of the Tali, that we may try 
 an Experiment with them. 
 
 Ch. But we have no Turret, nor Box to throw them in. 
 
 Qu. Why, this Table will do well enough to try any Ex- 
 periment with them ; or this Cup, or Cap, will supply the 
 Place of a Turret. 
 
 Ch. Nay, hussling them in the Palm of one's Hand may 
 do well enough. A Throw oftner turns up the supine Face 
 than the prone Face ; and the prone Face, oftner than a 
 Size or an Ace. 
 
 Qu. So it seems. 
 
 Ch. Now, if there be an Ace turn'd up in the four Tali, 
 you shall lay down one Piece of Money ; if there are two, 
 two Pieces ; if three, three Pieces ; if four, four Pieces : and 
 as often as you throw a Size, you shall take up one Piece. 
 
 Qu. But what if I should throw Size Ace ? 
 
 Ch. Why, if you will, both of us shall lay down, and neither 
 of us take up ; and he that throws four different Spots shall 
 take up all. 
 
 Qu. What if we throw upper, or under, blank ? 
 
 Ch. That Throw shall go for nothing, and either you shall 
 throw again, or I'll take it. 
 
 Qu. I had rather the other should take the Cast 
 
 Ch. Now down with your Money. 
 
 Qu. Let's play for nothing.
 
 The Play of CockalL 201 
 
 Ch. Would you learn such an Art as this for nothing ? 
 
 Qu. But it is an unequal Match, for one that knows no- 
 thing of the Game to play with a Gamester. 
 
 Ch. Well, but the Hope of Winning, and the Fear of Los- 
 ing, will make you mind your Game the better. 
 
 Qu. How much shall we play for ? 
 
 Ch. If you have a Mind to get an Estate quickly, let's 
 play for 100 Crowns. 
 
 Qu. I wish I had them to lay down. But 'tis the safer 
 Way to grow rich gradually. See, here's a whole Half- 
 Penny. 
 
 Ch. Well, come on, we'll add a little to a little, as Hesiod 
 advises, and this will in Time make a large Heap. Shake 
 them, and throw away. A good Beginning : You have 
 thrown an Ace ; lay down your Money, and acknowledge 
 you're on the losing Side. Give me the Tali. 
 
 Qu. That's a better Beginning, there's three Aces ; lay 
 down. 
 
 Ch. Fortune is laying a Trap for you ; throw away, but 
 hussle them first. O good Man ! you have got nothing at 
 all, there is an upper Blank and an under one. 'Tis my 
 Throw, give me the Tali. 
 
 Qu. Well done again, I see three Aces. 
 
 Ch. Well, don't reckon your Chickens before they be hatcKd. 
 Well, Fortune has a Mind to make a Gamester of you ; but 
 mind, this is my Way of learning. But I am of the Opinion, 
 that Octavius play'd after a different Manner. 
 
 Qu. How was it ? 
 
 Ch. He that threw an Ace, laid down a Penny, as we said ; 
 he that threw a Size took up nothing, but the other laid 
 down. 
 
 Qu. But what if he threw Doublets ? 
 
 Ch. Then the other laid down so many Pieces ; and when 
 there was a good Heap of Money down, he that threw Venus 
 took up all ; and you may add this, if you will, That he that 
 throws neither Size nor Ace, shall only lose his Throw. 
 
 Qu. I agree to it
 
 202 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ch. But I look upon this to be better, That he that holds 
 the Dice shall throw thrice, and then give the Throw to the 
 other. 
 
 Qu. I like that well enough. But how many Venus's will 
 you make up ? 
 
 Ch. Why three, if you will ; and after that, you may make 
 a new Bargain, or play who shall take all : For a Size comes 
 up but seldom, and but to very few neither. Now let us 
 make a lucky Beginning. 
 
 Qu. Well ; let it be so ; but we had best have the Doors 
 shut, lest our Queen of the Kitchen should happen to see us 
 playing at Childrens Play. 
 
 Ch. Nay, we rather play at old Mens Play. But have you 
 got a Blab of a Servant then ? 
 
 Qu. So great a Gossip, that if she can't find any Body else 
 to tell what's done at Home, she'll hold a long Discourse 
 with the Hens or Cats, about it. 
 
 Ch. Soho Boy ! shut the Door and lock it, that no Body 
 come and surprize us ; that we may play our Belly-full.
 
 203 
 
 FTNAIKOSTNEdPION. 
 
 The ASSEMBLY or PARLIAMENT 
 OF WOMEN. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Senate of Women, or rwaucoa-vveSpiov, very hand- 
 somely exposes some of the Faults of Woman- Kind : 
 They have a Mind to set up a Common- Wealth, and 
 a Parliament, as the Men have. They say they could 
 order Matters better than the greatest Princes have 
 done. A Woman that disgraces her Husband, dis- 
 graces herself. The Condition of Women is safer 
 than that of Men. They treat of Dress and Attire; 
 and that there be a Difference between the Common- 
 alty and Gentry. 
 
 CORNELIA, MARGARET, PEROTTA, 
 JULIA and CATHERINE. 
 
 r^ORN. Since so many of you are assembled here to Day, 
 and in so good Humour, for the Good and Happiness of 
 this Convention, and the whole Common-Wealth of Women, 
 it gives me the greatest Hope, that every one's good Genius 
 will suggest to her those Things that concern the Dignity 
 and Advantage of the whole Sex. I believe, you all know 
 what a Prejudice it has been to our Affairs, that, while the 
 Men have had their daily Meetings for transacting their 
 Affairs, we have been sitting at our Spinning-Wheels, and 
 neglected the Management of our own Cause. Whence 
 Things are now come to that Pass, that there are not the
 
 204 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 least Footsteps of Discipline and Government left amongst 
 us ; and the Men make a mere Jest of us, and scarce allow 
 us the Title of rational Creatures. So that if we go on as 
 we have done, you may easily foresee what will come on it 
 in a short Time ; and indeed, I am afraid to utter it : and 
 if we should take no Care at all of our Dignity, yet we ought 
 to have some Regard to our Safety. And the wisest of Kings 
 has left it upon Record, that in the Multitude of Counsellors 
 there is Safety. The Bishops have their Synods, and the 
 Flocks of Monks their Conventicles ; the Soldiers their 
 Councils of War, and Thieves and Pick-Pockets their Clubs; 
 and even the Pismires themselves have their Meetings : And 
 we Women, of all living Creatures, are the only ones that 
 have had no Meeting of Members at all. 
 
 Mar. Oftner than is becoming. 
 
 Corn. Don't interrupt there ; let me conclude my Speech, 
 and you shall have all Time to speak in your Turns. That 
 which we now do is no new Thing ; we only revive an old 
 Custom : For, if I am not mistaken, about 1 300 Years ago, 
 that most Praise-worthy Emperor Heliogabalus 
 
 Per. Most Praise-worthy ! when it is certain he was 
 dragg'd about with a Hook, and thrown into a House-of- 
 Office. 
 
 Corn. Here I am interrupted again. If we approve, or 
 disapprove of any Person, by this Way of arguing, we must 
 allow Christ was an ill Person because he was crucified ; 
 and Domitian a good Man, because he died in his Bed. 
 The worst Thing that was laid to the Charge of Heliogaba- 
 lus y was his flinging down to the Ground the sacred Fire 
 that was kept by the Vestal Virgins ; and that he had the 
 Pictures of Moses and Christ hanging up in his private 
 Chapel, whom, by Way of Contempt, they called Chrestus. 
 This Heliogabalus published a Proclamation, that as he, 
 being Emperor, had a Parliament of Men to consult of their 
 common Affairs ; so his Mother Augusta should have her 
 Parliament of Women to transact the Affairs of their own 
 Sex ; which the Men, either by Way of Drollery, or Dis-
 
 The Parliament of Women. 205 
 
 tinction, call'd the Little Senate. This Precedent, which has 
 been omitted for so many Years, the present Posture of our 
 Affairs obliges us to revive. Neither let any one be scru- 
 pulous, because the Apostle Paul forbids a Woman to speak 
 in the Assembly, that he calls a Church ; for he speaks of 
 an Assembly of Men, and this is an Assembly of Women. 
 Otherwise, if Women must always hold their Tongues, to 
 what Purpose did Nature give them, which are as voluble 
 as Mens, and a Voice that is shriller ? altho' they make a 
 hoarser Sound, and thereby resemble Asses more than we 
 do. But this ought to be the Care of us all, to manage our 
 Debates with that Gravity, that the Men may not call our 
 Assembly a Conventicle, or by some other more scandalous 
 Name : and they are used to be forward enough to be scur- 
 rilous in their Language to us ; altho' if one might estimate 
 their Parliaments according to Truth, they will appear more 
 womanish than the Assemblies of Women themselves. We 
 see Monarchs have done nothing but fight, for these I don't 
 know how many Years. The Students of Divinity, Priests, 
 Bishops, and People, are at Daggers-drawing, and there are 
 as many Opinions as there are Men in the World, and they 
 are more inconsistent in them than we Women ourselves 
 are. One City does not agree with another, nor one Neigh- 
 bour with another. If the supreme Administration were 
 entrusted in our Hands, I am mistaken, if the World would 
 not be managed at a better Rate than now it is. Perhaps 
 it may not become our female Modesty, to charge such noble 
 Personages with Folly ; but, I suppose, I may be allowed 
 to recite what Solomon has written in the i^th Chapter of 
 his Proverbs, There is always Contention among tJte Proud ; 
 but they tJiat do every Thing by Counsel, are governed by 
 Wisdom. But that I may not detain you any longer with 
 a tedious Preamble ; to the End that all Things may be 
 carried on decently and without Confusion, in the first Place 
 it will be necessary to consider who shall be allowed as 
 Members, and who shall be excluded. For too great a 
 Company will make it look more like a Mob and a Riot
 
 206 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 than a grave Assembly ; and if we take in too few, it will 
 seem to be something tyrannical : Therefore I humbly con- 
 ceive, that no Virgin is to be admitted as a Member ; be- 
 cause many Things may happen to be debated, that are not 
 proper for them to hear. 
 
 Jul. But how shall we be able to know who are Virgins 
 and who are not ? Will you allow all those to be Virgins 
 that pass for such ? 
 
 Corn. No ; but my Meaning is, that none but married 
 Women be admitted among us. 
 
 Jul. But there are Virgins among those that are married ; 
 such as have Fumblers for their Husbands. 
 
 Corn. Well, but this Honour shall be allow'd to a married 
 State, that all that have been married shall be allowed to 
 be Women. 
 
 Jul. Under your Favour, if you exclude none but Virgins, 
 we shall still have too great a Number. 
 
 Corn. Well then, those shall be excluded that have been 
 more than thrice married. 
 
 Jul. For what Reason ? 
 
 Corn. Because they ought to have their quietus est, as 
 being superannuated. And I am of Opinion, that we ought 
 to do the same by those that are upwards of 70 Years of 
 Age. I think also, that it ought to be resolved, Nemine 
 contradicente, that no Woman be allow'd particularly to 
 mention her own Husband by Name too freely : It may be 
 allowed to speak in the general ; but that too ought to be 
 done with Moderation and Decency. 
 
 Ca. But" why may it not be allow'd us to talk freely of the 
 Men here, when they are always talking about us every 
 where ? My Titius, whenever he has a Mind to divert his 
 Company, tells them what he did with me in the Night, 
 what I said to him, and oftentimes affirms what is false. 
 
 Corn. If we would speak the Truth, our Reputation de- 
 pends wholly upon that of the Men ; so that if we expose 
 them, what else do we do but disgrace ourselves ? And altho" 
 indeed, we have a great many just Complaints against them ;
 
 The Parliament of Women. 207 
 
 yet, all Things being duly considered, our Condition is much 
 preferable to theirs : For they, endeavouring to get a Main- 
 tenance for their Families, scamper thro' all the Parts of the 
 Earth by Land and Sea. In Times of War, they are call'd 
 up by the Sound of the Trumpet, stand in Armour in the 
 Front of the Battle, while we sit at Home in Safety. If they 
 transgress the Law, they are punish'd severely ; but our 
 Sex is spared. And in the last Place, for the most Part it 
 is in our own Power to make our Husbands such as we 
 would have them. But it remains, that we come to some 
 Resolutions about Precedency in taking Places ; lest it 
 should be with us as it often happens among the Plenipo- 
 tentiaries of Kings, Princes, and Popes, who in their Con- 
 gresses, squabble away three Months at least in Punctilios 
 and Ceremony, before they can sit down to Business. There- 
 fore it is my Opinion, that none but Peeresses sit in the first 
 Bench ; and these shall take their Places according to the 
 Degrees of their Nobility : First, those that have four ; next, 
 those that have three ; after them, those that have two ; 
 then, those who have but one ; and last of all, those who 
 have but half a one : And in every Rank Regard shall be 
 had to Antiquity. Bastards of every Rank shall sit in the 
 lowest Place of it. The next Bench shall be that of the 
 Commons ; and of those, they shall sit in the foremost Places 
 who have had the most Children ; and between those who 
 have had the same Number, Age shall decide the Difference. 
 The Third Bench shall be for those who never had any 
 Children. 
 
 Ca. Where do you intend to place the Widows ? 
 
 Corn. Well remembred. They shall have their Seats in 
 the Middle of the Mothers, if they have Children, or ever 
 had any ; those that have been barren, shall sit at the lower 
 End of them. 
 
 Jul. Well, but what Place do you design for the Wives of 
 Priests and Monks ? 
 
 Corn. We will consider of that Matter at our next Meeting. 
 
 Jul. What do you determine about those Women who get 
 their Living by their bodily Labour ?
 
 2o8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Corn. We will not suffer this Assembly to be polluted by 
 the Mixture of such Cattle. 
 
 Jul. What will you do concerning kept Mistresses ? 
 
 Corn. They are of several Ranks ; we'll consider that when 
 we are more at Leisure. There's another Matter to be con- 
 sidered of, How we shall give our Votes ; whether by Scratch- 
 ing or Balloting, or by Word of Mouth, or Holding up our 
 Hands, or by Dividing. 
 
 Ca. There are Tricks in Balloting, and so there are in 
 Scratching ; and if we give our Vote by Dividing, as we wear 
 long Petticoats, we shall raise too much Dust ; so that I am 
 of Opinion, it will be the best Way for every one to give 
 her Vote viva voce. 
 
 Corn. But it will be a difficult Matter to number the Votes. 
 And then too, great Care ought to be taken, that it be not 
 rather a Billingsgate than a Senate, [a Place of Scolding, 
 rather than a Place of Pleading.] 
 
 Ca. It will be impossible to do any Thing without Clerks, 
 to take Care that nothing be omitted. 
 
 Corn. Well then, we have taken Care about numbering ; 
 in the next Place, how shall we exclude scolding ? 
 
 Ca. That no-Body speak but when she is asked, and in 
 her Turn too. She that does otherwise, shall be expelled 
 the House. And if any one shall be found to blab out what 
 is transacted here, she shall incur the Penalty of a three Days 
 Silence. 
 
 Corn. Well, Ladies, so far we have settled Matters, as to 
 the Method of Proceeding ; now let us consider what we 
 shall debate about. In the first Place, we ought to take 
 Care of our Honour ; and that consists chiefly in Dress, 
 which Matter has been so neglected, that now-a-Days you 
 can scarce know a Dutchess from a Shop-Keeper's Wife ; a 
 married Woman from a Maid, or a Widow or a Matron, 
 from a Whore. Modesty is remov'd at that Distance, that 
 every one wears what Apparel she pleases. You may see 
 those, that are scarce one Degree on this Side Beggars, and 
 of a base and sordid Extraction, dress'd in their Velvets,
 
 The Parliament of Women. 209 
 
 Silks, and water'd Tabbies, Garden Sattins, sprigg'd Calli- 
 coes and Chintzes, in Gold and Silver, Sable Tippets, &c. 
 whose Husbands in the mean Time sit at Home cobbling 
 Shoes. Their Fingers are loaded with Emerald and Diamond 
 Rings ; for Pearls are now made no Account of ; not to 
 mention their Amber and Coral Necklaces, their lac'd Shoes. 
 It was formerly thought enough for your ordinary Women, 
 to be allow'd the Privilege to wear a Silk Girdle, and to bor- 
 der their Petticoats with a Ribbon, in Honour of the Sex : 
 But now we labour under a double Inconveniency ; the 
 Family is beggar'd, and Distinction, which is the Life and 
 Soul of Quality, is quite lost. If the Wives of the Common- 
 alty must be dragg'd about in gilded Chariots, adorn'd with 
 Ivory Seats, and Cotton Linings and Coach-Seats, what shall 
 Dutchesses and Countesses do ? And, if a 'Squire's Spouse 
 shall be allow'd to drag a Train after her of 1 5 Ells long, 
 what must a Dutchess or a Countess do ? But there is one 
 Thing that is worse than all this, that by an unaccountable 
 Fickleness we are always altering the Fashion. Formerly our 
 Head-Dresses were mounted upon Wires ; and by this Dress 
 Women of Quality were known from ordinary ones. Again, 
 that the Difference might be more visible, they wore Caps 
 of Ermin powdered with black Spots : But the Mob had 'em 
 presently. Then they altered the Fashion again, and wore 
 black Caps ; but Women of the ordinary Sort did not only 
 presume to imitate them, but out-did them, by adding Gold 
 Embroidery and Jewels to them. Formerly it was the Cus- 
 tom of Ladies of Quality, to comb up their Hair from their 
 Foreheads and Temples, and to make a Tower of it ; but 
 this did not last long ; for every Baggage soon fell into that 
 Fashion. Then they wore their Hair on their Foreheads ; 
 but in this too they were soon followed by the ordinary 
 Sort. Formerly none but Ladies of Quality had their Gen- 
 tlemen-Ushers, and Pages, and out of these they chose some 
 pretty smock-fac'd Fellow to take them by the Hand, when 
 they arose from their Chairs, or to support their left Arm 
 with his right, when they walk'd ; but this Honour was 
 VOL. II. o
 
 2 1 o Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 granted to none but Gentlemen. But now, Women in common 
 following this Fashion, admit any mean Persons to this 
 Office, and also to bear up their Train too. And whereas 
 formerly, in primitive Times, none but Persons of high Ex- 
 traction saluted one another with a Kiss, and did not permit 
 everyone to kiss them, no not so much as their Hand ; now- 
 a-Days a Tanner or Currier, that stinks of the Leather, shall 
 presume to kiss a Lady of the highest Quality. Nay, even 
 in Marriages, there is no Regard had to Honour : Noble- 
 mens Daughters are married to Tradesmens Sons, and 
 Tradesmens Daughters to Noblemen ; so that a Sort of 
 Mongrels are brought into the World. Nor is there a Wench 
 of ever so mean a Birth, but would presume to use the same 
 Paints and Washes that the Quality use : when ordinary 
 People ought to be satisfied with a little Ale Yeast, or the 
 Fresh Juice of a Tree that has been barked, or any such 
 Thing that costs but little : They ought to leave the fine 
 Paints, Washes, and Cosmeticks, to Women of Quality. 
 To come now to publick Entertainments and the Park, 
 what Confusion and Disorder is there ! A Merchant's Wife 
 shall oftentimes refuse to give Place to a Lady of noble De- 
 scent both by Father and Mother : So that the present 
 Posture of Affairs calls upon us to come to some Resolu- 
 tion as to these Matters : and these Things may be easily 
 settled among us, because they belong to none but our own 
 Sex. But there are also some Affairs that we have to settle 
 with the Men too, who exclude us from all honourable Em- 
 ployments, and only make us their Landresses, and their 
 Cooks ; while they themselves man age every Thing accord- 
 ing to their own Pleasure. We will allow them the Manage- 
 ment of publick Offices, and military Concerns : But is it a 
 sufferable Thing that the Wife's Coat of Arms should be 
 painted on the left Side of the Escutcheon, altho' her Family 
 is twice as honourable as that of her Husband's ? And in 
 the last Place, it is but just, that a Mother's Consent should 
 be had in putting out the Children. And it may be, we 
 shall gain the Ascendant so far, as to take our Turns in the
 
 The Parliament of Women. 2 1 r 
 
 Administration of the publick Offices ; but, I mean, only 
 those that can be managed at Home, and without Arms. 
 These are the chief Heads of the Matters, which, in my 
 Opinion, deserve our Deliberation. Let every one here de- 
 liberate with herself upon these Matters, that an Act may 
 be passed concerning every one of them ; and if any one 
 shall think of any Thing else, that is necessary to be de- 
 bated, let her communicate it to Morrow : For we will sit de 
 die in diem till we have concluded the Session. Let us have 
 four Clerks, that may take down our Speeches ; and two 
 Chair- Women, who shall have the Power of giving Liberty 
 to Speak, and of enjoining Silence : And let this Meeting 
 be a Sample of what may be expected hereafter.
 
 212 
 
 DILUCULUM: Or, The EARLY 
 RISING. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 This Colloquy is a very learned Chastisement of Sloth, 
 and an Incitement to honest Studies. A Joke of 
 Nasica, to whom Ennius'^ Maid- Servant, by her 
 Master s Order, told that he was not at Home. 
 Philypnus was fast asleep after Eight a Clock in 
 the Morning, having sat up till Midnight, feasting, 
 gaming, and talking merrily. Nephalius persuades 
 him to rise sooner in a Morning. The Morning is 
 the golden Part of the Day. The Sun does not 
 shine for Men to sleep by it. The Soul is rather to 
 be taken Care of than the Body. Tlie Life of Man 
 is a Time of watching. It is in our own Power to 
 lengthen out our Lives. It is not wholsome to study 
 presently after Dinner. We must leave off an evil 
 Habit. 
 
 NEPHALIUS and PHILYPNUS. 
 
 J\JE- I wou'd have been glad to have met with you to Day, 
 Philypnus ; but your Servants deny'd that you were at 
 Home. 
 
 Ph. They did not tell you altogether false ; I was not at 
 Home, indeed, to you ; but I was never more at Home to 
 myself. 
 
 Ne. What Riddle is this ? 
 
 Ph. You know the old Proverb, / don't sleep to all : Nor
 
 The Early Rising. 213 
 
 can you forget that pleasant Joke of Nasica ; to whom, 
 when he would have visited his old Friend Ennius, the Maid, 
 by her Master's Command, deny'd him to be at Home. 
 Nasica perceiv'd how Matters went, and departed. After- 
 wards Ennius, in his Turn, entering the House of Nasica, 
 asks the Boy whether his Master was within or not : Nasica 
 cries aloud from an inner Room, saying, / am not at Home. 
 Ennius, knowing his Voice, cries, A rt thou not an impudent 
 Fellow ? Dost think I don't know thee when thou speak 'st ? 
 Rather you, says Nasica, are the more impudent, who won't 
 give Credit to me myself, when I belief d your Servant. 
 
 Ne. Perhaps you were very busy. 
 
 Ph. No, in Troth, I was most pleasantly at Leisure. 
 
 Ne. Again you perplex me with Riddles. 
 
 Ph. Why, then I'll speak plainly, and not call any Thing 
 out of its Name. 
 
 Ne. Say on. 
 
 Ph. In short, I was fast asleep. 
 
 Ne. What say'st thou ? what at past 8 ? when the Sun 
 rises this Month before 4. 
 
 Ph. The Sun is very welcome to rise at Midnight, for all 
 me ; truly I love to sleep my Belly-full. 
 
 Ne. But was this by Accident, or is it your common 
 Custom ? 
 
 Ph. Why, truly I'm pretty much us'd to it. 
 
 Ne. But the Habit of Evil is most pernicious. 
 
 Ph. There's no Sleep so pleasant as after Sun-rising. 
 
 Ne. Prithee, at what Hour do you use to leave your Bed ? 
 
 Ph. Why, some Time betwixt Four and Nine. 
 
 Ne. A very pretty Space of Time, truly ! a Woman of 
 Quality is scarce so long a dressing. But how came you 
 into this agreeable Method ? 
 
 Ph. Because we us'd to spend most Part of the Night in 
 good Eating and Drinking, Play, Merriment, and what not ; 
 and this Expence we repair by a good sound Sleep in the 
 Morning. 
 
 Ne. I scarce ever saw a Prodigal more undone than thee.
 
 214 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ph. It seems to me rather Parsimony than Profuseness ; 
 for in the mean Time, I neither burn my Candles, nor wear 
 out my Cloaths. 
 
 Ne. Ridiculous Parsimony ! to destroy Jewels that thou 
 may'st preserve Glass. The Philosopher was of quite 
 another Opinion, who, being ask'd what was the most pre- 
 cious Thing, reply'd Time. Moreover, when it plainly ap- 
 pears, that the Morning is the best Part of the whole Day, 
 you delight to destroy the preciousest Part of the most pre- 
 cious Thing. 
 
 Ph. Is that destroy'd which is giv'n to the Body ? 
 
 Ne. 'Tis rather taking away from the Body ; which is then 
 best affected, most lusty and strong, when 'tis refresh'd by 
 timely and moderate Sleep, and corroborated by early 
 Rising. 
 
 Ph. But 'tis a pure pleasant Thing to sleep. 
 
 Ne. What can be pleasant to him who has no Sense of 
 any Thing ? 
 
 Ph. Why, that alone is pleasing, to have no Sense of 
 Trouble. 
 
 Ne. At this Rate, those are most happy who sleep in their 
 Graves ; for they are never disturbed with troublesome 
 Dreams. 
 
 Ph. They say, the Body is fed very much by Sleep. 
 
 Ne. This is the Food of Dormice, and not of Men. The 
 Beasts, who are made only to eat, are cramm'd very fitly ; 
 but how does it relate to a Man to heap up Fat, unless that 
 he may trudge on under the greater Burden ? Tell me now, 
 if you had a Servant, wou'd you have him fat and lumpish, 
 or gay and sprightly, apt for any Employment ? 
 
 Ph. But I am no Servant. 
 
 Ne. No Matter ; 'tis enough for me, that you had rather 
 have one alert, and fit for Business, than a Fellow stoutly 
 cramm'd. 
 
 Ph. Certainly I wou'd. 
 
 Ne. Now, Plato says, The Mind of a Man is the Man ; 
 tJie Body nothing more tJian the Mansion or Instrument.
 
 The Early Rising. 2 1 5 
 
 You'll certainly confess, I suppose, the Soul to be the prin- 
 cipal Part of a Man ; the Body, only the Attendant of the 
 Mind. 
 
 Ph. Be it so, if you will. 
 
 Ne. Since then thou wou'dst not have a Belly-Gut for 
 thy Servant, but rather one brisk and agile'; why then dost 
 thou provide for thy Mind a Minister fat and unwieldy? 
 
 Ph. I yield to Truth. 
 
 Ne. Now see another Misfortune. As the Mind far excels 
 the Body ; so you'll confess, that the Riches of the Mind far 
 exceed the Goods of the Body. 
 
 Ph. What you say is very probable. 
 
 Ne. But amongst all the Goods of the Mind, Wisdom 
 holds the chief Place. 
 
 Ph. I confess it. 
 
 Ne. For obtaining this, no Time is more fit than the 
 Morning, when the new-rising Sun gives fresh Vigour and 
 Life to all Things, and dispels those Fumes which are ex- 
 haled from the Stomach ; which are wont to cloud the Man- 
 sion of the Mind. 
 
 Ph. I don't deny it. 
 
 Ne. Now, do but consider what a Share of Learning you 
 might obtain in those four Hours which you consume in un- 
 seasonable Sleep. 
 
 Ph. Truly, a great Share ! 
 
 Ne. I have experienc'd that more may be done at Study 
 in one Hour in the Morning, than in three after Noon ; and 
 that without any Detriment to the Body. 
 
 Ph. I have heard as much. 
 
 Ne. Consider this further : If you should bring into a gross 
 Sum the Loss of each particular Day, what a vast Deal 
 would it amount to ! 
 
 Ph. A great Deal indeed ! 
 
 Ne. He who heedlessly confounds Money and Jewels, is 
 deem'd a Prodigal, and has a Guardian appointed him : 
 Now, he who destroys these so much more precious Goods, 
 is not he a Prodigal of a far deeper Dye ?
 
 2 1 6 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ph. Certainly 'tis so, if we rightly weigh the Matter. 
 
 Ne. Consider further what Plato writes, That there is no- 
 thing fairer, nothing more amiable than Wisdom ; which, if 
 it could be seen by corporeal Eyes, would raise to itself an in- 
 credible Number of Admirers. 
 
 Ph. But she is not capable of being seen. 
 
 Ne. I own she is not with corporeal Eyes ; but she is to 
 be seen with the Eyes of the Mind, which is the better Part 
 of Man. And where the Love is incredible, there must 
 necessarily be the highest Pleasure, as often as the Mind 
 enjoys so pleasing a Mistress. 
 
 Ph. What you say is very probable. 
 
 Ne. Go now, if you think good, and barter this Enjoyment 
 for Sleep, that Image of Death. 
 
 PJi. But in the mean Time I lose my dear nocturnal Sports. 
 
 Ne. Those Things are well lost, which being worst are 
 changed for the best, shameful for honourable, most vile for 
 the most precious. He has happily lost his Lead who has 
 changed it into Gold. Nature has appointed the Night for 
 Sleep ; the Sun arising recalls all the animal Species, and 
 especially Men, to their several Offices. They who sleep, 
 (saith St Paul} sleep in the Night ; and they who are 
 drunken, are drunken in the Night. Therefore, what can 
 be more unseemly, than, when all Animals rouze with the 
 Sun, nay, some even before his Appearance, and as it were 
 with a Song salute his coming ; when the Elephant adores 
 the rising Sun ; Man only shou'd lie snoring long after his 
 Rising. As often as his golden Rays enlighten thy Cham- 
 ber, does he not seem thus to upbraid thee, as thou liest 
 sleeping? Fool! why dost thou delight to destroy tlie best 
 Part of thy Life? I shine not for this Purpose, that you may 
 hide yourselves and sleep ; but that you may attend your honest 
 Employments. No Man lights a Lamp to sleep by, but that 
 he may pursue some Sort of Labour ; and by this Lamp, the 
 fairest, the most refulgent of all Lamps, wretched Thou dost 
 nothing but snore. 
 
 Ph. You declaim smartly.
 
 The Early Rising. 2 1 7 
 
 Ne. Not smartly, but truly. Come on, you have often 
 heard that of Hesiod, 'Tzs too late to spare when all is spent. 
 
 Ph. Very frequently ; for in the Middle of the Pipe, the 
 Wine is best. 
 
 Ne. But in Life the first Part, that is to say, Youth is best. 
 
 Ph. Verily, so it is. 
 
 Ne. And the Morning is the same to the Day, as Youth 
 is to Life. Do not they then act foolishly, who spend their 
 Youth in Trifles, and their Morning Hours in Sleep ? 
 
 Ph. So it appears. 
 
 Ne. Is there any Possession which may be compared with 
 a Man's Life ? 
 
 Ph. No, not the whole Persian Treasure. 
 
 Ne. Wou'dst thou not vehemently hate the Man, that by 
 evil Arts cou'd and wou'd curtail thy Years, and shorten thy 
 Thread of Life ? 
 
 Ph. I'd rather do my Endeavour to destroy his Life. 
 
 Ne. But I deem those far worse, and more guilty, who 
 voluntarily render their own Lives shorter. 
 
 Ph. I confess it, if any such are to be found. 
 
 Ne. To be found ! 'Tis what all, who are like thee, do. 
 
 Ph. Good Words, Man. 
 
 Ne. The best. Thus consider with your own Self, whether 
 Pliny has spoken justly or not, when he says, All Life is one 
 continued Watching, and he lives most, who employs the great- 
 est Part of his Time in Study ? For Sleep is a Kind of Death ; 
 therefore the Poets feign it to come from the infernal Shades ; 
 and it iscall'd by Homer, the Cousin-German of Death ; and 
 so, those who sleep can scarce be number'd either amongst 
 the Dead or Living ; but of the two, they seem most pro- 
 perly nam'd amongst the Dead. 
 
 Ph. I am intirely of your Opinion. 
 
 Ne. Now tell me fairly, how much of Life do they cut off, 
 who every Day destroy three or four Hours in Sleep ? 
 
 Ph. Truly, a vast Deal. 
 
 Ne. Would not you esteem him as a God, if there were an 
 Alchymist, who cou'd find a Way to add ten Years to the
 
 218 Colloquies of Erasimis. 
 
 Length of your Life, and when you are advanc'd in Years, 
 reduce you to Youth and Vigour ? 
 
 Ph. Ay, why should I not ? 
 
 Ne. And this so divine Blessing, thou may'st obtain from 
 thy own Self. 
 
 Ph. Which Way ? 
 
 Ne. Because the Morning is the vigorous Youth of the 
 Day ; this Youth flourishes till Noon ; the Evening succeeds 
 by the Name of Old-Age ; and call Sun-set the Article of 
 Death. Frugality is a handsome Income, and never more 
 necessary than in this Case. Now, has he not been a great 
 Gainer, who has avoided losing the greatest and best Part 
 of Life ? 
 
 Ph. All these Things are too true. 
 
 Ne. How intolerably impudent then must they seem, who 
 accuse Nature, and complain that the Life of Man is short 
 and little, when they themselves voluntarily cut off so great 
 a Part of that little which Nature gave ? Life is long enough, 
 if Men would but use it prudently. Nor has he made a 
 small Progress, who knows how to do every Thing in Season. 
 After Dinner, we are scarce half Men, when the Body loaded 
 with Meats, burdens and oppresses the Mind ; nor is it safe 
 to excite, or draw up the Spirits from Nature's Kitchen, the 
 Stomach, where they are employ'd in the Business of Con- 
 coction. After Supper, much less. But in the Morning a 
 Man is effectually, and all a Man, when his Body is apt and 
 fit for every Employment ; when the Soul is active, and in 
 full Force ; and all the Organs of the Mind serene, and in 
 Tranquillity ; whilst it breathes a Part of that divine Flatus 
 (as one says,) has a Relish of its great Original, and is rapt, 
 or hurried on to commendable Actions. 
 
 Ph. Truly, you harangue very elegantly. 
 
 Ne. Agamemnon, in Homer, tells us, 'Tis unbecoming a 
 Man of Counsel to sleep the whole Night. How much greater 
 then the Fault, to spend so much of the Day in Sleep ? 
 
 Ph. True ; but this has Respect to a Man of Counsel. I 
 am no General of an Army.
 
 The Early Rising. 2 1 9 
 
 Ne. If there is any Thing more dear to you than yourself, 
 don't be mov'd, or affected by this Opinion of Homer. A 
 Brasier will rise before 'tis Light, only in Hopes of some poor 
 Advantage. And has not the Love of Wisdom Power to 
 rouze and stir us up, that we may at least hear the approach- 
 ing Sun calling us forth to Profit inestimable ? Physicians 
 rarely give Physick but in the Morning. They know the 
 Golden Hours, in which they may assist the Body ; and 
 shall we be ignorant of those precious Hours, in which we 
 may heal and enrich the Mind ? Now, if these Things are 
 of small Weight with you, hear what Solomon says. Wis- 
 dom, heavenly Wisdom herself speaks, They who seek me 
 early, shall find me. So in the holy Psalms what Praise 
 and Commendation is there of the Morning Seasons. In 
 the Morning the Prophet extols the Mercy of the Lord ; in 
 the Morning his Voice is heard ; his Prayers come before 
 God in the Morning. And, according to Luke the Evan- 
 gelist, TJie People, seeking from the Lord Cure and Instruc- 
 tion, flockd together to him early in the Morning. Why 
 dost thou sigh, Philypnus ? 
 
 Ph. I can scarce refrain weeping, when I consider what 
 a Waste I have made of Life. 
 
 Ne. Tis all in Vain to torment yourself about those Things 
 which cannot be recall'd, but may nevertheless be repair'd 
 in Time to come. Apply yourself to this ; rather than in 
 vainly deploring what is past, lose also some Part of the 
 future. 
 
 Ph. You advise well. But long Habit has intirely over- 
 come me. 
 
 Ne. Phy ! One Nail drives out another ; and Custom is 
 overcome by Custom. 
 
 Ph. But 'tis difficult to forego those Things to which we 
 have been long accustom'd. 
 
 Ne. In the Beginning, I grant ; but a different Habit first 
 lessens the Uneasiness, anon changes it into the highest 
 Pleasure ; so that it won't repent you to have undergone a 
 short Discipline.
 
 22O Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ph. I am afraid 'twill never succeed. 
 
 Ne. Why, truly, if you were seventy Years of Age, I would 
 not attempt to draw you from your wonted Course ; but, if 
 I guess right, you are scarce seventeen ; and what is there 
 that that Age is not able to overcome, if there be but a 
 willing Mind ? 
 
 Ph. I will attempt it, and endeavour of a Philypnus to 
 be made a Philologus, of a Lover of Sleep, a Lover of 
 Learning. 
 
 Ne. If you do this, my Philypnus, I am very well satisfied, 
 after a few Days, you will congratulate yourself, and give 
 me Thanks who advis'd you.
 
 221 
 
 NH&AAION 5TMIIOSION. 
 The SOBER FEAST. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 The Sober Feast produces Symbols (Motto 's, Devices) 
 learned Arguments, and other curious Things. The 
 Patience of Phocion. The Justice of Aristides, who 
 was forced away (from his own Country) by the 
 Ostracism : His great Patience. Socrates, a very 
 patient Man. The Way of overcoming Injuries. 
 The Patience 0/~Cato. How Diogenes avenged him- 
 self upon an Enemy. The Saying of Phocion, when 
 he had defended a wicked Man by his Patrociny. 
 Demochares, the Nephew of Demosthenes, treats 
 Philip0/~Macedon unhandsomly. The Way of getting 
 a good Name. The witty Answer of a certain La- 
 conian Damsel, when she was selling in an Auction. 
 The Moderation of Philip of Macedon, when three 
 great Felicities befel him upon one and the same 
 Day. 
 
 ALBERT, BARTHOLINE, CHARLES, DEN- 
 NIS, jEMILIUS, FRANCIS, GYRALDUS, 
 JEROM, JAMES, LAURENCE. 
 
 AL. Did you ever, in your Life, see any Thing more plea- 
 sant than this Garden ? 
 
 Ba. I scarce think that there is a pleasanter Spot of 
 Ground in all the fortunate Islands.
 
 222 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ch. I can't but fancy myself viewing that Paradise that 
 God plac'd Adam. in. 
 
 Den. Even a Nestor or a Priamus might grow young again, 
 if they were here. 
 
 Fr. Nay, if a Man was dead, it would fetch him to Life 
 again. 
 
 Gy. If it was possible I would add to your Hyperbole. 
 
 Jer. Upon my Word, all Things look wonderful Pleasant. 
 
 Ja. In short, this Garden ought to be dedicated with a 
 drinking Match. 
 
 La. Our Janres speaks much to the Purpose. 
 
 A I. This Place has been formerly initiated with such Cere- 
 monies. But I would have you observe by the Way, that I 
 have nothing here to make you a Dinner, except you'll be 
 content with a Collation without Wine. I'll treat you with 
 Lettices without either Salt, Vinegar, or Oil ; here's not a 
 Drop of Wine, but what flows out of this Fountain. I have 
 here neither Bread (to eat with the Sallad) nor Cup (to drink 
 out of.) And the Season of the Year is such, that it is more 
 proper for feeding the Eyes than the Belly. 
 
 Ba. But I suppose you have gotten playing Tables, or 
 Bowls, we'll dedicate the Garden with Playing, if we can't 
 with Feasting. 
 
 A I. Since there is such a Set of jolly Fellows of us met 
 together, I have something to propose, as to the Consecra- 
 tion of the Garden, that, I am of Opinion, you'll confess is 
 far before either Gaming or Banquetting. 
 
 Ch. What's that ? 
 
 Al. Let every one furnish his Quota, and I dare engage 
 we shall have a noble and delicate Feast. 
 
 ALm. What can we furnish, that are come hither unpro- 
 vided ? 
 
 Al. Unprovided, who have your Intellectuals so well fur- 
 nished ! 
 
 Fr. We long to hear what you would be at. 
 
 AL Let every one produce the neatest Observation, that 
 his Week's Reading has furnished him with.
 
 The Sober Feast. 223 
 
 Gy. Very well proposed ; nothing can be more agreeable 
 to such Guests, such an Entertainment, and such a Place. 
 Do you begin, we'll all follow you. 
 
 Al. If you agree to it, I won't stick out. I was mightily 
 pleased to Day to find so Christian-like a Sentence in a 
 Man who was no Christian ; it was that of Pkocion, a Man, 
 than whom there was not a more divine one, nor more re- 
 gardful of the publick Utility in all Athens. When he had 
 been invidiously sentenc'd to Death, and was about to drink 
 his Poison, being ask'd by his Friends, what Message he had 
 to send to his Children ; he answered, he only requir'd of 
 them, that they would ever banish this Injury out of their 
 Memories. 
 
 Ba. You will scarce find an Example of such notable Pa- 
 tience amongst either the Dominicans or Franciscans. And 
 I'll present you with one Instance that is something like 
 this, tho' it does not come up to it. Aristides was very like 
 Pkocion for Integrity, so that the common People gave him 
 the Surname of the Just ; which Appellation raised him so 
 much Envy, that this good Man, that deserv'd so well of the 
 Common- Wealth, was banish'd for ten Years from his native 
 Country. When he understood that the People was offended 
 at nothing but that Appellation, tho' that had always been 
 to their Advantage, he patiently submitted. Being in 
 Banishment, his Friends asking him what Punishment he 
 wish'd to the ungrateful City, he reply'd, / wish them nothing, 
 but so much Prosperity ', that they may never once remember 
 Aristides. 
 
 Ch. I wonder that Christians are not asham'd of them- 
 selves, that are in a Rage upon the Occasion of every trifling 
 Affront, and will have Revenge, cost it what it will. The 
 whole Life of Socrates, in my Opinion, is but one continued 
 Example of Temperance and Patience. And that I may not 
 be scot-free, I'll mention one Instance that pleases me above 
 the rest. As he was going along the King's Highway, a 
 saucy Fellow hit him a Slap on the Face ; Socrates said no- 
 thing to him, but his Friends that were with him, advised
 
 224 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 him to be reveng'd on him. To which he reply'd, What 
 wotdd you have me do to him ? They reply'd, A rrest him in 
 an Action of Assault and Battery. A foolish Story indeed, 
 says he ; What, says he, suppose an Ass had given me a Kick, 
 must I sue him upon the same Action, and subpoena you for 
 Evidences of the Injury offered f intimating, that that saucy 
 Fellow was no better than an Ass ; and that it was the Part 
 of a mean Soul, not to be able to bear such an Affront from 
 a Numb'd-Skull, as he would from a brute Animal. 
 
 Den. The Roman History is not so well stored with In- 
 stances of Moderation, nor so remarkable ; for in my 
 Opinion, he does not deserve the Praise of Moderation, that 
 strenuously labours to bring haughty Persons under Subjec- 
 tion, and then spares them when they are in his Power : But 
 yet I think it deserves to be related, what Cato the Elder 
 said, when Lentulus spit in his Face, and threw Snot in it. 
 He said nothing to him but this, Hereafter I shall have an 
 Answer ready for them that shall say, you are a Man that 
 have no Mouth (Os) for the Latins us'd to say, that he that 
 has no Shame in him, has no Os ; so that the Joke depends 
 upon the double Meaning of Os (which signifies the Mouth 
 and the Countenance.) 
 
 ALm. One Man is pleas'd with one Thing, and another 
 with another. But among Diogenes 's Sayings, which are all 
 excellent ones, none charms me more than the Answer he 
 made to one that ask'd him, What was the best Way to be 
 revenged on an Enemy ? Says he, By approving yourself an 
 honest good Man. I can't but admire how so divine a Thought 
 could ever come into his Mind. And, methinks, the Saying 
 of Aristotle is agreeable to St. Paul's Notion; who being 
 ask'd by a certain Person, What Advantage his Philosophy 
 afforded him, answered him, That by Reason of it, he did 
 those Things voluntarily, which other Persons did by Con- 
 straint, and for Fear of the Law : For St. Paul teaches, that 
 those that are endued with the Love of Christ, are not un- 
 der the Subjection of the Law, in that they do more of their 
 own Accord, than the Law can influence them to do for 
 Fear of Punishment.
 
 The SoSer Feast. 225 
 
 Fr. Our Saviour, when the Jews murmured against him, 
 because he had Communion at the Table with Publicans and 
 Sinners, answered them, The whole have not need of a Phy- 
 sician, but those that are sick. That which Phocion in Plu- 
 tarch wittily answer'd, when he was reprehended because he 
 had patronized a Person infamous, and of an ill Character, 
 is not very different from this : Why sJiould I not, says he, 
 when no good Man stands in Need of such a Patronage f 
 
 Gy. That is a Pattern of Christian Goodness, and accord- 
 ing to the Example of God himself, to do Good both to good 
 and bad, as much as may be ; For he causes his Sun to 
 shine upon the just and unjust. And perhaps an Example 
 of Moderation in a King will be more admirable. When 
 Demochares, the Nephew of DemostJienes, was sent Ambas- 
 sador to Philip King of Macedon ; and having obtain'd of 
 him what he desired, being about to have his Audience of 
 Leave, was courteously ask'd by the King, if there was any 
 Thing else he requested of him ; he answered, Yes, that he 
 would hang himself. This unhandsome Answer was an Ar- 
 gument of Hatred : He to whom this Affront was offered 
 was a King, and a worthy one too ; but for all that, he did 
 not fall into a Passion, but only turning to the Ambassador's 
 Retinue, said, Do you report this to the People of Athens, and 
 then let them judge, wJdch has the greater Soul of the two, I 
 who heard this patiently, or he who spoke it saucily. Where are 
 now our Monarchs, who think themselves equal to the Gods 
 themselves ; and for a single Word spoken over a Glass of 
 Wine, will immediately wage War ? 
 
 Jer. The Thirst of Glory is very impetuous, and many 
 are carry'd away by the Violence of it. One of that Number 
 put the Question to Socrates, Which was the shortest Way 
 to get a good Reputation ? To whom he answer'd, If you 
 shall behave yourself like such an one as you would be ac- 
 counted to be. 
 
 Ja. In Troth I don't know what could be said more con- 
 cisely and to the Purpose. A good Name is not to be ob- 
 tain'd by wishing for, but is a Concomitant of Virtue, as 
 
 VOL. II. P
 
 226 Colloquies o'f Erasmus. 
 
 Infamy is of Improbity. You have been admiring of Men ; 
 but the Laconian Maid charm'd me, who being to be sold at 
 a Sale, the Person who was to buy her, came to her, and 
 ask'd her, If I buy you, will you be honest f She answered, 
 Yes, I will, whetJieryou buy me or not ; intimating, that she 
 retain'd an Affection to Honesty, not upon the Account of 
 any other Person, but was honest of her own Inclination, 
 and upon this Notion, that Virtue was its own Reward. 
 
 La. A very manly Saying, indeed, for a Maid ! But after 
 all, this, in my Opinion, is an Example of Constancy against 
 Fortune, flattering to the utmost Degree ; That when three 
 extraordinary Felicities were related to Philip of Macedon 
 on the same Day; That he had won the Prize in the Olympic 
 Games, that his General Pannenio had overcome the Dar- 
 dans in a Battle, and that his Wife Olympia was brought to 
 Bed of a Son ; lifting his Hands up to Heaven, he pray'd 
 that God would be pleas'd that so mighty a Prosperity might 
 be expiated by a small Adversity. 
 
 Al. Now-a-Days there is no Prosperity so great, that any 
 one fears the Invidiousness of Fortune ; but is so puffed up, 
 if any good Luck happens to him, as if Nemesis were either 
 dead, or at least deaf. Well, if you like this Dinner, this 
 Garden shall entertain you as often as you will, since you 
 have consecrated it with this Conversation, that is no less 
 pleasant than profitable. 
 
 Ba. In short, Apitius himself could not have furnish'd a 
 more dainty Entertainment ; so that if you like what we 
 have brought, you may depend upon our Company often, 
 which Things indeed are not worth your hearing, but are 
 such as came into our Minds without any Premeditation : 
 But when we have Time to think before-Hand, we'll afford 
 you something more exquisite. 
 
 AL You shall be so much the more welcome.
 
 227 
 
 The NOTABLE ART. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Ars notoria derides the vain Boastingness of a bold 
 Pretence of a certain Book, promising the Knowledge 
 of Languages and Science in fourteen Days Time. 
 A good Apprehension and Method is tlte most com- 
 pendious Way to attain Arts, (i.) To love Studies. 
 (2.) To admire them. (3.) To take Notice when 
 Honour is done to Men of Learning. Those that 
 have not a retentive Memory, must follow their Stu- 
 dies the more closely, (i.) Let it be your first Care 
 throughly to apprehend the Matter. (2.) To repeat 
 it over with yourself. (3.) To render the Mind tame, 
 tJiat it may dwell upon Thought ; for a fickle Mind 
 is unfit for Literature. (4.) To keep Company with 
 learned Men. In a Word, Care, Love, and As- 
 siduity are the best Arts of helping tlie Memory. 
 
 DESIDERIUS, ERASMIUS. 
 
 7~)E. How do you succeed in your Studies, Erasmins ? 
 
 Er. But very slowly ; but I should make a better Pro- 
 ficiency, if I could obtain one Thing of you. 
 
 De. You may obtain any Thing of me, provided it be for 
 your Good ; do but tell me what it is. 
 
 Er. I believe there is nothing of the most hidden Arts, 
 but what you are acquainted with. 
 De. I wish I were. 
 Er. I am told there is a certain compendious Art, that
 
 228 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 will help a Man to accomplish himself with all the liberal 
 Sciences by a very little Labour. 
 
 De. What is that you talk of ? Did you ever see the 
 Book ? 
 
 Er. I did see it, and that was all, having no Body to in- 
 struct me in the Use of it. 
 
 De. What was the Subject of the Book ? 
 
 Er. It treated of various Forms of Dragons, Lions, Leo- 
 pards ; and various Circles, and Words written in them^ 
 some in Greek, some in Latin, and some in Hebrew, and 
 other barbarous Languages. 
 
 De. Pray, in how many Days Time did the Title-Page 
 promise you the Knowledge of the Arts and Sciences ? 
 
 Er. In fourteen. 
 
 De. In Truth a very noble Promise. But did you ever 
 know any Body that has become learned by that notable 
 Art? 
 
 Er. No. 
 
 De. No, nor no Body ever did, or ever will, till we can see 
 an Alchymist grow rich. 
 
 Er. Why, is there no such Art then ? I wish with all my 
 Heart there was. 
 
 De. Perhaps you do, because you would not be at the 
 Pains which is requir'd to become learned. 
 
 Er. You are right. 
 
 De. It seem'd meet to the divine Being, that the common 
 Riches, Gold, Jewels, Silver, Palaces, and Kingdoms, should 
 be bestow'd on the slothful and undeserving ; but the true 
 Riches, and such as are properly our own, must be gotten 
 by Labour. Nor ought we to think that Labour trouble- 
 some, by which so valuable a Thing is procured ; when we 
 see a great many Men run thro' dreadful Dangers, and work 
 their Way thro' unimaginable Labours, to get temporary 
 Things, and such as are really vile too, if compar'd to Learn- 
 ing ; and do not always attain what they strive for neither. 
 But indeed the Pains that Studies cost, are mingled with a 
 great Deal of Sweetness, if you make but a little Proficiency
 
 The Notable Art. 229 
 
 in 'em. And again, it is for the most Part in your own 
 Power to cut off the greatest Part of the Tiresomness of at- 
 taining them. 
 
 Er. How is that to be done ? 
 
 De. In the first Place, by bringing your Mind to the Love 
 of Studies. And secondly to admire 'em. 
 
 Er. How must that be done ? 
 
 De. Consider how many Learning has enrich'd, how many 
 it has promoted to the highest Honours : Then again, con- 
 sider with yourself, how great the Difference is between a 
 Man and a Beast. 
 
 Er. You give very good Advice. 
 
 De. Then you ought to tame, and bring your Mind to be 
 consistent with itself; and to take Pleasure in those Things 
 that bring Profit rather than Pleasure. For those Things 
 that are honourable in themselves, altho' they are something 
 troublesome in the Beginning, yet they grow pleasant by 
 Use ; and by that Means you will give the Master less 
 Trouble, and you will more easily make a Progress ; accord- 
 ing to the Saying of Isocrates, which deserves to be written 
 in Gold Letters on the Cover of your Book ; 'Eav 37? 
 <f>i\o/j,aOr)$ ecrrj 7ro\vfui0ij<;, If tJwu be desirous to learn, thou 
 shalt learn many Things well. 
 
 Er. I am quick enough at Apprehension, but I presently 
 forget what I have learned. 
 
 De. Then you tell me your Vessel is leaky. 
 
 Er. You're much about the Matter ; but what Remedy is 
 there for it ? 
 
 De. Why, you must stop the Chinks that it don't run out. 
 
 Er. What must I stop 'em with ? 
 
 De. Not with Moss, nor Mortar, but with Diligence. He 
 that learns Words, and does not understand the Meaning of 
 'em, soon forgets 'em ; For Words, as Homer says, have 
 Wings, and easily fly away, unless they be kept down by the 
 Weight of the Meaning. Therefore let it be your first Care 
 thoroughly to understand the Meaning of them, and then 
 frequently revolve them in your Mind, and repeat them ;
 
 230 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 and then, as I have said, you ought to break your Mind, 
 that it may be able to use Application as often as is neces- 
 sary ; for that Mind that is so wild, that it can't be brought 
 to this, is not fit for Learning. 
 
 Er. I know too well how hard a Matter that is. 
 
 De. Whosoever has so voluble a Mind, that it cannot fix 
 itself upon any Thought, he neither can attend long on the 
 Person teaching, nor fix what he has learn'd in the Memory. 
 An Impression may be made even upon Lead, because it 
 is fixed ; but no Impression can be set upon Water or 
 Quicksilver, because they are fluid. But if you can but bring 
 your Mind to this, if you converse constantly with Men of 
 Learning, whose Discourses do daily produce so many 
 Things worthy Notice, you may learn a great Deal with 
 but little Pains. 
 
 Er. That is very right. 
 
 De. For besides the Table-Talk, their daily Conversation 
 after Dinner, you hear eight fine Sentences, collected out of 
 the most approv'd Authors ; and after Supper as many. 
 Now do but reckon up what a Sum this will amount to in a 
 Month, and how many more in a Year. 
 
 Er. A very large Sum, if I could but remember them all. 
 
 De. And then, again, when you hear nothing but true 
 Latin spoken, what hinders you, but that you may learn 
 Latin in a very few Months, when Lads, who have no Learn- 
 ing, do learn the French or Spanish Tongue in a very little 
 Time ? 
 
 Er. I will take your Course, and try whether I can bring 
 this Mind of mine to submit to the Yoke of the Muses. 
 
 De. I know no other notable Art, but Industry, Delight, 
 and Assiduity.
 
 The SERMON, or MERDARDUS. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Here Erasmus inveighs against a certain Franciscan, 
 whom he calls (Merdardus) a skit ten Divine, that 
 had carp' d at his Version of the Virgin Mary 's Song 
 call'd Magnificat. He describes tlie Mans Person 
 who /tad call'd Erasmus Devil, and cavilfd at his 
 translating it, quia respexit Dominus ad humilita- 
 tem ancillse suse, when the Virgin Mary was higher 
 in Dignity than the Angels. Whether ornotvUites 
 answers to 777 rcnreivoxret. Respicere ad and aspicere, 
 wherein they differ. Respicere aliquem and Res- 
 picere ad aliquem. Humilitas is usdby the Latins, 
 as well in Respect to the Mind, as the Condition. 
 The Place in Col. ii. 18. is explained, as also James 
 i. 9, 10. The Difference between raTreiWcri? and 
 TaTreivQMfrpoo-vvr). The Tenor q/ the Song itself shews 
 that the Virgin speaks of her own Unworthiness, 
 which Erasmus elegantly explains. The stupid Ig- 
 norance of the Monks, who say Vestimenta for 
 Vestes. A Crew of saucy Knaves, that make even 
 Kings stand in Awe of them. 
 
 HILARY and LEVINUS. 
 
 T-TIL. Good God ! What Monsters there are in the World ! 
 What, Men in holy Orders to be asham'd of nothing ! 
 why certainly they think they are talking to Mushrooms, 
 and not to Men.
 
 232 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. What's that which Hilary mutters to himself ? I 
 fancy he's making Verses. 
 
 Nil. What would I give, had I but the stopping of that 
 Babbler's nasty Mouth with a Turd ? 
 
 Lev. I'll speak to him. How now ? what, Hilary not 
 merry! 
 
 Hit. You're come in very good Time, Levinus, for me to 
 discharge myself of this Uneasiness too. 
 
 Lev. If you discharge your Stomach, I had rather you 
 should do it into a Bason than upon me. But prithee, what's 
 the Matter, and where have you been ? 
 
 Hit. Been ! I have been hearing a Sermon. 
 
 Lev. But what should a Poet concern himself with Ser- 
 mons for ? 
 
 Hit. I have no Aversion to holy Duties, but I have hap- 
 pen'd to drop into this Performance, which is to be call'd so 
 in the Sense that Virgil calls Avarice so : But it is such 
 Sort of Billingsgate Parsons as these, that are the Occasion 
 that I seldom go to Church. 
 
 Lev. But where was this Sermon preach'd ? 
 
 Nil. In the Cathedral. 
 
 Lev. What, in the Afternoon ? Men commonly take a 
 Nap after Dinner. 
 
 Hil. I wish all that were hearing that Babbler had been 
 asleep, for he was scarce fit to preach to a Flock of Geese. 
 
 Lev. A Goose is a noisy Creature. But they say St. Francis 
 once preach'd to a Sisterhood of little Birds, who heard him 
 with a great Deal of Attention. But prithee tell me, do they 
 use to preach on Saturdays ? 
 
 Hil. Yes, they do in Honour of the Virgin Mary ; for 
 Christ's Day is on Sunday, and it is meet the Mother should 
 be serv'd first. 
 
 Lev. What was the Text ? 
 
 Hil. He went thro* the Song of the Virgin Mary. 
 
 Lev. That's a very common Argument 
 
 Hil. The fitter for him that preach'd upon it, for I believe 
 he never learn'd any Argument but this ; as they say there
 
 The Sermon. 233 
 
 are some Priests who can say no Part of the Common 
 Prayer, but the Service for the Dead. 
 
 Lev. Well then, let him be call'd the Magnificat Preacher, 
 or if you will, the Magnificatarian. But what Sort of a 
 Fellow is he ? what Habit does he wear ? 
 
 Hil. He's a Wolf in Sheep's Cloathing. 
 
 Lev. What House did he come out of ? 
 
 Hil. The Franciscans. 
 
 Lev. How say you, a Franciscan ? what, one of that holy 
 Order ? It may be he is one of those that are call'd Gau- 
 dentes, that wear Garments of a brown Colour, whole Shoes, a 
 white Girdle ; and make no Scruple (I tremble to speak it) 
 to touch Money with their bare Fingers. 
 
 Hil. Nay, none of them, I'll assure you ; but of those that 
 call themselves Observants^ that wear Ash-colour'd Gar- 
 ments, Hempen Girdles, cut and slash'd Shoes, and would 
 rather commit Murder than touch Money without Gloves. 
 
 Lev. It is no strange Thing for a Nettle to grow in a 
 Rose-Bed ; but who brought this Fool upon the Stage ? 
 
 Hil. You'd say so the rather, if you were but to see the 
 Buffoon. He was a swindging great Fellow, with a red Face, 
 a paunch Gut, and a hopper Arse : You would take him to 
 be a Master of the Science, and one that I verily believe 
 drinks more than one Pint of Wine at a Meal. 
 
 Lev. But how can one come by so much Wine, that has 
 no Money to buy it ? 
 
 Hil. King Ferdinand allows them four Pints a Day out 
 of his Cellar. 
 
 Lev. A Bounty indeed very ill bestow'd : But it may be 
 he was a Man of Learning. 
 
 Hil. Nothing in the World but Impudence and Noise. 
 
 Lev. But how came Ferdinand to be so much out of the 
 Way, as to bestow his Bounty upon a Blockhead ? 
 
 Hil. Why, to tell you in brief, his pious Inclination and 
 bounteous Disposition led him aside ; he was recommended 
 to him, and he was one of them that carried his Head upon 
 his right Shoulder.
 
 234 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. So Christ hung upon the Cross. But was there a 
 great Auditory ? 
 
 Hil. How could it be otherwise at Augsburg, in the great 
 Church there, where there was so great a Concourse of Sove- 
 reign Princes, whom the Emperor diaries had drawn to- 
 gether from all Parts of Germany, Italy, Spain and England ? 
 And besides, there were a great many Men of Learning pre- 
 sent at the Sermon, especially of the Courtiers. 
 
 Lev. I should wonder if such a Swine should produce any 
 Thing worthy of such an Auditory. 
 
 Hil. I'll assure you he did produce a great many Things 
 worthy of himself. 
 
 Lev. What were they, prithee ? but first, pray tell me his 
 Name. 
 
 Hil. That is not convenient. 
 
 Lev. Why so, Hilary ? 
 
 Hil. I don't love to gratify such Fellows. 
 
 Lev. Prithee hold thy Tongue : Is that a gratifying of 
 them to expose 'em ? 
 
 Hil. It is the greatest Gratification in the World to them 
 to become noted, be it by what Means it will. 
 
 Lev. Well do but tell me the Name, I won't mention it 
 again. 
 
 Hil. He is call'd Merdardus. 
 
 Lev. Merdardus \ phoo, I know him very well ; he's the 
 very same Man that lately at an Entertainment call'd our 
 Erasmus a Devil. 
 
 Hil. He did so : but however, he was taken up for it ; for 
 those that were the most favourable to him, took it to be the 
 effect of his Wine, and look'd upon it accordingly. 
 
 Lev. But what Excuse had he when he was reprov'd for it ? 
 
 Hil. He said he did not speak it seriously. 
 
 Lev. Seriously ! how should he, when he had neither Se- 
 riousness nor Sense in him ? 
 
 Hil. But it is, in my Opinion, and also of all learned Men, 
 an unsufferable Thing, that this nasty Fellow should set 
 forth his nasty Ware so publickly, in so venerable a Place,
 
 TJie Sermon. 235 
 
 before such an Auditory, and in the hearing of so many 
 great Princes. 
 
 Lev. I am with Child to hear what it was he said. 
 
 Hit. He foolishly raved against our Erasmus, saying a 
 great many scurvy Things of him, the Substance of which 
 was as follows : There is, says he, in our Days a new up-start 
 Doctor call'd Erasmus: My Tongue fail'd me, I would have 
 said Asinus. Then he inform'd the People what Asinus sig- 
 nify'd in the German Tongue. 
 
 Lev . A very comical Fancy ! 
 
 Hil. Was it so very comical, do you think ? I think it was 
 rather very foolish. 
 
 Lev. Was it not very comical that such an Ass as he 
 should call any Body Ass, and much less Erasmus ? I am 
 confident, had Erasmus been there, he would not have for- 
 born laughing. 
 
 Hil. In Truth, he resembles an Ass as much by his Stu- 
 pidity, as he does by the Colour of his Cloaths. 
 
 Lev. I believe all Arcadia does not produce an Ass that 
 is so much of an Ass, or better deserves to be fed with Hay 
 than he does. 
 
 Hil. In short, he is Apuleius turn'd inside out ; for Apuleius 
 hid a Man under the Form of an Ass, but this Fellow hides 
 an Ass under the Shape of a Man. 
 
 Lev. In short, we make so many of these Asses pamper'd 
 with Wine and Dainties, that it's no Wonder if they bite and 
 kick all that come near them. 
 
 Hil. This Dr. Ass, says he, presumes to correct the Mag- 
 nificat, notwithstanding it is a Song of the holy Spirit's own 
 inditing, pronounced by the Mouth of the most holy Virgin 
 herself. 
 
 Lev. I know the Proverb of the Brothers. 
 
 Hil. And then he sets it out in Words, as tho' it was the 
 utmost Pitch of Blasphemy. 
 
 Lev. Now my Heart aches for Fear of the Crime com- 
 mitted. 
 
 Hil. Why, he said Erasmus had translated that which the
 
 236 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Church uses in the Litany in these Words : Quia respexit 
 Dominus humililatem ancillae suae, thus, Quia respexit vilita- 
 tem ancillae suae. Becait.se tJie Lord hath regarded tJie Low- 
 liness of his Handmaid ; he has translated it, TJie Lord 
 hath regarded t/te Vileness of his Handmaid. And that Word 
 sounds worse in High-Dutch, than it does in Latin. 
 
 Lev. Who will not own that it were a horrid Blasphemy 
 for any one to call the most holy Mother of Christ (who was 
 higher in Dignity than the Angels themselves) a vile Hand- 
 maid ? 
 
 Hil. Why, suppose any one should call the Apostles them- 
 selves unprofitable Servants ? 
 
 Lev. I would find Faggots to burn such a Blasphemer. 
 
 Hil. What if any one should say that famous Apostle 
 Paul was unworthy the Name of an Apostle ? 
 
 Lev. I would have him burnt for a Heretick. 
 
 Hil. And yet Christ himself, that Teacher who cannot be 
 refuted, taught his Apostles to speak after this Manner : 
 When yon Jiave done wJiatsoever is commanded you, say, We 
 are unprofitable Servants. And St. Paul, not unmindful of 
 this command, says of himself, / am t/te least of all the 
 Apostles, and not worthy tJie Name of an Apostle. 
 
 Lev. Ay, but when godly Men say such Things of them- 
 selves, it is their Modesty, than which nothing is more well- 
 pleasing to God : But if any Body else should say such 
 Things of them, especially such as are gone to Heaven, it 
 would be Blasphemy. 
 
 Hil. You have made out the Matter finely : then if Eras- 
 mus has said that the adorable Virgin was a vile Handmaid 
 of the Lord's, there is no Body but would say this was im- 
 piously spoken. But inasmuch as she speaks of herself after 
 that Manner, it is for her Glory, and furnishes us with an 
 Example of Modesty ; because as whatsoever we are, we are 
 by the Grace of God ; so the greater any Person is, the more 
 humbly he ought to behave himself. 
 
 Lev. I agree with you so far. But those Persons, when 
 they say they correct, intend to corrupt or falsify. But
 
 The Sermon. 237 
 
 then we ought to see, whether the Word vilitas answers to 
 the Greek Word that Luke made Use of. 
 
 Hil. For that very Purpose I made Haste from the Ser- 
 mon, to consult the Text. 
 
 Lev. Pray let me hear what you gather'd thence. 
 
 Hil. The Words which Luke, by the Inspiration of the 
 Holy Spirit, writ with his holy Fingers, are thus, <m eVe#- 
 \ojrei> 7rl rr)v ^rcnreivuHrw rrj<; 801^X779 avrov ; our Erasmus 
 has translated, Quia respexit ad humilitatem ancillae suae. 
 He only adds the Preposition, which Luke himself did not 
 leave out ; which is no inelegant Latin, nor is superfluous 
 as to the Sense. Terence in Phormio speaks in the same 
 Form, Respice ad me. But in the Annotations we find, Luke 
 rather said, aspice ad me, than respice ad me. 
 
 Lev. Why then, is there any Difference between respicere 
 and aspicere ? 
 
 Hil. Not very much, but there is some : He respicit, who, 
 turning his Head, looks at those Things that are behind 
 him ; He aspicit, who simply looks upon. As in Terence^ 
 Phcsdria looks upon Thais coming out of Doors, saying, 
 TotiiSj Parmeno, tremo horreoque postquam aspexi hanc. But 
 the Brother Chaerea speaks thus, Quum hue respicio ad vir- 
 ginem ; for he had turned himself toward the old Man, and 
 when he had done, turned his Body back again to the Maid. 
 But yet sometimes respicere is used, for to have Regard to, 
 or Care of any Thing, either coming on us, or that is present: 
 So the Satyrist uses it ; 
 
 Respicere extremae jussit spatia ultima vitae. 
 
 For Death follows us as pressing upon our Backs, at which 
 we look back as often as we think of it. And Terence says, 
 Respice senectutem tuam: Therefore he, that being intent 
 upon any Thing else, does not take Care of his Children, is 
 said illos non respicere : And on the other Hand, he that 
 throwing off other Cares, turns his Thoughts this Way, is 
 very elegantly said respicere. But God, at one View, sees 
 all Things past, present, and to come ; but yet in the holy 
 Scripture he speaks to us after the Manner of Men. He is
 
 238 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 said aver sari those whom he rejects, respicere those whom 
 he bestows his Favour upon, after having seemed to neglect 
 them for some Time. But Luke had expressed this more 
 fully, if he had said aire^\e-^ev ; now we read it eVe/3\e-/rei/: 
 but read which you will, the Sense is much the same. 
 
 Lev. But then the Preposition repeated seems to be super- 
 fluous. 
 
 Hil. It is certain the Latins speak in this Manner ; Ac- 
 cessit ad me; appulit animum ad scribendum. I don't think 
 the Preposition is superfluous in this Sentence : For he may 
 be said respicere, who happens to look back, directing his 
 Sight to no particular Object; but when it is expressed re- 
 spexit ad me, there is a peculiar Favour of the Person's being 
 willing to succour this or that Person expressed. So aspi- 
 cimus Things sometimes that come in the Way by Chance, 
 that we have no certain Care of, nay, even those Things 
 that we have no Mind to see : But whosoever ad aliquem 
 aspicit, is in a peculiar Manner attent to that which he be- 
 holds. And then again, aspicimus, we behold many Things 
 at once ; but not aspicimus, we have Regard to many Things 
 at once. Therefore, the Holy Spirit designing to signify to 
 us a singular Favour toward the Holy Virgin, thus expresses 
 it by her own Mouth, Quia respexit ad humilitatem ancillae 
 snae. He turns away his Eyes from those that are lifted up, 
 and great in their own Opinions, and fixes them upon her 
 who is very low in her own Eyes. Nor is it to be doubted, 
 but there were a great many learned, mighty, rich, and 
 noble Persons, who hoped for the Messiah to come of their 
 Stock : But, God despising them, turn'd the Eyes of his 
 most merciful Favour upon a Virgin of an obscure Character, 
 mean in the World, marry'd to a Carpenter, and not inrich'd 
 with any Off-spring. 
 
 Lev. But, I hear nothing all this While ofvilitas [Vileness.] 
 
 Hil. That was the Sycophant's own Word, and none of 
 Erasmus's. 
 
 Lev. But, perhaps, he uses the Word vilitas in the Anno- 
 tations.
 
 The Sermon. 239 
 
 Hit. No not at all. Indeed, upon the Word 
 he very modestly observes thus, Ut intelligas parvitatem, non 
 animi virtutem; sitque sensus: Etsi sim infima ancilla, tamen 
 non est aversatus me Dominus : That tJiou mayst understand 
 it of Meanness, not of the Virtue of the Mind ; and the 
 Meaning must be: Althd I be a very mean Handmaid, yet tJie 
 Lord hath not disdained me. 
 
 Lev. If this is true, and so pious, what is it that these 
 wild Asses bray at ? 
 
 Hit. Why, it is Ignorance of the Latin Tongue that makes 
 them cause this Disturbance. Humility, with the Antients, 
 who spoke most correctly, did not signify that Virtue of the 
 Mind that is opposite to Arrogance, and is call'd Modesty, 
 but a meaner Sort of Condition ; in that Sense that we call 
 ignoble, poor, private, and despised Persons, humiles, as if 
 we should say humi repentes. And, as when speaking to 
 great Personages, we say, We entreat your Highness to do 
 me the Favour ; so they, who speaking of themselves, would 
 extenuate their own Circumstances, use to say, We pray, 
 that out of your Humanity, you would assist our humilitatem 
 [low Estate.] For, the Emphasis of Pronouns Primitive 
 carries in it oftentimes a Sort of Arrogancy : As, I say, I 
 will cause. So that the Maiden two Ways very modestly both 
 extenuates her own Condition, and extols the Munificence 
 of the divine Being ; not being content to style herself a 
 Handmaid, but also a humble one, one of the meanest Cir- 
 cumstances. According to the old Proverb, There is Dif- 
 ference in Servants ; so in Maid-Servants, one is better than 
 another, as to the Dignity of their Office : A Waiting-Gen- 
 tlewoman is more honourable than a Laundry-Maid. 
 
 Lev. But I wonder that Merdardus should not be ac- 
 quainted with that Form of Expression, seeing I myself 
 have often heard the Franciscans thus speaking, meaparvitas 
 [my Meanness] gives you Thanks for this noble Entertain- 
 ment. 
 
 Hit. Some of them would not be out of the Way if they 
 said mea pravitas [my Naughtiness.] But, because the
 
 240 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Greek Word raTreivo^poa-vvrj seems to express something 
 more than the Latin Word Modestia, Christians have chose 
 rather to use the Word Humilitas [Humility,] than Modestia 
 [Modesty,] that is, they had rather speak significantly than 
 elegantly : For, he is said to be modest, that thinks mo- 
 derately of himself ; arrogating nothing to himself more than 
 he deserves. But the Commendation of Ta7reivo<j>pocrvvT), 
 [Humility,] belongs only to him that ascribes less to himself 
 than he hath. 
 
 Lev. But then there is Danger, lest while we affect to be 
 modest, we happen to be vain. 
 
 Nil. How so ? 
 
 Lev. Why, if Paul spoke Truth, in saying, I am not worthy 
 to be call'd an Apostle ; and if Mary said truly, that she was a 
 mean Handmaid, that is, one of the meanest Circumstances; 
 then, they run the Hazard of Lying, who set them out in so 
 magnificent Titles. 
 
 Nil. My good Friend, here's no great Danger in that ; for, 
 when we set out good Men, or Women, with Praises, in that 
 we speak forth the Goodness of God to them ; but when they 
 debase themselves, they have an Eye to what their own 
 Strength and Merits are, if it were not for the Grace of God. 
 Nor is it of Necessity a Lye, if any one does not lay claim 
 to what he has ; if he speaks as he thinks, it can at most be 
 but a Mistake, it can't be call'd a downright Lye : And God 
 is pleased when we are in this Error. 
 
 Lev. Paul, who denies tJiat he was worthy to be called an 
 Apostle, in another Place speaks very magnificently of him- 
 self, recounting his Performances ; / have, saith he, laboured 
 more than all, and tJwse who seem to be something, Jiave added 
 nothing to me : Whereas we don't read the holy Virgin said 
 any Thing of this Nature. 
 
 Hil. But Paul calls these Performances his Infirmities, by 
 which the Power of God was manifested ; and likewise, calls 
 the Mention of them Folly, to which he was compell'd by 
 the Wickedness of some false Apostles, who had render'd it 
 necessary for him to lay Claim to his Apostolical Authority ;
 
 The Sermon. 241 
 
 not that he delighted in human Glory, but because it was 
 expedient for the Gospel, the Dispensation of which was 
 committed to him. The Virgin had not the same Reason ; 
 she had not the Office of preaching the Gospel committed 
 to her. Besides, the utmost Decency and Modesty became 
 her, as a Woman, as a Virgin, and as the Mother of Jesus. 
 Now I come to the Original of this Error. They that do 
 not understand Latin, think Humility signifies nothing but 
 a notable Modesty ; when it is often made Use of as to Place 
 or Condition, and not as to any Virtue of the Mind ; and 
 sometimes it is so applied to the Mind, as to signify that 
 which is Blame-worthy. 
 
 Lev. What, in the holy Scriptures ? 
 
 Hit. Yes. Here's a Place for you in the Epistle of Paul 
 to the Colossians, Chap. ii. Let no Man seduce you in a 
 voluntary Humility and Worshipping of Angels. Nor is 
 it in this Place eV Tcureivaxrei, which is the Word that is in 
 the Virgin's Song, but ev raTreivotypoo-vvy. The Place, I 
 confess, has something of Difficulty in it ; but I take that 
 to be the genuine Sense of it, that learned Men have ac- 
 curately given it : Be ye not of so low and abject a Mind, as 
 Jiaving once dedicated yourselves to Christ, the only Author of 
 Salvation, to suffer yourselves to be persuaded to hope for Sal- 
 vation from A ngels, whom some pretend to have appeared to 
 tJiem. Be ye of so high a Mind, as that if any Angel, who 
 really came from Heaven, should preach any otlter Gospel than 
 that Christ hath delivered, let him be accursed, as a wicked 
 Angel, and an Enemy to Christ : Mucli less is it fit, that yon 
 should be of such abject Minds, as to suffer yourselves to be led 
 away from Christ by tlieir feigned Apparitions. To hope for 
 Salvation from Christ alone, is Religion ; to expect it from 
 Angels, or Saints, is Superstition. Paul therefore means, 
 that it is the Part of an abject Mind, and not that exalted 
 Mind of Christ, to swerve aside to the fictitious Apparitions 
 of Angels ; and it is the Part of a mean Mind to be led 
 about by every Body's Persuasion. Here you see, that 
 raTreivo^poa-vwr} is us'd in a bad Sense. 
 
 VOL. II. Q
 
 242 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. I see it 
 
 Hil. Again, in the same Chapter, After tJie Command- 
 ments and Doctrines of Men, which Things have indeed a 
 Shew of Wisdom in Will- Worship and Humility. Here 
 again, raTreivcxppocrvvir) is used in a bad Sense. 
 
 Lev. It is plain. 
 
 Hil. Again, in I Pet. v. it is used for that Virtue which is 
 contrary to Pride, rrjv Tarrreivocfrpoa-uvrjv yKOfif3(a<Ta<T0e, for 
 which we read, be cloatJied with Humility. And again, in 
 the 2.d of Philippians, rrj raTreivofypoavvr) aXkrjKovs r^jov^voi 
 vTrepexoirras kavrwV' In Lowliness of Mind let every one es- 
 teem another better than himself. 
 
 Lev. You have made it out, that raireivotypoavvi) is used 
 both Ways, when the Romans use modestia only by Way of 
 Commendation ; but can you prove that raireivuxr^ is used 
 for Modesty ? 
 
 Hil. There is no Absurdity in using of it so. There is no- 
 thing hinders but that we may attribute Submission and 
 Lowliness , to the Mind : But whether or no it be so used in 
 the holy Scriptures, I cannot tell. 
 
 Lev. Consider if St. James uses it in that Sense or not, 
 Let tJte Brother of low Degree rejoice in that he is exalted, 
 but the rich in that tie is made low. 
 
 Hil. In that Place it is kv TaTreivotxret, not Ta7ret,vo<f>pocrvvTj. 
 And if you will needs have it, that here Humility is taken 
 for Modesty, it follows of Consequence, that we must take 
 Exaltation for Pride ; and then arises a twofold Absurdity. 
 For, as he is no modest Man that boasts of his Modesty, and 
 brags of himself ; so also he is doubly arrogant that glories 
 in his Pride. 
 
 Lev. What then does the Apostle mean ? 
 
 Hil. He commands Equality among Christians. The 
 poor Man is said to be low, in that he is of a meaner For- 
 tune ; the rich Man is said to be high in the Eye of the 
 World, because of the Splendor of his Fortune. This rich 
 Man debases himself to the Condition of a poor Man, and 
 the poor Man is raised to be equal with the rich Man. They
 
 TJte Sermon. 243 
 
 have both of them something to glory in ; the one rejoices 
 in his helping the Necessity of the Poor with his Riches ; 
 the other glories in the Name of Christ, that he has inspired 
 such a Spirit into the Rich. 
 
 Lev. But all this While the rich Man enjoys the Commen- 
 dation of his Modesty too. 
 
 Hit. Perhaps he may ; but it does not thence follow, that 
 TaTrelvcoa-is signifies Modesty. For there are some Persons 
 who bestow a great Deal upon the Poor, that they may gain 
 a good Name among Men. But indeed, both of them may 
 be modest, if they are truly pious : the rich Man, when it is 
 not burdensome to him, for Christ's Sake, to be made equal 
 with the Poor ; and the poor Man, that he does not become 
 puffed up with the Honour conferred upon him, but, giving 
 Thanks to Christ, glories in him. It is beyond Dispute, that 
 TcnreivaMns is frequently used in the holy Scriptures, to signify 
 that Lowliness of Mind, or Dejection, which proceeds from 
 Affliction, or Infirmity. Thus Paul, in the yt to the Phi- 
 lippians, Who shall change our vile Bodies, rcnreivwa-ews. In 
 like Manner in Psalms 9, 1 3. Consider my Trouble, which I 
 suffer of t /tern that hate me ; raTrewaxrw. And again, in Psalm 
 1 , 1 8. This hath comforted me in mine Humility, ev raTreivcaa-ei, 
 that is to say, in Affliction. There are a great many Texts of 
 the like Kind, too many to be mentioned here. Therefore, as 
 Ta7rewo9 may be metaphorically expressed Taireivotypajv, 
 that is, of a modest Mind, and not puffed up ; so it will be 
 no strange Thing for any one to use TaTretvcoa-is for raTreivo- 
 (frpoarvvri if we speak according to the Scripture Phrase. But, 
 as for those who will have it that ra-jreivwat,^ signifies Mo- 
 desty of Mind in the Song of the Virgin Mary, and at the 
 same Time do in like Manner interpret what we read, Gen. 
 29. The Lord hath looked upon my Affliction, raTreivwtnv ; 
 Leah does not boast of her Modesty ; but in that, by Reason 
 of her Deformity, she was less pleasing to her Husband, she 
 calls her Affliction. After the same Manner in Deuteron. 26. 
 And looked on our Affliction, and our Labour, and our Op- 
 pression. Does he not call raTreCvwa-tv Affliction ?
 
 244 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. What is in their Minds then, who, in the Song of the 
 Virgin, interpret TavretWo-t? Modesty of Mind ? 
 
 Hit. I can give no Reason for it ; but that our Divines 
 neglect the Knowledge of Language, and the Study of the 
 Latin Tongue, and the antient Fathers, who cannot be 
 thoroughly understood without these Helps : And add to 
 this, 'tis a hard Matter to remove Prejudice, when once 'tis 
 fixed in the Mind. And besides, you see some Persons 
 attribute so much to the Maxims of Schools, that they will 
 rather reduce the Scripture to them, than correct their human 
 Notions by it. 
 
 Lev. But that is more absurd than what we read of the 
 Lesbian Rule. 
 
 Hil. Bede the Monk, no very grave Author, whensoever 
 he departs from the received Opinions, in Relation to the 
 Word raTTeiWo-t?, makes Mention of Pride. But Tlteophylact, 
 a Greek Writer, who form'd his Notions chiefly from the 
 most approved Greek Writers, denies that ratreLvwa-^ is here 
 to be taken for a Virtue. 
 
 Lev. But what Need is there to have Recourse to Au- 
 thority, when the common Opinion of Men rejects that 
 Interpretation ? 
 
 Hil. You say very well ; for inasmuch as Modesty is, as 
 it were, the Perfection and Defendress of all Virtues, it 
 would be Immodesty in any one to praise himself for it. I 
 will allow that this Virtue was most perfect, and incompar- 
 able in the holy Virgin (I mean, Christ excepted;) but in 
 this very Thing she is the more commendable for Modesty, 
 in that she does not praise herself, but acknowledging her 
 own Meanness, ascribes the Greatness of the Mystery to 
 Divine Mercy. Mary, say they, for her Modesty deserved to 
 be the Mother of God. I will allow this to be true in a Sense : 
 but pray what Modesty is it for the Virgin to say this of 
 herself ? 
 
 Lev. Nay, more than that, the very Tenor of the Song 
 declares, that she speaks of her own Unworthiness, and 
 therefore thus begins : My Soul doth magnify the Lord. But
 
 The Sermon. 245 
 
 she that shall say, / deserve to be the Mother of God for my 
 Modesty, magnifies herself, and not the Lord ; and therefore 
 anon she adds, For beJiold, from Jienceforth all Generations 
 shall call me blessed. Behold signifies the Thing was sud- 
 den and unexpected. He does not expect to have the 
 highest of Honours, that does not judge himself worthy of 
 any Honour at all. Nor is that said to be a Happiness, that 
 is obtain'd by Merit ; for Horace denies that himself was to 
 be call'd happy, in that he was adopted into the Number of 
 McEcenas's Friends. 
 
 HU. Why so ? 
 
 Lev. Because it was the Effect of Judgment, and not mere 
 Favour: Mcecenas render'd this to him, because he adjudg'd 
 it due to his Merit. 
 
 Nil. And to the same Purpose is that which follows : For 
 he that is mighty hath done to me great Things, and holy is his 
 Name : She does not say, He hath done to me great Tilings 
 because he judg'd me worthy ; but because he is mighty, and 
 doth whatsoever he will, and maketh them meet for his Fa- 
 vour who are unworthy. She has said holy instead of glori- 
 ous. By how much we arrogate to our own Merits, by so 
 much we detract from the Glory of the Divine Being : For, 
 as St Paul says, His Power is made perfect in our Weakness. 
 And immediately, in the same Verse, He hath deposed the 
 Mighty from their Seats, and exalted the Men of low Degree: 
 Not TdTrewofypovas, but renreivovs, i. e. that he may oppose 
 the despised in the Eye of the World to Men of Power. 
 The Sequel explains this Verse after the Manner of the 
 Prophet's speaking, The hungry hath he filled with good 
 Things, but the rich hath he sent empty away. Those who 
 just now were call'd Men of low Degree, here are call'd 
 hungry, that is, poor ; those who in one Place are call'd 
 mighty, are here call'd rich Men. In the next Verse there 
 is Mention made of Mercy diffusing itself thro' all the Na- 
 tions of the World. In the last Verse she makes Mention 
 of her Confidence in God's Promises, As he hath spoken, 
 &c. Throughout the whole Song there is a setting forth
 
 246 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 the Glory, that is, the Power, the Goodness and Truth of 
 God : There is no Mention at all made of Merits. 
 
 Lev. But as Pride commonly accompanies Power and 
 Riches, so Poverty teaches Modesty. 
 
 Hil. I don't deny that it sometimes so falls out ; but you 
 may oftentimes see poor Men that are very proud : If you 
 deny that, I shall instance to you the many Merdards that 
 there are in the World. But for once, suppose I allow it, 
 though it is not always so. The Question is not here, what 
 Sort of Person the most holy Mother of Christ was, but what 
 she says of herself in this Song. 
 
 Lev. I admire at the Obstinacy of those Persons, who 
 have been so often refuted, and laugh'd at for their Folly ; 
 and that they are not brought to a Recantation. 
 
 Hil. How often have they been told, that Declamation is 
 the treating on a fictitious Theme, wont to be made Use of 
 to exercise the Faculty of speaking ? and yet their Sermons 
 are nothing else but Declamations. How often have they 
 been told, that he is a Batchelor that has no Wife, tho' he 
 keeps six hundred Concubines ? and yet they will have it, 
 that Celibacy is only Continency and Chastity. It is the 
 same as to Humility, and a great many other Things. 
 
 Lev. Whence proceeds this obstinate Stupidity ? 
 
 Hil. I answer you, I say, it proceeds from the Merdards 
 tJtat are in tlie World: They never would be at the Pains to 
 learn when they were young ; nor have they any Books nor 
 Opportunity to learn ; and if they have wherewithal to fur- 
 nish themselves with Learning, they had rather lay it out 
 upon their Bellies. They think the Sanctity of their Gar- 
 ment is enough in Conscience to gain them a Reputation 
 for Piety and Learning. And, in the last Place, they think 
 it is some Part of Religion to know as little Latin as St. 
 Francis did himself. 
 
 Lev. In Truth, I know a great many that are like their 
 Patron in that, who say, capero for galerus, and as I think 
 vestimenta for vestes. But St. Francis always refus'd the 
 Honour of a Presbyter; and so I think St. Benedict and
 
 The Sermon. 247 
 
 Dominic did likewise. But now-a-Days they, with their 
 Vestimenta at their Arse, won't refuse a Cardinal's Hat, if 
 it be offer'd them. 
 
 Hil. A Cardinal's Hat, say you ? no, nor a triple Crown 
 neither. And those humble Sons of poor St. Francis, will 
 put forth their Slippers to be kiss'd by the greatest Monarchs 
 in the World. 
 
 Lev. And then if you should use the Term Vilitas to 'em, 
 it would be an unpardonable Crime. 
 
 Hil. Unpardonable indeed, if by Vile you mean that which 
 is of small Account among Men, or seems contemptible to 
 itself. But what Need is there to make an Excuse for that 
 which was not said ? 
 
 Lev. But was not Merdardus asham'd to tell that Lye, 
 and at Church too, and in one of the most famous ones, and 
 in the Hearing of a great Assembly of Monarchs, a great 
 many learned Men, that had read over Erasmus 's Writings ? 
 
 Hil. Asham'd, say you ? no, the Buffoon thought he de- 
 serv'd the Laurel for it ; for this is the fourth Vow of the 
 Merdardians, that they observe more religiously than the 
 other three, Not to be asham'd of any Thing. 
 
 Lev. There are indeed a great many that are very studious 
 of that. 
 
 Hil. But this was not a single Lye neither ; for in the 
 first Place, the Song of Mary, as Luke wrote it, remains un- 
 touch'd. How can he be said to correct any Thing, that 
 makes no Alteration in it ? And then the Word Humilitas 
 is not alter'd, nor is there any Mention made of Vilitas. 
 And in the last Place, he does not correct the Song, who 
 translates faithfully what Luke wrote, but only explains it. 
 
 Lev. I perceive a threefold Lye, very like such a Buffoon. 
 
 Hil. But hold, you have not heard the greatest Piece of 
 Impudence yet 
 
 Lev. What, have you any more then ? 
 
 Hil. He exclaimed against that Ass as the Head, Author, 
 and Ringleader of all the Tumults that are in the Christian 
 World.
 
 248 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. Said he so ? 
 
 Hil. And that it is to be charged upon him, that the 
 Church is torn in Pieces by so many Sectaries, that the 
 Clergy are despoil'd of their Tythes, that the Bishops are 
 set light by, and the sacred Authority of the Pope himself 
 is every where disregarded ; that Ploughmen play the Part 
 of the old Gigantic Race. 
 
 Lev. Does he say these Things publickly ? 
 
 Hil. Publickly ? ay, and makes a mighty Clamouring too. 
 
 Lev. But they are quite of another Mind, that have at- 
 tentively read over the Writings of Erasmus. A great 
 many of them will acknowledge, that they have from his 
 Performances collected the Seeds of true Piety. And this 
 Fire that has been kindled by the Monks, is gotten to that 
 Height, that all the Endeavours they use to put it out, are 
 but just as if you should pour Oil into a Fire. 
 
 Hil. You see what an evil Beast the Belly is. 
 
 Lev. You have hit the Nail on the Head. It is indeed 
 for the Interest of such Fellows, that there be a great Deal 
 of Superstition in the Christian World, and but a very little 
 true Religion. But what said the Auditory ? could they 
 bear to hear such an Ass bray in the Pulpit ? 
 
 Hil. Some wonder'd what was come to the Man. Those 
 that were of a cholerick Temper, went out of the Church 
 murmuring, saying, We came to hear the Praises of the holy 
 Virgin set forth, and this drunken Fellow is vomiting out 
 his mere Calumnies upon us. And there were a great many 
 Women present. 
 
 Lev. This Sex us'd to be mighty Admirers of this Order 
 of Men. 
 
 Hil. You say right : But the Women perceiv'd what Sort 
 of a Fellow he was. And some that were Women of read- 
 ing were uneasy, and some hissed him. 
 
 Lev. But an Ass does not mind hissing ; such a railing 
 Fellow ought to have been pelted out of his Pulpit with rot- 
 ten Eggs and Brick-Bats. 
 
 Hil. There were some that thought he deserv'd it, and 
 would have done it, had it not been for Respect to the Place.
 
 The Sermon. 249 
 
 Lev. The Reverence of a Place ought not to protect such 
 as profane it by their Impiety : As he that within the Verge 
 of the Court murders a Man, it is not meet the Church 
 should be a Sanctuary to him ; so in like Manner, he that 
 in sacred Discourses abuses, not only Peoples Patience, but 
 also the Sanctity of the Place, ought not to be skreen'd by 
 the Place, that he has by his Temerity profaned. He was 
 commended by the Antients, that would not permit any 
 Person to be Consul, who had not been a Senator : So it is 
 not meet that he should be a Clergyman, that knows not 
 how to preach a Sermon. 
 
 Hil. Folks are afraid of the Bishops Thunder-Bolts, Si 
 quis instigante Diabolo, &c. You know the Law. 
 
 Lev. The Bishops ought rather to level their Thunder- 
 Bolts at such Railers. 
 
 Hil. They themselves are afraid of these Fellows. 
 
 Lev. Whom are they afraid of? 
 
 Hil. Why, of these bawling Fellows. 
 
 Lev. Why so ? 
 
 Hil. Because they are bawling Fellows. 
 
 Lev. The Apostles were not afraid of the Menaces of 
 Kings and Rulers ; and are they afraid of a single Beggar ? 
 
 Hil. For that very Reason they are the more to be fear'd, 
 because they are Beggars ; they have nothing to lose, but 
 they have Tongues to hurt : Go but to a Wasp's or Hor- 
 net's Nest, and do but touch one of them with your Finger ; 
 and if you come off well, come to me again, and then call 
 the Bishops Drones, that are afraid of irritating one of these 
 Beggars. Do not the most powerful Monarchs of the 
 Christian World revere the Pope; nay, and perhaps are 
 afraid of him too ? 
 
 Lev. That's no Wonder, inasmuch as he is the Vicar of 
 Christ. 
 
 Hil. Well ; but it is reported of Pope Alexander VI. who 
 was no Fool, nor Blockhead neither, that he us'd to say, He 
 had ratJier offend one of the greatest Monarchs , than the least 
 Brother of tJie Order of Mendicants.
 
 250 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Lev. Well, let's not meddle with Popes : But when the 
 Princes that were at Augsburg heard it, did they not punish 
 him for it ? 
 
 Hit. They were all highly provok'd at him, but especially 
 King Ferdinand, and his Sister Mary, the Ornament of her 
 Sex in this Age, and Bernard Cardinal of Trent, and Bal- 
 tliasar Bishop of Constance ; and this Preacher was severely 
 chid, but by no Body more severely, than by John Faber 
 Bishop of Vienna. 
 
 Lev. What signifies chiding ? an Ass minds nothing but 
 a Cudgel. 
 
 Hit. Especially if you give him Belly-Timber. But what 
 should Princes trouble their Heads about such a silly Fel- 
 low as he for ? they had Things of far greater Consequence 
 to Mind. 
 
 Lev. They should at least have silenced him from preach- 
 ing, and taken away his Pension. 
 
 Hit. But the cunning Rogue put off the spitting his Venom, 
 till just at the breaking up of the Diet, and they were just 
 going away. 
 
 Lev. They say the Devil goes away so, leaving a Stink 
 behind him. 
 
 Hil. He was dismiss'd by King Ferdinand, but was in very 
 good Case, as to his Corpse ; for the Chiding he met with, 
 did not make him abate of his Flesh. 
 
 Lev. It is reported of St. Francis, that he preach'd a Ser- 
 mon to his Sisters the Birds ; but he seems only fit to preach 
 to his Brethren the Asses, and Hogs. But whither went he, 
 when he had done ? 
 
 Hil. Whither should he go, but to his Cell ? where he 
 was receiv'd with Applause by his Comrades, for having 
 acted his Part so bravely and successfully ; and when they 
 got over their Cups, instead of lo triumpJie, they sung Te 
 Deum. 
 
 Lev. This Merdardus deserves to wear his Rope about his 
 Neck, rather than his Waist. But what can we wish bad 
 enough to that foolish Society, that maintains such Cattle 
 as this is ?
 
 The Sermon. 251 
 
 Hil. You can scarce think of any Thing to wish them 
 worse, than what they bring upon themselves ; for by such 
 Doings as these especially, they make themselves odious to 
 all good Men, and bring themselves into Contempt more 
 effectually than an Enemy can do. But it is not a Christian 
 Spirit to wish ill to any one ; but we ought rather to wish, 
 that the most merciful Creator and Reformer of all Things, 
 who made Nebuchadnezzar an Ox of a Man, and again 
 turned him from an Ox to a Man ; and gave the Tongue 
 of a Man to Balaams Ass ; would amend all who are like 
 this Merdardus, and give them Understanding and Utter- 
 ance becoming Men that profess the Gospel.
 
 252 
 
 The LO VER of GLORY. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Symbulus shews the Way to true Glory, and a good 
 Name, (i.) TJiata Man should labour to be really 
 such a one as he would be accounted. (2.) That he 
 should endeavour to imitate famous Men, who never- 
 theless have been accused of various Crimes. Cato 
 the Elder was accused forty Times. (3.) That he 
 should take Care not to overdo Things. (4.) That 
 he be of an easy bearing Temper in Relation to other 
 Persons Manners, winking at small Faults. (5.) 
 Not obstinate and fond of his own Opinion. (6.) 
 That he should be courteous, &c. It is impossible 
 to please every one. (7.) That as much as in him 
 lies, he should deserve well of all. This is to be 
 effected, partly by good Offices, and partly by Benefi- 
 cence. Some Persons have naturally this Felicity, 
 that whatsoever they do pleases. (8.) Courtesy and 
 engaging Carriage gain Respect. (9.) Inconstancy 
 is to be avoided. (10.) We must deviate but little 
 from Nature, but not at all from that which is 
 Honest, (u.) The Customs of Men and Nations 
 are to be observed. (12.) If we are under a Neces- 
 sity to do any Thing that will necessarily displease, 
 let it appear that it was our Will to Jiave done 
 otherwise. (13.) Let us always do that which is 
 just and honest. (14.) The Tongue is tJie Cause
 
 The Lover of Glory. 253 
 
 why many Persons are envyd. How we ought to 
 commend or discommend. (15.) To write Books on 
 an uncommon Subject, and to do it with Accuracy, 
 is an Inlet to a good Reputation. (16.) Envy, 
 when it begins first to rise, must be overcome by good 
 Offices. 
 
 PHILODOXUS, SYMBULUS. 
 
 p>HI. I promise myself Happiness, that I have met with 
 you, Symbulus. 
 
 Sym. I wish, Philodoxus, it were in my Power to make 
 you happy in any Thing. 
 
 Phi. What can be more felicitous, than for God to meet 
 a Man ? 
 
 Sym. Indeed I should account that much more lucky than 
 the Flight of a thousand Night-Owls ; but what God is it 
 you Mean ? 
 
 Phi. Why, 'tis yourself I mean, Symbulus. 
 
 Sym. What me ! 
 
 Phi. Even yourself. 
 
 Sym. I always thought, that those Gods that did their 
 Business backwards, were not worth a Straw. 
 
 Phi. If the Proverb be true, That he is a God that helps a 
 Man, then you are a God to me. 
 
 Sym. I leave the Proverb to be made out by other Peo- 
 ple ; but as for me, I would do any Service I can to my 
 Friend with all my Heart. 
 
 Phi. Well, Symbulus, don't be in Pain, I an't about to 
 borrow any Money of you : Counsel is a sacred Thing, only 
 give me your Assistance with that. 
 
 Sym. That is only demanding what is your own, since 
 this Office ought to be mutual among Friends, as indeed 
 should every Thing else. But what is it you want my Coun- 
 sel in ? 
 
 Phi. I am weary of living in Obscurity, I have a great 
 Mind to become famous ; prithee tell me how I may be- 
 come so.
 
 254 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sym. O, here's a short Way for you ; imitate Erostratus, 
 who set Diana's Temple on Fire ; or Zoilus, who carped at 
 Homer ; or do some memorable Villainy or other ; and then 
 you will be as famous as the Cercopes or Nero. 
 
 Phi. They that like it, may get themselves a Name by 
 Impiety ; I am ambitious of a good Name. 
 
 Sym. Then be such a one in Fact, as you would be in 
 Name. 
 
 Phi. But a great many Persons have been virtuous, that 
 were never famous. 
 
 Sym. I question that ; but however, if it be as you say, 
 Virtue is a sufficient Reward to itself. 
 
 Phi. You speak very true, and much like a Philosopher. 
 But for all that, as Times go, in my Opinion, Glory is the 
 chief Reward belonging to Virtue, which delights to be 
 known, as the Sun does to shine ; for this very Reason, that 
 it may benefit a great many, and draw them to an Imitation 
 of itself. And then lastly, I don't see how Parents can leave 
 a fairer Fortune to their Children, than the immortal Memory 
 of a good Name. 
 
 Sym. Then, as I understand you, you would have Glory 
 gotten by Virtue. 
 
 Phi. That's the very Thing. 
 
 Sym. Then set before you, for Imitation, the Men that 
 have been celebrated by the Pens of all Men, such as Aris- 
 tides, PJwcion, Socrates, Epaminondas, Scipio Africanus, Cato 
 Senior, and Cato of Utica, and Marcus Brutus, and the like ; 
 who both by War and Peace studied to deserve as well as 
 possible of the Common-Wealth. This is the fertile Field 
 of Glory. 
 
 Phi. But among those famous Men, Aristides suffered 
 Banishment for ten Yeatrs+Pfocum and Socrates drank Poison, 
 Epaminondas was accused of Treason, and so was Scipio ; 
 Cato the Elder being accus'd, was oblig'd to plead forty 
 Times in his own Defence, Cato of Utica kill'd himself, and 
 so did Brutus. But I would have Glory without Envy. 
 
 Sym. Ay, but that is more than Jupiter granted even to
 
 The Lover of Glory. 255 
 
 Hercules himself; for after he had tamed so many Monsters, 
 last of all he had Hydra to engage with ; and that was the 
 longest Engagement of 'em all. 
 
 Phi. I would never envy Hercules the Glories of his La- 
 bours ; I only account them happy Men that obtain a good 
 Name, not sullied with Envy. 
 
 Sym. I perceive you'd have a pleasant Life, and for that 
 Reason are afraid of Envy ; nor are you in the wrong, for 
 that is one of the worst of Monsters. 
 
 Phi. It is so. 
 
 Sym. Then live a private Life. 
 
 Phi. But that is to be dead, and not to live. 
 
 Sym. I understand what you would be at ; you would 
 walk in the Sun, and have no Shadow. 
 
 Phi. That's impossible. 
 
 Sym. And so it is equally impossible to obtain Glory, and 
 be free from Envy ; Glory accompanies Well-doing, and so 
 does Envy Glory. 
 
 Phi. But the old Comedian tells us, that Glory may be 
 without Envy, saying, Ita ut facillime sine invidia laudem 
 invenias et amicos pares. 
 
 Sym. If you will be content with that Praise, which young 
 Pamphilus gain'd by Obsequiousness and Agreeableness of 
 Humour, you may from the same Place fetch the Method of 
 obtaining what you desire so earnestly. Remember in every 
 Thing, Ne quid nimis, [not to over-do any Thing] but yet 
 Mediocriter omnia, [all Things with Moderation] be easy in 
 bearing with the Manners of other Persons, taking no No- 
 tice of small Faults ; and do not be obstinate and tenacious 
 of your own Opinion, but be comformable to the Tempers of 
 others ; don't contradict any one, but be obliging to all. 
 
 Phi. Many Persons have a mighty Affection for Youth, 
 and so it is no hard Matter to obtain such Praise as that. 
 That which I would have is a certain Gloriousness of Name, 
 that should ring all the World over, that should increase in 
 Illustriousness, as I do in Age, and be most renowned after 
 my Death.
 
 256 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sym. I commend the Greatness of your Mind, Philodoxus ; 
 but if you are ambitious of a Glory that proceeds from Vir- 
 tue, it is the chiefest Virtue to be regardless of Glory, and 
 the highest Commendation not to aspire after Praise, which 
 follows them most that endeavour to shun it. Therefore you 
 ought to take Care, lest the more strenuously you pursue it, 
 the more you be frustrated of it. 
 
 Phi. I am not an insensible Stoic, I am subject to human 
 Affections. 
 
 Sym. If you acknowledge yourself to be a Man, and don't 
 refuse to submit to those Things that are human, why do 
 you pursue those Things which are denied, even to God 
 himself? for you know that Saying of Theocritus, that was 
 as truly as it was wittily said, Jovem nee pluvium, nee sere- 
 num, placere omnibus ; TJiat Jupiter does not please all Men, 
 either when he sends Rain or fair W eat for. 
 
 Phi. Perhaps there is no Fire, but there is some Smoke ; 
 but yet there are some Things that are without Smoke. 
 Altho' it be impossible for a Man to obtain a Glory, that 
 shall not be obscur'd with some Cloud or other of Ill-will ; 
 yet I believe there are some Methods to be taken, that there 
 shall be but very little of Enmity mixed with it. 
 
 Sym. Shall I tell you what those Methods are ? 
 
 Phi. I should be very glad to know them. 
 
 Sym. Shew your Virtue but sparingly, and you shall be 
 the less troubled with Envy. 
 
 Phi. But Glory is no Glory, unless it be notable. 
 
 Sym. Well, I'll tell you a sure Way : Do some noble Ex- 
 ploit, and die ; and then you shall be renown'd without Envy, 
 as the Codri, the Mencecei, the Iphigenii, the Decii and Curtii 
 
 were. 
 
 Pascitur in vivis livor, post fata quiescit. 
 
 Envy is maintained among the Living, but ceases after Death. 
 
 Phi. Indeed, to confess ingenuously, I would leave the 
 Inheritance of a good Name to my Children and Grand- 
 Children ; but I would have some Enjoyment of it myself 
 while I am alive.
 
 TJie Lover of Glory. 257 
 
 Sym. Well, come, I won't keep you any longer in Sus- 
 pence. The surest Way to obtain an illustrious Name, is 
 to deserve well, as well in a private Capacity, of every par- 
 ticular Person, as in a publick Capacity, of the whole Com- 
 munity ; and that is to be done partly by good Offices, and 
 partly by Bounty : But Bounty is so to be moderated, as 
 not to be obliged to take away forcibly from one, what you 
 bestow upon another ; for from such Bounty as this, there 
 arises more ill Will from the good, than good Will from the 
 bad. And besides, to be commended by the bad, is rather an 
 Infamy than a Reputation. Moreover, the Fountain of 
 Bounty will be drawn dry by frequent Donations : But that 
 Bounty that consists in good Offices has no Bottom ; the 
 more it is drawn, the more it springs : But there are a great 
 many Things that mitigate Envy, and illustrate Glory ; which 
 no Body can give to himself, but they happen purely from 
 the Bounty of God himself. 
 
 Gratior est pulchro veniens e corpore virtus. 
 
 That Virtue is the more lovely, that comes from a beautiful Body. 
 
 But no Man can bestow upon himself Comeliness of Person. 
 Nobility carries along with it much of Dignity, but this is 
 the Gift of Fortune. The same Opinion we ought to have 
 of Riches, which being justly gotten by Grandfathers or 
 Great-Grandfathers, descend to us by Inheritance. Nor can 
 any one bestow this upon himself. Of the same Kind are 
 Quickness of Wit, a Grace in Speaking, Pleasantness and 
 Courteousness, that is not acquired, but in-bred ; and in the 
 last Place, a certain internal Beauty and Felicity ; the Effect 
 of which we see daily in a great many, but can give no Rea- 
 son of it : so that we often see the same Things to be said 
 and done by different Persons, and he that acted and said 
 the worst, obtain'd Favour, when he who did and said best, 
 instead of Thanks, gain'd ill Will. The Antients indeed 
 ascribed this Effect to Mens Genius ; for they said that every 
 one was fortunate in that which he was born to ; and, on 
 VOL. II. R
 
 258 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 the other Hand, whatsoever any one attempted against the 
 Grain, and the Consent of his Genius, would never succeed. 
 
 Phi. Then here is no Room for Advice in this Case. 
 
 Sym. Very little : But yet Persons of Penetration do dis- 
 cover in Children and Youth some secret Marks, by which 
 they can conjecture what Studies, what Sort of Life, and 
 what Actions they are fitted for. So also as to those Things 
 that are good, there is a certain secret Instinct of Nature in 
 us, that we have an Aversion for some Things, without any 
 apparent Cause, and are carried on with a wonderful Pro- 
 pensity to others. Hence it is that one is an expert Soldier, 
 another a good Politician, and another, you would say, was 
 born to be a Student. And in these Things too, there is an 
 admirable Variety, as great as is the Diversity of Employ- 
 ments. Nature has framed one for a General, another for a 
 good common Soldier ; and where Nature has been most 
 bountiful, there the same Person may be fit to command or 
 obey, as Homer says. So likewise in civil Affairs, one "is a 
 good Counsellor; another a good Barrister; another is made 
 for an Ambassador, and performs that Office with great 
 Success. What Need is there to mention the Variety of In- 
 clinations ? There are some who are so strongly inclined to 
 a monastick Life, and yet not every one neither, but to this 
 or that particular Order, that they take no Pleasure of their 
 Lives, if they do not attain it ; when, on the other Hand, 
 others have so strong an Aversion for that Sort of Life, that 
 they had rather die than be made Monks : Nor is this be- 
 cause they hate that Way of Living, or can give any Reason 
 for it, butfby some secret, Instinct in Nature. 
 
 PhL As you say, I have often found many such Instan- 
 ces, and have admired at them. 
 
 Sym. In these Gifts that Nature liberally bestows upon 
 us,, a Person shall be much less liable to Envy, if a Man be 
 not proud and ostentatious. Beauty, Nobility, Wealth, Elo- 
 quence, appear the most lovely in those Persons that seem 
 not to know they are endow'd with them. Courtesy and 
 Modesty do no Way lessen these Advantages ; but as they
 
 The Lover of Glory. 259 
 
 add a Grace to them, so they drive away Envy. And this 
 Courtesy and Sweetness of Temper ought to go along with 
 all the Actions of our Lives, unless it be contrary to our 
 Nature ; for, in my Opinion, Xenocrates would have at- 
 tempted in vain that which Socrates and Diogenes succeeded 
 in ; Cato the Censor would in vain have endeavour'd after 
 that which gain'd Laelius so much good Will. Yet Demea 
 in Terence being alter'd so on a sudden, is a sufficient In- 
 stance of what Efficacy it is in gaining good Will, to suit 
 ourselves with Persons Inclinations and Humours : but as 
 often as Men deviate from Right, they degenerate from true 
 Glory to the temporary Favour of Man ; but that Glory only 
 is lasting, which is founded upon Honesty, and comes from 
 the Judgment of Reason : For the Affections make their 
 temporary Efforts, and when they have once spent them- 
 selves, we begin to hate what before we loved vehemently, 
 and hiss what before we clapp'd, and condemn what before 
 we commended : But tho' the Disposition can't be wholly 
 alter'd, yet it may in Part be corrected. 
 
 Phi. I want to hear what you aim at. 
 
 Sym. He that is of a complaisant Temper, ought to be 
 careful, lest while he labours to ingratiate himself with all 
 Persons, he deviates from Honesty : and lest, while he en- 
 deavours to accommodate himself to all Company, he 
 changes his Shape so often, that none can tell what to 
 make of him. 
 
 Phi. I know a great many such slippery Blades, at whose 
 Vanity one cannot forbear blushing. 
 
 Sym. But then again, they who are of a rugged Temper, 
 ought to endeavour so to affect Courtesy, as that what they 
 do may not seem to be counterfeit ; or by ever and anon 
 falling into their natural Propensity, instead of Commenda- 
 tion get a double Disgrace, first for acting rigidly, and then 
 for being inconsistent with themselves. For Constancy has 
 so great an Efficacy, that they who are naturally of a bad 
 Temper, are the easier borne with for this Reason, because 
 they always act like themselves \ for as soon as. the Disguise
 
 260 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 is seen thro', even Things that have been well acted become 
 displeasing : And besides, that which is done under a Colour, 
 can't be kept always conceal'd ; it will come out one Time 
 or other, and whenever it does, all the gay Appearance drops 
 off, and becomes a mere Jest 
 
 Phi. If I take in your Intention, you would have one de- 
 part as little as may be from Nature, but not at all from In- 
 tegrity ; (that which is honest is honourable.) 
 
 Sym. You are right ; and besides, you know very well, 
 that whatsoever grows famous on a sudden, lies exposed to 
 Envy. And thence comes the odious Name of an Upstart, 
 call'd by the Greeks i/eoTrXouro? ; and by the Romans, Novus 
 homo\ and by both, Terrae filii, [Sons of the Earth] and Caelo 
 delapsi [dropt out of the Clouds.] But that Reputation that 
 springs up gently, and grows gradually, as on the one Side 
 it is less liable to Envy, so on the other it is commonly more 
 durable ; as the witty Poet Horace intimates, saying, Crescit 
 occulto velut arbor aevo fama Marcelli, [Marcellus's Fame 
 grows insensibly like a Tree :] So that if you would obtain 
 Glory that is true, lasting, and as little as may be obnoxious 
 to Envy, mind what Socrates says, that it often happens that 
 they who make the most Haste at first setting out, come 
 latest to their Journey's End. 
 
 Phi. But the Life of Man is very short 
 
 Sym. For that Reason we should use Expedition to- 
 wards good Deeds, and not Glory ; and that will follow 
 necessarily of its own Accord : For I suppose what you en- 
 quire after, is not how you may live long ; for that is in the 
 Breasts of the Destinies, who draw out and cut off the Thread 
 of Life at their Pleasure. 
 
 Phi. I wish you could do that too. 
 
 Sym. O Philodoxus ! God has never been so bountiful as 
 to give all to one Man : What one wants in Years, is often 
 made up in Honour. There are indeed some, but those very 
 few, to whom he is so bountiful, that while they are alive 
 and as it were in being, they enjoy the Fruits of Posterity ; 
 tho' they are but few that the just God loves. Perhaps some
 
 The Lover of Glory. 26 1 
 
 of a divine Descent have attain'd this ; but this Felicity does 
 not fall under our Consideration. 
 
 Phi. I have often admired whether it is by the Malignity 
 of Nature or Fortune, that no Conveniences happen to Man- 
 kind, without being allayed with some Inconvenience. 
 
 Sym. My Friend, what then have we to do, but, as we are 
 of human Race, to endeavour to bear our human Condition 
 with a contented Mind ? And it will not a little conduce to 
 moderate Envy, if you do but look thoroughly into the Dis- 
 positions of Nations, of Bodies of Men, and single Persons ; 
 as they do who make it their Business to tame and feed 
 Beasts ; for such Persons make it their chief Study to find 
 out by what Things the Animal is made fierce, or becomes 
 tame. I don't at present speak of the Difference between a 
 Bird and a four-footed Beast, between a Serpent and a Fish ; 
 or between the Eagle and the Vulture, between the Elephant 
 and the Horse, between the Dolphin and the Porpoise, be- 
 tween a Viper and an Asp ; but of the innumerable Variety 
 that is between all Kinds of Animals. 
 
 Phi. I would fain hear what you drive at. 
 
 Sym. All Dogs are contain'd under one Species, but this 
 Species is diversify'd into innumerable Forms, so that you 
 would say there were so many distinct Genus's, rather than 
 one Species : For in the same Species, what a great Variety 
 is there of Manners and Tempers ? 
 
 Phi. A very great one indeed ! 
 
 Sym. That which is said of Dogs, you may understand of 
 all other living Creatures ; but it is not visible in any other 
 Creature so much as in Horses. 
 
 Phi. 'Tis true : But what do you mean by all this ? 
 
 Sym. Whatsoever Variety there is in the Different Kinds 
 or Forms of living Creatures, or in Individuals, suppose the 
 same to be in Man : among them you will find Wolves of 
 various Kinds, Dogs in an unspeakable Variety, Elephants, 
 Camels, Asses, Lions, Sheep, Vipers, Apes, Dragons, Eagles, 
 Vultures, Swallows, Leeches ; and what not ? 
 
 Phi. But what of all that ?
 
 262 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sym. There is no living Creature so fierce, but, being 
 managed by Art, it may be made useful, or at least not 
 hurtful. 
 
 Phi. I can't for my Life see what you drive at. 
 
 Sym. There is a Difference between a Spaniard, an Italian, 
 a German, a Frenchman, and an Englishman. 
 
 Phi. There is so. 
 
 Sym. Besides, there is in every single Man of these several 
 Nations, a certain Temper peculiar to himself. 
 
 Phi. I confess it. 
 
 Sym. If you shall nicely observe this Variety, and ac- 
 commodate yourself to each of their Manners, you will 
 easily bring it about, that they will either all be your Friends, 
 or at least that none of them will be your Enemies. 
 
 Phi. What, would you have me to be a Polypus ; where is 
 Honesty and Sincerity in the mean Time ? 
 
 Sym. There is in all common Affairs a certain Obsequious- 
 ness that does in no wise intrench upon Honesty ; as for 
 Instance, in Italy Men kiss one another, which would be 
 look'd upon very absurd to do in Germany ; but instead of 
 that, they give you their right Hand. Again, in England 
 it is the Custom for Men to kiss the Women, even at Church : 
 but if you should do this in Italy, it would be accounted a 
 high Crime. Again, in England it is accounted a Piece of 
 Civility to give the Cup to one that comes in when you are 
 at Dinner ; but in France it is look'd upon as an Affront. 
 In these and the like Cases Persons may be complaisant, 
 without any Detriment to Honesty. 
 
 Phi. But it is a very hard Matter to be acquainted with 
 the Manners and Tempers of every Man of all Nations. 
 
 Sym. 'Tis true, Philodoxus : But if you would obtain a 
 considerable Reputation, and that by Virtue, you must of 
 Necessity exercise no common Virtue. You know Virtue 
 is conversant in Difficulties, as old Hesiod taught before the 
 Peripateticks ; and therefore if you have a Mind to eat 
 Honey, you must be content to bear with the Trouble of 
 Bees.
 
 The Lover of Glory. 263 
 
 Phi. I know that, and remember it very well ; but that 
 we are in Quest of, is, how to moderate Envy. 
 
 Sym. Then do you endeavour that in the Camp you rather 
 chuse to be a common Soldier than a General, and in such 
 a War as is against Enemies who are Foreigners, rather than 
 your Fellow-Citizens and Countrymen. In Government 
 rather chuse those Offices which are popular and ingratia- 
 ting ; as to defend is more popular than to accuse, to honour 
 than to punish. But if any Case happen, as it sometimes 
 necessarily will, that is troublesome in its Nature, if you 
 can't avoid acting in it, make it as easy as you can by Mo- 
 deration. 
 
 Phi. How must that be done ? 
 
 Sym. Suppose you are a Judge, or an Arbitrator, you 
 must bear something hard upon one Party or another ; but 
 be sure to manage the Matter with so much Equity, that, if 
 it be possible, he that you give the Cause against, may give 
 you Thanks. 
 
 Phi. How must that be manag'd ? 
 
 Sym. Suppose the Action be to be laid for Theft or Sac- 
 rilege ; if it be in your Power, mitigate it, and let it be laid 
 for a Trespass ; and by this Means you may ease the De- 
 fendant, and do no Injury to the Plaintiff. In short, mode- 
 rate every Cause so, that without injuring the Plaintiff, you 
 may seem to act justly to the Defendant ; and lastly, make 
 the condemn'd Person's Sentence as easy as may be. And 
 all the while take Care to avoid surly Looks, or sour or 
 morose Words ; for they often are the Cause that some Per- 
 sons will owe you more ill Will for doing them a Courtesy, 
 than others shall for denying them one. Sometimes you 
 ought to admonish a Friend ; but if there are no Hopes of 
 his being the better by it, it is better to be silent. If it be a 
 weighty Case, and there be any Hope of doing Good, then 
 it is of great Moment what the Admonition is ; for it often 
 falls out that Admonition being either unhandsome or un- 
 seasonable, exasperates the Disease, and makes a Friend an 
 Enemy. But this Dexterity is most necessary if you ad-
 
 264 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 monish a Prince ; for sometimes it falls out, that their 
 Humours must be contradicted ; and if it be done pleasantly 
 and wittily, afterwards they that contradicted have greater 
 Thanks given them, than they that soothed them : For that 
 which is grateful to the Passion is of short Continuance, but 
 what is done with Reason, is approved always ; for the far 
 greater Part of ill Will arises from the Unruliness of the 
 Tongue. How much Mischief does sometimes a single Word 
 bring upon some Persons ? how many has an ill-timed Jest 
 brought to Ruin ? Therefore when you commend any Per- 
 son, let it be those that are worthy, and sparingly ; but be 
 more sparing in reflecting on any one, if you do reflect at 
 all. And then again, you must avoid Talkativeness, for it 
 is a very hard Matter to talk much, and to the Purpose. 
 
 Phi. I agree to all these Things ; but, in my Opinion, the 
 chief Way of making one's Name famous, is to write Books. 
 
 Sym. You say very right ; it is, were it not that there are 
 so many Authors : But if you are for doing it that Way, take 
 Care you write with a great Deal of Exactness, rather 
 than much ; and in the first Place, chuse some Argument 
 that is not common, that has been touch'd on but by very 
 few, and such a one that is not of an invidious Nature : and 
 bestow upon it all the curious Observations that you have 
 been collecting for many Years, and then treat on it in such 
 a Manner, that may be both profitable and pleasant. 
 
 Phi. You give me very prudent Advice, and such as 
 would be to my Satisfaction, if you went one Step farther, 
 and told me how I might attain this Glory quickly too ; 
 for I see a great many that don't grow famous till they are 
 going out of the World, and others not till they are gone 
 out of it. 
 
 Sym. As to that, I have no better Advice to give you, 
 than that which the Fidler gave his Fellow : See that you 
 approve yourself to those that have already attain'd such a 
 Glory as has repell'd Envy : Let yourself into the Familiarity 
 of such Persons whose good Word will gain you Esteem 
 with the Populace.
 
 The Lover of Glory. 265 
 
 Phi. But if notwithstanding all this I be attack'd with 
 Envy, what Remedy do you prescribe ? 
 
 Sym. Then do as they do who boil Pitch ; if it catch 
 Fire they pour Water upon it, and then it will rage and 
 crackle more if you don't keep on doing so. 
 
 Phi. What Sort of Riddle is that ? 
 
 Sym. When you perceive Envy arising, rather overcome 
 it by Benefits than Revenge. Hercules was never the better 
 for cutting off the Hydra's Heads ; it was by the Greek Fire 
 that he overcame the destroying Monster. 
 
 Phi. But what is that you call the Greek Fire ? 
 
 Sym. That which burns in the Middle of the Water. He 
 applies that who being provok'd by the Injuries of ill Men, 
 nevertheless does not give over doing good to all that de- 
 serve it. 
 
 Phi. What's that you mean ? is Beneficence sometimes 
 Water, and sometimes Fire ? 
 
 Sym. Why not ? when Christ by Way of Allegory is 
 sometimes a Sun, sometimes a Fire, sometimes a Stone. I 
 said so for the Purpose ; if you know any Thing better, make 
 Use of it, and don't follow my Advice.
 
 266 
 
 O P U L E N T I A S O R D I D A, or the 
 WEALTHY MISER. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Opulentia Sordida relates the wretched Miserliness of a 
 certain rich Miser; by which is set forth how Misers 
 live. In Winter- Time they make their Fires of green 
 Roots of Trees, which produce scarce either Flame 
 or Smoke. There is scarce any sleeping for the 
 Fleas and Bugs. They mix their Wine with Water. 
 The Lees of Wine produce the Gravel in the Kid- 
 neys. They buy damaged Corn, and mix it with a 
 third Part of Chalk. They eat no Breakfast, put 
 off their Dinner till Afternoon, and go to Supper 
 near Midnight. The mean Provision of the Table. 
 They buy the worst of Meat. Persons of lean Bodies 
 and weak Constitutions should not fast. That Diet 
 has a great Influence for the Preservation of Health. 
 
 JAMES and GILBERT. 
 
 TA . HOW comes it about that you are so lean and meagre ? 
 ^ you look as if you had liv'd upon Dew with the Grass- 
 hopper ; you seem to be nothing but a mere Skeleton. 
 
 Gil. In the Regions below, the Ghosts feed upon Leeks 
 and Mallows ; but I have been these ten Months where I 
 could not come at so much as them. 
 
 Ja. Where is that, prithee ? what, have you been in the 
 Galleys ?
 
 T/ie Wealthy Miser. 267 
 
 Gil, No, I have been at Synodium. 
 
 Ja. What, starv'd to Death almost in so plentiful a Coun- 
 try? 
 
 Gil. Tis true as I tell you. 
 
 Ja. What was the Occasion of it ? what, had you no 
 Money ? 
 
 Gil. I neither wanted Money nor Friends. 
 
 Ja. What the Mischief was the Matter then ? 
 
 Gil. Why, you must know I boarded with Antronius. 
 
 Ja. What, with that rich old Cuff ? 
 
 Gil. Yes, with that sordid Hunks. 
 
 Ja. 'Tis very strange, methinks. 
 
 Gil. Not strange at all ; for by this sordid Way of living, 
 tey that have little or nothing to begin the World with, 
 scrape together so much Wealth. 
 
 Ja. But how came you to take a Fancy to live for so many 
 Months with such a Landlord ? 
 
 Gil. There was a certain Affair that oblig'd me to it, 
 and I had a Fancy so to do likewise. 
 
 Ja. But prithee tell me after what Manner he lives. 
 
 Gil. I'll tell you, since 'tis a Pleasure to recount the 
 Hardships one has sustain'd. 
 
 Ja. It will certainly be a Pleasure to me to hear it. 
 
 Gil. Providence so order'd it, that the Wind sat full North 
 for three Months together, only it did not blow from the 
 same Point above eight Days together ; but I can't tell the 
 Reason of it. 
 
 Ja. How then could it blow North for three Months to- 
 gether ? 
 
 Gil. Why, upon the eighth Day, as if by Agreement, it 
 shifted its Station ; where, after it had continu'd some seven 
 or eight Hours, then it veer'd to the old Point again. 
 
 Ja. In such a Place as that your Callicoe Body had Need 
 have a good Fire to keep it warm. 
 
 Gil. We had had Fire enough, if we had but had Wood 
 enough : but our Landlord Antronitis, to save Charges, us'd 
 to grub up old Stumps of Trees in the Common, thjit no
 
 268 Colloquies of Erasmiis. 
 
 Body thought worth While to get but himself ; and would 
 get them by Night : And of these, green as they were, our 
 Fire was commonly made, which us'd to smoke plentifully, 
 but would not flame out; so that tho' it did not warm 
 us at all, yet we could not say there was no Fire. One of 
 these Fires would last us a whole Day, they burnt so de- 
 liberately. 
 
 Ja. This was a bad Place for a Man to pass the Winter in. 
 
 Gil. It was so ; but it was a great Deal worse to pass a 
 Summer in. 
 
 Ja. Why so ? 
 
 Gil. Because there was such a Multitude of Fleas and 
 Bugs, that there was no being quiet in the Day-Time, nor 
 sleeping in the Night. 
 
 Ja. What a wretched Wealth was here ? 
 
 Gil. Few were wealthier in this Sort of Cattle. 
 
 Ja. Sure your Women were lazy Sluts. 
 
 Gil. They were mew'd up in an Apartment by themselves, 
 and seldom came among the Men ; so that you have nothing 
 of 'em but the Name of Women : And the Men are forc'd to 
 go without those Services which properly belong to that Sex 
 in other Families. 
 
 Ja. But how could Antronius away with all this Nasti- 
 ness ? 
 
 Gil. Pshaw, he was us'd to it from his Cradle, and minded 
 nothing in the World but getting of Money. He lov'd to be 
 any where but at Home, and traded in every Thing you can 
 think of. You know that City is a great Town, of the great- 
 est Commerce and Business : What's-his-Name the famous 
 Painter thought that Day was lost, wherein he did not em- 
 ploy his Pencil ; and our Antronius look' 'd upon himself un- 
 done, if one single Day pass'd over his Head without some 
 Profit. And if such a Disaster happen'd to him, he did not 
 fail one Way or other to make it up at Home. 
 
 Ja. What did he do ? 
 
 Gil. Why, he had a Cistern of Water in the House, as 
 most People in that City have, whence he us'd to draw so
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 269 
 
 many Buckets of Water, and put it into his Hogsheads of 
 Wine. This was a most certain Profit. 
 
 Ja. I suppose the Wine was something of the strongest 
 then ? 
 
 Gil. Far from that, for it was as dead as Ditch-Water ; for 
 he never bought any but what was decay'd to his Hand, 
 that he might buy it at an easier Rate : And that he might 
 not lose a Drop of this, he us'd to mix and jumble the 
 Grounds of at least ten Years standing, and set them a fer- 
 menting, that it might pass for new Wine upon the Lees ; 
 and would not lose a Drop of the Dregs neither. 
 
 Ja. If we may believe the Physicians, such Wine will cer- 
 tainly breed the Stone. 
 
 Gil. There were no Doctors there, I'll assure you : and 
 in the most healthful Years, two or three at least of the 
 Family died of that Distemper ; but he never troubled his 
 Head about that, how many Burials went out of the House. 
 
 Ja. No ? 
 
 Gil. He made a Penny even of the Dead. And there 
 was no Gain he was asham'd to take, tho' it was never so 
 small. 
 
 Ja. Under your Favour this was downright Theft tho'. 
 
 Gil. Your Merchants term it, turning an honest Penny. 
 
 Ja. But what Sort of Liquor did Antronius drink all the 
 While ? 
 
 Gil. Almost the very same Nectar that I told you of. 
 
 Ja. Did he find no Harm by it ? 
 
 Gil. He was as hard as a Flint, he could have lived upon 
 chopt Hay ; and, as I told you before, he had been us'd to 
 fare hard from his Infancy. And he look'd upon this dash- 
 ing and brewing to be a certain Profit to him. 
 
 Ja. How so, I beseech you ? 
 
 Gil. If you reckon his Wife, his Sons, his Daughters, his 
 Son-in-Law, his Men-Servants, and his Maid-Servants, he 
 had about thirty-three Mouths in the Family to feed. Now 
 the more he corrected his Wine with Water, the less of it 
 was drunk, and the longer it was drawing off ; so then if
 
 2 ;o Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 you compute a large Bucket of Water thrown in every Day, 
 it will amount to no small Sum, let me tell you, at the Year's 
 End. 
 
 Ja. A sordid Fellow ! 
 
 Gil. This was not all, he made the same Advantage of 
 his Bread too. 
 
 Ja. How could he do that ? 
 
 Gil. He bought musty Wheat, such as no Body else would 
 buy but himself. Now, in the first Place, here was a present 
 Gain, because he bought it so much cheaper ; and then he 
 had an Art to cure the Mustiness. 
 
 Ja. But prithee how did he do that ? 
 
 Gil. There is a Sort of Chalk, not altogether unlike to 
 Corn, which you may see Horses are delighted with, when 
 they gnaw it out of the Walls, and drink more freely out of 
 that Pond- Water where this Chalk is to be found. He mixed 
 one third Part at least of this Earth with his Bread. 
 
 Ja. And do you call this curing of it ? 
 
 Gil. This is certain, that it made the Mustiness of the 
 Corn be not altogether so perceiveable ; and now, was not 
 this a considerable Profit ? He had another Stratagem be- 
 sides that, for he bak'd his own Bread at Home, which, in 
 the very Midst of Summer, he never did oftner than twice 
 in a Month. 
 
 Ja. Sure it must be more like Stones than Bread for 
 Hardness. 
 
 Gil. Nay, harder than a Stone, if possible ; but we had a 
 Remedy for that too. 
 
 Ja. What was that ? 
 
 Gil. We us'd to soke Slices of this Bread in Bowls of 
 Wine. 
 
 Ja. The Devil a Barrel the better Herring. But how did 
 the Servants like this Treatment ? 
 
 Gil. I will first tell you how the top Folks of the Family 
 were serv'd, and then you may easily guess how the Servants 
 far'd. 
 
 Ja. I long to hear it.
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 2 7 1 
 
 Gil. There was not a Word to be mention'd about Break- 
 fast ; and as for Dinner, that was generally deferr'd till one 
 of the Clock in the Afternoon. 
 
 Ja. Why so ? 
 
 Gil. We waited for the Master of the Family's coming 
 Home, and then we seldom went to Supper before ten. 
 
 Ja. But how did you bear it ? you us'd to be very impa- 
 tient for your Victuals. 
 
 Gil. I call'd ever and anon upon Orthrogonus, our Land- 
 lord's Son-in-Law, who lay upon the same Floor with my- 
 self : Soho, Monsieur, said I, do you make no Dining to Day 
 at Synodium ? He answer'd, Antronius will be Itere in a 
 Minute. Then finding not the least Motion towards Dinner, 
 and my Guts very mutinous ; Hark you, Orthrogonus, said 
 I, do you design to starve us to Day ? Then he would per- 
 suade me it was not so late, or put me off with some such 
 Pretence. Then, not being able to bear the Bawling my 
 Bowels made, I interrupted him again : What do you mean, 
 said I, to starve us to Death ? When he found he had 
 no more Excuses to make, he went down to the Servants, 
 and order'd them to lay the Cloth. But at last, when no 
 Antronius came, and Dinner seem'd to be as far off as ever, 
 Orthrogonus, wearied with the Noise I made in his Ears, 
 went to the Apartment where his Wife and Mother, and 
 Children were, bidding them get Dinner ready. 
 
 Ja. Well, now I expect to hear of the Dinner. 
 
 Gil. Pray don't be so hasty. Then there came a lame 
 Fellow, just such another as Vulcan, who laid the Cloth, for 
 that it seems was his Province ; this was the first Hope we 
 had of Dinner ; and at last, after I had bawl'd a long Time, 
 a Glass Bottle of fair Water is brought in. 
 
 Ja. Well, now there's more Hope. 
 
 Gil. But I tell you, don't be too hasty. Again, not 
 without a great Deal of knocking and calling, in comes a 
 Bottle of the Wine I spoke of, as thick with Dregs as Puddle- 
 Water. 
 
 Ja. That's well, however.
 
 272 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Gil. But not a Bit of Bread came along with it ; tho' there 
 was no great Danger we should touch it ; for scarce any 
 Body would, had they been ever so hungry. Then I fell to 
 calling till I was hoarse again ; and at last the Bread comes, 
 but such as a Bear could scarce bite of. 
 Ja. Well, now there was no Danger of starving. 
 
 Gil. 'Late in the Afternoon Home comes Antronius, and 
 generally with this unlucky Pretence, that his Belly ach'd. 
 Ja. But what was that to you ? 
 
 Gil. Thus much, that we were to go Supperless to Bed ! 
 for what could you expect when the Master of the House is 
 out of Order ? 
 Ja. But was he sick in good Earnest ? 
 
 Gil. So sick that he would have devour'd you three Capons 
 to his own Share, if you would have treated him. 
 Ja. I am impatient to hear your Bill of Fare. 
 
 Gil. First of all there is' a Plate full of grey Peas brought 
 in, such as old Women cry about the Streets, and this was 
 for our Landlord's own eating : He pretended that this was 
 his Remedy against all Diseases. 
 
 Ja. How many Guests were there of you at Table ? 
 
 Gil. Sometimes eight or nine ; among whom was one 
 Verpins, a learned Gentleman, to whose Character I sup- 
 pose you are no Stranger, and our Landlord's eldest Son. 
 
 Ja. What was their Mess ? 
 
 Gil. Why, the same that Melchisedek offer'd to Abraham, 
 after he had conquer'd the five Kings ; and was not that 
 enough for any reasonable Man ? 
 
 Ja. But was there no Meat ? 
 
 Gil. There was Meat, but there was but a very little of it 
 
 Ja. What was it ? 
 
 Gil. I remember we were once nine of us at Table, when 
 there were no more then seven small Lettice Leaves swim- 
 ming in Vinegar, but not a Drop of Oil to make 'em slip 
 down. 
 
 Ja. But did your Landlord eat all his grey Peas himself ? 
 
 Gil. You must know there was scarce a Farthing- worth
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 273 
 
 of them, however he did not absolutely forbid those that 
 sat next him to taste them, but it look'd uncivil to rob a 
 sick Man of his Victuals. 
 
 Ja. But were not your Lettice Leaves split, to make the 
 greater Show ? 
 
 Gil. Why truly they were not ; but when those that sat 
 at the upper End of the Table had eaten up the Leaves, the 
 rest sop'd their Bread in the Vinegar. 
 
 Ja, But what, I pray, came after these Lettice Leaves ? 
 
 Gil. What ? what should come but Cheese, the last Dish 
 at Dinner ? 
 
 Ja. But was this your daily Fare ? 
 
 Gil. Generally speaking it was ; but now and then, if the 
 old Gentleman had the good Luck to get Money in the 
 Way of Trade that Day, he would be a little more generous. 
 
 Ja. How did you fare then ? 
 
 Gil. Why, then he would send out to buy a Pennyworth 
 of fresh Grapes, at nine Bunches a Penny : this made the 
 whole Family sing O be joyful. 
 
 Ja. Why not ? 
 
 Gil. But then you must understand too, that this was 
 never but when Grapes were dog-cheap. 
 
 Ja. What then, did he never launch out but in Autumn ? 
 
 Gil. Yes, he will thus launch out at some other Times 
 too ; for you must know that there are Fellows that catch a 
 small Sort of Shell-Fish, most commonly on the Shores, and 
 cry them about the Streets, and he'd now and then buy an 
 Halfpennyworth of these ; then you'd swear there had been 
 a Wedding-Dinner in the Family : There was a Fire made 
 in the Kitchen, tho' not very much of it neither, for these 
 don't ask much boiling ; and these Dainties come always 
 after the Cheese, instead of a Desert. 
 
 Ja. A very fine Desert indeed ! But do you never use to 
 have any Flesh or Fish ? 
 
 Gil. At last the old Gentleman being overcome by my 
 clamouring, began to live a little more nobly ; and whenever 
 
 VOL. II. S
 
 274 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 he had a Mind to shew his Generosity in good Earnest, this 
 was our Bill of Fare. 
 
 fa. I long to hear what that is. 
 
 Gil. Imprimis, we had a Dish of Soop which they call a 
 Service, but I don't know why. 
 
 Ja. A very rich one, I suppose. 
 
 Gil. Very high season'd with the following Spices : They 
 took you a large Kettle of Water, and set it over the Fire ; 
 into this they fling a good Quantity of skim'd-Milk Cheese, 
 grown as hard as a Brick-Bat, that you can scarce cut it with 
 an Hatchet ; and when these Fragments of Che*ese grow a 
 little softer by soaking and seething, they alter the Property 
 of the Liquor, that it is not then fair Water : Now this Soop 
 is serv'd in as a Preparative for the Stomach. 
 
 Ja. This was a Soop for Sows. 
 
 Gil. And the next Course is a Piece of stale Tripe, that 
 has been boil'd a Fortnight. 
 
 Ja. Why then it must needs stink. 
 
 Gil. It does stink, but they have a Remedy for that too, 
 
 Ja. What is that, pray ? 
 
 Gil. I would tell you, but I'm afraid you'll put it into 
 Practice. 
 
 Ja. Ay, marry, Sir! 
 
 Gil. They would take an Egg and beat it up in warm 
 Water, and daub the Tripe over with the Liquor ; and so 
 they put the Cheat upon the Eye indeed, but can't cheat 
 the Nose, for the Stink will force its Way thro' all. If it hap- 
 pen'd to be a Fish-Day, we had sometimes three Whitings, 
 and but small ones neither, altho' there were seven or eight 
 of us at Table. 
 
 Ja. What, nothing else ? 
 
 Gil. Nothing but that Cheese, as hard as a Stone. 
 
 Ja. The oddest Epicure I ever heard of. But how could 
 so slender Provision be enough for so many Guests of you, 
 and especially not having eat any Breakfast. 
 
 Gil. Well, to satisfy you, I tell you, that the Remainder 
 fed the Mother-in-Law, the Daughter-in-Law,'the youngest 
 Son, a Servant-Maid, and a Litter of Children.
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 275 
 
 Ja. Nay, now instead of lessening, you have heighten'd 
 my Admiration. 
 
 Gil, Tis scarce possible for me to explain this Difficulty 
 to you, unless I first represent to you in what Order we sat 
 at Table. 
 
 Ja. Pray represent it then. 
 
 Gil. Antronius, he sat at the upper End of the Table, and 
 I sat at his right Hand, as being principal Guest ; over- 
 against Antronius sat Orthrogonus\ next Orthrogonus, Ver- 
 pius ; next to Verpius, Strategus a Grecian ; Antronius 's 
 eldest Son sat at his left Hand. If any Stranger came to 
 dine with us, he was plac'd according to his Quality. As 
 for the Soop, there was no great Danger of its being eaten 
 up, nor no great Difference in the Messes, but only that in 
 the Dishes of the principal Guests there were some Bits of 
 this Cheese floating up and down. And besides, there was 
 a Sort of Barricade made betwixt this Soop by Bottles of 
 Wine and Water, that none but three, before whom the 
 Dish stood, could participate, unless he would be impudent 
 indeed, and go beyond his Bounds. Nor did this Dish stay 
 long there, but was soon taken away, that something might 
 be left for the Family. 
 Ja. What did the rest eat all this While ? 
 Gil. They regal'd themselves after their own Fashion. 
 Ja. How was that ? 
 
 Gil. Why they sopt the chalky Bread in that sour dreggy 
 Wine. 
 
 Ja. Sure your Dinner us'd to be over in a Minute. 
 Gil. It oftentimes held above an Hour. 
 Ja. How could it be ? 
 
 Gil. The Soop being taken away, which, as I told you 
 before, might have stood without any great Danger, Cheese 
 was brought to Table, and that ran no great Risque ; for it 
 was so hard it would bid Defiance to a Carving-knife. 
 Every Man's Portion of that dreggy Wine and Bread stood 
 before him still ; and over these Dainties they diverted them- 
 selves with telling Stories ; and in the mean Time the 
 Women eat their Dinner.
 
 276 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Ja. But how did the Servants fare in the mean Time ? 
 
 Gil. They had nothing in common with us, but din'd and 
 sup'd at their own Hours : But this I can tell you, they 
 scarce spent half an Hour's Time in a whole Day at Victuals. 
 
 Ja. But what Sort of Provision had they ? 
 
 Gil. You may easily guess that 
 
 Ja. Your Germans think an Hour little enough to break- 
 fast in, and they commonly take as much Time to their 
 Beaver, an Hour and an half at their Dinner, and at least 
 two Hours at Supper ; and unless their Bellies are well fill'd 
 with good Wine, Flesh, and Fish, they run away from their 
 Masters, and go into the Army. 
 
 Gil. Every Nation has its peculiar Customs ; the Italians 
 lay out but very little upon their Bellies ; they love Money 
 better than Pleasure ; and this Temperance they owe rather 
 to Nature than Custom. 
 
 Ja. Now truly I don't wonder you are come Home so 
 lean, but rather that you are come Home alive, especially 
 since you were so us'd to Capons, Partridges, Pigeons, and 
 Pheasants. 
 
 Gil. Why, in Truth, I had very fairly troop'd off, unless I 
 had found me out a Remedy. 
 
 Ja. 'Tis but poor living, where such frequent Recourse 
 must be had to Remedies. 
 
 Gil. I brought Matters about so, that I had the fourth Part 
 of a boil'd Pullet allow'd to every Meal, to keep up my lan- 
 guishing Spirits. 
 
 Ja. Ay, marry, now you begin to live ! 
 
 Gil. Not altogether so well as you imagine ; for old Gripe 
 bought the least he could lay his Hands on, to save Ex- 
 pences, such that six of them would not serve a Polander 
 of a tolerable Stomach for a Breakfast ; and when he had 
 bought them, he would give them no Corn, because he 
 would not put himself to extraordinary Charges ; so a Wing 
 or a Leg of the Fowl, that was half starv'd, before it was 
 put into the Pot, was boil'd for my Dinner, and the Liver al- 
 ways went to Orthrogonus' s little Son ; and as for the Broth,
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 277 
 
 the Women were perpetually lapping it up, and every now 
 and then they put in fresh Water ; so that by that Time it 
 came to me it was as dry as a Chip, and no more Taste in it 
 than the Foot of a Joint-Stool : And as for the Broth, it was 
 nothing but a little Water bewitch'd. 
 
 Ja. And yet I hear that you have all Sorts of Fowl there 
 in great Plenty, very good, and very cheap. 
 
 Gil. They are so, but Money is hard to come by. 
 
 Ja. You have done Penance enough, one would think, if 
 you had murder'd the Pope, or piss'd against St. Peter 1 ?, 
 Tomb-Stone. 
 
 Gil. But hear the rest of the Farce out. You know there 
 are five Days in a Week that we may eat Flesh on. 
 
 Ja. What then ? 
 
 Gil. He only bought two Pullets for the whole Week : 
 On Thursday he would pretend he forgot to go to Market, 
 lest I should either have a whole Pullet on that Day, or any 
 should be left. 
 
 Ja. In short, I think your Landlord was a greater Miser 
 than Euclio in Plautus. But what Course did you take to 
 keep yourself alive upon Fish-Days ? 
 
 Gil. I employ'd a certain Friend to buy me every Day 
 three Eggs with my own Money, two for my Dinner, and 
 one for my Supper : But here also the Women put their 
 Tricks upon me ; for instead of my new-laid Eggs that I 
 paid a good Price for, they would give me rotten ones, that 
 I thought I came well off, if one of my three Eggs prov'd 
 eatable. I also at last got a small Cask of good Wine 
 bought for my own drinking, but the Women broke open 
 my Cellar-Door, and in a few Days drank it all up, and my 
 Landlord Antronius did not seem to be much displeas'd at 
 the Matter. 
 
 Ja. But was there no Body in the Family that took Pity 
 on you ? 
 
 Gil. Take Pity on me, say you ? No, they thought me a 
 Glutton and a Cormorant, who by myself devour'd so much 
 Victuals : And upon that Account Orthrogonus would ever
 
 278 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 and anon give me good Advice, that I should consider the 
 Climate where I liv'd, and therefore have Regard to my- 
 self ; telling me of several of my Countrymen, who had by 
 their over-eating in that Country either procur'd their own 
 Deaths, or brought upon themselves very dangerous Dis- 
 tempers. But when he found me supporting my outward 
 Tabernacle, that was fatigued, starv'd, and distemper'd, with 
 some Knick-knacks that were sold at the Confectioners ; 
 he sets a Physician, a Friend and Acquaintance of mine, to 
 persuade me to live moderately. The Doctor took a great 
 Deal of Pains with me : I soon perceiv'd he had been set on 
 to do it, so I made him not a Word of Answer : But when 
 he was still urging me very hard, and was always harping 
 on the same String ; I said to him, Worthy Doctor, pray tell 
 me, are you in Jest, or in Earnest f O, in Earnest, said he. 
 Well then, reply'd I, what would you have me to do ? Why, 
 to leave off Suppers for good and all, and to mix at least one 
 half Water with your Wine. I could not forbear laughing 
 at this excellent Advice, and said to him, If you want to 
 see me decently laid in a Church- Yard, you propose a ready 
 Way for it; for I am sure it would be present Death to 
 me, in the Circumstances of this poor, lean, dispirited Body, to 
 leave off Suppers; and I have try'd that so often, that in short 
 I have no Mind to make the Experiment again. What, pray, 
 do you think would become of me, if, after such Dinners as 
 we have here, I should go supperless to Bed ? And then to bid 
 me mingle Water with such weak insipid Wine ! pray tell me, 
 is it not much better to drink clear Water from the Spring, 
 than to debauch it with this sour dreggy Stiiff? I don't doubt 
 but Orthrogonus put you upon giving me this Advice. At 
 this the Doctor smil'd, and allow'd me better Terms : Most 
 learned Gilbert, said he, / did not say this to you, that you 
 should totally leave off eating Suppers ; you may eat an Egg, 
 and drink a Glass of Wine ; for this is my own Manner of 
 living. I have an Egg boiVd for my Supper, one half of the 
 Yolk I eat myself, and give the other half to my Son ; then I 
 drink half a Glass of Wine, and by the Help of this Refresh- 
 ment I study till late in the Night.
 
 The Wealthy Miser. 279 
 
 Ja. But did this Doctor speak the Truth ? 
 
 Gil. Yes, the very Truth ; for as I was once coming 
 Home from Church, a Gentleman that bore me Company, 
 told me the Doctor dwelt there : I had a Mind to see his 
 Quarters, so I knock'd at the Door, and in I went, I re- 
 member it was on a Sunday ; I found the Doctor, his Son, 
 and Servant, at Dinner ; the Bill of Fare was a Couple of 
 Eggs, and nothing at all else. 
 
 Ja. Why sure they must be mere Skeletons. 
 
 Gil. No, really, they were both plump and in good-liking, 
 fresh-colour'd, their Eyes brisk and lively. 
 
 Ja. I can scarce believe it 
 
 Gil. I tell you nothing but what I know to be true : Nay, 
 he is not the only Man that lives after this Manner, but 
 many others, Men of Fashion and Substance in the World, 
 do the same. Take my Word for it, much eating and drink- 
 ing is rather an Effect of Custom, than of Nature. If a Per- 
 son accustom himself by little and little, he may come in 
 Time to do as much as Milo, to eat up an Ox in a Day's 
 Time. 
 
 Ja. Good God ! if it be possible for a Man to preserve 
 his Health with so little Sustenance, what a great Deal of 
 unnecessary Expence are the Germans, English, Danes, and 
 Poles at upon their Bellies ? 
 
 Gil. A great Deal without Doubt, and that to the apparent 
 Prejudice of their Health and Understanding. 
 
 Ja. But what's the Matter that you could not content 
 yourself with that Way of living ? 
 
 Gil. Because I had accustom'd myself to another Manner, 
 and it was too late to alter my Way of living then. But 
 besides, I did not so much dislike the Quantity of our Pro- 
 vision, as the Quality of it. Two Eggs had been enough 
 for a Meal for me, if they had been fresh-laid ; one Glass of 
 Wine had been enough, if we had not had nasty Lees given 
 us instead of Wine ; half the Bread would have serv'd me, 
 if it had not been mix'd with Chalk. 
 
 Ja. Lord ! that Antronius should be such a sordid Wretch 
 amidst so much Wealth !
 
 280 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Gil. I believe verily he was worth 80,000 Ducats ; and to 
 speak within Compass, he never got less, than 1,000 Ducats 
 a Year besides. 
 
 Ja. But did those young Sparks, for whom he scrap'd all 
 this together, live at the same sparing Rate ? 
 
 Gil. Yes, at Home they did, but it was only there ; for 
 when they got abroad, they would eat, drink, whore, and 
 game notably ; and while their old Father thought much to 
 spend Sixpence at Home, to treat the best Friend he had, 
 these Sparks would make nothing to lose sixty Ducats in a 
 Night at gaming. 
 
 Ja. This is the usual Fate of Estates that are gotten by 
 miserly living ; they are commonly thus spent. But now 
 you are gotten safe out of these great Difficulties, whither 
 are you steering your Course ? 
 
 Gil. I am going to an old Club of merry Cocks, to en- 
 deavour to fetch up what I have lost.
 
 28l 
 
 The SERAPHICK FUNERAL. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 The Seraphick Funeral lays open the Order, Habit, Life, 
 Vows, and horrid Blasphemies of the Franciscans. 
 That the Franciscan Habit will make one that lives 
 to the Devil die to Christ, and is of more Efficacy 
 than Baptism. The Secrets of the Franciscan Order. 
 That the Disciples of St. Francis have greater Pri- 
 vileges than the Disciples of Christ. That a Francis- 
 can Habit will drive away the Devil, and not suffer 
 the Worms to prey upon the dead Corps. That this 
 Dress makes Men happy without Faith. That it 
 would save a Turk, nay the Devil himself, if they 
 did but put it on. That St. Francis has added to 
 the Gospel of Christ. That the Franciscans are for- 
 bid so much as to touch Money. 
 
 PHILECOUS and THEOTIMUS. 
 
 . Why, where have you been, Tkeotimus, with that 
 
 new-fashion'd religious Look ? 
 
 Th. Why so ? 
 
 Ph. You look so stern, methinks, with your Eyes fix'd 
 upon the Ground, your Head lying upon your left Shoulder, 
 and your Beads in your Hand. 
 
 Th. Why, my Friend, if you must needs be made ac- 
 quainted with that which don't concern you, I have been at 
 a Show. 
 
 Ph. What have you been seeing, the Rope-Dancers, or 
 High German Artist, or something of that Nature ?
 
 282 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 T/i. Something pretty like them. 
 
 Ph. In short, you are the first Man I ever saw come from 
 a Show with such a Countenance. 
 
 Th. But let me tell you, this was such a Spectacle, that 
 if yourself had been a Spectator, perhaps you had been 
 more melancholy than I am. 
 
 Ph. But prithee tell me what has made you so religious 
 all on a sudden ? 
 
 Th. I come from the Funeral of a Seraph. 
 
 Ph. What say you ? why, do the Angels die ? 
 
 Th. No, but Angels Fellows do. But not to keep you 
 any longer in Suspense, I suppose you know that famous 
 learned Man Eusebius of Pelusium. 
 
 Ph. What, do you mean he that was degraded of his 
 Authority from a Prince, to the State of a private Man, and 
 of a private Man made an Exile, and of an Exile made 
 little better than a Beggar ; I had like to have said some- 
 thing Worse ? 
 
 Th. You have hit very right, that's the Man. 
 
 Ph. Why, what's come to him ? 
 
 Th. He was bury'd to Day, and I am just come from 
 his Funeral. 
 
 Ph. Sure it must have been a very doleful Sight indeed, 
 to put you into this dismal Mood. 
 
 Th. I'm afraid I shall never be able to tell you what I 
 have seen without weeping. 
 
 Ph. And I am afraid I shan't be able to hear it without 
 laughing : But however, let's have it 
 
 Th. You know that Eusebius has been in a very weak 
 Condition a long Time. 
 
 Ph. Yes, yes, I know that his Body has been worn out 
 for this many a Year. 
 
 Th. In this Sort of slow and consumptive Diseases Phy- 
 sicians frequently foretell the Time of a Man's Death to a 
 Day. 
 
 Ph. They do so. 
 
 Th. They told the Patient, that all the Art of Man could
 
 The Seraphic k Funeral. 283 
 
 do towards his Preservation, had been done for him already : 
 That God indeed could do what was beyond the Power of 
 Physic to effect, but according to human Conjecture he had 
 not above three Days to live. 
 
 Ph. Well, what did he do then ? 
 
 Th. The excellent Eusebius immediately stripping him- 
 self stark-naked, puts on the Habit of the most holy Francis, 
 has his Head shav'd, is drest in an ash-colour'd Cowl and 
 Gown, an hempen knotted Girdle, and cut and slash'd Shoes. 
 
 Ph. What, when he was departing this Life ? 
 
 Th. Even so ; and with a dying Voice profess'd, that if 
 it should please God to restore him to the Health that the 
 Physicians despair'd of, he would serve under Christ accord- 
 ing to the Rule of St. Francis ; and there were several holy 
 Men call'd in to be Witnesses to this Profession. In that 
 Habit dies the famous Man, at the very Time that the 
 Physicians had foretold he would. There came a great 
 many of the Fraternity to assist at his Funeral Solemnity. 
 
 Ph. I wish I had been present at this Sight. 
 
 Th. It would have fetch'd Tears from your Eyes, to have 
 seen with what tenderness the Seraphick Fraternity wash'd 
 the Body, fitted the holy Habit to it, laid, his Hands one 
 over another in the Form of a Cross, uncover'd and kiss'd 
 his naked Feet, and according to the Precept of the Gospel, 
 chear'd up his Countenance with Ointment 
 
 Ph. What a prodigious Humility was this, for the Se- 
 raphick Brethren to take upon them the Office of Washers 
 and Bearers ? 
 
 Th. When this was done, they laid it upon the Bier, and 
 according to the Doctrine of St. Paul, Bear ye one another's 
 Burdens, the Brethren took the Brother upon their Shoul- 
 ders, and carry'd him along the high Way to the Monastery, 
 and there they interr'd him with the usual Songs and Cere- 
 monies. As this venerable Pomp was passing along the 
 Way, I observ'd a great many People, that could not forbear 
 weeping to see a Man, that us'd to go in Silk and Scarlet, 
 now wrapt in a Franciscan's Habit, girded about with a
 
 284 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Rope's End, and the whole Body dispos'd in such a Posture, 
 as must needs move Devotion ; for, as I said, his Head was 
 laid upon his Shoulder, and his Arms across, and every 
 Thing else carry'd a wonderful Appearance of Holiness. 
 And then the March of the Seraphick Brethren themselves 
 with their Heads hanging down, their Eyes fix'd upon the 
 Ground, and their mournful Dirges, so mournful, that I can 
 scarce think that in Hell itself there can be any Thing be- 
 yond it, drew Sighs and Tears in Abundance from the Be- 
 holders. 
 
 Ph. But had he the five Wounds of St. Francis too ? 
 
 Th. I dare not affirm that for a Certainty, but I saw some 
 bluish Scars in his Hands and Feet ; and there was an Hole 
 in the left Side of his Gown ; but I did not dare to look too 
 narrowly ; for they say many People have been undone, by 
 being too curious in these Matters. 
 
 Ph. But did you not see some that laught too ? 
 
 Th. Yes, I did take Notice of some, but I believe they 
 were Hereticks ; there are too many of them in the World 
 now-a-Days. 
 
 Ph. Well, my Theotimus, to deal honestly with you, if I 
 had been there, in my Conscience, I believe I should scarce 
 have been able to forbear laughing too, for Company. 
 
 Th. Pray God you han't got a Spice of that Leaven too ! 
 
 Ph. Good Theotimus, there's no Danger of that ; for I 
 have had a great Veneration for St. Francis from a Child, 
 who, according to the World, was neither wise, nor learned, 
 but very acceptable to God and Man for the strict Mortifi- 
 cation of his worldly Affections ; and not only for him, 
 but for all, who following his Foot-Steps, endeavour from 
 their Hearts to be dead to the World, and to live to Christ. 
 But as to the Habit itself, I value it not ; and I would fain 
 know of you what a dead Man is the better for a Garment ? 
 
 Th. You know it is the Lord's Precept, Not to cast Pearls 
 before Swine, nor to give holy Things to Dogs. Besides, if 
 you ask Questions to make yourself merry with them, I'll 
 tell you nothing at all ; but if you do it with an honest
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 285 
 
 Desire of being inform'd, I'll very freely communicate to 
 you what I have learn 'd from them. 
 
 Ph. I profess myself willing to learn, and promise to be 
 an attentive, teachable, and thankful Scholar. 
 
 Th. In the first Place, you know that there are some Per- 
 sons that are so ambitious, that it is not enough for them to 
 have liv'd proudly and insolently, but they must be bury'd 
 pompously too, when they are dead ; not that the Dead are 
 sensible, but yet while they are alive, they take some Plea- 
 sure by the Force of Imagination, to think of the Pomp of 
 their Funerals. Now I suppose you will not deny, but it is 
 some Degree of Piety to renounce this vain Affectation. 
 
 Ph. I will own it, if there be no other Way to avoid the 
 Vanity of pompous Funerals : But in my Opinion, it is 
 more modest for a Prince, when he is dead, to be wrapt in 
 a coarse Winding-Sheet, and to be carry'd by the common 
 Bearers, and interr'd in the common Burying-Place among 
 the common Sort of People ; for they that were carry'd, as 
 Eusebius was carry'd, do rather seem to have chang'd their 
 Pride than avoided it. 
 
 Th. It is the Intention of the Mind that God accepts, 
 and it is His Province only to judge of Mens Hearts. But 
 what I have told you is but a small Matter, there are greater 
 Things behind. 
 
 Ph. What are they ? 
 
 Th. They profess themselves of the Order of St. Francis's 
 Rule before their Death. 
 
 Ph. What, that they'll observe it in the Elysian Fields ? 
 
 Th. No, but in this World, if they happen to recover, and 
 it oftentimes has happen'd, that they, that have been given 
 over by the Physicians, have, by God's Blessing, recover'd 
 as soon as ever they have put on this holy Robe. 
 
 Ph. Ay, and it often happens so to those that never put 
 it on at all. 
 
 Th. We ought to walk with Simplicity in the Way of 
 Faith. If there were no extraordinary Advantage in this 
 Case, certainly so many learned and eminent Persons, even
 
 286 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 among the Italians themselves, would not be so desirous of 
 being bury'd in this holy Habit. But lest you should object 
 against the Examples of Strangers, I'll tell you that one 
 whom you very deservedly had an high Esteem for, was 
 thus bury'd ; Rudolphus Agricola, and so was Christop/ter 
 Longolius too. 
 
 Ph. I don't regard what Men do, being delirious at the 
 Point of Death : I would fain have you tell me what good 
 professing, or being cloath'd, does a Man, when he comes to 
 be terrify'd with the Fears of Death, and discompos'd with 
 Despair of Life. Vows are of no Force, unless they be made 
 in sound Sense and Sobriety, with mature Deliberation, 
 without either Force, Fear, or Guilt. Nay, if nothing of all 
 this were requir'd, such a Vow is not binding till after the 
 Expiration of the Year of Probation, at which Time they 
 are commanded to wear the Coat and Hood. This is what 
 St. Francis himself says ; so that if they recover, they are at 
 Liberty in two Respects, because a Vow is not binding that 
 is made by a Man under an Astonishment, betwixt the Hope 
 of Life and the Fear of Death ; and because Profession does 
 not oblige a Man before the wearing of the Hood. 
 
 Th. Whether it be an Obligation or no, it is certain they 
 think it one ; and the Resignation of the whole Mind is ac- 
 ceptable to God. And this is the Reason that the good 
 Works of Monks, if we allow them to be but equal with 
 other Persons, are more acceptable to God than those of 
 other Men are, because they spring from the best Root. 
 
 Ph. I shall not here enter into the Examination of 
 the Merit of a Man's dedicating himself wholly to God, 
 when he is no longer in his own Power. I take it that 
 every Christian delivers himself up wholly to God in his 
 Baptism, when he renounces all the Pomps and Vanities of 
 Satan, and lists himself a Soldier to fight under Christ's 
 Banner all his Life after. And St. Paul, speaking of those 
 that die with Christ, that tJiey may live no longer to them- 
 selves, but to him that died for them ; does not mean this of 
 Monks only, but of Christians universally.
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 287 
 
 Th. You have very seasonably put me in Mind of Bap- 
 tism ; for in Times past, if they were but dip'd or sprinkled 
 at the last Gasp, there was Hope given them of eternal Life. 
 
 Ph. Tis no great Matter what the Bishops promise ; but 
 'tis a Matter of great Uncertainty what God will do ; for if 
 it were certain that such Men were presently made Citizens 
 of Heaven, by having a little Water sprinkled in their Faces, 
 what greater Gap could be laid open, that worldly Men 
 might all their Life long serve their filthy Lusts and Appe- 
 tites, and then get two or three Drops of Water sprinkled 
 upon them, when they were not able to sin any longer ? 
 Now if the same Rule holds in your Profession, and this 
 Baptism, it is very well provided for the wicked, that they 
 may not be damn'd ; that is, that they may live to the 
 Devil, and die to Christ. 
 
 Th. If it be lawful to divulge the Seraphick Mysteries, the 
 Profession of a Franciscan is more efficacious than Baptism. 
 
 Ph. What's that you say ? 
 
 Th. In Baptism our Sins are only wash'd away, and the 
 Soul, tho' it be purg'd, is left naked ; but he that is invested 
 with this Profession, is presently enrich'd with the egregious 
 Merits of the whole Order, by being grafted into the Body 
 of the most holy Fraternity. 
 
 Ph. Well, and pray is he that is ingrafted into the Body 
 of Christ never the better neither for the Head nor the 
 Body ? 
 
 Th. He is never the better for the Seraphick Body, unless 
 he deserves it by some special Bounty or Favour. 
 
 Ph. Pray from what Angel had they this Revelation ? 
 
 Th. Let me tell you, not from any Angel, but Christ him- 
 self with his own Mouth reveal'd this, and a great Deal more 
 to St. Francis, Face to Face. 
 
 Ph. I intreat you, if you have any Kindness for me, and 
 I adjure you, tell me what the Discourses were. 
 
 Th. These are deep profound Mysteries, nor is it meet to 
 commit them to profane Ears. 
 
 Ph. Why profane, my Friend ? I never wish'd better to 
 any Order than to the Seraphick.
 
 288 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Th. But you give them shrewd Wipes sometimes. 
 
 Ph. This is a Sign of Love, Theotimus. The greatest 
 Enemies of the Order are those Professors of it, that by 
 their ill Lives bring a Scandal upon it. And whosoever 
 wishes well to the Order, can't but be offended with the 
 Corrupters of it. 
 
 Th. But I am afraid St. Francis will be angry with me, if 
 I blab any of his Secrets. 
 
 Ph. What can you be afraid of from so harmless a Person ? 
 
 Th. What ? why lest he should strike me blind, or cause 
 me to run mad, as I am told he has done to many, who 
 have deny'd the Print of the five Wounds. 
 
 Ph. Why then the Saints are worse in Heaven, than they 
 were upon Earth. I have heard that St. Francis was of so 
 meek a Disposition, that when Boys out of Roguery would 
 be throwing Cheese, Milk, Dirt, and Stones into his homely 
 Cowl, as it hung down at his Back, he was not at all mov'd 
 at it, but walk'd on his Way chearful and pleasant ; and 
 what, is he now become so angry and revengeful ? And at 
 another Time when one of his Companions call'd him Thief, 
 sacrilegious, Murderer, incestuous, Sot, and all the Rogues 
 he could think on, he thank'd him, confessing himself guilty. 
 But one of the Company wondering at such an Acknow- 
 ledgement, / had done worse than all this, says he, unless 
 God's Grace had restrained me. How then comes St. Francis 
 now to be so vindictive ? 
 
 Th. It is so : The Saints, now they are in Heaven, will 
 take no Affront. Was ever any Man gentler than Cornelius, 
 milder than Antony, or more patient than Jo/m the Baptist, 
 while they liv'd upon Earth ? But now they are in Heaven, 
 what dreadful Diseases do they send among us, if we do 
 not worship them as we should do ? 
 
 Ph. I am of Opinion that they rather cure our Diseases 
 than cause them. But however, assure yourself, that what 
 you say to me, you say to a Man that is neither profane, 
 nor a Blab. 
 
 Th. Well, come on then, depending upon your Secrecy,
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 289 
 
 I'll tell you something relating to this Matter. Good St. 
 Francis, I intreat thee and the Society, that I may have 
 your Leave to relate what I have heard ! St. Paul, you 
 know, was endow'd with an hidden Wisdom, which he did 
 not communicate openly, but in private, to such as were 
 perfect. So have the Seraphicks also certain Mysteries, 
 which they do not make common, but only communicate 
 them in private to certain blessed Widows, and other choice 
 and godly People, that are Well-wishers to the Seraphick 
 Society. 
 
 Ph. I am impatient to hear this triple holy Revelation. 
 
 Th. In the first Place, the Lord foretold the Seraphick 
 Patriarch, that the more the Seraphick Society increas'd, the 
 more abundantly he would make Provision for them. 
 
 Ph. So then, at first Dash here are those People's Mouths' 
 stop'd, who complain that those People growing more nu- 
 merous every Day, are a Burden to the Public. 
 
 Th. And secondly, he discover'd this, that annually upon 
 St. Francis'?, Day, all the Souls not only of the Brotherhood, 
 who wear the holy Habit, but also of those who wish well 
 to that Order, and are Benefactors to the Brotherhood, 
 should be discharg'd from the Fire of Purgatory. 
 
 Ph. Why, did Christ talk so familiarly with him ? 
 
 Th. Why not ? Yes he did, as familiarly as one Friend or 
 Companion would do with another. God the Father con- 
 vers'd with Moses ; and Moses communicated the Law so 
 deliver'd to him, to the People : Christ publish'd the Evan- 
 gelical Law, and St. Francis deliver'd two Copies of his 
 Law, that had been written by the Hands of an Angel, to the 
 Seraphick Fraternity. 
 
 Ph. I want to hear the third Revelation. 
 
 Th. The worthy Patriarch was in Fear, lest the Evil One 
 should corrupt, by Night, the good Seed which had been 
 sown, and the Wheat should be rooted up with the Tares. 
 The Lord likewise freed him from this Scruple, promising 
 him, that he would take it into his Care, that none of the 
 
 VOL. II. T
 
 290 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 half-shod, rope-girded Tribe, should ever miscarry, even till 
 the Day of Judgment. 
 
 Ph. Oh, the Kindness of God ! If it were not so, the 
 Church of God would be undone. But go on. 
 
 Th. And then fourthly, he discover'd to him, that none 
 that liv'd impiously should long persevere in that Order. 
 
 Ph. Why, does not he that lives wickedly fall from the 
 Order ? 
 
 Th. No more than he that lives wickedly denies Christ ; 
 altho' in a Sense they may be said to deny God, who pro- 
 fess him in Words, but in Works deny him. But whosoever 
 has cast off the holy Habit, he irreparably falls from the 
 Order. 
 
 Ph. What shall we say then of so many Monasteries of 
 Conventuals who have Money, drin-k, game, whore, and keep 
 Concubines publickly ; not to mention any Thing else. 
 
 Th. St. Francis never wore a Garment of that Colour, I 
 mean a grey, nor a Girdle of white Linen ; and therefore, 
 when they come to knock at Heaven Gates, it will be said 
 to them, / never knew you, for that they have not on the 
 Wedding-Garment 
 
 Ph. Well, what, have you any more ? 
 
 Th. You have heard nothing yet to what is behind. In 
 the fifth Place, he made known to him, that those who 
 were Enemies, to the Seraphitk Order, such as there are but 
 too many, the more is the Pity, should never live half the 
 Time God had appointed them, without making-away with 
 themselves ; and that unless they anticipated their Fate, 
 they should suddenly come to. a miserable End. 
 
 Ph. We have, among Abundance of other Instances, seen 
 that made good in Matthew- Cardinal of Sedunum, who had 
 a very ill Opinion, and spoke ill of the half-shod Fraternity ; 
 for he died, I think, before he was full 50 Years of Age. 
 
 Th. You say very right ; but then he had done Injury to 
 the Cherubick Order likewise : For they say, it was brought 
 about chiefly by his Management, that the four Dominicans 
 were burnt at Bern, when otherwise they would have over- 
 come the Pope's Resentment by Money.
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 291 
 
 Ph. But they say they had begun to act a Piece of most 
 monstrous Impiety. They attempted, by false Visions and 
 Miracles, to persuade People, that the Virgin Mary was 
 polluted with original Sin, and that St. Francis had not the 
 genuine Marks of Christ's Wounds, and that Catharina Se- 
 nensis had them more authentickly ; but had promis'd the 
 most perfect of them all to the Lay-Man they had converted, 
 and suborn'd to act this Farce, and had abus'd the Body of 
 the Lord, to carry on the Imposture, and afterwards with 
 Clubs and Poisons. And in the last Place they say, that 
 this Project was not carry'd on by one University only, but 
 by all the Heads of the whole Order. 
 
 Th. Let that be as it will, it was not without Reason that 
 God said, Touch not mine A nointed. 
 
 Ph. I want to hear what is to come. 
 
 Th. The sixth Revelation is behind, in which the Lord 
 sware to him, that those that were Favourers of the Seraphick 
 Order, how wickedly soever they liv'd, should one Time or 
 other obtain Mercy from the Lord, and end their wicked 
 Life with a blessed Death. 
 
 Ph. What if they should be caught and kill'd in the very 
 Act of Adultery ? 
 
 Th. What God has promis'd, cannot fail of being per- 
 form'd. 
 
 Ph. But what is it that they interpret Favour and Good- 
 Will by ? 
 
 Th. Oh ! do you doubt of that ? He that gives them 
 Presents,, that cloaths them, furnishes their Kitchen, he loves 
 them long ago. 
 
 Ph. But does he not love those that give them Admoni- 
 tions and Instructions ? 
 
 Th. They have enough of those Things at Home ; and it 
 is their Profession to bestow these Benefits on other Persons, 
 and not to receive them from them. 
 
 Ph. Then the Lord has promis'd more to the Disciples of 
 St. Francis, than he has to his own. He indeed suffers it to 
 be imputed to him, if aay Thing be done for his Sake to a
 
 2 92 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Christian, but he never promis'd Salvation to such as live 
 wickedly. 
 
 Th. That's no Wonder, my Friend ; for the transcendent 
 Power of the Gospel is reserv'd for this Order. But you 
 shall now hear the seventh and last Revelation. 
 
 Ph. I am ready to hear it. 
 
 Th. The Lord sware to him, that none should make an 
 ill End, who dy'd in a Franciscan'?, Habit. 
 
 Ph. But what is it, that you call an ill End ? 
 
 Th. Why, he makes an ill End, that when his Soul leaves 
 the Body, it goes down directly into Hell without any Re- 
 demption. 
 
 Ph. But what then, does not the Habit deliver from the 
 Fire of Purgatory ? 
 
 Th. No, unless a Person dies in it upon St. Francis'?, Day. 
 But don't you think it is a great Thing to be freed from 
 Hell ? 
 
 Ph. Yes, I think it is the greatest of all. But what must 
 we think of those Persons, who are put into the Habit, after 
 they are dead, and don't actually die in it ? 
 
 Th. If they desire it in their Life-Time, the Will is taken 
 for the Deed. 
 
 Ph. When I was at Antwerp, I was present in the Com- 
 pany of the Relations of a Woman, that was just giving up 
 the Ghost. There was a Franciscan by, a very reverend 
 Man, who observing the Woman to yawn, put one of her 
 Arms into the Sleeve of his Garment, so that it cover'd that 
 Arm, and Part of the Shoulder ; and there was a Dispute 
 rais'd upon it, whether the whole Woman should be safe from 
 the Gates of Hell, or that Part only which had been cover'd. 
 
 Th. Why, the whole Woman was secur'd ; as it is in Bap- 
 tism, but Part of the Person is dip'd in the Water, but the 
 whole Person is made a Christian. 
 
 Ph. It is wonderful what a Dread the Devils have of this 
 Habit. 
 
 Th. They dread it more than they do the Cross of Christ. 
 When Eusebius was carry 'd to the Grave, I saw, and so did
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 293 
 
 many others besides me, Swarms of black Devils, like Flies, 
 buzzing about the Body, and striking at it ; but not one of 
 them durst to touch it. 
 
 Ph. But in the mean Time, his Face, his Hands, and his 
 Feet were in Danger, because they were bare. 
 
 Th. As a Snake will not come near the Shadow of an Ash, 
 let it spread ever so far ; so the Devils are sensible of the 
 Venom of the holy Garment at a great Distance. 
 
 Ph. Why then, I believe, such Bodies do not putrify ; if 
 they do, the Worms have more Courage than the Devils. 
 
 Th. What you say is very probable. 
 
 Ph. How happy are the Lice, which always live in that 
 holy Garment ! But when the Garment is going to the 
 Grave, what becomes of the Soul ? 
 
 Th. Why the Soul carries away with it the Influence of 
 the Garment, and renders it secure ; so that a great many 
 will not allow, that any of that Order do go at all to Purga- 
 tory. 
 
 Ph. In Truth, if this Revelation were true, I would esteem 
 it at an higher Rate than that of St. John ; for this shews 
 us an easy and a ready Way, without Labour, Trouble, or 
 Repentance, to escape eternal Misery, and yet to live all our 
 Life long merrily. 
 
 Th. It is so. 
 
 Ph. From henceforth I shall leave off admiring at the 
 great Deference that so many pay to the Seraphick Fra- 
 ternity: But I stand in great Admiration that any Man 
 should dare to open his Mouth against them. 
 
 Th. You may observe where-ever you see them, that they 
 are Persons given over to a reprobate Mind, and blinded 
 in their Wickedness. 
 
 Ph. I will for the future be more cautious than I have 
 been, and take Care to die in a Franciscan Habit. But 
 there are some risen up in our Age who will have it, that a 
 Man is justified only by Faith, without the Help of good 
 Works ; but it is the greatest Privilege in the World to be 
 saved by a Garment without Faith.
 
 294 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Th. Don't mistake me, Philecous ; I don't say simply 
 without Faith, but with this Faith of believing, that the 
 Things I have told you were promised by our Saviour to 
 the Patriarch St. Francis, 
 
 Ph. But will this Garment save a Turk ? 
 
 Th. It would save the Devil himself, if he would but 
 suffer it to be put on him, and could but believe this Reve- 
 lation. 
 
 Ph. Well, thou hast won me for ever ; but I have a Scruple 
 or two more, that I would desire you to clear up for me. 
 
 Th. Let me hear them. 
 
 Ph. I have heard that St. Francis has said his Order was 
 of evangelical Institution. 
 
 Th. True. 
 
 Ph. Now I thought that all Christians had profess'd the 
 Rule of the Gospel ; but if the Franciscan'?, Order be a 
 Gospel one, then all Christians ought to be Franciscans, and 
 Christ himself, his Apostles, and the Virgin-Mother at the 
 Head of them. 
 
 Th. It would be so indeed, unless St. Francis had added 
 some Things to the Gospel of Christ. 
 
 Ph. What Things are they ? 
 
 Th. An Ash-colour'd Garment, an Hempen Girdle, and 
 naked Feet. 
 
 Ph. Well then, by these Marks we may know an evan- 
 gelical Christian from a Franciscan, may we ? 
 
 Th. But they differ too in the Point of touching Money. 
 
 Ph. But, as I am inform'd, St. Francis forbids the receiv- 
 ing of it, not the touching of it ; but the Owner, or the 
 Proctor, the Creditor, the Heir, or the Proxy does commonly 
 receive it ; and tho' he draws it over with his Glove on, and 
 does not touch it, nevertheless he is said to receive it. 
 Whence then came this new Interpretation, that not to re 
 ceive it, is not to touch it ? 
 
 Th. This was the Interpretation of Pope Benedict. 
 
 Ph. But not as a Pope, but only as a Franciscan. And 
 then again, do not the most strict of the Order take Money 
 in a Clout, when it is given them in their Pilgrimages ?
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 295 
 
 77?. They do in a Case of Necessity. 
 
 Ph. But a Man should rather die than violate so super- 
 evangelical a Rule. And then, do they not receive Money 
 every-where by their Officers ? 
 
 Th. Why should they not, and that thousands and thou- 
 sands too, as they do frequently ? 
 
 Pk. But the Rule says, not by themselves, nor by any 
 Body else. 
 
 Th. Well, but they don't touch it. 
 
 Ph. O ridiculous ! if the Touch be impious, they touch it 
 by others. 
 
 Th. But that is the Act and Deed of the Proctors, not 
 their own. 
 
 Ph. Is it not so ? Let him try it that has a Mind to it 
 
 Th. We never read that Christ touch'd Money, 
 
 Ph. Suppose it, tho' it is very probable that, when he was 
 a Youth, he might buy Oil, and Vinegar, and Salads for 
 his Parents : But Peter and Paul, without all Controversy, 
 touch'd it. The Virtue consists in the Contempt of Money, 
 and not in the not touching of it. It is much more dan- 
 gerous to touch Wine, than to touch Money ; why are they 
 not afraid of that ? 
 
 Th. Because St. Francis did not forbid it 
 
 Ph. Do they not readily enough offer their Hands, which 
 they keep soft with Idleness, and white with Washes, to 
 pretty Wenches ? but, bless me ! if you offer them a Piece 
 of Money to look upon, and see if it be good, how do they 
 start back and cross themselves ! Is not this an evangelical 
 Nicety ? In Truth, I believe St. Francis^ illiterate as he 
 was, was never so silly as to have absolutely forbid all 
 touching of Money. And if that were his Opinion, to how 
 great a Danger did he expose his Followers, in command- 
 ing them to go barefoot ? for it is scarce possible, but that 
 one Time or another, they might unawares tread upon 
 Money lying on the Ground. 
 
 Th. Well, but then they don't touch it with their Hands. 
 Ph. Why, pray is not the Sense of touching common to 
 the whole Body ?
 
 296 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 TJi. But in Case any such Thing should fall out, they do 
 not officiate after it till they have been at Confession. 
 
 Ph. 'Tis conscientiously done. 
 
 Th. But without cavilling, I'll tell you how it is ; Money 
 ever was, and ever will be, the Occasion of very great Evils 
 to many Persons. 
 
 Ph. I allow it : But then, on the other Hand, it is an In- 
 strument of as much good to others. I find the inordinate 
 Love of Money to be condemned ; but I nowhere find 
 Money itself to be so. 
 
 Th. You say very well ; but that we may be kept at 
 greater Distance from the Disease of Covetousness, we are 
 forbid to touch Money, as we are forbid by the Gospel to 
 swear at all, that we may be kept from Perjury. 
 
 Ph. Why then is not the Sight of Money forbidden too ? 
 
 Th. Because it is easier to govern our Hands than Eyes. 
 
 Ph. And yet Death itself entred into the World at those 
 Windows. 
 
 Th. And therefore your true Franciscans pull their Cowls 
 over their Eye-Brows, and walk with their Eyes cover'd and 
 fixt upon the Ground, that they may see nothing but their 
 Way, just like Carriers Horses, that have Winkers on each 
 Side of their Head-Geer, that they may see nothing but 
 what is before them, and at their Feet 
 
 Ph. But tell me, is it true as I hear, that they are for- 
 bidden by their Order to receive any Indulgences from the 
 Pope ? 
 
 Th. They are so. 
 
 Ph. But as I am inform 'd, there are no Men in the World 
 that have more of them than they have ; so that they are 
 allow'd either to poison, or bury alive, those that they them- 
 selves have condemn'd, without any Danger of being called 
 to Account for it 
 
 Th. What you have heard is no Fiction ; for I was told 
 once by a Polander, and a Man of Credit too, that he, having 
 gotten drunk, fell fast asleep in the Franciscans Church, in 
 one of the Corners where the Women sit to make their Con-
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 297 
 
 fessions thro' a Lattice ; and being awak'd by the singing of 
 their Nocturns, according to Custom, he did not dare to 
 discover himself: and when the Office was over, the whole 
 Fraternity went down into the Vault, where there was a 
 large deep Grave ready made, and there stood two young 
 Men with their Hands tied behind them : There was a Ser- 
 mon preach'd in Praise of Obedience, and a Promise of 
 God's Pardon for all their Sins, and some Hope given them 
 that God would incline the Minds of the Brotherhood to 
 Mercy, if they would voluntarily go down into the Grave 
 and lay themselves upon their Backs there. They did so, 
 and as soon as they were down, the Ladders were drawn up, 
 and the Brethren all together flung the Dirt upon them. 
 
 Ph. Well, but did the Polander say nothing all the while ? 
 
 Th. No, not a Word ; he was afraid, if he had discover'd 
 himself, he should have made the third Person. 
 
 Ph. But can they justify this ? 
 
 Th. Yes, they may as often as the Honour of the Order 
 is call'd in Question ; for he, as soon as he had made his 
 Escape, told what he had seen in all the Companies he came 
 into, to the great Scandal of the whole Seraphick Order. 
 And had it not been better now that this Man had been 
 buried alive ? 
 
 Ph. It may be it had ; but omitting these Niceties, how 
 comes it that when their Patriarch has ordered them to go 
 barefoot, they now go commonly half-shod ? 
 
 Th. This Injunction was moderated for two Reasons, the 
 one for Fear they should tread upon Money unawares ; the 
 other lest Cold, or Thorns, or Snakes, or Flint, or any such 
 Thing should hurt them, since they are oblig'd to travel 
 barefoot all the World over : But however that that might 
 be, and the Dignity of the Rule preserved inviolable, the 
 Slashes in the Shoes shew the naked Foot, and so fulfil the 
 Rule by Synecdoche. 
 
 Ph. They value themselves much upon their professing 
 evangelical Perfection, which, they say, consists in evan- 
 gelical Precepts ; but about those Precepts the Learned
 
 298 Colloqides of Erasmus. 
 
 themselves have hot Disputes. And in every State of Life 
 there is Room for evangelical Perfection. But now which 
 do you reckon the most perfect of the Gospel Precepts ? 
 
 Th. I believe that you find in the fifth of Matthew which 
 ends thus, Love your Enemies, do good to tJiem that hate you, 
 and pray for those that persecute you and revile you, that you 
 may be the Children of your Father who is in Heaven, who 
 maketh his Sun to shine upon the good and the evil, andsendeth 
 Rain ttpon the just and the unjust ; therefore be ye perfect, as 
 your heavenly FatJier is perfect. 
 
 Ph. You have answer'd very pertinently ; but then our 
 Father is rich and munificent to all People, asking nothing 
 of any Man. 
 
 Th. And so are they bountiful too, but it is of spiritual 
 Things, of Prayers and good Works, in which they are very 
 rich. 
 
 Ph. I would there were among them more Examples of 
 that evangelical Charity, that returns Blessings for Cursings, 
 and Good for Evil. What is the Meaning of that celebrated 
 Saying of Pope Alexander, 'Tis safer to affront the most 
 powerful Prince, than any one single Franciscan or Domi- 
 nican ? 
 
 Th. It is lawful to avenge an Injury offer'd to the Dignity 
 of the Order ; and what is done to the least of them, is done 
 to the whole Order. 
 
 Ph. But why not rather the Good that is done to one, is 
 done to the whole Order ? And why shall not an Injury 
 done to one Christian engage all Christendom in Revenge ? 
 Why did not St. Paul, when he was beaten and stoned, call 
 for Succour against the Enemies of his apostolical Character? 
 Now, if according to the Saying of our Saviour, it be more 
 blessed to give than receive, certainly he that lives and 
 teaches well, and gives of his own to those that are in Want, 
 is much perfecter than he that is only on the receiving 
 Hand ; or otherwise St Paul's Boast of preaching the 
 Gospel gratis is vain and idle. It seems to me to be the 
 best Proof of an evangelical Disposition, that Persons are
 
 The Seraphick Funeral. 299 
 
 not angry when reproached, and have a Christian Charity 
 for those that ill deserve it What great Matter is it for a 
 Man to relinquish something of his own, to live better upon 
 that which is another Body's, and to reserve to himself a 
 Desire of Revenge ? The World is full every where of this 
 half-shod, rope-girt Sort of People ; but there is scarce one 
 of them to be found that presses after that which Christ 
 calls Perfection, and the Apostles constantly practised. 
 
 Th. I am no Stranger to the Stories that wicked Persons 
 tell of them ; but for my own Part, where ever I see the 
 sacred Habit, I think the Angels of God are by ; and count 
 that a happy House, whose Threshold is most worn by their 
 Feet. 
 
 Ph. And I am of Opinion, that Women are no where 
 more fruitful than where these Men are most familiar. But 
 I beg St. Francis's Pardon, Theotimus, for being so much 
 out of the Way. I really took their Habit to be no more 
 than a Garment, nor one Jot better than a Sailor's Jacket, 
 or a Shoemaker's Coat, setting aside the Holiness of the 
 Person that wears it, as the Touch of our Saviour's Gar- 
 ment cured the Woman with the bloody Issue. Or else I 
 could not satisfy myself whether I was to thank the Weaver, 
 or the Taylor, for the Virtue of it. 
 
 Th. Without Doubt he that gives the Form gives the 
 Virtue. 
 
 Ph. Well then, for Time to come I'll live more merrily, 
 and not torment myself with the Fear of Hell, the Tedious- 
 ness of Confession, or the Torment of Repentance.
 
 300 
 
 AMICITI A, or FRIENDSHIP. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Amicitia treats of the Sympathy and Antipathy of 
 Things. A Serpent is an Enemy to Mankind and 
 Lizards: He loves Milk, hates the Smell of Gar lick. 
 A Crocodile is a mortal Enemy to Mankind. A 
 Dolphin is a greater Lover of them. Every Kind 
 of Animal by mere Instinct fears its Enemy. A 
 Horse mortally hates a Bear. An Elephant loves 
 a Man wonderfully, but hates a Dragon, a Mouse, 
 and a Swallow. A Dog is a very friendly Creature 
 to Man, and a Wolf as great an Enemy, so that the 
 very Sight of him strikes a Man dumb. A Spider 
 is a great Enemy to a Serpent and a Toad. A 
 Toad is cured immediately by eating of Plantane. 
 The History of a Monk that was rescued from a 
 Toad. An Ape is very fearful of a Tortoise; an 
 A cant his of an Ass; a Beetle of an Eagle; a Dove of 
 a Hawk. A Lion is struck with Fear by the crowing 
 of a Cock. A Monkey admires Coneys. TJie Boxtree 
 chases away Serpents. Moths are turned into But- 
 terflies, and being dead are sensible of the Touch of a 
 Spider. Even a dead Body detects a Murderer. An 
 Oak has an Enmity to an Olive-tree, and a Wal- 
 nut-tree ; a Vine to a Cole-wort. Garlick is very 
 friendly to Lilies. Rivers have their Antipathy : 
 Winds, Stars, and Genii, are some of them friendly,
 
 Friendship. 301 
 
 others noxious. Oxen love one Companion, but hate 
 another. Men have a secret Antipathy against some 
 Persons. Boys themselves love one Play-Fellow, but 
 shun the Company of another. Erasmus at eight 
 Years of Age had a mortal Aversion to a Lyar, by 
 some secret Guidance of Nature. Every one ought 
 to avoid that Way of Lively hood, that he has a na- 
 tural Aversion to. We ought to have Charity for 
 all, but Familiarity with very few. 
 
 EPHORINUS and JOHN. 
 
 p?PH. I often admire with myself what God Nature con- 
 sulted when it intermixt certain secret Amities and 
 Enmities in all Things, for which there is no probable Rea- 
 son to be given, unless for her own Entertainment, as we 
 set Cocks and Quails a fighting to make us Diversion. 
 
 Joh. I don't very well take in what you aim at. 
 
 Eph. Well then, I'll tell you in familiar Instances : You 
 know that Serpents generally are Enemies to Mankind. 
 
 Joh. I know there is an old Enmity betwixt them and us, 
 and an irreconcileable one ; which will be so as long as we 
 remember that unlucky Apple. 
 
 Eph. Do you know the Lizard ? 
 
 Joh. Why not ? 
 
 Eph. There are very large green ones in Italy. This Crea- 
 ture is by Nature very friendly to Mankind, and an utter 
 Enemy to Serpents. 
 
 Joh. How does this appear ? 
 
 Eph. Which Way soever a Man turns his Face they will 
 gather about him, turn their Heads towards him, look stead- 
 fastly in his Face, and view him a long Time : If he spits, 
 they will lick up his Spittle ; nay, I have seen 'em drink up 
 a Boy's Piss. They suffer themselves to be handled by Boys, 
 and will suffer themselves to be hurt by them without doing 
 them any Harm ; and if you put 'em to your Mouth, they
 
 3O2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 love to lick your Spittle ; but if you catch them, and set 
 them a fighting together, it is wonderful to see how fierce 
 they are, and will not at all meddle with him that set them 
 a fighting. If any one is walking in the Fields in a hollow 
 Way, by rustling the Bushes sometimes in one Place, and 
 sometimes in another, they will make him take Notice of 
 them. One that is not acquainted with it, would think they 
 were Serpents ; when you look at them they turn their Heads 
 to look at you till you stand still ; if you go on, they follow 
 you ; and if a Man be doing any Thing, they will make him 
 take Notice of them. You would think they were sporting, 
 and mightily delighted with the Sight of a Man. 
 
 Joh. 'Tis very admirable. 
 
 Eph. I saw once a very large and charming green Lizard 
 fighting with a Serpent, at the Entrance of a Hole ; I won- 
 dred at first what was the Meaning of it, for I could not see 
 the Serpent ; an Italian told me that the Serpent was within ; 
 by and by the Lizard comes to us, as it were shewing us 
 her Wounds, and begging a Remedy, and did not only suffer 
 herself to be touch'd, but as often as we stood still she stood 
 still, viewing us very earnestly. The Serpent had almost 
 gnawed away one of her Sides, and of green had made it red. 
 
 Joh. Had I been there, I should have had a Mind to 
 avenge the Lizard's Quarrel. 
 
 Eph. But her Enemy had hid herself in the bottom of the 
 Hole : But some Days after we had the Pleasure to see her 
 revenge herself. 
 
 Joh. I am glad at my Heart ; but prithee how was it ? 
 
 Eph. We happened to be walking near the same Place, 
 and the Serpent had been drinking at a Spring hard by, 
 for it was so violent hot Weather, that we were like to perish 
 with Thirst. A Boy of about thirteen Years old, the Man's 
 Son where we lodg'd, having fled from Bononia for Fear of 
 the Pestilence, happen'd very luckily to come by, with a 
 Hay-Rake upon his Shoulder; as soon as he saw the Serpent 
 he cries out. 
 
 Joh. Perhaps for Fear.
 
 Friendship. 303 
 
 Eph. No, for Joy, rejoicing that he had found the Enemy. 
 The Boy strikes him with the Rake, the Serpent rolls him- 
 self up ; but he laid on, till, having broke his Head, the 
 Serpent stretch'd himself out, which they never do, but when 
 they are dying ; that's the Reason that you have heard the 
 Apologist, concerning a Crab-Fish, who killing a Serpent 
 that was his Enemy, when he saw him stretch'd out, says 
 thus, You might to have gone so wJten you were alive. 
 
 Joh. That was bravely done ; but how then ? 
 
 Eph. The Boy takes him upon his Rake, and hangs him 
 upon a Shrub over the Cave, and in a few Days Time we 
 saw the Leaves tinctur'd with the Blood of the Serpent. The 
 Husbandmen of that Place related to us a wonderful strange 
 Thing for a certain Truth ; that the Countrymen, being 
 weary sometimes, sleep in that Field, and have sometimes 
 with them a Pitcher of Milk, which serves both for Victuals 
 and Drink ; that Serpents are great Lovers of Milk, and so 
 it often happens, that they come in- their Way : But they 
 have a Remedy for that. 
 
 Joh. Pray what is it ? 
 
 Eph. They dawb the Brims of the Pitcher with Garlick, 
 and the Smell of that drives away the Serpents. 
 
 Joh. What does Horace mean then, when he says Garlick 
 is a Poison more hurtful than Henbane,, when you say it is 
 an Antidote against Poison ? 
 
 Eph. But hear a little, I have something to tell you that 
 is worse than that : They often creep slily into the Mouth 
 of a Man, that lies sleeping with his Mouth open, and so 
 wind themselves into his Stomach. 
 
 Joh. And, does not a Man die immediately, that has en- 
 tertain'd such a Guest ? 
 
 Eph. No, but lives most miserably; nor is there any 
 Remedy, but to feed the Man with Milk, and other Things 
 that the Serpent loves. 
 
 Joh. What,, no Remedy against such a Calamity ? ' 
 
 Eph. Yes, to eat Abundance of Garlick. 
 
 Joh. No Wonder then> Mowers love Garlick.
 
 304 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Eph. But those that are tired with Heat and Labour, have 
 their Remedy another Way ; for, when they are in Danger 
 of this Misfortune, very often a Lizard, though but a little 
 Creature, saves a Man. 
 
 Joh. How can he save him ? 
 
 Eph. When he perceives a Serpent lying perdue, in Wait 
 for the Man, he runs about upon the Man's Neck and Face, 
 and never gives over, till he has waked the Man by tickling 
 him, and clawing him gently with his Nails ; and as soon 
 as the Man wakes, and sees the Lizard near him, he knows 
 the Enemy is somewhere not far off in Ambuscade ; and 
 looking about, seizes him. 
 
 Joh. The wonderful Power of Nature ! 
 
 Eph. Now, there is no living Creature that is so great an 
 Enemy to a Man as a Crocodile, who oftentimes devours 
 Men whole, and assists his Malice by an Artifice ; having 
 sucked in Water, he makes the Paths slippery where they 
 go to the Nile to draw Water, and when they fall down, 
 there swallows 'em up. Nor can you be ignorant, that Dol- 
 phins, that live in a quite different Element, are great Lovers 
 of Men. 
 
 Joh. I have heard a very famous Story of a Boy who was 
 beloved by one ; and a more famous one than that, about 
 A rion. 
 
 Eph. Besides that, in catching Mullets the Fishermen 
 make Use of the Assistance of Dolphins instead of Dogs ; 
 and when they have caught their Prey, give them Part for 
 their Pains. Nay, more than that, they suffer themselves to 
 be chastised, if they commit any Fault in their hunting them. 
 They frequently appear to Mariners at Sea, rejoicing and 
 playing upon the Top of the Waves ; sometimes swimming 
 to the Ship Sides, and leaping over the spread Sails, they 
 are so delighted with the Conversation of Men. But again, 
 as a Dolphin is so very great a Lover of Men ; so he is a 
 mortal Enemy to the Crocodile. He goes out of the Sea, 
 and dares to venture into the River Nile, where the Crocodile 
 domineers, and attacks the monstrous Animal that is de-
 
 Friendship. 305 
 
 fended with Teeth, Claws, and Scales more impenetrable 
 than Iron ; when he himself is not very well framed for 
 biting neither, his Mouth inclining to his Breast : Yet, for 
 all that, he runs violently upon his Enemy, and coming near 
 him, diveth down on a sudden, gets under his Belly, and 
 setting up his Fins, pricks him in the soft Part of his Belly ; 
 which is the only Place he can be wounded in. 
 
 Joh. It is a wonderful Thing, that an Animal should 
 know his Enemy, tho' he never saw him before in his Life ; 
 and to know, both why he should be attack'd, and where he 
 can be hurt, and how to defend himself, when a Man has not 
 that Faculty ; who would not have Sense enough to be 
 afraid of a Basilisk, unless he were warned before-Hand, and 
 taught by having received Harm. 
 
 Eph. A Horse, you know, is a Creature devoted to the 
 Service of Man ; and there is a capital Enmity between him 
 and a Bear, that is an Enemy to Man : He knows his Ene- 
 my, tho' he has never seen him before, and presently pre- 
 pares himself to engage him. 
 
 Joh. What Arms does he fight with ? 
 
 Eph. Rather with Art than Strength : He leaps over the 
 Enemy, and strikes his hind Legs on his Head. The Bear, 
 on the other Hand, claws at the soft Part of the Horse's 
 Belly. The Poison of an Asp is incurable to a Man ; and 
 the Ichneumon makes War with the Asp, and is likewise a 
 mortal Enemy to the Crocodile. An Elephant is also very 
 well affected toward Mankind ; for they very kindly shew 
 the Way to a Traveller that has happened to lose it ; and 
 they know and love their Teacher. There are likewise Ex- 
 amples of an extraordinary Love toward Mankind : For, 
 one of them fell in Love with an Aigyptian Maid that sold 
 Gajjands that was beloved of A ristophanes the Grammarian ; 
 and another lov'd Menander a Youth of Syracuse so affec- 
 tionately, that he would not eat his Victuals when he was 
 out of his Sight. But not to mention any more of this Na- 
 ture, tho' there is Abundance related : When King Bocchus 
 had a Mind to exercise his Cruelty toward 30 Persons, he 
 
 VOL. II. U
 
 306 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 determined to expose them, bound to Stakes, to so many 
 Elephants ; but they that were sent out among the Ele- 
 phants, to provoke them, could never bring them to be Exe- 
 cutioners of the King's Cruelty. There is likewise a very 
 destructive Antipathy between this Creature, so friendly to 
 'Mankind, and the Indian Dragons, which are reported to be 
 the largest that are ; so that they oftentimes both perish in 
 the Engagement. There is the like Disagreement between 
 the Eagle and the lesser Dragon, altho' it is harmless towards 
 Men ; as it has been reported to have borne amorous Affec- 
 tions towards certain Maidens. There is likewise a deadly 
 Enmity between the Eagle and the Cymindis, or Night- 
 Hawk. And also an Elephant hates a Mouse, a troublesome 
 Creature to Mankind, and won't touch a Bit of Provender 
 that it sees a Mouse in ; nor is there any manifest Cause 
 why it hates him so : It is with good Reason it hates the 
 Horse-Leech ; because if it happens to sup it up in its Drink, 
 it torments him miserably. There is scarce any Animal that 
 is more friendly to Man than a Dog is, nor a greater Enemy 
 to him than a Wolf, so that a Man loses his Speech if he 
 sees him ; and between these two there is the utmost Dis- 
 cord ; as a Wolf is the most bitter Enemy to Sheep, which 
 have their Dependance merely upon the Providence of Man- 
 kind, whose Care it is to defend this harmless Creature made 
 for the Nourishment of Man. They are all in Arms against 
 the Wolf, as against the common Enemy of Mankind, 
 especially the whole Army of Dogs ; so that it is grown into 
 a Proverb, F II give you no more Quarter than a Dog does to a 
 Wolf. The Sea-Hare is an incurable Poison to Mankind, 
 if any Body taste it unawares ; again, on the other Hand, 
 the Touch of a Man is Death to that Hare. A Panther is 
 a very fierce Beast towards a Man ; and yet is so afraid of a 
 Hyaena, that it does not dare to engage him ; and herice 
 they say, that if any Body carry a Piece of a Hyaena Skin 
 about him, a Panther won't set upon him, there is such a 
 Sagacity in their natural Sense : and they add also, that if 
 you hang their two Skins one over against the other, the
 
 Friendship. 307 
 
 Panther Hair will fall off. A Spider is an Animal that is 
 one of a Man's own Family, but is very destructive to a Ser- 
 pent ; so that if he happen to see a Serpent sunning himself 
 under a Tree, it will spin down and fix his Sting so sharply 
 in his Forehead, that the Serpent will roll himself up, and 
 die at last. I have heard it told by those that have seen it, 
 that there is the like Enmity between a Toad and a Spider ; 
 but that the Toad cures himself, when he is wounded, by 
 biting of a Plantane Leaf. I'll tell you an English Story : 
 I suppose you know 'tis the Custom there to strew the Floor 
 with green Rushes ; a certain Monk had carried some 
 Bundles of these Rushes into his Chamber, to strew them 
 at his Leisure ; and happening to take a Nap after Dinner, 
 a great Toad creeps out and gets upon his Mouth while he 
 lay asleep, fixing his Feet, two upon his upper and two upon 
 his under Lip. To draw off the Toad was certain Death ; 
 to let him be there was worse than Death itself. Some per- 
 suaded that the Monk should be carried and laid upon his 
 Back in the Window where a great Spider had his Web. It 
 was done : The Spider presently seeing her Enemy, spins 
 down, darts her Sting into the Toad, and runs up again to 
 her Web ; the Toad swelled, but was not gotten off. The 
 Spider spins down a second Time, and gives him another 
 Wound ; it swells more, but still is alive : The Spider repeats 
 it a third Time ; then the Toad takes off his Feet and drops 
 off dead. This Piece of Service the Spider did her Land- 
 lord. 
 
 Joh. You tell me a wonderful strange Story. 
 
 Eph. I'll tell you now not what I have heard, but what I 
 have seen with my own Eyes. An Ape has an unmeasure- 
 able Aversion to a Tortoise ; a certain Person gave me a 
 Specimen of this when I was at Rome: He set a Tortoise 
 upon the Head of his Servant, and put his Hat upon it, and 
 then brought him to the Monkey ; the Ape presently, with 
 much Alacrity, leaps upon the Lad's Shoulders to catch Lice 
 in his Head, and taking off his Hat spies the Tortoise. It 
 was amazing to see with what Horror he leap'd away, how
 
 308 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 frighted he was, and with what Fearfulness he look'd back 
 to see whether the Tortoise follow'd him or not There was 
 likewise another Specimen : The Tortoise was tied to the 
 Monkey's Chain, that he could not avoid seeing him. It is 
 incredible how much he was tormented ; he was almost 
 dead with Fear : sometimes turning his Back, he would en- 
 deavour to beat off the Tortoise with his hinder Feet ; at 
 last, he piss'd and shit towards him all that was in his Belly, 
 and with the Fright fell into such a Fever, that we were 
 forced to let him loose, and put him into a Bath made of 
 Wine and Water. 
 
 Joh. There was no Reason that the Monkey should be 
 afraid of the Tortoise. 
 
 Eph. There may, perhaps, be something natural in it, that 
 we are not acquainted with. Why a Linnet should hate an 
 Ass, is easily accounted for ; because he rubs himself against 
 the Thorns, and eats off the Flowers of the Hedge where 
 she makes her Nest ; and she is so affrighted at the Sight 
 of an Ass, that if she hear him bray, tho' it be a great Way 
 off, she throws down her Eggs, and her young ones fall out 
 of the Nest for Fear. But however, she does not suffer him 
 to pass unrevenged. 
 
 Joh. How can a Linnet do any Hurt to an Ass ? 
 
 Eph. She pecks his sore Back, that is gall'd with Blows 
 and Burdens, and the soft Part of his Nose. We may also 
 guess at the Cause, why there is a mutual Grudge between 
 the Fox and the Kite, because the ravenous Fowl is always 
 laying Wait to catch the Foxes Whelps ; and very likely, on 
 the other Hand, that the Fox does the same by her young 
 ones ; which is the Cause of the Dissension between the Rat 
 and the Heron. And the same Reason may be given for 
 the Enmity between the little Bird call'd a Merlin and the 
 Fox ; the Merlin breaks the Crows Eggs ; the Foxes per- 
 secute them, and they the Foxes, pecking their Whelps, 
 which the Crows seeing, join their Assistance, as against a 
 common Enemy. But I can't find out any Reason, why the 
 Swan and the Eagle, the Raven and the Green-Bird, the
 
 Friendship. 309 
 
 Rook and the Owl, the Eagle and the Wren, should hate 
 one another ; unless it be that the latter hates the Eagle 
 because he is called the King of Birds. Why should an 
 Owl be an Enemy to small Birds, a Weesel to a Crow, a 
 Turtle-Dove to a Candle-Fly, the Ichneumon (Indian Rats) 
 Wasps to the Spiders call'd Phalangiae, Ducks to Sea-Gulls, 
 the Harpe to the Buzzard-Hawk, the Wolf to the Lion ? 
 And besides, why should Rats have an Aversion to a Tree 
 where Ants are ? Why is there so irreconcileable an Enmity 
 between a Beetle and an Eagle ? For the Fable was framed 
 from the Nature of that Animal. Hence it is, that near to 
 Olyntkus, in a certain Place, Beetles will not live if they are 
 brought into it. And then again, between Creatures that 
 live in the Water ; what Reason is there why the Mullet 
 and the Pike mutually hate one another, as the Conger and 
 Lamprey, that gnaw one another's Tails ? The Lobster has 
 such an Hatred to the Polypus, that if it chance to see it 
 near him, he dies with Fear. On the contrary, a certain 
 hidden Affection of Good-Will has united other Creatures, 
 as Peacocks and Doves, Turtles and Parrots, Black-birds 
 and Thrushes, Crows and Herns, who mutually assist one 
 another against the Fox ; the Harpe and Kite against the 
 Triorcke, which is a Kind of Hawk, and a common Enemy 
 to 'em. The Musculus, a little Fish swimming before the 
 Whale, is a Guide to him ; nor does it appear why he is 
 thus serviceable to him. For, that the Crocodile opens his 
 Jaws for the little Wren, is not to be attributed to Friend- 
 ship, when either Creature is led by its own Advantage. 
 The Crocodile loves to have his Teeth cleansed, and there- 
 fore embraces the Pleasure of having them pick'd ; and the 
 Wren seeks her Food, feeding upon the Fragments of Fish 
 that stick in the other's Teeth : And for the same Reason, 
 a Crow rides upon a Sow's Back. There is such a stub- 
 born Enmity between the Anthus and ^Egythus, that it is 
 affirmed their Blood will not mingle one with the other ; 
 just as it is related of other Birds, that their Feathers will 
 consume away if they be mingled with those of the Eagle.
 
 3 1 o Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 A Hawk is a deadly Enemy to the Dove Kind, but the little 
 Bird the Kestrel defends them ; for a Hawk is wonderfully 
 afraid either to see or hear that Bird. Nor are the Pigeons ig- 
 norant of this ; wheresoever the Kestrel has her Nest, they'll 
 never leave that Place, relying upon their Defenders. Who 
 can give a Reason why a Kestrel should be so friendly to 
 Pigeons, or why a Hawk should be so afraid of a Kestrel ? 
 And as a very little Animal is sometimes a Safeguard to a 
 great Beast ; so on the contrary, a very little one is often a 
 Destruction to a great one. There is a little Fish in the 
 form of a Scorpion, and of the Size of the Fish Quaquiner ; 
 he sometimes sticks his Sting into the Fin of Tunnies, that 
 often are bigger than a Dolphin, and puts them to that 
 Torture, that they sometimes leap into Ships ; and the same 
 he does to the Mullet. What should be the Reason that a 
 Lion, that is terrible to all Animals, should be struck with 
 Fear at hearing a Cock crow ? 
 
 Joh. That I may not be altogether Shot-free in this En- 
 tertainment, I'll tell you what I saw with my own Eyes, in 
 the House of that famous Englishman Sir Thomas More : 
 He kept in his House a large Monkey, who, that he might 
 the sooner get well of a Wound he had received, was suffer'd 
 to go loose. At the End of the Garden there were Rabbets 
 kept in Hutches, and a Weesel used to watch them very 
 narrowly. The Monkey sitting aloof off, quietly, as tho' 
 unconcern'd, observ'd all his Motions, till he saw the Rab- 
 bets were in no Danger from him. But perceiving the Wee- 
 sel had loosened a Board in the back Part of the Hutch, 
 and that now they were in Danger to be attack'd in the 
 Rear, and so be made a Prey to their Enemy, the Ape runs, 
 jumps up on the Plank, and put it into its former Place, 
 with as much Dexterity as any Man could have done. From 
 whence 'tis plain, that Apes are great Lovers of this Ani- 
 mal. So the Coneys, not knowing their own Danger, that 
 used to kiss their Enemy through the Grate, were preserved 
 by the Monkey. 
 
 L Apes are mightily delighted with all young Whelps,
 
 Friendship. 3 1 1 
 
 and love to hug them, and carry them about in their Arms. 
 But that good-natur'd Monkey did really deserve to be made 
 Amends for his Kindness. 
 
 Joh. And he was too. 
 
 Eph. How? 
 
 Joh. He found there a Piece of Bread that had, I suppose, 
 been thrown there by the Children, which he took up and 
 eat. 
 
 Eph. But it seems most admirable to me, that this Kind of 
 Sympathy and Antipathy, as the Greeks call a natural Af- 
 fection of Friendship and Enmity, should be found even in 
 Things that have neither Life nor Sense. I omit to mention 
 the Ash-Tree, the very Shadow of which a Serpent can't 
 endure ; so that how far soever it spreads, if you make a 
 Circle of Fire of the same Bigness, the Serpent will sooner 
 go into the Fire than into the Shadow of the Tree. For 
 there are Examples innumerable of this Kind. Moths in- 
 cluded in Parchment, are transformed into Butterflies, by 
 some secret Workmanship of Nature, tho' they seem as if 
 they were dead, and stir not if you touch them, unless a 
 Spider creep near them ; then only they appear to be alive : 
 They can't feel the Touch of a Man's Finger ; but they feel 
 the Feet of a very small Animal crawling. 
 
 Joh. An Insect, before it is alive, can be sensible of his 
 capital Enemy. That which is related concerning Persons 
 murdered is very like this ; to whom if other Persons ap- 
 proach, there is no Alteration ; but if he that killed them 
 comes nigh, presently Blood flows fresh out of the Wound ; 
 and, they say, that by this Token the Author of a Murder 
 has been often discovered. 
 
 Eph. What you have heard, as to that Matter, is no Fic- 
 tion. But, not to mention Democritical Stories, do we not 
 find by Experience, that there is a mighty Disagreement 
 between an Oak and an Olive-Tree, that they will both die 
 if they be planted into the Ground of each other ? And 
 that an Oak is so opposite to a Walnut-Tree, that it will 
 die tho' it be set at a good Distance from it ; and indeed a
 
 3 1 2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Walnut-Tree is hurtful to most Sorts of Plants and Trees. 
 Again, tho' a Vine will twine its Sprigs round all other 
 Things else, yet it shuns a Colewort ; and, as tho' it were 
 sensible of it, turns itself another Way, as if some Person 
 gave the Vine Notice that his Enemy was near at Hand. 
 The Juice of Coleworts is a Thing contrary to Wine, and 
 they are used to be eaten against Drunkenness : But the 
 Colewort has its Enemy too ; for, if it be set near the Herb 
 called Sow-Bread, or wild Marjoram, it will wither presently. 
 There is the like" Disposition between Hemlock and Wine ; 
 as Hemlock is Poison to a Man, so is Wine to Hemlock. 
 What secret Commerce is there between the Lily and the 
 Garlick, that growing near to one another, they seem, as it 
 were, mutually to congratulate one another ? The Garlick 
 is the stronger, but the Lily-Flower smells the sweeter. 
 Why should I speak of the Marriage of Trees one with 
 another ? the Females being barren unless the Male grows 
 near them. Oil will only mix with Chalk ; and both of 
 them have an Antipathy to Water. Pitch attracts Oil, tho' 
 they are both fat Things. All Things but Gold swim in 
 Quicksilver, and that only draws it to itself and embraces it. 
 What Sense of Nature is that which seems to be in a Dia- 
 mond, that will resist every Thing that is hard, but grow 
 soft in a Goat's Blood ? Nay, you may see an Antipathy 
 even in Poisons themselves. A Scorpion, if it chance to 
 creep thro' Henbane, grows pale and benumbed. And the 
 Herb Cerastis is so noxious to a Scorpion, that he that 
 handles the Seed of it, may take a Scorpion into his Hand. 
 There are Abundance of Things of this Kind, but the Con- 
 sideration of them more properly belongs to Physicians. 
 What a mighty Power of either Sympathy or Antipathy is 
 there between the Steel and the Loadstone, that a Matter 
 heavy by Nature should run to, and cleave to a Stone, as 
 tho' it kissed it ; and without touching it, should fly back- 
 ward ? And as to Water, which readily mingles with all 
 Things, but most of all with itself; yet there are some 
 Waters which, as tho' they hated one another, will not mix ;
 
 Friendship. 3 1 3 
 
 as for instance, the River flowing into the Lake Fucinus, runs 
 over it ; as Addua does to Larius, as Ticinus to Verbanus, 
 Mincins to Benacus, Ollius to Sevinus, Rhodanus to Lemanus : 
 some of which for many Miles only carry their hospitable 
 Streams thro' 'em, and go out just as much and no more 
 than they came in. The River Tygris flows into the Lake 
 Arethnsa, and is carried thro' it like a Passenger, that neither 
 the Colour, the Fish, nor the Nature of the Water inter- 
 mixes one with the other. And besides, whereas other 
 Rivers generally seem at it were in Haste to flow into the 
 Sea ; yet some Rivers, as tho' they had an Aversion to it 
 before they come at it, hide themselves in the Earth. There 
 is something of a like Nature to be observed concerning the 
 Winds ; the South Wind is pestilential to Mankind ; the 
 North Wind, on the contrary, healthful ; one collects the 
 Clouds, the other scatters them. And if we may believe 
 Astrologers, there is a certain Sympathy and Antipathy in 
 the very Stars themselves, some are friendly to Mankind, 
 and others hurtful ; and some are helpful to a Man against 
 the Influences of the noxious ones : So that there is nothing 
 in Nature, but by these Sympathies and Antipathies, brings 
 a Man Injuries and Remedies. 
 
 Joh. And perhaps you may find something above the Skies 
 too ; for if we believe the Magi, there are two Genius's, a 
 good and a bad, that attend every Man. 
 
 Eph. I think it's very well, and enough for us that we are 
 got so far as Heaven, without passing over the Limits of it. 
 But let us return to Oxen and Horses. 
 
 Joh. In Truth you make a very fine Transition. 
 
 Eph. It is the more admirable to us, that in the same 
 Species of Animals we find manifest Footsteps of Sympathy 
 and Antipathy, no Cause of it appearing : For so your 
 Horse-Coursers and Herdsmen endeavour to persuade us, 
 that in the same Pastures, and the same Stable, one Horse 
 shall desire to have one Horse nigh him, and won't endure 
 another. Indeed, I am of Opinion, that there is the like 
 Affection in all Kind of living Creatures, besides the Favour
 
 3 1 4 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 of Sex ; but is in no Kind so evident, as it is in Man. For 
 what Catullus expresses of his Volusius, concerning his Af- 
 fection of Mind, is manifest in a great many others : 
 
 / love thee not, Volusius ; and if thou askest why 1 
 I love thee not, Volusius, is all 1 can reply. 
 
 But in adult Persons, a Person may conjecture another 
 Cause : In Children that are only led by the Sense of Na- 
 ture, what can it be that makes a Child love one so dearly, 
 and have such an Aversion to another ? I myself, when I 
 was a Boy not eight Years of Age, happen'd to fall into the 
 Acquaintance of one of my own Age, or perhaps a Year 
 older, of so vain a Humour, that upon every Occasion he 
 would invent, without study, most monstrous Lyes. If he 
 met a Woman, he would say to me, Do you see that Woman ? 
 I answered Yes, I see Iter. Why, says he, / have lain with 
 Jier ten Times. If we went over a narrow Bridge, nigh a Mill, 
 when he perceiv'd me shock'd at the Sight of the Water 
 looking black by Reason of the Depth, he'd say, I fell into 
 this Place once, what say you to that ? A nd there I found the 
 dead Body of a Man, with a Purse tied about him, and three 
 Rings in it. And thus he would do continually. And tho' 
 it is common for others to be delighted with such Romances 
 as these, I abhor'd him more than a Viper, and knew no 
 Reason for it, but only a certain hidden Instinct in Nature. 
 Nor was this only temporary ; but to this very Day I so 
 naturally hate those vain lying Persons, that at the very 
 Sight of them I perceive my whole Constitution to be 
 shock'd. Homer takes Notice of something of the like 
 Nature in Achilles, when he says he hated Lies as much as 
 the Gates of Hell. But tho' I was born with this natural 
 Disposition ; yet, contrary to it, I seem to have been born to 
 have to do with Liars and Impostors thro' the whole Course 
 of my Life. 
 
 Joli. But I don't take in what this tends to. 
 
 Eph. I'll tell you in a few Words : There are some that 
 fetch their Felicity from Magical Arts, others from the Stars ; 
 I think there is no surer Way of coming at it, than if every
 
 Friendship. 3 1 5 
 
 one would abstain from that Sort of Life that he has a 
 natural Aversion to, and betake himself to that he has a 
 natural Inclination to, always excluding those Things that 
 are dishonest ; and that he would withdraw himself from 
 the Conversation of those, whose Disposition he perceives 
 does not agree with his own ; and join himself with such as 
 he finds he has a natural Propensity to. 
 
 Jok. If that were done, there would be Friendship between 
 some few. 
 
 Eph. Christian Charity extends itself to all ; but Famili- 
 arity is to be contracted with but few : And he that does 
 no hurt to any Body, tho' he be bad, and would rejoice if 
 he would grow better, in my Opinion, loves all as becomes 
 a Christian to do.
 
 PROBLEM A. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 Problema treats of what is heavy and light. That the 
 Earth is the Center of heavy Bodies. What Earth 
 is heaviest, and what is lightest. Why Lead is Jtea- 
 vier titan a Stone ; Go.ld heavier than Lead. No- 
 thing is more liquid than Honey and Oil. A lean 
 Man is heavier than a fat one ; a Man thafs fast- 
 ing, than one that has eat his Dinner : But Sin is 
 the heaviest Thing of all. 
 
 CURIO and ALP HI US. 
 
 C*U. I should be glad to learn something of you who are 
 well skill'd in many Things, if it would not be trouble- 
 some to you to inform me. 
 
 A I. Well, Curio, go on then, propose what Questions you 
 have a Mind to, and be in Fact what you are in Name. 
 
 Cu. I shan't take it amiss to be call'd Curio, so you don't 
 put that Monosyllable sus [a Sow] to it, that is hateful both 
 to Venus and Minerva, and makes it Curiosus. 
 
 Al. Speak out then. 
 
 Cu. I have a mighty Mind to know what we call Heavy 
 and Light. 
 
 Al. I may as well ask you what Hot and Cold is too : 
 you should rather put that Question to a Porter than to 
 me ; or rather to an Ass, who will tell you when the Burden 
 is heavy by hanging his Ears. 
 
 Cu. I expect a Solution, not such a one as an Ass can 
 give, but such as becomes a Philosopher, an Afyhiiis him- 
 self.
 
 Problema. 3 r 7 
 
 Al. Heavy is that which naturally tends downwards, and 
 Light that which mounts upwards. 
 
 Cu. How comes it about then that the A ntipodes who are 
 under us, don't fall into the Sky that is under them ? 
 
 Al. They may as well wonder why you don't fall into the 
 Heaven that is not under you but over you ; for the Heaven 
 is above all that are comprehended within it : nor are the 
 Antipodes under you any more than you above them. Nay, 
 you might rather wonder why the Rocks, that the Earth of 
 the Antipodes sustains, don't break and fall into Heaven. 
 
 Cu. What then is the natural Center of heavy Bodies ? 
 and on the other Hand, of light Bodies ? 
 
 Al. All heavy Things are by a natural Motion carried 
 towards the Earth, and light Things towards Heaven : I do 
 not speak of a violent or animal Motion. 
 
 Cu. Why, is there then a Motion that is called an animal 
 one ? 
 
 Al. Yes, there is. 
 
 Cu. What is it ? 
 
 Al. It is that which is carried according to the four Situa- 
 tions of the Body, forward, backward, to the right and left, 
 and in a Circle ; and in the Beginning and End is swifter, 
 and slowest in the Middle; for in the Beginning, Vigor adds 
 Alacrity, and near the End the Hope of coming to what the 
 Animal aims at. 
 
 Cu. I can't tell how it is with other Animals ; but I have 
 got a Maid-Servant who is weary before she begins, and tired 
 before she ends. But return to what you begun. 
 
 Al. I say, heavy Things are carried downward by a natu- 
 ral Motion ; and by how much the heavier ahy Thing is, by 
 so much a swifter Motion it is carried towards the Earth ; 
 and by how much the lighter it is, by so much the swifter 
 Motion it is carried toward Heaven. It is quite otherwise 
 in a violent Motion, which being swift at first, grows slower 
 by Degrees ; and contrary in a natural Motion ; as an Arrow 
 shot into the Air, and a Stone falling from on high. 
 
 Cu. I used to think that Men ran about upon the Globe of
 
 3 1 8 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 the Earth, like little Ants on a great Ball ; they stick upon 
 it everywhere, and none fall off. 
 
 A I. That is to be attributed to the Ruggedness of the 
 Globe, and a certain Roughness in the Feet of the Ants, 
 which, indeed, is common to all Insects in a Manner ; and 
 lastly, to the Lightness of their Bodies. If you don't believe 
 me, make a glass Globe very smooth and sleek ; you will 
 see that only those Ants don't fall that are at the upper 
 Part of it. 
 
 Cu. If any God should bore thro' the Center of the Earth, 
 quite down to the Antipodes, in a perpendicular Line, and 
 as Cosmographers use to represent the Situation of the 
 Globe of the Earth, and a Stone were let fall into it, whither 
 would it go ? 
 
 A I. To the Center of the Earth ; there all heavy Bodies 
 rest. 
 
 Cu. What if the Antipodes should let fall a Stone on their 
 Side? 
 
 A I. Then one Stone would meet the other about the 
 Center, and stop there. 
 
 Cu. But hark you, if what you said just now be true, that 
 a natural Motion by its Progress grew more and more 
 strong, if nothing hinder'd, a Stone or Lead cast into the 
 Hole, by Reason of the Vehemence of its Motion it would 
 pass beyond the Center ; and having got beyond the Center, 
 the Motion would grow more violent. 
 
 A I. Lead would never come to the Center unless it were 
 melted ; but a Stone, if it did pass the Center with so 
 violent a Motion, would go at first more heavily, and return 
 to the Center again, just as a Stone thrown up into the Air 
 returns again to the Earth. 
 
 Cu. But returning back again by its natural Motion, and 
 again recovering Force, it would go beyond the Center, and 
 so the Stone would never rest. 
 
 Al. It would lie still at last by running beyond, and then 
 running back again till it came to an Equilibrium. 
 
 Cu. But if there be no Vacuum in Nature, then that Hole 
 must be full of Air.
 
 Problema. 3 1 9 
 
 A I. Suppose it to be so. 
 
 Cu. Then a Body that is by Nature heavy will hang in 
 the Air. 
 
 Al. Why not ? As Steel does, being born up by the Load- 
 stone ; what Wonder is it, that one Stone hang in the very 
 middle of the Air, when the whole Earth, loaden with so 
 many Rocks, hangs after the same Manner ? 
 
 Cu. But where is the Center of the Earth ? 
 
 Al. Where is the Center of a Circle ? 
 
 Cu. That is a Point that is indivisible ; if the Center of 
 the Earth be so small, whosoever bores thro' the Center 
 takes it away, and then heavy Bodies have no where to 
 tend to. 
 
 A I. Now you talk idly enough. 
 
 Cu. Pray don't be angry ; what I say is for the Sake of 
 Information. If any one should bore thro' the Globe 
 of the Earth, and not thro' the Center itself ; as suppose 
 one hundred Furlongs aside of it, where would a Stone fall 
 then ? 
 
 Al. It would not pass strait thro' the Hole. It would 
 indeed go strait, but to the Center ; and so when it came to 
 the Middle, it would rest in the Earth on the left Hand, if 
 the Center were at the left Hand. 
 
 Cu. But what is it that makes a Body heavy or light ? 
 
 Al. That's a Question fit for God to answer, why he made 
 Fire the lightest of all Things, and Air next to that ; the 
 Earth the Heaviest, and Water next to that. 
 
 Cu. Why then do watry Clouds hang in a lofty Air ? 
 
 A I. Because by the Attraction of the Sun they conceive 
 a fiery Nature, as Smoke being forc'd by a violent Heat 
 out of green Wood. 
 
 Cu. Why then do they sometimes fall with such a Weight, 
 that they level Mountains into a Plain ? 
 
 Al. Concretion and Density add a Weight to them, and 
 they may be imagin'd so to be borne up by the Air under 
 them, as a thin Plate of Iron is borne up upon the Surface 
 of the Water.
 
 320 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Cu. Do you think then, that whatsoever has most of a 
 fiery Quality in it is lightest, and that which has most of an 
 earthy Quality heaviest ? 
 
 A I. You are right. 
 
 Cu. But Air is not all of a Lightness, nor Earth all of a 
 Heaviness ; and it is the same as to Water. 
 
 A I. Nor is that strange, since those Things you have 
 mentioned are not pure Elements, but tempered of various 
 Elements ; so that it is probable, that Earth is the lightest 
 that has the most Fire or Air mixt with it, and that Water 
 heaviest that has the most Earth which is heaviest mixt with 
 it, as, I think, Sea- Water is, and that whereof Salt is made : 
 And, in like Manner, that Air that is nearest to Water or 
 Earth is the heaviest, or, at least, it is certainly not so light 
 as that which is farther from the Earth. 
 
 Cu. Which has most of an earthy Quality in it, a Stone or 
 Lead ? 
 
 Al. A Stone. 
 
 Cu. And yet Lead is heavier than a Stone in Proportion. 
 
 Al. The Density is the Cause. That proceeds from its 
 Solidity : For, a Stone is more porous, and so contains 
 more Air in it than Lead does. Hence it is, that we see 
 some Sort of dry Earth, which if you cast into Water will 
 swim, and not sink : So we see whole Fields floating ; being 
 borne up by hollow Roots of Reeds and other marshy 
 Herbs, interwoven one with another. 
 
 Cu. Perhaps it is from this Cause that a Pumice-Stone is 
 so light. 
 
 Al. Because it is full of Pores, and very much burnt in 
 the Fire ; they are thrown out of burning Places. 
 
 Cu. Whence is it that Cork is so light ? 
 
 Al. That has been answer'd already ; the spungy Hollow- 
 ness of it is the Cause. 
 
 Cu. Which is heaviest, Lead or Gold ? 
 
 Al. Gold, in my Opinion. 
 
 Cu. But yet Gold seems to have more of a fiery Nature 
 than Lead.
 
 Problema. 321 
 
 A I. What, because, as Pindar says, it shines by Night 
 like Fire ? 
 
 Cu. Yes. 
 
 Al. But Gold has the greater Solidity. 
 
 Cu. How is that found ? 
 
 Al. Goldsmiths will tell you, that neither Silver, Lead, 
 nor Copper, nor any such Kind of Metal, can be hammer'd 
 out so thin as Gold can. And, for the same Reason, Philo- 
 sophers gather, that there is nothing more liquid than 
 Honey and Oil ; that if any one spread this, or daub any 
 Thing with it, it will spread the widest, and be longest in 
 drying, of any Thing. 
 
 Cu. But which is heaviest, Oil or Water ? 
 
 Al. If you speak of Linseed-Oil, I take Oil to be the 
 heaviest. 
 
 Cu. Why then does Oil swim upon Water ? 
 
 Al. The Lightness is not the Cause, but the fiery Nature 
 of Oil, and a peculiar Nature in all fat Things that is con- 
 trary to Water; as it is in the Herb that is call'd "AjBcnrTos. 
 
 Cu. Why then does not Iron swim when it is red hot ? 
 
 Al. Because the Heat is not a natural one ; and therefore 
 the sooner penetrates the Water, because the Intenseness of 
 the Heat dispels the resisting Water : So an Iron Wedge 
 sinks sooner to the Bottom than a thin Plate. 
 
 Cu. Which is the most unbearable, hot Iron or cold ? 
 
 Al. Hot. 
 
 Cu. Then it is heavier. 
 
 Al. It is, if it be better to carry burning Straw in your 
 Hand than a cold Flint 
 
 Cu. What is the Cause that one Wood is heavier or 
 lighter than another ? 
 
 Al. The Solidity or Hollowness. 
 
 Cu. But I knew one of the King of England'?, Household, 
 who, when we were at Table, shew'd us some Wood, which, 
 he said, was the Wood of an Aloes Tree, so solid, that it 
 seemed to be a Stone ; and so light, if you pois'd it in your 
 Hand, that it seem'd a Reed ; being put into Wine, (for he 
 
 VOL. II. x
 
 322 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 was of Opinion, that so it would expel Poison) it presently 
 sunk to the Bottom, as swiftly as Lead would. 
 
 Al. Neither Solidity nor Hollowness is always the Cause 
 but a peculiar occult Agreement between Things ; which is 
 the Cause that some Things embrace or shun other Things 
 of a cognate or different Quality ; as a Loadstone attracts 
 Steel, and a Vine avoids a Colewort ; and Flame will reach 
 toward NaphtJia, set in a lower Place, altho' it be at some 
 Distance ; and yet NaphtJia is naturally heavy, and Flame 
 light 
 
 Cu. All Sorts of Money swim in Quicksilver, and Gold 
 only sinks, and is inclosed in it ; yet Quicksilver is very 
 liquid. 
 
 Al. I can give no Solution to that, but a peculiar cognate 
 Quality ; and Quicksilver was made for the Refinement of 
 Gold. 
 
 Cu. Why does the River Arethusa run under the Sicaman 
 Sea, and not rather swim upon it ; when you say that Sea- 
 Water is heavier than River- Water ? 
 
 A I. A natural Disagreement is the Cause, but it is a 
 secret one. 
 
 Cu. Why do Swans swim, when Men going into the same 
 Water sink ? 
 
 Al. The Cause is not only the Hollowness and Lightness 
 of their Feathers, but also a Driness that the Water shuns : 
 And hence it comes to pass, that if you put Water or Wine 
 into a Cloth or Linnen that is very dry, it contracts itself 
 into a globular Form ; but put it into a wet one, it spreads 
 itself presently. And in like Manner, if you pour any liquid 
 Thing into a dry Cup, or whose Brims are greased with Fat, 
 and pour a little more than the Cup will hold, the Liquor 
 presently gathers itself into a Round before it will run over 
 the Brim. 
 
 Cu. Why can't Ships carry so much in Rivers as in the 
 Sea? 
 
 Al. Because River-Water is of a thinner Consistence ; 
 and for the same Reason Birds poise themselves with more 
 Ease in a thick Air, than in a thin one.
 
 Problema. 323 
 
 Of. Why does not the Fish call'd Flota sink ? 
 
 Al. Because its Skin being dried in the Sun, is made 
 lighter, and resists Moisture. 
 
 Cu. Why does Iron drawn out into a large Plate swim, 
 but being contracted in a narrow Compass sink ? 
 
 Al. It is Driness is the Cause in Part, and partly because 
 there gets in an Air between the Plate and the Water. 
 
 Cu. Which is the heaviest, Wine or Water ? 
 
 Al. I believe Wine won't give Place to Water. 
 
 Cu. How comes it about then, that they that buy Wine 
 of the Vintners sometimes find Water in the Bottom of the 
 Cask ? 
 
 Al. Because there is in Wine a certain fat Substance like 
 Oil, that resists the Water ; the Reason is plain, by how 
 much richer the Wine is, so much the more difficultly does it 
 mingle with Water ; and being set on Fire, it burns the 
 fiercer. 
 
 Cu. What is the Reason that no living Creature will sink 
 in the Lake Asphaltitis ? 
 
 Al. I can't give a Solution to all the Miracles in Nature; 
 Nature has some Arcatia, that she will have us admire but 
 not understand. 
 
 Cu. Why is a lean Man heavier than a fat Man, suppos- 
 ing them both of an equal Size ? 
 
 A I. Because Bones are more solid than Flesh, and there- 
 fore the more weighty. 
 
 Cu. Why is the same Man heavier when he is fasting, 
 than after he has eat his Dinner, and so added a Weight to 
 his Body. 
 
 Al. Because by Meat and Drink the Spirits are increased, 
 and they add a Lightness to the Body : And hence it is that 
 a merry Man is lighter than a sorrowful one, and a dead 
 Man heavier than a living one. 
 
 Cu. But how is it that the same Man can make himself 
 heavier or lighter when he pleases ? 
 
 Al. By holding in his Breath he makes himself lighter, 
 and by breathing it out, heavier : So a Bladder when blown,
 
 324 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 and close tied, swims ; but when it is burst, sinks. But 
 when will Curio have done asking Questions ? 
 
 Cu. I'll leave off if you will tell me but a few Things more ; 
 Is the Heaven heavy or light ? 
 
 A I. I can't tell whether it be light or no, but I'm sure it 
 can't be heavy, it being of the Nature of Fire. 
 
 Cu. What then does the old Proverb mean, What if the 
 Sky should fall 1 
 
 A I. Because the ignorant Antients, following Homer, be- 
 liev'd the Heaven to be made of Iron ; but Homer call'd it 
 Iron from the Similitude of Colour, not of Weight ; as we 
 call that Ashy that is of the Colour of Ashes. 
 
 Cu. Is there any Colour in the Sky ? 
 
 A I. There is not really any Colour in it ; but it appears 
 so to us, because of the Air and Water that is betwixt us 
 and it ; as the Sun sometimes appears to us to be red, some- 
 times yellow, sometimes white, when of itself it admits of no 
 such Mutations : In like Manner the Colours of the Rain- 
 bow are not in the Sky, but in the moist Air. 
 
 Cu. But to make an End ; you confess there is nothing 
 higher than the Heaven, which Way soever it covers the 
 Orb of the Earth. 
 
 A I. I do confess so. 
 
 Cu. And nothing deeper than the Center of the Earth. 
 
 A I. No. 
 
 Cu. Of all Things in the World, what is the heaviest? 
 
 Al. Gold, in my Opinion. 
 
 Cu. I differ very much from you in this Point. 
 
 A I. Why, do you know of any Thing that is heavier than 
 Gold ? 
 
 Cu. Yes, I do, and by many Degrees too, 
 
 Al. Then now do you take your Turn, and teach me; for 
 I profess I don't know any Thing that is. 
 
 Cu. Must not that needs be the heaviest Thing in the 
 World, that forc'd down the fiery Spirits from the very 
 Vortex of Heaven to the Bottom of Hell ? and that, you 
 know, is plac'd in the Center of the Earth.
 
 Problema. 325 
 
 Al. I confess it ; but what is that ? 
 
 Cu. Sin, which plunges the Souls of Men, that Virgil 
 calls Sparks of pure ./Ether, to the same Place. 
 
 Al. If you have a Mind to pass to that Sort of Philo- 
 sophy, I confess both Gold and Lead to be as light as 
 Feathers compared to it. 
 
 Cu. How then can they that are laden with this Sort of 
 Luggage mount up to Heaven ? 
 
 Al In Truth I can't tell. 
 
 Cu. They that prepare themselves for running or leaping, 
 do not only lay aside all heavy Things, but make themselves 
 light by holding in their Breath ; when as to the Race and 
 Leap that we take to Heaven, we don't endeavour to throw 
 aside that which is heavier than Stone or Lead. 
 
 Al. Ay, but we should do it if we had but one Grain of 
 sound Judgment.
 
 326 
 
 The EPICUREAN. 
 
 The ARGUMENT. 
 
 T/ie Epicurean, a divine Colloquy, reasons learnedly 
 and piously concerning the true Good, a pure Con- 
 science, temporary and eternal Life. That there is 
 Felicity where is true Pleasure, and the least Sor- 
 row. That Christians truly pious are true Epicu- 
 reans, in that they have a clear Conscience, and 
 Peace with God ; and that, altho they may be 
 thought by the World to mourn, yet they do really 
 live pleasantly. That the chief est Pleasures proceed 
 from the Mind. He that has God, what can he 
 desire more ? Concerning a Priest who entertain d 
 his Guests with imaginary Dainties. Lust, Whor- 
 ing, and Drunkenness have more Pain than Plea- 
 sure in them. Tantalus's foolish Desire. Sin is 
 the Tantalean Stone. Tlie great Mercy of God 
 towards repenting Sinners. 
 
 HEDONIUS and SPUD^EUS. 
 
 What is my Spud&us hunting after, he is so intent 
 upon his Book, muttering I know not what to himself? 
 Sp. Hedonius, I was indeed hunting, but that was all, for 
 I can catch nothing. 
 He. What Book is that in your Bosom ? 
 Sp. Tullfs Dialogues of the Ends of good Things. 
 He. But is it not better to enquire after the Beginning of 
 them, than the End ?
 
 The Epicurean. 327 
 
 Sp. Mark Tully calls a perfect Good the End of Good, 
 such as whosoever obtains can desire nothing more. 
 
 He. It is indeed a very eloquent and learned Piece ; but 
 have you done any Thing to the Purpose, as to the Attain- 
 ment of the Knowledge of the Truth ? 
 
 Sp. Indeed I seem to have gotten this Good by it, that I 
 am more in Uncertainty, as to the Ends of Good, than I was 
 before. 
 
 He. It is commonly the Case of Farmers to be at Uncer- 
 tainty, as to the Ends of Lands. 
 
 Sp. I admire very much that there is so great a Disagree- 
 ment in the Opinions of so many great Men, concerning so 
 great a Matter. 
 
 He. No Wonder at all, for Error is very fertile, but Truth 
 simple : and they being ignorant of the Head and Fountain 
 of the whole Affair, they all make absurd and doating 
 Guesses. But which Opinion do you think comes nearest 
 to the Truth ? 
 
 Sp. When I meet with M. Tully opposing them, I like 
 none of them. Again, when I find him defending them, I 
 have not a Word to say against it. But to me the Stoicks 
 seem to be the least out of the Way, and next to them the 
 Peripateticks. 
 
 He. I like no Sect so well as the Epicureans. 
 
 Sp. There is no Sect amongst them all that is so much 
 condemn'd by a universal Consent. 
 
 He. Let us set Prejudice aside, and let Epicurus be what 
 he will, let us consider the Thing in itself. He places the 
 Happiness of Man in Pleasure, and judges that Life to 
 be most blessed, that has most Pleasure, and least Pain. 
 
 Sp. He does so. 
 
 He. What can be more divine than this Sentence ? 
 
 Sp. Every Body cries out, this is the Saying of a Brute, 
 rather than of a Man. 
 
 He. I know they do ; but they are mistaken in the Names 
 of Things. If we will speak the Truth, none are greater 
 Epicureans than those Christians that live a pious Life.
 
 328 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. They come nearer to it than the Cynicks ; for they 
 make their Bodies lean with fasting, bewail their own Weak- 
 nesses ; either are poor, or else make themselves so by their 
 Liberality to the Poor ; are oppressed by the Powerful, and 
 derided by the Populace. And if Pleasure be that which 
 makes happy, I think this Kind of Life is as distant from 
 Pleasure, as can well be. 
 
 He. Will you admit of Plautus for an Author ? 
 
 Sp. Yes, if he says that which is right. 
 
 He. Then I'll present you with one Sentence of a naughty 
 Servant, that has more Wisdom in it, than all the Paradoxes 
 of the Stoicks. 
 
 Sp. Let me hear it. 
 
 He. Nihil est miserius quam animus sibi mali conscius : 
 Nothing can be more wretched than a guilty Conscience. 
 
 Sp. I approve the Saying ; but what do you infer from it ? 
 
 He. If nothing be more wretched than a guilty Conscience, 
 it follows of Consequence, that nothing is more happy than 
 a clear Conscience. 
 
 Sp. A very good Inference ; but in what Part of the 
 World will you find a Conscience that is clear from all that 
 is evil ? 
 
 He. I call that evil, that breaks the Friendship between 
 God and Man. 
 
 Sp. But I believe there are very few that are clear of 
 Evil of this Kind. 
 
 He. And I take those that are cleansed to be pure ; such 
 as by the Lather of Tears, and Soap of Repentance, and 
 Fire of Charity have washed away their Pollutions. The 
 Sins of such Persons are not only not hurtful to them, but 
 oftentimes turn to a greater Good. 
 
 Sp. I know what Soap and Suds is ; but I never heard 
 that Pollutions were purged away by Fire. 
 
 He. But if you go to the Refiner's Shop, you'll see Gold 
 purged by Fire ; and there is a certain Sort of Flax, which 
 being put into the Fire, is not burnt, but shines brighter, and 
 is as clear as Water ; and therefore is called living Flax.
 
 The Epicurean. 329 
 
 Sp. In Truth, thou bringest us a Paradox, that is more 
 paradoxical than all the Paradoxes of the Stoicks. Don't 
 they live a pleasant Life, of whom Christ has said, Blessed 
 are tJiey tJiat mourn ? 
 
 He. They seem to mourn to Men of the World, but in 
 Reality they live deliciously, and, as the old Saying is, being 
 anointed with Honey, live sweetly ; so that, compared to them, 
 Sardanapalns, Philoxenus, Apicius, or the most noted Vo- 
 luptuary, lived but a miserable Life. 
 
 Sp. What you say is new, but it is scarce credible. 
 
 He. Do but once make a Trial, and you'll say over and 
 over, that what I say is true. I don't question but I can 
 make you sensible that it is not incredible. 
 
 Sp. Go about it then. 
 
 He. I will, if you'll grant me something by Way of Pre- 
 liminary. 
 
 Sp. I will, if what you require be just. 
 
 He. If you grant 'em me, I'll return them with Interest. 
 I suppose you will allow that there is a Difference between 
 the Soul and Body ? 
 
 Sp. There is so, and as much as between Heaven and 
 Earth, immortal and mortal. 
 
 He. And again, that false Goods are not to be taken for 
 true Goods ? 
 
 Sp. No more than Shadows are to be taken for the Bodies 
 themselves, or the Delusions of Magicians, or the Fancies 
 of Dreams, are to be accounted for Truth. 
 
 He. So far you have answer'd me well ; I suppose you'll 
 likewise grant me this, that there can be no real Pleasure, 
 but in a sound Mind. 
 
 Sp. Why not ? a Person can't take Pleasure in the Sun, 
 if his Eyes are sore ; or relish Wine in a Fever. 
 
 He. Nor can I think Epicurus himself would embrace a 
 Pleasure that has more Pain in it, and of longer Continuance 
 than the Pleasure itself. 
 
 Sp. In my Opinion, neither he, nor any Body else that 
 has any Sense, would.
 
 33O Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 He. I'll presume you'll grant me this, that God himself 
 is the chiefest Good, than which nothing is more glorious, 
 more lovely, and more pleasant. 
 
 Sp. No Body would deny that, but one that is more 
 brutish than a Cyclops : But what then ? 
 
 He. Well then, now you have granted me, that no Body 
 lives more pleasantly than they that live piously ; and no 
 Body more miserably, and afflictedly, than they that live 
 wickedly. 
 
 Sp. Then I granted you more than I was aware of. 
 
 He. But as Plato says, that which has been fairly granted, 
 ought not to be deny'd. 
 
 Sp. Well, go on. 
 
 He. A little Puppy that is kept for Pleasure, is fed daintily, 
 lies softly, plays and wantons continually ; does not she 
 live pleasantly then ? 
 
 Sp. Yes. 
 
 He. Would you wish for such a Life then ? 
 
 Sp. No, by no Means, unless I should wish to be a Dog. 
 
 He. Then you confess that true Pleasures proceed from 
 the Mind, as from a Fountain. 
 
 Sp. It is plain they do. 
 
 He. So great is the Force of the Mind, that it often takes 
 away the Sense of outward Pain, and sometimes makes 
 what of itself is bitter, to be sweet. 
 
 Sp. We see that daily in those who are in Love, who take 
 a Pleasure in watching and waiting all a cold Winter's Night 
 at their Mistresses Door. 
 
 He. Well then, consider with yourself, if human Love 
 have such a Power, which Bulls and Dogs have as well as 
 we, how much more prevalent will that heavenly Love be, 
 that proceeds from the Spirit of Christ, the Power of which 
 is so great, that it can render Death amiable, than which 
 there is nothing in the World more terrible ? 
 
 Sp. I can't tell what others feel within themselves ; but I 
 think that they want a great many Pleasures that adhere to 
 true Piety.
 
 The Epicurean. 331 
 
 He. What Pleasures do they go without ? 
 
 Sp. They do not get Riches, attain Honours, junket, 
 dance, sing, perfume themselves, laugh and play. 
 
 He. You should not have mention'd Riches and Honours 
 in this Case ; for they don't make a Life pleasant, but rather 
 full of Cares and Anxiety. Let us consider the other Things 
 which are what they hunt after, that have a Desire to live a 
 pleasant Life. Do you not daily see Drunkards, Fools and 
 Madmen laughing and dancing ? 
 
 Sp. I do so. 
 
 He. Do you think that they live pleasantly ? 
 
 Sp. I would wish that Pleasure to those I hate. 
 
 He. Why so ? 
 
 Sp. Because their Mind is out of Order. 
 
 He. Then had you rather fast and study, than live after 
 that Manner ? 
 
 Sp. Nay, I had rather dig. 
 
 He. There is no Difference between a rich Man and a 
 drunken Man, saving that Sleep will cure a drunken Man, 
 but Doctors can't cure a covetous Man. A natural Fool 
 differs from a Brute only in the Form of his Body ; but they 
 are less miserable whom Nature has made Brutes, than they 
 that have made themselves so by their beastly Lusts. 
 
 Sp. I confess that. 
 
 He. Do you think that they are sober or in their right 
 Mind, who for the Sake of Delusions, and Shadows of 
 Pleasure, neglect the true Pleasures of the Mind, and bring 
 upon themselves real Torments ? 
 
 Sp. They do not seem to be so. 
 
 He. Such Persons are not drunk with Wine, but with 
 Love, with Anger, with Avarice, with Ambition, and other 
 filthy Lusts ; which is a Drunkenness more Dangerous than 
 to be drunk with Wine. Cyrus, in the Comedy, after he 
 had slept away his Debauch, spoke sober Things ; but a 
 Mind drunk with vicious Lust, how hardly does that come to 
 itself? How many Years does Love, Anger, Hatred, Lust, 
 Luxury and Ambition torment the Mind ? How many do
 
 33 2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 we see that never wake out of the Sleep of Drunkenness, 
 Ambition, Avarice, Lust, and Luxury, and repent of them, 
 even from their Youth to a decrepit old Age. 
 
 Sp. I know a great many such as those. 
 
 He. You have granted likewise, that Persons should not 
 take false Pleasures for true ones. 
 
 Sp. I have so, and I shall not eat my Words. 
 
 He. That is no true Pleasure that does not spring from 
 true Causes. 
 
 Sp. I own that. 
 
 He. Then they are no true Pleasures that Mankind gene- 
 rally pursue, right or wrong. 
 
 Sp. I don't think they are. 
 
 He. If they were true Pleasures, they would only happen 
 to good Men, and render them happy whose Share they fall 
 to. But as to Pleasure, can that be thought to be true that 
 proceeds not from true Good, but from the false Shadows 
 of Good ? 
 
 Sp. By no Means. 
 
 He. But Pleasure is that which makes us live sweetly. 
 
 Sp. It does so. 
 
 He. Well then, none lives truly pleasantly, but he that 
 lives piously, i. e. that enjoys true Good : It is only Piety 
 that gains the Favour of God, the Fountain of the chiefest 
 Good, that makes a Man happy. 
 
 Sp. I am almost convinced. 
 
 He. Now do but mind how vastly wide they are from 
 Pleasure, who, as is commonly accounted, follow nothing 
 but Pleasures. First of all, their Minds are polluted and 
 vitiated with the Leaven of Lusts, that if any Thing that is 
 pleasant happens, it presently grows bitter : for when a 
 Fountain's muddy, the Stream will not run clear. Again, 
 that Pleasure is no true Pleasure, that is received with a dis- 
 order'd Mind ; for there is nothing more pleasant to an 
 angry Man than Revenge : but that Pleasure is turn'd into 
 Pain, as soon as the Disease has forsaken the Mind. 
 
 Sp. I don't deny that.
 
 The Epicurean. 333 
 
 He. But lastly, these Pleasures proceed from false Goods ; 
 whence it follows, that they are but Cheats ; for what would 
 you say if you saw a Man under a Delusion by magical Arts, 
 to drink, dance, clap his Hands, when there was nothing 
 really there that he thought he saw ? 
 
 Sp. I should say he was both mad and miserable. 
 
 He. I was once present at such a Spectacle ; there was a 
 certain Priest skill'd in Magick. 
 
 Sp. He did not learn that from the holy Scriptures. 
 
 He. From the most unholy ones. Some Ladies of the 
 Court paid a Visit to this Priest, inviting themselves to dine 
 with him, and upbraiding him with Covetousness and Nig- 
 gardliness : At last he consented, and gave them an Invita- 
 tion. They came without a Breakfast, that they might eat 
 the heartier Dinner : The Table seem'd to be plentifully 
 furnished, and no Dainties wanting ; and they fed heartily, 
 and returning their Host Thanks for his Entertainment, 
 went Home. But immediately they perceiv'd themselves 
 very hungry, and admir'd that they should be so, when they 
 had just come from eating so plentifully. At Length the 
 Matter came out, and they were soundly laugh'd at. 
 
 Sp. And they deserv'd it too : they had better have staid 
 at Home and fed upon ordinary Fare, than have gone abroad 
 to be feasted with imaginary Dainties. 
 
 He. But in my Opinion, it is far more ridiculous for Men 
 in common to grasp at the mere empty Shadows of Good, 
 instead of the true and substantial Goods ; and to take a 
 Pleasure in those Deceits that do not only end in a Jest, but 
 in everlasting Sorrows. 
 
 Sp. The more I consider it, the more I am convinced I 
 have spoken to the Purpose. 
 
 He. Well, let it be allow'd for the Present, that Things 
 are call'd Pleasures that really are not so : But would you 
 call that Metheglin sweet, that has more Aloes than Honey 
 in it ? 
 
 Sp. No, I should not, if there were a third Part as much. 
 
 He. Or would you wish to have the Itch, that you might 
 have the Pleasure of scratching ?
 
 334 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. No, if I were in my Senses. 
 
 He. Well then, do but reckon with yourself how much 
 Bitterness is mix'd with those Pleasures falsely so call'd, 
 which a dishonest Love, an unlawful Lust, Gluttony and 
 Drunkenness produce. At the same Time I take no Notice 
 of the Torment of Conscience, Enmity with God himself, 
 and the Expectation of eternal Torment, which are the 
 chiefest Things of all : For pray do but consider, what is 
 there in these Pleasures, that does not bring with it a whole 
 Troop of external Evils ? 
 
 Sp. What are they ? 
 
 He. Not to mention Covetousness, Ambition, Wrath, 
 Pride, Envy, which of themselves are troublesome enough, 
 let us only compare those Things that are in a special Man- 
 ner accounted Pleasures. When hard Drinking throws a 
 Man into a Fever, the Head-ach, the Gripes, Dizziness, a 
 bad Name, Decay of Memory, Vomiting, Loss of Appetite, 
 and the Palsy ; would Epicurus himself think this was a 
 Pleasure worth seeking after ? 
 
 Sp. He would say it were to be shunn'd rather. 
 
 He. When young Men by Whoring, as it commonly falls 
 out, get the Pox, which by Way of Extenuation they call 
 the Common- Gar den Gout, by which they are so often 
 brought to Death's Door in their Life-Time, and carry about 
 a dead Carcase ; do they not epicurize gloriously ? 
 
 Sp. Yes, if coming often to the Powdering-Tub be doing 
 so. 
 
 He. But now suppose the Pain and Pleasure to be equal, 
 would you be willing to bear the Pain of the Tooth-ach, as 
 long as the Pleasure of Whoring or a drunken Bout lasted ? 
 
 Sp. In Truth I had rather go without both ; for to buy 
 Pleasure with Pain, is Penance without Gain. In this Case, 
 in my Opinion, an utter ava\r/r]cria t which Cicero calls an 
 Indolency, is much better. 
 
 He. But besides that, the Titillation of unlawful Pleasure, 
 as it is much less than the Pain it brings, so it is of shorter 
 Continuance : But when a Man has once got the Pox, he's
 
 The Epicurean. 335 
 
 plagued with it all his Life-Time, and forced to suffer a Sort 
 of Death a great many Times over before his Time comes 
 to die. 
 
 Sp. Epicurus himself would not own such Persons for his 
 Disciples. 
 
 He. Poverty is commonly the Attendant of Luxury, and 
 that is a miserable and heavy Burden to bear ; and a Palsy, 
 Weakness of the Nerves, sore Eyes, and the Pox, the Con- 
 sequents of immoderate Venery : and this is not all nei- 
 ther : Is it not a notable Way of Merchandizing, to purchase 
 a Pleasure, neither real, solid, nor of long Continuance, with 
 so many Evils, greater and longer-lasting ? 
 
 Sp. If there were nothing of Pain in the Matter, I should 
 think him a foolish Trader who should barter Jewels for Bits 
 of Glass. 
 
 He. And will you not say the same of them that lose the 
 real Enjoyments of the Mind, for the counterfeit Pleasures 
 of the Body ? 
 
 Sp. Indeed I think so. 
 
 He. But let us come closer to the Matter : Suppose that 
 neither a Fever nor Poverty should always accompany 
 Luxury ; nor a Pox nor Palsy, Whoring ; yet a guilty Con- 
 science, that you allow to be by far more wretched, is the 
 inseparable Companion of unlawful Pleasure. 
 
 Sp. Nay, sometimes it goes before it, and galls the Mind 
 in the very Fruition of it. But there are some, perhaps, 
 youll say, that have no Feeling in their Conscience. 
 
 He. Such are the more miserable ; for who would not 
 rather feel his Pain, than have his Body so stupify'd, as to 
 have no Sense of Feeling ? But as some Persons in their 
 Youth, by the Exorbitancy of their Lusts, are as it were 
 drunk, and habituated to them, and, like a Callous, grown 
 insensible of their Calamity ; yet when they come to old 
 Age, besides the innumerable Evils they have treasured up 
 in the Time of their past Life, Death, the inevitable Fate of 
 Mankind, stares 'em in the Face with a terrible Aspect; and 
 then the Conscience is so much the more tormenting, by how
 
 336 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 much the more stupify'd it has been all their Life before. 
 Then the Soul is awaken'd, whether it will or no ; old Age, 
 which of itself is a melancholy Thing, as being obnoxious to 
 many Incommodities of Nature ; how much more miserable 
 and wretched is it, if a guilty Conscience adds to its Infelicity? 
 Entertainments, Club-Feasts, Balls, Amours, Concerts of 
 Musick, and those Things that are delightful to them when 
 young, will be burdensome to them when old. Old Age 
 has nothing to support itself with, but the Remembrance 
 of a Life innocently pass'd, and the Hope of a better to 
 come : These are the two Crutches upon which old Age 
 is borne up ; therefore if you take these away, and in the 
 Stead of them put a double Burden upon their Shoulders, 
 the Remembrance of a Life ill spent, and Despair of Hap- 
 piness to come, pray what living Creature can be imagin'd 
 more afflicted and more miserable ? 
 
 Sp. Indeed I cannot see what, unless it be the old Age 
 of a Horse. 
 
 He. Then indeed is the Stable-Door shut when the Steed is 
 stolen ; and the old Saying is a true one, TJte End of Mirth 
 is Heaviness, and There is no Delight equal to a glad Heart. 
 And again, A merry Heart doth good like a Medicine, but a 
 broken Spirit drieth the Bones. And again, All the Days of 
 the Afflicted are Evil, i. e. afflicted and wretched. A con- 
 tented Mind is a continual Feast. 
 
 Sp. Then they act wisely that get Wealth betimes, and 
 provide a Viaticum for old Age against it comes. 
 
 He. The holy Scripture has not so low a Sense as to 
 measure Man's Happiness by outward Enjoyments : He is 
 poor indeed, that is divested of all Virtue, and owes both 
 Soul and Body to the Devil. 
 
 Sp. And he indeed is a very severe Creditor. 
 
 He. He is truly rich who has God for his Friend ; for 
 what should he fear that has such a Protector ? Should he 
 be afraid of Men ? The united Power of all the Men in the 
 World, is less to God, than that of a Gnat against an Indian 
 Elephant. Should he fear Death ? To godly Men that *is
 
 The Epicurean. 337 
 
 the Way to eternal Happiness. Should he fear Hell ? A 
 godly Man says with Confidence to God, Thd I walk in ttie 
 Region of the Shadow of Death, I w nil fear no Evil, for thou 
 art with me. Why should he be afraid of Devils, that car- 
 ries Him in his Breast at whom the Devils tremble ? The 
 Scripture, which cannot be contradicted, in many Places 
 says, That the Breast of a godly Man is the Temple wherein 
 God dwells. 
 
 Sp. Indeed I don't see how these Things can be refuted, 
 tho' they seem contrary to common Sense. 
 
 He. How so ? 
 
 Sp. For according to your Way of Reasoning, any Fran- 
 ciscan lives a Life more pleasant than he that abounds with 
 Honours, and in a Word, all Kinds of Delight. 
 
 He. Nay, you may add the Sceptre of a King, and the 
 Pope's triple Crown too, and of a three-fold Crown make a 
 hundred-fold one ; and except only a good Conscience, and 
 I'll be bold to say, that this bare-footed Franciscan girt 
 about with a Rope full of Knots, in a mean and ragged 
 Coat, worn to a Skeleton with Fasting, Watching, and La- 
 bours, and that is not worth a Penny in the World, if he has 
 but a good Conscience, lives more deliciously a thousand 
 Times than Sardanapalus himself. 
 
 Sp. What's the Reason then that we commonly see poor 
 Men look more melancholy than rich Men ? 
 
 He. Because a great many are doubly poor. Indeed 
 Diseases, Want, Watching, Labour, and Nakedness, do 
 weaken the Habit of the Body. But the Alacrity of the 
 Mind does not exert itself in these Cases alone, but also in 
 Death itself: For the Mind, altho' it is ty'd to a mortal 
 Body, yet it being of a more powerful Nature, does after a 
 Sort transform the Body into itself, especially if the Efficacy 
 of the Spirit be added to the Power of its Nature. Hence 
 it comes to pass that we frequently see Men that are truly 
 pious, die with greater Chearfulness than others live. 
 
 Sp. I have often admired at that myself. 
 
 He. It is not at all to be wonder'd at, that there should 
 
 VOL. II. Y
 
 338 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 be an invincible Joy, where God the Fountain of all Joy is. 
 What new Thing is it, that the Mind of a pious Man should 
 always be chearful in a mortal Body, when the same Man, 
 if he should be plunged down to the lowest Part of Hell, 
 would suffer nothing as to his Felicity ? Wheresoever is a 
 good Conscience, there is God ; wheresoever God is, there is 
 Paradise ; where Heaven is, there is Happiness ; where Hap- 
 piness is, there is true Joy and sincere Alacrity. 
 
 Sp. But for all that, they would live a more pleasant 
 Life, if they were freed from some Incommodities, and en- 
 joy'd some Pleasures which they either set light by, or can't 
 attain to. 
 
 He. What Incommodities are those you speak of? Do 
 you mean those Things that are Concomitants of Hu- 
 manity ; as Hunger, Thirst, Distempers, Weariness, old 
 Age, Death, Thunder, Earthquakes, Inundations, and Wars? 
 
 Sp. These among the rest. 
 
 He. But now we are talking of immortal ones. And yet 
 also, in these Calamities the Condition of the godly is much 
 more tolerable than that of those who hunt after bodily 
 Pleasures, right or wrong. 
 
 Sp. How so ? 
 
 He. Because their Minds are inur'd to Temperance and 
 Bearance, and therefore undergo those Things which are in- 
 evitable more moderately than other Persons. And lastly, 
 in that they understand that all those Things are sent by 
 God, either for the Purgation of their Faults, or the Exer- 
 cise of their Virtue : and therefore they take them not only 
 patiently, but also willingly, as obedient Children from the 
 Hand of a kind Father ; and are thankful either for his fa- 
 vourable Correction, or for the great Advantage got by them. 
 
 Sp. But there are a great many Persons who bring bodily 
 Afflictions upon themselves. 
 
 He. But more make Use of physical Medicines, either to 
 preserve the Health of the Body, or to recover it : but to 
 bring Troubles upon themselves, viz. Want, Sickness, Perse- 
 cution, or Reproach^ unless Christian Charity oblige to it, is
 
 The Epicurean. 339 
 
 not Piety, but Folly. But as often as they arc inflicted for 
 the Sake of Christ or Righteousness, who is he that dares 
 to call them miserable, when the Lord himself calls them 
 blessed, and bids them rejoice on Account of them ? 
 
 Sp. But for all that, they carry something of Torment in 
 them. 
 
 He. They do so, but 'tis such a one, that the Fear of 
 Hell on the one Side, and the Hope of Heaven on the other, 
 easily overcomes. But prithee tell me if you did firmly be- 
 lieve that you should never feel any Sickness or bodily Pain 
 all your Life long, if you would but once suffer your Skin 
 to be prick'd with a Pin, would you not willingly and gladly 
 suffer that little Pain ? 
 
 Sp. If I were but sure I should never feel the Tooth-ach 
 all my Life, I would suffer my Skin to be prick'd deeper, 
 and both my Ears to be bor'd thro' with an Awl. 
 
 He. But whatsoever Affliction happens in this Life, is 
 more light and short in Comparison to eternal Torments, 
 than the momentary Prick of a Needle to the Life of Man, 
 the longest that ever any Man liv'd ; for there is no Com- 
 parison between that which is finite, and that which is in- 
 finite. 
 
 Sp. You say very well. 
 
 He. Now suppose, if you could be persuaded that you 
 should live without Trouble all your Life long, if you did but 
 divide the Flame with your Hand (which Pythagoras forbad 
 to be done,) would you not readily do it ? 
 
 Sp. Yes, I would do it an hundred Times, if he that pro- 
 mis'd me would be as good as his Word. 
 
 He. God cannot be worse than his Word ; but that Sense 
 of the Flame is of longer Continuance, if compar'd to the 
 Life of Man, than all his Life is, compar'd to the Happiness 
 of Heaven, tho' the Life of that Man should be three Times 
 as long as that of Nestor. For that putting the Hand into 
 the Flame is some Part of the Life of Man, let it be never 
 so small a one ; but the whole Life of a Man is no Part of 
 Eternity.
 
 34-O Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. I have nothing to say against it. 
 
 He. Besides, they that hasten forwards with all their 
 Heart and a certain Hope, when the Way is so short ; do 
 you believe they are tormented with the Troubles of this 
 Life ? 
 
 Sp. I don't think they are, if they have a certain Belief 
 and firm Hope of attaining to it. 
 
 He. I come now to those Delights you took Notice of: 
 They abstain from Balls, Banquets and Plays ; they so de- 
 spise them, that they enjoy those that are much pleasanter. 
 They don't take less Pleasure, but they take it after another 
 Manner. The Eye has not seen, nor tJie Ear heard, nor has 
 it entered into the Heart of Man, to conceive what Comforts 
 God has prepard for those that love him. Blessed Paul was 
 acquainted with the Songs, Dances, Exultations, and Ban- 
 quets of pious Minds in this Life. 
 
 Sp. But there are some lawful Pleasures which they 
 abridge themselves of. 
 
 He. The immoderate Use of such Pleasures, as are in 
 themselves lawful, is unlawful ; if you except that, they who 
 seem to live this austere Life, exceed others in Enjoyment. 
 What can be a more noble Spectacle than the Contempla- 
 tion of this World ? Men that are in God's Favour, take far 
 more Pleasure in that Contemplation, than other Men ; for 
 while they, out of Curiosity, contemplate this wonderful 
 Fabrick, they are perplex'd in their Minds, because they 
 cannot attain to the Knowledge of the Causes of many 
 Things. And in some Cases, like Momus's, some murmur 
 against the Workman, often calling Nature, which is indeed 
 a Mother, a Step-Mother ; which Reflection, tho' in Word it 
 be levell'd against Nature, yet rebounds on him that is the 
 Author of Nature, if indeed there is any such Thing as Na- 
 ture. But a godly Man, with religious and pure Eyes, be- 
 holds the Works of God, his Father, with great Pleasure of 
 Mind, admiring every Thing, finding Fault with nothing ; 
 but giving Thanks for all Things, when he considers that all 
 these Things were made for Man : and so in every Thing
 
 The Epicurean. 341 
 
 adores the Omnipotence, Wisdom and Goodness of the 
 Creator, the Footsteps of which he perceives in the Things 
 created. Imagine for once that there were really such a 
 Palace as Apuleius feign'd for Psyche, or something more 
 magnificent and fine, if it can be : And suppose two Specta- 
 tors, one a Stranger, who only came to see it, the other a 
 Servant, or a Son of him that built it; which of them will take 
 the greatest Pleasure in the Sight ? the Stranger who has 
 nothing to do with the House, or the Son who beholds the 
 Genius, Wealth, and Magnificence of a dear Father, in that 
 Building, with great Pleasure, especially when he reflects, 
 that all this Fabrick was made for his own Sake ? 
 
 Sp, Your Question needs no Answer ; but the greatest 
 Part, that are not religious, know not that Heaven, and what 
 is contain'd therein, was made for the Sake of Man. 
 
 He. They all know it, but they do not all consider it ; and 
 if it does come into their Mind, yet he takes the most Plea- 
 sure that loves the Workman best, as he looks most chear- 
 fully upon Heaven, that breathes after eternal Life. 
 
 Sp. There seems to be a great Deal of Truth in what 
 you say. 
 
 He. Now as to Banquets, the Sweetness of them does not 
 consist so much in the having a dainty Palate, or in the Sea- 
 sonings of the Cook, as the good State of the Health of the 
 Body, and the Goodness of the Appetite. Therefore don't 
 think that any Lucullus sups more pleasantly upon his Part- 
 ridges, Pheasants, Turtle-Doves, Hares, Giltheads, Sturgeons, 
 or Lampreys, than a godly Man does upon brown Bread, a 
 Sallad, or Pulse, and Water, or Small-Beer, or a little Wine 
 mixed with a great Deal of Water, because he receives them 
 as sent from a kind Father. Prayer seasons them all, and 
 the preceding Thanksgiving sanctifies, and being accom- 
 panied with the reading of the Word of God, refreshes the 
 Mind more than Meat does the Body. And having re- 
 turn'd Thanks, at last he rises from the Table, not stuffed, 
 but recreated ; not loaded, but refreshed in Mind, as well as 
 Body. Do you think the Contriver of any of those vulgar 
 Delicacies can fare more deliciously ?
 
 34 2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Sp. But the highest Pleasure is in Venery, if we give 
 Credit to Aristotle. 
 
 He. Well, in this Particular too, the Advantage is on the 
 pious Man's Side, as well as in Feasting ; consider it thus. 
 By how much the more ardent his Love is toward his Wife, 
 by so much the more pleasurable are his conjugal Embraces. 
 And none love their Wives better, than those that love them 
 as Christ loved his Church ; for they that love them for the 
 Sake of Concupiscence, do not love them in Reality. But 
 besides, the seldomer is the Enjoyment, the pleasanter it 
 is : The profane Poet was not ignorant of this, who said, 
 Voluptates commendat rarior usus. Although, indeed, that 
 is the least Part of the Pleasure that consists in Coition, the 
 far greater Part of the Pleasure is in their cohabiting and 
 dieting together, which cannot be more pleasant between 
 any Persons, than between those who sincerely love one an- 
 other with a Christian Love. In other Persons commonly 
 Pleasure growing old, so does Love too ; but Christian Love 
 grows the more flourishing, by how much carnal Love de- 
 creases. Well, have I not convinced you yet, that no Body 
 lives more pleasantly than those that live piously ? 
 
 Sp. I wish you had so much convinced all Persons as 
 you have me. 
 
 He. Well then, if they are Epicureans that live pleasantly, 
 none are more truly Epicureans, than those that live holily 
 and religiously. And if we are taken with Names, no Body 
 more deserves the Name of an Epicurean, than that adorable 
 Prince of Christian Philosophers ; for eVi/cov/^09 in Greek 
 signifies as much as an Helper. Therefore when the Law of 
 Nature was almost erased by Vice ; and the Law of Moses 
 rather incited than cured Lusts, when the Tyrant Satan 
 ruled without Controul in the World, he alone afforded pre- 
 sent Help to perishing Mankind. So that they are mightily 
 mistaken that foolishly respresent Christ, as by Nature, to 
 be a rigid melancholick Person, and that he invited us to an 
 unpleasant Life ; when he alone show'd the Way to the 
 most comfortable Life in the World, and fullest of Pleasure, 
 and so vastly distant from that Tantalean Stone.
 
 The Epicurean. 343 
 
 Sp. What is the Meaning of that Riddle ? 
 
 He. You'll laugh at the Romance ; but this Jest will lead 
 us on to something serious. 
 
 Sp. Well then, I expect to hear a serious Jest. 
 
 He. Those who formerly made it their Business to wrap 
 up Precepts of Philosophy in the Folds of Fables, tell us, 
 that one Tantalus was once admitted to the Table of the 
 Deities, which they tell you is wonderfully stored with Deli- 
 cacies : When Jupiter was about to dismiss his Guests, he 
 thought it agreeable to his Generosity, to let none of them 
 go away without some Boon ; therefore he bid Tantalus ask 
 what he pleased, and it should be granted : And Tantalus 
 being so foolish as to measure Man's Happiness by the 
 Pleasures of Gluttony, wish'd that he might all his Life-Time 
 sit at a Table so plentifully furnished. Jupiter consented, 
 and granted him what he desir'd : Tantalus sits at a Table 
 furnished with all Sorts of Dainties ; Nectar is set before 
 him ; neither Roses nor Odours are wanting, such as may 
 delight the Noses of the Gods themselves ; Ganymede stands 
 by him to be his Cup-Bearer, or some Body like him : The 
 Muses stand about him singing sweetly ; Silenus dances be- 
 fore him with ridiculous Gestures ; and likewise there are 
 good Store of Jesters ; and in short, there is whatsoever may 
 delight the Senses of a Man : but in the Midst of all these he 
 sits melancholy, sighing and anxious, neither being moved 
 by their Merriment, nor touching the Provision before him. 
 
 Sp. What is the Reason of that ? 
 
 He. Because a great Stone hangs over his Head, as he 
 sits at Supper, ready to fall upon him every Moment. 
 
 Sp. I'd get away from such a Table. 
 
 He. But what he wished for is made necessary to him. 
 Nor is Jupiter so placable as our God is, who rescinds the 
 hurtful Wishes of Mortals, if they repent of them. But the 
 same Stone that hinders Tantalus from feeding, frightens 
 him from going away ; for he is afraid if he offer to stir lest 
 the Stone should fall upon him, and crush him to Pieces. 
 
 Sp. A ridiculous Story !
 
 344 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 He. But now hear what you won't laugh at : The common 
 People seek for a pleasant Life from external Things, when 
 nothing will produce that, but a good Conscience ; for a 
 heavier Stone hangs over the Heads of those that have a 
 guilty Conscience, than hangs over the Head of Tantalus 
 himself ; nay, it does not only hang over their Heads, but 
 vexes and presses their Minds ; nor is their Mind tormented 
 with a vain Fear, but expects every Hour, when they shall 
 be cast into Hell. Pray, what can there be so pleasant in 
 earthly Things, that can possibly chear a Mind that is prest 
 down with such a Stone ? 
 
 Sp. Nay, nothing in the World but Madness or Incre- 
 dulity. 
 
 He. If Youth did but consider this, who being bewitched 
 with Pleasures like the Cup of Circe, embrace sweetned 
 Poisons, instead of Things truly pleasant, how carefully 
 would they beware lest by Incogitancy they should do that 
 which would perplex their Mind all their Life-Time ? What 
 would they not do that they might provide this Viaticum 
 against old Age, which is drawing on ; a good Conscience, 
 and an untainted Reputation ? What can be more miser- 
 able than that old Age, which, when it looks back, sees with 
 great Horror what beautiful Things it has neglected, and 
 what foul Things it has embraced : And again, when it looks 
 forward, sees the last Day hanging over its Head, and im- 
 mediately upon this the Torments of Hell ? 
 
 Sp. I think they are the happiest Men, who have pre- 
 served the first Part of their Age undefiled, and improving 
 in the Study of Piety, have arrived to the Goal of old Age. 
 
 He. And the next Place is due to those who have early 
 repented of their Juvenile Follies. 
 
 Sp. But what Advice will you give to that wretched old 
 Man? 
 
 He. While there is Life there is Hope : I would bid him 
 fly to the Arms of Mercy. 
 
 Sp. But by how much the longer a Man has continued 
 in an evil Course of Life, by so much a greater Mass of In-
 
 The Epicurean. 345 
 
 iquities is heaped up, that exceeds even the Sands on the 
 Sea-Shore. 
 
 He. But then the Mercies of God exceed them ; tho' Man 
 cannot number the Sand, yet the Number of them is finite ; 
 but the Mercy of God knows neither Bound nor End. 
 
 Sp. But there is but little Time to one that is at the Point 
 of Death. 
 
 He. The less Time he has, the more Ardently he ought 
 to call upon God. That Time is long enough with God, 
 that can reach from Earth to Heaven ; and a short Prayer 
 can penetrate Heaven, if it be but sent with a strong Force 
 of Spirit. Maty Magdalen is recorded to have spent her 
 whole Life in Repentance ; but the Thief got a Grant of 
 Paradise from our Saviour, even at the Point of Death. If 
 he shall but cry with his whole Heart, My God have Mercy 
 on me, according to the Multitude of thy Mercies ; the Lord 
 will remove that Tantalean Stone, and make him hear that 
 Sound of Joy and Gladness ; the Bones broken by Contrition 
 shall rejoice for the Pardon of Sins.
 
 346 
 
 ERASMUS wrote this Colloquy when lie was a 
 very young Scholar at Daventer ; and being so 
 far inferior to the Performance of his riper Years, 
 fo would not permit it to be printed with the rest, nor 
 would he scarce own it to be his : But it shows the 
 Taste he had of the purer Latinity, inveighing satyr i- 
 cally against the barbarous Latin, that was in those 
 Days commonly allow d and approvd, particularly in 
 a great School, or College at Zwoll, a Town twelve 
 Miles from Daventer, where instead of pure Latin 
 AutJwrs, the Scholars were put to learn Books stuff 'd 
 with Inelegancies and Barbarisms. 
 
 The CO NFL ICT between THALIA 
 and BARBARISM. 
 
 THALIA and her Companions, CALLIOPE and 
 MELPOMENE; BARBARISM and her 
 Companions. 
 
 *pHA. O Good God ! what Sort of Monster is that which 
 I see rising out of the Ground yonder ? I beseech you 
 look upon it. 
 
 Cal. O admirable ! what a vast Body it has, the Top of 
 its Head reaches almost up to the Stars. In Truth, I can't 
 tell what it is. 
 
 Tfta. It's coming nearer to me. A new Sort of a Com- 
 position, do you see it ? It has a Face like a Virgin ; from 
 the Breast downwards it is like an Ass.
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism. 347 
 
 Cat. It is so, as I hope to be sav'd. But, Madam, do 
 you observe what monstrous Horns grow out of the Fore- 
 head of it ? 
 
 Tha. They are huge ones indeed. But do you take No- 
 tice what Ears there are by the Horns ? 
 
 Cat. I do mind them, they are like Asses Ears, and they 
 are whitish, and full of Motion ; and I perceive it approaches 
 nearer and nearer, but I can't tell what is in the Mind of it 
 to do. Alas ! I am in Pain, lest it has some Mischief in its 
 Head. 
 
 Tha. May God our Father prevent it. 
 
 MeL If my Memory don't fail me, I have some Knowledge 
 of this Monster. 
 
 Tha. Prithee tell us what it is. 
 
 Mel. There is no Danger in it. 
 
 Tha. But I am cruelly afraid it is an Enemy to us ; is it, 
 or not ? 
 
 MeL It is ; this is our only and most cruel Adversary. 
 
 Tha. God confound it. 
 
 Mel. It never ceases envying and assaulting us : They 
 say it has its Residence in the Western Climates, there it 
 brings all Things under its Yoke, is worshipp'd, lov'd and 
 honour'd. What Need is there of a great many Words ? In 
 short, it expects to be appeas'd with suppliant Presents like 
 a Goddess. 
 
 Tha. If I mistake not, I have heard so. But what's the 
 Name of the City where she reigns ? 
 
 Mel. Why, 'tis Zwoll, I think. 
 
 Tha. Very right, that's it. 
 
 Mel. Her Name is Barbarism. 
 
 Tha. It is she, in Truth, I know her very well ; but see, she 
 is coming hither a great Pace ; let us halt till she comes up. 
 
 Bar. Companions, is this Thalia herself that I see hard 
 by ? Why I thought she had been dead long enough ago : 
 It is certainly she, I espy her Laurel ; she is come to Life 
 again, and has the Impudence presumptuously to come into 
 my Presence, without any Fear of me : I'll advance up to
 
 34 8 Colloquies tif Erasmus. 
 
 her, and make her know who I am. A Mischief take you, 
 you impudent Jade. 
 
 Tha, You salute me very roughly : Pray, forsooth, take 
 that to yourself that you wish to me. 
 
 Bar. Why, Thalia, are not you, that have been routed so 
 long ago, asham'd to come into my Presence ? 
 
 Tha. Do you ask me such a Question ? you are not worthy 
 to lay your Eyes upon me ; and it is beneath me to cast my 
 Eyes upon such a nasty Beast as you are. 
 
 Bar. Hey day ! What, a poor beggarly Wretch to dare to 
 affront me ! What, don't you know me better than that 
 comes to ? Take Care you don't provoke me. 
 
 Tha. A Fart for your Menaces, I don't mind 'em, nor no 
 Body else : Should I be afraid of you, you nasty Wretch ? 
 
 Bar. Take Care whom you throw your Reflections upon. 
 
 Tha. You may thank your Companions there for your 
 Grandeur. 
 
 Bar. What, these ? 
 
 Tha. Yes, them, and none but them. 
 
 Bar. What am I indebted to them for ? Pray tell me. 
 
 Tha. It is their Opinion of you, or rather their Error, that 
 has rais'd you to the Pitch of a Goddess, and not your noble 
 Birth. 
 
 Bar. But (if Time would permit) I could authentically 
 derive my Pedigree from the Divinity itself. 
 
 Tha. A rare Pedigree, I'll warrant you ! Pray let's have it, 
 there's Time enough ; and no Doubt but the Sun will stand 
 still while you are telling such strange Stories. 
 
 Bar. You make a mighty bragging of your being Jupiter's 
 Daughter, and triumph in Apollds being your Conductor. 
 My Father was one who would not knock under to him, 
 either for Valour, Archery, or Musick. When at any Time 
 he had a Mind to divert himself with singing, like Orpheus, 
 he made the very Woods and Mountains dance after his 
 Musick ; and as for Racing, he would outstrip even the 
 East Wind itself. 
 
 Tha. I have heard these Stories a thousand Times over.
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism. 349 
 
 Bar. What have you to say to that ? Do you take me in ? 
 
 T/ia. When you first started up in the World, you pre- 
 tended Chiron was half Man. 
 
 Bar. It's like your Manners to break in upon me, before 
 I've said what I was about; han't you Patience to hold your 
 Tongue, till I have said what I had to say ? 
 
 Tha. I have if you'll keep to the Truth. But if I do hold 
 my Tongue, I shan't mind you much. 
 
 Bar. What, do you make a Liar of me too ? 
 
 Tha. No ; but if you take it upon yourself, it really be- 
 longs to you. 
 
 Bar. Do you speak the Truth when you say I was Chiron' 1 :. 
 Daughter ? 
 
 Tha. Why, here are Witnesses of it. 
 
 Bar. Where are they, pray ? 
 
 Tha. Why this great Tail that hangs down to your Heels 
 is one, and these Bristles on your Back, and these whitish 
 Ears on your Head, all these plainly shew you are one 
 of Chiron's Offspring ; he begat you upon an Ass ; a very 
 fine Pedigree to brag of ! 
 
 Bar. I see you set yourself to be as abusive as you can. 
 You make a mighty to do about Shape ; but let us come 
 to Virtue, argue about that, about Fame, and Glory, and 
 Adorers : What signifies the Body ? 
 
 Tfta. No great Matter indeed, saving that a deformed 
 Mind usually accompanies a deformed Body. But come on, 
 we'll come to those Things. 
 
 Bar. Take this in the first Place ; there are but few that 
 adore you, the whole World adores me ; you being hardly 
 known by any Body, lie incognito ; I have extended my 
 Name all over the World, I am well known and famous 
 every where. 
 
 Tha. I own that. 
 
 Bar. You would not own it, if you had any Thing to say 
 against it. 
 
 Tha. Yes, I have something to say against it : You knew 
 Cacus ?
 
 350 Colloquies of Erasmus* 
 
 Bar. Who does not know Cacus ? 
 
 Tha. That Cacus whom Virgil speaks of. 
 
 Bar. I knew him. 
 
 Tha. I believe you did, for he was a famous Fellow ; and 
 as he was famous, just so are you. And then again, whereas 
 you take it to your Praise, that the World follows you, I 
 interpret it rather to your Dishonour ; for every Thing that is 
 scarce, is valuable. There is nothing valuable that is com- 
 mon to the Vulgar. Altho' my Admirers are but few, yet 
 they are Persons of Figure and Gravity. But pray what 
 great Reputation is it to you, that you are admir'd by the 
 ignorant Mobility ? 
 
 Bar. Silly Wench ! the Thing is quite different; for I don't 
 leave those Persons unlearned, that I find so ; but I rather 
 improve them and instruct them, and make them Persons of 
 Learning and Gravity. 
 
 Tha. Ha, ha, ha, loaded with Books, but not with Science. 
 
 Bar. You're a poor Scrub, and I am as well able to make 
 my Followers learned as you are yours. 
 
 Tha. Yes, like yourself; for being barbarous yourself, you 
 make Barbarians of them too : What can you do else ? 
 
 Bar. Now I find by Experience, the Character is true that 
 I heard of you long ago, that you are a prating, impertinent 
 Baggage. Leave off, Simpleton, you know nothing at all ; 
 this I am sure of, that if you knew but half I know, you 
 would not have the Impudence to talk at this Rate. In 
 my Academy at Zwoll, what Glory, Discipline and Improve- 
 ment is there ! If I should but begin to enumerate, you'd 
 burst with Envy. 
 
 Tha. Yes, forsooth ; and so I believe you'd make the very 
 Post and Pillars burst with your braggadochia talking : But 
 however, begin and burst me if you can. 
 
 Bar. 'Tis too long. 
 
 Tha. Well, make short on't then, you know how. 
 
 Bar. Well then, I'll speak in brief as^to what I was saying 
 before : No Body is able to number the great Confluence 
 of Students that flock from all Parts of the spacious World 
 to that famous School.
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism. 351 
 
 Tha. Phoo ; what, does that great Ass at Zwoll ( I mean 
 the great Bell of the School) bray so loud, as to call them 
 together in Crowds ? 
 
 Bar. Sillyton, forbear railing, and hear what's said to you. 
 
 TJia. I hear. 
 
 Bar. They are there instructed, and render'd learn'd in a 
 Trice. 
 
 Tlia. Wonderfully learned, indeed ! 
 
 Bar. In the best Glosses, Vocabularies, Arguments, and 
 innumerable other notable Matters. 
 
 Tha. That's rightly spoken. 
 
 Bar. What do you grin at ? I improve them to that De- 
 gree, that there is nothing they are ignorant of. 
 
 Tha. Ay, of nothing that's Novelty. 
 
 Bar. As they grow in Stature, so they do in Experience ; 
 and being become perfect Masters, they are made Instruc- 
 tors of others : Then I discharge them, that they may live 
 happily, and die blessedly. 
 
 Tha. Ha, ha, ha ; I envy them so much, I can hardly for- 
 bear bursting my Sides with laughing. 
 
 Bar. Fool, what do you laugh at ? Do you think what I 
 say deserves to be laugh'd at ? 
 
 Tha. I can give you a better Account of the Matter. 
 
 Bar. What, you ? 
 
 Tlia. Yes, I ; and if you please you shall hear it too. 
 
 Bar. Well, begin then. 
 
 Tha. As to the Number of your followers, I grant it ; and 
 if they have learnt any Thing right in Schools before, they 
 must be forc'd to unlearn it again : And then, as to those 
 Dispensations (of which you have reckon 'd up a great many) 
 they are not so much instructed, as confounded by them, 
 till at last they know nothing at all : You improve them till 
 they don't know so much as themselves. Their Horns 
 grow on their Foreheads, and then they seem very cunning 
 Fellows, and are more fit to rule than be ruled. And at 
 last you send them away in a Condition to live merrily, and 
 die blessedly.
 
 35 2 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Bar. I find you can't keep your Tongue from railing ; 
 but have a Care you don't raise my Indignation. If you 
 don't forbear throwing your Squibs at me, I'll throw them 
 at you again ; I have something to hit you in the Teeth of. 
 
 Tha, And nothing but Slanders. 
 
 Bar. You poor Wretch you, I say I send them back such 
 (whether you know it, or no) that they won't strike Sail to 
 your Poets for Versification (that is the chief Thing you 
 have to boast of.) 
 
 Tlia. For Number, I confess ; but we don't so much re- 
 gard the Number of Verses, as the Goodness of them. But 
 you, on the contrary, only take Notice of the Number, and 
 not the Goodness ; you count the Pages, but pass by the 
 Barbarisms that are in them. So they do but hang together, 
 that's the only Thing that you regard, it's no Matter for the 
 Goodness of them. 
 
 Bar. You senseless Creature, you make a mighty to do 
 about Goodness ; I don't think any Thing is so empty of 
 Goodness as your Poems ; for what are they but gilded Lies, 
 full of old Womens Tales ? 
 
 Tha. You commend them sufficiently. 
 
 Bar. I commend such ridiculous Stuff? 
 
 Tlia. You commend, and don't know you do it. 
 
 Bar. What, such lying ones ; I rather ridicule them than 
 praise them. 
 
 Tha. You praise them against your Will. 
 
 Bar. How so ? 
 
 Tha. While thou enviously railest at them ; for the Way 
 to displease those that are bad is to commend them. 
 
 Bar. Great and elaborate Lies that any Body may envy. 
 
 Tha. You shew your Ignorance as plainly as the Sun at 
 Noon-Day. Unhappy Wretch, you are not sensible how 
 much you commend the Industry of those Poets by your 
 foolish Talking, who think it unfit to cast Roses before 
 Swine in Mire and Dirt ; and therefore they wrap up and 
 hide the Truth in ambiguous Words and enigmatical Ex- 
 pressions ; that tho' all may read them, yet all may not
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism. 353 
 
 understand them. They read them, and go away as igno- 
 rant as if they never had seen them. A Man of Learning 
 reads them, and searches into the Meaning of the Words 
 (for they are transparent) and finds that under them is 
 couch'd a vast Treasure of wholesome Truth, that the other 
 pass'd over unobserv'd. 
 
 Bar. Very fine, very fine ; a comical Piece of Roguery, to 
 mingle Truth and Falsehood together ! to corrupt Truth 
 with feigned Fables ! Is this that you give such great En- 
 comiums of ? 
 
 TJta. Shall I give you an Answer to this in a few Words? 
 But first answer me this ; pray, which do you look upon to 
 be the best, to pick up Jewels out of Dung, or to admire 
 them set in Gold. 
 
 Bar. The last is the best. 
 
 Tha. You mean to yourself, and so it is. As for you, if 
 there is any Truth in a Poem, you obscure it so with trifling 
 Words, that it rather makes it look dim, than gives it a 
 Lustre. On the contrary we (not as you reproachfully say) 
 don't corrupt the Truth by an Elegancy of Words ; but we 
 put a Lustre upon it, as when a Jewel is set in Gold. We 
 don't take the Lustre from it, but add to it ; we don't make 
 it more dark, but shine the brighter. And last of all, this we 
 do, we labour that that Truth, which is of its own Nature 
 profitable, be made more grateful by Industry. As for 
 your Partizans, they being ignorant of these Things, reproach, 
 carp at, and are envious at them. If they were wise, how 
 
 much more would they cry me up 1 have stopt your 
 
 Mouth now ; I'll break this Silence. 
 
 Bar. I might have said that more justly of your Partizans. 
 
 Tha. I have broken it. 
 
 Bar. Those that don't understand our Poetry, don't know 
 how to do any Thing, but to laugh and scoff". 
 
 Tlia. They are such, that if a Man understands them, he 
 will be never the wiser ; and if he does not, he will know 
 never the less. 
 
 VOL. II. Z
 
 354 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Bar. There is no Need of a great many Words, the Thing 
 proves itself. 
 
 Tka. The Thing prove itself! I should be glad to see 
 that. 
 
 Bar. I mean those Persons, which the Knowledge of 
 Things has render'd famous. 
 
 Tka. Is there any one such Person ? 
 
 Bar. Yes, without Number. 
 
 Tka. That's well said, as if no Body could number them ; 
 for no Body can number that which is but one, and not that 
 neither : However, you may begin, tho' you should not be 
 able to go thro' with it. 
 
 Bar. In the first, and chief Place, Florista, that took his 
 Name from Flowers. 
 
 Tka. But not sweet-smelling ones. 
 
 Bar. Then here's Papias. 
 
 Tka. A very learned Man, indeed ! you ought to have 
 named him first. 
 
 Bar. Then here's Huguito. 
 
 Tka. A very famous Man ! 
 
 Bar. And Michael Modista* 
 
 Tka. An excellent one ! 
 
 Bar. Then here's James Glosarius* 
 
 Tka. A wonderful Man ! 
 
 Bar. And him that I esteem above them all, John de 
 Garlandia, who excels in such an Elegancy of Words, and 
 such a Majesty of Style, that there are but very few that can 
 understand him. 
 
 Tka. Nay, no Body at all, unless they are Barbarians as 
 well as he ; for how can any Body easily understand him, 
 who did not well understand himself? 
 
 Bar. There's no- End in talking with you ; you out-do me 
 in Words, but I don't think Victory consists in them. If 
 you have a Mind to it, let us each of us try what we can do. 
 Do you make Verses with me. Come, don't stand shivering 
 and shaking, nor shilly shally ; I am ready for you ; then it 
 will appear whether of us gets the better.
 
 The Conflict between Thalia and Barbarism. 355 
 
 Tka. I like it very well. Come on, let us try : But, Mis- 
 tress Poetess, do you begin first. 
 
 Bar. These are Verses that I have often repeated in the 
 Presence of very learned Men, and not without the great 
 Admiration of all of them. 
 
 Tlia. I believe so ; now begin. 
 
 Bar. Zwollenses tales, quod eorum Theutonicales 
 
 Nomen per partes ubicunque probantur et artes, 
 Et quasi per mundum totum sunt nota rotundum. 
 Zwollensique solo proferre latinica solo 
 Discunt Clericuli nimium bene verba novelli. 
 
 These Verses are a Demonstration how elegant a Poet I am. 
 Tha. Ha, ha, ha ; they contain as many Barbarisms, as 
 Words : This to be sure is certainly your Father's Speech, 
 I mean Chiron'?, ; a Poem excellently compos'd ; I won't 
 defer giving it its just Due. 
 
 Tale sonant insulsa mihi tua carmtna, vates, 
 Quale sonat sylvis vox irrudentis onagri ; 
 Quale boat torvus pecora inter agrestia taut us, 
 Qualeque testiculis gallus genitalibus orbus 
 Concinit. Haud vocem humanam, sed dicoferinam. 
 Hanc celebres laudate viri, et doctissime Florum 
 Auctor, ades ; gratos in serta nitentia flores 
 Colligito, meritaeque coronam nectito Divae : 
 Urticae viridi graveolentem junge cicutam. 
 Talia nam tali debentur praemia vati. 
 Annue, Barbaries, tuque hanc sine cornua rircum 
 Inter candidulas laurum tibi metier aures. 
 
 Bar. This makes me ready to spew ; I can't bear to hear 
 such silly Stuff. Do I loiter away my Time here, and don't 
 go to Zwoll to see what my Friends are doing there ? 
 
 Tha. Make Haste, and let a Blockhead visit the Block- 
 heads ; your coming to them will be very acceptable : I see 
 I spend my Breath upon you in vain : You will never be 
 a Changeling. I very aptly apply'd to you that Verse of 
 Virgil, 
 
 Non illam nostri possunt mutare labores.
 
 356 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 We do but endeavour to wash a Black-moor white. 
 
 Mel. At the beginning of this Contention, as soon as ever 
 we espy'd this Monster, we all grew sick at the Stomach. 
 
 Tlia. I believe so, truly. 
 
 Cal. Mistress, let us leave this beastly Creature, and be- 
 take our selves to the airy Top of Parnassus Hill, and the 
 Heliconian Fountain. 
 
 TJia. Let us do so.
 
 357 
 
 DES. ERASMUS of Rotterdam 
 TO THE 
 
 READER, 
 
 Concerning the 
 
 Profitablenefs of COLLOQUIES. 
 
 MALICIOUS Detraction, attended with the Furies, 
 does at this Day so rage throughout the whole World, 
 that it is unsafe to publish any Book, except it be defended 
 by a Guard. Altho', what indeed can be secure enough 
 from the Sting of a false Accuser, who like the Adder at the 
 Voice of the Charmer, stops his Ear from hearing any one 
 clearing himself, though it be ever so justly ? The first Part 
 of this Work, which is mine and not mine, was publish'd'by 
 reason of the Rashness of a certain Man : Which when I 
 perceiv'd it was receiv'd by the Students with great Applause, 
 I made use of the Affection of the common People, for the 
 Furtherance of Studies. And so Physicians themselves don't 
 always administer the most wholsome Things to their Pa- 
 tients, but permit them to take some Things, because they 
 have a very strong Desire for them. So in like Manner, 
 I thought meet to allure tender Youth with Inticements 
 of this Sort, who are more easily attracted with those 
 Things that are pleasant, than those that are serious, or the 
 most exact. Therefore I have again corrected that which
 
 358 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 was published, and besides have added such Things as may 
 conduce to the forming of good Manners, as it were insinua- 
 ting into the Minds of young Persons, whom Aristotle ac- 
 counted not to be fit Auditors of Moral Philosophy, viz. such 
 as is deliver'd in serious Precepts. And if any one shall cry 
 out, that it is an unseemly Thing for an old Man to sport him- 
 self thus childishly ; I care not how childishly it be, so it be 
 but profitably. And if the antient Teachers of Children are 
 commended, who allur'd them with Wafers, that they might 
 be willing to learn their first Rudiments ; I think it ought not 
 to be charg'd as a Fault upon me, that by the like Regard I 
 allure Youths either to the Elegancy of the Latin Tongue, 
 or to Piety. And besides, it is a good Part of Prudence 
 to know the foolish Affections of the common People, and 
 their absurd Opinions. I judge it to be much better to in- 
 struct those out of this little Book, than by Experience, the 
 Mistress of Fools. The Rules of Grammar are crabbed 
 Things to many Persons. Aristotle's Moral Philosophy is: 
 not fit for Children. Status's Divinity is less fit, nor is it in- 
 deed of any great use to Men, to procure them Understand- 
 ing. And it is a Matter of great Moment early to dissemi- 
 nate a Taste of the best Things into the tender Minds of 
 Children ; and I cannot tell that any Thing is learn'd with 
 better Success than what is learn'd by playing : And 
 this is in Truth a very harmless Sort of Fraud, to trick a 
 Person into his own Profit. Physicians are commended for 
 cheating their Patients after this Manner ; and yet if I had 
 done nothing else in this Matter but trifled, they might seem 
 to have borne with me ; now, because, besides the Elegancy 
 of the Language, I have inserted some Things that may pre- 
 pare the Mind for Religion, they accuse me falsely, and as tho' 
 the Principles of the Christian Religion were here seriously 
 set down, they examine every Syllable exactly. How un- 
 justly they do this, will appear more evidently when I shall 
 have shewn the great Profitableness of some Colloquies. 
 To omit so many Sentences, intermix'd with Jests ; so 
 many pleasant Stories, and the Natures of so many Things 
 worthy to be taken Notice of;
 
 Concerning tJte Profitableness of Colloquies. 359 
 
 In the Colloquy concerning visiting of holy Places, the su- 
 perstitious and immoderate Affection of some is restrain'd, 
 who think it to be the chiefest Piety to have visited Jeru- 
 salem ; and thither do old Bishops run over so great Tracts 
 of Land and Sea, leaving their Charge, which they should 
 rather have taken Care of. Thither also do Princes run, 
 leaving their Families and their Dominions. Thither do 
 Husbands run, leaving their Wives and Children at Home, 
 whose Manners and Chastity it were necessary to have been 
 guarded by them. Thither do young Men and Women run, 
 with the Hazard of their Manners and Integrity. And some 
 go the second Time, ay, do nothing else all their Life long ; 
 and in the mean Time the Pretence of Religion is made the 
 Excuse for their Superstition, Inconstancy, Folly, and Rash- 
 ness ; and he that deserts his Family contrary to the Doctrine 
 of St. Paul, bears away the Bell for Sanctimony, and thinks 
 himself compleatly religious. Paul, i Tim. v. 8. boldly says, 
 But if any provide not for his own, and especially those of his 
 own House ; he hath denied the Faith, and is worse than an 
 Infidel. And yet Paul in this Place seems to speak of Wi- 
 dows that neglect their Children and Grand-children, and 
 that under Pretence of Religion, while they give themselves 
 up to the Service of the Church. What would he say of 
 Husbands, who leave their tender Children and young 
 Wives, and that in a poor Condition, to take a Journey to 
 Jerusalem ? I will produce but one Example out of many, 
 and not so long ago but that the Grand-children are still 
 living, whom the great Damage they sustain'd does not suf- 
 fer to forget what was done. 
 
 A certain great Man took a Resolution to pay a Visit to 
 Jerusalem before he died, with a religious Intent indeed, 
 but not well advis'd. Having set in order the Affairs of his 
 Possessions, he committed the Care and Custody of his 
 Lady, who was big with Child, of his Towns and Castles, 
 to an Archbishop, as to a Father. As soon as the News 
 arriv'd that the Man was dead in his Pilgrimage, the Arch- 
 bishop, instead of acting the Part of a Father, play'd the
 
 360 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 Robber, seiz'd all the dead Man's Possessions, and besieg'd 
 a strong well-defended Castle, into which the Lady great 
 with Child, had fled ; and having taken it by Storm, lest 
 any one should survive who might revenge the heinous Fact, 
 the Lady great with Child, together with her Infant, was 
 run thro' and died. Would it not have been a pious Deed, 
 to have dissuaded this Man from so dangerous and unne- 
 cessary a Journey ? How many Examples of this Kind there 
 are to be found, I leave others to judge. In the mean Time, 
 to say nothing of the Charges, which tho' I grant they be not 
 entirely lost, yet there is no wise Man but will confess, that 
 they might have been laid out to far better Purpose : But 
 then as to the Religion of making such Visits, St Jerome 
 commends Hilarion in that, tho' he was a Native of Pales- 
 tine, and dwelt in Palestine, yet he never went to see Jerusa- 
 lem, tho' it was so near, but once, lest he might seem to 
 despise holy Places. If Hilarion was deservedly commended, 
 because being so near, he forbore going to visit Jertisalem, 
 lest he should seem to shut up God in a narrow Compass, 
 and went thither but once, and that by Reason of the near- 
 ness of the Place, lest he might give Offence to any ; what 
 shall we say of those who go to Jerusalem thro' so many 
 Dangers, and at so great Expence, out of England &t\& Scot- 
 land, and especially leaving their nearest and dearest Rela- 
 tions at Home, of whom, according to the Doctrine of the 
 Apostle, they ought to have a continual Care ? St. Jerome 
 proclaims aloud, tJiat it is no great Matter to have been at 
 Jerusalem, but it is a great Thing to have lived well. And 
 yet it is probable that in Jerome's Time there were more 
 evident Footsteps of antient Monuments to be seen, than 
 now. As to the Dispute concerning Vows, I leave that to 
 others. This Colloquy only treats, that none should rashly 
 take such Vows upon them : That this is true, these Words 
 of mine plainly shew ; Especially I having a Wife at Jwme, 
 as yet in tJiejlower of far Age, Children, and a Family which 
 depended upon me, and were maintain d by my daily Labour ; 
 and other Words that follow. Therefore I will say nothing
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 36 1 
 
 of Vows that are made, only this, that if I were Pope, I 
 would not unwillingly discharge those that had bound them- 
 selves from them. In undertaking them, as I grant that 
 it is possible for some one to go to Jerusalem with an Ad- 
 vantage to Piety ; so I should make no Scruple from many 
 Circumstances of Things, to advise, that they would lay out 
 the Expences, Time, and Pains, to other Purposes, which 
 would more immediately conduce to true Piety. I judge 
 these to be pious Things, and for that Reason considering 
 either the Inconstancy or Ignorance, or Superstition of 
 many, I have thought it proper to give Youth Warning of 
 that Thing ; and I do not see whom this Admonition ought 
 to offend, unless perhaps such Persons to whom Gain is pre- 
 ferable to Godliness. Nor do I there condemn the Pope's 
 Indulgences or Pardons ; but that most vain Trifler, who put 
 all his Hope in Mens Pardons, without the least Thought 
 of amending his Life. If any one shall seriously consider 
 with me how great a Destruction of Piety arises among 
 Men, partly by their Vices, who prostitute the Pope's In- 
 dulgences, and partly by the Fault of them who take them 
 otherwise than they ought to do, he will confess that it is 
 worth the while to admonish young Men of this Matter. 
 But some may say, by this Means the Commissioners 
 lose their Gain : Hear me, O honest Man ; if they are good 
 Men, they will rejoice that the Simple are thus admonish'd; 
 but if they are such as prefer Gain before Godliness, fare 
 them well. 
 
 In the Colloquy concerning hunting after Benefices, I 
 blame those who frequently run to Rome and hunt after 
 Benefices, oftentimes with the corrupting their Manners, and 
 loss of their Money ; and for that Reason I carry on my 
 Discourse, that a Priest should delight himself in reading 
 good Authors, instead of a Concubine. 
 
 In the Soldier's Confession, I tax the Villanies of Soldiers, 
 and their wicked Confessions ; that young Men may detest 
 such Manners. 
 
 In the ScJwolmaster s Admonitions, I teach a Boy Shame- 
 facedness, and Manners becoming his Age.
 
 362 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 In the Child's Piety, do I not furnish a childish Mind with 
 godly Precepts, for the Study of Piety ? As for that which 
 some have snarl'd at concerning Confession, it is a mere Ca- 
 lumny, to which I have answer' d long ago. I teach that 
 Confession is to be perform'd, just as it was ordain'd for us 
 by Christ : But whether it be so done, I have neither a Mind 
 to disprove nor affirm, because I am not thoroughly satisfied 
 of it myself: nor am I able to prove it to others. And 
 whereas I advise to deliberate about chusing a Kind of Life, 
 and to make choice of a Priest to whom you may commit 
 your Secrets, I judg'd it to be necessary for young Men ; nor 
 do I see any Reason why I should repent of it But if so, 
 there will be fewer Monks and Priests : It may be so ; but 
 then perhaps they will be better, and whosoever is a Monk 
 indeed, will prove it so. And besides, they who endeavour 
 to make Men be of their own Persuasion, either for the Sake 
 of their own Gain or Superstition, do very well deserve to 
 be defam'd by the Writings of all Men, that they may be 
 brought to Repentance. 
 
 In the Profane Feast, I condemn not the Ordinances of 
 the Church concerning Fasts and choice of Meats ; but I 
 point out the Superstition of some Men, who lay more Stress 
 on these Things than they ought to do, and neglect those 
 Things that are more conducive to Piety. And I condemn 
 the Cruelty of them, who require strictly these Things of 
 those Persons from whom the Meaning of the Church does 
 not exact them ; and also the preposterous Holiness of those 
 Persons who condemn their Neighbour for such Things. 
 Here, if any one shall consider how great a Mischief among 
 Men accrues hence to Godliness, he will confess that scarce 
 any other Admonition is more necessary. But in another 
 Place I shall give a fuller Answer to this Matter. 
 
 In tlie Religious Feast, altho' I make them all Lay-Men, 
 and all married Men, yet I sufficiently shew what Sort of 
 Feast that of all Christians ought to be. With which Pat- 
 tern, if some Monks and Priests compare their Feasts, they 
 will perceive how far short they fall of that Perfection, in 
 which they ought to exceed Lay-Men.
 
 Concerning tlie Profitableness of Colloquies. 363 
 
 In the Canonization, I shew what Honour is due to Men 
 of Excellency, who have well deserv'd by their Studies of 
 the Liberal Arts. 
 
 They are foolish who think that the Colloquy between the 
 Maid and her Sweetheart is lascivious, whereas nothing can 
 be imagin'd more chaste, if Wedlock be an honest Thing, 
 and it be honest to be a Woer. And I could wish that all 
 Woers were such as I suppose one in this Colloquy to be, 
 and that Marriages were contracted with no other Discourses. 
 What can you do with those of a sour Disposition, and averse 
 to all pleasant Discourse, who think all that is friendly and 
 merry, is unchaste ? This young Maid refuses to give her 
 Sweetheart a Kiss at his Departure, that she may preserve 
 her Virginity for him entire. But what do not Maids now- 
 a-Days grant to their Sweethearts ? Besides, they don't per- 
 ceive how many Philosophical Sayings are intermix'd with 
 Jests, concerning Marriages so hastily made up ; concerning 
 the choice of Bodies, but much more of Minds ; concerning 
 the firmness of Matrimony ; concerning not contracting Mar- 
 riages without the Consent of Parents, and of keeping them 
 chastly ; of the religious Education of Children : And in the 
 last Place, the young Maid prays, that Christ by his Fa- 
 vour would make their Marriage happy. Is it not fit that 
 young Men and Maids should know those Things ? And 
 Persons who think that this Lesson is hurtful to Children, 
 by reason of the Wantonness of it, suffer Plautus and the 
 Jests of Poggius to be read to them. O excellent Judgment ! 
 
 In tJie Virgin t/iat is averse to Marriage, I abhor those 
 that by their Allurements draw young Men and Maids into 
 Monasteries, contrary to the Minds of their Parents ; making 
 a Handle either of their Simplicity or Superstition, persua- 
 ding them there is no Hope of Salvation out of a Monastery. 
 I should not have given this Counsel, if the World were not 
 full of such Fishermen, and a great many excellent Wits 
 were not unhappily smother'd and buried alive by these Fel- 
 lows, which otherwise, if they had judiciously taken upon 
 them a Course of Life suitable to their Inclinations, might
 
 364 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 have been choice Vessels of the Lord. But if at any Time 
 I shall be constrain'd to speak my Mind upon this Subject, 
 I will both so paint out these Kidnappers, and the Heinous- 
 ness of the Evil itself, that every one shall own that I have 
 not given this Advice without a Cause ; altho' I have done 
 it civilly too, lest I should give Occasion of Offence to ill 
 Men. 
 
 In the next Colloquy, I don't bring in a Virgin that has 
 changed her Course of Life after she has profess'd herself ; 
 but before she has compleatly enter'd upon the Profession, 
 she returns to her Parents, who are very loving to her. 
 
 In the Colloquy blaming Marriage, how many Philoso- 
 phical Sayings are there relating to concealing the Faults 
 of Husbands ; relating to the hearty good Will of married 
 Persons, not to be broken off ; relating to the making up 
 Breaches, and reforming the Manners of Husbands ; of the 
 pliable Manners of Wives towards their Husbands ? What 
 else do Plutarch, Aristotle, and XenopJion teach ? But that 
 here the Persons add a Kind of Life to the Discourse. 
 
 In the Colloquy of the Soldier and Carthusian, I at once 
 do lively describe both the Madness of young Men who run 
 into the Army, and the Life of a pious Carthusian, which, 
 without Delight in his Studies, cannot but be melancholy 
 and unpleasant. 
 
 In the Notable Lyar I lively set forth the Dispositions of 
 some Persons who are born to lying, than which Kind of 
 Persons there is nothing more abominable : I wish they 
 were more rare. 
 
 In the Colloquy of the Young Man and the Harlot, do I 
 not make Bawdy-houses chaste ? And what could be ima- 
 gin'd more effectual, either to implant the Care of Chastity 
 in the Minds of young Men, or to reclaim young Maids who 
 are set to Sale for Gain, from a Course of Life that is as 
 wretched as it is beastly ? There is one Word only that has 
 offended some Persons, because the immodest Girl, soothing 
 the young Man, calls him her Cocky ; whereas this is a very 
 common Expression among us, with honest Matrons. He
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 365 
 
 that can't away with this, instead of my Cocky, let him read 
 my Delight, or any Thing else as he pleases. 
 
 In the Poetical Feast, I shew what Kind of Feasts Students 
 ought to keep, viz. a frugal, but a jocose and merry one, 
 season'd with learned Stories, without Contentions, Back- 
 biting, and obscene Discourse. 
 
 In the Enquiry concerning Faith, I set forth the Sum of 
 the Catholick Religion, and that too something more lively 
 and clearly than it is taught by some Divines of great Fame ; 
 among which I reckon Gerson, whom, in the mean Time, I 
 mention by Name for Honour's Sake. And besides, I bring 
 in the Person of a LutJieran, that there may be a more easy 
 Agreement betwixt them, in that they agree in the chief 
 Articles of the Orthodox Religion ; altho' I have not added 
 the remaining Part of the Enquiry, because of the Malice 
 of the Times. 
 
 In the Old Mens Discourse, how many Things are there 
 that are shewn as it were in a Looking-Glass, which either 
 should be avoided in Life, or may render it comfortable. 
 It is better for young Persons to learn these Things by 
 pleasant Colloquies, than by Experience. Socrates brought 
 Philosophy down even from Heaven to Earth, and I have 
 made it a Diversion, brought it into familiar Conversation, 
 and to the Table : For even the Divertisements of Christians 
 ought to savour of Philosophy. 
 
 In the Rich Beggars, how many Things are there by which 
 Country-Parsons that are ignorant and illiterate, and no 
 Way deserving the Name of Pastors, may be enabled to 
 amend their Lives ? And besides, to take away the glorying 
 in Garments, and to restrain the Madness of those who hate 
 a Monk's Attire, as if a Garment were evil of itself ? And 
 by the Way, there is a Pattern set down, what Sort of Per- 
 sons those Monks ought to be, who walk to and fro through 
 the Villages ; for there are not many such as I here describe. 
 
 In the Learned Woman, I refresh the Memory of the old 
 Example of Paula, Eustochium, and Marcella, who added 
 the Study of Learning to the Integrity of Manners : And I
 
 366 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 incite Monks and Abbots, who are Haters of sacred Studies, 
 and give themselves up to Luxury, Idleness, Hunting, and 
 Gaming, to other Kind of Studies more becoming them, by 
 the Example of a young married Woman. 
 
 In tJ-te Apparition I detect the Wiles of Impostors, who 
 are wont to impose upon well-meaning credulous People, 
 by feigning Apparitions of Devils, and Souls, and Voices 
 from Heaven : And what a great deal of Mischief have 
 these juggling Tricks done to Christian Piety ? And because 
 an ignorant and simple Age is in an especial Manner liable 
 to be impos'd upon by these Deceptions, I thought it proper 
 to set forth the Manner of the Imposture to the Life by a 
 facetious Example. Pope Celestine himself was impos'd 
 upon by such Tricks ; and a young Man of Berne deluded 
 by Monks ; and even at this very Day, many are thus im- 
 pos'd upon by devised Oracles. 
 
 Nor are the least Part of human Miseries owing to Al- 
 chymy, by which even learned and wise Men are impos'd 
 upon ; it being so pleasing a Disease, if once any one be 
 seiz'd with it. To this Magick is also a-kin, being the same 
 in Name, but flattering them with the Sirname of Natural. 
 I charge Horse-Coursers with the same cheating Tricks, 
 and in the Beggars Dialogue ; and again in the Fabulous 
 Feast. If Boys should, from these Colloquies, learn nothing 
 else but to speak Latin ; of how much greater Commenda- 
 tions are my Labours worthy, who by that Way of Play and 
 Divertisement effect that, than theirs who enforc'd upon 
 Youth the Mammotrecti, Brackylogi, CatJiolicontae, and the 
 Methods of signifying. 
 
 In the Lying-in Woman, besides the Knowledge of natu- 
 ral Things, there are a great many good Morals concerning 
 the Care of Mothers towards their Children ; first while they 
 are Infants, and again after they are grown up. 
 
 In the Religious Pilgrimage, I reprehend those who have 
 tumultuously cast all Images out of Churches, and also those 
 that are mad upon going on Pilgrimage under Pretence of 
 Religion, from whence also now-a-Days Societies are formed.
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 367 
 
 They who have been at Jerusalem arrogate to themselves the 
 Title of Knights, and call themselves Brothers ; and on 
 Palm-Sunday devoutly perform a ridiculous Action, and 
 drag an Ass by a Rope, making themselves at most as mere 
 Asses, as the wooden Ass they drag along. They also, that 
 have gone on Pilgrimage to Compostella, have imitated them 
 in this. Let these Practices be allow'd, let them be allow'd 
 to gratify the Humours of Men ; but it is an unsufferable 
 Thing, that they should make it a Part of Piety. Those Per- 
 sons also are remark'd upon, who shew uncertain Reliques 
 for certain ones, and attribute more to them than ought to 
 be, and basely make a Gain of them. 
 
 In the Ichthyophagia, or Fish-eating, I treat of human 
 Constitutions, which some wholly reject, deviating much 
 from right Reason : And on the other Hand, some in a 
 Manner prefer them before divine Laws : And some again 
 abuse Institutions both human and divine, to Gain and 
 Tyranny. I therefore endeavour to temper both Parties to 
 Moderation, by enquiring from whence human Constitutions 
 have had their Original ; and by what Steps they have ad- 
 vanc'd till this Time ; on what Persons, and how far they 
 are obligatory ; to what Ends they are useful, how far they 
 differ from divine ; shewing by the Way the preposterous 
 Judgments of Men, of which the World is now full, and 
 from whence this Uproar in the World proceeded. And I 
 have treated of these Things more at large for this Reason, 
 that I might give occasion to the Learned, to write more 
 accurately of them ; for those that have written of them 
 hitherto have not given Satisfaction to the Curious. It was 
 not so much to the Purpose to write against Whoring, 
 Drunkenness, and Adultery, because none are deceiv'd by 
 these Things ; but true Piety is endanger'd by the other, 
 which either are not perceiv'd, or do allure by a deceitful 
 show of Sanctity. 
 
 In the Funeral, inasmuch as Death commonly tries the 
 Hope of a Christian, I have represented a different Kind of 
 Death in two private Persons, as it were by a lively Image,
 
 368 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 representing the different Departure of those that put their 
 Trust in Fictions, and of those who have plac'd the Hope of 
 their Salvation in the Lord's Mercy ; by the Way reproving 
 the foolish Ambition of rich Men, who extend their Pride 
 and Luxury even beyond their Death, which Death at least 
 ought to take away : Also reprehending the Error of those 
 who abuse the Folly of those Men to their own Profit, when 
 it is their Business in an especial Manner to correct it. For 
 who is he that shall presume to admonish, with Freedom, 
 Men of Power and Wealth, if Monks, who profess themselves 
 dead to the World, sooth their Vices ? If there are not any 
 such as I have describ'd, yet I have produc'd an Example 
 that ought to be avoided ; but if more accursed Things than 
 I have set forth, are reported to be commonly practis'd, then 
 those that are just, ought to acknowledge my Civility, and 
 amend that in which they are to blame ; and if they are 
 blameless themselves, let them either reform, or restrain 
 those who do offend. I have reviled no Order, unless he 
 shall be accounted to defame all Christendom, that by Way 
 of Admonition shall say any Thing against the corrupt 
 Manners of Christians. Those that are so concern'd for the 
 Honour of the Order, ought to be hinder'd from finding 
 fault with me, especially by those who by their Actions do 
 openly disgrace the Order. And since they own, cherish 
 and defend such as are Brother-Companions, with what Face 
 can they pretend that the Honour of the Order is lessen'd 
 by one that faithfully admonishes ? Altho', what Reason is 
 there which dictates, that this or that Fraternity should be 
 so respected, that the common Profit of Christians should 
 be neglected ? And if any take it ill that I have placed 
 this theological Disputation in the Mouths of sordid Per- 
 sons, these Things are now discussed by such Persons in 
 all Companies, whose Habit it is to treat of them in a more 
 familiar and homely Fashion. 
 
 In the Colloquy of the Difference of Names and Things, I 
 find fault with the preposterous Judgment of some. 
 
 In the Unequal Feast, I shew what is agreeable to Civility.
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 369 
 
 In Charon I shew my Abhorrence of War among Chris- 
 tians. 
 
 In tJie Assembly of Grammarians I deride the Study of a 
 certain Carthusian, very learned in his own Opinion, who, 
 whereas it was his Custom foolishly to rail against the Greek 
 Tongue, hath now put a Greek Title to his Book ; but ridi- 
 culously calling them Anticomaritce, whom he should have 
 call'd Antemarians, or Antidicomarians. 
 
 In the Cyclops I reprove such as have the Gospel in their 
 Mouth, when nothing like the Gospel appears in their Lives. 
 
 In the Unequal Marriage I set forth the Folly of People 
 in common, when in matching their Daughters they have 
 regard to the Wealth, but disregard the Pox of the Bride- 
 Groom, which is worse than any Leprosy. And that now-a- 
 Days is so common a Practice, that no Body wonders at it ; 
 altho' nothing can be more cruel against their Children. 
 
 In the Feigned Nobility, I describe a Sort of Men, who 
 under the Cloak of Nobility, think they may do any Thing ; 
 which is a very great Plague to Germany. 
 
 In the Parliament of Women, I was about to reprehend 
 some of the Vices of Women ; but civilly, that no Body 
 might expect any Thing like what is in Juvenal. But while 
 I was about this, the Knight without a Horse presented it- 
 self, according to the old Saying, Talk of the Devil, and he 
 appears. 
 
 The rest are in a Manner all compos'd for Diversion, 
 and that not dishonest ; which is not to defame the Orders 
 but to instruct them. Wherefore it would be more to the 
 Advantage of all the Orders, both privately and publickly, 
 if they all would lay aside the Rage of Reviling, and would 
 with Candour of Mind embrace whatsoever is offer'd with 
 an honest Intention for the publick Good. One has one 
 Gift, and another has another; some are taken with one 
 Thing, and some with another; and there are a thou- 
 sand Ways by which Men are attracted to Piety. The 
 Study of Juvenctis is commended who publish'd the His- 
 tory of the sacred Gospels in Verse. And Arator is not 
 
 VOL. II. A A
 
 370 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 without his Praises, who did the same by the Acts of the 
 Apostles. Hilary blew the Trumpet against Hereticks. 
 Augustin argues sharply. Jerome argues by way of Dialogue. 
 Prudentius maintains the Combat in a various Kind of 
 Verse. Thomas and Scotus fight with the Auxiliaries of 
 Logick and Philosophy. Their Studies have the same Ten- 
 dency, but the Method of each is different. That Diver- 
 sity is not to be blamed that tends to the same End. Peter 
 the Spaniard is read to Boys, that they may be the better 
 prepar'd to read A ristotle ; for he hath set them a good Step 
 forwards, that hath given them a Relish. But this Book, if 
 it be first read by Youth, will introduce them to many use- 
 ful Parts of Science, to Poetry, Rhetorick, Physicks, and 
 Ethicks ; and lastly, to those Things that appertain to Chris- 
 tian Piety. I have taken upon me to sustain the Person of 
 a Fool, in blazoning my own Merit ; but I have been induc'd 
 to it, partly by the Malice of some who reproach every 
 Thing, and partly for the Advantage of Christian Youth, 
 the Benefit of whom all ought with their utmost Endeavour 
 to further. 
 
 Tho' Matters stand thus, and are manifestly so to all Per- 
 sons of Understanding, yet there is a stupid Generation of 
 Men, whom the French call Deputati ; and for this Reason, 
 as I suppose, because they are but diminutively polite, who 
 speak thus of my Colloquies, They are a Work to be shunn'd, 
 especially by Monks, whom they term the Religious, and by 
 young Men,because the Fasts and Abstinences of the Church 
 are therein set light by, and the Intercession of the blessed 
 Virgin Mary droll'd upon ; and that Virginity is not com- 
 parable to a Marriage-State, and because all are dissuaded 
 from entring upon Religion, and because in it the hard and 
 difficult Questions of Divinity are propounded to weak Gram- 
 marians, contrary to the Orders sworn to by the Masters 
 of Arts. Candid Reader, you are not unacquainted with the 
 AtJienian Eloquence. I shall first give an Answer to the last 
 of these Objections. As to what the Masters of Art pro- 
 pound to their Pupils, I know not : The Matters treated of 
 in my Colloquies concerning the Creed, the Mass, Fasting,
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 371 
 
 Vows, and Confession, contain nothing of theological Diffi- 
 culty ; but they are of that Kind, that every one ought to be 
 acquainted with. And besides, seeing the Epistles of St/W/ 
 are read to Boys, what Danger is there in giving them a Taste 
 of Theological Disputations? And further, whereas they 
 know, that the intricate Questions of greatest Difficulty (I 
 do not say of vain Subtilty) concerning the divine Persons, 
 are very early propounded to young Students in Sophistry, 
 why are they not willing that Boys should learn that 
 which concerns common Life ? And now if this be their 
 Opinion, it is no Matter what is said in the Person of such 
 or such a one ; then they must suppose, that there are many 
 Things in the Writings of the Evangelists, and of the 
 Apostles, which, according to this Rule, are downright Blas- 
 phemy. In many places I approve of Fasting, and no where 
 condemn it. He that shall assert the contrary, I will de- 
 clare him to be an impudent Liar. But, say they, in the 
 childish Piety there are these Words I have nothing to do 
 with Fasting. Suppose these Words were spoken in the 
 Person of a Soldier, or a Drunkard ; does Erasmus of Ne- 
 cessity condemn Fasting ? I think not. Now they are 
 spoken by a Youth, not yet arriv'd at that Age, from which 
 the Law requires the Observation of Fasts ; and yet that 
 Youth prepares himself for fasting rightly ; for he proceeds 
 thus, But yet if I find occasion, I dine and sup sparingly ', that 
 I may be more lively for spiritual Exercises on Holy -days. 
 
 And how I condemn Abstinency, these Words in the pro- 
 fane Feast declare ; In a great many Circumstances, it is not 
 the Thing, but the Mind, that distinguishes us from Jews ; they 
 held their Hands from certain Meats, as unclean Things, 
 that would pollute the Mind ; but we understanding, that to 
 the Pure all Things are pure, yet take away Food from the 
 wanton Flesh, as we do Hay from a pamper 1 d Horse, that it 
 may be more ready to hearken to the Spirit. We sometimes 
 chastise the immoderate Use of pleasant Things, by the Pain 
 of Abstinence. And a little after he gives a Reason why 
 the Church has forbidden the eating of certain Meats. To 
 the Question, To whom does the Injunction do good? Says
 
 372 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 he, To all ; for poor Folks may eat Cockles or Frogs, or gnaw 
 upon Onions or Leeks. Tlie middle Sort of People will make 
 some Abatement in their usual Provision : And thd tJie Rick 
 do make it an Occasion of tlieir living deliriously, they ought 
 to impute that to tJieir Gluttony, and not blame the Constitu- 
 tion of the Church. And again I speak thus, I know Doctors 
 do very much find fault with the eating of Fish ; but our 
 Ancestors thought otherwise, and it is our Duty to obey them. 
 And presently, in the same place, I teach, But tJie Offence 
 of tJie Weak ought to be avoided. 
 
 It is as false, that the Favour of the blessed Virgin, and 
 other Saints are droll'd upon in my Colloquies ; but I de- 
 ride those who beg those things of the Saints, which they 
 dare not ask of a good Man ; or pray to certain Saints with 
 this Notion, as if this or that Saint either could, or would 
 sooner grant this or that Thing, than another Saint, or Christ 
 himself would do. Yea, and in the Child's Piety, the Lad 
 speaks thus, I salute Jesus again in three Words, and all the 
 Saints, either Men or Women ; but the Virgin Mary by 
 Name, and especially that I account most peculiarly my own. 
 And afterwards he mentions by Name, what Saint he salutes 
 daily. 
 
 And is it any strange Thing, that a Suitor to a young Maid, 
 should commend a married Life, and says, That chaste Wed- 
 lock does not come far short of Virginity ? Especially when 
 St. Austin himself prefers the Polygamy of the Patriarchs 
 before our single Life. 
 
 As to what they object concerning the entring into a reli- 
 gious Life, my Words declare how plainly vain it is, in the 
 Virgin hating- Marriage ; for the Maid speaks thus, Are 
 you then in tJie main against the Institution of a monastick 
 Life ? The young Man answers, No, by no Means ; but as 
 1 will not persuade any Body against it, that is already en- 
 gag" d in this Sort of Life, to endeavour to get out of it ; so I 
 would most undoubtedly caution all young Women, especially 
 those of generous Tempers, not to precipitate themselves un- 
 advisedly into that State, from whence there is no getting out 
 afterwards. This is the Conclusion of that Colloquy, how-
 
 Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies. 373 
 
 ever they had disputed before. Pray, does this dissuade 
 from entring upon a religious Life ? The entring into it is 
 not condemn'd, but the unadvis'd Rashness of it : Therefore 
 they maliciously wrest my Words, in order to reproach me. 
 But, at the same Time, they do not animadvert, how many 
 Things young Students thence learn, that oppugn the Opi- 
 nions of the Lutherans. 
 
 In the childish Piety, the Way of hearing the Mass well 
 and profitably is taught, and the true and effectual Way of 
 Confession is shown. Young Students are there instructed, 
 that those Things that are us'd by Christians, tho' they are 
 not found in the Scriptures, must nevertheless be observ'd, 
 lest we give Occasion of Offence to any Person. 
 
 In the Profane Feast they are instructed, that they ought 
 rather to obey the Institutions of Popes, than the Prescrip- 
 tions of Physicians ; only they are given to understand, that 
 in case of Necessity the Force of a human Law ceases, and 
 the Intention of the Law-Giver. There a certain Person 
 approves of Liberality towards the Colleges of Monks, if 
 Men give for real Use, and not to support Luxury ; and 
 especially if given to those that observe the Discipline of 
 Religion. 
 
 In the Colloquy concerning Eating of Fish, this is said 
 concerning human Institutions; Well Jet them fight that love 
 fighting; I think we ought with Reverence to receive the Laws 
 of our Superiours, and religiously observe them, as coming from 
 God ; nor is it either safe or religious, either to conceive in 
 Mind or sow among others any sinister Suspicion concerning 
 them ; and if there is any Superstition in them, that does not 
 compel us to Impiety, it is better to bear it, than seditiously to 
 resist. 
 
 Young Students may learn many such Things out of my 
 Colloquies, against which these Men make such a Murmur- 
 ing : But, say they, it does not become a Divine to jest ; 
 but let them grant me to do this, at least among Boys, 
 which they themselves take the Liberty to do among Men, 
 in their Vesperiae, as they call them, a foolish Thing by a 
 foolish Name.
 
 374 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 As for those foolish Calumnies that some Spaniards have 
 cast upon me, I have shown that they are mere Dreams of 
 Men, that are neither Sober, nor well understanding the 
 Latin Tongue ; nor has that less of Learning in it, where 
 one has said, that it is an heretical Expression, that in the 
 Creed the Father is call'd simply, the Author of all Things ; 
 for he being deceiv'd by his Ignorance of the Latin Tongue, 
 thinks that Author signifies nothing else but Creator or 
 Framer. But if he shall consult those that are well skill'd 
 in the Latin Tongue, if he shall read Hilary, and other an- 
 tient Authors, he will find that Authority is taken for that 
 which the School-Men call the most perfect Cause of the 
 Beginning ; and therefore they attribute it peculiarly to the 
 Father; and by the Name of Author often mean the Fa- 
 ther, when they compare the Persons among themselves. 
 Whether the Father can rightly be call'd the Cause of the 
 Son, does not concern me, seeing I have never us'd the 
 Word Son ; unless that this is most true, that we can't 
 speak of God, but in improper Words ; nor are the Foun- 
 tain, or Beginning, or Original, more proper Words than 
 the Cause. 
 
 Now, Reader, consider with me what Sort of Persons 
 sometimes they are, who by their Notions bring Men to the 
 Stake. There is nothing more base than to find fault with 
 that thou dost not understand. But that Vice of vilifying 
 every Thing, what does it produce but Bitterness and Dis- 
 cord ? Therefore let us rather candidly interpret other 
 Mens Works, and not esteem our own as Oracles, nor look 
 upon the Judgments of those Men as Oracles, who don't 
 understand what they read. Where there is Hatred in 
 judging, Judgment is blind. May that Spirit, which is the 
 Pacifier of all, who uses his Instruments various ways, make 
 us all agree and consent in sound Doctrine, and holy Man- 
 ners, that we may all come to the Fellowship of the new 
 Jerusalem, that knows no Discords. Amen. 
 
 In the Year 1526. 
 at Basil.
 
 375 
 
 Erafmus of Rotterdam, 
 
 OF THE 
 
 METHOD of STUDY, 
 
 TO 
 
 CHRISTIANUS of LUBECK. 
 
 My special Friend Christian, 
 
 MAKING no doubt but that you have an ardent Desire 
 of Literature, I thought you stood in no Need of Ex- 
 hortation ; but only a Guide to direct you in the Journey 
 you have already enter'd upon : And that I look'd upon as 
 my Duty to be, to you, the most nearly ally'd to me, and 
 engaging ; that is to say, to acquaint you with the Steps 
 that I myself took, even from a Child : Which if you shall 
 accept as heartily as I communicate, I trust I shall neither 
 repent me of giving Directions, nor you of observing them. 
 Let it be your first Care to chuse you a Master, who is a 
 Man of Learning ; for it cannot be, that one that is un- 
 learned himself can render another learned. As soon as 
 you have gotten such an one, endeavour all you can to en- 
 gage him to treat you with the Affection of a Father, and 
 yourself to act towards him with the Affection of a Son. 
 And indeed, Reason ought to induce us to consider, that we 
 owe more to those, from whom we receive the Way of living 
 well, than to those to whom we owe our first Living in the
 
 376 Colloquies of Erasmus. 
 
 World ; and that a mutual Affection is of so great Moment 
 to Learning, that it will be to no Purpose to have a Teacher, 
 if he be not your Friend too. In the next Place, hear him 
 attentively and assiduously. The Genius of Learners is 
 often spoil'd by too much Contention. Assiduity holds out 
 the longer, being moderate, and by daily Augmentations 
 grows to a Heap larger than can be thought. There is 
 nothing more pernicious than to be glutted with any Thing ; 
 and so likewise with Learning. And therefore an immode- 
 rate pressing on to Learning is sometimes to be relax'd ; 
 and Divertisements are to be intermix'd : But then they 
 should be such as are becoming a Gentleman, and Student, 
 and not much different from the Studies themselves. Nay, 
 there ought to be a continual Pleasure in the very midst of 
 Studies, that it may appear to us rather a Pastime than a 
 Labour ; for nothing will be of long Duration, that does not 
 affect the Mind of the Doer with some Sort of Pleasure. It 
 is the utmost Madness to learn that which must be un- 
 learned again. Think that you ought to do the same by 
 your Genius, that Physicians are wont to do in preserving 
 the Stomach. Take Care that you don't oppress your 
 Genius by Food, that is either noxious, or too much of it ; 
 both of them are equally offensive. Let alone Ebrardus, 
 Catholicon, Brachylogus, and the rest of these Sort of Au- 
 thors, all whose Names I neither can mention, nor is it worth 
 while so to do, to others who take a Pleasure to learn Bar- 
 barism with an immense Labour. At the first it is no great 
 Matter how much you Learn ; but how well you learn it. 
 And now take a Direction how you may not only learn 
 well, but easily too ; for the right Method of Art qualifies 
 the Artist to perform his Work not only well and expedi- 
 tiously, but easily too. Divide the Day into Tasks, as we 
 read Pliny the Second, and Pope Pius the Great did, Men 
 worthy to be remember'd by all Men. In the first Part of 
 it, which is the chief Thing of all, hear the Master interpret, 
 not only attentively, but with a Sort of Greediness, not being 
 content to follow him in his Dissertations with a slow Pace, 
 but striving to out-strip him a little. Fix all his Sayings
 
 Of the Method of Study. 377 
 
 in your Memory, and commit the most material of them to 
 Writing, the faithful Keeper of Words. And be sure to take 
 Care not to rely upon them, as that ridiculous rich Man 
 that Seneca speaks of did, who had form'd a Notion, that 
 whatsoever of Literature any of his Servants had, was his 
 own. By no Means have your Study furnish'd with learned 
 Books, and be unlearned yourself. Don't suffer what you 
 hear to slip out of your Memory, but recite it either with 
 yourself, or to other Persons. Nor let this suffice you, but 
 set apart some certain Time for Meditation ; which one 
 Thing as St. Atirelitis writes does most notably conduce to 
 assist both Wit and Memory. An Engagement and com- 
 bating of Wits does in an extraordinary Manner both shew 
 the Strength of Genius's, rouzes them, and augments them. 
 If you are in Doubt of any Thing, don't be asham'd to ask ; 
 or if you have committed an Error, to be corrected. Avoid 
 late and unseasonable Studies, for they murder Wit, and are 
 very prejudicial to Health. The Muses love the Morning, 
 and that is a fit Time for Study. After you have din'd, 
 either divert yourself at some Exercise, or take a Walk, and 
 discourse merrily, and Study between whiles. As for Diet, 
 eat only as much as shall be sufficient to preserve Health, 
 and not as much or more than the Appetite may crave. 
 Before Supper, take a little Walk, and do the same after 
 Supper. A little before you go to sleep read something 
 that is exquisite, and worth remembring ; and contemplate 
 upon it till you fall asleep ; and when you awake in the 
 Morning, call yourself to an Account for it. Always keep 
 this Sentence of Pliny's in your Mind, All that Time is lost 
 that you don't bestow on Study. Think upon this, that there 
 is nothing more fleeting than Youth, which, when once it is 
 past, can never be recall'd. But now I begin to be an 
 Exhorter, when I promis'd to be a Director. My sweet 
 Christian, follow this Method, or a better, if you can ; and 
 so farewell. 
 
 FIN I S .
 
 379 
 
 NOTES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 The earlier pieces appear like copies from a Latin exer- 
 cise-book. Such in fact they were ; and Erasmus says in a 
 letter dated 1 5 36, that they were not written with a view to 
 publication. "Some were youthful exercises for the im- 
 provement of style ; others were dictated as I walked up 
 and down, thinking of nothing less than of publication. 
 Some were written for the benefit of backward pupils. Of 
 this kind were the Colloquies, which one Helenius obtained, 
 I know not how, for I never had a copy by me and sold 
 at a high price to John Froben, pretending there were other 
 printers who wanted to buy them." 
 
 Such Churls ... ... ... ... ... Page 21 
 
 Literally : " such Demeae." An allusion to one of the cha- 
 racters in Terence's Adelphi. 
 
 // is courteous to make use of a Title of Relation or 
 
 Affinity 22 
 
 So Horace, Ep. i. 6, 54 : 
 
 " Frater, Pater, adde ; 
 Ut cuique est aetas, ita quemque facetus adopta." 
 
 Hail Master. In truth I had rattier have than crave ... 24 
 A double play on words. Ave may mean either hail ! or 
 crave / And again, habere (to have) and avere (to crave) 
 are all but identical in pronunciation. 
 
 %at/>e. Remember you are at Basil, and not at Athens 24 
 See story in Cicero, about Albucius talking Greek at Rome. 
 
 De Fin. i. 
 
 Farewell mightily ... ... ... ... ... 26 
 
 Vale pancratice. An expression borrowed from Plautus, 
 Bac. ii. 3, 14. The pancratium was a Greek athletic ex- 
 ercise, combining wrestling and boxing, and therefore re-
 
 380 Notes. 
 
 quiring (as the etymology of the word denotes) the whole 
 strength. " May you be as strong as a pancratiast ! " 
 Similarly, Plautus has Vale athletice, pugilice, basilice. 
 
 Make much of yourself .., ... ... ... ... 26 
 
 Curare cuticulam. Lit, "take care of your hide"; a 
 smooth and glossy skin being a sign that the bodily nou- 
 rishment and comfort is attended to. 
 
 Frobenius ... ... ... ... ... ... 27 
 
 The printer at Basle, one of Erasmus' best friends. Fro- 
 benius named one of his children after the scholar Eras- 
 mius, which is the more correct form of the word. 
 
 As dry as a Kecks ... ... ... ... ... 28 
 
 The common name of the stalk of the Hemlock, the big 
 white-flowering weed so common about ditches, and among 
 rubbish and ruins ; it dies down in autumn and becomes 
 as brown and dry as if baked in an oven. So Tennyson, 
 Princess, iv. : 
 
 " let the past be past ; let be 
 Their cancelPd Babels : tho' the rough kex break 
 The starr'd mosaic." 
 
 From Montacute College ... ... ... ... ... 28 
 
 Or Montague, the heraldic device of the family being mons 
 acutus, a sharp peak. Erasmus studied at this College in 
 Paris. 
 
 Nature a little too severe ... ... ... ... 32 
 
 Lit, "too much of a step-mother" The harshness of step- 
 mothers was a proverb with ancient writers. Quintilian 
 says : " The very nature of things was in that particular no 
 parent, but a step-mother." xii. i, 2. 
 
 Nay, every hour indeed ... ... ... ... ... 32 
 
 Lit, " oftener than Euripus." Euripus was the strait be- 
 tween Euboea and Boeotia, in which, according to the 
 ancient legend, the sea ebbed and flowed seven times a 
 day. The violence and uncertainty of its tides also sug- 
 gested Euripus as a by-word for fickleness and inconstancy. 
 
 Cart-loads and Ship-loads ... ... ... ... 35 
 
 Phrases found in Greek writers, but with reference to abuse.
 
 Notes. 381 
 
 Homer speaks of two disputants possessing a cargo of 
 taunts between them that a hundred ships could not carry. 
 Lucian describes two angry philosophers as scattering 
 whole waggon-loads of blasphemies on one another. 
 
 / might sing and be starved ... ... ... ... 35 
 
 Alluding to Juvenal's line : Cantabit vacuus cor am latrone 
 viator. 
 
 Give you a Gospel for it ... ... ... ... ... 35 
 
 A play on the Greek word euayye'Atov (evangelium). In 
 Homer (Od. xiv. 152, 166) an Evangel was & present made 
 to the messenger of good tidings. From this meaning 
 there was a transition to that of thank-offerings for good 
 news. In later Greek the term was used for good news 
 themselves, and such, of course, is its New Testament ac- 
 ceptation, rendered by the Anglo-Saxon gode-spell. 
 
 The Eagle's Stone ... ... ... ... ... 36 
 
 Certain stones described by Pliny (x. 3.) as found in 
 eagle's nests : nodules of quartz containing a cavity lined 
 with crystals. See also ^Elian, N. A. i. 35. 
 
 As the Devil would have it ... ... ... ... 37 
 
 Lit., " so it pleased my evil genius." Our still current 
 words genius, and geniality, are the relics in language of a 
 deep-rooted ancient belief. The Greeks spoke of their 
 dcemon or tutelar divinity ; and everybody will recall the 
 daemon of Socrates. Similarly, each Roman honoured on 
 his marriage and birthday his genius, and in hours of feast- 
 ing and mirth was said to indulge his genius, &c. The 
 notion of an evil genius was probably imported from the 
 dualistic Manichean theories of the East, or arose from 
 the identification in early Christian times of the daemons 
 of the Greeks with evil spirits, devils. 
 
 A Frenchman. A Capon ... ... ... ... 37 
 
 A play on the Latin Gallus, which signifies not only a Gaul 
 or Frenchman, but also a Cock. 
 
 What is in the mind of the French ? etc ... ... 38 
 
 Lit, "What has come to the Cocks that they should go to 
 war with the Eagle ?" The eagle being the Imperial ensign.
 
 382 Notes. 
 
 The Beetle that won 't give place to the Eagle ... ... 38 
 
 The allusion is to a Greek proverb, satirizing the efforts of 
 a feeble antagonist against a powerful one. One form of 
 it is : "The beetle acts the mid-wife to the eagle." See 
 Aristophanes, Lys. 695. 
 
 I sleep not for every Body ... ... ... ... 40 
 
 Plutarch tells the following story in connexion with this 
 saying : One Galba, entertaining Maecenas as his guest, 
 perceived the latter to be carrying on a flirtation with his 
 wife, and pretended to fall asleep. Presently a servant 
 came to' the table and was about to remove the wine 
 stealthily, when Galba opened his eyes and exclaimed : 
 " Rascal, did you not know that I was asleep only for 
 Maecenas ?" Cicero has another story, Fam. vii. 24. 
 
 Like a lame Cobler, &c. ... ... ... ... ... 40 
 
 The saying seems to be borrowed from Plautus, Aul.i. i, 14. 
 
 Hugo and Nugo 40 
 
 Nugo means a trifler, or buffoon. 
 
 Studying hard, but not to study myself to Death ... 41 
 Another pun. Immorari is to linger over something ; im- 
 mori to die upon something ; " Immoritur studiis," " He 
 works himself to death," Hor. Ep. i. 7, 85. 
 
 Kidnappers ... ... ... ... ... ... 42 
 
 Lit., " plagiaries." This was the Roman term for men- 
 stealers, who carried off other men's slaves, or even free- 
 men, and sold them. The application of the term to a 
 literary thief appears to have originated with Martial, 
 i. 63. 9. Kid, contracted from kind, Ger. for child ; knap- 
 pen, Ger. for nab. 
 
 Fight against the Monks ... ... ... ... 42 
 
 povaxofjiaxtiv- The Greek monachos means, in the first 
 instance, a single, solitary man ; hence the term was 
 applied to one who had taken the religious vows. Hence, 
 too, the above word, meaning fight with the monks, may 
 convey the meaning to engage in single combat. 
 is, however, the correct term for the latter.
 
 Notes. 383 
 
 Better to be idle than doing of nothing 43 
 
 Pliny gives this as a saying of Atilius, Epist. lib. i. 
 
 Talk of the Devil and Jie'll appear ... ... ... 44 
 
 In the original, " You appear, like the Wolf in the fable," 
 which is the form of the proverb in Latin writers. As the 
 largest and most savage beast known in S. Europe, the 
 wolf had those sinister associations which in modern times 
 have gathered around " the Devil." 
 
 My ear tingled ... ... ... ... ... ... 44 
 
 A very old notion : Pliny mentions it, 28, 2. Sir T. Browne 
 connects it with that of the guardian angel, who touched 
 the right or left ear according as the talk was favourable 
 or the reverse. 
 
 Pray, is it not enough tJiat I like her ? ... ... ... 44 
 
 Lit., " Is it not enough, that the queen is fair to her king?" 
 One of the many saws on the blindness of self-love to the 
 faults of those who are closely connected with self. Suum 
 cuique pulcrum. The ass is beautiful to the ass, and the 
 sow to the sow. " Balbinus is pleased with Agna's poly- 
 pus," Horace, Ser. i. 3, 40. 
 
 TJte Muses love Intermission ... ... ... ... 45 
 
 Lit., "love alternate strains." Quotation from Virgil, Eel. 
 hi. 59. 
 
 The seldomer Pleasures are made use of, the pleasanter 
 they are ... ... ... ... ... ... 45 
 
 Voluptates commendat rarior usus. Hor. 
 
 Take you no Care about the Matter ... ... ... 47 
 
 Lit, " Do you sleep on both ears." Ter. Heaut. ii. 3, 101. 
 There was a notion that in the first sleep one should lie on 
 the right ear, and after waking should go to sleep again on 
 the left. 
 
 Lucky to Admiration ... ... ... ... ... 48 
 
 Lit., " the owl has flitted." At Athens, the owl was the 
 emblem of the guardian-goddess Athene ; and hence its 
 flight was regarded as a sign of victory. 
 
 I shall never be able to get out of your Debt ... ... 49 
 
 Lit., " I can never expunge my name out of your diary."
 
 384 Notes. 
 
 Poorer than Job ... ... ... .., ... ... 52 
 
 " Barer than a serpent's slough " in the original. A Greek 
 proverb. The Latins have " Poorer than Irus," " Poorer 
 than Codrus." 
 
 You have not lost all your Cost and Labour, as the 
 
 Saying is 53 
 
 " Your oil and trouble " in the original. An adage bor- 
 rowed from the palaestra, or wrestling school, where the 
 wrestlers prepared for exercise by anointing themselves. 
 See Plaut. Poen. i. 2. 119. Cic. Att. ii. 17. 
 
 Pallas and M or ia... ... ... ... ... ... 53 
 
 Pallas : an allusion to Homer, who frequently introduces 
 Pallas as an inspiring divinity. Moria : Folly. 
 
 Bulls 54 
 
 " Diplomas " in original. The natural history of these 
 words is interesting. Diploma means, in Greek, first, 
 something doubled ; then a paper folded double ; hence, a 
 letter of recommendation ; then a document drawn up by 
 the emperor or magistrates, granting a privilege ; a license. 
 Bull is from the Latin bulla, a bubble ; used to designate 
 the boss (of gold or leather) worn on the neck of Roman 
 youths. A papal bull came to be so called from the form 
 of the pope's seal affixed to the document. 
 
 Stress of his Salvation ... ... ... ... ... 55 
 
 Lit, " Prow and Poop of his salvation." A Greek proverb 
 for the beginning and end, sum and substance of a matter. 
 Analogous is " I am the Alpha and the Omega." 
 
 / had no Success ... ... ... ... ... ... 5 8 
 
 A very tame paraphrase of "Delia parum favit." " Delia 
 showed me scant favour." For Delia is a surname of 
 Artemis (Diana), the divine huntress. 
 
 A ravenous (lit., gaping) Wolf 58 
 
 A current expression in the comic poets for hungry avar- 
 iciousness, suggested by the idea of an open-mouthed, 
 panting wolf, disappointed of his prey. There is an allu- 
 sion to the meaning of the word Pamphagus, all-devouring.
 
 Notes. 385 
 
 Asse Btidai ... ... ... ... ... ... 60 
 
 A noted work of William Buda, or Budaeus, 1467-1540. 
 He was at one time a friend and correspondent of Eras- 
 mus, and was employed by Francis I. to invite him to 
 Paris. They were generally regarded as rivals in scholar- 
 ship. 
 I know your waggish Tricks, etc. ... ... ... 60 
 
 Lit., " I know your nose. My nose is nothing compared 
 with yours." The nose was a symbol of sagacity and of 
 satirical wit in the Roman satirists. 
 
 So may your Cap stand always upon your Head ... 60 
 The play on the " head " is missed. It should be : " So 
 may your cap stand always on its head," i.e., upside down. 
 
 A Mercury. A Vulcan ... ... ... ... ... 62 
 
 Alluding to the Homeric representations of Vulcan as 
 limping, and of Mercury as the winged messenger of Jove. 
 
 TJie Prophet who calls Sin Lead ... ... ... 62 
 
 See Jer. vi. 29 ; Ezek. xxii. 18. 
 
 She'll read me a Jimiper Lecture ... ... ... 64 
 
 The original is far more witty : " No sweet encomium will 
 she warble to me, coming home all stripped as I do." The 
 encomium (from KW/XOS, comus) was originally the festive 
 song of the Bacchic revel. It afterwards obtained the 
 transitional meaning of a triumphal ode in honour of a 
 conqueror; the word is frequently so used by Pindar. 
 Analogous is panegyric, originally denoting a set speech in 
 laudation of victors, pronounced at a iravr/yupis, (pane- 
 gyris), or national festive assembly of the Greeks. 
 
 Christopher a sure Card ... ... ... ... ... 65 
 
 Lit, "That charcoal Christopher was by no means ^fig- 
 wood help, as they say." The worthless quality of the 
 wood (Hor., inutile lignum) gave rise among the Greeks 
 to the expressions fig-men (like our men of straw), fig- 
 sophists, good-for-nothing fellows. Hence, " Not worth a 
 fig ;" "a fig for your opinions," etc 
 
 Like to like ... ... ... ... ... ... 66 
 
 Lit, " For fear of like lips not having like lettuces." One 
 VOL. II. B B
 
 386 Notes. 
 
 of the numerous adages on likeness and congruency. As 
 the ass feeds on thistles, so soft lips like soft food. 
 
 You'll sleep for ever ... ... ... ... ... 67 
 
 Rather tame for, " It seems to me you could vie with the 
 very dormice." 
 
 This Drone ... ... ... ... ... ... 67 
 
 " This Cuckoo " in the original. A classic term of re- 
 proach for what sailors call a " lazy lubber." Pliny's 
 explanation of it is that it was a mark of sloth if the vine- 
 dresser delayed the work of pruning until the cuckoo's 
 note was heard, i.e., till after the spring equinox. Hence, 
 by association of ideas, the passer-by would " slang " him 
 as a Cuculus ! Plin. xviii. 26. Compare Hor. Sat. i. 7, 31. 
 Pliny's is a far-fetched explanation. The habit of the bird 
 in laying in another bird's nest seems to be an adequate 
 explanation of the use of the name as a synonym for 
 sloth and (as elsewhere) for rascality. 
 
 Shoes and GallosJwes ... ... ... ... ... 67 
 
 The galloshoes (from which galoshes) represent the Latin 
 crepidae, slippers. The notion of brushing stockings inside 
 and out appears odd ; it was however, formerly the prac- 
 tice ; but the word is caligae, the strong sandals worn by 
 the Roman common soldier, and bound by thongs about 
 the feet and ankles. Here the word probably means gaiters. 
 The Roman words are retained, but the Middle Age cos- 
 tume was a modification of the Roman. 
 
 / cannot do two Things at once ... ... ... ... 68 
 
 Lit, " I cannot drink and whistle at the same time." From 
 Plautus, Most iii. 2, 4. 
 
 Camblet Doublet ... ... ... ... ... ... 70 
 
 Camblet from camel. Originally, the coats were made of 
 camel's hair ; then of camel's and goat's hair intertwined ; 
 hence there was a wavy appearance, which is alluded to in 
 the word in the Latin text 
 
 A good bold Face ... ... ... ... ... ... 76 
 
 The rendering of perfricta frons. a current Latin phrase of 
 beautiful suggestiveness. "A scrubbed forehead," from 
 which shame has therefore been obliterated.
 
 Notes. 387 
 
 Let Nets alone ... ... ... ... ... ... 77 
 
 A play in the original on Reticulum, a. Net, the name for 
 Tennis. 
 
 A Fill-up 77 
 
 A fillip with the thumb and finger. Something might be 
 said by a moralizer, on the brutality of many boyish char- 
 acters, as illustrated in the proposal to make the reward of 
 the winner to consist in the privilege to inflict pain on the 
 loser. 
 
 /'// hit it if it comes near me ... ... ... ... 78 
 
 Much more lively is the original : " Not a fly shall wing 
 by me scatheless." 
 
 A Rowland for an Oliver 78 
 
 This famous saying is founded on a legend of two of 
 Charlemagne's knights, who were so equally matched that 
 neither could gain an advantage over the other in trials of 
 strength and bravery. 
 
 You reckon your Chickens before tJtey are hatctid ... 79 
 " You sing the triumph (the encomial song, as explained 
 above) before the victory." A Greek proverb. Another, 
 of the more vulgar order, on the same subject, is : " The 
 hasty bitch brings forth blind pups." 
 
 You Iiave met with your Match ... ... ... ... 80 
 
 Lit., " You provoke the horse into the plain." A Greek 
 proverb for the challenging to a contest of a stronger com- 
 petitor. With a slight difference, Plato says that provoking 
 Socrates to disputation is like challenging horsemen into 
 the plain. Theaet 183 D. Adolphus replies, "And you 
 shall feel that I am no donkey." 
 
 Now, Cock, crow ... ... ... ... ... ... 8 1 
 
 Another stock-pun on Gallus, which means both French- 
 man and Cock. Both Cock and Cuckoo are imitative 
 (onomato-poetic) words, from the throat-sounds emitted by 
 those birds. The Greek has a verb KOKKV& (Latin, coccys- 
 are) which applies to the note of both. 
 
 Er. Do you go first, etc, ... ... ... ... ... 82 
 
 The elegance of the original is missed : " Do you be 
 Prior if you will ; I had rather be Abbot."
 
 388 Notes. 
 
 A Victory, when Odds is taken ... ... ... ... 82 
 
 Lit, " a precarious victory." A word of interesting asso- 
 ciation. A precarious success was one dependent on 
 prayer to the gods ; hence doubtful, uncertain. What an 
 unconscious irony on popular religion ! 
 
 T lie more learned knave ... ... ... ... ... 83 
 
 An allusion to an anecdote in Diogenes Laertius : a philo- 
 sopher, seeing one performing a lascivious dance, said, 
 " The better you do it, the worse you will do." The better 
 artist, the worse man. 
 
 Fulness of Belly ... ... ... ... ... ... 83 
 
 " The Belly's ballast makes the body heavy " (original) 
 would be more vigorous. 
 
 That the Ghosts play ... ... ... ... ... 84 
 
 The allusion is to the Empusa ("E/wrovo-a) or one-footed 
 she-hobgoblin, introduced in several places of Aristophanes. 
 
 Whirly-bats 84 
 
 The caestus, or boxing-glove of the Romans, consisting of 
 thongs with metal bullets, wound around hand and arm. 
 The fearful pugilistic combat of Dares and Entellus (Virg. 
 Aen. v.) is referred to. 
 
 The Child's Piety 86 
 
 This Colloquy hardly requires comment. It is interesting 
 as giving a significant glimpse of Erasmus's religious views 
 and what it is the fashion to call his " attitude " towards 
 the ceremonialism of the Romish Church. See his letter 
 to the Louvain divines. The reference to Dean Colet, the 
 founder of St. Paul's School, for the use of which Erasmus 
 composed his " Praise of the Child Jesus," is also signi- 
 ficant. Colet appears to have been a spiritual father to 
 the great scholar. 
 
 Every one to his Mind ... ... ... ... ... 100 
 
 Trahit sua quemque wluptas (original). From Virgil, Eel. 
 ii. 65. 
 
 With a Bow ... ... ... ... ... ... 101 
 
 Cic. de Divinat, ii.
 
 Notes. 389 
 
 F II be conformable ... ... ... ... ... 101 
 
 Lit., "a man of all hours" (Quintilian and Suetonius), 
 one that is of pliant disposition, ready for any company 
 and for all moods, " from grave to gay, from lively to 
 severe." 
 
 What makes a Hare run before the Dogs ? ... ... 102 
 
 This is a mistake, the translator having read canibus instead 
 of carnibus. It should be : " Why does the hare run for 
 its flesh ?" a Greek phrase, suggesting that the answer to 
 the first question is obvious. 
 
 Busby 103 
 
 A somewhat daring anachronism to introduce the famous 
 doctor who did not " flourish " till some two centuries 
 later than the publication of the Colloquies. Dr. Busby 
 was born at Lutton, in Lincolnshire, and was Head-master 
 of Westminster from 1640 to 1695. Perhaps his flogging 
 notoriety has something mythical about it, and arose from 
 the fact that he was " at it " for so long a period. The 
 name in the original is Orbilius, another hero of the 
 birch-rod, whom Horace has immortalised. N. Udall, 
 translator of Erasmus's Apophthegms, had the like legend- 
 ary renown as a flogger. 
 
 A Callus, but not Cybele 1 s ... ... ... ... 107 
 
 Another play on Gallus which denotes, in addition to the 
 other meanings above noticed, a priest of Cybele (Rhea), 
 the great Asiatic goddess worshipped under that name, 
 especially in Phrygia and Galatia. See Lucian, De Dea 
 Syra. There are two small rivers in that region called 
 Gallus, and from one of them it is commonly stated the 
 designation of these priests was derived ; but this seems 
 unsatisfactory. The point of the joke in the text lies in 
 the fact the priests of Cybele (Galli) were eunuchs. 
 
 Scotus and tJie Schoolmen ... ... ... ... 1 09 
 
 Lit, " and his fellows of this meal (or flour)," i.e., of the 
 same quality. The colloquialism " of the same baking 
 (or batch) " is sometimes heard amongst us ; as also " of 
 the same kidney ; " the latter word being doubtless a cor- 
 ruption of Kuynde, kind or species.
 
 3QO Notes. 
 
 To set a Day for my Friends ... ... ... ... 112 
 
 For dicere diem was a phrase conveying the unpleasant 
 meaning to Roman ears of appointing the day on which a 
 legal summons was to be answered in Court. 
 
 Sybaritical Appointment ... ... ... ... ...112 
 
 Sybaris, the Greek town in Southern Italy, was an absolute 
 by-word among both Greeks and Romans for luxury and 
 debauchery. It will be some time before Sybarite dies out 
 of modern use. The tendency to associate particular 
 vices or virtues with places is a curious antiquarian fact, 
 but the connexion appears to be rather accidental than 
 real. Of how many towns in England has it not been 
 recorded in old sayings that the people are proud, or silly, 
 or stingy, etc. ? Many will recall the old Latin distich 
 which gives pretty girls to Bruges, learned men to Ghent, 
 fools to Mechlin, etc. 
 
 Umbra ... ... ... ... ... ... ...113 
 
 The play is on the three meanings of this word : (i) gen- 
 erally, a shadow ; (2) the shade or ghost of a departed 
 person ; (3) like the Greek O-K, an uninvited guest, whom 
 one invited brings with him. Hor. Sat. ii. 8, 22 ; Pers. 
 ii. 4, 27. 
 
 My left Hand 115 
 
 We still speak significantly of what is sinister, or left- 
 lianded. The notion appears to have originated in the 
 awkwardness of the left hand ; and awkwardness associates 
 itself with unluckiness and with moral badness. The country 
 people still speak of an " awkward " or " unlucky " fellow 
 in a morally bad sense. But it is curious that with the 
 Romans sinister also conveyed the directly opposite mean- 
 ing ; for in augury the face was turned to the South, and 
 good omens came from the East or left hand. 
 
 Scholars Commons ... ... ... ... ...119 
 
 Lit, " Pythagorean," consisting of vegetables and fruits. 
 
 A Grasshopper to live upon Dew ... ... ... 122 
 
 A fact of natural history, according to Pliny! lib. ii, 
 cap. 26.
 
 Notes. 39 1 
 
 TJie sumptuary Laws. The Fannian Law ... ... 122 
 
 Various laws of the Roman Republic passed to restrain 
 private luxury and extravagance. The Fannian was passed 
 B.C. 6 1, and limited specifically the expenses of various 
 feasts. 
 
 Asots 123 
 
 Not a proper name, but that of a class. An ao-wros in 
 Greek means literally one without soundness or salvation, 
 an accursed one, a profligate. Our word sot has no ety- 
 mological connexion with this ; I suppose it is to be traced 
 to seethe, sodden. 
 
 Bern Wine ... ... ... ... ... ... 125 
 
 A translator's mistake. Beaune wine is meant : still an 
 esteemed vintage. 
 
 Nymphs 127 
 
 Poetical for water, as they were divinities of sea, rivers, 
 and fountains. 
 
 He is too old to learn ... ... ... ... ... 127 
 
 Lit., " 'Tis hard to use an old dog to the lash." 
 
 Like Master like Man ... ... ... ... ... 127 
 
 In the original the adage runs : " The cover is worthy of 
 the dish." Jerome (ad Cromatium) quotes it with appli- 
 cation to a bishop who complies with the evil manners of 
 the people. 
 
 The Satyrist ... ... ... ... ... ... 128 
 
 Satyrist is a mis-spelling. Satire has nothing to do with 
 Satyrs ; it is from Satura, an olio, or hotch-potch. 
 
 The Catian School ... ... ... ... ... 128 
 
 Catius is the " learned " gastronome of Horace's satire on 
 the devotees of the tab.le, ii. 4, 88. 
 
 W/tcn I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I 
 betake myself to Philosophy, etc. ... ... ... 1 29 
 
 This recalls the noted distich : 
 
 "The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be, 
 The devil was well, the devil a monk was he." 
 
 The Comedian ... ... ... ... ... ... 130 
 
 Terence.
 
 392 Notes. 
 
 TJiat expression of the Satyrist, etc ... ... ...131 
 
 The line is from Juvenal, vii. 1 1 1 : " then his hollow wind- 
 bags breathe forth unmeasured lies." 
 
 The most elegant Poet ... ... ... ... ... 132 
 
 Virgil, Georg. i. 145. 
 
 Pliny tells us, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 132 
 
 This seems to be an imperfect recollection of Pliny, Lib. 
 ii. cap. 37. 
 
 White Hares feed on Snow ... ... ... ... 133 
 
 Ib., Lib. viii. cap. 55. 
 
 A us fin, pray take Care of tJtat Lady, etc ... ...133 
 
 Lit, "that Nymph." He means that Austin is to mix 
 more wine with his water. 
 
 Dryer than Furius's MotJter-in-Law, upon whom, etc ... 133 
 See Catull. Carm. 23. Not quite correctly rendered. The 
 jests are broken upon Furius himself as one of an inter- 
 esting family, who are described as being hard as wood or 
 flint, drier than horn, than heat, or cold, or hunger, etc. 
 Readers may consult Mr. Robinson Ellis's masterly edition 
 of Catullus. 
 
 Callus 134 
 
 This seems to be the punster's hobby-horse, and is ridden to 
 death. The three meanings here are : (i) Gallus Cybeles, 
 (2) Gallus Gallinaceus, a poultry-cock ; (2) Gallus Galla- 
 ceus, the latter being a word invented for the occasion, 
 from Galla, a Frenchwoman, like Gallinaceus, from gallina, 
 a hen. Austin says presently, " I have had to do with 
 French women." 
 
 Goose's Liver ... ... ... ... ... ... 134 
 
 See Pliny, lib. x. cap. 22, an amusing passage. The deli- 
 cacy is still appreciated in the form of " Strasburg pies." 
 
 Bulimia ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 136 
 
 BovXi/u.i'a, a rare Greek word for intense hunger ; literally, 
 " ox-hunger." The allusion is probably to the impious act 
 of Ulysses' companions (Od. xii.), who, pressed by hunger, 
 slew the oxen of the sun, when the meat shrieked and 
 groaned upon the spit, etc.
 
 Notes. 393 
 
 Sorbon, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 138 
 
 Sorbere means to swallow. Hence ; " Why may not that 
 be called Sorbon where we sorb (absorb) plentifully?" 
 Again, sorbum (sorb) is a sour berry. Hence the force of 
 Austin's capping pun. 
 
 You don't leave a Shoulder of Mutton for a Sheep's 
 Head 140 
 
 Lit., " the horse for the asses," a Greek saying. 
 
 Wlieaten Plumbs ... ... ... ... ... ... 141 
 
 Cerea. The meaning is waxen, referring either to the 
 colour or softness of the fruit. Virg. E. ii. 53. These 
 plums are termed wheaten in some parts of England from 
 their colour. 
 
 Damascens ... ... ... ... ... ... 141 
 
 Whence damsons. The fruits of the fertile plain of 
 Damascus, the " Eye of the East," have always been cele- 
 brated. 
 
 Either drink or go your way ... ... ... ... 141 
 
 i) 7Ti0i rj amOi. Bibe aut abi. 
 
 7 Iwve spent much Study ... ... ... ... 142 
 
 Lit., " much lucubration" or work by lamp-light ; night- 
 work. 
 
 Ten Shillings ... ... ... ... ... ... 144 
 
 The word is scutalum, a coin bearing the stamp of a shield; 
 Ital., scudo ; Fr.,tcu. 
 
 147 
 
 Comment will hardly be expected on these somewhat 
 " dry," after-dinner exercitations. They have a certain 
 interest, as indicating that grammatical study was at the 
 time in its infancy in Europe, and might be even diverting 
 from its novelty. But in the words of the text, " we must 
 have regard to the Company, who are not all equally 
 diverted with these matters." 
 
 A turn in our Garden, in a poetical Manner ... ... 148 
 
 The allusion is to Horace, Ep. i. 4, to Tibullus : " An 
 taciturn silvas inter reptare salubres : Sauntering silently 
 amidst the healthful woods."
 
 394 Notes. 
 
 Sokzcisms ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 150 
 
 The derivation of this curious word is said to be from 
 Soli or Soloe, a city in Cilicia ; according to others from 
 Soli, in Cyprus, where a corrupt dialect of Greek was 
 spoken. 
 
 Jupiter hybernas, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 154 
 
 The line is ascribed to one Furius Bibaculus, whom 
 Horace ridicules for his absurd images : " Jupiter spat 
 white snow on the wintry Alps." 
 
 Cicero .... vy'd with Roscius, etc. ... ... ... 155 
 
 See Macrobius, lib. ii. Satur. cap. 13. 
 
 157 
 
 It will be noticed that the personal names in this Colloquy 
 have all some religious or moral signification : Eusebius, 
 pious ; Timothy, one who honours God ; Chrysoglottus, 
 golden-tongued ; Theophilus, lover of God ; Uranius, 
 heavenly-minded ; Sophronius, temperate ; Eulalius, well- 
 spoken ; Theodidactus, taught of God ; Nephalius, sober. 
 
 Wedges, one drives out anotJier ... ... ... ...157 
 
 A Greek proverb, generally used in a bad sense. Dr. 
 Chalmers gave a good turn to the thought in his noble 
 discourse on the " expulsive power of a new affection." 
 
 Socrates preferred a Town L ife, etc. ... ... ... 157 
 
 " Sir, let us walk down Fleet Street." Dr. Johnson. 
 
 Nature talkative enough ... ... ... ... ...158 
 
 " Think you of all this mighty sum 
 Of things for ever speaking, 
 That nothing of itself will come, 
 But we must still be seeking ? " 
 
 Wordsworth. 
 Fortunate Islands ... ... ... ... ... 158 
 
 See Lucian : " Veracious History," xxvi. 
 
 TJie best of Company ... .. ... ... ... 159 
 
 Lit, " Your shades," as explained above, p. 390. 
 
 Jewish Ceremonies and Delusions of the World ... 161 
 
 Lit, " Jewish Shadows and Illusions (pr&stigiis) of the 
 world." The connexion of the modern sense of prestige
 
 Notes. 395 
 
 with illusion, such as is produced by sleight-of-hand is 
 curious and instructive. 
 
 / do not fly to all... ... ... ... ... ... 164 
 
 An allusion to the Athenian belief in the good omen of 
 the flight of the owl, sacred to Athene. See above, p. 383. 
 
 Estridge ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 166 
 
 Ostrich. 
 
 TJie King himself has not such a Seat ... ... ... 1 67 
 
 Lit., " You surpass even Alcinous himself," alluding to the 
 famous gardens of that king in the Odyssey. 
 
 A dish of Beets, without either Pepper, etc. ... ... 1 70 
 
 Alluding to Martial's epigram on the insipidity of the root, 
 (xiii. 13.) 
 
 Ut sapiant fatuae fabrorum prandia betae, 
 O quam saepe petet vina piperque cocus ! 
 
 A Tarpaulin ... ... ... ... ... ... 170 
 
 A Sailor. 
 
 A Similitude tJiat explains it ... ... ... ...171 
 
 Prov. xix. 12 : " The king's wrath is as the roaring of a 
 lion." 
 
 Ovation. Supplication. Triumph ... ... ... 173 
 
 An Ovation was among the Romans a lesser Triumph. In 
 the latter the victor entered the city in a chariot, his brows 
 bound with laurel ; in the former he appeared on horse- 
 back or on foot, the wreath was of myrtle, and other 
 accompaniments of the procession were diverse. A Sup- 
 plication was a solemn thanksgiving to the gods, decreed 
 by the senate after a great victory ; generally preluding a 
 triumph. The etymology of ovation is unknown. Pott 
 connects with cua, evaa>. It has nothing to do with ovum, 
 an egg ; but there is a pun in the text with allusion to the 
 eggs just mentioned. 
 
 How can a Shadow pretend to give Light, etc. ... ... 173 
 
 The joke is founded on the fact of Eulalius being an 
 Umbra, a shadow or uninvited guest, as above explained, 
 p. 390.
 
 396 Notes. 
 
 Hit tJie Nail on tJte Head 174 
 
 Lit, " You have touched the matter not with a needle, as 
 they say, but with your tongue." Rem acu tetigisti, Plautus, 
 Rud, v. 2, 19 : for one who exactly touches the very point 
 in question. 
 
 And so conclude ... ... ... ... ... ... 174 
 
 Lit, " Then the catastrophe of the play." 
 
 A noble Dinner, fit for a Prince. .. ... ... ...177 
 
 "An Epicurean, not to say Sybaritic repast" in original. 
 
 In Wine tJiere's Truth ... ... ... ... ... 178 
 
 A well-hammered proverb. Herodotus : " As the wine 
 sinks down, words swim atop." Plutarch : "What's in the 
 heart of the sober is on the tongue of the drunkard." 
 Athenaeus has it simply : " Wine and Truth." Theognis : 
 " As gold and silver are tried by fire, so wine reveals the 
 mind of a man." Euripides : " The mirror of the form 
 is of bronze, but that of the mind is wine." Some modern 
 forms are : " Wine is a turn-coat ; first a friend, then an 
 enemy." " Wine neither keeps secrets nor fulfils pro- 
 mises." " Wine washeth off the daub." " Wine wears 
 no breeches." 
 
 TJie Song of tJie dying Swan 182 
 
 This legend, like others relating to birds, appears to be a 
 most ancient one, derived, like that of the phoenix and 
 other birds, from Persia and India. One form of the 
 story of the phoenix was, that every 500 years he visited 
 Heliopolis in Egypt, and buried his father in the sanc- 
 tuary of the sun (Herod, ii. 73) ; another, that on arriving 
 at old age (500 or 1461 years) he burnt himself in his 
 nest, singing the while to himself a parting song. Accord- 
 ing to another account, it was the swan who sung the 
 farewell to the phcenix. Perhaps this is but a variation of 
 one idea ; the migration and immortality of souls being 
 suggested. See Creuzer, Symbolik, ii. 167. Among the 
 Greek poets, swan was used as a synonym for poet. And 
 Horace calls Pindar the " Dircsean swan." I suppose the 
 swan in Wagner's Lohengrin is an introduction of the old 
 notion from the mythology of the North.
 
 Notes. 397 
 
 TJte whole Sum of Religion ... ... ... ... 1 86 
 
 Lit., "The prow and poop;" see above, p. 384. A sailor, 
 on reading a religious tract given him by a friend, said it 
 was "all right from stem to stern." 
 
 Kickshaws 188 
 
 Probably from the French quelques chases. 
 
 Not tlie Affluence, hit the Straitness of my Fortune ... 188 
 " The horn not of my plenty (copia) but of my poverty 
 (inopia)." The myth connected with the horn of Plenty 
 or horn of Amalthea is told in varient forms. One of 
 them is that when the goat which suckled Zeus in Crete 
 broke one of her horns, Amalthea filled it with fresh herbs, 
 and gave it to Zeus, who placed it among the stars. 
 Another is that Zeus himself broke off the horn and gave 
 it to one of the daughters of King Melisseus, endowing it 
 with the power of becoming filled with whatever the pos- 
 sessor might wish. 
 
 Prince Peter ... ... ... ... ... ...189 
 
 A literal rendering of Princeps, first or chief of the apostles. 
 The present passage is suggestive of several reflections, 
 e. g. : How much or how little of religious feeling inspired 
 the glorious architectural works of the Middle Ages ? 
 Granted that they proceeded, as Eulalius says, from ambi- 
 tion rather than from charity, we, possessing so rich a heri- 
 tage of beauty cannot well join in his grumble. How far 
 is the reproach of neglect of the poor in those ages histo- 
 rically justifiable ? Perhaps the opinion may be hazarded 
 that Erasmus himself was defective in aesthetic feeling. 
 Here are some texts on which Mr. Ruskin might preach 
 eloquently. 
 
 We call him Lord, because he hath redeemed us by his 
 
 holy blood from the Tyranny of the Devil ... ... 196 
 
 The prevalent theory of the Atonement among the Fathers 
 was that the life of Christ was a ransom-price paid to the 
 Devil as a means of man's release from spiritual bondage. 
 
 Presents ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 196 
 
 It was an ancient custom among Greeks and Romans to
 
 398 Notes. 
 
 distribute apophoreta (lit., things carried away) or presents 
 among the guests at the close of an entertainment. Thus 
 Martial elegantly styles his i4th book of Epigrams Apo- 
 phoreta. 
 
 Heliogabalus ... ... ... ... ... ... 196 
 
 One of the many practical jokes recorded of thjs moral 
 monstrosity. Another was, to invite a number of poor 
 guests to a banquet, seat them on wind-bags, which sud- 
 denly let them down and left them a prey to wild beasts. 
 
 We'll drink tJteir HealtJis ... ... ... ...201 
 
 " We'll celebrate the epinida " : songs or sacrifices after a 
 victory. 
 
 Apotheosis of Capnio ... ... ... ... ... 202 
 
 The title reads literally : " Concerning the incomparable 
 hero John Reuchlin, numbered amongst the divinities." 
 Apotheosis is a late Greek word for deification. Augustus 
 and his successors in the Roman purple had the title divus 
 applied to them after death. The ecclasiastical practice 
 of canonization was borrowed, like many others, from 
 Roman paganism. Capnio (Gr. KCITH/OS smoke) is a pun- 
 ning reproduction of Reuchlin's name ; the German ranch, 
 smoke, being similar in sound to the first part of it. 
 He is said to have been induced at Rome, according to 
 prevalent custom, to take up the Greek appellation, as 
 Erasmus substituted the name by which he is known for 
 the Dutch Gerard. Reuchlin was one of the stars in the 
 dawn of the new learning : Hebrew scholarship was his 
 great mark of distinction. His dates are 1455-1522. 
 
 Spatter-Dashes ... ... ... ... ... ... 202 
 
 The word in original is petasatus, " with your travelling 
 cap on ? " 
 
 True as tJte Gospel ... ... ... ... ... 204 
 
 " A SibylPs leaf " in original: alluding to the prophecies 
 of the famous Cumaean Sibyll, written on leaves. " Credite 
 me vobis folium recitare Sibyllae?" Juv. 
 
 Damask ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 205 
 
 Derived, of course, from Damascus.
 
 Notes. 399 
 
 Gorbellies ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 205 
 
 With prominent bellies. 
 
 Harpyes ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 205 
 
 In Homer this was simply a description of stormy winds, 
 " snatchers." A personifying myth gradually grew up 
 around the idea in later Greek poets ; and was set forth 
 in most striking imagery by Virgil, Aen. iii. 210. The fan- 
 tastic gargoyles on old churches, etc., point back to similar 
 notions. There were eight Harpies in all, according to 
 some accounts. 
 
 T/tese Devils ... ... ... ... ... ... 205 
 
 Original : " Furies." Here we have another personifica- 
 tion, but of violent human passions instead of storms. As 
 persons, the three Furies (Alecto, Megaera and Tisiphone) 
 were regarded in the light of avenging or tormenting spirits. 
 
 St. Jerome with the Lion by his side ... ... ... 206 
 
 He is represented in Christian art in the dress of a Cardi- 
 nal, with a lion at his side, probably emblematic of the 
 " Lion of the tribe of Judah." Domenichino's picture 
 of the Communion of St. Jerome in the Vatican will be 
 remembered by many. 
 
 Myriads of Angels ... ... ... ... ... 206 
 
 Original : " of Genii." There is a close affinity between 
 the pagan notion of genii, and the Christian doctrine of 
 angels, or guardian spirits. 
 
 /'// set him in Gold in my little Chapel, among the 
 
 choicest of my Saints ... ... ... ... 208 
 
 Lit, " He shall stand in gold in my Lararium, among the 
 select deities." The Lararium was the sanctuary in a 
 Roman household, where the images of the Lares or tu- 
 telar deities were placed. The "select" deities among the 
 Romans were twenty in number, comprising the principal 
 gods and goddesses of the Pantheon. Another graft from 
 Paganism on the customs of the Christian Church. 
 
 CatJierine of Sien ... ... ... ... ... ... 208 
 
 She is said to have vowed perpetual celibacy at the age of 
 eight ! and to have written some fanatical things. Pius II.
 
 4OO Notes. 
 
 (^Eneas Sylvius Piccolomini) was himself from Sienna. 
 Catherine died 1380 ; Pius II. succeeded to the chair 
 1458. It is clear what was Erasmus's opinion of this kind 
 of saintship. 
 
 Fare you well too. . . . I will fare well, but not be a Cook 209 
 This is a jest founded on the identity of sound, as for- 
 merly pronounced of quoque, too, and coce, the vocative of 
 cocus, cook. Thereby hangs the following tale : Quintilian, 
 in his 6th book (on Laughter) relates that a certain candi- 
 date for office, who was supposed to be the son of a cook, 
 having solicited a man for his vote in Cicero's presence, 
 the latter said : " Ego quoque (coce) tibi favebo." "I also (I 
 O cook) will favour you." This would be retailed about the 
 forum and the sacred way as Cicero's " last ! " The pun 
 is about on a level with that of Horace on a man named 
 Rex; both calculated to produce solemnity rather than 
 laughter in the modern mind ! 
 
 Beef without Pepper or Vinegar. . . ... ... ...211 
 
 See above, p. 395. 
 
 Undeniable A rguments ... ... ... ... ...212 
 
 Lit., "Achillean Arguments," /. e. irresistible as the hero. 
 
 By all your Grammar ... ... ... ... ... 214 
 
 " Before the Areiopagitic Grammarians." The point lies 
 in the fact that the Areiopagus was the highest judicial 
 court at Athens. 
 
 By logic then ... ... ... ... ... ... 214 
 
 " Before the Amphictyonic Dialecticians." The allusion 
 being to the great Grecian Council of the Amphictyones. 
 As it was composed of various nations, so the dialecticians 
 are divided into various schools. 
 
 TJie Grand Elixir ... ... ... ... ...215 
 
 The word and the idea are derived from the Arabic, the 
 Arabs who spread along the coasts of the Mediterranean 
 from the middle of the 7th century being the great 
 " scientists " of the Middle Ages. From the same source 
 comes the " Philosopher's stone." The word in the origi- 
 nal is Panacea, Greek for universal remedy.
 
 Notes. 401 
 
 Thunderbolts. Trident. Spear 215 
 
 The emblems of Jupiter, Neptune, and Pallas respectively. 
 
 Jack Ketch 217 
 
 " Hangman," original. Jack Ketch was hangman in the 
 latter part of the seventeenth century. His predecessors 
 were Derrick, Brandons (father and son), and Dunn. See 
 Chambers's "Book of Days," i. 799. 
 
 Prevent it by a Denial ... ... ... ... ... 218 
 
 " Sing a song of ill omen," original. 
 
 What would you Jiave me say ... ... ... ...218 
 
 "What song do you wish for? " in original 
 
 A long Chorus ... ... ... ... ... ...218 
 
 Original, " A long epiphonema ; " in rhetoric, the conclu- 
 sion, the moral, Venvoi. 
 
 A little too hasty ... ... ... ... ... ... 224 
 
 Lit, " So far your harvest is in the blade." Ovid, H. xvii. 
 263. 
 
 This sweet Ball ... ... ... ... ... ... 224 
 
 A pastille, which means here an aromatic globe to be 
 carried in the hand. They were much in use in Erasmus's 
 time as antidotes to the fearful smells that abounded 
 indoors and out Also termed pomanders. 
 
 A Nun 225 
 
 French, nonne, nonnain ; German, nonne ; Latin, nonna. 
 The ultimate derivation appears to be from the Greek 
 vowos, vo'wo, found in Jerome and other ecclesiastical 
 writers. Perhaps it is a common, founded on a proper 
 name. The designation employed throughout this Collo- 
 quy is monacha, female monk, the idea being that of a 
 solitary life. 
 
 Plagiaries ... ... ... ... ... ... 225 
 
 See above, p. 382. 
 
 Eubulus ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 225 
 
 Meaning " good counsellor," the characteristic part he 
 plays in the dialogue. 
 
 VOL. II. C C
 
 4O2 Notes. 
 
 Catherine ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 225 
 
 Also characteristic, the name being derived from Greek 
 KaOapos, pure, and associated with the memory of the saint 
 of Alexandria, " To bind St. Catherine's tresses " is an 
 old saying, meaning to live a virgin. The firework called 
 a Catherine's Wheel is a curious memento of the mode of 
 her martyrdom. The more correct spelling is Katharine. 
 
 What a Torment Love is 228 
 
 " What a Cross " in original. It occurs in Plautus and 
 Terence as a synonyme for a tormentor ; as also the fre- 
 quent expression, in malam crucem / analogous to Go and 
 be hanged! The allusion is, of course, to the Roman 
 punishment of crucifixion. 
 
 Fool's Cap with Ears and Bells ... ... ... 230 
 
 Readers who desire to know all the history and mystery of 
 fooling and jesting will do well to consult Dr. Doran's 
 History of Court Fools ; also an interesting supplementary 
 chapter to the same, contributed to Chambers's Book of 
 Days, i. 181. 
 
 Fictitious Father ... ... ... ... ... ... 232 
 
 Lit., " Factitious (artificial) father." 
 
 Libert ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 233 
 
 Free ones, the customary appellation of Roman children, 
 as opposed to born slaves. One born free, again, was 
 termed ingenuus, which is opposed to libertinus, or freed- 
 man, who had formerly been a slave. 
 
 The Clemency of the Christian Religion has in a great 
 
 meastire cast out the old Bondage, etc. ... ... 233 
 
 See on this interesting subject, Lecky, European Morals, 
 ii. 65, sq. ; and Hallam, Middle Ages, chap. ii. pt. ii. 
 " Early in the fifteenth century a writer quoted by Muratori 
 speaks of slaves as no longer existing." 
 
 If a military Servant casts off t/te Garment his Master 
 
 gave him, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 233 
 
 The custom of livery (corruption of delivery) is to be 
 traced to the feudal system, under which every grade of 
 retainers had delivered to them as badges of their service, 
 coats, &c., of particular shape and colour.
 
 Notes. 403 
 
 You don't espouse some Body else ... ... ... 236 
 
 In the original it is stronger : " marry others" If the 
 state of conventual life was such as is so broadly hinted 
 in this Colloquy, the suppression of convents can hardly 
 have injured the lot of women so greatly as Mr. Lecky, ii. 
 391, supposes. 
 
 Burgundian Wine ... ... ... ... ... 236 
 
 Beaune wine, as above, p. 391. 
 
 l^Jiat Sort of Cattle? 237 
 
 " What birds," in original. From the connexion of birds 
 with omens. Perhaps the allusion is here to the black 
 raiment of the friars, suggesting ravens or crows, which 
 were ill-omened birds. Perhaps " cattle " is corrupt for 
 chatels. 
 
 400 Crowns ... ... ... ... ... ... 240 
 
 " 40 " in original. 
 
 T/te burnt Child dreads the Fire ... ... ... 240 
 
 " The struck fisherman will be wise " is the proverb half 
 quoted in original, alluding to an ancient story of a fisher- 
 man struck by a scorpion-fish amongst his haul. Analo- 
 gous are : " Once bit, twice shy." " The scalded dog fears 
 cold water." 
 
 Uneasy Wife ... ... ... ... ... ... 241 
 
 Lit., " The wife who finds fault with marriage." 
 
 Eulalia, Xantippe ... ... ... ... ... 242 
 
 Characteristic names, Eulalia meaning " well-spoken," and 
 Xantippe being the name of Socrates' notorious shrew-wife. 
 
 English Wool ... ... ... ... ... ... 242 
 
 The wool-trade was the staple trade of our country from 
 the fourteenth century, the great source of its commercial 
 prosperity. See Hallam, Middle Ages. 
 
 Mushroom... ... ... ... ... ... ... 243 
 
 Fungus is an epithet of a heavy, stupid man in Plautus. 
 " Stulti, stolidi, fatui, fungi, bardi, blenni, buccones" Bac. 
 v. i, 2. 
 
 As the Maggot bites 243 
 
 As the fancy suggests. A popular notion seems to have
 
 404 Notes. 
 
 widely prevailed that the cerebral sensations accompany- 
 ing thought were due to some living agency. So the 
 Scotch, " He has a bee in his bonnet ;" the French, " rats 
 in his head ; " the Dutch, " a mouse's nest in his head." 
 
 David's Sow ... ... ... ... ... ... 243 
 
 The story runs that a Welshman having a sow with six 
 legs, was one day leading a party of visitors to the stye. 
 When they came up, David's wife was discovered asleep 
 in the stye in a state of inebriation. " It's the drunkenest * 
 sow I ever saw !" exclaimed one of the spectators. This 
 allusion is, of course, a smart interpolation of the trans- 
 lators. 
 
 Swearing and cursing like a Foot- Soldier ... ... 244 
 
 This is a heightening touch, added by the translator. "Swear 
 like a trooper," is more familiar. Probably the proverb 
 came into use towards the close of the Middle Ages, and 
 refers to the swaggering and violent style of the mercenary 
 troops which then began to be employed. 
 
 A Woman of Spirit ... ... ... ... ... 244 
 
 See next page. " A virago." This is but a lengthened 
 form of virgo, maiden, and was applied by Roman writers 
 to maidens of masculine or heroic mould ; hence to Pallas, 
 Diana, an Amazon, etc. The repugnance felt towards 
 women of this type in the more refined civilization of 
 Christianity, is indicated by the lapse of the word into its 
 modern objectionable sense. 
 
 ... 244 
 
 There is here a hiatus in the translation, which may be 
 thus supplied : " Eu. A new sort of Shield. You only 
 wanted a Distaff instead of a Lance. Xa. His bones 
 would have felt that he had to do with a Virago." 
 
 Every one his Faults, etc. ... ... ... ... 246 
 
 Alluding to the Greek proverb : (iAov rpoTrous yiVwo-Ke, 
 (jLio-rja-rjs Se py. Know your friend's habits, do not hate 
 them. 
 
 A friend should bear a friend's infirmities : 
 But Brutus makes mine greater than they are. 
 
 Shakesp. Ju. Ccesar.
 
 Notes. 405 
 
 Jockies Jtave particular Sounds, etc. ... ... ... 247 
 
 Sunt verba et voces, quibus hunc lenire dolorem 
 Possis, et magnam morbi deponere partem. 
 
 Hor. Ep. i. 33. 
 
 In tJte Hippo 248 
 
 This is for sollicitus, anxious, troubled : original. The origin 
 of the word seems to be not quite certain. Perhaps it is 
 connected with being hipped like a wrestler seized by his an- 
 tagonist. " I have thee on the hip." Shakesp. 
 
 Venus' Girdle 255 
 
 The most famous passage relating to this magical petticoat 
 is that in the i4th Book of the Iliad, where Juno borrows 
 it in order to beguile Jupiter to sleep, and so be enabled 
 to pursue her machinations against the Trojans. 
 
 Hold him by this Handle ... ... ... ... 256 
 
 Epictetus says every thing has two handles, one by which 
 it may, the other by which it may not be held. The 
 general use of " seizing a handle, affording a handle, etc.," 
 in the sense of opportunity, is found in Plautus and else- 
 where. 
 
 Three Months Lying in ... ... ... ... ... 257 
 
 Trimestris fetus. " Three months' Child," would be more 
 accurate. The joke is founded on the fact that there were 
 crops which ripened in three months called trimestria. 
 
 Columella and Pliny. 
 
 Would throw tJie House out of Windows ... ... 260 
 
 Lit, " Would mix heaven and earth." Licet et mare coelo 
 confundas, homo sum. -Juv. 
 
 Carthusian ... ... ... ... ... ... 261 
 
 Corrupted from Chartreusian, the order having been 
 founded by St. Bruno of Cologne at La Chartreuse, 1086. 
 
 Samian literati ... ... ... ... ... ... 262 
 
 Samos was the birth-place of Pythagoras, who made the 
 letter V symbolic of the diverging paths of virtue and 
 vice ; also of Callistratus, who is said to have reduced the 
 alphabet to 24 letters. Hence in several senses the Samians 
 might be called " lettered." Further, the expression seems
 
 406 Notes. 
 
 to have been used as a scoff, literatus meaning also 
 branded, like a slave or malefactor. 
 
 Conversation the pleasanter for being something {some- 
 times] interrupted ... ... ... ... ... 264 
 
 Voluptates commendat rarior usus. -Juv. 
 
 Mushrooms and Poppies ... ... ... ... ... 265 
 
 As things which can be cut down at a stroke. 
 
 Religion and L iberties ... ... ... ... ...265 
 
 Pro aris etfocis, " For altars and hearths." The ideas 
 of Religion and Home are blended in this famous Roman 
 phrase. On the Roman focus or hearth stood the Lares 
 or household gods in little niches ; and in their honour 
 the fire was kept burning. 
 
 Run tJie Gantlope ... ... ... ... ... 266 
 
 The old brutal military punishment of making the delin- 
 quent run between two files of men, each of whom bestowed 
 a blow on him as he passed. Also used at sea. Gantlope 
 means a rod or switch. The Germans say : spiess-ruthen 
 laiifen ; the French : passer par les baguettes. 
 
 Philetymus ... ... ... ... ... ... 268 
 
 Lover of Truth. 
 
 Pseudocheus ... ... ... ... ... ... 268 
 
 Liar. 
 
 Tax on Urine ... ... ... ... ... ... 271 
 
 Suetonius (Vesp. 23) tells that Vespasian having laid a tax 
 on urine, Titus expostulated with his father on his mean- 
 ness. Vespasian's reply was that " Gain has a good smell, 
 no matter what it comes from." He was the author of 
 many " good things." Some readers will possibly be re- 
 minded of Mr. Robert Lowe's famous proposal to tax 
 lucifer matches, and the neat motto he had ready " E luce 
 lucellum " . From light a little profit, for the stamp. 
 
 My last Shift 272 
 
 " Last anchor." From the Greek. Sailors termed the 
 largest and strongest anchor the sacred anchor, and in 
 time of peril it was the last cast.
 
 Notes. 407 
 
 Forgeries I make turn to a considerable Account ... 274 
 " I sell this kind of smoke for a long price," in original. 
 The figure is applied by Martial (iv. 5, 7) to those who 
 make empty promises of interest at court, which come to 
 nothing, like smoke. 
 
 Who call a Fig a Fig, and a Spade a Spade ... ... 274 
 
 From Aristophanes. The things mentioned are appropri- 
 ate in the mouth of an honest Greek rustic. 
 
 With Slight of Hand 274 
 
 The original adds, " Ulysses and Mercury " (as patrons of 
 trickery and thieving) " being at my right hand. " 
 
 The worst Sign in the World to Sailors ... ... 275 
 
 See Pliny, ii. c. 37. 
 
 Mole Hills 276 
 
 Lit, " Warts," a still stronger hyperbole. 
 
 Cold Comfort ... ... ... ... ... ... 276 
 
 Lit, "a Scythian speech." 'SiKvOwv p^o-t?, Lucian. A 
 Greek saying for anything rude or harsh in the hearing. 
 
 Necessity a hard Portion... ... ... ... ... 276 
 
 Lit, " a hard weapon." " Necessity, which is the last and 
 greatest weapon." Liv. iv. 28. 
 
 The Italian Humour ... ... ... ... ... 277 
 
 The old classical habit of railing at whatever was foreign 
 as barbarous. 
 
 278 
 
 The transference of old Pagan associations of Venus with 
 the protection of sailors to the Virgin Mary is another 
 interesting example of the assimilation of the old mytho- 
 logy by the Roman system. One would imagine no 
 stronger satire could have been written against the prac- 
 tice of supplication to many of the saints. Erasmus, 
 however, in the apologetic piece at the end defends him- 
 self from so extreme a charge ! 
 
 St. Christopher ... ... ... ... ... ... 279 
 
 There was a gigantic wooden statue of him in Notre
 
 408 Notes. 
 
 Dame, removed in 1785. The legend of this saint affords 
 a good example of the influence which language exercises 
 on thought, so that some myths are simply " diseases of 
 language" (Max Muller). Christopher (Xpio-ro^opos) 
 means as a name, Christ-bearer. Hence the legend of 
 his bearing the child Jesus across the stream, and being 
 ready to sink beneath the growing weight of Him who 
 bore the sins of the world ; of his gigantic stature, etc. 
 The historic individuality of the good man is quite obscure. 
 Perhaps he was an unconscious invention throughout. 
 
 For he being not unacquainted with the Distress, etc. . . . 276 
 A quotation of Dido's words to Aneas : Haud ignara 
 mali, miseris succurrere disco. Aen. 
 
 To divine Help ... ... ... ... ... ... 282 
 
 " To the sacred* anchor." See above, p. 406. 
 
 O Virago! 282 
 
 The noble sense of the word now lost in English use, 
 equivalent to " What a heroine ! " 
 
 Diversoria... ... ... ... ... ... ... 286 
 
 This is a corrupt form for deversoria, lodgings or inns 
 (from deversor, to turn aside from the road). 
 
 Jesting Women at Table... ... ... ... ... 287 
 
 The employment of women in this capacity appears at 
 one time to have been more general than that of men. 
 See Dr. Doran's article in Chambers's " Book of Days," 
 vol. i. 179. 
 
 German Inns ... ... ... ... ... ... 288 
 
 The whole of the following description is reproduced sub- 
 stantially in Sir W. Scott's Anne of Geierstein, ch. xix., 
 with characteristic details and colouring. 
 
 Stoves 288 
 
 Hypocaustum is the word used in the original ; which was 
 the room in a Roman bath heated by a furnace below ; 
 sometimes used for the furnace itself. The use of stove 
 as in the text for a room heated by a closed furnace is 
 certainly not usual now-a-days ; but stube, (Ger.) denotes 
 room.
 
 Notes. 409 
 
 Having all Things in Common ... ... ... ... 289 
 
 " A true coenobium," in original. Kowofiiov, lit., common 
 life. Used by Jerome for convent, and coenobite for monk, 
 as distinguished from the solitary eremite or anchoret. 
 iprjfjitTrjs, a dweller in the desert ; dvax^p^r^s, one who has 
 retired from the world. 
 
 At Rome, Paris, or Venice, there's no Body thinks any 
 
 thing strange ... ... ... ... ... ... 289 
 
 Or " nobody wonders at anything." A trait of good 
 breeding which is perhaps as noticeable in those cities in 
 the present day, in contrast to the staring habits of many 
 of our fellow-islanders. Grace of manners is one of the 
 truest monuments of an ancient civilization, and is parti- 
 cularly striking in Italy generally. 
 
 Not Damask ones... ... ... ... ... ... 290 
 
 " Not Milesian," in original. Miletus was famed for the 
 softness and beauty of its cloths. 
 
 Wine how far from being tasteless ... ... ... 291 
 
 " How unsmoked ! " in original. The Romans mellowed 
 their wine in thefumarium, or smoke-chamber. 
 
 Bloody Iambics ... ... ... ... ... ... 301 
 
 Alluding to the old story of Archilochus of Paros, who 
 invented this measure ; and who in revenge for the refusal 
 of his betrothed Neobule's hand by her father Lycambes, 
 satirized them with such virulence that they both hanged 
 themselves. See Horace, Ep. i. 19, 24; ad Pisones, 80. 
 
 Blitea instead of Margarita ... ... ... ... 302 
 
 The former word means insipid, from some herb called 
 /JA.ITOV, blitum, strawberry-blite, etc. Margarita, a pearl. 
 
 Whatsoever comes into his Head in his mad Mood . . . 303 
 " Whatever his splendid Bile suggested to him," in original. 
 A quotation from Horace, Ser. ii. 3, 141 : 
 
 " maledicit utrique, vocando 
 
 Hanc Furiam, hunc aliud, jussit quod splendida bilis." 
 Splendida means bright-coloured. The whole phrase is a 
 metonymy for " inflamed passion." 
 <ei/yeTe, K.T.\. ... ... ... ... ... ... 303 
 
 A verse said by Pliny to be used in magical remedies.
 
 410 Notes. 
 
 Mercury's Mace 303 
 
 His herald-wand, caduceus (x^pwceiov), symbolizing his office 
 as messenger of the gods, by which he gave or took away 
 sleep, summoned souls from Hades, or sent them thither. 
 
 He leers and sneers at me ... ... ... ... 304 
 
 " His nose and sardonic laugh," in original. For nose, see 
 above, p. 385. There is some doubt as to the origin of 
 " Sardonic." In Homer, Plato, etc., it is given Sardanic, 
 (as if from a-alpta, to grin, which is the probable derivation.) 
 Others derive it from sardonion, a plant of Sardinia, which 
 puckers the face when eaten. The ancients spoke of 
 other kinds of risibility : the Ionic, Megaric, Chian laughs, 
 Ajax's laugh, etc. 
 
 Thomas Linacre ... ... ... ... ... ... 305 
 
 One of the minor names, like those of Grocyn and Latimer, 
 to be mentioned with honour in connection with the revival 
 of Greek learning, 1460-1524. He studied under Chal- 
 condylas at Florence, and brought his Greek to Oxford. 
 The " stupid party " there called themselves " Trojans," as 
 a mark of hostility to the new learning. He was also the 
 means of founding the College of Physicians. 
 
 Holding up our Fingers ... ... ... ... ... 306 
 
 The old game of guessing how many fingers are held up 
 before a blindfold person. 
 
 No Scruple 306 
 
 i.e., Difficulty, Scrupulus (Lat.) a pebble. 
 
 TJie Ovation ... ... ... ... ... ... 309 
 
 A punning allusion to ova, eggs, of which they were par- 
 taking. On ovation and triumph, see above, p. 395. 
 
 Stumbled at the very Threshold ... ... ... ...312 
 
 " Struck (like a ship) in the very harbour;" another ancient 
 form of the proverb. 
 
 Such a kind of Judge as tJie Cuckoo and Nightingale 
 
 once had ... ... ... ... ... ... 319 
 
 That is, an Ass according to the fable. 
 
 I have begun ... ... ... ... ... ... 321 
 
 Original, " prasul agi" which may be paraphrased, " I
 
 Notes. 4 1 1 
 
 have led off the dance." The allusion is to the Salii, or 
 dancing priests of Mars, the leader of whom was called 
 pr&sul. Like the modern, " I have opened the ball." It 
 may be worth noticing that with the Romans dancing was 
 essentially a religious performance, and was not respect- 
 able otherwise. There is certainly a close connexion 
 between religious enthusiasm and rhythmic movements of 
 the body. Witness King David ; Milton's dance of angels 
 in Paradise Lost; Ranters and Shakers. Sterne (Senti- 
 mental Journey), watching a family dance at a French 
 peasant's house, says : " I fancied I could distinguish an 
 elevation of spirit different from that which is the cause 
 or the effect of simple jollity. In a word, I thought I 
 beheld religion mixing in the dance ! " 
 
 Poets are always reflecting, etc. ... ... ... ...321 
 
 The word is blathero, our blather, blether, Ger. blattern, etc. 
 
 Mischievous Deities ... ... ... ... ...323 
 
 " Vejoves" in original. Veiovis was an unpropitious, ill- 
 omened deity who had a temple on the Capitoline Hill. 
 Ovid (Fast. iii. 430) speaks of him as the youthful Jupiter. 
 It seems more probable that the Roman etymology of the 
 name was mistaken, and that this was a deity of Etruscan 
 origin. 
 
 Harmless Thunderbolts ... ... ... ... ...323 
 
 ** Bruta Fulminia." Pliny says, " There are brute and 
 idle thunder-bolts, such as come according to no rule of 
 nature," ii. 43, 43. Hence the expression, brutum fulmen, 
 has passed into a proverb for blind and senseless denun- 
 ciations, such as those of the Pope ! 
 
 A Sort of Lightning that proceeds from a Glass, etc, ... 324 
 An old Greek saying ; whence our " flash in the pan." 
 
 TJiat you are not become blacker than a Coal before now. 324 
 From the effect of excommunicating curses. 
 
 Ask me any Thing that you have a Mind to ask me ... 325 
 Lit., " Inquire from heaven even to earth." A proverb, 
 from Plautus.
 
 412 Notes. 
 
 Symbolism is indeed a military Word ... ... ... 325 
 
 ^,vfj.(3o\ov, symbolum, denotes a token, sign, or pledge. 
 Among the many applications of this idea, is that to a 
 military signal or watchword. Hence, in ecclesiastical 
 usage, a creed or confession of faith was termed a watch- 
 word a means of mutual recognition and bond of union 
 among Christians. Analogous to this is the ecclesiastical 
 use of sacrament. This was originally the military oath of 
 allegiance, taken by the Roman soldier to his general. So, 
 metaphorically, the Christian on his baptism took an oath 
 of allegiance to Christ, the 'Apxyyov, or " Chieftain of 
 Salvation." The " Apostles' Creed," so-called, dates, as a 
 composition, from the fifth century. 
 
 / would not put my chief Confidence and Hope in him, 
 
 etc. 327 
 
 Lit, " I would not cast my sacred anchor in him, etc." 
 See above, p. 406. 
 
 Lest any should imagine him to be a Creature ... ... 328 
 
 Alluding to the Arian heresy which taught that Christ was 
 a Creature of God, although the most perfect. 
 
 / am not an Apuleius turned inside out. .. ... ... 328 
 
 Alluding to the Golden Ass of Apuleius, a fable relating 
 the adventures of a man who has been metamorphosed 
 into the form of an ass. Various speculations have been 
 mooted as to the inner purport of the allegory. The story 
 ascribed to Lucian, of Lucius or the Ass, is similar. Both 
 pieces are said to have been founded on a work of one 
 Lucius of Patrse. 
 
 Natural Rock ... ... ... ... ... ... 329 
 
 Lit, " living rock," which meant natural, in the sense of 
 being unwrought or unremoved. But the epithet seems to 
 point back to the ancient belief in the growth of stones. 
 It was probably a dim perception of the truths which 
 geology has brought to light. 
 
 TJiat is beside our Creed (symbol) ... ... ... 337 
 
 There is a play on symbol, which denoted also the cheque 
 or ticket given up by each guest at a common meal or 
 pic-nic, to be presented for payment afterwards.
 
 Notes. 4 1 3 
 
 T/ie Old Man's Dialogue 339 
 
 The names are characteristic : Eusebius, Pious ; Pampirus, 
 All-experienced ; Polygamus, Much-married (not, however, 
 exactly in the sense in which Artemus Ward gave this 
 epithet to Brigham Young) ; Gluxion, Sweet-like. 
 
 New Faces ... ... ... ... ... ... 339 
 
 Lit., " New birds." Ironically for old acquaintances. 
 
 What do you mean with your Glass Eyes, you Wizard? 339 
 Lit, "you Fascinator?" Alluding to the superstition of 
 the "evil eye," which still so strongly prevails, especially 
 in Italy, suggested by the glare of Eusebius, through his 
 spectacles. 
 According to the Greek Proverb. . . . talking not about a 
 
 Waggon ... 340 
 
 The translator has here missed the point. The phrase is 
 de plaustro loqui, and means speaking down from a Wag- 
 gon. The proverb is traceable to the rude beginning of 
 Comedy, when the stage was a waggon, and the actors 
 boors, their faces smeared with dregs ; and when the 
 " play " consisted of gross ribaldry and abuse, seasoned 
 with more or less rude wit, levelled at the passers by, at 
 well-known characters, or even at the immortal inhabitants 
 of Olympus themselves. 
 Eu. Why thou'lt never be old ... ... ... ...341 
 
 Lit, "Truly aTithonus' old age, as they say!" Aurora 
 (Eos) obtained for him, her lover, the boon of immortality, 
 but neglected to ask for eternal youth, so that he pined 
 away in ever increasing decrepitude and begged that he 
 might be changed into a cicada. Tennyson (" Tithonus ") 
 has wrought at the idea with his usual exquisite felicity of 
 expression : 
 
 " I wither slowly in thine arms 
 Here at the quiet limit of the world 
 A white-hair' d shadow roaming like a dream 
 The ever silent spaces of the East 
 Far-folded mists, and gleaming halls of morn." 
 Both Erasmus and the translator have mis-applied the 
 saying about Tithonus. It is applicable to a decrepit, not 
 to a fresh old age.
 
 414 Notes. 
 
 You were as great a Maggot ... ... ... ... 341 
 
 See above p. 403. Lit., " There was no greater Trifler than 
 
 you." 
 My own mother-Wit ... ... ... ... ... 341 
 
 Lit., " My own Mars " : my own unaided exertions. 
 An indifferent good one, and according to tlie Proverb, 
 
 in a competent proportion to my own ... ... 342 
 
 The proverb is quoted from Plutarch : rrjv Kara a-eavrov 
 
 IA.O,, Choose a wife of your own condition. 
 
 That which the Greeks call Freedom from the encum- 
 brance of Business ... ... ... ... ... 343 
 
 aTrpafia. Latin, otium. Leisure is the nearest equivalent 
 in English. 
 
 I act the part of Mitio in the Comedy ... ... ... 343 
 
 The genial old bachelor-uncle of Terence's Adelphi, who 
 is so well " foiled " by his churlish brother Demea. 
 
 Crates ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 344 
 
 One of the Cynic school, a disciple of Diogenes and 
 Antisthenes. One of their principles was that pleasure is 
 pernicious ; and a favourite saying is ascribed to Antis- 
 thenes : " I would rather be mad than glad ! " Metrodorus 
 was the most important follower of Epicurus. He is 
 said to have placed happiness in the possession of a well- 
 constituted body ; regarded the Belly as the great test and 
 measure of bliss ! 
 
 evOvfJbia ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 345 
 
 Literally, good-humour, (or temper) cheerfulness. The 
 Greeks had also pq.6vp.ia., easiness of temper, generally 
 shading off into the sense of indolence. 
 
 If I feel any Disorder, &c. ... ... ... ... 346 
 
 Lit., " lassitude." 
 
 Cackling gossip. . . . my Pullet. . . . French woman, .... 
 
 French husband ... ... ... ... ... 347 
 
 The old play once more on Gallus, Gallina in their dif- 
 ferent senses. See above, p. 392. 
 
 There had passed some Words between us, in the future 
 
 Tense... ... ... ... ... ... ... 347 
 
 An allusion to the old legal and ecclesiastical doctrine
 
 Notes. 4 1 5 
 
 concerning the binding force of verbal contracts before 
 marriage. Any contract made in words of the present 
 tense (per verba de pr&senti) "I take you to wife"; and in 
 case of cohabitation in words of the future tense (per 
 verba defuturo), " I will take you to wife," was a valid 
 marriage, and the parties might be compelled in the spiritual 
 courts to celebrate it in fade ecclesia. 
 
 I Jtave brought a Noble to nine Pence ... ... ... 348 
 
 " Have given up horses for asses," in the original. The 
 noble is said to have been called so on account of the 
 superior quality of the gold. 
 
 Master of seven Arts ... ... ... ... ... 348 
 
 In the Mediaeval schools the division of studies was into 
 the trivium and the quadrivium ; the former comprising 
 Grammar, Logic^ Rhetoric ; the latter, Music, Arithmetic, 
 Geometry and Astronomy. "All these studies were 
 however referred to theology, and that in the narrowest 
 manner ; music, for example, being reduced to church 
 chanting, and astronomy to the calculation of Easter," 
 (Hallam. Middle Ages.) The above is of course the 
 origin of the Title " Master of Arts." 
 
 Stock and Block ... ... ... ... ... ... 349 
 
 Principal and interest. 
 
 More dangerous Rocks than those of Stilly ... ... 349 
 
 "Than any Malea" original. The proverbially dangerous 
 promontory to the S. of Laconia. The play of words 
 Malea, Alea, assists the play of thought around the image 
 of a shipwreck. 
 
 An Alloivance always to be made to one that makes the 
 
 first Essay ... ... ... ... ... ... 349 
 
 2vyyvw/u.T7 TrporroTmpu) : " Pardon the novice " (protopeirus, 
 him who makes his first attempt or trial). Play on Proto 
 and Pam-peirus. 
 
 The Greek proverb, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 351 
 
 Of which our translator appears to miss the point. " One 
 must either eat tortoises or leave them alone," is nearer to 
 the sense. The notion was that if one ate a little of tor- 
 toise flesh, it gave one the " gripes " ; if more freely the
 
 4i 6 Notes. 
 
 pain was soothed. The saying about "going the whole 
 hog " is similar. 
 
 A Man of Art will live anywhere ... ... ...352 
 
 More literally, " Art is nourished in every land." Also : 
 At/A^v drv^ias COTIJ/ dy$pcu7rois Tfyyt], "Alt is a harbour of 
 refuge to men." Of course "Art" is used not in the 
 specific modem sense, but in the general one of practical 
 skill, craft. 
 
 Pope Julius the Second ... ... ... ... ... 353 
 
 Erasmus appears to have had the most cordial dislike for 
 the character of this filibustering Pope. He was at Bologna 
 when Julius made an entry into that city after a seige ; 
 and keenly contrasted his martial imperious bearing and 
 pompous entourage with the meekness and humility of the 
 Gospel. The dialogue, Julius Exclustis, or Julius shut out 
 of heaven, is ascribed on internal evidence to Erasmus, 
 although he never owned its authorship. He satirized the 
 Pope also in the Praise of Folly : " I can show you an old 
 man, whose valour is equal to that of any youth ; who to 
 disturb law and religion, spares neither expense nor cau- 
 tion, and to whose folly his flatterers join the name of 
 zeal, piety, and strength of mind." 
 
 This being my Lot, / make the best on't. . . ... ... 3 54 
 
 "This Sparta which has fallen to my lot, I adorn," in 
 original. 
 
 TJiey were all asleep, and added a dead Weight to my 
 
 Waggon 356 
 
 That the body is lighter awake than sleeping is stated in 
 Pliny, H. N., vii. 17. Archbishop Trench, in his note on 
 the miracle of Christ walking on the sea, speaks of it as a 
 " well-attested fact," and concludes that " the human con- 
 sciousness, as an inner centre, works as an opposing force 
 to the attraction of the earth, and the centripetal force of 
 gravity." 
 
 Hiimming Ale ... ... ... ... ... ... 356 
 
 According to the original, simply, " remarkably good." 
 Some explain humming as corrupt for spuming, foaming ; 
 others from the sound good liquor is supposed to produce
 
 Notes. 4 1 7 
 
 when drawn. This is wide of the mark. In Beaumont 
 and Fletcher, and in Ben Jonson, Hum is named as a 
 particular kind of strong liquor. " Strong waters, hum, 
 Meath and Obarni." Humming ale was probably that in 
 which there was an infusion of spirit. 
 
 A Parson 357 
 
 " Pastor " in original. It is curious to note the stumbles 
 that have been made over the derivation of this word. 
 Thus Blackstone takes it to be equivalent to persona, the 
 church being represented in the person of the minister. 
 Others think it to be connected with the German pfarrer. 
 The true explanation is, doubtless, that which connects it 
 with paroecia, parochia, parish ; parson is contracted and 
 corrupted from paroecianus, or parochianus, pastor of the 
 parish. 
 Wolves, Wench ... ... ... ... ... ... 357 
 
 A double entendre on lupa, which may mean either a she- 
 wolf, or a whore. 
 
 Good Men ! ... ... ... ... ... ... 36 1 
 
 A phrase said to have been current in popular speech in 
 France for men whose wives were not all that wives should 
 be. 
 St. Anthony takes charge of the Hogs ... ... ... 364 
 
 His patronage of swineherds originated in the story of his 
 forest life. 
 
 What he knows is what he has learned in private Con- 
 fession, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 365 
 
 A joking way of describing his ignorance. "He shakes 
 his head, but there's nothing in it." 
 
 / should not say much perhaps, but I should cudgel her 
 
 handsomely ... ... ... ... ... ... 366 
 
 More spirited the original : " I should not treat her to bad 
 words, but to a good cudgel." 
 
 Accoutrements of a hectoring Soldier ... ... ... 367 
 
 Lit., "Distinctions of Thrasonic folly." Thraso is the 
 blustering soldier of Terence's Eunuchus. By some insen- 
 sible transition of thought the name of Hector, the gentlest 
 VOL. II. D D
 
 4 1 8 Notes. 
 
 hero of the Iliad, has come unjustly to be associated with 
 military swagger. Probably there is as little true con- 
 nexion between what the French term " Chauvinisme " 
 and the personal character of M. Chauvin. 
 
 The Bishop of Rome and the Monks ... ... ... 369 
 
 Gregory the Great (Pontiff 590-604), having been himself 
 " dragged from the cloister to the papal throne by the 
 unanimous voice of the clergy, the senate, and the people," 
 was the great man who shed lustre on monachism and 
 gave impetus to its progress in Europe. 
 
 The very Pagan writers have taken notice of them that 
 
 have wore CloatJts so thin, etc. ... ... ... 369 
 
 The allusion is apparently to Juvenal's second satire, where 
 he satirizes one Creticus, a pleader, for appearing in a 
 multitium, or soft transparent robe. 
 
 Whatsoever is deeply rooted in the Minds of men . . . . 
 
 must be removed by degrees, as a Horse's Tail is 
 pluck d off by single Hairs ... ... ... ... 372 
 
 The story is told of an ancient captain, that he set his 
 soldiers to pull out a horse's tail, which they being unable 
 to do, he shewed that it could be accomplished by remov- 
 ing it hair by hair : teaching the lesson that difficulties 
 might be overcome in detail which were not to be over- 
 come by one great exertion of force. Horace employs the 
 allusion as illustrating the argument called Sorites : 
 " Utor permisso, candaeque pilos ut equinae, 
 Paullatim vello, et demo unum, demo et item unum, 
 Dum cadat elusus ratione ruentis acervi." 
 
 Ep. ii. i, 45 sq. 
 The Mendicant Orders ... ... ... ... ... 373 
 
 Their institution appears to have sprung from a reaction- 
 ary movement against the worldliness of the established 
 clergy and the ostentatious luxury of the ancient monastic 
 orders. The Dominicans took their name from Dominic 
 of Toulouse, and were established in 1216 ; the Francis- 
 cans from Francis of Assisi, in 1223. The Mendicants 
 appear to have given a stricter application to the austere 
 rule of Benedict, who founded an order in the sixth cen-
 
 Notes. 4 1 9 
 
 tury. They were debarred by their foundation from 
 acquiring possessions, and were to be maintained by alms 
 only. The assumption of the peasant's dress of the period 
 and locality was, of course, in keeping with those prin- 
 ciples. See on this subject Lecky's European Morals and 
 Hallam's Middle Ages. The latter points at the interest- 
 ing analogy between the relation of the Mendicants to the 
 Church of Rome in the thirteenth century and that of the 
 Methodists to the Church of England in the eighteenth. 
 See also Sir James Stephen's Essays on Ecclesiastical Bio- 
 graphy. 
 
 Do us the Honour to preach to the People To-morrow . . . 374 
 Under the fostering policy of the popes, the Dominicans 
 and Franciscans enjoyed exemption from episcopal author- 
 ity, and could preach or hear confessions without permis- 
 sion of the ordinary. This policy rendered them the 
 fastest friends of the popes and their supremacy. The 
 unwisdom of the opposite policy of the rulers of the 
 English Church has often been a subject of remark : the 
 Methodists have passed into gradual estrangement from a 
 communion from which they never formally separated. 
 
 Antronius ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 376 
 
 The name carries an allusion to an old Greek common- 
 place, 'Avrpwvtos ovos, an Antronian ass, for a person heavy 
 in body, stupid in mind. At Antron, in Thessaly, there is 
 said to have been a breed of big asses. Suidas. 
 
 Lady's Apartment, Ladies ... ... ... ... 376 
 
 Heroina, heroine, is the word used in the original for 
 courtly and fashionable women, as though they were a 
 species of demi-goddesses. 
 
 Decrees and Decretals ... ... ... ... ... 378 
 
 Of the Popes. The spurious "Decretals of Isidore," 
 which appeared in the eighth century, gave to the Bishop 
 of Rome an appellant jurisdiction, and forbade national 
 councils to be held without his consent, etc. Upon this 
 imposture the fabric of Papal supremacy over the different 
 national churches was gradually raised. Hallam's Middle 
 Ages.
 
 42O Notes. 
 
 As Panniers don't become an Ox, so neither does Learn- 
 ing become a Woman ... ... ... ... 381 
 
 A Latin proverb : " Bos clitellas" (portat), Cic. Att. v. 15. 
 '' Optat ephippia bos niger, optat arare caballus," Hor. 
 Ep. i. 14, 43. Similar is our " Putting the saddle on the 
 wrong horse." 
 
 What Books did she read ? The canonical Hours. For 
 
 tJte Use of whom ? Of tJie Order of Benedictines. 381 
 The canonical hours, when sacred offices should be per- 
 formed, are : Matins ; Prime, 6 a.m. ; Tierce, 8 a.m. ; 
 Sext, ii a.m. ; Nones, 2 p.m. ; Compline, from comple- 
 mentum, that which fulfils the day. The usage was derived 
 from Ps. cxix. 164: " Seven times a day do I praise Thee." 
 In the text, " Hours " is used in the transferred sense of 
 devotional books for use at such times. " For the Use of 
 whom ? " is a mistake of the translator. It should be : 
 " according to what (or whose) usage?" The reader will 
 not miss the stupid abbot's anachronism in making the 
 Virgin read a Benedictine book of Hours. 
 
 Paula and Eustochium ... ... ... ... ...381 
 
 Two examples of learned female saints. The former is 
 said to have been taught Latin by Jerome. 
 
 Morites in England ... ... ... ... ... 382 
 
 Morica in original. Probably refers to the ladies of Sir 
 Thomas More's family. 
 
 Petrus ALgidius ... ... ... ... ... ... 383 
 
 He was employed by Francis I. to visit and describe the 
 most celebrated places in Asia, Greece, and Africa; and 
 published an account of his travels, besides other works. 
 
 Epithalamium ... ... ... ... ... ... 383 
 
 As its etymology signifies (CTTI, 0aAaju.os, against, a chamber), 
 the cJwrale sung by girls and boys before the bridal cham- 
 ber. The splendid song of Catullus on the nuptials of 
 Julia and Manlius (61) will be recalled by the classical 
 reader, with its refrain, lo Hymen Hymenaee ! 
 
 I can't see a bit of a Maid ... ... ... ... 383 
 
 " Muscam puellam," or "Jfy of a maid," in original.
 
 Notes. 42 1 
 
 Scotus' s Fountain .... a Lake of Frogs 384 
 
 There were two great Schoolmen who bore the name of 
 Scotus, indicating their derivation from the northern part 
 of our island : (i) Johannes Scotus Erigena, born c. 800, 
 the earliest great name of the Scholastic period. (2) 
 Johannes Duns Scotus, born c. 1274, the opponent of 
 Thomas Aquinas' theological system ; hence the party 
 division of " Thomists " and " Scotists." The stigma cast 
 on Scholasticism in the expression " a Lake of Frogs " is 
 thoroughly characteristic of Erasmus. Like other great 
 classical scholars, he appears to have had no relish for 
 metaphysical studies ; perhaps no understanding of their 
 nature or value. 
 
 How total a Darkness lias seized your Eyes ! 384 
 
 In the original, TO O-KOTOS (darkness) is used for the sake of 
 forcing a pun on the name Scotus. 
 
 You should come off as ill by seeing the Muses, as Actaeon 
 
 did by seeing Diana... ... ... ... ... 385 
 
 Possibly there may be " English readers " who need to 
 be informed what Actaeon's fate was. He had the ill- 
 luck, while hunting, to come upon Diana and her nymphs 
 bathing, whereupon the goddess, " ever chaste and fair," 
 turned him into a stag, and he was set upon and devoured 
 by his own dogs. 
 
 / hear somewhat, but I don't know what it is ... ... 385 
 
 Lit, " I hear, like a donkey listening to a lyre." Among 
 other opprobria cast upon this inoffensive brute, has been 
 from ancient times the charge of insensibility to music ; 
 unlike the horse (witness the famous passage in the Mer- 
 chant of Venice, act v., sc. i), birds, serpents, etc. Perhaps 
 many an ass would have " something to say for himself," 
 like Balaam's, if he could only speak. 
 
 Are you going to Lou-vain to see tJie University ? ... 385 
 This university was founded in 1426, later than the other 
 great schools of Europe ; in the midst, in fact, of their 
 golden era. It became celebrated during the next century 
 for its theological faculty, and in Lipsius's time, 1606, 
 numbered 6000 students.
 
 422 Notes. 
 
 One of our Priests ... ... ... ... ... 385 
 
 " Mystae," " initiated ones," in original. The derivation of 
 both muse and myst, mystit, etc., from mu, the sound made 
 with all-but-closed lips (Lat, musso, mussito, Eng., mutter, 
 murmur), indicating the notion of something secret, not 
 to be uttered above one's breath is interesting. The 
 idea is intensely religious and, it may be added, Biblical. 
 " I will open my mouth in parables ; I will utter things 
 kept secret from the foundation of the world." Revela- 
 tion, in the teaching of St. Paul, is constantly the open 
 disclosure of an age-long mystery. Corresponding to this 
 distinction of mysteries known to the few, and revelations 
 for the many, is the Pythagorean division of teaching into 
 the esoteric and exoteric : that behind and that outside the 
 veil. Christianity likewise incorporates this distinction. 
 Mark iv. u. 
 
 The Name of the Buslidians, etc. ... ... ... 385 
 
 According to the native spelling the name is Busleiden. 
 Jerome, the friend of Erasmus and Sir T. More, who 
 founded the college of the " three languages " (Hebrew, 
 Greek, and Latin) at Louvain, died in 1517. 
 
 Conjugal Amenities : the husband has been call'd Block- 
 head, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 387 
 
 It may be worth while giving these elegancies of vitupera- 
 tion in their classic forms. The husband is called " a 
 fungus, a flask, a sponge ; " the lady is saluted with the 
 epithets, " scrofa (breeding sow), Acco (tumour)." Acco, 
 according to Hesychius, was an old woman who went mad 
 on seeing her face in a mirror. 
 
 Must the Matrimony be without Juno and Venus? ... 388 
 Juno was the great protectress of the female sex, and in 
 this capacity received many and various appellations, 
 Cinxia, Domiduca, Interduca, Februa, Jugalis, Lucina, 
 Natalis, Populonia, Pronuba, Virginalis, Matrona, etc. 
 Women sacrificed to her as Natalis on their birthday, as 
 the men to their genius. The great festival of Matronalia 
 was celebrated in her honour on the ist of March by the 
 women. Juno is specially the divine type of the married
 
 Notes. 423 
 
 woman ; hence her presidency over the marriage rites. For 
 fuller information consult Smith's Dictionaries and Creuzer's 
 Symbolik, sub voc. Venus, as Genetrix, favoured the plea- 
 sures of sexual love. The bride on her wedding day sac- 
 rificed a lock of her hair to Venus. 
 
 That earthly drunken Venus, but another heavenly One, 
 etc. 388 
 
 Alluding to Socrates teaching on the distinction between 
 sensual and spiritual love. See the Phxdrus. 
 
 Gracchus and Cornelia ... ... ... ... ... 389 
 
 See Plutarch's Lives : the Gracchi. 
 
 Admetus' Wife ... ... ... ... ... ... 389 
 
 Admetus, for neglecting to sacrifice to Artemis on his wed- 
 ding day, was doomed to die ; but deliverance from death 
 was promised him on condition of the substitution of his 
 father, mother or wife in his stead. Alcestis, the wife, con- 
 sented to the sacrifice, but was rescued from death by 
 Hercules, who wrestled with him for her body. The 
 story forms the plot of Euripides' beautiful drama Alcestis, 
 treated by Mr. Leighton in a picture exhibited in the Royal 
 Academy a few years ago. 
 
 P or cia and Brutus ... ... ... ... ... 389 
 
 See Plutarch's Lives : Brutus. To test her capacity to 
 face the danger of her husband's enterprise against Julius 
 Caesar, and her right to share the secret which clouded his 
 brow, she wounded herself severely in the thigh. On 
 parting from Brutus on the fatal day, her eye fell on a pic- 
 ture of Hector taking leave of Andromache, that scene 
 of purest pathos in all Homer and fainted : the only mark 
 of weakness she ever showed. On Brutus' death, she put 
 an end to her own life. 
 
 Nasica, Paterculana ... ... ... ... ... 389 
 
 The first Scipio Nasica was adjudged when a young man 
 to be the purest citizen of the Republic, and was therefore 
 sent with the Roman matrons to Ostia to receive a statue 
 of Cybele which was being transported from Pessinus in 
 Asia Minor, the chief seat of her worship, to Rome, in 
 order to satisfy a Sibylline oracle. Sulpicia, the daughter
 
 424 Notes. 
 
 of Paterculus, was in like manner selected from a hundred 
 Roman matrons, in virtue of her modesty, to dedicate an 
 image of Venus at Rome. Livy. 
 
 What shall I say to the rest ? P II tell you in your Ear. 390 
 Probably that they are to hang themselves, or some such 
 polite salutation. 
 
 Exorcism ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 391 
 
 The original meaning of this word (e'op/cr/io's) was the ad- 
 ministration of an oath to another. In the early Christian 
 era it came into corrupt use to denote the supposed act of 
 expelling demons by the solemn appeal to sacred names. 
 The correct word for this act is the Latin adjuration. On 
 the prevalence of this superstition in the East Christian 
 Church, see Lecky, European Morals, i. 401 ff ; Hist, of 
 Rationalism, i. 25 ; and in later times, ib. i. 125 ff. It 
 reached its height in the fearful witchcraft -mania in the 
 seventeenth century. Lecky points out that the Anglican 
 clergy stand in this matter in favourable contrast to the 
 Catholics on the one hand, and to the Puritans on the other. 
 
 Such a Flam ... ... ... ... ... ... 392 
 
 This word was formerly current in good English in the 
 sense of a lie, fiction, or imposture. It is still in provin- 
 cial use, but rather in the sense si flattery. Various deri- 
 vations have been suggested, none of which appear satis- 
 factory. Flim-flam, flimsy, fleer, flout, etc., appear to 
 represent that instinctive motion of the lips and cheeks 
 with the blowing forth of the breath, which expresses con- 
 tempt, as for something lightly blown away. 
 
 Faunus, a Priest (of those which in Latin they call 
 Regulars, but that is not enough unless they add tJie 
 same in Greek too) ... ... ... ... ... 393 
 
 The monastic clergy were termed regulars (Lat., regula, a 
 rule) from their compliance with Benedict's famous rule of 
 life, which separated them from the world, while the secular 
 clergy remained in it. The Greek equivalent to regulars 
 is canonid (KOVOVLKOL) whence in short and corrupted form 
 our canon, for a clergyman attached to a cathedral. The 
 true explanation of this word is perhaps not to be found in
 
 Notes. 425 
 
 the primary meaning of canon (KOVWV), a rule ; but in a 
 secondary meaning of a measure or ration of food and 
 drink as supplied to soldiers ; just as prebendary is he who 
 enjoys the praebend or benefice (Lat. prxbeo) attached to 
 his stall. 
 
 Menander's Phasma ... ... ... ... ... 394 
 
 The title of one of Menander's comedies, in which a girl, 
 under the feigned apparition (phasma) of a goddess to 
 whom religious rites were being rendered, enjoys the so- 
 ciety of her lover. See Donatus's introduction to Terence's 
 Eunuchus. 
 
 The Agnus Dei ... ... ... ... ... ... 395 
 
 It consisted of a small cake of wax stamped with the image 
 of the Lamb bearing the banner of the Cross. 
 
 He would leave the most urgent Affairs in the World, etc. 397 
 Lit, "he would forfeit his recognisances, etc.": a pro- 
 verbial Latin saying for putting aside the most serious busi- 
 ness. 
 
 This guardian Devil ... ... ... ... ... 397 
 
 Lit., " the paedagogue demon," supposed to keep as close 
 attendance on the spirit as the Roman slave upon his 
 young master to and from school ; for such was the duty 
 of the Roman paedagogue (lit. child-leader.) 
 
 The Master of the Show ............... 398 
 
 Lit, " the Choragus of the Play." The duty of the Cho- 
 ragus was to superintend and bring on the stage the chorus, 
 which played so essential a part in the ancient drama. 
 
 TJie Devil cries out. . . . you are my own yourself . . . 398 
 This reminds us of the story in Tertullian (De Spectaculis, 
 c. 26) concerning the lady who went to the theatre, and 
 there became possessed with an evil spirit When re- 
 buked by the exorcist, the demon replied that it was a le- 
 gitimate seizure, he had found her upon his own ground ! 
 
 That he should say the glorious J$th Psalm three times 
 over ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 398 
 
 In the original he was to say the Lord's Prayer three times ; 
 why the translator should have altered this is not clear.
 
 426 Notes. 
 
 Imperial Heaven ... ... ... ... ... ... 401 
 
 Translator's blunder for empyrean heaven. The Oriental 
 notion set forth in the Cabbala, or oral tradition of the 
 Jews was that of a series of heavens on an ascending scale 
 of glory. Hence the Biblical expressions " heaven of hea- 
 vens seventh heaven, etc." But empyrean (fiery) is de- 
 rived from Ptolemy's astronomy. He makes his fifth and 
 last heaven to consist of pure elemental fire. 
 
 On the whole subject of the preceding colloquy the first 
 chapter in Lecky's History of Rationalism may be read with 
 advantage (" Magic and Witchcraft "). Although the scepti- 
 cal movement to which Erasmus indirectly contributed, was 
 beginning to set in with force during his time, this fearful 
 superstition continued for nearly two centuries to dominate 
 the mind even of educated Europe. It is not clear that 
 Erasmus was himself free from it, although he so unspar- 
 ingly exposed the impostures to which it gave rise. Lecky 
 and Buckle have amply illustrated the tenacity of the be- 
 lief in Scotland. Most readers will recall the performances 
 of the German adept Dousterswivel in Sir W. Scott's Anti- 
 quary. Writing in 1829, Sir Walter says in his introduc- 
 tion to the novel, that this portion of the story is " founded 
 on a fact of actual occurrence." 
 
 The Akhymist ... ... ... .. ... ... 402 
 
 This long-prevailing mania was derived from the Arabs, 
 the great " Scientists " of the dark ages. The Arabic al 
 kimia denotes " the secret : " the object of this pseudo- 
 science being the discovery of the secret of the transmuta- 
 tion of metals into gold, and the discovery of the elixir of 
 life. The last alchymist in England was James Price, of 
 Guildford, a fellow of the Royal Society. On the failure 
 of his experiments he committed suicide by drinking some 
 laurel-water. See Chambers's Book of Days, i. 602. 
 
 Philecons. . . . Lalus ... ... ... ... ... 402 
 
 " Fond of listening." Lalus, " Talkative." 
 
 Foibles 403 
 
 Lit., " He has so far a mole." i. e., blemish. 
 
 Whafs well begun is half done ... ... ... ... 405 
 
 " Dimidium facti qui c&pit, habet" Hor. Ep. i. 2. 42.
 
 Notes. 427 
 
 Every Block will not make a Mercury ... ... ... 405 
 
 A Greek proverb referring to the frequent use of wood for 
 the statues of this god. 
 
 TJie Virgin Mary, that you know is worshipped at Paris 406 
 It should be : " is worshipped by the Paralii, or dwellers 
 on the coast." Translator's mistake. An allusion to the 
 famous shrine of Our Lady of Walsingham, near the coast 
 of Norfolk. 
 
 The Matter was then debated ... ... ... ... 408 
 
 Lit, " ventilated." A good word, calling up the mental 
 picture of tossing into the air, and so winnowing. 
 
 I admire Balbinus could not smoak the Roguery . . . 408 
 Lit, " that Balbinus had no nose for such a fellow." The 
 general explanation of this usage of smoke is by referring 
 to the idea of discovering a hidden fire by the issuing 
 smoke. Such a derivation is evidently contrary to all ana- 
 logy ; and it is surprising to see it given in standard works. 
 To smoke in the sense of discovering a fraud, or a secret, 
 etc., is radically the same word as the Anglo Saxon 
 smoeccan, to smell or taste, Ger. schmecken. The active 
 use of the organs of smell and taste is indicated. To smoke, 
 like a fire, etc. the neuter verb comes from Anglo Saxon 
 smiccan. The one word in our language represents two 
 distinct ideas. 
 
 Jockeys, who sell and let out horses ... ... ...412 
 
 The word had formerly this wider signification, although 
 now generally limited to the professional riders in horse 
 races. The account of the word commonly given is that 
 it is a diminutive of Jock or Jack : another example of 
 that hasty hap-hazard etymology which was common, be- 
 fore the principles of the science were rightly understood. 
 Why should Jockey rather than Jimmy or Billy come into 
 use in this sense ? The word in all probability is derived 
 from a Teutonic radical, which appears in all the English, 
 German and Norse dialects : jog, shog, shock ; Anglo- 
 Saxon, sceacan ; Ger., schaukeln ; Norse and Dan., jukka, 
 jukke, etc. The word would thus be pictorial, pointing 
 to the peculiar jogging, shaking movement of a rider on 
 horseback.
 
 428 Notes. 
 
 This was fighting a Man with his own Weapons ... 414 
 Lit, " You handsomely acted the Cretan towards a Cre- 
 tan." The ill-odour of the Cretans in the ancient Greek 
 world is indicated in several similar proverbs. St. Paul 
 quotes from " a prophet of their own," viz., the great seer 
 Epimenides, a verse in support of the charges against their 
 character : they were "liars, evil beasts, idle bellies." See 
 also Plato, Laws, book i. ; Callimachus, Hymn to Jove, 8, 
 etc. 
 
 Horse-courser ... ... ... ... ... ... 414 
 
 For locatorem, lender, letter-out. This application of the 
 word is unusual and appears to have passed away. 
 
 Irides ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 417 
 
 i. e., son of Irus. Irus is the public beggar introduced 
 in the i8th book of the Odyssey. " Misoponus : " " La- 
 bour-hating." 
 
 Apitius ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 417 
 
 The name of three notorious belly-worshippers at Rome, 
 one of whom lived in Sulla's time, the second under Au- 
 gustus and Tiberius, the third under Trajan. One of them 
 left a book on cookery. 
 
 The Goddess Laverna ... ... ... ... ... 418 
 
 She was the patroness of thieves, especially in the sense 
 of secret contri vers of fraud, at Rome. Horace (Ep. i. 16. 
 60) introduces the picture of a hypocrite who after offering 
 public sacrifice, and loudly calling on Janus and on Apollo, 
 gods of Light and Day, mutters under his breath the 
 following prayer : " Fair Laverna, grant me grace to deceive, 
 grace to appear a just and holy man ; cast the veil of night 
 over my sins, cover my frauds with a cloud i" One is 
 tempted to moralize upon the fact of so remarkable a wor- 
 ship having existed and been popular. Religion may be 
 connected, in fact, be founded upon any and every human 
 passion and instinct. Men idealize their desires, and then 
 worship them. They may be devout in their evil. There 
 are many modern worshippers at the altar of Laverna. 
 
 An Artist will live anywhere ... ... ... ... 419 
 
 More literally, " Every land feeds art." A Greek proverb.
 
 Notes." 429 
 
 There is another to the like effect, " Art is men's harbour 
 in misfortune." Of course the term art is used in the ori- 
 ginal sense of practical ability for particular work, skill, craft. 
 
 WJierever I find a hungry Sea-cob, I throw him out a 
 
 bait ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 419 
 
 Xapos Kcxrjvws, a. Greek commonplace. What bird is exactly 
 intended is not certain ; probably either a comorant or 
 sea-gull. In the word sea-cob it is not easy to trace the 
 appropriateness of the designation (cob, Anglo Saxon koppe, 
 head or top] to a bird. 
 
 The ToucJtstone ... ... ... ... ... ... 421 
 
 This was a dark-coloured schist, called lapis Lydius, the 
 Lydian stone, sometimes the Herculean stone, on which 
 gold when rubbed left a mark. In Greek a touchstone 
 was termed ftdo-avos ; and many proverbial sayings origi- 
 nated from the idea. Pliny xxxiii. 8 ; xxxvi. 20. 
 
 422 
 
 The latter part of this Colloquy hints at the. fearful evil 
 which mendicancy had become in the middle ages, and at 
 the growing feeling that repressive measures would become 
 necessary. The Catholic Church had taken beggars under 
 her peculiar protection, and the faithful made a practice of 
 lavishing thus upon them, not so much from the purer 
 motives of charity, as from a desire to benefit their own 
 souls. The recoil from this state of things was almost 
 equally terrible ; witness especially the penal legislation in 
 England under Henry VIII., Edward VI., and Elizabeth. 
 See Lecky, European Morals, ii., 960 ff. 
 
 TJie Fabulous Feast ... ... ... ... ... 424 
 
 For the benefit of the " English reader " it may be pointed 
 out that the names of the parties to this Colloquy are, as 
 in several others, characteristically descriptive : Polymythus, 
 " Story-teller ; " Gelasinus, " Laugher ; " Eutrapelus, " A 
 Wit ; " Astceus, (aorv), corresponding to Latin urbanus, 
 " Town-bred," lit, therefore "Clever ; " Philythlus, "Non- 
 sensical ; " Philogelos, " Laughter-loving ; " Euglottus, 
 " Smooth-tongued ; " Lerochares, " Delighter in trifles ; " 
 Adolesches, " Prater."
 
 43O Notes. 
 
 So ratJier ought a Feast to be witfwut Orders and a Pre- 
 sident.., ... ... ... ... ... ... 424 
 
 avapxov Kat avo/xov, lit., "rule-less and lawless." The ancient 
 custom was to have a symposiarch or ruler of the feast at 
 wine-parties : in Latin rex convivii or magister bibendi. 
 
 An usual Proverb, that has more Truth in 't than good 
 
 Latin, Novus Rex, nova lex ... ... ... 425 
 
 This is good Latin as it stands, but in the original it runs 
 " Novus Rex, novus lex : " a specimen of popular or dog 
 Latin. 
 
 Provided Regard be had to Probability and Decency ... 425 
 TO TriBavov Kai TrpeTTov, original. 
 
 May I have the liberty to speak three Words ? Eut. 
 
 WJtat do you like the Feast to be an tmlucky one ? .425 
 This is an allusion to the Roman legal custom of holding 
 certain days nefasti, or in a technical sense unlawful, on 
 which there was a cessation of public business ; and the 
 praetor, or magistrate, was not allowed to pronounce the 
 three words, Do, Dico, Addico. Hence the word nefastus 
 passed into the sense of unlucky, as in the text. It would 
 be better rendered, however, unlawful in this place, ac- 
 cording to the context. 
 
 Shot free ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 426 
 
 Escot, scot, and shot seem to be three forms of the same 
 word (Anglo Saxon sceat], denoting the proportion of pay- 
 ment, legal or otherwise, which falls to each. Hence the 
 legal expression, scot and lot. The radical idea is that of 
 something cast down. 
 
 Story of Agesilaus 426 
 
 See Plutarch's Lives for further stories of his sobriety. 
 
 The Marshal of the Hall 426 
 
 The " architriclinus," in original : the word used in the 
 New Testament for " ruler of the feast" The word 
 "marshal" has represented a variety of offices in the 
 course of its history. Etymologically and originally it 
 meant a horse-boy or ostler ; and in course of time, officials 
 employed in various charges in great households were 
 designated by this name.
 
 Notes. 43 1 
 
 John Botzemus, tJie Canon of Constance... ... ... 427 
 
 An esteemed friend of Erasmus. 
 
 Drink and Blow 427 
 
 See above, p. 393. 
 
 Boots and Shoes ... ... ... ... ... ... 428 
 
 Boot appears to have changed its signification. The root 
 is found in Anglo Saxon botan, to put something over an- 
 other ; hence abotan, about. The original meaning of 
 boot was a wrapping for the leg : leggings, gaiters, greaves. 
 So in text. 
 
 Tlie Statute of Rheims ... ... ... ... ... 429 
 
 This city was under episcopal government from the time 
 of Clovis down to the French Revolution ; and to this 
 government Guizot traces the origin of European civilisa- 
 tion. 
 
 The Shadow of tlie Ass .. ... ... ... ... 429 
 
 Alluding to Demosthenes' amusing story, in satire of foolish 
 litigation, concerning the owner and the borrower of an 
 ass, who went to the courts on the question whether the 
 borrower was entitled to lie down in the shadow of the 
 animal. 
 
 TJie Fishmongers' Fair and the Butchers' Time to be 
 
 starved ... ... ... ... ... ... 429 
 
 A witty circumlocution for the Lenten season. 
 
 Born under a lucky Planet ... ... T. . ... 430 
 
 Lit, " under the favour of Mercury : " as above, the 
 patron of tricksters and thieves. 
 
 Tale with an Epilogue .... one with a Prologue . . . 430 
 Lit, " with a coronis .... with a proem" The coronis 
 was the curving nourish of the pen with which transcribers 
 finished the copy of a poem. The proem, a musical term, 
 like prelude, stands of course for preface. 
 
 A Surplice, tJie chief Vestment usd in performing 
 
 Divine Service ... ... ... ... ... 430 
 
 " Summa vestis," original, the uppermost vestment. Pallium 
 is the word in original.
 
 432 Notes. 
 
 Monstrous Rogues ... ... ... ... ... 431 
 
 Lit, " such portents I" Erasmus seems to have borrowed 
 this sense of the word from Cicero, who describes P. 
 Clodius as "a fatal portent and prodigy of the State" 
 (Pis. iv.) ; and Gabinius and Piso as " two portents and all 
 but funerals to the State ! " (Prov. Cons, i.) 
 
 Fool's Paradise ... ... ... ... ... ... 433 
 
 Limbus fatuorum. According to the notions of the School- 
 men, there were limbi, or states intermediate between 
 heaven and hell, reserved (i) for the patriarchs ; (2) for 
 unbaptized infants ; (3) for fools and other irresponsibles. 
 
 Coal instead of a Treasure ... ... ... ... 433 
 
 See above. 
 
 Lewis, who us'd to take a Pleasure in tricking Tricksters 434 
 " In deceiving gaping Crows," according to original. Many 
 readers will recall the striking manner in which Sir W. Scott 
 has exhibited the traits of Louis's character in his Quentin 
 Durward. 
 
 TJie King .... perceived Jie was no BlockJiead ... ... 43 5 
 
 Lit, " That he was not altogether of sinister disposition : " 
 sinister in the sense of left-handed, loutish, stupid. 
 
 Letters patent ... ... ... ... ... ... 436 
 
 In original, " diplomata," on which see above, p. 384. Let- 
 ters patent are of course opposed to those closed and 
 sealed; they* are on open sheets bearing the sovereign's 
 seal and sign-manual. Their contents are to be known to 
 all. 
 The Embassador ... ... ... ... ... ... 436 
 
 The word is supposed to be of Teutonic origin ; and both 
 modes of spelling appear to have prevailed from the first. 
 That with the A is the more correct It is curious that at 
 present the spelling of ambassador and embassy should re- 
 main diverse. 
 
 When tJie Maid was gone out of the Way, Jie makes off 
 with one of tJie Brass Pots ... ... ... ... 438 
 
 This reminds one of the humourous incident of Caleb Bal- 
 derston's Raid in Scott's Bride of Lammermoor. In a note
 
 Notes. 433 
 
 Sir Walter says that it was founded on facts related to him 
 by a friend with circumstantiality this, in reply to a 
 charge against its extravagance. Erasmus's story is perhaps 
 more extravagant, and may be equally true. 
 
 The Pawnbroker ... ... ... ... ... ... 438 
 
 " Foenerator," original. Bailey renders the same word by 
 usurer and pawn-broker ; the callings seem formerly to have 
 been identical. The history of pawn-broking, and the sign 
 of the three golden balls from the arms of the Medici of 
 Florence; and their association with Lombard Street, still 
 the great haunt of money-lenders, is interesting. 
 
 WJiere was you drag'd tip, at Hog's Norton f ... ... 440 
 
 A bit of spice added by the translator. Lit, " Where did 
 you learn those manners of yours ? " Hog's Norton is a 
 village in Oxfordshire. The name appears to be corrupt 
 for Hoch or High Norton, and of itself gave rise to the 
 legend of the boorishness of the people. 
 
 Talk of the Devil, and he'll appear ... ... ... 440 
 
 Lit., " The Wolf in the Fable," see above, p. 383. 
 
 A Theological Dinner . . . . a melancholy entertainment 
 
 indeed ... ... ... ... ... ... 440 
 
 Lit, "You promise a Scythian banquet." The epithet 
 Scythian was proverbially applied by the Greeks to what was 
 harsh, dull and barbarous, as opposed to their own joyous 
 and cultivated way of life. Erasmus might have alluded 
 to the Thracians, when speaking of a theological feast; 
 for they, according to Horace, fought over their cups ! 
 Carm. i., 27. 
 
 The Knocker, (called a Crow) tied up in a white Cloth. .. 442 
 The corvus or crow refers to the usual shape of the knocker. 
 The custom of tying up the knocker (in a wedding glove) 
 at the house of an accouchee has come down to our day. 
 
 A Quandary ... ... ... ... ... ... 442 
 
 A very amusing word in its origin. It is said to be an English 
 corruption of the French Qu'en dirai-je ? "what shall I say 
 about it " an ejaculation of perplexity. It seems to have 
 come into use in the seventeenth century ; is found in 
 VOL. II. E E
 
 434 Notes. 
 
 Beaumont and Fletcher. It would be interesting to know 
 if there is any anecdote or incident to account for its com- 
 ing into use. 
 
 Christiernus, King of Denmark, etc. ... ... ... 443 
 
 Christiern II. who has been called the Nero of the North : 
 he was driven from the throne of Sweden by Gustavus Vasa, 
 and afterwards from that of Denmark by his subjects, 1523. 
 He died in prison, 1559. Francis I., after the battle of 
 Pavia, 1525, was kept prisoner at Madrid by Charles V. 
 He was set at liberty in 1526, on signing a treaty renoun- 
 cing Naples, the Milanese, Genoa, Flanders and Artois. 
 Ferdinand I., brother of Charles V., was crowned King of 
 Hungary and Bohemia, 1527. He succeeded Charles in 
 the Empire, 1558. These dates may refresh the memory 
 of the historical reader, and call to mind the state of Europe 
 at the time Erasmus was writing. Since the Turks had in 
 1453 taken Constantinople, they had become the anxiety 
 and terror of Europe. The migration of distinguished 
 Greek scholars, Chrysoloras and others to Italy, during this 
 period, is an important and interesting fact in connexion 
 with the revival of Letters. 
 
 Chris fs seamless Coat is rent asunder on all Sides . . . 443 
 The " seamless coat of Jesus " is a favourite metaphor with 
 ecclesiastical writers for the unity of the church. Perhaps 
 it may not be impertinent to remark that the metaphor ap- 
 pears to be neither Scriptural nor appropriate. The Body 
 rather than the Coat of Christ the body not a bone of 
 which was broken designates, in St. Paul, the unity of the 
 church. The seamless coat however, better answers to 
 the doctrine of so-called " Catholic " unity, or rather uni- 
 formity. 
 
 Artists use to be most exquisite in tJieir later Perfor- 
 mances ... ... ... ... ... ... /m 
 
 Lit, " Are wont to surpass themselves, etc." An anticipa- 
 tion of Burns's sentiment concerning Nature : 
 " Her 'prentice hand she tried on man, 
 And then she made the lasses, O ! "
 
 Notes. 435 
 
 Horace's Saying takes place here 449 
 
 See Ep. i. 2. 69 : "A jar will long retain the odour of the 
 liquid with which when new it was once impregnated." 
 
 The Body of an Ass, as it happened to Apuleius ... 450 
 On the story of the man metamorphosed into an ass, re- 
 taining the thoughts and feelings of humanity, as told by 
 Lucian and Apuleius, see above, p. 412. 
 
 As much as Darnel does to a clear Eye-Sight ... ... 450 
 
 For this ancient notion, see Plautus, Mil. ii. 3, 50 ; Ovid, 
 Fast. i. 691, " let the fields be free from darnel that spoils 
 the eyes." 
 
 An Alembick ... ... ... ... ... ... 452 
 
 An Arabic word. A still or chemical retort. 
 Why does Coriander help tlie Memory? Why does 
 Hellebore purge the Memory ? ... ... ... 45 2 
 
 This very ancient notion of particular herbs being specifics 
 against certain diseases appears to have been exploded by 
 modern science. One of the chief uses of hellebore amongst 
 the Greeks was as an antidote to madness. So Horace (Ser. 
 ii. 3. 82) proposes to give the largest dose of it to misers : 
 perhaps a whole Anticyra of it, alluding to the place of its 
 noted growth. 
 
 God and Angels are Spirits, but we feel the Spirit ... 453 
 This as it stands is not clear. The meaning turns on the 
 original sense of spiritus, Lat. (Trvcv/xa), which is simply 
 wind, breath. Fabulla means that a breath is something 
 to be felt Hence the disputed sense of psalm civ. 4. " He 
 maketh his angels spirits," or " He maketh the winds his 
 angels or messengers." 
 
 The Garment of Hercules informs us how much a Gar- 
 ment contributes to tJte Health of the Body ... 453 
 Alluding to the vest sent to Hercules by the centaur 
 Nessus, and which consumed his body. 
 
 Ttiat Question, whether one and the same Soul is capable 
 of wearing out many Bodies, it shall be left to 
 Pythagoras ... ... ... ... ... ... 453 
 
 Alluding to the famous Pythagorean doctrine of the trans- 
 migration of souls.
 
 436 Notes. 
 
 o-<afjM as though it were a-rj^a ... ... ... ... 454 
 
 tn//ia, a tomb. A poor play on words. 
 
 They whose Minds are not taken up with tJie love of 
 corporeal Things, dwell in a tent, and are ready to 
 come forth as soon as the Commander calls ... 454 
 
 Something resembling this beautiful idea is ascribed to 
 Pythagoras in Cicero, De Senec. xx. He forbade men to 
 depart from their guard or station in life without the order 
 of their Commander. Plato used similar dissuasives from 
 suicide in the Phaedo. 
 
 There's no going out before the Landlord calls out ... 455 
 " Just as a landlord, who has not received his rent, pulls 
 down the doors, removes the rafters, and fills up the well, 
 so I seem to be driven out of this little body, when Nature 
 who has let it to me takes away one by one, eyes and ears, 
 hands and feet. I will not therefore delay longer but will 
 cheerfully depart as from a banquet. Musonius in Sto- 
 baeus. See also Seneca, Ep. Iviii. 
 
 If we can give any Credit to the Fables of Socrates, 
 their Wings were broken by their falling from 
 Jieaven. 
 
 See the Phaedrus. The idea of Socrates is however rather 
 that of the wings decaying and perishing and so being lost 
 to the soul during the present fallen and mortal state. 
 
 The Soul is the Act of an Organical, Physical Body, 
 
 having Life in Potentia ... ... ... ...456 
 
 See Aristotle, De Anima ii. i. The English word act (for 
 actus Lat.) inadequately represents the Greek evrc/Xr^cto, 
 the Entelechy, or realization of what was previously only 
 Swa/ii?, or potentiality. Fabulla's question, "Why does he 
 rather call it an Act than a. Journey or Way ? " alludes to 
 a lawyer's distinction. 
 
 College of Sages ... ... ... ... ... ... 457 
 
 " Sapientum centuriae," <( the centuries (in the Roman 
 military sense) of wise men," original. 
 
 Sense in Timber-Trees, etc. ... ... ... ...458 
 
 It would be interesting to have some verification of the
 
 Notes. 43 7 
 
 fact mentioned if indeed it be a fact of external nature, 
 not an illusion of the imagination. The phenomena of 
 climbing plants observed by Darwin certainly appear un- 
 distinguishable from these of intelligence. Science still 
 appears unable to draw a sharp line of demarcation between 
 the vegetable and animal world. The above is from 
 Pliny, Natural History, xxiv., i. 
 
 You philosophise very bluntly ... ... ... ... 459 
 
 " Pingui Miner/a," " rough mother-wit," original. Hor. 
 Ser. ii. 2, 3 : " Rusticus, abnormis sapiens, crassaque 
 Minerva." 
 
 Greek Etymology of Mrjrrjp from fjurj rvjpelv, i. e., from 
 
 not looking after ... ... ... ... ... 462 
 
 If this etymology was intended for a joke, it is a very poor 
 one. It is possible that Erasmus intended it seriously, for 
 in his day the science of the subject was not yet even in 
 its infancy. M^rrjp with the kindred words in various Indo- 
 European dialects is probably derived from the Sanskrit 
 ma, to make. Max Miiller, Oxford Essays, 1856, p. 14, sq. 
 
 She shall be saved in Child-bearing ... ... ... 463 
 
 o-w^crerat B Sia TT}S reKi/oyovias, I Tim., ii. 15, "through 
 her child-bearing." Alford's sensible note is worth quoting : 
 " The construction of the sentence is precisely as in i Cor., 
 iii. 15, "but he himself shall be saved, yet so as through 
 fire." Just as that man should be saved through, as pass- 
 ing through fire which is his trial, his hindrance in his way, 
 in spite of which he escapes, so shall she be saved, 
 through, as passing through her child-bearing, which is her 
 trial, her curse (Gen. iii., 16) her (not means of salvation 
 but) hindrance in the way of it." Of course there has 
 been a variety of forced explanations of Texvoyona, from 
 the Fathers downwards. 
 
 / worit discJiarge you till you Itave finished the good 
 
 Service tttat you have begun ... ... ... 464 
 
 There is a pretty pleasantry here, obliterated in the trans- 
 lation. Eutrapelus says, " Consider me as your man- 
 cipium, or bond-slave" " Very well," replies Fabulla, " I 
 shall not manumit you until, etc." On the Roman cere- 
 mony of manumission, see Smith's Diet. Ant.
 
 438 
 
 NO TES. 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 What strange Dress is this ? ... ... ... Page 2 
 
 A description of the attire of the middle-age Pilgrim fol- 
 lows. The silver scallop-shells embroidered on the coat 
 are said to point back to the use of these shells as drinking- 
 cups in Palestine. The tin and lead images were memen- 
 toes of various shrines : Louis XI. is depicted by Scott 
 wearing a number of them round his hat. The rosary 
 (so-called because the string of beads given by the Virgin 
 to Dominic scented of roses) was hung upon the right arm ; 
 called " snakes' eggs " in text, because the latter cohere 
 when laid, like a string of beads. 
 
 A Visit to St. James at Compostella^ and after that to 
 the famous Virgin on the other Side of the Water 
 in England ... ... ... ... ... ... 2 
 
 The shrine of Compostella in Galicia owed its celebrity to 
 the legend of the discovery of St. James's body there. The 
 scallop-shell was peculiarly the emblem of pilgrims to this 
 shrine. 
 
 " And how should I know your true love 
 From many an other one ? 
 O by his scallop-shell and hat, 
 And by his sandal shoon." 
 
 Friar of Orders Gray. 
 
 There are other (fabulous) explanations of the associations 
 of the shell. Its real origin is probably to be traced to its 
 primitive usage as a cup. Pilgrims wear it as a badge in 
 Japan at this day. The fact that seventeen English peers 
 and eight baronets carry scallop-shells in their arms is a 
 curious memorial of the fame of St. James of Compostella. 
 The custom of " Grotto " among the street-boys of London,
 
 Notes. 439 
 
 observed on old St. James's day, August 5th, is still more 
 interesting to antiquarian feeling. 
 
 Fobbing tJte Saints off ... ... ... ... ... 3 
 
 Lit, " Smearing your face before the saints," something 
 like "rubbing the face" ( os perfricare ) for impudence. Fob, 
 or fob off (Ger. foppen, to jeer, rally) for making game of 
 another was formerly classical English. 
 
 The Discharge sent to St. &gidius ... ... ... 4 
 
 The story is told of Charles the Great, that despairing of 
 the pardon of his sins, St. Aegidius obtained a note from 
 an angel containing this verse : sEgidii merito Caroli peccata 
 remitto. 
 
 Stones that are infamous for this, t/tat they can't keep a 
 
 Secret ... ... ... ... ... ... 4 
 
 An allusion to the Lydian touchstone. See above, p. 429. 
 
 Bubby 4 
 
 Bub, bubby, bubble, bobble, bubukle (Shakespeare) appear 
 to be different forms of one word, denoting any wart-like 
 swelling or excrescence. 
 
 Go Snips with him ... ... ... ... ... 5 
 
 To snip, to cut off short ; cf. snap, knap, nip. Dutch 
 snippen, German schnippen. Hence to go snips, to go 
 shares with another. 
 
 " Pray, sir, let me go snips with you in this lye, 
 And be not too covetous of honour ! " 
 
 Dryden, An Evenings Love, Act v. 
 TJie Virgin beyond Sea ... ... ... ... ... 8 
 
 The shrine indicated is the far-famed one of our Lady of 
 Walsingham, in Norfolk. By some strange mistake, its 
 situation is described in text as " at the extreme end of 
 England, between the West " (instead of East) " and 
 North" At the time of Erasmus' writing, this shrine was 
 at the full height of its popularity. 
 
 There is a clever neat Church, but tlie Virgin does not 
 dwell in it herself ; but upon Point of Honour has 
 
 given it to her Son In that unfinished Church, 
 
 that I spoke of, there is a little boarded Chapel, etc. . 8, 9 
 The Chapel was founded in 1061 by the widow of Ricoldie
 
 440 Notes. 
 
 de Faverches. It was said to be an exact reproduction of 
 the Santa Casa or home of Mary at Nazareth ; from a pas- 
 sage farther on, p. 1 2, it would appear that a legend grew 
 up, representing it to be the actual house itself. Three 
 hundred years later, a similar legend prevailed with regard 
 to the chapel at Loretto, said to have been carried by 
 angels from Nazareth. The fine church referred to was 
 built in 1420. The shrine was visited by several English 
 kings : Henry VII., Edward I. and Edward II. made the 
 pilgrimage. Henry VIII. walked thither barefoot to pre- 
 sent a costly necklace to the Virgin. The emperor Charles 
 V., when he desired to confer with Wolsey, made the pil- 
 grimage a pretext for his visit. The shrine was broken up 
 and despoiled by Henry in 1538. 
 
 The holy Wells 16 
 
 The belief in their medicinal virtue declined in course of 
 time and they became converted into " wishing-wells. " 
 The votary knelt on a stone between the two wells, placed 
 a hand in each, up to the wrist, drank as much of the water 
 as he could collect, and breathed his wish. These wells 
 are still shown. The reader will find an article on Wal- 
 singham in that excellent compilation, Chambers's Book 
 of Days, vol ii., p. 1 74. 
 
 As your Homer says, my Heart was e'en sunk into my 
 
 Breeches ... ... ... ... ... ... 16 
 
 Ilapa Trocri. KaTrrrecre 0v/tos, 
 
 II. XV. 280. 
 
 " Their spirit fell to their feet." 
 But are tJiere Days in Purgatory ? ... ... ... 1 8 
 
 Lit, " Is there Day in the infernal regions ? " A catch on 
 the double sense of day as opposed to night, and as a 
 portion of time. 
 
 The Chapel Officers ... ... ... ... ... 19 
 
 Lit., "The Mystagogues," who in Greece initiated wor- 
 shippers into the sacred mysteries. 
 
 All the Gold in Tagus ... ... ... ... ... 21 
 
 One of the legendary auriferous streams, like Pactolus ; 
 the notion being probably derived from the colour of the 
 soil.
 
 Notes. 44 1 
 
 St. Christopher at Paris. .. ... ... ... ... 21 
 
 On this famous colossal statue, see above, pp. 407-8. 
 
 Him of a Cart-load ... ... ... ... ... 21 
 
 A common Greek figure of speech for anything excessively 
 big. 
 
 The toad-stone ... ... ... ... ... ... 21 
 
 French, crapaudine. 
 
 22 
 
 For the passage on stones and their resemblances to 
 natural objects, compare Pliny De Gemmis. The grotesque 
 and mimetic element in Nature, exhibited also in the 
 forms of orchids, etc., is a subject worthy of more atten- 
 tion than it has yet received. 
 
 Three Stone Statues of Men in Armour, etc. ... ... 26 
 
 Reginald Fitz-Urse, William de Tracy, and Richard Brito 
 or the Breton, are named as having taken the most active 
 part in the assassination of the archbishop. There was a 
 fourth conspirator, Hugh de Moreville. The scene is 
 described with characteristic picturesqueness in Dean 
 Stanley's " Historical Memorials of Canterbury." 
 
 William War ham the Archbishop ... ... ... 28 
 
 Erasmus' best friend and patron. Wareham appointed 
 him to the living of Aldington, in Kent, prevailing over 
 the scholar's scruples against accepting the benefice (while 
 unable to discharge parochial duties from ignorance of the 
 language), by providing otherwise for the cure of souls, 
 and charging it with an annual pension of 100 crowns to 
 Erasmus. The archbishop was a man of humour and of 
 most amiable social qualities, as well as industrious in his 
 official duties ; and appears to have conceived a very 
 warm affection for Erasmus. He made him other large 
 presents of money. In his letters, our scholar has done 
 justice to the character of his friend. To Leo X. he 
 describes him as " a person who for learning, piety, epis- 
 copal virtue, and desire to promote literature, was not 
 equalled in England." To the Abbot of St. Berlin : " Of 
 those who are kind to me, I place Wareham, the Arch- 
 bishop of Canterbury, in the first place. What genius ! 
 What copiousness ! What vivacity ! What facility in the
 
 442 Notes. 
 
 most complicated discussions ! What erudition ! What 
 politeness ! What gentleness ! From Wareham none ever 
 parted in sorrow. This conduct would do honour to a 
 monarch. With all these qualities, how great is Wareham's 
 humility, how edifying his modesty ! He alone is ignorant 
 of his eminence ; no one is more faithful or more constant 
 in friendship." Wareham, on his part, said to Erasmus : 
 "I have received from you that immortality which em- 
 perors and kings cannot bestow." 
 
 The Scotch Divinity ... ... ... ... ... 31 
 
 Scotica Theologia, or the theology of Scotus. Concerning 
 the two great Schoolmen who bore this surname, see 
 above, p 421. 
 
 TJte Parathalassian Virgin ... ... ... ... 32 
 
 i. e., The Virgin beyond the sea, our Lady of Walsingham. 
 
 Chaloupe ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 33 
 
 " Cymba," original. A skiff or long boat, shallop. 
 
 A Conventicle of poor Men ... ... ... ... 35 
 
 A conventicle is a littte convent. The term was originally 
 applied to a faction of monks resisting the selection of a 
 new abbot, etc. It is not difficult to trace the process of 
 thought by which it came to designate dissenters' meeting- 
 houses. There is an analogy here between conventicle and 
 chapel. 
 
 My Roman Stations ... ... ... ... ... 37 
 
 The various churches and altars in Rome, the tour of which 
 was one of the great achievements of the middle-age pil- 
 grims. See a very interesting Tract published by the early 
 English Tract Society, edited by F. J. Furnivall, M.A., 
 " The Stacions of Rome (in verse from the Vernon MS., 
 ab. 1370 A.D., and in prose from the Porkington MS., No. 
 10, ab. 1460-70 A.D.) 1867." 
 
 'I%0vo(f>ayia, On the eating of Fish ... ... ... 38 
 
 The object of the Colloquy is to distinguish between pre- 
 scriptions of human authority, and divine laws. To make 
 a fishmonger and a butcher discuss such questions together 
 may appear at first sight somewhat inappropriate. We must 
 bear in mind, however, that the popular mind was
 
 Notes. 443 
 
 thoroughly aroused at this stirring epoch, in the North of 
 Europe especially, to the importance of these questions. 
 Erasmus says in his defence of the utility of the Colloquies 
 that they were being everywhere discussed by this sort of 
 persons. He probably selected such for this colloquy for 
 the sake of a broad and lively treatment of the subject It 
 is nevertheless very tedious to a modern reader : the opi- 
 nions discussed having ceased to excite interest or occasion 
 dispute amongst rational men. We suppose the coarse- 
 nesses of parts of this dialogue must be tolerated on some 
 plea of artistic realism ; but they are excessively disagree- 
 able. 
 
 A Dispensation of the College of Cardinals coming out 39 
 According to original, " an edict from the Roman Senate," 
 an illustration of the long prevalence of the names and 
 forms of the Roman Republic carried over into the 
 Catholic Church long after the reality had melted away. 
 
 TJie Kettle calls tJie Pot Black- A rse ... ... ... 40 
 
 A coarse paraphrase of the original : " the blind man casts 
 abuse at the one-eyed." 
 
 You are very smart upon me, but what you say is very 
 
 silly ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 40 
 
 Lit, you are thoroughly salt (salsus, sharp, facetious), 
 although your speech is saltless (insulsa, unsalted, insipid.) 
 
 The Falling Sickness ... ... ... ... ... 44 
 
 Epilepsy, the sufferer from which is prone to fall suddenly 
 to the ground. 
 " Brutus. He hath the falling sickness. 
 
 Cassius. No, Ccesar hath it not : but you and I, and 
 honest Casca, we have the falling-sickness." 
 
 Shakespeare, Julius C&sar, i., 2. 
 
 You don't believe that Dolphins carry Men on their 
 Backs... ... ... ... ... ... ... 46 
 
 An allusion to the charming Greek myth of Arion, who on 
 his way home to Corinth from Sicily, whence he was re- 
 turning laden with prizes and presents from a musical con- 
 test, having excited the greed of the crew, obtained per- 
 mission to play once more upon his lyre. Dolphins were
 
 444 Notes. 
 
 attracted round the prow ; and when he plunged into the 
 sea, one of them carried Arion on his back to Taenarus, 
 whence he escaped to Corinth. The detection of the 
 would-be murderers followed on their arrival. 
 
 We dip Children . ... all over in cold Water ... ... 50 
 
 The Catholic church recognises that the ancient mode of 
 baptism was by immersion. Such is the radical meaning 
 of the word. Affusion pouring or sprinkling appears to 
 have been substituted from considerations of humanity and 
 convenience. The rubric in the Book of Common Prayer 
 directs the Priest " to dip it in the water discreetly and 
 warily : " " But if they certify that the child is weak, it shall 
 suffice to pour water upon it, etc." 
 
 Pope Clement ... ... ... ... ... ... 53 
 
 This was Clement VII., who had just been elected, 1523. 
 He was a natural son of Julian de Medici. He formed the 
 " Holy League " between Henry VIII. and Francis I. ; 
 and was himself besieged in the Castle St. Angelo by 
 Charles V's, troops. On the marriage of Henry with Ann 
 Boleyn, Clement issued a bill of excommunication against 
 him, which led to the separation of the English church from 
 Rome. 
 
 That mischievous A te, etc. ... ... ... ... 54 
 
 In the earlier forms of the myth, Ate was especially the 
 divinity of mischief, and was hurled from Olympus in 
 punishment of her tricks. In the tragedians the idea 
 passes into that of Guilt bringing sorrow and bane after it. 
 
 Francis and Charles ... ... ... ... ... 54 
 
 Erasmus is evidently anxious to speak well of both these 
 great rivals, who vied with each other in their endeavours 
 to patronize him. In 1517, Charles invited Erasmus to 
 his court at Brussels, and settled on him a pension of 300 
 livres. In the same year, the great scholar Budaeus was 
 instructed to write to Erasmus on behalf of Francis, in- 
 viting him to Paris to assist in forming a college for the 
 study of the three languages, similar to that recently estab- 
 lished at Louvain. It appears that Erasmus loved his in- 
 dependance too dearly to permit him to accept the offer.
 
 Notes. 445 
 
 His letter to Francis on the subject, in which he takes 
 occasion to plead for peaceful counsels among princes, re- 
 flects great credit on his character ; as does that which he 
 wrote to Charles after the battle of Pavia (1525), interceding 
 for his prisoner Francis, a noble effusion ; and that again 
 to Francis, congratulating him on the recovery of his 
 liberty. 
 
 Councils ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 58 
 
 The Council of Basle, 1431-1443. The Council of Con- 
 stance, 1414. The "late Lateran Council" referred to 
 was that held in 1517. These were all (Ecumenical Coun- 
 cils, of which down to the present day, twelve Western, 
 nine Eastern, have been held. Much of the freedom 
 which Erasmus permits himself in discussing ecclesiastical 
 matters is explained, when we recollect that he wrote in 
 the period immediately preceding the great Council of 
 Trent, 1545-1563, which stereotyped Catholic doctrine. 
 
 Homer's Lies ... ... ... ... ... ... 62 
 
 Alluding probably to the severe criticism which Socrates 
 passes on Homer in Plato's Republic, for representing the 
 immortal gods as subject to human passions, and thus 
 degrading religious conceptions in the minds of youth. 
 
 WJien a Divine Law can give way to Necessity, why 
 
 does not this Human Law give way to it ? ... 62 
 
 Lit., " Why does this human law act the part of Terminus, 
 deigning to yield to none?" The allusion is to the proud 
 myth of the Romans, that when the temple of Jupiter was 
 founded on the Capitol, all gave place to him and Juno, 
 except Terminus (" Boundary ") and Juventus (" Youth"): 
 signifying that the power of Rome was never to cease 
 from youth and growth. It is an interesting fact that 
 Erasmus had, engraved on a seal-ring presented to him by 
 his pupil, the young Archbishop of St Andrew's, a figure 
 of Terminus, with the motto, Concedo nulli, " I give place 
 to none ! " 
 
 As tJte Antients said, in lente unguentum ... ... 66 
 
 " An unguent with lentils," a Greek proverb for incon- 
 gruity, unseasonableness in the association of ideas.
 
 446 Notes. 
 
 As Horace says, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 67 
 
 See OcL, iii. 3, i. 
 
 Doli capax. .. ... ... ... ... ... ... 68 
 
 There is a play on this expression which has already been 
 used by the preceding speaker, and rendered " at Years of 
 Discretion." It also admits the meaning attached to it by 
 the second speaker, " easy to be imposed upon." The 
 expression was a Roman legal phrase, the word dolus, 
 (device, artifice, craft), having like other words become 
 insensibly degraded in later times into a bad signification. 
 See Festus, sub voc. 
 
 TJie Herb Rocket 69 
 
 Rocket seems to be a corruption of eruca, the Latin name 
 for some species of colewort Ovid has the notion of the 
 text concerning its properties, " salaces erucae, bulbi," Ar. 
 Am. 799. Pliny, Nat Hist, xx., 13. 
 
 TJiat every Parish Priest every Year purchase, etc. ... 74 
 " Twice a year," according to original. 
 
 Rabin Druin ... ... ... ... ... ... 76 
 
 A middle-age designation of the devil Rabuino, rabouin, 
 from the Spanish rabo, a tail From a confusion of this 
 word with the Jewish title Rabbin, a notion sprang up that 
 Jews were born into the world with tails ! 
 
 A pair of Sheers ... ... ... ... ... ... 76 
 
 " An axe of Tenedos," according to original 
 
 Drunk as a Lord... ... ... ... ... ... 78 
 
 An embellishment of the translator's. 
 Set the whole Town into an Uproar ... ... ... 78 
 
 Lit., " Stir up Tyrian seas : " a somewhat out-of-the-way 
 ancient proverb for raising tumults. Festus Pomp, explains 
 it as alluding to the bold navigation of the Phoenicians, 
 Tyre being one of their most famous cities. 
 
 Seeing a Canon .... without a Surplice under his Gown 79 
 A strange blunder of translator. It should be, " who had 
 not his linen garment covered by a black cloak." 
 
 Status Qualitatis . . . ... ... ... ... ... 80 
 
 Where the act is defended as justifiable. " Status Trans-
 
 Notes. 447 
 
 lationis," Where the guilt is admitted, but thrown upon 
 another. 
 Vine Leaves and Wands. .. ... ... ... ... 82 
 
 (Or thyrsi ) : the emblems of Bacchus' worship. 
 
 To what Shifts should we be driven ? 83 
 
 Lit, " What need for a lemma ! " In Logic, an assumption. 
 Aristotle, Top. viii., i, 8. 
 
 Gerson ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 85 
 
 John Gerson, the famous canon and chancellor of Paris 
 (1363-1429). At the Council of Constance he distin- 
 guished himself by the eloquence with which he maintained 
 the superiority of the synod over the Pope. 
 
 Vinegar-College. That 's a Name of Wisdom... ... 90 
 
 " Ecquid habet aceti in pectore," " Has he vinegar in his 
 bosom ? " Plautus, Ps. ii., 4, 49. For sharp, shrewd wit. 
 The allusion is Montague College at Paris, where Erasmus 
 studied 1496. Montague or Montacute is from the Latin 
 mons acutus, which was the heraldic device of the family. 
 The pun on acutus and acetum is poor enough. 
 
 A Man that is sick is more ready to remember St. 
 
 Rochus or Dionysius, etc. ... ... ... ... 96 
 
 St. Roche or Roque, a saint of the fourteenth century. 
 He wrought miracles upon the plague-stricken at Placentia, 
 while himself suffering from that disease ; hence was re- 
 garded as the protector of such sufferers. St. Dionysius, 
 or Denis, the patron saint of France (third century). The 
 legend of his carrying his decapitated head appears to 
 have grown out of a picture representing him, so that he 
 might be recognised, with his head in his hands. 
 
 / would return this Proverb upon them, Saepe etiam est 
 
 olitor valde opportune loquutus ... ... ... 98 
 
 " Many a time has even a market-gardener spoken much 
 to the purpose : " from Aulus Gellius. A learned butcher 
 indeed ! Cicero : " There is often wisdom beneath a dirty 
 cloak." " A fool often speaks to the purpose." 
 
 Tropkonius's Cave ... ... ... ... ... 99 
 
 Trophonius, the Boeotian hero, had an oracular cave near
 
 448 Notes. 
 
 Lebadea. The entrance was so narrow that the visitor had 
 to lie on his back with his feet to the entrance ; he was then 
 drawn in by an unseen force. He made his exit in the same 
 manner, pale and aghast. Hence the Greek proverb, " he 
 has visited the cave of Trophonius " for any one in distress, 
 or melancholy disorder. 
 
 Never was any Man so nettled ... ... ... ... 103 
 
 Lit., " You would say you had caught a cicada by the 
 wing," from the aggravation of his clamour. A Greek 
 proverb. 
 
 / will make a better Batchelor than yoti, of a Bean-Stalk 103 
 The practice of making not only hats, but likewise cloaks 
 from straw is indirectly alluded to. On the other hand 
 nothing could be woven out of brittle bean-stalks. The 
 phrase seems to have been a popular proverbial one. 
 
 St. Martin no Bachelor ... ... ... ... ... 104 
 
 This famous confessor, bishop of Tours in the fourth cen- 
 tury, was originally a soldier, his father being a Roman 
 military tribune. Hence Martin is sometimes called the 
 soldier-saint. 
 
 Orders of Friars ... ... ... ... ... ...105 
 
 The four principal orders were : the Dominicans (Black, 
 also termed Friars major) ; the Franciscans (Grey, termed 
 Friars minor) ; the Augustines and the Carmelites ( White.) 
 The later fifth order referred to was that of the Trinitarians 
 also termed Cruciferi, from the Cross embroidered on 
 their dress. Hence the corruption Crunched Friars. 
 
 The Habit of a Beguin ... ... ... ... ... 107 
 
 So called from their head-dress. Shakespeare, Ben Jon- 
 son, etc., use biggen for a homely old woman's cap. See 
 Richardson's Dictionary. There is a large Beguinage at 
 Ghent, which the visitor is expected to "do" as one of the 
 sights of the city. 
 
 There's no catching old Birds with Chaff ... ... 107 
 
 Lit., "There's no catching the old vixen (she-fox) in a net." 
 Another proverb is, " There's no taking the fox in the net 
 twice." " Once bit, twice shy."
 
 Notes. 449 
 
 As willingly as an Ass takes his Burden ... ... 109 
 
 Horace : " I let down my ears like an ill-tempered ass, 
 when the burden comes down somewhat heavily on his 
 back." Ser. i. 9, 20. 
 
 Purest Marble ... ... ... ... ... ... no 
 
 Lit, "Parian Marble." 
 
 Onocrotalus ... ... ... ... ... ... no 
 
 A pelican. The description appears to be satirical : " boars 
 heads Or in a Field Argent" placing one metal upon 
 another, would be vicious heraldry. 
 
 A Chimaera ... ... ... ... ... . . . 1 1 o 
 
 Original, " chimerae." An allusion to the Homeric de- 
 scription of the monster, " lion in front, serpent behind, 
 goat in the middle," II. vi., 179. x4 tul P ameans originally 
 a she-goat. Cicero terms a letter the substance of which 
 does not hang well together, a chimaera. 
 
 They had both of them their Pipes open, . . ... ...113 
 
 An elegant paraphrase of the original pulcre vocalis, " finely 
 vocal ! " 
 
 The ringing of Bells ... ... ... ... ... 116 
 
 There is much of antiquarian interest in campanology. 
 Bells seem to have originated about the seventh century. 
 It is difficult to say how the notion of the efficacy of the 
 bell in driving away evil spirits, pestilences, etc., arose. 
 The passing or soul-bell rung when a person was in extre- 
 mis, seems to have had a religious purpose, distinct from 
 that of giving intimation to friends and calling for prayer 
 on behalf of the departing one. There is an old distich on 
 the church-bell : 
 
 Funera plango, fulgurafrango, sabbata pangv, 
 
 Excito lentos, dissipo ventos, paco cruentos. 
 
 Death's tale I tell, the winds dispel, ill-feeling quell, 
 
 The slothful shake, the storm-clouds break, the Sabbath 
 wake. Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. 
 
 On the preceding Colloquy Erasmus' remarks in explana- 
 tion and defence should be read. The form of vanity 
 which he here satirizes appears not to have been uncommon 
 VOL. II. F F
 
 450 Notes. 
 
 in his times ; it was probably a survival from Roman habits. 
 The tomb of Hadrian, that of Cecilia Metella, etc., are 
 monuments of this singular passion for pomp and show 
 after death. Montaigne, living somewhat later than Eras- 
 mus, speaks with peculiar displeasure, of the " persevering 
 vanity " of a relative of his who, tormented during his last 
 hours by the stone, amused himself by giving, with intense 
 anxiety, directions concerning the ceremonies of his inter- 
 ment. Essais, Liv. I., Chap. iii. We may remind the 
 reader here of Mr. Robert Browning's fine piece, " The 
 Bishop orders his Tomb in St. Praxed's church." 
 
 IIoXvBairla. ... ... ... ... ... ...125 
 
 Not a classical Greek word. It is used here to express 
 the idea of "Variety in entertainments." Dispar convivium 
 is used as an equivalent Latin title of the Colloquy : " un- 
 equal feast " is hardly a translation of this. " Diverse 
 entertainment," according to the character of the guests, 
 etc., is meant. 
 
 Bedlam rather than a Banquet ... ... ... ...127 
 
 " Convicium, non Convivium," original. Perhaps it is 
 hardly necessary to say that Bedlam is a corruption of 
 Bethlehem, the lunatic asylum, formerly a religious house, 
 in London. 
 
 / have read in Horace tJiat they ought not to exceed five.. 128 
 " Ne sit quinto productior actu" " The play is not to 
 exceed five acts." Ars Poetica, or Ad Pisones, 189. 
 
 The old Proverb, A Jiearty Welcome is the best CJieer ... 128 
 Lit., " Before all things they brought cheerful faces." 
 Ante omnia vultus accessere boni. Shakespeare : " Small 
 cheer and great welcome make a merry feast." 
 
 WIten you perceive any disposed to be quarrelsome ... 130 
 Lit, "When you perceive TTJV aoivov /ic&yv, the wineless 
 drunkenness arising : " a very expressive phrase. Plut. ii., 
 716 A. 
 
 A Wife fighting with the Husband for the Breeches ... 131 
 Lit, " for the mastery," simply. The phrase about the 
 breeches is common to French, Dutch, and German popular 
 speech, with our own.
 
 Notes. 45 1 
 
 Ideots 131 
 
 The spelling with the e was formerly the current one in 
 English. We still retain e as representing the Greek i in 
 diphthongs, as phaenomenon, etc. The signification of the 
 word has departed by gradual changes widely from the 
 original. The Greek senses of u5idm;s were (i) a private 
 person ; (2) a layman, an unprofessional person ; (3) an 
 unskilled, ignorant person generally; (4) a bungler or 
 blockhead. In the sense of one naturally deficient in 
 reason, idiot is a modern word. Our jeering usage of the 
 term is really correct and classical. 
 
 A good Maxim in Life, Too much of one Thing is good 
 for Nothing ... ... ... ... ... ... 131 
 
 The famous adage, Ne quid nimis, p.tj8fv ayav, " nothing 
 too much." It truly expresses the fine classic sense of 
 measure and harmony. We may recall Horace's " Est 
 modus in rtbus ; " and his censure of the quest even of 
 virtue, "ultra quam satis est " Ser. i. i, 106 ; Ep. i. 6, 15. 
 
 Beatus and Boniface ... ... ... ... ... 132 
 
 The original meaning of beatus is happy, prosperous ; hence 
 by a common association of ideas it was often used for 
 wealthy, as in our text. 
 
 The theme of this Colloquy is one of profound philo- 
 sophical interest : the slavery of the human mind to 
 language. South, in his powerful sermons on the fatal 
 Force and Imposture of Words, has chastised this folly 
 with a more burning scourge than Erasmus. The impor- 
 tance of the subject cannot have escaped the attention of 
 any of the great thinkers. We may recall the Platonic 
 exposure of Rhetoric in the Gorgias ; Montaigne's short 
 chapter, De la Vanite des Paroles, etc. 
 
 A Face as ugly as the Devil ... ... ... ... 132 
 
 " Prodigiosa fades," " a monstrosity of a face," in original. 
 Cornelius seems to be cited as an ugly name, as if derived 
 from cornu, a horn. 
 
 A greater Fool than Ben of the Minories ... ... 1 34 
 
 " Than Coroebus " according to original. He is mentioned 
 in Lucian's dialogues as a typical fool Who " Ben of the
 
 452 Notes. 
 
 Minories " was, and how he obtained his eminence, I can- 
 not say. 
 
 Allay 137 
 
 The old spelling of alloy. From Anglo-Saxon lecgan, alecgan, 
 to lay, lay down ; hence soothe, mitigate, temper. In early 
 English we find the form alegga ; compare Ger. legieren ; 
 Fr. alleger ; It. allegare. 
 
 Right of the Lord of the Manor to whatsoever is cast 
 
 ashore from a Shipwreck ... ... ... ... 137 
 
 In original this right is said to belong to the " praefecti 
 maris," the " prefects of the sea." In English law, wrecks, 
 under certain conditions, are a part of the royal revenue; but 
 this privilege was frequently granted to lords of the manor 
 as a royal franchise. Flotsam, jetsam and ligan, or goods 
 remaining in the sea, are likewise parts of the royal 
 revenue. Blackstone. 
 
 The Wooden Horse ... ... ... ... ... 138 
 
 " Equuleus," original. A Roman instrument of torture, 
 made in the shape of a horse. 
 
 Genius Alastor ... ... ... ... ... ... 139 
 
 In the Greek mythology 'AXao-Toop was the avenging divi- 
 nity. In the Christian demonology of the middle ages, 
 Alastor was the executioner at the court of Beelzebub, em- 
 peror of the demons; of whom there was a regular organised 
 commonwealth. Johannes Wierus (sixteenth century) gives 
 an elaborate account oi\\.'\r\}\\s,PseudomonarchiaI)aemonum. 
 
 One Polygraphus .... He once wrote a sort of Hue and 
 
 Cry after Peace, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 141 
 
 Polygraphus, the " Scribbler," is Erasmus himself, and the 
 piece referred to is his Pacts Querimonia, or " Complaint 
 of Peace," printed by Froben, 1516, a beautiful composi- 
 tion. 
 
 Love of War stirred up by tJie Friars ... ... ... 141 
 
 Erasmus here refers to a fact that is not without impor- 
 tance to the philosophical student of history. Clerical 
 influence in the Catholic church appears still, as in the 
 middle ages, to foster war. The warlike atmosphere is
 
 Notes. 453 
 
 probably more congenial to the instincts, and better favours 
 the aims of the order than that of peace. On the general 
 causes of the cessation of the chronic state of warfare in 
 the middle Ages, see Buckle, vol. i., p. 190, sq. 
 
 Had as good keep his Breath to cool his Porridge ... 144 
 For " he washes a brick," laterem lavat, Ter. Ph. i., 4, 9, 
 He labours in vain. 
 
 Cacatik Beast ... ... ... ... ... ... 147 
 
 A coined adjective from coco, to perform a necessary 
 natural office. Erse : cach,cacach; whence probably a nurse's 
 exclamation, indicating an object of disgust to children. 
 
 Cyprian Cows ... ... ... ... ... ... 148 
 
 A Greek metaphor for a coarse and brutish person, because 
 Cyprian oxen were supposed to feed on human excrement. 
 
 TJie old Proverb, So many Men, so many Minds ... 151 
 " Quot homines, tot sententiae." Terence. 
 " Suus cuique mos est" Ibid. 
 " Mille hominum species, et rerum discolor usus : 
 Velle suum cuique est, nee voto vivitur uno." Persius. 
 
 Morids Noblemen 152 
 
 Moria, Greek Mtopt'a, folly. 
 
 Unequal Marriage ... ... ... ... ... 153 
 
 Dispar, here in the sense of ill-assorted. 
 
 TropJwnius 's Cave ... ... ... ... ... 153 
 
 See above, p. 447. 
 
 A Goddess tJtat tJte Greeks call Psora ... ... ...154 
 
 *<opa (from i/raa)), scabies, the disease called scab, or itch. 
 
 Tetters ... ... ... ... ... ... ...155 
 
 Some species of cutaneous eruption, probably measles. 
 
 " those measles 
 Which we disdain should tetter us." 
 
 Shakes. Coriolanus, iii., i. 
 TJie Mange .... has a great many Names ... ... 155 
 
 e. g., " French, Neapolitan disease, Spanish scab." 
 
 If she had scattered her Water upon the Grave of her 
 
 Parents, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 156 
 
 Minxit in patrios cineres. Hor.
 
 454 Notes. 
 
 In paganism a parent's grave was regarded with the most 
 religious veneration \ it was both crime and calamity to 
 desolate it 
 
 Throw for into tJie Thames ... ...157 
 
 " Into the Scheldt (Scalda)," original. 
 
 Seven liberal Sciences taught in tlie Schools ... ... 158 
 
 On the trivium and quadrivium of the middle-age univer- 
 sities, see above, p. 415. 
 
 Every Boar to brim his Sow ... ... ... ... 160 
 
 Old Norse : brimi, flame, Anglo-Saxon : bremman, to be 
 hot, on flame with passion. 
 
 " I see the bull doth bull the cow ; 
 
 And shall I live a maiden still ? 
 
 I see the boar doth brim the sow ; 
 
 And yet there's never a Jack for GilL" 
 
 Percy's Loose and Humourous Songs. 
 Reprisals, or Letters of Mark ... ... ... ... 163 
 
 " These letters were grantable by the law of nations, when- 
 ever the subjects of one state were oppressed and injured 
 by those of another; and justice is denied by that state to 
 which the oppressor belongs. In this case letters of marque 
 and reprisals (words used as synonymous, and signi- 
 fying, the latter, a taking in return, the former, the passing 
 the frontiers in order to such taking} may be obtained in 
 order to seize the bodies or goods of the subjects of the 
 offending state, until satisfaction be made, where they hap- 
 pen to be found." The practice has long been disused. 
 Commissions granted in time of war for privateers are 
 termed letters of marque. SeeKerr'sBlackstone : The Royal 
 Prerogative. Blackstone is clearly wrong in his derivation 
 of marque; he is no authority in etymology. Another 
 writer derives it from market, because the holders of these 
 letters may sell or bring to market the spoil they might 
 take ! wide of the mark, indeed ! Surely the meaning of 
 " letters of marque " is letters with the king's seal : it being 
 a branch of the royal prerogative to grant them. Analogous 
 is mark, the coin formerly in use, bearing the royal sign. 
 So again the French lettre de cachet, a folded letter with 
 the king's seal
 
 Notes. 455 
 
 Let tJiere be an Act of Parliament, tJiat the same Person 
 
 sJiartt be a Barber and a Surgeon too ... ... 165 
 
 The wide separation of these two callings, formerly united, 
 is a very suggestive fact in relation to modern progress. 
 The emblem of the pole with the twisted ribbons painted 
 on it remains. There still exists the Barber-Surgeons' Com- 
 pany in London, with their Hall in Monkwell Street. Bar- 
 bers in Germany still perform simple surgical operations. 
 
 Sotadic 168 
 
 From Sotades, an Alexandrian poet, c. 280 B.C. A Sotadic 
 verse is one which reads the same, taking the letters back- 
 ward or forward : 
 
 " Signa te, signa; temere me tangis et angis : 
 
 Roma tibi subito motibus ibit amor" 
 The author of the above distich is said to have been no less 
 a personage than the Prince of Darkness. If so, he may be 
 a " gentleman " (Shakesp.) but hardly a scholar. The story 
 runs that jolly St Martin, on his way to Rome on foot was 
 taunted by the devil on his poor means of conveyance ; 
 whereupon the bishop turned him into a mule, mounted, 
 and urged him on by making the sign of the Cross. The 
 baffled spirit cried out as above, the sense being interpreted 
 as follows : " Cross, cross thyself : unreasonably dost thou 
 lay hands on me and vex me ; soon by my exertions shalt 
 thou reach Rome, the object of thy desire." Another ex- 
 ample of sotadics or palindromes is : 
 
 " llewd I did live, and evil I did dwell" 
 (11 being old spelling for L). 
 Cyclops, or the Gospel-Carrier ... ... ... ... 169 
 
 With reference to this Colloquy, the following, from a 
 letter of Erasmus to Oecolampadius, dated i5th July, 1529, 
 will be read with interest : " Jerome Froben told me 
 to-day that there are those who entertain some strange 
 sinister suspicion concerning my feeling towards you, on 
 the ground that I have affronted you in my writings ; and 
 also that I lately turned aside from my road, to avoid 
 greeting you. Know, that both these allegations are the 
 idlest of dreams. I have not written a single letter by
 
 456 Notes. 
 
 which I meant to hurt you, or in writing which I was 
 thinking about you. When the Colloquy Cyclops was 
 being printed, some at Froben's works suspected, because 
 mention is made of a "sheep's head," a "fox's heart," 
 and a " long nose," that you were intended ; whereas the 
 fact is, this fun was poked at Nicolaus Cannius, my ser- 
 vant, who was ambitious of being celebrated in the Collo- 
 quies. He wears a cap of that kind, and has a long nose, 
 and is of swarthy complexion and black hair. That you 
 wore a similar cap I never heard, unless on this occasion. 
 I am not so foolish, as to break such jests upon learned 
 men. Polyphemus, too, begged to be celebrated : who 
 was in the habit of carrying about a richly ornamented 
 copy of the Gospel, while there was nothing fouler than 
 his life. So the matter stands as to my writings. As to 
 the other charge, I am in the habit of going nearly always 
 that way to Froben's garden, when the weather is pretty 
 fair, because the other way is somewhat close and stinks. 
 Therefore, had no one been by, I should still have gone 
 that way. Nor did I then know that you were over 
 against me, but my servant told me ; and I should there- 
 upon have turned back to you, had there not been many 
 persons present unknown to me, and I did not wish to 
 disturb their company. I said so to my servant at the 
 time." This occurred at Basle, where Oecolampadius 
 resided. 
 
 Lady of the Wood 169 
 
 " Hamadryad," original. 
 
 poKQ)Tov ... ... ... ... ... ... 169 
 
 Lit., "a weasel in a saffron-robe;" which was worn by "fast" 
 ladies at Athens. Aristophanes. 
 
 nubbled him so well favouredly with my right, tJtat 
 
 you could see no Eyes he had for the Swellings ... 175 
 Lit, "with my right I fisticuffed him, beat him black and 
 blue in fine style, and turned his whole face into a lump." 
 This was " proving his doctrine orthodox by apostolic 
 blows and knocks." Nubble seems to be the same as nobble, 
 a North-country word for/^//, as with stones.
 
 Notes. 457 
 
 / wish you may be wJiat you are cattd ... ... ... 177 
 
 i. e. Polyphemus, in the sense of famous, the original mean- 
 ing being many-voiced. 
 
 'A'TrpocrSiovva'a ... ... ... ... ... ... 178 
 
 This title is derived from the Greek proverb for irrelevancy : 
 ouSc'v Ti-pos Atoj/vo-oi/, " It's nothing to Bacchus." 
 
 Halcyon days ... ... ... ... ... ... 179 
 
 The king-fisher (aXxucov,) supposed by the Greeks to incu- 
 bate during fourteen days before the winter solstice on the 
 surface of the sea, when it was perfectly still. Some aspi- 
 rate the word (dA.Kvu>v) deriving it from oAs and KVW ; the 
 " sea-brooder." 
 
 St. Nicholas 180 
 
 The patron of thieves, often called " Clerks or Knights of 
 St. Nicholas." But here his office of protector of sailors 
 is referred to. There are many churches in sea-port towns 
 dedicated to him. He took the place of Neptune in the 
 Catholic transformation of Paganism. See Horace, Od. i. 5. 
 
 " Me in my vowed 
 
 Picture the sacred wall declares to have hung 
 My dank and dropping weeds 
 To the stern god of sea." Miltoris Version. 
 
 A Dog's Head with bangle Ears ... ... ...183 
 
 " Demissis auribus," " drooping ears," original. 
 
 Turn every Stone... ... ... ... ... ... 184 
 
 Lit, " Let every die be cast." 
 
 Servants that have no Hands ; they will be unprofitable 185 
 A play on the Greek d^etpovs and dxpeiovs, " without 
 hands," and " useless." 
 
 The Sea hides all Mischief 189 
 
 " All the ills of men," according to the original, a Greek 
 proverb. There was a notion that one bitten by a mad 
 dog could be cured by being dipped nine times in the sea, 
 etc. 
 
 'Acrr paja\ia /to9 ... ... ... ... ... ... 192 
 
 From dorpayoAo?, Latin Talus, the ball of the ankle- 
 joint, used by Greeks and Romans as a die. Cock- All,
 
 45 8 Notes. 
 
 or cockal appears to be the same as the German kugel, a 
 ball. 
 Talarian Garment ... ... ... ... ... 193 
 
 Talus is used in Latin for the ankle, the heel, the foot ge- 
 nerally. The quibbling on the word in the text seems 
 devoid of wit. " Thus Horace writes :" Ep. ii., i, 176. 
 
 Poets .... give ears to Tmolus ... ... ... ... 193 
 
 Tmolus was a mountain in Lydia. To the god identified 
 or associated with the mountain was ascribed the decision 
 of the musical contest between Apollo and Pan. 
 
 'AcrTpcvya\os, derived of a-rpetyco ... ... ... 194 
 
 A specimen of the clumsy attempts at derivation before 
 the subject was understood. I am not aware that the ety- 
 mology of the word has yet been traced. 
 
 198 
 
 Those who are curious concerning the details of the game 
 here discussed may consult Eustathius, Od. i., p. 1397, 
 34 sq. ; Smith's Diet Ant, art Talus. In English the 
 name is huckle-bones. 
 
 Don't reckon your Chickens before they be hatch d . . . 202 
 " Don't sing the encomium before the victory." See above 
 
 P-^SS- 
 
 Heliogabalus .... Jiad the Pictures of Moses and Christ 
 
 /tanging up in his private Chapel ... ... ... 204 
 
 That is, in his lararium, or shrine of the lares or house- 
 hold gods. See above, p. 399. 
 
 Fumblers for their Husbands ... ... ... ... 206 
 
 " Eunuchs," original. 
 
 Diluculum. NepJialius. Philypnus. ... ... ...212 
 
 Day-break. The sober man. The sleep-lover. 
 
 TJte old Proverb, I don't sleep to all 212 
 
 See above, p. 382. 
 
 TJiat of Hesiod, 'Tis too late to spare when all is spent... 217 
 " Sera in fundo parsimonia," original. " 'Tis too late to save 
 when you are at the bottom of the chest" 
 
 Pliny says, All Life is one continued Watching, etc. ... 217 
 See his preface to Vespasian, Nat. Hist.
 
 Notes. 459 
 
 Sleep caWd by Homer ; tlte Cousin-German of Death ... 217 
 " Germanus," original. Homer represents sleep as Twin- 
 brother of Death, II. xiv. 231, xvi. 672, 682. The epithet 
 germanus is derived from the root GEN, and denotes that 
 which is genuine, hence applied in Latin to full brothers 
 and sisters, having the same parents, or at least the same 
 father. 
 
 Frugality is a handsome Income... ... ... ...218 
 
 From Cicero, Parad. vi. 3, 49 : " Magnum vectigal est 
 parsimonia." 
 
 Agamemnon, in Homer, tells us, 'Tis unbecoming a Man 
 
 of Counsel to sleep the whole Night ... ...218 
 
 II. ii., 24. 
 T lie Notable Art 227 
 
 Hardly a correct rendering of ars notoria. Notoria is in 
 
 Latin a noun, signifying notice, information. Erasmus uses 
 
 it as an adjective : " the informing art." 
 
 Words, as Homer says, have Wings, and easily fly away. .. 229 
 Mr. Gladstone has suggested that the point of this phrase, 
 ITTCO. Trrepoevra, " winged words," lies in the fact that they 
 are conceived by the poet under the image of arrows, shot 
 at a definite mark ; just as the Homeric exclamation, 
 " What a word is this that hath escaped the fence of thy 
 teeth ! " expresses the idea of vain and thoughtless speech. 
 
 Merdardus ... ... ... ... ... ... 231 
 
 This elegant pseudonym for the Franciscan (referred to 
 also in a preceding Colloquy) who made it his business to 
 attack Erasmus and his teachings ; from merda, dung. 
 
 TJie Performance, which is to be called so (i.e. holy) in the 
 
 sense in which Virgil calls Avarice so ... ... 232 
 
 The word is sacra, and the allusion to Virgil's phrase, 
 " auri sacra fames," ( Aen. iii. 57) where sacra bears the 
 sense of accursed. 
 
 Billingsgate Parsons ... ... ... ... ...232 
 
 " Rabulae," original. An infrequent word ; used by Cicero 
 as a term of contempt for a ranting advocate. The com- 
 mon usage of the expression " Billingsgate " refers, of 
 course, to the clamour and coarseness of the market. So
 
 460 Notes. 
 
 again : "to scold like a fish wife." The French allude to 
 the " Place Maubert " in the same way. 
 
 St. Francis and the Sisterhood of little Birds ... ... 232 
 
 This was, of course, he of Assisi, died 1226. (St. Francis 
 of Sales died 1622.) This " gentle and holy " and truly 
 poetic soul had a most intense sympathy for all Nature. 
 Not only the little birds, but Sun and Moon, Wind and 
 Water, were his " brothers " and " Sisters." Dean Milman 
 says that the only curse he can find to have proceeded 
 from his lips was when a fierce swine killed a lamb. 
 Lambs and larks were his especial pets, as symbols of the 
 Saviour and of the cherubim. 
 
 No strange Thing for a Nettle to grow in a Rose-Bed... 233 
 Why nettle? The original is cynorhodum, "dog-rose," 
 which is apt. 
 
 A Jiopper Arse ... ... ... ... ... ... 233 
 
 " Gladiatorial flanks," original. The above English vul- 
 garism appears to be descriptive of the waddling, rocking 
 movement of fat persons, and to be from the same root 
 with hopple, hobble. 
 
 Master of the Science ... ... ... ... ... 233 
 
 "Athlete," original. 
 
 Proverb of the Brothers ... ... ... ... ... 235 
 
 He seems to mean that in calling Erasmus an Ass he takes 
 him for his brother. 
 
 Humility ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 239 
 
 Its signification. The word is derived from humus, ground. 
 Humi repentes, " creeping on the ground." 
 
 T/ie Lesbian Rule ... ... ... ... ... 244 
 
 A phrase used by Aristotle. When an action is not squared 
 to reason, but reason is accommodated to the action, when 
 the law conforms to manners, instead of manners being 
 corrected by the laws, etc. 
 
 Tfo Bishop's Thunderbolts, Si quis instigante Diabolo, 
 
 etc. 245 
 
 Alluding to the opening words of a canonical decree, " If
 
 Notes. 46 1 
 
 any at the instigation of the Devil, etc.," threatening 
 excommunication against any who should lay hands on a 
 priest. 
 
 249 
 
 The saying of Pope Alexander VI. Quoted again at p. 
 298. 
 
 Philodoxus. Symbulus ... ... ... ... ...253 
 
 " Lover of Glory." " Counsellor." 
 
 The Flight of a thousand Night- Owls ... ... ...253 
 
 See above, p. 383. 
 
 He is a God that helps a Man ... ... ... ... 253 
 
 Alluding to the Greek adage, SvOpanros avOpM-n-ov Sai/xoviov, 
 " man the divinity of man : " applied to sudden and un- 
 expected help in an emergency. So Horace amusingly 
 commemorates his deliverance from a bore : " sic me ser- 
 vavit Apollo." Sen i. 9. 78. Hence, " godsend." 
 
 That saying of TJieocrittcs, etc. ... ... ... ...256 
 
 A mistake for Theognis, 26. 
 
 Pascitur in vims livor, post fata quiescit ... ... 256 
 
 Ovid, Amores, i. 15, 39. 
 
 Against the Grain and the consent of his Genius ... 258 
 Lit., " Minerva being unwilling and his Genius angry." 
 
 As tJie witty Poet Horace intimates, saying, Crescit 
 
 occulto velut arbor aevo fama Marcelli ... ... 260 
 
 Od i., 12, 45. 
 
 Virtue is conversant in Difficulties, as old Hesiod taught 
 before the Peripatetics ... ... ... ... 262 
 
 See Hesiod's " Works and Days," 286, a striking passage, 
 recalling similar imagery in the Sermon on the Mount : 
 " Evil is manifold and quickly reached ; 
 Smooth is the road thereto, and nigh the way ; 
 But the high gods do make us sweat for Good ; 
 Strait is the gate to that, and long the road, 
 And steep at first but when the top is won, 
 All then is easy that was hard before." 
 
 E. Arnold's Translation.
 
 462 Notes. 
 
 The Advice which the Fidler gave his Fellow ... ... 264 
 
 In the original the word is tibicen, the piper. They must 
 have been an important class in ancient life, like the har- 
 pers and pipers of the feudal times. 
 
 Greek Fire ... ... ... ... ... ... 265 
 
 The discovery of the properties of this inflammable oil is 
 ascribed to Callinicus of Heliopolis. Constantinople owed 
 its successful defence in the first two sieges of the seventh 
 and eighth centuries by the Saracens, to the use of the 
 Greek fire. The secret remained with the Roman empire 
 for 400 years the Saracens then came into possession of 
 it, and continued its use, until it was superseded by gun- 
 powder in the fourteenth century. See Gibbon. 
 
 A mere Skeleton ... ... ... ... ... ... 266 
 
 " Syphar hominis," a mere skin of a man. Greek <n><j>ap, 
 an old wrinkled skin, the slough of a serpent, etc. 
 
 Synodium ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 267 
 
 The name taken from the Greek <rwo8os, synod, which 
 means generally a meeting ; trwoSia, synodia, companion- 
 ship, society. 
 
 Antronius ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 267 
 
 As a name of contempt. See above, p. 419. 
 
 Hunks ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 267 
 
 Said to be derived from the Icelandic hunskur, sordid. 
 Richardson. More probably a contraction of the Teutonic 
 word, hiike, hiiker, German ; hugkner, Bavarian ; huckster, 
 higgler, English. 
 
 The famous Painter thought that Day was lost, wherein 
 
 he did not employ his Pencil ... ... ... 268 
 
 Apelles. Whence the celebrated proverb, Nulla dies sine 
 linea, not a day without a line ; adopted by Luther as a 
 motto when translating the New Testament. 
 
 TJie Devil a Barrel, the better Herring ... ... ... 270 
 
 Lit., " Like lips have like lettuces." 
 
 The Mess .... tttat Melchisedek offered to Abraham ... 272 
 Viz., " bread and wine," Gen. xiv., 18.
 
 Notes. 463 
 
 German meals ... ... ... ... ... ... 276 
 
 " Beaver " for merenda, luncheon. Latin bibo, Italian bevere, 
 to drink. The front part of the helmet, lifted up to enable 
 the wearer to drink, was hence called beaver. In the sense 
 of the text bever is a provincialism for a drink in the har- 
 vest-field. 
 
 TJte Seraphick Funeral ... ... ... ... ...281 
 
 St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the order of Franciscans, 
 was termed the Seraphic Saint, and the name was trans- 
 ferred to his followers. It implies zeal and ardour, in 
 allusion to the association of the seraphs with fire. Isa. vi. 
 
 A Snake will not come near tJie Shadow of an Ash ... 293 
 Like the rest of Erasmus' natural history, taken from 
 Pliny, xvi. 13. 
 
 Pope Benedict ... ... ... ... ... ... 294 
 
 This must have been Benedict XII., 1334 1342. 
 
 The Slashes in the Shoes shew the naked Foot, and so 
 fulfil the Rule by Synecdoche ... ... ... 297 
 
 Synecdoche is the rhetorical figure by which a part is put 
 for the whole, or the whole for a part. Quintilian Inst, 
 viii., 6, 19. 
 
 That celebrated saying of Pope Alexander, 'Tts safer to 
 affront the most powerful Prince, than any one single 
 Franciscan or Dominican ... ... ... ... 298 
 
 Alexander VI. (Roderic Borgia) died 1503, the infamous 
 father of an infamous family. See p. 249. 
 
 The Apologist concerning a Crab-fish, etc. ... ... 303 
 
 A mistranslation of apologus, an apologue, or fable. One 
 ascribed to ^Esop. 
 
 305 
 
 The stories about elephants, etc., are from Pliny, Nat. 
 Hist., book viii. It was not thirty " Persons " according 
 to Pliny, but thirty Elephants which the king desired to 
 torture. The original is somewhat ambiguous, " triginta 
 quosdam." 
 
 A Proverb, I'll give you no more Quarter tJian a Dog 
 
 does to a Wolf ... ... ... ... ... 306 
 
 Lit, " We will spare them no more than wolves," Aristo-
 
 464 Notes. 
 
 phanes. Rewards were offered in Attica and elsewhere for 
 the destruction of them. 
 
 307 
 
 Custom in England of strewing the Floor with green Rushes. 
 Erasmus describes in one of his letters the filthy and un- 
 healthy condition of English houses in consequence of this 
 custom. See Brand's Popular Antiquities, ii. 13. 
 
 Democritical Stories ... ... ... ... ...311 
 
 Democritus the great philosopher of Abdera, about 460 
 B.C., generally called the laughing philosopher, from his 
 satirical habit. His contemporaries appear to have returned 
 his scorn upon himself and his speculations. 
 
 3H 
 
 Catullus's epigram on Volusius. This is a mistake a 
 rare lapse of memory on Erasmus' part. The epigram 
 alluded to is Martial's, and the person who is its object, 
 Sabidius, i., 33 : 
 
 Non amo te, Sabidi, nee possum dicere quare ; 
 Hoc tantum possum dicere, non amo te. 
 As to the famous English adaptation of the epigram, a 
 correspondent of "Notes and Queries" says the author was 
 Tom Brown, who wrote " Dialogues of the Dead," and 
 the person referred to was Dr. Fell, Dean of Christchurch 
 (1625 1686) who expelled him, but said he would remit 
 the sentence if he translated the thirty-third epigram of 
 Martial. The result was the well-known lines : 
 " I do not like thee, Dr. Fell, 
 
 The reason why I cannot tell ; 
 
 But this I know, I know full well, 
 
 I do not like thee, Dr. Fell." 
 
 Brewer's Diet, of Phrase and Fable. 
 
 As to Volusius, Catullus has an ode against him and his 
 Annals (xxxvi) beginning, "Annales Volusi, cacata charta, 
 etc." Hence the confusion of recollection in the text. 
 
 Why does tJte River Arethusa run under tJte Sicanian 
 
 sea, etc. ... ... ... ... ... ... 3 22 
 
 Should be, the river Alpheus, who (for the Greeks deified 
 their rivers) pursued the nymph Arethusa under ground
 
 Notes. 465 
 
 and ocean, and sought to mingle his water with hers at 
 Ortygia in Cicily. The beautiful myth is founded on the 
 natural fact that the river Alpheus in Peloponnesus has a 
 subterranean descent and flow during a part of its course. 
 
 TJie Lake Asphaltitis ... ... ... ... ... 323 
 
 The mare mortuum or Dead Sea. 
 
 TJie ignorant Antients, following Homer, believ'd tJte 
 
 Heaven to be made of Iron ... ... ... ... 324 
 
 In the Iliad it is described as brazen (^oAxeos), xvii. 425 ; 
 v. 504 ; in the Odyssey as iron, xv. 329, xvii. 565 ; also in 
 the Odyssey, iii. 2, as TroAvxoXxos. A similar notion ap- 
 pears in the Hebrew rakia, something flattened out, trans- 
 lated firmament. 
 
 TJie Souls of Men, ttiat Virgil calls Sparks of pure 
 
 jEtlier 325 
 
 In that fine passage from which the Catholic doctrine of 
 purgatory seems to be derived, vi 735, sq. : 
 " Donee longa dies, perfecto temporis orbe, 
 Concretam exemit labiem, purumque reliquit 
 Aetherium sensum, atque aurai simplicis ignem." 
 
 The Epicurean ... ... ... ... 326 
 
 Hedonius, a name coined from iJSovi?, pleasure. Spudaeus, 
 OTTOU&UOS, earnest, eager, etc. 
 It is commonly the Case of Farmers to be at Uncertainty 
 
 as to the Ends of Lands ... ... ... ... 327 
 
 A pun on the double meaning si fines, that of ends, final 
 causes, and that of boundaries. 
 If we will speak tJie Truth, none are greater Epicureans 
 
 tJian those Christians that live a pious Life ... 327 
 Compare with the whole passage the following from Mon- 
 taigne : " Toutes les opinions du monde en sont la, que le 
 plaisir est nostre but; quoiqu'elles en prennent divers 
 moyens : autrement on les chasseroit d'arrive'e ; car qui 
 e'couteroit celui qui, pour sa fin, establiroit nostre peine et 
 mesaise ? Les dissensions des sectes philosophiques en ce cos 
 sont verbales ; transcurramus solertissimas nugas ; il y a 
 plus d' opiniastretd et de picoterie qu'il n' appartient a une 
 si saincte profession; mais quelque personnage que homme 
 VOL. II. G G
 
 466 Notes. 
 
 entrepreigne, il joue tonsiour le sien parmy. Quoy qu'ils 
 dient, en la vertu meme, le dernier but de nostre lisde, 
 c'est la volupte'. II me plaist de battre leurs aureilles de 
 ce mot, qui leur est si fort a contrecoeur ; et s'il signifie 
 quelque supreme plaisir et excessif contentement, il est 
 mieux deu a 1' assistance de la vertu qu' a nulle aultre 
 assistance. Cette volupte', pour estre plus gaillarde, ner- 
 veuse, robuste, virile, n'en est que plus serieusement 
 voluptueux; et lui debvions donner le nom du plaisir, 
 plus favourable, plus doux et naturel, non celui de la 
 vigueur, duquel nous 1' avons denommee." 
 
 Liv. I., Chap. xxx. 
 A Sentence in Plautus that has more Wisdom in it, than 
 
 all tJie Paradoxes of the Stoics ... ... ... 328 
 
 See the Mostellaria, iii. i, 13. 
 
 A certain sort of Flax, which being put into the fire is 
 
 not burnt, but shines brighter ... ... ... 328 
 
 Some, however, read lignum, wood, instead of linum, flax. 
 
 Syrus in tJie Comedy, after lie had slept away his De- 
 bauch, spoke sober Things ... ... ... 3 3 1 
 
 See the Adelphi of Terence. 
 
 The Pox, which by Way of Extenuation they call the 
 
 Common-Garden Gout ... ... ... ... 334 
 
 Lit, " The Neapolitan scab." 
 
 Do tJiey not epicurize gloriously ? Yes, if coining often 
 
 to tJie Powdering- Tub be doing so ... ... ... 3 34 
 
 A pun is here disguised. " Do they not seem finely to 
 Epicurize (cTrucovpi^eiv) ? Yes, to epicourlathein (ri Kovpao. 
 0eiv, to run to the barbers' shops)." 
 
 A Callous grown insensible of their Calamity 335 
 
 Lat., callus, a hard skin in animals ; rind in plants. 
 
 TJte Stable-Door shut when the Steed is stolen ... 336 
 Lit., "Sero sapiunt Phryges," "The Phrygians are late 
 wise." 
 
 We frequently see Men that are truly pious, die with 
 greater Cfoarfulness than others live ... ... 337 
 
 A notable illustration of this was to be furnished, a few
 
 Notes. 467 
 
 years later, in the person of Sir Thomas More, one of 
 Erasmus's most cherished friends. 
 
 In some cases, like Momuses, some murmur against the 
 
 Workman, etc. ... ... ... ... ... 340 
 
 Momus, in the Greek myth, represented the spirit of 
 mockery and disparagement. He was expelled from 
 Olympus for scoffing at Vulcan's handiwork and at Venus's 
 creaking sandals. 
 
 That adorable Prince of Christian PhilosopJiers . . . 342 
 Would be better rendered, " That adorable Head of 
 Christian philosophy " (Christianae philosophiae prin- 
 ceps). 
 
 Tantalus and the Stone ... ... ... ... ... 343 
 
 There are several different forms of this striking myth con- 
 cerning Tantalus, which has strongly impressed itself on 
 language in tantalize. 
 
 Chiron ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 349 
 
 The famous learned centaur, the instructor of Hercules, 
 Achilles, etc. 
 
 That Cacus w/wm Virgil speaks of ... ... ...350 
 
 ^Eneid, viii., 194. 
 
 " Hie speluncafuit, vasto submota recessu, 
 
 Semihominis Caci fades quam dira tenebat." 
 His cave was in Italy. He is elsewhere represented as a 
 three-headed monster. 
 
 / believe you'd make tJie very Post and Pillars burst 
 
 with your braggadochia talking ... ... ... 350 
 
 An allusion to Juvenal, Sat. L, 12, 13 : 
 
 " Frontonis platani convulsaque marmora clamant 
 
 Semper, et assiduo ruptae lectors columnae" 
 " The walks of Fronto echo round and round 
 The columns trembling with the eternal sound." 
 
 Gifford. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 ROBERT ROBERTS, PRINTER, BOSTON, LINCOLNSHIRE.
 
 
 
 
 
 m
 
 DC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 A 000707719 1