Digitized by tine Internet Archive in 2007 witii funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation http://www.archive.org/details/findingthemselveOOstimricli FINDING THEMSELVES THE MACMILLAN COMPANY N«W YORK • BOSTON - CHICAGO - DALLAS ATLANTA • SAN FRANCISCO MACMILLAN & CO., Uuttkd LONDON • BOMBAY • CALCUTTA MBLBOURNX THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA, Lm TOKONTO •'**'»* » TOUA't/STIMSON From the photograph for her passport, May, 1917. FINDING THEMSELVES The Letters of an American Army Chief Nurse in a British Hospital in France BY JULIA C. STIMSON, M.A., R.N. Superintendent op Akmt Nurse Corps, United States Army Formerly Chief Nurse, Base Hospital 21 (St. Louis), U. S. A. (No. 12 General Hospital, B. E. F.) Later Director Nursing Service, A. E. F. Now God be thanked who has matched us with His hour And caught our youth, and wakened us from sleeping." — RuPEBT Brooke. THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 1927 AH rights reserved S7/ Copyright, 1918, By the MACMILLAN COMPANY. Set up and electrotyped. Published September, 1918. Reprinted August, 1927. « _ t t c c PRrNTBD IN THE tmiTED STATES OF AMERICA Bebuateb TO ALL MY MAJORS WHOSE KIND HELPFULNESS WAS NEVER FAILING €41350 NOTE These letters were written as the daily record ' of the work of a Unit of Red Cross nurses who were sent to France in May, 1917, in response to the request of the British authorities. The Unit, almost immediately after its arrival in Eng- land, was sent across the Channel to take over a British Base Hospital established on a race course, where they have cared continuously for a stream of from eight hundred to two thousand wounded "ToDMnies" at a time. The original sixty-five American nurses were as- sisted for several months by English Volunteer Aids, and when these were withdrawn, they were reenforced with some thirty American nurses. Though written with no thought of publica- tion, as the war lengthens out, these letters have become of especial value as the record of first impressions and experiences which for those con- cerned were startlingly new. Since then much has been happening of tremendous significance both to the participants and to the world, but the events recorded here have not lost their interest, vii viii NOTE nor htm their graphic character been blunted, by recent occurrences. Hence, though the initial purpose of printing these letters was to furnish this group of women with a permanent story of their devoted service, it has been suggested that the letters have a much wider interest, and they have therefore been given for publication by Miss Stimson*s family. Henry A. Stimson Pastor emeritus, Manhattan Congregational Church. Nsw YoBK, Jun«, 1018. FINDING THEMSELVES FINDING THEMSELVES St. Louis, ]Vfayi^,:lJ)l7. ' Dearest Mother and Dad : — * • * ^ • '; As you have probably seen by the papers, we all are in the midst of alarms. We have had less than a week's notice to get ready for mobilization for service in France, and so it has been a rushing week. Last Saturday afternoon we received word we were likely to be called out soon — in two or three weeks — but on Tuesday night I received word to have the nurses ready by Saturday. It is now Friday evening and most of the nurses are ready, but it is quite certain we won't be leaving for several days as the doctors' uniforms, for instance, won't be ready till next Wednesday. I am glad indeed for the extra time. The nurses can take a very small steamer trunk and a suit- case. As we apparently are to be sent abroad "for the duration of the war" it is rather a puzzle to know what to take. Of course this order for foreign service is playing havoc with the personnel of the Unit, so few expected to be called for duty abroad. In fact no one expected a call of this sort at all. I have B 1 2 FINDING THEMSELVES been quite disgusted with the quitters who, for one reason or another, have begged to be excused. I have had about ten drop out, but I am find- ing substitutes who I think will be much more desirable than such weak-kneed individuals. But ., ,.^ every .^ub^tit^ution means a great deal of work c %.'and Mntich' •teflegraphing; for each name has to J 'r ;.' ib6a'|>p>'oyeA dt'; Washington, and after physical ' "' ' ''e!xkminJitioli's*aY'e made here they also have again to be approved at Washington. I have had a number sent back for more complete details. I am to have a detachment of Kansas City nurses attached to my corps. Ten, and maybe more, for there are to be sixty-five, and I had only fifty in my original order and some of these have been dropped or have had to fall out. Two whose names I submitted I have had to drop by orders from Washington because they were born in Germany. So there is much to do, you see. It is now Sunday, and we are going down to hear Joffre speak if we can get into the Coliseum. He and his staff are coming out to review the Unit at the [Barnes] hospital to-morrow. I do hope that by this time next Sunday we shall be on our way, for waiting around after one is ready is very trying, particularly when people of all sorts are weeping farewells over you all the time. Well, anyway, here is loads of love to you all. We know it is the biggest opportunity of our lives. FINDING THEMSELVES 3 People are being wonderful and are rallying around us splendidly. We are offered more help than we can possibly use. It has been pretty fatiguing but I am beginning to realize that I can take things more slowly now. Naturally I wanted to be as nearly ready with all my force by Saturday as I possibly could be. You can imagine the number of questions I have had to make up answers for, that come to me every hour of the day and night, not to mention all the details I have to impress upon many people, those who go, and those who stay. But it is all wonderful beyond belief. I just wish I had the words to express what I think about this opportunity. Aside from what we think about the causes and principles involved, and the tremendous satisfaction of having a chance to help work them out, to be in the front ranks in this most dramatic event that ever was staged, and to be in the first group of women ever called out for duty with the United States Army, and in the first part of the army ever sent off on an expeditionary affair of this sort, is all too much good fortune for any one person like me. The responsibility of my big job of whipping into shape a band of heterogeneously trained nurses and of competing for loyalty and spirit with groups of nurses from the East, and mostly all from one school, seems almost an overwhelming job, but 4 FINDING THEMSELVES naturally I am going to do my very best. I have some splendid women to help me in the executive line, and although we do not know each other's ways at all we will do what we can. As for the men, we could not have a more splendid group to I work with. I shall have every possible help from them. Personally I am feeling fine and oh, so ■ keyed up. I cannot ever be worthy of all the i honor and opportunities that have come to me, not to mention all the happiness. It seems as if my life has just overflowed with good things and that I can never live long enough to put back into the world all that has been given to me. My little nurses ^ are being so fine. The pres- ent Senior class of thirty-two would have been my first real class, the first I have taken all through, and they are weeping around that I am not going to be here to graduate them. But to-morrow night after chapel I am to have a heart-to-heart talk with them and I believe I can make them feel better. May 7 thy Marshal J of re presented the American colors to the St. Louis Unit {U. S. Base Hospital) No. 21 of Washington University at the Barnes Hospital, 1 Miss Stimson was then superintendent of nurses and head of the training school for nurses at Barnes Hospital, Washington Unio versity, St. Louis. FINDING THEMSELVES 5 May 16th, These colors were consecrated at the Cathedral in a special service for the Unit, May 17 thy The Unit left St, Louis and sailed from New York on Saturday the 19th, On board ship. May 21, Monday. Dearest Family : — If only all you dear people at home could know how comfortable and happy we all are, you would not worry the slightest bit about us. Of course the danger is still here even if we don't notice it, but everything is so serene it seems as though it couldn't possibly touch us. The only time that one can even imagine any danger is at night when on the decks not a single particle of light can be seen, except a dark purple glow at each companion-way. All the portholes are fastened shut and all the windows of the dining-saloon are shut and shaded as soon as it begins to get dark. The main hall, or whatever the place is called, in the center of the boat where the main stairways are, is also entirely dark, so that when the doors to the deck are opened no light will shine out. We are told that we are one of a group of boats going out together although out of sight of each other, and that when we get nearer the other side we are to be convoyed by battleships. We are getting wireless directions from cruisers now. 6 FINDING THEMSELVES but are not sending out any messages. We had lifeboat drill this morning, with lifebelts on and each person knows to exactly what boat he or she is to go. At times like those drills there is noth- ing but the greatest jolliness and cheerfulness. j In fact, all the time there seems to be nothing / but cheerfulness and eagerness to get to work. I I haven't even heard of any apprehensiveness on the part of a single person. As one of my nurses said in her slow drawly way : "There isn't any use worrying about the submarines. If the Germans are going to kill us, worrying isn't going to prevent it. If the Germans do kill me, I'm going to come back and haunt the whole German army." Everything has gone so very smoothly from the very beginning, I really don't see how arrange- ments could have been improved upon. Even the one trunk that got left behind reached the steamer in time, and the two nurses who were to join us in New York turned up exactly as scheduled and all the missing documents from the War Department came before we left and as far as I could tell, everybody had everything that she ought to have. When the gangplank was pulled up and I realized that not one of my group could get lost for at least ten days, and there were no more documents to expect by mail and no more telegrams giving more instructions, FINDING THEMSELVES 7 it seemed as if a great load dropped off my shoul- ders. It was a glorious day and the sail down the harbor was wonderful. All kinds of boats tooted and blew their whistles at us and people on ferry boats waved and cheered us. Soon after limch, the few necessary room adjustments were made and trunks were carried to the proper rooms. Nurses had been assigned to rooms alphabetically, but a few changes seemed to make everybody happy. Some of the nurses are three in a room, but quite a lot of them are only two in a room. With the portholes screwed down there is ho dif- ference between the inside and the outside rooms. The whole Pennsylvania Unit, Base Hospital No. 10, is with us, going no one knows where, any more than we do. They seem very nice people, and the Chief Nurse is the Miss Dunlop with whom I had been corresponding about work at the American Ambulance. Miss Dunlop was in charge of the nursing at the Ambulance for some time and can give me lots of pointers about foreign service. When we reached the St. Paul that Friday evening about 6, going directly from the train to a ferry and from the ferry to the pier, we found the other Unit on board. A committee from the Red Cross was here giving out imiforms. It took not much over an hour and a half before each nurse had received all her things and was free 8 FINDING THEMSELVES to go. Each one was given caps and armbands, a lovely soft cape lined with bright red flannel; a soft dark blue felt hat, with hat pins, a heavy dark brown blanket, a long heavy double-breasted, dark blue military coat and a dark blue serge dress. The whole equipment is excellent and extremely good in quality and the fit was fine, considering the way measurements had to be sent. There was a box there addressed to every single nurse, each one containing a dress and a coat. The dresses are very good looking. They have high standing collars with a little edging of white at the top and an edging of white at the cuffs. Extra edging was found in an envelope attached to each dress. There is a pleat that runs from each shoulder to the waist and a row of big black buttons follows those pleats. There is also a row of buttons up the outside of each sleeve. At the waist there is a belt and a cloth- covered buckle. The skirt has a pocket on each side and has a panel back. The effect of the whole outfit is very shipshape, though a little somber. There is no distinguishing mark for Chief Nurses, but Miss Noyes, the Chairman of the Bureau of Nursing Service, who came on from Washington to see us off, said she was going to work out some sort of a method for distinguish- ing the Chiefs and would let us know later what it is to be. A great many of the nurses sent back FINDING THEMSELVES 9 to their homes the heavy coats they had brought for the steamer. I sent mine. i All the officers and the enlisted men are having regular drill every day. I asked for some drill for the nurses too, and we began yesterday, greatly to the delight of every one, the spectators as well as those participating. We have regular setting-up exercises as well as some military formations so that we can march in decency and order when we have to. On shipboard standing on one foot and raising the other knee is apt to be accompanied with some merriment. And some of our fat doctor officers have more or less diffi- culty lying down flat on their stomachs and getting up very fast. But by the end of the voyage we all may be very proficient. At any rate it is awfully good for the digestion. Speaking of diges- j tion, we are having excellent food and, as is al- ways the way on a steamer, altogether too much of it. The dining-saloon holds us all at one sitting, which is pleasant. No. 10 takes up all of one side and No. 21 the other and the few civilian passen- gers sit in the middle. I was assigned to a very good stateroom all by myself. Then yesterday the purser moved me into a still larger and better room, where I have a table and a droplight, which is more lux- ury than I ever traveled with before. People are all so good to us. Even the stewards and the 10 FINDING THEMSELVES stewardesses, most of whom are English, seem to be only too glad to do what they can to make us all comfortable. There have been a few sea- sick nurses, which is hard to explain, as the weather has been perfect and the ocean very smooth. To-day there is a slight roll, but not enough to notice. Every day there is target practice with the guns. Empty barrels are thrown overboard and the gun crews shoot at them with the big guns that are on the forward and after decks. Evening prayers are held every evening at 9.30, and yesterday -we had church service and had all the enlisted men up. Our [Chaplain] Dean Davis is a real man. We got a choir together yesterday and last evening had some fancy sing- ing, which an overly critical person might call bellowing. It is a mixed choir and it certainly can sing. Now it is time I studied some French. Friday afternoon. May 25. Since I last wrote we have had some real weather, and such a lot of sick people ! Doctors as well as nurses succumbed; and great was the misery. To-day it is bright and sunny again and not so cold, and everybody is recovering. It was up along the Banks and opposite Labrador, I guess, where it was the worst. It was cold and rainy and really very rough, so much so that we had to have the racks on the tables. I have not been FINDING THEMSELVES 11 sick a minute myself, but there was one day when I was not much interested in eating. Still I did not miss a single meal. It is a heavenly day to-day. We are already ! in or near the danger zone and extra precautions are being taken. It all seems so queer. To-night . we are not to undress, and the few nurses who are on the deck below this one, where most of them are, are to sleep to-night in the doctor-oflfi- cers' rooms on the upper deck and the latter are to sleep in the sitting-rooms. There h^s been some special target practice when no passengers were allowed on deck, and there was an elaborate boat drill this afternoon. It is all strange business and still most incomprehensible to me. I still feel as if I were dreaming and that in a few min- utes I would wake up. We are due to land Sun- day afternoon at Liverpool, it seems, and are scheduled to go to London. But after that all is shrouded in mystery. My crowd of nurses are fine and have been behaving splendidly- Com- paring them to the Philadelphia bunch I feel that I have no reason to be ashamed of them or to fear for what they are going to do. They have all shown a splendid spirit and seem to be full of enthusiasm and eagerness to show what Mis- souri can do when it tries. I feel perfectly sure they are going to be a loyal, hard-working group. 12 FINDING THEMSELVES All the nice things that people sent to eat and read have been greatly appreciated. I was just swamped with nice things, but there have been lots of people to enjoy them with me. I have slept and slept and read and read and shall be in fine shape when we land. I was pretty tired when we started and was not sleeping as I should because of the multiplicity of details that were on my mind. Except for the sick nurses the responsibility has let up a lot here on the boat, but will of course begin again when we land. My Squad Leaders have proved most efficient. Miss Dunlop of No. 10 and I have had some very nice talks. I shall be sorry to lose her advice and assistance when we go our separate ways. She is considerably older than I am and much more experienced. For destinations there are rumors of Mesopotamia, Saloniki, Russia, England, and the North of France. Take your choice. It's a great game to be traveling thousands of miles and not know where you are going, nor how long you are going to stay, nor really what you are going to do when you get there. We may even be in camp some- where. All the camp equipment is with us. Well, I like the game anyway. Last night all my dear little nurses [in St. Louis] were having their graduation exercises without me. I hope they got the little speech I sent them, poor as it was. We were thinking of them. One FINDING THEMSELVES 13 of the men at our table is keeping one of his watches at St. Louis time, so at every meal we discuss what is going on in St. Louis. When this letter reaches you, you will know that everything is well with us. You will know that before then, come to think of it. For it will take a long time for letters to get back to the U. S. A. It is going to be ages before we shall receive letters from you, worse luck. I have enjoyed Elsie's ginger and her book ever so much and Mother's wonderful Dean box is going to continue to be a delight for a long time. I am going to try to take the box along for eats, and to keep it for that. I am not sure yet just how much luggage I can manage and I seem to have accumulated a good deal more than I started with. The Ever Warm Safety Suit is awfully nice to have. I trust I shall not have to use it, but it is nice to have aroimd anyway. There are several of them on the boat. This letter can be kept just for the family. I am writing others to St. Louis. I do hope Philip ^ will be coming along over soon and that it won't take long to find out where he is. Don't you worry about me one least little bit. I am having the time of my life and wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world. Good-by for now. I hope all your sunmier * Her younger brother, a doctor. 14 FINDING THEMSELVES plans will work out smoothly and happily for you all. Lovingly Julia. Sat. May 26. — First night in danger zone safely passed and everything O.K. My bunch all went to bed and slept finely. Liverpool, The Adelphi Hotel. Monday, May 29, 1917. Dearest Family : — I do not know how I am ever going to manage to write down all the things I am learning and all the wonderful impressions that are beginning to crowd upon me. But I feel as though I could not bear to lose them ; and so many new ones will come every day, I surely will lose them if I don't write them down at once. We arrived last evening but did not dock until this A.M. at 7.30. We were met by a Colonel B., who said he came to welcome us in the name of the Director-General and the King. He was an extremely affable old tall thin boy in a much- decorated uniform and a swagger stick. He told us we were to stay in Liverpool 24 hours, the nurses at the Adelphi and the doctors at the Northwestern, and that to-morrow at 11 we are to be conducted to London, to stay there at the Waldorf Hotel four or five days, and then to be FINDING THEMSELVES 15 sent to France. He said the Cleveland Unit had already been sent over, the Boston one was to go to-day, and the New York one Wednesday. The Philadelphia Unit and we are to stay together as far as London, but will be sent to separate destinations. We know where we are to go, but if I should tell you now the censor would cut it out. We can tell you later, not before. Any- way we are delighted, for we are to have lots of work, and mighty hard work too. We have been told considerable details about what we are to do, but I shall have to wait before I can tell you about it all. We reached the hotel about 11 and were as- signed to rooms with the greatest dispatch and courtesy. I have a most luxurious room and bath. After lunch I gave some directions to the squad leaders ^ about letting the nurses do what they wanted the rest of the day, in parties not larger than four, etc., in order not to be conspicu- ous, and then I came upstairs to sit down in quiet and read the paper and rest. I took a nice little nap and had a perfectly good bath, and a little before five was telephoned to that Miss Dunlop, the Chief Nurse of No. 10, and a Colonel J. wished me to come down to tea. I went on down and found Miss D., Colonel B., and Colonel J. in the * Miss Stimson had organized her nurses, for convenience d direction, into squads of eight for the journey, each with its leader. 16 FINDING THEMSELVES lounge, which was filled with a gay crowd of people having tea and listening to the orchestra. There were lots of uniforms, and many limping, bandaged soldiers, and I had my first heartache over the one-legged young officers. Pretty soon Colonel J., who is the English mem- ber of the R. A. M. C. (Royal Army Medical Corps) who is to escort us nurses to London to-morrow, went and brought over to our table a friend of his, a Major F., also R. A. M. C. This last man was a lean, hollow-eyed man of about 40, who pretty soon got talking, and for the next hour I heard such tales as I hardly ever thought could be true. He had been a German prisoner of war for eleven months. On the way to the prison camp he had been kept in a railway carriage without food or water for three days. At Ger- man towns through which the train passed and where they always stopped, he said it frequently happened that women in Red Cross uniforms came to the stations and offered the prisoners cups of tea or milk and held them to their lips, only to snatch them away again and jeer and call them **schweinhund.'* He told of the treat- ment in the camps, where the prisoners in the dead of winter had only the rags of their uniforms to 'wear, their great coats had been taken away from them, and they slept on sacks of straw with- out even a tent or any kind of a roof over them. FINDING THEMSELVES 17 He said he saw men die at the rate of seven a day from starvation. He said he never in all his hospital experience has seen such emaciation from either cancer or tuberculosis as he saw among the prisoners there who were starving. He saw men kiss the shoes of their guards and beg like babies for bread. Not the British Tommies but some of the other prisoners did this. The men had no opportunity to wash and no soap. Their beards and hair hung down to their waists and were alive with lice. He was in several different prison camps. The final one was one where he was sent as a punishment for writing a letter of protest to the American Ambassador. The letter was never delivered, and he was sent to a camp where he was the only British person among thousands of Russians. He had complained be- cause parcels sent to prisoners by their friends were not delivered to them but were allowed to rot and mildew and be eaten by rats. He was exchanged after eleven months' torture, he called it, in January, 1916. He himself had dysentery and scurvy but not typhus. After he recov- ered he was put in charge of a hospital ship, which was recently torpedoed. Of the 600 sick and wounded that he had on board he lost only 27. He told of a hospital ship crossing the Channel just behind his ship on one trip within 500 yards 18 FINDING THEMSELVES of his ship and of its striking a mine. There were no wounded on board at the time, but 12 nurses and ojfficers and crew. One of the destroyers which was convoying his ship went to the rescue and got alongside the sinking hospital ship and a little French trawler also got alongside. Nine of the 12 nurses and the men all jumped and landed on the destroyer, but no sooner were they on that boat than it also struck a mine and was blown to atoms, and everybody on it and on the trawler was blown to bits. The three nurses who were in the water were picked up by Major F — 's boat. He is here in Liverpool fitting up another hospital ship and will probably be ordered East again to bring back more wounded. He asked if Miss Dunlop and I would like to see his ship. Would we ? We got our coats in a jiffy and flew off with him in a taxi to one of the docks quite a way off. His boat is a big ship that was a passenger ship between here and South America. He has taken out the cabins and made big wards and has accommodations for 800 sick or wounded men. I never saw anything so cleverly done as the way he is making over that ship. He has a splendid operating room, an X-Ray complete equipment, a i^team laundry, and abso- lutely everything that a modern big city hospital has. It will be ready to sail, he said, in ten d.iys, although to us there seemed to be an enormous FINDING THEMSELVES 19 amount yet to do. They no longer have women nurses on the hospital ships. We came back from the dock by an "overhead" tram and got here about eight o'clock, although it was as light as four o'clock. Miss Dunlop and I then went to dinner together. Ruth Cobb and Rachel Watkins (our nice dietitian) spent the afternoon in Chester and had a wonderful time, they said. People are so wonderfully nice. The kids on the street salute us, and people come up and ask if we aren't American nurses and if they can't do something for us, and take nurses to tea and put them on the proper trams and show them all sorts of courtesies. I had just come in to start to write, about nine o'clock, when Major Murphy ^ was announced, and I went down to see him. He had called to see if there was anything he could do for us and to find out if we were all right. They are so consid- erate and good to us. I told him of our wonderful experience this afternoon, and just then Colonel J. and Major F. hove in sight and as I wanted Dr. Murphy to hear some of Major F — 's tales I introduced him, and soon left them, to come up here and write. It is now almost eleven and Miss Dunlop has been in to tell me the latest instructions she has received from her Majors. We always have to * Director of the Unit. 20 FINDING THEMSELVES compare instructions and see which of us knows the most about what is going to happen. If we have the same experiences as the nurses of the two previous Units, we are to be much f^ted in London, and are to be reviewed by the Queen. We have been trying desperately hard on ship- board to learn how to march and keep step and to right about face without falling over ourselves, but I fear we won't be much on looks when it comes to being reviewed. I trust we are not ex- pected to curtsy. And now I must hustle to bed, for to-morrow will be an exciting day. Good night and so much love to you all. If only you were all having this wonderful experience with me nothing more could be desired. J. Wednesday, June 6, 1917. Dearest Family : — I have not written since that day in Liverpool, and now we have been ten days in London. If only I had the ability to write what we have seen and what we have felt. The contrasts have been so great some of us have almost lost our mental equilibrium. We are f^ted and cheered and taken from one entertainment to another and made much of by people of every class; and then be- tween such social affairs we visit hospitals, mili- tary hospitals, because it is necessary for us to FINDING THEMSELVES 21 see how such hospitals are run. First we see 1700 men, young men with faces or arms or legs blown off, and then we go to a tea at a fancy club ; next we see 500 blinded men fighting their way back into normal life by learning various occupations, then we are taken in a body to the silliest musical comedy that was ever staged. Again we see thousands of crippled soldiers brought out to see the King give decorations to 350 heroes and heroines, soldiers and nurses, or "the next of kin" all in black, and we nearly choke when a blinded officer is led up to the King by his orderly who directs his every move, and lame men go hobbling up to receive their medals, and we watch the King use his left hand to shake hands with one man, because the man's right arm is gone, and then we go to St. Paul's and see the Stars and Stripes carried up to the altar with the 64 British flags to be blessed at an "Empire day" service, while thousands and thousands of people sing "O God, our help in ages past." Do you wonder that our emotions are wearing us to a frazzle? It is not only feminine emotions that are affected, because there are those of our directors who said they could not go to St. Dun- stan's (the hospital school for blind soldiers) because they would not be able to sleep for nights afterwards. It is a mistake not to see such a wonderful place, however. There never was a 22 FINDING THEMSELVES more cheerful, hopeful place in the world. Sir Arthur Pearson, the blind man who runs the place and is its inspiration, is doing the kind of recon- structing of lives that probably has no parallel in the world. He is having the men taught not just the trades and occupations that blind men are taught in other places, but all sorts of things. We saw men learning anatomy, who after a year's most strenuous training will be certificated mas- seurs. They take the regular examinations that the sighted people take and get excellent marks, and always get positions. There were men learn- ing cobbling and carpentry, and chicken-farming and shorthand and typewriting and matmaking and weaving and basketry. The whole place was full of whistling, singing men who were going about their business as though they were like everybody else in the world instead of in total darkness forever. There were 500 of these men. People tell me that English men and women have passed the emotional stage and have now settled down to work without the waste of riotous emotions and bursting feelings. It must be so or they would be dead, and they could not be doing the wonderful "war work" that each one of them is engaged in. From the highest to the lowest each woman has her work, her nursing, her pre- paring vegetables in hospitals (as Mrs. Waldorf Astor's sister was doing), her making of supplies. FINDING THEMSELVES 23 her managing a hospital in a private housej her organizing "hostels" for nurses, raising funds, everything that one can conceive of as a job for women is being done, as never before. Of course the street-sweeping by women is a kind of war work, and the bus conductoring, and deliver- ing mail and telegrams, and driving cars and am- bulances. The streets are full of women in uni- forms of all sorts, all smart and business-like. Women in England are coming into their own. What is to happen after the war when the men come back can well fill the minds of those who are given to prophesy changes, for a change is tak- ing place here that can never be undone. In addi- tion to women taking a new place in the working world, class distinctions are being broken down in a way that is making itself felt to those who a few years ago could never have dreamt that such a change was possible. A few days ago Miss Dunlop and I were lunching with a Lady H. on Carlton House Terrace, overlooking St. James Park. In front of her house is the famous Crimean monument, flanked on one side by the beautiful statue of Florence Nightingale and on the other side by a statue of the father of the husband of our hostess. In the course of the talk at the luncheon, which was most informal and frugal, the conversation turned to the most-talked-of subject at meals nowadays, her "work," and Mrs. «4 FINDING THEMSELVES A., who has a thousand-bed hospital on her grounds at C. and who spends almost her entire time in the wards, not nursing but talking and cheering the men up, said the men don't know it, but they are giving us far more than we are giv- ing them, and Lady H. replied : "Our whole out- look is changing. Take, for instance, us here to-day. A short while ago you (meaning Miss D. and me) and we (meaning Mrs. A., Sir Harry L., the other guest, an elderly man who had recently lost his only son, and herself) would have had nothing in common, and now we have everything in the world." This was said most simply and sincerely and was what she really felt. I can't tell you the number of people who have given us this same impression, and I can't begin to tell you how they all have tried to express to us what they think about our coming over to help them. Many individuals have talked to us sepa- rately with tears in their eyes and the warmest handshakes, and we have had speeches made to us in theaters by actresses and managers, who have led the whole audience in cheers. We have been stopped constantly on the streets by people who have asked us if we were not some of the "Ameri- can Sisters" and wasn't there some way in which they could express to us their appreciation of what we had come to do. Could they not take us to their homes and give us tea, and could they FINDING THEMSELVES M not come to our hotel and take us out in groups to sigLtsee, and could they not send us tickets to this or that, and could they not make special arrangements to have Towers of London, and the Zoological Gardens and Lambeth Palaces and Houses of Parliament and such little things opened for us at unusual hours? We have been literally swamped with kindnesses. One officer has made himself almost a nuisance by giving us theater tickets for every single night and has been so insistent that every single nurse should go out to see something every night that we have come to dread his daily telephone calls or visits. Mrs. Page had a reception for us and Mrs. White- law Reid, and the Archbishop of Canterbury asked us to tea, and we spent a wonderful after- noon at Cliveden, and Sir Thomas Lipton sent us all chocolates and invited some of us to motor out to his place. The Royal Overseas Officers Club gave a reception for us, the American Woman's Club opened its doors to us. We have been sent choir seats at St. Paul's for special services and special tickets to the Royal Livestiture, and there have been a number of other things which lords and ladies of high degree have asked us to in greater or lesser groups. To-morrow there is luncheon for me at Lady P.'s (a St. Louis woman whose sister I know), then a motor ride to somewhere on the Thames to see 26 FINDING THEMSELVES a hospital where the nursing is done by New Zealand women. In the evening there is dinner for Miss D. and me with Mrs. F., the editor of the British Journal of Nursing, and after that I hope to get out to Elizabeth M.'s to spend the night, as I am afraid that will be my last chance to see her, as we are due to leave Saturday the 9th. I spent a most beautiful Simday with her last Sunday, going to church with her in the morn- ing and just sitting and talking with her most of the afternoon. She has two splendid boys, Jim just four and John about 18 months. Jim, Sr., is doing three men's work, it would seem, on the go from early morning till 10 or 11 at night. E. seems very well. She is this year most sensibly putting all her time into taking care of her men folks large and small. I had a little call this after- noon on Lady H.-H., and found her most lovely to look at and charming. We had such a nice talk and wasted no time on preliminaries. I am going to a special service with her in the morning at Westminster Abbey in St. Faith's Chapel. My nurses are all pawing the ground, they are so eager to get to work. Lovingly, Julia. Extract from letter from Lady H.-H. to Mrs, L. in New York : — "Thank you for sending me a letter by your FINDING THEMSEL\^S 27 most interesting and delightful niece. I wish I might have seen more of her and her wonderful contingent of nurses. I went to the Waldorf Hotel to talk to them all at 8 : 30 on Friday night. I can't tell you what I said, but they seemed satisfied and I felt that it drew me nearer to you and your wonderful nation, and I wish it were possible to come to you and help you bear the heavy cross and suspense and anxiety. I know every step of the way and what it means, the long, weary march on the road of sorrow. But now God has let me see the glory and the triumph of it all, and I am no longer afraid." France, Monday, June 11, 1917. Dearest Daddy and Mother and all of you : — We have at last arrived ! I wish I could tell you where, but I can't. This much I believe I can say, that it is on the outskirts of a large city, a beauti- ful old city. Our particular hospital is on a race course, which looks now like a vast circus estab- lishment or a county fair, for it is covered with rows and rows of canvas tents, each of which holds about 14 beds. All around the edge are lovely thick trees, sycamores and locust they seem to be, under which are small conical tents, small single-room shacks of canvas and paper, and long, single-story "huts," as they are called. 28 FINDING THEMSELVES These huts are made of thin wood and roofed with tarred paper and are divided into single cubicles, the whole hut accommodating about 16 or 18 people. This part that I am describing is the nurses' corner of the paddock. It is really very beautiful, for the grass and hedges and trees are so green, and along the walks are little flower- beds, and pansies and geraniums and roses are all in bloom. If one looked only at this corner of the huge place, one might imagine oneself in some siunmer camp at home. But just a few hundred yards away are those scores of tents full of wounded, and every night more are brought in and others are sent away. This of course is the most beautiful time of year. The trees are full of birds, who chirp and sing all day long. And every few minutes along the road on the other side of our hedge troops go marching by. Some have bands and some whistle their marching tunes, but all march on and on. There are any number of hospital establishments like this all around here, and also thousands of troops of all sorts are in camp near. We got just a little glimpse of the situation as we were driven out here in huge motor ambulances from the station. We have not as yet gone over the hospital proper, for our luggage has not come and we have only our street uniforms, and the "Matron" says it is not wise for us to go into the hospital tent FINDING THEMSELVES 29 until we have our wash clothes. For the last two nights we have not had even our hand bags. When they come, they will be welcome. The lack of tooth brushes is our only serious lack. It is surprising how quickly one can accustom oneself to get along without frills like wash cloths and night-dresses ! And as for new titles, I already no longer turn a hair when I am introduced as " Matron " Stimson. My bad and disrespectful chil- dren come to me all the time and say "Matron," may I do this or that ? That is the way the Eng- lish sisters address their Chief Nurse. As we all arrived before we were expected my nurses have not been assigned to their regular rooms yet. Last night they all slept in some of the large hospi- tal tents that were empty. My place was got ready for me and is most attractive. I have two shutoff rooms at the end of one of the "huts.'*^ The whole width of the hut is 15 ft. The depth of my rooms is 11 ft. And there is a partition about 7 ft. high which cuts off my bedroom which is 6 ft. wide, leaving 9 ft., the width of the sitting- room. I will draw a kind of plan on the other side for those who are interested in the details. It is all unpainted, but, just think, there is an electric light in each room. That is far more luxury than I ever dreamed of. The fmmiture is of the simplest, but quite sufficient. I think the things that are in here now are to be taken away when the Eng- so FINDING THEMSELVES lish sisters go, and our own equipment is to re- place it. There are two casement windows in the sitting-room, and one in the bedroom. There are plain white curtains at them all, and there are small matting rugs on the floor. So you can see I am going to be most comfortable. There is a mess "hut," where all the nurses eat, and eat very comfortably and well, we have already dis- covered. All we want now is work to do, and we can see that coming, enough to satisfy the most energetic and ambitious of our number. The nurses are all off wandering around this morning. Some have gone to the city and some are taking walks along the country roads. The roads are so full of soldiers, some of r/hom wear turbans and carry scimitars, that they feel a little strange and out of place, but that feeling is likely to wear off soon. We hope that our things and our ofl5cers will arrive soon, but there is no telling. Now I must go back and tell you what I can of our crossing. Our last few days in London were like the first, chock full. I was particularly busy in helping make arrangements for sending one of our nurses home. It was a very sad and hard thing to have happened to the poor thing, and it was absolutely not her fault in any way but merely a technicality. When we were getting our passports at the American Embassy in London, those bom in England had to go to the British Em- FINDING THEMSELVES 31 bassy. Mrs. S. went with the others, and in an- swer to their question explained that many years ago she had married a German, but that ten years ago she divorced him. He married again and later died. But according to British law she is a German subject, because she married a German. So they refused to let her go to France and she had to be sent back to the States. Rather hard on her? She took it splendidly and waved us off from the Waterloo Station on Saturday in the bravest way. Both the Philadelphia Unit and ours left to- gether on a special train for Southampton. It is something of a trick to get 120 women into busses and on trains, and all their baggage too. But we have got it down to a pretty good system. Our eight squad leaders each pass on orders to their subleaders, then they each find the three people that belong to them and they are entirely responsible for them, and all I have to do is to ask the eight squad leaders if all of their groups are ready. The scheme has worked beautifully. Yesterday at noon on the boat we had an unex- pected order to be ready to disembark at once. And the whole 64 were lined up in squads inside of three minutes. We started out from Southamp- ton in a tender, but were transferred to a large hospital ship. We were wonderfully taken care of on board of her, as we have been on all our 82 FINDING THEMSELVES travels. They gave us an excellent dinner, and gave over to our use, large wards. So each nurse had a comfortable bed for the night. It was on the hospital ship that we got separated from our bags. They had been brought in "lorries" from the hotel, then put in luggage vans on the train, then transferred to the tender and then to the hold of the hospital ship. We had not known we were going to spend the night on the ship. You see we never know anything in advance for more than a few minutes. It was one of the most beauti- ful evenings I have ever seen. We got off in the big ship about seven, but the sunset wasn't really over until nearly ten. We were preceded by a destroyer and followed by one, and flying all around were aeroplanes. Sometimes we could see as many as ten or twelve. We were told that during the evening our destroyer in front rammed a submarine and stove in her own bow and had to be replaced by another, but other than that there was no excitement of any sort. About ten thirty I had all of my flock tucked in, with their dresses and shoes off and life belts handy. There wasn't an awful lot of sleeping done because at four we entered the harbor of Havre with much blowing of whistles, as it was raining and misty by that time. After breakfast we hung around on the boat, watching the unloading of the luggage and the separation of the belongings of the two FINDING THEMSELVES 88 Units. We also watched the taking on board of some trainloads of wounded soldiers who were being taken back to "Blighty." That is what they call England. The Sisters here say that what they want most of all is their "Blighty tickets." Just at 12, when we were about to go to lunch, we received word to get off the boat at once and get into motor ambulances which would take us to a station, where we were to take a train for about a three hours' ride. So with a hasty farewell to our friends of No. 10 we went off in the rain. We were pretty hungry and tired when we arrived at our city, but before the big motor ambulances came for us we had time to go to a pleasant little cafe garden and have high tea. Bread and butter, cold meat, and tea set us up immediately and we all felt like new women when we set off on our four-mile drive. Captain Allison and Chaplain Davis had been ordered to accompany us in our hasty departure, so they are the only officers of our Unit who are here with us. We have just heard that our things are to arrive this afternoon. We are all just hanging aroimd, that is why I have so much time to write. "Matron" said she would just carry on in the usual way and later she would show me what I am to do. The first thing we have to do is to find out how to do things in the English way, particularly the records. Then later the English sisters are to be with- 34 FINDING THEMSELVES drawn, we understand. We have not nearly enough nurses for this hospital, so some of the "V. A. D.'s" are to be left until we receive reenforcements from America. The "V. A. D.'s" are like our Nurse's Aids, Voluntary Aid Detachments. They have apparently done wonderful things during this war. They have no regular training, but after one or two years of active service they have many of them become very proficient. Here we find them doing all sorts of things. Some are in the tent wards, and some are detailed for mess duty and take entire care of the mess hut and the meals. In a New Zealand hospital that we visited there were five of the nicest "V. A. D.'s" doing all the cooking for 400 patients. They were women of maturity and position at home, who had come on from New Zealand at the request of the Matron in Chief and were serving entirely with- out pay and doing wonderful work. Their hut kitchen was the best-looking kitchen we had seen anywhere. We are told here that word has been sent back to the States that we need more help. I should like 65 more Red Cross nurses from St. Louis, or if I can't have them, 65 of the Nurse's Aids that we trained. They would certainly find here a suflScient outlet for their energies. They could be of the greatest help, and on the whole I do not know but that I should rather have the Aids that I know than a lot of trained nurses FINDING THEMSELVES 35 that I do not know. If Miss Bridge can get this word on to Miss Noyes, I hope she will. Our nurses' aids' blue uniforms and aprons would be excellent, but they would need some kind of a cap, I think, and certainly a traveling or outdoor uniform. I think our equipment is going to be fine. Rubber hats and rubber boots may be needed later, but we can get them very easily, I think, by sending to London, or possibly in the city here. I got a dandy rubber hat, in London. I am not to wear my white uniforms yet a while, at the Matron's suggestion, so that the people here can tell me from the rest of my group. There is now no way of distinguishing me from the rest except my height. My assistant matron, Miss Taylor, is the smallest in the Unit. The nurses have a good deal of fun about our appearance together. It has been fine to have so much time to write to-day, for when we get started I do not think we shall have much free time. And at night I do not know whether I can use this precious type- writer without disturbing all the other nurses on the other side of my room wall. I think I shall have to train them to get used to it. More march- ing feet tramping along, and helmeted heads appearing over the hedge ! You all seem so far away. Not a scrap of mail since we left and no immediate prospect of any. 86 FINDING THEMSELVES I am now due to go and have tea (the third time to-day) with "Matron" and the Senior Chaplain. So good-by for now. P. S. I decided not to draw a picture this time. Our baggage came and we are quite happy. So to-morrow we begin work. I hope you are all well and having a good time. Good night and loads of love to you all. J. Rouen, France. Sunday, June 17, 1917. We have been told in our instructions about letter-writing that we may now state where we are. So now you can all know definitely just where we are. We got our first mail from home day before yesterday, and I can tell you there was great excitement. It is just a month to-day since we left St. Louis and it seems like a year. The latest date of any of my letters was May 27th. But now that the letters have actually begun to come we feel more hopeful that we are not entirely cut off from our friends. It has been a rather dreary feeling to know that up to now, none of you knew where we were or where we were going, but soon we ought to be in regular communica- tion. We have been here just a week to-night and PINDING THEMSELVES 37 are beginning to get over our strangeness. We have learned much of our duties and do not now feel that we can never learn them all. All the nurses have their regular places of duty and are getting to know their patients, and what to do for them. Fortunately for them we have not received any new convoys of men during the week, but we have been sending some out every day or night ; but in a few days, after we are a little more accustomed to our duties, we shall begin to get in more wounded by the hundred. There are only five or six of the English nurses left here with us, and they are to go this week, we under- stand. The Matron, who is a most pleasant and helpful person, is to stay here another week, which gives me the shivers, for two weeks is an awfully short time in which to learn the ropes, and all this first week I have not been doing much more than attend to my nurses' work and their quarters, equipment, etc. But to-morrow I am going to retire to the Matron's oflfice and stay there. One of my little jobs is to hire cooks and maids for the nurses' mess and quarters, and I am also hunting a stenographer. Between 40 and 50 V. A. D.'s are to stay on with us here, and we are mighty glad to have them, for they are splendid. I understand that our C. O. (Command- ing Officer) has cabled home, or is going to cable home as soon as he has proper British authority 38 FINDING THEMSELVES to do so, for more help for this hospital. I have said that I want 40 more nm'ses and 25 carefully picked nurses' aids. I think Miss Bridge could pick out the ones that are the most capable and the most adaptable and the most willing to endure difficulties and do without luxuries and even some comforts. I feel quite sure that there are 25 of that kind among the large number that we trained these past months. I do hope that the Red Cross will give the authority for them to come out with the regular nurses. If this were a summer resort, people would say the weather could not be more delightful. I have my little table and typewriter and my camp chair out on the grass under the trees in the little grove where the nurses' quarters are. There is a delightful breeze, and the blue sky is full of fluffy white clouds. The sun is very warm, and down in the tents where the patients are it is not so ideally summer-resorty. But with the side awn- ings up, a nice breeze blows through and the men said they were very comfortable. The sun was so hard on some of the nurses who had to go in and out of the tents a great deal to do the dress- ings of the patients who are kept out of doors under big parasols or temporary awnings of some sort, that at Major Murphy's suggestion I got large, broad-brimmed hats for the whole lot. To-day they have found them a great comfort. FINDING THEMSELVES 39 They certainly look a bit informal with their large farmer hats on and their white dresses, but they look sensible and comfortable. We are likely to have trouble with the laundry question as water is scarce, also starch, and there are labor problems to be reckoned with. We all have white aprons that Mrs. R. insisted on our bringing from London. We are glad she did, as we already find we need them badly, not because of the laundry question but because of the nature of the cases. We have very badly wounded men and their dressings are terrible. Amputations are being done almost every day. Yesterday I went down to the "Theater Hut" to see how our nurses were going to handle a very bad case, for the "Theater Sister" is to be taken away soon. Our people at home would marvel to see what fine work can be done when all the water used has to be heated on top of a small oil stove and all the instruments boiled the same way. The poor boy whose leg had to be ampu- tated was in such bad shape, he could have only the minimum of a general anaeisthetic, but local anaesthesia was given. Besides having both legs badly hurt, his lower back is in terrible shape from injury; after the operation he was put on his face on his bed. Before eight o'clock one of the nurses held his head up so he could have a smoke! And this morning he says he is "in the i 40 FINDING THEMSELVES pink," which means feeling fine. It is perfectly wonderful, their fortitude, and it is making us all so ashamed for all the complaining we have done. Their bravery is harder to bear than anything else. The other day I nearly disgraced myself when the Matron took me with her to the large tent from which all outgoing patients are sent off in ambulances to the trains or boats. It is a large empty tent with benches around it where the "sitters" wait to have their papers and tickets looked over, and a dirt floor where the stretchers are put. Most of the men are smoking cigarettes as they wait. One man was pointed out to me as having both legs off and one arm and part of the remaining hand also, but he was smiling cheerfully and chaffing with the sisters, and although over- whelmed by the awfulness of his condition I did not grasp the full meaning of it until as I passed him he said, "Sister, will you put out my cigarette for me." Stooping over him, I took it out of his mouth and asked him if he didn't want any more of it as it wasn't half burned away. And he said, pulling out his huge bandaged hand from under the blanket, "No, sister, thank you, I only want a little of it since I can't take it out of my mouth after I once get it in." I wonder what any of you would do under circumstances like that. It seemed as though my throat would burst, and I had to think very quickly how absurd it would be for FINDING THEMSELVES 41 the new Matron to weep before all those heroic, stoical men and the matter-of-fact, externally brusque but inwardly most kind, English oflScer, and orderlies, so I got myself together speedily while I was putting out the cigarette in the sand with my boot toe. And he was only one, and there are thousands like him. Two of our men were buried by the explosion of a mine. The one who had his head out in the air put his hand over the face of the other so that the latter could breathe and did not suffocate, but the first was badly hurt in the chest. There are hundreds of stories like these. The nurses are always telling something new about their men. Little things that come out in the course of conversation, enough to fill a book. One of the most pitiful groups are the "shell shocks." The other night the explosion of shells could be dis- tinctly heard, and almost all these cases shook as though they were having convulsions all night. As one of them said, "Some poor devils are getting , theirs now." One interesting case was brought / in unable to speak several days ago. The other night he fell out of bed, and sat up and said "Sis- ter, I can talk now." These shell-shock cases are always falling out of bed, it seems. Yesterday I went to town for the first time since I have been here. I went for the straw hats. I went into the Cathedral, which is by far the most 42 FINDING THEMSELVES beautiful I have ever seen, I think, with the exception of that at Milan. It is going to be a constant joy to have that place to visit. Rouen is an interesting city and has good shops. It swarms with uniforms of all hues. I was glad to get all your letters yesterday and day before yesterday. According to the accounts of the very cold weather they had here last year our patients and any patients in the neighbor- hood are going to need all the warm knitted things they can get. Nurses say that the solutions in their bottles froze in the tents and their first early morning duties were to thaw out the bottles. We hear that this hospital is to be hutted before the Autumn, which will be much better for the winter, but even then there will not be any steam heat. When I have the Matron's office, which is the jockey-room of the grandstand of this old race course, I shall have a large table and some shelves, also a little stove for cold days. We are all so delighted and interested to hear from Elsie's letter that more Units are being ordered out. And we are all so glad we were in the first lot. A Colonel commanding a neighboring base has just been to call. He rode down, he said, to pay his respects to the "American Matron." He was very charming and we had a nice talk. He says he is going to ask us up to tea. He "goes in for a garden and all that, you know." I am meet- FINDING THEMSELVES 43 ing so very many delightful people. All the Matrons from the various hospital camps near have either been to call or invited us to concerts at their grounds. Last night there was such a pretty affair at the Australian camp,^ a concert, a kind of variety show given by members of the camp, orderlies, cooks, and other regular army people, but really very clever. It was out of doors, of course, under some lovely trees, and there must have been 400 to 500 people there as audience, all in uniform of some sort : mostly oflScers and nurses and Y. M. C. A. workers, etc. It began at 8 and lasted until about 10.30. Refreshments were served from a large tent, and it was all very pretty and very English. Ruth C — has just been in to see me a moment. She is on night duty and is working very hard. She says there never in the world were such won- derful patients, that no matter how much they are suffering they are "quite all right, thank you. Sister," and they won't ask for things, and when she asks them if they are in pain, they say, **Not too much. Sister." The first night she says she went all to pieces, but nobody saw her ; now she too is getting steadier. That first night she was responsible for 90 men, many of whom were in the most awful condition. It was no wonder 1 Hospital down on the opposite side of tbe race course. It was a promenade. 44 FINDING THEMSELVES that it got on her nerves a bit. She was so much interested in my letters from you, as she has had no word from St. Louis, in fact no letter at all as yet. I can really see very little of her since I am in charge and so much in the midst of the group all the time. In London, Miss Dunlop and I went to everything together, and here the Matron and I go in pairs, or my own assistant, Miss Taylor, and I. From a personal point of view there are lots of disadvantages in being the head. I have to be on show all the time and always have to meet people and be sociable and go to all the functions, and I hate having things better than the rest of my people. For instance, our table in the mess hall has a tablecloth instead of oilcloth, and sometimes we have little extra things like strawberries when the others don't. By and by things won't have to be that way. But the Matrons here are very much honored and set apart and kotowed to in a way that disturbs our democratic American spirit. Dad's letter was so wonderfully cheering and helpful. It is so pathetic the way one can lose sight of one's inspirations if one's feet are tired, or the way one can forget one is on a crusade if there is no drinking water to be had for half a day, and can be just an ordinary uninspired human female and be fretful and discouraged because you don't like the tone of voice of a supervisor. FINDING THEMSELVES 45 It is my job of course to keep before my people the why of our coming and to keep their spirits up. As the director said this morning, we must never be discouraged or depressed, that our biggest job is to keep our people full of enthusiasm. Sometimes it is hard if one's own head aches, but it really is not hard for those of us who under- stand the meaning of our being here. No coffee for breakfast can actually blind some people to visions, and tea offered them five times a day can make them speak in a way that will really antag- onize the people we have come to help. Our minds and bodies are funny things. There is not much thrill in putting your tired, luxury-loving body to bed on a hard camp cot after washing it as well as you can in a cup of warm water. We shall probably have mattresses issued to us when we can get them, but in the meantime the canvas cot is not so bad when it has a folded blanket in it. We have no business to bring ourselves up to be so finicky. Nobody should ever always "have to have two pillows or she can't sleep a wink" or be "terribly dependent on sugar" or "just has to have so much sleep" or "just can't touch a thing with cheese in it." Those of you who have kids to bring up, if you want to make them adaptable to every possible circumstance, do make them eat everything at any time, or be able to get along without any- 46 FINDING THEMSELVES thing. Make them sleep any way on anything at any time, and you are giving them something worth more than rubies. My nurses are not bad about these things. On the whole they are bricks, and I have had and am having the very minimum of trouble. I really have been proud of them, the fine way they traveled. There wasn't a murmur, only jokes, the day they had nothing to eat from 8 A.M. to 5 P.M., standing about all morning on the boat — there weren't seats enough to go around — and in the train all afternoon. Saturday, June 30, 1917. Dearest Dad and Mother and all the rest : — It is a cold, rainy day and you'd be surprised to know how really cold it is. At night the night nurses are already wearing all their heavy under- wear and their sweaters and their capes. I don't quite see how they are going to manage when real winter comes. It is hard to realize that it is only the end of June. We had just two warm days, but when the sun is out it gets warmed up around the middle of the day, but most days coats are very comfortable. I am having a new blue serge uniform made here in town, for I can foresee that, with my office work, I shall be wearing the "stuff" uniform much more than the white ones. My office which was the jockey-room of the grandstand. FINDING THEMSELVES 47 in one corner of the back, is a very pleasant room. It is about as large as the central one of our Training School oflBces at home. The furniture is a large plain table covered with a dark blanket, shelves and cupboards made of boxes, a small folding table, some camp stools, a couple of straight chairs, and some matting. But the effect is quite cozy, and some reddish art squares on the stained boxes make the room quite cheerful. I have not written for about two weeks, for there has been very little to write and I have not felt much like writing, since we have had no mail at all since those first few letters that reached us here just after we got here. I have kept think- ing that I would put off writing until I had some letters to answer. But none have come. To-day the doctors got a whole batch, but there were only two letters for the nurses. That is the way our mail has been coming through, one or two letters at a time. It seems very probable that some of our mail has been lost or missent, for the few of us who have received letters say that reference is made in them to previous letters which have never arrived. For a whole week now I have been entirely "on my own" here with the nursing, and the hospital has not stopped ! We have been contin- uing to get in convoys and to send them out, not big ones but varying from 30 to 100 patients. 48 FINDING THEMSELVES The other night at midnight I went down to the receiving tent to see how a convoy coming in was managed, and it was one of the most interest- ing hours I ever spent. The big marquee has about two feeble electric lights in it; some of the doctors had electric torches, but it was all very dim and spooky. The ambulances backed up near to the door, and our stretcher bearers were all there ready to receive their patients by the time they had stopped. We get telephone messages when to expect a convoy. The stretchers are brought in and laid on the dirt floor as close together as possible. Then another group of n^en begin at once to examine the tickets that are fastened to the coat of each man, and assign them to particular tents where men with similar injuries or in similar condition are taken care of. Another couple of men hand 6ut steaming hot soup, and the doctors talk to the men a little, but do not examine them there at all. Then very quickly the stretcher bearers come and carry out the men that have been assigned, out through the opposite end of the tent out into the darkness off to a bed in some comfortable tent where a nurse and an orderly are waiting to get the poor tired creature into bed. They give baths if they can; and get the infected and dirty clothes listed and off to the fumigator, and unless the patient is in very bad condition let him go right off to sleep. The FINDING THEMSELVES 49 doctors have found that the men are much more in need of a good sleep than of a doctor's care right off, and, unless absolutely necessary, dress- ings are not changed until the morning. That night 64 men, most of them stretcher cases, wer^ brought in, assigned, given soup, and taken off to their wards (tents) in 25 minutes, which you see is pretty speedy work. The men have very little to say when they first come in. They are tired out and forlorn and often in pain and dazed. They some of them seem surprised to see Americans taking care of them, but they don't say much. They answer wearily, "Not so bad. Sister" or "A bit rocky, sir," but later some of them tell most awful stories. One of them told the other day of getting caught on a barbed wire entanglement on which he was thrown by the explosion of a shell and of hang- ing there all day before he was rescued. It had happened early in the morning, and the rescuing party could not get to him until after dark. Another told of lying out between two lines of trenches three days. He was hurt in the hip and could drag himself only a few inches at a time. He got water from the bottles of the dead soldiers. We get not only surgical cases but a good many medical ones, pleurisy, nephritis, trench fever, lots of them, and all sorts of heart conditions. We also get a good many not due to military 50 FINDING THEMSELVES life, appendicitis, injuries from kicks from horses, infections, etc., but most axe "G. S. W" (gunshot woimd). Some axe unbelievably awful, whole parts blown away, as for instance all the flesh across the shoulders or between the thighs, where a shell tore right through from behind. I cannot see how some of them live, and live so bravely and cheer- fully. And it is not only the men that are brave but the women too. This afternoon I have been try- ing to arrange for one of our "B. V. D.'s," as the doctors call them, meaning the "V. A. D.'s" to get a permit to go to a hospital in E., where her brother is. He has been wounded but not seri- ously enough to be sent back to England. She has had one brother killed, another is a prisoner, and now this youngest brother is wounded, and she is the cheeriest, bravest little thing you ever saw. Another has had three brothers killed, and you would never dream it to see her. A third, whose fianc6 was killed about a month ago, I am a little worried about ; she is driving herself into the work so hard. Oh, there are so many pitiful people over here it keeps one's heart torn up the whole livelong time. You can't get away from the sorrows of people ever. Not that one wants to, if there is anything that can be done, but at home there are times, thank God, when one can forget all the woe of the world, and pain and sor- FINDING THEMSELVES 51 row, but not here. It is before your eyes every waking minute and in your ears even in your sleep when the feet go marching, marching by. Last evening I had a beautiful walk with doctor Veeder. The sunset was glorious, and we walked along roads that looked like Corot pictures. After quite a long time we came out from our woodsy road to an open space which seemed to extend away for a mile or so without any grass or any trees on it. It was getting dark and we could not distinguish things clearly, but Dr. Veeder said he thought this was the place where the daily practice in trench warfare went on. We walked a bit over the very rough field and heard voices, though we could not see any one. Pretty soon an officer appeared from nowhere, and when we asked him if we could look around, he said ** Certainly," and he himself conducted us. The field had been made into a regular practice battle field. It was criss-crossed with trenches and craters. But the worst was the dummy men placed all over everywhere. These dummy men the men have to learn to bayonet as they rush by, so as to learn how to use their bayonets even in the narrow trenches. Our officer and another who joined us explained things to us and told us it was a relief to have some one new, to talk to, as they have to stay out there in the trenches with their men from 10 p.m, to 9 a.m. when they are re- 52 FINDING THEMSELVES lieved by another batch. It was most wonderfully interesting; but impresses the horror of warfare on me even more than it has been impressed be- fore. The trenches were most wonderfully and elaborately made and have dugouts and lines of communication and bayous and many other tech- nical things which I could not grasp fully at the first hearing. Another incident that happened to one of my nurses this past week made more very vivid impressions. I say "incident" because that is all it was in the life of the camp, but the young woman said it was the most interesting day she ever spent. She, Miss Cuppaidge, had been de- tailed to go with a doctor, an anaesthetist, and an orderly to a "Casualty Clearing Station." When called for, small groups like this are sent up from the base hospital whenever there is a big drive. I received an order that Miss Cuppaidge was to go for her "gas training" at a certain time. The group is just got ready and kept at their regular jobs until an order comes for them to proceed to the "C. C. S." At the appointed time for the training Miss Cuppaidge went to the "gas school" in the neighboring training camp. There she and four others, nurses from other hospitals, were taken in charge by an officer. They first had minute instructions about properly adjusting their gas masks. These are rather complicated. FINDING THEMSELVES 53 as they are regular respirators. A piece through which they breathe has to be held in the mouth, and a pair of padded clamps shut off the nose. This is inside the mask which fits around the face and is held on by straps around the head. They must learn to put on the things and fix the clamps and mouth pieces in six seconds. They then have to learn how to breathe just through the mouth without choking or what is worse. Miss Cuppaidge said, without dribbling. They also have to get used to the queer sensa- tion in the ears when they swallow. When the ' masks are all right and everybody is breathing all right, they are put into a gas-filled room. This gas is just a tear gas. They are left there five minutes, then taken out and they are asked about irritated eyes. If there is irritation the masks are leaking or improperly adjusted. They are then taken into trenches where other gases are liberated to get them used to the odors, so that they can detect the presence of gas quickly. Some gases are so deadly three breaths of it will cause death, hence the hurry in quick detection and quick adjustment of masks. Some of these gases travel six and seven miles. As near as I could make out the gases are mainly of two sorts, a chlorine gas and a ** phosgene " one. The oflScer lectured to the nurses upon the effects of these gases and about the treatment of them and in 54 FINDING THEMSELVES the middle of the afternoon sent them home smell- ing like the dickens, but, as Miss C. said, entirely unafraid of gas and quite prepared to guard against it if they meet it. Their gas outfits they have hitched to them all the time when near the place they are likely to meet it. We shall have other small groups go up to the C. C. S. after this one is called out and I mean to be detailed to go with one. These parties stay sometimes only a few days and sometimes a few weeks, but I certainly mean to go if I can persuade the authorities to let me leave Miss Taylor in charge. I have so little contact with the patients and so little of anything but oflice work and receiving oflScials and company of all sorts I believe that they would think I ought to have a little of the real war work. The hospital end of my work is going very smoothly, because I have excellent supervisors, and the head nurses are all doing very well. For those who are interested I will mention that Miss Stebbins is the Day Surgical Supervisor, Mrs. Hausmann the Night Med. Sup., Miss Habenicht is the Day Med. Sup., and Miss Claiborne the Night Surg. Sup. The place is so big and there are so many lines of tents to be covered we have a supervisor for the medical side and a separate one for the surgical side both night and day. Some of you people at home would be amused FINDING THEMSELVES 55 to see our night supervisors on a rainy night. In rubber hats, coats, and rubber boots and carry- ing a lantern they go ducking about in and out of tents, having a beautiful time, they say, splash- ing about and tripping over tent ropes. Any way we all seem to be thriving under these new condi- tions. We all are getting very brown. All have enormous appetites and can eat with relish the tinned bully beef that we get four or five times a week and the hard dark war bread. Never again will I talk about wrapped bread. Here, as somebody said the other day, loaves of bread are used to spike the cart wheels. But we eat it just the same in huge slices. Our food question is a problem. It does not need to be as poor as it is, and I mean to see pretty soon that it is improved. The trouble really is with the help. My domestic problems are driv- ing me crazy, but this last week I appealed for help and Captain Veeder has been asked to assist me to clean our places and work out some kind of scheme. Our kitchen is one of the old stalls, quite open at the end as stalls are. Other stalls are used for storage, and oh the dirt. I had not been assigned enough help at first and anyway there had been such a muddle of V. A. D.'s working in the Mess, some old good-for-nothing soldiers, hangers-on, and a few Belgian girls who help take care of the nurses' room and do odd jobs. 56 FINDING THEMSELVES I could not possibly see what I was going to do with the place for some time. To add to my diffi- culties the V. A. D.'s draw a certain ration from the British quartermaster and pay into the Mess a certain amount of money, and the American nurses' ration was to be quite different, and the whole arrangement quite different. There are 40 V. A. D.'s and 64 nurses. Consider the problem. I got some fairly decent French women to come and ch ^n and help cook. The American man cook could not talk to them and had a fit, for whenever his back was turned, they did things he did not mean to have done. I got the place cleaned only by getting extra fatigue men up with shovels and brooms. We are to be whitewashed to-morrow. An extra American has been put on to keep the other man company and give him somebody to talk to ! The French women are to keep on clean- ing and are to do the dishes that the British soldiers have been swishing aroimd in tubs of cold water. The V. A. D.'s are gradually being put in the wards, where they won't have a chance to have tea so many times a day. Everybody can have it five times a day if desired ! While waiting to hear from Washington about increased rations on account of the greatly in- creased cost of food over here we are taxing every- body a franc a day for extra green things for the Mess. The U. S. A. allows 40 cents a day per FINDING THEMSELVES 57 nurse for messing. The usual custom is to draw not as many rations as there are persons to pro- vide for, then to draw the difference in money and buy extra things with the money. But over here that scheme at 40 cents a day cannot work, food is too high. So a cable has been sent to Wash- ington. The doctors are not having this trouble because they always expect to buy most of their food out of their salaries. They draw their regular rations and buy lots of stuff, then divide the cost among the whole group. They have a much smaller group to take care of and are not compli- cated as I am by the servant or V. A. D. problem. They have American men looking after them. Oh well, I can begin to see light ahead now, and although no one likes the food, as it is they are not starving. A slice of ham all dried up to noth- ing and dark army bread and tea and possibly a little marmalade does not make a very good breakfast for Americans, but it will keep one going if enough bread and butter is eaten. We are now getting coffee, such as it is, and I mean to see about cereal very soon. Eggs have been seven cents apiece, not centimes but cents. I am not letting my perfectly good dietitian put her ener- gies on this domestic problem of ours, for I am keeping her for the poor sick soldiers, and in a few days or Weeks I mean to have a regular diet kitchen started for her. My "Home Sister" is 58 FINDING THEMSELVES finding the complication of four kinds of help and several languages almost too much for her, but between us all we shall plow through this mire, and now that Dr. Veeder has turned his attention upon our difficulties I am sure we shall get through them all right. You ought to hear me engage servants in French. They understand and come. When they see some of the difficulties of lack of hot water, etc., they go, and I have to begin all over again. It is a great life. One of the greatest things about it is meeting so many different kinds of people. Two such nice Australian Sisters were here to call upon me this afternoon. And the New Zealanders are so very polite and nice, and these little V. A. D.'s are charming. Anyway I am glad I am here, only I wish you were all here too. Then things would be ideal. You'd all love this beautiful country, and this quaint old city that is nearly swamped under this enormous influx of strange foreign people. The paper to-day says (we get a little single-leaf edition of the London Daily Mail) that our troops have landed in France. I hope thousands more come along soon, so that all this beastly business can be stopped soon. People are counting on the coming of our troops so much. Everybody says France needs help badly. Surely our forces can bring an end to all this frightfulness. No mail yet. None at all except FINDING THEMSELVES 59 those written for my birthday. Oh well, that is f war. Loads and loads of love to you all. [ Sunday, July 8, 1917. Rouen, France. Such a nice lot of letters as we got to-day. There is very little difference between Sundays and other days here, except perhaps a little more business than usual is done on Sundays, but mail comes and goes these days just like other days. Ever since we came only one or two letters for nurses have been dribbling along through until to-day when some people got as many as 12 or 14 letters, and great was the rejoicing thereat. Dr. Veeder can do no medical work at all just now, Phil will be interested to know, or in fact doctoring of any kind. At the present time he is spending his entire time quartermastering. He is entirely responsible for the officers' mess and does all the buying and planning, arranging about cooks, cleaning up, etc., and he is doing it well too, and with a mighty good grace. He has been helping us up at the "Sisters' Mess" with our problems and has been pursuing coal to its lair, and getting whitewash from nowhere, and doing all sorts of miracles that only a very persistent and determined man can do. The result is that all the doctors and nurses are able to do their work in a much better way than if a less efficient 60 FINDING THEMSELVES person were back of their food and comfort. But Dr. Veeder's spirit in doing his particular job and doing it well, even though it is so abso- lutely different from what he was trained for, and what he would prefer, is the spirit which is found throughout the whole organization. It does one's heart good to see the way men who are Ph.D.'s can do regular orderly work, and put a lot into it, and get a lot out of it, and the way accountants can be stretcher bearers, and other highly trained men do the rough work in laboratory and mess hall. There is a remarkable spirit of service and glad service everywhere. Of course there have been a few grumblers who have complained that they did not come 'way out here to do this or that, but most of the men have been converted by coming into contact with the attitude of men like Dr. Murphy. All that has been neces- sary is a few words from him to make them pretty much ashamed. And words haven't been neces- sary often. For when they realize that Dr. Murphy has not performed a single operation since he has been here, but has been putting all his ability in organizing and administering, and being up nights and days, seeing convoys out and convoys in, seeing that they are all properly ticketed and all their forms are properly made out, finding out why sufficient oil has not been left for the FENDING THEMSELVES 61 lanterns of the night orderlies, why only 6 eggs were delivered to one of the tents when 12 were ordered, letting the nurses know who the right person is to give the up-patients permission who wish to leave the compound to attend the Catholic Church across the road, going personally to buy a better oil stove for the night-nurses' supper hut, finding out why the ward-master did not notify a particular nurse long enough before a convoy was to go out so that her patient could be ready, etc. etc. — when they realize all these things and a thousand more that he is doing all the time that he did not come out to do, they pretty gen- erally shut up and put all their energies on the job that has been given them. Last night the Director saw a convoy come in just about midnight. It was a pretty big bimch of men and it took some time. One was in such a condition that he had to go to the operating room about 3. Dr. Clopton operated. At 4.45 a convoy was sent out to catch a particular ambu- lance train, and Dr. M. was down at The Point, as our receiving tent is called, to see them off. At 7.30 he was at the service in our little chapel, all the morning he was down in the tents conferring with the other doctors and making plans to get the things they needed in their work. At 2 he brought a Red Cross official to talk over some things in their work with me, and I know that at 4.30 62 FINDING THEMSELVES he had an appointment with a neighboring Colonel. When he sleeps I know not. In the intervals of doings like these he comes to ask me if I will make out a list of magazines I would like for the nurses, or he sends roses and vases to put them in ! We are lucky to have such a man at the head of an expedition like this. His kindness and gen- uine goodness reach down to the most ordinary private. Late yesterday afternoon he was batting ball with a bunch of enlisted men. They of course are crazy about him, as are all the people who work with him. There is never a matter too trivial for his attention or too vital and too important for discussion with him. This letter was not meant for a eulogy, though it seems to have turned into one. But my atten- tion has turned to our unusual good fortune in having such a leader, by the fact that other Chief Nurses do not always get the kind of help and cooperation that I am getting. What would I do if I had forbidden my nurses to do something which I felt was wrong or inadvisable and then the director of the Unit reversed the action? It is an unbearable situation to conceive, but I am afraid some Chief Nurses may have to face just such difficulties. But here such a situation could not possibly exist. Other Units have sneered a little at what they call our religious attitude, having nightly services on the boat, regular FINDING THEMSELVES 63 attendance at services here, and making the whole thing a prolonged act of service. But as Dr. Murphy said when he talked to our nurses that last night in London, there is only one way of bearing the close contact with such pain and sor- row, of bearing whatever discomforts we may ourselves have to bear, of working out our own internal problems of antipathies or antagonisms, of keeping our souls serene, and that is by doing it all with the deepest religious motive and in utter devotion to service. I have heard him say many times, "We have come to serve in what- ever way we can and as long as we are needed." And so I look ahead to the future with the great- est peace of mind. I am not afraid of any diffi- culties with my women or with the men. My women are splendid. A few, of course, have periods of rearing, but they all have steadied down most beautifully. And I think now that it was emotions strained almost beyond endurance at first that caused the rearing. We are all happy, contented, and well, and I am so proud of the spirit of cooperation I find among them I can hardly express it. I certainly have some wonder- fully splendid women with me. Some of them have queer exteriors and some queer ways, but they are fine within. Every now and then I put on the bulletin board some little poem about the meaning of the war and the ideals we are fighting 64 FINDING THEMSELVES for, or a paragraph from some newspaper about America's quick response to the call for help to defend these ideals, and you ought to see their heads go up and their eyes brighten. They don't care that they have had bully beef twice in one day or that the knives and forks are sticky, and they have no tablecloths or butter dishes. It would be so hopeless if one did not get a response. My bulletin board is the side of a packing box put on a standard just outside the mess door. I seem to write such queer things. I was going to tell you about our Fourth of July party. We invited the other American Unit (from Cleve- land) down to a baseball game and tea. It was a great success, as the day was fine and we could have our refreshments on the grass under some trees. Miss Watkins, our dear dietitian, and some of the others worked all the afternoon getting sandwiches, and strawberries, and tea, and little cakes, and lemonade ready, which the doctors paid for. It was a great success. Then after dinner we went up to No. 9 General, where the Cleve- landers hold forth, and had a little dance in their nurses' mess hall. We stopped at 11, as we all had a half hour's walk home. It was a wonderful night. Dr. Allison and I brought up the rear of the procession and discussed the affairs of the universe. July 10. Ruth and I have been to town this FINDING THEMSELVES 65 lovely afternoon to do a few errands and wander around the quaint little back streets and visit the wonderful churches. I am having an extra serge uniform made. It has already been a month in the making, but it will probably be finished soon now. It looks as if it were going to be very satisfactory. Before we came back to our camp we had supper at a very French place and enjoyed our omelette aux champignons, sole frite, petits pois au beurre, salade aux fines herbes and cafe and peches to the very limit, although we had to pay the very limit for it, and all felt very extrava- gant when we saw the bill. Food is very expensive, but the French are not losing anything from the English and American trade. They tack on all sorts of prices to everything they can get away with. It is very restful and relieving to the mind to get away from the hospital, and I try to do it at least once every week for the best part of an after- noon. We are not working too hard here, any of us, but I find that I am pretty tired most of the time because I cannot escape from my responsibilities at any time, even when I am off duty, which is not much except in the evenings because I am right in the middle of things all the time, and each one of the sixty-four has some question to ask almost every time they see me. You see everything over here is different, tie details are hard to learn. 66 FINDING THEMSELVES or rather they are hard to get over to each one of the sixty-four. I have not been sleeping very well for the same reason. I hear every one that goes by my room and I hear all the women in my hut get to bed and all they have to say as they get ready for the night, and I hear them all get up in the morning etc. But I keep thinking that I shall get used to all of this and not be so noticing. I am better than I was in London or on the boat. I have my room fixed up so that it looks quite comfortable. I probably shall spend most of my spare time down here in the oflSce in the grand- stand, for down here I am more isolated from my responsibilities. Just outside are the doctors* tents, but when they perform their ablutions out here in front of my door, it does not disturb me in the least, because it is not up to me whether they are as comfortably taken care of as possible. Their quarters are even more primitive than ours. Many of them are two in a tent in which they can hardly stand upright, and their toilet articles are laid on a box and their clothes they have to hang on the tent pole. We all have a little wash- stand, and an enamel basin and pitcher and pail, which were furnished us since we arrived here. With that and a small table and a little shelf and some hooks in the corner we can be very civilized. Hot water is a very great problem, for all our FINDING THEMSELVES 67 water for cooking, washing dishes, and bathing 104 women is heated in two small tanks over little coal fires, and the supply is very inadequate. But little by little things get made more practical and sensible. So many things were unnecessarily uncomfortable. My next domestic job is to find out how to get dishes for one hundred people washed when hot water is entirely insuflficient, so that they are not always sticky and smelly. I presume it can be done, but at present I acknowl- edge I am baffled. I am taking it for granted that you are interested in these sordid details. They really seem very important over here, al- though to you in America they probably do not rank as highly as stopping hemorrhages and writ- ing letters for dying soldiers. They truly don't to us all the time. But this is a trivial letter meant for only a few who want to know details. To-day our Major Fife, the TJ. S. Army man who joined us in St. Louis, with two other regular army men, took over the command of the hospital, and Col. J. left. Col. J., the English O. C. (Officer Commanding), has been perfectly charming, and we are all very sorry to see him go. He has been transferred to a neighboring hospital camp, not very far away, so we still may see something of him. Yesterday afternoon, late, I had a little tea party here in my office, which was very de- lightful. A few days ago I had met the two 68 FENTDING THEMSELVES Colonels of the Australian hospital camp, which is on the other side of the race course, and as the one who is the M. O. (Medical Oflficer) said he wanted to meet Major Murphy, I invited him and the other O. C. and had Major Murphy and Col. J. and Miss Taylor, and we had a very nice party, with tea, bread and butter, and jam. Then afterwards we took the visiting Colonels down to see some of the American apparatus that we are using on some of our cases. Our Surgical Hut looks like a carpenter shop. We have about ten beds under a wooden canopy frame, to which the poor shattered legs of our blown-to- pieces men are fastened. When a leg is broken in half a dozen places and there are several gaping infected wounds besides, it is something of a trick of carpentry and mechanics to make the poor fellows comfortable, put on extensions so the legs won't contract, and yet make it possible to irrigate the wounds. We have some wonder- ful arrangements. It is remarkable the way pulleys and ropes can be arranged so that the men can pull themselves up with their hands to let the nurses rub their backs and change their beds. So many men come to us with terrific bedsores to add to the distress of their shattered legs it takes much ingenuity to take care of them. We have one man who is practically slung in hammocks which are attached with coimter FINDING THEMSELVES 69 weights to the frame over the bed. These small hammocks, or slings, go, one under his shoulders, one under his lower back, and then his leg is in a frame with weights attached to the foot. Rubber tubes are run in and out of his thigh, and knee, and his wounds are irrigated through these tubes which are perforated. This method of irrigating is the Carrel Method. The men in this hut are getting to feel they are such an interesting show, so many people come to see them, that they have begun to make fun by rattling a coin in a tin box and taking up a collection when people ask what they are doing that for. It's about time I went up to my room now, as it is after nine and the doctors are beginning to go to their tents and I must sit here ticking away on the machine with the door open. Some nurses came in to talk to me so I was disturbed, even when I thought I had got away from them. They meant well and only came to inquire if I was not well, because they thought I did not look well and were worried. Wasn't that dear of them. It's only a lack of proper sleep that makes me look a bit queer. I am not a bit sick, just a bit "groggy. " I really am quite brown, and my hair is quite curly ! from all this dampness. It rains part of every day almost. Good -night for now. It is always fun to think at night, maybe I will get a letter to-morrow. 70 FINDING THEMSELVES You just cannot imagine how much letters coimt. I never had them count so much before. Much love to you all. J. Rouen, France. July 16, 1917. I am inclosing a copy of a letter Miss Taylor received to-day, in reply to the letter she wrote to Private Murphy's mother, the day after her boy died here. He was here of a gunshot wound in the chest, one of those treacherous injuries that seem to be getting along all right and then knock a man out with a sudden hemorrhage. The boy was not even on the Seriously 111 or the Dangerously HI list, and the worst part was that he died before we could get the priest to him. We have a Catholic priest as well as C. of E. and Nonconformist padres always in attendance. They live on the grounds. Of course a formal notice of the man's death was sent to his mother through the War Casualty Office, but Miss Taylor wrote to tell his mother the details, and to explain why the priest was not with him when he died. Her reply is so typical of the bravery of English women I want you to see it. "To Assistant Matron : — " I thank you for so kindly answering my letter for my dear lad Pte. W. Murphy. I am quite sure you all concerned did what possibly could FINDING THEMSELVES 71 be done for him. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I've felt it very keenly, more than I can ever say, but I have the satis- faction of knowing he was cared for by a woman at the last and given a decent grave. Perhaps God took him then because he was then fit, he was a good boy at home to us and I know the last three years of his life he honestly tried his level best. I think God understands us each one best. I should like you to thank the nurse per- sonally for me who was with him at the last, and every night you brave women are remembered in our prayers. My wee daughter aged three years prays, *God bless our nurses at the front.' I have not received his treasure bag and am sorry as my little son aged 15 yrs., who was passion- ately attached to our dear lad, hoped to have his rosary, but perhaps I shall get it — only you asked me to let you know if I did not receive it. I must now conclude, thanking you once again, believe me " Yrs. sincerely " Bell Brown." All day yesterday and in the night we heard the booming of guns, and the night nurses say the windows in our surgical hut rattled. It was the loudest I have heard since we have been here. And every time I hear them those words of one of our patients come to my mind: "Some poor 72 FINDING THEMSELVES devils are getting theirs." The men recently sent down from the front tell us that rumor has it that there is going to be a big drive in a few days. We wonder if it has begun and if we shall be getting more convoys in. Our hospital is not half full now, we have been sending out so many convoys over to "Blighty." We need to be a little busier for our best good. The weather is lovely, very cool at night, we always sleep under blankets, warm in the sun. Almost every day it rains at least a part of the day, but the ground here is so sandy there is very little mud. It is a drizzling evening, but it is cozy and pleasant here in my oflSce. It is getting on toward ten and out- side in their tents I can hear the voices of some of our oflficers talking together, and from time to time across the road come bugle calls, and there is that faint bustling sound of large numbers of people getting ready to be quiet for the night. We are in the midst of such thousands and thou- sands of people, mostly soldiers, and all day long there are myriads of soldier sounds, bugle calls, tramping of feet, motor cycles, lorries, bands playing, men's voices, sharp commands, the slap of the hand on the musket in salute, the popping of small bombs or guns all day long from the practice trenches near here. On the fourth of July we thought how like a home Fourth it was, but here the popping and the shots sound every FINDING THEMSELVES 73 day. And it is not fireworks that are being shot off. At neighboring camps there are experts in bayoneting, experts in gassing, experts in Hate Talk. There are actually special men who some- times talk to as many as three thousand men to make them feel that their chief business is to kill. It is incomprehensible. Whenever will this toppling world right itself.? It will be a long time before we come home. The more we know the more sure we are that it is going to be a long business. And the man who wrote "The picture, That I saw that day, Of home folks bidding home good-by. For traitor seas, And 'somewhere,' Out beyond the seas. And after that. Just God, And what He wills," was right. That is the situation. July 19. Such nice letters to-day. It is such fun to get the home news and to learn the details of your doings. We are not working hard and we find it embarrassing to have people take it for granted that we are overdoing all the time and suffering real hardships. We are comfortable and well fed and have interesting work and many very interesting dispersions. There is a lot of very simple entertainment back and forth among the camps. Once or twice every week there is a tea party or a tennis party with tea or a concert with refreshments somewhere here. To-morrow we are going to return some of the many courtesies that have been shown us 74 FINDING THEMSELVES and be **at home" to our neighbors here on the Race Course : No. 10 General Hospital and No. 1 Australian General. The party will be out of doors and there will be tennis and a baseball game between nurses and officers. The officers are having baseball suits made for them by the nurses. These suits are to be very gay skirts, so that they will be as much hampered as the women. We have started our V. A. D.'s on base- ball against the American nurses. They take to it like small boys and find it "ripping." It has been the best mixing process I ever invented. It is a great sight these lovely evenings between eight and nine to see the crowd of hilarious nurses careering over the grass between the hedge and the fenced-off center of the course where all the tents are, and hanging on the fence a couple of hundred "blue boys" or convalescent patients in their blue hospital suits. Then the officers come straggling out after their dinner, peacefully smoking their pipes, and they line up and root and laugh too and coach. It does not look much like war. It does everybody the best possible good, for it has them all roaring with laughter, and sends them off to bed in the best of humor, like a bunch of kids. The English tea parties are charming, and I think myself in a storybook every time I go to one. The imiforms of the English Sisters are so FINDING THEMSELVES 75 gay and bright with their flowing caps and red- bordered little capes, and all the men are in uni- form, and the little tables set out on the grass are imder large sunshades, or there are special mar- quees set up for the occasion, and it's all very gay. Last week around at No. 10 General after the tea part, they had games, tennis for some, hunting for hidden treasure in the grass and hedge (I found a souvenir spoon in a mole hole), and a potato and spoon race, and also a tug of war that was so fiercely strenuous that it left many of us with cricks in our necks ever since. The tug of war seems to be a favorite sport. Our white- dressed nurses with their scarlet-lined blue capes look mighty pretty on these occasions. Of course different groups of niu*ses and doctors get off for different parties. They are usually from 5 to 7 or after 8. Then in the Y. M. C. A. huts there are frequent forms of entertainment, not only for the convales- cent patients but for the staff. A "concert" usually means a kind of variety show. All kinds of pretty good troupes are sent out to go the rounds of the various hospitals, and then, too, each hospital has its own band, which is trained or run by the Y. M. C. A. people. We here have some very imusual Y. M. C. A. people. A Prof. B., his wife, and son are living here and giving their whole time to this work. They are from Cam* 76 FINDING THEMSELVES bridge, both father and son. I am told that the father is a professor of theology, and the son of archaeology. They are very talented people, quite eccentric geniuses, all of them, I should judge. The father leads the band, the son plays the little organ in our chapel, the mother hovers around, and all the time some one of them is in attendance at the Y. M. C. A. hut to help the boys play and to manage the many concerts and lectures that take place there all the time. The first time I met Mrs. B. was the first night I arrived. The first thing she said to me was, "Good gracious, how funereal you look!" I was in my dark uniform and it was after dark in the evening and I did look like a crow, but then ! She was very cordial after- ward and has been very charming to us all. She gave a big tea for us in the hut one Sunday after- noon and had many officers, Y. M. C. A. workers, and nurses there to meet us. Everybody here is devoted to the B.'s and they add much to the community life. Both father and son are tall, thin, stooped, spectacled souls. The son is more or less of an invalid, it seems. We have just heard a piece of news that delights us very much and that is that Miss G. is to come over to be "Matron-in-chief for France" as the corresponding official is called for the other nursing forces. I had already written, as had the Chief Nurses of some of the other Units, asking Miss FINDING THEMSELVES 77 N. to send us some one to advise us, and make uniform regulations for us all and standardize our actions and customs. Now, each Chief Nurse is entirely responsible, under her Commanding Officer, who leaves all the details to her, for every little thing. And the consequence is that there are as many ideas about discipline, uni- forms, hours of duty, social usages, etc. as there are Chief Nurses. Miss G. will be ideal for this position. Dr. Alexander Lambert was here last evening and he told us that she was coming. It may be that she has only been sent for, but I hope it means that she is to come. We have received word that five American nurses are to be added to our force here soon. We don't know where they are to come from or anything about them. It was an official notice that we had yes- terday that 33 were to arrive at Havre, five of whom are to be sent to us. We shall be glad to see them whoever they are. Five of our V. A. D/s are to be taken when the Americans come. Two of my people heard me say the other day that I wished I had my violin here, so yesterday they went down to Rouen and bought me one. I wish you could hear the accounts of how they did it, for neither of them has any French or knows anything about violins. But it was a violin all right that they brought out to me wrapped up in a newspaper, and last night it played perfectly 78 FINDING THEMSELVES good tunes in the mess hall. One of the V. A. D.'s plays the piano very well, so we had a fine time trying out the instrument. To-day I have some bad blisters on the ends of the fingers of my left hand, which makes it almost impossible to write on the typewriter. We have not much music here, but a few popular dance airs. Loads of love. Julia. July 25, 1917. I do not know how to write about our doings of the past few days, for I cannot write numbers, and it is only numbers that would give you any idea at all of what we have been doing. I wrote in my last letter, I think it was, that we were not working hard, well, we have begun our hard work, and for our own sakes we are glad of it. In the past 24 hours we have admitted more patients than the total capacity of the Barnes and Chil- dren's Hospital, not the average number of patients, but the total capacity. And all these patients have been bathed, fed, and had their wounds dressed. Some of course were able to walk and could go to the bath house and the mess tents, but most of them to-day are stretcher cases, and oh, so dirty, hungry, and miserable. The mere (I say mere, but it is really the most impor- tant part of the whole thing) proper recording of FINDING THEMSELVES 79 the names, numbers, ranks, nearest relatives etc., is in itself a huge task. Of course the niu*ses don't have all that to do, but they have a lot of it. The boys who are stretcher bearers must be so lame, they can hardly move, for just consider what it means to lift down out of ambulances as many patients as that, and then afterwards carry them as far sometimes as a city block, for we filled our farthest tents to-day. It is most remarkable how things have gone. There are many aching backs to-night, for all the beds are very low and the stooping is terrific, but every one has been a brick. Many of the nurses have worked 14 straight hours to-day, and many of the doctors had only two or three hours' sleep last night, and were working all day. The diffi- culty to-day was, that we had to put patients into rows of tents that have not been used for some time and were not equipped, and our warn- ing was not long enough to prepare. We had the beds ready, but little else. To-night things have straightened out a lot, but it is going to be a busy night as we are to send out a convoy, and get another in. Three additional night nurses are on to-night, taken from the day force that has to stretch itself a little thinner. Our nurses don't need any "Hate Lecture" after what we have seen in the past few days. We have been receiving patients that have been 80 FINDING THEMSELVES gassed, and burned in a most mysterious way. Their clothing is not burned at all, but they have bad burns on their bodies, on parts that are covered by clothing. The doctors think it has been done by some chemical that gets its full action on the skin after it is "moist, and when the men sweat, it is in these places that are the most moist that the burns are the worst. The Germans have been using a kind of oil in bombs, the men say it is oil of mustard. These bombs explode and the men's eyes, noses, and throats are so irritated they do not detect the poison gas fumes that come from the bombs that follow these oil ones, and so they either inhale it and die like flies, or have a delayed action and are affected by it terribly several hours later. We have had a lot of these delayed-action gassed men, who cough and cough continuously, like children with whooping cough. We had a very bad case the other night who had not slept one hour for four nights or days, and whose coughing paroxysms came every minute and a half by the clock. When finally the nurses got him to sleep, after rigging up a croup tent over him so that he could breathe steam from a croupkettle over a little stove that literally had to be held in the hands to make it burn properly, they said they were ready to get down on their knees in gratitude, his anguish had been so terrible to watch. They said they could not wish the Germans any greater FINDING THEMSELVES 81 unhappiness than to have them have to witness the sufferings of a man like that and know that they had been the cause of it. It is diabolical the things they do, simply fiendish, and like the things that would be expected from precocious degenerates. I cannot imagine what kind of change is going to take place in our minds before we get home. There are so many changes coming over our ideas every day. They are not new ideas, for many people have had them before, since the beginning of this war, but they are new to us. Human life seems so insignificant, and individuals are so unimportant. No one over here thinks in any numbers less than 50 or 100, and what can the serious condition of Private John Brown of something or other. Something Street, Birming- ham, matter? One's mind is torn between the extremes of such feelings, for when a nurse takes the pulse of a wounded sleeping man and he wakes just enough to say "Mother," she goes to pieces in her heart, just as though he weren't only one of the hundreds of wounded men in just this one hospital. This morning when the big rush was on, I was in the receiving tent when the last three men were unloaded : One had his head and eyes all bandaged up and seemed in very bad condition, so I went with the stretcher bearers to see if I 82 FINDING THEMSELVES could help get him into bed. The eye specialist was sent for at once, and got there in a few min- utes. We untied the big triangular bandage that was keeping the wads of cotton on his head and eyes, and found his eyes in a terrible condition from being bandaged for over 24 hours without attention. We soaked off the dressings with some boric solution that I had procured from the Operating Hut. There was not even a single basin in the tent to which the man had been brought, not to mention a nurse or medicines. After a while we got the eyes open a tiny bit so that they could be examined and washed out a little, and then the doctor blew out : "It's a per- fect crime to send a man down here in this coiidi- tion, look at this puncture woimd of this eye, and see what a terrible condition his eyes are in. A whole lifetime of blindness will probably.be the result." The patient was delirious and quite incapable of understanding. Just then an older officer came along and heard the remark and said : "Crime! my dear boy, you've got absolutely the wrong point of view. How could they keep a man like this up there at the front, from which they have sent him? Don't you realize that at a place like that every woimded man is simply a hindrance and must be gotten out of the way? Just stop and think how well they are doing to get so many of them to us in any decent shape FINDING THEMSELVES 83 at all." Then the other one said : " Oh, I suppose so. War's the thing now, all right." After he was dressed, and things had been straightened out a bit, this patient was transferred to one of the lines that is better equipped to take care of such serious cases. He was put on the "Dangerously 111," and word was sent to his mother! His head injury is bad, so maybe he wont live to be blind. (Later. He is much better now and will get well and probably have the sight of one eye.) No man leaves here in his own clothes. It couldn't be done. All the things have to be sent to be disinfected and then they go to the clothes tent, and then are just drawn, as clothes for so many men, when the convoys go out. That is unless they are going to the Convalescent Camp or back to a base, then they are fitted as nearly as possible and given a full equipment, but the men going to England are fixed up just so that they can travel. They are lucky if they can stick to their little comfort bags in which are their little treasures. Just so many pins that must have so many moves is all they are. And they are so good and patient. They are so grateful, it just makes everybody wish she were a dozen people and could do twelve times as much as she can possibly do with her one set of arms and legs. But what will we think when we get through 84 FINDING THEMSELVES with it all ? How are we going to stand the mental strain ? Yet others do, and go on being normal, cheerful human beings, teaching bayoneting one hour, and playing tennis the next, or having tea with pretty nurses. Oh, it's a queer world! as the orderly said who came to tell me of a few more hundred wounded expected in soon. "Isn't it a cruel world?" July 30, 1917. Dearest Family : — This is just a letter to you, not a general epistle to the United States. Major Murphy has just cabled to-day that we are all well, and the reason that there has been such a long delay in your getting our letters from France is that they were held up in London. We do not know why. A num- ber of friends have cabled, and that is how we know that our letters have not been received. I spoke to the Major about it this morning, as so many nurses have said they thought they had better cable, and he said he would cable Miss Hudson at once, which he proceeded to do. I began this last evening, but was interrupted by having an orderly bring me a huge bunch of sweet- peas, mignonette, etc. from a nice Colonel com- manding a neighboring Infantry Base Depot. Of course I had to stop and put them in such vases as we have. I brought some down to the officers' FINDING THEMSELVES 85 mess, where they were just finishing dinner, and where I had to stay and chat a bit. This afternoon we have had distinguished guests ! Mrs. Christie, the Chief Nurse of the Presbyterian Unit from N. Y. and three of her nurses motored down from E. to call on me and more especially Miss Allison of the Cleveland Unit. It was pleasant to see them and to compare notes. My, but you all seem far away in another world. But it is fun to think about you. We feel now as though we had been here forever. If you have not read Lord Northcliffe's new book, "At the War" do get hold of it, for it describes just what we are in the midst of, and everything about us and our surroundings etc., not really us — of course, but hospital people out here in general. One of our men lent me his copy. We are going to be very short of reading matter here very soon. We had a small library from our steamer books, but in Rouen, it seems, there are not many English ^books. (I'm reading some French, of course.) We have subscribed for a good many magazines, but none have come yet, nor papers. If you should mail a good novel once in so often, I believe it would reach us easily and it certainly would be appre- ciated. Another thing we would love to have is some music. Popular new dance music, or songs, and a hymn-book. We have rented a piano, but 86 FINDING THEMSELVES no one brought any music. We have some good singers, and we need some good popular airs. I believe I told you about the 12-franc violin some of my girls bought me. You'd be surprised what sweet tunes it can play ! The three or four old torn pieces that were hanging around are almost worn out and I can see that if we enjoy playing and singing now, we will much more when the little sitting-room end of our mess hall is the only warm place to go to on a rainy, cold, winter night. So there are two things you can do for me. The Parcel Post is bringing things over from the States already, and I guess that is the best way to send things. Everybody over here talks about the cold of the winter, and we shall have no heat except in occasional small oil stoves, or a coal stove, for each hut. Our tented Hospital is not to be hutted this year, as we have been told. But if the English could stand it last year, I am sure we can. Mrs. Whitelaw Reid has written to ask if we want sleeping bags, and I have replied "Yes." We have rubber boots, rubber hats, and rubber coats, which we shall have to wear constantly. Washington is trying to work out some suitable uniform for us. It will take considerable imagination to design a costume that will be warm enough, short enough, washable, and suitable for use in tents where you must dress very infected woimds. Our white FINDING THEMSELVES 87 caps are absurd for popping in and out of low- entranced tents. Elsie asks how the responsibility of taking care of all my people is burdening me. For a while it was a pretty big burden, but now it does not weigh nearly as much as it did. I have such splendid people here with me. Just a few have been a little troublesome, but nothing to mention. And the rest are loyal, affectionate, and entirely to be depended upon. The ten that came from Kansas City have been bricks. The two from Hannibal have turned out to be good nurses and fine women, and the rest, almost all of them, de- veloped fine qualities that I really did not know they had in them. We have had so little trouble I cannot help wondering what it is, when I hear of difficulties the other Units are having. "Oh yes," Matron X. said, "I have forbidden my nurses to go out with officers, but they are doing it." We allow oiu-s to go out with doctors, but have made the only restriction that they go in groups of at least three. They have been fine about it and go off half a dozen at a time, and have splendid walks, etc. "Yes, I've forbidden mine to smoke or drink wine in public, but they do it in private, and I don't think it's any of my business to meddle with their private lives," said she. Our nurses talked the matter over at a meeting after I had presented the whole thing to 88 FINDING THEMSELVES them, and voted to go on the water-wagon and not to smoke while they were over here, and they are doing it too ! I don't ask, or pry, but tell them how proud I am of them when I can tell other people of the stand my people took by them- selves. Miss E. of the American Ambulance, who was down here, was so much impressed by the attitude of my nurses on these matters, she went back to Paris and told her nurses there about it, and said it made a big impression on them. It is hard not to drink wine where so much wine abounds, but we are not out in public places much, and one can always get water or their horrid cider. And the point is, my people are proud of themselves, and are proud to tell the English officers, who offer wine at parties, that we American nurses don't drink wine. The officers say : "Aren't you allowed to ? j^^our Matron won't know." Then they answer with pride, "It isn't our Matron that won't let us, we decided not to ourselves." By that time the officers quit fool- ing, and say "Well, it's a mighty good resolution, too." You can't begin to guess how welcome your letters are. Some seem to come through so very quickly now. One of Mother's dated July 12 reached me July 28th and Elsie's of the 13th came just as fast. I wish Elsie's kiddies could make jigsaw puzzles for our men. They are just crazy , FINDING THEMSELVES 80 about them, and we arrange tables so they can get at them, and they spend hours working on them. It is so much easier for the one-armed ones than reading. Couldn't Billy make and send me one, or some knitted things. I'd give it myself to one of our boys and have the boy write Billy a letter. I wish I could send you pictures, but we can't send a single thing. All the kodaks were taken, and we each had to sign a paper that we had none in our possession. I wish I could draw, there are so many wonderfully interesting and picturesque things about here, and right in our camp. August 8, 1917. We have just finished our weekly inspection by the "D. D. M. S.," which means the Deputy Divisional Medical Supervisor, who is a very pleasant Colonel. Every Wednesday at 3.30 we all line up at the entrance to our camp and wait to meet him after he gets through inspecting No.- 10 General Hospital. By "we" I mean oiu* "C. O." Major Fife, our "M. O." Major Murphy, our Liaison Officer, a British Colonel, the Quarter- master, and the "Matron," me. It really is a very pleasant occasion. We sit out there in the sun, if there is any, on a park bench and gossip until "we see the D. D. M. S. aide appear from out of the last tent of No. 10, then we stand up and walk 90 FINDING THEMSELVES over a bit to greet him. He always shakes hands with me first and asks me how I am getting along, then salutes the others and has a word or two with them, then turns to me and asks what I want him to see. I usually turn to Major Murphy and ask him if he has anything special to show the Colonel, and Major Murphy says : "Let's show the Colonel line so and so." I have acci- dentally mentioned before what lines I would like to have visited. It is usually tea time when he comes, and, unless we tell the nurses to hold off with the tea until after the inspection is over, the tents are in a mussy state. So every Wednes- day I usually warn two or three different lines that I may have them inspected. To-day as a matter of fact we went to three different lines that had not been warned, as Major Murphy wanted to show the Colonel some special cases. After inspection is over, the officers take him and his aide to tea in the Officers' Mess, or I take him up to the Sisters' Mess. While we were making rounds to-day, it began to pour, but one of my nice aides brought me an umbrella and Captain Schwab lent me his rain coat to save my clean white dress. When I went down to the point to wait for his Elegance, the sun was shining beautifully, but it was about the second peep of the sim we have had in over a week. And now it is pouring. — I had to stop then and put on my rain hat and FINDING THEMSELVES 91 coat and go up to the Sisters' Quarters with a Lieutenant from the Royal Engineers, who came to inspect the leaks in the roofs of the nurses' huts. He saw them all right and will have them fixed. We are wondering so much whether you are getting our letters. Letters coming to us have told of a long stretch of time without word from us ; in fact no letters had been received from any of us since we landed in France. Major Murphy cabled Miss Hudson a week ago that we were quite all right, so I hope none of you are worrying. We heard to-day that some postcards I sent on June 24th had been received, so it seems that cards go through safely anyway. I hope that by this time you are getting our letters. Wasn't that account of my interview with the London reporter absurd ? Of course I did not say all that bosh, but I did say that I could not make any comparisons between the American and the English hospitals. That is what she wanted me to do. I saw copies of that interview from San Francisco, Detroit, Philadelphia, and St. Louis papers, which shows how far a little bit of "swank" can go. It is ten days since I have written at all to any one. We have been very busy, and have all had long hours of work and I have not felt much like writing when I have had the time to do so. The pressure has now let up a bit, but I think it will 92 FINDING THEMSELVES be only a temporary let-up. Our hospital is very full and we have many very bad cases. My nurses are beginning to show the effect of the emotional strain. Their nerves are a bit on edge, and I find that when they lose for a few days time-off-duty, as they all have been doing, they are not standing the strain and loss as well as they did the last time we were so busy. I have had about a dozen of them weeping, so I am hunting about for more forms of diversion. The continuous rainy, damp weather, the accumulating emotional strain, and the real hard work are having an effect upon them all that is bothering me. There is a convalescent hospital for Sisters at E., to which I can send one or two at a time for a short rest as soon as I can spare them. But I do not want to have to begin to do that yet. So we are having a little dance in our Mess to-morrow night and perhaps I can get up some bridge parties or some other games. Our sitting-room space is so small we are very much handicapped but if it will only clear up, we could play some outdoor games. You see my real problems are beginning. I would have given a good deal myself to have had some one like Mother to weep on, last Sunday. You can imagine how I miss my older women friends. Naturally I cannot do any weeping here, since I have to be wept on ; but there are times when it would be such a comfort to be braced nayself . FINDING THEMSELVES 93 There was nothing really wrong on Sunday, but that day we had so many sick men to look after, and things got a bit complicated and several nurses got hysterical and I felt things were just too much. Any one would have thought so if they had seen our poor gassed men who are so terribly burnt. One of my most stolid nurses came to me that day and said " I just don't know how I am going to stand it, taking care of so and so." I said "Why not.?" and she replied, "When he was brought in to us he was so badly burned we could hardly see any part of him that we could touch except the back of his neck; but that isn't the worst part, instead of cursing or moaning he was singing, and I just can't stand that." It isn't only women that are affected by these things, the men don't weep often, but they come near it. And they get just as edgey and worn to a frazzle. They lose more sleep than the nurses do, for they have to get up in the night all the time, to operate, or attend to patients, or look after convoys, in or out. I want to tell you about the most unique day I ever had in my life. It was last Monday when I and five other nurses went out for our gas train- ing. All soldiers receive gas training, as you know, and are fitted with gas helmets, which they take with them to the front. Recently all doctors and nurses who go up to the Casualty Clearing Sta- 94 FINDING THEMSELVES tions have been given gas training too. Only about ten nurses so far have had this training. We have already sent one surgical team to the front, including one nurse, and I have been quite determined that I shall go as soon as possible. Major M. hasn't been altogether willing that I should, thinking that I ought to stay here with my children, but I have pointed out to him that Miss T. and the Supervisors could take care of them perfectly well, and he has consented to let me go. I want some real manual work with the patients and I can't get it here, for I have to do so much office work. I have been going down to the operating room as much as I could to help a little and get my hand in, but I cannot get there often. Major M. says I can't go with him, for I must not be gone while he is away, so I am to wait and go with Major C. Now about gas train- ing. There is a regular school here where thousands of soldiers are given their training daily. It takes the greater part of the day. I cannot describe it. You will have to wait till I get home. But we had our masks tested first in a room filled with lachrymating gas ; we were drilled in putting them on any number of times, for speed is a very impor- tant element, so each motion is counted and timed. We were lectured for an hour, the most interest- ing and barbarous lecture I ever heard in my life. It is at one and the same time the refinement of FINDING THEMSELVES 95 science and civilization, and of hideous barbarism. We had lunch in a dugout with the officers of the school, for the school is in the middle of a huge plain, and then we were taken into a trench filled with lachrymating gas so that we would know what it is like. This without helmets. Then with three officers, one before, one in the middle, and one behind our string of six nurses, and a medical officer standing outside, we were taken into a closed, tunnel-like affair into which chlorine gas was being poured in clouds from special pipes. We of course had our masks on and were all carefully inspected before we went in. This gas would not hurt us, they say, but we get the smell and get used to wearing the masks and are ready afterwards to get our certificate. August 20, 1917. The last letter I wrote was August 8th and here it is the 20th. The time goes so very rapidly I forget when I last wrote and am surprised to find that it is over a week. We have not been so very busy these past two weeks, I mean not as we were before then. It has not been raining as much these past few days, to our great relief, and we are beginning to get dried out a bit. When mattresses begin to get moldy inside of huts, it has been pretty damp. The spirits of my people are improving under the let-up of strain, but they are showing 96 FINDING THEMSELVES a few physical signs of the over-fatigue. We have been having a number of infected fingers and other little things and have really broken our good health record. I have one nurse, Miss S., away at E. for a ten days' change at a lovely Convalescent Home for Sisters, and another is to go soon, — Miss M. who had a bad attack of bronchitis. Miss S. had a lot of little infections which showed she was below par. Then yesterday we had our most serious trouble, for we had to send Miss S. to the Hospital for Sick Sisters here in Rouen to have an operation due to an old injury. The British officials could not have been more courte- ous to us. They made it possible for our men to perform the operation and let one of my nurses go and stay with Miss S. The operation was a very long, serious one. Major M. and Major C. operated and Miss S. assisted while I held the arm. The operation was performed in the Oper- ating Room of No. 8 General Hospital, which is five minutes' ride from the ** Sick Sisters " where there is no Operating Room. She was taken back in an ambulance before she was out of ether. The "Sick Sisters" is a lovely place on the other side of Rouen, about 8 miles from here. We go and come in a little Ford Ambulance. Major M. and I have been over to-day, and every- thing is getting along beautifully. We took our second patient over with us to-day, — Miss P., with FINDING THEMSELVES 97 a bad infected thumb. We are not supposed to keep a sick sister in Quarters more than 24 hours. We have been very lucky up to now in not hav- ing to send any one away. But this hospital is ideal. It is taken care of by British doctors and Sisters and is in a lovely location, higher than the spire of Rouen Cathedral. It is worrying to have my children sick, but it is good to know what excellent care they will get when they are sick enough to be sent away from us. We have been having some lovely walks these past few days, since the rains have let up. There are loads of beautiful places to go to all around. One can take a little excursion boat from Rouen, down the river a bit, then get off and walk back here through the woods. Several times I have gone with some good walker into town, late in the afternoon, had supper in a most interesting little French cafe, and walked out here afterwards, making a nice walk of about 7 or 8 miles. The evenings are light and the sunsets wonderful and the crowds going home across the big bridges and out in our direction are most interesting. Ruth has walked one way with me but not the two. She is on day duty now, but I do not get a chance to go out with her very much as I cannot plan my free times much beforehand. Yesterday we had two very interesting callers : Miss Draper and Miss Hoyt from New York. 98 FINDING THEMSELVES They looked very smart in neat gray and blue uniform suits with A. R. C. on the shoulder straps. They said they were sent to make inquiries about hospital needs for the American Red Cross. They were very charming and pleasant and I liked very much talking with them. They came just as we were starting to leave to attend to our operation, so we asked them to come back to sup- I>er, which they did. They had driven down from Paris in Major (Dr.) Alex. Lambert's car, a humble Ford , they called it. It looked pretty beautiful to us. On the 13th I got a telegram from Philip saying he had landed at Liverpool on the 11th. I wonder where he is and hope I shall be able to communicate with him soon. I had to stop there to take a patient's mother down to see him. The boy is very badly hurt in several places, two legs and one arm. A nice Y. M. C. A. person just turned her over to me. It is a wonder- ful system that brings a relative out here, almost personally conducted the whole way. This Y. M. C. A. person also brought the brother of another of our patients, but he got here too late and I had to tell him that his brother died last evening. He can be here for the funeral to-morrow anyway, and he can talk to the nurses who looked after the boy in his last hours. The Y. M. C. A. lady took him away for the night, but will bring him back to-morrow. FINDING THEMSELVES 99 There is not very much of special interest to chronicle just at present. I am very well myself and trust I am going to stay so. Our food is quite good and sufficient. We all have huge appetites from being out of doors so much. We are longing for letters very badly. It must be about three weeks now since I have had a line from the States. I get some letters every day, but they are mostly from England about patients or from people in the locality, on business. There goes the third aeroplane that has flown over us in the past half hour. They are such pretty things. I should like to have a ride in one. With loads of love to you all. This is a stupid letter, I know, but they can't all be thrilling, for naturally there have to be many unthrilling days. Julia. August 28, 1917. For almost 24 hours we have been having one of the severest wind storms I have ever seen. It has been beautiful. It has been pouring for two days, then last evening it began to blow, and such a whistling and shrieking and rattling as there was. Up in our grove our little huts were pretty well protected, but the trees lashed them- selves with fury, and branches broke, and doors and windows slammed and smashed. Several small tents were blown down, but no serious 100 FINDING THEMSELVES damage was done. All day it has been blowing great guns and it has been gray and cold, like a late Fall day. I have been in the office all day doing accounts and other tiresome things, with one or two trips to the lines for various purposes. Miss Taylor had been off all the afternoon. I had tea in the Officers' Mess, which made a diversion of a few minutes. One of my Colonel friends sent over some sweet peas and dahlias, and I took some down for the officers' tables, and got invited to tea, so stayed a few minutes. Their mess is a bare, barracky kind of room under the grand stand. Yesterday I had a little different kind of day. All the morning I was in and out of the office, down on the lines, and all over in the pour. Then at 12 : 30 the Major and I went over in the am- bulance to the Sick Sisters' Hospital to see our invalids and take out the final stitches. Our lady with the serious operation has been doing wonderfully well from the very beginning. She has been up and about for several days, though she was operated upon ojily nine days ago. She will be back on duty before very long, if every- thing continues as it has been going. We shall probably send her to the Sisters' Convalescent Home for ten days after she is well enough to go. It is such a blessing to have such splendid places to have our sick niu'ses taken care of. I have one FINDING THEMSELVES 101 nurse now, at E., recovering from bronchitis, and just this operation case, and the nurse with the badly infected finger, so I feel we are doing mighty well. Well, after our visit to the hospital, we rode back to town in the pour, and had lunch at Rouen's best hotel, the Hotel de la Poste. It is a regulation Continental hotel, full of st^fc officei-s, and has excellent food. We in uniform were the only Americans there, but we saw a >lumb