LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. CONTENTS. BOOK I. SHEWING THE "GLORIOUS UNCERTAINTY" OF PLEASING EVERY CLASS OF SOCIETY RESPECTING A KNOWLEUGE OF LIFE IN LONDON BEING ESSENTIAL TOWARDS THE IMPROVEMENT OF THE JUNIOR BRANCHES OF MANKIND J AND ALTHOUGH CON- TRARY TO THE ESTABLISHED AND SAPIENT RULES OF THE COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, AND THE PRACTICE PURSUED BY OUR LEARNED FRIENDS IN WESTMINSTER HALL, WE ARE NEVERTHE- LESS ANXIOUS TO GIVE ADVICE WITHOUT A FEE, IN ORDER TO PROVE THAT, IN ALL CASES, WHETHER CONNECTED WITH YOUTH OR MORE MATURE AGE, PREVENTION IS MUCH BETTER THAN CURE : INDEED, 80 ANXIOUS ARE WE TO SET OURSELVES BIGHT WITH THE PUBLIC, AS TO OUR FUTURE IN- TENTIONS RESPECTING THIS WORK, AND THAT WE MAY SEE OUR WAY CLEARLY, AND TREAD ON THE FIRMEST GROUND, WE FEEL INCLINED TO ADOPT THE LATIN PROVERB SO OFTEN QUOTED BY BOB LOGIC TO THE UNSUSPECTING JEERY, ON HIS FIRST ARRIVAL IN THE METROPOLIS: Incidit in Scyllam qui vult vitare Charybdim. THE NECESSITY IS ABSOLUTE ; OR, RATHER, AN APOLOGY IS REQUIRED FOR THE INTRODUCTION OF THE AUTHOR AND ARTIST TO THE NOTICE OF THE READER, PREVIOUS TO THE SECOND APPEARANCE OF THOSE HEROES— CORINTHIAN TOM, LOGIC, AND JERRY, on the great theatre of the WORLD ! POUR QUOI ? TO VINDICATE THE CHARACTERS OF THE AUTHOR AND ARTIST FROM THE UNMERITED ASPERSION OF HAVING ATTEMPTED, BY THE JOINT EFFORTS OF REAL TALES, ORIGINAL ANECDOTES, AND ANIMATED SKETCHES, TO DEMO- RALISE THE RISING GENERATION ; AND LIKEWISE TO REFUTE THE CHARGE OF HAVING TURNED THE HEADS OF OLDER FOLKS TOWARDS THE COMMISSION OF ACTS OF FOLLY AND INTEM- PERANCE, enough! TO OUR TASK " HARK ! FORWARD'S THE 395533 VI CONTENTS. WORD, SEE THE GAME IS IX VIEW I " AXD OrR EXERTIONS WILL BE VIGOROUSLY DIRECTED TO ESTABLISH, IF POSSIBLE, " TACHE SANS TACIIE," OUR PRINCIPAL AIM BEING TO REALIZE, TO THE UTMOST EXTENT, THE ATTRACTIVE MOTTO — mo BOjST) PUBLICO! Proceed, my boy, nor heed their fiu'ther call. Vain his attempts who strives to pleeise you all! Chap. I. — Most artainly, if the dull routine of common-place /nutters ivere acted upon, hut rather than commence ivith the cold formality) of a Chapter as to minor events, the Author feels himself, as it ivere, in a labyrinth to affix an apposite Name to it; and therefore he prefers leaving the Title to the Header, to give it anij character his peculiar taste 7naij adojit. Desired effect of the Invocation to the bright Goddess, to render her assistance to the previous part of this Work — suc- cessftd beyond all precedent — calling forth expressions of GRA- TITUDE from the Author and Artist ; and also a sincere return of thanks to Fame, for the high-sounding praises of Life in London, throughout the North, East, West, and Southern parts of the Globe. Great jMpularity of the Work — Swarms of literary Pirates, lots of Copyists, but no ORI- GINALS— an Argument for the Woolsack. A rich Feature for Bramatic Writers — also an enquiry en passant as to the Legitimacy of the subject. Numerous Performances at the Theatres all over England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales; like^vise in most of the United States of America, the West Indies, Ax. LiFE IN London translated into French. Imi- tations of the Dresses of ToM, Logic, and Jerry, in the fashionable Public Walks— the CharacUrs and various Scenes in the Work represented on Handkerchiefs, Tea- Trays, Snuff- boxes, Ladies' Fans, and Siucetmeats. Revival of the subject after a silence of Seven Years, something after the calculating doctrine of to " Look before you leap, and deliberate before yon resolve.'- The advantages resnltim/ from MYSTERY! or, " Thinks J to myself, thinks / / " ' " Page When ciir« into \\w air ;ijr thrown, A\')m( fidts lAcii MAN iiuiy make his own. CONTENTS. Vll Page CiiAP. II. — Tlie difficulty of parting luith Old Pals — nothing else but the right sort of Chaps — a practical illustration of the sound doctrine of " Friendship without Interest." A sigh for those " dear creatures " left behind us. Stage Coach re-flections and adventures. New acquaintances. SiE John Blubber, Knt., a second Falstaff iviihout stuffing. An outline of his Character. Bill Ptjt-'eh-along, the learned Dragsman. The Pulpit versus the Box. The broJcen sentence mended. Taking Stock — balancing Accounts — something after the manner of the dangers of Town Eambles versus Countky Amusements. Cliange of Scene absolutely necessary. Re- luctant adieu to the Metropolis ; but, nevertheless, the power- ful attractions of " Home I Siceei Home I " Haiuthorn Hall in sight, and the joy of the Old Folks on the return of Jerky to his native soil. The advantages of ^^ pulling up " in time — gooil effects of training ; and exercise the best physic towards the production of health and strength. Jerry once more him- self — his favourite pursuits reneived luith vigour. The Charms of the Chase. Jerry a true Sportsman — the pleasure attached to the dog and the gun. The Country round Haw- thorn H^VLL , 37 Chap. III. — The effects of all-powerful Love in the scale of happi- ness : "SNEAKING kindness" to wit; Jerry reduced to a dummy, and Natltie triumphant. The charms of Virtue : Miss Mary Eosebud, an outline rather than a portrait : the hand of SiR Thomas Lawrence required to do justice to the subjects. Lots of visitors. Arrival o/SiR John Blubber at Hawthorn Hall. The letter announcing the intentions of Corinthian Tom and Logic to pay Jerry a visit at the seat of his Father. Incidents on the road — the Hotel in an uproar — Travellers see strange things. Unexpected visitor to Logic's bed in the night ; no Gho&t, but a Somnambulist. The trio complete — Logic, Tom, and Jerry together. The Cockney astray; or the Peep-o''-duy Boy out of his element. A flying shoot — missing the bird, and hitting a barn ; a new reading /or i/ie Oxonian. The comfortable fireside ; Old Jollyboy, the Curate — a character. Crossing the hand with silver, an old story, a gipsy affair. The Long Visitor not exactly a new acquaintance. Jerry Jit for another start — not quite : his return to London postponed for a short period. Depar- ture of Ton, Logic, Blubber, &c., from Hawthorn Hall. G3 Chap. IV. — Hawthorn Hall rendered almost a nullity by the departure of Tom and Logic. The big Subject. The advan- tages of a make-weight in a party — SiR John Blubber to wit. Jerry's soliloquy, occasioned by the absence of his friends. Hours dedicated to love and hunting, by the " YotTN'G One." " Ylll CONTENTS. I'age Original Song, dedicated to Maey Eosebud, written by Somebody. A change of scene — Jerey visits Bath, and acci- dentally meets ivith Lady Waxtox — another baulk ; a sort of teasing made easy. The desired event ; a slice of luck a sweetener to the greatest grief. Money makes the mare to go. No time to be lost. Jerry unexpectedly starts for London, tvith the consent of all parties. Mary's poetic Advice to Jerry respecting constancy. Logic's residence his first object in view — independence of mind displayed by the Oxon- ian. Jerry once more an inmate of Corinthian House. The Pupil and his Precej^tors — difficult climax to arrive at — the rigid sort of Finish toioards the completion of Education. The most experienced Persons at fault. Future operations under discussion — a peep at the Map of Babylon. Wliere shall we go ? Any luhere ? See all you can 92 Chap. V. — Jerry and Logic visit the "Great Bore; " serious danger of the excursion. Strong Symptoms of Water on the Brain, and Logic's Spread of no use in the Floating Capital. The adventures of our Heroes at BARTHOLOMEW Fair — the Ghost, flesh and blood ! Toii, Jerry, and Logic assisting at the ceremony of the ^^ uncommonly big Oentleman" being made a Buffalo 105 Chap. VI. — An invitation to the Duchess of Do-Good's magni- ficent Fete : a peep at her Grace's screen ; a most attractive subject to our Heroes. TAe Duchess's Eemarks on the Liberty of the Press. Logic's opinion as to the conduct of the Duchess of Do-GooD. The constrast—B.lG'H. versus LOW Folks ; or, the Advantages of Comparison. How to FINISH a night, to be UP and dressed in the morning. ToM awake ! Jerry caught napping: LoGic on the GO; and the ^'uncommonly big Gentleman " abroad ! The plaything of an hour — Saucy Nell, a well-knoivn heroine on the Town. Her adventures ; and the vicissitudes and ivretchedness of a " gay life " depicted. Nell the subject of a fiash Song. Rest necessary ; the fresh air requisite ; and our heroes in training for a day cr two at Chatham. A visit to the Dock Yard. SPLENDID Jem recog- nised by the Corinthian, double-ironed amongst the convicts : a Sketch of his life 119 CilAP. VII. — New Scenes for the YouNG One. Logic visits his Old Acquaintances on board the Fleet. ToM and Jerry play a Match at Backets with SiR John Blubber. The fat Knight floored ! Old Mordecai — a character. The greind Lounge. Regent Street to luit. Tom's elegant set-out — off to Ascot. A panoramic View of the Scene. Highest Life. The betting Stand. A Sketch of the venerable Swell Trap 148 CONTENTS. IX Page Chap. YIII. — A visit to the Snuggery of the " uncommonly hi5Xl>ox produced, the first night (for the benefit of Mx Barrymore), £360 ; thirty pounds more than upon any previous occasion- Should you tt'inV the above communication worthy of your atten- tion, a line addressed to me, as under, will be duly attended to. bv your humble servant, P. EGA^r. Xetc Time* Ofitx. The following answer was received from Mr. Harris to the above letter : — Comd Garden Theaire, Sept^rr.her 2-5, 1821. SrE. — I shall be most happy to pay every attention to any dramatic piece vou may please to send me on the subject of " Life in London ; " perhaps, a musical comic after-piece, combining a display of scenery, may be the best form to put it before an audience ; but tiie manner of doing it. I leave entirely to your judgment, and can promise you an immediate perusaL — ^Yours, &c., H. TTAP.ma. Pierce Egan, Esq., Xew Time* OJSee. The above encouraging answer from Mr Harris produced another letter immediatelr upon the subject in question, the Author giving it as his opinion that the safest vehicle, and the most likely mode to succeed, would be a Pantomdce, in which the scenes of Life ia London might not only be ren- dered effective, but made to pass '' trippingly o'er the boards," by the help of the bat of the party-coloured hero : urging likewise, to the manager, that it was most laudable to caiLse the dumb to speak without the aid of the faculty, and make Harlequin, who had done so much with his heeh from time immemorial, turn about in 1S2"2, with quite a ne>.c face upon the matter, and convince the audience that he had a head upon his shotdders, although it had been so long sQent, and of no u^e to the spectators. It was proposed, also, that the " dear creature" Columbine should possess the advantages of putting in, now and then, a word or two of a sort for her- self, which must be considered by the lovers of eloquence LIFE IX AND OIT OF I.OXDOX. 13 as an intellectual stej) in her favour : and that the i^iage lover of Columbine, instead of making icry faces, and distorting attitudes, should, according to the old-fashioned schools of Rich and Woodicard, be taught to express the ardent passion of love by some exquisite soft touches of the art, after the style of Moore : — Come o'er the sea, Maiden with me, Miue through sunshine, storm, and snows ; Seasons may roll, But the true soul Burns the same where'er it goes. Let Fate frown on, so we love and part not ; 'Tis life were tltou art, 'tis death where thou art not. The Clown was not to be suffered to hold 'd foolish argument ; yet, nevertheless, was to be furnished with some prime jokes for the occasion ; but positively interdicted from uttering one tconl more than was set down for him. The legs and wings hero, designated as the Pantaloon, was to be permitted to turn his lingo to a good account towards supporting the interest of the scene : and the hopping, skipping, tumbling- about Daddy and Mammy of Miss Col. might then have been allowed to give "their tongues a little holiday," to add to the general amusement afforded by chaffing, so immediately connected with a representation of the great variety of comic scenes in Life ix London. Covent Garden Theatre, October 5. Mr Harris presents his compliments to Mr EoAjy, and will be happy to see him, if he can make it convenient to call either on Monday or Tuesday, about two o'clock, at the Theatre ; perhaps five minutes' conversation will do more than a long epistolary correspon- dence respecting the proposed dramatic adaptation of Life in London. The Author waited on Mr Harris according to the above appointment, and was very politely received by the pro- prietor of Covent Garden Theatre, on the stage. Mr Harris, after some little discussion on the subject, protested against a Pantomime ; he said, " it might have the appearance of a second-hand attempt, which ought to be avoided ; " and, there- 14 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. fore, he proposed to the Author to turn his ideas towards a Comic Opera, and to furnish him with on outline, as soon as possible, in order to ascertain what exertions might be required in the scenic department, music, dresses, &c., as he was perfectly aware, from the variety of scenes which must necessarily be introduced into Life in London, great attention would be required to " get it up ! " To these suggestions the Author most cheerfully acquiesced — banishing all former notions of a Pantomime from his mind — cogitating as to a iiew feature on the subject ; and with the utmost alacrity furnished the following Bill of Fare for the consideration of Mr Harris : — LIFE IN LONDON PUT INTO SHAPE BY PIEECE EGAN, "Who trusts it will not be deemed unfair that he should take a LEAF or TWO Old of his OWN BOOK, several other persons having made very free with the Work. The Piece now prepared for representation is not entitled to the Appellation of TEAGEDY, Comedy, Opera, PLAY, Farce, Ballet, or Mdo-Drama, yet jpurtahing of the Quali- ties of all, and possessing Scenes high and low in abundance, from the " S% Parlour'' to the "Diamond Vaults OUT-and-OUT PAMBLES and SPEEES, East and West— and lots of Characters, UP and DOWN. A varietj- of Sivells, but no DoNS : Corinthians and Costard-Mongers of many hues and colours : Flats and Sharps, without a Note — Pinks and Tulips, but no Flowers, yet always in the Hot-Houses : and Hells without Devils, only having Black Legs. MuSLlNS and HoPSACKS, according as the creatures wear them: the whole forming a "BIT OE GOOD TEUTH," en passant, in a Eeview of LIFE JN LONDON, developed by a pre- cious TEIO, in the person of a Top-of -the- Tree Hero, UP and dressed in all SUITS : seconded by a slap-hang Countryman, that neither hedge nor ditch baulks his pursuits ; and in unison with a pi-ime piece of LOGIC, without Premises, j'et always so much at HOME, that Locke and Bacon were Muffs to him ; also represent- ing the NOBLE, EESPECTABLE, MECHANICAL, and Tag, Hag, and Bob-Tail part of Society, which constitute the COEIN- TUIAN CAPITAL, and Base of the Pillar. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 15 ACT I.— LIFE IN THE COUNTRY. I.— LIFE AT SUNRISE. Hawthorn Wood. — How to shoot flying — Xever at fault — Xo birds, but plenty of game — How to pluck a Primrose, but not without prick- ing the Fingers. The Cream of the Jest — The baulk, and scent lost — Tim as good as his Master — The Yellow Flag hoisted : and retire- ment necessary for all Parties. 2.— LIFE IN A MANOR HOUSE. HiniAhorn Hall. — The beauties of Nature — The heart that feels, but wants utterance — Fashion versus Rusticity. Bold as Brass, yet timid and bashful. Curiosity uppermost, and I will have a peep if I die for it. The Countryman and Londoner, a set off ; but the advantage of elegance and impression of gentlemanly conduct personi- fied. — An interview removes many fears and prejudices. Sporting Subjects, but no fun : yet exercise the best Medicine. 3.— LIFE IN A VILLAGE. Haiothorn Green. — Caught on the sly : but those that love will feel it, without one word on the subject. — Good-bye, easier talked of than performed. Melody without Art : and tenderness expressed without affectation. Hope the only consolation : London in perspective. 4. -LIFE IN THE FIELD. Sportsman's Cabinet. — Description of a Fox Chase — the ardour of Sportsmen — Brusher and Victor in pursuit of Old Sly Boots — Rej-- nard at his last shifts — The "View Halloo," and in at the death. Friendship over a glass — The Farmer in his true character — A jollifi- cation — Harmony, but little singing. Toasting till under the table. The Old Ones mistaken ; and the Cockney not so easily got rid of, as expected. 5.— LIFE AT HARVEST HOME. Hawthorn PaddocJc. — Patty with the same feelings as my Lady ; and Tim as jealous as my Lord — Nature never wrong. A Kiss puts all to rights — Broken Heads, but no mischief : all in the way of pastime. Dancing, but no Waltzing or Quadrilles — All merry and happy — The Road to London in view, and off like a shot. ACT II.— LIFE IN LONDON. 6.— SLAP-UP LIFE. Corinthian- House Chaffing Crib. — A Man's Father born before him — Bainboivs and Slaveys : NATURE will j^eep at times ; all made of the same flesh and blood : only togrjed differently. First impressions of 16 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. London on the ioppcr of a Yokel — Pictures dangerous ; then beware of originals. Training for an OUT and OUTER; or how to queer the Ogies : yet necessary to look like an Upper Customer of Society, if nothing else. Introduction of a Chaff Cutter : Jerry not aivake ; more brains wanting — and quite at a standstill for the want of a New Book on Patter. The Synonymy of Flash developed. Taking mea- sure of a man's pocket, more than his back — a prime artist: and how to cut a figure : Jerry di-essed for the Part — Music over, the Promp- ter's call obeyed — Curtain up — and a toddle on the Grand Theatre of the World — a peep, e?i passant, at the Show-Shop. 7. _FOUE- IN-HAND LIFE. Tatter saVs. — Can't know too much — A " look in " at Tattersal's, and no time lost — Notions of honour — A man's word as good as his Blunt — Bits of Blood, and Prime Tits in abundance — Booking, but not common-place — Studs floored by a single hit — Alterations of Life like a Pantomime ; and the motley hero's bat not more rapid in producing a change than Tattersal's hammer. — Match-making. 8.— LIFE IN THE SHOW-SHOP. Buckingham House, St. James's Park. — Not keeping time — The Ladies on the fret. Pit-a-Pat, or " My heart with love is beating." — Have you got the Licence ? No ; I've been to Tattersal's — It's too bad : I'll not put up with it — A kind look, or a tender word, does wonders — The art of persuasion — and I'll try him once more. 9.— LIFE IN THE CAEDS. The Old Hag's Oarret. — Found out — A Portrait, but no likeness of a Husband — How are we deceived ? — The Magic Mirror, yet no reflec- tion — Cards will beat their Makers — The Fortune teller not aware of her own destiny — Trick and tie — Imisosition exposed; and errors acknowledged — A good lesson for the unwary. 10.— LIFE IN THE FANCY. Jackson's Booms. — Corinthians only admitted — True courage the support of Britons — to resent or forgive the order of the day — the good Old English mode of settling a dispute — Leave off when you like — No daggers — no Widows — and no Orphans left, but the Knowledge Box made aivake by one or two re-MARKS made upon it — reading not necessarj'- to explain it : and the proper use of the Fives taught to chastise vulgar ignorance and Brutal Strength. 11.— KNOWLEDGE OF LIFE. Chaffing-Crih {Corinthian House). — Character everj'thing in Life — difficult, perhaps, at all times to support it ; but, nevertheless, it ought never to bo lost sight of; no good performances can be done without it. A " New Readings "of the Beggars' Opera — Tom, Jerry, and Logic, the principal parts ; but without a High Toby Hero. LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. 17 12.— LIFE IN THE BACK SLUMS. Bijot Street, in the Holy Ln ml. — Flat catch i )hj ^ Who bites? A fine picture; but no painting. " All Alive, O I " Effective enough to have put a 'Michael Axgelo into a reverie; and for a Rnhens to have been lost with surprise : a dark subject — Hypocrisy and deceit fining up the back-ground. Ease before mannas — no Starch wanted —Soap out of the Question — nothing to do with the New Hirer Com- pany — and Togs only necessary to answer purposes. To live and be jolly the object in view. 13.— LIFE IN ANTICIPATION. Corinthian Kate's Boudoir. — The Tickets have arrived, my dear : but I can't go in that Old Silk — Must have something New — Mrs. Dash has ordered a Splendid Dress, and I should not like to be eclipsed by her — Come, my dear, let us go a shopping. 14.— CLEANED-OUT LIFE. Return Home to the Chaffing-C'rib. — A Fig for regularity — Get over the ground if it breaks your neck — Peep-o'-Day Boys — No time for Eoost — Don't want it in Life in London — too game to think about it. Beat all Colours at Bed and Black — Pockets to let — Forty winks as j'ou can get them, to keep the Shutters open for another turn — Eeflections will intrude — asking one's self a few questions ? A good lesson for the Young Ones, who ought to profit by it, before they are floored never to be i^icked up again. Be wise in time. 15.— LIFE IN THE WEST. AlmacFs Assembly Boom. — A foi(f7? at the Superb: the advantages of Birth : Born with Silver Spoons in the Mouth. Splendour till you are tired of it. Corinthians but no Commoners : all toj^-of-the- tree folks : Politeness to the very echo : and refinement to the end of the chapter — Brilliants covered with diamonds : and the Fair Ones as good as gold : and no double shuffle or false steps. A thorough-bred Scene — HIGH LIFE in perfection — and climax of Society in the Metropolis. ACT III.— RAMBLES AND SPREES. Or, the DANGER expospd of being put Fly, Up, Awake, Leary, Down, and being FINISHED ! \ ! That's the time of day, my PINKS — Secrets worth knowing. 16.— DAFFY CLUB LIFE. Belcher's Parlour, Castle Tavern. — Here I am, blow my dickey : the Daffy Club ; a spirited Sketch of the Fancy blowing a cloud over heavy wet, and Glasses of Combustibles : Blue Devils not admitted; c 18 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Oiit-and-Outers — Trumps — Oood-ones — Catollers : the means of keeinng a Licence : and Coves that may be trusted alone. The DafFy Chaunt — Daffy explained by the President — Where is it to be ? 17.— LIFE IN SPIRITS. Toiver Hill. — Jolly as Sand Boys — with a handful of soft to spend — A rich scene in view — Push along — all anxious for a treat. 18.— LIFE IN THE EAST. The contrast — All-Max — Ilop-Panny . — Tickets not necessary — Any Port in a Storm — Never a Jack without a Jill — all happiness : no questions asked : and one half of the World don't know how the other half lives. No matter ! Plenty of Taste ; iKitter without ceremony ; and not particular to a shade about Linc/o. Sporting a Toe without a Shoe, and no inquiry after the SnoVs Bill — ^ee?/?i(/ without Steps; fiooring instead of ivaltzing ; and nothing the matter. Country or Colour no objection ; Ladles in mournivfj not prohibited — Black Sail don't blush for her appearance ; and Dustj- Bob not uneasy about his toggery. 19.— UP AND DOWN LIFE. Toiver Hill, at night. — The Upper Story all abroad, Mr. Lushington at Work — and when the wine is in, the wit is out — Ripe for anything — go along, Bob. 20.— LIFE IN A SPREE. Temple Bar. — Coffee-shop Macing — Won't stand it — A regular blow-up from the Coves — a prime Singing-bird — a row — a Street Mill — How to make a stop-watch go — Nobs in trouble — a turn-out of Bulkers and Roosters — Cross and Square Coves — all upon the look- out to have " the best " of the darkey. 21.— LIFE IN A TURN-UP. Getting into CnANCERY-Zajje. — Don't be too sure — Certainties sometimes doubtful — The case in point — Tom, Jerry, and Logic get the worst of it. 22.— LIFE IN A SCOUT KEN. Interior of a Watch House. — Consequence, gemmen must be heard first — Here's my card — I'm an M.P., an H.S., and a G.S. The Gam- mon won't do — Old Snoozy awake, and the Charley perfect in his part, with his stage property to give it effect — Won't stand being booked for the Night — shew fight, and bolt. 23.— EFFECTS OF LIFE. Chaffing Crib — Darky over. — Jerry's symptoms of uneasiness — Cracked Heads — debilitated — out of wind — can't come to time ; and the Constitution fast on the decline ; Logic lumbered ; and Tom done T.TFK IN ANT) OIT OF LONDON. 19 vp — portraying that LIFE in LONDON, without the check-string, is a rapid trot towards Death I Jerry sees his folly — acknowledges his error — Hawthorn Hill in perspective — Jerry united to Mary Rosebnd — Tom and Corinthian Kate made hajipy. After the exertions manifested by the Author to produce a Musical Burletta, instead of a Pantomime, in order to meet the wishes of the Proprietor of Covent Garden Theatre — after the numerous thiukiugs, scvntcliinfjs of the head, biting the thumb nail, twisting and twirling the subject to pieces, loss of repose, and the hopes and fears attached to authorship : the following polite, but ie;/ sort of note, very soon put the matter to rest, as to Tom and Jerry having a turn-iij) on the boards of a Theatre Royal : — Covent Garden Theatre, December 4, 1821. Sir, — The subject of Life in London has now become so hacknied by its production at the Minor Theatres, that I should despair of its proving successful with us, particularly as, according to your sketch, I perceive it must take nearly the same feature. I return it, therefore, with my thanks, and I am. Your obedient servant, H. Harris. Pierce Egan, Esq., Xeiv Times Office. After the above unexpected disappointment, well might the poor scribbler exclaim — Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy ? Most certainh^, '* something too much of t/iaiilis ! " In the second instance. Life in London was dramatised by Charles Dibdin, Esq., and thus set forth in the bill — " Olympic Theatre, Newcastle-street, Strand. On Monday, Nov. 12, 1821, and following evenings, will be presented a new Extravaganza of Fun, founded on Pierce Ehan's highly popular Work, and interspersed with a variety of Airs and Graces, called Life in London. " Tom (a Capital of the Corinthian Order), Mr Baker. " Jerry Hawthorn (out of Order, and more of the Composite than the Corinthian, never intended for the Church, though fond of a Steeple Chase), Mr. Oxberry ; and 20 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. " Logic (a Choi)ping Boy, ' full of wise saws and modern instances '), Mr Vale." Mr MoNCRiEFFE appeared as the tliird on the list of dramatists, and it was announced at the Adelphi Theatre in the following stjde :— " On Monday, Nov. 26, 1821, will be presented for the first time, on a scale of unprecedented extent (having been many weeks in preparation, under the superintendence of several of the most celebrated Artists, both in the Ups and Doicns of Life, who have all kindly come forward to assist the Proprietors in their endeavours to render this Piece a complete out-and-outer), an entirely new Classic, Comic, Operatic, Didactic, Aristophanic, Lo- calic. Analytic, Panoramic, Camera-Obscura-ic Extrava- ganza Burletta, of Fun, Frolic, Fashion, and Flash, in three acts, called TOM and JERRY, or Life in London. Re- plete with Prime Chaunts, Rum Glees, and Kiddy Catches, founded on Pierce Egan's well-known and highly popular Work of the same name, by a celebrated extravagant erra- tic Author. The Music selected and modified by him, from the most eminent Composers, ancient and modern, and every Air furnished with an attendant train of Graces. The costume and scenery superintended by Mr I. R. Cruik- SHANK, from the Drawings by himself and his brother, Mr George Cruikshank, the celebrated Artists of the ori- ginal Work. "Corinthian Tom, Mr Wrench; Jerry Hawthorn, Mr W. Bur- roughs; and Logic, Mr Wilkinson. Dustj Bob,* Mr Wal- BOURN." * The personification of Dusty Bob, by the above actor, has been unanimously decided by the public to be one of the greatest triumphs of the histrionic art ever exhibited upon the stage. The first trage- dian of the day, with the utmost liberality, gave it as his opinion, that, during the whole course of his theatrical life, he had never seen any performance equal to it. Also, a comic actor of the greatest celebrity, exchiimed, "Good heaven! is it possible? Do my eyes deceive mo ? Most certainly it is a real dustman thej'- have got upon the stage. I am very sorry the profession has descended so low as to be compelled to resort to the streets to procure a person of that description to sustain the character." Further compliments to Mr Waluourn would be superfluous. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 21 " It is scarcely necessary to observe," says Mr Mon- CRiEFFE, " this drama is founded on the ' Life in Lon- don ' of my friends Pierce Egan and the inimitable CRriKSHANK. Aided by Pierce's clever illustrations to the matchless series of Plates in that work, I have, in this piece, endeavoured to put them into dramatic motion : and to those venerable noodles who complain that I and my prototj'pe. Pierce, have made this the age of Flash, I answer— Mv age is better than the ' AGE OF CANT.' " * * "This Piece," says Mr Moncrieffe, "obtained a popularity, and excited a sensation, totally unprecedented in theatrical history : from the highest to the lowest, all classes were alike anxious to witness its representation. Dukes and dustmen were equally inte- rested in its performance ; and peers might be seen mobbing it with apprentices to obtain an admission. Seats were sold for weeks before they could be occupied ; every theatre in the United Kingdom, and even in the United States, enriched its coffers by performing it ; and the tithe portion of its profits would for ever have rendered it unnecessary for its author to have troubled the public with any further productions of his muse. It established the fortunes of most of the actors engaged in its representation, and gave birth to several newspapers, more than one of which are even now in existence. The success of ' The Beggars' Opera,' ' The Castle Spectre,' and ' PiZARRO,' sunk into the shade before it. ' In the furor of its popu- larity, persons have been known to travel post from the farthest part of the Kingdom to see it ; and five guineas have been offered in an evening for a single seat.' "With respect to the cry of immorality, so loudly raised by those inimical to the success and plain speaking of this piece, it is soon answered I Saying nothing of the envj' of rival Theatres feeling its attraction most sensibly in their Saturday treasuries, those notorious pests, the Watchmen, dexterously joined in the war-howl of detraction raised against it, and, converting every trifling street-broil into a '' Tom and Jerry Bow," endeaxoxived to revenge themselves for the exjyose its scenes afforded of their villainy and extortion ; but all in vain. In vain, too, the Actor's old rival, the Methodists, took the alarm — in vain they distributed the whole of the stock of the Reli- giuics Tract Society at the doors of the Theatre — in vain they de- nounced " Tom and Jerry" from the pulpit — in vain the puritanical portion of the press prated of its immorality — in vain the prejudices of the stiff-backed part of the Bench — the hypocritical host of Saints cried it down, and preached woe and destruction to those who sup- ported it — they but increased the number of its followers and added to its popularity. Vainly, too, was the Lord Chamberlain called ui on 22 LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDOX. In point of fact, we cannot agree with the correctness of the statement given by our friend, Mr Moncrieffe, in the following words — " that the characters of Tom, Jerry, and Logic were auto-hiograiphical sketches of the artists to whom they originally severally owe their being. The talented, spirited George Cruiksha^k was himself, in all the better points, the spirited Tom he has so admirably delineated ; his very clever brother Isaac — then, perhaps, less experi- enced — condescended to pass for Jerry ; and the doicney Pierce (' none but himself can be his parallel ') was his own Logic. Having, tria junda in nno, produced the ad- mirable foundation of this Piece, may they speedily furnish the public with some more of their Larks, Sprees, and Rambles — the world will thank them for their gift." However difficult it may haA^e been to obtain the right clue, and however frequent may have been the failures of to svippress it — his Grace came one night to see it, and brought his Duchess the next. Our present pious Licenser will hold up his hands at this ! It was nearly the same with the Chief Magistrate of Bow Street : his experience rendered him perfectly sensible, that, long before the appearance of " Tom and Jerry " young men and country gentlemen would, in moments of hilaritj', sometimes exceed in their potations, be provoked into quarrels by designing Watchmen, and consigned, for purposes of extortion on the following morning, to his honoui- the Xight Constable ; but, according to the Saints' accounts, to believe their tales, it must be held as a point of faith, that no one previous to the appearance of " Tom and Jtrry " ever got into a row ! Oh, no — drinking and all its train of follies were unknown to youth, until inculcated into their minds by the example of " Tom and Jerry .'" How many an imsuspecting country cousin has been converted, in the public 2>rints, through an hour of harmless frolic, into a Jekry ; while his equally unconscious town relation figui-ed as Toil, and any honest plodder they might have with them is transformed into a Logic, his first ajipearance in that character. The thing speaks for itself : the hue and cry of the immorality and danger of the Piece was raised merely for the purjioses of plunder, bj' Watchmen and others. So far from being immoral, if the Piece be fairly examined, it will be found to be as correct in its tendency as any production ever brought on the Stage. The obnoxioua scenes of life are only shewn that they may be avoided : the danger of mixing in them is strikingly exempli- fied ; and every incident tends to prove, that happiness is only to be found in the don.estic circle.'' LIFE IX AND OUT Or LONDON. 23 the soi-didant knowiug- folks — laying the flattering unction to their souls in behalf of "dear se/f; "* and great also as the puzzle may have proved to the public at large, to ascer- tain the idcntitij of the heroes of Life in London, it has been generally admitted by the admirers of o]i a racier that the above Portraits bear the marks of originality ; the lights and shades properly depicted ; the colouring after Nature ; and the tout ensemble immensely attractive : al- though we cannot conclude, in the phraseology of the artist, that they were in "good-keeping ! " Lest men suspect your tale untrue, Keep PKOBABILITY in view : The trav'ler leaping o'er these bounds, The credit of his BOOK confounds : Who, with his tongue, hath armies routed. Makes even his real courage doubted ; But flatt'ry never seems absurd. The flattered always take your word : Impossibilities seem just — They take the strongest praise on trust ; Hyperboles, tho' e'er so great. Will still come short of self-conceit. So very like a painter drew, That every eye the picture knew ; He hit complexion, feature, aii', So just, the LIFE itself was there : No flatt'ry with his colours laid. No bloom restored the faded maid ; He gave each muscle all its strength — The mouth, the chin, the nose's length. * It is too true that the Author and Artist have been frequently assailed by impertinent questions as to the reality of Tom, Logic, and Jerry ! ' One instance will suffice ; During the walk of the Author on a popular race-course, he was accosted by a person whose physiognomy, if properly expressed, was any thing but sijjldhj, and whose dress and address were equally at variance with the good man- ners and taste of a gentleman ; biit who, nevertheless, gave himself a mighty aii- of self-importance, and, with the most unblushing effron- tery, thus began : — " Sir, I have been informed that, from my habits of stj'le, fashion, and gay mode of life, your model of CoElNTiilAN Tom has been taken ; in fact, I am generally known amongst my friends by the above appellation." Such ignorance, of course, must be hliss /" 2\ LIFE IN AND OIT OF LOXDON. His hoiieiit pencil toucli'd with truth, And mark'd the date of ago and youth. He lost his friends, his practice fail'd ; Truth should not always be reveal'd ; In dusty pile his pictures lay. For no one sent the second day. Two bustos, fraught with ev'ry grace — A Venus and Apollo's face — He placed in view. Resolved to please, Whoever sat, he drew from these — From these corrected ev'ry feature. And spirited each awkward creatiu'e. All things were set — the hour was come — His pallet ready o'er his thumb : A lady came — with borrow'd grace He from his Venus formed her face. Her lover yraised the painter's art ; So like the pictui-e in his heart ! To ev'ry age some charm he lent ; Ev'n beauties were almost content : Through all the town his AET they praised : His custum grew, his price was raised. Had he the EEAL LIKENESS shewn, Would any man the PICTUKE own ? But when thus happilj'^ he wrought. Each found the LIKENESS in his thought. The notoriety whicli the Rambles and Sprees of Tom and Jerry obtained in England very soon make its way across the Channel — became the topic of conversation amongst our Gallic neighbours- — nay, it crept so much into favour with the gay folks of Paris, that Life in London was speedily translated into French,* and the translation had a most extensive circulation in France. '■>■ LU'E IN London. — A translation has just been published in Paris (1822) of Pierce Egan's " Life in London," undei" the title of " The English Piorama ; or. Picturesque Eambles in London; containing the most faithful Notices of the Cliaracier, Manners, and Customs of liie h'ny/isJi Nation, in the various Classes of Society. By M. S ." Un this work a French critic makes the following observations : — " A great deal has been written on Paris, and yet this great city still affords scope for innumerable remarks. Fewer works have been l)ublishod respecting Tiondon, all hough that immense capital contains at least three hundred thousand iuliabilants more Ihan ours. From LIFK IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 25 The reception of Life in London was equally flatterin«i-, notwithstauding great prejudices had previously existed against Tom and Jerry in Dublin. It should seem that Mr Harris had somewhat changed his opinion respcctino- that circumstance, the ample harvest which there still awaits the observer may easily be estimated. Too frequently, however, tra- vellers, and especially sjDeculating travellers, view a foreign country only under the influence of the prejudices which they have imbibed in their own, and wish to make everything correspond with the notions they have previously conceived. There are others who would be more faithful in their descriptions, but a crowd of circumstances shackle their inquiries ; and in sj^ite of all their vigilance, many errors result from a want of their intimate knowledge of the language, customs, and usages of a country. None of these obstacles diminish the accuracy of the details of the work before us. It is an English- man, and an Englishman ah-eady known by several esteemed descrip- tire PuVUoitions, who has here painted bis countrymen — Pierce Egan, the author of ' The Picture of London,' and who maybe called the Mercier of England, has, like him, carefully studied the manners of all classes of the community. He conducts his readers from the royal palace to the most miserable pot-house, the resort of beggars and the dregs of the people. Such, indeed, in these latter scenes is the scrupulous fidelity of his pencil, that the enlightened taste of his translator has frequently induced him to soften the features of the picture ; which is not, as we shall by-and-by see, the only obligation under which French readers are to him. " Want of space prevents me from prolonging these curious details. I will confine myself, therefore, to recommend to readers the excel- lent remarks on London in the first chapter, which, as well as several other valuable passages, belong to the translator, or rather the imi- tator of Pierce Egan's work. If these additions contribute mate- rially to the success of the book, the suppi-essions which M. S has made are no less useful. Dictated by a sound discretion and considerable tact, they include several long digressions, and some circumstances which would wound at the same time delicacy and French taste. But M. S has taken care not to injure the origi- nality of the work, nor to deprive it of that foreign character which it was so important to preserve. What renders the work one of the most valuable which has appeared in England and London, are the four-and-twenty engravings, which represent almost all the incidents described in the book. It would be difficult to unite more of local truth with satirical originality. The advertisement tells us that they are from the arch pencil of Mr Cruiksiiank. He, like the author, may congratulate himself on having caused us ' to see Life in Lou- don,' and on having, as was said of Charles Vernet, composed ' Epigrams of design.' " 26 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. the above piece having been so much " hacknied;" * and considering it as a profitable speculation, he engaged il/r Wrench to perform the part of Corinthian Tom at the Dublin Theatre. The first seven nights produced £1300, and the house, on Mr Wrench's Benefit, held £345. At both the theatres in Edinburgh, Tom and Jerry attracted ci'owded audiences, according to the Editor of the Edinhiirfjh Dramatic Renew, who thus states : — " At length the public of Edinburgh have had an oppor- tunit}^ of judging of the merits of the above celebrated Ex- travaganza. From the general tendency of the remarks which appeared in the newspapers, we were led to suppose that this piece consisted of indecency and gross vulgarity. From what we heard reported as to the numerous indeli- cacies which this sketch of ' Fun, Frolic, Fashion, and Flash,' contained, we were afraid that its success with our sober citizens would have been precarious ; but we are happy to say that the applause which was bestowed on it by the unprecedentedly numerous assemblage on Saturday even- ing, January 25, 1823, which crowded the Caledonian Theatre, is a sufiicient answer to the chimerical doubts which were industriously circulated against its propriety. There is nothing, as we before remarked, associated with disgust or offence. There was neither one word, action. * Mr. Monckieete's Buiietta had then been performed ninety -ihree nights in succession ; and its golden career only stopped by the termi- nation of the season, to the great grief of the proprietors, but a source of joy to the persons immediately connected with the stage. The hones of the poor performers were of "no use " to them, and the room of the Actors, in the front of the house, was much better " li/a'd than their comj^any ; " indeed, they were interdicted from availing them- selves of the privileges belonging to performers, owning to the scarcity of places, every inch being of the greatest importance (in a pecuniary point of view) to the Proprietors, who, it is whispend, picked up in their RamUes and S2>rees between thirteen and fourteen thousand St. Gkokge and Dkagons I CoiKpurivg fellows upon any suit ! In the rant pliraae of the day, it must bo admitted, that it was hir/c-ing to a good account ! LIFE IN AND OUT OF I.ONDOX, 27 or situation, in the whole course of the piece, that could pos- sibly raise a blush or offend the most fastidious moralist." In consequence of the Author's Drama having been rrjcded by the Proprietor of Covent Garden Theatre, no opportimity offered for its performance, until the Summer Season commenced at the minor Houses. Thus was the " unfortunate wight's Operatic Burletta " thrown out for six months ! At length an opening occurred, when the Author's Piece, under the respectable management of Mr. Egerton, was " got up" and performed, for the first time, at Sadler's "Wells, on Monday, April 8, 1822, with the most decided success. * * The Morning Herald of Tuesday and Thursday, April 9 and 11, stated as follows : — "Yesterday evening this theatre opened for the season, with a new piece, founded on the popular work of Life in London, and entitled Tom and Jerry. From its title one might sup- pose it to be nothing more than a third edition, hashed up with some new seasoning and scenery, of pieces under a similar title, which have already appeared at two minor theatres ; but it differs from both of these almost in everj^thing except the names of the principal charac- ters, and their progress through the fashionable and vulgar vices of the metropolis. This difference may be accounted for by the circum- stance of Mr EGA2f, the author of the original work, having been em- ployed by the Manager of this theatre to put the story into a dramatic shape : and he has performed that task in a masterly style. Other dramatisers copied nearly the same words of Mr Ega:s^'s book, but Mr Egan has plagiarised from himself as cautiously and sparingly as possible; for he has not only introduced several new scenes, and rejected others that were ah'eady exhibited, but he has given a new version to the whole, and enriched every passage with fresh accessions of humour, fun, and laughable slang. Not a single passage hung heavy on the attention of the audience even for a moment, not an exuberant sentence was uttered, and every succeeding scene called forth increased peals of laughter from a crowded company. The concluding scene was admirable ; because, without presenting any painful catastrophe that might throw a damp over the spirits, it conveyed a short but im- pressive moral lesson on the folly and danger to health and reputation attending the nightly sprees and profligate adventures which young men of fortune are too much in the habit of encountering. The thii'd and last act concluded with a pony race upon a course which sur- rounded the whole of the pit and the stage : it had a very fine effect." "Pierce Egan's whimsical and singular production, which was slightly noticed in the LLeraJd of Tuesday last, has been since per- f jruied, with increased effect, to crowded houses. It differs from tho 28 LIFE TX AND OUT OF LONDON. It was thus announced bj' Mrs Egerton in the Address written for the occasion by T. Greenwood, Esq. : — " To-night, my friends, this modern taste to meet, We shew you Jerry at his country seat ; Then up to town transport the rustic beau, And shew him ' Life in London,' HIGH and low." Corinthian Tom, Mr Elliot ; Jerry Hawthorn, Mr Keeley ; and Bob Logic, by Mr Vale. pieces hitherto brought out under the same title in this respect, that, instead of a succession of unconnected extravaganzas, it presents an interesting tale, where two females, Curinthian Kate and Mary Rose- hud, distinguished as much for virtue as for good humour and plea- santry, are eventually united to their reformed lovers. So far the piece merits the name of a Comic Ojiera ; and, indeed, it gives as rich a picture of low life as the celebrated Bti/gars' Ojjera of Gay, without any of the terrible satire on ruling authorities and on human natui-e which pervades almost every passage of the latter work. While the vagabond manners of the age are strictly portrayed, one feels no more hatred to the individuals therein described than is necessary to deter one from associating with them. In the beginning of the first act there are some fine scenes of rural sport and rural love. The subsequent exhibitions present us with various characters in this great Metropolis, not such as they ought to be, but such as they are. The lowest are, unquestionably, the most exquisite, because Nature there bursts forth without any of the restraints of education or the trammels of art ; and the conversations which take place, while they are managed with the finest humour, are free from everything indelicate or offensive. This feature in the piece is particularly consjncuous when Tovi, Jerry, and Loyic pay a visit in disguise to the hack slums of St. Giles's. These are a motley society of mendicant imposters, in rags and tatters, who meet at night to spend the produce of their daily industrj- in luxurious enjoyment ; and who, with affected importance, attempt to give such philosophical reasons as may justify them in disdaining to earn money by bodily labour. But the scene of All-max in the East exceeds all the others in fun and merriment. Here is exhibited a collection of all the blackguards in the vicinity of Wapping, dancing to the music of a lame fiddler, and cheering their spirits with heavy u-et and hhie ruin — in other words, porter and gin. The chief personage in this assembly is Dusty Boh, a follow who has a black wench, called African Sal, under his protection, and who, by his humour and slang, keeps the whole audience in a roar of laughter for near a quarter of an hour. Tlio character is inimitably performed. The piece, in fact, excites Ijoijictual merrimoiit from beginning to end ; while the fable excites no small t^hare of interest ; and we do not think that the cause of LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 29 The Burlctta of Tom and Jerry bad been repeated so often all over the kingdom, and particularly in the Metro- polis, that the performers, notwithstanding the great applause tlicy nightly received in the above piece, absolutely became tired and worn-out with the repetition of their characters, when the following piece of satire, written by T. Greenwood, Esq., was published, entitled. The Tears of Pierce Egan for the Death of Life in London ; or, the Funeral of Tom and Jerry : dedicated to Robert and George Cruik- SHAXK, Esqrs. Beat out of the Pit and tlirown over tlie Eopes, Tom and Jerry resign'd their last breath ; With them, too, expired the Managers' hopes, Who are left to deplore their sad death ! Odd and various reports of the cause are about, But the real one was this, I opine : They were run to a stand-still, and, therefore, no doubt, That the cause was a rapid decline ! When Death shewed his Noh, out of Time they were beat, And neither could come to the scratch ; They hung down their heads and gave up the last heat. Not prepared with the Spectre to match. All wept at the Funeral ! the Fancy and all — Some new, but a great many mended : And Egan, while Cruikshank and Boh held the pall, As Chief-Mourner in person attended ! ! ! Their Sprees and their Ramlles no more shall amuse, Farewell to all nocturnal parleys ; morality can suffer anything from the pictures of vice and folly which it presents." The following criticism also appeared in the John Bull : — " Sad- ler's Wells, Astley's, and the Surrey Theatre, all produced Toms and Jerries; — that at Sadler'sWells is more carefally purged of impurities than any of them, and takes the lead in other respects, which, perhaps, may be owing to the care of Mr Egan, or the tact of Mr Egerton. The fact is, that that which appears a silly opposition in producing the same pieces at all the houses, will eventually turn out capitally ; for now, instead of being contented with seeing one Tom and Jerry, the town will not be satisfied till they have seen them all, and, as the last three months were spent in discussing the merits of the first, so the whole summer will be devoted to comparing notes and qualifying for ' critic' upon the new editions of this very extraordinar j' perfoimance. 30 LIFE I?J ANT) OUT OF LONnOX. The Town felt regret, as 1he bell toird the news, And no one rejoiced — but the Charhys ! A monument, too, their kind Patrons will raise, Inscribed on—" Here lies TOM and JEEEY, Who, departing the Staqe to their immortal praise, ONE THOUSAND Nights* made the Town merry ! ! ! " May their souls rest in peace, since they've chosen to flit, Like other great heroes departed ; May no mischief arise from their sudden exit, Nor PiEECE Egan die — Irohen-hearted ! In order to produce some novelty on tlie subject, on Monday, June 2, 1823, was performed, for the first time, at the Cobourg Theatre, The Death of Life in London; or, Tom and Jerry's Funerat-, written by T. Greenwood, Esq., an entirely New, Satirical, Burlesque, Operatic Parody, in one act, not taken from any thing, hut taking off many things, full of Wit, pregnant with Sensibility, abounding in Effects, Pathetic, Moral, Instructive, and Delightful, being the LAST that ever will he heard of these two popular Heroes. Record it not, ye historians of the LEGITIMATE DRAMA ! hear it not, ye lovers of the classic Stage ! and tell it not to the arbiters of good taste and polite literature ! that, after the Burletta of Life in London had been per- formed at every provincial theatre in the kingdom — ex- hibited at all the fairs, and peep-shows — after the mania had subsided — nearly seven years rolled over — and the threat of the poet at an end : — Alas ! how alter'd is the British Stage ! Splendour and novelty the town engage : Dkamatic Authors now their works may hury. Floor d by those dashing heroes, Tom and Jerry. * The Author's dramatic Piece of Tom and Jerry, which first ap- peared at Sadler's Wells, on April 8, 1822, to the last night at the Olympic Theatre, January 2, 1823, in less time than the short space of nine months, was represented ont hundred and ninety-one rtiijlits, a circumstance unj^recedented in the annals of the drama ; independent of Tom and Jerry being performed at five Theatres in the Metro- polis at the same time, for several months, by various adaptirs from the Original Work of Life in London ; besides the numerous re- presentations at most of the Provincial Pl;iy-houses. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDOX. 31 Should these Corinthians live, I'll make a bet, Our modern bards will be in the Gazette ! Take for their Benefit (a serious fact) A piece much hacknied — the Insolvent Act : — tlie Proprietors of the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, per- mitted Corinthian Tom to strut and fret his hour on their stage ; Jemj HauiJiorn to patter flash to the elegant creatures in the dress circle ; and Dusty Bob to embrace Black Sat, agitate his tinkler, toss off his max, and " come the double shuffle,''^ for the improvement of the listeners of the critics in the pit. Forbid it ! we assert; but, according to OM Granny's doctrine, when teaching the little kids, " Truth cannot be shamed, although it may be blamed," — Covent Garden Theatre threw off the mask, put the legiti- mate DRAMA on the shetf for a short period, had a shy for the blunt, and, in the highest style of gammon, announced to the public, that the humours of Life in London would be shewn, for the first time, to a Covent Garden audience. Surely that respectable Actor, the " Ogleby of his hour ! " who introduced Tom and Jerry for his benefit, did not mean to assert that the audiences of Covent Garden Theatre were packed ; or, in other words, they were all over so much legitimatized that they could not condescend to "s^isit Minor Theatres. Instead of stating it was his intention "to shew a Covent Garden audience Life in London," with all due deference to his opinion, it would have proved far more cor- rect thus to have announced it in the bill : — THE GHOSTS OF TOM AND JERRY! CRUCIFIED ! AT THE SHRIXE OF FALSE DELICACY ! ON THE BOAEDS OF A LEGLTLMATE THEATRE: By Theophilus Gammon, Esq. ly THREE CANT O's! Oh!. . .Ah!!. ..Oh!!! [Exit i)oor worn-oHt Legitimates. 32 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. It is, however, but justice to state, that the " Tough Old Commodore of the Flats " growled nicely ! nay, more, that *' he grinn'd horribly a ghastly smile ! " when he first heard that the Wings of the Classic Houses were to be polluted by the introduction of such loio fellows as Baron Nay em and Ragged Jack. It appears rather singular, to our notion of things, that the indefatigable and inventive " A^eteran caterer " in the Ballet and Pantomime department at the above Theatre, should also have " dropped down on his luck " in so great a degree, as to have given the preference to such a Piece, so hachiied from one end of the kingdom to the other, rather than " cudgel his own brains " to attract and please the Public with something NEW. But admitting, for the sake of argument, that the Performers have a right to intro- duce any Piece on their benefit nights, and the illegitimate Burletta of Tom and Jerry might- be considered a good draio ; yet what apology can be offered for the had taste of the Proprietors of the Classic Theatre, to perform Life in London for two nights afterwards on the stock account ? Why, the best apology in the world — Shakespere shall be their organ — and legitimate to all intents and purposes : — " 'Tis gold Which buys admittance — oft it dotli, yea, make Diana's rangers false to themselves." It is true, upon the legitimacy of the subject, some difference of ojDinion may have existed in the minds of the great Patentees of the Theatre Poyal ; but, of course, as their Patents grant them " an exclusive right or privilege," it must be admitted, " according to law," they are entitled not only to see clearer, but to possess a better understanding* ^- Let us argufy the topic — it must be true — they have a Patent to be superior to their inferiors in competition. The eyes of the great Patentees possess more fire ; their ears classic to the very echo ; their brains, more nous ; their taste so excellent as to be pronounced an octave above the superlative degree ; their perception immense, vast, unequalled ; and their judgments correct and final, like the Wool- sack. Indeed, Shakespere has it to a nicety : — " I am Sir Oracle ! And when I ope my lips lot no dog bark." LTFR IN AXI) OUT OK I.OXDOX. 33 upon theatrical matters, more especiall3^ when their pecuniary interests are concerned, than the managers of theatres of a minor description. If the position of the Poet be good, to Eye NATURE'S walks, shoot Folly as it flies. And catch the MANNERS living as they rise ! we shall tell the Call-hoy to bring forward DrsTY Bor,, with his bell, to collect lerjitimafe audiences, before whom the subject may be discussed with temper and talents : Corinthian Tom be allowed to plead in his own defence, as to the passport he derived from I^ATURE ; Jerry Haa^thorn to say a word or two in his own behalf, re- specting the advantages to be obtained by experience, know- ledge, and ART ; and an old friend, the never-failing Bob, chop Logic on the matter in dispute : 'Tis wit and wrangler's Logic ; thus d'ye see, I'll prove at once, as plain as A B C, " That an eel isle's a pigeon. To deny it, Would be to swear black's not black ! " " Come, let's try it ! " " An ed pie is a pie otflsh.'" — " Agreed." " Fish pie may be a jack pie." — " Well, proceed." " A jack pie is a John pie, and 'tis done. For every John Pie must be a Pie John.'' (Pigeon). " Bravo !" Sir Peter cries, " Logic for ever ! That beats my grandmother, and she was clever." Should Bob be beaten out of the field, after the Univer- sity learning he has displayed on the score of /egifimac//, why then we must call upon the Tellers in the Theatrical Treasuries to " go to scale " upon the matter ; in order to produce the " lots of blunt " realised by the managers all over England by their repeated performances of the illegi- timate piece of Tom and Jerry. The u-in)iing-Y>ost will then be obtained, without any difficulty, by the above heroes. The Poet's eye in a fine frenzy rolling. Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth t j lieaven ; And, as IMAGINATION bodies forth The form of things unknown, the poet's pen Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name. 34 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LOXDOX. But the EYE may voU, roll, and roll again ; and the " LOCAL HABITATION " may perhaps be obtained after months of deep study, by poring over the midnight lamp ; and just as the Author may be congratulating himself on the success of his genius, receiving the smiles of Fame, and a " trifling sweetener " from Threadneedle Street, as a re- ward for his exertions, he may be attacked by the Sappers and Miners — those pickers and stealers, who do not abso- lutely come under the denomination of pickpockets, yet thieves to all intents and purposes, and, certainly, robbers of the most unprincipled description — Literary Pirates. By which unfair means, the above nob-snatchers, not coming under the cognizance of the police, carry on their depreda- tions with the most unblushing effrontery ; irritate the poor Author, almost to madness, blast his prospects ; impose on the unwary by their imitations, and render the " cash ac- count" quite nugatory* There is another mob of Pirates, — a set of Vampires, living upon " the brains " of other persons, and who dare not think for themselves. *" This note is inserted here, on account of a duty we owe to our- selves, in Older to prevent "foul play" proving successful against us a second time ; and also to put our friends, all over England, on their guard against similar practices of imitation and deception. A Pub- lisher, during the popularity of the preceding volume of this work, who had not the pluck to put his real name, for reasons best known to himself, not only copied the outline of our story, but made an in- fringemott on our Title, and, in the most palpable manner, copied our hero in his plates ; and, by a paltry subterfuge, endeavoured to secure himself under the term "real." The above spurious production — in evcrj' point of view — was published at sixpence per number ; by which dishonourable mode of conduct he filled his own coffers at the expense of the fair and indefatigable exertions of the Author and Artist, and likewise to the great loss of the original Publishers in Paternoster Eow. Such conduct, so much at variance with the fair tradesman, ought to be exposed. Fair Play is our motto — and we will extort it from our opponents, if it is not to be obtained by any other moans. It is, however. Paternoster Eow to a Boolsta/l, Lackington's TjIbrary to a GhiUVs Primer, and Kingsland Eoad to a halfpenny ballad, that the Public are not again duped by such artifices. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 35 Some neither can for Wits nor Critics pass ; As heavy mules are neither horse nor ass ; Those half-Iearn'd witlings, num'rous in our islo, As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile ; Uxfinisii'd things, one knows not what to call, Their generation's so equivocal: To tell 'em would a hundred tongues require ! The Saj)pers and Miners are all upon the alert, as here- tofore, stealing an ei/e ; honing a nose ; prigging an ear ; running off with a Lady ; making free with a nob ; copying a face ; borrowing of legs ; wheeling off a barrow-full of BRAINS ; and overwhelmed with a cart-load of ideas ! In bidding adieu to the Pirates we feel anxious to throw out a few hints for their Reformation. We hope these Pilferers will take a si/nopsis of what has been presented to their notice ; and, in future, " turn from their wiched ways," and become honest men; '^ cudgel their own brains," to improve their circumstances, rather than knock about the Heads of other persons to supply their wants ; find Heroes for themselves ; make their own sketches ; dig deep into their own mazzarcis ; ask themselves a few questions on the propriety of " to do to all men, as I would THEY should DO UNTO ME ; " givo the Paste and Scissors a long HoKday ; and, as a last farewell, to let every Tub stand upon its own bottom ! The cheering smile of FAME will now inspire us with more confidence than ever towards the completion of the Work before us, flattering ourselves that we have kept our promise with the Public in the most rigid point of view, namely : — we have made the grave to smile, the gay to feel delight, the comical laugh heartily, and the pathetic have occasion for a icij^ie. The modest have not had occa- sion to turn aside with disgrust, nor the moralist to shut the book offended. The Corinthians, likewise, have no cause to be ashamed to acknowledge " Tom " as one of their party ; the Universities not the slighest complaint to exjiel, or even rusticate, " Bob Logic ; " nor the large family of the Hawthorns to disown poor " Jerry," for his " Rambles and Sprees through the Metropolis." 36 I.IFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Thus, after tlie lapse of Seven Years, the Author has once more seized hold of the feather, and the Artist his pencil, with an earnest endeavour to follow the advice of our immortal bard, or rather adopt him as a model, " nothing to extenuate, or to set down aught in malice ! " and To hold as 'twere The Mirror up to Nature ; to shew Virtue her own feature, Vice her own image, and the very age And body of the Time, its form and pressure. Then thus it is : — i) CHAPTER II. The difficidtij of parting icith Old Pals — notJiing else hut the right sort of Chaps — a practical illustration of the sound doctrine of " Friendship loithout Interest" A sigh for those " dear creatures " left behind lis. Stage Coach reflections and adventures. New acquaintances. Sir John Blubber, Knf., a second Falstaff ivithout stuffing. An Outline of his Character. Bill Put-'em-along, the learned JDragsman. The Pulpit versus the Box. The broken sentence mended. Taking Stock — balancing accounts — something after the manner of the dangers of Towx Rambles versus Country Amusements. Change of scene absolutely necessary. Reluctant adieu to the Metropolis ; but, nevertheless, the powerful attrac- tions of " Home ! siccet Ho:me ! " Hawthorn Hall in sight, and the joy of the Old Folks on the return of Jerry to his native soil. The advantages of "pulling tip" in time — good effects of training ; and exercise the best 2)hysic towards the 2^>'oduction of health and strength. Jerry once more himself — his favourite pursuits renewed with vigour. The Charms of the Chase: Our pleasure transports us, how gay flies the hour, Sweet health and quick spirits attend ; Not sweeter when ev'ning conveys to the bower. And we meet the loved smile of a friend. See the stag just before us I he starts at the cry : He stops — his strength fails — speak, my friends — must he die ? His innocent aspect, while standing at bay, His expression of anguish and pain. All plead for compassion — your looks seem to say, Let him bound o'er the forest again. Quick release him, to dart o'er the neighbouring plain ; Let him live^let him bound o'er the forest ag.iiu. 38 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Jerry a true Sportsman — t/ie p/easnre cdtached to the dog and the gun. The delightful Country round Hawthorn Hall. -Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say, " Good Night," till it be morrow. THE great bustle and confusion incident to tlie White Horse Cellar, Piccadilly, so well known to persons wlio quit the above celebrated Hotel for most parts of the kindom,* had scarcely ceased to vibrate upon the ears of the discon- solate, nay, chop-fallen Jerry, by the departure of the stage-coach for its place of destination, when, being left to his own meditations, he became so dejected at the blank left in his mind by the absence of his ^Jff/s, that he almost angrily looked round him, and seemed to say to his fellow- travellers : — Why, what's that to you, if my eyes I'm wiping, A TEAR is a pleasure, d'ye see, in its way ; It's nonsense for TRIFLES, I own, to be piping, But they that an't feeling, why I pity they ! Though the coach was quite full of company, yet Jerry was so much absorbed in thought, that, for a few minutes, he might positively be said to have been — Alone ! Indeed, * It is highly necessary for persons who are quitting London at the above rendezvous for stage-coaches to be on the alert, but their atten- tion is so much occupied by the surrounding objects, that the passengers have scarcely time to think of themselves. To the stranger and timid female the bustle and noise of the scene is extremely annoying. The almost perpetual blowing of horns, the arrival and departure of nume- rous stage-coaches, the busy, impertinent, resolute Cuds, also upon the look-out to procure jjassongers, persuading them nearly against their inclinations to mount this or that ere coach with which their interests are connected; men with newspapers, others with umbrellas, oranges, pencils, walking-sticks, &c., &c., form a most extraordinary assem- blage, and absorb the whole attention. Indeed, the ignorant arc very liable to make mistakes ; and, in more instances than one, it has been discovered too late to rectify the error, when, manj"- miles out of town, Ihoy have had the mortification of learning they have gone hy a wrong ranch ! LIFE IX AND OL'T 01' LONDON. 39 it was no common separatio)i to part with such fried friends as Corinthian To:n[, and the (jaij and lively Bon Logic, who had, upon all occasions, acted towards our hero with the most disinterested motives : his improvement and future welfare being their only object in view. The sensation felt by Jerry on losing his friends, may, therefore, in some measure, be offered as an apology for his want of gallantry to his female companions in the vehicle. A sigh frequently escaped from the Kps of our hero, in spite of the rattling and jolts of the coach over the stones, when the recollection of the elegant Corinthian Kate and the Charming Sue flashed across his memory : excus- ing this amiable weakness, in the words of the poet : — " Is there a heart that never loved, Or felt soft woman's sigh ? " " Lovely woman ! Never," said he, mentally, " shall I forget the ' gay momenta ' I passed when first introduced to their notice by Tom ; indeed, words could not be more accurately applied by my Coz. ; and I am only afraid I shall never experience such an intellectual treat again. By my depar- ture from London I shall not only be deprived of their most interesting company for some time to come, but I feel ex- tremely mortified that I had not an opportunity of saying to them, Farewell, accompanied by a chaste salute. I shall often remember the many delightful games of Romps* I have had with the kind-hearted Sue ! Bless her pretty index ! But it is, perhaps, all for the best ; I might have become too fond of her ; the company of Sue was too fascinating for me, and the result might have proved * In order to prevent any obscurity upon this subject, and likewise to avoid anything like double entendre, which punsters and jokers are too often apt to indulge in by tioisting words to their purpose in order to create a laugh, we think it necessary to state that the broken sentence at the conclusion of the first volume, page 37G, is here mended by Jerry in his allusion to the numerous games of Eomps he had had with the charming Sub. 40 I.IFE I.V AXD OUT OF LOXDOX. dangerous to my peace of mind. Yet my best wishes attend upon lier weKare I " The want of Boh at my elhoir, to rally my spirits when I am getting dull, I shall soon find out ; and the experience of my invaluable friend Tom to act as guide when my mind may prove wavering as to the selection of the right path, will operate as a serious loss ; but, nevertheless, I am grate- ful for 2^'^'^f exertions, and must act for myself towards the future. Though my health, perhaps, has suffered a slight shock by my visit to London, yet it is a consolation to me to reflect that my ' notice to quit ' is only connected with the day and night scenes of the Metropolis, and that my return to the country is upon a repairing lease. The tene- ment, I flatter myself, is not yet so much damaged but it can be made tcind and water jyroof ior a long time to come ! " "WTiile Eeasox ruJ(S the ghtss, and Friendship flings Its CiAUDE-like tint o'er life's convivial hours, HeiH towards heart with generous fervour springs, And Fancy wreathes the social board with flowers. LIFE IX AND our OV hONDOX. 41 Look uow on yon hihhers — how wildly they laugh, And exult o'er the poison they fearlessly quaff; Their mirth grows to madness, and loudly they call On the waiter ; — he enters — DEATH ivults on them all I They jest at his figure — 'tis meagre and bare, But soon his " pale liv'ry " the proudest shall wear. That LAST/a^«/ Bottle the r/i isc/ne/ shall work ; Their last vital breath shall be drawn with that cork. Its odour is fetid — it smells of the de^vd, 'Tis a type of their fate, for their spirits have fled : The glass of hilarity reels in their hand. But there is another glass — flowing with sand ; Its grains are fast falling — they trickle — no more, Those GLASSES are drained — the CAEOUSAL is o'er I H>/de Park Corner and TattersaVs were passed with ex- treme regret by Jerry : " The latter place," he observed, " has proved a great source of amusement to me, in a variety of instances ; but I must now leave those gay fellows, and their thorough-bred cattle of every description, for a short period, to settle all matters in dispute by themselves. Dr Please'em will have it so ; and I really am much indebted to his excellent ad^acej as to the means of recovering my health ; and I shall now be enabled to follow his prescrij)- tions much more attentively than when at Corinthian House. The difference of conduct will be striking in every point of view ; ' to rise with the Lark,' instead of stagger- ing to bed after a lark ; Kstening to the musical cry of the hounds rather than be woke from one's slumbers by the drawling sounds of the Watchmen ; and up by peep-o'- day, to enjoy the sweet and bracing air of the country, instead of inhahng large quantities of Gas every step at midnight ! " The above sort of a reverie being at an end, the spirits of Jerry began to improve ; he bade adieu to the blue devils, and ventured to take a slight synopsis of his female companions in the coach, who had hitherto been quite neglected (or rather unnoticed by him), for upwards 42 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. of the first ten miles. Two of the ladies, by their apparel,* appeared to be persons belonging to a superior class in Society. Young, interesting, cheerful, and possessing coun- tenances of the most inviting and open description ; so much so, that Jerry might have been pardoned, if the exclamation had escaped his lips : How happy could I be witli either I The other female, on the contrary, was rather advanced in years, — her dress solemn and precise to a pin, with a face severe and rigid, and her exterior altogether bore evident marks of austerity : therefore, one glance at the Old Maid was quite sufficient for the sparklers of Jerry ; and, to prevent any mistakes on his part, he left this " rem- nant of antiquity" to act according to her own discretion, either to join in the discourse, or to remain silent. Our hero soon rendered himself agreeable, by his con- versation, to the young females. After the state of the wcatherf had been ascertained and settled by the parties, the Parks, the Opera, Theatres, the Fashions, and almost every other circumstance which had tended to excite public attention during the season in the Metropolis, were rapidly discussed between Jerry and his entertaining companions, with considerable taste and ability. The be- witchino; Vestris was admitted an actress of the highest * This sort of criterion now-a-days must be pronouuced douhtfid, when dress is so much the rage throughout all ranks in society ; but, nevertheless, Jerry's judgment proved correct : the golden chain, the brilliant ear-rings, the rich silk pelisse, and the beautiful ringlets, all lost their attractive importance upon our hero, after the ladies began to discourse "eloquent music." t The state of the weather is almost a sine qua non with travellers in general, respecting the introduction of themselves to each other ; in fact, it might have been advantageously set forth in the new work, "Helps to Conveksation, hij an Old Cripple." For instance, "I think the weather will turn out fine. Madam," "We shall have no rain to-daj', Sir," " Lots of hlue slnj,'' &c., &c. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 43 fascination in London, and unequalled for the possession of versatility of talent ; having sustained in one week, according to the statement of one of the young ladies, three principal characters at the Italian Opera, the French Play, and at Drury Lane Theatre, and Kkewise excelled in all of them. Mr Keen}, too. Jerky thought, was most un- doubtedly entitled to the appellation of Shakespere's Hero ; the Othello of this triumphant actor was unique : but Mac- reaehj, in his humble opinion, came under the denomination of a great melo-dramatic actor ; although it was only justice to state, the Virginius and William Tell of Mac- ready were master pieces of the histrionic art. The Old Maid was stubbornly silent during the whole of the above conversation between Jerry and the young ladies ; yet, by her shrugs and grimaces, she gave her fellow-travellers evident signs of her disapprobation and utter contempt for such profane subjects. Jerry was not to be deterred by the outward tokens of the above remnant of antiquity, whose severity of countenance seemed to infer : '* Young folks, ye know not what ye do ; the lighter things of this world only occupy your attention. Your time might be more seriously and profitably employed for your future welfare." Our hero soon resumed the conversation, but he would have felt himself a little more confident, if To:m had been of the party, when the Italian Opera, the last new Novels, and the Galleries of Paintings, were the themes of the discourse ; yet, nevertheless, he ventured to observe that Mercandotti* was the most delightful dancer he had ever seen. " Her very soul," said Jerry, " might almost * At the period above alluded to, this justly celebrated dancer had not been induced to quit the stage ; nor her subsequent retii'ement felt by the lovers of the " light fantastic toe," and admirers of first- rate dancing. Yet who could quarrel with Mademoiselle Mercandotti for the step she took towards the Temple of Hymen, which was con- sidered as one of the best and richest movements in her profession, by securing a young and golden partner for life. 44 UVE IN AX I) OUT OF LONDON. be witnessed in every step, with whicli she enrajitured her auditors ; indeed it is totally out of my power to describe her excellence," the above opinion was mildly offered in opposition to one of the young ladies who had decidedly expressed herself in favour of Iladame Nohlet. " It is true," said she, " I have been delighted with the movements of Mademoiselle llercandotti, and I can only view her as a most powerful rival to Nolkt; but the simpKcity of the latter, her attractive symmetry of form, the ease and ele- gance of her steps, appearing almost unconscious that she was in the presence of spectators, have made so strong an impression upon my mind, that, although a female, I am quite in love with her. Nohlet is really a pretty creature ! " The gallantry of Jerry in this instance became rather at a standstill ; and, with considerable politeness, he gave up the point. A variety of other topics connected with the subjects of the day, were disposed of with taste and spirit on both sides, and the time went off so pleasantly between Jerry and the young ladies, that Twyford and Reading were passed through, without producing the slightest remark, until they arrived at Newbury, where an elegant carriage, with servants in livery, was in waiting to convey them to the seat of their father, a few miles distant from the above place. Our hero expressed much regret at their depar- ture ; and the young ladies, in return, thanked him for his entertaining company, and politeness in attending them to their carriage. Jerry again seated himself in the stage- coach ; but the attraction was gone, and mum became the order of the day between him and the Old Maid, imtil the vehicle arrived at Speenhamland. Here the coach stojiped at the Hotel to take up a passenger, known by the name and title of Sir John Bluivher, Knt. On Jerry's witnessing the approach of the Knight towards the coach, the bulky figure of the latter caused him to smile, as he appeared to Jerry capable, as to exterior, of performing the part of i^(^//.s/'r(/^' without the aid of staffing. The door of the coach was immediately opened for his reception, LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. 4-5 but, after immense puffing and bhtciiig, the perspiration rolling down his cheeks like steam, and the struggles of the fat Knight to obtain an entrance, with the assistance and pushing of the coachman, amid the loud laughs of the post-boys and Johnny Raws who surrounded the door of the inn, at the ludicrous efforts of Sir John to effect an impossibility, the attempt was given up as hopeless. In this dilemma, the fat Knight consented to take an outside place on the roof of the stage, exclaiming, " A plague take 3'our narrow doors, say I ! It would be difficult for a ram- rod to get inside. The proprietors ought to be indicted for having such small coaches. Do you call such treat- ment accommodating the public ? Such little vehicles are only fit for toys to amuse children. Here have I been waiting at the Hotel for several hours to obtain a place, and tried all the coaches as they passed the door, and am now compelled to mix with the common sort of folks outside. An alteration must be made in the Act of Parlia- ment for regulating stage-coaches, to have the doors made of decent width, and not such pojy-gan holes as they now are, to admit a person of a moderate size. The next Session of Parliament I shall, most certainly, petition the House upon the great importance of the subject." The Old Maid, on hearing the determination of the fat Knight, suddenly broke silence, and, popping her head out of the coach window, said, " dear, Mr Coachman, I really think I must get out ; it will not be safe for me to continue my journey inside, if that ' uncommonly big gentleman ' rides upon the roof ; I am sure it will fall in, and I shall be smothered to death." Bill Put-'em-along, the gentle- manly Coachman, as he was characterized on the road, touched his hat, and with a suppressed grin upon his face, replied, " You may depend upon it, 3Iiss Never-asked, there is not the slightest danger in the world. My coach is built upon new principles ! It is one of the Patent Safety Coaches. The roof is strong enough to carry St. Paul's Cathedral, from one end of the globe to the other, if you could but get that venerable pile upon the coach, as 46 MFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. luggage," At the genteel gammon thus displayed by the dragsman, Jerr^ could scarcely refrain from indulging himself in a loud fit of laughter ; and the fat knight was likewise so much pleased, notwithstanding his disappoint- ment, that he chuckled again at the well-told story of Bill Put-'em-along, and cried out, " Coachy, you are quite an orator. It is all true, every word of it ; and I am sure you are too much of a gentleman to deceive any young lady ! " This tiny bit of flattery from the " uncommonly big gentle- man," tended to allay the fears of the Old Maid, who, in rather a more satisfied tone of expression, observed, " If you are sure it is a Patent Safety Coach, Mr Coachman, I will proceed with my journey ; as I have been informed it is impossible that any accident can occur to a coach secured by a Patent of Safety ! " " Quite right, Miss," replied Put-'em-along, almost laughing in her faee at the cre- dulity she thus displayed ; " you may compose your feel- ings with the utmost security," The ladder was now placed against the coach, and Sir John mounted the roof with less difiiculty than might have been anticipated from his ponderosity ; but in firmly seating himseK upon the roof he made the coach shake again, as if almost attacked by an earthquake, to the great terror of the Old Maid, who, now agitated beyond descrijDtion, uttered a violent scream, and addressed herself to Jerry : "0 dear. Sir ! Young gentleman ! Pray let me ask, do you not perceive a crack upon the top of the coach ? I am sure he has split the roof ! What a thing it would be, if he should come through the roof ! The 'uncommonly big gentleman,' I am afraid, will soon be a-to}) of us ! " Before Jerry could make a reply, the fat Knight, on hearing the shriek of the Old Maid, put down his jolly face towards the coach window, and assured her " there was no danger to be apprehended from him. He was not so large a man as she might think ; there were much bigger men than he often went as passengers by the Safety Coach. He was certain he did not weigh above twenty-four stone at the most ! " Jerry (perhaps unpardonably at such a mo- LIFE IN AXl) OUT OF LONDON. 47 ment, but liis love of a " bit of fun " with some persons may operate as an excuse) now begged the Old Maid to be pacified ; and endeavouring, at the same time, to make up his face as sanctified as a methodist preacher at a love feast, thus addressed her : " The only doubt that I have at present upon the subject is, whether we may rely upon the declara- tion that the vehicle we are now in is really a Safety Coach. There is, I am sorr}^ to say, no dependence to be placed upon these coachmen. I perceive no cvack at present, Miss ; but I would not answer how soon such an opening may make its appearance inside of the coach, considering such an * uncommonly big gentleman ' is over our heads. I think it might be as well once more to ask the coachman respecting the truth of his assertion." Bill Put-'em-along again answered the interrogative with " All's right ! " "I am now perfectly satisfied, Miss," replied our hero, " and there is no doubt of your continuing your journey with the utmost safety." Jerry was compelled to put his head out of the coach window to prevent being detected by the Old Maid at the trumped-up story he had made, having no longer any command over the lineaments of his face. All now was quiet for a few miles, and the coach made its way over the ground with great celerity, when the Old Maid again relapsed into her former taciturnity. Jerry, although far, very far, removed from the character of a misogynist, was now determined to leave Miss Never-asked to her own private reflections, and join the pleasant company of the gay dvagsman, and the fat jovial Knight outside ; he there- fore ordered Bill-Put-'em-along to pull up, and, with a respectful bow, took his leave of the Old Maid. " I hope, Sir," said she, "you apprehend no danger by leaving the inside of the coach ? If you do, pray be kind to me — nay, more, be candid, as to my doubtful situation, as I still have my fears about that ' uncommonly big gentleman.' " " De- pend upon it, Miss," replied Jerry, *'I take my leave of you under no other consideration than to enjoy the benefit of the air, which the state of my health positively requires." This answer proved quite satisfactory to the feelings of the Old Maid. 48 LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON'. Our hero now mounted tlie box, along with Bill Put-'e.m- ALONG, who was everything but a dummi/ ; in fact, originally, he had been intended by his relatives to sustain the sacred functions of a clergyman ; and accordingly he had received his education at one of the colleges at Cambridge. TThat progress he had made in his studies during his novitiate to obtain the character of a " learned Pundit," had never been a subject of argument amongst his fellow collegians; but for a trotting match, as a good shot, and as an amateur whip, they would back him to " push along, keep moving, and to get over the ground," against most of the stage coachmen of the day. His papa and mamma had long been called to that " bourne from whence no traveller returns ; " and he was left wholly to the guardianship of a rich old uncle. A " good living " was also in store for him, Avhen he arrived at a proper period of his life to conduct it with propriety and rectitude. The least thing Bill partook of at College was learning ; it being -the most tronhhsome. He could much sooner dispose of a bottle or two of Champagne, than descant upon the Elements of Eaclid ; mount his tit with greater celerity than quote a passage from Tirgil ; and make use of the gloves with more tact than expatiate on the beauties of Paley. ]3ill never expected preferment in the Church — to become a Dean never entered his thoughts — to be made a Bishop, quite out of the question ; and as to filling the high situation of an Archbishop of Canterburj^, it Avas visio)iari/ in the extreme. Therefore, severity of study did not belong to his booh — he turned over the leaves of the Racing Calendar with pleasure and profit ; and noted down the ODDS at Tattersal's several times with an interesting account : and in the true spirit of the thing. Bill often used to give it as a matter of taste amongst his brethren of the gown, when enjoying the " gaily circling glass," during the hours of relaxation at College. " For my money," said he, " I'll have Doncaster for Book-?'«(7 against Cambridge; for NoB-?ro;'Z-, I'll bet any odds, Epsom in preference to Oxford ; and for Readers, Newisiarket, 50 to 1, against both the schools of St Paul's and Westminster, Ten Ponies on York, for the production of scJiolars, as to knou-Jedge and calculation, against LIFE IN AND OrX 01-' hONDOX. 49 all the deep studies acquired at Eton ; and Ascor, dclio;htful, splendid Ascot, for pedigree, bottom, bone, and blood, ' all to nothing ' against the ' traininrj ' at the Chartcr-Jtoii-^c ! " Put-'em-along, it was soon discovered, preferred the range of the world, to the confined state of the closcf, and he Avas determined to risk his fortune upon the Grand Theatre of Life, rather than stick to the " old, musty, fusty rules of College." He soon ran through his patrimony ; the advice of his uncle had not been attended to, and Bill felt quite satisfied that the " good living " was completely out of sight ; something must be done ; a gentleman without means he found to be the most afflicting state in society, and of "no use " at all in the Metropolis ; he therefore turned his atten- tion towards " the road ! " Yet not after the mode of a celebrated dramatic hero, to turn the " lead into gold ; " neither to trifle away his time with the "pretty Follies'' and " fond Lucies ; " but without hesitation he mounted the box, stuck to his leaders, handled the ribbons, and picked up, after all, a '^ good living,^' without quoting a single text from Scripture. Such was the outline of Bill Put-'e]m-along. He was patronised by the Sivclh ; his fellow-collegians also stuck to him like glue ; and his civility and attention to his passengers rendered him a host within himself. His appear- ance was likewise prepossessing ; his manners mild and interesting ; and he was always dressed like a gentleman. In fact, the passengers were afraid to offer him the usual tij) at the journey's end, until he faintly observed, " the Coach- man ! " His drag was also in unison with the rest of his character, by possessing much more the sweU\odk of a gentle- man's Four-in-hand, instead of a regular vehicle for public hire ! That Bill should prove himself a most interesting feature on the box, hj his observations, and his knowledge of the various classes of society that he was comj)elled, from his daily occupation, to mix with, will not be doubted for an instant ; he was also a most cheerful and lively companion in every point of view, and perfectly capable of answering any questions put to him by the passengers, respecting the seats along the road, and the characters of the various nobility and e 50 I.IFl'. IX AND OIT OF LONDON. gentry who inhabit them. Alongside of the road, toe. Bill had his friends amongst the landlords of the various inns, ^| who said of Coach ij, '^ that there was nothing of the screw j| about him, and what he axed for, he tipped for, like a Gent, which was more than many dragsmen did as how they could mention, although it was no matter howsomdever, here or there." Put 'em-along was likewise a bit of a favourite with the comely hostesses, the dashing barmaids, and prime smart chambermaids, who always gave it as their opinion, when Bill's character was inquired into as a Coachman, " that he was such a nice man, and so attentive to the females, that it really was a pleasure to go a journey with a person like Mr Put-'em-along." Jerry had scarcely seated himself alongside of the Coach- man, when the fat Knight said, " Sir, I am very glad you have joined us : you will find Coach y here as good as an almanack, intelligent upon most subjects, and witty upon all of them. I have heen joking with him about the uncertainty of human affairs, the change of occupation from grave \.o gay ; the lingo equally at variance with the two situations in life ; Tillotson giving way to Goldfinch, in order to comply with the phraseology of the road ; and the dress necessary to render the character complete. I am glad to see that Mr. Put-'em- along has got the ' whip-hand ' of his opponents ; and though not exactly ' holding forth^ for the improvement of his flock, yet, nevertheless, he is ' holding them up,' and still so much confidence is placed in his exertions to make ' all right,' that a great variety of souls and bodies are continually under his immediate care, in order that they may be kept in the right road, and arrive safe at the end of the journey." Sir John then, by way of illustration, sang, or rather hummed, the following verse in an imdcr tone : — " One negro say one ting, you take no offence, Black and luhite be one colour a hundred year hence ; And when Massa Death kick him into a grave, lie no spare negro, buckra, nor massa, nor slave ; Then dance, and then sing, and a banger thrum, thrum, li(ifvvUih to tuik what TO-MOEKOW may come ; LIFE IX AXl) OT'T OF I.ONnOX. 51 Lily laugh and bo fat, do best tiug you can do. Time enougb to be sad when j'ou kickara hoo ! " " Such conduct, Sir, on the part of our Coachman, deserves most undoubtedly a ' good living ; ' and I not only hope that he gets lots of mint-sauce* but that his meals will be always sweetened with that restorative article, during the remainder of his days." Jerry was quite pleased with the change he had made, by quitting silence personified by the Old Maid inside, for the excellent company of the "uncommonly big gentleman" outside, whose notions of society were so much in unison with his own ideas of the world, that " the right end of life is to lire and he jolly J' By this time the coach had arrived at Cherril, distinguished for the large white horse cut out of the turf, upon a hill of chalky substance, viewed as a dis- -■'■ Mixt-Sauce. One of the numerous cant terms for money. It was a favourite word with Sir John, when in the company of persons whei'e he thought it was applicable : he also claimed to be the author of the above jj/irose. Although " it is oxlyoptioxal," so inimitably told by LiSTON, in the character of Lulin Lorj, to the Guard, yet the Coachman to a drag that loads anything like well, is far from a losing game. However, the anxiety naturally attendant ujjon driving a four- horse stage ; keeping strange horses at times well together, and to do their work ; the duty to be performed, whether in hot or cold weather, wet or dry ; the safety of the passengers alwaj's in view, either up or down the hills ; the absolute necessity of keeping time ; the different tempers to please, inside and out of the coach ; civility always re- quii'ed ; and satisfaction to be given to the various Proprietors. When all the above circumstances are taken into consideration, the liberal mind must be clearly satisfied, that " tlie labourer is ivorthy of his hire!'''' The stage coachmen, within the last twenty-five years, throughout England, are an improved race of men altogether ; the WASTE-Z)i<N. 55 for the last few months — I am rather out of sorts ; but, in the course of a few days, I hope to be all right again. I am on ray return, to see my old dad and mam ; no better crea- tures in the world ; excuse me, Sir, if I seem prejudiced a little bit in favour of my father and mother, but I am con- fident you will think so with me, when you know them. Come, then. Sir John, and see them at Hawthorn IlaU, where you cannot call too often for us ; and, if I do not produce j'ou good sport ; lend you a capital hunter ; with dogs of the first quality ; a jjrime gun ; a sincere welcome ; a substantial repast ; and a resting-place as long as you like for your jolly frame, when you feel tired, say there is no honour or reliance to be placed in Jerry Hawthorn ! But remember. Sir Joiix, all the old maids on my manor are game not to be disturbed ! " " Agreed, my son, for hence- forward I shall always call you so ; and, upon my veracity, sooner than not become acquainted with an honest fellow, like Jerry Haa^thorx, to render my travels through life pleasant I would have parted with a large vase full of mint- sauce ! But I positively will not part with you, my son, imtil we have cracked a bottle of champagne, and also taken some refreshment." Jerry and Sir Johx immediately ordered dinner ; and a post-chaise was likewise kept in readi- ness, on the termination of the repast, to convey Jerry to Hawthorn Hall, Sir John Blubber was a retired, wealthy citizen, who had fvdfilled the duties of a Common-council-man, and who had also served the important ofilce of Sheriif of the city of London. Sir John had refused an Alderman's gown ; and, in all probability, if he had not retired from mercantile transactions, might have become the Lord Ma^'or of one of the greatest cities in the world. Of the advantages of edi- CATiON he could not boast ; but, nevertheless, he considered himself a good calculator, although he was " self-taught." The only circumstance Sir John was known to flatter him- self about was — being the origin of all his wealth. He was perfectly indifferent of obtaining the title of "a gentleman," as a passport to high-bred quality folks ; being well assured 56 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. that the character of a mau of fortune could not be withheld from him. He, therefore, left all sjjeculations to those persons who were desirous to add to their gains, and quitted the anxiety of the Stock Exchange for a life of ease ; being determined to spend the remainder of his days in the enjoy- ment of those advantages which health and a long purse can procure. Sir John had realised quite money enough for himself. It was true, according to the old adage, that he had neither " chick nor child " to provide for, in regard to rehttionshij) ; and Sir John often joined in the laugh against himself, that he was not only a thricing man, but there was enough upon his frame to make two jolly fellows, although he had always ranked as a single man ! According to the Knight's own words, he had risen in the world from nothing : he was a poor orphan ; a workhouse boy ; in truth, a child without a friend. His mother died in giving birth to him ; and the utmost information he could ever learn respecting his father was, that he had been shot in an engagement on board of a man-of-war, and his name was Jack Blubber. The early days of Sir John had been marked by wretchedness and distress ; in fact, " He had been steeped in poverty to tlie very lips ! " In relating his own story of the rapid progress he had made in life, he did not forget to mention the time when he was compelled to behold his naked toes oftener in the streets than was agreeable to his feelings ; and frequently his cl botes would show themselves to his acquaintances, in opposition to all his efforts to conceal the scanty state of his wardrobe. In order to show its rising quality, his //air, too, in spite of all his combing it down, did, for a longer period than was con- genial to the taste of Sir John, peep through the broken crown of his //at. But, by industry and care, he was enabled to conceal his toes within good shoes and stockings ; a new coat also prevented his naked elbows any more annoy- ing the eyes of his acquaintances ; and, ultimately, a descent hat covered his head. Step by step he made his way into society ; from the little errand boy, he became the respect- ]-lFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 57 able porter to carry out light weights, aud carefully to look after most extensive and valuable premises entrusted to bis charge. In process of time, by keen observation, regularity of con- duct, and attention to his department, such are the vicissi- tudes of fortune in the great Metropolis of England, he became the great proprietor of that very dwelling where he had commenced his career by cleaning knives and brushing shoes, the holding of horses, and everything connected with the duties of a menial servant. Success attended all his exertions, something after the manner of Midas ; and every- thing Sir John touched turned almost into gold. In every respect, circumstances had changed for the better in the great revolution of his affairs ; but his heart, which was good from his cradle* still firmly remained in the right place; and the turn of 'fortune's sportive wheel' had not altered his feelings a jot. Yes, they had ! — No ! not chancjed them, but increased their excellence. At one period of his life, his licart almost bled at the afflicting cases which presented themselves to his notice, as it was then totally out of his power to relieve them : but the case was now happily altered with Sir John ; the opportunity had arrived when he could gratify his wishes to the utmost extent, without reserve or regret : he could cry where the tear not only enriched the appeal of sorrow, but clearly illustrated the unfortunate's tale. His purse was never closed against the real object of imavoidable misfortune and distress ; indeed, it was the opinion of the fat Knight, that it was much better to be duped at times, than to let a deserving man or woman, in need of charity, be " sent empty away," as a token of revenge on the plausible wretch and sanctified hypocrite. * Perhaps this is a misnomer. From the wretchedly abject state of his mother, it is more than likely that Sir John did not enjoy the luxury of a Cradle during his babyhood. The fat Knight, however serious the matter might have proved to his feelings in the days of his j)Overiy, has often joked about it in his prosperity, by saying "his mother was upon io«nZ-wages when he was ushered into the world, which accounted for his not having a ' rvdc ' too much ! "' 58 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. To simi up the character of Sir John Blubber : lie was a most facetious, jolly, good-natured soul ; one of that class of persons deemed indeiDcndent ; and his property enabled him to '•' care for nobody," if family pride was the promi- nent failing ; yet he was most anxious to respect the feel- ings of every individual, and to treat no person with contemf)t, more especially those characters whose circum- stances in life reduced them to the appellation of being called — Poor. To use his own words, he thought himself quite big enough, rich enough, and happy enough ; but if he could make a choice, he should prefer being a little thinner, to enable him to get out of danger, when speed was the object in view ; but, nevertheless. Sir John sensiblj' contented him- self, that it was impossible to have everything one's own way. He was generally rambling about the countr}' ; and some ecccntricitY was attached to his character. The mind of Sir John was soon made up ; and he would start off, at the instant it took his fancy, for Brighton, Doncaster, New- market, or any other part of the kingdom, without a second thought on the subject : and previous to his becoming so corpulent, he was continually riding from one place of note to another. To keep the mind on the stretc//, as he termed it, was one of the greatest steps towards happiness ; more especially when there was no lack of niint-saiice to make the person comfortable. "A clean shirt and a guinea were no bad companions," Sir John said, " to meet his eyes every morning on his table when breakfast was served up : " and there was a certain something so delightful attached to Independence, that he often wished he had been gifted with the powers of oratory to describe its beauties. When Sir John became tired of any place, and wished to return to town, he Avould often facetiously call out, "To the Toicerf" — his residence (but Snuggcri/ he had it called) being near the Min'J', and not one hundred miles distant from the above ancient safeguard to the City of London. " Capital landmarks for stray Cockneys," urged the "uncommonly big gentlenum," "and a prime Same- LIFE IN AND OUT Ol- LONDON. 0*J box,* to render the view not only interesting, but attractive to every person." The dinner was at an end ; the friendly bottle drained of its animating contents ; the post-chaise announced b}^ the waiter to be in readiness at the door ; when our hero and Sir John bade farewell, with repeated promises of visitino- each other. The spirits of Jerry were rather exhilarated by an extra glass of wine, added to the pleasing idea that he should soon be under his native roof, and in the company of his father and affectionate mother, when he observed, fuU of glee, " Boy, you know the road well ? " " To an inch, your honour," was the reply : "I have lived in Bath these last fft //-/ire years." "Then don't /lop," said Jerry, "but go along like winking : I am in haste to arrive at Hawthorn Hall before Sir Oliver goes to bed." The boy took the hint ; the tits answered the whip ; and the Old Bridge at Bath was crossed without delay. ^' Sir Oliver — Sir Oliver," said the boy to himself, after puzzling his brains for some time, " I don't know any such person about this part of the coimtry."t The pleasures of anticipation quite enlivened the feelings of our hero at every step he advanced upon the road towards his native village ; and, although he had quitted London only a few hours, he flattered himself his health had improved. " In a short period," said he, " I shall embrace one of the most affectionate beings on earth, my dear mother ; and, at the same time, feel the animated grasp of the hand of one of the most friendly men in the universe — my most respected father." Indeed, Jerry was so much impressed with the scene he was about to realise, that he gave way to his feelings, on recol- lecting the following popular air : — * The Mint. According to Sir John, "the box full of good things ; and nothing like it to ' box the compass ' with through life." I In order to relieve the mind of the post-boy, should he peruse this work, " Sir Oliver " is a cant phrase for the Moon 60 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 'Mid pleasures and palaces, thougli we may roam, Still ever so humble, there's no place l/'h home ; A charm from the skies seems to hallow it there, Which, go through the world, you will not meet elsewhere. Home I Home I Sweet Home ! There is no place like home. An exile from home, pleasure dazzles in vain, Ah 1 give me my LOWLY THATCHED Cottage again ; The birds singing sweetly, that came to my call, Give me them, and that peace of mind, dearer than all 1 Home ! Home ! &c. It was a delightful moon-liglit evening, and ever}^ object he passed along the road seemed to revive in his recollection the jjleasures of his boyhood. The last mile was nearly accomplished, and Hawthorn Hall in view : and as he drew nearer to the much loved spot, it is impossible to describe the pleasing sensations on hearing his favourite greyhound Flora, and the fine old house-dog, Blucher, bark as it were a sort of welcome home : — 'Tis sweet to hear the watch-dog's honest bark Bay deep-mouth'd welcome as we draw near home ; 'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come ; 'Tis sweet to be awaken'd by the lark. Or luU'd by falling waters ; sweet the hum Of bees, the voice of girls, the song of birds, The lisp of children and their earliest words. The post-chaise at length drew up to the door, and on its being announced that Master Jerry had arrived, Hawthorn Hall was quite in an uproar with joy. The Old Man grasped the hand of his son with a feeling not to be described, and turned aside to check the falling drops which were fast rolling down his veteran cheeks : his mother embraced her darling boy with an ardour and joy that none but mothers know, and enriched the parental gift in bedewing his face with the tears of a virtuous woman. The heart of Jerry, always a melting one, was not a jot behind either of his parents in feeling, and he took out his handkerchief to conceal his emotion. The old domestics rallied round him with cheerful smiles ; in fact, from the highest to the lowest LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 61 person in the establishment, he manfully exi^rcssed his gratitude for their expressions of kindness towards him on his return to Ha^\thorn Hall ; and old Blucher and Flora were absolutely rivals, in hanging about him and caressing his knees. The short time previous to rest was occupied in the most pleasing manner by all parties ; and Jerry, after partaking of some slight refreshment, found himself once more in bed, under the roof of his ancestors, the venerable but happy dwelling — Hawthorn Hall. Being somewhat fatigued, our hero did not rise mth the lark, as he was wont to do before he had visited the metropolis ; and was therefore con- tent to lie in bed longer than heretofore, much against his inclination, when the " early horn " invited him to join in the Sports of the Field. His health, however, began to mend apace ; and so anxious was he to join his old cronies in the neighbourhood, that he could scarcely allow himself time to obtain strength to make up for his truant disposition amongst his brother sportsmen. It was soon buzzed throughout the village that Master Jerry had returned to Hawthorn Hall ; with the additional information, that he had been also leading such a rackety sort of Life in London, as to compel him to resort to the country for the improvement of his health. These reports coming to the ears of our hero, he did not like to bIww him- self out of doors for a few days ; he felt a sort of shame that his appearance was so much altered ; and, in order to escape the jeer8 likely to be levelled at him by his former com- panions, " in being only the skeleton of the former athletic Jerry," and such-like expressions, he preferred, for a short time, taking exercise in the gardens and fields contiguous to his father's demesne, rather than expose himself to the harm- less jokes of his friends. The delightful prospects by which Hawthorn Hall was surrounded, and the purity of the air, had the happiest eifect ; and the sound maxims of — 62 LIFE IN AND Ol'T OF LONDON. Early to bed and early to rise, Make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, were adopted by Jerry, who, like a seusible man, was anxious to become hifuse/f again, and once more be enabled to enjoy the pleasures of society : he also paid the most punctual attention to the advice of Dr. Please 'em : and, from the anxious care displayed, morning, noon, and night, by his mother, to improve the health of her darling boy, Jerry Hawthorn was, in a very short time, restored to a perfect state of convalescence. Such are the good results of training ! CHAPTER III. The effects of aU-poxce)'fuJ Love in ilie scale of happiuesa : " SNEAKING KINDNESS " to ifit ; Jerry reducccl to a dummy, and Nature triiimp/iant. The charms of Virtue : Miss Mary Rosebud, an outline rather than a portrait : the hand of Sir Thomas Lawrence required to do justice to the subject. Lots of visitors. Arrival of Sir John Blubber at Hawthorn Hall. The letter announcing the intentions of Corinthian Tom and Logic to pay Jerry a visit at the seat of his Father. Incidents on the road — the hotel in an uproar — Travel- lers see strange things. Unexpected visitor to Logic's bed in the night — no Ghost, bat a Somnambulist. The trio complete — Logic, Tom, and Jerry together. The cockney astray, or the Fecp-o'day Boy out of his element. A flying shoot — missing the bird and hitting a barn — a new reading for the Oxonian. The comfortable fire- side. Every one anxious to promote the pleasure of his companion, something after the manner of All reality, No formality, There you'd ever see : Old Jollyboy, the Curate — a character. Crossing the hand with silver — an old story, a gipsy affair. The Long Visitor not exactly a new acquaintance. Jerry fit for another start — not quite : his return to London postponed for a short period. Departure o/Tom, Logic, Blubber, 8^c.,from Hawthorn Hall. Jerry, having resumed his rather prepossessing api^earance, ventured to take his walks and rides through the neighbour- hood, in the same familiar manner as he had done previous to his visit to the Metropolis ; also make calls upon his ac- 64 I.IFE IX AND OUT OF LOXDOX. quaintances, and, in return, receive the congratulations of his friends : amongst whom was no less a personage than the interesting Miss Mary Rosebud. Notwithstanding our hero had been generally admitted, amongst the circle of his acquaintances in the vicinity of Hawthorn Hall, to be a young man of spirit ; a fine companion and leader in the field, neck or nothing; a "jolly fellow" over the glass ; and, for a bit of chit-chat and a game at romps with the merry girls in the neighbourhood, a com- plete gay and gallant hero to all of them — yet, in the presence of Miss Rosebud, he felt a certain kind of awe he could not account for ; and her mildness of disposition and good temper extorted from him the most profound respect and admiration, almost to silence. This he attributed to native bashf ulness — a want of dash ; and as Jerry had always felt a " sneaking kindness " for Miss Rosebud, he was angry with himself that his tongue forsook its office, whenever he had made up his mind to disclose to her the object of his tender passion. But now the case was altered ; his rustic modesty was worn off a little, or rather polished up by the acquirement of a little toicn bronze : a most essential acquirement in the art of " small talk," but inaptly termed making love ! Jerry had so often hung upon the arm of his friend Tom, backed by his 2)al, Bob, who was up and dressed upon all suits during his \dsit in the Metropolis, when promenading up and down the rooms of the great folks, amongst the ladies — that he was determined to shake off this timidity — this clownish failing — and assume the easy nonchalance deportment of a man of good breeding and fashion, and " carry on the war " with gaiety, fortitude, and discretion. He flattered himself that he now possessed real courage, and not the mere assumption of valour; and, there- fore, " armed at all points," as he thought, he confidently undertook the first visit to Rosebud Cottage. Every step he took towards the retired dwelling of his heroine he calculated he should be enabled to show himself not only an altered but an improved man. The knocker's rattling peal had scarcely been attended to by the servant, and his name m LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. GO announced, when lie felt a trifling palpitation of the heart, not unlike Acres in the play of The JRirals, and a little of his assumed courage was on the point of taking its depar- ture ; but, when Jerry was ushered into the presence of Miss Rosebud, his pretended vaJour was all gone in an instant. He had left her in a most languid state from indisj^osition, but her return of health and improvement of person had been so great during his absence, that the charms of Miss Rosebud burst upon him like the sun in its meridian splendour. She was indeed a RosE-bud, and one of the most beautiful flowers in Nature's garland. It is true, the ladies of her acquaintance had disputed about the symmetry of her figure, yet the whole of them admitted her face was handsome, nay more, several declared it was beautiful ; * in fact, the w^riter pleads his inability to do justice to its attrac- tions, however animated and highly-coloured his description might be, or to convey to the reader even an outline of her delightfully interesting appearance. Such an attempt must be left to the accomplished and inimitable pencil of Sir Thomas Lawrence. Her accomplishments formed the least part of her character ; her manners were mildness itself ; and her general demeanour, to every person ad- mitted to her presence, amiable and conciliating to a degree. Miss Rosebud had lived the principal part of her life in retirement ; her family, although rich and respectable, were * The Corinthian, on being introduced to Miss Eosebud, gave it as his most decided oisinion, strengthened by the experience of Logic in matters of genius and art, that her face must prove highly attractive to the above celebrated painter, who has been so busily employed during his life in furnishing the heau monde with copies of the creation. " This great master of the art," said Ton, with peculiar emphasis, "whose superlative taste is united with a knowledge of mankind ; and whose delightful touches can make every lady's face heautiful, and yet preserve a most correct likeness ; will have, in paint- ing a portrait of Miss EosEBUD, nothing more to do than produce a true copy : so bountiful have been the gifts of nature to her person." " She will then be worth Five Hundred Pounds to j^ou,'" said Logic, with a smile, to the Young One. "Yes," replied Jerry, "One Thonsand Pounds, for anything like a copy of mi/ Mary Eosebud would be a trifle indeed." (J6 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. , p 4:^1 v«- and their acquaiutance witli Zt p rtTcukrly attacLd to the pleasures o a country U£e ; most comfortable place in tlie world. He was a great lover of horses, birds, '^og^- f ;' ™^ passionately fond of the Chase: and oft™- J^™ T^, ing of his daughter, he facetionsly termed he.-his pst^ Mo«rih." Indeed, so much was she his pet (hke lond fe h« n general, who think they pereeiye greater talents rthSr Li offspring than in the children o otW v^^r.^ that IUm's opinion to him was sounder law than tne It profound 'judgment ever ottered by the Lord Ch- cellor Mr RosEBtlD was determined the woild should no have to think ill of him if anything unfortuna ely sho^d C^u to his daughter, that he had not taken the greate S her morals": she was accordingly educated under h« roof and no expense was spared to render her education m .e!V respect ciresponding with that of a g-tWoniai, ^_ do not want my daughter," said he, o all ^l^^T^. excel any of the player-folks as to "* f"^-;^^,^,^ ""- neither do I wish M.«v to ^^-'f-''J'^::jl fessional concert ^^f ^i « XTatrn.rhoy ' in accounts, arithmetic, and to beat the caicuuuu„ u y She must not be spoiled by flattery and 1-S«^ Jl- J";^ ambition. Nevertheless, I should like my M.ua to be clever; but, in all her intercourse with society, to possess the retired dchcacy consistent with the -7"-^°/.;^^^; bred female. You take care to ""P'"™,,''''; ,7' , " vt • the above requisites ; and I will take care that |1- f^!'"^^ , slnll not ' whisper soft nonsense into her car ; JNo . i>o . I w^l keep a gi,d look-out for M.u.v.-not by tyranny not ty locks 'and bolts, not by breaking her temper, n t by t„,.,'. vorrls and unldnd looks .such as .night .ause lu. LTFE IN AND OUT OF T.OXDOX. 67 dislike lier father, and prove disobedient to my will. No ! I will endeavour to explain tlie conduct of the world so cleai'ly to her feelings ; point out to her my fearful anxiety for her future welfare, after the manner of a true mirror which reflects her own image, that she may perceive the real and sincere friend in the most anxious, yet doating parent. Expecting one thing connected with the happi- ness of !Mary, I am decided — I shall expect to have ' her heart ' in my keei)ing, until the time arrives for its disposal ; when that ' rich gift ' shall be my donation to the man I shall then select, or approve of, to be her husband." Jerry had become intimately acquainted with Mr Rose- bud, in consequence of their frequently hunting together during the season ; and the sportsman-like conduct of the former rendered him quite a favourite with the father of Mary, from his taking the most desperate leaps, clearing a five-banned gate " like nothing," and bringing down his bird to a certainty. As a companion to Old Rosebud, he was just the right sort of young man, full of life and spirit ; and their conversation generally directed to the same end, the Sports of the Field. But, in the company of his daughter, Jerry's general character of a lovemonger was not to be seen ; and, although no hypocrite, yet, with Mary, his conduct partook more of the silent admirer than the loqua- cious lover. It is true he had long wished to open his mind upon the subject to Miss Rosebud, previous to his departure for London ; more especially as it was the wish of his parents that he should " settle in life ; " and the families of the Rosebuds and Hawthorns being upon the greatest terms of intimac}', Mr and Mrs Hawthorn had often thrown out hints to Jerry respecting the con- tiguity of their estates, and the advantages and happiness which might be ensured if they were united by the strong ties of relationship. But, to the credit of Jerry, he did not want this sort of hint, so naturally proceeding from parents to their children — no ! riches were out of the question — to- wards Mary Rosebud he felt all the inspiration of the Poet : G8 LIFE IN AND OVT OF LONDON. " Were I crown'd the most imperial monarch, Thereof the most worthy ; were I the fairest youth That ever made eye swerve ; had fame and knowledge More than ever was man's, I would not prize them Withottt her- LOVE ; for her employ them all, Command them, and condemn them to her service, Or to their own perdition ! " It was the opinion of Jerry, when the time arrived for him to take a wife, " for better or for worse," that Miss E.0SEBLD was the girl that he shoukl prefer to every other woman that had crossed his path : he considered her as likely to prove a most interesting companion, and one of the most amiable of her sex. " But matrimony," observed Jerry, " is too serious a subject for me to be hurried into : " and he was therefore determined to have a more extensive intercourse with society before he became fixed for life, in order that his mind might be thoroughly satisfied that the choice which he had made was correct ; that no other female had given him the slightest cause to change his opinion respecting his true love for Miss Hosebud ; and that she, alone, possessed his heart : " For MARRIAGE is a matter of more worth Than to be dealt in bj- attorneysliip ! For, what is wedlock forced but a hell. An AGE of discord and continual strife ? Whereas the contrary bringeth forth bliss, And is a pattern of celestial peace." Miss Rosebud, at an early period, acquired the art of horsemanship completely, under the tuition of her father ; and she was extremely fond of riding, and said to be one of the best female riders, for her spirit and graceful scat, for many miles round the country. Mary often accom- panied Mr Rosebud, in his daily rides over Claverton Downs, in which Jerry, since his arrival from the Metro- polis, had made one of the party ; by which means he con- quered, in some degree, his bashfuhicss, or rather, acquired more fortitude in the presence of Miss Rosebud ; and, after considerable stiuitDicr'nKjs, lunucrous displays of aM'k- LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 60 ward attitudes, stupid hems, and ahs ! ujiou the " tender subject," he plucked uj) courage, and ultimately declared his intentions to his dear Mary ; and likewise offered himself to her fathar as a candidate for her hand and heart. " Why, my boy," replied Old Rosebud, "as to the matter of that, you know, Jerry, you are a bit of a rattler, a gay sort of chap, and rather a general lover amongst the girls, if the character I have heard about you be true. I am a plain-spoken man, and straight-forward in all my pursuits, therefore we will have nothing else but a fair start. You are well aware that I must not have any tricks or slight put on my daughter ; for she is, not only in my opinion, but, I have the jjleasure to state, throughout all her circle of acquaintance, pronounced to be, ' very far from an every- day sort of woman.' Then thus it is, Jerry ; — as a friend and companion, my boy, I could squeeze your hand almost to pieces, to convince you of my respect, and without hesitation I also assert, that I should court your company to the day of my death ; but, in becoming my son-in-law, pardon me, when I say the matter assumes a very different aspect indeed ; and I must pause before I give a direct answer to your request. Jerry Hawthorn, some few years hence, when you may become a father, and be placed in the same critical situation as myself, you will applaud the motives which now compel me to assume the stern judge on a subject so closely connected with the future happiness of my daughter. You are young, and time must be allowed for you to reflect upon the matter ; or, in other words, to deliberate before you resolve ! But, t3 the point : — I can only agree to put you on your trial ; and if I find, ultimately, a verdict is given in your favour, j^ou may rely on my friendship so far in your behalf that I shall not move for a new trial." "Agreed," cried Jerry, quite in raptures with the manly yet feeling and generous decision of Mr Rosebud, " and if I am found wanting either in gratitude towards you, my best of friends, or deficient in respect, kindness, and love towards Mary, why then discard me entirely from your 7'J LIFE IN AND OUT OF LOXUOX. notice." It is not to be denied but Mary had a penchant towards our hero ; indeed Jerry was a favourite generally with, the Fair Sex ; but her situation, as a modest female, foi'bade her from making known the object of her passion ; and propriety also taught her never to let the secret escape from her lips. Of course, then, she felt pleased with the declaration of Jerry in her favour, and with a frankness of disposition, that none, perhaps, but prudes would quarrel with, acknowledged that he was not totally indifferent to her, something after the manner of Juliet, in the garden- scene, to Romeo : — " If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully ! Or, if thou think'st I am too quichlij WON, V\\ frown and he, perverse, and say thee NAY, So thou wilt woo, but else not for the world." Mary, however, in the most ingenuous manner, hinted to our hero the necessity of firmly making up his mind upon a subject so seriously connected with their happiness, also pointing out for his consideration the great dangers met with in society, after the strongest vows had been ex- changed between the parties ; and that constancy was the only proof of a real undivided attachment. Jerry once more assured Miss Rosebud of his attachment towards her person and family, and likewise urged that no doubts ought to exist for a moment respecting the sincerity of his passion. Everything being now settled to the satisfaction of both " their houses," Miss Rosebud and Jerry Hawthorn were recognised by all their friends and acquaintances as — a pair of true lovers. The time of our hero, it might be said, Avas most plea- santly occupied by his repeated visits to Rosebud Cottage ; and, in general, he spent his evenings in the society of his dear Mary, whose songs and delightful touches on the piano- forte were capable of delaying the visitor at all times, and, to a lover, were sources of attraction not to be resisted. During one of these interesting moments, his servant came runniue: out of breath to announce that an " uncunimonlv LIFE IX AND our OF LONDON'. 71 bio" ffcntleman " had arrived at Hawthorn IIali., who was anxious to see Master Jerry. " It is Sir John," observed Jerry, A\'itb a smile, on the man presenting bis card to bira : on one side appered, " Sir John Blubber, Knt.," and on the otber, written tvitb a black lead pencil — " Ml/ son ! Jack's arrired ! " Our hero begged pardon for bis abrupt dejDarturc, on leaving the company, and returned to his father's house to entertain the fat Knight. The friendly reception the " uncommonly big gentleman " met with, from Mr and Mrs Hawthorn, without the formality of an introduction, was extremely pleasing to the feelings of Sir John, and also convinced him of the hospi- table disposition of the persons under whose roof he was about to sojourn for a short time ; but, when Jerry grasped his hand expressing the satisfaction he felt on Sir John keeping his word with him — the fat Knight in ecstasy roared- out, " Islj son I my son ! such liberal it y of conduct must prove highly gratifying to a relative ; but to a mere stranger, a passenger on the top of a stage-coach, kind — very kind — beyond description." Every attention was paid to the wants of Sir John, who soon made him- self as free and easy as if he had taken a chair in his o^ti dwelling : the evening passed merrily away in conversation respecting passing events, during which the Old Maid of Bath came in for a small notice ; and the talents of Bill Pnt- 'em-along, as a whip, were not forgotten by the fat Knight. The " gaily circling glass " gave a zest to the anecdotes told during the night, until the hour of repose had arrived, when Sir John and the rest of the party retired to bed. During the time the company were assembled at the breakfast-table the next morning, a letter was delivered to Jerry from London : " I perceive by the seal," said he, " it is from my much-valued friend, Bob Logic. I am sure it is full of fun. Sir John. Logic is just that sort of merry fellow you would be deKghted with ; his company is excel- lent ; he is never dull ; and, upon all occasions, whether it tells for or against him, his conduct exemplifies the character of a true philosopher : — 72 LIFE IN AND OVT OF LONDON. A MERRIER man. Within the limit of becoming mirth, I never spent an hour's talk withal. His eye begets occasion for his wit, For every object that the one doth catch, The other turns to a mirth-moving jest ; Which his fair tongue (conceit's exjiositor) Delivers in such apt and gracious words. That aged ears play truant at his tales, And younger hearings are quite ravished : So sweet and voluble is his discourse. " After sliglitly glancing my eye over the contents of my friend Bob's letter," said Jerry, "if you will permit me, Sir John, that is, if you feel any sort of interest in it, after the outline I have given you of Logic, I will read it to you." " By all means," replied the fat Knight, " it must be amus- ing : pray proceed." Our hero then read, with an audible voice, as follows : — LoYKjs Hotel, Bond Street. Dear Jerry, That you may be perfectly satisfied no great movements have taken place in London since your departure, I have to inform you, St Paul's Cathedral has not moved a single jot; Westminster Abbey keeps her old station ; and the Monument, on which Pope so satirically observes, — Where London's column, pointing to the skies, Like a tall bully, lifts the head and lies, remains precisely on the same spot as when you left it. But, to be serious : I met the Corinthian, the other day, in the Grand Lounge, amongst all the Tigers of note, the Lions, and other Oreut Creatures belonging to the Menageries of Fashion ; but ov.y principal chat was about your-se//; when Tom and 1 entered into an agreement to give Bath a turn for a few days, and also to visit you at Hawthorn Hall. The Corinthian is hang-tip to the standard of health ; he has been ruralising for some time past at Melton Mowbray, and hunt- ing with the crack si^ortsmen composing that brilliant assemblage of " good ones." As to myself, I am tol. lol. ; things with me are looking rather ?(j:>-ish ; but they have been down-'ish. a "tiny bit" too long. I have leit the Fleet, and given up my commission on that tack ; and once more, to all intents and purposes, become a landsman, I met with a bit of a windfall the other day ; and, though " not as deep as a well, or as wide as a barn-door," it will do for the present ; and I con- tent myself with the old adage, ' ' It's a bad wind that blows no one LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. 73 any good." I paid a visit, a few days since, to my Old Motheu,* merely to kill time, and to shake hands with the " (jood fellows." However, I have the pleasure to inform you, that I had the resolution to steer clear of the ''Fields of Temptation ;" and, although I do not like to turn my back upon " the Unfortunates," yet I deemed it prudent not to call at the " Castle of St. Thomas .'" I have made up my mind, in future, most carefully to avoid being found at Point Nonplus ; the dangers attendant upon Eiver Tick shall be kept in view ; and I trust I shall never again split on the rocks of " DuN Territory." There have been numerous inquiries after the " Young One," by the Muslin Compo.)iy\ since your departure from London ; and the " Care-for-Nohodies ";J: have been equally solicitous about your state of health. You have likewise missed some out-and-out events by your absence ; but j^ou must positively return to Babylon for a FINISH ! The " Middle Hemisphere,''^ I am quite aware, is too placid : and pos- sesses too much of the precise and routine for either you or me ; it does not suit our books, — the pounds, shillings, and pence account, to wit ; but the TWO other Worlds may be again visited with profit and amusement to the spectators. The HIGH, Loiv, Jack, and the GAMb] sort of folks I Those animated pages of society, in which every leaf is found to prove an interesting event ; and the great volume itself, a mirror of the most fascinating description. The toddles of Dusty Bob, and all " that ere sort of thing," have their imj^ortauce in the scale of human nature, when contrasted with the splendid Paradise of the Corinthians — regions created by taste, elegance, and art. I love to act upon the lesson I was taught in early life, at Oxford, from the words of Terence, and which I always wish you to bear in mind : — Homo sum humani nil a me alienum puto ! It had nearly escaped my memory to say that Kate, in the pro- menade at the Grand Lounge, looked like a Divinity ; her style and manners were so superior and attractive to the eyes of all the party, my dear Jerry, that they were calculated to vex a Duchess, put a Countess out of temper, and make a Eight Honourable Dame quite angry, that the bounteous gifts of Nature left birth and fashion at an immeasurable distance — as to the look of the thing. By all the Caps at my mother's, the eye of Sue put my sjiecs. to the rout ; there was something so roguish and dazzling about the corner of it, when she said, " I hope you have disposed of the 'Young One,' (as you call him) well I He is Tinder good care, no doubt. Soon be about again, * Logic always in his discourse, when the University of Oxford was med, called it " his Mother ! " f A cant phrase for — Ladies. , 1 Incorrigible Chaps; anything like regularity or discretion not to found in their catalogue of events. 74 LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. Mr. Logic, vront he ? Forests and trees are very reuovating to sports- men ; but the Dryades must be on their guard against so gallant a Silvaniis." " But you have not finished him, have you, Mi". L. ? He •was a most promising pupil," said Kate, with a satirical smile ; " shall •we have him amongst us once more ? It would be a libel on his learned tutors to let him remain nALF-««r?-HALF. Poor young man, I really jJi'ty his condition, as he has left you neither one thing nor the other I " The new turn-ovt of Tom's is of the first stare ! A King must ap- plaud his taste, a Prince like to have the fellow to it, and a Duke might sigh to be termed the inventor of such a dashing, splemlid equipage. The tits are all pictures, every one of them fully answering the char- acter of the chaimt — "He's an eye like a hawk, and a neck like a swan, He's a foot like a cat, and his back's a longish span ; Kind Nature formed him so, that he's honest as he's good ; He's everything a horse should be, — he's bottom, boxe, and BLOOD ! The ribands — in fact, the -whole of the caparison, is elegance itself; and the finish of the thing is a perfect treat to the lovers of coachman- ship, •when they witness Tom mount the box, and put the whole in motion. I am not much of a Shot, as yoii know, Jerry ; but, nevertheless, I shall often have a touch at the feathered tribe, during my rudication. Tiie best birds that I like to bag are the guldfiuches ! They are re- ceived as most valuable presents, by our friends in town and country. I shall bring down my " Jong one," which will enable me to add a few more clouds to your neighourhood ; although I should be ex- tremely sorry to spoil, in the slightest degree, the purity of your atmo- sphere : and have no pretensions to astronomy. I am also moi'e of a piper than a cigar hero: and a great aversion to nosing uTpon any subject. Tom and I sincerely hope we shall find you perfectly recovered, as we picture to ourselves a most plcasunt time of it during our stay at Hawthorn Hall. The precise day is not exactly fixed between us, but, b-'ingwell assured that you are always to be found at the scratch, •we .shall visit you the first convenient opportunity. Most likely we shall follow the Jiecls of this letter. I remain, my dear Jerry, Yours trul)', Jer7y Hawthorn, Esq. Bob Logic. P.S . — I am about putting the stifier on the fiame ; and I am heartily glad I have got those things out of my head, before the dustman had put me to rest upon the subject. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 75 On Jeury's coucludiiig the letter, it was the unanimous opinion of the breakfast party that Logic; was a most facetious fellow ; also a man of considerable talents ; u person who had mixed very much with the various classes of society in Loudon ; and who likewise had made man- kind one of his principal studies. " I shall think the time an age until he arrives," said the fat Knight ; " and I have an immense desire to be introduced to your cousin, the Corinthian, whose adventures in the Great World have made so loud a report." " Nothing, Sir John," replied Jerry, " I assure you, could give me greater pleasure, than to introduce one good fellow to another ; and I have little doubt we shall see them in the course of a day or two amongst us. They are always on the alert." The Corinthian, anxious to keep his promise with Jerry, and having made his arrangements for that purpose, set out, accompanied by Logic, and soon lost sight of Hyde Park Corner. Bustle and incident being the life and soul of our heroes in all their pursuits, the following occur- rence, during their journey, formed the subject which the annexed plate represents : — " Travellers see strange things ! " Logic without his sjyecs. ; the mistake of a night ; the hotel in an uproar ; Tom, sword in hand, backed by a petticoat ; false alarm ! but no ghost ! The Somnambulist awake ! UP ! ! but not DOWN. The Corinthian and Logic on the road to visit Jerry at Hawthorn Hall, arrived rather late at Bath, and sojourned for the night at one of the hotels in the above fashionable place. Bob, previous to his entering the dab, had committed his thoughts to paper respecting some of his alfairs in town, and, according to his usual custom, when an opportunity offered, perused a page or two of his favourite author ; but according to his own description of the affair, " finding the dustman getting the best of him, he hastily pulled off his toggery, doused the glim, measured his length on the feathers, wished all his friends well, and, as a wind-up to the day, with the utmost sincerity of heart, although short (in his opinion), but to the purpose, 'hoped that God would be merciful to him 76 LIFE IN AKD OUT OF LONDON. as a sinner.' He soon afterwards closed his peeper a, and became of no t(se to anybody." In bis baste to get into bed, the nigbt bolt bad escaped bis memory, and^ in conse- quence of tbis neglect, bis bedroom door remained insecure ! But just at The very witcliing time of night, When chui-chyards yawn, Logic started from bis sleep witb aifrigbt, on bebolding bis door open, and in stalked a figure in wbite, tall and tbin as a May-pole, witb a glimmering ligbt in bis band. It is true, tbe ap)})arition did not come like ghosts in general, witb three loud and distinct knocks ! accompanied witb a boUow voice, sajdng, " List ! list ! Oh list ! " but nevertbeless bis sj)ectre-like appearance extorted from poor Bob— Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! Be thou a spirit ! speak ! I charge thee, speak ! But Bob migbt as well bave sung psalms to a dead borse. Tbe loHfj spectre beeded not tbe ajDpeals of Logic, but wdtb tbe utmost composure sat bimself down in tbe cbair ; and not only knocked down Bob's favourite autbor, but actually set fire to bim ! Logic, in bis agitation, more especially being witbout bis specs., could not exactly make out bis unw^elcome visitor, tberefore rang tbe bell violently, and sung out loudly for belp. Tbis noise immediately created a bustle and confusion in all parts of tbe botel. Tom, on bearing tbe cries of Logic, jumped out of bed, scrambled on bis morning gown, seized bold of bis sword, and flew to tbe assistance of bis friend. Tbe old landlady, merely to make berself decent, put on ber under petticoat, and tbrew a sbawl over ber sboulders ; and tbe master of tbe botel, in bis frigbt, instantly repaired to tbe spot witb a poker in bis band. — " Wbat's tbe matter?'' asked Tom. " I really don't know," replied Logic ; " but first give me my specs., and tben I'll tell you more about tbe matter. I tbink it is d d unfair, to take ad^•a^tage of anv man 1,1 FE IN AXI) OUT OF LONDON . • / t without his eyes ! Secure that hug Ghost ! " But, puttino^ on his glasses, and finding out his mistake, in a peremptory tone, he said, " I insist upon your laying hold of that thief." " You must be mistaken, Bob ; he's no thief ! " answered Tom. " No, that he an't, I'll answer for it," cried the old landlady ; " he's what our servants call the tall thin gentle- man, who sleeps in No. 27, in the gallery. He is one of the most harmless creatures alive ; but I must be off — the poor thin gentleman has got )wthing on him." " What has he robbed you of. Bob?" said Tom. "Why," answered Logic, rather more composed, and with a smile upon his countenance, ** I have lost — what is to me of the greatest importance — mij rest ! " " Psha ! " replied Tom, " You always will have your joke ; and at other people's expense. The gentleman appears to be asleejD. I will endeavour to awake him, and point out the mistake and confusion he has created throughout the hotel." "I would be obliged to you, Tom, if it is in your power," said Logic, " to make him fly I Get him up, at all events ; or send him down, if possible. It will be all the same to me, so that the Som- nambulist, for such I suppose he must be, does but make his exit J' The most gentle means were resorted to by the Corinthian, to render the Somnambuijst sensible of his unpleasant situation, and some difficulty occurred in the attempt ; but, at length, opening his eyes, he stared about in the ^dldest manner, and, upon recollecting himself, he seemed to feel surprised and disgusted with his nuditi/- like appearance. The Si,eep-walker apologised to Tom and Logic in the best manner he was able. " Gentlemen," said he, "I really am at a loss what to offer to you upon this unpleasant affair ; but, when I am better dressed for the jmrt, which I hope will be to-morrow morning, I flatter myself I shall meet with a liberal and gentle- manly audience, before whom it is my intention to make a suitable apology." The Somnambulist then made his bow, and with rapid strides regained his apartment in the gallery. Adieu, thou dreary pile ! cried Logic, when Tom and he laughed heartily at this 78 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. adventure, and both regretted that Jerry was not of the party. ''Once more, r/ood 7n'g//f / " said the Corinthian; " but, in case the Long Visitor shoukl again walk forth, be in readiness for him, Bob — go to sleep in your specs. ! " Tom retired to his room ; and Logic was soon afterwards lost in the arms of Somnus. Early the next morning, after the above curious adven- ture, Logic received the following laconic yet singular note bv one of the waiters at the Hotel, during his breakfast : Sir, I am now wide awahe ! therefore, I flatter myself, you will have the kindness to permit me, in fropria persona, to apologise to j-ou for being asleep last night ; in order that I may be at rest in future on so very unpleasant a subject. I remain, Sir, Yours, &c., with my eyes open, Phil. Splinter. To the GthtJimen who were ROBBED of their repose. ^___^^_Thk is_an_ori£inal,'' said Bob, ** I'll bet one hundred ! " as he handed over the note to Corinthian Tom. " Let us have a look at him ! I should like to take a synopsis of his koikness by daylight." " With all my heart," answered Tom. " Waiter, inform Mr Splinter we shall be happy to see him ! " This request was instantly obeyed, by the appearance of Mr Splinter before our heroes : his strides were immense ; he bowed his head as he entered the door of the apartment, like geese entering a barn ; and the tout ensemble, accord- ing to Logic, was more like the monument dressed in a fashionable suit of clothes, or after the manner of a tall figure decked out for a pantomime, than a person belonging to the human race. On his being seated his frame was so erect that he appeared like a man on horseback ; and the assumed (jravity of Tom was with great difficulty upheld, and Bob was in danger of being choked hy his attempt to fcu] press loud laughter. "Gentlemen," said Mr Sri, inter, LIFE IN AND OUT OF I.ONUOX. 71) ♦' I am very sorry you were disturbed by my lony visit last night; but I hojae no ill consequences have arisen from such a ludicrous mistake. Such a comjjlaint has lonfj been a source of affliction to me ; but I cannot always be awake ; and, unfortunately, our family have long been subject to somnolenci/. Isly ancestors originally belonged to Deal; and were person.«>, I assure you, who stood very Jtigh in the world. A long speech would be unnecessary to gentlemen travellers like yourselves ; indeed, I am afraid I have occu- pied your time too long already on a subject of so droa-xij a nature. I shall Jong feel the kindness you have displayed to me on this occasion ; and I trust that our next meetins: will be far from a sleepij one ; and also that our acquaint- ance may have a long duration." " It is impossible to be shorf," replied Logic, with a smile, " you are such a //igh fellow I " Mr Splinter then pressed our heroes to honour him with their compan}^ to dine, and spend the remainder of the day with him at the Hotel ; but Tom and Logic excused themselves on account of their anxiety to arrive at Hawthorn Hall. Mr Splinter again solicited Logic to name some other period, either in town or country ; when Tom, sans cerenioiue, answered, " Give us a friendly call at my Cousin Jerry's, where you may be assured of meeting with a most hearty welcome ; and do not let it be long before we experience that pleasure." With this assur- ance the Soninambnlisf retired. "We must indeed," said Lr)Gic, " consider him as the longest of our acquaintance : and he seems so very much attached to the word lo)ig, that it would almost infer he was an admirer of his long figure than oiherwise. It was scarcely anything but long, long, and long to the end of his apology." The post-chaise was at the door, and our heroes without delay pursued their journey. The an-ival of Corinthian Tom and Logic at Haw- thorn Hall produced, throughout the whole of the family and their visitors, every demonstration of joy except an illumination. The trio was once more complete ; and Sir John Dlchbei?, bv the introduction of Jerky, admitted to 80 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. be one of their pah, to participate in all their adventures in the country. Hawthorn Hai,l, by the accumulation of visitors, was one continued scene of gaiety, hospitality, and friendship. Rustic sports in the morning ; jolly dinners during the day ; musical parties and balls in the evening, were given to prove that our heroes were not deficient in gaUantry to the neighbouring fair ones ! A variety of comic scenes were the results of these parties ; and one of them, not the least fraught with incident, is depicted in the oppo- site plate : — Going off in a hurry', but not making a noke in the world. Logic's slippery state of affairs. A random hit : " milling the glaze " and the upper works of Old Thatchpate not insured? Jerry too late to prevent his friend Bob "■ being in for it," and the fat Knight enjoying the scene, and laughing like fun at Logic's disaster ! Logic, it should seem, did not like to lead an idle life during his stay at Hawthorn Hall, and therefore was determined to accompany the " Young One " in his sporting pursuits : and he agreed to go out very early in the morning, accom- panied by the " uncommonly big gentleman," to enjoy the rustic pleasures of what is termed a Hying shoot ? By peep- o'-day the above parties were in the field, on the look-out for game ; a favourable opportunity offering to Logic, he prepared himself to commit great slaughter amongst the feathered tribe ; but, unfortunately for the Oxonian, the ice on which he stood gave way — in an instant, Bob was sur- rounded by numerous events, and none of them winning ones : Logic was up to his knees in the water ; his hat was absent without leave ; his gun went off by accident, and Old Thatciipate's casement was shattered to pieces. Just at this juncture, Jerry, hearing the report of a gun, came up to Bob to inquire, what luek ? " Lots of luck of some sort ! " replied Logic ; " I am down, and the birds are fly ! but it's a flying shoof, and that accounts for it. However, it was a slippery trick they played off against me : I am in for it, and so is Old Clodpole ! " " Hallo, Logic; ! " said the fat Knight, laughing, and waving his hat, " I am out of it ! What a capital marksman not to miss a cottage! Who is your gun-nuiker, Mr Locnc? You are LIFE IN -VXD OUT OF LONDON. 81 a (hep one, an't you, Bob ? " " I am only KNEE-deep in this affair ; and that is too deej) for me, Sir Jack. My ambition as to shooting is cooled a little, I must own," replied Bob. " Fine times, indeed, when folks can't rest in their beds ! " said Old Thatchpate, growling with revenge, clenching his fist, and putting his head out of the casement ; " a parcel of stray Cockneys breaking people's windows before they are up, frightening all my children, and startling the poultry. I should like to know who granted a license to such a queer-looking man like that, who can't see an inch before his nose, to sJwot in spectacles ! But I'll know more about it. I'll not lose sight of him. I am sure he is no qualified man. I don't think he ever had a gun in his hand before to-day ; I will have him before the magistrates without delay ; indeed, it would be a sin to let such awkward and dangerous fellows escape. They ought not to be trusted with guns, putting everybody's life in peril." " Go down immediately, feyther," screamed out Dame Thatchpate, " and seize hold of that comical-looking Lunnun chap, and make him pay for the damage he has done ; besides fright- ening all my little squeakers and hens to death," Old Thatchpate took the hint from his rib, who did not appear, by her voice, to be one of the mildest charac- ters belonging to the fair sex ; and, as soon as Logic had extricated himself from the pond, shivering with cold, and ere the loud laughter of Sir John and Jerry had subsided, the Cottager, in a great rage, was at the heels of the Ox- onian, and demanded some recompense for the damage his windows had sustained by the random shots of Logic. "Come, Master Cottager," said the fat Knight, "you must not be too hard on my friend, the Cockney ; — he was only taking an ice. Be temperate ; Mr. Logic is a Kberal gentle- man, and will not let a poor man like you suffer on his accoimt ; he will make you amends for your broken win- dows." " Yes," replied the Oxonian, " I think. Sir John, I can hit Master Cottager with some shot I have got in my bag ; bring him down too ; and also make him laugh the other side of his mouth : that is the recompense I mean to 82 LIFE IN AND OIT OF LONDON. give him." " You had better not try it, Mr Linumner," answered Old Thatchpate, quite angrily ; " although I am getting rather old, I can h'cic twenty such queer made-up chaps as you are." " You may be mistaken," said Logic, smiling; " therefore take care of yourself; as soon as I can get hold of my shot, I'll mark you ; " and, feeling in his pocket, pulled out a sovereign, and hastily putting it into Old Thatchpate's hand, observed, "Don't you love the King's jikture !^^ "Yes, that I do," replied Thatchpate. " Then keep it for his sake." " That is the right sort of 8lwi for London sportsmen," said Sir John, " for bringing the game to Leadenhall Market. I never Icnew golden shot to miss the most difficult birds that fly ; it mud bring them down." " I am sorry," said Logic to the Cottager, " I have been the cause oifnghtening your wife so much ; but it was an accident, or else it would not have occurred." " It being an accident, you know, Sir," with a sort of knowing grin upon his face, answered Thatchpate, quite pleased with the sovereign, " completely alters the case ! Never mind my Dame, she is a fidgety sort of a body, but yet no harm in her ; and had I have known you had been a friend of young Squire Hawthopn's, I would not have said one word about the matter. But you had better come into the cottage, it is a pity you should take cold. I daresay, Sir, you are not used to this sort of sport. Here, Dame, why doesn't come down, and give some assistance to a gentleman who has fallen into the water, and chilled almost to an ague ? Come, make haste, and let us have a large fire for the gentleman to dry his clothes." [Showing her the sovereign.) " That's what I will, feyther," answered Dame Thatchpate, "I am really sorry for the circumstance ; but we will soon make him com- fortable." Logic, who did not profess to be an out-and-out sports- man, like Jerry, preferred the o2)portunity of drj^ing him- self by a good fire, to walking about after more birds, in his wet clothes : and therefore most cheerfully accepted the offer of the Cottager and his wife, whose attentions now to the Oxonian were almost too kind, — such a change had been LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 83 effected in their opinions respecting the queer made-up chap by the receipt of the sovereign. Sir John and Jerry pur- sued their sporting career, and left Logic snugly seated in the cottage. The Oxonian, always contented under any circumstances, and determined to make himself happy and comfortable, if happiness was in his reach, according to the idea of the Poet :— Fix'd to no spot is happiness sincere ; 'Tis nowhere to be found, or ev'rywhere ; Condition, circumstance is not the thing — Bliss is the same in subject or in king, Order is heaven's first law ; and this confest, Some are, and must be greater than the rest ; More rich, more wise — but who infers from hence That such are happier, shocks all common sense ! partook of the homely breakfast which the Cottager and his wife laid before him, with as much pleasure and satisfaction as if he had been seated at the most splendid coffee-house in the Metropolis — served up with silver plate, and a stylish waiter to attend his nod. Logic soon made himself familiar, and quite at home with the cottagers, and entered into dis- course with them sans ceremonie. ^' You know Squire Hawthorn, of Hawthorn Hall, I suppose, very well ? " " yes. Sir ! Gfod bless him ! " said Dame Thatchpate, " he is one of the kindest, best-hearted men in this neighbour- hood ; and the family is a very ancient one, and very much respected for miles round this part of the country. The Hawthorns have always been considered topping-folks ; charitable and humane, and ever ready to relieve the wants of their fellow-creatures. Me and mine have received many kindnesses from them." " I am glad to find you are grateful for past favours," replied Logic. " Yes, Sir, what Dame says be very true. The Squire is a mortal good man, and makes allowances, and such things like, for us poor people ; and young Squire be far from a bad one, although they say he is rather loildish ; but, between you and me, Sir, he will mend upon that complaint as he grows older. Young Squire G 2 84 LIFE IN AND OVT OF LONDON. is a great favoiirite among the topping farmers' daughters in these parts ; indeed, I do not wonder at it," said Thatchpate, " as he is a very fine-looking young man ; and, for a sports- man, I never saw anything like him ; he is the boldest rider in all Sir Harry Blood's hunt — he leaps over hedges and ditches, and the highest gates, with as much ease and com- posure as I can make hay ; and, for a shot. Lord bless you. Sir, he sets all our young gentry at defiance : a better marks- man I never saw in the course of my life ; and if I had seen you in company with him this morning, I should not have said what I did — it is all a mistake, and I now ask your pardon. It is impossible to tell everybody by their looks, you know. Sir ; and I took you for one of those strangers, who do not care what damage they do to other person's property, so they can but enjoy their sport." " I must confess," replied Logic, "my looks are not much in my favour." "N^o, no, I do not mean that, neither," answered Old Thatchpate, rather confused, " but I hope you will forgive me, as I am but an ignorant man, and not used to sit down in company with such a gentleman." The frame of Logic was now rendered quite comfortable ; his clothes were dry, and he prepared himself to take leave of the Cottagers ; but previous to which, he pulled out his purse, and selected a half-sovereign, as a present to Dame Thatchpate, for her readiness in making up a good fire, also waiting upon him, and, with the utmost cheerfulness, bringing forth every article of refresh- ment which the cottage afforded, for his breakfast. Her eyes sparkled with delight, on receiving the piece of gold. " Keep it," said Logic, with a smile, " in remembrance of the little queer made-up chap from Lunnun, who frightened all your squeakers ! " "I am really ashamed, Sir, that such words should have passed," answered Dame Thatchpate, " but I hope you will forget and forgive." " If you wish for any more sport this morniug, Sir," observed the Cottager, " I can tell you of a place where you will be likely to find some birds." " I thank you," replied Logic, " but I do not wish for any more slippery tricks to-day ; and, therefore, the feathered tribe may all go to roost for me ; I will not disturb them." The Cottager, with the utmost readiness, acted as a I.IFK IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 85 guide to the Oxonian through the fields and bye-lanes, until be obtained the direct road to Hau-thorn Hall, the sight of which gave Logic great pleasure. Upon meeting with the father of Jerry, as he entered the house, he related the disasters of the *^ jiying shoot ! " with so much merriment and grimace, as to set the old gentleman and his servants in a complete roar of laughter. In the course of a few hours afterwards Sir John and Jerry appeared in sight, with lots of game, and congratulated the Oxonian on his safe arrival at HaiotJiora Hall, yet re- gretted his absence, as they had met with such excellent sport. "I thank you both," replied Logic, "but it is all right with me ; it might have been worse ; and now I am once more under the hospitable roof of youx father, and surrounded by the right sort of friends, to shew you that I am not deficient in gratitude for my deliverance from the ' vasty deep,' I am determined dalness shall not find a corner amongst us this evening." The effects of this determination are shown in the annexed plate, which delineates Jerry at home ; the enjoyments of a comfortable fireside ; Logic all happiness ; Corinthian Tom at his ease ; the "Old Folks " in their glory ; and the " uncommonly big Gentleman," * told out,' taking /o/-/y winks. Corinthian Tom always held it as sound doctrine, that change of scene and variety were the greatest charms of life, and tended to produce content, promote health, and go a long way towards realising longevity. The gay, the united Trio may be here witnessed once more in tune, with the fundamental harmony, according to Logic, added to it, of " the uncommonly big Gentleman " to take part in a quartette as the base. It must be admitted that the scene altogether appears a happy one ; the company all actively engaged upon various topics. Bob, as usual, in order to make the company merry, is reading a laughable police account from a London newspaper to Jerry's mamma, who is so much tickled by the drollery of the circumstance, as to give way to loud laughter ; and Tim Bumkin, the waiting- man, is likewise so much convulsed with the subject, as to spill the wine over the garments of the Oxonian, apologising 86 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. at the same time for his lack of attention to the company, in consequence of the irresistible comic humour displayed by Mr Logic. The father of Jerry, seated in the corner, en- joying his pipe is challenging Old Jollyboy, the Curate of the parish, and schoolmaster to his son in his boyish days, to fill another horn of his " prime October." The Curate was one of the most regular men alive ; and a great stickler for everything in its place. "A sermon," he said, "was good ; all men ought to be good ; eating and drinking ought to be good ; and hunting was good, i.e. good exercise ; and to take care of one's self was, most certainly, good." Old Jolly- boy's answer, at the conclusion of every question put to him, was — " good ! " For instance, " You had better take a glass of old Jamaica, Mr Jollyboy, to fortify your inside against cold on your road home," said Logic. — " Good ! " was the reply. " Come, wet t'other eye," cried Bob, cutting one of his comical mugs, " all Jolly bogs do so ; Good people are very scarce, you know, and I like to be ortho- dox / " — "Excellently ^oort'," replied the Curate; "you are not only a good wag, Mr Logic, but possess a good under- standing upon all subjects ! " Miss Rosebud has hold of Jerry's arm, who is pointing out to her his friend Bob, stating, that he is one of the funniest fellows in the universe ! " Good ! " said Old Jollyboy. The daughter of the Curate (an interesting and well-informed girl), who is seated by the side of the Corinthian, is complimenting Tom on the excel- lence of his song ; but Miss Jollyboy rather satirically doubts the assertion of the sing-er : — Tliough Love's charms oft warm my breast, Yet roving Love but breaks the rest ; One kind heart is enough for me, Although my name's Variety ! " Good ! Good ! and GOOD ! to the end of the chapter," cried Old Joi lyboy, quite in raptures with the discrimina- tion of his daughter. The " uncommonly big Gentleman " is told out with fatigue ; and, in order to " come to time " when the supper is announced, he is taking, on the sly ],1KE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 87 "forty winks." The huntsman hanging up the horn; the little girl and her doll ; the child playing with the kitten ; the greyhound at the feet of Tom ; the domestic happy couple contiguous to the fireside ; the stag's head and horns ; guns ; the brushes of Reynard, &c., &c., making the above interesting group complete. All of them speak for themselves, and require no further illustration, only we may observe, that the talents of the artist appear extremely conspicuous, by his representation of " a comfortable fire- side." On the breaking up of the company. Old Rosebud ob- served to the Curate, " I had no idea it was so late; I have spent one of the most delightful evenings of my life : time has been on the wing, indeed ; and Mr Logic is a host within himseK, as to mirth and humour." " Good I " replied JoLLYBOY, " it is almost a pity such lively fellows should ever part ! " " Very good ! " said the Curate. " But I hojDO we shall have one or two more comfortable meetings before our guests leave us for London," urged Mr BL^wthorn. " Better than good ! " was the answer of the worthy Curate ; "and I am almost sorry to say, good-nighi." Upon our heroes conducting Miss Rosebud to her residence, the father of our heroine proposed to Jerry and his friends to join him in the hunt the next morning, which request was immediately acceded to, without the slightest dissen- sion. Jerry was ready to start at the first signal to follow his favourite pursuit ; and Tom equally on the alert to join in the " Tally -lio cry ; " but Logic wished to back out: he pleaded inexperience ; that he was a bad horseman ; and a great length of time had elapsed since he had joined the chase. "Besides," said he, " the 'flying shoot' was rather too much for me. Hunting, I am sure, "vvill be a more dangerous pursuit ; and I hope it will not prove out of the frj'ing-pan into the fire." " We cannot part with you," replied Jerry, " you have often looked after me in town ; and now I will return the favour in the country ; I will be near to you ; and no accident will happen, you may depend iipon it." Logic ultimately consented ; but leave of ab- 88 LlFi: IN AND OUT OF LONDON'. sence was granted to Sir John Blubber, on account of his great weight. The trio started, all in high spirits, to meet Mr Rosebud and the members of the hunt, but the hounds were soon at a stand-sUU, which the plate so characteristic- ally represents : — Jerry enticed by the pretty Gripsy girl to have his fortune told. Logic breaking cover. — The power of beauty has brought greater men to a standstill than the rustic Jerry Hawthorn. The Gipsies had made sad havoc amongst the poultry in the vicinity of Hawthorn Hall ; and our hero was determined, the first time he came across them, to put the whole tribe to the rout, more especi- ally as his father had always behaved very kindly to them. He had likewise lost a favourite dog, which increased his anger against the Gipsies. " Here they are," said Jerry, to ToM and Logic, " you go on, my friends, and I will «oon be after you." Jerry immediately jumped off his horse, almost choked with passion ; which the eldest female per- ceiving, and dreading his resentment, she gave a signal to two of the gang, who were returning from their depredations, to conceal themselves, and also sent forward her beautiful daughter to meet our hero, in order to avert his wrath ! I^ature had been more than bountiful to the young Gipsy : her eyes were sparklers indeed ; her teeth whiter than the finest ivory ; and her figure, although disguised in rags, was symmetry itself. Jerry was struck with her handsome person ; and when she mildly accosted him with — " Sir, you seem angry ; let me tell your fortune, and I will answer for it you will soon be in a good humour — Come, Sir, cross my hand with a bit of silver, and you will not rej)ent it ! " — the anger of Jerry was immediately banished — Tom for the instant forgotten, the funny Logic out of his thoughts, the hounds at a stand-still, and the beauty of the young Gipsy succeeded in extracting the " bit of silver " from his pocket like enchantment. " The lines in your hand. Sir, tell me you are a gi*eat rover — a lover of a pretty girl in a corner," said the Gipsy ; " you are going " At this instant. Logic thrust his head through the hedge, accompanied with "Hallo! my Young Ouc, what sport are you after now ? Hark forwards ! Sec, the rjanic is in view I " Jerry LIFE IN AM) Ol'l OF LONDON. 89 was not exactly pleased by the interruption of Logic ; but immediately mounted bis horse, to join the hounds. The day's sport proved excellent, and all parties were delighted with the result, except Logic, who thought himself very lucky, in leaping over a five-barred gate, that he had not broken his neck ; but, on their return to Hawthorn Hall, the Oxonian could scarcely refrain from laughter on enter- ing the door, when he beheld his " long acquaintance " in conversation with Sir John Blujjber. " The contrast is so very ludicrous," said Logic to Jerry, " that it reminds me of the Monument versus the dotne of St. Paul's; and you will shortly have to boast of the support of the highest and biggest friends in England. Sure such a pair was never seen — so completely original ! " It appeared that Mr Splinter, on his road to Bristol, had merely called in, with a " How do you do ? " according to his promise, after the mistakes of a night at Bath, upon Tom and Logic ; but he had been prevailed upon by the " uncommonly big gentleman " to wait the arrival of our heroes from hunting. " Permit me, Jerry," said the Oxonian (always inclined to be facetious), " to introduce to you the longest acquaintance I have in the world ; and I hope that you may long, very long, continue to visit each other in friendship." "You may depend upon it, Mr Hawthorn," was the reply of Splinter, "that it cannot be short upon my part." Mr Timothy Splinter, rather strange to remark, was not at all disposed to quarrel with the remarks of the Oxonian ; on the contrary, he had long been on good terms with his own figure, however, outre it might appear to society in general. Whether he looked upon himself as an Adonis could not be exactly ascertained, but he flattered himself his figure possessed one of the strongest recommendations, nay more, the most impor- tant feature with mankind — attraction. He could not move a step in society without being noticed : he obtained notoriety without the least expense ; and he possessed sense enough generally to join in the joke against his length of person. The most pressing entreaties could not prevail on the " long visitor " to pass two or three days at Hawthorn Hall : he observed, that the shortness of his time, added 90 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. to prior engagements, alone prevented him from complying with the request of his friends ; " but, previous to his de- parture, his invitations to Jerry, Logic, and Tom, were of the strongest description, to visit him on their return to the ^. Metropolis, at, " Splinter Cottage, in the Regent's Park." -4 " I exceedingly regret," replied Jerry, " that circumstances, over which I have no control, prevent me at the present moment from visiting the Metropolis, more especially that I cannot join the escort of such a host of friends ; but the time will come when your kind offer will not be forgotten." " We must also be off in a few days," said the Corinthian, " and, the first opportunity that occurs, you may depend upon a call from Bob, and your humble servant." " Yes, and I hope, Sir," observed the fat Knight, offering his hand with great good-nature, " if ever you condescend to visit the East end of the town, you will bear in mind, that my snug- gery is near * the Tower ' where I will ensure you a most hearty welcome at all times ? and if Mint sauce can procure the ' good things of this life,' we will have a nxre joUification when we all meet together at the snuggery ; and it shall go hard with me, if I do not furnish Jerry with some rich scenes in our neighbourhood — equal, if not superior, to any that he has hitherto witnessed connected with Life in Lon- don, in company with our elegant friend, the Corinthian, and the never-failing Bob Logic at fun, frolic, and good humour." The " long visitor " observed, " I trust it will not be a long time before that merry meeting will take place in London ; to me, I feel assured, it will prove a great treat." He now made his bow, and a few rapid strides soon removed him from the presence of our heroes. Jerry, supported in the request by his father and mo- ther, solicited Tom and Logic to extend their visit for a few days longer, but a letter of the most pressing nature from the Corinthian's solicitor compelled their departure without further delay, to the great regret of Old Jolhjhoy, Mr Rose- hud, and the whole of the inmates of Hawthorn Hall. The "uncommonly big gentleman," anxious to enjoy the amusing company of Tom and Logic on the road, also took LIFE rX AND OUT OF LONDON. 91 his leave of the " Youug One" for London. Logic, on bidding farewell to Jerry (popping his merry phiz out of the coach window), observed with an emphasis peculiarly comical, " Remember my last words : — "When again shall we three meet, Amongst the Swells in Eegent Street ? Come soon, my boy — come with glee, For lots of FUX — another Spree ! " CHAPTER IV. Hawthorn Hall rendered almost a nullity by the depar- ture of Tom a)id Logic, The big Subject. The ad- vantages of a make-tceight in a party — Sir John Blubber to wit. Jerry's soliloquy, occasioned by the absence of his friends. Honrs dedicated to love and hunting, by the "Young One." Original Song, dedi- cated to Mary Rosebud, written by Somebody. A change of scene — Jerry visits Bath, and accidentally meets with Lady Wanton — another baulk; a sort of teasing made easy. The desired event; a slice of luck, a sweetener to the greatest grief. Money makes the mare to go. No time to be lost. Jerry tmexpectedly starts for London, with the consent of all ^;ar^2'es. Mary's poetic Advice to Jerry respecting constancy. Logic's residence his first object in view — independence of mind displayed by the Oxonian. Jerry once more an inmate of Corinthian House. The Pupil and his Preceptors — difficult climax to arrive at — the right sort of Finish towards the completion of Education. The most experi- enced Persons at fault. Future operations under discussion — a peej) at the map of Babylon. Where shall tee go ? Anywhere ? See all you can. The sudden departure of such " choice spirits" as Corin- thian Tom and Logic, added to the " make weight " quali- ties of Sir John Blubber, might have occasioned a sort of dulness* in circles of a much higher description in society, * Sir John Blubber did not, in the slightest degree, put himself up for a wit ; and in truth he was perfectly aware that he hud no pretensions to such a character, in the scales of talent ; but, never- theless, the "Fat Knight" had no objection to the appellation of a jolly, sociable, good-natin-ed fellow in society. Exiuritnce had done LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. 93 distinguished for their brilliancy of wit and talents ; but the absence of our heroes, at the retired seat of a country gentle- man, must have created a perfect blank amongst the com- pany at HA^^■THORN Hall. Yet none felt the departure of his friends so much as Jerry ; for two or three days he was insufferably dull ; his generally high spirits seemed to have entirely forsaken him. With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come, And let my liver rather heat with wine, Than my heart cool with mortifying groans ; Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, Sit like his graudsire cut in alabaster ? Sleep when he wakes, and ci'eep into the jaundice By being peevish ? His horses and dogs, the fondness for which had been so conspicuously displayed heretofore, had lost their attrac- tions, and were completely neglected. " To my Coz Tom," said Jerry, mentally, " I feel highly indebted, for his kind- ness towards me ; and it is impossible that I can ever let it escape my memory how much I am under obligations to him for his exertions as a relative, to render me every assistance in his power, respecting the attainment of a perfect insight into the various classes of mankind ; but for my friend, my sincerest of friends. Bob Logic, the mere thoughts of his noble qualities operate like a cordial to my heart, a reviver to my drooping spirits, and a rallying point in the hour of difficidty. Such a character as our immortal Bard has so beautifully delineated in Hamlet's address to Horatio : — more for him than learning ; and ohservation, as a man of the world, had improved his taste and m anners in a considerable degree ; in consequence of which, a number of lively sentences escaped from his lips, which might not have been expected from the "uncommonly big gentleman." Sir John was, therefore, no dull appendage to the company of the TRIO ; he was anything but a vain man respecting his abilities, and possessed the good sense never to attempt anything more than he could perform. Logic facetiously termed tho " Fat Knight " the " Make-weight " to the party. 94 I.IFE IN AND OLT OF LONDON. Nay, do not think I flatter — For what advancement may I hope from thee, That no revenue hast, but thy good spirits To feed and clothe thee ? A man that fortune's buffets and rewards Has ta'en with equal thanks ; and blest a,re those Whose blood and judgment are so mingled, That they are not a pipe for Fortune's finger To sound what stop she please ! " The mind of Logic is disinterested upon all occasions, and lie is independent in principle to the very echo ; a philosopher at all times ; and his conduct is gentlemanly — for nothing narrow or sordid ever had a resting place in his composition. Grenerous without ostentation, although contending against the disadvantages of a broken fortune ; he is incessantly witty, and anxious, yet never tiring, to create fun and laughter, in order to make all those persons around him pleasant and happy, reminding me so emphatic- ally of Moore's delightful song, of ' Fbj not yet, 'tis just the hour,' that I am sorry, very soriy, that I could not accom- pany such superior fellows to London : for, in my humble opinion, Tom and Logic do honour to the human race. But Old Dad forbids the journey at present ; kind Mam says, in the most affectionate manner, 'I think, Jerry, you have had quite enough of that gay place : perhaps, rather too much of it, my dear boy ; therefore, endeavour to be con- tented with your own home.' And the speaking eyes of the dear interesting Miss Rosebud seem to say, I flatter myself, although her tongue delicately forbids to make the request, that my company cannot be dispensed with at Rose- bud Cottage." The merry company, now and then, of Old Jollyboy ; the days devoted to hunting, and other manly sports with his intended father-in-law ; and the happy, harmonious evenings passed in the company of his "dear Mary," very soon tended to render our hero once more a pleasant and agreeable companion to the whole of his friends and ac- quaintances in the vicinity of Hawthorn Hall. During one of the above evenings, dedicated to love, friendship, hap- I-IFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 95 piness, and all the other et cetrras attendant on the hours of courtship, Jerry informed JMiss Rosebud of the admiration his cousin the Corinthian had expressed to him of the choice he had made in selecting a lady like herself, so well calculated in every point of view to make the life of her partner completely happy. "But I do not like, dear Mary," said Jerry, " to appear before you in borrowed plumes, being too well aware of your ingenuousness of dis- position ; therefore, I positively refused to pass the following verses off upon the world as my own composition, although it was in the first instance intended by my Coz. that I should have the credit of being the author of them. Such bein the fact, permit me, at the solicitation of Corinthian Tom to present them to you for your acceptance ; and to inform you that he intends to have them set to music, on his return to the Metropolis, by one of the most celebrated composers of the day. THE TEST OF LOVE ; OE, THE TEUE LOVEE'S GUIDE TO HAPPINESS. 'Tis not from the eye, nor the beautiful cheek, That the mind of the maid you discover ; 'Tis not from the CHAIN, nor the bauble so fine. You can hope to fix the true lover : 'Tis not from the dress, so rich and so gay. That can make you attractive, dear creatures, Nor yet learning and wit, though both in full play. With, fine hair, and most lovely features. No, no, 'tis the heart. Which so much does impart. That fixes the real true lover. Those precepts I offer, let them be your guide, As you travel through life light and airy ; May virtue and truth be your boast and your pride. Then you'll have nothing to fear, dearest Mary. But be constant and kind — from thee I'll ne'er part. Nor with gross flattery strive to ensnare ye ; Believe me, my love, that I speak from my heart — No, I ne'er could prove false to thee, Maey. Yes, yes, 'tis the heart, Wbich. so much does impart, That fixes the real true lover. 9G LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. To fulfil a promise made by Jerry, on his return from London, to one of tlie oldest acquaintances of his father living at Bath, the opportunity now offered itself, and he accordingly proceeded thither, and took up his residence for a few days in the above elegant city. Bath had always been a decided favourite with our hero, and he visited the old Abbey Church with the most profound respect ; the Royal Crescent and Circus with increased pleasure ; and the Theatre, Pump-room, &c., &c., met from him the cordiality and reverence of an old friend. The season had commenced ; the company and arrivals daily were numerous, and the whole city had the appearance of gaiety and fashion. In promenading one morning up and down the Pump-room, which was exceedingly thronged with persons of fashion, the attention of our hero was attracted by one of the most lovely figures of a woman he had ever beheld ; but, on catching a hasty glimpse of her face, she appeared rather confused, and a blush overspread her features as their eyes met together. She was in company with an elderly gentle- man, and another elegantly dressed female. His recollection would not serve him as to her name, her place of abode, or the place he had seen her before ; yet he felt confident the lady in question was not altogether unknown to him. Jerry was quite at a loss how to frame his conduct upon the pre- sent occasion ; he was most anxious not to appear rude in the company of a lady ; yet he was very desirous of address- ing her before she quitted the Pump-room. Upon approach- ing rather nearer towards her person, and obtaining a better view of her face, it flashed across his memory in an instant, that it was Lady "Wanton, who had played such tricks with him at the masquerade at the Italian Opera House, and who had also distanced him at Almack's. He was now more anxious than ever to speak to her, if it was only in a whisper, that he might reproach her ladyship for not keeping her appointment with him. But it was totally impossible at that moment — the elderly gentleman was her husband, and the lady her sister. Our hero had also the mortification to see Lady Wanton quit the Pump-room, without being able to exchange one single word with her on the sub- LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 97 ject; but, nevertheless, he was well satisfied, when their eyes met together, that she had recognised his person. Jerry left the Pump-room quite out of temper with his disappointment. Lady Wanton was a most outrageous flirt; and "no- thing gave her greater pleasure," according to her own assertion, " than teasing the fellows into a belief that they had obtained a conquest ; also filling them up with the highest expectations ; making numerous appointments ; and then, by way of punishment for their presumption, laughing in her sleeve at their credulity and vanity, by disappointing the whole of them." Such conduct, however, did not entirely escape censure by her ladyshij)'s acquaint- ances. Jerry had given up all pursuit of Lady Wanton, and was on the eve of quitting Bath, when, in the Circus, he accidentally pounced, as it were, upon her ladyship, attended by her footman. Such an opportunity might never occur again, and he was determined to turn it to account, if pos- sible. Jerry, therefore, mustered up courage upon the occasion — made a most polite bow — and informed her lady- ship by what means he had the honour of becoming ac- quainted with her name and person : related the adventure at the masquerade; expounded her riddle — stated his for- bearance — and her promise to meet him. " Inexperienced yoxmg man," said Lady Wanton, " I will not be harsh to- wards you, although I really ought to be so ; indeed, I am quite astonished that you should attempt to make anything serious that occurs at a masquerade ; which is nothing else but a series of deception altogether, carried on by the aid of masks. I must confess," said she, with a most satirical, yet fascinating smile, " I have a faint recollection of the subject you allude to ; but you are not half a sportsman not to mark your bird down better. You ought not to have lost the scent." "But your ladyship " replied Jerry. "I can- not hear another word. I shall be keeping the party I am going to dine with waiting for me," answered Lady Wanton. H 98 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. " Only promise me," cried our hero, " to " " I am not at a MASQUERADE now," Said her ladyshij), j)utting on a frown ; " and if you do not instantly leave me, I shall be under the necessity of calling the servant to my assistance." Our hero, quite chagrined, made a bow, and retired ; while her lady- ship walked on with the most perfect ease and indifference, to spend the evening. To have met with such an unex- pected repulse from the lively, gay, careless Lady Wanton, he thought impossible : that a woman of the ton — a mas- querader — and a female fond of flattery — should so suddenly turn round upon him, assume the manners of a prude, and bid him to " begone ! " No electric shock, however violent, or sudden clap of thunder, could have operated more sensi- tively on the feelings of the inexperienced " Young One." His gallantry, which had been at fever heat previous to this cruel rebuff, was, by the imperative tone and frown of her ladyship, reduced in an instant below the freezing j)oint. To himself he felt conscious that his situation appeared co«^(?;w;j- tible — he stood motionless for a few seconds, quite at a loss whether he should advance or retreat ; but he could not rally his wounded spirits ; and, on recovering from his trance, he quitted Bath in disgust. He returned to Hawthorn Hall rather out of temper with the strange turn of his adventure ; but, nevertheless, if properly appreciated by Jerry, it might have afforded him a good lesson not to be too confident in future respecting the smiles and favours of the fair sex. " I would not for £100," said Jerry, " that Tom and Logic should have witnessed the treatment I experienced from Lady Wanton : it would have furnished them jokes for a twelvemonth to come." A day's hunting, a visit to Rosebud Cottage, and the interesting manners and conversation of his dear Mary, immediately restored his mind to a state of con- valescence ; and the flirt, Lady Wanton, was, by our hero, entirely forgotten. Month after month had rolled pleasantly over, and Jerry had become rather more satisfied with the pleasures of a country life than on his return to Hawthorn Hall ; but a circumstance occurred which gave a turn to his affairs — in LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 99 fact, was the means of forming another era in his life. A letter had arrived from his father's lawj'er, requesting his immediate attendance in London, couched after the usual sort of advertisement, "that he might hear of something very much to his advantage." An accession of property- removed all doubts and fears upon the subject by his parents ; and his journey to London was admitted by the whole of his friends to be expedient, except by Mary Rose- bud. The news was most unwelcome to our heroine : she saw dangers in the journey, which none of his partizans had the slightest perception of ; the danger to her peace of mind to be apprehended from new faces — the gaiety and splendour of the Metropolis — the elegance of the females — and, altogether, the unsteady principles of his London acquaintance. Upon Jerry's presenting himself at Rose- bud Cottage to his dear Mary, she was too sincere to dis- guise her feelings upon the de]3arture of her lover. " My dear girl," said our hero, " business of importance calls me to London — it will only be for a short time, when I shall return to you a much richer man; which to me gives pleasure, only under the idea that it will secure our prospects and happiness through life." Like a pair of true lovers, who have ■ a great deal to say to each other, yet nothing to impart, the evening was very dull ; but, previous to the "parting kiss," Mary sang the following plaintive air to our hero, intended as a gentle hint towards his future con- duct, during his stay in London : — Farewell ! my dear Jerry, since you will away, And leave your poor Mary to mourn, Nor let those fine lasses in London, so gay, Tempt you never again to return : Although they are lovely by nature and art. And their spirits as light as a fairy, You'll not find so true, nor so faithful a heart, As glows in the breast of your MLuiY, your Mary, your Mary, As glows in the breast of your Mary. Oh I think of the vows of afi'ection you've made. When you promised you'd ever be true ; Then let not your Eosebud by love be betray'd, Or blighted, and faded by you ! 100 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Farewell, my dear Jerry, while you are away. Your absence to me will be dreary ; Oh ! do not in scenes of pleasure so gay. Forget your affection to Mary, to Mary, to Mary, Forget your affection to Mary. To London, dear London, was now the word, and the first object in view, as the annexed plate so interestingly portrays: Logic's upper story — hut no premises ! Jerry's return to the Metropolis : the " Young One " on the qui vire after his old pal, Bob. 'Twas silence all around, and clear the coast, The watch, as usual, dozing on his post. Some property, left by a maiden aunt to our hero, which had been " /umbered" for a long time, had recently been unlocked in the Court of Chancery : and on hearing of this " slice of luck," he was off like a shot to pocket the " dragons ! " and as fast as four prime tits, changed every ten miles, could get him over the ground. In a few fleeting hours, Jerry once more found himself in the heart of the metropolis : — " Ah, here's the scene of frequent mirth I " he said, " With gay Bob Logic, and his Fancy spread ! " " I must give Bob the ' view hallo ! ' before I go to the dah, or he will think me unkind. "Well, here goes, then — but stop — his direction: \_2mlUng it out of his pockef] 'Bob Logic, Queer Street, Ragged Corner, near the good Ould One ! ' What^^a prime fellow ! Always an original ! Here, Post-boy ! communicate some information to the inhabitants of that house, that the prads are on the fret.'' The boy was not idle with his fingers, and, in a short time afterwards, an old lady, poking her head out of the window in a great fright, exclaimed, " Lord bless us, I hope it's not a fire ! " " No," said the boy to himself, " but you have got a precious Spark about your house ! " '* Don't be frightened," said Jerry, laughing, "my good old bit oi fustian. I only want to see one of your inmates — Bob Logic ! " " We have nothing of that sort in my dwelling," the old lady replied, '' so pray go about your business ! I have no doubt but you LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 101 are one of those imperent sort of fellows that go about dis- turbing people in their beds of a night." " You mistake me, my dear Madam," said Jerry, in a subdued tone ; "I want Mr Logic." "I don't know any such person," answered the female. " I have a funny sort of a gentleman lodges with me ; he has always an umbrella in his hand, and wears ^Tff;? spectacles." "That's the ticket! Fh^ Mother," said our hero. " I can't /7y, Sir ! " urged the old dame. " Well, then, put him aicake, and get Bob down! Make haste, and tell Mr Logic, that his friend Jerry is waiting in the street for him." The loud knocking at the door had scarcely spoiled the old Scout's nap, when the well-known sound of JERRY saluted his ears — " By all the Saints in the Calendar," exclaimed Teddy Roe, " we shall soon have Tom and Jerry going to GO again ! But, young Master — " I heard you was ill, and they told us you died." " 'Twas all a Jwax," said Jerry, " whoever told you — lied Bead ! that's a good one ! Bob, I'll lay a bet, We're worth a dozen dead Corinthians yet : — We did not die, nor never mean to die ! At all events we'll have another SHT I " The door was now opened ; the hands of Bob and Jerry shaken together in friendship ; and the " Young One " wel- comed heartily back to town. " Don't you see," said Bob, with a smile on his face, " that I am all right ; our house is propped by 'my uncle;' and whether by Silver or Golden Balls, I'll bet the New Receiver of Scrives against the Editor's Box of a Monkery Chaunt, it is two to one in my favour as to raising the Supplies. I am also under the care of an old guardian, a liberal sort of Chap, who, besides his personal regard for me, extends his vigilance for the benefit of the Parish ; a whisky shop in the view, as an antidote against the Blues ; and the Old Saint, the preserver of so many enlightened Souls from oblivion, as a climax. Come, Jerry, you must pilloic your peepers for the remainder of the darkey ; and, the first thing to-morrow morning, we'll give Tom a benefit, and settle our future plans of operation." "Agreed," replied the Young One, " a few winks will put 102 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. me all to rights." Jerry instantly dismissed the post-chaise ; turned in to Logic's iq)per story ; and, by the frankness and hospitality displayed by the Oxonian, he could not have been made more comfortable at the first inn in the Metro- polis. On meeting Logic at the breakfast table, Jerry was quite pleased -srith the neatness of the apartment ; and the attention paid to him by the Oxonian and the old hostess. " Jerry," said he, " you may perceive that I have been compelled to cut the Albany-; or the Albany would very soon have cut me up altogether ; but, by such cutting, I have been enabled to preserve my independence of character, which is dearer to me than life. However, my income, nevertheless, though not large, is comfortable ; and by reducing my establishment, nay, putting it on the shelf, I am not ashamed to meet my old friends as usual. In fact, I am deprived of little else but show. The outside appear- ance, it is true, is gone — and what in this metropolis chiefly attracts friendship, say, rather, respect : at which circum- stance I do not repine. I am happy in my mind ; my dis- position, I flatter myself, is a contented one. But, a truce to troubles. It may be years, months, only a few days, perhaps, which may once more set me afloat again in the world : at the death of a near relative, a very aged individual, I shall be a richer man, and, I also hope, a better one than ever. But I had almost forgotten to inform jom, that the generosity and feeling of Tom towards me, will never be obliterated from my memory. On quitting the Fleet, the Corinthian, in the most delicate manner, jet with a liberality of disposi- tion worthy of himself, offered me not only money, but apartments in his mansion, until I should be able to retrieve my affairs. I felt, at the time, more than I could express ; but refused his kind offer with a grateful heart. I preferred following my own plans, and I am happy, my Young One," giving Jerry a hearty shake of the hand, "to assert that I have succeeded in overcoming my difficulties, beyond my most sanguine expectations; therefore, you shall still find Bob has not 'dropped down upon his tnvV but is a gay, LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 103 happy, independent fellow, and as great a lover and pro- moter of life and fun as heretofore ; so let us be off without delay to Corinthian House, that the trio may be altogether again on the qui vive." Jerry was delighted at the warm reception he met with from his cousin Tom, at Corinthian House ; and the first leisure moments which offered themselves, he eagerly visited the Picture Gallery, the Sketch E-oom, Saloon, the Drawing-room, Library, Portfolio of Caricatures, the Con- versation-room, otherwise the Chaffing Crib; and he soon discovered that the whole of these splendid apartments had undergone considerable improvement during his absence from London. The " Young One " was once more under the roof of his splendid relative, ready for another start, with his two ex- perienced preceptors at his elbow. " The wisest ones are at fault," said the Corinthian, "respecting the finispi of education ; public schools have been rejected by several men of great learning and talent ; and ' private tuition at home ' has equally been condemned by our wisest senators ; even the instruction of the great Chesterfield, upon a subject of so much importance to youth, failed to produce the desired effect. Then, Bob, you and I cannot take upon ourselves the characters of arbitrators or judges." "We must leave the question, I believe, as we found it," replied the Oxonian, putting on a sort of serio-comic phiz; " I per- fectly coincide with the poet, ' that the proper study of man- kind is man ; ' the great book of life, against all the other books I ever perused, for me ; and to ' see all you can,' my motto upon every occasion. I must admit to be on the right side is truly difficult : but if you cling to the good ; shun the wicked ; and avoid the deceitful ; but, above all, do not flatter yourself that you are wiser than your neighbours — and endeavour to obtain the summuni honum, perhaps, my Young One, you will then not be a great way off the right path : — 104 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Some to the wars, to try their fortunes there ; Some to discover islands far away ; Some to the studious universities — For any, or for all these exercises. He cannot be a perfect man, Not being tried, and tutor'd in the world. Experience is industry achieved, And perfected by the swift course of time. Be that as it may," resumed Logic, " we will laj' our heads together, and look over the Map of Babylon, and select the places best suited to our purpose, Life in London. Numerous places will present themselves to Jerry, which have not claimed his previous attention." " Under the guidance of such capital friends," replied the Young One, " I cannot fail to learn something to my advantage ; there- fore, the sooner we are off for some new sport, the better I shall like it." CHAPTER V. Jerry and Logic visit the " Great Bore ; " serious danger of the excursion. Strong symj^toms of ivater on the Brain, and Logic's Spread of no use in the Floating Capital. The adventures of our heroes at Bartholomew Fair — the Ghost, flesh and blood ! Tom, Jerry, and Logic assisting at the ceremony of the " uncommonly big gentle- man " being made a Buffalo. " Now for the ' Great Bore,' " said Logic, smiling, to Jerry, "it is a most wonderful attempt, and I am confident you will be delighted with the Tunnel ; but I am sorry the Corinthian cannot be of the party ; however, Sir John Blubber will prove a good ' make-weight ' in the boat, should the wind prove troublesome. So let us be off." "Any place you recommend. Bob," answered Jerry, "I am sure, will not only prove interesting to me, but highly gratifying to my feelings." The " Young One" was delighted with his excursion down the river ; but he and his pals had nearly paid very dear for their temerity, as the annexed plate represents : — Too much of water hast thou, Ophelia ! were the first words Logic uttered on getting his ten toes on terra fir ma. " I say, my Young One, this great bore had very nearly proved a final bore to us on our voyage of dis- covery ; but a * miss is as good as a mile.' " " Yes," replied Jerry, " we might have paid dearly for our peeping, and curiosity has its dangers. It was all \ip with your Spread — the Ark of Noah would have been a much better compan- ion to have secured you from trouble." " Did you mind Sir John Blubber," observed the Oxonian, " roaring out for help ! who had previously boasted to me of his great abihties as a swimmer ; but he preferred the use of his heels to dis- 106 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. playing any of his tactics. Sir John had a lucky escape ; but I did not much api^rove of his attachment to my toggery ; his repeated tugging^ had nearly floored me ! It was similar to St. Paul's smashing the Monument : and the puffing and blowing of my fat friend, in any other situation, would have proved truly laughable ; to hear him sing out at every step, * Stop, my dear Bob ! if I once go doicn, it is sure to be all up with me ! ' ' Su-im,' was the reply I made, * and you are all right ! ' ' For heaven's sake do not joke, Bob ! ' urged Sir John Blubber ; ' I can only swim on shore ! I can't move a hand or a foot in the wafer ; indeed, I can't ; and if you possess any of the milk of human kindness about your heart, only lend me your arm ! or else I shall be lost ! I shall become food for the fishes ! dear ! take compassion, Mr Logic, and don't let your faithful friend experience a watery grave ! Call for a boat ! a skiff ! a barge ! a seventy- four ! or anything you like ! The fare is no object — what's money to life ? Let me but reach the land ! What a dangerous plight I am in ! I have had too much of explor- ing!^'^ "I am extremely sorry," observed Jerky, "we were prevented from examining this stupendous piece of workmanshij), and I regret the attempt should have met with any interruption. It is really a noble undertaking ; and, in my humble opinion, calculated to be of great service to the country, and also prove a monument of the spirit, industry, and enterprise of Englishmen. I think its completion is practicable ; and I hope the workmen will not stand still for the tools r A wet jacket, a damp pair of shoes, and some little diffi- culty and fatigue, were all viewed as trifles by our heroes, and were not at all calculated to deter them in their pursuits of obtaining information, " seeing Life," and rendering themselves perfectly acquainted with the various classes of society. " We are all safe," said Logic, " and it might have been worse." A comfortable fireside, a glass or two of strong grog, and some refreshment, very soon put the party all to rights, and they were again ready to start for any species of amusement which might offer to their notice. Upon meet- LTFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 107 ing together the next day, at Tom's residence, the Oxonian observed, " that during Jerry's former residence in the Metropolis, he had not then the opportunity of witnessing one of the most busy and comic features connected with Life in London ; he therefore should propose to the ' Young One' not to give the chance away at the present period." This was agreed to by the whole party, and the talents of the artist are seen to great advantage in the plate, which represents Tom, Jerry, Logic, and the ^'uncommonly hig gentleman," among the "Show Folks" at Bartholomew Fair : — One man in his time plays many parts. " Let us take a turn," said Logic, " to that ancient relic of rows, fun, frolic, adventures, lark, and jDatter — Bartholomew Fair. Often as I have mixed with the motley group, yet something new is always to be met with ; and, if I am in town at the time it occurs, I never miss taking a peep at the wild heastesses, and the merry sons and daughters of Nature — the ' SJioio Folks ! ' My old friend, Muster Richardson, so indefatigable in producing theatrical novelty for his high and loio customers — I never omit paying him a visit." "Then let us be off," replied Jerry : "I am quite impatient to join the lively throng : of course, Sir John, you will make one of the party ? " " Not so fast," cried Logic, making up one of his comical mugs, "it may prove dangerous to the 'uncommonly big gentle- man.' Some of the lads on the qui vive will put it about, he is the Giant bolted from his keepers, and out for an airing ! At all events, he will prove the greatest character in the Fair ; and, as I am short of the blunt, I do not know of a better sjiec., and which we can all be in. I will show up my friend as the greatest porpoise ever seen in England, alire and leaping ! " " Go it ! " replied Sir John, with the utmost good-nature : "I will risk it ; and_ between us both, I think something might be done to pick up a few pence. If you do not keep a good look-out, I will bet a trifle, if you are seen at large in the Fair, you will be caged by 108 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. some of Wombwell's men, as a mischievous monhey escaped from one of their caravans, disguised in green spectacles." " It is really worthy of observation, my dear Jerry," said Tom, " to those who are fond of character ; it might be termed the Metropolitan Carnival, for people of the first consequence in life may be seen ' on the sly,' as it were, enjoying t^ie fun ; but, in the crowd, rank soon loses its importance, and those fellows who are fond of ' pushing along, and keep moving,' are the best acquainted with the humours of Bartholomew Fair. Your country wakes, single- stick bouts, and other rustic amusements, are nothing in comparison with the great variety of subjects which this ancient Fair produces to thousands of persons, nay, tens of thousands, who annually join in the row to keep the game alive." Our heroes were not long before they found themselves in the midst of the fair ; and Tom, Jerry, and Logic, made their way like nothing else but " good ones ; " but not ex- actly so with the " uncommonly big gentietnan," who now almost began to repent of his temerity, from the numerous pushings, jostlings, bumps, and thimips his fat carcase ex- perienced in rude contact with coalheavers, dustmen, brewers' servants, costard mongers, and chajjs of the roughest descrip- tion, who were continually laughing at and jeering Sir John, by singing out, " Make way for the ' big one ! ' The Griant wants to get to his booth ! The audience are waiting for him ! " It was, however, too late to complain ; and the fat Knight bore the remarks and his violent perspirations with the greatest good temper, although his situation was ex- tremely unpleasant, by one of the conveyancers having nib- bled his wipe. " Never mind," said Logic, with a smile ; " it is only a little loss of blubber, and, to prevent the whole of it running away, I will make it all right as to the sneezer. I have two in my die ; and, when we are out of the mob, one shall be at your service." Everything worthy of observation was pointed out to the " Young One " by his most experienced tutors ; but the LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON, 109 " gift of the gab,^' exercised with so much gUhoHity by the " 8how folks " to ^j«/r/s get the best of you, nothing less than quod is sure to be j'our fate ; perhaps you may be taught some new steps upon the tread-mill. You may take your ' davy ' they can't lag you for being found here, without you are icanted. If any of you are wanted, gents, you know, vy that materially alters the case. Now you knows all about the club — conform j^ourselves to the rules — treat the hens like ladies — make yourselves happy, and I will call for a chaunt.''^ " I have witnessed a great variety of scenes, since I have been in London," said the Young One to Logic, " but this is equal to any, if it does not beggar the whole of them ; in truth, I had not the least idea that such meetings were suffered to take place." " You are quite right," replied the Oxonian, " they are always held upon the sly ; and, as soon as the police officers obtain the right scent, and make their 238 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. appeai'ance, the coirs and coresses are compelled to fly in every direction, and some very laughable occurrences take place. Some of the fellows may be seen scrambling over the tops of the houses, others getting down into the cellar, glad to hide themselves anywhere from the grasp of the traps. The glims are generally put out, and the screams of the unfortunate women, anxious to avoid a night's lodging in the roimdp-hni, or committal by the magistrates for a month as disorderly, defy anything like description. It is dangerous to be safe, I assure you, and it is not unlikely but such a visitation may take place this evening. I do not wish to alarm you, Jerry, but the sooner we toddle perhaps the better. I think I hear a bit of a scuffle below stairs even now, and, as the traps pay no respect to persons, I propose to holt. This was immediately agreed to by Tom, and the trio were off with the celerity of a shot. Tom Open-mout//, the ^chaunter, commenced the following old flash song, at the request of the lady patroness : — Come all you rolling kiddy boys, that in London does abound, If you wants to see a bit of life, go to the Bull in the Found ;* 'Tis there you'll see Poll, Bet, and Sal, with many other Flames, And " pitch and hustle," " ring the bull," and lots oi fancy games. With my fal de lal, fal de lal, de di do ! " Stow the chaunt ! " says Toimmy, " I thinks as how T hears a bit of a serufjimage below the dancers.f Don't be alarmed, moNis/iers,+ as the glims must be doused. It's a * A well-known flash house fifty years ago, denominated the " Bull in trouble .'" and contiguous to Bagniggo Wells Tea Gardens. A place of great resort at that period, and for several years afterwards, by the rolling kiddies of the old school, their girls, family peojilo, &c. The " Bidl in trouble " has been long since razed to the ground, and, on the old site, a capital new house has been erected, and called " TiiK Union." t The staii-s. I An old slang jihrasc. Low womou uu the town. LIFE IN AND OUT OF T.OXDON. 239 ui-sif, I am sure, from some of those d suspicious cha- racters. Therefore, let us all brush." The row soou became general ; lots of the blades and their »io//.s were locked up by the officers for the night, and Tom, Jerry, and Logic congratulated themselves on their lucky escape. CHAPTER XI. Logic and his Pals " going the rounds ; " a finish to the night, and an early SjJree. Ojf-hand Wager, and the " uncommonly big Gentleman " in the basket — a comic Scene near the Theatres. Archery : Tom, Jerry, and the fat Knight, try their skill to hit the Bull's-eye. The Corinthian's opinion respecting the amusement of Archery. A visit to the Regenfs Park. The Zoo- logical Gardens : bustle and alarm occasioned by the escape of the Kangaroo; Sir John Blubber down on the subject. One of those afjflictiug occurrences of Life in London — Tom, Jerry, and Logic arrested in their progress home, by the melancholy discovery 0/ Corinthian Kate, in the last stage of a consumption, disease, and inebriety ! After a night's cruise in search of life, fun, and character, or, as Logic termed it, "going the rounds," a cup of coffee at the Finish reduced, in some degree, the powerful effects 'of the copious draughts of wine which our heroes had dis- posed of in the course of the evening ; and, in their road home through Co vent Garden Market, Sir John Bijtbber was in high spirits, and ready to enter into any species of amusement which might present itself to their notice. The Oxonian took occasion to remark on the very heavy loads the Irish women carried from the Market on their heads, and immediately offered a bet that Kathleen Flaunagan, a well-known strong woman, should carry the " uncommonly big Gentleman" twice round the Market, without stopping to rest herself, if Sir John remained still in her basket. But previous to which, the Oxonian had ear-wigged Kath- leen on the subject of her strength, and the certainty of success : he told her that if she seconded him in having a lark with the fat Knight, she would be well paid for her LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDOX. "241 trouble. " I only want," said Bob, " to get him into the basket. I am sure you will not have to carry him half -a - dozen yards, Sir John will be so alarmed for his safety. In cooler moments, I am certain, nothing on earth would have tempted him to mount, he is so extremely careful of his Falsfajf carcase." " By de powers," answered Kathleen Flannngan, " is it to carry that lusty gentleman you mane ; bad luck to me, if I could not run off with him like a paraf//, and that's the truth now, and no joke. ^^Tiy, he's all blabber and froth /" '' Then I may back you to carry him, and no mistake?" inquired Logic. "You may, honey, safe enough," replied Kathleen ; " only let him mount, and I'll basket him in a pig's whisper. You know, he is nothing else but fat, and that, you see, is much lighter than solid meat. I can carry the like of two of him." " Impossible," cried Sir Johx, " she might as well attempt to run away with the Monument ; indeed, to shew you, Bob, that you are in error, I'll bet a supper and a dozen of wine, she does not carry me one hundred yards." " Agreed ! " answered Logic, " a trial — come, prepare ! " Sir John im- mediately placed himself in the market-woman's basket, when Pat JSIurphy and two or three Irish porters lent a hand, and Sir Johx was soon upon Kathleen s head, kick- ing his heels about, as restless as an eel, not approving of his uncomfortable situation. Off Kathleen toddled with her load, amidst the roars of laughter of the surrounding spectators ; at every step she took the mob increased, and the Market was all in an uproar. The Corixthiax enjoyed the humorous scene beyond measure, and kept an anxious look- out for the appearance of Jerry, whom they had left finishing his coffee, to follow them immediately, and enjoy the ridi- culous situation of the fat Knight ; and Logic, as the plate represents, was tickling Sir John with his spread, and offer- ing to bet any sum that he should win his wager. Sir John had scarcely left the ground, ere he repented of his error ; and, almost afraid to stir, kept crying out, " Let me get down, you Irish faggot ; you will break my neck. I will consent to lose — Stop I stop! stop!" "Go on, Kathleen," u 242 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. said Logic, " never mind what he says ; the ' big one ' is out of his mind." "Come, come, Bob, the joke is answered," vociferated the fat Knight ; "be satisfied with your triumph. Let me down, and I will make a present of a crown to your Irish porter in petticoats." " By all the saints in the calen- dar," replied Flannagan, pretending to be in a great passion, " if you are so unjontlemanly as to throw a slur upon my sex, I will carry you to the hack settlements in the Holy Land, where you shall get a sound bating for your prate and impertinence.^^ "Only let me down, and I will consent to anything. Miss Flannagan." "But you have not been half round the Market yet," observed Bob, "and you ought not to disappoint the spectators." In consequence of the repeated solicitations of Sir John, who now began to treat the affair in a serious manner, and was utterly unable to submit any longer to the loud noise, shouts, and laughter of the crowd, Logic consented that the fat Knight should be safely landed, if he would give Kathleen a sovereign for the heavy load she had carried. " I'll give anything," answered Sir John, " only let me down." " "Well, Sir," answered Kathleen, "as I am anxious to do the clane genteel thing, and you have altered your tone to one of the fair sex, and intend to behave like a jontleman, I will soon give you a grounder, and then you must be a good bo}', and take care of yourself for the future." On Sir John re- covering the use of his legs, the " King's picture " in gold was immediately handed over to Kathleen, who dropped a curtsey, saying, "By J , I should like to have a few more such loads, at a sovereign a-piece." The fat Knight had scarcely recovered himself from the " adventures of the basket," got out of the clutches of Kathleen, and regulated his apparel, when Jerry appeared in sight, out of breath, saying, " I have heard all about the lark ; but I regret. Sir John, that I was not time enough to witness your elevation in society. It really was unkind of you to keep me out of this fiinny affair. If I had been with you, I am sure you should, for once in your life, have turned the tables on Green Specs." "Never mind," replied Sir John, "I am not at all LIFE IN ANT) OUT OF LONDON. 243 angry about it : but the best thing, I think, we can all do, is to say the cruise is at an end, and make the best of our way home." This proposition had the desired effect, Sir John drove off iu a hack for the Snuggo'i/, and Tom, Jerry, and Logic, lost no time to enjoy the comforts of Corinthian House. In the course of a few days after the above uicjlifa spire, our heroes received cards of invitation to join the company of some gentlemen archers, on their next grand field-day. " 8ome years ago," said ToAr, " I was extremely fond of archery, and a tolerably good marksman. I have hit the bull's-eye more than once in my life ; but I could not back myself to do it now." " I can bring down a bird with my gun almost to a certainty," observed Jerry ; " and although I do not wish to boast of being a crack shot, I flatter myself I shall not be far off the hnWs-eye with my arrow." "Archery,"* said Tom, "has been the amusement of the nobles and jBovereigns of every nation, and is the general amusement of many eastern countries to this day. It is also very conducive to health ; and, viewed as an amuse- ment. Archery possesses advantages over all others as a field diversion, by strengthening and bracing the bodily frame, without that laborious exertion common to many games, every nerve and sinew being regularly brought into * It is said that Archery was so mucli approved of as a bodily exercise by Bisliop Latimer, that he even preached a sermon in favour of it, before Edward the Sixth. After the Eestoration, Archery became the general amusement. Charles the Second himself took such delight in it, that he even knighted a man * for excelling an ex- cellent shot, whose portrait is in the Toxophilite Society. After the death of Charles, it again began to decline, and was confined in prac- tice to a few counties only, till about forty years ago, when it was re- vived with increased splendour, throughout every part of England, as will appear by the number of societies that were instituted, many of which exist, and continue their yearly and monthly meetings to this day. ' Sii' William Wood. 244 LTFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. play, without the danger of being exposed to those alter- nate heats and colds, incident to the games of cricket, tennis, &c. "To persons who are naturally indolent," continued the Corinthian, " Archery often makes a man perform more than he thinks is in his power ; for many an archer, who would not imdertake, nor be prevailed upon, to walk five miles in a journey, has walked six at the targets ; for in shooting forty- eight times up to one target, and forty- eight times back again to the other (the number of rounds the ToxojDhilite Society shoot on grand days), besides walk- ing to the arrows shot beyond the targets, which, upon a reasonable calculation, may be reckoned five yards each time, and but five back again, makes ninety- six times one hundred and ten yards, which is exactly six miles." " That will do for me ; I want pleasant exercise ; I am too bulky." said Sir John, " and I must reduce myself iii weight. I will become an archer without loss of time." "I should advise you, by all means," answered Tom ; " therefore let us all go dressed in the proper uniform, and I will introduce you to the Secretary, and the other members of the Society." "I will also accompany you," observed the Oxonian, but as to hitting the bulVs-fi/e, it would be 'all my eye' to attempt it." " Another advantage attending the amusement of Ar- chery is," said Tom, "that it is equally open to the fair sex, and has, for these last thirty years, been the favourite recreation of a great part of the female nobility, the only field diversion they can enjoy without incurring the censure of being thought masculine.* It will be needless to enume- * Madame Bola, formerly a famous opera-dancer, upon being taught the use of the bow, declared, that of all attitudes she ever studied (and surely some little deference of opinion ought to be jiaid to one whose ■whole life was spent in studying attitudes), she thought the position of shooting with the longbow was the most noble. Certain it is, that the figure of a man cannot be displayed to greater advantage than when drawing the bow at an elevation. Every arrlur ought to studj- well this part of archery. a ^ ^^ X n\ t:\ :\ 1^, LIFE IN AND OUT OF I.O>iI)ON. 245 rate the many advantages received in pursuing this amuse- ment ; those who have tried, do not require any further argument in support of it, than what their own experience has already supplied them with." " Of course the company of the ladies must prove a great attraction to the admirers of archery," observed Logic; "but, instead of hitting the target, their aim, I rather apprehend, is of a more tender nature — the hearts of the archers ! " Clothes were imme- diately ordered of the old swell tailor, Mr Primefit ; the necessary preliminaries were also entered into with the secretary, as to their becoming members of the society ; and, on the appointed day, Tom, Jerry, Logic, and the " uncommonly big Gentleman," properly attired as archers, entered the field, and made their bows to the ladies. The scene, as the plate represents, was altogether prepos- sessing ; the elegant dresses of the ladies, the handsome uni- form of the archers, a lively band of music, splendid marquees, refreshments of all kinds, flags flying, the archer's silver cup, handed round to the ladies to sweeten this honorary trophy with their lips, &c., induced Jerry to observe " that he had seen nothing, since his visit to London, which had afforded him so much real pleasure." The elegant attitude of Tom, and the management and skill he displayed with his bow, were the admiration of the company ; and, amidst the applause of the visitors, he was proclaimed the captain of the day, by hitting the buU's-eye, and bearing o£E the prize of the gold medal. Jerry also proved himself no mean rival at the target, and his arrow was so well placed, as to procure for him the situation of lieutenant, and the silver medal was awarded to him for his exertions, The "uncommonly big Gentleman" was quite abroad, like an outside horse at a race ; his arrow obtained no place whatever, and loud laughter was the only reward the fat Knight received for his exertions. Logic very wisely pleaded inability, on account of his green specs., and his time was otherwise pleasantly employed by his attention to the ladies. Our heroes returned to Corinthian Home, 246 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. highly delighted with the amusement they had experienced at the Archery Ground. In the course of a few days, Sir John, who was always upon the look-out for something new to amuse Jerry, pro- posed a visit to the Zoological Gardens. " I have heard a most excellent report of them," replied Tom, " and I shall be happy to make one of the party to view the fine collec- tion of birds and beasts they contain." Jerry pictured to himself a treat ; the carriage was ordered immediately, and, in a very short time, our heroes appeared at the gate for admittance. " I am quite pleased with these Gardens," said the Oxonian to Jerry : " they reflect considerable credit upon the directors of this society. The situation is altogether delightful ; it is a pleasant walk, or a fine drive for the gentry, and a most agreeable lounge into the bargain." While our heroes were conversing on different topics con- nected with the arrangement of the Gardens, a sudden bustle and alarm amongst the visitors excited their attention. The kangaroo had escaped from his den, owing to the door being accidentally left open. In the scuffle to be foremost, the *' uncommonly big Gentleman " kicked his toe against a stone, and lost his balance, which made the ground shake again. " By Jove ! " exclaimed Logic, putting on one of his comical faces, " what a violent shock ! a sort of an earthquake ! What a j)ity ! this delightful park wdll be in ruins, in the twinkling of an eye ! That beautiful row of houses seems to me to be on the totter already ! " " Oh dear," said a lady, overw^helmed with affright, and w'ho had overheard the last sentence, " be kind enough. Sir, to let me lay hold of your arm. I have lost my husband in the bustle. Do you really think we shall all be swallowed uj) ? " " Do not believe him, dear Madam," said Sir John, as he lay sprawl- ing on the ground ; " that Bob Logic is one of the greatest jokers of the present day ; he turns everything into ridi- cule." Time did not hang heavily on the hands of Tom, Jkrry, and Logic ; in fact, their invitations were so numerous, that LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 247 ttey were often at a loss to make a selection amongst their friends, as to whom they should give the preference. Com- mon-place invitations, or anything like routine parties, wei-e instantly rejected by the Corinthian and Logic, their object being novelty, character, or information, from which the visit of Jerry might turn out to his advantage. On their return home from a convivial party in the City, given by Sir John Blubber to some wealthy citizens, where the fine wines of the " uncommonly big Gentleman " had been pushed about with unusual celerity, and the evening had been spent in the most lively manner, and mirth and gaiety prevailed to the end of the chapter — on bidding " good night," or, rather, " good morning," to the rich cits, Tom was in excellent spirits, Logic rijye for anything, and Jerry perfectly ready to follow the steps of his two most accom- plished masters ; but their progress was suddenly arrested by the groans of an unfortunate female, as the plate rej)re- sents, apparently in a dying state, under the Piazza of Covent Garden. The rapid degradation of Kate was of the most afflicting description ; unlike many women, who have managed to live in splendour for j-ears, and hold their rank and attrac- .tion as fashionable courtezans, until the frowns of age placed them in the shade, and reduced their consequence in the eyes of their gallants, she went headlong to destruction. Her immense pride was the source of all her misfortunes ; anything like restraint or reproach, was almost worse than death to her already wounded feelings, and she left her keepers in succession, careless whether she had a house to cover her unhappy head, or a bed ujjon which she might rest her miserable, degraded frame. Hurried on hy misfor- tunes, she was compelled to visit the Theatres on her own account ; but distress upon distress very soon prevented her making a decent appearance, and the Boxes and the Saloon were cut by the wretched, unfortunate Corinthian Kate. Poverty and want have too often effected changes in the strongest minds ; and virtue of the most rigid description has been known to succumb to the terrors produced by 24^ lAVE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. starvation. Although the cJiuracter of Kate had long been lost to the world, yet she could not screen herself, at times, from her own conscience and acute feelings. Reluctant at first, but dreadful necessity banished ultimately all her scruples, and the once splendid, imperious, high-minded Corinthian Kate became the inmate of a dress-house ! * This disgusting and almost last stage of infamy experienced by the unfortunate women of the town, degraded as she was, nevertheless was too much for Kate's susceptibility ; kept during the day in beggary, and almost in rags, and at night dressed up like a painted doll, sent to the Theatre on specu- lation, watched by her landlady or old procuress hired for | the purpose, to preclude her from robbing her mistress of her wages of prostitution, and also prevent her running off with the clothes belonging to her iniquitous employer, soon overthrew all the remnants left of her once refined manners and mind. She became a prey to melancholy, was neglect- ful of her person : her attractions as a Cijprian were gone, and, as a matter of course, she could not obtain money enough by her prostitution to satisfy the demands of her cruel, griping, unfeeling mistress. This latter resjMctab/e person in life, whose only idol was money, made up a debt for board, lodging, &c., against Kate, and had her arrested and thrown into prison, where she remained for several weeks, until discharged by Act of Parliament. But freedom to Kate was more of an injury than a service to her; she had nothing else but starvation before her eyes ; no friends to succour her in the hour of trial ; a complete outcast, and degraded to the last step of human wretchedness — a street walker ! In consequence of her miserable, altered appear- * It was the opiuion of Dr Johnson, " that WoiiKN for the most part are good or bad, as they fall among those who practise VIKTUE or vice ; and that neither education nor reason gives them much secu- rity against the influence of example. Whether it be that they have less courage to stand against opposition, or that their desire of admi- ration makes them sacrifice their principles to the poor pleasure of worthless praise, it is certain, whatever be the cause, that female goodness seldom keeps its ground against huujhter, flattery, or FASHION." I,IFE IX AND OUT OF LO>'I)()X. 240 ancc, with scarcely any clothes upon her back, nay, almost in a state of nuditij, she was compelled to walk out nightly, after dark, to obtain a miserable pittance, and prostitute herself to the lowest blackguard or midnight debauched ruffian, for a mere trifle. Such was the lamentable state to which this once admired and beautiful woman had brought herself ! Drinking was the only refuge she had from her- self, and she scarcely remained one hour sober out of the twenty-four ; by which means she soon became bloated, diseased, little else but a mass of corruption, and one of the most abandoned and profligate women on the town. There was something so very touching in the groans of the unfortvmate female under the Piazza, and they vibrated so forcibly on the ears of Tom, that he could not account for the strange sensation his feeKngs experienced, when he perceived her prostrate on the ground ; he felt as if he had been riveted to the sj3ot. The tone of her voice seemed like a sound that had once been very familiar to his ear ; and he viewed the body under the most terrifying appre- hensions. He dreaded to examine, yet his anxiety com- pelled him to persevere — but the fine form, the beautiful face, and the elegant apparel which always adorned Corin- thian Kate, had altogether undergone such a material change, that not the slightest traces remained of her interesting person. Tom had no recollection of the unfor- tunate creature before him, and was about to depart ; but, on the watchman lifting her from the ground, and also hold- ing up his lantern to her face, the afflicting truth flashed across his memory like lightning — he was horror-struck, and in the most unspeakable agony, exclaimed, " Good God ! it is poor Kate ! " The fumes of the wine vanished in an instant, and he became at once perfectly sober. The tears rolled down his cheeks in profusion, his powers of utterance were withheld, and he pointed with his finger to the cause. Tom staggered against the wall, his agitation was so great ; and had it not been for the assistance of Logic and Jerry, he would have fallen on the stones with the utmost severity. The 0.wman, on ascertaining the wretched female was no 250 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. other tlian Corinthian Kate, was sliocked beyond de- scription, and the feelings of poor Jerry were equally dis- tressed. At the request of Tom, the Oxonian made several inquiries of the watchman respecting his knowledge of poor Kate. " Upon my conscience," replied the watchman, " the Ladij- hird, as she is called, has been one of the most troublesome girls on my heat ; although, I understand, she has been but a short time upon the town. Indeed, I cannot make her out at all, at all. She does such strange sorts of things that the bystanders in general will have it she is out of her mind ; but, then, to be sure, she is so generous with her hhint, and so lady-like in her talk, when she is a little bit in her senses, that my ould heart has often melted for her un- fortunate situation. Take care of her, you said. Sir; by J , that is no easy undertaking ; when she is in some of her unruly fits, ten men can scarcely hold her ; she knocks her head against the wall, with an intention to kill herself, says she will not live, and calls out for one Tom, who, I daresay, has been one great big blackguard to her. Poor creature, she has been quite the butt and laughing-stock of all the girls and fellows about the neighbourhood for some time past. The only thing I can do for her, your honour, is to take her to the watch-house, until I am off my duty, when I will put her under the care of a good ould woman until she recovers herself. The Ladybird is very much overcome with liquor; but here, Pat," (calling to the other watchman) *' lend a hand, and we will soon remove her from the cold stones." There was no other place at hand where she might receive any assistance towards recovering her from her state of stupor, at that time of the morning, and our heroes reluctantly consented that she should be taken to the watch-house. " Faith," said the watchman, *' you need not be so very particular about her now, as wo have been often compelled to drag the Ladi/bird before the night- constable by force." " Use her kindly," replied the Corinthian, " and you shall be well paid for your trouble." LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 2ol Kate was taken to the watch-house, and, after the ap- plication of some restoratives, she breathed freely, and ap- peared to recover a little from her dreadful state of mind ; but, upon opening her eyes, and looking round the place in a wild sort of manner, she immediately recognised the Corinthian, and uttering a most piteous, heart-rending scream, she was again seized with a violent convulsive fit. The situation of Tom, at this instant, may be much easier imagined than described ; when, squeezing Logic by the hand, " My dear Bob," said he, " I know you have more nerve than I possess. I cannot stand this afflicting scene any longer — it is too much for my feelings — I must go : therefore, permit me to depart ; but, for Grod's sake, by our long and valued acquaintance, and on the score of sincere friendship, let me request of you to remain behind, and see what can be done for my once beloved Kate ; degraded and fallen as she may be in the eyes of society, I cannot discard her from my memory ; and I think it my duty to render her every assistance in my power." Logic, although the leader of life and fun, was never insensible to the cause of the unfortunate, and no eye ever shewed more tokens of real sympathy, when called upon to assist a female in dis- tress. The Oxonian, in a pathetic faltering tone, answered, " I will ; and you may depend upon it, Tom, I will see Kate comfortably situated before I leave her, not o\\\y on 3'our accovmt, but from my remembrance of her good qua- lities in better days." Poor Jekry, whose admiration of this once delightful woman amounted to ecstasy, had turned aside to wipe away the tears which had so profusely over- spread his manly cheeks. Previous to Tom's leaving the watch-house, he cast a long but agonising look at the de- graded Corinthian Kate, and a sigh of so deejD and melancholy a tone escaped his lips, that his heart ajjpeared almost broken. He left Bob and Jerry with the utmost precipitation, and was out of sight in an instant. The unfortunate Kate remained insensible for a long time, but the night-constable, a man of feeling, and one who filled the office in his own right, rendered her all the 2'j2 life in and ottt of i,oNnoN. assistance in his power, on becoming acquainted with the situation of the parties. He offered to procure a comfort- able retreat for her, and assured Logic and Jerry that nothing should be wanting, on his part, to render Kate sensible of her unhappy, degraded situation in society, and to prepare her to accept an asylum either in the Peniten- tiary or the Magdalen. On recovering herself, Kate appeared to feel almost as much shocked as when she recognised the Corinthian, on beholding Logic and Jerry standing in a dejected manner over her person. She immediately burst into a flood of tears, and hid her face with both her hands, sobbing aloud. " Be comforted," said Logic, " compose yourself — you will not hear an unkind word from us. Every exertion shall be made to relieve jour mind, and free you from your unhappy situation." " Good God ! " exclaimed Kate, " I am now degraded indeed. I am past comfort ! Nothing can relieve my sufferings in this world but death ! For God's sake, leave me, Mr Logic. I entreat you to begone, Mr Haw- thorn. If you remain here, I shall never recover my reason." Her frame became dreadfully agitated, and she was seized with a violent hysterical fit. The scene was truly afflicting to the watchmen, but the distress of mind and agonised feelings of Logic and Jerry were poignant beyond description. " I think, gentlemen," observed the night-constable, "you had better depart ; the sight of you appears to disturb her exceedingly. She shall be lodged safely in my house for a few days, and every care taken of her until you may be able to make some arrangements for her future mode of life. The moment she recovers her senses, I will take her to my residence in a coach ; and you can, if you think proper, remain at a distance until you see her safely lodged in my house. I will send you an account of her health daily, and also prepare her mind to give you a meeting." " AVe will take 3^our advice," said Logic, " and I hope you will accept our best thanks for your kindness and humanilv. Here is LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 253 a ten-pound note, to defray the expenses for the present ; send for a medical man immediately, a physician of the first eminence, and let her have a fresh supply of clothes without delay ; indeed, let her have everything that may afford her relief, and more money shall be sent to you in the course of the day." Logic and Jerry followed the advice of the night-constable, and after seeing Kate safely conducted to the residence of the above officer, they immediately pro- ceeded to Corinthian House, and reported progress to Tom, respecting the line of conduct they had adopted towards the unfortunate Kate. Messengers were sent repeatedly by the Corinthian to inquire after the health of his once adored mistress ; and, by the unremitting attention of the constable and his wife, Kate appeared to improve in bodily strength, but the mental agony she suffered was excessive. Our heroine was continually in tears, and lamenting her unhappy state, occa- sioned by her deviation from the paths of rectitude. "When pressed to name a day to receive Logic and Jerry, in order to prepare her in some degree for a visit from Tom, she postponed it from time to time, on account of the shattered state of her nerves ; but promised, when she found herself able to endure such an interview, she would give timely notice to that effect. Kate, after repeated pressing entreaties, at length named the day ; but, on the evening previous, taking advantage of the absence of the night-constable and his wife, she made her escape, as it were, from her apartments, and quitted the house, unknown to any person, leaving the following letter upon the table, addressed to Corinthian Tom:— " Dearest and best of men, " I have struggled hard witli myself to obtain the victory, but I am conquered — I cannot meet you. Although I am very anxious to see you once more, previous to taking my leave of you for ever ; yet to me, the consequences of such a meeting might prove fatal. The die is cast, and I must submit to fate. I am degraded beyond all ho] es of redemption in my own eyes : the slightest reproach from you vs^ould be worse than death ; and I have made up my mind, that it will bo 254 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. much the best foi' both of us not to meet. Therefore, T say, adieu, dear Tom, for ever. Pursue me no farther ; seek not my abode, as it will be useless, but leave me to my wretched self. I am unworthy of your care and attention ; and I am fully prepared for the worst, ' Come what may ! ' Accept my warmest gratitude for this last act of tender- ness and generosity towards me ; it reflects the highest credit upon you, as a man of honour and feeling, although it has arrived too late to save me from destruction. But let me request of you, as the last favour, to erase from your memory that such an unfortunate, despised, abandoned creature as Corinthian' Kate ever had existence in this world, and my last prayer shall be offered up for your future happi- ness. Once more, adieu ! "The wretched, agonised, and broken-hearted "Kate. " P.S. — I cannot, will not, remaiTi in England. The recollection of is madness ! If I survive our recent meeting, which is doubt- ful, I shall endeavour to seek retirement in a far-distant land. But I have lost all tranquillitj- of mind. I despair of finding anything like consolation on this side the grave. My hand falters — my brain is on fire — and I " The constable, on discovering the flight of his unfortunate charge, lost no time in communicating the unwelcome intel- ligence to two of our heroes at Corinthian House. " I am afraid," said he, addressing himself to Logic, " that Miss Kate will commit suicide. I and my wife have done all in our power to soothe her afflictions, but her grief was so great that she refused all consolation ; in truth, she gave herself completely up to despair. I have inquired after her at all the houses in the neighbourhood of Co vent Garden, and at other places where I thought I might gain some tidings about her, with the greatest diligence, but all in vain. I could not learn any traces of her retreat. However, I will not give up the pursuit, and I hope I shall be yet successful, as I feel an interest in her fate, much more than anj'thing like reward for my exertions can compensate." The Oxonian returned thanks to the constable for the feeling he had displayed towards the unfortunate woman committed to his care ; but observed, owing to the ill state of Tom's health, it would be imprudent for hiin to communicate the flight of Kate to Tom, until a more favourable opportunity. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 255 He should, however, advise him not to relax in his exertions to find out her place of concealment, and again to take her under his care, should he meet with her. In the course of a few days the constable should hear from him on the sub- ject, and also be well rewarded for the trouble he had taken to reheve the sufferings of a female who was the object of all their commiseration. The constable took his leave, and promised to use his best exertions to get her once more under his roof. " I sincerely hope," said Jerry, " that he may be successful in his search after Kate, as I know the liberal feeKngs of the Corinthian towards her, notwith- standing what has occurred ; but I would not experience such another dreadful meeting for a fortune. The rapid transition in her person to me was horrible, and, had I not witnessed it, I could scarcely have believed it possible to have taken place. Corinthian Kate, who was once the envy of the women, now so reduced as to become disgusting to both sexes I " " It is the only instance, amongst the thousand w^hich occur in Life in London, that has come to your knowledge ; but such afflicting circumstances are continually to be met with in the dissipated circles of the metropolis," replied Logic ; " and it is agonising to reflect on the incalculable number of the finest and most beautiful women thus doomed, in the course of a few months, to total destruction and death. The Theatres, and other public places of amusement are filled and thinned — filled and thinned again, in rapid succession, with those unhappy girls who dazzle and become the 'playthings of an hour,' until dissipation, distress, and disease, compel a hasty exit, and they are then heard of no more. Such are the direful effects and terrible end of vice and infamy in the metro- polis." CHAPTER XII. Severe indisposition of Tom on account of the mcldcn fi'ujht of Corinthian Kate. Sorrow the order of the dmj for some time at the residence of Tom. A visit from the fat Knight, icho removes grief and restores mirth. Our heroes take a Peep at the Houses of Lords and Commons, and other Puhlic Institutions xcorthij of notice. Iavv. ON THE Water : Tom and Jerry having a pitll for the " BEST OF IT." Splinter of no use in the wind. Logic in difficulties, and symptoms of " heavy wet," or a DRAP too much for the ^^ uncommonlg big Gentleman," Trial of Skill — Pigeon Shooting : Tom, Jerry, and the fat Knight engaged in a Match. The horrid interview with Kate had so eompletelj'' over- whelmed the feelings of the Corinthian, that he had scarcely been able to quit his bed for several days ; and just as he was on the point of recovering in a small degree from its afflicting effects upon his mind, the intelligence of her sudden flight brought on a relapse. " I am grieved beyond expression," said Tom, "at the inconsiderate con- duct of this wretched, ungrateful girl. I had determined to rescue her from the paths of destruction. It was also my intention to have settled an annuity upon her for life, and likewise to have placed her in some respectable asylum, where she might have spent the remainder of her days in peace and quietness. But, alas ! all my plans are frustrated, and I dread the consequences. The violence of her disposi- tion knows no bounds ; and I am afraid, in a paroxysm of despair, she will destroy herself." I loved, and mine I prai.sed, <> And mine that I was prond of, mine so much, -1 That I myself was to myself not min(^ i T.FFK IX AM) 0T:T OF I.OXnON. 257 Valuing: of her : why she O, she is fallen Into a pit of ink, that the wide sea Hath drops too few to wash her clean again, And salt too little, which may si-asou give To her foul-tainted flesh ! CoRix'i'iiiAN House, b}^ the above melancholy circum- stance, had completely changed its character : — once the acknowledged seat of wit, fun, raillery, and laughter, it had now become the abode of sorrow, and dulness reigned throughout every corner of the residence. Tom positively refused to see his most intimate friends, and Logic and Jerry could not recover their wonted spirits. However, the arrival of the " uncommonly big Gentleman" tended, in a great measure, to remove the " Blue Devils," as he said, from the house. He did not wish to be thought unfeeling to the female in question, and lamented the circumstance exceed- ingly ; but, as they had, like good fellows, done everything in their power to relieve her misfortunes, he was an enemy to perpetual sorrow ; and lengthened grief, he was well assured, could not do her any good. He should, therefore, propose to Jerry, more especially as he did not wish to gallop from grave to gay, to visit the Houses of Lords and Commons, the Courts of Law, British Museum, &c. Those were serious subjects, and required serious attention ; and, he apprehended, at the present period, they might prove quite congenial to their feelings ; after which, by way of a set-off, he had a proj)osition of a more lively nature to make to them, in which they might act as silent spectators, or take an active part — a Rowing Match upon the River Thames. This sport would not only produce them capital exercise, but the change of scene, united with the breezes from the water, recruit their spirits, and improve their health. " Well said. Sir John," replied Logic, " I am glad to see you at this peculiar juncture ; good humour was alwaj's one of your most intimate companions, and we never stood in need of it so much, to drive away Care, since I have had the honour of your acquaintance : therefore, your friendly visit will be now hailed with more than welcome." Several days were occupied in visiting the House of Lords, 258 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. the House of Commons, &c., by Sir John, Jp:kry, and Logic, in order to give the Corinthian time to obtain a perfect state of convalescence, that he might enter into the water-party of the fat Knight's with his usual spirit. The Oxonian, assisted by Sir John, took great pains to point out the talents of the various speakers in both Houses of Parliament to Jerry, and they were also extremely minute in calKng the attention of the " Young One " to the numerous interesting subjects in the British Museum, and other public institutions in the metropolis. If Jerry did not appear to disjDlay so much animation at the above places as he might have done where the attractions were of a more lively nature, yet he nevertheless felt their vast importance in society, and congratulated himself that he had not left London with- out visiting them. To his friend Logic, Jerry' expressed his sincere thanks for the valuable remarks he had so often received on various subjects from him, and trusted that, at some future period, he should be able to turn them to a good account. The Rowing Match did not produce so much amusement as Sir John had previously anticipated, and, therefore, to make up for the deficiency of sport, he offered to back Jerry against the Corinthian, to row a mile for a " rump and a dozen." This challenge was immediately accepted by Tom ; boats were provided for them without delay, to decide the wager, and Logic was also appointed by Sir John to act as umpire on the occasion. The strength of Jerry enabled him, soon after starting, to take the lead for a short distance, which circumstance so elated the " fat Knight," that he began loudly to shout, and play all manner of antics, by way of encouragement, to Jerry* to keep it up ; but suddenly quitting his seat, and the wind being extremely high, he lost his balance and fell over- board. This was rather a melancholy change for the " un- commonly big Gentleman," who was seen buffeting the stream like a porpoise, roaring out lustily for assistance. " Help ! help ! help me. Bob Logic, or I shall be drowned I Splinter, for God's sake, give me your hand, or I shall be LIFE IX AND f)LT OF LONDOX. 259 lost ! " "I Cim't," replied Splixter, " I liave enough to do to take care of myself ; I am so thin, I am afraid 1 shall be blown into the water. I have no strength like you, Sir JoHX, to contend with such rude elements! " "What are you at, Sir ! " said the waterman ; " if you cling to the boat so tight, we shall all be upset ; you are heavy enough to sink a seventy-four gun ship." After a great de.il of diffi- culty and exertion, and almost pulling Logic's hands from his wrists, the " uncommonly big Grentleman " had grasj^ed them so tightly, he was rescued from his perilous situation. " Never mind, Sir JoHX," said Logic, smiling, " you are all right now. You must consider it as a cooler, as you were so very warm on the subject just now ; a kind of ' henri/ tcet,'' and that you have had a ' drap ' too much this bout. But pull away, waterman, or else I shall not be able to decide this wager." "I will agree to lose the wager, Bob," said the fat Knight; "only put ms on shore, I am so chilly and cold, and anxious to dry my clothes at the first public-house." Logic, although he loved his joke, immediately consented to Sir Johx's propo- sition : " But," said the Oxonian, " shall I send any of the doctors belougfins to the Humane Society to feel vour pulse and pronounce you out of danger ? The poor fishes have sustained a heavy loss by your escape from a watery grave." " Yes, thank heaven," replied the fat Knight with much pleasantry, " I have hiiked them this bout ; and I assure you, Bob, that I had rather walk than be dragged along any time, however friendly disposed the persons employed by the Humane Society might be towards my carcase." Sir Joiix, on being landed, made for the first public-house, crying out, " Any port in a storm I " The Oxonian rendered every assistance to disencumber the "un- commonly big Gentleman" of his wet clothes, when the latter jumped into a warm bed, tossed off two or three hot glasses of brandy and water, wished Logic " good night ! " and said he would return to London early in the morning, and call at Corinthian Ilouac. jN'otwithstandiug the superior strength and exertions of 260 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LOXDdN". Jerry to become the conqueror, the kuowledge of tlie river possessed by Tom gave him the " best of the match," and he won it cleverly. On becoming acquainted with Sir John's disaster, they both laughed veiy heartily, but ex- pressed themselves well pleased that the "uncommonly big Gentleman " had suffered no other inconvenience from his accident than a good ducking. The ajopearance of Sir John at Corinthian House the next morning was the signal for fun and laughter ; but the fat Knight, full of good- humour, joined in the jokes of his merry pals, and the adventures of the Rowing Mutch were forgotten in the course of a few fleeting hours. The sudden and totally unexpected flight of Corin- thian Kate, just at the moment when a gleam of hope appeared to rescvie her from her wretched situation, operated upon the feelings of Tom in a way not to be depicted ; and he was determined, if possible, regardless of any exj)ense, to have her once more under his control, on the laudable plea of humanity. He, therefore, made the most liberal offers to the Constable and his wife, not to relax in their exertions to regain possession of her person. Repeated inquiries were made after Kate, at her old places of resort, but without the desired effect ; in fact, no stone was left unturned to recapture the unfortunate creature by the above active ofiicer. The pursuit, when not the slightest chance remained to gain some tidings of her plan of retreat, was" ultimately given up, under the idea that she had quitted the kingdom in disgust, with true penitent notions. The plans adopted by Tom, to reclaim her from the paths of wickedness, were of so feeling yet secure a character, that he had determined to render the remainder of her existence comfortable as to personal wants, in spite of herself; "but her mind," she had often said, "never could be soothed ; and that the sight of those persons wlio would always appear to her ' like daggers to her memory,' must be avoided by flight." Iler cunning enabled her to elude the vigilance of the officer by changing her route ; and thus wore tlie benevolent intentions of tlie Cokinihian f rust ruled. LIFE IN AMI OUT OF LONDON. 2()1 Mercj' is uot itself that oft looks so ; Pardon is still the nurse of second woe I In the course of a few days, after the Rowing Match had been decided, Jerry, on meeting with the " uncommonly big Gentleman," observed to him, " I have a capital day's amusement in store for you ; a match at Pigeon Shoot- ing ! In fact, I have backed you against the Corinthian, to kill more birds out of the trap than he does, provided Tom makes use of his walking-stick, as he has bound him- self to do, you having the privilege to shoot with any gun you think proper." " A urdkiiKj-stick / A fiddle-de-dee! Come, come, my Young One," replied Sir John, " I do not look iipon mj'self as a very wine one ; but, nevertheless, I am not quite such a Jlaf as to believe that Tom or you are serious about the matter. It is one of your tricks, Master Jerry I " " Indeed, it is no joke, Sir John," answered the Corinthian. '•' I am perfectly serious, and if you enter- tain any doubts upon the matter, here is the icalking-stick I intend to use upon the occasion" {handing it over to the fat Knight for his inspection.) " Well, then," said the *' uncommonly big Gentleman," " I will venture another rump and a dozen, although I have been generally defeated in various matches with you, that, if \o\x make use of this tcaikii/g-stick, I kill more birds than you do, out of twenty- one. It has no sight ! " " Agreed," answered Tom, " it is a match." On the day appointed to decide the subject in dispute, Tom appeared on the giound, with his walking-stick* in * The PATENT staff GUN is in the shape of a common walking- stick, and is a perfect substitute for that article, when it is not coehd, and the ferrule is in the muzzle. It is also less than half the weight of the common fowling-piece, and not above one third of the expense, It is likewise less dangerous than the common gun ; and the patentee, Mr Hubbard, asserts, that a moderate practice will soon enable any- one to become a good shot with it. The extent of the invention is confined to the usual fair chances of sporting ; it does not pretend to the niceties of a rifle shot, or to destroy a pigeon from a trap so cer- tainly as with the unwieldy pieces and large charges that are used when heavy stakes are depending. 262 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. his hand, as the plate represents. The fat Knight flattered liimself, as he was not considered altogether a bad shot, that he should win the match in a canter, and was jolly enough to back himself tico to one; but the Knight was not aware that Tom had been practising on the sly, with the PATENT STAFF GUN, for the last twelve months, and had found it answer all the desired purposes, without being half the weight of the common fowling-piece. The fat Knight prepared for action, exerting himself to the utmost of his ability, puffing and blowing like a broken- winded horse, and managed to kill ten birds. Great curiosity was evinced on the ground by most of the crack shots, to witness the talents displayed by Tom with his ivalking-sticlx, against the _ feathered tribe. The Corinthian felt confident of success — and in a short time he was pronounced the winner, having killed twelve birds out of the twenty-one. The " uncom- monly big Gentleman " not only acknowledged his defeat, but expressed, with cheerfulness, his surprise at the perfec- tion and utility of the patent staff gun. CHAPTER XIII. Terrific moments for the thought/ess — Melancholy end of CoRiXTHiAN Kate — one of tho.'ie lamentable examples of dissipated Life in London. The end of extravagance — Tim Splinter, according to the remarks of the Oxonian, splintered ; hut, nevertheless, of no service to his Creditors. Tom, Jerry, and Logic make a friendly call on the High-hred one, in Banco Regis. ''Away with melancholy !"' or an old favourite air to a new tune, nith accompaniments, by a variety of Charac- ters. The awful day arrived — the Court in view — "^o Ije or not to he opposed, ^^ that is the question. It had been the intention of the unhappy Kate, it should seem, pre\'ious to her sudden flight from the friendly roof of the Constable and his wife, to have quitted the kingdom with the most convenient speed, as the only way to obtain something like peace of mind. The short period she had remained imder the immediate care of Logic, at the ex- pense of the Corinthian, and consigned to the soothing aid of the wife of the ofiicer, had completely awakened Kate to a due sense of her horrid mode of life, and also enforced her determination to reform her conduct altogether. Her pride, nevertheless, was not to be conquered, although she had been reduced to the last extremity of distress ; and her feeKngs were too much lacerated, by her own depraved behaviour and degradation in life, to endure a serious meet- ing, and hear a final proposition made by the Corinthian. She therefore preferred flight. To be reinstated in the good opinion of Tom was impossible ; but to become an object of charity — a mere pauper — dependent on the man she had once idolised as her companion, and by whom every care had been exerted to gratify her vanity ; now to be kept in the shade, aloof from society, during the remainder of her 264 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. existence, or the finger of scorn continually pointed at her jDcrson, wherever she appeared — the bare idea was too overwhelming with horrors for her emaciated fi'ame to Avithstand. She could not return to her parents — their doors were shut against her — and Kate had lost all rela- tionship ; in truth, like all unfortunate females of this de- scription, she might now be said not to possess a single friend in the world ; nay, she was a wretched outcast from society. Kaie had scarcely quitted the residence of the Constable when she was unfortunately met by some of her female comiDanions in vice, in company with Old Mother , well known in the annals of infamy, at the west end of the town, to whom she related her intention of leaving England. Finding the personal appearance and dress of Kate altered for the better, and also plenty of money in her pocket, the Old Beldam immediately dissuaded her from burying her- self in a foreign country. The bottle was soon introduced, and all her penitent notions were flown in an instant, or rather drowned by intoxication. " Come, my dear," said the old Procuress, " it would be a shame so fine a woman should be lost to the world — a girl like you, who can get so much money from gentlemen ! Don't think of such a thing ! Foreign parts, indeed ! Why, child, you must not be right in your head ! Foreign parts, pooh ! Let me not hear any more of foreign parts. You, Miss Kate, that have been the toast of the theatres, the masquerades, the gardens, &c. Come, my dear girl, take another glass, and make your mind happ}', and I'll give you a toast, — ' Here's old England for ever ! ' there is no place like it in the world ; the blunt magazine for me ! Now, my dear, never let me hear you mention any more about foreign parts : the advice of all the fellows arn't worth a fardeii ! Why, I supposes as how that some straight-haired rascal, like that canting, humbug who took away Miss Susan the other day from mj^ house, to place her in the Magdalen, or in the Pcinii/ • something, to make her, as he said, happy, has been torturing of you : hai)py, did T say — I meant misi-rable. I I.IP'E IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 265 Therefore, my dear Katk, do not let such rascals get the best of you ! O dear, the thought of it is shocking, to a young lady like you, who has always had her own way ! How could you put ujj with being denied a draj) of drink, and not permitted to see any of your male friends? My dear, the truth is, I cannot part with you on such terms — you v^ould have more liberty allowed to you in a prison. You sliall come and live at my house, free of expense. I will make you hapjjy and comfortable, j'ou may depend upon it ; and where you may drink, eat, sleep, and see any- body you like, without control. Come, let us have another glass, 3Iiss Kate, you must be dry ; and give up all idcar of foreign parts." By this time Kate wa? quite seduced to the Old Beldam's purpose ; she became comjiletely intoxi- cated, and, with an oath, swore that she would not leave England for any person, but stick to old Mother as long as she lived, whom she thought, by her kind offer, was a real friend — such unfortunate influence had the liquor iipon her mind. Her abandoned habits, as a matter of course, under the direction of old Mother , were again resumed ; but she did not visit the Theatres, and other public places of amusement, in order that she might escape the vigilance of the Xight- Constable, and also to prevent a meeting with Tom, Jerry, and Logic. During the time the money lasted. Miss Kate, as she was termed, was treated with all the respect due to her ; and also, w^hile her wearing aj^parel produced the cash, she did not want for something like attention to her wants ; but when poverty stared her in the face — and no more money could be obtained from her purse, she was immediately stripped of the title of ii/i'.ss, driven from the parlour to the garret by the Old Beldam, and, in fact, she was considered nothing else but a burden to this establishment of iniquity. Kate was dail}' insulted by the appellation of a lazy b , by old Mother ; a quarrel was the result, and poor Kate, still proud enough in her sober moments to resent contemptuous treatment, in her whirlwind of passion, found herself again in the streets, without a house or home. 266 LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. The unfortunate Kate was now reduced to the last alternative. Night after night, she was compelled to prowl the most obscure alleys and gateways, in spite of wind and rain, with scarcely a rag to cover her nakedness, to keep her from starvation ; subject to the cruel usage and insults of the midnight ruffian, and oftener treated more like a beast than one of that tender sex to whom man stands so much indebted for his birth and comforts in this world. By day compelled to hide herself from the sight of the world, in a garret scarcely tenantable ; yet, with all its beggary and wretchedness, her priirdions were so great, that she was unable to satisfy the demands of a hard-hearted, unfeeling landlad}^, who was continually threatening to turn her out of doors, if she did not pay her rent. Her sufferings were bitter in the extreme ; no pen can portray them, and no tongue, however eloquent, can sufficiently bring them home to the human heart. Her cup of misery was filled to the brim ; nay, more, it was overflowing ; the climax was at hand, and there was no relief for the unfortunate Kate, but in death ; and well might she exclaim, in the words of the Poet :— Friend to the wretch whom every friend forsakes, I woo thee, Death ! In Fancy's fairy paths, Let the gay songster rove, and gently trill The strain of empty joy. Life and its joys I leave to those that prize them. At this hour, This solemn hour, when silence rules the world, And weakied Natuee makes a general pause, Wrapt in Night's sable robe, through cloisters drear, And charnels pale, tenanted by a throng Of meagre phantoms shooting across my path With silent glance, I seek the shadowy vale Of Death ! The unconquerable pride of Kate stuck by her till the last — she had given up all idea of reconciliation with her friends, and hopes in this world, when the horrid thought of self-destruction presented itself to her disordered mind ; and so firmly was she fixed in her purpose to put an end to her troubles, that the last money she raised at the jDawnbroker's LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 207 was a few pence to purchase a sufficient quantity of poison to destroy her life. For the last twenty-four hours of her existence, nothing had passed her lips ; her cupboard was destitute of the smallest sign of provision, and not even a paltry rushlight, to keep her from darkness. The night, too, was tremen- dous ; vivid flashes of lightning succeeding each other through the shattered casement, accompanied by loud and y terrific claps of thunder, worked her up to a pitch of mad- ness ; and exclaiming, " I can bear this horrid scene no longer ! " she seized hold of the phial which contained the poison, and b}" the aid of a flash of lightning, hastily drank off its contents, then threw herself upon the bed, to await her speedy dissolution. It was not long before the poison began to operate on her emaciated frame ; she started up in the greatest agony, writhing to and fro, from the baleful effects of the potion she had swallowed, and fell violently on the floor, uttering, in the most plaintive tones — ■" Oh, my poor father ! Mother, mother, do not curse your un- hapjjy child — Tom, Tom, it was my wish to have parted with you, but God forg " The last breath had now escaped her lips — and the horrid deed had been too fully accomplished. But if there is an hereafter, And that there is, Conscience, uninfluenced And suffered to speak out, tells every man, Then it must be an awful thing to die ! More horrid, yet, to die by one's own hand. Self-murder I name it not I Unheard-of tortures Must be reserved for such. The old landlady,* hearing something fall heavily upon * Persons living in the country, particularly those in retired life, can scarcely bring their minds to believe that such wretches have existence in the world : but, alas ! it is too true, that hundreds of old women, like the landlady of the unfortunate Kate, are to be met with in the worst parts of the Metropolis ; nothmg else hu^ Jieuds, in the shnpe of females, who are lost to every sense of feeling, save that of getting 268 LIFE IN AND OUT OK LONDON. the ground, accompanied, as she thought, with a groan, was induced to crawl up to the garret, to ascertain the cause, and likewise to inquire after her rent. On opening the door, she perceived the body of the unfortunate creature prostrate upon the floor (as represented in the plate), but instead of shewing anything like compassion towards Kate, she began to abuse the corpse. " Get up, you drunken beast ! " said she, " and do not lay there the whole of the night ! You had much better haA^e paid me my rent, you wretch, than to have squandered away the money in liquor ! Get up, I say " After calling her several times, she also touched the body of Kate with her foot ; but finding it had no effect, she lustily called out for help to the un- fortunate girls in the different rooms of her house. " Here, Nan, you faggot ! Ragged Bet ! Saucy Sal ! — come up, come ujD ! — the beast, I believe, is dead, or else sJianunuKj of it. What business had she to die here, I wonder, without paying my rent, and putting me to so much trouble and expense ! All the toggery upon her carcase wouldn't furnish a mop ! But it is just like the proud hunter. But she shan't lay long here : I'll soon have her out of my place. Sal, run to the workhouse, and tell the overseers to send a shell for her ; I am sure she has no friends to put her under ground." But this unfeeling brute in female attire had calculated rather too quickly upon the removal of the un- MONEY, and to procure whicli they would not hesitate to commit miu-- der. The sufferings and treatment experienced by the reduced, beg- gared pi'ostitiites, are terrifying beyond recital, when their personal appearance and dress cease to attract attention. The law does nut reach such characters, without some direct offence has been comniit- ted against the peace ; and then, by the influence of their money, thej' are enabled to procure tliat sort of evidence against the victims of poverty and distress, as to prove triumphant nine times out of ten. It it were possible for innocent females only to witness one of those afflict- ing scenes — to listen to the heart-rending tales of woe of some of the poor girls, respecting the modes adopted to decoy them from their homes, by the artifices and schemes of procuresses, the example would prove so terrilic, that many a poor wnjtch who has died imheciled and forgotten, might have livttl, and proved an ornainent to sociotj'. i LIFE IX AM) OUT OF LONDON. 200 fortunate creature from her wretched hovel of infainy. It was soon discovered by the parish officers that Cortnthiax Kate had died by poison ; and therefore a Coroner's inquest was absolutely necessary to be held upon the body. After a proj^er investigation of the matters connected with the subject, the Jury returned a verdict of insanity. Thus, dreadfully, to the feeling mind, terminated the thoughtless, abandoned career of the once-idolised, highly-flattered CoRiKTHiAN Kate ; and all the false pride, upstart vanity, and ruinous attempts at ambition, which had disgraced her character, and proved her overthrow in life, were consigned to the small space of a wooden-s/ie/l ! Dying in obscurity, likewise living under assumed names from time to time, her relatives and friends had lost all traces of her residence, and her body was not claimed for decent burial ; in conse- quence of which her unhappy remains were deposited amongst the paupers, in a free part of the parish burying- ground, exhibiting- an awful monument of one of those lamentable but too numerous examples of dissipated Life IX LoXDOX. The melancholy end of Kate's life would have remained for ever unknown to Logic and Jerry, and her flight to a foreisrn land have been considered as the cause of her not being seen, had not her death been discovered by the fol- lowing circumstance : — Ragged Bot, a low, impudent, brazen- faced jDrostitute, was brought before the ]S^ight- Cons table, on a charge of robbing a gent of his thimhie ; when that officer, recollecting her face as being one of the midnight- companions of the late unhappy Kate, questioned her very closely on the subject, and she related the above particulars concerning her flight, death, and burial. He immediately communicated the intelligence to Logic and Jerky, Avho liberally rewarded the Constable for his exertions, but, at the same time, made him enter into a solemn promise that he would keep the death of Kate, particularly under such melancholy circumstances, a profound secret from Corix- THiAX Tom. "As I am too well aware," said the Oxonian, " that ignorance must prove i/m- to his acute feelings, on a 270 LIFE IN AND OIT OF LONDON. subject more heart-rending to him than any other circum- stance connected with the whole history of his life." The absence of the High-bred One from Corinthian House, ultimately began to create inquiries after his wel- fare, by Tom and Jerry ; and the fat Knight also declared, that he was equally in the dark, as to the neglect of his long friend Splinter towards the party ; but he was rather apprehensive for his safety, as he had not seen him since their excursion on the water ; he then left Splinter in a high gale of wind, and it was not unlikely but he might have been blown away. " No, no," said Logic, smiling, "• I should rather have it, that the Long One is ^ icanfed : ' the Z/A^;/ /'-finder and he, when last together, I know well, could not agree upon any terms ; and some indirect threats were made against the person of Splinter, by Old Screw, if he did not fulfil certain contracts within a specified time ; which, I am sure, from the deranged state of his finances, and his extravagant disposition, he cannot ; therefore, I should not be surprised if he was, at this present moment, under the especial protection of the King's servants, and also ordered by his bod// physician to drink the Dolphin Wafers for a few weeks, for the benefit of his constitution." " The Dolphin Waters ! Dolphin Waters ! " echoed Sir John, " they are quite new to me ; I never heard of them before. What are the peculiar qualities they are distin- guished for in the opinions of the doctors ? What con- plainfs are they good for. Bob ? But I suppose thc}^ re- quire a trip to the Continent, to drink of them ? Be kind enough to let me know all about their efficacy." " You will have no occasion. Sir John," replied the Oxo)iian, with a comical face, that would have set all gravity at defiance, "to go to the Continent to drink of the Dolphin Wafers, although it is absolutely necessary that you must cross the water before you can obtain relief. It has been very strongly urged that, upon most points, ' doctors disagree ; ' but, ratlier strange to state, yet undoubtedly true, the learned doctors are all agreed that the Dolphin Waters are LIFE IX AND OUT OV LOXDOX. 271 gool for ALL co/np/aiiifs ! and speedy rtV/p/" may be obtained by the use of them. They have a wonderful effect in stop- pnges of the dicst ; they likewise have a kind of cleariiKj quility, something after the manner of StiAKESPfiRE, to Minister io a mind diseased; Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, Eaze out tlie written troubles of the brain ; And, with some oblivious antidote, Cleanse the stuff' d bosom of that perilous stuff Which weighs ujion the heart ! They also give you the opportunity of ascertaining your exact value in society, and enable you to distinguish your real from your pretended friends. Their virtues are so well known in all parts of England, that folks far and near come to drink of them ; nay, man}" persons have left the East Indies to partake of their imrifyincj qualities. In short, the gay old cock becomes renovated in the same space of time as the young sprig. Age is no bar to their efScacy upon the constitution ; and the boasted advantages appertaining to youth, in this instance, gain nothing by it. The Dolphin Waters may likewise be had gratis ; yet several persons have been fastidious enough to refuse to drink of them ; but there is no accounting for matters of taste !" " Bravo, BoiJ ! " rej)lied Tom ; " your dissertation on the efficacy of the DoJjjhin Waters does credit to your understanding ; but I am rather surprised. Sir Johx, that you should have suffered yourself to have been got into such a line by the Oxonian ; however, I will ciit the matter short — take a stroll into the King's Bench, and, if you require any further explanation respecting the Dolphin Waters, you will find plenty of the Collegians quite eloquent upon the subject." " Well, I must confess," answered the fat Knight, " that I have been completely deceived by Mr Logic ; but, never- theless, the description of the Dolphin Waters has been so well xcorked-up, in such an artist-like manner, by my friend Bob, that I candidly acknowledge I am more pleased with the information I have obtained respecting their qualities than otherwise." 272 LIFE IN AND OLT OF LONDON. The absence of the Iligh-hred One was soon exphiined by the following note, received by Logic : — " Dear Bob, " This does not come /^ojj-piug ; in truth, I wish I could hop to you : but Old Screw has turned round upon me, before I was aware of his intentions, and deprived me of giving him one of my quickest securities — LEG-bail ! Nevertheless, I am indebted to the kindness of Old Screw for a seaire residence ; he has also placed me out of ' harm's way,' where duns dare not intrude ; nor can any danger be apprehended from the carts and horses. Communicate the agreeahle intelligence to ToM, Jerry, and Sir John, that I am ' taken care of ; ' likewise, that I keep good hours, and am always to be found ' at home.' Give me a friendlj' call without delay, and I remain, " Yours truly, " Tim Splinter. " Banco Regis, 6 in 2." "Splinter is splintered /" exclaimed Logic; " he is all to pieces, and it will be a few weeks, I am afraid, before he can be made ic/tole again ! " I am not at all surprised, but very sorry, at this piece of intelligence," answered Sir Johx. " Indeed, to tell the truth, I have long expected such an intimation respecting Splinter, as this note contains. I heard he lost a large sum at ^^/r?// the other evening ; and his very expensive establishment " "Yes," said the Oxonian, " horses, dogs, play, rich wines, fine women, and a few other little necessary apjDcndages, to obtain the character of a man of fashion in London, require rather a long and a strong purse to keep the game alive ; but as our friend, you know. Sir John, was only the sjjlinfer of a heavy swell, it surely cannot be surprising that he has broken down in the race." " Misfortunes to you, Bob, seem * trifles light as air,' " observed the Corinthian ; " and you always endea- vour to put a good face upon a bad matter. You certainly have great pretensions to the character of a philosopher." " I feel obliged, Tom, by the compliment you have paid to me," replied Logic, " but whether I am entitled to the cha- racter of a PHiLosoi'HER Or not, it has always been my maxiin hitherto through my career, and it is likewise my intention to act upon the same princii)le to tlie end of the LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. 273 cli ipter — to ' hear up ' against the vicissitudes of this life. The Revolution of a few days in London performs miracles. I have ^vitnessed the great banker, supposed to be worth millions at ten o'clock in the morning, reduced to his last shilling by dinner-time, and, before night, locked up in jail, as a debtor. I have also seen the wheel of fortune* turn round, and change a pauper, in the course of a few fleeting hours, into the rich landed proprietor ; therefore, a man under any circumstances, however desperate, in my humble opinion, should always hope for the best, and rather cling to the cheerful side of the picture — under the consolatory reflection, that his misfortunes might have been worse — than, coward- like, suffer his spirits to be cast down, pine and fret, and ultimately break down under his burden." " That is exactly my idea uj)on the subject," said Jerry, " and I propose that we lose no time, but all of us pay Splinter a visit, to wdtness how he bears up * against restraint ! ' " " Restraint ! " echoed the Oxonian, " you can scarcely term it confinement. It is true, that 3'ou cannot hunt, shoot, course, sport your tandem, or drive your barouche ; but your mind may be actively employed in the College ; you can read, study, or draw ; and, as for exercise, what can be finer for the constitution than a game of fives, or a match at rackets. It is equally true, that you are under lock and key, and separated at nine o'clock in the evening from your wives, friends, and acquaintances, which is rather a touching affair to the feelings, I must admit ; but throughout the whole of the day, from half-past eight in the morning, the intercourse is perfectly free from anything like restraint ; and a prisoner f may manage his affairs with considerable * At one period of the career of Napoleon, it might have been considered a safe bet, £500 to £1, that the Bourbons were never rein- stated on the throne of France ; yet such are the changes in this life, that the almost conqueror of the world died an exile in St. Helena ; and Louis the Eighteenth, after an absence from France for nearly twenty-two years, was restored to his kingdom and his crown. t This term is considered rather like a note out of tune, upon the ears of the persons in Banco Beyis, and it is only novices who make T ► 274 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. expedition. Indeed, convenience and assistance to tlie Col- legians liave been studied ; and messengers are always in attendance, to convey messages to any part of the Metropolis, and who return with answers with the utmost facility. It is likewise well known, that several persons who have been sent to tlds College, destitute of the smallest coin belonging to his Majesty's realm, have, in a short time, procured a decent living inside, who would have been totally at a loss to have obtained half a maintenance outside of Banco Regis. It can scarcely be denominated a prison — if confinement is the argument." To visit the " High-bred One " was now the object in view, and Tom, Jerry, Logic, and the " fat Knight," were soon ushered into the presence of Splinter, in Banco Regis. The " High-bred One" met them full of confidence, appeared quite cheerful, and perfectly at his ease. " I am always at Jwme,'^ said he to Sir John, " without the fear of ' trouhJe- some customers ; ' * a knock at the door does not annoy me use of it ; therefore, the appellation of Collegian is not only urged to possess more harmony in the sound, but the etymology of the phrase is considered indisputable by the Aljjha and Omega Gents. Banco Regis, most certainly, is a College, in every sense of the word — it con- tains lots of ivranyhrs ; and also, it cannot be denied, that numbers of iynorant folks, who have been sent to study only for a few weeks within its walls, hoiv to improve their situations in life, have left Banco Begis much wiser in the head, if not richer in the pocket ! * Duns, loungers, small-talkers, and fellows who want to fill up their time at the expense of other people, must look in upon some of their acquaintances, to make out the day, and who thus rob literary men, artists, &c., of their most valuable stock in trade — time ! It was the opinion of an artist of celebrity, that he never enjoyed so much " real liberty of the subject " as during the time he was compelled to take up his residence in the Fleet Prison. To use his own words, " My mind," said he, "was quite free from the harass of duns; my studies were never interrupted without I permitted them ; and if, by chance, I was annoyed by any persons, I had only to go to the gate, and express my disaiiprobation to the turnkey, and the intruders, whether he or she, were instantly lockcd-out ! " This latter phrase may appear rather strange to the novice ; but it is true, that several persons have felt more hiu-t at the 2^i<'>tishment of being locked-out against their will, than hundreds of those characters who are IvcJied-iv for suspicion of debt. LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 275 as heretofore ; and those friends who honour me with a call are never disappointed. I am surrounded, as you perceive, with all sorts of characters — suspicious ones, no doubt ; but as I am not an inquisitive sort of cfiap, I do not trouble myself — in fact, I am not industrious enough to become acquainted with their affairs ; and, as a matter of course, I keep my own secrets. Therefore, my dear friends, do not expect any enter- tainment from me, in the auecdote line, respecting my Brother Collegians. Eiitre )ious, I will be explicit : the amount which has sent me to College, many persons of fashion would deem a mere trifle ; others, whose ideas of life are more confined, lift up their eyes, and call it a large sum ! * Be that as it may, the evil day could no longer be put off ; and I must exert myself to get over \ny difficulties. It is my intention to act honourably to all parties ; therefore I do not mean to neglect the opportunity which presents itself. I have been too long in the dark ; my eyes are now opened, as to future prospects — and I have no inclination to remain a Collegian the remainder of my life. It is one consolation to my feel- ings, that, although taken in execution, my creditors cannot hung me." " I am glad to find you in such good spirits," observed Logic, smiling ; " have you made out your Bvnefit-hiU f " " Not yet," replied Splinter ; " it will require considera- tion : it contains too mucb tragedy for some folks, and not enough comedy in it for others. It partakes more of the melo-drama ; the various scenes depict the thoughtless spendthrift — the runaway pursued by John Doe and Richard Roe : the hero, at length, touched with his misfortunes — secured in the fortress — and waiting in suspense for the day * It has been a matter of dispute, whether the hlot does not r- main the same on a man's esctdclicon, in the eyes of the world, no matter under what circumstances he might have been relieved from his debts by the benefit of the Insolvent Act. The sum is of little consec|uence, in the opinion of society ; and the finger of scorn is j ust as likely to be pointed (as to the principle of the thing) at the man who has been tvhiteioushtd for a pair of top-boots, as against the individual who " has ylveii it,'' as the term goes, " for tens of thousands to his creditors ! " 276 LIFE IN ANP OUT OF LONDON. of judgment." " I am aware it must be a long bill," an- swered the Oxonian ; " and a ' New Way to Pay Old Debts,' will be rather too hacknied a piece for you ; therefore, if you would allow me to dictate to you, I should propose the farce of ' Lock and Key ; ' also, by way of prelude, the ' Schedule Fever;"* and the whole to conclude with 'The Dis- charge!'" "Nothing could be more to the purpose," said Splinter, " but I am afraid the Manager would not sign it ; besides, I am not exactly up in the part yet ; and I should not like to be detected as imperfect in my tale before the public, and sent back to College to re-study my character. However, a truce to any more jokes on a serious subject, Bob ! " " You are quite aware, Sir John," observed Splinter, " that the Collegians must not be seen at Epaoni ; t neither can we shew ourselves at Ascot ; nor are we able to put in an appearance at Doncaster Races ; but, nevertheless, there are moments of enjoyment within our reach, and we con- tent ourselves with the variety of sports catered for our amusement at ' Tenterden Park Races ! ' " "I never heard of those Races before the present instance, and I believe they cannot be found in the Racing Calendar," said Sir John ; " therefore, with all your sang froid, Mr Splinter, I am not to be imposed upon — Tenterden Park Paees,+ in- * A sort of uneasiness, or, rather, a disease of the mind. The inhabi- tants of Banco Regis are very subject to this disorder ; more especially as the day draws near for the investigation of their accounts. This fever is attended with doubts and fears, accompanied with serious apprehensions that opposition may be made against their schedules, when before the Commissioners at the Court, in order to prevent their discharge ! t Without Epsom Races should occur during Term time ; then the case is altered, and the Collegian can obtain a horse to carry him to the Downs, " to transact his affairs," provided he complies with the Bules to be observed on euch occasions. J Formerly denominated Abbott's Priory ; but, since the elevation of the learned Pundit to the Peerage, in honour of the noble Lord, they are now called Tenterden Park Paces. This celebrated Park is en- T.TFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 277 deed ! ha ! ha ! " " Upon my honour," replied the " High- bred 0)ie," " I am in earnest : you are now in Tenterden Park ; and in the course of an hour the sports will com- mence. Come with me, Sir John, and be satisfied of the truth of the matter, by the written bill you see pasted against the wall." SPOETS AT TENTERDEN PARK RACES. Tlie Cameza Stakes, for Fillies of all ages — either insiders or outsiders of the College — weights out of the question — the ladies to shift for themselves : HEATS. Mr Chum Ticket's Five Bob Green. Counsellor Bail-above's Fancy ----- Blue. Mr Jigger Dubber's Screw ------ Pink. Mr Solicitor Habeas' s Remove ----- Yelloiv. Mr Outsider's Liberty -------- Wliite. The Kid Stakes, or Nvb Work. — Five rolls, covered with treacle, suspended by strings ; the boys to have their hands tied behind them ; the kid who knaws off the first roll shall receive two boh. Also, the boy who first selects sixpence out of a bushel of flour in a tub, with his mouth, will be entitled to one shilling and sixpence, and no charge made for the flour. Lastly, Bobbing for Oranges out of a hogshead of water ; the winner shall not only be presented with the oranges which his mouth has obtained, but receive one shilling, and have his water-excursion free of expense. To conclude with picking up a number of stones, placed one yard distant ; and likewise a Gingling Match : if the man who agitates the tinkler is caught within the space of twenty minutes, the bell shall not only be taken from his possession, but the winner shall re- ceive a leg of mutton, and be allowed the liberty to invite as many coves as he likes to partake of the mutton, when dressed for supper, and no questions asked. By order of the Committee. God save the King. closed by a high brick- wall, in order to prevent the stare of the vulgar ; indeed, as Splinter jocularly observed, the ladies cannot even obtain a peep at the dear fellows ! It is true, the Racing Ccdendar does not recognise them ; but, however accurate that journal may be in most respects, it does not announce all the s2^orts in the kingdom. 278 LIFE IN AND OUT OF T,ONDON. " If you cast your eyes, Sir John, towards tlie lainp-posf, you will perceive an article floating in the air, ornamented with blue ribbons, and also a fine leg of mutton hanging by its side, prizes for the successful candidates." " I do," an- swered the " uncommonly big Gentleman," " and one of the articles you allude to appears to me the nearest garment worn by a female — that is, a shift!'' "Exactly so," said Splinter, " but termed here, by the young and old Col- legians, the ' Cameza Stakes,' for fillies * of all ages, one heat ; and I have no doubt but excellent sport will be wit- nessed in the races, as you are quite aware. Sir John, that the exertions of the ladies must, at all times, be admitted interesting." " I think," observed Jerry, " if you had stated in your bill of fare, ' The Adventures of a Chemise ; or, an opportunity for the ladies to shift for themselves,' you might have obtained more subscribers." The young females, who were induced to put their best leg foremost, for this most essential article belonging to a lady's wardrobe, were all outsiders, upon whom Fortune had not showered her richest favours ; they voluntarily entered themselves at the post, and were also named after some well-known Gents in the College. This sporting sort of christening produced a great deal of merriment ; but, nevertheless, it was deemed necessary by the spectators, in order to offer bets upon the first and second favourites with something like certainty, and likewise to decide as to the winner, who might claim the title of Heroine of the Chemise. Tom, Jerry, Logic, and the "fat Knight," entered into all the spirit of the sports ; and the Corinthian declared that he had been highly amused by the variety of prizes given by the Stewards of Teuterden Park Races. " Yes," replied Splinter, '* I am hapj)y to inform you that the sport this day has so much diverted the Collegians, that * This jilirase is now so commonly used in a sporting point of view, without meaning anj^ offence to the fair sex, that it woukl be almost too fadidiims to make any objections to it in this instance — the CiiHi'iiid.us we cannot accuse of want of gullantry. I-TFE IN AM) OUT OF LOiNUON. 270 most of them have not had time to give their own all'air.s a single thought : the blue devils have been beaten out of the field, and their minds much relieved : — Pale Melancholy sat retired ! But, O, how altered was its sprightlier tone, When Cheerfulness, a nj-mph of healthiest hue, Her bow across her shoulder flung. Her buskins gemm'd with morning dew, Blew an insj^iring air, that dale and thicket rung I Such are the advantages of ' Away with Melancholy ' upon the constitution, in a place of confinement ; and I regret that a late Law Lord* should have thought it necessary to abridge the amusements of the Collegians ; his intentions were, I have no doubt, calculated, in his mind, to answer the best purposes ; but cheerful men are more likely to do themselves and their creditors justice than persons of an ill- natured disposition, or those characters who have been soured by repeated disappointments in life." " I perfectly coincide with your sentiments," said Logic, " and I feel well assured that men labouring under depres- sion of spirits cannot conduct their affairs with ability. I am also very glad to see you so well reconciled to your cage ; I must confess that I did not expect to meet you so cheerful."t " In truth," answered Splinter, " I have no complaints to make against the treatment I have hitherto experienced from all the TutorsX in the College ; indeed, * The games of skittles and four-corners were formerly allowed for the amusement of persons confined in Banco Regis, until they were prohibited by the late Lord Kenyon. t The late Dr Goldsmith observed on this subject — " For my own part, I never pass by one of our prisons for debt, that I do not envy that felicity which is still going forward among those people, who forget the cares of the world by being shut out from its ambition." I TurnJceys. These persons may be viewed in the light of Tutors ; they have it in their power to make comj^laints to the Head of the College, if their instructions are not attended to by the Collegians. The punislivient is of the most summary nature ; the Superior can order the offending party to be locked in the strong-room for a week, or a month, at his discretion, without any appeal. 280 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. their deportment to me has been of the most civil desciip- tion. If every inmate of Banco Regis keeps an eye upon his own conduct, and attends to the instructions offered to his notice, he will have little to apprehend from the terrors of the strong-room." Our heroes partook of a capital dinner with Splinter, in his room, 6 in 2, ordered at the expense of Sir John Blubber, and made themselves as jolly over their wine, and as much at -their ease, as if they had been seated in the fat Knight's Snuggery. ''The day of judgment will arrive," said Logic, jocosely, " and I hope, Splinter, you will be bang-up with your answers, in case of opposition, when presented to the Commissioners." "I have not exactly made up my mind on the subject," answered the " High- bred One ; " " indeed, I shall, if possible, avoid the Act altogether." " You had much better," said the Oxonian, with a grin upon his countenance, " if you do not possess a good swallow." " I do not comprehend your meaning, ex- actly," replied Splinter; "I think I have satisfied you this day that I possessed a capital appetite at dinner ! " " Pshaw ! I do not allude to your appetite," urged Logic — " if you cannot swallow your carriage and horses, your dogs, your villa, &c., or, in other words, gulj) them down your throat at once, there will be little hopes for a gentleman in your predicament to hop, skip, and jump over the Insolvent Act with ease and propriety." " I am still in the dark," said Splinter. " You were not wont to be so dull, cousin," answered Logic ; " however, I will render myself intelli- gible to you bej^ond all doubt ; and the Corinthian, who was an eye-witness of the circumstance, will confirm my assertion. A few days since, Tom, Jerry, and myself strolled into the Court, when a Deaf and Dumb man, of the Jewish persuasion, presented himself to the notice of the Commissioners, to obtain his discharge under the Act of Parliament. " The Deaf and Dumb Man made motions with his fin- gers, by way of answers to the questions put to him in I.IFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 281 writing, and rendered himself perfectly intelligible to the Court. He had originally been an itinerant dealer in very poor articles in the trinket line, which he carried in a box before him through the streets of London ; by degrees, however, he gave up the box for a little shop, and ulti- mately became a general merchant of some consequence. He was opposed on account of several valuable gold watches, and other articles of jewellery, which he had not accounted for in his schedule ; and when asked, by the proper officer of the court, what he had done with them, the Deaf and Dumb Man, without any hesitation, opened his mouth as wide as possible, and pointed with his finger down his throat, signifying that he had swalloiced them ; or, in other words, that he had lived ujDon the gold watches, and found them capital food. Several other articles of the same description he had also sicalloiced, without the least difficulty ; but in the course of the examination there appeared to the Counsel who opposed the Deaf and Dumb Man a stumbling-block which he thought it wotdd be impossible for him to get over. Being asked what had become of several tons' weight of iron, made up in immense bars, he, with the utmost sa)ig froid, again opened his mouth — in fact, almost stretched it from ear to ear, after the celebrated clown, Joey Grimaldi's, mode of extension — and pointing his finger as before down his throat, signified likewise that he had sicalloiced the im- mense bars of iron. This settled the business, by the Com- missioner observing to the learned Counsel that the Deaf and Dumb Man appeared to have such a good digestion, it would perfectly be a waste of time to put any more ques- tions to him upon the subject, it being quite clear to the Court that, if it had suited the Deaf and Dumb Man, the Monument would scarcely have pj-oved enough for his breakfast, Westminster Abbey merely a dinner, and his digestive qualities were of so disjjosable a nature, that ST PAUL'S might be dished up as a tit-bit for his supper." " Yes," said Jerry, " he certainly proved himself dmnb to his creditors, deaf to his accounts, but completely up to the Act of Parliament." "I cannot make a turnpike-road of my throat," replied 282 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Splinter ; " neither is my tongue capacious enough for a race-course ; and my /«p.s, I am confident, cannot be made tcide enough to admit a pack of hounds ; therefore, the sub- ject is at an end for the present. But, before we separate this evening, let us pop into the Free and Easy Club at the Tap, and take a parting glass over some Imperial. I will not say much for the chaunting, although in many instances above mediocrity ; but I praise the intent of the meeting, and, while I remain at College, I shall always give it my warmest support. A dull hour is not only got rid of with mirth and humour, but what is much better, the cause of Charity is served here with a sincerity of feeling that is not often met with at the most eloquent charity sermon ; and the best-bred men of family and distinction in Banco Regis feel it no disgrace to act as presidents upon such occasions." * Our heroes enjoyed themselves up to the last minute ; in fact, until the watchman proclaimed the hour, and cleared the room of its inmates. " We shall soon meet again," said Sir John, " and, I hope, under better circum- stances, Splinter ; therefore, the best advice I can give you is, to get OUT as fast as possible." * In numerous cases, several prisoners who have been discharged by the Act, but detained in Banco Regis for the amount of their fees, have not only by the above means been enabled to relieve themselves at the gate, but the subscriptions collected of pence, sixpences, and shillings, entirely voluntarily, at the above Club, have enabled several worthy objects to pay their coach fare to the extremity of the kingdom, discharge their expense on the road, and also have a little money left in their pockets, to purchase jDrovisions for a week or two, when re- turned to the bosom of their iamilies, who otherwise might have re- mained incarcerated, in a starving condition, for mouths. The Col- legians are likewise extremely loyal ; they never close the meeting without the anthem of God save the King. Six and seven pounds have been collected on several occasions, according to the merits of the petitioner ; and a second subscription has been commenced, if the first collection was found to be insufficient. CHAPTER XIV. A Peep at the Tower of London. The last Vmt to " the Snuggery : " icant of resolatioii, and the dangerous effects of Champagne on gay minds. Jerry, in a state of inebriation, decoyed, by a dashing Cyprian, into a public Brothel : the Hotel on Fire during the night, and the " Young One " narrou-ly escapes ivith his life. His feelings undergo a complete change. An outline of the Cyprian's history, Ellen Prettyflower : her refor- mation in consequence of the fire, and entrance into the Female Penitentiary- Jerry determined to give up all thoughts of Life in London ; to retire from the Day and Night Scenes altogether : moralises on his late imminent danger, and almost miraculous escape from death. Logic rapidly declines in health. The Ox- onian makes his Will. His advice to Jerry before his Exit. Epitaph on Logic, ivritten by the Corin- thian. After viewing the curiosities and antiquities in the Tower of London, with the utmost satisfaction and delight, our heroes, according to appointment, went to dine and spend the day with Sir John at his " Snuggery.^' The " uncom- monly hig Gentleman " received them in the warmest man- ner possible ; but observed, " I wish ' the bird* in yonder cage confined' was here; then we should be complete." " The last time I was at the Snuggery,'^ said Jerry, " I got very tipsy, and the result was extremely disgraceful to my character. I lost my clothes in a low brothel ; and had it not been for the kindness and attention of my friend Bon, I should have been disgustingly exposed before the public ; therefore, if I am rather shy with the glass to-night, you * Splikter, in Banco Regis. 284 LIFE I^' AND OUT OF LON'DOX. must excuse me, Sir John, as I am determined to guard against any accidents of a similar nature." " It is all free will at the Snuggery,'^ replied Sir John ; " please youi'self, and I shall not find fault with 3^our conduct." During the early part of the evening, Jerry was cautious in the ex- treme ; every glass he put to his lips was done in fear ; and the old adage, it should seem, was continually before his eyes, " Oh, that a man should put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains;" and he reluctantly did honour to the bumper-toasts of the fat Knight. But the fascinating company of Tom, more especially when enlivened by the " gaily circling glass ; " the jolly sort of conduct of Sir John, who at his own table was particularly distinguished for his hospitality and rich wines ; the life and fun displayed by Logic at all times, added to several other bons vivants who made up the party, ultimately overturned the resolution of poor Jerry. The reserce of the " Yoimg One " ha^'ing entirely left him, he proposed bumper-toasts in return, and was not a jot behind the gayest of them in tossing off his glass. Sir John had passed the meridian, and was singing the following song to Jerry, although scarcely able to articulate : — The glass, like the globe, shall go round, While friends and good claret abound. In spite of your grave preaching thinker, A good fellow means a good drinker ; When " past three o'clock " shall resound, Should any one prudently sober be found. We'll give him the nick-name of Shrinker ! The whole of the party by this period had become con- siderably altered in their demeanour, from the copious draughts of wine they had stcallowed during the evening. Tom was rather mellow, but correct ; Logic was not quite up to the mark, yet another glass or two might have unshipped his rudder, and rendered him as troublesome as the rest of his companions. Jerry was completely done over ; he had given the " view- halloo ! " so many times at the request of the comjjany, that he had become quite hoarse ; and he had I LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 285 also toasted his " Mary " twenty times, at least, and offered to back the " Bud of the Rose" for beaut}^, shape, make, taste, talents, and every other quality in the world, against anything in the form of a petticoat in Somersetshire, for all he was worth, and a sovereign beside ! " You ought to have said Rosebud," said Logic. "Call a rose by ," accompanied by a tipsy hiccovigh, answered Jerry ; " you know what I mean. Bob." The "uncommonly big Gentle- man " was also quite abroad, roaring out, " Life's a bumper," with a large bumper full of champagne in his hand ; and the City companions of the fat Knight were equally as uproari- ous, singing, " O, bring me wine, bring me wine ! " The Corinthian, perceiving all harmony was at an end in the Snuggery, ordered his carriage to the door ; but Jerry was not to be found ; he had slipped out of the room, un- perceived by the company. Search was instantly made after the Young One, but without effect, when Tom and Logic drove off to Corinthian House, leaving Jerry to find his way home through the City in the best manner he could, or to run the risk of being captured by the guardians of the night. Unfortunately, drunken men, in general, think themselves tciser than their neighbours ; and poor Jerry, it will appear, had fallen under this error. The Young One thought he had had quite enough tipple, if not rather too much, and therefore intended to get home upon the shj ; and he left the Snuggery under these circumstances. Jerry staggered over Tower Sill tolerably well ; reeled down Cornliill and Cheapside, so as to have escaped notice ; zig-zagged by that noble piece of antiquity, St Paul's Cathedral, better than could have been expected, and was getting over the ground tidili/, although his steps were of an in-and-out description, towards Temple Bar, when the progress of our hero was arrested by the advances of a dashing Cyprian. According to Fitch's song in the Beggar's Opera, " 'Tis woman that seduces all mankind ; " and under this influence, the inebriated Jerry was decoyed into a well-known Hotel, dedicated to gaiety and pleasure. 286 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Scarcely had our hero been in bed an hour, before the Hotel was comj)letely in flames ; and notwithstanding the alarm in the neighbourhood by the ringing of bells, the rattles of the watchmen, the noise of the populace assembled in the streets, and the horrible screams of the unfortunate women in the brothel, Jerry was so fast asleep, that his poramour, at the hazard of her life, endeavoured to make him sensible of his danger. After considerable difficulty to arouse him from his stupor, he opened his eyes, and starting up in the bed, he was assailed by the cries and entreaties of his female companion, " You will be a dead man. Sir, if you remain here a minute longer; for God's sake, let us try to make our escape ! " Jerry was so stupid from the fumes of the liquor operating on his brain, that he could scarcely comprehend her meaning, until he saw the flames bursting forth from all parts of the Hotel. No time was to be lost — he snatched up his trowsers, as the only article of dress he could put on, and was compelled to leave every- thing else belonging to him at the mercy of the destructive element ; and, although his own existence was in imminent danger, yet gratitude and gallantry united taught him that the life of his female companion, who had so feelingly exerted herself in his behalf, required his assistance. Jerry, there- fore, boldly fought his way through the flames, with her in his arms, and was successful enough to get her down the stairs, and into the street, without experiencing any hurt ; yet she appeared more like a corjjse than an animated being, having fainted, from the terror of the scene by which she had been surrounded. Indeed, it was a truly affecting and dreadful spectacle. By this time, the engines had arrived, and one of the firemen conducted our hero, with his charge, to a place of safety, a j)ublic-house in the neighbour- hood. In the fervour of the moment, and with a sincerity of heart that would have done honour to the piety of an aged Archbishop, he " thanked God for his preservation ! " The exertions of Jerry were now no longer required ; his spirits immediatel)^ left him, ho fell back in his chair, quite exhausted, and some minutes elapsed before he recovered from a swoon. He had now a few leisure moments to re- LIFE IN AND OI'T OF LONDON. 2S7 fleet upon his unhappy situation — the horrors of the late scene had sobered him almost to madness ! His clothes were destroyed ; his splendid gold watch and seals, the gift of the Corinthian, lost ; his pocket-book, bank-notes, and letters, were burnt, and a small miniature of Mary Rose- bud irretrievably gone. He immediately sent for the land- lord of the public-house, and whispered to " mine host " his respectable connexions in London, but told him that secrecy was necessary, which, if he truly kept, he should be well paid for his trouble anrl attention. The landlord procured him clothes without delay, and also offered him the loan of any money he might want : but not so the landlady ; she very reluctantly afforded the use of her garments to the unfortunate female in distress. " Me," said she, giving her head a most indignant toss, " lend any of my nice clothes, indeed, to any such sort of low, wicked varment ? Such wretches ought all of them to be burnt ! I wish the fireman had been smothered in the smoke, before he had brought such a crew into my house ! " "Hush! hush!" answered her husband, and whispered into her ear that the person was a gentleman, and they would be well paid for their trouble ! "Oh," said she, "that alters the case amazingly — I always feel pity for the unfortunate. I am exceedingly sorry for your situation ; poor dear creature, you shall have the use of my best silk dress, my new stays, silk stockings — nay, anything that I have got in my house. How vei-y fortunate, my dear, to think that you have escaped with your life ! " Jerry was soon attired in the clothes of the landlord, who being nearly the same size as our hero, he became them very well ; but his unfortunate charge, who was of a delicate, lady-like appearance, was completely metamorphosed in the wearing apparel of the huge land- lady. Some tea was brought in by the landlord for their refreshment. Jerry, who had not time before to con- template the person or character of his companion in misfortune, was now struck with the beauty of her face, although her cheeks were bathed in tears : on handing her a cup of tea, she thanked our hero for his great exertions in saving her life, and also for his kindness and attention to 288 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. her under such very peculiar and distressing circumstances — here she sobbed aloud, and appeared to be labouring under the most severe mental anguish, and was unable to continue her conversation, until relieved by a flood of tears. Her tone of voice was so plaintive, and her manner of speak- ing so mild and interesting, that Jerry encouraged her to proceed with her story : after considerable embarrassment, she resumed the discourse. " Our meeting," said she, " has been of that appalling nature, the recollection of which fills me with so much horror, that I am ashamed to look you in the face. But the terrors of this night have awakened me to a proper sense of my disgraceful situation in society, and I am determined instantly to pursue another course of life ; and once more, by a change of name, and change of conduct, obtain by in- dustry a respectable footing in the eyes of the world." " Excellent ! " exclaimed Jerry, " and rely upon my exer- tions and purse to second your good intentions. I am delighted with your resolution ; the horrors of this night have also had a sort of magical effect upon my feelings ! I am not what I was ! Indeed, I shall be a different fellow altogether in future. Only act up to what you have as- serted, and you shall find in me a sincere, nay, a virtuous friend, to the end of my existence. Treat me with candour ; acquaint me with your name, the outline of your disgrace, and, in the sacred name of honour, I will inviolably keep your secret. Perhaj)s, this meeting, which commenced under circumstances of censure, may, nevertheless, let us hope, ultimately produce the happiest consequence to both of us during the remainder of our days ; more especially as nothing of a criminal nature has passed between us." " Your words, generous Sir, have operated upon my heart like some reviving cordial," replied the unfortunate girl, overwhelmed with tears, " and I will be candid to you ; nay more, I will not use the slightest rescrre, and bo as concise as possible. My native place is Bath, and ray name Ellkn Prettyflower. I was the delight of my parents, LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 289 who were persons of property, and, being an only child, no expense was spared on my education. Indeed, I was in- dulged with every pleasure that I wished to partake of, — nothing was denied to me ; and to my sorrow, I am now com- pelled to confess, with an aching heart, that I had too much liberty for a girl of my age, only eighteen ; in consequence of which I became acquainted with a Captain of Light Dragoons. This connexion, however, I kept an entire secret from my parents. He was what the ladies called a handsome fellow ; a man of the most insinuating address, and well versed in all the arts and finesse calcidated to de- ceive an unsuspecting and weak female. I believed his protestations of love to me were sincere, and, unhappily for myself, I became flattered and fond of his attentions. He pressed me to consent to a private marriage with him in London, under a pretence that the consent of his father might be refused, as he was entirely dependent on his parent for property ; but that, after our union, I should be introduced, with proper respect, to his relatives and friends. In an unguarded moment, I listened to his specious tale, and consented to elope with him from the residence of my distracted parents. On our arrival in the Metropolis, our marriage was postponed from day to day, under repeated excuses, and, when too late for my peace of mind, I found out I had been deceived, betrayed, nay, ruined ! [Here a flood of tears interrupted her narrative. ~\ In less than three weeks, this base deceiver found an occasion to pick a quarrel, and, in an angry fit, totally deserted me, and went abroad. I was left without a shilling, considerably in debt, and a total stranger in London. I was stung to death by his cruel, treacherous, and unmanly conduct. I was ashamed to write home to my parents for forgiveness ; thus one error produces others, and in a week or two I was distressed to starvation. As long as my wearing apparel lasted, I procured subsistence — I resisted temptation, entreaties, and golden offers, until nearly expiring wath want — when the pangs of hunger, the dread of being turned into the streets as a beggar, no house to cover me, or sent to prison for debt, and instigated by bad advice— Oh, dreadful recollec- u 290 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. tion — I prosfifuted my person to obtain a livelihood ! " Here Ellen Prettyflower would have fainted, had it not been for the kind attention and soothing manners of Jerry. " I hope God will forgive my errors — I will become a sincere penitent, and compose my sorrows in private re- pentance and prayers, either in the Female Penitentiary or the Magdalen. Assist me, dear Sir, to forward my views without delay, and I shall most gratefully look upon you henceforward as my best benefactor and sincerest friend." Jerry was sensibly affected at the recital of the mis- fortunes of his female companion, and as he wiped off the tear of sincerity which stole down his cheeks, he said," Come, cheer up, Miss Ellen ; the residence of my father is con- tiguous to Bath, and I have considerable interest in that part of the country. Everything in my power shall be exerted to reinstate you in the good opinion of your family ; we must all forget and forgive ; and let me impress on you the necessity of keeping your own secret, and I promise you, it shall never escape my lips ; therefore, cheer up, and look forward to better prospects. I will provide lodgings for you at some respectable house, until the affair can be quietly managed for your return to the residence of your parents ; or that you may sequester yourself for the usual period in the Penitentiary or the Magdalen. I will leave it entirely to your own choice. I must, for the present, leave you under the care of the landlord, but I will return to you in the course of the evening. In the meantime, if you return to your lodgings, to get your clothes, let the landlord accom- pany you, whom I have instructed to discharge any ac- counts that you may be in arrear ; but do not let a syllable transpire respecting last night's adventure ; but your appel- lation, perhaps " " Thank God ! " replied Ellen, " I have not disgraced my father's name. I was known as Mrs. Sarah Blontague, and, depend upon it, dear Sir, nothing in the world could tempt me to swerve from my resolution to quit an infamous way of life." " I am glad of it," answered Jerry ; "and I will return to you in the evening, by which period you will have had an opportunity of considering the LIFE IN AM) OUT OF LONDON. 291 subject well, and make up your mind accordingly. Rest assured, Miss Ellen, I am only actuated for your happiness and future welfare." About eleven o'clock in tbe morning, our hero departed, in a hackney-coach, for Corinthian House, It had been the intention of Jerry to have kept this adventure a most profound secret from Tom and Logic ; but Ms altered appear- ance in the borrowed clothes of " mine host " was immediately recognised by the Oxonian, and our hero was compelled to put the best face he could upon the matter. " Good heavens ! " exclaimed Tom, " what a fortunate escape ! " " Yes, it was, indeed," said Logic ; " and I should have been extremely sorry to have heard that Jerry went off in a blaze ! although it would have been quite in character — a sort of theatrical exit — Don Giovanni in flames ; at all events, my Young One, you must stand a little roasting upon the subject. What a lucky fellow not to have been scorched.'^ Jerry was obliged to put up with the jokes of his pals, though not in the best of humour to relish them. He dressed himself for dinner, but was repeatedly rallied over his wine with want of spirits, by Tom and Logic. In the evening he was true to his appointment, and had also supplied himself with plenty of money, to liquidate any expenses which might have been incurred on the part of Miss Ellen Prettyflower. Upon meeting together in the apartment of " mine host," our hero and heroine were both mutually astonished at the appearance of each other, when dressed in their own clothes. He thought her, save Miss Rosebvd, one of the sweetest creatures in the shape of a woman he had ever seen in the course of his perambulations ; and she, in return, viewed our hero as one of the finest young men that had ever crossed her path ; perhaps, his kindness and generosity might have done a great deal for Jerry, to have raised him so highly in her estimation. The admirable figure of Miss Ellen Prettyflower, her beautiful face, and her interesting and lady-like manners, so delighted Jerry, that he could not help observing, nav, it seemed to escape his u2 292 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. lips involuntarily, " What a pity ! How lamentable, that such a figure, such a sweet face, with such a mind, born to have been the comfort of man, should have been thus trampled upon and abused. I wish I had the villain in my presence, that I might treat him as his infamous conduct deserves ! " *' Dear Sir," said Ellen, in a plaintive tone of voice, that made its way to his very soul, " I was in hopes that I was more an object of your pity than your flattery." \_The tears chasing each other down her cheeTcs with rapiditii.^ " Pray, Sir, sj^are me my own contempt and hatred." " Mis- take me not. Miss Ellen," replied Jerry, " it was in the fulness of my heart that I gave utterance to those expres- sions, and there was an honesty of feeling about them, I am proud to say, that I would repeat them a thousand times. However, I sincerely regret but I would no longer unintentionally hurt your feelings ; I will come to the point. Have you. Miss Ellen, considered well the matter under discussion this morning ? But, if you require more time to think upon it, I beg you will be frank enough to say so, and a week or a month shall be at your service." " Generous Sir," replied Ellen, " first let me inform you, thanks to your bounty, that your instructions have been obeyed ; the rent of my lodgings, and other arrears, are discharged. I have also made up my mind, quite to my satisfaction, as to my future conduct in life ; my feelings are more com- posed, and my heart is lighter ; and, altogether, in person I feel better. In order, also, that I might not lose any time, I have been to the Penitentiary, and have become acquainted with the rules of admission necessary to be complied with by a penitent ; and I have the satisfaction to tell you that, to- morrow, Ellen Prettyflower will be received within its walls. After I have been an inmate of the Penitentiary for a few months, I trust, by my good conduct, I shall be so far prepared and chastened, that I may send for my parents to come and see me, when I can solicit their forgiveness. And now, Sir, I have only one favour to ask of you, which, I am well assured, you will grant me. See me safe inside the doors of the Penitentiary to-morrow, where I may offer you my blessing for your manly, disinterested conduct towards LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 293 a poor wicked wretch, like Ellen Prettyflower. That I may part from you as from a beloved brother, who has stood forward in the hour of affliction in the place of a fond but distracted father ; soothed ray sufferings with all the tenderness of an affectionate mother ; also afforded an ad- mirable lesson for the most abandoned libertines, by the self -reformation in your own person, and becoming the benevolent, good Samaritan." Ellen could not proceed any further with her remarks, occasioned by a violent over- flow of tears ; and Jerry also blubbered out like a great boy, so much were his feelings overcome by the sentimental, yet pointed language of the unfortunate girl. Our hero, on recovering himself, assured Miss Ellen that he would not only accompany her to the Penitentiary, but she might command his services in any point of Aaew ; he also would, if she thought it necessary, wait upon her father, at Bath, to prepare him for their interview ; but he never would divulge the secret, unless called upon by her to make it known. Jerry then took his farewell of Ellen for the evening, promising to be with her at the appointed time on the next day ; but previous to departing, he paid the land- lord the money he had advanced, and likewise made him a handsome present for his exertions in behalf of the poor girl. Jerry, in the most pensive mind, regained Corinthian House, but he had never before entered it under such afflicting circumstances. Corinthian House, the scene of all his gaieties, now seemed to him his " bane and anti- dote ; " he appeared so much " cut up " in spirits, so changed in principle, and, in fact, so completely altered, as to be no longer a man of pleasure. The whole of the sprees, rambles, larks, rows, fights, &c., were as shadoics, when contrasted with the hrothel on fire ; indeed, his mirth was absolutely changed to melancholy ! He therefore avoided the company of Tom and Logic at supper, by pleading illness as an ex- cuse, and hurried off to bed, as one of the most miserable of men, his thoughts being completely occupied by his recent adventure wdth Ellen Prettyflower. The next morn- ing he also ordered his breakfast in his bedroom; and, 294 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. almost like a thief, he stole out of the house, fearful of being interrupted, to fulfil his appointment with Ellen. Jerry was rather behind his time notwithstanding, the precaution he had taken to escape meeting with Tom and Logic. Upon entering " mine host's " apartment, he found Ellen in tears, apprehensive that some untoward cir- cumstance might have prevented him from fulfilling his engagement. " I am rejoiced to see you, Sir," said Miss Prettyflower ; " your presence strengthens my resolu- tion, and also reconciles me to my fate. I will no longer occupy your time ; I am quite prepared and ready to set out with you immediately to the Penitentiary." " As it is unlikely," observed Jerry, " that I may remain long in London, I will give you my direction in the country ; but I sincerely hope your reception will be comfortable, and that a few months' solitude may restore your mind to serenity and happiness." On their arrival at the receptacle for Female Penitents, our hero surrendered Ellen to the proper person appointed to receive the inmates. The fare- well scene between our hero and heroine was rather affect- ing on both sides, Jerry held out his hand in token of friendship, which Ellen immediately pressed to her lips, saying, " In my hours of solitude, dear Sir, I shall remember your kindness with gratitude, and pray for your health and happiness." She was then taken into the interior of the Penitentiary by the Matron, when Jerry returned, in a sorrowful mood, to the residence of the Corinthian. Our hero, although a man of courage, did not, for several days, overcome this flaming adventure, as the Oxonian termed it ; nay, his feelings were shook to the centre — he was quite ill, feverish, low-spirited, and seemed totally to have lost his wonted cheerfulness ; in fact, he could not rally himself at all. The more he reflected on the imhappy circumstance, the more his mind became seriously affected. " Had I been consumed,'" said he, " and no traces left of my person, and my death been quite a mystery, how dreadfully must such an event have operated on my parents, relatives, LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 295 and friends : and if my body had been discovered in the ruins of this well-known brothel, and recognised, my poor father and mother would never have been able to have out-lived the disgrace of such a thing ! Poor Mary Rose- bud would have been ashamed to have shewn her face in public ; and, for months to come, it would have furnished talk and scandal throughout all the villages in the neighbour- hood of Hawthorn Hall ; and my name and situation in society likewise blazoned forth in the whole of the news- papers all over the kingdom. It is madness to think upon it. This last pill has proved more than a dose to me, and I am determined immediately to give up everything con- nected with Life in London, and return to the country once more, to enjoy the sports of the field, and the com- forts of a domestic circle of friends. I almost hate myself for my thoughtless, stupid conduct, and I have a great mind to take an oath that I will not touch a glass of wine or spirits for twelve months from this period. Had I not been inebriated, I am certain I should not have so grossly committed myself ! I wish Sir John's champagne had been at the bottom of the sea, before I had drunk of it; and if you have any regard for my future happiness, Logic, let me beg of you to keep my secret. I would not have it known to my dearest friend, on any account : I could not withstand the ridicule it would continually subject me to, amongst my acquaintances ; numerous quarrels would most likely be the result ; and I should be very miserable for the remainder of my life ! " "I like nothing ratih ! " replied the Oxonian. " Vows, I mortally hate ; and, as for reso- lutions lud ! I really feel pity, if not contempt, for that man who does not possess fortitude enough to resist temptation in any point of view, but is compelled to stop by the way, to make a resolution on the subject ! Do you recollect, Jerry, the lamentable fate of your resolution at Sir John's ? Ha ! ha ! " Then assuming a face of gravity, he observed, " it might have been as well for your character, if you had not been burnt out ; perhaps, rather better, my Young One ; but it is the fortune of war, and persons of a more serious grade in society than Jerry Hawthorn, 296 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Esq.,* have been subjected to the same fright, trouble, and inconvenience ; nay, in the instance I allude to, death was the consequence ! But, after all, I begin to suspect that you regret more the sudden loss of your fiame than lament the consequences of \\e flames. " "Do not joke, for God's sake," said Jerry, " upon a subject so very serious in its nature to my feelings ! You have added — but, I am quite sure, without any ill-natured intention — additional torture to my mind, by the deathly anecdote you have just related to me. You will oblige me. Bob, by reverting to some other conver- sation ! " Just at this instant, the Postman arrived with the following note : — 6 in 2, Banco Regis, Dear Jerry, Your blazing adventure has just reached my ears; but the acts of a man of your notoriety cannot — will not — be kept a secret from the public. I congi-atulate you on j^our miraculous escape, and also on that of your charmer. I hope the tender creature has recovered from the effects of her delicate situation and fright ; but the well- known gallantry of Jerry Hawthorn, I am well-assured, has long since put all that sort of thing to rights. "What a fine cooling article is water ! What a dangerous, /ever-like drink is champagne ! I did not calculate on another shift adventure for you so soon ; but I am glad that you distinguished yourself by the safety of such an article in the Race. I understand the toggery was soon reduced to tinder ; the ticker melted ; a boniire made of the flimsies ; and your reader destroyed. Pshaw ! not worth a thought ! But, thank your stars, you lucky dog, that neither a hair belonging to you or the lady was touched by the rude element ! A thousand rumours are afloat about this scorching affair, in Banco Regis ; therefore, to prevent wrong im- pressions, come soon, and tell me all about it. Yours truly, Phil. Tim. Splinter. Jerry Hawthorn, Esq. * Within the last twenty-five years, a celebrated house of accom- modation, denominated the Key, in Chandos- street, Covent Garden, was burnt down. Amongst the ruins, the remains of a gentleman were found, dead, and so much disfigured by the fire as not to have been known, but he was said, by the busy, prying, and meddling world, to have been " One of the Cloth.'' Whether from matters of prudence, or out of- respect to his serious profession, his body was not recognised ; yet, nevertheless, it was honom-ed with a most respectable funeral. i LIFE IN AND OUT OF T.ONDOX. 297 " Confound it ! " said Jerry, throwing down the letter rather angrily upon the table, " I shall be teased to death from all quarters of the town upon this unfortunate subject, I must quit London as soon as possible, or else, in all probability, I shall be inundated with letters, full of satire, in the shape of coxgratulatioxs, from my friends and acquaintances ! " Jerry had scarcely concluded the last sentence, when in rushed Sir John Blubber, quite out of breath, exclaiming, " my dear Jerry, I am so glad to find you alive ! The 6ews was brought to me, only an houi* since, that you were found a corpse among the ruins of a certain hotel, so burnt, mutilated, scorched, disfigured, changed ; and that the poor unfortunate creature who went in with you as a companion, was lying by your side with- out a rag to cover her nakedness. You were only recog- nised by a ring worn on your little finger ; and also, that a Coroner's Inquest was to be assembled, without delay, upon the bodies. My feelings were shocked beyond de- scription, as I came along, to hear the fellows bawKng about the streets, like the dying speeches of the men executed at Newgate, at a halfpenny each, ' A true and particular account of the dreadful Fire, and also of the horrid circumstance of a Young Man and Woman being burnt to death in a house of ill-fame ! ' Had I, in the least degree, anticipated such a lamentable circumstance, I have so much regard for your character, my dear Jerry', that I would have thrown, without the least hesitation, all my fine champagne into the River Thames, and likewise have laid the dust in the streets contiguous to the Snuggery, with the contents of my wine cellar, rather than your life should have been placed in such imminent danger ! " Here the scene became so ludicrous, that Tom and Logic could no longer contain their gravity, but burst out into immoderate fits of laughter, while Jerry kept pacing up and down the room, like a madman, his temper was so outrageous. " I have a great mind," said he, " to quit London instantly, and ncA'er more to return to it. I shall be hunted out of my life ! " Tom, who had now enjoyed his laugh, observed, " My dear Coz, you take this affair rather too much to 298 LIFE IX AND OUT OF LONDON. heart ; there is no occasion for it ; moderate your feelings on the subject ; recollect, you cannot play at bowls with- out meeting with rubbers. It might have been my case, or Bob's affair. Come, cheer up — forget it ; and in the course of a few days, you will be yourself again ! " In order to divert the attention of Jerry from his late disaster, the Corinthian was continually forming parties of pleasure ; and a variety of public places of amusement, which had hitherto been neglected, in the course of a few days, came under their observation ; but our hero experi- enced a considerable drawback, in being deprived of the excellent remarks of Logic, who was compelled to keep his room from sudden indisposition. Splinter could not make one amongst them — Banco Regis to wit ; and the " uncommonly big Gentleman " was of too imwieldy a nature to be with Tom and Jerry upon all occasions. Our hero was now so much in the company of the Corinthian, that he could not steal a few hours for himself, to inquire after Ellen Prettyflovs^er, without accounting for his absence, although he sighed in private, anxious to ascertain how she went on with her work of reformation in the Penitentiary; but, nevertheless, he was afraid to trust any person with such a communication. " I hope Logic will be able to accompany us in our visit to Lord Liberal's Gallery," said Tom, when he was inter- rupted, by the footman putting the following letter into his hand — " Aye," observed Tom to Jerry, " here is a note from Bob ; let us hear what he has to offer upon the sub- ject : "— My dear Tom, I regret very mucli that my healtli will not permit me to accompany you and the " Young One " to view my Lord Liberal's fine gallery of paintings ; a pleasure which I had sincerely anticipated, as it is well known that his Lordship's taste, respecting the fine arts, is considerably above p'^'*'- But " necessitas tion hahet legem/" To tell you the truth, I am seriously ill, although not alai-med ; yet, I must confess, that I never felt so stranf/ely in the whole course of my life. I think the volume is nearly q>j(n out ; and that the book will LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 299 poon be closed for ever ! But Dr Finish'em will not have it so ; nay, lie insists on the contrary : " Lots of pages,^' saj's he, " yet remain to be read ; and several chapters must be perused, before you arrive at that emphatical word — FINIS ! " Be that as it may ; you are aware that doctors differ, and I do not like ap2)eararces ; yet, as we say at Oxford, Forti et fideli nil dijfficile ! Nevertheless, I am anxious to see you, my dear friend, as soon as convenient ; and I wish Jerry to be your companion, as I have something to communicate to both of you, rather of a serious nature, concerning myself ; yet, I am far from laboui-ing under un coeur contrit. Therefore, tell the "Young One," I hope his person is now quite cool — that his flame is also cool ; and instead of lamenting over the Coroner's verdict, of "destroyed by fire ! " I am happy to hear he is Mttis sana in corpore sano. I remain, my dear Tom, Yours truly, Egbert Logic. Corinthian Tom, Esq. " There is something behind this letter that I do not like," said Tom : " Bob is very ill, you may rely upon it, or else he would not be so pressing for us to visit him." "Yes, I am afraid it is too true," replied Jerry ; " but let us hope he is not so bad, neither, as you perceive he is joking about my late affair." "Joke with you !" echoed Tom, "I expect Logic will die with a Joke in his mouth, he is so fond of pitnuing ! But we will lose no time, as I am anxious to ascertain the true cause of his illness." Upon the arrival of our heroes at the apartments of Logic, they found him sitting at a table, in his arm chair, with pens and ink before him : his countenance most woe- fully changed for the worse. Indeed, Tom and Jerry were quite shocked with his altered appearance in so short a time. He endeavoured to smile upon them as usual ; but it savoured more of the " ghastly!" than that sort of enliven- ing humour which so generally imparted animation to his cheerful face. " I am very glad to see you, my boys," said he, " before I start on my long journey, which I have been preparing for these last five or six days." " I was not aware you had any such intention," answered Tom ; " but, may I ask, where are you going ? " 300 LIFE !>' AND OUT OF LONDON. " To that bourne from whence no traveller returns ! " replied Logic, accompanied by a most penetrating look at the Corinthian. " Dr Finish'em has given me my quietus, like an honest, candid fellow. On feeling my pulse, he observed — * Your hour-glass is almost run out ! Tempus fitgit ! Therefore, what you have to do, let it be done quickly, or else it will not be done at all ! ' Old Bolus, too, was rather funny with me on the occasion ; ' I know,' said he, ' your will was always good to serve everybody ; there- fore, Mr Logic, have a good WILL now towards your friends.' I took Pill and Potion's advice, and the few hours allotted to me I have made the best use of that I possibly could; and here is my WILL for your approbation." The tear started down Tom's cheek, and Jerry was much affected at this unexpected circumstance. "I sincerely hope it is not so bad as you apprehend," said Tom. " Yes, my dear friend," rej)lied Logic, "it is all over with me. I have suffered severely from an inflammation in my bowels ; but the pain has subsided, and that is the sign of approach- ing death. You will perceive, on looking over my Testa- ment,* that I have not adhered to any of the technical terms of lawyers, being well aware that the distribution of my property will never puzzle the pericranium of the Lord Chancellor, or occasion a row among the learned brethren, to obtain a brief upon the subject ; and if I have not made myself perfectly intelligible, I hope you will now point out any errors that may appear to you, in order to avoid disputes hereafter. It is true, I have no blunt to leave you, my boys, but several notes, which, I hope, will always bear an interest, and prove as valuable to you in the hour of need — as cash. You will, my dear Tom, as my Ijist request, read it aloud, for the approbation of my friend Jerry." * Testament is perfectly correct. The words ivill and testament are generally used indiscriminately ; but they are not words exactly of the saiDo import. A ivill is proporlj' limited to laud ; a testanient, to personal estate, as money, furniture, &c. LIFK IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 301 THE LAST WOEDS AND TESTAMENT OF EGBERT LOGIC. Being wide awake — my trPPER story in perfect repair — and dmvn to what I am about — I have seized hold of the/e«^/ier, with a firm hand, to render myself intelligible, and also to communicate the objects I have in view : I give and bequeath unto my friend, Jerry Haw- thorn, Esq., my tile, my castor, my tojrper, my npper-crust, my ptmph- coverer, otherwise IFY HAT, which, I hope, will never be the means of changing the appearance of " an old friend with a new face." To my out-and-out friend and companion, Corinthian Tom, I give my spread, my summer-cabhage, my luater-phint, but more generally understood as my UiiBRELLA ; who, I feel assured, will never let it be made use of as a sJieJter for duplicity, ingratitude, or humbuggery, of any sort! Also, to Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., I resign my /<(?»- snatchers — i.e., my GLOVES, under the consideration, if he ever should part with them, that they are only to be worn by those persons who have " a hand to give, and a heart that forgives I " Likewise to Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., I bequeath my fuur-eyes, my barnacles, my gi-een specs., but, amongst opticians, denominated spectacles. It is my sincere wish, that nothing green will be ever seen appertaining to them, except their colour : I also hope they will not, upon any occa- .sion whatever, magnify TRIPLES into difficulties : but enable the wearer to see his way through liee as clear as crystal ! I press upon Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., his acceptance of mj fogJe, my ivipe, my clout, my sneezer, politely termed a silk handkerchief. This article has often been used to ivijie oflp the tear of pity, and always forthcoming at a tale of distress; may it ever be at hand on such Christian -like occasions! To Philip Timothy Splinter, Esq., I bequeath my np>per-tog, my Benjeimin, my wrapper, generally called a TOP COAT, with the advice, that however it may be mended, mended, and mended again, he will never let it be turned against unavoidable misfortunes, poverty, and charity. My ticker, my tattler, my thimble, otherwise my watch, I bequeath to Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., as an emblematical gift to keep time upon all occasions — to remember its inestimable value ; and also to recollect that he will, some day or an- other, be wound-up for the last time. My two seals I give conjointly to my most valued and dear friends, Corinthian Tom and Jerry Hawthorn, Esqs., in order, if possible, that the bonds of friendship may be more firmly sealed between them, to the end of their lives. To Miss Mary Eosebud I give and bequeath my diamond ring, as a representative of her excellent brilliant qualities, and also as a golden fence to secure her virtue, reputation, and dignity. To my worthj' friend. Sir John Blubber, Knt., I give and bequeath my pudders, my stampers, my buckets, otherwise my BOOTS, whose knowledge of man- 302 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. kind, united with his kindness towards the failings of others, teaches him to tread lightly o'er the ashes of the dead ! To prevent mistakes respecting my bit, I have not a bit to leave ; it having been with me, for some time past — Pockets to Let, unfurnished ; Sic transit (jloria mundi ! But, nevertheless, I trust that I have always proved amicus humani generis ! My BOOKS having been long booked for theii' value, and aflPorded me consolation and support in the hour of need — I, therefore, leave as I found it, for other folks to bustle in, that great VOLUME — the WOELD I which, upon all occasions, was my sheet- anchor ! assisted by the following good old maxims, as my guide : — Tempus edax rerum. Vincit Veritas. Privcipiis obsta. Vitiis nemo sine nascitur. Spes mea in Deo. Spero meliora. Robert Logic. Tom and Jerry were both considerably affected at the kindness displayed towards them by the Oxonian ; and had it been at any other time, the singularity of the above Testament would have produced much laughter between them ; at all events, it convinced them that Logic still pre- served his character for originality. Three proper wit- nesses, disinterested persons, belonging to the house, were instantly called in to sign it, when the Testament, in the eye of the law, became a valid document. " My dear Jerry," said Logic, " as we must soon part, I had intended to offer a few remarks for your consideration ; but, finding that my strength will not second my intentions, I shall be very concise on the matter ; you must perceive that the comical part of my career is at an end, and you are well aware that I always was a merry fellow ; but, as Mercidio says, I shall be found a grave man to-morrow. Endeavour, then, * to do unto all men, as you would they should do unto you,' and you will not be a great way off the right path to happiness. I feel myself very faint ; my breath getting short ; and having settled everything to my satisfaction, have the kindness to assist me into bed, that I may die like a Christian — contented, and in peace with all mankind ! Tom, give me your hand : Jerry, yours likewise — I grasp them both with sincerity ! " Then looking them full in the LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. 303 face, with a placid smile on his countenance, his last words were — " God bless you ! " His lip fell ; his eyes lost their brilliancy ; and the once merry, lively, facetious, friendly Logic, was now numbered with the dead ! For several days our heroes were absorbed in grief, at the sudden loss of their much admired and valued friend ; and Corinthian House, for a long time after the decease of the Oxonian, was dull in the extreme. The funeral of Logic, under the direction of Tom, was of the most splendid descrip- tion ; and a handsome monument was also erected by his order, bearing the following inscription : — ®tis Sahlct Was erected in remembrance of ROBERT LOGIC, Esq., "Who was viewed throughout the circle of his acquaintances as A MAN, In every sense of the woi-d, VALUABLE AS GOLD ! Mirth and Good-humour were always at his elbows ; but DULL CAEE Was never allowed a seat in his presence. He played the first fiddle in all companies, and was never out of tune : BOB was a wit of the first quality ; But his SATIRE was general, and levelled against the follies of mankind : Personality and Scandal he disclaimed : His exertions were always directed to make others happy. As a CHOICE SPIRIT, he was unequalled ; And as a sincere friend, never excelled ; but in his character of a MAN OF THE WORLD, BOB LOGIC was a Mirror to all his Companions. Mankind had been his study ; and he had perused the Great tSoofe of ILife With superior advantages ; and his Commentaries on MEN AND MANNERS Displayed not only an enlarged mind ; but his opinions were gentlemanly and liberal. His intimate knowledge of vice had preserved him from being vicious : by which source he was able to discriminate with effect ; and Virtue appeared more beautiful in his eyes. 304 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. Truth was his polar star ; and integrity his sheet anchor. Adversity could not reduce his noble mind, And Prosperity was not suffered to play tricks with his feelings : HE WAS A MAN UNDER ALL CIECUMSTANCES ! Flattery he despised ; while Candour obtained his respect ; and the corner-stone of his character was — SINCERITY. He was charitable, but not ostentatious, and a well-wisher to all the world. His Friends, TOM AIS^D JEREY, Lamenting his severe loss in Society, trust, that upon the AWFUL DAY OF RECKONING, The Great Auditor of Accounts will find his BALANCE SHEET Correct (^errors excepted) : And as the whole tenor of BOB LOGIC'S life had been a volume OF pleasure, they sincerely hope it will be WELL BOUND at the last ! CHAPTER XY. " There is no place like home ! " Jerry bids adieu to Life in XoNDON, and sets out, with the Corinthian, for Haw- thorn Hall. Rosebud Cottage in sight, the Church in perspective, and a good look-out towards the High li^ad to Matrimony. Uncertainty of existence : sorroiv succeed- ing sorrow ! Tom killed by a fall from his Horse tchile hunting. Jerry disconsolate for the loss of his two Pals. Be flections on the Death of the Corinthian and a few Lines to his Memory. Griering's a folly ! Thoughts on Marriage: jwpping the Question — the bit of Gold — the reluctant No — Yes ! Old Jollyboy an important feature. The Wedding Day — all happiness at Hawthorn Hall — Jerry and Mary Rosebud united. The tie-up of the Story — i.e. to promote Life in the Country. The sudden death of Logic made quite a chasm in the movements of To:m and Jerry ; indeed, he had been the principal caterer for their amusements, and our heroes were not only in grief for his loss, but reduced completely to a stand-still without him. It is true, Jerry had previously made up his mind to quit London, in consequence of his narrow escape at the brothel on fire, but the sudden demise of the Oxonian positively hurried him out of town. The Metropolis had lost its attractions upon the feelings of Jerry, and he flattered himself that the neighbourhood of Hawthorn Hall, the sports of the field, and the fascinat- ing company of Miss Rosebud, would, in a great measure, afford relief to his mind, and ultimately restore him to cheerfulness. The parents of Jerry were overjoyed in beholding their darling son once more safe under their roof; and the Corinthian also received the most friendly con- gratulations on his arrival at Hawthorn Hall. The sombre appearance of our heroes, who were in deep mourn- ing for the Oxonian, operated as a great drawback to the festivities which, under different circumstances, had been intended to celebrate their reception ; indeed, at every step they took, the loss of Logic was sincerely regretted by all those persons who had ranked him as one of their best X 306 LIFE IX A>'D OUT OF LONDON. acquaintances, during his last appearance at Hawthorn Hall. " To me, the loss of Logic is incalculable," said Jerry, to his father ; *' he was not only able to advise, but his manner of doing it was so persuasive, that it was impos- sible not to benefit by his experience ; more especially at my time of life, when such experience was by far more valuable to my mind than any knowledge I might bave obtained of men and manners through my own exertions." Our hero lost no time in visiting E-osebud Cottage. On his entrance, he was welcomed by the father of our heroine with no common sort of ardour ; but, on his being ushered into the presence of Mary Rosebud, he felt confused, nay, ashamed ; her look, although accompanied with a smile, nevertheless told him that he had been neglectful towards her during his residence in London, and she gentl}' chided him for his want of attention. " I am afraid, Sir," said she, " it has been with j^ou like most professed lovers, ' out of sight, out of mind.' " Jerry could not reply ; bis excuses were lame and impotent ; indeed, be was aware that he was in fault, and therefore, sensibly threw himself upon the mercy of the Court, and sued in the most persuasive manner for pardon. The good temper of Mary, aided by a little of something else — perhaps love — could not resist the appli- cation ; and she generously admitted that some allowance might be made for him, when surrounded by the attractions of London. " Generous girl ! " exclaimed Jerry, " the re- mainder of my life shall be devoted to your happiness." Jerry being now perfectly established in the good opinion of Miss Rosebud, became doublj^ attentive in his visits ; when the minutes, the hours, the days, nay, the weeks, almost appeared to fly, so fascinated was Jerry with the companj' and attractions of our charming heroine. In truth, the time of Jerry was comj)letely occupied with hunting, dinners, card-parties, assemblies, &c., accompanied bj^ Tom ; and his life appeared so happy, that he congratu- lated himself on his return to the seat of his father, and also upon the hair-breadth escapes he had met with, during bis Day and Night Scenes in London. Yet, amidst all this hai)pin('ss, Jit^ky jierceived with regret that the CoiuN- HFE IN AM) OUT OK LONDON. '307 THIAN was labouring under a severe depression of spirits, although Toisi endeavoured to appear cheerful in company ; but when alone with Jerry, he would frequently deplore the flight of the unhappy Kate, and likewise express the vacuum his mind suffered by the irreparable loss of the society of Logic. "I would give," said Tom, "almost everything I possess in the world to ascertain what has become of that wretched, unfortunate victim of pride. It is very strange that no tidings were ever heard of Kate, as the night- constable was a most active, vigilant, honest sort of fellow ! " "I will no longer keep you in suspense," re- plied Jerry ; " perhaps I have committed an error, but you must pardon it, as it was the result of sincere friend- ship, and at that time done with a view to spare your feel- ings. Logic wished the circumstance to be kept secret from you ; however, silence is not necessary now ; and therefore, be prepared with fortitude to hear that poor Kate is now numbered with the dead ; nay, you ought to rejoice that her sufferings are at an end. You may rely upon the information being correct — Logic ascertained the truth of it from the night-constable ; but let me entreat you to rest satisfied with what you have heard ; compose your feelings upon a subject so truly painful to both of us, and let all traces of her be buried in oblivion." "It is easily said," replied Tom, the tears stealing down both his cheeks, " and the advice, I admit, is excellent, but considerable time must elapse, nay, I do not think that, during my life, I shall ever be able to banish her totally from my recollection." During a walk, one fine evening, and Hawthorn Church appearing in view, Jerry was determined to make the best use of the opportunity which offered itself, by soliciting Mary Eosebud to name the day that was to complete his happiness. " I have always promised ray father," replied Mary, with the utmost frankness, "that he should name the wedding-day ; therefore, gain his consent, and you will have no complaint to make against my decision." "I will be your father upon that joyful occasion," said the Corin- thian, " if you will permit me, my dear Miss Roseevd, as I am very anxious to bestow on my friend Jerry one of X 2 308 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. the greatest treasures in this life, — a most amiable com- panion and virtuous wife." Miss Rosebi^d blushed at the remark, but, nevertheless, felt pleased with the compliment paid to her by the Corinthian ; and the subject was dropj)ed until they arrived at Rosebud Cottage. The father of our heroine, on being made acquainted with the wishes of the young folks, observed, " I am quite content ; and I sin- cerely hope they will prove one of the happiest couples alive. Therefore, let the settlements be drawn immediately, the license procured without delay, the dresses made off-hand, our friends invited in good time, and Old Jollyboy re- quested to hold himself in readiness. Now having settled this marriage business to my mind, let us have a jolly evening together before we part ; and to-morrow, Jerry, what do you say to a day's hunting ? and your cousin Tom, I have no doubt, will make one of the party." " It will afford me great pleasure," replied the Corinthian ; " and we will be in time to start with you." The evening was spent in great jollity — " The single married, and the married happy," were toasted over and over again by the j^arty, until Jerry became as lively as a lark, Old Rosebud roaring out the view halloo ! the Corinthian quite merry and face- tious, and Old Jollyboy rather above par, hiccoughing, every now and then, with an attempt to pun, that he was " fond of {a) good Uving ! " Our heroes were read}^ at the appointed time to take the field with Old Rosebud ; the latter fox-hunter was in high glee with the excellence of the day's sport, Jerry equally delighted, and Tom had just declared he had not been so pleased for a long time ; but, unfortunately for him, in his bold endeavour to clear some high palings, his horse fell with him, and he was thrown some distance. On being raised from the gromid, it was discovered that his neck was dislo- cated, and he expired instantly. Upon Jerry's ascertaining the melancholy fate of the Corinthian, his feelings were so completely overcome, that he fell down in a fit quite senseless. To describe the wretched state of mind which Jerky suffered for several days, at the unexpected accident and melancholy death of his dearest friend in the world, would LIFE IN AN'l) OUT OF LONDON. 309 have baffled the poet's skill and the painter's talents to portray — the shock was so sudden, tind the loss to our hero so great, that it was impossible to have been otherwise ; just at the moment when happiness appeared to be within his grasp, and he was also slowly recovering from the serious effects which the death of Logic had also made upon his feelings, to have met with such an immense blow — the death of Corinthian Tom — shattered his nerves all to pieces, and anything in the shape of consolation appeared to him officious, troublesome, and unavailing ! Ultimately, by the soothing attention of Miss Rosebud, the friendly interference of the old fox-hunter, her father, the unremitting kindnesses of his parents, and the cheering, good advice of Old Jolly- BOY, by degrees he was restored to a state of convalescence. From " GAY to grave," was now the reversed scene for the contemplation of our hero, and the old proverb verified to an awful extent, " that many things hapj)en between the cujD and the lijD ; " the marriage rites were now suspended to make way for the performance of the burial service. The remains of the Corinthian were conveyed to town with the utmost solemnity, and interred in the family vault, with all those obsequies due to his rank ; and although Jerry remained extremely ill, and scarcely able to stand upon his legs, yet he was determined, at all hazards, to pay the last respects to his most valued friend and relative, Corinthian Tom, by his appearance at the funeral in the character of chief mourner. Jerry did not quit the Metro- polis until he had settled everything to his satisfaction respecting the interment of the Corinthian. Upon the return of Jerry to Hawthorn Hall, several days elapsed before anything like pleasure occupied his mind ; he posi- tively refused to quit the house, and he also shunned the society of his acquaintances. " It requires no common forti- tude," observed Jerry, to Old Jollyboy, " to bear up against the loss of two such invaluable friends as Tom and Logic — snatched, as it were, in an instant from me, when I stood most in need of their assistance, and to whom I am principally indebted for the knowledge of mankind which T now possess. In Locac, I have lost a model of experience, 312 LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON. and the Hawthorns were now united, and Mary and Jerry made the happiest of the happy. The wedding-day was devoted to pleasure. " It shall be kejDt in the old style," said Jerry's father ; " everybody shall be welcome ; we will have a dance upon the green ; all the lads and lasses in the village shall be invited to celebrate the wedding ; we will broach a tub of 'humming huh,'' and nothing shall be wanting to promote mirth and harmony." " Good ! " said Old Jollyboy, over his pipe ; but, long before the ap- proach of night, the " gaily circling glass " had been pushed about by Old Hawthorn to all the company — that, suffice to observe, as we have too much respect for the cloth to tell tales, the fine old Curate required the assistance of " Amen," his clerk, to make Jollyboy " all right" at the Curacy. The honejnnoon was, of course, a raj^turous one ; after which, Jerry' might be viewed as a ' settled heing.' Time rolled over pleasantly with him and his bride ; and the sports of the field, if possible, he enjoyed with a greater zest than heretofore. His fireside was a pattern of domestic comforts, although a sigh would now and then escape his lips, whenever the thoughts of Tom and Logic came over his mind. In every other respect, Jerry was a picture of contentment ; determined to profit by his experience, and to turn to a good account, for the benefit of himself and his family, the many hair-breadth escapes and dangerous ad- ventures he had met with in his Day and Night Scenes in Life in London. He was the delight of all the companies he visited in the neighbourhood of Hawthorn Hall ; his general conduct was the praise of the surrounding gentry, and he was admitted, by all parties, to sustain the character of a perfect Country Gentleman. We now take our leave of Jerry, " all happiness," with an amiable, handsome wife, a fine estate, a capital stud of horses, and a crack pack of hounds, to promote LIFE IN THE COUNTRY. the end. PBINTKU UV i. S. VIUTUK AND CO., J.IMITKU, CITY UOAU, LOKUOM. THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETTURN ^mS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY W.Ll?n?REASE TO SO CENTS ON THE FOURTH DAY AND TO $1.00 ON THE SEVENTH DAY OVERDUE. -.jUt-S-^64 CIRCUIATIONDEPT. LD 21-95wi-7,'3'; GENERAL LIBRARY U.C. BERKELEY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY