B53S A 3 6 6 6 1 ; 5 : THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES > m K 1 ' I- J g i It- H i < I lu 0) I Q i z < I i I- I S ' o < HI I I H j CO ! UJ < ^ ; 3 Z o CO a S < CO ilj' *^,^ — ==wfi<'n^li'(^''w^ MOTLEY. PROSE AND VERSE : GRAVE AND GAY. BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A., AUTHOK OF "verdant GEEEN," "PHOTOGRAPHIC PLEASURES," " LOVE'S PROVOCATIONS," ETC. WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. " Motley's the only wear!" — Shakspeare. LONDON : JAMES BLACKWOOD, PATERNOSTER ROW. 1855. London: sercomiie aiiD jack, Ic, great windmill stuSEt. PEEFACE. " TuE motley fool " whom melancholy Jaques met i' the forest, had " in his brain Strange places crammed With observation, the which he vented in mangled forms." Like Jaques, " I am ambitious for a motley coat," imder cover of which I may have liberty to vent my observations after my own fashion. To you, then, gentle Public, I address myself in the language of the melancholy Monsieur — " Invest me in my motley ; give me leave To speak my mind ! " To which I would add— in my own language, and in my own Touchstone character as a "motley-minded gentleman " — give me leave to speak my mind ; invest one shilling in my "Motley," and you will not (I hope) repent the outlay. CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A. Auguit, 1855. ^ . _, 688877 CONTENTS. Bear and Forbear .... A Case of Mystery .... Lay of a Linen Eag .... The Billiard Game of Life Motley Meditations .... A Simple Sonnet ..... Mr. Doolan's Visit to the Wax-works The Greek Slave .... Force of Habit ..... Motley Musings for the Maids and the Married The Fine Old Standard Tragedy The Great Dinner-Bell Nuisance Epigram by a Gentleman under sentence of transportation to the laud of Gold .... Fragments from a Drama of Fashionable Life Wanted ...... Shakspeare Emendations .... How to Marry a Deceased Wife's (vaccinated) Sister Epigram on a Young Lady with her Arm in a Sling A Howl from a Hippopotamus Important to Ladies .... Motley Reflections ..... How Mr. Sampson Snub went to the Derby Motley Fancies ..... Dental Dangers ..... Curiosities of Advertising Literature A Stoi7 of a New Year's Evo A Scene from the Life-Drama of Mr. Diogenes Smith Pop goes the Question .... Mistletoe Anticipations .... The Christmas Campaign .... Queries, to which we Pause for a Reply Crackers for Parties .... MOTLEY. A PIECE DE CIRCONSTANCE. DRAMATIS PERSONJi:. (two-legged.) Mr. Teemmel (late in the Raw-hide and Curriery business). Mr. Dummy (Proprietor of the " Ladies and Gentlemen's Fashionable Hair Emporium," and " Importer of Live Bears"). Patty (Niece to Tremmel). A TUKKEY. (foue-legged.) A Beau, Scene : Hoxton, London. Time : The Spring of 1855. fj MOTLEY. Scene. — A first-fioor sitting-rooin in the house of Mr. Teemmel, plainly hut comfortahly furnished. Windows in flat, R., and L. C, the former practicable. Doors, L. 2 E., and L. 3 E. Table laid for hrealifast, chairs, Sc. Through the window R. C. is seen the top of an out-building ; through that to^.C. some laburmcm and lilac trees, so as to convey the idea of a first-floor room ivith a back view in the suburbs of London. (Patty Parker discovered arranging breakfast things at table in centre.) Patty. There ! having made all ready for breakfast, and uncle not being down yet, I dare say I can find time to say good morning to my dearest Dummy. Oh dear ! what a strange feeling this love is ! It's like the wind — there's nothing to look at, and we can't tell where or how it comes ; and yet we feel it, and pretty keenly too. Sometimes it comes to a little breeze — that's a lover's quarrel before marriage ; and sometimes it comes to blows — that's always after marriage, though ! T:)ut that's a six months' punishment now. There's some comfort in the thought that at last the arm of law is being put round us poor unprotected females. I think I first fell in love with my dear Dummy be- cause he's so like the waxwork head in his own shop-window. There was such a hmv about him, and he'd such a gen-teel way of expressing his parts of speech, that I'd fallen over head and ears in love with him before I knew what I was about. Of coui'se, if I had known what I was going to fall into, I should never have done it. But, after all, it is but natural to fall in love vrith a hairdresser ; he's so much to do with the oMteide of one's head, that sometimes it's impossible to jorevent him getting^ into it. {Goes to window R. C, and throws it open. A bear is heard to growl beneath the window.') There's my dear Dummy's love of a bear ! He's walking backwards and forwards in front of his kennel, just as far as his chain will allow him. Mr. Dummy is not there. {Talks to Bear.) Poor ittle ting, then ! does it ■want its master? {Comes doivn the stage.) So do I. I wish uncle wouldn't take such a dislike to the poor thing. I'm sure that it's as quiet as a lamb ; and if he is near to uncle's poultry- yard, and does try to get at the Turkey, why it's only, as my dear Dummy says, the nature of the beast. And, besides, he's chained (Bear and Turkey are heard) ; so he can only growl and show his teeth, and try to frighten the Turkey — he can't hurt it. But, unfortunately, uncle's dislike extends from the bear to the bear's owner. For the last two months — indeed, ever since .^r. Dummy moved from the end of the street to this BEAK AND FORBEAR. next house, on purpose to be nearer to — somebody — uncle has clone nothing but growl about this bear's growling. He doesn't like it being just under the window, as though Mr. Dummy was to blame because the back yard of his house comes just under one of my uncle's windows. This is a firgt-floor, so the bear could not get in at the window, even if he was unchained. Besides, I think that uncle ought to be much obliged to Mr. Dummy; for from one window he can look dOWri upon the bear and Mr. Dummy's back yard, and from the other window he can look down on his own poultry and his own back yard. It's like learning Natural Histoiy at one view — the birds at one window, and the beasts at another. (T>vu-},TY is heard to ./i,,\ , r, ' \,5N;k\ ' coicgh underneaa ^^^^^^j^^g^^^^^^^^^ the xvindow R. C.) /ma^^^-^^^ ^ ■-- -^^==^^^:^^r— j i\t\Sv\lt>^' That's his signal ! my dear Dummy's cough always trou- bles him in a morning when he knows uncle is not down. {Goes to window and sig- nals.) Good morn- ing ! No ! lie is not come down, so you can come up. {Aside.) I should think this vine-tree must have been planted and nailed against the wall on purpose forDummy and me ; it's as good as a ladder. (Dummtfs head ap- pears rising above the icindoic-sHl. He slips.) Ah, mind, love ! now you've torn your — ahems. Dummy {gets through, window into the room. Theg embrace). What is one's /taffection for one's /linexpressibles when compared 4 MOTLEY. with one's ^inexpressible /laffection for' the /lidol of one's 'art ? Though I ^am a nairdresser, I've a soul above /linexpressibles ; and so had Cupid — he never wore ^any Ziinexpressibles ! he must have been a Scotchman — a Nilander. Patty. Indeed, Mr. Dummy, I hope you have no intention of turning Cupid. (Bear ^row/s. Vkity points to windoic.) One bare fact is quite enough for uncle to set his face against my being Mrs. Dummy. Dummy. Don't be afeard, Patty ; you may trust your Dummy not to commit /tany breaches of decorum. Patty. And I do so wish that you could get rid of the bear. You know how uncle is always exclaiming against it, and you know how dreadfully timid and nervous he is, and that he pre- tends that the bear frightens him ; and you know how this dreadful war with Roosher, where the Bear comes from, puts uncle about, and makes him eversomuch worse ; and you know how fond he is of his poultry, and he says that he shall be obliged to build a wall where the palings are, because he must protect his Turkey from the Bear, who is always looking so fierce at it, just as if he wanted to gobble it up. (Bear and Turkey are heard.) And, indeed, my dear Dummy, I wish you would contrive to get rid of it. Dummy. But you see, my Ziangel, it would be a partin' with 'alf my business. Though your Dummy is a nairdresser, yet your Dummy can't live by 'airdressing alone. So as soon as I came next door to my new barber's shop — oh, 'evins ! did your Dummy so far forget himself as to say barber's shop ? I mean my " Ladies and Gentlemen's Fashionable 'Airdressin' i/empo- rium " — as soon as I came here, I called myself a iJimporter of Live Bears. That was a striking ^idear of your Dummy's, Patty ! that was taking a high view of my purfession ; and showed that your Dummy was no /lignorant, /lupstart barber, but a ^.educated, ^aspiring /iartist /iimporting his hone bears for his hone grease. Patty. But you've never had but this one bear that you bought from those performing men in the streets. Dummy. No, my hhngel ; and your Dummy never ^intends to have no more. I only keep this one for show. The back door of the shop — 'evins ! is your Dummy a nidiot ? — the 'air-cutting saloon, I mean — looks into the yard ; so that the ladies and gents as puts their 'eads of 'air Sunder my 'ands see the real live bear a walking about as nateral as natur', if not more so; and when they see me /tannounce in the winder, in 'uge letters, "Another fine bear just slaughtered!" they think it's the one BEAR AND FOEBEAR. they've seen, and tbey ^immediately give your Dummy a /lorder for some pots of your Dummy's " Genuine Bear's Grease." They see that the Bear is genuine, so they conclude that the grease is. Patty. Hush ! uncle's moving. You must get down the vine again. Dummy. Me and your Ziuncle is like two buckets in a well ; "when one gets 7iup, the /tother must go down. [Goes to loindow R. C, and 2^repares to descend.) What a ^useful, ^accommodating wine-tree this is ! It's /linfinitely better than the ladder which Eummyo had to take with him when he wanted to get into his Juliar's bell-coeny. iifadoo, my /tangel ! your Dummy will make himself scarce (^Gradually disappearing ; then falling suddenly). Patty. Oh, gracious! he's fallen! Are you hurt? [Comes down stage.) He says it's only his unfortunate — ahems. (Beak and Turkey,) Bless me ! I've forgotten to feed the poultry, and uncle told me to be sure not to forget that the Turkey required great support. [Exit door L. 3 E.) [Enter Mr. Tremmel, in a dressing-gown, at door L. 2E.;\ Tremmel. I think I shall be stating a fact when I say that this is one of the most saloobriest mornings I've ever seen ; per- haps I shall not be deviating from the strict line of truth when I say that it's the saloobriest. The aspect of Natur' is something that must be seen to be believed — particularly in 'Oxton. When I was in the raw-hide and curriery business, I'd no time to attend to the face of Xatur' ; I didn't seem to care about the face of Natur' ; consequently, the face of Natur' was neglected. But when I retired from the raw-hide and curriery business, with — though I say it that shouldn't say it — a very snug thing in the Three per Cents., and fifty shares in the 'Oxton and 'Ackney Junctions, then I was able to say to the face of Natur', Face of Natur', I've my eye upon you ! and, on purpose to keep that eye upon you, I've taken this 'ere 'ouse at 'Oxton, which possesses the advantage of a spacious garden ever so many feet square, containing three laurels — which the smoke converts from ever- greens into never-greens — six sunflowers, one laburnium, and two lalocs ; not to mention a poultry-yard. And ain't it beauti- ful for a retired party of my retiring habits, to get up here on a spring or summer morning, and to see the face of Natur' a breaking out all over, as though the face of Natur' had got the nettle-rash, and to see the lalocs a bursting into blossom, and the laburniums ^ MOILEI. jbanging out their golden chains, and to listen to the soft voice of Natur'? (Bear. Mr. Treiame-l starts nervously. N.B. — This business repeated whenever the Bear groivls.) Oh ! my nerves \ The voice of Natur' indeed I Well, if it is, Natur' must ''' , have an uncommon bad cold I in her head. It's that bar- ' ber's bear : that confounded beast is the plague of my jiiz^ %, life. I am naterally, I may '"^^'^fe.' say, of a timid disposition, |> with positively no nerves to speak of, and the fright that four-legged quadruped causes me whenever he ^.^fj/: thinks fit to growl, is a *^"^'^ fright that is really fright- ful; and, as the aforesaid four-legged quadruped hap- pens to take it into his head to growl somewhere about sixty min- utes in every hour, the consequence is that I am kept in a continual state of nervousness, not to say terror. What can induce Dummy to keep a Eooshuu monster ? The Rooshun monster don't make Dummy's bear's-grease, because I happen to know how many pounds of butter and lard go into Dummy's pomatum pots. Then why, I make bold to repeat, Avhy does Dummy keep a Eooshun monster ? I pause for a reply. (Bear.) The reply is by no means satisfactory. Dummy seems sane enough on all other points ; but as long as he's on friendly terms with a bear, he needn't think of marrying my Patty ; for — (Bear) — exactly — I won't bear it. No ! as long as I'm Patty's maternal guardian — at least, not exactly maternal, but as good as her maternal guardian — 111 never suffer her to marry a fellow that's the pro- prietor of a Ilooshun monster. Shall I, whose sensibilities could not be crushed by the unfeeling necessities of the raw-hide and curriery business, shall I hand myself over to a Dummy who calls himself an importer of live bears ? Shall I tamely submit to have my Patty converted into a female Dummy — a female im- porter of live Piooshun monsters ? No ! it's absurd. It would be doing a violence to my sensibilities, which my sensibilities wouldn't stand at any price. (Beak.) Oh, yes ! go it ! but it's no use your putting a word in for your master ; my mind's made up like a booked parcel, and its directions must be obeyed. BEAR AND FOEBEAR. [Goes to icindow L. C.) Chuck, Chuck, Chuck ! Well, old Plucky ! How are you, old Phicky ! What a fine fellow that Turkey is ! [Comes down.) The poultry seem to have had their morniug repast, and I feel as though I wanted my morn- ing repast. Where's Patty '? She's generally up and about long before me, and siugiog like a lark. And shall I turn her singing to a growl by marrying her to a Kooshun "^ Viij'ci? i monster ? (Bear.) No, my friend ! though I have no nerves to speak of, I shall do nothing of the sort. I should hope that I know my duty too well as a maternal guardian. (Patty is heard without, singing.) There she is ! Patty, where are you? I want my breakfast ! (Enter Patty, door L. 3 E., with a basket on her arm. She runs uj) to TremMel and kisses him.) Patty. Good morning, Uncle ! I have been giving the poultry their breakfast. Teemmel. Bless you, Patty ; it does one good to look at you. Patty. Mr. Dummy is just of the same opinion, Uncle. Tremmel. Oh ! you've been talking with him over the palings, eh? Patty. Why — he came to give the bear his breakfast. [Begins to hxisy herself in making breakfast.) Tremmel. Ugh ! don't mention it, my dear. To see that Piooshun monster a tearing away at his — what he eats — is, to speak mildly, a disgusting exhibition : it always give me a turn ; for I am naterally a timid little fellow, with no nerves to speak of. It's a particularly unfortunate thing, Patty, that a portion of Mr. Dummy's back-yard should come immediately under my window ; and though I shouldn't object to this fact, if Mr, Dummy devoted his back-yard and leisure moments to the care of domestic poultiy, yet, when Mr. Dummy places in that back- yard a Rooshun monster of terrific appearance (Bear), not to say of loud habits, then the situation of Mr. Dummy's back-yard becomes a back- yard nuisance. [Sits down at table.) Patty. Oh ! but, Uncle, the Bear's as quiet as a lamb. Tremmel, Particularly quiet! oh, yes! (Bear) Rather too quiet, in fact. To my thinking, though I'm not of reflective babitSj he's a bear that's barely bearable. 8 MOTLEY. Patty. Oh ! but I mean quiet in his manners. I've very often patted him, and he lets Mr. Dummy do anything with him. And I think that it's very kind of Mr. Dummy to keep him ; it enables one to study — oh ! what's the word ? Zo-o m^9^^ Tremmel. Soho Bazaar? Patty. Oh, dear, no ! Zo-o — Zoology, that's the word ! the sort of thing the beasts teach you at the Zoological Gardens. Tremmel. Well, my dear, I confess that I can't quite see the advantage of having (Beak) — go it ! by all means, go it ! — of having the study of zoology dinned into one's ears, and brought under one's noses, in this way ; or of having — some more milk — Mr. Dummy's back-yard turned into an incipient Zoological Gardens. It may be advantageous to keep a bear-garden, but I confess that I can't see it. And, as you know, I've no nerves to speak of, and am timid to that degree that I can't bear any noise ; and, as to bearing the growls of a bear, the bare thought of it frightens me. I had never the courage even to marry ; I'd BEAB AKD FORBEAR. 9 as soon thought of popping a pistol at a female, as I would of popping the question. But my poor sister was more courageous, and when she married your father, Patty, I looked on at her brave conduct with silent awe. Poor fellow ! he soon followed his wife, and went the way of all flesh ; and I went the way of the raw-hide and curriery business, and have been your maternal guardian ever since. Patty. Indeed you have, dear Uncle : and the very kindest and best of guardians. And if you would only let my love be — Tremmel [handing his ciqy). A little sweeter ! It'll stand some more sugar. Patty. If you would only let my love be a source of happiness to some one else, as well as to you, you would make me — oh ! so happy. Tkemmel. And Dummy, too, I suppose. Patty. Oh, yes ! it would make him very happy. Tremmel. Of course Dummy is miserable that I won't give my consent to give you to Dummy, for Dummy to give you the name of Mrs. Dummy, and make you the joint proprietor of a Rooshun monster. No, Patty! if ever I give my consent to make you a Rooshun monster, may I [Bear and Turkey. Mr. TREMiifEL drops his cup). Confound that beast! It's all very well for Dr. What's-his-name to say, " Let bears and hons growl and fight, for 'tis their nature too "; but if Dr. What's-his name had had a live Ptooshun monster growling and fighting his pet Turkey right under his parlour-window, Dr. What's-his-name wouldn't have allowed it so calmly. And (Bear) whenever Dummy's bear gives me audible tokens of his propinquity, then Dummy's bear aggravates me, because he brings to my mind a very disagreeable event ! Patty. How so. Uncle ? ' Tremmel. Why {Bear) he makes me think of Roosher, and the Rooshun Cup that is run for at Ascot, and the day that I went to see it run for. It was the first race that ever I'd been to ; for I was such a timid little chap, with no nerves to speak of, that I was afraid to venture into a large crowd, lest the excite- ment should be too much for me ; and I never should have gone to Ascot unless you'd plagued me so to take you there. Patty (aside). It was that I might go with my dearest Dummy. Tremmel. So, when I had left you in a good position, safe in the shay, along with Dummy and Dummy's venerable maternal female parent, I went to get something exhilarating in the shape of ginger-beer. I procured it ; and, wandering about in 10 MOTLEY. the state of exhilaration consequent upon taking ginger-beer, I found myself in a place paled round, and filled with people who were talking about "backing the field," and "hedging." Of couree I thought they were farmers ; and I was staring about me, and feeling partly in a pucker, and partly in a state of gin- ger-beer exhilaration, when one of the farmers, in a green cut- away coat, and a great horse-shoe pin stuck in his boe-som, came up to me with a little book and a pencil in his hand, and says the farmer to me, says the farmer — '' You laid me a thousand to ten on the Mountain Maid, for the Emperor's Cup, I believe, sir ? " Well, I was going to say to the farmer in a tone of the greatest surprise — "7 lay you a thousand to ten on a Mountain Maid! indeed, I did no such thing, sir ! " when either my astonishment choked me, or the exhilaration of the ginger-beer overcame me ; for I only said, " I lay you a thousand to ten on the Mountain Maid," and there I stopped ; and, before I could recover myself, BEAR AND FOEBEAR. 11 the farmer with the horse-shoe had put -what I said down into his hook ; and another farmer, with a horse-shoe, who was standing hy, said — '' I witness that het ! " and then hoth the farmers fol- lowed the example of their coats, and cut away. And two days after, the first farmer with the horse-shoe found me out, and he made me pay him more than the raw-hide and curriery business had brought me in for a twelvemonth ; and when I said that I shouldn't pay it, he said that it was a fair bet, and made before a witness, and that if I wouldn't pay it, he must take the law of me. And, as I'm such a timid little fellow, with no nerves to speak of, and as the exhilaration of the ginger-beer had been removed by a course of soda-water, the farmer wdth the horse- shoe frightened me so, that, in a moment of weakness, I paid him. {Bear.) And I've hated this Rooshun monster ever since, because he reminds me of that Eooshun cup, and how I put my foot in it. Patty. It was my fault for wishing you to go. Tremmel. Well ! never mind, my dear ! it did me good ; for ever since I have been a wiser, though not a better man. {Boy without is heard to call " Paj^er!" and to rap at door.) There's the Times. {Exit Patty L. S E.) I've serious thoughts of not taking in the Times, till times alter. Any well-regulated paper would scorn to frighten a timid little chap like me, by telling him everything that can make him feel uncomfortable. {Enter Patty with newsj)aper, ivhich she gives to Tremmel). And though I only do have it for an hour, and pay a penny for the privilege of perusing it, yet it's much cheaper to keep a penn'orth of fright in one's own pocket. But, as long as I have the paper, there is a fatal fascination about it that obliges me to read every word. ( Unfolds pajoer and reads.) Here it is, as usual — " News from the Seat of War. Great privations in the English Camp." Well, at any rate, the seat of war doesn't seem to be an easy chair : though the expression may be a mere /orm. {Bear.) Yes! growl away! I'm quite aware that the seat of war is no joke to you, at any rate. Here, Patty ! your young eyes are better than mine. Take the paper, and give us a summary of some'ut. Patty {takes jjaper and reads). " Latest from abroad. From our own Correspondent." Then, of course, this must be true. " By a private source on which I can rely, I have just learnt that the new Czar " What does " Czar" mean. Uncle ? Tremmel. Czar, Patty ? Why Czar means Ctesar ; and Seizer means one who seizes, grubs, or prigs that wliich isn^t his'n. Never mind the new Czar : go on to the next bit. Patty {reading). " The good effects of the alliance between 12 MOTLEY. the two great nations of England and France, are already being manifested in various ways." {Bear.) Tremmel. Ah ! that's enough to make the hears growl. Now that we've found it is better to fight /or each other, instead of against each other, I hope that the only struggle between us will be to see which will be first in the race of progress. And though I've no wish to go into the workhouse, yet I'm uncommonly glad that we've entered into the union, and I hope we shall keep in it. Patty {reading). " It is currently reported that Prince " — oh, dear ! such a hard word ! G— 0— T— Z— S. Oh, dear, I can't pronounce the word at all. Tremmel. Why, you see, Patty, the Piooshuns ain't civi- lized ; so Piooshun names ain't intended to be pronounced like- civilized names. I'll tell you how to do it. You must cough at the beginning and end of each word, and you must sneeze be- tween each syllable ; and then you'll do it easy. {Knock at the door.) There ! run and see who's at the door, and give me the paper, that I may have a look at b. the share -market, and see how my 'Oxton and 'Ackney Junc- tions are gettingon. {Reads. Exit Patty L. 3 E.) "Depressed, down again." (Bear and Turkey.) Oh, yes, go it ! by all means, go it ! it's your doing — the bears are in the market. Well ! as there's no magistrate present to fine me five shillings for swearing, I think I may ven- ture to observe, confound those Eooshuns ! They not only daily depreciate in value themselves, but they daily depreciate the value of everything else. Patty {enters ivith a paper). It's the income-tax collector. Uncle. He says it will be double on account of the war. Tremmel. Heu ! the Piooshuns don't depreciate the value of that, then ! Well ! though I have got a Turk clapped on to my shoulders, I don't object to pay for his sitting there ; for it's better to pay for a Turk on one's shoulders, than to stand by and allow BEAR AND FORBEAR. 13 the Rooshuns to knock the Turk's head off his shoulders, let alone gi\'ing them the chance of taking our oion heads off our shoulders. So give him the income-tax ; I should be a N-income- poop to grudge it. [Gives money to Patty, who exit L. 3 jE.) I'm rather too nervous to go to the war myself, and I'm not in. first-rate condition to stand the fatigue of night-work in the trenches ; so shall I begrudge to pay my share for the fighting that I might, could, or should, but can't, don't, and won't do myself? No ! if I did, I should be unworthy the name of a man, and a retired manufacturer in the raw-hide and curriery busi- ness. {Takes up " Times." Enter Pattt.) I really must give up the Times. I've no nerves to speak of, and I can't stand the ahocks it gives to the system. Patty. Oh ! don't give it up. Uncle. It is so delightful to read the births, deaths, and marriages in the supplements. Tremmel. "Well ! I must make a compromise, and take in the supplements for you, Patty ; for it ain't at all delightful for a timid little fellow like me to see nothing in every column but calumniations, and to find the war creeping into everything. It even gets into the advertisements. (Reads.) " Maps of the Seat of War." A veiy useful, though a Wyld idea, because it shows the enemy where they may most safely attack us. " Telescopes for the Seat of War :" if they enabled us to see through the craftiness of them Rooshuns, they would do wonders. " Bed- steads for the Seat of War ;" then, I suppose, the soldiers' tents must be tent-bedsteads. I was afraid that their lodgings were on the cold ground. " Tea for the Seat of War :" gunpowder- tea of course. " Boots for the Seat of War :" to enable our soldiers to walk into the enemy, I suppose. " Air-cushions for the Seat of War :" to make it a more comfortable seat, perhaps ; or else to raise the wind to pay for it. " Camp Pillows, Waterproof Epau- lette-coats, and Compressible Sponging Baths for the Seat of War ;" does the seat of war want washing, then ? " The Seat of War. Another great victory. The greatest victory of the day is achieved in the dress department of Messrs. Noses and Son, who" Oh ! this is disgusting ! The seat of war conde- scending to be puffed up by a slopseller ! (Bear.) Growl away, old un ! it's the soldiers, and not the slopsellers, that '11 give you a good dressing. And then, there are the music shops. It's quite terrifying to a timid little chap like me, who's got no nerves to speak of, to look into the music-shop windows. Instead of peace- ful harmony, and all that sort of thing, they are full of horrid suggestions ; they've even turned the music-stool into a seat of war. {Turns to the paper.) Here's a whole column of 'em. 14 MOTT.EY. " The Sultan's March :" in the right direction, of course. " The Russian Galop :" in the opposite direction. " The Sublime Porte Waltzes ;" oh, does he ? I wonder if he looks more sublime when he's waltzing. Why, every note in these, must be a note of war. All those little black dot things — ^what are they called ? ^ ^^ OT ''%\^^ Patty. Quavers, Uncle. Tremmel. Quavers ! a very proper name too for such frighten- ing things ; they look just like so many bullets and cannon balls fired over the pages. Then there are the songs. The war seems to have brought out the poets, just like the spring brings out my lalocs. (Reads.) " A Bear's a Bear for a' that !" "The Last Ruse of Ptoosher." "Will you fight me then as now?" " Roosher, then I'll tight thee more." *' Britannia Rules the Waves." And much better to be the ruler of the waves, than the ruler of the serfs ! Oh ! here are no end of songs. Patty. I think I know a scrap of them all. If you would like to hear it, Uncle, I could sing you a medley song of the Medlers Invasion. Tremmel. Let's hear it then, Patty. I'm as resigned as Lord Abbydeen was. [Bear.) The bear will growl you an accom- paniment : he's quite accustomed to take the base part. [Bear.) Silence there in the pit. BEAR AND FORBKAR. 1 ^^ lo Patty. The song was made before the death of the Emperor Nicholas ; but it gives a true account of the history of the war, and the causes that led to it. So, as it is a historical narrative, just as much so as those Lays of Mr. Mac Squally, why I think I may sing it. (Sings.) MS"'' Air — The fine Old English GeiUUfiian. I'll sing you a fine new song, on a subject still in date, Of a mild-eyed Russian " gentleman," who had a large estate, But who could not rest contented, and so took it in his pate To rob another gentleman, who was a Potentate : Like this mild-eyed Russian " gentleman," Who didn't mind a crime. Air — Quy Fawhes. This was a shameful tragedy ; for Nic, with views most sinister, Sent off to Sir H. Seymour, who was the British minister ; And there he made him join with him to perpetrate the theft, sir ! At least, he tried to do so, but he did it — o'er the left, sir ! Tow ! row ! row ! itc. Air — Rosa May. " Come, Seymour, listen to me," Said Nic, " while I relate 16 MOTLEY. How my poor neighbour Turkey's In a sick and dying state. We just as well may visit him, His goods to take away, And then a portion of the spoil To you I can convey. "0 Seymour, say, Shall we act in this way ?" ^ But he, polite, Just took a sight, And simply answer'd, " Nay !" Air — The Low-hacked Car. Then first Nic spoke of Turkey, In free and open way ; A low black-guard he was, and, pat As butter, lies could say ; But, though those lies were coin'd to pass, And deck'd with flow'rs of speech, ^ No lies were there that could ensnare The ears they were meant to reach. For they all knew the low black-guard ; The Allies knew that he lied hard ; They knew how he stole All his land from the Pole — So made war on the low black -guard. Air — Trafalgar & Bay. ""Twas in Sinope's Bay The Turkish vessels lay; Each ship was anchor'd then; They scorn'd the Russian yoke. Preparing for the stroke Were all the Turkish men. The Russians mark'd them on the wave, And fight the dastard cowards gave, Nor thought of honour's beauty ; Along the ships the wild-fire ran, ^laughter'd, or drown'd, was ev'ry man,— They died, but died for duty ! Air — Uncle Ned. And thus did the Russians, by mad ambition led, Making hundreds of dead at a blow ; While, somewhat like a bull, their Czar went ahead At the pace which all bad tyrants go. BEAR AND FORBEAR. Bang ! went the cannons of the foe — the foe, And raked down the vessels in a row ; They gave warm work To the brave old Turk, But he ne'er would the white feather show ! 17 Air — Lord Lovel. The Sultan he sat in his cross-legg'd state, A smoking his usual weed-eed-eed, When in rushed a Vizier and cried " I fan-cy, Great Sultan, to war you must speed, Speed, speed I Great Sultan, to war you must speed ! " Air — The Cork Leg. The Vizier ended, and made a salaam To his master, the Sultan, who said " I am *' Not going to be for this wolf a lamb, *' For, for him and his armies I don't care a "• Ri tooral looral, &c. Air — Billy Taylor. When England and France come'd for to hear on't, They wery much applauded him for what he'd done ; And then quickly made their first alliance To force old Nicholas to succumb. Tol de rol, de rol, &c. 18 MOTLEY. Air — Nelly Bly. Brave Ally ! let us fly The Russian hordes to fight; And let us on this truth rely, That Right can vanquish Might ! Hand in hand, hy sea and land, Let our armies ride, And not, as wont, fight front to front, But friendly, side by side ! Hie over, ply over, Overland and sea ; Let's go to work To aid the Turk, And set his country free. Air — The Cavalier. In a terrible fright, And not wanting to fight, The Czar was feeling afraid ; When brave Charley Napier To the Baltic drew near. The enemy's ports to blockade. To a tune that stunned, At Bomarsund, The Russians to dance made he ; And o'er and o'er, By jingo ! swore Old Czar ! I'll vanquish thee ! Old Czar ! Old Czar ! Old Czar, I'll vanquish thee ^ BEAR AND FOKBEAK. 19 Air — Villikins and his Dinah. (Spoken.) This here's the moral, which I puts into the middle of the song. So, all you old tyriants wot countries does bone, Never not by no means prig that which ain't your own; For, if you would covet each land you sets eyes on, The whole Coustitootional system you'd pison ! System you'd pison ! System you'd pison ! (Spoken.) And then you wouldn't have any spirits to sing Ri tol looral, lal looral, ri tiddy fol lol lay. (Spoken.) And then there'd be no prospect of a chorus of outraged Constantinopolitan Constitootionalists, all vociferating and ejaculating Ri tol looral, lal looral, ri tiddy fol lol lay ! Air — Post Horn Galop. (The Bugle call sounded.) Now to Portsmouth shoals of troops are coming, coming, coming, coming ! Fifes are squeaking, and the drums are drumming, drumming, drumming, drumming. Buglers now their trumpets loud are blowing, blowing, blowing, blowing ; Off in transports all the troops are going, going, going ! And all about, there's such a rout, The bands play out, the people shout, The standards flout — the air without, And all the bells are ringing ; The men with glee, so frank and free. Push out to sea — though on the quay Their wives they see, with piteous plea, To their poor infants clinging ! (Bugle.) Still to Portsmouth, &c., &c. Air— r^e Girl I left Behind Me. Let the times be e'er so bad, And e'en though worse we find them, "We must and will protect the wives That our soldiers leave behind them ! For, since their guardians to guard us Have left them, we should mind them ; So let us all befriend the wives That our soldiers leave behind them. Air — Cheer, Boys, Cheer. Cheer, wives, cheer ! no more of idle sorrow, All dread of want from your hearts drive away ; We, who your husband's aid and labour borrow. To you all that aid and labour will repay. 20 MOTLEY, Though you must part from those you hold the dearest, Though you must lose protectors loved and kind, Yet we who gain by this your loss severest, Will help the wives our soldiers leave behind. So, cheer, wives, cheer ! adieu to idle sorrow ! Though the dark clouds may seem so black to-day, Yet their bright side may shine on you to-morrow; So, cheer, wives, cheer ! we'll help you all we may ! Air — / Remember . I remember, I remember, How the war all went awry, In the horrors of December, And the fevers of July. From the first, sir, how at Varna There were no signs of care, And our tented soldiers perish'd In the pestilential air. I remember, I remember. How many more did die In the trenches of December, Than the marshes of July. Air — The Bnglishinan, BALAlCL/WAgJ mi^^-^^-&iy0 There's a land that now has a world-known name, Though it is but a little spot; Yet the brightest deeds in the lists of fame Were gained in that land, I wot. For the deadly fight, on Alma's height, Shall live for aye in song ; And all meeds of praise that the world can give To the brave Allies belong. Oh ! the foe ia unborn, believe me, who ca.n Crush the might of the French with the Englishman ! BEAR AND FORBEAR. "31 k.it—'The British Grenadiers. Some talk of our comTnander, And say he takes his ease ; But he disproves their slandei", In battles fiery breeze. And our soldiers all are heroes, And did make the Russian bear At Inkermann growl tow, row, row, To the British Grenadier, Air — Oh ! 7io, we'll nevfir mention her. Oh ! yes, we'll ever mention them. Their names shall e'er be heard, Our lips shall ever proudly speak Each now familiar word. That little band who Russian hosts At Balaklava met, That far-famed charge of cavalry, We never can forget. Air — Hearts of Oak. Then cheer up, my lads i 'tis to glory tto steer, British hearts never know what it is to feel fear ! 'Tis Turkey that calls ; in oppression she ci'aves To be freed from the Serfs by the Queen of the Waves ! Hearts of oak, like our ships, Gallant hearts have our men ; For the Russians they're ready — Ready, ay ready. To fight and to conquer again and again ! Tremmel. Hangcore, Patty ! Why, Miss Waggoner' couldn't liave sung moi-e tunes at the Uproar House. It's almost like a song I used to know when I was a boy : it was so long, that when people wanted to hear me sing it, they used to bring their things, and stay the night. {Bear.) It's a fact, though you don't seem to believe it. [Dummy appears at door L. 3. E. ; taps and enters.'] Dummy. May I come in, Mr, Tremmel ? Tremmei,. Well, Mr. Dummy, you're a queer shaver of a barber, you are ; first to do a thing and then to ask if you may do it ! Dummy. I hope, sir, that you'll find me as civil a S'haver as the Barber of Civil in the iJopera ; and I 'ope also that you'll find me a /lexpert and clean shaver, — 'aving 'ad the Aonour of 'aving your nose between my fingers /levery mornin' for the last seven years. (Prepares shaving tackle.) 22 MOTLEY. Tkemmel. And it isn't every one, Dummy, that I'd allow to take me by the nose ; but I'm such a timid little fellow, with no nerves to speak of, that I never was able to shave myself. The very sight of myself in the glass, with my throat bare, and a naked razor in my hand, just as though I was going to cut it — I mean the throat, not the razor — made my hand shake so, that I was afraid, some fine morning, they would awake and find me lying in my throat, with my bed cut ! Patty. Find you lying in your throat. Uncle? Tkemmel, Well ! that is where people do lie, isn't it ? I meant cutting in my bed — psha ! lying in my bed with my throat cut. (Bear.) You needn't laugh at my mistake, you rude beast. And, as fashion has said to us lords of creation, " Lords of creation, you must every morning scrape your chins with a dangerous suicidal weapon !" and as I was too nervous a little fellow to handle that dangerous suicidal weapon, I was obliged to reply to fashion — " This lord of creation will place his nose in the hands of another lord of creation, and will allow that lord of creation to use his dangerous suicidal weapon on this lord of creation's chin." And you, Mr. Dummy, were the fortu- nate lord of creation whom I selected to perform the carpenter's operation of making me a deal plainer with shavings. Dummy. Deal plainer with shavings ! Ha, ha ! /(.uncommon good, Mr. T. ! With your permission I'll repeat that to my customers. Teemmel. Oh ! it's a mere nothing to what I do sometimes. And so, as you got used to the ins and outs of my face, I've been afraid to trust my shaving to any one else. [Sits. Dummy puts cloth round his chin, dc.) Patty. (Aside). And gave me an opportunity of seeing my dear Dummy each morning ! Tkemmel. But, really, I'm always in such a pucker when I see any one flourishing a naked suicidal weapon before my face, that I've serious thoughts of following the new fashion and coming out with moustaches. Patty. Just like the Eooshuns. Tkemmel. Confound the Piooshuns and their moustaches ! No ! if they wears 'em, I won't ! I won't give my countenance to 'em. Dummy. That's right, Mr. T. ! for if nobody shaved, what should gents of my purfeshun do ? We can't live on Ziair, isr, like kemeelions. [Bear and Turkey.) Tkemmel. Confound that (Dummy puts brush in his mouth). Dummy. Seen the Rooshun news. IMr. T. '? BEAB AND FORBEAR. 33 Tremmel. Oh ! bang the (Dummy j^m^s brush in his mouth.) Dummy. Ah, sir! as you say ; we and the French will 'elp them Turks to give the Kooshuns as good a lathering as I've given you, Mr. T. We shall seize them in a wital part (takes Tremmel's nose in his fingers), and we shall flourish our blades in their faces {flourishing his razor), and we shall shave their power down as close as I'll shave you, sir, if you'll only sit quiet, Mr. T. ; but really you're as restless as if you were the Kooshuns themselves, in the 'ands of the Hallied Hanny. [Great noise with the Bear and Turkey. Mr. Tremmel starts up — with the soap-lather on his chin, and the cloth round him — and runs out L. 3 E.) Patty. Oh, my dearest Dummy ! what ever is your Bear about ? Dummy. Why, he will try to get hold of the Turkey ; and I'm afraid he's got loose. His chain broke the other day. [Goes tip to ivindow R. C, opens the window, and leaves it open.) Good ■"evins he has ! I was afraid so. But it's all serene, my /langel : my i^apprentice has just chained him Ziup agin. He can't do any 'arm to your /luncle, my dear : he /ionly durst attack small game, hke that 'ere Turkey. {Enter Mr. Tremmel, L. 3. E., with a few feathers in his hand. The lather is still on his chin, and the cloth is still round him.) 24 TdOTLEY. TKEinyiEL. Mr. Dummy, this is too bad ! Mr. Dummy, this is by several degrees too bad ! Here's your Bear been and broken loose, and made the most desperate attack on my Turkey ; and I believe that unless I, like an Englishman, had rushed to the aid of the weaker party, these few feathers would have been all that would have been left of poor Plnclcy (affected). As it was, I came up with my allied forces just in time ; and the brute was beaten off. I should be ashamed of you, Mr. Dummy, to allow a great overgrown Rooshnn monster to ill-treat an unof- fending turkey. Why doesn't he hit one of his own size ? DuM]vn\ Mr. T., I'm quite grieved. Teemmel. JMr. D., I'm quite aggrieved ! Dummy. It shall not occur again, sir, upon the /jonour of a ■9iairdresser, and as I 'ope to gain your niece's 'and as I have gained her 'art. Tremmel. That's all very fine, Mr. Dummy; but though you may have gained her heart, you won't take her hand, however much you may follow suit. (Sear). There's an unbearable ob- jection to such a proceeding, in the shape of that four-legged quadruped. Patty. Uncle ! for my sake you must change your mind. Dummy. iJallow me, Mr. T., to /ladd my /(.earnest Zientreaties. Tremmel. Patty ! I'm your maternal guardian ; and, as your maternal guardian, I know what's best for you ; and four-legged quadrupeds and Ptooshun monsters is not fit associates for the niece of a retired manufacturer in the raw-hide and curriery business. Dummy. Oh ! Mr. T,, you'll 7«alter your mind. At ^any rate, sir, /lallow me to complete the /(.operation of shaving. Tremmel. No, Dummy ! I'm a timid little fellow, with no nerves to speak of, and (Bear) that brute has put me into such a pucker that I couldn't bear anything after that bear; especially having a dangerous suicidal weapon flourished close to my throat. So you may take your razors away for this morning ; there'll be a double crop for you to reap to-morrow. Dummy. Then I'll bid you good morning, Mr. T. But don't fear the Bear, sir ; he's quite 'armless, and lets me do /tanything with him. (Aside to Patty.) Hadoo, my /tangel ! [Exit L. 3 E.) Tremmel. Now, Patty, you'd better go and do your marketing. I shall take a little bit of a snooze, and see if it will recover my nerves. Patty. Yes, Uncle ! I've only to run into the butcher's ; I shall soon be back. (Aside.) I shall just step in and have a chat with my dearest Dummy. [Exit L. 3 E.) BEAR AKD FOEBEAK. 25 TREi^rMEL. (Puts a handkerchief over his head.) Now foi* forty wiuks to restore my nerves. [Bear and Turkey.) Go it ! by all means, go it ! It's very strange you won't let us rest in peace. I should like to give that Rooshun monster a good dose of Turkey rhubarb, to see how it would agree with him. I think it would weaken his power a little. [Clones his eyes, and talks, gradually f