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 TKAITS AND TRAVESTIES 
 
 9 
 
 J
 
 " I must have liberty 
 Withal, as large a charter as the wind, 
 To blow on whom I please ; for so fools have : 
 And they that are most galled with my folly, 
 They most must laugh. And why, sir, must they so ? 
 The why is plain as way to parish church : 
 He, that a fool doth very wisely hit, 
 Doth very foolishly, although he smart, 
 Not to seem senseless of the bob : if not, 
 The wise man's folly is anatomis'd 
 Even by the squand'ring glances of the fool. 
 Invest me in my motley ; give me leave 
 To speak my mind, and I will through and through 
 Cleanse the foul body of the infected world, 
 If they will patiently receive my medicine." 
 
 — As You Like It.
 
 TRAITS AND TRAVESTIES 
 
 SOCIAL AND POLITICAL 
 
 BY 
 
 LAUBENCE OLIPHANT 
 
 AUTHOR OF 'THE LAND OF KHEMI,' 'THE LAND OF GILEAP, 
 'PICCADILLY,' ETC. 
 
 WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS 
 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON 
 
 MDCOOLX WIT
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 It has for some time past been a matter of surprise 
 to me why a certain class of feeble and fashionable 
 literature should of late years have enjoyed an in- 
 creased circulation. This might be accounted for 
 either bv the growing feebleness of the class to 
 whom it is addressed, or to their augmentation in 
 number, or to the exceeding brilliancy of the bind- 
 ings of books of this description, which may com- 
 mend itself to the aesthetic tendencies of the day. 
 While, however, there was much to be said for all 
 these solutions of my difficulty, they none of them 
 seemed altogether satisfactory, and I was inclined 
 to attribute the success of certain extremely vapid 
 productions to some undiscovered ingenuity on the 
 part of advertising publishers, when chance revealed 
 to me the fact that if I had not been so fortunate 
 as some of my colldborateurs in the fields of lighter 
 literature, it might be due t<» the circumstance that 
 my modesty had prevented me from availing my-
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 self, as they had done, of one of the recent inven- 
 tions of the age, and not, as I feared, that my 
 rubbish was inferior to theirs. It has come to my 
 knowledge that post-cards, widely and judiciously 
 circulated by a persevering author, exercise a more 
 powerful influence over the fortunes of a book than 
 anything that may be contained in it. As it would 
 be absurd in me to allow a mere sense of self-re- 
 spect to interfere with what may in any way accrue 
 to my own advantage, and inasmuch as all such 
 scruples are only regarded in the age in which we 
 live as a proof of weakness, I append the follow- 
 ing post-card, which will furnish an illustration of 
 this style of correspondence, w T ith my cordial con- 
 gratulations to my fellow-authors, on this improved 
 method of bringing their brilliant ideas to the notice 
 of the reading public. If I have adopted this 
 course instead of sending similar cards by post, it 
 is because this seemed to me altogether a more 
 dignified mode of proceeding, while it possesses 
 the additional merit of affording in itself a trait 
 of the society of our own time.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 i. a turkish effendi on christendom and islam, 
 
 11. aunt ann's ghost story, . 
 
 iii. the reconstruction of sheepfolds, . 
 
 iv. moral reflections by a japanese traveller, . 
 
 v. the autobiography of a joint -stock company 
 
 (limited), ...... 
 
 VI. THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD, 
 
 VII. DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS, 
 
 VIII. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, 
 
 IX. A NEW METHOD OF SOCIAL EVOLUTION, . 
 
 X. THE ADVENTURES OF A WAR CORRESPONDENT, 
 
 XI. AN AMERICAN STATESMAN ON IRISH ATROCITIES, 
 
 XII. THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF IRENE MACGILLI 
 CUDDY, ....... 
 
 PAGE 
 
 1 
 
 28 
 58 
 84 
 
 106 
 
 162 
 ■2o:>> 
 232 
 268 
 298 
 
 343 
 
 365
 
 TKAITS AND TRAVESTIES. 
 
 A TURKISH EFEENDI ON CHRISTENDOM 
 
 AND ISLAM. 
 
 In the suburb of one of the most romantically situated 
 towns in Asia Minor there lives the most remarkable 
 oriental whom it has ever been my fortune to meet. 
 Travelling through that interesting country a few months 
 ago, with the view of assisting the British Government 
 to introduce some much -needed reforms, I arrived at 
 
 — . I purposely abstain from mentioning the name 
 
 of the place, as my Eastern friend, to whom I am in- 
 debted for the following paper, desires his incognito to be 
 observed, for reasons which the reader will easily under- 
 stand on its perusal. I remained there some weeks 
 examining the state of the surrounding country, at that 
 time a good deal disturbed, and giving the local author- 
 ities the benefit of a little wholesome counsel and advice, 
 
 A
 
 2 A TUEKISH EFFENDI 
 
 which, I need scarcely say, they wholly disregarded. My 
 uflicious interference in their affairs not unnaturally pro- 
 cured me some notoriety; and I received, in consequence, 
 numerous visits from members of all classes of the com- 
 munity detailing' their grievances, and anxious to know 
 what chance there might be of a forcible intervention on 
 the part of England by which these should be redressed. 
 In my intercourse with them I was struck by their con- 
 stant allusion to an apparently mysterious individual, 
 who evidently enjoyed a reputation for an almost super- 
 natural sagacity, and whose name they never mentioned 
 except in terms of the greatest reverence, and indeed, I 
 might almost say, of awe. My curiosity at last became 
 excited, and I made special inquiries in regard to this 
 unknown sage. I found that he lived about a mile and 
 a half out of the town, on a farm which he had purchased 
 about five years ago ; that no one knew from whence he 
 had Come ; that he spoke both Turkish and Arabic as his 
 native tongues ; but that some supposed him to be a 
 Frank, owing to his entire neglect of all the ceremonial 
 observances of a good Moslem, and to a certain foreign 
 mode of thought ; while others maintained that no man 
 who had not been born an oriental could adapt himself so 
 naturally to the domestic life of the East, and acquire its 
 social habits with such ease and perfection. His erudi- 
 tion was said to be extraordinary, and his life seemed 
 passed in studying the literature of many languages — 
 his agent for the purchase and forwarding of such books 
 and papers as he needed, being a foreign merchant at the 
 nearest seaport. He seemed possessed of considerable 
 wealth, but his mode of life was simple in the extreme ;
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 3 
 
 and he employed large sums in relieving the distress by 
 which he was surrounded, and in protecting by the 
 necessary bribes those who were unable to protect them- 
 selves from oppression. The result was, that he was 
 adored by the country people for miles round, while he 
 was rather respected and feared than disliked by the 
 Turkish officials — for he was extremely tolerant of their 
 financial necessities, and quite understood that they were 
 compelled to squeeze money out of the peasantry, because, 
 as they received no pay, they would starve themselves 
 unless they did. 
 
 To this gentleman I sent my card, with a note in 
 French, stating that I was a travelling Englishman, with 
 a seat in the House of Commons in immediate prospect 
 at the coming election, consumed with a desire to reform 
 xVsia Minor, or, at all events, to enlighten my countrymen 
 as to how it should be clone. Perhaps I am wrong in 
 saying that I actually put all this in my note, but it was 
 couched in the usual tone of members of Parliament who 
 are cramming political questions abroad which are likely 
 to come up next session. I know the style, because I 
 have been in the House myself. The note I received in 
 reply was in English, and ran as follows : — 
 
 " Dear Sir, — If you are not otherwise engaged, it will 
 give me great pleasure if you will do me the honour of 
 dining with me to-morrow evening at seven. I trust 
 you will excuse the preliminary formality of a visit, but 
 I have an appointment at some distance in the country, 
 which will detain me until too late an hour to call. — 
 Believe me, yours very truly, Effendj.
 
 4 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 " r.S. — As you may have some difficulty in finding 
 your way, my servant will be with you at half-past six 
 to serve as a guide." 
 
 " Dear me," I thought, as I read this civilised epistle 
 with amazement, " I wonder whether he expects me to 
 dress ; " for I need scarcely say I had come utterly un- 
 provided for any such contingency, my wearing apparel, 
 out of regard for my baggage-mule, having been limited 
 to the smallest allowance consistent with cleanliness. 
 Punctually at the hour named, my dragoman informed 
 me that the Effencli's servant was in attendance ; and, 
 arrayed in the shooting-coat, knee-breeches, and riding- 
 boots which formed my only costume, I followed him on 
 foot through the narrow winding streets of the town, 
 until we emerged into its gardens, and following a charm- 
 ing path between orchards of fruit - trees, gradually 
 reached its extreme outskirts, when it turned into a 
 narrow glen, down which foamed a brawling torrent. 
 A steep ascent for about ten minutes brought us to a 
 large gate in a wall. This was immediately opened by 
 a porter who lived in a lodge outside, and I found myself 
 in grounds that were half park, half flower-garden, in the 
 centre of which, on a terrace commanding a magnificent 
 view, stood the house of my host, — a , Turkish mansion 
 with projecting latticed windows, and a courtyard with 
 a colonnade round it and a fountain in the middle. A 
 broad flight of steps led to the principal entrance, and 
 at the top of it stood a tall figure in the flowing Turkish 
 costume of fifty years ago, now, alas ! becoming very 
 rare among the upper classes. I wondered whether this
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 5 
 
 could be the writer of the invitation to dinner; but my 
 doubts were speedily solved by the empressement with 
 which this turbaned individual, who seemed a man of 
 about fifty years of age, descended the steps, and with 
 the most consummate ease and grace of manner, advanced 
 to shake hands and give me a welcome of unaffected 
 cordiality. He spoke English with the greatest fluency, 
 though with a slight accent, and in appearance was of 
 the fair type not uncommonly seen in Turkey ; the eyes 
 dark-blue, mild in repose, but, when animated, expanding 
 and flashing with the brilliancy of the intelligence which 
 lay behind them. The beard was silky and slightly 
 auburn. The whole expression of the face w T as inex- 
 pressibly winning and attractive, and I instinctively felt 
 that if it only depended upon me, we should soon become 
 fast friends. Such in fact proved to be the case. We 
 had a perfect little dinner, cooked in Turkish style, but 
 served in European fashion ; and afterwards talked so 
 far into the night, that my host would not hear of my 
 returning, and put me into a bedroom as nicely furnished 
 as if it had been in a country-house in England. Next 
 morning I found that my dragoman and baggage had all 
 been transferred from the house of the family with whom 
 I had been lodging in town, and I was politely given to 
 understand that I was forcibly taken possession of during 
 
 the remainder of my stay at . At the expiration 
 
 of a week I was so much struck by the entirely novel 
 view, as it seemed to me, which my host took of the 
 conflict between Christendom and Islam, and by the 
 philosophic aspect under which he presented the Eastern 
 Question generally, that I asked him whether he would
 
 6 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 object to putting his ideas in writing, and allowing 
 me to publish them, — prefacing his remarks by any 
 explanation in regard to his own personality which 
 lie might feel disposed to give. He was extremely re- 
 luctant to comply with this request, his native modesty 
 and shrinking from notoriety of any sort presenting an 
 almost insurmountable obstacle to his rushing into print, 
 even in the strictest incognito. However, by dint of 
 persistent importunity, I at last succeeded in breaking 
 through his reserve, and he consented to throw into the 
 form of a personal communication addressed to me what- 
 ever he had to say, and to allow me to make any use of 
 it I liked. 
 
 I confess that when I came to read his letter, I was 
 somewhat taken aback by the uncompromising manner 
 in which the Effendi had stated his case ; and I should 
 have asked him to modify the language in which he had 
 couched his views, but I felt convinced that, had I done 
 so, he would have withdrawn it altogether. I was, 
 moreover, ashamed to admit that I doubted whether 
 I should find a magazine in Eno-land with sufficient 
 courage to publish it. As, although my friend wrote 
 English with extraordinary facility for an oriental, the 
 style was somewhat defective, I ventured to propose 
 that I should rewrite it, retaining not merely the ideas, 
 but the expressions as far as possible. To this he 
 readily consented ; and as I read it over to him after- 
 wards, and he approved of it in its present form, I can 
 guarantee that his theory as to the origin and nature of 
 the collision between the East and the West is accurately 
 represented. I need not say that I differ from it entirely,
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. i 
 
 and in our numerous conversations gave my reasons for 
 doing so. I will not enter into them here, however, as 
 they will at once occur to the intelligent reader ; hut 
 notwithstanding the many fallacies contained in the 
 Effencli's line of argument, I have thought it well that 
 it should, if possible, be made public in England, for 
 many reasons. In the first place, the question of re- 
 form, especially in Asiatic Turkey, occupies a dominant 
 position in English politics ; and it is of great importance 
 that we should know, not only that many intelligent 
 Turks consider a reform of the Government hopeless, 
 but to what causes they attribute the present decrepit 
 and corrupt condition of the empire. We can gather 
 from the views here expressed, though stated in a most 
 uncomplimentary manner, why many of the most en- 
 lightened Moslems, while lamenting the vices which 
 have brought their country to ruin, refuse to co-operate 
 in an attempt, on the part of the Western Powers, which, 
 in their opinion, would only be going from bad to worse. 
 However much we may differ from those whom we wish 
 to benefit, it would be folly to shut our ears to their 
 opinions in regard to ourselves or our religion, simply 
 because they are distasteful to us. We can best achieve 
 our end by candidly listening to what they may have to 
 say. And this must be my apology for the publication 
 of a letter so hostile in tone to our cherished convictions 
 and beliefs. At the same time, I cannot disguise from 
 myself, that while many of its statements are prejudiced 
 and highly coloured, others are not altogether devoid of 
 some foundation in truth : it never can do us any harm 
 to see ourselves sometimes as others see us. The tend-
 
 8 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 ency of mankind, and perhaps especially of Englishmen, 
 is so very much that of the ostrich, which is satisfied to 
 keep its head in the sand and see nothing that is dis- 
 turbing to its self-complacency, that a little rough hand- 
 ling occasionally does no harm. 
 
 These considerations have induced me to do my best 
 to make " the bark of the distant Effendi " be heard, to 
 use the fine imagery of Bon Gaultier ; l and with these 
 few words of introduction, I will leave him to tell his 
 own tale, and state his opinions on the burning questions 
 of the day. 
 
 " My dear Friend, — 
 
 " I proceed, in compliance with your request, 
 to put in writing a rdsumt in a condensed form of the 
 views which I have expressed in our various conversa- 
 tions together on the Eastern Question, premising only 
 that I have yielded to it under strong pressure, because 
 I fear they may wound the sensibilities or shock the 
 prejudices of your countrymen. As, however, you assure 
 me that they are sufficiently tolerant to have the ques- 
 tion in which they are so much interested, presented to 
 them from an oriental point of view, I shall write with 
 perfect frankness, and in the conviction that opinions, 
 however unpalatable they may be, which are only offered 
 to the public in the earnest desire to advance the cause 
 of truth, will meet with some response in the breasts of 
 those who are animated with an equally earnest desire 
 
 1 ' ' Say, is it the glance of the haughty vizier, 
 Or the bark of the distant Effendi, you fear ? " 
 
 — " Eastern Serenade : " Bon Gaultier's 
 'Book of Ballads.'
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 9 
 
 to find it. In order to explain how I have come to form 
 these opinions, I must, at the cost of seeming egoistic, 
 make a few prefatory remarks about myself. My father 
 was an official of high rank and old Turkish family, 
 resident for some time in Constantinople, and afterwards 
 in an important seaport in the Levant. An unusually 
 enlightened and well-educated man, he associated much 
 with Europeans ; and from early life I have been familiar 
 with the Greek, French, and Italian languages. He died 
 when I was about twenty years of age ; and I determined 
 to make use of the affluence to which I fell heir, by 
 travelling in foreign countries. I had already read 
 largely the literature of both France and Italy, and 
 had to a certain extent become emancipated from the 
 modes of thought, and I may even say from the religious 
 ideas, prevalent among my countrymen. I went in the 
 first instance to Rome, and after a year's sojourn there, 
 proceeded to England, where I assumed an Italian name, 
 and devoted myself to the study of the language, insti- 
 tutions, literature, and religion of the country. I was 
 at all times extremely fond of philosophical speculation, 
 and this led me to a study of German. My pursuits 
 were so engrossing that I saw little of society, and the 
 few friends I made were among a comparatively humble 
 class. I remained in England ten years, travelling 
 occasionally on the Continent, and visiting Turkey twice 
 during that time. I then proceeded to America, where 
 I passed a year, and thence went to India by way of 
 Japan and China. In India I remained two years, 
 resuming during this period an oriental garb, and liv- 
 ing principally among n5y co-religionists. I was chiefly
 
 10 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 occupied, however, in studying the religious movement 
 among the Hindoos known as the Bramo Somaj. From 
 India I vent to Ceylon, where I lived in great retire- 
 ment, and became deeply immersed in the more occult 
 knowledges of Buddhism. Indeed, these mystical studies 
 so intensely interested me, that it was with difficulty, 
 after a stay of three years, that I succeeded in tearing 
 myself away from them. I then passed, by way of the 
 Persian Gulf, into Persia, remained a year in Teheran, 
 whence I went to Damascus, where I lived for five 
 years, during which time I performed the Hadj, more 
 out of curiosity than as an act of devotion. Five years 
 ago I arrived here on my way to Constantinople, and 
 was so attracted by the beauty of the spot and the 
 repose which it seemed to offer me, that I determined 
 to pitch my tent here for the remainder of my days, and 
 to spend them in doing what I could to improve the lot 
 of those amidst whom Providence had thrown me. 
 
 " I am aware that this record of my travels will be 
 received with considerable surprise by those acquainted 
 witli the habits of life of Turks generally. I have 
 given it, however, to account for the train of thought 
 into which I have been led, and the conclusions at which 
 I have arrived, and to explain the exceptional and iso- 
 lated position in which I find myself among my own 
 countrymen, who, as a rule, have no sympathy with the 
 motives which have actuated me through life, or with 
 their results. I have hitherto observed, therefore, a 
 complete reticence in regard to both. Should, however, 
 these pages fall under the eye of any member of the 
 Theosophic Society, either in America, Europe, or Asia,
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 11 
 
 they will at once recognise the writer as one of then- 
 number, and will, I feel sure, respect that reserve as to 
 my personality which I wish to maintain. 
 
 " I have already said that in early life I became 
 thoroughly dissatisfied with the religion in which I was 
 born and brought up ; and, determined to discard all 
 early prejudices, I resolved to travel over the world, 
 visiting the various centres of religious thought, with the 
 view of making a comparative study of the value of its 
 religions, and of arriving at some conclusion as to the 
 one I ought myself to adopt. As, however, they each 
 claimed to be derived from an inspired source, I very 
 soon became overwhelmed with the presumption of the 
 task which I had undertaken ; for I was not conscious 
 of the possession of any verifying faculty which would 
 warrant my deciding between the claims of different 
 revelations, or of judging of the merits of rival forms of 
 inspiration. Xor did it seem possible to me that any 
 evidence in favour of a revelation, which was in all in- 
 stances offered by human beings like myself, could be 
 of such a nature that another human being should dare 
 to assert that it could have none other than a divine 
 origin ; the more especially as the author of it was in 
 all instances in external appearance also a human being. 
 At the same time, I am far from being so daring as to 
 maintain that the manifestation of the Deity in a human 
 form is impossible, much less that no divine revelation, 
 claiming to be such, is not pervaded with a divine 
 afflatus. On the contrary, it would seem that to a 
 greater or less extent they must all be so. Their rel- 
 ative values must depend, so far as our own earth is
 
 12 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 concerned, upon the amount of moral truth of a curative 
 kind in regard to this world's moral disease which they 
 contain, and upon their practical influence upon the lives 
 and conduct of men. I was therefore led to institute a 
 comparison between the objects which were proposed by 
 various religions ; and I found that just in the degree in 
 which they had been diverted from their original design 
 of world-regeneration, were the results unsatisfactory, so 
 far as human righteousness was concerned ; and that the 
 concentration of the mind of the devotee upon a future 
 state of life, and the salvation of his soul after he left 
 this world, tended to produce an enlightened selfishness 
 in his daily life, which has culminated in its extreme 
 form under the influence of one religion, and finally 
 resulted in what is commonly known as Western civil- 
 isation. For it is only logical, if a man be taught to 
 consider his highest religious duty to be the salvation of his 
 own soul, while the salvation of his neighbour's occupies 
 a secondary place, that he should instinctively feel his 
 highest earthly duty is the welfare of his own human 
 personality and that of those belonging to it in this 
 world. It matters not whether this future salvation is 
 to be attained by an act of faith, or by merit through 
 good works — the effort is none the less a selfish jone. 
 The religion to which I am now referring will be at once 
 recognised as the popular form of Christianity. After a 
 careful study of the teaching of the great founder of this 
 religion, I am amazed at the distorted character it has 
 assumed under the influence of the three great sects into 
 which it has become divided — to wit, the Greek, Catho- 
 lic, and Protestant Christians. There is no teaching so
 
 OX CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 13 
 
 thoroughly altruistic in its character, and which, if it 
 could be literally applied, would, I believe, exercise so 
 direct and beneficial an influence on the human race, as 
 the teaching of Christ ; but as there is no religious 
 teacher whose moral standard, in regard to the duties 
 of men towards each other in this world, was so lofty, so 
 there is none, it seems to me, as an impartial student, 
 the spirit of whose revelation has been more perverted 
 and degraded by His followers of all denominations. 
 The Buddhist, the Hindoo, and the Mohammedan, though 
 they have all more or less lost the influence of the 
 afflatus which pervades their sacred writings, have not 
 actually constructed a theology based upon the inversion 
 of the original principles of their religion. Their light, 
 never so bright as that which illumined the teachings of 
 Christ, has died away till but a faint flicker remains ; 
 but Christians have developed their social and political 
 morality out of the very blackness of the shadow thrown 
 by ' The Light of the World.' Hence it is that wherever 
 modern Christendom — which I will, for the sake of dis- 
 tinguishing it from the Christendom proposed by Christ, 
 style Anti-Christendom 1 — comes into contact with the 
 races who live under the dim religious light of their 
 
 1 I here remarked to the Effendi that there was something very offensive 
 to Christians in the term Anti-Christendom, as it possessed a peculiar 
 signification in their religious belief ; and I requested him to substitute 
 for it some other word. This he declined to do most positively ; and he 
 pointed to passages in the Koran, in which Mahomet prophesies the com- 
 ing of Antichrist. As he said it was an article of his faith that the Anti- 
 christ alluded to by the prophet was the culmination of the inverted 
 Christianity professed in these latter days, he could not so far compromise 
 with his conscience as to change the term, and rather than do so he would 
 withdraw the letter. I have therefore been constrained to let it remain.
 
 14 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 respective revelations, the feeble rays of the latter be- 
 come extinguished by the gross darkness of this Anti- 
 Christendom, and they lie crushed and mangled under 
 the iron heel of its organised and sanctified selfishness. 
 The real God of Anti-Christendom is Mammon : in Cath- 
 olic Anti-Christendom, tempered by a lust of spiritual 
 and temporal power; in Greek Anti-Christendom, tempered 
 by a lust of race aggrandisement ; but in Protestant Anti- 
 Christendom, reigning supreme. The cultivation of the 
 selfish instinct has unnaturally developed the purely in- 
 tellectual faculties at the expense of the moral ; has 
 stimulated competition ; and has produced a combina- 
 tion of mechanical inventions, political institutions, and 
 an individual force of character, against which so-called 
 ' heathen ' nations, whose cupidities and covetous pro- 
 pensities lie comparatively dormant, are utterly unable 
 to prevail. 
 
 " This overpowering love of ' the root of all evil,' with 
 the mechanical inventions in the shape of railroads, 
 telegraphs, ironclads, and other appliances which it has 
 discovered for the accumulation of wealth, and the de-' 
 struction of those who impede its accumulation, consti- 
 tutes what is called ' Western civilisation.' 
 
 " Countries in which there are no gigantic swindling 
 corporations, no financial crises by which millions are 
 ruined, or Catling guns by which they may be slain, are 
 said to be in a state of barbarism. When the civilisation 
 of Anti-Christendom comes into contact with barbarism 
 of this sort, instead of lifting it out of its moral error, 
 which would be the case if it were true Christendom, it 
 almost invariably shivers it to pieces. The consequence
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 15 
 
 of the arrival of the so-called Christian in a heathen 
 country is, not to bring immortal life, but physical and 
 moral death. Either the native races die out before him 
 — as in the case of the Eed Indian of America and the 
 Australian and New Zealander — or they save themselves 
 from physical decay by worshipping, with all the ardour 
 of perverts to a new religion, at the shrine of Mammon 
 — as in the case of Japan — and fortify themselves against 
 dissolution by such a rapid development of the mental 
 faculties and the avaricious instincts, as may enable them 
 to cope successfully with the formidable invading influ- 
 ence of Anti-Christendom. The disastrous moral tend- 
 encies and disintegrating effects of inverted Christianity 
 upon a race professing a religion which was far inferior 
 in its origin and conception, but which has been prac- 
 tised by its professors with more fidelity and devotion, 
 has been strikingly illustrated in the history of my own 
 country. One of the most corrupt forms which Chris- 
 tianity has ever assumed, was to be found organised in 
 the Byzantine empire at the time of its concpuest by the 
 Turks. Had the so-called Christian races which fell 
 under their sway in Europe during their victorious pro- 
 gress westward been compelled, without exception, to 
 adopt the faith of Islam, it is certain, to my mind, that 
 their moral condition would have been immensely im- 
 proved. Indeed, you who have travelled among the 
 Moslem Slavs of Bosnia and Herzegovina, who are the 
 descendants of converts to Islam at that epoch, will bear 
 testimony to the fact that they contrast most favourably 
 in true Christian virtues with the descendants of their 
 countrymen who remained Christians ; and I fearlessly
 
 16 A TURKISH EFFENDT 
 
 appeal to the Austrian authorities now governing those 
 provinces to bear me out in this assertion. Unfortunately, 
 a sufficiently large nominally Christian population was 
 allowed by the Turks to remain in their newly-acquired 
 possessions, to taint the conquering race itself. The vices 
 of Byzantinism speedily made themselves felt in the body 
 politic of Turkey. The subservient races, intensely su- 
 perstitious in the form of their religious belief, which 
 had been degraded into a passport system, by which the 
 believer in the efficacy of certain dogmas and ceremonials 
 might attain heaven irrespective of his moral character 
 on earth, were unrestrained by religious principle from 
 giving free rein to their natural propensities, which were 
 dishonest and covetous in the extreme. They thus re- 
 venged themselves on their conquerors, by undermining 
 them financially, politically, and morally ; they insidi- 
 ously plundered those who were too indifferent to wealth 
 to learn how to preserve it, and infected others with the 
 contagion of their own cupidity, until these became as 
 vicious and corrupt in their means of acquiring riches as 
 they were themselves. This process has been going on 
 for the last five hundred years, until the very fanaticism 
 of the race, which was its best protection against inverted 
 Christianity, has begun to die out, and the governing 
 class of Turks has with rare exceptions become as dis- 
 honest and degraded as the Ghiaours they despise. Still 
 they would have been able, for many years yet to come, 
 to hold their own in Europe, but for the enormously in- 
 creased facilities for the accumulation of wealth, and 
 therefore for the gratification of covetous propensities, 
 created within the last half-century by the discoveries
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 17 
 
 of steam and electricity. Not only was Turkey protected 
 formerly from the sordid and contaminating influence of 
 Anti-Christendom by the difficulties of communication, 
 but the mania of developing the resources of foreign 
 countries for the purpose of appropriating the wealth 
 which they might contain, became proportionately aug- 
 mented with increased facilities of transport — so that 
 now the very habits of thought in regard to countries 
 styled barbarous have become changed. As an example 
 of this, I would again refer to my own country. I can 
 remember the day when British tourists visited it with 
 a view to the gratification of their aesthetic tastes. They 
 delighted to contrast what they were then pleased to term 
 ' oriental civilisation ' with their own. Our very back- 
 wardness in the mechanical arts was an attraction to 
 them. They went home delighted with the picturesque- 
 ness and the indolence of the East. Its bazaars, its 
 costumes, its primitive old-world cachet, invested it in 
 their eyes with an indescribable charm ; and books were 
 written which fascinated the Western reader with pictures 
 of our manners and customs, because they were so dif- 
 ferent from those with which he was familiar. Now all 
 this is changed ; the modern traveller is in nine cases 
 out of ten a railroad speculator, or a mining engineer, or 
 a financial promoter, or a concession hunter, or perchance 
 a would-be member of Parliament like yourself, coming 
 to see how pecuniary or political capital can be made out 
 of us, and how he can best exploiter the resources of the 
 country to his own profit. This he calls ' reforming ' it. 
 His idea is, not how to make the people morally better, 
 but how best to develop their predatory instincts, and 
 
 B
 
 18 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 teach them to prey upon each other's pockets. For he 
 knows that by encouraging a rivalry in the pursuits of 
 wealth amongst a people comparatively unskilled in the 
 art of money-grubbing, his superior talent and experience 
 in that occupation will enable him to turn their efforts 
 to his own advantage. He disguises from himself the 
 immorality of the proceeding by the reflection that the 
 introduction of foreign capital will add to the wealth of 
 the country, and increase the material wellbeing and 
 happiness of the people. But apart from the fallacy that 
 wealth and happiness are synonymous terms, reform of 
 this kind rests on the assumption that the natural tem- 
 perament and religious tendencies of the race will lend 
 themselves to a keen commercial rivalry of this descrip- 
 tion ; and if it does not, they, like the Australian and 
 the Bed Indian, must disappear before it. Already the 
 process has begun in Europe. The Moslem is rapidly 
 being reformed out of existence altogether. Between the 
 upper and the nether millstone of Bussian greed for 
 territory and of British greed for money, and behind the 
 mask of a prostituted Christianity, the Moslem in Europe 
 has been ground to powder : hundreds of thousands of 
 innocent men, women, and children have either perished 
 by violence or starvation, or, driven from their homes, 
 are now struggling to keep body and soul together as 
 best they can in misery and desolation, crushed beneath 
 the wheels of the Juggernauth of ' Progress,' — their only 
 crime, like that of the poor crossing-sweeper, I think, in 
 one of your own novels, that they did not 'move on.' 
 This is called in modern parlance 'the civilising influence 
 of Christianity.' At this moment the Bussians are push-
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 19 
 
 ing roads through their newly-acquired territory toward 
 Kars. I am informed by an intelligent Moslem gentle- 
 man who has just arrived from that district, that the 
 effect of their ' civilising ' influence upon the inhabitants 
 of the villages through which these roads pass, is to 
 convert the women into prostitutes and the men into 
 drunkards. No wonder the Mohammedan population is 
 flocking in thousands across the frontier into Turkish 
 territory, abandoning their homes and landed posses- 
 sions in order to escape the contamination of Anti-Chris- 
 tendom. 
 
 " In these days of steam and electricity, not only has 
 the traveller no eye for the moral virtues of a people, but 
 his aesthetic faculties have become blunted ; he regards 
 them only as money-making machines, and he esteems 
 them just in the degree in which they excel in the art 
 of wealth-accumulation. Blinded by a selfish utilitarian- 
 ism, he can now see only barbarism in a country where 
 the landscape is not obscured by. the black smoke of 
 factory-chimneys, and the ear deafened by the scream of 
 the locomotive. For him a people who cling to the 
 manners and customs of a bygone epoch with which 
 their own most glorious traditions are associated, have no 
 charm. He sees in a race which still endeavours to 
 follow the faith of their forefathers with simplicity and 
 devotion, nothing but ignorant fanaticism; for he has long 
 since substituted hypocrisy for sincerity in his own 
 belief. He despises a peasantry whose instincts of sub- 
 mission and obedience induce them to suffer rather than 
 rise in revolt against a Government which oppresses 
 them, because the head of it is invested in their eyes
 
 20 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 with a sacred character. He can no longer find any- 
 thing to admire or to interest in the contrast between 
 the East and West, but everything to condemn ; and 
 his only sympathy is with that section of the popula- 
 tion in Turkey who, called Christians like himself, like 
 him devote themselves to the study of how much can 
 be made, by fair means or foul, out of their Moslem 
 neighbours. 
 
 " While I observe that this change has come over the 
 Western traveller of late years — a change which I attrib- 
 ute to the mechanical appliances of the age — a corre- 
 sponding effect, owing to the same cause, has, I regret to 
 say, been produced upon my own countrymen. A grad- 
 ual assimilation has been for some time in progress in 
 the East with the habits and customs of the rest of 
 Europe. We are abandoning our distinctive costume, and 
 adapting ourselves to a Western mode of life in many 
 ways. We are becoming lax in the observances of our 
 religion ; and it is now the fashion for our women to get 
 their high-heeled boots and bonnets from Paris, and for 
 our youths of good family to go to that city of pleasure, 
 or to one of the large capitals of Europe for their educa- 
 tion. Here they adopt all the vices of Anti-Christendom, 
 for the attractions of a civilisation based upon enlight- 
 ened selfishness are overpoweringly seductive, and they 
 return without religion of any sort — shallow, sceptical, 
 egoistical, and thoroughly demoralised. It is next to 
 impossible for a Moslem youth, as I myself experienced, 
 to come out of that fire uncontaminated. His religion 
 fits him to live with simple and primitive races, and 
 even to acquire a moral control over them ; but he is
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 21 
 
 fascinated and overpowered by the mighty influence of 
 the glamour of the West. He returns to Turkey with 
 his principles thoroughly undermined, and, if he has 
 sufficient ability, adds one to the number of those who 
 misgovern it. 
 
 '"The two dominant vices which characterise Anti- 
 Christendom are cupidity and hypocrisy. That which 
 chiefly revolts the Turk in this disguised attack upon the 
 morals of his people, no less than upon the very exist- 
 ence of his empire, is, that it should be made under the 
 pretext of morality, and behind the flimsy veil of hu- 
 manitarianism. It is in the nature of the religious idea 
 that just in proportion as it was originally penetrated 
 with a divine truth, which has become perverted, does 
 it engender hypocrisy. This was so true of Judaism, 
 that when the founder of Christianity came, though 
 himself a Jew, he scorchingly denounced the class which 
 most loudly professed the religion which they profaned. 
 But the Phariseeism which has made war upon Turkey 
 is far more intense in degree than that which he at- 
 tacked, for the religion which it profanes contains the 
 most divine truth which the world ever received. Ma- 
 homet divided the nether world into seven hells, and in 
 the lowest he placed the hypocrites of all religions. I 
 have now carefully examined into many religions, but as 
 none of them demanded so high a standard from its fol- 
 lowers as Christianity, there has not been any develop- 
 ment of hypocrisy out of them at all corresponding to 
 that which is peculiar to Anti-Christianity. For that 
 reason I am constrained to think that its contributions 
 to the region assigned to hypocrites by the prophet will
 
 22 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 be out of all proportion to the contributions of other 
 religions. 
 
 " In illustration of this, see how the principles of 
 morality and justice have been recently hypocritically 
 outraged in Thessaly and Albania, where, on the moral 
 ground that a nationality has an inherent right to the 
 property of its neighbour, if it can make a claim of 
 similarity of race, Thessaly was forcibly given to Greece ; 
 while, in violation of the same moral principle, a northern 
 district was taken from the Albanian nationality, to 
 which by right of race it belonged, and violently and 
 against the will of the people, who were in no way 
 consulted as. to their fate, was handed over for annexa- 
 tion to the Montenegrins — a race whom the population 
 annexed traditionally hate and detest. 
 
 " When Anti-Christian nations, sitting in solemn con- 
 gress, can be guilty of such a prostitution of the most 
 sacred principles in the name of morality, and con- 
 struct an international code of ethics to be applicable 
 to Turkey alone, which they would one and all refuse 
 to admit or be controlled by themselves, — when we find 
 that the Jewish population of Eussia, that Christian 
 country which has just made war upon us in the name 
 of humanity, are fleeing to Turkey for refuge from an 
 outburst of Christian religious persecution and hatred, 
 which has resulted in most hideous excesses of rapine 
 and murder, — when we read through the lists of agrarian 
 outrages upon men and animals perpetrated by Chris- 
 tians in Ireland under a system of Government which 
 claims to be the most successful example of social, moral, 
 and practical progress now in existence, — and when, in
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 23 
 
 the face of all this most transparent humbug, these 
 Anti - Christian nations arrogate to themselves, on the 
 ground of their superior civilisation and morality, the 
 right to impose reform upon Turkey, — we neither admit 
 their pretensions, covet their civilisation, accept their 
 theology, believe in their good faith, nor respect their 
 morality. 
 
 " Thus it is that, from first to last, the woes of 
 Turkey have been clue to its contact with Anti- Christen- 
 dom. The race is now paying the penalty for that lust 
 of dominion and power which tempted them in the first 
 instance to cross the Bosphorus. From the day on 
 which the tree of empire was planted in Europe, the 
 canker, in the shape of the opposing religion, began to 
 gnaw at its roots. When the Christians within had 
 thoroughly eaten out its vitals, they called on the Chris- 
 tians without for assistance ; and it is morally impossible 
 that the decayed trunk can much longer withstand their 
 combined efforts. But as I commenced by saying, had 
 the invading Moslems in the first instance converted the 
 entire population to their creed, Turkey might have even 
 now withstood the assaults of ' progress.' Nay, more, it 
 is not impossible that her victorious armies might have 
 overrun Europe, and that the faith of Islam might have 
 extended over the whole of what is now termed the 
 civilised world. I have often thought whether it would 
 not have been happier for Europe, and unquestionably 
 for the rest of the world, had such been the case. That 
 wars and national antagonisms would have continued is 
 doubtless true ; but we should have been saved the 
 violent political and social changes which have resulted
 
 24 A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 from steam and electricity, and have continued to live 
 the simple and primitive life which satisfied the aspira- 
 tions of our ancestors, and in which they found content- 
 ment and happiness, while millions of barbarians would 
 to this day have remained in ignorance of the gigantic 
 vices peculiar to Anti-Christian civilisation. The West 
 would then have been spared the terrible consequences 
 which are even now impending, as the inevitable result 
 of an intellectual progress to which there has been no 
 corresponding moral advance. The persistent violation 
 for eighteen centuries of the great altruistic law pro- 
 pounded and enjoined by the great founder of the Chris- 
 tian religion, must inevitably produce a corresponding 
 catastrophe ; and the day is not far distant when modern 
 civilisation will find that in its great scientific discoveries 
 and inventions, devised for the purpose of ministering to 
 its own extravagant necessities, it has forged the weapons 
 by which it will itself be destroyed. No better evidence 
 of the truth of this can be found than in the fact that 
 Anti- Christendom alone is menaced with the danger of 
 a great class revolution : already in every so-called Chris- 
 tian country we hear the mutterings of the coming storm, 
 when labour and capital will find themselves arrayed 
 against each other, — when rich and poor will meet in 
 deadly antagonism, and the spoilers and the spoiled 
 solve, by means of the most recently invented artillery, 
 the economic problems of modern ' progress.' It is 
 surely a remarkable fact, that this struggle between 
 rich and poor is specially reserved for those whose 
 religion inculcates upon them, as the highest law — the 
 love of their neighbour — and most strongly denounces
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 25 
 
 the love of money. No country which does not bear 
 the name of Christian is thus threatened. Even in 
 Turkey, in spite of its bad government and the many 
 Christians who live in it, socialism, communism, nihilism, 
 internationalism, and all kindred forms of class revolu- 
 tion, are unknown, for the simple reason that Turkey 
 has so far, at least, successfully resisted the influence of 
 ' An ti- Christian civilisation.' 
 
 " In the degree in which the State depends for its 
 political, commercial, and social wellbeing and prosperity, 
 not upon a moral but a mechanical basis, is its founda- 
 tion perilous. When the life - blood of a nation is its 
 wealth, and the existence of that wealth depends upon 
 the regularity with which railroads and telegraphs per- 
 form their functions, it is in the power of a few skilled 
 artisans, by means of a combined operation, to strangle 
 it. Only a few years ago the engineers and firemen of 
 a few railroads in the United States struck for a week ; 
 nearly a thousand men were killed and wounded before 
 the trains could be set running again ; millions of dollars' 
 worth of property was destroyed. The contagion spread 
 to the mines and factories, and had the movement been 
 more skilfully organised, the whole country would have 
 been in revolution, and it is impossible to tell what the 
 results might have been. Combinations among the work- 
 ing classes are now rendered practicable by rail and wire, 
 which formerly were impossible ; and the facilities which 
 exist for secret conspiracy have turned Europe into a 
 slumbering volcano, an eruption of which is rapidly 
 approaching. 
 
 " Thus it is that the laws of retribution run their
 
 2G A TURKISH EFFENDI 
 
 course, and that the injuries that Anti-Christendom has 
 inflicted upon the more primitive and simple races of the 
 world, which — under the pretext of civilising them — it 
 has explored to its own profit, will be amply avenged. 
 Believe me, my dear friend, that it is under no vindic- 
 tive impulse or spirit of religious intolerance that I write 
 thus : on the contrary, though I consider Mussulmans 
 generally to be far more religious than Christians, inas- 
 much as they practise more conscientiously the teaching 
 of their prophet, I feel that teaching from an ethical 
 point of view to be infinitely inferior to that of Christ. 
 I have written, therefore, without prejudice, in this 
 attempt philosophically to analyse the nature and causes 
 of the collision which has at last culminated between the 
 East and the West, between so-called Christendom and 
 Islam. And I should only be too thankful if it could 
 be proved to me that I had done the form of religion 
 you profess, or the nation to which you belong, an in- 
 justice. I am far from wishing to insinuate that among 
 Christians, even as Christianity is at present professed 
 and practised, there are not as good men as among 
 nations called heathen and barbarous. I am even pre- 
 pared to admit there are better — for some struggle to 
 practise the higher virtues of Christianity, not unsuccess- 
 fully considering the manner in which these are conven- 
 tionally travestied ; while others, who reject the popular 
 theology altogether, have risen higher than ordinary 
 modern Christian practice by force of reaction against 
 the hypocrisy and shams by which they are surrounded, 
 — but these are in a feeble minority, and unable to affect 
 the popular standard. Such men existed among the
 
 ON CHRISTENDOM AND ISLAM. 27 
 
 Jews at the time of Christ, but they did not prevent 
 Him from denouncing the moral iniquities of His day, 
 or the Church which countenanced them. At the same 
 time, I must remind you that I shrank from the task 
 which you imposed upon me, and only consented at last 
 to undertake it on your repeated assurances that by 
 some, at all events, of your countrymen, the spirit by 
 which I have been animated in writing thus frankly will 
 not be misconceived. — Believe me, my dear friend, yours 
 very sincerely, 
 
 " A Turkish Effendi."
 
 28 
 
 II. 
 AUNT ANN'S GHOST STOKY. 
 
 On the 1st of December, fifteen years ago, I made my 
 first appearance in a county ball-room. That I should 
 choose the 1st of December, fifteen years later, to make 
 my first appearance in print, is probably due to the fact 
 that I have spent the interval in Eussia. Considering 
 how extremely fond I have always been of putting my 
 impressions upon paper, and the voluminous correspond- 
 ence with which the friends of my youth have been 
 favoured during my long absence from England, I can 
 only suppose that it never occurred to me to publish, 
 because I never met a lady in my adopted home who 
 had ventured upon so bold a measure. Moreover I feel 
 certain that, had I hinted at the possibility of so un- 
 feminine a proceeding to my husband — who was then 
 an officer in the Imperial Guard — I should have in- 
 creased instead of dissipated certain prejudices against 
 the English nation, which, however, had not prevented 
 his asking me to go with him to his own country. That 
 I di(J so at the age of seventeen, is the best proof I can
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 29 
 
 give that I am not constitutionally timid — a fact which 
 I will ask my readers to bear in mind in the course of 
 the narrative I am about to relate. I am encouraged to 
 believe it to be worth telling from the circumstance, that 
 no sooner did I reach my old home in England, than a 
 cluster of children, who had not existed when I left it, 
 invaded the sanctity of my bedroom when I was lying 
 down to rest before dinner on the day of my arrival, and" 
 insisted upon my telling them myself the ghost story, by 
 virtue of which the name of their near relation was kept 
 ever fresh in their memories. Those thrilling details 
 which I had communicated in my letters at full length 
 at the time, had been repeated by my sister to each suc- 
 ceeding nephew and niece as he or she had arrived at 
 years of sufficient discretion to enable his or her hair to 
 stand on end when terrified ; but the luxury of horror 
 which Aunt Ann's story invariably inspired was reli- 
 giously kept as a great Christmas treat, and was looked 
 upon as quite unrivalled in its line — partly because it 
 was true, and partly because no other aunt in any neigh- 
 bouring family had ever had any such thing happen to 
 her ; a circumstance which was always dwelt upon with 
 great triumph and satisfaction when any other children 
 ventured either to praise their aunts or to discuss ghosts 
 in the abstract. So in the darkening hours of a gloomy 
 autumn afternoon I told my own story, for I saw it 
 would be impossible to put it off until Christmas ; and 
 when my little audience, whose thorough knowledge of 
 every incident did not in the least prevent them listen- 
 ing with the same rapt interest each time the story was 
 told them, had trotted off, I thought that if they could
 
 30 AUNT ANNS GHOST STORY. 
 
 bear to hear it so many times, some older children might 
 bear to read it once. So now, as the clocks are striking 
 midnight, I stir the fire with a chuckle, for I have not 
 seen a fireplace for fifteen years, and I pull near it my 
 comfortable arm-chair — I have not seen what I call an 
 arm-chair for the same time : with a fervent blessing on 
 " the stately homes of England," I shall proceed to give 
 my first experience of my dreary home in Russia. 
 
 I had been little more than a year in St Petersburg 
 when my husband was ordered on special service to a 
 distant part of the empire. As the duty he was sent to 
 perform would, in all probability, involve a prolonged 
 absence, it was decided that I should be sent to a 
 chateau which belonged to him in the Ukraine, and 
 there wait his return. As, however, I was utterly in- 
 experienced in the manners and customs of Russian 
 country life, I was furnished with a guide, philosopher, 
 and friend, in the person of his sister Olga, then a very 
 charming ddbutante, now a very distinguished member of 
 the Russian corps diplomatique. It was no wonder, after 
 having turned so many heads during the winter, that her 
 own began to swim, and that she should look forward 
 with pleasure to the repose of a country life, and the 
 novel task of initiating a stranger into its mysteries. 
 Nor was it without a flutter of excitement that I found 
 myself packed into a roomy travelling carriage, contain- 
 ing my friend, my baby, and the nurse, and followed by 
 two other curiously constructed vehicles, covered with as 
 many goods and chattels as if we were going finally to 
 settle in some newly inhabited colony. When I looked 
 at the servants, bedding, and provisions that were stowed
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 3 1 
 
 away in and over our three cumbrous equipages, I felt as 
 if I was leading an exploring party, and responsible to 
 the Geographical Society for the results of my obser- 
 vations : indeed, so vivid were the impressions which the 
 incidents of this my first journey through the heart of the 
 country made upon my mind, that I feel sure I should 
 have produced a very good paper for an evening meeting. 
 But now, how monotonous does that well-known way — 
 with its sign-posts over dreary wastes of snow in winter, 
 its bottomless sloughs in spring and autumn, its clouds 
 of dust in summer, its tracts of deep sand, its gloomy 
 pine- forests, and its rolling grass steppes — seem to me ! 
 How distinctly do I recall the deserted post - stations 
 where the horses are never forthcoming, and how well 
 I seem to know even the individual horses when they 
 do come, and can distinguish between the yamchiks who 
 are my friends, and those for whom I have an antipathy. 
 As for night quarters, there is not an inn on the whole 
 line of road the rooms of which I have not, at some time 
 or other, furnished with all that portable material which 
 I carry with me on such occasions, and which, if it goes 
 on increasing, will ultimately include a pier-glass and a 
 piano. 
 
 How I wondered then at the rapidity with which the 
 servants made things comfortable, and still more at the 
 singular ideas which both they and Olga entertained of 
 what comfort was ! 
 
 At length, after many clays, and now and then a night 
 or two, of travel, we came upon the steppe country, where 
 the forests were more scattered and the population sparser, 
 until at last the whole landscape was a boundless expanse
 
 32 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 of grass, except in one direction, where a dark mass, like 
 the shadow of a cloud, marked a distant wood. No 
 sooner was it visible than my companion clapped her 
 hands with delight, the horses were urged into a gallop, 
 the carriage bounded more wildly than usual over the 
 deep ruts formed by the winter rains, now baked into 
 troughs that would have smashed ordinary springs, and 
 I needed no other evidence to prove to me that our 
 destination was at hand. I confess my heart sank 
 within me, for there was something inexpressibly dreary 
 in the prospect. My baby, who had undergone the trials 
 of the journey with a fortitude and a power of endurance 
 truly Sclavonic, set up a loud wail, which it seemed to 
 me could only arise from instinctive dread and dismay. 
 I looked round in every direction, and though the range 
 of vision was most extensive, not the vestige of a cottage 
 was visible, not a human being enlivened the scene ; so I 
 sank gently back and in silence, and added my tears to 
 baby's. Fortunately, Olga was too much excited to notice 
 me, and after violently hugging my first-born in a par- 
 oxysm of delight, she performed the same operation upon 
 me. Thanks to the moisture she had acquired from the 
 cheeks of that little cherub, she did not discover the tears 
 on mine ; so we plunged into the gloomy recesses of the 
 wood, and I was cheered by seeing a road branch off to 
 the right, which she informed me led to the village. 
 While wondering whether it would be possible to do a 
 little " parish " in it, and secretly making up my mind to 
 open a Sunday-school, I was startled by the hollow sound 
 of the horse's hoofs upon a wooden bridge, and looking 
 out, saw that we were crossing a dry moat, and entering
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 33 
 
 an old moss-grown castle, through a somewhat dilapidated 
 archway. 
 
 Immense trees overhung the building, which I had 
 only time to observe was very ancient, but still ap- 
 parently substantial, and very quaint and irregular in 
 form. 
 
 "We pulled up at a low door in a grass-grown quad- 
 rangle, where stood an old white-headed servitor, into 
 whose arms Olga precipitated herself with the most 
 ardent expressions of joy : behind him a row of domestics 
 evidently gazed with no little awe and respect upon the 
 retinue of town servants we had brought from St Peters- 
 burg. Notwithstanding the bustle and the high state of 
 preparation of everybody for our arrival, I felt chilled by a 
 sensation of solitude and desolation I had not experienced 
 since leaving England : the whirl and gaiety of the capi- 
 tal, the constant attendance at court which fell to my lot 
 — the excitement and novelty of a life altogether which 
 never allowed a moment for serious thought — had kept 
 me, as I supposed, contented and happy. Too young to 
 discover cares in life which did not exist, too giddy to 
 seek out occupation I did not desire, I had lived like a 
 butterfly in a beautiful garden, and now suddenly found 
 myself without the flowers, and the sunshine, and the 
 other butterflies that used to pay me court. It was a 
 moment of terrible reaction — even my companion's high 
 spirits failed to make me take a cheerful view of things. 
 When I followed the old white-headed man under the 
 low doorway, and Olga linked her arm in mine, I felt as 
 if he was the jailor, and she was escorting me to a dun- 
 geon in which I was to be confined for life. It was very 
 
 C
 
 34 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 wrong, I know, and I concealed my feelings as much as 
 I could, but she felt me shudder as I leant upon her arm, 
 and stopped suddenly. " Why," she said, " do you 
 tremble so much ? are you frightened ? Who told you 
 the castle was haunted ? " I had never heard anything 
 about the castle, except that my husband used to make 
 there what he called his " economies," by which he meant 
 that he had a bailiff who lived in it and farmed his pro- 
 perty for him ; and as for its being haunted, it was a 
 positive relief to my mind to hear anything about it half 
 so interesting. So I laughed at the notion of an English- 
 woman either believing in or being afraid of ghosts, and 
 said I shivered because a cold draught came down the 
 passage along which we were passing. " Yes," observed 
 my companion, "since the bailiff refused to live in it, 
 the castle has been quite uninhabited, so that the air 
 feels chilly ; but we will have the stoves lighted and 
 make ourselves comfortable. There is not the least 
 danger in the daytime, and at night we will sleep in the 
 cottage, which papa built just before his death, when the 
 ghosts made it impossible to sleep any longer in the 
 castle." As she said this we were standing in a fine old 
 hall, round which were ranged some figures in armour ; 
 the walls were decorated with tapestry, and where the 
 wood panelling appeared, it was in many places painted 
 so as to form a picture with the edge of the panel for 
 the frame. Very uncouth men and women indeed the 
 worthy progenitors of my husband appeared, as depicted 
 upon these ancestral walls — capable of any deed of dark- 
 ness, and just the sort of people who would continue to 
 live in the castle when they ought to have been reposing
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 35 
 
 like respectable members of the Greek Church in the 
 number of square feet of soil allotted to them. Unfor- 
 tunately, instead of being buried, some had been put into 
 a family vault, and were perhaps more restless on that 
 account. Whatever be the reason, the current supersti- 
 tion was, that the originals of some of the portraits which 
 adorned the walls of this large hall continued to inhabit 
 the castle, to the exclusion of its present lawful posses- 
 sors ; and an extremely savage-looking Sclavonian war- 
 rior, with a battle-axe in his hand, and what seemed to 
 be some sort of drum at his feet, was the most generally 
 acknowledged spectre. Why he was chosen, I know not, 
 except that the favourite sound of the ghostly occupant 
 was said to be the rattle of a drum, or rather a thing 
 like a tom-tom, which in those early clays was one of the 
 musical instruments of these barbarians. I confess, at 
 the moment I was thinking very little about my husband's 
 restless ancestors ; my thoughts were back in my own 
 dear little room at home — that room in which I am now 
 writing this ; and I would have embraced the knees of 
 the most disreputable of spectres who should at that 
 moment have pounced upon me from any of the surround- 
 ing pictures, and in the twinkling of an eye have landed 
 me on the door-steps of the paternal mansion. So I 
 turned a deaf ear to Olga's patter about goblins, and 
 gazed vacantly at the gaunt figures in armour, and the 
 gloomy groined roof overhead, and the faded tapestry and 
 ill-drawn portraits. I saw that a massive staircase led 
 to regions overhead, as yet unexplored, and I perceived 
 that it was really true that we were not going to sleep in 
 the castle. Still we seemed to be going partially to in-
 
 36 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 habit it, for a rather dark passage led from the hall into 
 a really charming drawing-room, where the air had been 
 warmed, and the temperature was agreeable. It was 
 furnished in the most modern Parisian style, and from 
 one window a view was obtained of a straggling cottage 
 or two of the village, the greater part of which was con- 
 cealed by the wood. That window was quite a consola- 
 tion to me for the moment, and altogether the room 
 looked habitable and light, and I felt my spirits rising 
 again. A small dining-room opened off the drawing- 
 room, but on festive occasions the large hall I have 
 already described was used. Beyond the small dining- 
 room there was a billiard-room. A passage led from the 
 drawing-room to a glass door, upon opening which we 
 emerged upon a bridge which crossed the moat, but which 
 was covered in partly with glass and partly with planking. 
 This led into a detached cottage, consisting of nothing 
 but bedrooms. The fact that the castle itself was of 
 immense dimensions, and contained any amount of accom- 
 modation, and that the family had nevertheless been 
 positively driven out of it by ghosts, and obliged to build 
 a cottage to sleep in, was the most practical evidence I 
 could have desired that, whatever might be the founda- 
 tion of the belief, it existed pretty strongly. I have been 
 obliged, for reasons that will presently appear, to be thus 
 particular in describing the plan of the castle, and of the 
 principal rooms in it. 
 
 The cottage was decidedly an improvement on the 
 gloomy structure we had left. Whereas the castle was 
 surrounded on three sides by dense black pine forest, the 
 trees of which overhung the moat, and almost shot their
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 37 
 
 branches into the upper windows, the view from the 
 cottage presented the strangest contrast from my bedroom 
 window. Not a tree bigger than a rose-bush was visible 
 anywhere ; a neglected flower-garden was bounded by a 
 sunk fence, to which it descended in a gentle slope, and 
 beyond that nothing but grass, with here and there a 
 field of Indian-corn or wheat stubble : still, with the 
 bright sun setting upon it, there was something comfort- 
 ing in its very grandeur and expanse. I seemed to 
 breathe again after having been nearly stifled in the 
 castle. The dungeon-feeling was going off, and a mo- 
 mentary sensation of butterfly seemed to thrill through 
 me. Two peasant women were returning from work to 
 the village, and as I opened the window I heard them 
 sing. Decidedly I should visit the poor of the parish 
 to-morrow. I would find out an old serf " bad with the 
 rheumatiz, my lady," and take him " Rhus." Then I 
 looked at the women as they walked away, and wondered 
 if I wanted to sell them how I should have to set about 
 it — whether they were fixtures on the land, or if I could 
 let them ; and then I thought it would be more philan- 
 thropic to hire anybody I saw belonging to a neighbour 
 that seemed unhappy, and that led me to think of neigh- 
 bours, and I asked Olga who our neighbours were, and 
 how far off they lived. She told me the nearest lived 
 seventeen miles off, but that he was a horrid man, who 
 had ill-treated his wife till she died, and he now lived 
 there alone ; and the next nearest was a lady, who had 
 been married and divorced a great many times, and finally 
 got tired of going through the ceremony, but who did not 
 the less prefer the society of gentlemen to that of ladies.
 
 38 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 Then there was an old lady who lived by herself, twenty- 
 four miles off; and a charming family thirty miles off, 
 whose acquaintance I made some years after. All this 
 was discouraging, and I ceased to be a butterfly again. 
 The growling and grumbling of my English maid, who 
 ever since her arrival in Eussia had, for some reason 
 known only to herself, pertinaciously refused to have her 
 tea made in a samovar, and who now said that when I 
 engaged her to accompany me to Eussia I should have 
 mentioned that " the family was inhabited with ghosts," 
 did not improve my frame of mind ; and when she gave 
 me warning, and announced her intention to go, and I 
 thought how difficult it had been to come, I told her 
 with a malicious satisfaction that I should be the least 
 obstacle she would have to encounter in carrying out her 
 design of returning to her native land ; on which, feeling 
 the impossibility of putting her threat into execution, she 
 retorted that it was my fault if I had made her " an 
 Elisabeth, or Exile in Siberia," and burst into a violent 
 paroxysm of tears. 
 
 Fortunately the ills of life do not assume large dimen- 
 sions at eighteen, and in a few days I had quite re- 
 covered my wonted spirits. I had explored every nook 
 and corner of the old castle in the boldest and most sac- 
 rilegious way. I had opened rooms supposed to be ex- 
 clusively inhabited by ghosts. I had been stifled with 
 clouds of dust in the course of my investigations. I had 
 taken the skin off my fingers trying to turn gigantic keys 
 in impossible locks, and Olga had kept at a respectable 
 distance behind me, and uttered a little scream every 
 time I had broken into a new room. As to the old
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 39 
 
 steward, he was as much scandalised at the exploratory 
 tendencies of the mistress as at the fine airs of the maid : 
 while I was scrambling up rickety ladders in spite of all 
 warning about the dangers of their breaking, she was in- 
 sisting upon hot-water bottles for her feet. To my intense 
 delight, I discovered two very sociable greyhounds at the 
 bailiff's; and as horse-breeding was part of the farm 
 operations, I had no difficulty in getting a new mount 
 every clay until I was satisfied ; and then how Olga and 
 I used to fly across the country after hares, and how 
 fond the clogs and the horses and the riders all got of 
 each other at last ! Then I made acquaintance with the 
 whole population of the village, and though I could not 
 exchange an idea with one of them, I found plenty to 
 do ; and I was beginning to forget all about the ghosts, 
 when one night, just as I was going to sleep, in flounces 
 ' Elisabeth, or the Exile," gives two violent gasps, and 
 faints dead away by the side of my bed. Not being at 
 all of a nervous temperament myself, I don't generally 
 make allowances for persons addicted to hysteria; but 
 there was not the slightest doubt about the genuineness 
 of Elisabeth's present condition, and at least half an hour 
 elapsed before, by dint of violent remedies, I succeeded 
 in restoring consciousness. Not that I gained much, 
 for no sooner did she " come to " — to use her own ex- 
 pression — than she shut her eyes and "went off" again. 
 This she did three times, and tin mi her anxiety to tell me 
 the story overcame every other consideration, and she sat 
 up, took rather a long sip of sol-volatile, and commenced. 
 I should premise that I had allowed Elisabeth — who, by 
 the way, never permitted either me or anybody else to
 
 40 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 call her anything but Phillips, and whose Christian name 
 was Jane — to sit and work in a sort of little boudoir 
 that opened off the billiard-room, in order that she might 
 not mix with the other servants, who, she said, were not 
 " sympatica " to her — she had spent a winter in Borne 
 with a lady before coming to me. " So," says Phillips, 
 " knowing, my lady, that you would want your riding- 
 'abit the first thing in the morning, and that I should 
 have to let a whole new bit in, in consequence of your 
 ladyship's always tearing your 'abit exactly in the same 
 place — leastways three mornings running — I hantici- 
 pated rather a long job, and so I determined to set about 
 it at once ; and your ladyship may imagine the 'orror I 
 conceived when I found, on reaching my apartment after 
 undressing of your ladyship, that I had left my needle- 
 book and thimble, and bother working materials, in my 
 morning boodwar. Well, my lady, I was in a great 
 many minds before I could summing up courage to go 
 into that dreadful castle at this time of night ; and it 
 was not without awful trembling — and I may say even 
 haspen-like shakings — that I 'urried along the glass 
 passage across the moat, a-shading of the candle with 
 my 'and. When I opened the door into the billiard- 
 room there come a gust of wind that almost extinguished 
 my light ; and I got so frightened that I turned back 
 again as far as the passage, and there I stopped to take 
 breath, and that gave me time to think of your ladyship's 
 displeasure if I did not get the 'abit ready, and so I 
 gently opened the door again and listened, but, as Mr 
 Munckting Mills, the present Lord Houghting, beautifully 
 observes, ' the beating of my own 'art was the honly
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 41 
 
 sound I 'eard,' leastways at that moment, my lady. A 
 moment after, I tripped over a billiard-cue which was 
 prostrated, — and, oh ! what another start that give me. 
 I felt as if I was made up of electrical wires and was 
 keeping on having shocks from everything I touched — 
 being continually and perpetually expecting of ghosts 
 made me almost feel as if I was somebody else, especi- 
 ally when the light made my own 'orrid shadow stand 
 up on the wall all of a suckling, right opposite to me. 
 Well, my lady, I was shaking so when I got 'old of my 
 working materials that I run the needles into my fingers 
 without caring, and was running away, feeling always 
 that somebody might be close behind me in the dark for 
 all I knew to the contrairy, when of a sudden, as I got 
 into the passage leading from the great hall to the 
 
 billiard-room — oh, my lady ! " Here Phillips began 
 
 again to tremble so violently that I poured out some 
 more sal- volatile ; and, in order to encourage her, as I 
 administered it, said, " Well, my good Phillips, what did 
 you see ? " " Oh, nothing, my lady ; nothing visible 
 could ever make such awful sounds ; and it was right in 
 my ear, not an inch off, as I am a living woman. Just 
 as I come out of the billiard-room off it went with a 
 bang, exactly like the militia." 
 
 " Well, but off what went ? could you see nothing ? " 
 " Why, first, I never looked ; and, second, it was too 
 dark if I had ; it was just at the corner where the pas- 
 sage turns to the glass door ; but, oh, it was so loud, I 
 wonder you did not hear it here ; it were like a number 
 of little pistols going off quick as light, one after the 
 other. Coming on me of a sudding, and me feeling as I
 
 42 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 was, and being wound up to the 'ighest pitch at any 
 rate, I gave a scream and a jump, my lady, as I shall 
 never know how many feet in the air ; and I never 
 stopped screaming and running with occasional jumps, 
 and once I fell down, till I came to your ladyship's bed- 
 side, where here I shall remain and never again to move. 
 Oh dear ! oh dear ! " and Phillips went off into a fit of 
 incoherent lamentation and much sobbing, in the course 
 of which I induced her to get upon the couch, where she 
 finally cried herself to sleep. I was excessively an- 
 noyed. In the first place, Phillips was full enough of 
 fancies without silly practical jokes being played upon 
 her to increase them ; and, in the second, she was suffi- 
 ciently difficult to please without making Eussia more 
 intolerable to her than it already was. So spake the 
 sensible, practical Englishwoman ; but in so speaking I 
 am bound to say she was not telling the real truth. I 
 felt I was deceiving myself. I knew well enough it was 
 no trick of the servants to frighten my maid. There 
 was not a servant in the place who would venture into 
 the castle after we had left the drawing-room. More- 
 over, had not the very owner, to say nothing of the 
 bailiff, been frightened out of the place years ago, and 
 gone to the expense of building bedrooms ? Again, 
 what Phillips said about the nature of the sounds was 
 consistent with general report : it was said they were so 
 loud sometimes that there was not a servant in the place 
 who had not heard them. So much so, that on certain 
 nights of the week the villagers used timidly to approach 
 the castle, and listen ; and then, the moment the noises 
 broke out, would run away terrified. The day most
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 43 
 
 patronised by the ghosts, I had heard, was Saturday; but 
 whether our presence had kept them unusually quiet, or 
 whether I was always too sound asleep at the interesting 
 moment to hear them, I know not ; but my curiosity 
 was at last violently excited, and my temper somewhat 
 roused : so I determined, coute que coute, to get to the 
 bottom of the mystery, and having arrived at this deci- 
 sion irrevocably in my own mind, I turned round, and 
 went peaceably to sleep. My first injunction to Phil- 
 lips on the following morning was, that she should not 
 breathe a word of her experience — which I affected to 
 treat lightly — to the Countess Olga or any other soul ; 
 my second, that she should bring my riding-habit torn 
 as it was, as I thought a day with the greyhounds would 
 not be a bad preparation for a night with the ghosts. 
 Fortune favoured my plans, for it so happened that Olga 
 went to bed early with a headache, and left me reading- 
 alone in the drawing-room. When the servants came to 
 take away the tea, I told them they might go to bed ; 
 and, putting a small reading-lamp by my side, I deter- 
 mined to meet the ghost single-handed. Although I 
 attempted to read while awaiting his arrival, I must 
 confess that I found it impossible to fix my attention — 
 my hearing seemed to have become preternaturally acute, 
 and I had strung my nerves up to a pitch which was 
 perhaps a little beyond what they could bear. It must 
 be admitted, that for a young woman to sit quite alone 
 in a castle so notoriously haunted that no man had ven- 
 tured into it at night, either alone or in company, for 
 years, for the express purpose of waiting for the ghosts 
 to appear, was a very fair test of courage ; and I do not
 
 44 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 think that I incur the charge of timidity because my 
 heart did beat more rapidly than usual on this occasion, 
 and I was aware of a dampness on the forehead, accom- 
 panied by that description of chill known as goose-skin, 
 although the room was uncomfortably warm. At last, 
 after a silence of two hours, so oppressive that I almost 
 longed for the ghost, I thought I had done enough for 
 one night, and had fairly earned my bed. It was not to 
 be expected by the most cxigeant spectre that I should 
 sit up for him till daylight ; and I took up the lamp to 
 go. At the very last moment, however, I was irresistibly 
 impelled to take a look into the Great Hall. I felt I 
 was shrinking from a conscientious discharge of my duty 
 if I left this part of it unfulfilled. So, very much in the 
 same frame of mind as Phillips when she went to her 
 "boodwar," I marched towards the door of the hall. I 
 opened it very silently, partly because I was afraid of 
 the sounds I made myself, and partly because I wanted, 
 if there was a ghost, to see him without his seeing me, 
 though, as I had the light, a moment's reflection would 
 have shown me that would be impossible. I walked 
 straight into the middle of the hall, and turned the light 
 boldly upon all the pictures and tapestry. Everything 
 was still and silent as the grave. I then kept the light 
 fixed upon the other entrance, so that nobody should 
 come in without my seeing it, and walked towards some 
 of the figures in armour to look if anybody was concealed 
 behind them. I had just satisfactorily settled this point 
 when I suddenly heard a deep sigh. My heart seemed 
 to jump at once into my mouth, and I felt as if I should 
 choke ; but I put my back against the wall, so as not to
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 4.3 
 
 be taken unawares, and listened, but not for long. In 
 another moment a long, deep, heavy sigh — so long, so 
 deep, so full of misery, that it almost amounted to a 
 moan ; but there was no intonation in it. It was like a 
 stage whisper — so clear, and yet without any other kind 
 of sound than that made by wind. 
 
 It seemed very near me, almost at my ear ; so near 
 that I turned suddenly round. I found myself actually 
 leaning against the Sclavonian warrior with the battle- 
 axe and the drum. My flesh was now beginning to 
 creep, I felt my hair positively rising, and I wanted to 
 run away, but was afraid to leave the wall against which 
 I had placed my back, for it seemed a sort of protection. 
 Again a long, deep sigh, then another. There is some- 
 thing abominable in sighs. They seem a sort of sound 
 that it does not require a regular body to make. A pair 
 of lungs is all that is necessary to sigh with ; a mouth 
 is quite superfluous. One might sigh through a hole in 
 one's throat, or without a head at all for the matter of 
 that. Then there was a sort of catch in one of the sighs 
 that was particularly disagreeable, as if the ghost had 
 been interrupted in his misery, and then it had been 
 suddenly very much increased. I was still hesitating 
 what to do, when the stillness which had succeeded the 
 last sigh was followed by a muffled sound of beating or 
 thumping, very low and regular, and seeming to echo all 
 round the room, but to come from no particular part of 
 it. As it grew louder my fears rose to such a pitch that 
 all my resolution vanished. I rushed at the door leading 
 to the drawing-room, which I banged after me, but 
 failed to shut out the sound which seemed to pursue me
 
 46 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 through the drawing-room and along the glass passage, 
 with its increasing volume still ringing in my ears. 
 Into bed, dressed, and just as I was, and with my head 
 under the bed-clothes, I was still unable to shut it out. 
 A pressure on my shoulder made me start with a scream 
 of terror — overtaken at last, my bed not even a refuge ! 
 it was too horrible ! 
 
 The thought had hardly flashed across me when Olga's 
 gentle voice reassured me. She was shaking from head 
 to foot ; the sounds from the castle had been loud enough 
 to wake her up, and now as we tremblingly clasped each 
 other we could hear them dying away. The loud drum 
 roll was subsiding into the muffled murmur I had heard 
 at first, and by degrees it ceased altogether. 
 
 The next morning Phillips came to me with the tri- 
 umphant intelligence that all the servants had been 
 roused by the noises in the castle, and that her story, 
 which I had affected to disbelieve, had thus received the 
 most satisfactory confirmation. Poor Phillips ! I felt I 
 owed her some apology for the apparent scepticism with 
 which I had treated her story, and admitted to her that I 
 had also heard the sounds— in fact, had passed a very 
 uneasy night in consequence. This seemed to afford her 
 great comfort and consolation, though she relapsed into 
 disappointment when she found that I steadily refused 
 to admit that the sounds in question could possibly be 
 caused by supernatural agency. Notwithstanding all 
 which very brave language, my nerves were so much 
 shaken by the incidents of this dreadful night, that I 
 could scarcely bring myself to enter the Great Hall even 
 by day, and our evening sittings in the drawing-room
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 47 
 
 were by no means protracted to so late an hour as they 
 had formerly been. Having unlimited confidence in the 
 salutary effects of a great deal of exercise in the open 
 air upon the nervous system, I devoted myself to the 
 destruction of hares, and for some days coursed so vehem- 
 ently, that a new couple of greyhounds, which the bailiff 
 had bought to relieve his own, were fairly worked off 
 their legs. Still I was as perpetually haunted by the 
 desire of discovering something more about the ghosts as 
 the castle was by those uncanny beings. For some 
 nights I lay awake, listening in vain for sounds, until, at 
 last, one night as I lay wondering whether they would 
 ever come again, the distant roll gradually swelling and 
 as gradually falling broke the midnight stillness. It was 
 not nearly so loud as upon the former occasion, and so 
 far from frightening me, seemed this time rather to 
 inspire me with courage. It was on a Saturday, just a 
 fortnight after my last adventure, and I listened and 
 calmly speculated upon the mysterious sound. I had 
 been reading rather a heavy book, in which, nevertheless, 
 I had been deeply interested ; for, although young and 
 giddy, I was excessively fond of study, and the repose of 
 country life had suggested to me the expediency of begin- 
 ning a course of serious reading and following it up. 
 My lamp was burning brightly, every corner of the room 
 was lighted, Olga and all the servants slept between me 
 and the castle, — altogether, my nerves felt so strong and 
 steady, that I quite wondered why I had experienced such 
 terror on the previous occasion ; so I once again resolved 
 to fathom the mystery, and this time I determined that 
 not the whole misery of the universe concentrated into
 
 48 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 one sigh, nor the tatoo-roll of all the armies of Europe 
 concentrated into one drum, should drive me from the 
 Great Hall. Having, as upon the first night of Phillips's 
 adventure, arrived at this irrevocable decision, I turned 
 round and went peaceably to sleep, 
 
 The first thing which my sister-in-law asked me next 
 morning was whether I had heard the sounds in the 
 night. On my admitting that I had, she said that she 
 had not felt so frightened as upon the last occasion, and 
 remarked that she supposed in time we should get quite 
 accustomed to them. I told her I had already so far 
 overcome my original dread, that I had determined in 
 my own mind to make another nocturnal experience, 
 and proposed to her to join me. However brave one 
 may be individually, a companion on such occasions is 
 always an immense support. To my great delight she 
 readily consented to my proposal. I suggested that we 
 should not wait until the next Saturday night, but try 
 at once, and keep on making experiments every night 
 during the week ; by these means, if nothing was seen 
 or heard, we should have become accustomed to the 
 loneliness of the Great Hall, and be better able to face 
 the dangers of the fatal Saturday. I am bound to say 
 that we passed the whole of this day in a fever of ex- 
 citement and anticipation. I went half-a-dozen times 
 into the great Hall, impelled thither by a fascination 
 which was quite irresistible. I gazed at all the pictures, 
 examined all the panelling, ascended the massive stair- 
 case, which nevertheless creaked even with my light 
 weight, and became familiar with every object which 
 a heated imagination could possibly turn into a ghost.
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 49 
 
 Gaunt figures in armour, with a dim light upon them, 
 are especially ghost-like and supernatural. The bars of 
 their visors always look like long teeth, and they make 
 a nasty rattle when you touch them, extremely disagree- 
 able in the dark. I determined that I should allow my 
 mind to rest on none of these things when I came at 
 night with Olga. Indeed, I tried to take one warrior to 
 pieces, on purpose to feel on intimate terms with him, 
 and succeeded so far that I got his helmet off, and could 
 not get it on again ; so, as a piece of bravado, I put it 
 under his arm, and made him look more ghastly than 
 ever. Then I went back to the drawing-room, and by 
 the time ten o'clock struck I had worked myself up into 
 such a recklessly defiant mood, that I felt almost intoxi- 
 cated with excitement. Olga caught the infection. We 
 could scarcely restrain our impatience till the moment 
 came to dismiss the servants : then we jumped up and 
 waltzed round the room, a sort of war-dance of triumph 
 and defiance. Then we lighted every candle, and went 
 into the billiard-room and lighted it up too, careless of 
 what the servants would suppose, — laughing, indeed, at 
 the terror which the unusual illumination would inspire, 
 and which would certainly be attributed to a posse of 
 debauched ghosts ; then we played a noisy game of 
 billiards, — all which, be it remembered, was merely a 
 form of Dutch courage. We were both by this time in 
 our secret souls excessively terrified. Both would will- 
 ingly have danced off to bed instead of round the 
 billiard-table ; but our honour was at stake, and we 
 kept up appearances magnificently. At last the mid- 
 night hour struck, and, arming ourselves each with a cue 
 
 D
 
 50 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 in one hand and a candle in the other, we marched 
 defiantly towards the Great Hall. 
 
 The first thing I saw was my friend the warrior whom 
 I had left with his head under his arm, glaring at me 
 with his black, ghastly cavern of a mouth and hollow 
 eye-sockets ; hut, to my horror and dismay, his head was 
 back again upon his shoulders. As none of the servants 
 would have ventured into the Hall since the compar- 
 atively late hour that I had last visited it, I was driven 
 to the unpleasant conclusion that this mailed knight had 
 either put on his own head, or had got an equally unearthly 
 friend to put it on for him. I felt my courage already 
 giving way, so I laughed and talked boisterously, and 
 rapped his helmet soundly with my cue, as I told, the 
 story in a loud tone to Olga. She was at the other end 
 of the room, tapping the panelling with her cue, as she 
 laughingly said, loud enough to drown the sound of the 
 ghost's drum. We seemed both penetrated with the 
 conviction that our only chance of safety lay in making 
 as much noise as possible, so I began to tap the panels 
 on my side of the room also. At that moment, the 
 most piercing scream I ever heard issue from mortal, 
 throat burst from Olga ; her candle dropped with a crash, 
 and before I could look round she tore wildly past me, 
 screaming, " My ! fly ! save yourself ! " I needed no 
 further admonition. Never turning my head, I rushed 
 after her to the passage leading to the drawing-room, 
 my candle also going out, and in we both burst to the 
 brilliantly lighted room, pale, panting, and exhausted. 
 Our first care was to double-lock the door by which we 
 had just entered ; and as, in order to regain our bed-
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 51 
 
 rooms, it was necessary to traverse the glass passage, 
 now dark, we rested for a minute while I lighted my 
 candle, and Olga took another out of the candelabra. 
 This gave me time to think that a retreat to the cottage, 
 after all my resolutions, without even knowing what had 
 happened, would be ignominious, so I implored Olga to 
 sit down and calm herself, and give me some reason for 
 her extravagant alarm. I had taken the precaution to 
 provide sundry restoratives in case of our needing them, 
 and in a few moments she had comparatively regained 
 her tranquillity. All she could say was, that as she was 
 tapping the panel on which was painted the Sclavonian 
 warrior, the cue was suddenly drawn out of her hand by 
 some invisible influence. She had not let it drop, nor 
 had she brought it back with her. There was no deny- 
 ing the fact ; the cue had vanished — but how, remained 
 a mystery. "When she felt it being pulled from her 
 hand she screamed, dropped the light, turned and fled, 
 and she could give me no further information upon the 
 subject. Meantime we sat and listened. Not a sound 
 could we hear except the murmur of the wind and the 
 rustling of the pine branches which overhung the 
 window. Feeling that this silence would unnerve us, 
 and reluctant to yield to Olga's entreaties to go to the 
 cottage, 1 proposed that we should return to the billiard- 
 room, lock both the doors, and play a game of billiards. 
 A ghost would scarcely be bold enough to enter a room 
 in which there were fifteen candles burning ; and if the 
 sounds were as loud as usual, we would sit there and 
 listen to them safely. After some hesitation, my com- 
 panion consented to this arrangement, and we went
 
 52 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 through the form of knocking the balls about, without, 
 however, beino - able to get rid for an instant of the one 
 thought uppermost in both our minds. Every now and 
 then, by mutual consent, we stopped and listened, but 
 not a sound was audible. I was on the point of pro- 
 posing another visit to the Hall, when the bang of a 
 distant door checked the words as they rose to my lips, 
 and made us both start and tremble. Then again pro- 
 found stillness. It was now nearly two o'clock, but as 
 I had quite made up my mind not to go to bed without 
 one more attempt at unravelling the mystery, I deter- 
 mined first quietly to go over in my mind the events 
 which had occurred up to this point, hoping that some- 
 how I might hit upon the clue. As I did so, it flashed 
 across me that upon the occasion of my first visit I 
 heard the sighs when I was standing on the side of the 
 room near the picture of the Sclavonian warrior, and 
 that as I leant my back against it they seemed nearer 
 and louder. This then might be the haunted spot, if 
 any one place in this " possessed " old building was more 
 haunted than another, for exactly here it was that Olga 
 had lost her cue. It was a sort of comfort getting some 
 definite locality to fix upon for investigation, and a com- 
 fort to have a distinct reason for revisiting the Hall — 
 my distinct reason being that I wanted to see whether 
 the cue was lying upon the floor, or had really, as Olga 
 maintained, been spirited away altogether. My curiosity 
 on this point was so great that I firmly resisted all her 
 endeavours to dissuade me from going back. I finally 
 promised, however, that we should only go as far as the 
 Hall door, this time on tiptoe ; that we should open it
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 53 
 
 gently and look in, and be satisfied, if we saw the cue 
 lying on the floor, to leave it there without venturing 
 further ; if not, to rest content with our experiences for 
 the night, and put off our investigations as to what had 
 become of the cue to some future occasion. This being 
 decided upon, we once more screwed up our courage 
 to the sticking-point, and returned to the drawing-room, 
 where everything was still lighted, and stayed for a 
 moment to listen. To my dismay and regret, for I saw 
 my companion's resolution would fail her, we distinctly 
 heard a sort of shuffling sound, as of some one crossing 
 the Hall in slippers. At this time I felt such intense 
 anxiety to know what had become of the cue that I was 
 resolved to go on alone if Olga would not come with 
 me : and when I saw her sink back almost fainting 
 into a chair, I felt it would be cruel of me to urge her 
 further. Indeed, at the moment she was so frightened 
 that she was unable even to go back to the cottage, 
 much less to the Hall. I therefore crept cautiously on 
 by myself, and, before opening the door into the Hall, 
 leant my ear against it and listened. All silent. I put 
 my hand gently on the old-fashioned latch, which, fortun- 
 ately, I could turn without noise, and pushed the door 
 softly open. The Sclavonian warrior hung on the wall 
 to the left as I entered, and as the door also opened 
 back into the Hall on the same side, I found I should 
 be obliged either to fling it well back or advance into 
 the room in order to have a view of the floor at the foot 
 of the picture, where I expected to find the cue lying. 
 I should remark that, on passing through the drawing- 
 room, it occurred to me to take, instead of a candle, a
 
 54 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 reading-lamp with a very strong reflector, which, though 
 somewhat heavy, could be made to throw a bright light. 
 Before pushing the door wide open I gave my lamp an 
 extra twist ; then, with every fibre strung, I took one 
 bold step into the room, and turned the lamp full on the 
 left-hand wall. What I then saw fairly rooted me to 
 "he spot with amazement and dismay. The Sclavonian 
 varrior had utterly vanished, and in his room, or I 
 should rather say in a room, there appeared a bed, a 
 table with a loaf of bread upon it, a chair, a pair of 
 jack-boots, and a sword hanging above them. For an 
 instant I felt dizzy with bewilderment, then turned and 
 fled. I was more thoroughly frightened than if a legion 
 of drumming ghosts had marched into the Hall. The 
 denouement was so utterly unexpected, so terribly real, 
 so exactly the reverse of supernatural, that the very 
 contrast was a shock. Spectral figures in white robes, 
 or even the Sclavonian warrior beating his own drum, I 
 could have borne ; but a bed which had evidently just 
 been occupied, for the clothes were all tumbled, a pair 
 of jack-boots probably just pulled off, and a half-eaten 
 loaf of bread, were sights infinitely more alarming. I 
 felt that the occupant of the mysterious chamber must 
 be the sort of person who would murder me if he caught 
 me ; and my tell-tale face as I rushed through the draw- 
 ing-room required no explanation. Olga was sufficiently 
 recovered to fly after me, and once more, breathless and 
 exhausted, we reached my bedroom. Here I explained 
 to my sister-in-law what I had seen, and we spent the 
 remaining hours till daylight in accounting for the 
 ghostly sounds, and in vague conjectures as to the
 
 AUNT ANNS GHOST STORY. 55 
 
 identity of the individual who produced them. The 
 servants were somewhat astonished not only to find us 
 up at the earliest hour in the morning, but to receive an 
 order to send the white-headed steward to us. Mean- 
 time Miss Phillips had been made acquainted with our 
 discovery, which she communicated in a tongue of her 
 own invention to the rest of the household, so that when 
 the steward came we were followed by the whole estab- 
 lishment to the Great Hall. To my astonishment another 
 change had taken place since my last visit. The Sclav - 
 onian warrior was no longer there, it is true, but no more 
 were the bed, or the table, or the chair, or the big boots, 
 or the loaf of bread, or the sword. Everything had 
 disappeared except the room, and into that we entered. 
 It was built into the solid wall, here nine feet thick. 
 The panel occupied by the warrior had been five feet by 
 seven, and this was the size of the entrance to the room. 
 The dimensions of it were as follows : — eight feet in 
 breadth, twelve feet in length, seven in height — the 
 floor was one foot higher than that of the hall. It was 
 now quite empty, though the stains of liquid spilt on the 
 floor showed it to have been recently occupied. After 
 some difficulty we succeeded in drawing out the panel, 
 which slided noiselessly along its groove, and the warrior 
 gradually emerged once more to the light of day. AVe 
 examined the edge of it carefully, and did not close it 
 completely for fear of not understanding the trick of the 
 spring. When we discovered the right spot to touch 
 outside the panel, we found it acted almost like a hair- 
 trigger. It was in the crevice of a rock, painted in the 
 picture against which the warrior was leaning. The
 
 56 aunt ann's ghost story. 
 
 effect of a very gentle pressure here made the panel roll 
 softly back of its own accord about an inch. As the 
 carving of the panel projected, this opening was generally 
 in shade, so that it might very well be a little open with- 
 out being visible. There was no difficulty, supposing I 
 had been leaning within a foot of this apartment, in 
 accounting for the sighs which the occupant had pro- 
 bably resorted to as the easiest mode of frightening me 
 away, before he began to beat his drum. In the same 
 way the point of Olga's cue must have slipped into this 
 opening, and been dexterously snatched out of her hand. 
 We never saw the cue again. The unfortunate part of 
 it all is, " that here my story ends." Who the man who 
 lived in this room was, why he lived there, whether more 
 than one lived there, are all questions which we went on 
 asking until we gave it up in despair. I used often to 
 suspect that the old steward knew something about it ; 
 but he pretended to be as much surprised as any of us 
 at the discovery. The most likely hypothesis is that 
 some political refugee had made it his abode, preferring 
 it to Siberia, or something still more summary. Who- 
 ever he was, he had enjoyed free lodging for twenty 
 years, as during all that period the castle had been 
 haunted. Judging by the specimen I saw of it, his fare 
 had been of the simplest description ; indeed, not the 
 least difficult part of the problem is how he managed to 
 get supplied with provisions at all. Nor is it easy to 
 explain why he left the panel open for us to discover his 
 room, unless we suppose that he did not give us credit 
 for sufficient courage to revisit the hall after he had 
 taken Olga's cue. Again, he must have seen me stand-
 
 aunt ann's ghost story. 57 
 
 ing in the hall, or he could not have known that I had 
 found out his secret, and have decided on utterly aban- 
 doning his home for ever and taking all his property 
 with him. Where he took his table and his chair and 
 his bed to is another mystery that will never be solved, 
 more especially as the old steward is dead, who, as I 
 have already said, I have always felt firmly convinced 
 could have thrown some light on the subject. 
 
 I need scarcely say that no sounds have ever been 
 heard in the castle since that eventful night. Some of 
 the trees have been cut down, and some of the bedrooms 
 are refurnished, and made habitable and cheerful. The 
 recess itself always stands open, and contains a whist- 
 table ; but the Sclavonian warrior often sees the light, for 
 the story is still often told, and without him it would be 
 a ghost story with the ghost left out.
 
 58 
 
 III. 
 
 TIIE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 I am in the unfortunate position of being the fourth son 
 of an impecunious peer. My eldest brother went into 
 the Guards, my second into the Church, my third into 
 the Navy, and I into — the City. I might, if it were not 
 for the scrupulous regard for truth which characterises 
 me, have said, into business ; but although my avocations 
 take me a good deal into the City, I don't do much busi- 
 ness there, in the strict sense of the term. My wants 
 are small, and I manage, thanks to the handle to my 
 name, and an unusual allowance of mother- wit, to pick 
 up about a thousand a-year out of the financial street- 
 sweepings. It is not necessary for me to describe exactly 
 how I do this — partly because I don't want to reveal my 
 methods to other young men in my own needy circum- 
 stances, and partly because I am a victim to horrible 
 doubts as to whether those methods are strictly right and 
 honourable. The fact is, that my second brother and I 
 mistook our vocations in life. I have been tortured from 
 infancy with an extremely sensitive conscience — an article
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 59 
 
 of the greatest possible value in the Church, but decidedly 
 in the way in the City. My brother, the Honourable 
 and Eeverend Sydney Lyesant, who is known amongst 
 us familiarly as " the Hon. and Eev.," was born, if I may 
 so express it, with a slight obliquity of moral vision, 
 which would have been of the greatest service to him in 
 the City, but which, to a certain extent, tends to impair 
 his usefulness as a parish priest. I do not for a moment 
 wish to insinuate that he is not an excellent, hard-work- 
 ing, and devoted ecclesiastic ; on the contrary, he is a 
 slave to his parishioners, and most punctilious in the 
 performance of his duties ; but there is a casuistry about 
 his way of putting things, — and I may even say of doing 
 things, — calculated to inspire distrust, and which lays 
 him open to attacks from the Low Church rector of the 
 neighbouring parish, of which the latter is not slow to 
 avail himself — the more especially as my brother is a 
 Eitualist. 
 
 There are only two or three others besides my brother 
 who know my methods. I determined to consult him 
 in regard to them, because I felt if I could obtain his 
 sanction to them as a priest, I should be easier in my 
 mind. Moreover, as he considered it his duty to confess 
 a large proportion of his flock, especially the feminine 
 section of it, I hoped that the peculiar turn of his mind, 
 combined with his habit of dealing with difficult cases of 
 conscience, might induce him to take a favourable view 
 of my proceedings. I therefore carefully explained my 
 methods to him, and propounded my difficulties. To 
 my astonishment, he said that they did not involve a 
 question of morals at all, but points of law, and that the
 
 60 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 right person for me to apply to was not a clergyman, 
 but a solicitor. Now I had already done this ; for when 
 my methods first occurred to me, I was afraid, if dis- 
 covered, they might render me liable to legal penalties. 
 I therefore, to make sure, took counsel's opinion. Some 
 of the points were so delicate that my legal adviser took 
 three days to consider, and then gave it as his opinion 
 that there was no law in existence by which I could 
 be touched. I then asked him whether, although my 
 methods might be legally safe, he considered them 
 morally right. He said he was paid to give his opinion 
 on questions of law, and not on questions of morals, — 
 and with that politely bowed me out. It was under 
 these circumstances that I applied to the Hon. and Eev. ; 
 and on my explaining the result of my interview with 
 my lawyer, he said that the questions of morals and of 
 law were so inextricably involved that he could not 
 possibly give an opinion without being familiar, not 
 merely with the legal bearings of the case, but with the 
 custom which prevailed in the City, as much would 
 depend upon the moral standard which was recognised 
 by City men. He said that morals in matters of finance 
 were relative, differing in different countries, and that it 
 was impossible to fix an arbitrary standard to be appli- 
 cable in all cases. In France, for instance, it was con- 
 sidered dishonourable for the son of a deceased bankrupt 
 not to strain every nerve to pay off his father's creditors; 
 but this obligation was not deemed so binding in England, 
 though it was occasionally done — the difference being 
 that in one country it was thought highly meritorious to 
 do it, and in the other extremely discreditable not to do
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 61 
 
 it. In the same way, the moral standard of New York 
 in questions relating to finance was totally different from 
 that of London ; and a transaction which was considered 
 legitimate and fair in one of those great commercial marts 
 might be reprobated as sharp practice in the other. To 
 make a long story short, I got no satisfaction out of either 
 the lawyer or the divine, so I thought of consulting one 
 or two eminent bankers. The first I applied to was much 
 interested in my methods, and thought them perfectly 
 legitimate ; indeed I have since suspected that he may 
 possibly avail himself of some of the hints he obtained 
 from me. The second, on the other hand, appeared 
 rather shocked, described them as being more ingenious 
 than moral, and advised me to give them up ; and here 
 I may incidentally remark that the first banker I con- 
 sulted was a modern financier, and a director of a limited 
 liability concern, while the second was the leading partner 
 of an old-established private firm. I merely mention 
 this by the way, as indicating that there seems to be a 
 difference between the modern standard in these matters 
 and that of a generation or two ago. I was somewhat 
 reluctant to adopt the old- fashioned standard, as I should 
 be incontinently rendered a beggar if I did ; so I tried 
 another test. I thought over all my acquaintances, and 
 wondered how many of them, if they knew my methods, 
 would consider them legitimate, and how many would, 
 on principle, abstain from employing them. As nearly 
 as I could calculate, I found, on carefully estimating the 
 characters of the men, that about eighty per cent would 
 employ them if they knew them, and about twenty per 
 cent would abstain from doing so on principle. Of course
 
 62 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 I could not be sure of the exact proportions ; but I felt 
 perfectly certain that if not twenty, still a large per- 
 centage, would disapprove of them, and that was enough 
 to make me miserable. Why should this percentage 
 have a different standard from their neighbours, and 
 possibly be compelled to make great sacrifices of money, 
 fame, or position, in order to maintain it ? It was the 
 eighty per cent, and not the twenty per cent, who formed 
 public opinion on the matter. If they amassed fortunes 
 by methods which the minority disapproved, the only 
 result would be that the minority would be considered 
 fools, and the members of the majority who succeeded 
 would be respected just in proportion to the amount of 
 fortune which they had amassed. It is only when a man 
 becomes rich by methods which the majority disapproves, 
 that he runs any risk of forfeiting their respect; and even 
 then, if he has a pretty wife, and knows how to entertain, 
 he can live it down. 
 
 These reflections made me very unhappy. I was per- 
 petually haunted by the idea that I ought to be one of 
 the minority ; and yet, after all, their sense of right and 
 wrong might be unduly strained, or why did it differ 
 from that of the majority ? Meantime I continued to 
 derive a comfortable little income from my methods, 
 pursued by a morbid fear that some day or other they 
 would be discovered, and that then I should be consid- 
 ered lacking in principle by the minority, while the 
 majority would adopt them, and they would cease to be 
 valuable. Moreover, I still retained a sort of inherited 
 superstition in respect to the class to which I belonged. 
 No doubt it was not a high or noble sentiment, because
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 63 
 
 it tended to imply that one's moral standard was to some 
 extent conditioned on one's rank in life. But when I 
 thought of my great ancestor, Sir Guy de Lyesant, whose 
 spotless chivalry procured for him the proud device of 
 " Honneur luisante " or " Honour bright," while it was 
 at the same time a challenge to those who bore the name, 
 I trembled to think that possibly I was even now tar- 
 nishing it ; and the reflection that I was not the first 
 who had done so, was but poor consolation. 
 
 It was a tradition in our family that the first Lyesant 
 who ever told a lie was my great-grandfather ; and this 
 was attributed to the fact of his father having married 
 the daughter of an alderman. Whether this be the case 
 or not, there can be little doubt that a sensible moral 
 deterioration has taken place during the last three gen- 
 erations, and that the instinct of noblesse oblige, which so 
 eminently characterised the Lyesants of a former time, 
 has now almost died out. By one of those hereditary 
 freaks well known to natural philosophers, it seems to 
 have been reproduced in me to its full extent ; indeed 
 there is even a strong physical resemblance between my 
 lineaments and those of the great Sir Guy, after whom I 
 am called, and whose portrait hangs in Lyesant Castle. 
 Often have I gazed on it, and wondered whether, if he 
 was alive now and in my position, he would consider it 
 consistent with his honour to operate on the Stock Ex- 
 change and employ my methods. 
 
 From all which it would appear that I was craving 
 for moral — indeed it would not be too much to say, for 
 spiritual — counsel and advice in the difficult problems 
 which beset my path in life. 1 was led by them into a
 
 64 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 vein of philosophical reflection ; and it is by way of an 
 introduction to the results at which I have arrived that 
 I have been induced to bring my own insignificant per- 
 sonality before the reader. He will now understand how 
 my own experiences have forced upon me the conclusion 
 that a great moral vacuum exists in these modern days, 
 which, as nature abhors a vacuum, needs to be filled : 
 and if I venture to make a few suggestions which may 
 seem bold, and even to some extent revolutionary, in 
 their character, I wish the public to understand that I 
 only timidly throw them out as hints ; and that if once 
 the principle be admitted, I should only be too happy to 
 see modifications introduced which might improve my own 
 crude ideas. It may be objected that I am treating a 
 very grave and serious subject too lightly, and indeed 
 with an apparent flippancy. To this I would reply that 
 I am treating it in the most serious and effective man- 
 ner at my command. I am not by nature a grave per- 
 son. I make my livelihood in the City in an airy and 
 superficial manner. My companions at the West End 
 are frivolous and volatile. The clubs to which I belong 
 are considered fast. But yet I am a human being with 
 a soul and a conscience, and aspirations and doubts, and 
 cravings and difficulties ; and I don't know where to go 
 to get comfort and consolation, and advice, and guidance, 
 and solutions, and satisfaction. I have tried the Church, 
 and I have tried the law, and I have tried men of busi- 
 ness, and I am still just as much at sea as ever. 
 
 Instead of objecting that I treat a serious subject 
 lightly, people who are interested in the welfare of their 
 fellow-creatures should only be too thankful to see so
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 65 
 
 flippant a person as I am, by my nature and surround- 
 ings, treat a serious subject at all. Let me assure them 
 I don't consider it by any means a joke. I am leading 
 a life which is perfectly miserable, grinning through a 
 horse-collar all the time ; and let me also tell them that 
 there are scores of other men exactly in the same plight 
 with myself. They don't go about talking about it. 
 What is the good of talking about it ? They want to 
 lead higher lives and better lives than they are leading, 
 but they don't see how. The fact is, modern civilisation 
 has developed a quantity of new vices in all ranks, and 
 classes, and occupations in life, for which no provision 
 seems to have been made morally in theology. 
 
 Mr Euskin many years ago wrote a pamphlet on ' The 
 Construction of Sheepfolds.' Now what occurs to me is, 
 that they want reconstruction ; and with the greatest 
 possible diffidence I would suggest how something might 
 be done. People are very apt to say, when one com- 
 plains of the inadequacy of old existing institutions to 
 meet the requirements of the age, " It is all very well to 
 find fault ; only propose something better." Now, with 
 all humility, I am going to find fault, because I am per- 
 sonally a sufferer from the insufficiency of one of the most 
 venerable of those institutions — an institution, indeed, 
 worthy of the highest respect — to meet the wants of my 
 own case ; and I don't want to lay myself open to the 
 charge of not proposing something which, I think, will be 
 an improvement. At the same time, if my suggestion 
 does not seem practical, it may at any rate induce wiser 
 heads than mine to consider seriously whether some 
 means ought not to be devised to meet the spiritual 
 
 E
 
 66 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 necessities which have sprung out of the advanced state 
 of civilisation in which we live. Modern writers bear 
 universal testimony to the fact that the country is under- 
 going a great moral revolution. Mr Escott, in his re- 
 markable and comprehensive work on ' England : its 
 People, Polity, and Pursuits,' has given forcible expres- 
 sion to this fact when he says that " old lines of social 
 demarcation have been obliterated, ancient landmarks of 
 thought and belief removed, new standards of expediency 
 and right created. We have made for ourselves strange 
 gods, and we live in a state of transition to a yet un- 
 known order." If it be true that new standards of ex- 
 pediency and right have been created, what I would ask 
 is, What share has the Church taken in creating these 
 new standards, and what is it doing to wean us from those 
 strange gods which we have made for ourselves ? Surely 
 all this is an especially ecclesiastical affair ? It is time 
 to ask whether the Church has moved on with the age ? 
 whether it has recognised the fact that the tremendous 
 development of the power of money-making which has 
 taken place during the last half-century, and the habits of 
 luxury which have been engendered thereby, have given 
 rise to a totally new set of social, commercial, and, I may 
 even say, of political moral problems, which the ethical 
 teaching of a former generation fails altogether to grapple 
 with ? Indeed, from all I can learn, the ethical teaching 
 of the last generation was not of any very great value 
 any way. But as I did not live then, I don't know much 
 about it ; perhaps if I had, I might even then have pro- 
 posed my scheme of ecclesiastical reform. It is with 
 the requirements of the present that we have to deal,
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 67 
 
 and these I shall endeavour to point out. I have con- 
 versed on the subject with my brother, the Hon. and 
 Bev., and I asked him once why he did not find out the 
 special vices of the members of his congregation, and 
 denounce them from the pulpit. He declares they resent 
 being preached at, and says that if you don't want to 
 disgust your flock you must keep to generalities ; that 
 people are very sensitive on this point, and that neither 
 individual men nor women like to feel after a sermon 
 that the other members of the congregation think that 
 certain of your remarks applied specially to them. They 
 know they are " miserable sinners," and are not particu- 
 larly ashamed of publicly saying so, provided they are 
 all miserable together ; but nobody likes to be considered 
 an especially miserable sinner, nor to have his particular 
 sin pointed out. Now this I can quite understand — 
 indeed I to a great extent sympathise in it. If, when 
 I was down in the country, my brother was to preach 
 a sermon against doubtful methods of making money in 
 the City — which, by the way, he would be the last man 
 to do — I should not like it at all, because the squire, 
 and the attorney, and the doctor, and the rustics of 
 the parish, would know that his observations could be 
 directed to nobody but me. Moreover, as my brother 
 himself confessed — and most clergymen would probably 
 feel the same difficulty — his familiarity witli the subject 
 was not sufficient to enable him to treat it effectively. 
 The same remarks apply to certain modern social and 
 political developments which are rarely, if ever, dealt 
 with from the pulpit, but which are producing a serious 
 national demoralisation. Now the only way, it seems to
 
 68 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 me, to obviate any appearance of invidious preaching, and 
 at the same time to insure a treatment of the subject 
 adequate to its requirements, would be by a redistribu- 
 tion of the cures of souls, if I may so express myself ; 
 that is, instead of having the country only territorially 
 divided for ecclesiastical purposes, I would have it spirit- 
 ually divided as well — in other words, divided according 
 to the special moral requirements of large classes and 
 groups of individuals, and adapted to their occupations 
 and positions in life. Why, for instance, should there 
 not be a properly qualified ministry set apart to instruct 
 the laity as to the economic relations which should sub- 
 sist between man and man ? What an admirable thing 
 it would be, for example, to institute a Bishop of Finance, 
 with a Dean and Chapter, and a body of clergy, estab- 
 lished principally in London and at the large commercial 
 centres, under his jurisdiction, whose business it should 
 be specially to preach sermons on financial morality, and 
 to advise applicants on all matters of conscience con- 
 nected with business. They might be subdivided into 
 separate branches. Thus, there might be a special 
 " cure " for the Stock Exchange. All the clergy con- 
 nected with this department should be carefully trained 
 in the laws, rules, and regulations affecting that body, 
 and should be qualified to explain to their stock broking 
 and jobbing congregations how far it was morally incum- 
 bent to comply with those laws, rules, and regulations, 
 and in what particulars they should not take advantage 
 of the facilities which they might offer for swindling. 
 There can be no doubt that sermons might be preached 
 on " rigging " and " cornering," treating the subject in a
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 69 
 
 masterly and comprehensive way, and on broad general 
 principles, which would be most valuable. To judge 
 from the highly honourable men who engage in these 
 operations, there is no doubt a great deal to be said in 
 their favour, on moral grounds. But then, again, there 
 can be no question that they sometimes give rise to 
 opportunities of gain which are of extremely doubtful 
 morality, and that a conscientious man frequently finds 
 himself in a position of extreme difficulty. If, on such 
 occasions, he could have recourse to his bishop, who was 
 deeply versed in every mystery connected with " making 
 a market," and could at once tell you when it was right 
 to be a " bull " — not financially but morally right I mean 
 — and when it was wrong, what a comfort it would be ! 
 How interesting, too, to listen on the Sunday to his lord- 
 ship's eloquent discourse on the great " bear " movement 
 of the week ! Those large metropolitan churches which 
 now present a lamentable array of empty benches would 
 speedily fill under such an influence. It is a mistake to 
 suppose that there is not an earnest desire to have fin- 
 ancial matters placed upon an honest and sound basis 
 among City men. Sermons on " rigging," " cornering," 
 and so forth, would draw immense congregations of men 
 engaged in these operations, who would be only too 
 thankful to the Church for boldly assuming the respon- 
 sibility, which indeed belongs to it, of telling them what 
 is right and what is wrong in their methods of conduct- 
 ing business. I believe, if the experiment was tried, 
 that the rogues would be found to be in a minority, 
 and that thousands of men who are now looked upon as 
 sharp practitioners would be grateful for a definite moral
 
 70 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 standard sanctioned by the Church, and which every- 
 body would be compelled to adhere to, under the moral 
 penalty, if he did not, of being considered a scoundrel. 
 Again, while one branch of the financial diocese should 
 occupy itself with the Stock Exchange, another branch 
 should be devoted to joint- stock companies, whose " cure " 
 should be directors, and who would act as spiritual 
 advisers to the board. Why, considering that there are 
 chaplains in the army, and that every good-sized man-of- 
 war has a chaplain, every large company should not 
 have a chaplain as well, passes my comprehension, espe- 
 cially considering that every year several large corpora- 
 tions come to grief, evidently for the simple want of this 
 most useful functionary. When a " watering " operation 
 is proposed at the board, for instance, and five directors 
 are opposed upon moral grounds to the other five, who 
 take a different moral view of the question, how much 
 better it would be, instead of trusting it to the casting 
 vote of the chairman, who may be devoid of all moral 
 principle, to refer it for final decision to the chaplain ! 
 This would be making the Church practically influential 
 in the economic questions of the hour ; and considering 
 how frequently unfortunate shareholders are victimised 
 by the directors, there would not be the slightest diffi- 
 culty about providing him with an ample salary. They 
 would be only too glad to subscribe. The chaplain, of 
 course, should be thoroughly versed in the financial man- 
 agement of companies, and have the right, whenever he 
 pleased, to examine the books of the company to which 
 he was attached, besides being present at every meeting 
 of the board. Had such a functionary been connected
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 71 
 
 with the City of Glasgow Bank a year or two ago, we 
 should have been spared the horrible disclosure of 
 hypocrisy and dishonesty, and the widespread ruin, which 
 resulted from it. 
 
 The extremely mixed composition of congregations now 
 makes it necessary for the preacher to deal in generalities 
 which shall apply to all classes, and he is thus precluded 
 from special definitions. The duchess and the petty 
 tradesman listen to the same discourse, but it is evident 
 the nature of their temptations are very different, and 
 only the broadest moral axioms apply to both. For 
 instance, what a useful sermon might be preached to a 
 congregation consisting largely of grocers on the text, 
 " Thou shalt not commit adulteration " ! while one which 
 should apply to a congregation of fashionable ladies 
 would be somewhat different. There should certainly 
 be a " Trades Diocese," probably several, where the 
 bishops and clergy should specially instruct themselves 
 in the forms of fraud ; or even without going so far as 
 to say fraud, let us call them the tricks of the trade, 
 employed by dealers, wholesale and retail. This would 
 be a far better way of dealing with them than by co- 
 operative stores — to each of which, by the way, a chap- 
 lain should be attached. 
 
 The " Dioceses of Fashion " would be of the most vital 
 importance. Of these, one should be exclusively for men 
 and the other for women. Every West End club should 
 have a chaplain versed in questions of honour, to whom 
 all quarrels and disputes should be referred. No women 
 should be admitted to the churches of the young men of 
 fashion, where the vices peculiar to them should be
 
 72 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 exposed and denounced in the most uncompromising 
 manner. I doubt whether they would attend in any- 
 large numbers in the absence of the ladies, and prob- 
 ably one place of worship would be found sufficient to 
 afford all the accommodation required ; but it should at 
 least be supplied for those who are anxious to improve 
 their mode of life. It is not unlikely that experience 
 might prove that most good could be done by the per- 
 sonal influence of the clergy who devoted themselves to 
 this " cure." And for this branch of the ministry it 
 would be desirable to select men as young as possible, 
 and who had themselves been fast, and become reformed 
 characters, as they would more easily enter into the trials 
 and temptations of their flocks, and their former experi- 
 ences would supply them with counsel and advice of a 
 practical kind. It is evident that the greatest care 
 should be taken in the selection of those to whom was 
 intrusted the " cure " of the fashionable women of society. 
 While an aristocratic connection would be desirable in 
 the case of these clergy, a profound knowledge of the 
 world and of human nature would be indispensable. It 
 is scarcely necessary to observe that they should all be 
 married, and tolerably well on in years. They would 
 often be called upon to deal with domestic and social 
 problems of extreme delicacy, and their work would be 
 so varied and arduous, that it would probably be found 
 necessary to divide it into distinct branches. Thus there 
 would be, first, the orthodox unmarried girls ; second, the 
 unorthodox and philosophical unmarried girls ; third, the 
 married women who were unhappily married ; fourth, the 
 married women who were no longer received in society ;
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 73 
 
 fifth, the married women who ought not to be any longer 
 received in society, but were still very popular in it ; 
 sixth, the married women who had become agnostic, and 
 were teaching their little daughters the theory of evolu- 
 tion ; seventh, dowagers and elderly fashionable women 
 who were struggling to reform ; eighth, the same class 
 who were not struggling to reform. It is evident that 
 to preach faithfully to all these classes of women in the 
 presence of men would be quite out of the question. 
 For instance, a very useful course of sermons might be 
 preached upon what style of conversation with the other 
 sex is proper and what is improper, what allusions may 
 be made and what allusions avoided — with illustrations. 
 This is very urgently needed, as considerable confusion 
 of ideas seems to exist as to " how far you may go," and 
 what is risqiit. This is a subject upon which the Church 
 ought to lay down a very definite line. If a correspond- 
 ing course was being preached by the young men's chap- 
 lain in the same parish, it is not impossible that a very 
 considerable improvement might be effected in the social 
 tone generally. Indeed the closest relations should be 
 maintained between the fashionable clergy ministering to 
 the two sexes, as the most delicate questions affecting 
 their male and female flocks would be found to be in- 
 extricably interwoven, which it would require the most 
 consummate spiritual diplomacy, if I may venture on 
 such an expression, to unravel. It may be objected that 
 this savours of the confessional, and of the undue inter- 
 ference of the priesthood in private relations. No one 
 is more opposed to that practice than I am ; nor should 
 I suggest that a clergyman should ever ask prying ques-
 
 74 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 tions, or worm out confidences, or suggest sins by prurient 
 cross-examination : but if, by his faithful preaching, he 
 should awaken a dormant conscience in some member 
 of his congregation, and he or she should apply to him 
 for counsel and advice, then I think it desirable that he 
 should be placed by the Church in the very best position 
 to give it effectively, and to render the applicant practical 
 assistance. It is worse than useless to throw a poor 
 woman in dire difficulty and distress a moral axiom 
 which she knew already. Something more than that 
 must be done to get her out of the scrape ; and as it 
 is most probable that she cannot apply to her husband 
 for the purpose, she ought to feel that she has the friend 
 in need in a priest, chiefly skilled in the solution of such 
 problems, especially if he first aroused by his preaching- 
 remorse or aspirations. 
 
 There will be no fear of the women not going to 
 church to hear themselves preached at, as in the case 
 of the men. No matter how faithfully the preacher 
 puts the points on the is, they will flock to listen to 
 him. They like it. The harder he hits, the more they 
 will go. They all have consciences, and it produces a 
 sort of pleasurable pain to have them rudely shaken. 
 An able disquisition on dress would attract crowds. 
 The preacher might discourse on tourneurs, denounce 
 the fashion of sans manches, and enter even into more 
 minute details of underclothing, suggesting additions and 
 so forth, with the best possible effect. He should make 
 himself acquainted with their especial vanities, with the 
 ruses to which they resort to attract men, with their 
 envyings and jealousies, with the uses they make of one
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 75 
 
 another as decoys, with the schemes of match-making 
 mammas, with their methods of obtaining social distinc- 
 tion and securing admiration, and expose them merci- 
 lessly. The only trouble is, they would all end by 
 adoring him ; that is why it is essential that he should 
 be old, and have a wife and large family. If my sug- 
 gestion is adopted by Parliament, and the Church is 
 reorganised upon my system, I shall give up the City, 
 marry, and offer myself as a candidate in this field of 
 labour. I should be rather young, but I am certain I 
 could do an awful amount of good, — I have had so much 
 experience. It quite grieves me to see things going from 
 bad to worse, and no remedy being attempted. I really 
 don't know what society is coming to. From the posi- 
 tion I occupy in it, and the opportunities I have for 
 knowing things, I could make revelations that would 
 astonish even the " social weeklies." I am so sorry I 
 can't raise my literary style to the height of the occa- 
 sion, but always write as if I was joking ; but upon my 
 word I am not. I do implore the Church to take this 
 matter up. I feel sometimes, if somebody does not do 
 something to try and make things better, I shall get 
 desperate, and go down to Mid- Lothian, and all about 
 the country, and lecture and speechify on high moral 
 grounds against everything and everybody. 
 
 And this reminds me of a field of labour at present 
 sorely neglected, and demanding immediate and judicious 
 treatment. I need scarcely say that I allude to the field 
 of politics, and especially to the Houses of Parliament. 
 We have the highest authority for saying that within the 
 last two or three years moral problems have been im-
 
 76 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 ported into the region of politics to an extent unknown 
 in the history of the nation, and affecting its reputation 
 and character for respectability before the world at large. 
 We have reason to be deeply grateful for the fact that 
 we have at all events one eminent statesman who seems 
 to have directed his attention exclusively to this aspect 
 of the question ; and it is highly gratifying to me to 
 think that my scheme will necessarily have the support 
 of his great authority. I have, moreover, the satisfaction 
 of feeling that the juncture at which it is proposed is 
 eminently opportune. The well-known and clearly- 
 expressed views of that statesman on the subject of Dis- 
 establishment will naturally lead him to entertain any 
 project which has for its object the reconstruction of 
 sheepfolds ; or, in plainer language, a redistribution of 
 dioceses which shall be better adapted to the wants of 
 the time. How the newly-organised institution is to be 
 paid is a matter on which I confess I have bestowed no 
 attention whatever. I felt from the beginning that it 
 was beyond me ; but I have no apprehension on this 
 score, — only let the principle be adopted ; when the 
 measures connected with Disestablishment are brought 
 before the House by the greatest exponent of religion 
 and morality who has ever occupied a seat in it, I leave, 
 with the utmost confidence, to that great financier, the 
 trilling detail of how the bishops and clergy are to be 
 pecuniarily provided for. From the point of view of the 
 highest sociology, it is manifestly a matter of regret that 
 when a statesman possesses an unusually lofty moral 
 development he should not be qualified to be elected a 
 bishop. This I think even Mr Herbert Spencer must
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 77 
 
 admit ; and it is evident that the diocese for which such 
 a man would be specially qualified would be the Diocese 
 of Politics. At present his sphere of usefulness is 
 limited, and the value of his moral dicta is impaired, 
 from the fact that, being a leader of a political party, 
 nobody attaches the slightest importance to them except 
 the members of that party; while his enemies, destitute 
 probably of the rudimentary principles of morals, and 
 animated only by a desire to regain the office from which 
 they have been ejected, may be base enough to insinuate 
 that his morality is mere cant, which he uses as dust to 
 be thrown in the eyes of the ignorant and impulsive 
 masses, and which he has imported into the region of 
 politics, in order the more effectively to carry out the 
 ambitious designs by which he is animated. If, in an 
 episcopal capacity, he was elevated above all party con- 
 siderations, and therefore above the possibility of any 
 such unworthy imputations, there would literally be no 
 limit to the reformatory capabilities of a man of this de- 
 scription. Instead of being compelled to present to the 
 world, as one of the most intricate and perplexing of the 
 moral problems that life continually presents to us, the 
 inexplicable fact that there are many men of great intel- 
 ligence, of great ability, and of the highest public and 
 private qualities, who differ from him on the subject of 
 national morality, he would be in a position to grapple 
 satisfactorily with that problem, and with persuasive 
 dignity to bring his sacerdotal influence privately to bear 
 upon these intelligent and able men, in a manner which 
 would prove irresistible, — until at last all conscientious 
 voters throughout the United Kingdom would recognise
 
 /» THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 the fact that in all questions of political morality he was 
 the supreme authority, and that he alone- was in a posi- 
 tion to judge between right and wrong. By these means 
 we might hope ultimately to arrive at a sort of theocratic 
 system of government. 
 
 I can well imagine the torture which must be pro- 
 duced in the mind of a highly moral statesman, who is 
 at the same time an exceptionally good Churchman, when 
 he finds that all the bishops who do not belong to his 
 own party vote against his policy, though it may be based 
 on purely moral considerations. In fact, it is another 
 strong argument in favour of Disestablishment. As the 
 questions now before Parliament are no longer political 
 but moral ones, it is an unseemly spectacle to see the 
 Church in the Upper House divided against itself on 
 what is morally right and what morally wrong. It is 
 evident that bishops should be removed from this sphere 
 of contention altogether, and be authorities on morals, and 
 not political partisans in regard to them. Doubtful 
 points of political morality should not be treated by the 
 politicians themselves, but by a class specially appointed 
 for the purpose, elevated above the influence of politics, 
 and who could be most useful as counsellors and advisers. 
 Again, there can be no doubt that individual members 
 of both Houses are often extremely puzzled on moral 
 grounds to know how to vote — they are perpetually being 
 called upon to balance the claims of conscience against 
 the claims of party. I would therefore largely add to 
 the number of chaplains, and widely extend their func- 
 tions. In the House of Commons, for example, they 
 should not be limited to a prayer, which members avail
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 79 
 
 themselves of, not for purposes of worship, but of secur- 
 ing a seat for the impending debate. Political chaplains 
 should be skilled in estimating the necessities of party 
 warfare and the requirements of conscience ; and such 
 men are especially needed in view of possible great party 
 changes, for I regret to say that it seems not unlikely 
 that a split may at no distant date take place in the 
 Liberal party, and a section of it may wander abroad 
 as sheep without a shepherd. Now, although I have a 
 strong opinion myself, having entirely abandoned the old 
 traditions of the Lyesants, and adopted the modern view 
 of political as well as of commercial morality, I am not 
 prepared to say what advice an impartial chaplain might 
 give at such a crisis ; but it is clear that if he should 
 happen not to think such secession immoral, it would be 
 an immense comfort to the seceders to feel that they 
 were supported in this great moral question by the au- 
 thority of the Church. And so, again, in the matter of 
 what are termed extra -parliamentary utterances, recent 
 experience has proved that some restraint should be 
 placed by the Church on the too free use of invective ; 
 on the reckless imputation of base, interested, or unpa- 
 triotic motives ; on angry incriminations ; on garbled 
 quotations ; on the loose and inaccurate statement of 
 fact ; on misrepresentations, and incorrect — I may even 
 go so far as to say false — assertions. It would probably 
 be found advantageous, on the Sunday before a great 
 public meeting for a political purpose was held in any 
 large town during the recess, for one of the clergy at- 
 tached to the Diocese of Politics to preach a sermon 
 defining the legitimate limits of political discussion. It
 
 80 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 is needless to remark that during a general election the 
 duties of this branch of the ministry would be extremely 
 arduous. Their consolation would be, that they would 
 not be of long duration, and that a great deal of good 
 might be done in a short time. The question of the 
 morality of fagot-voters is one which would deserve their 
 attention. They would need to be uncompromising in 
 their denunciation of bribery and all unworthy methods 
 of obtaining votes, and extremely active and intelligent 
 in their detection of all such methods. They would 
 definitely settle the new problem, how far an elector is 
 justified in pledging himself to one side and voting for 
 the other. Services of a specially applicable character 
 should be held in all the constituencies before, during, 
 and after the elections. By these means there can be 
 little doubt that a great deal of wrong-doing would be 
 checked ; and it is to be expected that a tone of purity 
 and a moral elevation would thus be introduced into her 
 politics, which would make England a pattern of consti- 
 tutional propriety to the world at large. Brotherly love 
 and gentleness would take the place of party strife and 
 bitterness ; and it might even be possible, if the Koman 
 Catholic Church saw fit to co-operate in this beneficent 
 idea, that some effect might ultimately be produced upon 
 the Home-Eulers and Irish members generally. 
 
 It lias been impossible, in the narrow limits of this 
 article, to do more than broadly indicate the outline of 
 this great scheme of reform. I must leave it to the 
 intelligent and appreciative reader to fill up the details. 
 Besides the primary divisions of finance, commerce — 
 wholesale and retail — fashion, and politics, to which I
 
 THE EECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 81 
 
 have adverted, there are other subdivisions which will 
 readily suggest themselves. The press, aud literature 
 generally, for instance, stands in need of a moral infusion. 
 There would be fewer libel cases if the social weeklies 
 were supervised by chaplains, who should also explain 
 from the pulpit the extent to which the details of do- 
 mestic and family life might legitimately be accounted 
 public property. At the same time, it is to be hoped 
 that the labours of the ministry in the field of fashion 
 would so reduce the number of those episodes which now 
 adorn their pages, that their occupation and circulation 
 would in a measure cease to exist. There might, in fact, 
 be a " Diocese of Miscellany," which should be composed 
 of clergy with gifts for specialties ; and in addition to 
 them, a body of consulting chaplains, to whom any one 
 having a peculiar case of conscience not falling directly 
 within the cognisance of any of the general dioceses, 
 might apply. They would not give advice to the patient 
 — if I may so term the moral invalid — themselves, but 
 would recommend him or her to the clergyman whose 
 specialty it was to treat such cases, or whose preaching 
 was peculiarly adapted to the spiritual needs of the ap- 
 plicant. In a word, I would venture, with the greatest 
 diffidence, to submit that society should be thoroughly 
 analysed by the Church from a moral basis, and treated 
 systematically, and not on the broad and general lines 
 which were applicable to a bygone age, and to moral, 
 social, economic, and intellectual conditions which have 
 long since passed away. 
 
 I am aware that in making these suggestions I lay 
 myself open to the charge of presumption, and possibly 
 
 F
 
 82 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 
 
 even of disrespect. I would most earnestly deprecate it, 
 and insist that I am animated only by a sincere desire 
 for my own highest good, and that of my fellow-creatures. 
 It is just because I entertain the most profound respect 
 for the authority of the Church in matters of morals, 
 that I would wish to see that authority extended, and 
 made to permeate more in detail every rank and condition 
 of life. In these days, when Positivists and Social 
 Scientists, if I may be allowed to coin the word, seem 
 inclined to claim a monopoly of the loftiest motives of 
 action, and the most disinterested love of humanity, it 
 seems to me that they should be met by a well-organised 
 attack upon the vices which their philosophy condemns, 
 but fails to grapple with practically. It would be a 
 terrible thing for the Church if this whole school stopped 
 theorising and writing, and began to practise : they might 
 even be struck with the merits of my scheme, and might 
 try to adapt it to their system, and then engage in a sort 
 of atheistic crusade against special vices, which might 
 lead to results impossible to predict. I shrink from 
 pursuing this train of thought any further ; in fact, the 
 bare suggestion of what it might involve appals and con- 
 fuses me. There are so many people in the same per- 
 plexed state of mind as I am in as to what is right and 
 what is wrong nowadays, and there is such an absence of 
 active interference — in fact, such a dead silence on the 
 part of the Church on the intricate problems of daily 
 conduct — that any unauthorised persons might rush in 
 and occupy the ground, and start a propaganda in favour 
 of scrupulousness of motive and of life, and a higher 
 moral tone generally, setting themselves up as reformers
 
 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF SHEEPFOLDS. 83 
 
 and arbiters ; and all these poor straying sheep, in their 
 eagerness to find shepherds, would flock to them without 
 looking to see whether or not they had the right sort of 
 crook. It is with the view of anticipating any unfortu- 
 nate catastrophe of this sort, that I have ventured to call 
 attention to my own necessities and those of my fellows. 
 The patient who suggests to his doctor a more strenuous 
 mode of treatment because he feels the need of it, does 
 not on that account reflect either upon the ability or the 
 skill in the healing art of his medical attendant; he 
 merely describes symptoms which it is necessary the 
 latter should know, in order to apply a proper remedy. 
 In like manner I have been describing a few social 
 symptoms tending to a general demoralisation, which do 
 not seem to have been sufficiently brought to the notice 
 of our spiritual physicians : but we who suffer from them 
 may surely apply for treatment, and even suggest how it 
 may best be administered, without any disrespect towards 
 those whose special function it is to provide it. 
 
 At all events, my conscience — and I have alluded to 
 the suffering it gives me — not only entirely acquits me 
 of any levity of motive in writing as I have done, but 
 thoroughly approves of it, and with its approval I must 
 rest content.
 
 8-4 
 
 IV. 
 
 MORAL REFLECTIONS BY A JAPANESE 
 TRAYELLER. 
 
 The American people have been so very kind in receiv- 
 ing my political reflections, that I take the great liberty 
 of writing again my observations and feelings about their 
 country. I would not, however, do this without having 
 been asked, because to offer opinions too freely often 
 gives offence when it is not intended. So I wish clearly 
 to explain, that what I write now is in consequence of 
 urgent request, and is not my own proposal. No doubt, 
 many will laugh at my opinions this time, just as they 
 laughed at my political reflections, but I cannot under- 
 stand why they laugh. I read Senator Morton's paper 
 on American Constitution. He said almost exactly the 
 
 1 I am indebted to the proprietor of the ' North American Review ' for 
 kindly permitting me to include this article in the present collection. It 
 was preceded by one called "Political Reflections by a Japanese Trav- 
 eller," to which allusion is made in the first paragraph ; but as the latter 
 had reference to a special phase of American politics which has passed 
 away, and was of local rather than general interest, I have not inserted it 
 here.
 
 MORAL REFLECTIONS. 85 
 
 same things I did. This astonished me very much — 
 and it also satisfied me, because I found this very clever 
 Senator agrees so closely with me. But I observe news- 
 papers did not laugh at him ; then I thought, if I had 
 signed his paper and he had signed mine, they would 
 have laughed at his paper, and approved mine. Ameri- 
 can people look too much at names. They think, when 
 a paper is signed by great name, they must approve, 
 never mind what is in the paper ; if foreigner or un- 
 known man signs, then they don't approve — or pass by 
 silently. I am sorry I said anything about " s&gpuJchu" 1 
 because all over the country ignorant newspapers are 
 laughing. This is only because they do not understand 
 the question. Now I am going to tell them some things 
 that they cannot laugh at, because they are very easy, 
 even for them, to understand, and they are so true they 
 cannot deny them. Besides my political studies, I have 
 made moral studies in different Christian countries : 
 these, as I said before, I am going to publish fully in 
 Japan, but I will now take out of my notes a few points. 
 First, I observe in every country there is different 
 kind of morality, different kind of vice, although all 
 the countries may be Christian ; still vices in Catholic 
 countries differ from vices in Protestant countries, vices 
 in old countries differ from vices in new countries, vices 
 in countries where church is paid by the Government 
 differ from vices in countries where churches are not paid 
 by the Government, vices in countries where there is 
 rich and idle aristocratic class differ from vices in 
 countries where everybody is equal, and everybody is 
 
 1 Popularly known as the custom of Harikari, or "the happy despatch."
 
 86 MORAL EEFLECTIONS 
 
 busy making money. As I am writing for Americans, 
 I will leave all these other countries out of the question, 
 and describe the vices which I observe in a new country, 
 which is chiefly Protestant, where the churches are not 
 paid by the Government, where everybody is equal, 
 according to the Constitution, and all are busy making 
 money. I will not say anything about their virtues, 
 not because they have not got any ; indeed, they have 
 most excellent virtues and high qualities, but it is not 
 necessary for me to tell them ; they describe them very 
 fully themselves both in conversation and newspapers, 
 therefore there would be nothing new in this, but their 
 vices are not so often described, except sometimes with 
 bitterness, but I will describe them with great affection, 
 because I have received so much kindness from American 
 people. In the first place, Americans, quite naturally, 
 like all other Christians, think their religion best in the 
 world, therefore they must try and make other nations 
 adopt it ; for that reason they send missionaries to Japan. 
 If missionaries could come alone, without sailors or 
 merchants, I think they might do some good. Generally, 
 they are very good men, though missionaries of different 
 Christian sects quarrel among themselves more than any 
 other people ; still, individually, they try to set a good 
 example, only their religion does not prevent them from 
 hating each other when they do not agree on religious 
 subjects. 
 
 When they first began to instruct Japanese in prin- 
 ciples of Christian religion, many Japanese accepted, 
 especially of the lower orders, who had not studied Con- 
 fucius and more deep philosophy, only they soon found
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 87 
 
 great difference between what missionaries taught and 
 what so-called Christians practised. 
 
 I have examined into religious matter a good deal, 
 and I find no religion where difference is so great 
 between what religion teaches and what the people 
 practise as in Christian religion. Mahometan religion 
 does not teach such high and pure morality as Chris- 
 tianity, but Mahometans practise their religion much 
 more closely. They are never ashamed to pray, even 
 when they are alone among strangers ; they perform all 
 observances very faithfully. They do not depart from 
 teaching in order to make money, therefore they cannot 
 make it, when they are near Christians, because when 
 Christians (so called) want to make money, they do not 
 care much what their Bible teaches, but Mahometan 
 cares what Koran teaches. Bible says, it is not good 
 to lend money on usury, but Christians always charge 
 interest. Koran says same thing, therefore among them- 
 selves Mahometans do not charge it, and so in many 
 other cases Mahometans obey Koran, but Christians do 
 not obey Bible. Therefore Christians (so called) advance 
 rapidly in material progress, because they sacrifice their 
 religion to this kind of progress. Therefore they quickly 
 become highly civilised, but Mahometans will not sacri- 
 fice their religion, therefore they remain, like early Chris- 
 tians who had all things in common, rather barbarous. 
 Buddhists are more like Christians than Mahometans ; 
 they also have high and pure moral teaching : indeed, all 
 their theology is almost exactly like Christian theology 
 when you examine original teaching, but common people 
 have made it full of superstitions, so it is in many cere-
 
 88 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 monies very like Eoman Catholic or Greek Church, and 
 in same way common people are not so strict as Ma- 
 hometans, more like Christians, only I think priests are 
 better in many things than Christian priests ; they do 
 not quarrel among themselves, like Christian clergymen, 
 about religious questions. Generally they all agree very 
 well, and many good ones do indeed try to make the 
 people good, only the people are too ignorant to under- 
 stand the real principle of Buddhism, and think to per- 
 form superstitious ceremonies is enough, and the priests 
 are afraid to take away their ceremonies, because then 
 the people would think they were taking away their 
 whole religion. I have not been in India, therefore 
 I cannot tell about Hindoo religion, but there is one 
 thing I remark which is very important. From all I 
 can learn, neither Mahometan, nor Buddhist, nor Hindoo 
 says, if you do not believe my religion you will be burnt 
 to all eternity in hell fire with brimstone. Only Chris- 
 tian says this. For this reason many Japanese refuse, 
 the moment they hear this, to become Christian. Sup- 
 pose Japanese woman wants to become Christian, and 
 her husband and brothers and sisters and children refuse, 
 then she says, " How can I become Christian and all my 
 family go to hell fire for eternity ? Better for me also 
 to go to hell fire with them." Therefore she quite 
 naturally refuses. Still, though this is a great objection 
 to accepting Christianity in minds of Japanese people, it 
 might be overcome, if practice of Christians in daily life 
 was superior to practice of people of any other religion, 
 but this is not the case. Since Christians have come to 
 Japan, many vices have been introduced which before
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 89 
 
 were quite unknown. They are the vices which belong 
 to what is called Western civilisation — principally, vices 
 connected with money-making. All kinds of cheating 
 and fraud have now been taught by Christians to Japan- 
 ese, of which they were quite ignorant twenty years ago. 
 When I try to compare the small number of new 
 virtues they have learnt, since that time, by observing 
 the practice of Christians, with the large number of new 
 vices they have learnt from them, I am quite pained and 
 distressed for my dear country to think of it. This is, 
 indeed, a very sad reflection ; so I will not now dwell 
 any more upon it. That is why I said I wish the 
 missionaries had come alone, without any sailors or 
 merchants. For one Christian who comes to teach 
 us anything good, a hundred come to make money and 
 teach us things that are bad. People who know how to 
 make money by trying to get it from each other they 
 called civilised people ; people who have not learnt all 
 the tricks by which money can be made out of each 
 other they call uncivilised people. After much con- 
 sideration of this subject, I can find no other distinction 
 but this. I think quite differently. Civilisation consists 
 in people being pure and good in their lives, not in being 
 rich and smart in their business. For what says the 
 Great Master Confucius on this subject ? " Virtue is 
 the root, revenue the branches. If you lightly esteem 
 the root and attend principally to the branches, you 
 extend disorder and rapine among the people." Look 
 at the great " civilised " cities of London and Paris and 
 New York, and see how true this is. In these places 
 all the effort of both Government and people is to
 
 90 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 " attend principally to the branches," and in what " un- 
 civilised " and " heathen " cities can you find such dis- 
 order and rapine ? When Mr Tweed was governing 
 New York, what did he think about the " root " which 
 is virtue ? In what Buddhist or Mahometan city would 
 such corrupt government be possible, as existed in New 
 York during time of Tweed ? I can tell people of New 
 York who laugh at scppukku and despise heathens, that 
 such robbery and fraudulent government would be quite 
 impossible in Japan. 
 
 Perhaps, after twenty years of "Western civilisation, 
 we may get so far advanced that such a man would 
 become possible as a ruler ; at present, we try to find our 
 high officials among the best and purest men, because 
 we have been so instructed by Confucius, — for what says 
 the Sao;e ? " To see a man of eminent virtue and talents 
 and not to promote him, — to promote him and not raise 
 him to a high station, shows disrespect ; to see a base 
 man and not to dismiss him, — to dismiss him and not to 
 send him to a great distance, is an error." 
 
 It is, indeed, most wonderful to think how truly Con- 
 fucius describes what must happen to a man like Tweed. 
 Exactly he shows how such a man must in the end be 
 punished ; for he says, " Upon the man who is ignorant, 
 and yet pushes himself into office, who holding a low 
 situation assumes authority, who, although living in the 
 present age, returns to the (bad) ways of the ancients, the 
 divine judgments will surely come." Still, notwithstand- 
 ing warning which New York has had, it is, even now, 
 not governed by highest kind of men, but by a common 
 class. This never can succeed, for again the Sage
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 91 
 
 says, " Therefore the ruler must first have virtue in 
 himself, then he may call for it in others ; he must first 
 be free from vice himself, then he may reprove it in 
 others. If we ourselves cherish and practise what we do 
 not wish in others, we cannot possibly enlighten them." 
 The Tsoo book also says, " The Tsoo nation does not 
 esteem gems valuable, — it esteems nothing precious but 
 virtue." For these reasons it is not yet possible for any 
 Japanese city to be governed by a man who is known to 
 be bad and dishonest. "When I read your newspapers, it 
 does not seem possible for your cities, and even your 
 states, to be governed by any other kind. Take, for in- 
 stance, what has been said of Governor Packard, and, 
 before him, of Governor Kellogg in Louisiana. I do not 
 know whether it is true or not, but in uncivilised country 
 I come from, such men could not be accused of such 
 things and live. Either they must prove that they are 
 not true, and then people accusing them must be pun- 
 ished, or else, if they are true, they would be punished 
 themselves. But here in this Christian country, where 
 you are told to " honour all men," not " to speak evil of 
 dignities," not to " bear false witness," not " to think evil 
 one of another," " to clo to others as you would they would 
 do to you," politics are carried on entirely on an opposite 
 principle. Foundation of American politics is not to 
 honour any politicians, always to speak evil of dignities, 
 if they are on the other side in politics, always bear false 
 witness, if election can be carried that way, to think a 
 great deal evil of everybody, and, politically, to do always 
 to the other side exactly what you would not at all like 
 them to do to you. Although it is against Bible, this is
 
 92 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 done quite openly, nobody is ashamed of it, nobody pub- 
 licly condemns it. I have heard many sermons in 
 Christian churches ; I have never heard a clergyman say 
 that political men should love one another and honour 
 one another, and not write abuse in newspapers against 
 each other. 
 
 Even they ought each to esteem the other better than 
 himself, but this is so impossible that even to propose it, 
 though it is a sacred saying, would make everybody 
 laugh. When I read newspapers, I feel sure it would 
 not improve Japan to have civilised and Christian jour- 
 nalism introduced into that country, though, unhappily, 
 some Japanese are trying to imitate this also. If news- 
 papers were written to make politicians forgive each 
 other and love each other, then, perhaps, they might do 
 some good ; but Christian newspapers only make people 
 more angry with each other, and therefore more unchris- 
 tian. Same thing with religious newspapers. Only 
 they do not abuse politicians so much as they abuse each 
 other. What is the use of churches and clergymen, if 
 they do not preach against such bad things ? Best men 
 in this country say, that they cannot be politicians, be- 
 cause politicians generally dishonest, or else suspected of 
 being dishonest, and nearly always called dishonest, and 
 because to succeed, it is necessary " to go through so 
 much dirt ; " therefore they say, " We are obliged to leave 
 to more mean kind of men to be politicians and to rule 
 over us, and spend the revenue of the nation for us, and 
 represent our interests in foreign countries, but we think 
 you Japanese are still quite barbarous because you have 
 different kind of government, which obliges you to choose
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 93 
 
 more high and pure kind of men ; therefore, we recom- 
 mend you to become more advanced and civilised like 
 we are." But how can we do this and forget the lofty 
 saying of the Tsin book ? — which says, " Had I a min- 
 ister of unbending fidelity, although he might appear to 
 possess no other talent, yet were his mind enlarged and 
 generous, when he saw a man of eminent talents, he 
 would view his talents as if they were his own. The 
 man of vast intelligence and virtue he would not merely 
 praise with his lips but really love him in his heart, and 
 embrace him in his regards. Such a man could preserve 
 my children and my people. "Would not such a man be 
 of great advantage ? But if a minister is jealous of men 
 of talents, opposes and keeps from notice those who 
 possess eminent ability and virtue, not being able to 
 bear them, such a man is incapable of protecting my 
 children and people — nay, how dangerous he may prove." 
 American people may call such teaching heathen, but I 
 call it best kind of Christian teaching, and this is rule 
 we actually try always to follow in Japan. If any man 
 does not follow this rule, he is very much ashamed, and 
 would rather die than let people suppose he was not 
 good and pure ; but here when newspapers call a Governor 
 thief and robber, he feels no shame. Therefore I still 
 hope my countrymen will try and follow good old teach- 
 ing of our wise and pure men, even though they were 
 heathens. Again, I observe very curious thing. Per- 
 haps, in politics or in commerce, a man is attacked this 
 way in the newspapers, maybe rightly, maybe wrongly : 
 if he is candidate for some high office, almost always he 
 is accused of stealing money ; or if lie makes money very
 
 94 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 quickly in Wall Street, also others who lose their money- 
 accuse him of stealing it — quite openly they accuse him 
 in newspapers, like they accused Mr Tilden, or like they 
 accuse Mr Gould. 
 
 Then very often these same men profess to be very 
 religious men ; they buy very expensive pews in churches, 
 and give a great deal of money to keep up clergymen 
 and Sunday-schools. Immediately, when they are so 
 publicly accused of stealing, quite naturally clergymen 
 should ask, " Is this true ? At once you must prove to 
 me this is not true, otherwise I will turn you out of my 
 church, and throw back your money to you, and sell 
 your pew to some honest man." I have asked great 
 deal about this, but never have I heard of clergyman 
 who did this thing. Only sometimes, if a man is very 
 poor and cheats, then they do it, but if he is very rich 
 they take his money. They do not inquire how he 
 made it. 
 
 In countries where Government pays church, this vice 
 does not exist, only they have other kind of vice. In 
 England nobles and bishops can sell clergymen and 
 churches, in quite a complicated and curious kind of 
 way, very difficult to understand properly, though I 
 studied it thoroughly, and I will explain it afterwards 
 in my Japanese book fully. I think that will surprise 
 Buddhist priests more than anything I have seen in 
 Western civilisation. Never would Buddhist priest 
 allow himself and his temple to be sold, even by most 
 high and powerful Daimio, — sooner he would die. In- 
 deed, priests in my country do not try to become rich. 
 However, I am not Buddhist myself ; only for many
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 95 
 
 things I respect them. I think priests in all religions 
 should not care at all about money. In Bible also it 
 says so. Indeed, Bible is strongly opposed to all money- 
 making for any kind of people. I think one of great 
 beauties in Christian teaching is constant attack upon 
 rich people and love of money. It says, " Love of money 
 root of all evil; " " Haste not to be rich." Then, money- 
 changers were scourged out of temple for buying and 
 selling inside, and rich young man was told he must 
 give up all he had and give to the poor ; indeed that 
 teaching is most beautiful. When I first read all that, 
 certainly I thought I must become Christian. Even now 
 I believe thoroughly all this teaching, but to practise it 
 I must go back to Japan. There a man could still live 
 in daily life this teaching ; here it would not be possible. 
 Certainly he would starve immediately. In Japan, if 
 man asked for cloak, you could give him coat also ; 
 immediately you would be celebrated for sacrificing self, 
 and good people would acknowledge your goodness and 
 support you. Many men in my country are celebrated, 
 not for political cleverness, or for richness, or for power, 
 but for pureness and goodness. Several times, when I 
 first arrived in America, I asked who is purest and best 
 man in America, but no one could give me answer. A 
 man in Japan can become celebrated for sacrificing self 
 to neighbour, because Confucius teaches this, just like the 
 Bible. Therefore, when he practises, everybody rever- 
 ences him, but here they do not ; for what says the 
 Great Master on this subject ? — " That which you hate 
 in superiors, do not practise in your conduct towards 
 inferiors ; that which you dislike in inferiors, do not
 
 96 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 practise towards superiors ; that which you hate in those 
 before you, do not exhibit to those behind you ; that 
 which you hate in those behind you, do not manifest to 
 those before you ; that which you hate in those on your 
 right, do not manifest to those on your left ; that which 
 you hate in those on your left, do not manifest to those 
 on your right. This is the doctrine of measuring others 
 by ourselves." And this doctrine we try to follow, and 
 when we see any one doing this, we very highly approve 
 and encourage him; but in this country such a man would 
 rather be laughed at and called a fool, because it is not 
 possible to follow this principle and become rich, and to 
 become rich is more esteemed than to become good. 
 Indeed, it seems to me that in Christian countries every- 
 thing is done exactly opposite to Christian teaching so 
 high and pure and noble and self-sacrificing — but quite 
 openly everything is done exactly on opposite principle. 
 Then I say, why do you profess so much and do so little ? 
 This is most bad of all vices, to be hypocrite, because 
 man who is hypocrite lives constant lie. All the time 
 he is pretending to be one thing, and is actually entirely 
 different. Many men who have been considered most 
 religious and ceremonious of men in church matters, get 
 exposed in the newspapers, and then we find all the 
 time that they have been practising most wicked things. 
 The great Master teaches, that no man can be supe- 
 rior who does such things. I hope you will excuse my 
 quoting so much out of teaching of great Master, but I 
 want to show that even if Christians would obey teach- 
 ing of Confucius closely, even then they would be better 
 than they are, and that it is because we try to follow his
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 97 
 
 teaching, we have morality quite as good as morality in 
 Christian countries. And this is not because Christian 
 teaching is not high and beautiful, but because Christians 
 laugh at their own teaching, therefore we cannot respect 
 them, and we feel that they have no right to call us bar- 
 barous and uncivilised, until they try to follow their 
 moral teaching, at least as well as we follow ours. 
 
 This is what Confucius says about hypocrites. " That 
 which is called rectifying the motives is this : do not 
 deceive yourself ; hate vice as you do an offensive smell ; 
 love virtue as you love beauty. This is called self -enjoy- 
 ment. Hence the superior man will carefully watch 
 over his secret moments. The worthless man, when in 
 secret, practises vice ; nay, there is no length of wickedness 
 to which he does not proceed, but when he observes the 
 superior man, he attempts to conceal his vices, and puts 
 on the appearance of virtue. Men who observe see, as 
 it were, his heart and reins. What, then, does he profit 
 himself ? This is what is meant by the adage, ' What 
 is really within shows itself without.' Hence the supe- 
 rior man must be careful over his conduct, when no eye 
 sees him." This is why I think it would be very diffi- 
 cult for superior man, if he was on New York Stock 
 Exchange, to become quickly rich. 
 
 When Japanese first came in contact with Western 
 countries, immediately we began to have financial affairs 
 with them. Then at once we found ourselves badly 
 cheated. First, came currency question in Japan, when 
 all the merchants applied under all kinds of different 
 names, not their own, for silver, so as to escape the rule 
 of the Treaty. After losing great deal of money, we 
 
 G
 
 98 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 finally got that settled ; then Americans sold Japanese 
 Government bad steamers, for great deal more than 
 they were worth, and again we were cheated. Then 
 people came from England to persuade Japanese Gov- 
 ernment to make a large loan ; then we did not under- 
 stand foreign principle of emitting loan, and again in 
 London we were cheated. Finally, I determined to study 
 financial matters myself, first, in London, then, in New 
 York. Then I found financial men in London cheat on 
 different system from New York. I don't know which 
 cheat worse. I will not now try and explain where the 
 difference exactly is, but I will try and explain what I 
 have discovered about New York system. For Jap- 
 anese it is very difficult to understand all about Stock 
 Exchange, and " Bull " men and " Bear " men, and Bail- 
 way and Steamboat and Telegraph and other Companies, 
 and so, even yet, I feel very ignorant on such questions. 
 Nevertheless, very soon I discovered that first thing I 
 must understand is, what is a " Ring," and how " Bing " 
 can be made. For a long time no one would clearly 
 explain this to me. At last I found true reason why 
 even clever financial men would not explain it. Gener- 
 ally, they are very so-called pious kind of men, and 
 " Bing " is a sort of secret society among quite a few 
 most smart men to cheat other men who are not so smart, 
 also to cheat the whole public which is generally rather 
 foolish. Therefore, pretending pious financial men would 
 not explain ; only, finally, I found financial man not at 
 all pious, also very smart ; he explained all to me thor- 
 oughly, and I saw most plainly it was most wicked 
 thing, exactly opposed to teaching in Bible, and also to
 
 BY A JAPANESE TKAVELLEE. 99 
 
 teaching of Confucius, but I have not space here to quote 
 his teaching on this point. 
 
 Therefore, immediately I thought it must be duty of 
 every clergyman, before he takes money from so-called 
 pious financial man, to ask, first, this important question, 
 " Are you in any Eing ? " As I was studying moral 
 question, immediately when I thought this, I called on a 
 clergyman, rather celebrated man, and I asked him, " Do 
 you always ask this question ? " Then he got rather 
 angry. He said, not possible to ask such questions, 
 financial man would immediately answer, " mind your 
 own business ! " Therefore, he could not ask. Then I 
 replied, in the words of Confucius, what was duty of 
 moral teacher like him ; because Confucius explains very 
 fully on this point. He says, superior man must " ex- 
 amine very narrowly inferior man who pretends to be 
 superior ; " but clergyman immediately answered, " Con- 
 fucius is only heathen teacher." Since that time, I have 
 not talked with clergymen on religious subjects. Only 
 I study Bible ; then I compare with it their practice. 
 After great financial panic came in New York, I made 
 very accurate moral study concerning it, and inquired 
 narrowly about the principal men who failed ; because 
 newspapers were calling some of them thieves, and every 
 one, indeed, was abusing them very much, because many 
 people had lost money by them. Then I found nearly 
 all were so-called pious financial men ; so then I in- 
 quired why so many financial men must be pious, and 
 one even founded " theological seminary " who was most 
 celebrated in " Rings." Then my friend, who did not 
 pretend to be religious, explained how, for many reasons,
 
 100 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 it was great assistance in financial operations to profess 
 religion. Only he said he himself was too honest ; 
 nevertheless, he admitted he made great fortune by 
 cheating people. Even yet I could not understand this 
 matter thoroughly, but one day I visited a beautiful 
 island in one of the great American lakes. There I 
 found lovely little island, with beautiful cottage upon 
 it full of clergymen of all kinds of different sects. Then 
 I inquired how so many clergymen of different sects 
 could, nevertheless, be living together peaceably in one 
 house on this beautiful island, — then it was explained 
 to me that they were all invited to come and rest to- 
 gether and recover health there, by a most powerful 
 financial man, who had immense Eailway plans ; then, 
 when his plans failed because from the beginning they 
 were bad and hollow, in all the congregations of these 
 clergymen great many bonds and stocks of this railway 
 plan, which now had no value, were found. Since then 
 I quite well understand why it is very useful for financial 
 man also to profess to be religious. "When I say, " pro- 
 fess to be religious," I do not mean really religious, I 
 mean pretend to be religious. Clergymen cannot attack 
 them because, not being paid by Government, immedi- 
 ately they would be ruined if they made all these power- 
 ful men angry. Therefore, the greatest vice I find in 
 America is hypocrisy. Of all vices it is the worst. Then 
 I ask you, my American friends, with great affection, 
 because this is most serious matter, what would your 
 churches live upon, and how long would they last, if 
 there were no longer any hypocrites in this country ? 
 Also I hope clergymen also will excuse me, if I ask them
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLEE. 101 
 
 especially this same question. Do not think because I ask 
 this question, therefore I am attacking Christian religion. 
 Religion is one thing ; churches, another thing quite 
 different. When the great Teacher of Christian religion 
 came, first thing He did was, to attack Jewish church 
 because Jewish church was not following religion, but 
 was full of hypocrisy. Therefore, always He said, " Woe 
 unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites ! " Very 
 often He repeats this. All great moral teachers feel 
 that most serious danger to real religion is hypocrisy. 
 Therefore, He hated hypocrites most of all. Neverthe- 
 less, so-called religious men to-day do almost exactly 
 the same things He blamed in Jews. They " do alms 
 to be seen of men," they " love to pray in the syna- 
 gogues," and " do their works to be seen of men," and 
 " lay up treasure for themselves on earth ; " therefore, 
 He says, " Woe unto you that are rich ! " For these say- 
 ings, " the chief priests and the scribes sought to destroy 
 Him." I almost think again they would do so. 
 
 Japanese people are now travelling very much all 
 about Christian countries ; — then, when they read this 
 beautiful teaching and see members of Christian churches 
 doing all things exactly contrary to it, and find that 
 clergymen allow all this to go on in their churches, they 
 lose all respect. Then, when they go back to Japan, 
 they will explain all this to people. Then, when mis- 
 sionaries try to correct Japanese, they will ask them why 
 they allow such things openly, and why themselves they 
 do not follow more closely divine teaching, then they 
 must be ready to answer. Therefore, quite kindly, 1 
 tell them now, so when they are asked, they can have
 
 102 MORAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 answer all ready prepared. It seems to me when people 
 become immensely rich, then they need not be hypocrites 
 any longer, because in this country money can do any- 
 thing. I do not think, if a man had five million of 
 dollars, he could be hung in this country, even when 
 murder was quite clearly proved. Somehow he would 
 escape. I think, if he had fifty millions, he could elect 
 Presidents and everybody he chose ; then, of course, no 
 longer any occasion to be a hypocrite. 
 
 So then, I find three great powers in this country : 
 first is money, second is hypocrisy, third is " Kings." To 
 use American expression, these three powers " run the 
 country." Only real pure virtue has no power, because 
 almost certainly whoever was strictly superior man, ac- 
 cording to Confucius, must seem like a fool to all smart 
 men. He cannot succeed like other men, therefore he 
 must retire. 
 
 I could write a great deal more on this subject, but 
 partly I am afraid of saying things that may offend. If 
 I knew English language better, I could write in more 
 flowing kind of style, so I might even tell many true 
 things in a manner that would not seem rather rude. 
 Still, it is not my intention to be rude, only to be quite 
 honest and sincere. In my book which I am going to 
 write in Japan, I have divided American vices under 
 four heads : first, ecclesiastical vices, that is, all vices 
 connected with sects, churches, clergymen, religious news- 
 papers, young men's Christian associations, and so on ; 
 second, political vices, that is, all vices connected with 
 elections, lobbying, political newspapers, wire-pullers, 
 Custom House frauds, Indian administration, political
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 103 
 
 rings, and so on ; third, financial vices (I have already a 
 little touched on these, from which you can see how I 
 can describe them quite fully); fourth, social vices, such 
 as vices connected with marriage system in this country, 
 the aristocracy of a democratic republic, and many other 
 subjects rather delicate, therefore I will not say anything 
 more. I only mention this to show that I have indeed 
 earnestly examined your country, and I find one thing of 
 which you are entirely ignorant, and this is " Taou." 
 
 This one word contains such a high idea, that I am 
 afraid it is not possible for you to understand it. Never- 
 theless, I will try and explain. Taou is " the way of the 
 Sage," or " the way of Heaven ; " it is omnipresent, and 
 fills and influences all things, therefore Confucius says, 
 " The Taou of the supremely sincere enables them to 
 foreknow things : it is only they who carry sincerity to 
 the highest point, and in whom there remains not a 
 single hair's-breaclth of hypocrisy, that can foresee the 
 hidden springs of things. Taou is what men ought to 
 practise, Taou is the self-sacrifice by which one's self is 
 perfected, and the knowledge by which one perfects 
 others. Taou is the virtue of nature, the way of uniting 
 the external and the internal." All this is Taou, and a 
 great deal more ; indeed, it takes a life to study and 
 understand Taou, for it contains three hundred outlines 
 and three thousand minute particulars thereof. It is not 
 possible, indeed, to understand it without first practising 
 it. It cannot be understood by the mind alone ; only by 
 strictly living every day according to the highest prin- 
 ciples of self-sacrifice, can it be understood. Tsze Sze, 
 who was a great sage, and student of Confucius, thus
 
 104 MOEAL REFLECTIONS 
 
 describes this most wonderful principle in a few words. 
 " It is only the man possessed of Taou that can perfect 
 his own nature ; he who can perfect his own nature, can 
 perfect the nature of other men ; he who can perfect the 
 nature of other men, can perfect the nature of things ; he 
 who can perfect the nature of things, can assist heaven 
 and earth in producing things. When this is the case, 
 then he is united with heaven and earth so as to form a 
 trinity." This, however, is too deep for ordinary intelli- 
 gence to comprehend. Only those who practise Taou, 
 can understand fully its meaning. Though most un- 
 worthy man myself, for many years I have tried to prac- 
 tise Taou. Therefore my eyes are somewhat open to 
 perceive moral questions in different countries, because I 
 examine them by the light of Taou ; therefore I have 
 written frankly, because my purpose in writing has been 
 quite pure. Now most earnestly I beseech you to stop 
 making money, because it is not possible to spend your 
 life in becoming rich, and still have time to discover and 
 practise the " way of heaven," which is Taou. Also give 
 up this openly trying to persuade men that you are good, 
 by belonging externally to churches, when internally you 
 are following the way of the inferior man. Eemember 
 what the Ode says, " Look into your own chamber, and 
 see whether you have cause for shame in the presence of 
 your household gods." 
 
 Never mind if men despise you, and speak badly of 
 you because you retire from their evil ways. At last the 
 glories of Taou will shine through you, for what says the 
 Sage ? " He who possesses Taou, without showing him- 
 self he will shine forth, without moving he will renovate
 
 BY A JAPANESE TRAVELLER. 105 
 
 others, without acting he will perfect them." And again, 
 ' Though the path of the superior man appear secret, yet 
 it daily becomes more splendid, while the path of the 
 mean man, though he strive to exhibit it, daily vanishes 
 from sight." But, perhaps, you will say you have not 
 studied Confucius, and cannot obtain his works, therefore 
 it is not possible for you to practise Taou. Then I at 
 once answer most fearlessly, you have your own Sacred 
 Book, which contains the divine principle of Taou, 
 though, perhaps, your eyes are still too blind to perceive 
 it, and your own most wonderful Teacher, who explained 
 most fully " The Kingdom (or Way) of Heaven." There- 
 fore you cannot make any such excuse. Believe me, for 
 I have studied this thing. It is most tremendous Power 
 even now hanging over the world. Confucius says of it, 
 ' It waits for its men, and then is walked in (or prac- 
 tised)." But it will not always wait ; if men do not 
 practise, it will overtake and crush them, and this is 
 what your own great Teacher meant when He said, 
 " Whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken : but 
 on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder." 
 Sionara ! l 
 
 A Japanese Tkavellek. 
 
 1 Japanese farewell.
 
 106 
 
 V. 
 
 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A JOINT-STOCK 
 COMPANY (LIMITED). 1 
 
 In a few days my brief and stormy career will finally 
 close. I can calmly, and even thankfully, contemplate 
 this premature extinction of an existence which has 
 ruined reputations, shattered fortunes, and carried want 
 and misery into hundreds of humble homes ; for I am 
 wearied and worn out with the effort it has caused me to 
 achieve these deplorable results, and utterly disgusted 
 with the advanced state of civilisation which has made 
 me the victim of its immoral tendencies. As far as my 
 exhausted and feeble condition will allow me to feel 
 anything, I think I can honestly say I am conscious of 
 being in a repentant frame of mind. 
 
 What philosopher can explain to me the nature of the 
 causes of which I am the vile effect ? It was not my 
 
 1 I wish to acknowledge here the obligation I am under to my collabor- 
 ateur in this article, Mr George Von Chauvin, to whose sense of humour, 
 and thorough conversance with the subject of which it treats, is princi- 
 pally due whatever merit it may be thought to possess.
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 107 
 
 own fault that, like those who first hatched me, I was 
 conceived in sin and shapen in iniquity, and became 
 almost immediately the means of demoralising every one 
 who came into contact with me, of deceiving those who 
 trusted in me, and of crushing those who opposed me, 
 until my own turn came, and I fizzed out in a gutter 
 of fraud like a bad squib. Depraved though I am, I 
 regret to say that, knowing as much as I do of the 
 merits of the other members of my fraternity who still 
 exist and flourish, I may yet hope that a process of 
 natural selection is in progress, and that joint-stock com- 
 panies, like the human race, are to rise into new and 
 better conditions through the " survival of the fittest." 
 At the same time, I know that I am not altogether bad ; 
 for I always found myself in sympathy with the few 
 honest men upon my board. Now and then I experi- 
 enced the novel and delightful sensation of awakening 
 conscience, forming good resolutions — which at one time 
 I intended to keep ; and I looked forward to a calm and 
 serene old age, soothed by the reflection that thousands 
 would be rendered happier by my existence, and that my 
 own health and wellbeing would be a source of amiable 
 anxiety to numbers of respectable shareholders. 
 
 How the moral element thus temporarily infused into 
 my system was afterwards expelled, and my whole nature 
 became even worse at the end than it was at the begin- 
 ning, is part of the thrilling story of my life to which I 
 invite the attention of the reader ; and I address myself 
 to all without distinction, for all will be the wiser by the 
 perusal of this most timely and instructive warning. I 
 address myself to you, my innocent clerical friends, in
 
 108 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 remote country parishes — for I know of no more igno- 
 rant and confiding class of investors ; and though you 
 may not think that the life and fortunes of a joint-stock 
 company (limited) can interest you whose vocation lies 
 in such a very different direction, as long as you have 
 little earnings which you blindly invest on the faith of 
 neatly-addressed circulars and prospectuses, you are in- 
 terested, deeply interested, in the story I have to tell. I 
 address myself to you, fair readers, especially widows and 
 spinsters ; for however capable you may think your- 
 selves of enjoying the franchise, I am able from my own 
 knowledge to declare that you are utterly unfit to man- 
 age your own money-matters, and I should never have 
 been able to enter upon my fraudulent career had it not 
 been for the powerful support I derived from the trust- 
 ing contributions of confiding or speculative female in- 
 vestors ; and now, in such solemn tones as I find it 
 possible to command, reclining as I am at this moment 
 in the arms of my official liquidator, with but a feeble 
 spark of vitality still left, I warn you to read carefully 
 this melancholy history. Believe me, it concerns you 
 deeply. Such of you as have invested in me, I shall 
 endeavour to remind of my gay and misspent youth, by 
 providing you, by means of the officer legally appointed 
 for that purpose, with infinitesimal dividends, extracted 
 at long intervals from my miserable and shrunken re- 
 mains — Bless you ! 
 
 I address myself to you, rich landed proprietors, who 
 never meddle with City matters, or investments, or " that 
 sort of thing," but leave it all to your men of business, 
 and I ask you whether you have had reason to be satis-
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 109 
 
 fied with the results of their advice this year ? Don't 
 you think you had better try and understand a little 
 where your money is, and where it is not ? And you 
 men of business, who advise your clients, no doubt with 
 the best intentions, have you had reason always to be 
 satisfied with the advice you have given them ? Clever 
 though you are, and honest though you may be, it will 
 do you no harm to read my narrative. And you, im- 
 pecunious connections of the aristocracy, who have neither 
 brains nor experience, but think you know enough to 
 combine West-end fashion with East-end financing, if 
 you ever read anything, read me, that you may avoid 
 having your purses — which, indeed, at best are trash — 
 stolen, and your good names filched. Alas ! I fear that 
 those I seek to reach are just those who will think I 
 don't concern them. The parsons, the widows, the 
 orphans, the officers on half pay, the rich squires, the 
 titled dupes — the sponges, in fact, whom I want to warn 
 against the squeezers, will pass me by, while the squeez- 
 ers themselves will chuckle over my adventurous career, 
 as thieves read the police reports, partly on account of 
 the affectionate interest they take in the profession, and 
 partly in the hope of picking up a wrinkle or two for 
 future use and guidance. 
 
 Having taken the liberty, with a frankness which I 
 regret formed no part of my original character, but which 
 my approaching dissolution has suggested to me as ex- 
 pedient, to address these and all other classes of my 
 readers, I will now endeavour to convey to them some 
 idea of the process of my inception. I wish it, however, 
 to be distinctly understood, that while I carefully veil
 
 110 THE AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 the mystery of my identity, I am not altogether a mythi- 
 cal character ; that the facts of my existence are real, 
 and not imaginary ; and that there is nothing I am 
 about to relate which has not actually occurred : at the 
 same time, any attempt of the most experienced promoter 
 or knowing broker to discover exactly who I am, or 
 rather was, will be utterly futile, so artful is the disguise 
 behind which this record of my varied fortunes has been 
 concealed. 
 
 Disdaining to take refuge in a fictitious name, and 
 scorning the subterfuge of a sham prospectus, I will 
 merely say that I first received the rude outlines of my 
 subsequent shape in the ingenious brain of a needy and 
 adventurous speculator. This gentleman, who had passed 
 through the various phases of an officer in the army, a 
 member of the House of Commons, and a broker on the 
 Stock Exchange, from all of which he had, in one form 
 or other, been practically, if not by any formal process, 
 expelled, had been driven to earning a precarious liveli- 
 hood by taking up what he called one " little business " 
 after another. He was popularly known as the " Cap- 
 tain ; " and in consideration of his natural predatory 
 habits, I will venture to introduce him to my readers 
 as Captain Hawk. His style of " little business " con- 
 sisted in arranging for concessions, acting apparently as 
 principal where it was too dangerous for the real prin- 
 cipal to appear ; playing the part of spy or detective 
 between business friends at the request of either, or 
 both ; dealing in horses and carriages ; trying to obtain 
 contracts for large contractors ; and introducing people 
 who had " good things " to sell, or valuable ideas to
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). Ill 
 
 impart, to capitalists likely to invest in them, and vice 
 versd : on all which transactions he received commissions 
 varying in amount — sometimes, indeed, very trifling — 
 or was remunerated in other underhand methods well 
 known to the craft. I don't think he was originally a 
 dishonest man, and he still possessed many amiable and 
 generous traits — such, for instance, as that of freely 
 lending his friends the money which did not belong to 
 him, and being always ready to put them into " good 
 things," a service which they rarely returned. The 
 fertility of resource and ingenuity of invention with 
 which this worthy was gifted was something amazing ; 
 and I shall never forget the first time I saw myself in 
 manuscript. He was in very low water at the time, and 
 lived in a small lodging in a street off the Strand : but 
 he shared the peculiarity of other members of the same 
 fraternity, of rising and sinking with extraordinary rapid- 
 ity and facility. There never was anything to equal his 
 elasticity in this respect. The contrast between his gay 
 and jaunty appearance when he was dashing down 
 Piccadilly behind a pair of high-stepping bays, when 
 his luck was good — and the seedy sort of swagger with 
 which, a few months after, in an almost starving condi- 
 tion, he would secretly visit financiers who were ashamed 
 to see him openly, — was a perpetual marvel to me. His 
 external appearance was that of a somewhat dissipated 
 "plunger." Heavy sandy moustache, from which volumes 
 of smoke perpetually issued, concealed a not unpleasant 
 mouth ; and as he wrote me out impregnating me with his 
 filthy tobacco, I remember looking up with astonishment 
 into his calm blue eyes, and wondering how such an
 
 112 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF- 
 
 apparently vacuous countenance could ever have imag- 
 ined such a complicated and incomprehensible prospectus 
 as I felt myself, even in that first dawn of conscious- 
 ness, to be. 
 
 Poor man ! he deserved to get something for his 
 trouble ; for the effort of producing me cost him hours 
 of concentrated thought, six tumblers of brandy-and- 
 water, and as many cigars ; and though, of course, I 
 cannot say I have any recollection of it, I have a dim 
 sort of consciousness that I had, so to speak, been 
 incubating in his brain for many weeks before I saw the 
 light. 
 
 At last, after innumerable corrections, modifications, 
 and final polishings, I was folded up, put into his pocket, 
 and entered upon the next stage of my still infantile ex- 
 istence. 
 
 This gentleman is known in the phraseology of finance 
 as my Promoter ; and in spite of his many bad habits 
 and general laxity of morals, after an extensive experience 
 of City men engaged in providing investments for the 
 public and managing them after they have been provided, 
 I am proud to say that I can think of him with a certain 
 feeling of filial tenderness and even respect, for he did 
 not conceal unknown villanies under the guise of respect- 
 ability: having no profession, he certainly made none; he 
 was contented to live on the outskirts of the society to 
 which he really belonged, instead of forcing his way into 
 the society to which he did not belong — and rather 
 picked up the remnants after the leaders of the profes- 
 sion had robbed the public, than stole from them him- 
 self.
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 113 
 
 Although I naturally did not know where I was goino- 
 to, or what the next feature of my existence was to be 
 at the time, it will make it clearer if I explain, which 
 the light of my subsequent experience enables me to 
 do, the plan of my Promoter. In order to give me any 
 real value, it became necessary for him to obtain certain 
 concessions and permissions from foreign Governments 
 and municipalities — for I was a vast conception with 
 ramifications all over Europe, and my success depended 
 upon the construction of divers works involving contracts ; 
 in fact, there was a great deal of money to be made out 
 of me by my Promoter, if he was only careful in his 
 manipulation of me in my earlier stages. The first 
 difficulty, and indeed the one, poor man, with which 
 he had most frequently to contend through life, was 
 impecuniosity. 
 
 He now stood in need of cash with which to pay his 
 travelling expenses, and which should enable him to de- 
 posit the necessary caution money. Now there were two 
 courses open to him : he could either go to a capitalist, 
 explain the merits of the scheme, and go as his agent, 
 having to give an account of his expenses, and receiving 
 a stipulated sum ; or he might take a partner from among 
 the unwary youth of the West End. 
 
 The objections to the first course were obvious. The 
 City capitalist would use him and throw him aside with 
 a beggarly remuneration when he had no further need 
 of him. The poor Captain knew this from bitter ex- 
 perience ; but the obstacle in the way of the other course 
 was, that the Captain had exhausted the tribe of fast and 
 rich young men whom he had known in his fashionable 
 
 H
 
 114 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 days. He could only think of one man with whom he 
 had a chance in this direction ; if this failed, he would 
 have to do the best he could in the City. A few weeks 
 before, he had observed in the papers the death of a rich 
 baronet, who had made his fortune in trade, and whose 
 son had been a cornet in my Promoter's regiment, where 
 he was noted for his weakness of intellect and extreme 
 vanity. This youth had now become Sir Twig Eobinson; 
 and to him with a sanguine and even triumphant air my 
 Promoter addressed himself, though I could feel the 
 sinking presentiment of failure agitating his breast as I 
 pressed against it. 
 
 Inexperienced as I then was, I was literally thunder- 
 struck at the skill with which my Promoter flattered, 
 tempted, and cajoled Sir Twig. That young gentleman, 
 inflated with the newly-acquired consciousness of great 
 wealth, was dazzled by the prospect of his name being 
 connected with the brilliant and gigantic enterprise which 
 my Promoter expatiated upon with extraordinary elo- 
 quence. Not only was there great profit, but there was 
 great credit to be got out of it ; and if the truth is to 
 be told, with management, there really was both. Sir 
 Twig was, after all, not by any means such a fool for 
 taking me up as he has been since on many occasions ; 
 and he exhibited a certain degree of cunning in the tena- 
 city with which he insisted that if he advanced the whole 
 of the capital necessary for these preliminary expenses, 
 the concessions should be taken out in his name alone. 
 The Captain was afraid of exciting his suspicions if he 
 objected too strongly to this : so it was finally settled, 
 that in consideration of my Promoter undertaking the
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 115 
 
 by no means simple task of securing the concessions and 
 permissions, Sir Twig was to find the money requisite, 
 and the profits were to be equally divided ; or, as he 
 elegantly expressed it, " "We'll go halves in the pull." 
 
 I am obliged, in order not to prolong this veracious 
 history to undue limits, to deprive the reader of the 
 exciting narrative of my adventures in various foreign 
 capitals. Indeed I have some excuse for this ; for al- 
 though I was generally in his pocket, they were not so 
 much my adventures as my Promoter's. He it was who 
 lingered and gambled at Monaco, and justified it after- 
 wards to Sir Twig on the plea that he was obliged to go 
 there in order to meet a lady who was supposed to 
 exercise a paramount influence over a certain well-known 
 Minister who dispensed concessions. An admirable lin- 
 guist, my Promoter was eminently qualified for the duty 
 on which he was now engaged. His easy assurance 
 secured him a favourable reception in society ; and al- 
 though he was somewhat shyly regarded by our own 
 embassies and legations, he succeeded in winning access 
 to the authorities with whom he had to deal, generally 
 by means of his popularity with the fair sex. My readers 
 would indeed be surprised to learn the names of certain 
 distinguished foreign dames to whose powerful advocacy 
 the Captain owed more than one concession, and whom 
 he, in consideration thereof, allowed to " stand in " for 
 a certain number of fully paid-up shares in the Company 
 when formed. For more than six months did my Pro- 
 moter dine, bribe, flirt, and intrigue, to his own great 
 content ; for he spent Sir Twig's money as freely as if 
 it had been his own, while he graduated his bribes with
 
 116 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 a most delicate discrimination. It takes a great deal of 
 patience and diplomatic skill to secure a concession ; for 
 any small employe" can put a spoke in the wheel if he is 
 not " squared " in some shape or other, and they know 
 their power but too well. But my Promoter was more 
 than a match for them, and returned triumphantly just 
 as Sir Twig was beginning to take a gloomy view of 
 things, and to think that the whole affair was a ruse of 
 the Captain to live luxuriously abroad at his expense. 
 It was with a surly grunt, then, that he received my 
 Promoter, as the latter, in faultless attire purchased with 
 Sir Twig's money, and with a radiant smile, burst into 
 his room one morning to announce his success. 
 
 " I thought you were never coming back," growled 
 Sir Twig. " I suppose you thought there was no occa- 
 sion to hurry, considering that I was paying the piper. 
 I kept writing to tell you to come back, but you took 
 no notice of my letters ; and now you have got these 
 precious concessions, I don't believe they are worth any- 
 thing. Who is going to buy them ? People who know 
 about these things tell me the public are shy of going 
 in for a thin^ of this sort, and that there is not a chance 
 of its going down." 
 
 " Of course it won't go down, my dear Twig," said the 
 Captain, with a delightful impudence. 
 
 " Then why did you get the concessions, and what do 
 you propose to do ? " 
 
 "Form a syndicate, to be sure, — what else should 
 I do ? " 
 
 " A syndicate ! what's that ? " asked Sir Twig. 
 
 "I'll explain in a moment," replied the Captain; "but
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 117 
 
 before we go any further, we have a little business to 
 settle between us. You will observe that all these con- 
 cessions are, as you stipulated they should be, taken in 
 your name. Now I want you to sign a little agreement 
 to the effect that whatever money is given for the con- 
 cessions, if we sell them, is to be equally divided between 
 us. This is only fair, you know — an ordinary matter of 
 business routine. After you have done that, I'll explain 
 to you the nature and functions of a syndicate." 
 
 Sir Twig had a vague feeling that it was never safe 
 to sign his name, but he could see no valid objection to 
 this proposal of the Captain's; and moreover, he felt 
 himself in his ignorance so completely in that plausible 
 gentleman's power, that he did as he was told, with a 
 sigh. 
 
 "Now," said the Captain, with a glance of amiable 
 compassion, " I will proceed to teach this young idea how 
 to shoot. We have an invaluable packet here of con- 
 cessions and permissions. The great object is to induce 
 the confiding country investor to think that his or her 
 future happiness and prosperity depend upon their obtain- 
 ing possession of them. Now if you or I were to offer 
 them for sale, their reputation for value would be ruined, 
 because the public never look into the intrinsic value of 
 the article to be purchased, but are influenced entirely 
 by the manner in which it is presented to them, and the 
 financial standing of the persons who offer it for sale : 
 a poor, honest man will utterly fail to sell them a good 
 thing in a straightforward way, while they will jump 
 greedily at a bad thing, dangled skilfully before them by 
 a rich rogue. The first thing for us, therefore, to find,
 
 118 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 is the rich rogue. He will become the syndicate manager. 
 And his business is to induce a number of gentlemen of 
 the highest standing he can find to become the directors 
 of the new Company, and an eminent contractor to en- 
 gage to carry out the works, upon the certain assurance 
 that money will be found ; and at the same time to 
 induce the public to subscribe the money upon the no 
 less certain assurance that the directors and contractor 
 have been found. This looks like a vicious circle, because 
 you can only obtain one essential condition on the dis- 
 tinct understanding that the other has been already 
 secured." 
 
 "And how do you manage to get out of it?" asked 
 Sir Twig. 
 
 "Why, we offer the scheme in the first instance, not 
 to the public, but to an influential combination of cap- 
 italists called a syndicate." 
 
 " But why should the capitalists take the shares which 
 the public will not take ? " 
 
 " Because," replied the Captain, " they will get them 
 much below their nominal price ; and by being only a 
 few holders, and all known to each other, they can put 
 up prices on the Stock Exchange, and easily rig the mar- 
 ket, and then clear out at a profit." 
 
 " Excuse my stupidity," said Sir Twig ; " but how do 
 they rig the market ? " 
 
 " That is very simple. A says to B, don't sell your 
 shares under ten per cent premium. I will buy them 
 publicly at that price through a broker, if you will 
 privately give me back my money afterwards, and take 
 back your shares. The next day B buys from A, and
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 119 
 
 so on. This keeps up the price on the official quotations 
 on the Exchange, and the outside investor comes in and 
 buys ; then the syndicate can quietly unload." 
 
 " I see," said Sir Twig, with more humour than I gave 
 him credit for ; " it seems to me that this syndicate, as 
 you call it, is itself the ' vicious circle ' of which you 
 were talking just now ; but where shall we find a syn- 
 dicate who will be sufficiently respectable to inspire con- 
 fidence, and yet be guilty of such practices ? " 
 
 " My innocent Twig, have you lived so long in this 
 world," said the Captain, with calm superiority, " and riot 
 found out yet that confidence in matters of finance is 
 not inspired because a man deserves it, but because he 
 has accumulated vast wealth by a long and successful 
 career of fraud ? Leave this to me — I will find the 
 syndicate: they will pay for the concessions; and whether 
 they are afterwards ' stuck ' with the shares, or succeed 
 in palming them off on the public, surely does not con- 
 cern us." 
 
 " And how much shall we ourselves make out of it ? " 
 asked Sir Twig, with an eye to the main chance. 
 
 "Can't say. We shall ask £250,000, and probably 
 take £50,000, which makes £25,000 each. However, 
 put yourself unreservedly into my hands, my dear Twig, 
 and you won't have any reason to complain." Saying 
 which, the Captain nodded in a reassuring manner, took 
 up his hat, and swaggered off, soliloquising thus as he 
 went along. From my advantageous position in his 
 breast-pocket I could hear him plainly. 
 
 " This little matter looks tolerably healthy. I shall 
 get £25,000 for my half of the concession. Considering
 
 120 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 I deposited no caution money, and I bled Twig pretty 
 freely in the matter of expenses, I shan't lose on that. 
 If I introduce my syndicate man to a good contractor, 
 the latter will have to pay me at least one per cent com- 
 mission on the contract price, which certainly does not 
 concern my Twig. After all, he has only paid £15,000 
 in caution money and expenses, and he will make, with- 
 out any exertion of brain, £20,000 on that, which, con- 
 sidering that he has no brains to exert, ought to satisfy 
 him." 
 
 I wondered, as we went along, where my Promoter 
 was going to, but was soon enlightened, as he turned into 
 some handsome offices, and I observed the names of 
 Chisel Bros., the well-known contractors, on the door. 
 Mr Chisel was engaged ; but my Promoter waited pati- 
 ently to see the great man, who was evidently in no 
 hurry to see him, and made him a cold, suspicious bow, 
 as he offered him a chair. " What I am about to say," 
 remarked the Captain, with the bold assurance of one 
 about to confer a favour, " must be considered absolutely 
 private and confidential. A certain friend of mine, who 
 is of the highest respectability, and moves in the first 
 social circles, — in fact I may tell you, under the pledge 
 of secrecy, that he is a baronet, — is the possessor of cer- 
 tain most valuable concessions " — here the Captain ex- 
 plained in general terms their nature, and went on, — 
 " Now I have come to tell you that some City friends of 
 mine, a most powerful combination of capitalists — men, 
 I need scarcely say, of first-class financial standing, as 
 you would yourself acknowledge if I was permitted to 
 divulge their names — are inclined to take up the scheme.
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 121 
 
 I thought that the project was one which would just suit 
 you, and that if you felt inclined to undertake the con- 
 tract, it would be useful to you to be introduced to the 
 capitalists interested. I should be glad to present you 
 to them ; but in order to be able to talk to my friends, I 
 should be happy to know what your prices are for carry- 
 ing out the proposed works." 
 
 Mr Chisel here fixed my Promoter with his eye, and 
 asked him bluntly for the names of his financial friends. 
 "With an air of profound secrecy, but with an appearance 
 of absolute bond fides, the Captain as steadily returned 
 the glance, as he replied, " I have already said I am not 
 at liberty to give you their names ; but if you keep it 
 entirely secret, I may say this, that one of the partners 
 of Cash, Bullion, & Co. is interested in the matter." I 
 literally trembled in his pocket as my Promoter uttered 
 this unblushing falsehood ; but he evidently knew his 
 man. The name of the firm, combined with the imper- 
 turbable calm of the Captain's manner, seemed to affect 
 the contractor ; and with a furtive side-glance at him, he 
 said, as he carelessly turned over the leaves of a book on 
 the table, " Do you want our prices net, or will they 
 include any commissions ? " 
 
 " They will include one per cent commission for me," 
 replied the Captain, coolly, but firmly. 
 
 Mr Chisel seemed prepared for this, and quietly dis- 
 missed his visitor with the assurance that he would soon 
 hear from him, and that he would make an estimate of 
 the prices. 
 
 My Promoter instantly hurried eastward, murmuring 
 as he went, " Chisel bites — and so he ought, for there
 
 122 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 lias not been a sounder or a better thing put on the 
 market this long time ; now the only thing is to find 
 the powerful combination of capitalists I told Chisel I 
 had found already. I suppose there is not a chance of 
 Cash, Bullion, & Co. going into it. But, confound it ! 
 when he pressed me so hard, I had to give some name, 
 and under those circumstances there is no reason why 
 one should not give the best ; but I must see them first, 
 just to save appearances if Chisel ever calls on me to 
 explain my statements." And to Cash, Bullion, & Co. 
 he accordingly went. A frigid reception and still more 
 frigid refusal was all he got there ; but he seemed rather 
 to enjoy the joke than otherwise, and, with a chuckle to 
 himself, proceeded in quest of that less scrupulous class 
 amongst whom he knew that his powerful combination 
 could alone be found. 
 
 I will not weary my reader with a narrative of all the 
 conversations to which I listened during the various visits 
 which my Promoter now paid ; and, indeed, if I have 
 been obliged to go into so much detail hitherto, it has 
 been because it is impossible to convey any just idea of 
 how these negotiations are carried on without it. First 
 he tried Squeezer, a powerful man well known in the 
 world of finance ; but though he acknowledged the excel- 
 lence of the scheme, his terms were too high, and it was 
 evident that he would be satisfied with nothing less than 
 the lion's share. This worthy had been successful in 
 bringing out about a hundred companies, at least ninety 
 of which had since become bankrupt, though he himself 
 had realised an immense fortune in giving birth to them. 
 Next he dangled me in vain before the eyes of Shaver,
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 123 
 
 who generally victimised his dupes with a joke, but who, 
 at this particular juncture, had too many irons in the 
 fire to take me up. He was unable to come to terms 
 with Ri^er, because that gentleman demanded that 
 £60,000 should be set aside out of the preliminary ex- 
 penses for " making a market," which, as the Captain has 
 already explained, consisted in dealing in the shares of 
 the future Company, the moment the prospectus had ap- 
 peared, and before the shares had been allotted, at figures 
 much above what would have been taken for them except 
 from purchasers eager to maintain a fictitious high price ; 
 which operation, the Captain knew, was ordinarily car- 
 ried out at about one -sixth of the money asked by 
 Eigger, who intended to pocket the balance. This pro- 
 cess seemed to me not only novel, but immoral ; but 
 when I saw the evidence which was taken the other day 
 before the Foreign Loans Committee, I found it was as 
 common in the floating of foreign loans, as in the bring- 
 ing out of joint-stock companies. Sharper seemed more 
 hopeful, and at one time I thought we should come to 
 terms ; but he had his own contractor ; and my Pro- 
 moter, fearing the loss of his commission, hurriedly ter- 
 minated the interview, and pushed on in search of some 
 more pliant gentleman. 
 
 I was surprised at the number of his acquaintances : 
 without describing them seriatim, I may give a general 
 outline of our mode of procedure. We always seemed 
 desirous to shun observation, and to approach the great 
 man we were in quest of as quietly as possible. The 
 very clerks seemed to entertain a certain feeling of con- 
 tempt for us, and knowing looks passed between them as
 
 124 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 my Promoter's card was taken to the sanctum of the 
 millionaire. At first I used to feel this humiliation ; but 
 as I saw my inventor was perfectly stolid, I soon ceased 
 to feel sensitive on the subject. On no one occasion 
 that I remember were we at once admitted, but gener- 
 ally kept waiting in some dingy little back room for 
 an hour or two, during which time my Promoter was 
 preparing his part. I now, to my great delight, became 
 aware, by the contrast which his manner presented to 
 the personages to whom I was submitted for inspec- 
 tion, that my promoter was a gentleman. There was 
 a delicate combination of dignity, mystery, and reserve 
 which struck me as very effective ; and I used to won- 
 der how any one could resist the low persuasive tones 
 and explicit definitions with which my great advan- 
 tages were described. I even myself really believed 
 that I should be the means of making the fortunes of all 
 who had anything to do with me ; and felt quite irri- 
 tated at the cold suspicious manner in which my merits 
 were treated, the objections which were raised to me, 
 and the evident doubt with which I was often regarded. 
 The peculiarity of all these magnates seemed to be that 
 they were very purse-proud, very grasping, very over- 
 bearing, and generally more or less vulgar ; the richer 
 they were and the more convinced they became that I 
 really was of some intrinsic value, the more unreasonable 
 they seemed to get, and I quite sympathised with my 
 poor Promoter's repeated disappointments. By degrees 
 he dropped from the eminent financier to the eminent 
 stockbroker, from the eminent stockbroker to the doubtful 
 financier, and from the doubtful financier to the German
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 125 
 
 Jew ; and it was amongst this latter fraternity that at 
 last he found a man willing to take me up. His name 
 was Mire. He was a person of great activity, great per- 
 severance, parsimonious habits, grasping in his transac- 
 tions, and one who, although possessed of a great affec- 
 tion for all the members of his family scattered about in 
 various countries, was not averse to cheating them when 
 he could realise a respectable margin thereby. He took 
 me up coolly at first, but grew warmer and warmer over 
 me as he spent some time in considering my merits. 
 Finally, he told the Captain that he would give him an 
 answer on the following day ; as he wanted to consult 
 his solicitors, the eminent firm of Twister, Wriggle, Sly, 
 & Wriggle. 
 
 The Captain occupied the interval by seeing Chisel's 
 manager, explaining to him that Mire had taken up the 
 affair, and that circumstances had arisen in consequence 
 which made it advisable that Cash, Bullion, & Co. should 
 not be mixed up in it; and he received from the manager 
 the prices which had been promised, and a great deal of 
 technical information, primed with which he kept his ap- 
 pointment with Mire. That gentleman began by making 
 difficulties, said that the public were not ripe for enter- 
 prises of the sort, that the capital wanted was very large, 
 the state of the market very bad (the Captain happened to 
 know that the market had never been more buoyant), and 
 that it would be difficult to find a good contractor willing 
 to take it up. At this point the Captain interrupted with 
 great effect, and poured out his recently acquired know- 
 ledge with a volubility which somewhat disconcerted Mire, 
 to whom he explained that for certain technical reasons
 
 126 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 connected with the nature of the works, there was in fact 
 only one contractor in England who was really competent 
 to carry out so magnificent and gigantic an enterprise, but 
 that he fortunately was prepared to undertake it prac- 
 tically without making his legitimate profit, as it was 
 indispensable to him to crush a rival firm, who were 
 seriously threatening his pre-eminence in that particular 
 line. Mire gave a deliberate wink, as if he distrusted 
 this latter piece of intelligence ; but his intense desire to 
 get a good bargain overruled his better judgment, and 
 he relented. After a prolonged negotiation, in which 
 some very pretty fencing took place, showing great wari- 
 ness, 'coolness, steadiness of purpose, and self-control on 
 both sides, Mire agreed to take up the matter and to 
 form a syndicate, on condition that he should be syn- 
 dicate manager. The following terms were agreed upon : 
 The contract was given to Messrs Chisel Bros. Mire 
 here asked, " What is the price net ? " The Captain 
 replied, £1,500,000. "I understand you," said Mr 
 Mire, " to say this is absolutely net ? " 
 
 " Absolutely," said the Captain, with a calmness which 
 caused me a painful feeling of distress, well knowing as 
 I did that it included one per cent commission to him- 
 self. After a long and searching look into the Captain's 
 inscrutable physiognomy, Mr Mire seemed evidently sat- 
 isfied, and said, with a knowing look, " My dear sir, have 
 you mentioned this price to anybody but me ? " 
 
 " I have not," rejoined the Captain. 
 
 " Then," said Mire, " let us tell the contractors they 
 must ask for £1,515,000. I must have something for 
 my trouble."
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 127 
 
 " I presume," blandly remarked the Captain, "one-third 
 of this will go to me." 
 
 Mire seemed to undergo a convulsion ; he sprang from 
 his chair and violently paced the room. " I thought, 
 sir," at last he remarked, planting himself firmly before 
 the Captain, " that you acted on behalf of the concession- 
 aire, and you will have to look to that gentleman for your 
 remuneration." 
 
 " Very well," drily replied the Captain. " As nobody 
 knows what the contractor's net price really is, if you 
 make any difficulty about my standing in, I shall take 
 care that the contractor will refuse to ask for a higher 
 price than the one he actually receives. Indeed, al- 
 though I am aware that this practice is not uncommon 
 with other contractors, it will be difficult in this case, 
 anyhow, to induce so respectable a firm to consent 
 to it." 
 
 Finally, it was arranged as a first condition that the 
 Captain would agree to overcome the contractor's scruples 
 on this point for a percentage of one-sixth of the com- 
 mission to be given by the contractor to Mr Mire. Second, 
 that Mr Mire should be syndicate manager, which post, 
 as it afterwards turned out, involved a variety of com- 
 missions. Third, that the concessions of Sir Twig Rob- 
 inson should be bought for £50,000. On this point 
 there was also considerable haggling, the Captain having 
 begun by asking £150,000 for the concessions. "The 
 little business " being so far settled, Mr Mire produced a 
 box of cigars and a bottle of capital sherry ; and fifteen 
 minutes later the Captain left the office in high spirits, 
 with the promise of an interview with Mr Mire on the
 
 128 THE AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 following day at his solicitor's. From all of which you 
 will perceive, my investing readers, how much trouble 
 it takes to prepare the gaudy fly by which you are ulti- 
 mately to be hooked. Nobody knows what running 
 about, and worry, and meetings, and appointments, and 
 disappointments, and wrangling, are involved in the 
 promotion of a company — what patience it requires, 
 what constant watchfulness, lest by one false move the 
 labours of months are neutralised, and the profits swept 
 away by a stroke of sharp practice on the part of a 
 friend and a brother. My Promoter's anxiety of mind 
 during this trying period involved a perpetual recourse 
 to stimulants, and he almost lived in Hansom cabs. 
 
 His next interview with Mire was in the office of the 
 eminent solicitors already alluded to. There he met 
 a small closely-shaved gentleman, with sharp pinched 
 features and an oily manner — Mr Wriggle, to wit ; and 
 there also were present several of Mr Mire's powerful 
 financial friends, whose names are of no importance. 
 For many successive days did this little group meet in 
 close conclave, their principal duty being to write to, and 
 produce their correspondence with, their financial friends 
 abroad, whom they had urged to join them in the enter- 
 prise, and become members of the syndicate, and who 
 wished to be informed in regard to sundry details. At 
 one of these meetings the contractor and his solicitor 
 appeared on the scene. The contractor insisted that the 
 whole of the capital of the intended Company should be 
 " taken firm " by the syndicate before the prospectus was 
 issued ; which, I find out, means, that the various finan- 
 cial gentlemen who form the syndicate are required to
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 129 
 
 sign a letter, which is called a syndicate letter. The 
 skeleton of this letter ran as follows : — 
 
 The X. Y. Z. Co. (Limited). 
 
 (Of course my real name was given here.) 
 
 To be incorporated under the Companies Acts 1862 and 
 
 1867. 
 
 Capital £ , in one hundred thousand shares of 
 
 £ — each. 
 
 To the Manager of the Syndicate. 
 
 Sir, — We authorise you to place our name on the 
 syndicate for raising the cash capital of this Company 
 for a subscription of £ — . We understand that Sir 
 Twig Eobinson, Bart., is prepared to sell several valuable 
 concessions from foreign Governments and municipalities 
 
 for the sum of £ , and that Messrs Chisel Bros, are 
 
 prepared to enter into a contract for the construction of 
 
 .... at a total contract price of £ in cash, and 
 
 £ in fully paid-up shares of the Company. We 
 
 guarantee to the extent of our subscription the raising of 
 
 the whole of the above-mentioned capital of £ ; 
 
 and further, that if the whole of such capital shall not 
 within one month from the date hereof be otherwise 
 applied for, the members of the syndicate will themselves 
 subscribe for a sufficient number of shares to make good 
 the deficiency ; on the understanding that, by way of 
 remuneration for our trouble and influence in establish- 
 ing and bringing out the Company, and in raising the 
 capital, and as a consideration for our entering into the 
 
 I
 
 130 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 above-mentioned undertaking, Messrs Chisel Bros, will 
 pay to bankers to be agreed upon on behalf of the syndi- 
 cate, a sum of £ , which is equivalent to seven- 
 teen per cent of the capital of the Company, that sum to 
 be appropriated as follows : Two per cent on the capital 
 
 or the sum of £ to be paid to the syndicate 
 
 manager for syndicate management and expenses, and 
 the remaining fifteen per cent or £ to be divis- 
 ible pro rata among the members of the syndicate. — We 
 are, Sir, your obedient servants. 
 
 This somewhat complicated document was printed and 
 shown to the eminent financiers assembled, in a guarded 
 manner, as productions of this sort are of too delicate a 
 character to leave the hands of the initiated few who are 
 promoting the Company. Its real purport only became 
 clear to me after I had overheard the following explana- 
 tion of it by the Captain to Sir Twig, to whom he showed 
 a copy of the letter, the intelligence of the lion, baronet 
 being quite unequal to grasping its meaning on a bare 
 perusal. 
 
 " My dear fellow," said Sir Twig, after having labor- 
 iously endeavoured to master its contents, " you might 
 as well have expected me to understand an Egyptian 
 papyrus as this long-winded yarn. What does it all 
 mean ? " 
 
 " Well, Twig, it becomes plain enough when you have 
 had as much to do with promotion work as I have. We 
 want to be paid for the concession ; it is an essential 
 preliminary to this that the capital of the Company be 
 found : if you advertise the prospectus, the public may
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 131 
 
 or may not subscribe to it. To make it a certainty, we 
 find a small lot of financiers first, which, as I before ex- 
 plained, is called a Syndicate, to subscribe for the whole 
 of the shares. The shares are then offered to the public 
 for subscription. Whatever amount is applied for by 
 the public is allotted to them at par ; whatever amount 
 remains is taken up by the members of the syndicate, 
 in the proportion of their original subscription, so that 
 a man who figures in the syndicate as a subscriber for 
 one-tenth of the capital has to take one-tenth of the 
 shares which have not been subscribed for by the public. 
 In consideration for this risk he receives a syndicate 
 commission of, say, fifteen per cent on the whole of his 
 original subscription in the syndicate ; so that if he has 
 subscribed £50,000, and the public take all the shares, 
 he receives £7500 for having affixed his name to a 
 syndicate letter, and without having disbursed a farthing. 
 If the public subscribe half, he receives the same com- 
 mission, but has to take up £25,000 worth of shares, 
 and so on." 
 
 "That is clear so far," said Twig; "but I don't see 
 who is to pay them the fifteen per cent. Who do they 
 get it out of — the public ? " 
 
 " Of course out of the public in the long run, but in 
 the first instance out of the contractor. It is clear that 
 the Company cannot openly allot shares to the public at 
 par, and to the syndicate at 85. That would be illegal. 
 The situation therefore has to be turned. This is easily 
 managed by sticking the syndicate commission secretly 
 into the contract price which appears in the public pros- 
 pectus ; and the contractor equally secretly hands back
 
 132 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 this commission to the syndicate when lie receives his 
 first instalment from the Company." 
 
 After many days spent in negotiation and preliminary 
 haggling over further details too minute and complicated 
 for me to go into here, and sundry financial firms had 
 risen freely at the tempting bait offered to them, some 
 boldly dashing at it, others shyly coquetting with it, a 
 certain number were sufficiently firmly hooked to be 
 brought to the point of signing ; and a meeting was held 
 of all those intending to become members of the syndi- 
 cate with the contractor, the Promoter, Mire's solicitor, 
 who was to become the solicitor of the Company, and 
 the contractor's solicitor. 
 
 The syndicate was to consist of upwards of seventy 
 members, of whom, however, only thirteen attended, 
 acting for themselves and their friends. Mr Mire had 
 in the meantime prepared and finally settled the memor- 
 andum and articles of association of the future Company 
 — a contract for the conveyance of the various conces- 
 sions of Sir Twig Robinson to the new Company, and the 
 contract to be entered into between Messrs Chisel Bros, 
 on the one part, and Mr Mire, acting on behalf of and 
 for the future Company, on the other part, and a deed 
 of transfer of such contract from Mr Mire to the future 
 Company. 
 
 Printed copies of all these documents were profusely 
 scattered over the table. Their backs were neatly lined 
 with red tape, as though to impart an air of respecta- 
 bility to their contents. 
 
 While they were assembling, those gentlemen collected 
 in groups and talked finance until they were called to
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 133 
 
 order by a sort of admonitory cough from Mr Mire, who 
 took a chair which happened to be at the top of the 
 table, and addressed the meeting as follows : — 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, you are all aware of the nature of 
 the business which has brought us together to-day : the 
 valuable concessions of Sir Twig Iiobinson, who is repre- 
 sented by our friend Captain Hawk, are to be taken over 
 by the Company which we propose to form. Mr Wrig- 
 gle, the deeds of transfer are, I presume, in order ? " 
 
 Mr Wriggle nodded assent. "The contract with 
 Messrs Chisel Brothers," pursued Mr Mire, "has been 
 in your hands for the past week, and I should be glad of 
 any observations referring thereto which any of you, 
 gentlemen, might desire to make." 
 
 At this moment a funereal-looking individual in a suit 
 of black, gaunt and scraggy, witli high cheek-bones, and 
 a sanctimonious expression of countenance, interposed 
 and said in unctuous tones, which seemed rather more 
 appropriate to a meeting in a dissenting chapel than of 
 a syndicate Committee : — 
 
 " It appears to me that the 45 th clause of the contract 
 does not sufficiently provide for the penalty to be in- 
 curred by the contractor in case of the completion of the 
 works being delayed for more than two days beyond the 
 time specified in clause three. I observe that the con- 
 tractor is not bound to pay any forfeits, not only in the 
 case of an interference by force majeure, to which, of 
 course, nobody amongst us could object," and he threw a 
 glance reverently upwards, "but also in the case of a 
 strike amongst his workmen ; it appears to me that in a 
 Christian country like ours, it is utterly unnecessary
 
 134 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 if not injurious to public morality to secure the con- 
 tractor against a contingency which cannot arise if he 
 chooses his workmen only among converted and God- 
 fearing men." 
 
 The contractor maintained that this observation was 
 founded on a fallacy, and that his experience had proved 
 to him that workmen were pretty much alike when it 
 came to the question of a rise in their wages, no matter 
 what their professions might be. 
 
 The contractor's solicitor here interfered, and produced 
 a number of similar contracts entered into with other 
 companies which all contained the same clause, and to 
 which no such objection had ever before been taken. 
 It was finally overruled. The gaunt gentleman observed 
 that there were a great many other points in the contract 
 to which he could not assent, and he proposed therefore 
 to take the contract clause by clause. As his name was 
 clown on the syndicate list for by far the largest amount, 
 no serious objection could be raised to this. It would 
 weary the reader, as it certainly did the syndicate, were 
 I to attempt to enumerate the objections raised by this 
 perverse and pious millionaire to almost every point con- 
 tained in the contract. He was only finally interrupted 
 by a portly and jovial-looking personage declaring he felt 
 faint, and that it was time to adjourn for lunch. At this 
 meal the contractor managed cleverly to sit next the 
 lugubrious objector, whose name was Sarmist, and a 
 whispered conversation took place between them, which 
 I managed to overhear, and which resulted in a secret 
 offer from the contractor of a commission of two per cent 
 on the contract price if the scruples of that high-minded
 
 A JOIXT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 135 
 
 man could be overcome on all the points raised by him, 
 and the contract could be admitted as it stood now. Mr 
 Sarmist rejoined that two per cent was not enough, and 
 that he could not possibly waive his scruples for less 
 than three. I now understood the motive which had 
 prompted his obstructive conduct throughout. The con- 
 tractor refused absolutely to accede to this, feeling sure 
 that the other was only " trying it on," and would ulti- 
 mately take two. 
 
 The sherry at luncheon seemed to have a salutary 
 effect upon the transaction of the business, for Mr Sarmist 
 retained an attitude of dogged silence during the subse- 
 quent proceedings, while the jovial gentleman was smooth- 
 ing away difficulties and winning over waverers whose 
 natural dispositions were not so sanguine as his own, 
 until, as the day closed in, the meeting was adjourned, 
 and everybody seemed to feel a certain amount of relief 
 in the reflection that matters had been nearly brought to 
 a head, and that one more sitting would at last give me 
 definite existence, crown the hopes of my Promoter, and 
 line the pockets in various proportions of the gentlemen 
 who so kindly and disinterestedly invented for the public 
 its latest want, and now modestly undertook the means 
 of supplying it. 
 
 It was proposed to meet again on the following day. 
 Mr Sarmist, however, with an expression of profound 
 regret, announced that a meeting at Exeter Hall de- 
 manded his presence, and begged those present, in sol- 
 emn tones, to adjourn reassembling for two days. This 
 was agreed to. With a light and buoyant step my 
 Promoter wended his way homewards. He calculated
 
 136 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 as he did so what this, his last venture, was likely to 
 prove worth to him. The schedule which he worked 
 out in his mind, if put on paper, would read thus : — 
 
 Price of concession, £50,000 
 
 Old Twig out of pocket, .... 15,000 
 
 Leaves to be divided, .... £35,000 
 
 Half of that for me, £17,500 
 
 One per cent on contract price, . . . 15,000 
 
 One sixth of old Jew's commission, . . 2,500 
 
 Total, . . £35,000 
 
 As this figure presented itself to his imagination, a 
 radiant smile overspread his countenance, and I felt his 
 heart beat faster with the throb of pleasant anticipation. 
 For a moment, but only for a moment, this feeling was 
 checked by the sad recollection of the numerous former 
 occasions on which a cup equally overflowing had been 
 rudely dashed from his lips ; but he regained confidence 
 as he recalled the instant when his sharp eye detected 
 the contractor in secret conversation with Mr Sarmist, 
 and the change which it effected in that pious gentle- 
 man's subsequent demeanour. 
 
 I must here remind my reader that having been 
 printed in so many forms, I now filled the pockets of 
 all the syndicate members, and that it was owing to this 
 circumstance that I overheard the following conversation 
 in Mr Mire's office. 
 
 That gentleman was engaged in fixing his valuable 
 signature to sundry invoices for a large cargo of tallow, 
 when Mr Sarmist's name was announced by a seedy-look-
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 137 
 
 ing junior clerk with a hooked nose. Mr Mire quietly 
 turned on their faces all the letters which happened to 
 be lying open before him on his desk, and signified his 
 willingness to receive his visitor. 
 
 " I have come to speak to you, Mr Mire," said that 
 gentleman, with whom it had been my misfortune to be 
 present at the meeting which we had just quitted at 
 Exeter Hall, " about the contracts to be entered into for 
 the X. Y. Z. Co. I have received distressing informa- 
 tion this morning that several of my Continental friends 
 have changed their minds about joining the syndicate, 
 as they first intended. This would entail (if the Com- 
 pany for which we are working is to succeed) the con- 
 tractor's taking a certain amount of his price in fully 
 paid-up shares. From confidential inquiries which I have 
 had made, it appears that Chisel Brothers, though excel- 
 lent contractors, have already rather more paper than they 
 like, and that they would hardly be in a position to take 
 anything but a cash contract. I have called, therefore, 
 on Messrs Scoop & Co., Limited, who are willing to exe- 
 cute the works for £1,350,000 in cash, and £250,000 
 in shares." 
 
 "This is about £100,000 more," Mr Mire replied, 
 " than Messrs Chisel Brothers have asked ; and as to 
 their taking part of the contract price in shares, I have 
 no doubt whatever that they could make as favourable 
 terms as Scoop & Co. ; besides, Mr Sarmist," he added, 
 with a grave countenance, "it would be hardly fair and 
 business-like — and certainly injurious to my reputation 
 for straightforward dealing — to throw over at the last 
 moment a contractor with whom we have none so far."
 
 138 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 After a good deal of skirmishing, Mr Sarmist, who 
 seemed to have good reason for preferring Messrs Scoop 
 & Co., limited, drew his chair close up to Mr Mire's, and 
 having assured himself that the door was locked, said 
 to him — 
 
 " I may tell you, my dear sir, that in point of fact 
 their price is rather lower than Chisels', being only 
 £1,250,000 in cash, and a quarter of a million in shares 
 — £100,000 being available for distribution amongst 
 their friends." 
 
 " In cash, or in shares ? " asked Mr Mire. 
 
 " In cash," replied Mr Sarmist, watching the effect that 
 this announcement would produce upon his antagonist. 
 
 " Well," said Mr Mire, " this looks like business : how 
 much of that would go to me ? " 
 
 " Half," responded the other. 
 
 " Done," said Mire, unhesitatingly. 
 
 My heart sank when I thought of my poor Promoter's 
 schedule, and heard this nefarious bargain struck. The 
 two worthies then eno-a^ed in minute calculations as to 
 the distribution of the funds. It was found absolute- 
 ly necessary to reduce the price of the concession to 
 £25,000. This gave me another pang on the unlucky 
 Captain's behalf ; and for the first time I became aware 
 that the concessionaires were practically powerless, and 
 that those who had most capital at their backs really 
 divided the spoil, and dictated their terms to everybody 
 else. After a long and close confabulation, a schedule 
 was drawn up and agreed to between Messrs Mire and 
 Sarmist. 
 
 This version of the schedule was, as a matter of
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 139 
 
 course, kept perfectly secret between the two gentle- 
 men, who, with a smile of mutual respect, congratulated 
 each other upon " standing in on the ground-floor," as 
 they significantly expressed it. A second schedule was 
 then prepared for the benefit of the syndicate and conces- 
 sionaires, to be submitted to them at the meeting on the 
 following day. This body was only to be allowed to 
 stand in on the next floor, and of course knew nothing 
 of what took place on the ground-floor. And lastly, a 
 third schedule was prepared to form the basis of the 
 prospectus which was to be offered to the bond fide in- 
 vestors among a confiding public, who naturally were 
 not to be allowed to stand in on any floor. 
 
 I give the three schedules side by side for the better 
 edification of this last class of my readers, who will 
 appreciate their position on the tiles. 
 
 The X. Y. Z. Company, Limited. Capital, £2,000,000. 
 
 Schedule for Mire and Sarmist 
 
 (ground-floor). 
 
 Contract price shares, £250,000 
 cash, 1,250,000 
 
 £1,500,000 
 
 Wanted in cash — 
 177„ on £2,000,000 
 Less 250,000 shares. 
 
 £1,750,000 
 Contract, . 
 XXX, . 
 
 Working Capital, 
 Concession, 
 Making market, 
 Law, 
 
 Brokerage, 
 Press, 
 
 Advertising, . 
 Contingencies, 
 
 Shares, 
 Capital, 
 
 £297,500 
 
 1,250,000 
 
 100,000 
 
 45,000 
 
 25,000 
 
 20,000 
 
 2,000 
 
 3,000 
 
 2,000 
 
 5,000 
 
 500 
 
 1,750,000 
 250,000 
 
 £2,000,000 
 
 Schedule for Syndicate 
 (first floor). 
 
 Contract price shs., £200,000 
 „ cash, 1,350,000 
 
 17Y„ on £1,750,000, 297.50J 
 Prel. Ex.— 
 
 Making mar- 
 ket, . £20,000 
 
 Law,. . 2,000 
 
 Brokerage, 3,000 
 
 Press, . 2,0j0 
 
 Advertising, 5,000 
 
 Contingencies, 500 
 
 £32,500 32,500 
 
 Concession, 
 Working Capital, 
 
 25,000 
 45,000 
 
 £2,000,000 
 
 Schedule to be used 
 
 for public prospectus 
 
 (on the tiles). 
 
 Concession, £25,000 
 Working 
 
 Capital . 45,000 
 Contract, 1,930,000 
 
 £2,000,000
 
 140 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Fair female investor, youthful scion of nobility, con- 
 fiding officer on half-pay, gentle curate, dull squire, do 
 not turn from an examination of this dreadful-looking 
 array of figures because it is dry and complicated, but 
 try and understand the explanation I am now going to 
 give of it. You will see from the first column how a 
 company is started with a capital of £2,000,000 to get 
 works done which only cost £1,500,000, to acquire con- 
 cessions which cost £25,000, and to retain a working 
 capital of £45,000. The difference of £430,000 is spent 
 as follows: £100,000 are absorbed by what Mr Sarmist 
 delicately styles X X X, in order not to do violence to 
 his own religious sentiments, but by what is called, 
 according to the individual tastes of financing men, 
 " loot," " plunder," " faux frais " (an expression used by 
 the more travelled and cosmopolitan financiers), " pull," 
 " swim," and " margin." In the particular instance you 
 are investigating, the Jew and the Christian each stole 
 half of this amount, which rightfully belonged to my 
 shareholders. 
 
 From this example you will perceive that the highest 
 aim of every financier engaged in work of this description 
 is "to stand in on the ground-floor." £297,500 were 
 spent in a syndicate commission, the nature of which 
 my Promoter has already carefully explained to Sir 
 Twig; £20,000 were spent in "making a market" — a 
 swindling process also I hope made clear to you. Law- 
 yers, brokers, advertising agents, and a small contingency 
 fund, absorbed legitimately enough £2000, £3000, 
 £5000, and £500 respectively : and £2000 were dis- 
 tributed among the gentlemen of the independent press,
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 141 
 
 in order to impress them favourably with my undoubted 
 merits. The greater part of this sum, however, was 
 refused by all the more respectable members of journal- 
 ism, and Mire and Sarmist of course pocketed what 
 remained. The second schedule only differs in so far 
 from the first that the contract appears to be £100,000 
 higher, as this amount, which has already been secretly 
 appropriated by the two gentlemen living on the ground- 
 floor, could not be disclosed to the lodgers on the floor 
 above. The third schedule differs very widely from the 
 two former, as it only contains what can in common 
 decency be mentioned to the public. The contractor 
 here appears as taking for his contract, and for pre- 
 liminary expenses, a sum which exceeds his real price 
 by exactly £430,000 ; and many a time, when his 
 friends congratulated him upon his gigantic enterprises 
 and advantageous contracts, he mournfully thought to 
 himself how little of the first instalment of his nominal 
 price ever found its way into his banker's account. 
 However, he had no reason to complain, because when 
 my works came to be made I found to my surprise that 
 they really did not quite cost a million. So that, for 
 doing work which, in fact, scarcely cost a million, and 
 for holding his tongue about what happened to the other 
 half million, he was paid a million and a half. 
 
 Hence my total capital came to be two millions. 
 
 On the following day, the powerful influence of Mire 
 and Sarmist carried their scheme. The syndicate did 
 not raise much objection to the change of contractor, as 
 they got their seventeen per cent. The poor Captain, 
 who neither got his one per cent from Chisel Brothers
 
 142 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 nor his part of Mire's commission from the same firm — 
 they having been dropped at the eleventh hour — and 
 who only got at last £25,000 instead of £50,000 for 
 the concessions, saw his bright dream of £35,000 vanish, 
 and found himself a winner of only £5000 on the whole 
 transaction. Sir Twig, of course, received the same, but 
 immediately lost it at the next Derby. Chisel never 
 forgave himself for having gauged his man so badly, and 
 not having been more wary in his dealings with one so 
 profuse in Christian profession as Mr Sarmist ; and his 
 former antagonism to Scoop and Co., Limited, has derived 
 a bitterness all the more intense because he so nearly 
 carried off the prize himself. 
 
 This practically terminated my existence as an embryo. 
 I shortly after saw the light of day, and received my 
 formal name at the hands of the Eegistrar of Joint- 
 Stock Companies. 
 
 One more step, however, had to be taken on my behalf 
 before I could be introduced in a complete shape to the 
 investing British public. My Board had not yet been 
 constituted, and my success now mainly depended upon 
 the air of respectability which might be imparted to me 
 by the names of the gentlemen who could be induced to 
 sit on it. Messrs Mire and Sarmist were, of course, 
 among the number ; but unfortunately their names in- 
 spired no confidence in the City, and were utterly un- 
 known anywhere else. It became necessary to find 
 persons who possessed the two rare and valued attributes 
 of a director — a high social standing, and an entire 
 ignorance of business : this latter somewhat negative 
 quality being thought indispensable by Mire and Sar-
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 143 
 
 mist, to enable them to exchange their functions as 
 members and managers of the syndicate, for the equally 
 dignified and not less lucrative position of wire-pullers — 
 in other words, they wished to retain in their own hands 
 the control of the Company's fortunes for the purpose of 
 manipulating its operations with a view to their own 
 private aggrandisement. 
 
 The process of forming a Board has been so recently 
 revealed in the columns of the daily press, that it is not 
 necessary for me to go into any detail in regard to it. I 
 was no exception to the general rule. A noble lord, an 
 ex-Minister of a foreign State, a Eight Honourable, a 
 General K.C.B., and four Members of Parliament, were 
 secured mainly by the exertions of a well-connected 
 young man of fashion, who received the usual commis- 
 sion ; and duly qualified themselves by accepting a 
 present of the necessary number of fully paid-up shares, 
 in return for the dazzling effect which it was confidently 
 and not unreasonably anticipated their names would pro- 
 duce upon the country public. It is due to these gentle- 
 men to say that they were so firmly convinced of their 
 own value, that it did not occur to them that there was 
 anything wrong in selling themselves in this way ; and 
 I have always felt that any reflection upon their honesty 
 was most unfair. It is natural that a duped public 
 should be indignant with every one connected with the 
 cause of their disasters, but let me assure you that 
 nearly all these gentlemen sinned purely through ignor- 
 ance and indiscretion. I found them invariably strug- 
 gling to be honest all the time they were on my Board, 
 and vainly attempting to comprehend and thwart the
 
 144 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 nefarious schemes of. Mire and Sarmist. That they did 
 not succeed, and ultimately drew upon themselves the 
 anathemas of an exasperated public, was the result of 
 being tempted by a plausible touter, with the prospect of 
 increasing their limited incomes, into engaging in matters 
 of which they had no experience, and of a certain 
 fascination which the idea of directorial responsibility 
 and dignity exercises upon certain weak minds. 
 
 A prospectus setting forth my merits in the most 
 glowing terms, and promising a return of unheard-of 
 dividends, was now printed in all the papers, and freely 
 circulated through the means of an advertising agency, 
 which had a list of all the names of unhappy share- 
 holders in other companies. So well was my prospectus 
 drawn, so overwhelming was the brilliancy of my Board, 
 that my shares were greedily subscribed for; and I found 
 myself established in handsome offices, with a board- 
 room which became a favourite lounge with sundry of 
 my directors, and a manager, secretary, and an array of 
 clerks and officials which made me the envy of my neigh- 
 bours. I need scarcely say that my manager was the 
 nominee of Mire and Sarmist. This gentleman possessed 
 an invaluable physique ; his flowing grey locks, and 
 general air of matured sagacity and intense respectability, 
 which he heightened by wearing a white tie, produced 
 an invariably reassuring effect upon shareholders. But 
 he lived in a perpetual thraldom, for he was bound with 
 chains which had been dexterously thrown round him 
 by the two cunning intriguers to whom he owed his 
 position, and who, while they never allowed him to 
 forget the debt of gratitude he was under, had taken care
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 145 
 
 to place him still more absolutely in their power by the 
 loan of one thousand pounds, which his extravagant 
 habits made it impossible for him to think of repaying. 
 
 We were now in a position to usher in our prosperous 
 career by a magnificent banquet. This was by no means 
 an original idea. Messrs Mire and Sarmist had already 
 upon previous occasions proved by experience the splen- 
 did effect which a display of this kind has upon the 
 public, and no pains were spared to secure the presence 
 of a distinguished company ; the services of the young 
 gentleman who had helped to provide the directors were 
 again in request, and the result was a plentiful sprinkling 
 of noble lords, scientific men, distinguished litterateurs 
 and gentlemen of the press, city capitalists, and Members 
 of Parliament. There was the usual amount of speech- 
 making, consisting mainly of mutual compliments which 
 were paid by the scientific gentlemen to the capitalists 
 on their wonderful enterprise, and by the capitalists to 
 the scientific men on their no less remarkable attain- 
 ments ; the General K.C.B. returned thanks in a facetious 
 speech for the army, which thus found itself unexpectedly 
 allied to commerce and science ; the peers whose pres- 
 ence " graced the auspicious occasion " felt themselves 
 " honoured by being allowed to take part in an under- 
 taking which reflected so much credit upon the spirit 
 and enterprise of Englishmen ; " and the Member of the 
 House of Commons who responded for that body, com- 
 mitted it recklessly in all future time to watch over and 
 protect my interests ; the literary men pretended that 
 they regarded with envy the more distinguished career 
 on which their fellow-countrymen had entered ; and the 
 
 K
 
 146 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 gentleman who replied to the toast in behalf of the fifth 
 estate, was profuse in his eulogium of Messrs Mire and 
 Sarmist, and in his predictions of the future success of 
 the company,— all which proceedings were duly chronicled 
 in the papers of the following morning, as my readers 
 may verify by an examination of the press of the period. 
 
 The sober, and as it would appear to the world the 
 legitimate work of the undertaking of which I was the 
 embodiment, now commenced. The works were executed 
 one by one, as the shareholders were informed at the 
 first public meeting, in the most brilliant and satisfactory 
 manner ; but frequent discussions between the contractor 
 and my Board convinced me that the former was en- 
 deavouring to do as little as possible for the price, and 
 was attempting to put on "extras" whenever opportunity 
 offered. A period of about a year and a half was thus 
 spent, at the expiration of which time my works were 
 completed, and I entered upon my functions as a public 
 benefactor. My operations were a decided success, in 
 spite of the high remuneration set aside for the directors' 
 services, and of the appointment of a numerous staff of 
 ignorant connections and nominees of the directors, irrev- 
 erently termed by the really efficient employes "Directors' 
 puppies." My intrinsic merits were so great that large 
 receipts were taken, and there was every prospect of a 
 high dividend being paid at an early date. 1 
 
 I was surprised to find that my anxious shareholders 
 were by no means well informed by my Board as to my 
 excellent prospects, but that profound secrecy was main- 
 tained in regard to my actual position. From the fre- 
 quent conversations which I overheard between my
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 147 
 
 manager and sundry gentlemen who rushed in and out 
 of his office gaily dressed, and with a noisy and impudent 
 air — whom I, by degrees, discovered to be brokers — I 
 became aware, to my intense regret, that my shares were 
 being freely knocked up and clown in the market ; and 
 after having listened to frequent extraordinary conversa- 
 tions carried on in the slang peculiar to all engaged in 
 Stock Exchange transactions, I finally realised that Mire 
 and Sarmist were alternately becoming what they styled 
 " bulls " or " bears " of my shares. They carried out 
 their operations by spreading rumours sometimes detri- 
 mental, sometimes favourable to my interests. They 
 never failed to take advantage of the turn of the market 
 which had thus been influenced by them. Their best 
 cowp was made immediately prior to the declaration of 
 my first dividend. My earnings had been so large that 
 a high dividend should have been paid. Mire and Sar- 
 mist, however, obstinately insisted upon the absolute 
 necessity of laying by a large reserve fund ; and so 
 strongly objected to what they termed " stuffing share- 
 holders with dividends," that for some time it really 
 appeared that only a low dividend would be declared. 
 This prospect, of course, soon finding its way into the 
 Stock Exchange, depressed my shares considerably. Mire 
 and Sarmist thereupon bought largely, and relented at the 
 next Board meeting in their objections to a high divi- 
 dend, which was eventually declared. My shares flew 
 up with a bound, and the clever pair cleared out with a 
 large profit. 
 
 Up to this time my career had, although not free from 
 the influence of all the refined forms of swindling which
 
 48 
 
 iiii', \uToi'.io<:i;Arii\ ok 
 
 our advanced civilisation makes possible, and almost en- 
 
 ago 'i. boon one of unbrokon prosperity. Indeed my 
 
 sucooss was bo palpable thai rumours soon roaohed me oi 
 n competing oompany being promoted. Mv old friend 
 the Captain oasily overcame the scruples of Mossrs Scoop 
 .v < 'o , who a1 first though! il unfair to assist in starting 
 an opposition company to tho one out of which thej had 
 made M<> much pro HI ; and after the usual sharp practice, 
 and tho many vicissitudes of promotion had been sue 
 ,( hilly encountered, my competitor was at last fairly 
 si artod 
 
 Tho state of torror which was now created amongst 
 my Board was pitiahlo to beliold j while Mire and Sar 
 mist oxporionood the most intense indignation at anj 
 body's daring to invado whal they considered their private 
 Hold of enterprise Those two worthies, however, even 
 tually consoled themselves when thej found :i congenial 
 friend on the Board of the rival company in the person 
 of Hir Verrikuto Trimmer, who made oommon oause with 
 them, furnished them with all possible information re 
 garding my young enemy in return for being well sup- 
 plied with the latest new:; about my own health and 
 circumstances i and they all threo operated cleverly in 
 harmony, bo as effectually to plunder the shareholders In 
 lioili companies When my competitors works were 
 completed :i brisk competition onsued My rivals Board 
 addrossed themselves to the public in the oapaoity of 
 general bouofactors the same work which had been per 
 Ibrmed by me :h ;i remunerative rate to my shareholders 
 
 w.i lii be done by mj now horn ii\;il nun li moiv < lio;i|>l\ 
 
 Tho elfocl of this was n groat loss to i»oiii of us, and a
 
 \ JOIN i" STOCK COMF w\ (LIM1 PKD) I I 9 
 
 consequent i. ill in our shares This wont on for Bonus 
 time; everybody connected wuli oitlier of us, whether 
 shareholder <m- director, foil profoundly miserable l \ «n 
 
 llli' \('l\ lll.lll.l"('l l| VVllO, .\- I'll |i>\ III'' 1 1 \ i • 1 1 ■ . I 1 . 1 l 1 1 • . i.lli'il 
 little Pol' tllG .lllinlllll nl llli' ill\ lilcllil:. CIIIU'il. In'". Ill (u 
 
 Virld In llu' "iMirr.il livlni" of tfloOUl . «'iil\ llir nvrnlh 
 i "ii .1 ll utrtl I niim v u :ilc ol Mi 1*0 aild Hai'lllis! Oil "in nOUm, 
 
 it 1 1« I Sir \ i-tii k ii 1 1- mi ili.' other, chuckled tuid rubbed 
 thoir hands in .in unostentatious and modest sort ol vvu^ 
 us thoy iturood upon one move after the other, whi< Ii had 
 
 tin- clli 'i I ol Still further ilrpi i' . in" our P0V011U08, "nil 
 
 proportionately drove down out shares All this timu 
 the three conspirators vvers heav^ " beai ■ ." tiud made 
 large iiinounl 
 
 1 1 w.i. during this period thai I for I he llrsl t iiue 
 understood vvhal ii ineanl to l"' n boai The prooo ol 
 operation i . .i . follows Sii \ orrikuto, fop instance, opei'nl 
 iii" for join! aoeouul as u bear, calls into his sanctum in 
 in < 'ii v abode, one line tnoruinjx, one of his juuiov olorl< 
 
 \li Jones, ii \ ■ tin" chief, " will you send for one ol 
 the partners ol Odutanuo, llaokwardatiou, iX Maruiu, and 
 bell them to sell £ 1 00,000 of X i '■'. for you " Mr 
 Jones, who is .i pos> ehoeked, iiuileless youth, wiih n 
 (lower in Iii" button 1 1 < > 1 * • . drops hi i uol over intelligent 
 oouuteuaueu vory oousidorably indeed, " Hog youi pardon, 
 ii, Boll whal Send for the broker," sn \ h Sir Verri 
 
 kute, ",iuiil\ , ' l want you to sell u bear," The brokei 
 mi i\ os, and Ml Jones tells him having been ordered 
 
 ii. do so i>\ In:' chief to sell foi him, ■' is, C i 00,000 
 
 worth of \ , * ■' iharos, wondering all the time hov on 
 earth In' could Bell sui It • * fortune m ic ' ics "I win. h
 
 150 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 lie never owned a single pound's worth in his life. Nor 
 had his principal the shares either in his possession. The 
 intelligent transaction simply consisted in this: Sir Verri- 
 kute sold through an impecunious clerk, who acted as 
 nominee, £100,000 of X. Y. Z. shares which he did not 
 possess. The purchaser paid £100,000 for them. The 
 shares would, in the ordinary routine of business, have 
 to be delivered about a fortnight hence or later ; and Sir 
 Verrikute knew well that by that time he might buy 
 them for £90,000, as he was running them down in con- 
 junction with Mire and Sarmist by proceedings injurious 
 to both companies, but justified by them on the ground 
 of exigencies of competition, public convenience, and so 
 on. So, at the last moment, he bought himself for de- 
 livery at £90,000 what he had sold fourteen days pre- 
 viously for £100,000, thus getting the advantage of the 
 unwary purchaser, who was, of course, not "in the swim," 
 to the tune of £10,000. 
 
 At last the ruinous effects of competition began to tell 
 so severely upon both companies that the directors re- 
 solved to open negotiations for an amalgamation. This, 
 again, was done in the most secret way; and while terms 
 were being negotiated which could not but raise the price 
 of my shares enormously whenever they should become 
 known, Mire, Sarmist, and Sir Verrikute were buying 
 shares, to the full extent of their available cash balances, 
 at a low figure ; and, as it afterwards turned out, again 
 realised largely when the amalgamation was consum- 
 mated and the shares rose in consequence. 
 
 It must not, however, be imagined that all the pro- 
 ceeds of their enterprising speculations went into their
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 151 
 
 own pockets. It was necessary to " square " other direc- 
 tors, " to put them in for a call " of shares ; in short, 
 the weak and respectable fractions of both Boards had 
 to be persuaded that they ought to agree to certain 
 measures — hold their tongues, and participate in the 
 illicit plunder, as it was "a sort of thing which every 
 business man did." 
 
 My chairman, who was elected to that office chiefly 
 through Sarmist's efforts, because he was a noble lord, 
 and because he had the qualification, still more important 
 in Sarmist's eyes, of the most charming and absolute 
 ignorance of business, was, shortly before the completion 
 of the amalgamation, confidentially taken into a corner 
 by Sarmist. 
 
 " It will be necessary, my lord," Mr Sarmist said, 
 " that our company should increase its capital and create 
 new shares. The new shares will be given in exchange 
 for the shares of the opposition company. This it will 
 be easy enough to carry at a general meeting of share- 
 holders. Our capital being two millions, and that of the 
 other company one, we should require to make ours three 
 millions ; but I should strongly recommend that it should 
 be made six." 
 
 " What ! " exclaimed the noble lord ; " six ? — what 
 for ? " 
 
 " Well," said Sarmist, complacently smiling, " it will 
 halve the dividend — that is, our shareholders will receive 
 £200 of share certificates for every £100 invested, and 
 their dividends will apparently look only half as big as 
 they are, and this will deter further competition." 
 
 The noble lord was not quite able to follow the ar-
 
 152 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 gument ; he rather thought there was something wrong 
 about it, but the idea of doing away with further com- 
 petition, and the business authority of Sarmist, at last 
 made him yield. 
 
 Thus my competitor was bought ; my capital was first 
 increased to a sufficient amount to represent the shares 
 of both companies, and the joint capital doubled, or, as 
 they called it on the Stock Exchange, " watered," and we 
 jogged on unitedly as one concern, and yielded half our 
 former dividend. 
 
 My shares now became very much the instrument of 
 gambling on the Exchange, and I am afraid that my 
 directors gradually began to assume a less and less 
 dignified position, as my shares passed into the hands 
 of speculators far more knowing than the majority of 
 them were. In vain Mire and Sarmist, who were no 
 doubt " up to all the dodges," attempted to keep my 
 Board as well in hand as they had them formerly ; the 
 disastrous results of their general malfeasance and of the 
 " watering " of my stock were only too perceptible. The 
 high figure at which my capital now stood made "market 
 operations " in my shares safe, and therefore attractive, 
 and the bold speculator began to divide the controlling 
 power with the wire-puller. 
 
 A violent struggle now took place between a powerful 
 combination of speculators, who bought large quantities 
 of my shares, and Mire and Sarmist, as to who should 
 control my destinies. The latter soon found that they 
 would have to appropriate a very much larger amount 
 of their own capital than they cared to- lock up towards 
 purchasing my shares, if they wished to retain their hold
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 153 
 
 upon me. In order to meet this danger, and to find 
 large sums of money belonging to other people which 
 could be used for their own purposes, they conceived the 
 brilliant idea of starting a trust company. The capital 
 of this company was fixed at three millions. It was set 
 forth in the prospectus that the trust company would 
 exchange its own certificates against the certificates of 
 various other companies at a given figure calculated upon 
 the average market price of each security. The holder 
 of one trust certificate would by this means become a 
 part -proprietor in a large shareholding concern which 
 owned a variety of securities, receiving their dividends 
 and paying to its own shareholders the average on all 
 the dividends it had taken. It was very plausibly urged 
 that even the smallest investor would by these means 
 always obtain a fair return for his outlay, no matter 
 whether some of the companies, the shares of which 
 were owned by the trust, were paying well or not. 
 Mire, Sarmist, and Sir Verrikute, naturally made them- 
 selves directors of the trust, completing their Board from 
 the ranks of the necessary fashion and ignorance. The 
 new trust was readily taken up by the public; large- 
 quantities of all the share which had been selected as 
 eligible for the trust were exchanged for the new certifi- 
 cates. Mire and Sarmist, by pointing out how very low 
 my shares stood at that moment in the market, consider- 
 ing my intrinsic merits, easily induced their colleagues 
 to sell the best of the securities which had been tendered 
 for exchange by the public, and buy with the proceeds 
 of the sale large quantities of my own shares. Before 
 long, half a million sterling was invested by the trust in
 
 154 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 me. This practically gave to the trust — or, in other 
 words, to the three directors who controlled it — once 
 more an overwhelming influence over my fortunes. This 
 was the culmination of the power of the triumvirate. 
 They again were in a position to bull and bear my shares 
 with an almost absolute certainty of success ; and when- 
 ever adverse circumstances or unforeseen difficulties upset 
 their calculations and involved loss, they immediately 
 represented themselves to have undertaken the specula- 
 tion on behalf of the trust, and " stuck " that unhappy 
 company with the transaction. Their purse-proud arro- 
 gance and insufferable insolence at this period procured 
 them great consideration in commercial circles, which 
 unfortunately even extended to fashionable society in 
 the West End. While my directors were thus triumph- 
 antly magnifying my stability and grandeur, I myself 
 was becoming painfully conscious of the seeds of incipient 
 disease; the water seemed to be pressing upon all my 
 vital functions. My works were allowed to fall into dis- 
 repair, and every consideration of prudence in manage- 
 ment was sacrificed to giving the shareholders the highest 
 possible dividend. My reserve fund was little more than 
 nominal, and it was very evident to me that additional 
 capital would soon be required to renew my already de- 
 caying system and make good my numerous deficiencies. 
 At the moment when I was regarded with envy by my 
 enemies, with pride by my friends, and was encircled 
 with a general halo of respect, I began to feel myself 
 tottering on my swollen limbs, and to have a dark pre- 
 sentiment of the final crash. 
 
 Meantime Messrs Chisel Bros, had not been nursing
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 155 
 
 their vengeance in vain. Following with a watchful eye 
 my rising fortunes, their quick experience soon detected 
 the internally rotten condition I have just described ; 
 and they suddenly appeared as contractors of a rival 
 company, which had been financed with unusual secrecy 
 and honesty. Chisel himself was averse to the fraudu- 
 lent dealings in which he had nearly become involved in 
 my case, and determined, in order the more effectually to 
 crush me and my contractors, Scoop & Co., to content 
 himself with moderate profits. The consequence was, 
 that the A. B. C. Co. started with a capital of only one 
 million, and with works almost as extensive as mine. 
 It was utterly unable, however, to contend against the 
 overwhelming forces which Mire and Sarmist brought to 
 bear against it ; they invoked the aid of their influential 
 shareholders, of the Peers and Commoners who had 
 assisted at my banquet, and, above all, of the Press. 
 Many baser members of the journalistic world wrote up 
 those gentlemen and their enterprises on every possible 
 occasion, and opened upon my rival with a chorus of 
 slander like a pack of hounds on a hot scent. Every 
 disgraceful transaction of which they had themselves 
 been guilty, Messrs Mire and Sarmist darkly insinuated 
 was practised by the Directors of the A. B. C. Co. These 
 latter gentlemen did not happen to have been obtained 
 by the same method as mine ; but were quiet business 
 men — not much known either to the world of fashion or 
 of finance — their praises had not been sounded at ban- 
 quets, nor had the public been made familiar with their 
 names in articles written in their laudation. The conse- 
 quence was that the poor A. B. C. Co. had a very rough
 
 156 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 time of it, and was generally regarded as one of the most 
 dishonest, gambling, stock-jobbing concerns in the city — 
 an impression which certain of the less reputable mem- 
 bers of my own Board found it easy to produce, by getting 
 up " rings " to bull and bear its shares, heaping discredit 
 upon it thereby, while they at the same time filled their 
 own pockets. Another favourite device was that of 
 spreading false reports about it ; and when they were 
 found to be false, they accused the A. B. C. Directors of 
 having invented them in order to " rig " the shares. I 
 knew the A. B. C. Co. intimately ; and I used to tell it 
 that I felt like a skunk who squirted its own vile odour 
 all over it, and then cried aloud to the passers-by to shun 
 it on account of its noxious effluvium. So successful 
 were these tactics, that for a year or two the poor A. B. 
 C. Co. scarcely got business enough to pay its working- 
 expenses. In the meantime, Mire and Sarmist could 
 not shut their eyes to the danger which was slowly but 
 surely threatening — not my existence alone — for which 
 after all they cared very little — but their position as 
 wire-pullers of a large joint-stock company, which had 
 enabled them to accumulate so much ill-gotten wealth. 
 They ceased, therefore, to be content with slandering the 
 A. B. C. Co., but intrigues were secretly set on foot for 
 the purpose of acquiring it. In this case, however, my 
 competitor was not so easily absorbed as on the former 
 occasion. No congenial friend was found on the Board 
 who was willing to go halves in the plunder. The nego- 
 tiations between the Boards failed. The unprincipled 
 attempts of broken-down speculators, who at the com- 
 mand of Mire and Sarmist, and with their money, bought
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 157 
 
 shares in the A. B. C. Co., and appeared at that body's 
 public meeting in the characters of distressed shareholders, 
 and insisted upon the necessity of coming to terms with 
 me — the powerful rival — were frustrated by the firm 
 attitude of the A. B. C. Board ; and even the threat of 
 the still powerful Trust Company to acquire a controlling 
 influence in the A. B. C. shares and extirpate that Com- 
 pany's Board, unless they came to terms, was of no avail 
 with my rival, and practically never carried out by the 
 Trust Company for want of funds. 
 
 A feeling of intense irritation now took possession of 
 Mire and Sarmist ; but the despondency to which, for a 
 moment, they almost succumbed, was succeeded by a re- 
 action to their old arrogance and self-confidence ; and 
 with a boldness which was characteristic of their palmy 
 days, they determined to infuse new life into me by 
 supplying me with new works. This had, indeed, be- 
 come absolutely necessary ; for the contrast between my 
 efficiency and that of the A. B. C. Co. was dawning even 
 upon the outside public. 
 
 With feverish anxiety they rushed a resolution through 
 my Board for the raising of additional capital. With 
 agitated anticipation my prospectus was placed before the 
 public, inviting that never failing source of money to 
 subscribe to my seven per cent first mortgage debenture 
 bonds. This time, alas, the appeal was made in vain. 
 Just as my prospectus appeared, a serious financial crisis 
 had shaken the confidence, not only of the money circles 
 in the city, but of the investing public at large. As a 
 last resource, my shareholders were called together, and 
 a piteous appeal was made to them by the noble lord
 
 158 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 who occupied the chair. My shareholders, however, — 
 who had been in a fool's paradise up to this time, and 
 only looked forward to receiving dividends, instead of 
 being called upon to furnish additional capital, — indig- 
 nantly demanded further explanations from the chairman, 
 which the utter want of knowledge, on the part of that 
 nobleman, of my affairs, prevented him from affording in 
 a satisfactory manner ; and eventually a stormy meeting 
 was brought to a close by the adoption of a resolution, 
 moved by a powerful speaker, that a committee be elected 
 from amongst the shareholders to inquire into the Com- 
 pany's position. 
 
 Now, for the first time, I became perfectly aware 
 myself of my utter want of vitality. The weak and 
 credulous part of my Board was even more astonished 
 than I was myself at the revelations which were the 
 result of this inquiry. On the second day of these in- 
 vestigations large defalcations were discovered, and upon 
 summoning the elderly and highly respectable manager 
 to account for them, it was found that he had not yet 
 arrived in his office. The day passed without this func- 
 tionary making his appearance — indeed, it has since been 
 ascertained that he spent the afternoon in a passage to 
 Boulogne, and is to this day a subject of interesting but 
 fruitless inquiry to the police. Sick at heart were the 
 unhappy shareholders when they understood the real 
 position of their fine property, and even Mire and Sar- 
 mist were crushed in spirit when they saw the proud 
 Temple of Gambling, which they had reared to them- 
 selves, about to crumble to dust. It was some consola- 
 tion to them doubtless to reflect upon the thousands they
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 159 
 
 had made out of me, but even of this they were soon to 
 be deprived. The Committee's report was submitted to 
 a second meeting, recommending my immediate liquida- 
 tion ; and the necessary legal steps were at once taken, 
 which landed me in that bourn from which no company 
 returns — the Court of Chancery. 
 
 Inexorable fate, which had already overtaken me 
 through the agency of Chisel Bros, and their friends, 
 who had started my triumphant rival, dealt the final 
 blow at the hand of my old friend and promoter the 
 Captain. With the cosur Ugcr which characterised that 
 gentleman, he had applied at the outset for a few of my 
 shares, which he retained through my varied fortunes ; 
 and now he appeared in a court of law in the since 
 famous suit of " Hawk v. Mire and others," claiming to 
 be reimbursed the purchase money for his shares, on the 
 ground that a certain sum was paid to Mire and Sarmist, 
 being directors, by Scoop & Co., being contractors, under 
 a contract which was not disclosed in the prospectus, 
 and which contract related to the XXX or plunder 
 money with which my readers are already familiar. This 
 revealed the whole of the fraudulent transaction I have 
 narrated. The high-minded judge who presided on the 
 occasion ruled that Mire and Sarmist should repay to the 
 shareholders the sum of £100,000; and he expressed 
 himself in unequivocal language as to the corruption 
 which had crept into a certain class of the commercial 
 community of London. 
 
 My melancholy history is now closed. If I have 
 wearied you, my patient readers, and still more patient 
 investors, my apology must be that it would have been
 
 160 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 quite impossible for you ever to have obtained the valu- 
 able information which has been disclosed in this vera- 
 cious history, excepting through the medium of an ab- 
 stract being like myself. I now bid you farewell with 
 that feeling of remorse akin to tenderness which those in 
 their last moments are generally supposed to entertain 
 towards persons whom they have irretrievably ruined in 
 purse and character. I look mournfully for the last 
 time upon the Captain as he dashes past the office in 
 which I am now lying, behind his high-stepping bays, 
 bent on the promotion of a new Company. Only yester- 
 day I overheard Sarmist say to the official liquidator in 
 greasy tones that he had been sorely chastened by Pro- 
 vidence, but that he intended to kiss the rod and profit 
 by the lesson he had received, by which I understood 
 him to mean that for the future he would take proper 
 precautions to see that XXX was so contrived that the 
 law could not lay hold of it. Mire, I am informed by 
 the remains of the Trust Company now lying under 
 liquidation in the next room, took to his bed when the 
 decision of the high-minded judge was communicated to 
 him, at the fearful prospect of having to disgorge several 
 millions of pounds, under the precedent just created by 
 the said decision. He sunk gradually and never rallied. 
 He now lies in the cemetery of a synagogue not far dis- 
 tant, and on his tombstone, engraved in choice Hebrew 
 is a correct translation of the thirty-eighth clause of the 
 Companies Act (1867), 30 & 31 Vict. cap. 131. 
 
 N.B. — The 38 th clause runs as follows: " Every pros- 
 pectus of a Company, and every notice inviting persons
 
 A JOINT-STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). 161 
 
 to subscribe for shares in any Joint-Stock Company, shall 
 specify the dates and the names of the parties to any 
 contract entered into by the Company, or the promoters, 
 directors, or trustees thereof, before the issue of such 
 prospectus or notice, whether subject to adoption by the 
 Directors, or the Company, or otherwise : and any pros- 
 pectus or notice not specifying the same shall be deemed 
 fraudulent on the part of the promoters, directors, and 
 officers of the Company knowingly issuing the same, as 
 regards any person taking shares in the Company on the 
 faith of such prospectus, unless he shall have had notice 
 of such contract."
 
 162 
 
 VI. 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 In the south-west corner of the United States territory 
 of New Mexico, and about twenty miles from the frontier 
 of Mexico, lies Deming, a village of mushroom growth, 
 which owes its importance to the fact that it is the point 
 of junction of the Southern Pacific, and Atchison, Topeka, 
 and Santa Fe railroads, and that it aspires to be a ter- 
 minal centre of a system of Mexican railways which are 
 intended to connect the United States with the sister 
 republic. Whether these hopes are destined to be re- 
 alised or not, will, however, depend upon the result of 
 the contest in which Deming is engaged with its formid- 
 able rival El Paso in Texas, the town to which I was 
 bound when, on the evening of the 21st of last Decem- 
 ber (1881), I descended from the sleeping-car in which I 
 had journeyed from San Francisco. Not many months 
 previously the change of cars at Deming had been at- 
 tended with some risk. It was not an uncommon thing 
 for a gang of " rustlers " — as the lawless desperadoes 
 who abound in Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas are
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 163 
 
 called — to surround the passengers on the platform, order 
 them to throw up their hands so as to prevent their 
 having recourse to their revolvers, and empty their 
 pockets. As, however, the railways have brought law- 
 abiding citizens into the country, and the town has 
 assumed more respectable proportions, and enjoyed the 
 advantage of a succession of fearless sheriffs, these out- 
 rages have diminished to such an extent that a whole 
 fortnight had elapsed prior to my arrival without any 
 serious disturbance of the public peace having taken 
 place ; and on this occasion the incident was one which 
 was scarcely deemed worthy of notice. An inebriated 
 " cow-boy," who had come up from his " ranch " to en- 
 joy himself, by way of bringing his " spree " to a satis- 
 factory conclusion, decided to ride through the ladies' 
 waiting-room with a revolver in one hand and a rifle in 
 the other. He had just completed this feat, and was 
 now looking round for some human target to his 'taste, 
 when he was accidentally met by the intrepid sheriff, 
 who happened to be carrying a double - barrelled gun 
 loaded with buckshot, and who then and there — so I 
 was informed by an eyewitness — " blew a hole in his 
 heart as big as your fist," thereby immensely increasing 
 the confidence which he already enjoys in the community, 
 and still further establishing that sense of security which 
 has caused Deming to become the envy of its less for- 
 tunate neighbours. The local paper, describing the in- 
 cident, says that " the man fell, remarking that he was a 
 dead man." There is something peculiarly suggestive of 
 the coolness alike of the cow-boy and the rest of the 
 community in this sentence. With his latest breath he
 
 164 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 uttered no unworthy cry or exclamation. He simply re- 
 marked, as a casual fact, " that he was a dead man." I 
 have heard the number of summary executions which the 
 energetic official who now preserves order at Deming has 
 promptly effected with his own hand put as high as 
 twenty- five during his comparatively short tenure of 
 office ; but although he has no doubt kept an accurate 
 score, as he is a pious church-member, he is said to be 
 reserved on the subject, and to evade a too rigid cross- 
 examination. The total number of men killed on the 
 line by acts of violence during the year 1881 was put 
 at two hundred and fifty ; and I saw in a local paper 
 with strong Hibernian tendencies a comparison between 
 the agrarian crimes in Ireland and the miscellaneous out- 
 rages of Arizona and New Mexico, proving that the pro- 
 portion of murders was much larger in those territories 
 than in Ireland, and arguing therefrom that it was an 
 infamous libel upon the Green Isle to stigmatise it as 
 being in a lawless and disturbed condition. There can 
 be no doubt that if a few trenchant officials of the type 
 of the sheriff of Deming were scattered over the " pro- 
 claimed " districts in Ireland, the Land-Leaguers would 
 soon share the demoralisation which is rapidly overtaking 
 the cow-boys of New Mexico. After all, these latter are 
 a comparatively harmless class as compared with the 
 " rustlers." The former shoot not for gain, but for sport, 
 or in self-defence, when their rough play leads to retalia- 
 tion. They delight in taking pot-shots at the cigar of 
 the unwary smoker, in startling him by boring a hole in 
 the brim of his hat with a bullet, or making him dance 
 by aiming at his toes on each foot alternately ; but if he
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 165 
 
 takes these amenities in good part, they do not desire 
 his life-blood. It is only when they are in unusually 
 high spirits that they ride pell-mell down the village 
 street, taking shots right and left ; and then it is that 
 the indignant citizens form vigilance committees and ride 
 in pursuit, neither party giving or receiving quarter. In 
 all this the sordid love of pelf plays no part. It is only 
 when they are, so to speak, outlawed, that they take to 
 the life of the " rustler," and, like Billy the Kid or the 
 James Brothers, become celebrated for daring acts of 
 robbery, keep a tally of the murders they have committed 
 by making notches on their revolvers, and form gangs 
 which are the terror of the country, until some man as 
 desperate as themselves — like Wild Bill, or Garrett, who 
 shot Billy the Kid the other night in his bedroom by 
 moonlight, — breaks up the gang by causing the most of 
 them to " hand in their checks," or, in other words, take 
 their departure for another world, when a delighted and 
 appreciative public instantly elect the self-appointed 
 champion of order sheriff. Hence it happens that these 
 law-preservers are for the most part as daring men and 
 as expert shots as the law-breakers ; and the inadequacy 
 of courts of criminal jurisprudence to deal efficiently 
 with existing social conditions has become universally 
 recognised. 
 
 At Deming I transferred myself from the Southern 
 Pacific to the new line called the " sunset route," which 
 is intended to connect that spot with Galveston in Texas, 
 by way of San Antonio de Behar, and which at this 
 period was only open for passenger traffic as far as El 
 Paso, Texas, at which town I arrived in the small hours
 
 166 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 of the morning. I had no need to be informed by a 
 chance acquaintance whom I met at the hotel, that it 
 was " booming." Signs of the " boom " were apparent 
 everywhere, — in the demolition of the low Mexican 
 houses with their pillared verandahs, which were giving 
 way in the principal street to brand-new American stores 
 with sloping roofs and plate-glass windows, and in the 
 busy crowd of nondescript and rather rough - looking 
 characters who thronged the hotel entrance, whose talk 
 was principally of mines, ranches, and stores of groceries 
 and dry goods. I have never visited a place more typi- 
 cal of American progress during wanderings which have 
 taken me through every State in the Union ; and I felt 
 so much infected with the spirit of rush and enterprise 
 and speculation which characterised it, that, if I had not 
 already paid somewhat dearly for a similar experience on 
 a former occasion, I should have been sorely tempted to 
 invest. A fellow-traveller who was on his way from an 
 Arizona mining city to Boston, and who intended to con- 
 tinue his journey with me, informed me a few hours after 
 our arrival that he had given up his eastern journey, and 
 was on his way to a lawyer to sign a deed of partner- 
 ship with a friend whom he had accidentally met, and 
 who had already persuaded him to go into the grocery 
 business with him. It is this extraordinary versatility 
 and readiness to abandon plans, form new combinations, 
 and make prompt decisions, which enables the pioneer 
 of civilisation in the West to rise and fall with such re- 
 markable rapidity. The present population of El Paso is 
 estimated at over 3000, of whom probably about two- 
 thirds are American, and the remaining third Mexican,
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 167 
 
 who lounge listlessly at the street-corners watching the 
 stir and enterprise which have overtaken their once 
 sleepy village, without apparently being stimulated there- 
 by to take part in the competition for sudden wealth 
 which has been excited. 
 
 Numerous hack-waggons with canvas tops, and drawn 
 by seedy mules, ply between the American town and 
 El Paso del Xorte, which is situated in the Mexican 
 province of Chihuahua on the other side of the Eio 
 Grande, the river which forms the frontier between the 
 United States and Mexico. The distance between the 
 two El Pasos is only about two miles, the road lying 
 across a plain — dusty in dry weather and knee-deep in 
 mud after the rains — where the rich alluvial soil is 
 already being turned to account for market -gardens, 
 which are divided by low adobe walls, between which 
 we jolt slowly over the ruts in our primitive conveyance. 
 I had made the casual acquaintance of an American 
 who was resident in the Mexican town, and who offered 
 to do the honours of it if I would accompany him ; but 
 of his name and occupation I was ignorant, until we 
 arrived at our destination. Passing the American Cus- 
 tom-house we reached a rough bridge, partly constructed 
 of wooden piles and partly of a pontoon, by which the 
 turbid yellow stream is crossed, and which is leased 
 to the proprietor of the hack-waggons, who charges a 
 shilling a-head for the trip, including the toll. A little 
 above the passenger-bridge the river is spanned by the 
 railway, which is destined to connect the city of Mexico 
 with El Paso, Texas, and which has already been com- 
 pleted for about forty miles towards the town of
 
 168 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 Chihuahua — pronounced Chiwawa. This bridge is used 
 also by foot-passengers, and my companion told me 
 that the night preceding a man had been robbed and 
 murdered upon it. He said, however, that acts of 
 violence had become rare since the late splendid exploit 
 of the local sheriff, whose fitness for his office, in his 
 opinion, exceeded even that of his colleague and rival at 
 Ueming ; for not long before a band of six rustlers came 
 tearing down the streets of El Paso, shooting and other- 
 wise disconcerting the peaceable citizens. The sheriff' 
 rushed to the rescue, and posting himself in a suitable 
 and commanding spot, emptied the whole six barrels of 
 his revolver into the mounted gang, killing four in suc- 
 cession on the spot, the last falling dead at a distance 
 of 125 measured paces. This remarkable story was 
 confirmed by several citizens whom I questioned in 
 regard to it, and one of whom was in the street at 
 the time. This sheriff is notorious not only for the 
 accuracy of his aim, but for the dexterity of his " draw " 
 
 and, as my companion insisted, " Shooting well ain't 
 
 o' no account if ye don't know how to draw." As he 
 was himself " heeled " — which is the technical term for 
 bein"- armed — he was able to illustrate his meaning by 
 whipping out the revolver, which he carried in the usual 
 pocket a little above and behind the right hip, and pre- 
 senting it at an imaginary enemy with a rapidity and 
 skill which he could only have acquired by long practice. 
 On the Mexican side of the Eio Grande we were in- 
 spected with great care by the barefooted slouching 
 soldier whose duty it was to watch for contraband 
 articles ; but my companion informed me that, either
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 169 
 
 by bribery or skilful smuggling, he always evaded the 
 duties. For instance, he had carried across a pair of 
 lamps the day before, the value of which in the United 
 States was twelve dollars, and the duty on which was 
 six, without being discovered, by the simple device of 
 taking them to pieces and distributing them among the 
 pockets of a party of friends, to whom he promised a 
 free entrance to his " dance-saloon ; " for he went on to 
 say that while waiting for something more profitable to 
 turn up, " he was running a dance saloon," and it was 
 at the door of this establishment, which was a roughly 
 constructed long wooden erection, that he ordered the 
 hack to stop, and politely escorted me to the bar, where 
 he was warmly greeted as " Jim " by a group who were 
 collected round it, and to each of whom I was presented 
 formally by Jim, who prefaced his introduction by turn- 
 ing to me and saying, " Let's see — what was it you said 
 your name was ? " As I had said nothing whatever 
 about my name, it is evident that before a satisfactory 
 introduction could take place, this delicate way of gain- 
 ing the information had become necessary. In regard 
 to my entertainer, my curiosity was amply satisfied by 
 knowing that he was " Jim," and a very popular Jim he 
 seemed. I had, however, " to stand drinks round " at 
 his own bar to him and the crowd, in return for making 
 the acquaintance of so many choice spirits, and from 
 that moment began to revolve in my mind schemes for 
 escape. It was evident they were all " heeled ; " and 
 though nothing could exceed their politeness, there was 
 something in the local surroundings — in the tawdry 
 attempts at ball - room decorations, in the dust and
 
 1 / THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 ddbris of the previous night's dance which a small boy 
 was sweeping up, in the loose unprincipled aspect of the 
 irregular rows of bottles behind the bar, and the haggard 
 debauched look of Jim's friends before it — which was 
 not calculated to inspire confidence. Besides, I saw a 
 perspective of innumerable drinks, so I gently insinuated 
 that I was obliged to go to the office of the railway on 
 business, and slipped away into the Plaza, which had a 
 church of the usual Mexican style of architecture on one 
 side, and a row of stunted trees all round, with stone 
 benches under them, while the whole of the central 
 space was covered over with an immense temporary 
 wooden erection, under which faro, monte, and roulette 
 tables were abundantly scattered ; for this was Christmas 
 week, and every night the town became a scene of gam- 
 bling, riot, and debauch. It was still early in the day, 
 so that only one card -table was in active operation, 
 round which a group of slouching Mexicans were 
 crowded, eagerly betting, and watching the game. 
 
 El Paso del Norte is an old and thoroughly typical 
 Mexican town. The low adobe houses which line the 
 ragged streets open on a narrow trottoir, where walking 
 is difficult in consequence of idle loungers, and a descent 
 from it into the street itself means literally wading in 
 a pond. In some of these lanes I saw mules slushing 
 through the water knee-deep, and this seemed the normal 
 condition of the principal thoroughfares. Behind the 
 church was a bull-ring, where, during Christmas week, two 
 or three fights take place ; and behind the bull-ring were 
 the barracks. Here I scraped another casual acquaintance, 
 in the person of a long-haired American, who was lounging
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 171 
 
 at the gateway, and who appeared to be on intimate terms 
 with the Mexican corporal of the guard. Through him 
 I obtained permission to visit the barracks, which con- 
 tained in all 120 men, whose quarters and accoutre- 
 ments I inspected, finding both much better than I 
 expected. It is true they all lived in one large room, 
 and slept on the mud floor, but it was clean and airy. 
 On the other side of the barrack-yard was a prison, which 
 I also examined. Here was a manacled Mexican, smok- 
 ing cigarettes and waiting calmly the day of his execu- 
 tion for a murder which he had committed, and which 
 was to take place in a week. There was, besides, a 
 group of other prisoners for minor offences ; and among 
 them, eating the usual black cakes made of beans, were 
 two free-born American citizens of the rustler class, in 
 whom my long-haired friend was interested, and whom 
 he consoled with words of encouragement, assuring them 
 that he was taking active measures to secure their liberty. 
 These most likely consisted in a large fee to his friend 
 the corporal or some of the other Mexican officers, com- 
 missioned or non-commissioned, with all of whom lie 
 seemed on good terms. 
 
 The attractions of El Paso were soon exhausted.. 
 Almost every other house was a drinking-saloon ; and 
 the whole place had an air of dissipation which was 
 rather suggestive than alluring. The worst class of 
 Americans come over from the other side, preying upon 
 the vices of the Mexicans to their own profit, and mak- 
 ing what money they can out of their propensities for 
 gambling, drinking, and dancing. " Le vin, le jeu, les 
 belles, voila nos seules plaisirs," seemed fitly to describe
 
 172 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 their lives and occupation, at all events during Christmas 
 week. My fellow-passenger back in the hack was an 
 American " belle," who had been up to see the " boys," 
 as she called them, whom I had visited in prison, who 
 were friends of hers ; and during the interview, a Mexi- 
 can soldier had taken advantage of a touching moment 
 to rob her of five dollars and her pocket-handkerchief, 
 so that I was entertained by her opinions of the Mexi- 
 cans as a race, couched in strong language, during the 
 half-hour I enjoyed the pleasure of her society. 
 
 As I was informed at El Paso that although the new 
 Texas Pacific Eailway would not be open for passenger 
 traffic for a week, it was possible to get through on a 
 construction-train ; and as I was fortunate enough to 
 meet one of the officials who was going by it, I deter- 
 mined to take advantage of his kind offer to put me 
 through to New Orleans by this as yet untraversed route. 
 The hour for the starting of the train was one in the 
 morning, and the accommodation a workman's caboose. 
 As provender was doubtful on the line, I provided 
 myself with a package of sandwiches and hard-boiled 
 eggs sufficient to last for two days, and with this simple 
 store took my seat, in company with about a dozen work- 
 men who were going down the line, on the narrow bench 
 of the caboose, behind which we dragged some trucks 
 loaded with rails, which we were constantly dropping 
 or adding to for the remainder of the night, the ever- 
 recurring shocks which attended the operation rendering- 
 sleep impossible, even had the accommodation otherwise 
 admitted of it. For fifty miles the line skirts the Eio 
 Grande ; and I was informed there were already some
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 173 
 
 good farms being opened, and that American settlers 
 were beginning to take wp their abode in the small 
 Mexican villages on the banks. At daylight we reached 
 Camp Bice, the spot at which the railway leaves the 
 river. Here there were one or two shanties, very much 
 resembling the poorest kind of Irish hovels ; but in one 
 of them we found a stalwart American, with a China- 
 man as cook, who most unexpectedly provided us with 
 a cup of hot coffee and a tough beef-steak. Excepting 
 where some willows and alders fringed the river-banks, 
 the country was treeless and desolate in the extreme. 
 At nine o'clock we reached Sierra Blanca, the junction 
 of the Galveston and San Antonio Railway with the 
 Texas Pacific. The former line now trends to the south, 
 but it is only completed from El Paso to this point, a 
 distance of ninety-four miles, which we had traversed 
 at the rate of about ten miles an hour, and which will 
 probably not be opened to San Antonio for some months 
 yet. 
 
 Sierra Blanca consisted of a tent and a stationary 
 caboose, which had been taken possession of by an irre- 
 pressible Chinaman, and converted into a kitchen and 
 dining-room for the workmen on the line. We found 
 here about a dozen men, some of them navvies, and two 
 or three enterprising travellers, who, like myself, were 
 trying to work their way through by the new route. 
 They had arrived from El Paso twenty-four hours before ; 
 but the train which should have met them — also a con- 
 struction-train — had not yet appeared ; in fact it was now 
 thirty hours late, and the prospect seemed gloomy in the 
 extreme. Most of the travellers of the day before had
 
 174 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 been obliged to spend the night sleeping round a large 
 fire they had made under the canopy of heaven. One or 
 two had found quarters in the tent, and others had passed 
 the night in the Chinaman's caboose ; but none of these 
 alternatives were pleasant to anticipate. The country 
 round was a desolate waste of mesquite scrub, Spanish 
 dagger, and bear grass, — the Spanish dagger a species of 
 cactus twisting its weird forms far as the eye could reach 
 across the prairie, and the bear-grass yellow and seared 
 for lack of water. There is an absolute dearth of water 
 across the desert here for about 200 miles ; and the 
 engines, as well as the employees, have to be supplied 
 from the tanks which are brought by rail and stationed 
 along the line, so that the freight of the water is a con- 
 siderable addition to the cost of maintenance. It is 
 hoped, however, that energetic boring will remedy this 
 evil in time, and that wells will be found. Until then, 
 although the soil is excellent, the resources wdiich this 
 region undoubtedly contains must remain undeveloped. 
 
 We were delighted, while enjoying a modest repast 
 of fried pork and beans in the Chinaman's caboose, to 
 receive the welcome intelligence that the train was 
 approaching, though somewhat dismayed on its arrival 
 to find nothing better than a " box-car " to stow ourselves 
 away in. With the addition to our numbers formed by 
 the delayed passengers of the night before, we had no 
 room to sit, much less to lie down ; and as " the crowd " 
 consisted almost entirely of the great unwashed, the atmo- 
 sphere was stifling. This could be remedied by pushing 
 back the sliding door — there were no windows : but the 
 temperature was too low to make this agreeable, and we
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 175 
 
 had therefore to choose between being nearly stifled or 
 chilled. The former alternative was considered prefer- 
 able, and the fetid odours were somewhat modified by 
 dense clouds of bad tobacco smoke. The conversation 
 consisted largely of profane anecdotes and local experi- 
 ences of brawls and cheating or being cheated at play 
 or in business ; and so we crawled warily across the 
 scrubby desert, between two barren ranges of serrated 
 hills which rise to a height varying from 1000 to 1500 
 feet above the level of the plain — one called the Sierra 
 Diablo, and the other the Sierra Carrizo. The former 
 of these is said to be the highest mountain on the route, 
 and is nearly 6000 feet above the sea-level. Although 
 the line itself nowhere rises very perceptibly, and must 
 have been an easy one to construct, on account of the 
 absence of grades, it reaches an elevation at its highest 
 level, which we shortly after attained, of about 4500 
 feet above the sea. Here our engine broke down, and 
 we stopped for repairs near a couple of tents in which 
 four men were encamped, who had been boring for 
 water. This they had just been fortunate enough to 
 find at a depth of 225 feet, and the water had already 
 risen 60 feet in the well. It was being drawn to the 
 surface by a pump worked by two mules, and was of 
 a grey colour, but perfectly drinkable. There was some- 
 thing particularly dreary and isolated -looking in the 
 position of this camp, and 1 was not surprised to see a 
 rifle lying on the ground beside each man's mattress. I 
 asked the men whether they had no fear of attacks from 
 the Indians, but they said that not more than three or 
 four men had been killed by Indians on the line during
 
 176 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 the year, and that they felt tolerably safe, as the Indians 
 had all returned to the reservation since the summer 
 troubles. These had been the most serious on the South- 
 ern Pacific road in Arizona, where the Apaches had been 
 out in such great force as to cause some of the stations 
 on the line to be abandoned for some days. One poor 
 woman at a small station at which I had been delayed 
 for some hours, owing to the smash-up of a freight-train, 
 gave me a vivid description of a night of terror which she 
 spent in the scrub, owing to the proximity of a band of 
 Apaches to the section-house which she and her husband 
 inhabited, and from which they fled precipitately at mid- 
 night, owing to a report brought in by some workmen 
 that they had been chased by the Indians only a few 
 miles lower down the line. It is due to the aborigines 
 to say that they are more sinned against than sinning. 
 The frauds perpetrated upon them by the Indian agents, by 
 which they are sometimes driven almost to starvation, and 
 hence to despair, render them savage and reckless; and they 
 secretly leave the reservation in large bands, scouring the 
 country, plundering and murdering defenceless settlers, 
 and revenging themselves upon the white man generally 
 for injuries which they undergo at the hands of the Gov- 
 ernment officials, until troops are concentrated in the dis- 
 turbed district, and the pursuit gets too hot to be pleasant, 
 when they sneak back by twos and threes to the reserva- 
 tion, assume an air of harmless and injured simplicity, 
 and deny strenuously that they have ever left it. To 
 judge, however, from the accounts which I received in all 
 quarters of their treatment at the hands of the Indian 
 agents, these latter are a far less civilised class than
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 177 
 
 the savages whose affairs they are supposed to ad- 
 minister. 
 
 It was dark before we commenced our descent from 
 the summit level, and I therefore missed seeing what 
 little scenery there is in the shape of a pass through the 
 hills, which is said to occur at this point. I am inclined 
 to think, however, that there is nothing very striking to 
 be seen. We stopped repeatedly at the frame section- 
 houses — which occur every ten or fifteen miles, and are 
 the only signs of human life along the line — to drop or 
 add on trucks, and on these occasions could hear the 
 plaintive wail of the coyotes breaking the silence of the 
 desert as they approached the habitation of man in search 
 of food. The skins of these animals are worth a dollar 
 apiece ; and one of the section-house men told me he had 
 killed twenty in two days, so that he was enabled to vary 
 the monotony of his life and add to his income at the 
 same time. I observed two " loping " stealthily along 
 through the scrub just before nightfall, and so far they 
 were the only wild animals I had seen. As we were 
 leaving one of the section-houses, the tedium of the jour- 
 ney was varied by one of the men, who was standing 
 near the open door of the box-car as we were moving 
 slowly along, falling suddenly out of it in an epileptic fit. 
 He was picked up without having sustained any serious 
 injury ; and, curiously enough, two 'hours had scarcely 
 elapsed after his recovery, when another man who was 
 sitting next to me, and whose head had been constantly 
 diopping upon my shoulder as lie dosed, was similarly 
 attacked. Two other men who had been copiously im- 
 bibing from bottles they had brought with them, became, 
 
 M
 
 178 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 at the same time, drunk and uproarious ; and the confu- 
 sion of attending upon the sick man, and keeping his 
 inebriated comrades quiet, in a dark box about half the 
 size of an ordinary luggage-van ; by the light of a feeble, 
 smoky petroleum-lamp, was an experience so eminently 
 disagreeable, especially combined with a fetid odour of 
 humanity and tobacco-smoke acting on an empty stomach, 
 that my satisfaction was intense on finding at one in the 
 morning that we had arrived at Toyah, that we were to 
 stay there for six or seven hours, and that there would 
 be a possibility of finding a shake-down of some sort in a 
 tent or shanty. As my official friend was compelled to 
 leave me here in order to visit another part of the line, 
 to which he proceeded on an engine, I attached myself 
 to an individual whose respectability seemed to some ex- 
 tent guaranteed by the fact that he was possessed of some 
 baggage in the shape of a hand-valise, and was altogether 
 the most presentable-looking personage, so far as costume 
 and " deportment " were concerned, in the party. To- 
 gether we went on a voyage of discovery for night-quar- 
 ters, and were not a little surprised to find in the dead 
 of night this wild remote camp in a state of general illu- 
 mination and apparent festivity. 
 
 Our reception was more characteristic than pleasant. 
 We had not walked a dozen yards from the train when 
 we were startled by two reports from a pistol, and I 
 distinctly heard the bullets sing through the air at no 
 great distance. My companion was evidently under no 
 doubt on the subject, for he drily remarked : " Guess 
 them shooters was loaded ; the boys must be having a 
 good time," — which, if noise meant anything, they cer-
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 179 
 
 tainly were, for the shots were succeeded by shouts and 
 yells, and more shots, though I did not hear the whistle 
 of any more bullets. All this was taking place at some 
 saloons about two hundred yards distant, and I sug- 
 gested that we should go to a shanty as far as possible 
 in the opposite direction, which rejoiced in the attractive 
 title of " The Nip and Tuck Saloon." I did not so much 
 care about the nip as the tuck, if it could be got, but I 
 feared there was not much hope. However, it was a 
 good sign of the respectability of the house that it was 
 shut up and the proprietor in bed. It was a wooden 
 construction, with a bar and saloon below, and a loft 
 above ; and when our sleepy host opened the door, he 
 told us we should find a couple of unoccupied beds in 
 the latter. The approach to it was by a stair outside 
 the shanty, and it turned out a gaunt, draughty apart- 
 ment, with the moonlight coming through the chinks of 
 the boards which formed roof and walls. In close prox- 
 imity to each other were two full beds and two empty 
 ones. It is not pleasant to go to bed in a room with 
 two characters curled up in adjoining beds whom you 
 have never seen awake, and in regard to whose nature 
 and disposition you have nothing to guide you but their 
 snores, and so much of their noses and beards as appear 
 above the bedclothes — particularly while shooting con- 
 tinues lively and suggestive just outside the house. My 
 immediate neighbour, for all I knew to the contrary, 
 might be a " Colorado Jim," or a " Buffalo Bill," or a 
 " James Brother," only waiting for me to drop off into 
 an innocent slumber to begin " blowing holes " in me for 
 fun, preparatory to emptying my pockets. I had taken
 
 180 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 the precaution so to dispose of my cash that no one 
 short of a detective would have found it — so I was 
 not uneasy on this score ; and I had left my baggage in 
 the train. My companion, however, " hung on " to his 
 valise with such pertinacity that I expected to see him 
 make an elaborate change of toilet before turning in ; 
 but he only hid it under his greatcoat, and divested him- 
 self of his outer garments. Just at this period our host 
 looked in, and I questioned him in regard to the noise 
 and firing. He said " it was only the boys having a 
 good time ; they were only in play ; there might be 
 some one hurt by morning, or there might not. He 
 guessed there wouldn't ; they was only cow-boys and 
 Mexicans in on a spree. There warn't no rustlers 
 among them." He admitted, however, that Toyah " was 
 a putty hard place," — with which consolatory assurance 
 he left me ; and a few moments afterwards, in spite of 
 the snores of my next neighbour, and the extreme hard- 
 ness and lumpiness of the bed, and the perpetual pop- 
 ping of pistols and yells of joy and merriment inspired 
 by whisky, I fell into a sound sleep, from which I was 
 only awakened a little before daylight by all the dogs in 
 the place uniting in a frantic chorus of barking, probably 
 at the intrusion into their precincts of a too inquisitive 
 coyote. My companions shortly after revealed their 
 real character, and when they appeared awake and 
 dressed, wore a harmless and respectable aspect. He of 
 the valise now disclosed to me the mystery of his lug- 
 gage. " Mister," he said to me abruptly, after the two 
 others had left the room, " let's see — what was it you 
 said your name was again ? " I told him, though, as in
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 181 
 
 the case of my El Paso friend, I had never mentioned it 
 before, and he kept constantly forgetting it afterwards, 
 and repeating his inquiry. He was too much excited by 
 the revelation he was going to make to think seriously 
 of anything else but his valise, which he unlocked, and 
 disjDlayed, not a change of clothing, but specimens of 
 silver-ore of all shapes and sizes, the whole making up 
 a package from which he never parted, though, as he 
 said, it was " considerable heftv." This was all the 
 baggage he was taking east, and on this foundation he 
 proposed to build his pile. They were specimens from 
 a mine he had struck in Chihuahua, and his eyes 
 gleamed with the fire of the veteran prospector when he 
 spoke of it. This disclosure was such a touching evi- 
 dence of the confidence with which I had inspired him, 
 that we became great friends henceforth ; and I went so 
 far as to introduce him to an acquaintance I made later 
 in the train, and who, I thought, might be useful to him, 
 prefacing my introduction by the remark, " Mister, let's 
 see — what was it you said your name was again ? " 
 Our host gave us a cup of coffee and a tough beef-steak 
 for breakfast ; and on my questioning him as to the 
 result of last night's spree, he said he had not heard that 
 any of the boys " had been much hurt." Probably a 
 shot through the calf of the leg, or a trifle of that sort. 
 
 I took a stroll through the place in the cool morning 
 air, when it was still slumbering off the effects of the 
 previous night's dissipation, and counted twelve wooden 
 shanties and twelve tents — all saloons, with the excep- 
 tion of a dry-goods store, a grocery store, and a black- 
 smith's shop. Toyah is 194 miles from El Paso, and
 
 182 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 was the first inhabited spot, excepting tents and section- 
 houses dwelt in by railway employees, I had seen since 
 leaving the former place. It had taken us just twenty- 
 four hours to perform this distance. It is supplied with 
 water from a spring not very far distant, and the exist- 
 ence of some large cattle-ranches in the neighbourhood 
 shows that the country is not altogether destitute of that 
 important commodity. Here, to my great relief, I found 
 that a rough passenger-carriage had been substituted for 
 the caboose in which we had hitherto journeyed ; and I 
 took my seat in company with some twenty others, with 
 the feeling that I was once more approaching the regions 
 of civilisation. After traversing for twenty miles the 
 plain of mesquite scrub, which differed in nothing from 
 that which we had crossed for over two hundred miles, 
 we reached the Pecos river, a yellow, sluggish, winding 
 stream, that cuts its way across the plain between pre- 
 cipitous banks of clay ten or twelve feet high, which 
 makes it a difficult stream for cattle to approach for 
 watering purposes. Owing to the number of salt 
 lagoons which drain into it, the Pecos is too brackish to 
 be used by man for drinking purposes, though the cattle 
 are very fond of it. It is also impregnated with gypsum. 
 The engineer told me that it was so full of saline deposit 
 as to render it useless so far as the locomotives were 
 concerned. Beyond the Pecos the appearance of the 
 country somewhat improved. The grass was greener 
 and more succulent, and I observed several droves of 
 cattle in splendid condition. Here, too, prairie-dogs 
 abound, popping in and out of their holes, and giving 
 short impatient barks as they watched the passing train
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 183 
 
 with inquisitive eyes. As we progressed game became 
 abundant ; huge droves of antelope, numbering several 
 hundreds in each drove, scampered across the track, and 
 we- sometimes had to slacken up and whistle them off it. 
 Three of the passengers had rifles, and kept firing 
 incessantly at the beautiful animals as they showed 
 their white sterns and bounded in huddled masses 
 through the scrub. I am happy to say I only saw one 
 wounded : it was mere wanton cruelty, as even had they 
 killed any, we should not have stopped to pick them up ; 
 but had I not seen it,. I could not have believed that in 
 any part of the country game was still to be found in 
 such multitudes. I also saw four deer ; and three dark 
 objects were pointed out to me on the horizon, which I 
 was assured were buffalo. I was obliged, however, to 
 take my informant's word for this, as without opera- 
 glasses it was impossible to be sure of it. There is no 
 doubt, however, of their presence in large numbers on 
 the line, as two hunters whom I met at one of the 
 section-houses assured me they had killed sixty-five 
 during the week. There was quite an eatable dinner of 
 buffalo steak prepared for us in a section-house, although 
 there were no signs of habitations or a settled population 
 throughout the whole day's journey. In the afternoon 
 we passed numerous salt lagoons, which are dry during 
 the summer, and which even now exposed extensive saline 
 tracts to view ; and a little after dark reached Big 
 Springs, also a town of saloons — a sort of magnified 
 Toyah. It was too dark, however, to see more than the 
 glimmer of its petroleum-lamps in the tents and shanties, 
 and hear the sounds of merriment which proceeded from
 
 184 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 them ; for this was Christmas Eve, and sprees were going 
 on in every direction, with occasional explosions of gun- 
 powder. 
 
 Big Springs is situated at the present extreme limit 
 of Western Texas civilisation. From here eastwards 
 settled habitations occur at intervals, and the character 
 of the country begins to change ; and here I found a 
 sleeping-car, and could actually take a ticket and con- 
 sider myself on a line of recognised travel. From El 
 Paso to this point I had paid for the privilege of being 
 bottled up in cabooses and box-cars at the rate of five 
 cents per mile, but there were no regular tickets issued. 
 Now I afforded myself the luxury of a " section," much 
 to the astonishment of my mining friend, who was so 
 little familiar with the term, that when asked whether 
 he wanted a " whole section," he thought the conductor 
 was offering him 640 acres of railway land. When day 
 dawned, our eyes were rejoiced once more by the sight 
 of trees. They were the first I had seen since leaving 
 El Paso, and even those had been planted, and were 
 irrigated from the river. Indeed, all the way from Los 
 Angeles in Southern California, the country is completely 
 destitute of any other vegetation than that of various 
 kinds of cacti and bushy scrub. Here, too, near the 
 railway station, were groups of houses, with a post- 
 office, stores, and other indications of a settled country. 
 The population was evidently still of the " hard " type, 
 however. As we drew up at the platform of one small 
 station, a free fight was in active progress upon it. Two 
 or three pistol-shots were fired, and the engineer seemed 
 to think it best not to linger, so we glided slowly past
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 185 
 
 the combatants — not, however, before one of them had 
 time to spring on to the train. I was not aware of this 
 fact, or I should have questioned him as to the occur- 
 rence generally. I only saw him two stations after- 
 wards, when he was arrested by a sheriff's posse, so I 
 suppose he had been shooting to some purpose. From 
 this and other indications which I observed alono- the 
 line of route, I should judge that the list of casualties 
 from the use of the revolver was larger on Christmas 
 Day than on that of any other day set apart for religious 
 celebration and worship throughout the year. The irre- 
 pressible newsboy now appeared on the train, and I 
 observed that his stock of light literature consisted chiefly 
 of the lives and exploits of notorious border ruffians and 
 desperadoes, written in the thrilling style calculated to 
 stimulate the imaginations of the rising generation, and 
 foster a wholesome spirit of emulation. 
 
 We found quite a gorgeous Christmas dinner prepared 
 for us at Weatherford ; and a large proportion of the 
 male population took advantage of the arrival of the 
 train and dined with us, entertaining us as though we 
 had been distinguished guests — which did not release us, 
 however, from the obligation of paying for our dinner. 
 At night we reached the thriving town of Dallas, which 
 boasts a population of fifteen or sixteen thousand, and 
 here I promised myself a full night's rest in a comfort- 
 able bed. The Texas Pacific continues to Texarkana, 
 a town on the State line dividing Texas and Arkansas; 
 but I left it at this point to strike south. Its total 
 length is about 8G0 miles, of which 450 have been 
 built during last year. On the 1st of January of
 
 186 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 this year it was to be opened for passenger traffic ; and 
 in spite of the barren character of the country through 
 which it passes, there can be no doubt that a great future 
 is in store for it. At present, passengers travelling be- 
 tween California and the East in winter, whether they 
 go across the Rocky Mountains by the Union Pacific, 
 or round by way of the Southern Pacific, and Atchison, 
 Topeka, and Santa Fe railroads, are always subject to the 
 risk of being snowed-in, and to the inconveniences of in- 
 clement weather ; but by taking the Texas Pacific route 
 to St Louis and the East, a temperate climate is assured, 
 and there is an entire absence of steep grades, snow-sheds, 
 tunnels, or cuttings, which, if they increase the pictu- 
 resqueness of a line, interfere with its smoothness and 
 comfort ; but besides this, the Texas Pacific will bring 
 the Southern States into direct communication with 
 California and Mexico. It will open up a vast tract of 
 territory, of which the mining resources are unknown, 
 and which only needs irrigation to be made to yield 
 of its abundance ; and experience has shown in the St 
 Joachim valley, and elsewhere in California, the changes 
 which artesian wells produce upon the face of a country. 
 It will enable the ranchers of Western Texas and New 
 Mexico to bring their cattle down to Galveston and other 
 ports of export on the Mexican Gulf, and, in fact, thor- 
 oughly open up a region which has hitherto been almost 
 hermetically sealed to the introduction of capital. In all 
 this it will have a serious rival in the Galveston, San 
 Antonio, and El Paso Eailway ; but there will probably 
 be found traffic for both. At present these embryo lines 
 have entered into a joint working arrangement, which,
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 187 
 
 however, is scarcely likely to last. From El Paso west- 
 ward it is proposed to continue the system by a line 
 almost parallel to the Southern Pacific, having for its 
 terminal point San Diego, the most southern port of 
 California, and which boasts a magnificent harbour ; and 
 it is hoped that the traffic to Australia may be diverted 
 from San Francisco to this point. Both companies have 
 been granted immense tracts of land on either side of 
 their tracks ; and at the present moment there can be no 
 doubt that the prudent and far-sighted speculator might 
 invest money at points, which, as the country develops, 
 are certain to acquire importance, to great advantage. 
 A year hence it will probably be too late ; but there are 
 now spots in the neighbourhood of springs, and on the 
 Pecos river, which are to be had almost for nothing, and 
 which must inevitably rise rapidly in value. 
 
 It is a thirty -three hours' run from Dallas to New 
 Orleans ; and I was grateful to find myself in the St 
 Charles Hotel of that city, after a journey of eight days 
 and a half, including stoppages, from San Francisco. As 
 the first traveller who had come through the new route 
 from one city to the other, I was duly interviewed, and 
 found myself an object of some interest. It is probable 
 that before this appears in print, the journey will be 
 regularly performed in six days and nights, or even less. 
 I was in a hurry to get on from New Orleans to Havana ; 
 but in the absence of any direct boat, was compelled to 
 take a steamer which touched at ports on the Florida 
 coast. As they were places rarely visited by the ordi- 
 nary traveller, I was consoled to some degree for the 
 delay thus involved. Cedar Keys is the most southern
 
 188 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 point at present reached by any connected system of 
 American railways, and it owes its growth and present 
 importance mainly to this fact : A group of flat, sandy, 
 coral islets shelter the harbour, and on one of these the 
 town is built. On another, separated from it by a channel 
 about half a mile wide, is a village mainly inhabited by 
 employees in the cedar -mills. A few years ago there 
 were not more than twenty houses on the two islands : 
 they now contain a population of about 2000; and on 
 the one most thickly inhabited, which is separated from 
 the mainland by a lagoon traversed by the railway, I 
 observed a good many new houses being built of the 
 shell concrete, which is the most available material. 
 The isle is so narrow that there is only room for the one 
 street, which runs nearly its total length ; but it then 
 forms an angle like the letter L, and the spur widens out, 
 so that the place will have room to spread in this direc- 
 tion. Here it rises to a height of forty or fifty feet above 
 the level of the sea in three separate mounds. These 
 are artificially formed, and were ancient Indian burial- 
 places of immense extent. They are now overgrown 
 with various kinds of ilex, palmettos, tamarisk, and pines, 
 beneath which people are already beginning to perch 
 their houses. In digging the foundations they exhume 
 numbers of skulls, fragments of Indian pottery, flint 
 arrowheads, and other vestiges of antiquity ; but so far 
 they have only scraped on the surface. It is possible 
 that a really serious excavation undertaken here might 
 bring to light many objects of interest : as it was, I gave 
 a little girl twenty-five cents for a flint arrowhead that 
 she had found. I grubbed into the mounds myself for
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 189 
 
 a short time, and found that they were composed almost 
 entirely of shells and loose loam. 
 
 The main industry of Cedar Keys is the manufactory 
 of cedar-wood for lead-pencils. The air was perfumed 
 with the odour, and huge rafts of cedar-logs were being 
 slowly propelled across the lagoons from the swamps 
 where they are cut. Formerly they used to be shipped 
 in bulk for manufacture ; but now they are sawn up on 
 the spot to the requisite length for lead-pencils. I visited 
 one of the manufactories ; but the largest was that of 
 Mr Faber on the other island. A delay of three hours 
 sufficed to exhaust the attractions of Cedar Keys, and we 
 steamed slowly down the Florida coast in our very lively 
 little craft, which made bad weather of it against a strong 
 head-wind. It is a run of thirty hours to Key West ; 
 but as the channel is too difficult to enter by night, we 
 were compelled to wait outside for daylight before run- 
 ning for seven or eight miles between the flat coral- 
 islands, thickly wooded, on one of which the town is 
 situated. It is the most southerly possession of the 
 United States, and is quite tropical in the character of 
 its vegetation. I was altogether unprepared to find in 
 this remote spot so large, well-built, and flourishing a 
 town. The island is three miles and a quarter long, 
 with an average breadth of about a mile, and is traversed 
 in all directions near the town by excellent roads. On 
 these are situated the houses and villas of the citizens, 
 surrounded by fruit and flower gardens, which in some 
 cases are quite extensive, and attest the wealth of the 
 proprietor. 
 
 Thus on Xew-Year's Day we found roses, poinsettias,
 
 190 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 daturas, oleanders, yellow elders, and other plants, glow- 
 ing in a perfect blaze of colour ; while groves of cocoa- 
 nuts, with here and there a date-palm, bananas, papaws, 
 shaddocks, sapodillas, sour-sops, custard-apples, tamarinds, 
 and alligator-pears, reminded one that the possessions of 
 Uncle Sam extend into more southern latitudes than one 
 is apt to realise. On the highest point of the island, 
 which is not more than eight or ten feet above the sea- 
 level, a convent is situated, surrounded by gardens, where 
 I was kindly received by the lady-superior, and from its 
 upper balcony obtained a view over the whole island. 
 Here thirteen nuns, affiliated to a large convent of the 
 same order at Montreal, have been recently established. 
 Indeed the building is not yet completed ; their schools, 
 however, already contain 120 children. The whole 
 population of the island was estimated by a local resident 
 at 13,000 — but I am inclined to think that this was too 
 high, — of whom 6000 are Cubans — principally refugees 
 during the recent Cuban insurrection, who have established 
 themselves here as tobacco manufacturers — 4000 Ameri- 
 cans, and 3000 negroes. A large proportion of the latter 
 come from our own colony of the Bahamas. The principal 
 industry of the place is the manufacture into cigars of 
 raw Cuban tobacco, which is brought over in the leaf to 
 avoid the duty. It is said that the climate of Key West 
 so much resembles that of Cuba, from which it is only 
 eighty miles distant, that it is not possible to distinguish 
 the cigars made here from those of Havana, which are 
 supposed to derive their peculiar excellence as much 
 from the properties of the climate as from those of the 
 tobacco itself. Next in importance to the tobacco in-
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 191 
 
 dustry comes the sponge trade. These sponges are 
 obtained on the coral bottom at a depth of from fifteen 
 to thirty feet, and are brought to the surface, not by 
 divers, as in the Mediterranean, but by long poles with 
 hooks at the end of them, as the water is so transparent 
 that on a still day they are clearly to be distinguished 
 at the bottom. The harbour was full of the small 
 schooners employed for this purpose, and the wharf was 
 piled with sponge-heaps, which were sold by auction while 
 I was present, and realised over £3000. The average 
 amount of the sale every day during the season is about 
 £2000. I was told that prices were unusually high; 
 but I nevertheless bought a very good sponge for a shil- 
 ling. From two to three hundred turtle a- week are also 
 exported from Key West to New York ; and a very large 
 trade is done with Havana in fish. Altogether tobacco, 
 sponges, turtle, and fish, combine to support a thriving, 
 active, and increasing community. 
 
 It so happened that on the day of my visit nearly all 
 the shops were shut, for it was the negroes' holiday, and 
 they were most ostentatiously engaged in celebrating their 
 independence. Bands of negresses of all ages, dressed in 
 white book muslin, with pink or blue sashes, according to 
 the group in the procession to which they belonged, were 
 eagerly gathering at the street -corners, flaunting their 
 finery with the vanity peculiar to the race, — their black 
 arms showing beneath their transparent sleeves, and the 
 open-worked thread stockings and high-heeled embroidered 
 shoes forming a most singular cliaussure for the huge black 
 feet, upon which they endeavoured daintily to trip along, 
 — their extensive hips swaying gracefully from side to
 
 192 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 side as they languished upon the arms of their beaux, 
 who wore white-thread gloves, high silk hats, and black 
 frock-coat, trousers, and waistcoat, with pink or blue rib- 
 bons crossing their chests, as though supporting some 
 knightly order, and flowers in their button-holes. When 
 the band appeared, and the flags waved, and the proces- 
 sion formed, the whole proceeding was irresistibly comic 
 in its grave solemnity, and the air of importance and dis- 
 tinction assumed by the performers, — more so, in fact, 
 than a j)rocession of buffoons fantastically dressed, which 
 appeared later in the day, dancing and throwing them- 
 selves into grotesque attitudes, which were not altogether 
 decent, but which afforded infinite diversion to the sable 
 spectators. I heard that the performances were to close 
 with speech-making and a ball ; but owing to the depar- 
 ture of the steamer, I missed these interesting functions. 
 Key West was a point of some military importance 
 during the American Civil War, and Fort Taylor, a mas- 
 sive structure on a rocky islet, connected with the larger 
 island by a bridge, was strongly garrisoned, and is at the 
 present time heavily armed, though its garrison is reduced 
 to a single caretaker. The barracks are situated at the 
 other end of the town, but the company of soldiers which 
 occupied them had been recently transferred to the main- 
 land. As a settlement it has as old a history as any in 
 America, having been originally under Spanish rule, from 
 which it subsequently passed into British possession. In 
 those days, however, and even for long after it became 
 the property of the United States, it was an obscure, in- 
 significant place, and it is only since the Civil War, but 
 more especially since the termination of the Cuban insur-
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 193 
 
 rection in 1876, that its present prosperity has developed, 
 so that its population is now tenfold what it was twenty 
 years ago. The island is so low that it is subject to inunda- 
 tions from the sea after violent hurricanes ; and upon more 
 than one occasion the inhabitants of the streets contiguous 
 to the port have been compelled to flee precipitately with 
 all their household goods to the centre of the island to 
 escape the invading ocean. Owing to the number of 
 casualties happening to ships navigating these dangerous 
 waters, the United States Government has organised an 
 establishment at Key West consisting of several licensed 
 vessels, which are kept cruising on the look-out for ships 
 in distress or in want of pilots. Indeed the Florida Keys 
 or Cays are a sinister-looking appendage to the mainland 
 — from the south-eastern extremity of which this maze 
 of low mangrove and wooded islets, rocks, and sand- 
 banks, sweep to the south and west for nearly 200 miles. 
 Throughout their whole extent they are skirted to the 
 distance of from four to six miles by dangerous narrow 
 coral-reefs, which are " steep-to," and through which there 
 are several cuts leading to a navigable channel within, 
 for vessels of the heaviest draught, as far up from the 
 westward as Key West. It is creditable to the United 
 States Government that lighthouses are tolerably numerous. 
 It is only a run of eight or nine hours from Key West 
 to Havana, at which city I arrived exactly a fortnight 
 after having left San Francisco. If a regular line of 
 direct steamers were established between New Orleans 
 and Havana, the journey, now that the Texas Pacific is 
 opened, could be performed from San Francisco to the 
 latter city in eight days, thus furnishing a fresh illustra- 
 
 N
 
 194 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 tion of the facilities for travel which newly established 
 routes are affording for communication between important 
 commercial centres hitherto unconnected. 
 
 A week later and I was gliding beneath the forest- 
 clad mountains of San Domingo, the fairest island of the 
 Antilles, and could realise, as I gazed upon their wooded 
 slopes, the emotions which must have stirred the heart 
 of Columbus when, after sighting the low coral islet of 
 Watling, he found himself in the presence of what he 
 believed to be a new continent, to which, in the joy of 
 finding his long-cherished hopes realised, he gave the 
 name of Hispaniola. Just before rounding Cape Isabelle, 
 we can see the bay in which he founded the first colony 
 in the New World four hundred years ago : its site is 
 now indicated by the ruins of a single pillar, almost 
 hidden among the bushes near the beach. An hour 
 more and we are cautiously creeping between the closely 
 approaching reefs into the insecure harbour -of Porto 
 Plata, which, notwithstanding the disadvantages of its 
 position, is nevertheless the chief commercial port of the 
 island. Like a frail beauty, what it lacks in safety, it 
 makes up for in looks. Nothing can be more enchanting 
 than the aspect of the place from the seaward, nestled in 
 groves of palms and other tropical trees at the base of 
 the singular flat-peaked mountain, Isabella della Torres, 
 which rises in rear of the town to a height of nearly 
 3000 feet, clothed to its summit with magnificent 
 timber. The bright red and grey roofs of the little 
 town contrast agreeably with the foliage in which its 
 houses seem embowered. The harbour is a semicircular 
 basin about half a mile in extent, with a low sandy
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 195 
 
 beach and shallow water, excepting near the entrance, 
 which is very narrow ; on one side of it is a mangrove- 
 covered point, and on the other a grassy hill about 
 seventy feet high, crowned by a fort and lighthouse. In 
 rear of this is the town, and I lost no time in landing to 
 see whether its internal attractions justified those of its 
 outward aspect. If ever there was a case in which, 
 while " every prospect pleases, only man is vile," was 
 true, it is eminently so of Porto Plata. The town 
 consists of a dozen or more narrow streets intersecting 
 each other at right angles, the houses one-storey wooden 
 tenements with verandahs and roofs of corrugated iron 
 or shingle. There is an almost entire absence of side 
 walks ; while huge puddles, crossed by stepping-stones, 
 and treacherous mud-holes, lie in wait for the unwary 
 foot-passenger. There are no roads or wheeled vehicles 
 in the place, and the population move about the town on 
 foot, and go into the country on pony-back. The total 
 number of inhabitants is between 4000 and 5000, of 
 whom not a hundred are pure white, and they are all 
 foreigners. Signs of the disastrous effects of administra- 
 tion by a negro republic were evident in the decaying 
 aspect of the place. No new houses were being built, 
 but the ruined foundations of those which had formerly 
 existed were numerous. There is a modern Eoman 
 Catholic church of barbarous architecture, with a red 
 roof of corrugated iron overlooking a small grass-grown 
 plaza, where twice a-week a negro band plays, and the 
 coloured beauty and fashion come to listen ; and on the 
 other sides of the square are a club, established by the 
 small foreign community, and the Government offices,
 
 196 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 above which proudly waves the flag of the republic with 
 its four red aud blue squares. Keeping guard over it 
 is an extremely indolent bare-footed sentry smoking a 
 cigarette, and clad like any ordinary member of the 
 poorer class of the community — he is leaning upon his 
 antiquated musket, the only indication about him of his 
 calling in life. 
 
 Men and women wear European costume of light 
 texture, — the women tidier than negresses usually are ; 
 and as the doors and windows of their houses stood 
 open, I had an opportunity of seeing that the interiors 
 were, for the most part, neat and comfortable-looking. 
 As I overheard several of the blackest-looking talking 
 English, I got into conversation with them, and found 
 that a constant intercourse was kept up with the 
 Bahamas, especially with Turk Island ; and that the 
 black population of British subjects numbered about 
 400, although, in order to become a naturalised citizen 
 of San Domingo, no other form is necessary than that of 
 registration. Foreign negroes are subject to many dis- 
 abilities. My informant told me that they adhered 
 invariably to their British nationality for the benefit 
 of the protection which it afforded them in case of 
 revolutions, as, without it, they would be immediately 
 pressed into military service. They came here, they 
 said, because it was so much easier to make a living 
 than in the British colony ; but they all intended, as 
 soon as they had made money enough, to go home. 
 They form the entire Protestant community of the place, 
 and are Wesleyan Methodists and Baptists. The former 
 are ministered to by a coloured parson, and the latter by
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 197 
 
 an English missionary, who is the only pure Englishman 
 in Porto Plata. The foreign merchants are for the most 
 part German or Spanish. The language of the natives is 
 Spanish. The result of eighty years of black government 
 is not encouraging. The greater part of this magnificent 
 and fertile island is still uncultivated. The exports of 
 Porto Plata, its chief commercial port, have within the 
 last ten years fallen off by two-thirds, and its imports, 
 which are taxed 50 per cent ad valorem, by nearly as 
 much. The former consist almost entirely of tobacco 
 and mahogany ; but to judge by the rapidity of its 
 decrease, the tobacco exportation will soon become 
 utterly extinguished by the successful rivalry of Brazil, 
 and the heavy export duties imposed by the local govern- 
 ment. The fear of revolutions and of unexpected taxa- 
 tion prevents foreigners from embarking their capital 
 here, where, under favourable circumstances, large for- 
 tunes might be realised, for the richest land is to be had 
 at nominal prices. Nevertheless a German has been 
 tempted into creating a very fine sugar estate within two 
 miles of the town, which he started only two years ago, 
 and which is already promising so well that it may be 
 the forerunner of others. The tobacco is brought over 
 from the valley of the Vega and the country round St 
 Jago about forty miles distant, on pony-back ; but there 
 is a talk of a tramway, and also of a railway from 
 Samana Bay up to St Jago, the material for commencing 
 which, I was informed, had already left England, and 
 which is guaranteed by the Government by means of 
 a percentage on the exports from the three principal 
 ports in the island. But the merchants of Porto Plata
 
 198 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 with whom I conversed on the subject, had no confidence 
 in its being a remunerative enterprise — in fact, their 
 tone was one of extreme despondency, and their belief in 
 the Government so small, that they seemed to derive no 
 encouragement from any efforts made by foreigners to 
 develop the resources of the island. They united, how- 
 ever, in giving the country people a good character, so 
 far as their treatment of foreigners is concerned. They 
 throw no obstacles in the way of their settling wher- 
 ever they please ; and they can travel in any direction in 
 the most perfect safety, San Domingo thereby affording 
 a strong contrast to the neighbouring republic of Haiti, 
 where no foreigner can venture into the interior, or even 
 own land, much less settle down among the people as a 
 planter. I walked to Fort San Felippe, from which a 
 glorious view is obtained over the town and harbour — 
 the commerce at the time being represented by two 
 small schooners — and observed an awkward squad of 
 the gallant army of the Eepublic at drill. Their rifles 
 and muskets were of all shapes, sizes, and ages ; they 
 indulged in no sort of uniform, were barefooted and 
 bareheaded, as the case might be, and altogether seemed 
 very appropriate defenders of the antiquated cannon and 
 breast-high wall which constituted this a military strong- 
 hold. San Domingo has now been virtually free from a 
 revolution for the unusually long interval of four years ; 
 but ex-Presidents Baez and Cesario Guiliermo, who reside 
 in the neighbouring island of Porto Eico, keep the pres- 
 ent Government lively by constantly hatching plots for 
 a new revolutionary movement ; and it is not supposed 
 that a Ministerial crisis, which here always takes a
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 199 
 
 sanguinary form, can much longer be delayed. Indeed, 
 only five months before my visit, an expedition organised 
 by Guiliermo had landed in the island ; but the leaders 
 were disappointed in their expectation of receiving pop- 
 ular support, and the great majority of the seventy or 
 eighty men of which the expedition was composed, were 
 either shot or made prisoners. 
 
 The climate of Porto Plata is probably superior to 
 that of any other town in the West Indies. Yellow 
 fever is unknown ; the town always enjoys a fresh sea- 
 breeze during the day ; and even in summer the weather 
 is never oppressively hot. Were the island in the 
 possession of the English, a sanitarium would doubtless 
 be established on the Cibao range of mountains, the 
 loftiest peak of which, Yagua, rises to a height of 7500 
 feet above the level of the sea. It takes scarcely twenty- 
 four hours to run from Porto Plata to San Juan, the 
 chief town of Porto Eico, and the contrast between the 
 two places is very striking. As approached from the 
 sea, San Juan presents, in some respects, a more impos- 
 ing aspect even than Havana. Its massive stately fort, 
 containing handsome well-built barracks and Government 
 buildings, and the lofty mansions of the town itself, 
 surrounded by fortifications which would have been 
 considered strong a few years ago, transport one from 
 the bastard civilisation of the negro republic to that 
 based upon the ancient grandeur of Spain. Indeed, were 
 it not for the coloured population which inhabit the 
 streets, there is nothing to distinguish them from those 
 of a well-built Spanish town. There is the inevitable 
 plaza and cathedral, the palace of the captain -general,
 
 200 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 and the Government offices, the paseo, the mole, and the 
 fortress; there are also the whitewashed two-storeyed 
 houses, with their verandahs and green Venetian shutters, 
 and with the black -eyed senoritas looking between the 
 blinds. With a population of about 32,000, San Juan 
 does a steady trade in sugar, tobacco, and coffee ; and 
 were it not for the grasping policy of the Spanish Gov- 
 ernment, the profound corruption which pervades all 
 classes of the community, and the injustice resulting 
 from it, which drives foreign capital out of the country, 
 the island would become a far more valuable appendage 
 to the mother country than it is. Notwithstanding the 
 commercial importance of the place, there is not a single 
 English house of business in it, and the trade is not 
 increasing. There is a small railway, seven miles long, 
 running to a village in the country — the only railway in 
 the island. Owing to the state of the roads, the cost of 
 conveying the produce of the interior to the coast in 
 cumbrous ox-waggons is very great, but it is not likely 
 that any improvement will take place. The Spanish 
 officials who administer the colony, like those in Cuba, 
 only think of filling their pockets and going back to 
 Spain as speedily as possible, regardless of the interests 
 of the colony itself. The Liberal party, who are very 
 numerous, cherish a profound hatred for Spanish rule in 
 consequence, and would willingly engage in a revolution 
 to-morrow if they thought there was any chance of 
 success ; but the experience of Cuba has not been en- 
 couraging, and the result of free institutions in the hands 
 of Creoles and the coloured population, as illustrated in 
 Haiti and San Domingo, goes to show that the corrup-
 
 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 201 
 
 tion, oppression, bigotry, and egotism of Spain are a 
 lesser evil than the turbulence, sloth, ignorance, and in- 
 capacity of a native administration. The slave popula- 
 tion of Porto Eico, unlike that of Cuba, has been eman- 
 cipated, and certain labour complications have arisen, in 
 cod sequence, to check the progress of the island. How- 
 ever, it compares in population, in the variety of its 
 productions, and in the area of land under cultivation, 
 most favourably with San Domingo, Haiti, and even with 
 Cuba, and is perhaps the most creditable colony under 
 the rule of Spain ; but the more one examines into the 
 productive capacity and resources of these islands, the 
 largest and most fertile of the West Indies, the more 
 insoluble does the problem of their ultimate destiny 
 become. Containing a population of over four millions 
 of inhabitants, of which scarcely a million are " yellows," 
 as the mulattoes call themselves in contradistinction 
 to the " blacks," only a fraction are pure white. The 
 influence of civilisation seems destined to fade before 
 their gradual absorption into semi-barbarous conditions. 
 Sooner or later the fate which has overtaken Haiti and 
 San Domingo will in all probability overtake Cuba, 
 Porto Eico, and possibly even some of our own West 
 India Islands. It seems as though the Nemesis which 
 must inevitably follow the introduction of slavery should 
 be found in the seizure of these islands by the descend- 
 ants of slaves from the posterity of their former masters ; 
 while, by a curious irony of fate, it will be reserved for 
 modern humanitarians to be the instruments of their 
 lapse into barbarism. The only measures which could re- 
 store these favoured regions to wealth and abundance, and
 
 202 THE NEWEST AMERICAN RAILROAD. 
 
 encourage the introduction of capital and enterprise, 
 would be opposed to all popular ideas of philanthropy 
 and justice. Though self - government by the negro 
 means the restoration of cruel fetish rites, even involving 
 cannibalism, as at present practised on certain festivals 
 in Haiti, the hatred and persecution of the white man, 
 and the conversion of cultivated lands into wildernesses, 
 the independence of the negro must not be tampered 
 with ; and any attempt to limit or interfere with it when 
 he has obtained it, or to oppose it when he has not, 
 would be considered a violation of the first principles of 
 political morality. It is possible that, as the population 
 of the United States increases, its Government may take 
 a different view of their duties to the world at large, 
 and resort to the forcible annexation of these tempting 
 undeveloped islands ; but until that or some other 
 equally immoral act takes place, we must be content to 
 watch the gradual lapse into desolation and barbarism of 
 one of the fairest portions of the earth's surface, as the 
 negro race extends its supremacy over regions where, so 
 far as the general interests of humanity are concerned, 
 the aboriginal Indian might just as well have been left 
 undisturbed.
 
 203 
 
 VII. 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 My father was an Irishman and a writer of articles for 
 magazines. I have never written in a magazine or any- 
 thing else myself. My mother I don't remember. She 
 died shortly after my birth. One of my earliest arith- 
 metical efforts consisted in the discovery that I had nine 
 brothers and sisters, concerning whom, as they are all 
 alive and are some of them Fenians, I desire to speak 
 only in complimentary terms. 
 
 I believe publishers did not pay so liberally in those 
 days as I have reason to hope they do now, or possibly 
 my father may have acquired dissolute habits through 
 his contact with literary men ; but from some cause 
 or other I was so slenderly provided with food, cloth- 
 ing, and education, and my home was so inconveniently 
 crowded and uncomfortable, that I left it at the age of 
 fifteen with an outfit consisting of one extra shirt, one 
 ditto pair of socks, a comb, and thirteen-and-sixpence that 
 I borrowed, without alluding to it at the time, from my 
 eldest sister, who was keeping house and acted as treas-
 
 204 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 urer generally, and whose balance in hand consisted of 
 that amount. I have since paid it her back, with inter- 
 est at 7 per cent. As, however, my present purpose in 
 writing is not to dwell upon the varied and striking inci- 
 dents in my own fortunes through life, so much as to 
 portray certain scenes into which its destiny has led me, 
 I will skip over the first twenty years after leaving home, 
 and land myself in a neat white clapboarded house, with 
 green Venetians, and a verandah half round it, situated on 
 a wooded hillside, and commanding a lovely view of a 
 secluded lake about ten miles long and three wide, on the 
 shores of which a few scattered clearings indicate that we 
 are across the Atlantic, and in a part of the country not 
 yet very thickly settled. Nevertheless, we are in one of 
 the eastern States of America, at no very great distance 
 from a city of fifty thousand inhabitants, and can hear 
 the shriek of the engine as the cars stop at the little 
 village at the head of the lake. As to whether that 
 lovely creature with fair hair and blue eyes, and hands 
 so small and white that it is a marvel how she can do so 
 much house-work and preserve them as she does, and 
 a pleasure to look forward to eating the bread they are 
 now kneading, — I say, as to whether this young lady is 
 my wife, or the " chattel," to take the legal English view 
 of her, of that handsome broad-shouldered man unyoking a 
 team at the door of the barn, is a matter in which we three 
 alone are concerned. It does not signify, either, who the 
 farm or the two little chubby children belong to ; the point 
 to which I wish to call my readers' attention is this : Here 
 I am, an Irishman by descent, an Englishman by birth, 
 a citizen of the United States by naturalisation, and of
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 205 
 
 the world by an extended knowledge of it. I confess to 
 only one inveterate prejudice, acquired doubtless from a 
 long residence among pure and simple Asiatics, and this 
 is an intense abomination of, and contempt for, all society 
 calling itself civilised, and especially for that mongrel 
 race of money-grubbers, whether they are located on one 
 side of the Atlantic or the other, which calls itself Anglo- 
 Saxon, and which, to an inordinate conceit, adds an almost 
 inspired faculty for " peddling." If, therefore, the ex- 
 tremely sensitive feelings of my American readers are 
 hurt by this record of my experiences of village life in 
 their country, I only request them to wait until I publish 
 a few observations upon which I am engaged in regard to 
 the commercial morality of London as compared with that 
 of New York, when they will have an opportunity of 
 judging for themselves of my extreme impartiality, and of 
 venting their spleen against England by republishing my 
 very original and uncomplimentary criticisms on that 
 country, and pocketing the entire proceeds of the labour 
 of my brains. I give them fair notice that for every 
 dollar of which I am thus robbed I shall stick a pin into 
 them somewhere ; and people with such very thin skins 
 had better make friends with me in time. I am to be 
 bought. I have not purchased and paid for so many of 
 my fellow-citizens without knowing to a cent what my 
 own price is. My stock-in-trade consists of a certain 
 faculty I have for washing the dirty (" soiled " we call it 
 on this side — " dirty " is considered coarse) linen of the 
 Anglo - Saxon race in public. So much as regards 
 myself. 
 
 The name of my broad - shouldered companion and
 
 206 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 fellow-labourer is Orange Z. Smith. As there are two 
 other Orange Smiths in the neighbourhood, we have to 
 be very particular about the Z, pronounced zee, and not 
 zed, in America, and so taught throughout the schools 
 and colleges of the country. In the case of Orange it 
 does not stand for the first letter of any name, but is 
 simply a distinctive middle initial ; hence it follows that he 
 is popularly known as Orange Zee. When our first little 
 cherub was born we called him Zuyder Zee, out of com- 
 pliment to a Dutch ancestor on his mother's side. I may 
 here remark that my name is also Smith. I dropped my 
 Celtic patronymic and appropriated the English one upon 
 the occasion of my taking the thirteen-and-sixpence from 
 my sister above mentioned. The name of Zuyder Zee's 
 mother is Mary, but she is called " Dollie." All the pet 
 diminutives of female names in the States end in ie, and 
 not in y as in England, perhaps because there is a more 
 refined flavour about ie than about y ; and all Dollie's 
 correspondents address their letters to her, not by the 
 Christian name of her husband, or even by her own Chris- 
 tian name, but tenderly and affectionately as " Mrs Dollie 
 Van Snook Smith," thus as it were inviting the affection- 
 ate sympathy and interest of the clerks in the post-office. 
 So when I was so unfortunate the other day as to upset 
 her out of the buggy and she broke her leg, the editor 
 of the ' Van Snookville Democrat ' touchingly alluded to 
 " the limb of Mrs Dollie Smith, one of the most beau- 
 tiful and highly respected residents of this township." 
 Dollie's grandfather, Van Snook, had been the first settler 
 here, and the town was -called after him. When Zuyder 
 Zee was born I asked Orange Zee whether the event
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 207 
 
 ought not to be announced in the ' Van Snookville Demo- 
 crat,' but he said it would not be considered proper to 
 make any public allusion to the incident ; and I remem- 
 bered afterwards that I never saw a column for births in 
 any American newspaper. Long may it be before our 
 Dollie figures in any other column ! but whenever she 
 does her affectionate relations will stick to the pet dim- 
 inutive, and will announce the departure, not " of Mary, 
 
 wife of Smith," but of " Mrs Dollie Van Snook 
 
 Smith." 
 
 It is not necessary to say how Orange Zee and I first 
 became acquaintances and then friends, and then decided 
 " to go to farming " together, and were attracted to this 
 pretty hillside, and to the immediate neighbourhood of 
 the farm where Dollie was living with her parents. I 
 had to trust to Orange Zee's farming experience in every- 
 thing. My ignorance was so great that he never ceased 
 wondering where I had been " raised." I should like to 
 know how many of my readers know how to drive a nail so 
 as not to split the wood. I think the profound contempt 
 with which Orange Zee regards all Englishmen, to whom 
 he owes his origin, is principally based upon the informa- 
 tion which I gave him that there were actually many 
 people in England who did not know how to drive a nail. 
 Nor does he yet understand — as of course everybody 
 must be constantly wanting to drive nails in England 
 as in America — " what on earth they do, if they don't 
 know how." 
 
 After Orange Zee and I had seen Dollie, and found 
 that the adjoining farm was for sale, we determined to 
 buy it ; and we accordingly went to Dollie's uncle, to
 
 208 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 whom it belonged, and told him that the fences were all 
 out of repair and the house was falling to pieces, and the 
 meadows were all "run out," and that it was a miserable old 
 place " any way," and not worth taking at a gift. Dollie's 
 uncle saw at once from this that we were dying to get 
 hold of the place, and, as he was equally anxious to sell, 
 he said that he had now given up all idea of selling, and 
 intended to " hang on " to it. Orange Zee told me after- 
 wards that the great art of buying and selling was to 
 appear as if you did not want to buy or sell, and always 
 to seem to hang back. So we hung back. As we were 
 boarding with Dollie's parents, I found " hanging back " 
 quite a pleasant occupation. At last one day Dollie's 
 uncle came and said that he had been offered 75 dollars 
 an acre for his farm, and that if we wanted it we had 
 better speak, as he was going to let it go at that. To 
 my surprise, Orange Zee said he had just offered 50 
 dollars an acre for a better farm on the other side of the 
 lake, and expected to get a decided answer from the 
 proprietor to-morrow. I felt quite angry with Orange 
 Zee when I heard this, as I hated the looks of the other 
 side of the lake ; and when Dollie's uncle went away, I 
 told him he might go there if he liked by himself, but 
 that I should continue to " hang back." He laughed at 
 my innocence, and assured me that what he had told 
 Dollie's uncle was only as big a lie as what Dollie's 
 uncle had told him, and " how else could we expect ever 
 to get hold of the farm ? " So then, of course, I said 
 that it was all right, and we went on " hanging back." 
 Finally, we had a talk with Dollie's father on the sub- 
 ject ; and he said that if we would give him a hundred
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 209 
 
 dollars down, and a note of hand at six months for a 
 hundred more in case he succeeded, he would get the 
 farm from his brother at 50 dollars the acre; but in 
 that case we must leave the place for the present and 
 seem to have given up all idea of settling here. Orange 
 Zee told me afterwards that the old man (we always called 
 Dollie's father " the old man ") had held a mortgage over 
 his brother, and by threats of foreclosure forced him to 
 sell. The old man was highly respected and looked up to 
 for many miles round, as being the best horse doctor and 
 the " smartest " man at a trade generally to be found in 
 that part of the country. He was also an elder of the 
 Baptist Church, and exercised a most powerful gift on 
 the occasion of " revivals " and " protracted meetings." 
 AVhen he found out how matters stood between Dollie, 
 Orange Zee, and myself, he got nearly all our money out 
 of us by secret promises of Dollie — first to one, and then 
 to the other ; and nothing but the accident of Dollie her- 
 self taking a decided stand of her own, prevented our 
 being turned out of the house Dollieless and penniless. 
 The whole details of this financially romantic transaction 
 were afterwards reported in the ' Van Snookville Demo- 
 crat ; ' and the old man received a sort of ovation for 
 some time afterwards whenever he entered a store in the 
 village, in compliment to his skill in having thus turned 
 the charms of his Dollie to such good pecuniary account. 
 This did not prevent our having a wedding, which was 
 the occasion of great rejoicing amongst all the members 
 of the church to which Dollie belonged, and which bore 
 grateful testimony to her popularity among the farmers' 
 daughters in the neighbourhood, who flocked to her 
 
 o
 
 210 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 marriage, in very elaborate Parisian toilets, in buggies 
 and spring-waggons, and accompanied by " beaux " the 
 honesty of whose intentions it was refreshing, to one 
 accustomed to less primitive conditions, to contemplate. 
 If I decline, for reasons which may hereafter appear, to 
 say whether Dollie was married to Orange Zee or myself 
 on this auspicious occasion, it is not because either Dollie 
 or her husband have ever since done anything to be 
 ashamed of. Of the purity and simple innocence of our 
 menage there has never been a question. Nor did the 
 fact that one of us had failed to realise his aspirations 
 in respect of this estimable young lady, embitter our 
 home relations. The sceptics in virtue on the other 
 side of the Atlantic may sneer, but I am proud to say 
 that no cloud of jealousy ever disturbed the serenity of 
 our domestic horizon. Nor was the disappointed Smith 
 ever for one instant false to the pure and innocent senti- 
 ment of fraternal affection which bound him to the other 
 two. Indeed I may say that we were (and I trust still 
 are) all three very justly considered models of propriety 
 by the highly moral community of the village. 
 
 The said village consists of a single street, with three 
 churches and a schoolhouse, all facing each other, in 
 a little square in the middle, with pugnacious-looking 
 steeples and a hostile cock to the gables, as though they 
 were all longing to fly at each other. There are three 
 dry-goods stores, and a hardware store, and a drug-store, 
 and a blacksmith's shop, and a billiard saloon, and two 
 taverns, besides grist-mills, saw-mills, carpenters' shops, 
 &c. The population is a genial, good-natured race 
 enough. Everybody is familiarly known by his or her
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 211 
 
 abbreviated Christian name ; and the most minute de- 
 tails of the daily life of every family, and every obscure 
 member of it, are accurately known and carefully dis- 
 cussed at post-time in the store that keeps the post-office, 
 and which serves as a club and resort for idlers generally 
 throughout the day. For although the inhabitants of 
 Van Snookville are a tolerably industrious and prosperous 
 community, they manage to spend a large share of their 
 time in gossip, and find in the ever-varying excitements 
 of politics and religion abundant occasion for quarrel and 
 intrigue. To one not familiar with their habits, their 
 severe language and the harsh judgments they entertain 
 of each other might be supposed to lead to irreconcilable 
 feuds. But this is rarely the case, for the simple reason 
 that an irreconcilable feud is a very unprofitable invest- 
 ment of time and temper ; and men seldom hate each 
 other so much as to interfere with their prospects of 
 being able to cheat one another. Of course the more 
 rich and influential a man is, the more he can afford 
 himself the luxury of a temper. In America, as in 
 England, civility is a marketable commodity ; and I had 
 frequent occasion to remark with admiration that my 
 Van Snookville friends rarely permitted their warmth or 
 indignation of feeling to interfere with their prospective 
 pecuniary interests. 
 
 Orange Zee said that, until we could increase our 
 capital, our best chance of becoming respected in the 
 village would be to join the Methodist Church, and get 
 the better of the old man " on a trade." He has there- 
 fore already become a " class leader ; " and in consequence 
 of certain secret information regarding her father, con-
 
 212 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 veyed to us by Dollie, we see a way by which we shall 
 be enabled to obtain possession of a good deal of the old 
 man's property, without rendering ourselves liable to im- 
 prisonment. We are indebted for the idea to Swomp, 
 the pettifogging lawyer, who is the old man's rival in 
 politics and in piety, and who is to obtain a percentage 
 on the whole amount resulting from the transaction. 
 After we had obtained possession of the farm and of 
 Dollie, we found that it would be necessary to improve 
 our living accommodation ; and instead of building, we 
 determined to buy a ready-made house which was for 
 sale half a mile distant, and move it to our own land— 
 a proceeding which involved a great deal of the process 
 known as " dickering." To " dicker " successfully, one 
 must have a great aptitude for chewing straws and 
 whittling. The great art is to force your opponent to 
 be the first to put a value on the article to be bought or 
 sold. You choose a morning when you are not busy, 
 for it is ruinous to let any indication of anxiety or haste 
 appear. You walk slowly with your opponent to a 
 fence-rail, and both sit leisurely across it, and chew 
 straws thoughtfully. I say opponent, because in one 
 sense every man is your natural enemy — all the mem- 
 bers of the community, whether they are engaged in 
 agriculture, commerce, or politics, being trained from 
 their earliest infancy to prey upon each other's pockets. 
 You find yourself engaged in a gigantic game of grab 
 (which means getting all you can, and giving as little as 
 possible in return), and the weakest goes to the wall. 
 Some win the game as bullies, others as sneaks ; but you 
 have very little chance unless you are either the one or
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 213 
 
 the other. Moreover, it is important to remember that 
 if you do not treat every man with whom you have any 
 dealings upon the assumption that he is both a liar and 
 a rogue, he considers you a fool ; nor is there the least 
 danger of his feelings being wounded by your openly 
 doubting and requiring proof of his most solemn assevera- 
 tions. This entire absence on your part of any gentle- 
 manlike feeling excites his respect for your " smartness," 
 and leads him to doubt equally every statement made 
 by you in return, as the highest compliment he can pay 
 you. I remember my first attempt at a trade was made 
 in Dollie's presence, and what I imagined were feelings 
 of delicacy, she called weakness, and my sense of honour 
 she said was non sense, — a fossil sentiment, which had 
 its origin in ages fitly called " dark," when idiots in 
 armour devoted themselves to the protection of weak- 
 minded women when they might have been making 
 money, and sacrificed their material progress to an 
 abstraction called Chivalry. I explained to Dollie that 
 anions: the Anglo-Saxons on the other side of the Atlantic 
 it was only considered honourable to tell lies when they 
 were necessary to screen the woman you had betrayed ; 
 and that, according to modern ideas of chivalry, it was 
 was not considered important that you should respect 
 the virtue of your friend's wife if you religiously paid 
 him your gambling debts. Nor could I get this obtuse 
 Dollie to admit that the unscrupulous pursuit of dollars 
 by men of business in the New World, was a more de- 
 grading occupation than the unlicensed pursuit of women 
 by men of pleasure in the Old. 
 
 Orange Zee, who has an immense physique, trusts a
 
 214 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 good deal to his overbearing voice and manner in a trade ; 
 and it was amusing to hear him endeavour, by sheer force 
 of will, to extort from little Deacon Brown a price for 
 his house, and to see the little Deacon wriggle, and writhe, 
 and protest that he had not the faintest idea of how much 
 it might be worth, that he had never sold a house in his 
 life before, and that unless Orange Zee would make him 
 an offer, he felt quite powerless and paralysed. At least 
 two hours elapsed before either of them would name a 
 figure. I think it was Orange Zee who, in spite of 
 his browbeating, was forced to name a sum, which so 
 wounded the Deacon's feelings, that he quietly rose 
 and walked off without vouchsafing a word in reply, 
 leaving our big Orange Zee ignominiously chewing his 
 straw. In this game the little Deacon made the first 
 score. It was protracted over many days with varying 
 fortunes, and might finally be considered drawn, as I do 
 not think we paid either too much or too little for the 
 house. 
 
 The next thing was to dicker with the " house-mover " 
 to transfer our new residence bodily on to our farm, which 
 he did for a hundred dollars, with the assistance of an old 
 broken - winded horse, a man, and a boy. The modus 
 operandi is simple enough. You go into the woods and 
 cut clown two trees long enough to pass under the whole 
 length of the building, which is of course of wood. By 
 means of screws the house is raised from its under-pin- 
 ning and placed upon these timbers, which are in their 
 turn placed upon wheels ; the old horse walks round and 
 works a sort of capstan fixed in the middle of the road, 
 and attached by a rope to the house, which moves upon
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 215 
 
 the wheels along planks placed under them as it slowly 
 progresses. Most farmers in America are carpenters as 
 well, and build their own houses without any assistance ; 
 but we were in a hurry, and Orange Zee had too great a 
 contempt for my powers as an assistant for us to under- 
 take it. 
 
 The most expensive operation was the purchase of 
 stock. Twenty-five cows, at from 60 to 80 dollars apiece, 
 made a considerable inroad into what the old man had 
 left of our capital. 
 
 Orange Zee and I work our whole farm of 100 acres 
 without any help. "We have a team for which we paid 
 300 dollars, and a lumber- waggon and a mowing-machine, 
 with ploughs, harrows, and other farm-implements. Dollie 
 has a German " help " called " Lizer," who is not con- 
 sidered worth more than her board until she can speak 
 English. We are consoled for her stupidity by her cheap- 
 ness. She and Dollie milk all the cows, make all the 
 butter, wash all the clothes, bake all the bread, cook all 
 the food, and mend and make a great part of our clothing, 
 to say nothing of looking after the children and the house 
 generally. 
 
 "We have a parlour with some ornaments made with 
 dried " fall " leaves, and some cheap china shepherds and 
 shepherdesses, and a picture worked by Dollie's mamma 
 in worsted - work. This room is kept carefully closed, 
 and its finery covered up, excepting on the monthly occa- 
 sions when Orange Zee, in his capacity of class leader, 
 has a prayer-meeting in it. We live in the kitchen, out 
 of which open two bedrooms, a buttery, a wood-shed, an 
 attic staircase, and a cellar staircase, so that the walls may
 
 216 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 be said to be almost composed of doors. Lizer shares 
 the attic with dried apples and empty trunks. 
 
 The cooking is all done at a stove, not at an open 
 fireplace, a thing never to be seen in an American farm- 
 house. The staple articles of diet are pork and beans, 
 and apple-sauce ; besides which, Dollie is an excellent 
 hand at corn-bread and griddle-cakes. We get up at 
 five, and Orange Zee and I go out and do " the chores " 
 — in other words, attend to the stock, draw water, and 
 make Dollie's fire, chop wood, &c. At six we breakfast, 
 and at mid-day we dine, and at six we have supper and 
 do our " chores " again. The quantity of things Dollie 
 does by machinery is surprising. She washes with a 
 machine, and she dries with a machine, and she sews 
 with a machine, and can knit a pair of stockings in half 
 an hour with a machine, and makes butter with a 
 machine ; and pares apples with a machine ; and she 
 " cans " tomatoes and sweet corn, and preserves black- 
 berries, and saves wood-ashes, and makes soap with 
 " lye " (which is water that has soaked through them), and 
 is a perfect repository of domestic receipts ; aDd turns 
 out on Sunday to go to meeting with a big " chignon " 
 which she calls a " waterfall," and a long train, as neatly 
 chaussde and ganUe as if she lived on the Boulevards 
 instead of on Beaver Lake. How she manages to effect 
 these sudden and entire transformations is only one of 
 the mysteries which attach to Dollie, and are a source 
 of perpetual wonder and admiration to Orange Zee and 
 myself. Then she takes in ' The Bevolution,' and seems 
 to me to have more advanced opinions on " Woman's 
 Bights " than Susan B. Anthony herself ; and she reads
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 217 
 
 ' The Eadical ' regularly, and watches the new develop- 
 ment of the religious idea of Boston with such keen 
 relish that I sometimes suspect she is a secret con- 
 tributor. I verily believe she is corresponding with 
 those two strong-minded opponents of stringent cere- 
 monial observances, Olive Logan and Eleanor Kirke, on 
 the marriage question ; but she does not at present 
 admit either Orange Zee or myself into her reasons for 
 always going to the post-office herself for her letters. 
 We have perfect confidence in her, and are waiting with- 
 out alarm for the results. So long as she is the most 
 efficient house-wife in the county we have no right to 
 complain ; and I believe that it is when she is on her 
 knees scrubbing the floor that her most brilliant inspira- 
 tions come to her, and suggest those abstruse problems 
 of theology with which she occasionally plies Elder 
 Fisher, much to that poor orthodox minister's embarrass- 
 ment. Notwithstanding all which, there is not a Sunday- 
 school teacher in the district (pronounced f/cestrict) 
 more universally respected and beloved ; and no " sewing 
 bees" are so popular as those which our pretty little 
 Mrs Dollie gives alternately with Orange Zee's prayer- 
 meetings in the front parlour. Upon these occasions 
 the neighbouring farmers' wives flock to the manufac- 
 ture of our " pants " and petticoats, and discuss the latest 
 inventions in sewing-machines and theology over an 
 abundant supply of tea. Dollie is a specimen of a new 
 type developed since the race was transplanted to 
 America, and is as peculiar to the soil as are the beavers 
 which used formerly to inhabit our lake ; and I believe, 
 notwithstanding her regular attendance at Elder Fisher's,
 
 218 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 she is surely but silently sapping the foundations of his 
 theology in the minds of a large section of his congre- 
 gation. Like the beavers aforesaid, I sometimes think 
 that Dollie acts entirely by instinct, and without any 
 exercise of the reasoning faculty. She always speaks 
 under some strong, quick impulse, which is irresistible 
 to the listener. A beaver is taught by intuition how to 
 make use of his tail : why should not the same intuition 
 teach a woman how to use her tongue ? The fact that 
 it has never done so yet, does not cause me to despair. 
 Since I have known Dollie I have become sanguine. 
 Orange Zee and I both feel that she is rapidly develop- 
 ing us into something, but we don't yet know into what. 
 Time will show. 
 
 Meantime, like Dollie, we do as much farm-work as 
 we can by machinery too. We have a- sowing-machine 
 and a mowing-machine and a reaping-machine. In the 
 hot haying-time we mow before breakfast, and rake and 
 cure our hay with horse-rakes and tedders, and load it 
 by a patent process on to our waggon, and get our bright 
 " Timothy " into our barn with another patent thing like 
 a harpoon, the same afternoon. Think of that, you poor 
 befogged farmers of the old country ! The amount of 
 hay that we two can cut, cure, and mow away in one 
 day, is so great that I shall not mention it, lest you 
 should imagine that I had been born as well as natural- 
 ised in America. We never stack it outside, and have a 
 hay-press of our own, which we work, as we do most 
 things, by horse-power, and press for our neighbours as 
 well. We have a horse-power threshing-machine also, 
 with which we thresh our neighbours' grain at from four
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 219 
 
 to eight cents a bushel, and make a good thing of it ; 
 and by killing all our calves two days after they are 
 born, and sending all our milk to the cheese -factory, 
 we are able to contribute to the large cargoes of 
 cheeses which annually cross the Atlantic for con- 
 sumption in the British Isles. What old fogies you 
 British farmers are not to kill your calves, and so save 
 the milk ! 
 
 Then Orange Zee can do almost anything he wants 
 with a plough and team : he has surface-drained all our 
 farm with open ditches three feet deep with the plough 
 alone. As for me, all my most brilliant inspirations in 
 regard to agriculture have been suggested by the re- 
 markable farming experiences published by Mr Horace 
 Greeley in the columns of the ' Tribune.' I believe, in 
 spite of Orange Zee's knowledge, we should have been 
 repeatedly ruined, had it not been for the original ideas 
 we derived from the lucubrations of that truly great 
 man. Indeed, as I can't be of much assistance to Orange 
 Zee by my practical knowledge, I endeavour to make up 
 for it theoretically by studying the rural ' New-Yorker,' 
 'The Country Gentleman,' and other agricultural journals. 
 Had I been allowed to have my own way, I should 
 have invested in a variety of advantageous patents, and 
 experimented upon a large scale with all the numerous 
 varieties of oats, potatoes, tomatoes, and other produce 
 which are warranted to make the fortunes of farmers 
 courageous enough thus judiciously to risk their capital. 
 Among the varied occupations of Orange Zee, however, 
 he had passed a year of his life peddling patent rights, 
 and the information he had thus acquired in regard to
 
 220 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 their value induced him invariably to prohibit my ever 
 buying one. This was a great trial to me, for scarcely a 
 week passed without some eloquent traveller calling, and 
 offering for a few dollars the exclusive right to make 
 and sell in the county stoves warranted to season as 
 well as cook meat ; or fences which were cheaper and 
 more durable than either wood or iron ; or clothes-pegs 
 which possessed the remarkable property of drying the 
 clothes as well as of attaching them to the lines ; or 
 lightning-rods, which not only protected the house from 
 lightning, but- bottled up the electricity for private con- 
 sumption ; — besides many other ingenious contrivances 
 which marked the fertility of the American brain. In 
 fact I feel sure that, had it not been for Orange Zee, we 
 might have become proprietors of many exclusive privi- 
 leges which would have secured us a comfortable inde- 
 pendence for our lives. I was confirmed in my opinion 
 of my own good judgment and ability in these matters 
 by overhearing myself spoken of one day as a " good, 
 clever sort of fellow." As Dollie made the same remark 
 in regard to the stupidest man in the neighbourhood, I 
 afterwards discovered that a " clever fellow " signified 
 here a " good-natured fool." After this personal applica- 
 tion it was natural that the violent transformation which 
 English words undergo after crossing the Atlantic should 
 rouse my indignation. I once seemed to plunge a whole 
 supper-table into a douche-bath, because I remarked that 
 a species of porridge called Graham Mush was " nasty." 
 I do not yet know the exact meaning of this awful word, 
 but it is evidently something more than the opposite of 
 nice ; and certain it is, that this cock-and-bull account
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 221 
 
 of farm-life in America will be called there a " Iiooster- 
 and-Ox " story. 
 
 Besides our agricultural operations, we are called upon 
 as good citizens to devote some of our attention to poli- 
 tics. The election of the town officers every year is an 
 occasion of great excitement and intrigue. It is here 
 that the youthful American mind acquires the rudiments 
 of that exalted statesmanship which finds its full fruition 
 in the adroit achievement of great State or national 
 financial frauds. A " State " in America is divided into 
 counties and towns ; the towns are in fact rural districts, 
 each one large enough for half-a-dozen ordinary English 
 country parishes ; in each town there may be one or 
 more villages or hamlets, though the villages, properly 
 so called, require charters of incorporation giving them 
 municipal officers and independent local government. 
 Where there is no such village incorporation, the town 
 chooses annually its own officers : these consist of town 
 supervisor, road commissioner, sheriff, constables, &c. 
 Politics may thus be said to be brought into the minutest 
 details of every man's daily life. 
 
 For instance, Orange Zee, vowing vengeance against 
 the old man, Dollie's father, and being also animated by 
 the desire to attain the first round of the ladder by which 
 he might possibly ultimately climb to the presidential 
 chair at Washington, determined to put himself forward 
 as the Iiepublican candidate for the exalted office of town 
 constable. In pursuance of which design Orange Zee 
 donned his go-to-meeting coat, and after consulting 
 Swomp, who was going himself to run for supervisor on 
 the Republican ticket, drove to several of the leading
 
 222 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 Eepublican farmers, and announced to them that he had 
 been so urgently pressed by his friends to have his name 
 put upon the ticket as constable, that he had' reluctantly 
 consented, and that he would consider it a favour if they 
 would support him. Meantime Swomp having held a 
 private caucus of his friends at one of the " stores " in 
 the village, decided upon the list of officers which they 
 would offer to the Eepublican party in opposition to 
 the list headed by the old man, who comes forward as 
 Eepublican candidate in opposition to Swomp. A few 
 days after, all the Eepublicans in the town rally to the 
 Eepublican tavern, where Swomp's supporters hand each 
 arrival a ticket containing his own name at the top, and 
 Orange Zee's name at the bottom ; and the old man's 
 supporters hand each arrival a list with his name at 
 the top : on receiving which the voters plunge into an 
 inner room reeking with humanity, smoke, and profanity, 
 where all the respective candidates and their supporters 
 are struggling round a table, at which are seated the 
 scrutineers ; and after a day of confusion and excitement, 
 Swomp's supporters announce triumphantly that they 
 have carried their ticket, and Orange Zee returns to our 
 longing arms covered with dust and glory, and smelling 
 of whisky. But this is only a preliminary stage. The 
 Democrats go through the same form a few days after- 
 wards, and then both political parties having thus decided 
 on their tickets, try issues with each other. It is only 
 to be expected that a number of the old man's supporters, 
 disgusted with their defeat, vote Democratic ; but then a 
 number of Democrats on the same ground vote Eepub- 
 lican, — so the one set of malcontents about balances the
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 223 
 
 other. Still the issue is as uncertain as it is in England, 
 because a vote in America is worth as much money as it 
 is in England, though it is only for the State, or United 
 States Legislatures, that they are worth paying for in 
 money : in their local elections the consideration is 
 various, and may be illustrated by Orange Zee's own 
 proceedings. He having a marvellous faculty for diving 
 into the private affairs of his fellow-townsmen, went to 
 some who had large amounts owing to them, and pro- 
 mised, if they would vote for him, to collect their debts 
 in his capacity of constable, and charge them nothing 
 for it ; and he went to others who he knew were over- 
 whelmed with debts, and promised that if they would 
 vote for him he would always give them warning before 
 he came to distrain, so as to enable them to convey their 
 goods away in time : in fact, Orange Zee managed so to 
 impress people with the extent of the powers which he 
 could wield to benefit those who voted for him, and to 
 injure his opponents, that many who voted Democratic 
 scored out the constables nominated on their own ticket, 
 and substituted Orange Zee's name. 
 
 Thus it happened that although the Democratic ticket 
 was finally elected, and Swomp and the old man both 
 defeated, Orange Zee came in triumphantly at the tail of 
 the Democrats — thus in these early days proving politi- 
 cal capacity of a very high order, and inspiring both 
 Dollie and me with great expectations for the future. I 
 did not then know that Orange Zee had begun life as a 
 boot-black in the lobby at Albany, and thus at a tender 
 age had imbibed, as it were, through the soles of eminent 
 politicians, those first principles which he was turning to
 
 224 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 such excellent account. Where life is one gigantic sys- 
 tem of barter, one of the earliest lessons to be learnt is, 
 how much one's social position, political influence, profes- 
 sional knowledge, and religious standing, are severally 
 worth " on a trade." 
 
 Take the case of Gouge, who was elected democratic 
 town supervisor against Swomp and the old man. Gouge 
 was a director of the Van Snookville and Boghole Branch 
 Eailway. The V.S. and B.B.E. is Democratic ; no Repub- 
 lican conductors, porters, and brakesmen need apply. At 
 the State elections the V.S. and B.B.E. vote Democratic 
 to a man ; and the nomination of the Democratic candi- 
 date for our Congressional district may practically be said 
 to rest with the President and Board of the V.S. and 
 B.B.E. Gouge had been first a porter, then a conductor, 
 and finally had run a wild-cat on said railway with such 
 success that he was promoted to station-master. To run 
 a wild-cat for any length of time on a single line without 
 an accident, recpiires both skill and daring. A wild-cat 
 is a sort of extra goods train that has no stated times for 
 running, but dodges from one station to another between 
 the regular trains whenever the line happens to be vacant, 
 and the engineer thinks he can reach the next station 
 before any train leaves it, and go fast enough not to be 
 overtaken by the lightning express behind him. Meta- 
 phorically, Gouge had run a wild-cat all his life ; he had 
 a wonderful faculty of dodging past people on his upward 
 career. He knew so well the value of his position as 
 station-master, that though his salary was only a thou- 
 sand dollars a-year, he managed by dexterous trading to 
 exchange the information, opportunities, and power which
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 225 
 
 his position gave him, for over twenty thousand dollars 
 in two years. Gouge it was who saw how much money 
 was to be made by a hotel at the depot ; and he sent for 
 his brother, who was a hotel -keeper, and promised to 
 secure the privilege of the hotel to him, on condition that 
 he should receive a share of the profits ; and so he in- 
 troduced Gouge junior to the President, who saw no 
 objection to the scheme, provided he had another share 
 in the profits. So the President and the two Gouges 
 share the profits of the hotel between them. In the same 
 way he secured a valuable railway contract for the lead- 
 ing Democrat in Yan Snookville, upon the understanding 
 that he should command the whole vote whenever he 
 required it, a few refractory Democrats being " squared " 
 with small shares in the contract, and the whole helping 
 to swell the political influence of the President of the 
 V.S. and B.B.Pi., who received besides a large pecuniary 
 share in the profits of the contract. And so Gouge 
 quietly slipped with his twenty thousand dollars from 
 being station-master into the proprietorship of the ' Van 
 Snookville Democrat,' which paper he worked so success- 
 fully for the interest of the railway and the Democratic 
 party in general, and himself in particular, that when the 
 Van Snookville National Bank was started, the voice of 
 public opinion unanimously pointed to Gouge as Presi- 
 dent ; and Gouge finding himself, to use his own words, 
 " reluctantly forced into this position of responsibility 
 and prominence by his appreciative fellow - townsmen " 
 (who are by this time so completely cowed by him, that 
 they are afraid to call their souls their own), runs that 
 flourishing institution, the First National Bank of Van 
 
 P
 
 226 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 Snookville, as he did the wild-cat, entirely for his own 
 benefit. Is there any wonder therefore that, though the 
 majority of the population of Van Snookville is Kepubli- 
 can, by some mysterious dispensation the vote of the town 
 is always largely Democratic ? for could not Gouge, who 
 is President of the First National Bank, Director of the 
 V.S. and B.B.E., town supervisor, proprietor of the ' Van 
 Snookville Democrat/ part proprietor of the Van Snook- 
 ville Eailway Hotel, and joint owner with his son, who 
 " runs it," of the principal store in the village, with one 
 half of the population in debt to his bank, and the other 
 half dependent in some form or other on the V.S. and 
 B.B.E., — could not Gouge, I say, bring such terrific pres- 
 sure to bear upon any luckless individual who ventured 
 to thwart his sovereign will, that life in Van Snookville 
 would be a burden to him ? If Gouge wants to force a 
 public road across a man's field, all he has to do is to tell 
 the judge, who owes his election to Gouge's influence, that 
 he had better appoint assessors prepared to " lay " the road 
 thus, and do his (Gouge's) will, or he need never more 
 hope to dispense justice in that neighbourhood. Gouge's 
 life seems bent on the invention of political and social 
 screws, and instruments of moral torture ; and as all the 
 functionaries are elected, and he practically controls the 
 elections, he manages to work the electors and the elected 
 against each other with such adroitness, that the power 
 he wields may be said to be absolute. Providentially 
 Gouge drinks ! Van Snookville, as ungrateful as her rival 
 Paris, to the man to whom she owes, if not her beauty, 
 at least her prosperity, — Van Snookville, less bold than 
 her " irreconcilable " sister, is afraid to vote " no " against
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 227 
 
 her oppressor, but finds a grateful solace in the consolatory- 
 reflection that he drinks. For a week at a time whisky- 
 renders Gouge unable to rule over us. Then Swomp, who is 
 perpetual arch-grand knight of the Good Templars, rallies 
 his sons of temperance, and the leading church members 
 enter into deep mysterious conclave as to the best means 
 of ridding themselves from the hated yoke of Gouge. 
 
 The old man and Swomp sink their religious and trad- 
 ing animosities to combine against the common enemy; 
 and a holy alliance is formed between the Methodists 
 and Baptists, which results in the announcement that 
 Splurge, the great revivalist preacher, will shortly arrive, 
 to quicken the slumbering consciences of the Van Snook- 
 villeites ; and the junior members of the community, of 
 both sects and sexes, look forward with some little flutter 
 of excitement to the prospect of " a protracted meeting," 
 and unlimited opportunities of flirtation. It is hoped 
 that by a tremendous effort of religion and morality 
 Gouge may be crushed. I did not take any part in the 
 revival myself, because Dollie did not approve of it, and 
 she only allowed Orange Zee to go because he said he 
 ought to be there in his capacity of town constable ; but 
 his real object was to act as spy upon Swomp and the 
 old man, and report their machinations against Gouge, to 
 that accomplished operator and boon-companion. Orange 
 Zee, you see, did not believe that the great Gouge could 
 be crushed, even by a Splurge, although that distinguished 
 divine likened him to a roaring lion seeking whom he 
 could devour, and called upon his hearers to " flee from 
 him and his contracts, and his newspaper, and his hotel, 
 and his store, and all his works."
 
 228 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 During the fortnight that the protracted meeting- 
 lasted, all farming operations were suspended. It took 
 place at a season of the year when work was not press- 
 ing, and day after day waggon-loads of old and young of 
 both sexes, in their Lest costume, drove up alternately 
 to the Methodist and Baptist churches ; and the voice 
 of Splurge might be heard for some distance down the 
 village street exhorting his hearers to come forward to 
 " the mourners' bench." Here those who had been most 
 powerfully acted upon made their confession and their 
 profession, and from that time forward they were said to 
 have " got " or " experienced religion." The exact num- 
 ber of persons who " got religion " during this visit of 
 Splurge's was afterwards published among those interest- 
 ing heart-statistics, if I may be allowed the phrase, winch 
 are to be found in those spare columns which the re- 
 ligious journals do not devote to abusing each other. It 
 is quite an interesting study to turn over a file of these, 
 and add up the total of broken and contrite hearts that 
 have resulted during the year from the labours of the 
 various Splurges all over the country, and to read how 
 bitter these rival Splurges sometimes get with one another, 
 and how jealous of each other's special gifts, and how 
 furious are the feuds which arise from the difficulty of 
 sharing the spoil. Even now the war which resulted 
 from the Van Snookville revival is still raging, for 
 Swomp declared that the old man had persuaded a num- 
 ber of those who intended to " experience " Methodist 
 religion, to join the Baptist Church ; whereas it had 
 been clearly understood, before Splurge's arrival, that all 
 the broken hearts he made were to be divided ecpially
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 229 
 
 between the two denominations ; but the fact is, on a 
 trade, whether it be in human consciences or anything 
 else, the old man is always more than a match for 
 Swomp. 
 
 The practical inconvenience of this revival was, that 
 its influence was not confined to quickening the con- 
 sciences only of those who benefited by it ; they seemed 
 to get quicker all over. One young man, before he got 
 religion, with whom I was dickering for a horse, posi- 
 tively assured me he had paid 200 dollars for it, and 
 could not sell it to me for less. Our trade was inter- 
 rupted by Splurge for a fortnight, and at the end of it 
 he had undergone the quickening process, and swore as 
 positively he had paid 245 dollars for the animal. 
 
 This is only one illustration. I did not know of a 
 single instance of greater honesty in trade after the 
 revival than before it. It never once seemed to occur to 
 two men of contrite spirit to say to each other, " Come 
 now, we have persistently thought everything worth 
 whatever we could get for it, irrespective of its intrinsic 
 value, and have considered false representation in regard 
 to articles we had for sale a merely venial offence ; let 
 us, now that we have got religion, never try to get more 
 for anything than it is honestly worth." If even Splurge 
 cannot venture to recommend people when they are asked 
 for their coats to give their cloaks also, without extin- 
 guishing himself and his popularity as an imparter of the 
 Christian religion for ever, let him, at least, suggest that 
 when a man asks for your coat, you should not turn upon 
 him and strip him naked as an evidence of Christian 
 " smartness." my dear Splurge, I am sorry to have to
 
 230 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 tell you that my experience has been that the sooner 
 men get over the effects of your labours on their con- 
 sciences, the more I like to deal with them ; and I would 
 also venture to suggest that it is very difficult to give to 
 others what you have not got yourself. 
 
 Orange Zee did not get religion, but he got a good 
 deal of useful information, by the dexterous management 
 of which he hopes to increase his social and political in- 
 fluence, and thus rise to higher spheres of usefulness. 
 
 I do not mean to divulge what these are — in fact I 
 am at this moment interrupted by a piece of intelligence 
 which for a time will disturb our domestic arrangements, 
 and which involves to no small degree the future happiness 
 both of Orange Zee and myself. I have before alluded 
 to the remarkably philosophical and speculative character 
 of Dollie's mind, and that we have both been conscious 
 that her advanced habits of thought were not unlikely to 
 produce a strong influence upon us. She has just im- 
 parted to us the important discovery that she .has married 
 the wrong Smith. I need not say that we saw it both 
 in the same light instantly. Why it never flashed upon 
 us before during the last five years it is useless to 
 attempt to inquire. It was the real solution of a .great 
 domestic problem, which, like Columbus's egg, we had 
 missed from its extreme simplicity. 
 
 As the laws of divorce in the State in which we are 
 now residing interfere in the most absurd and arbitrary 
 manner with the private matrimonial arrangements of its 
 citizens, we have determined at once to proceed to the 
 more enlightened State of Indiana, and have telegraphed 
 to have the preliminary measures taken : this will enable
 
 DOLLIE, AND THE TWO SMITHS. 231 
 
 us to start to-morrow. Dollie, who has made herself 
 acquainted with the whole course of proceedings, assures 
 us that in that State the ceremony of divorce by mutual 
 consent will not occupy above half an hour, and she 
 then wishes to jDroceed to New York to have the 
 marriage ceremony performed by at least two leading 
 liberal divines. She is strongly inclined in favour of 
 Mr Ward Beecher and Mr Frothingham. She says she 
 does not care so much about the mere ceremony, but 
 she wishes to commit those influential men to a great 
 principle. Orange Zee asked her stupidly whether she 
 thought it likely she would ever change back again. 
 Dollie, of course, told him to mind his own business. 
 Orange Zee said he thought it was his business ; but his 
 mind is so little able to rise above the ordinary interests 
 of everyday life, that we never attend to what he says 
 on these more profound questions. Whether I am the 
 Smith from whom Dollie is going to be divorced, or the 
 Smith to whom she is going to be married, is not a 
 matter of the smallest interest to my readers. I may 
 tell them what happens to us in Indiana and New 
 York, or I may not, on some future occasion ; but I can't 
 know till it is over whether it will be worth telling. 
 Meantime, of this the public may rest assured, that 
 Orange Zee, Dollie, and I, all have the strongest possible 
 affection, esteem, and admiration for each other, and are 
 all profoundly indifferent to anything the world may 
 think of us.
 
 232 
 
 VIII. 
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN THE NINETEENTH 
 
 CENTURY 
 
 If there is one sentiment that one hears more constantly 
 repeated than another by the British tourist nowadays, 
 it is that he " hates to travel without an object." He 
 begins well enough, but in the course of time the objects 
 become exhausted, and he wanders about the world Uas6 
 and discontented, or ceases to wander at all. I found my- 
 self fast approaching this stage, when I encountered a 
 series of adventures which have provided me with an 
 interest for life, and suggested to me an occupation which 
 has enabled me to prove a blessing to a large and yearly- 
 increasing class of my fellow- creatures. 
 
 I remarked that in almost every country I had visited, 
 I had been preceded by some unprotected female tourist, 
 who had inspired terror and dismay by the sternness of 
 her aspect, her thirst for information, and her invincible 
 determination to engage in impracticable or dangerous 
 enterprises. I had frequently witnessed the panic pro- 
 duced in a foreign community by the announcement that
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN NINETEENTH CENTURY. 233 
 
 a literary spinster was expected to arrive, and perceived 
 that the prejudices excited against her were so strong 
 that when she did make her appearance she would be 
 without a friend. When I came calmly to consider this 
 state of affairs, all the chivalrous instincts of my nature 
 became aroused, and I determined to travel about the 
 world, as the professed protector and champion of this 
 strong-minded but misunderstood class of persons. When 
 I say that I am not afraid to face one of them quite 
 alone in a savage country, I am aware that I lay claim 
 to a very high order of courage ; and if I go on to assert 
 that I would even go out of my way to meet such an 
 individual — that I extremely enjoy as much of her 
 society as she will condescend to bestow upon me — the 
 fact that most of my readers will consider this mere 
 empty swagger shall not deter me from describing the 
 qualities which so eminently adapt me for my present 
 noble mission. 
 
 There is no greater delusion than to imagine that 
 these ladies can take care of themselves ; circumstances 
 are of necessity constantly arising in which they are 
 utterly helpless, and all the consolation they then get is, 
 " Serve them right ! what business has a woman to go 
 poking her nose into such places by herself ? of course 
 she will get into scrapes." Decidedly, thought I, I will 
 become a Knight-errant of the Nineteenth Century ; and 
 immediately I started off in chase of poor Ida Pfeififer. 
 I followed her to India, Ceylon, and the Straits, till she 
 finally beat me in Borneo. Then I turned my attention 
 to the authoress who writes a book about a country and 
 calls herself " The Englishwoman." And here, again, I
 
 234 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 would remark casually, that, from my constant associa- 
 tion with these remarkable and interesting specimens of 
 their sex, many of the most striking features of my own 
 style have been derived. For instance, now and then I 
 find it has a tendency towards egotism. Frequently I 
 enter into very profound disquisitions upon subjects I 
 don't the least understand, nor do I think it necessary to 
 dive very deeply into questions which present themselves 
 for consideration, or to verify the accuracy of statements 
 furnished to me by good-natured informants. Thus, even 
 when I am profound I am amusing, and those who most 
 thoroughly appreciate my descriptions of the countries I 
 have visited are the inhabitants themselves. 
 
 There is hardly a country now left for the English- 
 woman to write about. There is ' The Englishwoman in 
 America,' ' The Englishwoman in Italy,' ' The English- 
 woman in Turkey,' ' The Englishwoman in Eussia ' — not 
 the same Englishwoman of course, though of the same 
 genus. Nor must it be supposed that because I am 
 devoted to their service I am blind to their faults and 
 peculiarities. From long experience I know them now 
 at a glance. They all sketch, most of them are short- 
 sighted, and wear thick boots and spectacles, and tight 
 ulsters. The younger ones are reserved, the older ones 
 gushing. Their desire for knowledge is alarming to the 
 slenderly-educated peoples among whom they travel, and 
 who, rather than appear ignorant, invent copiously. They 
 are constantly guilty of perpetrating acts which, in the 
 opposite sex, would be accounted " cool ; " and a certain 
 faculty of taking people by storm, and putting them at 
 once into servitude, insures them the best possible letters
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 235 
 
 of introduction to the next place. The victim, in order 
 to achieve his freedom, overwhelms his fair guest with 
 these epistolary recommendations, and chuckles, as he 
 waves his hand to her in final adieu, over the sufferings 
 he has prepared for his unsuspecting friend. The Eng- 
 lishwoman's strong point is society : this she gener- 
 ally describes graphically and well ; nothing escapes her, 
 except that she is considered a bore. Her weak point 
 is science, and consequently she is devoted to it, and 
 goes about with a geological hammer and a botanical 
 dictionary. For many weeks my vocation obliged me to 
 attach myself to " The Englishwoman in Venezuela." 
 She has written a charming book since, in which I am. 
 honourably mentioned by the first letter of my name as 
 authority for her somewhat ungrammatical statement that 
 " in this country the woods are infested by a peculiar 
 sort of serpent who milk the cows, which accounts for 
 the scarcity of this article." It is now some years ago. 
 As nearly as I can calculate, she was fifty-one ; I was 
 twenty-four. She was my second " Englishwoman." We 
 were in a very out-of-the-way part of the world, driving 
 in a cart of the country, discussing the origin of species. 
 This was many years before Darwin's book, and I have 
 no doubt now where he got his ideas from. She had her 
 sketch-book, her umbrella, her hammer, and her botany- 
 book with her. We were alone in the cart. In fact, it 
 was our habit to take these tete-a-tete drives, and when 
 we came to a pretty view she would scramble out, ad- 
 just her spectacles, cut her pencils, perch herself on the 
 smoothest point of stone she could find, and set to work. 
 When it rained I stood near, holding the horse with one
 
 236 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 hand and the umbrella over her with the other. Then 
 she would finish her sketch, chip off the point of rock 
 upon which she had been sitting with her hammer, and 
 put it into a bag full of stones which she used to pick 
 up and I used to carry, and then we would jog home — 
 she to an entertainer upon whom she had quartered her- 
 self ; I to a miserable inn. Well, upon the occasion to 
 which I allude, I parted from her rather abruptly. We 
 Avere skirting the edge of a vast forest, when suddenly 
 she saw a fern. As usual she dived into the wood after 
 the " specimen." Then calling to me that she saw another 
 further on, she vanished in its gloomy recesses. In 
 about half an hour it came on to rain heavily. I could 
 not leave the cart and horse to go in search of her, so I 
 shouted violently. This exercise I continued for half an 
 hour more, and then, feeling damp, got under the cart, 
 and squatted within six inches of the horse's heels for 
 another hour ; then it got dark. I felt she had been 
 lost in the wood, and wrung my hands in despair. It was 
 not so much that I thought her host would miss her, 
 as the dreadful fate I pictured would overtake her. 
 The forest abounded in wild animals. It was almost 
 pathless ; there were no habitations nearer than a vil- 
 lage, from which we were separated by a river. As 
 the country sloped down into a valley, I thought it 
 not impossible she might endeavour to find her way 
 by following the watercourses, and so I despondingly 
 struggled along a muddy track towards the stream. It 
 had become swollen by the rain, and the rushing of the 
 torrent in the dusk was not an encouraging sound. 
 Tying up the horse to a tree, I followed down the bank
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 237 
 
 of the stream through wet tangled brushwood, giving 
 periodically the shrill yell known to Indians by clapping 
 my hand rapidly before my open mouth. To my intense 
 relief I heard it answered by a plaintive cry, and following 
 the sound I discovered Miss Smith — the Englishwoman 
 is almost invariably unmarried — seated on a prostrate 
 log, clinging tenaciously to a bundle of ferns, with her 
 face marked with broad streaks of black loam, the result 
 of rain, tears, and muddy fingers. When she threw her- 
 self into my arms with a cry of gratitude and relief, and 
 burst into an agony of tears on my shoulder, I felt 
 a glow of chivalrous enthusiasm. I was accomplishing 
 my mission to protect the unprotected ; to be the stay 
 and solace of that " Englishwoman " who created terror 
 and dismay in society, but who was clinging to me now 
 like a girl of sixteen ; and I felt it was not " gushing " 
 — it was genuine downright emotion. Tenderly I bore 
 her along, for she was scratched and torn by struggling 
 through brambles, and even the thick ulster and stout 
 laced boots had suffered. For years, probably, this 
 strong-minded woman had vanquished weakness. No 
 other man, since that early history which I suppose she 
 had in common with all of us, had ever seen her break 
 down but myself ; but to me, in a thousand little 
 acts, she revealed her womanhood. We gave up talking 
 philosophy and science ; indeed she did little else but 
 sob; and I revelled in the triumph of a situation I had 
 hardly earned. When we reached the cart we pushed 
 the old horse into the stream, but it was rapid, and I 
 missed the ford in the dark, so he was carried oil' his 
 legs, and the cart was upset. Fortunately, though deep,
 
 238 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 the river was narrow, and after whirling round two or 
 three times I brought up on the shelving bank of shingle, 
 one hand tightly clutching a handful of petticoat that I 
 had seized at the critical moment. Our bath had the 
 effect of washing my fair companion's face, and subduing 
 her even more than she had been before the last episode. 
 Meekly she draggled and stumbled after me, weighed 
 down with the burden of her drenched habiliments. 
 Geological collection, sketch-book, ferns, all had gone 
 down the stream with the horse and cart, and nothing- 
 was ever found after, except the vehicle and the drowned 
 animal in the shafts. At last, after more than an hour's 
 wandering along a barely discernible footpath, from 
 which we often strayed, and to find which I was some- 
 times obliged to feel with my hands, we heard the 
 cheering sound of a dog's bark, and soon after saw 
 the welcome glimmer of a light. It was a small native 
 hut ; and never did wattle and dab walls, a thatch of 
 leaves, and a floor of cow-dung, offer a more grateful 
 sight to benighted and famished mortals. An old man 
 and woman were its sole tenants, and the accommoda- 
 tion consisted but of one apartment, one side of which 
 was occupied by the fire — the smoke curled about over 
 our heads, and found its way out between the leaves 
 of the thatch as best it could. There were over- 
 hanging eaves so deep as almost to form a verandah 
 all round to protect the walls. The costume of our en- 
 tertainers consisted of nothing but petticoats reaching 
 from the waist to the ankles ; the man's was drawn up 
 between his legs, and the end tucked in at the small 
 of his back. The old woman's hung down. She wore
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 239 
 
 nothing above her waist. It was absolutely necessary 
 that we should get rid of our drenched garments ; but 
 the difficulty was what to put on, and how to put it 
 on. It was evident that we were destined to pass the 
 night here. The black darkness, the fearful storms that 
 threatened to carry away the little cottage bodily, our 
 own exhaustion, rendered the idea of going further 
 impossible ; besides, we might fare worse. "What we 
 wanted was, first, to dry ourselves ; second, to fill our- 
 selves ; third, to rest ourselves. Some bruised Indian 
 corn was being kneaded with milk into a paste ; some 
 chickens running about suggested the idea of a boiled 
 fowl and eggs. I also espied some honey in a honey- 
 comb, so I mixed the milk, eggs, Indian corn, and honey 
 in one pot, and put the fowl into some hot water in 
 another, and then recurred to the difficult subject of 
 attire ; for by this time our teeth were chattering, and 
 fever and ague were becoming imminent. In spite of 
 my companion being strong-minded, I had some difficulty 
 in inducing her to entertain the idea of divesting herself 
 entirely of her dripping clothing, and of appearing in 
 a costume improvised out of the materials which our 
 semi-civilised entertainers could supply. At last she 
 consented to judge of the nature of the experiment by 
 the result as illustrated by myself. I therefore retired 
 from the interior of the cabin, and, standing under the 
 dripping eaves, took off my wet raiment. I found that 
 the old man's petticoat, which was not unlike what the 
 Malays call a sarong, only reached a little below my 
 knee ; the second petticoat I threw round my shoulders, 
 somewhat after the fashion of a plaid, leaving the arms
 
 240 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 free. Thus attired, and feeling I represented a pretty- 
 fair combination of the Scotch shepherd and the Eoman 
 gladiator, I re-entered the cabin with as much dignity 
 as circumstances permitted me to assume. Miss Smith 
 had taken off her spectacles in anticipation of too great 
 a shock, and I was thus enabled, so to speak, to break 
 myself to her gradually. So much encouraged was she 
 by the modesty of my aspect, and so wretchedly uncom- 
 fortable did she feel in her then plight, that she requested 
 me to take the old man back with me under the eaves, 
 while she performed her toilet under the supervision of 
 his wife. It was like a game where you are told to go 
 out of a room and come back when they are all ready. 
 In a quarter of an hour the old woman summoned me, 
 and I found my fair friend swaddled like a mummy ; 
 not a vestige of her skin, except her face, was visible 
 anywhere. So clumsily had she arranged it that both 
 her hands were occupied holding her things together 
 from the inside ; thus the appearance she presented was 
 irreproachable so long as she remained still, but the 
 slightest movement was attended with the most frightful 
 risk. One of the most delightful sensations I ever ex- 
 perienced was feeding this dear creature with mouthfuls 
 of tough boiled chicken and Indian-corn pudding, and 
 then holding to her lips a huge can of water, the only 
 drinking utensil in the establishment, and supporting 
 her head with one hand as she tilted it gently back. 
 Then I put on her spectacles for her, and finally tied a 
 line in front of the fire, upon which I strung all her 
 garments as well as my own, after which I helped her 
 to bed. This, however, is a figure of speech. I should
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 241 
 
 more properly say to " hammock." The task of hoisting 
 her gracefully into it without disarranging her wrappers, 
 was one of the most difficult operations I ever performed. 
 We slung her in a corner by herself, near the fire, and 
 the old man and his wife and I huddled together on the 
 floor, in the other utmost extremity. In spite of an airy 
 feeling about the legs, and a virulent attack from fleas, 
 I slept so soundly and so far on into the morning, that 
 I found my friend dressed in her own garments and 
 looking quite blooming ; but there was an expression of 
 shy timidity on her face which was quite foreign to it. 
 I, on the contrary, who am constitutionally modest, 
 swaggered about in my short petticoat, and felt every 
 inch a true errant knight. 
 
 I have frequently met Miss Smith in society since 
 then. She is as learned and strong-minded as ever, 
 except when I appear ; but she quails before a single 
 glance from me. She is now considerably over sixty ; 
 but I alone possess the secret of calling into those some- 
 what thin cheeks a roseate hue, and of causing those 
 sharp grey eyes to disappear temporarily beneath their 
 lids. Dear Miss Smith ! she never travelled in savage 
 countries by herself after that ; but she will tell you 
 unending stories about her adventures and experiences. 
 The only one her friends don't know, and never will 
 know — for I have never betrayed our secret to a living 
 soul — is the one I have now recounted. Nor would I 
 have told it now, did I not feel sure that it would be 
 impossible for any one to recognise in my ' English- 
 woman in Venezuela " the heroine of the adventure. 
 Besides the Englishwomen who travel in quest of in- 
 
 Q
 
 242 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 formation, are those who are actuated by motives of phil- 
 anthropy or political enthusiasm. Oppressed nationalities 
 act as a powerful stimulus to the formation of this class. 
 No sooner do Italy, or Poland, or Hungary rise, than 
 your Englishwoman packs up her portmanteau, furnishes 
 herself with letters of introduction of the most compro- 
 mising character, and starts off on a mission to suffering 
 humanity. With unreasoning impulse she flings herself 
 heart and soul into the cause she has espoused, and in- 
 duces the unfortunate people to whom she has accredited 
 herself to believe that the whole British nation is as 
 wildly enthusiastic in their behalf as she is. She prob- 
 ably makes her ddbut by two or three indiscretions ; for 
 she is totally unused in her own country to act under the 
 ever-present consciousness that all her movements are 
 watched. "When, however, she is once initiated into the 
 mysteries of a national conspiracy, it cannot be charged 
 against her that she is wanting in resource. On the 
 whole, it is my conviction that your philanthropico-poli- 
 tical Englishwoman does more good than harm, and is a 
 credit to the country that produces her. By such expe- 
 riences do they fit themselves to become the mothers of 
 heroes — only, as I said before, they so rarely marry. 
 There are, however, brilliant exceptions to this rule. I 
 remember during the last insurrection in Poland, attend- 
 ing as knight-errant upon two Miss Browns at Cracow. 
 I don't know which created most sensation — Mademoi- 
 selle Pustovoytov, Langiewicz's female aide-de-camp, who 
 was captured on the day of their arrival, or my two 
 charming compatriots themselves. It was a refreshing 
 sight to watch them, in little pork-pie hats and tucked-
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 243 
 
 up skirts, paddling about the muddy streets of Cracow, 
 and one that cheered the hearts of the poor people they 
 came to comfort. And then to go with them through 
 wards of wounded youths, and see how the presence of 
 the " Englishwoman " would cause the wasted features to 
 light up with a glow of gratitude and pleasure, and how 
 the poor lads would look with wonder and astonishment 
 at these two unprotected beings who had come all the 
 way from England for no other purpose than to minister 
 to their necessities. Depend upon it " the Englishwoman 
 abroad " is a glorious institution. Why, she even some- 
 times penetrates to places where the Englishman has not 
 been seen, and then, what is the impression she leaves on 
 the inhabitants ? They say, of course, " If England pro- 
 duces this sort of woman, what splendid fellows the men 
 must be ! " She does more to maintain the prestige of 
 the British empire than all our iron-clads put together, 
 for she is clad in the triple panoply of virtue, benevolence, 
 and pluck. I was knight - errant to the Miss Browns 
 when they were in the middle of a forest surrounded by 
 Cossacks, distributing provisions to an insurgent band, 
 which they were visiting at the peril of their lives ; 
 and their presence so affected the rugged chief of the 
 band, and the presence of the rugged chief of the band 
 so affected them, that they all wept together, and in the 
 energy of their enthusiasm they distributed among his 
 men every disposable ornament they had about them, 
 down to their hair-pins. Don't you suppose, as I stood 
 looking on with glistening eyes, that L felt proud of my 
 countrywomen ? and don't you suppose that the remnant 
 of those two hundred reckless spirits, who arc now in
 
 244 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 exile in Siberia or elsewhere, when they hear the name of 
 England, will associate that country in their minds with 
 two rather young women in pork-pie hats, such as they 
 had never seen before, who fed them and wept with them, 
 and, perchance, tended them when they were wounded ? 
 Mayhap a stray Briton, pushing his explorations years 
 hence into Asiatic Eussia, will be astonished at the over- 
 whelming civility of some poor lonely exile, and little 
 think he owes it all to the Miss Browns. It was some 
 satisfaction, too, to know that they obliged the whole 
 police of Austria and Eussia to keep on the qui vive. 
 Sheltered under the protecting segis of that Foreign Office 
 which guards so jealously the honour of the British sub- 
 ject, and, above all, of the female British subject, the Miss 
 Browns used to defy the Government. Knowing well 
 the chivalrous nature of their countrymen, they moved 
 about in the happy consciousness that, though England 
 would not go to war for Poland, or for any other oppressed 
 race, the nation would rise like one man in defence of the 
 Miss Browns. The truth is, that no country without this 
 magnificent sense of honour could produce Miss Browns. 
 It was amusing to see them receive a Government spy 
 disguised as a patriot, and, knowing what his real char- 
 acter was, to hear them express their political views, with 
 the intention of the conversation being immediately re- 
 ported to the head of the police. Think, again, what an 
 opinion that functionary must have had of the " English- 
 woman." No wonder that the authorities ended by dread- 
 ing, and the insurgents by adoring, them. Their rooms 
 used to be a sort of nest of conspirators from morning till 
 night, and the confidence they inspired was unbounded.
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 245 
 
 Among the most frequent visitors was a certain ex-gen- 
 eral of the Garibaldian army, who, with his aide-de-camp, 
 had come to seek service in the insurgent ranks. The 
 general was English, the aide-de-camp Italian. The latter 
 was a man of farouche aspect — a grey grizzled mous- 
 tache, pointed savagely, and a grey grizzled chin - tuft 
 pointed too. He had wild gleaming eyes, high cheek- 
 bones, sallow sunken cheeks, a gash over the temple, and 
 a stern military bearing. AVe used to call him Sacripanti, 
 as the nearest approach we could make to his name. He 
 spoke no language but Italian, and his usual mode of pro- 
 cedure was to sit in a corner and silently smoke cigar- 
 ettes, which Miss Brown the younger rolled for him. 
 From beneath the overhanging brow those fiery Italian 
 eyes used to gleam upon her like a basilisk's ; but the 
 Miss Browns were impervious to attacks of this descrip- 
 tion — all travelling Englishwomen are — and used to 
 shower attentions upon him by pantomime — as they were 
 unable to respond to his Italian. One day the Miss 
 Browns went to Lemberg, to see what was to be done in 
 the hospitals there, and the General and Sacripanti went 
 to Lemberg, and, of course, the knight - errant went to 
 Lemberg ; and all of a sudden there came a warning that 
 the police were on the track of the General and Sacri- 
 panti, and that, if they did not at once vanish from the 
 scene, they might be detained in it longer than agreeable. 
 This was more easily said than done, as their passports 
 were not, so to say, quite in order. When the news 
 was broken to us that we were to part thus abruptly, and 
 Sacripanti put the last cigarette he could ever hope to see 
 rolled expressly for him into his mouth, his eye gleamed
 
 246 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 more fearfully than ever. Suddenly he burst forth in 
 a loud military tone of voice, as if he was making a re- 
 port on the state of his company to his general. The 
 nature of the communication evidently embarrassed that 
 gentleman, and as I had understood it I was not surprised. 
 It was couched in the following words : " General, I have 
 the honour to announce through your excellency, that I 
 have a communication to make to the youngest Miss 
 Brown. I request that you will state to that most beau- 
 tiful lady that you are empowered to offer her my hand. 
 You will also, General, inform her precisely what my 
 means and position in my own country are, which you 
 will be able to confirm from your own knowledge. My 
 annual income derived from private sources amounts to 
 two thousand francs (£80), and my rank is captain of 
 the army of the most illustrious Garibaldi. This fortune 
 and this rank I request the most gentle Miss to share 
 with me in my own country so soon as I shall surrepti- 
 tiously have succeeded in reaching it." It was with no 
 little hesitation and difficulty that the worthy General 
 conveyed to the astounded ears of both the Miss Browns, 
 and of one Miss Brown in particular, the startling na- 
 ture of Sacripanti's communication. As there were three 
 casual visitors in the room at the time, and as the Gen- 
 eral became as confused as if he was proposing for him- 
 self instead of for his friend, and as the visitors sat in 
 open-mouthed astonishment, and the Miss Browns, though 
 not easily taken aback, seemed for once disconcerted, my 
 impulse to burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter was 
 only checked by the fearful aspect of Sacripanti's coun- 
 tenance. I am not ashamed to say that for a moment it
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 247 
 
 inspired me with such terror that I suffered acute agonies 
 from my desire to laugh and my fear of doing so. I saw 
 drops of perspiration standing out on the General's fore- 
 head, and the points of Sacripanti's grizzled moustache 
 were finding their way into the corners of his eyes. 
 What, in my capacity of knight-errant, ought I to do 
 under the circumstances ? Miss Brown rescued me from 
 the difficulty, and emerged triumphant from the trying 
 ordeal. With infinite presence of mind she seized the 
 only thing which was on the table near her, and which 
 happened to be a saline draught, mixed it with an un- 
 shaking hand, and in the most silvery tone said to the 
 General as she handed it to him fizzing and bubbling, 
 " Ask dear Captain Sacripanti to plight me his troth in 
 this," accompanying it with a most expressive glance. 
 While Sacripanti was losing his breath in the effervescing 
 fluid — for he was too much taken aback to refuse it — we 
 were all regaining ours. Conscientiously he drained it 
 to its last drop. " Now," said Miss Brown, with a beam- 
 ing face, " tell the Captain that I think we quite under- 
 stand each other." The Captain looked radiant. Whether 
 he thought that the English way of accepting a proposal 
 was to drink off a saline draught, or whether he was 
 pledging in it his future wedded happiness, or what his 
 idea was, we have never discovered ; but he bade us all 
 an affectionate adieu, left his card and Italian address for 
 Miss Brown, and is probably waiting on his paternal acre 
 — for he can't have much more — for the arrival of the 
 bellissima Signorina Brown. The two ladies once caught 
 sight afterwards of these two heroes at a railway station 
 in Austria; they were hurrying across the platform, Sac-
 
 348 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 ripanti disguised as a courier, the General as a milord 
 Anglais. Sacripanti gave a long thirsty glance, which 
 spoke volumes, and then bounded obsequiously to his 
 master's side, hat in hand, as he recognised an approach- 
 ing police functionary. Poor Sacripanti ! his chance is 
 for ever gone, as the youngest Miss Brown is the brilli- 
 ant exception of whom I spoke — she belongs to another ; 
 and I would never have told Sacripanti's love had I not 
 received the permission of her husband. 
 
 While in troublesome times these political English- 
 women may be frequently met with, it not uncommonly 
 happens that an unprotected female of this description 
 gets the credit of being a political emissary, when, in 
 fact, she is only seeking refuge from the gnawing of 
 her blighted affections, or some other equally justifiable 
 cause. 
 
 A remarkable illustration of this came to my notice 
 some years ago, prior to the Crimean war, when I chanced 
 to touch at a small port on the Circassian coast. An 
 exceedingly pretty young woman, accompanied by a 
 burly sous-offieier of a Cossack regiment, came on board 
 the steamboat which was to take us on to Ivertch. The 
 devotion of the Eussian to this young person was so 
 marked that he evidently was not her husband ; and as 
 they seemed to converse entirely by signs, it was equally 
 clear that either she was dumb or could not speak a word 
 of Eussian or any other language current in those parts. 
 They had got a long box among their luggage that she 
 wanted to have sent below, and he wished should remain 
 on deck ; so, seeing the difficulties under which their 
 intercourse was being carried on, with that eagerness
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 249 
 
 which has always characterised the true spirit of knight- 
 errantry, I hazarded the remark in French that I would be 
 glad to interpret for her to the best of my ability. Judge 
 of my surprise when I received the somewhat pettish 
 reply of " Hout, man, gae wa' wi' ye ! " Said I, determined 
 not to be outdone, though so staggered by the shock that 
 you might have knocked me down with a feather, " And 
 what brings a bonny Scotch lassie like you to siccan 
 pairts ? " I did not know much Scotch, but I had a 
 strong recollection of having looked out " siccan " in the 
 glossary at the end of the ' Antiquary,' and found it to 
 mean " such." It was her turn to be astounded now, for 
 I forgot to mention that I was in full Circassian costume, 
 having just returned from paying a longish visit to Prince 
 Michael of Abkhasia. On my head was a pointed cap, 
 trimmed with fur eighteen inches high ; on my breast 
 two rows of cartridges with ivory tips ; at my back a rifle 
 in a sheepskin ; in my waist three knives, the small- 
 est somewhat larger than an ordinary dirk ; baggy red 
 trousers, like knickerbockers, surmounted handsomely 
 embroidered gaiters ; and my well-formed feet were en- 
 cased in thin leather boots without soles, so tight that 
 they caused me agony when I got them wet. I was a 
 young knight in those days, and my chief delight was to 
 rush into the costume of whatever country I happened to 
 be visiting. 
 
 While she was recovering herself I was wondering 
 what on earth she was. Never before, and for that 
 matter I may say since, had I ever seen the English- 
 woman, or rather the Scotchwoman, abroad in such a 
 guise. In the first place, she was clearly not a lady ;
 
 250 KNIC4HT -ERRANTRY IN 
 
 then, so young and pretty, and alone : what could she be 
 doing at Souchoum Kaleh with this burly sous-officier ? 
 While thus speculating, the young person had undergone 
 a revulsion of feeling ; she first threw her arms round 
 ray neck, and then burst into a paroxysm of tears. The 
 sous-officier looked puzzled and, I thought, a little jealous ; 
 but he muttered something about a compatriot, and busied 
 himself about the luggage. Then, to my surprise, he 
 came back before she had done sobbing, and, bidding her 
 a somewhat curt adieu, disappeared over the side just as 
 the steamer's paddles began to turn. Here was a pretty 
 predicament for a young man with knight-errant prin- 
 ciples and a full Circassian costume to find himself in 
 — the after part of the steamer all to himself, and a fair 
 compatriot sobbing in his arms — a most brilliant moon 
 just showing over the magnificent ranges of the snowy 
 Caucasus, tinging distant ice-peaks, throwing masses of 
 forest into gloom, and setting the bay in a blaze of 
 glittering ripples. I had not met Miss Smith at this 
 time, but the last two lines are quite in her style. I 
 regret that it is not in my power, as is clear from the 
 attempt at Scotch which I have already made, to give 
 her history in the pure Doric in which it was conveyed 
 to me ; but, so far as I am able, I will tell the singular 
 story, which I have no doubt still survives in those 
 regions, and will long be narrated among the Eussians as 
 an illustration of the eccentricity of Britons generally, 
 and of British women in particular : also of the perfidy 
 and Machiavellian tactics of our then Premier. Jenny 
 — she told me her other name, but I have forgotten it — 
 was, it appears, the maidservant of a certain Scotch lady
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 251 
 
 whom we will therefore call Miss Mactavish, who, for 
 some reason which Jenny never could penetrate, decided 
 upon investigating the progress which Eussia was making 
 in the Caucasus. With this view she furnished herself 
 with letters of introduction at St Petersburg, and never 
 stopped travelling till she reached Stavropol. This was 
 the headquarters of the army at that time ; and her 
 arrival at that remote garrison during a period of active 
 operations created, as may be imagined, no little wonder 
 and comment. Who could Miss Mactavish be ? what 
 had she come for ? why did she want to accompany a 
 reconnaissance into the Kabardas ? How were you to 
 accommodate a woman and her maid on a rough cam- 
 paign along the southern shore of the Kuban ? The 
 Commander-in-Chief felt uneasy ; he was therefore more 
 polite than usual — Eussians always are when they sus- 
 pect you. He surrounded Miss Mactavish with attend- 
 ants, overwhelmed her with attention, and found that 
 whenever she proposed to go anywhere some insuperable 
 difficulty interposed. But Miss Mactavish had not got 
 Celtic blood in her veins for nothing. She was a stern, 
 determined woman, it appears, " near six feet high, awfu' 
 muckle-jinted, and with reed hair," so said Jenny. So 
 she bought two steeds and a guide — they cost about the 
 same in those parts — and started off one morning. Jenny 
 did not know where they were bound to, as they were 
 almost immediately caught and brought back. But the 
 General's suspicions were still more roused, and he and 
 his officers came to the startling conclusion that Miss 
 Mactavish was a man in disguise, and a secret agent of 
 Lord Pawmerston, as Jenny called him. The state of her
 
 252 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 chevelure went to confirm this hypothesis, as Miss Mac- 
 tavish had had a fever not long before, when her head 
 had been shaved, and her golden locks were now about 
 three inches long. Having arrived at the conviction that 
 she was a man, the next link in the chain was evident ; 
 Jenny was clearly the wife. No sooner does the General 
 arrive at this conclusion than he tells off two handsome 
 young officers on special service — one to make love to 
 the pretended Miss Mactavish, the other to Jenny. " By 
 these means," thinks His Excellency General Blazesky, 
 who judged Scotchwomen by a Eussian standard, " I 
 must arrive at the truth ; for if this emissary of Palmer- 
 ston's be really a female, she will never resist the fascina- 
 tions of the seductive Hititoff ; no unmarried woman of 
 forty — if she be a woman — could resist Hititoff. He 
 must be sacrificed at the shrine of elderly spinsterhood 
 in the service of his country. If, on the other hand, 
 she resents his attentions, it will be strong presumptive 
 evidence of her belonging to the male sex ; and if she is 
 jealous of this pretty little Miss, it will be beyond doubt 
 that she is really he. Tickeleff speaks English like a 
 native. I will order him at once to open the campaign 
 with the maid. Lucky dog, Tickeleff ! " So spake and 
 plotted this immoral old Eussian General, as if he could 
 possibly know anything about Scotchwomen. 
 
 " Eh, man," said Jenny, " ye suld ha' seen my lecldy 
 dingin' awa' at the lugs o' the puir bairn Hititoff, and 
 him tryin' to get up frae his knees, and she just giein' 
 him such ban^s that I had to come atwixt them — and 
 then she went off screechin' and sobbin' in my arms ; 
 but I ken weel the laddie's een were fuller o' tears than
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 253 
 
 Miss Mactavish's, and he couldna tak his handkerchief 
 frae his nose, but was just aff without ance lookin' ahint 
 him." So far, then, General Blazesky was satisfied. 
 Hititoff reported that no woman could have inflicted the 
 punishment he had received ; while the arts which he 
 had frequently proved were infallible with the sex, had 
 in this case been tried with exactly the opposite result 
 to the one desired : ergo, Miss Mactavish was clearly a 
 man. There only remained the confirmation to be ob- 
 tained by Tickeleff. Ha ! ha ! laughs Tickeleff, no fear 
 of my ears and nose getting such treatment as Hititoff' s, 
 and boldly he opens the siege. 
 
 " Weel, sir," went on Jenny, " this Tickeleff was aye 
 glowerin' at me, and squeezin' o' my haund, so I jist 
 glowered at him, and whiles I squeezed his haund — what 
 for no ? — there's nae harm, and there was sae little to 
 do at Stavropol ; and one day he fumbled away at my 
 fingers wi' his lips. Thinks I, ye gowk, what are ye at 
 wi' my haunds when my face is no that far aff ? and then 
 down he plumps on his hunkers, just the same queer 
 fashion as the ither ane, and maks what he ca's his 
 declaration. Weel, he was workin' awa' wi' my haund, 
 and havering on wi' his declaration, and I was wearyin', 
 when wha suld look in but my mistress ; and she jist 
 come doon upon the hair o' his heed like a hawk. ' Ye 
 unprincipled loons,' says she, ' are ye no content wi' at- 
 tackin' me, but ye must assaut my maid ? Gae wa' wi' 
 ye ; ' but he couldna do that, for she had ;i firm grip o' 
 him by the hair, and was shakin' him maist awfu', and 
 I fit to split my sides. ' Ye ca' yersells members o' the 
 Greek Church,' says she, ' and I can weel believe it —
 
 254 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 there's naebody but pagans would do the like ; ' an' wi' 
 that she gied him a cuff, and he went aff wi' his heed 
 hangin' doon for a' the warld like Hititoff." 
 
 Proof conclusive ; what more could Blazesky want ? 
 Reports to his Government important discovery. Spy of 
 Lord Palmerston's in female disguise, with wife passing 
 as maid — desires instructions. Great commotion in the 
 Foreign Office — probable meeting of the Council to con- 
 sider what shall be done ; decision finally arrived at ; 
 send Lord Palmerston's spy wherever he wants to go ; let 
 him always be accompanied by an officer, ostensibly for 
 the protection of the virtue of Miss Mactavish in these 
 savage countries ; order arrives at Stavropol, and is in- 
 stantly put into execution. Sous-officier of Cossacks told 
 off to accompany Miss Mactavish everywhere. So the 
 lady, her maid, and her escort cross by the Dariel Pass 
 to Tiflis, and then skirt the southern Caucasus and come 
 down into Mingrelia. But Miss Mactavish's reputation 
 has preceded her. Nobody doubts for a moment that 
 she is not a man, but all admit she plays her part well. 
 Innumerable are the traps set to catch her, but always 
 ending in the discomfiture of those who devise them. 
 " Knowing old fox that Palmerston," say the authorities ; 
 " how well he chooses his agents ! " To talk to that red- 
 haired man in petticoats, you would suppose he had no 
 ideas beyond the conversion of the heathen and the pre- 
 servation of his feminine honour ; and how well he dis- 
 guises his voice ! Clever little woman his wife is, too ; 
 took two hundred roubles, and told us nothing. Wonder 
 whether she is his wife, or only another agent of Palmer- 
 ston's, and if he shifts them about in couples as he thinks
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 255 
 
 they suit ; wonder how many male and how many female 
 spies ' he has got. How well she took us in about her 
 correspondence, too — that long letter to her brother the 
 Presbyterian minister ! Suppose that in Palmerston's 
 cipher Presbyterian stands for foreign. Then that 
 curious phrase about " justification," and " adoption," and 
 " the Assembly's Shorter Catechism," — wish we could hit 
 off the key. The Assembly is probably the House of 
 Commons, and the Shorter Catechism questions to be 
 asked Palmerston on foreign policy; "justification" per- 
 haps means " casus belli," and " adoption " " annexation." 
 So completely had the idea of Miss Mactavish's real 
 character taken possession of the public mind, that when 
 she arrived at Sugdidi she got into a serious scrape with 
 
 a certain Prince G for having, in the fulness of her 
 
 emotion, wound up a religious discussion with his wife 
 by clasping her round the neck and kissing her warmly. 
 She thought she detected signs of conversion, and thus 
 naturally did she give vent to her feelings. Prince 
 
 G entering at the moment, finding his wife in this 
 
 questionable embrace, was furious, and sent a formal 
 challenge to Miss Mactavish, who doubtless would have 
 gladly fought him, so far as her pluck was concerind, 
 but who entertained a conscientious objection to all duel- 
 ling. Time would fail me to tell of all her remarkable 
 adventures with the different escorts which conducted 
 her through the country under this erroneous impression 
 — how they insisted on making the most marked distinc- 
 tion between her and her maid, reserving all that was 
 best in the way of night accommodation for the latter. 
 " 'Deed, sir," said Jenny, " it was nae use my telling them
 
 256 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 that the puir leddy wasna a man ; but the time came 
 when a' doubts were at an end. An' a richt gude and 
 kind mistress she aye was to me, and me a giddy thing 
 that was fu' o' a' kinds o' cantrips. But I tended her a' 
 through her last illness, and for seven nights did I never 
 sleep one wink, amang savages as we were too, awa' up 
 i' the mountains, and me no able to speak a word o' their 
 gibberish, and she in a raging fever, and they all think- 
 ing she was telling a' her political secrets in her wander- 
 ing speech. And the way she went on about the Free 
 Kirk, and would keep telling me her experiences, and 
 putting a' kinds o' maist awfu' difficult questions to me, 
 thinking I was Dr Candlish ; and a chiel they had there, 
 who knew English, taking notes o' a' she said, and making 
 out that Candlish was Pawmerston, and that the Free 
 Kirk meant revolution, and the Establishment meant the 
 Itooshian Government ; and they threatenin' to whip me 
 if I didna explain to them what ' sittin' under a minister ' 
 was, and wadna believe me when I said I didna ken wha 
 sat under Pawmerston ; and they said I lee'd, and that 
 they knew well ' the auld man ' sat upon a' the ithers. 
 They just seemed clean demented about it ; and at last, 
 wae's me, the puir leddy sank a'thegither, and there I 
 was my lane amang them ; and they rummaged a' our 
 boxes and copied a' her letters and notes, headed, ' The 
 Caucasus a field for Eree Church enterprise.' But the 
 Cossack body was no that bad, and, if he hadna been a 
 wee too fameeliar, would have done weel eneugh. But 
 it gar'd me greet to hear my ain mither tongue frae you, 
 sir — hoping ye'll pardon the liberty I took wi' kissin' ye, 
 sir ; for I am sure ye're a real gentleman, though dressed
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 257 
 
 like ane o' time savages." Jenny's penetration pleased 
 me, and even had I not been bound by my knightly 
 duty, I should have felt more drawn towards her and 
 disposed to befriend her from that moment. " My good 
 girl," said I, endeavouring to discard as much as possible 
 anything like condescension from my tone, " rely upon 
 me — tell me if there is anything I can do for you." 
 " 'Deed is there," said she ; " wad ye just ask them to 
 put my puir mistress below." I now discovered what 
 the long box contained, and asked Jenny how she had 
 managed to perform this last act of devotion. " It wasna 
 my doing, sir," she said. " When thae Eooshians found 
 that the puir leddy wasna a man at a', they got a wee 
 scared like, and said Pawmerston might say that they 
 had killed her, and declare war immediately with 
 Rooshia, — and me in the country — it was awfu' to 
 think o' ; so they would send her home just as she was. 
 And so they determined on embawming her, but they 
 couldna get the recht materials, and so they just em- 
 bawmed her with strae." " Did what ? " said I, almost 
 in a shriek. " Ah, ye may weel cry out," said Jenny ; 
 " for me, I couldna bide near ; but it is a' true. I just 
 took a peep mysel' at the last, and it seemed gae weel 
 dune. An' I hae gotten stric' charge to tak' it to a place 
 in London they ca' the Foreign Office ; here's the address, 
 see — Downing Street." 
 
 Now, I am well aware that my readers will find some 
 difficulty in swallowing this little anecdote. Miss Smith 
 was all well enough ; even the Miss Browns' history was 
 not improbable; but our chivalrous friend is coming it 
 rather too strong, with his Scotch maid and her stuffed 
 
 R
 
 258 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 mistress. I am aware that I have a constitutional tend- 
 ency to romance; who could lead the knight -errant 
 existence which I have without it ? but my romantic 
 vein is kept within the most strict limits. I know how 
 to deal with facts so artistically that they scarcely seem 
 to be facts — just as a good cook can disguise mutton to 
 an extent which renders it impossible to know what you 
 are eating — but the mutton is nevertheless there ; so 
 with these interesting personal experiences — they are all 
 true, and the truest is just the least credible. Now, 
 candidly, do you think I could ever have invented such 
 a wonderful finale to Miss Mactavish ? I am always 
 reluctant to admit any inferiority where matters of ima- 
 gination are concerned ; but I fairly own I was quite 
 incompetent to have conceived anything half so strange 
 as the adventure which I have just described. If any- 
 body is still in doubt, and is sufficiently interested, in 
 verifying the details, to go as far as Sugdidi, the capital 
 of Mingrelia, they will see a charming country, and 
 perhaps the very Princess who received the kiss, and 
 the husband who has never yet got over the banter of 
 his friends for having called out a lady. But Miss 
 Mactavish was by no means a specimen of the active 
 propagandist. She was a dear good soul, who merely 
 carried her theological views into everything, but did not 
 travel for the express purpose of proselytising. There is 
 your female colporteur, a very serious person -to meet in 
 more senses than one, a bugbear to every Catholic govern- 
 ment in Europe, and to every British minister accredited 
 to every such government. Trust her for knowing how 
 to smuggle. She is as skilful in disguising truth in
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 259 
 
 every form which may render it impossible of detection 
 as I am. First, she smuggles a host of tracts written by 
 herself, and calculated to bring the whole Papal fabric 
 down by the run, in the double lining of an under-skirt, 
 and then she smuggles her doctrine into the tracts : then 
 
 OO * 
 
 she is a match for the late Antonelli himself in dogged 
 pertinacity of purpose. She rather glories in going to 
 prison than otherwise, and knows everything about every 
 version of the Bible that exists, and has tried the point 
 with the Douay with more governments than one. Nor 
 does she confine her teaching to the heterodox, — she is 
 down upon a stray Protestant unprotected male tourist 
 in a way terrible to behold. She generally goes about 
 with a secretary, a weak pale creature, who is constantly 
 engaged in copying despatches to foreign governments, 
 British ministers, and " our dear Christian friends " at 
 home. There is a style in the way she puts her name 
 after " having the honour to be, my Lord," which stamps 
 her at once as " a sister with a work." Has it never 
 occurred to this good creature, that as she has never 
 been successful, and never will be, there must be some- 
 thing radically wrong in the way she sets about it ? My 
 heart warms towards her as I see her honestly striving 
 to accomplish the impossible, in that cold, stern, con- 
 scientious manner of hers, which frightens Italians, I 
 think, more than any other race to whom she preaches. 
 She always seems to me to have no heart; perhaps that 
 is the reason I should like to give her some of mine. 
 Ah ! if she only knew how converts are made. If the 
 best way of inducing a man to give is by appealing to 
 his stomach, depend upon it the best way of getting him
 
 260 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 to believe is through the heart. But your female mis- 
 sionary is so full of hate for the system which degrades 
 him, that she has no love or softness to waste on the 
 victim ; and as he has probably more brains than she 
 lias, she can't appeal to his intellect. So she goes on 
 leading a life of warfare with custom-house officers, 
 which sours her temper, and practises petty deceits upon 
 them, which she thinks justifiable, and becomes so bigoted 
 in her views by perpetually looking at the most exagger- 
 ated development of those she differs from, that she ends 
 by being a very disagreeable person to all except the 
 few who, like myself, appreciate the good points in her 
 
 character. I remember once " He's off again," 
 
 you'll say ; " now look out for a bouncer ! " Not at 
 all ; this is strictly true, and if you only knew me, you 
 would not wonder at what I am going to tell you. 
 Well, I remember once falling in with a Miss Jones, 
 and her secretary, Miss Eobinson, at a frontier. They 
 declined to point out the keys of their trunks to the 
 custom-house officers, on the ground that the Govern- 
 ment had no moral right to search for Bibles for the 
 purpose of sequestrating them, and that they could 
 not afford any facilities to its agents. On which 
 the inspector comes — stern, military, and polite. 
 " Madame," he says, " must expect to have her boxes 
 broken open if she will not help in unlocking them." 
 Delighted crowd of passengers, who are assisting at the 
 altercation with the English " Mees " — guard, who says 
 the train can't wait — porter, who goes for chisel and 
 hammer — Miss Eobinson, trembling and anxious to give 
 up the keys — Miss Jones confessing her readiness to
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 261 
 
 go to prison, or incur any other species of martyr- 
 dom, but in the meantime declares she will appeal 
 to the British Minister. Surrounded by such sights 
 and sounds, could I remain one instant longer a calm 
 spectator? Was not the British Minister my most 
 particular friend, and the unprotected female my special 
 mission ? Could I do either of them a greater favour 
 than preserve them from each other ? With that readi- 
 ness of invention which characterises me, I pulled a 
 white pocket-handkerchief from my pocket, and tying 
 it rapidly round my neck, I said in those melodious 
 accents which I know so well how to assume, and with 
 an expression of resigned deliberation, if I may so style 
 it, " Excuse me, dear madam, for interposing at such a 
 moment ; but, as a clergyman of the Church of England" 
 — here I coughed, rather at a loss how to go on — " as a 
 clergyman of the Church, dear madam, deeply interested 
 
 in the work " Here I stopped suddenly. " Surely 
 
 we must have met before. It can't be, yet it is ; oh, 
 Miss Jones ! " — having just deciphered her name on her 
 box — " how truly grateful I am to be permitted to come 
 to your rescue. Perhaps your friend will show me the 
 key." Poor Miss Eobinson, who held the bunch in her 
 shaking fingers, was only too glad to hand it to me, and 
 while Miss Jones was still trying to recognise me, and 
 was too much impressed by the ecclesiastical authority 
 which I brought to bear upon her to remonstrate, I 
 had revealed to the authorities a row of neatly-bound 
 " Douays " which caused their eyes to glisten as they 
 pounced upon them and carried them off. 'Never 
 
 mind, Miss Jones," I said ; " it will give us a stronger
 
 262 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 case. Trust me not to give Lord or any of his 
 
 attaches a moment's peace of mind." " Oh, thank you, 
 
 Mr " "Wilkins, madam — the Rev. F. Wilkins ; 
 
 only I am travelling anonymously, if I may use the 
 term, on behalf of the Jews, and do not wish it known 
 that I am in the Church." Then she tried to remember 
 where she had ever seen me before, which, of course, she 
 found difficult ; and after we had journeyed together in 
 the same carriage for fifteen hours, I found that it would 
 be quite impossible to undeceive her as to my real char- 
 acter, so I invested in a stock of stiff white neckcloths, 
 and a black waistcoat buttoning to the throat ; this 
 gave me the moral ascendancy by which alone I could 
 secure tranquillity, and enabled me to assume the right 
 of preaching to her ; if one of us was to preach, I 
 thought it had better be me. I had not been two 
 days in her company before I had reason to congratulate 
 myself on having adopted this line. I have seen 
 her attack a retired general of the Indian army in an 
 omnibus, while driving from the station to the hotel, in 
 a way which caused me the most acute pain. He was 
 looking forward to meeting a maiden sister after a 
 twenty years' separation ; and when he found she was 
 a friend and correspondent of Miss Jones, I fully ex- 
 pected he would have turned back Overland, without 
 ever getting home at all. Then I saw her torture a 
 young widow who was hurrying from Palermo, where she 
 had just buried her husband. Oh the mockery of that 
 consolation which Miss Jones gave ! " Dear Miss Jones," 
 I would say, " after a scene of this sort let us improve 
 the occasion ; I should like to have a little serious con-
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 263 
 
 versation with you." Then Miss Eobinson, timidly — 
 " May I be allowed to share the privilege ? " " Dear 
 sisters," I would say, " I wish to call your attention to 
 two or three points in which I see room for improve- 
 ment, and I address myself especially to Miss Jones. 
 Believe me, dear lady, you show too great humility, and, 
 if I may venture to say it, timidity, in your intercourse 
 with the unconverted. You seem, when pointing out 
 the shortcomings of another, to be constantly burdened 
 with the consciousness of having sins of your own. 
 Then you make too great allowances for the circum- 
 stances under which perhaps others have been brought 
 up ; your delicacy and tact are so excessive, that 
 you often allow opportunities of doing good to slip. 
 There is such a thing as righteous indignation, and if 
 you can occasionally infuse a little bitterness into your 
 discussions upon doctrinal points, you will be more likely 
 to carry conviction ; above all things, never try to be 
 popular and loved. Eemember you must expect perse- 
 cution in this world, and if you get it, don't attribute it 
 to your disagreeable manner, and your presumption in 
 assuming that everybody you meet is a sinner, but to 
 your being so faithful in telling them the truth. More 
 particularly try and find out the weak points in their 
 harness. You scarcely expressed in sufficiently strong 
 language, the horror and disgust with which that wicked 
 old general's maiden sister will receive hi in, when she 
 enters into an investigation of his moral nature ; nor did 
 you press the widow enough as to the exact condition of 
 her husband's mind immediately prior to his death. It 
 is so very important, that she should not be buoyed up
 
 26-4 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 by any false hope of his having been penitent at last. 
 Then your mode of dealing with the officials in foreign 
 countries is faulty. You do not give half trouble 
 enough. You do not sufficiently consider the moral 
 effect you may produce by defying authority, and by 
 setting at nought all rules and regulations established by 
 despots and bigots, and holding them up to contempt 
 and scorn, in your intercourse with their agents. You 
 are too scrupulous in the means you employ, considering 
 that your end is to propagate a religion of love, charity, 
 and tolerance. Of course you should endeavour to create 
 as much discontent as possible in the minds of these poor 
 ignorant people, with their present system of religion. If 
 you are engaged in collecting subscriptions for a Protes- 
 tant church, for instance, follow the example of those good 
 Christians at Naples who have specially chosen to erect 
 theirs at the door of a monastery of the strictest Catholic 
 order. Thus the truth is brought into very strong con- 
 trast with error ; and if you cannot conciliate, you may 
 at least annoy those who differ from you. By these 
 means your zeal will become apparent, and men will say 
 that a woman who wears herself out in attempting to 
 wear out other people must be in the right, and your 
 motives will in the end be appreciated and your religion 
 respected. These are a few of the observations I would 
 wish to make before parting with you, in the hope that 
 they may help to serve you both for your future guid- 
 ance ; and if it is any comfort or satisfaction to you to 
 hear it, dear Miss Jones, believe me that, during my 
 intercourse with you, I have learnt many valuable lessons. 
 We can all learn from each other, dear sister ; indeed, I
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 265 
 
 am not sure whether you have not done me more good 
 than you have to any of those numerous privileged per- 
 sons to whom you have spoken seriously." Their diffi- 
 culties with the officials were at an end, and the services 
 of the knight-errant were no longer required, so I shook 
 hands cordially with both ladies, and was about to wipe 
 away something from the neighbourhood of my eye, when 
 Miss Jones took me aside. " I cannot resist," she said, 
 "indeed I feel it my solemn duty to give you a piece of 
 advice before parting. You know the deep interest I 
 take in you, the strong affection I feel for you." " In- 
 deed, madam, no one can be more sensible of both." 
 " Then," said Miss Jones, abruptly, " why don't you 
 marry ? " A charge straight up to the batteries, thought 
 I, worthy of General Grant. My breath was quite gone. 
 I had vague thoughts of precipitate flight, but Miss 
 Eobinson had executed a flank movement, and cut off 
 all access to the door. " Wilkins," said Miss Jones 
 again, " I ask you solemnly and seriously, why don't 
 you marry ? " So this, then, had been the result of all 
 my preaching. Surely a just Nemesis had overtaken me 
 at last, for I felt I had not been strictly true to my 
 knight-errant vow. That extraordinary fertility of re- 
 source, to which I have before alluded, did not however 
 fail me at this critical moment. " Madam," said I, 
 sternly, " I am no more Wilkins than you are. I am 
 an officer on leave from the fastest cavalry regiment in 
 the service, but I have shaved off my moustache to com- 
 plete the disguise necessary to enable me to escape from 
 my creditors." Then suddenly changing my tone, and 
 dropping on one knee, " But, lovely Jemima, I will sacri-
 
 266 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY IN 
 
 fice my prospects and attach myself to you for life, if, 
 dearest, you will only pay my debts." Miss Jones did 
 not scream, she uttered no word of reproach, but sank 
 slowly into a heap on the floor. I propped her up with 
 a footstool at her back, and left Miss Eobinson sitting on 
 it administering sal volatile. 
 
 I am not ashamed to say that when I look calmly 
 back upon this episode, I feel a certain satisfaction. Of 
 course I am not a cavalry officer, and have not a debt in 
 the world, but I am sure Miss Jones is a wiser and a 
 better woman in consequence of having known me. She 
 has been what she would call " chastened," and I have 
 been the rod. Poor dear ! with a very little encourage- 
 ment she would have kissed it. So, perhaps I did her 
 an injustice, and she has a heart after all. 
 
 Now, I know you will say what an unprincipled 
 scoundrel this is, going about under false pretences, and 
 calling himself a knight-errant. Don Quixote, indeed ! 
 how differently would that pink of chivalry have behaved 
 under the circumstances ! Not so, dear friends : I appeal 
 confidently to Miss Smith, the Miss Browns, Jenny, and 
 even Miss Jones herself. My object has been to show 
 these good creatures how far they benefit the human 
 species and how far they bore it. Not for the world 
 would I throw ridicule on the sublime religion to which 
 I have had to allude in the case of the last. Miss 
 Jones monopolises this task, and what I could I did to 
 neutralise her influence — I am afraid, to judge by a letter 
 which I saw from her the other day in the ' Discord,' 
 with very little effect. Still there is no reason why 
 others should not be more successful than I have been.
 
 THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. 267 
 
 My simple motive for narrating these experiences of my 
 knight-errantry is to suggest an object to my male readers 
 who are fond of travelling, and who little know the satis- 
 faction they will receive from protecting, befriending, and 
 assisting these excellent ladies in the trials and dangers 
 which their mode of life must necessarily involve. In a 
 word, to the Englishman I leave it " to point the moral ; " 
 for has not " the Englishwoman " sufficiently " adorned 
 the tale"?
 
 268 
 
 IX. 
 A NEW METHOD OF SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 
 
 Compelled by an inexorable destiny to wander over the 
 earth's surface, I have ever found myself sharing, to an 
 intense degree, in the aspirations of my fellow-creatures 
 to develop into newer and higher conditions, and, at the 
 risk of appearing presumptuous, have not hesitated to 
 offer them freely such counsel and advice as my vivid 
 imagination and extended experience might suggest. 
 Hitherto I must confess that my efforts have been 
 utterly unavailing ; but far from being discouraged, I feel 
 constrained to present to a young and rising nation — 
 destined, according to the great Liberal prophet of Great 
 Britain, at no distant date to eclipse the glory and 
 absorb the wealth of our own island realm — a scheme 
 which my recent observations of their tendencies and 
 desires has led me to elaborate ; in the hope that its 
 merits will at once be recognised, and that, if they are 
 unable to adopt it in its entirety, they will derive some 
 hints which may prove of real and substantial benefit. 
 It is only natural that, however cosmopolitan the sym-
 
 A NEW METHOD OF SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 269 
 
 pathies of an Englishman may be, they should turn most 
 readily to his American cousins ; and that, finding him- 
 self a prophet without honour in his own country — 
 where people are far too well satisfied with their 
 own opinions, and with the conditions which surround 
 them, to think they need assistance from anybody — 
 he should appeal to that more receptive, progressive, 
 and' enlightened branch of the Anglo-Saxon familv, 
 where new ideas are eagerly entertained, new tenden- 
 cies are rapidly developed, new desires constantly ex- 
 pressed, old problems solved, and time-worn habits of 
 thought discarded. To this fresh and promising com- 
 munity, then, I address myself, in the conviction that 
 nothing I can suggest will startle them, and that what 
 may seem to the bigoted and intolerant mind of old- 
 fashioned society absurd or impracticable, will commend 
 itself to so enterprising and vigorous a race as a simple 
 and sensible scheme of social evolution. It is even 
 possible that the stolid intellect of Europe, unable to 
 discriminate between jest and earnest, may regard it as a 
 feeble attempt at satire. Such an insinuation I pass by 
 with contempt. I have never met an American who 
 could deny that, while firmly maintaining that the 
 theory was sound which, in the beautiful language of 
 the Constitution, proclaims that all men were born equal, 
 he was conscious practically that, physically, morally, 
 and intellectually, men are born extremely unequal. In 
 fact, in no country have I ever met a man of any race 
 who did not feel he was very unequal. The same idea 
 is clearly entertained by the higher class of monkeys, 
 and may be observed manifesting itself, in a greater or
 
 -70 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 less degree, throughout the animal kingdom ; and it 
 would not be difficult for eminent scientific men to 
 prove that it must even, in a modified form, descend to 
 the oyster. I may here remark incidentally, that I do 
 not think the attention of naturalists has been sufficiently 
 directed to psychological evidences of this kind, by 
 which, apart from all material proof whatever, the ascent 
 of man from the lowest forms of animal life may be 
 clearly traced. I regret I have no time to enter upon 
 this subject more fully here ; but it has been necessary 
 to allude to it, because, while the " instinct of inequal- 
 ity " forms the basis of the glorious modern theory in 
 regard to the origin of the human race, it is also the 
 basis upon which my new method of social evolution is 
 constructed. In a word, to make my meaning more 
 clear, as the " instinct of inequality " must be the 
 foundation of the instinct of evolution, without this 
 instinct in the oyster it would never have been possible 
 for the " fittest " to survive and evolve. Evidently it 
 is the result of an aspiration on the part of the oyster 
 to rise above its inferior or " unequal " condition. To 
 use a social rather than a scientific term, it is manifest 
 that we owe our development to the innate snobbishness 
 of the oyster. The theory of evolution, reduced to its 
 social expression, is therefore the theory of snobbishness ; 
 and it is from this principle — the grandest, the noblest, 
 and the most powerful that has been implanted in the 
 human breast — that we derive our origin ; it is through 
 its mighty influence that we maintain our existence ; and 
 it is upon its " latent potencies " that we base our hopes 
 for the future. Implanted more strongly in the Anglo-
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 271 
 
 Saxon race than in any other people on the face of the 
 globe, it has carried the British nation to the pinnacle of 
 greatness and prosperity which it now occupies, though 
 the sentiment is evidently weakening of late under the 
 deleterious influence of a prominent leader in the Liberal 
 party ; but it is developing a majesty in the United 
 States which should cause a thrill of pride in the breast 
 of every Englishman when he recognises how worthy the 
 people of America are proving themselves of the noble 
 heritage they have received from the mother country. 
 Never yet have they thoroughly realised how much they 
 owed to those Pilgrim Fathers, whose hearts throbbing 
 and veins palpitating with the life-sustaining, " naturally 
 selecting " principle of snobbishness, selected, in obedi- 
 ence to its promptings, a noble and virgin continent, 
 upon which their descendants might evolve into social 
 conditions denied to them in their own country. It is 
 to this principle I now wish to appeal, for the purpose 
 of directing it, if possible, to a practical object. 
 
 Innumerable evidences confirm my conviction, that 
 no matter what a constitution, drawn up to meet exigen- 
 cies which have passed away, may say politically, socially 
 the principle of equality is doomed in America. In all 
 the larger cities there is a class which openly calls itself, 
 and is openly called by others, the aristocracy ; and the 
 more modern members of it are endeavouring as much 
 as possible to adopt the manners and customs of aris- 
 tocracies in other countries, to contract matrimonial 
 alliances with them, and to bow down before them. 
 They put their servants into livery ; emblazon the panels 
 of their carriages with heraldic devices, in which coronets
 
 272 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 and other insignia of nobility, and even of royalty, may 
 often be detected. Some have purchased property 
 abroad, and call themselves by its well-sounding foreign 
 name ; others have adopted the names of noble families ; 
 and some have even gone so far as to assume foreign 
 titles, which they use when abroad, and with the crests 
 and armorial bearings of which, even at home, they 
 stamp their note-paper and decorate their dinner menus. 
 The demand has become so extended in this direction, 
 that two heralds' offices have actually been opened in a 
 fashionable part of New York to meet it, where coats of 
 arms, crests, and mottoes may be obtained to suit the 
 name, taste, rank, and pedigree of the purchaser. A 
 directory, called the ' Elite Directory,' bound in purple 
 leather, with gilt edges, has been published ; and not 
 long ago a newspaper was started in Chicago, called 
 ' The Imperialist,' advocating the formation of an aris- 
 tocracy, and suggesting names for titles which should be 
 adopted. As far back as two hundred years ago, so 
 great a philosopher as John Locke recognised this latent 
 tendency in the constitution which he drew up for the 
 royal colony of South Carolina, one of the provisions of 
 which established a House of Peers, composed of three 
 orders of nobility, severally entitled Landgraves, Pala- 
 tines, and Caciques — the landgraves to rank with English 
 earls, the palatines with English viscounts, and the ca- 
 ciques with English barons. This lasted for three or four 
 years, and the last landgraviate family has only become 
 extinct in our own times. This spirit, as I have shown, 
 still descends, as it ought, with even greater force to our 
 own day, and through all classes, so that every one who
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 273 
 
 can, however remotely or obscurely, lay claim to any 
 military, political, or judicial title, is proud to be ad- 
 dressed by it ; while his fellow-citizens meet his wishes 
 in this respect as liberally as possible. Thus even 
 porters and cabmen are called gentlemen, and laund- 
 resses and shopwomen, wash-ladies and sales-ladies. In 
 the same manner, though orders are not permitted in the 
 United States, the men and officers of the militia regi- 
 ments decorate their breasts with freemason, odd-fellow, 
 knight-templar, fenian, and other badges, which present 
 a truly martial appearance, and give the wearer an air 
 of having seen much service. 
 
 The Congress of the United States, recognising this 
 upward tendency on the part of the American soldier, 
 passed a special Act after the close of the civil war, 
 authorising all the field-officers of the army of the Union, 
 honourably mustered out of service, to claim the title 
 and wear the uniform of their rank — a privilege which, 
 as the Courts of Europe are well aware, has not been left 
 to slumber by such American diplomatists as have been 
 entitled to it. 
 
 I have felt both encouraged and edified by the spec- 
 tacle of a late President of the United States, and his 
 entire family, manifesting in a marked degree an abun- 
 dant instinct of inequality. The sternness with which he 
 insisted upon social precedence, to which he could lay no 
 claim, being accorded to him — the grace with which he 
 accepted the homage of those whom he considered his 
 social inferiors — the ease with which he adapted himself 
 to the habits and customs of the aristocracy of each coun- 
 try he visited, with a proud consciousness that it was the 
 
 S
 
 274 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 class to which he instinctively belonged — the quick re- 
 cognition by that class that he was entitled to take his 
 place among them as one of nature's " fittest/' and to look 
 down, as they do, upon those whom she has not " natu- 
 rally selected " for social eminence — the gratification of 
 his own countrymen at the honours which have been 
 showered upon this early but magnificent promise of 
 their future aristocracy, — all this, I say, was eminently 
 encouraging, but it only proves how imperative the neces- 
 sity has become for constructing a social system which 
 shall place matters on an assured basis, and deprive carp- 
 ers and sceptics of an excuse to taunt those whose irre- 
 pressible social ambitions prompt them to assume prero- 
 gatives which may not yet legally belong to them, but 
 which, in obedience to the dictates of the great principle to 
 which they owe their origin, they feel compelled to appro- 
 priate. What, for instance, could be more unseemly on the 
 part of his own countrymen, than to pick flaws in the title 
 of Brigadier-General G-oodeau, " A.D.C. in the suite," or to 
 criticise the magnificent decorations and orders with which 
 he adorned his uniform ? Why should such meritorious 
 efforts at evolution be sneered at in the case of this dis- 
 tinguished officer, when they are universally commended 
 on the part of the oyster ? Truly has it been remarked, 
 that scientific men are as illogical as theologians. Go 
 onwards and upwards, then, on the bright and glorious 
 road that leads to social eminence, Presidents, Generals, 
 Diplomats, worthy representatives of the noble race from 
 which you have sprung ; be not checked by the scoffings 
 of the low-born and envious in your aspirations after pre- 
 cedence, decorations, and pedigree ; the time will come
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 275 
 
 when all men will recognise in you, and others who are 
 even now following your example, the pioneers of a 
 new and mighty social development, whose benign and 
 mellowing influence will ultimately extend, if it has 
 not already reached, to the gulches and canons of Cali- 
 fornia. 
 
 It hems clear, then, that without social ambition there 
 can be no social evolution — and it being abundantly evi- 
 dent, from the illustrations I have adduced, that the sen- 
 timent of social ambition has of late years been acquiring 
 overwhelming and uncontrollable force in the American 
 breast — it follows that the moment is ripe for a specific 
 direction to be imparted to it. Unless this is done, there 
 is a danger of a catastrophic period, accompanied by so- 
 cial and political shocks, which may cause great disaster 
 and even loss of life ; whereas, if my plan is followed, 
 there will be no more difficulty in transforming a demo- 
 cracy into an aristocracy than there was in changing a 
 monkey into a man. It will be a smooth, easy, and natu- 
 ral process, very similar to that of rubbing off your tail. 
 What, in fact, are the poor, the low-born, and the unedu- 
 cated of society, but its tail ? Very well, then, if you 
 want to evolve, you must rub it off. Nothing can be 
 more self-evident than that ; the question is how to do 
 it without producing irritation. It is inherent to the 
 process of transformation that it is rather painful ; no 
 amount of salves or caustics can prevent this ; the prob- 
 lem is to have as little soreness as possible. Now it is 
 natural that any attempt to form a new couche sociale will 
 leave the class that is left out very sore ; therefore it will 
 be necessary to discover a salve which may allay the
 
 276 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 irritation. The salve I propose is a political one. What 
 do American aristocrats want to do with politics ? absol- 
 utely nothing ! They won't dirty their fingers with poli- 
 tics even now ; how much less should they do so when 
 they are the possessors of real titles ! In all old aristo- 
 cratic European countries the aristocracy is a part of the 
 political machinery, hence it is constantly brought into 
 unpleasant collision with the masses, and is more or less 
 unpopular, while it holds its position by a precarious ten- 
 ure. Now in America it would be quite different. Here 
 I propose to construct, in the first instance, a purely social 
 aristocracy, having no special political rights or privileges : 
 what need they care about political recognition at Wash- 
 ington, if they are recognised socially by all the crowned 
 heads of Europe ? In fact, it might be advisable that 
 one of their rules should preclude any member of Con- 
 gress or politician from belonging to their order, though 
 this might be relaxed in favour of ex-presidents and ex- 
 ministers to foreign Courts, who could give satisfactory 
 proofs of their having achieved great social success, and 
 manifested a profound contempt for the politics of their 
 own country. This entire exclusion from the arena of 
 politics, while a necessary measure in initiating the order 
 of aristocracy in America, would of necessity only be 
 temporary. The irresistible forces at work would finally, 
 as will appear later, sweep away all obstructions raised 
 by the democracy to the overwhelming development of the 
 aristocracy in every department of life, political and finan- 
 cial as well as social; but the merit of the process consists 
 in the fact that it would be entirely unaccompanied by any 
 open or active effort on their part. Thus beautifully do
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 277 
 
 the forces of nature do their work when they are pro- 
 perly directed. 
 
 It is well known to scientific men that the most 
 dangerous and disagreeable moment in the process of 
 evolution is the first ; ce n'est que le premier pas qui coute. 
 It is then that the animal first feels those well-known 
 curious shooting pains ; and though they are accompanied 
 by a certain feeling of gratification arising from the proof 
 they convey to his mind that he has been a specimen 
 selected for the purpose on account of his fitness, still 
 we have the most distinct testimony to the fact that the 
 creature is often in great doubt at this crisis whether 
 " the game is worth the candle." Whatever scoffers may 
 say to the contrary, there is nothing more clearly estab- 
 lished than this — so much so that many animals can be 
 proved to have shown hesitation in the early stages of the 
 process. The Ornithorhynchus paradoxus, or duckbill 
 platypus, is an illustration of this ; and the minute obser- 
 vation by naturalists of the mental structure of the aye- 
 aye of Madagascar, proves clearly that had it not been 
 for an hereditary tendency to vacillation in that animal, 
 he would now have been a perfect ape, instead of being 
 obliged to take refuge in the length of his finger-nails. 
 Many other animals in the same way have thus stuck in 
 the middle, and through a certain feebleness of aspiration 
 have been unable to advance, while a retreat to their 
 former condition, where they were much more comfort- 
 able, is cut off from them ; for it is also established 
 beyond a question that, however much you may desire 
 it, you cannot evolve backwards. The same rules hold 
 good morally which hold good physically. Indeed it is
 
 278 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 clear that this must be so, as recent investigations by 
 scientific men make it absolutely certain that mind is 
 fluent or gaseous matter, and that matter is condensed 
 and solidified mind. From which it follows that it is 
 not impossible that while the social evolution I am about 
 to suggest is in progress, certain physical modifications 
 may occur simultaneously. These, as I have remarked, 
 may be accompanied by shooting pains in the regions 
 about to undergo change. This change will necessarily 
 be in accordance with the dominant social aspiration, and 
 therefore aristocratic in character : thus the nostrils will 
 become thinner, and more pink and distended ; the ears 
 smaller and more delicately lobed ; the eyebrows more 
 perfectly arched ; defective features will be modified so 
 as to assume a more lofty and classical type, hands and 
 feet diminished in size, and changes of form imparting 
 greater elegance and elasticity to the frame will occur. 
 Perhaps I may seem too bold in saying all this will 
 occur. At the same time, we have a long train of unin- 
 terrupted testimony to prove that if Nature be consistent 
 with herself they must occur, therefore I feel bound to 
 give this warning to my sympathetic reader ; but I do 
 not imagine that the prospect of such a contingency, even 
 though it may be painful, will check his noble ardour to 
 rise. Still, I would suggest, as a preliminary measure, that 
 several secret conferences be held among those who, after 
 reading this essay, feel instinctively drawn together by a 
 common appreciation of the truth, and of the sagacity and 
 research by which it is inspired. These will be the dite, 
 the very crime de la creme of society. The majority, 
 unable to detect profound wisdom in a form which
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 279 
 
 appeals almost exclusively to the trained mind of science, 
 and prejudiced against it by their religious bigotry, will 
 turn it to ridicule ; but it is not those I seek to reach. 
 The " fittest " will at once respond ; and it is by them 
 that this great movement will be inaugurated. They 
 will " select " with an unerring instinct those who should, 
 in the first instance, receive titles. They will, in fact, be 
 intuitively prompted by nature as to the selection ; from 
 the " Blue Blood " of Philadelphia, from the " Culture " 
 of Boston (Beacon Street), from "The F. F. V." (first 
 families of Virginia) ; from Canal Street, in New Orleans 
 (right-hand side); from the descendants of the great 
 Patroons of New Amsterdam, the Knickerbockers of 
 New York, and the dwellers in 2d Avenue ; from all 
 that is ancient, sacred, cherished, and aspiring in the 
 suppressed aristocracy of the land — will come the re- 
 sponse of the " fittest." They will then form themselves 
 into a secret society — for no profane or vulgar eye may 
 dare to penetrate into the early throes of this period of 
 gestation ; but one of their first acts must be to collect 
 funds among themselves for the purchase of titles. As 
 a general thing, it will be found preferable that each man 
 purchase his own title ; but there may be cases where it 
 would be advisable to assist him to do so. These may 
 be procured from the Ptepublics of San Marino and 
 Andorre, from the Prince of Monaco, and from the five 
 Counts Palatine of the Holy Ptoman Empire, at rates 
 corresponding to the various degrees of impecuniosity of 
 those who are entitled to confer them. The Pope, and 
 several of the small German princes, and various Gov- 
 ernments of Europe, will bestow them for other services
 
 280 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 besides those which are purely pecuniary ; nor will it be 
 impossible for distinguished American families to prove 
 their noble descent sufficiently to the satisfaction of cer- 
 tain foreign Powers to warrant their being acknowledged 
 as rightful possessors of titles which they may claim by 
 inheritance. We all know that the representatives of 
 more than one British noble family are now simple citi- 
 zens of the United States. All this would be remedied 
 by the scheme which I propose. After a certain number 
 of titles had thus been confidentially secured, the right 
 should be obtained by the American Order, as soon as it 
 was properly constituted, of conferring them. This may 
 be accomplished in the same way as the transmission of 
 the power of the ordination of bishops depends upon the 
 validity of the source from which it is derived. This 
 power could not properly be contested if it was obtained 
 from the Pope ; and it is not unlikely that Leo XIII. 
 will ere long find himself so much in need of support 
 that he would be glad to conciliate a young and power- 
 ful aristocracy by granting them this privilege. When 
 this has been secured, and the Order numbers two hundred 
 members, it will formally constitute itself in secret session, 
 and organise the four fundamental institutions upon which 
 its greatness and power will finally depend. These are 
 the two " Colleges of the Order," the " Syndicate of the 
 Orilcr," and the "Tribunal of the Order." The Colleges 
 of the Order will consist of the " Heralds' College " and 
 the "Electoral College." The Heralds' College will be 
 composed of such members of the Order as, according to 
 rules which will necessarily be framed for the guidance 
 of the Order, shall be duly qualified. The functions of
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 2 - I 
 
 the Heralds' College will be to supervise all matters con- 
 nected with armorial bearings, pedigrees, orders of pre- 
 cedence, &e., &c. ; it will report upon alliances which it 
 is desirable should be promoted with the members of 
 foreign aristocratic families, and decide upon the titles 
 which, in the interest of the Order, new members should 
 assume. In all matters of taste the Heralds' College 
 should reign supreme. Thus, for instance, any one 
 attaining the rank of Marquis, and desiring to call him- 
 self the Marquis of Mauch Chunk, would be compelled 
 to abide by the veto of the College, if that body, as - 
 most probable, refused, on aesthetic grounds, its assent to 
 the title. It would probably be found convenient that a 
 list of titles, composed chiefly of sonorous and high-sound- 
 ing names, such as Xarragansett. Tuscarora. Onondaga, 
 and Ashtabula, should be kept at the Heralds' College 
 for new members to choose from. The elaboration of 
 the rules and regulations, the code of etiquette in matters 
 of dress, of forms of salutation, and of styles of address 
 in official and private correspondence, will fall into the 
 Heralds' College department. The slovenly manners of 
 the present day, even in old aristocratic countries, are an 
 evidence how much a supervision of this kind is needed ; 
 and we have the universal testimony of travellers to the 
 that nowhere is there a race more formed by nature 
 to inaugurate a movement of this sort, than the younger 
 branch of the Anglo-Saxon family ; their polite consider- 
 ation of the fair sex in cars and omnibuses, and other 
 places of public resort, and their chivalrous i ts in 
 
 matters of single combat. illy in the South, are 
 
 sufficient evidence that a code of honour might be re-
 
 282 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 vived under the auspices of the Heralds' College, to 
 which all Europe would speedily be compelled to 
 conform. 
 
 The functions of the Electoral College are more simple : 
 it would be composed only of the oldest and most trusted 
 members of the nobility, whose business it would be to 
 discuss the eligibility, and vote upon the admission, of 
 new members. As the stability and dignity of the Order 
 must mainly depend upon the characters of the men who 
 compose it, it is manifest that the functions of the Elec- 
 toral College are of the utmost importance. This body 
 alone will be vested with the Papal authority to confer 
 titles to which I have already alluded. 
 
 The " Syndicate of the Order " is, in other words, its 
 financial committee. As the power and influence of 
 every aristocracy in every country must depend rather 
 upon its wealth than anything else, and as land is too 
 common in the New World to add very much to the 
 social position or dignity of its possessor, it is of the first 
 importance that every member of the aristocracy should 
 not only be enormously rich, but that his money should 
 be well and safely invested. As, however, it would be 
 beneath the dignity of a nobleman personally to attend 
 to money matters, or to be engaged in any other business 
 than that connected with the chivalric pursuits of the 
 Order, provision for the acquiring and preserving his 
 wealth has to be made otherwise. I may here say 
 that members of the aristocracy will be allowed by the 
 rules of the Order, as laid down in the Heralds' College, 
 to enter the army, the navy, and the Church, — the art 
 of first killing people and then saving their souls being
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 283 
 
 one in which all aristocracies have ever been proficient. 
 At the same time, it would be beneath the dignity of an 
 aristocrat to enter any denomination for the latter pur- 
 pose, unless there was a good prospect of his being able 
 to minister to the spiritual welfare of souls in the capa- 
 city of a bishop. In all matters, whether they be con- 
 nected with people's souls or bodies, the dignity of his 
 Order must be his first consideration. Therefore, while 
 he may be in the army or navy, and receive pay without 
 loss of dignity — for he receives it from the Government, 
 and not from any one individual ; and the function of 
 personal combat is a noble one — under no circumstances 
 could he be a doctor, for he would then have to receive 
 pay from an individual ; and the function of saving life 
 for pay has ever been considered by all orders of aristo- 
 crats as ignoble. It is not the same with the Church, 
 for here, as I have said, he may rise to a position of 
 great authority and dignity, and he receives his pay 
 not from an individual, but from masses of individuals 
 collectively. Nevertheless, it is not likely that many 
 members of the Order will adopt this calling, nor is it 
 desirable that they should. ISTo objection exists to their 
 engaging in artistic, literary, or scientific pursuits, pro- 
 vided they are not paid for their labours. In order, 
 then, that their riches may continually increase without 
 any effort on their part, the Syndicate of the Order 
 becomes necessary. Its composition is peculiar. In 
 former times, as is well known, the buffoon and the 
 domestic chaplain played an important part in the 
 establishment of every great noble. It has, for obvious 
 reasons, been found no longer necessary to keep private
 
 284 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 buffoons, and even domestic chaplains are rare ; but I 
 would suggest, for reasons which I will presently ex- 
 plain, that the latter should form part of every American 
 nobleman's establishment, while I propose to substitute 
 for the private buffoon an individual whom I will call 
 the "private money-grub." Strange as it may seem, 
 the principal operators on the Stock Exchange, the 
 directors and controllers of the railway, telegraph, and 
 steamship lines of the country, the presidents of banks 
 and insurance companies, the leading merchants, the 
 magnates of finance, in fact — would all eagerly seek 
 the position of private money -grubs, for it would be 
 the only avenue through which they could hope ulti- 
 mately to become themselves ennobled. The private 
 money-grub, after being allowed by the Syndicate enough 
 to live upon, would have his earnings divided into two 
 equal parts. Half would go to the nobleman to whose 
 household he was attached ; the other half would be laid 
 by for his own benefit, until it reached the amount 
 necessary to qualify him to be a candidate for the 
 honours of nobility. By this ingenious method it is 
 plain, that while the aristocracy keep themselves re- 
 moved from the defiling touch of commerce and business 
 generally, they would indirectly exercise a most power- 
 ful influence over the finance of the nation. 
 
 In addition to the money-grub and the domestic chap- 
 lain, there would also be attached to every noble family 
 the " family counsel." The three would form a trium- 
 virate essential to the maintenance and wellbeing of 
 every nobleman's establishment above a certain rank, 
 and would serve as checks upon one another. Thus
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 285 
 
 the domestic chaplain might advise the money-grub that 
 a certain financial proceeding was morally right, when it 
 might be necessary for the family counsel, who knew 
 the law, to show that it involved legal penalties ; or, on 
 the other hand, the counsel might advise a course which 
 was legally safe, which the domestic chaplain might 
 show to be attended with moral difficulties. Here the 
 money -grub in his turn would operate as a check on 
 the chaplain, as he would be empowered to reduce the 
 salary of the latter just in proportion as he raised any 
 such difficulties ; while both counsel and chaplain would 
 have an interest in seeing that the money-grub did not 
 cheat his noble master, as their only chance of reaching 
 the lower ranks of the nobility would depend upon the 
 fidelity with which they performed this service. By 
 this simple and beautiful system, money would be made 
 under the sanction alike of the law and of the Church, 
 and fraud be rendered impossible. It is needless to 
 remark that, as in many cases the family counsel would 
 occupy the position of judge, the rights and private inter- 
 ests of the aristocracy would be assured in the event 
 of any attempt to attack them by legal proceedings on 
 the part of the democracy. 
 
 The Syndicate of the Order, then, would be composed 
 of a certain number of leading money-grubs, of eminent 
 family counsel, and, for the purpose of inspiring confi- 
 dence, of a small sprinkling of such domestic chaplains as 
 were loudest in their professions of personal piety, and 
 most celebrated for their theological proficiency. These 
 members of the Syndicate would, while preserving each 
 nobleman's fortune independent, act with a certain liar-
 
 28G A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 mony and concert, and, by skilful combinations, would 
 easily be able to defeat the schemes of the financial 
 democracy, who, as a rule, are treacherous in their com- 
 bined operations, and live by plundering and cheating 
 each other. A certain proportion of the fortune of each 
 nobleman would nevertheless be placed in a common 
 fund, to be used for purposes common to the interests of 
 the Order — such as the building of clubs, churches, or 
 theatres, which should be frequented exclusively by the 
 members of the aristocracy and the untitled friends whom 
 they might admit to such privileges. Another part of 
 this fund, to be called the " clower fund," would be 
 devoted exclusively to the providing of portions or dots 
 for such daughters of noblemen as it was thought desir- 
 able, for the due propagation and maintenance of the 
 Order, should contract alliances with the foreign noble- 
 men, who, being almost always mercenary, require as 
 a first condition suitable marriage settlements. These 
 would of course be graduated according to the beauty of 
 the young lady, the rank of the proposed bridegroom, 
 and the advantages in point of connection and influence 
 which he had to offer. Such questions would not, how- 
 ever, fall within the province of the Syndicate, who 
 would simply have to provide the money, but of the 
 Heralds' College^ without whose concurrence and approval 
 no marriages among the aristocracy, either at home or 
 abroad, could be contracted. This is necessary for pur- 
 poses of physical evolution, as it is of the utmost im- 
 portance, in order to produce the highest organic results, 
 that the strain of blood should be kept pure. The 
 neglect of this simple precaution must inevitably prevent
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 287 
 
 any further development on the part of existing aris- 
 tocracies, who will thus remain in an imperfect and rudi- 
 mentary condition, and finally occupy very much the 
 same relation to the aristocracy of America that the 
 Veddahs of Ceylon, the Bosjesmen of South Africa, or 
 the aboriginal natives of Australia do to the Caucasian 
 race. I have taken the trouble to make calculations, 
 based upon the analogy of similar changes in the past, 
 about which no doubt or mistake is possible, and I find 
 that upwards of two million seven hundred and fifty 
 thousand years must elapse before this contrast will 
 exist to the marked extent I have described ; the change, 
 however, will be watched with the greatest care and pre- 
 cision by scientific men, who will all ultimately them- 
 selves be compelled, in order to escape this fate, to become 
 American noblemen. 
 
 I have been led into this slight digression in order to 
 show how grand and inspiring is the mission which the 
 aristocracy of the New "World has before it. It is 
 needless to say that it will be aided in its development 
 by the peculiarly favourable conditions, both of soil and 
 climate, which are special to the western hemisphere. 
 While the nations of Europe, in obedience to those san- 
 guinary instincts which prove their close connection witli 
 the ferce naturae from which they are descended, are 
 engaged in a fierce and bloody struggle, from which it is 
 very doubtful whether the fittest will survive, the Amer- 
 ican aristocracy will be peacefully and intelligently im- 
 proving its breed. Carefully avoiding, under the direc- 
 tion of their domestic chaplains, any differences of 
 opinion on matters of theology, which can in no way
 
 288 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 advance the interests of the Order, they will not feel 
 disposed to commit " atrocities " on Christian principles, 
 or otherwise check the physical progress of the race, out 
 of regard for its spiritual welfare. 
 
 We now come to the fourth and last institution, the 
 " Tribunal of the Order." This will be composed of the 
 most eminent and learned noblemen duly elected, together 
 with a few family counsel who are most eligible for 
 promotion. It will constitute a sort of Court of Appeal 
 from the Heralds' College. Before it will be tried the 
 cases of all such noblemen as have infringed the laws of 
 the Order, by assuming honours to which they are not 
 entitled; treating with indifference the rules of etiquette ; 
 conducting themselves in private life, or in their inter- 
 course with the democracy, in a manner unbecoming 
 their dignity; marrying or giving in marriage in disre- 
 gard to the veto of the Heralds' College, — and so forth. 
 It will be a Court of Eeference and Arbitration in all 
 cases of dispute between members of the Order ; and it 
 will try money-grubs, family counsels, or domestic chap- 
 lains, who may have proved unfaithful to their trust. 
 There will be a scale of pains and penalties inflicted 
 proportionate to the offence committed, the most severe 
 of which will be expulsion from the Order, with depriva- 
 tion of rank, and excommunication from all social inter- 
 course whatever. Under no circumstances will noblemen 
 be permitted to bring lawsuits against each other before 
 the established judicatory of the country. This is partly 
 because it would not comport with their dignity to do 
 so, and partly because the judges, being elected by the 
 democracy, and being themselves plebeian, they would,
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION". 289 
 
 except in the case of a family counsel happening to be 
 a judge, decide upon democratic principles, which, as a 
 rule, do not further the ends of justice. The Tribunal of 
 the Order would therefore, in serious cases, have recourse 
 to the far safer, more enlightened, and more expeditious 
 method of trial by single combat before a jury of peers, 
 according to the rules thereunto provided. . 
 
 From all this it will be seen that the nobles, while re- 
 fraining from pursuits involving the acquisition of wealth, 
 or from in any way mixing with the common herd, will be 
 by no means an idle class. Besides indulging in horse- 
 racing, yachting, coaching, hunting, and other manly 
 sports, they will have three professions open to them in 
 addition to the domain of art, science, and literature ; 
 besides which, the two Colleges and Tribunal will give 
 ample serious occupation to such of their members as 
 have the privilege of belonging to these bodies. It is 
 desirable that they should travel extensively, and spend 
 much of their time in social intercourse with the aristo- 
 cracies of other countries. They will probably find life 
 in the country-houses of the British aristocracy especially 
 congenial to their tastes. Here they will be well re- 
 ceived, and there will be no objection in point of taste or 
 etiquette to their protracting such visits indefinitely. It 
 would be considered a duty and a privilege in England 
 to entertain the nobility of America — a hospitality which 
 the latter could return by restoring the fortunes of many 
 poor and decaying families of the British aristocracy, by 
 bestowing upon the eldest sons well-portioned daughters. 
 Having no extensive landed possessions, they would prob- 
 ably not have castles in the country in which to receive 
 
 T
 
 290 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 their noble guests, should they return their visits ; but 
 this could be arranged by a system of palatial hotels, 
 such as already exist in the country. These would be 
 five storeys high, corresponding to the ranks of nobility — 
 dukes being accommodated on the first floor, marquises 
 on the second, and so on. 
 
 It is probable that the identity of race, language, and 
 religion would create a far closer sympathy and alliance 
 between the aristocracies of England and America than 
 between those of any other countries ; and they could in 
 many ways be mutually beneficial to each other. The 
 degrading tendency which now characterises the British 
 nobility of entering into all kinds of commercial pursuits 
 might thus be checked. Instead of going into the City, 
 and eking out a precarious and not very reputable live- 
 lihood as a guinea-pig on the boards of questionable 
 companies, the impecunious scion of aristocracy would 
 be ashamed to degrade an Order, the American branch 
 of which was setting an example of purity, dignity, and 
 the highest sentiments of honour. Indeed it is highly 
 probable that numbers of the cadets of noble families in 
 England, finding that the American nobility offered ad- 
 vantages which their own did not, would apply for 
 admission into its ranks. Such cases would come under 
 the rules laid down in the Heralds' College, regulating 
 the admission of applicants from foreign aristocracies. 
 
 These rules would be very strict in all matters of 
 pedigree and antiquity of title : thus no British aris- 
 tocrat, whose creation did not date back beyond the first 
 settlement of America, would be eligible. No members 
 of any French family ennobled since the Eevolution of
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 291 
 
 1789 need apply. Austrian candidates must all prove 
 their sixteen quarterings, and so on. Nor would this 
 rule be relaxed in favour of royal or ex-royal families. 
 While the Hapsburgs, Bourbons, Guelphs, Hohenzollerns, 
 and even Bomanoffs, would be eligible, the Bernadottes 
 of Sweden and all the Bonaparte family would be ex- 
 cluded. One must draw the line somewhere. 
 
 I have said that when the Order numbered two hun- 
 dred, it was in a position to constitute itself secretly. 
 When it had organised its four institutions, formulated 
 its rules, and completed its social structure in every 
 respect, the moment would have arrived when it would 
 be its duty openly to announce its existence and enter 
 upon its functions. When I remarked that naturalists 
 had observed, in the case of the animal kingdom, that 
 the first step in the process of evolution was the most 
 painful, I neglected to state that the last moment, though 
 not attended with any physical suffering, is extremely 
 distressing to the moral sensibilities of the animal : thus, 
 when the first man openly and boldly stepped forth 
 entirely tail-less, his modesty and shyness were so great 
 that the first use he made of his newly awakened intelli- 
 gence was to clothe himself. We must all feel instinc- 
 tively that this could not have been otherwise. In the 
 same way philologists have proved that, if you go back 
 far enough, the syllable expressed by our letters " f, i, g," 
 forms the common root from which all languages have 
 since evolved, with the exception of the languages of 
 certain savage tribes, who are still entirely naked. This 
 is accounted for by the fact that these people developed 
 from a race of monkeys who were themselves originally
 
 292 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 tail-less, and they were therefore spared any shock of 
 this kind ; and so their language, not being based upon 
 the sense of modesty, has not the common idea of cloth- 
 ing expressed by the word " fig " as its root, as is the case 
 with the Aryan, Semitic, and Turanian families. 
 
 It is a singular fact, and I would venture, with great 
 diffidence, and, at the same time, with the utmost cer- 
 tainty, to assert that it is a fact, of which I am the sole 
 discoverer, that the tailed monkey should have evolved a 
 much higher human development than the untailed ; and 
 yet this is only in obedience to the well-known law, that 
 life as it exists on earth " gradates " from very simple 
 into highly complex types, frequently, however, in its 
 gradation missing a link, or taking two steps at a time, 
 as it were. In this way the tail-less monkey was par- 
 tially skipped by nature, and has thus duly developed 
 into the lower type of still unclothed man. I have used 
 this illustration because it exactly applies to the sensa- 
 tions of modesty of which the American aristocracy will 
 be painfully conscious when they first announce them- 
 selves to the world. Their instinct, in order to escape 
 the ridicule of the ill-bred, jealous, and ignorant classes, 
 will be to hide themselves from the public gaze. This 
 tendency they must boldly resist : let them clothe them- 
 selves in the panoply of their Order, in their robes and 
 coronets, and appear in state carriages, each drawn by 
 eight horses, with coachmen in powdered wigs, with foot- 
 men gorgeous in blazing liveries, preceded by mounted 
 heralds. Let the new Order be proclaimed with the 
 blare of trumpets in the public places of all the principal 
 cities in the Union. False modesty at such a moment
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 293 
 
 would be criminal ; let them remember that they are 
 inaugurating a social crisis, which must affect the destiny 
 of every aristocracy in Europe. Supposing this anxious 
 period safely passed, and that they compel, as they will, 
 the recognition of all the right-minded classes of society 
 who are animated with the proper social aspirations, they 
 will be afflicted for some time with a tendency to relapse 
 into their old habits, which must be guarded against. 
 Here, again, the analogy of evolution serves as a guide 
 and a warning. When man first developed he was con- 
 scious of singular prehensile sensations, producing an irre- 
 sistible desire to follow the instinct which still lingered 
 with him, and to hang by his tail, and crack nuts. His 
 newly developed reason, however, always came to the 
 rescue in time ; by a process of ratiocination, which was 
 necessarily slow, owing to the still imperfect condition of 
 his protoplasm, he perceived that the attempt would be 
 futile and ridiculous, and he refrained. This is a striking 
 illustration of the superiority of reason over instinct. It 
 applies, in the case before us, to the dangerous instinct 
 by which the American nobleman will be at once assailed, 
 to lapse back into money-making. The instinct of com- 
 merce and bargaining will be as strong in him at the out- 
 set as the tail-hanging, nut-cracking instinct was in the 
 ape ; but it will be resisted, and no doubt successfully, 
 by his intellect. After a very short time it will pass 
 away, and he will soon feel no more desire to " operate " 
 financially than he does now to swing on the branches 
 of trees. 
 
 The next danger to be avoided is a tendency to a too 
 rapid increase in the numbers of the Order. It is evident
 
 294 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 that it can only maintain its exclusive character, and the 
 prestige by which it can command the respect of the 
 public mind, by refusing to open its ranks too rapidly 
 to those who will seek to press into them. Evolution is 
 specialisation ; therefore, in its physical progress, there 
 are always to be noticed two distinct processes going on 
 side by side — the development of a tissue, and the wast- 
 ing of the parts at the expense of which it grows. The 
 same thing will occur morally ; in proportion as the 
 social tissue of the aristocracy develops will there be 
 a tendency on the part of the democracy to waste away. 
 In order to prevent this going on too fast, it must be 
 met by checking the too rapid increase of the numbers 
 and ranks of the nobility. Thus, in the first instance, the 
 highest rank should only be that of earl ; it is probable 
 that it will be found most consonant with American 
 tastes to adopt English titles, as by these means the 
 wives and daughters will all be styled lady. Before 
 entering the ranks of the nobility, money-grubs, family 
 counsels, and domestic chaplains will be made knights, 
 baronets, and bishops ; then will come the ranks of 
 barons, viscounts, and earls. By degrees, as the Order 
 swells in numbers, and its wealth and power increase, 
 marquises, dukes, and princes may be created, but only 
 in small numbers and at great intervals, promotion to 
 these ranks being dependent upon their combined phy- 
 sical and moral fitness — a question to be decided by the 
 Electoral College. The proportion of the titled aris- 
 tocracy to the democracy should not be more than one 
 thousand to fifty million. The younger sons, while be- 
 longing to the aristocracy, should have as a distinctive
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION. 295 
 
 appellation the words " Honourable Sir " prefixed to their 
 Christian names. The Sir is necessary to distinguish 
 them from members of Congress, from State legislators, 
 and other political functionaries who now enjoy the 
 title of Honourable. The daughters below a certain 
 rank will be styled Honourable Misses. Younger sons 
 and daughters may, under certain circumstances, with 
 the approval of the Heralds' College, marry into the 
 families of such wealthy plebeians as may be likely to 
 be elected into the Order, as it is desirable to form a sort 
 of middle class by these means, from which the ranks of 
 the aristocracy may be slowly recruited. 
 
 By degrees the democracy will waste away and become 
 enfeebled, in obedience to the law to which I have already 
 alluded ; and the influence of this middle class will ex- 
 tend downwards in a manner which must surely, sooner 
 or later, affect the political condition of the country. 
 Thus the nation at large will gradually undergo such 
 social modifications under the pressure of its aristocracy, 
 as will prepare it for a revolution almost imperceptible 
 in its progress, but which will alter fundamentally its 
 republican character. Political power will eventually 
 slip away from the corrupt classes who now control it, 
 as they become weak and enervated, and inevitably fall 
 into the more sturdy grasp of those who are themselves 
 aspirants for aristocratic honours. All this will occur 
 without any direct intervention on the part of the 
 nobility, but will be the necessary result of revolutionary 
 forces working through the physical and social into the 
 political sphere. In the process of their evolution, poli- 
 tics will thus at last become sufficiently purified for the
 
 296 A NEW METHOD OF 
 
 aristocracy to consider other questions than those which 
 exclusively affect the wellbeing of their Order, and actu- 
 ally to take an interest in the good government and 
 prosperity of their country — a pursuit from which they 
 will have long been excluded. Thus there will finally be 
 evolved a form of government such as has never hitherto 
 existed. It will be oligarchical in character — as intensely 
 anti-republican in the ordinary acceptation of the word, 
 as it w r ill be anti-monarchical. While combining the 
 advantages of both systems, it will exclude their defects, 
 for autocracy and mobocracy will be alike impossible. 
 The days of emperor and demagogue will be for ever 
 ended, and the power of the plutocrat have utterly passed 
 away. What the exact character will be of the admin- 
 istrative machinery which will be devised by a class 
 alike honourable, intelligent, patriotic, and, above all, 
 disinterested, it is not for me to attempt to explain ; 
 those familiar with the laws of evolution will know, 
 given the premises as I have given them, how they must 
 of necessity develop. It is therefore competent to any 
 scientific intellect to construct the whole fabric by the 
 usual deductive process ; and it would be a mere work of 
 supererogation, and, indeed, a reflection upon the intelli- 
 gence of the best minds of the clay, were I to enter upon 
 it more fully here. It is enough for me to have shadowed 
 forth the outlines of the great social crisis now impend- 
 ing over the New World. If, by anticipating the move- 
 ment which is inevitable, I have been enabled to assist 
 those who are destined to inaugurate it ; if I should be 
 the one to give it that impetus which is always required 
 to set in motion a mighty idea, I would disclaim all
 
 SOCIAL EVOLUTION". 297 
 
 credit for this humble effort which may lead to such vast 
 and magnificent results, well knowing that it would have 
 been utterly unavailing were it not for the powerful 
 forces of nature known to be at work, and the conse- 
 quently receptive condition of those to whom it is 
 addressed.
 
 298 
 
 X. 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF A WAR 
 CORRESPONDENT. 
 
 Personal modesty is perhaps the most remarkable 
 quality of the modern war correspondent. Exclusively 
 attached to the interests of the journal by which he is 
 employed, and anxious only faithfully to chronicle the 
 splendid achievements of the general and officers upon 
 whom he depends largely for his comfort, he feels in- 
 stinctively that to narrate his own deeds of daring, his 
 hair-breadth escapes and thrilling adventures, would be 
 altogether out of place, while they would have no inter- 
 est for the public. Excepting in the rare cases when 
 his personal popularity is so great as to warrant the 
 familiarity of a nickname in the highest circles, or when 
 the extraordinary toughness of his epidermis, and over- 
 whelming devotion to the interests of his journal, induce 
 him to undertake rides of fabulous length and incredible 
 hazard, his very name is unknown ; and the thoughtless 
 public, reading a graphic description of hot encounters 
 and fierce cavalry charges, are only too apt to consider
 
 ADVENTURES OF A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 299 
 
 the narrator a mere writing -machine, impervious to 
 bullets, and devoid of a stomach. After the lapse of 
 more than ten years, I will venture to break through 
 the reserve which the extreme delicacy of my feelings 
 imposed upon me at the time, and recount a few per- 
 sonal experiences of a campaign during the late Franco- 
 German war, which may illustrate the vicissitudes of a 
 war correspondent's life, and show the public what they 
 lose through the restraints imposed by the etiquette of 
 journalism. 
 
 In November 1870, I was one of a numerous frater- 
 nity of war correspondents at Versailles. It is needless 
 to allude to the organ of public opinion which I repre- 
 sented, or to the source from which I derived the infor- 
 mation, that if I started for Orleans without an hour's 
 delay, I might be in time for a battle. At the moment 
 I was not equipped for campaigning. I had just arrived 
 from another part of Europe, and was fitting myself out 
 leisurely. I had picked up a servant at Frankfort, and 
 was negotiating for the purchase of horses, when this 
 disturbing piece of intelligence reached me. It is under 
 these circumstances that the war correspondent comes 
 out strong. To rush to the nearest fiacre stand, and 
 hire one on the spot, was the work of a few moments. 
 When the driver asked me where he was to drive to, 
 and I mildly replied Orleans, he naturally objected. 
 Even under the severe rule of the Prussians, he thought 
 he was entitled to resist a course of seventy-two miles in 
 length ; so I told him to drive me to his own stables. 
 There I conversed with him in the language of common- 
 sense, which all the world over means the language of
 
 300 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 hard cash. In half an hour he had engaged to become 
 my coachman by the month, and to buy me a carriage 
 and a pair of horses ; and an hour later I was driving 
 triumphantly out of Versailles with my servant on the 
 box, and my scanty luggage inside, on the road to 
 Orleans. Notwithstanding the promptitude of my move- 
 ments, I was too late for the battle of Coulmiers, which 
 was the more annoying as no English correspondent 
 witnessed it, and it proved one of the most interesting- 
 episodes of the war, as being the only defeat which the 
 Germans sustained, and which, if it had been promptly 
 followed up by General d'Aurelles de Paladines, would 
 have forced them to raise the siege of Paris. I can certify 
 to the fact that the road was perfectly open, as from 
 the moment I left the investing army, to the moment of 
 my joining General von der Tann at Toury, I had not 
 passed a German soldier. The Bavarian force, who had 
 fought more than four times their number at Coulmiers, 
 were so exhausted with the battle and the subsequent 
 retreat, that had D'Aurelles de Paladines fallen upon 
 them at the hour of my arrival, as General von der Tann 
 momentarily expected him to do, they would have been 
 quite unable to offer any resistance, and there would 
 have been nothing to prevent the French army of 
 seventy thousand men taking them all prisoners, and 
 four days later attacking the besieging Germans at Paris. 
 Those who were at Versailles at this juncture will re- 
 member the preparations which took place for raising 
 the siege. However, I alluded to all this at the time in 
 the columns of my " organ." What I did not mention 
 was, that I hardly found myself within the German lines
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 301 
 
 when my servant was arrested as a spy, and, to my 
 horror, compromising documents were found upon him, 
 which not only rendered all attempts to release him 
 hopeless, but indiscreet, as likely to involve me in the 
 same suspicious category. Indeed, for some days after- 
 wards, in spite of my own papers being in order, I felt 
 myself under a cloud. I had left Versailles in such a 
 hurry that I had come unprovided with letters of intro- 
 duction, and I now found myself not merely without 
 acquaintances, but with no one except a French " cabby," 
 who regarded every soul he met with mingled feelings 
 of fear and aversion, and who, of course, could not speak 
 a word of German, to act as a servant. In one respect 
 this was fortunate, for nearly all the provisions in the 
 village had been exhausted ; and had it not been for my 
 coachman's influence as a compatriot, neither he nor his 
 horses nor I should have had anything to eat. Not 
 being attached formally to this particular corps cl'armde, 
 I had neither lodging nor rations provided for me, but 
 had to scramble for both. Under these circumstances, I 
 was not sorry to stumble upon a German colleague in 
 like distress ; and after giving him some of my dinners, 
 I offered him a share in a room I had secured in the 
 house of a peasant, and a seat in my carriage for the 
 rest of the campaign. 
 
 This commenced three days afterwards, on the arrival 
 of the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg with 30,000 men. 
 I found myself the only English correspondent with 
 this army, and we made a most enjoyable three weeks' 
 march, through some of the loveliest scenery in France, 
 in pursuit of an enemy who always vanished as we
 
 302 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 advanced, and whom, if he existed in force, we never 
 overtook. Here, again, D'Aurelles de Paladines lost his 
 chance, for during the whole of these three weeks there 
 was nothing to oppose his march to Paris. We had 
 only two trifling skirmishes, — one at Dreux, and the 
 other at Bretoncelles ; but the march was by no means 
 devoid of personal incident. The course of procedure 
 which was forced upon me in the earlier part of the 
 campaign by my undefined position with the army, 
 possessed this merit, that it led me into adventures, 
 and procured me experiences, which I should have 
 missed, had I been regularly attached to the Head- 
 quarter staff. Having to look out for board and lodging 
 for myself, I found that the only chance of obtaining 
 either one or the other, was to go in advance of the 
 army, and hover upon that neutral ground which con- 
 stantly exposed me to the chance of being taken prisoner. 
 To start with the rest of the army, to follow in its wake 
 with the baggage, and to arrive after it at the end of 
 the day's march, to find every corner occupied, was to 
 encounter an amount of fatigue, discomfort, and starva- 
 tion for which nothing could compensate. Whereas to 
 penetrate the mystery overnight of the direction of our 
 march next day, and by the aid of a good map to take 
 circuitous roads, unhampered by troops, — to arrive as 
 soon or sooner than the quarter " makers," as the ad- 
 vanced guard is called, who go ahead to billet the troops 
 for the night — to push on half-a-mile or so beyond 
 them, and select my own quarters, combined a certain 
 amount of risk with a considerable degree of comfort. 
 By these means I succeeded in sleeping between clean
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 303 
 
 sheets every night during the campaign. My horses 
 never wanted for forage, and my dinners were sometimes 
 quite artistic in their excellence. There was a constant 
 excitement in the uncertainty attending this hunt for 
 night quarters, and my most varied and amusing experi- 
 ences arose from this source. My German companion 
 did not quite approve of this method of procedure, as 
 he was constantly haunted by the fear of being taken 
 prisoner, and as a German he would probably have fared 
 worse than I should. On the other hand, his nationality 
 often proved of the greatest service to me, on occasions 
 when our night quarters were beaten up by Uhlans, and 
 we were regarded as suspicious characters, in consequence 
 of our being so isolated from the rest of the army. He 
 was also great friends with the postal officials connected 
 with the force, and used to take my letters to the rear 
 with his own, when it was inconvenient to me to leave 
 the front. On the other hand, as the enterprising journal 
 he represented had not provided him with means suffi- 
 cient to keep a horse, he was only too glad to be driven 
 along the line of march in my carriage. So we were 
 mutually useful to each other ; and he was obliged to 
 agree to the somewhat hazardous method of campaigning 
 which I had adopted. Our first alarm took place two 
 days after leaving Toury. There was a heavy fog, and 
 we had been driving ever since the start on a road of 
 our own choosing, quite unhampered by troops, and were 
 congratulating ourselves on the rapidity of our progress, 
 when, suddenly, we were startled by a horrible fanfare 
 of French trumpets, issuing from a village scarcely a 
 hundred yards distant on the left. At the same moment
 
 304 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the fog lifted, and right in front of us were a body of 
 French cavalry, some forty or fifty in number, watering 
 their horses at a pond by the road-side. Fortunately 
 there was a haystack on the edge of a field to our right, 
 and our coachman, who was more alarmed at the sight 
 of his countrymen than we were, for he felt they would 
 have no mercy upon him for hiring himself to his 
 enemies, with great presence of mind rushed the carriage 
 across the ditch and behind the stack before we were 
 observed. Here we remained for some moments in a 
 state of the utmost trepidation ; the detestable trumpets 
 seemed to be growing louder as they approached nearer, 
 and we dreaded lest the fog should clear off altogether, 
 — for the prospect of a game of hide-and-seek with a 
 carriage and a pair of horses round a haystack was by 
 no means reassuring. Fortunately a fresh cloud of mist 
 came driving over us, and after getting out of the 
 carriage and peeping round the corner of the stack to 
 see if the enemy were anywhere visible, I gave the word 
 for a speedy retreat, and a moment afterwards we were 
 galloping back over the road we had come. We had 
 retraced our steps for nearly an hour before we came 
 to the cross road which we should have taken, and not 
 long afterwards we found ourselves among the baggage 
 waggons of the German troops, and considerably startled 
 the officer in command by our intelligence of the prox- 
 imity of the enemy. 
 
 As, however, we heard nothing more of them, the 
 probability is that, instead of trying to find us, they were 
 in reality doing their utmost to get out of our way. 
 Before nightfall we had made another divergence, and
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 305 
 
 headed the troops, arriving at a small hamlet, consisting 
 of about a dozen houses, which had been already visited 
 by some Uhlans, but which we found quite deserted 
 except by two decrepit old women. This was the only 
 occasion upon which I found that the terror of our ap- 
 proach had frightened away the whole population. Near 
 the hamlet, which was unusually squalid, was a brick- 
 field, with a smart, newly-built house, evidently belonging 
 to the proprietor of the brick-fields. Here we determined 
 to quarter ourselves. Its owner had decamped after 
 locking the door. We had no difficulty in breaking in 
 at one of the windows, and found abundant evidence that 
 he had only just taken his departure. The milk, butter, 
 and eggs in his well-stocked larder were quite fresh. 
 There was an excellent cheese, some sausages, and some 
 delicious compote, with plenty of bread. After rummaging 
 some time we found his wine and coffee. He was evi- 
 dently a well-to-do man, and the sheets, towels, table- 
 linen, &c, which we found in a press, which we were, 
 unfortunately, obliged to break open, were of an excellent 
 quality. In fact, nothing was wanting to make our stay 
 agreeable. We made up two beds with clean sheets and 
 good thick blankets ; we boiled some potatoes ; made an 
 omelette, and a sago pudding ; and this, with the addi- 
 tion of cheese and sausages, was very good camp fare. 
 In the morning we had bread and butter and preserve 
 with our cafe" au lait. It is difficult to say wherein lies 
 the peculiar charm of making free with what does not 
 belong to one ; but there can be little doubt that had 
 the proprietor remained at home and treated us as hos- 
 pitably as we treated ourselves, our visit would have 
 
 U
 
 306 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 been robbed of all its piquancy. We left a line on his 
 table thanking him for the excellent fare which we had 
 
 o 
 
 enjoyed at his expense, and expressing our regret that 
 we had no other means of testifying our gratitude. I 
 was sorry upon more than one occasion during this 
 campaign to find a growing laxity in my ideas in the 
 matter of meum and tuum, — forced upon me no doubt 
 by the stress of circumstances and the conventional war 
 standard of morality. Thus one morning the coachman 
 came with a long face to inform me that the horses and 
 harness had been stolen. The army was already under 
 way, and unless I could provide myself with fresh nags, 
 there was nothing for it but to be left behind. As we 
 were making a flying march, and the country was not 
 going to be permanently occupied just then by German 
 troops — being left behind meant falling into the hands 
 of the French. In this dilemma, I applied to an officer 
 with whom I had made friends, for advice. His sugges- 
 tion had the merit of simplicity. " Supply the horses 
 and harness which have been stolen from you by stealing 
 somebody else's horse and harness — only take them from 
 the French, not from us, or you will get into trouble." 
 As my horses had certainly been taken by the Germans, 
 this did not seem quite logical ; but I was not in a 
 position to discuss the matter, so I strolled about the 
 little town with felonious intent. We were in La Perche, 
 the province of horses, and presently I observed a large 
 grey standing attached to the wheel of a waggon with 
 no one near him. " There is just the horse for us," said 
 the coachman, who quite entered into the, spirit of the 
 thing. " Untie him then as quickly as you can, and
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 307 
 
 slip round the corner of the street with him." This 
 was accomplished unobserved, but we failed to find 
 another. 
 
 Meantime the town was clearing rapidly of troops, so 
 we decided to look for harness. While we were about 
 it, we thought it as well to take a double set ; and it 
 was some time before we found an empty stable contain- 
 ing one. Now it may be suggested that we might have 
 managed, had we been strictly honest, to pay both for 
 horse and harness ; but, practically, it was not so. I 
 strongly suspect the horse had just been requisitioned by 
 the Germans, which gave additional zest to the capture, 
 as the French owner, whom I did not know, was none 
 the greater sufferer, and I wanted my revenge. I should 
 have been delighted to pay for the harness, if I could 
 have found any Frenchman with a set of double har- 
 ness to dispose of; but most of the male population 
 were absent, and I had no time to lose. I think it very 
 possible the harness I did take had also been requi- 
 sitioned. As we left the town with a single horse on 
 one side of the pole, we looked somewhat as if we were 
 taking a carriage to be repaired at the carriage maker's, 
 and altogether presented such a humiliating appearance, 
 that I determined to find a match for my grey without 
 delay. We had not driven a couple of miles, before a 
 fine young 1'ercheron trotted up to the gate of a field 
 opening upon the road, and, with pricked-up ears, looked 
 inquiringly at my turn-out. I determined instantly to 
 gratify his curiosity, and jumped out to scratch his nose, 
 and offer him a piece of bread while I slipped a halter 
 over his head. He was evidently quite new to harness,
 
 308 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and the set I had did not fit him very well ; but his 
 temper was angelic, and altogether I decidedly gained 
 by the loss of my original pair. I confess I have been 
 haunted ever since by the picture which my imagination 
 presented of the grief of his owner. 
 
 Scarcely a day passed without my witnessing scenes, 
 inseparable, doubtless, from a state of war, but rendered 
 more painful by the emotional nature of the French 
 peasant. I have even seen a well-to-do farmer burst 
 into an agony of tears, because out of six farm-horses 
 one was requisitioned from him. I have seen peasants 
 blubbering, for the better part of a day, simply because 
 they were required to accompany the army with their 
 horse and cart for two days, without pay, after which 
 they were allowed to go back to their homes. I think 
 Frenchmen cry more fluently, if I may be allowed the 
 expression, than Frenchwomen do. Indeed, the attitude 
 of the latter, in the presence of an invading army, was 
 always far more dignified than that of the men. The 
 latter either decamped before our arrival, or would go 
 out of their way to overwhelm one with civility and 
 offers of service, their desire to propitiate their conquerors 
 amounting sometimes to the most abject servility ; while 
 the women always showed their dislike most unreserv- 
 edly. I soon found that in my position as " benevolent 
 neutral," I was often less favoured than my German 
 colleague. This, however, was not always the case ; and 
 upon one occasion, when I was alone, I decidedly fared 
 better than if he had been with me. It was in a large 
 town ; he had quarters for himself, and I had established 
 by this time such good relations with headquarters, that
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 309 
 
 I could get a billet, on applying for it, when I chose. 
 On receiving my billet on this occasion, I went to the 
 number and street indicated, and knocked long and loudly 
 at the door of a small house, which seemed deserted. At 
 last, just as I was making up my mind to break in, the 
 door was opened a couple of inches, and a little old man, 
 in a high and plaintive key, told me it was absolutely 
 impossible for him to give me the required accommoda- 
 tion. I explained to him I should be the best judge of 
 that on examining the premises, and reluctantly forced 
 myself into the passage. He led me into a dirty stuffy 
 little room, in which there was nothing but an old horse- 
 hair couch. " This," he said, " is my bed for the present : 
 the one I usually occupy contains my only domestic, who 
 is now in a dying state. The other two small rooms in 
 the house have never been furnished, as I am very poor. 
 Would monsieur like to look at my only domestic, and 
 satisfy himself as to her desperate condition ? " And 
 he led me into a small darkened apartment, where an 
 extremely pallid, wrinkled old woman was apparently 
 breathing her last in short gasps. In fact, it seemed 
 probable that if I passed the night on the floor of his 
 sitting-room, I should come in for a death-scene. " As 
 for dinner," he said, " I have absolutely nothing to offer 
 monsieur. Since Marie has been dying, I have taken 
 my meals with a friend, and there is no food in the 
 house." 
 
 The position was discouraging. It was seven in the 
 evening. I had eaten nothing since mid -day, and to 
 turn out and look for food and lodging in a town crowded 
 with troops was a hopeless undertaking. Meantime the
 
 310 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 carriage and horses were standing at the door ; the latter 
 had to be provided with stabling and forage, and nothing 
 could be done for them until I knew where I was to be 
 quartered. I still felt very sceptical about the barrenness 
 of the old gentleman's larder, and the absence of any- 
 other bed than that occupied by the sick woman, so I 
 decided upon a last appeal. " My friend," I remarked, 
 " I pity the fate that is in store for you. There is a 
 whole regiment of Prussians still unprovided with billets ; 
 if I go and report that I have failed to get officers' quar- 
 ters here, a dozen privates will be billeted upon you. 
 Now I am not a Prussian, but an Englishman. I will 
 not only give you as little trouble as possible, but I will 
 protect you from the inroads of Uhlans and others who 
 are beating up quarters for themselves." But I had 
 scarcely got so far when the little man interrupted. 
 " Say no more," he said ; " it is enough that you are an 
 Englishman ; why did you not tell me that at first ? I 
 am a retired surgeon in the navy, and in many parts of 
 the world have found good comrades among Englishmen, 
 to whom I am devoted. Hey, Marie, live toi, — jump out 
 of bed, cook a good dinner, and get the bedroom up-stairs 
 ready for this English monsieur." In a moment the 
 moribund old female was on her legs in full costume. 
 She had hopped into bed just as she was, and feigned 
 the death agony to perfection. There was no symptom 
 of shortness of breath about her as she ran briskly up- 
 stairs and showed me a nicely furnished little bedroom, 
 with a most inviting-looking bed. And in less than an 
 hour I was eating a first-rate bouillon, followed by a filet, 
 and washed down with a bottle of excellent Burgundy,
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 311 
 
 my host meanwhile recalling the reminiscences of his 
 naval career, and the names of English admirals and 
 men-of-war. Then we diverged into politics, and sat 
 smoking and talking till midnight. I was glad to have 
 an opportunity of making good my words, for a party of 
 soldiers came to look for quarters, and I was able to save 
 my host from invasion by showing my billet, and telling 
 them that I was attached to headquarters. 
 
 Upon another occasion I was billeted with my German 
 colleague upon a retired opera-singer, called in my billet 
 "lyric artist," who lived in a charming little suburban 
 residence, and who received us with an air of profound 
 disgust. He took no pains to conceal his aversion, so 
 far as my companion was concerned, up to the end ; but 
 when he found I was an Englishman, his manner towards 
 me entirely changed, and we became such great friends 
 that he insisted upon my staying with him for two days 
 after the army had left, — not, however, extending his 
 invitation to my colleague, who got a lift in an ambu- 
 lance until I overtook him. 
 
 My host was a musical enthusiast, but had infused 
 into his love for his art a spiritual theory which was 
 original and interesting. In his view, the timbre of the 
 voice, and the excellence of the execution, depended 
 largely upon the moral condition of the performer ; and 
 the singer approached perfection in the degree in which 
 he or she lost all self-consciousness or personal ambition, 
 and sung only with the one object of bringing out the 
 strong points of the voices of others. In other words, 
 the quality of the voice was conditional on the utter 
 unselfishness of the individual, on his purity of life and
 
 312 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 motive, and on the exalted nature of his aspirations. My 
 host said he had a living illustration of the excellence 
 which might be thus attained, in the person of his own 
 daughter, whom he had trained morally upon his system, 
 and who, he averred, possessed an incomparable voice, 
 which, however, she could not use professionally, because 
 as the jealousy of all the other singers would be excited, 
 her voice would be unable to retain its purity, and be 
 overwhelmed by the passions which it roused. In fact, 
 she could only sing alone, or with some one whose nature 
 was as lofty as her own ; and he had only succeeded in 
 instilling into one of his pupils sentiments sufficiently 
 high to enable them to sing together. Unfortunately, on 
 hearing the news of the approach of the German army, 
 he had sent this interesting young lady to a place of 
 safety, and could only show me her photograph ; and I 
 am bound to say I have seldom looked upon a face of 
 more ideal loveliness, or had my imagination more power- 
 fully excited in favour of a young lady, without seeing 
 her, than upon this occasion. Since the conclusion of the 
 war, I have several times regretted my inability to carry 
 out my intention of paying another visit to my old operatic 
 friend. 
 
 Variations of this sort in the course of a campaign are 
 a relief from the more degrading interests which turn 
 solely upon the slaughter of one's fellow-creatures ; and 
 I was more refreshed one night that I passed in a 
 monastery of Franciscans, discussing theology until the 
 small hours of the morning, than if I had spent the same 
 time in the excellent bed which the good fathers had 
 prepared for me. In fact, campaigning is pleasant
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 313 
 
 enough with interesting and comfortable night-quarters, 
 and no battles ; but there is another side to the medal, 
 which it is time to present to my readers. In due 
 course our delightful military promenade ended, and, to 
 the great disgust of the soldiers, they found themselves 
 back at the spot from which they had started three 
 weeks before, having accomplished nothing beyond 
 wearing out the soles of their boots : but there was hot 
 work in store for them. I passed a restless night in 
 the little town of Janville, in anticipation of the fight 
 which was to take place on the following day, and at an 
 early hour next morning we were en route for the front. 
 The artillery had already begun to roar, and a drive of 
 an hour brought us to the ambulances, and the first 
 wounded men straggling back to them. Then we came 
 across a French battery of artillery, which had already 
 been captured ; and then, as the shells from the enemy's 
 batteries began to crack overhead, it became time to look 
 for a place of comparative safety, from which to see the 
 progress of the battle. On a slight eminence, well out 
 of the line of fire, stood a farm, flanked by two high 
 towers, and occupied by 2000 men, under the command 
 of General von der Tann's brother. It struck me that 
 a good view of the battle-field, which was a slightly un- 
 dulating plain, could be obtained from the summit of 
 one of these towers ; and after introducing myself to 
 the general, and obtaining his permission to make the 
 position he occupied my point of observation, I ascended 
 one of them, where, in a small room at the very top, I 
 found a number of soldiers, who had knocked loopholes 
 in the walls, through which, and from a small window,
 
 • 1 
 
 14 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 I had an excellent view of the long line of German artil- 
 lery, partially enveloped in its own smoke. Through 
 the rifts in it, as it curled away to leeward, I could 
 make out the whole position of the French, and see their 
 regiments massed in order of battle in the extreme 
 distance. We had the night before joined hands with 
 the division of the Eed Prince ; and there could not 
 have been less than 80,000 men engaged on either side. 
 Though the forces equalled those at Waterloo, the public 
 had been so satiated with battles on a large scale during 
 the earlier periods of the war, that the battle of Patay, 
 which I was now witnessing, created comparatively little 
 sensation. In the letter which I sent to my " organ " at 
 the time, I endeavoured accurately to describe the move- 
 ments of the troops, and the varied fortunes of the battle, 
 as I looked down upon it mapped out on the plain at 
 my feet. But I found myself abruptly compelled to 
 bring my notes to a close by a turn of events for which 
 I was utterly unable to account, and which converted 
 my post of observation from one of comparative safety 
 to one of the most extreme peril. How a whole French 
 division managed, without our observing them, almost to 
 surround the farm, was evidently a matter of as much 
 astonishment to the twenty or thirty soldiers who had 
 been looking through the loopholes as it was to me, — 
 but in a moment all was noise and smoke. The bullets 
 rained like hail upon the stone walls of our tower, and 
 I was pushed away from the loopholes and window to 
 make way for the barrels of the rifles which were pointed 
 through them upon the closely packed ranks of the 
 French below. Finding it impossible to see anything
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 315 
 
 more, and half suffocated by the smoke, I ran hurriedly 
 down to see how matters w r ere progressing below. I 
 found several men lying dead or wounded in the farm- 
 yard, which was surrounded by a low wall, behind 
 which men were crouching and firing. I crept past 
 them on my hands and knees to the sheds and stables, 
 in which I observed the General and his aide-de-camp. 
 Here there was a room already filled with wounded men. 
 The balls were whizzing across the courtyard in every 
 direction, and the fire was getting hotter every moment 
 as the enemy pressed closer to the attack. They were 
 evidently in such force, that I ventured to ask the 
 General whether he did not think he would be com- 
 pelled to surrender. To my dismay he replied that this 
 was out of the question : the farm had become the key 
 of the position, upon which the whole battle might 
 depend ; and if it came to a hand-to-hand conflict, he 
 was determined to fight it out to the last man. 
 
 It was only too clear that I had got into a sort of 
 " La Haye Sainte," — the very last place for a benevolent 
 neutral to be found in by an exasperated enemy. I felt 
 that my duty to the paper I represented, as well as to 
 my country, required me to sacrifice any longing I might 
 have to seize the rifle of a dead soldier, and fight with 
 my back to the wall until I fell covered with wounds, 
 and seriously to consider the question of my personal 
 safety. It occurred to me that when it came to the last 
 struggle, the safest place would be the tower I had evacu- 
 ated, as, if the enemy took the farm down below, the men 
 in the tower, even if they still remained in it, would be 
 sure to surrender ; and to surrender gracefully and with
 
 316 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 dignity, was an act of warfare for which I felt myself 
 fully qualified. In fact, I quite regretted that I had not 
 a sword, instead of a pen, to hand, with a conciliatory 
 and complimentary speech, to a French officer. 
 
 When I got back to the room in the tower, it was 
 more sulphureous than ever. One man had been hit by 
 a ball through the window, and seemed in extremis ; the 
 men were grimy with smoke ; the balls were pattering 
 more hotly than ever, and I had no desire to try and 
 look out ; so I squatted a few steps down the stairs from 
 the doorway for air, and took more notes to distract my 
 mind. Presently I heard a shout from the room above, 
 and a renewed roar of musketry fire : then the pattering 
 of balls ceased suddenly. I rushed to the window : the 
 soldiers were laughing, and made way for me, and I saw 
 one of those sights which remain fixed upon the memory 
 for life. The Hessian brigade had suddenly taken the 
 French in flank, and poured in a withering fire : the 
 latter had wavered and broken — the Germans rushed 
 on ; their bullets rained on the retreating masses. The 
 whole field was strewn with dead and dying, — the near- 
 est French dead being within two hundred yards from 
 the farm buildings, which proves that they must have 
 been almost in the act of attempting to storm it when 
 relief thus opportunely arrived. It is probable that even 
 had the French taken the farm, it would have been 
 speedily retaken ; but the slaughter on both occasions 
 would have been fearful, and I shudder to think what 
 would have become of me. As it was, I went instantly 
 on to the corpse-strewn field, and did what I could for 
 the wounded until the arrival of the ambulances an hour
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 317 
 
 afterwards. My brandy flask was soon emptied ; there 
 was no water near ; and all I could do was to change the 
 positions of the wounded men, prop them up against 
 trees where there were any near, try and make tourni- 
 quets of their own handkerchiefs when they had any, and 
 so forth. The tide of battle rolled away in another direc- 
 tion, and I had to follow it ; but all the rest that I saw 
 on that day, is it not written in the columns of my 
 " organ," in a military style which would do credit to the 
 chief of the staff ? 
 
 There was fighting again all next day, but the only 
 personal incident which occurred to me was late in the 
 evening. I have already stated that I was ready to en- 
 counter considerable personal risk in order to secure a 
 good bed. If there is a thing I hate, it is sleeping all 
 night in an open carriage in the rain. And this seemed 
 likely to be the alternative, if the result of the day's fight- 
 ing did not take us into Orleans. From a little after day- 
 break we had been pushing the enemy slowly but steadily 
 before us, and towards five in the afternoon the firing 
 had slackened considerably. Upon one occasion already, 
 in my hurry to push on, a shell had burst so close to the 
 carriage, while I was feeling my way to the front on foot, 
 that the coachman had turned tail and tied, giving me a 
 hunt of an hour before I could find him, and he now 
 reluctantly forced his way past the advancing troops. 
 Everybody I asked told me the same story — that the 
 advanced guard had entered Orleans. By the time I 
 reached the suburbs of the town it was eight o'clock ; 
 the weather had cleared, and there was a bright full moon 
 shining. The last German officer I had spoken to had
 
 318 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 assured me I might go on safely, although I seemed to 
 have headed the army, and the road was clear. A little 
 farther on I passed some cavalry; then all was silent, 
 and I entered the town, which was perfectly still. The 
 moon threw a dark shade over the right-hand side of the 
 first street, and I observed a German regiment drawn up 
 in the shadow. As I got to the point where the street 
 turned, an officer cried " halt," and I was just wondering 
 whether the command was addressed to me, when a 
 shower of bullets decided the coachman to prompt action. 
 The French were in the street into which we were about 
 to turn, and which was in the full blaze of moonlight, so 
 they fired at the carriage the moment it appeared round 
 the corner. How neither we nor the horses were hit 
 was a marvel. One bullet struck the iron step, another 
 crashed into one of the spokes of the hind wheel, but we 
 were round the corner and out of shot before they could 
 fire a second time ; and after driving back a couple of 
 hundred yards, I saw a closed restaurant in which I de- 
 termined to quarter myself for the night. It was some 
 time before I could make the proprietor admit his exist- 
 ence, for every house seemed hermetically sealed. In 
 quartering myself here, I took the risk of the Germans 
 not being forced back the two hundred yards, which I 
 now knew was the most advanced point they held ; and 
 as it afterwards turned out, my confidence was not mis- 
 placed. They steadily pressed on all through the night, 
 the French so silently evacuating the town before them, 
 that most of the inhabitants did not know that it had 
 changed hands ; and an English officer attached to the 
 French headquarters was much surprised when he woke
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 319 
 
 in the morning to find himself a prisoner, with two Ger- 
 man sentries at his door. 
 
 The Germans made eleven thousand prisoners on this 
 occasion, and shut them up in the cathedral, where 
 Zouaves might be heard playing polka airs on the organ ; 
 and a bed was made up on the altar, and camp-fires were 
 lighted with the prie-dieu chairs, filling the whole of the 
 vast edifice with smoke ; and the noisy cooking and sing- 
 ing and rioting seemed to be as little in harmony with 
 what one supposes prisoners to feel, as with the locality 
 in which they gave vent to their spirits. The fact is, 
 they were overjoyed at the prospect of being sent to 
 Germany till the war was over, and having no more 
 fighting to do. Their comrades, who were less lucky, 
 had some rough days in store for them under the com- 
 mand of General Chanzy. We followed the corps d'armte 
 led by this general, and had three days' hard fighting 
 with it near Meung. The first day we were outnum- 
 bered by two to one, and were under the impression that 
 we were beaten, until we saw next day that the enemy 
 had shifted his position to one in rear of that he had 
 occupied the day before. It was during the combat of 
 the second day that a personal incident, which might 
 have terminated disagreeably, occurred. The battle-field 
 on which three successive days' fighting took place was 
 an almost level plain, over which were dotted villages, 
 each one with its church and spire, and which, strongly 
 occupied and loopholed, made formidable isolated posi- 
 tions, out of which the enemy had either to be shelled or 
 forced at the point of the bayonet. 1 passed the greater 
 part of these three days seated amidst the bells in the
 
 320 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 tops of the steeples. The position was safe and com- 
 manding, and enabled me to avoid unnecessary fatigue. 
 As soon as a new village was captured with a good spire, 
 I moved to it, and remained until it was left too far in 
 rear to be useful. On this particular occasion I saw 
 a steeple which, in addition to belonging to a church 
 situated on a slight eminence, was in itself loftier than 
 any other. My longing eyes had been often fixed upon 
 its belfry, but, unfortunately, it had been from the first 
 strongly held by the French ; and little puffs of smoke 
 were perpetually being vomited from the loopholed walls. 
 For some time a very annoying battery of artillery had 
 assailed us from its neighbourhood. Meantime a change 
 of locality had become necessary, and I descended from 
 the steeple I was in to find another. I was making for 
 a village nearer the front when I came across a Bavarian 
 regiment, the colonel of which I knew. To him I ex- 
 pounded my peTichant for steeples, and my regret that I 
 did not see any chance of the one I particularly affected 
 being at my disposal. While we were talking, an aide- 
 de-camp arrived with an order that the colonel, and 
 another regiment brigaded with his, should advance and 
 storm the village in question. " Now," he said, with a 
 disagreeable suspicion of irony in his voice, — " now is 
 your chance. You have only to keep at my side, and 
 you will be in your steeple in ten minutes." The invi- 
 tation was in the highest degree disagreeable. How I 
 regretted I had said anything about wanting villages 
 taken for my benefit. I was on the point of declining, 
 when the sneering laugh of one or two officers, who had 
 joined in our conversation, changed my decision. I had
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 321 
 
 just time to shrug my shoulders with the nonchalant air 
 of a man who passed his life in carrying villages at the 
 point of the bayonet, when they were summoned to their 
 duties. The regiment was put in motion, and I found 
 myself leading it at the tail of the colonel's horse. It 
 was simply sickening, and I don't know exactly what it 
 did — I mean the regiment — when we got so near that 
 the bullets began to ping all round us. It probably 
 formed in columns of companies, or deployed on its pivot 
 flank, or did something incomprehensible ; but it had the 
 excellent effect of enabling me to get well mixed up with 
 it, so that when we all went on at a run, I got carried 
 along and into the village, only drawing my breath at the 
 door of the church, into which I bolted like a rabbit 
 into a warren, and sat down for a moment on a chair 
 to breathe, and listen to the straggling firing which still 
 went on in the street. Then I went up to the belfry. 
 All the churches were on pretty much the same model, 
 and I had no difficulty in finding my way. I had just 
 passed the organ-loft, and got a few steps up the stairs, 
 when a shot was fired apparently within a few yards of 
 me. I first jumped, and then reflected. I had not heard 
 the sound of a ball, nor could I see from what point I 
 could have been fired at. Still the noise was unpleasantly 
 close. Certainly the sooner I attained an elevation the 
 better. The bells were approached by a ladder at last, 
 and there was a mere framework to stand upon, but there 
 were splendid loopholes to look through, and the coup 
 d'ceil over the battlefield amply repaid me for all I had 
 gone through to get there. I had just adjusted my field- 
 glass, and was beginning to take a deliberate survey, when 
 
 X
 
 322 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 I heard a shout, followed by a volley of German oaths, 
 and looked down to see a huge Bavarian take a deliberate 
 " pot " at me with his rifle, the bullet flattening itself 
 against the corner of the loophole, not three inches from 
 my nose, which I had drawn in with the rapidity of 
 lightning. Why I should thus suddenly have become a 
 target for one of my German friends was a mystery to 
 me. I did not like to descend, for I was afraid of some 
 more stray shooting near the organ-loft. I did not like 
 to look out of the loophole again, for I felt that the big 
 Bavarian was on the watch for another shot ; so I sat 
 down where I was, and waited the march of events. In 
 a few moments I heard a great clattering on the steps 
 leading up to the belfry, and soon a dozen or more 
 soldiers, led by the big Bavarian, appeared at the bottom 
 of the ladder, and simultaneously pointed their rifles at 
 me, with loud commands to descend, and surrender my- 
 self as a prisoner, on pain of being shot. I replied by 
 imploring them not to fire, and all the time I was looking 
 literally down the barrels of their rifles, and hoping that 
 one might not accidentally go off. I shouted energeti- 
 cally that I was unarmed ; that I had that moment 
 entered the village with them ; and that I was a friend, 
 if they would only believe me and not fire. Still I had 
 to descend with all their rifles steadily aimed at me, as 
 though they feared I should take wing and fly away 
 through a loophole. It is not probable that any of my 
 readers know from experience what it is to descend a 
 rickety ladder backwards with twelve rifles pointed at 
 one's most vulnerable extremity : I earnestly trust they 
 may long be spared the sensation.
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 323 
 
 I was instantly seized roughly by the collar when I 
 c reached the bottom, and was again in the middle of ex- 
 planations, when, most fortunately, there appeared one of 
 the officers who had been present when the colonel asked 
 me to take part in the assault on the village. He at 
 once ordered my release ; and on my stating that I had 
 been first fired at and then captured by his own men, he 
 demanded an explanation from the big Bavarian. This 
 worthy asserted that he had been fired at out of the 
 church — that the bullet had just grazed past him — and 
 that, upon looking towards the steeple, he had seen me 
 exactly in the position from which the report seemed to 
 come. This was at once accounted for by the shot which 
 I heard after passing the organ-loft, and I suggested to 
 the officer that if we searched there we might find the 
 man who had so narrowly missed the big Bavarian, as 
 I had heard the shot proceed from it. We accordingly 
 repaired thither, and there, crouched up in a corner, was 
 a wretched Mobile. There was a general shout to him 
 of " surrender ; " but either through panic, or not under- 
 standing that he might save his life by throwing down 
 his gun, he clutched it the more tightly, and even seemed 
 . about to bring it up to his shoulder, on which the big 
 Bavarian rushed at him, wrenched it out of his hands, 
 and, with one blow of the butt, literally scattered his 
 brains over the floor. The whole episode was most 
 painful ; and when, a moment afterwards, my would-be 
 assassin slapped me familiarly on the shoulder, and 
 laughed heartily at the idea of his nearly having blown 
 out my brains by mistake, I failed altogether to see the 
 point of the joke. This day's fighting was so exciting at
 
 324 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 certain periods that I remained on the field until sun- 
 down, though I had a long way to drive back to reach 
 my quarters at Meung. Crossing on foot from one part 
 of the field to the other towards evening, I saw a village 
 which I imagined was in German possession. I deter- 
 mined to go back that way, as it would be a short cut 
 from the position in which I w T as, to where I had left 
 the carriage. As I approached within a few hundred 
 yards of it, it burst out into flame, and I paused and sat 
 down, and contemplatively smoked a cigarette. Why 
 should it burst into flame ? There was no reason why 
 the Germans should burn what might be a good night's 
 shelter. What if it were burnt by the French ? In 
 that case the Germans had not occupied it, as I sup- 
 posed, but the French might have done so before 
 abandoning it. Allons voir. I crept slowly and cau- 
 tiously on in the growing dusk, stopping every now 
 and then to listen for the sound of voices, but all was 
 still except the crackling of the flames. At last I 
 entered the village. It was entirely deserted. It had 
 been evacuated by the French, but not yet occupied 
 by the Germans. That was the second village I had 
 taken in one day. The reflection soothed my vanity. 
 I will wait here, I thought, notwithstanding the late- 
 ness of the hour, till some Germans arrive, just to show 
 them the military instinct and spirit of enterprise of the 
 British journalist. I admit it was pure swagger, but I 
 hoped I might have my revenge on the Bavarian regi- 
 ment, if the fortune of war should lead it in this 
 direction. 
 
 I waited half an hour watching the flames spreading,
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 325 
 
 looking into all the houses to see if they were empty, 
 moralising over the strangeness of my position, alone in 
 this burning village, with guns still flashing all round 
 me in the growing darkness, as if loath to cease the 
 carnage of the day. At last I heard the tramp of feet 
 and sound of words of command, and a regiment of 
 Hessians marched in. I now felt half inclined to sneak 
 out without showing myself. The task of explaining 
 who I was might prove difficult. Fortunately I was 
 getting pretty well known in the army. My rattletrap 
 old carriage with the pair of greys and the French coach- 
 man had got a reputation for pushing itself where it had 
 no business to be ; and when fighting was going on, and 
 I was poking about on foot in my plain clothes, I was 
 recognised as being the companion of the German cor- 
 respondent, who had been so long with the army that 
 he was well known, though owing to some indiscreet 
 criticisms he had now been obliged to leave it. So I 
 thought I would risk it, and I walked up in a free and 
 easy way to the colonel, and took off my hat to him as 
 an old acquaintance, to that worthy's intense astonish- 
 ment. " You ought to have been here half an hour a^o 
 when I came," I remarked ; " you could have given the 
 enemy a tremendous slating." He took my chaff very 
 good-naturedly, and said he could not be everywhere at 
 once, like a newspaper correspondent ; and he sent his 
 men to put out the fire and house themselves for the 
 night, offering to give me quarters with them: but I had 
 my letter to write and post, and this involved a five- 
 mile drive by moonlight to the rear across the most 
 ghastly field which can well be imagined. I had some
 
 326 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 trouble in finding my carriage. I had left it at a well- 
 defined position on the battle-field of the day before, 
 but to reach it I had to walk for more than a mile over 
 a plain where the carcases of men and horses were not 
 merely thickly strewn but frozen into all sorts of fan- 
 tastic attitudes. The thermometer had been 16° below 
 the freezing-point on the previous night, and men only 
 slightly wounded, who had not been able to crawl to 
 their comrades, had been frozen to death. One man was 
 stiff in a sitting position, with both his arms lifted 
 straight above his head, as though his last moments had 
 been spent in an invocation, and it gave one a shudder 
 in the clear moonlight to approach him. Others were 
 crumpled up in a death agony, and so frozen. In places, 
 many together, French and Germans were mingled, not 
 because they had been at close quarters, but because 
 the same ground had first been occupied by one and 
 then by the other, perhaps at an interval of half a day. 
 I think I was more comfortable with bullets pinging 
 in my ears, than walking amid the distorted shadows of 
 these dead and stiffened men ; and it was quite a relief 
 to see a haystack on fire, and a regiment warming them- 
 selves at it, and my prudent coachman within comfort- 
 able distance of the ruddy blaze. Then comes the hard 
 part of the correspondent's life. I had still to dine. 
 I had lived since the morning's coffee on a loaf of bread, 
 which I had been picking at all day ; then to write my 
 letter — a good two hours' task ; then to see that it was 
 safely posted, either that night or the next morning 
 early, so as to give me time to get to the field for the 
 third day's battle. And all this after having been on
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 327 
 
 a strain of exertion and excitement since daylight ; and 
 then the gentleman at ease in London reads it all in his 
 arm-chair after breakfast for a penny, or, at the most, 
 twopence-halfpenny. 
 
 On the following night I had to change my quarters. 
 The country was infested by the enemy, who were fall- 
 ing slowly back after their pertinacious resistance. We 
 had been strongly reinforced, and I was compelled to 
 abandon my plan of taking a line of my own, and obliged 
 to keep with the army. The consequence was, that when 
 the momentous question presented itself of finding a 
 night's lodging, every hole and corner of the little village 
 at which the headquarters were established was occupied. 
 The Grand Duke was lodged in a most picturesque old 
 chateau ; and every farm and cottage for miles round 
 contained soldiers. My first duty, after finding a corner 
 for myself, was to establish the carriage and horses safely, 
 and provide forage for the latter — a difficult matter when 
 it was not served out as part of the army rations. How- 
 ever it was generally possible to buy this, if not from 
 the French, from the Germans ; but the hour was usually 
 late before I was free of this care, and able to make 
 myself comfortable. Upon the night in question, I was 
 in despair. For more than an hour did I wander in the 
 darkness : the night was bitterly cold ; it was snowing 
 heavily ; and my dinner, for which I was famishing, was 
 yet in the remote distance. After vainly passing door 
 after door, only to find the chalk inscription denoting the 
 officers or men who were lodged within, I stumbled, in a 
 retired lane, upon a hovel rather than a cottage, consist- 
 ing apparently of only one room, with a window upon
 
 328 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 each side of a low door, upon which nothing was written. 
 I determined, as it was locked, to break in here ; but on 
 the bare chance of there being inmates, although there 
 was no glimmer of light, I first knocked loudly. I was 
 just proceeding to more vigorous measures, when I heard 
 a whispering, so I called out to those within to save me 
 the trouble of bursting in the door by opening it. After 
 a little delay I heard the key turn, and a woman's voice 
 timidly inquired what I wanted. I said I would explain 
 as soon as I was let in, and, pushing the door open, I found 
 myself in a room lighted only by the dying embers of 
 a fire. Striking a lucifer match, I became aware of the 
 presence of two young women, aged eighteen or twenty, 
 shivering with terror, one of them weeping bitterly. 
 These I attempted to reassure by the most dulcet tones 
 and pacific gestures. I explained my forlorn condition, 
 expressed my willingness to sleep under a hedge rather 
 than cause them one moment's uneasiness, painted in 
 strong language the dangers which surrounded them in 
 the absence of any protector, declared my willingness — 
 nay, my anxiety — to constitute myself their protector, 
 expatiated on my harmless and generally innocent dis- 
 position where the fair sex was concerned, and the lengths 
 to which my chivalry was capable of carrying me when 
 they were in peril, and finally, succeeded in extorting 
 an invitation to become their guest. I declined to force 
 myself upon them, and would only stay if asked. They 
 said they had no male protectors : one of them was 
 married, but her husband had left on the approach of the 
 Germans, and the other was her sister ; and they threw 
 themselves upon my mercy. My mercy received them
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 329 
 
 with the tenderness of a feather-bed. I asked them if 
 they had any provisions in the house, but the supply 
 was so small that, after chalking my designation on the 
 door, to prevent the room being occupied in my absence, 
 I started off to bring my traps from the carriage, and any 
 provender I could lay my hands on. I came in for a 
 slice of beef, while the distribution was being made to 
 some soldiers, and was soon comfortably established by 
 the side of a roaring fire broiling a steak, and most 
 eagerly waited upon by my two charming hostesses. I 
 soon after won their complete confidence by turning off 
 a rather noisy band of soldiers who came looking for 
 quarters, and listened sympathetically to the long tale 
 of sorrows which they poured into my ear. They were 
 very poor, and there was literally only one room in the 
 house. This contained two beds, one of which was 
 usually occupied by the young married couple, while her 
 sister slept in the other. They were hung with heavy 
 blue curtains, which completely enveloped them. The 
 sheets were coarse, but clean ; and I had a good supply 
 of my own rugs. When the cravings of my appetite 
 had been appeased, I suggested in the most delicate 
 manner that I should go to bed first, pull the curtains 
 together, and put my head under the bed-clothes, while 
 they went to rest in the bed appropriated to the married 
 couple. This arrangement suited them perfectly ; and I 
 shortly afterwards received a fresh mark of their confi- 
 dence by hearing one of them snore. The weather was 
 so boisterous on the following day, that it was impossible 
 to continue the march, so I brought enough provisions to 
 my hut for all three, and paid for my accommodation so
 
 330 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 
 
 liberally when I left the day after, — as I felt it was an 
 act of charity which would be highly applauded by the 
 proprietors of the journal I served, and out of whose 
 pockets it came, — that I have every reason to hope that 
 the two poor girls look back to the days when their 
 village was occupied by the Germans as among the 
 pleasantest and most profitable of their lives. 
 
 A couple of days after this we again found ourselves 
 in the presence of the enemy. I had established myself 
 in a low wine shop, which only contained one good bed : 
 the husband, as usual, had decamped for fear of the 
 Germans, and his wife was the solitary occupant. She 
 found a nest for herself somewhere in a loft. I started 
 off early to go to the front, telling her to expect me back 
 late, and have dinner ready for me. This all but turned 
 out quite an unnecessary order, and I was very nearly 
 prevented by a serious 'accident from ever dining again 
 in this world. The adventure happened in this wise. I 
 had as usual driven as near the front as was prudent, 
 and had then got out to pursue my investigations on foot. 
 I ultimately arrived at a farmhouse in a wood where a 
 general of brigade and his staff had established them- 
 selves, whom I happened to know. While chatting with 
 them on the chances of a skirmish before nightfall, and 
 on the proximity of the enemy, a young officer came in 
 saying that from a point he had just left he could look 
 right down into a part of the French position. This 
 point he described to me as occupied by half-a-dozen 
 men, who had crept as far to the front as possible, and 
 were now hiding behind an old ruined wall, and watch- 
 ing the enemy unobserved. As he was going back there,
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 331 
 
 I offered to accompany him, and we crept through the 
 brushwood, and then made a quick run across a piece 
 of open, to a most picturesque fragment of ruin, which 
 dominated the valley some three or four hundred feet 
 below, in which is situated the village of Freteval, then 
 occupied, as well as the heights behind, by the French 
 army. Peeping through the chinks of the ruin, I could 
 see a French regiment marching along a road beneath us, 
 within very comfortable rifle shot, apparently unaware of 
 our proximity. I remained here jotting down notes for 
 nearly an hour, and then, hearing some firing at a dis- 
 tance, determined to return to the carriage in order to go 
 and see what it was. This I could either do by keeping 
 in the woods all the time, which involved a long round, 
 or by crossing an open ploughed field, which was a saving 
 of half the distance. As everything seemed quiet where 
 I was, I determined on this latter course, and was labour- 
 ing through the soft land ankle-deep in mud, when bang 
 came a round shot, apparently aimed at me, and" buried 
 itself about twenty yards in the rear. To say that I took 
 to my heels is a figure of speech ; I had no heels. I had 
 two mountains of mud clinging to my feet, which ren- 
 dered running almost impossible. However, I did my 
 best ; and in the agony of my effort I sprawled headlong 
 on my face at the very moment when another shot, 
 better aimed, covered me with dirt. For at least ten 
 minutes more was my solitary figure a target for that 
 miserable French battery. I ceased to wonder that the 
 French lost battles when they could waste valuable 
 ammunition in this ridiculous way. I heard shouts of 
 laughter proceed from a German regiment hidden in the
 
 332 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 wood for which I was making, as they saw my frantic 
 efforts to increase my speed as each whistling, shrieking 
 ball warned me not to dally. Once they actually ex- 
 pended a shell upon me, but it cracked in the air a 
 hundred feet above me. At last, panting with fatigue, 
 I scrambled into the wood, and I must say that I was 
 most sympathetically and kindly received by the Ger- 
 mans as a return for the amusement I had afforded them. 
 There was skirmishing after this till nightfall, but I kept 
 at a discreet distance for the future ; and hungry and 
 tired as usual, I reached my humble lodging a little after 
 dark — my imagination pleasantly toying with the pros- 
 pect of the dinner which was in store for me. Alas ! 
 how vain one's anticipations often prove of pleasures 
 to come ! I found all dark, groped my way up-stairs to 
 the bedroom, and was startled as I reached the threshold 
 — I could see nothing — by the feeble pipe of an infant's 
 wail, followed by the moan of a grown-up person, pro- 
 ceeding apparently from the direction of my bed. I 
 struck a match, and there in my bed was my hostess, 
 and by her side an infant that moment born ! Not 
 another soul was in the room. She explained in a 
 feeble voice that, having no bed of her own, but only a 
 miserable grdbat in a loft, " she had taken the liberty to 
 be confined in the bed of monsieur, and would I be so kind 
 
 as to " and here she proceeded to enlist my services. 
 
 But I am travelling out of the legitimate functions of 
 journalism. I only mention the incident to show what 
 may at times be required of a war correspondent, and 
 how careful editors should be to select men of varied 
 acquirements and vast experience in all the walks of life.
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 333 
 
 The terror which the news of the approach of the 
 Germans inspired, and which, in the case of the two girls 
 with whom I lodged, and in the instance of the poor 
 mother I have just narrated, induced the husbands to 
 desert their wives, was by no means justified by the con- 
 duct of the invading army. Excepting in the case of 
 requisition for transport purposes, the people were nearly 
 always paid for what was taken from them ; and when 
 we entered small towns, the charcuterie shops might in- 
 variably be seen filled with a crowd of soldiers paying 
 across the counter for all they took. Many a tradesman 
 lost the chance of making money by secreting his stores, 
 locking up his shop, and decamping. One night I was 
 a witness of a little episode in which something more 
 dangerous than comestibles were being hidden away. I 
 had arrived among the first in a small town, secured my 
 quarters, and was looking out of the window of my room 
 over a back garden belonging to an adjoining house. 
 Presently I saw an old man emerge stealthily with a 
 spade. With this he dug what appeared to be a grave 
 behind some bushes. He then returned, and shortly 
 after reappeared, accompanied by a younger man. Each 
 was carrying at least half-a-dozen rifles. These they 
 rapidly buried, taking great care afterwards to replace 
 the earth in such a manner as to show as little disturb- 
 ance of the soil as possible ; and both, profoundly uncon- 
 scious that all their proceedings had been observed by 
 one who, if he had given information, could have got 
 them into trouble. 
 
 It was not to be wondered at that the Germans were 
 very unsparing in their treatment of franc-tireurs, cap-
 
 334 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 tured with their uniforms concealed hy the blouse of the 
 working man. I was witness one day of a curious and 
 painful illustration of the perils to be encountered, when 
 no enemy was supposed to be near, from these gentry. 
 There had not been a shot fired for three days, and I was 
 riding with a young officer of the staff whom I knew 
 well, in advance of the column, looking for quarters. 
 We joined two cavalry officers and an orderly, and were 
 standing, a group of five, in the middle of the road. My 
 companion was in the act of delivering an order with 
 which he had been charged, when he suddenly dropped 
 off his horse dead, without an exclamation. We picked 
 him up with a bullet through his heart. There was not 
 a sound to indicate the direction from which the missile 
 had come. It was evidently a chance shot, aimed at the 
 group from a point too remote for the report to be heard, 
 with the wind probably in the opposite direction. We 
 had no idea that the enemy was near, and indeed two 
 days more elapsed before we saw any signs of them ; but 
 the effect was all the more tragical and startling, and 
 deep vows of vengeance were muttered by the brother 
 officers of my young friend, whose sudden end, in its 
 mysterious silence, seemed almost to have been the 
 work of some ghastly magic. The following day I saw 
 an ostensible labourer, whose blouse concealed a franc- 
 tireur's uniform, led out to be shot. Though the man, 
 of course, denied having fired a shot on the previous day, 
 after such a tragedy the Germans were not disposed to 
 view his case leniently — and his shrift was short. 
 
 One of the most severe trials of the war correspondent 
 is when his best letters fail to reach the journal to which
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 335 
 
 they are addressed. This was the case on the occasion 
 of my entry into Chateaudun. It was rapidly growing- 
 dark, and there was a nasty cold drizzle when I reached 
 the advanced post of the army, and found, seated in a 
 field near a camp fire, the same general who had com- 
 manded in the farm-house at the battle of Patay, and 
 whom I had not seen since that occasion. I asked him 
 where he intended to pass the night : he pointed to a 
 small cottage by the roadside as his own quarters, and to 
 the surrounding wet field as the bivouac-ground of his 
 soldiers. At this point we were about four miles distant 
 from Chateaudun. I asked him whether that town was 
 still in the possession of the French. He replied that a 
 squadron of cavalry had gone forward to reconnoitre, and 
 that if I liked to take the chance of finding out for my- 
 self, there was a bare possibility of its having been already 
 evacuated ; but that there was no certainty on the sub- 
 ject, and I must take the risk. This I determined to do. 
 The prospect of sleeping in a good hotel was so much 
 more tempting than passing the night in a wet field, that 
 any momentary hesitation was speedily overcome. As I 
 drove rapidly along, I asked the few people I saw if they 
 had observed any German cavalry pass, and was by no 
 means reassured by an invariable reply in the negative. 
 In less than half-an-hour I found myself on the out- 
 skirts of the town ; and with my Orleans experience 
 fresh in my recollection, I determined to exercise the 
 utmost caution. I therefore left the carriage and walked 
 along like a private citizen, my plain clothes exciting no 
 suspicion. The fact that the coachman was a Frenchman 
 was an advantage on this occasion, as I could trust him,
 
 336 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 if he was cross-examined, to concoct a plausible story to 
 account for his presence. The picturesque situation of 
 Chateaudun, with its castle perched on an overhanging 
 bluff under which my road passed, enhanced the romance 
 of the scene, — all was so still, so solemn and grand in 
 the darkness, with now and then a gleam of moonlight 
 breaking through the clouds, and dimly defining the 
 rugged outline of the cliff. There was not a soul to be 
 seen in the street, and I did not dare to knock at a door 
 and ask if the French were in the town or not. At last 
 I met a timid-looking wayfarer, who declared he knew 
 nothing. He had apparently, from some cause or other, 
 lost his head through fear. Then I met another, who 
 told me the French had evacuated the town at least two 
 hours before. On this intelligence I went back to the 
 carriage, and drove briskly on. Then the coachman, who 
 was in mortal fear lest he should drive into the arms of 
 his own countrymen, came to a stop, and refused to go 
 on until the matter was put beyond a doubt. Soon a 
 man came running past us with consternation depicted 
 on his countenance : him we hailed, and without waiting 
 to hear what we had to say, he called out, in an agitated 
 voice, " Les Prussiens sont entr(5s ! " This was enough. 
 In a few moments more we heard their bugles, and drove 
 into the square, just as the cavalry was forming in it, 
 and playing a fanfare of triumph, to announce the cap- 
 ture of the place. It was a most exciting moment. 
 They had come by another road, and hence we had 
 made our entry into the town almost simultaneously. 
 
 I drove rapidly off to the best hotel, and as I sat 
 down to my comfortable dinner in a warm room, waited
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 337 
 
 upon in the most obsequious manner by the proprietor 
 himself, I thought of the poor fellows camping out only 
 four miles distant, and felt that, after all, the lot of a 
 war correspondent in the field, and the independence he 
 enjoyed, possessed advantages denied occasionally to a 
 general of division. My campaign was now drawing 
 to a close, and I have only one more adventure of 
 interest to narrate. Experience had made me tolerably 
 bold in the matter of forcing myself upon reluctant hosts, 
 and claiming their hospitality. I had put up with well- 
 to-do farmers, with humble peasants, with unprotected 
 girls, with priests, with a lyric artist, with a retired 
 naval surgeon, with shopkeepers, tavern keepers, citizens, 
 and bourgeois of all grades, but I had not yet been a 
 guest of the aristocracy. The army was quartered in 
 a miserable village one night, when I ventured to push 
 ahead and look for better accommodation than it afforded. 
 I went for nearly a mile beyond the advanced outposts, 
 and was just making up my mind to present myself at 
 the door of a cottage when I observed a handsome and 
 venerable pile of buildings to my right, a little off the 
 road, and evidently the residence of a noble of high 
 degree. Here I determined to risk a reception. Of 
 course all the proprietor had to do, if he did not fancy 
 my appearance, or approve of my occupation, was to 
 make a prisoner of me, and forward me on without delay 
 to the nearest French post. At the same time the Ger- 
 mans were not a mile off, — some of them would probably 
 be quartered upon him the following day; and I knew 
 that this prospect was so demoralising to the ordinary 
 French mind, that the chances were a thousand to one 
 
 Y
 
 338 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 in favour of the greatest politeness being extended 
 towards me, unless, indeed, which was still more prob- 
 able, the family had evacuated the premises. I there- 
 fore drove boldly up the short avenue, and was about 
 to knock at the door, when a respectable looking, white- 
 headed old man, the seneschal, apparently, of the castle, 
 came out of a cottage at the entrance to a well-laid-out 
 garden, and asked me what I wanted. I promptly re- 
 plied, board and lodging for myself, and stabling and 
 forage for my horses for the night. This, he regretted, 
 was impossible : the family were away, and he had strict 
 orders not to admit any one in their absence. I told 
 him he might obey his orders by watching me break 
 in ; but as the Prussians would certainly occupy the 
 premises the following day, and as they were now in 
 the neighbouring village, he had better save me the 
 trouble, and preserve the locks, by turning the key in 
 them. I, moreover, announced my intention of paying 
 him for everything I took, besides giving him a liberal 
 douceur, and a good character to my German friends. 
 This settled the question. He begged me to remain 
 outside while he went into the castle to make some 
 necessary preparations ; and a quarter of an hour after- 
 wards he returned, and opening the front door, led me 
 into a handsome hall, and up a carved old wooden stair- 
 case, along various passages, to a large oak -panelled 
 room, in which was a huge old-fashioned four-post bed, 
 and an antique fireplace, capacious enough to roast a 
 sheep, framed in an elaborate setting of finely carved 
 work. The walls of the old castle were of immense 
 thickness ; and the narrow mullioned windows let in
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 339 
 
 such a dim religious light, that, as it was growing dusk, 
 I suggested that candles should be lighted. With these, 
 presently, the seneschal returned, bearing a pair of heavy 
 silver candlesticks, and followed by a boy staggering 
 under a burden of logs, the sight of which rejoiced my 
 heart that cold winter night. Soon a gigantic fire was 
 crackling on the hearth, throwing a ruddy glow over the 
 massive oak table in the middle of the room, the stiff, 
 high-backed chairs to match, and the heavy red damask 
 curtains which surrounded the bed. The walls of the 
 room were panelled to the ceiling with oak, and were 
 adorned with two old family portraits of a knight in 
 armour, and a lady in powder and a stomacher. The 
 sight of all this gave me a luxurious and aristocratic 
 feeling in keeping with the surroundings, and I pro- 
 ceeded to order dinner on a somewhat grand scale. 
 This rather seemed to wound the feelings of the sene- 
 schal, who said that monsieur might trust him to pro- 
 vide a dinner worthy the reputation of the family whom 
 he had the honour to serve, without his troubling himself 
 to order it; and in less than two hours he was as 
 good as his word. I cannot, at this distance of time, 
 remember of what the various 'plats consisted, but I 
 distinctly remember his inquiring whether I wished for 
 champagne or Burgundy, or both ; and on my replying 
 that the latter alone would satisfy me, he brought me a 
 crue, the recollection of which dwelt on my palate for 
 many days after. The old gentleman stood behind my 
 chair while I did justice to this sumptuous repast, ex- 
 patiating on the virtues of the noble family he served, 
 and whose name he gave me, and telling me of the
 
 340 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 varied misfortunes which had befallen them, until now 
 the only representatives of this once celebrated house 
 were a young girl and her grandfather, both of whom 
 had taken refuge from the troubles which had overtaken 
 the country in the South of France. At last he cleared 
 away the debris of the feast ; and after putting more 
 logs on the fire, asking me if the bed was made to my 
 satisfaction, and if I required anything more, he took 
 his departure. I gazed upon the cheerful blaze with a 
 feeling of profound satisfaction, as I smoked my post- 
 prandial pipe ; and then, on looking round the old room, 
 sentiments of curiosity got the better of me, and I 
 determined to explore the chateau. So I sallied forth 
 with a candle, and found my way to the grand staircase. 
 This I descended, and after opening several doors in vain, 
 came upon the reception-rooms, drawing-room, sitting- 
 room, dining-room, the furniture of which was all 
 covered. Then I went along more passages on the 
 ground-floor, and reached apparently a very old part 
 of the house, for one door opened on a circular 
 stone stair, the steps of which were well worn, and 
 which descended into subterranean regions. It was 
 getting on towards midnight, and a ghostly feeling 
 crept over me as I felt the cold clamp air strike me 
 from what seemed vaults. My candle nearly blew out, 
 and I knew if it did, that I should never find my way 
 back to my cosy chamber. The first room I came to 
 was an empty vault, with a stone floor and walls, from 
 which led a dark stone passage, which I knew must be 
 a tunnel under ground. This I followed till it was 
 choked with a mass of cUlris that had fallen in from
 
 A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 341 
 
 above. As I got back to the stone room, I heard a 
 loud noise behind me in the passage I had left, and 
 which I knew was empty. My hair stood on end, and 
 I felt all my flesh creep ; but this was the result of a 
 chill, and not of fear. Nevertheless I hurried up the 
 winding stair, and must have inadvertently passed the 
 door by which I entered it, for I went up a great many 
 more steps than I had come down, and when I did reach 
 a door, it opened into a room I had not previously been 
 in — a remarkably quaint and ancient apartment. On 
 the walls some tapestry hung in shreds, and in the 
 centre was an antique bed, covered with cobwebs. It 
 was uncanny in the highest degree ; and it became clear 
 to me that I had got into the haunted part of the house. 
 I fancied I heard noises in every direction — in fact, I 
 am sure I did, but they may have been rats. I got out 
 of this room as soon as I could, and found myself in a 
 passage, which ended abruptly in a blank wall. There 
 were some doors opening off it, and some of these I tried, 
 but they were all locked. I now began to despair of 
 ever finding my way back to my comfortable bed. 
 While I was standing hesitating which door to try next, 
 I heard, beyond all doubt, the noise of furniture being 
 moved in a room behind me. I decided upon boldly 
 dashing into it if I could force the lock, and facing the 
 spirit or exorcising him — or her — as the case might be. 
 I did so : the handle turned, the door opened, and I 
 heard a little scream as I looked into a well-lighted 
 apartment. Instead of a ghost, I saw seated, in an arm- 
 chair by the fire, a very old man, with finely cut features 
 and long flowing white locks — and on a stool by his
 
 • 1 
 
 42 ADVENTURES OF A WAR CORRESPONDENT. 
 
 side a beautiful girl of seventeen or eighteen. I instantly 
 guessed that I was in the presence of the marquis him- 
 self, and his grand-daughter, and poured out a torrent 
 of profuse apologies. I had the less difficulty in doing 
 this, as having prepared myself to speak to a ghost, it 
 was a relief to address a human being, and my words 
 came fluently. The poor girl was as terrified as if I 
 had been the ghost — but the old man calmed her and 
 accepted my excuses with dignity. I was going on to 
 expatiate upon the dreadful exigencies of war, when the 
 old seneschal came rushing in. He was paralysed for 
 a moment when he saw me talking to his master, whom 
 he had told me was in the South of France, but he was 
 too much agitated by other matters to dwell much on 
 this. " A body of Uhlans had come to quarter them- 
 selves in the chateau, and what was he to do ? " I 
 comforted the marquis and his grand- daughter by prom- 
 ising to get rid of them. As they proved to be only 
 half-a-dozen men with a serjeant, I was fortunate enough, 
 after much parleying, to succeed in doing this — to the 
 immense joy of the seneschal. I sent him back to the 
 marquis with a message that I would not intrude upon 
 him again at present, but would take the liberty of pay- 
 ing my respects next morning. This I did, and we got 
 on so well that I remained to a twelve o'clock ddjeuner, 
 and was afterwards the means of rendering them some 
 service at headquarters. If I were not the most vera- 
 cious of war correspondents, I should weave a palpable 
 romance out of this episode, and finish it up by describing 
 the lovely Sidonie as looking smilingly over her husband's 
 shoulder, as he' pens these lines. Alas ! she is another's.
 
 343 
 
 XL 
 
 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN ON IRISH 
 ATROCITIES. 
 
 TO TEE EDITOR OF 'THE PAN-NATIONAL REVIEW,' 
 LONDON, ENGLAND. 
 
 " Sir.. — The enclosed article was designated for the pages of 
 the ' North American Review,' a periodical which, as you are 
 doubtless aware, occupies the highest rank in the serial litera- 
 ture of our country. Before, however, I had communicated 
 with the talented editor of that Eeview, it was suggested to me 
 by an Irish friend, that, dealing as it does with a question of 
 British politics of paramount importance, it would produce a 
 more direct effect upon public opinion in England if it were 
 published in that country instead of in America, more especially 
 if the periodical selected Avas one enjoying the confidence of her 
 British Majesty's Government. I have been informed, Sir, that 
 this is so in the case of the magazine which you edit. I have 
 therefore adapted my article to the British public, and address 
 myself to you in the first instance. Should you refuse this 
 contribution, you will easily, on perusing it, comprehend why 
 any of your Radical contemporaries would only be too glad to 
 publish it, and I will thank you to return it without delay. 
 Should you, Sir, however, perceive its value, a few words ex- 
 planatory of tin' position which I occupy in my own country, 
 and of the circumstances under which my sympathies have be- 
 come enlisted to an absorbing extent in favour of the oppressed
 
 344 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 peasantry of Ireland, may be desirable. These you are at liberty 
 to publish. I am a pure-blooded New England Republican, a 
 member of the Unitarian Church, and a politician of the highest 
 standing in my own State. I do not say this in any spirit of 
 vainglory, but because it is admitted that when it comes to 
 stumping the country, there is probably no man in New Eng- 
 land who has a greater power of swaying the masses than I 
 have — a fact Avhich I think you will be compelled to recognise 
 as soon as I commence the campaign I am about to undertake 
 in favour of reform in the administration of Ireland, and when 
 the effects of my scathing communication of the oppression 
 under which the unfortunate peasantry of that country are suffer- 
 ing come to be felt in England. 
 
 " You may not be aware, Sir, that the residt of the visit of 
 that great patriot Mr Parnell to the United States, has been to 
 divide our people into two categories, who are already known 
 as phdo-Irish and anti-Irish ; and that the question of reform 
 for Ireland wdl become a very important plank on the political 
 platform at the next Presidental election, which the Republican 
 party intends to use in order to catch the Irish vote, and also 
 because it appeals to the moral and religious side of their nature. 
 I have therefore been at great pains to derive from purely Irish 
 sources accurate information in regard to the treatment which 
 the Irish have experienced at the hands of the English, and 
 especially of the Scotch in the northern districts, who have, I 
 am informed, been camped in the island for some centuries, and 
 have acquired possession of the land upon no better right than 
 that of conquest ; and I am about to prove to our people that 
 the sacred principles of justice and morality, which are para- 
 mount to all claims of international friendship or considerations 
 of political expediency, demand our direct interference in the 
 affairs of the United, or I should rather say, the Disunited 
 Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland ; and that, if it should 
 become necessary to enter into an understanding with Russia 
 for that purpose, an alliance eminently holy might become the 
 instrument, in the hands of Providence, of rescuing an innocent 
 and interesting race from the rapine, murder, and oppression to 
 which they are now exposed. I have refrained from reading 
 the articles of the English press upon the subject, or even the 
 speeches of English statesmen, because I am assured they are
 
 OX IRISH ATROCITIES. 345 
 
 nothing but a tissue of misrepresentations and falsehoods ; even 
 if they were not, I should refuse to listen to the immoral side 
 of the question, for fear of my judgment becoming biassed. 
 
 " In the article which follows, I have endeavoured to point 
 out how the policy which I advocate is imperiously demanded 
 by the most ordinary dictates of morality; in fact, I clearly 
 demonstrate that the anti-Irish party in America are destitute 
 alike of all religious principle, as well as of every sentiment of 
 humanity. And I would here express the obligations I am 
 under to many eminent British politicians for supplying me, 
 not merely with epithets with which to characterise my political 
 opponents, but with arguments based on pure virtue, the ap- 
 plication of which to Ireland by themselves may still avert a 
 Eusso- American intervention in its affairs, and so crown a great 
 political career with a moral climax, which shall shake to their 
 foundations the corrupt international relations upon which the 
 effete and decaying empires of Europe have been established. — 
 I am, Sir, yours respectfully, 
 
 "An American Statesman. 
 " Boston, Mass., 
 February 2, I8S2." 
 
 IRISH ATROCITIES. 
 
 There can be no question that the family of nations 
 have great moral duties to perform towards each other, 
 and that these duties are not based upon treaties or 
 international obligations which have been the result of 
 wars or acts of coercive violence, or which have been 
 agreed upon by Governments at Conferences, whose in- 
 terested or selfish motives have dictated protocols or con- 
 cluded arrangements ; but are based rather upon immut- 
 able laws of right, justice, and humanity, which override 
 questions of political expediency, and the international 
 engagements — no matter how solemn — to which they
 
 346 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 may have given rise. As nations advance in civilisation 
 they acquire a moral right, involving a heavy responsi- 
 bility, to interfere in the internal affairs of States which 
 are less advanced ; to free races which the latter have 
 subjugated ; to frame constitutions and administrative 
 codes for them ; to alter and rearrange frontiers, to de- 
 prive them of their territory, and to introduce reform in 
 any way which they may think proper. The nature of 
 this interference, and the occasions when wars may be 
 undertaken to give it effect, mainly depend upon the 
 difference which exists between the religion professed by 
 the Government of the country to be reformed, and that 
 of the country which undertakes to reform it. 
 
 Given a country which has been conquered by an 
 invading race of a different religion, by whom it is mis- 
 governed and oppressed, and, provided that the invading 
 race do not come up to the required standard of civilisa- 
 tion, it becomes the moral duty of its more civilised 
 neighbours to interfere forcibly, if need be, in the manner 
 indicated. These are general principles which it is 
 impossible for any moral and humane man to dispute. 
 Those who think differently are charlatans, political 
 tricksters, and are entirely devoid of any religious in- 
 stinct or virtuous aspiration. This being so, the whole 
 question of the right of intervention for purposes of the 
 liberation of subject-races, alteration of frontiers, trans- 
 ference of territory, and the introduction of reforms 
 generally, turns upon the extent to which those races are 
 oppressed, the nature of their theological opinions, and 
 the relative civilisation of the reforming Government with 
 that to be reformed. These are questions of evidence of
 
 OX IRISH ATROCITIES. 347 
 
 sentiment and of appreciation. In regard to the first 
 point, it is clear that the only evidence which can be 
 relied upon is that of the oppressed race itself. It is 
 the interest of the governing race to extenuate its acts of 
 maladministration, to falsify reports of atrocities which 
 may have been committed, and to delude the political 
 emissaries of the more civilised neighbour with fabricated 
 lies. Whereas the oppressed race, especially if they can 
 claim a theological affinity with those who seek to remedy 
 the evils from which they suffer, can have no such mo- 
 tive. Their testimony may always, therefore, be at once 
 received without cpuestion, while the testimony of their 
 governors should be summarily rejected. 
 
 In regard to the second point. The purest morality 
 dictates that nations with whom we have no religious 
 affinity have no moral claims upon us. This principle 
 was most properly and rigorously adhered to in the case 
 of the Moslem population of Turkey, by the anti-Turkish 
 party in England. I will now apply it to the Catholic 
 Irish. As the State religion in England is inherently and 
 fundamentally vicious and immoral in principle, involving 
 the sale of livings, the sin of simony, and other evils as 
 great in our eyes as polygamy, and as we have no State 
 religion or Established Church in America, and as the 
 Episcopalian and Presbyterian Churches are established 
 in England and Scotland respectively, it follows that we 
 have no religious affinity either with the English or 
 the Scotch, and that the peoples of those countries have 
 no moral claims upon us ; nor need we entertain the 
 same sentiments of humanity towards them that we do 
 towards Churches that are not connected with the State,
 
 348 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 and the people who belong to them. I am aware 
 that the Episcopalian Church of Ireland is now dis- 
 established ; but this was a concession forced upon the 
 Government, and does not affect the general principle. 
 For this reason moral Americans are compelled sym- 
 pathetically to espouse the cause of non - Established 
 Churches. Of course there are immoral and irreligious 
 Americans — such, for instance, as those who advocate 
 the maintenance of friendly relations with England and 
 non-interference in its religious affairs, who are so lost to 
 all other considerations than those of the most grovelling 
 expediency, that they would advocate anything rather 
 than injure their position in London society. But we 
 who belong to the anti-English party take our stand 
 principally upon the Bible. And hence it is that, for 
 many of us who are not Catholics (myself among the 
 number), any more than British Protestants were mem- 
 bers of the Greek Church in Turkey, with which they 
 sympathised, to feel anything but the most profound 
 contempt and aversion for all Established Churches and 
 their members would be tantamount to abandoning a 
 sacred cause. 
 
 Again, we are much attracted by the name Catholic, 
 which means " universal," just as the anti-Turkish party 
 in England were attracted by the name Christian, though 
 the Slavs were not in reality any more Christians in the 
 practice of their religion than the Boman Catholic Church 
 is universal. It is, as I have said before, a question of 
 sentiment, and no man has a right to inquire into the 
 character of a spiritual affinity which may possibly turn 
 upon a name, and to which none but lofty and elevated
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 349 
 
 natures are capable of attaining. The fact that we hate 
 the monarchical system of government, considering it to 
 be barbarous and immoral, and that the future govern- 
 ment of Ireland under Home Eule will be Republi- 
 can, constitutes another overpowering claim upon our 
 sympathies. 
 
 As to the third point — viz., the relative degree of 
 civilisation of the two countries — that is a matter which 
 can only be appreciated by the nation which feels itself 
 morally impelled to interfere in the interests of humanity. 
 It is evident that the less civilised nation, being less 
 civilised, can have no adequate power of appreciation in 
 the matter. It would naturally, owing to its less civilised 
 state, be under a delusion on the whole subject. If, 
 therefore, there is an overwhelming religious conviction 
 and moral consciousness on the part of one nation that 
 is more civilised than the other, no other justification is 
 needed ; it becomes ipso facto invested with the right of 
 interference by force, if necessary, in the internal affairs 
 of that nation. For if this is not so, we are compelled 
 to enter upon a definition of what constitutes civilisation 
 — and as no one who is not civilised can define civilisa- 
 tion, we find ourselves in a vicious circle. To be civil- 
 ised, you must be able to define it ; to be able to define 
 it, you must be civilised. The definition of civilisation 
 by a less civilised person would seem absurd to a 
 more civilised person. And for this reason the English- 
 man's idea of civilisation usually seems absurd to an 
 American. The Turk's idea of civilisation, in like man- 
 ner, seems absurd to an Englishman ; the Chinaman's 
 idea of civilisation seems absurd to the Turk ; while the
 
 350 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 Russian is considered his inferior in civilisation by the 
 Chinaman. It is a question of degree, of which the 
 only judge is the nation, which instinctively feels its 
 superiority. It is this instinctive consciousness of supe- 
 riority — which the Chinese possess in an eminent degree 
 — that imposes the moral right of civilising crusades ; 
 and the possibility of Chinese civilisation invading Cali- 
 fornia is even now occupying the serious attention of 
 some of our most eminent statesmen — myself amongst 
 the number. 
 
 I am aware that, in laying down these broad, moral, 
 international axioms, I may be accused of plagiarism, 
 and be open to the taunt that there is no originality in 
 my definition of the moral and religious duties devolving 
 upon a civilised country, relatively to such of its neigh- 
 bours as differ from it in religion, and are less advanced 
 in civilisation ; that all this has been said over and over 
 again by English statesmen, in far plainer, more forcible, 
 and more eloquent language. This I do not deny ; but 
 I must, in my own justification, state that I held these 
 views when many of those statesmen, still in the depths 
 of moral darkness, thought everything right which they 
 now think wrong ; and that I rather think they owe 
 their conversion to a pamphlet of mine, now out of print, 
 in which I proposed the annexation of Jamaica to the 
 United States, on the ground that the negroes were being 
 oppressed in that island, and the local government was 
 in much need of reform. The insurrection which broke 
 out not long after verified my assertions. However this 
 may be, I am too glad of obtaining the powerful advocacy 
 of English radicals to cavil at any claims which they
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 351 
 
 may put forward in favour of being the originators of a 
 school of international morality which furnishes me with 
 those elevated and humane principles, the application of 
 which to Ireland I shall now endeavour to illustrate. 
 
 In the relative positions of the United States, Great 
 Britain, and the Irish people, we have an almost exact 
 analogy to those which existed between England, Turkey, 
 and the Christian races of the latter country. We have 
 the American people penetrated with a sense of their 
 own superior civilisation, animated by the purest senti- 
 ments of religion, humanity, and a lofty moral ideal. 
 We are not even fettered by treaties binding us not 
 to interfere in the internal affairs of Ireland, as was 
 the case in the treaties between England and Turkey 
 relative to the internal affairs of the latter. We have 
 cruel and rapacious Protestant landlords and Episco- 
 palian noblemen persecuting a down-trodden Catholic 
 peasantry, just as we had the ruthless Moslem Beys of 
 Bosnia tyrannising over their Christian peasantry ; but I 
 am assured by many Irishmen who have visited Bosnia 
 for the purpose of inquiring into the question, that the 
 savage treatment by the Protestant landlord of his ten- 
 antry in Ireland far surpasses that of the Bosnian Bey, 
 both in respect of his religious fanaticism and his avar- 
 icious instincts. This, I am aware, will be denied by 
 the corrupt and unscrupulous Viceroy, whose position 
 and functions resemble those of a Vali or Pasha in 
 Turkey, and who is now squeezing immense subscrip- 
 tions from the public to be devoted to his own private 
 ends : but I have the strongest evidence that the most 
 appalling horrors are being perpetually perpetrated in
 
 Q r. 
 
 52 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 the name of religion ; for I hold in my possession a 
 memorial, signed by seven Irishmen, giving a detailed 
 account of atrocities, unfit for publication, of which they 
 and their families were the victims while attending Mass. 
 
 I do not mean to assert that the Tipperary atrocities 
 were conducted on the same scale, or with the same 
 attendant outrages, as those of Bulgaria, — it is, as I said 
 before, a question of degree ; but America alone can be 
 the judge whether enough has not been done to call 
 aloud in the sacred name of humanity for her active 
 interference. 
 
 When I read the evidence of those Protestant atrocities, 
 collected by a Commissioner who' was sent to Ireland by 
 the Philo-Irish Committee for the purpose ; when I per- 
 used, in the fully and accurately informed Irish news- 
 papers published in the United States, those narratives of 
 eviction, in which the British Zaptieh, called in Ireland 
 a " process-server," and the British Bashi-Bazouks, styled 
 there " constables," smash in the doors of the unhappy 
 cotters' cabins with sledge-hammers at the behest of Pro- 
 testant noblemen or Beys, and charge defenceless women 
 across cabbage-fields, trampling them beneath the hoofs 
 of their horses ; when I listened to the burning eloquence 
 of Mr Parnell, who, fresh from scenes of which he had 
 been an eyewitness, stated " that the British Government, 
 unable to sweep back the movement, had resorted to 
 massacre ; " and when I heard him praise the noble 
 conduct of the peasantry, " who, when their brothers and 
 sisters were shot down beside them, still forbore from 
 violence," — every moral and humane instinct within me 
 was aflame, and I burned with righteous indignation
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 353 
 
 against a Government which, while other countries have 
 been advancing in the science of administration and in 
 the arts of progress and civilisation, has learnt nothing 
 during these hundreds of years except how to crush more 
 effectually an alien race, and persecute more bitterly a 
 rival religion. 
 
 It is a mockery for England to maintain that she has 
 made the requisite advance in civilisation, and that, on 
 the ground of our superiority in this respect, we have no 
 right of intervention. Who in America has not heard 
 of the horrors of the Black country ? of the degrada- 
 tion to which factory girls are reduced by the State ? of 
 the sufferings of little boys who are used as chimney- 
 sweeps by the rich ? Who has not read the " Song of the 
 Shirt," describing a condition of female destitution im- 
 possible in America, or, indeed, in any civilised country? 
 Who has not wept over the oppressed state of the rural 
 population nearly driven to revolt, and, indeed, in some 
 instances resorting to violence, under the devoted leader- 
 ship of the gallant Arch ? These things are matters of 
 history. Many Americans, pastors of churches, historians, 
 and humanitarians, have either witnessed these things 
 with their own eyes, or know that they must be so from 
 their profound study of the customs of the ancient Britons, 
 and of the characters of the Danes, Saxons, and Normans, 
 who were subsequently grafted upon the aboriginal race. 
 I am aware that the philo-English in America deny that 
 this is an accurate picture of England, and maintain that 
 our knowledge of that country is superficial and incorrect. 
 Some have even gone so far as to call us doctrinaire, and 
 to maintain that a more precise knowledge is to be gained 
 
 z
 
 354 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 of the local conditions both in England and Ireland, by a 
 residence in those countries, than by a conscientious and 
 lifelong study of their past history ; but the opinions of 
 the philo-English are unworthy of notice, for the simple 
 reason that they are an essentially immoral political party, 
 who are merely anti-Irish to curry favour with the Ger- 
 mans, in the hope of securing the German vote at the 
 next Presidential election, and for no other reason. The 
 Eev. Henry Wide Screecher, who, as a clergyman and a 
 man of immaculate virtue, is probably the highest autho- 
 rity in America on a question of pure morals, has given 
 it as his experience — and his testimony cannot be doubted 
 — that the Irish are so oppressed as to be entitled to re- 
 sort to insurrection. As a Christian minister, he would 
 not take the responsibility of actually counselling this 
 course ; but he begged his hearers to remember " that 
 every amelioration in the condition of Ireland has fol- 
 lowed the outbreak of violence in Ireland." 
 
 Indeed, the advice given by our Eev. Mr Screecher 
 to the Irish is in all respects similar, and based upon 
 the same reasoning, and the same accurate knowledge of 
 local conditions, as that which your Eev. Mr Collum 
 Mackill tendered to the Bulgarians. 
 
 The more we carry out the parallel between Great 
 Britain and Ireland and Turkey and her territories, the 
 more complete do we find it to be. We have, as in the 
 case of European Turkey, an alien race camped in a 
 conquered country, professing a different religion, speak- 
 ing a different language, retaining possession of land 
 which has been violently snatched from its rightful 
 owners, and handed over to raiders from England and
 
 ON IEISH ATROCITIES. 355 
 
 Scotland, who drain the country of its life-blood, while 
 they force the peasantry to live for the most part in 
 caves underground or in peat hovels, — their only food 
 seaweed, when they are near enough the coast to obtain 
 it, and roots in the interior — their only clothing the 
 cast-off rags of bloated Scotch Presbyterians, or the skins 
 of wild animals. I have been assured by persons who 
 have travelled in both countries, that the condition of 
 the peasant of Bulgaria was far superior to that of the 
 down -trodden serf of Connemara. We have in the 
 Hebrides and in the Highlands of Scotland the remnants 
 of the same Celtic race, speaking the same language, 
 professing the same religion, and yearning to be united 
 with their Celtic co-religionists in Ireland as ardently as 
 the Southern Albanians even now desire to be united 
 to Greece, or the Northern Albanians to Montenegro. I 
 am aware that this will be denied by the philo-English, 
 who insist that the Highlanders of Scotland do not desire 
 annexation to Ireland ; but this is due partly to their 
 not having studied the early history of the Picts, and 
 partly to malice prepense, and a firm determination to 
 deny every fact which may in any way interfere with 
 their grasping and selfish political designs. But even 
 were this not the case, the moderation displayed by the 
 Irish during the Crimean war and the Indian Mutiny, 
 when they might have rebelled and thrown off the 
 British yoke, entitles them to some reward ; and in 
 the event of Eusso-American intervention securing their 
 independence, it is only moral, it is only just, it is only 
 due to the glorious traditions of historical Erin, to the 
 memory of the great St Patrick, and the claims of the
 
 356 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 religion he implanted upon the soil which he purified — 
 it is only in accordance with our veneration for the race 
 to whom we owe the existence of dolmens, cromlechs, and 
 some of the finest monuments of antiquity — that the High- 
 lands of Scotland, whether they like it or not, should be 
 annexed to Ireland. All our noblest sympathies — all the 
 aesthetic instincts of our nature — all the associations of our 
 childhood, principally connected with Irish maid-servants 
 — and, above all, the claims of civilisation, — demand the 
 territorial aggrandisement of the Celtic race; and whether 
 the Picts be Celts or not — as indeed they are, without 
 knowing it — or whether they like to be annexed to the 
 Celts or not, the moral claims of the Celts are paramount 
 to those of the Picts ; and those who think otherwise 
 display an ignorance only equalled by the inherent 
 immorality of the political party to which they belong. 
 Although the Southern Albanians claim to be Pelasgians, 
 not Hellenes, this does not prevent all right-minded men 
 from advocating their annexation to Greece; and although 
 Northern Albanians are Moslems, this does not militate 
 against their being forcibly annexed, against their will, 
 to Christian Montenegro. Why, then, should the claim 
 of the Highlanders to be Picts, and the fact that some of 
 them are Protestant, or may not wish to be included in the 
 future republic of Ireland, militate against their annexa-' 
 tion to that country ? The thing is absurd. The same 
 principle holds good with regard to Wales and Cornwall, 
 both which provinces should, upon grounds of strict 
 morality, be annexed to Ireland. It should never be 
 forgotten that the same ethical rules which control the 
 relations of individuals towards each other do not apply
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 357 
 
 to nations. We have a striking and beautiful illustra- 
 tion of this in the case of the policy which it is proposed 
 by the moral party in England should be pursued in 
 regard to Cyprus. Nothing can be more just and lawful 
 than that this island, which, five hundred years ago, was 
 taken by the Turks from the Venetians, should be now 
 given by England, to whom it does not belong, to the 
 Greeks, who have no especial claim to it. Although in 
 private life we should call this robbing Peter to pay 
 Paul, it is, as I stated at the outset, the moral prerog- 
 ative of civilised nations to take by force, if necessary, 
 the territory of less civilised nations — on the ground 
 that, at some former period, they conquered it, and are 
 now misgoverning it — and make it a present to any 
 other nation which at the moment may, for historical 
 or sentimental reasons, enlist their sympathies. 
 
 Ever since the clays of Lafayette the United States 
 have felt the strongest sympathy with France. More- 
 over, the city of Paris — as is well known — has always 
 possessed a strange fascination for our people, in conse- 
 cpience of the peculiar character of its civilisation. This 
 manifestly gives France a strong moral right to the Isle 
 of Man, which has long been a sink of Protestant cor- 
 ruption, and where the Governor-General and principal 
 officials revel in the enjoyment of large salaries, plundered 
 from the unhappy people through the instrumentality of 
 the House of Keys. I have evidence of this in a petition 
 addressed to Congress by the foreign consuls of the prin- 
 cipal seaports of the island. I can only characterise the 
 condition of things which this petition describes as a 
 disgrace to civilisation, and a moral blot upon the age in
 
 358 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 which we lire. For these reasons, after a temporary- 
 occupation by the United States army during the war of 
 liberation and rectification of the "Welsh and Cornish 
 frontiers, the Isle of Man will be ultimately handed over 
 as a great moral duty by the United States to the sister 
 republic of France. 
 
 It follows, as a matter of course, that the Channel 
 Islands, being inhabited by the French race, speaking the 
 French language, professing the Catholic religion, and 
 being subject to the same. Protestant persecution, will 
 also be restored to France. It is needless for the philo- 
 English to protest that this persecution does not exist. 
 If Catholics are persecuted in Ireland, we need no further 
 evidence to prove that they are oppressed in the other 
 parts of the British dominions. In like manner, it will 
 be the privilege of the United States, on the strength of 
 its consciousness of superiority in civilisation, to deal 
 with the subject and persecuted races in all the British 
 colonies and in India, in accordance with what its Gov- 
 ernment conceives to be the dictates of morality and 
 humanity. 
 
 At the present moment the loudest and most urgent 
 appeal conies from the Celtic race, and it is with them 
 that this great and glorious work must begin. It may 
 not be generally known that Pan-Celtic societies exist 
 throughout the United States, for the purpose of carrying 
 on an active propaganda both with men and money, and 
 that their agents are energetically and secretly at work 
 both in Ireland and in the Celtic districts of Scotland 
 and Wales, encouraging tenants to resist by force eviction 
 by their so-called landlords, provoking the Orangemen to
 
 OX IRISH ATROCITIES. 359 
 
 acts of violence, which it is hoped may incite them to 
 retaliate by the perpetration of such atrocities as may 
 send a shudder through the whole civilised world ; but 
 as to the precise nature of their operations, prudence 
 suggests silence — suffice it to say that the explosion can- 
 not much longer be delayed, more especially now that, 
 owing to the arbitrary measures of the Government, a 
 famine has been produced which will increase the despair 
 of the population. As soon as the outbreak, which is 
 now being carefully prepared, takes place, officers and 
 men will pour into Ireland from America to the assist- 
 ance of the insurgents. I do not hesitate to say this 
 openly, because the precedent has been established in the 
 case of Servia, and European international consent on 
 that occasion has sanctioned the practice. An American 
 Tchernaieff will take command of the Irish legions, and 
 thousands of volunteers in the uniform of the United 
 States army will flock over, as the Russian soldiers did 
 to the insurrectionary forces of Servia, to help the Irish 
 to throw off the yoke of the hated Protestant invader. 
 Should the British be so short-sighted or so inconsistent 
 as to suspend relations with America, for pursuing a 
 course against them which they warmly commended 
 when it was adopted by Russia against Turkey, allied 
 operations will be undertaken by Russia and the United 
 States against England, for the purpose of turning the 
 British out of Ireland ; but in this case it will not be 
 " with bag and baggage." Indeed, I never could under- 
 stand why the weak, and I may say immoral, concession 
 was made by Mr Gladstone, of allowing the Turks to 
 leave Europe with their bags and their baggage. What
 
 ••> 
 
 60 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 earthly right had they to bags filled with the unlawful 
 spoil of the nomad conqueror, or to baggage consisting 
 probably chiefly of concubines which they had stolen 
 from the Christians ? We shall allow no such privilege 
 to the ejected Britishers. The Scotch will be seen flying 
 with their legs as bare as when they first raided into the 
 country ; and the only kind of bag which the English 
 will be allowed to take will be " Gladstone bags," what- 
 ever these may be, and this merely out of compliment, 
 and as a special concession, to the greatest moral states- 
 man of the age, who, through no fault of his own, happens 
 to be British. 
 
 Prior, however, to undertaking military operations, a 
 conference of Powers, actuated by humane and Christian 
 sentiments towards the Irish race and religion, will prob- 
 ably be convoked in London — at which, following the 
 precedent set at Constantinople, no English representa- 
 tives will be allowed to be present — for the purpose of 
 proposing a reform in Ireland through the instrumentality 
 of allied American and European consular commissions. 
 A gendarmerie of Russians and Americans will be pro- 
 posed, to supersede the Irish Bashi-Bazouk constabu- 
 lary ; and the Viceroy, though allowed to remain, will 
 practically be deprived of all executive authority. In 
 a word, England will be required to grant Ireland the 
 blessings of Home Eule under foreign protection. Should 
 England refuse these terms — and none other will satisfy 
 Irish aspiration, or the moral requirements of the case — 
 it follows that war will ensue ; and this, as I have already 
 remarked, will be carried on by Russia and America — ■ 
 an understanding on the subject having been already
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 361 
 
 arrived at between the Pan-Slavic and Pan- Celtic com- 
 mittees. I may here divulge the fact that the head- 
 centre of the Pan-Celtic committees is no less a person 
 than General Grant himself, who will owe his success 
 at the next Presidential election to this widespread 
 organisation. Indeed, the philo-English maintain that 
 the whole affair is nothing but an electioneering dodge 
 to bring in the Piepublican candidate ; but there is no 
 motive, however base, which the philo-English do not 
 impute to those earnest, religious, and humane politicians, 
 whose moral elevation they are unable to attain, or even 
 to comprehend. It is probable that the English will 
 make a far more stubborn resistance than the Turks did ; 
 and as it is estimated that the loss of human life in the 
 cause of religion and humanity on the occasion of the 
 late Ptusso-Turkish war exceeded a million of souls, a 
 sacrifice of a million and a half, at least, will not be too 
 high an estimate for the liberation of the Irish Catholics. 
 But what are a million and a half, or even two millions, 
 of lives in a righteous cause ? It is folly to suppose 
 that great moral and civilising results can be attained 
 by peaceful methods. The most Christian way of putting 
 a stop to massacre, and of promoting a religious idea, is 
 by massacre. Then, again, the moral law applicable to 
 nations differs entirely from that which holds good in the 
 case of individuals. If a doctor undertook to cure a man 
 of a disease against his will, and found that the shortest 
 way to do it was to kill him, he would be called a mur- 
 derer ; but if a nation undertakes to reform another nation 
 against its will, and finds that the shortest way to do it 
 is by wholesale extermination, another law comes in. If
 
 362 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN 
 
 a race in favour of whom the reforming nation interferes 
 enjoys a religious affinity with it, then such extermina- 
 tion becomes a most moral and righteous act, and the 
 misery of the race which is being exterminated is not 
 to be taken into account ; for, as I said before, this race 
 not enjoying such religious affinity has no claims either 
 on our morality or on our common humanity. All the 
 religious wars of Christendom, to which we owe our 
 present advanced state of civilisation, prove the truth of 
 this proposition. Again, it is probable that besides a 
 million and a half slaughtered, there will be at least a 
 million of destitute Protestant refugee men, women, and 
 children, chiefly from the north of Ireland, who, being 
 Presbyterians, deserve no sympathy. I name a million 
 because it is estimated that the total number of Moslem 
 refugees from Bosnia, Bulgaria, and Eastern Boumelia 
 closely approximate half a million — these, however, are 
 being rapidly reduced by disease and starvation. Being 
 Moslem, on religious grounds they deserve no more con- 
 sideration than Presbyterians, at all events from a Catholic 
 point of view ; and it is by this we must be guided. It 
 must never be forgotten that true humanity is based 
 upon a religious idea, and can be extended, therefore, 
 only to those whose religious idea renders them worthy 
 of it. The religious idea of the Moslem deprives him of 
 all claim on our sympathy as a human being, and it 
 becomes a moral duty to drive him and his wife and 
 his little ones out to perish in the cold, if those whose 
 religious idea enlists our sympathies may thereby be 
 benefited. Hence it is that the hated Orangemen of 
 Ireland need expect no better treatment at the hands of
 
 ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 363 
 
 the Irish Catholics than the Moslem peasantry of Turkey 
 have received from the Greek Christians, who have so 
 warmly and so properly enlisted the noble sympathies 
 of the great moral party of England. We have only 
 to compare the glorious results which have been achieved 
 by their efforts in Bulgaria and Eastern Eoumelia with 
 the cost of human life and the amount of human suffer- 
 ing which they have involved, to be encouraged to go 
 forward on the same charitable and holy mission in 
 Ireland, feeling assured that the enlightened Celtic race 
 will present such a spectacle of harmonious and united 
 Home Eule, when they once obtain their independence, 
 that it will have been cheaply purchased by the slaughter 
 or extermination, by disease and starvation, of, say, at the 
 outside, three millions of heretical Protestants. 
 
 I say, then, let those Presbyterian Orangemen beware; 
 let the whole Protestant public of England beware ; let a 
 fundamentally corrupt, tyrannical, and altogether odious 
 Government beware — let them delay no longer to grant 
 those concessions and inaugurate those reforms in Ireland 
 which the moral sense of enlightened America demands. 
 We cannot much longer stand tamely by while our Catho- 
 lic fellow-creatures, yearning after a free Church in a free 
 State, are being massacred by Episcopalian fanatics, and 
 plundered and oppressed by cruel and rapacious land- 
 lords. We require, as I have shown, no other code of 
 morals to justify an alliance with Eussia, and an active 
 intervention in the affairs of Ireland, than that so 
 eloquently and ably propounded by your own greatest 
 statesmen. If, then, they will only be logically true to 
 their convictions, and persevere in that patriotic policy
 
 364 AN AMERICAN STATESMAN ON IRISH ATROCITIES. 
 
 of philanthropy which may lead to ultimate dismember- 
 ment, and repudiate those coercive measures in Ireland 
 which have reflected so much disgrace upon the cause 
 of the humanity they profess to serve, let them rest 
 assured that they will have the hearty support both of 
 America and Eussia in their noble efforts, and that by 
 means of this combination England may yet be shorn of 
 Ireland, the Highlands of Scotland, Wales and Cornwall, 
 and of all her colonies and dependencies ; thus offering 
 to the world a glorious and* shining example of a people 
 that had attained such lofty elevation of sentiment, and 
 such enlightened conscientiousness, that they did not 
 shrink from applying unflinchingly to themselves those 
 eternal laws of morality and equity which they had 
 forced with such eminent success upon the empire of 
 Turkey.
 
 365 
 
 XII. 
 
 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 
 
 [When this travesty of society in New York was republished anony- 
 mously in that city, I was pained to find that the author was sup- 
 posed to have caricatured certain individuals in it. I wish, in the 
 most emphatic manner, to deny this imputation. Apart from the fact 
 that, from an artistic point of view, such a proceeding would have 
 been unworthy, other considerations would have rendered it indefen- 
 sible. If I have laughed at the follies of the fashionable world in 
 New York, they are certainly not greater, and are far more harmless, 
 than those which characterise the same world in the great capitals of 
 Europe. Indeed, if my conscience did not absolve me from any feel- 
 ing but one of gratitude towards a society fn >m which I have received 
 nothing but kindness, I should not now republish a sketch which 
 does not seem to me to present it in an unfavourable light ; and I 
 am encouraged to think that my American friends regard this story 
 with a certain complacency, because all the claimants for its author- 
 ship have been Americans — indeed, one went so far as to write a con- 
 tinuation of it. I trust that any who may still assume the parentage 
 of this literary waif, will excuse me for now depriving them of an 
 honour so questionable that it has needed an apology.] 
 
 I. 
 
 There is something very appalling to one so young and 
 inexperienced as myself in the effort of sitting down for 
 the first time in my life to address the public. Apart
 
 36 G THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 from the horrid doubt which haunts me, and which seems 
 to paralyse my pen, that perhaps after all my trouble I 
 shall not be able to find any publisher with a sufficient 
 appreciation of my talent to accept my manuscript, there 
 is the conviction that the little story I am about to tell 
 will produce a very considerable sensation upon one, if 
 not upon both sides of the Atlantic ; possibly it may not 
 be altogether favourable to myself. I shall be called 
 unpatriotic, unladylike, calumnious, perhaps even indeli- 
 cate, for describing a few episodes of my somewhat rapid 
 career, not with any view of forcing my own insignificant 
 personality upon the public, but because it is impossible 
 for me otherwise to illustrate the manners and customs 
 of the society in which I was brought up. Ever since I 
 was transplanted from the splendid brown stone mansion 
 on Fifth Avenue in New York, where I passed the giddy 
 seasons of my girlhood, to the modest luxury of the villa 
 in Richmond, from which I am now writing, I have felt 
 possessed by an absorbing desire to " show up," so to 
 speak, the life led by the world of fashion in the Amer- 
 ican metropolis, from a purely philanthropic point of view. 
 It has seemed to me that the only chance of doing it any 
 good was to expose it, not unkindly, but with the faithful- 
 ness and affection of a friend who tells another his faults. 
 I think it will be new to my English readers, who may rely 
 upon its accuracy ; but they need not on that account flat- 
 ter themselves that the present condition of London society 
 is in any respect superior to that of New York. I tell 
 you, mothers of London, that in your powers of setting 
 matrimonial snares, and of successfully disposing of your 
 marriageable wares, you are more than a match for the
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 367 
 
 " smartest " of your American sisters, who leave their 
 daughters to take care of themselves ; and you young 
 married women of high degree, do not imagine that the 
 frisky matrons of New York can teach you anything you 
 did not know before. Indeed, I think it is fortunate for 
 you that the social convenances of London deny you the 
 freedom which they enjoy. It is not to either of these 
 two classes that I have anything very new to reveal, 
 though they may pick up a few hints, or draw compari- 
 sons invidious or otherwise. It is you, my dear girls, 
 who are heedlessly flirting and fluttering on the brink of 
 the matrimonial abyss, whose good I have at heart. 
 
 I have tried both Worlds, Old and New ; and so far 
 as faults and follies go, I don't think there is much to 
 choose between them. My present business is with the 
 faults and follies of my own country, with which I feel 
 more especially competent to deal, and which I am most 
 desirous to see corrected and reformed. Having violently 
 reacted from them myself, it is only natural that I should 
 be consumed by the fervour of proselytism, and should, 
 regardless of consequences, exhibit myself as a warning, 
 if need be, to those I wish to serve. When I first ap- 
 peared upon the social horizon, I may say without vanity 
 that I was the kind of girl who in London would have 
 been called a " stunner," a " screamer," and who in New 
 York is sometimes described as a " bouncer." 
 
 My father was the son of a Scotch gardener of the 
 name of Macgillicuddy, who had emigrated to New York, 
 engaged in the grocery business, and by superior shrewd- 
 ness and Scotch caution had amassed a considerable 
 fortune, which enabled him to give his son a good edu-
 
 368 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 cation — in other words, to make a gentleman of him. 
 Unusually successful in early life in railway and stock 
 speculations, my father soon became the possessor of a 
 handsome mansion on Fifth Avenue, and a financial man 
 of some prominence. Far too respectable himself to be- 
 come a politician, he nevertheless enjoyed great influence 
 with his party ; and there was an air of substantial 
 dignity about him, which, taken in connection with the 
 invariable success that attended his business operations, 
 secured him a commanding position in society. Origin- 
 ally a Presbyterian, he had become attached to an Epis- 
 copalian church with ritualistic tendencies, a theological 
 step almost rendered necessary by his fashionable stand- 
 ing ; and his box at the opera, which cost him £3000, 
 and expensive pew in St Grace's, for which he paid 
 £2000, though apparently useless luxuries — for he 
 never practised what he professed in the one, and rarely 
 went himself to the other, as he did not know the differ- 
 ence between the wedding march in ' Lohengrin,' and 
 " Tommy make room for your Uncle " — were, neverthe- 
 less, a recognition of the claims of God and of society 
 with which he could not afford to dispense. He had 
 one brother who had never risen above the level of a 
 stone-mason ; and to him, therefore, it is not necessary 
 here further to allude. My mother had been quite a 
 " belle " and an heiress in her time. Her father had 
 made his fortune in " dry goods," and my maternal 
 uncles were both men enjoying great social considera- 
 tion on account of their wealth. One was in the hard- 
 ware business, and the other had struck oil. My mother 
 was a remarkably clever and well-educated woman.
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 369 
 
 She had spent several of the early years of her life in 
 Europe, where she had acquired a taste for art, which 
 my father also affected, without, however, knowing 
 anything about it ; and the result was, as their combined 
 taste was somewhat florid, that our house looked like a 
 badly-arranged museum. She was, moreover, an accom- 
 plished musician, with a magnificent contralto voice ; 
 indeed, she was as much superior to the average amateur 
 performer as her cook was to ordinary culinary artists : 
 hence it happened that our dinners and our music were 
 both celebrated. In addition to all this, she had an 
 unrivalled knack of capturing distinguished foreigners, 
 and especially British aristocrats, immediately on their 
 arrival in New York. It is needless to say that we had 
 a cottage at Newport, where we spent three summer 
 months in a perpetual whirl of gaiety ; from all which 
 it must be manifest that nothing was left undone to 
 secure that social position which became at last an 
 object of envy and admiration to every well-constituted 
 New York mind. It would be a mistake to suppose 
 that this eminence was attained without infinite 
 trouble and contrivance. I was too young to take an 
 active share in my mother's early social struggles ; but 
 even to the end, she never succeeded in thoroughly 
 breaking down an indefinable sort of barrier, behind 
 which a certain ultra -exclusive set chose to intrench 
 themselves. I used to think the presumption and con- 
 ceit of these people quite intolerable The idea, in a 
 democratic country like ours, of a select few priding 
 themselves on their ancestry and gentility and heredi- 
 tary refinement, and all the rest of it, and thinking us 
 
 2 A
 
 370 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 not good enough to be admitted into their circle, was 
 quite preposterous. There were the Persimmons,' for 
 instance, who assumed the arms of the noble family of 
 Persimmons in England, and claimed relationship with 
 them, and had actually family portraits of knights in 
 wigs and ladies in stomachers, and all that sort of thing 
 (young Dick Persimmon was a clerk in a wholesale 
 tobacco store) ; and there were the Poppinjays, and the 
 Barebones family, that had' a fancy portrait of their great 
 historical ancestor, Praise God Barebones, who came over 
 in the Mayflower, and whose descendant, as is well 
 known, signed the Declaration of Independence. They 
 turned up their noses at us because grandpapa had 
 originally been a gardener — as if anybody could have 
 told what the original old Barebones had been. Then 
 in close alliance with these there was the old Knicker- 
 bocker set, the Van Twillers, descended from the original 
 Wouter van Twiller, and the Van Diclntoffers, of whom 
 more anon, and several others, who, for some mysteri- 
 ous reason, thought themselves better than we were. 
 Mamma's principle was to feel thoroughly democratic 
 towards everybody in a democratic country who thought 
 that they were above her, and to feel thoroughly aristo- 
 cratic towards all those whom she thought beneath her, 
 or whom it was inconvenient to treat as equals ; and I 
 suppose that was the principle which the others applied 
 to her. Every now and then our efforts would be 
 crowned with a new triumph, especially after I became ' 
 a recognised belle, and we had formed closer intimacies 
 with this set, and then the airs mamma used to give 
 herself for some time afterwards were' quite alarming.
 
 IREXE MACGILLICUDDY. 371 
 
 Of course, as we progressed we dropped a good many 
 of our earlier acquaintances. 
 
 As for myself, I never regularly " came out ; " in 
 fact, I may be said to have been more or less " out " 
 all the time. From the days when, in short frocks, I 
 used to help my mother to receive her guests, I was 
 recognised as the principal personage of the family. 
 My father yielded to me in everything, and my mother 
 soon jDerceived that I was destined to become a most 
 valuable element of social success. First I had a French 
 bonne, then the best masters that money could procure ; 
 and when I was sixteen I was taken to France and 
 Italy for a year, to acquire a knowledge of art and to 
 pick up the habits of polite society in Europe. I was 
 very quick and industrious ; and when I compare my 
 proficiency at this age, in music, languages, and painting, 
 with the accomplishments of English girls, I think I 
 may say, without undue conceit, that I far surpassed 
 them. It was with a fluttering heart that I viewed my 
 native shores from the deck of a Cunard steamer, as, 
 thus armed and equipped for the social fray, I returned 
 to New York. It was no feeling of timidity, but a 
 daring and confident longing, that caused this sensitive 
 organ to palpitate so wildly ; perhaps also there was a 
 suspicion that before very long it might be beating for 
 other reasons. Come what might, I was prepared to 
 meet it. I knew I was beautiful, thanks to my mother, 
 whose good looks I had inherited. I was an only child, 
 and therefore a large heiress, accomplished, clever, and 
 self-reliant. Nothing was more incomprehensible to me 
 than the shy silence of the bread-and-butter misses
 
 372 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 whose acquaintance I made during my short stay in 
 London. Even their brothers I was often obliged to 
 help on in conversation — they never seemed to know 
 what to say, or how to say it ; while I never knew what 
 it was to be at a loss. 
 
 My mother was a woman exceptionally well qualified 
 to launch a girl in the society of New York ; she had 
 made it a study, and I felt I was in good hands. Before 
 I went to my first ball she gave a series of dinner-parties. 
 To these she especially asked all the young married men 
 who have it in their power to make or mar the debutante in 
 her first season. It is they, not their wives, who are the 
 leaders of fashion ; and it is to them that the would-be 
 belle must pay her court if she wishes to succeed. Of 
 course the unmarried men are important ; but they take 
 their queue from the older hands, who, in spite of having 
 wives, are still the most indefatigable ball-goers, the re- 
 cognised leaders of the " German," and the established 
 authorities on matters of fashionable etiquette. Where 
 society has no regular hierarchy, as it has in England, its 
 leaders are self-constituted or tacitly acknowledged. The 
 men, as a rule, marry so young that they have not had 
 time to become hlasis ; and the consequence is, that they 
 flirt as actively with unmarried girls, and flutter about 
 as flippantly, as if they were still single. In some cases 
 they keep this up until their own daughters come out, 
 overwhelming the girls of their choice with bouquets, 
 boriboimie'res, and trifling presents, taking them solitary 
 drives, giving them dinners, boxes at the opera, and dis- 
 tinguishing them by such marks of delicate attention as 
 are always grateful to the female mind. Occasionally
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 373 
 
 these are pushed to such a point that they give rise to 
 unpleasant gossip, but I have never known any real 
 harm come of them. The girls are always thoroughly 
 well able to take care of themselves ; and upon the 
 occasions, which sometimes happen, of a man becoming 
 so desperately in love as to forget his conjugal duties 
 and propose an elopement, he invariably meets with a 
 positive and decided refusal. In this respect they show 
 a sagacity and sense of propriety which the aristocratic 
 mothers of young families in London, who think nothing 
 of running away with the husbands of their lady friends, 
 would do well to imitate. Of course an exclusive devo- 
 tion of this sort has a tendency to injure a girl, because 
 it keeps off the young men while it lasts ; but perhaps 
 on the whole she gains a sort of prestige by it, which only 
 renders her more attractive to them when it is over. 
 
 When the great occasion of my first ball arrived, the 
 carriage could hardly hold all the bouquets that were 
 sent. Unfortunately mamma was taken suddenly un- 
 well the very day of the ball ; but she did not wish me 
 to be disappointed, as I had been taking so much trouble 
 with my dress, and looking forward to it so eagerly : so 
 I arranged with Harry Hardpan, who had stamped me 
 with his approval, and indeed shown me a good deal of 
 attention on the strength of having been fond of me in 
 a fatherly way when I was a little girl, to send his wife 
 for me — she was only two years older than I was; and 
 he met us at the door with several of my friends to help 
 to carry my bouquets. There were thirteen altogether, 
 of which eight had been sent by married men and five 
 by bachelors. I calculated that their united value was
 
 374 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 upwards of a hundred and twenty dollars, or about £25. 
 All my bouquets had come with cards on them ; and as 
 I read the senders' names, I felt that my success was 
 assured. This inspired me with still greater confidence 
 as I entered the ball-room. That night was a triumph — 
 I was literally besieged ; but I was determined to act 
 with caution, for fear of making the other girls jealous. 
 I felt at once the importance of establishing myself in a 
 feminine coterie — so much can be clone by combination. 
 I am convinced that there is no greater mistake for a 
 girl than to be misled, by the admiration of the opposite 
 sex, into losing her popularity with her own. Young 
 men are intimidated and kept in their proper place by a 
 strong phalanx of girls, if these hold together properly. 
 It requires a youth of uncommon nerve boldly to face 
 half-a-dozen girls all tittering together in a corner, who, 
 he knows, will pick him to pieces the moment he leaves 
 them. We New York girls used to keep our little heels 
 on the necks of our beaux, and trample over them ruth- 
 lessly. In London the case is exactly reversed, and the 
 poor girls are crushed by the aw-quite-too-awfully-aw 
 kind of youth, to a degree which makes my blood boil. 
 It is partly because London girls don't understand how 
 to combine and organise, so to speak, against the men, 
 and partly because they have to compete against the 
 young married women, that they are treated with such 
 indifference. Now in my day, in New York, the young 
 married women were nowhere, or, in the vernacular of 
 that city, they " had no show ; " but I hear that they 
 are making a good deal of running of late years, and that 
 the girls are beginning to complain seriously. Another
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 375 
 
 reason why American girls have such a much better time 
 than English girls is, that as they have so much liberty, 
 they can offer more inducements to the young men to 
 pay them attention. A young man will submit to be 
 crushed and bullied and sat upon, if you make it all 
 right at the end of the evening by asking him to take 
 you a sleigh-ride next day, or to give you a dinner at 
 Delmonico's, with only a young lady friend of your own 
 age, and her husband, who admires you, to do proper. 
 What fun we girls used to have, and what plans we used 
 to concoct for robbing our beaux of their affections, of ex- 
 changing them when we got tired of them, or of drawing 
 them on to the proposing point ! In my first season I 
 had seven proposals. I had several far better seasons 
 than this later on ; but mamma said I could not have 
 expected to have done more the first winter, consider- 
 ing the girls I had to compete with, some of whom 
 possessed all my advantages, combined with far greater 
 experience. 
 
 Here again I am struck with the difference between 
 England and America. I don't suppose English girls 
 get one proposal for ten that we get. I know one girl, 
 now twenty-four, who has had 157. This I can vouch 
 for, as she showed me the list ; but some of the men 
 must have been very slightly wounded, for one asked 
 to be introduced to her not long since. He had been in 
 California for four years, and had forgotten that when 
 he last saw her he had proposed to her, and she had 
 forgotten that she had refused him. He had, in the 
 meantime, made a large fortune in Bonanzas, the absence 
 of which was her objection to him at the time ; and
 
 376 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 they are now engaged to be married. She says she 
 does not see why she should put off getting married 
 any longer, especially as the young married women are 
 beginning to have such a good time. 
 
 On the whole, however, I used to think there was far 
 more fun to be had at Newport than in New York. 
 That is the place to contract intimacies both with the 
 girls and the young men. The picnics and games, the 
 perpetual drives with the te'mporary beau of your choice, 
 the garden-parties, and constant contact with the same 
 set, tend to establish your position. At the end of one 
 season in New York, and another at Newport, you may 
 be said to have learnt the whole game thoroughly, and 
 can judge for yourself whether you are de la premiere 
 force or not. You now feel perfectly able to take care 
 of yourself, and can allow yourself all sorts of liberties 
 that you could not have ventured upon at first. You 
 have even got so far as to call one or two young men 
 by their Christian names ; in talking of them among 
 ourselves we never think of alluding to them except as 
 Dick, or Tom, or Harry, and so forth. 
 
 My intimate friend, confidante, and rival was my 
 cousin, Flora Temple. In spite of her grand name, she 
 was not so well born as I was, or as her namesake on 
 the turf — for her father was originally a tailor, who 
 had made his fortune during the war by taking army 
 contracts ; and when he had risen to the social surface, 
 he married my mother's sister, and then, rather fortun- 
 ately for my cousin, died, for he was a very shoddy sort 
 of person, and left her two millions of dollars. This, 
 together with her own beauty and talent, and my
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 377 
 
 mother's social influence, soon pushed her into the 
 front rank. She was more than two years my senior, 
 and had commenced her career by a tremendous affair 
 with the celebrated Iky Bullstock, who for the last 
 fifteen years has been devoting himself to ensnaring the 
 affections of girls as soon as they come out. Since his 
 marriage, his name has been connected with no fewer 
 than ten. I was counting them up with Flora not 
 long ago ; but then, I think, in the cases of several, it 
 was mere idle gossip. Anyhow, it did not do Flora 
 any harm, for Charlie van Didntoffer was simply wild 
 about her. Charlie belonged to one of the oldest 
 Knickerbocker families ; he was very handsome, a 
 banker of the highest standing, and had charming 
 manners. I am sure many of my English readers must 
 remember him in Paris and Eome. He was almost 
 omnipotent at the fashionable Spuyten Duyvel Club, 
 was prominent in all matters of sport, and was univer- 
 sally popular. To begin with a flirtation with Iky 
 Bullstock, and go on to an engagement with Charlie van 
 Didntoffer, was enough to turn any girl's head. In my 
 own secret soul, though, we girls were much more re- 
 ticent in these matters than English girls are ; and, I 
 can't say for certain, I don't believe Flora cared so much 
 for Charlie as she pretended, and mentally reserved the 
 right to throw him over if sufficient inducement should 
 offer, but she enjoyed what you in England call the 
 "swagger" of the thing. Whether Charlie suspected 
 this or not, I don't know; but certain it is that at 
 Newport, where we were all three thrown a good deal 
 together, I began to perceive indications of a wavering in
 
 378 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 his affections in my direction. Now I am no base, 
 ungenerous, or treacherous girl ; but I don't think that 
 it was in flesh and blood to help reciprocating just the 
 least bit, more especially as Iky was still fluttering 
 around : and on several occasions I did not think Flora's 
 conduct quite fair towards Charlie, and felt quite sorry 
 for him, poor fellow ; and so by degrees it came about — 
 I know I was to blame, but I really could not help it — 
 
 • 
 
 before I knew where I was, Charlie had proposed to me. 
 He said he felt sure Flora • was only trifling with him, 
 and if I would only accept him he would throw her 
 over. I never consulted mamma much on these subjects, 
 as I always felt she took such a mercenary view of them 
 — she seemed to make no allowance for sentiment ; so I 
 had to work it out for myself, and as I was barely 
 eighteen, I was determined to do nothing rash. So I 
 told Charlie that I could not disguise the fact that I 
 cared for him more than for anybody else ; but at the 
 same time as he was engaged to Flora, I could not coun- 
 tenance his jilting her on my account, but I thought we 
 had better all wait as we were for a year. If at the 
 end of that time Flora still cared for him, and he still 
 cared for me, and I did not care for somebody else, then 
 we could discuss the whole matter over again ; and in 
 the meantime we could remain upon the nice intimate 
 terms which this little confidence would produce. You 
 see, I thought a year would surely bring about a change 
 in the situation somehow, which would make it all 
 easier. What does the stupid boy do but go straight to 
 Flora and tell her he finds he does not care for her any 
 longer ! Of course Flora was furious, and said I had
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 379 
 
 behaved shamefully ; and for some weeks we did not 
 speak. The affair made quite a stir at the time ; all 
 Newport was talking about it, and it was one of the 
 standard pieces of gossip in New York when everybody 
 returned from their various watering-places and exchanged 
 the several scandals which had occurred at them respec- 
 tively. Although Charlie was very devoted to me, I felt 
 rather uncomfortable, and refused to be definitely engaged 
 to him. In spite of being so fond of gaiety, I was also 
 a devourer of all kinds of literature and general infor- 
 mation, and really studied as hard as my other avocations 
 would permit. Now, although Charlie was most refined 
 and gentlemanlike in his manners, he lacked what in 
 Boston (pronounced not inappropriately Boreston) is 
 called culture (pronounced culchaw). What between 
 banking, driving his four-in-hand, and attending to Flora 
 or me, he seemed to have no time to inform his mind. 
 In this respect he was not inferior to Iky Bullstock, 
 Harry Hardpan, or any of the others ; but I wanted to 
 marry a mind as well as a man, and I told him so. 
 After that he used to come and read Dickens to me for 
 an hour a-day. I told him when he had finished all 
 Dickens's novels, I would put him through a course of 
 " New England thought," and by that time I should be 
 in a position to give a definite answer in regard to our 
 marriage. 
 
 For the reason I am about to narrate, that time never 
 arrived. We were in the middle of ' Bleak House,' and 
 I was thinking how in the world to make it up again 
 with Flora, when Charlie came in panting one day with 
 a most important piece of intelligence. Letters had just
 
 380 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 been received by his firm announcing that the Earl of 
 Chowder, eldest son of the Duke of Gumbo, and Viscount 
 Huckleberry were to arrive by the next steamer, enclos- 
 ing letters of credit and requesting the Van Didntoffer 
 Brothers to do all in their power to make their stay in 
 New York agreeable to them. The agitation into which 
 this intelligence threw mamma, at once revealed to me 
 the vast ambitions of which that excellent woman was 
 capable. Magnetically her noble aspirations seemed in- 
 stantly conveyed to my own bosom ; and though Charlie 
 was reading about Lady Dedlock, a theme which at any 
 other time would have absorbed my attention, " the 
 beating of my own heart was the only sound I heard." 
 Here was a splendid opportunity for setting matters 
 right with Flora ; besides I needed her co-operation and 
 advice. There was one for each of us ; and provided 
 we did not interfere with each other and go for the same 
 one, as we had in the case of Charlie, there was no reason 
 why, with the advantage of an early start, we should not 
 have it all our own way. The fact is, we were both 
 considerably put upon our mettle by the triumphant 
 success which had just crowned the efforts of our two 
 most intimate friends, — Ida Straddle, daughter of Billy 
 Straddle, of the well-known firm of Puff and Straddle, 
 brokers — and Laura Berstup, whose father is a railway 
 magnate, and well known amongst English shareholders 
 for the talent with which he has made his fortune out of 
 the dividends they fondly hoped to pocket. Ida, after a 
 rapid campaign extending a little over a fortnight, had 
 captured an impecunious Spanish grandee who valued 
 his dukedom at half a million of dollars. Billy, who
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 381 
 
 has always shown himself a most fond and indulgent 
 father, had the cash down on the nail, and Ida became 
 the Duchess of Virdemonio, to the great envy of us all, 
 and has already sent those of us who wish to contract 
 alliances with the Spanish aristocracy, invitations to visit 
 her in her " Chateau en Espagne ; " and here I may 
 remark, that whenever one of us makes a successful hit 
 of this sort, she always does her utmost to help on her 
 friends. Then Laura was engaged to be married to the 
 Russian Prince Schamovitch : he was next door to being 
 a crttin ; but as he was distantly connected with the 
 Romanoffs, the splendour of the alliance reduced every 
 other consideration to insignificance. Besides, as Laura 
 said, they were going to live principally in Paris, where 
 it was rather convenient than otherwise for a very pretty 
 woman to have a fool for a husband. As the Prince is 
 enormously rich, and Laura is not badly off, I have no 
 doubt they will have a good time ; but you may imagine 
 how all this was calculated to stimulate our energies. 
 Any' girl with a well-balanced mind would rather be an 
 English countess, or even viscountess, than a Spanish 
 duchess or a Russian princess. We classify them some- 
 what as follows : Eirst, the British aristocracy down to 
 baron — we don't think much of baronets and knights ; 
 next, we like French and Russians, because that involves 
 living a good deal in Paris ; but titles below dukes and 
 princes are too common to be really much prized, unless 
 attached to a very old historic name or great wealth. 
 Italians and Spanish come next, the former preferred on 
 account of the climate and social advantages of Rome 
 and Naples. Germans we don't so much care about ; I
 
 382 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 think, perhaps, because there are too many Germans in 
 the country already. 
 
 But all this is a digression ; only I was obliged to 
 enter a little into it in order to explain why the arrival 
 of the Earl of Chowder and Lord Huckleberry was likely 
 to produce so much sensation amongst us. So I posted 
 off to Flora with the news. The fact is, that Flora was 
 as tired of our estrangement as I was. So when I rushed 
 into her room, and said, " My dear, I have come to tell 
 you such a piece of news ! " she said, quite cordially — 
 
 " You can't think, Irene, how I have been longing to 
 see you lately. Why have you been keeping away so ? " 
 
 As if she didn't know that it was no pleasure to me 
 to come and be snubbed, and that my absence had been 
 due to her own crossness. However, I was not vindic- 
 tive ; so I said, impetuously — 
 
 " Oh, Flozie ! " (this was my pet name when we were 
 in our most loving moods,) " who do you think are com- 
 ing to New York ? and Charlie is to bring them to us 
 the first day. Why, the Earl of Chowder and Viscount 
 Huckleberry ! Isn't it puffectly splendid ? " Candour 
 compels me to state that, in my excited moments, I am 
 in the habit of describing most things as " puffectly 
 splendid." We all do ; and, on the whole, I think it is 
 better than the expression used by English girls under 
 the same circumstances, of " quite too awfully nice." 
 
 " Oh, lovely ! " said Flora. " But poor Charlie ; what 
 are you going to do with him ? " she asked, maliciously. 
 
 " Oh, Charlie can stand it," I replied. " Don't you 
 remember, before he was engaged to you, he was 
 engaged a whole year to Lizzie Puff, and something
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 383 
 
 always happened to put off the marriage, till at last he 
 told her that he was sorry to find that he did not care 
 for her ; but that if, knowing this, she still wanted to 
 marry him, he would make the necessary sacrifice ? I 
 don't think we need have any compassion for him." 
 
 " Darling," said Flora, " you are quite right. How 
 stupid we were ever to quarrel about him ! but, my dear, 
 we must take care not to make the same mistake aram. 
 
 O 
 
 How shall we manage ? After what you did about 
 Charlie, I don't see how. Can I trust you, dear ? " 
 
 This led to a long discussion about Charlie, in which 
 I explained to her that I had previously refused to be 
 engaged to him until they had both got tired of each 
 other, but that he had been unwarrantably premature ; 
 and Flora became satisfied at last, and we swore eternal 
 friendship and mutual co-operation, and perfectly square 
 and honest conduct in all future complications ; then we 
 kissed each other a good deal, and sat down to discuss 
 the plan of the campaign in earnest. After mature 
 deliberation, we decided that the first step should be a 
 reconciliation between Flora and Charlie, and that, in 
 celebration thereof, he should be made to give us a little 
 dinner at Delmonico's, to which should be invited Fanny 
 and Harry Hardpan, Prince Schamovitch and Laura, 
 Lord Chowder and Lord Huckleberry, Iky Bullstock, 
 and both of us girls. Under these circumstances it is 
 not at all a bad plan to have one or two old admirers. 
 The dinner was to be arranged for the night after the 
 arrival of the Cunard steamer, and we were all to hold 
 ourselves disengaged accordingly. Dear Charlie was so 
 anxious to make the amende to Flora, that he entered
 
 384 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 into the scheme cordially and without the slightest 
 suspicion. Indeed he was a great deal too much pleased 
 to be the entertainer of the two British noblemen to 
 think of anything else. Moreover, there was no man in 
 ISTew York who understood the art of giving a little 
 dinner of this sort more perfectly than Charlie, and he 
 was not sorry for the opportunity it afforded him of 
 distinguishing himself ; so we were happy and satisfied 
 all round. I think my Lords Chowder and Huckleberry 
 may travel far before again finding themselves at 'dinner 
 with four such pretty and agreeable women as Laura, 
 Fanny, Flora, and myself. Though not given to mani- 
 festing more astonishment than they could help, I was 
 amused to see how completely they were taken by 
 surprise. Chowder w T as a s_omewhat heavy blue-eyed 
 blond, with a large light beard, and rather vacuous smile ; 
 but he had a sort of smart way of sharply dropping his 
 eyeglass with a little twitch out of his eye, which, every 
 time he did it, seemed to impart a flash of intelligence 
 to his countenance. As I came to know him better, I 
 accounted for it by the fact of his having suddenly to 
 change the focus of his eye. He seemed intensely 
 amiable and good-natured. He evidently had a sluggish 
 protoplasm, and was very easily amused, but took his 
 jokes in a heavy sort of way, just as some hunters do 
 their fences — they always manage to get over, but 
 bungle so much that they lose their place in the field. 
 Now Huckleberry, on the other hand, was all " snap." 
 Tall, dark, thin, with a pure classical profile, and a bright 
 sparkling eye, he took in the whole situation before w r e 
 had finished the preliminary oysters, and by the time
 
 IREXE MACGILLTOUDDY. 385 
 
 we had done our soup, had proved himself a match for 
 Flora, who is recognised amongst us all as having the 
 quickest wit and the sharpest tongue for repartee of any 
 girl in our set. She seemed to be an entirely new 
 specimen to Huckleberry, and evidently piqued him by 
 a certain brilliant nonchalance, which I fancy made him 
 feel rather smaller than he had ever done in the society 
 of any girl of the same age in his life before. Flora was 
 not the kind of girl to stand the patronising air with 
 which the young British Peer of immense landed estates 
 and acknowledged talent is accustomed to address the 
 young ladies of his own class in London. She was wise 
 enough to see that if she wanted to hook her aristocrat, 
 the best plan was to treat him upon thoroughly demo- 
 cratic principles. She rightly judged that the novelty 
 of finding himself patronised, instead of patronising, of 
 being condescended to, instead of condescending, would 
 produce a strange and rather fascinating sensation. In 
 the struggle to assert himself, to conquer and subdue 
 this rebellious and independent belle, the chances were 
 that he would fall in love. By the time the cigarettes 
 were put upon the table, there was a glitter in his 
 eye that convinced me he would fight Flora with her 
 own weapons till he had subdued her ; and I knew that 
 if ever Flora met her match, she would fall hopelessly 
 and desperately in love with him. It would not be a 
 skin-deep affair this time, as it was in the case of Charlie, 
 but a real serious business. I should rather have pre- 
 ferred Huckleberry to Chowder myself : but, in the first 
 place, I could not again interfere with Flora's affairs ; in 
 the second place, I don't think I should have had a 
 
 2 B
 
 386 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 chance with Huckleberry. It was Flora's " cussedness," to 
 use an unladylike expression, which proved so irresistible 
 to him, and my temper is calm and equable. And, 
 lastly, the Earl of Chowder would be Duke of Gumbo 
 on the death of his father ; and Lord Huckleberry's 
 father was already dead, so he would never be anything 
 more than a Viscount. When Flora was Viscountess 
 Huckleberry, I should be Duchess of Gumbo, and go in 
 to dinner in London miles before her ; so I devoted 
 myself to Chowder. He was so soft and gentle and 
 unassuming, I got quite to like him. He was not a bit 
 like my idea of a lord. 
 
 The day following the dinner was race-day, and Charlie 
 invited the whole party to drive out with him on his 
 drag. I insisted on Fanny taking the box-seat — poor 
 Fanny ! Charlie had been a passion mallieureuse at one 
 time in that quarter, and she had married Harry out of 
 pique. Then after he had lost her, Charlie seemed rather 
 to regret it, until he fell in love with Flora. Now that 
 we were both likely to be otherwise provided for, I 
 thought it would only be kind to both of them to bring 
 them together a little, and I knew Harry would not 
 mind, as he was otherwise engaged. Now I know all 
 this is very wrong. I don't defend it — on the contrary 
 I regret it. I am deeply penitent for my past follies ; 
 but believe me, it was all not half so bad as it looks to 
 the less innocent mind of Europe. This trifling with 
 each other's affections, even if it does not lead to any- 
 thing worse, is not a custom to be applauded ; but the 
 social convenances of America lend themselves to such 
 llirtations far more than do those of countries where the
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 387 
 
 external restraints are so great that the very necessity 
 which exists for them suggests the frequency of far 
 graver consequences than we in New York know any- 
 thing about. Besides, I wanted to sit next Chowder ; 
 and how could I do that if I sat next Charlie ? And so 
 it was arranged, and Schamovitch and Laura sat behind ; 
 and I think it rather encouraged Huckleberry to find that 
 Schamovitch, whom he had known in Petersburg, where 
 he occupied a high social position, was so irretrievably 
 captured, and so desperately in love with Laura Berstup. 
 Chowder and Huckleberry had both left cards on 
 mamma ; and the next clay being Sunday, mamma gave 
 one of her Sunday dinners, with music, and a general 
 society afterwards, as was her wont, and she and I sang 
 duets together, and I felt all the time Chowder's blue 
 eyes fixed upon me, sometimes through his glass, and 
 sometimes without it. I had to devote myself to the 
 world in general, but I rather appeared to advantage in 
 entertaining mamma's guests, and was not sorry that he 
 should see how competent I was for the task ; besides, 
 every now and then I fluttered up to him, and I could 
 see by the brightening of his eye that he liked it. He 
 was too unenterprising to make new acquaintances, and 
 already began to look upon me as an old friend, so I felt 
 pretty safe, and was amused to see how little success one 
 or two other girls had with him to whom I introduced 
 him. They pronounced him utterly stupid, and declared 
 they could get nothing out of him — dear old Chowder ! 
 That was because they didn't know how. English 
 mothers and their daughters may wonder how it is that, 
 though they have tried to catch Chowder and Huckle-
 
 o 
 
 38 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 berry with untiring energy for the last seven or eight 
 seasons, we American girls found so little difficulty. I 
 can explain it quite easily. It is because in England the 
 mothers don't allow their daughters to manage their own 
 affairs ; and, even if they did, the* latter are hampered 
 with all sorts of restrictions of so-called propriety, which 
 seems to us unnecessary. There appears to be a tendency 
 of late to introduce European notions in these matters, 
 but it will utterly spoil the market. The more American 
 girls give up their own manners and customs for those of 
 the foreign aristocrats they covet, the less likely are they 
 to succeed in attracting them. In the cases of Chowder 
 and Huckleberry, for instance, those young noblemen 
 were overcome with the novelty of the thing. Neither 
 Flora nor I let a day pass without having a quiet hour or 
 so with them. What with nice solitary drives, pleasant 
 little dinners, theatres, and balls, we managed this easily 
 enough. The " German," as danced with us, is most 
 useful as a means of securing your prey for a whole 
 evening ; he has no means of escape. Thus young 
 women with us are not afraid of being talked about in 
 connection with young men, or vice versd, as in England ; 
 while the young men, on the other hand, are not haunted 
 by the dread that a stern parent will ask them their in- 
 tentions, or a big brother inflict condign punishment on 
 them for not behaving honourably. Such accidents have, 
 it is true, been known, but only in very extreme cases ; 
 they are not frequent enough to operate as checks upon 
 " the course of true love." In London the young men 
 devote themselves to the young married women, with 
 whom the poor girls get no chance to compete, because
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 389 
 
 they have so much less liberty, and are so closely guarded 
 by chaperons ; the consequence is, that they lack the 
 necessary experience and practice. We are as much 
 superior to them in flirtation, considered as a fine art, as 
 an expert fly-fisher is to one who has never used any- 
 thing but a worm and a pin. 
 
 As for Flora and Huckleberry, if she had had a twenty- 
 pound salmon on a single gut she could not have had 
 harder work to play him. The way he dashed down 
 the rapids and she after him was something frightful to 
 behold. Just as she had reeled him up to the bank, so 
 to speak, and she began to breathe, he would make a 
 dash, or jump madly in the air, and nothing but the most 
 consummate coolness, intrepidity, and skill prevented his 
 breaking away altogether. At such a moment interfer- 
 ence would have been fatal, and those most interested in 
 her success wisely refrained from offering her either re- 
 proval, assistance, or advice. With Chowder it was a 
 very different matter : he was like a sluggish old cat- 
 fish ; occasionally he made feeble attempts to break loose, 
 but I never slackened my line for an instant, and soon 
 found I had only to be watchful and patient to make 
 sure of him. Matters came to a crisis during a trip 
 which we made to Niagara under the following circum- 
 stances : Our party consisted of the Hardpans, Huckle- 
 berry and Flora, Prince Schamovitch and Laura Berstup, 
 Edith Persimmon and Charlie, Chowder and myself. And 
 by this time Charlie was becoming devoted to Fanny 
 Hardpan, and Harry had long been rather a favourite of 
 Edith's. Of course we followed our devices in visiting 
 in pairs the spots which we considered to possess the
 
 390 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 greatest amount of natural interest and beauty ; and 
 Chowder and I, who were of an enterprising and explor- 
 atory turn of mind, determined to try to push our way 
 under the Falls to the point reached by Professor Tyndall. 
 Encased in voluminous suits of tarpaulin waterproof, and 
 led by a guide, we descended the stairs and crept along 
 the slippery path that leads into the blinding spray. 
 Chowder would not let the guide hold me, but took my 
 hand and told him to lead the way ; and at last we came 
 to a point where we had to wade, and where the spray 
 was so dense that though the guide was only a few paces 
 ahead he was invisible. At this point I slipped, and the 
 noise of the rushing waters was so bewildering, the diffi- 
 culty of breathing was so great, that I lost my presence 
 of mind and clutched my companion wildly. I don't 
 know whether he mistook my alarm for a more tender 
 sentiment, but he responded by immediately clasping me 
 in his arms — I should certainly have fallen if he hadn't 
 — and then in a voice of thunder he suddenly bellowed — 
 
 " Dearest Irene, I love you ! " 
 
 He was obliged to roar, otherwise I should not have 
 heard him on account of the noise of the water, and he 
 could not say more at one time, for it was so extremely 
 difficult to breathe. It was so unexpected, and I was so 
 utterly unprepared, that I could only respond by a sort 
 of inane scream — 
 
 " You don't tell me ! " 
 
 Apart from being an Americanism, I have often 
 thought since what a perfectly absurd reply this was ; 
 but he seemed quite satisfied with it, and apparently 
 regarded it in the light of a consent, and I was too
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 391 
 
 confused to know whether it was or not. Luckily I 
 slipped again, and escaped the dripping caresses which, 
 like some huge Newfoundland dog, he seemed deter- 
 mined to lavish upon me. I could just pant breathlessly, 
 " Back ! back ! " when fortunately the guide came, and 
 finding I was completely exhausted, extricated me from 
 Chowder's embrace — just a moment before that noble- 
 man, unable to keep his own footing, fell flat on his 
 back on the rocks — and carried me out of the rushing 
 waters. I was quite afraid that Chowder had been 
 swept into the river, and sent the guide back for him : 
 poor fellow ! he was so much bruised that he required 
 all my sympathy for some days afterwards ; but as I 
 had become his fiancte in this accidental way, this was a 
 duty as well as a pleasure. 
 
 The first thing Chowder did after straightening himself 
 up and putting on dry clothes, was to make me promise 
 not to tell. He said that the Duke and Duchess of 
 Gumbo would be violently opposed to his marrying me. 
 Considering that papa had promised to settle a million of 
 dollars upon me as soon as I was engaged to him, I felt 
 myself to be quite as good as they were, and could not 
 conceive why they should object. He muttered some- 
 thing about my having such an unfortunate name ; but 
 I told him that my father had been at some trouble to 
 trace his pedigree to the celebrated " Macgillicuddy of 
 the Breeks,''' a Highland chieftain of a clan which has 
 now become extinct, but that we in America attach no 
 importance either to rank or family, and that I loved 
 him for his own sake. Then he wanted to kiss me 
 again, and said, that for reasons which were inexpress-
 
 392 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 ible, if my ancestor had been a Highland chieftain, he 
 could not have been Macgillicuddy of the Breeks, and 
 that there must be some mistake, and I was probably 
 originally descended from the Irish Macgillicuddies of 
 the Eeeks. This doubt thrown over my pedigree made 
 me feel very uncomfortable ; for although we pretended 
 not to care about such things, papa is very proud 
 of his Highland ancestor, and, as I told Chowder, had 
 even got his coat of arms. Chowder laughed in a ridicu- 
 lous way, and said something about his trousers of arms, 
 which I did not understand : but he often, like so many 
 of his countrymen, made silly remarks. From the way 
 Chowder spoke, I saw that the whole affair would have 
 to be managed with the greatest care on account of his 
 parents, and I did not even confide it to Flora, who had 
 by no means succeeded with Huckleberry. In spite of 
 the extremely intimate relations which subsisted between 
 them, she could not get him to commit himself — so, 
 privately, I enjoyed my little triumph over her. 
 
 Alas that my own mother should have been the one 
 to ruin everything ! No sooner did I tell her of our 
 engagement than her exultation knew no bounds. No- 
 thing would satisfy her, on our return to New York, but 
 to make it known. In vain I explained to her the peril 
 of such a course. In vain did Chowder himself remon- 
 strate with her ; it was all to no purpose. In a week 
 all New York was ringing with our engagement, and it 
 had been announced in all the papers. Huckleberry 
 dived off to Utah and San Francisco, without havim? 
 declared himself, in a sort of panic, just at the moment 
 when Flora thought she had brought him to the point ;
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 393 
 
 and I came in for some strong language from my cousin 
 for having secured my own prize and frightened away 
 hers. 
 
 Meantime Chowder had not sufficient decision of 
 character to propose a wedding right off. The parental 
 terrors were heavy upon him ; he talked vaguely about 
 being " cut off," whatever that may mean ; and, in fact, 
 doggedly resisted anything like prompt action, while he 
 seemed more hopelessly in love than ever. To be 
 honest, I cannot say that I reciprocated to the same 
 extent ; I had a tendresse for him, but certainly should 
 never have thought of accepting him had he been Mr 
 Smith of London. Meantime Chowder had been obliged, 
 by the publicity of our engagement, to write to the Duke. 
 We concocted the letter between us, and he enclosed a 
 note and my photograph to the Duchess, who usually 
 spoiled him and was more susceptible to attack. After 
 that we had nothing for it but to await the answer in an 
 agony of suspense. Meantime, to clinch the matter, my 
 father settled a million upon me — a fact which Chowder 
 telegraphed to the Duke. How long the month seemed 
 before the dreaded reply arrived, and what a terrible 
 blow it was when at last it reached us ! Chowder was 
 literally crushed. His face became so limp under the 
 emotion and agitation of his mind, that his eyeglass 
 would no longer stick in his eye. It was useless to 
 urge him to open rebellion ; he was ordered peremp- 
 torily to return to his ducal parents, and to his duties in 
 the House of Commons, and seemed incapable of resist- 
 ance. Such is the tyranny of an effete and bloated 
 aristocracy. How I raged against it ! "What chiefly
 
 o 
 
 94: THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 aggravated me, was the idea that they evidently con- 
 sidered themselves superior to me. The Duke had the 
 impertinence to talk about Chowder " marrying beneath 
 him," as if the aristocracy of New York was not equal 
 to any other aristocracy in the worid. When I told 
 Chowder this, he said that there could not be any 
 aristocracy in a democracy ; that he himself was rather 
 democratic in his principles (he is a follower of Gladstone's, 
 and there is no saying where he will end) ; but that, 
 while he fully admitted my equality with him, he also 
 accorded the same equality to my maid Biddy. I was 
 going to retort upon him as he deserved, when I remem- 
 bered that my cousin, Maggie Macgillicuddy, was actually 
 a factory girl at fifty cents a-day at Lowell — her father, 
 who was a stone-mason, having taken to drink. This 
 confused me for the moment so much that I scarcely 
 knew what to say, so I asked him whether he thought it 
 would have made any difference supposing I had been a 
 Van Twiller or a Persimmon ? He said that it would 
 not have made the slightest difference, and the objection 
 would have been quite the same, as in England it was 
 not supposed that distinctions based upon the idea of 
 birth or caste could possibly exist in a democracy which 
 expressly repudiated them. Hence, all Americans who 
 came to England were considered equal ; no one ever 
 thought of inquiring about their families ; and, so far as 
 marrying went, he considered all American girls equally 
 charming, and me the most charming of all. This was 
 not very logically expressed, but I understood what he 
 meant, and it consoled me very much. He further tried 
 to comfort me by assuring me that he had only to see
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 395 
 
 his parents to make it all right. He attributed all the 
 blame to its having been prematurely announced before 
 he had time to prepare the ducal mind ; and explained 
 that to many without arranging things first, would put 
 us in a very awkward position if his family refused to 
 receive us. He said I did not understand London 
 society, and tbat I should never be able to bear the 
 position in which we should be placed ; but he had 
 no doubt about smoothing over matters in a few weeks, 
 when he would at once come back and make me "his 
 own." This was highly unsatisfactory, but it was the 
 best that could be done. What annoyed me most was 
 Flora's sympathy, through which I could see a thinly- 
 veiled satisfaction. She was in constant correspondence 
 with Huckleberry, who wrote her most interesting letters 
 from Utah, where he was being hospitably entertained 
 by the late Brigham Young. 
 
 We had a very tearful parting ; and in spite of Chow- 
 der's protestations, I felt my heart sink within me when 
 he turned away from me for the last time — looking, poor 
 fellow, quite crushed and heart-broken. I think he sus- 
 pected himself how small his chances were of success. 
 It was very disagreeable to feel that all the other girls 
 were canvassing my chances. Of course, as they had all 
 envied me, they all secretly hoped he would be obliged 
 to throw me over; and this, I may just as well say, 
 without further circumlocution, he did, in exactly six 
 weeks from the day we parted. I will not recapitulate 
 the reasons which made it impossible, the objections 
 urged by his parents, which he was obliged to admit 
 were insuperable, the agony which he described was
 
 396 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 racking his brain and lacerating his heart. It was far 
 too well written and pathetic to be his own composition, 
 and bore the trace of the delicate hand of his mother all 
 through it. The revulsion of feeling to which this dis- 
 appointment gave rise is too painful for me to attempt 
 any analysis of here. I now know that I have every 
 reason to be deeply grateful to it, for it changed the 
 whole current of my views and aspirations in life ; and 
 to it I owe the happiness I now enjoy ; but it was inex- 
 pressibly distressing at the time, — wounded self-love, 
 mortified vanity, blighted hope and affection — for I 
 really found, now that I had lost him, that I had more 
 affection for him than I had imagined — all combined to 
 make me utterly miserable. I railed against mamma as 
 the cause of it all, though I really don't suppose she did 
 so much harm on the whole. I shut myself up, and re- 
 fused to be comforted. The consolation of my own sex 
 only enraged me less than the amiable attentions of the 
 other. Charlie van Didntoffer, who was carrying on quite 
 scandalously with Fanny Hardpan, had the impertinence 
 to offer me "brotherly" sympathy, forsooth, as if I wanted 
 his sympathy, or Fanny's either. It was quite shameful 
 the way that pair drove round Central Park every day 
 with ostentatious effrontery in one buggy, while Harry 
 was carrying on in another with Edith Persimmon. 
 Then to make matters worse came the marriage of 
 Prince Schamovitch with Laura, and I was one of the 
 bridesmaids, and had to endure the condolences of the 
 other bridesmaids, some of whom were to have acted in 
 the same capacity for me, and make myself agreeable to 
 the " ushers " — an institution you don't have at your
 
 IKENE MACGILLICUDDY. 397 
 
 English weddings, and a very good thing too. However, 
 I will not let my ill temper run away with me — though 
 even, after this distance of time, the recollection of what 
 I suffered then seems to envenom my pen. 
 
 I was fortunate in being able to turn to my books and 
 studies ; and I even tried going to a Bible-reading, which 
 took place once a-week, and which was largely attended 
 by the ladies of the fashionable world. It was con- 
 sidered quite consistent to go to this and to all the 
 gaieties that were going on besides ; and yet I observed 
 they seemed to make distinctions among themselves. 
 For instance, Fanny Hardpan was a regular attendant ; 
 and when Edith Persimmon came once, there was quite 
 an objection made to her on the score of her being too 
 fast. Now I would have thought that these were just 
 the kind of people who should have been the most wel- 
 come, because of the benefit thev might derive from 
 meetings of this sort ; but after a little time I began to 
 doubt whether they exercised any appreciable influence 
 on the daily lives of those who attended them, and as I 
 did not see that they did I gave them up. From all 
 which you see that my mind was undergoing a change ; 
 and when Huckleberry returned from the west four 
 months later, I was able to watch the fortunes of Flora 
 with far more charitable feelings than I supposed pos- 
 sible. Indeed I felt sorry for her, for she was evidently 
 really and honestly in love, and beginning to get uncom- 
 monly nervous about the result — which was not to be 
 wondered at, considering the frightful warning she had 
 before her eyes in my own case. So I determined to 
 speak seriously to Huckleberry, and show him the harm
 
 398 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 he was doing to my cousin, and insist upon his either 
 going back to England at once or proposing to her 
 definitely. Huckleberry was very nice about it. He 
 said he had no idea that Flora was really so " far gone ; " 
 that he was very " far gone " himself ; that he thought 
 Flora a girl calculated to make any man happy, and 
 clever enough to fill any social position in any country, 
 and one that any man might be proud of; and that he 
 had never been in love with a girl in his life before, 
 and had only delayed on account of the novelty of the 
 situation ; and he hinted that it would be a severe blow 
 to Lord Somebody's wife in England — he did not tell me 
 her name — but that perhaps it would be the best way 
 of ending " it " — he did not say what ; but I thought it 
 best to agree with him, so I said at random that " it " 
 ought never to have been begun, at which he looked 
 rather red and surprised, and took my hand and kissed 
 it. And two hours afterwards Flora came bursting into 
 the room, radiant with delight. Huckleberry " had placed 
 his hand and heart at her disposal, and he had no tire- 
 some family to consult, and he was in a great hurry to 
 get home, so the marriage would have to be in a fort- 
 night, and would I be bridesmaid ? and Huckleberry was 
 the most rising young peer of his day, and sure to be 
 Prime Minister some time ; and when she was married I 
 was to come and stay with her at Huckleberry Castle in 
 England, and might marry Chowder after all," — with a 
 great deal more, all in a breathless torrent of bliss and 
 expansiveness, which made me feel thankful that I had 
 forgotten all my envious feelings, and been the means of 
 securing her happiness ; for I really think my conversa-
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 399 
 
 tion with Huckleberry turned the scale at the critical 
 moment. 
 
 Flora's wedding was a very grand affair. The entire 
 Xew York aristocracy honoured it with their presence, 
 including the Van Twillers, Persimmons, Van Didntoffers, 
 the Poppinjays, and the creme de la crSme generally. 
 Our old beau Charlie, Dick Persimmon, Tommy Straddle, 
 Billy's son, and three or four more of the most distin- 
 guished members of the Spuyten Duyvel Club, were all 
 ushers, and I was surrounded by a galaxy of lovely 
 bridesmaids, whose names, together with an exact de- 
 scription of our dresses, are contained in the columns of 
 the papers which appeared next day. In the same ver- 
 acious chronicles will be found a list of the unusually 
 costly and magnificent presents which came pouring in 
 upon the happy pair, with their probable values attached ; 
 while the reporters vied with each other in extolling the 
 good looks of both bride and bridegroom, and in convey- 
 ing to interested readers a most minute and detailed 
 account of their personal appearance and conduct upon 
 the trying occasion. 
 
 A few days afterwards they started for England in 
 the same steamer with the Schamovitchs, who had been 
 making a tour in Canada, and I relapsed into a resigned 
 condition, conducive to much moralising on the vanity of 
 sublunary affairs, and felt very much as if the world was 
 stuffed with sawdust. Little did I then dream of the 
 thrilling nature of the episode still in store for me.
 
 400 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 IL 
 
 Foe the next two years after my misfortune with 
 Chowder, I oscillated a good deal. Sometimes I sought 
 distraction in gaiety, and then swung back into study. 
 One of my principal excitements was fighting papa in the 
 matter of my settlement, which, now that there was to 
 be no Chowder, he wanted me to consent to cancel. This 
 I stubbornly refused to do, and, as will appear later, to 
 good purpose. By degrees, I found myself becoming 
 rather an awe-inspiring creature to the young man of the 
 period, which was all the more aggravating to him, be- 
 cause, pecuniarily, I was so desirable. Now and then 
 one in a shy, timid sort of way would muster up courage 
 enough to propose to me on quite inadequate encourage- 
 ment ; and one pertinacious man would not be content 
 with four refusals. This made me rather cynical ; and 
 when I was not cynical, I was learned, with a material- 
 istic tendency, and a theory of evolution of my own. 
 Decidedly I was rapidly becoming disagreeable, and so, 
 finally, I found myself drifting away from my old asso- 
 ciates into a sort of literary coterie, where my talents 
 were more appreciated, and where I could meet men 
 whose conversation was more congenial to me than that 
 usually indulged in by the Spuyten Duyvellers. And here 
 I would wish, par parenthdse, to say a few words to those 
 young gentlemen, for whom I have a cordial and tender 
 feeling. In the words of the old song, " We have lived 
 and loved together ; " so I am sure, if I venture to give 
 them a little wholesome advice, they will take it in the
 
 IRENE MACGILLICTJDDY. 401 
 
 spirit in which it is offered. I am speaking not only for 
 their good, but in behalf of my own sex. I remember 
 one evening half-a-dozen of us girls counting up the 
 young men who could converse intelligently on any of 
 the literary, scientific, or even political, questions of the 
 day. When we had got up to two, we were obliged to 
 stop. Now this is very hard upon us. We don't want 
 to be driven to resort to old married men or foreigners for 
 intellectual recreation : but what are we to do ? When 
 you are not down in your eternal Wall Streets, you are 
 out at Jerome Park, or looking out of the club windows ; 
 but as for informing your minds, and giving your natu- 
 rally bright intellects some wholesome food to digest, 
 which should make you instructive as well as agreeable 
 members of society, you won't do it. No wonder we 
 have to fall back on English dukes, or any distinguished 
 stranger we can find, when our own countrymen will not 
 qualify themselves properly to be the husbands of intelli- 
 gent and well-educated girls. I am sorry to have to 
 speak so sharply, but nobody seems likely to do it if I 
 don't, and I feel that I owe you some explanation for 
 having taken an Englishman when I had the whole 
 Spuyten Duyvel Club to choose from. I have made it, 
 and I hope you will ponder over it, and profit by it. 
 
 Thus it happened that, dining one evening with the 
 celebrated Professor Bivalve, whose researches have done 
 so much to throw light upon the early history of the 
 human race in connection with the remains of jackasses 
 recently discovered in a transition state in the western 
 part of this continent, I found myself sitting next to a 
 remarkably handsome man of about thirty ; evidently, 
 
 2 c
 
 402 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 from his accent, English, and from his haughty look and 
 polished manners, aristocratic. There was a breadth and 
 power in his massive forehead, a light in his grey eye, 
 and a decision in his strong, firm mouth and jaw, which 
 captivated me at once ; in a word, he was a magnificent 
 illustration of the survival of the fittest. I was evidently 
 still susceptible, whatever I might have thought to the 
 contrary. The brilliancy of his conversation was quite 
 in keeping with his intellectual appearance, though it had 
 not as yet been addressed to me, as we had not been 
 introduced. My kind host, however, soon relieved us 
 from all embarrassment on this score, by presenting him 
 to me as Mr Tompkins. It took me a minute or two to 
 recover from the blow which this very plebeian name 
 inflicted upon my feelings, and in my confusion I quite 
 lost some very curious facts which the Professor was 
 narrating to us regarding his own special origin as bear- 
 ing upon natural selection in general. However, I soon 
 recovered, and, as an agreeable preliminary remark, I 
 opened the conversation by asking my companion whether 
 he did or did not consider the existence of Battrybius put 
 in doubt by the voyage of the Challenger. It is needless 
 for me to attempt to give here, in my imperfect language, 
 the entirely new and startling theory in regard to the 
 past history, the present condition, and the future pros- 
 pects of the human race, which absorbed me by its 
 entrancing interest throughout the whole of dinner. 
 
 Mr Tompkins found me such an intelligent disciple 
 and listener, that he readily agreed to take me with him 
 on the following day to investigate some curious geolog- 
 ical phenomena which have heretofore been overlooked
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 403 
 
 on the banks of the Hudson, in connection with the 
 Palisades. Indeed, all round New York, if people only 
 knew it, there is an immense field of inquiry for the 
 scientific mind. Mr Tompkins and I, regardless of the 
 risk of chills and fever, examined it thoroughly. There 
 was nobody to interfere with us ; he never went near 
 the gay and fashionable world. I was too happy to 
 abandon it utterly in such delightful company, and thus 
 keep him away from the snares of the other girls, who, 
 although they could not have appreciated his lofty intel- 
 lect, would certainly have been fully alive to his manly 
 beauty. Mamma had apparently given me up as hope- 
 less ; I was quite out of her depth ; and I did not think 
 it worth while to introduce Mr Tompkins to her during 
 the early stages of our acquaintance, as I felt sure they 
 would not suit each other. The only aggravating thing 
 about him was, that he never would for a moment leave 
 the ground of science for that of sentiment. We chipped 
 rocks and dissected molluscs together, but he appeared 
 to be profoundly unconscious of the fact that he was 
 chipping my heart and dissecting my feelings all the 
 time in the most ruthless manner, and it seemed quite 
 impossible to make him take a hint. He was appa- 
 rently absorbed in working out his theory to the exclusion 
 of every other consideration, till I got quite to hate it ; 
 for, after all, whatever our origin may have been, or 
 whatever may be in reserve for us in the future, it is 
 evident that if the " species " is to be kept going at all, 
 it must occupy itself with the present. I often tried in 
 the most delicate way in the world to suggest this view 
 of the question to him. Theory is valueless if we
 
 404 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 neglect the most favourable opportunities of practical 
 experiment and test. Imagine my horror when, one 
 day, in answer to these hints, he gave me to understand 
 that he had completed his labours in the neighbourhood 
 of New York ; but that there was still a missing link of 
 which he was in search, and that he could only hope to 
 discover it by going out west and living among the 
 Indians, where he could make the acquaintance of a 
 squaw. 
 
 That afternoon I brought Obadiah — I forgot to say 
 that was his dreadful name — to our house, introduced 
 him to papa and mamma, and made him stay to dinner ; 
 it was getting too serious. The idea of his continuing 
 his ridiculous investigations at the price of the most 
 treasured feelings of my nature was insupportable. 
 Moreover, I felt sure that he was under some extra- 
 ordinary delusion. It was nonsense to tell me he did 
 not care for me. It was impossible for two such con- 
 genial souls to be thrown together as we were, having 
 every thought and interest in life in common, and not to 
 care for each other. As for myself, I have been so frank 
 hitherto that I may continue my confessions recklessly. 
 I never knew what love meant till I met Obadiah. When 
 I compared my weakness for Charlie, my inclination 
 towards Chowder, with my devouring passion for Mr 
 Tompkins, I felt indeed how little there was in name, in 
 family, in wealth, or in rank. By the way, it had never 
 occurred to me to ask him about either his family or his 
 means ; and when mamma cross-examined me about 
 them, I was obliged to plead total ignorance. This alone 
 shows pretty plainly how genuine my affection was for
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 405 
 
 him. Next day we went by the ferry across to Staten 
 Island, in order to examine a rock undergoing the process 
 of spontaneous concentric exfoliation. He told me it 
 would probably be our last excursion together. This 
 announcement brought matters to a crisis. We were 
 going up a steep hill, and he had given me his arm, when 
 he told me this. I suppose he felt some kind of pressure 
 on it. I know I did on my heart. I thought I should 
 have dropped. Then he stopped, and looked kindly and 
 gravely into my face. My eyes filled with tears, and I 
 made a desperate but unavailing effort to look as if I 
 was absorbed by the magnificent view ; but I could see 
 nothing except through a watery mist ; and all the time 
 I felt so angry with myself that I could have boxed his 
 ears. Well, it could not be helped. He felt he had to 
 say something ; and, as he was a very cool, composed 
 sort of person, he suggested that we should look for a 
 nice comfortable place to sit down. So we found a tree 
 big enough for both our backs to lean against ; and then 
 he said, as he was going away so soon and might never 
 see me again, and as we had become such great friends, 
 he would tell me all about himself and his plans. Then 
 the real cause of his indifference flashed upon me sud- 
 denly, and I felt sure that he was married ; so I said, 
 impulsively, " Oh, don't ! " 
 
 " Don't what ? " he asked. 
 
 " Don't tell me about her ; where is she ? " I almost 
 sobbed. 
 
 " Either in Utah or New Mexico," he said ; " I don't 
 know exactly which ; but it does not much matter. I 
 can easily find the ones I want out West."
 
 406 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 It was too awful. My wildest imagination had never 
 pictured such a fearful catastrophe. It was all explained 
 now ; Mr Tompkins was a Mormon. He had been afraid 
 to break it to me before, because he had not been sure 
 of the extent of my passion ; but now that I had 
 been unable to conceal it, he was evidently going to 
 propose to take me to Salt Lake City ; and from there 
 we should go on and join his other wives, about whom 
 he apparently cared so little that he did not know 
 whether the particular ones he wanted were in Utah or 
 New Mexico. The wily and artful way in which he had 
 lured me into his toils, his wonderful devotion to science, 
 had all been a snare by which to entrap my young affec- 
 tions. All this passed through my mind like a flash of 
 lightning. All the hearts I had tried to break, all the 
 affections I had deliberately blighted of youths whom I 
 had wantonly encouraged to propose, rose up in judg- 
 ment against me. How fearful was this retribution ! 
 In what a cruel form had my Nemesis overtaken me ! 
 sitting on the grassy hillside, just above that well-known 
 village called, with a ghastly sort of appositeness, Tornp- 
 kinsville. Mr Tompkins paused as if he had nothing 
 more for the moment to say ; and I felt that he was 
 purposely giving me time to make up my mind. I was 
 too fond of him to decide hastily in the negative. I 
 know this may seem very horrible to some of my readers, 
 but they must really make allowance for the vehemence 
 of my feelings. I knew that if I did not marry him I 
 should never wed. It was impossible for me ever to 
 feel for another what I felt for him, and it became a 
 serious question with me whether I should blight my
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 407 
 
 whole existence in consequence of a mere prejudice 
 against a custom practised by all the patriarchs most 
 eminent for piety, and by the inspired prophets of the 
 Bible. I thought it would all depend upon the share I 
 should be likely to have to myself of Obadiah ; but then 
 how could I ask him how many he had got ? He evi- 
 dently did not care about them all, for he had spoken 
 only of the " ones he wanted." Now they might pos- 
 sibly be only two, in which case I should have a third 
 of him ; and besides, I could trust to my own wit for 
 establishing myself in the first place, and I had little 
 doubt of forcing them both into the position of " ones he 
 did not want," in time. Still, if instead of being two, there 
 were six or eight whom he wanted, the case would be 
 entirely altered. It was evidently of the first importance, 
 before making up my mind, to find this out accurately. 
 I internally decided that I would go if he could offer me 
 one-fourth share of himself, or more ; but that for any- 
 thing less than that I should refuse positively. As he 
 maintained a persistent silence, when I had fully made 
 up my mind to this I had nothing for it but to try and 
 obtain the desired information. 
 
 " Are you very fond of those you want ? " I asked, 
 timidly. 
 
 " I am fond of every object in nature which helps to 
 produce the desired results," he said, with a smile. 
 
 I was not surprised that he alluded to his wives in 
 this Platonic sort of way, as he was so absorbed in science 
 that I had ceased to expect anything in the shape of 
 sentiment from him ; but I did not like his allusion to 
 the desired results.
 
 408 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 " Have you many ? " I asked, with some hesitation. 
 
 " Many what ? " he inquired. 
 
 " Many results." 
 
 Obadiah looked for the first time during our acquaint- 
 ance thoroughly puzzled, and, I thought, a little confused. 
 
 " Very few," he replied ; " and those are, so far, very 
 imperfect. Ah," he went on, with his eye kindling with 
 enthusiasm, and yet with a certain sadness, " how delight- 
 ful it would be if you could come with me, to help me 
 to discover the reason of the abnormal formation of their 
 skulls ! " 
 
 I was inexpressibly shocked. So this was all he 
 wanted me to go West with him for ! and this was his 
 way of proposing to me ! 
 
 " Never ! " I exclaimed, with a passionate cry ; " the 
 very idea of such a thing fills me with disgust and 
 indignation." 
 
 He seemed surprised and pained at my vehemence. 
 
 " You compel me to explain myself in my own jus- 
 tification," he said, in a more agitated tone than he 
 had yet used. " I am aware I was to blame for inad- 
 vertently allowing an expression of a desire for your 
 company to escape me, which may have betrayed a 
 sentiment I have hitherto striven resolutely to conceal. 
 Irene," he went on, " you do not know how much I 
 have suffered during the past month, and how difficult 
 it has been for me to disguise my feelings. If I have 
 refrained from telling you how dear you are to me, it 
 is because I felt I had nothing to offer you." 
 
 Nothing to offer me, indeed ! I thought, savagely. 
 Does he call his wives and his results nothing ? But
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 409 
 
 it was pleasant even to hear him confess his love, so 
 I was silent. 
 
 " You force me to tell you what I had determined to 
 conceal," he continued, " for I cannot bear to leave you 
 under the impression that I am cold or insensible to 
 your attractions ; but, situated as I am, I felt that it 
 would be dishonourable to take advantage of our inti- 
 macy, and allow it to ripen into any warmer feeling." 
 
 Well, I thought, he seems to have some feelings of 
 decency left in him after all ; and yet I confess to a 
 tinge of anxiety at the notion that he might prove too 
 honourable to take me with him, though I had not quite 
 made up my mind to go. 
 
 " At one time, I confess," he added, " I had almost 
 determined to make a clean breast of it to Mr Macgilli- 
 cuddy, and throw myself upon his mercy." 
 
 " Mercy ! " exclaimed I, by way rather of an oath 
 than an echo. " What madness ! Why, how could you 
 expect that either he or mamma would even listen to 
 such a proposal ? Under no circumstances must you 
 ever breathe to them what you have told me." 
 
 " Ah," he said, mournfully, " then I was right, and I 
 should only have put myself in a false position ; so 
 there is no hope." 
 
 " It seems to me," said I, sharply, " that you are in 
 rather a false position already." 
 
 " Irene," he replied, pleadingly, " how cruel of you to 
 taunt me witli it, when you yourself have forced from 
 me an avowal that I had resolved should be for ever 
 buried in the most secret recesses of my heart ! " 
 
 A bright thought struck me : perhaps he loved me
 
 410 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 so much that he would abandon all his other wives 
 and their wretched little results, and his peculiar views, 
 conceal the whole story, and agree that we should be 
 married like reasonable people, and go and live decently 
 in Europe, instead of in Utah. 
 
 I looked tenderly and tearfully into his face. His 
 large expressive eyes seemed melting with the glow of 
 his ardent love as he returned my gaze. 
 
 " Darling," he murmured. 
 
 It gave me courage ; I would frankly tell him my 
 thought. This was not a moment to stand upon cere- 
 mony ; so I said, and I found myself blushing and 
 stammering painfully — ■ 
 
 " Don't you think you could give up your pe — pe — 
 peculiar views ? " 
 
 " My peculiar views ! " he replied ; " why, what can 
 they have to do with it ? I know I have a somewhat 
 different theory from Darwin and Huxley, and perhaps 
 it is not altogether orthodox theologically, but surely 
 that need not be a barrier." 
 
 " Oh, I don't mean those," I said, pettishly, and 
 perhaps a little incoherently; but I thought he was 
 trifling or trying to deceive me. " I mean them ; " and 
 I placed a stinging emphasis on " them." 
 
 " Them ! " he replied ; " who are ' them ' ? " 
 
 His obtuseness was more than exasperating — it was 
 brutal. "Why should he force me to name the creatures 
 I loathed ? But he had goaded me beyond the bounds 
 of delicacy. 
 
 " Your wives," I almost screamed. 
 
 If he had been struck with a bullet through the heart
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 411 
 
 he could not have given a more spasmodic start, and 
 then his eyes expanded and his lips trembled, and his 
 whole face expressed such terrified amazement, that I 
 thought he had gone mad. He afterwards explained 
 that he thought I had. 
 
 " I don't understand you," he gasped at last. 
 
 A ray of hope shot into my heart. 
 
 " Oh, tell me, you're not a Mormon ! " 
 
 I was literally panting by this time in an agony 
 of suspense, for upon his reply my future happiness 
 depended. 
 
 It came at last in the form of an uncontrollable 
 burst of laughter. I have seen many large men laugh, 
 but I never saw any one laugh as Obadiah did when 
 I made this announcement. Certainly my experiences 
 with Englishmen on the two occasions when they have 
 offered me their hearts have been very peculiar. One 
 chooses the moment when we are so drenched and 
 blinded with the spray of Niagara that we can scarcely 
 speak, precipitately to propose, and try to embrace me ; 
 and the other, at the very crisis when his happiness is 
 secured, and I am dying to be pressed to his heart, is 
 rolling on his back on the grass in convulsions of sten- 
 torian laughter. As soon as he could control himself, 
 Obadiah put my hand to his lips, and then clasping it 
 firmly, and with the tears resulting from the violence of 
 his risible emotions still streaming from his eyes, began 
 to apologise. He explained to me that the women he 
 wanted to go to the southern part of Utah to find, were 
 the squaws of the Piute Indians ; that it was rumoured 
 that their skulls were differently formed from the skulls
 
 412 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 of any other family of the human race, and presented 
 very marked peculiarities when compared with the male 
 skulls of their own tribe — a type quite unknown not 
 merely among American Indians, but among people any- 
 where else. At least I think he said all this, but I may 
 be mistaken, for I was a prey to such mixed emotions 
 that I could not attend to him very closely. Mortifica- 
 tion at the extraordinary and ludicrous mistake into 
 which I had been led almost overpowered my delight 
 at discovering it to be one, while my anger with Obadiah 
 for laughing at me so immoderately was more than 
 counterbalanced by the certainty that he loved me quite 
 as immoderately. I never imagined it possible I could 
 have been so humiliated, and at the same time so happy. 
 Still, I felt rather indignant with him for having misled 
 me into such an absurd position, and made me appear so 
 ridiculous. What could this insuperable difficulty have 
 been which had made it impossible for him to tell me 
 that he loved me, and even made him try to prevent me 
 from caring about him, if it was not that he was already 
 married ? What was this awful mystery which raised so 
 terrible a barrier between us ? Indeed, before he had 
 done telling me about the Piute squaws' skulls, he had 
 gently dropped my hand, a shade of melancholy stole 
 over the countenance so lately convulsed with merri- 
 ment, and he heaved a deep sigh. 
 
 There was no need of reserve between us now : we 
 knew we loved each other — for he could not be mistaken 
 in regard to my sentiments — so I boldly said — 
 
 " Dear Obadiah, what is this fearful secret that you 
 could not venture even to tell my father, that has made
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 413 
 
 you suffer so much while we have been together, that 
 has been the cause of the terrible misunderstanding to 
 which I have been a victim ? " At this I saw the 
 corners of his mouth twitch, but I suppressed my irrita- 
 tion and went on : " Tell me, dear, what it is that you 
 feel must keep us apart ? I can bear anything, only do 
 not leave me in this dreadful doubt and suspense." 
 
 " Dear one," he answered, " it is very simple, and 
 there is very little mystery about it : the fact is, I have 
 not got any money excepting what I can earn by my 
 pen, while you are very rich ; and among gentlemen it 
 is not considered honourable for a poor man to engage 
 the affections of a girl who has a fortune, without first 
 discovering whether it would be agreeable to the parents. 
 Now, from what I had heard of Mr and Mrs Macgilli- 
 cuddy, I felt quite certain that they destined you either 
 for an American millionaire or a foreign nobleman ; and 
 as I supposed you would not marry without your parents' 
 consent, and as I knew that it would be impossible to 
 obtain this — and as, moreover, if it could be obtained, I 
 should shrink from the suspicion, either on their part or 
 yours, that your fortune had influenced me in the matter 
 — I determined, as soon as I felt that our intercourse, 
 which has been so delightful to me, was leading to 
 danger, to start off at once on my search for the missing 
 skull, upon which, I may say, one whole theory in regard 
 to our origin is built." 
 
 I am afraid I very nearly said, " Oh, hang our origin ! " 
 I know I felt it ; for I was so completely puzzled by his 
 novel and ridiculous theory about my being rich and his 
 being poor, that I could not bother with his other theory.
 
 414 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 I had never heard of such a thing as a man, because he 
 was poor, thinking he ought to keep away from a girl 
 who was rich, or first ask her parents' consent, and 
 absurd rubbish of that sort. Why, with us the rich 
 girls are besieged by the poor men, who do all they can 
 to engage their affections ; and the girls, as a rule, take 
 tolerably good care not to marry them, though they 
 don't mind getting engaged, just for the excitement of 
 the thing. Edith Persimmon, for instance, has been 
 engaged five times, and has never been jilted herself 
 once ; in every case she threw over the man. The notion 
 struck me as so truly ludicrous that I thought I would 
 pay off Obadiah in his own coin ; and when he had 
 finished his explanation, in tones of great solemnity and 
 propriety, I went off into quite as violent convulsions of 
 laughter as he had. The fact was, the objection was in 
 reality so utterly absurd, that I saw that our union was 
 secured, and I felt so happy that I really had something 
 to laugh about. 
 
 " Oh, you goosey ! " I cried ; " all my money is my 
 own, and nobody can prevent my giving it all to you ; 
 and I don't care about anybody's consent ; " and I felt 
 inclined to scream with delight and enjoyment. What 
 a relief it all was ! What fools we had both of us been ! 
 — he, through not knowing the manners and customs of 
 the country, and I through impetuously rushing to con- 
 clusions, and acting upon them, which is also one of its 
 manners and customs. However, all is well that ends 
 well ; and when he found I had actually been prepared 
 to sacrifice everything to my love for him — even to 
 being content with only a share of him — he consented
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 415 
 
 to waive his scruples, and take my money and use it as 
 if it was his own. Why, as I knew I had plenty for 
 both, it had never entered into my head to inquire 
 whether he had money or not till mamma had asked me 
 about it ; and this reminded me that I had not said any- 
 thing to him about his family ; so I remarked — 
 
 " Well, now, we may consider all that foolish pecuniary 
 matter settled ; because, although papa and mamma may 
 raise objections, I am master of the situation, thanks to 
 the almighty dollar. I suppose, however, you will have 
 to write home to your family about it ? " 
 
 My experience with Chowder led me to suppose that 
 this was an inevitable part of the performance. 
 
 " Oh dear, no," he said ; " that will not be at all neces- 
 sary. The fact is, I have, so to speak, no family to 
 write to ; my parents are both dead. My father was a 
 civil engineer, and had just money enough to send me to 
 Eton and Oxford ; but I have had to make my own way 
 since then, as he died a poor man. I have a brother, 
 who is on some Indian railway, and some more dis- 
 tant relations, who do not trouble themselves about my 
 fortunes." 
 
 This was a great comfort. The only thing remaining 
 to be done was to announce it to my respected parents ; 
 but they were both out when I reached home. 
 
 " Mamma," I said, as soon as she came in from her 
 drive, " I am engaged to be married to Mr Tompkins." 
 
 As I fully expected, she was furious. 
 
 " Irene ! " she broke out, " I thought you were a girl 
 to be trusted. You know I never interfere with your 
 flirtations ; but, in return, I don't expect you to engage
 
 416 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 yourself in this way to the first obscure Englishman that 
 comes along. You have refused at least six men since 
 Chowder's affair was broken off, the poorest of whom was 
 worth half a million, and some of them worth a great 
 deal more ; and now, with all your experience, you go 
 and throw yourself away on this Tompkins, — what Tomp- 
 kins is he, anyhow ? and what fortune has he got ? Why, 
 even if he was a Sir, or an Honourable, unless he had a 
 large fortune, or was a distinguished statesman, or some- 
 thing of that sort, I never imagined you could have 
 thought of him." 
 
 Just then the bell rung ; it was Obadiah himself, who, 
 in his blunt, straightforward way, would not wait until I 
 had prepared matters, but must needs come and beard 
 the lioness in her den. 
 
 " Here he is, mamma, to speak for himself," I said, as 
 he entered the room. ■ 
 
 " So, Mr Tompkins," she abruptly commenced, " it 
 seems you and my daughter are engaged to be 
 married ? " 
 
 " Not without your consent," he replied, calmly. 
 
 This rather took mamma by surprise ; she did not 
 expect so meek a response, and continued in a milder 
 tone — 
 
 " You know, we American mothers have a strong pre- 
 judice against our daughters marrying foreigners." 
 
 " I was not aware of it," he said. 
 
 " I mean, of course, foreigners who are not persons of 
 distinction in their own country." 
 
 " I am sorry I can lay no claim to any such distinc- 
 tion," he observed.
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 417 
 
 Mamma got rather exasperated by these calm brief 
 answers. 
 
 " You are aware my daughter has a large fortune of 
 her own ? " she went on, with something approaching a 
 sneer in her voice. 
 
 " It has been a matter of regret to me for the last 
 month that it is so," he replied, " as I am absolutely 
 penniless." 
 
 This remark struck me not only as illogical, but en- 
 tirely wanting in common-sense, so I indignantly inter- 
 posed. " This is a matter between Mr Tompkins and 
 myself, mamma, with which neither you nor papa has 
 any concern whatever." 
 
 " Well, my dear, I will leave you to discuss that 
 (paestion with your father. And now, Mr Tompkins," 
 continued mamma, " as you have told us so frankly 
 that you have nothing in the way of money, would 
 you kindly inform us what you have in the way of 
 family ? " 
 
 I again rushed to the rescue before he had time to 
 say anything. 
 
 " All the Tompkinses belong to the same family, mamma. 
 You know the Virginia Tompkinses spell their name 
 with a " y," and claim to be descended from the original 
 Tompkyns who came over to Virginia with Captain 
 Smith. It is now historically proved that he was best 
 man on the occasion of the Captain's marriage with 
 Pocahontas : don't you remember, dear mamma ? " 
 
 I knew the history of her own country was not her 
 strong point, and that she could not contradict me. 
 " Obadiah is a younger branch of the same family," I 
 
 2 D
 
 418 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 continued ; " are you not ? " And I turned to him with 
 an expression as nearly conveying a wink, as I thought 
 safe. 
 
 " Very much younger indeed," he replied. " I am 
 afraid my branch only goes back one generation." 
 
 " Only one generation ! " exclaimed mamma. " What 
 do you mean ? you must have had a grandfather ! " 
 
 " Two, madam," said Obadiah, very stiffly ; " but I 
 only know the name of one, and it was not Tompkins, it 
 was Jones, which was my mother's name." 
 
 " Then ' you don't know who your father's father 
 was ? " 
 
 " I do not," said Obadiah, and he drew himself up 
 with an air of haughty dignity which made him look 
 superb, as if in his absence of pedigree he defied the 
 world. It proved to me that the pride of no birth could 
 be more commanding even than the pride of birth. It 
 seemed to cow mamma for an instant, and I took advan- 
 tage of the pause to exclaim enthusiastically, " Why, I 
 know my grandfather was only a gardener ; and though 
 you don't know it, perhaps yours was a lord." Then 
 I got very red, and felt somehow I ought not to have 
 said it. 
 
 " Irene, I am ashamed of you," said mamma, sternly. 
 " You see, Mr Tompkins," she went on, " while in our 
 own democratic country we are not usually very particu- 
 lar in making inquiries into the origin of the families 
 with which we contract alliances, provided the money is 
 forthcoming, it is not the same where foreigners are 
 concerned. We wish our daughters to move in the very 
 highest circles in the country of their adoption by 

 
 IRENE MACGILLIOUDDY. 419 
 
 marriage. With our democratic views it is very dis- 
 agreeable for a girl to encounter the possibility of having 
 to walk in after anybody because of the accident of her 
 husband's birth. This is why really no American girl 
 should by rights ever marry any one less than a duke ; 
 and then," she added, thoughtfully, " supposing he was 
 not the premier duke, she might still be placed in an 
 inferior position to the premier duchess. Now here is 
 Irene's own cousin Flora married to Lord Huckleberry ; 
 just think if she were to meet Irene in society as Mrs 
 Tompkins, what a difference there would be in the posi- 
 tion of the two girls ! I am quite sure, Irene, you could 
 not bear it," and she turned to me. 
 
 : Your daughter would never be called upon to bear 
 it," said Obadiah ; " she would never, as my wife, be 
 likely to move in any society where she would meet 
 Lady Huckleberry." 
 
 " Worse and worse," said mamma — and I confess I 
 did not much relish the prospect ; but it was far better 
 than that other fate I had nerved myself to encounter 
 for Obadiah's sake, so I determined to put a bold face 
 on the matter. 
 
 " If ex-President Grant could stand going in after 
 people, I suppose I could," I said, with a pout ; " at any 
 rate, I am not going to give up Obadiah for all the Lady 
 Huckleberry s in the world." You see I was becoming- 
 desperate. I was rewarded by the grateful look my 
 lover turned upon me. 
 
 " Well, my dear," said mamma, with a bitter sneer, 
 " I have said everything that as a mother it was my 
 duty to say ; you may please yourself — only don't re-
 
 420 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 proach me if you are unhappy in your degradation, and 
 don't expect me to come and pay you a visit, to be 
 looked down upon as the mother of Mrs Obadiah Tomp- 
 kins. I shall go and stay with Flora at Huckleberry 
 Castle, and we can meet at railway stations or in picture- 
 galleries." 
 
 With this my mother marched solemnly from the 
 room, and left me to console myself with my darling. 
 Obadiah was a good deal surprised at the suddenness 
 with which she collapsed, and said English mothers did 
 not give in so easily ; but I explained that as the daugh- 
 ters here never give in at all, and as, after all, it was I, 
 and not she, who was going to be married, she knew 
 very well that sooner or later she would have to beat a 
 retreat, and, like a wise woman, she saved her dignity 
 by not allowing herself to be drawn any further into a 
 struggle which could only end in defeat. He was very 
 much relieved at the unexpected turn affairs had taken, 
 and we sat together on the couch and had a lovely time. 
 
 In spite of my mother's threat, my father directly 
 avoided any encounter with me on the subject of finance. 
 Where she had been vanquished, he felt that he had no 
 chance, and he contented himself with behaving as rudely 
 as possible to my intended upon all occasions. 
 
 Obadiah at once agreed to postpone indefinitely his 
 journey to the country of the Piutes, and content him- 
 self with the skull which I offered him as a substitute ; 
 and in order to avoid any protracted gossip in regard to 
 our affairs, we determined that our marriage should take 
 place with the least possible delay, and in the most 
 private manner. Mamma, of course, would have nothing
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 421 
 
 to do with the preparations, though my parents were 
 both to be present at the ceremony ; and I contented 
 myself with Pose Poppinjay and Edith Persimmon as 
 bridesmaids ; while Charlie, who, I must say, is always 
 willing to make himself useful, did dutv for Obadiah, to 
 whom I had introduced him some time before, in the 
 hope that he might take advantage of the opportunity to 
 improve his mind. 
 
 We were married in the little church round the corner, 
 and started immediately afterwards to spend a quiet fort- 
 night at Levox. As my fortune produced an income of 
 about £12,000 sterling a-year, Obadiah agreed with me 
 that there was no spot better adapted than London for 
 spending it. So in due time we took our passage in a 
 Cunarder ; and I once more turned my back upon my 
 native city, to begin life under entirely new conditions. 
 Almost the first person I met upon the deck was, to my 
 amazement, Edith Persimmon. 
 
 " Why, Edith ! " 
 
 " Why, Irene ! " 
 
 These two words, ejaculated with immense emphasis, 
 is our invariable mode of expressing surprise and delight 
 at an unexpected meeting of this sort. Then I saw a 
 number of young men hovering around her, and her hands 
 full of bouquets ; and I knew that she was bound for 
 Europe, and that all her beaux, married and single, had 
 come to see her off. Under ordinary circumstances, we 
 should have been similarly attended. I should think, 
 for instance, when we went to see the Huckleberrys oil, 
 we must have been a party of fifty or sixty. Put Oba- 
 diah was of a very retiring disposition, and hated what
 
 422 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 he called " functions " of tins kind. Since our marriage 
 all our thoughts had been in common ; so I, of course, 
 quite agreed with him, and we had slipped on board 
 quite quietly. However, as all Edith's friends were 
 mine, there was no escape now ; so we had a grand 
 kissing, and hand-shaking, and leave-taking. The young 
 men rather like these occasions, as they can take advan- 
 tage of the pretext of sudden and overwhelming emotion 
 to steal the chaste salute from the departing fair one, for 
 which they have so long been pining in vain. The poor 
 thing being in a kissing, tearful mood, grows confused 
 with so much embracing, and thus gets taken advantage 
 of. I saw it happen to Edith in three different cases, 
 and she seemed scarcely to have known what she was 
 doing. Obadiah, who was looking on with a view of 
 discovering " the hidden principle of nature which was 
 at work," said she was perfectly well aware all the time 
 what she was about ; but I think science makes people 
 ;i little cynical. However, as he said it, of course it 
 must have been true. " Why, my dear," said Edith, as 
 soon as all her admirers had hurried down the gangway, 
 at the imminent risk of jostling one another into the 
 water — for they had clung to the ship to the last — " why, 
 my dear, only to think of our going over together in the 
 same steamer ! why, it's j^erfectly splendid ! " 
 
 " But are you going over alone ? " I asked. " I don't 
 see Mr and Mrs Persimmon." 
 
 " Didn't you hear, dear, that Flora sent to invite me 
 to pay her a visit at Huckleberry Castle. She said there 
 was no room for papa and mamma, but that she would 
 lie glad to see me alone, and they were expecting a visit
 
 IREXE MACGILLICUDDY. 423 
 
 from Lord Chowder. So, as dear Captain Codd is such 
 a friend of ours, — you know, we made our last passage 
 with him, — he agreed to take me under his charge. 
 Besides, Iky Bullstock, and old Mr and Mrs Barebones, 
 and Mary, are crossing with us ; so I shall not feel a bit 
 alone ; and now I shall have you as well — and I am 
 never sick ; so I expect to have a beautiful time." 
 
 And here I should observe that I had received a letter 
 from Flora, couched in rather cool terms, conoratulatino- 
 me on my marriage ; but regretting that it should have 
 happened just at the moment when she was going to 
 invite me to pay her a visit. Now that I was married, 
 she supposed I was too much absorbed in my husband to 
 care about paying visits, — which was a delicate way of 
 insinuating, that though she would have been glad to see 
 me alone, she did not want Obadiah. Thus it came to 
 pass that Edith Persimmon was asked in my stead, and 
 that I now found her on board the same steamer with 
 myself, starting in pursuit of Chowder. I was standing 
 with my arm through Obadiah's, as I made this reflec- 
 tion, and thought how nearly Chowder had been my fate ; 
 and when I compared what it really was with what it 
 might have been, 1 felt inclined, then and there, to fall 
 on my knees with gratitude ; fur I would not have ex- 
 changed my Obadiah for a million of Chowders, or have 
 descended from my lofty position as Mrs Tompkins, to 
 be her Grace the Duchess of Gumbo, for anything the 
 world could oiler. Obadiah said that this sentiment 
 arose from a hidden law, which had been prevented by 
 the intellectual forces of nature from development, in the 
 most civilised portion of the human race, but that in my
 
 424 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 case it was struggling to find expression ; and he hoped 
 in time I should he morally as much superior to the rest 
 of my sex as the recently discovered male aborigines of 
 the eastern part of New Guinea are to the most advanced 
 men of science in Paris, or London, or New York. This 
 may give the reader a hint as to my husband's evolution 
 theory. I may be able to refer to it more fully on 
 another occasion ; for the present I must return to Edith. 
 She was extremely anxious to know all about Chowder. 
 In other words, she wanted what in America are called 
 " points," and in England " tips," from the one person 
 who, of all others, could give them from personal experi- 
 ence. She evidently considered it in a manner provi- 
 dential that she, bent upon the capture of that special 
 coronet, should find herself making a passage in the same 
 steamer with one who had already captured the heart 
 to which it was supposed to belong. 
 
 " Edith," I said, " you don't need any instruction of 
 this kind. You have had enough experience, goodness 
 knows, without asking me. You can't catch him under 
 a waterfall, as I did, because there are no waterfalls worth 
 talking about in England ; but if you can't get into diffi- 
 culties in the hunting-field, for instance, and sprain your 
 ankle, and both lose your way, and then — oh, Edith," I 
 broke off, " how silly you are — or rather, I am ! I will 
 not go on talking such nonsense. There is only one 
 thing I will tell you : it is not Chowder that you will 
 find any difficulty with, but the Duchess. She will be 
 your Plevna, Take the Duchess, my dear, — assault her, 
 sap her, mine her, starve her — anything you like — only 
 capture her. She and you together must then lay siege
 
 IRENE MACGILLICDDDY. 425 
 
 to the Duke, and the walls of Chowder, like those of 
 Jericho, will fall down the moment you blow your 
 trumpet, if your flag is floating triumphantly from the 
 parental battlements." 
 
 Obadiah came up just as I had exploded in this 
 magnificent burst of allegory, and I felt so dreadfully 
 ashamed of myself when I remembered how differently a 
 Papuan woman would have advised any young aboriginal 
 female in regard to matrimony, that I found my eyes fill- 
 ing with tears at this descent from my high ideal. 
 
 Two years previously, as the Countess of Chowder, I 
 should have looked forward to a London season with a 
 delight bordering upon frenzy. Now, as Mrs Obadiah 
 Tompkins, deeply interested in the problem of humanity. 
 I anticipated, with a far keener and more real enjoyment. 
 a quiet life with my husband in a suburban villa, sur- 
 rounded by a congenial society of his literary and scien- 
 tific friends. I will not describe the intensity of my 
 devotion to him, nor the absolute unity of our feelings 
 and aspirations, for there are none of my married 
 acquaintances who could sympathise with or understand 
 it. He always insisted upon my sitting near him when 
 he wrote, because, he said, I inspired him ; but I dare 
 not flatter myself that it is due to this that the remark- 
 able series of articles which have appeared in the ' Nine- 
 teenth Century,' signed " Obadiah Tompkins," on " The 
 Moral Attributes of Physical Forces," should have pro- 
 duced so profound a sensation. Their importance may 
 be gathered from the fact that we are credibly informed 
 that Mr Gladstone is at this moment writing a reply to 
 them in a series of articles entitled " The Physical Attri-
 
 42 G THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 butes of Moral Forces," and that the entire subject is to 
 be discussed at a later period in a " Symposium." The 
 more I think of it, however, the more I feel that the 
 true arena for debating topics of this kind is the House 
 of Commons. It is only natural that, being an American, 
 I should be strongly Conservative ; and I need scarcely 
 add that Obadiah entirely shares my views. He feels 
 with me that it is not to be tolerated that all the scien- 
 tific talent should be on the Liberal side of the House, 
 and that Dr Lyon Playfair and Sir John Lubbock are to 
 be allowed to have it all their own way on a certain class 
 of questions. We have therefore made up our minds 
 that he is to stand at the next general election. I con- 
 fess that it is not without a certain feeling of triumph 
 that I am looking forward to the day when Obadiah will 
 be called upon to join a cabinet, of which Huckleberry 
 will probably be a member. 
 
 Meantime, Flora has fully justified my expectations. 
 Her beauty, her brilliant talent, her great adaptability 
 and powers of imitation, enabled her to assume her new 
 role with eminent success, and she soon secured the 
 admiration, I had almost said devotion, of the leading 
 personages of London society. Thus she gallantly fought 
 her way into the front rank of that set in which Lady 
 Twickenham and the Hon. Mrs Hurlingham are such 
 distinguished ornaments. Before the first season was 
 over, she had got herself enormously talked about ; and 
 there was a certain reckless dash about her, which cap- 
 tivated all who found themselves drawn within the in- 
 fluence of her magic circle. Chowder was one of her 
 most assiduous worshippers, and Edith had some diffi-
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 427 
 
 culty in luring him off. Flora, however, far from being- 
 jealous, made use of her friend as a sort of decoy, and 
 the two were inseparable. By these means Edith made 
 a round of country-house visits under most favourable 
 circumstances, for no one thought of inviting the Huckle- 
 berrys without Miss Persimmon ; and thus it happened 
 that she found herself a guest at " Clam Towers," the 
 seat of the Duke of Gumbo, and in the most advantage- 
 ous position for laying siege to the Duchess. Curiously 
 enough, I had, in advising Edith, underestimated the 
 lasting nature of the impression which I had produced 
 upon the susceptibilities of his lordship. When that 
 enterprising young woman, after infinite exertion, had 
 vanquished the Duchess, she found her blandishments 
 altogether powerless to captivate Chowder, who has 
 given out that he never intends to marry, and who 
 entertains a sincere and respectful friendship for Obadiah 
 and myself. Edith, therefore, has abandoned the pur- 
 suit, and, as she has made a sufficient number of aris- 
 tocratic friends of her own, has parted company with 
 Flora, and has obtained cpuite an independent position 
 both in London and Paris, at which gay capital she is 
 at present disporting herself with some newly-arrived 
 Americans, to whom she is temporarily attached. It 
 remains, therefore, still a matter for conjecture to what 
 nationality her noble husband, when she finally captures 
 him, will belong. Mamma has written to Flora, pro- 
 posing a visit ; but Flora wrote back that she had not 
 a single room in the house to spare. When the latter 
 heard that all London was talking about the remarkable 
 lecture which Obadiah delivered the other night at the
 
 423 THE TENDER RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 Eoyal Institution, she was foolish enough to give us an 
 opportunity of refusing an invitation to Huckleberry, 
 with which she thought fit to honour us. We finally 
 met at the South Kensington School of Arts. Perhaps 
 I ought to have said, what my modesty shrinks from, 
 that I was as much talked about by this time as Oba- 
 diah. In fact, without meaning it, we had suddenly 
 appeared upon the social horizon of a certain class of 
 London society which prides itself upon its intellectual 
 attainments, and had taken it by storm. This led to 
 our being forced upwards, whether we liked it or not ; 
 and upon the evening in question I was conscious of a 
 sort of buzz of admiration going on in my immediate 
 vicinity, when Flora rushed into my arms ; and I was 
 further conscious that it was I, and not she, who caused 
 it. I went and saw her next day, and made the discov- 
 ery which suggested this record of my tender recollec- 
 tions, for I thus became aware that I had developed a 
 great deal more heart than I ever imagined I possessed, 
 while she seemed entirely to have lost any she ever 
 had ; so I went home to Obadiah, a sadder and a wiser 
 woman. 
 
 I thought my little history would convey a moral if 
 it were written, which my readers could find out for 
 themselves, the more especially as Obadiah said he did 
 not mind the publicity of so much that is usually con- 
 sidered confidential, if I thought it would do any good. 
 So I have written because I hope it may ; not to the 
 society of London — I almost fear that is past redemp- 
 tion ; but my own old society, to which these tender 
 recollections more especially refer, is still young and
 
 IRENE MACGILLICUDDY. 429 
 
 fresh enough to improve. I have not meant to expose 
 its faults ungenerously, or to dwell too severely upon its 
 weaknesses. At all events, I will comfort myself with 
 the reflection that those who honestly feel that I have 
 maligned them will be far more likely to forgive me 
 than those whose consciences convict them, and to whose 
 forgiveness, therefore, I am indifferent. 
 
 THE EXI». 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLIAM r.LACKWOOD AND SONS.
 
 WORKS BY LAURENCE OLIPHANT. 
 
 i. 
 PICCADILLY: 
 
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 Fifth Edition, in Illuminated Cover, 2s. 6d. ; also with 
 8 Illustrations by Richard Doyle, cloth, 4s. 6d. 
 
 " The picture of ' Good Society ' — meaning thereby the society of men and 
 women of wealth or rank — contained in this book, constitutes its chief merit, 
 and is remarkable for the point and vigour of the author's style." — Athenaeum. 
 
 " There is a strongly marked originality in his sketches The real inter- 
 est of 'Piccadilly' lies in the clever morceaux with which it is literally 
 jewelled. Mr Oliphant is one of the wittiest Jeremiahs of his time. He has 
 a winged shaft to fire at every institution, and there is a freshness in the 
 enthusiasm with which he discharges his arrows which has quite a tonic 
 
 effect upon a witness The book is full of clever play, and Mr Doyle's 
 
 pictures are more than worthy of the text. Together they give us a volume 
 of unusual interest." — Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 "Mr Oliphant is before all things a humourist We reluctantly take 
 
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 esting and agreeable to read, is fresh and full of spirit, and whatever influence 
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 are in the very highest order of workmanship — clear, dainty in execution, 
 and clever in design- The entire work is, indeed, satisfactory in all respects 
 — moral, literary, and typographical." — Sunday Times. 
 
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 forcible and epigrammatic, yet never ungraceful ; while the intimate know- 
 ledge, and yet the entire freshness of treatment with which the inner life of 
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 sketches of society." — Daily News. 
 
 "Throughout, the author maintnins admirably that character of almost 
 irresponsible and universally accepted eccentricity, in virtue of which only 
 he c >uld say his good and strong things, yet not be driven from 'elegant' 
 society ; and the privilege is employed with marvellous efficacy. The whole 
 work is &jeu d'esprif, inspired by a mingled earnestness and bitterness which 
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 contemptuousness We have but to add that Mr Doyle's designs illustrat- 
 ing the satire are at once excellently in keeping and thoroughly original." — 
 Daily Telegraph . 
 
 " There is a subtle and delicate irony running through the whole narrative 
 which is peculiarly refreshing, and a banter and savage-genteel onslaught at 
 times upon the incredible littleness of mankind which almost remind one of 
 Thackeray." — British Quarterly Review.
 
 WORKS BY LAURENCE OLIPHANT — continued. 
 
 II. 
 
 THE LAND OF KHEMI. 
 
 Post 8vo, with Illustrations. 10s. 6d. 
 
 " We lay down the book with the rare feeling of regret that we have 
 linisbed it so soon. It is that most delightful of volumes — a perfectly fresh 
 book of travel about a country which one might suppose to have been written 
 about over and over again by traveller alter traveller till there remained 
 nothing more to say." — Saturday Review. 
 
 " The interest of the book is of the most varied kind ; and Mr Oliphant 
 writes now, as ever, with a literary charm of which very few authors besides 
 himself have the secret." — World. 
 
 " To the Biblical student that portion of his narrative which refers to the 
 history of the journey of Joseph and his brethren and the Exodus of the 
 
 Israelites will be read with rapturous interest It is brimful of interesting 
 
 fact of what is to be seen by travellers in Egypt." — Christian Union. 
 
 " Mr Oliphant' s book is an extremely interesting one." — St James's Gazette. 
 
 "Furnishes an excellent subject for Mr Oliphant's graphic pen The 
 
 sketches which he gives of the social life of the people are most interesting." 
 — Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 " The condition of the country and the population is vividly described by 
 one who has been a frequent visitor to the Nile, and as an acute and attentive 
 student of Eastern politics, his observations are of special interest in the 
 present critical state of things in Egypt." — Scotsman. 
 
 "Like all that Mr Oliphant writes, his present book is full of life and 
 vigour, and his attempt to popularise his historical or archaeological views is 
 invested, by his charm of style, with a considerable degree of attraction." — 
 John Bull. 
 
 " Charming book of travels." — Watchman. 
 
 III. 
 
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 WITH EXCURSIONS IN THE LEBANON. 
 With Illustrations and Maps, Demy 8vo, 21s. 
 
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 associations than any other in the world. Practical observation on the 
 resources of the country, witty and animated descriptions, and ingenious 
 topographical speculations are judiciously leavened with personal adventure 
 and original reflections." — Athenaeum. 
 
 "The author tells the story of his arrival in Syria and of his wanderings 
 and vicissitudes in the Holy Land ; tells it in terse and eloquent English, 
 with here a quaint anecdote, there a graphic description of some famous scene 
 of Scriptural history, such as that which refers to the death of Absalom." — 
 Christian Globe. 
 
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 teresting.''— Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 WILLIAM BLACKWOOD & SONS, Edinburgh and London.