This book is DUE on the last date stamped below HraHSlBr b i i irphy, Arthur. The way to keep him. 1770. All in the wrong. 1761. The school for guardians. 1767. No one f s enemy but his own . 1764 . THE WAY TO KEEP HIM, A COMEDY In FIVE ACTS, As it is performed at the T H E A T R E-R OYAL in D R U R Y-L A NE, By Mr. MURPHY. Connubio jmgam flabill^ -propriamque dicdbo. VIRG. T,H E S I X T rt E'i>',i T 10 N. LONDON, Printed for P. V A I L L A N T. 1 770. ( Price is. 6d. ) ' ^ > a P R O L OG U E. Spoken by Mr. HOLLAND. TJfHENfirJl the haughty critic's dreadful rage, ** With Gothic fury, over-ran thejlage, Then PROLOGUES rofe, andjlrove with varied art To gain thefoft acceffes to the heart \ Thro* all the tuneful tribe ttf infeftionflew, And each GREAT GENIUS his petition drew, In forma pauperis addrefs'd the pit, With all the gay antithejis of wit. Their f acred art poor poets own'd a crime ; Theyjigh'd in fimile ; they bow'd in rhyme. For charity they all were for fd to beg ; And ev'ry Prologue was " a wooden leg." Next thefe a hardy manly race appeared, Who knew no dulnefs, and no audience fear* d. From nature's jlore each curious tint they drew, Then boldly held the piece to public view. " Lo ! here! exaft proportion I juft dejign! * c The bold relief! and the unerring line ! " Mark in j oft union how the colours ftrikg ! " This, Sirs, you will or this you ought to like." They bid defiance to the foes of wit. " Scatter d like ratjbane up and down the pit** Such Prologues were of yore \-~our bard to-night Difdains afalfe companion to excite, Nor too fecure your judgment would oppofe', He packs no jury, AND HE DREADS NO FOES. To govern here no party can expeff ; An audience willpreferve its own refpeft. Tet premature, nor grown up to full age His little gr cup uncenfur'd walked the ft age. His tablet to enlarge his hand he tries, And bids his canvafs glow with various dyes, Where fenfe and folly mix in dubious Jlrife, Alternate rife, and Jlruggle into life. Judge if with art the mimic Jirckes he bknd y If amicably light and jhade contend-, The mental features, if he trace with Jkitt; See the piece frft -then damn it if you will. Dramatis Perfbnae. M E N. LOVEMOUE, Mr. GARRICK.' Sir BASHFUL CONSTANT, Mr. YATES. Sir BRILLIANT FASHION, Mr. PALMER. WILLIAM, Serv. to LOVEMORE, Mr. KING. SIDEBOARD, Serv. to Sir BASH. Mr.AcKMAN. 1 W O M EN. The Widow BE LLMOUR, Mrs. GIBBER; Mrs. LOVEMORE, Mrs. YATES. Lady CONSTANT, Mrs. DAVIES. MUSLIN, Maid to Mrs, LOVE, j Mfs< MORE, MIGN.ONET, Maid to Mrs.) Mifs BELLMOUR, FURNISH, Maid to Lady Con-j Hlpplgu , ; STANT. A black boy belonging to the? Mf Widow. SCENE, LONDON. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ACT I. SCENE I. A Room in LOVEMORE's Houfe, WILLIAM at Cards with a Brother Servant. WILLIAM. A PLAGUE on it! I've turn'd out my game. Is forty-feven good?- SERT. Equal, WIL. A plague go with it tearfe to a queen!-^- SERV. Equal. WIL. I*ve ruin'd my game, and be hang'd to me. I don't believe there's a footman in England plays with worfe luck than myfelf. - -^Four aces is fourteen ! SERV. That's hard; -cruel, by Jupiter! WIL. Four aces is. fourteen fifteen (p.'tys.') SERV. There's your equality, s WIL. Very well - -fix teen (plays] -- -feventeen Enter MUSLIN. Mus. There's a couple of you, indeed !- You're fo fond of the vices of your betters, that you're icarce out of your beds, when yon miift pretend to imitate them and their ways, forfooth. WIL. Prithee, be quiet, woman, do. rEighteen Mus. Set you up indeed, Mr. Coxcomb.^ WIL. Nineieen ! Clubs (plays.} B Mus. 2 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mus. Have done with your foolery, will ye ? And fend my Lady word WIL. Hold your tongue, Mrs. Muflin, you'll put us our. What mall I play? I'll tell you, wo- man, my mailer and I dclire to have nothing to fay to you or your Lady. Twenty ; Diamonds ! (flays.} Mus. But I tell you, Mr. Sauce-box, that my lady defires to know when your mafter came home laft night, and how he is this morning? WIL. Prithee, be quiet. I and my mafter, are refolv'd' to be teaz'd -no more by you. And fo, Mrs. Go-between, you may return as you came. What the devil mail I play ? We'll have nothing to do with you, I tell you. Mus. You'll have nothing to do with us ! But you fhall have to do with us, or I'll know the reafon why. (Snatches the cards out of bis bands.} W T IL. Death and fury ! This meddling woman has deftroyed my whole game. Mus. Now, Sir, will you be fo obliging as to fend an aniwer to her queftions, how and when your rake-helly rafter come home laft night? WIL. I'll tell you what, Mrs. Muflin, you and my mailer will be the death of me at laft-, that's what you will. In the name of charity, what do you both take me for? Whatever appearances may be, I am but of mortal mould. Nothing fuperna- tural about me. Mus. Upon my word, Mr. Powder-puff? WIL. I have not indeed ! And fo do you fee, flefh and blood can't hold it always. I can*t be for ever a flave to your whims, and your fccond- hand airs. Mus. Second-hand airs ! WIL. Yes, fecond-hand airs ! You take'em at your ladies toilets with their caft gowns, and fo you defcend to us with them, And then on the other 7 hand, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. $ hand, there's my matter ! Becaufe he chufes to live upon the principal of his health, and fo run out his whole ftock as raft as he can, he muft have the pleafure of my company with him in his devil's dance to the other world Never at home, till three, four, five, fix, in the morning ? - Mus. Ay, a vile, ungrateful man, to have fo little regard for -a wife that doats upon him. And your love for me is all of a piece. I've no pati- ence with you both. A couple of falfe, perfidious, abandoned, profligate WIL. Hey, hey, w here's your tongue running? My mafter is, as the world goes, a good fort of a civil kind of a hufband, and I, heav'n help me, a poor fimpleton of an amorous, conftant puppy, that bears with all the follies of his little tyrant here. Come and kifs me, you jade, come and kifs me. Mus. Paws off, Casfar Don't think to make me your dupe. I know, when you go with him to this new lady, this Bath acquaintance : and I know you're as falie as my mafter, and give all my dues to your Mrs. Mignioncf there. Wn.. Hum, not a word of that. I'm ruined, prefied, and fent on board a tender directly, if you blab that I trufted you with that fecret. But to charge me with falfehood, injuftice and ingrati- tude! My mafter, to be lure, does drink an agree- able difh of tea rf \\ith the widow.-; Has been there every night this month paft Hew long it will laft, heav'n knows ! But thither he goes, and I attend him. 1 afk my mafter, Sir, fays 1, what time would you plcale to want me ? He gives rre his anfwer, and then I (but by Mrs. Mignionet, with- out fo much as tipping her one glance , ihe ftands watering at the mouth, and a pretty fellow that, fays Ihe. Ay, ay, gaze on, fays 1, gaze on; I fee what you would be at : you'd be glad to B 2 have 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. have me, you'd be glad to have me ! But four grapes, my dear ! I'll go home and che~ rim my own lovely wanton ; and fo I do, you know I do. : Then after toying with thee, I haften back to my matter; later indeed than he de- fires, but always to loon for him. He's loth to part; he lingers and dangles, and I ftand cool- ing my heels. O ! to the devil I pitch fuch a life.-* Mus. Why don't you ftrive to reclaim the vile man- then ? WIL. Softly, not fa fad ; I have my talent to be fure! yes, yes, I have my talent-, fome influence over my mailer's mind; but can you fuppofe, that I have power to turn the drift of his inclinations, and lead him as I pleafe and to whom ? to his wife! Plhaw! Ridiculous, foolilh, and abfurd ! Mus. Mighty well, Sir! can you proceed? WIL. I tell you a wife is out of date, now a-; <3ays ; time was but that's all over a wife's a drug now; meer tar-water, with every virtue under heaven, but no body takes it. Mus, Well, 1 iwear I could (lap you impudent face. WIL. Come and kifs me, I fay. Mus. A fiddleftick for your kille?, while you en- courage your mafter to open rebellion againft the b^ft of wives.. W T IL. I tell you it's her own fault; why don't fhe ftrive to pleafe him, as you do me? Come, throw your arms about rqy neck Mus. Ay, as I ufed to do Mr. Brazen ! WJL. Then muft I force you to your own good 'vrffijfs.ifr) Pregnant with delighc ! Egad if my mailer was not in the next room Mus. Hu(h ! My lady's bell rings,- how long has he been up ? Wu, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 5 WIL. He has been,up He has been up 'Sdeath you've fet me all on fire. Mus. There, there, the bell rings again- Let me be gone (**) we ^> but what mufti fay? When did he come home? WIL. At five this morning, rubbed his forehead, damn'd himfelf for a blockhead, went to bed in a peevifti humour, and is now in tip-top fpirits with Sir Brilliant Fafhion, in the next room. Mus. Oh lud ! That bell rings again There, there, let me be gone. (She kijfcs him and exit. WIL. There goes high and low life contrafted in one perfon 'tis well I have not told her the whole of my mafter's fecrets: fhe'll blab that he vifits this widow from Bath But if they enquire, they'll be told, he does not The plot lies deeper than they are aware of, and fo they will only get into a puz- zle hufh! yonder comes my mafterand Sir Bril- liant Let me get out of the way. [Exit. Enter LOVEMORE, and Sir BRILLIANT. LOVE. Ha ha! my dear Sir Briliant I muft both pity and laugh at you thou art metamor- phofed into the molt whimfical being! Sir BRIL. Nay, prifhee, Lovemore, truce with your raillery it is for iobcr advice that I apply to you LOVE. Sober advice ! ha ! ha ! Thou art very far gone indeed Sober advice! There is no fuch thing as talking ferioufly and foberly to the tribe of lovers That eternal abfcnce of mind that pofiefTes ye all There is no fociety with you- I was damn- able company myfelf when I was one of the pining herd ; but a dofe of matrimony has brought me back again to myfelf, has cooled me pretty handfomely, J afiure you 5- ay ! and here comes repetatur hauf- tus. Enter (5 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Enter MUSLIN. Mus. My lady fends her compliments, and de- fires to know how you are this morning ? LOVE. Oh! Lord! my head aches woefully it's the devil to be teazed in this manner what did you fay child ? Mus. My lady fent to know how you do, Sir LOVE. Oh ! right ! your lady give her my compliments, and I am very well, tell her Mus. She begs you won't think of going out without feeing her LOVE. There again now? tell her tell her what you will I (hall be glad to fee her I'll wait on her, any thing what you will. Mus. I mall let my lady know, Sir. [Exif. LOVE. My dear Sir Brilliant, you fee I am an ex- ample before your eyes Put the widow Bell- mour entirely out of your head, and let my lord Etheridge Sir BRIL. Pofitively no ! my pride is picqued, and my Lord Etheridge {hall find me a more for- midable rival than he is aware of. Enter WILLIAM. "WlL. Sir BaOiful Conftant is in his chariot at the upper end of the ftreet, and has fent his fervant to know if your honour is at home LOVE. By all means I fhall be glad to fee Sir Baihful (Exit William.} Now here comes another mortifying inftance to deter you from all thoughts of marriage. Sir BRIL. Pfhaw! hang him ; he is no inftance for me a younger brother, who has lived i-n mid- dling life ; comes to an eftate and a title on the death of a confumptive baronet, marries a woman of qua- lity, and carries the primitive ideas of his narrow cud*. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 7 education into high life Hang him ! he is no ex- ample for me 1 remember him when he had cham- bers in Fig-tree court; fauntered and lounged away his time in Temple coffee-houfes ; fhy of every body, and running into corners of the room to hold a private conference with his cane, which he ap- plied clofely to his mouth (Mimicks him.} LOVE. But he is a good deal improved fince that time Sir BRIL. Po ! a mere Hottentot ! unacquainted with life, blufhes every moment, and looks fufpi- cious, as if he imagined you have fome defign upon him. LOVE. Why, I fancy I can explain that I have found out apart of his character lately You muft know, there is nothing he dreads Ib much as being an object of ridicule ; and fo let rhe cuftoms and fafhions of the world be ever fo abfurd, he com- plies, left he ihouid be laughed at for being parti- cular. Sir BRIL. And fo, thro' the fear of being ridi- culous, he becomes lubftantially fo eyery moment. LOVE. Juft fo and then to fee him (brink back as it were from your obfervation, carting a jealous and fearful eye all round him (Mimicks him.} Sir BRIL. Ha! ha 1 that's his way but there is fomething worfe in him his behaviour to his lady Ever quarrelling, and infulting her with non- fenie about the dignity of a hufband, and his fupe- rior reafon. LOVE. Why, there again now ; his fear of being ridiculous may be at the bottom of that. 1 don't think he hates my lady Conftant She is a fine wo- man, and knows the world. There is fomething myfterious in that part of his conduct. Sir BRIL. Myilerious ! not to you he is ever confulting you you are in all his lecrets. LOVE. 8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. LOVE. Yes! but I can never find any of therfi out and yet there is fomething working within that would fain tell me, and yet he is fhy, and he hints, and he hefitates, and then he returns again into himfelf, and ends juft where he began, Hark! 1 hear his chariot at the door. Sir BRIL. Why do you let him come after you? he is a fad troublefome fellow, Lovemore. LOVE. Nay you're too fevere come he has fits of good-.nature. Sir BRIL. His wife has fits of good-nature you mean how goes on your defign there? LOVE. Po ! Po ! I have no defign, but I take it you are a formidable man in that quarter. Sir BRIL. Who I? Pfhaw ! no fuch thing. LOVE. Never deny it to me I know you have made advances. Sir BRIL. Why faith, I pity my lady Conftant, and cannot bear to fee her treated as fhe is. LOVE. Well! that's generous have a care ; I hear him Sir Brilliant, I admire your amorous cha- rity of all things ha ! ha ! hum! here he comes. Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore a good morning to you Sir Brilliant, your fervant, Sir. Sir BRIL. Sir Bamful, I am heartily glad to fee you I hope you left my lady well. Sir BASH. I can't fay, Sirj I am not her phy- fician. Sir BRIL. What a brute! well, Lovemore! I muft be gone. LOVE. Why in fuch a hurry? Sir BRIL. I muft 1 promifed to call on a lady over the way A relation of mine from Wiltshire I Ihan't Itay long I mall be with you again before you are dreflcd, LOVE. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 9 LOVE. Very well! a 1'honneur. Sir BRIL. Sir Baihful, your iervant Mr. Love- more, yours. [Exit. LOVEMORE and Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, lam glad he is gone; for I have fomething to advife with you about. LOVE. Have you ? Sir BASH. I have had another biufli with my wife ! LOVE. 1 am fbrry for ir, Sir Bafhful I am pcr- feftly glad of it. . \Afide. Sir BASH. Ay ! and pretty warm the quarrel was. ck Sir Baihful, fays Che, I wonder you will difgrace " yourfelf at this rate you know my pin money " is not fufficient. -My mercer has been with * c me again I can't bear to be dunn'd at this " rate;" and then (lie added fomething about her quality you know, Mr. Lovemore, (failing) (he is a woman of quality. LOVE. Yes, and a fine woman too! Sir BASH. No no no do you think (he is a fine woman ? LOVE* Moft certainly ! a very fine woman!* Sir BASH, (failing) Why, yes! 1 think fhe is what you may eall a fine woman. 'She keeps good company, Mr. Lovemore* LOVE. The very beft. Sir BASH. Yes, yes; that (he doesj yor.f tip-top; none elfe ; but one would not encourage her too much for all thar, Mr. Lovemore The world would think me but a weak man if I did. LOVE. Why yes , the world will talk. Sir BASH. Ay ! fo it will; and fo I anfwered her (loutly. Madam, fays I, a fig for your quality' don't quality me I'll ad like a man of fenfe, Ma- dam, and I'll be mafter in my own houfc, Madam j I have made a provifion for the ilTuc of our mar^ C riage to THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. riage in the fettlement, Madam-, and I would have you to know, that I am not obliged to pay for your cats, and your dogs, and your fquirrels, and your monkeys, and your gaming debts. LOVE. How could you ? that was too lharply faid Sir BASH. I gave it her but for all that (ftniling) I 1 I am very good natured at the bottom^ Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I dare fay you are, Sir Bafhful Sir BASH. Yes; yes-, but a man muft keep up his own dignity 111 tell you what I did 1 went to the mercer myfelf, and paid him the money (fmiles at him.) LOVE. Did you ? Sir BASH. I did -, but then one would not let the world know that no no LOVE. By no means. Sir BASH. It would make them think me too ux- orious. LOVE. So it would ! I muft encourage that no- tion of his (afide.) Sir BASH. And fo I told him ; Mr. Luteftring, fays I, mum's the word there is your money, but let nobody know that I paid you flily. LOVE. Well ! you have the handfomeft way of doing a genteel thing- Sir BASH. But that is not all I have to tell you. LOVE. No! Sir BASH. No uQ~(fmiles) I have a deeper fe- cret than that. LOVE. Have ye ? Sir BASH. I have; may I truft you ? LOVE. O ! upon my honour Sir BASH. Well! well! I know you are my friend 1 know yotrare, and I have great confidence in you you muft know Enttr THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. u Enter MUSLIN Mus. Sir, My lady defires to know if you will drink a dim of tea this morning ? LOVE. I defire I may not be teazed in this man- ner tell your miftreis go, go about your bufi- nefs. [Turns her out. Sir BASH, (afide.} Ay ! I fee he does not care a cherry-ftone for his wife. LOVE. I hate this interruption Well, SirBafh- ful Sir BASH. No-, he does not care a pinch of fnuff for her. \Afide. LOVE. Proceed, Sir Bafhful Sir BASH. It does not fignify, Mr. Lovemore; it's a fooiilh affair ; I won't trouble you about it LOVE. Nay; that's unkind Sir BASH. Well! well ! I will I willBut pray do you think Mufiin did not over-hear us ? LOVE. Not a fyllable come, come, we are fafe. Sir BASH. I dvm't know whether I may venture to tell him \_afide. ~\ Let me alk you a queftion firft Pray now, have you any regard for your lady ? LOVE. The higheft value for her. Sir BASH. I repofe it with you -You muft know, Mr. Lovemore as I told you- 1- I I am at the bottom a very good-natured man, and tho' appear- ances in fo.T*e fort We are interrupted again, Enter &r BRILLIANT. SirBaiL. Well, I have paidmyvifit, Lovemore. LOVE. This is the moft crois accident fo Sir Brilliant ! Sir BASH. Ah ! I fee there is no going on now Mr. Lovemore, I wifh you a good day. LOVE. Po ! Prithee ! you {han't go. . C 2, Sic 12 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. Yes, yes , another time will do-, fup- pofe you call at my houfe at one o'clock no body fhall interrupt us there [4fi& to Lovemore. LOVE. With all my heart. Sir BASH. Do fo then ; do To we'll be fnug by ourfelves Well, Mr. Lovemore, a good morning . Sir Brilliant, I kifs your hand you won't forger, Mr. Lovemore ! LOVE. Depend upon me. Sir BASH. Very well ! he is the only friend I have, [Exit. LOVEMORE, Sir BRILLIANT. LOVE. Ha! ha! you broke in upon us in the moft critical moment He was juft: going to com- municate Sir BRIL. I beg your pardon ; I did not know - LOVE. Nay, it's no matter-, I fhall get it out of him another time, Enter MUSLIN. Mus. My lady, Sir, is quite impatient. LOVE. Plhaw ! for ever teazing I'll wait upon her, [Exit MuQin. Sir BRIL. I'll ftep and entertain her while you drefs may I take that liberty, Lovemore ? LOVE,. You know you may ; no ceremony; how could you afk fuch a queftion? apropos-, Sir Brilli- ant! -Step for one moment into my ftudy I want juft one word with you Sir BRIL. I attend you LOVE. This abfurd Sir Bafhful !-,ha! ha! a rU diculous, unaccountable ha! ha! [Exeunt m SCENE another Apartment -, Mrs. LOVE- MORE, and a Maid attending her. Mrs. LOVE. This trafh of tea! I don't know why I drink fo much of it. Heigh ho! I wonder keeps Mullin do you ftep, child, with my com- THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 13 compliments to your mailer, and let him know, I {hall be glad of his company to a dim of tea this morning. MAID. Yes Ma'am. '[Exit. Mrs. LOVE. Surely, [never was any poor woman treated with fuch cruel indifference ; nay, withfuch an open undifguifed infolence of gallantry. Enter MUSLIN. Mrs. LOVE. Well, Muflin, have you feen his prime minifter ? Mus. Yes, Ma'am, I have feen Mr. William, and he fays, as how my mafter came home accord- ing to cuftom, at five this morning, and in a huge pickle. He's now in his ftudy, and has SirJ3rilli- ant Faftiion with him. Mrs.' LOVE. Is he there again ? Mus. He is, Ma'am ; and I heard them both laughing as loud as any thing. Mrs. LOVE. About fome precious mifchief, I'll be fworn ; and all at my coft too ! heigh ho ! Mus. Dear Ma'am, why will you chagrin your- felf about a vile man, that is not worth, no, as I live and breathe, not worth a fingle figh ? Mrs. LOVE. What can I do, Muflin? Mus. Do, Ma'am! Lard ! If I was as you, I'd do for him ; As I am a living chriftian, I would ' If I could not cure my grief, I'd find fome com- forts, that's what I would. Mrs. LOVE. Heigh ho! I have no comfort. Mus. No comfort, Ma'am? Whofe fault then? Would any body but you, Ma'am? Itprovokes me to think of it. Would any body, Ma'am, young and handfome as you are, with fo many accomplifh- ments, Ma'am, fit at home here, as melancholy as a poor fervant out of place? And all this for what? -Why for a hufband, and fuch a hufband ! . 7 What i 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. What do you think the world will fay of you Ma'am, if you go on this way ? Mrs. LOVE. I care not what they fay, I am tired of the world, and the world may be tired of me, if it will: My troubles are my own only, and I mud endeavour to bear them Who knows what patience may do ? If Mr. Lovemore has any feeling Itfc, my refignation may fome day or other have its effect, and incline him to do n>e juftice. Mus. But, dear Ma'am, that's waiting for dead men's mces, incline him to do you julbce! What fignifies expecting and expecting? Give me a bird in the hand. Lard, Ma'am, to be for ever pining and grieving! t)ear heart! If all the women in Lon- don, in your cafe, were to fit down and die of the ipleen, what would become, of all the public places ! They might turn Vaux-hall to a hop- garden, make a brcw-houfe of Ranelagh, and let both the play-houfes to a methodift preacher. We mould not have the racketting with 'em we have now.- " John, let the horfes be put to ' John, go to my lady Trumpabout's, and invite *'. her to a fmall party of twenty or thirty card- f ' tables. John, run to my lady Car-gut, and lee *' her ladylhip know I'll wait n her to the new Take this along with you, there is a certain fet of people, who, when they would avoid one er- ror, are fure to run into the oppofite extreme. Sir BASH. There's for you! a tranflation from Horace Dum vitant ftuiti vitia oh me is a nota- ble woman, (afide.} Lady CON. Let me tell you, Sir Bafhful, there is not in the world a more ridiculous fight than a E 2 perforj 28 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. perfon wrapping himfclf up in imaginary wifdom, if he can but guard againft one giant-vice, while he becomes a prey to a thoufand other abfurdities. Sir BASH. Lord! I am nothing at all to her in an argument. She has a tongue that can reafon me out of my fenfes. I could almoft find in my heart to tell her the whole truth. Look'e, Madam, you know you know, my lady Conftant, (looking gently at her) that I am very good-natur'd at the bottom, and, and, any thing in my power, any thing in reafon Lady CON. When did I defire any thing elfe? Is it unreafonable to live with decency ? Is it un- reasonable to keep the company I have been always us'd to? Is it unreafonable toconform to the modes of life, when our fortune can fo well afford it? Sir BASH. She is a very reafonable woman, and I wifh I had but half her fenfe. (afide.} I'll tell you what, my lady Conftant, to avoid eternal difputes, if a fum of money within a moderate compafs if a brace of hundreds why fhould not I give her three hundred ? I did not care if I went as far as three hundred If three hundred pounds, my lady Con- ftant, will fettle the matter (in a gentle tone of voice,') why as to the matter of three hundred pounds, I ihould not value much if I Enter FURNISH, with a hand-box. FUR. Your Ladyfhip's things are fent home from the Milliner's Sir BASH. Zookers ! this woman has overheard me As to the matter of three hundred pounds, Madam, (loud and in a -pajjlon} let me tell you it is a very large fum Afk me for three hundred pounds, Madam ! Do you take me for a block- head, to movel money away in that manner? Lady CON. What does the man fly out fo for ? . Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 29 Sir BASH. What right have you to three hun- dred pounds ? I will allow no fuch doings ? Is not my houfe an eternal fcene of your routs, and your drums, and your what-do-ye-caU'ems ? Don't I often come home, when my hall is barri- caded with powder-monkey fervants, that I can hardly get within my own doors ? Lady CON. Why all this paffion, Sir ? Sir BASH. Have not I feen you at a game at Loo put the fee fimple of a fcore of my bed acres upon a fmgle card ? And have not I muttered to myfelf, If that woman now was as much in love with me as (he is with PAM, what an excellent wife would fhe make ! Lady CON. Yes, I have great reafon to love you truly Sir BASH. Death and fire ! you are fo fond of play, that I mould not wonder to fee my next child refemble one of the court-cards, or marked on the forehead with a pair-royal of aces. FUR. 1 am fure you deferve to be marked on the forehead with a pair of Sir BASH. Get out of the room, you jade; get out of the room. [Exit Furnijh. Lady CON. I tell you once for all, Sir, I am quite tired out with your ways your unaccount- able temper is for ever Breaking out in fudden on- iets ofpaflion; Avarice, narrownefs of mind, unprovoked fallies of ill-humour, want of fpirit to live fuitably to your fortune, thefe are things that I cannot any longer endure ; I am tir'd of blufh- ing for you, Sir Sir BASH. I have gone too far She is alhamed of me Lady CON. I have often propofed to part, and I muft now infift upon it. Sir BASH. 1 would not have it come to that My lady Conftant, extremities are bad 1 am nor ag?inft fpending 3 o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. fpending money (in a foftened tone.} I am only a- gainft throwing it away with extravagance YoU know" very well, Madam Oh! (he knows buc every thing 1 fay, Madam, you know that if I could be fure not to be thought ridiculous Lady CON. Ridiculous! It is worfe than ridi- culous, Sir The other day, you agreed to a fepa- ration; the articles are ready, and I muft have them carried into execution. Sir BASH. You will have the worft of that bar- gain, I fancy ; a feparate maintenance will go but a little way to anfwer the bawling of Milliners, Mercers, Jewellers, and Gaming-debts. Lady CON. It will ferve at leaft to purchafe con- tent, and nothing can procure that under one roof with you. Sir BASH. I have certainly gone too far; Madam, if I advife you againft a feparation, it is for your own good you complain of my being hafty,and are more precipitate yourfelf We might explain (looking tenderly.} We might explain matters, fo as to come to a right understanding but fo it happens. I be- lieveyou don't know me If you but knew S'death I am going to blab. I fay, Madam, if you under* flood I vvifh {he did, and that it was all over. And as to the power of a hufband, 1 want no ty- rannical ufe of it I don't know but I might be brought to give it up in part at lead and to connive Damn it, 1 am interrupted again. - Enter FURNISH. FUR. A fervant from Mrs. Lovemore, Madam, wants to know Sir BASH. As to the controul of a hufband (loud and in a paffion) I will never give it up I will be mafter in my own houfe, Madam ; and my fub- flance fliall not be fquandered away as you pleafe. Lady CON. A ftorm, a whirl-wind is fitter to converfe with, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 3 i Sir BASH. I will dorm like a whirl-wind in my own houie And I tell you once for all, you are an ungovernable woman ; your imagination is as wild as any woman's in Bedlami and Bedlam is the fit- ted place for you Do, go thither, go; for I tell you once for all, I will have no more of your do- ings in my houfe. [Exit. Lady CONSTANT end FURNISH. Lady CON. His head is certainly turn'd Did any body ever fee fuch behaviour ? FUR. See it! No, nor bear it neither Your ladyfhip never will be happy, I am afraid, till you part from him. Lady CON. Oh I never It is impoflible He not only has loft all decency, but has bid adieu to all humanity. That it mould be my fate to be mar- ried to fuch a quickfand ! But I'll think no more of him What did Mrs. Lovemore's fervant want ? FUR. To know if your ladymip will be at home this morning ? Lady CON. Yes, I (hall be at home Step with me to my room, and I'll write a card to fend to Mrs. Lovemore Of all things let a woman beware how me marries a narrow-minded under-bred huC- band. [Exeunt. Enter Sir BASHFUL and LOVEMORE. Sir BASH. Walk in, Mr. Lovemore walk in I am heartily glad to fee you this is kind. LOVE. I am ready, you fee, to attend the call of friend fhip. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, you are a friend in- deed. LOVE. You do me honour, Sir Bafhful j pray how does my lady ? Sir BASH. Perfectly well! never faw her look better 32 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. better But we have had t'other Ikirmifh fiace I law you. LOVE. Another I- Sir BASH. Ay ! another ; and I did not 'bate her an ace but I told you I had fomething for your private ear Pray now have you remarked any thing odd or fingular in me ? LOVE. Not in the lead I never knew a man of lefs oddity in my life. Sir BASH. What, nothing at all ! He ! he ! (Smiles at him) Have you remarked nothing about my wife ? LOVE. You don't live happy with herj But that's not fingular. Sir BASH. Po ! I tell you, Mr. Lovemore, I am at the bottom a very odd fellow LOVE. Not at all. Sir BASH. Yes, yes, yes ; I am ; I am indeed ; as odd a filh as lives , and you muft have feen it before now. LOVE. Not I, truly You are not jealous, I hope. Sir BASH. You have not hit the right nail o'the h eac } No, no; not jealous; do her juftice, I am fecure there ; my lady has high notions of ho- nour ; no, it is not that. LOVE. What then ? Sir BASH. Can't you guefs ? LOVE. Not I, upon my foul; explain. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I have great depen- dence upon you firit let me (hut this door. [Shuts the door. LOVE. In-the name of wonder, what whim has got poifeffion of him now ? Sir BASH. You never could have imagined it I blufh at the very thoughts of it (Turns away.} LOVE. What's the matter, Sir Bafhful ? Come, A come. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 33 come, out with it at once let me be of your coun- ciJ. Sir BASH, of my council the very thing I want. ~ Look'e, Mr. Lovemore, the affair is this-, but then if" he mould betray me ! I fhail never be able to mew my face again. LOVE. What's the matter, Sir Bamful ? You don't ufe me like a friend ? Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I doubt you, and yet efteem you Some men there are, who when a con- fidence is once repofed in them, take occafion from thence to hold a hank over their friend, and tyran- nize over him all the reft of his days. LOVE. Oh ! fy ! this is ungenerous ! true friend- fnip is of another quality ; it feels from fympathy, and is guarded by honour. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I have no farther doubt: of you Hum .' did not you hear a noife ? >(lay, ftay, there's a fhadow under the bottom of that door fervants have a trick of liftening. LOVE. What has he got in his head ?- Sir BASH, (peeping out.} No, no; no ; all's fafe Mr. Lovemore, I will make you the depo- fitory, the faithful depofitory of a fecret , 'let it pals from the bottom of my heart, to the inmoft re- cefs of yours there let it lie concealed from every prying eye r-my inclinations ; -Nay, but you'll laugh at me. LOVE. No, upon my honour. - Sir BASH. Weil ! well ! my inclinations are chang'd notchang'd but they are not what they have appeared to be I I am in love with -(Stops and looks filly .) LOVE. Well! love is a pafiion of a noble na- ture but don't tell me any more about itj my lady Conftant will find it out, and lay the blame upon me 1 muft not appear an encourager of F this 34 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. this bufinefs No, no you muft not involve me in a quarrel with her. Sir BASH, Po ! you don't take me right ! quite wide of the mark ; hear me out. LOVE. I won't indeed , I won't. Sir BASH. Nay, nay, but you fhall ; you {hall. LOVE. Pofnively no ; let me keep clear j She (hall certainly know ir, and the devil's in the dice if (he does not comply with my defires from a meer fpirit of revenge. (AJide.) Sir BASH. I tell you, Mr. Lovemore, the object of my pafiion this charming woman, whom I doac on to oiftra&ion LOVE. I don't defire to know it. Sir BASH. You muft -, you muft; this adorable creature. LOVE. Keep it to yourfelf, Sir Balhful Sir BASH. Is my own wife. LOVE, (flares at him.} Your own wife ! Sir BASH, (looks ///y, blu/hes* and turns away.) Yes ; my own wife. LOVE. This is the mod unexpected difcovery. Sir BASH. Look'e there now! He laughs at me already. LOVE. And can this be pofiible? Are you real- ly in love with my lady Conftant, your own wife ? Sir BASH. Spare my confufion, Mr. Lovemore; fpare my confufion ay ! it's all over with me. LOVE. I mould ncverhave guefiedthis, SirBafhful. Sir BASH. I have made myfclf very ridiculous, Mr. Lovemore. HOVE. Ridiculous! far from it why do you think it ridiculous to love a valuable woman r Po ! Po ! clear up, man ; and now, to keep you in countenance, I will depofit a fecret with you; I love my wife. Sir BA SH. What ? LOVE. I am in love with my wife.- Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 3 j Sir BASH. Hey ! (Looks at kirn in great glee) He! he! No, no you don'c love her \ He! he ! do you ? Do you, Mr. Lovemore ? LOVE. Moft ardently. Sir BASH. Give me your hand ; give me your hand; He ! he ! I am glad to know this What, and have you led the life you have done all this time on purpofe to conceal your love ? LOVE. For that very purpofe ! love her moft fincerely, but then I would not let her know it for the world. Sir BASH. Perfectly right-, perfectly right. LOVE. When a woman once finds that a man is weak enough to betray a paflion f--r her, (he cries VICTORIA directly, falls to plundering, and pre- pares chains to enflave the poor devil all the reft of his life. Sir BASH. It's the way with them all lure enough. LOVE. And the world, Sir Bamful, the world is much given to fcoffing. Do you know, if peo- ple were to furmife any thing of our weaknefs, we fhould have nothing but wit, and raillery, and fleers, and taunts flying about our ears. Sir BASH. That's what I have been always afraid of-, and fo I have been conftantly quarrelling with my lady on purpofe to cloak the affair, and prevent all fufpicion. LOVE. And it was wifely done ; befides, there is another convenience, Sir Bafhful ; my lady you know has fome youthful vigour about her, and you are rather a little advanced or 1o. Sir BASH. Pfhaw! it is not for that ; that's no- thing ; I wear admirably well, Mr. Lovemore ! LOVE. Do you ? Sir BASH. As young as ever! But I don't let her know that. LOVE. Ha! ha! that's right. Keep to that Ha! ha! F 2 Sir 3 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. Yes, yes-, Ha! ha! I fight cunning 1 , Mr. Lovemore but then I am main deep in love for all that, and have done her a thouiand kindneffes in the mean time. LOVE. Have ye ? Sir BASH. Oh a multitude but then it was al- ways in a fly way ; cautious and circumlpecT:! I'll tell you now, She has been plaguing me a long time for a diamond crofs, and diamond buckles < Madam, fays I, I'll have no fuch trumpery but then goes I and befpeaks th^m of the beft jew- eller in town^ all under the rofe tho'! the buckles are ready will come to three hundred She'll have them to-day without knowing where they come from. They'll ft-t her off to great advantage, Mr, Lovemore. (Smiles.} LOVE. So they will. Sir BASH And then I can take occafion to be as jealous as Bedlam when I fee her wear them. LOVE. So you can I wim he may never be jea- lous of me in earneft. (Slfide.) Sir BASH. Well ! give me your hand, my dear brother-fufiertr. I'll tell you, Mr. Lovemore V.G. can in a fnug way be of great fervice to each other, if ycu will come into my fcheme. LOVE. As how pray ? Sir BASH. Look'e ; there are fome things, you know, our wives expec~b to be done. LOVE. So there are. What is he at now? (Afide.} Sir BASH. Now if you will affift me LOVE. You may depend upon my afiiftance. Sir BASH. Thus it is then. My lady Ccnftant wants money you know fhe keeps a great dr-al of company, and makes a great figure there; I wilh fhe could fay the fame of me LOVE. Why truly I wifh fhe could Sir BASH. But that's out of the queftion ROW I would have you take the money from me, and THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 37 and pretend to lend it her out of friendlhip and regard. LOVE. Why, you are a very Machiavel ! no- thing was ever better conceived Here's a fellow pimping for his own horns. (Afide.) Sir BASH. Here, here, here-, take it here it is in bank notes, one, two, three, there's three hundred ; give her that, and tell her you have more at her ftrrvice to-morrow, or next day, if her occafions require it. LOVE. Sir Bafbful, I'll do it this is the rareft adventure ! (Afide) Sir BASH. I'll do any thing for you in return. LOVE. I (hall have occafion for your friendfhip that is, to forgive me if you find me out. (Afide.) Sir BASH. You fhall always command me but lofe no time ; ftep to her now ; fhe talked of part- ing , ftcp to her and make her eafy. LOVE. I'll do my endeavour; you may rely upon me -, I'll make her eafy if pofllble. Sir BASH. That's kind-, that's kind; well! Mr. Lovemore, ha ! ha ! this is the rareft fcheme is it not ? ha ! ha ! LOVE. Ha ! ha ! it is the neweft way of mak- ing a wife eafy. % Sir BASH. Ay ! let this head of mine alone LOVE. That I won't if I can help it (Afide.) Well ! I'll ftep to my lady Sir BASH. Do fo ; do fo LOVE. I will; yourfervant who can blame me now if I cuckold this fellow ? it's all his own feek- ing So rid:culous an adventure fure never was (Afide) Your lervant, Sir Bafhful, you fervant. [&*.] Sir BASH. Proffer you, profper you, Mr. Love- more! make me thankful! he is a true friend- this is finely contrived ! Hum ! did not I hear fomebody coming? is not that Sir Brilliant's 4 voice ? 38 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. voice ? fure they won't let him in Zookers ! he is coming up ftairs He (han't fee my lady for all that He fhan't interrupt bufmefs. Enter Sir BRILLIANT. Sir BRIL. Sir Balhful, I kifs your hand and my lady, how dots fhe do ? is ihe at home ? Sir BASH. Do you think I have nothing to do but to know whether fhe is at home or not ? 1 don't trouble my head about her, Sir. Sir BRIL. Never talk fo flightingly of fo agree- able a woman. My lady Conftant has fpirit, tafte, fenfe, wit, beauty. Sir BASH. Spirit, tafte, fenfe, wit, beauty She has all that fure enough. (Afide.} Sir, I am no fworn appraifer to take an inventory of her effects 1 don't know what {he has. Sir BRIL. Is her ladyfhip vifible this morning? Sir BASH. No, Sir; (he is invifible this morning; and unintelligible this morning, and incomprehen- fible this morning. She is not well ; Ihe has the vapours ; fhe is not to be fpoke to. Sir BRIL. I am forry for it I came to tell her the rareft piece of news Such a difcovery ! Sir BASH. Ay ; what's that ? Sir BRIL. You know Sir Amorous La Fool? Sir BASH. Mighty well. Sir BRIL. Poor devil! he has got into fuch a fcrape ! Sir BASH. What's the matter ? loft his money at play ? Sir BRIL. Worfe ! muchworfe! Sir BASH. He is not dead ? Sir BRIL. Why that's a fcrape indeed ! but it is not that. Sir BASH. What then ? Sir BRIL. He is fallen in love ha ! ha ! Sir BASH. With fume jilr, perhaps? Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 39 SirBaiL. No Sir BASH. With fome prude, may be ? Sir BRIL. Nor that. Sir BASH. A young a&refs, or an opera finger ? Sir BRIL. No-, you'll never guefs like a filly devil, he has fallen in love with his own wife ? Sir BASH. In love with his own wife! (Stares at him.} Sir BRIL. Ha ! ha ! it's very true ; I heard it at my lady Betty Scandal's -, and there was fo much laughing about it ; the card-tables were all in alto- nilhrnenc ; Whift flood ftill , Quadrille laid down the cards ; and Brag was in fufpence Poor Sir Amorous; ha! ha! it is fo very ridiculous is it not, Sir Bafhful ? Sir BASH, (aifconcerted.} Very ridiculous, indeed! zoons ! its my own cafe directly. (Ajide."] Sir BRIL. The man is loft, abandoned, ruined, dead, and buried; ha! ha! you don't laugh, Sir Balhful Sir BASH. Who I? I I I I laugh as hear- tily as I poflibly can. Sir BRIL. I want to find Lovemore ; he will be fo diverted with it you know he does not care a pinch of fnuff for his wife. * Sir BASH. No more he does to be fure he does not ha ! ha ! (Afide.) No ; he cares no more for his wife than 1 do for mine. Sir BRIL. Much the fame. Sir BASH. Ay ! much the fame he knows but little of us. (Afide.} Sir BRIL. Poor Sir Amorous! he'll never be able to mew his face again ; adieu for him the fide- box whifper, the foft affigna ion, and all the joys of freedom He is retired with his Penelope to love moft heartily for a monrh, grow indifferent in two, and hate moft heartily in three Sir BASH. Do you think it will end fo ? Sir 40 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BRIL. Moft certainly! but I have not told you the worft of his cafe our friend Sir Charles* 1 Wildfire, you know, was about a comedy -now what has he done but drawn the character of Sir Amorous, and made him the hero of his piece. Sir BASH. What, put him into a comedy ! Sir BRIL. Ha ! ha ! yes, he has , it is called the Amorous Hujlaftd, or the Man in Love with his own wife I muft bs there the firft night. Sir Bafhful, you fhall be of our party. Sir BASH. It will be a very agreeable party.-*-! fhall enjoy the joke prodigiou fly ha ! ha! [Forcing a laugh..'} Sir BRIL. It will be the higheft feene in nature W ell ! a good day, Sir Balhful I muft drive to a thoufand places, and put it about farewel ! let my lady know this affair it will appear fo ridiculous to her. Sir BASH. Do you think it will? Sir BRIL. O ! without doubt adieu ! Poor Sir Amorous! He will have his horns added to his coat of arms in a little time ha! ha! [Exit.] Sir B A S H F U L alone. I fee how it is I fhall get lampooned, be-rhym- ed, and niched into a comedy Heaven be praifed!. no body knows of my afftftion but Mr. Lovemore, and he can't difcover againft me for his own fake Well ! well Mr. Lovemore ! Enter LOVEMORE. Sir BASH. Well ! how ! how ! how have you managed it ? LOVE. Juft as I could wifhj.me is infinitely obliged to me, and will never forget this civility. Sir BASH. A thoufand thanks to you She fuf- peds nothing of my being privy to it LOVE. Not the leaft inkling of it She talked at firit THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 4 t firft fomething about delicacy, and thought it ra- ther an indecorum to accept of money even from me, who am fo intimate in the family But that argument was foon filenced I told her I could not buc fee what a bad hufband you are Sir BASH. That was well laid it had its effect I hope LOVE. Why, I hope it had: and then I talked a few fentences to her, as that aperfon receiving a ci- vility confers the obligation ; that I was fure of wheedling you in feme unguarded moment to repay me, and therefore that it was but making you my banker for a (hort time ; with more jargon to thac purpofe j and fo with fome reluctance me complied, and things are now fettled upon as good a footing as I could wifh. Death and rage! there's my wife- Sir BASH. Ay ! and there is my wife too. LOVE. What the devil brings her hither? (Afide.} Sir BASH. Now let rne fee how he will carry it before Mrs. Lovemore. {Afide.} Walk in, walk in, Mrs. Lovemore. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE and Lady CONSTANT at oppofite doors. Lady CON. Mrs. Lovemore ! 1 am glad to fee you abroad, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. I am highly fortunate in meeting your ladylhip at home Mr. Lovemore, I am glad to fee you, Sir. LOVE. Mrs. Lovemore, I thank you. Sir BASH. Ay ! ay ! mind him now. (dfide.} Mrs. LOVE. I thought you was gone into the city, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. Why will you mind me, Mrs. Lovemore? I deferred going till evening. Mrs. LOVE. Then 1 may hope you will dine at home, Sir. LOVE. Oh! Lord! how can you teaze a man fo? G Sir 4 2 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. , Sir BASH. Yes, yes-, I fee how it is -, he won't lee her have the leaft fufpicion of his regard Lady CON. No doubt Mr. Lovemore will dine at home, if it will give you any fatisfactiou, Ma'am ; and Sir Bafhful will dine at home, I reckon, for the contrary reafon. Sir BASH. Madam, I will dine at home, or I will dine abroad, for what reafon I pleafe I am my own mafter, Madam, Lovemore, Ihe little fuf- pefts me. (Afide and laughing .) LOVE. Not the leaft What a filly blockhead it is ha! ha! (Afide.) Mrs. LOVE. 1 fee your chariot is at the door, Mr. Lovemore; Til fend away my chair, and you may fet me down - LOVE. Ma'am, I have feveral places to call at. Sir BASH. Cunning! cunning! ^He would not be feen in a chariot with her for the world. (Afide.) Lady CON. I am to have a rout to-morrow even- ing, Mrs. Lovemore I wilh you would favour us with your company. Sir BASH. A rout to-morrow evening! you have a rout every evening, I think - 1 wifh, Madam, you would learn of Mrs. Lovemore, and not make a fool of me as you do hip ! Lovemore. [Afide \ they both laugh. .] LOVE. Well! I muft begone My lady Con- ftant, I have the honour to wifh your ladymip a good morning I beg you will take no notice to Sir Bafhful Ma'am your moil-obedient - [bcivs cbfiiuioufly to her.'} SirBifhful, yours Madam - [Bows gravely to Mrs. Lovemore, and exit. ~\ Sir BASH. He carries it oft finely - 1 have kept my own fecret too, and fhe (hall neverknow it. - - Mrs. Lovemore, your moft obedient fcrvant, Ma- dam [bows comp'.aifanily'] Madam - [to Lady Comtanfj [bows gravely, and exit. 4 Mrs. TH WAY TO KEEP HIM. 43 Mrs. LOVEMORE and Lady CONSTANT. Mrs, LOVE. Two fuch hufbands ! Lady CON. As to my Twain, Mrs. Lovemore, I grant you but you may fct your mind at reft-, Mr. Lovemore is at leaft well-bred, whereas Sir Bafhful never qualifies his difrefpect with the leaft tincture of civility. Mrs. LOVE. If there is any pleafure in be'ng made miferabie with civility, 1 muftailow.Mr. Lovemore a moft fkilful hand. I have found out another of his intrigues, and I came on purpofe toconfuh with your ladyfhip about it. There is a widow Bell- mour to whom he now pays his addreffes. Lady CON. The widow Bellmour ! Mrs. LOVE. Yes ; and Sir Brilliant Fafhion, to cover the affair, has been giving her a moft perfect character. Lady CON. Why, Sir Brilliant's authority is in general not the beft But in this point he is right, 1 allure you Mrs. LOVE. Give me leave however to explain to you the whole circumftances of the affair. Lady CON. But, my dear Ma'am, 1 know her fo well % Mrs. LOVE. Nay, give me the hearing-, I am afraid there is too much in it, and I am determined to fearch it to the bottom. Lady CON. All fcandal, take my word for it* But if I muft hear your (lory, let us adjourn the debate to my drefiing room, and I will promife to confute your whole acculaiion My dear Mrs. Lovemore, are you not tending a little towards jea- loufy ? beware of that, Ma'am-, you muft not look thro* that medium ; That jaundice of the mind, whofe colours ftrike On friend and foe, and paint them all alike. End of the Second Aft. 44 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ACT III. SCENE, a Room at Mr. LOVEMORE's. Mr. and Mrs. LOVEMORE difcoveredat fable i fervants attending, LOVEMORE. I Wonder you are not tired, Mrs. Lovemo-e, of this eternal topic -William, reach me a tcoth- p;ck -- ' WIL. Yes, Sir. Mrs. LOVE. If I make it an eternal topic, as you call it, Sir, I am fure it is for your good, Mr. Love- more. LOVE. I thank you, Ma'am - 1 know 1 always have your good wifhes, and (picking bis teeth') you have my good wifhes, Mrs. Lovemore. Mrs. LOVE. If you would but wifh well to your- fdf, Sir, I ihould be happy But your health muft be ruined, Mr. Lovemore, in the way you goon-, 1 wonder how you hold itoutatall,S5r yourappetite is quite gone; you have not eat a morlel of dinner. LOVE. Don't fay fo, my dear, (picking bis teeth} don't fay fo ; I have done very well. Mrs LOVE. Pardon me, Sir; I took notice; and how mould it be otherwife? In your courfe of life the whole order of things is inverted ; night is day, and day is night ; your fubftance fquandered, your conftitution deftroyed, your fpirits exhaufted, and your family-concerns quite neglected. LOVE. Here's all our abfent friends, Mrs. Love~ more, (drinks.} Mrs. LOVE. And at the rate you go on, every thing muft go to ruin ; a tavern life ! I wonder what THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 45 what pleafure you can find in a tavern life! The gaming table, riot, and difiipation Company about you, that I know your good fenfe muft defpife, not to mention that coldnefs and neglect, which I meet with in confequence of all this (During tbisfpeecb, Lovemore wets the corner of a napkin^ rubs his teeth* and looks with a gay indifference at her] I am not confcious how I have merited this treatment, Mr. Lovemore. Will you anfwer me one queftion? LOVE. With pltafure, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. Lay your hand on your heart, and tell me then, have I deferved this ufage ? LOVE. My dear life (takes fame water in bismouth t and flares at ha.) Mrs.. LOVE. Anfwer me that, Sir, and anfwer me fincerely. LOVE. William, take all thefe things away WIL. Yes, Sir ! LOVE. And reach that arm-chair, I don't fit eafy here ; ay lathis will do (cowpofes himfdf^ with his back turned to her.) [Exeunt Jcrvants. Mrs. LOVE. I fay Mr. Lovemore, I think I have been no way deficient in fetting a proper value upon you. You won my heart, and 1 freely gave it to you ; from that moment^ Sir, I have never abated from the love I bore you, whatever you may have done on your part LOVE, (going tojleep.) It is very true, my dear. Mrs. LOVE. Your intereft has been mine; your houmold affairs have been the object of my atten- tion ; diverlions, high living, (hew, and idle pomp, have never had allurements for me LOVE, (endeavouring to keep his eyes open.) I can't contradict you, my dear. Mrs. LOVE. Had I been inclined to imitate the ex- ample of many other women, you might have been thoufands out of pocket by this time; and tho' the fortune 1 brought you might entitle me to plcafur- able 46 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. able expences, yet ceconomy and the domeftic duties of a wife (Lovemore drops ajleep) were more power- ful motives with me Some women confider marri- age as an introduction to the great fcene of the world; I ratherthought it a fober and chearful retreat to lefs noify and ferener pleafures. What is called polite company I never delighted in, fince marriage made me yours ; the pleafure ariiing from your company, Mr. Lovemore Upon my word, I have great rea- fon to be charmed with his company Faft afleep! This is ever his way infenfible man! It is too plain that I am grown loathfome to him, and mifery muft be my portion. Mr. Lovemore! Mr. Lovemore! If you knew what affliction ycu occafion in this heart, you would hardly find it in your nature to treat me thus 1 will not difturbhim, and yet I cannot tamely fubmit to be unhappy. This affair of the widow Bellmour, I will trace to the bottom Lady Conftant is lavifh in her praife; then I may fafely adventure upon this vifit; I'll ftep to my chair this inftant, and at all events, I will undertake it Oh! Mr. Lovemore! my heart will break at ] a ft (Exit.) Lovemore talks in hisjleep ; his head nodding about. No, my dear, no; I an't afleep; -it was not fo late at home by twoo'cloek (Jkeps and nods.) I do Jiften you are very right in all you fay I am only a little thoughtful (fleeps and mutters indiftinft words) no no no no iuch thing Sir Bamful Conftant is a foolifh fellow no, my dear, no HO (Jleeps and his bead rolls about violently'} zoons ! I am ready to drop afleep- 1 beg your pardon, Mrs. Lovemore ; what did you fay, my dear ? (leans on the table without looking about] To be fure what you fay is very true -, but one cannot always, you know, my dear (turning about.} 'Sdeath! She is gone oh[ Lord! I fell faft afleep let me make off this drowfy (rifts) THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 47 (rifes) I dined at home for want of knowing how to difpofe of myfelf abroad, and thus I am. over- taken What's o'clock? Six William, get rea- dy, I am going out directly. Now to bufmefsj are my people ready there ? WIL. [within.] Yes, Sir-, all ready LOVE. Very well j I am coming j and now, my dear Madam Venus, with more rapture than any of your votaries felt, I now invoke you I make but a flight requeft ; quit your Cyprian iQe, and at- tend me this afternoon ; i- Your bed arms employ, All wing'd with pleafure, and all tipt with joy. [Exit. SCENE, a Room at the Widow Bellmour's, in which are difpcftd up and down, fever al Chairs, a Toilette, a Book-cafe, and a Harpfichord; Mignio- ntt her maid, is falling the Toilette. Enter Mrs. Bellmour, reading a Volume of Pope. Oh ! bleft with temper, whofe unclouded ray. Can make to-morrow chearful as to-day ; Shi: who can own afijler^s charms, and hear Sighs for a daughter* wit]? unwounded ear ; That never anfwers till a hujband cools, And ifjhe rules him never Jhewsjhe rules j Senfible, elegant Pope ! Charms by accepting, ly fubmittingfways, Tet has her humour moft when /he obeys j \_feems to read on. MIG. Lord love my miftrefs! She's always fo happy, and fo gay. Mrs. BELL. Thefe charming characters of wo- men! 'Tis like a painter's gallery, where one fees the 4 8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. the portraits of all one's acquaintance ! Mignionet, put this book in its place. MIG. Yes, Ma'am. There, Ma'am, you fee your toilette looks moft charmingly. Mrs. BELL. Does it? I think it does. 'Apropos, where's my new fong?- Here it lies,-^-! mult make myfelf miftrefs of it \Plays and fings a little.} I believe 1 fhall conquer it prelently, [rtfes and goes to- wards her toilette.] This hair of mine is always tor- menting me ; always in diforder, and Draggling out of its place : I muft abfolutely fubdue this jock. Mignionet, do you know that this is a very pretty fong? 'tis written by my lord Etheridge; 1 positively muft learn it before he comes. [fmgs a line] Do you know, Mignioner, that I think my lord not wholly intolerable ? MIG. Yes, Ma'am, I know that. Mrs. BELL. Do you-, MIG. And, if I have any fkill, Ma'am, I fancy you think him more than tolerable. Mrs. BELL. Really ! then you think I like him, I fuppofe. Do you think I like him? I don't well know how that is, and yet I don't know but I do like him ; no, no, I don't like him neither, not abfolutely like , but I could like, if I had a mind to humour myfelf. The man has a foftnefs of manner, an elegant turn of thinking, and has a heart has he a heart ? yes, I think he has ; and then he is fuch an obferver of the manners, and mews the ridiculous of them with fo much hu- mour MIG. I'll be whipt, if you don't get into the noofe before the long nights are over. Without doubt, Ma'am, my lord is a pretty man enough ; but lack-a-day 'what o'that ? You know but very- little of him, your acquaintance is but very (hort - y ~-[Mrs. Bellmour bums a tune} do pray my dear Madam, mind what I fay, for I am at times I af- fure THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 49 affure you, very fpeculative, very fpeculative in- deed i and I ice very plainly. -Lord, Ma'am, what am I doing! 1 am talking to you for your own good, and you're all in the air, and no more mind me, no, no more, than if I was nothing at all. Mrs. BELL. \Iiums a tmefiill^ Why indeed you talk wonderfully well upon the fubjccl:;' but as I know how the cards lie, and can play the game my- felf, and as I don't know my fong, why a- body is inclined to give that the preference. (Sings,} MIC. Ma'am, I affure you, I am none of thofe fervants that bargain for their miftrefs's inclinations; but I fee you are going to take a leap in the dark. I don't know what to make of his manner of com- ing here, with his chair always brought into the hail, and the curtains clr.i-.vn ciofc about his ears, . as if May I never be marrLd, if I don't believe there is fomething amifs in the affair. Dear heart, Ma'am, if you won't liften to me, what fignifies my living with you ? I am of no fcrvice to you. Mrs. BELL. I believe I have conquered the fong; (Runs to her glafs) how do I look to-day? Well . enough, I think. Do you think I fhall play the fool, Mignionet, and marry my Lord ? MIG. You haveir, Ma'am, thro' the very heart of you- I fee that. Mrs. BELL. Do you think fo? May be I may marry, and may be not. Poor Sir Brilliant Fafhion, what will become of him? But I won't think about it. Znttr POMPEY. Mrs. BELL. What's the matter, Pompey ? POM. There's a lady below in a chair, that de- fires to know if you are at home, Madam. Mrs. BELL. Has the lady no name I POM. She did not tell her name. Mrs. 5 o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mrs. BELL. How aukward you are! Well, me\v her up. [Exit Pompey. MIG. Had no 1 : you better receive the lady in the dining-room, Ma'am ? Things here are in fuch confufion. Mrs. BELL. No, it will do very well here. I dare fay it is ibmebody I am intimate with, tho' the boy does not recoiled her name. Here ihe comes. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE. (They both look with a grave furprize at each other, then curtfty with an air of diftant civility.} Mrs. BELL. Ma'am, your moft obedient, (with a kind of referw.) Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, I beg your pardon for this intrufion (disconcerted. ) Mrs. BELL. Pray Ma'am walk in, won't you pleafetobe feated? Mignionet, reach a chair. (Mrs. Lovemore croffes tbejlage, and theyfalute each other.) Mrs. LOVE. I'm afraid this vific from one un- known to you, will be inconvenient and troublefome. Mrs. BELL. Not at all, I dare fay; you need not be at the trouble of an apology, would you chufe a dim of .chocolate ? Mrs. LOVE. I am much oblig'd to you, Ma'am, not any. Mrs. BELL. Mignionet, you may withdraw. [Exit Mignionet. Mrs. LOVE. Tho' I have not the pleafure of your acquaintance, Ma'am, there is a particular circum- ilance which has determined me to take this liberty with you ; for which I entreat your pardon before- hand. Mrs. BELL. The requeft is wholly unneceflfary; but a particular circumftance, you fay Pray Ma'am to what circumftance am I indebted for this honour ? Mrs. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ji Mrs. LOVE. I (hall appear perhaps very ridicu- lous, and indeed 1 arn atraid 1 have done the molt abfurd thing. Bur, Ma'am, a lady of your acquaint- ance, My lady Conftant Mrs. BELL. My lady Conftant! I know her very well Mrs. LOVE. She, Ma'am, has given you fuch an amiable character, that I eafily incline to flatter my- felf, you will not take offence at any thing j and that ir" it is in your power, you will afford me your afllftance. Mrs. BELL. You may depend upon me. Mrs. LOVE. I will be very ingenuous ; Pray Ma'am, an't you acquainted with a gentleman whofe name is Lovemore ? Mrs. BELL. Lovemore! No, no fuch perfon in my lift. Lovemore ! I dont know him, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, I beg your pardon I am but where I was. I won't trouble you any farther, Cpuy.j Mrs. BELL. 'Tis mighty odd this (aftde.} Ma- dam, I muft own my curiofity is a good deal excired j rf&ekits her by the band) Pray Ma'am, give me leave I beg you will fit down, pray don't think me impertinent may I beg%to know who the gen- tleman is ? Mrs. LOVE. The fubjecl: will be uninterefting to you, and to me it is too painful My tears will force their way (cries.} Mrs. BELL. Tears ! her grief foftens me ftrangely I beg you will explain, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. You are very obliging, Ma'am, and I will endeavour I have been married thele two years; I admired my hufband for his underftanding, his fcntiment, and fpirit; I thought mylelf as fm- cerely loved by him, as my fond heart could wiihj but there is of late-, fuch a ftrange revolution in his temper, I know not what to make of it : inilead of H 2 the 52 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. the looks of affection, and expreflions of tendernefs, with which he uiVd to meet me, 'tis nothing now but cold, avtncdj fuperficial Civility. While abroad he runs on in a wild career of pleasure; and, to my deep affliction, has fixed his affections upon anotherobjtct. Mrs. BELL. If you mean to confult with me in re- gard to this cafe, I am afraid you have made awrong choice-, there is fornething in her appearance that af- fects mr, (c mere gallantry on his fide, upon my word, I can'c think your cafe the worfe for that. Mrs. LOVE, Not the worfe ! Mrs. BELL. On the contrary, much better. If his affections, inflead of being aiic-nated, had been. extinguifh'd, he wou'd have funk into a downright ftupid, habirual infenfibility, from which it might prove impoffible to recal him. In all Love's bill of mortality there is noc a more fatal diforder, but your hufband is not fallen into that way. By your account, he (till has fc-ntimenr, and where there is fentiment, there is ftill room to hope for an altera- tion. But in the other cafe, you have the pain of feeing yourfelf neglected, and for what ? for no- thing at al! i the man has loil all fenfe of feeling, and is become to the warm beams of wit and beau- ty, as impenetrable as an ice-houfe. Mrs. LOVE. I am afraid, Ma'am, he is too much the reverfe of this, too fufceptible of impreffions from every beautiful object. Mrs. BSLL. Why, fo much the better, as I told you already ; fome new idea has ftruck his fancy, and he will be for a while under the influence of thar. Mrs. LOVE. How light fhe makes of it ! (ajide.) Mrs. BELL. But it is the wife's bufinefs to bait the hock for her hufband with variety; and to draw him 7 daily THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ^ daily to herfelf : that is the whole affair; I would not make myfelf uneafy, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. Not uneafy ! when his indifference does not diminifh my regard for him ! Not uneafy, when the man I doat on, no longer fixes his happi- nefs at home ! Mrs. BELL. Ma'am, you'll give me leave to fpeak my mind freely. I have often obferv'd, when the fiend jealoufy is rous'd, that women lay out a won- derful deal of anxiety and vexation to no account, when perhaps, if the truth were known, theymou'd be angry with themfelves inflead of their hufbands. Mrs. LOVE. Angry with myfelf, Madam I- calumny can lay nothing to my charge, the virtue of my conduct, Madam Mrs. BELL. Look ye there now, I wou'd have laid my life, you wou'd be at that work that's the folly of us all. But virtue is out of the queftion at prefent. I mean the want of addrefs, and proper management ! It is there that moft women fail, virtue alone cannot pleafe the tafte of this age. It is La Bel'e Nature^ Nature embellimed by the ad- vantages of art, that the men expect now-a-days. Mrs. LOVE. But after being married fo long, and behaving all that time widi fuch an equality Mrs. BE LL. Ay, that equality is the rock fo many fplit upon. The men are now fo immers'd in lux- ury, that they muft have eternal variety in their happinefs. Mrs. LOVE. She juftifies him. (Afide.) Mrs. BELL. I'll tell you what; I wou'd venture to lay a pot of coffee, that the perfon who now rivals you in your hufband's affection, does it without your good qualities, and even without your beauty, by the mere force of agreeable talents, and afli- duity to pleafe. Mrs. LOVE. I am afraid that compliment Mrs. 54 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mrs. BELL. Let me afk you, Ma'am, have you ever feen this formidable perfon ? Mrs. LOVE. There I own I am puzzled. Mrs. BELL. What fort of a woman, pray ? Mrs. LOVE. Formidable indeed ! She was de- fcribed to me as one of charming and rare accom- plifhments. Mrs. BELL. Never throw up the cards for all that Really, Ma'am, without compliment, you feem to have all the qualities that can difpute your huf- band's heart with any body ; but the exertion of thofe qualities, I am afraid, is fupprefs'd. You'll excufe my freedom. You fhou'd counterwork your rival by the very fame art me employs. I know a lady now in your fituation, and what does fhe do ? She confumes herfelf with eternal jealoufy : where- as, if fhe wou'd but employ half the pains fhe ufes jn teafing herfelf, to vie with the creature that has won her hufband from her, to vie with her, I fay, in the arts of pleafing, for it is there a woman's pride fhou'd be piqued, wou'd fhe do that, take iny word for it, victory wou'd declare in her favour. Mrs. LOVE. Do you think fo, Ma'am ? Mrs. BELL. Think fo ! I am fure of it Virtue alone, by her own native charms wou'd do, if men were perfect; but that is not the cafe, and fince vice can affume allurements, why fhould not truth and innocence have additional ornaments alfo. ' Mrs. LOVE. I find Sir Brilliant told me truth. (Afide^ Mrs. BELL. I have been married, Ma'am, and am a little in the fecret, It is much more difficult to keep a heart than win one After the fatal words ** for better for worfe," the general way with wives is to relax into indolence, and while they are guilty of no infidelity, they think that is enough : but they are miftaken; there is a great deal wanting an addrefs, a manner, a defire of pleafing an agree- able THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 55 able contraft in their conduct, of grave and gay ; a favourite poet of mine Prior, has exprefftd this very delicately. Above the fix'd and fettled rules Office, andvirtue, in the fchools, The better part fluuld fet before 'em A grace-! a manner, a decorum. Mrs. LOVE. But when the natural temper- Mrs. BELL. The natural temper mud 'be forc'd; home muft be made a place of pieafure to the huf- band, and the wife muit throw infinite variety into her manner-, in fhort, fhe muft, as it were, mul- tiply herfclf, and appear to him fundry different wo- men on different occafions. And this I take to be the whole myftery ; the way to keep a man. But I run on at a flrange rate Well, to be fure, I'm the giddiefl creature. Ma'am, will you now give me leave to enquire, how I came to have this favour ? Who recommended me to your notice? And pray who was fo kind as to intimate that I was acquaint- ed with Mr. Lovemore ? Mrs. LOVE. I beg your pardon for all the trouble I have given you, and I aflure you, 'tis entirely owing to my being told that his vilits were frequent here. Mrs. BELL. His vifics frequent here ! My lady Conftant could not fay that Mrs. LOVE. No Ma'am ; quite the reverfe -, fhe affured me you would make me ealy on that head * Mrs. BILL. Then I find fcandal has been buz- zing about; but, I affure you, I do not know the gentleman. Oh ! lud, I hear a rap at the door, I pofitively won't be at home. (Rings a bell.) Enter M1GNIONET. MIG. Did you call, Madam ? Mrs. BELL. I am not at home. MIG. 5 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. MIG. 'Tis lord Etheridge, Ma'am he's com- ing up flairs, the fervants told him you were within. Mrs. BELL. Was ever any thing fo crofs ? Tell him there is company with me, and he won't come in. Mignionet, run to him. Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, I beg I mayn't hinder you. Mrs. BELL. Our converfation begins to grow in- terefting, and I wou'd not have you go for the world. J won't fee my lord. Mrs. LOVE. I beg you will, don't let me pre- vent, I'll ftep into another room. Mrs. BELL. Will you be fo kind ? There is a fludy of books in that room, if you will be fo ob- liging as to amufe yourfelf there, I (hall be glad to relume this converfation again. He fhan't flay long. Mrs. LOVE. I beg you will be in no hurry, I can wait with pleafure. Mrs. BELL. This is a lover of mine , and a huf- band and a lover fhou'd be treated in the fame man- ner ; perhaps it will divert you to hear how I ma- nage him. I hear him on the flairs, for heaven*s fake, make hafle. Mignionet, mew the way. MIG. This way, Madam, this way. [Exeunt Mrs. Love, and Mignionet. Mrs. BELL. Let me fee how I look to receive him. [Runs to her glafs. Enter LOVEMORE, with a Star and Ribband as Lord ETHERIDGE. Mrs. BELL. (Looking in her glafs.} Lord Ethe- ridge ! Walk in, my Lord. LOVE. (Repeats.) A heavenly image in the glafs appears, To that Jhe bends, to that htr eyesjhe rears. Repairs berfmiles. Mrs. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 5; Mrs. BELL. Repairs her fmiles, my Lord ! I don't like your application of that phrafe Pray, my Lord, are my fmiles out of repair, like an old houfe in the country, that v/ants a tenant ? LOVE. Nay now, that's wrefting the words from their vifible intention. -You can't fuppofe 1 thought you want repair, whatever may be the cafe, Ma'am, with regard to the want of a tenant. Mrs. BELL. And fo you think I really want a tenant ! And perhaps you imagine too, that I am going to put up a bill, (Looking in her glafy to fig- nify to all paffers-by, that here is a manfion to be lett. Well, I fwear, I don't think it wou'd be a bad fcheme. I have a great mind to do fo. LOVE. And he who has the preference Mrs. BELL. Will be very happy, I know you mean fo. But I'll lett it to none but a fmgle gen- tleman, that you may depend upon. LOVE. What the devil does me mean by that ? She has not got an inkling of the affair, I hope. (Afide.} None elfe could prefu me, Madam, to Mrs, BELL. And then it muft be aleafe for life^ But nobody will be troubled with it I mail ne- ver get it off my hands. Do you think I mail, my Lord ? LOVE. Why that queftion, Madam ? You knovy I am devoted to you, even if it were to be bought with life. Mrs BELL. Heav'ns what a dying fwairi you are! And does your lordlhip really intend to be guilty of matrimony ? Lord ! what a queftion have I afked? ' Well, to be fure, I am a very mad-cap ! My Lord, don't you think me a ftrange mad-cap? LOVE. A wildnefs like yours, that arifes from vi- vacity and fentiment together, ferves only to exalt your beauty,and give new poignancy to every charm . Mrs. BELL. Well, upon my word you have faid it finely !~But you are in the right, my Lord. I I hate 58 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. hate your penfive, melancholy beauty, that fits like a well-grown vegetable in a room for an hour to- gether, *till at laft (he is animated to the violent ex- ertion of faying yes or no, and then enters into a matter-of-fact converfation, " Have you heard the news ? Mifs Beverly is going to be married to cap- tain Shoulderknot. My lord Mortgage has had another tumble at Arthur's. Sir William Squan- derftock has loft his election. They fay, Ihort aprons are coming into falhion again." LOVE. Oh lard ! a matter- of- fact converfation is infupportable. Mrs. BELL. Pray, my Lord, have you ever ob- ferved the manner of one lady's accofting another at Ranelagh ? She comes up to you with a demure look of infipid ferenity, makes you a folemn falute " Ma'am, I am overjoyed to meet you, you look charmingly. But, dear Madam, did you hear what happened to us all the other night? We were going home from the opera, Ma'am *, you know my aunt Roly-Poly, it was her coach, there was fhe, and lady Betty Fidget, Your moft obedient fervant, Ma'am, (Curtfeying to another^ as it were going by] lady Betty, you know, is recovered every body thought it over with her, but doctor Snakcroot was called in, no not doctor Snakero-t, Doctor Bolus it was, and fo he altered the courfe of the medicines, and fo my lady Betty recovered ! well, there was (he and Sir George Bragwell, a pretty man Sir George, fineft teeth in the world. Your ladyfhip's moft obedient. We expected you laft night, but you did not come, he! he ! And fo there was he and the reft of us, and fo turning the corner of Bond-ftreet, the villain of a coachman How do you do, Madam? The villain of a coachman overturned us all ; my aunt Roly-Poly was frightened out of her wits THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 59 wits, and lady Betty has been nervifliever fince: Only thinkof that, fuch accidents in life. Ma'am, your moft obdient, I am proud to lee you look io well." LOVE. An exact defcription, the very thing ha! ha! Mrs. BELL. And then from this converfation they all run to cards, " Quadrille has murdered wit.** LOVE. Ay, and beauty too; for upon thefe oc- cafions, " the paffions in the features are ." I have feen many a beautiful countenance change in a mo- ment into abiolute deformity ; the little loves and graces that before fparkled in the eye, bloom'd in the cheek, and fmiPd about the mouth, all fly off in an inftant, and refign the features which they be- fore adorn'd, to fear, to anger, to grief, and the whole train of fretful paffions. Mrs. BELL. Ay, and the rage we poor women are often betrayed into on thefc occafions LOVE. Very true, Ma'am i and if by chance, they do bridle and hold in a little, the ftruggle they undergo is the moft ridiculous fight imaginable. 1 have feen an oath quivering upon the pale lip of a reigning toaft, for half an hour together; yes, and I have feen an uplifted eye blafpheming Providence for the lofs of an odd trick; and then at laft, when the whole room burft out into one loud univerfal uproar, " My lord, you flung away the game No, Ma'am, it was you. Sir George, why did not you rough the diamond? Capt, Hazard, why did not you lead through the honour ? Ma'am, it was npt the play. Pardon me, Sir, But Ma'am, But Sir,^I would not play with you for draws. Don't you know what Hoyle fays ? If A and B are partners again!): C and D, and the game nine-all, A and B have won three tricks, and C and D rour tricks; C leads his fuit, D puts up the king, then returns the fuit, A pafles, C puts up the queen, B I 3 roughs 60 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. roughs the next :" and fo A and B, and C and D are bang'd about , and all is jargon, confufion,up- roar, and wrangling, and nonfenfe, and noife. Ha! ha! Mrs. BELL. Ha! ha! a fine pifture of a rout ; but one muft play ibmetimes we muft let our friends pick our pockets fometimes, or they'll drop pur acquaintance. Pray, my Lord, do you never play ? LOVE. Play, Ma'am ! I muft lie to the end of the chapter, (Afide,) play ! now and then out of neceffity ! otherwife, I never touch a card. Mrs. BELL. Oh ! very true, you dedicate your time to the mufes 5 a downright rhyming Peer. Do you know, my Lord, that I am. charm'd with your fong ? LOVE. Are you ? Mrs. BELL. I am indeed ; I think you'd make a very tolerable Vauxhall poet. LOVE. You flatter me, Ma'am. Mrs. BELL. No, as I live and breathe, I dont; and do you know that I can ling it already? Come, youihallhear me, you (hall heart it. (Sings.) Attend, all ye fair, and Til tell ye the art To bind every fancy with eafe in your chains, To hold in foft fetters the conjugal heart l , And banifo from Hymen his doubts and his pains. II. When Juno accepted the ceftus of love, At firft /he was handfome\ Jhe charming became j With '/kill the foft paffions it taught her to move, To kindle at once, and to keep up the flame. III. *Tis this gives the eyes all their magic and fire ; The voice-melting accents, impajfions the kifs ; Confers the fiveet fmiles that awaken dejire, And plants round the fair each incentive to blifs. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 61 IV. Thence flows the gay chat, more than reafon that charms ; 'The eloquent blujh* that can beattty improve ; ybefondjigh, the fond vow, the f oft touch that alarms* Ibe tender dijdain, the renewal of Leu?. V. Te fair, take the ce/lus, and praffife its art; The mind unaccomplijtfd, mere features are vain* Exert your fweet pozu'r, you will conquer each heart* And the loves, joys* and graces, fa all walk in your train. LOVE. My poetry is infinitely oblig'd to you, for the etnbellilhments your voice and manner con- fer upon it. Mrs. BELL. O fulfome ! I fing horridly, and I look horridly ; (goes to the glafi} How do I look, my Lord ? but don't tell me, I won't be told. I fee you are ftudying a compliment, and I hate compliments ; well, what is it ? let's hear your compliment why don't you compliment me ? [ won't hear it now. But pray now how came you to choofe fo grave a fubjeft as connubial happi- jiefs ? , LOVE. Clofe and particular that queftion. (Afide.} Mrs. BELL. Welt upon my word you have drawn your picture fo well in this little long, that one would imagine you had a wife at home to fit for it. LOVE. Ma'am, (embarrafs'd) the compliment, - a you are but laughing at me; I I I Zounsj I am afraid me begins to fmoke me, (Afide^] A very fcanty knowledge of the world willferve: and and there is no need of one's own experience in thefe cafes: and when you, Madam, are the ori- ginal, it is no wonder that this copy- Mrs. BELL. O lard, you are going to plague me again with your odious follicitations, but I won't hear 'em ; you muft be gone. If I fhould be 4 weak 62 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. weak enough to liften to you, what would become of Sir Brilliant Fafhion ? LOVE. Sir Brilliant Fafhion ! Mrs. BELL. Yes, don't you know Sir Brilliant Fafhion ? LOVE. No, Ma'am, I don't know the gentle- man : 1 beg pardon if he is your acquaintance, but from what I have heard of him, I fhould not chufe him to be among my intimates. Enter M1GNIONET/** violent hurry. MIGN. O lud! I am frighted out of my fenfes, The poor lady. Where's the hartfhorn-drops? LOVE. The lady! What lady ? MIGN. Never ftand afking what lady, fhe has fainted away, Ma'am, all of a fudden. Give me the drops. Mrs. BELL. Let me run to her afiiftance. Adieu, my Lord. I (hall be at ho-ne in the evening-, Mignionet, (rep this way. My Lord, you'll excufe me ; I expect you in the evening. (Exit.) LOVE. I (hall wait on you, Ma'am. What a vil- lain am 1 to carry on this fcheme, againfl fo much beauty, innocence, and merit ? Ay, and to have the impudence to aflume this badge of honour, to cover the moft unwarrantable purpofes! But no re- flection ; have her I muft, and that quickly too. If I don't prevail foon, I am undone She'll find me out : egad, I'll be with her betimes this evening, and prefs her with all the vehemence of love. r Wo- men have their foft, unguarded moments, and who knows ? But to take the advantage of the opennefs and gaiety of her heart! And then my friend Sir Brilliant, will it be fair to fupplant him ? Prithee bequiet, my dear confcience; don't you be meddling; don't you interrupt a gentleman in his amufements. Don't you know, my good friend, that love has no relpect of a perfons, knows no laws of friendfhip; be- THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. fj befides, 'tis all my wife's fault why don't fhe ftrivc to make home agreeable ? For foreign pleafures, foreign joy, Iroam 9 No thought of peace or happinefs at home. (Going.) (Sir Brilliant is heard finging within) What the devil is Madam Fortune at now? Sir Brilliant, by all that's odious! No place to conceal in! No efcape! ihe door is locked! Mignioner, Mignionet, open the door. MIGN. (within.) You can't come in here, Sir. LOVE. This curfed ftar, and this ribband, will ruin me. Let me get off this confounded tell-tale evidence (takes -ff the ribband in a hurry.) Enter Sir B R I L L I A N T. Sir B*IL. My dear Madam, I molt heartily re- joice Ha I Love.nore ! LOVE. Your (lave, Sir Brilliant, your flave, (Hid- ing the ftar with his hat.} Sir BRIL How is this? I did not think you had been acquainted here ! LOVE. I came to look for you,- I thought to have found you here; and fo I have fcrap'd an ac~ quaimance with the lady, and made it fubfervient to your purpofcs. I have been giving a great cha- racter of you. Sir BRIL. Well, but what's the matter?. What are you fumbling about ? (pulls the hat.) LOVE. 'Sdeath have a care ! for heaven's fake (crams his handkerchief there.) Sir BRIL. What the devil ails you ? LOVE. Taken fo unaccountably, my old com- plaint Sir Brilliant, yours. Sir BRIL. Zouns, Man, you had beft fit down. LOVE. Here's a bufmefs, (afide.) pray let me pafs ; my old complaint. r Sir BRIL. What complaint ? LOVE. 6 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. LOVE. I muft have a furgeon, occafioned by the? ftroke of a tennis-ball -, my Lord Rackett's un- lucky left hand: Let me pafs, there is certainly fomething forming there, let me pafs. To be caught is the devil! (ajide.) Don't name my name, you'll ruin all that I faid for you, if you do. Sir Brilliant, your fervant. There is certainly fome- thing forming. (Exit.) Sir BRIL. What can this mean? I muft have this explain'd. -Then Mrs. Lovemore's fufpicions are right; I muft come at the bottom of it. Ay, ay j there is fomething forming here ! Enter Mrs. BELLMOUR. Sir BRIL. My dear Mrs. Bellmour. Mrs. BELL. Heaven's! What brings you here? Sir BRIL. I congratulate with myfelf upon the felicity of meeting you thus at home. Mrs. BELL. Your vifit is unfeafonable, you muft be gone. Sir BRIL. Madam, 1 have a thoufand things. Mrs. BELL. Well, well, another time. Sir BRIL. Of the tendered import. Mrs. BELL. I can't hear you now, fly this mo- ment : 1 have a lady taken ill in the next room. Sir BRIL. Ay, and you have had a gentleman taken ill here too. Mrs. BELL. Do you difpute my will and pleafure; fly this inftant, (turns him out.) So I'll make fure of the door. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE, leaning on M I G- NIONET. MIGN. This way, Madam, here's more air in this room. Mrs. BELL. How do you find yourfelf, Ma'am? Pray fit down. Mrs* THE WAY TO KEEP HTM. 6 5 Mrs. LOVE. My fpirits were too weak to bear up any longer, againil fuch a fccne of Villainy. Mrs. BELL. Villainy J What villainy ! Mrs. LOVE. Of the blacked: dye! I fee, Ma- dam, you arc acquainted with my hufband. Mrs. BELL. Acquainted with your hufband! (##- ffrily.) Mrs. LOVE. A moment's patience, That gentle- man that was here with you is my hufband. Mrs. BELL. Lord Etheridge ybur hufoand ! Mrs. LOVE. Lord Etheridge, as he calls himfelf, and as you have been made to call him allb, is no other than Mr. Lovemore. Mrs. BELL. And has he then been bafe enough to aflume that title, to enfnare me to my undoing? MIGN. Well, for certain, I believe the devil's in, me ; I always thought him a fly one. Mrs. LOVE. To fee my hufband carrying on this dark bufinefs, to fee the man I have loved, the man I have efteemed, the man, I am afraid, I muft flill love, tho' efteem him again I cannot, to be a witnefs to his complicated wickednefs, it was too much for fenfibiiity like mine, I ielt the mock too feverely, and funk under it. Mrs. BELL. I am ready to do the fame myfelf now. I fink into the very ground with amazement. The firft time I ever faw him was at old Mrs. Love- it's, flic introduced him to me the appointment was of her own making. Mrs. LOVE. You know her character, I fuppofe, Madam. Mrs. BELL. She's a woman of fafhion, and fees a great deal of good company. Mrs. LOVE. Very capable of fuch an action for all that. Mrs. BELL. Well, I cou'd never have imagined that any woman wou'd be fo bafe as to pafs fuch a cheat upon me. Step this moment, and give orders K never 66 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. never to lee him within my doors again. (To her maid who goes out.) I am much oblig'd to you, Ma'am, for this vifit. To me ic is highly fortunate; but I am forry for your fhare in't, as the difcovery brings you nothing but a conviction of your hufband T s- bafenefs. Mrs. LOVE. lam determin'd to be no farther un- eafy about him, nor will I live a day longer under his roof. Mrs. BELL. Hold, hold, make no violent refc lutions. You'll excufe me I cant help feeling for you, and I think this incident may be ftill converted to your advantage. Mrs. LOVE. That can never be, I am loft be- yond redemption, Mrs. BELL. Don't decide that too ramly Come, . come, a man is worth thinking a little about, before one throws the hideous thing away for ever. Be- fides, you have heard his fentiments. Perhaps you are a little to blame yourfelf . We will talk this mat- ter over coolly. Ma'am, you have fav'd me, and I muft now difcharge the obligation. You fhall ftay and drink tea with me. Mrs. LOVE. I can't pofllbly do that, I won't give you fo much trouble. Mrs. BELL. It will be a pleafure, Ma'am, you fhall ftay with me, I will not part with you, and I will lay fuch a plan as may enfure him yours for ever. Come, come, my dear Madam, don't you ftill think he has fome good qualities to apologize for his vices ? Mrs. LOVE. I muft own, I ftill hope he has. Mrs. BELL. Very weil then, and he may ftill make atonement for all -, and let me tell you, that a man whocan make properatonement for his faults mould not be entirely defpis'd Allons ! [Exeunt. End of tbe Vbird Att. ACT THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 67 ^ # % ACT IV. SCENE, at the Widow BELLMOUR's. Enter WILLIAM and MIGNIONET. WILLIAM. UT I tell you, Mrs. Mignionet MIGN. But I tell you, Mr. Brazen, he is not here There is nobody at home ; fo rid the houfe, do; you have no bufinefs here. WIL. Nay, don't be in a paflion ; did not you hear my Lord give me his orders to come for him ? MIGN. Well, it does not fignify , he has been gone this good-while ; a fine Lord truly ! - WIL. So he is indeed, Mrs. Mignionet ; and very ungrateful you have both been, you and your Lady, to behave in this' manner to peribns of our dignity. MIGN. Very well; may be fo; but decamp with your dignity, do ; follow my Lord, march. WIL. Ay! I am going; adieu, Mrs. Mignioner, adieu ! Don't you cry ; - don't let me Ite your tears I have not fo much Mint about my heart as I thought Upon my foul I pity thee ; I do indeed, Child MIGN. Well! No more of your nonfenfe, but turn upon your rogue's heel, and rid the houfe. WIL. We intended very handfomely by you both ; we did, I affure you ; If we had liked ye upon trial, I do in my confcience believe we mould have taken ye both into keeping. MIGN. Don't be vulgar, Mr. Impertinent. K 2 WIL. 68 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. WIL. It is my real opinion we fliould have done it our ufual way indeed is, if we fee a woman we like, " a fine creature that ! fhape, very well ! " air, good !~ an eye too !- upon my foul, a deli- " cate, melting, flcepy eye !" Oh ! darts and flames , we are all on fire , u Have fome com- " paflion thou angel of thy fex, upon a poor dying " iwain that long has What would the man be at? cr the Man in Love with ti> cwn Wife." Sir BASH. Well, and what do you fee to laugh at there ? SIDE. Lord blefs me, Sir! I have lived in a great many families, and I never hrard of the like before Ha! ha! Sir BASH. Look'e there now ! Sirrah ! leave the room and Itt me never find that you have the trick of liftening at any of my doors. SIDE. No, Sir To be fure, your Honour what is he at now ? (Exit.} Sir BASH, (alone.} Wounds! I mail be laught at by my own fervants ! But no more fcruples, pafs that by : I'll finifh my letter. But then, if I (hould get into a comedy for my pains ! No, no; I'll run away into the country with her, to avoid the farcafms of the malicious world. It fhall be fo, and fo I'll e'en conclude There, there I'll fcal it up directly. Sideboard, Sideboard! Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir BASH. (Scaling the letter.} I have open'd my whole heart to her why does not this fellow come? Sideboard ! SIDE. Here am I, Sir? Sir BASH. What do you take your hat and flick for ? SIDE. To po out with your Honour's letter. Sir BASH. You have ngt far to go- take it and 4 bring THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 7 $ biing me an anfwer and do you hear ? Take care that nobody fees you SIDE. I warrant you, Sir. [Exit*, Sir BASH. ' I feel as if a load was off my brtaft j and yet I fear, but I am embarked, and fo muft wait the event. Enter SIDEBOARD, Sir BASH. Return'd already, Sideboard ? what* is (he not at home ? SIDE. I can't fay, Sir-, a word or two by way of direction wiil not be amifs Sir BASH. Blockhead ! have not I directed it? (Takes the Letter.} SIDE. I could never have fufpe&ed him of an intrigue. (Afide.} S;rBASH. There again now! If I direct it, this hound will be upon the trail of a fecret- (afide.) You may go about your bufintfs, Sideboard, I don't want you SIDE. Very well, Sir; -If he does not let me manage his intrigues for him I mall give him warn- ing. [#// Sir BASH. What muft be done? Lovemore fhall do it Ha ! Sideboard coming again ! No; it is not he ^Ha ! Mr. Lovemore I am glad to fee you Enter LOVEMORE. LOVE. You fee me here this fecond time to-day, entirely on the fcore of friendfhip. Sir BASH. I thank you, Mr. Lovemore, heartily thank you LOVE. "JVelS, and how does my lady? Sir BASH. We don't hit it at all, Mr. Lovemore LOVE. No ! Sir BASH. I think (he has been rather worfe Cnce you fpoke to her. L 2 LOVE. 7 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. LOVE. A good fymptom that! (AJide.) Sir BASH. Not a word of the buckles, tho* (he has received them obftinate as a mule! She flill talks of parting and fo, to prevent extremities, I have even thought of explaining myfelf to her LOVE. What acquaint her with your pafllon ! Sir BASH. Ay ! and truft to her honour. I have \vrote her a lecter here it is figned and fealed but then it is not directed I got into a puzzle about that ; my fervant, you know, would wonder at my writing to her. LOVE. So he would. Sir BASH. Yes, he would have fmoak*d me-, but you are come moft opportune; you lhall direct, and fend it to her. LOVE. I'll take it home with me, and fend it from my houfe to-morrow morning. Sir BASH. No, no; now directly, now. LOVE. You had better let me go and fpeak to her, and don't give any thing under you hand. Sir BASH. That won't do; (he'll fend a verbal anfwer ; now in this way, if I can draw a letter from her, I (hall have her bound down; it muft be fo LOVE. Better take a little time to confiderof it Sir BASH. No, no; I cant defer it one moment ; Not one moment it burns like a fire here you muft be my friend fit down ; fit down and direct ic. Eater SIDEBOARD. SIDE. Sir Brilliant Famion, Sir, is below. LOVE. 'Sdeath he muft not come up , run to him, talk to him, amufe him, any thing rather than let him interrupt us. Sir Bam. No ; he (han't come up. LOVE. You lofe time, away -, and don't let him know THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 77 know that I am here fly, Sir Balhful, fly (Shoves him out.) LOVE, (alone.') A lucky accident this ! I have gained time by it. Matters were in a fine train, and he himfelr levelling the road for me, and now, if this takes, I am blown up in the air at once Some unlucky plannet rules to-day ; firft the widow Bell- mour, and now this will-o'the-wifp ! -- what ia the name of wonder has he wrote ? (Going to open the Letter.) But will that be delicate ? will that be like a gentleman? will it be honourable ? Honour has always a great deal to preach on thefe occafions But then muft I lofe the dear delight Oh ! the pafiions need fay but a word, and their bufmefs is done. Friendfhip and wafer by your leave (breaks it open and reads.) this muft not be I'll write ano- ther letter from myfelf (Sits down to write.) What the devil ihall I fay ? Any thing will do (Writts andftarts up as if frightened.) There is no body coming (writes and mutters to himfelf.) Touched my heart Hem! very well! Long adored, very well! Kind return. very well ! Hufoand very well ! Inhumanity >, Hem! < Tendernefs, Hem! Youryfo- cereft admirer very well! Lovemore what have I wrote? let me fee (Reads fait.) " Why Jhould I 44 conceal, my dear Madam, that your charms have " touched my heart ? I long have loved you ; long " adored. Could I but flatter my f elf with the leaji " kind return, I Jhould be the happieft of mankind, 41 let me perfuade you to the fweeteft revenge againft a hujband, whofe inhumanity is beyond enduring. Every motive prompts you to it ; and at the fame lime you will enjoy the fecret pleafure of rewarding " the tendernefs of your fincereji admirer. LOVEMORE-." This will do ! let me feal it Soft ! I muft add a poftfcript - (writes, and then reads very fa/}. ) ft* *' " 7-8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM *' Tou need fend no other anfwer but it's very well 44 andyou'llconfiderofit."- -There, there, make hafte, let me feal it up. (Seals if in a hurry.) Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Well! have you fent it ? LOVE. Your Servant has not been here, and I am juft writing the direction - Sir BASH. Who waits there? Sideboard] I have got rid of Sir Brilliant, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I am glad of it. Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir BASH. Here, Sirrah ! Mr. Lovemore, wants you. LOVE. Mafler Sideboard, you muft ftep to your lady with this. Sir BASH. Charming ! charming ! Take it up flairs directly. SIDE. Upftairs, Sir! My lady is in the next room. Sir BASH. Take it to her then; make hafte; begone (Exit Sideboard.) I hope this will fucceed, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. 1 hope it will. Sir BASH. 1 mall for ever be obliged to you, and fo will my lady. LOVE. I dare fay (he won't prove ungrateful. Sir BASH. I mould like to fee how (he receives ; t . the door is conveniently open ; I'll have a peep (goes en tip-toe) there, there Ihe fits, LOVE. Methinks I Ihould like to obferve her too, Sir BASH. Hum no noife. She has got it; .1 am frightened out of my wits. LOVE. Silence! not a word. She opens it; Now my dear boy Cupid, incline her heart. (Afide^) Sir BASH. She colours ! LOVE. I like that rifing blufh a tender token that! Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 79 Sir BASH. She turns pale ! L OE. The natural working of the pafllons. Sir BASH. And now (he reddens again ! Death and fury ! She tears the letter ! 1 am undone (Walks away from the door.) JLovE. She has flung it from her with indigna- tion I am undone too (Goes from the door.) Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, you fee what it is all come to! LOVE. I am forry to fee it come to this indeed. Sir BASH. An arrogant ungrateful woman ! LOVE. Ungrateful indeed ! to make iuch a re- turn to fo kind a letter ! Sir BASH. Ay ! fo kind a letter! LOVE. So full of the tendereft proteftations I Sir BASH. Made with the greateft opennefs of heart! throwing one's-felf at her very feet; and then to be fpurned, kicked, and treated like a puppy. LOVE. There it flings like a puppy indeed Sir BASH. Did (he once fmile? Was there the fainteft gleam of approbation in her countenance? LOVE. Repaid it all with contempt, with fcorn, and indignation. - Sir BASH. I cannot bear it; My dear Mr. Love- more, do you know in nature a thing fo mortifying, fo galling to the pride of man, as to find himfelf rejected and defpifed where he has offered up his heart ? LOVE. Oh! Tis the damn'deft thing in the world a fine fcrape I have got into here (Afide.) Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I am heartily obliged to you, for taking this matter fo much to heart. LOVE. I take it more to hearr, than you are aware of, I afTure'you. Sir BASH. You are kind indeed ; I am forever obliged to you This is enough to make a man a- fhamed all the reft of his life. Enter 80 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Enter Sir B R I L L I A N T. Sir BRIL. SirBafhrul! Sir Bafhful ! I forgot to tell you Hey ! Lovemore here ! Sir BASH. What brings him here again ? thofe blockeads of Servants to let him in (Afide.} Sir BRIL. I have a crow to pluck with you, Love- rriore. LOVE. Well ! well ! another time. He hunts me up and down, as the vice did the devil, wich a dagger of lath in the old comedy (Aftde.} Sir BRIL. Upon my foul, you both look very queer upon it-, Lovemore is borrowing money of you, I fuppofe, Sir Bafhful and you can't agree about the premium. Come, come, let him have it he is a very honeft fellow Still out of humour ! Well ! as you will You have not the fame rea- fon to be in harmony with yourfelves, that I have Here, here; I came backon purpofe to tell you. See here, my boys, what a prefent has been made me -, (Takes ajhagreen cafe out of his pocket.} a mag- nificent pair of diamond buckles, by Jupiter! Sir BASH. A pair of diamond buckles ! Sir BRIL. A pair of diamond buckles, Sir! How fuch a thing mould be fent to me I can't conceive; they were left at my houfe by a country-looking fellow -, he would not fay where he came from, but he left them in charge to be delivered to me. The confequence of having fome tolerable phrafe, a perfon and being attentive to the fer- vice of the ladies. Sir BASH. And this was fent as a prefent to you? Sir BHIL. Ay ; as a prefent; do you envy me ? Sir BASH. I can't but fay I do My buckles, Lovemore, by all that's falfe in woman, (dfide.} LOVE. He is the happy man, I fee (/IJide.) Sir BRIL. Both burning with envy, by Jupiter ! Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 8r Sir BASH. But may not this be from a lady, whd imagines you fent them to her, and fo chufes to re- ject your prcfcnt ? Sir BRIL. No, no; No fuch thing Ha! ha I -^-Ladies do not rejeft prefents, my dear Sir BaQv* ful, from men who are agreeable in their eyes. Sir BASH* So I believe i-^-what a jade it is ! (4/Mej SirBRiL. Had I fent them, they would never 1 have been returned. Sir BASH. And pray now, Sir Brilliant^ I fuppofe you expert to have this lady ? Sir BRIL. This is the fore-runner of it, I think-*-- Ha ! ha ! Sir Bafhful Lovemore ! this it is to be in luck. Ha ! ha ! (laughs at them botb.} Lov^ 2 "' } Ha! ha! -a charming creature, and bleffings on her for fo con- venient a hint, Ihe yields, by all that's wicked ! What fhall I fay to overwhelm her fenfes in a flood ofnonfenfe? (Afide.) Go my bear Ps envoys, tender ftghs make hajie, Still drink delicious poifon from thy eye> Raptures and paradife Pant on thy ///?, and to thy heart bepreffd. (forcing her all this time.) Enter Mr. LOVEMORE. LOVE. Zoons, this is too much. Sir BRIL. What the devil's the matter now ? (Kneels down to buckle bis Jhoe.) This confounded buckle is always plaguing me. My dear boy, Lovemore, I rejoice to fee thee, (They ft and looking at each other.) LOVE. And have you the confidence to look me in the face ? Sir BRIL. I was telling your lady here, of the moft whimfical adventure LOVE. Don't add the meannefs of falfhood, to the black attempt of invading your friend's happinefs. I did imagine, Sir, from the long intercourfe that has fubfilted between us, that you might have had delicacy enough, feeling enough, honour enough, Sir, not to meditate an injury like this. Sir BRIL. Ay, ay, it's all over, I'm detected (Afidt.) Mr. Lovemore, if begging your pardon for this rafhnels will any ways atone LOVE. No, Sir, nothing can atone. The pro- vocation you have given me, would juftify, my drawing upon you this inftant, did not that lady and this roof protect you. Sir BRIL. But, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM, tf LOVE. Bur, Sir Sir BRIL. I only beg- LOVE. Pray Sir, Sir, I infift I won't hear a word Sir BRIL. I declare upon my honour - LOVE. Honour ! for fhame, Sir Brilliant, don'e ufe the word. Sir BRIL. If begging pardon of that lady LOVE. That lady ! -I defire you will never fpeak to that lady. Sir BRIL. Nay, but prithee, Lovemore LOVE. Po ! Po ! don'c tell me, Sir (walks about in Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Did not I hear loud words among you ? I certainly d:d What are you quarelling about? LOVE. Read thar, Sir Baflrul (Gives him Sir Bril lianfs Letter.} Read that, and judge if I have not caufe (Sir Bajhful reads to himfelf.) Sir BRIL. Hear but what 1 have to fay - LOVE. No, Sir, no; I have done with you far the prefent as for you, Madam* I am fatisfied with your conduft I was indeed a little alarmed, but I have been a witnefs of your behaviour, and I am above harbouring low fufpicions - Sir BASH. Upon my wordy Mr. Lovemore, this is carrying the jeft to far LOVE. Sir ! It is the bafeft thing a gentleman can be guilty of -- Sir BASH. Why fo I think. Sir Brilliant, (To him afids.} here take this letter, and read it to him his own letter to my wife (/Ifide.} Sir BRIL. Let me have it (Afide.} (fakes the letter.} Sir BASH. 'Tis indeed as you fay.tl-.r worft thing a gentleman can be guilty of. LOVE. 'Tis an unparalleled breach of friendfhip. Sir BRIL. Well, 1 can'c lee any thing fo unparal- O leled 98 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. leled in it I believe it will not be found to be without a precedent as for example (Reads.} ' To My Lady Conftant e Why jhould I conceal r , my dear Madam, that your " charms have tcuched my heart?" LOVE, (in amaze.) Zoons ! my letter (4/tde.) " / long have lov'd you, long adored. Could 1 lut " flatter myfelf" (Lovemore -walks about uneafy ; Sir Brilliant follows him.) Sir BASH. There, Mr. Lovemore, the bafeft thing a man can be guilty of! SirBRiL. (Reads.} " Could I lut flatter myfelf " witb the haft kind return." LOVE. Confufion ! Let me fcize the letter out of his hand. (Snatches it from him.} Sir BASH. The bafeft thing a man can be guilty of, Mr. Lovemore ! LOVE. All a forgery, Sir ; all a forgery. Sir BASH. That I deny j it is the very identical letter my lady threw away with fuch indignation My lady Conftant, how have I wrong'd you ! That was the caufe of your taking it fo much to heart, Mr. Lovemore, was it? LOVE. A mere contrivance to palliate his guilt. SirBRiL. Ha! ha! my dear Lovemore, I fnp- pofe you have been at this work with the widow Bellmour too. LOVE. The widow Bellmour ! I never faw her but once in my life, and then itwastoferveyon,Sir. Sir BRII.. Are you fure of that ? LOVE. Po ! Po ! I wcn't ftay a moment longer among ye I'll go into another room, to avoid ye all I knowlittleor nothing of the widow Bellmour, Sir, (opens the ftage door.) Hell and deftruction ! what fiend is conjured up here ! Zoons ! let me make my efcape out of the houfe (Rum acrofi the ft age to the opp&ftte door.} Mrs. LOVE. I'll lecure this door You muft not go, my dear. LOVE. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 99 LOVE. S'death, Madam, let me pafs. Mrs. LOVE. Nay, you mall Hay, I want to in- troduce an acquaintance of mine to you. LOVE. I defire, Madam Enter Mrs. BELLMOUR. Mrs. BELL. My Lord, my lord Etheridge ; I am heartily glad to fee your lordfhip (Taking hold of him.} Mrs. LOVE. Do, my dear, let me introduce this lady to you (Turning him to her.) LOVE. Here's the devil and all to do ! (Afide.) Mrs. BELL. My Lord, this is the moft fortunate encounter LOVE. I wiih I was fifty miles off. (Afide^} Mrs. LOVE. Mrs. Bellmour, give me leave to in- troduce Mr. Lovemore to you (Turning him to her.) Mrs. BELL. No, my dear Ma'am, let me intro- duce lord Etheridge to you (Pulling him.) My Lord Sir BRIL. In the name of wonder, what is all this? Sir BASH. Wounds ! is this another of his in- trigues blown up ? Mrs. LOVE. My dear Ma?am, you're miftaken? this is my hufband. Mrs. BELL. Pardon me, Ma/am, '.is my lord Etheridge. Mrs. LOVE. My dear, how can you be fo ill-bred in your own houfe ? -Mrs. Bellmour, this is Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. Are you going to tofs me in a blanket, Madam? call up the reitof your people, if you are. Mrs. BELL. Pfliaw ! Prithee now, my Lord, leave off your humours; Mrs. Lovemore, this is my lord Etheridge, a lover of mine, who has made propofals of marriage to me. LOVE. Confufion ! lee me get rid of thsfe two furies (Breaks away from them.) Oa Sir ioo THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. He has been tampering here too, has he ? Mrs. BELL, (follows him.} My Lord I fay ! my Jord Etheridge ! -won't your lordfhip know me? LOVE. This is the moft damnable acc.dent! (Afide.) Mrs. BELL* I hope your lordfhip has not forgot your appointment at my houfe this evening. LOVE. Ay, now my turn is come. (Afide.} Mrs. BELL. Prithee, my Lord, what have I done, that you treat me with this coldnefs ? Come, come, you fhall have a wife, I will take compaflion on you. LOVE. Damnation! I can't ftand this. ( Afide.) Sir BASH. Murder will out murder wiU out Mrs. BELL. Come, cheer up, my Lord ; What the duce, your drefs is alter'd ! -What's become of the ftar and the ribband ? And fo the gay, the florid, the magnifique lord Etheridge, dwindles down into plain Mr. Lovemore, the married man! Mr. Lovemore, your moft obedient, very humble fervant, Sir. LOVE. 1 can't bear to feel myfelf in fo ridiculous a circumftance. (AJide.) Sir BASH. He has been pafling himfelf for a lord ; has he? Mrs. BELL. 1 beg my compliments to your friend Mrs. Loveit ; and I am much oblig'd to you both for your very honourable: defigns (Curtefying to him.} LOVE* I was never fo afham'd in all my life ! Sir BRIL. So, fo, fo, all his pains were to hide the ftar from me. This difcovery is a perfect cordial to my dejected fpirits. Mrs. BELL. Mrs. Lovemore, I cannot fufficient- Jy acknowledge the providence that directed you to pay me a vifit, tho' I was wholly unknown to you , and I fhall henceforth confider ou as m deliverer.' THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 10, LOVE. Zoons ; it was flie that fainted away in the clofet, and be damn'd to her jealoufy. (Afide.} Sir BRIL. By all that's whimfical, an odd fort of an adventure this My Lord, (advances to him.) my Lord, my lord Etheridge, as the man fays in the play, " Your lordfhip's right welcome back to Denmark." LOVE. Now he comes upon me. Oh ! I'm in a fine fituation. (Afide.} Sir BRIL. My Lord, I hope that ugly pain in your lordfhip's fide is abated. LOVE. Abfurd, and ridiculous. (djide.) Sir BRIL. There is nothing forming there I hope, my Lord. LOVE. Damnation! I can't bear all this Po! po I No more, Sir Brilliant, don't tell me (goes toward the door in the back f eerie.) Here is another fiend I am befet with them Enter Lady CONSTANT. LOVE. No way for an efcape * (attempts both ft age doors, and is prevented.} Lady CON. Mr. Lovemore, it is the luckiefl thing in the world, that you are come home LOVE. Ay, it's all over Tell the fheriffs offi- cers, I am ready , Lady CON. I have loft every thing I play'd for ; quite broke; four by honours againft me, every time Do, Mr. Lovemore, lend me another hun- dred. LOVE. I would give a hundred pound you were all in Nova Scotia. Lady CON. Nay, then take the reft of your mo- ney ; I will have nothing to do with it Sir BASH. Zookers, that money Oh ! I am go- ing to blab - Lady 102 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Lady CON. There, Sir, I defpife it and the in- tention with which it was offered (throws the notes lo bim.} LOVE, (picking them up.} This will plague Sir Bafhful however. (Afide.) Lady CON. Mrs. Lovemore, let me tell you, you are married to the falfeft man , he has deceived me ftrangcly. Mrs. LOVE. I begin to feel for him, and to pity his uneafinefs. Mrs. BELL. Never talk of pity , let him be pro- bed to the quick. Sir BASH. The cafe is pretty plain, I think now, Sir Brilliant. Sir BRIL. Pretty plain, upon my fou! Ha ! ha ! LOVE. I'll turn the tables upon Sir Bafhful, for all this (Takes Sir Bajhful's letter out of his pocket.} where is the mighty harm now, in this letter ? Sir BASH. Where is the harm ? LOVE. (Reads.} " / cannot , my dcarefl life, any * linger behold Sir BASH. Shame and confufion ! I am undone. ' (Jfide.) LOVE. Hear this, Sir Bafhful" fbc manifold f c vexations, of which thro' a falfe prejudice I am my- you fill her mind with ilrange fuipicions, and fo Sir JOHN. Sufp : cions, Robert ! ROB. Yes, Sir; ftrange fufpicions ! My lady finds herfelf treated with no degree of tender- nefs ; me infers that' your inclinations are fixed elfewhere, and fo me is become you will par- don my blunt honelty me is become downright jealous, as jealous as yourielf, Sir. Sir JOHN. Oh ! Robert, you are little read in the arts of women ; you little know the intrica- cies of their conduct ; the mazes thro' which they walk, miffing, turning, winding, running into devious paths, but tending all thro' a luby- B 2 rinth 4 ALL IN THE WRONG. rinth to the temple of Venus ; you cannot fee, Robert, that all her pretences to fufpect me of infidelity are merely a counter- plot to cover her own looie defigns j 'tis but a gauze-covering, tho' it is feen thro' and only ferves to fhew her guilt the more. ROB. Upon my word, Sir John, I cannot fee Sir JOHN. No, Robert ; I know you can't her fufpicions of me all make againfl her ; they are but female ftratagems, and yet it is but too true that ihe ilill is near my heart. Oh ! Robert, Robert, when I have watched her at a play, or elfewhere, when I have counted her oglings, and her whifperings, her ftolen glances, and her artful leer, with the cunning of herfex, (he has pretended to be as watchful of me Difiembling, falfe, deceitful woman ! ROB, And yet, I dare allure you- Sir JOHN. No more , I am not to be deceived ; I know her thoroughly, and now, now has not fhe efcaped out of my houfe, evtn now ? ROB. But with no bad design. Sir JOHN. I am the bell judge of that which way did fhe go ? ROB. Acrefs the Park, Sir that way, Sir towards the Horfe- guards Sir JOHN. Towards the Horfe- guards ! there, there, there the thing is evident ; you may go in, Robert. ROB. Indeed, Sir, I Sir JOHN. Go in, I fay ; go in ROB. There is no perfuading him to his own rood - [Exit- Sir JO H N alone. Gone towards the Horfe-guards ! my head ac hes, my forehead burns 1 am cutting my horns ALL IN THE WRONG. 5 horns Gone towards the Horfe-Guards ! I'll purfue her thither ; if I find her,. her ufual arti- fice will fail her the time, the place, will all in- form againft her. Sir John ! Sir John ! you were a madman to marry fuch a woman. [Exit. Enter BEVERLEY and BELLMONT, at oppo/jte Sides. BEV. Ha ! my dear Bellmont BELL. Beverley ! I rejoice to fee you. BEV. Well ! I fuppofe the fame caufe has brought us both into the Park , both come to figh amorous vows in the friendly gloom of yon- der walk ; Belinda keeps a perpetual war of love and grief, and hope and fear in my heart and let me fee (lays his hand on Bellmont 9 s breaft} how fares all here ? I fancy my fitter is a little bufy here BELL. Bufy ! me makes a perfecl riot there not one wink the whole night Oh ! Clarida, ClarifTa ! her form fo animated ! her eyes fo BEV. Prithee! truce , I have not leifure to at- tend to her praife a fitter's praife too ! Faith, the greateft merit I ever could ice in Clarifla is, that me loves you freely and fincerely. BELL. And to be even with you, Sir, your Belinda, upon my foul, notwithstanding all your lavifh praifes, her higheft perfection, in my mind, is her fenfibility to the mt rit of my friend. BEV. Oh ! Bellmont, don't talk prophanely Such a girl ! Scarce can I to heav'n excufe The devotion which 1 ufe Unto that adored dame ; But 6 ALL IN THE WRONG. But, my dear Bellmont, tell me honeftly now, do you think fhe has ever betrayed the leaft regard for me ? BELL. How can you, Beverley, you that have fuch convincing proofs, how can you afk fuch a queftion that uneafmefs of yours, that inqui- etude of mind BEV. Prithee now don't fix that character upon BELL. It is your character, my dear Beverley: and inftead of enjoying the object before yon, you are ever looking back to fomething pail, or conjecturing about fomething to come, and arc your own felf-tormentor. BEV. No, no, no ; don't fay fo ; I hate the very notion of fuch a temper : the thing is, when 3 man loves tenderly as I do, follicitude and anxiety are natural ; and when Belinda's father oppofes my warmed wifhes BELL. Why yes, the good Mr. Blandford is willing to give her in marriage to me. BEV. The fenfelefs old dotard ! BELL. Thank you for the compliment ! and my father, the wife Sir William Bellmont BEV. Is a tyrannical, pofitive, headftrong BELL. There again I thank you But in fhort, the old couple, Belinda's father and mine, have both agreed upon the match, and they inlift upon compliance from their children ; fo that, accord- ing to them, I am to be married off-hand to your miftrefs, and you and your fifter, poor Cla- riflfa, are to be left to Ihift for yourfelves. BEV. Racks and torment ! BELL. Racks and torment! Seas of milk and mips of amber, man ! we are failing to our wifhed ALL IN THE WRONG. 7 wifhed for harbour, in fpite of their machina- tions. I have fettled the whole affair with Cla- rifla. BEV. Have you ? BELL. I have, and to-morrow morning makes me poffeffor of her charms. BEV. My dear boy, give us your hand : and then, thou dear rogue, and then Belinda's mine (Jings) Loll-t oil-loll BELL. Well may you be in raptures, Sir ; for here, here, here they both come Enter BELINDA, and CLARISSA. BEV. Grace was in all her fteps ; heav'n in her eye -, In every gefture, dignity and love. BE LIN. A poetical reception truly ! But can't your pafTion infpire you to a competition of your own Mr. Beverley ? BEV. It infpires me with fentiments, Madam, which I can't find words to exprefs. Sucklin, Waller, Landfdown, and all our dealers in love- verfes, give but a faint image of a heart touched like mine. BELIN. Poor Gentleman ! what a terrible tak- ing you are in ! But if the fonndteers cannot give an image of you, Sir, have you had recourfe to a painter, as you promifed me BEV. I have Belinda, and here, here is the humble portrait of your adorer. BELIN. (Takes the pifture.} Well! there is a likenefs but after all, there is a better painter than this gentleman, whoever he be. BEV. A better ! now me is difcontented (aftde} where, Madam, can a better bs found ? if mo- ney can purchafe him BELIN. >V ALL IN THE WRONG. "*\ ' BELIN. Oh '.-Sir, when he draws for money he never fucceeds But when pure inclination prompts him, then his colouring is warm in- deed He gives a portrait that endears the ori- ginal. BEV. Such an artift is worth the Indies. BELIN. You need not go fo far to feek him he has done your bufmefs already The limner I mean is a certain little blind god, called Love, and he has ftamped fuch an impreffion of you here BEV. Madam, your moft obedient, and I can tell you, that the very fame gentleman has been at work for you too. BELL, (who had been talking apart with Cla- riffa.} Oh! he has had a world of bufmefs upon his hands, for we two have been agreeing what havock he has made with us. CLAR. Yes, but we are but in a kind of fool's paradife here ; all our fchemes are but mere caftb-building, which your father, Mr. Bell-; mont, and my dear Belinda, yours too are moil obftinately determined to defiroy. BELL. Why as you fay, they are determined that I (hall have the honour of Belinda's hand in the country- dance of matrimony. BELIN. Without confidering that I may like anot her partner better BEV. And without confidering that I, forlorn as I am, and my fifter, there who is as well inclined to a matrimonial game of romps as any girl in Chriftendom, muft both of us fit down, and lead apes in hell, infpite of our ftrongeft in- clinations to mingle in the gronpe. BELL. But we have planned our own happi- nels, and with -a little refolution we mall be iuc- cefsful ALL IN THE WRONG. 9 cefsful in the end I warrant ye. ClarifTa, my an- gel, let us take a turn this way, and leave that iove-fick pair to themfelves they are only fit company for each other, and we can find where- withal to entertain ourfelves. CLAR. Ay! let us turn this way. BELIN. What are you going to leave us, Cla- rifia ? CLAR. Only juft fauntering into this fide- walk we fha'nt loft one another. BELIND. Oh ! you are fuch a tender couple- you are not tired I fee of faying pretty foft things to each other. Well! well! take your own way. CLAR. And if I guefs right, you are glad to be left together Belinda. BELIN. Who I ? CLAR. You, my dear BELIN. Not I truly let us walk together. CLAR. No, no, by no means you mall be indulged adieu ! we mail be within call. Exeunt Bellmont and ClarifTa. BELINDA, BEVERLEY. BEV. My filter is frankly in love with Bell- mont I wim Belinda would at as openly to- wards me I wim (he has not a lurking inclina- tion for Bellmont. (Afide.} BELIN. Well, Sir ! Thoughtful ! Oh ! I'll call Mr. Bellmont back, if that is the cafe. BEV. She will call Mr. Bellmont back. (Afide*} BELIN. Well, Sir j am 1 to entertain you, or you me ? BEV. Madam ! BELIN. Madam ! ha ! ha! why you look as C if io ALL IN THE WRONG/ if you were frightened are you afraid of being left alone with me ? BEV. Oh! Belinda, you know that is the hap- pinefs of my life; but BELIN. But what, Sir? BEV. I am afraid I have done fomething to offend you. BELIN. ToofFendme! : BEV. Yes, Belinda -, I fhould have been of the party lad night , I own I mould , it was a fuffi- cient inducement for me that you was to be there ; it was my fault, and you I fee are piqued at it. BEL IN. I piqued ! BEV. 1 fee you are -, and you was fo laft night too I have heard it all, and in mere refentment you directed a!l your difcourfe to Mr. Bellmont. BELIN. If I did, it was merely accidental. BEV. No, it was deliberately done ; forgive my ram folly in refufmg the invitation I meant no manner of harm BELIN. Who imagines you did, Sir ? BEV. I beg your pardon, Belinda, you take offence too lightly BELIN. Ha! ha! what have you taken into your head now ? this uneafmefs is of your own making I have taken nothing ill, Sir BEV. You could not but take it ill ; but by all that's amiable about you, I meant not to in- cur your difpleafure forgive that abrupt anfwer I lent I mould have made a handfomer apo- logy. BELIN. Apology! what occafion was there for. any thing more ? you faid you was pre-en- gaged, did not you ? BEV. ALL IN THE WRONG. u BEV. I faid fo ; I own it, and beg your par- don BELIN, Beg my pardon ! for what ? ha! ha! BEV. I only meant BEL IN. Ha! ha! can you think I fee any thing in your mefTage to be offended at, Sir ? BEV. Where you were concerned, I own I mould have expreffed myfelf with more delicacy, than thofe hafty words, I am engaged, and can't waitupon you to-night. I mould have told you that my heart was with you, though necefilty dragged me another way but this omtffion you relent- ed I could learn, fmce, the fpirits you were in the whole evening, though I enjoyed nothing in your abfence I could hear the Tallies of your wit, the fprightlinefs of your conversion, and on whom your eyes were fixed the whole night. BELIN. They were fixed upon Mr. Bellmont, you think ! BEV. Ay ! and fixed with delight upon him ; feemed negociating the bufmefs of love before the whole company. BELIN. Upon my word, Sir, whoever is your author, he has mifinformed you ; and let me tell you, you alarm me with thefe fancies, and you know I have often told you that you are cf too refining a temper you create for yourfelf ima- ginary mifundcrflandings, and then are ever en- tering into explanations I aflure you, Mr. Be- verley, this watching for intelligence, from the fpies and mifreprefenters of converfation, betrays the fymptoms of jealoufy, and I would_ not be married to a jealous man for the world. BEV. Now me is feeking occafion to break off. (aftde.} Jealoufy, Ma'am, can never gtt adnnfiion into my breaft, I am of too generous C i a tem- 12 ALL IN THE WRONG. a temper ; a certain delicacy I own I have ; I value the opinion of my mends, and when th^re are circumftances of a doubtful af- pect, I am glad to fet things in their true light i and furely, Belinda, if I do fo with others, furely with you on whom my happinefs depends to defire a favourable interpretation of my words and actions BE LIN. But thefe little humours may grow up, and gather into the fixed difeafe of jealoufy at lad. (Lady Reftkfs croffes the ft age ^ and rings a bell at the door.} And there now, there goes a lady who is a victim to her own fretful imagina- tion. BEV. Who is the lady pray ? BELIN. My lady Reftkfs , walk this way, and 1 will give you her whole character I am not acquainted with her ladyfhip, but I have heard much of her this way this way [Exeunt Belinda and Severity. Lady RESTLESS (ringing at the door.} What do thefe fervants mean ? there is fome- thing going forward here I will be let in or I will know the reafon why (rings again} but in the mean time, Sir John can let any body he pleafes out at the ftreet-door I'll run up the iteps here, and pbferve. {Exit. TATTLE opens the deer, MARMALET follow; her. TATTLE. Who rung this bell ? I don't fee any body and yet I am fure the bell rung. Well, Mrs. Marmalet, you will be going, I fee. M**-, ALL IN THE WRONG. i$ MAR. Yes, Mrs. Tattle ; I mud be going ; I'll run acrofs the Park, and I (hall foon get to Grofvenor-Square when fhall I fee you at our houfe ? TAT. Oh! the Lord knows when I fhall be able to get out my lady leads us all fuch lives Oh ! I wifh I had fuch another place as you have of it. MAR. Heaven be praifed ! 1 have nothing to complain of. TAT. No, that you have not : Lord ! when fhall I get fuch a gown as that you have on by my lady She will never fling off fuch a thing, and give it to a poor fervant. Worry, worry, worry herfelf, and every body elfe too Re-enter Lady RESTLESS. Lady REST. No , there is nobody ftirring that way what do I fee ? a huffy coming out of my houfe ! MAR. Well, I muft be gone, Mrs. Tattle fare you well Lady REST. She is dizoned out too ! Madam is ! why did not you open the door, Tattle, when I rung ? TAT. I came as foon as pofiible, madam. Lady RE-ST. Who have you with you here ? what is your bufmefs, miftrefs ? \to Marmalet. MAR. My bufmefs, madam ! Lady REST. In confufion too! the cafe is plain you come here after Sir John, I fuppofe MAR. I come after Sir John, madam ! Lady REST. Guilt in her face ! yes, after Sir John ; and Tattle, you are in the plot againft me ; you were favouring her efcape, were you ? TAT, 14 ALL IN THE WRONG. TAT. I favour her efcape, madam ! there is no occafion for that. This is Mrs. Marmalet, madam, an acquaintance of mine, madam, that is come to fee me Lady REST. Oh ! very fine, miftrefs ! you bring your creatures after the vile man, do you ? MAR. I affure you, madam, I am a veryho- neft girl Lady REST. Oh ! I dare fay fo where did you get that gown ? MAR. La! ma'am! I came by it honeftly my lady Conqueft gave it to me I live with my lady Conqueft, madam Lady REST. What a complexion Hie has ! how long have you lived in London ? MAR. Three years, madam. Lady REST. In London three years with that complexion ! it can't be but perhaps Ihe is painted all thefe creatures paint you are all fo many painted dolls (rubs her face with a white handkerchief] no it does not come off fo, Mrs. Tattle, you bring your frelh country girls here to my houfe, do you ? TAT. Upon my credit, ma'am Lady REST. Don't tell me I fee thro' this affair Go you about your bufmefs, miftrefs, and let me never fee you about my doors again go MAR. Lord, ma'am, I fhan't trouble your houfe Mrs. Tattle, a good day here's a deal to do, indeed I have as good a houfe as her's to go to [Exit. Lady REST. There, there, there ;--fee there ; me goe-s off in a huff! the way with them all ay ! I fee how it is, Tattle, you falfe, un- grattful ALL IN THE WRONG. 15 grateful - that gown was never given her by a woman ilie had that from Sir John. Where is Sir John ? TAT. Sir John an't at home, ma'am? Lady REST. Where is he ? - where is he gone ? when did he go out ? - TAT. I really don't know, ma'am Lady REST. Tattle, I know you fib now But I'll fift this to the bottom. I'll write to my lady Conqueft to know the truth about that girl that was here but now. TAT. You will find I told you truth, ma- dam - Lady REST. Very well, Mrs. Pert, I'll go and write this moment, - fend Robert to me to give me an account of his matter Sir John, Sir John, you will diftract me - Re-enter BELINDA and BEVERLEY. BEL IN. Ay ! but that quicknefs, and that extreme fenfibility is what I am afraid of. I po- fitively would not have a jealous hufband for the world - BEV. By heaven ! no earthly circumftance mall ever make me think injurjoufly of you. Jealoufy ! ha ! ha ! it is the moft ridiculous paflion - -ha ! ha ! BELIN. You may laugh, Sir; but I know your over-refining temper too well, and I abfo- lutely will have it in our marriage -articles, that I muft not be plagued with your fufpicions. BEV. I fubforibe, ma'am - BE LIN. I will have no enquiries where I am going to vifit , no following me from place to place ; and if we mould chance to meet> and you mould perceive a man of wit, or a pretty fel- low, 16 ALL IN THE WRONG. low, fpeaking to me, 1 will not have you fidget- ting about on your chair, knitting your brow, and looking at your watch " My dear, is it " not time to go home ? my love, the coach is " waiting :" and then, if you are prevailed upon to flay, I will not have you converfe with a " yes, Sir," and a " no, Sir," for the reft of the evening, and then wrangle with me in the chariot all the way home, and not be commonly civil to me for the reft of the night 1 pofi- lively will have none of this . BEV. Agreed, ma'am, agreed BE LIN. And then you {han't tell me you are going cut of town, and then fneak in privately to the play, or to Ranelagh, merely to be a fpy upon me and I pofitively will admit no curio- lity about my letters if you were to open a let- ter of mine, 1 mould never forgive you I do verily believe, if you were to open my letters I mould hate you BEV. I iubfcribe to every thing you can afk you fhall have what female friends you pleafe 5 loofe your money to whom you pleafe ; dance with what beau you pleafe ; ride out with whom you pleafe , go to what china fhop you pleafe ; and, in mort, do what you pleafe, without my attempting to bribe your footman, or your maid BE LIN. Oh! lud ! Oh! lud ! that is in the very ftrain of jealoufy Heaven deliver me ! there is my father yonder, and Sir William Bell- mont with him Fly this inftant, fly, Mr. Be.- verley, down that walk any where BEV. You promife then BEL IN. Don't talk to me now what would you be at ? 1 am yours, and only yours ; unal- 2 terably ALL IN THE WRONG. 17 terably fo Fly Mr. Beverley, be gone, and leave me BEV. I obey, madam- I am gone* [Exit* BELINDA. Now are they putting their wife heads toge- ther to thwart all my fchemes of happinefs but love, imperious love, will have it otherwife Enter Mr. BLANDFORD, and Sir WILLIAM. Mr. BLAND. Sir William, fmce we hare agreed upon every thing Sir WIL. Why yes, Mr. Blandford, I think every thing is fettled Mr. BLAND. Why then we have only to ac- quaint the young people with our intentions, and 16 conclude the affair Sir WIL. That is all, Sir. Mr. BLAND. As to my girl, I don't mind her nonfenfe about Beverley (he muft do as I will have her. Sir WIL. And my fon too, he muft follow my directions. As to his telling me of his love for Clariffa, it is all a joke to me 'Children muft do as their parents will have them. = Mr. BLAND. Ay ! ay ! fo they muft j and fo they mail hey ! here is my daughter So Be- linda! well, my girl, Sir William and I have agreed, and fo you are to prepare for marriage, that's all BELIN. Marriage with Mr. Beverley, Sir? BLAND. Mr. Beverley ! BELIN. You know you encouraged him your- felf, Sir BLAND. Well, well! I have changed my mind on that head my friend, Sir Williara, here offers D you i8 ALL IN THE WRONG. you his fon do as I would have you have a care, Belinda BELIN. But, Sir BLAND. But, madam, I will be obeyed You don't like him, you fay but I like him and that's fufficient for you Sir WIL. And fo it is, Mr. Blandford ; if my fon pretended to have a will of his own, I fhould let him. know to the contrary BELIN. And can you, Sir William, againft our inclination force us both ? BLAND. Hold your tongue, Belinda; don't provoke me What makes you from home ? go your ways back to Queen's-Square directly, and fettle your mind ; for I tell you once for all I will have my own way. Come, Sir William, we will ftepto the lawyer's chambers. Go home, Belinda, and be obfervant of my commands. Come along, Sir William what did you fay ? you mutiny, do you ? don't provoke me You know, Belinda, I am an odd fort of a man when provok'd Look ye here mind what I fay ; I won't reafon with you about the matter ; my power is abfolute, and if you offer to rebel, you mail have no hufband at all with my con- fent I'll cut you off with a fhilling , I'll fee you ftarve beg an alms live miferable die wretched in fhort, fuffer any calamity without the leaft compaffion from meif I mould find you an undutiful girl at lad fo there's one word for all [Exit. BELIN. What will become of me ? his in- humanity overcomes me quite I can never con- fent the very fight of this picture is enough to forbid it Oh ! Beverley, you are the matter of ALL IN THE WRONG. 19 of my heart I'll 'go this inftant and hea- vens ! I can fcarce move - Enter Sir JOHN. Sir JOHN. No tidings of her far or near BE LIN. How I tremble ! - 1 mail fall no help - Sir JOHN. What do I fee ! a young lady in diftrefs ! BE LIN. Oh ! (faints in his arms, and drops the Sir JOHN. She is fallen into a fit Would my fervants were in the way - Lady RESTLESS (at her Window.} , Lady REST. Where can thre barbarous man be gone to ? - Ha ! - under my very win- dow ! - . Sir JOHN. How cold me is ! quite cold (lays his hand to her cheek. ) Lady REST. How familiar he is with her ! Sir JOHN. And yet me looks beautiful (till Lady REST. Does me fo ? - Sir JOHN. Her eyes open how lovely they look ! - Lady REST. Traitor! Sir JOHN. Her cheek begins to colour- well, young lady, how fare you now ? my dear. Lady REST. My dear, too - BE LIN. Heavens ! where am I ? - In a ftrange gentleman's arms all this time ! Sir JOHN. Repofe yourfelf there, or will you 'flep into my houfe ? Lady REST. No, truly, (han't fhe vile man ! - But 1 will fpoil your iport - 1 will come D 2 down to ALL IN THE WRONG. down to you directly, and flam confufion in your face \Exitfrom above, Sir JOHN. Where do you live, madam ? BELIN. In Queen's-Square, Sir Sir JOHN. I will wait upon you truft your- felf with me you look much better now Lean on my arm there, there, I will conduct you [Exeunt. Enter Lady RESTLESS. Now I'll make one among ye. ha ! fled ! gone ! which way ? is not that he, yonder ? T no he went into my houfe, I dare fay, as I came down flairs Tattle, Tattle, Robert, will nobody anfwer Enter TATTLE. Lady REST. Where is Sir John? TAT. La ! ma'am, how mould I know ? - Lady REST. Did not he go in this moment ? TAT. No, ma'am Lady REST. To be fure you will fay fo I'll follow him thro' the world, or I'll find him out fo ? fo -what is here ? this is her picture, I iiippofe I will make fure of this at leaft this will diicover her to me, tho' me has efcaped now --The cruel, falfe, deceitful man ! {Exit. TAT. Poor lady! I believe her head is turn- ed, for my part. Well ! I am determined I'll look out for another place, that's a fure thing I END OF THE FIRST ACT* ALL IN THE WRONG. 21 ACT II. SCENE in Sir JOHN'S Houfe. Enter Sir JOHN and ROBERT. Sir JOHN. ROBERT, where is your lady ? ROB. In her own room, Sir. Sir JOHN. Any body with her ? ROB. I can't fay, Sir my lady is not well Sir JOHN. Not well ! fatigued with rioting about this town, I fuppofe how long has fhe been at home ? ROB. About an hour, Sir. Sir JOHN. About an hour ! very well, Ro- bert, you may retire (Exit Robert*) now will I queflion her clofely fo fo-^-rfo^ fhe comes, leaning on her maid finely djffembled ! ^finely diflembled ! But this pretended ill- nefs (hall not Ihelter her from my ftrit enquiry -?-Soft a moment ! If I couid overhear what pafies between 'em, it might lead to the truth I'll work by ftratagem Oh | the hypocrite ! how fhe acts her part! [Exit, Enter Lady RESTLESS, and TATTLE. TAT. How are you now, madam ? Lady REST. Somewhat better, Tattle reach that chair 1 attle, tell me honeftly, does that girl live with Lady Conqueft ? TAT. She does, madam, upon my veracity. 22 ALL IN THE WRONG. Lady REST. Very well ! you will be obftinate, I fee, but I (hall know the truth prefently ; I fhall have an anfwer from her ladyfhip, and then all will come out. TAT. You will hear nothing, Ma'am, but what I have told you already. Lady REST. Tattle, Tattle, I took you up in the country in hopes gratitude would make you my friend but you are as bad as the reft of them conceal all you know, do ; it is of very little confequence I now fee through the whole af- fair though it is the picture of a man yet I am not to be deceived I underftand it all. This is fome former gallant the creature gave this to Sir John, as a proof that me had no af- fection for any but himfelf. What art he muft have had to induce her to this ! I have found him out at laft Sir JOHN (peeping in.} Sir JOHN. What does me fay ? Lady REST. I have feen enough to convince me what a man he is the fate of us poor women is hard we all wifh for hufbands, and they are the torments of our lives. TAT. There is too much truth in what you fay, ma'am. Sir JOHN. You join her, do you, Mrs. Ini- quity ? Lady REST. What a pity it is, Tattle, that poor women mould be under feverer reftraints than the men are! Sir JOHN. You repine for want of freedom, do you ? Lady REST. Cruel laws of wedlock ! The tyrant-hufband may triumph in his infidelity, may ALL IN THE WRONG. 23 may fecurely trample upon all laws of decency and order, and it redounds to his credit gives him a fafhionable air of vice, while a poor woman is obliged to fubmit to his cruelty and remains tied to him for life even though fhe has reafon to entertain a mortal hatred for him. Sir JOHN. Oh ! very well argued, madam ! Lady RIST. What a pity it is, Tattle, that we cannot change our hufbands, as we do our ear-rings or our gloves ! Sir JOHN. There is a woman of fpirit ! Lady REST. Tattle ! will you own the truth to me about that girl ? TAT. I really have told you the truth, ma- dam. Lady REST. You won't difcover, I fee very well ! you may go down flairs TAT. I afTure your ladyfhip Lady REST. Go down ftairs TAT. Yes, ma'am. [Exit. Lady REST. Would I had never feen my huf- band's face ! Sir JOHN. I am even with you I have as good wifhes for you, 1 allure you. Lady REST. This picture fcere Qh the bafe man! Sir JOHN. The picture of her gallant, I fup- pofc. Lady REST. This is really a handfome pic- ture what a charming countenance ! It is per- fumed I fancy the fcent is agreeable Sir JOHN. Oh ! the jade, how eagerly (he kifles it ! Lady REST. Why had not I fuch a dear, dear man, inilead of the brute, the ononfter Sir 24 ALL IN THE WRONG. Sir JOHN. Monfter ! She does not mince the matter, but fpeaks plain downright Englifh I muft contain my rage, and fteal upon her me- ditations fo fo fo {Enter on tiptoe. Lady REST. There is no falfhood in this look. Sir JOHN. (Looking over her Jhoulder.} Oh ! what a handfome dog me has chofen for herfelf ! Lady REST. With you, I could be for ever happy Sir JOHN. You could, could you ? (Snatches the figure. Lady REST. (Screams out.} Mercy on me! Oh ! is it you, Sir ? Sir JOHN. Now, madam, now falfe one, have I caught you ? Lady REST. You are come home at laft, I find, Sir. Sir JOHN. My lady Reftlefs, my lady Reftlefs, what can you fay for yourielf now ? Lady REST. What can I fay for myfelf, Sir John ! Sir JOHN. Ay! Madam! this picture Lady REST. Yes, Sir, that picture. Sir JOHN. Will be an evidence Lady REST. Of your fhame Sir John. Sir JOHN. Of my fhame ! 'tis very true what me fays; yes, madam, it will be an evidence of my fhame , 1 feel that but too fenfibly ; but Lady REST. You own it then, do you? Sir JOHN. Own it ! I muft own it, madam ; though confufion cover me, I muft own it ; it is what you have deferved at my hands Lady REST. Idcierve it, Sir John ! but find excufes if you will cruel, cruel man ! to make me ALL IN THE WRONG. 25 me this return at laft 1 cannot bear it -Oh ! oh! (Cries.} Sir JOHN. Oh ! you may weep , but your tears are loft , they will fall without effect I now re- nounce you for ever this picture will juftify me to the wide world -, it will fhew what a bale wo- man you have been. Lady REST. What does the man mean ? Sir JOHN. The picture of your gallant, ma- dam! -the darling of your amorous hours, who gratifies your luxurious appetites abroad, and . Lady REST. Scurrilous wretch ! Oh ! Sir, you are at your old ftratagem I find, recrimi- nation, you think, will ferve your turn. Sir JOHN. It is a pity you know, madam, that a woman mould be tied to a man for life, even though me has a mortal hatred for him. Lady REST. Artful hypocrite ! Sir JOHN. That me can't change her hufband as me does her ear-rings or her gloves. Lady REST. Po ! Sir John, this is your old device, this won't avail you. Sir JOHN. Had the original of this fallen to your lor, you could kifs the picture for ever. Lady REST. Oh! Sir John. Sir JOHN. You can gloat upon it, madam, glue your very lips to it. Lady REST. Shallow artifice ! Sir 'JOHN. With him you could be for ever happy. Lady REST. This is all in vain, Sir John. Sir JOHN. Had luch a dear, dear m?.n fallen to your lot, in ft tad of the brute, the moniter Am 1 a monfter ? 1 am, and you have made me fo the world ihall know your, infamy*- h. Lady 26 ALL IN THE WRONG. Lady REST. Oh! brave it cut, Sir, brave it out to the laft harmlefe, innocent man ! you have nothing to blufh for, nothing to beafhamed of you have no intrigues, no private amours abroad I have not feen any thing, net I Sir JOHN. Madam, I have feen, and 1 how fee your paramour. Lady REST. Oh! that air of confidence will be of great ufe to you, Sir for you have no convenient to meet you under my very window, to loll foftly in your arms Sir JORN. Hey! how! Lady REST. Her arm thrown carelefsly round your neck your hand tenderly applied to her cheek. Sir JOHN. S'death ! that's unlucky me will turn it againft me. (Afide.} Lady REST. Oh ! you are in confufion, are you, Sir ? but why mould you ? you meant no harm " You are fafe with me, my dear will " you ftep into my houfe, my love ?" yes, Sir, you would Tain bring her into my very houfe Sir JOHN. My Lady Reftlefs, this evafion is mean and paultry you beheld a young lady in diftrefs. Lady REST. Oh ! I know it, Sir, and you, tender-hearted man, could carefs her out of meer companion , gaze wantonly on her out of cha- rity, and, out of pure benevolence of difpofition, convey her to fome convenient dwelling Oh ! Sir John, Sir John Sir JOHN. Madam, this well-acted pafllon Lady REST. Don't imagine Ihe has efcaped me, Sir. Sir JOHN. Oh ! you may talk and rave, ma'am; but depend upon it, I mall Iparc no pains to do myfdf ALL IN THE WRONG. 27 myfelf juftice on this occafion nor will I reft till Lady REST. Oh ! fie upon you, Sir John ; thefe artifices Sir JOHN, Nor will I reft, madam, until I have found, by means of this inftrument here in my hand, who your darling is I will go about ftreight ungrateful, treacherous woman! [Exif. Lady REST. Yes, go now, under that pretext, in purfuit of your licentious pleafures. This ever has been his fcheme to cloak his wicked practices abandoned man ! To face me down too, after what my eyes fo plainly beheld I wifli I could wring that fecret out of Tattle I'll ftep to my own room directly, and try by menaces, by wheedling, by fair means, by foul means, by every means, to wreft it from her. [Exif. SCENE changes to the Park. Enter Sir JOHN, and ROBERT after him. Sir JOHN. Come hither, Robert look at this picture ROB. Yes, Sir. Sir JOHN. Let me watch his countenance well ! well ! doft thou know It, Robert ? ROB. 'Tis a mighty handfome picture, Sir Sir JOHN. A handibme picture! {Afide.} ROB. The finell lady in the land need not de- fire a handfomer man, Sir. Sir JOHN. How well he knows the purpofes of it ! well ! well ! honeft Robert, tell me, well who is it ? tell me ROB. Sir! Sir JOHN. You know whofe picture that is E 2 I know 28 ALL IN THE WRONG. I know you do well ! well ! who who who is it ? ROB. Upon my word, Sir, I don't know . Sir JOHN. Not know! but I am convinced you know fo own the t^ich don't be a vil- lain don't ROE. As I am an honeft man, Sir, Sir JOHN. Be an honeft man then, and tell me did you never f-e fuch a fmooth faced, fiery eyed, warm complexioned, taper young fellow here about my houle ? ROB. Never, Sir. Sir. JOHN. Not with my wife ! to drink cho- colate of a morning, tea of an evening come, honeft Robert I'll give you a leafe of a good farm come, what fay you ? a leafe for your life well ! well ! you may take your wife's life into the bargain well ! ROB. Believe me, Sir John, I never faw Sir JOHN. I'll add your child's life come fpeak out your own life, your wife's life, and your child's now ! now ! a leafe for three lives you have now, Robert! ROB. As I hope for mercy I never faw any fuch perfon. Sir JOHN, Robert, Robert, you are bribed by my wife ROB. No, as I am a finner, Sir, Sir JOHN- And the worft of finners you will be, if you are a confederate in this plot againft my peace and honour. Reflect on that Robert. Enter a Footman. FOOT. Pray does not Sir John Reliefs live fomewhere here- about ? Sir JOHN. He does, friend ; what is your bu- fmefs with him ? ALL IN THE WRONG. 29 FOOT. My bufinefs is with his lady Sir JOHN. I gueffed as much. (Afide.) FOOT. I have a letter here for my lady Reft- lefs, Sir, Sir JOHN. A letter for my lady ! from whom, pray? FOOT. From my lord Conqueft. Sir JOHN. My lord Conqueft ! very well, friend you may give the letter to me I am. Sir John Reftlefs that there is my houfe let me have the letter I will take care of it. FOOT. I was ordered to deliver it into my la- dy's own hand. Sir JOHN. The devil you was I muft have the letter I'll buy. it of the rafcal (aJlde^-^-here take this for your trouble, friend, (gives him mo- ney} and I'll take care of the letter FOOT. I humbly thank your honour. [Exit. Sir JOHN. Now now now let me fee what this is now my lady Reftlefs now falfe-one, now (reads.} " Madam, " My lady Conqueft being gone into the coun- try for a few days, I have judged it proper to fend a fpeedy anfwer to yours, and to allure you, for your peace of mind, that you need not entertain the leaft fufpicion of Marmalet, my lady's woman. She has lived fome years in our family, and I know her by experience to be an honeft trufty girl, and one that would not make mifchief between your lady(hip and Sir John. tc I have the honour to be, " Madam, your very humble fervant, * CONQUEST." So! 3 o ALL IN THE WRONG. So ! fo ! fo! Marmalet is a trufty girl !- that will not make mifchief between man and wife ! that is to fay, now that (he will difcover nothing againft my lady Reftlefs! for her peace of mind he lets madam know all this too ! me may go on boldly now ; for my lady Conqueft is gone into the country, Marma- let is trufty, and my lord has given her the moft ipeedy notice Very well ! very well ! proofs thicken upon proofs Shall I go directly and challenge his lordfhip ? no no that won't do Watch him clofely, that will do better If I could have a word in private with the maid Robert, Robert come hither ftep to my lord Conqueft's but with caution proceed En- quire there for Marmalet, the maid. ROB. I know her, Sir. Sir JOHN. He knows her \afide. ROB. She vifits our Tattle, Sir. Sir JOHN. Vifits our Tattle ! it is a plain cafe (afide] Enquire for that girl but with caution, tho' and tell her to meet me privately unknown to any body in the duflc of the evening down in the Bird-Cage walk, yonder. ROB. I will, Sir. Sir JOHN. And don't let Tattle fee her Tat- tle has engaged her in her miftrefs's inte- reil I fee how it is don't let any of my fer- vants fee her go directly, Robert. Now mail I judge what regard you have for me But, hark ye, Robert ! Come hither I a word with you mould it be known that this girl converfes with me mould my lady have the leaft item of it, they are then upon their guard You mull be cautious, therefore let her come wrapped up in darknefs concealed from every obierver with a mafk on^ ROB. ALL IN THE WRONG. 31 ROB. A mafk, Sir John won't that make her be remark'd the more ? Sir JOHN. No, no, let her come mafked ; I will make every thing fure Robert, bring this about for me, and I am your friend for ever ROB. I will do my endeavour, Sir. [Exif. Sir JOHN. I'll now take a turn round the Park, and try if I can find the minion this picture belongs to [Exit. Enter BEVERLEY and BELLMONT. BEV. Yes, they had almoft furpriz'd us but at fight of her father, Belinda gave me the word, and away I darted down towards the canal, yon- der BEL. Was Sir William with him then ? BEV. Yes ; they had been plotting our de- ftrucYion together But we mall out-officer them, it is to be hoped, my boy. BEL. Yes, and it is alfo to be feared that we mail not. BEV. Hey ! you alarm me no new mine fprung ! BEL. No, nothing new \ but the old flory . The old folks are determined; a,t the turning of yonder corner they came both full tilt upon Cla- rififa, and me BEV. Well, and how! whatpaffed? BEL. Why they were fcarcely civil to your fif- ter. Sir William fixed his furly eye upon me for a time, then calling me to him, Sir, fays he, you will run counter to my will, I fee you will be ever dangling after that girl But, Mr. Blandford and 1 have agreed upon the match, anu then he peremptorily commanded me to take my leave of her that moment. BEV. 3* ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. And did you fo ? BEL. And did you fo ? how can you afk fnch a queftion ? Sir, fays I, I muft fee the; lady home, and fo off 1 marched, arm in arm, with her, my father bawling after me, and I bowing to him, " Sir, your humble fervant, I with you a *' good morning, Sir." He continued calling out, I kifled my hand to him, and fo we made our efcape. BEV. And where have you left her ? BEL. At home ; at your houfe. BEV. Well ! and do ye both continue in the fame mind ; is to-morrow to be your wedding- day ? BEL. Now are you conjuring up a thoufand horrid fancies to torment yourfelf with But don't be alarmed, my dear Beverley 1 mail leave you your Belinda, and content myfelf with the honour of being your brother-in-law. BEV. Sir, the honour will be to me But un- eafy ! ha ! ha ! no no I am not uneafy, nor (hall I ever be fo again BEL. I'wifli you would keep that refolution where do you dine ? BEV. Will you dine with me ? BEL. I can't; 'tis club -day BEV. Faith, fo it is I'll attend you- BEL. That's right; let us turn towards the Mall, and faunter there till dinner BEV. No, 1 can't go that way yet I muft enquire how Belinda does, and what her father faid to her ; for I have not feen her fince we parted in the morning. BEL. And now, according to cuftom, you will 'make her an apology for leaving her, when there \ras an abfolute nccefHty for it, and you'll / fall ALL IN THE WRONG. 33 fall to an explanation of circumftances that re- quire no explanation at all, and refine upon things, and BEV. Nay, if you begin with your raillery, I am off your fervant a 1'honneur \JLxit. BELLMONT alone. PoorBeverley ! Tho* ahandfome fellow, and of agreeable talents, he has fuch a ft range diffi- dence in himfelf, and fuch a folicitude to pleafe, that he is every moment of hi-> life moft inge- nioufly elaborating his own uneafmefs. Enter Sir J O H N. Sir JOHN. Not yet, not yet , nobody like it as yet ha ! who is that hovering about my houfe ? if that mould be he now ! I'll exa- mine him nearer Pray, Sir what the devil lhall I fay ? Pray, Sir BEL. Sir! Sir JOHN. I beg pardon for troubling you, Sir but pray what o'clock is it by your watch ? BEL. By my watch, Sir ! 1'Jl let you know in a moment Sir JOHN. Let me examine him now (leaks at him, and then at the pitfure.) BEL. Egad, I am afraid my watch is not right it muft be later (looking af bis watch.} Sir JOHN. It is not like him (comparing them loth) BEL. It does not go, I am afraid (puts it to bis ear.} Sir JOHN. The eye no ! BEL. Why, Sir, by my watch it wants a quar- ter of three. 1- Sir 3-4 ALL IN THE WRONG; Sir JOHN. It is not he and yet no no- no I am ftill to feek Enter BEVERLEY. BEV. Hip ! Bellmont well overtaken a word with you Sir JOHN. Here comes another ; they are all fwarming about my houfe BEV. I have feen her ; I have feen Belinda, my boy me will bewithClariffa in the Park im- mediately after dinner, you rogue. Sir JOHN. I want to fee-his face ; this maybe the original. BEV. Her father has been rating her in his ufual manner; but your marriage with my lifter will fettle every thing. Sir JOHN. I'll walk round him (fmgs] Loll toll loll (locks at him} ha I it has his air (Jings) Loll toll loll, and it has his eye Loll toll loll [walks to and fro. BEV. Prithee, Bellmont, don't be fuch a dang- gling lover, but confummate at once, prithee do, for the fake of your friends. Sir JOHN. It has his nofe for all the world. BEL. I'll tell you what, Beverley, do you fpi- rit your fifter up to keep her refolution, and to- morrow puts you out of all pain Sir JOHN. Loll toll loll it has his com- plexion the fame glowing, hot, amorous com- plexion (fings and looks uneafy.} BEV. Who is this gentleman walking here?-- BEL. Faith, I don't know an odd fellow he feems to be Sir JOHN. Loll toll loll it has his moulders Loll toil loll ay, and I fancy the mole upon 3 the ALL IN THE WRONG. 35 the cheek to I wilh I could view him nearer Loll toll loll BEV, The man feems mad, I think. Sir JOHN. Begging your pardon, Sir Pray (looking at Mm and the -pitture} Pray, Sir, can you tell whether we fhall have a Spanim war ? BEV. Not I, truly ; did you ever fee fuch an odd fellow, Bellmont ? BEL. He has been talking to me too : he is too welldrefled for a poet. BEV. Not, if he has had a good fubfcription. Sir JOHN. He has the mole fure enough BEV. Let us ftep this way 1 have more to fay to you Sir JOHN. Ay ! he wants to fneak off Guilt! guilt! confcious guilt ! I'll make fure of him tho' pray, Sir, I beg your pardon is not your name Wildair ? BEV. No, Sir, Beverley, at your fervice. Sir JOHN. 'Have you no relation of that name ? BEV. None. Sir JOHN. You are very like a gentleman of that name a friend of mine, whofe picture I have here will you give me leave juft to [compares him with the ptflure. BEV. An odd adventure this, Bellmont. BEL: Very odd, indeed. BEV. Do you find any likenefs, Sir ? Sir JOHN. Your head a little more that way, if you pleale ay ! ay ! it is he 'tis a plain cafe ; this is my man, or rather, this is my wife's man BEV. Did you ever know any thing like this? ha ! ha ! BEL. Never ha! ha! ha! F 2 Sir 3 6 ALL IN THE WRONG. Sir JOHN. They are both laughing at me . ay ! and i fhall be laught at by the whole town, pointed at, hooted at, and gazed at BEV. What do I fee ? s'death, the fetting of that picture is like what 1 gave Belinda. . Zoons ! if it is the fame {drawing near him. Sir JOHN. He makes his approach, -and means, I fuppofe, to fnatch it out of tny hand . But I'll be before- hand with him, and fo into my pocket it goes There, lie fafe there BEV. Zoons ! he puts it up in a hurry will you be fo good, Sir, as to favour me- with a Sir JOHN. Sir, I wifh you a good day BEV. With a fight of that picture for a mo-, ment Sir JOHN. The picture, Sir Po ! a mere daub BEV. Mere curiofity, Sir Sir JOHN. It is not worth your feeing I wifh you a good day. BEV. I mould take it as a favour Sir JOHN. A paltry thing I have not a mo- ment to fpare my family waiting dinner Sir, I wifh you a good morning (runs into hishoufe.) BEV. Death and fire ! Bellmont, my pic- ture BEL. Oh ! no no fuch thing BEV. But I am fure of it if Belinda BEL. What, rel?pfmg into uneafmefs and fuf- picion again ! BEV. Sir, I have reafon to be uneafy me flights me, difdains me, treats me with con- tempt BEL. But I tell you, that unhappy temper of yours Prithee, man, leave teazing yourfelf, and It't us adjourn to dinner BEV. ALL IN THE WRONG. 37 BEV. No, Sir ; I fhan't dine at all I am not well ' BEL. Ridiculous ! how can you be fo abfurd ? , I'll bett you twenty pounds that is not your picture BEV. Done ; I take it BEL. With all my heart ; and I'll tell you what, if it be yours, 1 will give you leave to be as jealous of her as you pleafe Come, now let us to dinner . BEV. I attend you in the evening we (hall know the truth if it be that I gave Belinda Ihe is falfe, and I am miferable. [Exeunt. Sir JOHN, (peeping after them.} There he goes there he goes the deftroyer of my peace and happinefs ! I'll follow him, and make fure that he has given me his name rightly, and then, my Lady Reftlefs, I have done with you for ever. END OF THE SECOND ACT. ACT 38 ALL IN THE WRONG. :c^^ ACT III. *rbe former SCENE continues. Enter BELINDA and CLARISSA. BELINDA. BUT have you really fixed everything, Cla- rifia ? CLA. Pofitively, and to-morrow morn : ng makes me his. BELIN. To-morrow morning! CLA. Yes, to-morrow morning I releafe Mr. Bellmont from his fetters, and reiign my perfon to him. BELIN. Why, that is what all we poor wo- men, after all the victories of our charms, all the triumphs of our beauty, and all the murders of our eyes, muft come to at laft. CLA. Well, and in that we but imitate the men. Don't we read of them conquering whole kingdoms, and then fubmitting at laft to be go- verned by the vanquimed. BELIN. Very true, Clarifia; and upon my word I think you are a heroine equal in fame to any of them ; nay fuperior, for your fcheme, I take it, is not to unpeople the world - CLA. Prithee, Belinda, don't talk fo wildly ; for, to tell you the truth, now that I have fettled the affair, I begin to be alarmed at what I have done. - Oh! dear, dear affe6lation ! - CLA. ALL IN THE WRONG. 39 CLA. Actually now, pofitively, I am terrified to death. BEL IN. Ha! ha! to be fure ourfex muft play its tricks, and fummon up all its fantaftic train of doubts and fears but courage, my dear, don't be frightened, for the fame fex within that heart of yours will urge you on, and never let you be at reft, till you have procured yourfelf a tyrant for life. CLA. A tyrant, Belinda! I think more ge- neroufly of Mr. Bellmont, than to imagine he will ufurp to himfelf an ill ufe of his power BEL IN. To deal candidly with you, I am of your opinion but, tell me now, a'n't I a very good girl, to refign fuch a man to you ? CLA. Why, indeed, I muft confefs the obli- gation. BE LIN. Ay ! but to refign him for one, whofe temper does not promife I fhall live under fo mild a government. CLA. How do you mean ? BEL i N. Why, Mr. Beverley's ftrange caprices, fufpicions, and unaccountable whimfies, ars enough to alarm one upon the brink of matri- mony. CLA. Well, I vow I can't help thinking, Be- linda, that you are a little fubjecl to vain fur- mifes and fufpicions yourfelf. BEL. Come now, you are an infincere girl , you know I am of a temper too generous, too open CLA. I grant all that, but by this conftant re- petition of the feme doubts, I mould not wonder to fee you moft heartily jealous of him BELIN. Jealous! oh heavens! -jealous in- deed ! CLA. 40 ALL IN THE WRONG. CLA. Well, I fay no more; and as to my brother, here he comes, and let him fpeak for himfelf. Enter BEVERLEY and BELLMONT. BEL. Well, upon my foul, Beverley, you make me laugh at you but come, there's an end of that matter Ladies your moft obe- dient 1 hope we have not tranfgrefled our time. BEL IN. Not in the leaft ; you are both very exact true as the dial to the fun. BEV. (In a peevijb manner. ) Although it be not fhone upon. BEL IN. Although it be not fhone upon, Mr. Beverley ! why with that dejected air, pray Sir? BEL. Oh! lord! you two are going to com- mence wrangling lovers again a-propos, Belin- da now Beverley, you mail fee be fo good, ma'am, as to let me fee this gentleman's pic- ture.- BE LIN. His picture ! what can you want it for? you mall have it (fearching her pocket.} BEL. Now, Beverley, do you confefs how wrong you have been ? BEV. Why faith 1 begin to think I was wrong fay not a word to her fhe'll never for- give me elfe. (Slpart.} BEL IN. It is not in that pocket it muft be here (fearches the other. ) BEL. You have been fad company, on account of this ftrange fufpicion. BEV. I own it ; let it drop - t fay no more. (Afide.} BE LIN. Well! I proteft and vow what can be- ALL IN THE WRONG. 41 become of it ? come, gentlemen, this is fome trick of yours you have it among ye Mr. Bellmont, Mr. Beverley pray return it BEV. No, ma'am, it is no trick of ours (angrily.) BE LIN. As I live and breathe I have not got it. BEV. What think you now, Bellmont? BEL. She'll find it prelently, man; don't mew your humours, be upon your guard ; you'll un- do yourfelf elfe Clarifia, mall you and I faun- ter down this walk ? CLA. My brother feerns out of humour, what's the matter ? BEL. I'll tell you prefently let us ftep this way. [Exeunt. BELINDA, BEVERLEY. BE LIN. Well, I declare upon my honour I don't know what is come of this odious pic- BEV. This odious picture ! Oh ! Belinda. BEL IN. You may look grave, Sir, but I have it not.- BEV. I know you have not, ir&'am ; and don't imagine BELIN. Imagine ! what do you mean ? ima- gine what ? BEV. Don't imagine that I am to be led blind- fold as you pleafe. BELIN. Oh ! heavens ! with what gravity that ( was faid ! BEV. I am not to be deceived -, I can fee all around me BELIN. You can ? BEV. I can, madam. G BE- 42 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEI/>N. Well, and how do you like your profpect ? BEV. Uh ! you begin to banter but that picture 1 have ken this day in the hands of an- other the gentleman to whom you gave it. BEL IN. To whom I gave it ! have a care, Sir; this is another fymptom of your jealous temper. BEV. But I tell you, madam, I faw it in his hand. BEL IN. Who is the gentleman ? what's his name ? BEV. That I can't lay I BEL IN. Well, upon my word you are making yourielf very ridiculous in this matter ha! ha! BEV. You may laugh, madam, but' it is no laughing matter, 1 affure you BE LIN. Oh ! brave follow your own notions I gave it: away I have icorned your prefent ha! ha! poor Mr Beverley ! BEV. I don't doubt you, ma'am, I believe you did give it away. BELIN. Mighty well, Sir, think fo if you pleafe 1 (hall leave you to your own imagina- tion it will find wherewithal to entertain you ha ! ha ! your frrvant, Sir, yonder I fee Cla- rifla and Mr. Bellmont i w;ll join them this initant your fervant, Sir, amufe yourielf with your own fancies ha ! ha \ [Exit. BEVERLEY, alone. Damnation ! I can't tell what to make of this. She carries it of with an air of confidence ; and yet if that be my p ; .n't Suppofe we were to (hew ourfelves in the Mall, Clarifla, and walk our charms there, as the French exprefs it ! BEL. Ha! ha !- Beverley ! what fixed in contemplation ! BEV. Sir, I beg I chufe to be alone, Sir BEL. 7 BELIN. Ha! ha! ha! CLA. 3 BEV. Pfhaw! foolim ! BELIN. Oh ! for heaven's fake let us indulge the gentleman let us leave him toTiimfelt, and his ili-humouts this way this way you mail go home and have your tea with me Mr. Be- verley (fhe kijjes her hand to him at fome diftance^ and laughs at him] your fervant, Sir I wifh you a good evening your fervant, Sir [Exeunt* BEVERLEY, alone. Zoons ! I can't bear all this if fhe has part- ed with the pifture if me has given it away- but fhe may only have lent it, or fhe may have G 2 loft 44 ALL IN THE WRONG. loft it but even that, even that is an injury to m e why mould fhe not be more careful of it ? I will know the bottom of it that's the houfe the gentleman went into I'll wait on him di- rectly but they are watching me I'll walk off another way, to elude their obfervation ay ! ay ! you may laugh, ma'am, but I mall find you out. [Exit. SCENE changes to an Apartment at Sir JohnV. Enter Lady RESTLESS, meeting ROBERT. Lady REST. Where are you going, Sir? ROB. To my matter's room, madam, to leave thefe cloaths there. Lady REST. Stay, Sir; ftay a moment (fearches the pockets] Where are his letters ? ROB. Letters, my lady ! I know of no let- ters I never touch his pockets Lady REST. I guefled you would fay fo you are Sir John's agent the conductor of his fchemes. ROB. I, madam ! Lady REST. You, Sir, you are his fecretary for love affairs. ROB. I collect his rents, my lady, and Lady REST. Oh! Sir, I am not to be de- ceived 1 know you for my enemy. ROB. Enemy, ma'am ! I am fare, as far as a poor fervat dare, I am a friend to both Lady REST. Then tell mehoneftly, have not you conveyed his letters out of my way ? ROB. Indeed, madam, not I Lady ALL IN THE WRONG. 45 r Lady REST. Then he has done it himfelf artful man ! 1 never can find aline after him where did you go for him this morning ? ROB. This morning ! Lady REST. Ay ! this morning I know he fent you fomewhere Where was it ? ROB. Upon my word, my lady Lady REST. Very well, Sir I fee how it is you are all bent againft me I {hall never be at reft till every fervant in this houfe is of my own chufing. Is Tattle come home yet ? ROB. No, madam. Lady REST. Where can (he be gadding about ? Hark! I hear a rap at the door this is Sir John, I fuppofe ftay, let me Men I don't know that voice who can it be fome of his libertine company, I fuppofe ROB. My lady, if you will believe me Lady REST. Hold your tongue, man let me hear ROB. Indeed, madam Lady REST. Hold your tongue, I fay ! won't you hold your tongue ? go about your bufinefs, Sir, go about your bufirrefs What does he fay ? (liflening] I can't hear a word Who's below there ? Enter TATTLE, with a Capuchin on. Lady REST. So Mrs. Tattle who is that at the door ? TAT. A gentleman, madam, fpeaking to William. Lady REST. And where have you been, mif- trefs ? How dare you go out without my leave TAT. 46 ALL IN THE WRONG. TAT. Dear, my lady, don't be angry with me I was fo terrified about what happened in the morning ; and your ladyfhip was in fuch a perilous taking about it, that I went to defire Mrs. Marmalet would juftify herfelf and me Lady REST. Oh ! very well, Mrs. Bufy-Bo- dy you have been there, have you ? You have been to frame a ftory among yourfelves, have you, and to hinder me from difcovering ? But I'll go to my Lady Conqueft myfelf I have had no anfwer to my letter, and 'tis you have oc- cafioned it TAT. Dear, my lady, if you will but give me leave I have been doing you the greateft piece of fervice I believe, in my confcience, there is fomethingin what you fufpect about Sir John Lady REST. Do you ? why ? how? TAT. I have feen Mrs. Marmalet, and I have made fuch a difcovtry Lady REST. Have you Tattle ? what ? fpeak tell me what is it ? TAT. Robert has been there, madam, with a meflage from Sir John, who wants to fee her in the evening , and he has defired Lady REST. B.'eflings on you, Tattle well go on tell me all Enter a Servant. Lady REST. What do you want, Sir ? who called you ? go about your bufmefs SERV. Madam, there is a gentleman wants to ibeak with Sir John about a picture Lady REST. I had forgot me it was he rap- ped at the door, I fuppofe - Yes, madam ! 3 Lady ALL IN THE WRONG. 47 Lady REST. About a picture ! this may lead to fome further difcovery defire the gentleman to flep up flairs (Exit Servant] and fo Tattle, Robert has been there TAT. Yes, ma'am Lady REST. And Sir John wants to fpeak with Marmalet in the evening, and has defired Oh ! the bafe man ! what has he defired ? now he is difcovered what has he defired ? TAT. He has defired, ma'am the poor girl does not know what to make of it She is very fober and difcreet, I affure you, ma'am he has defired, ma'am, in the dulk of the evening, that Mrs. Marmalet will come and Lady REST. How unlucky this is? the gen- tleman is coming I have a mind not to fee him and yet I will too Tattle, do you ftep to my room i as foon as he goes, I will come to you, and hear all in private. (Exit Tattle} In the dulk of the evening he delires to fee her aban- doned wretch ! Enter BEVERLEY. BEV. Madam [bows* Lady REST. Sir. [curtejtes. BEV. I wanted a word with Sir John Reftlefs, madam. Lady REST. About a picture, the fervant tells me, Sir. BEV. Yes, madam, a picture I had given to a lady j and however infignificant in itfelr, it is to me of the higheft confequence, as it may conduce to the explanation of an affair, in which the hap- pinefs of my life is concerned. Lady REST. The lady is young ? Biv. 48 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. She is. Lady REST. And handfome ? BEV. In the higheft degree ; my heart is de- voted to her i and I have reafon to fufpect, that a prefent from me is not of fo much value as I could wifh. To be plain, ma'am, I imagine fhe has given the picture away. Lady REST. Look-ye there now! my fufpi- cionsarejuft. BEV. Your fufpicions, madam ! did you fuf- pect it was given to Sir JohnReftlefs ? Lady REST. What I know of the matter mall be no fecret to you Pray, Sir, have you fpoke to the lady on this head ? BEV. I have, but fhe knows nothing of the matter ; me has loft it, fhe has miflaid it, fhe can give no account of it Lady REST. She has given it to Sir John, Sir. BEV. Given it to him ? Lady REST. Given it to him, Sir. BEV. Then I have no further doubt. Lady REST. Of what ? BEV. Madam, I would not hurt your peace of mind ; I would not give you impreffions of Sir John, that may Lady REST. Oh ! Sir, ftand upon no cere- mony with him j an injurious, falfe, licentious man ! BEV. Is that his character ? Lady REST. Notorioufly : he has made me miferable ; falfe to his marriage vows, and warm in the purfuit of his pleafures abroad ! I have not deferved it of him Oh ! Sir John ! Sir John! Oh! [cries. BEV. She weeps j the cafe is plain, and I am undone Lady ALL IN THE WRONG. 49 Lady REST. Pray, Sir, what is the lady's ttame? BEV. Belinda Blandford. Lady REST. Belinda Blandfotd ! I thank y&u, Sir. BEV. Pray, Madam, have yoii ever feen her ? Lady REST. Seen her> Sir! yes, I have feen too much of her. BEV. You alarm me", madam you have feen nothing unhandtbme, I hope Lady REST. I don't know what you call un- handfome, Sir. But, pray, what ought one to think of a young lady thrown familiarly into a gentleman's arms ? BEV. In his arms, madam ! Sir John's arms f Lady REST. In Sir John's ! in open day ; in the Park > under my very window ; moft familiarly, wantonly reclining in his very arms. BEV. Oh ! heavens ! Lady REST. He clafping her with equal free!* dom round the waift BEV. Falfe, falfc Belinda ! Lady REST. Both interchanging fond mutual glances BEV. Oh ! madam, the whole is come to light, and I thank you for the difcovery, tho* I am ruined by it But give me leave is all this certain ? Lady REST. There can be no doubt, Sir, thefe eyes behekl their amoroys meeting. BEV. Saw it youifelf ? Lady REST. Yes, all, all, Sir Sir John, I know, is capable of any thing, and you know what to think of Belinda, as you call her. H BEV, 5 o ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. Oh ! madam, I have long had reafon to fufpedt. Lady REST. You have, Sir ? then the whole affair is plain enough. BEV. It is fo I meant an honourable connec- tion with her , but Lady REST. But you fee, Sir BEV. Yes, I fee, madam you are fure Sir John has this picture ? Lady REST. Sure, Sir ! it is your own pic- ture I had it in my hands but a moment, and he flew with ardor, with impetuofity, like a fury flew to it, and recovered it from me what could be the meaning of that, Sir ? BEV. The meaning is too plain. Lady REST. And then, Sir, when charged and prefied home with his guilt, moft hypocritically he pretended to believe it the portrait of fome favourite of mine But you know, Sir, how that is BEV. Oh! madam, I can juftify you ha! ha! that is but a poor evafion, and confirms me the more in my opinion and I humbly take my leave Lady REST. Sir, I am glad you have had the good luck to fpeak to me about this affair; and, if any other circumftances come to your knowledge, I mail take it as a favour if you will acquaint me with them for, indeed, Sir, I am very, unhappy BEV. Madam, I am in gratitude bound to you, and my bed fervices, you fhall ever command Madam, your moft obedient Oh ! Belinda ! Belinda ! [Exit. Lady REST. Now, Sir John how will you be able to confront thefc ftubborn facts ? You are ALL IN THE WRONG. 51 are now feen thro' all your difguifes detected in your true colours Tattle within here, has frefh proofs againft you, and your man Ro- bert, and all of you, I muft hear that whole ftory direftly - [Exit* SCENE, the Park. Enter Sir JOHN. Yes, yes, he told me his name honeftly enough Beverley is his name and my lady Reftlefs, now your gallant, your paramour, is known What do I ice ? By all my wrongs, the very man again ! coming out of my houfe be- fore my face BEVERLEY and ROBERT come out of the Houfe. BEV. There, friend, there is fomething for your trouble. ROB. I thank your honour. Sir JOHN. He bribes my fervant too ; and the fellow takes it Both in their trade ; both in their trade ! BEV. Could I have fufpected her of fuch trea- chery Zoons ! I take that to be Sir John Reftlefs. Sir JOHN. This is he to whom I havefo many obligations. [afide* BEV. Well encountered, Sir- your fervant, Sir-- Sir JOHN. My fervant, Sir ! I rather take it you are my lady's fervant. BEV. You, if I don't miftake, Sir John, are a pretty general fervant of the ladies. Pray, H 2 Sir, 5 i ALL IN THE WRONG. Sir, have not you a pidlure of mine in your pocket ? Sir JOHN. That, I fuppofe, you have heard from my good lady within here BEV. Yes, Sir, and I have heard a great deal more from my lady. Sir JOHN. I don't in the leaft doubt it. BEV. Sir, I do not mean to work myfelf up into any choler about fuch a trifling bauble - fmce the lady has thought proper to give it to you Sir JOHN. Do her juftice, pray ; me did not give it j fo far me was true to you-~-I took it from her, Sir. BEV. And that mews you are upon free and eafy terms with her ; it is of no manner of confequence to me ; I defpife it, and you are welcome to make what ufe you will of it. This, I will only fay, that you have made me rnifera- ble.r- Sir JOHN. What, I have interrupted your happinefs ? BEV. You have. Sir JOHN. And no doubt you think it cruel of me fo to do. BEV. Call it by what name you will, you have ruined me with the woman I doated on to diftraftion. Sir JOHN. A candid declaration ! and fo, Sir, you doated on h?r, and never reflected that you were doing me the leaft injury ? BEV. Injury! 1 promife you, Sir, I will never injure you again, and fo you may fet your mind at peace, for 1 here declare, I never will hold farther intercourfe with her 3 Sir ALL IN THE WRONG. 53 Sir JOHN. Oh ! that is too late for me ; I have now done with her myfelf you are very welcome to the lady, Sir you may take her home with you as foon as you pleafe ; I have done with her, I forfwear her, and ib I (hall tell my lady this moment (going.} BEV. That will make her ladylhip happy, no doubt Sir JOHN. Yes, I dare fay you know it will BEV. She told me as much, Sir. Sir JOHN. She did ! why then you may de- pend I fhall keep my word, and my lady may depend upon it too and that I hope, with all my heart, will make you happy, Sir. BEV. It won't indeed, Sir I refign her for ever Sir JOHN. What, are you tired of her BEV. I loath her, deteft her, hate her as much as I ever loved her. Sir JOHN. And fo do I too, I allure you and fo I mail tell my lady this very inftant your fervant, Sir and, if 1 can find proof fufficient, you lhall hear of me, I promife you, Sir (aftde.] * [Exit. BEVERLEY. Ay ! me has been connected with him, till fh# has pall'd his very appetite s'death, I'll leek her this moment, upbraid her with her falfhood, and even fo by heavens ! I (hall do it with regret for even now I feel a tug at my heart- ftring but were L to be torn piece-meal, this (hall be our laft intervkw ~ Jinter ALL IN THE WRONG. Enter BELINDA, CLARISSA, and BELLMONT. BE LIN. Alas a- day! poor foul! fee where he takes his melancholy walk did not I tell you, ClariiTa, that the ftricken deer could not quit this place ? CLA. And did not I tell you, Belinda, that you could not keep away from the purfuit ? BEL. Pray, ma'am, do you want to be in at the death, or do you mean to bring the poor thing to life again ? BE LIN. I ! what do you mean ? you bring me this way CLA. Well! if that is the cafe, we had as good go home to your houfe, for 1 want my tea BEL i N. Po ! not yet it is not fix o'clock. *1 EL - } Ha! ha! CLA. 3 BELIN. What do ye laugh at? CLA. At you, my dear why, *iis pad feven Oh ! Belinda, you are the ftricken deer, I find BELIN. Who I ? not I truly I CLA. My dear Belinda, you are and come, we will do the good natured thing by you, and leave you to yourielves Succeis attend you come, Mr. Bellmont [Exeunt. BELINDA, BEVERLEY. BELIN. Thyrfis, a youth of the infpired train, FairSacharifla lov'd, but lov'd in vain. Po! po! (looking peevifbly at her, ) BELIN. ALL IN THE WRONG. 55 BELIN. What, won*c you know me, Sir ? BEV. Yes, madam, I know you it is but too true, that I know you BELIN. Prithee, give over thefe humours what, ftill gloomy and difcontented ! come, come, under pain of my difpleafure, brighten up this moment. BEV. Po ! po! filly, ridiculous, and idle! BELIN. Come, come, when I procla ; m a par- don, you had better embrace it, than reduce yourfelf to the neceffi ty of fighing, vowing, pro- tefting, writing to me, following me up and down, kneeling at my feet, imploring forgive- nefs BEV. Madam, I mail never be brought to forgive BELIN. Upon my word ! ha! ha! ha! BEV. Oh ! you may laugh, ma'am, you have too long impofed upon my fond, eafy credulity ; but the witchery of your charms is over BELIN. Very well, Sir ! and you are your own man again. BEV. I am, madam, and you may be your own woman again, or any body*s woman, or every body's BELIN. You grow rude, Sir! BEV. It is time to wave all ceremony, and to tell you plainly, that your falfhood BELIN. My falmood, Sir! BEV. Your falfhood ! I know the whole af- fair I loved you once, Belinda, tenderly loved you, and by heaven I fvvear, it is with lorrow that I can no longer adore you, and that 1 now bid you an everlalting farewel (going.) BELIN. Explain. Sir what action of my life ? BilV. 56 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. Your prudence forfook you at lafl it was too glaring too manifeft in open day - BELIN. Too manifeft in open day ! Mr. Be- verley, I fhall hate you - BEV. Oh ! ma'am, all circumftances inform againft you my picture given away - BEL IN. Infolent! provoking! wrong-headed man ! I'll confirm him in his error, to torment him (a/ide.}-~- Well, Sir, what if I chofe to give it away ! I am miftrefs of my own actions, am BEV. Oh ! I know that, ma'am I know that and I am not uneafy, ma'am - BELIN. So it feems ha! ha! why do you figh, poor man ? BEV. Sigh, madam ! I difdain it - .BELIN. I am glad of it , now that is fo man- Jy ! but pray watch yourfelf well, hold a guard upon all your paffions, otherwife they will make a fool of you again - BEV. And do you take care you don't expofe yourfelf again lolling familiarly in a gentle- man's arms ! - BELIN. How ! BEV. Here, in the Park ! in open day ! BELIN. What can this be ? - - BEV. He inviting you to his houfe ! - BELIN. Oh! I underftand him now, when I fainted, all this was I'll encourage his notion, to be revenged of his wafpifli temper (afide.] - Well, Sir, and what then ? BEV. What then ? - BELIN. Ha! ha! poor Mr. Beverley ! why (hould you be in a piteous taking, becauie J, in the gaitry of my heart, give away a picture I fet no value on, or walk with a gentleman I do tin ALL IN THE WRONG. 57 let a value on, or lean on his arm, or make the man happy by letting him draw on my glove BEV. Or draw off your glove, madam BELIN. Ay! or draw it off BEV. Yes, or or or take any other liber- ties BELIN. Very true BEV. You may make light of it, madam BELJN. Why yes, a generous temper always makes light of the favours it confers BEV. And lome generous tempers will make light of any thing to gratify their inclinations Madam, I have done I abjure you eternally abjure you. BELIN. Bon voyage ! BEV. Dcjn't think to fee me again BELIN. Adieu! Well> what, coming again what, lingering (repeats affectedly} Thus o'er the dying lamp, the unfteady flarne Hangs quivering to a point &c. BEV. With what an air (he carries it I have but this one thing more to tell you by heaven I loved you to excels I loved you luch is my weaknefs, I (hall never quite forget you f fhall be glad, if hereafter 1 hear of your happinefs, and, if I can, no dimonour mail fall on you BELJN. Ha! ha! well! my obliging, ge- nerous Don Quixote, go and fight windmills, caftles in the air, and a thoufand phantoms of your own creation, for your Dulcinea's fake, do ha! ha! BEV. Confufion ! mind, madam that this is the lall time of my troubling you BEL IK. I fhall expect you to-morrow morn- ing I BEV. 5 '8 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. No never by heaven, never BELIN. Exactly at ten your ufual hour BEV. May I perifh at your feet, if I do BELIN. Oh! brave but remember ten kneeling, befeeching, imploring, your hand upon your heart, " Belinda, won't you forgive me ? " BEV. Damnation ! I have done I here bid you an eternal adieu ! farewel [Exit. BELIN. 1 fhall wait breakfaft for you ha! ha ! poor Beverley ! he cannot command his temper but, in ijpite of all his fa*ults, I love him ftill. What the poet fays of great wits, may be applied to all jealous lovers To madnefs fure they're n$ar allied ; Afld thin partitions do their bounds divide. [Exit. END OF THE THIRD ACT. ACT. ALL IN THE WRONG. 59 ACT IV. SCENE, an Apartment in Beverley V Houfe. Enter BEVERLEY. SO! fo! fo! Belinda, I have efcaped your fnares, and have recovered my freedom ; and yet, if me had not proved falfe, what a trea- fure of love had I in ftore for all that bsauty ! Po ! po ! no more of her beauty it is excer- nal, fuperftcial, the mere refuk of features and complexion A deceitful Syren, to draw the un- wary into a dream of happinefs, and then wake him into wonder at the ftorms and tempefts that gather round hirru I have done with her ; Fil think no more of her Oh ! Belinda \ Be- linda ! Enter BRUSH. BRUSH. Pleafe your honour BEV. She that in every part of life feemed fo amiable ! BRUSH. Sir! BEV. Under fo fair a mafk to wear fuch loofe defigns ! BRUSH. What is he mufmgupon ? Sir BEV. I have done with her for ever ay, for ever (bums a turn} I fwcar for ever (fmgs) are you there, Brufh ? BRUSH. Yes, your honour here is a letter. I 2 BEV. 60 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. So unforefeen, fo unexpected a difcove- ry ! Well ! well ! well ! what did you. fay, Bruih ? BRUSH. A letter for your honour, Sir BEV. Well, give it to me another time I'll not make myfelf uneafy about her BRUSH. I fancy your honour will be glad to have it now BEV. What did you fay ? BRUSH. It is a letter from madam Belinda, Sir. BEV. Belinda ! I won't read it take it away BRUSH. Hey ! which way is the wind now? fome quarrel, I fuppofe but the falling out of lovers muft I take it away, Sir ? BEV. I have done with her for ever. BRUSH. Have done with madam Brlinda, Sir! BEV. Oh ! Brulh, me is but I will nor pro- claim her fhame- no, lit me ftill be tender I will fee her no more, BruhS, that is all ; hear from her no more ; fhe muft not wind herfelf about my heart again I'll go out of town di- rectly order my chaife to the door. BRUSH. Had you not better defer it till mor- row morning, Sir ? perhaps then- Btv. No no -directly do as I bid you BRUSH. Confider, Sir, if your mind mould change, the trouble of coming back poft-hafte-- BEV. No never- 1 fay, never what to her ? Who could Imile on me, on him, on a thoufand rnOj no me fliall know that I am a man BRUSH. But, Sir, you know that one folirary tear, which, after mifcrably chafing for it for half in hour together, me will painfully diftil from the ALL IN THE WRONG. 61 the corner of her eye, will extinguish all this rage, and then BEV. Po ! po ! you know nothing of the mat- ter go, and order the chaife dire&ly BRUSH. Yes, Sir I luppofe a couple of fhirts will be fufficient, Sir ? you will hardly flay them out BEV. Pack up all, Sir 1 mall (lay in the country a whole month, if it be neceffary BRUSH. An entire month, Sir ! BEV. I am refolved, fixed, determined, and fo, do as I have ordered you. (Exit Brujh] So lhall I difentangle myfelf from her entirely to lhall 1 forget the fondnefs my foolifh heart had for her I hate her, loath her, pity her,amforry for her, and love her ftiil I mud expel this weaknefs from my mind I will think no more of her and yet Bruih ! Brufh !- I may as well fee her letter too only to try what her cunning can fuggeft. Enter BRUSH. BEV. You may as well leave the letter, Brnfli BRUSH. Yes, Sir; 1 thought as much [Exit. BEVERLEY alone. Now what varnifti will me put upon the mat- ter ! (reads] " The falfe gaiety of my heart, tc thro' which my dear Beverley might have " read my real anguim at our laft meeting, is 11 now fubfided. If you will come tome, I will " not laugh at your inquietude of temper, but " will clear all your doubts, and mew you how " much I arn, my deareft Beverley, ever yours, *' BELINDA BLANDFORD." K Pfhaw ! 62 ALL IN THE WRONG. Pfhaw ! iatisfy my doubts I have no doubts ; I am convinced thefe arts prevail no more ha I ha! (laughs peevijhly] " my dear Beverley" (reads i and tears the letter by degrees] " real an- guifh" ha! ha! (tears another piece} "inqui- etude of temper'* (another piece] " clear all your doubts" Po ! po ! po ! ha ! ha ! dam- nation ! I'll think no more of her (tears ano- ther bit] ha ! ha ! " deareft Beverley" ha ! ha \ artful woman ! " ever yours" falfe ! falfe ! falfe ! (tears another piece] I'll not make roylelf uneafy about her Perfidy ! treachery ! and ingratitude ! (fixes his eye, looks uneafy , and tears the letter all in f craps.} Enter CLARISSA and BELLMONT. CLA. So, brother I BEL. Beverley ! BEV. Sifter, your fervant -Mr. Bellmont, yours CLA. You feem melancholy, brother. BEV. No, not I I am in very good fpirits CLA. Ha! ha! my dear brother, that is feen -thro', your foul is upon the rack. BEV. What about a woman, a falfe, ungrate- ful woman ! BEL. Whom you flill admire CLA. To whom you'll be upon your knees in five minutes. BEV. You are miftaken I am going out of town BEL. But you will take your leave BEV. I have done that, once for all. CLA. Has not me wrote to you ? BEV. She has -, and there, there you fee the effect of her letter. You will fee I mail main- tain a proper firmnefs on the occafioa ALL IN THE WRONG. 63 BEL. Prithee no more, Beverley, but return to your duty BEV. I beg, Sir, you will have done what, plead for treachery, for falfhood, for deceit CLA. No, Sir, but for my friend, my lovely friend, for Belinda, for truth, for innocence BEV. Po ! po! you don't know all the cir- cumftances CLA. But we do know all the circumftances, and, my dear brother, you have behaved very ill. BEV. Heaven knows, I have not, and yet, heaven knows, I fhould be glad to be convinced I have CLA. I'll tell you what then, we women ar* foft and compafiionate in our nature ; go to her without delay, fall at her feet, beg her pardon, drop a tear or two, and all will be well again. BEV. Prithee don't laugh at me, may con- tempt and beggary attend me, may all the ca- lamities of life befal me, may mame, confufion, and difquiet of heart for ever fting me, if I hold farther intercourfe with her ; if I do not put her from my thoughts for ever. Did you "leave her at home ? CLA. We did. BEV. Well, let her flay there it is of no confequence to me howdidihe bear what pafled between us ? ' CLA. Like, a Aveet girl as me is ; me behaved like an angel ; I fhall love her better than ever for her good humour. BEV. Oh ! I don't doubt her good humour fhe has fmiles at command let her fmile or not fmile, 'tis all alike to me did fhe fay any thing ? CLA. 64 ALL IN THE WRONG. CLA. She told us the whole ftory, and told it in tears too. BEV. Ay ! them fhe can command too ! But I have no curiofity about her was Ihe in tears tho' ? CLA. She was, and wept bitterly how could you, brother, behave fo rafhly to fo amiable a girl? have you a pleafure-in being the caufe of her uneafmefs ? BEV. I the caufe I you wrong me by hea- ven you wrong me my lady Reftlefs was the caufe fhe told me fuch things (he planted daggers in my very heart.' CLA. You planted daggers in her heart and it was barbarous. What, becaufe a lady has not ftrength enough to bear up againft a father, who is refolved to give her away to another, and becaufe me faints out of exceffive tendernefs for you, and in that diftrefs meets accidental relief from Sir John Reftlefs at his own door BEV. How! CLA. And becaufe my lady Reftlcfs fees this out of her window, and has a perverfe talent of miiinterpreting appearances into realities, to her own difad vantage you muft therefore fill your head with ungenerous fufpicions Oh ! for fhame, for fhame, how could you ? BEV. But, is all this true ? is this really the cafe ? BEL. How can you doubt it, Beveiiey; you know Belinda too well -it-is the cafe, man. BEV. 1 mould be glad to find it fo CLA. Well! well! I tell you it is fo ho\v could you think otherwife, when you know fhe has the beft heart in the world, and is fo nice of ho- ALL IN THE WRONG. 5 honour, ibe fcorns all falfhood and diflimula- tion BEL. Ha ! ha ! my dear Beverley, you have done the abfurdeft thing BEV. Why, if what you fay can be made to appear but then fhe'll never forgive my, paft behaviour CLA. Po ! you talk as if you- were wholly un- letter'd in the tempers of women my dear bro- ther, you know, you men can do what you pleafe with us, when you have got an intereft in our hearts go to her, 1 fay, go to her, and make your peace BEV. May I depend upon what you. fay ? - CLA. You rnay. BEV. Then 1 ? 11 fly to, her this inftant, humble myfelftoher, and promife by all' my future life to attone for this brutal injury . Enter BRUSH. BRUSH. The chaife is at the door, Sir. BEV. You may put up again ; I {han't gaout of town. BRUSH. No, Sir ! BEV?. No ha! ha! you may put up,, and let me have the chariot directly BRUSH. Yes, Sir; I knew it would come to this [Exit. BEV. But do you think me will forgive me ? CLA. She will ; love will plead your caufe. BEV. My dear fitter, I am for ever obliged to you ; and Bellmont, I thank you too. how could I wrong her fo ? I mall behold her once again ha! ha ! -is the chariot ready ? I won't flay for it ; I am on the wing, my dear Belinda, to implore forgivenefs and fo foe fainted away 66 ALL IN THE WRONG. in the Park, and my lady Reftlefs faw Sir John afford her relief? ha! ha! ha! whimfical enough ha! ha! ha! what aftrange conftruo tion her crazy temper put upon it ? ha I ha ! - how could the woman be fofoolim ? my dear Belinda, I will fly to you this moment ha ! ha ! (going* returns] Sir John mall give me back the picture, and, on my knees, I will once more prefent it- CLA. So! fo! To! you are come to yourfelf, I find BEL. I knew it would be fo BEV. She fhall have it I'll find Sir John di- rectly and then ha ! ha ! how could I be fuch a madman ! ha ! ha ! filter, your fervant Bellmont, yours ha ! ha ! what a piece of work has that fooliih woman made for us all- ha ! ha ! [JEx//, ftnging. CLA. Well, I am happy that I have nothing of my brother's unaccountable humours in my difpofition BEL. Oh! my angel, you are all CLA. Oh lord! Oh lord ! no compliments, pray I have not leiiure now to attend to you for, politivdy, I muft go back to Belinda, to lee their reconciliation will you go with me, Mr. Bellmont ? BEL. By all means CLA. Allons then-, there, take my hand, and let us be gone, [Exeunt, SCENE, an Apartment at Belinda's. Enter BELINDA. This rafli, unaccountable man! How could he entertain Inch a fufpicion ! Ungrateful Be- verley ! ALL IN THE WRONG. 67 verley ! He almoft deferves I fhould never fee him again. Tippet ! I fhan't be eafy till I hear from him Tippet ! - Enter TIPPET. BELJND. Is the fervant returned from Mr. Beverley's ? TIP. Not yet, madam. BELIN. I wonder what keeps him. I am up- on thorns till I fee the dear, ungenerous man, and explain every thing to him Oh ! Mr. Be- verley ! how could you treat me fo ? But I was partly to blame -, my lady Reitlefs inflamed his mind, and I fhould not have trifled with his pa fion Is the other fervant returned from Sir John Reftlefs ? TIP. He is, madam. BELIN. And what anfwer ? TIP. Sir John will wait upon you himfelf, madam, directly. BELIN. Very well! I muft get him to fet every thing in its true light, and juftiry me to Mr. Beverley : and yet the uncertainty of his temper alarms me ftrangely his eternal fu/pi- cions ! but there is nothing in that my future conduct, my regard for him will cure that dif- eafe, and then TIP. 1 dare be fworn it will, ma'am. BELIN. Yes, I think it will ; when he knows me better, he will learn to think gen-eroufly of me and on my part, I think I can be fure he v/ill meet with nothing but open, unfufpecling love from me. Enter a Servant. SER. Sir John Reftlefs, madam K 2 BsLiif. 68 ALL IN THE WRONG. BE LIN. Shew him in Tippet, do you leave the room. BELINDA, Sir JOHN. Sir JOHN. In compliance with your commands, Madam. BE LIN. Sir, I am much .obliged to you for the trouble you have been pleafed to give your- felf A particular circumftance has happened in your family, to my utter difquiet Sir JOHN. Madam, there have happened things in my family, to my utter difquiet too BELIN. I am forry for that, Sir but I aflure you I have been made quite unhappy, and muft beg, as it is in your power, that you will be kind enough to remove the caule of my uneafi- nefs. Sir JOHN. Whatever I can do, you may com- mand. BELIN. Sir, I thank you, and muft tell you, that your lady has done me the moil irreparable injury. Sir JOHN. Oh ! me has done the fame to me my injuries are irreparable too but how has fhe injured you, madam ? BELIN. She has ruined me, Sir, with the man I love to diftraclion. Sir JOHN. Now, here fomething elfe will come to light, (afide.} How, how has me done that, madam ? BELIN. Oh! Sir, me has entirely drawn off his affections from me. Sir JOHN. And fixed them upon herfelf, I fuppofe. BELIN. I don't fay that, Sir. Sir JOHN. But 1 dare fay it ; and I believe it. BELIN, ALL IN THE WRONG. 6 9 BELIN. Pardon me, Sir, I don't charge the lady with any thing of that kind but (he has un- accountably taken it into her head to be jealous of me. Sir JOHN. Jealous of you ! BELIN. Her lady (hip faw the little offices of civility I received from you this morning She mifunderftood every thing, it feems, and has told the gentleman with whom I was engaged in a treaty of marriage, that 'improper freedoms have patted between us. Sir JOHN. Artifice ! artifice ! her ufual policy, madam, to cover her own libertine ways. BELIN. I don't mean to fay any thing harm of the lady but you know what foundation there is for this, and I hope will do me juftice Sir JOHN. Oh ! madam, to the world, to the wide world I'lljuftify you I will wait upon the gentleman who is he, madam ? what's his name ? BELIN. Beverley, Sir! Sir JOHN. Beverley ! BELIN. Yes, Sir ; you feem furprifed do you know him, Sir ? Sir JOHN. Yes, yes, I know him and he mall know me my refentment he mall feel he fhall anfwer to me BELIN. Anfwer to you ! Sir JOHN. To me, madam I told you at firft this was her fcheme to melter herfelf -, and he, I fuppofe, is combined with her to give this turn to the affair, and to charge me with infidelity But you, ma'am, can witnefs for me BELIN. I can, Sir But can Mr. Beverley be capable of a dilhonourable action ? Sir 70 ALL IN THE WRONG. Sir JOHN. Oh ! that matter is plain enough; he has Injured me in the higheft degree, deftroy- cd my happinefs BE LIN. How, Sir ! are you fure of this ? Sir JOHN. He has giver her his picture-, I caught her with her eyes rivetted to it-, I heard her ad- miration, her praifes of it ; her wifhes that foe had been married to fuch a man I faw her print a thoufand kifles on it ; and in the very fact I wrefted it out of her hand BELIN. I allure you, Sir, if I imagined him to be fuch as you defcribe him, I mould fcarcely be willing to join myfelf to him for life Sir JOHN. As you pkafe for that but, with- out doubt, you muft be very happy with a mart of his gallantry. BEL IN. Happy, Sir ! I mould be miferable ; 1 mould be detracted I mould break my heart- Sir JOHN. Oh ! it is very likely that he will have a great regard to the honour of the nuptial bed, he, who is ib ready to commit a trefpafs on his neighbour. BELIN. But do you think you have fufficient proof ? Sir JOHN. I have feen him coming out of my houfe fince, clandeftinely, fhunning every ob- fervant eye, with the characters ot" guilt in his face, and all the difcourte I had with him, fcrved only to convince me the more BELIN. Abandoned wretch ! was this the love he profefied for me ? Sir, I have only to hope that you will vindicate me in this matter I commend myfelf to your honour, and I thank you for this favour Sir JOHN. Our evidences will mutually fpeak for ALL IN THE WRONG. 71 fof each other, and confound their dark defigns Madam, I take my leave BE UN. Sir, your moft obedient- Sir JOHN. You will find I (hall make an ex- ample of the gentleman BELIN. You cannot treat him too feverely Sir JOHN. I will expofe him, I promife you Madam, your humble fervant. [Exit. BELINDA. Oh! Mr. Beverley, could I have imagined this ? Falfe ! falfe man ! and yet how mall I forget him ! But I will make an effort, tho' it pierce me to the quick I will tear him from my heart this moment I will write to him, and for- bid him to fee me more. [#//. SCENE the Park. Enter Sir JOHN. If I can procure fufHcient evidence, I mall bring the matter to a divorce, and make an example of them all Would Marmalet were come this is her time to a moment If 1 can worm the fecret out of her then I am happy- Is not that me yOn- iler ? -there is not quite day-light enough todif- tinguifh, but I think I perceive a perfon mafked hift! hift ! Mrs. Marmalet me comes this way it is (he Mrs. Marmalet, your fervant- Enter a Woman masked. Sir JOHN. You are very good, Mrs. Marmalet-- MASK.. Blefs my heart, I am feared out of my fenfes. Sir JOHN. What's the matter, pray ? what's the matter ? Lady 7 ALL IN THE WRC7NG. MASK. Oh Sir ! I tremble like a leaf I was accofted in a rude manner by fome gentle- men yonder Oh Lord ! I can't ftay here, letiis go into your houfe, Sir I beg you will. Sir JOHN. My houfe would not any other houfe do as well? M-ASKi Oh ! no, Sir not for the world Sir JOHN. Why my wife is not at home, and fo I think I may venture, not but I had rather it were e lie where MASK. Indeed, Sir John, I can't you will do me a favour if you will take me into the houfe Sir JOHN. Very well fay no more it mall be fo Robert ROB. (Opining the Door] Is that Sir John? Sir JOHN. Your lady is not at home, Robert, is me ? ROB. No, Sin Sir JOHN. Then do you go irij and take care that nobody fees Mrs. Marmaletwith me come,. I'll mew you the way [Exeunt. SCENE/;* Sir JOHN'J Houfe. Enter TATTLE and BEVERLEY. TAT. (As fhe enters.} Ay, poor lady ! me is misfortunate, indeed- and, poor gentleman, he is as jealous as my lady to the full There has been a deal to do about that picture you'men^ rion, Sir. BEVT. Well, all that will be explained prefent- 1y I'll wait till he comes home F can't pofllbly go -without ipeaking to him- TAT. Indeed, you had better not ftay, Sir you don't confider the mifchief your being in the houfe may occaiion 2 BEV* ALL IN THE WRONG. 73 BEV. Mifchief ! how do ye mean ? TAT. Lord, Sir ! I would not have you flay for the world I would not, indeed you can call again in an hour, Sir, and you'll cer- tainly find him at home, then Blefs my heart, Sir ! i fancy that's his voke do, -dear Sir! you'll be the ruin of my lady If he fees you here, Sir, waiting in his houfe he'll be per- fuaded you come after my lady the world will never beat it out of his head BEV. But I {hall give him to underftand TAT. He won't underftand any thing, Oh hid ! oh lud ! he's coming up I'll run and look. [Exit. BEV. What a flurry the woman is ina foolifh jade ! 1 muft fpeak with him new TAT. (Entering.) It is he as I am alive, Sir and there is a woman in a mafkwith him BEV. A woman in a mafk Zcons, if that Ihould be Belinda ! my mind mifgives me flrangely ! (Afide. TAT. Do, dear Sir you look like a good- natured gentleman Let me hide you out of the way, Sir, you would not be the deftruclion of a poor fervant BEV. A mafk coming home with him I muft know who that is I won't leave the houfe with- out knowing If I could conceal myfelf Have you any private place, Mrs. Tattle ? TAT. That is the very thing I mean, Sir Let me conceal you in that clofet till he pafies thro' this room He never (lays long here it won't take you two minutes Do, fweet Sir I'll down on my knees to you BEV. That will be the bed way Come, dif- L pofe 74 ALL IN THE WRONG. pofe of me as you will If this fhould be Be- linda [Exit. TAT. Heavens blefs you, Sir, for this good- ne f s ! I'jl lock the door to make fure work of it-^Oh lud ! Oh lud ! I was never fo frightened in my life [Exit. Enter Sir JOHN, and a Woman masked. Sir JOHN. Mrs. Marmalet, I am obliged to you for this favour I wanted a word or two with you MASK. So Robert informed me, Sir Sir JOHN. Did he tell you my bufmefs ? MASK. No, Sir Sir JOHN. Look ye then, my dear Mrs. Mar- malet, if you will gratify me in what I fhall afk, you may command any thing now you may be uncovered MASK. La! Sir I hear a noife I am afraid fomebody's coming and 1 mail be feen. Sir JOHN. Hum ! no there's nobody I'll tell you what If you will indulge me on this occa- fion, I am yours for ever Here, here is a purfe of money for you MASK. But if this fhould come to the know- ledge of your lady, I am ruined and undone Sir JOHN. No, no, I'll take care of you MASK. Will you, Sir? Sir JOHN. I will but come let me remove this from your face MASK. But fomebody may come Sir JOHN. I'll lock the door there, now we are fa t f e MASK. ALL IN THE WRONG. 75 MASK. But in a little time you'll make up all quarrels with your lady, and I fhall get ruined by this Sir JOHN. No, no, never fear I mall never be reconciled to her I hate her rdeteit her Lady REST. (Unmasking.} Do you fo, Sir ? Now, Sir John, what can you fay now, Sir ? Sir JOHN. My Lady Reillefs ! Confufion ! -What (hall I fay ? Lady REST. Oh, Sir John! Sir John ! what evafion have you now, Sir? Can you deny your guilt any longer ? Sir JOHN. This is unlucky that villain Ro- bert has betrayed me and I can't explain my- felf to her now try what Toothing will do My Lady Reftlefs if you will but, have patience all this matter (hall be explained Lady REST. Explained, Sir ! Sir JOHN. Yes, my dear, explained, and Lady REST. My dear, too! the affiirance of you ! Sir JOHN. I fay, my dear, for I Hill regard you and this was all done to to cure you of your jealoufy all done to sure you of your jealoufy. Lady REST. A fine way you have taken Sir JOHN. Yes, yes and fo you will fee pre- fently all to convince you how groundlefs your fufpicions are; and then we (hall live very hapj-.y together Lady REST. Ay ! Sir JOHN, For I have no further fufpicions of you I fee my" error, and I want you to fee yours ha ! ha ! I have no fufpicions that will put her her off her guard (afide] my dear, only compofe your fpirits, and L 2 Lady 76 ALL IN THE WRONG, Lady REST. And do you think to deny every thing even in the face of conviction Bafe, bafe man ! I'll go this moment and write to my brother Sir JOHN, Po ! po ! you talk wildly this is all raving you make yourfelf very ridiculous you do, indeed I had fettled all this on purpoie, and contrived that it mould come to your ears, and then knew you would do juft as you have dene and chen I I refolved to do juft as I have done only to hint to you that litteners feldom hear any good of thernfelves, and fo fhew you how wrong it is to be too fuipicious, my dear and was it not well done ? ha ! ha ! ha ! Lady REST. And GO you laugh at me too, Sir ? make me your fport ? I'll go and get pen and ink this moment Sir JOHN. Oh ! do fo, ma'am do fo ha ! ha ! you'll only expoie yourfelf go and write, madam ha ! ha ! ha ! Lady "REST. I will, Sir ha! the door is locked this won't fucceed, Sir I fuppofe you have the key ay ! I'll lay my life you have, and fome other of your creatures is locked in there Sir JOHN. There, again this is of a piece with all your other iufpicions ha ! ha ! you are mighty filly, indeed, you are Lady REST. I wiil learch that clofet I am determined 1 wiil Sir JOHN. Do fo, ma'am, do fo ha ! ha ! Lady REST. I'll have the door broke open, if you don't give me rhe key Sir JOHN. Ha! ha ! ha I- Lady REST. Will you give me the key, Sir ? Sir JOHN. Ha! ha! ha! Lady ALL IN THE WRONG. 77 Lady REST. Very well, Sir Tattle ! who waits there ? I will find out all your artifices Tattle, I fay Sir JOHN. Tol de rol lol ha ! ha ! ha ! Enter TATTLE. Lady REST. Do you know any thing of the key of that clofet, Tattle ? TAT. The key, ma'am ! I have it, ma'am Lady REST. Give it to me TAT. That is, I have it not, ma'am oh! Crimini what mall I do now ? don't have.it, ma'am, don't afk for it ? Lady REST. Don't afk for it ! but I will have it, and fo Sir JOHN. Ha ! is not me willing to give it? there is fomething in this, then Give the key this moment, you jade, give it to me Lady REST. You fhan't have it, Sir what, you want to hinder me ! give the key to me TAT. Lord ! I have loft it, ma'am bette-r not have it, ma'am. . Sir JOHN. Give it to me this moment, I fay. Lady REST. If you don't let me have it, it is as much as your place is worth TAT. The devil is in it there it is then let me make my efcape. [Exit. Lady REST. Now, Sir, we mall fee Sir JOHN. Ay, now fearch, if you will ha! ha! Lady REST. (Unlocking the door] You (hail be found out, I promife you oh ! (fcrcams out} Sir JOHN. What's the matter now ? Lady REST. Heavens ! who have we here ? Sir JOHN. Oh there is fomebody there then ! 5 Enter 78 ALL IN THE WRONG. Enter BEVERLEY. BEV. Madam your moft obedient Sir JOHN. By all that's falfe, here he is again! Lady REST. What, in the name of wonder, brings you here, Sir ? Sir JOHN. Oh madam ! you know his bufmefs and I know his bufinefs and the gentleman knows his bufinefs There he is, ma'am ! there is the gentleman waiting for you true to his appointment, you fee Sir, your humble fervant my lady Reftlefs, your very humble fervant, madam. Now write to your brother do I mould be glad to know what you can fay now now now is the cafe plain now ? Lady REST. I am in amaze! 1 don't know what to make of this. BEV. Sir, however odd this may appear Sir JOHN. Ay ! now fettle it between your- felves give it what turn you will, Sir, (he will confirm it, you need not be afraid, Sir you will agree in your (lory me is quick of inven- tion, I allure you, and I dare fay you are pretty- quick too ! BEV. Sir, I muft beg you will put no forced conftruction upon this matter Sir JOHN. And you beg the fame, ma'am, don't you ? BEV. Sir, I beg to be heard my bufinefs here, Sir, is to defire you will return me that picture you have in your poiTeflion ! it is now become dear to me, Sir Sir JOHN. I dare fay it is BEV. And I muil have it back. Sir ALL IN THE WRONG. 79 " Sir JOHN. Sir, it is of equal value to me, and it fhall rife in evidence againft you both. Lady REST. Evidence againft me ! pray Sir, I defire you will explain yourfelf. How did you get in here ? what's your bufinefs ? what brought you hither ? what's your errand ? Sir JOHN. Ay, Sir, fpeak ; how did you get in here ? what's your bufinefs ? what brought you hither ? what's your errand ? BEV. Zoons ! I am befet by them both at once Lady REST. Speak, Sir, explain Sir JOHN. Ay ! Sir, explain BEV. Sir, if you will give me leave, I will fa- tisfy you entirely I affure you, Sir, and you too, ma'am, that my being in your, clofet is en- tirely owing to your maid, Tattle Sir JOHN. Thejadey I don't doubt it, Sir. BEV. To prevent, if polfible, the interpreta- tion you now put upon feeing me in your houfe Sir JOHN. And it was well contrived, Sir Oh! my lady Reftlefs Lady REST. By all that's ju ft, I knew nothing of it BEV. Nothing, upon my honour, Sir. Sir JOHN. Oh ! I knew you would both agree BEV. As I am a gentleman, I tell you the real faft. Sir JOHN. You need not, Sir, I know the real faft. BEV. Sir, I have no time to lofe, and I muft now defire the picture, directly, Sir. Sir JOHN ; Sir, I wifh you a good evening. BEV. So ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. I can't ftir without it ; and I fnould be glad you would comply without a quarrel, or really I muft be obliged to Sir JOHN. Ay ! now her b.ully begins ! (afide.} I defire you will quit my houie, Sir. BEV. 1 am not to be treated in this manner, Sir, and, if you don't return it by fair means, I (hall be forced to draw, Sir Sir JOHN. There again now! (he has fet him on to cut my throat but I will difappoint her ftie is a worthlefs woman, and I won't fight about her. There, Sir, there is your trinket 1 fhall have proof iufHcient without it BEV. Upon my honour, Sir, you will have no proof of any mifbehaviour of mine, and, if you fuipcft your lady from thefe appearances, you wrong her much, I allure you Lady REST. Sir, I defire you will explain all this BEV. Call up your maid, madam, and Sir JOHN. No, Sir, no mfe of it I am fa- tisfied I wifh you good night, Sir BEV. Sir, when you ere willing to Men to reaibn, 1 fha'l at any time convince yon how wrong you are, and madam, you may depend I fhall do juftice to your honour upon all occafions and I take my leave {Exit. Sir JOHN, Lady RESTLESS. Sir JOHN. Now, my lady Reftlefs, now you fee you are thoroughly known ; all your artifices are known Mr. Beverley is known ! my lord Conqueft is known Lady ALL IN THE WRONG. 81 Lady REST. My lord Conqueft, Sir! I def- pife all your imputations my lord Ccnqueft's maid, Sir! Sir JOHN. Very well, madam ! 'tis now my turn to write to your brother, and I promife you I will do it Lady REST. You will write, Sir! you will write! 1 will recollect my temper his affurance is unequalled (aftde.} Oh ! do fo, Sir, do fo ha ! ha ! but you will only expofe your weaknefs ha ! ha ! you make yourfelf very ridiculous ! you do indeed ! ha ! ha ! Sir JOHN. 'Sdeath ! madam, am I to be in- fulted with a contumelious laugh into the bar- gain ! Lady REST. Why, my dear, this was all done to to to cure you of your jealoufy for I knew you would do as you have done, and fo I refolved to do as I have done was it not well done, my dear, ha ! ha ! Sir JOHN. Damnation, madam ! this is be- yond all human patience Lady REST. Ha! ha! ha! la lall lall lal), (Jings and laughs ) Sir JOHN. Let me tell you, it is no laugh- ing matter you are a vile woman i I know you, and the world mall know you I promife you it fhall Lady REST. I am clear in my own conviction, and your (lander 1 defpife nor fhall your arti- fice blind me or my friends any longer Sir, as you fay it is no laughing matter and I promife you, Sir you (hail never dimonourme again in this houfe Sir JOHN. And I promife you, madam, that you (hall never dishonour me in any houie. M Lady 82 ALL IN THE WRONG. Lady RE ST. Injurious, falfe, falfeman! Sir John. Deceitful wanton wanton wo- man ! [Exeunt, at oppofite doors. &&(frfr#*^^ ACT V. Enter old BLAND FORD, Sir WIL- LIAM, and young BELLMONT. BLANDFORD. WELI, Sir William, we have made a good day's work of it, the writings will be ready to-morrow. Sir WIL. The fooner the better, is your daughter Belinda at home ? BLAND. I dare fay me is I ordered her home in the morning, I make no doubt but me has been at home ever fmce I'll call her to you excufe me a moment, Sir William, young gen- tleman, 1 beg your pardon [Exit. BEL. No ceremony, Sir. Sir WJL. I fuppofe you was coming hither, George, to wait upon your miftrefs, when I met you but now BEL. Sir you may depend every thing in my power to pleafe you, Sir but you know I told you already, Sir, that the lady has declared an averfion tor me. Sir WIL. An averfion ! a. fiddle for heraver- fion -has not her father promifed her to you in mar- ALL IN THE WRONG. 83 marriage ? and fo, what have you to do with her averfion ? BEL. To do with it, Sir ! egad, I am afraid I fhall have a great deal to do with it, you know, when a young lady marries againft her inclination, billets-doux, affignations, plots, and intrigues, and a terrible et cetera of female ftra- tagems, mount into her brain, and Sir WIL. Come, come, lad, don't play the rogue with your father did not you promiie me, if Belinda confented, the affair would meet with no obftacle from you ? BEL. I did, Sir, but 1 can't help thinking Sir. WIL. And I can't help thinking that you are a knave, George. I'll tell you what, I have fixed my heart upon this marriage my friend Mr. Blandford and I have been dining upon parchment, as I may fay , we have been at the Crown and Rolls all day, to read over the deeds and fo I tell you, once for all, you muft be obfervant of my will and pleafure. . BEL. Sir, if Belinda fhe will never con- fent (aftde.} If the ]ady, Sir , Sir WIL. Very well, me will be confenting I warrant her now we mall fee Enter BLANDFORD and BELINDA. BLAND. Ods heart! I am overjoyed, Sir Wil- liam my daughter is a complying, good girl, and obedient to her father young gentleman, I give you joy. BEL. Death to my hopes ! what does he mean ? BLAND. Sir William, give me your hand upon it this will not only be a match of prudence, but inclination alib - M 2 Sir 84 ALL IN THE WRONG. SirWiL. There, George, there's news for you. BEL. Sure fhe won't bring this calamity on me Can I believe what I hear, madam ? will you yourfelf pronounce the fentence ? BELin. Sir, I muft take lhame to myfelf, that I have been fo long refractory to the dictates of the beft of fathers, and blind alfo to your merit. BLAND. Loll toll loll BEL. Confufion ! (afide) My merit, I am afraid, is over-rated by you, and BELIN. Pardon me, Sir; I muft freely de- clare that my heart has been fixed upon a worth- lefs man, whom I now renounce, and to you, Sir, I am ready to refign myfelf. BLAND. There, there, all's fixed, and my blefling attend you both. BEL. What a dilemma am I brought into here? SirWiL. George, what's the matter, boy r you a bridegroom ! wounds ! at your age I would cut a caper over the moon on fuch an oc- cafion. BEL. Sir, I muft beg to be excufed I am a little more (lack -mettled, Sir, and can't leap quite fo high. SirWjL. Well, well, all in good time Mr. Blandford, where is this bottle you promiied me ? I want to wafh down the cobwebs of the law BLAND. In truth fo do I Who waits there ? Richard, lay a table in the next room come, come, we'll go and drink a bumper to the young couple. Sir WJL. With all my heart Gtrorge, you a r e a cup too low ; conic with us my lad, we'll cheer your ipirks come along, George (going.} BEL. ALL IN THE WRONG. 85 BEL. I attend you, Sir is this true, Belin- da ? BE LIN. My real fentiments, Sir. BEL. Then you have undone us all. BELINDA. Yes, I am refolved at length, and I will pu- nilh his falfehood and ingratitude by obeying my father's commando. But my friend, Clarifia, has me deferved this of me ? My refentments have hurried me too far Refume your ftrength, my heart, and let no fudden guft of paflion make you falfe to friendmip and to honour Enter TIPPET. BELIN. Well, Tippet, have you done as I or- dered you ? TIP. I have, madam. BELIN. A vile, perfidious man ! TIP. So he is, madam. BEL i N. After all the love I profeflfed for him ! after fo many ardent vows and proteftations as he has made me TIP. After the hours he has kneel'd at your feet ! BELIN. I will drive him from my thoughts here, take this letter, Tippet give it to him with your own hands. TIP. Yes, madam. BELIN. Where are his letters ? TIP. Here, madam, (fhews a parcel} BELIN. The bracelet TIP. I have it fafe. BELIN. Mighty well take them all home to him, and, in return, bring me back my foolifh letters to him. TIP. 86 ALL IN THE WRONG. TIP, Madam, I won't quit the houfe without them. BEL IN. That letter will inform him that his falfehood has compelled me into a compliance with my father's intentions, and be fure you confirm that to him. TIP. He mail hear it of every fide of his ears, I warrant him. BE LIN. Very well, you may go and, hark ye, Tippet afk his man, as if from yourfelf, carelefly, whether his mafter ever talked of me and what he faid, Tippet ? TIP. Yes, madam. BELIN. But I don't care what he faid I don't want to know any thing about him it docs not concern me now no no let him care as lit- tle for me as I do for him Tell him I fay /* TIP. I man't forget, ma'am. BELIN. Tell him to hate me as much as I do him. TIP. I'll tell him his own I prom ife you, ma'am. BELIN. Very well that's all 5- get you gone TIP. Yes, ma'am. BELIN. Mind what I have faid TIP. Truft to me BELIN. Don't forget a tittle TIP. No, ma'am. BELIN. Be fure you tell him how indifferent I am TIP. Leave all to me. BELIN. You fee, Tippet, I am quite uncon- cerned the barbarous wretch ! TIP. Oh ! yes, ma'am, 1 fee BELIN. ALL IN THE WRONG. 87 BE LIN. It is eafy to fee. that I am not all un- cafy You fee that 1 am very gay upon it (laughs affeftedly.} TIP. (Laughs} Yes, ma'am BEL IN. Falfe ! falfe Beverley !- Tell him I will never fee his face any more. TIP. I am gone, ma'am. BELIN. That upon no account will I ever exchange a word with him, hear from him, of him, or have any thing of any kind whatever to do with him TIP. I have my leffon, ma'am. (Going.) Enter a Servant. SERV. Mr. Beverley, madam. T i P. My lady won't fee his face any more. BELIN. Yes, I think, I will mew him in I will fee him once more, and tell him all myfelf You may withdraw, Tippet. TIP. Yes, ma'am ah! me has a hanker- after him ftill. [Exit. BELIN. Now will I upbraid him, now tell him his own, and Enter BEVERLEY. BEV. Belinda ! how gladly do I once again behold BELIN. And with what refentment have not I reafon to behold, Sir BEV. You have, Belinda ; you have reafon, I grant it but forgive the ram words my folly uttered BELIN. Oh ! Sir, miftake me not they are not your words I quarrel with , your actions, Mr. Beverley, your actions, Sir ! BEV. 88 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEV. They are not to be extenuated but furely, after the letter you honoured me with BEL IN. Sir, I have heard every thing fmce I was guilty of that folly. BEV. Heard ! what ? BELIN. Yes, diflemble if you will but this muft be the laft of our converting My maid will return you whatever I have received from you , and all my filly letters I muft beg you will let me have, and then vifit me no more, Sir BEV. Belinda ! you will not wound me thus Here is the picture which caufed that unlucky miftake between us 1 have recovered it from Sir John Reftlefs BELIN. From my Lady Reftlefs, Sir BEV. Madam ! BEL IN. Oh! fie, Sir no more 1 have done BEV. You muft, you muft accept it Thus on my knees I beg you will Will you, Belinda ? (takes her hand.} BELIN. Leave me, Sir let go my hand, Mr. Beverley your falmood, Sir BEV. My falfhood ! by all the BELIN. Your fallhood, Sir Sir John Reftlefs has told me all every circumftance- BEV. He has told yo,u ! What has he told ? his life mail anlwer it BELIN. How could you treat me thus? you have deftroyed my peace of mind for ever Nay, you yourfelf have forced me into the arms pf another BEV. What do 1 hear ? 3 BE- ALL IN THE WRONG. 89 BELIN. In obedience to the commands of a father, I have agreed to marry Mr. Bellmont. BEV. Mr. BelJmont ! him ! marry him! it is very well, ma'am, I expected it would come to this and my Lady Reftlcfs is only men- tioned on this occafion, as a retort for my accu- fation about Sir John I underftand it and, by heaven ! I believe that whole ftory BELIN. You do, Sir ! BEV. I do- Fool that I was to humble my- felf to you My pride is now piqued, and I am glad, ma'am as glad as you can be to break off for ever BELIN. Oh! Sir, I can be as indifferent on my part Then, Sir, you have only to fend me back my letters, and BEV. Oh ! agreed, agreed I'll go home this moment, and fend them all and before 1 go, ma'am, here is your own picture, which you had given me with your own hands. Mr. Bellmont will be glad of it or Sir John Reftlefs will be glad of it BEHN. Very like, Sir, (fakes the ptture} Tyrant, tyrant man ! to treat me in this barba- rous manner (cries.) BEV. Tears ! Belinda ! (approaching] Be- linda ! BELIN. No more of your infidious arts 1 will hear no more Oh ! my heart, my heart will break I did not think it was in your nature to behave as you have done j but farewel for ever [Exit. BEV. Belinda ! hear me butfpeak By hea- ven, my Lady Reftlefs She is gone 'sdeath ! I have been duped by her all this time ; I N will 9 o ALL IN THE WRONG. will now fummon up all that is man within me, and in my turn defpife her. Enter TIPPET. TIP. If you are going home, Sir, I will take the things with me now BEV. Yes, I am going I will leave this de- tefted TIP. This abominable place. Sir (laughing at him.} BEV. This hell ! TIP. Ha! ha! ay! Sir, this hell BEV. This manfion of perfidy, ingratitude, and fraud TIP. Very right, Sir, let us go BEV. And yet Tippet, you muft not ftir indulge me but a little it is all a mifunderftand- ing, this TIP. My lady will have no more to fay te thefe things BEV. Oh ! Tippet, ufe your intereft with her keep them in the houfe till I return I will dear up this whole matter prefently I muft not lofe her thus [Exit. TIP. Poor gentleman ! hefeems in a lament- able way Well, I fancy for my part he is a true lover after all -, that's what I do and my young lady r I fear, is Enter BELINDA. TIP. Madam, madam, madam, you are to blame you are, indeed . BELIN. Is he jgone ? TIP. Fie is, madam, BELIN', ALL IN THE WRONG. 91 BEL IN. Did he fay any thing ? was he uneafy ? did he carry it off with a TIP. Oh! ma'am, he went away fighing (hort, his heart throbbing, his eyes brimful, his looks pale you are to blame, you are, indeed, madam 1 dare be fworn he has never proved falfe. BEL IN. Oh ! Tippet, could I be fure of that TIP. But you are not fure of the contrary Why won't you fee my Lady Reftlefs ? fee her directly, madam ; go to her now before it is too late -, before the old folks, who are now putting their heads together, have fettled the whole af- fair do, dear ma'am, be advifed mall I or- der your chair ? BEL IN. I don't know what to fay I am afraid 1 love him ftill yes, I will fee my Lady Reft- lefs 1 will be thoroughly informed of the whole matter order my chair [Exit. TIP. Yes, ma'am ; I will, ma'am. [Exit. BELIN. If I mould lofe him thro' a mifappre- henfion of things, I fhall never be able to for- give myfelf ; and if rightly informed, the wprld combined mail not induce me to look upon him again. Enter BELL MO NT. BEL. Belinda, you have puzzled matters ftrangely ; you have involved your friend Cla- riffa, yourfelf, me, and every body, in the moft iniurmountable difficulties BELIN. Sir, the provocation I have had from Mr. Beveriey BEL. You wrong him, I am perfuaded you do j and fo you will find in the end But what M - can 92 ALL IN THE WRONG. can be done now ? the old people are fixed in their refolution, and fixed by your own rafh- nefs. BEL IN. What can I fay, Mr. Bellmont ? the agitation of my mind is fuch, between hope and doubt, and fear and refentment, that 1 know not which way to turn myfelf. If Beverley is falfe, if he is true, I am equally undone. Enter CLARISSA. CLA. So, Mr. Bellmont ! (angrily.} BEL. Oh ! ClarifTa, there have been fuch do- ings between your brother and me CLA. So I find, ma'am 1 met him as I came hither You have had fine doings, in- deed I have heard it all and you can be falfe to your promifes, ma'am, falfe to your friends and you too, Mr. Bellmonf, you can be falfe to all your engagements, Sir. BEL. Do me not that injuftice, Clariffa CLA. Oh ! Sir, don't imagine I am angry with you, or with you, madam you will be well paired I give ye both joy I am heartily glad, S:r, that I at length know you, I refign him to you, ma'am, 4 allure you I do BEL. Give me but a moment's leave BELIN. Upon my word, Clarifla CLA. And upon my word, ma'am BEL IN. Nay, but moderate your anger CLA. Anger! anger, indeed! I mould be ferry any thing that has happened were of confe- cjucnce enough to difturb my peace of mind- Anger' no, ma'am, I allure you Mr. Bell- mont, I dare fay, will be fully dderving of you ; anu you, madam, on your parr, will very am- ply deierve fuch a hufband "Anger, indeed ! BEL, ALL IN THE WRONG. 93 BEL. If you will but hear me a moment BE LIN. My dear Clarifia CLA. Oh ! my dear ma'am, you are a fincere friend I know, ma'am (with a fneer} but, my dear ma'am, don't ftand on ceremony BEL. Whatever has pafied, ClarifTa, I am not to blame I have ever been CLA. You have been falfe, Sir but you have my confent, I promife you BEL. But you won't hear me, BEL IN. No, me won't liften to a word 1 mean you no wrong, Clarifia Enter TIPPET. TIP. Madam, the chair is ready BELIN. Very well ! I won't lofe a moment now Clarifla, when I return, you will be better difpofed to hear me. CLA. Oh ! ma'am, there is no occafion. BELJN. Well! well! fufpend your judg- ment till I come back ; your iervant adieu. [Exit. CLA. Oh ! your fervant, ma'am Mr. Bell- mont, my brother, I promife you, will never forgive this injury BEL. If you will have but a moment's pa- tience CLA. Oh, Sir ! I fhan't want patience, don't imagine that I fhall be very patient, I promife BEL. Nay, but this is very ill-tempered one would imagine my lady Reftlefs had been fpeak- ing to you too this is like the reft of them ; downright jealoufy CLA. 94 ALL IN THE WRONG. CLA. Jealoufy! upon my word, Sir, you are of great confequence to yourfelf, but of none to me I aflure you, Sir, -jealoufy ! I ihall die with laughing at the thought but, before I go, I will write a line to Belinda to tell her all I know and think of her Mrs. Tippet will let me have pen, ink, and paper, above ftairs and as to you, Sir I have told you my mind already . Jealoufy !-~I can't help being diverted with the very notion of it your moft obedient, Sir. [Exit. BEL. What a deal of mifchief has a ftrange mifunderftanding of circumilances occafioned this day ! here comes my father now to per- plex matters if I canand fo gain at lead a little delay Enter Sir WILLIAM. Sir WIL. Well, George ! every thing is fet- tled BEL. But ft ill, Sir, I wifh you would confi- der Sir WIL. What, at your tricks again, lad ? BEL. You know, Sir, I am above even an at- tempt to deceive you but only reflect, Sir, this is but a forced content from the lady Sir WIL. What, going back from your word, George ? BEL. Not in the leaft, Sir-, but I am fure, if all circumftances were known to you, you your- felf would forbid the banns. Sir WIL. How! how! what's the matter, George ? - 1 forbid the banns! for what? BEL. Why, Sir, I am not fond of fpeaking detractingly of a young lady j but, for the ho- nour ALL IN THE WRONG. 95 nour of your family, Sir, let us defift from this match ; that's all, Sir. SirWiL. Roguery, lad! there's roguery in this. BEL. I fee you will force me to fpeak out there is a flaw in her reputation, Sir ; fhe is ble- miihed Sir WIL. Blemifhed ! BEL. Ay, Sir, blemifhed ; my lady Reftlefs, a very agreeable, worthy lady here in the neigh- bourhood, has difcovered an illicit commerce be- tween her and Sir John the whole charge is come to Beverley's knowlege, and, with tears in his eyes, with a bleeding heart, for he loved her tenderly, he has made his bow to her charms, and taken his final leave. Sir WIL. Ay ! lad is this true ? BEL. Too true, I allure you, Sir my lady will confirm it ; and fo now judge whe- ther Oh ! here comes Mr. Blandford take no notice to him, Sir -,-^ we need not be acceffary to her ruin ; it is a family affair, and fo let them patch it up among themfelves, as well as they can Sir WIL. If things be as you fay, George Enter BLANDFORD. BLAND. Supper will be ready immediately, Sir William odds heart ! my fpirits are above proof with joy, that this matter is fo happily fet- tled ; I am in love with my daughter for her compliance, and I fancy I mail throw in an odd thoufand more, to be fpent in the honey- moon Where is Belinda? BEL, 96 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEL. I -really can't lay, Sir; me is not at home. BLAND. Not at home ! What can be the meaning of that ? where could me go at this hour of night ? I am alarmed Sir WIL. She is not gone after this Beverley, I hope ! BLAND. If me is Tippet ! who anfwers there ? Enter TIPPET. BLAND. Where is Belinda ? TIP. Gone in a chair to Sir John Reftlefs- not far off, Sir ; juft bye here Sir WIL. Gone to Sir John Reftlefs ! BEL. You fee, Sir ! (to Sir William.'} BLAND. I did not think me had been ac- quainted there me has got fome freak in her head, I fear. Sir WIL. Why, it has an odd appearance this let us follow her thither this, mould be en- quired into. BLAND'. Ay! let us lofe no time let us fol- low her immediately ; come along Sir. WIL. I attend you, Sir come along, George BEL. I will but get my hat, in the next room, Sir, and follow you directly. Sir WIL. Very well I now I mail fee whether you have impofed upon your father [Exit. BELLMONT, alone. And now, Clarifla, now will I explain to you all my fufferings ; the very fentiments of my heart ALL IN THE WRON'G. 97 heart if my lady Refllefs perfifb in her accufa- tion, who knows what turn this affair may ftill take I will but fpeak to ClarirTa, and follow them inftantly. [Exit* SCENE changes to an Apartment at Sir JOHN'S. Enter TATTLE and BEVERLEY. TAT. This way, Sir, I will let Sir John know. EEV. I ftian't detain him long, you may fay. TAT. Very well, Sir. Lady REST. (Peeping in at the doer] I thought I heard Sir John talking with my maid. BEV. The bufinefs is preffing, or 1 mould not trouble him at this hour. TAT. Yes, Sir. Sir JOHN. (Peeping in at the 'lack f eerie] Did not I hear a man in difcourfe x with my wife !- fo fo fo he has got into my houfe again ! BEV. "Well ! only fay that my bufinefs is very urgent, that's all [Exit Tank. Sir JOHN. I dare fay it is and there me comes to you. Enter Lady RESTLESS. Lady REST. Well, Sir, have you heard any thing farther ? BEV. Sir John, has been with Belinda fmce I had ihe pleafure of feeing yon, ma'am. Lady REST. 1 make no doubt of it, Sir. BEV. And I am informed, that he has taken it into his head to fufpect me, madam, which is fo very unjuft, that O Sir 98 ALL IN THE WRONG. Sir JOHN. (Entering} Yes, Sir, I do fufpecl: you, and, Sir, this frequent haunting of my houfe BEV. Sir John Reftlefs, you have injured me in my love, in my honour, Sir, and Sir JOHN. Sir, you have injured me in my love and in my honour, Sir no not my love, for that is over I defpife her, fcorn her, reject her Lady REST. That is ever the way with thofe who have deferved contempt themfelves, Sir John. BEV. Sir, I muft beg to difcufs this affair with fome temperance, for it is of moment to me, and Enter BELINDA. Sir JOHN. (Running to meet her] There, ma- dam, there you find them both together, (Pointing at Beverly and lady Reftlefs.} Lady REST. Now, Sir ; you fee me comes to my very houfe after him, (pointing at Sir John and Belinda.} Sir JOHN. Now, madam, judge for yourfelf, (to Belinda.} Lady REST. Does this convince you, Sir, (to Beverley} BEL. Mr. Beverley ! 7 Both flaring at each BEV. Belinda ! other. BEV. By heaven \ I fear my information is right. BEL. Did you find them together, Sir, (to Sir John.} Sir JOHN. Found them together, madam !' BELIN. ALL IN THE WRONG. 99 BEL Then I am fatisfied "j Lady REST. Oh! thebafeman! / Each fpeak- SirJoHM. Abandoned woman ! | ing apart. BEV. Treacherous Belinda ! 1 Enter Mr. BLANDFORD, .and Sir WIL- LIAM. BLAND. Sir John Reftlefs, my lady Reft- lefs, 1 apprehend you are the gentleman, Sir, and you the lady, ma'am 1 came hither in queft of my daughter fo, Be- linda ! Lady REST. Are you her father ? BLAND. I am, madam, Mr. Beverley here too ! 1 fee how this is, Belinda you have eloped from your father, have you ? Lady REST. Eloped ! mind that Sir John, the thing is clear. BLAND. So I think it is and I mould be glad to know which of you encourages her to take this ftep. Lady REST. All Sir John's doings, Sir. BLAND. Sir John, I muft tell you Sir JOHN. Sir, let me allure you firft, there is no fuch thing. Lady REST. Heavens deliver me! how can you fay fo ? Sir, (to Blandford] I am very forry to fay any thing difagreeable to a father-of his daughter but, when my happinefs is deftroyed, ceremony is unneceflary, your daughter has made me miferable, Sir, BLAND. What? how? Lady REST. Sir John Reftlefs and Ihe, Sir I cannot fpeak, (cries. ) Oz BLAND. loo ALL IN THE WRONG. BLAND. Belinda! you will make your father wretched BE LIN. I make you wretched. Sir ! there is no action of my life Enter BELLMONT and CLARISSA. SirWiL. Sir John Reftlefs this is my fon, Sir he is interefted in this matter. George, things turn out as you told me, (afide to him.} BEL. I am forry for it, Sir. Sir JOHN. Mr. Blandford, you are father to this lady, Sir don't make ycurfelf uneafy ; for I will vouch for her innocence of my lady's charge againft her. Lady REST. He will deny every thing, no doubt but facts are too ftubborn, and ocular demonftration 1 have had. Sir Wi L. Ocular demonftration ! Lady REST. Yes, Sir j I have feen their fa- miliarities. Sir "* L George, take ClarifTa as foon as you will- Mr. "Blandford,- you will excufe me, if I dtcli e any turrher rrciuy with you < BLAND. Stay but a little till we hear the whole SirWiL. S : r, I defire to hear no more 1 am fatisfied, and mull defire not to marry my fon into your family ClarilTa yon have my confcntas foon as you pleafe my ion is at your fervicc BLAND. Then, Sir William, fince you pro- voke me, Sir, you Ihan't have my daughter. ' Mr. ALL IN THE WRONG. 101 Mr. Beverley, I no longer oppofe your jncli- nations, flie is yours Sir WIL. Do you flight my Ton, Sir ? you ufe me vtry ill and 1 would have you know BLAND, You lhall never refufe my daughter again, I promife you Sir Wi L. Nor fhall you my fon, Sir Here, George, take your ClarifTu. 1 give her away to you CLA. The gentleman has declared himfelf for that lady, and BEL. No, ma'am, that lady has no mare in my affedtions, and, in compliance with my father's in- junctions, thus let me feize your hand, and de- vote to you all my future days. BLAND. It's very well, Sir William, Mr. Be- verley, here is my daughter for you . Lady REST. Ay, now, if he will accept of her, I mail begin to think that I have been mif- taken and that all my fufpicions of the lady are without foundation But, I dare fay, the gen- tleman knows better W T hat do you fay, Sir ? will you marry the lady ? BEV. If that proof willfatisfy you, madam BELIN. Hold, hold, a moment Explain the bufmefs that brought you hither, Sir ; anfwerto Sir John's charge againft you Sir JOHN. Ay, Sir, anfwer that if me agrees to marry him, I fhall be fatisfied too But, Sir, my lady's being in pofieflion of your pidlure, your frequent vifits to my houfe, Sir, and other circumftances BEV. Sir, a word or two will clear that matter I had given a picture to this lady in the Park the, I find, dropped it when me tainted away BLAND. 102 ALL IN THE WRONG. BLAND. Did you faint, Belinda"? BELIN. I did, -Sir, immediately after you treated me in fuch fevere terms in the morn- ing Sir JOHN. And then it was I accidentally came to her relief, which my lady, according to cuf- tom, has conceived in the manner you fee. BLAND. And how came you by the picture, madam ? Lady REST. I found it in the very fpot where J faw your daughter in the Park. The truth be- gins to break in upon me [Afide. Sir JOHN. This opens my eyes a little [Afide. BLAND. And have you been ingenious enough, madam, to work up all thefe circumftances into a charge againft Sir John ha ! ha ! Sir JOHN. ' Tis ever her way, Sir I told you how ridiculous you would make yourfelf, my dear , ha ! ha ! You fee, what your fufpicions are come to at laft ha ! ha ! BEV. And you may fee, Sir John, what your fufpicions are come to I never was within your doors before this day i nor mould I perhaps have fpoke to my lady, had it not been for the mif- takes your mutual jealoufies occafioned between Belinda and me I cannot help laughing at the whole affair ha ! ha ! ha ! Sir JOHN. Sir, you may laugh but I have an- other complaint againft my Lady Reftlefs Lady REST. Sir John, Sir John, I have an- other charge againft you that jade whom you made an affignation with Sir JOHN. Oh ! madam, Robert knows that whole affair I'll bring him hither directly, and con- ALL IN THE WRONG. 103 convift you before the whole company [Exit. Lady REST. Artful, cunning man ! you (han't fpeak to him apart ; you Ihan't fuborn witneffes I'll purfue you gentlemen, let me intreat you to ftep this way you will be of great fervice. [Exit. BLAND. If we can be of any, madam [Exit. Sir WIL. Faith, I believe all this puzzle has arofe from their jealoufy ; let us fee the end of it [Exit. BEL. Now, Beverley, now Belinda, make good ufe of your time, and all will be v/ell ftill. [Exeunt Bellmont and Clarifla. BELINDA, BEVERLEY. BEV. I fee, I fee my rafhnefs BELIN. I have been deceived, I find BEV. If me would but forgive my folly [looks at her. BELIN. Whyddes he not fpeak tome ? I can't fpeak firft BEV. Belinda! BELIN. Mr. Beverley! (fmiles q/ide.) BEV. Don't you think you have been cruel to me, Belinda ? BELIN. Don't you think you have behaved worfe to me, Mr. Beverley ? BEV. I have ; I grant it ; Oh ! Belinda! [takes her hand. BELIN. (Without looking at him.} You firft dif- ordered my whole frame of mind, and can you wonder BEV. Oh ! my foul, my life, it was all my fault. (Throws his arm round her waift) do you forgive me ? BE- 104 ALL IN THE WRONG. BEL IN. (Leaning on bis Jhoulder) You knew the generofity of my temper, the fmcerity of my affection, how could you let an extravagance of temper Ib far get the better BEV. I blufh. for it do you forgive me ? BE LIN. (Drawing defer to him, and failing) No I hate you ! BEV. (Kiffing her cheek] Do you hate me, Be- linda? BELIN. Was it not unkind ? Was it not un- generous ? BEV. It was thus on my knees BELIN. Oh I proud man. have I humbled you once more ? Well, now you are on your knees, I forgive you Beg my picture back of me this moment \Jhews it to him. BEV. (Taking it} Oh ! I will adore it ever, and heal this breach with uninterrupted love Enter Sir JOHN, Lady RESTLESS, Sir WILLIAM, Mr. BLANDFORD, BELLMONT, and CLARISSA. Sir JOHN. Ha ! ha ! yes, faith, I fee we have both made ourfelves very ridiculous. Ha! ha Lady REST. I fee and acknowledge it. Sir JOHN. Egad ! I own it -, I can laugh at my own folly and my wife's too ha ! ha ! BLAND. Why yes, Sir John, you have been both terribly in the wrong, indeed ; but, Be- linda, don't you be in the wrong too accept of Mr. Be verky this moment. BELIN. If you infift upon it BLAND. I do infift upon it BET. ALL IN THE WRONG. 105 BEV. Thus let me take the bright reward of all my wifhes. BE LIN. Well, Sir, and now it's over 5 you have but commanded me to gratify my incli- nations, for we have both feen our error, and frankly confefs we have been in the wrong too. Sir WIL. Faith, I think we have been all fo ; Mr. Blandford, we mould not have oppofed their inclinations, when we had it in our power to make two fuch happy matches inftead of one BLAND. Very true ; and now I wifti the young folks all happinefs ; and, Sir John, I wifh you and your lady happy too Sir JOHN. Sir, it has been a day of miflakes, but of fortunate ones, I hope, and may tend to ail our advantage- My lady here will be taught Lady REST. Sir John, I hope you will be taught BLAND. Never mention what is pad the wrangling of married people about any lit&le mifconduct is only like the laming of a top ; it ferves to keep it up the longer. Sir JOHN. You are very right, Sir -, and as we have been all in the wrong this day, we will, for the future, endeavour to be "-All in the Right." {Here Lady Reftlefs talks apart with 'Belinda. BEV. A good propofal, Sir John-, we will make it our buiinels, both you who are married, and we who are entering into that ftate, by mutual confidence, to iniure mutual happinefs. P BE- 106 ALL IN THE WRONG. BELIN. A match, Mr. Beverley ; I fubfcribe to it i The god of love thinks we prophane his fire, When trifles light as air miftruft infpire. But where efteem and gen'rous pafiions fpring, There reigns fecure, and waves his purple wing ; Gives home-felt peace, prevents the nuptial ftrife, Endears the blifs, and bids it laft for life. FINIS. THE * SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, A COMEDY. As it is Performing at the THEATRE-ROYAL in COVENT-GARDEN, Subitum, et miferabile, longum Attendit Thymele; Thymele tune ruftica difcit. Juv- LONDON: Printed for P. VAILLANT, in the Strand. MDCCLXVII. [ Price One Shilling and Six Pence.] ADVERTISEMENT. THE following play was written above three years ago, and was foon after fliewn to fome of the principal performers of both houfes. It took its rife from Mifs EL- LIOT'S being advifed to revive The Country Wife for her benefit the firft feafon of her engagement at Covent-Gardeu theatre. That play, upon a review of it, appeared inad- miflible on account of the obfcenity which difcolours the whole. The author, or rather the compiler of the en- fuing fcenes, undertook to alter WYCHER LEY'S play for Mifs ELLIOT againft the following winter ; but hearing, in the mean time, that Mr. BICKERSTAFF had employed himfelf upon one of WYCHERLEY'S pieces, he made it his bufmefs to fee that gentleman, left this writer fhould inter- fere with a plan already pre-occupied. He found that the PLAIN DEALER had been Mr. BICKERSTAFF'S object, and that there was no danger of claming with the fcheme of any other author. Upon a clofer examination, therefore, of -The Country J^tfe, it was thought proper to dcfert it in- tirely, and to refort to MOLIERE, the original matter whom WYCHERLEY copied. The celebrated comedy of L'Ecole ties Femmes appeared too thin of bufmefs, confiftmg mottly in narrative. To fupply that deficiency the defign occurred of making MOLIERE himfelf fupply the requifite materials ; and for this purpofe L'ETOURDI and L'ECOLE DES MARIS were called in as .auxiliaries. Upon this idea the play was foon finiflied, and it confifts of characters, fituations, and bufmefs, from ihofe three plays, interwoven into one fable, with as much fkill as a little leifure in the fummer time would permit. With the profefled defign of condenfing what appeared to be the beft of three performances into one play, it was deemed unnecefTary to fupprefs any one fcene of true nature, merely becaufe the author of High Life below Stairs, and fome other Englifh writers, might occalionally be traded "in the fnozu of Motiere. The ADVERTISEMENT. The play, when finished, was given to Mifs ELLIOT, and it fo happened, that {he had no opportunity of producing it ^ill this feafon. When in September laft, her bargain both for herfelf and the play was in agitation with Mr. BEARD, the author of thefe {hcets was aftcniflied to hear that The Country Girl was actually in rehearfal at Drury Lane, and that the parts had been given out in the fumrner, nay, as fajl as they were written. This, it muft not be difiembled, looked like a defign of frrejlading the market ; efpecially as it was underftood, that Mifs ELLIOT and the SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, had been offered the fpring before to the ma- nager of Drury Lane, upon his own terms. A remonftrancewas immediately made to Mr. GARRICK, purporting that he, who had long been a manager of a fuccelsful theatre, was going to enter into a competition with a young aftrefs for the pro- fits of a play. A meeting enfued, where a gentleman of the firft character for probity and genius, was lo obliging as to. be the arbitrator. Mr. GARRICK there protecting, that he never heard of Mifs ELLIOT'S play till within a few days j it was thereupon determined, that it was, in that cafe, an accidental clafhing, but that a c'efign of firef ailing would have been illiberal and unhanufome. This laft point of ho- nour Mr. GARRICK feemed to learn upon this occafion. Both parties were, in ccnfequence, left to purfue their own interefb. And now the present writer will difmifs THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, after faying, that he com- pofed it with the moft difmterefted principle ; and that, if if prove in any degree conducive to the fervice of a young a&refs, or the public entertainment, he has all the reward be ever propcftd to himfelf. K. B. An entire f:ene in the fecond aft, page 30. has been omitted face the fi*'Ji reprefentation^ and ivould have been discarded from this edition, but that the greaiefi part cf ti. was printed, before it uai a fled. PROLOGUE, Spoken by Miss ELLIOT. MAY I intrude upon your patience for a minute ? Ladies and gentlemen, before the opening of the play, Jult toexcufean accident, which, I hope has nomifchief in it, I fain, if you'll permit, a word or two would iay. I hope you'll not be angry j but we've goc no prologue for to night ; And fo I thought it was beft to come and tell ye all the truth downright. I went to Mr. Po.~r, and 1 fpoke to him all I could, But he faid he had not leifure, tho' i know it's in his power if he would. " A prologue, ma'am," fays he! " Yes, Sir, a prologue if you pleafe." And then I did fo entreat the man, and beg, and pray, and teaze. I told him, * You know, Sir, what a miferable plight we all are in, To frown upon the performers, when pit, box, and gallery begin ; Whu go the catcalls dub dub dub each dreadful muck's ftick Prolog* throw him over won't ye ha fome orange chips Prologue Cries o' London Mulick ! " All this and more I faid, but he, determin'd ftill, In formal fuftian thus declar'd his will. " Oft have I tried" [feems puzzled'jfomethlng about hisftile, And how he felt the Town's indulgent fmile. " Were I again to try my fcanty vein,. I'd beg protection for the feeble ftrain. But then to fue he paus'd and rubb'd his head T To fue when fam'd MOLIERE the ftage doth tread, C Were to prophane the manes of the dead. j MOLIERE, of old, and ftill with rapture feen, Was legiflator of the comic fcene. To bid his SIMPLE GIRL aflert the ftage, And if (he pleafes, ftrive to mend the age, This was my motive ; this my only aim ; Heedlefs of gain ! no candidate for fame ! An PROLOGUE. An audience will weigh all in equal fcales, For juftice, and not party, there prevails." Thus (poke Mr. Poet, and then with long fteps march'd away 5 And now I am left alone to apologize for offering you this night's play. We'll drive to make you laugh, if our aim be not perverted ; Pray, how d'ye find yourfelves ? Are ye in good humour, and willing to be diverted ? If you approve, The Rofciad Scrilller then no more I'll dread, Who points his malice at a woman's head ! Who drop by drop his venom doth diftil, While MOTHER-DULLNESS guides the hireling's quill. Lull'd in her lap, ftrange wonders he defcries, Anel TERENCE fetms a Fienchmao/o his eyes I From thence he iflues foul decrees on plays, Adorns with fcandal, and lampoons with praife. One fmile from you defeats the fland'ret's aim j His calumny, like your APPLAUSE, is fame. From your applaufe our mimic glories rife j In pleafing )ou my whole ambition lies. EPILOGUE. Spoken by Miss ELLIOT. T" Adies, your fervant Servant, gentlemen all Ly The fame good folks to you both great and fmall. Here's MARY ANN again : but that an't fair. To jeer a fimple girl you might forbear. Who knows, fince married, tho' you laugh and gaze, But WARY ANN may learn your London ways ? May ape your fafhions, fince you've {hewn her how ? And drop the mafk at once as I do now. Thus you behold, whatever the condition, To new extremes how eafy the tr^nfition. Tis fo thro' life : to town from country fairs The clown comes up, and gapes, and laughs, and flares ! Give him a liv'ry, whims unknown before ! 7 Ke learns his rajafter's follits to do o'er ; r lie drinks, turns coxcomb, and belts five to four. 3 Pray, 7 EPILOGUE. Pray, may I, ladies, touch your tnodifti life, And (hew good fenfe and fafhion there at ftrife ? ** Oh ! do Mifs Elliot, fays a prude with foite, Pull 'em to pieces ; bring their faults to light } Pulling to pieces is my dear delight." XVhy then each fair one feems a dift'rent creature From what (he's meant, and travefties her nature. Proud of defects, FLIRTILL A fwims along, Politely weak, and elegantly wrong. Thro' the gay round of time her only care To fix the patch, and guide a ftraggling hair. Lady CAMILLA, form'd to feize the rein, To rival John, and fmaclc along the plain ; In London fickens with diflembkd airs, And " help me rhelp me up thefe odious flairs.'* Nature's beft gifts we all with pride difclaim ; We lifp, we totter, deaf, and blind, and lame. The tongue indeed we women ne'er confine ; Scandal's too dear a pleafute to refign. Scandal, and cards, tea, mirth, and fplcen, a ball, Comus ! the monkey too ! and there's the life of all. A life of whim ! till from the faded eye, And wither'd form, the trembling graces fly. There's a true picture ! how do ye like it, ladies ? How is the light? and how do ye think the (hade is ? A copy hence our fimple girl may make ; Unlefs flie fliould this wifer counfel take, Be rul'<3 by reafon for your beauty's fake. Reafon {till gives to radiant eyes their grace, JVarrerfs imperial milk for ev'ry face* Beauty, ye fair, may forge the lover's chain ; But the mind's charms your empire muft maintain. Dramatis Perfonae. SIR THEODORE BRUMPTON, YOUNG BRUMPTON, BELLFORD, OLDCASTLE, LOVIBOND, BRISK, PETER, MARY ANN, HARRIET, BRIDGET, Mr. WALKER. Mr. WOODWARD- Mr. SMITH. Mr. SHUTER. Mr. DUNSTALL. Mr. DYER. Mr. MORGAN. Mifs ELLIOT. Mifs WlLFORD. Mrs. MAHON. Scene LONDON. THE School for Guardians, COMEDY. A C T I. Enter Sir Theodore, and Brumpton. Sir Theodore. "OUT I won't be told ; I won't rea- fj fon about it ; I won't be anfwered 5 1 won't hear a word. Brumpton. I have done, Sir you have proved id to demonftration, by the fame fort of logick that was ufed by one of the wits of Charles the lid's, time to his dog, when he was too lazy to beat him, " I wifh. you well married, and fettled in the country" Sir Theodore. There again now ; don't enrage me; I have fome whimfical humours about me, that Jec me tell you, Sir and I can be very peremptory, if I pleafe What ? when my neighbour Strickland and I have agreed the matter ! a young lady with a fair fortune in hand, and feven hundred a year in expecl:- ancy, as pretty a reverfion as any in Hampfhire ! and am I now to be told, " She does not fuit my tafte, me is not hand fome ?" and fo I am to be B wafting 2 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, wafting my breath with you, about a comple&icn, a nofe, and a lip ! Brumpton. If you would but leave thofe matters to me, Sir Sir Theodore. But I tell you no ; I won't leave thofe matters to you Beauty is the laft thing I defire to fee in my family Your mother, peace be to her, was as ugly a woman as you fhall fee in a fummer's day ; and what 'do you think I married her for ? for your good, Sir for the good of my children Brumpton. And pray, Sir, which of ye does this fide- box face of mine take after ? Sir Theodore. You fhall take nothing after me, that you may depend upon, unlefs you prove obedient to my will and pleafure. I'll not leave you a foot of Jand ' Brumpton. I hope you'll live to enjoy it yourfelf, Sir Sir Theodore. I'll give my fortune to found a new- college, where it is not wanted Brumpton. I hope you'll Jive to enjoy it yourfelf, Sir. Sir Theodore. I'll cut you off with a fhilling to buy you an halter Brumpton. I hope you'll live to enjoy it yourfelf, Sir Sir Theodore. I hope I fhall, tho' you fay it with a fort of a dry look between juft and earner! But don't talk to me of beauty again j I never knew any good come of it ; beauty is like fine fruit, only fit to draw a parcel of flies about it Brumpton. And fo I muft fet my teeth on edge with crab- tree apples But where would be the harm, Sir, if purely for the good of my family, I were to marry a lady of fome (hare of beauty, only juft to crofs the ftrain a little, and fettle a ihape and a feature upon the ifTue of our marriage ? S.r Theodore. Settle your wife's fortune upon 'em Look ye, Sir ; my purfe- firings will never open, 1 not A C O M E D Y. 3 not a (hilling of my money mall you touch, till you pay your refpefts to Mifs Strickland now you know my refolution What a graceleft look there is ! ruin yourfelf if you will follow your own courfes, Sir, [Exit. Brumpton. Your moft obedient very humble fer- vant, Sir, you may depend that I mall chufe for myfelf Brifk ! why don't you anfwer, firrah! Why Brifk! Enter Brifk. Brumpton. We have been pretty handfomely lec- tured here this morning, Brilk ! Brijk. Yes, Sir, we have had wherewithal to edify by i fuppofe, we mall lie at Tom Tilbury's at Bag- fhot to-night, Sir Brumpton. W T here ? Brijk. Tom Tilbury's, Sir only juft to break the neck of our journey, for 1 fuppofe now, you'll drop all thoughts of this other lady I forget her name Ay ! mifs Mary Ann Rich ley She has no chance* now, I reckon, Sir Brumpton. Why, you fenfelefs numlkull ! as fure as I am Charles Brumpton, Efq; flic fliall be Mrs. Brumpton ; and upon the death of my very good fa- ther, fhe'll be a baronet's lady, that's all Brijk. And yet there is fome truth in what Sir Theodore fays Beauty is but a frail perimable fort of a commodity ; and if you are difinherited for it, the lady's charms will not pay your poor fervant, Brifk* his board-wages ; a feature, or a fmile can't go to market ; a pawn-broker will lend nothing upon the tip of an ear : though indeed me may mortgage her perfon ; but that I take it will be for her own advan- tage ; we (hall get nothing but a comely pair of horns by it, Sir, with fubmiflion Brumpton. Why you talk a frothy kind of nothing at a tolerable rate, Brifk B 2 4 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Thrift. I have fhewn you one fide of the medal, now behold the reverfe, Sir - When you marry an ugly woman, there is no great pleafure in beholding her, and to be Cure when you look at her, you'll be apt to murmur to yourfelf for all purpofes of joy one may cut as defirable an objedl out of an old tapeftry-hanging - but then the woman has fome valuable parchments, fuch as kafes, bonds, and mortgages ; and I, Sir, (hall live in tolerable plight with you, which to fo good a matter - . Brumpton. Leave prating, firrah, and do as I or- dered you put on your farmer's drefs, go directly to the object I adore let her know you are come from her guardian in the country, and have his or- ders to take her home under your care convey her fafe to my arms, and I (hall reward you- Brijk. But, Sir - Brumpton. No arguing with me about it ftreight - Brijk. You Know how many blanketings and blows I have fuflfered in your fervice, Sir Sirrah, no words go and fee who's at the door - Bri/k. You have marred many an excellent plot of mine, Sir you know you cannot help meddling, when I undertake a fcheme - If you'll promiie me, Sir, not to Brumpton. Will you fee who's at the door ? Brijk. I am gone, Sir - [Exit. Brumpton. Ha ! ha ! I mail moft certainly carry her off - How Sir Theodore will be aftonifhed when he finds fhe is an heirefs ! - Ha ! ha ! it is the pleafanteft adventure - Enter Beiford. Belford. Brumpton, good morrow ! - always in fpirits, I fee. Brumpton. My dear Belford, nothing deprefles my fpirits --though you thought they were too high laft night, and were for letting me a little blood. Death! man, ACOMEDY. 5 man, you make nothing of difplaying anfll of fword- blade in defence of your miftrefs's top-knot. Bdford. Why you know 1 love too tenderly to bear the teft of raillery- -it is the infirmity of my temper ; why would you put me to it ? Brumpton. And you that know my turn of mind, why would you be angry with mef I am happily a follower of the laughing philofopher Eel ford. Po ! prithee, man, don'c be fuch a cox- comb. Brumpton. Prithee, don't you be fo morofe, fo four, fo difcontented a fphit But if in your phrafe I am a coxcomb, with all my heart, i'faith : but take this along with you what you mean as a term of reproach, I receive as a compliment to the materials nature has been pleafed to compound in this happy frame of mine Belford. Po ! Po ! running on at the old rate If felf-applaufe be philofophy, you have a comfortable fhare. Brumpton. I have, Sir, and while my happinefs is, preferved by it, keep you the gravity and good fenfe, that make you too refined to be pleafed, too wife to be merry, and too knowing to be contented. I am in a fair way to be fuccefsful, without any trouble at all ; you are likely to be mod fcurvily difappointed after a world of pains An humble bow, which my dancing-mafter taught me, while I laughed at hirr, a faihionable eoat, for which, if my taylor is ever paid he will laugh at me, -an intriguing (huff-box,- and an apt valet de chambre, all thefe make love for me, Belford. And you aflume the merit of the con- queft Brumpton. Oh! yes, when the trouble is over, I take the reward. Did you ever know a general officer, who, when the horfe and the foot, and the right and left wing have carried the day for him, did not claim to himfelf both the honour and the booty ? B 3 But 6 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIAN'S, But you make a toil of a pleafure love, which to me is a fcene of delight, to you is a drudgery i your temper grows as four, as a prude's when the fermon is long , and as hot as a Welfhman's, if you laugh at his pedigree ; or a profeffed (harper's, if you doubt his honour, after he has cogged the dice, and picked your pocket of ycur money. Betford. Why I own I am piqued, and naturally. If any friend of mine, out of mere fpleen, fpeak de- tracting! y of the perfon I admire : it were bafe infi- delity in love not to defend her, when (he is difpa- raged my every thought is dedicated to her. Abfent 1 fee her, hear her, and my imagination gloats for ever on her charms. Br.tm*ton t And you are fo eafily alarmed, that little difficulties are the Alps and Pireneans in your way Now my faith in thefe matters removes mountains But Indeed in all things we are oppofite characters If a tradefman brings you in a bill and prefTes for payment, " 'Sdeath! does the fcoundrel doubt my honour ? does * he mean to affront me ?" Now I, when my father fuffered me to be arrefted, went cheerfully into con- finement, and diverted myfelf for three weeks together with the bum-bailiff's character In the bufinefs of our fofttr paflions, the fame humour purfues us you write ftudied letters to your Dulcinea, I am written to ; you figh, I fingi you fret I am gay ; you, Upon a difappoinnment, " Furies, death, and rage " there is no enduring this life is grown a burden *' damnation!" I burft into a laugh, and what a whimfical world we live in ha! ha! But come, I will hear your melancholy ftory, Well, the old dragon I fuppofe watches the Hefperian fruit. Beifird. He does, Sir he keeps her locked up as a rniler does his gold, not to be ma ie ufe of till his death, and then to fall into hands that won't know the value of it Its love's laft fhift with me -, (he is inaccefiible, and her guardian, old Lovibond, pro- pofes to marry her himfclf, Sr um ft on. ACOMEDY. 7 Brumpton. And fo, like the tyrant of old, intends to tack a living and dead body together. Belford. Even fo my dear Brumpton, there mould be an act of parliament to hinder thefe old fellows from flopping the propagation of the fpecies. Brumpton. You are too hard upon 'em they are feldom guilty of that milchiei' j I have known 'em have twins at a birth -, that is, when fome fuch cox- comb as myfelf gives them a helping hand , and then the old fellow cocks his hat upon it, and totters about fo vigoroufly, wondering how the babes refem- ble him in every particular ; whilft the mother knows, that fne followed the example of the Grecian painter, and took a feature from every one of her acquaint- ance. If he prevents your marrying her, take your revenge that way. Belford. Prophanation ! her virtue, Sir betides the world could never repair the lofs her heart I am fure is mine I ufed to vifit there but now no admittance ; an evidence on the crown fide in a mef- fenger's hands is not better fecured. Brcmpton. Now my bufinefs goes on without ahy trouble or difficulty. My old dragon is in the coun- try, and has left his fair ward, the fweeteft girl, my dear Bel ford. Belford. You defcribed her yefterday but few re- moves from a downright idiot. Brumpton- Pardon me (he is fimple indeed But fuch a fimplicity ! It juft ferves to (hew that in- juftice has been done her in her education, but in her every turn me gives fuch tokens of fenfibility ! She has beauty without knowing it ; certain wild graces, rather than accomplifhments, and talents inftead of fenfe. Belford. Po ! Po ! a mere ruftic beauty. Brumpton. There now, derogating from her merit, and yet I am calm ! the truth is me has been brought up in the country, and wickedly kept in ignorance, B 4 that S THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, that me might fall an eafy prey to her guardian But I have railed a fp ; rit in her. Belford. And how the devil did you gain accefs to her ? Brumpton. I was going to tell you Old Neftor's out of town, and has left her in the care of the two verieft fimpletons that ever whiftled for want of thought at a country fair But gold, Sir, gold, that fpeaks all languages, and adapts itfelf to all capacities, has pleaded rnoft eloquently for me But, come, I pofitively muft leave you. Belford. Nay, if it muft be fo Brumpton. My dear Belford, Cupid direct your arrows I fee her every day, and all the day, And every day is ftill but as the firft, So eager am I ftill to fee her more. [Exeunt. SCENE a Street. Enter Lovibond and Oldcaftle. Lovibond. And fcut this moment returned, Mr. Oldcaftle ! Oldcaftle. Juft this moment ftepped out of the machine' Lovibond. Well ! and now I fuppofe you have prudently laid afide all thoughts of matrimony. Oldcaftle. Ka! you are a comical man, brother Lo- vibond, I have taken my meafures j to-morrow makes me a bridegroom, and my fair ward Mils Jvlary Ann, a bride Lovibo,nd. And a little time will make you Oldcaftle. Happy tho', by that fignificant look, you have your doubts. Lovibond. I have Sir I have a fhrevvd guefs that Oidcaftle. Then you'll be out in your guefs< Lovibond. I wilh your horns a'n't out firft Q!dc*ftle. ACOMEDY. 9 Oldcaftls. Well faid, and without any apprehenfion for yourfelf , you are ftill determined to marry Mary Ann's fifter Harriet I fuppofe. Lovibond. That's quite another bufinefs; what I do, is no rule for your actions Qldcc.ftle, Jt is as I ever faid each man is ftill look- ing at the hump upon his neighbour's back, but never thinks of cafting an eye over his own moulder I warrant me now you, in your grand climacteric, will Tell me I am old Lovibond. Full ten years before me in the race of life befides, you are an old batchelor 5 a ftranger to the ways of wedlock I am enured to the fervice your fifter, Mr. Oldcaftle, could have toW you what a defperate good hnlband I was But, lack a day I- you begin late -mercy on your forehead, fay I, mercy on your forehead ! Oldcajtle. Ha ! ha ! how blind fome people are when they have taken a thing in their heads ! ha ! ha! Lovibond. Well! well! laugh on but you that, have been for ever a cenfor of your neighbours, for ever fleering and jibing at the married life Otdcaftle. And a pleafant topic it is '.Why matri- mony affords a little comedy in every family one knows But the education 1 have given Mary Ann Lovibond. Is the word in the world O'dtaftle. The very beft ! I have trained her up in plain fimplicity woman's wit teems with contriv- ances to difgrace her hufband yet you would educate Harriet in this profligate town ! Lovibond. Ay, and I have taught her to know right from wrong. Oldcaftle. Right from wrong ! you have ruined the girl have not you indulged her in every whimfy this fertile town affords ? Lovibond. I have ihewn her the world Oldcaftle. Have not you carried her to plays ? To fee folly ridiculed Oldcaftle. jo THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle. To profligate comedies ? Lovibond. The ftage is the fchool of virtue Oldcajlle. The fchool of fin and impudence ! Lovibond. Where vice undergoes the laih of fa- Oldcaftle. Where vice is made alluring, provok- ing Lffuibond. Where young ladies may learn Oldcaftle. The ufe of dark-clofets, back-ftairs, and ladders of rope. hovibond. Where they may learn to put on the veil of modefty. Oldcaftls. To put on the breeches, and efcape from their guardians ! Lovibond. Where they are taught to refpect grey- headed authority ! Oldcaftle. To make a cuckold of authority ! I know the ways of 'em all ! their cards, routs, operas, Soho-afTemblies, all contrivances to excite cu- riofity, kindle defire, prompt inclination, and fend 'em ail dancing a jig to deftruction. Lovibond. Common-place invective ! Harriet will know how to avoid Oldcaftle. She will know how to deceive you Lov'ibond. She will have too much honour Oldcaftk. She will have too much wit now Mary Ann has no wild notions, and of courfe no dangerous curiofity. Lovibond. Her curiofity is to come (he'll fall a prey to the firft powdered coxcomb that bows to her Oldcaftk, Her fimplicity will preferve her Lovibond. But when the ferpents of this town be- gin to whifper in her ear Oldcajlle. They'll have no opportunity She is fnug in a little box of an houfe, which I have taken in the name of Mr. Biddulph. 1 have another lodging in my own name, where I do bufinefs. Nobody will fee her j and when the nine day's wonder is over, I fliall A C O M E D Y. ii I mall pack off to the country, and fo efcape from impertinence. Lovibond, Well ! well ! I can't but laugh at your fyftem of education ! ha ! ha ! Marry her if you will ;- and then on account of your age and infirmi- ties, you may do the bufmefs of your office by de- puty Ha ! ha ! a plan of fimplicity ! Oldcaftle. Brother Lovibond, a good day to you - I wifh you fuccefs Ha! ha ! a town-education for a young girl !." . [Exit. Lovibond alone. Ha ! ha ! poor man tottering to bed to a young wife I'll go home to my own Harriet Enter Belford. Bdford. 'Sdeath and confufion ! my dull brain can devife nothing hey ! is not that old Argus Centoculi with all his eyes out ? Mr. Lovibond, a fight of you what have you been out of town ? , Lovibond. No, the builders are carrying the town out of town I think, and fo, a body need not move out of London for country air Belford. How charmingly you look ! Lovibond. What you call a green old age I am not like the young rakes about this town, who decay in their prime, and are four (core at five and twenty. Belford. Ay ! you have lived upon the intereft of your conftitution, and have not out-run the princi- pal I have had the honour of knocking at your door feveral times Lovibond. [afide.'] I know it* Belford. But no body at home Lovibond. [ajtde. J I know that too Belford. I want to lofc a little more money to you at back-gammon . I have left it off 12 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Be/ford. Well ! well ! I'll come and eat a bit of mutton with you How ftand you for to-day ? Lovibond. What an hurry he is in ? [afide\ \ have .^n unlucky engagement Belford. Well ! I'll take a morfel of fupper Lwibond. Well pulhed ! [afide.~\ I have left off fuppers Selferd. So bed I'll be with you at breakfaft in the morning Lovibond. I have taken to breakfafting at the coffee- houfe One meets with very fenfible people at the coffee-houfe, and hears men praifed for being out of place, and abufed for being in place, and a huge deal of news, that's very entertaining in the morning ; and all a damned lie in the evening. Your fer- vant Belford. But the fair Mifs Harriet how does me do? Lovibond. There he has touched the right firing at Jaft [afide\ I'll let her know how kind you are. [going. Belford. Nay, don't fly fo foon I am to give you ioy, I hear you are to make Mifs Harriet happy, I underhand. Lovibond. Oh ! no , they talk at random Belford. Yes, yes ; come, you have taught her all her accomplishments, and are now to teach her the art of love ha ! ha ! Mr. Lovibond Lovibond. I profefs no fuch thing. [&* Btlford. Yes, yes, come mail I dance at your weddingv you'll truft her with me in a country dance, and fee that lovely bofom heave in fweet did- ordef, and rife as if it wooed your hand to touch it, e'er it fails again Lovibond. Ha! ha! you talk loofely Belford. Then when mufick wakens every gentler paflion, and the fprightly romping has called forth all her bloom ; then you'll lead her off, confenting trem- bling, doubting, blufhing Lovibond. Ha! ha! ha! Belford. A COMEDY. 1$ Belford. Ha! ha! come, I'll go and dine with you " The world muft be peopled, you know" Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Exeunt together laughing. Enter Oldcaftle. Qidcaftls. Well! well! let him be obftinate, if he will I nuift flep, and fee how Mary Ann has fared thefc ten days, fince I have been in the country. - Let me fee, what's o'clock ? Enter Brumpton. Brumpton. How her old gaoler will look when he returns to town, and finds me has broke prifon ! 1 mail be deemed the very Machiavel of intrigue ! -Hey ! is not that Mr. Oldcaftle ? Oldccftte. Mr. Brumpton ! I rejoice to fee you Brumpton. My dear friend, you are come in the very crifis of my fate, in that dear extatic moment, when to the natural vivacity of a gay, giddy tem- per like mine, ten thoufand circumftances confpire to lift me to the upper regions of delight, which, toge- . ther with the felicity of encountering the only man in the world, that I muft take breath I am faint with blifs- -it is too much Oldctflle. Ay ! your fever is pretty high, I fee- recover your fenfes a little and tell meat your leifure what is this mighty bufmefs Brumpton. Oh! bufmefs of fuch a nature the Gods are now in council upon it, I expect Mercury every moment in the fhape of my man Brifk, to let me know that the nectared fweets that dwell upon the lips of a certain lady are intended for a wild un- thinking coxcomb, as the world is pleafed to call me Oldcaftle. To be fure you arc in requeft among the ladies, no doubt -Now will he lie like an at- torney's clerk \afidt\ You are going to help fome worthy gentleman to an heir to his eftate, I warrant Brumpton. 14 THE SCHOOL FOB. GUARDIANS, Bruwptcn. I have done fome fervice in that way i but the truth is, I am now going to help my father to a grandfon. Oldcajlle. Going to be married ! Brumpton. This day may perhaps crown my joys fome certain Tumblers at this end of the town, who were a little alarmed at the proportions of this leg, intend to light their windows upon it ; the court of aldermen are preparing all demonftrations of joy ; and their unhappy wives are going into dtep mourn- ing upon the occafion ! . Oldcaftle. The fame confident fop he ever was ! well, and my friend Sir Theodore, what fays he to all this ? Brumpton. You know his way ; the fame old crab- ed humour he has made a match for me elfe where with one that I would not deny the lady her merit (he preferves pickles well, and is a very notable keeper of accounts the woman will do very well of a long winter's evening to fay, Blefs you when you fneeze but Oldcajlle. She has a fortune, I prefume Brumpton. Does not want acres Oldtaftle. And you prefer one without any Brumpton. You miftake me! me's an heirefs ; it is not clear that me is of age, but as foon as (he comes to years of difcretion Oldtaftle. Then fhe may play the fool as faft as (he Brumpton- By chufing me, you think, fhe will give a fpecimen of her folly. -^-Ha! ha! I have pafled many hours with her of late ; fhe is beautiful as an angel Now, my dear Sir, you can do me the moft eflential fervice you have great influence over Sir Theodore, I dare not break this matter to him myfelf, but a word from you Oldcaftle. And has me really an eftate? Brumpton. A very fine one ; a large number of acres, and a coal-pit upon one of the manors i Oldcajlle. A C O M E D Y, 15 Oldcaftle. I profefs I like your tafte ha ! ha ! The coal-pit whitens her Ikin, and fhe may hereafter wear a few of her own acres in each ear I will fee my old friend about this, and will pofitively promote your welfare. He (hall agreee to it, and But how di>I you bring this about, pray ? Brumpton. An old way that I have I came, faw, and conquered I faw her at her window fuch blooming fweetnefs ! Her eyes were through my heart at once-- -love infpired me with due courage Oldcaftlc. That was right a bold ftroke for a Brump'on. I drank tea with her the very next even- ing I mull indeed admit, that her underftanding is not the mod accomplimed - Oldcaftle. So beft never marry a wit - Brumpton. She is at prefent rather in a ftate of igno- rance ; but from thofe blue eyes me occafionally darts fuch glances, as befpeak a mind fufceptible of the higheft refinement. Oldcaftle. Where does (he live ? Brumpton. In the very next ftreet Oldcaftle. What that ftreet there ? Brumpton. Yes, that under the care of the verrieft muck-^orm Oldcaftle. He means me, I fear [qfide.] and her name, pray - Brumpton. Mifs Mary Ann Richley Oldcaftle. Wounds! what a difcovery here is ! [afide. Brumpton. Her guardian's name is Biddulph per- haps you may know him - Oldcaftle. No, not I the young rake-hell ! [afide. Brumpton. He means to abufe his truft, and con- fine youth and beauty within the arms of age and uglinefs. There's an old rogue for you ! Does not he deferve to be hanged ? Oldcaftle. What a young villain ! [aftde. Brumpton. I beg your pardon I did not hear Oldcaftle. i6 THE SCHC5OL FOR GUARDIANS, Qldccftle. I am feized with an ugly fit of cough-' ing \cough s,~\ But you mould confider the mar- riage-acl: is very ftrift, and requires the confent of prudent people Brumpton. Po ! that's nothing abufe Scotland as they will, it enables us to evade the laws of Eng- land. My dear Mr. Oidcaftle, you have promifed me you'll fpeak to my father Oidcaftle. Ay ! I'll keep my word He fhall cer- tainly know how you are going on I'll do you that good turn, you may depend Brumpton. My dear good friend, it is fo lucky that 1 met with you Oldcajile. I am heartily glad I met you, indeed Brumpton. Well now, adieu ! Oh ! but I forgot to tell you She'll be mine this very day. Brifk, rny fellow, who is a footman of talents, is to go to her as a tenant from the country, come to town with old Biddulpb's commands to carry her down with him in the fly. She is fo fimple me will believe it ; and the oafs about her will bite like gudgeons and fo ha ! ha ! I kindle into rapture , I mufl fly to know the happy tidings and fo fare ye well you'H fpeak to my father Oidcaftle. I'll do for you there Brumpton. A million of thanks to you Ha ! ha ! is not this a charming adventure ? Ha ! ha ! Did you ever know fo happy a rogue ? [Extt. Oidcaftle. [alone.'] I never knew fo abandoned a young profligate, nor fo damned an adventure ! If the fellow is lurking about my doors, I'll fwear a robbery againft him If I get fight of him, I'll de- fcribe him from head to foot ; and fwear he dole a horfe in Northamptonfhire I have not a moment to lofe, and then, my young madam, bag and baggage away into the country. of the Firfi ACT. ACT A C T- II. Enter Brumpton. HO ! ho ! ye powers of laughter, you will fhake me to pieces one day or other ! Poor Brifk!-~ \vhat a jade's trick madam Fortune has play'd him! He writes me here [going to read.'] All the poor devil's ill ftars mud have been combined againft him! Enter Belford. Belford. Yes, all my ill ftars are combined, fure enough ! Oh! Brumpton ! I have feen her guardian, that iuperannuated iniquity ! but he defeats my hap- pinefs, and crofles all my fchemes. Brumpton. You were admirably employed, my dear Belford Ha ! ha ! " Cato's a proper perfon to entruft a love-tale with." Belford. You mirth is unfeafonable, Sir, Brumpton. Nay, if you will run about like a great hoy to catch old birds with chaff, when you ought to ieize the young unfledged one in its neft ; why the confequence will be, that, like a great blubbering boy, you'll come back with your finger in your eye, 4t I don't know what to do I can't catch it I can't Belford. 'Sdeath ! infulted thus draw, Sir Brumpton. Ntt I, truly I am other wife dilpofed Belford. Defend yourfelf, or I'll difpofe of you Brumpton. Well ! kill me, if you will I'll die laughing like Pierre in the tragedy- C Belford. j 8 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Bclfcrd. Po ! your mcannefs and your folly make you unworthy of my fword Bnimpton. Ay ! that's right and now in due form, what has provoked you ? Be/ford. 'Sdeath! Sir, becaufe your affairs are in a tolerable train, am I to be made your fport ? Oh ! you don't know what it is to be difappointed in the tendercft paffion B rump ton. But I am difappointed, and in the ten- dered paffion too ; and yet it was that very difap- pointment I was laughing at , and not my friend Belford. And are your purpofes crofled too ? My dear brother fufferer Brumpton. Ay ! now I am unfortunate Oh ! the human mind ! -Yes, Sir, I am difappointed- Ha ! ha ! Briik is in a devil of a pickle ! He went in dif- guife to carry off my little goddefs for me Some- body that refembles him has committed a robbery in Northamptonfhire They have charged Brifk, and he writes me here, that they have carried him before Mr. Carbuncle, the wine-merchant, who deals out bad law, and adulterate port, to all St. Anne's pariih Brifk will be chronicled in miferable elegy, clubbed by two poets upon a flock-bed in the Old Jewry -, the hiftorians of Grub-ftreet are already preparing " The Life and Converfation of Jeremy Brifk, who was born of honeft parents" -Ha ! ha ! poor devil ! I muft go to his affiftance* {Exeunt. SCENE the Juftice's Houfe. Enter Mittimus and Squeezum. Mittimus. Here, bring the prifoner this way A great pity, matter Squeezum, that Mr. Carbuncle is not at home This fellow will be carried to another fhop, I fear Squwium. No, no , that (han't be I have found another juftice to fit for him a gentleman who has been A C O M E D Y. 19 feren in the commiffion many yearsHe was going by in his chariot, but I flopped him Here, bring in the prifoner Enter Brifk, dreffed as a country fellow. Erjk. Nay, good chriftian people gentlemen- neighbours---! never was in Northamptonfhire in my life I am a poor, harmlefs, innocent fellow I al- ways had a mortal averfion to a cart 1 never faw one in my days but it was better than a fermon fo me Enter Sir Theodore, with a Letter in his Hand. Sir Theodore. Well ! well ! I am not fond of act- ing, but rather than jufrice mould be at a ftand The fellow anfwers the defcription! Sirrah, what can you lay lor yourfdf ? Erijk. Hi ! hi ! what mail I fay ? your hum- ble fervant, Sir Sir Theodore. Free and familiar ! mind what you fay, this is a ferious bufinefs- Brijk. Dear heart, Sir, does not your honour know me ? your fbn's faithful and honeft fervant, Brifk Theodore. Brifk ! what rogue's trick have you been playing, iirrah? Bnfe. Your honour knows, Sir, I have not been out of your houfe any time thefe fix weeks paft Sir Theodore. And why in this difguife, firrah ? Brffi. Nothing but a frolick, Sir a. mere freak of my young mafter's, Sir, and nothing more- Sir Theodore. Commit him for further examina- tion Rafcal, I will know the whole make out a warrant Brijk. Sir, Sir, I yen fhali hear' it allthe truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth Sir Theodore. Very well, and if you dare attempt to deceive' Clear the room, and leave us to our- felves [exeunt all the rfft."\ If you tell me a fingle fa 1 fehood C 2 Brijk. 20 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brrjk. Not a tittle, Sir the fact is, Sir my matter is in love defperately with a young lady from the country He fays (he is an heirefs, Sir, but I own I tion't believe it Sir Theodore. Go on- Brfi. And, Sir, I was to go in this drefs. and fo to carry her off, and deliver her over to him- That's the (hort and the long of ir r Sir, as I am a (inner. Sir Theodore. And as you value your ears, this is the truth? Brijk. Oh! upon honour, Sir Sir Theodore. Hark-ye, firrah ! you know the oak that (lands near my houfe in the country Brijk. Perfectly well, Sir Sir Theodore. It has been the reformer of manners ' twenty miles round the country Brijk. Ay ! Sir, it has been felt with a vengeance. Sir Theodore. I have ordered a good cudgel to be Jopped for me, and, if there is any deception in this, thy moulders (hall anfwer. Brijk. Every word mod religioufly true, Sir,- Sir Theodore. Very well ! may be fo ic has an air I am glad I have found this out The prodigal! the blockhead! you may go home, Sir---l can take upon me to difcharge you from the fufpicion you ftand under here Brijk. Yes, Sir and 1 (hall ever Sir Theodore. And if I ever detect you in any more plottings if you are again the confederate of that abfurd blockhead ! Brijk. Tranfport me, Sir, if ever again -Well off, Brifk, well off! [Exit. Sir Theodore. So fo -I have found out the young gracelefs, have 1 ? mighty well ! and if I don't exert the authority of a father [Exit. SCENE A C O M E D Y. 2* SCENE Lovibond's Houfe. Enter Harriet. Harriet. To be locked up in this manner with an old rogue of a guardian ! Mr. Belford ! Mr. Bel- ford ! why won't you be my deliverer ? He knows I like him , I have told him fo a thoufand times j that is my eyes have told him fo--- And yet he under- takes nothing One would think the young men of this age have not hearts in their bofoms bigger than pin's heads ! -Ah ! my dear protector ! [feeing Lovibond. Enter Lovibond. Lovibond. My bloflbm ! my lovely little ward ! ro-morrow makes you the queen of my heart j and your will mail be a law to me. Harriet. You only flatter me ;- you won't let yourfelf be ruled by me Lovibond. I mall live under your abfolute com- mand, rofe-bud ! But you muft be mild in autho- rity, lor you know Harriet. Yes, I know how tender you have been your confining me here for fo many days is to me a proof of the tendered love. Lovibond. Yes, it is a mark of my affection Harriet. There are many reafons why 1 mould not venture abroad -more than you deam of- Lovibond. You alarm me what reafons ? Harriet. Why the danger is no you'll be for righting the odious man Lovibond. No- I'll not fight-^-I'll live for you Harriet. But will you follow my advice, and fpeak to him calmly, without pafllon ? Lovibond. I will Let me hear what's the mat- ter ? Harriet. Why that Mr. Belford, whofe vifits you ufed toencouragc C 3 Lcvibond. 22 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, 'Lovibond. I have not liked him a good while what of him ? Harriet. Oh ! he's a wicked man He has vile defigns in his head, and would fain have me Men to his propofals- Lwibond. The impudence of the young men of this age ! Harriet. Your back is no fooner turned, than he raps at the door, and at the windows, and difgraces me with all the neighbours- my character will be ruined [pretends to cry] unlefs you find fome me- thod to Lwibmd. Don't be alarmed, my fweet---Tli bar my doors, and you (han't ftir out this twelvemonth Harriet. That won't do Lovibond. Then you Ihall never go out at all--- Harriet. That's ibme comfort But in the mean time to have my reputation Wafted by an abandoned libertine [/be cries.~\ Qefa.'s wife fhpuld not only be virtuous, but free from fufpicion Lovibond. The fenfible girl! this is owing to her education---her fifter Mary Ann could not make luch a remark Harriet. Well ! well ! yon don't love me Lovibond. Yes, hut I do--- I'll go and fwear the peace again ft him Harriet. I wifli you would Lovibond. I'll 1 do it diredlly -I'll let him know by a justice's warrant that Csefar's wife is not to be trifled with' Harriet. And pray tell him, I hate him that he may come a.s otten as he will under my window, but it will be to no purpofe, tor I fhall not endeavour to let him in Lwibond. He fhall hear it :. Let him know that tho' he is young and handfome, that all his charms are loft upon me L,voib*md. I'll do it Harriet. Tell him you have been a father to me, that A C O M E D Y. 23 that I confider you (till as my father, and that I think it unnatural to love giddy young men, when I can be Ib much better off with you. Lovibond. He ihall hear it on every fide of his ears Harriet. Ay, but without lofs of time, if you love me---I fhan't be eafy till he knows my mind Lovibond. Nor I it is fit he mould know your mind Harriet. Yes, and tell him, if he mould come when you are out, not all his winning ways mail prevail on me run away with him Lovibond. You have charmed me ; tranfported me ; ravilhed me -, get up-ftairs I'll feek him this moment -ha ! ha! -this all fprings from her good fenfe this is knowing right from wrong---ha! ha * [Exit. Harriet. Be fure you tell him every word and if Mr. Belfoid does but underftand every word, as I intend it, then I may ftill wing my flight to his dear arms Anew fcheme this of mine! But lovein- fpired it, and love may crown it with fuccefs [Exit. SCENE Qldcaftlfs Houfe. Enter Peter and Bridget. Peter. Yes, yes/ Bridget- the gentleman's gene- rous enow, for a matter o'that. Bridget. And pray, Peter, do the London folk always give money to the like of we, as often as they come in or out of the houfe ? Peter. Ay! zure, and the farving folk call it vails. Why, Bridget, poor fervants would not be able to ape all their mafter's follies, and powder like fine gentry, and curfe and fwear like lords, an fo be every body did not give at ftreet door more than any thing they get in the houfe is worth. Bridget. La ! well that's pure, fure enow ! C 4 Ptter. 24 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Pstcr. As to me, do ye zee, 1 does not care how often the gentleman comes, and for a matter o'that, I does not care how long mafter {lays in the coun- try Bridget. Thefe London ways are comical, that's for fure. [a rap at the door] More grife to the rnill-~go and open the door, Peter Peter. Go yourfeJf, an you go to that Bridget. I mail budge none, not I. Peter. Nor, I, faith and troth ! [another rap.] Bridget. Law, how can you be fo crofs Peter. You put all upon me, that's your way who's at the door Oldcajlle. [within] open the door, you varlets, open the door. Bridget. Oh! it's mafter I'll go Pittr. Mafter! then I'll go Jiru'gct. Stand out of the way, can't you ? Peter. Stand away yourlelf I be ready- ben't I ! Bridget. Farther a field, will you ? Oldcaftle. [rapping] Within there, open the door, I fay Bridget. Call here to Peter he won't let a body Peter. No body fhall but 1fypmt the door] Ser- vant mafter. Enter Oldcaftle. , Bridget. Welcome home, mafter. Oldcaftlt. Why am I to wait thus ? Bridget. It was all his doings Peter. It was all her doings as well as I. Oldccfi!e. Peace, numfkulis !---how is every body at home ? Peter. Charmingly well. Bridget. All in pure health, praife for every thing ; nd Mifs Mary Ann fings about the houfe like a little bird in a cage. Oldcajlle. Has not fhe been melancholy fmce I wept into the country ? Bridget, A C O M E D Y 25 Bridget. No, Lord love her, not fhe Oldcajtle. No ! [in a pc,ffwn\ Bridgtt. Yes ! how terrible he looks ! Oldaiftls. Did not fhe long for my return ? Peter. Hugeoufly ! ib we did all Oldcafik. Vixen! jade! villain! raical ! Peter. I'm down o'my knees Bridget. So be I merciful father, how ~ Oldcajile. You have obeyed my orders, have you ? That icoundrel that was lurking here about my houie, he is fent to Newgate by this time \afide. Bridget. Don't fend I to Newgate, pray Peter. He'll murder us both, as fure as a gun Oldcajlle. What you are a fneaking away, are you ? Oh ! it's all too true come brxk, or Bridget. Yes, Sir Peter. No, Sir Oldcajtle. Oh ! Mary Ann ! Mary Ann ! I could never have imaginedcall Mary Ann hither Both. Yes, Sir [they run cu'~] Oldcajlle. Now will they plot, and put their heads together Mary Ann ! Marry Ann ! Oh ! here fne comes. Enter Mary Ann, playing with a cup and ball. Mary Ann. [Sings'] " Three children fliding on the " ice" fo, you be come, I fee Oldcaftle. Yes, I am come home Mary Ann. Better late than never -I began to think as how you had forgot poor I I expecled you all the live long, long day, fo I did, and there did not go by a coach or a cart, or an horfe or an afs t but 1 thought it was you ah ! I am glad you're come what's the matter ?---ben't you well ? Oldcaftle. Fatigued after my journey you have been very well, I hope, fince I left you Mary Ann. Oh ! yes, purely neither fick nor forry not I by goles, that is not true neither, for laft night * Oldcaftb. 2 6 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle. Laft night ! what of laft night? Mary Ann. Little Pompey barked fo all night long, I could not fleep a wink Oldcaftk. Is that all ? you have not been out any v/here, have you ? Mary Ann. Out ! law, where mould I go ? I don't like going out in this ftrange outlandifh pj ace I like the country better by half Qldcaftle. Well ! well ! you fhall go back foon. Mary Ann. But then mayn't I go and fee fitter Harriet firft ? an ill natured thing that's what fhe is (he has not been to fee poor I ever fince I came to the great town. Oldcafile. You fhall fee her fo you paffed your time very merrily ! Mary Ann. Oh ! never better in all my days but you don't feem glad to fee a body Oldciftle. Yes, yes -, I am glad to fee you -the little Jezabel won't tell me a word [afidt\ mall I tax her with it diredtly, or wait a little longer to fee her cunning ? let you and I go and chat a little together above itairs. Mary Ann. Ah ! you look crofs with all heart I'll go---one two, three, and away [Exit. O'dcaft/e. The little frippery, how fhe carries it off! Oh! the devil! I burn, I'm in a fever- -I have had the grafs cut undet.my feet Oh ! the young Magdalen !-- the fly iniquity ! [Exit. SCENE the Street. Enter Belford. Belf&rd. Nature never defigned me for a knight errant Don Quixote would have ftormed fifty caf- tles, while my dull brain is hatching one poor pro- jed what muft be done r SCENE A C O M E D Y, 27 Enter Lovibond. Lov : bond. Ay ! ay ! there he is, I fee Belford. 'Sdeath no way to convey a mefiage to her !- Lovibond. Full of mifchief ! -your fervant, Sir B Iford. Mr. Lovibond ! Lovibond I was in queft of you. B-lf^rd. 'Tis a mark of your friendfhip Lov:bond. I mean to prove my friendfhip, do you fee I don't like to fee young men lofing their time ---it is now fit you mould underftand yourfelf, and fix upon fomething that may fettle your head a little Bilfsrd. Ah ! Sir ! -'tis in your power Lovibond. Ay ! much is in my power I have a fair ward, Mr. Bclford Bel ford. He is going to propofe her to me [a/ide*] I know her perfectly, Sir Lwibond. Then I don't inform you of it fhe is handfome, fpirited, and fenfible Belford. I am no ftranger to her merit Lovibond. Then I don't inform you of that nei- ther , to-morrow I intend to gratify the wifhes of her he-art, and make her mine by marriage Belford. What fo foon, Sir ? this is news Lovibond. Then I inform you of it and I will in- form you of another thing too She has a mortal avcrfion to you, and defires you will trouble her no more Belford. You amaze me, Sir the devil ! fhe has not blabbed to him, I hope. [a/ide. Lovibond. What a mortified countenancehe puts on ! Belford. This is all an abfolute riddle, Mr. Lovi- bond. Lovibond. Then I'll unriddle it to you (he per- ceived you dangling after her in all public places, whenever I took her abroad with me ; fhe under- ftood thofe artful glances you call towards her ; fhe could S THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, could interpret every amourous figh ;- fhe bid me tell you fo- Btifcrd. She did ? then perhaps I know how to interpret her meaning. [flfide. Lovibond. She lays you may think her a melan- choly prifoner, but you may fpare your walks up and down the ftreet -, and fo me would have acquainted you long ago, but fhe wanted a proper per/on to convey her fentiments to you. Bdford. She has found a trufty meflenger at lad. L.ouibond. Ha! ha! fo Ihe has me knows me could truft me ha ! ha!---I thought it a pity you mould lofe any more time, and fo now you may go and bow, and kneel, and make a monkey of your- lelf before fome other window Belford. Since is fo, Sir, I muft fubmit her mean- ing is deeper than he is aware of. [fjide. Lovilond. Don't be dimearten'd- you may fucceed elfewhere me allows you to be of a very comely figure ; a well proportioned perfon , but 'tis all loll upon her ; fhe confiders me as her father, and has no unnatural pafllon for profligate youngfters. Belford. I believe you, Sir I defift from all pre- tenfion -, I fee this matter now in its true light ; and, Sir, I (hall moleft you no more ; and in that determination I take my leave. Lavibond. Not fo fail ; another word tho' you were to watch your time, and in my abfence fcale the wall, and get in at the window, and entreat her to elope with you, fhe ftiil would cleave to me. Bdford. That I dare fay I'll try her tho'-[V] 1 am perfectly ' fatisfied, Sir Lovifcnd. And harkye ; you may come as often as you will about the houfe, fhe will not exchange a word with you out of the window nor fettle any fcheme with you ha ! ha ! you fee you are fully under flood Belford. I fhall ever efteem you as my friend, and I (hall lofe no more time, that you may tell the lady fhe A C O M E D Y. 29 me (hall never have reafon to upbraid me again- and fo you may aflure her ten thoufantl bleffings on her for this ftratagem ; fhe Ihall be mine this very night, [ffide] [Exit. Lovibond. What a look of chagrin there was ! I have trained the girl up to this ha! ha! Mary Ann will never have fenfe enough to behave in this manner ha ! ha ! [Exit. Enter Brumpton and Brifk following. Brijk. A pretty fort of jeopardy I have been in, mafter ! Brumpton. Traitor! let me fee no more of you. Brijk. And are thofe my thanks, Sir ? You'Jl be fo good as to give me a difcharge ~ Brumpton. I wifh I could give you a difcharge of a culverin Brijk. I am not fo extravagant in my expectations as to defire that favour, Sir Heav'n help me \ I am more eafily contented Only juft a fmall arrear of wages, if you pleafe, with a little dam of a character for diligence*, fidelity, and a fmattering of what you call parts, if my mafter did not mar all upon occa- fion, and leave now and then in danger of dangling by the neck for attempting to ferve him Brumpton. You are a villain ! Brijk. I am a fool ! Brumpton. Have not you betfayed me to Sir The- odore ? let him into my whole fecret?-He knew nothing of my being in love in town here, but you muft divulge it, and I muft have him ftorming at me in a rage and fury I muft have my beft con- certed fchcmes difappointed by you Begone, rafcal, I have done with you Brijk. Mighty well, Sir f what poflefles him? only pleafe, Sir, to fectle that trifling balance- Enter go THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Enter Belford. Belford. Ha ! Brumpton ! give me joy- things begin to wear a better afpecl I'll fwear you ate right---ha! ha! I intend for the future to be a laugh- ing philofopher too- Brumptcn. Philofophy may go to Bridewell for ought I care, unlefs philofophy could pimp for a body Belford. Hey ! what's the matter ? Brumptcn. Every thing's the matter-^afk that treacherous Brijk. Mr. Belford, believe me, Sir Bruwftcn. Hold you your tongue, Sir no more of your Belford. Ha! ha ! what out of temper! My af- fairs, Brumpton, are in a fair way you, after a great deal of pains, may poffibly be difappointed, buc I- Brumpton. Po! po ! this is all- Belford. I have meflages fent me from the girl I adore, you rogue (he points out my road to hap- pinefs. Brumpton. I'm not difpos'd to laughter Belford. Pfhaw ! man, never fret for little difap- pointments have you any difficulties ? you have firength to remove mountains Ha! ha! my dear Brumpton, you fend mefTages, I am fent to you are difappointed, I am likely to fucceed- Brumpton. 'Sdeath, Sir, what do you mean ? \going to draw.~\ Belford. Not I, truly If I muflrdie, Til die laugh- ing, like Pierre in the tragedy, ha! ha ! You make a toil of a pleafure, Brumpton ; and love, which is to me joy and rapture, is to you Brumpton. Damnation ! draw this moment BeJfcrd. No no our tempers are very different-- what, I'm in too high fpirits, and you want to let me a little blood you fret, I laugh ha I ha ! i I'll A C O M E D Y. 31 I'll leave you to recover your ufual fpirits ha ! ha ! [Exit. Brumpton. 'Sdeath, this is infupportable! I have but one fcheme left Brifk, you muft execute it di- reftly Brijk. There is no difguife neceffary, I hope, Sir Bmmpton. No murmuring, fcoundrel ; follow me this inftant Brisk. This will be an horfepond bufinefs, I fear, and a ducking will fpoil my livery. [Exeunt. Enter Oldcaftle. Oldcvjlle. It was well faid by an old philofopher, when you are in a paffion con over your alphabet. I have done fo, and have recovered my temper walk in Mary Ann, walk in Enter Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Ah! you have not taken any notice of me fince you came home ah ! I fee you don't love me Qldcaftle. You are much miftaken I love you ex- ceedingly. draw a chair fit down Well ! and how- have you pafled your time in my abfence? Mary Ann. As well as any thing. Oldcaftle. Have you any news ? Mary Ann. News ! law, not I fikins, I fib tho" 1 have news to tell you 1 Oldccjllc. Have you ? what is it, chicken ? Mary Ann. Little kitten's dead. OMcaftle. Indeed ! Mary Ann. Ah ! if you had feen all its pretty little tricks, and how it played about It grieved nae to lofe me but fquirrel's well OMcflJtle. Is he ? Mary Ann. Yes, and fo is mackaw Oldcajlk. Ay, that's good news Mary Ann. Yes, and I have marked three fhirts, and hemmed five handkerchiefs Oldcajlk. 5 2 THE SCHOOL roa GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle. Mighty well ! [paufes, and looks at her earneftly] Mary Ann, this is a wide and dangerous world we live in fcandah malice, and detraction are ever flying about, conftantly on the wing, and fpreading pernicious tales to the ruin of every cha- racter. Mary Ann, You frighten a body, you talk fo - Oldcaftle. Draw near, fweet, draw near -you look charmingly--mind what Ifay--fome impertinent neigh- bours have whifpered but I did not believe 'em - they have faid, that while I was in the country, a young gentleman frequented here, and was well re- ceived, Mary Ann- But 1 have laid a wager there was no foundation for any fuch idle givings out Mary Ann. How much have you laid ? - Oldcaftle. Five pounds to four Mary Ann. All that ! make a hedge of it, as you did at the horfe-race Oldcaftle. Why fo? Mftry Aw. Caufe, you'll lofe Oldcaftle. Then there was a young gentleman here-- Mary Ann. As fure as a gun He was here for ever and for ever---morning, noon, and night Oldcflft-e, But, my little lambkin, did not I forbid any vifits ? I won't be certain, but if my memory does not fail me Mary Ann. Oh ! for a matter o'that, you may be certainyou did forbid it, fure enough. Oldcaftie. And why was I difobeyed, my dear? Mary Ann. Ah ! you would have done the fame yourfelf as the fong fays \fags aukuoardly. Had you been in my place, Why you'd ha* done the fame. O'd'ccftk. Very prettily fung but explain, my fweet Mary Ann. It's the furprifingeft thing in the world I'll tell you all about it OUt&jHc. A C Q M E D Y. 33 Oidcaftle. That's right ; Jet us hear Mary Ann. 1 was fitting in the balcony, thinking of no earthly thing, and he paffed by on the other fide of the way Ah ! he looked as handfome as an angel and fo he made me a low bow 1 blulhed up to my very ears, and fo I got up, and made a low curtely and fo he kifled his hand, and 1 could not help fmiling at thar, and fo he bowed again and again, and I curtefyed again and again, and then he walked up the ftreet, and down the ftreet, and to and fro, and backwards and forwards j and would you believe it ?--- He did not mifs a time making me a bow with all the good nature in the world, and fo 1 was as good natured as he, and if he had ftaid all night long, 1 fhould have ftaid too, for I thought it would not be right to be out done in civility Oldccftle. Oh ! thofe damned balconies, I always hated them well ! well ! go on, Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Well, and fo the next day a large* comely fat gentlewoman came to me, and me had three or four band-boxes full of fine things, and fhe laid fhe had orders to give me my choice of charm^ ing lace, and charming ribbons* Ay ! and fhe feemed very good-natured, and fpoke in the prettieft manner Oidcaftle. Oh ! the execrable bawd ! [aftde. Mc.ry Ann. You are very pretty, my dear, fays me, but it's a pity you mould be mewed up here and. then fhe offered me to take me home to her own houfe, and faid fhe would dizen me out with dia- monds, and then a lord would fall in love with me Oldcaftle. The infernal forcerefs ! [afide. Mary Ann. And then fhe faid I had done a great deal ot mifchief, and that I wounded a young gen- tleman terribly Wr% I wound any body, fays 1 ? Yes, the gentleman I faw in the balcony -I was as forry as any thing I had hurt him, but I could not tell how it was, and fhe faid it was my eyes, and that he D was 34 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, was fliot thro* the heart, and would be dead and buried in two days time, if 1 did not fee him Oldcaftk. Oh! the damned agent of hell. [afide. Mary Ann. And then, could you think of her good- nefs ? Indeed I can't help loving her for it -She offered me to go and meet the young gentleman at her houfe I thanked her, and took it very kind,- but I did not care to go to ftrange places, and ib I faid the gentleman might come here if he would--- Oldcajtle. Oh I the travelling milliner ! [afide. ~\ Well, and did he come ? Mary Ann. That he did fure enough and he faid the very fight of me cured him of his woundsAh! I am fure you can't blame me, for I could not let him die, fo I could not I almoft cried my eyes out when little kitten died O'dcaftle. Brother Lovibond is right fhe has it I fc ar ; ...Qh ! I dread the reft. [afide. Mary Ann. Ah !--- but you are angry now Oldcfljik, No not angry well -how did he be- have ? Mary Ami, Ah ! he had fuch a pretty fmile and he gave me this twee -and he gave Bridget and Peter whole handfuls of money. Oldcaftle. What did he fay ? Mary Ann. Oh ! the prettied words in the world. Oldcaflk. But he did not touch you ? Mary Ann. By goles, I beg your pardon for that, but he did, though Oldcajtle. I gueffed fo [afide.'] Go on Mary Ann. He kiflfed one a thoufand and a thou- fand times Oldcaflk. Daggers ! daggers ! daggers ! [afide. Mary Ann. And fqueezed my hand fo tenderly. Oldcaftle. Poifon ! wormwood ! wormwood ! Mary Ann. He took one round the neck Oldcajlle. I thought as much [afide. "] proceed Mary Ann, And round the waift, and he Oldeajlk. A COMEDY. 35 Otdtoftle. Now-^-now it's all over how I trem- ble ! M'iry Ann. What's the matter with you ? O!dc fifth. Nothing -we mall have ibme rain my corn ihoots ; that's all Mary Ann. And he [/he fmiks at him.} Ah! but I won't tell you- you'll be angry Oldcaftle. No no no---I love you dearly, Mary Ann , [laughs uneafily.~\ I do indeedgo on with your Itory, go on May Ann. Why then, he took my glove off, and almoft eat my hand up with kiffes OldcaftU. But was that all ? did you do nothing more to cure his wounds ? Mary Ann. Look you there now- you are angry- ought 1 to have done more ? Oldcpftle* No ; enough of all conference j but, are you lure this was all ? Mary Ann. He gave me this fan, and a pair of car-rings -, and I am fure it was very civil of him to mew fo much good nature to a ftranger. Qldcaftle. Mary Ann,, Mary Ann, all his fmooth Words, all his tendernefs, all his fmiles, were baits to entrap you, to enfnare, to deceive you, abufc you, ruin you Mary Ann. Ah ! but he told me to the contrary, over and over, and over again Oldcaftle. I know the world, child it was all for your destruction, to fwallow you up in the jaws of ruin go up to your room all this fhall be ex- plained to you Mary Ann. Ah ! but you are out of humour with a body. Oldcaflk. Do as I bid you Mary Ann. Yes, that's what I willBy goles, he's a fweet gentleman, for all you, that's what he is \afide.] ' [Exit. p 2 Qldcajtle*. 36 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle alone. What an efcape have I had ! and yet her ingenuous manner of confeffing all, gives me fome hopes-- -I'll read her a lecture, and then I'll go and let Sir The- odore Brumpton know what a villain his fon is Oh! Mary Ann, Mary Ann. End of the Second ACT. ACT III. SCENES Street. Enter Briflc. MY dear good nature, hold you your tongue' You plead in vain, not a ftep will I budge. \Jirikwg his bifow] I am rock, and will be made a dupe no more ;- well faid, my juft refentment ; we know the world now, and will be led a devil's dance no longer- -Bravo Brifk, now you are free, and your own man again Service is a very unthankful office, and for the mere honour of Pihaw ! pox !- -now my honour muft be heard What will the world fay of you, Mr. Brifk, you that have hitherto been the firit footman in England, renowned for your parts and your abilities ! what give way now to a trifling difficulty ? money is abfolutely neceflary for your mailer's affairs, Mr. Oldcaflle is his only refource, #nd you have orders to apply for it diredlly---But my dear honour, you know what an empty bubble you are, and how often I have been kicked in your fer- vicc- The more glory, manj If any body thinks it worth A C O M E D Y. 37 worth his while to kick you, it's a figti you are rifing in the world thofe are the true marks of a footman's genius ; thofe are the things that will raife you in the world, and make an exciieman of you at laft! Bravo! I kindle at the though' I muft go on; one effort more, Brifk, and then But how ! how ! touch the cam ! *' My matter is in the utmoft diftrefs, Sir, and will be for ever obliged to you" Pfhaw ! that will never do I have a Itratagem, and if I can but meet with mafter Oldcaftle- ha ! as luck will have it courage Brifk ! here he comes Enter Oldcaftle. Oldcaftle. What a difcovery have I made! I'll let his father, I'll let Sir Theodore know Britk. Oh ! Sir ! I am glad I have met you at laft I have fought you thro* the whole town Oldcaftle. You live with young Brumpton, don't you? Brisk. The fame, Sir fuch a tide of affairs coming upon him fuch an unforefeen accident poor Sir Theodore, Sir! the good worthy gentle- man, on his way from the country Oldcaftle. I underftood he was in town Brisk. He was coming to town, Sir ; we expected him every hour- and now the fatal news is arrived - He was taken fuddenly ill, too great a fulnefs of blood---no affiftance near it happened on the road- no furgeon no barber to bleed him- the poor gen- tleman expired -and in the moft critical moment- Oldcaftle. Carried off in this manner you fay, and without having time to be ill ! Brisk. Yes, Sir ; without a fingle confultation of phyficians!- It's very hard ! -It's a pity he was in fuch a hafte to die but good fometimes comes of evil, they fay The news has wrought a wonderful change in my young mafter Sir Theodore had made a match for him in the country a great match in- deed! D 3 0/IANS, Mary Ann. Mary Ann Richlcy Qldcaftle. Now Jet me read it- Mary Ann. Ah ! ftay, (lay a moment Not quite done Enter Peter. Peter. Here be the candle, matter the gentleman is walking under the window now Oldcaftle. Is he ? make hafte fold up the let- ter let me do it let me do it, make hafte come, come, difpatch, he'll be gone, elfe you fhali throw it to him now, and all his prefents come, come, make hafte. Mary Ann. Ah! 1 am ready I like this of alj things [Exeunt in a 'violent hurry, SCENES Street. Enter Belford and Lovibond. Lovlbond. Once more well met, Sir.- You can write I fancy, can't you ? Belford. The drift of that queftion, Sir? Lovibond. I fancy you know this little bauble \Jbtwixg a box."] You don't know it to be fure, no, nor the letter in the infide here take it back I charge nothing for the poftage you have it un- opened, in ftatu quo [opens the box.~\ Look ye here ; ha ! no direction upon it that was cunning here, here, you have it in good order, and well conditioned as it came ha ! ha ! Harriet will not read a word of it (he had no curiofity about it Belford But 1 have \afide^ and taking the letter^ cpens it.'] heavens blefs her wit [ajide^ and reads. Lovibond. Ay ! You know the hand-writing Take notice you broke the feal yourfelf none of us read a word of it We return it unopened, to make the affront the deeper. Belford. A C O M E D Y. 49 Belford. \ believe you, Sir I fee you never read a word of it Lsvibond. Not a fyllable her pride would not fuf- fer it Belford. Well, fince it is come to this, being out of humour will avail nothing Ha ! ha ! I can't help laughing Lovibond. That's pleafant of you*--Ha ! ha!ha! r Belford. Yes, very pleafant- Ha! ha! ha! Lovibond. See what your intrigues are come to Bdford. Yes, Sir, you have brought 'em to a fine pafs Lovibond. Ay ! you fee I am not to be tricked-* Enter Oldcaftle. Qldcafik. Mr. Lovibond* I am wild with joy * Lovibond. And fo am I Belford. Who is that old fellow ? [afide, andretids [bis letter. Oldcaftle. I have managed matters charmingly* Who is that fpark ? Lovibond. You need not be fhy of him I'll ven- ture to fay you have not managed as well as I have, Mr. Old 1 Oldcaftle. Call me Biddulph. [apart. Lovibovd. Well ! I fancy you will tofs no more let- ters in at the window. Belford. No truly, Sir, not I and I beg you will aflure the lady that Lovibond. Ay ! let us hearyou need not mind this gentleman come> come, let us hear now bro- ther Old Oldcaftle. Call me Biddulph [apart. Lovibwd. Ay ! n6w hear him, Mr. Biddulph. Belford. I beg the lady's pardon, Sir 1 refign, myfelf to her inclinations, and (hall obey her com- mands . Lwibend. Very, well- - 50 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, BSfird. You are too powerful a rival, and fince it is fo, you will be pleafed to tell her I moft heaitily approve of the choice (he has made Lovibond. Do you hear that ? \Jo Oldcvft'e. Belford. Her fuperior fenfe (h;nes forth in every a&ion of her life, and, Sir, I will only add that 1 mall never give her caufe to complain again you will report me to the lady, and, Sir, I take my leave. [Exit. Lovibond. There, there, you fee what an happy man I am Oldcojtk. Well, and now let me tell you Lovibond. I can't ftay to hear 1 am in the ele- ments with joy brother Oldcaftle, your fervant Exit. Oldcaftle. But, brother Lovibond, let me tell you- po ! an envious man, he can't bear a neighbour's hap- pinefs lackaday ! I wim he had ftaid, for here comes that graceless young' Enter Brumpton humming a tune. Oldcaftle. Well, Mr. Brumpton the young dog, nothing affefts him [afide] Well, and your intrigues, how go they on? Brumpton. Oh! 1 longed to fee you 'you have not been able to reconcile my father, I find Oldcaftle. No, I did all I could I fpoke very hand- fomely of you to Sir Theodore, I affure you Brumpton. And yet he is worfe than ever Oldcaftle. He is very pofitive well ! but the bufmefs of your love- Brumpton. Why, it was likely to be fomewhat embarrafled Oldcaftle. I long to hear it. \afide\ As how pray ? Brumpton. The old curmudgeon is returned from the country Oldcaftle. Ay! Brumpton. The fervants have changed their tone, and the door is (hut in my face. Oldcaftte. A C O M E D Y. 51 Oldcaftle. I can't help laughing ha ! ha ' this Mr. Biddulph knows what he is about, I fancy Brumpton. Po ! the fellow is fitter to have the funeral fervice read over him than the marriage ce- remony he made her come to the barony-" Oldcojlle. Well ! and how was that ? Brumpton. He muffled himfelf up behind the cur- tain, 1 could not diftinguim him me threw me out fome trinkets, I had given her But, my dear friend, me flung a letter with 'em- O'-dcafile. 1 long to hear about that Brumpton. The contents of it amazed me Oldcaftle. I dare fay (he told you her mind, I reckon Bntwpton. Moft freely, moft openly ha ! ha ! old Noftrodamus is outwitted- --for, look you here here in her own fair hand- ten thoufand blcflings on her [kiffes the letter] Here, Sir, the genuine dictates of her heart- O'dcajlls. He is mad, fure ! let me fee it Brumpton. [reads'] " Dear Mr. Brumpton, you " are a charming man, and your civilities, I am " fure fprung, from an honeft defign, for my future " happinefs. ' Qldcaft'e. In the name of wonder, what is all this ! [aftde. Brumpton. [reads] " Your intentions are generous, " and worthy of a gentleman- Oldcaftle. The little hypocritical forcerefs ! \afide. Brumpton. [reads] " You are handfome in your " perfon, and your manners alfo j and the admira- " tion of all our fex Old.-aftle. Oh J the Jezebel ! [Jide. Bri'.mptou. [reads'] *' I hate Mr. Biddulph, an " odious old wretch ; and Oldwftle. The vile harlotry ! [cfide. Brumpton. [reads'] " And out of my guardian's " hands, it is in your power to refieve me Yours 2 " indeed, 52 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, " indeed, and indeed, until death us do part---Mary " Ann Richley. Oldcaftle. She has reverfed every word of it ! Brumpton. There's an adventure! ha! ha! ha! is not me a charming girl ? you don't partake of my joy. Oldcaftle. Partake of your joy I--I I yes. \lobkivg uneafy* Brumptcn. What a way old Biddulph will be in Oldcaftle. Why, I muft fay I feel for him Brumpton. Feel for him! a wretch like that!- fo ungenerous a guardian, fo bafe a betrayer of his trult! who could offer his withered fuperatmuated love to the fweeteft girl, and with the winter of old age nip fo much beauty in its bud ! January and May joined together !--- does not that make you laugh ? Oldcaftle. I am afraid of laughing, tho' I love it of all things it fets me a coughing always well ! but trouble may come of all this Brumpion. Never be uneafy an't you amazed at my fuccefs ? Oldcaftle. I am, indeed I never was fo confounded in all my days \ajidi\ I wim as heartily as a minifter of ftate that there was not fuch a thing as pen, ink> and paper in the kingdom. \ajide. Brumpton. What's the matter with you ? Oldcaftle. A megrim has fuddenly taken me take care what you do Mr. Oldcaftle, you are a block- head, an overweening, cuckoldy blockhead ! [ Belford. Pfhaw ! give me leave to know did not I fee him ? Brumpton. There was no feeing him diftinclly ;-- * he was fkulking behind the curtain and then fhe threw the letter down to me, Oh ! the idol of my heart ! the lovely Mary Ann ! Belford. Mary Ann ! you are the moft perplex- ing 'fdeath ! 1 was telling you how my fweet god- defs contrived to fend me a letter by her very guar- Brumpton. I did not hear a fyllablc of that mat- ter I was telling you Then I'll tell you how it was E 3 Brumpton. 54 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brumptcn. No no hear the ftory of my happi- nefs. Belfcrd. Nay, nay ; mine is the mod furprizing. Brumpton. Look ye here, my boy [Jhewing a let- ter, ,] the work of her own fingers ! Belford. There, there [Jkewing his letter] more eloquence than in all Cicero. Brumpton. [reads.'] Dear Mr. Brumpton, you are a fweet man, and your civilities Belford. [reads, ] You will be furprized at this letter ; and more fo at the manner of convey- ing it. Brumpton. [reads ] The admiration of all our ' fex. Belford. [reads.'] But I muft hazard all, or fall a facrifice to the avarice of my guardian j Brumpton. [reads.~] And out of his hands it is-i < 3n your power to relieve me Belford. [reads.] I love you, Mr. Bedford ; will you defpife me for telling you fo ? I hope not. Brumpton. [reads] Yours indeed, and in- deed, until death us do part, Mary Ann Rich- ley. Belford. [refds.] Contrive fome means for my efcape, and heaven and eaith combined fhall not keep you from me the difconfolate Harriet. [Exeunt together.] 4 End of the 7'bird ACT. ACT [ 55 1 ACT IV. Enter Oldcaftle and Lovibond. Lovibond. \7 E S, me told me all about the young }[ rake-hell's vifits, gave me back his letter unopened, to return it to him with. my own hands Is not fhe a miracle of goodnefs and fuperior fenfe ? Oldcaftle. It was very fenfible how often will you afk me ? Lovibond. Is not fhe trained up in the paths that flie fhould walk ? When will Mary Ann do as much ? Oldcaftle. Ay ! there it flings! H'e has heard all, and I am blown ! \_afide. Loi'ibond. I have feen my gentleman fince I have given him his letters; -told him what a mor- tal averfion fhe has to him -, and I warrant me, I have Tent him off with a flea in his ear. Oldcaftle. J thought to ha* done the fame by young Brumpton - but the minx has fo bamboozled me ! [afide. Lovibond. You feem difturbed ha ! ha ! mor- tified at my fuccefs, I fuppofe ha ! ha ! or fome fly- flap has caught Mary Ann, and fhe, poor thing Oldcaftle. He has hit the nail o'the head \afide. You need not trouble your head about Mary Ann leave her to my care, Sir Lovibond. But, Mr. Oldcaftle Oldcaftle. But, brother Lovibond Lovibond. You are the ftrangeft man Oldcaftle. Po ! po! you have no friendfhip for any body. Lovibond. No friendfhip ! E 4 Old* & THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle. None all for yourfelf, and wifhing for other people's misfortunes Lavibtmd. This is your gratitude, Mr. Oldcaftle Did not I help you to a rich young fpendthrift, who wanted a thoufand pounds-, and did not he give you his bond, and then did not I make him draw a bill upon you for the money, and did not I bid you fue him for both the bond and the bill ? was not I a wit- nefs in the caufe for you ?-- rl'Jl have you indicted for fubornation of perjury Oldcnftle, If you go to that, who taught you to fink {hips in the chops of the channel ? Lovibond. And who (hewed you the way to be an engrofier of corn, and a foreftailer of markets ? Oldcaftle. Your fmuggling, Mr. Lovibond Lcvilond. Your ufury, Mr. Oldcaftle Oldcaftle. Mighty well I fee what it's come to Thefe are the thanks I meet with I, that firft laid the fcheme of keeping thefe girl's fortune all to our- felves Here ends all intercourfe between us ; I break off; I have no more to fay to you- and fo now you know my refolution [Exit. Lovibcnd. Ha ! ha ! what a turmoil the poor man has put himfelf in ! ha ! ha ! Things are going wrong with him I never mail be at reft, till I fee the bottom of all this : [Exit. Enter Sir Theodore and Brifk. Sir Theodore. And look ye, Sir- -If ever you pre- fume to meddle again between father and fon Brisk. I meddle, Sir, between Sir Theodore. If ever again I lay my finger upon a firtgle aft of yours Brisk. Sir, if you would permit me, all this expence of pafTion might be faved -I have to be fu re been caught tripping a little or fo-, but it is never too late to take up ; 1 have reflected, upon the matter, and without any great pretence to more wifdom than falls to the ihare of the like of me I have obtain'd my A C O M E D Y. 57 my difmiffion, and bid adieu to my mailer's fervice for ever Sir Theodore. Quitted his fervice, have you ? Brisk. Yes, Sir, 1 am going down to my father's in the country My father's in a very pretty wayj has fome very good farms, and ib 1 think to fettle there for the reft of my days Sir 'Theodore. I am jad of this, firrah, and fines you have left him, I forgive you, do you fee ; here, here's fomething to bear your expences down i com- mend your refolution much But hark ye, Brifk now you are going, it will be honeft of you to in- form me, it will make fome amends for what is pad is my fon really in love with this girl ? Brisk. At prefent he is, but law ! Sir, if me were once remov'd out of his way Sir Theodore. That is what I have been thinking f that would do the bufinefs, would not it ? Brisk. Moft clearly, Sir---out of fight, out of mind with him- -If in return for your honour's goodnefs, by any little fervice in my poor way Sir Theodore. I thank you, Brift, I thank you- but there will be nooccafion for you -I have employed an elderly body, a good cunning matron-like wo- man, whounderftands'the whole art of laying fpringes for young damfels. Brisk. Nothing can be better imagined, Sir Sir Theod-'re. She is to infmuate herfelf into the houfe, as fuch people know how to do Brisk. No aoubt, Sir . Sir Theodore. And then when fhe has allured my young madam abroad with her, fhe mall then be fo difpofed off, that he may beat the bufh long enough, before he finds her, I warrant him- Brisk. You have hit upon the only way in the world, Sir Sir Theodore. It is an honeft artifice, Brifk, to ref- cue the coxcomb from deftrudion I wifh you well, 8rif>, I wilh you well. [Exit. Brisk. 53 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brisk. Health attend your honour! So, here's a mine detected ! and my mafter is flying wild about the. town, thinking it's all enchanted ground he treads, and at laft he'll be blown up in the air with ali my heart let him ; let him' fee how he looks when he comes down again-- and yet --there again now, temptations are beginning their old trade- well, fomething muft be done, and fo now mine away, Sir Theodore; -be as good a pioneer as you will, 1 warrant me I'll coun- termine you [Exit SCENE Oldcrflts Houfe. Enter Peter and Bridget. Peter. It's pure lucky, Bridget, he did not find the gentleman in the clofet Bridget. He lay dole all the time like a moufe in a cheefe--and mafter walked about the room, and gnaw- ed his lip, and gnafhed his teeth, ---and gave the ta- ble an hwgeous rap with his ftick,-- -and fetched a deep groan, and did not fay fo much as one word, and then led Mils Mary Ann out of the room- Peter. I'll tell you what, Bridget, it's all owing to his finding out the young gentleman's vifits here to mifs Mary Ann- Bridget. Yes, yes; it (lands to reafon how it muft be that dear me ! he locks poor mifs Mary Ann up here for all the world like an horie in a pound, and I can't tell why or by reafon whereof, not I Peter. I'll tell you, Bridget ! underftand thefe matters he locks her up do you fee, becaufe as why he is troubled with jealoufy Bridget. But how mould that enter his head ? Peter. Oh! that pops into his head, becaufe Bridget. What is jealoufy pray, Peter? Peter. Dear heart, you are fuch another jealoufy, you may know, won't let a body fleep it's ior all the world, like fo many rats behind the wainfcot-,-!'!! tell you A C O M E D Y. 59 you now by way of likenefs the gentleman you know gaved you a guinea- -now putting cafe, any body was to come for to take away your guinea, do you fee that would put you in a pafTion would not it? Bridget. Oh ! I underfland it now Peter. It's as like it as any thi ig---for fee but here- -Mils Mary Ann is his guinea- and you know when a body wants to be fingering another man's mo- ney, what does he do then ?- why he brings you down to fizes an whole heap of London counfel, to quarrel about it, and abufe one another, and be together by the ears for ever fo many hours Bridget. I remember all that, and it's as like mifs Mary Ann as it can flare but then I want to know why does not every body make the fame fufs, and lock his wife up too ? Peter. Po ! you fool ! that's becaufe every body does not love his wife as well as a guinea Bridget. Then I underftands the whole git of itr- but law ! look ye there Peter. It's mafter, as fureas a gun- how he looks, Bridget! let us get out of his way [Exeunt. Enter Oldcaftle The perfidious jade! ---what a trick me has played me! Oh! the little, treacherous Enter Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Law! you look fo flrange, you are enough to frighten a body Oldcaftle. Mary Ann, I have feen Mr. Brumpton Mary Ann. Have you ? [laughs ajjde. Oldcaftle. He was wonderfully pleafed with your letter Mary Ann. [fmiling afide] By goles, I know why. Oldcaftle. What did you fay to him ? Mary Ann. Say to him ! [turns away andfmiks. Oldcaftle. Did you write what I bid you ? Mary 6o THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Mary Ann. [laughing] Altered it a little bit! Oldcaftle. A good deal, I fancy. Mary Ann. [laughs] By gingo, I played you that triek Oldcaftk. And was not it bafe, to deceive your guardian, who loves you dearly, and intends to make you his wedded wife? Mary Ann. I could not find it in my heart to fay the things you wanted me Oldcaftle. And don't you confider what a crime it is! Mary Ann. It was only to play upon you Oldcaftle. But fuch wicked letters, Mary Ann Mary Ann. It was you {hewed rne the way how Ihould I have thought of fuch a thing ? Oldcaftle. That flings, that galls [a/Me.] But there are women, Mary Ann, who can write without be- ing bid Mary Ann. What, all out of their own heads ! Oldcaftle. Even fo Mary Ann. And what do they write ? Oldcaftk. They make affignations ; inform their gallants, when their hufbands are to be from home;- they fix the time for amorous meetings, at routs and drums Mary Ann. Routs and drums! What be they ? Oldcaftle. Wicked aflemblies ! where women lofe more than they can pay, and then pawn their perfons together with the hufband's honour, and fo infamoufly pay off the debts they have contracted. Mary Ann. And then do the men toy and play, and take *em round the waif! Oldcaftle. Ay! -then their point is gained- Mary Ann. [fmi&irg.'] That's comical enough. Oldcaftle. And then they fly wild about this town ; . to the feducing gaieties of Vaux-hall and Rarielagh--- Mary. Law ! I never heard of thofe Oldcaftk, Ranelagh, child, is a wicked round of fin, intrigue, and clandeftine love where crowds gather A C O M E D Y. 61 gather together, dealing glances, exchanging letters, negotiating riotous pleasures Vaux-hall is a very Paradife of forbidden fruits, where fhady walks ex- clude the confcious day, and every blandifhment of fenfe, mufick, wine, and opportunity, confpire to waken the voluptuous paflions. Mary Ann. [failing.] And muft not Mary Ann fee thofe places ? Oldcaftle. No nevernever, Mary Ann Here here is the marriage act for you to read all young girls ought to have it by heart This will teach them how unnatural it is to fall in love without the confent of king, lords, and commons ! Mary Ann. Ah ! but I can't ftay for their leave -thy are too great folks for me to think Oldcaftle. Take it up-ftairs with you It is a very edifying tract! - - Mary Ann. Very well, I'll go [as /he is going.] I'll go and try if I can't write a letter out of my own head - '[**/. Oldcaftle. When fhe has read the marriage act, flic will have a proper fenfe of her duty. So Peter ! fo Bridget !- walk in - - Enter Peter and Bridget. Oldcaftk. Now if I can tutor thefe to my mind Bridget. For the love of mercy, Sir, Peter. I'll never do fo any more, matter - Oldcaftle. Come hither both I am not angry you are no ftrangers to the affection I bear Mary Ann Bridget. No, that's for fure you love her as weli as you do a guinea - Oldcaftle. How now, Malapert ! Bridget. I am fure Peter faid fo : - Peter. No not I for the varfal world ! - Oldcaftk. 62 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Oldcaftle. What's the matter, Numfkulls! Liften to me watch my houfe well ; and be iura you neve let any powdered fops put a foot over the threfhold of my door Bridget. Yes, Sir! Peter. No, Sir! Oldcaftle. But the wily arts of young men - r Think of a gay embroidered coxcomb coming to you with a piteous look : " I languifh for your miftrefs ; I die in her abfence ; let me but fee her, or elle I have one foot in my grave already" Peter. Be gone about your bufinefs, fellow, fays I this is no place for you My young miftrtfs de- fires no fuch trumpery. Oldcaftle. Mighty well, Peter, it can't be better But you, Mrs. Bridget, will take fome compiffion upon a poor dying fwain Bridget. Go farther a field, and fet up the fign of the horns fomewhere elfe do no admittance for you here Oldcaftle. Charming, Bridget, charming you d it wonderfully But then fays he " I'll lie down in the flreet, and there breathe my laft Peter. And then I run up to the garret-window, and fouce a bucket of water on his head Oldcaftle. Excellent ! excellent ! it will cool his paffion for him have a bucket of water always ready Ha! ha! I mould like to fee him dreaming like a river god in the ftreet- I am delighted with you both But then he comes with his damned be- witching gold Here, Peter, to drink my health Here Mrs. Bridget, to buy you fome tea. Peter. We want none of your drofs - Bridget. No not we- [Jhewing Oldcaftle. Oldcaftle. That's right move me pufh me away. Peter. Go about your bufinefs, I fay "Ibothfoov- Bridget. Money is the root of all evil ing him. Oldcaftle. As I could wilh that's right never fpare me Peter A COMEDY. 6j Peter. We hate you as we do a toad. -j ^ Bridget. You vile ugly thing. Peter. We can't endure the fight of you )>o1 Bridget. You midnight owl ! you griping, | |r miferly, old J ' Oldcaftle. There, there, hold, hold But here, fays he, here's the money for you [holding out money. Peter. I humbly thank your honour [takes it. Oldcaftle. Villain ! traitor! [ftrikes him.] Is this your virtue at laft ? Ptter. Law ! what's the matter? was not I to take it? Oldcaftle. What have I been labouring all this time r Peter. But you did not fhew the money at firft---! could have rtfufed it ever fo long, if I had not feen the colour of it. Oldcaf'le. The way of the worldBut you are never to take it Money is the ruin of the world Ic declares war, it patches up a peace, it makes lawyers fpeak, -it makes fome folks hold their tongues, Go, and think of all this PetJr* r \feS in anhurr y>] Yes > Sir! Oldcafile. And remember you have no bufmefs with money Come, and fhut the ftreet-door after me. Yes, Sir,- [they run cut. SCENE the Street. Enter Lovibond. Lovibond. I mud pay a friendly vifit to brother Old- caftle Ha ! ha! I know things are going wrong with him I muft gratify my curiofity Enter Oldcaftle. Oldcaftle. Brother Lovibond ! I go on as I could wifh my family is all as exact as clock-work i L/ovibond. 64 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Lovibond. I am glad of it, for the laft time I met you- Oldcaftle. I beg your pardon, but now, tail toll loll ! I am completely happy. Enter Brumpton. Brumpton. My dear old friend, I am glad I have met you Oh ! fueh plague ! fuch vexation ! Oldcaftle. Mind him, brother Lovibond you'll fee what order my family is in [a/ide. Brumpton. I was at the houfe but a little while fmce, and-, Oldcaftle. And no admittance, I warrant Bruwptcn. Oh ! the damndeft adventure Oldcaftle. A bucket of water upon your head I rec- konha! ha! Brumpton. Not fo bad as that I got over the gar- den wall, and the adventure is whimfical too the fervants immediately conducted me up flairs, and Oldcaftle. Conducted you up flairs ! Lovibond. Hal ha! mind him brother Biddul - Oldcaftle. [afide to Lovibond] Call me Oldcaftle Lovibond. Come, come, liften to this Brumpton. But, pox take it my ufual good fortune failed me I was not in the room two minutes when old Stiff-rump came tottering up no way for a retreat I was obliged to fkulk in a dark nook, where I was almofl flifled In he came, and the lovely an- gel immediately accofted him in fuch a tone of fim- plicity Lovibond. Simplicity ha! ha! well, well, let us hear Brumpton, The curmudgeon did not utter a fyl- lable walkedabout the room, fetched a deep groan, banged the table with his cane, took her by the arm, ---and led her away with him Lovibond. Ha! ha! anarrowefcape brother Bid- dulph , w- A C O M E D Y. 65 Oldcaftle. Call me Oldcaflle, I fay. Lovibond. Ha 1 ha ! Simplicity is an admirable prefervative of young girls - Ha 1 ha ! well, young gentlemen, and how did all this end ? Brumpton. His back was no fooner turned, than I ftole down ftairs, tipt the fervant a couple of guineas, and fo got clear off. Lovibond. The old gentleman is going on delight- fully - his family is all like clock-work ! ha ! ha ! ha ! - 1 have fatisfied my curiofity - a good day to you. [Exit. Oldcaftle. This is a portal ftroke ! - Oh ! Peter ! Peter! Is this his virtue ? - this his contempt of money ! - this his bucket of water ! [Exif. Brumpton. What a crufty old Cent* per Cent, it is ! Enter Bellford. Bellford. Brumpton ! - Well encountered - I have been in queft of you this hour. - This is the very crifis of your face, man. Brumptcn. Hey ! how ! what's the matter ? Bellford. A train of gunpowder is laid, and there is Sir Theodore with a lighted match ready to blow you to th^ moon. Brumpton. Explain, my dear boy, explain. Bellford. Why then, in plain Englifh - your fa- ther has hired one of the good women who are (killed in the trade of leading young virgins afide : Shej by his directions, is to tempt the miftrefs of your hearc abroad, and then to convey her out of the kingdom, where me will be loft to you for ever. Brumpton. 'Sdeath ! it (han't be. - I'll watch the houfe day and night. W here's that fcoundrel Brifk? Bellford. Poor fellow, it was from him I had this- information ; he is out of his wits about this bufi- Brump- 66 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brumpton. Out of his wits ! he is always out of the way. Not a moment to be loft I'll to my poft directly. Bellford. My affairs are in a thriving way Brumpton. \ am glad to hear it Bellford. Succefs attend you. [Exit. Brumpton. Oh ! the devil ! here's a piece of bufi- nefs. [Exit. SCENE another Street. Enter Brifk, in Woman's Cloaths, with a Bundle under his Arm. One pufh more, and then, Brifk, your toils are over- Come, that's the houfe. As my mafter knows nothing of what I am about, I may have fome chance to fucreed here. Now for a few fuperannuated matron-like airs [knocks at the door^\ 1 found out her mantua-maker by good luck, and fo now I know my cue [Knocks at the door. Enter Peter. Peter. Did you want any body, pray ? No admit- tance here ! Brijk. Yes, truly, young man La! I am fo jaded with walking Oh ! luch a pain in my fide and my head ! it perfectly fwims again 1 muft in and* reft a bit 1 have brought your young lady's wedding-gown. Enter Brumpton. Brumpton. How ! is nor that fhe ? Oh ! the de- ceitiul Machiavel in petticoats. Peter. Why an you bring home her geers, that alter:, r,< c^fl w.ilk in,, Mrs. [Exit. Bri/k. Ay ! the i ttlc lady-bird will be as fine as an angtrj, 1 w-ii raut ha. [goes in. 4 A C O M E D Y, 67 Brumpton. Oh ! the damned decoy-duck, there (he goes furc enough I'll wait for her in the ftreet- 'Sdeath ! fhe may get her out of the back-door I'll alarm the old fellow directly [raps loudly.] The old bawd fhall be put in the ftocks [raps again.] Fire* fire, fire ! Mafter Biddulph Oldcaftle in the Balcony. tildcaftle. What's the matter there? -Who raps at my door in this Brumpton. Mr. Biddulph, Mr. Biddulph ~ Oldcaftle. What do you want ? Brumpton. You'll be robbed of your treafure, of all your heart holds dear Mifs Mary Ann will be ftole from you ^-an old bawd will carry her off Ihe's in your houfe now now how *now Oldcaftle. A bawd in my houfe ? I'll ferret her out, I warrant md [goes in. Brumpton. Now, Sir Theodore, what becomes of your intrigue ? Bravo, Brumpton ! -this is well managed, Enter Brifk, and Oldcaftle beating him. Oldcaftle. Abohiinable procurefs ! Horrible for- ce re fs ! Brumpton. [beating Mm.] Agent of darknefs ! . Minifter of iniquity ! Brifk. Nay, good gentlemen Oldcaftle. Vile feducer ! Deteftable pandar ! Brumpton. Poacher of young game ! Kidnapper of innocence ! Bri/k. For heaven's fake !- I'm down o' my knees have a little mercy ! Oldaftle. Thou gipfy ! Thou witch of Endor ! * Brumpton. Get upon your broomftick and fly away to Lapland ! F 2 Brijk. 68 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brijk. The devil's in the man, he will fpoil all [throwing of bis woman's apparel.] Nay, then, fmce you go to that your fervant, matter ! Brumpton. Confufion ! what have I been doing ? [afide. Brijk. You have been in luck as well as I, maf- ter ! Oldcaftle. A footman in petticoats all this time ! Thou vile impoftor \ Thou Newgate- bird, [beats him again. ~\ Brumpton. Wounds ! matter Oldcaftle all this time ! nay, then I mutt pretend \afide.~\ How dare a iervant of mine, rafcal [beats him.] Brijk. Wounds ! Sir, it was in your fervice. Brumpton. Who gave you orders, villain! [ftriking. Oldcaftle. That's right ! Who gave you orders ! Brumptcn. By what authority ! Qldcaffy. Produce your authority ! Brumpton. To take fuch liberties with your maf- ter. Bri/k. I fhall take the liberty to leave him for ever ! [runs off.} Oldcaftle. This is delightful ! this is charming ! The villain will come no more he has paid the piper ! Brumpton. A fcoundrel to behave in this manner ! Oh, ho, ho ! fuch an incident \ [in a fit of laughing.] An unlucky dog I am Poor Brifk, oh, ho ! Oldcaftle. Mr. Brumpton ! Brumpton. Mr. Oldcaftle ! What, are you Mr. Bid- dulph ail this time ? Oldcaftle. You fee what plague and vexation you was bringing upon your friend Brumpton. My dear fir, why did you not tell me at fiift ! If I had known that I was all this time trefnafllng upon your ground Oldcaftle. You fee what a fcene of iniquity you have been engaged in ! But fmce you perceive your A C O M E D Y. 69 your error, I am pacified. This difcovery is lucky ic will make an end of all. I'll tell you what, you fhall come and explain your miftake to Mary Ann this moment. Brumpton. With the utmoft pleafure, Sir, and wifhing her all happinefs, I will bid her farewel for ever. Oldceftle. That will be right you (hall tell her that you repent, that you now renounce all wicked projects, and are convinced it would be the ruin of her to marry you. Brumpton. Lead the way, Sir ; I am ready to obey your commands. Oldcaftle. Very well ! enough faid {going. Brumpton. One dear interview ! Bravo ! Brump- ton ! you're in luck. [afide. Oldcaftle. [turning about. ~\ What do you fay ? Brumpton. Only that you'll make a fair report of me to Sir Theodore Oldcaftle, Ay 1 ay! that Til do come along Enter Mary Ann in the Balcony. Mary Ann. La ! there's Mr. Brumpton with him : Oldcaftle, You baggage, what do you do there ? Get you iA Did not you hear the people cry fire ? Mary Ann. Aye \ but they cry fo many things in London, I did not mind than Oldcaftle. Get you in, and never be feen in a bal- cony again ! Ic was there you law her firft, Mr. Brumpton -, ha ! ha! I'll have it taken down Come along. {Exeunt. F 3 SCENE yo THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, SCENE the Houfe. %nter Mary Ann, By goles this is pure he is bringing him to fee me 1 have writ another letter fince he has taught me that trick himfelf ! and now I'll give it him jf I can , Enter Oldcaftle and Brumpton. Oldcaftle. Mary Ann, 1 have brought the gentle- man with me. He came to afk your pardon, and to tell you that he was going to be the ruin of you Tell it to her yourlelr, Mr. Brumpton. Mary Ann. I am fure I forgive him with all my heart, fo I do. Oldcaftle. Speak to her, Mr. Brumpton, fpeak to her Brumpton. Madam, I did not know what liberties I was taking with my friend, and though my conduct was infpired by real love, and your refiftlefs charms Oldcaftle. Pftiaw! that's all preamble to the point at once You had a mind to ruin her, fay fo without mincing it Brumpton. I muft now renounce all farther pre- tenfions, fince to adore you any longer would be a violation of fritndfhip, and an injury t6 this worthy gentleman, who has been intimate with my father for hmy years Oldcaftle. You may pafs that by Mary Ann. Ah ! he's a falfe man, and I don't love him \afide. Brumpton. So that I moft humbly beg your par- don Qldcflffle. Go on, go qn-^ [be isfeized with a jit of coughing. Brump- A C O M E D Y. 71 Brumpton. [while Oldcaftle coughs.'] And though I fhall never efface your loved idea from my mind- [he kiffes his hand to her. Mary Ann. \foe fmiles.'] You have my pardon, I told you fo already. Oldcaftle. Oh I lord! lord! [recovering bimfelf.] Weil, have you told her you have done with her for ever ? Brumpton. Yes, I have got fo far Oldcaftle. Very well ! Now, Mary Ann, on your part, let him know your mind. Mary Ann. Muft I fay all out of my own head ? Oldcaftle. Ay ! ay ! tell him all 1 wifh brother Lovibond was witnefs to this! [ajide. Mary Ann. I am very glad you came to fpeak to me, 6ir, and I underftand you very well, [fmiles to him, Oldcaftle. But a little more at large Tell him whom you chufe for an hufband. Mary Ann. Why, here are two lovers, for whom I have very different fentiments I love one of them [frowning at Oldcaftle.] and [fmiling at Brump- ton.] I hate the other. The company of one is al- ways agreeable [to Oldcallle///*/y.] -and [fmiling at Brumntcn.] I don't care if 1 never fee the other's faae. 1 fhould like to be married to one of them [to Oldcaftle.] and [fmiling to Brumpton.] 1 had as fcon be gibbetted, as be mar- ried to the other. But my own Mr. Oldcaftle [toys and plays with him, thin turning to Brumpton.] I love you of all things. Oldcaftle. You have won my heart. Mary Ann. But do you forgive I every thing now ? Ah ! you don't love me. [ftngs ' Go Naughty Man,' and reaches a letter to Brumpton. Oldcaftle. I do in troth I do ha! ha! ha! Mr. Brumpton, you fee I have not fuggefted a word all the dictates of her own heart F 4 Mary 72 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Mary Ann. \ foiling to Brumpton.] All from the very bottom of my heart ! Brunpton. Since I underftand you, Ma'am, I mall remove the hated object from your fight. Mary Ann. The fooner the better, [then turns and plays with Oldcaftle. Brumpton. Mr. Oldcaftle, I have the honour, Sir, to wiih you all happinefs. And I fly this moment to put your commands in execution, Ma'am [going. Mary Ann. You can't go about it too faft. Brumpton. You may rely upon my honour. Mary /inn. And don't let me be unhappy any more. Brumpton. You may depend upon me. Oldcflftle. So fo now I'll attend you down. Po ! no ceremon . You have made me happy, Mr. Brumpton you have made Mary Ann happy. rCome, I'll let you out, Mr. Brump- ton. [Exit, Brumptcn. [biffing his hand to Mary Ann.] I attend you, Sir, [Exit. Mary Ann. By goles, he has taught me a little wit himfelf ; and if Mr. Brumpton follows my direclions s I (hall be pure and happy at laft. End of the Fourth A c T. ACT f. A C O M E D Y. 73 A C T V. SCENE Lovibond's Houft. Enter Harriet and Bellford. ffomV.TT US H! don't fpeak fo loud, you'll [ give the alarm elfe to my keepers be- low ftairs, and all is ruin'd I don't know what to lay, Mr. Bellford j my heart begins to fail me Bellford, But after furmounting every difficulty, now in this laft ftage of the bufinefs to let your fpirits fink, would be fuch a falling off from the character you have fupported this day , a character that fur- pafTes all the heroines in romance, both for fpirit and contrivance. Harriet. The difficulties I had to encounter rouzed my fpirits for a while, juft as fits give us for the time, more than our natural ftrength ; but now the conflict's over, my refolution ftaggers, and I am at full leifure to feel the weaknefs of my condition I can't go through it, Mr. Bellford, I can't indeed Bellford. Nay, fummon up your refolution Our mutual vows,, the happinefs that waits us, every motive, a thoufand things confpire, and call for all the conftancy you are miftrefs of Harriet. But then to break through all the pro- prieties of conduct all the decencies which my fex requires Bellford. In a cafe like yours, the means are juft which fave you from deftruction Harriet. I tremble for the event I fhan't be able to efcape Bellford. Truft yourfelf to me, my love 'tis but an eafy ftep out of the window down upon the leads, nd then through the neighbouring houfe the peo- pie 7 74 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, pie are in my intereft come, refume your cou- rage you cannot doubt my honour Harriet. But the cenfure of the world nay, your own opinion of me Bellford. The world will admire your fpirit, and when 'tis known, that the old gentleman was your dupe, and carried on the plot himfelf, your inven- tion will be applauded every where Harriet. Why, I can almoft laugh at him even now [hears Lowland earning.^ Deliver me ! what mall I do ? undone ! detected ! Bellfcrd. This is the confcquence of delaying too long Harriet. Run into this room ; make hade dif- patch \jhuts him in} and to make fafe work [Puts the key in her pocket. Enter Lovibond. Lovibond. Harriet, I am never happy but in your company the minutes move with leaden feet, when I am out of your preirnce Harriet. And yet, you ill-natured man ! you can contrive to be out more than half the dav Lovibond. Chide me not ; you'll bre^k my heart if you do every frown on that face is a death- warrant, and every fmile is benefit: of clergy come, come, brighten up into happinefs and love. Harriet, You know your power over me you can do what you pleaie with your own Harriet ! Lovibond. Can 1 ? you are too good. Harriet. Where have you been all this time ? Lovibond. I have been but you look pale what is the matter ? Harriet. Occafioned by fretting at your abfence--- and that hideous man keeps me in a conftant alarm Lovibond. Don't wafts a thojght on him he'll trouble you no more tho', to d? him juftice, I be- lieve his intentions were honourable poor devil ! ha! A C O M E D Y. 75 ha ! ha ! I fancy he loves you dearly Well ! but- poor brother Oldcaftle! your lifter has fo bam- boozled him Harriet. My fifter ! Lovibond. She has admitted a young gentleman to vifu her Harriet. She could not be fo wicked ! Lovibond. The girl has not erred fo much from an evil difpofition, as from ignorance Harriet' A very fmall (hare of fenfe, Mr. Lovi- bond, will give fufficient intimations of our duty Lovibcnd. Very true now the like of you, would not have done ftich a thing for the world ! Harriet. Not to be emprefs of the univerfe . The young men of this age are fuch a profligate race. : Lovibond. You are fit to inftruft grey hairs the young gentleman one Mr. Brumpton a wild fiery young fpark he was in the very houfe with her, and (he hid him in the clofet ha! ha! Harriet. In the clofet ! well ! after that, I will never own her for my fifter! the wicked girl ! I am glad I have not vifited her Lovibond. Ha! ha! ha! poor man! he never lufpected any thing had it been my cafe, I fhould have fmoked'it in a moment Harriet. Without doubt ! there is no impofing upon you Lovibond. Oh! no no fuch thing ha! ha! I can fee thro' a millftone-^-the eye of an eagle for a plot! But come come it begins to grow late come, let me hand you to your chamber, and then I'll lock you in lafe from all harm till morning. Harriet. Heavens ! what (hall i do now ? [ajide] Huih ! let me fay a word to you firft -don't fpeak loud. My fifter is indeed much worfe than you can conceive 1 wifh you would ftep and Bring Mr. Oldcaftle hither diredly. Lovibond. Now ! what occafion can there be Harriet. ?6 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Harriet. She loves that Mr. Brumpton to diftrac- tion, and has actually made her efcape, to follow the vile man. Lovibond. Made her efcape ! Harriet. She is in that room now 1 have lock- ed her in fuch wicked fchemes as me has in her head ! She has told me all, and intends to marry this Mr. Brumpton : me has found out that me is of age, and fays me will be made a fool of no longer! there's a fpirit for you ! Lovibond. A fpirit indeed ! Harriet. But I have fecured her to prevent the difgrace, to ward off the ruin and Lovibond. That was confiderate of you let me go and talk to the young vixen. Harriet. No no that will fpoil all 1 have pretended to connive at all this But the mod prudent ftep, 1 have learned all my prudence, you know, from you Lovibond. Ay ! an apt fcholar you have been ! Harriet. You are very good but there is no time to be loft I would have you bring Mr. Old- caftle here directly, that he may find her in the very fact. Lovibond. Very good ! and then I mall be able to do the poor man a fervice, and make a jeft of him into the bargain ! Keep her fafe ; don't let her out this will fo torment him ! ha ! ha ! [Exit. Harriet. I am glad my fitter has found a lover, and I hope fhe'll marry him with all my heart. Is he gone ? [liftens at the door,'] Ay! I hear him lock the ftreet-door after him and now I'll venture to unlock this door. Enter Bellford. Eellford. Thou charming contriver ! Harriet. Oh! this new danger has given frefli vigour to my fpirits. Eellford. A C O M E D Y. 77 Eelford. And now, my angel, we'll make fure of our happinefs come, truft yourfelf to my care Harriet. And yet Eelford. Nay, no more doubts our pafTage to the next houfe is without difficulty, and then li- berty is ours. [Exeunt. SCENE the Street. Enter Lovibond. Lovibond. I never was better pleafed in all my life I burn with impatience to fee him ha ! ha ! I mall never be able to walk faft enough ha ! ha ! ha! Enter Oldcaftle. Lovibond. Well met ! I wanted to fee you. Oldcaftle. Oh ! I am now the happieft man ort earth. My troubles with young Brumpton are all at an end, and Mary Ann is fafe at home. Lovibond. He has locked up the ftable, but hia mare is gone ha ! ha ! [a/idc. Oldcaftle. You may laugh, but I mall like to fee your plan fuccecd as well what a dupe you will prove at laft ! Lovibond. What a dupe you are now ! the bird is flown, man ; Mary Ann has eloped Oldcaftle. Ha! ha f ha! you make me laugh. Lovibond. How (ecu re he is ! ha ! ha ! he little dreams 1 tell you me is gone . Oldcaftle. Always abfurd ! \going out - Lovibor.d. [following him.] You are ruined, I tdl you. Oldcaftle. Ha! ha! do you think I don't kno'-v better. [Exeunt. Enter Harriet and Bellford. Eellford. Don't alarm you .elf, my an-n-i this is my honk [knocks at the doer. Harriet. 78 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Harriet. Oh ! I (hall certainly faint Enter Brumpton. Brumpton. My dear Bellford Harriet. Heavens ! what's the matter ? JSrumpton. Don'c be frightened, Ma'am Bellford. No this is a friend of mine well f Brumpton, the bufmefs ! Brumpton. My deareft Bellford, this is the mod critical moment of my life I have bribed the fcr- vants carried her off (he is mine mine for ever will you give me a room in your houfe for this one night ? Bellford. Why this ceremony ? you know you may command in my houfe "Re-enter Oldcaftle and Lovibond. Oldcaftle. What noife is that ? Lovibond. That's Brumpton, I know his voice Harriet. I am frightened to death. Brumpton. THe door opens, walk in, ma'am, walk in [ Harriet goes in. Belford. Light the lady up (lairs ! Oldcaftle. Hum ! Let us hear him Brumpton. \ am wild with love, with rapture, and fuccefs ! 1 have carried her fairly off", in triumph, my dear boy ! She was locked up in a clofet, but 1 broke open the door Bellford I give you joy but my own happinefs calls bring the lady as foon as you wiil [Exit. Brur,:pton. A thcvfand thanks, my dear Bellford Vicloiia ! the prize is mine. [Exit, L&vihond. Are you convinced now ! Oldcaftle. I am thunderftruck Robbery ! Mur- der ! 1'Jl break open the door Watchman, call a juftice of peace call Sir Theodore Brumpton he lives juft by Mr. Oldcaftle wants him his fon has robbed me I'll alarm all the world ! \rt!fs at the door-] Robbery ! ihipwreck ! deftruc- tiOn ! ruin ! LcvibonJ. A C O M E D Y. 79 Lowibond. Ha ! ha ! he feels it now, and I am not lorry for him ha ! ha ! Oldcaftle. I am mad, I fhall go diftraded ; I fhail end my days in Bedlam [Enter a fervant.] I would fain fpeak a word here in the houfe. Servant. Sir, my mafter is fomewhat bufy, and Oldcaftle. I am plundered 1 muft go in oh ! villain! villain! [rujhes in. Lovibond. H?. ! ha ! now will he fee which can train up a young girl belt. [Exit. SCENE an Apartment in Bellford's Houfe. Enter Bellford. What's all this noife \[liftens at the door .'\ Ay I I hear his voice How could my booby let him in ? But I have lodged her fafe, and this fword mail maintain poffeffion . Enter Oldcaftle and Lovibond. Oldcajlle. Where is (he ? Where is the unfortu- nate ! Sir, you are a receiver of ftolen goods, and the receiver is as bad as the thief! Reftore her di- rectly, reftore her to her two guardians- We tome to demand her of you. Lovibond. Yes, we demand her, Sir we know file is here and therefore Bellford. My houfe is my caftle, gentlemen, and nobody muft offer . Oldcaftle. I'll fearch your houfe I'll get a general warrant She is an heirefs a ward of the high court of Chancery- 'tis a contempt ; you'll be committed for it; fhe is our property, in law and equity I claim her, I demand her ; and I will have her. BeUtord. This is an unfeafonable hour, gentle- men ; to-morrow I fhall be ready to anfwer your complaints ; in the m^an time, I muft beg you will leave me in quiet pofleffion of my own houfe. Lovi- So THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Lovibond. But we are her guardians, Sirboth her guardians the girl is under age ! Bellford. Mr. Lovibond, you are her guardian ; and what then, Sir ? -Both of ye fcandalous betray- ers of your truft !- I know it alleach circumftance -You would impofe upon her tender years, that you may infamoufly plunder that prpperty which was confided to your care ! Lovibond. \afide. J There is a cloud gathering !-- We {hall both be brought to a ftricl account---! had better make up this matter, that I may enjoy my own Harriet in fecurity OldcaftU. You have run away with an heirefs, and by the law of the land - Bellford. I have a right to her ; I know (he is of age, Sir, and it is my fixed refolution to marry her ; (he has declared in my favour, and nothing (hall be a bar to my happinefs ! Oldcaftle. [to Lovibond.] She is of age fure enough -, how did he find that out ? \afidc. Lovibond. Better make the beft of a bad bargain [a/ide.] But let me underftand you, Mr. Bellford; do you intend to marry her yourfelf ? Bellford. It is my peremptory refolution. But all in honour, Sir marriage articles, for the purpofe of fettling her whole fortune upon herfelf, are now drawing in the next room. Lovibond. I fee what courfe I muft take. If he marries her, 1 (hall live in peace. [afide.] Mr. Old- caftle, the girl is of full age. Let me fay a word in your ear [a/ide to ;OT.] -confent to the marriage, and get a handfome allowance for the trouble and ex- pence of her education That word makes me laugh ha! ha! ha! Oldcajtle. I am diftra&ed -, what mail I do ? \ajids.] I thought young Brumpton was to marry her? Bellford. No Brumpton on earth (hall rob me of her ! cut A C O M E D Y. 81 Oldcaftle. The trouble, and the fondnefs with which we have reared her Lovibond. He will allow for that- - Oldcaftle. I have long iov'd her Can't you .refign her now, you will be the death of me elfe ? Lovibond. Think no more of her (he is not wor- thy of your regard. Mr. Bellford will behave like a gentleman in matters of account, and Bellford. Prefcribe your terms 1 am ready to agree the matter this moment--- Oldcaftle. A releafe for the intereft of rents and pro- fits a cool five thoufand for extraordinary trouble, and for her mufic-mafter and her dancing- matter- - Lovibond. He was her only mailer himfeif ha ! ha ! Bellford. Agreed! Lovibond. Clofe with him clofe with him di- rectly Oldcaftle. I wifh you would refign her to me--- Bellford. I will not defer my happinefs beyond to- morrow morning ! My lawyer is in the next room ; Jet him draw up a memorandum between us, and your conditions are granted. Lovibond. It (hall be done we will both fign Come, don't hefitate. [to Oldcaftle. Oldcaftle. I mall break my heart ! Lovibond. Po ! no hefitating, come and finifli the bufinefs ! Oldcaftle. It is a terrible ftroke ! Lovibond. Never ft-and debating you have made the beft of a bad bargain lofe no time- [forcing him along. Oldcaftle. But, Mr. Bellford Lovibond. We mud refign her- -we mutt give her up Come along, man. [forces him out. Bellford. I attend you, gentlemen I agree to your propofals. [following them. G Ente r S2 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Enter Brumpton and Mary Ann. Brumpton. Walk in, my angel; you are fccure here. Belljord. Ha! Brumpton---! give you joy I con- gratulate you too, ma'am- and Mary Ann, I thank you kindly, fir. Brumpton. And now, Bellford, thro* the perils of this day we have both at laft attained our utmoft wifhes. I could be merry about it, but I-muft give my fellow Brifk fome directions. I have fuch a ftory to tell you- ha ! ha ! I (hall be with you in an in- ftant. [Exit. Mary Ann. La ! what a pretty room here is ! Bellford. Your appearance tells me, ma'am, that my friend Brumpton has found a treafure. Mary Ann. I am fure, I am fortunate in finding him for 1 led fuch a life ; you can't think how dii- mal ! Bellford. The fcene will now be changed, and the pleafures of life will court you on every fide. Enter OldcaRle. Oldcafle. Oh ! the little compound of treachery and fraud ! [afide, and liftening. Mary Ann. I was kept from morning to night mew- ed up at home, and he talked fuch a parcel of bug- bears to frighten a body Qldcaftle, Oh the traitrefs ! Mary Ann. And he faid if I looked at a fweet fmil- ing young gentleman, that I fhouid be murdered, and devoured, and fwallowed up ! Beltford. An old blockhead ! Mary Ann. Yes, I thought as much But I am fure I am obliged to Peter and Bridget for letting me out, and they mall come and live with me, fo they fhal! Do you know our Peter and Bridget ? Oldcajlle. They (hall both be hanged. [af.de. Mary Ann. And my old guardian wanted to marry me himfeif, but [laugh.'] he talked in fuch a manner, A C O M E D Y. 83 manner, and faid fuch ftrange things But \laugks.~\ -the joke was, he taught me how to write letters, and I mould never have thought of fuch a thing had he not put me in the head on't And he is fo old, and totters about fo ; and he calls me his lambkin ; and bids me read the marriage aft, and a heap of trum- pery. An hideous, ugly, old fcare crow ! La! there he is. [Jhe is difconcerted. Oldcaftle. I have figned, Mr. Bellford, and they wait for you. Bellford. I (hall give you no delay, Sir. [Exit. Oldcaftle. Thou ferpent, whom I have warmed and cherifhed in my bofom !---you muft fling your bene- factor at laft, muft you ? Did not I promife to mar- ry you ? Mary Ann. Yes, but by goles, I thank you for that tho' Oldcaftle. And will you defert me for a ft ranger ? Mary Ann. [Jhe laugh$.~\ He's a fweet man ! Oldcaftle. Viper !- this is your fimplicity, is it ??-- I, who loved you fo-- Mary Ann. Ah ! but his love is more agreeable by half. Enter Lovibond and Bellford. Lovibond. Well ! now every thing is fettled. So, madam, you are there, are you ? ha ! ha ! Brother Oldcaftle, I always told you how this would end ha ! ha! ha! Oldcaftle. If fhe had minded my inftruftions- - Lovibond. Ka ! ha! Inftrudions ! You brought it ail upon yourielf -but 'tis better as it is your head would have ached all the reft of your days- -ha! ha ! ha ! I am heartily glad of this- ha! ha!---Come, Mr. Bellford, I'll give her away here, take your wife - Oldcajtle. Wounds ! I can'c (land this I'll not be a witnefs. [gees out ^ G 2 Lovi- 8j. THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Lovibcnd. But you fhall be a witnefs , you are a party concerned--you muft come back.[#// after him. Bellford. Since they have agreed the matter, Harriet fhall make her appearance. {Exit. Mary Ann alone. What does all this mean ! Sure it can't be fitter Harriet he talks of. Lovibond. [without.'] You muft, you (hall come back. Enter Bellford, leading in Harriet. Bellford. Don't be frightened you are the object of my heart, and they will give you away. Lovibond. [/cm^/wOldcaftle, without looking be- hind him.} You are a party to the agreement you mud fee her given away. Bellford. Here's the lady, [leading her to Lovibond. Lovibond. Ay ! ay ! give me her \atod-\witbout feeing her.'] you mall fee the bufmefs done, Mr. Old- caftle. Here, here wounds! what's all this ?- Harriet! * Oldcaftle. Huzza! a reprieve ! Mary Anne. Ah I filler there what have yon been writing letters too ! \goes up to her.} I be glad to lee you Lovibond. What does all this mean ? what brought you hither, Madam ? Harriet. My love for this gentleman. [She takes Bellford by the hand. Oldcaftle. Ha! ha! ha !- (he is his wife all this time Harriet. I was not by any means worthy of you, Sir and fo I have transferred my affections where I think they will be placed to advantage ! Lovibond. I am ready to link into the ground with amazement ! Oldcajlle. Loll, toll, loll ! ---brother Lovibond ! you brought it all upon yourfelf- ha! ha! ha 1 I pity A C O M E D Y. * s I pity and laugh at you ha ! ha ! this is the educa- tion you have given her ha ! ha ! Lovibond, I (hall die upon the fpot Oldcaftle. Ha! ha! I faw what it would all end in [follows him about, ,] She would have been too young a wife for you, man- ha ! ha ! I am heartily glad of it here, here, I'll give her away here Mr. Bellford, take your wife Bellford. I accept her at your hand Harriet. And I give you mine, withall my heart! Oldcaftle. Now, who underftands education ? Come, madam, come you home with me [taking hold of Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Ah ! but I can't do that, for I be married as well as you, lifter [runs over to her.] he carried me to a parfon, and it was for all the world, like what you ufed to fay [to Oldcaftle] about love, honour, and obey Oldcaftle. What do I hear ? Enter Brumpton. Brumpton. Oh ! ho ! ho ! what a day of adven- tures have I had ! but fortune has at laft crowned me with fuccefs My good genius has attended me throughout- my Tweet, my lovely bride ! Oldcaftle. On ! Mr. Brumpton ! -what a life you have led me ! / Enter Sir Theodore, and Brifk. Sir Theodore. Where is the gracelefs, the profli- gate, the abandoned! So Sir ! [to Brumpton.] why am I to be called out of my houfe on account of your midnight practices ! Oldcajile. Oh ! Sir Theodore, I am glad you are come your fon will be the death of me ! Sir Theodore. What does all this mean, Sir'! 4 Brumpton. 86 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS, Brumptcn. That I am married to this lady, Sir Oldcaftle. He has robbed me of her ; plundered me y he will go to the gallows for it (he is an heirefs ! Lovibond. Well ! this is fome comfort ha ! ha f brother Oldcaftle, we are both in the fame predica- ment. Sir Theodore. An heirefs fay you ?. George, give me your hand, fince you have not thrown yourfelf away and was it your ward all this time ? Bfumtton. Yes, Sir, ha! ha! ha! this is the lady whom he called a milliner's prentice ha ! ha ! Sir Theodore. Ha! ha! and that was his fetch to deceive me, was it ? ha ! ha ! Lovibond. Ha ! ha ! you have managed it charmingly ha ! ha ! Oldcajlki You'll drive me mad all of you Brumpton. T Sir Theodore.* Ha! ha! ha! \alllaugbbeartily. Lovibond. J Mary Ann. This is pure comical ; Oldcajtle. Oh ! I fhali never furvive this ! Sir Theodore. Nay, no uneafmefs, Mr. Old- caftle. Brijk. I, fancy we need not think any more of Hampfhire now, Sir Theodore ! Sir Theodore. What are you there, Brifk ? You have been a fad rogue. Brijk. I have been working for the good of your family, Sir ! Sir Theodore. So you have ; I forgive you all- George, 1 give you joy with all my heart. Brumpton. You fee, Sir, I have married a for- tune for the good of my children , and the lady's beauty I fancy won't offend you. L Sir Theodore. No, I embrace her as my daughter. Mary Anne. Ah ! you are very good, Sir Sir A C O M E D Y. 87 Sir Theodore. Come, Mr. Oldcaftle, never be de- jected Oldcaftle. Oh ! I have loft a treafure Brumptcn. Yet you muft excufe me, Sir, when- you recoiled the letter the lady flung rne out of the window ! Lovibond. Flung him a letter ! ha ! ha ! Brumpton. And when you reflect, that you your- felf brought me into her prefence to receive this lec- ter, in which me prays me to be her deliverer ! [gives him the letter. Lovibond. Ha! ha ! the contriver of his own mis- fortunes ! Gave her the opportunity himfelf ha! ha! Bellford. And when you confider, Mr. Lovibond, that you brought me Harriet's meffages, and delivered me this letter with your own hand ! Lovibond. How is this ! [reading it to himfelf. Harriet. A declaration of my heart I had fto- body to carry it but you ! Oldcajlle. The contriver of his own ruin ! deliver- ed her letter himfelf ! ha ! ha ! how well he knows the world ! Brumpton. Bellford, give me your hand and fo we have been ftruggling hard for two fillers all this time ! Bellford. We have, and from henceforth (hall live both friends and brothers! Oldcaftle. Oh! Mary Ann! you have deceived me, but I ("hall be glad to fc-e you happy. Mary Ann. And I am fure, I mail bi always glad to fee you, if you live thefe three years to come Here's your marriage act for you ! Sifter Harriet, la ! I longed like any thing to fee you and I am glad we are both happy at laft--- Brumpton. A right ufe made of this event, will be of general fervice to us all To thefc g-ntlemen it may prove a School for Guardians, where ih.-y will learn 88 THE SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS. learn not to bring upon themfelves the reproach of a diftioneft, an amorous, and contemptible old age We, Bellford, and thefe ladies, who are now em- barked on a voyage for life, we cannot fail of happinefs To youth fure rapture marriage ever brings, When from efteem the happy union fprings. FINIS. No One's Enemy but His Own. COMEDY j In THREE ACTS, As it is PERFORMED at the THEATRE-ROYAL in COVENT-GARDEN, Plenus nmarum futn ; hac atque iliac perfluo. TER LONDON, Printed for P. VAILLANT, facing Southampton-ftreet, in the Strand. MDCCLXIV, P R O L O G U E. Spoken by Mr. SMITH. BOLD was the man, and fenc'd in ev'ry part With oak, and ten-fold brafs about the heart, To build a play who tortur'd firft his brain, And then dar'd launch it on this ftormy main. What tho', at firft, he fpreads his little fails To HeavVs indulgent and propitious gales, As the land gradual leiTens to his eye He finds a troubled fea, and low'ring fky : Envy, detraction, calumny, and fpite, Raife a worfe ftorm than when the winds unite. Around his bark, in many a dang'rous (hoal, Thofe monfters of the deep, .the critics, prowl, " She's a weak veffcl, for theie feas unfit, " And has on board her not a fpice of wit : *' She's French-built too; of foreign make," they cry; Like geefe ftill cackling that the Gauls are nigh. If thrown on rocks by the hoarie dalhing wave, Th* unhappy crew no hand is ftretch'd to fave ; But round the wreck, like Moors, with furious joy, The witlings crowd to murder and deftroy. Thefe are known dangers ; and, ftill full as certain, The bard meets other ills behind the curtain. Little you think, ere yet you fix his fate, What previous mifchiefs there in ambufh wait ; What plagues arife from all the mimic throng : *' My part's too (hort ; and, Sir, my part's too Jong.'^ . This PROLOGUE, This calls for incident j that repartee. Down the back-ftairs pen an efcape for me"." Give me a ladder, Mr. Bayes, of rope ; I love to wear the breeches, and elope. Something for me the groundlings ears to fplit. Write a dark clofet, or a fainting-fit. Fix Woodward in fome whimficaldifgrace: Or be facetious with Ned Shuter's face." This is our way; and yet our bard to night Removes each obftacle, and fprings to light. Some fcenes, we hope, he brings to nature true; j Some gleams of humour, and a moral too -, > But no ftrange monfters offers to your view : 3 No forms, grotefque and wild, are here at ftrife: He boafts an etching from the real life ; Exerts his efforts, in a polifh'd age, To drive the Smithfield mufes from the ftage; By eafy dialogue would win your praife, And on fair decency graft all his bayes. Lately Pubtijhed, By the Author of this Piece, s. d. The Orphan of China. A Tragedy. i 6 The Defert I fond. A Dramatic Poem, i 6 The Way to Keep Him. A Comedy, i 6 All in the Wrong. A Comedy. i 6 The Apprentice. A Farce. t o The Upholfterer. A Farce. i o The Old Maid. ------ i o The Citizeo. ;.---. --io Alfo, juft Publifhed, As it was intended to be Ailed at the Theatre Royal in Covent- Garden, What WE muft ALL come to. A Comedy of Two Acts, Price i s, Dramatis Perfbnse. . MEN, CARELESS, Mr. WOODWARD. SIR PHILIP FIGUREIN, Mr. SHUTER, WISELY, Mr. Ross. . BELLFIELD, Mr. SMITH. BLUNT, Mr. CLARKE. BRAZEN, Servant to Wifely, Mr. GUSHING. . A SERVANT to Carelefs, Mr. WELLER. CRIB, a Taylor, Mr. COSTOLLO. LAjEUNESSE, a French Barber, Mr. HOLTOM. - ,ir WOMEN. HORTENSIA, Mrs. WARD. LUCINDA, Mifs ELLIOTT. SCENE, WINDSOR. No One's Enemy but his own A C T I. CARELESS and BLUNT, BLUNT. R all that, Carelefs, I wifh you had F ^ a little of that man in your ccmpofi- k.^^JM( CARELESS. Of him ! of Wifely !- - My dear Blunt, not for the wide world. - Wifely has, indeed, the name of a good fort of a lenfibk kind of man and he is fo but the heart is never concerned in what he fays or docs. BLUNT. Why, as to his heart, according to the way of the world - B CARE- 2 N O O N E's E N E M * CARELESS. He has none, Sir ; no hearc at all : his affec-. tlons are all contracted into a narrow attention to felf ; and his understanding acts the iublervient part td (cherries of intereft. ^~ BLUNT. Why that is the very quality I wifli you pof- fefied a little of ; you would not then be lia- ble to ridiculous mifcarriages in every thing you undertake. GARBLES S. There ! going again to harp upon my indif* cretions. But prithee no more of that 1 am wonderfully altered. 'Tis true, I have had hi- rherto an unguarded op^nnefs of temper j buc that's ail over. BLUNT. All over ! My dear Carelefs, you will ne- ver give it over. You are the very fieve of your own intentions, the Marplot of your own de- figns, CARELESS. Oh ! no, no ^1 am very fecret of late. BLUNT. 'Sdeath, man, I would as foon truft a fecret with the printer of a daily paper. Was it noc but the other day you loft a feat in parliament by not keeping your own counfel ? CARELESS. There again now you wrong me: Sir William's intereft was weaken'd, and B L UN T. Pfha ! I know the whole affair : You blabbed the fcheme, and a whifperfrom above to the cor- poration undid you. CARE- B U T H I S O W N. 2. CARELESS. Well! well! that has taught me wifdom.-*- BLUNT. Wifdom ! have you faid nothing of Lucinda lately ? CARELESS. Not a fyllable. BLUNT. Have not you ihewn her letter to any body ? CARELESS. Letter ! why a BLUNT, You have (hewn it -, and there is captain Wim-. ble in a fury about a paragraph relating to him- felf. CARELESS. Captain Wimble ! I r l-now there, upon jny foul, I am very ill ufed. 1 never fhewe4 that letter to any body but Jack Tattle , under the feal of fecrecy too.T-rThere is no fueh thing $s trufting any body. BLUNT. It was not he betray'd you. CARELESS. Nobody elfe favv a fyllable of it, BLUNT. Not my lady Betty Gabble ? CARELESS. My lady Betty ! I I repeated a paflage to my lady Betty Gabble, merely by way of con- verlation. BLUNT. And by way of converfation you are for ever all your own fchemes. 3 NO ONE's ENEMY CARELESS. Well, if that's the cafe, a Jew without re- nouncing fhall as foon gain admiffion to the Pope's toe, as any man get into my fecrets again. *B L U N T. Caution is neceffary, let me tell you, CareJefs; men are inquifitive into other people's bufmefs. CARELESS. So they are, Sir. BLUNT. Ridicule and raillery are the tafte of the age : ?very one you meet is a pleafant fellow , he has picked up a character, an incident, a ftory, a damn'd high flory ; and fo a friend is facrificed to the fport of the next company. CARELESS. Very true ; 1 find it fo ; but I am a new man grown, notwithftanding all your criticifms upon my character. BLUNT. A new man } Why you have ruin'd yourfelf with Luanda : She'll never marry you. CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! you fee now I can keep a fecret. r Ha I ha ! my dear Blunt, I don': intend to marry Jber. BLUNT. No! CARELESS. No ; that has been fettled this week ^ and tho' you and I live here at Windfor in .the fame houfe, ha ! ha ! I have kept it from you thefe x or fcven days. BLUNT, B U T H I S O W N, 5 BLUNT. Well , if you have fufficient motives for break-r ing off - CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! - You muft not be in the cabinet-council of my amours. - Ha! ha ! tho' ha ! ha ! you will be furpriz'd when you know my reafons. - Ha ! ha I the greatell thing in the world for me. - Ha ! ha ! B L U N T. Well, if it is fo, be upon your guard. CARELESS. Yes, yes ; that's abfolutely necefTary : it allde^ pends upon fecrecy. - Ha ! ha ! - -It's a pro-, digious hit. BLUNT. You'll defeat it yourfelf. Thou'rt an honeft fellow, Carelefs, and no one's enemy but your: own. CARELESS. Never fear me ; ha ! ha ! you'll be rejoic'd when you hear ir. - Ha ! ha ! BLUNT. I hope fo. ' CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! you would never have fufpected it. . - Ha! ha ! - It will aftonifh the world how I brought it about. Ha ! ha ! - 1 have a mind to give you a hint. BLUNT. There again now ! CARELESS. How can you be fo fupercilio'us ? Telling you is nothing. Ha ! ha ! My dear Blunt, if you \vill promife me <... 3 L U N 1. NO ONE's ENEMY BLUNT. I had rather not hear it. CARELESS. It will fo aftorvifhyou. Ha! ha! I fhali have a borough of my own. BLUNT. Well, but why need you fpeak ? I had ra- ther CARELESS. Only to you, only to you. Ha ! ha ! it will fo furprize you : The charming, youthful, lovely widow r. 3 L U N T. Prythee, man, lock it up in your own bread. CARELESS. Hortenfia, my boy ! Ha ! ha ! In a few days I am to be married to her. BLUNT. Hortenfia! how the devil could you get accefs to her. Her way of life is fo retir'd CARELESS. I knew it would furprize you. Is it no$ a great affair ? B L U N T. Very great indeed ! CARELESS. My dear Blunt, I am ruin'd if a fyllable tran-. fpires. She can't bear to be the topic of the day -, {he has broke off feveral matches becaufe her lovers were imprudent enough to make her the tea-table talk. Eater BUT HIS OWN. g Enter a SERVANT. SERVANT. Your honour's taylor, Sir, from London, and your peruke- maker. CARELESS. Shew them in. [Exit Servant.] Thefe are- preparations for my wedding. Ha ! ha ! . Have not I manag'd it well ? BLUNT. Well, nbto continue to "be upon your guard till all*s concluded. While yoii are bufy with thefe fellows, I'll juft ftep and write a fhort let- ter. Wifely fets out for London to-day, and he'll take my letter with him. CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! How the world will flare ! Ha! ha! BLUNT. They will fo. CARELESS. But you fee all depends upon clofe manage- ment : Now, if you have the friendfhip for me you have always profefs'd, let me entreat you BLUNT. Be watchful of yourfelf, my dear Carelefs, and - CARELESS. Oh ! you may be fure of me j it's too deep a flake ha ! ha ! [Exit Blunt. Notwithftanding his notions of my character,. he fees now that 1 ha ! ha ! 2 Mater f NO ONE's ENEMY Enter C&IB and LA JEUNESSE. CARELESS. Walk in, Mr. Crib. Monfieur La JeunefTe, ' lien venue. LA JEUNESSE. Monfieur, I have de honour of make you fuch wig as by gar was never Teen. CRIB. And I, Sir, have brought you fuch a fuit of deaths 1 (hall fo admire them when your ho- nour has them on. The greateil pleafure of my life is to admire my own cloaths. LA JEUNESSE. By gar, me go to de Mall every Sunday, on purpofe to fee my wig walk by. CARELESS. Gentlemen, ye are both eminent in your vo* cations, CRIB. Ah, Sir ! you will be fuch a handfome bride- groom in this fuit. Will your honour pleafe to try it on ? CARELESS. You adapt your work fo perfectly to my per- fon, Mr. Crib, that I am fure it fits me. Mon- fieur La JeunelTe, you may try on the wig. LA JEUNESSE. De tout mon cccur a ca wid dis wig you will look comme un ange. Dis wig ! pardie, it is not wig, it is head of hair a fa. Has it de honour of being eafy on de head ? CARE- BUT HIS OWN. g CARELESS. v Vaftly well, Monfieur La Jeunefie. LA JEUNESSE. Voions ! it is nature make dat, and not me* CRIB. With my cloaths on, Sir, madam Luanda will fo admire CARELESS. You think I am to be married to her, do you* mailer Crib ? C R I 6. So the world fays, your honour. ; CARELESS, The world! ha! ha! LA J E'U N E S S E. It is ver fine demoifelte ; and it will be fo en amour wid my wig. CARELESS. Ha! ha! you are two foolim fellows. And fo you think me is the happy woman, do ye ? LA JEUNESSE. It is all de talk of de great worl. CARELESS. The great world is greatly miftaken. I don't think of her. BLUNT [Entering]. What is he about now ? CARELESS. An intrigue with Lucinda might be agreeable enough , and, not to mince the matter, I believe I fhall bring it to that. The lady feems to think her fortune places her above ccnfnrcj and C flic ic NO ONE's ENEMY fhe coquets with fo many men, that hang me if I don't believe (he means to keep her eftate in her own hands, and to have all the pleafures of matrimony without parting with her power. LA JEUNESSE. Monfieur, that is a leetle a-la-mode. CARELESS. Yes, I fancy I {hall have an affair with the lady. LA JEUNESSE. By gar, monfieur, you may have intrigue wid who you will. My wig it is not eafy refift. I affure you, my wig it have more intrigue dan any body at all. ? " C R I B. And my cloaths, Sir ; my cloaths have had more fine women And fo your honour does not think cf marriage ? CARELESS. Not with Lucinda , but I mail be married for all that. Ha! ha!- You muft not take any notice. LA JEUNESSE. Oh ! d'honneur ! CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! when you hear of a rich blooming widow B L U N T. Death and fury ! he is going to divulge all. Carelefs, I have finifli'd my letter. CARELESS. Have you ?~ Gentlemen, I have no furthet Occafion CRIB. B U T H I S O W N. IT CRIB. Your honour's moil obedient. LA JEUNESSE. By gar, I long to know my wig who it is to be married to. [Exit Crib and La Jeuneffc. B L U N T. For fhame, CareJels ! 'You were going to truft theie fellows : And you blabb'd about., Lucinda. CARELESS. Pfha ! that's nothing; they are two filly raf- cals, and will think no more about it. BLUNT. And thus you reconcile yourfelf to your fol- lies. *-But don't you know, that tho' Hortenfia may have as prompt inclinations as any of her fex, (he feems to act more from judgment than dcfirc ? C A R' E L E S S. Yes, man, I know all that. She fays fo her- felr, here in a charming, charming-note flic fent me yefterday. [Pie fear ches for *'/.] Where the devil is it ? Zoons ! I have not loft it! Here, Richard, G'. orge, run to my room, and fee if I have left a letter there. I was upon the terras laft night 'Sdeath, if I dropt it there B L U N T. This is being qualified for a fecret now. CARELESS. Confufion ! this will be the' devil and all. Ho ! no ! I have it fafe. You fee, Blunt, I am clofe enough. Now yon (hail hear it. C 2 Enter 12 NO ONE'S ENEMY Enter WISELY. WISE L'Y. Gentlemen, your fervant. Is your letter rea- dy, Blunt? CARELESS. My dear Wifely, I am forry we are to lofe you. Some difappointment in love, I reckon. WISELY. There are other perplexities befides thofe of love, Sir. : But no matter for my concerns $ I don't defire to be either pitied or envied. CARELESS. Now I like to provoke the envy of mankind : 'And here is that [Shewing the letter] will make my acquaintance look on me with a jealous ]pye. BLUNT. Po ! prythee, put up. CARELESS. Nay, I can truft my friend Wifely; he is an honeft fellow, and minds nobody's bufmefs but his own ; he (hall know it before he goes to town. [Reads.'} " Hortenlia's compliments to Mr. Carelefs " WISELY. Hor-tenfia to him ! {XJife.] Well, Sir, BLUNT. Carelefs, how can you ? CARELESS. Pfha ! he is going to town , heMl not obftruft me. and adjuft- ing his arms'] (he died in Wiltlhire. CARELESS. At your own houfe, I fuppofe. SIR B U T H I S O W N. 33 SIR PHILIP. No ; that houfc was fold long befcre, to the higheft bidder, before a matter in Chancery, to pay ibme of my wife's gaming debts. You know me is addicted to play. ^Turning out his foes.] It is the word pafTion in the world. WISELY. You had a beautiful feat there. SIR PHILIP. Pleafantly fituated, Sir. You were near the afiembly at Salifbury, the aflembly at Win- chefter, and the aflembly at Southampton. CARELESS. Ha! ha! that was convenient ; ha! Wifely. WISELY. Ay, very convenient. SIR PHILIP. Yes ; and the eflate was much improv'd of late : For my friend George Martin, of South- ampton, who is a very facetious companion, and tells an admirable ftory, has built a fee of rooms, in the fweeteft fituation imaginable. CARELESS. They have a fine country about there, have not they ? SIR PHILIP. I have feen them dance thirty couple. CARELESS. Ha 1 ha ! and did not it grieve you to leave fo fweet a place ? SIR PHILIP. No, Sir-, nothing grieves me ; I dance away !t>y cares : I have no head for thought and trou- F Me, a NO ONE'S ENEMY ble, and calculation and accounts. I make my career as brilliant as pofiible -, and whenever any thing begins in the leaft to chagrin me, I then go to an afiembly, and facrifice to the graces. CARELESS. Well, I challenge the world for fuch another philofopher. SIR PHILIP. I call my felt" a peripatetic philofopher. J go about for the ferenity of my mind. 1 had a letter yefterday from my attorney to n:eet him on Monday next, at the Mitre tavern in Fleet- ftreet, in order to fign deeds of leafe and releafe for a fmall edate in Berkshire, a little out at el- bows ; but I have appointed him to meet me ac the Long Room at Hampitead. CARELESS. Why there ? that's an odd place. SIR PHILIP. The beft in the world ; becaufe, when the bu- finefs is fi'nifhed, I can then go and give right hand and left at the afiembly. WISE L Y. But I am forry your eftates are dancing away in this manner. It will be a little hard upon your children. And then there's your daugh- ter ; fhe's a very fine girl. SIR PHILIP. She lives wkh her aunt Scatterbrain. W I S E L Y. Where is your eldeft fon ? SIR BUT H I S O W N. 35 SIR PHILIP. Reduc'd upon half-pay. WISELY, And your fecond fon ? SIR PHILIP. Gone a clerk to the Eaft Indies. WISELY. And my little favourite, your third boy ? SIR PHILIP. At fchool at Stcckbridge. He'll be a fcho- lar. CARELESS. Vive la dance ! Sir Philip. SIR PHILIP. Ay, Sir, Vive la dance. Well, you'll be at the ball to-night. Wifely, I am forry we are to lofe you, [Moves in a minuet ft ep to Carelefs.] Carelefs, you won't fail. Nuncpede libero pul- fandatellus, La loll loll. [Exit in a minuet Jtep. CARELESS and WISE L Y. Ha! ha! ha! CARELESS. Was ever fo ridiculous a fellow ? No care, no management, no attention. I wifh he had a lit- tle of my prudence to mind the main chance ; hey, Wifely ! WISELY. - Your prudence would be of fingular ufc to him indeed. CARELESS. My dear friend, adieu ! not a word of, Hor- tenfia j nor of my lady Figurein, F 2 W I S E,L Y. S<5 NO ONE's ENEMY WISELY, Oh, my dear Carelefs CARELESS. I'll let you know by a line how I fucceed with' them both. Adieu ! Now for the fchemes on which we're both in- tent : I for the widow's charms. [Exit, WISELY. I to prevent. [Exit, END of the FIRST ACT. AC T B U T H I S O W N. 37 ACT II, JEnter WISELY and BRAZEN. WISELY. NO, Brazen, I fhan't leave Windfor to? day. BRAZEN. No, your honour ! WISELY. No ; I have bufmefs upon my hands of the higheft importance. Look ye, Brazen, 1 have ever found you trufty and honeft. k R A Z E k. Why truly, without vanity, I may fay, you have no reafon to complain. WISELY. No fpeeches, Brazen. - 1 will now repofe a confidence in you. - 1 have found out my ri- val. BRAZEN. So much the better, Sir : - 1 love an active campaign ; order me upon any attempt ; I am ready to annoy the enemy. -Who is he ? WISELY. Carelefs. BRA- 3 8 NO ONE's ENEMY B R A Z E N. What, the gentleman I heard you fpeak of fo often ? WISELY. The fame. BRAZEN. Joy, Sir, joy- I give you joy vi&ory is ours. WISELY. Why, yes, I think. I am a bad general, and you a bad officer, if we don't defeat him. BRAZEN. I faw him as he walk'd down ftreet yefterday Evening. Comely, well-proportion'd, and hand' fome, I think. WISELY. Slave! villain! [Collars him.] BRAZEN. For heaven's fake, don't ftrangle me ! WISELY. Puppy ! rafcal ! jie hand Tome ! B- R A Z E N. That is, Sir if you will but prefs more ten- derly on my windpipe that is to fay, Sir not quite fo hard tht: gentleman feems. at a dif- tance a little too tight (till, Sir but when you come nearer a little loofer that will do enough of all confcience when you are near him, Sir, he looks quite another thing, and very unpromifmg. WISELY. What am I doing ? the rage of jealoufy [lets him go.] 2 BRA- B U T H I S O W N. 39 BRAZEN. Dear heart, he'll be nothing in our hands. WISELY. How could fhe prefer that vain, imprudent Have you no plan, rafcal, to counterplot this happy rival ? BRAZEN. Only reflect upon what you expect of me : To (top the courfe of a river, or a bird in the air, or a lawyer at Weftminfter, or thunder and lightning, or a poet repeating his own verfes, or a critic abufing them, or in fhort, Sir, any of thefe things is eafierthan to filence a coxcomb of wit. and parts. WISELY. Of wit and parts, firrah ! BRAZEN. Of no parts a coxcomb of no parts. WISELY. Leave prating, and propofe fomething di- rectly. BRAZEN. With fubmiffion, I am but a poor ingenious good clever kind of fellow, who pretend to little more than a tolerable fhare of mother-ienfc, to obey the happier talents of my mailer. W I S E L Y. Oh, Hortenfia ! to give him this tender to- ken your own picture in a fnuff-box here. And then to fend me this cruel letter of difmif- fion ! [Reads.] " To encourage your addreffrs " any longer would be the fign of a vain and il ungenerous way of thinking." Diffraction ! 40 NO ONE J s ENEMY [Reads.] " Never can be yours. Hortenfia." What can be done ? There's one bold flroke left : Brazen, I muft depend upon your execution of a bright project, conceiv'd this inftant, BRAZEN, I wait but your commands, Sir. WISELY. I know you faithful and dextrous. You have not been long enough at Windfor to be known by any body. Hey ! is not that Hor- tenfia yonder, walking this way, arm in arm with Lucinda ? I'll found a retreat, like a prudent general, and fend you to fkirmifh with the enemy, Brazen. This way fol- low me. BRAZEN. And I'll bring on a general action, I warrant me. {Exeunt. Enter LUCINDA and HORTENSIA. LUCINDA. My dear Hortenfia, that is carrying it too far you grow captious there is no harm in a lit- tle raillery, lure. HORTENSIA. But won't you allow me to be deeper in my own fecrets than any body elle ? LUCINDA. No, by no means ; we are all very ingenious in deceiving ourfelves : Ourpafiions wear fo ma- fly cunning difguifes, we hardly know them. Spleen mail pafs for wit, avarice for ceconomy ; and BUT HIS OWN. 41 and the love of a mm mall ofrrn be thought a mere female vanity, in hearing the praifes of a lhape or a feature. H O R T E N S I A. So that if 1 fuffer a civil thing from a pretty, fellow, the pleafure I find fro;n the compli- ment makes a quick tranfition to a liking of the man. L U C I N D A. Inftantly, and almoft imperceptibly to onr- felves. And when we think we are putting him off, with our arts of cold delay, it is at the bor- tom but mere coquetry, to draw him on the more. Like playing wich edge tools, till we CUE ourfeives. H O R T E N S I A. Still I am not wounded. L U C I N D A. I'll lay you a pot of coffee you are married be* fore me. HORTENSIA. You'll lofe. -There is nothing in my conduft that can L U C I N D A. I beg your pardon :-" There is in you fe- rious people a fedare love of pleafure that we giddy creatures never come up to. We receive (light impreffions, and flight imprefiions chatter away, and evaporate in the whirl of our fancy. Now you demure ones dwell upon what gains acceis to your hearts , and then your thoughts are like what they tell me of white powder : They make no noiie, buc are full of mif- chief. G H O R-; 42 NO O'NE's ENEMY HORTENSIA. This is very ftrange, But let me affure yor* I have not forgot my poor deceas'd huf- band. L U C I N D A. Ay ; but that tender melancholy will To dif- pofc your mind to receive the kindred patfion of love, that I mould not wonder if in {horr, grief is very amorous, my dear. HORTENSIA. Mighty fine ! But the man who makes me facrifice my liberty muft have an extraordinary merit. L U-C I N D A. There again now ! Another of the maf- querade habits our paffions wear : When you are in love with a man's perfon, you fancy it is a refin'd efteem for his merit. Oh, Horten- fia ! under that iilufion the heart of a woman will ioften and melt prodigioufly. Do you think it poffible to have a lafting efteem for a man, merely on the fcore of his merit ? HORTENSIA. Surely ; is not it natural to love virtue ? L U C I N D A. Why, to fpeak a plain truth, which I wouH not have a man hear from me for the world, whims, paffions. and defires, are the ground- works of our minds ; and virtue, I am afraid, is but in laid. HORTENSIA. O fy, Lucinda ! L U C I N D A. O fy, hypocrite ! I -I O R- B U T H I S O W N. 43 H O R T E N S I A. Pray now let me afk you, have you no efleem for Mr. Carelefs ? L U C I N D A. A propos ! I forgot to tell you well, I adore my eafe on this occafion ! Sure every thing is at an end between me and that gentle- man. HORTENSIA. You amaze me ! Was not the wedding-day fix'd ? L U C I N D A. Yes , I was under fentence of matrimony : but he has fent me a reprieve. HORTENSIA. Can it be poflible ? I, U C I N D A. He is going to be married to another. HORTENSIA. You aftonifh me ! She does not fufpeft me. [Afide.\ Going to be married to ano- ther ! No woman of delicacy would hearken to him, confidering how far matters have been car- ried with you. L U C I N D A. "Why, if there is any lady really fmitten, the difpute between her love and her delicacy will not laft long. Delicacy may talk of nice points of honour ; but that will only reach the hea*d : While every fyllable from that little urchin Love will make its way directly to the heart ; and whik Delicacy is reading leclures, Love wi!} perfuade, and fo the bufmefs is over. G 2 But 44 NO* ONE's ENEMY But pray, my dear, had not you heard this be- fore ? H O R T E N S I A. I, my dear ? I hope h- has not divulg'd any thing. [/ljide.\ How can you afk fuch a queftion ? 1 am not in a courfe of town- talk. L U C I N D A. Y7hy, I don't kno\v one is always faying one filly thing or another. Let's change the fubjcct ; the man is not worth a moments thought: h : s indifcretion is the fmaileft of his faults. My reft fhan'c fuffcr a fingle wink for him. H O R T E N S I A. That's right, Lucinda ; give me your hand, and take my advice : If the falle man defcrts you, mew yourf* If a girl of fpirit on the occa- fion. The * retch is not worth a fingle fmile from any of our lex ; an idle, vain boafter ! to truft him is taking up water with a fieve. So retolve at once to look down with fcorn botji on him, and the vain beauty that prides her- felf in the conqueft : Wifh her joy of her bargain, my dear, and think no more about him. Enter B R A Z E N r in a livery.. BRAZEN. Madam Hortenfia, my matter prefents his compliments HORTENSIA. Carelefs's livery ! [d/ide,] Who is your inafter ? 3 R A- BUT HIS OWN. 45 BRAZEN, Mr. Carelefs. L U C I N D A. Mr. Cartbfs ! BRAZEN. My matter fends you word, Ma'am, that he has changed his mind. Upon confulting his heart, he finds his inclinations fix'd elfewhere upon madam Lucinda, this lady here. 1 en- deavoured, Ma'am, to ibften his hard heart : " Won't you confider, Sir, that Hortenfia " " Hold. your tongue, you rafcal do as I bid *' you ," and fo off he brufhed, to the tune of an pld fong, [Jings] " One kiis of a maid's worth " two of a widow." L U C I N D A. Ho ! ho ! ho ! This is worth all the difco- veriesof all the philolbphers fora thoufand years. This is the mofl whimfical accident. Ha! ha! H O R T E N S I A. Fool that I was ! \_Afide ?\ Who bribed you, Sir, to be guilty of this rudenefs ? Lucinda, I allure you LUCINDA. My dear Hortenfia Ho ! ho ! ho ! H O.R T E N S I A. Nay, if you won't give me leave to fpeak Begone! fellow, this moment ! I know nothing of your mailer. L U- 4 (5 NO O N E 's ENEMY L U C.I N D A. Well, I forgive him all : this is a mod charm- ing bufmefs. And fo, Hortenfia, you are the happy lady HORTENSIA. I affure you, Ma'am Go about your bufi- nei r s, Sir. BRAZEN. Tis very well ; but before I go, permit me to return this (huff-bo*, with your picture ID it. L U C I N D A. So, fo, fo ! prefents have pafifed too, BRAZEN. " Here, carry her back her fnuff-box," fays he, ct and as I have damag'd it a little, if me will " get it mended, I'll pay for it." L U C I N D A. Ho! ho! ho ! -I mall die, I (hall die. HORTENSIA. Vexation ! this abfurd man I BRAZEN. Any commands for my matter, madam ? HORTENSIA. Let me hear no more of your infolence, Sir. BRAZE N. What mall I fay to poor Mr. Carelefs ? no parting pang ? no kind adieu ? HORTENSIA. Tell him he's a villain ! a perfidious wretch I a monfter of ingratitude ! 3 BRA- BUT HIS OWN, 47 BRAZEN. Ay, I know him well : he's all that, and worfe. - Well done, Brazen ! this will do rarely. [Exit. L U C I N D A. My dear Madam, you'll excufe me \ - but if my life depended upon it, I can't help laugh- ing. HORTENSIA. You need not triumph on the occafion : You are welcome to the gentleman. L U C I N D A. No doubt. The man that infinuates himfelf into your good graces muft have an extraordinary merit. HORTENSIA. Mighty well ! -If you muft run on - L U C I N D A. Befides, you have not as yet forgot your poo? deceas'd husband. HORTENSIA. This raillery is unfeafonable, madam. L U C I N D A. Well now, do you know, that I was weak enough to fuppofe, that no woman of delicacy, [ftifles a laugh] confidering how far things had been carried with me - -[laughs out]. HORTENSIA. Oh, fhame I fhame ! All my ill ftars com- bin'd - U- 48 NO O N E 's ENEMY L U C I N D A. Come, come, give me your hand, Hortenfia* if the falfe man deferts you, fhew yourfelf a wo- man of fpirit on the occafion, H O R T E N S I A. Oh, infuppprtable ! [breaks awey.] L U C I N D A. [Following her.] To truft him is taking up. wa- ter with a fieve ; and fo look down with icorn on him, and the vain beauty Ho ! ho ! [laughs heartily.'] H O R T E N S I -A. I fhaVt flay to be infulted. [Exit, L U C I N D A. And has your yEneas left you r [looking after her] poor difconfolate Dido ! ^Oh ! I mail ex- pire with laughing. Well, I feel my heart much lighter. Certainly revenge is the ruling pafiion of the female breaft -, it is the fecond paflion at lead. But ftay, flay, Hay what's to be done ? Shall I, to complete my triumph, marry Carelefs ? -Why, Revenge fays fo but Love (lily whifpers, have not you a fccret ten- dre for Mr. Bellfield ? I don't know what to fay to that let' me examine myfelf en that had: How fay you, my heart ? [laying her hand en her bofcm] you fhall true anfwer make to all fuch queftions as fhall be afked you : The traitor owns its various flutterings. Eyes, bow fay you, do you know Mr. Belifieid ?- We have ieen the gentleman. But is that all ? remem- ber you're upon oath : Have not you indulg'd in many a ftolen glance ? Soft feducers, they own it all. Lips, what do you know of this matter ? BUT HIS OWN. 49 matter ? Why, the gentleman has rudely forc'd a kifs. Rudely ! come, don't equivo- cate : Did not you think it civilly done ? And when you uttered words of reproach, were yp not pleafed with the touch of his ? Guilty. They plead guilty. What fay my hands ? When he has drawn a glove on you, [looking at one band] or gently chfped you [looking at the other'} to lead me to my chair Ah ! thofe tremblings were the anxieties of love. Eacs, Oh ! they were pleas'd with the accents of his flattery. 1 muft call no more witnefTes, for fear every circumftance fhouH plead againft me. But what refolution muft I come to? Hortenfia will be fo piqu'd fh'iuld I marry Care- lefs and fo will Carelcfs Ibould I marry Bell- field One match has been talk'd of fo has t'other 1 have coquetted on this fide fo I have on that. I'm in a fine condition : Re- venge and Love have got poor weak woman's will between them, and they beat it about like a fhuttlecock to and fro backwards and for- wards tick-tack, tick-tack and on which fide it will fall, Fate only knows. Enter B L L F I E L D. B E L L F I E L D. , My dear Lucinda L U C I N D A. Pfha ! why did not he flay till the game was out ? I don't know what co fay to the wretch, Well, have you buried him ? BELLFIELD I Am glad to fee you in a bantering H 5 o N O O N E's E N E M Y L U C I N D A. Why, is not he dead ? O fy ! to let * man breathe a moment under my difplea- fure! BELLFIELD. Madam, before this day clofes L U C I N D A. But I havs chang'd my mind I give him Ijis wretched life ; let him drag a miferable being in torment. BELLFIELD. And muft I too wear out a life in torment ? Come, come, pronounce one favourable word. L U C I N D A. Why, you unlucky thing, what brought you fo unieafonably ?r You broke off a violent de- bate about yourfelf. BELLFIELD, About me ? L U C I N D A. Yes -, my head and my heart were at open, war about you. But you would not (lay to let them fight it out. Well, I'll retire to folitude, and let them go to cuffs again ; and fo now you'll give yourfelf up to melancholy and pee- vifcnels. And my character, I dare fay, will be cruelly torn to pieces. BELLFIELD. Madam, your character - LU- B U T H I S O W N. 5 t L U C I N D A. Is a ftrange one. I know that's what you'll fay Or, perhaps, a few fcraps and ends of verfe : " Moll women have no characler at all." BELLFIELD. Po ! po ! can't you reftrain one moment ? L U C I N D A. " Matter too foft a lading mark to bear, '* BELLFIELD. 'Sdeath ! this is all L C I N D A. " And befl diftinguifli'd by black, brown, and fair." BELLFIELD. Nay, prithee, how can you rack me thus ? This is all wildntfs, ail extravagance of fpi- r;t. * L U C I N D A. Well ! well ! rny fpirits, as the heyday of youth wears away, will be duely reftrain'd, as flowers contract themfelves at the ietting- fun. BELLFIELD. If you go on thus, your follies will encreafe with your years, and (hew more ttrikingly as your beauty declines, as lhadows lengthen with the fetting-fun. Ha L U- 5-2 NO ONE 5 s ENEMY L U C I N D A. Satyrical Bellfield ! But you mould not have laid chat to my face : -You might have ftaid till my back was turn'd, to fpare my blufhes. Well, I am gone. Think fa- vourably of me. Ha ! ha ! Poor Bellfield ! [Exit. BELLFIELD. Think favourably ! I (hall think no more of you. You may as well fix quickfilver as a woman's mind. It takes a thoufand (hapes to elude you. ; Carelefs has fix'd her though: Challnge him, and perhaps the thing does not admit a moment's delay. [Exit. Re-enter L U C I N D A. L U C I N D A. This is charming ! Carelefs comes this way, as I could v/im : His behaviour will de- cide my doubts. Flow ftiall I aft? Oh! a girl of fpirit need never think how to manage a man. Enter CARELESS. CARELESS. Lucinda, without her train of beaus flutter- ing about her! How has this happened, pray ? L U C I N D A. Why, you frighten them all away from me j and you know, though fruic be ever fo fine, 7 BUT HIS OWN; 53 fine, if a fcare-crow is near, the birds won't nib- ble. CARELESS. Well, thou art the verieft coquette that ever ftudied the exercife of the fan. L U C I N D A. Scandalous wretch ! CARELESS. A lover with you has as bad a time as a poor animal in a philosopher's air-pump : When your falfe refinements are tco thin for him to fubfift upon, they are render'd fomewhat more fubftantial by letting in a little air of common- fenfe, that you may have the pleafure of rarify- ing all away ayiin \ and fo leave a poor deluded fellow panting for his exiftence. L U C I N D A. Why, I like to try experiments upon 'em. But, Mr. Carelefs, you tried the mod admira- ble experiment to-day that ever yet was thought of. Ha ! ha ! I muil laugh with you, tho* you don't deferve it. Never was any thing fo charming. C A R.E LESS. Another of your wild flights now why, you mount like a pheafant whur ! L U C I N D A. And do you vainly hope to bring me down ? CARELESS. The gun of wit may reach you. Take care. 54 NO ONE'S ENEMY L U C I N D A. But the laws of Parnafius for the preferva- tion of the game don't allow fuch as you to fhoot flying. But I muft tell you how it was Ho ! ho ! 1 enjoy 'd her diftrefs beyond meafure. CARELESS. I am perfe&ly in a wood here. L U C I N D A. Your fervant play'd his part admirably, and Hie fo bit her lips with vexation. CARELESS. What the deuce has Ihe taken into her head ? L U C I N D A. " Tell him he's a villain ! " fays flic, " a perfidious wretch ! a monfter of ingrati- tude!" CARELESS. Unriddle, pray ; what is all this ? L U C I N D A. Why, don't you know ? CARELESS. Not I, truly. L U C I N D A. Oh ! you have chang'd your mind perhaps ! Or, have you feen her fince, and made it up ? CARE- BUT HIS OWN. 55 CARELESS. May I never have the fan of an incens'd beauty raifed to my throat, if I underftand one word of the matter. L U C I N D A. Oh, very well, Sir. 1 could almoft have found in my heart to fmtie upon you : But, go on ; ditTemble, do : Mr. Bellfield may fare the better for your behaviour, I promife you. CARELESS. Oh, Ma'am, as to that Ha ! ha ! L U C I N D A. Pretend to laugh too! But no woman will fpeak to you at the rate you go on. CARELESS. Ha! ha! You are very diverting ! I could tell you, perhaps, of a much-envied lady, who ha ! ha ! who fees me in a favoura- ble light. L U C I N D A. Impofiible ! You will be defpis'd, re- jected. CARELESS. [Laughing conceitedly.'] Well, well, I'll tell you who the lady is, and then you (hall judge whe- jher I Enter 5 6 NO ONE's ENEMY Enter Sir PHILIP, HORTENSIA, and BLUNT. SIR PHILIP. [Still in a minuet Jiep.~\ Careiefs, well met again. Luanda, my fair partner, my lovely litde Hercules in a country -dance ! L U C I N D A. Always in fpirits, Sir Philip. Now let us fee how my gentleman and the widow will be- have. \Ajide. .] HO R T t N S I A. He has been flirting with that coquette, I fee. [Jfidc.] CARELESS. I muft not pretend to know Hortenfia. She's upon the difcreet plan, I fee. [A/ide.] L U C I N D A. They don't take notice of one another : But rU'embarrafs them both. [Afids.~\- Oh ! Mr. Blunt, I am fo lucky that you and this com- pany came to my relief- -Your friend Carelefs has ib pefter'd me with his fulfome flattery, arjd his tender pain, and his pleafing ariguim, and all the nonfenfe of love CARELESS. I, Ma'am ! The converfation feem'd to have taken a very different turn. L U C I N D A. Oh, you hideous man ! do you deny it ? : Hortenfia, fuch a fcene you never faw. H O R- B U T H 1 S O W N. 7 HORTENSIA. I dare fay, Ma'am, [forcing a laugh] it was at once both very acceptable, and very ridicu- lous. L U C I N D A. The wretch was down on his knees to me, heart-broken, fighing, trembling, tears in hrs eyes, venting a thoufand proteftations that he loved me, and only me. C A R E L E S S. Nay, now, Lucinda, you wrong me. L U C I N D A. Wrong you ! why are you amam'd of your paffion for a fine woman ? SIR PHILIP. Refufe to be his partner a: Sunning- hill next Monday-night for that. L U C I N D A. So I will, Sir Philip you and I will dance. He actually vow'd, Hortenfia, that there is a certain lady who pines and languishes for him : But, " Death's life with me, without me death to live." HORTENSIA. Falfe, perfidious man ! [Afide.] CARELESS. Nay, now, this is carrying the jeft too far, J L Uc 5 S NO O N E 's ENEMY L U C I N D A. Then I refign you 1 here give you up to any lady that pleales. What lay you, Ma# dam ? H O R T E N S I A. You are much worthier of the gentleman, and fo pray keep him. CARELESS. Difcreetly anfwered. She won'; give the lead hint. [Afide to Blunt.] SIR PHILIP. For that matter, I think ye both, Ladies, hi-ghly worthy of my friend Carelds : For you are two as good romps in a country-dance as I ever defire to caft olf and figure in wiih. 1 think one of you mould taks the gentleman cue. L U C 1 N D A. For my part, I'm engag'd. Shall I make in- tereft for you, Ma'am ? HORTENSIA. The character the gentleman bears, arid the light you have made him appear in, are lufficienn! to warn a woman of prudence againil fo danger- ous a rifk. CARELESS, , Blefiings on her difcretion and good-fenfe for abufing me fo. ' [AJide.~\ Blunt, you fee fhe won't give the fmallefl iufpicion of what's de- pending. I'll throw my mite into the fcale, to convince her of my prudence. Si a B U T H I S O W N. 59 .SIR PHILIP. Come, come, Carelefs, be brifk ; fome- tning in your own defence ; don't be out of time. CARELESS. I muft do the lady the jultice to fey, that I have not the happinefs or merit of deferving a place in her good graces. H O R T E N S I A. You own it, falfe man, do you? [djide~\ L U C I N D A. And are you infcnfible to the lady's fupe- rior beauty, and that diftinguifh'd prudence with which ihe moves fo orderly in every Inhere of life? CARELESS. Prudence! Why, faith, prudence may be a very ufeful qualification in trade, and may an- fwer the purpofes of a mercer upon Ludgate- hill, or a monty-fcrivener in the city. But I viilil may die if 1 h^ve not always thought pru- dence the moft frigid virtue a peribn pf falhioji can be poffefled of. H O R T E N S I A. I dare fay you think fo. [dfide.'] L U C I N D A. Ho'- ho! CARELESS. I do it well, don't I, Blunt ? \ 2 SIR 60 NO ONE's ENEMY SIR PHILIP. It is ill life as in dancing : - Every thing Should be done with brifknefs and activity of fpi- ric. CARELESS. [To Blunt.] That little fatire upon pru- dence will Ihew how much I have my- felf. BLUNT. Weak, inconfiderate fool! [dfide.] SIR PHILIP. Carelefs is right, [tinks and rifes.'] I fhould be forry to have it faid that prudence is my mod mining quality. - But, I don't know how it is we don'c make a good fett here it looks as if ws had fome of the little fraca's of love amongit us, L U C I N D A. I am not in love with any of the company, I promife you. H O R T E N S I A. And if I am, may I be married to the wretch for my punimmenr. CARELESS. A fly inuendo, Blunt. - And as to me, if I felt a fingle iymptom of love, ib far from con- cealing it, I did not care if it was the whole talk of every party at cards and fcandal through- out the city of London, and liberty of" Wtit- H C R- B U T H I S O W K. w 6 1 H O R T E N S I A. That I do verily believe. \Jfide. ] CARELESS. You fee, Blunt, I have no management. - Ila! ha! H O R T E N S I A. Laughed at too ! 1 have not patience. Come, Lucinda, it draws near dinner- time. L U C I N D A. Why, yes, I think we had as good adjourn. We'll leave you to divulge all the fecrets you know, Mr. Carelefs. Ha ! ha ! SIR PHILIP. Are you going, Ladies ? 1 muft be your knight-errant : Favour me with your hand. Carelefs Blunt you'll be at the mafic in good time. 1 attend you, Ma'am. [.y// with Hortenfia and Luanda. BLUNT. Bravo ! Carelefs ; you'll undo yourfeif : You have abus'd the ladj's diftinguifhing perfection to her face. CARELESS. To deceive the company a ftroke of judg- ment and difcretion. B L U N T. But (he feem'd to fpeak with acrimony. C A R E- (52 N O O N E *s ENEMY CARELESS. Oh ! I ador'd her for that. She's a charm- ing woman , and a word of abufe out of her mouth is worth all the praifes of the reft of her fex. Ha! ha! It was the luckieil inter- view ! and gave me the fined opportunity of Ihining ! Ha! ha! She carried it off finely too. When women praife, their pafilons gently move $ But if they rail, then with a rage they love. END of the SECOND ACT, BUT HIS OWN. ACT III. Enter BELLFIELD and WISELY. B E L L F I E L D. IN EVE R fa\v your fpirits fo deprefs'd be- fore, Wifely. Sure fomeching extraordi- nary has happen'd. WISELY. No, nothing a tranfient gloom ; that's all. BELLFIELD. Never let any thing affect your fpirits, man." A crofs accident is never converted into an ad- vantage by being peevifli : Juft the reverie ; by fuffering inwardly, every little trifle acquires the force or a real misfortune. My dear Wifely, do as I do , laugh to (corn all the little perverle cir- cumftances of life. WISELY. They fall as lightly on me as on any body, I believe. BELLFIELD. I can perceive you hurt even now :There's fomething working in your mind. WISELY. You are quite miftaken, Bellfield, BELL* 04 NO O N E 's ENEMY B E L L F I E L D. * What if a miftrefs frown can't you fmile for all that ? WISELY. I have no miftrefs, Sir. BELLFIELD. Nay, I can't fay how that is. -But it diverts me of all things to fee a man, becaufe an unto- ward beauty is infenfible of his merit, become infenfibk of it himfelf, and fit in company wrapped in a cloud of vapours, when he ought to make the caprices of the fix fport for himielf and every body elfe too. WISELY. Very true -, and mould Lucinda's love, or her underftanding, have a relapfc, I dare fay BELLFIELD. I mould net like to lofe her j but I could laugh at the lofs. W I S E L Y. Then it won't grieve you to hear, that Care- lefs and fne are well together again. BELLFIELD. Oh, no fuch thing you are mis-informed. He has revolted from Lucinda j and the widow is " the Cynthia of this hour" with him. W I S E L Y. \Vhat intelligence you lovers have ! Every thing is finally concluded between him and Lu- cinda. Ha ! ha ! He's a weak, abfurd fellow. But I beg yout pardon it docs not feem to divert you, 6 BELL- BUT HIS OWN. 65 . , BELLFIELD. [Forcing a laugh.'] It (han't difconcert me, you may allure yaurfelf. : She's as changeable as the wind, and he's a weathercock. Ha ! ha ! 1 don't mind it, Ha I* ha ! -This very morning flie was enrag'd, and wanted me to cut his throat. WISELY. And this very evening fhe'd wifh you hanged if you had. Ha! ha! They have both very ftrange humours, faith. |B E L L F I E L D. And you have an odd kind of fignificant dry laugh with you. You feem to enjoy' my misfor- tune. WISELY Misfortune ! I thought you BELLFIELD. Pma ! no, not misfortune but my difap- pointment not difappoimment neither, for thefe things are to be expelled from the levity of her mind. -A fantaftical, deceitful ha! ha! And fo Carelefs is to be married to her You fee -you fee, Wifely, that I don't feel [laughing peevijhly .~] Your fcrvant, Sir I am. your humble fervant. [Exit. WISELY. Poor Bellfield ! my joy overflow'd, and I could not help telling him -ha! ha! and yet he pretends not to feel it.- [..;/. K SCENE 66 NO ONE's ENEMY SCENE Carelefs'j Lodgings. Enter CARELESS and BLUNT. CARELESS. My dear Blunt, you fee my affairs are in a fine train: You will now at leaft grant, that prudence is an effential part of my charac- ter. BLUNT. Your ftate of probation has been rather fhort. CARELESS. Po 1 po 1 My dear Blunt, you are a fel low of fuch a fufpicious temper, that you'd believe the plague on board a fhip, after me had perform'd quarantine. But the mod precife caution has guided my actions for fome time paft. Hey ! what have we here ? let- ters ! And that ftupid tot of a fervant not to know any thing of the matter. [Opens a letter.'] No indifcretion of mine, I promifeyou, Blunt, will ever give you uneafmefs again. BLUNT. "Well, 1 wiih it ir>ay be fo. CARELESS. You'll find it fo. [Reading.} How ! 'Sdeath ! what does this mean? Upon my foul now, there's no fuch thing as living at this rate. BLUNT. What's the matter ? 3 Q A R Ev B LJ T H I S O W N. 6 7 CARELESS. [Reads cut.'] " I hold you accountable to " me for the injuries you have done my filler. " A treaty of marriage with Sir Hajry Strick- " land is broke off on account of your fcandal- " ous givings out. When (hall you be at Lon- M don ? If not within this day or two, expect to " fee me at Windfor. " Yours, " Richard Hotfpur." BLUNT. There again now ! the old way. CARELESS. How the devil could this happen ? There is not fo low a thing on earth as repeating private converfation. BLUNT. And can't you be upon your guard in private converfation ? CARELESS. The mod diftant hint in the world efcap'd from me at the Thatch'd-houfe one day at din^- ner. Tho' his fitter had granted me the laft favour, yet I did not BLUNT. And you muft blab now ! C A R E L-E S S. Po ! with you I don't mind. BLUNT. Nor with any man. 'Tis an inveterate habit, find you can'c conquer it. K 2 CARE- 63 NO ONE's ENEMY CARELESS. 'Sdeath! nothing but plague and torment! [Opening another letter.] What's this ? " Sir, " I did not imagine a bafe vain-glory could " have betray'd you into an action fo ungene- " rou.s and mean.- My hufband has heard all *' the circumftances, and he threatens an imme- " diate divorce. 1 am miferable, and you are " the blackeft villain upon earth. " Eloifa." That's the feign'd name under which fhe cor- refponded with me. But it will be impoffiblc for Mr. Kitely to prove BLUNT. Kitely ! that fecret's out too. CARELESS. . 'Sdeath! you catch a man fo I did not mean to tell it. BLUNT. I . wifh he may recover damages againft you. CARELESS. There is no trufting any body, I fee plainly. -I only hinted the affair to a friend, who ad- mir'd Mrs. Kitely, to let him fee that me was comeatable and now this is the return I meet . 'Tis very vexatious ! Enter B tJ T H I S O W N. 6 9 Enter BELLFIELD. Bellfield, I am glad to fee you. B E L L F I F L D. Mr. Carelefs, bufmefs of a particular nature occafions this vifit. Will you indulge us a mo- ment, Blunt ? B L U N T. By all means. More misfortunes, I fup- pole. [Exit. CARELESS. Well, Bellfield. BELLFIELD. You will be fo good as to name your time and place, and chufe your weapon, Sir. CARELESS. Explain the caufe. BELLFIELD. The caufe of injur'd innocence, injur'd truth, and violated hdnour. CARELESS. Still Pm in the dark, Sir. BELLFIELD. Lucinda ! Does light break in upon you now ? You have treated her, Mr. Carelefs, unworthily, bafely, fcandaloufly. CARELESS. And are you become her champion ? BELLFIELD. I am and I have the applaufe of my own Jieart for it. Every honeft man is interested in the 70 NO ONE's feNEMY the refutation of calumny, when a tear falls from the foft eye of injur'd beauty. CARELESS. Mr. Bellfield, any reparation, in my power, I am willing to make the lady or, if that won't do, Sir, I muft give you the meeting : but, I can't marry Lucinda. BELLFIELD. Mr. Carelefs, flie is worthy of you can^t marry her ! why not, Sir ? explain. CARELESS. Would you fain compel me into a mar- riage ? BELLFIELD. Compel you ! 'Sdeath ! what am J at? No i but - CARELESS. It is impolTible, Sir. I am engag'd to Hor- tenfia. BELLFIELD, To Hortenfia ! Pofitively ? CARELESS. Mod pofitively. BELLFIELD. And you think no more of Lucinda ? CARELESS. I muft forget her entirely. BELLFIELD. H a \ h a j Thou'rt an honeft fellow, Care- j e f s< Give us your hand. I challenge you! _, For what ? You have done Lucinda no -^and fo Til go and tell her. My dear Care* BUT HIS OWN. 71 Carekfs, fare you. well. -I wim you all hap- pinefs with Hortenfia. Your fervant your fer- vant. I challenge you ! not for the world. [Exit. Enter B L U' N T. CARELESS. A pretty bufmefs this ! He comes in a ro- mantic humour, huffing like an errant Don Quixote, and then goes away laughing. BLUNT. You were loud enough I heard it all. There will be no end of your fcrapes and diffi- culties. CARELESS. Po ! prithee, man how can you ? To- morrow makes Hortenfia mine : I mall then move in a higher fphere; fet up for men to gaz? with envy at. BLUNT.- You'll never fucceed in any thing. CARELESS. Ha! ha! that gravity is diverting. Why, in the common occurrences of life, I own, I have carried myfelf negligently ; but the bufmefs of my heart is too important : There I have acted with the niceft precifion. BLUNT. Pfha ! while you are guarding yourfelf in one point, you lie expofed in a thoufand others. Your prudence is exactly like the philofopher's cloak : When he drew ic over his head his fee: were uncovered. CARE* 7 2 NO ONE's ENEMY CARELESS. Ha ! ha ! not in my concerns with Horten- fia. Enter BRAZEN, in another livery. CARELESS. Hortenfia's livery ! Ha ! ha ! Now, Blunt, you'll fee : This is a meffage fron* her. BRAZEN. Mr. Carelefs, will your honour permk me juft to whifper one word ? CARELESS. A million. Well, friend ! how ? what ? BRAZEN. Madam Hortenfia gave me in ftricl: charge to deliver this letter into your own hand, Sir. CARELESS. A thoufand thanks. Here here's a reward ; for your diligence [gives money'}. You (hall wait for an anfwer. BRAZEN. I dare not, Sir. Secrecy is the word. I muft be gone* [Exit.* CARELESS. So ; you fee, I am in high favour with her. I can't help laughing at your peeviih furmifes. Ha ! ha ! But here, here, here's a proof of my approaching joys. BLUNT. I am fure I (hall be glad to fee you happy*; CAKE** B U T H I S O W N. 73 CARELESS. I know thou wilt. Ha ! ha ! Now let's fee." [Opens the ktter.~\ Now, now, now. [Reads to bimfelf] How ! what's this ? [Reads.'] tc To u no purpofe -character now vanim'd differ- " ent light be my lad nsver ean be yours.'* [Stands in confuficn.\ BLUNT. Well, Carelefs, a proof of your approaching joys. CARELESS. [Looks earnefiJy at Blunt , then walks away.'] I nc^ ver was io let down in all my days. BLUNT. You feem dejected, Carelefs. CARELESS. Madam Fortune playing fome of her darrm'd crofs pufpofes with me. . BLUNT. "What's the matter, man ? f Carelefs gives him ibe letter, and walks about the rcom.] What can ail this be ? [Reads.]- " Sir, <: To encourage your addrefies, when they et really are to no purpofe, would be the fign of " a vain and ungenerous way of thinking. " There were at firft feme circumftances in your " character and manner, which were not difpleaf- c ' ing ; but thofe appearances are now vaniflh- " ed. I mud therefore in this letter, which will L be ;.t NO ONE's ENEMY " be my laft, wimyou all happinefs j and freely 4t declare, I never can be " Yours, " Hortenfia." Undone, I fee ; quite undone. CARELESS. Yes, undone with a witnefs ! What can the v.oman mean ? If there were any caufe BLUNT. I fear you've given too much. CARELESS. There is no dealing with any of her fex. An artful, falfe, difiembling woman ! Dam- nation ! My dear Blunt, a thought is juft oaie into my head: I'll not torment myfelf ; bent her. Revenge is at hand, and I'll enjoy eets directly. Ha! ha! I have ftill an af- ;er-game to play : I have another firing to my Low Lucinda, my boy ! B- L U N T. You gave her up ten minutes ago; and Bell* T.clii's gone to tell her. CARELESS. 'Sdeath ! that's true. I'll fly to prevent the r/j'fchief. Hal ha ! I'll have my revenge, and jvarry Lucinda directly -, and then you'll fee me :,.n happy man ftill. [Exit. BLUNT. The verieft fdf-tormemor that ever lived ! [Exif. SCENE B U T H I S O W N. 75 SCENE tbs Terms. Enter BELLFIELD and WISELY. BELL FIELD. Yes, Sir, I am in fpirits, and I've reafon. - I am the happieft fellow in nature. WISELY. I am glad to hear it, Bellfield. BELLFIELD. I have had an interview with Carelefs, Who do you think he is to marry? WISELY. Hey ? who ? \umafy. ~\ BELLFIELD. HortenHa. WISELY. The devil he is ! B E L L F I E*L D. Yes; after all. Ha! ha! Don't you think it's excellent news. WISELY. Very extraordinary news, indeed. BELLFIELD. He for ever quits claim to Lucinda. AVt I a lucky fellow ? - Hortenlia has fix'd the affair a i a ft. Ha ! ha ! My dear Wifely, ycu WISELY. You have hit her character, Carelefs. I fhould be forry any friend of mine CARELESS. Ay -, 1 know her thoroughly. 1 fhall mor" tjfy her pride : I'll gall her proud heart : You'll fee me to-morrow married to Lu- cinda. EELLFIELD. How! CARELESS. And the widow will be fo provok'd BELLFIELD. Zoons ! Sir, but let me tell you CARELESS. Ha! ha! You wanted me to make her amends a little while ago : I could not then ; but now I'm at liberty, I fhall certainly do it. BELLFIELD. Sure the widow is a much 'finer woman. CARELESS. Oh! no, no, no \fatigbixg']. WISELY, Not to be compa/d to her, Careleft, Ha I ha! CARELESS. I fhall certainly marry her, Bellfield. BELLFIELD. 1 But, Sir, do you imagine [angrily.'] CARE- >jS NO ONE's ENEMY CARELESS. She's beautiful as an angel : Young, accom- plilh'd, elegant BELLFIELD. Mr. Careleis, what do you mean by this ? CARELESS. Why, won't you let me praife her ? Wifely, he was going to cut my throat a while ago, for abufing her ; and now he wants to murder me forfpeaking in her commendation But make yourfelf eafy, my dear Bcllfield, I (hall marry her. BELLFIELD. Marry her ! Damnation ! [puts bis hand to his fword.] WISELY. [I*terpofing.~\ No violence, Bellfield: Carelefs is very right [holds Bellfield]. She's a fweec girl, Carelefs. CARELESS. Yes i I know fhe is.^Ha ! ha ! WISELY. Marry her by all means. CARELESS. Moft certainly. Ha ! ha ! BELLFIELD. Let go your hold, Mr. Wifely. 1 defire, Sir 'BUT HIS OWN. 79 Enter Sir P H I L I P. SIR PHILIP. Lads, for fhame ! not ready for the ball ! . Hey ! what ! quarrelling ! never quarrel, my dear Bellfield never be out of humour. Paf- fion unhinges the whole frame ; [turning out his tees'] deflroys the grace and gaiety, and CARELESS. My dear knight, you're always in good hu- mour; give us your hand. SIR PHILIP. Always, Sir; always in fpirits. Bellfield, I have made a new country-dance fmce I faw" you. BELLFIELD. With all my heart, Sir. SIR PHILIP. I heard fome. bad news ; and fo I did it to fhake off melancholy. CARELESS. Bad news I What's the matter, Sir Phi- lip ? SIR PHILIP. Poor lady Portfoken ! You know I told you 1 ufed to dance with her. I received a let- ter, mentioning, that after a venifon feaft at her houfe laft week, as (he was amufing herfelf over a quart of fyllabub, me was taken fuddenly ill, and expired [finks andrifes\* I was very much fhocked ; So NO ONE's ENEMY fhocked j fo I compofed a dance to raife my fpirits. BELLFIELD. Hang him, a troublefome fellow, [dfide.'} SIR PHILIP. I am very forry for her, I affure you. Bell- field, it's a charming dance ; all brifknefs and activity. BELLFIELD. [Avoiding him. \ Po ? po ! SIR PHILIP. \~Folhwing him.'} Foot it at top, caft off two couple, foot it at bottom, dance corners BELLFIELD. I mall be glad to fpeak a word with you in private. [ dfide to Carelefs. ] SIR PHILIP. Dance corners, I fay, out at fides, crofs over* turn your partner, right hand and left. CARELESS. Shall us dance it this evening, Sir Philip ? SIR PHILIP. Yes, Sir, this evening. But come, the hour draws nigh. For fhame, lads ! Wifely, Bell- field, ye both live near my houfe ; come, and make f ye ready. BELLFIELD. I can't go directly now. WISELY. B U T H I S O W N. Hi WISELY. You muft j I have bufmefs with you. \AJide to Bellfield.] Lucinda fhall be your own (till. 1 have bufmefs with you too, Sir Philip. Come, Bellfield, I infift upon it. [Forcing him of. SIR PHILIP. Gentlemen, I attend you. Carelefs, foot it at top, cad off two couple. [Dances cut. CARELESS. An ungenerous woman to treat me thus ! I'll mufter up refolution to defpife her, and ne- ver converfe with her again. Enter HORTENSIA, and pajjes by Mm. So, fo, diffembling woman ! [looking after her. ~\ HORTENSIA. Low, vile wretch ! C-A R E L E S S. Pll not expoftulate the matter with her. HORTENSIA. I'll not condefcend to upbraid him. [Goes up to him."] Mr. Carelefs, you're a villain. CARELESS. [Pretends to laugh.] Oh, Ma'am, I am fully acquainted with your fentiments already. HORTENSIA. A cool, deliberate villain ! M CARE- S2 NO ONE's ENEMY CARELESS. Ha! ha! HORTENSIA. Unfeeling in all points of honour as in love. CARELESS. Pleafant, upon my foul! She upbraids me too ! HORTENSIA. That unmanly fneer ! Mr. Carelefs, Mr. Careleis, after every proof of love a weak, in- confiderare woman could give 1 will only now take the liberty to tell you, the bafenefs of your heart will make you the averfion of our fex, and the fcorn of your own. CARELESS. Since I muft fpeak, Heaven is my witnefs, I never fail'd in caution and refpeft for you ; I never abufed the confidence you repofed in me^ nobody breathing ever heard a fy liable of our loves. HORTENSIA. No, Sir ? CARELESS. No-, not a mortal. You made me break off with Lucinda, and now HORTENSIA. Could you favour me with a pinch of fnuff? CARELESS. T have not my box about me. H O R- BUT HIS OWN, 83 H O R T E N S I A. Shall I prefume to offer you a pinch of mine ? CARELESS. She's coming to again, by all that's tender ! Ha ! ha ! I lee how it is [4ftde."\ [Turns to her.'} You are very obliging. How ! HORTENSIA. Do you own your bafenefs now ? CARELESS. How came that in your hands ? HORTENSIA. You could fend it back with an affronting meffage too. CARELESS. I, Ma'am 1 By heaven, nobody ever han- dled it, or knew your picture was there, cxcepq my friend Wifely. HORTENSIA. Who? CARELESS. Wifely. Excepting him, nobody ever , HORTENSIA. Oh, blockhead ! fool ! [Walks about .] You told him then ? CARELESS. Yes, yes I told him I told him all I de- fired him to take it to town, and get it mended 1 let him into the whole fecrec I knew I could truft him. M 2 H O R- 84 NO ONE's ENEMY HORTENSIA. The man on earth you (hould not have truft- ed : He was your rival , and he contriv'd this mifchief. He fent it back to me, as from you, That's the ufe he has made of your confi- dence in him. CARELESS. Oh ! I fee my folly. Damnation !-r-And fo the Itrtier 1 receiv'd HORTENSIA. Sir, I repent ms of that letter. CARELESS. [Locking pleafed.] Do yofo ? HORTENSIA. Moft heartily. CARELESS. Bleffings on you for the word. HORTENSIA. [Angry.] What, you are glad, are you ? CARELESS. To rapture. HORTENSIA. [With afnecr.'] I promife you, you fhall never receive fuch another. CARELESS. Then I return it to you moft joyfujly. HORTENSIA. Very well, Sir ! you return a fond letter thus with fcorn. CAHE- BUT HIS OWN. 85 CARELESS. Fond do you call it ? HORTENSIA. Was it no fondnefs to tell you here [opens the letter.'] Wha.'s this ? oh, I fee through this too! Now blufh for your indifcretion, weak, trifling man ! This very letter I fent Mr. 'Wife- ly, when firft my foolifh heart feduc'd me to lilten to your addreffes. CARELESS. Shame and confufion ! ideot that I was ! HORTENSIA. How paltry do you appear now. CARELESS. I feel it all. -And yet will you fuffer him, W'fety* to fucceed in fo ungenerous a plot ? HORTENSIA. He has acted like a man of fenfe : he has at once (hewn me hb own prudence, and the infir- mity of your frivolous mind. CARELESS. But in all my conduct you fee no marks of guilt, no treachery, no HORTENSIA. Sir, it is to mt the fame thing if an idle im- becility o^ ur.dv'rftandmg afiumes the appear- ance, or a~ts the purpofes, of every vice in its turn. CARELESS. And can you thus, for a fmall failure HOR- 86 NO ONE's ENEMY HORTENSIA. , Small failure do you call ic ? Mr. Wifely has deferv'd me, and I'll bellow myfelf upon him this very day, to {hew the value I have for the rpan who has honour enough to keep a woman's fecrets, and che contempt due to the wretch who, like you, can trifle with a generous heart. [Exit, CARELESS. Hell and the devil ! I (hall never be able to fhew my face after this : Blunt will rail at me, my enemies will rejoice, and eve>y female tongue will clack, clack. Contufion ! What's to be done ? I'll follow her to Sir Philip's mafk ; and from this moment not one unguarded \vorjd fhall ever elcape me. [#//, SCENE a Room in Sir Philip 9 s Houfe. Enter Sir PHILIP, WISELY, W BELL- FIELD. SIR PHILIP. You amaze me, Mr. Wifely. Carelefs a defign upon my wife ! WISELY. He has laid his plot as I have told you. SIR PHILIP. Why this is enough to fpoil a man's dancing indeed. [Dances.] WISELY, BUT HIS OWN. 87 WISELY. Be direfled by me, and you fhall at once have full proof, and be able to prevent the mif- chief. SIR PHILIP. [Dancing.] I was never fo difconcerted in my born days. B E L L F I E L D. Your own eyes, your own ears, (hall convince you. Wifely, [a/ide to Wifely] I'll ftep and fee if Luanda's ready. WISELY. \_Afide to Bellfield.] Does fhe enter with fpirit into the fcheme ? BELLFIELD. Moil chearfully. WISELY. Well, ftep and fpeak to her once more. [Exit Bellfield.] This will finifli him with Hortenfia. [Aftde.~\ The levity of this man, Sir Philip, his own folly, has put it in my pow?r to do you this fervice. Hum! I fee Carelefs coming j I know his drefs. SIR PHILIP. And there's comes my wife ; I know her drefs too. WISELY. Sir Philip, get you behind that curtain : quick quick ; your happinefs depends upon it. 7 SIR 8 NO ONE's ENEMY SIR PHILIP. I am gone. [Goes behind the curtain banging to tbe backfcene.~\ WISELY. Now, now, this is the very crifis of his fate. [Exit. Enter CARELESS and LUCINDA, at oppofite doorsy both majked. CARELESS. Her ladylhip is true to her appointment, I fee. [Unmajks] My lady Figurein, this is generous indeed. LUCINDA. The ball-room's full. [Inafeigrfd voice.] CARELESS. And we are fafe here. Come, come, let me hear the gentle accents of yoar own fweet voice. LUCINDA. No , I love to pradife. SIR PHILIP. [Peeping behind] I never knew fuch perfidy in my life. CARELESS. Now then the opportunity favours let us re- tire to compleat each others' blifs. SIR PHILIP. You (hall dance [finks and rifes~\ to another tune prefendy, L U- B U T H I S O W N. 89 L U C I N D A. I've fomething to fay to you firft : 1 hear you're going to marry that flirt, Lucinda. CARELESS. Lucinda ! Ha ! ha ! rThat will never be ! Marry her ! A proud infolent, who over-rates both her beauty and her fortune. 1 never had a fincere regard for her j J gave the girl hopes, and pamper'd her vain imagination, but I never liked her. LUCINDA. I am glad to hear that ; I am afraid her cha- racter is not the beft, CAR E JUE S S. If it has a flaw, fhe ufes it like broken china patches it up as well as (he can, and turns the faired fide to view. LUCINDA. But then you'll marry Hortenfia. CARELESS. That will be as things happen. But as to her, {he'll be of no inconvenience to our amours ; I mall always be able to detach a part of my time from her, in order to dedicate it more happily to love and joy with your ladyfhip. SIR PHILIP. Such a villain never entered a gentleman*:* houfe! L TJ C I N D A. I am very faint of a fudden. Throw up that yonder. N CARE- e NO ONE'S ENEMY CARELESS. Don't alarm yourfelf. [Drawing up the curtain^ and looking towards her.] Your ladylhip will be well in a moment. - Sir Philip will never fuf- pecly or be able to find us out. He'll be bufy with the graces. : [Making fajl the -firing of tbe curtain, fees him.'] Damnation ! \Walks SIR PHILIP. [Following him.'] Mr. Carelefs, this is the viieft proceeding the bafeft ufage, Sir the wicked- eft defign it's enough to put a body in a paf- lion. CARELESS. Zbons ! what mall I do now ? SIR PHILIP. I did not think you capable of this nor your ladyfhip either : - Come, {hew your face, madam, and let me fee how guilt becomes it. [fakes off her majk.~] Lucinda all this time ! CARELESS. How ! - This is vvorfe and worfe. LUCINDA. Yes, Sir Philip, the gay, the giddy Ludn- da, SIR PHILIP. And my wife innocent all the time ! L U~ BUT His OWN. 91 L U C I N D A. Entirely : We concerted this fcheme amongft ourfeives to detect that gentleman. Mr. Care- lefs, you never had a fmcere regard for me, I think , and I have a flaw in my charafter, have not I ?- Ha ! ha ! Poor, detefted Mr. Carelefs. CARELESS. [Avoiding her.] I deferve it aU. I brought it all on myfelf. Enter WISELY and BELLFIELD. WISELY and BELLFIELD. Your humble fervattt, Mr. Carelefs. Ha! ha! CARELESS. A fwarm of enemies all at work againft me. -This is your damn'd defigning head, Wifely. SIR PHILIP. Mr. Carelefs, [in a minuet ftep] this is the groffeft violation of all friendfhip, honour, and hofpitality and, Sir, I (hall hope to fee you no more in my houfe. CARELESS. I fiiall take another opportunity to explain this matter, Sir Philip ; and for the prgfent I N jf Bntei 92 NO ONE'S ENEMY Enter HORTENSIA and BLUNT. She too here ! Oh, I'm in high luck ! L U C I N D A. . Hortenfia, here has been fuch a difcovery ! HORTENSIA. I have heard it all, my dear 1 have been attending in. the next room. Mr. Careleis, what muft I think of you now ? CARELESS. Every thing that's harfh, I make no doubt, Blunt, you fee what a condition I'm in here. B L U N T. I knew you'd be a bankrupt in fame as well as love at laft. 'CARELESS. 'Sdeath !- I can't ftand it it's too much to bear. 1 here take my leave of ye all. \Go- ing ] HORTENSIA. No, Sir, your prefence is neceflary : You (hall be a witnefs to an act of juftice. Mr. Wifely, I now acknowledge before this compa- ny, that I have behaved indelicately to you : But now, Sir, without ceremony, I give you my hand-, at once to make atonement for my pad conduct" and to fhew that wretch the juft reward of fecrecy in love. WISELY. BUT HIS OWN. 93 WISELY. Generous Hortenfla ! L U C I N D A. And, to do full and ample juftice on him, Mr. Bellfield, I have been a very tyrant to you, I have ufed you like What was your fimile, Mr. Carelefs ? My airs were too thin for a lover to fubfift uponj and fo now I'll lee in a lit- tle common-fenfe to keep him alive- Here, take me, Mr. Bellfield, that the gentleman may alfo fee the juft reward of fincerity in love. B. E L L F I.E.L D. Then I am paid indeed. SIR PHILIP. Poor Carelefs ! I almoft pity him. He has had his dance, and now he pays the piper. O M N E S. Ha! ha! CARELESS. Oh, mighty well ! you may laugh. I fhall leave ye in pofieflion of your mirth. [Throwing off bis ma/k.] Ha! ha! 1 fancy, though, you'll fee that I can meet with a fuccefs ellewhere equal to any of ye. O M N E S. Ha! ha! C A R E.L E S S. Ay, ay, go on enjoy the joke : 1 fhan't drop the lead hint of my future fchemes , but 1 believe O M N E S. 94 NO ONE's ENEMY O M N E S. Poor Carelefs ! Ha! ha! CARELESS. In a little time you'll know it all. 1 (hall depart for the county of Norfolk ; and you may ?ofiibly read, in a few days, in the Norwich ournal, of Mifs Belvidere and your humble fer- vant -That's all. L U C I N D A. brave ! a fieve to the very laft. SIR PHILIP. 1 have known them dance fifty couple at the Norwich aflembly. O M N E S. Ha! ha! CARELESS. Well, well ; I'll fay no more. [Going. J SIR PHILIP. [Stopping him.] Mr. Carelefs, fmce no injury is done me, I am willing to hope this day's bu- finds will correct your future conduct. C A R E L E S S. You are very good, Sir Philip. * It will be a leilon to me for the reft of my life. SIR PHILIP. Then let us- dance away reflection for the pre- fent. 1 won't be di {appointed:- You fhall facrifice to the graces with me. B U T H I S O W N. 95 CARELESS. With all my heart : I have no ill will to any one. Wifely, I deferve it, for putting my- felf in your power. -Blunt, fpare my confu- fton. 1 have been a very filly fellow : But fince things are come to this iflue, I have the confolation to feel, that whatever may have been my indifcretions, I am greatly above a felfifh and ungenerous character : I fcorn a bafe action as much as any man in England. The carelefs indifcreet (this day has (hewn) s no One's Enemy except His Own. FINIS. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. i| Form La-series 444 * t A 000 006 943 5 Uni