CM; 05 \ University of California At Los Angeles The Library Form L This book is DUE on the last date stamped below I Form L-9-10i-3,'27 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM, COMEDY In FIVE ACTS, As it is performed at the THEATRE -ROYAL in DR u R y-L AN By Mr. MURPHY, """ Connubio jungam ftabiH) fropriamque dicabo^ ,* VlRQ. THE FIFTH EDITION. LONDON: Printed for P. VAILLANT, fating Soutkamfion-Strffft in thfl Strand. MDCCLXV. ( Price is, 6d, ) S3 309 P R O L O G U Spoken by Mr. HOLLAND. JT^HEN fir ft the haughty critic's dreadful rage, With Gothic fury, over-ran the ft age, Then PROLOGUES 'rcfe, and ftrove with varied art To gain the foft acceffes to the heart ; Thro' all the 'tuneful tribe tb* injettion flew, Aud each GREAT GENIUS his petition drew, In forma pauperis addref'd the pit, With all the gay antilhefis of wit. Their f acred art poor pods own'd a crime-, Theyfigh'd in fimile ; they bowfd in rhyme. For charity they all were forced to beg ; And ev'ry Prologue was " a wooden leg." Next thefe a hardy manly race appeared, > Who knew no duJnefs, and no audience fear* d. From nature's ftore each curious tint they drew, Then boldly held the piece to public view. " Lo ! here ! ex aft proportion ! juft defign ! *' The bold relief '! and the unerring line ! ** Mark in foft union how the colour sftr ike ! ^ " This, Sirs, you will or this you ought to like" ^ They bid defiance to the foes of wit, x * " Scatter d like ratjbane up and down the pit" Such Prologues were of yore j our bard to- night Difdains a falfe compajjion to excite, > Nor too fecure your judgment would oppofe ', He packs no jury, AND HE DREADS NO FOES. To govern here no party can expeft ; An audience will preferve its own refpett. Yet premature, nor grown up to full age His lit tie group uncenfur*d walked the ft age. . His tablet to enlarge his hand he tries^ And bids his canvafs glow with various dyes t Where fenfe and folly mix in dubious Jirije, Alternate rife, andfiruggle into life. Judge if with art the mimic Jirokes he blend, If amicably light and Jhade contend ; The mental features^ if he trace with Jkill ; *~See the piece firji then damn if if you will Dramatis Perfbnae. M E N. LOVE MORE, Sir BASHFUL CONSTANT, Sir BRILLIANT FASHION, WILLIAM, Serv. to LOVEMORE, SIDEBOARD, Serv. to Sir BASH. Mr. GARRICK. Mr. YATES. Mr. PALMER. Mr. KING. Mr. ACKMAN. W O M'E N. The Widow BELLMOUR, Mrs. GIBBER. Mrs. LOVEMORE, Mrs. YATES. Lady CONSTANT, Mrs. DAVIES. MUSLIN, Maid to Mis. LOVE- 1 A 'A MORk, i V,cioSET,MaMtoM n .BHLL-l Mjgjfc MOUR, FURN.SH, Maid to Lady COK- ? M ; fi H , pp , SLEV _ STANT H STANT A black Boy belonging to the j Widow. 3 SCENE, L O N D O N. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ACT I. SCENE L A Room in LOV EM ORE'S Houfe, WILLIAM at Cards with a Brother Servant, W I L L I A M. A PL AGUE on it! I've turri'd out my game. Is forty-feven good ? . SERV. Equal. WIL. A plague go with it tearfe to a queen ! SERV* Equal. WIL. I've ruin'd my game, and be hang'd to me. I don't believe there's a footman in England plays with worfe luck than myfelf. Four aces is fourteen ! SERV. That's hard; cruel, by Jupiter! WIL. Four aces is fourteen fifteen (plays.) SERV. There's your equality. WIL. Very well fixteen (plays) ^ -feventeen (flays.) Enter MUSLIN. Mus. There's a couple of you, indeed! You're fo fond of the vices of your betters, that you're fcarce out of your beds, when you muft pretend to imitate them and their ways, forfooth, WIL. Prithee, be quiet, woman, do. Eighteen (plays.) Mus. Set you up indeed, Mr. Coxcomb,* WIL* Nineteen ! Clubs (plays.) B Mus. 2 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mus. Have done with your foolery, will ye? And fend my Lady word put us out WIL. Hold your tongue, Mrs. Muflin, you'll . What fhall I play ? I'll tell you, wo- after and I defire to have nothing to fay your Lady. -- Twenty j Diamonds ! Mus. But I tell you, Mr. Sauce-box, that my lady dsfires to know when your mafter came home laft night, and how he is this morning ? WIL. Prith.ee, be quiet. I and my mafter, are refolv'd to be teiz'd no more by you. - And fo, Mrs. Go-between, you may return as you came. What thetievil mail 1 play ? We'll have nothing to do with you, I ten 1 you. . Musy You'll have nothing to do with us ! -- But you 'mall have to do with us, or 1*11 know the reafon why. (Snatches the cards out cf bis bands.) WIL. Death and fury ! This meddling woman has deftroyed my whole game. Mus. Now, Sir, will you be fo obliging as to fend an anfwer to her queftions, how and when your rake-helly mafter came home laft night ? - WIL. I'll tell you what, Mrs. Muflin, -- fou and my mafter will be the death of me at laft^ that's what you will. In the name of charity, what do you both take me for ? Whatever appearances may be, I am but of mortal mould. Nothing fuperna- tural .about me. -- Mus. Upon my word, Mr. Powder-puff? - WIL. I have not indeed ! - And fo do you fee, flelh and blood can't hold it always. I can't be for ever a flave to your whims, and your fecond- hand airs. Mus. Second-hand airs ! WIL. Yes, fecond-hand airs! You take 'em at your ladies toilets with their caft gowns, and fo you defcend to us with them. And then on the other hand, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 3 hand, there's my matter! Becaufe he chufes to live upon the principal of his health, and fo run out his whole ftock as fail as he can, he muft have the pleafure of my company with him in his devil's dance to the other world. Never at home, till three, four, five, fix, in the morning ? Mus. Ay, a vile, ungrateful man, to have fo little regard for a wife that doats upon him. And your love for me is all of a piece. I've no pati- ence with you both. A couple of falfe, perfidious, abandoned, profligate WIL. Hey, hey, where's your tongue running? My mafter is, as the world goes, a "good fort of a civil kind of a hufband, and I, heav'n h^elp me, a poor fimpleton of an amorous, conflant puppy, that bears with all the follies of his little' tyrant here. Come and kifs me, you jade, come and kifs me. Mus. Paws off, Cadar. Don't think to make me your dupe. I know, when you go with him to this new lady, this Bath acquaintance : and I know you're as falfe as my mafter, and give all my dues to your Mrs. Mignionet there. WIL. Hum, not a word of that. I'm ruined, prefled, and fent on board a tender directly, if you blab that I trufted you with that fecret But to charge me with fallehood, injuftice and ingrati- tude ! My mafter, to be fure, does drink an agree- able difli of tea with the widow. Has been there every night this month paft How long it will laft, heav'n knows ! But thither he goes, and I attend him. 1 afk my mafter, Sir, fays I, what time would you pleafe to want me ? He gives me his anfwer, and then I flrut by Mrs. Mignionet, with- out fo much as tipping 'her one glance ; me ftands watering at the mouth, and a pretty fellow that, fays (he. Ay, ay, gaze on, fays I, gaze on ; I fee what you would be at: you'd be glad to B 2 h*ve 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. have me, you'd be glad to have me ! , Put four grapes, my dear ! I'll go home and che- rifh my own lovely wanton , and fo I do, you know I do. Then after toying with thee, I haften back to my mailer ; later indeed than he de- fires, but always too foon for him. He's loth to part ; he lingers and dangles, and I fland cool- ing my heels. O ! to the devil I pitch fuch a life. Mus. Why don't you flrive to reclaim the vile man then ? WIL. Softly, not fo fail; I have my talent to be fure ! yes, yes, I have my talent ; fome influence over my mailer's mind ; but can you fuppofe, that I have power to turn the drift of his inclinations, and lead him as I pleafe and to whom ? to his wife ! Pihaw ! Ridiculous, foolifh, and abfurd ! Mus. Mighty well, Sir ! can you proceed ? WIL. I tell you a wife is out of date, now-a- days; time was but that's all over a wife's a drug now ; meer tar-water, with every virtue under heaven, but no body takes it. Mus. Well, I fwear I could flap your impudent face. WIL. Come and kifs me, I fay.- Mus. A fiddleftick for your kifTes, while you en- courage your mailer to open rebellion againfl the beft of wives. WIL. 1 tell you it's her own fault; why don't fhe flrive to pleafe him, as you do me ? Come, throw your arms about my neck Mus. Ay, as I ufed to dp Mr. Brazen ; , WIL. Then mufl I force you to your own good (kiffes her) Pregnant with delight ! Egad if my mailer was not in the next room Mus. Huih ! My lady's bell rings, how long has he been up ? ' ' WIL. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 5 WIL. He has been up He has been up 'Sdeath you've fet me all on fire. Mus. There, there, the bell rings again Let me be gone (going,) well, but what muft I fay ? When did he come home ? WIL. At five this morning, rubbed his forehead, damn'd himfelf for a blockhead, went to bed in a peevim humour, and his now in tip-top fpirits with Sir Brilliant Faihion, in the next room. Mus. Oh lud! That bell rings again There, 4 there let me begone. (She kiffes bim and exit. WIL. There goes high and low life con trailed in .one penbn 'tis well I have not told her the whole of my mailer's fecrets: fhe'Jl blab that he vifits this widow from Bath But if they enquire, they'll be told, he does not The plot lies deeper than they are aware of, and fo they will only get into a puzzle hum ! yonder comes my mailer and Sir Brilli- antLet me get out of the way. [Exit. Enter LOVEMORE, and Sir BRILLIANT. LOVE. Ha ha ! my dear Sir Brilliant I mud both pity and laugh at you thou art metamor- phofed into the mod whimfical being ! Sir BRIL. Nay, prithee, Lovemore, truce with your raillery it is for fober advice that I apply to you LOVE. Sober advice ! ha ! ha ! Thou art very far gone indeed Sober advice ! There is no fuch thing as talking ferioufly and foberly to the tribe of lovers That eternal abfence of mind that pofTefies ye all There is no fociety witli you I was dam- nable company myfelf when I was one of the pining herd ; but a dofe of matrimony has brought me back again to myfelf, has cooled me pretty handfomely, I allure you j ay ! and here comes repetatur Hauf- tus. Enter 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Enter MUSLIN. Mus. My lady fends her compliments, and defires to know how you are this morning ? LOVE. Oh ! Lord ! my head aches woefully- it's the devil to be teazed in this manner what did you fay, child? Mus. My lady fent to know how you do, Sir LOVE. Oh! right! your lady give her my compliments, and I am very well, tell her Mus. She begs you won't think of going out with- out feeing her LOVE. There again now ! tell her tell her what you will I mall be glad to fee her I'll wait on her, any thing what you will. Mus. I ihall let my lady know, Sir. [Exit. LOVE. My dear Sir Brilliant, ' you fee I am an ex- ample before your eyes Put the widow Bellmour entirely out of your head, and let my Lord Ethe- ridge Sir BRIL. Pofitively no' my pride is picqued, and my Lord Etheridge mall find me a more for- midable rival than he is aware of. Enter WILLIAM. WIL. ^ir Bafhful Conftant is in his chariot at the upper end of the ftreet, and has fent his fervant to know if your honour is at home LOVE. By all means 1 fhall be glad to fee Sir Balhful (Exit William.) Now here comes another mortifying inftance to cleter you from all thoughts of marriage. Sir. BRIL. Pfhaw ! hang him; he is no inftance for me a younger brother, who has lived in mid- dling life ; comes to an eftate and a title on the death of a confurnptive baronet, marries a woman of qua- lity, and carries the primitive ideas of his narrow edu- cation THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 7 Cation into high life Hang him ! he is no ex- ample for me 1 remember htm when he had cham- bers in Fig-tree court -, fauntered and lounged away his time in Temple coffee-houfes ; my of every body, and running into corners of the room to hold a pri- vate conference with his cane, which he applied clofely to his mouth (Mimicks him.) LOVE. But he is a good deal improved fmce that time SIR BRIL. Po ! ameer Hottentot! unacquainted with life, bluihes every moment, and looks fufpi- cious, as if he imagined you have fome defign upon him. LOVE. Why, I fancy I can explain that I have found out a part of his character lately. You muft know, there is nothing he dreads fo much as being an obj eel: of ridicule; and fo let the cuftoms and famions of the world be ever fo abfurd, he com- plies, left he mould be laughed at for being parti- cular. Sir. BRIL. And fo, thro' the fear of being ridi- culous, he becomes fubftantially fo every moment. LOVE. Juft fo and then to fee him fhrink back as it ~re from your obfervation, calling a jealous and fearful eye all round him (Mimicks him.) Sir BRIL. Ha' ha! that's his way-^-but there is fomething worfe in him his behaviour to his lady Ever quarrelling, and infulting her with non- fenfe about the dignity of a hufband, and his fupe- rior reafon. LOVE. Why, there again now ; his fear of being ridiculous may be at the bottom of that. 1 don't think he hates my lady Conftant She is a fine wo- man, and knows the world. There is fomething myfterious in that part of his conduct, Sir. B;RIL. Myfterious! not to you he is ever confulting you you are in all his fecrets. LOVE. 8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. LOVE. Yes! but I can never find any of them out and yet there is fomething working within that would fain tell me, and yet he is my, and he hints, and he hefitates, and then he returns again into himfelf, and ends juft where he began. Hark ! I hear his chariot at the door, Sir BRIL. Why do you let him come after you ? he is afadtroublefome fellow, Lovemore. LOVE. Nay you're too fevere come he has fits of good-nature. . Sir BRIL. His wife has fits of good-nature you mean how goes on your defign there ? LOVE. Po ! Po! I have no defign, but I take it you are a formidable man in that quarter. Sir BRIL. Who 1 ? Pfhaw ! no fuch thing. LOVE. Never deny it to me I know you have made advances. Sir BRIL. Why faith, I pity my lady Conftant, and cannot bear to lee her treated as me is. LOVE. Well I that's generous have a care ; I hear him Sir Brilliant, I admire your amorous cha- rity of all things ha ! ha ! hum. ! here he comes. Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH, Mr. Lovemore a good morning to you Sir Brilliant, your fervant, Sir. Sir BRIL. Sir Bafhful, I am heartily glad to fee you I hope you left my lady well. Sir BASH. I can't fay, Sir; I am not her phy- fician. Sir BRIL. What a brute ! well, Lovemore ! I mult be gone. LOVE. Why in fuch a hurry ? Sir BRIL. I muft 1 promifed to call on a lady over the way A relation of mine from Wiltshire I ihan't (lay long I fliall be with you again before you are drefied. LOVE THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 9 LOVE. Very well ! a 1'honneur. Sir BRIL. Sir Bafhful, your fervant Mr. Love- more, yours. ['/. LOVEMORE W> BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I am glad he is gone; for I have fomething to advife with you about. LOVE. Have you ? Sir BASH. I have had another brufh with my wife ! LOVE. I am forry for it, Sir Bafhful I am per- fectly glad of it. [ s>fide. Sir BASH. Ay ! and pretty warm the quarrel was. Sir Bafhful, fays me, I wonder you will difgrace yourfelf at this rate you know my pin-money is not furEcient. My mercer has been with me again I can't bear to be dunn'd at this rate ;" and then me added fomething about her quality you know, Mr. Lovemore, (failing) me is a woman of quality. LOVE. Yes, and a fine woman too ! Sir BASH. No no no do you think (he is a fine woman LOVE. Moft certainly ! a very fine woman ! Sir BASH, (failing) Why, yes ! 1 think me b what you may call a fine woman. She keeps good company, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. The very bell. Sir BASH. Yes, yes , that (he does ; your tip-top ; none elfe ; but one would not encourage her too much for all that, Mr. Lovemore The world would think me but a weak man if I did. LOVE. Why yes ; the world will talk. Sir BASH. Ay ! fo it will ; and fo I anfwered her ftoutly, Madam, fays I, a fig for your quality- don't quality me I'll aft like a man of fenfe, Ma- dam, and I'll be mafler in my own houfe, Madam ; I have made a provifion for the iflue of our mar- C riage io THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. jiage in the fettlement, Madam ; and I would hav r e you to know, that I am not obliged to pay for your cats, and your dogs, and your fquirrels, and your monkeys, and your gaming debts. LOVE. How could you? that was too fharply faid Sir BASH. I gave it her but for all that (failing) I I I am very good natured at the bottom, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I dare fay you are, Sir Bamful Sir BASH. Yes, yes-, but a man muft keep up his own dignity I'll tell you what I did 1 went to the mercer myfelf, and paid him the money (fmiles at him.) LOVE. Did you ? Sir BASH. I did; but then one would not let the world know that no no LOVE. By no means. Sir BASH. It would make them think me too ux- orious. LOVE. So it would ! I muft encourage that no- tion of his (ajide.) . Sir BASH. And fo I told him ; Mr. Luteftring,. fays I, mum's the word there is your money, but let nobody 'know that I paid you flily. LOVE. Well ! you have the handfomeft way of doing a genteel thing Sir BASH. But that is not all I have to tell you. LOVE. No! Sir BASH. No no (fmiles) I have a deeper fecret than that. LOVE. Have ye? Sir BASH. I have , may I truft you ? LOVE. O ! upon my honour- Sir BASH. Well ! well ! I know you are my friend 1 know you are, and I have great confidence in you you muft know JLnttr THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. i Enter MUSLIN. Mus. Sir, My lady defires to know if you will drink a difh of tea this morning ? LOVE. I defire I may not be teazed in this man- ner tell your mifcrefs go, go about your bufi- nefs. [ Turns her out. Sir BASH; (q/ide.) Ay! I fee he does not care a cherry-done for his wife. LOVE. I hate this interruption Well, Sir Bafh- ful- Sir BASH. No ; he does not care a pinch of muff for her. [afide. LOVE. Proceed, Sir Bamful Sir BASH. It does not fignify, Mr Lovemore ; it's a fooliih affair ; I won't trouble you about it LOVE. Nay, that's unkind Sir BASH. Well ! well ! I will I will But pray do you think Muflin did not over-hear us ? LOVE. Not a fy liable come, come, we are fafe. Sir BASH. I don't know whether I may venture to tell him \afide. ] Let me afk you a queilion firft Pray now, have you any regard for your lady ? LOVE. The higheft value for her. Sir BASH. I repofe it with you You muft know, Mr. Lovemore as I told you I I I am at the bottom a very good-natured man, and tho' appear- ances in fome fort We are interrupted again. Enter Sir B R I L L I A N T. Sir BRIL. Well, I have paid my vifit, Lovemore. LOVE. This is the moil crofs accident fo Sir Brilliant ! Sir BASH. Ah ! I fee there is no going on now Mr. Lovemore, I wifh you a good day. LOVE. Po ! Prithee ! you {han't go. 12 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. Yes, yes ; another time will do ; fup- pofe you call at my houfe at one o'clock no body fhall interrupt us there \Afide to Lovemore. LOVE. With all my heart. Sir BASH. Do fo then , do fo we'll be fnug by ourfelves Well, Mr. Lovemore, a good morning Sir Brilliant, I kifs your hand you won't forget, Mr. Lovemore ! LOVE. Depend upon me. Sir BASH. Very well ! he is the only friend I have. [Exit. LOVEMORE, Sir BRILLIANT. LOVE. Ha ! ha ! you broke in upon us in the moft critical moment He was juft going to com- municate- Sir BRIL. I beg your pardon; I did not know LOVE. Nay, it's no matter i I mail get it out of him another time. Eater MUSLIN, Mus. My lady, Sir, is quite impatient. LOVE. Pmaw ! for ever teazing I'll wait upon her. [Exit Muflin. Sir BRIL. I'll flep and entertain her while you drefs may I take that liberty, Lovemore ? LOVE. You know you may ; no ceremony , how could you afk fuch a queftion ? apropos ; Sir Brilli- ant ! Step for one moment into my ftudy I want juft one word with you Sir BRIL. I attend you LOVE. This abfurd Sir Bafnful! ha! ha! a ri- diculous, unaccountable ha ! ha ! [Exeunt. SCENE another Apartment ; Mrs. LOVE- MORE, and a Maid attending her. Mrs. LOVE. This tram of tea! I don't know why I drink fo much of it. Heigh ho ! I wonder what keeps Muflin do you ftep, child, with my com- THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 13 compliments to your mailer, and let him know, I (hall be glad of his company to a difh of tea this morning. MAID. Yes, Ma'am. [Exit. Mrs. LOVE. Surely, never was any poor woman treated with fuch cruel indifference , nay, with fuch an open undifguifed infolence of gallantry. Enter MUSLIN. Mrs. LOVE. Well, Muflin, have you feen his prime minifter? Mus. Yes, Ma'am, I have feen Mr. William, and he fays, as how my matter came home according to cuftom, at five this morning, and in a huge pickle. He's now in his fludy, and has Sir Brilliant Falhion with him. Mrs. Love. Is he there again ? Mus. He is, Ma'am ; and I heard them both laughing as loud as any thing. Mrs. Love. About fome precious mifchief, I'll be fworn , and all at my coft too ! heigh ho ! Mus. Dear Ma'am, why will you chagrin your- felf about a vile man, that is not worth, no, as I live and breathe, not worth a fmgle figh ? Mrs. LOVE. What can I do, Muflin ? Mus. Do, Ma'am ! Lard ! If I was as you, I'd do for him ; As I am a living chriftian, I would If I could not cure my grief, I'd find fome comforts, that's what I would. Mrs. LOVE. Heigh ho! I have no comfort. Mus. No comfort, Ma'am ? Whofe fault then ? Would any body but you, Ma'am ? It provokes me to think of it. Would any body, Ma'am, young and handfome as you are, with fo many accompliih- ments, Ma'am, fit at home here, as melancholy as a poor fervant out of place ? And all this for what r for a hulband, and fuch a hufband ! j What i 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. What do you think the world will fay of you, Ma'am, if you go on this way ? Mrs. LOVE. I care not what they fay, I am tired of the world, and the world may be tired of me, if it will : My troubles are my own only, and I mufc endeavour to bear them Who knows what patience may do? If Mr. Lovemore has any feeling left, my reiignation may ibme day or other have its effect, and incline him to do mejultice. Mus. But, dear Ma'am, that's waiting for dead men's fhoes, incline him to do you juftice ! What figniries expecting and expecting ? Give me a bird in the hand. Lard, Ma'am, to be for ever pining and grieving ! Dear heart ! If all the women in Lon- don, in your cafe, were to fit down and die of the fpleen, what would become of all the public places ! They might turn Vaux-hall to a hop- garden, make a brew-houfe of Ranelagh, and let both the play-houfes to a methodift preacher. We mould not have the racketting with 'em we have now. " John, let the horfes be put to " John, go to my lady Trumpabout's, and invite " her to a fmall parry of twenty or thirty card- " tables. John, run to my lady Cat-gut, and let " her ladyfhip know I'll wait on her to the new <; opera. John, run as f aft as ever you can, with my compliments to Mr. Varney, and tell him I c mail take it as the greateft favour on earth, if he will let me have a fide-box for the new play. " No excufe, tell him." They whifk about the town and rantipole it with as unconcerned looks, and as florid outfides, as if they were treated at home like fo many goddefles, tho* every body knows pofief- fion has ungcddtffed them all long ago, and their hufbands care no more for them, no by jingo, no more than they do for their hufbands. Mrs. LOVE. You run on at a ftrange rate. Mus. (In a$affion.} Dear Ma'am, 'ds enough to make THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 15 make a body run on If every body th ught like Mrs. LOVE. If every body lov'd like me. Mus. A brafs thimble for love, if it is not an- fwered by love. What the deuce is here to do ? Shall I go and fix my heart upon a man, that mall clefpife me for that very reaibn ; and, " Ay," fays he, " poor fool, I fee me loves me, the woman's " well enough, only me has one inconvenient cir- " cumftance about her : I'm married to her, and " marriage is the devil." And then, when he's going a roguing, fmiles impudently in your face, and, " My dear, divert yourfelf, Fm juft going to " kill half an hour at the chocolate-houle, or to peep " in at the play ; your fervant, my dear, your fer- " vant." Fye upon 'em ! I know 'em all. Give me a hufoand that will enlarge the circle of my in- nocent pleafures : but a hufband now-a-days, Ma'am, is no fuch a thing. A hufband now as I hope for mercy, is nothing at all but a fcare-crow, to mew you the fruit, but touch it if you dare. A hufband the devil take 'em all Lord forgive me for fwearing is nothing at all but a bug-bear, a fnap-dragon ; a hufband, Ma'am, is Mrs. LOVE. Prithee, peace with your tongue, and fee what keeps that girl. Mus. Yes, Ma'am, why Jenny, why don't you come up to my lady ? What do you ftand a gof- fipping there for ? A hufband, Ma'am, is a mere monfter ; that is to fay, if one makes him fo ; then, for certain, he is a monfter indeed j and if one does not make him fo, then he behaves like a monfter-, and of the two evils, by my troth Ma'am, was you ever at the play of Catharine and Mercutio ? The vile man calls his wife his goods, and his chattels, and his houfhald fluff. There you may fee, Ma'am, what a hufband is, a hufband is But 16 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM, But here comes one will tell you Here comes Sir Brilliant Faihion. Afk his advice, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. His advice ! Afk advice of the man who has eftranged Mr. Lovemore's affections from me! Mus. Well, I proteft and vow, Ma'am, I think Sir Brilliant a very pretty gentleman. He's the very pink of the falhion ; he drefles famionably, lives falhionably, wins your money famionably, lofes his own famionably, and does every thing famionably ; and then he is fo lively, and talks fo lively, and fo much to fay, and fo never at a lofs. But here he comes. Enter Sir BRILLIANT/;^. Sir BRL. Mrs. Lovemore, your moft obedient very humble fervant. But my dear madam, what always in a vis-a-vis party with your Suivante \ You will afford me your pardon, my dear Ma'am, if I avow that this does a little wear the appearance of mifanthropy. Mrs. LOVE. Far from it, Sir Brilliant -W r e were engaged in your panegyric. Sir BRIL. My panegyric ! Then am I come moft apropos to give a helping hand towards making it complete. Mr. Lovemore will kifs your hand pre- fently, Ma'am ; he has not as yet entirely adjufted his drefs In the mean time, I can, if you pleaie, help you to fome anecdotes, which will perhaps enable you to colour your canvas a little higher. Mrs. LOVE. I hope you will be fure, among thofe anecdotes, not to omit the egregious exploit offeducingMr. Lovemore entirely from his wife. [She makes afign to Muflin to go. Sir BRIL. I, Ma'am! Let me perilh, Ma'am Mrs. LOVE. Oh ! Sir, I am no ftranger to Sir BRIL. May fortune eternally forlake me, and beauty frown on me, if ever- Mrs, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 17 Mrs. Lovz. Don't proteft too ftrongly, Sir Bril- liant Sir BRIL. May I never hold four by honours Mrs. LOVE. Nay, but Sir. Sir BRIL. Ma'am, I am altogether ftrnck with amazement. May I never tafte the dear delight: of breaking a Pharaoh bank, or bullying the whole room at a brag-party, if ever I was, in thought, word, or deed, acceflary to his infidelity. I deny all unlawful confederacy. Mrs. LOVE. O ! Sir, it is in vain to deny.' Sir BRIL. Nay, but my dear Mrs. Lovemore, give me leave. 1 alienate the affections of Mr. Lovemore ! Confider, Madam, how would this tell in Weftminfter-hall. Sir Brilliant Falhion, How fay you, guilty of this indictment, or not guilty ? Not guilty, pofs. Thus iflue is joined ; you enter the court, and in fober fadnefs charge the whole plump upon me, without a word as to the how, when, and where ; No proof pofitive, there ends the profecution. Mrs. LOVE. But, Sir, your dating of the cafe Sir BRIL. Dear Ma'am, don't interrupt. Mrs. LOVE. Let me explain this matter. Sir BRIL. Nay, Mrs. Lovemore, allow me fair play. I am now upon my defence. You will pleale to confider, gentlemen of the jury, that Mr. Lovemore is not a v/ard, nor I guardian ; that he is his own matter to do as he pleafes ; that Mr. Lovemore is fond of gaiety, pleafure, and enjoy- ment ; that he knows how to live; to make ufe of the fenfes nature has given him, and pluck the fruit that grows round him. That is the whole affair. How fay ye ? Gentlemen of the jury ? Not guilty. There, Ma'am, you feej Not guilty. Mrs. LOVE. You run on finely, Sir Brilliant; but don't imagine thatjj'his bantering way D Sir i8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BRIL. Acquitted by my country, Ma'am, you fee, fairly acquitted ! Mrs. LOVE. After the very edifying counkl you give Mr. Lovemore, this looie flrain of yours, Sir Brilliant, is not at all furprifmg ; and, Sir, your late project Sir BRIL. My late projefl ! Mrs. LOVE. Yes, Sir: Not content with leading Mr. Lovemore into a thoufand diffipations from all conjugal affection and dome-flic happineis, you have lately introduced him to your Mrs. Bcll- mour. Sir BRIL. Ma'am, he does not fo much as know Mrs. Bellmour. Mrs. LOVE. Fye upon it, Sir Brilliant ! falfe- hood is but a poor Sir BRIL. Falfehood I difdain, Ma'am, and I Sir Brilliant Fafhion declare, that Mr. Lovemore, your hulband, is not acquainted with the widow Bellmour , You don't know that lady, Ma'am. But I'll let you into her whole hiflory, her whole hiftory, Ma'am: Pray.be feated. The widow Bellmour is a lady of fo agreeable vivacity, that it is no wonder all the pretty fellows are on their knees to her Her manner fo entertaining, fuch quicknefs of tranfition from one thing to another ; and every thing me does, does fo become her; and then me has fuch a feeling heart, and fuch generality of fentiment ! Mrs. LOVE. Mighty well, Sir! She is a very Veftal and a Veftal from your fchool of painting muft be very curious. But give me leave, Sir How comes it that you defift from paying your ad- dreffes in that quarter ? Sir BRIL. Why faith, I brib'd her chambermaid, and I find that my lord George Etheridge, who I thought was out of the kingdom, is the happy man; and fo all that remains for me, is to do ju- ftice THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 19 ftice to the lady, andconfole myfelf in the befl mar> ner I can for the infufficiency of my pretenfions. Mrs. LOVE. And am I really to believe all this? Sir BRIL. May the firft woman I put tne que- ftion to, ftrike me to the center with a fupercilious eyebrow, if every fy liable is not minutelv true, fo that you fee, Ma'am, 1 am not the cauie of your inquietude. There is not on earth a man that could be more averfe from fuch a thin<|, nor a perfon in the world who more earneftly alpires to prove the tender eiteeem he bears ye, (She rifes difconcerted.) You fee, my dear Ma'am, we both have caufe of diicontent ; we are both difappointed, both croffed in love, and fo Ma'am, the lead we can do is, both heartily join to Lovemore {peaks within. William! Is the chat riot at the door ? Sir BRIL. We are interrupted. Enter LOVEMORE. Lov E . Very well, let the chariot be brought round directly. How do you do this morning, my dear ? Sir Brilliant, I beg your pardon. How do you do, my dear ?! -(With an air of cold civility.) Mrs LOVE. Only a little indifpofed in mind, and indifpofition of the mind is of no fort of confe- quence , not worth a cure LOVE. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Lovemore ; In- difpcfition of the mind bir Brilliant, that is really a mighty pretty ring you have on your finger. Sir BRIL. A bauble: Will you look at it? Mrs. LOVE. 1 hough I have but few obligations to Sir Brilliant, yet I fancy I may afcribe to him the iavour of this vifit, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. (Looking at the ring.) Nay, now ponv tively you wrong me -, I was obliged to you for y-oyr civil enquiries concerning m^ this morning, D 2 . anci 20 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. and fo on my part, I came to return the compliment before I go abroad. Upon my word 'tis very pret- tily fet (Gives it.} Mrs. LOVE. Are you going abroad, Sir ? ' LOVE. A matter of bufmefs -, 1 hate bufmefs but bufmefs muft be done. (Examining kis ruffles.} Pray is there any news ? any nev$, my dear ? Mrs. LOVE. It would be news to me, Sir, if you. would be kind enough to let me know whether 1 may expert the favour of your company to dinner. LOVE. It would be impertinent in me to anfwer. fuch a queftion, becaufe I can give no direct pofitive anfwer to it; as things happen perhaps I may, perhaps may not. But don't let me be of any inconvenience to you-, it is not material where a body eats. Apropos, you have heard what hap- pened, (to Sir Brilliant.} SiRBiuL. When, and where? LOVE. A word in your ear Ma'am with your permifiion. Mrs. LOVE. That cold contemptuous civility, Mr. Lovemore , LOVE. Pfhaw ! Prithee now How can you, my dear ? That's very peevifh now, and ill ria- tured. It is but about a meer trifle Hark ye, (whifpers} I loft every thing I play'd for after you went, the Foreigner and he underftand one another. 1 beg pardon, Ma'am, it was only about an affair at the opera. Mrs. LOVE. The opera, Mr. Lovemore, or any thing, is more agreeable than my company. LOVE. You wrong me now, I declare you wrong me ; and if it will give you any pleafure, I'll fup at home. Can't we mtet at the St. Alban's to-night ? ,_ (afide to Sir Brilliant.} Mrs. LOVE. I believe I need not tell you what pleafure THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 21 pleafure that would give me : But unlefs the plea- lure is mutual, Mr. Lovemore LOVE. Ma'am I 1 1 perceive all the deli- cacy of that fentiment ; But a 1 lhall in- commode you, you pofllbly may have fome pri- vate party and it would be very impolite in me to obftruft your fchemcs of pleafure. Would it not, Sir Brilliant ? (laughs.} Sir. BRIL. It would be gothic to the lait degree. Ha! ha! Love. Ha! ha! To be fure, for me to be of the party, would look as if we lived together like pur friend Sir Bamful Ccnftant and his lady, who are for ever like two game-cocks, ready armed to goad and wound one another moft heartily. Ha! ha! Sir BRIL. The very thing. Ha! ha! Love. So it is, ib it is. (Both ft and laughing.} Mrs. LOVE. Very well, gentlemen; you have it all to yourfelves. LOVE. Odfo ! (looking at his watch,) I mall be beyond my time. Any commands into the city, Madam ? Mrs. LOVE. Commands ! I have no commands, Sir. LOVE. I have an appointment there at my Ban- ker's ; Sir Brilliant, you know old Difcount? Sir BRIL. W T hat he that was in parliament? LOVE. The fame ; Entire Butt, I think, was the name of the borough. Ha,! ha! ha! Can I fet you down any where, Sir Brilliant ? Sir BRIL. Can you give me a caft in St. James's flreet ? LOVE.. By all means Allans Mrs. Lovemore, your moft obedient, Ma'am Who waits there ? Mrs. Lovnnore,. no ceremony your fervant. (Exitfinging.} Sir 22 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BR.IL. Ma'am, you fee I don't carry Mr. Lovemore abroad no'.v I have the honour, Ma'am, to take my leave I mall have her I fee plainly ; Sir Brilliant mind your hits, and your bufmefs is done. (Afide.} Ma'am, your mod obedient. (Exit.] Enter MUSLIN bajtfy. Mus. Did you call, Ma'am ? Mrs. L OVE. To be infulted thus by his loofe con- fident carriage ! Mus. As 1 live and breathe, Ma'am, if I was as you, I would not flutter myfelf about it. Mrs. LOVE. About what ? Mus. La! what fignifies mincing matters? I overheard it all. Mrs. LOVE. You did; did you ? (angrily.} Mus. Ma'arn! Mrs. LOVE. It dees not fignify at prefent. Mus. No, Ma'am, it does not fignify, and re- venge is fweet, I think; and by my troth, I don't fee why you mould Hand on 'ceremony with a huf- band thaf {lands upon none with you. Mrs. LOVE. Again prithee, Mrs. Malapert, none of your advice. How dare you talk in this manner to me-? Let me hear no more of this im- pertinent freedom. (walks about.} Mus. No, Ma'am. It's very well, Ma'am. I have done, Ma'am. - (difconcerted, and then Jhe fpeaks qfide.) What the devil is here to do ? An unmannerly thing ro go for to huff me in this man- ner Mrs. LOVE. (Still -walking about.} -To make his character public, and render him the fubjeft of every tea-table throughout this town, would only ferve to widen the breach, and, inftead of his neglect, might call forth his anger, and fettle at laft into a fixed a- verfion lawyers, parting, and feparate maintenance 8 would THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 23 would enfue. No, I mud avoid that, if pofiible; I will avoid that. What mult be clone? MLS. What can fhe be thinking of now ? The fulky thing, not to be more familiar with fuch a friend as I am ! What can fhe mean ? Did you. ipeak to me, Ma'am ? - Mrs. LOVE. Suppofe I were to try that ! Muflin. Mus. Ma'am ! Now for it. - Mrs. LOVE. You heard Sir Brilliant deny that Mr. Lovemore vifits at this widow Bellmour's. Mus. Lard, Ma'am, he is as full of fibs as a French milliner, he does vifit there, I know it all from William, I'll be hang'd in my own gar- ters if he does not. Mrs. LOVE. I know not what to do ! Heigh-ho! I think I'll venture. Let my chair be got ready inftantly. Mus. Your chair, Ma'am ! Are you going out, Ma'am ? Mrs. LOVE. Don't teaze me with your talk, but do as I bid you, and bring my capuchin down to the pa, lour immediately. (Exit.) Mus. What is in the wind now ? An ill-natured pufs, not to tell me what fhe is about. It's no mat- ter, fhe does not know what fhe is about Before I'd lead fuch a life, I'd take a lover's leap into Ro- famond's pond. 1 love to fee company for my part. But, Lord blefs me ! 1 had like to have forgot, Mrs. Marmalet comes to my rout to-night. I had as live fhe had ftaid away bhe's nothing but mere lumber! fo formal, that fhe won't play above a Ihilling-whift. How the devil does fhe think I'm to make a (hilling party for her ? There's no fuch a thing to be done now-a-days, no body plays fhill- ing-whift now. d of ibi Hrfl Aft. 24 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ACT. II. SCENE, a Room at Sir B A S H F U L CONSTANT'S. Enter Sir BASHFUL. DI D not I hear a knock at the door ? yes, yes; I did the coach is juft driving away Side- board ! Sideboard ! come hither, I tell you come hither, Sideboard I muft know who it is my wife keeps the beft company in England but I muft be wary , I muft be cautious ; fervants love to peep into the bottom of their mafter's fecrets. Enter SIDEBOARD. Whofe coach was that at the door but now ? SIDE. The dutchefs of Hurricane, pleafe your Honour. Sir BASH. The dutchefs of Hurricane ! a woman of great rank (afide laughing.^ The dutchefs of Hurricane, bideboard i What did me want ? SIDE. I can't fay, your Honour - She left this card. Sir BASH. A card ! let me fee it (reads} " The dutchefs of Hurricane's compliments to lady Con- ftant , jhe has left the Rooks, and the country Squires, and the Crows, and the Fox-hunters, and the Dogs, to their own dear focieiy for the reft of the winter, and lets her lady/h-p knew that foe fees company at Hurnczne-boufe on Wednefdays for the remainder " of the feafon." Make me thankful ! here's a card from a dutchefs ! what have you in your hand ? SIDE. Cards they have been leaving here all the morning, your Honour. Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. All the morning! why, I may as well keep an inn ; may as well keep the Coach and Horfes in Piccadilly I won't bear this, Sideboard I can't bear it ; it is too much pleafure, (afide.) Let me fee ; let me fee SIDE. There, your honour (Gives him fever al Jlips of cards.} Sir BASH, (reads.) " Lady Riot Mrs. Almight ^The dutchefs of Carmine Look ye there ! " another dutchefs! Mrs. Lcveit Lady Baffet . " Lord Pleurifie -The counteis of Ratifie Sir " Richard Lungs Lord Laudanum Sir " Charles Valerian Lady He fit c Lady Mary " Gabble" What, all thefe- this morning, Side- board ? This is too much all people of tip-top con- dition to vifit my wife Enter FURNISH. Sir BASH. What's the matter, Furnifh ? FUR. Nothing, Sir , nothing's the matter Sir BASH. What are you about ? where are you going ? what have you to do now ? FUR. Todofo, Sir! only to tell the chairmen they mud go out with the chair in the evening, and black George with the flambeau before 'em to pay fome vifits for my lady this evening, that's all, Sir. Sir BASH. An empty chai? to return vifits! What polite ways pecjple of faihion have of being intimate with one another ! -I can't help laughing at it , I like to fee my v/ife do like other people (laughs afide] but I fhall be found out by my fer- vants I tell you, Sideboard, and I tell you too, Mrs. Impertinence, that my lady leads a life of folly, and noife, and hurry, and cards, and dice, and abfur- . dity, and non-fenfe, said I won't bear it ; I am re- folv'd I will not. 1 think I hear her coming ; I do ; I do; 1 will not go on this way, and now I'll tell her roundly a piece of" my mind. E Entef 26 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Enter INCONSTANT. Sir BASH, (ajide.) She looks charmingly- fb, my lady Conitant, I have had my houfe full of duns again to-day. Lady CON. Obliging creatures ! to call fo often What did they want ? Sir BASH. What did they want? they wanted their money Lady CON. Well ! and you paid them, did not you ? Sir BASH. I pay them !- 'sdeath ! Madam y what do you take me for ? Lady CON. I took you for a hufband* but I find I was miftaken Sir' BASH. Death and fire ! I fee you are an un- grateful woman. I am fare, my lady Conflant, I have behaved in many inftances with great good- nature towards- you. Did not I go into parliament, Madam, to pleafe you ? Did not I go and get drunk at a borough for a month together ? and get mobbed at the George and Vultur, and pelted and horfe- whipped the day before the election ; and all this to pleafe your vanity ? Did not I ftand up in the hpufe to make a fpeech merely to gratify your pride ? And did not I expofe myfelf there ? Did 1 know whether I flood upon my head or my heels ? What' the devil had I to do in parliament ?-* What's my country to me ? Lady CON. Who mentioned your country, Sir ? Sir BASH. I defire you won't mention it I have nothing to do with it, no, nor with your debts I Jiave nothing to do with them, and I defire you will tell your people to come no more after me 1 know how to put a flop to that matter notice in the Gazette will exempt me from your extravagan- cies I did not live in the Temple for nothing. FUR. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 2; FUR. I proteft I never heard any body talk fo *nean in all my days before Lady Cox. Don't you be fo pert, pray ? Leave the room -, go both of ye down flairs. Exeunt Furnifh and Sideboard. Sir BASH. I have kept it up pretty well before my fervants She is a fine woman, and talks admi- rably {e.fide. ] Lady CON. Is there never to bs an end of this ufage, Sir Bafhful ? am I to be for ever made un- happy by your humours ? Sir BASH. Humours ! I like that expreffion pro- digioufly Humours ! and fo I fuppofe all good fenfe and found judgment are, in the fine-lady's dictionary, to be called humours Humours in- deed ! Lady CON. You may harp upon the word, Sir but let me tell you, that felf-love is more apt to give falfe colourings to the infirmities it finds in our own bread, than the reft of the world is to miiinterpret our good qualities. Humours you have, Sir, and fuch as are to me grown infupportable. Sir BASH. She talks like an angel! Madam, I fhould have no humours (moderating his voice) as you call them, if your extravagancies were not in- iupportable. But let us canvas this matter quietly and cooly What would the world think of my un- derftanding, if I were feen to encourage your way of life ? Lady CON. What will the world think of it now, Sir ! Take this along with you, there is a certain fet of people, who, when they would avoid one er- ror, are fure to run into the oppofite extreme. Sir BASH. There's for you ! a tranflation from Horace Dum vitant ftulti it's all his own feek- ing So ridiculous an adventure fure never was (Afide] Your fervant, Sir Bafhful, yourfervant. (**.) 'Sir BASH. Profper you, profper you, Mr. Love- more ! make me thankful ! he is a truefriend this is finely contrived ! Hum ! did not I hear fome body coming ? is not that Sir Brilliant's voice ? fi#C 92309 38 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. fure they won't let him in Zookers ! he is coming up ftairs- He lhan't fee my lady for all that He fhan't interrupt bufmefs. Enter Sir B R I L L I A N T. Sir BRIL. Sir Bafhful, I kifs your hand and my lady, how does fhe do ? is fhe at home ? Sir BASH. Do you think I have nothing to do but to know whether me is at home or not ? 1 don't trouble my head about her, Sir. Sir BRIL. Never talk fo flightingly of fo agree- able a woman. . My lady Conitant has fpirit, taite, fenfe, wit, beauty. Sir BASH. Spirit, tafte, fenfe, wit, beauty She has all that fure enough, (dfide:) Sir, I am no fworn appraifer to take an inventory of her effects 1 don't know what fhe has. Sir BRIL. Is her ladyfhip vifible this morning ? Sir BASH. No, Sir ; fhe is invifible this morning ; and unintelligible this morning, and incomprehen- fible this morning. She is not well -, fhe has the vapours -, fhe is not to be fpoke to. Sir BRIL. I am forry for it I came to tell her the rareft piece of news Such a difcovery ! Sir BASH. Ay ! what's that ? Sir BRIL. You know Sir Amorous La Fool ? Sir BASH. Mighty well. Sir BRIL. Poor devil! he has got into .fuch a fcrape ! Sir BASH. What's the matter ? loft his money at play ? Sir BRIL. Worfe ! much worfe ! Sir BASH. He is not dead ? Sir BRIL. Why that's a fcrape indeed ! but it is not that ; Sir BASH. What then ? Sir BRIL. He is fallen in love ha ! ha ! Sir BASH. With fome jilt, perhaps ? Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 39 Sir BRIL. No Sir BASH. With fome prude, may be ? Sir BRIL. Nor that. Sir BASH. A young aclrefs, or an opera finger ? Sir BRIL. No 5 you'll never guefs like a filly devil, he has fallen in love with his own wife ? Sir BASH. In love with his own wife ! (Stares at bim. ) Sir BRIL. Ha ! ha ! it's very true -, I heard it at my lady Betty Scandal's ; and there was fo much laughing about it ; the card-tables were all in afto- nimment , Whift ftood ftill , Quadrille laid down the cards -, and Brag was in fufpcnce Poor Sir Amo- rous ! ha ! ha ! it is fo very ridiculous is it not, Sir Bafhful ? Sir BASH, (difccnccrted.) Very ridiculous, indeed ! zoons ! it's my own cafe cfire&ly. (Afide} Sir BRIL. The man is lolt, abandoned, ruined, dead, and buried ; ha ! ha ! you don't laugh, Sir Bafhful Sir BASH. Who I ? I I I I laugh as hear- tily as 1 pofTibly can. Sir BRIL. I want to find Lovemore ; he will be fo diverted with it you know he does not care a pinch of fnufffor his wife. Sir BASH. No more he does to be fure he does not ha ! ha ! (Afide.} No ; he cares no more for his wife than I do for mine. Sir BRIL. Much the fame. Sir BASH. Ay ! much the fame he knows but little of us. (Afide.} Sir BRIL. Poor Sir Amorous! he'll never be able to mew his face again ; adieu for him the fide-box whifper, the foft afllgnation, and all the joys of freedom He is retired with his Penelope to love moft heartily for a month, grow indifferent in two, and hate moil heartily in three Sir BASH. Do you think it will end fo ? Sir 4 o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BRIL. Moft certainly ! but I have not told you the worfl of his cafe our friend Sir Charles Wildfire, you know, was about a comedy now what has he done but drawn the character of Sir Amorous, and made him the hero of his piece. Sir BASH. What, put him into a comedy I Sir. BRIL. Ha ! ha ! yes, he has ; it is called the 'Amorous Hit/band, or the Man in Love with his own wife 1 muft be there the firft night. Sir Balhful, you {hall be of our party. Sir BASH. It will be a very agreeable party. I ihall enjoy the joke prodigioufly ha ! ha ! (Forcing a laugh.} Sir BRIL. It will be the higheft fcene in nature well ! a good day, Sir Bafhful I muft drive to a thoufand places, and put it about farewel ! let my lady know this affair it will appear fo ridiculous to her. Sir BASH. Do you think it will ? Sir BRIL. O ! without doubt adieu ! Poor Sir Amorous ! He will have his horns added to his coat of arms in a little time ha ! ha ! (Exit.) Sir BASHFUL alone. I fee how it is I fliall get lampooned, be-rhymed, and niched into a comedy Heaven be praifed I no body knows of my affection but Mr. Lovemore, and he can't difcover againft me for his own fake Well ! well Mr. Lovemore ! Enter LOVEMORE. Sir BASH. Well ! how ! how ! how have you managed it ? LOVE. Juft as I could wifh ; me is infinitely obliged to me, and will never forget this civility. Sir BASH. A thoufand thanks to you She fuf- pefts nothing of my being privy to it LOVE. Not the leaft inkling of it She talked ar 5 firit THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 41 firft fomcthing about delicacy, and thought it rather an indecorum to accept of money even from me, who am fo intimate in the family But that argu- ment was ibon filenced 1 told her I could not but fee what a bad hufband you are ' Sir BASH. That was well faid it had its effect I hope LOVE. Why, I hope it had, and then I talked a few fentences to tier, as that a perfon receiving a ci- vility confers the obligation ; that I was fure of wheedling yqu in fome unguarded moment to repay me, and therefore that it was but making you my banker for a fhort time, with more jargon to that purpofe i and fo with fome reluctance me complied, and things are now fettled upon as good a footing as I could wifh. Death and rage ! there's my wife Sir BASH. Ay ! and there is my wife too. LOVE. What the devil brings her hither? (AJide.} Sir BASH. Now let me fee how he will carry it before Mrs. Lovemore. (AJide.) Walk in, walk in, Mrs. Lovemore. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE and Lady CONSTANT at oppojite doors. Lady CON. Mrs. Lovemore ! I am glad to fee you abroad, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. I am highly fortunate in meeting your ladyfhip at home Mr. Lovemore, I am glad to fee you, Sir. LOVE. Mrs. Lovemore, I thank you. Sir BASH. Ay ! ay! mind him now. (Afide.) Mrs. LOVE. I thought you was 'gone into the city, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. Why will you mind me, Mrs. Lovemore ? I deferred going till evening. Mrs. LOVE. Then I may hope you will dine at home, Sir. LOVE. Oh ! Lord ! how can you teaze a man fo? G Sir 42 THE WAY TO KEEF HIM. Sir BASH. Yes, yes , I fee how it is ; he woii't let her haye the leait fufpicion of his regard t Lady CON. No doubt -Mr. Lovemore will dine at home, if it will give you any fatisfaction, Ma'ara ; and Sir Balhful will dine at home, I reckon, for the contrary reafon. Sir BASH. Madam, I will dine at home, or I will 'dine abroad, for what reafon I pleafe I am my own matter, Madam, Lovemore, me little fufpects me. (jjide and laughing.) LOVE. Not the leaft What a filly blockhead it is ha! ha! (jftde.). Mrs. LOVE. I fee your chariot is at the door, Mr. Lovemore ; I'll fend away my chair, and you may fet me down - LOVE. Ma'am, I have feveral places to- call at. Sir BASH. Cunning! cunning! He would not be feen ia a chariot with her for the world. (Afide.') Lady Cox. I am to have a rout to-morrow even- ing, Mrs. Lovemore I wifh you would favour us with your company. Sir BASH. A rout to-morrow evening ! you have a rout every evening, I think - 1 wim, Madam, you would learn of Mrs. Lovemore, and not make a fool of me as you do hip ! Lovemore. ( *fide ; they both laugh.) LOVE. Well! I muff be gone My lady Con- flant, I have the honour to wifh your ladyfhip' a good morning I beg you will take no notice to Sir Balhful Ma'am your moft obedient - (bows, ob- fequioufly to her.} Sir Balhful, yours Madanr - ( Hews gravely to Mrs Lovemore-, and exit.) Sir BASH. He carries it off finely - 1 have kept my own fecret too, and fhe mall never know it. - - Mrs. Lovemore, your moft obedient fervant, Ma- dam (bows (omp!aifantly) Madam - (to Lad} ConJlant) (bows grauffy, and exit.) THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 43 Mrs. LOVEMORE and Lady CONSTANT. ; Mrs. LOVE. Two fuch hufbands ! Lady Cox. As to my fwain, Mrs. Love more, I grant you but you may let your mind at reft ; Mr. Lovemore is at leaft well-bred, whereas Sir Bafliful never qualifies his difrelpecl: with the leaft tincture of civility. Mrs. LOVE. If there is any pleafure in being, made miferable with civility, I mult allow Mr. Lovemore a moft fkilful hand. I have found out another of his intrigues, and I came on purpofe to confuit with your ladylhip about it. There is a widow Bellmour to whom he now pays his addreiles. Lady CON. The widow Bellmour ! Mrs. LOVE. Yes; and Sir Brilliant Fashion, to cover the affair, has been giving her a moft perfect character. Lady CON. Why, Sir Brilliant's authority is in general not the belt But in this point he is right, i allure you Mrs. LOVE. Give me leave however to explain to you the whole circumftances of the affair. Lady Cox. But, my dear Ma'am, I know her fo well Mrs. LOVE. Nay, give me the hearing ; I am afraid there is too much in it, and I am determined to fearch it to the bottom. Lady CON. All fcandal, take my word for it But if I muft hear your ftory, let us adjourn the debate to my dreiTing-room, and I will promife to confute your whole accufation My dear Mrs. Love- more, are you not tending a little towards jealouiy?" beware of that, Ma'am , you muft not look thro' that medium ; That jaundice. of the mind, whofe colours frrike On friend and foe, and paint them all alike. , Ei:d cf tic Ssccnd A8. 44. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. A C T. III. SCENE, a Room at Mr. LOVEMORE's. Mr. and Mrs. LOVEMORE difcovered at Table -, fervants attending. LOVEMORE. I Wonder you are not tired, Mrs. Lovemore, of this eternal topic William, reach me a tooth- pick- - WIL. Yes, Sir. Mrs. LOVE. If I make it an eternal topic, as you call it, Sir, 1 am liire it is for your goqd, Mr. Love- more. LOVE. I thank you, Ma'am -- 1 know I always have your good wifhes, and (picking his teeth} you have my good wifhes, Mrs. Lovemore. Mrs. LOVE. If you would but wifh well to your- felf, Sir, I fhould be happy But your health muft be ruined, Mr. Lovemore, in the way you go on ; I wonder howyou hold it out at all, Sir your appetite is quite gone -, you have not, eat a morfel of dinner. LOVE. Don't fay fo, my dear, (picking bis teeth.} djn't fay fo ; I have done very well. Mrs. LOVE. Pardon me, Sir; I took notice ; and how mould it be otherwife ? In. your courfe of life the whole order of things is inverted ; night is day, and day is night ; your fubftance fquandered, your conftitution deftroyed, your fpirits exhaufted, and your family-concerns quite neglected. LOVE. Here's all our abfent friends, Mrs. Love- more, (drinks.) Mrs. LOVE. And at the rate you go on, every thing muft go to ruin ; a tavern-life !- J wonder what THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 45 pleafure you can find in a tavern-life! The gaming table, riot, and difiipation Company about you, that I know your good fenfe rnuft defpife, not to mention that coldnefs and neglect., which I meet with in confequence of all this (During this fpeech y Lovemore wets tke corner of a napkin, rubs kis -teeth, and looks i^ith a gay indifference -at her} I am not confcious how I have merited this treatment, Mr. Lovemore. Will you anfv/er me one queftion ? LOVE. With pleafure, Ma'am. Mrs LOVE. Lay your hand on your heart, and tell me then, have I deferved this ufage ? LOVE. My dear life (takes fane water m his mouth, and ft ere s at her.*} Mrs. LOVE. Anfwer me that, Sir, and anfwer me fincerely. -LovE. William, take all thefe things away WIL. Yes, Sir! LOVE. And reach that arm-chair, I don't fit eafy here ; ay ! this will do (compofcs bimfslf^ with h.s ^ back turned to her) (Exeunt fer^ ants.) Mrs. LOVE. I fay Mr. Lovemore, I think I have be.en no way deficient in fetting a proper Value upon you. You won my heart, and I freely gave it to you , from that moment, Sir, I have never abatecl from the love I bore you, whatever you may have done on your part LOVE, (going tojleep.} It is very true, my clear. Mrs. LOVE. Your intcreft has been mine-, your houfhold affairs have been the object of my attention ; diverfions, high living, mew, and idle pomp, have never had allurements for me LOVE, (endeavouring to keep his eyes open.) I can't contradict you, my dear. Mrs. LOVE. Had I been inclined to imitate the ex- ample of many other women, you mi^ht have been thonfands out of pocket by this time -, and tho' the fortune I brought you might entitle me to pleafuf- able 4 6 THE WAY. TO KEEP HIM. able expences, yet ceconomy and the domeftic duties of a wife (Lovemore drops ajleep] were more power- ful motives with me Some women confider marri- age as an introduction to the great fcene of the world; I rather thought it a Ibber and chearful retreat to lefs noify and ferener pleafures. What is called polite company I never delighted in, fmce marriage made me yours ; the pleafure arifing from your company, , Mr. Lovemore Upon my word, I have great rea- fon to be charmed with his company Faft afleep ! This is ever his way infenfible man ! It is too plain that I am grown loathfome to him, and mifery muft be my portion. Mr. Lovemore ! Mr. Lovemore! If you knew what affliction you occafion in this heart, you would hardly find it in your nature to treat me thus I will not diilurb him, and yet I cannot tamely lubmit to be unhappy. This affair of the widow Bellmour, I will trace to the bottom Lady Conftant is lavim in herpraife ; then I may fafely adventure upon this vifit ; I'll fbep to my chair this inilant, and at all events, I will undertake it Oh ! Mr. Lovemore ! my heart will break at laft (Exit:) Lovemore talks in bisjleep ; bis bead nodding about. No, my dear, no > I an't afleep ; it was not fo late at home by two o'clock (Jlteps and nods.} I do liften you are very right in all you fay I am only a little] thoughtful (Jleeps and mutters indiftincf words] no no no no fuch thing Sir Baihful Conftant is a fooii(h fellow no, my dear, no no (Jleeps and bis head rolls about violently] zoons ! I am ready to drop afleep 1 beg your pardon, Mrs. Lovemore , what did you fay, my dear ? (leans on the table Without locking about} To be fure what you lay is very true ; but one cannot always, you know, my dear (turning about.} 'Sdeath ! She is gone oh ! Lord ! I fell faft aileep let me fhake off this drowfy THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 47 C rifes) I dined at home for want of knowing how to difpofe of myfelf abroad, and thus I am over- taken What's o'clock ? Six William, get rea- dy ; I am going out directly. Now to buimefs; are my people ready there ? WIL. (within.) Yes, Sir; all ready LOVE. Very well; I am coming; and now, my dear Madam Venus, with more rapture than any of your votaries felt, I now invoke you I make but a flight requeft ; quit your Cyprian ifle, and attend me this afternoon ; Your befl arms employ, All wing'd with pleafure, and all tipt with joy. (Exit.} SCENE, a Room at the Widow Bellmour's, in which are difpofed up and down, federal Chairs., a Toilette, a Book-cafe, and a Harpfichor d ; Mignionet her maid, is fettling the T'cilette. Enter Mrs. Bellmour, reading a Volume of Pope. Oh ! bleft with temper, whofe unclouded ray Can make to-morrow chearftd as to-day ; She who can own a fifths charms, and bear Sighs for a daughter, with urny winded, ear ; Ybttt never anfwers till a bttjband cools, Andifjhe rules him nsvsr jlews foe rules j Senfible, elegant Pope ! Charms by accepting, by fubmitting /ways-* Yet has her humour mcjt whenjhe obeys ; (feems to read on. MIG. Lord love my miftrefs ! She's always fo happy, and fo gay. Mrs. BELL. Thefe charming characters of women! 'Tis like a painter's gallery, where one fees the por- 48 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. portraits of all one's acquaintance ! Here, Mig- nionet, put this book in its place. MIG. Yes, Ma'am. There, Ma'am, you fee your toilette looks moft charmingly. Mrs. BELL. Does it ? I think it does. Apropos, where's my new fong r Here it lies, I mult make myfelf miftrefs of it (Plays and fings a little.} I believe I mall conquer it prefently, (rifes and goe s to- ' "joardsber toilette.} This hair of mine is always tor- menting me , always in diforder, ^and ftraggling out of its place: 1 muft abfolutely fubdue this lock. Mignionet, do you know that this is a very pretty fong ? 'tis written by my lord Etheridge; 1 pofitively muft learn it before he comes. {Sings a line) Do you know, Mign onet, that I think my lord not wholly intolerable ? MIG. Yes, Ma'am, I know that. Mrs. BELL. Do you ? MIG. And if I have any fkill, Ma'am, I fancy you think him more than tolerable. Mrs. BELL. Really' then you think I like him, I fuppofe. Do you think I like him ?-r- 1 don't well know how that is, and yet I don't know but I do like him , no, no, I don't like him neither, not abfolutely like ; but I could like, if I had a mind to humour myfelf. The man has a foftnefs of rrianner, an elegant turn of thinking, and has a heart has he a heart ? yes, I think he has ; and then he is fuch an obferver of the manners, and fnews the ridiculous of them with fo much hu- mour MJG. I'll be whipt, if you don't get into the noofe before the long nights are over. Without doubt, Ma'am, my lord is a pretty man enough ; but lack-a-day what o'that ? You know but very little of him, your acquaintance is but very fhort ; (Mrs. Bellmour bums a tune} do pray my dear Madam, mind what 1 fay, for I am at times I af- 6 fure THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 49 aflurc you, very fpeculative, very fpeculative in- deed ; and I fee very plainly. Lord, Ma'am, what am I doing ! I am talking to you for your own good, and you're all in the air, and no more mind me, no, no more, than if I was nothing at all. Mrs. BELL. (Hums a tune ft ill.) Why indeed you talk wonderfully well upon the fubject -, but as I know how the cards lie, and can play the game my r - felf, and as I "don't know my long, why a-body is inclined to give that the preference. (Sings.) MIG. Ma'am, I allure you, I am none of thofe, fervants that bargain for their miftrefs's inclinations ; but I fee you are going to take a leap in the dark. I don't know what to make of his manner of com- ing here, with his chair always brought into the hall, and the curtains drawn clofe about his ears, as if May I never be married, if I don't believe there is fomething amifs in the affair. Dear heart, Ma'am, if you won't lifttn to me, what fignifies my living with you ? I am of no fervice to you. Mrs. BELL. I believe I have conquered the fong ; (Runs to her glafs) how do I look to-day ? Well enough, I think. Do you think I mall play the fool, Mignionet, and marry my Lord ? iMiG. You have it, Ma'am, thro' the very heart of you I fee that. Mrs. BELL. Do you think fo ? May be I may many, and may be'not. Poor Sir Brilliant Fafhion, what will become cf him ? But I won't think about it. Enter P O M P E Y. Mrs. BELL. W 7 hat's the matter, Pompey ? POM. There's a lady below in a chair, that dc- fires to know if you are at home, Madam. Mrs. BELL. Has the lady no name ? POM. She did not tell her name. H Mrs, 50 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mrs. BELL; How aukward you are ! Well her up. (Exit Pompey. M*o. Had not you better receive the lady in the dining-room, Ma'am ?- Things here are in fuch confufion. Mrs. BELL. No, it will do very well here. I dare fay it is fomebody I am intimate with, tho' the boy does not recoiled: her name. -Here me comes. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE, (They both look with a grave furprize at each other, then curtfey with an air of diftant civility . ) Mrs. BELL. Ma'am, your moft obedient, (with a kind' of referee'.} Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, I beg your pardon for this intrusion (difccrtcmed) Mrs. BELL. Pray Ma'am' walk in, won't you pleafe to be feated ? Mignionet, f-each a chair. (Mrs. Lovemore crofts thejlage^ and they faint e each other. Mrs. LOVE. I'm afraid this vifit from one un- known to you, will be inconvenient and troublefome. Mrs. BELL. Not at all, I dare fay ; you need not- be at the trouble of an apology: would you chufe a dim of chocolate ? Mrs. LOVE. lam rrinch oblig'd to you, Ma'am > not any. Mrs. BELL. Mignionet, you may withdraw, (Exit Mignionet.) Mrs. LOVE. Tho' I have not the pleafure of your acquaintance, Ma'am, there is a particular circum- Itance which has determin'd me to take this liberty with you , for which I entreat your pardon before- hand Mrs. BELL. The requeft is wholly unnecefiary ; but a particular drcumftarice, you fay Pray Ma'am to what circumftance am I indebted for tn is honour ? Mrs. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 51 Mrs. LOVE. I mall appear perhaps very ridicu- lous, and indeed I am afraid I have done the moft .abfurd thing. But Ma'am, a lady of your acquaint- ance, My -lady Conftant Mrs. BELL. My lady Conftant ! I know her very well Mrs. LOVE. She, Ma'am, has given you fuch a-a amiable character, that I eafily incline to flatter my- felf, you will not take offence at any thing ; and that if it is in your power, you will afford me your ^ffiftance. Mrs BELL. You may depend upon me. Mrs. LOVE. I will be very ingenuous-, Pray Ma'am, an't you acquainted with a gentleman whofe name is Love more ? Mrs. BELL. Lovemore ! -No, no fuch perfon in my lift. Lovemore ! I don't know him, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, i beg your pardon I am bin where I was. >1 wen't trouble you any farther, (going.) Mrs. BELL. 'Tis mighty odd, this (qfide.} Ma- dam, I muft own my curiofity is a good deal excited ; (fakes her by the band) Pray Ma'am, give me leave I beg you will fit down, pray don't think me impertinent may I beg to know -who the gen~ tleman is ? Mrs. LOVE. The fubject will be uninterefting to you, and to me it is too painful-^-My tears will force their way {fries.} Mrs. BELL. Tears ; her grief foftens me ftrangely I beg you will explain, Ma'am. . Mrs. 'LovE. You are very obliging, Ma'am, and I will endeavour I have been married thefe two years ; I admired my hufband for his underftanding, his fentiment, and fpirit ; I thought myfelf as firv- eerely loved by him, as my fond heart could wiih, 4)Ut there is of late, fuch a ftrange revolution in his temper, I -know. not what to make of it : inftead-tw H 2 the. 52 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. the looks of affection, and expreffions of tendernefs with which he uied to meet me, 'tis nothing now but cold, averted, fuperficial civility. While abroad he runs on in a wild career ofpleafure ^ and to my deep affliction, has fixed his affections upon another object. Mrs. BELL. If you mean to confult with me in re,- gard to this cafe, I am afraid yqu have made a wrong choice ; there is fomething in her appearance that af- fects me, (afide.} Pray excufe me, Ma'am, you confider this matter too deeply. Men will prove falfe, and if there .is nothing in your complaint but mere gallantry on his fide, upon my word, I can't think your cafe the worle for that. Mrs. LOVE. Not the worfe ! Mrs. BELL. On the contrary, much better. If his affections, inftead of being alienated, had been extinguim'd, he would have funk into a downright ftupid, habitual infenfibility , from which it might prove impofiibleto recal him. In all Love's bill of mortality there is not a more fatal diforder, but your hufbsnd is not fallen into that way. By your account, he ftill has fentiment, and where there is ientiment, there is ftill room to hope for an altera- tion. But in the other cafe, you have the pain of feeing yourlelf neglected, and for what ? for no- thing at all , the man has Iqft all fenfe of feeling, and is become to the warm beams of wit and beauty, as impenetrable as an ice-houfe. Mrs. LOVE. I am afraid, Ma'am, he is too much the reverfe of this, too iuiceptible of impreffions from every beautiful object. Mrs. BELL. ^Yhy, fo much the better, as I told you already , forne new idea has (truck his fancy, and he will be for a while under the influence of that. Mrs. LOVE. How light me makes of it ! (afide ) Mrs. BELL. But it is the wife's bufmefs to bait the fcqok for her hufband with variety j and to draw him dajly THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 53 daily to herfelf : that is the whole affair, I would not make myfelf uneafy, Ma'am. Mrs. LOVE. Not uneafy ! when his indifference .does not diminim my regard for him ! Not uneafy, when the man I doat on, no longer fixes his happi- nefs at home ! Mrs. BELL. Ma'am, you'll give me leave to fpeak my mind freely. I have often obferv'd, when the fiend jealoufy is rbus'd, that women lay out a won- derful deal of anxiety and vexation to no account, when perhaps, if the truth were known, they fhou'd be angry with themfelves inftead of their hufbands. Mrs. LOVE,. Angry with myfelf, Madam ! .calumny can lay nothing to my charge, the virtue of my conduct, Madam Mrs. BELL. Look ye there now, I wou'd have laid my life, you wou'd be at that work that's the folly of us all. But virtue is out of the queftion at prefent. I mean the want of addrefs, and proper management ! It is there that moil women fail, virtue alone cannot pleafe the tafte of this age. It is La Belle Nature, Nature embellilhed by the ad- vantages of art, that the men expect now-a-days. Mrs. LOVE. But after being married fo long, and behaving all that time with fuch an equality Mrs. Bit LL. Ay, that equality is the rock fo many fplit upon. The men are now fo immers'd in lu- xury, that they muft have eternal variety in their happinefs. Mrs. LOVE. Shejuftifies him, (ajide.) Mrs. BELL. I'll tell you what j I wou'd venture to Jay a pot of coffee, that the perfon who now rivals you in your hufband's effedion, does it without your good qualities, and even without your beauty, by the mere force of agreeable talents, and afife iduity to pleafe. Mrs, LOVE. I am afraid that compliment Mrs. 54 3* HE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Mrs. BstL. Let me afk you, Ma'am, have you ever feen this formidable perlbn ? Mrs. LOVE. There I own I am puzzled. Mrs. BELL. What fort of a woman, pray ? Mis. LOVE. Formidable indeed ! She was de- fcribed to me as one of charming, and rare accom- pli fhments. Mrs. BEL-L. Never throw up the -cards for all thati Really, Ma'arrn without compliment, you feena to have all the qualities that can difpute your huf- band*s heart with any body'; but the exertion of thofe qualities^ lam afraid, is fupprefs'd. You'll excufe my freedom. You fhou'd counterwork your rival by the very fame apt lite employs. I know a lady now i-n your fituation, and what does fhe do ? She confumes hede4fwith eternal .jealoufy ; where- as, if fhe wou'd but employ .half -the pains {he ufes in teafmg herfelf, to vie with the -creature that has won her hufband from har, *-t vie with her, I fay, in the arts of pleating, rfor it is there a woman's pride fhou'd be piqued, wou ? d fhe do that, take my word for it, victory wou'd declare in her favour, Mrs, LOVE. Do you*siink fo, Ma'am? Mrs. BELL. Think & !^-J am fure of it. Virtue alone, by her own native .char'irvs wau'd do, if men were perfect -, but that is not the cafe, and fmce vice can aflame allurements, why mould not truth and innocence have additional ornaments alfo ? Mrs. LOVE. I find Sir Brilliant told me truth. (afede.) Mrs. BELL.. I have been married, Ma'am, and am alittk in the fecret,^ It is much more difficult to keep a heart than win one After the fatal words *' for better for worfe," .the general way with wives is to relax into indolence, and while they are guilty of no infidelity, they think that is enough : but hey are mi (taken, there is 3. great deal wanting.' v^an addrefs, a manner, a de'lire of pleafmg an agree- 3 able THE WAY TO- KEEP HIM. 55 able contrail in their conduct, of grave and gay ; a favourite poet of mine Prior, has exprefied this very delicately. Above the fix' d and fettled rules Of vice, and virtue, in thefckools, ^he better part Jhould fet before 'em A grace., a manner, a decorum. Mrs. LOVE. But when the natural temper - Mrs. BELL. The natural temper muft be forc'd, home rauft be made a place of pleafure to the hui- band, and the wife muft throw infinite variety into her manner; in fhort, fhe muft, as it were, mul- tiply herfelf, and appear to him fundry different wo- rnen on different occafions. And this, I take to be the whole myftery ; the way to keep a man, But I run on at a ftrange rate Well, to be fure, I'm the gjddieft creature. Ma'am, will you now give me leave to enquire, how I c.ame to have this favour? Who recommended me to your notice ? And pray who was fo kind as to intimate that I was acquainted with Mr. Lovemore ? Mrs. LOVE. I beg your pardon for all the trouble I have given you, and I affure you, 'tis entirely owing to my being told that- his vifits were frequent here. Mrs. BELL. His vifits frequent here! My lady Conftant could not fay that Mrs. LOVE. No Ma'am; quite the reverfe; (lie affured me you would make me eafy on that head Mrs. BELL. Then I find fcandal has been buz- zing about ; but, I aflure you, I do not know the gentleman. -Oh ! lud, I hear a rap at the door, Jpofitively won't be at home. (Rings a bell.} Enter MIGNIONET. MIQN, t)id you call, Madam ? Mrs, BELL. I am not at home. MIC. 5 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. MIC. 'Tis lord Etheridge, Ma'am, he's com- ing up flairs, the fervants told him you were within. Mrs. BELL. Was ever any thing focrofs? Tell him there is company with me, and he won't come in. Mignionet, run to him. Mrs. LOVE. Ma'am, I beg I mayn't hinder you. Mrs. BELL. Our converfation begins to? grow in- terefting, and I wou'd not have you go for the world. I won't fee my lord. Mrs. LOVE. I beg you will, don't let me pre- vent, I'll ftep into another room. Mrs. BELL. Will you be fo kind ? There is a ftudy of books in that room, if you will be fo ob- liging as to amufe yourfelf there, I mall be glad to refume this converfation again. He fhan't flay long. Mrs. LOVE. I beg you will be in no hurry, I can wait with pleafure. Mrs. BELL. This is a lover of mine , and a huf- band and a lover fhou'd be treated in the fame man- ner - 9 perhaps it will -divert you to hear how I ma- nage him. I hear him on the flairs, for heaven's fake, make hafle. Mignionet, mew the way. MIG. This way, Madam, this way* (Exeunt Mrs. Love, and Mignionet.) Mrs. BELL. Let me fee how I look to receive him. (Runs to her glafs,) Enter LOVEMORE, with a Star and Ribband as Lord ETHERIDGE. Mrs. BELL. (Looking in her glafs.) Lord Ethe- ridge ! Walk in, my Lord. LOVE. (Repeats ) A beav'nly image in the glafs appears, Vo that Jhe bends, to that her eyesjhe rears. Repairs herfaiks. -. Mrs, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. tf Mrs. BELL. Repairs her fmiles, my Lord ! I don't like your application of that phrafe Pray, my Lord, are my imiles out of repair, like an old houfe in the country, that wants a tenant ? LOVE. Nay now, that's wrefling the words from their vifible intention. You can't fuppofe I thought you want repair, whatever may be the cafe, Ma'am, with regard to the want of a tenant. Mrs. BELL. And fo you think I really want a tenant ! And perhaps you imagine too, that I am going to put up a bill, (Looking in her glafs) to fig- nify to all paffers-by, that here is a manfion to be lett. Well, I fwear, I don't think it wou'd be a bad fcheme. I have a great mind to do fo. LOVE. And he who has the preference Mrs. BELL. Will be very happy, I know you mean fo. But I'll lett it to none but a fmgle gentle- man, that you may depend upon. LOVE. What the devil does fhe mean by that ? She has not got an inkling of the affair, I hope. (Afide.} None elfe could prefume, Madam, to Mrs. BELL. And then it muft be a leafe for life, But nobody will be troubled with it I mall ne- ver get it off my hands. Do you think I mall, my Lord ? LOVE. Why that queftion, Madam ? You know I am devoted to you, even if it were to be bought with life. Mrs. BELL. Heav'ns what a dying fwain you are ! And does your lordfhip really intend to be guilry of matrimony ? Lord! v/hat a queftion have I afked ? Well, to be fure, I am a very mad-c.ip ! My Lord, don't you think me a ftrange mad-cap ? LOVE. A wildnefs like yours, that arifes from vi- vacity and, fentiment together, ferves only to exalt your beauty, and give new poignancy to every charm. Mrs. BELL. Well, upon my word you have faid it finely ! But you are in the right, my Lord. I I hate 5 8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. hate your penfive, melancholy beauty, that fits like a well-grown vegetable in a room for an hour to- gether, 'till at laft me is animated to the violent ex- ertion of faying yes or no, and then enters into a matter-of-fact converfation, " Have you heard the news ? Mils Beverly is going to be married to cap- tain Shoulderknot. My lord Mortgage has had an other tumble at Arthur's. Sir William Squander- itock has loft his election. They fay, fhort aprons are coming into falhion again." LOVE. Oh lard! a matter-of-fact converfation is infupportable. Mrs. BELL. Pray, my Lord, have you ever ob- ferved the manner of one lady's accofting another at Kanelagh ? She comes up to you with a demure look of infipid ferenity, makes you a fokmn falute - " Ma'am, I am overjoyed to meet you, you look charmingly. But, dear Madam, did you hear what happened to us all the other night ? We were going home from the opera, Ma'am ; you know my aunt Roly-Poly, it was her coach, there was flie, and lady Betty Fidget, Your moft obedient fervant, Ma'am, (Cwtfeying to another^ as it e jvei-e going by) lady Betty, you know, is recovered every body thought it over with her, but docter Snakeroot was called in, no not doctor Snakeroot, Doctor Bolus it was, and fa he altered the courfe of the medicines, and fo my lady Betty recovered ! well, there was fhe and Sir George Bragwell, a pretty man Sir George, fineft teeth in: the world. Yowr ladyfnip's molt obedient. We expected you laft night, but you did not come, he ! he ! And fo there was he and the reft of us, and fo turning the corner of Bond-ftreet, the villain of a coachman How do you do, Madam ? The villain of a coachman overturned us all -, nay aunt Roly-Poly was frightened out of her wits THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 59 vrits, and lady Betty has been nervifh ever fmce : Only think of that, fuc-h accidents in life. Ma'am, your moft obedient, I am proud to fee you look fo well." LOVE. An exacl: defcriptiori, the very thing ha! ha! Mrs. BELL. And then from this converfation they all run to cards, " Quadrille has murdered wit." LOVE. Ay, and beauty too-, for upon thefe oc- cafions, " the paflions in the features are ." 1 have feen many a beautiful countenance change in a mo- ment into abiblute deformity , the little loves and graces that before fparkled in the eye, bloom'd in the cheek, and fmil'd about the mouth, all fly off in an inftant, and refign the features which they be- fore adorn'd, to fear, to anger, to grief, and the whole train of fretful paflions. Mrs. BELL. Ay, and the rage we poor women are often betrayed into on thefe occafions LOVE. Very true, Ma'am; and if by chance, they do bridle and hold in a little, the ftruggle they undergo is the moft ridiculous fight imaginable. I have feen an oath quivering upon the pale Hp of a reigni"g toaft, for half an hour together -, yes, and I have feen an uplifted eye blafpheming Providence for the lols of an odd trick , and then at laft, when the whole room burft out into one loud univerfal uproar, " My Lord, you flung away the game No, Ma'am, it was you. Sir George, why did not you rough the diamond ? Capt. Hazard, why did not you lead through the honour ? Ma'am, it was not the play. Pardon me, Sir, But Ma'am, But Sir, I would not play with you for ftraws. Don't you know what Hoyle fays ? If A and B are partners againft C and D, and the game nine-all, A and B have won three tricks, and C and D four tricks 5 C leads his fuit, D put up the king, then returns the fuit, A pafies, C puts up the queen,, B I 2 roughs 60 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. roughs the next :" and fo A and B, and C and D are bang'd about , and all is jargon, confnfion, up- roar, and wrangling, and nonfenfe, and noife. Ha! ha! Mrs. BELL. Ha! ha! A fine pi&ure of a rout; but one muft play fometimes we muft let our friends pick our pockets fometimes, or they'll drop our acquaintance. Pray, my Lord, do you never play ? LOVE. Play, Ma'a.n ! I muft lie to the end of the chapter, (Afide.) play! now and then out of neceflity ! other-wife, I never touch a card. Mrs. BELL. Oh! very true, you dedicate your time to the mules ; a downright rhyming Peer. Do you know, my Lord, that I am charrh'd with your fong ? LOVE. Are you ? Mrs. BELL. I am indeed; I think you'd make a very tolerable Vauxhall poet. LOVE. You flatter me, Ma'am. Mrs BELL. No, as I live and breathe, I don't; and do you know that I can fmg it already ? Come, you fhall hear me, you mail hear ir. (&'^ Attend, ally? fair, and. I'll tell ye the art To bind every fancy with eafe in your chains, ho Id in f oft fetters the conjugal heart. And banijh from Hymen his doubts and his painf? When Juno accepted the ceftus of leve, At fir ft foe Enter Mrs. B E L L M O U R. Sir BRIL. My dear Mrs. Bellmour. Mrs. BELL. Heavens ! What brings you here ? Sir BRIL. I congratulate with myfelf upon the felicity of meeting you thus at home. Mrs. BELL. Your vifit is unieafonable, you muft be gone. SIR BRIL. Madam, I have a thoufand things. - Mrs. BELL. Well, well, another time. Sir BRIL. Of the tendereft import. Mrs. BELL. 1 can't hear you now ; fly this mo- ment : 1 have a lady taken ill in the next room. Sir BRIL. Ay, and you have had a gentleman taken ill here too. Mrs. BELL. Do you difpute my will and pleafure v fly this inftant, (turns him out.} So I'll make fure of the door. Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE, leaning on MIG- NIONET. MIGN. This way, Madam, here's more air in this room. Mrs. BELL. How do you find yourfelf, Ma'am? Pray fit down. \ Mrs, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 6 5 Mrs. LOVE. My fpirits were too weak to bear up any longer, againit fuch a fcene of villainy. Mrs. BELL. Villainy ! What villainy! Mrs. LOVE. Of the blacked dye ! I fee, Ma- dam, you are acquainted with my hulband. Mrs. BELL. Acquainted with your hufband ! (an- grily.) Mrs. LOVE. A moment's patience, That gentle- man that was here with you is my hufband. Mrs. BELL. Lord Etheridge your hufband! Mrs. LOVE. Lord Etheridge, as he calls himfelf, and as you have been made to eall him alfo, is no other than Mr. Lovemore. Mrs* BELL. And has he then been bafe enough to afiume that title, to' enfnare me to my undoing ? MIGN. Well, for certain, I believe the devil's in me ; I always thought him a fly one. Mrs. LOVE. To fee my hufband carrying on this dark bufinefs. to fee the man I have loved, the man 1 have efteemed, the man, I am afraid, I muft ilill love, tho' efteem him again I cannot, to be a witnefs to his complicated wickednefs, it was too much for fenfibility like mine, Ifek, the mock too feverely, and funk under it. Mrs. BELL. I am ready to do the fame myfelf noWi I fink into the very ground with amazement. The firft time I ever faw him was at old Mrs. Love- it's, me introduc'd him to me - the appointment was of her own making. Mrs. LOVE. You know her character, I fuppofe, Madam. Mrs. BELL. She's a woman of fafhion, and fees a great deal of good company. Mrs. LOVE. Very capable of fuch an action for all that. Mrs. BELL. Well, I cou'd never have imagin'd that any woman wou'd be fo bafe as to pafs fuch a cheat upon me. Step this moment, and give orders K never 66 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. never to let him within my doors again. (To her maid, who gees out.} I am much oblig'd to you, Ma'am, for this vifit. To me it is highly fortunate, but I am forry for your ihare in't, as the difcovery brings you nothing but a conviction of your hufband's bafehefs. Mrs. LOVE. I'm determin'd to be no farther un- eafy about him, nor will I live a day longer under his roof. Mrs. BELL. Hold, hold, make no violent refc- lutions. You'll excufe me I can't help feeling for you, and I think this incident may be ftill converted to your advantage. Mrs. LOVE. That can never be, I am loft be- yond redemption. Mrs. BELL. Don't decide that too rafhly Come, come, a man is worth thinking a little about, before one throws the hideous thing away for ever. Be- fides, you have heard his fentiments. Perhaps yen are a lictle to blame yourfelf. We will talk this mat- ter over coolly. Ma'am, you have fav'd me, and I mufl now difcharge the obligation. You mall flay and drink tea with me. Mrs. LOVE. I can't poflibly do that, I won't give you fo much trouble. Mrs. BELL. It will be a pleafure, Ma'am, you fhall flay with me, I will not part with you, and I will lay fuch a plan, as may enfure him yours for ever. Come, come, my dear, Madam, don't you ftill think he has fome good qualities to apologize for his vices ? Mrs. LOVE. I muft own, I ftill hope he has. Mrs. BELL. Very well then, and he may ftill make atonement for all ; and let me tell you, that a man who can make proper atonement for his faults mould not be entirely deipis'd Allons ! [Exeunt. End of tbe third Aft. ACT THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ACT IV. SCENE, at the Widow BELLMOUR's. Enter WILLIAM and MIGNIONET. WILLIAM. BUT I tell you, Mrs Mignionet MIGN. But I tell you, Mr. Brazen, he is not here There is no body at home ; fo rid the houfe, do -, you have no bufmefs here. WIL. Nay, don't be in a paflion ; did not you . hear my Lord give me his orders to come for him ? MIGN. Well, it does not fignify; he has been gone this good while ; a fine Lord truly! - WIL. So he is indeed, Mrs. Mignionet; and very ungrateful you have both been, you and your Lady, to behave in this manner to perfons of our dignity. MIGN. Very well ; may be fo , but decamp with your dignity, do , follow my Lord, march. WIL. Ay ! I am going; adieu, Mrs. Mignionet, adieu ! Don't you cry ; - don't let me fee your tears I have not fo much flint about my heart as I thought Upon my foul I pity thee ; I do indeed, Child MIGN. Well ! No more of your nonfenfe, but turn upon your rogue's heel, and rid the houfe. WIL. We intended very handfomely by you both ; we did, I afTure you ; if we had liked ye upon trial ; I do in my confcience believe we mould have taken ye both into keeping. MIGN. Don't be vulgar, Mr. Impertinent. K 2 WIL. 98 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. WIL. It is my real opinion we fhould have done it our uiual way indeed is, if we fee a woman we like, " a fine creature that ! fhape, very well ! " air, good ! an eye too ! upon my foul, a deli- *' cate, melting, fleepy eye !" Oh ! darts and flames ; we are all on fire 5 " Have fome com- ** paflion, thou angel of thy fex, upon a poor dying " fwain that long has What would the man be at ? " You don't mean to be rude, Sir ? no Ma- " dam , not in the leaft tout au contraire" So up go the heels of her virtue in an inftant -, we revel in delight, furfeir on joys, and then come to our- felves again, make a grave bow, " Ma'am, your " moft obedient," fo cock our hats, hum a tune, walk off with an air, and drop her acquaintance \ that's our uiual way MIGN., Hold your loofc, profligate, impudent tongue WIL. That's our ufual way but with you, for really we bad iome regard for you, with you I be- lieve we mould have proceeded in a different man- nerit's my opinion, we fhould have let you have a honey-moon out of us at leaft MIGN. Don't provoke me, you impudent block- head i don't WIL. It begins to work with her (a/ide.} You would have been both very happy, Mrs. Mignionet, I can tell you that an agreeable man, my Lord greatly admired in foreign parts MIGN. Admired! I wifh I dare tell him all I know. (Afide.) WIL. And as forme mind that figure not well built to be fure ! ha ! -ha ! you would have been won- derfully happy your miftrefs would have been lady Etheridge for the time being; and you MIGN. Hold your tongue, or I'll tear your eyes out, I will WIL, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 69 WIL. You fhould have been Madam Uleful, the fuppofed wife of William Ufeful, gentleman of the bed-chamber to the laid lord Etheridge MICN. Unmannerly coxcomb ! I could leave the print of my ten nails upon your rogue's face, I could (Runs at him.) WIL. Moderate your anger, my dear, moderate your anger (holding her. ) MIGN. You impudent blockhead ! WIL. Softly MIGN. You unhang'd villain ! WIL. Don't be furious all this good we intended ye both ; it would not indeed have lafted for ever ; the reign of your beauty would in time decline ; then we mould be for calmly taking our leave, and you, on your parts, would have tuned your miferable pipes " Will you ferve two poor tender-hearted women in " this manner ? ye crocodiles of the Nile, ye lions " of the foreft, ye Ruffian bears, ye monfters of the '* defert. (pretending to cry.) MIGIV. I'll tear you piece-meal, you villain, I will. WIL. Don't break the peace, woman (holds her.) MIGN. I could cry my eyes out for vexation you impertinent jackanapes, to go for to talk to me in this manner (crying.} WIL. Ay, now the mower comes ; let it wafh her face ; well, your fervant, my dear adieu ! MIGN. Yes, go your ways, do WIL. (going^ returns.} You'll never fee us any more. MIGN. So much the better. WIL. (returning.) We mail never vifit you again. MIGN. Who defires your vifits ? WIL. Not even if you fend for us. MIGN. Very well! a good riddance \ViL. Fare ye well ! you now fee the laft of me; and 7o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. and harkye; don't break your heart; adieu! don't let me find you hanging in the garret, dang- ling by an old wafli'd ribbon do nothing ramly time will cure your forrow adieu. (Exit finging.} MIGN. Ay, go thy ways for a vile, abandoned they mail foon be expofed all over the town, that's what they mail ; a couple of falle, perfidious, vile wretches. (Exit.} SCENE, Sir BASHFUL CONSTANT'S. Enter Lady CONSTANT and FURNISH. Lady CON. Is the fervant waiting ? FUR. He is, Ma'am. Lady CON. Very well; I need not write; give my fervice to Mrs. Lovemore, and I mall wait upon her. PUR. I mall, Madam, (going} Lady CON. But, Furnim ; have the things been carried home to Sir Brilliant Fafliion, as I ordered ? FUR. They have, Madam. Lady CON. Who went with them ? FUR. Your Ladymip's fteward ; he is a trufty body, and can be depended upon ! Lady CON. Very well ! Step and fend Mrs. Love- more word, I mail wait upon her. (Exit Furnim.; Lady CONSTANT, alone. Thofe diamond buckles muft certainly have been fent to me by Sir Brilliant Fafliion ! he has already had the confidence to make dimonourable overtures to me, and feeing what a hard card I have to play with my hufband, he thinks, I fuppole, to bribe me to my ruin. Let me fee the letter 1 received with them, (reads) " Aue-pt this prefent from one that *? adores ycu y and^ whenever be fees you inclined to 5' make a return to his affeftion, ivill declare himfetf "farther THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 71 "farther to you." It muft be Sir Brilliant; no one elfe would prefume fo far ; however, I have treated him with the difdain he merits. But Mrs. Love- more's card what can be the meaning of it ? (reads) " begs the favour of her Lady/hip's company to cards " this evening." Cards at Mrs. Lovemore's ! there is fomething new in that (reads] " a particular af- " fair requires Mrs. Lovemore's friends to be pre- " fent." There is fome myftery in all this what can it be ? Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Here me is , now let me fee whether the prefent I have conveyed to her has put her into a better temper. Your fervant, Madam. Lady CON. Your fervant, Sir. Sir BASH. You feem out of humour, I think, Ma- dam. . Lady CON. And, confidering that you never give me caufe That is very ftrange, is it not ? Sir BASH. My lady Conflant, if you did not give me caufe Lady CON. For heaven's fake, Sir, let us have no more difagreeable altercation I am tired of your vic- lence of temper, your frequent ftarts of pafllon - 3 your unaccountable fancies. Sir BASH. Fancies, Madam ! do I only fancy that you are for ever making exorbitant demands upon me for the various articles of your expence ? and when you are conftantly teazing me for diamonds, and I know not what , is that a fancy that I take into my head without foundation ? Lady CON. Pray, Sir, let us not difpute I pro- mife never to trouble you on that head again Sir BASH. She is refolved, I fee, not to own that {he has received them Stubborn, ftubborn to the laft, (Jfide.) 5 Lad y 7 2 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Lady CON. To be plain with you, Sir, I cannot any longer fubmit to be tormented with your hu- mours I have wrote to my follicitor to attend us here to-morrow morning with the articles of fepa- ration, and I prefume, Sir, you will have no objection to their being finally executed. I have no time to iquander now in frivolous difputes I muil prepare to go out and pay a viiit your fervant, Sir (Exit.} Sir BASH. 1 mult unburthen myfelf at lait mult difclofe the fecrets of my heart ; me has poflefled my very foul ; is ever prefent to my imagination ; mingles with all my thoughts, inflames my tender- eft pafllons, and raifes fuch a conflict here (Strik- ing his breffft.) 1 cannot any longer keep this fire pent-up , I'll go, and throw myfelf open to her this moment But then that chatter-box of a maid will be with her I can turn her out of the room but then fhe'll fufpedt fomething more, than common fuppofe I fend to know whether me is alone I- Who's there? Any body in the way ? Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir BASH. Step and fee if any body is in the room ? What do you ftand ftock-ftill for ? Why don't you go ? SIDE. What room does you honour mean ? Sir BASH. Can't you hear when you are fpoken to ? Go and fee if any body is in your lady's room ? SIDE. Now I underftand you, Sir what new- whim has he taken into his head ? {Going.) Sir BASH. And hark'e, befureyou No, no- It's no matter , it does not fignify you need not go at all. SIDE. As you pleafe, Sir (Exit.) Sir BASH, (/ilone.) Shall I venture or not? That babbling minx of a maid, I can get rid off But then, fome of her vifitors will be breaking in upon us what can I do ? My friend Lovemore, what THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 73 what keeps him away fo long! I can't rifk the ex- planation myfelf and yet no I had better drop it altogether a thought comes acrofs me that's right that will do Ay, ay 'tis even fo I fhould never be able to go thro' it, The glance of her eye, the warmth of my own defires, my remorfe, my confufion No, no, it lhall be the other way- Sid -board, why don't you anfwer when I call ? Enter SIDEBOARD. SIDE. I came the very inftant I heard you, Sir. < Sir BASH. 'Don't Hand talking-, draw that table Over this way A letter will do the bufmefs reach a chair You blockhead,' why don't you reach a chair ? SIDE. There, your Honour Sir BASH. Do you flay while I write a letter You mail carry it for me (Sits down and writes.) SIDE. Yes, Sir I hope he has got fome intrigue upon his hands ; a fervant always thrives under a mafter that has his private amuiements Love on, fay I, if you are fo given ; it will all bring grift to my mill (A'. .-.) Sir BASH. f juriiing.) Soft, pafiionate, and ten- der fo far ar.d yet it does not come up to what I fcel it is a hard thing, in exceffive love like mine, to fpeak as delicately as' we think to the perfon we love (4fide.) SIDE. Let me fee if there is any news in the pa- per to-day (-Takes a paper out of bis pocket and reads) Oh ! Lord ! Oh ! Lord ! I can't help laughing ha! ha! Sir BASH, (flares at him.} What does that rafcal mean ? He does not fufpect me, does he ? (Stares at him, then rrfes.) Hark'e Sirrah ! If ever I find that you dare liften at any door in my houfe, I'll cut your ears off, I will. SIDE. Sir ! JL Sir 74 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. Confefs the truth j Have not you been liftening to rny converfation ? SIDE. Who I, Sir? not I, Sir ; I never did the like in my born days. Sir BASH. What was you laughing at, Rafcal ? SIDE. An article in the news-paper-, that's all Sir I'll read it to your Honour (Reads.} We hear that a new comedy will fpeedily be acted, call'd *' tfhe Amorous Hufoand^ or the Man in Love with his own Wife" Sir BASH. Well, and what do you fee to la^agh at there ? SIDE. Lord blcfs me, Sir ! I have lived in a great many families,' and I never heard of the like before _Ha ! ha ! Sir BASH. Look'e there now !-^-Sirrah ! leave the room and let me never find that you have the trick of Inlening at any of my doors. SIDE. No, Sir To be fure, your Honour what is he at now ? (Exit.} Sir BASH, (done.} Wounds ! I mail be laught at by my own fervants ! But no more fcruples, pafs that by I'll finifh my letter. But then, if I fhould get into a comedy for my pains ! No, no ; I'll run away into the country with her, to avoid the' farcafms of the malicious world. It mail be fo, and fo I'll e'en conclude There, there I'll feal it up direftly. Sideboard, Sideboard. Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir" BASH. (Sealing the letter} I have open'd my whole heart to her- why does not this fellow come ? Sideboard ! SIDE. Here am I, Sir? Sir BASH. What do you take your hat and flick for? SIDE. To go out with your Honour's letter. Sir BASH. You have not far to go take it and bring THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 75 bring me an anfwer and do you hear ? Take care that nobody fees you - SIDE. I warrant you, Sir. (Exit.} Sir BASH. I feel as if a load was off my breaft ; and yet I fear, but I am embarked, and fo muft wait the event. Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir BASH. Return'd already, Sideboard ? what, is me not at home ? SIDE. I can't fay, Sir; a word or two by way of direction will not be amifs - Sir BASH. Blockhead! have not I directed it? (Takes the Letter.} SIDE, I could never have fufpcdted him of an in- Sir BASH. There again now ! If I direct it, this hound will be upon the trail of a fecret - (Afide ) - You may go about your bufmefs. Sideboard, I don't want you - SIDE. Very well, Sir; - If he does not let me manage his intrigues for him I fliall give him warn- ing^ (Exit.} Sir BASH. What muft be done ? Lovemore fliall do it Ha ! - Sideboard coming again ! - No ; it is not he - Ha ! Mr. Lovemore I am glad to fee you - Enter LOVEMORE. LOVE. You fee me here this fecond time to-day, entirely on the fcore of friendfhip. - Sir BASH. I thank you, Mr Lovemore, heartily thank you -- LOVE. Well, and how does my lady ? Sir BASH. We don't hit it at all, Mr. Lovemore LOVE. No! Sir BASH. I think me has been rather worfe fince you fpoke to her. L 2 LOVE. ?,6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM, LOVE. A good iymptom that ! UJfide.) Sir BASH. Not a word of the buckles, tlio' flie has received them- obftinate as a mule! She Hill talks of parting and fo, to prevent extremities, I have even thought of explaining myfelf to her : LOVE. What acquaint her with your puffipn ! Sir BACH. Ay ! and truft to her honour. I have wrote her a letter here it is figned and fealed but then it is not directed I got into a puzzle about that -, my fervam, you know, would wonder at my writing to her. ' LOVE. So he would. Sir BASH. Yes, he would have fmoak'd me ; but yoq are come moft opportune ; you mall direct, and fend it to her. LOVE. I'll take it home with me, aad fend it from my houfe to-morrow morning Sir BASH. No, no ;, now directly, now. LOVE. You had better let me go and fpeak to her, and don't give any thing under your hand. Sir BASH. That won't do , Ihe'll fend a verbal anfwer ; now in this way, if I can draw a letter from her, I mall have her bound down; it muft be fo LOVE. Better take a little time to confider of it Sir BASH. No, no ; I can't defer it one moment ; Not one moment it burns like a fire here you muft be my friend fit down j fit down and direct it. : Enter SIDEBOARD. SIDE Sir Brilliant Fafhion, Sir, is below. LOVE. 'Sdeath he muft not come up ; run to him, talk to him, amuie him, any thing rather than let him interrupt us. 4 Sir BASH. No ; he fhan't come up. LOVE. You lofe time, away ; and don't let him know THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. r/ know that I am here fly, Sir Balhful, Ry-~(Sbcvfs him cut.] IOVE. (alone.) A lucky accident this! I have gained time by it. Matters were in a fine train, and he himielf levelling the road for me, and now, if this takes, I am blown up in the air at once- Some unlucky planet rules to-day -, firft the widow Bell- mour, and now this will-o'the-wifp ! what in the name of wonder has he wrote ? (Going to cp-.n the Letter.} But will that be delicate ? will that be like a gentleman ? will it be honourable r Honour has always a great deal to preach on thefe occafions But then muft I loie the dear delight Oh ! the paliions need fay but a word, and their bufmefs is done. Friendfhip and wafer by your leave (breaks it open axd reads.} this muft not be I'll write ano- ther letter from myfelf (Sits down to write.} What the devil (hall I fay ? Any thing will do (Writes and ft arts up as if frightened] There is no body coming (writes and mutters to hiwfJf.) Touched my heart- -Hem ! very well Long adored, very well ! Kind return, very well ! 'Hujbavd very well ! Inhumanity, Hem! Tendcrncfs, Hem ! Yourjfo- cereft admirer very well! Lovemore what have I wro te ? let me fee (Reads Jajt.} "Why fbould I *' conceal, my dear Madam, that your charms have touched my heart ? I long have loved you , long adored. Lould I but/latter myfelf with the haft kind return, I fbould be the happieft of mankind* let me perfuade you to the fwsetejt revenge agairft a hufland, whofe inhumanity is beyond enduring. Every motive prompts you to it ; and at the fame time you will enjoy the fecret pleafure cf rewarding* the tendernefs cf your Jmcereft admirer, LOVEMOR.E.'' This will do ! let me feal it Soft! I muft add a poftfcript (writes, and then reads very fa/I.) ;8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. ' Tou need fend no other anf&er but ifs veryxd! * ** and you II confide? of it" There, there, make hafte, let me feal it up. (Seals it in a hurry] Enter SIR BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Well ! have you fent it ? LOVE. Your fervant has not been here, and I am juft writing the direction Sir BASH. Who waits there ? Sideboard ! I have god rid of Sir Brilliant, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I am glad of it. Enter SIDEBOARD. Sir BASH. Here, Sirrah ! Mr. Lovemore, wants you. LOVE. Mafier Sideboard, you muft ftep to your lady with this. Sir BASH. Charming! charming! Take it up flairs dire&ly. SIDE. Lip-Hairs, Sir ! My lady is in the next room. Sir BASH. Take it to her then ; make hafte ; begone (Exit Sideboard.} I hope this will fucceed, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I hope it will. Sir BASH. I mall for ever be obliged to you, and fo will my lady. LOVE. I dare fay (he won't prove ungrateful. Sir BASH. I mould like to fee how me receives it , the door is conveniently open ; I'll have a peep (goes on tip-toe] there, there me fits. LOVE. Methinks I mould like toobferve her too. Sir BASH. Hum no noife. She has got it ; I am frightened out of my wits. LOVE. Silence ! not a word. She opens it , Now my dear boy Cupid, incline her heart. (Afide.) Sir BASH. She colours ! LOVE. I like that rifmg blum a tender token that! Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 79 Sir BASH. She turns pale 1 LOVE. The natural working of the pafiions. Sir BASH. And how fhe reddens again! Death and fury ! She tears the letter ! I am undone (Walks away Jr cm the dear.) LOVE. She has flung it from her with indigna- tionI am undone too (Goes irom the door.} Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, you fee what it is all come to ! LOVE. I am forry to fee it come to this indeed. Sir BASH. An arrogant ungrateful woman f LPVE. Ungrateful indeed ! to make fuch a re- turn to fo kind a letter ! Sir BASH. Ay ! fo kind a letter ! LOVE. So full of the tendereft protections ! Sir BASH. Made v/ith the greateft opennefs of heart ! throwing one's-felf at her very feet ; and then to be fpurned, kicked, and treated like a puppy. LOVE. There it flings like a puppy indeed Sir BASH. Did me once fmile ? Was there the fainteft gleam of approbation in her countenance ? LOVE. Prepaid it all with contempt, with fcorn, and indignation. Sir BASH. I cannot bear It ; My dear Mr. Love- more, do you know in nature a thing fo mortifying, fo galling to the pride of man, as to find himfelf rejected and deipi&d where he has offered up his heart ? LOVE. Oh I 'Tis the damndeft thing in the world- a fine fcrape I have got into here (4Jide.} Sir BASH. Mr. Lovemore, I am heartily obliged td you, for taking this matter fo much to heart. LOVE. I take k more to heart, than you arc aware of, I afTure you. Sir BASH. You are kind indeed ; I am for ever obliged to you This is enough to make a man a- fhslmed all the reft of his life Enter 8o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Enter SIR BRILLIANT. . SirBafhful! SirBailiful! I forgot to tell you Hey ! Lovemore here ! Sir BASH. What brings him here again ? thofe blockheads of fcryants to let him \n (Afids.) Sir BRIL. I have a crow to pluck with you, Love- more. LOVE. Well ! well ! another time. He hunts me up and down, as the vice did the devil, with a dagger of lath in the old comedy (/Ifine.} Sir BRIL. Upon my foul, you both look very queer upon it j Lovemore is borrowing money of you, I fuppofe, Sir Bafhful and you can't agree about the premium. Come, come, let him have it he is a very honeft fellow Stili out of humour ! Well ! as you will You have not the fame rea- fon to be in harmony with yourieives, that I have. Here, here ; I came back on purpofe to tell you. See here, my boys, what a prelent has been made me j (Takes afoagreen cafe cut of bis pocket. } a mag- nificent pair of diamond buckles, by Jupiter ! Sir BASH. A pair of diamond buckles ! Sir BRIL. A pair of diamond buckles, Sir ! How fuch a thing mould be fent to' me I can't conceive y they were left at my houie by a country-looking fellow -, he would not fay where he came from, but he left them in charge to be delivered to me. The confequence of having iome tolerable phrafe, a perfon and being attentive to the fer- vice of the ladies. Sir BASH. And this was fent as aprefent to you? Sir BRIL. Ay ; as a prefent , do you envy me ? Sir BASH. I can't but fay I do My buckles, Lovemore, by all that's falie in woman, (dfide.) LOVE. He is the happy man, I fee Afide.} Sir BRIL. Both burning with envy, b) Jupiter ! Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 2t Sir BASH. But may not this be from a lady, who imagines you fent them to her, and ib chutes to re- ject your prefcnt ? Sir BRIL. No, no; No fuch thing Ha! ha! Ladies do not rejedt prefents, my dear Sir Bafh- ful, from men who are agreeable in their eyes. Sir BASK. So I believe j what a jade it is ! Sir BRIL. Had I fent them, they would never have been returned.. Sir BASH. And pray now, Sir Brilliant, I fuppofe you expect to have this lady ? Sir BRIL. This is the fore-runner of iti I think-i- Ha ! ha ! Sir Bafliful Lovemore ! this it is to be in luck. Ha ! ha ! (laugbs at thsm both.) Sir BRIL. I fwear ye are both ftrangely picqued Lovemore, you feem uneaiy. LOVE. You wrong me, Sir I I I am not urt- eafy. Sir BA Mrs. BeUmour Mrs. BELL. And fo true too ! what was beauti- ful before, is now heightened by the additional or- naments of drefs ; and if you will but animate and infpire the whole by thofe graces of the mind which I am fure you pofTefs, the imprefiion cannot fail of being effectual upon all beholders, and even upon the depraved mind of Mr. Lovemore. You have not feen him fince have you ? Mrs. LOVE. No, not a glimpfe of him. Mrs. BELL. I hope he has no other haunts If he does but come home time enough, depend upon it my plot will take. Well, and have you got toge- ther a good deal of company ? Mrs. LOVE. Pretty well. Mrs. BELL. That's right, {hew him that you will confult your own pleafure, Is Sir Brilliant of the party ? Mrs. LOVE. A-propos, as foon as I came home I received a letter from him ; my maid had taken it in. He there prefies his addrefleS with great warmth * begs to fee me again, and has fomething particular to tell me, you fhall fee it. Oh ! lud, I have noc it about me, I left it in my drefimg-room, I be- lieve -, you mall fee it by and by, I took your advice, and lent him word he might come j that lure brought him hither immediately, he makes no doubt of his fuccefs with me. Mrs. BELL, Well ! two fuch friends as Sir Bril- liant and Mr. Lovemore, I believe, never exifted ! Mrs. LOVE. Their fal (hood to each other is un- paralleled. I left Sir Brilliant at the whift- table, as jfoon as the rubber's out, he'll certainly quit his com-' 7 8 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. pany in purfuit of me. Apropos My Lady Con- ilant is here Mrs. BELL. Is fhe ! Mrs. LOVE. She is, and has been making the llrangeft difcovery Mr. Lovemore has had a defign there too ! Mrs. BELL. Is it poffible ? Mrs. LOVE. Certainly ib there is fufficiem proof you m.uft know, Ma'am, (a rat> at the door.) as I live and breathe, I believe this is Mr. Lovemore. Mrs. BELL. If it is, every thing goes on Avim- mingly within. . Mrs. LOVE. I hear his voice, it is he. How my heart beats ! Mrs. BELL. Courage,- and the day's our own. Where muft I run ? Mrs. LOVE. In there, Ma'am. Make hafte, I hear his ftep on the flair-head. Mrs. BELL. Succefs attend you, I am gone. (Exit.) Mrs. LOVE, (done.) I am frightenM out of my fenfes, what the event may be I fear to think but I muft go thro' with it. Enter LOVEMORE. Mrs. LOVE. Mr. Lovemore, you're welcome home. LOVE. Mrs. Lovemore, your fervant. (Without looking at her}. Mrs. LOVE. It's fomewhat rare to fee you at home fo early. LOVE. I faid I wou'd come home, did not I ? I always like to be as good as my .word. What cou'd Hie mean by this uiage ? to make an appoint- ment, and break it thus abruptly ! (Afuis. ) Mrs. LOVE. He feems to mufe upon it. (Af.de.) LOVE. I can't tell what to make of it, ihe does not mean to do ib infamous a thing as to iilt me. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 89 (Afide.) Oh, Lord ! I am wonderfully tir'd. (Tavws y and finks into an arrtfd chair, ,) Mrs. LOVE. You an't indifpofed, I hope, my dear. LOVE. No, my dear, I thank you, I am very well -, a little fatigu'd only, with jolting over the Hones all the way from the city. I drank coffee with the old banker, I have been there ever fince I went out this afternoon Confoundedly tir'd. Where's William ? Mrs. LOVE. Do you want any thing-? LOVE. Only my cap and flippers. I am not in fpirits, I think. (Towns.) Mrs. LOVE. You never are in fpirits at home, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. I beg your pardon, I never am any where more chearful, (Stretching bis arms ) I wim I may die, if I an't very happy at home, very (yawns} very happy ! Mrs. LOVE. I can hear otherwife. I'm inform'd that Mr. Lovemore is the infpirer of mirth and good humour wherever he goes. LOVE. Oh! you over- rate me; upon my foul you do. Mrs. LOVE. I can hear, Sir, that no perfon's company is fo acceptable to the ladies , that 'tis your wit that infpirits every thing, that you have your compliment for one, your fmile for another, awhif- per for a third, arid fo on, Sir, you divide your favours, and are every where, but at home, all whim, vivacity, and fpirit. LOVE. No, no, (laughing.) how can you talk fo ? I fwear, I can't help laughing at the fancy. I all whim, vivacity, and fpirit ! I (ball burft my fides. How can you banter one fo ? I divide my favours too ! Oh, heavens ! I can't (land this rail- lery, fuch a defcription of me ! I that am rather fauirnine, of a ferious caft, and inclin'd to be pen- N five ! 9 o THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. five ! I can't help laughing at the oddity of the con- ceit. Oh Lord ! Oh Lord ! (Laughs.} Mrs. LOVE. Juft as you pleafe, Sir. I fee that I am ever to be treated with indifference. (Walks vcrofs the ft age.} LOVE, (rifes and walks the contrary way.} I can't put this widow Bellmour out of my head. (AJide.} Mrs. LOVE. If I had done any thing to provoke this ufage, this cold, infolent contempt (walking.} LOVE. I (hall never be at reft till I know the bot- tom of it I wiih I had done with that bufinefs in- tirely ; but my defires are kindled, and muft be fa- tisfy'd (/Ifide.) (They walk for fome time filently by each ether.} Mrs. LOVE. What part of my conduct gives you offence, Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. Still harping upon that ungrateful firing ! but prithee don't fet me a laughing again. Of- fence! nothing gives me offence, Child! you know I am very fond (yawns and walks} I like you of all things, and think you a moft admirable wife; prudent, managing, carelefs of your own perfon, and very attentive to mine , not much ad- dicted to pleafure, grave, retir'd, and domeftic; govern your houfe pay the tradefmen's bills, (yawns) icold the fervants, and love your hufband : upon my foul, a very good wife ! As good a fort of a wife (yawns] as a body might wifh to have. Where's William ? I muft go to bed. Mrs. LOVE. To bed ib early ! Had not you bet- ter join the company ? LOVE. I (han't go out to-night. Mrs. LOVE. But I mean the company in the din- ing-room. LOVE. W T hat company ? (Stares at Jeer.} Mrs. LOVE. That I invited to a rout. LOVE. A rout in my houfe ! and you dreffed out too ! What is all this ? Mrs, THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 91 Mrs. LOVE. You have no objection, I hope. LOVE. Objection !- no,- I like company, you know, of all things ; I'll go and join them : Who are they all ? Mrs. LOVE. You know 'em all ; and there's your friend Sir Brilliant there. LOVE. Is he there ? I'm glad of it. But pray now how comes this about ? Mrs LOVE. I intend to do it often. LOVE^ Do ye ? Mrs. LOVE. Ay, and not look tamely on, while you revel luxurioufly in a courfe of pleafure ; I fhall- purfue my own plan of diverfion. LOVE. Do io, do fo, Ma'am, the change in your temper will be very pleafing. Mrs. LOVE. I fliall indeed, Sir, I'm in earneft. LOVE. By all means follow your own inclinations, Mrs. LOVE. And fo I (hall, Sir, I afliire ye. (%*.; No more I pine y Content is mine ; That funjhine of the breajt ! The fangs of love No more I prove ; No cares difturb my reft. LOVE. What the devil has come over her ? and what in the name of wonder, does all this mean ? Mrs. Love. Mean, Sir ' it means it means ~ it means how can you afk me what it means ? Well, to be fure, the fobriety of that queftion !- Do you think a woman of fpirit can have leifure to tell her meaning, when fhe is all air, alertnefs, plea- fure, and enjoyment ? LOVE. She's mad ! Stark mad ! Mrs. LOVE. You're miftaken, Sir, not mad, but in fpirits, that's all j no offence I hope. Am .1 too flighty for you ? perhaps I am, you are of a, N 2 faturnins.. 92 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. faturnine diipofition, inclin'd to think a little, or fa, Well, don't let me interrupt you , don't let me be of any inconvenience. That would be the un- politeft thing for a married couple to interfere and encroach on each other's pleafures, Oh hideous I it would be gothic to the laft degree. 'Ha ! ha ! ha ! LOVE, (forcing a laugh) Ha ! ha ! Ma'am, you, ha ! ha ! you are perfectly right. Mrs. LOVE. Nay, but I don't like that laugh now, I pofitively don't like it ; can't you laugh out as you were us'd to do ? For my part, I'm de- termined to do nothing all the reft of my life. LOVE. This is the moft aftoniming thing ! Ma'am, I don't rightly comprehend Mrs." LOVE. Oh lud ! oh lud ! with that impor- tant face. Well, but come now, what don't you comprehend ? LOVE. There is fomething in this treatment that I don't fo well Mrs. LOVE. Oh! are you there, Sir! How quickly they, who have no fenlibility for the peace and happinefs. of others, can feel for themfelves, Mr. Lovemore ! But that's a grave reflection, and I hate reflection. LOVE. What has me got into her head ? This fudden change, Mrs. Lovemore, let me tell you, is a little .alarming, and Mrs. LOVE. Nay, don't be frighten'd, there is no harm in innocent mirth, I hope-, never look fo grave upon it. I allure ye, Sir, that though on your part, you feem determin'd to offer conftant indignities to your wife, and tho' the laws of reta- liation wou'd in fome fort exculpate her, if, when provok'd to the utmoft exafperated beyond all en- iduring, ihe mould, in her turn, make him know what it is to receive an injury in the tendereft point LOVE. Madam! (angrily.) Mrs. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 93 Mrs. LOVE. Well, well, don't be frighten'd, I fay, I fhan't retaliate : my own honour will fecure you there , you may depend upon it. You won't come and play a game at cards ? Well, do as you like j well, you won't come ? No, no, I fee you won't. What fay you to a bit of fupper with us ? Nor that neither ? Follow your inclinations, it is not material where a body eats. The company expects me ; your fervant Mr. Lovemore, yours, yours. (Exitfmging.} LOVE, (alone.} This is a frolic I never faw her in before ! Laugh all the reft of my life ! Laws of retaliation! an injury in the tendereft point ; the company expects me, your fervant, my dear, yours, yours! (mimicking her.} What the devil is all this ? Some of her female friends have been tam- pering with her. Zouns ! I muft begin to look a little iharp after madam. I'll go this moment into the card-room, and watch whom me whifpers with, whom me ogles with, and every circumftance that can lead to (going.} Enter MUSLIN in a hurry. Mus. Madam, Madam, here's your Ietter 3 I wou'd not for all the world that my mafter LOVE. What, is me mad too ? What's the mat- ter, Woman ? Mus. Nothing, Sir, nothing, I wanted a word with my lady, that's all, Sir. LOVE. You wou'd not for the world that your mafter, what was you going to fay? What paper's that ? Mus. Paper, Sir ! LOVE. Paper, Sir ! Let me fee it. Mus. Lard, Sir! how can you afk a body for fuch a thing. It's a letter to me, Sir, a letter from the country, a letter from my fifter, Sir, me bids me to buy her a Shiver de Fize cap, and a fixteenth in the 94 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. the lottery i and tells me of a number The dreamt of, that's all, Sir, I'll put it up. LOVE. Let me look at it, give it me this mo- ment ? (rends,'} To Mrs. Lovernore ! Brilliant Fa- fhion. This is a letter from the country, is it ? Mus. That, Sir that is no Sir, no ; that's net filler's letter. If you will give me that back, Sir, I'll mew you the right one. LOVE. Where did you get this ? Mus. Sir? LOVE. Whew did you get it? Tell me truth. Mus. Dear heart, you fright a body fo in the parlour, Sir, I found it there. LOVE. Very well ! Leave the room. Mus. The devil fetch it, I was never fo out in my politicks, in all my days. (Exit.) LOVE. (c.Lne.} A pretty epiftle truly this feems to be, let me read it. " Permit me, dear rnadnrn, to throw myfelf on my knee?, (for on ^ hnies I mufl addrefs you) and in that humble pofture, to implore your companion." Compafficn 'Joitb a vengeance on him (walks about} " Think you fee me now with tender, melting, fup- plicating eyes, languifhing at your feet :" Very well^ Sir ! " Can you find it in your heart toperfift in cruelty ? Grant me but accefs to you once more, and in addition to what I already faid this morning, I will urge luch motives" urge motives, izillye? . " as will fuggeft to you, that you fhou'd no longer hefitate in gratitude, to reward him, who flill on his knees, here makes a vow to you of eternal conflancy and love." BRILLIANT FASHION. So , fo ! fo ! your very humble fervant, Sir Bril- liant Fafnion ! This is your friendfhip for me, is it ? you're mighty kind indeed, Sir, but I thank you as muth as if you had really done me the fa- vour, and, Mrs. Lovernore, I'm your humble "Servant too. She intends to laugh all the reft of her lifQl THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 95 life! This letter will change her note. Odib,ycnder me comes along the gallery, and Sir Brilliant in full chafe of her. They come this way,' cou'd I but detect them both now! I'll fie p afide, and who knows but the devil may tempt 'em to their undo- ing, at leaft I'll try, a polite hufband I am . There's the coaft clear for you, Madam. (Exit.} Enter Mrs. LOVEMORE, Sir BRILLIANT afar Mrs. LOVE. I tell you, Sir Brilliant, your is odious, your compliments fulfome, and your folicitations impertinent, Sir. 1 rnuil mate iiic of harm language, Sir, you provoke me to it, and 1 can't refrain. Sir BRIL. By all my hopes we are now conveni- ently alcne (/fide.) Not retiring to folitude and dif- content again, I hope, Madam ! Have a care, my dear Mrs. Lovemore, of a rdapfe. Mrs. LOVE. No danger of that, Sir, don't be fo folicitous about rno, Why wou'd you leave the company ? let me intreat you to return, Sir. Sir BRIL. By heaven, there is more rapture in be- ing one moment vis-a-vis with you, than in the company of a whole drawing-room of beauties. Round you are melting plcafures, tender tranfporrs, youthful loves, and blooming graces, all unfelt, ne- glected, and clefpis'd, by a taftelefs, cold, languid, unimpafilon'd hulband, while they might be all fo much better employ'd to 'the puroofes of extacy and bills. Mrs. LOVE. I am amazM, Sir, at this liberty, v/hat action of my life has authoriz'd fuch bare-fac'd afiurance ? 1 defire, Sir, you will clefift from this unequall'd infolence. I am not to be treated in this nr ner, and, I afTure you, Sir, that were I nor afraid of the ill confequ.ences that might follow, I ihould 9 6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. fhould not hefitate a moment to acquaint Mr. Love- more with your whole behaviour. Sir BRIL. She won't tell her hufband then, a charming creature, and blefiings on her for fo con- venient a hint, me yields, by all that's wicked ! What mail I fay to overwhelm her fenfes in a flood of nonfenfe ? (Aftde.) Go my heart's envoys, tender fighs make hafle^ Still drink delicious -poljon from thy e^ Raptures and paradife Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart beprefs'd. (forcing her all this time.) Enter Mr. LOVEMORE. LOVE. Zoons, this is too much. Sir BRIL. What the devil's the matter now ? (Kneels down to buckle his Jhoe.} This confounded buckle is always plaguing me. My dear boy, Lovemore, I rejoice to fee thee, (They ftand looking at each other.'] LOVE. And have you the confidence to look me in the face ? Sir BRIL. I was telling your lady here, of the moil whimfical adventure LOVE. Don't add the meannefs of falfnood, to the black attempt of invading your friend's happinefs. I did imagine, Sir, from the long intercourse that has fubfifted between us, that you might have had delicacy enough, feeling enough, honour enough, Sir, not to meditate an injury like this. Sir BRIL. Ay, ay, it's all over, I'm detected (Afide.} Mr. Lovemore, if begging your pardon for this rafhnefs will any ways atone LOVE. No, Sir, nothing can atone. The provo- cation you have given me, would juflify my draw- ing upon you this inftant, did not that lady and this roof protect you. Sir BRIL. But, Mr. Lovemore. 8 LOVE* THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 97 LOVE. But, Sir Sir BRIL. I only beg LOVE. Pray Sir, Sir, I infill 1 won't hear a word. Sir BRIL. I declare upon my honour . LOVE. Honour! for mame, bir Brilliant, don't life the word. Sir BRIL. If begging pardon of that lady LOVE. That lady ! I dcfire you v/ill never fpeak to that lady. Sir BRIL. Nay, but prithee, Lovemore LOVE. Po ! Po! don't tell me, Sir (walks about in anger.) Enter Sir BASHFUL. Sir BASH. Did not I hear loud words among you 1 ? ^ I certainly did What are you quarrelling about? LOVE. Read that, Sir Bafhful (Gives him Sir Bril- liant's Letter.} Read that, and judge if I have not caufe (Sir Bajhful reads to himfelf.) Sir BRIL. Hear but what I have to fay LOVE. No$ Sir, no-, I have done with you for the preient as for you, Madam, I am fatisfied with your conduct 1 was indeed a little alarmed, but, I have been a witnefs of your behaviour, and I am above harbouring low fufpicions Sir BASH. Upon my word, Mr. Lovemore, this is carrying thejelt to far LOVE. Sir! It is the bafeft thing a gentleman can be guilty of Sir BASH. Why fo I think. Sir Brilliant, (To him afide.) here take this letter, and read it to him his own letter to my wife (djide.) Sir BRIL. Let me have it (Aftde.) (Fakes the letter.) Sir BASH. 'Tis indeed as you fay the worft thing a gentleman can be guilty of. LOVE. 'Tis an unparalelled breach of friendmip. Sir BRIL. Well, I can't fee any thing fo unparal- O leled 98 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. leled in it I believe it will not be found to be with- out a precedent as for example (Reads.) " To My Lady Conftant " Why Jhould I conceal, my dear Madc.m^ that your " charms have touched my heart . ? " LOVE, (in amaze.) Zoons ! my letter (Afide.} " I long have lo-iSd you, long adored. Could L but " flatter myfelf" (Lovemcre walks about uneafy ; Sir Brilliint follows him.) Sir BASH. There, Mr. Lovemore, the bafeft cMiig a man can be guilty of! Sir BRIL.. (Reads.) " Could I but flatter myfelf with " the leajl kind return" LOVE. Confufion ! Let me feize the letter out of his hand. (Snatches it from him.) Sir BASH. The ba&ft thing a man can be guilty of, Mr. Lovemore \ LOVE. All a forgery, Sir; all a forgery. Sir BASH. That I deny; it is the very identical letter my lady threw away with fuch indignation My lady Conftant, how have I wrong'd you ! That was the caufe of your taking it fo much tt> heart, Mr. Lovemore, was it ? LOVE. A mere contrivance to palliate his guilt. Sir BRIL. Ha ! ha ! my dear Lovemore, I fuppofe you have been at this work with the widow Bellmour too. LOVE. The widow Bellmour! I never faw her but once in my life, and then it wastoferveyou, Sir. Sir BRIL. Are you fure of that P LOVE. Po! po ! I won't flay a moment longer among ye I'll go into another room, to avoid ye all I know little or nothing of the widow Bellmour,. Sir, (opens the ft age door.) Hell and deftrucTion ! what fiend is conjured up here ! Zoons ! let me make my efcape out of the houfe (Runs acrofs the: page to the oppofite door.) Mrs. LOVE. I'll fecure this door You mud not *go,. my dear. LOV.E-.. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 99 LOVE. S'death, Madam, letmepafs. Mrs. LOVE. Nay, yon mall ftay, I want to in- troduce an acquaintance of mine to you. LOVE. I defire, Madam - Enter Mrs. BELLMOUR, Mrs. BELL. My Lord, my lord Etheridge , lam heartily glad to fee your lordmip (Taking bold of him. ) Mrs. LOVE. Do, my dear, let me introduce this lady to you (Turning him to her.) LOVE. Here's the devil and all to do ! (Afide.} Mrs. BELL. My Lord, this is the moft fortunate encounter - LOVE. 1 wifh I was fifty miles off. Mrs. LOVE. Mrs. Bellmour, give me leave to in- troduce Mr. Love more to you (turning him to her.} Mrs. BELL. No, my dear Ma'am, let me intro- duce lord Etheridge to you (Pulling him.} My Lord - Sir BRIL. In the name of wonder, what is all this ? Sir BASH. Wounds ! is this another of his in- trigues blown up ? Mrs. LOVE. My dear Ma'am, you're miftaken ? this is my hufband. Mrs. BELL. Pardon me, Ma'am, 'tis my lord Etheridge. Mrs. LOVE. My dear, how can you be fo ill-bred in your own houfe ? Mrs. Bellmour, this is Mr. Lovemore. LOVE. Are you going to tofs me in a blanket, Madam ? call up the reft of your people, if you are. Mrs. BELL. Pfhaw ! Prithee now, my Lord, leave off your humours; Mrs. Lovemore, this is my lord Etheridge, a lover of mine, who has made propofals of marriage to me. LOVE. Confufion! let me get rid of thefe two furies (Breah away from them.) O 2 Sir TOO THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Sir BASH. He has been tampering here too, has he? Mrs. BELL, (follows him.) My Lord I fay ! my lord Etheridge ! won't your Lordlhip know me ? LOVE. This is the moft damnable accident! (Afide.) Mrs. BELL. I hope your Lordfhip has not forgot your appointment at my houfe this evening. LOVE. Ay, now my turn is come. (Afide.'} Mrs. BELL. Prithee, my Lord, what have I done, that you treat me with this coldnefs ? Come, come, you mail have a wife, I will take companion on you. LOVE. Damnation ! I can't ftand this, (dfide.) Sir BASH. Murder will out murder will out Mrs. BELL. Come, cheer up, my Lord; What the duce, your drefs is alter'd I What's become of the ftar and the ribband ? And fo the gay, the florid, the magnifique lord Etheridge, dwindles down into plain Mr. Lovemore, the married man! Mr. Lovemore, your moil obedient, very humble fervant, Sir. LOVE. I can't bear to feel myfelf in fo ridiculous a circumftance. (AJide.} Sir BASH. He has been pafTmg himfelf fora lordj has he ? Mrs. BELL. I beg my compliments to your friend Mrs. Loveit ; and I am much oblig'd to you both for your very honourable deiigns (Curtefying to him. LOVE. I never was fo afham'd in all my life ! Sir BRIL. So, fo, fo, all his pains were to hide the ftar from me. -This difcovery is a perfect cordial to my dejected fpirits. Mrs. BELL. Mrs. Lovemcre, I cannot fufficient- ly acknowledge the providence that directed you to pay me a vifit, tho' I was wholly unknown to you ; and I mall henceforth confider you as my deliverer. LOVE. THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 101 LOVE. Zoons , it was me that fainted away in the clofet, and be damn'd to her jealoufy (Afide.} Sir BRIL. By all that's whimfical, an odd fort of an adventure this My Lord, (advances to him.} my Lord, my lord Etheridge, as the man fays in the play, " Your lordfhip's right welcome back to Denmark." LOVE. Now he comes upon me. Oh ! I'm in a fine fituation. (Afide.) Sir BRIL. My Lord, I hope that ugly pain in y.oiir lordftup's fide is abated. LOVE. Abfurd, and ridiculous, (Afidi.'} Sir BRIL. There is nothing forming there, I hope, my Lord. LOVE. Damnation ! I can't bear all this Po ! po I No more, Sir Brilliant, don't tell me (goes toward the door in the back fcene.} Here is another fiend I am befet wkh them Enter Lady CONSTANT. LOVE. No way for an efcape ? (attempts both ft age doors, and is prevented.) Lady CON. Mr. Lovemore, it is the luckieft thing in the world, that you are come home LOVE. Ay, it's all over Tell the meriffs officers, I am ready Lady CON. I have loft every thing I play'd for; quite broke; four by honours againlt me, every time Do, Mr. Lovemore, lend me another hun- dred. LOVE. I would give a hundred pound you were all in Nova. Scotia. Lady CON T . Nay, then take the reft of your mo- ney ; I will have nothing to do with it Sir BASH. Zookers, that money Oh ! I am go- ing to blab Lady 102 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. Lady Corf, There, Sir, I defpiie it and the in- tention with which it was offered (throws the notes to Mm.) LOVE, (picking them tip.) This -will plague Sir Bafhful however (Afide.) Lady CON. Mrs. Lovemore, let me tell you, you are married to the falfeft man ; .he has deceived me ftrangely. Mrs. LOVE. I begin to feel for him, and to pity his uneafinefs. Mrs. BELL. Never talk of pity ; let him be pro- bed to the quick. Sir BASH. The cafe is pretty plain, I think now, Sir Brilliant. Sir BRIL. Pretty plain, upon my foul Ha ! ha ! LOVE. I'll turn the tables upon Sir Bafhful, for all this "-(Takes Sir BaJhfuFs letter cut of his pocket.) where is the mighty harm now, in this letter ? Sir BASH. Where is the harm ? LOVE. (Reads.) " / cannot , my deareft life, any " longer behold Sir BASH. Shame and confufion ! I am undone. (Afide.) LOVE. Hear this, Sir Bafhful" The manifold * l vexations , of which thro* a falfe prejudice I am my- " felf the occafion. Lady CON. What is all this ? Sir BASH. I am a loft man (dfide.} LOVE. Mind, Sir Bafhful. "lam therefore re- *' fohed, after many ccnflifls with my felf, to throw off " the majk. and frankly own apajjion, which the fear of " falling into ridicule has in appearance Jupprejjed" Sir BASH. 'Sdeath ! I'll hear no more of it (Snatches at the letter.) LOVE. No, Sir; I refign it here, where it was directed, and with it, my lady Conftant, thefe notes which Sir Bamful gkve me for your ufe. Lady THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 103 Lady CON. This is all a myffory ! it is his hand fure enough LOVE. Yes, Madam, and thofe are his fentiments, which he explained to me more at large. Lady CON. (reads.) c< Accept the prefents which I " myfelf have fent you \ money, attendance, equipage, and " every thing elfe you Jh all command '; and in return, I " foall only entreat you to conceal from the world that " you have raifed aflame in this heart, which will ever " Jhew me y " My dearejl life, " Tour moft affelTionate hujband* " BASHFUL CONSTANT. ALL. Ha! ha! Sir BRIL. So, fo, fo! he has bcten in love with his wife all this time, has he ? S ir Bafhful, will you go and fee the new comedy with me ? Sir BASH. I mall bluih thro' the world all the reft of my life (Afide.) Sir BRIL. But, Lovemore, this is ;ii pretty come- off Pray now, don't you think it a bafe thing to invade the happinefs of a friend? orl to do him a clandefline wrong ? or to injure him with the wo- man he loves ? LOVE. To cut the matter more witl we are both rafcals. Sir BRIL. Rafcals ! LOVE. Ay! both! we are prett deed! Mrs. BELL. I am glad to find you ; to a fenfe of your error. LOVE. I am, Madam, and I am fra own it I am above attempting to difj ings, when 1 am corifcious they are c truth and honour, and, Madam, wit i you, Sir, fellows in- ire awakened nk enough to uife my feel- i the fide of a fmcere re- morfe. io 4 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. morfe, I afk your pardon. I Hiould afk pardon of my lady Conltant too, but the truth is, Sir Bafhful threw the whole aftl r in my way; and, when a hufband will be ;ifhamed of loying a valuable wo- man, he mufl not be furprifed if other people take her cafe into coufideration, and love her for him. Sir BRIL. W.hy, faith that does in fome fore apo- logize for him --- Sir BASH. Sir BaMul! Sir Bafhful! thou ar't ruin'd (dftde.) Mrs. BELL. Well, Sir, upon certain terms, I don't know but I may fign and fcal your pardon LOVE. Terms! what terms! - Mrs. BELL. That you make due expiation of your guilt to that lady. LOVE. That lady, Ma'am! That lady has no reafon to complain. Mrs. LOVE. No reafon to complain, Mr. Love- more ! LOVE. No, Madam, none! for whatever may have been niy imprudences, they have had their fource in your conduct. Mrs. LOVE. In my conduct, Sir! LOVE. In your conducl:! I here declare before this company, and I am above palliating the mat- ter, I here declare, that no man in England cou'd be better inclin'd to domeitic happinefs, if you, Ma- dam, on yo ur part, had been willing to make home agreeable. Mrs. LOTE. There I confefs he touches me. LOVE, ^ ou cou'd take pains enough before mar- riage, you would put forth all your charms, prac- tife all you.- arts, and make your features pleafe by rule; i : or ever changing, running an eternal round of v ariety : and all this to win my affecti- ons , but when you had won them, you did not think them worth your keeping - Never drefs'd, 6 pen- THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 105 penfive, filent, melancholy, and the only en- tertainment in my houfe, was the dear pleafure of a dull conjugal < Tete-G- < Tete\ and all this infipidity, becauie you think the fole merit of a wife confiits in her virtue: a fine way of amufing a hufband, truly 1 Sir BRIL. Upon my foul, and fo it is 'Laugl:- ing>] Mrs. LOVE. Sir, I muft own there is too much truth in what you fay this lady has open'd my eyes, and convinced me there \vas a iiiiilake in my former conduct. LOVE. Come, come, you need fay no more. I forgive you I forgive Mrs. LOVE. Forgive! I like that air of confi- dence, when you know that on my fide, it is at worft an error in judgment, whereas on yours Mrs. BELL. Po ! po ! never ftand difputing you know each other's faults and virtues you have nothing to do but to mend the former and enjoy the latter There, there, there, kifs and be friends There, Mrs. Lovemore, take your reclaim'd li- bertine .to your arms. LOVE. "Tis in your power, Madam, to make a reclaim'd libertine of me indeed. Mrs. LOVE. From this moment it mail be our mutual ftudy to pleafe each other LOVE. A match with all my heart I mail here- after be afhamed only of my follies, but never mall be afhamed of owning that I fincerely love you Sir BASH. Shan't you be afham'd ? LOVE. Never Sir Sir BASH. And will you keep me in countenance then ? LOVE. 1 will. Sir BASH. Give me your hand I forgive you all from the bottom of my heart My Lady Conftant, P I own io6 THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. I own the letter, I own the fentiments of it, (em- braces her) and from this moment I take you to my heart. Lady CON. If you hold in this humour, Sir Bafh- ful, our quarrels are at an end. Sir BRIL. And now is my turn to make reftitu- tionhere (Gives lady Conftant the buckles.) Sir BASH. Ay, ay, make reftitution Lovemore ! vThis is the confequence of his having fome tolerable phrafe and a perfon, Mr Lovemore ! ha ! ha ! Sir BRIL. Why, I own the laugh is againfl me-, with all my heart ; for faith, I am glad to fee my friends happy at laft Lovemore, may I prefume to hope for pardon at that lady's hands (points t& Mrs. Lovemore. ) LOVE* My dear confederate in vice, your pardon is granted. Two fad dogs we have been, but come, give us your hand, we have us'd each other damnably for the future we will endeavour to make each other amends. Sir BRIL. And fo we will. LOVE. And now I heartily congratulate the whole company, that this bufmefs has had fo happy a ten- dency to convince each of us of our folly. Mrs. BELL. Pray, Sir, don't draw me into a mare of your folly. LOVE. Come, come, my dear Ma'am, you are not without your (hare of it. This will teach you for the future, to be content with one lover at a time, without liiteningto a fellow you know nothing of, becauie he afiumes a title, and reports well of himfelf. Mrs. BELL. The reproof is juft, I grant it. LOVE. Come, let us join the company chearfully, keep our own fecrets, and not make ourielves a town- talk 'Sir BASH. Ay, ay , let us keep the fecret. LOVE. What, returning to your fears again ? ' Sir THE WAY TO KEEP HIM. 107 Sir BASH. I have done. LOVE. Tho' faith, if this bufmefs were known in the world, it might prove a very ufeful lefTon. The men would fee how their paffions may carry them in- to the danger of wounding the bofom of a friend, the ladies wou'd learn, that after the marriage rites, they fhou'd not fuffer their powers of pleafmg to languifh away, but mould flill remember to facri- fice to the graces. 70 win a man, when all your pains fucceed, 'The Way to Keep Him, is a tajk indeed, FINIS. SONG for Mrs. GIBBER in the WAY TO KEEP HIM. Third Ad. Words by Mr. GAR RICK. Mufick by Dr. ARNE. I. Efair married dames who fo often deplore, 'That a lover once bleft, is a lever no more ; Attend 'to my counfel, nor Uufo to be taught ; 'That prudence muft cherifo, what btauty has caught. II. The bloom of your cheek, and the glance of 'your eye, Tour rcfes and lilies; may make the menf.gh : But rofes, and lilies, andfighs pafs away, Andpajjion will die\ as your beauties decay. III. Ufe the man that you wed, like your favorite GUITTAR. Tho y mufick in both, thy are both apt to jar - t How tuneful and foft from a delicate touch, Not hanaled too roughly, nor plafd on too much. IV. The SPARROW and LINNET will feed from your hand^ Grew tame by ycur kindnefs, and come at commana ; Exert with your hu/land the fame happy Jkill, For hearts, like ycur birds, may be iamd to your will. V. Be gay and good-humcuSd, complying and kind, Tutn tbe chief oj your care from your jace to your mind ; *7"w there u>a( a wife may her conquefts improve, And HYMEN Shall rivet thefettin O/LGVE. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. UNIVERSITY of AT LOS ANGELES LIBRARY