- !$/$ 

 
 UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA 
 
 AT 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 LIfiSA&X
 
 THE 
 
 OBSERVER: 
 
 BEING A COLLECTION OP 
 
 MORAL, LITERARY AND FAMILIAR 
 ESSAYS. 
 
 MULTORUM PROVIDES URBES 
 ET MORES HOMINUM INSPEXIT (HoRATi) 
 
 By RICHARD CUMBERLAND, ESQ. 
 
 
 THE FIFTH EDITION, NEWLY ARRANGED,- 
 
 TO WHICH IS ADDED, 
 
 AN ENTIRE TRANSLATION OF THE 
 COMEDY OF THE CLOUDS. 
 
 IN six VOLUMES. 
 VOL. iv. 
 
 LONDON-. 
 Printed for C. D i L L Y, in the Poultry. 
 
 1798., 
 
 19085
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 OF TH E 
 
 FOURTH VOLUME. 
 
 NUMBER 
 
 LXXXVII. TiyRiTTEN on thelaft day of the 
 
 year J7&9- Short review of 
 
 the remarkable events within the period of that 
 
 year, with fome elegiac lines applicable to its 
 
 hiftory and character I 
 
 LXXXVIII. The hiftory of Nicolas 7 Pedrofa, 
 and his efcape from the inquifkion in Madrid 
 
 3 
 
 LXXXTX. The hiftory of Nicolas Pedrofa con- 
 tinued - - - 21 
 
 XC. The hiftory concluded - ~ 33 
 
 XCI. A review of the prefent ftate of fociety in 
 this country, as dependent upon laws, religion, 
 manners, and arts. The fame compared with 
 antecedent periods, and murmurs againft the pre- 
 fent times reprehended and confuted - 44 
 
 XCII. Letter from Poflhumous, complaining of a 
 certain writer, who had published a collection of 
 his memoirs and remarkable fayings, with an 
 account of his laft will and teftament; alfo a 
 letter from H. B. to the author, offering to fupply 
 him with a collection of witty fayings, for pofthu- 
 mous publication - - - 56 
 
 VOL. IV. a XCIII, Kit
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 NUMBER 
 
 XCIII. Kit Cracker, a great dealer in the mar- 
 vellous, defcribes himfelf and his adventures, in a 
 letter to the Obferver - - 66 
 
 XCIV. Walter Wormwood, an envious defamcr, 
 gives his own hiftory, in a letter to the Obferver. 
 Remarks thereupon, and. a few lines on the paffion 
 of envy - - 77 
 
 XCV. Letter from Simon Sapling, dcfcribing his 
 own character, the incidents that befel him on the 
 death of his father, his marriages, and the cha- 
 rafters o both his wives. 89 
 
 XCV I. On the topic of procraftination. A letter 
 from Tom Tortoife. The fuppofed form of a 
 deed of conveyance, to be figned by* To-day, 
 for mylcing over fundry engagements to its fuc- 
 ceffbr To-morrow - - 100 
 
 XCVII. Letter from Benevolus, giving an account 
 of a damper. Alfo one figned Pro bono publico, 
 defcribing a club of dampers and puffers, with 
 
 . their invention of an inftr ument, called the ther- 
 mometer of merit - -in 
 
 XC VIII. Letters from various correfpondents, par- 
 ticularly from Gorgon, a felf-conceited painter of 
 the deformed and terrible - 119 
 
 XCIX. Difcovery of a curious Greek fragment, 
 defcribing the paintings of Apelles, Parrhafius, 
 and Timanthes, taken from certain dramas of 
 j^Efchylus - - - -129 
 
 C. Athenian vifion - - - i;<7 
 
 CI. Athenian vifion concluded - J4-3 
 
 CII. Remarks
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 NUMBER 
 
 CII. Remarks upon the prefenttafte for ailing pri- 
 vate plays. A fhort poem annexed, founded 
 upon reflections refulting from that fubjedt 160 
 
 CIII. Anecdotes of Jack Gaylefs - - 178 
 
 CIV. Memoirs of a fentimentalift, exemplified in 
 the adventures of Sappho and Mufulorus 191 
 
 CV. Conclufion of the above - - 205 
 
 C VI. Obfervations on the paffions, addreffed to the 
 ladies - - 215. 
 
 CVII. The character of a flatterer pourtrayed in 
 the adventures of Billy Simper - - 226 
 
 CVIII. The adventures of Billy Simper concluded, 
 and the fLitterer reformed - - 239 
 
 CIX. Sketches of various characters in a populous 
 country town - - - 252 
 
 CX. Remarks upon anger. The character of 
 Tom Tinder delineated and contrafted with that 
 of Major Manlove - 264. 
 
 CXI. Upon the effects of jealoufy exemplified in 
 the occurrences that happened in the family of 
 Sir Paul Tefty - - - 276 
 
 CX1I. The author's explanation of his motives in 
 an addrefs to his readers upon the conclufion of 
 this volume - - 291 
 
 CXIII, The ftory of Adelifa and Leander. Con- 
 clufion of the work, with a fhort addrefs from 
 the author to his readers - - 300,
 
 THE 
 
 OBSERVER.' 
 
 No. LXXXVII. 
 
 Jam te premit nox. - Ho RAT. 
 
 T AM fitting down to begin the tafk of 
 adding a new volume to thefe effays, when 
 the laft day of the year 1789 is within a 
 few hours of its conclufion, and I (hall bid 
 farewell to this eventful period with a grate- 
 ful mind for its having paffed lightly over 
 my head without any extraordinary pertur- - 
 bation or misfortune on my part fuffered, 
 gently leading me towards that deftined and 
 not far diftant hour, when I, like it, (hall be 
 no more. 
 
 I have accompanied it through all thofe 
 
 changes and fucceffions of feafons, which in 
 
 our climate are fo ftrongly difcriminated ; 
 
 VOL. IV. B have
 
 * THE OBSERVER. No. 87, 
 
 have fnared in the pleafures and productions 
 of each, and if any little idle jars or bickerings 
 may occafionally have flarted up betwixt us, 
 as \vill fometimes happen to the beft of 
 friends,! willingly confign them to oblivion, 
 and keep in mind only thofe kind and good 
 offices, which will pleafe on refleclion, and 
 ferve to endear the memory of the deceafed. 
 ^11 days in twelve months will not be days 
 of funmine; but I will fay this for my friend 
 in his lajl moments^ that I cannot put my 
 finger upon one in the fame century, that 
 hath given birth to more interefling events, 
 b^en a warmer advocate for the liberties 
 #nd rights of mankind in general, or a kinder 
 patron to this country in particular: I could 
 name a day (if there was any need to point 
 out what is fo ftrongly impreffed on our 
 hearts) a day of gratulation and thankfgiv- 
 ing which will ever {land forth amongft the 
 whiteft in our calendar. 
 
 Hie dies vere mihifefius atras 
 Eximet euros : tgo nee tumultutn^ 
 $ec mvri fer ii>n metuam, tenente 
 
 Cafare tsrras. Ho R A To 
 
 This
 
 Kb.7- THE OBSERVER. 3 
 
 ' This is indeed a feftal day, 
 
 *' A day that heals my cares and pains, 
 
 *' Drives death and danger far away, 
 
 *' And tells me Caefar lives and reigns." 
 
 Though my friend in his loft moments hath 
 in this and other inflances been fo confiderate 
 of ourhappinefs, I am afraid he is not likely 
 to leave our morals much better than he 
 found them : I cannot fay that in the courfe 
 of my duty as an Obferver any very (Inking 
 inftance of amendment hath come under 
 my notice 3 and though I have all the dif- 
 pofition in life to fpeak as favourably in my 
 friend's behalf as truth will let me, I am 
 bound to confefs he was not apt to think 
 fb ferioufly of his latter end as I could have 
 wifhed; there was a levity in his conduct, 
 ivhich he took no pains to conceal -, he did 
 not feem to reflect upon the lapfe of time, 
 how fpeedily his fpringyjutnmer y and autumn 
 would pafs away, and the whiter of his days 
 come upon him i like Wolfey he was not 
 aware how foon the froft, the killing frofi 
 would nip his root: he was however a 
 gay conviyial fellow, loved his bottle 
 and his friend, pafled his time peaceably 
 amongft us, and certainly merits the good 
 B 2. word
 
 4 THE OBSERVER. No. 87. 
 
 word of every loyal iubje6t in this king- 
 dom. 
 
 As for his proceedings in other countries, 
 it is not here the reader muft look for an 
 account of them ; politics have no place in 
 thefe volumes j but it cannot be denied 
 that he has made many widows and orphans 
 in Europe, been an adlive agent for the 
 court of death, and dipped his hands deep 
 in Chriflian and Mahometan blood. By 
 the friends of freedom he will be celebrated 
 to the lateft time. He has begun a bufmefs, 
 which if followed up by his fucceflbr with 
 equal zeal, lefs ferocity and more difcretion, 
 may lead to wonderful revolutions : there 
 are indeed fome inftances of cruelty, which 
 bear hard upon his character ; if feparately 
 viewed, they admit of no palliation; in a ge- 
 neral light allowances may be made for that 
 phrenfy, which feizes the mind, when im- 
 pelled to great and arduous undertakings ; 
 when the wound is gangrened the incifion 
 muft be deep, and if that is to be done by 
 coarfe inflruments and unfkilful hands, who 
 can wonder if the gafh more refembles the 
 flab of an afTaflm than the operation of a 
 furgeon j> An ^ra is now open, awful, in- 
 
 terefting
 
 No. 87. THE OBSERVER. 5 
 
 terefling and fo involved in myftery, that 
 the acuteft fpeculation cannot penetrate to 
 the iflue of it : In fliort, my friend in his loft 
 moments hath put a vail machine in motion, 
 and left a talk to futurity, that will demand 
 the ftrongeft hands and ableft heads to com- 
 pleat : in the mean time I mall hope that 
 my countrymen, who have all "thofe blef- 
 lings by inheritance, which lefs-favoured na- 
 tions are now ftruggling to obtain by force, 
 will fo ufe their liberty, that the reft of the 
 world, who are not fo happy, may think it an 
 object worth contending for, and quote our 
 peace and our profperity as the beft proofs 
 exifting of its real value. 
 
 Whilft my thoughts have been thus em- 
 ployed in reflecting upon the laft day of an 
 ever-memorable year, I have compofed a few 
 elegiac lines to be thrown into the grave,whicli 
 time is now opening to receive his reliques. 
 
 " The year's gay verdure, all its charms are gone, 
 *' And now comes old December chill and drear, 
 " Dragging a darkling length of evening on, 
 " Whilft all things droop, as Nature's death were near. 
 
 " Time flies amain with broad-expanded wings, 
 " Whence never yet a Tingle feather fell, 
 " But holds his fpeed, and through the welkin rings 
 " Of all that breathe the inexorable knell. 
 
 B 3 " Oh!
 
 6 THE OBSERVER. No. * 71 
 
 ** Oh ! for a moment flop a moment's fpace 
 
 *' For recollection mercy might concede, 
 
 *' A little paufe for man's unthinking race 
 
 ** To ponder on that world, to which they fpeed> 
 
 *' But 'tis in vain; old Timedifdains to reft, 
 ** And moment. after moment flits along, 
 " Each with a fting to pierce the idler's breafb 
 *' And vindicate its predeceflbr's wrong. 
 
 ** Though the new-dawning year in its advance 
 ** With hope's gay promife may entrap the mincf,. 
 *' Let memory give one retrofpeftive glance 
 r ' f Through the bright period, which it leaves behind,. 
 
 "~ jra of mercies ! my wrapt bofom fprings 
 
 " To meet the tranfport recolleftion gives : 
 
 "" Heaven's angel comes with healing on his wings \ 
 
 ' He {hakes his plumes, my. country's father lives* 
 
 t The joyful tidings o'er the diftant round 
 *' Of Britain's empire the four winds proclaim, 
 " Her fun- burnt ifiands -fwell the exulting foundj. 
 *' And fartheft Ganges echoes George's na.'ne. 
 
 **" Period of blifs ! can any Britifh mufe 
 tS " Bid thee farewell without'a parting tear?' 
 <4 Shall the hiftorians's gratitude refufe 
 ' His brightdt page to this recorded year? 
 
 " Thou Freedom's nurfing mother fiiall be ftil'd,. 
 M The glories of its birth are all thine own, 
 *' Upon thy breads hung the Herculean child, 
 *' And tyrants trembled at its baby frown. 
 
 *' A fanguir:e
 
 *Jo.B7- THE OBSERVER, i 
 
 *' A fanguine mantle the dread infant wore, 
 44 Before it roll'd a dream of human blood ; 
 ** Smiling it flood, and, pointing to the fhore, 
 " Beckon'd the nations from acrofs the flood. 
 
 " Then at that awful fight, as with a fpell* 
 
 *' The everlafting doors of death gave way, 
 
 f( Prone to the duft Oppreffion's fortrefs^fell, 
 
 g< And refcu'd captives hail'd the light of day, 
 
 w Meanwhile Ambition chac'u its fairy prize 
 
 ** With moonftruck madnefsdown the Danube's ftream, 
 
 *' The Turkifh crefcent glittering in its eyes, 
 
 "* And loft an empire to purfuc a dream, 
 
 r< The trampled ferpent'(Superflition) wreatH'd- 
 
 " Her felt 'ring fcaies with anguifii to and fro, 
 
 ** Torpid fhe lay, then darting forward fheath'cl. 
 
 *< Her deadly fangs in the unguarded foe, 
 
 " Oh Auftria ! why fo prompt to venture forth', 
 " When fate now hurries thee to life's laft goal? 
 *' Thee too, thou crowned eagle of the north, 
 44 Death's dart arrefts, though tow-'ringjo the pole. 
 
 " Down then, Ambition ; drop into the grave ! 
 " And by thy follies be this maxim {hewn 
 *' 'Tis not the monarch's glory to enflave 
 4 * His neighbour's empire, but to blefs his own, 
 
 " Come then, fweet Peace! in' Britain fix thy reign,. 
 <f Bid Plenty fmile, and Commerce croud her coaft ; 
 * And may this ever blefled year remain 
 ** Her king's, her people's, and her mufe's boafr. 
 
 B 4
 
 THE OBSERVER. No. 88. 
 
 No. LXXXVI'II. 
 
 T^TICOLAS PEDROSA, a bufy little being, 
 ** who followed the trades of fhaver, fur- 
 geon and man-midwife in the town of Ma- 
 drid, mounted his m,ule at the door of his 
 ihop in the Plazuela de los Affligidos, and 
 puihed through the gate of San Bernardino, 
 being called to a patient in the neighbouring 
 village of Foncarral, upon a prefliirg occa- 
 fion. Every body knows that the ladies in 
 Spain in certain cafes do not give long warn- 
 ing to practitioners of a certain defcription, 
 and no body knew it better than Nicolas, 
 who was refolved not to lofe an inch of his 
 way, nor of his mule's beft fpeed by the 
 way, if cudgelling could beat it out of 
 her. It was plain to Nicolas's convic- 
 tion as plain couJd be, that his road laid 
 flrait forward to the little convent in front ; 
 the mule was of opinion, that the turning on 
 the left down the hill towards 'the Prado 
 was the road of all roads moft familiar and 
 agreeable to herfelf, and accordingly began 
 to difpute the point of topography with 
 Nicolas by fixing her fore feet reiblutely in 
 
 the
 
 No. 98. THE OBSERVER. 9 
 
 the ground, dipping her head at the fame 
 time between them, and launching heels and 
 crupper furioufly into the air in the way of 
 argument. Little Pedrofa, who was armed 
 at heel with one maffy filver fpur of flout, 
 though antient, workmanfhip, refolutely 
 applied the rufly rowel to the moulder of 
 his beaft, driving it with all the good will in 
 the world to the very butt, and at the fame 
 time adroitly tucking his blue cloth capa 
 under his right arm, and flinging the {birt 
 over the left moulder en cavalier, began to lay 
 about him with a flout amen fapling upon 
 the ears, pole and cheeks of the recreant 
 mule. The fire now flamed from a pair of 
 Andalufian eyes, as black as charcoal and not ' 
 lefs inflammable, and taking the fegara from 
 his mouth, with which he had vainly hoped 
 to have regaled his noflrils in a fharp winter's 
 evening by the way, raifed fuch a thunder- 
 ing troop of angels, faints and martyrs, from 
 St. Michael downwards, not forgetting his 
 own riamefake Saint Nicolas de Tolentmo 
 by the way, that if curfes could have 
 made the mule to go, the difpute would 
 have been foon ended, but not a faint 
 could make her flir any other ways than 
 B 5 upwards
 
 TO THE OBSERVER. No, 83, 
 
 upwards and downwards at a (land. A 
 fmall troop of mendicant friars were at this 
 moment conducting the hoil to a dying 
 man. " Nicolas Pedrofa;" fays an old 
 friar, " be patient with your beaft and fpare. 
 ** your blafphemies ; remember Balaam." 
 " Ah father," replied Pedrofa, " Balaam 
 " cudgelled his beaft till me fpoke, fo will I 
 " mine till me roars." " Fie, fie, prophane 
 M fellow," cries another of the fraternity, 
 " Go about your work, friend," quoth Ni- 
 colas, " and let me go about mine -, I war- 
 *' rant it is the more prefimg of the twos 
 ** your patient is going out of the world^ 
 ** mine is coming into it." "Hear him," 
 cries a third, " hear the vile wretch, how 
 ** he blafphemes the body of God." And 
 then the troop paft ilowly on to the tink- 
 ling of the bell 
 
 A man mufl know nothing of a mule's . 
 cars who does not know what a paffion they: 
 have for the tinkling of a bell, and no 
 fooner had the jingling cords vibrated in the 
 fympatlietic organs of Pedrofa's beaft, than 
 boulting forward with a fudden fpring (he 
 ran roaring into the throng of friars, tramp- 
 ling oa fome and fhouldering others at a 
 
 mod
 
 No. 88. THE OBSERVER. n 
 
 moft prophane rates when Nicolas avail- 
 ing himfelf of the impetus, and perhaps not 
 able to controul it, broke away and" was 
 cut of fight in a moment, ""All the devils, 
 " in hell blow fire into thy tail, thou beafi 
 " of Babylon/' muttered Nicolas to himfelf 
 as he fcampered along, never once looking 
 behind him or flopping to apologize for the 
 mifchief he had done to the bare feet and 
 fhirtlefs ribs of the holy brotherhood; 
 
 Whether Nicolas faved his dillrance, as' 
 likewife, if he did, whether it was a male 
 or female Caftilian he ufnered into the 
 world, we will not juft" now enquire, con- 
 tented to wait his return in the firft of the 
 morning next day, when he had no fooner 
 difmounted at his mop and delivered his 
 mule to a fturdy Arragonefe wench, when 
 Don Ignacio de Santos Aparicio, alguazil 
 mayor of the-fupreme and general inquifitio~n s 
 put an order into his hand, figned and feal- 
 ed by the inquifidor general, for the convey- 
 ing his body to the Cafa, whofe formidable 
 door prefents itfelf in the ftreet adjoining to 
 the fquare in which Nicolas's brazen bafin 
 hung forth the emblem of his trade* 
 
 The poor little fellow, trembling in every 
 B -6 joint,
 
 12 THE OBSERVER. No.SS. 
 
 joint, and with a face as yellow as faffron, 
 dropt a knee to the altar, which fronts the 
 entrance, and crofled himfelf moft devout- 
 ly ; as foon as he had afcended the firft 
 flight of flairs, a porter habited in black 
 opened the tremendous barricade, and Ni- 
 colas with horror heard the grating of the 
 heavy bolts that fhut him in. He was led 
 through pafTages and vaults and melan- 
 choly cells, till he was delivered into the 
 dungeon, where he was finally left to his fo- 
 litary meditations. Haplefs being ! what 
 a fcene-of horror. Nicolas felt all the ter- 
 rors of his condition, but being an Anda- 
 Jufian, and like his countrymen of a lively 
 imagination, he began to turn over all the 
 refources of his invention for fome happy 
 fetch, if any fuch might occur, for helping 
 him out of the difmal limbo he v/as in : 
 He was not long to feek for the caufe of his 
 misfortune: his adventure with the bare- 
 footed friars was a ready fblution of all dif- 
 ficulties of that nature, had there been any j 
 there was however another thing, which 
 might have troubled a ftouter heart than 
 Nicolas's He was a Jew. This of a cer- 
 tain would have been aftaggering item in a 
 
 poor
 
 No. 88. THE OBSERVER. 13 
 
 poor devil's confemon, but then it was a 
 fecret to all the world but Nicolas, and Ni- 
 colas's confcience did not juft then urge 
 him to reveal it : He now began to over- 
 haul the inventory of his peribnals about 
 him, and with fome fatisfacl.ion counted three 
 little medals of the Bleffed Virgin, two 
 Agnus Deis, a Saint Nicolas de Tolentino 
 and a formidable firing of beads all pendant 
 from his neck and within his fhirt ; in his 
 pockets he had a paper of dried figs, a 
 fmall bundle of fegaras, a cafe of lancets, 
 fquirt and forceps, and two old razors in a 
 leathern envelope ; thefe he had delivered 
 one by one to the alguazil, who firfl ar- 
 refted him,- 1 -" and let him make the moll 
 " of them," faid he to himfelf, " they can 
 " never prove me an Ifraelite by a cafe of 
 " razors." Upon a clofer rummage how- 
 ever he difcovered in a fecret pocket a let- 
 ter, which the alguazil had overlooked, and 
 which his patient Donna Leonora de Cafa- 
 fonda had given him in charge to deliver 
 as direded " Well, well," cried he, "let 
 *' it pafs y there can be no myftery in this 
 " harmlefs fcrawl ; a letter of advice to fome 
 ** friend or relation, I'll not break the feal ; 
 
 " let
 
 H THE OBSERVER. No.gr. 
 
 " let the fathers read it, if they like, 'twill 
 " prove the truth of my depofition, and help 
 ** out my excufe for the hurry of my errand, 
 " and the -unfortunate adventure of my 
 " damned refractory mule." And now no 
 fooner had the recollection of the wayward 
 mule crofTed the brain of poor Nicolas Pe~ 
 drofa, than he began to blaft her at a furious 
 rate. " The fcratches and the fcab to boot 
 " confound thy fcurvy hide," quoth he, 
 *? thou afs-begotten baftard, whom Noah> 
 "never let into his ark! The vengeance 
 '* take thee for an uncreated barren beaft'of 
 ** promifcuous generation ! What devil's 
 " crotchet got into thy capricious noddle, 
 " that thou fhouldft fall in love with that 
 " Nazaritifh bell, and run bellowing like 
 '* Lucifer into the midft of thofe barefooted 
 " vermin, who are more malicious and' 
 '* more greedy than the locufts of Egypt ?' 
 " Oh ! that I had the art of Simon Magus 
 " to conjure thee into this dungeon in my 
 " ftead ; but I warrant thou art chewing 
 " thy barley flraw without any pity for thy 
 " wretched mafter, whom thy jade's tricks 
 " have delivered bodily to the tormentors, 
 " to be fport of thefe uncircumcifed foas- of 
 
 Dagon,"
 
 No; 88: THE OBSERVER. 15. 
 
 *' Dagon." And now the cell door opened^ 
 when a favage figure entered, carrying a huge 
 parcel of clanking fetters, with a collar of 
 iron, which he put round the neck of poor 
 Pedrofa, telling him with a truly diabolic 
 grin, whilft he was rivetting it on, that it was 
 a proper cravat for the throat of a blaf- v 
 phemer. " Jefu-Maria," quoth Pedrofa, 
 " is all this fallen upon me for only cudgel- 
 Ming a reftive mule?" "Aye," cried the 
 demon, " and this is only a tafte of what 
 " is to come," at the fame time flipping 
 his pincers from the fcrew he was forcing to 
 the head, he caught a piece of flem in the 
 forceps and wrenched it out of his cheekj 
 laughing at poor Nicolas, whilft he roared 
 aloud with the pain, telling him it was a jufl 
 reward for the torture he had put him to 
 awhile ago, when he tugged at a tooth, till 
 he broke it in his jaw, " Ah, for the love 
 " of Heaven," cried Pedrofa, " have more 
 f * pity on me ; for the fake of Saint Nicolas 
 " de Tolentino, my holy patron, be not fo 
 " unmerciful to a poor barber-furgeon, and 
 " I will (have your 'wormip's beard for no- 
 4{ thing as long as I have life." One of the 
 meffengers of the auditory now came in, 
 
 and
 
 16 THE ORSERVER. No. 88. 
 
 and bade the fellow ftrike off the prifoner's 
 fetters, for that the holy fathers were in 
 council and demanded him for examination, 
 " This is fomething extraordinary," quoth 
 the tormentor, " I mould not have expected 
 ** it this twelvemonth to come." Pedrofa's 
 fetters were ftruck off ; fome brandy was ap- 
 plied to ftaunch the bleeding of his cheeks ; 
 his hands and face were warned, and a fhort 
 jacket of coarfe ticking thrown over him, 
 and the meflenger with an affiftant taking 
 him each under an arm led him into a fpa- 
 cious chamber, where at the head of a long 
 table fate his excellency the inquilidor ge- 
 neral with fix of his affefibrs, three on each 
 lide the chair of ftate : the alguazil mayor, 
 a fecretary and two' notaries with other 
 officers of the holy council were attending 
 in their places. 
 
 The prifoner was placed behind a bar at 
 the foot of the table between the meffengers 
 who brought him in, and having made his 
 obeifance to the awful prefence in the moil 
 fupplicating manner, he- was called upon ac- 
 cording to the ufual form of queflions by one 
 of the junior judges to declare his name, 
 parentage, profefiion, age, place of abode, 
 
 and
 
 No. 88. THE OBSERVER. 17 
 
 and to anfwer various interrogatories of the 
 like trifling nature : His excellency the in- 
 quifidor general now opened his reverend 
 lips, and in a folemn tone of voice, that pe- 
 netrated to the heart of the poor trembling 
 prifoner, interrogated him as follows 
 
 " Nicolas Pedrofa, we have liftened to 
 " the account you give of yourfelf, your bu- 
 " finefs and connections, now tell us for 
 " what offence, or offences, you are here 
 
 - " Handing a prifoner before us : Examine 
 " your own heart, and fpeak the truth from 
 " your confcience without prevarication or 
 " diiguife." " May it pleafe your excel- 
 " lency," replied Pedrofa, "with all due 
 c< fubmiffion to your holinefs and this re- 
 " verend aflembly, my moft equitable 
 " judges, I conceive I (land here before you 
 " for no worfe a crime, than that of cudgel- 
 " ling a refractory mule ; an animal fo ref- 
 " tive in its nature, (under correction of 
 " your holinefs be it fpoken) that although 
 " I were bleft with the forbearance of holy 
 " Job, (for like him too I am married and 
 " my patience hath been exercifecl by a wife) 
 " yet could I not forbear to fmite my beaft 
 " for her obftinacy, and the rather becaufe I
 
 r? THE OBSERVER. No.SSv- 
 
 ** was fummoned in the way of my profef- 
 " fion, as I have already made known to 
 " your moft merciful ears, upon a certain 
 " crying occafion, which would not admit 
 *' of a moment's delay." 
 
 " Recoiled 'yourfelf, Nicolas," faid his 
 Excellency the inquifidor general, " was 
 " there nothing elfe you did, fave fmiting 
 " your beaih" 
 
 " I take faint Nicolas d'e Tolentino to 
 " witnefs," replied he, " that I know of no 
 " other crime, for which I can be refponfible- 
 fc at this righteous tribunal, fave. fmiting 
 " my unruly beaft." 
 
 " Take notice, brethren," exclaimed the 
 inqaifidbr, <c this unholy wretch holds tramp- 
 ** ling over friars to be no crime." 
 
 " Pardon me, holy father," replied Nico- 
 ** las, I hold it for the worft of crimes, and' 
 *' therefore willingly furrender my refractory 
 " mule to be dealt with as you fee fit, and if 
 " you impale her alive it will not be more 
 " than me deferves." 
 
 " Your wits are too nimble, Nicolas,"" 
 cried the judge ; " have a care they do not 
 * ( rua away with, your difcretion : F.ecoliecl: 
 
 "the
 
 No. 88, THE OBSERVER* 15 
 
 " the blafphemies you uttered in the hearing 
 " of thofe pious people." . , 
 
 " I humbly pray your excellency," an- 
 fwered the prifoner, *' to recoiled: that 
 " anger is a fhort madnefs, and I hope al- 
 " lowances will be made by your holy coun- 
 " cil for words fpoke in hafte to- a rebellious 
 " mule : The prophet Balaam was thro\yn 
 " off his guard with a fimple afs, and what 
 " is an afs compared to a mule : If your 
 ** excellency had feen the lovely creature 
 " that was fcreaming in. an agony till I came 
 " to her relief, and. how fine a boy I ufhened 
 " into the world, which would have been, 
 " loft but for my afliftance, I am fure I 
 ' fliould not be condemned for a few hafty 
 c< words fpokein paffion." 
 
 " Sirrah !" cried one of the puifny judges, 
 " refpedl the decency of the court." 
 
 " Produce the contents of this fellow's 
 " pockety before the court," faid the prefi- 
 dent,, " ky them on the table." 
 
 " Monfter," refumed the aforefaid puifny 
 judge, taking up the forceps, " what is tha- 
 " ufe of this diabolical machine ?" 
 
 " Pleafeyour reverence," replied Pedrofa, 
 ** agtum eft ad extrahendos foetus" " Unna- 
 
 " tural
 
 so THE OBSERVE R. ' No. 88. 
 
 " tural wretch," again exclaimed the judge, 
 " you have murdered the mother." 
 
 " The mother of God forbid," exclaimed 
 Pedrofa, '* I believe I have a proof in my 
 " pocket, that will acquit me of that 
 " charge;" and fo faying, he tendered the 
 letter we have before made mention of: 
 The fecretary took it, and by command of 
 the court read as follows : 
 
 Senor Don Manuel de Herrera, 
 When this letter , which I fend by Nicolas 
 Pedrofa? ftiall reach your hands , youJJiall know 
 that I am fafely delivered of a lovely boy after 
 a dangerous labour ', in confideration of which J 
 pray you to pay to the f aid Nicolas Pedrofa the 
 fum of twenty gold pijloles, which fum his ex- 
 cellency 
 
 " Hold," cried the inquifidor general, 
 flarting haftily from his feat, and matching 
 away the letter, " there is more in this than 
 " meets the eye : Break up the court ; I 
 " mufl take an examination of this prifoner 
 " in private." 

 
 No. 89. THE OBSERVER. 31 
 
 No. LXXXIX. 
 
 A s foon as the room was cleared, the inqui- 
 ** fidor general beckoning to the prifoner 
 to follow him, retired into a private clofet,. 
 where throwing himfelf carelefsly in an arm 
 chair, he turned a gracious countenance 
 upon the poor affrighted accoucheur, and 
 bidding him fit down upon a low ftool by 
 his fide, thus accofled him : " Take heart, 
 " fenor Pedrofa, your imprifonment is not 
 " likely to be very tedious, for I have a 
 " commiffion you muft execute without 
 " lofs of time : you have too much confi- 
 " deration for yourfelf to betray a truft, the 
 " violation of which muft involve you in in- 
 '* evitable ruin, and can in no degree attaint 
 *' my character, which is far enough beyond 
 " the reach of malice : Be attentive therefore 
 " to my orders ; execute them punctually, 
 " and keep my fecret as you tender your 
 " own life : Doft thou know the name and 
 " condition of the lady, whom thou haft de- 
 " livered ?" Nicolas afTured him he did not, 
 and his excellency proceeded as follows 
 44 Then I 'xi] thee, Nicolas, it is the illuf- 
 
 " trious
 
 sj T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 89, 
 
 ** trious Donna Leonora de Cafafonda : her 
 <c hufband is the preiident ef Quito, and 
 * 4 daily expected with the next arrivals from 
 * e the South Seas j now, though meafures 
 " -have been taken for detaining him at the 
 " port, wherever he (hall land, till he mall 
 " receive further orders, yet you muft be 
 " fenfible Donna Leonora's fituation is 
 <{ fomewhat delicate : It will be your bu- 
 *' fmefs to take the fpeedieft meafures for hei 
 61 recovery, but as it feems me has had a 
 " dangerous and painful labour, this may be 
 " a work of more time than could be wimed, 
 " unlefs fome medicines more efficacious 
 " than common are adminiftered : Art thou 
 ** acquainted with any fuch, friend Nicolas ?" 
 " So pleafe your excellency," quoth Nico- 
 las, " my proceffes have been tolerably fuc- 
 " cefsful ; I have bandages and cataplafms 
 " with oils and conferves, that I have no 
 " caufe to complain of: they vvill reftore 
 " nature to its proper ftate in all decent 
 " time. 1 ' " Thou talkeft like a fool, friend 
 " Nicolas," interrupting him, faid the inqui- 
 fidor ; " What telleft th9u me of thy fwath- 
 " ings and fwadlings ? quick work muft 
 '** be wrought by quick medicines : Haft 
 
 " thoii
 
 itfo. 89. T H O B S E R V E R. * 5 
 
 ".them none fuch in thy botica ? I'll anfwer 
 " for it thou haft not ; therefore look you,. 
 " firrah, here is a little vial compounded by 
 '* a famous chymift ; fee that you mix it in 
 *' the next apozem you adminifter to Donna 
 " Leonora i it is the moft capital fedative in 
 " nature; give her the whole of it, and let her 
 " hufband return when he will, depend upon 
 " it he will make no difcoveries from her." 
 " Humph !" quoth Nicolas within him- 
 fclf, "Well faid, inquifidor !" He took the 
 vial with all poflible refpecl, and was not 
 wanting in profeffions of the moft inviolable 
 fidelity and fecrecy *' No more words, 
 " friend Nicolas," quoth the inquifidor, 
 " upon that fcore ; I do not believe thee 
 " one jot the more for all thy proiriifes ; my 
 -*' dependance is upon thy fears and not thy 
 " faith ; I fancy thou haft feen enough of 
 " this place not to be willing to return to it 
 "once for all" Having fo faid, he rang a 
 bell, and ordered Nicolas to be forthwith li- 
 berated, bidding the meflenger return his 
 clothes inftantly to him with all that be- 
 longed to him, and having flipped a purfe 
 into his hand well filled with doubloons, he 
 i*ade him begone about his bulmefs, and not 
 
 fee
 
 14 THE OBSERVER. No. 89. 
 
 fee his face again till he had executed his 
 commands. 
 
 Nicolas boulted out of the porch without 
 taking leave of the altar, and never checked 
 his fpeed till he found himfelf fairly houfed 
 under (heifer of his own beloved brafs bafm. 
 " Aha!" quoth Nicolas, " my lord in- 
 " quifidor, I fee the king is not likely to 
 " gain a fubject more by your intrigues : 
 " A pretty job you have fet me about; and 
 " fo, wheri I have put the poor lady to reft 
 " with your damned fedative, my tongue 
 " muft be ftopt next to prevent its blabbing : 
 " But I'll (how you I was not born in An- 
 " dalufia for nothing." Nicolas now opened 
 a fecret drawer and took out a few pieces 
 of money, which in fact was his whole flock 
 of cam in the world j he loaded and primed 
 his piftols, and carefully lodged them in the 
 houfers of his faddle, he buckled to his fide 
 his trufty fpada, and haftened to caparifoa 
 his mule. " Ah, thouimp of the old one," 
 quoth he as he 'entered the ftable, " art not 
 " afhamed to look me in the face ? But 
 " come, huffey, thou oweft me a good turn 
 " methinks, fland by me this once, and be 
 " friends for ever ! thou art in good cafe, 
 
 " and
 
 No. 89. THE OBSERVER. 25 
 
 " and if tbou wilt put thy beft foot fore- 
 " raoft, like a faithful bead, thou (halt not 
 " want for barley by the way." The bargain 
 was foon ftruck between Nicolas and his 
 mule, he mounted her in the happy mo- 
 ment, and pointing his courfe towards the 
 bridge of Toledo, which proudly ftrides with 
 half a dozen lofty arches over a flream 
 fcarce three feet wide, he found himfelf as 
 completely in a defart in half a mile* s riding, 
 as if he had been dropt in the center of Ara- 
 bia petrea. As Nicolas's journey was not 
 a tour of curiofity, he did not amufe him- 
 felf with a peep at Toledo, or Taiavera, or 
 even Merida by the way ; for the fame rea- 
 fon he took a circitmbendibui round the 
 frontier town of Badajoz, and eroding a lit- 
 tle brook refremed his mule with the laft 
 draught of Spanish water, and inftantly con- 
 gratulated himfelf upon entering the terri- 
 tory of Portugal. " Brava !" quoth he, pat- 
 ting the neck of his mule, " thou malt have 
 " a fupper this night of the beft fieve-meat 
 " that Eftramadura can furniih : We arc 
 " now in a country where the fcattered 
 " flock of Ifrael fold thick and fare well," 
 VOL. IV. C He
 
 c6 THE OB SERVER. No. 89. 
 
 He now began to chaunt the fong of Solo- 
 mon, and gently ambled on in the joy of 
 his heart. 
 
 When Nicolas at length reached the city 
 of Lilbon, he hugged himfelf in his good 
 fortune ; ftill he recollected that the inqui- 
 ihion has long arms, and he was yet in a place 
 of no perfect fecurity. Our adventurer had 
 in early life acted as affiftant furgeon in a 
 Spanifh frigate bound to Buenos Ayres, and 
 being captured by a Britifh man of war, and 
 carried into Jamaica, had very quietly pafled 
 fome years in that place as journeyman apo- 
 thecary, in which time he had acquired a to- 
 lerable acquaintance with the Englifh lan- 
 guage : No fooner then did he difcover the 
 Britim enfign flying on the poop of an 
 Englifh frigate then lying in the Tagus, than 
 he eagerly caught the opportunity of paying 
 a vifit to the furgeon, and finding he was in 
 want of a mate, offered himfelf, and was en- 
 tered in that capacity for a cruize againfl 
 the French and Spaniards, with whom Great 
 Britain was then at war. In this fecureafy- 
 lum Nicolas enjoyed the firft happy mo- 
 ments he had experienced for a long time
 
 No. 89. THE OB SERVER. *r 
 
 pad, and being a lively good-humoured lit- 
 tle fellow, and one that touched the guitar 
 and fung fequidillas with a tolerable grace, 
 he foon recommended himfelf to his fhip- 
 mates, and grew in favour with every body 
 on board from the captain to the cook's 
 mate. 
 
 When they were out upon their cruife 
 hovering on the Spanifh coaft, it occurred 
 to Nicolas that the inquiiidor general at Ma- 
 drid had told him of the expected arrival of 
 the prefident of Quito, and having imparted 
 this to one of the lieutenants, he reported it 
 to the captain, and as the intelligence feemed 
 of importance, he availed himfelf of it by 
 bawling into the track of the homeward- 
 bound galleons, and great was the joy, when 
 at the break of the morning the man at the 
 maft-head announced a fquare rigged veflel 
 in view : The ardor of a chace now fet all 
 hands at work, and a few hours brought 
 them near enough to difcern that (lie was a 
 Spanifh frigate, and feemingly from a long 
 voyage : Little Pedrofa, as alert as the reft, 
 ftript himfelf for his work, and, repaired to 
 his poft in the cock-pit, whilft the thunder 
 of the guns rolled inceffantly overhead ; three 
 C 2 cheers
 
 iS THE OBSERVER. No. 89. 
 
 cheers from the whole crew at length an- 
 nounced the moment of victory, and a few 
 more minutes afcertained the good news 
 that the prize was a frigate richly laden from 
 the South Seas, with the governor of Quito 
 and his fuite on board. 
 
 Pedro fa was now called upon deck, and 
 fent on board the prize as interpreter to the 
 firft lieutenant, who was to take poflefiion 
 of her. He found ever) 7 thing in confufion, 
 a deck covered with the (lain, and the whole 
 crew in confirmation at an event they were 
 in no degree prepared for, not having re- 
 ceived any intimation of a war. He found 
 the officers in general, and the paflen- 
 gers without exception, under the moft 
 ; horrid impreffions of the Englifh, and ex- 
 pecting to be plundered, and perhaps but- 
 chered without mercy. Don Manuel de 
 Cafafonda the governor, whofe countenance 
 befpoke a conftitution far gone in a .decline, 
 had thrown himfelf on a ibpha in the laft 
 ftate of defpair, and given way to an effufion 
 of tears ; when the lieutenant entered the 
 cabin he rofe trembling from his couch, and 
 xrith the moft fupplicating action prefented 
 to him his fword, and with it a cafkef 
 
 which
 
 too. 89. THE OBSERVER; 29 
 
 which he carried in his other hand ; as he 
 tendered thefe fpoils to his conqueror, whe- 
 ther through weaknefs or of his own will, he 
 made a motion of bending his knee : the ge- 
 nerous Briton, (hocked at the unmanly over- 
 ture, caught him fuddenly with both hands, 
 and turning to Pedrofa, faid aloud " Con- 
 " vince this gentleman he is fallen into ths 
 " hands of an honourable enemy." " Is it 
 " poffible !" cried Don Manuel, and lifting 
 up his ftreaming eyes to the countenance 
 of the Britifti officer, faw humanity, valour, 
 and generous pity fa flrongly charactered in 
 his youthful features, that the conviction 
 was irrefiftible. " Will he not accept my 
 " fword ?" cried the Spaniard. " He defires 
 " you to wear it, till he has the honour of 
 " preferring you to his captain." "Ah then 
 " he has a captain," exclaimed Don Ma- 
 nuel, " his fuperior will be of another way of 
 " thinking ; tell him this cafket contains my 
 " jewels j they are valuable ; let him pre- 
 " lent them as a lawful prize, which will 
 " enrich the captor; his fuperior will not 
 " hefitate to take them from me." " If 
 *' they' are your excellency's private pro- 
 " perty," replied Pedrofa, " I am ordered 
 3 "to
 
 30 THE OBSERVER: NO. 89. 
 
 " to affureyou, that if your fhip was load- 
 " ed with jewels, no Britifh officer, in the 
 " fervice of his king, will take them at your 
 " hands; the (hip and effects of his Catho- 
 " lie Majefty are the only prize of the cap- 
 " tors ; the perfonals of the paffengers are 
 " inviokte." " Generous nation !" ex- 
 claimed Don Manuel, " how greatly have 
 " I wronged thee !" The boats of the Bri- 
 tifh frigate now came alongfide, and part of 
 the crew were fhifted out of the prize, taking 
 their clothes and trunks along with them* 
 in which they were very cordially afiifted by 
 their conquerors. The barge foon after 
 came aboard with an officer in the ftern- 
 fheets, and the crew in their white mirts 
 and velvet caps, to efcort the governor and 
 the fhip's captain on board the frigate, which 
 lay with her fails to the mail awaiting their 
 arrival; the accommodation ladder was 
 flung over the fide, and manned for the pri- 
 foners, who were received on the gang-way 
 by the fecond lieutenant, whilft perfect 
 filence and the ftricteft difcipline reigned in 
 the fhip, where all were under the decks, and 
 no inquifitive curious eyes were fuffered to 
 wound the feelings of the conquered even 
 
 with
 
 No. 89. THE OBSERVER. 31 
 
 with a glance ; in the door of his cabin flood 
 the captain, who received them with that mo- 
 deft complaifance, which does not revolt the 
 unfortunate by anoverftrainedpol> neisj he 
 was a man of high birth and elegant man- 
 ners, with a heart as benevolent as it was 
 brave : Such an addrefs, fet off with a perfon 
 finely formed and perfectly engaging, could 
 not fail to imprefs the prifoners with the 
 moft favourable ideas ; and as Don Manuel 
 fpoke French fluently, he could converfe 
 with the Britim captain without the help of 
 an interpreter : As he expreffed an impa- 
 tient defire of being admitted to his parole, 
 that he might revifit friends and connections, 
 from which he had been long Separated, he 
 was overjoyed to hear that the Englifh fhip 
 would cany her prize into Lifbon; and that 
 he would be there fet on more, and permit- 
 ted to make the beft of his way from thence 
 to I.-kdrid; he talked of his wife with all 
 the ardor of the moft impamoned lover, and 
 apologized for his tears, by imputing them 
 to the agony of his mind, and the infirmity 
 of his health, under the dread of being longer 
 feparated from an object fo dear to his heart, 
 and on whom he doated with the fondefl 
 C 4 affection.
 
 33 THE OBSERVER. No. 89. 
 
 affection. The generous captor indulged 
 him in theie converfations, and, being a 
 hufband himfelf, knew how to allow for all 
 the tendernefs of his fenfations. " Ah, fir," 
 cried Don Manuel, " would to Heaven it 
 " were in my power to have the honour of 
 " prefenting my beloved Leonora to you 
 " on our landing at Lifbon Perhaps,'* 
 added he, turning to Pedrofa, who at that 
 moment entered the cabin, " this gentle- 
 " man, whom I take to be a Spaniard, may 
 " have heard the name of Donna Leonora de 
 " Cafafonda ; if he has been at Madrid, it 
 " is poffible he may have feen her j fliould 
 " that be the cafe, he can teflify to her 
 " external charms -, I alone can witnefs to 
 " the exquifite perfection of her mind.'* 
 " Senor Don Manuel," replied Pedrofa, 
 " I have feen Donna Leonora, and your 
 " excellency is warranted in all you can fay 
 " in her praife ; (he is of incomparable 
 " beauty." Thefe words threw the uxo- 
 rious Spaniard into raptures; his eyes 
 fparkled with delight ; the blood ruflied 
 into his emaciated cheeks, and every fea- 
 ture glowed with unutterable joy : He pref- 
 fed Pedrofa with a variety of rapid enqui- 
 ries,
 
 No. 90. THEOBSERVER. 33 
 
 ries, all which he evaded by pleading igno- 
 rance, faying, that he had only hadacafual 
 glance of her, as me patted along the Par- 
 do. The embarrarTment however which 
 accompanied thefe anfwers, did not efcape 
 the Englifli. captain, who fhortly after 
 drawing Pedrofa afide into the furgeon's ca- 
 bin, was by him made acquainted with the 
 melancholy fituation of that unfortunate 
 lady, and every particular of the ftbry as 
 before related"; . nay the very vial was pro- 
 duced with it's contents, as put into the. 
 hands of. Pedroia by the inquifidor. 
 
 NO. xc; 
 
 " C A ~* tnere tie fuch villainy ih man ? ' ' 
 cried the Bfitiih captain, when Pe- 
 drofa had concluded 'his detail: " Alas ! my 
 "heart bleeds for this unhappy hufoand : 
 "-affuredly that monfterhas deftroyed Leo- 
 " nora : as for thee, Pedrofa, whilft the 
 " Britilh flag flies over thy head, neither 
 " Spain, nor Portugal, nor Ihquifitors, nor 
 '* Devils (hall annoy thee under it's protec- 
 C 5 tion;;
 
 34 THE OBSERVER. No. 9 c. 
 
 " tion ; but if thou ever ventureft over the 
 
 " fide of this (hip, and ralhly fetteft one foot 
 
 " upon Catholic foil, when we arrive at 
 
 " Lifbon, thou art a loft man." " I were 
 
 " worfe than a madman," replied Nicolas, 
 
 " mould I attempt it." " Keep clofe in 
 
 " this afylum then," refumed the captain, 
 
 " and fear nothing : Had it been our fate 
 
 " to have been captured by the Spaniard, 
 
 K what would have become of thee ?" 
 
 " In the worft of extremities," replie4 
 
 Nicolas, " I mould have applied to the in- 
 
 " quifidor's vial ; but I confefs I had no fears 
 
 " of that fort ; a fhip fo commanded and 
 
 " fo manned is in little danger of being car- 
 
 " ried into a Spanifh port." " I hope 
 
 " not," faid the captain,'" and I promife 
 
 " thee thou (halt take thy chance in her, fo 
 
 f< long as me is afloat under my command, 
 
 " and if we live to conduct her to England, 
 
 " thou malt have thy proper (hare of prize 
 
 " money, which, if the galleon breaks up 
 
 " according to her entries, will be fome- 
 
 " thing towards enabling thee to fhift, and 
 
 " if thou art as diligent in thy duty, as I 
 
 " am perfuaded thou wilt be, whilft I live 
 
 " thou malt never want a feaman's friend." 
 
 At
 
 No. go. THE OBSERVER. 35 
 
 At thefe cheating words, little Nicolas 
 threw himfelf at the feet of his generous 
 preferver, and with ftreaming eyes poured 
 out his thanks from a heart animated with 
 joy and gratitude. The captain raifmg him 
 by the hand, forbade him, as he prized his 
 friend (hip, ever to addrefs him in that pof- 
 ture any more : " Thank me, if you will," 
 added he, " but thank me as one man 
 " mould another ; let no knees bend in this 
 " fhip but to the name of God. But now," 
 continued he, " let us turn our thoughts to 
 " the iituation of our unhappy Cafafonda ; 
 " we are now drawing near to Lifbon, where 
 " he will look to be liberated on his parole." 
 " By no means let him venture into Spain," 
 faid Pedrofa; " I am well afTu red there are 
 " orders to arreft him in every port or fron- 
 " tier town, where he may prefent him- 
 " felf." " I can well believe it," replied 
 the captain ; " his piteous cafe will require 
 " further deliberation ; in the mean time let 
 " nothing tranfpire on your part, and keep 
 " yourfeh out of his fight as carefully as 
 " you .can." This faid, the captain left the 
 cabin, and both parties repaired to their 
 feveral occupations. 
 
 C 6 As
 
 36 THE OB SERVER. No.g> 
 
 As foon as the frigate and her prize caft 
 anchor in the Tagus, Don Manuel de Cafa- 
 fondaimpatiently reminded our captain of his 
 promifed parole. The painful moment was 
 now come, when an explanation of fome fort 
 became unavoidable : The generous Englim- 
 man, 'with a countenance expreflive of the 
 tendereft pity, took the Spaniard's hand in 
 his, and feating him on a couch befide him, 
 ordered the centinel to keep the cabin pri- 
 vate, and delivered himfelf as follows 
 
 " Senor Don Manuel, I muft new im- 
 " part to you an anxiety which I labour un- 
 " der on your account ; I have ftrong rea- 
 " fon to fufpeft you have enemies in your 
 " own country, who are upon- the watch to 
 " arreft you on your landing : when I have 
 " told you this, I expect you will repofe 
 " fuch truft in my honour, and the fincerity 
 " of my regard for you, as not to demand 
 " a further explanation of the particulars, 
 " on- which my intelligence is founded." 
 "Heaven and Earth!" cried the aftonifhed 
 Spaniard, " who can be thofe enemies I have 
 " to fear, and what can I have done to de- 
 " ferve them ?" " So far I will open my- 
 ** felf to you," anfwered the captain, " as to 
 
 " point
 
 No. go. T H E O B S E R V E R. 3 y 
 
 " point out the principal to you, the inqui- 
 " fidor general." " The bed friend I have 
 " in Spain," exclaimed the governor, " my 
 " fworn protector, the patron of my fortune. 
 " He my enemy ! impoffible." " Well, 
 " Sir," replied the captain, " if my advice 
 " does not meet belief, I muft fo far exert 
 " my authority for your fake, as to make this 
 " (hip your prifon till I have waited on our 
 " minifter at Lifbon, and made the enquiries 
 " necefiury for your fafety ; fufpend your 
 "judgment upon the feeming harflmefs of 
 " this meafure till I return- to you again ;" 
 and at the fame time riling from his feat, he 
 gave orders for the barge, and leaving ftricl: 
 injunctions with the firft lieutenant not to 
 allow of the governor's quitting the frigate, 
 he put off for the fhore, and left the melan- 
 choly Spaniard buried in profound and 
 filent meditation. 
 
 The emiffaries of the Inqufition having at 
 lafl traced Pedrofa toLifbon, and there-gained 
 intelligence of his having entered on board the 
 frigate, our captain had no fooner turned into 
 the porch of the hotel at Buenos- Ayres, than 
 he was accofted by a meflenger of ftate, with 
 a requifit ion from the prime rninifter's office 
 
 for
 
 38 THE OBSERVER. No. 90. 
 
 for the furrender of one Nicolas Pedrofa, a 
 fubje6t of Spain and a criminal, who had 
 efcaped out of the prifon of the Inquifition 
 in Madrid, where he. ftood charged with 
 high crimes and mifdemeanors. As foon as 
 this requifition was explained to our worthy 
 captain, without condefcending to a word in 
 reply, he called for pen and ink, and writing 
 a. fliort order to the officer commanding on 
 board, inftantly difpatched the midmipman, 
 who attended him, to the barge, with direc- 
 tions to make the beft of his way back to the 
 frigate, and deliver it to the lieutenant : Then 
 turning to the meflenger, he faid to him in a 
 refolute tone " That Spaniard is now borne 
 " on my books, and before you fhalltake him 
 " out of the fervke of my King, you muft 
 " fink his fhip." Not waiting for a reply, 
 he immediately proceeded without flop to 
 the houfe of the Britim Minifter at the far- 
 ther end of the city : Here he found Pe- 
 drofa's intelligence, with regard to the Gover- 
 nor of Quito, exprefsly verified, for the order 
 had come down even to Lifbon, upon the 
 chance of the Spanifh frigate'^taking fhelter 
 in that port : To this Minifter he related the 
 horrid tale, which Pedrofa had delivered to 
 
 him,
 
 No. 90. T H E O B S E R V E R.- 39 
 
 him, and with his concurrence it was deter- 
 mined to forward letters into Spain, which 
 Don Manuel fhould be advifed to write to 
 his lady and friends at Madrid, and to wait 
 their anfwer before any further difcoveries 
 were imparted to him refpefting the blacker 
 circumftances of the cafe : In the mean 
 time it was refolved to keep the prifoner fafe 
 in his afylum. 
 
 The generous Captain loft no time in re- 
 turning to his frigate, where he immediately 
 imparted to Don Manuel the intelligence he 
 had obtained at the Britifh Minifter's 
 " This, indeed," cried the afflicted Spa- 
 niard, " is a ftroke I was in no refpect pre- 
 " pared for ; I had fondly perfuaded myfelf 
 " there was not in the whole empire of Spain, 
 " a more friendly heart than that of the In- 
 " quifidor's ; to my beloved Leonora he had 
 " ever (hewn the tendernefs of a paternal 
 " affection from her very childhood ; by him 
 " our hands were joined ; his lips pronounc- 
 " ed the nuptial benediction, and through 
 " his favour I was promoted to my govern- 
 " ment : Grant, Heaven, no misfortune 
 " hath befallen my Leonora! furely me 
 " cannot have offended him, and forfeited 
 
 "his
 
 40 THEOBSERVER. No. 90. 
 
 " his favour." As I know him not, re- 
 plied the Captain, " I can form no judg- 
 " ment of his motives ; but this I know, 
 " that if a man's heart is capable of cruelty, 
 " the fitteft ichool to learn it m, muft be 
 " the Inquifition." The propofal was now 
 fuggefted of fending letters- into Spain, and 
 the Governor retired to his defk for the pur- 
 pofe of writing them ; in the afternoon of 
 the fame day the M inifter paid a vifit to the 
 Captain, and receiving a packet from the 
 hands of Don Manuel, promifed to get it 
 forwarded by a fafe conveyance according to 
 direction. 
 
 In due courfe of time this fatal letter from 
 Leonora, opened all the horrible tranfacYion 
 to the wretched hufband : 
 
 The guilty hand of an expiring wife, mder 
 the agonizing operation of a mortal poifon, 
 traces thefefew trembling lines to an injured 
 wretched hitjband. If then haft any pity for my 
 parting fpir it fly the ruin that awaits thee, and 
 avoid this fcene of villainy and horror. When 
 I tell thee I have borne a child to the monjler^ 
 whofe poifon runs in my veins, thou wilt abhor 
 thyfaithlefs Leonora 3 had IJlrength to relate 
 
 to>
 
 No. 90. THE OBSERVER. 41 
 
 to thee tkzjuStle machinations, which betrayed 
 me to difgrace, thou ^vouldft pity and perhaps 
 forgive me. Oh agony ! can I write his name ? 
 I7ie Inquifidor is my murderer My pen falls 
 from my hand Farewell for ever. 
 
 Had a (hot patted through the heart of 
 Don Manuel, it could not more effectually 
 have flopt it's motions, than the perufal of 
 this fatal writing: He dropped lifelefs on the 
 couch, and but for the care and afliftance of 
 the Captain and Pedrofa, in that pofture he 
 had probably expired. Grief like his will 
 not be defcribed by words, for to words it 
 gave no utterance ; 'twas fuffocating, filent 
 woe. 
 
 Let us drop the curtain over this melan- 
 choly paufe in our narration, and attend 
 upon the mournful widower now landing 
 upon Englifh ground, and conveyed by his 
 humane and generous preferver to the houfe 
 of a noble Earl, the father of our amiable 
 Captain, and a man by his virtues ftillmore 
 confpicuous than by his rank. Here amidft 
 the gentle folicitudes of a benevolent family, 
 in one of the mod enchanting fpots on earth, 
 in a climate moil falubrious and reftorative
 
 42 THE OBSERVER. No. 90. 
 
 to a conftitution exhaufted by heat, and a 
 heart near broken with forrow, the reviving 
 fpirits of the unfortunate Don Manuel gave 
 the firft fymptoms of a poffible recovery. 
 At the period of a few tranquillizing weeks 
 here paffed in the bofom of humanity, let- 
 ters came to hand from the Britifh Minifter 
 at Lifbon, in anfwer to a memorial, that I 
 mould have ftated to have been drawn up 
 by the friendly Captain before his departure 
 from that port, with a detail of facts de- 
 pofed and fworn to by Nicolas Pedrofa, 
 which memorial, with the documents attach- 
 ed to it, was forwarded to the Spanim Court 
 by fpecial exprefs from the Portuguefe pre- 
 mier. By thefe letters it appeared, that the 
 high dignity of the perfon impeached by 
 this flatement of fads, had not been fuffi- 
 cient to fcreen him from a very ferious and 
 complete invefligation ; in the courfe of 
 which facts had been fo clearly brought 
 home to him by the confeffion of his feveral 
 agents, and the teftimony of the deceafed 
 Leonora's attendants, together with her own 
 written declarations, whilft the poifon was 
 in operation, that though no public fentence 
 had been executed upon the criminal, it was 
 
 generally
 
 No. 90. T H E O B S E R V E R. 43 
 
 generally underftood he was either no longer in 
 exiftence, or in a fituation never to be heard 
 of any more, till roufed by the awakening 
 trump he mall be fummoned to his tremen- 
 dous laft account. As for the unhappy wi- 
 dower, it was fully figmfied to him from au- 
 thority, that his return to Spain, whether 
 upon exchange or parole, would be no longer 
 oppofed, nor had he any thing to apprehend 
 on the part of government, when he mould 
 there arrive. The fame was fignified in 
 fewer words to the exculpated Pedrofa. 
 
 Whether Don Manuel de Cafafonda will 
 in time to come avail himfelfof thefe over- 
 tures time alone can prove : As for little 
 Nicolas> whofe prize money has let him up 
 in a comfortable little fliop in Duke's Place, 
 where he breathes the veins and cleanfes the 
 .bowels of his Itraelitiilj brethren, in a land 
 of freedom and toleration, his merry heart is 
 at reft, fave only when with fire in his^ eyes, 
 and vengeance on his tongue, he anathema- 
 tizes the I-nquifition, and ftruts into the 
 fynagogue every fabbath with as bold a ftep 
 and as ered a look, as if he was himfelf 
 High Prieft of the Temple, going to per- 
 form facrifice upon the re-arTembling of the 
 fcattered tribes.
 
 44 THE OBSERVER. Xo. 9 r. 
 
 * GOOD man will live with the world as 
 a wile man lives with his wife ; he will 
 not let himielf down to be a dupe to it's 
 humours, a devotee to it's pleafurcs, or a 
 flatterer of it's faults j he will make him- 
 felf as happy as he can in the connexion for 
 his own fake, reform where he is able, and 
 complain only when he cannot help it. I 
 am fick of that converfation which fpends 
 itfelf in railing at the times we live in j I am 
 apt to think they are not made better by thofe 
 complaints, and I have oftentimes occafion 
 to know they are made worfe by thofe very 
 people who areloudefl to complain of them. 
 If this be really one of the habits of age, 
 it is high time for every man, who grows 
 old, to guard againft it ; for there is no occa- 
 fion to invite more peevifh companions for 
 the lad hours of life, than time and decre- 
 pitude will bring in their train: Let us look 
 back upon things paft with what content 
 we can, falute time prefent with the beft 
 grace we are able, and refign ourfelves to 
 
 futurity
 
 No. 91. THE OBSERVER. 45 
 
 futurity with calmnefs and a patient mind 
 Jf we do not wifh to be banimed from fo- 
 ciety before death withdraws us from it, 
 don't let us truft to the world's refpect 
 only, let us ftrive alfo to conciliate it's love. 
 But I do not wim to argue this point with 
 the feel: of the Murmur ers merely upon the 
 ground of good policy; I mould be forry 
 for the world, if I could give no better rea- 
 fon for keeping well with it than in felf-de- 
 fence : I really think it a world very eafy to 
 live with upon paflable good terms ; I am 
 free to confefs it has mended me fmce I have 
 lived with it, and I am fully of opinion it has 
 mended itfelf : I don't deny but it has it's 
 failings ; it flill cuts out work for the mo- 
 ralifts, and I am in no fear of finding fubjedt 
 matter for three more volumes of eflays, be- 
 fore I have exhaufted the duty of an Ob- 
 ftrver. However, though I have prefumed 
 upon taking up this character late in life, 
 yet I feel no provocation from what I obfervz 
 in others, or in myfelf, to turn Murmurer ; 
 I can call the time paft under my review, 
 as far back as my experience will go, and 
 comfort myfelf by the comparifon of it with 
 the time prefent ; I can turn to the authors, 
 
 who
 
 46 THE OBSERVER. No. 91. 
 
 who have delineated the manners of ages 
 antecedent to my own, without being 
 afhamed of my contemporaries, or enter- 
 taining a fuperior refpeft for their's. I can- 
 not look back to any period of our own 
 annals, of which I can confcientioufly pro- 
 nounce, according to fuch judgment as lam 
 polTerTed of, that the happinefs of fociety 
 was better fecured, and more completely 
 provided for, than at the preient moment. 
 
 This may appear fo hardy an aflertion, 
 that if the Murmur ers take the field againft 
 me, I fufped that I mall find myfelf, as I 
 frequently have done, in a very decided 
 minority ; for let the reader take notice, I 
 know the world too well to think of getting 
 popularity by defending it ; if ever I make 
 that my object, I muft run counter to my 
 own principles, and abufe many, that all may 
 read me : In the raean time I ihall make a 
 mew of fome of my defences, if it be only 
 to convince the Murmurers^ that I mall not 
 capitulate upon the firft fummons ; and I will 
 keep fome ftrong pofts mafked from their 
 view, that if they repeat their aflault, I may 
 ftill have refources in my reach. 
 
 Society is cemented by laws, upheld by 
 
 religion,
 
 No. 91. THE OBSERVER. 47 
 
 religion, endeared by manners, and adorned 
 by arts. 
 
 Let us now enquire what is the prefent 
 ftate of thefe great fundamentals of focial 
 happinefs, and whether any better period can 
 be pointed out, compared to which their 
 prefent ftate may be juftly pronounced a 
 ftate of declenfion. 
 
 The conftitution of England has under- 
 gone many changes : The monarch, the 
 nobles, and the people, have each in their 
 turn for a time deftroyed that proper ba- 
 lance, in which its excellence confifts. In 
 feudal times the ariftocratic power prepon- 
 derated, and the kingdom was torn to pieces 
 with civil diffractions. From the acceflion 
 of Henry the Seventh to the breaking out 
 of the great rebellion, the power of the 
 fovereign was all but abfolutej the rapacity 
 of that monarch, the brutality of his fuc- 
 ceflbr, the perfecuting fpirit of Mary, and 
 the imperious prerogative of Elizabeth, left 
 fcarce a fhadow of freedom in the people ; 
 and, in fpite of all the boafted glories of 
 Elizabeth's golden days, I muft doubt if 
 any nation can be happy, whofe lives and 
 properties were no better fecured than thofe 
 
 of
 
 4& THE OB SERVER. No. 91. 
 
 of her fubjects actually were : In all this 
 period, the moft tranquil moments are to be 
 found in the peaceful reign of James the 
 Firft ; yet even then the king's jus di-vinum 
 was at it's height, and totally overturned 
 the fcale and equipoile of the conftitution. 
 What followed in Charles's day I need not 
 dwell upon ; a revolution enfued ; monarchy 
 was fhaken to it's foundations, and in the 
 general fermentation and concuflion of af- 
 fairs, the very dregs of the people were thrown 
 up into power, and all was anarchy, (laughter 
 and opprcflion. From the Reftoration to the 
 Revolution we contemplate a period full of 
 trouble, and, for the moft part, ftained with 
 the deepeft difgrace ; a penfioned monarch, 
 an abandoned court, and a licentious peo- 
 ple : The abdication, or, more properly, the 
 expulfion of a royal bigot, fet the conftitu- 
 tion upon it's bottom, but it left the minds 
 of men in a ferment that could not fpeedily 
 fubfide j antient loyalty and high monarchical 
 principles were not to be filenced at once by 
 the peremptory fiat of an act of parliament j 
 men ftill harboured them in their heart?, 
 and popery, three times expelled, was ftill 
 upon the watch, and fecretly whetting her 
 
 weapons
 
 No.^i. THE OBSERVER. 49 
 
 weapons for a fourth attempt. Was this a pe- 
 riod of focial happinefs ? The fucceflion of 
 the houfe of Hanover flill left a pretender to 
 the throne ; and though the character of the 
 new fovereign had every requifite of temper 
 and judgment for conciliating his go- 
 vernment, yet the old leaven was not ex- 
 haufled, frelh revolutions were atteinpted, 
 and the nation felt a painful repetition of it's 
 former forrows. 
 
 , So far therefore as the happinefs of fqciety 
 depends upon the fecure eftabliihment of 
 the conflitution, the jufl adminiftration of 
 the laws, the flricl and corrcd ^afcertain- 
 ment of thefubjecls rights, and thofe facred 
 and inviolable privileges as to perfon and 
 property, which every manamongit us can 
 now -de fine, and no man living dares to dif- 
 pute, fo far .we muft acknowledge that the 
 times we live in, are happier times than ever 
 fell to the lot of our anceftors, and if we 
 complain of them, it muft be on account of 
 fomcthing which has not yet come under 
 our review ; we will therefore proceed to the 
 next point, and take the prefent date of 
 religion into our confideration. 
 
 ' Religious feuds are fo terrible in their con- 
 VOL. IV. D fequences,
 
 50 THE OBSERVER. No, 91. 
 
 fequences, and the peace of this Icingdom 
 has been fo often deftroyed by the furiouf- 
 nefs of zealots and . enthufi ails, ftruggling 
 for church-eftablifhment, and perfecuting in 
 their turns the fallen party without mercy, 
 that the tranquillity we now enjoy, (greater, 
 as I believe, than in any time paft, but cer- 
 tainly as great) is of itfelf fufHcient to put 
 the modern murmurer to lilence. To fub- 
 ilantiate my aflertion, let me refer to the 
 rifmg fpirit of toleration ; wherever that 
 blefled fpirit prevails, it prevails for the ho- 
 nour of man's nature, for the enlargement of 
 his heart, and for the augmentation of his 
 focial happinefs. Whilft we were contend- 
 ing for our own rights, felf-defence compel- 
 led us to keep oifthe encroachments of others^ 
 that were hoflile to thofe rights - 3 but thefe 
 being firmly eflablifhed, we are no longer 
 warranted to hang the fword of the law over 
 the head of religion, and opprefs our feced- 
 ing fellow-fubjefts. Is there any juft rea- 
 fon to complain of our eifablifhed clergy in 
 their collective character ? If they do not 
 ftun us with controverfies, it is becaufe they 
 underftand the fpirit of their religion better 
 than to engage in them : The publications 
 K of
 
 No. 91. THE OBSERVER. 51 
 
 of the pulpit are ftill numerous, and if they 
 have dropt their high inflammatory tone, it 
 is to the'honour of Chriftianity that they 
 have fo done, and taken up a milder, meeker 
 language in it's ftead. As for the practice 
 of religion, it is not in my prefent argument 
 to fpeak of that ; my bufinefs is only to ap- 
 peal to it as an eilablifhment, eflential to 
 the fupport and happinefs of fociety ; and 
 when we reflect how often in times pall it 
 has been made an engine for fubverting that 
 tranquillity and good oYcler in the ftate, 
 which it now peaceably upholds, I think it 
 will be clear to every candid man, that this 
 cannot be one of the caufes of complaint 
 and murmur againfi the prefent times. , 
 
 The Manners of the age we live in is the 
 next ppint I am to review ; and if I am 
 to bring this into any decent compafs, I 
 mull rejed many things out of the account, 
 that would make for my argument, and 
 ipeak very briefly upon all others. 
 
 To compare the manners of one age with 
 thofe of another, we muft begin by calling 
 to remembrance the changes that may have 
 been made in our own time, (if we have lived 
 long enough to be witnefles of any) or we 
 - D z muft
 
 $* T H E O B S E R tf E R. No. 91. 
 
 inufl take them upon tradition, or guefs at 
 them by the writings of thofe who defcribe 
 them : The comic poets are in general 
 good defcribers of the living manners, and 
 of all dramatic painters in this clafs Ben 
 Jonfon is decidedly the befl. In the mirror 
 of the flage we have die reflection of the 
 times through all their changes, from the 
 reign of Elizabeth to that of Anne, with an 
 exception to the days of Oliver, of which 
 interval, if there was no other delineation of 
 the reigning manners than what we find in 
 the annals of Whitelocke, and Clarendon, we 
 fhould be at no lofs to form our judgment 
 of them. I flop at the age of queen Anne, 
 becaufe it was then that Sir Richard Steele 
 and Mr. Addifon began to fpread their pal- 
 Jets, and when they had compleated IJie 
 Spectator, nobody will difpute their having 
 given a very finifhed pourtrait of the age 
 they lived in. Where they flop tradition 
 may begin ; fo that I think an obferving 
 man, with. all thefe aids, and no (hort expe- 
 rience .of his own to help them <out, may 
 form a pretty clofe cdmparifon in his .own 
 thoughts upon the fubjecl:. 
 
 Here I muft, remind the reader that I am 
 
 fpeaking
 
 No. 9 i. THE OBSERVER. 53 
 
 fpeaking of manners as they refpect fociety. 
 Now we can readily refer to certain times 
 paft, when ther manners of men in this 
 country were infuf&rably boiilerous and un- 
 poliihed; we can point to the period, when 
 they were as notorioufly referved, gloomy, 
 dark and fanatical ; we know when proili- 
 gacy threw off all appearances, and libertinifm 
 went, naked as it were into all focieties ; we 
 ean tell when pedantry was in general fafhi- 
 n, when duelling was the rage, and the 
 point of honour was to be defined by a chain 
 ef logic that would have puzzled Ariftotle ; 
 we can turn to the time,' when it was repu- 
 table to get drunk, and when the fine gen- 
 tleman of the comedy entertains his miftrefs 
 with his feats over the bottle, and recom- 
 mends hinifelf to her good graces byf\vearing, 
 bluftering, and beating up the watch : W.e 
 know there are fuch words in the language as 
 fop and beau, and fome can remember them 
 in daily ufej ninny are yet living, who have had 
 their full-bottomed wigs .brought home in a 
 chair, and many an old lady now crouds her- 
 felf into a corner, who once hooped herfelf in a 
 circle hardly lefs than Arthur's round tablet 
 Here I may be told that drefs is not man- 
 D 3 nersj
 
 ?4 THE OBSERVER. No. 9:. 
 
 nersj but I mufh contend that the manners 
 of a man in a full-bottomed wig muft par- 
 take Something of the ftiffnefs of the bar- 
 ber's buckle ; nor do I fee how he can walk 
 on foot at his eafe, when his wig goes in a 
 chair. How many of us can call to mind 
 the day, when it was "a mark of good : breed- 
 - ing to cram a poor furfeited gueft to the 
 throat, and the moft focial hours of life 
 were thrown away in a continual inter- 
 change of felicitations and apologies ? What 
 a flroke upon the nerves of a mod eft man 
 was it then to make his firft approaches, and 
 perform his awkward reverences to a folemn 
 circle all riling on their legs at the aweful 
 moment of his entry ! and what was his 
 condition at departing, when, after having 
 performed the fame tremendous ceremonies, 
 he faw his retreat cut off by a double row 
 of guards in livery, to every one of whom 
 he was to pay a toll for free paffage ! A man 
 will now find his fuperiors more acceflible, 
 his equals more at their eafe, and his infe- 
 riors more mannerly than in any time paft. 
 The effects of public education, travel and 
 a general intercourse with mankind, the 
 great influx of foreigners, the variety of 
 
 public
 
 No. 91. THE OBSERVER. $$ 
 
 public amufements, where all ranks and de- 
 grees meet promifcuoufly, the conftant re- 
 ibrt to bathing and water-drinking places in 
 the fummer, and above all the company of 
 the fair fex, who mix fo much more in 
 fociety than heretofore, have, with many 
 other confpiring caufes, altogether produced 
 iuch an eafe and fuavity of manners through- 
 out the nation, as have totally changed the 
 face of fociety, and levelled all thofe bars 
 and barriers, which made the approaches to 
 what was called good company fo trouble- 
 fome, and obflrufted the intercourfe be- 
 tween man and man. Here then I (hall 
 conclude upon this topic, and pafs to the 
 Arts, which I faid were the ornaments of 
 fociety. 
 
 As I am perfuaded my argument will not 
 be contefted in this quarter, I need fpend 
 few words upon fo clear a point. If ever 
 this country faw an age of artifts, it is the 
 prefent ; Italy, Spain, Flanders and France 
 have had their turn, but they are now in no 
 capacity to difpute the palm, and England 
 {lands without a rival ; her painters, fculp- 
 tor s and engravers are now the only fchools, 
 properly fo called, in Europe j Rome will 
 D 4 bear
 
 56 THE OBSERVER. No. 9*. 
 
 bear witnefs that the Englifh artifls are as 
 fuperior in talents as they are in numbers to 
 thofe of all nations befides. I referve the 
 mention of her architects as a feparate clafs, 
 that I may for once break in upon my gene- 
 ral rule, by indulging myfelf in a prediction, 
 (upon which I am willing to flake all my 
 credit with the reader) that when the modefl 
 genius of a Harrifon mail be brought into 
 fuller difplay, England will have to boafl 
 of a native architect, which the .brightefl 
 age of Greece would glory to acknow- 
 ledge. 
 
 No. XCII. 
 v To the OBSERVER. 
 
 Etiam morttitts loquitur* 
 
 SIR, 
 
 TF I am rightly advifed, the laws of Eng- 
 land have provided no remedy for an in- 
 jury, which I have received from a certain 
 gentleman, who fets me at defiance, and 
 
 whom
 
 No. 92. THE OBSERVER. $? 
 
 whom I am not confcious of having offend- 
 ed in the fmalleft article in life. My cafe ' 
 is as follows : Some time ago I went into the 
 South of France for the recovery of my 
 health, which (thank God) I have fo far ef- 
 feded, that I fnould think I was at this very 
 moment enjoying as good a flock of fpirits 
 and flrength, as I have enjoyed for many years 
 of my life paft, if I was not outfaced by the 
 gentleman in q.ueftion, who fwears I am 
 dead, and has proceeded fo far as to publim 
 me dead to all the world, -with a whole vo- 
 lume of memoirs which I have no remem- 
 brance of, and of fay ings which I never {aid. 
 
 I think this is very hard upon me, and if 
 there is no redrefs for fuch proceedings, but 
 that a man muft be jyinted dead, whenever 
 any fanciful fellow chufes to write a book of 
 memoirs, I mufj: take the freedom to fay . . 
 this is no country to live in ; and let my in- 
 genious biographer take it how he will., I 
 mall ftill maintain to his face that I am 
 alive, and I do nat fee why my word in fuch 
 a cafe mould not go as far as his. 
 
 There is yet another thing I will venture 
 
 to fay, that I did never in the whole courfe of 
 
 my life utter one half or even one tenth part of 
 
 D 5 the
 
 58 THE OBSERVER. No. 92. 
 
 the fmart repartees and bon-mots he is 
 pleafed to impute to me : I don't know 
 what he means by laying fuch things at my 
 defTr ; I defy any one of my acquaintance to 
 fay I was a wit, which I always confidered as 
 another name for an ill-tempered fellow. I 
 do acknowledge that I have lived upon 
 terms of acquaintance with my biographer, 
 and have paired fome focial hours in his 
 company, but I never fufpected he was mi- 
 nuting down every foolim thing, that efcap- 
 ed my lips in the unguarded moments of 
 convivial gaiety; if I had, I would have 
 avoided him like the peflilence. It is hard 
 upon a man, let me tell you, Sir, very hard 
 indeed, to find his follies upon record, and 
 I could almoft wim his words were true, 
 and that I were dead in earned, rather than 
 alive to read fuch nonfenfe, and find myfelf 
 made the father of it. 
 
 Judge of my furprife, when palling along 
 Vigo-lane upon a friendly call, as I intend- 
 ed it, to this very gentleman of whom 
 I complain, I took up a volume from a flail 
 in a whitey-brown paper binding, and open- 
 ing it at the title-page met my own face, flar- 
 ing me out of countenance full in the front : 
 
 I darted
 
 No. 9 z. THE OBSERVER, & 
 
 I flatted back with horror; nature never 
 gave me any reafon to be fond of my own 
 features ; I never furvey my face but when 
 I (have myfelf, and then I am amamed 
 of it ; I truft it is no true type of my 
 heart, for it is a forry fample of nature's 
 handy-work, to fay no worfe of it. What 
 the devil tempted him to flick it there I 
 cannot guefs, any more than I can at his 
 publifhing a bundle of nonfenficaj fayings 
 and doings, which I detefl and difavow. 
 As for his printing my laft will and tefla- 
 ment, and difpofmg of my poor perfonals 
 at pleafure, I care little about it -, if he had 
 taken only my money and (pared my life, I 
 would not have complained. 
 
 And now what is my redrefs ? I apply 
 myfelf to you in my diflrefs, as an author 
 whofe book is in pretty general circulation, 
 and one, as I perceive, who aflaults no man's 
 living fame and character ; I defire therefore 
 you will take mine into your protection, 
 and if you can think of any thing to deter 
 the world in future from fuch flippancies, 
 you are welcome to make what ufe you 
 pleafe of this letter ; for as I have always 
 ftipve to do what little fervice I could to 
 D 6 the
 
 66 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 9*. 
 
 the .living, when 1 was allowed to be one of 
 their number, fo now I am voted out of 
 their company, I would gladly be of fonte 
 ufe to the dead. 
 
 Your's whilft I lived, 
 
 H. POSTHUMOUS, 
 
 P. S. I am forry I did not leave you fome- 
 tliing in my will, as I believe you deferve it 
 as well, and want it more than fome that are 
 in it. If I live to die a fecond time, T will 
 be fure- to remember you. 
 
 As I am not verfed in the law of libels, I 
 know not what advice to give in Pofthu- 
 mous's cafe, whom I. would by no means 
 wifh to fee entangled in further difficulties j 
 though I think he might fairly fay to his 
 biographer with a courtly poet of "this 
 century,, 
 
 On ! libel me with all tilings but tly praife! 
 
 The practice which fome of our public 
 news-writers are in, of treating their readers 
 with a farrago of puerile anecdotes and fcraps 
 of characters, has probably led the way to 
 a very foolifh fafhion, which is gaining 
 ground amongft us : No fooner does a great 
 
 man
 
 No. 92. THE OBSERVER. 6r 
 
 man die, than the fmall wits creep into his 
 coffin, like the fwarm of. bees in the carcafe 
 of Sampfon's lion, to make honey from his 
 corpfe. It is high time that the good fenfe 
 of the nation fliould correct this imperti- 
 nence. 
 
 I have availed myfelf of Pofthumous's 
 permiffion to publifh his letter, and I mail 
 without fcruple fubjoin to it one of a very 
 different fort, which I have received from a 
 correfpondent, whofe name I do not mean 
 to expofe ; it is with fome reluctance I in- 
 troduce it into this work, becaufe it brings 
 a certain perfon on the ftage, whom I have 
 no defire to exhibit oftener than I can help j 
 but as I think it will be a confolation to 
 Poflhumous to mew him others in the fame 
 hazard with himfelf, I hope my readers will 
 let it pafs with this apology. 
 
 To the OBSERVER. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I am. a man, who fay a great many good 
 things myfelf, and hear many good things 
 faid by others ; for I frequent clubs 
 and coffee- rooms 'in all parts of the town, 
 
 attend
 
 62 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 92, 
 
 attend the pleadings in Weftminfter Hall, 
 am remarkably fond of the company of 
 men of genius, and never mifs a dinner at 
 the Manlion Houfe upon my Lord Mayor's 
 day. 
 
 I am in the habit of committing to paper 
 every thing of this fort, whether it is of my 
 own faying, or any other perfon's, when I 
 am convinced I myfelf mould have faid it, if 
 he had not : Thefe I call my confcientious 
 witticiirns, and give them a leaf in my com- 
 mon-place book to themfelves. 
 
 I have the pleafure to tell you, that my col- 
 lection is now become not only confiderable 
 in bulk, but, (that I may fpeak humbly of 
 it's merit) I will alfo fay, that it is to the 
 full as good, and far more creditable to 
 any gentleman's character, than the books 
 which have been publifhed about a certain 
 great wit lately deceafed, whofe memory 
 has been fo completely diffected by the 
 operators in Stationers Hall. 
 
 Though I have as much refpect for pofte- 
 rity as any man can entertain for perfons he 
 is not acquainted with, (till I cannot under- 
 Hand how a pofl-obit of this fort can profit 
 me in my life, unlefs I could make it over 
 
 to
 
 No. $3. THE OBSERVER. 65 
 
 to fome purchafer upon beneficial condi- 
 tions. Now, as there are people in the 
 world, who have done many famous actions, 
 without having once uttered a real good 
 thing, as it is called, I fhould think my col- 
 lection might be an acceptable purchafe to 
 a gentleman of this defcription, and fuch an 
 one mould have it a bargain, as I would be 
 very glad to give a finiming to his charac- 
 ter, which I can beft compare to a coat of 
 Adams's plaiiler on a well-built houfe. 
 
 For my own part, being neither more nor 
 lefs than a haberdafher of fmall wares, and 
 having fcarcely rambled beyond the boun- 
 daries of the bills of mortality, fmce I was 
 out of my apprenticefhip, I have not the 
 prefumption to think the anecdotes of my 
 own life important enough for pofthumous 
 publication ; neither do I fuppofe my writ- 
 ings, (though pretty numerous, as my books 
 will teftify, and many great names ftanding 
 amongil them, which it is probable I mall 
 never crofs out,) will be thought fo intereft- 
 ing to the public, as to come into compe- 
 tition with the lively memoirs of a Bellamy 
 and a Eaddeley^ who furnifh fo many agree- 
 able records of many noble families, and are 
 
 the
 
 64 THE OBSERVER. No. 92. 
 
 the folace of more than half the toilets in 
 town and country. 
 
 But to come more clofely to the chief 
 purport of this letter It was about a fort- 
 night ago, that I crofled upon you in the 
 Poultry near the mop-door of your worthy 
 bookfeller : I could not help giving a glance 
 at your looks, and methought there was a 
 morbid fallownefs in your complexion, and 
 a fickly langour in your eye, that indicated 
 fpeedy duTolution : I watched you for fome 
 time, and as you turned into the fhop re- 
 marked the total want of energy in your ftep. 
 1 know whom I am faying this to, and there- 
 fore am not afraid of ftartling you by my 
 obfervations, but if you actually perceive 
 thofe threatening fymptoms, which I took 
 notice of, it may probably be your wifh to 
 lay in fome ftore for a journey you are foon 
 to take. You have always been a friend and 
 cuflomer to me, -and there is nobody I mail 
 more readily ferve than yourfelf : I have 
 long noticed with regret the very little fa- 
 vour you receive from your contemporaries, 
 and ihall gladly contribute to your kinder 
 reception from pofterity ; now I flatter my- 
 felf, if you adopt my collection, you will at 
 
 leaft
 
 No. 92. THE OBSERVER. 6$ 
 
 lead be celebrated for your faying^ whatever 
 may become of your writings. 
 
 As for your private hiftory, if I may guefs 
 from certain events, which have been re- 
 ported to me, you may, with a little allow- 
 able embellimment, make up a decent life 
 of it. It was with great pleafure I heard 
 t'other day, that you was ftabbed by a monk 
 in Portugal, broke your limbs in Spain,, and 
 was poifoned with a fallad at Paris ; thefe, 
 with your adventures at fea, your fufferings 
 at Bayonne, and the treatment you received 
 from your employers on your return, will 
 be amufing anecdotes, and as it is generally 
 fuppofed you have not amafled aay very 
 great fortune by the plunder of the public, 
 your narrative will be read without raifmg 
 any envy in the reader, which will be fo 
 much in your favour. Still your chief depen- 
 dance mud reft upon the collection I mall 
 . fupply you with, and when the world comes 
 to underftand how many excellent things you 
 faid, and how much more wit you had than 
 any of your contemporaries gave you credit 
 for, they will begin to think you. had not 
 fair play whilft you was alive, and who knows 
 but they may take it in mind to raife a ma- 
 ny meat.
 
 66 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 9S , 
 
 nument to you by fubfcription arnongft other 
 merry fellows of your day ? 
 
 I am your's, 
 
 H. B. 
 
 I defire my correfpondent will accept this 
 mort but ferious anfwer : If I am fo near 
 the end of life, as he fuppofes, it will behove 
 me to wind it up in another manner from 
 what he fuggefls : I therefore (hall not treat 
 with my friend the haberdafher for his fmatt" 
 wares. 
 
 No. XCIIL 
 
 ffiy ti/ai, x 
 
 (DEMOCRATS*.} 
 
 * c Remember only that your words be true, 
 " No matter then how many or how few" 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 T HAVE a habit of dealing in the marvel- 
 lous, which I cannot overcome : Some 
 people, who feem to take a pleafure in mag- 
 
 nifying
 
 Na. 93. THE OBSERVER. 67 
 
 nifying the little flaws to be found in all 
 characters, call this by a name which- no gen- 
 tleman ought to ufe, or likes to hear : The 
 fad is, I have fo much tender confideration 
 for Truth in her ftate of nakednefs, that, 
 till I have put her into decent cloathing, I 
 cannot think of bringing her into company ; 
 and if her appearance is fometimes fo much 
 altered by drefs, that her beft friends cannot 
 find her out, am I to blame for that ? 
 
 There is a matter-of-fact man of my ac- 
 quaintance, who haunts me in all places, and 
 is the very torment of my life ; he flicks to 
 me as the thremer does to the whale, and is 
 the perfect night -mare of my imagination ;. 
 This fellow never lets one of my ftories pafs 
 without docking it like an attorney's bill 
 before a mafter in chancery : He cut forty 
 miles out of a journey of one hundred, which 
 but for him I had performed in one day 
 upon the fame horfe ; in which I confefs I 
 had ftretched a point for the pleafure . of 
 out-riding a fat fellow in company, who, by 
 the malicious veracity of my aforeiaid Dam- 
 per, threw me at leaft ten miles diftance be- 
 hind him. 
 
 This provoking animal cut up my fuc- 
 
 cefs
 
 6R T H E O B S E R V E R. No. $j. 
 
 cefs in fo many intrigues and adventures, 
 that I was determined to lay my plan out of 
 his reach, in a fpot which I had provided for 
 an evil day, and accordingly I led him a 
 dance into Corfica, where I was fure he 
 could not follow me : Here I had certainly 
 been, and knew my ground well enough to 
 prance over it at a very handfome rate : I 
 noticed a kind of fly leer in fome of the com- 
 pany, which was pointed towards a gentle- 
 man prefent, who was a flranger to me, and 
 fb far from joining in the titter was very po- 
 litely attentive to what I was relating. I was 
 at this moment warm in the caufe of free- 
 dom, and had performed fuch prodigies of 
 valour in its defence, that, before my ftory , 
 was well ended I had got upon fuch clofe 
 terms with General Paoli, that, had my 
 hearers been but half as credulous as they 
 ought to have been, they might have fet us 
 down for fworn friends and infeparables : But 
 here again, as ill luck would have it, my 
 evil genius tapt me on the moulder, and 
 remarking that I principally addrefied my- 
 felf to the gentleman, whofe politenefs and 
 attention were fo flattering, faid to me with. 
 a fmile, that had the malice of the devil, in 
 
 it
 
 No. 9 3- THE OBSERVER. 6$ 
 
 it " Give me leave to introduce you to 
 " General Paoli here preient." Death and 
 confufion, what I felt ! a flroke of lightning 
 would have been chanty compared to this. 
 My perfecutor had not done wit'h me. "I 
 " am afraid you have forgot your old friend 
 " and familiar, who no doubt will be over- 
 joyed at recognizing a brother - warrior, 
 " who has performed fuch noble fervices 
 " jointly with himfelf in the glorious ftrug- 
 " gle for the liberties of his beloved coun- 
 " try." Can I paint the fhame I fuffered 
 at this moment ? It is impoflible , I can 
 cnly fay there is a generofity in true valour, 
 which fcorns to triumph over the fallen,^- 
 " There were fo many brave men," (faid 
 that gallant perfon in a tone I (hall never 
 lofe the impreffion of) " of whofc fervices I 
 " lliall ever preferve a grateful memory, but 
 " whole perfons have ilipt from my recol- 
 " lection, that I have only to .entreat your 
 " pardon for a forgetfulnefs, which I defire 
 " you to believe is not my fault, but my in- 
 " nrmity," If a bottle had been vollied at 
 my head, I could not have been more ia 
 need of a furgeon, than I was at this inftant : 
 I could never have fufpe&ed Truth of play- 
 ing
 
 70 THE OBSERVER, No. 93 > 
 
 ing me fuch a jade's trick ; I always con- 
 fidered her as a good-natured fimple creature 
 without gall or bitternefs, and was in the 
 habit of treating her accordingly; but this 
 Avas fuch a fpecimen of her malice, that 
 I fled out of her company as haflily as I 
 could. 
 
 The very next morning I took my paflage 
 in the flage-coach for my native town in 
 the north of England, heartily out of hu- 
 mour with my trip to Corficaj but even 
 here I could not make off old habits, fo far 
 as to refill the temptation of getting into a 
 pofl-chaife for the lafl ftage, by which 
 manoeuvre I took the credit of having tra- 
 velled like a gentleman, and became intitled 
 to rail againft the poft-tax and the expences 
 of the road. 
 
 I was now voted into a club of the chief 
 inhabitants of the place, and as I had no 
 reafon to believe the ftory of my late difcom- 
 fiture had reached them, I foon recovered 
 my fpirits, and with them the amplifying 
 powers of my invention. My flories for a 
 confiderable time were fwallowed fo glibly, 
 and feemed to fit fo eafy on the ftomachs of 
 thefe natural, unfophiflicated people, that I 
 
 was
 
 No. 93- THE OBSERVER. 71 
 
 was encouraged to encreafe the dofe to fuck 
 a degree, as feemed at length to produce 
 fomething like a naufea with thofe I admi- 
 niflered it to : efpecially with a certain pre- 
 cife perfonage of the feel: of Quakers, one 
 Simon Stiff \ a wealthy trader, and much re- 
 fpected for his probity and fair-dealing. Si- 
 mon had a way of afking me at the end of a 
 ftor-y But is it true ? which fometimes 
 difconcerted me, and confiderably leffened 
 the applaufes that the reft of the club had 
 been accuftomed to beflow upon my nar- 
 ratives. 
 
 One" evening, when I had been defcribing 
 an enormous mark, by which I had been at- 
 tacked in one of my Weft- India voyages, 
 Simon Stiff, lifting up both his hands in an 
 attitude of aftonifhment, cried out " Ve- 
 " rily friend Cracker, thou draweft a long 
 " bow." With an angry look I demanded 
 the meaning of that expreffion. " I mean," 
 replied Simon, " thou fpeakeft the thing 
 " which is not." " That is as much as to 
 " fay I tell a lie." " Even fo, friend, thou 
 * ( haft hit it," faid Simon without altering his 
 voice, or regarding the tone of rage I had 
 thrown mine into : The fteady ferenity of 
 
 his
 
 ya THE OBSERVER, No. 93. 
 
 his countenance put me down, and I fuffered 
 him to proceed without interruption 
 " Thou haft told us many things, friend 
 " Cracker , that are perfectly incredible ; 
 " were I to attempt "impofmg upon my cuf- 
 " tomers in the way of traffic, as thou doft 
 " upon thy company in the way of talk, 
 " the world would juftly fet me down for a 
 " clilhoneft man. Believe me, thpu mayeft 
 " be a very good companion without fwerr- 
 " ing from the truth, nay, thou canft no 
 " otherwife be a good one than by adhering 
 " to it ; for if thou art in' the practice of ut- 
 " tering falfehoods, we fhall be in the prac- 
 " tice of disbelieving thee, even when thou 
 " fpeakeft the truth, and fo. there will be an 
 " end of all confidence in fociety, and thy 
 " word will pafs for nothing. I have ob- 
 " ferved it is thy vanity that betrays thee 
 '* into falfehood ; I mould have hoped thou 
 " wou'dft not have forgotten how thy falfe- 
 " hood betrayed thee into fliame, and how 
 " we received and welcomed thee into our 
 " fociety, when thy friends in the metropo- 
 " lis had hooted thee out of their's. Think 
 " not thou canfh eftablifli a credit with us by 
 " the fictions of imagination ; plain tru'tiis 
 
 " fuit
 
 No. 93. THE OBSERVER. 73 
 
 " fuit men of plain underftandings. Had 
 " thy fliark been as big again as thou wou'dfl 
 " have us believe it was, what wou'dft thou 
 " have gained by it ? Nothing but the 
 " merit of having feen a monfter ; and what 
 " is that compared to the rifque of being 
 "*' thought a monfter-maker ? If thou waft 
 " fnatched from the jaws of the animal by 
 *' the hand of God, give God the praife : It 
 " thine own courage and addrefs contribut- 
 " ed to fave thee, give Him ftill the praife, 
 ** who infpired thee with thofe means of 
 " furthering his providence in thy refcue : 
 " Where is the ground for boafting in all 
 44 this? Sometimes thou wou'dft perfuade 
 44 us thou art a man of confequence, in the 
 " favour of princes, and in the fecrets of 
 " minifters : If we are to believe all this, 
 " thou doft but libel thofe minifters for let- 
 ** ting fuch a babbler into their councils, and 
 " if thou thinkeft to gain a confequenc*e 
 ' 4i with us thereby, thou art grievoufly de- 
 " ceived, friend Cracker, for we do not want 
 " to know what thou oughteft not to tell, 
 " and we defpife the iervant who betrayeth 
 " his mafter*s truft. As for wonders, what 
 " fignifieth telling us of them ? The time 
 VOL. IV. E " is
 
 7* THE OBSERVER. No. 95. 
 
 " is full of wonders ; the revolution of em- 
 * l pires, the fall of defpotifm, and the eman- 
 ff cipation of mankind, are objects, whole 
 " fuperior magnitude makes thy fliark 
 " fhrink into an atom. Had the monfter 
 4< gorg'd thee at a mouthful, how many 
 " thoufands, nay tens of thoufands, have 
 " the voracious jaws of death devoured in a 
 ** fucceffion of campaigns, which have made 
 *' creation melt ? Didft thou efcape the 
 " monfter ? what then ; how can we have 
 " leifure to reflect upon thy fingle deliver- 
 " ance, when we call to mii&d the numbers 
 ** of defparring captives, who have been 
 " liberated from the dungeons of tyranny ? 
 *' In a word, friend Cracker, if it is through 
 " a love for the marvellous thou makeft fo 
 44 free with the facred name of truth, thou 
 " doft but abufe our patience and thine own 
 " time in hunting after {harks and monfters 
 " of the deep ; and if thou haft any other 
 " motive for fiction than the above, it muft 
 "be a motive lefs innocent than what ( have 
 *' fuppofed, and in that cafe we hold thee 
 " dangerous to faciety and adifgrace to hu- 
 >4 man nature." 
 
 Here he concluded,, and though the length 
 
 and
 
 No. 93. THE OBSERVER. 75 
 
 and deliberate folemnity of his harangue had 
 given me time enough, yet I had not fo 
 availed myfelf of it as to colled my thoughts, 
 and prepare myfelf for any kind of defence : 
 How to deal with this formal old fellow I 
 knew not -, to cudgel him was a fervice of 
 more danger than I faw fit to engage in, for 
 he was of athletic limbs and ftature ; to 
 challenge him to a gentleman's fatisfaction, 
 being a Quaker, would have fubjected me to 
 univerfal ridicule : I rofe from my chair, took 
 my hat from the p^g, and abruptly quitted 
 the room : Next morning I fentto cut my 
 name out of the club, but behold ! they had 
 faved me that ceremony over-night, and I 
 had once more a new fet of acquaintance to 
 go in fearch of. 
 
 In this folitary interim I drove to lighten 
 the burthen of time byftarting acorrefpond- 
 ence with one of our public prints, and fo 
 long as I fupplied it with anecdotes from the 
 country, I may fay without vanity there 
 was neither fire nor flood, murder, rape nor 
 robbery wanting to embellifh it : I broke two 
 or three necks at a horfe-race without any 
 detriment to the community, and for the 
 amufement of my, renders drove over blind 
 E 2 beggars,
 
 ?6 THE OB SERVER. No. 93. 
 
 beggars, drowned drunken farmers, and 
 tofied women with child by mad bullocks, 
 without adding one item to the bills of mor- 
 tality; I made matches without number 
 :which the regifter never recorded ; I was at 
 the fame time a correfpondent at Bruflels, a 
 refident in Spain, and a traveller at Conftan- 
 rtinople, who gave fecret information of all 
 proceedings in thofe feveral places, and by 
 the myfterious ftile in which I enveloped 
 ,my difpatches, nobody could fix a falfehood 
 on my intelligence, till J imprudently fought 
 a battle on the banks of the Danube, after 
 the armies were gone into winter quarters, 
 /which did the Turk no mifchief, and effec- 
 tually blafled me with the compiler, and 
 .him with the public. 
 
 I am now out of bufmefs, and, if you 
 want any thing in my way to enliven your 
 .Observers, (which give me leave to remark 
 ,are fometimes rather of the dulleft) I mail 
 ,be proud to ferve yoy, being 
 
 Your very humble fervant, 
 .at command, 
 
 KIT CRACKER. 
 A r . B. I
 
 .So. 94- THE OBSERVER, 7 y 
 
 N. B. I do not want any thing ia Kit 
 Cracker's way ; but though I decline the 
 offer of his afliftance r I willingly avail 
 myfelf of- the moral of his example,,. 
 
 No. XCIV. 
 
 KVTOV aAvnrov then. 
 DEMOPHILI SENTENTIA. 
 
 " He, who another's peace annoys, 
 " By the lame act his own deftroys.'" 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 A s I have lived long enough to repent of 
 " a fatal propenfity, that has led me to 
 commit many offences, not the lefs irkfome 
 to my prefent feelings for the fecrecy with 
 which I contrived to execute them, and as 
 thefe can now be no otherwife atoned for 
 than by a frank confeffion, I have refolved 
 upon this mode of add refling myfelf to you. 
 Few people chufe to difplay their own cha- 
 rafters to the world in fuch colours as I mail 
 give to mine, but as I have mangled fo- 
 E 3 many
 
 ?8 T H O B S E R V E R. No. 94, 
 
 many reputations in my time without 
 mercy, I mould be the meaneft of mankind 
 if I fpared my own ; and being now about 
 to fpeak of a perfon \vhom no man loves, 
 I may give vent to an acrimony at which 
 no man can take offence. If I have been 
 troublefome to others, I am no lefs uncom- 
 fortable to myfelf, and amidft vexations 
 without number, the greateftcf all is, that 
 there is not one which does not originate 
 from myfelf. 
 
 I entered upon life with many advantages 
 natural and acquired ; I am indebted to my 
 parents for a liberal education, and to na- 
 ture for no contemptible fhare of talents : 
 my propenfities were not fuch as betrayed 
 me into diffipation and extravagance : my 
 mind was habitually of a ftudious caft; I 
 had a paffion for books, and began to col- 
 left them at an early period of my life : to 
 them I devoted the great eft portion of my 
 time, and had my vanity been of a fort to 
 be contented with the literary credit I had 
 now acquired, I had been happy ; but I 
 was ambitious of convincing the world, I 
 was not the idle owner of weapons which 
 I did not know the ufe of; I feized every
 
 No. 94- TH OB S'ERVER. 79 
 
 fafe opportunity of making my pretenfions 
 refpe&ed by fuch dabblers in the belles 
 lettres who paid court to me, and as I was 
 ever cautious of ftepping an inch beyond 
 my tether on thefe occafions, 1 foon found 
 myfelf credited for more learning than my 
 real flock amounted to. I received all vifi- 
 tors in my library, affected a fludious air, 
 and took care- to furnifh my table with vo- 
 lumes of a fele6t fort : upon, thefe I was 1 
 prepared to defcant, if by chance a curious 
 friend took up any one of them, and as there- 
 is little fame to be got by treading in the 
 beaten track of popular opinion, I fome- 
 times took the liberty to be eccentric and 
 paradoxical in my criticifms and cavils, 
 which gained me great refpect from the ig- 
 norant, (for upon fuch only I took care to 
 practife this chicanery) fo that in a fhort 
 time I became a fovereign dictator within a 
 certain fet, who looked up to- me for fecond- 
 hand opinions in ail matters of literary tafle, 
 and faw myfelf inaugurated by my flatterers 
 cenfor of all new publications. 
 
 My trumpeters had now made fuch a 
 
 noife in the world, that I began to be in 
 
 great requeft, and men of real literature laid 
 
 E 4. out
 
 So T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 94. 
 
 out for my acquaintance ; but here I acted 
 with a coldnefs, that was in me conftitu- 
 tional as well as prudential : I was re- 
 folved not to rifk my laurels, and throw 
 away the fruits of a triumph fo cheaply 
 purchafed : felicitations, that would have 
 flattered others, only alarmed me ; fuch 
 was not the fociety I delighted in ; againft 
 fuch attacks I entrenched myfelf with the 
 moft jealous caution : If however by acci- 
 dent I was drawn out of my faftneffes, and 
 trapped unawares into an ambufcade of 
 wicked wits, I armed myfelf to meet them 
 with a triple tier of fmiles j I primed my 
 lips with fuch a ready charge of flattery, 
 that when I had once engaged them in the 
 pleaiing contemplation of their own merits, 
 they were feldom difpofed to fcrutinize into 
 mine, and thus in general I contrived to 
 efeape undetected: Though it was no eafy 
 matter to extort an opinion from me in fuch 
 companies, yet fometimes I was unavoid- 
 ably entangled in converfation, and then I 
 was forced to have recourfe to all my ad- 
 drefs ; happily my features were habituated 
 to a fmile of the moft convertible fort,, for 
 it would anfwer the purpofes of affected 
 
 humility
 
 No. 94. THE OBSERVER,- 81 
 
 humility as well as thofe of actual contempt, 
 to which in truth it was more congenial : 
 my opinion, therefore, upon any point of 
 controverfy flattered both parties and be- 
 friended neither ; it was calculated to im- 
 prefs the company with an idea that I knew 
 much more than I profeft to know ; it was 
 in mort fo infinuating, fo fubmitted, fo 
 hefitating, that a man muft have had the 
 heart of Nero to have profecuted a being 
 fo abfolutely inoffenfive : but thefe facrifices - 
 coil me dear, for they were foreign to my 
 nature, and, as I hated my fuperiors, I avoid- 
 ed their fociety. 
 
 Having fufficiently diflinguimed myfelf 
 as a critic, I now began to meditate fome 
 fecret attempts as an author ; but in thefe 
 the fame caution attended me, and my per- 
 formances did not rife above a little fonnet, 
 or a parody, which I circulated through a 
 few hands without a name, prepared to dif- 
 avow it, if it was not applauded to my 
 wimes: I alfo wrote occafional eflays and 
 paragraphs for the public prints, by way of 
 trying my talents in various kinds of flile ; 
 by thefe experiments I acquired a certain 
 facility of imitating other people's manner 
 E 5 and
 
 , "8* . T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 94. 
 
 and difguifing my own, and fo far my point 
 was gained ; but as for the fecret fatisfection I 
 half promifed myfelf in hearing my produc- 
 tions applauded, of that I was altogether dif- 
 appointed; for though I tried both praife and 
 dilpraifeforthepurpofe of bringing them into 
 notice, I never had the pleafure to be contra- 
 dicted by any man in the latter cafe, or fe- 
 conded by a living foul in the former : I had 
 circulated a little poem, which coft me fome 
 pains, and as I had been flattered with the 
 applaufe it gained from feveral of its readers, 
 I put it one evening in my pocket, and 
 went to the houfe of a certain perfon, who 
 was much reforted to by men of genius : 
 an opportunity luckily offered for producing 
 my manufcript, which I was prepared to 
 avow as foon as the company prefent had 
 given fentence in its favour : it was put into 
 the hands of a dramatic author of fome ce- 
 lebrity, who read it aloud, and in a man-- 
 ner as I thought that clearly anticipated his 
 difguft : as foon therefore as he had nnifhed 
 it, and demanded of me if I knew the author, 
 I had no hefitation to declare that I did not. 
 Then I prefume, rejoined he, it is no 
 offence to fay I think it the merefl tram I ; 
 
 ever
 
 No. 94. T H E O B S E R V E R. 83; 
 
 ever read None in life, I replied, and 
 from that moment held him in everlafting 
 hatred. 
 
 Difgufted with the world, I now began 
 to dip my pen in gall, and as foon as I had 
 fmgled out a proper object for my fpleen, I 
 looked round him for his weak fide, where 
 I could place a blow to beft effect, and 
 wound him undifcovered : the author above- 
 mentioned had a full mare of my attention ; 
 he was an irritable man, and I have feen 
 him agonized with the pain, which my very 
 fhafts had given him, whilil I was foremoft 
 to arraign the fcurrility of the age, and en- 
 courage him to difregard it : the practice I 
 had been in of marking my ftile facilitated 
 my attacks upon every body, who either 
 moved my envy or provoked my fpleen. 
 
 The meaneft of all paffions had now taken 
 entire poffemon of my heart, and I furren- 
 dered myfelf to it without a ftruggle : ftill 
 there was a confcioufnefs about me, that funk 
 me in my own efleem, and when I met the 
 eye of a man whom I had fecretly defamed, 
 I felt abamed ; fociety became painful to 
 me; and I (hrunk into retirement, for my felf- 
 efteem was loft : though I had gratified my 
 E 6 malice,
 
 84 THE OBSERVER. No. 94. 
 
 malice, I had deftroyed my comfort ; I now 
 Contemplated myfelf a folitary being, at the 
 very moment when I had every requifite 
 of fortune, health and endowments, to have 
 recommended me- to the world, and to 
 thofe tender ties and engagements which 
 are natural to man, and conftitute his beft 
 enjoyments. 
 
 The folitude I reforted to, made me 
 every day more morofe, and fupplied me 
 with reflections that rendered me intoler- 
 able to myfelf and unfit for fociety. I had 
 reafon to apprehend, in fpite of all my 
 caution, that I was now narrowly watched, 
 and that ftrong fufpicions were taken up 
 againfl me ; when as I was feaiting my jaun- 
 diced eye one morning with a certain newf- 
 paper, which I was in the habit of employing 
 as the vehicle of my venom, I was flartled at 
 difcovering myfelf confpicuoufly pointed out 
 in an angry column as a cowardly defamer, 
 and menaced with perfonal chaflifement, as 
 foon as ever proofs could be obtained againft 
 me : and this threatening denunciation evi- 
 dently came from the very author, who had 
 unknowingly given me fuch umbrage when 
 he recited iny poem, 
 
 The
 
 No. 94. THE OBSERVER. > 
 
 The fight of this refentful paragraph was 
 like an arrow to my brain: habituated to 
 fkirmifh only behind entrenchments,! was ill- 
 prepared to turn into the open field, and had 
 never put the queftion to my heart, how it 
 was provided for the emergency : In early 
 life I had not any reafon to fufpect my 
 courage, nay it was rather forward to meet 
 occafions in thofe days of innocence; but 
 the meannefs I had lately funk into, had 
 fapped every manly principle of my nature, 
 and I now difcovered to my forrow, that in 
 taking up the lurking malice of an aflaffin, 
 I had loft the gallant fpirit of a gentle- 
 man. 
 
 There was ftill one alleviation to my ter- 
 rors : it fo chanced that I was not the au- 
 thor of the particular libel which my ac- 
 cufer had imputed to me : and though I 
 had been father of a thoufand others, I felt 
 myfelf fupported by truth in almoft the only 
 charge, againft which I could have fairly 
 appealed to it. It feemed to me therefore 
 advifeable to lofe no time in difculpating 
 myfelf from the accufation, yet to feek an 
 interview with this irafcible man was a fer- 
 vice of fome danger : chance threw the 
 
 opportunity
 
 &6 THE OBSERVER. No. 94* 
 
 opportunity in my way, which I had pro- 
 bably elfe wanted fpirit to invite ; I accoft- 
 ed him with all imaginable civility, and 
 made the ftrongeft afleverations of my inno- 
 cence : whether I did this with a fervility 
 that might aggravate his fufpicion, or that 
 he had others impreffed upon him befides 
 thofe I was labouring to remove, fo it was, 
 that he treated all I faid with the moft 
 contemptuous incredulity, and elevated his 
 voice to a tone that petrified me with fear, 
 bade me avoid his fight, threatening me 
 both by words and actions in a manner too 
 humiliating to relate. 
 
 " Alas ! can words exprefs my feelings ? 
 Is there a being more wretched than myfelf ? 
 to be friendlefs, an exile from fociety, and at 
 enmity with myfelf, is a fituation deplorable 
 in the extreme : let what I have now written 
 be made public ; if I could believe my 
 fhame would be turned- to others' profit, it 
 might perhaps become lefs painful to my- 
 felf; if men want other motives to divert 
 them from defamation, than what their own " 
 hearts fupply, let them turn to my ex-^ 
 ample, and if they will not be reafoned, 
 
 let
 
 No.04. THE OBSERVER. ^ 
 
 let them be frightened out of their pro 
 penfity. 
 
 I am, Sir, &c. 
 
 WALTER WORMWOOD; 
 
 The cafe of this correfpondent is a melan- 
 choly one, and I have admitted his letter, 
 becaufe I do not doubt the prefent good 
 motives of the writer - 3 but I fliall not eafily 
 yield a place in thefe ef&ys to characters fo 
 difgufting, and reprefentations fo derogatory 
 to human nature. The hiftorians of the 
 day, who profefs to give us intelligence of 
 what is pamng in the world, ought not to 
 be condemned, if they fometimes make a 
 a little free with our foibles and our follies j 
 but downright libels are grown too danger- 
 ous, and fcurrility is become too dull to find 
 a market ; the pillory is a great reformer. 
 The detail of a court drawing-room, though 
 not very edifying, is perfectly inoffenfive ; 
 a lady cannot greatly complain of the liberty 
 of the prefs, if it is contented with the 
 humble tafk of celebrating the workman- 
 (hip of her mantua-maker : as for fuch 
 inveterate malice, as my xorrefpondent 
 Wormwood defcribes, I flatter myfelf it is 
 
 very
 
 8f THE OBSERVER. #0.94. 
 
 very rarely to be found : I can only fay, that 
 though I have often heard of it in converfa- 
 tion, and read of it in books, I do not meet 
 in human nature originals fo flrongly fea- 
 tured as their paintings : amongft a fmall 
 collection of fonnets in manufcript, defcrip- 
 tive of the human paffions, which has fallen 
 into my hands, the following lines upon 
 Envy, as coinciding with my fubjecl:, ihall 
 -conclude this paper. 
 
 E N r y. 
 
 " Oh ! never let me fee that fliape again, 
 " Exile me rather to fome favage den, 
 
 " Far from the focial haunts of men ! 
 " Horible phantom, pale it was as death, 
 ' Confumption fed upon its meager cheek, 
 " And ever as the fiend eflay'd to fpeak, 
 " Dreadfully fteam'd it's peftilential breath. 
 
 " Fang'd like the wolf it was, and all as gaunt, 
 '' And ftill it prowl'd around us and around, 
 
 " Rolling its fquinting eyes afkaurit, 
 *' Wherever human happinefs was found. 
 
 *' Furious thereat, the felf-tormenting fprite 
 " Drew forth an afp, and (terrible to fight) 
 " To its left pap the envenom'd reptile preft, 
 * ( Which gnaw'd and worm'd into its tortur'd breaft. 
 
 " The defperate filicide with pain 
 
 " Writh'd to and fro, and yell'd amain ; 
 
 " And
 
 No. 95. THE O B S E R V ER. 89 
 
 " And then with hollow, dying cadence cries 
 *' It is not of this afp that Eniy dies ; 
 * 'Tis not this reptile's tooth that gives the fmart; 
 " 'Tis others happinefi, that gnaws my heart." 
 
 No. XCV. 
 
 Mma ad pattern JlitltitLe rapit, 
 (p. SYRUS.) 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 *Tp H E antient family of the Saplings, 
 whereof your humble fervant is the 
 unworthy reprefentative, has been for many 
 generations diftinguilhed for a certain plia- 
 bility of temper, which with fome people 
 paffes for good humour, and by others is 
 called weaknefs; but however the world 
 may differ in defcribing it, there feems a 
 general agreement in the manner of making 
 ufe of it. 
 
 Our family eftate, though far from con- 
 temptible, is confiderably reduced from its 
 antient fplendor, not only by an unlucky 
 
 tumble
 
 go THE OBSERVER. No. 9^. 
 
 tumble that my grandfather Sir Paul got in 
 the famous Miffiflippi fcheme, but alfo va- 
 rious lofles, bad debts, and incautious fecuri- 
 ties, which have fallen heavy upon the purfes 
 of my predecefTors at different times ; but as 
 every man muft pay for his good character, 
 I dare fay they did not repent of their pur- 
 diafe, and for my part it is a reflection that 
 never gives me any difturbance. This afore- 
 fuid grandfather of mine,was fuppofed to have 
 furnifhed Congreve with the hint for his cha- 
 racter of Sir Paul Pliant, at leaft it hath 
 been fo whifpere.d to me very frequently by 
 my aunt Jemima, who was a great collector 
 of family anecdotes -, and, to fpeak the 
 truth, I am not totally without fufpicion, 
 that a certain ingenious author, lately cle.- 
 ceafed, had an eye towards my insignificant 
 felf in the dramatic pourtrait of his Good 
 natured Man. 
 
 Though I fcorn the notion of fetting my- 
 felf off' to the public and you by panegyrics 
 of my own penning, (as the manner of fome 
 is) yet I may truly fay without boafting, 
 that I had the character at fchool of being 
 the very \x$ifag that ever came into it;. and 
 this 1 believe every gentleman, who was my 
 
 contemporary
 
 No. 95. THE OBSERVER. 9? 
 
 contemporary at Wejlmlnjler^ will do me the 
 juftice to acknowledge : it was a reputation 
 I confefs that I did not earn for nothing, for 
 whilft I worked the clothes off my back, and 
 the fkin off my bones in fcouting upon 
 every body's errands, I was pummeled to 
 a mummy by the boys, jliewed up by 
 the ufliers, flead alive by the mailers, 
 and reported for an incorrigible dunce at 
 my book ; a report which, under correction, 
 I muft think had fome degree of injuftice 
 in it, as it was impoffible for me to 
 learn a book I was never allowed to open : 
 In this period of my education I took little 
 food and lefs fleep, fo that whilft I mot up 
 in ftature after the manner of my progeni- 
 tors, who were a tall race of men, I grew as 
 gaunt as a greyhound ; but having abundant- 
 ly more fpirit than ftrength, and being voted 
 by the great boys to be what is called true 
 jttrtWjIwas fmgled out as a kind of trial-cock, 
 and pitted againft every new comer to make 
 proof of his bottom in fair fighting, though 
 I may fafely fay I never turned Out upon 
 a quarrel of my own making in all my life. 
 Notwithftanding all thefe honours, which 
 J' obtained from my colleagues, I will not 
 
 attempt
 
 9& T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 9 
 
 attempt to difguife' from you that I left' 
 the fchool in diigrace, being 'expelled by 
 the matter, when head of my boarding 
 houfe, for not fupporting.my authority over 
 the petty boys belonging to it, who, I muH 
 confefs, were juft then not in the moil or- 
 derly and correct ftate of difcipline. 
 
 My father, whofe maxim it was never to 
 let trifles vex him, received me with all the 
 good humour in life, and admitted me of 
 the univerfity of Oxford : here I was over- 
 joyed to find, that the affair of the expulfion 
 was fo far from having prejudiced my con- 
 temporaries againft me, that I was reforted 
 to by numbers whofe time hung upon their 
 hands, and my rooms became the, rendez- 
 vous of all the loungers in the college :- few 
 or no fchemes were fet on foot without me, 
 and if a loofe guinea or two was wanted 
 for the purpofe, every body knew where to 
 have it : I was allowed a. horfe for my 
 health's fake, which was rather delicate, but 
 I" cannot fay my health was much the bet- 
 ter for him, as I never mounted his back 
 above once or twice, whilft my friends kept 
 him in exercife morning and evening, as 
 long as he. lafted, which indeed was only till 
 
 the
 
 No. 95. T H E O B S E R V E R. 93 
 
 the hunting feafon fet in, when the currier 
 had his hide, and his flefh went to the ken- 
 nel. I muft own I did not excel in any of 
 my academical exercifes, fave that of cir- 
 cumambulating the colleges and public 
 buildings with ftrangers, who came to gaze 
 about them for curiofity's fake; in this 
 branch of learning I gained fuch general re- 
 putation, as to be honoured with the title of 
 Keeper of the Lions : neither will I difguife 
 the frequent jobations 1 incurred for negledt 
 of college duties, and particularly for non- 
 attendance at chapel, but in this I mould 
 not perhaps have been thought fo repre- 
 henfible, had it been known that my fur- 
 plice never failed to be there, though I had 
 .rarely the credit of bearing it company. 
 
 My mother died of a cold (he caught by 
 attending fome young ladies en a water- 
 .party before I had been a month in the 
 world j and my father never married again, 
 having promifed her on her death-bed not 
 to bring a ftep-dame into his family whilfl 
 I furvived : I had the misfortune to lole 
 him when I was in my twenty -fecond year; 
 he got his death at a country canvafs for 
 Sir Harry Ofier, a very obliging gentleman, 
 
 and
 
 S* T H E O B S E R V R, No. 95. 
 
 and nearly related to our family : I attend- 
 ed my father's corpfe to the grave, on which 
 melancholy occafion fuch were the lamenta- 
 tions and bewailings of all the fervants in 
 the houfe, that 1 thought it but a proper 
 return for their affection to his memory, to 
 prove myfelf as kind a mailer by continu- 
 ing them in their feveral employs: this 
 however was not altogether what they 
 meant, as. I was foon convinced every one 
 amongft them had a remonftrance to make, 
 and a new demand to prefer : the butler 
 would have better perquifites, the footman 
 wanted to be out of livery, the fcullion de- 
 manded tea-money, and the cook murmur- 
 ed about kitchen-fluff. 
 
 Though I was now a fingle being in the 
 world, my friends and neighbours kindly 
 took care I mould not be a folitary one ! I 
 was young indeed, and of fmall experience 
 in the world, but I had plenty of counfel- 
 lors j fome advifed me to buy horfes they 
 wanted to fell, others to fell horfes they 
 wanted to buy : a lady of great tafte fell in 
 love with two or three of my beft cows for 
 their colour ; tl ey were upon her lawn the 
 next day : a gentleman cf extraordinary
 
 No. 95. THE OBSERVER. 95 
 
 vertue difcovered a pi&ure or two in my col- 
 lection, that exactly fitted his pannels : an 
 eminent improver, whom every body de- 
 clared to be the firlt genius of the age for 
 laying out grounds, had taken meafures for 
 iranfporting my garden a mile out of my 
 fight, and floating my richeft meadow 
 grounds with a lake of muddy water : as 
 for my manlion and its appendages, I am 
 perfuaded I could never have kept them in 
 their places, had it not been that the feve- 
 ral projectors, who all united in pulling 
 them down, could never rightly agree in 
 what particular fpot to build them up 
 again : one kind friend complimented me 
 with the firft refufal of a miftrefs, whom for 
 reafons of oeconomy he v/as obliged to part 
 from , and a neighbouring gentlewoman, 
 whole daughter had perhaps ftuck on hand 
 a lit tie longer than was convenient, more 
 than hinted to me that Mifs had every re- 
 quifite an life to make the married ftate per- 
 fectly happy. 
 
 In juftice however to my own difcre- 
 tion, let me fay, that I was not haftily fur- 
 prized into a ferious meafure by this 
 latter overture, nor did I aik the young 
 Judy's hand in marriage, till I was verily per- 
 
 fuaded,
 
 96 THE OBSERVER. No. 95. 
 
 fuaded, -by her exceffive fondnefs,' that 
 there were no other means to fave her lite. 
 Now whether it was the violence of her 
 paflion before our marriage, that gave fome 
 Ihock to her intellects, or from what other 
 caufe it might proceed, I know not, certain 
 however it is, that after marriage me be- 
 came fubject to very odd whims and ca- 
 prices ; and though I made it a point of 
 humanity never to thwart her in thefe hu- 
 mours, yet I was feldom fortunate enough 
 to pleafe her j fo that, had I not been fure 
 to demonftration that love for me was the 
 caufe and origin of them all, I might have 
 teen fo deceived by appearances as to have 
 imputed them to averfion. She was in the 
 habit of deciding upon almoft every action in 
 her life by the interpretation of her dreams, in 
 which I cannot doubt her great Ikill, though 
 I could not always comprehend the prin- 
 ciples on which (lie applied it ; me never 
 failed, as foon as winter fet in, to dream of 
 going to London, and our journey as cer- 
 tainly fucceeded. I remember upon our ar- 
 rival there the firft year after our marriage, 
 me dreamt of a new coach, and at the fame 
 time put the fervants in" new liveries, the 
 x colours
 
 No. 95* THE OBSERVER. 97 
 
 colours and pattern of which were circum- 
 ftantially revealed to her in fleep : fome- 
 times, (dear creature !) fhe dreamt of win- 
 ning large fums at cards, but I am apt to 
 think thofe dreams were of the fort, which 
 fhould have been interpreted by their con- 
 traries : (lie was not a little fond of running 
 after conjurors and deaf and dumb fortune- 
 tellers, who dealt in figures and cafl nativi- 
 ties ; and when we were in the country my 
 barns and outhoufes were haunted with 
 gypfies and vagabonds, who made fad ha- 
 voc with our pigs and poultry : of ghofcs 
 and evil fpirits me had fuch terror, that I 
 was fain to keep a chaplain in my houfe to 
 exorcife the chambers, and when bufmefs 
 called me from home, the good man con- 
 defcended fo far to her fears, as to fleep in. 
 a little clofet within her call in cafe me was 
 troubled in the night ; and I mufl fay this 
 for my friend, that if there is any truft to 
 be put in flefh and blood, he was a match for 
 the befl fpirit that ever walked : flie had all 
 the fenfibility in life towards omens and prog- 
 noflics, and though I guarded every motion 
 and action that might give any poffible alarm 
 to her, yet my unhappy awkwardnefles were 
 VOL. IV. F always
 
 98 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 95. 
 
 always boding ill luck, and I had the grief 
 of heart to hear her declare in her laft mo- 
 ments, that a capital overfight I had been 
 guilty of in handing to her a candle with an 
 enormous winding-meet appending to it, 
 was the immediate occafion of her death and 
 my irreparable misfortune. 
 
 My fecond wife I married in mere charity 
 and compaffion, becaufe a young fellow, 
 whom me was engaged to, had played her 
 a bafe trick by fcandaloufly breaking off 
 the match, when the wedding clothes were 
 bought, the day appointed for the wedding, 
 and myfelf invited to it. Such tranfadtions 
 ever appeared mocking to me, and therefore 
 to make up her lofs to her as well as I was 
 able, I put myfelf to extraordinary charges 
 for providing her with every thing hand- 
 fome upon our marriage : me was a fine 
 woman, loved mew, and was particularly 
 fond of difplaying herfelf in public places, 
 where (he had an opportunity of meeting 
 and mortifying the young man* who had 
 behaved fo ill to her : me took this revenge 
 againft him fo often, that one day to my 
 great furprize I difcovered that (he had 
 eloped from me and fairly gone off with 
 
 him.
 
 No. 95. THE OBSERVER. 99 
 
 him. There was fomething fo unhand- 
 fonie, as I thought, in this proceeding, that 
 I mould probably have taken legal meafures 
 for redrefs, as in like cafes other hufbands 
 have done, had I not been diverted from 
 my purpofe by a veiy civil note from the 
 gentleman himfelf, wherein he fays " That 
 " being a younger fon of little or no for- 
 " tune, he hopes I am too much of a gen- 
 " tleman to think of reforting to the vexa- 
 " tious meafures of the law for revenging 
 " myfelf upon him ; and, as a proof of his 
 " readinefs to make me all the reparation 
 " in his power in an honourable way, he 
 " begs leave to inform me, that he mail 
 " moil refpeclfully attend upon me with 
 " either fword or piftols, or with both, 
 " whenever I (hall be pleafed to lay my 
 " commands upon him for a meeting, and 
 " appoint the hour and place," 
 
 After fuch atonement on the part of the 
 offender, I could no longer harbour any 
 thoughts of a divorce,elpeciallyas my young- 
 er brother the parfon has heirs to continue 
 the family, and feems to think fo entirely with 
 me in the bufinefs, that I have determined 
 ro drop it altogether, and give the parties no 
 F 2 further
 
 loo THE OBSERVER. No. 96. 
 
 further moleflation; for, as my brother very 
 properly obferves, it is the part of a chriftian 
 to forget and to forgive ; and in truth I fee 
 no reafon why I mould difturb them in their 
 enjoyments, or return evil for good to an 
 obliging gentleman, who has taken a talk of 
 trouble off my hands, and let me at my eafe 
 for the reft of my days ; in which tranquil and 
 contented ftate of mind, as becomes a man, 
 whofe inheritance is philanthropy, and whofe 
 mother's milk hath been the milk of human 
 kindnefs, I remain in all brotherly charity 
 and good will, 
 
 Tour's and the world's friend, 
 
 SIMON SAPLING. 
 
 No. XCVI. 
 
 Quis fcit an adjicianthodierntfcraftinafumma. 
 Tempera Dii Super i ? ( H o R A T . ) 
 
 ripo-MORROw is the day, which procrafti- 
 
 nation always promifes to employ and 
 
 never overtakes : My correfpondent Tom 
 
 Tortoife t whofe letter I (hall now lay before 
 
 the
 
 No. 96. T H E O B S E R V E R. 101 
 
 the public, feems to have made thefe pro- 
 mii r es and broken them as often as moft 
 men. 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 I have been refolving to write to thee 
 every morning for thefe two months, but 
 ibmething or other has always come athwart 
 my refolution to put it by. In the firft place 
 I fhould have told thee that aunt Gertrude 
 was taken grievoufly fick, and had a mighty 
 defire to fee thee upon affairs of confe- 
 quence, but as I was in daily hopes me 
 would mend and be able to write to thee 
 herfelf, (for every body you know under- 
 flands their own bufmefs beft) I thought I 
 would wait till me got well enough to tell 
 her own ftory ; but alas ! me dwindled and 
 dwindled away till fhe died ; fo, if fhe had 
 any fccrets they are buried with her, and 
 there's an end of that matter. 
 
 Another thing I would fain have written 
 to thee about, was to enquire into the cha- 
 racter of a fellow, one John Jenkyns, who 
 had ferved a friend of thine, Sir Theodore 
 Thimble, as his houfe-fteward, and offered 
 F 3 himfelf
 
 xoa THE OBSERVER. No. 96. 
 
 himfelf to me in the fame capacity : But 
 this was only my own affair do you fee, fo I 
 put it by from day to day, and in the mean 
 time took the rafcal upon his word with- 
 out a character : But if he ever had one, he 
 would have loft it in my fervice, for he 
 plundered me without mercy, and at lafl 
 made off with a pretty round fum of 
 money, which I have never been able to 
 get any wind of, probably becaufe I never 
 took the trouble to make any enquiry. 
 
 I now fit down to let you know fon Tom 
 is come from Oxford, and a trapping fine 
 fellow he is grown of his age : He has a 
 mighty longing to fet out upon his travels 
 to foreign parts, which you mull know icems 
 to me a very foolifh conceit in a young lad, 
 who has only kept his firfl term and not 
 completed his nineteenth year ; fo I oppofed 
 his whim manfully, which I think you will 
 approve of, for I recollected the opinion you 
 gave upon this fubject when laft here, and 
 quoted it againft him : To do him juilice, 
 he fairly offered to be ruled by your advice, 
 and willed me to write to you on the matter ; 
 but one thing or other always flood in the 
 way, and in the mean time came Lord 
 
 Ramble
 
 No. 9 6. THE OBSERVER. 103 
 
 Ramble in his way to Dover, and being a 
 great crony of Tom's and very eager for his 
 company, and no letter coming from you 
 (which indeed I acquit you of, not having 
 written to you on the fubject) away the 
 youngfters went together, and probably be- 
 fore this are upon French ground. Pray 
 tell me what you think of this trip, which 
 appears to me but awild-goofe kind of chace, 
 and if I live till to-morrow I intend to write 
 Tom a piece of my mind to that purpofe, 
 and give him a few wholefome hints, which 
 I had put together for our parting, but 
 had not time juft then to communicate to 
 him. 
 
 I intend very Ihortly to brufli up your 
 quarters in town, as my folicitor writes me 
 word every thing is at a ftand for want of 
 my appearance : What dilatory doings muft 
 we experience, who have to do with the 
 law ! putting off from month to month 
 and year to year: I wonder men of bu- 
 linefs are not afhamed of themfelves : as 
 for me, I mould have been up and amongft 
 them long enough ago, if it had not been 
 for one thing or another that hampered 
 me about my journey : Horfes are for ever 
 F 4 falling
 
 104 THE OBSERVER. No. 96. 
 
 falling lame, and farriers are fuch lazy raf- 
 cals, that before one can be cured, another 
 cries out ; and now I am in daily expecta- 
 tion of my favourite brood-mare dropping 
 a foal, which I am in great hopes will prove 
 a colt, and therefore I cannot be abfent at 
 the time, for a mailer's eye you know is 
 every thing in thofe cafes : Belides I iliould 
 be forry to corne up in this dripping feafon, 
 and as the parfon has begun praying for fair 
 weather, I hope it will fet in ere long in 
 good earned, and that it will pleafe God to 
 make it pleafant travelling. 
 
 You will be pleafed to hear that I mean 
 loon to make a job of draining the marfh 
 in front of my houle : Every body allows 
 that as foon as there is a channel cut to the 
 river, it will be as dry as a bowling-green t 
 and as fine meadow land as any on my 
 eflate : It will alfo add confiderably to the 
 health as well as beauty of our fituation, 
 for at prefent 'tis a grievous eye-fore, and 
 fills us with fogs and foul air at fuch a rate, 
 that I have had my whole family down with 
 the ague all this fpring : Here is a fellow 
 ready to undertake the job at a very eafy 
 expence, and will complete it in a week, fo 
 
 that
 
 No. 96. THE OBSERVER. 105 
 
 that it will foon be cone when once begun; 
 therefore you fee I need not hurry myfeif for 
 fetting about it, but wait till leifure and 
 opportunity fuit. 
 
 I am ibrry I can fend you no better news 
 of your old friend the vicar ; he is fadly 
 out of forts : You muft know the incum- 
 bent of Slow-in-the-Wilds died fome time 
 ago, and as the living lies fo handy to my 
 own parim I had always intended it for our 
 friend, and had promifed him again and 
 again: When behold ! time ilipt awayun- 
 perceived, and in came my lord bilhop of 
 the diocefe with a parfon of his own, ready 
 cut and dried, and claimed it as a lapfed 
 living, when it, has been mine and my 
 anceftors any time thcfe five hundred years 
 for aught I know : If thefe are not nimble 
 doings I know not what are : Egad ? a man 
 need have all his eyes about him, that has 
 to do with thefe bifhops. If I had been 
 aware of fuch a trick being played me, 
 I would have hoifted the honefb, vicar into 
 the pulpit, before the old parfon who is dead 
 and gone had been nailed in his coffin ; for 
 no man loves lefs to be taken napping (as they 
 call it) than I do j and as for the poor vigar 'tis 
 F 5 furprifing
 
 io6 THE OBSERVER. No. 96. 
 
 furprifmg to fee how he takes to heart the 
 difappointment ; whereas I tell him he has 
 nothing for it but to outlive the yo\mg fel- 
 low who has jumped into his (hoes, and 
 then let us fee if any bifhop fhall jockey us 
 with the like jade's trick for the future. 
 
 I have now only to requeft you will fend 
 me down a new almanack, for the year wears 
 -out apace, and I am terribly puzzled for 
 want of knowing how it goes, and I love 
 to be regular. If there is any thing I can 
 do for you in thefe parts, pray, employ me, 
 for I flatter myfelf you believe no man 
 living would go further, or more readily 
 fly to do you fervice than your's to com- 
 mand, 
 
 THOMAS TORTOISE, 
 
 Alas 1 though the wife men in all ages 
 have been calling out as if were with one 
 voice for us to know oiirfelves, it is a voice 
 that has not yet reached the ears or under- 
 Handing of my correfpondent Tom Tortoife. 
 Somebody or other hath left us another 
 good maxim, never to put off till to-morrow 
 what we can do to-day. Whether he was 
 indeed a wife man, who firft broached this 
 
 maxim,
 
 No. 96. THE OBSERVER. re? 
 
 maxim, I'll not take on my felf to pronounce, 
 but I am apt to think he would be no fool 
 who obferved it. 
 
 If all the refolutions, promifes and en- 
 gagements of To-day, that lie over for To- 
 morrow, . were to be fummed up and polled 
 by items, what a cumbrous load of procraf- 
 tinations would be transferred in the mid- 
 night crifis of a moment ! Something per- 
 haps like the following might be the outline 
 of the deed, by which To-day might will 
 and devife the forefaid contingencies to its 
 heir and fucceffor. 
 
 " Confcious that my exigence is draw- 
 " ing to its clofe, I hereby devife and make 
 " over to my natural heir and fucceffor, all 
 " my right and title in thofe many vows, 
 " promifes and obligations, which have 
 " been fo liberally made to me by fundry 
 " perfons in my lifetime, but which ftill re- 
 *' inained unfulfilled on their part, and fland 
 " out againft them : But at the fame time 
 " that I am heartily defirous all engage- 
 " ments, fair and lawful in their nature, may 
 " be punctually complied with, I do moft 
 " willingly cancel all fuch as are of a con- 
 *' trary defcription ; hereby releaiing and 
 F 6 " difcharging
 
 io8 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 96. 
 
 " difcharging all manner of perfons, who 
 " have bound themfelves to me under ram 
 " and inconfiderate refolutions, from the 
 " performance of which evil might enfue to 
 " themfelves, and wrong or violence be done 
 " fociety. * 
 
 " In the firft place I defire my faid heir 
 " and fuccefibr will call in all thofe debts 
 *' of confcience, which have been incurred 
 " by, and are due from, certain defaulters, 
 " who ftand pledged to repentance and 
 ** atonement, of all which immediate pay- 
 " ment ought in juftice and difcretion to be 
 " rigoroufly exacted from the feveral par- 
 " ties, forafmuch as every hour, by which 
 " they outrun their debt, weakens their fe- 
 " curity. 
 
 " It is my further will and defire, that all 
 " thofe free livers and profeft voluptuaries, 
 " who have walled the hours of my exiftence 
 " in riot and debauchery, may be made to 
 " pay down their lawful quota of fick fto- 
 " machs and acliing heads, to be levied upon 
 " them feverally by poll at the difcretion of 
 " my heir and fueeeffor.. 
 
 " Whereas I am apprized of many dark 
 ^dealings and malicious defigns now in 
 
 " adual
 
 No. 96. THE OBSERVE R. ro 9 
 
 " actual execution, to the great annoyance 
 " of fociety and good-fellowlhip, I earneflly 
 " recommend the detection of all luch evil- 
 " minded perfons with To-morrow's light, 
 " heartily hoping they will meet their due 
 " fhame, punimment and difappointment : 
 " And I fincerely wifti that every honeft 
 " man, who hath this night gone to reft with 
 " a good reputation, may not be deprived 
 " of To-morrow's repofe by any bafe ef- 
 " forts, which Slander, who works in the 
 " dark, may conjure up to take it from 
 " him. 
 
 " It is with fingular fatisfaction I have 
 " been made privy to fundry kind and cha- 
 *' ritable benevolences, that have been pri- 
 " vately beftowed upon the indigent and 
 " diftreft, without any oftentation or parade 
 " on the part of the givers, and I do there- 
 " upon ftrictly enjoin and require a fair and 
 " impartial account to be taken of the fame 
 " by my lawful heir and fucceffor, (be the 
 " amount what it may) that intereft for the 
 " fame may be put into immediate courfe of 
 " payment ; whereby the parties fo intitled 
 " may enjoy, as in juftice they ought to do, 
 " all thofe comforts, bleffings and rewards, 
 
 " which
 
 no THE OBSERVER. No. 96. 
 
 " which talents fo employed are calculated 
 " to produce. 
 
 " All promifes made by men of power to 
 " their dependants, and all verbal engage- 
 " ments to tradefmen on the (core of bills, 
 " that lie over for To-morrow, I hereby 
 " cancel and acquit ; well afiured they were 
 " not meant by thofe who made them, nor 
 * c expected by any who received them, then 
 " to be made good and fulfilled. 
 
 " To all gamefters, rakes and revellers, 
 " who mall be found out of bed at my de- 
 *' ceafe, I bequeath rotten conftitutions, 
 *' reftlefs thoughts and fqualid complexions ; 
 ** but to all fuch regular and induftrious 
 " people, who rife with the fun and care- 
 " fully refume their honeit occupations, I 
 ** give the greateft of all human bleffings 
 ** health of body, peace of mind and length 
 of days. 
 
 *' Given under my hand, &c. Sec. 
 
 " TO-DAY."
 
 No. 97. THE OBSERVER. * t f 
 
 No. XCVIL 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 ^pHERE is an old gentleman of my ac- 
 quaintance who annoys me exceedingly 
 with his predictions : I have reafon to be- 
 lieve he bears me good will in the main, and 
 does not know to what a degree he actually 
 difturbs my peace of mind, I would therefore 
 fain put up with his humour if I could ; 
 but when he is for ever ringing his knell in 
 my ears, he fometimes provokes me to re- 
 tort upon him, oftentimes to laugh at him, 
 and never fails to put me out of patience or 
 out of fpirits. 
 
 I have read your account of the Dampers 
 with great fellow-feeling, and perceive that 
 my old gentleman is very deep in that phi- 
 lofophy ; but as I unfortunately have very 
 little philofophy of any fort to fetagainft it, 
 I find myfelf frequently at his mercy and 
 without defence. 
 
 I do not think this proceeds fo much from 
 
 any
 
 > r* T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 97. 
 
 any radical vice in his nature, as from a 
 foolifli vanity to feem wifer than his neigh- 
 bours, and to put himfelf off for a man 
 who knows the world : The fact is he is an 
 old bachelor, lives in abfolute retirement, 
 and has fcarcely ftept out of the precincts 
 of his own village three times in his life ; yet 
 he is ever telling me of his experience and 
 his obfervations : If I was to put implicit 
 faith in what he fays, common honefty in 
 mankind would be a miracle, and happinefs 
 a difappointment ; as for hope, that moon- 
 fhine diet as he calls it, which is fo plenti- 
 fully ferved up in the fanciful repafls of the 
 poets, and which is too often the only 
 (landing dim at their tables, I fhguld never 
 get a tafte of it ; and yet if ruining a mer- 
 chant's credit is tantamount to robbing him 
 of his property, I muft think the Damper,. 
 who blafts my hope, is in fad little better 
 than a thief. 
 
 I have a natural prejudice for certain peo- 
 ple at firft fight, where a countenance im- 
 prefles me in its favour, for I am apt to 
 fancy that honefty fets a mark upon its 
 owners ; there is not a weaknefs incident to 
 human nature, for which he could' hold my 
 
 under-
 
 No. 97. THE OBSER V E R. 113 
 
 underflanding in more fovereign contempt : 
 If I was to be advifed by him, I mould not 
 truft my wife out of my fight, for it is 
 a maxim with him, that no love-matches 
 can be happy ; mine was of that fort and 1 
 am happy ; ftill I am out of credit with my 
 Damper. I was bound for a relation in pub- 
 lic truft fome years ago ; there I confefs his 
 augury fometirnes daggered me, and he urged 
 me with proverbs out of holywrit, which 
 I was rather puzzled to parry ; my friend 
 however has done well in the world, dif- 
 charged his obligation, and repaid it with 
 grateful returns ; (till I am out of credit 
 with my Damper. I inverted a fmall fum 
 in a venture to the Eaft Indies ; he defcant- 
 ed upon the rifque of the fea ; I infured 
 upon the fhip, he denounced bankruptcy 
 againfl the underwriter, the fhip came 
 home, and I doubled the capital of my in- 
 veftment ; ftill I am out of credit with my 
 Damper, and he (hakes his head at my 
 folly. 
 
 I can plainly perceive that his predictions 
 oftentimes are as troublefome to himfelf as 
 to me ; he lofes many a fine morning's walk 
 by forefeeing a change of weather ; he never 
 
 goes
 
 H4 THE OBSERVER. No.g;. 
 
 goes to church becaufe he has had a fuit with 
 the parfon j and part of his eftate remains 
 xmtenanted, becaufe a farmer fome time ago 
 broke in his debt. 
 
 Though I am no philofopber, I am not 
 fucli a fimpleton, as not to know how little 
 we ought to depend upon worldly events in 
 general -, yet it appears to me that what a 
 man has already enjoyed, he can no longer 
 be faid to depend upon : If therefore I have 
 had real pleafure in any innocent and agree- 
 able expectation, difappointment can at 
 \vorft do no more than remove the meat after 
 I have made my meal. 
 
 Though I do not know how to define 
 hope as a metaphyfician, I am inclined to 
 fpeak of it with refpect, becaufe I find it 
 has been a good friend to me in my life ; it 
 has given me a thoufand things, which ma- 
 lice and misfortune would have raviflied 
 from me, if I had not fairly worn them out 
 before they could lay their fingers upon 
 them : Spe pafdt inani fays the poet, and 
 contradicts himfelf in the fame breath : for 
 my part, if it was not for the fear of ap- 
 pearing paradoxical, I fhould fay upon ex- 
 perience that hope, though called a madow,
 
 No-97- THE OBSERVER. 115 
 
 is, together with that other phantom death, 
 the fole reality beneath the fun ; the un- 
 faithfulnefs of friends, from whom I had the 
 claim of gratitude, can never rob me of 
 thofe pleafures I enjoyed, when I ferved 
 them, loved them, and confided in them -, 
 and, in fpite of all my friend the Damper 
 can fay to the contrary, it is not on my own 
 account I am forry to have thought better 
 of mankind than they deferve. 
 J am, Sir, &c. 
 
 BENEVOLUS.. 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I HAVE the honour to belong to a club of 
 gentlemen of public fpirit and talents, who 
 make it a rule to meet every Sunday evening, 
 in a houfe of entertainment behmd St. Cle- 
 ment's, for the regulation of literature in 
 this metropolis. Our fraternity confifts of 
 two diftindt orders, The Dampen and The 
 Puffers i and each of thefe are again clafled 
 into certain inferior fubdivifions. We take 
 notice that both thefe defcriptions of per- 
 fons have in turn been the objects of your 
 
 feeble
 
 n6 THEOBSERVER. No. 97. 
 
 feeble raillery ; but I muft fairly tell you, 
 we neither think worfe of ourfelves nor any 
 better of you for thofc attempts. We con- 
 fiderthe republic of letters under obligations 
 to us for its very exiftence, for how could 
 it be a republic, unlefs its members were 
 kept upon an equality with each other ? 
 Now this is the very thing which our infti- 
 tution profeffes to do. 
 
 We have an ingenious member of our fo- 
 ciety, who has invented a machine for this 
 purpofe, which anfvvers to admiration : He 
 calls it The Thermometer of Merit : This 
 machine lie has fet in a frame, and laid dowrx 
 a very accurate fcale of gradations by the 
 lide of it : One glance of the eye gives every 
 author's altitude to a minute. The middle 
 degree on this fcale, and which anfwers to 
 temperate on a common thermometer, is 
 that liandard, or common level of merit, to 
 which all contemporaries in the fame free 
 community ought to be confined ; but as 
 there will always be fome eccentric beings 
 in nature, who will cither ilart above ftand- 
 ard heighth, or drop below it; it is our 
 duty by the operation of the daily prefs 
 either to fcrew them down, or to fcrew 
 
 them
 
 No. 97. THE OBSERVER. 117 
 
 them up, as the cafe requires ; and this 
 brings me to explain the ufes of the two 
 grand departments of our fraternity : Au- 
 thors above par fall to the province of the 
 Dampers, all below par appertain to the 
 Piiffi'rs. The daily prefs being common to 
 all men, and both the one clafs and the 
 other having open accefs thereto, we can 
 work either by forcers or repellers, as we fee 
 fit i and I can lafely allure you our procefs 
 feldom fails in either cafe, when we apply it 
 timely, and efpecially to young poets in 
 their veal-bones, as the faying is : With this 
 view we are always upon terms with the 
 conductors of the faid prefs, who are fully 
 fenfible of the benefits of our inftitution, 
 and live with us in the mutual inter- 
 change of friendly offices, like Shakefpeare's 
 Zephyrs 
 
 " Stealing and giving odours.' 
 
 As we ac"l upon none but principles of 
 general juftice, and hold it right that parts 
 mould be made fubfervient to the whole, 
 our fcheme of equalization requires, that 
 accordingly as any individual rifes on the 
 fcale, our depreffing powers mould counter- 
 ad
 
 n8 THE OBSERVER. No. 97. 
 
 act and balance his afcending powers : This 
 procefs, as I faid before, belongs to the 
 Dampers' office, and is by them termed pr ef- 
 fing an author, or more literally committing 
 him to theprefs. This is laid on more or lefs 
 forcibly, according to his degree of afcen- 
 fion ; in moft cafes a few turns fqueeze him 
 down to his proper bearing, but this is al- 
 ways done with reafonable allowance for the 
 natural re-action of elaftic bodies, fo that it 
 is neceffary to bring him fome degrees be- 
 low ftandard, left he mould mount above 
 it when the prefs is taken off: If by chance 
 his afcending powers run him up to fultry or 
 fever -heat, the Dampers muft proportion 
 their difciplinc accordingly ; in like manner 
 the Puffers have to blow an author up by mere 
 ftrength of lungs, when he is heavy in ballaft, 
 and his finking powers fall below the freezing - 
 pointy as fometimes happens even to our beft 
 friends : In that cafe the Puffers have burfts 
 of applaufe and peals of laughter in petto, 
 which, though they never reach vulgar ears, 
 ferve his purpofe effectually But thefe are 
 fecrets, which we never reveal but to the 
 Ittjtiated, and I (hall conclude by afluring 
 you I am your's as you deferve. 
 
 PRO BONO PlTBLICO.
 
 No. 9 S. THE OBSERVER. 119 
 
 No. XCVIII. 
 
 A WRITER of mifcellaneous efTays is open 
 ** to the correfpondence of perfons of all 
 defcriptions, and though I think fit to ad- 
 mit the following letter into my collection, 
 I hope my readers will not fuppofe I wifli to 
 introduce the writer of it into their com- 
 pany, or even into my own. 
 
 To THE OBSERVER. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 As we hear a great deal of the affluence 
 of this fiourifhing country, and the vaft 
 quantity ofjleepiug cajli, as it is called, lockt 
 up in vaults and ftrong boxes, we conceive 
 it would be a good deed to waken fome of 
 it, and put it into ufe and circulation : we 
 have therefore aflbciated ourfelves into a pa- 
 triotic fraternity of circulators, commonly 
 called pick-pockets : But with forrow we let 
 you know, that notwithftanding our beft en- 
 deavours to put forward thepurpofes of our 
 inftitution,andthe great charges of providing 
 2 ourfelves
 
 120 THE OBSERVER. No. 98. 
 
 ourfelves with inftruments and tools of all 
 forts for the better furtherance of our bufi- 
 nefs, we have yet hooked up little except dirty 
 handkerchiefs, leathern inufi-boxes, empty 
 purfes and bath-metal watches from the 
 pockets of the public ; articles thefe, let me 
 fay, that would hardly be "received at the 
 depot of the patriotic contributors at Paris. 
 Are thefe the fymptoms of a great and 
 wealthy nation ? we blufli for our country, 
 whilfl we are compelled by truth and can- 
 dour to reply They are not. 
 
 As we have a number of pretty articles 
 on hand, which will not pafs in our trade, 
 nothing deters us from putting them up to 
 public cant but the tax our unworthy par- 
 ** liament has laid upon auctions. I fend you 
 two or three papers, which a brother artifl 
 angled out of the pocket of a pennilefs gen- 
 tleman the other night at the playhoufe 
 door : the one a letter figned Urania, the 
 other Gorgon : they can be no ufe to us, as 
 we have nothing to do with Urania?, virtue, 
 nor ftand in need of Gorgon to paint fcenes, 
 which we can act better than he defcribes ; 
 neither do we want his effigy of a man under 
 
 the
 
 No. 98. THE OBSERVE R. 121 
 
 the gallows to remind us of what we muft 
 all come to, 
 
 Your's, 
 
 CROOK-FINGERED JACK. 
 
 The letter from Urania breathes the full 
 fpirit of that amiable ambition, which at 
 prefentfeems generally to infpire our heroines 
 of the ftage to accept of none but mining 
 characters, and never to prefent themfelves 
 to the public but as illuftrious models of 
 purity and grace. If virtue be thus capti- 
 vating by refemblance only, how beautiful 
 muft it be in the reality ! I cannot how- 
 ever help pitying the unknown poet, whofe 
 hopes were dafht with the following re- 
 buke: 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I have run my eye over your tragedy, and 
 am beyond meafure furprized you could 
 think of allotting a part to me, which is fo 
 totally unamiable. Sir, I neither can, nor 
 will, appear in any public character, which 
 is at variance with my private one; and, 
 though I have no objection to your fcene of 
 felf-murder, and flatter myfelf I could do it 
 
 VOL. IV. G juftice,
 
 isa THE OBSERVER. No. 98. 
 
 juftice, yet my mind revolts from fpilling 
 any blood but my own. 
 
 I confefs there are many fine paffages and 
 fome very linking fituations, that would 
 fall to my lot in your drama, but permit me 
 to tell you. Sir, that until you can clear up 
 the legitimacy of the child, you have been 
 pleafed therein to lay at my door, and will 
 find a father for it, whom I may not blufh to 
 own for a hufband, you muft never hope for 
 the affiftance of your humble fervant, 
 
 URANIA. 
 
 The other letter is addrefTed to the fame 
 unfortunate poet from an artift, who feems 
 to have ftudied nature in her deformities 
 only. 
 
 Dear Difmal, 
 
 I wait with impatience to hear of the 
 fuccefs of your tragedy, and in the mean 
 time have worked off a frontifpiece for it, 
 that you, who have a paffion for the terrific, 
 will be perfectly charmed with. 
 
 I am fcandalized when I hear people lay 
 that the fine arts are protected in this coun- 
 try i nothing can be further from the truth, 
 
 as
 
 No. 98. T H E O B S E R'V E R. 123 
 
 as I am one amongft many to witnefs. 
 Painting I prefume will not be difputed to 
 be one of the fine arts, and I may fay with- 
 out vanity I have fome pretenfions to rank 
 with the beft of my brethren in that pro- 
 feffion. 
 
 My firft ftudies were carried on in the ca- 
 pital of a certain county, where I was born ; 
 and being determined to chufe a ftriking 
 fubject for my debut in the branch of por- 
 trait-painting, I perfuaded my grandmother 
 to fit to me, and I am bold to fay there 
 was great merit in my picture, confi- 
 dering it as a maiden production : particu- 
 larly in the execution of a hair-mole upon 
 her chin, and a wart under her eye, which I 
 touched to fuch a nicety, as to make every 
 body flart who caft their eyes upon the 
 canvafs. 
 
 There was a little dwarfifh lad in the pa- 
 rifh, who befides the deformity of his per- 
 fon, had a remarkable hare-lip, which ex- 
 pofed to view a broken row of difcoloured 
 teeth, and w^as indeed a very brilliant fubject 
 for a painter of effect : I gave a full-length 
 of him, that was executed fo to the life, as 
 G 2 to
 
 124 THE OBSERVER. No. 98. 
 
 to turn ihe flomach of every body, who 
 looked upon it. 
 
 At this time there came into our town a 
 travelling fhow-man, who amongft other 
 curiofities of the favage kind brought with 
 him a man-ape, or Ourong-outong : and 
 this perfon, having feen and admired my 
 portrait of the little hump-backed dwarf, 
 employed me to take the figure of his cele- 
 brated favage for the purpofe of difplaying 
 it on the out fide of his booth. Such an 
 occafion of introducing my art into notice, 
 fpurred my genius to extraordinary exer- 
 tions, and though 1 muft premife that the 
 fevage was not the beft fitter in the world, 
 yet I flatter myfelf I acquitte'd myfelf to the 
 fatisfaction of his keeper and did juftice to 
 the ferocity of my fubjed: : I caught him 
 in one of his moft finking attitudes, fland- 
 ing erecl: with a huge club in his paw : I 
 put every mufcle into play, and threw fuch 
 a terrific dignity into his features, as would 
 not have difgraced the character of a Nero 
 or Caligula. I was happy to .obferve the 
 general notice, which was taken of my per- 
 formance by all the country folks, who re- 
 
 forted
 
 No. 98. THE OB SERVER. 1*5 
 
 forted to the fhow, and I believe my em- 
 ployer had no caufe to repent of having fet 
 me upon the work. . 
 
 The figure of this animal with the clur> 
 in his paw fuggefled a hint to a publican ir* 
 the place of treating his ale-houfe with a 
 new fign, and as he had been in the fer- 
 vke of a noble family, who from antient 
 time have borne the Bear and ragged Jlaff for 
 their creft, he gave me a commimon to pro- 
 vide him with a fign to that efFed: : Though 
 I fpared no pains to get a real bear to fit to 
 me for his portrait, my endeavours prov- 
 ed abortive, and I was forced to refort to 
 fuch common prints of that animal as I 
 could obtain, and trufted to my imagina- 
 tion for fupplying what elfe might be want- 
 ed for the piece : As I worked upon this 
 capital defign in the room where my grand- 
 mother's portrait was before my eyes, it 
 occurred to me to introduce the fame hair- 
 mole into the whifkers of Bruin, which I 
 had fo fuccefsfully copied from her chin, 
 and certainly the thought was a happy one, 
 for it had a picturefque effecl: ; but in doing, 
 this I was naturally enough, though unde- 
 fignedly, betrayed into giving fuch a gene- 
 G rail
 
 iz6 THE OBSERVER. No. 98. 
 
 ral refemblance to the good dame in the reft 
 of Bruin's features, that when it came to be 
 exhibited on the fign-poft all the people 
 cried out upon the likenefs, and a malicious 
 rumour ran through the town, that I had 
 painted my grandmother inftead of the 
 bear j which loft me the favour of that in- 
 dulgent relation, though Heaven knows I 
 was as innocent of the ' intention as the 
 child unborn. 
 
 The difguft my grandmother conceived 
 againft her likenefs with the ragged ftaff, 
 gave me incredible uneafmefs, and as me 
 was a good cuftomer to the landlord and 
 much refpecled in the place, he was induced 
 to return the bear upon my hands. I am 
 now thinking to what ufe I can turn him, 
 and as it occurs to me, that by throwing a 
 little more authority into his features, and 
 gilding his chain, he might very poffibly hit 
 the likenefs of fome lord mayor of London 
 in his fur-gown and gold chain, and make a 
 refpectable figure in fome city hall, I am 
 willing to difpofe of him to any fuch at an 
 eafy price. 
 
 As I have alfo preferved a fketch of my 
 famous Ourong-Outong, a thought has 
 
 ftruck
 
 No. 98. THE O B SERVER. 127 
 
 ilruck me that with a few finifhing touches 
 he might eafily be converted into a Caliban 
 for the Tempeft, and, when that is done, I 
 ill all not totally defpair of his obtaining a 
 niche in the Shakfpeare gallery. 
 
 It has been common with the great maf-. 
 ters, Rubens, Vandyke^ Sir Jojhua Reynolds 
 and others, when they paint a warrior, or 
 other great perfonage, on horfeback, to throw 
 a dwarf, or fome fuch contrafled figure, into 
 the back ground : Should any artift be in 
 want of fuch a thing, I can very readily 
 fwpply him with my hare-lipped boy; if 
 otherwife, I am not totally without hopes 
 that he may fuit fome Spanim grandee, 
 when any fuch (hall vifit this country upon 
 his travels, or in the character of ambaflador 
 from that illuftrious court. 
 
 Before I conclude I (hall beg leave to ob- 
 ferve, that I have a complete fet of ready- 
 made devils, that would do honour to Saint 
 Antony, or any other perfon, who may be in 
 want of fuch accompaniments to fet off the 
 felf-denying virtues of his character : I have 
 alfo a fine parcel of murdered innocents,which 
 I mean to have filled up with the ftory of 
 Herod j but if any gentleman thinks fit to 
 G 4 lay
 
 ift8 THE OBSERVER. No. 98, 
 
 lay the fcene in Ghent, and make a modern 
 competition of it, I am bold to fay my pretty 
 babes will not difgrace the pathos of the 
 fubjeft, nor violate the Cqftuma. I took 
 a notable fketch of a man hanging, and 
 feized himjufl in the dying twitches, before 
 the laft ftretch gave a iliffnels and rigidity 
 unfavourable to the human figure ; this I 
 would willingly accommodate to the wifhes 
 of any lady, who is defirous of preferving a 
 portrait of her lover, friend or hufband in 
 that interefling attitude. 
 
 Thefe, cum nmltis aliis, are part of my 
 ilock on hand, and I hope, upon my ar- 
 rival at my lodgings in Blood-bowl-alley to 
 exhibit them with much credit to myfelf, 
 and to the entire fatisfaction of fuch of my 
 neighbours in that quarter, as may incline 
 to patronize the fine arts, and reftore the 
 credit of this drooping country. 
 
 Your's, 
 
 GORGON.
 
 NO. 99 . THE OBSERVER; 
 
 No. XCIX. 
 
 adjint, merit aque expedient 
 pa/ma: ! 
 
 A CURIOUS Greek fragmertt has been 
 ** lately difeovered by an ingenious tra- 
 veller at Conftantinople, which is fuppofed. 
 to have been faved out of the famous Alex- 
 andrian library, when fet on fire by com- 
 mand of the Caliph. There is nothing but 
 conjecture to guide us to the author: Some 
 learned men> who have examined it, give 
 it to Paufanias, others to j&lian , fome con- 
 tend for Suidas,: others for Libanws -, but 
 moft agree in afcribing it to fome one of 
 the Greek ibphifts, fo that it is not to be 
 difguifed that juft doubts are to be enter- 
 tained of its veracity in point of fad, 
 There may be much ingenuity in thefe dif- 
 euflions, but we are not to expect convic- 
 tion ; therefore I (hall pafs to the fubjed- 
 matter, and not concern myfelf with any 
 previous argumentation on a queftion, that 
 is; never- likely to be fettled. 
 
 G 5 " This
 
 i 3 o THE OBSERVER. No. 99. 
 
 *' This fragment fays, that fome time af- 
 ter the death of the great dramatic poet 
 .^Efchylus, there was a certain citizen of 
 Athens named PhiloteucJius, who by his in- 
 duftry and fair character in trade had ac- 
 quired a plentiful fortune, and came in time 
 to be actually chofen one of the Areopa- 
 gites : This man in an advanced period of 
 his life engaged in a very fplendid under- 
 taking for collecting a feries of pictures to 
 be compofed from fcenes in the tragedies of 
 the great poet above-mentioned, and to be 
 executed by the Athenian artifts, who were 
 then both numerous and eminent. 
 
 " The old Areopagiie, with a fpirit that 
 would have done honour to Pifijlratus or 
 Pericles, conftructed a fpacious lyceum for 
 the reception of thefe pictures, which he 
 laid open to the refort both of citizens and 
 ftrangers, and the fuccefs of the work rer 
 fleeted equal credit upon the undertaker and 
 the artifts, whom he employed, 
 
 The chain of the narration is here broken 
 by a lofs of a part of the fragment, which 
 however is fortunately refumed in that place, 
 where the writer gives fome account of the 
 mailers, who painted for this collection, And 
 
 of
 
 No. 99. THE OBSERVER. 131 
 
 of the fcenes they made choice of for their 
 feveral pictures, 
 
 " He tells us that Apelles was then living 
 and in the vigour of his genius, though ad- 
 vanced in years; he defcribes the fcene 
 chofen for his competition minutely, and it 
 appears to have been taken from that fuite 
 of dramas, which we know JEfchylns com- 
 pofed from the ftory of the Atridte, and of 
 which we have ftill fuch valuable remains. 
 He reprefents JEgifthus* after the murder of 
 Agamemnon by the inftigation of Clytem- 
 neftra, in the act of confulting certain 
 Sybils, who by their magical fpells and in- 
 cantations have railed the ghoft of Agamem- 
 non, which is attended by a train of phan- 
 toms, emblematic of eight fucceffive kings 
 of Argps, his immediate defcendants : The 
 fpectre is made pointing to his pofterity, and 
 at the fame time looking on his murderer: 
 with a fmile, in which Apelles contrived to 
 give the feveral expreffions of contempt, 
 exultation and revenge, with fuch a cha- 
 racter of ghaftly pain and horror, as to 
 make the beholders (hrink. Amongft thefe 
 Sybils he introduces the perfon of Caffandra 
 the prophetefs, whom Agamemnon brought 
 G 6 captive
 
 13* THE OBSERVER. No. 9 9. 
 
 captive from the definition of Troy. The 
 light, he fays, proceeds only from a flam- 
 ing cauldron, in which the Sybils have 
 been making their libations to the infernal 
 deities or furies, and he fpeaks of the re- 
 fle6ted, ruddy tints, which by this manage- 
 ment of the artifl were caft upon the figures, 
 as producing a wonderful effect, and giving 
 an amazing horror and magnificence to the 
 group. Upon the whole he ftates it as the 
 moft capital performance of the matter, and 
 that he got fuch univerfal honour thereby, 
 that he was afterwards employed to paint 
 for the Perfian monarch, and had a com- 
 miflion even from the queen of Scythia, 
 a country then emerging from barbarity. 
 
 " Parrhafius, though born in the colony 
 of Miletus on the coaft of Afia, was an 
 adopted citizen of Athens, and in great credit 
 there for his celebrated picture on the death 
 of Epaminondas : He contributed to this 
 collection by a very capital compofition 
 taken from a tragedy, which was the third 
 in a feries of dramas, founded by JEfchyhiS 
 on the well-known ftory otOedipus, all which 
 are loft. The miferable monarch, whofe 
 misfortunes had overturned his reafon,. is 
 
 here
 
 No.99- THE OBSERVER. rjj 
 
 here depicted taking (lielter under a wretch- 
 ed hovel in the midft of a tremendous 
 ftorm, where the elements feem confpiring- 
 againft a helplefs being in. the lafl flage of 
 human mifery. The painter has thrown a 
 very touching character of infanity into his 
 features, which plainly indicates that his lofs 
 of reafon has arifen from the tender rather 
 than the inflammatory paffions ; for there is 
 a majeftic fenfibility mixed with the wildnefs 
 of his diffraction, which (till preferves the 
 traces of the once benevolent monarch. In, 
 this defolate fcene he has a few forlorn com- 
 panions in his cliftrefs, which form a very 
 peculiar group of perfonages ; for they con- 
 fiil of a venerable old man in a very piteous 
 condition, whofe eyes have been torn from 
 their fockets, together with a naked maniac, 
 who is flarting from the hovel, where he had 
 houfed himfelf during the temped : The 
 effect of this figure is defcribed with rap- 
 ture, for he is drawn in the prime of youth,, 
 beautiful and of a moil noble air; his naked 
 limbs difplay the fined proportions of the 
 human figure, and the mufcular exertion 
 of the fudden action he is thrown into fur- 
 joilh ample fcope to the anatomical fcience 
 
 of
 
 134 THE OBSERVER. No. 99. 
 
 of the artift. The fable feigns him to be the 
 fon of the blind old man above defcribed, 
 and the fragment relates that his phrenfy 
 being not real but affumed, Parrhajius avail- 
 ed himfelfof that circumftance, and touch- 
 ed the character of his madnefs with fo nice 
 and delicate a difcrimination from that of 
 Oedipus, that an attentive obferver might 
 have difcovered it to be counterfeited even 
 without the clue of the ftory. There are 
 two other attendant characters in the group : 
 One of thefe is a rough, hardy veteran, who 
 feems to brave the florm with a certain air 
 of contemptuous petulance in his counte- 
 nance, that befpeaks a mind fuperior to for- 
 tune, and indignant under the vifitation even 
 of the gods themfelves. The other is a cha- 
 rafter, that feems to have been a kind of ima- 
 ginary creature of the poet, and is a buffoon 
 or jefler upon the model of Homer's Ther- 
 fites, and was employed by JEfchylus in his 
 drama upon the old buiiefque fyftem of the 
 Satyrs, as an occafional chorus or parody 
 upon the feverer and more tragic characters 
 of the piece. 
 
 " The next picture in our author's cata- 
 icgue was by the hand of Timanthes : This 
 
 modeft
 
 No. 99. THE OBSERVER. 13$ 
 
 modeft painter, though reading in the capi- 
 tal of Attica, lived in fuch retirement from 
 fociety, and was fo abfolutly devoted to his 
 art, that even his perfon was fcarce known 
 to his competitors. Envy never drew a 
 word from his'lips to die difparagement of a 
 contemporary, and emulation could hardly 
 provoke his diffidence into a contefl for 
 fame, which fo many bolder rivals were pre- 
 pared to difpute. 
 
 " &fckylus, it is well known, wrote three 
 plays on the fable of Prometheus; the fecond 
 in thisferies is the Prometheus chained, which 
 happily furvives; the lafl was Prometheus 
 delivered, and from the opening fcene of 
 this drama 1"imanthes formed his picture. 
 Prometheus is here difcovered on the fea-fhore 
 upon an ifland inhabited only by himfelf 
 and his daughter, a young virgin of exqui- 
 iite beauty, who is fuppofed to have feen 
 none other of the human fpecies but her 
 father, befides certain imaginary beings, 
 whom Prometheus had either created by his 
 ftolen fire, or whom he employed in the ca- 
 pacity of familiars for the pupofes of his 
 enchantments, for the poet very juftifiably 
 fuppofes him endowed with fupernatural 
 
 powers.
 
 J 3 6- THE OBSERVER. No.gp, 
 
 powers, and by that vehicle brings to pals 
 all the beautiful and furprifing incidents of 
 his drama. One of thefe aerial fpirits had 
 by his command conjured up a moft dread- 
 ful tempeil, in which a noble iliip is re- 
 prefented as finking in the mid ft of the- 
 breakers on this enchanted fhore.. The 
 daughter of Prometheus is feen in a fuppli- 
 cating attitude imploring her father to allay 
 the ftorm, and fave the finking mariners 
 from deflruction. In the back ground of 
 the picture is a cavern, and at the entrance 
 of it a misfhapen favage being, whofe evil 
 nature is depicted in the deformity of his 
 perfon and features,, and who was employed' 
 by Prometheus in all fervile offices, neceflary 
 for his accommodation in this folitude. The 
 aerial fpirit is in the clouds, which he is driv- 
 ing before him at the beheft of his great mafter. 
 In this composition therefore, although not. 
 replete with characters, there is yet fuclv 
 diverfity of ftile and fubject, that we have 
 all, which the majefty and beauty of real 
 nature can furnim, with beings out of the 
 regions of nature, as ftrongly contrafted in 
 form and character, as fancy can devife: 
 The fcenery alfo is of the fublimeft caft, 
 
 and-
 
 No. ico. T H E O B S E R V E R. 137 
 
 and whilft all Greece refounded with ap- 
 plaufes upon the exhibition of this piclure, 
 'Timanthes alone was filent, and ftartled at 
 the very echo of his own fame, fhrunk back 
 again to his retirement." 
 
 As this fragment is now in the hands of 
 an ingenious tranflator, I forbear for the 
 prefent to intrude upon his work by any 
 further anticipation of it, confcious withal 
 as I am that the public curiofity will fhortly 
 be gratified with a much more full and fa* 
 tisfadtory delineation of this interfiling nar- 
 rative, than lam able to give. 
 
 No, C. 
 
 Magntim tier ad doEias proficifci cogor Athenas* 
 
 (PROPERT.) 
 
 T WAS agreeably furprized the other day 
 * with an unexpected vifit from a country 
 friend, who once made a coniiderable figure 
 in the fafhionable world, and, with an ele- 
 gant tafte for the fine arts, is pofleft of many 
 valuable paintings and fculptures of his own. 
 
 collecting
 
 138 THE OBSERVER. No. 100. 
 
 collecting in Italy : He told me, that after 
 fix years abfence from town, he had made 
 a journey purpofely to regale his curiofity for 
 a few days with the fpeftacles of this great 
 capital, and defired I would accompany him 
 on his morning's tour to fome of the emi- 
 nent artifls, and afterwards conduct him to 
 .the theatre, where he had fecured himfelf 
 a feat for the reprefentation of Mr. South- 
 ern's tragedy of 'The Fatal Marriage. 
 Though I had juft been honoured with a 
 card from Vaneffa, purporting that (he 
 -would hold The Feaft of Reafon that evening 
 at her houfe, where my company was ex- 
 pected, I did not hefitate to accept the in- 
 vitation of my country friend, and excufe 
 myielf from that of VanefTa, though I muft 
 confefs my curiofity was fomewhat roufed 
 by the novelty of the entertainment to which 
 I was bidden. Our day patted fo entirely 
 to the fatisfadlion of my candid companion, 
 that,when we parted at night, he (hook me by . 
 the hand, and with a fmile of complacency, 
 declared, that a day fo fpent would not dif- 
 grace the diary of Pericles. 
 
 When I had returned to my apartment, 
 this allufion of my friend to the age of Pe- 
 ricles,
 
 No. 100. THE OBSERVER. 139 
 
 ricles, with the recollection of what had 
 patted in the day, threw me into a reverie, 
 in the courfe of which I fell afleep, whilft 
 my mind with more diflinctnefs than is 
 ufual in dreaming, purfued its waking train 
 of thought after the following manner : 
 
 " I found myfelf in a {lately portico, 
 which being on an eminence, gave me the 
 profpecl: of a city, inclofing a prodigious 
 circuit, with groves, gardens, and fields, 
 teemingly fet apart for martial exercifes and 
 fports ; the houfes were not chartered into 
 itreets and alleys like our great trading 
 towns, but were placed apart and feparated 
 without any regular order, as if each man 
 had therein confulted his own particular 
 tafte and enjoyments. I thought I never 
 faw fo delightful a place, nor a people who 
 lived fo much at their eafe : I felt afrefhnefs 
 and falubrity in the climate, that feemed to 
 clear the brain, and give a fpring to the fpi- 
 rits and whole animal frame : The fun was 
 bright and glowing, but the lightnefs of the 
 atmofphere and a refrefhing breeze qualified 
 the heat in the mod delicious manner. As 
 I looked about me with wonder and delight, 
 I obferved a great many edifices of the 
 
 pureft
 
 140 THE OBSERVER. No. 10* 
 
 pureft architedure, that feemed calculated 
 for public purpofes j and wherever my eye 
 went, it was encountered by a variety of 
 flatues in brafs or marble ; immediately at 
 the foot of the fteps, leading to the portico, 
 in which I flood, I oblerved a figure in brafs 
 of exquifite workmanmip, which by its at- 
 tributes I believed defigned to reprefent the 
 heathen deity Mercurius. In the center of 
 the city there was an edifice inclofed with- 
 in walls, which I took to be the citadel ;. 
 a rapid flream of clear water meandered 
 about the place, and was trained through 
 groves and gardens in the moft pidurefque 
 and pleafmg manner.,, while the profped at 
 diflance was bounded by the fea. 
 
 " As I flood wrapt in contemplation of 
 this new and brilliant fcenery, methought I 
 was accofled by a middle-aged man in a 
 loofe garment of fine purple, who wore his 
 hair after the manner of our ladies, braided 
 and coiled round upon the crown of his 
 head with great care and delicacy to a con- 
 fiderable heighth ; and (which I thought 
 remarkable) he had faflened the braids in 
 feveral places with golden pins, on which 
 were feveral figures of frnall gralhoppers of 
 
 the
 
 No. ioo. THE OBSERVER. 14! 
 
 the fame metal ; behind him walked a fer- 
 vant -youth, or Have, carrying a light wicker 
 chair for his mafter to repofe in, a cuflom 
 that feemed to me to argue great effemi- 
 nacy; and looking about me I found it was 
 pretty univerfal, many of the bettermoft 
 fort of citizens being feated in the ftreets, 
 canverfing at their eafe, though there was 
 certainly nothing in the climate, that made 
 fuch an indulgence neceffary. 
 
 " As I was eyeing this gentleman with a 
 furprize r that I muft own hadfomefmall tinc- 
 ture of contempt in it, he turned himfelf to 
 me, and in the moft complaifant manner 
 imaginable accofted me in my own language, 
 telling me, he perceived I was a ftranger in 
 Athens, and if I was curious to fee what was 
 remarkable in the place, he was ready to de- 
 dicate the day to my fervice. To this cour- 
 teous addrefs I returned the beft anfwer I 
 was able, adding that every thing was new 
 to me and many things appeared admirable. 
 You will fay fo, replied he, before the day 
 is paft, and yet I cannot Ihew you in the 
 fpace of a day the hundredth part of what 
 this city contains worth a flranger's obferva- 
 tion : Of a certain Arts and Sciences are 
 2 now
 
 H* THE OS SERVER. No. 100. 
 
 now carried to their utmoft pitch, and no 
 future age I think will fucceed, in which 
 the glory of the Athenian commonwealth, 
 and the genius of its citizens (Hall be found 
 fuperior to their prefent luftre. 
 
 " The portico, in which you fland, conti- 
 nued the Athenian, is what we call Pee 'die , 
 or the -painted Portico ; the brazen ftatue at 
 the foot of the fteps was railed by* the nine 
 Archons in honour of Mer cur tits Agor&itSj or 
 the Foretifal-, and dedicated by them to the 
 tribes: That by its fide is the ftatue of 
 Solon, the other at fome diftance is the law- 
 giver Lycurgus. The gate before you, on 
 which you fee thofe warlike trophies, was fb 
 adorned in memory of the defeat of Pliftar- 
 chus, who was brother of the famous Caf- 
 iander, and commanded his cavalry and auxi- 
 liary troops in the action recorded. Thefe 
 paintings behind you, with which the portico 
 is furnimed and from which it has its name, 
 are all upon public fubjects in commemora- 
 tion of wife or valiant citizens : The pidures 
 on your right hand are by the celebrated 
 Polygnotus, thefe on your left by Micon, 
 equal to his rival in art, but not in munifi- 
 cence j for Polygnotus would accept no other 
 
 reward
 
 No. 100. THEOBSERVER. 143 
 
 reward for his works, than the fame infepa- 
 rable from fuch eminent performances; 
 Micon on the contrary was paid. by the ftate. 
 There are feveral others by the hands of our 
 great mafters, particularly that incompa- 
 rable piece, which reprefents the field of 
 Marathon, a compofition by the great Pa- 
 namus, brother of the ftatuary Phidias ; but 
 this, as well as the others, will demand a 
 more particular defcription. 
 
 " Examine this compofition on your right ; 
 it is the work of Polygnotus : you fee two 
 armies drawn up front to front and on the 
 point of engaging; thefe are the Athenians, 
 the adverfe troops are the Lacedemonians ; 
 the icene is CEnoe ; fuch is the contrivance 
 of the artift, that you are fure victory is to 
 declare for the Athenians, though the battle 
 is not yet commenced. 
 
 *' In the oppofite piece you fee the battle 
 of Thefeus with the Amazons ; a capital 
 compofition by Micon; thefe warlike la- 
 dies are fighting on horfeback; with what 
 wonderful art has the mafter expreffed the 
 character of athktic beauty without deviat- 
 ing into .vulgarity and groffnefs ! If you re- 
 colled the Lyfiflrata of Ariflophanes you 
 
 will
 
 14* THE OBSERVER. No. io. 
 
 will meet an elogium on this picture ; it is 
 thus the filler arts encourage and fupporc 
 each other. 
 
 " Now turn to Polygnotus's fide and 
 look at that magnificent piece of art : The 
 painter has chofen for the fubject of his 
 compofition the council of the Grecian chiefs 
 upon the violence done to Caflandra by 
 Ajax after the capture of Troy -, you fee the 
 brutal character of the man ftrongly ex- 
 prefled in the hero of the piece ; amongft 
 that group of. Trojan captives Caflandra is 
 confpicuous j that figure which rcprefents 
 Laodice, is worth your notice, as being a 
 portrait of Elpinice a celebrated courtefan : 
 Scrupulous people have taken offence at it, 
 but great painters will indulge themfelves in 
 thefe liberties, and are fond of painting 
 after beautiful nature; of which I could give 
 you innumerable examples. 
 
 " Now let us in the laft place regale our 
 eyes with this ineftimable battle of Mara- 
 thon by Pansenus : What think you of it ? 
 Was it not a reward worthy of the heroes, 
 who prefer ved their country on that glorious 
 day ? Which party is moft honoured by the 
 work, the mailer who wrought it, or the 
 
 valiant
 
 No. ioo. THE OBSERVER. 145 
 
 valiant perfonages who are recorded by it ? 
 It is a queftion difficult to decide. You 
 will obferve three different groups in this 
 iuperb compofition, defcribing three differ- 
 ent periods of the action : Here you fee the 
 Athenians and their allies the Plataeansjuft 
 commencing the action. There, further 
 removed in perfpective, the barbarians 
 are defeated ; the flaughter is raging, arid 
 the Medes are plunging defperately into the 
 marlhy lake to avoid their purfuer's > exa- 
 mine the back ground, and you fee the 
 Phoenician gallies ; the barbarians are mak- 
 ing a bold attack, and the fea is covered 
 with wrecks : All mouths are open in ap- 
 plauie of this picture, and it was but the 
 other day, that the 'great orator Dernof- 
 thenes referred to it in a folemn harangue 
 upon Nesera, as did Efchines in his plead- 
 ings againft Ctefiphon. All our Captains 
 are taken from the life ; that General who 
 is encouraging his troops is Miltiades ; ke 
 is the hero of the piece, and I can affiire 
 you the refemblance is in all points .exact : 
 This is the portrait of Callimachus the 
 Polemarck :_ There you fee the hero Echet- 
 lus, and this is the brave Epizelus; that 
 VOL. IV. H Athenian,
 
 146 THE OBSERVER. No. 100. 
 
 Athenian, who is valiantly fighting, is 
 Cynoegirus himfelf, who loft both his hands 
 in the adjti on ; there goes an extraordinary 
 ftory with that dog which is by his fide, 
 and -has feized the dying barbarian by the 
 throat ; the faithful creature would not for- 
 fake his mafter; he was killed in the action, 
 and is now defervedly immortalized in com- 
 pany with the illuftrious heroes, who are the 
 fubjedt of the piece. Thofe fplendid war- 
 riors in the army of the Medes, who are 
 ftanding in their chariots, and calling to 
 their troops, are the generals Datis and Ar- 
 taphanes. They are drawn in a proud and 
 fwelli-ng ftile, and feem of a larger fize and 
 proportion than our Athenian champions ; 
 and the .fact is, that this group was inferted 
 by another mafter ; they are by the hand of 
 Micon, and perhaps do not exactly harmo- 
 nize with the reft ; the filly Athenians were 
 piqued at their appearance, and in a fit of 
 jealoufy punifhed Micon by a fine for hav- 
 ing painted them too flatteringly; the 
 painter fuffered in his pocket, but the peo- 
 ple in my opinion were difgraced by the 
 fentence : This .circumftarice has given 
 occafion for -many pn the part of Micpn to 
 
 conteft
 
 No.ioo. THE OBSERVER. 147 
 
 conteft the honour of the painting with 
 Panasnus, who in juftice muft be confidered 
 as principal author -of the work ; and in 
 courfe of time it may happen, that pofte- 
 rity will be puzzled which mafler to afcribe 
 it to. 
 
 " There are many more pictures well 
 deferving your attentive notice, particularly 
 that by Pamphilus, which reprefents Alc- 
 mena with Heraclidse afking aid of the' 
 Athenians againft Euryftheus : and this in- 
 fptred old figure by Polygnotus with a lyre 
 in his hand, which is the portrait of no lefs a 
 perfon than the great Sophocles ; but come, 
 kt us be gone, for we have much belides to 
 fce; and I perceive Zeno coming this way 
 with his fcholars to hold his lectures in this 
 portico ; and I for one muft confefs I am 
 no friend to the Stoics, or as we call them 
 the Zenonians. 
 
 
 H 2
 
 THE OBSERVER. 
 
 No. CI. 
 
 Ad vetitjlijjimam et fapientijjimam et diis carijjl- 
 mam en communem amajlam, hominumqite ac 
 Deontm terram,, Athenas mittebaris. 
 
 (LiBANius IN ORATIONE.) 
 
 ** T^ROM the painted portico, in which my 
 lafl was dated, my Athenian conduc- 
 tor took me to the Ptolemaic Gymnafmm, 
 in which I obferved feveral ftatues of Mer- 
 cury in marble, and others of brafs, which 
 lie explained to me to be of Ptolemy the 
 founder, Juba and Chryfippus the philofo- 
 .pher. There was one of Berofus the aftro- 
 loger with a tongue of pure gold, in com- 
 memoration of his divine predictions : On 
 one hand of me flood the doric temple of 
 Thefeus, enriched with fome ineftimable 
 paintings of Micon, particularly one upon 
 the fubjecl: of the fight of the Lapithee and 
 Centaurs : on the other hand was the antient 
 temple of the Diofcuri, in which I was 
 fhewn many capital pictures by Polygnotus ; 
 it is here, fays my conductor, we adminifter 
 
 to
 
 No. *oi. THE OBSERVER. ^9, 
 
 to the Athenian youth 'that folemn oath, 
 which binds them not to defert their ranks 
 in action, but to perim, when neceflity fo 
 requires, in defence of their country ; the 
 form is rather long, fays he, but this is the 
 iubflance of the oath. The Prytaneum, or 
 Court -houie, was now in view, where the 
 magistracy of the city affemble for the dif- 
 patch of public bufmefs : Here I faw the 
 venerable laws of Solon in a chefl of flone, 
 the Statues of Pax and Veda, and (which 
 were more interefling to me) the figures of 
 Miltiades and Themiflocles of exquifite 
 workmanmip in pure marble ; in this place 
 all thofe citizens, and the posterity of thofe 
 who have deferved well of the State, receive 
 their public doles or allowance of bread in 
 cakes compofed of meal, oil, and water; 
 here alfo I faw the perpetual fire upon the 
 altar of Vefta, and the celebrated image of 
 the Bona Fortuna of the Athenians. In 
 the adjoining temple of Lucina I was fliewn 
 the famous ftatues of that deity clothed in 
 drapery to the feet : My guide now carried 
 me to the great temple of Olympian Jupi- 
 ter, founded by the tyrant Pifiitratus, and 
 perfected by his fons and SucceiTors. I ob- 
 H 3 ferved;
 
 150 THE OBSERVER. No. lor. 
 
 ferved to my conductor, that I had fecn no 
 temple in Athens, except this, with inte- 
 rior columns ; he informed me that the 
 great fpan of the roof made it neceffary in 
 this inflance, but that it was contrary to 
 their rule of architecture and obtained in 
 no other : He further told me, that the city 
 had expended ten thoufand talents in this 
 edifice : The image of the god was cut in 
 ivory and gold ; to every column was affixed 
 a brazen flatue, reprefenting the colonial 
 cities of the Athenian empire. The dif- 
 play of ftatuary exceeded all defcription or 
 belief, nor was the painter's art wanting in 
 its (hare of the decoration, for wherever 
 pictures could be difpofed, and particularly 
 about the pedeftal of the flatue of Ju- 
 piter, the moft capital paintings were to be 
 feen. 
 
 " My fight was now fo dazzled with the 
 difplay of brilliant images, and my mind fo 
 overpowered with the miracles of art, which 
 had parTed in review, that I befeeched my 
 guide to carry me either to fome of thofe 
 groves wliich were in my eye, where I could 
 meditate on what I had feen, or to fpec- 
 'tacles of any other fort according to his 
 
 choice
 
 No. ioi. THE OBSERVER. *$i 
 
 choice and difcretion, for otherwife I mould 
 apprehend, from the variety of objects, I 
 ihould retain the- memory of none. He 
 told me in reply, that this was his intention f 
 obferving that the proportion I hadfeen was 
 very fmali indeed to-what the city contained; 
 there was however one more flatue, which he 
 could not difpenfe with himfelf from (hew- 
 ing me, beiiiig a model of beauty and per- 
 fection ; and having fo faid methought he 
 took me into a neighbouring garden, and in 
 a grove of cyprefs and myrtle prefented to 
 my view the moil exquifite piece of fculp- 
 ture I had ever beheld. This, fays he, is 
 the Venus' called Celeftial, the workman- 
 fhip of the immortal Alcainen. After I 
 had contemplated this divine original with 
 aflonifliment and rapture, I was fatis- 
 fied within myfelf, that we are mifbaken in 
 fuppofing it has defcended to us, and I 
 -now acknowledge that our celeftial Venus 
 is a copy far inferior to its inimitable proto- 
 type. Having examined this ftatue for 
 fome time, I turned to my conductor and 
 faid : Let us gratify our fenfes in fome other 
 way ; I have feen enough of art. 
 
 " It is impomble to avoid it, replies he, 
 H 4 in
 
 15* THE OBSERVER. No. lor. 
 
 in this city, and fo faying led me into the 
 Lyceum ; this Gymnafium, fays he, has 
 been lately inftituted by Pericles, and thefe 
 plantations of plane- trees are of his making; 
 fo are thefe aqueducts; the Lyceum was 
 originally dedicated to Pafloral Apollo; 
 and owes its foundation and beauty in the 
 firfl inftance to the elegant Piiiflratus, who 
 from the furprifing refemblance of their 
 perfons we now call the elder Pericles. The 
 place is delightful, and before you leave it 
 take notice of this ftatue of Apollo -, the artift 
 has defcribecl him in the attitude of refting 
 after his daily courfe; you fee he leans 
 againft a column ; his right arm bent over 
 his head, and in his left he holds his 
 bow; it is a firft-rate piece of fculpture. 
 Leaving the Lyceum my conductor took 
 me by the way of the Tripods ; here he 
 fliewed me the inimitable fatyr in brafs, 
 the boafled mafter-piece of Praxiteles, and 
 the Cupid and Bacchus of Thy mil us ; we 
 were, now clofe by the theatre, in the por- 
 tico of which I was (hewn the ftatue of 
 Efchylus, and two p'edeftals for the ftatues 
 of Sophocles and Euripides, then under the 
 artifts hancls, although both thofe poets were 
 
 now
 
 NO.IOI. THE OBS ERVER. 153 
 
 now living : The doors of the theatre were 
 not yet opened, and the temple of Venus 
 being near at hand, methought we entered, 
 and I beheld the beautiful Cupid crowned 
 with rofes, painted by Zeuxis ; from hence 
 I could fee the works that Pericles had been 
 carrying on upon the citadel, but this we 
 did not enter. 
 
 " Methought I was now carried into the 
 theatre amidft a prodigious crowd .of peo- 
 ple ; the comedy of the night was intitled 
 The Clouds, and the famous Ariftophanes was 
 announced to be the author of it. It was- 
 expected that Socrates would be perfonally 
 attacked, and a great party of that philofo 
 pher's enemies were aflembled to fupport 
 the poet. I was much furprized, when my 
 companion pointed out to me that great 
 philcfopher in perfon, who had actually taken 
 his feat in the theatre, and was fitting be- 
 tween Alcibiades and Antipho the fon of 
 Pericles ; by the fide of Alcibiades fate 
 Euripides, and at Antipho's left hand fate; 
 Thucydides ; I never beheld two more ve- 
 nerable old men than the poet and the hifto- 
 rian, nor fuch comely perfons as Alcibiades 
 and Antipho : Socrates was exceedingly like 
 H 5 the
 
 154 THE OBSERVER. No. 101. 
 
 the bufts we have of him, his head was bald, 
 his beard bufhy, and his ftature low ; there 
 was fomething very deterring in his counte- 
 nance ; his perfon was mean and his habit 
 fqualid; his veft was of loofe drapery, thrown 
 over his left moulder after the fafliion of a 
 Spanifli Capa, and feemed to be of coarfe 
 cloth, made of black wool undyed ; he had 
 a lliort ftaff in his hand of knotted wood 
 with a round head, which he was continually 
 rubbing in the palm of his hand, as he 
 talked with Alcibiades, to whom he princi- 
 pally addreffed his difcourfe : Thucydides 
 had lately returned from exile upon a gene- 
 ral amnefty, and I obferved a melancholy 
 in his countenance mixed with indignation ; 
 Euripides feemed employed in examining 
 the countenances of the fpectators, whilft 
 Antipho with great modefty paid a mod 
 refpedlful attention to the venerable philo- 
 fopher on his right hand. Whilft I was en- 
 gaged in obferving this refpeetable groupe, 
 my conductor whifpered the following words 
 in my ear 27/ is the fecond attack from the 
 fame hands upon Socrates ; that of lajl year 
 was defeated by Alcibiades ; but if this night's 
 comedy Jucceeds-) 1 preditt that our philofopher 
 
 is
 
 No. ioi. THE OBSERVER. .155 
 
 is undone : and in truth his fchoul is much out 
 of credit-, forfome of the worft characters of 
 the age have come out of his hands of late. 
 
 " When the players came firil on the ftage 
 there was fo great a murmur in the theatre, 
 that I could fcarce hear them ; after a fhort 
 time however the filence became pretty ge- 
 neral, and the plot of the play, fuch as it 
 was, began to open. I perceived that the 
 poet had devifed the character of an old 
 clownim father, who being plunged in debt 
 by the extravagancies of a flanting wife 
 and a fpendthrift fon, who wafted his fortune 
 upon race-horfes, was for ever puzzling his 
 brains to ftrike upon fome expedient for 
 cheating his creditors. With this view he 
 goes to the houfe of Socrates to take coun- 
 fel of that philofopher, who gives him a 
 great many ridiculous inftructions, feem- 
 ingly not at all to the purpofe, and amongft 
 other extravagancies allures him that Ju- 
 piter has no concern in the government 
 of the world, but that all the functions of 
 providence are performed by The Clouds^ 
 which upon his invocation appear and per- 
 form the part of a chorus throughout the 
 play : The philofopher is continually foiled 
 H 6 by
 
 156 THE OBSERVER. No. 101, 
 by the ruftic wit of the old father, who, af- 
 ter being put in Socrates's truckle-bed and 
 miferably flung with vermin, has a meeting 
 with his creditors, and endeavours to parry 
 their demands with a parcel of pedantic 
 quibbles, which he has learnt of the philo- 
 fopher, and which give occafion to fcenes 
 of admirable comic humour : My conduc- 
 tor informed me this incident was pointed 
 at Efchines", a favorite difciple of Socrates ; 
 a man, fays he, plunged in debts and a moft 
 notorious defrauder o his creditors. In the 
 end the father brings his fon to be mftruct- 
 ed by Socrates ; the fon, after a fhort lec- 
 ture, comes fort-h a perfect Atheift, and gives 
 his father a fevere cudgelling on the ftage, 
 which irreverend act he undertakes to de- 
 fend upon the principles of the new philo- 
 fophy he had been learning. This was the 
 fubftance of the play, in the courfe of which 
 there were many grofs allufions to the unna- 
 tural vice of which Socrates was accufed, 
 and many perfonal ftrokes againft Clifthenes, 
 Pericles, Euripides, and others, which told 
 ftrongly, and were much applauded by the 
 theatre. 
 
 " It is not to be fuppofed, that all this 
 
 pafled
 
 No; rot. THE OBSERVER. i$y 
 
 palTed without fome occaflonal difguft on 
 the part of the fpedtators, but it was evident 
 there was a party in the theatre, which car- 
 ried it through, notwithstanding the pre- 
 fence of Socrates and the refpectable junto 
 that attended him : For my part I fcarce 
 ever took my eyes from him during the re- 
 prefentation, and I obferved two or three 
 little actions, which feemed to give me 
 fome infight into the temper of his mind, 
 during the fevereft libel that was ever ex- 
 hibited againft any man's perfon and prin- 
 ciples. 
 
 " Before Socrates appears on the ftage, the 
 old man raps violently at his door, and is 
 reproved by one of his difciples, who comes 
 out and complains of the difturbance; upon 
 his being queflioned what the philofopher 
 may be then employed upon, he anfwers 
 that he is engaged in meafuring the leap of 
 a flea, to decide how many of its own 
 lengths it fprings at one hop ; the difciple 
 alfo informs him with great folemnity, that 
 Socrates has diicovered that the hum of a 
 gnat is not made by the mouth of the ani- 
 mal, but from behind : This raifed a laugh 
 at the expence of the naturalifts and minute 
 
 philofophers^
 
 158 THE OBSERVER, No. ior. 
 
 philofophers, and I obferved that Socrates 
 himfelf fmiled at the conceit. 
 
 " When the fchool was opened to the ' 
 ftage, and all his fcholars were difcovered 
 with their heads upon the floor and their 
 pofteriors mounted in the air, and turned 
 towards the audience, though the poet pre- 
 tends to account for it, as if they were 
 fearching for natural curiofities on the fur- 
 face of the ground, the action was evidently 
 intended to convey the grofTefl allufion, and 
 was fo received by the audience : When this 
 fcene was produced, 1 remarked that So- 
 crates fhook his head, and turned his eyes 
 off the ftage ; whilft Euripides, with fome 
 indignation, threw the ileeve of his mantle 
 over his face ; this was obferved by the fpec- 
 tators, and produced a confiderable^ tumult, 
 in which the theatre feemed pretty fairly 
 divided, fo'that the actors flood upright, 
 and quitted the pofture they were difco- 
 vered in* 
 
 " When Socrates was firfl produced {land- 
 ing on a bafket mounted into the clouds, 
 the perfon of the actor and the mafk he wore, 
 as well as the garment he was drefled in, 
 was the moft direct counterpart of the philo- 
 
 fopher
 
 No. 101. THE OBSERVER. 159 
 
 fopher himfelf that could be devifed. But 
 when the aclor, fpeaking in his character, 
 in direcl terms proceeded to deny the divi- 
 nity of Jupiter, Socrates laid his hand upon 
 his heart, and caft his eyes up with aftonim- 
 ment ; in the fame moment Alcibiades 
 flarted from his feat, and in a loud voice 
 cried out Antheniam ! is this fitting f Upon 
 this a great tumult arofe, and very many of 
 the fpedators called upon Socrates to fpeak 
 for himfelf, and anfwer to the charge ; when 
 the play could not proceed for the noife and 
 clamour of the people, all demanding So- 
 crates to fpeak for himfelf, the philofopher 
 unwillingly ftept forward and faid You re- 
 quire of me, O Athenians, to anfwer to the 
 charge ; there is no c forge -, neither is this a 
 place to difcourfe in about the gods : Let the 
 aftor proceed! Silence immediately took 
 place, and Socrates's invocation to "The 
 Clouds foon enfuedj the pafTage was fo 
 beautiful, the machinery of the clouds fo 
 finely introduced, and the chorus of 
 voices in the air fo exquifitely conceived, 
 that the whole theatre was in raptures, and 
 the poet from that moment had entire pof- 
 feflion of their minds, fo that the piece was 
 
 carried
 
 rf>o T H E O B S E R V E R. No. *oi. 
 
 carried triumphantly to its period. In the 
 heat of the applaufe my Athenian friend 
 \vliirpered me in the ear and faid Depend 
 upon it, Socrates will hear of this in another 
 place ; he is a loft mm ; and remember I tell 
 you, that if all our philofophers and fophifts 
 were driven out of Attica, it would be happy 
 for Athens." At thefe words I ftarted and 
 awaked from my dream. 
 
 No. CII. 
 
 Natio comozda eft. 
 
 T F the prefent tafte for private plays fpreads 
 * as faft as moft famions do in this coun- 
 try, we may exped the rifing generation 
 will be, like the Greeks in my motto, one 
 entire nation of actors and actrefles. A fa- 
 ther of a family may fhortly reckon it 
 amongft'the blefiings of a numerous pro- 
 geny, that he is provided with a fufficient 
 company for his domeftic ftage, and may 
 caft a play to his own liking without going 
 abroad for his theatrical amufements. Such 
 
 a fteady
 
 NO. 102. THE OBSERVER: 161 
 
 a Heady troop cannot fail of being under 
 better regulation than a let of ftrollers, or 
 than any fet whatever, who make a&ing a 
 vocation : Where a manager has to deal with 
 none but players of his own begetting, every 
 play bids fair to have a ftrong caft, and in 
 the phrafe of the ftage to be well got up. 
 Happy author, who (hall fee his characters 
 thus grouped into a family-piece, firm as the 
 Theban band of friends, where all is zeal 
 and concord ; no bickerings nor jealoufies 
 about ftage-precedency; no ladies to fall fick 
 of the fpieen, and tofs up their parts in a 
 huff; no heart-burnings about flounced pet- 
 ticoats and filver trimmings, where the mo- 
 ther of the whole company ftands ward- 
 robe-keeper and property-woman, whilft the 
 father takes poft at the fide fcene in the ca- 
 pacity of prompter, with plenipotentiary 
 controul over PS's and OP's. 
 
 I will no longer fpeak of the difficulty of 
 writing a comedy or tragedy, becaufe that is 
 now done by fo many people without any 
 difficulty at all, that if there ever was any 
 myftery in it, that myftery is thoroughly 
 bottomed and laid open ; but the art of 
 ading was till vory lately thought fo rare
 
 162 THE OBSERVER. No. 10* 
 
 and wonderful an excellence, that people 
 began to look upon a perfect aftor as a 
 phenomenon in the world, which they were 
 not to expert above once in a century ; but 
 now that the trade is laid open, this prodigy 
 is to be met at the turn of every flreet; 
 the nobility and gentry, to their immortal 
 honour, have broken up the monopoly and 
 new-made players are now as plentiful as 
 ^new-made peers. 
 
 Nee tamen Antiochus, neitfnt mirabil'u illic 
 Aut Straiocles aut cum molli Demetrius H^emo. 
 
 Garn'ck and Powell would be now no wonder, 
 Nor Barry's filver note, nor Quin's heroic thunder. 
 
 Though the public profefTors of the art 
 'are fo completely put down by the private 
 practitioners of it, it is but juftice to ob- 
 ierve in mitigation of their defeat, that they 
 meet the comparifon under fome difadvan- 
 tages, which their rivals have not to con- 
 tend with. 
 
 One of thefe is diffidence, which volun- 
 teers cannot be fuppofed to feel in the- de- 
 gree they do who are preffed into the fer- 
 viee : I never yet faw a public actor come 
 
 upon
 
 No. 102. THE OBSERVER. 165 
 
 upon the ftage on the firfl night of a new 
 play, who did not feem to be nearly, if not 
 quite, in as great a fhaking fit as his author j 
 but as there can be no luxury in a great 
 fright, I cannot believe that people of faihion, 
 who acl; for their amufement only, would 
 fubjecV themfelves to it , they rnuft cer- 
 ' tainly have a proper confidence in their own 
 abilities, or they would never Itep out of a 
 drawing-room, where they are fure to figure, 
 upon a ftage where they run the rifque of 
 expofing themfelves ; fome gentlemen per- 
 haps, who have been mutte perfonse in the 
 fenate, may flart at the firft found of their 
 own voices in a theatre, but graceful action, 
 juft elocution, perfed knowledge f of their 
 author, elegant deportment, and every ad- 
 vantage that refined manners and courtly 
 addrefs can bellow, is exclufively their own : 
 In all fcenes of high life they are at home ; 
 noble fentiments are natural to them ; love- 
 parts they can play by inftinc"r,, and as for all 
 the cafts of rakes, gamefters, and fine-get> 
 tlemen, they can fill them to the life. Think 
 only what a violence it muft be to the 
 nerves of an humble unpretending after, to 
 be obliged to play the gallant gay feducer, 
 
 and
 
 1 64 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 102. 
 
 and be the cuckold-maker of the corned)', 
 when he has no other object at heart but to 
 go quietly home, when the play is over, to- 
 -his wife and children, and participate with 
 them in thehoneft earnings of his vocation ; 
 can fuch a man compete with the Lothario 
 of high life ? 
 
 And now I mention the cares of a family, 
 I ftrike upon another difadvantage, which 
 the public performer is fubject to and the 
 private exempt from : The Andromache of 
 the flage may have an in\nt Hector at 
 home, whom me more tenderly feels for 
 than the Hector of the fcene ; he may be 
 lick,, he may be fupperlefs j there may be 
 none to nurfe him, when his mother is out 
 of fight, and the maternal intereft in the 
 divided heart of the actreis may preponde- 
 rate over the heroine's : This is a cafe not 
 within the chances to happen to any lady- 
 actrefs, who of courfe configns the taik of 
 education to other hands, and keeps her 
 own at leifure for more prefling duties. 
 
 Public performers have their memories 
 loaded and diftracted with a variety of parts, 
 and oftentimes are compelled to fuch a re- 
 petition of the :foflae part, as cannot fail to- 
 
 quench.
 
 No. 102. THE OBSERVER. id- 
 
 quench the fpirit of the reprefentation ; they 
 muft obey the call of duty, be the caft of: 
 the character what it may 
 
 Cum Thaida,fuflinet) aut cum 
 Uxorem cojnccdus ngit. 
 
 Subjeft to all the various cafts of life, 
 
 Now the loofe harlot, now the virtuous wife. 
 
 But, what is vvorfe than all, the veterans 
 of the public flage will fometimes be ap- 
 pointed to play the old and ugly, as I can 
 inftance in the perlbn of a mod admirable 
 adtrefs, whom I have often feen, and never 
 without the tribute of applaufe, in the 
 cafts of Juliet's Nurfe, Aunt Deborah, and 
 other venerable damfels in the vale of years, 
 when I am confident there is not a lady of 
 independent rank in England of Mrs. 
 Pitt's age, who would not rather ftruggle 
 for Mifs Jenny or Mifs Hoyden, than ftoop 
 to be the reprefentative of fuch old hags. 
 
 Thefe, and the fubjeclion public perfor- 
 mers are under to the caprice of the fpe&a- 
 tors, and to the attacks of conceited and 
 misjudging critics, are amongft the many 
 difagreeable circumftances which the moft 
 
 eminent
 
 1 6* THE OBSERVER. No. 102, 
 
 eminent muft expect, arid the moft fortunate 
 cannot efcape, 
 
 It would be hard indeed if performers of 
 diftinction, who ufe the ftage only as an 
 elegant and moral refource, mould be fub- 
 ject to any of thefe unpleafant conditions ; 
 and yet as a friend to the riiing fame of the 
 domeitic drama I muft obferve, that there 
 are fome precautions necefTary, which it's 
 patrons have not yet attended to. There 
 are fo many confequences to be guarded 
 againft, as well as provifions to be made for 
 an eftablimment of this fort, that it be- 
 hoves it's conductors to ^ke their firfl 
 ground with great judgment; and above all 
 things to be very careful that an exhibition 
 fo ennobled by it's actors, may be caft into 
 fuch a flile and character, as may keep it 
 clear from any poflible comparifon with 
 fpectacles, which it mould not condefcend 
 to imitate, and cannot hope to equal. This 
 I believe has not been attempted, perhaps 
 not even reflected upon, and yet, if I may 
 fpeak from information of fpecimens which 
 I have not been prefent at, there are many 
 reforms needful both in it's external as well 
 as internal arrangement. 
 
 By
 
 No. xoz. THE OBSERVER. ,67 
 
 By external I mean fpectacle, compre- 
 hending theatre, ftage, fcenery, orcheftra, 
 and all things elfe which fall within the pro- 
 vince of the arbiter deliciarum : Thefe mould 
 be planned upon a model new, original and 
 peculiar to themfelves ; fo induftrioufly dif- 
 tinguifhed from our public play-houfes, 
 that they fhould not flrike the eye, as now 
 they do, like a copy in miniature, but as the 
 independant fketch of a mafter who difdains 
 to copy. I can call to mind "many noble 
 halls and flately apartments in the great 
 houfes and caftles of our nobility, which 
 would give an artiil ample field for fancy, 
 and which with proper help would be difr 
 pofed into new and ftriking fhapes for fuch 
 a fcene of action, as mould become the 
 dignity of the performers. Halls and falcons, 
 flanked with interior columns and furrcund-, 
 ed by galleries, would, with the aid of pro- 
 per draperies or fcenery in the intercolumna- 
 tions, take a rich and elegant appearance, 
 and at the fame time the mufic might be fo 
 difpofed in the gallery, as to produce a mofl 
 animating effect. A very fmall elevation of 
 jftage moiUd 1 be allowed of, and no contrac- 
 tion by fide fcenes to huddle the fpeakers 
 
 together
 
 t >68 THE OBSERVER. No. 102. 
 
 together and embarrafs their deportment ; 
 no fhift of fcene whatever, and no curtain 
 to draw up and drop, as if puppets were to 
 play behind it ; the area, appropriated to the 
 performers, mould be fo dreffed and fur- 
 nimed with all fuitable accommodations, as 
 to afford every poflible opportunity to the 
 performers of varying their actions and pof- 
 tures, whether of fitting, walking or {land- 
 ing, as their fituations in the fcene, or their 
 interefl in the dialogue may dictate ; fo as 
 to familiarize and affimilate their whole con- 
 duct and converfation through the progrefs 
 of the drama, to the manners and habits of 
 well-bred perfons in real life. 
 
 Prologues and epilogues in the modern 
 flile of writing and fpeaking them I regard 
 as very unbecoming, and I mould blufh to 
 fee any lady of famion in that filly and un- 
 feemly fituation : They are the laft remain- 
 ing corruptions of the antient drama ; re- 
 liques of fertility, and only are retained in 
 our London theatres as vehicles of humili- 
 ation at the introduction of anew play, and 
 traps for falfe wit, extravagant conceits and 
 female flippancy at the conclufion of it : 
 Where authors are petitioners, and players 
 X ^ fervants
 
 No. 102. THE OBSERVER. 169 
 
 fervants to the public thefe condefcenfions 
 mult be made, but where poets are not fui- 
 tors, and performers are benefactors, why 
 mould the free Mufe wear (hackles ? for 
 fuch they are, though the ringers of the 
 brave are employed to put them on the 
 limbs of the fair. 
 
 As I am fatisfied nothing ought to be ad- 
 mitted from beginning to end, which can 
 provoke comparifons, I revolt with indigna- 
 tion from the idea of a lady of fafhion being 
 trammelled in the trickery of the ftage, and 
 taught her airs and graces, till (he is made 
 the mzrefac-Jtmi/e of a manneriit, where the 
 moft (he can afpire to is to be the copy of a 
 copyift : Let none fuch be confulted in dref- 
 fmg or drilling an honorary novitiate in the 
 forms and fafhions of the public ftage ; it is 
 a courfe of difcipline, v/hich neither perfon 
 will profit by ; a kind of barter, in which 
 both parties will give and receive falfe airs 
 and falfe conceits ; the fine lady will be dif- 
 qualified by copying the actrefs, and the 
 adbrefs will become ridiculous by apeing the 
 fine lady. 
 
 As for the choice of the drama, which is 
 fo nice and difficult a part of the bufmefs, 
 
 VOL. IV. I Ifcarce
 
 170 THE OBSERVER. No. 102. 
 
 I fcarce believe there is one play upon the 
 lift, which in all it's parts and paifages is 
 thoroughly adapted to fuch a carl as 1 am 
 fpeaking of: Where it has been in public 
 uie I am fure it is not, for there comparifons 
 are unavoidable. Plays profeffedly wrote for 
 the ftage rrmft deal in ftrong character, and 
 (Inking contraft : How can a lady Hand for- 
 ward in a part, contrived to produce ridicule 
 or difguft, or which is founded upon broad 
 humour and vulgar buffoonery ? 
 
 Nemfs ipfa vldetur t 
 "K'npfrfona toqui. 
 
 " 'TIs fhe berfelf, and not her raafk which fpeaks." 
 
 I doubt if it be altogether feemly for a 
 gentleman to undertake, unlefs he can re- 
 concile himfelf to cry out with Laberius 
 
 "Eques Komanus tttt e. egrejjuit nco 
 Domum revertam mimus. 
 
 *' Efquire I fign'd myfelf at noon, 
 " At night I counterfign'd Buffoon." 
 
 The drama therefore muft be purpofely 
 written for the occafion ; and the writer 
 muft not only have local knowledge of every 
 
 arrangement
 
 No. 102. THE OBSERVER. 17? 
 
 arrangement preparatory for the exhibition, 
 but perfonal knowledge alfo of the per- 
 formers, who are to exhibit it. The play 
 itfelf, in my conception of it, mould be 
 part only of the projected entertainment, 
 woven into the device of a grand and fplen- 
 didfete, given in fome noble country houfe 
 or palace : Neither fliould the fpectators be 
 totally excufed from their fublcription to 
 the general gala^ nor left to dofe upon their 
 benches through the progrefs of five tedious 
 acts, but called upon at intervals by mufic, 
 dance or refreshment, elegantly contrived, 
 to change the famenefs of the fcene and re- 
 lieve the efforts of the more active corps, 
 employed upon the drama. 
 
 And now let me fay one word to qualify 
 the irony I fet out with and acquit myfelf as 
 a moralift. 
 
 There are many and great authorities 
 againft this fpecies of entertainment, and 
 certainly the danger is great, where theatri- 
 cal propenfities are too much indulged in 
 young and inexperienced minds. Tenul- 
 lian fays, (but he is fpeaking of a very licen- 
 tious theatre) Theatrumjacrarium eft generis 
 " A playhoufe is the very focrifty of Ve- 
 I 2 ' mis."
 
 173 T II E O B S E R V E R. No. 101. 
 
 " mis." And Juvenal, who wrote in times 
 of the grofieft impurity, maintains that no 
 prudent man will take any young lady to 
 wife, who has ever been even within the 
 walls of a theatre 
 
 Cuneis an habtnljpeftacula totis 
 Quodfecurus arnes, ejuoJque lnde excerfere pojfis ? 
 
 ' Look round, and fay if any man of fenfe 
 *' Will dare to fingle out a wife from hence ?" 
 
 Young women of humble rank and fmall 
 pretenfions mould be particularly cautious 
 how a vain ambition of being noticed by 
 their fuperiors bet rays them into an attempt 
 at difplaying their unprotected perfons on 
 a ftage, however dignified and refpe&able. 
 If they have talents, and of courfe applaufe, 
 are their underflandings and manners proof 
 againft applaufe ? If they miftake their ta- 
 lents, and merit no applaufe, are they fure 
 they will get no contempt for their felf-con- 
 ' ceit ? If they have both a<fting talents and 
 attractive charms, I tremble for their dan- 
 ger ; let the foolifh parent, whofe itching 
 ears tingled with the plaudits, that refound- 
 ed through the theatre, where virgin mo- 
 
 defty
 
 No.ro>, THE OBSERVER, 173 
 
 deny depofited its blufhes, beware how his 
 aching heart mall throb with forrow, when 
 the daughter, qitae puttie a ad theatrum accef- 
 ferat, inde revertetur impudica. (Cyprian, ad 
 Donatum.) 
 
 So much by way of caution to the guar- 
 dians and protectors of innocence ; let the 
 offence light where it may, I care not, fo it 
 ferves the caufe for which my heart is 
 pledged. 
 
 As for my opinion of private plays in ge- 
 neral, though it is a Camion, which hath 
 kings and princes for it's nurfmg fathers and 
 queens and princeifes for its nurfing mothers, 
 I think it is a fafliion, that mould be cauti- 
 oufly indulged and narrowly confined to 
 certain ranks, ages and conditions in the 
 community at large. Grace forbid ! that 
 what the author of my motto faid fcofringly 
 of the Greeks mould be faid prophetically 
 of this nation;, emulate them in their love of 
 freedom, in their love of fcience ; rival them 
 in the greatefl of their actions, but not in 
 the verfatility of their mimic talents, till it 
 mail be faid of us by fome future fatirift , 
 
 Natio comceda eft. RiJes f majore cachinno 
 Concutitur : fict y ft lacrymas afpexit amici 3 
 
 I 3 Nee
 
 ; ; <,, THE OBSERVER. No. ioa. 
 
 }fffC t'o/et. Ignlcultim brum^t Ji tcmporepofcas, 
 S.cdblt (.iidromidem : Si dtxeris, tejiuo, ftulat, 
 yJnfumus ergo pares ; rice/tor, qnifemper et omni 
 j\ "ifie eiicque poteft alicnunifumere vultum, 
 
 * Laugh, and your merry echo burfts his fides ; 
 " Wtc-p, and his courteous tears gufli out in tides: 
 '* Light a few fticks you cry, 'tis wintry Lo ! 
 " lie's a furr'd Laplander from top to toe ; 
 tl Vut out the fire, for now 'tis warm He's more, 
 " Mot, fultry hot, and /weats at every pore : 
 4t Oh ! he's beyond us; we can make no race 
 ".With one, who night and day maintains his pace, 
 " And faft as y ou finf: humours ftill can fliift his face." 
 
 Before 1 clofe this paper I wifli to go 
 biick to what I faid refpefting the propriety 
 of new and occalional dramas for private ex- 
 hibition : Too many men are in the habit of 
 decrying their contemporaries, and this dif- 
 couraging practice feems more generally le- 
 velled at the dramatic province, than any 
 ether i but whilft the authors of fuch tragic 
 dramas as Douglas, Elfrida and Car aft a c us t 
 of fuch comic ones as The School for Scandal, 
 'The Jealous- Wife, 'the Clandeftine Marriage 
 and The Way to Keep Him, with others in 
 both lines, are yet amongli us, why fhould 
 we fuppofe the ftate of genius fo declined 
 as not to furnifh poets able to fupport and 
 
 to
 
 No. i oa. THE OBSERVER. 175 
 
 to fupply their honorary reprefentatives ? 
 Numbers there are no doubt, unnamed and 
 unknown, whom the fiery trial of a public 
 flage deters from breaking their obfcurity : 
 Let difmterefled fame be their prize and 
 there will be no want of competitors. 
 
 Latet anguis in herba, 
 
 There is aferpent in t/tegrafs, and that fer- 
 pent is the emblem of wifdom ; the very 
 iymbol of wit upon the watch, couching for 
 a while under the cover of obfcurity, till the 
 bright rays of the fun (hall ilrike upon it, 
 give it life and motion to erect itfelf on end 
 and difplay the dazzling colours of it's bur- 
 niftied fcales. 
 
 " Though thou, vile cynic, art the age's fhame, 
 
 " Hope not to damn all living fame ; 
 . " True wit is arm'd in fcales fo bright, 
 
 " It dazzles thy dull owlifti fight ; 
 
 " Thy wolfifh fangs no entrance gain, 
 
 " They gnaw, they tug, they gnafh in vain, 
 " Their hungry malice does but edge their pain. 
 
 " Avaunt, profane! 'tis confecrated ground : 
 
 " Let no unholy foot be found 
 ** Where the Arts mingle, where the Mufes hau-ur, 
 " And the Nine Sifters hymn their facred chaunt, 
 
 I 4 " Where.
 
 i;5 THE OBSERVER. No. 102. 
 
 *' Where freedom's nymph-like form appears, 
 " And high 'midfl the harmonious fpheres 
 " Science her laurel- crowned head uprears. 
 
 ' Ye moral mafters of the human heart! 
 
 " And you advance, ye fons of Art ! 
 
 " Let Fame's far-echoing trumpet found 
 '* To fummon all her candidates around; 
 
 " Then bid old Time his roll explore, 
 
 " And fay what age prefents a ftore 
 " In merit greater or in numbers more. 
 
 " Come forth, and boldly flrike the lyre, 
 
 " Break into fong, poetic choir ! 
 " Let Tragedy's loud ftrains in thunder roll : 
 *' With Pity's dying cadence melt the foul ; 
 
 " And now provoke a fprightlier lay ; 
 
 " Hark ! Comedy begins to play, 
 *' She fmites the firing, and Dullnefs flits away. 
 
 ct For envious Dullnefs will efTay to fling 
 
 *' Her mud into the Mufe's fpring, 
 
 " Whilft critic curs with pricking ears 
 
 *' Bark at each bard as he appears ; 
 
 *' Ev'n the fair drarratift, who fips 
 
 " Her Helicon with modefl lips, 
 *' Sometimes alas ! in troubled water dips. 
 
 " But flop not, fair one, faint not in thy tail:, 
 '' Slip on the fock and fnatch the malk, 
 " Pblifh thy clear reflecting glafs, 
 * And catch the manners as they pafs ; 
 '* Call home thy playful Sylphs again, 
 * And chear them with a livelier ftrain; 
 
 14 Fame weaves no wreath that is not earn'd with pain. 
 
 " And
 
 No. io2. THE OBSERVER. ~i?7 
 
 " And thou, whofe happy talent hit 
 
 " The richeft vein of Congreve's wit, 
 " Ah ! fickle rover, falfe ingrateful loon, 
 " Did the fond eafy Mufe confent too foon, 
 
 " That thou fhould'ft quit Thalia's arms 
 
 " For an old Begum's tawny charms, 
 fi And fhake us, not with laughter, but alarms? 
 
 * Curft be ambition ! Hence with mufiy laws I 
 " Why pleads the bard but in Apollo's caufe ? 
 " Why move the Court and humbly apprehend 
 <( But as the Mufe's advocate and friend? 
 " She taught his faithful fcene to mow 
 " All that man's varying paffions know, 
 " Gay-flafliing- wit and heart-diflblving woe- 
 
 " Thou too, thrice happy in a Jealous Wife,, 
 " Comic interpreter of nuptial life, 
 
 " Know that all candid hearts deteft 
 
 " Th' unmanly fcofFer's cruel jeft^ 
 
 Who for his jibes no butt could find 
 
 " But what cold palfy left behind; 
 " A fliaking man with an unfhaken mind. 
 
 " And ye, who- teach man's lordly race, 
 
 " That woman's wit will have its place,, 
 
 " Matrons and maidens who infpire 
 " The fcenic flute or fweep the Sapphic lyre,. 
 
 " Go, warble in the fylvan feat, 
 
 " Where the Parnaffian fifters meet,. 
 * And ftamp the rugged foil with female feet. 
 
 " 'Tis ye, who interweave the myrtle bough 
 " With the proud palm that crowns Britannia's brow,, 
 I S. " Who y
 
 i?S THE OBSERVER. No. 103. 
 
 l< Who, to the age in which ye live 
 
 " It's charms, it's graces and it's glories give ; 
 " For me, I feek no higher praife, 
 " But to crop one fmall fprig of bays, 
 
 *' And wear it in the funfhine of your days.'* 
 
 NO. cm. 
 
 T ro not know a man in England better re- 
 ceived in the circles of the great than 
 Jack Gaylefs ; Though he has no one quality 
 for which he ought to be reflected, and 
 fome points in his character for which he 
 fhould be held in deteflation, yet his man- 
 ners are externally fo agreeable, and his tem- 
 per generally fo focial, that he makes a holi- 
 day in every family where he vilits. He lives 
 with the nobility upon the eafieft footing, 
 and in the great houfes where he is in ha- 
 bits of intimacy, he knows all the domef- 
 tics by name, and has fomething to fay to 
 every one of them upon his arrival : He has 
 a joke with the butler at the fide-board dur- 
 ing dinner, and fets the footman a tittering 
 behind his chair, and is fo comical and fo 
 familiar He has the beft receipt book in 
 
 England,
 
 No. TO.J. THE OBSERVER. 179 
 
 England, and recommends himfelf to the 
 cook by a new fauce, for he is in the fe- 
 crets of the King's kitchen at Verfailles : 
 He has the fine ft breed of fpaniels in Eu- 
 rope, and is never without a puppy at the 
 command of a friend : He knows the theory 
 of hunting from top to bottom, is always in 
 with the hounds, can develop every hit in a 
 check, and was never known to chear a- 
 wrong dog in a cover, when he gives his 
 tongue : If you want an odd horfe to match 
 your fet, Jack is your man ; and for a neat 
 travelling carriage, there is not an item that 
 he will not fuperintend, if you are defirous 
 to employ him; he will be at your door with 
 it, when the builder brings it home,, to fee 
 that nothing is wanting, he is fo ready and 
 fo obliging : No man canvafles a county or 
 borough like Jack Gaylefs ; he is fo plea- 
 fant with the freeholders, and has fo many 
 fongs and fuch facetious toafts, and fuch 
 a way with him amongft their wives and 
 daughters, that flefh and blood cannot hold 
 out againft him : In fhort,. he i$ the beft 
 leader of a mob, and of courfe the hone/left 
 fellow in England. 
 
 A merchant's daughter of great fortune 
 I 6 married
 
 i8o THE OBSERVER. No. 103, 
 
 married him for love; he ran away with her 
 from a boarding-fchool, but her father after 
 a time was reconciled to his fon-iri-law, and 
 Jack, during the life of the good man, paf- 
 fed his time in a fmall country houfe on 
 Clapham Common, fuperintending the con- 
 cerns of about fix acres of ground ; being 
 very expert however in the gardens and 
 grape-houfe, and a very fociable fellow over 
 a bottle with the citizen and his friends on 
 a Saturday and Sunday, he became a mighty 
 favourite : All this while he lived upon the 
 bed terms with his wife ; kept her a neat 
 little palfrey, and regularly took his airing on 
 the common by her fide in the moil uxori- 
 ous manner : She was in fa6t a moft excel- 
 lent creature, of the fweeteft temper and 
 mildefl manners, fo that there feemed no 
 interruption to their happinefs, but what 
 arofe from her health, which was of a deli- 
 cate nature. After a few years the citizen 
 died, and Jack, whofe conviviality had given 
 him a helping hand out of the world, 
 found himfelf in poffeffion of a very hand- 
 ibme fum of money upon cafting up his 
 affairs at his deceafe. 
 
 Jack Gaylefs having no further purpofe 
 
 to
 
 No. lOj. THE OBSERVER. 181 
 
 to ferve, faw no occafion to confult appear- 
 ances any longer, and began to form con- 
 nexions, in which he did not think it necef- 
 fary for his wife to have a fliare. He now 
 fet out upon the purfuit of what the world 
 calls pleaiure, and foon found himfelf in the 
 company of thofe whom the world calls the 
 Great. He had the addrefs to recommend 
 himfelf to his new acquaintance, and ufed 
 great difpatch in getting rid of his old ones; 
 His wife was probably his greateft incum- 
 brance on this occafion ; but Jack poffefled 
 one art in perfection, which flood him in 
 great flead ; he had the civilleft way of in- 
 fulting that could be imagined ; and as> the 
 feelings of his wife were thofe of the fond- 
 eft fufceptibility, operating upon a weak 
 and delicate conftitution, he fucceeded to 
 admiration in tormenting her by neglect, at 
 the fame time that he never gave her a 
 harm expreffion, and in particular, when 
 any body elfe was preferit, behaved himfelf 
 towards her in fo obliging a manner, that 
 all his acquaintance fet him down as the beft 
 tempered fellow living, and her as a lady, 
 by his report, rather captious and querulen- 
 tial. When he had thus got the world on 
 
 his
 
 i*2 THE OBSERVER. No, 103. 
 
 his fide, he detached himfelf more and more 
 from her fociety, and became lefs ftudious 
 to difguife the infults he put upon her : She 
 declined faft in her health, and certain fymp- 
 toms began to appear, which convinced 
 Jack that a perfeverance in his fyftem would 
 in a fhort time lay her in the grave, and 
 leave him without any further moleflation. 
 Her habit was consumptive, for where is 
 the human frame that can long refifl the 
 agony of the heart ? In this extremity (he 
 requefted the affiflance of a certain phyfi- 
 cian, very eminent in thefe cafes : This lit- 
 tle gentleman has a way of hitting off the 
 complaints of his patients, which is not al- 
 ways fo convenient to thofe expectant par- 
 ties, who have made up their minds and 
 reconciled themfelves to the call of nature. 
 As Jack had one object, and the Doctor 
 another, they did not entirely agree in their 
 procefs, and fhe was fent down by her huf- 
 'band into a diftant county for the benefit 
 of the air, in a low fituation and a damp 
 houfe. Jack and the phylician had now' a 
 fcene of altercation, in which it was evi- 
 dent that the leaft man of the two had the 
 great eft fpirit and the largeft heart, and 
 
 J ack
 
 No. 163. THE OBSERVER. i8j 
 
 Jack certainly put up with fome expreffions, 
 which could only be patted over by perfect 
 innocence or abfolute cowardice : The little 
 Doctor, who had no objection to fend Jack 
 out of the world, and a very longing defire 
 to keep his lady in it, fpoke like a man who 
 had long been in the practice of holding 
 death at defiance ; but what Jack loft in ar- 
 gument he made up in addrefs, and after 
 profefling his acquiefcence in the meafures of 
 his antagonifl, he filently determined to 
 purfue his own, aad the Doctor's depar- 
 ture was very foon followed by that of his 
 patient. The dying wife made a feeble ftand 
 for a while, but what can a broken heart 
 do againft a hardened one ? 
 
 After Jack had taken fuch zealous pains 
 to over-rule the Doctor's advice, it is not to 
 be fuppofed but he would have accompanied 
 his wife to the place of her destination, if 
 it had been only for the fatisfaction of con- 
 'templating the effects of his own greater 
 fagacity in her cafe; and he protefted to her, 
 in the kindeft manner, that nothing (hould 
 have robbed him of the pleafure of attending 
 fter on the journey, but the mod indifpen- 
 fable and unexpected bufmefs : He had juft 
 
 then
 
 184 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 103. 
 
 then received letters from two friends, which 
 would be .attended with the greateft breach 
 of honour, if neglected ; and fhe knew his 
 nicety of principle in thofe affairs : He would 
 not read them to her, as fhe was in too weak 
 a condition (he obferved) to attend to bufi- 
 nels, but me might reft allured, he would, 
 if poflible, overtake her on the way, or be 
 with her in a few hours after her arrival, for 
 he fliould be impatient to be a witncfs of 
 her recovery, which he perfuaded himfelf 
 would foon take place, when fhe had made 
 experiment of the place he had chofen for 
 her. When he had finished his apology, 
 his wife raifed her eyes from the ground, 
 where fhe had fixed them whilft he was 
 fpeaking, and with a look of fuch mild 
 languor, and fuch dying foftnefs, as would 
 almoft have melted marble into pity, mourn- 
 fully replied farewell ! and refigning her- 
 . felf to the fupport of her maid and a nurfe, 
 . was lifted into her carriage, and left her 
 hufband to purfue his bufmefs without re- 
 proach. 
 
 Jack Gaylefs now lofl no further time in 
 fulfilling the promife he had made to his 
 wife, and immediately began to apply him- 
 felf
 
 No. loj. THE OBSERVER. 185 
 
 felf to the letters, which had fo indifpen- 
 fably prevented him from paying her thofe 
 kind offices, which her fituation was in fo 
 much need of. Thefe letters I mail now 
 infert, as fome of my readers may probably 
 think he wants a juftification on this occa- 
 fion. The fir ft was from a great lady of 
 imblemifhed reputation, who has a charac- 
 ter for public charity and domeftic virtues, 
 which even malice has not dared to impeach. 
 Her ladymip was now at her country feat, 
 where (he prefided at a table of the moft 
 fplendid hofpitality, and regulated a princely 
 eflablimment with confummate judgment 
 and decorum : In this great family Jack 
 had long been a welcome vifiter, and as he 
 had received a thoufand kindneffes at her 
 hands, gratitude would difpofe him to con- 
 fider her requefts as commands the moft 
 preffing. The important contents were as 
 follows, viz, 
 
 Dear Jack, 
 
 I am firry your wife's fojick', but met kinks 
 you d do zvell to change the fcene y and come 
 amon^ft us, now home's fo dull. You'll be 
 to hear I have clapp'd Tom Jones in 
 
 the
 
 i86 THE OB SERVER. No. 103. 
 
 the back Jinews : Ned has put a charge to 
 him, but he is fo cruelly let down, I am afraid 
 he miiji be Jcor d with a fine iron, and that 
 will be an eye-fore, to Jay no worfe on't. My 
 lord you know hates writing, fo he bids me tell 
 you to bring Moll Rofs with you, as he thinks 
 there is a young man here will take her off your 
 hands ; and as you have had the be/I of her, 
 andJJie is rather under your weight, think you'll 
 be glad to get well out of her. Would you be- 
 lieve it, I was eight hours in the f addle yefter- 
 day : We dug a fox in Lady Tabby's park : 
 The eld Dowager goes on Jetting traps ; all the 
 country round cries out upon it : Thank the 
 fates, Jhe had a pfd peacock and a whole 
 brood of Guinea fowls carried off lajl night : 
 My lord fays ' tis a judgment upon her. Dont 
 forget to bring your Highland farrier, as I 
 would fain have a crofs with my bitch Cruel. 
 Dear Jack, your's y 
 
 As Jack Gaylefs was not one of thofe 
 milkfops, who let family excufes fcand in the 
 way of the more amiable office of obliging 
 his friends, and faw in its juft light the ridi- 
 cule he would .naturally expofe himfelf to, 
 
 if
 
 No. 103. THE OBSERVER. 187 
 
 if he flickered himfelf under fo filly a pre- 
 tence as a wife's ficknefs, he would infallibly 
 have obeyed her lady (hip's commands, and 
 let out with the Highland tarrier inflead of 
 Mrs. Gaylefs, if he had not been divided by 
 another very preffing attention, which every 
 man of the world will acknowledge the im- 
 portance of. There was a certain young 
 lady of eafy virtue, who had made a tender 
 impreffion on his heart as he was innocently 
 taking the air in Hyde Park : He had pre- 
 vailed fo far with her as to gain her confent 
 to an appointment for that day : not forefee- 
 ing, as I fhould fuppofe, of perhaps not juft 
 at that moment recolle&ing his wife's jour- 
 ney, and the call there would be upon him 
 on that account. This young lady, who 
 was wanting in no other virtue but chaftity, 
 had learnt fome particulars of Mr. Gaylefs, 
 which (he had not been informed of when 
 .{he yielded to the affignation, and in confe- 
 quence had written him the following per- 
 plexing billet : 
 
 Sir, 
 
 / am forry it is not -pojjiblefor me to receive 
 the honour of your vijit, and the more fo, as I 
 
 am
 
 iS8 THE OBSERVER. No. ioj* 
 
 am afraid my reason for declining it, though 
 infuperable with me t will not appear afuffident 
 one in your opinion. I have jujl now been in- 
 formed that you are a married man j this would 
 have been enough, if I had not heard it with 
 the addition, that your Lady is one of the moft 
 excellent and moft injured women living if 
 indeed JJie be yet living, for I learn from the 
 fame authority that fne is in the lajl Jlage of a 
 rapid decline. 
 
 In what light mujl I regard myfelf, if I was 
 tofupplyyou with a motive for neglefting that- 
 attention, which herjituation demands of you ? 
 Don't let it fur prize you, that a woman who has 
 forfeited her claim to modejly, flwuld yet retain 
 fame pretenfions to humanity : If you have re- 
 nounced both the one and the other y / have a 
 double motive for declining your acquaintance. 
 
 The flile of this letter feemed fo extraor- 
 dinary to Jack, and fo unlike what he had 
 been ufed to receive from correfpondents of 
 this lady's defcription, that it is not to be 
 wondered at, if it threw him into a profound 
 meditation : Not that the rebuke made any 
 other impreffion on him, than as it feemed to 
 
 involve
 
 No. 103. THE OBSERVER, 189 
 
 involve a myftery which he could not ex- 
 pound ; for it never entered into his head to 
 fuppofe that the writer was it earnefl. In 
 this dilemma he imparted it to a friend, and 
 with his ufual gaiety defired his help to 
 unriddle it : His friend perufed it, and with 
 a ferious countenance told him he was 'ac- 
 quainted with the lady, and gave her perfect 
 credit for the fincerity of the fentiments it 
 contained : She was a romantic girl, he told 
 him, and not worth a further thought ; but 
 as he perceived he was chagrined with the 
 affair, he advifed him to take poft for the 
 country, and attend the fummons of his 
 noble correfpondent, for that he himfelf had 
 always found the diflipation of a journey 
 the beft remedy in all cafes of vexation, like 
 the prefent. This friendly advice was imme- 
 diately followed by an order for the journey, 
 and Jack Gaylefs put himfelf into his poft- 
 chaife, with his tarrier by his fide, ordering 
 his groom to follow with Moll Rofs by eafy 
 ftages . 
 
 Whilft Jack was rapidly pofting towards 
 the houfe of jollity and diflipation, his 
 fuffering and forfaken wife by flow ftages 
 purfued her laft melancholy journey : Sup- 
 ported
 
 190 THE OBSERVER. No. 103. 
 
 ported in her coach by her two women, and 
 attended -by an old man-fervant of her fa- 
 ther's, (lie at laft reached the allotted houfe, 
 where her miferies were to find a period. 
 One indifcretion only, a ftolen and precipi- 
 tate marriage, had marked her life with a 
 blemifh, and the hufband, who in early 
 youth had betrayed her artiefs affection into 
 that fatal miftake, was now the chofen in- 
 ftniment of chaftiiement. She bore her 
 complicated afflictions with the mofl pa- 
 tient resignation ; neither licknefs nor for- 1 
 row forced a complaint from her; and 
 Death, by the gentlenefs of his advances, 
 feemed to lay afide his terrors, and approach 
 her with refpect and pity. 
 
 Jack was ftill upon his vifit, when he re- 
 ceived the news of her death : This event 
 obliged him to break off from a moft agree- 
 able party, and take a journey to London , 
 but as the feafon had happened to fet in for 
 a fevere froft, and the fox-hounds w r ere con- 
 fined to their kennel, he had the confolation 
 to reflect that his amufements were not fo 
 much interrupted as they might have been. 
 He gave orders for a handfome funeral, and 
 depprted himfelf with fuch outward pro- 
 priety
 
 No. 104. THE OBSERVER. i 9 z 
 
 priety on the occafion, that all the world 
 gave him credit for his behaviour, and he 
 continues to be the fame popular character 
 amongft his acquaintance, and univerfally 
 careffed : In fliort, Jack Gaylefs (to ufe the 
 phrafe of famion) is the honefteft fellow m 
 England, and a difgrace to human na- 
 ture. 
 
 No. CIV. 
 
 npHE conduct of a young lady, who is the 
 only daughter of a very worthy father, 
 and fome alarming particulars refpecting her 
 lituation which had come to my knowledge, 
 gave occafion to me for writing my Paper, 
 No. XXVII. in which I endeavour to point 
 out the confequences parents have to appre- 
 hend from novels, which though written upon 
 moral plans, may be apt to take too ilrong 
 a hold upon young and fufceptible minds, 
 efpecially in the fofter fex, and produce an 
 affected character, where we wifh to find a 
 natural one. 
 
 As the young perfon in queftion is now 
 happily extricated from all danger, and has 
 
 feeh
 
 t 9 a THE OBSERVER. No. 104. 
 
 feen her error, I mall relate her ftory, not 
 only as it contains fome incidents which are 
 amufing, but as it tends to illuftrate by ex- 
 ample the feveral inftruc~lions, which in 
 my Paper before mentioned I endeavoured 
 to convey. 
 
 Sappho is the only child of Clemens, who 
 is a widower ; a paffionate fondnefs for this 
 daughter, tempered with a very fmall fliare 
 of obfervation or knowledge of the world, 
 determined Clemens to an attempt (which 
 has feldom been found to fucceed) of ren- 
 dering Sappho a miracle of accomplim- 
 ments, by putting her under the inftrudions 
 of mailers in almoft every art and fcience 
 at one and the fame time : His houfe now 
 became an academy of muficians, dancing- 
 mafters, language-mafters, drawing-mailers, 
 geographers, hiftorians, and a variety of in- 
 ferior artifls male and female ; all thefe ftu- 
 dies appeared the more defirable to Cle- 
 mens, from his own ignorance of them, 
 having devoted his life to bufinefs of a very 
 different nature. Sappho made juft as much 
 progrefs in each, as is ufual with young la- 
 dies fo attended; (lie could do a little of 
 moft of them, and talk of all : She could 
 
 play
 
 No. 104. THE OBSERVER. 193 
 
 play a- concerto by heart with every grace 
 her matter had taught her, note for note, 
 with the precife repetition of a barrel-organ : 
 She had ftuck the room round with draw- 
 ings, which Clemens praifed to the Ikies, 
 and which Sappho aflured him had been 
 only touched tip a little by her mafter : She 
 could tell the capital of every country, when 
 he queflioned her out of the newfpaper, 
 and would point out the very fpot upon 
 the terreftrial globe, where Paris, Madrid, 
 Naples and Conftantinople actually were to 
 be found : She . had as much French as 
 puzzled Clemens, and would have ferved 
 her to buy blond-lace and Paris netting 
 at a French, milliner's ; nay, (he had gone 
 fo far as to pen a letter in that language to 
 a young lady of her acquaintance, which her 
 mafter, who flood over whilft me wrote it, 
 declared to be -little inferior in flile to Ma- 
 dame Sevigne's: In hiflory, both antient 
 and modern, her progrefs was proportion- 
 able, for (he could run through the twelve 
 Czefars in a breath, and reckon up all the 
 kings from the conqueft upon her fingers 
 without putting one out of place ; this ap- 
 peared a prodigy to Clemens, and in the 
 VOL. IV. K warmth
 
 I 9 4 THEOBSERVER. No. 104. 
 
 warmth of his heart he fairly told her "(he 
 was one of the world's wonders ; Sappho 
 aptly fet him right in this miftake, by af- 
 furing him that there were but feven won- 
 ders in the world, all of which me repeated 
 to him, and only left him more convinced 
 that me herfelf was defervedly the eighth. 
 
 There was a gentleman about fifty years 
 old, a friend of Clemens, who came fre- 
 quently to his houfe, and, being a man of 
 talents and leifure, was fo kind as to take 
 great pains in directing and bringing Sappho 
 forward in her ftudies : This was a very ac- 
 ceptable fervice to Clemens, and the vifits 
 of Mujidorus were always joyfully welcomed 
 both by him and Sappho herfelf: Mufido- 
 rus declared himfelf overpaid by the delight 
 it gave him to contemplate the opening ta- 
 lents of fo promifmg a young lady j and as 
 Sappho was now of years to eftablifh her 
 pretenfions to tafte and fentiment, Mufi- 
 dorus made fuch a fele&ion of authors for 
 her reading, as were beft calculated to ac- 
 complilh her in thofe particulars : In fet- 
 tling this important choice, he was careful 
 to put none but writers of delicacy and fen- 
 fibility into her hands ; interefting and af- 
 fecting
 
 No. zo4. THE OBSERVER. 195 
 
 feeling tales or novels were the books he 
 chiefly recommended, which, by exhibiting 
 the faircft patterns of female purity (fuffer- 
 ing diftrefs and even death itfelf from the 
 attacks of licentious paflion in the grofler 
 fex) might infpire her fympathetic heart 
 with pity, and guard it from feduction by 
 difplaying profligacy in its moft odious 
 colours. 
 
 Sappho's propenfiy to thefe fludies fully 
 anfwered the intentions of her kind direc- 
 tor, and (lie became more and more attach- 
 ed to works of fentiment and pathos. Mufi- 
 dorus's next folicitude was to form her ilile, 
 and with this view he took upon himfelf the 
 trouble of carrying on a kind of proba- 
 tionary correfpondence with her ; this happy 
 expedient fucceeded beyond expectation, 
 for as two people, who law each other every 
 . day, could have very little matter to write 
 upon, there was fo much the more exercife 
 for invention; and fuch was the copioufnefs 
 and fluency of expreflion which me became 
 miftrefs of by this ingenious practice, that 
 (he could fill four fides of letter paper with 
 what other people exprefs upon the back of 
 a card: Clemens once, in the exultation 
 K 2 of
 
 196 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 104. 
 
 of his heart, put a bundle of thefe manu- 
 fcripts into my hands, which he confefled 
 he did not clearly underftand, but neverthe- 
 lefs believed them to be the moft elegant 
 things in the language; I mall give the 
 reader a fample of two of them, which I drew 
 out of the number, not by choice, but by 
 chance; they were carefully folded, and 
 labelled at the back in Sappho's own hand as 
 follows, Mujidorus to Sappho of the loth of 
 June ; underneath me had wrote with a pen- 
 cil thele words : 
 
 PICTURESQUE ! 
 
 ELEGANT ! 
 
 HAPPY ALLUSION TO THE SUN ! 
 
 KING DAVID NOT TO BE COMPARED TO 
 
 MUSIDORUS. 
 
 Here follows the note, and I cannot doubt 
 but the reader will confefs that its contents 
 deferve all that the label exprefles. 
 
 " June the loth 1785. 
 " As foon as I arofe this morning, I di- 
 " re&ed my eyes to the eaft, and demanded 
 " of the fun, if he had given you my good- 
 " morrow : This was my parting injunc- 
 " tion laft night, when I took leave of him 
 
 "in
 
 No. 104- THE OBSERVER. 197 
 
 " in the weft, and he this moment plays his 
 " beams with fo particular a luftre, that I am 
 " fatisfied he has fulfilled my commiffion, 
 " and faluted the eyelids of Sappho : If he 
 " is defcribed to come forth as a bridegroom 
 " out of his chamber , how much rather may 
 " it be faid of him, when he comes forth 
 " out of your y s ? I mall look for him to per- 
 " form his journey this day with a peculiar 
 " glee ; I exped he will not fuffer a cloud 
 " to come near him, and 'I fliall not be 
 " furprized, if through his eagernefs to 
 " repeat his next morning's falutation, he 
 " mould whip his fiery-footed Jleeds to tha 
 " weft fome hours before their time j 
 *' unlefs indeed you mould walk forth 
 " whilft he is defcending, and he fhould 
 " delay the wheels of his chariot to look 
 " back upon an object fo pleafmg. You fee 
 " therefore, moft amiable Sappho, that 
 " unlefs you fulfil your engagement, and 
 " confent to repeat our ufual ramble in the 
 " cool of the evening, our part of the 
 "- world is likely to be in darknefs before it 
 ft * is expected, and that nature herfelf will be 
 " put out of courfe, if Sappho forfeits her 
 " promife to Mufidorus.** 
 
 K 3. " SAPPHO
 
 9 8 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 104. 
 
 " SAPPHO IN REPLY TO MUSIBORUS." 
 
 " If nature holds her courfe till Sappho 
 " forfeits her word to Mufidorus, neither 
 *' the letting nor the rifing fun (hall vary 
 " from his appointed time. But why does 
 " Mufidorus afcribe to me fo flattering an 
 " influence, when, if I have any intereft 
 " with Apollo, it muft be to his good 
 " offices only that I owe it ? If he bears the 
 " meflages of Mufidorus to me, is it not 
 " a mark of his refpect to the perfon who 
 " fends him, rather than to her he is fent 
 " to ? And whom mould he fo willingly 
 " obey, as one whom he fo copiouily in- 
 " fpires ? I mail walk as ufual in the cool 
 " hour of even-tide, liflening with greedy 
 " ear to that difcourfe, which, by the re- 
 ** fined and elevated fentiments it infpires, 
 ft has taught me to look down with filent 
 " pity and contempt upon thofe frivolous 
 " beings, who talk the mere language of 
 " the fenfes, not of the foul, and to whofe 
 " filly prattle I neither condefcend to lend 
 " an ear, or to fubfcribe a word. Know then 
 " that Sappho will referve her attention for 
 
 " Mufidorus,
 
 No. 104. THE OBSERVER. 199 
 
 " Mufidorus, and if Apollo flail delay the 
 . " zvheels of his chariot to wait upon us in 
 " our evening ramble, believe me he will 
 " not flop for the unworthy purpofe of 
 " looking back upon Sappho, but for the 
 " nobler gratification of liftening to Mufi- 
 dorus." 
 
 The evening walk took place as ufual, 
 but it was a walk in the dufty purlieus of 
 London, and Sappho fighed for a cottage 
 and the country : Mufidorus feconded the 
 figh, and he had abundance of fine things 
 to fay on the occafion : Retirement is a 
 charming fubject for a fentimental enthu- 
 fiaft ; there is not a poet in the language, 
 but will help him out with a defcription ; 
 Mufidorus had them all at his fingers ends, 
 from Hefperus that led the Jlarry hqft, down 
 to a glow-worm. 
 
 The paflion took fo ftrong a hold of Sap- 
 pho's mind, that fhe actually afTailed her 
 father on the fubje6r, and with great energy 
 of perfuafion moved him to adopt her ideas : 
 It did not exactly fuit Clemens to break 
 up a very lucrative profeflion, and fet out 
 in fearch of fome folitary cottage, whofe, 
 K 4 romantic
 
 aoo THE OBSERVER. No. 104. 
 
 romantic fituation might fuit the fpiritu- 
 alized defires of his daughter, and I am 
 afraid he was for once in his life not quite 
 fo refpectful to her wifhes, as he might 
 have been : Sappho .was fo unufed to con- 
 tradiction, that me explained herfelf to 
 Muiidorus with fome afperity, and it be- 
 came the fuhject of much debate between 
 them : Not that he held a contrary opinion 
 from her's ; but the difficulty which embar- 
 rafled both parties was, where to find the 
 happy fcene Hie fighed for, and how to ob- 
 tain it when it was found. The firft part 
 of this difficulty was at laft furmounted, 
 -and the chofen fpot was pointed out by 
 Mufidorus, which according to his defcrip- 
 tion was the very bower of felicity ; it was 
 in a northern county at a diflance from the 
 capital, and its fituation was moft delectable : 
 The next meafure was a ftrong one ; for the 
 queftion to be decided was, if Sappho mould 
 abandon her "'project or her father; me 
 called upon Mufidorus for his opinion, and 
 he delivered it as follows : " If I was not 
 " convinced, moft amiable Sappho, that a 
 " fecond application to Clemens would be 
 " as unfuccefsful as the firft, I would ad- 
 
 " vife
 
 No. ro*.. THE OBSERVER. 201 
 
 " vife you to the experiment ; but as 
 *' there is no doubt of this, it muft be the 
 " heighth of imprudence to put that to a 
 " trial, of which there is no hope : It comes 
 " therefore next to be considered, if you 
 " fhall give up your plan, or execute it with- 
 " out his privky ; in other words, if you 
 ** fhall or (hall not do that; which is to 
 " make you happy : If it were not confif- 
 " tent with the ftrideft purity of character, 
 " I (hould anfwer no; but when I refled: 
 " upon the innocence, the fimplicity, the 
 " moral beauty of the choice you make, 
 " I then regard the duty you owe to yourfelf 
 " as fuperior to all others, which are falfely 
 " called natural; whereas, if you follow this in 
 " preference, you obey nature herfelf: If you 
 *' were of an age too childim to be allow 
 " ed to know what fuits you beft,, or, if 
 ** being old enough to be intitled to a 
 ** choice, you wanted wit to make one, 
 " there would be no doubt in the cafe; 
 " nay, I will go fo far as to fay, that if 
 " Clemens was a man of judgment fuperior 
 " to your own, I mould be daggered with 
 ** his oppofition ; but if truth may ever be 
 " fpoken, it may on this occalion, and who 
 K 5 "is
 
 ao* THE OBSERVER. No. 104. 
 
 " is there that does not fee the weaknefs of 
 " the father's underftanding ; who but muft 
 " acknowledge the pre-eminence of the 
 " daughter's ? I will fpeak yet plainer, moft 
 " incomparable Sappho, it is not fitting 
 " that folly fhould prefcribe to wifdom : 
 " The queftion therefore is come to an 
 " upfliot, Shall Sappho live a life (he de- 
 " fpifes and detefts, to humour a father, 
 " whofe weaknefs me pities, but whofe 
 " judgment (he cannot refpect ?" 
 
 " No," replied Sappho, " that point is 
 " decided ; pafs on to the next, and fpeak 
 " to me upon the practicability of exe- 
 " cuting what I am refolved to attempt.'* 
 "The authority of a parent,", refumed 
 " Nlufidorus, " is fuch over an unpro- 
 " tected child, that reafon will be no de- 
 *' fence to you againil obftinacy and coer- 
 " cion. In the cafe of a fon, profeffion 
 " gives that defence : new duties are im- 
 *' pofed by a man's vocation, which iuper- 
 " fede what are called natural ones; but 
 " in the inftance of a daughter, where mail 
 " flie fly for protection againft the impe- 
 " rious controul of a parent, but to the 
 " arms ? I tremble to pronounce the 
 
 word i
 
 No. 104. THEOBSERVER. 105 
 
 " word ; your own imagination muft com- 
 " plete the fentence" " Oh ! horrible !" 
 cried Sappho, interrupting him, " I wiH 
 " never marry ; I will never fo contaminate 
 " the fpotlefs luftre of my incorporeal pu- 
 " rity : No, Mufidorus, no /'// bear my 
 " bhijhing honours fill about me" " And fit 
 " you mould,'* cried Mufidorus, " what 
 *' damon dare defile them ? Periih the man, 
 " that could intrude a fenfual thought with- 
 ** in the fphere of fuch repelling virtue ! 
 " But marriage is a form ; and forms are pure; 
 " at lead they may be fuch ; there's no pollu- 
 " tion in a name ; and if a name will melter 
 " you, why (hould you fear to take it ?" 
 " I perceive," anfwered Sappho, " that I 
 " am in a very dangerous dilemma; fince 
 ** the very expedient, which is to protect 
 " me from violence of one fort, expofes 
 " me to it under another fhape too odious 
 " to mention." " And is there then," 
 faid Mufidorus fighing, " is there no hu- 
 " man being in your thoughts in whom 
 " you can confide ? Alas for me ! if you 
 " believe you have no friend who is not 
 " tainted with the impurities of his fex : 
 " And what is friendmip ? what, but the 
 K 6 " union
 
 ao4 THE OBSERVER. No. 104. 
 
 " union of fouls ? and are not fouls thus 
 " united already married ? For my part, 
 " I have long regarded our pure and fpirku- 
 " alized connection in this light, and I 
 " cannot forefee how any outward ceremony 
 " is to alter that inherent delicacy of fenti- 
 " ment, which is infeparable from my foul's 
 " attachment to the foul of Sappho : If we 
 *' are determined to defpife the world, we 
 " mould alfo defpife the eonftmctions of 
 ** the world : If retirement is our choice, 
 " and the life and habits of Clemens are 
 " not to be the life and habits of Sappho, 
 " why mould Mufidorus, who is ready to 
 " facrifice every thing in her defence, not 
 " be thought incapable of abufing her con- 
 " fidence, when he offers the protection of 
 " his name ? If a few words muttered over 
 " us by a Scotch blackfrnith will put all 
 " our troubles to reft, why mould we refort 
 * to dangers and difficulties, when foeafy a 
 ** remedy is before us ? But why mould I 
 '* feek for arguments to allay your appre- 
 " henfions, when you have iiime fo natural 
 " a fecurity for my performance of the 
 '* ilrideft ftipulations ?" " And what is 
 ** that . fecurity ?" me eagerly demanded. 
 
 Mufidorus
 
 No. 105. THE OBSERVER. 20$ 
 
 Mufidorus now drew back a few paces, and 
 with the moft folerrin air and action, laying 
 his hand upon his heart, replied, " My 
 " age, madam !" " That's true," cried 
 Sappho ; and now the converfation took a 
 new. turn, in the courfe of which they 
 agreed upon their plan of proceeding, fet- 
 tled their rendezvous for the next day, and 
 Mufidorus departed to prepare all things 
 neceflary for the fecurity of their expedi- 
 tion. 
 
 ev. 
 
 TCange Chloenfemel arrogantem. 
 
 (HORAT.) 
 
 " O Cupid, touch this rebel heart !" 
 
 TTPON the day appointed, Sappho, with 
 *' her father's confent, fet out in a. hired 
 poft-chaife upon a pretended vifit to a rela- 
 tion ; who lived about twenty miles from 
 town on the northern road : At the inn 
 where me was to change horfes, me difmifled 
 her London poilillion with a fhort note to 
 
 her
 
 io6 THE OBSERVER. No. 105. 
 
 her father, in which flie told him fhe fhould 
 write to him in two or three days time: 
 Here me took poft for the next ftage upon 
 the great road, where flie was met by Mufi- 
 dorus, and from thence they prefled forward 
 with all poflible expedition towards Gretna 
 Green. 
 
 The mind of Sappho was vifited with 
 fome compunctions by the way; but the 
 eloquence of her companion, and the refpe6t- 
 ful delicacy of his behaviour, foon recon- 
 ciled her confcience to the Hep me had 
 taken : The reflections which palled in Mu- 
 fidorus's breaft, were not fo eafily quieted : 
 The anxiety of his thoughts, and the fa- 
 tigues of the journey, brought fo violent an 
 attack upon him, that when he was within a 
 flage or two of his journey's end, he found 
 himfelf unable to proceed ; the gout had 
 feized upon his ftomach, and immediate re- 
 lief became neceflary : The romantic vifions, 
 with which Sappho hitherto had indulged 
 her imagination, now began to vanifh, and 
 a gloomy profpect opened upon her ; in 
 place of a comforter and companion by the 
 way to footh her cares, and fill her mind 
 with foft healing fentiments, fhe had a 
 
 wretched
 
 No. 105. THE OBSERVER. 207 
 
 wretched object before her eyes, tormented 
 with- pain and at the point of death. 
 
 The houfe, in which me had taken fhelter, 
 was of the meaneft fort, but the good peo- 
 ple were humane and afliduous, and the 
 village afforded a medical affiftant of no 
 contemptible fkill in his profeffion : There 
 was another coniblation attended her fitua- 
 tion, for in the fame inn was quartered a 
 dragoon officer with a fmall recruiting 
 party , this young cornet was of a good fa- 
 mily, of an engaging perfon and very ele- 
 gant addrefs ; his humanity was exerted not 
 only in confoling Sappho, but in nurfing 
 and cheering Mufidorus. Thefe charitable 
 offices were performed with fuch a natural 
 benignity, that Sappho mud have been mofl 
 infenfible if fhe could have overlooked 
 them ; her gentle heart on the contrary over- 
 flowed with gratitude, and in the extremity 
 of her diftreis (lie freely confefled to him, 
 that but for his fupport (lie muft have funk 
 outright. Though the extremity of Mufi- 
 dorus's danger was now over, yet he was 
 incapable of exertion; and Sappho, who 
 was at leifure to reflect upon her fitua- 
 tion, began to waver in her refolution, and 
 
 to
 
 so8 THE OBSERVER. No. 105. 
 
 to put fome queflions to herfelf, which 
 reafon could not readily anfwer. Her 
 thoughts were fo diffracted and perplex- 
 ed, that fhe law no refource but to unbur- 
 then them, and throw herfelf upon the ho- 
 nour and difcretion of Lionel, for fo this 
 young officer was called. This fhe had fre- 
 quently in mind to do, and many opportu- 
 nities offered themfelves for it, but ftill her 
 fenfibility of lhame prevented it. The con- 
 ftant apprchenfion of purfuit hung over her, 
 and fometimes fhe meditated to go back to 
 her father ; in one of thefe moments fhe had 
 begun to write a letter to Clemens to pre- 
 pare him for her return, when Lionel enter- 
 ed the room and informed her that he per- 
 ceived fo vifible an amendment in Mufido- 
 rus, that he expected to congratulate her- 
 on his recovery in a very few days " and 
 " then, Madam," added he, " my forrows 
 " will begin where your's end j be it fo ! if 
 " you are liappy, I muft not complain :. 
 " I prefume this gentleman is your father 
 " or near relation ?" " Father I" exclaim- 
 ed Sappho :- She cafl her eyes upon the 
 letter fliewas iiditing, and burft into tears. 
 Lionel approached, and took her hand in his; 
 
 Qie
 
 Xo. 105. THEOBSERVER. 209 
 
 flie raifed her handkerchief to her eyes 
 with the other, and he proceeded " If 
 " my anxious folicitude for an unknown, 
 " lady, in whofe happinefs my heart is 
 " warmly interefted, expofes me to any 
 " hazard of your difpleafure, flop me before 
 " I fpeak another word ; if not, confide in 
 " me, and you (hall find me ready to de~ 
 " vote my life to ferve you. The my fiery 
 " about you and the road you are upon, 
 " (were it not for the companion you are 
 " with) would tempt me to believe you was 
 '* upon a generous errand, to reward fome 
 " worthy man, whom fortune and your pa- 
 " rents do not favour ; but this poor object 
 " above flairs makes that impoilible. If 
 " however there is any favoured lover, wait- 
 " ing in fecret agony for that expected rno- 
 " ment, when your releafe from hence may 
 " crown him with the beft of human bleflings, 
 " the hand, which now has hold of your*s r 
 " mail be devoted to his fervice : Command 
 " me where you will ; I never yet have forfeited 
 " my honour, and cannot wrong your con- 
 " fidenc.e." *' You are truly generous," re- 
 plied Sappho ; " there is no fuch man ; the 
 " hand you hold is yet untainted, and till 
 
 " now
 
 to THE OBSERVER. No. 105. 
 
 " now has been untouched ; releafe it there - 
 " fore, and I will proceed. My innocence 
 " has been my error ; I have been the dupe 
 " of fentiment : I am the only child of a fond 
 " father, and never knew the blefling of a 
 " mother ; when I look back upon my edu- 
 " cation, I perceive that art has been ex- 
 " haufted, and nature overlooked in it. 
 " The unhappy object above flairs has been 
 " my fole advifer and director; for my fa- 
 " ther is immerfed in bufmefs : From him, 
 " and from the duty which I owe him, I 
 " confefs I have feceded, and my defign 
 " was to devote myfelf to retirement. My 
 " fcheme I now perceive was vifionary in 
 " the extreme ; left to my own reflections, 
 " reafon (hews me both the danger and the 
 " folly of it : I have therefore determined 
 " upon returning to my father, and am 
 " writing to him a letter, which I mail fend 
 " by exprefs, to relieve him from the ago- 
 ' nies my filly conduct has occafioned." 
 " What you have now difclofed to me," 
 faid Lionel, " with a fincerity that does 
 " equal honour to yourfelf and me, demands 
 " a like fincerity on my part, and I muft 
 " therefore confefs to you, that Mufidorus, 
 
 " believing
 
 No. 105. THE OBSERVER. tn 
 
 " believing himfelf at the point of death, 
 " imparted to me not only every thing 
 " that has patted, but all the future pur- 
 " pofes of this treacherous plot, from 
 " which you have fo providentially efcaped ; 
 " thefe I mall not explain to you at pre- 
 " fent, but you may depend upon it, that 
 " this attack upon his life has faved his 
 " confcience. I cannot as a man of honour 
 " oppofe myfelf to your refolution of re- 
 " turning home immediately ; and yet when 
 " I confider the ridicule you will have to 
 " encounter from the world at large, the 
 " reflections that will arife in your mind, 
 " when there is perhaps no friend at hand to 
 " affuage them, but above all when I thus 
 " contemplate your charms, and recollect 
 " that affectation is expelled, and nature 
 " reinftated in your heart, I cannot refift 
 " the impulfe nor the opportunity of ap- 
 " pealing to that nature againft a fepara- 
 " tion fo fatal to my peace : Yes, lovelieft 
 " of women, I muft appeal to nature ; I 
 " mull hope this heart of your's, where 
 " fuch refined fenfations have refided, will 
 " not be (hut from others of a more gene,- 
 
 " rous
 
 * 
 
 aia THE OBSERVER. No. ie. 
 
 " rous kind. What could the name of 
 " Mufidorus do, which Lionel's cannot ? 
 " Why mould you not replace an un- 
 " worthy friend with one of fairer princi- 
 " pies ? with one of honourable birth, of 
 " equal age, and owner of a heart that 
 " beats with ardent paffion towards -you ? 
 " Had you been made the facrifice of this 
 " chimzera, this illufion, what had your 
 *' father fufFered ? If I am honoured with 
 " your hand in marriage, what can he com- 
 " plain of? My conduct, my connections 
 " and my hopes in life will bear the fcru- 
 <c tiny : Suffer me to fay you will have a 
 " protector, whofe character can face the 
 " world, and whofe fpirit cannot fear it. 
 " As for worldly motives, I renounce them j 
 " give me yourfelf and your affections ; 
 " give me poffeffion of this hand, thefe eyes, 
 " and the foul which looks through them j, 
 " let your father withhold the reft. Now, 
 " lovelieft and moit beloved, have you the 
 " heart to fhare a foldier's fortune ? Have 
 " you the noble confidence to take his 
 " word ? Will you follow, where his honour 
 " bids him go, and whether a joyful victory 
 
 "or
 
 No. 105. THE OBSERVER. 213 
 
 <c or a glorious death attends him, will you 
 '* receive him living, or entomb him dying 
 ** in your arms ?" 
 
 Whilft Lionel was uttering thefe words, 
 his action, his emotion, and that honefl 
 glow of paffion, which nature only can af- 
 fume and artifice cannot counterfeit, had fo 
 fubdued the yielding heart of Sappho, that 
 he muft have been dull indeed, if he could 
 have wanted any ftronger confirmation of 
 his fuccefs, than what her looks beftowed : 
 Never was filence more eloquent ; the la- 
 bour of language and the forms of law had 
 no (hare in this contract : A figh of fpeech- 
 lefs ecftafy drew up the nuptial bond ; the 
 operations of love are momentary : Tears 
 of affection interchangeably witnefled the 
 deed, and the contracting parties fealed it 
 with an inviolable embrace. 
 
 Every moment now had wings to waft 
 them to that happy fpot,- where the unholy 
 hand of law has not yet plucked up the 
 root of love : Freedom met them on the 
 very extremity of her precincts ; Nature 
 held out her 'hand to welcome them, and 
 the Loves and Graces, though exiled to a 
 defart, danced in her train. 
 
 Thus
 
 *i4 THE 'OBS ER VER. No. 105. 
 
 Thus was Sappho, when brought to the 
 very brink of destruction, refcued by the 
 happy intervention of Providence. The 
 next day produced an interview with Cle- 
 mens, at the houfe to which they returned 
 after the ceremony in Scotland : The meet- 
 ing, as might well be expected, was poig- 
 nant and reproachful; but when Sappho, 
 in place of a fuperannuated fentimentalift, 
 prefented to him a fon-in-law, in whofe 
 martial form and countenance he beheld 
 youth, honour, manly beauty, and every at- 
 tractive grace that could juftify her choice, 
 his tranfports became exceffive ; and their 
 union, being now fanctified by the bleffing 
 of a father, and warranted by love and na- 
 ture, has matched a deluded victim from 
 mifery and error, and added one conjugal 
 inftance to the fcanty records of unfa- 
 (hionable felicity. 
 
 Let not my young female readers believe 
 that the extravagance of Sappho's conduct 
 is altogether out of nature, or that they 
 have nothing to apprehend from men of 
 Mufidorus's age and character; my obfer- 
 vation convinces me to the contrary. Gra- 
 vity , fays Lord Shaftefbury, is the very effence 
 
 "f
 
 No. io6. THE OBSERVER. 215 
 
 of impq/lure ; and fentimental gravity, var- 
 nifhed over with the experienced artifice of 
 age and wifdom, is the worft of its fpecies. 
 
 No. CVI. 
 
 y THINK the ladies will not accufe me of 
 bufying myfelf in impertinent remarks 
 upon their drefs and attire, for indeed it 
 is not to their perfons my fervices are devot- 
 ed, but to their minds : If I can add to 
 them any thing ornamental, or take from 
 them any thing unbecoming, I (hall gain 
 my with ; the reft I (hall leave to their mil- 
 liners and mantua-makers. 
 
 Now if I have any merit with them for 
 not intruding upon their toilets, let them 
 fliew me fo much complaifance, as not to 
 read this paper, whilft they are engaged in 
 thofe occupations, which I have never be- 
 fore interrupted ; for as I intend to talk with 
 them a little metaphyfically, I would not 
 wifh to divide their attention, nor mall I be 
 contented with lefs than the whole. 
 
 In the firft place I mult tell them, gentle 
 
 though
 
 2i6 THE OBSERVER. No. 106. 
 though they be, that human nature is fub- 
 jed to a variety of paffions, fome of thefe 
 are virtuous paflions, fome on the contrary 
 I am afraid are evil ; there are however a 
 number of intermediate propenfities, moft 
 of which might alfo be termed paffions, 
 which by the proper influence of reafon 
 may become very ufeful allies to any one 
 fingle virtue, when in danger of being over- 
 powered by a hoil of foes : At the fame 
 time they are as capable of being kidnap- 
 ped by the enemies of reafon, and, when 
 enlifted in the ranks of the infurgents, fel- 
 dom fail to turn the fate of the battle, and 
 commit dreadful havock in the peaceful 
 quarters of the invaded virtue. It is ap- 
 parent then that all thefe intermediate pro- 
 penfities are a kind of balancing powers, 
 which feem indeed to hold a neutrality .in 
 moral affairs, but, holding it with arms in 
 their hands, cannot be fuppofed to remain 
 impartial fpectators of the fray, and there- 
 fore muft be either with us, or againft us. 
 
 ] (hall make myfelf better underftood 
 when I proceed to inftance them, and I will 
 begin with that, which has been called the 
 univerfal paflion, The love of Fame. 
 
 9 I prefumc
 
 No. io6. THE OBSERVER. aiy 
 
 I preiume no lady will difavow this pro- 
 penfity ; I would not wiih her to attempt it; 
 let her examine it however ; let her firffc en- 
 quire to what point it is likely to carry her 
 before (he commits herielf to it's conduct : : 
 If it is to be her guide to that fame only, 
 which excels in fafhionable dimpation, 
 figures in the firil circles of the gay world, 
 and is the loadftone to attrcft every' liber- 
 tine of high life into the fphere of it's acti- 
 vity, it is a traitorous guide, and is feduc- 
 ing her to a precipice, that will.'fooner or 
 later be the grave of her. happinefs : On the 
 contrary, if it propofes to avoid thefe dan- 
 gerous purfuits, and recommends a progrefs 
 through paths lefs tempting to the eye per- 
 haps, but terminated by fub.ftantial com- 
 forts, (he may fecurely follow a propenlity, 
 which cannot miflead her, and indulge a paf- 
 lion, which will be the moving ipring of all 
 her actions, and but for which her nature 
 would want energy, and her character be no 
 otherwife diitinguiihed than by avoidance 
 of vice without the grace and merit of any 
 pofitive \irtue. I can hardly fuppofe, if it 
 was put to u lady's choice at her out-fet into 
 life which kind of fame (he would be diftin- 
 VOL. IV. L guiftied
 
 2i8 THE OBSERVER. No. 106. 
 
 guifhed for, good or evil, but that me would 
 at once prefer the good ; I mufl believe me 
 would acknowledge more gratification in be- 
 ing fignalized as the beft wife, the befl mo- 
 ther, the moft exemplary woman of her 
 time, than in being pointed out in all cir- 
 cles me frequents as the moft famionable 
 rake, the beft drefled voluptuary in the na- 
 tion : If this be rightly conjectured, why 
 will not every woman, who has her choice to 
 make, direct her ambition to thofe objects, 
 which will give her moft fatisfaction when 
 attained ? There can be no reafon but be- 
 caufe it impofes on her fome felf-denials by 
 the way, which me has not. fortitude to fur- 
 mount i and it is plain fhe does not love 
 fame well enough to be at much pains in 
 acquiring it ; her ambition does not reach 
 at noble objects, her paffion for celebrity is 
 no better than that of a buffoon's, who for 
 the vanity of being confpicuous fubmits to 
 be contemptible. 
 
 Friendflup is a word which has a very cap- 
 tivating found, but is by no means of a 
 decided quality ; it may be friend or foe as 
 reafon and true judgment fhall determine 
 for it. If I were to decry all female friend - 
 
 mips
 
 No. io6. THE OB SERVER. 219 
 
 iliips in the lump it might feem a harfli 
 fentence, and yet it will ferioufly behove 
 every parent to keep ftridt watch over this 
 propenfity in the early movements of the 
 female mind. I am not difpofed to expa- 
 tiate upon it's dangers very particularly; 
 they are fufficiently known to people of expe- 
 rience and difcretion ; but attachmnets mud- 
 be Hemmed in their beginnings ; keep off cor- 
 refpondents from your daugh ters as you would 
 keep off the peftilence : Romantic miffes, 
 fentimental novelifts and fcribbling pedants 
 overturn each others heads with iuch eter- 
 nal rhapfodies about friendship, and refine 
 upon nonlenfe with iuch an affectation of en- 
 thufiafm, that if it has not been the parent's 
 fludy to take early precautions againfl all 
 fuch growing propenfit ies, it will be in vain 
 to oppofe the torrent, when it carries all be- 
 fore it, and overwhelms the paffions with 
 its force. 
 
 Senfibility is a mighty favourite with the 
 fair fex ; it is an amiable friend or a very 
 dangerous foe to virtue : Let the female, 
 who profeffes it, be careful how me makes 
 too full a difplay of her weaknefs ; for this 
 is fo very foft and infmuating a propenfity, 
 L 2 that
 
 220 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. i O r,. 
 
 that it will be found in moft female glofla- 
 ries as a fynonymous term for loveitfelf ; in 
 -fact it, is little elfe than the nomme-de-guerre> 
 which that infidious adventurer takes upon 
 him in all firft approaches; the pafs- 
 word in all thofe fkirmifhing experiments, 
 which young people make upon each other's 
 affections, before they proceed to plainer- 
 declarations; it is the whetftone, upon 
 which love fharpens and prepares his arrows: 
 If any lady makes a certain mow of fenfibi- 
 lity in company with her admirer, he muft 
 be a very dull" fellow, if he does not know 
 how to turn the weapon from himfelf to her. 
 Now fenfibility aflumes a different character 
 when it is taken into the fervice of benevo- 
 lence, or made the centinel of modefty ; in 
 one cafe it gives the fpring to pity, in the 
 other the alarm to difcretion ; but when- 
 ever it affails the heart by foft fedudtion to 
 beftow that pity and relief, which difcretion 
 does not warrant and purity ought not to 
 grant, it fliould be treated as a renegado 
 and a fpy, which, under the mafk of charity, 
 would impofe upon credulity for the vilefl 
 purpofes, and betray the heart by flattering 
 it to it's ruin. 
 
 Vanity
 
 No. io6. THE O BS ERVE'fc. 221 
 
 Vanity is a paffion, to which I think I am 
 very complaifant, when I admit it to a place 
 amongft thefe convertible propensities, for it 
 is as much as I can do to find any occupa- 
 tion for it in the family- concerns of vi r tue ; 
 perhaps if I had not known Vanejja I 
 mould not pay it even this fmall compli- 
 ment : It can however do fome under-offices 
 in the houfehold of generpfity, of chearful- 
 nefs, hofpitality, and certain other refpect- 
 able qualities : It is little elfe than an offici- 
 ous, ctt-il, filly thing, that runs on errands 
 for it's betters, and is content to be paid 
 with a fmile for it's good-will, by thofe 
 who have too much good fenfe to mew 
 it any real refpect : When it is harm- 
 lefs, it would be hard to wound it out of 
 wantonnefs; when it is mifchievous, there 
 is merit in chaftifmg it with the whip of ridi- 
 cule : A lap-dog may be endured, if he is 
 inoffenfive and does not annoy the company, 
 but a fnappifh, barking pett, though in a 
 lady's arms, deferves to have his ears pulled 
 for his impertinence. 
 
 Delicacy is a foft name, and fine ladies, 
 
 who have a proper contempt for the vulgar, 
 
 are very willing to'be thought endowed with 
 
 L 3 fenfes
 
 22a THE OBSERVER. No. 106. 
 
 fenfes more refined and exquifite than na- 
 ture ever meant to give them ; their nerves 
 are fufceptible in the extreme, and they are of 
 conftitutions To irritable, that thevery winds of 
 heaven muft not be allowed to vifit their face 
 too roughly. I have ftudied this female favou- 
 ritewithfome attention, and I am notyet able 
 to difcover any one of it's good qualities -, I 
 do not perceive the merit of fuch exquifite 
 fibres, nor have I obferved that the flen- 
 derefl firings are apt to produce the fweeteft 
 founds, when applied to inftruments of har- 
 mony ; I prefume the female heart mould 
 be fuch an harmonious inftrument, when 
 touched by the parent, the friend, the huf- 
 band ', but how can thefe expect a concert 
 of fweet founds to be excited, from a thing 
 which is liable to be jarred and put out of 
 tune by every breath of air ? It may be 
 kept in it's cafe, like an old-falhioned virgi- 
 nal, which nobody knows, or even wifhes to 
 know, how to touch : It can never be 
 brought to bear it's part in a family con- 
 cert, but muft hang by the wall, or at beft 
 be a folo inftrument for the remainder of it's 
 days. 
 
 JBqfftfubiefs, when it is attached to mo- 
 
 defty,
 
 No. io6. THE OB SERVER. 123 
 
 defty, will be regarded with the eye of can- 
 dor, and cheared with the fmile of encou- 
 ragement ; but bafhfulnefs is a hireling, and 
 is fometimes diicovered in the livery of 
 pride, oftentimes in the caft-off trappings of 
 affectation ; pedantry is very apt to bring it 
 into company, and fly, fecret confcioufnefs 
 will frequently blujli becaufe it under/lands. 
 I do not fay I have much to lay to it's 
 charge, for it is not apt to be troublefome in 
 polite focieties, nor do I commonly meet it 
 even in the youngeft of the female fex. 
 There is a great deal of blufhing I confefs 
 in all the circles of fine ladies, but then it is 
 fo univerfal a blufh and withal fo permanent, 
 that I am far from imputing it always to 
 bafhfulnefs, when the cheeks of the fair are 
 tinged with rofes. However, though it is 
 fometimes an impoftor, and for that reafon 
 may deferve to be difmifled, I cannot help 
 having a confideration for one, that has in 
 paft times been the handmaid of beauty, 
 and therefore as merit has taken modefly 
 into her fervice, I would recommend to 
 ignorance to put bafhfulnefs into full pay 
 and employment. 
 
 Politcnefs is a charming propenfity, and 
 L 4 I would
 
 224 ,TH'E OBSERVER. No. 106. 
 I would wifli the fine ladies to indulge it, if 
 it were only by way of contrail between 
 themfelves and the fine gentlemen they con- 
 fo r t with. I do not think it is altogether 
 becoming for a lady to plant herfelf in the 
 center of a circle with her back to the fire, 
 and expect every body to be warmed by the 
 contemplation of her figure or the reflec- 
 tion of her "countenance ; at the fame time 
 I am free to confefs it an attitude, by which 
 th^ man of high breeding is confpicuouily 
 diflinguimed, and is charming to behold, 
 when let off with the proper accompani- 
 ments of leather breeches,' tight boots and a 
 jockey waiftcoat. I will not deny however 
 but I have feen this praftifed by ladies, who 
 have acquitted themfelves with great fpirit 
 on the occafion; but then it cannot be done 
 without certain male accoutrements, and 
 prefuppofes a flouched hat, half-boots, fhort 
 waiftcoat and riding drefs, not to omit 
 broad metal buttons with great letters en- 
 graved upon them, or the fignature of fome 
 hunt, with the indifpenfable appendage of 
 two long dangling watch-chains, which ierve 
 to mark the double value people of faihion 
 put upon their time, and alfo mew the en- 
 couragement
 
 No.io6. THE OBSERVER. 225 
 
 couragement they beftow upon the arts: 
 With thefe implements the work may be 
 done even by a female artift, but it is an art 
 I wifh no young lady to ftudy, ^and I hope 
 the prefent profeflbrs will take no more pu- 
 pils, whilft the academies of Humphries and 
 Mendoza are kept open for accomplifh- 
 ments, which I think upon the whole are 
 altogether as becoming. Politenefs, as I 
 conceive, confifts in putting people at their 
 eafe in your company, and being at your 
 eafe in their* s ; modern practice I am afraid 
 is apt to mifplace this procefs, for I obferve 
 every body in fafhionable life polite enough 
 to ftudy 'their own eafe, but I do not fee 
 much attention paid to that part of the rule, 
 which ought to be firft obferved : It is well 
 calculated for thofe, who are adepts in it, 
 but if ever fuch an out-of-the-way thing as 
 a-modeft perfon comes within it's reach, 
 the awkward novice is lure to be diftrefled, 
 and whilft every body about him feems ro 
 pofing on a bed of down, he alone is picket- 
 ted upon a feat of thorns : 'Till this mall be 
 reformed by the ladies, who profefs to un~ 
 derfland politenefs, I (hall turn back to my 
 red-book of forty years ago, to fee what re- 
 L $ lifts
 
 az6 T H E O B S E R V-E R. No. 107. 
 
 lids of the old court are yet amongft us, 
 and take the mothers for my models in pre- 
 ference to their daughters. 
 
 No. CVII. 
 
 Alter in olfequium plus tfqiw promts, et imi 
 Deri/or letti^ fie nutum divitis horret, 
 Sic iterat voces, et verba cadcntla tollit. 
 
 HORAT, 
 
 r AM bewildered by the definitions, which 
 * metaphyfical writers give us of the hu- 
 man paffions : I can underftand the charac- 
 ters of Theophraftus, and am entertained by 
 his fketches ; but when your profound 
 thinkers take the fubjed in hand, they ap- 
 pear to me to dive to the bottom of the 
 deep in fearch of that which floats upon 
 it's furface : if a man in the heat of anger 
 would defcribe the movements of his mind, 
 he might paint the tempeft to the life ; but 
 as fuch defcriptions are not to be expeded, 
 moral elfayifts have fubfhituted perfonifka- 
 tion in their place, and by the pleafmg intro- 
 * dudion
 
 No. 107. THE OBSERVER. 127 
 
 duftion of a few natural incidents form a 
 kind of little drama, in which they make 
 their fictitious hero defcribe thofe follies, 
 foibles and paffions, which they who really 
 feel them are not fo forward to confefs. 
 
 When Mr. Locke in his EJJhy on the 
 Human . Under/landing defcribes all pity as 
 partaking of contempt, I cannot acknow- 
 ledge that he is fpeaking of pity, as I feel 
 it : when I pity a fellow- creature in pain, 
 (a woman, -for inflance, in the throes of 
 childbirth) I cannot fubmit to own there is 
 any ingredient of fo bad a quality as con- 
 tempt in my pity ; but if the metaphyficians- 
 tell me that I do not know how to call my 
 feelings by their right name, and that my 
 pity is not pity properly fo defined, I will 
 not pretend to difpute with any gentleman 
 whole language I do not underftand, and 
 only beg permiffion to enjoy a fenfation, 
 which I call pity, without indulging a pro- 
 penfity which he calls contempt. 
 
 The flatterer is a character, which the 
 moralifts and wits of all times and all na- 
 tions have ridiculed more feverely and more 
 fuccefsfully than almoft any other ; yet it 
 ilill exiits, and a few pages perhaps would 
 L 6 not
 
 228 THE OBSERVER. No. 107. 
 
 not be mifapplied, if I was to make room 
 for a civil kind of gentleman of this defcrip- 
 tion, (by name Billy Simper) who, having 
 feen his failings in their proper light of ridi- 
 cule, is willing to expofe them to public 
 view for the amufement, it is hoped, if not 
 for the ufe and benefit, of the reader. 
 
 I beg leave therefore to introduce Mr.' 
 Billy Simper to my candid friends and pro- 
 tectors, and (hall leave him to tell his flory 
 in his own words. - 
 
 I am the younger fon of a younger brother : 
 my father qualified himfelf for orders in the 
 univerfity of Aberdeen, and by the help of 
 an infmuating addrefe, a loft counter-tenor 
 voice, a civil fmile and a happy flexibility in 
 the vertebras of his back-bone, recommended 
 himfelf to the- good graces of a right reve- 
 rend patron, who, after a due courfe of at- 
 tendance and dependance, preferited him to 
 a comfortable benefice, which enabled him 
 to fupport a- pretty numerous family of 'chil- 
 dren. The good bifhop it feems was paf- 
 fionately fond of the game of chefs, and my 
 father, though the better player of the two, 
 knew how to make a timely move fo as to 
 throw the victory into his loidihip's hand 
 
 after
 
 No. 107. THE OBSERVER. 229 
 
 after a hard battle, which was a triumph 
 very grateful to his vanity, and not a little 
 ferviceable to my father's pucpofes. 
 
 Under this expert profeflbr I was in- 
 ftructed in all the fliifts and movements in 
 the great game of life, and then lent to make 
 my way in the world as well as I was able. 
 My firft object was to pay my court to my 
 father's elder brother, the head of our fami- 
 ly ; an enterprize not lefs arduous than im- 
 portant. My uncle Antony was a widower, 
 parfimonious, peevifh, and reclufe, he was 
 rich however, egregioufly felf-conceited, and 
 in his own opinion a deep philofopher and 
 metaphyfician; by which I would be under- 
 ftood to fay that he doubted every thing, dif- 
 puted every thing and believed nothing. 
 He had one fon, his only child, and him he 
 had lately driven out of doors and difinherit- 
 ed for nonful ing him in an argument upon 
 the immortality of the foul : here then was 
 an opening no prudent man could mifs, who 
 fcorned to fay his foul was his own, when 
 it flood in the way of his intereft : and as I 
 was well tutored beforehand, I no fooner 
 gained admiffion to the old philofopher, 
 than I fo far worked my way into his good 
 
 graces,
 
 230 THE OB SERVER. No. 107. 
 
 graces, as to be allowed to take pofleffion 
 of a truckle-bed in a fpare garret of the fa- 
 mily manfion : envy muft have owned (if 
 envy could have looked afquint upon fo 
 humble a fituation as mine was) that con- 
 fidering what a game I had to play, I ma- 
 naged my cards well ; for uncle Antony was 
 an old dog at a difpute, and as that cannot 
 well take place, whilft both parties are on 
 the fame fide, I was forced at times to make 
 battle for the good of the argument, and 
 feldom failed to find Antony as compleatly 
 puzzled with the zig-zaggeries of his meta- 
 phyfics, as uncle Toby of more worthy me- 
 mory was with the horn-works and counter- 
 fcarps of his fortifications. 
 
 Amongft the various topics, from which 
 Antony's ingenuity drew matter of difpute, 
 fome were fo truly ridiculous, that if I were 
 fure my reader was as much at leifure to 
 hear, as I am juft now to relate them, I 
 mould not fcruple the recital. One morn- 
 ing having been rather long-winded in de- 
 fcribing the circumftances of a dream, that 
 had difturbed his imagination in the night, 
 I thought it not amiis to throw in a remark 
 in the way of conlblation upon the fallacy 
 
 of
 
 No. 107. THE OBSERVER. 231 
 
 of dreams in general. This was enough for 
 him to turn over to the other fide, and fup- 
 port the credit of dreams tofts viribus : I 
 now thought it advifable to trim, and took 
 a middle courfe between both extremes, by 
 humbly conceiving dreams might be fome- 
 times true and fometimes falfe: this he con- 
 tended to be nonfenfe upon the face of it, 
 and if I would undertake to mew they were 
 both true and falfe, he would engage to 
 prove by found logic they could be neither 
 one nor the other : " But why do we be- 
 " gin to talk," added he, " before we fettle 
 " what we are to talk about ? What kind 
 " of dreams are you fpeaking of, and 
 " how do you diflinguifh dreams?" " I 
 " fee no diftinclion between them," t repli- 
 ed ; " Dreams vifit our fancies in fleep, and 
 " are all, according to Mr. . Locke's idea, 
 " made up of the waking, man's thoughts.'* 
 " Does Mr. Locke fay that ?" exclaimed 
 my uncle. " Then Mr. Locke's an impoftor 
 " for telling you fo, and you are a fool for 
 " believing him : wifer men than Mr. 
 " Locke have fettled that matter many cen- 
 " turies before he was born or even dreamt 
 " of; but perhaps Mr. Locke forgot to tell 
 
 " you
 
 &3* THE OBSERVER. No. 107. 
 
 " you how many precife forts of dreams there 
 " are, and how to denominate and define 
 " them ; perhaps he forgot that I fay." 1 con- 
 feffed that I neither knew any thing of the, 
 'matter myfelf, nor did I believe the author 
 alluded to had left any clue towards the dif- 
 covery. 
 
 " I thought as much," retorted my uncle 
 Antony in a tone of triumph, " and yet this 
 " is the man who fets up for an inveftigator 
 " of the human underftandingj but I will 
 " tell you, Sir, though he could not, that 
 " there are neither more nor lefs than five 
 " feveral forts of dreams particularly diftin- 
 " guifhed, and I defy even the feven fleepers 
 " themfelves to name a fixth. The firft of 
 " thefe was by the Greeks denominated 
 " Oneiros, by the Latins Soywium, (fimply 
 " a Dream) and you muft be afleep to dream 
 "it." " Granted," quoth I. "What 'is 
 " granted ;" rejoined the philofopher, " Not 
 "'that ileep is in all cafes indifpeniable to 
 " the man who dreams." " Hump|i !" 
 quoth I. My uncle proceeded. 
 
 " The fecond fort of dreams you mall 
 ** underftand was by the aforefaid Greeks 
 ** called Qrama, by the Latins Vifio, or as we 
 
 " might
 
 No. 107. ^ THE OBSERVER. 233 
 
 u might fay a vifion ; in this cafe take notice 
 " you may be afleep, or you may be awake, 
 " or neither, or as it were between both ; 
 " your eyes may be (hut, or they may be 
 " open,' looking inwards or outwards or 
 " upwards, either with, fight or without 
 " fight, as it pleafes God, but the vifion you 
 " muft fee, or how elie can it rightly be 
 " called a vifion ?" ''True," replied I, " there 
 4< is a feel: who are particularly favoured with 
 " this kind of vifions." " Prythee, don't 
 " interrupt me," faid my uncle, and again 
 went on. 
 
 " The third fort of dreams, to fpeak ac- 
 " cording to the Greeks, we fhall call C&re- 
 " matifmos, according to the Latins we muft 
 " denominate it Oraculum, (an oracle) ; now 
 " this differs from a vifion, in as much as it 
 " may happen to a man born blind as well 
 " as to Argus himfelf, for he has nothing for 
 " it but to liften, underftand and believe, 
 " and whatever it tells him thall come true, 
 ." though it never entered into his head to 
 " preconceive one tittle of what is told him: 
 " and where is Mr. Locke and nis waking 
 " thoughts here ?" " He is done for," I 
 
 anfwered,
 
 234 THE OBSERVER. No. 107, 
 
 anfwerecl, " there is no difputing againfl 
 " an oracle." 
 
 " The fourth fort," refumed he, " is the 
 " Enuption of the aforefaid Greeks, and an- 
 " fwers to the Latin hi/omnium, which is in 
 '* fact a dream and no dream, a kind of 
 " refuerie> when a mail dofes between fleep- 
 " ing and waking, and builds caftles (as we 
 " fay) in the air upon the ramblings of his 
 ** own fancy. 
 
 " The fifth and laft fort of dreams is, by 
 " Greeks and Latins, mutually ftiled Phan- 
 " tafma, a word adopted into our own lan- 
 " guage by the greateft poet who ever wrote 
 " in it : now this phantafma is a vifitation 
 " peculiar to the firft mental abfence or 
 " flumber, when the man fancies himfelf 
 '* yet waking, and in faft can fcarce be called 
 " afleep j at which time ftrange images and 
 " appearances feem to float before him and 
 " terrify his imagination. Here then you 
 " have all the feveral denominations of 
 " dreams perfectly diftinguifhed and de- 
 " fined," quoth the old fophift, and throw- 
 ing himfelf back in his chair with an ail 
 of triumph, waited for the applaufe, which 
 
 I was
 
 No. 107. THE OBSERVER. 235 
 
 I was not backward in beftowing upon 
 this pedantic farrago of dogmatizing dull- 
 nefs. 
 
 It will readily be believed that my uncle 
 Antony did not fail to revive his favorite 
 controverfy, which had produced fuch fatal 
 confequences to his difcarded fon: in fad: he 
 held faft with thofe antient philofophers, 
 who maintained the eternity of this material 
 world, and as he faw no period when men 
 would not be in existence, no moment in 
 time to come when mortality (hall ceafe, he 
 by confequence argued that there could be 
 no moment in time, when mortality fliall 
 commence. There were other points re- 
 fpecting this grand flumbling block of his 
 philofophy, the human foul, upon which he 
 was equally puzzled, for he fided with Ari- 
 ftotle againil Plato in the unintelligible con- 
 troverfy concerning its power of motion : 
 but vvhilft my uncle Antony was thus un- 
 luckily wedded to the wrong fide in all cafes, 
 where reafon ought to have been his guide, 
 in points of mere quibble and fophiftry, 
 which reafon has nothing to fay to, and 
 where a wife man would take neither 
 fide, he regularly took both, or hung fuf- 
 
 pended
 
 S36 THE OBSERVER. No. 107. 
 
 pended between them like Socrates in the 
 bafket. 
 
 Of this fort was the celebrated quef- 
 tion -O-vumne prius fuerit y an gallinft viz : 
 " Whether the egg was anterior to the hen, 
 "or the hen to the egg?" This enquiry 
 never failed to intereft his paiTions in a pe- 
 , culiar degree, and he found ib much to fay 
 on both fides, that he could never well de- 
 termine which fide to be of: at length how- 
 ever, hoping to bring it to fome point, he 
 took up the caufe of Egg verfus Hen, and 
 having compofed a learned eflay, publifhed 
 it in one of the monthly magazines, as a 
 lure to future controverfialifts. This eflay 
 he had fo often avowed in my hearing, 
 and piqued hirnfelf ib highly upon it, 
 that I muft have been dull indeed not to 
 have underftood how to flatter him upon it : 
 but when he had found .month after month 
 -flip away, and no body mounting the flage 
 upon his challenge, he felt angry at the 
 contempt with which his labours were 
 panned over, and without imparting to me 
 his purpofe, furnifhed the fame magazine 
 with a counter-erTay, in wjiich his former 
 argument was handled with an afperity truly 
 controverfial, and the hen was triumphantly 
 
 made
 
 No. 107. THE OBSERVE R. ' 237 
 made to cackle over the new-iaid egg, de- 
 cidedly pofterior to herfelf. 
 
 I am inclined to think that if Antony 
 had any partiality, it was not to this fide-; 
 but as the fecond effay was clearly pofterior 
 to the firft, (whatever the egg may have 
 been to the hen) it had the advantage of 
 being couched in all the fpirit of "a reply, 
 with an agreeable tinge of the malice of one, 
 fo that when at length it came down printed 
 in a fair type, and refpectfully pofted in the 
 front of the long-wifht-for maga'zine, his 
 heart beat with joy, and calling out to me in a 
 lofty tone of counterfeited anger, as he run 
 his eye over it " By the horns of Jupiter 
 " Ammon," quoth he, " here is a fellow 
 vc has the confidence to enter the lifts againft 
 " me in the notable queftion of the egg." 
 ** Then I hope you will break that egg about 
 " his ears," replied L- " Hold your tongue, 
 " puppy, and liften," quoth the fophift, and 
 immediately began to read. 
 
 At every paufe I was ready with a pooh ! 
 or piih f which I hooked in with every mark 
 of contempt I could give it both by accent 
 and action. At the concluiion of this, effay * 
 my uncle Antony fliut the book, and de- 
 manded
 
 238 THE OBSERVER. Na. 107. 
 
 manded what I thought of the author. 
 " Hang him," I exclaimed, " poor Grub- 
 " ftreet Garretteer ; the fellow is too con- 
 " temptible for your notice ; he can neither 
 " w f rite nor reafon; he is a mere ignora- 
 " mus, and does not know the commoneft 
 " rules of logic ; he has no feature of a 
 " critic about him, but the malice of one." 
 " Hold your tongue," cried Antony, no 
 longer able to contain himfelf, " you are a 
 " booby ; I will maintain it to be as fine an 
 " eflay as ever was written." With thefe 
 words he matched up the magazine and de- 
 parted : I faw no more of him that night, 
 and early next morning was prefented by a 
 fervant with the following billet : " The 
 " Grub-ftreet Garretteer finds himfelf no 
 " longer fit company for the fagacious Mr. 
 " William Simper ; therefore defires him 
 " without lofs of time to feek out better 
 " fociety than that of a mere ignoramus, ivho 
 " does not knozv the cemmon rides of logic : one 
 " rule however he makes bold to lay down, 
 " which is, Never again to fee the face of an 
 " impertinent upftart, called William Sim- 
 ** per, whilft he remains on this earth." 
 
 A.S.
 
 No. 106. T H E O B S E R V E R. 239 
 
 No. CVIII. 
 
 Stint verba et voces, quibus hunc lenire dolor em 
 PoJ/zs, et magnammorbi deponere par tern. 
 
 HORAT. 
 
 T-NRIVEN from my uncle Antony's doors 
 by my unlucky miftake between the 
 hen and her egg, my cafe would have been 
 defperate, but thatl had yet one firing left to 
 my bow, and this was my aunt Mrs. Sufanna 
 Simper, who lived within a few miles of my 
 uncle, but in luch declared hoftility, that I 
 promifed myfelf a favourable reception, if I 
 could but flatter her animofity with a fuffi- 
 cient portion of invective ; and for this I 
 deemed myfelf very tolerably qualified, 
 having fo much good-will towards the bu- 
 fmefs, and no flight inducements to fpur me 
 to it. 
 
 My aunt, who was an aged maiden, and 
 a valetudinarian, was at my arrival clofeted 
 with her apothecary : upon his departure I 
 was admitted to my audience, in which I 
 acquitted myfelf with all the addrefs I was 
 matter of: my aunt heard my ftory through 
 
 without
 
 HO THE OBSERVER. No. 108. 
 
 without interrupting me by a fmgle word ; 
 at laft, fixing her eyes upon me, (lie faid, 
 " 'Tis very well, child ; you have faid 
 " enough : your uncle's character I perfectly 
 " underftand ; look well to your own, for 
 " upon that will depend the terms you and 
 " I mall be upon." She now took up a 
 phial from the table, and furveying it for 
 fome time, faid to me " Here is a nof- 
 " trum recommended by my apothecary, 
 " that promifes great things, but perhaps 
 " contains none of the wondrous properties 
 " it profeffes to have : the label fays it is a 
 " carminative, ledative mixture ; in other 
 " words, it will expel vapours and fpafms,and 
 " quiet the mind and fpirits : Do you think 
 " it will make good what it promifes ?" 
 So whimfical a queftion put to me at fuch 
 a moment confounded me not a little, and 
 I only murmured out in reply, that I hoped 
 it would " Take it then," faid my aunt, 
 " as you have faith in it ;*fwallow it yourfelf, 
 " and when 1 fee how it operates with you, 
 " I. may have more confidence in it on my 
 " own account." I was now in a more 
 awkward dilemma than ever, for me had 
 emptied the dole into a cup, and tendered 
 
 it
 
 Xo. 108. THE OBSERVER. 141 
 
 it to me in fo peremptory a manner, that, 
 not knowing how to excute myfelf, and be- 
 ing naturally fubmiflive, I iilently took the 
 cup with a trembling hand, and fwallowed 
 it's abominable contents. 
 
 " Much good may it do you, child," 
 cried me, " you have done more for me than 
 " I would for any doctor in the kingdom : 
 " Don't you find it naufeous to the palate ?" 
 I confefl that it was very naufeous. - 
 "And did you think yourfelf in need of fuch 
 " a medicine ?" " I did not perceive that 
 " I was." " Then you did not fwallow it 
 " by your own choice, but my defire ?" 
 I had no hefitation in acknowledging that 
 " Upon my word, child," me replied, 
 " you have a very accommodating way with 
 " you." I was now fighting with the curfed 
 drug, and had all the difficulty in life to 
 keep it where it was. My aunt faw my 
 diftfefs, and fmiling at it, demanded if 
 I was not iick : I confeft 1 was rather dif- 
 compofed in my ftomach with the draught. 
 " I don't doubt it," (lie replied ; " but 
 " as you have fo civilly made yourfelf fick 
 " for my fake, cannot you flatter me fo far 
 fi as to be well when I requeft it r" I was 
 
 Voi,. IV, M iuft
 
 a4* THE OBSERVER. No. 108. 
 
 juft then ftruggling to keep the naufea 
 down, and though I could not aniwer, 
 put the beft face upon the matter in my 
 power. 
 
 A maid-fervant came in upon my aunt's 
 ringing her bell." Betty," faid (lie, " take 
 " away thefe things ; this doctor will poifon 
 " us with his dofes." " Foh !" cried the 
 wench, " how it fmells !" " Nay, but 
 " only put your lips to the cup," faid the 
 miftrefs, " there is enough left for you to 
 " tafte it." " I tafte it ! I'll not touch it, 
 " I want none of his nafty phyfic !" 
 " Well, but though you don't want it," 
 rejoined the miftrefs, " tafte it neverthelefs, 
 " if it be only to flatter my humour." 
 " Excufe me, madam," replied Betty, " I'll 
 " not make myfelf fick to flatter any body." 
 " Humph !" cried my aunt, " how this 
 " wench's want of manners muft have 
 " mocked you, nephew William ! you fwal- 
 " lowed the whole dofe at a word, me, though 
 " my fervant, at my repeated command, 
 " would not touch it with her lips ; but thefe 
 " low-bred creatures have a will of their 
 "own!" There was fomething in my 
 aunt's manner I did not undeiftand; (lie 
 * puzzled
 
 No. 108. THE OBSERVER. 243 
 
 puzzled me, and I thought it beft to keep 
 myfelf on the referve, and wait the further 
 developement of her humour in filence. 
 
 We went down to fupper ; it was ele- 
 gantly ferved, and my aunt particularly re- 
 commended two or three dimes to me ; her 
 hofpitality embarrafTed me not a little, for 
 my ftomach was by no means reconciled ; 
 yet I felt myfelf bound in good manners to 
 eat of her dimes and commend their cookery; 
 this I did, though forely againft the grain, 
 and, whilft my ftomach rofe againft it's 
 food, I flattered what I naufeated. 
 
 A grave, well-looking perfonage flood at 
 the fide-board, with whom my aunt en- 
 tered into converfation. " Johnfon," faid 
 me, " I think I muft lodge my nephew in 
 " your room, which is warm and well-aired, 
 " and difpofe of you. in the tapeftry cham- 
 " ber, which has not lately been flept in." 
 " Madam," replied Johnfon, " I am ready 
 " to give up my bed to Mr. William at your 
 " command ; but as to fieeping in the tape- 
 " ftry chamber, you muft excufe me." 
 " Why ?" replied my aunt, " what is your 
 " objedion ?" "I am almoft afliamed to 
 " tell you," anfwered Johnfon, " but every 
 M z " body
 
 *44 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 108. 
 
 " body has his humour; perhaps my objec- 
 " tion may be none to the young gentle- 
 " man, but I confefs I don't chufe to pals 
 " the night in a chamber that is under an 
 ** ill name." " An ill name for what ?" de- 
 manded the lady, " For being haunted," 
 anfwered the butler, " for being vifited by 
 " noifes, and rattling of chains and appari- 
 " tions ; the gentleman no doubt is a fcho- 
 " lar, and can account for thefe things ;. I 
 " am a plain man, and don't like to have 
 " my imagination diflurbed, nor my reft 
 " broken, though it were only by my own 
 " fancies/' "What then is to be done ?" faid 
 my aunt, directing her queftion to mej 
 " Johnfon don't chufe to truft himfelf in a 
 " haunted chamber ; I mail have my houfe 
 <c brought into difcredit by thefe reports : 
 " Now nephew if you will encounter this 
 " ghoft, and exorcife the chamber by fleep- 
 " ing in it a few nights, I clare fay we (hall 
 " hear no more of it. Are you willing to 
 " undertake it ?" 
 
 I was afhamed to confefs my fears, and 
 yet had no flomach to the undertaking ; I 
 was alfo afraid of giving umbrage to my 
 aunt, and imprefling her with an unfavour- 
 able
 
 No. 108. THE OBSERVER. 245 
 
 able opinion of me; I therefore aflented 
 upon the condition of Johnfon's taking 
 part of the bed with me: upon which the 
 old lady, turning to her butler, faid, " Well, 
 " Johnfon, you have no objection to this 
 " propofal." " Pardon me, madam," faid 
 he, " I have fuch objections to that cham- 
 " ber, that I will not fleep in it for any body 
 " living." " You fee he is obftinate," faid 
 my aunt, " you muft even undertake it 
 " alone, or my houfe will lie under an ill 
 " name forever." " Sooner than this mall 
 " be the cafe," I replied, " I will fleep in 
 " the chamber by myfelf." " You are very 
 " polite," cried my aunt, " and I admire 
 " your fpirit : Johnfon, light my nephew 
 " to his room." Johnfon took up the candle, 
 but abfolutely refufed to march before me 
 with the light, when we came into the gal- 
 lery, where, pointing to a door, he told me 
 that was my chamber, and haftily made his 
 retreat down the ftairs'. 
 
 I opened the door with no fmall degree of 
 terror, and found a chamber comfortably and 
 elegantly furnifhed, and by no means of that 
 melancholy caft, which I had pictured to 
 myfelf from Johnfon's report of it. My 
 M 3 firft
 
 246 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. io. 
 
 firft precaution was to fearch the cloiet ; I 
 then peeped under the bed, examined the 
 hangings ; ail was as it fliould be ; nothing 
 feemed to augur a ghoft, or (which I take 
 to be worfe) the counterfeit of a ghoft. I 
 plucked up as good a fpirit as I could, faid 
 my prayers and turned into bed : With the 
 darknefs my terrors returned; I pad a fleep- 
 lefs night, though neither ghoft, nor noife 
 of any fort molefted me. 
 
 " Why, " faid I within myfelf, " could 
 " not I be as fmcere and peremptory as 
 " Johnfon ? He takes his reft and is at peace, 
 " I am ileeplefs and in terrors : Though a 
 " fervant by condition, in his will he is in- 
 " dependant j I, who have not the like call 
 " of duty, have not the fame liberty of 
 " mind : he refufes what he does not chufe 
 " to obey, I obey all things whether I chufe 
 " them or not : And wherefore do I this ? 
 " Becaufe I am a flatterer : And why did I 
 " fwallow a whole naufeous dofe to humour 
 " my aunt's caprice, which her own cham- 
 " ber-maid, who receives her wages, would 
 " not touch with her lips ? Becaufe I am a 
 " flatterer : And what has this flattery done 
 " for me, who am a flave to it ? what did 
 
 I gain
 
 No. 108. THE OBSERVER. ^47 
 
 " I gain by it at my uncle's ? I was the echo 
 " of his opinions, fliifted as they (hifted, 
 " fided with him againft truth, dernonftra- 
 " tion, reafon, and even the evidence of my 
 " own fenfes : Abject wretch, I funk myfelf 
 " in my own efleem firft, then loft all fha- 
 " dow of refpect with him, and was finally 
 " expelled from his doors, whilft I was in 
 " the very act of proftituting my own judg- 
 " ment to his grofs abfurdities : And now 
 " again, here I am at my aunt's, devoted to 
 " the fame mean flattery, that has already fo 
 " fhamefully betrayed me. What has fiat- 
 " tery gained for me here ? A bitter harveft 
 " truly I have had of it j poifoned by an in- 
 " fernal dofe, which I had no pfea.for fwal- 
 " lowing ; furfeited by dainties I had no ap- 
 " petite to tafte, and now condemned to 
 " fleeplefs hours within a haunted chamber, 
 " which her own domeftic would not con- 
 " fent even to enter : Fool that I am to be 
 " the dupe of fuch a vapor as flattery ! defpi- 
 " cable wretch, not to affert a freedom of will, 
 " which is the natural right of every man, 
 " and which even fervants and hireling-.- 1 e^- 
 " ercife with a fpirit I envy, hut '^ive not 
 " the heart to imitate : I am v'.ikauica of 
 M 4 " my
 
 2*8 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 108, 
 
 " my own meannefs : I blufh for myfelf in 
 " the comparifon, and am determined, if 1 
 " furvive till to-morrow, to aflert the dig- 
 " nity of a man, and abide by the conie- 
 " quences." 
 
 Tn meditations like thefe night paft away, 
 and the dawn of morning called me from my 
 bed : I rofe and refrefhed my fpirits with a 
 walk through a mod charming plantation : 
 I met a countryman at his work " Friend/' 
 faid I, you are early at your labour." 
 " Yes," anfwered he, " 'tis by rny labour I 
 " live, and whilft I have health and ftrength 
 " to follow it, I have nothing to fear but 
 " God alone." So ! thought I, here is a 
 lefibn for me; this man is no flatterer; 
 then why do I worfhip \\hat a clown de- 
 fpifes? 
 
 I found my aunt ready for breakfaft; 
 (lie queftioned me about my night's reft : 
 -I anfwered her with truth that I had enjoyed 
 no" reft, but had neither feen nor heard any 
 thing to alarm me, and was perfuaded there 
 were no grounds for the report of her cham- 
 ber being haunted. " I am as well per- 
 " fuaded as yourfelf of that," me replied ; 
 " I know 'tis only one of Johnfon's whims ; 
 
 " but
 
 No.ioS. THE OBSERVER. 249 
 
 " but people you know will have their 
 " whims, and it was great, courtefy in you 
 " to facrifice a night's reft to his humour : 
 " my fervants have been fpoilt by indul- 
 " gence, but it is to be hoped they will' 
 " learn better fubmiffion by your example.'*' 
 There was a farcaftic tone in my aunt's man- 
 ner of uttering this, which gave it more 
 the air of ridicule than compliment, and I 
 blufht to the eyes with the conicioufnefs of 
 deferving it. 
 
 After breakfaft flie took me into her clo- 
 fei, and, defiring me to fit down to a writ- 
 ing table, " Nephew," fays me, " I know 
 " my brother Antony full well -, he is a ty- 
 " rant in his nature, a bigot to his opinions, 
 " and a man of a mod perverted under- 
 " ftanding, but he is rich, and you have your 
 " fortune to make ; he can infult, but you 
 " can flatter ; he has his weakness, and you 
 " can avail yourfelf of them ; fuppoie you 
 " write him a penitential letter." I now iaw 
 the opportunity prefeni for exerting my 
 new-made refolution, and felt a fpirit rifmg 
 within me, that prompted me to deliver 
 myfelf as follows : " No, madam, I will 
 " neither gratify my uncle's pride, nor 
 M 5 " lower
 
 s$o THE OBSERVER. No. 108. 
 
 " lower my own felf-efteem, by making him 
 
 " any fubmiffion : I deipife him for the in- 
 
 " fults he has put upon me, and myfeif for 
 
 " having in fome fort deferved them ; but 
 
 " I will never flatter him or any living crea- 
 
 " ture^nore; and if I am to forfeit your 
 
 " favour by refitting your commands, I 
 
 *' muft meet the confequences, and will 
 
 *' rather truft to my own labour for fupport, 
 
 " than depend upon the caprice of any 
 
 " perfon living; leafh of all on him.'* 
 
 ** Heyday," cried my aunt, " you refufe to 
 
 " write ! you will not do as I advife you ?" 
 
 " In this particular," I replied, " permit 
 
 " me to fay N I neither can nor will obey 
 
 ". you." " And you are refolved to think. 
 
 " and acl: for yourfelf ?" " In the prefent 
 
 " cafe- 1 am, and in all cales, let me add, 
 
 * ' where my honour and my confcience tell 
 
 " me I am right." " Then," exclaimed 
 
 my aunt, " I acknowledge you for my 
 
 " nephew : I adopt you from this hour j" 
 
 and with that me took me by the hand moft 
 
 cordially ; " I law," faid (he, " or thought 
 
 " I faw, the fymptoms of an abje& fpirit in 
 
 " you, and was refolved to put my fufpi- 
 
 " cions to the teft , all that lias paft here 
 
 " fmce
 
 No. io8. THE OBSERVER. a$i. 
 
 " fince your coming has been done in con- 
 " cert and by way of trial ; your haunted 
 " chamber, the pretended fears of my but- 
 " ler, his blunt refufal, all have been expe- 
 " riments to found your character, and I 
 " fhould totally have defpaired of you, had 
 " not this laft inftance of a manly fpirit re- 
 " flored you to my efleem : you have now 
 " only to perfift in the fame line of conduct 
 " to confirm my good opinion of you, and 
 " enfure your own profpcrity and happi- 
 " nefs." 
 
 Thus I have given rny hiflory, and if the 
 example of my reformation (hall warn others 
 from the contemptible character, which I 
 have fortunately efcaped from, I mail be 
 moft happy, being truly anxious to approve 
 myfelf the friend, of mankind, and the Ob-- 
 ferver's very fmcere wellwifher. 
 
 WILL. SIMPER. 
 
 M
 
 ^& THE OBSERVER. No. 109. 
 
 CIX. 
 
 Qv$iv yxg drug r 
 fls" TO AaAfftf 
 
 (MENANDER.) 
 
 " Still to be tattling, ftill .to prate> 
 " No luxury in life fo great." 
 
 rpHE humours and characters of a popu- 
 lous county town at a diftance from 
 the capital, furnim matter of much amufe- 
 ment to a curious obferver. I have now 
 been fome weeks refident in a place of this 
 defcription, where I have been continually 
 treated with the private lives and little fcan- 
 dalizing anecdotes of almoft every perfon of 
 any note in it. Having palled moil of my 
 days in the capital, I could not but remark the 
 ftriking difference between it and thefe fub- 
 ordinate capitals in this particular : in Lon- 
 don we are in the habit of looking to our 
 own affairs, and caring little about thole,, 
 with whom we have no dealings : here every 
 body's bufinefs feems to be no lefs his neigh- 
 bour's concerns than his own : A fet of 
 
 tattling
 
 No. 109. THE OBSERVER. 255 
 
 tattling goffips (including all the idlers in 
 the place male as well as female) feem to 
 have no other employment for their 
 time or tongue, but to run from houfe 
 to houfe, and circulate their filly ftories up 
 and down. A few of thefe contemptible 
 impertinents I mail now defcribe. 
 
 Mifs Penelope Tabby is an antiquated 
 maiden of at leaft forty years (landing, a 
 great obferver of decorum, and particularly 
 hurt by the behaviour of two young ladies, 
 who are her next door neighbours, for a 
 cuftom they have of lolling out of their 
 windows and talking to fellows in the ftreet : 
 The charge cannot be denied, for it is cer- 
 tainly a practice thefe young ladies indulge 
 themfelves in very freely - y but on the other 
 hand it muft be owned Mifs Pen Tabby is 
 alfo in the habit of lolling out of her window 
 at the fame time to flare at them, and put 
 them to fhame for the levity of their con- 
 duct : They have alfo the crime proved 
 upon them of being unpardonably handfome, 
 and this they neither can nor will attempt 
 to contradict . Mifs Pea Tabby is ex- 
 tremely icgular at morning prayers, but me 
 complains heavily of a young flaring fellow \ 
 
 ID
 
 2$4- THE OBSERVER. No. 109. 
 
 in the pew next to her own, who violates the 
 folemnity of the fervice bv ogling her at her 
 devotions : He has a way of leaning over the 
 pew, and dangling a white hand ornamented 
 with a flaming pafte-ring, which fometimes 
 plays the lights in her eyes, fo as to make 
 them water with the reflection, and Mifs- 
 Pen has this very natural remark ever 
 ready on the occafion " Such things, you 
 " know, are apt to take off one's atten- 
 " tion." 
 
 Another of this illuftrious junto is Billy 
 Bachelor, an old unmarried petit-maitre : 
 Billy is a courtier of antient Handing j he 
 abounds in anecdotes not of the frefhefl 
 date, nor altogether of the moft interefting 
 fort ; for he will tell you how fuch and 
 fuch a lady was drefled, when he had the 
 honour of handing her into the drawing- 
 room : he has a court-atalantis of his own* 
 from which he can favour you with fome hints 
 of fly doings amongft the maids of honour,, 
 particularly of a certain dubious duchefs now 
 deceafed, (for he names no names) who ap- 
 peared at a certain mafquerade in pnris natu- 
 ralibus^ and other valuable difcoveries, which 
 all the world has long ago known, and long 
 
 ago
 
 No. loq. THE OBSERVER. z$$ 
 
 ago been tired of. Billy has a {mattering in 
 the fine arts, for he can nett purfes, and make 
 admirable coffee and write fonnets ; he has 
 the bed receipt in nature for a dentifrice, 
 which he makes up with his own hands, and 
 gives to fuch ladies as are in his favour, and 
 have an even row of teeth : He can boaft 
 fome (kill in mufic, for he plays Barberini's 
 minuet to admiration, and accompanies the 
 airs in the Beggar's Opera on his flute in 
 their original tafte : He is alfo a playhoufe 
 critic of no mean pretenfions, for he remem- 
 bers Mrs. Woffington, and Quin and Mrs. 
 Gibber; and when the players come to 
 town, Billy is greatly looked up to, and has 
 been known to lead a clap, where nobody 
 but himfelf could find areafon for clapping 
 at all. When his vanity is in the cue, 
 Billy Bachelor can talk to you of his amours, 
 and upon occafion ftretch the truth to fave 
 his credit : particularly in accounting for a 
 certain old lamenefs in his knee-pan,, which 
 fome, who are in the fecret, know was got 
 by being kicked out of a coffee-houfe, but 
 which to the world at large he aflerts was in- 
 curred by leaping out of a window to fave 
 
 a lady's
 
 356 THE OBSERVER. No. 109. 
 
 a lady's reputation, and efcape the fury of 
 an enraged hufband. 
 
 Dr. Pycball is a dignitary of the church, and 
 a mighty proficient in the belles lettres : He 
 tells you Voltaire was a man of fome fancy 
 and had a knack of writing, but he bids you 
 beware of his principles, and doubts if he 
 had any more chriftianity than Pontius 
 Pilate : He has wrote an epigram againft a 
 certain contemporary hiftorian, which cuts 
 him up at a ilroke. By a happy jargon of 
 profeffional phrafes, with a kind of Socratic 
 mode of arguing, he has fo bamboozled the 
 dons of the cathedral as to have effected a 
 total revolution in their church mufic, 
 making Purcell, Crofts and Handel give 
 place to a quaint, quirkifh ftile, little lefs 
 capricious than if the organirt was to play 
 cotillions, and the dean and chapter dance to 
 them. The doftor is a mighty admirer of 
 thofe ingenious publications, which are in- 
 titled The flowers of the feveral authors they 
 are felecled from : this Ihort cut to Par- 
 naffus not only faves him a great deal of 
 round-about riding, but fupplies him with 
 many an apt couplet for ofi-hand quota- 
 tions,,
 
 No. iog. THE OBSERVER. 257 
 
 tions, in which he is very expert, and has 
 befides a clever knack of weaving them into 
 his pulpit eflays (for I will not call them 
 fermons) in much the fame way as Tiddy- 
 Dolljluck plums on hisjhort pigs and his long 
 pigs and his pigs with a curley tail. By a 
 proper fprinkling of thefe fpiritual nofegays, 
 and the recommendation of a foft infmuat- 
 ing addrefs, doctor Pyeball is univerfally 
 cried up as a very pretty genteel preacher, 
 one who underftands the politenefs of the 
 pulpit, and does not furfeit well-bred people 
 with more religion than they have ftomachs 
 for. Amiable Mifs Pen Tabby is one of the 
 warmeft admirers, and declares Doctor Pye- 
 ball in his gown and caffock is quite the man 
 of fafhion : The ill-natured world will have 
 it me has contemplated him in other fitua- 
 tions with equal approbation. 
 
 Elegant Mrs. Dainty is another ornament 
 of this charming coterie : She is feparated 
 from her hufband, but the eye of malice 
 never fpied a fpeck upon her virtue; his 
 manners were infupportable, (he, good lady, 
 never gave him the lead provocation, for (he 
 was always fick and moilly confined to her 
 chamber in nurfing a delicate conftitution : 
 
 Noife
 
 *5& THE OBSERVER. No. 109. 
 
 Noifes racked her head, company mock her 
 nerves all to pieces; in the country {he 
 could not live, for country doctors and apo- 
 thecaries knew nothing of her cafe : in Lon- 
 don fhe could not fleep, unlefs the whole 
 ftreet was littered with ftraw. Herhufband 
 was a man of no refinement ; all the fine feel- 
 ings of the human heart were heathen Greek to 
 him ; he loved his friend, had no quarrel 
 with his bottle, and, coining from his club 
 one night a little fluttered, his horrid dal- 
 liances threw Mrs. Dainty into flrong hyfte- 
 rics, and the covenanted truce being now 
 broken, me kept no further terms with 
 him, and they feparated. It was a ftep of 
 abfolute neceflity, for fhe declares her life 
 could no otherwife have been faved 3 his 
 boifterous familiarities would have been her 
 death. She now leads an uncontaminated 
 life, fupporting a feeble frame by medicine, 
 lipping her tea with her dear quiet friends 
 every evening, chatting over the little news 
 of the day, fighing charitably when fhe 
 hears any evil of her kind neighbours, turn- 
 ing off her femme-de-chambre once a week 
 or thereabouts, fondling her lap-dog, who 
 is a, dear fweet pretty creature and fo fen-
 
 No. 109. THE OBSERVER. 259 
 
 fible, and taking the air now and then on a 
 pillion behind faithful John, who is fo care- 
 ful of her and fo handy, and .at the fame 
 time one of the flouteft, handfomeft, beft- 
 limbed lads in all England. 
 
 Sir Hugo Fitz-Hugo is a decayed baronet 
 of a family fo very antient, that they have 
 long fince worn out the eftate that fupported 
 them : Sir Hugo knows his own dignity 
 none the lefs, and keeps a little fnivelling 
 boy, who can fcarce move under the load 
 of worfted lace, that is plaiftered down the 
 edges and {"earns of his livery : He leaves a 
 vifitiag card at your door, ftuck as full of 
 emblems as an American paper dollar. Sir 
 Hugo abominates a tradefman ;. his olfac- 
 tory nerves are tortured with the fcent of a 
 grocer, or a butcher, quite acrofs the way, 
 and as for a tallow-chandler he can wind him 
 to the very end of the ftreet ; thefe are 
 people, whofe vifits he cannot endure; their 
 very bills turn his ftomach upfide down. 
 Sir Hugo inveighs againft modern manners 
 as feverely as Cato would againft French 
 cookery; he notes down omiffions in punc- 
 tilio as a merchant does bills for protefting: 
 and in cold weather Sir Hugo is of fome 
 
 ufe,
 
 z6o THE OBSERVER. No.. 109. 
 
 ufe, for he fuffers no man to turn his back 
 to the fire and fcreen it from the company 
 who fit round : He holds it for a folecifm 
 in good-breeding for any man to touch a 
 lady's hand without his glove : This as a 
 general maxim Mifs Pen Tabby agrees to, 
 but doubts whether there are not fome cafes 
 when it may be waved : He anathematizes 
 the herefy of a gentleman's fitting at the 
 head of a lady's table, and contends that 
 the honours of the upper dim are the una- 
 lienable rights of the miflrefs of the family : 
 In fhort, Sir Hugo Fitz-Hugo has more 
 pride about him than he knows how to dif- 
 pofe of, and yet cannot find in his heart to 
 beftow one atom of it upon honefty : From 
 the world he merits no other praife but that 
 of having lived fingle all his life, and being 
 the laft of his family ; at his deceafe the 
 Fitz-Hugos will be extindl. 
 
 This fociety may alfo boaft a tenth mufe 
 in the perfon of the celebrated Rhodope: 
 Her talents are multifarious : poetical, bio- 
 graphical, epiftolary, mifcellaneous : She can 
 reafon like Socrates, difpute like Ariflotle 
 and love like Sappho j her magnanimity 
 equals that of Marc Antony, for when the 
 
 world
 
 No. log. THE OBSERVER. 261 
 
 world was at her feet, flic facrificed it all 
 
 for love y and accounted it well loft. She was 
 a philofopher in her leading-firings, and had 
 travelled geographically over the globe ere 
 the could fet one foot fairly before the 
 other : Her cradle was rocked to the Iam- 
 bic meafure, and ihe was lulled to fleep by 
 tinging to her an ode of Horace. Rhodope 
 has written a book of travels full of mofl 
 enchanting incidents, which fome of her 
 admirers lay was actually fketched in the 
 nurfery, and only filled up with little tempo- 
 rary touches in her riper years : I know they 
 make appeal to her ftile as internal evidence 
 of what they affert about the nurfery ; but 
 though I am ready to admit that it has every 
 infantine charm, which they difcover in it, 
 yet I cannot go the length of thinking with 
 them, that a mere infant could pofiibly dic- 
 tate any thing fo nearly approaching to the 
 language of men and women : We all know 
 that Goody T-wo-Jlioes^ and other amufmg 
 books, though written for children, were 
 not written by children. Rhodope has pre- 
 ferved fome iingular curicfiUes in her mu- 
 
 ; feum : She has a bottle of coagulated foam, 
 fomething like the congealed blood of Saint 
 
 Januarius :
 
 262 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 109. 
 
 Januarius : this me maintains was the veri- 
 table foam of the tremendous Minotaur of 
 Crete of immortal memory ; there are fome, 
 indeed, who profefs to doubt this, and af- 
 fert that it is nothing more than the flaver 
 of a noble Englim maftiff, which went tame 
 about her houfe, and, though formidable 
 to thieves and interlopers, was ever gentle 
 and affectionate to honeft men. She has 
 a lyre in fine prefervation, held to be the 
 identical lyre which Phaon played upon,, 
 when he won the heart of the amorous Sap- 
 pho; this alfo is made matter of difpute 
 amongft the cognofcenti j thefe will have it to 
 be a common Italian inftrument, fuch as 
 the ladies of that country play upon to this 
 day j this is a point they muft fettle as they 
 can, but all agree it is a well-fining inftru- 
 ment, and difcourfes fweet mufic. She has 
 in her cabinet an evergreen of the cyprefs 
 race, which is luppofed to be the very in- 
 dividual fhrub, that led up the ball when 
 Orpheus fiddled and the groves began a 
 vegetable dance j and this they tell you was 
 the origin of all country dances, now in 
 fuch general practice. She has alfo in her 
 poiTeflion the original epiftle which king 
 
 Agenor
 
 No. 109. THE OBSERVER, 263 
 
 Agenor wrote to Euro-pa ^ difiuading her from 
 
 her ridiculous partiality for her favorite bull, 
 
 when Jupiter in the form of that animal 
 
 took her off in fpite of all Agenor's remon- 
 
 ftrances, and carried her acrofs the fea with 
 
 him upon a tour, that has immortalized her 
 
 name through the mod enlightened quarter 
 
 of the globe : Rhodope is fo tenacious of 
 
 this manufcript, that fhe rarely indulges the 
 
 curiofity of her friends with a fight of it ; 
 
 (lie has written an anfwer in Europe? s behalf 
 
 after the manner of Ovid's epiftle, in which 
 
 ilie makes a very ingenious defence for her 
 
 heroine, and every body, who has feen the 
 
 whole of the correfpondence, allows that 
 
 Agenor writes like a man who knew little 
 
 of human nature, and that Rhodope in her 
 
 reply has the beft of the argument.
 
 364 THE OBSERVER. 
 
 No. CX. 
 
 Homo extra eft corpus fuum cum irafcititr. 
 
 (p. SYRUS.) 
 
 T T is wonderful to me that any man will 
 furrender himfelf to be the flave of pee- 
 vifli and irafcible humours, that annoy his 
 peace, impair his health and hurt his reputa- 
 tion. Who does not love to be greeted in 
 fociety with a fmile ? Who lives that is in- 
 fenfible to the frowns, the fneers, the curfes 
 of his neighbours ? What can be more 
 delightful than to enter our own doors 
 amidft the congratulations of a whole fa- 
 mily, and to bring a chearful heart into a 
 chearful houie ? Foolifh, contemptible 
 ielf-tormentors ye are, whom every little 
 accident irritates, every flight omiflion 
 piques ! Surely we mould guard our paffions 
 as we would any other c.ombuftibles, and 
 not fpread open the inflammable magazine 
 to catch the firft fpark that may blow it and 
 curfelves into the air. 
 
 Tom
 
 No.no. THE OBSERVER. 6$ 
 
 Tom Tinder is one of thefe touchy block- 
 heads, whom nobody can endure : The fel- 
 low has not a fingle plea in life for his ill tem- 
 per ; he does not want money, is not married, 
 has a great deal of health to fpare, and never 
 once felt the flighteft twinge of the gout. 
 His eyes no fooner open to the morning 
 light than he begins to quarrel with the 
 weather; it rains, and he wanted to ride; 
 it is funfhine, and he meant to go a fifli- 
 ing ; he would hunt only when it is a frofr., 
 and never thinks of fkaiting but in open 
 weather ; in fliort the wind is never in the 
 right quarter with this tefiy fellow; and 
 though I could excufe a man for being a 
 little out of humour with an eafterly wind, 
 Tom Tinder (hall box the whole compafs, 
 and never fet his needle to a fingle point of 
 good humour upon the face of it. 
 
 He now rings his bell for his fervant to 
 begin the operation of drefling him, a talk 
 more ticklifti than to wait upon the toilette 
 of a monkey : As Tom fhifts his fervants 
 about as regularly as he does his (hirt, 'tis 
 all the world to nothing if the poor devil 
 does not flumble at flarting; or if by happy 
 infpiration he. (liquid begin with the right 
 VOL. IV. 1 foot
 
 1366 THE OBSERVER. No.no. 
 
 ibot foremoft, Tom has another infpiration 
 ready at command to quarrel with him for 
 -not fetting forward with the left : To a cer- 
 tainty then the razor wants ftrapping, the 
 ihaving water is fmoaked, and the devil's 
 in the fellow for a dunce, booby and block- 
 head. 
 
 Tom now comes down to breakfaft, and 
 though the favage has the flomach of an 
 oftrich, there is not a morfel pafles down 
 his blafpheiiiing throat without a damn to 
 digeft it ; 'twould be a lefs dangerous taik 
 to ferve in the morning mefs to a fafting 
 bear. He then walks forth into his garden ; 
 there he does not meet a plant, which his 
 ill-humour does not engraft with the bitter 
 fruit of curfmg j the wafps have pierced his 
 nedtarines ; the caterpillars have raifed con- 
 tributions upon his cabbages, and the in- 
 fernal blackbirds have eaten up all his cher- 
 ries: Tom's foul is not large enough to 
 allow the denizens of creation a tafte of 
 Nature's gifts, though he furfeits with the 
 fuperabundance of her bounty. 
 
 He next takes a turn about his farm ; 
 jthere vexation upon vexation crofles him at 
 levery corner: The fly, a plague upon't, 
 
 has
 
 No. no. THE OBSERVER. 267 
 
 has got amongft his turnips ; the fmut has 
 feized his wheat, and his fheep are falling 
 down with the rot : All this is the fault of his 
 bailiff, and at his door the blame lies with a 
 proportionable quantity of bleffings to re- 
 commend it. He finds a few dry flicks 
 pickt out of his hedges, and he blails all 
 the poor in the neighbourhood for a fet of 
 thieves, pilferers and vagabonds. He meets 
 one of his tenants by the way, and he has 
 a petition for a new gate to his farm-yard, or 
 fome repairs to his dove-houfe, or it may be 
 a new threih ing-floor to his barn Hell and 
 fury ! there is no end to the demands of 
 thefe curfed farmers His flomach rifes at 
 the requeft, and he turns afide fpeechlefs 
 with rage, and in this manner pays a vifit 
 to his mafons and carpenters, who are at 
 work upon a building he is adding to his 
 offices : Here his choler inflead of fubfiding 
 only flames more furioufly, for the idle rajf- 
 cals have done nothing , fome have been 
 making holiday, others haye gone to the 
 fair at the next town, and the mailer work- 
 man has fallen from the fcaffolfj, and keeps 
 his bed with the bruiies : Every devil is con- 
 jured up from the bottomiefs pit to come 
 N z on
 
 a68 THE OBSERVER. No. no. 
 
 on earth and confound thefe dilatory mif- 
 creants ; and now let him go to his dinner 
 with what ftomach he may. If an humble 
 parfon or dependant coufm expefts a peace- 
 ful meal at his table, he may as well fit 
 down to feed with Thyeftes or the Centaurs. 
 After a meal of mifery and a glafs of wine, 
 which ten to one but the infernal butler has 
 clouded in the decanting, he is fummoned 
 to a game at back-gammon : The parfon 
 throws fize-ace, and in a few more cafls 
 covers all his points ; the devil's in the dice ! 
 Tom makes a blot, and the parfon hits it ; 
 he takes up man after man, and all his 
 points are full, and Tom is gammoned paft 
 redemption Can flem and blood bear this ? 
 Was ever fuch a run of luck ? The dice- 
 box is ilapt down with a vengeance -, the 
 tables ring with the deafening cram, the 
 parfon flands aghafl, and Tom (lamps 
 the floor in the phrenzy of paflion Defpi- 
 cable paffion ! miferable dependant! 
 
 Where is his next refource ? the parfon 
 
 has fled the pit ; the back-gammon table is 
 
 ,clofed ; no chearful neighbour knocks at his 
 
 unfocial gate ; filence and night and folitude 
 
 are lib melancholy inmates ; his boiling 
 
 bofoni
 
 No. i io. THE OBSERVE R, 569 
 
 bofom labours like a turbid lea after the 
 winds are lulled; iliame (lares him in the 
 face; confcience plucks at his heart, and, to 
 divert his own tormenting thoughts, he calls 
 in thofe of another perfon, no matter whom 
 the firfl idle author that Hands next to 
 his hand : he takes up a book ; 'tis a vo- 
 lume of comedies ; he opens it at random ; 
 'tis all alike to him where he begins ; all our 
 poets put together are not worth a halter ; 
 he {tumbles, by mere chance upon 1'he Cho- 
 leric Man; 'twas one to a thoufand he 
 mould ftrike upon that Mailed play What, 
 an infernal title ! What execrable nonfenfe ! 
 What a canting, preaching puppy of an 
 author ! Away goes the poet with his play, 
 and half a dozen better poets than himfeif 
 bound up in the fame lucklefs volume, . the 
 innocent fufferers for his offence. 
 
 Tom now fits forlorn, difgufted, without 
 a friend living or dead to chear him, gnaw- 
 ing his own heart for want of other diet to 
 feed his fpleen upon : At length he ilinks 
 into a comfortlefs bed ; damns his fervant 
 as he draws the curtains round him, drops 
 afleep and dreams of the devil. 
 
 Major 'Mantove is a near neighbour, but 
 N 3 no
 
 z?o THE OBSERVER. No. no. 
 
 no intimate of Tom Tinder's : With the 
 enjoyments that refult from health, the 
 major is but rarely bleft, for a body-wound, 
 which he received in battle, is apt upon cer- 
 tain changes of the climate to vifit him with 
 acute pains. He is married to one of the 
 befl of women ; but me too has impaired 
 her health by nurling him when he was 
 wounded, and is fubject to fevere rheuma- 
 tic attacks. Love however has an opiate 
 for all her pains, and domeftic peace pours 
 a balfam into the hufband's wound. It is 
 only by the fcrutinizing eye of affection, that 
 either can difcover when the other fuffers, 
 for religion has endowed both hearts with 
 patience, and neither v/ill permit a complaint 
 to efcape, which might invite the fympathiz- 
 ing friend to mare it's anguilh. Difablcd 
 for fervice, major Manlove has retired upon 
 half-pay, and as he plundered neither the 
 enemy's country nor his ow r n during the 
 war, he is not burthened with the fuper- 
 fluities of fortune; happily for him thefe 
 are not amongft his regrets, and a prudent 
 oeconomy keeps him ftrait with the world 
 and independant. 
 
 One brave youth, trained under his own 
 
 eye
 
 No. no. THE OBSERVER, 27* 
 
 eye in the fame regiment with himfelf, is all 
 the offspring Heaven hath beftowed upon 
 this worthy father, and in him the hearts of 
 the fond parents are centered ; yet not fo 
 centered, as to (hut them againft the gene- 
 ral calls of philanthropy, for in the village 
 where they live they are beloved and blef- 
 fed by every creature. The garden furnifhes 
 amufement to Mrs. Manlove, and when the 
 fharp north-eaft does not blow pain into the 
 major's wound, he is occupied with his 
 farm: His trees, his crops, his cattle are his 
 nurfelings, and the poor that labour in his 
 fervice are his children and friends. To his 
 fuperiors major Manlove deports himfelf 
 with that graceful refpeft, that puts them 
 in mind of their own dignity without di- 
 miniming his; to his inferiors he is ever 
 kind and condefcending: To all men he 
 maintains a natural fincerity, with a counte- 
 nance fo expreffive of the benevolence 
 glowing in his heart, that he is beloved as 
 foon as known, and known as foon as feen. 
 With a foul formed for fociety, and a lively 
 flow of fpirits, this amiable man no fooner 
 enters into company, than his prefence dif- 
 fufes joy and gladnefs over the whole circle : 
 N 4 Every
 
 27* THE OBSERVER. No.no. 
 
 Every voice bids him welcome ; every hand 
 is reached out to greet him with a cordial 
 ihake. He fits down with a complacent 
 fmile ; chimes in with the converfation as it 
 is going, hears all, overbears none, damps 
 nobody's jeft, if it is harmlefs; cuts no 
 man's flory, if it is only tedious, and is the 
 very life and foul of the table. 
 
 According to annual cuftom I parTed 
 fome days with him laft autumn : There is a 
 tranquillity, which tranfpires from the mafter 
 and miftrefs of this family through every 
 member belonging to it; the fervants are 
 few, but fo affiduous in their refpedive fta- 
 tions, that you can no where be better 
 waited on : The table is plain, but elegant, 
 and though the major himfelf is no fportf- 
 man, and has done carrying a gun, the kind- 
 nefs of his neighbours keeps him well fup- 
 plied with game, and every fort of rural 
 luxury, that their farms and gardens can 
 furnim. Nothing can be more delightful 
 than the face of the country about him, 
 and I was charmed with his little orna- 
 mented form in particular: The difpofition 
 of the "garden, and the abundance of it's 
 fruits and flowers befpeak Mrs. Manlovc no 
 
 common
 
 No.no. THE OBSERVER. 173 
 
 common adept in that fweet and captivating 
 fcience. 
 
 One day as my friend and I were riding 
 through the fields to enjoy the weflern 
 breeze of a fine September morning, our 
 ears were faluted with the full chorus of 
 the hounds from a neighbouring copfe, and 
 as we were croffing one of the paftures 
 towards them, we heard two men at high 
 words behind a thick hedge, that concealed 
 them from our fight, and foon after the 
 found of blows which feemed to be heavily 
 laid on, accompanied with oaths and cries 
 that made us pum to the next gate with all 
 the fpeed we could mufter. One of the 
 combatants was lying on the ground, roar- 
 ing for mercy under the cudgel of his con- 
 queror, who was belaboring him at a furious ' 
 rate : The perfon of the viftor was unknown 
 to major Manlove ; the vanquifht foon 
 made him recognize the rueful features of 
 Tom Tinder, who called upon the major 
 by name to interpofe and fave him from be- 
 ing murdered. 
 
 This was no fooner done than the cud- 
 
 geller, who was a fturdy clown, gave us to 
 
 imderftand, that he had been doing no more 
 
 N 5 than
 
 274 THE OBSERVER. No.no. 
 
 than every Englifhman has a right to do, 
 returning the loan of a blow with proper 
 intereft to the lender : This the proftrate 
 hero did not deny, but afferted that the raf- 
 cal had headed the hare as fhe was breaking 
 cover, and turned her into the wood again, 
 by which means he had fpoiit the day's 
 fport. And did you this defignedly ? faid 
 the major. Not I, matter, replied the 
 countryman, as Heaven fliall judge me ! I 
 love the fport too well to fpoil it wilfully : 
 But if I was travelling along the road juft 
 as pufs was popping through the hedge, 
 could I help it ? am I in the fault ? And 
 fhould this gentleman, if he be a gentleman, 
 ride up to me as if he would have trampled 
 me like a dog under his horfe's feet, and lay 
 the butt of his whip upon my fcull ? I think 
 no man can bear that ; fo I pulled him out 
 of the faddle, and banged him well, and I 
 think no good man, as you appear to be, 
 will fay otherwife than that he well deferved 
 it. If this be fo, anfwered the major, I can 
 fay nothing to the contrary. How, Sir, 
 exclaimed the fquire, who was now upon his 
 legs, is a rafcal like this to return blow' for 
 blow, and does major Manlove abet him in 
 
 fuch
 
 No. no. THE OBSERVER. 275 
 
 fuch infolence ? I am forry, Sir, replied the 
 major calmly, you mould put fuch a quef- 
 tion to me ; f but when gentlemen lofe their 
 temper Sir, quoth Tom, interrupting him, 
 I have loft my horfe, and that's the worfe 
 lofs of the two- 'Tis what you are leafl 
 ufed to, replied the major, and without 
 more words quietly trotted homewards. 
 
 As we jogged along my friend began to 
 comment with much pleafantry upon this 
 ridiculous incident, interlarding his difcourfe 
 every now and then with remarks of a more 
 ferious fort upon the ill effects of a hafty 
 temper, and giving me fome traits of his - 
 neighbour's habits of life, which, though 
 not fo uncommon as I could wifh, were ne- 
 verthelefs fuch, as, when contrafced with 
 his benevolent character, may perhaps ferve 
 to furnim out no very unedifying topic for 
 an Eliay in The Obferver. 
 
 N 6
 
 THE OBSERVER. No. in. 
 
 No. CXI. 
 
 Neque lex eft jiiftior ulla 
 Quam necis artifices arteperirefud. 
 
 \X7- E have heard fo much of the tragical 
 effects of jealoufy, that I was not a 
 little pleafed with an account lately given 
 me of a gentleman, who had been happily 
 cured of his jealoufy without any of thofe 
 melancholy circumftances, which too fre- 
 quently refult from that fatal paffion, even 
 when it is groundlefs : As this gentleman's 
 jealoufy was of that description, I am the 
 rather tempted to relate the ftory (under 
 proper caution as to names and perfons) be- 
 caufe there is a moral juilice in its cataf- 
 trophe, which is pleafing even in fiction, but 
 more particularly fo when we meet it in the 
 real occurrences of life. 
 
 Sir Paul Tefty in his forty-eighth year 
 married the beautiful Louifa in her eigh- 
 teenth : there are fome parents, who feem 
 to think a good fettlement can atone for any 
 difparity of age, and Louifa's were of this 
 fort. Sir Paul had a maiden filler feveral 
 
 years
 
 No. in. THE OBSERVER. 277 
 
 years younger than himfelf, who had kept 
 his houfe for fome time before his marriage 
 with Louifa, and as this lady was in fad an 
 admirable oeconomift, and alfo in pofleffion 
 of a very confiderable independent fortune, 
 the prudent baronet took his meafures for 
 her continuance in his family, where, under 
 pretence of affifling the inexperience of his 
 young bride, (he ftill maintained her govern- 
 ment in as abfolute authority as ever : As 
 Mifs Rachel would have been better pleafed 
 with her brother, had he chofen a wife with 
 lefs beauty and more fortune than Louifa 
 brought into the family, it may well be 
 doubted if me would have remained with 
 him after his marriage, had flie not been 
 pretty far advanced in an affair of the heart ' 
 with a certain young gentleman, whole 
 attentions, though in fact directed to her 
 purfe, me was willing to believe had been 
 honourably addrefied to her perfon : This 
 young gentleman, whom I mall call Lionel, 
 was undoubtedly an object well deferving 
 the regards of any lady in Mifs Rachel's 
 predicament ; with a fine perfon and en- 
 gaging addrefs he had the recommendation 
 of high birth, being a younger fon of the Lord 
 
 Mortimer, .
 
 278 THE OB SERVER. No. in. 
 
 Mortimer, a venerable old peer, who refided 
 at his family manfion within a few miles of 
 Sir Paul, and lived upon the moft friendly 
 terms with him in a frequent intcrccurfe of 
 vifits : Lionel had given this worthy 'father 
 great uneafmefs from his early difiipation 
 and extravagance 5 confideiable iums had 
 been paid for him to clear his debts, but the 
 old lord's eftate being a moderate one and 
 entailed upon his eldeft fon, Lionel had 
 been obliged to fell out of the army, and 
 was now living at home upon the bounty 
 of his father on a reduced and ilender allow- 
 ance. 
 
 It is not to be wondered at that Lionel, 
 who felt his own embarralTments too fen- 
 fibly to neglect any fair means of getting rid 
 of them, mould be willing to repair his 
 fliattered fortunes by an advantageous 
 match ; and though Mifs Rachel was not 
 exaftly the lady he would have choien, yet 
 he very juftly considered that his circum- 
 ftances did not entitle him to chufe for him- 
 felf ; he was alfo ftrongly urged to the mea- 
 fure by his father, to whofe wifhes he held 
 himicif bound iu c>_nfo,m not only on the 
 fcore of duty but of atonement likewife : 
 
 At
 
 No. in. THE OBSERVER. 279 
 
 At this time the affair was in fo promifing a 
 train, that there is little doubt but it would 
 have been brtfught to a conclusion between 
 the parties, had not Sir Paul's marriage 
 taken place as it did ; but as Mifs Rachel, 
 for reafons which are fufficiently explained, 
 determined upon remaining wkh her bro- 
 ther, the intercourfe between the lovers was 
 renewed, as foon as Sir Paul had brought 
 home his bride, and was fufficiently fettled 
 to receive the vifits of his friends and neigh- 
 bours on the occafion. 
 
 Now -it was that the unhappy Rachel be- 
 came a victim to the moft tormenting of all 
 human paflions : her fifter-in-law had a 
 thoufand charms, and me foon difcovered, 
 or fancied me difcovered, that Lionel's 
 attentions were directed towards a fairer ob- 
 ject than herfelf : She had now the ftrongell 
 of ail motives for keeping a watchful eye 
 upon Louifa's behaviour, and it is the pro- 
 perty of jealoufy to magnify and difcolour 
 every thing it looks upon ; for fome time 
 however me kept herfelf under prudent re- 
 flraint ; a hint now and then, cauliouily in- 
 troduced in the way of advice, was ail (he 
 ventured upon; but theie hints were fo 
 
 little
 
 ago THE OBSERVER. No. m. 
 
 little attended to by Louifa, whofe innocent 
 gaiety lent no ear to fuch remonftrances,that 
 they were occafionaiiy repeated in a graver 
 tone ; as thefe grew more and more peevifli, 
 Louita began to take a little mifchievous 
 plealure in teazing, and was piqued into a 
 behaviour, which probably (he would never 
 have indulged herfelf in towards Lionel, had 
 not Rachel's jealoufy provoked her to it j 
 (till it was innocent, but fo far imprudent, 
 as it gave a handle to Rachel's malice, who 
 now began to fow the feeds of difcontent 
 in her brother's irritable bofom. 
 
 In one of thofe fparring dialogues, which 
 now frequently pafled between the fifters, 
 Rachel, after defcanting upon the old topic 
 with fome degree of afperity, concluded her 
 lecture with many profeffions of zeal for 
 Louifa's happinefs, and obferved to her as an 
 apology for the freedom of her advice, that 
 flie had a right to fome little experience of 
 the world more than had yet fallen to the 
 other's lot : To which Louifa replied with 
 fome tartnefs " True ! for you have lived 
 *' more years in it than I have."--" A few 
 " perhaps," anfwered Rachel. " A3 few or 
 ** as many as you chufe to acknowledge," 
 
 added
 
 No. in. THE OBSERVER. 281 
 
 added Louifa : " It is one amongft a variety 
 " of advantages over me, which you are too 
 " generous to boail of, and I am too humble 
 " torcpv.e at." " Be that as it may," faid 
 the other damfel, " you will give me leave 
 " to observe that you have a. double call 
 *' upon you for difcretion; you are a mar- 
 " ried woman." 
 
 " Perhaps that very circumftance may be 
 " a proof of my indifcretion." 
 
 " How fo, madam ! I may venture to fay 
 ".my brother Sir Paul was no unfeafonable 
 " match for your lady ill ip ; at leaft I can 
 " witneis fome pains were employed on your 
 " part to obtain him." 
 
 " Well, my dear fitter," replied Louifa 
 with an affected nonchalance, " after fo 
 " much pains is it not natural I mould wifh 
 " to repofe myfelf a little r" " Indifcretion 
 " admits of no repofe ; health, honour, hap- 
 " pinefs are facrificed by it's effects ; it faps 
 " the reputation of a wife; it lhakes the af- 
 " fedionsof a hufband." 
 
 " Be content !" cried Louifa, " if you 
 " will give no caufe for difturbing the affeo 
 " tions of thehulband, I will take care none 
 
 mall
 
 fl6 THE OBSERVER. No. in. 
 
 " fhall be given for attainting the reputation 
 " of the wife." 
 
 At this moment Sir Paul entered the 
 room, and perceiving by the countenances of - 
 the ladies, that they were not perfectly in 
 good-humour with each other, eagerly de- 
 manded of Louifa why fhe looked fo 
 grave. 
 
 " I would look grave, if I could,"- (he 
 replied, " out of compliment to my corn- 
 " panyj but I have fo light a confcience and 
 " fb gay a heart, that I cannot look gravity 
 " in the face without laughing at it." 
 
 This was delivered with fo pointed a 
 glance at Rachel, that it was not poffible to 
 miflake the application, and (he had no 
 fooner left the room, than an explanation 
 took place between the brother and fifter, 
 in the courfe of which Rachel artfully con- 
 trived to infufe iuch a copious portion of her 
 ownpoifonousjealoufy into the bofom of Sir 
 Paul, that upon the arrival cf lord Morti- 
 mer, which was at this crifis announced 
 to him, he took a fudden determination to 
 give him to underftand how ncceflary it was 
 become to his domeftic happinefs, that 
 
 Lionel
 
 No. in. THE OBSERVER. 263 
 
 Lionel fhould be induced to difcontinue his 
 vifits in his family. 
 
 Under thefe impreffions and in a very 
 awkward ftate of mind Sir Paul repaired to 
 his library, where lord Mortimer was ex- 
 pecting him in a fituation of no lefs embar- 
 raifment, having conned over a fpeech for 
 the purpofe of introducing a propofal for an 
 alliance between the families, and with, a 
 view to found how Sir Paul might ftand 
 affedled towards a match between his fon 
 Lionel and Mifs Rachel. 
 
 As foon as the firft ceremonies were over, 
 which were not very fpeedily difmiffed, as 
 both parties were ftrict obfervers of the old 
 rules of breeding, his lordfhip began after 
 his manner to wind about by way of recon- 
 noitring his ground, and having compofed 
 his features with much gravity and delibera- 
 tion, began to open his honourable trenches 
 as follows " In very truth, Sir Paul, I pro- 
 " teft to you there are few things in life can 
 " give me more pleafure than to find my fon 
 " Lionel fo affiduous in his vifits to this fa- 
 " mily." The baronet, whofe mind at this 
 moment was not capable of adverting to any 
 other idea but what had reference to his own 
 
 jealoufy,
 
 &84 THE OBSERVER. No. in. 
 
 jealoufy, flared with amazement at this un- 
 expected addrefs, and was ftaggered how to 
 reply to it ; at lafl with much hefitation, in a 
 tone of ill counterfeited raillery, he replied, 
 that he truly believed there was one perfon in 
 his family, to whom Mr. Lionel's vifits were 
 particularly acceptable : and as this was a 
 fubjecl: very near his heart, nay, that alone 
 upon which the honour and happinefs of 
 him and his family depended, he afiured 
 his lordfhip that it was with avidity he em- 
 braced the opportunity of coming to an ex- 
 planation, which he hoped would be as 
 confidential on his lordfhip's part, as it 
 mould be on his own. There was fomething 
 in the manner of Sir Paul's delivery, as well 
 as in the matter of the fpeech itfelf, which 
 alarmed the hereditary pride of the old peer, 
 who drawing himfelf up with great dignity 
 obferved to Sir Paul, that for his fon Lionel 
 he had this to fay, that want of honour was 
 never amongft his failings ; nay it was never 
 to be charged with impunity againft any 
 member of his family, and that to prevent 
 any imputation .of this fort from being 
 grounded upon his fon's affiduities to a cer- 
 tain lady, he had now fought this interview 
 
 and
 
 No.iu. THE OBSERVER. a8; 
 
 and explanation with his good friend and 
 neighbour. 
 
 This was fo kind a lift in Sir Paul's con- 
 ception towards his favourite point, that he 
 immediately exclaimed " I fee your lord- 
 " fhip is not unapprifed of what is too con- 
 " fpicuous to be overlooked by any body 
 " who is familiar in this houfe; but as I 
 " know your lordmip is a man of the niceft 
 " honour in your own perfon, I mould hold 
 " myfelf eflentially bound to you, if you 
 " would prevail upon your fon to adopt the 
 " like principles towards a certain lady un- 
 " der this roof, and caution him to defift 
 " from thofe affiduities, which you your- 
 46 felf have noticed, and which, to confefs 
 " the truth to you, I cannot be a witnefs to 
 <f without very great uneafinefs and difcon- 
 " tent." 
 
 Upon thefe words the peer ftarted from 
 his feat as nimbly as age would permit him, 
 and with great tirmnefs replied" Sir Paul 
 " Tefty, if this be your wifh and defire, let 
 " me affure you, it mail be mine alfo j my 
 " fon's vifit in this family will never be re- 
 " peated j fet your heart at reft ; Lionel 
 
 " Mortimer
 
 s86 THE OBSERVER. No. m. 
 
 *' Mortimer will give you and your's no fur- 
 tl ther difturbance." 
 
 " My lord," anfwered the baronet, " I 
 " am penetrated with the fenfe of your very 
 " honourable proceedings, and the warmth 
 *' with which you have exprefled yourfelf oa 
 " a fubje6t fo clofely interwoven with my 
 " peace of mind - f you have eafed my heart 
 " of its burthen, and 1 ihall be ever moft 
 " grateful to you for it." 
 
 " Sir," replied the peer, " there is more 
 " than enough faid on the fubject ; I dare 
 " fay my fon will 'furvive his difappoint- 
 *' ment." " I dare fay he will," faid Sir 
 Paul, " I cannot doubt the fuccefs of Mr. 
 ** Lionel's attentions ; I have only to hope 
 " he will dire6t them to fome other ob- 
 jed." 
 
 Lord Mortimer now muttered fomething 
 which Sir Paul did not hear, nor perhaps 
 Attend to, and took a hafty leave. When 
 it is explained to the reader that Mifs Ra- 
 chel had never, even in the moft diftant 
 manner, hinted the fituation of her heart 
 to her brother, on the contrary had induf- 
 triouily concealed it from him, this mal- 
 
 entendu
 
 No. in. THE OBSERVER. 287 
 
 extend* will not appear out of nature and pro- 
 bability. Lionel, whofe little gallantries with 
 Louifa had not gone far enough feriouily to 
 engage his heart, was fufficiently tired of his 
 mercenary attachment to Mifs Rachel ; fo 
 that he patiently fubmitted to his difmiflion, 
 and readily obeyed his father's commands by 
 a total difcontinuance of his vifits to Sir 
 Paul : To the ladies of the family this be- 
 haviour appeared altogether rnyflerious ; Sir 
 Paul kept the fecret to himfelf, and watched 
 Louifa very narrowly ; when he found me 
 took no other notice of Lionel's neglect, 
 than by flightly remarking that me fuppofed 
 he was more agreeably engaged, he began to 
 difmifs his jealoufy and regain his fpirits. 
 
 It was far otherwife with the unhappy 
 Rachel; her heart was on the rack; for 
 though me naturally fufpected her brother's 
 jealoufy of being the caufe of Lionel's ab- 
 fence, yet me could not account for his 
 lilence towards herfelf in any other way than 
 by iuppofing that Louifa had totally drawn 
 off his affections from her, and this was 
 agony not to be fupported ; day after day 
 pafled in anxious expectation of a letter to 
 explain this cruel neglect, but none came ; 
 
 'all
 
 a88 THE OBSERVER. No. in. 
 
 all communication with the whole family of 
 lord Mortimer was at a flop ; no intelli- 
 gence could be obtained from that quarter, 
 and to all fuch inquiries as (he ventured to 
 try upon her brother, he anfwered fo drily, 
 tha* me could gather nothing from him: 
 In the mean time, as he became hourly bet- 
 ter reconciled to Louifa, fo he grew more 
 and more cool to the miferable Rachel, who 
 now too late difcovered the fatal confe- 
 quences of interfering between hufband and 
 wife, and heartily reproached herfelf for her 
 oirkioufnefs in aggravating his jealoufy. 
 
 Whilft me was tormenting herfelf with 
 thefe reflections, and when Louifa feemed 
 to have forgotten that ever fuch a perfon as 
 Lionel exifted, a report was circulated that 
 he was about to be married to a certain lady 
 of great rank and fortune, and that he had 
 gone up with lord Mortimer to town for 
 that purpofe. There wanted only this blow 
 to make Rachel's agonies compleat ; in a 
 ftate of mind little fhort of phrenfy (lie 
 betook herfelf" to her chamber, and there 
 {hutting herfelf up, (lie gave vent to her paf- 
 fion in a letter fully charged with com- 
 plaints and reproaches, which fhe committed 
 
 7 to
 
 No. in. THE> OB SERVER. 289 
 
 to a trufty meffenger, with ftrid injundions 
 to deliver it into Lionel's own hand, and 
 return with his anfwer: This commiffion 
 was faithfully performed, and the following 
 is the anfwer (lie received in return. 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 ** I am no lefs aftonifhed than affefted 
 t{ by your letter : If your brother has not 
 
 ' " long fmce informed you of his conference 
 u with my father and the refult of it, he has 
 " acted as unjuftly by you ,as he has by lord 
 " Mortimer and myfelf : \Vhen my father 
 " waited upon Sir Paul for the exprefs pur- 
 " pofe of making known to him the hopes 
 " I had the ambition to entertain of render- 
 " ing myfelf acceptable to you upon a pro- 
 " pofal of marriage, he received at once fo 
 " mrt and peremptory a difmiffiori on .my 
 " behalf, that, painful as it was to my feel- 
 " ings, I had no part to ad but filently to 
 " fubmit, and withdraw myfelf from a fa- 
 '* mily, where I was fo unacceptable an in- 
 " truder. 
 
 " When I confirm the truth of the report 
 ** you have heard, and inform you that my 
 
 - " marriage ' took place this tery morning, 
 VOL. IV. O " you
 
 9<5 THE OBSERVER. No. in. 
 
 *' you will pardon me if I add no more 
 <( than that I have the honour to be, 
 l Madam, your rrioft obedient 
 
 " and moil: humble fervant, ' 
 
 '*' LIONEL MORTIMER." 
 
 Every hope being extinguifhed by the 
 receipt of this letter, the difconfolate Rachel 
 became henceforth one of the moft mifer- 
 able of human beings : After venting a tor- 
 rent of rage againft her brother, fhe turned 
 her back upon his houfe for ever, and unde- 
 termined where to fix, whilft at intervals 
 -(he can fcarce be faid to be in poffeflion of 
 her fenfes, fhe is Hill wandering from place 
 to place in fearch of that repofe, which is 
 not to be found, and wherever fhe goes 
 exhibits a melancholy fpectacle of difap- 
 pointed envy and felf-tormenting fpleen.
 
 No. in. THE OBS ERVER. 291 
 
 No. CXII. 
 
 < T17H A T good do you expect to do by your 
 " Obfervers ?" faid a certain perfon 
 to me t'other day: As I knew the man to 
 be a notorious damper, I parried his queftion, 
 as I have often parried other plump qufcftions, 
 by anfwering nothing, without appearing to 
 be mortified or offended : To fay the truth 
 I do not well know what anfwer I could have 
 given, had I been difpofed to attempt it : 
 I mall fpeak very ingenuoufly upon the fub- 
 ject to my candid readers, of whofe indul- 
 gence I have had too many proofs to hefitate 
 at committing to them all that is in my 
 heart relative to our pail or future intercourfe 
 and connection. 
 
 When I firft devoted myfelfto this work, 
 I took it up at a time of leifure and a time 
 of life, when I conceived myfelf in a capacity 
 for the undertaking; I flattered myielf I 
 had talents and materials fufncient to fur- 
 null a collection of mifcellaneous eflays, 
 which through a variety of amufing matter 
 Jhould convey inftruction to fome, entertain- 
 O 2, mejit
 
 a 3* TH'S OBSERVER. No. 1 12. 
 
 merit to moft, and difguft to none of my 
 readers. To effed thefe purpofes I fludied 
 in the firft place to fimplify and familiarize 
 my ftile by all means iliort of inelegance, 
 taking care to avoid all pedantry and affefta- 
 tion, and never fufFering myfelf to be led aftray 
 by the vanity of florid periods and laboured 
 declamation : At the fame time I refolved 
 not to give my morals an auftere com- 
 plexion, nor convey reproof in .a magi- 
 fterial tone, for I did not hold it neceflary 
 to be angry in order to perfuade the world 
 that I was in earned : As I am not the age's 
 Cenfor either by office or -profemon, nor am 
 poffefTcd of any fuch fuperiorities over 
 other men as might juftify me in arTuming 
 a tafk to which nobody has invited me, I 
 was fenfible-I had no claim upon the public 
 for their attention but what I could earn by 
 zeal and diligence, nor any title to their -can- 
 dour and -complacency but upon the evi- 
 dence -of -thofe qualities on my own part. 
 As "I have never made particular injuries a 
 caufe for general complaints, I am by no 
 means out of humour with the world, and it 
 has been my conftant aim .throughout the 
 progrefs of thefe papers to recommend and 
 
 inftil
 
 No. iii. TRE OBSERVER'. 295 
 
 inftil a principle of univcrfal benevolence; I 
 have to the beft of my power endeavoured 
 to fupport the Chriftkn character by occa- 
 lional remarks upon the' evidences and be^- 
 ncfits of Revealed Religion ; and as the tale 
 and circulation', of thefe volumes have ex> 
 eeeded my moft fanguine hopes, I am en- 
 couraged to believe that my endeavours are 
 accepted, and if fo, I truft there is no arro- 
 gance in prefumicg ibme good may have 
 refulted from them. 
 
 I wifh I could contribute to render men 
 mild and merciful towards each other, tole- 
 rating every peaceable member, who mixes in 
 our community without annoying it's* efta- 
 blifhed church: I wifh I could infpire an 
 ardent attachment to our beloved country, 
 qualified however with the gentleft manners 
 and a beaming charity towards the world at 
 large : I wiili I could perfuade contempora.- 
 ries to live together as friends and fellow 
 travellers, emulating each other without 
 acrimony, and chearing even rivals in the 
 fame purfuit with that liberal fpirit of ps> 
 triotifm, which takes a generous intereft in 
 the fuccefs of every art and fcience, that 
 ejnbelliih or. exalt the age and nation webe* 
 O 3 long
 
 294 THE OBSERVER. No. 112, 
 
 long to : I wifh I could devife fome means 
 to ridicule the proud man out of his folly, 
 the voluptuary out of his falfe pleafures , if 
 I could find one confpicuous example, only 
 one, amongft the great and wealthy, of an 
 eflate adminiftered to my entire content, I 
 fhould hold it up with exultation; but when 
 I review their order from the wretch who 
 hoards ta the madman who fquanders, I fee 
 no one to merit other praife than of a pre- 
 ference upon comparifon ; as for the do- 
 meftic bully, who is a brute within his own 
 doors and a fycopha'nt without, the malevo- 
 lent defarher of mankind, and the hardened 
 reviler of religion, they are characters fo in- 
 corrigible, and held in fuclrnniverfal detefla- 
 tion, that there is little chance 'of making 
 any impreflion upon their nature, and no 
 need for provoking any greater contempt, 
 than the world is already difpofed to enter- 
 tain for them : I am happy in believing, 
 that the time does not abound in fuch cha- 
 racters, for my obfervations in life have not 
 been fuch as mould difpofe me to deal in me- 
 lancholy defcriptions and defponding lamen- 
 tations over the enormities of the age; too 
 many indeed may be found, who are lan-
 
 No. T 1 2. THE OBSERVER. -5$; 
 
 guid in the prgcYice of religion, and not a 
 il-.v, who are flippant in their converfation 
 upor^it j but let thefe Tenfclefs triflers call 
 to mind, if they can, one fingle inftance of 
 a man, however eminent for ingenuity, who 
 either by what he has written, or by what 
 he has faid, has been able to raife a well- 
 founded ridicule at the expence of true reli- 
 gion ; enthufiafm, fuperftition and hypo- 
 crify may give occafion for raillery, but 
 againfl pure religion the wit of the blaf- 
 phemer carries no edge 5 the weapon,- when 
 flruck upon that fliield, fhivers in the afiaf- 
 fin's hand, the point flies back upon his 
 bread and plunges to his heart. 
 
 I have not been inattentive to the inte- 
 refts of the fair fex, and have done my bed 
 to laugh them out of their fictitious charac- 
 ters : On the plain ground of truth and na- 
 ture they are the ornaments of creation, 
 but in the maze of * affectation all their 
 charms are loft. Where vice corrupts one 1 , 
 vanity betrays an hundred j. out of the many 
 difgraceful inftances of nuptial infidelity 
 upon record, few have been the wretches, 
 whom a natural depravity has made defpe- 
 wte, but many and various are the miferies,> 
 O/4 , -which
 
 ~ *9* T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 1 12. 
 
 which have been produced by vanity, by 
 refentment, by famionable diffipation, by 
 the corruption of bad example, and mod 
 of all by the fault and neglect of the huf- 
 band. 
 
 They have aflbciated with our fex to the 
 profit of their underftandings and the pre- 
 judice of their morals : We are beholden 
 to them for having foftened our ferocity and 
 difpelled our gloom ; but it is to be regret- 
 ted that any part of that pedantic character, 
 which they remedied in us, mould have -in- 
 fected their manners. A lady, who has 
 quick talents, ready memory, and ambition 
 to mine in converfation, a parlion for read- 
 ing, and who is withal of a certain age or 
 perfon to defpair of conquering with her 
 eyes, will be apt to fend her underflanding 
 into the field, and it is well if fhe does not 
 make a ridiculous figure before her literary 
 campaign is over. If the old ftoek of our 
 female pedants were not fo bufy in recruit- 
 ing their ranks with young novitiates, whofe 
 underftandings they diftort by their train- 
 ing," we would let them ruft out, and fpend 
 their fhort annuity of nonfenfe without an- 
 noying them^ but whilfl they will be fedue-
 
 No. iia. THE OBSERVER. 297 
 
 ing credulous and inconfiderate girls into 
 their circle, and transforming youth and 
 beauty into unnatural and monftrous mapes, 
 it becomes the duty of evejy knight-errant 
 in morality to fally forth to the refcue of 
 thefe hag-ridden and diftrefTed damfels. 
 
 ' It "cannot be fu-ppofed I mean to fay that 
 genius ought not to be cultivated in. one 
 iex-as well as in the other; the object of my 
 anxiety is the prefervation of the female 
 character, by which I xinderftand thofe gen- 
 tJe unafluming manners and qualities pecu- 
 liar to the fex, which recommend them to 
 our protection and endear them to our 
 hearts ;. let their talents and acquirements 
 be what they may, they mould never be 
 put forward in fuch a manner as to over- 
 ihadow and keep out of fight thofe feminine 
 and proper requiiites, which are fitted fo 
 the dome flic fphere., and are indifpenfable 
 qualifications for the. tender and engaging 
 duties of wife and mother; they, are not 
 born to awe and terrify, us into fbbjcction 
 by the flames of their wit of the triumphs 
 of their underflanding : their conquefls are 
 to be effected by fofter approaches, by 
 a genuine delicacy of thought, by a 
 O 5 fimplicity
 
 298 THE OBSERVES.. No. n* 
 
 fimplicity and modefty of foul, which 
 (lamp a grace upon every thing they aft or 
 utter. All this is compatible with every 
 degree of excellence in fcience or art j m 
 fact it is characteriftic of fuperior merit, and 
 amongft the many inftances of ladies now 
 living, who have figured as authors or ar~ 
 tifts,. they are very few, who are not as 
 confpicuous for the natural grace of charac- 
 ter as for talents ; prattlers and' pretender 
 there may be in abundance, who fortunately 
 for the world do not annoy us any other- 
 wife than by their loquacity and imperti- 
 nence. 
 
 Our age and nation have juft reafon to be 
 proud of the genius of our women; the 
 advances they have made within a fhort pe- 
 riod are fcarcely credible, and I reflect upOu 
 them with furprize and pleafure : It behoves 
 every young man of fafhion now to look well 
 to himfelf, and provide fome fund of infor- 
 mation and knowledge, before he commits 
 himfelf to focieties, where the fexes mix : 
 Every thing that can awaken his ambition, 
 or alarm his fenfe of fhame, call upon him 
 for the exertions of ftudy and the improve- 
 ment of -his u'nderftanding ; and thus it 
 
 comes
 
 No. i is. T H E O B SE R VE R. 299 
 
 comes to pafs that the age grows more and 
 more enlightened every day. 
 
 Away then with that ungenerous praife, 
 which is lavimed upon times pail for no 
 other purpofe than to degrade and fink the 
 time-prefent upon the companion ! 
 
 Plus vetu/iis namfa<VLt 
 Ihiiidid mendax, quam bonis pr<efenti.bus. 
 
 PH.EDRUS. 
 
 I confcientioufly believe the" public hap- 
 pinefs of this peaceful sera is not to be pa- 
 ralleled in our annals. A providential com- 
 bination of events has confpired to reftore our 
 national dignity, and eftablifh our internal 
 tranquillity, in a manner which no human 
 forefight could have pointed out, and by 
 roeans which no political jfagacity could 
 have provided. It is a great and fufficient 
 praife to thofe, in whom the conduct of 
 affairs is repofed, that they have clearly feen 
 and firmly feized the glorious opportunity. 
 
 Let us, who profit by the Welling, give 
 proof that we are deferving of it, by being 
 cordially affectioned towards one another, 
 juft and generous to all our fellow -creatures, 
 grateful and obedient to our God. 
 O 6
 
 3oa THE OBSERVER; No. 
 
 NO. cxin. 
 
 A DELISA, polTeft of beauty, fortune, 
 *"* rank, and every elegant accomplifh- 
 ment, that genius and education could 
 beftow, was withal fo unfupportably capri- 
 cious, that fhe feemed born to be the. tor- 
 ment of every heart, which fufFered itfdf 
 to be attracted by her charms. Though 
 her coquetry was notorious to a proverb, 
 fuclx were her allurements, that very fsv, 
 upon whom fhe thought lit to practite 
 them, had ever found refolution to refift 
 their power. Of all the victims of her 
 vanity Leander feemed to be. that over 
 whom (lie threw her chains with the greated 
 air of triumph;- he was indeed a conqueft 
 to boafc of, for he had long and obftinately 
 tlefended his heart,, and for a time made as 
 many reprisals upon the tender paffions cf 
 her fex as fhe raifed contributions upon his : 
 Her better ftar at length prevailed; fhe 
 beheld Leancler at her feet, and though her 
 victory was accomplished at the expence of 
 more tender glances, than me had ever 
 bellowed upon the whole feX collectively, 
 
 yet
 
 No. 1 1 j. THE OBSERVER. 301 
 
 yet it was a victory, which only piqued Ade- 
 jiia to reader his flavery the more intolerable 
 for the trouble it had cofther to reduce him 
 to it. After (lie had trifled with him and 
 tortured him in- every way that her ingenious 
 malice could devife, and ma/de fuch public 
 difplay of her tyranny, as fubjected him 
 to the ridicule and contempt of all' the 
 men, who had envied his fuccefs, and 
 every woman,, who- refented his negleft, 
 Adelifa avowedly difmifled him as an object 
 which could no longer furniih fport to her 
 cruelty, and turned to other purfuits, with 
 a kind of indifference as to. the choice of 
 them, which feeme.d to have no other guide 
 but rr.ere caprice., 
 
 Leander was not wanting to himfelf in 
 the effort's he now made to free himfelf 
 from her chains; but it was in vain; the 
 hand - of beauty had wrapped them too 
 clofely about his heart, and love had ri- 
 veted them too fecurely for reafon, pride, 
 or even the ftrongeft druggies of refent- 
 ment to throw them off; he continued to 
 love, to hate, to execrate and adore her. 
 His firft refolution was to exile himfelf from 
 her fight ; this was a meafure of abfolute 
 
 neceffity,
 
 302 T H E O B S E R V E R. No. 113. 
 
 neceffity, for he was not yet recovered 
 enough to abide the chance of meeting 
 her, and he had neither fpirits nor inclina- 
 tion to ftart a frefli attachment by way 
 of experiment upon her jealoufy. Fortune 
 however befriended him in the very moment 
 of defpair, for no fooner was he out of her 
 fight, than the coquettim Adelifa found 
 foinething wanting, which had been fo fa- 
 miliar to her; that Leander, though de- 
 fpifed when pofleft, when loll was regret- 
 ted. In vain Ihe culled her numerous ad- 
 mirers for fome one to replace him; conti- 
 nually peevifli and difcontented, Adelifa. 
 became fo intolerable to her lovers, that 
 there feemed to be a fpirit conjuring up 
 amongft them, which threatened her with 
 a general defertion. What was to be done ? 
 Her danger was alarming, it was imminent : 
 She determined to recall Leander : She in- 
 formed herfelf of his haunts, and threw 
 herfelf in the way of a rencontre ; but he 
 avoided her : Chance brought them to an 
 interview, and. me began by rallying him 
 for his apoftacy : There was an anxiety under 
 all this affected pleafantry-, that fhe could 
 not thoroughly conceal, and he did not fail 
 8 to
 
 No. us- THE OBSERVER, 303 
 
 to difcover : He inftantly determined upon 
 the very wifeft meafure, which deliberation 
 could have formed ; he combated her with 
 her own weapons; he put himfelf appa- 
 rently fo much at his eafe, and counterfeited 
 his part fo well, as effectually to deceive 
 her: me had now a new taik upon her hands, 
 and the hardeil as well as the moft hazard- 
 ous fhe had ever undertaken : She attempt- 
 ed to throw him off his guard by a pretended 
 pity for his pafl lufTerings, and a promife 
 of kinder ufage for the future: He denied 
 that he had futfered any thing, and affured 
 her that he never failed to be amufed by her 
 humours,, which were perfectly agreeable to 
 him at all times, " then it is plain," re- 
 plied me, " that you never thought of me 
 " as a wife ; for fuch humours muft. be 
 " infupportable to a hufband." " Pardon, 
 " me," cried Leander, " if ever I. fliould be 
 " betrayed into the idle act of marriage,. 
 " I muft be in one of thofe very humours 
 " myfelf : Defend me from the dull uni- 
 " formity of domeftic life ! What caa be 
 4t fo infipid as the tame flrain of nuptial 
 " harmony everlaftingly repeated? What- 
 " ever other varieties I may then debar 
 
 " myfelf
 
 34 T H- E O 'E'S E R V E R . No. 7 rji 
 
 " myfelf of, let me at lead find a variety 
 " of whim in the. woman I am to be fet- 
 " tered to." " Upon my word," exclaimed 
 Adelifa, " you would almoft perfuade me 
 " that we were deftined for each other." 
 This (he accompanied with one of thofe 
 looks, in which (he was moil expert, and 
 which was calculated at once to infpire and 
 to betray fenfibility : Leander, not yet fo 
 certain of his obfervations as to confide in 
 them, feemed to receive this overture as a 
 raillery, and affe&ing a laugh, replied " I 
 "do not think it is in 'the power of def- 
 " tiny herfelf to determine either of us ; fcr 
 " if you was for one moment in the humour 
 " to promife yourfelf to me, I am certain 
 " in. the next you would retract it; and if' 
 " I was fool enough to believe, you, I fliould 
 " well deferve to be punifhed for my cre- 
 " dulity : Hymen will never yoak us to 
 " each other, nor to any body elfe ; but if 
 " you, are in the mind to make a very 
 " harmlefs experiment of the little faith I 
 ** put in all fuch promifes, here is my hand*; 
 " 'tis fit the propofal fliould fpring from 
 " my quarter and not your's ; clofe with it 
 *' as foon as you pleafe, and laugh at roe as 
 
 " much
 
 NO.IIJ. THE OBSERVER. 505 
 
 " much as you pleafe, if I vent one mui> 
 "mur'when you break the bargain." 
 " Well then," laid Adelifa, " to punifli 
 " you for the faucinefs of your provoking 
 ** challenge, and to convince you that I do 
 " not credit you for this pretended indif- 
 " ference to my treatment of you, here is 
 " my hand, and with it my prornife j and 
 " now I give you warning, that if ever I do 
 " keep it, 'twill be only from the convic- 
 " tion that I mall torment you more by 
 " fulfilling it than by flying from it." 
 " Fairly declared," cried Leander, " and 
 " fmce my word is paffed, I'll ftand to it ; 
 "but take notice, if I was not perfectly 
 " fecure of being jilted, I mould think 
 u myfelf in a fair way to be the mofl egregl- 
 " ous dupe in nature." 
 
 - In this drain, of mutual raillery they pro- 
 ceeded to fettle the mod ferious bufmefs of 
 their lives, and whilft neither would ven- 
 ture upon a confeffion of their paflion, 
 each feemed to rely upon the other for a 
 difcovery of it. They now broke up their 
 conference in the gayeft fpirits- imaginable, 
 and Leander. upon, parting offered to make 
 
 abett
 
 3o6 THE OBSERVER. Mo. 113. 
 
 a belt .of half, his fortune with Adelifa that 
 me did not ftand to her engagement, at the 
 fame time naming a certain day as the pe- 
 riod of its taking place. " And what fhalt 
 " I gain," laid me, " in that cafe by half 
 " your fortune, when I mail have a joint 
 " fliare in pofleffion of the whole ?"- 
 " Talk not of fortune," cried Leander, 
 giving loofe to the rapture which he could 
 no longer reftrain, " my heart, my happi- 
 nefs, my life itfelf is your's" So faying he 
 caught her in his arms, preiTed her eagerly 
 in his embrace, and haftily departed. 
 
 No fooner was he out of her fight than, 
 he began to expoftulate with himfelf upon 
 his indifcretion : in the ecflafy of one un- 
 guarded moment he had blaited all his 
 fchemes, and by expofing his weaknefs 
 armed her with frelh engines to torment 
 him. In thefe reflections he paffed the re- 
 mainder of the night ; in vain 1 he ftrove 
 to find fomc j uftification for his folly; he 
 could not form his mind to believe that the 
 tender looks ihe had beflowed upon him. 
 were any other than an experiment upon his , 
 - heart to throw him from his guard, and re- 
 
 efbblilh ;
 
 No. 113. THE OBSERVER. 307 
 
 eftabliih her tyranny. With thefe impref- 
 frofis he prefented himfelf at her door next 
 morning, and was immediately admitted ; 
 Adelifa was alone, and Leander immedi- 
 ately began by faying to her " I am now 
 " come to receive at your hands the-pu- 
 " nimment, which a man who cannot keep 
 " his own fecret richly deferves ; I furrender 
 " myfelf to you, and I expect you will ex- 
 " ert your utmoil ingenuity in tormenting 
 " me ; only remember that you cannot give 
 " a flab to my heart without wounding your 
 " own image, which envelopes every part, 
 " and is too deeply impr-eft for even your 
 " cruelty totally to extirpate." At the 
 . conclufion of this-fpeech, Adelifa's counte- 
 nance became ferious; me fixt her eyes 
 upon the floor, and, after a paufe, without 
 taking any notice of Leander, and as if fhe 
 had been talking to herfelf in foliloquy, re- 
 peated in a murmuring tone " Well, well, 
 " 'tis all over ; but no matter." " For the 
 " love of Heaven," cried Leander in alarm, 
 "what is all over?" "All that is moft 
 " delightful to woman," (lie replied ; -" all 
 " the luxury which the vanity of my fex 
 
 " enjoys
 
 58 THE OBSERVER. No. i r j. 
 " cnioys in tormenting your's : Oh Leander ! 
 " what charming projects of Vevenge had 
 **! contrived to punifh your pretended in- 
 " diiference, and depend upon it I would 
 " have executed them to the utmoft rigour 
 *' of the law of retaliation, had you not in 
 " one moment difarmed me of my malic-; 
 " by a fair confeffion of your love. Believe 
 " me, Leander, I never was a coquette but 
 " in felf-defence j fmcerity is my natural 
 " character; but how fliould a woman of 
 " any attractions be fafe in fuch a character, 
 ** when the whole circle of fafhion abounds 
 " with artificial coxcombs, pretenders to 
 *' fentiment -and profeffors of, fedudion ? 
 " When the whole world is in arms againft 
 " innocence, what is to become of the 
 " naked children of nature, if experience 
 " does not teach them the art of 'defence ? 
 " If I have employed this art more particu.- 
 " lady againft you tlian others, why have I. 
 " Ib done, but becaufe I had more to appre<-' 
 " hend from your infmcerity than any other 
 ** perfon's, and proportioned my defences 
 " to my danger? Between you. and. me, 
 " Leander, it has been more. a. aontcii of 
 
 " cunning^
 
 No! 113. THE OBSERVER. 339 
 
 " cunning than an affair of honour, and if 
 *' you call your own conduct into fair re- 
 " view, trull me you will find little reafon 
 ** to complain of mine. Naturally difpofed 
 " to favour your attentions more than any 
 " other man's, it particularly behoved me 
 " to guard myfelf againft propensities 
 " at ( once fo plealing and fo fufpldous. 
 " Let this fuffice in juftification of what is- 
 " paft ; it now remains that I mould ex- 
 " plain to you the fyftem I have laid 
 " down for the time to come : If ever I 
 " alTume the character of a wife, I devote 
 " myfelf to all its duties ; I bid farewell 
 " at once to all the vanities, the petu- 
 " lancies, the coquetries of what is falfely 
 " called a life of pleafure.; the whole' fyftem 
 " mud undergo a revolution, and be ad- 
 " miniftered upon other principles and to 
 ".other purposes: I know the world too 
 " well to commit myfelf to it, when I have 
 "" more than my own confcience to account 
 "to; when I have not only truths but the 
 " fimilitudes of truths to ftudy 5 fufpicions, 
 " jealoufies, appearances' to provide againft ; 
 " when I am no.',longer finely refponfible on 
 
 " the
 
 3io THE OBSERVER. No. 113. 
 
 " the fcore of error, but of example alfo : 
 " It is not therefore in the public difplay of 
 " an affluent fortune, in drefs, equipage, 
 " entertainments, nor even in the fame of 
 " fplendid charities my pleafures' will be 
 " found ; they will center in domeftic occu- 
 " pations j in cultivating nature and the 
 " fons of nature, in benefiting the tenants 
 " and labourers of the foil that fupplies us 
 " with the means of being ufeful ; in living 
 " happily with my neighbours j in availing 
 " myfelf of thofe numberlefs opportunities, 
 " which a refidence in the country affords, 
 " of relieving the untold diftreffes of thofe, 
 " who fuffer in fecret, and are too humble 
 " or perhaps too^proud to afk." Here the 
 enraptured Leander could no longer keep 
 filence, but breaking forth into tranfports 
 of love and admiration, gave a turn to 
 the converfation, which is no otherwife in- 
 terefting to relate than as i't proved the pre- 
 lude to an union which fpeedily took place, 
 and has made Leander and Adeliia the 
 fondeft and the worthieft couple in Eng- 
 land. 
 
 From Adelifa's example I would wil- 
 u- lingly
 
 No. us. . THE OBSERVER. 511' 
 
 lingly eftablifli this conclufion, that the cha- 
 racters of young unmarried women, who are 
 objects of admiration, are not to be decided 
 upon by the appearances, which they are 
 oftentimes tempted to aflume upon the plea 
 of felf "defence : I would not be understood 
 by this to recommend difguife in any fliape, 
 or to juflify thofe who refort to artifice 
 upon the pretended neceffity of the mea- 
 fure ; but I am thoroughly difpofed to be- 
 lieve, that the triflings and diflemblings of 
 the young and fair do not fo often flow from 
 the real levity of their natures, as they are 
 thought to do : Thofe in particular, whofe 
 fituation throws them into the vortex of 
 the famion, have much that might be faid 
 in palliation of appearances. Many co- 
 quettes befides Adelifa have become admi- 
 rable wives and mothers, and how very 
 many more might have approved themfelves 
 fuch, had they fallen into the hands of men 
 of wortli and good fenfe, is a conjecture, 
 which leads to the moft melancholy reflec- 
 tions. There is fo little honorable love in 
 the men of high life before marriage, and 
 fo much infidelity after it, that the huf- 
 
 band
 
 Ji2 THE OBSERVER. No, 113. 
 
 band is almoft in every inftance the corrupter 
 of his wife. A woman (as ihe is called) of 
 the world is in many people's notions a pro- 
 icribed animal ; a filly idea prevails that 
 flie is to lead a hufband into certain ruin 
 and difgrace : Parents in general feem 
 agreed in exerting all their influence and 
 authority for keeping her out of their 
 families j in place of whom they frequently 
 obtrude upon their fons fome raw and in- 
 experienced thing, whom they figure to 
 themfelves as a creature of perfect inno- 
 cence and fimplicity, a wife who may be 
 modelled to the wifhes of her hufband, 
 whofe manners are untainted by the vices 
 of the age, and on whofe purity, fidelity 
 and affection he may repofe his happinefs 
 for the reft of his days. Alas ! how grofsly 
 they misjudge their own true interefts in 
 the cafe : How dangerous is the fituation of 
 thefe children -of the nurfery at their firft 
 introduction into the world ! Thofe only 
 who are unacquainted with the deceitfulnefs 
 of pleafure can be thoroughly intoxicated by 
 it ; it is the novelty which makes the dan- 
 ger - 9 and furely it requires infinitely more 
 
 judgment.
 
 No. i is- THE OBSERVER. 313 
 
 judgment, ftronger refolutions and clofer 
 attentions to fleer the conduct of a young 
 wife without experience, than would ferve 
 to detach the woman of the world from 
 frivolities fhe is furfeited with, and by fix- 
 ing her to your interefts convert what you 
 have thought a diflipated character ' into a 
 domeflic one. 
 
 The fame remark applies to young men 
 of private education : you keep them in 
 abfolute fubjection till they marry, arid 
 then in a moment make them their own 
 matters; from mere infancy you expert 
 them to ftep at once into perfect man- 
 hood : the motives for the experiment may 
 be virtuous, but the effects of it will be 
 fatal. 
 
 I am now approaching to the conclulion 
 of this my fourth volume, and according to 
 my prefent purpofe mall difmifs the Ob- 
 firvers from any further duty : The reader 
 
 VOL, IV. P and
 
 3H THE OBSERVER. No. 113. 
 
 and I are here to part. A few words there* 
 fore on fuch an occafion I may be permitted 
 to fubjoin ; I have done my beft to merit 
 his protection, and as I have been favour- 
 ably heard whilft yet talking with him, I 
 hope I fhall not be unkindly remembered 
 when I can fpeak no more : I have paffed a 
 life of many labours, and now being near it's 
 end have little to boaft but of an inherent 
 good-will towards makind, which difap- 
 pointments, injuries and age itfelf, have not 
 been able to diminim. It has been the chief 
 aim of all my attempts to reconcile and en- 
 dear man to man : I love my country and 
 contemporaries to a degree of enthufiafm 
 that I am not lure is perfectly defenfible ; 
 though to do them juftice, each in their turns 
 have taken fome pains to cure me of my 
 partiality. It is however one of thefe ftub- 
 born habits, which people are apt to excufe 
 in themfelves by calling it a fecond nature. 
 There is a certain amiable lady in the world, 
 in whofe interefts I have the tendereft con- 
 cern, and whofe virtues I contemplate 
 with paternal pride ; to her I have always 
 wifhed to dedicate thefe volumes -, but 
 
 when
 
 No. 113. THE OBSERVER. - 3 rj 
 
 when I conflder that fuch a tribute cannot 
 add an atom to her reputation, and that no 
 form of words, which I can invent for the 
 occafion, would do juflice to what pafles in 
 my heart, I drop the undertaking and am 
 filent. 
 
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