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THE 
 
 ECCENTRIC. 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE WEGUELIN, Gent. ^^^^^ 
 
 ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL. 
 
 LONDON 
 
 PRINTED BY WALTON AND MITCHELL, 
 WARDOUR STREET, SOHO. 
 
 MDCCCXXIX. 
 
e cc 
 
 TO THE 
 
 ECCENTRIC SOCIETY. 
 
 »«>frei 
 
 Gentlemen, 
 
 Having been honored by you with the distin- 
 guished dignity of Laureat, I take the liberty of dedi- 
 cating these Poems to you; as those humble effusions 
 were produced at the request and earnest desire of the 
 Members of the Society, for their particular pleasure 
 and sole amusement. Composed to elevate Eccentricity, 
 and not prepared for public criticism, — I did not anti- 
 cipate, at the time I had the honor of reciting them 
 before you, that any Member would so far have abused 
 the confidence honorably and implicitly placed in the 
 Society, as a body, surreptitiously to aim at depriving 
 me of those laurels, your universal suffi-age and appro- 
 bation have decreed me; for contributing so largely 
 and dilio-ently to your hilarity, amusement, and eccen- 
 tricity. 
 
 That this unfair dealing has been exercised towards 
 me, your elected Laureat, no doubt exists; and the 
 injustice has been effected by clandestinely taking notes 
 at the epochs of the Poems being read, and by their 
 
 a2 
 
being published by a Member, as his own composition, 
 for his selfish and sordid benefit; thereby defrauding me, 
 their true Author, of my just right and meed, and 
 committing them to the public, (at whose ordeal of 
 opinion they were never purposed to appear,) crude and 
 uncorrected, as they were produced, in hours of con- 
 fiding cheerfulness and undisguised eccentricity. 
 
 That they breathe nothing but what is loyal, and 
 that no immoral feelino- stains their lustre, — I, as their 
 Author, feel justly proud ; well knowing the difficulty 
 there is, when the mind unbends from serious pursuits 
 and gives the reins to convivialty, to keep right steer- 
 age, and avoid failing from mirth to folly. 
 
 I therefore, in justification of myself, and honest 
 protection of my own property, (such an outrage and 
 spoliation having been committed by the daring pla- 
 giarism,) and not from any personal vanity or pecu- 
 niary advantage, but solely in vindication of my own 
 honor and just right, now present those Poems to my 
 brother Eccentrics, as a tribute of my high esteem for 
 them, — as a proof of my diligence in the labors of 
 eccentricity, for the promotion of innocent cheerful- 
 ness, — and as a last farewell in my character of Laureat. 
 
 I am, Gentlemen, 
 
 With great respect. 
 Your most obedient Servant, 
 
 Geo. Weguelin. 
 
 Grafton Street, Fiizroi/ Square. 
 
ORDER OF THE POEMS, AND 
 WHEN READ. 
 
 Song, Duke of York.... redid 6 th Sept. 1825. 
 
 Olympus „ 25th Aug. IS26. 
 
 Funeral Oration „ 17 th Feb. 1827. 
 
 Eccentric Drama „ 3lst Dec. 1827. 
 
 The Laureat's Farewell. 
 
^ Sons, 
 
 DEDICATED TO 
 
 H. R. H. THE DUKE OF YORK, 
 
 FOR HIS EVER-MEMORABLE SPEECH IN THE 
 HOUSE OF LORDS. 
 
 GOD bless noble York! I sing, 
 Whose vow protects his King, 
 
 From enemies profound ; 
 Who aim to cut down the tree 
 Of Church, State, and Liberty, 
 That rais'd our prosperity 
 
 To glorious renown. 
 
 What ! shall our gracious King, 
 Submit to such a thing 
 As Popish sway ? 
 Their hatred's unalterable 
 To Protestants— unpardonable. 
 By Pope, Priest, or Cardinal ;— 
 God be our stay ! 
 
May York's heroic arm 
 Shield us from every harm. 
 
 That threatens our laws : 
 Britons, join heart and hand. 
 To overthrow this papal band. 
 That would enslave our land j- 
 
 God defend our cause .' 
 
 Thy choicest gifts in store. 
 On York be pleas'd to pour ; 
 
 God strengthen him ! 
 Crown him victorious, 
 Happy and glorious. 
 Long to uphold us ; — 
 
 God save the King ' 
 
OLYMPUS IN AN UPROAR 
 
 A POETICAL EXTRAVAGANZA. 
 
 THE ARGUMENT. 
 
 An Author being at his studies, his flights of imagination 
 ascend to Mount Olympus, before the assembly or court of the 
 Gods ; who are struck with astonishment at the boldness of the 
 intruder's fancy, — denounce his performances as pedantic, 
 inflammatory, and treasonable ; and provokes Jupiter to com- 
 mence an attack to annihilate all poets and their works, and to 
 desolate the world ; but is interrupted in his design by the 
 arrival of Mercury, with tidings of the Author that has caused 
 the uproar, and with additional accusations against him. 
 Minerva interposes in his behalf, defends and vindicates his 
 cause, and challenges the whole synod that can prove to the 
 contrary. The Goddesses get together by the ears :, — vast 
 personal abuse; — the sacred mount in danger, which would 
 inevitably been fatal to all, had not Jupiter put a stop to the 
 controversy, by interposing his authority to that effect; sums 
 up the evidence on both sides with great ability and imparti- 
 ality, and gives judgment in favour of the Author, whom he 
 justifies and immortalizes; commands Apollo to record the 
 same, and harmony and good fellowship is restored. Momus 
 now steps forward, and obtains permission to have a copy from 
 Apollo, which he gives to the world, and in his droll jesting 
 inanner tells her he don't care whether she likes it or not, as he 
 is quite regardless of its fate, and thus the Poem ends. 
 
 AN humble bard, unknown to public fame. 
 Who never wrote for honor, wealth or name. 
 
10 
 
 But only for a whim, himself to please. 
 
 When, free from care, he gently took his ease. 
 
 The Muses then engaged his leisure time. 
 
 To jingle nonsense in his head to rhyme ; 
 
 And as Pegasus winged, his fancy soar'd 
 
 To Mount Olympus — before the celestial board. 
 
 The Gods, amaz'd, were struck with great sui'prize. 
 
 And scarcely could believe their ears and eyes, 
 
 " Whence comes," said they, " this incongruity ? 
 
 There's not a line of it — in unity ; 
 
 This jargon certainly will affright the devil ! 
 
 Such tropes, bad grammar, — all is a mere riddle. 
 
 Vain vapid trash, romantic rodomontado. 
 
 The bewilder'd brain of some maniac bravado. 
 
 To puzzle our council, seems the silly attempt. 
 
 The sum and substance of the argument :" 
 
 For, really, it consisted of neither rhyme nor reason 
 
 To say the truth, it savour'd more of treason. 
 
 And who the author was, no one could tell. 
 
 Whether he resided in heaven, earth, or hell; 
 
 So up they rose simultaneously on the occasion. 
 
 To know who dar'd to make this innovation ? 
 
 Like mighty billows, whose surges lash the sky. 
 
 Is heedless of the bark it throws so high ; 
 
 So work'd they on their powerful potentate, 
 
 To rouse his ire into deadly hate. 
 
u 
 
 This made great Jupiter send forth his thunder. 
 
 To strike the world below with awe and wonder. 
 
 And all her lofty palaces lay waste ; — 
 
 Had not swift Mercury, with nimble haste. 
 
 Put a stop to the high dire decree. 
 
 Gone forth to destroy all poets and poetry ! 
 
 So coming in with speed, quite out of breath, 
 
 Approach'd the royal presence — pale as death : 
 
 And, bowing reverentially profound, — 
 
 " Please your majesty," said he, " I've found 
 
 This extraordinary pedantic prodigy. 
 
 That has made so free with our genealogy. 
 
 Would you believe it comes from the wretched pen 
 
 Of one poor scribbler, nam'd George Weguelin ? 
 
 'Tis he that has been so prodigal with our lives. 
 
 And of us wrote so many notorious lies ; 
 
 Branding us up and down for paltry rascals. 
 
 As tho' we were fit for nothing but his vassals." 
 
 "Stop, stop!" cried Minerva, "brother Mercury, you 
 
 mistake ; 
 He certainly has been a consummate rake 
 Amongst the Goddesses, that is known full well ; 
 There's Venus, the Graces, Muses, all can tell 
 How much he lov'd them ; and would risk his life 
 To shield our reputation from shame and strife. 
 But, as for what you've said, I don't believe 
 One word of slander from his lips could breathe; 
 
12 
 
 All can be said, he's a jocular pleasant man, — 
 
 Now that's the truth; — deny it, I dare who can !" 
 
 At that the ladies' tongues began to clatter 
 
 So much, no one could tell what was the matter. 
 
 With might and main they each other roast. 
 
 Who had been cuckold or had cuckold most ; 
 
 And really were proceeding to hurl a blow 
 
 That threaten 'd the sacred mount with overthrow. 
 
 But Jupiter, who past, present, future, all can see,- 
 
 Soon made a virtue of necessity ; 
 
 And, therefore, to put a stop to this contention, 
 
 Issued forth his fiat for its peremption. 
 
 In voice tremendous, that the Empyrean shook. 
 
 As thus he address'd the Gods, with solemn look : — 
 
 " I see" said he "what all this row's about, 
 
 Tis envy, malice, — the secret now is out; 
 
 And tho' 'tis said he's an author of little note. 
 
 He never receiv'd a farthing for what he wrote. 
 
 Not like your sapless wits of the present day. 
 
 Who can neither write nor speak, yet look for pay; 
 
 His pen ne'er panegyrized ambition's shrine. 
 
 Or advocated the voluptuous libertine ; 
 
 Or put to blush the lovely virgin's cheek. 
 
 By ribaldry unfit the eye to meet; 
 
 Or e'er polluted the fair historic page. 
 
 By vilifying the illustrious or the sage. 
 
13 
 
 His soul, indignant, spurn'd such venora'd rhyme, 
 
 Whose venal authors live by lust and crime ; 
 
 But was always open, generous, and free. 
 
 To every rank of life in society. 
 
 What, if he did scribble walls for want of paper. 
 
 He's not the worse for that ; — he is no traitor ! 
 
 It's that many a celebrated poet have done before. 
 
 Wrote a new year's or natal ode on a cellar door; 
 
 And some of the wisest have been at a loss to know 
 
 Whether it should be pro or con, or con or pro. 
 
 In my estimation, poor gentleman. 
 
 He did what all should do— the best they can : 
 
 And thus, to fill up time, it is no wonder 
 
 That he sometimes did make a little blunder. 
 
 So the wags may joke and sneer, but, by my state, 
 
 I proclaim him chief of poets immaculate ; 
 
 And for his devoted zeal to our renown. 
 
 His prolific brows with sacred laurel crown. 
 
 With bowls of nectar, to dispel dull care, 
 
 To celebrate the Gods and toast the fair." 
 
 His aspect by this time had grown serene. 
 And not a trait remain'd of former spleen ; 
 For now, like Sol, he shew'd a glorious face. 
 As he proceeded on with animated grace. 
 " Come hither, my dear Apollo," he call'd aloud, 
 " On golden tablet in yon azure cloud, 
 
11 
 
 Inscribe these lays — this energetic verse — 
 
 That we in grand assembly may rehearse. 
 
 At ambrosial festivals and merriment." 
 
 The Deities unanimously bow'd assent. 
 
 And with melodious notes they sung divine 
 
 Praises to Jove and the tuneful Nine. 
 
 The Royal Court were now rising to retire. 
 
 But Apollo returning, with his silver lyre. 
 
 Presented the tablet with a gracious smile. 
 
 And play'd it off in most exquisite style. 
 
 The Gods were all delighted ; and Momus, as a favor. 
 
 Requested a transcript of Apollo's labor : 
 
 Which, having obtain'd permission, whate'er may be its 
 
 lot. 
 Whether it possesses any title to merit or not. 
 To the world, meriy INIomus gives, regardless of hope or 
 
 fear; 
 But should there be a fault — critic, drop a tear, — 
 To blot it out ; and in oblivion's bed 
 Put it to rest amongst your poetic dead. 
 
A FUiNERAL ORATION, 
 
 ON THE MUCH-LAMENTED DEATH OF 
 
 H. R. H. THE DUKE OF YORK. 
 
 HOW shall the Muse begin— where make an end— 
 a theme so ponderous for her feeble pen ? Inspire her. 
 Heaven, with thy celestial aid, to draw a portrait of 
 departed worth, adequate to his illustrious rank and 
 merit; for human power cannot perform the task. 
 
 Oh, Britons ! Britons ! the Royal Funeral's past — 
 the solemn dirge is o'er. See how Britannia weeps ! — 
 Weeps for her dear son, her chief in arms, who now lies 
 
 folded in the embrace of Death. Well might he be 
 
 called her chief in arms, and most beloved son. -He 
 
 was the champion of his King, his country, and his 
 God. 
 
16 
 
 Dauntless he stood (nor stood in vain), the Hero 
 of our sacred Hberties ; and boldly threw his gauntlet 
 at the foe, who stood aghast to see his martial spirit 
 and devoted zeal. That vow he then pronounced, flew 
 swift to Heaven's high altar, and was received with 
 
 shouts of joy by all its Holy Host. No tear was 
 
 shed, or requisite, to blot it out, for it was engraven 
 on the hearts of all the Saints that love their God; 
 nor all the powers of hell can e'er erase it thence. — 
 The Pope may grin, and Cardinals gnash their teeih, 
 but 'twill have no effect : — their excommunications, 
 alike their absolutions, are vile cheats. Neither requires 
 he their requiems for his soul, to release it from the 
 bonds of Purgatory ; knowing full well they could not 
 save their own. But Purgatory and excommunica- 
 tion — What a weak device ! — A bugbear ! fit only to 
 alarm a child. Well may these holy fathers strain their 
 utmost nerve to keep their slaves in ignorance; but 
 soon the time will come they'll ope' their eyes, and then 
 
 farewell to all infernal thraldom. No ! no ! his soul 
 
 ascended to the blessed realms of light, without their 
 help. Fast by the side of God, it is preserved, clothed 
 in glorious immortality, enjoying endless beatitude and 
 love — a just reward — and in his holy council pleads our 
 cause, and shields us from the iron yoke of Popery. 
 
17 
 
 And tliouoh his mortal frame moulders in the tern- 
 pie of great St. George, who guards the Castle of our 
 gracious King, — from whose majestic towers his princely 
 arm holds the balance of the mighty world, — Still, still, 
 he lives ! — lives in the breasts of all true Englishmen. — 
 But, chief, ye brave defenders of your country ! — He 
 was the Soldier's friend ! — Nay, he was more — he was 
 their Father also ! Bear witness all ye hardy veterans, 
 brothers in arms, when on the plains of Gallia he led 
 you on to victory, how oft he has administered to your 
 necessities. — Like the immortal Nelson, of renown, he 
 did his duty ; making the bed of sorrow a couch of 
 down, and easing the pang of death, by cheering the 
 broken heart with this most soothing reflection, — their 
 
 orphans then became his children. -He fathered all 
 
 that came to him legitimately, and raised a race of 
 youthful warriors to bless his memory and defend their 
 country. — They came, a thousand strong, from the Col- 
 lege of infant Mars, raised by his munificence, to shed 
 the last sad parting tear o'er their Royal patron's corse. 
 
 Those tears were tears of feeling — from the heart 
 
 — that rolled in artless torrents down their innocent 
 
 cheeks. "Alas ! alas !" they cried, " our father— our 
 
 best friend — would to God we had died for thee !- 
 
 Never ! never will we disgrace thy precious name, or 
 flinch, in time of need, our beloved country's cause." 
 
 B 
 
18 
 
 Now let us draw the veil of dark futurity aside, and 
 view the last picture of mortality, — the dissolution of 
 the universe, — that most tremendous day ! — When the 
 Archangel, descending with loud trump, shall rend the 
 
 spheres, and proclaim to man — Time's no more ! 
 
 At that dread moment, before the awful throne of God, 
 all nations will be summoned, for final judgment. — 
 Then will Frederick, the blessed, the great, be 
 raised up to receive a glorious reward. In bloom of 
 youth he'll then appear, renovated and refreshed. — 
 Like to a Giant, invigorated with new wine, to meet, 
 triumphantly, his pallid adversaries. — But Horror, even 
 Horror, shrinks at the bare recital of what will be 
 their fate ! They too will rise, but in deformity ter- 
 rific ! With hideous shapes, that freeze the young- 
 blood and make the hair to stand on end like quills of 
 the fretful porcupine. Then will Cowls, Rosarys, and 
 Relics, and all the trash of Popish craft and sanctity, 
 be thrown to Bats and Moles ; — the holy fathers will 
 not own them then. — But all will not avail; mountains 
 and rocks will not screen their accursed heads against 
 the vengeance of offended Heaven ; but forth will they 
 be driven to those perpetual infernal shades prepared 
 before the worlds were formed, when chaos reigned — 
 for Satan and his impious crew. 
 
19 
 
 Then, Britons ! magnanimous Britons ! rejoice, re- 
 joice, and be exceeding glad! Frederick, our 
 
 beloved Prince, not only sleeps in peace on earth, but 
 his benign spirit presides o'er our destinies in Heaven ; 
 and, with paternal care, guards our happy isle from 
 Popish chains and slavery ; — diffusing throughout the 
 land, by his most noble and heroic example, a lasting 
 monument of glory to his blessed memory — 
 
 AD INFINITUM. 
 
 b2 
 
EXORDIUM, 
 
 ADDRESSED TO THE ECCENTRIC SOCIETY. 
 
 Gentlemen, 
 
 THE very high and distinguished honor which you 
 have been pleased to confer on me, of Poet Laureat, 
 when I behold before me an assembly possessing such 
 superior and transcendent abilities in the literary world 
 to any thing my humble pen can produce,— impresses 
 me with diffidence and awe; feeling, as I do, my own 
 incapacity to do justice to your expectations. I there- 
 fore most earnestly crave your usual kind indulgence 
 and liberahty, on this, as on former occasions. 
 
 Gentlemen, having been requested to compose a 
 Poem on our return to our original Saloon, from whence 
 all Eccentricity springs, I have shaped the subject into 
 a Drama ; the characters of which are selected from 
 some of our most brilliant Eccentrics of the present 
 dav, whom I hope will in no wise feel offended at any 
 little liberty taken with their singularities, but attribute 
 it to the whim of the moment ; as Poets, you know, 
 are allowed an eccentric latitude, to promote pleasantry 
 and mirth. 
 
A SATIRICAL DRAMA, 
 
 KXTITLF.D 
 
 TSfjt ISccetrtric; 
 
 OR, 
 
 NOTHING LIKE HOME. 
 
 ' Draoialis Persounce. 
 
 President, 
 Charger General, 
 Sergeant Bayly, 
 Pannel, 
 
 SOMNUS, 
 
 Sir John Longbow, 
 Jonathan Marvellous, 
 Solomon Mace, Crown Officer, 
 Bishop Bonner, 
 Archdeacon Changeable, 
 Doctor Bolus, 
 Multum in Parvo, 
 Hercules Champion, 
 Commodore Swiftsure, 
 Lazarus Hammond. 
 
 SCENE— ry?e Eccentric Hall. 
 
 Prologue, spoken by the Author. 
 Epilogue, Charo-ci- General. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 BOAST not of Rome, nor ail her pomp of state^ 
 Tho' once so mighty, and imperious great ; 
 She, ^vho proclaim'd herself to all the world 
 Mistress thereof, and thence her vengeance hurl'd 
 On all, but abject slaves who bent the knee 
 And bow'd their necks with great humility. 
 But Britons, noble Britons, led the way. 
 To stop ambitious Rome's gigantic sway. 
 And restore the glorious face of day, — 
 That long had lain beneath the shades of night : 
 But as bright Sol arose, dispers'd in flight. 
 Like the arch Fiend who flew from Uriel's face. 
 Whose sable pinions only could be trac'd ; 
 And never more, I pray, will re-appear. 
 To blast old England with a curse so dear. 
 O happy hour I so grateful to mankind. 
 To enjoy again sweet freedom of the mind. 
 
 } 
 
24 
 
 Blest Reformation ! long may thy wings o'erspread. 
 
 And shield our envy'd land from Popish dread. 
 
 But what of Rome, and all her mighty deeds. 
 
 Her lofty turrets or her flovv'ry meads ; 
 
 Her Carnivals, or Amphitheatres, 
 
 Her gaudy shows, or wretched Gladiators ; 
 
 Where exhibitions, to amuse the great. 
 
 Are made important matters of the state ? ■ 
 
 I sing a nobler theme, of vast renown, — 
 
 Eccentric wanderings and return to town ; 
 
 Fam'd London Town — that grand emporium 
 
 Of Merchandise, all the world bring in 
 
 To that great Mart, compact in all its parts. 
 
 The seat of wisdom, sciences, and arts; 
 
 There noble Georgius reigns with splendid sway. 
 
 The mightiest Monarch of the present day ; , 
 
 He holds, with justice, the golden scales of power. 
 
 Diffusing life and joy each circling hour, 
 
 To all his subjects, of whate'er degree. 
 
 Whom he upholds by his magnanimity. 
 
 No Widow or poor Orphan ever cry. 
 
 But what his gracious ear is ever nigh 
 
 To hear their plaints — relieve their wants and cares- 
 
 And with his princely aid dry up their tears. 
 
 Thrice happy nation ! blest with such a King ; 
 
 May God preserve him, let the nation sing. 
 
25 
 
 Now as we are met, by usage, here to night. 
 After a preposterous perilous flight. 
 In which I believe few histories of late 
 A story half so wonderful relate. 
 As birds of passage from bush to brier roam, 
 Can find no resting place till they get home ; 
 So we, per favour of our glorious King, 
 Shelter once more under his sovereign wing. 
 To hold our senate in our ancient hall. 
 Where Eccentricity extends to all. 
 Free brothers of the sacred order rais'd 
 Of noble virtues, wdiich can ne'er be raz'd ; 
 That love the synod of so great a name, 
 And glory only in Eccentric fame. 
 Not like the empty fop of high degree. 
 Who vaunts his dress or frothy pedigree : 
 No, no ; Eccentric essence is a blazing star, 
 Whose powerful rays enlighten nations far 
 With brilliant ideas, that illume the mind. 
 And raise the thoughts above the vulgar kind ; 
 Makes genius boundless — aloft in air it flies- 
 Expands in space unlimited in the skies; 
 From world to world it roams about at pleasure. 
 And then returns with eccentric treasure 
 Of wit, of whim, bon-mot, and jeu d'esprit. 
 The ver}^ soul of Eccentricity, 
 
26 
 
 To the grand Council of the brotherhood. 
 
 Where no two faces he beneath a hood. 
 
 Like the gay Bee, who roams about for sweets. 
 
 Returns to the hive with dehcious meats. 
 
 There all is open, generous, and free. 
 
 Of converse, argument, and liberty, 
 
 To every Member of the Coterie. 
 
 They weigh the laws judiciously and true. 
 
 Cut out the obsolete or make the code anew ; 
 
 With equity and justice fill the chair 
 
 Of regal power, whene'er elected there ; 
 
 And tries impartially the cause profound. 
 
 Sums up with wisdom and the laws expound ; 
 
 Submits with modesty the case before him. 
 
 For the decision of the learned Forum. 
 
 } 
 

 SCENE— r/«e Eccentric Hall. 
 
 Char. Gen. NOW, gentlemen, all this is vastly fine, 
 To waste so much of our precious time 
 With rhapsodies and rhymes, so out of metre, 
 I could have made much better, by St. Peter ! 
 Call him a Poet ? I would not give a curse 
 
 For such vile humdrum stuff, as my name's P se : 
 
 He's only a Grub Street bard, I know well. 
 Whose trash is bawl'd around fam'd Clerkenwell: 
 But I shall bring a charge before I've done, — 
 That will, I'm sure, produce some charming fun, — 
 Against this base polluter of the Muses, 
 Whose spotless fame he so much abuses ; 
 And as I'm Charger General in this court, 
 I'll call a chair instanter, and begin the sport. 
 So, gentlemen, attend I pray. •./. 
 
 I propose learn'd Burke to that high station, — 
 A wiser man there is not in the nation, — 
 
28 
 
 Declare, I beg, without delay. 
 
 Whether my request your sufferance meet. 
 
 Eccs. All, all, all. Mr. President, take your seat. 
 
 Pres. Pray, sir, for what purpose have you call'd me 
 here? 
 
 Char. Gen. To prefer a charge of murder! 
 
 Eccs. (Hear, hear, hear !) 
 
 Cha}\ Gen. And which has caus'd our wanderings 
 up and down. 
 From Dan unto Beersheba, through the town. 
 And from my pocket drew out many a crown. 
 
 P7'es. Bless me ! this is a serious charge indeed ! 
 Gentlemen, is it your pleasure we try the cause ? 
 
 (Tremendous uproar follow'd the solemn pause. 
 And all cried out — Proceed, proceed !) 
 
 Pres. Now, sir, go on ; but strictly adhere to truth. 
 For swearing will not do without some proof: 
 
 Presumptive evidence is but a plea, 
 
 When life's at stake, facts only will do for me. 
 So now to your charge : — Who is the culprit, say ? 
 
 Char. Gen. I charge this waggish Poet of the day. 
 
 Pres. Ha ! I know him well — W^hat has he done ? 
 
 Char. Gen. Drown 'd poor Hammond in a cask of rum. 
 
 Pres. Indeed ! indeed ! Don't you think 'twas wine. 
 And made a Clarence of him — out of time ? 
 
 Char. Gen. It maybe so ; it's one and the same degree; 
 It shew'd he didn't possess humanity j — 
 
} 
 
 29 
 
 Besides all this, he took our laws away. 
 And ever since we all have gone astray. 
 
 Pres. Pray have you witnesses to prove your case ? 
 
 Chai'. Gen. I have, sir ; most respectable. 
 And very intelligible. — ■ 
 Somnus ! Soninus ! stand up and shew your face. 
 
 Pres. That he knows nought about it, is very true. 
 The man has been asleep an hour or two. 
 And to rouse him now will never do. 
 
 Char. Gen. Well, well, sir ; I have more than one 
 string to my bow. — 
 Sir John, come forward, and tell us what you know 
 Of this dark mystery. 
 And all the history. 
 
 (Here a loud laugh took place, and merry jeer. 
 Because they thought he look'd a little queer ; 
 For it was whisper'd round — he had, by law, 
 Been deem'd, or made, what Eccentrics call an outlaw.) 
 Serg. Bayly. Sir, I object to him; he's not a proper 
 man. 
 
 Char. Gen. What, sir, what! — Prove it, if you can? 
 
 SerE- B. I both will and can ! — This is a foul confede- 
 racy 
 Against my worthy friend ; — a complete conspiracy 
 To overthrow his fair reputation. 
 That has gain'd the Ex's admiration. 
 
30 
 
 Pres. Well, sir, hear him out, and then reply : 
 To interrupt him is not gentlemanly. 
 
 Char. Gen. May I proceed, sir, to prove my case — 
 Without further interruption taking place ? 
 
 Pres. Sir, you are under my protection here ; 
 I'll punish the next that dares to interfere : 
 So, sir, proceed with your examination. 
 
 Char. Gen. The books, you know, of all the laws were 
 stole. 
 And carried to the Shakespear in a shoal. 
 
 Pres. That certainly requires an explanation. 
 
 Sir John. It's very true, I swear by my salvation. 
 From thence were smuggled coast ways to the Strand, 
 To Vulcan's Cave, by a desperate band 
 Of renegades — from their native land. 
 Who threw them plump into a maiden's lap. 
 Where they took a comfortable nap, 
 And now, I believe, are mash'd up into pap. 
 
 Char. Gen. Good, very good ; thus far we've got on 
 gaily. 
 And silenc'd the red 7'ag of Sergeant Bayly. 
 
 Pres. Well, sir? — Proceed — of Hammond — re- 
 specting him — 
 
 Sir John. He was immers'd, sir, in a cag of gin — 
 Upon my Eccentric honor I — by one Weguelin. 
 And man and laws, I believe are now as dead 
 
 } 
 
31 
 
 As tlio' they never had been animated : 
 
 And what is more, I swear by beauty's bow'r. 
 
 They've not been seen or heard of to this hour. 
 
 Pres. That's very strange; the man cou'dn't melt 
 away. 
 As spirit keeps a subject from decay ; 
 As to the laws, we are guided by their presence — 
 Char. Gen. But that's their eccentric spirit, — not 
 
 their essence. 
 Pres. Well, sir, have you any more evidence to 
 
 advance ? 
 Char. Gen. I had, sir, but my witness is in a trance. 
 But I have proved, beyond a doubt, my case. 
 And trust, Sir John may now take his place. 
 As conviction must ensue, and execution follow. 
 And then I shall rid off this sad fellow. 
 
 Pres. Gentlemen, is it your pleasure to ask this wit- 
 ness 
 Any thing relative to the facts of fitness ? 
 
 Serg.B. Yes, sir; I have, as Counsel for the De- 
 fendant ; 
 Touching this charge that now is pendent; 
 So stop. Sir John, I have a question or two. 
 Before you go, to put to you. 
 You are as capital a witness as e'er I knew. 
 Now, sir, remember, be nothing loath ; — 
 Upon your Eccentric oath — 
 
 } 
 
32 
 
 Was it wine, or rum, or gin. 
 
 He suffocated this poor creature in ? 
 
 Sir John. Mr. President, that question's out of joint 
 
 — its a — botheration. 
 Sei'g. B. Come, come, sir, to the point ; — 
 No prevarication ! — 
 
 Pres. You certainly can demand an explanation. 
 Sir John. Dear sir! you've put me in a flusteration. 
 Serg. B. Come, come, sir; no shuffling, — my ques- 
 tion answer true : 
 I think you're neither Christian, Turk, nor Jew ! 
 Or you wou'd have been explicit long ago. 
 
 Sir John. Well then, upon my honor, I've told you 
 all I know; 
 
 But P se can tell you more of it, I trow. 
 
 Serg. B. I thought so all the time, — but now the 
 murder's out. 
 The Charger General has made so great a rout ; 
 You see he has made a cat's paw of this lout. 
 Come, sir, confess every thing before you go ; 
 Be brief, I beg, and let's have all you know ; 
 Hide nothing from the Court — perhaps you'll be for- 
 given 
 And be received by us as well as Heaven. 
 
 Sir John. I really have told you all, I sv.ear by Ma- 
 homet's beard. 
 
} 
 
 33 
 
 That bears upon the question you have heard. 
 Except what roguish tricks I did myself, — 
 To encrease my fame — as misers do their pelf: 
 But now I bid adieu to all my wicked bent. 
 And turn from prodigal to a true penitent, 
 
 Serg.B. That's quite sufficient : Ihaveprov'daflaw 
 In the indictment, brought by this Jack Daw, 
 That on an innocent man he may lay his claw. 
 On this I rest my client's defence at large. 
 As no evidence has prov'd so foul a charge. 
 As to the story about the laws and books, — 
 Lays with themselves, — you can read it in their looks : 
 For I have received such authentic information. 
 Brought by the Swiftsure, to our good old nation. 
 That the man's alive and well, beyond disputation ! 
 
 Pres. Now, sir, I call on you for your defence. 
 And trust you'll with ease dispel a cloud so dense. 
 That hangs suspended o'er your devoted head. 
 Before its thunders burst and strike you dead. 
 So now I commend you to the care of Him 
 Who rules the thoughts and actions of all men. 
 
 Pail. Mr. President, and Gentlemen, 
 Have patience and I'll do the best I can ; 
 And leave the result to you — 
 As a Jury just and true — 
 Who will decide I'm sure impartially. 
 As from your office you receive no fee. 
 
 c 
 
 } 
 
34 
 
 Gentlemen, I'm innocent! and treat this charge with 
 
 scorn. 
 Innocent, did I say? Yes, as the child unborn. 
 I know the secret workings of the plot. 
 And workmen too, — the head of whom's a Scot — 
 Who styles himself a Poet ; (poor driveller)— 
 I would not stake my wit with such a scribbler. 
 The scraps that bear his name are done by proxy. 
 Not by the Muses, but a hackney'd Doxy, 
 Which he sometimes exhibits to the town. 
 Lest his high fame should suffer in renown. 
 As for Pegasus he never mounts at all. 
 Lest he should give him such a kick or fall — 
 Would dash his sapless brains against a wall. 
 And thus knock out the remaining few that's left. 
 To the world's laughter, at his sad bereft: 
 For, gentlemen, 'tis evident to see 
 He wants his place again, and turn out me ; 
 And that's the reason why he has raised this story. 
 To tarnish my laurel crown — my greatest gloiy — 
 But your good sense will teach this would-be rhymer 
 Never to set up more for a Jefiner 
 Of men and manners, in a christian land. 
 As long as this enlightened world shall stand. 
 And thus I leave my cause within your hands ; 
 Trusting that your decision will this night prove 
 How much you honor virtue, and true justice love. 
 
35 
 
 Pres. Gentlemen, there do appear to me 
 Not mere assertions only, but malignity, 
 That has been brought against this worthy man, 
 To remove him from our friendship, if they can. 
 The defence, I think, is manly, plain and clear; 
 And very happy shall I be to hear 
 Any gentleman, that candidly will state 
 His unbiass'd sentiments on the prisoner's fate ; 
 Trusting at the same time he'll keep in view 
 The Eccentric honor that to himself is due. 
 
 Char. Gen. Mr. President, my witness begins to wake- 
 
 Pres. Sir, his evidence is come too late. 
 
 Sommis. Where am I ? Ye powers of darkness tell. 
 And do not torment me longer with your spell ! 
 
 Pres. It's no consequence — sleep on and take 3-ourrest; 
 We'll not put your torpid conscience to the test, 
 
 Bish. Bon. Sir, the Panel's a public pest, and deserves 
 no pity, 
 In issuing to the world his impious ditty : 
 I could have forgiven him, if he hadn't wrote 
 A firebrand against our immaculate Pope, 
 And which most certainly was no joke. 
 The whole blasphemy is known to the holy See, 
 And if he's not burnt now, he will at the Auto da Fe. 
 
 Arch. Changeable. Brother Bonner, I think you are 
 rather hard 
 Against this poor persecuted bard : 
 
36 
 
 Let's have Christian feeUng in us pray. 
 
 And let him live to see a better day. 
 
 Which possibly may dawn on him ere longj 
 
 For really, to speak my mind, we both are wrong. 
 
 Bish. Bon. Oh, oh ! I see how it is, — you're turn'd 
 Heretic, 
 And favor this Reformer in his trick. 
 Thou vile abominable hypocrite ! 
 But you shall soon excommunicated be ; 
 I'll purge the world of infidels, and set her free. 
 
 Dr. Bolus. If I were sure he'd play'd so foul a part, 
 I'd physic him to death with all my heart : 
 A bouncing dose of calomel or jalap 
 Would soon work up his bowels to a gallop j 
 But as I cannot bring my mind to that, 
 I must be merciful to him — that's flat. 
 
 Enter Jonathan Marvellous. 
 
 Jon. Mar. Have you heard the news ? — it's now the 
 
 town all o'er — 
 As I came through the Strand, there was such a roar : 
 You know the Crown Office, which us'd to be filled with 
 
 castors, 
 Of all sizes, shapes, and prices, for the by passers, . 
 Is now clear 'd out, and large placards cover 
 The window from one end unto the other; 
 
37 
 
 But what it is about I could not trace, — 
 
 The crowd's so dense, I couldn't get near the place ; 
 
 And their tongues were making such a clatter. 
 
 That few, if any, knew what was the matter : 
 
 But this I pick'd up from a knowing hand — 
 
 That a man whom they said was drown'd, was hang'd : 
 
 I think they call'd him— Ham— or Hammond. 
 
 Pres. Sir, I thank you heartily for this information : 
 It's the cause we are trying now : the accusation 
 Is against one Weguelin, — for murder and spoliation. 
 
 Joii. Mar. Ha ! his father was a Jew ; — I knew his '\ 
 dam ; — f 
 
 She sold pork sausages at Amsterdam, ( 
 
 And thetefore depend on't 'tis no flam. j 
 
 Enter Solomon Mace. 
 
 Pres. Well, Mace ; you had a tolerable crowd to-day 
 
 Around your house. — How came you through them pray ? 
 
 Mace. Crowd ! — I know not what you mean — I saw 
 
 none. 
 Jon. Mar. Come, come, that will not do — you know 
 that's hum ; — 
 You know that's fudge. What does the placard say ? 
 Mace. Placard ! I know of none — 
 Jon. Mar. What, not to-day? 
 
38 
 
 That in your window hung — instead of castors'? 
 
 Mace. If there was any, may I be flammigastred I 
 Jon. Mar. What ! not a bill of news ? — come, come, 
 you know — 
 
 Mace, If I do, shoot me for a carrion crow. 
 But stop a moment — let me recollect — 
 That I may not hav^e reason to reflect 
 Upon myself. 1 think — I have some doubt • 
 
 Pres. Come, come, sir, think no longer — let's have it 
 out. 
 
 Mace. Oh, yes, there is, it's true — if so you call — it's 
 Of Lodgings to be let to houseless varlets ; 
 But nothing else, I swear by Royal felt : 
 So you have pump'd it out at last, by stealt'. 
 Now^ Mr. President, I hope that's quite enough. 
 And that I meet no lonoer with rebuff. 
 
 M. in P. A great deal has been said by v/ay of rhyme? 
 All which I trust will turn out superfine. 
 Because I like every thing that is sublime. 
 
 Pres. Well, gentlemen, have you any more to say 
 On the " March of Intellect," before it march away ? 
 
 H. Cham. Yes, sir; I'm full of indignation ! — makes 
 me rise — 
 The fume of which I think will reach the skies: 
 To hear such vipers spout forth their venom'd fire 
 On one who, like myself, stands so much higher; 
 
 } 
 
39 
 
 Not only in stature, but in rank I mean ; 
 
 Whilst they are pigmys, and rank enough I ween 
 
 In soul, in character, in talent also— 
 
 As black's to white — as I'll soon plainly show. 
 
 Without going through the black catalogue of charge 
 
 That has been laid against this man, at large, 
 
 Of which I'm confident he is as clear 
 
 As I am living now and standing here. 
 
 Sir, of all the tales I ever heard. 
 
 There never was one truly so absurd. 
 
 I challenge the whole of them that's been on oath. 
 
 That not a word they've utter'd has been the truth 5 
 
 I've witnesses to prove this, by and by. 
 
 Will make them grin and hang their tails awry. 
 
 Like filthy swine, grunting in a stye ; 
 
 Whilst the Charger General has produced but one. 
 
 Unless himself he counts, which in law is none. 
 
 A vast deal hearsay-evidence has been advanc'd. 
 Amounting to what? — To nothing in the balance. 
 I say, and swear, the man's alive and well ! 
 As my witness, when he comes, can tell. 
 And will produce him without magic spell. 
 But I'll no longer keep you much in doubt. 
 For here he comes — a Giant, strong and stout — 
 To defeat their wily purpose out and out. 
 
 } 
 
40 
 
 Enter Commodore Swiftsure;. 
 
 Well, Commodore, I'm very glad you're come, 
 I hope you've had a tolerable run. 
 
 Co7?i. S. Aye, faith, I have ; were it not for the Al- 
 
 gierines 
 Alias pickpockets, with which the streets now teem, 
 I should here have been a wonderful time ago, 
 As I promis'd, — but I must let you know 
 First how it happen'd, detaining me so long. 
 And this is truly the burden of the song : — 
 These pirates suddenly upon me pounc'd, before 
 I was aware, and took by force my store 
 Of dollars — chronometer — and, what was worse. 
 My compass too, by which I steer'd my course ; 
 So I was compell'd to chase a zig-zag sort of way 
 Amongst St. Giles's rocks, where the filthy spray 
 Did almost water-log me ; but at last 
 I caught the enemy, tho' scudding fast. 
 And clapt him in the bilboes, where he lies 
 To take his trial at the next assize. 
 
 Pres. Well, sir, you have run great hazard, undoubt- 
 edly. 
 Of life as well as robbery, most certainly ; 
 But what has that to do in the case before us ? 
 Do you know any thing of Hammond, the Liquorist ? 
 
41 
 
 Com. S. Know him ! — Yes; by George, I can't mistake 
 So many times he's cook'd me a beef-steak. 
 
 Pres. 'Tis said he's drown'd, and business at a stand. 
 
 Co7Ji. S. If he's either — then may I be d 'd ! 
 
 I saw him, I declare, as I came in. 
 
 Serving out blue ruin, vulgo gin ; 
 
 And making bowls of whiskey-punch, I swear — 
 
 All which I understood was coming here : 
 
 But if you doubt the truth of what I tell, 
 
 I'll soon the mystery solve. — Waiter, ring the bell. 
 
 (Enter Hammond.) 
 
 When lo ! to the astonish'd Ex's, Hammond again ap- 
 pears ! 
 The Ghost of Hamlet could not cause greater fears — 
 Some said 'twas a spirit — others, 'twas the man ; — 
 But he himself cried out — 
 
 Ham. Indeed I am ! 
 
 Come hither — examine — I'm solid flesh and blood 
 As any in this room, and quite as good. 
 
 At length, being satisfied, and the confusion o'er, 
 Which long had been one scene of great uproar ; 
 And the Chairman taking courage — without swords — ■ 
 Put forth a pithy question in these words : — 
 
} 
 
 42 
 
 Pres. Now, Mr. Hammond, I hope before you go — 
 If 'tis not too inquisitive — you'll let me know 
 Whether you were ever drown'd, orhang'd, at any time? 
 
 Ham. Never myself, sir; but a relation was, of mine : 
 It's now some centuries since, — no doubt you've heard 
 
 the story, — 
 When that vile wretch. Queen Esther, reign'd in 
 
 Vashti's glory, — 
 The cursed Jews did hang him up so high, — 
 I think 'twere fifty cubits, — or very nigh, — 
 And all through a rascally Mordecai. 
 
 Pres. Ha! I see how it is: the enigma is explain'd. 
 
 And the ends of Justice are at length attain'd. • 
 
 Sir, I thank you for this explanation. 
 
 And require no further attestation. 
 
 So you may now withdraw to your occupation. 
 
 Gentlemen, as the evidence is all o-one throuah, 
 
 I'll simply take a cursory view 
 
 In summing up this flimsy charge to you, — ) 
 
 Of which there has been a systematic plan — ^ 
 
 Diabolical in the extreme — too deep to scan — \ 
 
 To destroy both life and character of a good man. ) 
 
 Indeed, gentlemen, language falls short to explain to you 
 
 The villany and perjury of this vile crew. 
 
 Really my indignation is so great. 
 
 It makes me jump almost out of my seat : 
 
43 
 
 I'll therefore strip the mask from off the face. 
 That the true lineaments you may easy trace ; 
 And shew to you, like a magic looking-glass. 
 The various artifices that have pass'd — 
 Of this dark lurking plot — got up to answer 
 Some sinister purpose of their own, hereafter .- 
 
 Now, as to murder — the man has been before us. 
 And prov'd, beyond a doubt, to our sight notorious' 
 That he's the subject matter in the charge. 
 Of which the Charger General talk'd so large. 
 And boasted what he'd do — to intimidate with fear — 
 But, like a vanquish 'd knight, now drops his spear. 
 
 Gentlemen, the other allegations are a tissue of the same j 
 You know the Eccentric Books every one, by name. 
 Are now within our desk. — Waiter, bring the key. 
 
 And open it before ns, — come, let me see : 
 
 Aye, here they are indeed — most certainly. 
 Gentlemen, are you satisfied ? — 
 
 Eccs. All, all, undoubtedly I 
 
 Pres. Then there's a death-blow to this weighty cause 
 Of murder, and destruction of our laws ; 
 I therefore shall proceed to put the question — 
 Of which I think there can be no objection. 
 
 -Eccs. There is ! there is ! — we declare our Bard in- 
 nocent ; 
 And on that head are perfectly content. 
 
 Pres. Gentlemen, you've met my ideas — I assent. 
 
44 
 
 Sir, I congratulate you heartily; and, by every one ad- 
 mitted. 
 You go from this bar most honorably acquitted. 
 But, gentlemen, ere I quit this exalted seat, -v 
 
 I've an important duty still that on me wait, ^• 
 
 To pronounce a further judgment of the Senate : ; 
 
 It is respecting our Charger General — 
 Who really, to speak my mind, meant no ill : 
 You know his humour is sometimes very rum. 
 And no doubt brought this charge by way of fun. 
 We should not surely punish him severely — 
 If we do at all — as it strikes me clearly 
 He's sorry for what has past, and will apologize 
 To us and to the accus'd — he has so scandaliz'd ; 
 I therefore hope that he will be acquitted, 
 Tho' malice prepense appears to have been committed. 
 Because I think he stands complete outwitted ; 
 As all he has said or done this blessed night. 
 Shews plainly his poor brain has taken flight. 
 So let's take pity on him, in good part. 
 And not chastise him — lest we break his heart. 
 So, gentlemen, is the charge frivolous and vexatious ? say. 
 Eccentrics, one and all — 
 
 Eccs. ■ '^^y> ^^J} i^ay I — 
 
 Pres. Now, Mr. Charger General, take my advice, ") 
 And scorn not the admonition — tho' concise — V 
 
 In all your future charges be more nice : -/ 
 
45 
 
 Reflecting, — were you in such a situation, 
 What would be your feelings on the occasion ?— « 
 But I shall say no more, but wait reply. 
 Which every one expects you'll not deny. 
 Considering you've experienced such lenity. — 
 But hark ! the prompter's bell calls me away, — 
 So to all good night — as I must obey — 
 Until we meet again another day. 
 
 (Exit. President.) 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 WELL, gentlemen, as the curtain dropt, I stole away 
 
 To solicit your opinion of our play. 
 
 I did my best, I believe you'll all allow. 
 
 But I was foil'd, — permit me, I'll tell you how : — 
 
 My charge was good, as good as charge could be, -<^ 
 
 But somehow I committed Felo cle se \ 
 
 Which was not intended, upon my honor, by me. j 
 
 But such is the glorious uncertainty of the law. 
 
 We too oft lose the substance and catch at a straw. 
 
 That Poet will certainly be my death, in truth. 
 
 Since he has taken up my trade forsooth; 
 
 But he will find his match when next I meet him 
 
 Upon the stage of life, for popularity's fleeting. 
 
 My poetic and legal knowledge is so superior. 
 
 That I am sure, in time, to eclipse that meteor ; 
 
 And should have done it now, hadn't been by chance, 
 
 My principal witness was in a trance. 
 
 As for the other — a whining knave I call him — 
 
 Threw me completely on my back a sprawling ; 
 
47 
 
 But I shall rally by and by again. 
 
 When I'll go at it, tooth and nail, amain. 
 
 I am not daunted by this shght rebuff'. 
 
 And trust another time he'll have enough ; 
 
 I mean his belly-full, or Old Nick take me. 
 
 And then you'll see how he'll cry out peccavi. 
 
 In the mean time, should you want assistance, 
 
 A retaining fee will never meet resistance : 
 
 Allow me to give a card, if one is in my pocket. 
 
 That you may not mistake, and go to neighbour Locket. 
 
 By the by, I'm going to move, and 'tis necessary to tell 
 
 Lest you should lose your labor — going to slender Billy ; 
 
 So you'll find my new residence 
 
 A few doors from the Regent's Jaw, 
 
 Where business, as usual, 's carried on 
 
 In all branches of the law : — 
 
 But, before I take my leave, I beg to apologize. 
 
 As in the heat of pleading words sometimes will arise 
 
 That may engender wrath : if so, I'm extremely sorry. 
 
 For it would wound my heart, and drive me melancholy. 
 
 Were I to be the cause of such unpleasant feeling 
 
 Amongst my best of friends, by whom I get my living ; 
 
 But trust, as I hope for patronage, that is not the case. 
 
 And that I may hereafter with pleasure shew my face — 
 
 As nothing shall be wanting on my part to serve you all, 
 
48 
 
 Whenever my attendance is required in the Eccentric 
 
 Hall.— 
 As such I now retire, with respectful ceremony. 
 To return to my sweet Home —to love and harmony — 
 For tho' in search of pleasure, man continual roam, 
 Of all the pleasures in the world there's " nothing like 
 
 Home." 
 
THE LAUREATES FAREWELL. 
 
 TO THE RENOWNED SOCIETY 
 OF ECCENTRIC NOTORIETY. 
 
 Gentlemen, 
 IN addressing these few lines to you, 
 Your Laureat takes his last adieu ; 
 That when on them you cast an eye, 
 'Twill keep alive Eccentricity. 
 You'll then remember the poor bard, 
 And think his fate was rather hard. 
 Tho' honored by that lofty name. 
 Which emenated from your fane. 
 He now must trudge an humble life, 
 And mix again with noise and strife. 
 No longer can he mount aloft, 
 Tho' many have been the time and oft 
 He soar'd so high for recreation, — 
 He seem'd a spot in the creation. 
 Olympus own'd his powerful sway. 
 And all the Gods did homage pay : 
 
50 
 
 So much he had them in subjection, 
 
 There was not one that could eject him! — 
 
 He made them dance, or sing, or play. 
 
 As pleasure prompt, when he was gay : 
 
 Or to his satiric, sprightly wit, 
 
 He wore the cap that it did fit ; 
 
 Even Jupiter, their sovereign prince, 
 
 Bow'd to superior excellence — 
 
 And paid his court, his grace to win, 
 
 As much as his subjects paid to him. 
 
 Some thought he'd not come down again. 
 
 To ever tread the terrestrial plain ; 
 
 But what the world's ideas surpass'd — 
 
 To him was quite an easy task ; 
 
 He dash'd the clouds about, like spray. 
 
 And open'd to himself a way ! 
 
 For to descend with perfect ease. 
 
 When whim prevail'd, just as he please. 
 
 Through thick and thin he steer 'd his course ; 
 
 And sat so well upon his horse. 
 
 They could not oust him from the saddle — 
 
 Tho' ofttiraes tried at by the rabble — 
 
 So that he thought himself secure 
 
 'Gainst every artful rogue or boor. 
 
 But what could not by might be gain'd. 
 
 Was soon by subtil fraud obtain 'd : — 
 
51 
 
 A half-starved Friar, hit on a plan 
 
 To steal his steed— poor foolish man !— 
 
 His fam'd Pegasus, for whom his love 
 
 Exceeded Venus's for her Doves ; 
 
 Who was ne'er known from him to stray, 
 
 Or loiter on the Parnassian way ; 
 
 But always obedient to his mind. 
 
 Gentle, dutiful, and kind. 
 
 He was his companion from his youth. 
 
 If e'er in fault, he own'd the truth ; 
 
 Tho' it might cast on him a blame. 
 
 It left no stain unto his shame. 
 
 But, as the wise adage relate. 
 
 We shut the door when 'tis too late : 
 
 Could we but see so much before hand. 
 
 Should be the wisest in the land ; 
 
 But nine times in ten it is the case. 
 
 It's found out after it's taken place. 
 
 Now the facts are these, I do aver. 
 
 Without using more metaphor : — 
 
 The poor animal had just come in 
 
 From off a journey it had been. 
 
 Rode by his master, Weguelin ; 
 
 To bring some tidings, of great import, 
 
 To the Eccentrics' royal court ; 
 
 } 
 
52 
 
 Who all were met by proclamation. 
 
 Expecting surprising information 
 
 From some foreign land or nation : 
 
 That Pegasus had discover'd golden mines. 
 
 In Olympus, or the huge Alpines — 
 
 V^ery much wanted at that time — 
 
 To renovate their exhausted ches€. 
 
 That w-as now become a jest. 
 
 So he was graciously receiv'd. 
 
 And order'd for to have a feed ; 
 
 Whilst his lord took a little ale. 
 
 To give him strength to tell his tale. 
 
 Conceiving him safe, as the Ex's muse, 
 
 And that he'd never be abus'd 
 
 By any Christian, to his hurt. 
 
 But what's to be said of Jew or Turk ? 
 
 I beg, by way of interlude. 
 
 To use a httle similitude ; 
 
 For trope is necessary sometime. 
 
 To make it fit, as well as rhyme ; 
 
 So, without any more ado, 
 
 I'll now relate the facts to you. — 
 
 Just at this crisis, this hungry hound 
 
 Smelt out Pegasus was come down. 
 
 And, gnashing his pale lantern-jaws. 
 
 With joy — to get him in his claws ; — ■ 
 
 } 
 
 I 
 
53 
 
 Not to let slip the precious moment. 
 Unless he met with some opponent. 
 Thus flush 'd with success, in ecstacy, 
 Breath'd forth this sweet sohloquy : — 
 Said he, " If I have any brains, 
 As sure as my name's 
 
 I'll pounce upon, ride off the jade ; 
 
 By that exploit, my fortune's made. 
 
 The budget with which he is well stor'd, 
 
 Will be to me a miser's hoard." 
 
 Now Pegasus, he had got no wealth. 
 
 But what was innate in himself; 
 
 And ride him he could'nt was known well ;- 
 
 The Caitiff stole him for to sell ; 
 
 Faith, sure enough he put in action 
 
 The very scheme he had been hatching ; 
 
 With wily craft he laid his plans. 
 
 And soon accomplished his ends. 
 
 I'll give his character here some touches. 
 
 Lest you should fall into his clutches ; 
 
 Which if you did, depend upon it. 
 
 No good would ever sure come of it : — 
 
 This sly Fox differs from another. 
 
 For one paw's shorter than the other. 
 
 With which he snatches up his prey 
 
 Whene'er he finds it in his way ; 
 
54 
 
 A perfect glutton of his kind. 
 
 Devours all that he can find ; 
 
 He's sometimes 'guised in a cowl. 
 
 And bays the moon with hideous howl ; 
 
 'Tis then his appetite's most keen. 
 
 As from the sequel will be seen. 
 
 The benighted traveller seeks in vain 
 
 A friendly cot on Afric's plain ; 
 
 With horror hears the lion roar. 
 
 Who prowls the desert round for gore ; 
 
 Sinks down with terror and dismay. 
 
 Expecting death before the day; 
 
 But when at an inn, and treated kind. 
 
 And shelter'd fiom the north-east wind. 
 
 Fear and despair never haunt his mind. j 
 
 'Twas thus Pegasus dreamt no harm. 
 
 As he was comfortable and warm. 
 
 And therefore it gave him no concern. 
 
 Poor silly fool, so easy caught, 
 
 Reason and experience ought have taught 
 
 Him where to place his confidence, 
 
 Fam'd as he was for wit and sense : 
 
 But shew of friendship too oft retard. 
 
 And throws a man from off his guard. 
 
 When he should be most vigilant 
 
 To watch pretended friends' intent ; 
 
 I 
 
oo 
 
 For so it was by a surprise 
 He took him ofF in a disguise. 
 And sold him for a monstrous price 
 To his musty Convent, a very hell, 
 On Garlic Hill's the stinking cell 
 Of infidels, worse than Old Nick ; 
 'Twould make his Holiness quite sick. 
 Were he to see their Pandemonium, 
 He'd excommunicate the whole of them : 
 Their blasphemous songs and drunken revels. 
 Rank them beneath the swinish level ;— 
 An unprincipled set of knaves. 
 Would set the universe in a blaze 
 Were they able ;— but, thank God, 
 George keeps them down with an iron rod : 
 So they may storm, and growl, and swear- 
 Bite, they cannot, I declare. 
 But to return to my sad story. 
 Which extinguishes all my glory,— 
 Pegasus now is broken down, 
 And, as a draught-horse 'bout the town, 
 I do not think he's worth a crown : 
 For whilst the poor devil's any breath, 
 They'll goad him on unto his death ; 
 And, what Fm most afraid, he'll be 
 So hackney'd, he'll no longer flee ; 
 
 s 
 
56 
 
 For so merciless are his masters, 
 They care not a straw for him hereafter : 
 No matter if doos'-meat betide him, 
 If they can make a penny by him ; 
 So to the knackers he must come. 
 Where mercy's never shewn to none ; 
 And that I know must be his doom. 
 There see him stretched upon the ground. 
 Looking composedly around ; 
 Though writhing with a broken heart. 
 That he and the Ex's now must part. 
 " Farewell ! farewell, my friends ! he cries," 
 Whilst the tears' streaming from his eyes ; 
 Then heav'd a sigh — a heavy groan — 
 Life's now extinct — his race is run 
 Beyond recall — the muse is gone ! 
 
 s 
 
 Walton & Mitchell, Printers, 24, Wardour Street. 
 
AN OLYMPIC ROMANCE, 
 
 ENTITLED THE 
 
 WFIIM OF THE BRAIN; 
 
 OR, 
 
 'Eijt dForce of Emaemation^ 
 
 A SATIRE ON THE WORLD, 
 
 TO LASH THE VICE AND FOLLY OF THE AGE; 
 
 REPRESENTED BY EMBLEMATICAL CHARACTERS FROM 
 
 HEATHEN MYTHOLOGY. 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE WEGUELIN, Gent. 
 
 Satire's a pruning knife, so sharp and keen, 
 
 So fine its edge — it seldom should be seen, 
 
 Unless in language giving no offence 
 
 To learned men, or men of common sense : 
 
 In trope, similitude, or metaphor, 
 
 To make it palatable to the ear — 
 
 For, otherwise, it loses its effect — 
 
 Defeats the purpose meant it should correct. 
 
 Its object is to cut and clear away 
 
 The baneful weeds of vice in folly's day ; 
 
 But yet with cautious hand, lest we destroy 
 
 The shoots of virtue, rising into joy. 
 
 ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED BY WALTON AND MITCHELi 
 WARDOUR STREET, SOHO. 
 
 MDCCCXXX. 
 
EXORDIUM. 
 
 Having been induced, from motives which particu- 
 larly concerned my own personal honor, to publish, 
 last year, a small volume of poems, entitled "The 
 Eccentric," the flattering manner in which they 
 were received, not only by my brother Eccentrics, 
 but also by private Gentlemen, has prompted and em- 
 boldened me again to offer my humble Muse to public 
 notice ; trusting, at the same time, it will meet with a 
 favourable reception ; and that critics will not be too 
 severe, but take the will for the deed ; as the sole object 
 is more to oblige and please my most dear and intimate 
 friends, who have been very solicitous for its publica- 
 tion, than to gratify any vanity on my part, or pecu- 
 niary consideration derived therefrom. 
 
 I have the honor to subscribe myself. 
 With great diflSdence and respect, 
 
 Your most obedient Servant, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 Grafton Street, 
 Fitzroij Sqttare. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Imagination — to the mind 
 
 Is as tempestuous waves, or boist'rous wind ; 
 
 Raging mountains high, or dashing to and fro, 
 
 Replete with joy, or overwhelm'd with woe ; — 
 
 To distant climes, an instant can convey 
 
 Your frantic fancy, clear as the noon-day : 
 
 Or to the sense portray, what's most profound. 
 
 Where ghastly spectres stalk their nightly round ; 
 
 Or Gods, who in their revels dance and sing 
 
 Like mad or drunk, or birds of early spring. 
 
 To prove this bold assertion, I declare 
 
 My brain is wandering now, I know not where. 
 
IMAGINATION. 
 
 /^NE fine serene summer's evening, as the sun was 
 ^^ fast approaching the horizon, and the heavens 
 were beautifully illumined with a vermillion radiance, 
 inviting man, for the benefit of health and relaxation, 
 to quit the busy scenes of life for a while, and partake 
 of the tranquillity and fragrance of the field. Being 
 then at my country seat, inclination led me to take a 
 solitary walk in my park ; but whether to my grot, 
 situate in a romantic labyrinth of evergreens, or other- 
 wise to my sylvan temple, commanding from its emi- 
 nence a delightful prospect of the surrounding country, 
 I was undetermined ; both being equally agreeable and 
 desirable, as a solace either to a recluse for study, or a 
 man of pleasure to relax. At length the latter predo- 
 minated, and as I passed along over the velvet lawn to 
 the grateful bowery shade of lofty elms, the songsters 
 of the grove were rivalling each other in sweet notes of 
 gratitude to their divine Benefactor and Protector, 
 whilst the soft refreshing zephyrs played around my 
 head, — waving in gentle motion the tender spray, and 
 gave to the enamelled carpet of the mead the acme of 
 perfection and salubrity. Bless me, said I, 
 
 What a lovely paradise is this, 
 To live on earth as tho' in bliss ! 
 
8 
 
 Meditating on the beauties of nature — the wonder- 
 ful works of the Great Creator — who, by his mighty 
 power, at his word, formed this grand stupendous 
 fabric from out of chaos, for the benefit and pleasure of 
 his too disobedient and discontented creature — man; 
 who pays so little reverence and respect to his infinite 
 wisdom and goodness ; and who, so far from being dis- 
 satisfied and repining at his lot — placed as he is in a 
 garden of abundance and felicity — ought to be most 
 particularly thankful and happy, and extol and revere 
 his Holy Name, for the innumerable blessings which he 
 showers down from his celestial throne, in due season, 
 for the relief and support of the universal globe. 
 
 These and other reflections threw me into a contem- 
 plative mood, and being arrived at my charming bovver, 
 which Flora had bedecked with her choicest favours, I 
 sat down to enjoy the delightful landscape before me; 
 when I became so enamoured with my rural incognitam, 
 that I was almost determined in my mind to pass the 
 remainder of my days in solitude. Where in a retreat 
 so agreeable — 
 
 The man retired from worldly cares 
 Has nothing to alarm his fears. 
 
 But, gracious powers, how transient are the joys and 
 pleasures of this life ! And how frequently the expec- 
 tations and senses of man take flight from those objects 
 that lull and captivate the heart into a state of enthu- 
 siastic ecstacy of delight, to others as diametrically op- 
 posite as light is to darkness, or as the gay and bustling 
 metropolis is to the most wild and uninhabited part of 
 the universe. 
 
 Such indeed was the illusion that took possession of 
 
9 
 
 my mental faculties; for, in an instant, as if by magic, 
 my terrestrial pleasures were hurried away by an impe- 
 tuous impulse of fancy, on the wings of Pegasus, from 
 ray peaceful bower to the renowned Mount of Olympus ; 
 where, methought, tired with my journey, I fell into a 
 profound sleep. But my roving spirit did not long re- 
 main in a state of torpor ; for my mind's eye, ever active, 
 was immediately opened to scenes more brilliant and 
 enchanting than had ever been witnessed by my natural 
 ones. A new world now presented itself to my view, of 
 the most splendid and magnificent description ; in the 
 centre of which stood, pre-eminently majestic, the king- 
 dom of mighty Jove. Gods and Goddesses were pro- 
 menading in groves of golden fruits, and gardens of de- 
 lightful flowers. Other Deities were hurrying to and 
 fro as though on missions of importance. Nymphs 
 were bathing and sporting their angelic shapes in foun- 
 tains of pure crystal. Sylvan Gods and Satyrs were 
 piping and dancing in airy rings, whilst Bacchanals 
 were carousing rich nectar that flowed in copious streams 
 from rocks of alabaster. In brief, what with the volup- 
 tuous scene before me — the gav and festive song- — the 
 sprightly dance — and the melodious and transporting 
 music — my enravished heart was led captive, and con- 
 vinced me I could be in no less a place than the happy 
 Garden of Eden, or the celestial Fields of Elysium. 
 
 As here absorb'd in Somnus' arms I lay, 
 Morpheus reign'd with visionary sway. 
 
 Pleased with so extatic a spectacle, 1 became anxious 
 to join those happy spirits ; when, at that instant, I 
 received a gentle tap on my right side, which roused me 
 in my celestial delirium. Turning quickly round, to 
 
10 
 
 see from whence it came, my astonishment may be 
 more easily conceived than expressed, at the grand and 
 awful phenomenon which struck my wondering sight. 
 A lovely divinity, in the full bloom of youth, stood be- 
 fore me, clothed in a loose mantle, white as snow, down 
 to her feet, which were shod with golden sandals, 
 fastened by diamond latchets. Her face resembled the 
 sun in its full splendor ; with beautiful auburn tresses, 
 flowino: in artless ringlets over her anoelic shoulders, 
 that were guarded with burnished armour to her waist. 
 A golden helmet, surmounted with a rich plume of 
 ostrich feathers, adorned her head ; a brilliant shield 
 blazed on her left arm ; whilst her right hand held out 
 to me a golden spear, as a token for my approach. — 
 Reader, whatever thy sensations might be at such a 
 moment, I know not; but as to my own, I became 
 motionless and dumb. The sudden surprise occasioned 
 by the sight of so majestic a personage — whose full pe- 
 netrating azure eyes shot through me like lightning — 
 had so powerful an effect over my whole system, that 
 animation was suspended for a time, and I remained as 
 immovable as a statue — cold and senseless : 
 
 I saw — but, like an image, inanimated stood : 
 The spectre chill'd my frame, and froze my blood. 
 
 I would have given the world, had it been in my power 
 to have withdrawn from her presence. But, perceiving 
 my fright or bashful timidity, in a soft and persuasive 
 tone of voice, she said, " Fear not." At these words 
 I took courage, and advanced, though with a trembling 
 step, towards her: falling on my knees, I implored, in 
 the most supplicating manner, her mercy and protec- 
 tion ; when, taking me by the hand, with great affa- 
 
11 
 
 bility and good nature, she bid me arise. Asking- my 
 name, residence, and business, I replied, they called 
 me Imagination; that I was a wanderer from the 
 world ; that I came not merely to satisfy curiosity, but 
 to gain improvement. Then said she, " Fair youth, 
 what is the summit of thy ambition ? As thou hast 
 had the good fortune to approach so near the gods, 
 declare it, that I may give it thee." I replied, " The 
 attainment of wisdom, learning, and virtue — that I may 
 have it in my power to act with truth, and do justice 
 to all mankind." Then said she, " Thou pleasest me 
 well in thy request : would to the gods every one in 
 the world were of thy disposition. 
 
 Then haughty, proud Ambition, would be crush'd ; 
 And all be wise, religious, charitable, and just. 
 
 " I am Minerva, the goddess of wisdom ; and inas- 
 much as thou hast not asked for either riches, honors, 
 or long life ; all these will I give thee, besides thy re- 
 quest, and every other qualification the gods can be- 
 stow : and moreover, before I permit thee to return to 
 the world, I will introduce thee to the presence of mag- 
 nanimous Jupiter, and declare thy worth to his whole 
 court. What thou hast seen, is nothing to what thou 
 shalt hereafter behold : for to-night I will take thee to 
 his splendid pantheon, where thou shalt receive the 
 unanimous thanks of the gods for thy reward. There a 
 grand annual ambrosial festival is kept in high revelry : 
 
 Gay Bacchus pours rich cordials from his hoard, 
 And choice Pomona crowns the festive board. 
 
 " The various Gods and Goddesses return from their 
 respective embassies, and having reported the result of 
 their several missions, crown the night with mirth and 
 
12 
 
 glee, drowning all care in goblets of tlie richest nec- 
 tar. I preside over the whole assembly,* except their 
 Majesties ; and they, although in that exalted sphere, 
 pay the greatest respect and deference to my coun- 
 sel ; but having had little to do in the world, as the 
 generality of mankind have set their faces against 
 my wholesome statutes, I have returned expeditiously, 
 in order to see that the entertainment is provided suit- 
 able to the dignity of the Gods." I was about to return 
 her my warmest acknowledgments for her very polite 
 attentions, when she prevented my paying her further 
 compliments, by saying, with a look of kindness, " It 
 is no time for us to linger — follow me ;" which I in- 
 stantly obeyed, and mounting her chariot that was in 
 attendance for her reception, we were as swift as 
 thought conveyed to the top of the mount, where 
 
 Witli admiration I sun ey'd the pile — 
 
 And gaz'd with wonder whilst her Godship smil'd. 
 
 Words are inadequate to express my astonishment 
 at the first glance of so superb an edifice. A grand and 
 lofty temple, with innumerable columns of beautiful 
 marble, and dedicated in letters of gold to Jupiter — 
 from whence the sumptuous fane of great Diana of 
 Ephesus seems to have taken its splendid semblance. — 
 A perpetual spring bloomed around, and the very air 
 breathed perfumes odoriferous. I should have con- 
 ceived, had it not been for my royal guide, I was trans- 
 ported to some fairy land, or enchanted by some 
 necromancer's art : but she made lioht of it, tellino- 
 me withal, if the external appearance had such an 
 effect on my present ideas, what would it not have, 
 when I was admitted into the august presence of Ma- 
 
13 
 
 jesty, and the whole assembly of Deities. I replied, 
 I hoped she would pardon my simplicity and inex- 
 perience, not having had the honor to soar so high 
 before : the which, with a benign smile, full of tender- 
 ness, she immediately granted. The guards having 
 announced our arrival, Jupiter instantly dispatched a 
 magnificent aerial car, drawn by six high spirited cream- 
 coloured winged horses, for our escort, guided by the 
 good Genii, bearing flambeaus of delicious fragrance, 
 and attended by the Muses and Graces, accompanied 
 with a select band of music that Apollo had provided, 
 playing in a most exquisite style of excellence as they 
 came to meet us — Hail ! mighty Imagination, our 
 father and protector ! — We were no sooner alighted 
 from our chariot and seated in the car, than the pro- 
 cession began in a sumptuous and princely manner. 
 The Nymphs of Flora strewing flowers and dancing in 
 an angelic style before us, waving garlands in airy 
 rings, and crowning us with chaplets of roses, whilst 
 the celestial band transported my very soul, and raised 
 it to the highest pitch of extacy, thus — 
 
 In princely manner through the clouds we fly, 
 Whilst clarions loud proclaim our approach is nigh. 
 
 Leading on, we entered a grand spacious court, by 
 a most superb triumphal arch, built in the Corinthian 
 style of architecture ; opposite to which, in correspond- 
 ing elegance, stood a magnificent portico that led into 
 the temple, decorated with trophies, banners, and 
 escutcheons of most of the renowned Gods and Heroes 
 of antiquity. At the entrance thereof, we alighted, 
 amid the shouts and acclamations of the assembled 
 Deities, who had come out to welcome us to their happy 
 
abode. I was then ushered into the royal presence, 
 and presented with all due form by my kind guide to 
 their Majesties, who received me in the most affable 
 and affectionate manner. Yet I must confess that, 
 although I had witnessed so much attention and god- 
 like splendor before, I was now struck with pecu- 
 liar awe on entering into the presence of royalty, 
 and the majestic solemnity and grandeur of the place, 
 quite overcame my wonted spirits. But soon recover- 
 ing from my embarrassment, I perceived Jupiter had 
 laid aside his thunderbolts, and appeared with a pleas- 
 ing mien, instead of the terrific countenance my timid 
 fears had portrayed to me, the which my guide in- 
 formed me was in consequence of my paying him a 
 long wished for visit. After many compliments had 
 been exchanged, and I had received the fullest assur- 
 ance of his inviolable attachment and regard, I was 
 handed with great state by my former attendants to a 
 grand seat that had been prepared for my reception 
 and accommodation. But, immortal powers, how 
 shall I describe the glory of my exalted station ! My 
 senses left me for a time and my head ran round, un- 
 used to such distinguished and weighty dignity, with 
 excess of delight. 
 
 Thus, like a hero, to immortalize my name, 
 
 I rose from grov'ling earth, to mount the throne of Fame. 
 
 At length, the gods being assembled, Jupiter as- 
 cended his throne with great pomp ; and, in a most 
 eloquent and impressive speech, thus addressed me : 
 " Permit me," said he, " most illustrious stranger, for 
 myself, and on the behalf of my brother gods, to con- 
 gratulate you on your safe arrival in our remote domi- 
 
15 
 
 nions, which thousands have attempted (the perilous 
 flight) in vain to reach. We have oft beheld from our 
 celestial regions, with feelings of great pity, their maniac- 
 like attempts; but nought could save them, (so bent 
 they seemed on their own destruction) till their temerity 
 and folly was punished, like Bellerophon's, by falling 
 headlong to the earth — there procumbent, never to rise 
 ao-ain. But as it has pleased the Fates your career 
 should be crowned with success, long may you remain 
 amongst us, and be incorporated into our happy hierar- 
 chy. I therefore request, for myself, as also on the part 
 of my brother gods, your acceptance of the freedom of 
 our renowned pantheon ; wishing you all health and 
 happiness long to enjoy the fehcity of so desired an 
 union between us." 
 
 Jupiter having finished his congratulatory address, 
 I arose, and, bowing most profoundly, first to the throne 
 and then to the whole assembly, returned them my most 
 sincere and unfeigned thanks for the high and distin- 
 guished honor they had so munificently conferred upon 
 me. Swearing by the sacred alhance concluded between 
 us, never to desert or debase so august an assembly ; 
 but that I would always, to the uttermost in my power, 
 endeavour to merit their high gracious condescension 
 and esteem. As soon as I had concluded ray grateful 
 acknowledgments for the favors conferred, an universal 
 shout of approbation ensued. 
 
 Here loud applauses ran throughout the throng, 
 And all was mirth, hilaritj , and song. 
 
 I had now an opportunity, during an inten-egnum 
 of some forms of court, to examine more minutely the 
 interior of this grand and wonderful edifice, with all its 
 
16 
 
 peculiarities, manners, and customs ; of which the fol- 
 lowing is but a faint description. 
 
 This hall of audience, or court of the gods, in the 
 magical temple, or palace of mighty Jove, which seemed 
 to float on the azure surface of the clouds, was a most 
 magnificent rotunda, whose walls were overlaid with 
 burnished gold. Its lofty dome was supported by light 
 fluted columns of beautiful alabaster ; the compartments 
 between them were filled with sculptures of bronze and 
 gold in bas-relief; exhibiting the histories of the adven- 
 tures and achievements of their most renowned gods and 
 heroes : but the most remarkable, was a colossal statue 
 of Jupiter himself in all his glory, when he subdued the 
 Titans and the giants. Near to which, his sumptuous 
 throne of ivory and gold was erected; which far exceeds 
 any description that I can give of its splendor, elegance, 
 taste, and sublimity. He sat majestically thereon, ar- 
 rayed in a superb mantle, with Juno, his lovely queen, 
 by his side, in all the glow of youth and pomp of attire, 
 crowned with a rich diadem of brilliants, under a 
 princely canopy of diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sap- 
 phires, and pearls, most tastefully diversified in wreaths 
 and bouquets, representing Flora's captivating and 
 enchanting bower. On this occasion, he held in his 
 right hand his royal sceptre of cypress; as he had 
 given his thunderbolts in charge to his noble eagle, who 
 stood at his feet with expanded wings, by way of state, 
 to guard his golden shoes ; but further, there was no 
 necessity, as his countenance beamed with complacency 
 and love. His brother Gods stood around him, accord- 
 ing to seniority, clad in sumptuous robes of their 
 respective offices. But those who had been on embassy. 
 
17 
 
 had a preference of royal seats assigned them near his 
 august person, and received pecuUar marks of his royal 
 condescension and attentions. In short, the o-randeur 
 of the spectacle was so truly interesting and attractive, 
 and was rising more and more into importance every 
 moment, that I shall sum up all further description at 
 present, by saying 
 
 If you were there, this palace to behold. 
 You'd call me Midas, who turn'd all to gold. 
 
 By this time the royal synod had taken their re- 
 spective seats. Each divinity that had been on embassy 
 to the world, were attended by two companions or as- 
 sistants, who had accompanied them in their mission, 
 and who on this occasion had the honor of a seat on 
 each side of their superior, as supporters. But it would 
 have raised the risibility of a stoic, notwithstanding the 
 grandeur and solemnity of the court, to have seen this 
 droll motley group of Gods and their harlequin pa- 
 geantry, which I should have continued more minutely 
 my description of, had I not been drawn oiF from further 
 remarks, by their immediate proceeding to business, — 
 when 
 
 Silence being proclaim'd aloud to all, 
 Majestic stillness reign'd throughout the hall. 
 
 Jupiter now broke the solemn pause that had pre- 
 vailed for some time, by a concise and elegant speech 
 from the throne — in the following energetic appeal : — 
 " Brother Gods," said he, " I have here assembled jou, 
 -according to annual custom, and trust you will not be 
 found deficient in giving as good an account of your 
 diligence and activity in your late missions, as on former 
 occasions, as much for the unsullied stain of your own 
 
18 
 
 honor, as for the glory and dignity of my crown. I 
 therefore hope you will acquit yourselves with greater 
 reputation, if possible, to-night, than heretofore ; con- 
 sidering the high honor that is done us by our new 
 ally from the world being with us in person, and that 
 perchance we may never have that felicity again. It is 
 therefore my particular wish and request that each of 
 you conclude the nari'ative of your respective travels 
 and adventures, with a poetical effusion, by way of 
 creating mirth and good fellowship. By thus complying 
 with my heartfelt desire, I shall ever consider you as 
 my faithful and loving adherents, that are not backward 
 in loyalty, duty, or obedience to your sovereign, who 
 has, at all times, your welfare and interests at heart." 
 Jupiter had no sooner finished his address, than Apollo, 
 with his whole band, struck off in full concert, — the 
 assembly chanting most melodiously — 
 
 " We shall not be wanting in affection or loyalty, 
 If your Majesty will open our annual jubilee." 
 
 The call on the throne beginning to become cla- 
 morous, Jupiter, after a short pause, in which he bowed 
 most gracefully to his royal assembly, returned a short 
 complimentary reply, in these words : — " My royal 
 companions and coadjutors, as it seems to be your una- 
 nimous desire I should commence the harmony of the 
 evening, I will endeavour, to the best of my ability — 
 
 To please and pleasure you, 
 
 Sucli as it is, you are welcome to." 
 
 Here followed a general burst of applause and ap- 
 probation, which soon subsiding, Jupiter began the 
 evening's entertainment and revels with the following- 
 pleasing invitatory congratulation, accompanied by the 
 
19 
 
 rich selected band of Apollo; which played in grand 
 style to every vocal performer, throughout the joyous 
 night. 
 
 SONG I. 
 
 3)«pitev*^ congtatulatorg Welcome to tfie 
 
 Tune — " Sound the trumpet, beat the drum." 
 
 Welcome every one of you. 
 
 To this our festive treat ; 
 May spite, nor malice, ne'er subdue 
 
 Our harmony and fete : 
 But let this night be crown'd with glee 
 
 And mirth for recreation. 
 By gods of every degree. 
 
 To please Imagination. 
 Hail ! hail ! hail ! hail. Imagination ! 
 
 Hail! &c. 
 
 Welcome, thrice welcome, ev'ry one. 
 From peace or war's alarms ; 
 
 From Gallic scenes, or rustic fun, 
 Or wanton lover's arms. 
 
 But let, &c. 
 
20 
 
 May peace and plenty e'er await 
 The renown'd of Olympic story. 
 
 And future prospects stimulate 
 You on to deeds of glory : 
 
 But let, &c. 
 
 This Song was received with the loudest and warmest 
 plaudits of approbation by the whole assembly, who 
 rose simultaneously to sing a complimentary ode, in 
 honor and praise of their king; which immediately 
 took place as follows. 
 
 SONG II. 
 
 Tune—" The Lamplighter." 
 
 Long live our noble, gracious King, 
 
 'Till time shall be no more ; 
 His praise and glory we will sing 
 
 To ev'ry distant shore. 
 And when our mount shall roll away. 
 
 Nought but heaven's high space to see. 
 We'll spend the rest of our happy days 
 
 With him in a new country. 
 
21 
 
 The Gods and Goddesses, according to their seniority 
 of rank, began now to give in an account of their va- 
 rious receptions in the world on their late missions. 
 The first that had this honorable and distinguished 
 preference was Minerva, the goddess of Wisdom — my 
 most illustrious guide. She arose, with all the smiles 
 of Aurora on her lovely cheeks, supported on her right 
 by Themis, the goddess of Justice, and on her left by 
 Diana, the goddess of Chastity ; when, after paying 
 her graceful respects to the throne, she addressed the 
 assembly as follows : — 
 
 " Most wise and renowned Gods, at my first entrance 
 into the world, I flattered myself I should have been 
 received with open arms of friendship and love ; and 
 that a contention for the honor of my personal acquaint- 
 ance and abode, would have ensued. But, to my great 
 surprise and mortification, I had the greatest difficulty 
 to find a resting place for the sole of my foot — the 
 world being so wise in its own conceit, even from the 
 prince to the peasant, that no one courted my assistance 
 or advice. Accordingly, the short time I stayed on terra 
 Jirma, I was obliged to wander about in disguise, to be 
 enabled to bring back any information of the degenera- 
 tion of human nature ; and yet, at the same time, you 
 would have supposed, from external appearances — the 
 pedantic flourish and plausible sophistry that were in 
 every one's mouth — that myself and companions were 
 in the highest favour and esteem. But all this outward 
 show of regard, upon a more minute inspection, was 
 only to serve them for a cloak to hide their gross igno- 
 rance, vice, and injustice from the world ; as the world 
 made use of me, in turn, to answer the same purpose 
 
22 
 
 for themselves. So that after roving up and down till 
 nature was nearly exhausted^ and despairing of any 
 success — as the generality of mankind being so blind 
 of themselves, or so blinded by others, who pretend to 
 know better — I and my companions took our departure 
 immediately, leaving the world with indignation and 
 disgust. As Wisdom, Truth, Virtue, and Justice are 
 now more generally known by name than the practice." 
 
 SONG III. 
 
 Tune — " Dimple Boy. 
 
 Wisdom now is quite a toy. 
 Hardly fit to please a boy. 
 As the world so wise is grown. 
 They would not let it be known. 
 If 'twere possible to be. 
 That they are in want of me ; 
 But though my precepts they despise, 
 I count them not so wonderous wise. 
 
 The time will come when they will say^ 
 I wish I had but kept the day. 
 That wisdom's voice spoke in my ear. 
 But I would not attend nor hear : 
 
23 
 
 Then I had led a happy life. 
 For courtezans had wed a wife ; 
 Been rich, respected^ — whereas bad vice. 
 Has beggar'd and kill'd me in a trice. 
 
 Yet there are some who me adore, 
 And crave my counsel more and more : 
 The seven sage men of Greece, so bright. 
 Are worthy every sweet delight ; 
 They refus'd all worldly earthly toys. 
 In preference to grave wisdom's joys ; 
 So now let's praise them to the sky. 
 And immortalize their names on hioh. 
 
 The Goddess of Wisdom having resumed Jier seat, 
 was immediately succeeded by Fama, the goddess of 
 Report ; who, as she arose to pay her respects, ap- 
 peared to have a brazen front of adamant, with a most 
 insinuating^ tong-ue. Fabula, the o-oddess of Lies, was 
 on her right, and Proteus, who possessed the power 
 of transformation, on her left. When making her 
 obeisance, with an arch look she began as follows : — 
 
 " INIost famed and potent Gods, the rumour of my 
 arrival in the world had no sooner reached the earth, 
 than Fame raised me to the highest pinnacle of glory. 
 All the four quarters of the globe were for receiving me 
 and my attendants at once. But, after due considera- 
 
24 
 
 tion, I determined on visiting Europe, as the best cal- 
 culated to exercise my powers of deception upon : and, 
 indeed, I was not mistaken — as I found the nations 
 perfectly ripe for any imposition to be practised on them 
 — credulity being the ruling passion of the times : for 
 so great is the natural propensity of the world for ex- 
 travagant news, that all ranks and degrees would run 
 from Dan to Bashsheba to hear a ridiculous tale, how- 
 ever absurd. Thus report never loses by circulation, but 
 swells into importance from lies assuming ten thousand 
 shapes, in its progress through the universe. 
 
 SONG IV. 
 
 Tune — " Poll and my partner Joe." 
 
 I SCARCE into the world had popp'd. 
 
 My name was known so well. 
 Before such thousands round me got, — 
 
 More than my tongue can tell : 
 They gap'd and star'd — seem'd wonderous wise, 
 
 To hear what I had to say ; 
 And believ'd every word as quite suffice. 
 
 Such stupid elves were they. 
 For wisdom they appear'd to me just like an Essex calf: 
 
 In short, if you had but been there. 
 
 To have seen those apes grimace and stare, 
 Twould have made your Godships laugh. 
 
*JD 
 
 I turn'd the people's brain so much. 
 
 They behev'd that black was white ,- 
 And every thing at my touch. 
 
 Whether in or out of sight. 
 Was magnified so wond'rous large. 
 
 From pebble-stones to rocks, 
 That at a pop-gun's loud discharge 
 
 The multitude would flock ; 
 To hear a tale of cock and bull, they'd run a-thirst nine mile. 
 
 In short, if you had but been there. 
 
 To see those boors grimace and stare, 
 'Twould have made your Godships smile. 
 
 At play-house, opera, ball, or rout. 
 
 So attractive is my name ; 
 When any simple thing's given out. 
 
 What thousands spread my fame ! 
 Perhaps a bottle conjuror. 
 
 Or some such gross burlesque j 
 A fire or a stone eater. 
 
 Their pockets for to frisk. 
 Thus from pole to pole the world by me is made a simple calf. 
 
 In short, if you had but been there. 
 
 To have seen those fools grimace and stare, 
 'Twould have made your Godships laugh . 
 
26 
 
 The goddess of Report was succeeded by Mars, the 
 god of War : his aspect was bold and terrific, exhibiting 
 marks, in honorable scars, of great service. Mors, the 
 goddess of Death, supported him on his right ; and 
 Discordia, the goddess of Contention, on his left. 
 After making an elegant military salutation, he addressed 
 the royal court as follows : — " Most powerful and gene- 
 rous Gods, so remarkably fond is the world of broils and 
 contentions, that she is seldom without my interference 
 to settle her differences, before order and tranquillity 
 can be restored. I had no sooner entered the confines 
 of the grand universe, than I found my powers and 
 authority were necessary to be called into immediate 
 action. The Kings of the Earth had risen up in hosti- 
 lity against each other, and their unruly subjects were 
 in downright rebellion against them all ; — and all this 
 uproar and confusion arose in consequence of Lucifer 
 having diffused into the minds of the Nations, through 
 the medium and industry of his devoted diabolical 
 saint, Tom Paine, the baneful and infatuating notions 
 of liberty and equality, which had spread like wildfire 
 throughout the world, so that scarce a kingdom or state 
 was exempt from its deadly intoxicating effects. I, 
 therefore, became alarmed for the safety and welfare of 
 that delightful and heaven-born spot. Old England; 
 whose laws, justice, religion, honor, commerce, and 
 prosperity, are not only the nearest and dearest to my 
 heart, but the admiration and envy of all the world. 
 Fearins: she migcht fall into the same delusive error with 
 her neighbours, I hastened to watch her movements ; 
 and was just in time to rescue her from the impending 
 danger that seemed to threaten her very existence : 
 
27 
 
 for St. George had reclined his spear ; the noble and 
 majestic lion no longer bristled his shaggy mane; and 
 Britannia began to droop her head — to see her country, 
 once so flourishing, the seat of arts and sciences, now 
 hurrying' on to the precipice of destruction. This roused 
 my spirit to the highest pitch of indignation, at their 
 vague and poisonous principles ; and I instantly flew to 
 the aid and relief of great George and his dominions ; 
 swearing by your majesty's most gracious goodness, never 
 to abandon so sacred an isle, — the land of freedom, — 
 in distress. I soon subdued his enemies, restored tran- 
 quillity and unanimity to his distracted empire, and 
 carried the seat of war into the very bowels of those 
 lawless powers that had so daringly began their direful 
 ravages and bloodshed — where War, Discord, and Death 
 now walk hand in hand. 
 
 SONG V. 
 
 "Ett l^abascg? of max. 
 
 Tune — " Hark! the sound of the drum. 
 
 Hero Mars is the god 
 
 That's ready at your nod. 
 To deeds both valiant and olorious ; 
 
 So powerful's his arm. 
 
 He fears no alarm ; 
 All nations proclaim him victorious. 
 
28 
 
 When tumults arise 
 
 To decide whose the prize, 
 I'm caird in to quell the contentious ; 
 
 Then with cannon I thunder. 
 
 Whilst the world's struck with wonder 
 At my leaving the field so victorious. 
 
 Thus the universe to me 
 
 Is no more than a flea. 
 In comparison to strength so notorious ; 
 
 For if terror wont do. 
 
 Death then must ensue ; 
 That's the way Mars comes off so victorious. 
 
 The God of War was immediately succeeded by 
 Concordia, the goddess of Peace ; who arose, wath all 
 the splendor and dignity of an eastern princess : she 
 was attended by Felicitas, the goddess of Happiness ; 
 and Plutus, the god of Riches : when, having paid her 
 respects in the most graceful manner, and, presenting 
 an olive branch, she addressed the assembly as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " Most benign and pacific Gods, Rumour had in- 
 formed me, long before I reached the world, of the de- 
 plorable condition of its inhabitants. All commerce 
 was at a stand ; and nothing but rapine, murder, and 
 devastation stared every one in the face. Prayers and 
 petitions were, daily and hourly, devoutly offered up in 
 
29 
 
 every place of worship, whether Christian or Pagan, 
 throughout the vast universe, for my safe arrival and 
 continuance. 'Peace! peace!' they cried, ' may the 
 Gods grant us peace on any terms !' 1 soon discovered 
 that all this fervor of supplication, and interestedness, 
 arose in consequence of one Buonaparte, a bold enter- 
 prising Corsican adventurer, who had raised himself 
 from an humble state to great arbitrary power ; so that 
 he not merely menaced, but was endeavouring to subju- 
 gate, the whole world — as nothing short of universal 
 empire would content him. Vast nations, that had been 
 mighty kingdoms and principalities, groaned under his 
 cruel tyranny and oppression. At length his ambition 
 and intolerance reached its summit, and became his 
 woful downfall. Thanks to brother Mars for his va- 
 lour, penetration, and philanthropy ; for he was not to 
 be cajoled and deceived by him any longer, though he 
 made use of all the little arts he was master of to im- 
 pose upon him ; for he instantly saw what his inten- 
 tions v/ere, and therefore determined to defeat his pur- 
 pose. Accordingly, on the ever-memorable plains of 
 Waterloo, he abandoned his mighty host, and went over 
 to the arms of the brave and valiant Wellington, and his 
 faithful followers, just at the moment when he thought 
 the palm of victory was about to crown him and his 
 murderino; marauders with immortal glorv. As the 
 Gods deserted Sisero, never to rise again, so he left 
 him, for a time, to utter scorn and derision, to prolong 
 his misery and despair. At this critical moment, I put 
 the coup de gras to all his future prospects of ambition 
 — by tempting him to flee to Bellerophon for succour ; 
 who wafted him, on his winged courser, prisoner to 
 
30 
 
 Neptune's mighty castle ; where blustering winds and 
 roaring seas continually unite to lash its adamantine 
 walls — where Hope never comes, that comes to most : 
 but there to pine away the remainder of his languishing 
 days, for a fool, in spleen and anguish — as a warning 
 to all posterity, and future tyrants, who may attempt to 
 follow his career. — A friend he might have made me ; 
 but as he, maugre, despised my love, and was my 
 mortal enemy ; my peace I took from him, and gave it 
 to the brave that prize my worth, with happiness and 
 wealth. Thus the hardy veteran returns, rejoicing, to 
 his native home in peace. 
 
 SONG VI. 
 
 'Ef)t laeturn of J3eace» 
 
 Tune — " O'er tlie meadows, o'er the moor. 
 
 The hero, tired of War's alarms, 
 Returns triumphant from clash of arms. 
 
 Where thundering canons cease. 
 To embrace me with paternal joy ; 
 As din of war no more annoy 
 
 His happiness and peace. 
 
 The anxious wife, and children dear. 
 Rejoice, awhile the trickling tear 
 Falls from each lovely face. 
 
31 
 
 To receive their father in their arms. 
 Who's now return'd from war's alarms 
 To everlasting- peace. 
 
 With drums and trumpets I'm usher'd in, 
 And heralds proclaim me as their king, 
 
 For making war to cease ; 
 While they dance and sing from morn to night. 
 With harmony and sweet delight. 
 
 For having a glorious peace. 
 
 By me Joy reigns throughout the world ; 
 The sword is sheath'd — the flag is furl'd — 
 
 And War's dire ravage cease ; 
 Whilst health, and wealth, and length of days. 
 Crown every valiant warrior's bays 
 
 With happiness and peace. 
 
 The Goddess of Peace was immediately succeeded 
 by Bacchus, the jolly god of Wine ; who, though a 
 beardless youth, appeared to be so fat and bloated, he 
 could hardly stand on his feet, or see out of his eyes, 
 for his red swollen cheeks ; yet there was a vast deal 
 of extreme good nature, whimsicality, and wit, about 
 him, and his whole tout ensemble bespoke a jocu- 
 lar, merry fellow : and, indeed, I was not mistaken 
 in my conjecture, the moment I heard his satirical hu- 
 
32 
 
 mourous tongue. He was supported by bis two gay pot- 
 companions, Comus, tbe god of Laugbter ; and Momus, 
 tbe god of Raillery ; when, looking around witb self- 
 importance, " Brotber rosy tippling Gods," said be, 
 " you perceive I am more tban balf seas over, and I am 
 sure you will not only excuse it, but say it is not to be 
 wondered at, wben you bave beard my story ; for, really, 
 it is next to a miracle I bave tbe pleasure of seeing you 
 tbis nigbt. As tbe world is grown so exceeding fond of 
 tbe juice of tbe grape, particularly since my last trip, that 
 it is surprising I found my way back again ; having lived 
 like a prince every day, since my absence : for so very 
 desirous are its inhabitants of my company and those of 
 my companions, that we bave never been at a loss for 
 an engagement tbe whole time ; as there is not an 
 entertainment given, even from tbe king to the volup- 
 tuous citizen, that we do not preside at ; so that we 
 rule the roast in all societies where mirth and good 
 cheer are going forward. Nothing is now done for the 
 benefit of tbe public weal, unless preceded by a grand 
 cabinet carousal. No suit at law prospers, without I 
 am consulted ; nor any divine ever climbs to a mitre, 
 if be does not pay devotion to tbe bottle, as well as tbe 
 church. But the finest and choicest fellows in tbe 
 world for good living, are your rich fat cits of the east. 
 O ! it would have done your hearts good, brotber Gods, 
 had you been there to bave seen in what a glorious style 
 of boosing we kept it up, this day, at my Lord Mayor's 
 feast — how we pushed tbe claret and champagne about, 
 and the jollity and glee that sparkled in every one's eye; 
 and but for a lucky incident which liberated us, we 
 should bave been there to tbis moment. But it so bap- 
 
33 
 
 pened, about the latter end of the banquet, his Lordship 
 was so overcome with the fatigues of the evening, from 
 the peculiar attention he had paid to the pleasures and 
 comforts of his illustrious visitors and friends, that, 
 whilst a celebrated civic orator was on his legs, return- 
 ing thanks for the high and distinguished honor the 
 assembly had conferred on him in drinking his health ; 
 he eulogized so much, and expatiated so long, on the 
 wealth, commerce, prosperity, and happiness of the most 
 magnanimous, unrivalled city in the world; that not 
 only the company began to yawn, but his Lordship sunk 
 into the arms of Somnus, and so we stole away." 
 
 SONG VIL 
 
 €f)c lEffectiS of mint. 
 
 Tune—" Mrs. Casey." 
 
 I AM jolly Bacchus, god of Wine, 
 
 That crown each night with pleasure : 
 The world do homage at my shrine. 
 
 In profusion, without measure. 
 Dull care I wipe from mortals' brow. 
 
 Whatever be their ills ; 
 And there's not a soul on earth I know. 
 
 But love my liquid pills. 
 
 Thus the flowing bowl 
 Inspires each soul. 
 
34 
 
 Whilst the toast and joke intvvine ; 
 The songs resound. 
 All sorrow's drown'd. 
 By jovial bucks — in wine. 
 
 My shrine all ranks, with adoration. 
 
 Hail each festive day ; 
 Butl those who lull in contemplation. 
 
 Their foolish lives away : 
 Like misers or astronomers. 
 
 Who, were they but to taste 
 My wine, would damn their gold and stars 
 
 For being such senseless beasts. 
 For the flowing, &c. 
 
 The Beggar thinks himself a king ; 
 
 The Fop a monkey turns ; 
 The Buck for pranks is just the thing ; 
 
 The Coward's bosom burns ; 
 The Usurer's sordid mind is lost ; 
 
 The Quack forgets his fee ; 
 The Farmer fears no nipping frost, 
 
 But drowns all care in glee. 
 Thus the flowing, &c. 
 
 Thus every one I actuate ; 
 
 But most beyond their station ; 
 
35 
 
 Whilst some with deeds I stimulate. 
 
 Of glory for the nation ; 
 So now let's sing, long live the king. 
 
 And ev'ry cheerful fellow. 
 That ne'er, like us, forgets the spring 
 
 That makes us always mellow. 
 Thus the flowing, &c. 
 
 The god of Wine was next succeeded by Pitho, the 
 goddess of Eloquence ; who arose, with vast dignity in 
 her mien, a sharp keen eye, like a hawk, and a tongue 
 that would wheedle with the devil. Aspasia, a famous 
 rhetorician; and Ulysses, of renowned consummate 
 wisdom, were her attendants. When, having gracefully 
 made her obeisance to the throne, she addressed the 
 learned synod as follows : — ■ 
 
 " Most briUiant, oratorical Gods, it gives me great 
 pleasure to inform you, I am held in such high estima- 
 tion in the world, that my assistance and influence is 
 universally sought after, and admired by all ranks and 
 degrees in life. Even the tinker engages me, if he can 
 aflbrd the expence to send his son to college, however 
 illiterate he may be himself; because, forsooth. Master 
 Dickey shall be educated and brought up a gentleman ; 
 so that, whether he turns out a scholar or not, he pos- 
 sesses sufficient impudence, too frequently, to despise 
 his over-fond and indulgent parent, for his vulgarity 
 
36 
 
 and ignorance. As Dick's feelings are so acute, and his 
 ideas grown so refined and enlarged, his old father then 
 becomes burdensome to him, as he is not fit company 
 for a gentleman to associate with. There is likewise the 
 dashing sprig, or booby of high birth and expectations : 
 he goes to college for form's sake ; and afterwards makes 
 the tour of Europe, under the appearance of my patron- 
 ao-e and instruction, to finish bis studies. But it is all 
 mere ceremony, to give effect ; for in reality he returns 
 the finished coxcomb, black-leg, and debauchee ; having 
 only the externals of learning in his head; which, upon 
 a cursory observance, will be found to consist of frothy 
 volubihty, made up of superficial bits and scraps of 
 Latin and Greek which he knows nothing of: as to ety- 
 mology, not even so much as a country school-master. 
 So that we have a great plenty of these fellows, these 
 would-be Socrates and Demosthenes. I have, there- 
 fore endeavoured to distinguish between genuine merit 
 and upstart pretenders to it, and reward it with my most 
 cordial support ; for whenever I have found a gem, 
 however latent or remote, I never let it remain in a dor- 
 mant or inactive state ; but have always brought it 
 forth to the world in due season. This has produced 
 the many shining characters (to adorn the senate, the 
 pulpit, and the bar) the universe has to boast of. At 
 the same time I have laboured hard to steer between 
 the two extremes, namely — not to over-educate the 
 world ; for if all mankind possessed the same qualifica- 
 tions and accomplishments of mind, no one would be 
 found to do a domestic or menial oflfice for another ; 
 and thus the world would fall into a second state of 
 chaos." 
 
37 
 
 SONG VIII. 
 
 (EonttiU 
 
 Tune—" Dorothij Dump. 
 
 A FLOWERY tongue 
 
 Like a bell goes ding dong, 
 
 So flippant and easy it pass ; 
 But unless wit and sense 
 Intwine, it's nonsense. 
 
 And the braying is just like an ass. 
 
 The fool bellows out. 
 And makes a great rout. 
 
 And talks mighty big, in his glass. 
 Of his sense and his wit. 
 Though the devil a bit 
 
 Can be found in so stupid an ass. 
 
 Philosophers boast 
 
 Of their sense ; though a post. 
 
 In a senate or seminary, pass 
 Full as well as those sages. 
 Who scoff at all ages. 
 
 And set the world down for an ass. 
 
38 
 
 Now if yovi would be wise, 
 And I may advise. 
 
 Mind this maxim — you'll assuredly pass 
 Never let your tongue walk 
 Too fast in your talk. 
 
 And you'll never be counted an ass. 
 
 The goddess of Eloquence having resumed her 
 seat, was succeeded by Cupid, the amorous god of 
 Love : but he, being rather a bashful boy, was accom- 
 panied and supported by his mother, Venus, the bloom- 
 ing goddess of Beauty ; and his brother. Hymen, the 
 god of Marriage. He appeared quite a ruddy, chubby, 
 dimple-cheeked, artless boy, (not much unlike Peter, 
 the wild youth,) with his quiver at his back, and his 
 bow in his hand : and though the world says he is blind, 
 I never beheld a finer pair of eyes : and from the power- 
 ful auxiharies that were with him, he soon threw off the 
 mask, and became more playful, confident, and familiar ; 
 when, bowing to the assembly, in a soft and effeminate 
 tone of voice, he thus addressed them : 
 
 " Most enchanting and transporting Gods, I doubt 
 not but you will expect to hear I have had great suc- 
 cess, and an excellent time of it, with the love-sick de- 
 votees of the universe ; but I can assure your Godships, 
 the order of things is wonderfully changed to what they 
 formerly were. Though my name is in as great repute 
 and circulation in the world as ever, yet my powers are 
 sadly prostituted and perverted from their original pur- 
 
39 
 
 pose and design : — for now it is not virtue, strict pro- 
 priety, and honorable alliance, that is courted, adored, 
 and desired ; but almost every one follows the bent of 
 his own wishes, as his propensity or inclination leads 
 him. There are, to be sure, some few over-fond fools, 
 now and then, that pay adoration to Hymen's altar, for 
 love's sake; but where a circumstance of that kind 
 takes place, tens of thousands occur daily of an oppo- 
 site character and complexion. I used to be prized 
 and idolized as their choicest angel; but now I am 
 obliged, by mortals, to do all kind of drudgery and dirty 
 work for them, and yet not apparently so to the eyes of 
 the world ; and I am also abused and villified into the 
 bargain. One calls me a sly devil ; another, a bewitch- 
 ing devil ; a third, a treacherous devil, and such-like 
 names— that, in the mind I am in, I am almost tempted 
 to swear never to visit the universe again, as there is 
 scarce any sincerity or disinterested love now to be found 
 amongst mankind." 
 
 SONG IX. 
 
 '^Tfte Ptasiuresf of flobe. 
 
 Tune — " Jack al the ivindlass." 
 
 Lovers call me sweet little Cupid, 
 And praise my beauty and parts ; 
 
 Though there's never a soul now so stupid. 
 But knows the effect of my darts. 
 
4a 
 
 Old and young I inspire the same f 
 
 Though in choice not always alike : 
 Some love honor — some riches — some fame ^ 
 
 Some beauty, some pleasures delight : 
 Thus I revel all day and night long, 
 
 With Bacchus, Venus, Plutus, and Mars : 
 But Hymen's no more than a song, 
 
 With the world, than a rush-light's a star. 
 
 A King loves power and fame ; 
 
 A Cobler loves comfort and ease ; 
 A Courtier, to catch all he can ; 
 
 A Physician, to finger the fees ; 
 A Maid, to get rid of a jewel ; 
 
 A Nun, her's to save, slits her lip ; 
 A Savage delights to be cruel ; 
 
 An Heiress gives guardy the slip. 
 
 Thus I revel, &c. 
 
 The Glutton loveth his belly ; 
 
 The Coquet, beauty and shape ; 
 The Critic appears wise, though silly j 
 
 The Fool loves his tongue for to prate ,' 
 The Sportsman, his dog and his gun ; 
 
 The Coward to bluster and swear ; 
 The Rustic loves humour and fun ; 
 
 The sharper all the world to ensnarcr 
 Thus I revel, &Cc 
 
41 
 
 The Musician loves flattery and praise ; 
 
 The Dancing Master capers and twirls ; 
 The poor Poet loves whim all his days ; 
 
 The Hero, the flag to unfurl ; 
 
 The Divine loves translation and tithes ; 
 
 The Farmer a plentiful crop ; 
 The Jew loves a good season'd pie ; 
 
 And the Thief loves all but the drop. 
 Thus I revel, &:c. 
 
 The Traveller distant climes loves to traverse j 
 
 The Cit loves staying at home ; 
 The Fop goes for fashions to Paris ; 
 
 The Buck drives his buggy 'bout town ; 
 The Tar loves the roaring main j 
 
 The Miser's soul is his pelf; 
 The Warrior loves a great name ; 
 
 In fact, every one loves — himself. 
 
 Thus I revel, &c. 
 
 Mnemosyne, the goddess of Memory, next followed 
 the little god of Love, attended by Menostho, a nymph 
 of unbounded recollection ; and Phaeton, the rash son 
 
42 
 
 of Sol. She appeared so exceedingly absorbed in thought, 
 as she arose to address the Gods and pay her respects, 
 that I really imagined she would have said nothing that 
 evening ; but I was agreeably surprised, when I heard 
 her commence her narrative, by saying, — 
 
 " Most profound and ruminating Gods, so extremely 
 whimsical and chanoeable is the mind and imag-ination 
 of man, that the faculty of recollection of what little 
 remains in the world, is quite altered from that disin- 
 terested sincerity and cordiality which characterized 
 and united all ranks and degrees, nations and kindreds, 
 in the silken bonds of humanity and friendship : for now, 
 not a vestige of recollection exists, but where interest 
 is concerned. Thus all the base and sordid passions of 
 the human heart are brought continually into action ; 
 the main-springs of which are avarice, revenge, malice, 
 envy and retaliation : which bad passions are always 
 uppermost on every occasion, in most men's thoughts, 
 to take vengeance on their adversary, or set the world 
 on fire by their feuds and folly. Whereas, were mankind 
 to consider the heartfelt satisfaction they would expe- 
 rience, were they to perform the benign and heavenly 
 office of philanthropy — to alleviate the widow and the 
 orphan's wants and sufferings — to cheer and heal the 
 broken heart — and, finally, by being the peace-maker 
 between man and man, restore again the golden age : 
 but, alas ! I found,, with all my exertions to produce so 
 desirable an end, they were so incorrigible, I w^as still 
 remote from my purpose ; as they possessed no sense of 
 feeling one towards the other ; and, as such, I left them, 
 with all their evil manners and customs, to their inevi- 
 table fate." 
 
43 
 SONG X. 
 
 i^efiecttoiu 
 
 Tune — " Desponding Negro. 
 
 Were mankind to reflect they are all fickle men. 
 Possessing the same passions, and in folly a-kin ; 
 Then the lofty would humble, and not be so proud. 
 And Fame their great worth with joy sound aloud ; 
 Let health, peace, and plenty, crown their happy days. 
 
 Then the Rake would reform, and mend his past ways, 
 And the Miser no longer would hoard his soul's praise ; 
 Or the Trader, or Planter, like a savage would smite 
 His poor Negro brother, because he's not white ; 
 But health, peace, & plenty, would crown their happy days^ 
 
 The Spendthrift no longer would by vice go astray ; 
 Or the juvenile Gamester be to black-legs a prey; 
 But solidity would each disposition assuage ; 
 And reflection, in time, make the libertine sage : 
 Thus health,peace, Sc plenty, would crown each happy day. 
 
 Then all ranks and degrees would reflect that old Time, 
 Was swift on the wing, as youths' vigour decline ; 
 
44 
 
 That old age, like a moment, soon came to pass ; 
 Would mind their wild lives, ere Time turned his glass : 
 Thus health,peace, & plenty, would crown each happy day. 
 
 The goddess of Memory was instantly succeeded by 
 Aurora, the goddess of the Morn, attended by Agenoria, 
 the goddess of Industry, and Salus, the rosy goddess of 
 Health. She arose, indeed, most angelicly to pay her 
 respects to the throne ; bedecked with all the colours 
 of the rainbow, but more brilliantly resplendent around 
 her lovely head ; her breath as she spoke, to address 
 the royal court, (which she did with great pathos,) dif- 
 fused heavenly perfumes. 
 
 " Most ethereal and divine Gods," said she, " be it 
 known to you, I no sooner begin to re-visit the world, 
 and unbar the gates of light, than the sable veil of night, 
 flies swift before me, like a mist, and all nature is gay. 
 Sol mounts his glorious chariot, and proceeds on his 
 daily journey around the mighty globe, to re-animate 
 and invigorate the vegetable kingdom ; — the dew-drops 
 disperse from off Flora's charming bower ; — the sweet 
 warbling lark soars aloft on airy pinions light, to sing 
 his matin song; — the sprightly horn calls the sports- 
 man to the chase ; — the dairy nymph, with ruddy cheek 
 and nimble heel, goes briskly on to milk her kine ; 
 whilst the whistling ploughboy drives his team a-field. 
 Meantime, the drowsy inhabitants of each town and 
 village begin to bestir themselves in their various occu- 
 pations or pleasures, like bees that swarm. To be brief: 
 
45 
 
 'tis me that oives life and animation to all mankind. 
 I cheer their drooping hearts, and give them health and 
 spirits to pursue, with indefatigable industry, their re- 
 spective pursuits. How grateful, then, ought man to 
 be to Heaven, for the inestimable gift of light — the 
 smiling rosy morn ! — without which, industry would 
 be at an end, and the world no longer exhibit its salu- 
 brious and enchanting appearance ; but all would be 
 one universal blank." 
 
 SONG XI. 
 
 Tune—" Batchelor's Hall." 
 
 No sooner dawn peeps, than the new-born day 
 Invites the whole w^orld, without further delay. 
 To partake of its riches, the pearl of the morn ; 
 Ere Phoebus dissolve it from off the rough thorn. 
 Come, ye slothful, ye gay, ye merry and wise. 
 You'll have health, rosy health, which excels ev'ry prize. 
 For your pains; seethe rustics that trudge through the vale. 
 Or the sportsman's blithe visage — there's few half so hale. 
 
 The hounds in full cry, make the vallies to ring, 
 While the sweet- warbling larks in the atmosphere sing; 
 Or the ploughman is chanting a rough roundelay. 
 As he strides o'er the clods to his Queen of the May. 
 
 Come ye, Sec. 
 
46 
 
 The warrior rejoices in the morn to attack 
 The bold daring foe, if he makes him fall back ; 
 Or Miss, who by guardy is closely confined. 
 If the farrier, at Gretna, the lovers safe bind. 
 
 Come ye, &c. 
 
 The lawyer and doctor know no pleasures like these ; 
 Their principal pleasure's to finger the fees ; 
 Or the rakes, that in riot and debauchery roll ; 
 Or the muckworm, whose dross is hid in his soul. 
 
 Come ye, &c. 
 
 Thus having describ'd you the pursuits of mankind ; 
 Though there's plenty I know that are still left behind : 
 But those, like the rest, little pleasure enjoy. 
 Being pent up in cities — health's bane and alloy. 
 
 Come ye, &c. 
 
 Vertumnus, the god of Spring, next followed the 
 goddess of the Morning : he arose with a cheerful and 
 animating countenance, that denoted the glow of health 
 and vigor of youth, supported by Flora, the goddess of 
 Flowers ; and Pan, the chief of the rural deities ; when, 
 having paid his respects in a rustic style, he thus be- 
 gan :— 
 
 " Most rural and renovating Gods, as soon as I make 
 my appearance to the world, all nature rejoices at my 
 
47 
 
 approach : the trees put forth their variegated fohage 
 and enhvenino- blossoms, and the verdure of the earth is 
 bespangled with delightful flowers ; the little innocent 
 lambs skip and play, and the heart of the shepherd is 
 glad ; whilst the feathered songsters' carol their melo- 
 dious notes to ray praise throughout every village and 
 grove. Agriculture now commences her laborious task 
 for the benefit of man ; the lads and lasses, with gar- 
 lands, celebrate my arrival by rural sports and dances 
 upon the green : even the poor sweep, to show his gra- 
 titude and joy, is dressed like a 'squire of higher degree. 
 The men in office, and the men of fashion, now whirl 
 off and eagerly quit the smoky town for the charms and 
 sweets of the country — the one to dissipate the heavy 
 ennui of mental fatigue — the other to recruit health, 
 enervated in Circe's cup of Pleasure : whilst the sober 
 citizen, with his family, goes by the steamer, to take a 
 dip in Neptune's bath. The gardens now teem with 
 the most delicious marrow of the vegetable kingdom ; 
 whilst Flora unites her powers, not only to please the 
 eye, but regale the olfactory nerve with her odorific and 
 beautiful bouquets. Pan brings up the rear, and crowns 
 the summit of their bhss with the bewitching melody 
 of his reeds. In short, unless man were entirely divested 
 of gratitude for the innumerable gifts which Heaven 
 perpetually showers upon him, how happy ought he to 
 be ! — his heart should dilate with joy, and his eye sparkle 
 with delight, when Nature has so bountifully lavished 
 her choicest stores to charm every sense — 
 
 And make him ev'ry year to sing 
 The beauties of the coming Spring. 
 
48 
 SONG XII. 
 
 'Ef)t ©fietrful Opting. 
 
 Ti'NE — " Spanking Jack." 
 
 Mankind is as glum and as stupid as asses, 
 
 As though, Atlas-hke, the world was on their back. 
 
 Till Vertumnus appears ; when the rejoicing surpasses 
 A king's coronation for splendor and eclat. 
 
 With music and dancing they welcome him in ; 
 And every eye is glad to behold 
 
 The lovely green enchanting Spring- 
 Succeed old hoary Winter's cold : 
 Thus all nature looks gay ; 
 The birds sing and play; 
 And ev'ry heart its joy doth unfold. 
 
 No longer the stas; flies wretched forlorn. 
 
 Or poor puss from the copse starts forth in a fright ; 
 The rabbit and partridge lay snug in the corn ; 
 
 All basking with joy and excess of delight ; 
 Whilst the nightingale sweet warbles forth her rich song, 
 
 To enrapture the soul of the young lovely swain. 
 Or the herdsman, while driving; his cattle alonof. 
 
 Chants blithe his rough lay to fair Kate of the plain. 
 Thus all nature is gay ; 
 The birds sing and play ; 
 
 And ev'ry heart its joy doth proclaim. 
 
49 
 
 The blossoms of May soon bring forth their fruit ; 
 
 And fragrant flowers the earth does adorn ; 
 The shepherd, while tending his flock, plays his lute 
 
 To the merry hay-makers who dance round the thorn. 
 Thus man, if he enjoys sweet peace of mind. 
 
 Is bless'd to excess in Paradisiacal wealth — 
 With every luxury for nature combin'd, 
 With gay Spring,gives the world the enjoyments of health. 
 Thus every heart 
 Its bliss doth impart, 
 
 That relishes pure nature in preference to pelf. 
 
 The god of Spring was no sooner re-seated, than Po- 
 mona, the goddess of Fruits and Autumn arose, attended 
 by Ceres, the goddess of Harvest ; and Mellona, the 
 goddess of Honey. She appeared to have lived on the 
 fat of the earth ; her whole person being one composition 
 of corn, wine, and oil ; when, having made her obe- 
 dience, she spoke as follows : — 
 
 " Most paternal and bountiful Gods, my appearance 
 in the world is anxiously looked for every year, by all 
 mankind ; as their subsistence and existence depends 
 entirely upon my will and pleasure. What are the per" 
 fections and qualifications of Winter, Spring, and Sum- 
 mer, to compare to my pretensions in the eyes of its in- 
 habitants ? Not so much as a grain of sand to the globe. 
 No sooner is my arrival known to the grand universe, 
 than the farmer's heart leaps for joy, to see his yellow 
 
 D 
 
50 
 
 fields wave with plenty, and his orchards and gardens 
 swell with most delicious fruits : even the industrious 
 bee, who has toiled hard all the Summer, to extract from 
 every flower of the valley its balsamic sweets, yields up 
 to man the produce of her labour. The huntsman's bugle 
 horn now winds with unremitted ardour, whilst the bold 
 stag, fox, or timid hare, flies in all directions from the 
 cry of the hounds. The poor birds, quaking with fear, 
 hide themselves in every bush and break, from the 
 ravages of the fowler ; who, with his brother sportsmen, 
 returns triumphantly with the spoils of the field, to the 
 squire's carousing box : — there smokes the glorious 
 haunch, and all is jolhty, wit, and glee; assisted by Sir 
 John Barleycorn and his potent companions. Cyder and 
 Perry. Thus like jolly Bacchanals, with spirits light 
 and gay, they dispel the shades of night, till lovely Phoe- 
 bus calls them from the festive board, to renew the chase 
 again. What then can compare to the sweets of de- 
 licious Autumn, when she showers from her cornucopia 
 on exhausted Nature the riches of her store, and crowns 
 with peace and plenty the cottage door?" 
 
 SONG XIII. 
 
 iidiciouis Autumn* 
 
 Tune — " Sweet Robinet." 
 
 As soon as dame Autumn descends from the sky. 
 All nature rejoices her approach is so nigh ; 
 The heart of mankind is elated with glee. 
 To see all his toil crown'd with plenty by me. 
 
51 
 
 The antler'd fleet stag now flies from the copse ; 
 Or the timorous hare, or bold cunning fox ; 
 Yet though for a time afore the homids head the field. 
 In the end their sad lives must to the sport yield. 
 
 The poor frighted partridge, like a maid, flies from harm 
 To some remote vale, or far distant barn. 
 From the aim of the fowler, who takes great delight 
 To kill all the birds in amusement — not spite. 
 
 The farmer prepares a rich harvest feast. 
 To regale all his workmen like kings of the East ; 
 Not forgetting his neighbours, who rejoice, dance, & sing. 
 Success to Pomona as well as their king. 
 
 Thus the summer, tho' sweet, can with menought compare; 
 Nor shape, wit or beauty, though ever so fair ; 
 For I fill each happy heart with joy from my store. 
 And make the soul glad — can your Godships do more ? 
 
 The goddess of Autumn was succeeded by Atlas, 
 the mighty god of Strength ; who was accompanied by 
 his two gallant robust companions, Hercules and Per- 
 seus. His stature was the most gigantic and powerful 
 that conception can paint, or imagination conceive. 
 
52 
 
 When, bowing profoundly to the assembly, with sten- 
 torian lungs he spoke as follows : — 
 
 " Most mighty and wonderful Gods, at the period 
 Avhen I first visited the world, the race of men were 
 giants, renowned for war, for wisdom, and valiant heroes 
 from their youth. It was no uncommon exploit in those 
 days, for a handful of men putting a whole army to 
 flight; and it is on record, of one man slaying a thou- 
 sand with the jaw-bone of an ass ; and of another, whose 
 soul was bigger than himself, killing an enormous giant 
 with a stone. But now that heroic and marshal-like 
 spirit is extinct, or changed in the world, for the worse : 
 for the race of mankind, in general, is degenerated into 
 mere boisterous bravadoes, or insignificant effeminate 
 fops ; who have the arrogance to think themselves all- 
 sufficient in their vain ideas, and that they require no 
 assistance from me — supposing their strength and valour 
 consists in the situation of life they have had the good 
 fortune to possess ; such as noble hereditary descent, 
 or vast wealth ; when, in reality, they have no preten- 
 sions to either distinction from their own merit ; but 
 those high honors and large fortunes have fallen to 
 them by mere accident of birth, without the least su- 
 periority in talent, or exertion of faculty. — There was a 
 
 warrior in Queen • 's reign, who, by his vahant 
 
 prowess, raised himself to princely rank ; but his de- 
 scendants now possess nothing of his high military at- 
 tainments and immortalized glory; and are only known 
 from the rest of mankind by the name, title, and do- 
 mains. Thus I leave your Godships to judge of the 
 state of the universe at present; as its inhabitants de- 
 pend more on their own arts and cunning, as the prin- 
 
63 
 
 cipal source of strength to carry them through the world 
 than magnanimous and heroic deeds." 
 
 SONG XIV. 
 
 Tune — " O lord, ichat a place is a camp!" 
 
 Though I inspire mankind with strength. 
 
 Brother Mars with it nought has to do ; 
 Yet every one goes his length. 
 
 But at fighting they look rather blue. 
 Their principal might is their vice. 
 
 And bulwark of country or port. 
 Thus in manners they're not very nice. 
 
 For folly's their general forte. 
 
 Sing fol de doll, &c. 
 
 The Englishman's strength's wooden walls ; 
 
 The Irishman's, swamps and bogs ; 
 The Welchman's high hills exceed all; 
 
 The Frenchman's, soup meagre and frogs ; 
 The Spaniard's, gold and rich mines ; 
 
 The Scotchman's, crowdy and clans ; 
 The Turk's, a seraglio divine ; 
 
 The Dutchman's, hollands and dams. 
 Sing fol de doll, &.c. 
 
^4 
 
 The Rich Man's strength is his puise ; 
 
 The Poor Man's, labour and pains j 
 The Reprobate's is a curse ; 
 
 The Malicious, his ends to obtain ; 
 The Beau puts his strength in his dress ; 
 
 The Parson, in livings and tithes ; 
 The Widow, a new husband to press 
 
 Her fair hand, and dry up her eyes. 
 
 Sing fol de doll, &,c. 
 
 The Glutton's strength is a dinner ; 
 
 The Physician's strength is a fee ; 
 The Religious bigot's a sinner ; 
 
 The Bacchanal's, liqueur and glee ; 
 The Conjurer's, lies and deception ; 
 
 The Youth's in folly and whim ; 
 Thus the world is full of defection. 
 
 But Time makes them all veiy grim. 
 
 Sing fol de doll, &.c. 
 If 1 were them all to describe, 
 
 I should have enough more to do : 
 Let what's said suffice for the tribe ; 
 
 I hope you will think so too. 
 Were they but good maxims to mind ; 
 
 Place their strength in great Jove, not themselves ; 
 To vicissitudes of life be resigned ; 
 
 They'd not be such wandering elves. 
 
 Sing fol dc doll, ^c. 
 
55 
 
 The god of Strength was immediately succeeded by 
 Apollo, the sublime god of Music and Poetry. He ap- 
 pearing very young and handsome, and crowned with 
 laurel : he had only his lyre with him, having laid 
 aside his bow and arrows. His two musical brothers 
 of great notoriety, Orpheus and Amphion, accom- 
 panied him when giving two or three enchanting 
 touches on his harp, by way of prelude ; at the same 
 time gracefully bending in obeisance, he spoke as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " Most harmonic and captivating Gods, since the 
 unfortunate circumstance, the other day, in the which I 
 fell under the displeasure of my royal parent, and was 
 banished his benign presence for a time, I hope and 
 trust, from the narrative I shall be able to give of my 
 travels and success in the world, that he will be gra- 
 ciously pleased to reinstate me in his noble favor, and 
 also in the good opinion of his magnanimous court ; 
 and it will be the study of my future life to merit the 
 high condescension. You well remember, brother Gods, 
 the tremendous and terrific fall I had — at least, I shall, 
 as long as I exist. The welkin resounded like thunder, 
 and the globe shook and quaked again. At first, 1 
 thought it was my father's vengeance pursuing me : 
 but I soon recovered from my panic, when I found my- 
 self safe landed on terra Jirma. Being convinced the 
 echo and vibration proceeded from the velocity with 
 which I passed through the airy region. Well, I had the 
 good fortune (for such I must express it) to alight in a 
 rude uncouth part of the world, amongst people of very 
 simple habits and manners, whose principal occupation 
 consisted in husbandry, and attending on cattle. At 
 
56 
 
 first, no one would have any thing to say to me, but 
 stared with astonishment and fled :— and, indeed, well 
 they might, when they saw me drop from the clouds. 
 I begged, petitioned, and implored ; but all to no pur- 
 pose : at last, I bethought myself of my last and only 
 resource — the charm and power of music over the human 
 mmd. I took my instrument, and played with all my 
 skill, accompanying it with my voice. The effect it had 
 was wonderful : their fears, by degrees, vanished, and 
 they approached me closer and closer ; and in a few 
 minutes I made them all dance like mad. The tidings 
 of this extraordinary phenomenon flew like lightning 
 into the villages ; from the villages to the towns ; from 
 the towns to the cities ; and in a short time all over the 
 world : so that I was obliged to send for my brothers, 
 to assist me in my great undertaking. Our fame spread 
 far and wide. It was, who could engage us most : and 
 I am happy to say, our labours have been crowned with 
 complete success : for w^e have not only harmonized, but 
 we have been the means of civilizing the greater part of 
 the globe. Every nation now has its peculiar music 
 and native airs ; which soothe their cares, and makes 
 them all happy : and they bless the hour that chance 
 threw me amongst them — for, say they. Music speeds 
 the plough ; softens the obdurate heart ; and lulls to 
 rest the stormy passions of the soul. I therefore flatter 
 myself the histoiy I have related of my late exile, will 
 have the felicity to convince your Godships how muck 
 I have the true interest and welfare of his Majesty at 
 heart, and again restore me to his paternal arms." 
 
07 
 
 SONG XV. 
 
 Z\it l^ohjcr of iHusic* 
 
 Tune — '* When William, at Eve." 
 
 What mortal or God can resist Music's charms. 
 
 When even the savao-e rock or oak 
 Is roused by its note like a soldier to arms. 
 
 When enemies his country provoke ? 
 Thus Music, you see, animates the dull soul 
 To courage, to pleasure, or love ; 
 Like divine inspiration from Jove. 
 
 The heart of mankind from sorrow's made glad. 
 
 If I touch but a note on my lyre ; 
 The lover rejoices, though ever so sad; 
 
 Or the clown to his heart's desire. 
 Thus, &c. 
 
 Though Music hath charms no one can resist. 
 
 Yet it actuates different ways : 
 For some it lulls to perpetual rest. 
 
 And some it torments all their days : 
 Thus Music, you see, animates every soul 
 To pain, to pleasure, or love. 
 Like divine inspiration from Jove. 
 
58 
 
 Such wonders I'll do, shall astonish mankind. 
 When the king of the world gives the word ; 
 The moon turn to blood — the sun shall be bUnd — 
 
 And all nature, though gay, be absorb'd. 
 Thus, Music, you see, animates the whole world. 
 To pain, to pleasure, or love. 
 Like divine inspiration from Jove. 
 
 The dead shall be rais'd — the earth shall dissolve— 
 
 And even the heavens shall shake ; 
 When that awful day I do resolve 
 
 By trump : how the nations will quake ! 
 Thus Music, you see, shall awake every soul 
 To perdition, to pleasure, or love. 
 Like divine inspiration from Jove, 
 
 The god of Music seemed to have given universal 
 satisfaction, and was received again into royal favour 
 with tumultuous acclamations. Next to him arose Pria- 
 pus, the obscene god of Debauchery ; who at first sight 
 appeared a gay, handsome, young fellow ; but upon a 
 closer inspection, his visage bore evident marks of age; 
 being haggard, wrinkled, carbuncled, and flabby ; which 
 had been hid under a thick mask of paint, contracted 
 and accumulated from a long course of dissipation. He 
 
59 
 
 was accompanied by two dissolute companions after his 
 own heart — Lubentia, the goddess of Pleasure, and 
 Bapta, the goddess of Shame; when — having paid his 
 respects with much form and ceremony, and in a roving 
 manner glanced his eyes on the ladies — in an effemi- 
 nate voice he spoke as follows : — 
 
 " Most lewd and voluptuous gods, at my en- 
 trance into the grand universe, I thought it most 
 prudent to assume the name, character, and garb of 
 pleasure, by way of taking off that odious and scurri- 
 lous epithet and stigma so frequently attached to my 
 honorable profession, which mankind vulgarly call de- 
 bauchery ; for though mortals have the highest relish 
 or inclination for my alluring pleasures, yet they do not 
 like it to be thought so by the world, under the oppro- 
 brious appellation of debauchery. Thus, by the pleas- 
 ing title of Pleasure, I gained access into the society 
 of all ranks and degrees in life, and became the chief 
 companion of kings and princes, down to the humble 
 citizen. In this state of things I basked in excess of 
 delight ; rolling in the highest circles of fashion and 
 dissipation — keeping the grandest equipages — wore the 
 most sumptuous apparel and appendages — and lived on 
 the choicest luxuries nature and art could produce. In 
 this elevated sphere I turned night into day, and day 
 into night ; rising and breakfasting at noon, dining at 
 midnight, and spending the evening whilst the more 
 frugal and domestic part of the inhabitants, who were 
 not dupes to my snares and attractions, were lulled in 
 balmy repose. Thus I became the head of haut ton, 
 and was the principal supporter of all places of enter- 
 tainment and fashionable debauch. I introduced plays. 
 
60 
 
 operas, balls, masquerades, and notorious pandemo- 
 niums; whose votaries having sacrificed ofttimes too 
 freely at the shrine of Bacchus, became an easy prey 
 to the systematic gambler. In fact I have carried on 
 gallantry and intrigue to such a height of excess, that 
 scarce one individual thinks or minds any thing of its 
 baneful consequences, till it is too late to retrieve their 
 shattered fortunes and debilitated health. But the 
 world, even then, laughs at her own folly, and goes on 
 in her old career of dissipation, regardless of her fate, 
 not having the least shadow or sense of shame before 
 her eyes." 
 
 SONG XVI. 
 
 Tune — " Every inch a Sailor." 
 
 Debauchery of every kind 
 
 Is now the ton with all mankind ; 
 
 With young and old, with rich and poor. 
 
 This prevalent vice is grown so pure. 
 
 That I roll in luxury and ease — 
 
 Committing what excess I please 
 
 On all the world I can seduce 
 
 To Pleasure's whim ; to play the deuce. 
 
 And make them think they're not to blame. 
 
 Because they've not one spark of shame. 
 
61 
 
 In carriage gay I rove about. 
 
 To opera, ball, or faro rout ; 
 
 Or pass my time in beauty's bower. 
 
 To kill the dull, slow, pensive hour. 
 
 Thus, &c. 
 
 Flash streets parade, while Bounce looks big. 
 In whisky, curricle, or gig ; 
 And Squander spends throughout the town. 
 To kick old Hunks's money down. 
 
 Thus, Sic. 
 
 Thus half the world's so deprav'd of late. 
 They'd swear and lie for lying's sake ; 
 To traduce a neighbour, or deceive a friend ; 
 As though their vice would have no end. 
 
 Thus, &c. 
 
 The god of Debauchery was immediately succeeded 
 by Mercury, the light-fingered god of Thieves. He ap- 
 peared a slim arch youth, well adapted for his profes- 
 sion ; and was attended by Harpocrates, the god of Si- 
 lence, and sly double-face Janus; when, paying his 
 respects with a shrewd look, which expressed vast cun- 
 ning, he said : — 
 
 " Most juggling, double-face Gods, I am well aware 
 you are up to all my tricks and thievish exploits, and 
 
62 
 
 therefore it is of no use to endeavour to disguise them 
 from you : and, as such, I shall put a bold face on the 
 matter, (and the more so, as I am now your honorable 
 messenger,) and tell you what influence and success I 
 have had in the world since my departure. At first, I 
 thought I should not be able to gain over one votary to 
 my profession. x\s they were all so honest, or appeared 
 to be so, I could make no impression upon them. At 
 last, I hit upon a plan how to act, which had the desired 
 effect : the first I attacked was a Tailor, who had sworn 
 a solemn vow to Jupiter, never to purloin a bit of cab- 
 bage : but I got the better of his conscience one day, 
 as he was cutting out a remarkable fine piece of cloth, 
 of real Spanish wool ; and the fellow has been a thief 
 ever since. I then tried the Doctors : I soon got over 
 their fine feelings ; for I whispered in Gallipot's ear, 
 ' Kill the patient, and you can charge the executors 
 just what you please.' I then turned me to the Law; 
 but I found (though I did not know it at the time) the 
 major part of them had been most arrant thieves and 
 rogues all their lives. I then bethought me of the 
 Church ; but, as that is a dangerous and tender subject 
 to touch on, I shall simply say, the Parsons did not 
 thieve, because there was nothing for them to steal : but 
 I diffused a vast deal of roguery amongst them, which 
 answered the same purpose. I then turned my magical 
 powers on the Fair Sex, and soon made them every 
 thing to my mind I could wish or desire, namely — the 
 greatest coquets and imposters in love, that can be 
 imagined or conceived. They had such arts and con- 
 trivances to deceive, and steal the hearts and affections 
 of their poor silly admirers that fell in love with them, 
 
G3 
 
 that they certainly must have been blind, not to see the 
 deceptions practised on their credulity : for instead of a 
 Venus, lovely and fair, the Goddess is a complete de- 
 ception — a made-up doll, whose brilliant attractions 
 and perfections are all borrowed, with the exception of 
 her tongue, from the machinis dentist and tire-woman; 
 whose compositions she exhibits herself in ; such as false 
 eyes, hair, teeth, complexion, bosom, hips, rump, and 
 the Lord knows what besides, to the highest bidder ; 
 who flatters himself he has got a divinity. But it would 
 make your Godships crack your sides Vv^ith laughter, to 
 see these poor hood-winked devils the morning after 
 their marriage, when they have discovered, to their great 
 mortification and chagrin, only half a wife : they are 
 ready to hang themselves, when they find this idol of 
 their admiration has fallen down to the imbecile standard 
 of mortality : so they have no one to blame but them- 
 selves for being such blind fools. — I therefore will not 
 take up the time of the royal court longer; but hope 
 your Godships will give me credit for performing my 
 duty to the fullest satisfaction; as I have made the 
 whole world one common jilt, that does nothing now 
 but impose on one another." 
 
 SONG XVII. 
 
 Tune — " Ve sca}tips, ye pads, ye divers. 
 
 I AM Mercury of renown, inspirer of thieves ; 
 Both high life and low do what my pleasure please 
 
64 
 
 The less by me gets greater — the great gets greater still : 
 Thus every one's so eager of the world to have their fill. 
 With my tol de doll, 8cc. 
 
 The Statesman, the Lawyer, the Doctor and Divine, 
 Are as great rogues as any of the modern time ; 
 They impose on all the world with such sanctity of face. 
 Mankind are such dupes, they think they act with grace. 
 With my tol de doll. Sec. 
 
 The Beau cheats theTailor — the Taylor cheats the Beau; 
 Like Greek opposed to Greek, are wags alike we know : 
 The Prude treats her husband with a pair of horns ; 
 To mark him a doting fool, she soon his head adorns. 
 With my tol de doll, &c. 
 
 TheAdonis cheats the coquet. Miss Minx,her lovingspark 
 By kissing her before-hand — he thinks it is his lark ; 
 Miss Forward cheats her guardy, while fast asleep in bed. 
 And the farrier the runaways, with a long bill for the wed. 
 With my tol de doll, &c. 
 
 TheMiser starves himself to death to hoard up all hiswealth 
 While others leave no stone unturn'd to rob him of his pelf ; 
 Perhaps his son and heir, to get his father's soul. 
 Would send him to the devil without the least control. 
 With my tol de doll, &c. 
 
65 
 
 The Highwayman so bold, of all others on the lay, 
 Robs more honourable than all, tho' his life so frequent pay ; 
 Much more than pads and divers, and crackers of a house. 
 Though in their operations are as quiet as a mouse. 
 With my tol de doll, &;c. 
 
 Thus mankind throughout the world are all alike intent 
 On cozening each other, whenever chance present : 
 To do it with a grace, that the deuce can't find it out. 
 They bless their happy stars, and cry, ' Whatalucky bout!' 
 With my tol de doll, &c. 
 
 The light-fingered God was immediately succeeded 
 by Vulcan, the god of Celestial and Terrestrial Fires. 
 He appeared such an ugly, ill-shaped, black-looking 
 personage, that I wondered in myself how it were pos- 
 sible Jupiter could ever find in his heart to dub such a 
 lump of deformity a deity : but when I reflected he 
 was one of his spurious numerous offspring, it accounted 
 for it. Vesta, the goddess of Fire, and Terror the god 
 of Dread and Fear, attended him. I was, however, 
 most agreeably surprised, though his aspect was in no 
 •way prepossessing ; as he made ample amends for his 
 deficiency in figure, when he addressed their Godships: 
 for he spoke like an oracle, a speech so logical and pro- 
 found, that commanded attention and awe. Havmg 
 paid his respects to the royal court, — '' Prodigious, ter- 
 
 i: 
 
66 
 
 rific, combustible Gods," said he, " the powers that 
 your Godships have endowed me with, ought to make 
 mankind rejoice, rather than unhappy, whenever I 
 appear to them, if they give the subject the least con- 
 sideration : as it is from me they derive all the neces- 
 saries and comforts of life. I am the primiim mobile of 
 universal nature ; and without me, the world would be 
 in a state of torpor, inactivity, and barrenness ; were I 
 not to give her my vivifying and animating assistance, 
 to propel her in her course, and give the regermination 
 to vegetation ; indeed, the globe itself would be a per- 
 fect chaos ; and man, the noblest work of the Creator, 
 could not exist, deprived of his chief element and sti- 
 mulus. Yet so stupid is that animal, in general, that 
 he seldom gives to those things, which most concern 
 his vital interest, the least thought of their utility ; but 
 is terrified to death if he beholds me in any formidable 
 shape. I sometimes, not only by way of frightening, 
 but also punishing him for his disregard and unbelief, 
 set the heavens in a blaze, or blow up a city or two that 
 lies in my way : and if it were not for a few of such 
 exploits as these, I should never be known or acknow- 
 ledged by them. There are, however, some small num- 
 ber of learned and scientific men, whose deep researches 
 have penetrated into the very arcana of nature, to en- 
 deavour to enlighten the ignorant world by their expe- 
 rimental and practical knowledge in alchymy and 
 natural philosophy, and display, from the various phe- 
 nomena, the great benefits I bestow on earth, to make 
 man happy ; that it is my power which has raised the 
 fertile islands, with all their shady groves and crystal 
 springs, the flowery meads, and all Nature's rich, ma- 
 
67 
 
 jestic, grand, and stupendous productions — from the 
 diamond that glitters in the monarch's crown, to the 
 lofty rock, whose towering head touches the sky. Thus 
 does man receive from Heaven, through me, that inesti- 
 mable element, that incomprehensible soul. Fire ; w hich 
 animates and invigorates the mighty universe — man's 
 paradise on earth." 
 
 SONG XVIII. 
 
 Tune — " Greenickk Pensioner. 
 
 With vivid flash and thunder 
 
 Vulcan strikes the earth below, 
 While all the nations wonder 
 
 From whence the power flow ; 
 Not thinking that 'tis natural, 
 
 As ordain'd by Jove's decree; 
 But suppose it supernatural. 
 
 From it's roar and velocity. 
 
 Mankind should be more wise. 
 Than believe 'tis Jove that speaks, 
 
 When thunders rend the skies. 
 Or tremendous volcanos break. 
 
68 
 
 Though awfully grand the sound, 
 
 'Tis only to clear the air 
 Of the noxious vapours found 
 
 Hov'ring in the atmosphere. 
 
 Which if they are not dispell'd. 
 
 How would gentle showers fall. 
 To nourish the earth, and yield 
 
 Its bounty to us all ; 
 Bringing forth herbs, fruits, and flowers; 
 
 Bestowing rosy health 
 On Nature's lovely bowers — 
 
 Man's happiness and wealth. 
 
 Thus if the world, like astronomers. 
 
 Were to study the natural cause, 
 They then, as true philosophers. 
 
 Would meet with Jove's applause : 
 Whose power orders every system. 
 
 For the benefit of man. 
 To revolve in regular succession 
 
 Throughout the annual plan. 
 
 This incomprehensible brazen god of Fire and Thun- 
 der-bolts was immediately succeeded by Medea, a most 
 noted sorceress. She was attended by two beautiful fe- 
 
69 
 
 male companions, perfect divinities in appearance, named 
 Circe and Bithyse, that were as great mistresses in the 
 art and mystery of Witchcraft as herself. I really 
 thought, when her name and qualification, and those of 
 her suit, were first announced, I should have seen a set 
 of ugly, wrinkled old hags, full of acrimony and spleen ; 
 but, on the contrary, I was most agreeably surprised 
 and delighted ; for they formed a trio of beauty and 
 elegance, that could not be surpassed by Juno, Venus, 
 or Diana. Medea having paid her respects to the royal 
 court, in a most graceful and engaging manner, ad- 
 dressed the assembly in a voice so truly enchanting and 
 harmonious, that I found her magical power over me, 
 irresistible. 
 
 " Most surprising and bewitching Gods," said she, 
 " so exceeding weak and superstitious is the intellect 
 and imagination of man, that at my first entrance into 
 the world no one would admit me into so much as a 
 barn belonging to them, much less into their presence ; 
 under the absurd notion, that it was through me their 
 cattle died ; their pigs danced ; their wives and daugh- 
 ters went astray; and children cast up crooked pins. 
 So, to prevent or avert my diabolical power, as they 
 foolishly thought it, they set up a horse-shoe at the 
 threshold of every door ; or laid two straws across, as a 
 bar to my entering the house : — nay, even the birch 
 broom was hid, to prevent my riding on it through 
 the air. But latterly, mankind have thrown off those 
 bigotted and ridiculous opinions, since the Cock-lane 
 ghost and Stockwell apparition made their exits : though, 
 in reality, I bewitch them a thousand times more 
 than ever I did. For instance, the sedate religious dc- 
 
70 
 
 votee, whom you would suppose could not look a girl 
 in the face, goes from home with a resolved determina- 
 tion to go to chapel ; but in his way thither, he casts 
 his eyes on some fascinating angelic creature that comes 
 in his way : that instant his heart gets bewitched, and 
 the chapel may be burnt for him, so long as he can 
 obtain the object of his admiration. The beardless sprig 
 of fashion and dissipation, goes to kill time at those 
 notorious haunts of infamy and ruin, those newly sprung 
 up club-houses, or gaming hells ; where the vice of play, 
 with all its train of concomitant horrors, is carried on to 
 the acme of destruction, by every species of alluring infa- 
 tuation. His luck gets bewitched ; and before he leaves 
 the table, not only his ready cash, but too frequently 
 his fortune and life are lost ; as by his folly and indis- 
 cretion he is driven to misery and despair. The valiant 
 warrior thinks to conquer all before him, because of his 
 vast and well-disciplined army : he comes to an en- 
 gagement — unforeseen obstacles present themselves — 
 his troops are bewitched, get dismayed, and either run 
 away, or circumstances compel him to make a disgrace- 
 ful treaty. The lawyer and physician will pretend their 
 whole endeavour and professional skill is for the benefit 
 of their respective clients or patients ; but the real fact 
 is, their principal aim is to bewitch the money out of 
 the pockets of their too credulous dupes. Thus this 
 one thing, money, is the devil, that actuates and be- 
 witches all mankind : — but as there is no rule, they say, 
 without an exception, I have one to mention, (which 
 I think your Godships will all agree with me), that 
 bewitches and captivates the senses and imagination 
 of man to extacy of delight— raising his heart above 
 
71 
 
 the power of sordid earthly attraction. Know, then, 
 it is music — heavenly music : her charms, no power or 
 mortal of intellectual sensibility, can resist. Strike up, 
 then, my dear Apollo ! and let thy matchless harmonic 
 band transport my soul to regions of bliss !" 
 
 SONG XIX. 
 
 ^ititcjcxaft. 
 
 Tune—" Marlborough." 
 
 Witchcraft, some time ago, 
 
 Disturb'd the people so, 
 
 I thought all mad would go 
 
 To find a conjurer out. 
 
 To be sure it would surprise. 
 
 To see the dead arise ; 
 
 Or ghosts and apparitions to talk ; 
 
 Or barrels and clocks to walk ; 
 
 Or broomsticks for to stalk 
 
 The house all round about. 
 
 That was the age of wonder : 
 But now that simple blunder 
 Is entirely put under 
 By conjurers more sage. 
 
72 
 
 Who don't delude the throng 
 With such an idle song ; 
 Like those in former days. 
 Who received unbounded praise. 
 The devil to lay or raise. 
 When the deuce a devil raged. 
 
 The Witchcraft of the times 
 Is money, love, or wine ; 
 That bewilders every mind 
 Of conjurers of the day. 
 Who scarce believe a God 
 Exists — much less a hobgob j 
 Attributing all to Nature, 
 As the source of every creature. 
 That's all I can relate, sire. 
 Of Witchcraft's wonderful sway. 
 
 Midas, who possessed that great and inestimable 
 magnet of attraction, the philosopher's stone, imme- 
 diately succeeded the goddess of Witchcraft : his aspect 
 was a compound of gravity and frivolity ; but, with all 
 his disguise, (for he wore an enormous Brutus,) he could 
 not hide his ears, which protruded themselves through 
 the sides of his wig, and were of a prodigious size : ne- 
 vertheless, I found more sense and experience in him 
 
73 
 
 than I had given him credit for. He was attended by 
 the goddesses. Fortune and Envy ; and for this reason — 
 because riches generally excite envy. Having with 
 much formaUty paid his respects, he began £s fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " Most scientific and mysterious Gods, it would give 
 me great pleasure if, like Asmodeus, by drawing up 
 the curtain of human life, I could exhibit to the sight 
 of this royal court, at one view, the various ridiculous 
 scenes which presented themselves in the world, to 
 mine, of the extreme folly of mankind in their pursuit 
 after the philosopher's stone — to enrich themselves at 
 once, without further trouble. I am sure your God- 
 ships would have been highly delighted at their futile 
 attempts to obtain the secret, which you all know no 
 know one possesses but myself — the power of trans- 
 muting everything I touch to gold. For, after racking 
 their brains, and sweating and toiling, day and night, 
 over huge furnaces, to obtain their object, they were 
 just as near at the year's end as when they first began 
 their experiments : so that my arrival was no sooner 
 known on earth, than its inhabitants hailed it with 
 great joy ; as they thought they should then soon be- 
 come as wise and rich as myself : and it was, who could 
 show me the greatest attentions and politeness, to get 
 possession of this magical stone, had I been fool enough 
 to comply with their desires. But, with all their pre- 
 tended kindness and civility to gain on my good nature, 
 I could plainly perceive it was to answer their own sor- 
 did ends, and not out of any love or regard towards my 
 person. I therefore resolved to leave them in the blessed 
 state of ignorance I found them in ; and to quit tlic 
 
74 
 
 world immediately. This coming to the knowledge of the 
 posse comitatus, by what means I know not ; nor do I 
 accuse any one : but I think Mercury must have had a 
 hand in it, from what followed ; for before I could make 
 arrangements for my departure, numberless obstacles 
 were thrown in my way to detain me, in order to get 
 possession of this valuable jewel at any rate. But I was 
 not to be bamboozled ; and gave them to understand I 
 was not the ass they took me for. At this rebuke, they, 
 out of revenge, turned their thoughts to do something 
 for themselves, by art and cunning, to produce the de- 
 sired effect, and answer the same purpose : and, indeed, 
 (to speak the truth, and give the devil his due,) they 
 have succeeded far beyond either my expectation, or 
 their own, to the very pinnacle of their ambition — for 
 mankind is now grown wise, rich, fat, and luxurious, by 
 the various methods, schemes and inventions they have 
 adopted, and which they now unceasingly practise with 
 all the energy and ingenuity they are masters of; su- 
 perseding, in future, any further occasion for the ma- 
 gical power of the philosopher's stone." 
 
 SONG XX. 
 
 Ti;ne — " Mind, hussij, uhat you do." 
 
 Philosophers, of every age 
 Till late years, I've been told. 
 
 Were never known sufficient sage 
 To turn cv'ry thing to gold. 
 
75 
 
 But now mankind so wise is grown. 
 
 If you were but to walk the town. 
 
 Or gad about to ball or rout. 
 
 You'd find the sharp and cunning out; 
 
 Who would trick and turn you in a trice. 
 
 Though ever so wise or bold ; 
 And gain your credulity at their price. 
 
 And turn it into gold. 
 
 The courtier fawns to gain his ends ; 
 
 The fop puffs off his shape ; 
 The muckworm scarce a penny spends ; 
 
 The black-leg looks sedate ; 
 The ladies, to play off their charms 
 
 To the highest bidders, lovers' arms ; 
 Or ogle all at play or ball. 
 
 To drain the purses of them all. 
 Thus, like a bravo, eveiy soul 
 
 In the world is grown so bold, 
 They'd sink you to the devil without control. 
 
 To turn you into gold. 
 
 Philosophers are tigers now 
 
 That prey on all mankind ; 
 For not an art or scheme they know. 
 
 But flats are sure to find. 
 
7Q 
 
 They practise every where, to drain 
 The dupe's pocket of his golden grain. 
 
 By whim, or pleasure, vice, or folly. 
 
 The magnet to decoy poor simple Johnny : 
 This is the stone philosophy. 
 
 So mysterious to unfold. 
 That gives the world such power, you see. 
 
 Of turning all to gold. 
 
 The next that succeeded the god of Philosophy was 
 Charon, the renowned ferryman of hell : he had a 
 ruddy, chubby face; but rather indicating to ferocity 
 and surprise ; with a long, shaggy beard ; and his 
 limbs were much deformed and contracted, apparently 
 from hard labour. He was attended by two well-known 
 characters, named Ixion and Sisyphus ; for whom, from 
 motives of compassion, he had obtained from Pluto a 
 cessation of toil on that day, by way of holyday. Having, 
 in a very uncouth style, paid his respects to the court, 
 he began as follows : — 
 
 " Most hard-worked and tormented Gods, it would 
 be presumptuous in me to pretend to give, from my 
 own personal knowledge, the smallest account of the 
 state of the world ; as my abode in it was of so short a 
 duration : for my principal object in going thither, was 
 merely as people go to the country, or watering places, 
 for a little recreation and fresh air ; so that the informa- 
 tion I am enabled to lay bcfoie your Godships arises 
 
77 
 
 more in the way of my profession, tlian from any oc- 
 currence that came under my observation during my 
 stay. Having so much business on my hands, I was 
 obUged to return, as soon as possible, to my employ- 
 ment : there I toil and drudge from morning to night, 
 without the least intermission : — not but I well know it 
 brings grist to my master's mill almost faster than he 
 knows what to do with it, or where to stow the rubbish 
 that is hourly pouring in upon him. Yet I recollect 
 the epoch, when I have staid for a whole day together, 
 and not had more than one fare all the time : but that 
 was when true piety and virtue reigned throughout the 
 world. So that master began to despair, seeing that his 
 dominion, and power was likely to be at an end ; and 
 he instantly dispatched his diabolical emissaries all over 
 the world, to spread the contagious flame of vice and 
 irreligion as much as possible. Accordingly, they had 
 not been long on earth, before they soon found out the 
 extreme weaknesses and propensities of mankind — how 
 easy they were to be led astray by the false representa- 
 tion of happiness and show of gaiety. So, availing 
 themselves of the opportunity that presented itself, 
 immediately set up, and opened, all kind of places of 
 entertainment for the encouragement of vice, under the 
 appellation of pleasure and pastime, as a relaxation 
 from the cares of the world, to draw them from the path 
 of virtue and rectitude. This had the desired effect ; 
 and in a short time nearly turned the heads of the whole 
 mass of population, from sedateness and rationality to 
 carelessness, bigotry, and folly : so that religion is now 
 become a mere cloak, to impose on one another. Thus, 
 in consequence of the power of Lucifer over the senses 
 
78 
 
 and actions of mankind, by his bewitching spells, the 
 shades and spirits of mortals come in such gluts, that I 
 have frequently been in fear of my boat sinking. But 
 what is most extraordinary, and makes me often very 
 merry at their expence, is to see the consternation and 
 grimace of my passengers ; for they cannot believe their 
 own eyes, even when they are in my wherry — still 
 thinking they are on the road to heaven, and chatter- 
 ing so loud of their charity, piety, faith, virtue, and con- 
 scientiousness, and in fact all their good actions ; but 
 the devil a bit do you hear any thing of their bad ones — 
 no, no, not a word : ' Then,' says 1, ' my good people, you 
 have made a woful mistake, somehow or other ; — this 
 is the highway to hell, and not to heaven.' At this, it 
 would make an Egyptian mummy jump out of its skin, 
 to see their affectation and surprise. Some pretend to 
 be fainting ; others are sea-sick ; and some smell worse 
 than a badger ; and all at the thoughts of Tartarus 
 for their past infernal actions, when they have been 
 labouring so hard all their lives long to obtain so envi- 
 able and desirable a situation, by all the devilish pranks 
 they could invent. However, I soon landed them, to 
 their comfort and consternation, and put off again for 
 more. ' Egad !' says I to myself, 'I've a precious 
 time of it — here is all the world and his wife a-coming ! 
 What I no cessation night nor day ! Damme, I don't 
 know who the devil would be a devil, now-a-day.' 
 Mercy upon me, how the strand is thronged again with 
 horrid spectres, and ghastly ghosts ! — how my ears are 
 stunned with the cry of, 'Waterman! waterman !' 'Who 
 are ye — who are ye, you ragamuffin crew V says I. We 
 are devout Jews, Turks, Christians, Mahometans, Pa- 
 
79 
 
 gans. Catholics, Methodists, Presbyterians, Anabaptists, 
 Freethinkers, Jumpers, Quakers, Deists, Sec. Sec.' * Aye, 
 aye,' says I, ' I see what you all are : you are a set of 
 damned atheists ; — you never believed there was a God, 
 
 much less a devil : but I'll be d d if I dont soon 
 
 bring you to old Lucifer himself — ha! ha! ha!' This 
 is the fatal end of all that do not attend to the com- 
 mandments of Jove, and walk in the paths of virtue and 
 truth !" 
 
 SONG XXI. 
 
 Tune—" FkhUe a little." 
 
 Old Charon tugs from morn to nig-ht 
 
 Without the least intermission. 
 To bring worldly sinners, in a fright. 
 
 To hell with expedition. 
 Before Beelzebub, their prince of sin. 
 
 To suffer shame. 
 
 Torment and blame. 
 For vice he seduced them in, 
 
 Against Jove, on high. 
 
 Whom they defy. 
 And set his laws at nought ; 
 
 But now damn themselves 
 
 For stupid elves. 
 While I laugh to see them caught. 
 
80 
 
 But Nick shews them the way, 
 Where soul and body pay 
 
 For every v;icked sin : — 
 For lying a little — for swearing a little — 
 For cheating; a little — for thievino- a little — 
 For praying a little, and pimping a little — 
 
 To please their devilish whim. 
 
 'Twould make you stare to see what gluts 
 
 I every hour take over 
 Of Christians, Jews, Turks, and hypocrites, 
 And some that's ne'er one nor the other. 
 They hail my boat with such a toss. 
 
 And grimace and leer. 
 
 With ghastly air. 
 As I ferry them across : 
 
 Then down below 
 
 They headlong go. 
 Ne'er more to rise again ; 
 
 But gnash their teeth, 
 
 For disbelief. 
 With everlasting pain : 
 
 But Nick soon shows the way 
 
 Where, &c. 
 
 If you were there this sight to see, 
 'Twould make your blood run cold ; 
 
81 
 
 Which I pray to Jove may never be, 
 For Indian mines of gold ; 
 
 For if mankind were to consider 
 What's vice or pleasure. 
 Or the richest treasure, 
 To endless flames for ever, 
 To be lash'd and scourg'd 
 By fiends immerg'd 
 
 In perdition's dreadful woe ; 
 
 Rejected by Heaven, 
 Ne'er to be forgiven, 
 
 For being Heaven's foe. 
 
 Thus vice leads to the way. 
 Where soul and body pay 
 For every wicked sin : — 
 
 For lying, &c. 
 
 Charon, the ferryman, having resumed his seat, was 
 immediately succeeded by ^Eolus, the god of the Winds. 
 He appeared a most powerful deity, and next in conse- 
 quence and state to Jupiter himself. Neptune, the 
 mighty god of the Ocean ; and Vibilia, the goddess and 
 protectoress of Wanderers, attended him ; when, having 
 paid his respects to the throne, in a voice that broke on 
 the ear like peals of thunder, though with great affa- 
 bility in his demeanour, addressed the august assembly 
 as follows : 
 
82 
 
 " Most noble Gods, rulers of the elements and pas- 
 sions of man, on my entrance into the grand universe, 
 I found mankind so extremely whimsical and capricious 
 in their dispositions and imaginations, that I could 
 compare them to nothing so much as to the element his 
 Majesty has been pleased to give me the prerogative and 
 control over. Nay, they even exceed the winds in 
 changeability, by such sudden gusts of irregularity, that 
 you would swear, at times, they were mad. For let the 
 mind of man be ever so tranquil and serene, enjoying all 
 the happiness and pleasure his heart can desire, or the 
 world bestow — yet, in one moment, without the least 
 preparatory for the turn of a straw, his passions are roused 
 like a tempestuous wind, or boisterous sea, with ungo- 
 vernable emotions — the rudder of wisdom having no 
 effect — but hurrying on the weak deluded intellect as a 
 defenceless bark on the foaming billows of a tremendous 
 storm, till it is either cast away on the quicksands of 
 false honor or licentious love, or dashed to pieces on 
 the destructive rocks of ruin and shame. Thus is man 
 actuated as fortune or whim blows the various gales of 
 life. Now, it is really almost too contemptible, please 
 your Majesty, and beneath the dignity your Majesty 
 has invested me with, to hint at their insane singulari- 
 ties, much less to mention them : only that it becomes 
 necessary for my justification, as well as explanation to 
 this royal court, to state how I passed my time ; that 
 these puffed-up boasters — these demi-gods — should not 
 glory in their supposed strength, and carry off the palni 
 of victory, my just right, by triumphing in their weak- 
 .ness, when they ought to give me the praise and glory 
 that is due to my high rank and station, for forbearance 
 
and kind offices — when their very existence emanates, 
 is upheld, and depends on me — were they to reflect 
 on this, their lofty crest and flighty passions would sink 
 into oblivion, whenever the fit was about to seize on 
 them ; and they would then have a sensibility of their 
 own insignificance compared to my mighty power and 
 influence over all creation, and acknowledge my supe- 
 riority — that nothing that has life could exist without 
 my aid ; well knowing that I am the vital spring of 
 universal nature, and fill all space — that the celestial 
 as well as terrestrial bodies require my animating, in- 
 vigorating breath to give them life and motion — that it 
 is my power that sustains the mighty universe — that it 
 was my power that drew from chaos the countless mil- 
 lions of worlds the eye beholds in the expanded arch of 
 heaven, placed them in their respective orbits, and pro- 
 pels them in their courses to this hour. That wonder- 
 ful abyss, the stupendous deep, Neptune's vast empire, 
 would cease to roll, and become a stagnant, putrid gulph, 
 and all her finny tribes, from the huge Leviathan to the 
 humble shrimp, swim no more,, were T not 
 
 To fan the gentle breeze, 
 
 Or blow the briskful gale ; 
 To swell the silver wave, 
 
 And fill the bended sail. ' 
 
 The fertile globe, the Earth, that most bounteous, pro- 
 lific w'omb of Nature, no longer yield her rich, luxuriant, 
 nutritious fruits for sustenance to mankind ; but all had 
 been one barren heath ; and her delightful vales, which 
 were wont to ring with the voice of gladness, and the 
 enchantino- notes of the feathered songster ; whilst the 
 happy swain, tired with his daily labour, enjoys my 
 
84 
 
 cool, refreshing zephyrs, that play around his head as 
 he recHnes on mossy bank beside his humble cot ; where, 
 listening to the sweet accents of love, or shepherd's 
 pipe, he forgets his toils. Thus man, though last, not 
 least, in his Maker's estimation — his grandest, noblest 
 master-piece of all creation — without my salubrious 
 breath, had returned to his parent-clay again. But, 
 taking into consideration the imbecility of the world 
 without my aid, I have compassion on her and all that 
 is therein — exerting at all times my utmost efforts, in 
 conjunction with Neptune, for her benefit and advantage 
 — to promote her industry, to protect and encrease her 
 commerce, and every blessing that lays in my power to 
 bestow — w^hilst Vibilia is not behind-hand in rendering 
 her assistance to guard and cheer the weary traveller 
 and benighted wanderer on his way through his laby- 
 rinth of adventures, and restore him safe to his native 
 home. 
 
 SONG XXII. 
 
 'Eit l^lcagurcgs of il^ome* 
 
 Tune — *' Top-sail shivers, Sfc." 
 
 I BLOW high, blow low, the tempest steer 
 
 On land as well as sea ; 
 Make every heart to quake with fear. 
 
 That does not value me : 
 
85 
 
 But those who do, 
 
 I love most true. 
 And protect them from all dire alarm ; 
 
 To return once more 
 
 To freedom's shore. 
 Safe from every harm. 
 
 The Sailor ploughs the roaring main. 
 
 In hope that he, one day. 
 For toil shall reap the golden grain. 
 Ne'er more to go to sea. 
 
 Then with joy he views 
 The mount's blue hue, 
 Or the lovely cot his Poll adorns ; 
 As there from strife 
 He's moor'd for life. 
 Safe from every storm. 
 
 The Soldier treads a foreign land 
 
 To revenge his country's cause ; 
 'Till every foe that made a stand. 
 He subdues to revere her laws. 
 Then with joy he returns, 
 Whilst his bosom burns 
 With ardent love for his Sally's charms 
 As there from strife 
 He's canton'd for life. 
 Free from War's alarms. 
 
86 
 
 The Merchant runs most hazard oft 
 
 Any that plough the main ; 
 But yet the cherub that sits aloft 
 Brings him safe back again. 
 
 With cargo rare 
 
 Of dainty ware. 
 To add to the world a greater zest. 
 
 And then from strife 
 
 He lives a life 
 Of happiness and rest. 
 
 Thus every soul from pole to pole. 
 
 That's driven by wind or tide. 
 In temper or elements uncontrol'd, 
 I'd wish them for to glide 
 
 In some smooth stream. 
 
 Where more serene, 
 Man jogs through hfe with greater case 
 
 Not to soar in height 
 
 Above their might. 
 Lest they are lost in storms or seas. 
 
 The god of the Winds having taken his seat, Som- 
 nus, the torpid god of Sleejs, next arose, apparently as 
 though just aroused from a drowsy sleep. Morpheus, 
 
87 
 
 the god of Dreams, and a Genii, attended on him ; 
 when, having' paid his respects to the throne in a kind 
 of half-and-half sort of way, between sleep and awake, 
 after a few yawns, he began as follows : — 
 
 " Most lethargic and visionary Gods, since my egress 
 into the habitable globe, my mission to influence man- 
 kind has succeeded to the utmost of my most sanguine 
 wishes, even beyond my expectation : for so great is my 
 magical power now grown in the grand universe, that I 
 can throw all nature, but particularly the human species, 
 into a state of insensibility as long, and whenever I 
 please. Thus I make man, as the saying goes, not live 
 above half his days — the other half being consumed or 
 passed away by the power of my enchanting sceptre, 
 which throws a veil or imaginary vision over the senses 
 of delusive pleasures or propensities, by flattering the 
 vanity or inclination that is most congenial to the feeling 
 and desire of the individual ; bewildering his weak in- 
 tellect with chimeras of the most extravasant nature 
 and tendency possible, so as to cause him to believe the 
 illusions he beholds as real and substantial, when, in 
 fact, they are nothing but deception. The rest of the 
 world, both animal and vegetable, I cause to enjoy their 
 natural repose. But man must do something out of 
 nature to signalize himself from the rest of creation — 
 I mean the rich and great, or those men that have no- 
 thing to do but kill time, or exist by their wits ; whose 
 brains are continually on the rack of invention, to know 
 how to live, or what to do with themselves. These 
 gentry, to exhibit their supposed pre-eminence over the 
 sober and middling classes of society, turn day into 
 night — retiring to rest, when the nlorious sun is break- 
 
88 
 
 ing forth to adorn the heavens with his splendor — whilst 
 the more useful part of mankind are aroused to their 
 various occupations and pursuits of industry, having 
 enjoyed sweet repose and pleasant dreams, as I always 
 guard and protect them throughout the night by ray 
 most faithful and ever valuable servant the good Genii ► 
 
 SONG XXIII. 
 
 Tine — " O the foolish marriage vow." 
 
 When sable night the world o'er spread. 
 
 And lovely Nature lays absorb 'd, 
 1 number mortals with the dead ; 
 
 And before their eyes' imagination record 
 Some to golden dreams or dreams of love ; 
 
 Some of ghosts or hobgoblin; 
 Some pay their court to me as Jove, 
 
 Whilst others enjoy pleasure, sport, or whim. 
 Thus I represent, by visionary spell. 
 
 The alluring follies of the day. 
 Or what deed or thought in man excel. 
 
 As in balmy sleep profound he lays : 
 
 The Lover dreams he has his lass ; 
 
 The Miser that he's lost his pelf: 
 The Justice, though he's quite an ass. 
 Dreams no one's so learned as himself; 
 
89 
 
 The Warrior dreams he's in battle slain ; 
 
 The Coward that he's won the cause ; 
 The brave Jack Tar, he boldly maintains 
 
 His Country's honor, and her laws. 
 Thus I represent, &c. 
 
 The Glutton dreams he's at a feast; 
 
 The Physician that he fingers the fee ; 
 The learned Serjeant he's daub'd in the fist. 
 
 To make the cause slip easy, you see ; 
 The Rustic dreams he's at a fair ; 
 
 The Gamester that he's made a purse ; 
 The Coquet dreams there's none so fair. 
 
 Or beautiful in the universe. 
 
 Thus I represent, Sec. 
 
 The world is such, that ev'ry one dreams, 
 
 Now, according as his int'rest lay : 
 Thus the poor man to the rich man leans. 
 
 Whilst he so mighty rules the sway; 
 To influence all the world to him. 
 
 As though he was a king or god ; 
 Like slaves to obey his capricious whim ; 
 
 To be always ready at his nod. 
 Thus I represent, &c 
 
90 
 
 The god of Repose was next succeeded by Aganippe, 
 goddess of the Fountain of Inspiration which flows from 
 Mount Hehcon. She was attended by Melpomene and 
 ThaHa, the Muses of Tragedy and Comedy ; whose con- 
 trast rather surprised me, when I found they both drank 
 from the same lucid, bewitching stream : but I soon 
 discovered it distributed different gifts, according to the 
 dispositions or qualifications of its votaries. She ap- 
 peared a lady-like Goddess, with a most affable and 
 agreeable mien ; when, having paid her devoirs to the 
 throne, she addressed the learned assembly as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " Most sublime and imaginary Gods, I had not long 
 entered the grand universe, before I found mankind to 
 be an odd, strange sort of animal ; head-strong, ill- 
 conditioned, selfish, quarrelsome, and as illiterate and 
 stupid as the ass ; with as little notion of raising his 
 thoughts above the surface of the Earth, as that brute — 
 with the exception of a low cunning which they pos- 
 sessed to an eminent degree, to impose on one another. 
 In this state they would have continued, till death had 
 finished their miserable existence ; had I not taken 
 compassion on them, and invited them to drink of the 
 waters of my inspiring spring ; which having once 
 tasted, your Godships would have been astonished to 
 see the vast alteration and effect it made in a short 
 time on their manners, language, readiness of thought, 
 and expanded ideas : indeed, you would have taken 
 them for a different order of beings ; for, from the dull 
 stupid creatures they were before, they emerged at 
 once to the sprightly and gay, full of mirth, vivacity, 
 and wit ; with all the elegance and grace of accom- 
 
91 
 
 plished scholars, orators, and poets ; and which change 
 has since raised up a lasting monument of the powers 
 of genius and science, to adorn the grand universe, and 
 hand down to posterity its exalted excellence. Every 
 house now teemed with musical and poetical effusions : 
 and this new improvement, which was intended for 
 their benefit, would probably have put a stop to all 
 husbandry and manual labour, for the sustenance of the 
 world ; as no one, in a short time, would have tilled the 
 PTound or brewed the ale, had I not hit on an expe- 
 dient to make different degrees amongst them ; which 
 had the desired effect of remedying the evil which was 
 likely to have desolated the world. For every one, 
 from the school-boy to the ploughman, was intoxicated 
 with the mania : so that we had poets of all denomina- 
 tions, both tragical and comical, from the laureat 
 royal to the Grub-street bard; there were the epic, 
 heroic, dramatic, elegiac, descriptive, epistolatory, 
 pastoral, and a great many more j but, to say the 
 truth, although divided classically into so many parts, 
 very few came up to the true standard of either : but I 
 flattered them all, making them truly happy with them- 
 selves ; and, as such, keep upon good terms with every 
 degree. For too many think, because they sip a httle 
 of my enchanting beverage, they are inspired and per- 
 fect masters of the poetic art, capable to perform any 
 difficult task ; but your Godships know to the contrary, 
 that unless men are born poets, it is not their drinking 
 of my waters will make them so ; though they acquire 
 a trifling smattering, and may superficially pass, in the 
 society of those that know no better, as extraordinary 
 ,and surprising prodigies : but only let them be put to 
 
92 
 
 the test of examination of some of my choice critics, 
 who have drank deep of my animating spirit to imbibe 
 knowledge, and they will soon turn them up, as you 
 would select a white crow from a black one. Thus 
 have I gone on from day to day; and am, in conse- 
 quence, esteemed and caressed by them all. But there 
 is a matter of great importance, and which requires 
 your Godships interference, to put a stop to by the 
 strong arm of power, or in a short time we shall have no 
 poets at all. There are a set of unprincipled knaves in 
 the world ; fellows that fatten and live by other men's 
 works, and who claim all the merit of the performance 
 to themselves, when they have robbed the poor bard of 
 his labours by every mean, contemptible artifice in 
 their power ; and which, to my certain knowledge I 
 could enumerate countless instances of. But I will not 
 take up the valuable time of this august assembly, 
 by intruding longer on your Godships kind indulgence, 
 than to state a few glaring facts, well known in the 
 literary world as common occurrences that take place 
 almost daily, and which may be relied upon as indispu- 
 table truths of these marauders or jackals, who are the 
 base hirelings of some managers of theatres, and pub- 
 lishers of periodical and daily prints, who make it a 
 profession, and get a handsome livelihood, by surrepti- 
 tiously and artfully getting into their possession the 
 productions of the poor bard's brains ; and frequently 
 under the plausible pretext of rendering him a service. 
 But alas ! alas ! the world may be at an end before he, 
 poor devil, receives any remuneration for his genius, 
 or ever gets his manuscript out of their hands, until 
 they have abstracted all the pith that is answerable to 
 
93 
 
 their purpose ; and then they return his performance as 
 imbecile — not hitting the taste of the town ; when, in 
 a short space of time, to his great mortification, sur- 
 prise, and astonishment, he sees its appearance in the 
 world disguised under a new title and authorship— 
 whilst its true parent is either starving in his garret, or 
 lingering out a wretched and miserable existence in a 
 jail : thus merit too often gets rewarded. But I trust 
 your Godships will not suffer these invaders — these sa- 
 crilegious robbers of the Muses and private property, 
 to go unpunished; but that you will make an example 
 of them suitable to the enormity of the offence, as a 
 warning to all future literary plunderers, who shall dare 
 to enrich themselves, clandestinely, at the expence of 
 talented men's mental abilities : — for, as a most eminent 
 and celebrated bard has observed, and which speaks 
 volumes of truths, and with whose sentiments I shall 
 conclude : — 
 
 " He that steals my purse, steals trash ; 
 " But he that robs me of my good name, 
 " And intellectual fame, 
 " Leaves me poor indeed !" 
 
 SONG XXIV. 
 
 JEmaginarg Itnofcolclrgc. 
 
 Tune — " Saturday Night." 
 
 Imagination now in the world bears mighty sway; 
 For not a mortal on the globe but by it's powers stray ; 
 
94 
 
 By flighty whim and fancy, to regions far above, 
 Their comprehensive ideas to trace the source they love. 
 Yet every soul. 
 From pole to pole. 
 Imagines his knowledge bears the bell ; 
 In scientific. 
 Or hieroglyphic. 
 All other wits excel : 
 And for quickness of thought, flatter themselves. 
 Have got inspiration's spell. 
 
 Each city, town, and village, without exaggeration. 
 Swarms, like a hive, with poets of all denomination ; 
 There's historical, allegorical, and astrological besides. 
 With lyrical, satirical, and imaginary scribes : 
 Who my power invoke. 
 To play the joke 
 On all the world, heaven, earth, or hell ; 
 That are dupes enough 
 To swallow their stuff; 
 Thinking their knowledge all others excel : 
 Because they puff in their mighty works. 
 They've got inspiration's spell. 
 
 Thus all the world alike are poets in their turns. 
 Actuated by inspiration, as inclination burns ; 
 
95 
 
 By love, beauty, wit, or nature ; by sorrow or tragedy ; 
 By joy, hope, fame, or flattery ; by music, or comedy. 
 Thus ev'ry soul. 
 From pole to pole. 
 At times in fancy all others excel ; 
 When whims prevail, 
 To fill the sail 
 Of conception's lofty swell ; 
 Every one for ideas flatters himself 
 He has got inspiration's spell. 
 
 The goddess of Inspiration was immediately suc- 
 ceeded by Pluto, the renowned god of the Infernal Re- 
 gions. He appeared like a fieiy meteor, in one blaze 
 from top to toe ; so red-hot, that I began to be alarmed 
 lest he should set the royal court in a flame, and reduce 
 to ashes Jupiter's splendid temple in the conflagration. 
 But when I saw no ignition took place, and his person 
 also did not consume away, but that he sat as plea- 
 santly and comfortable, as any of his compeers, my fears 
 subsided ; and, like the flimsy fabric of a dream, in- 
 stantly vanished into air. He was accompanied by 
 Proserpine, his lovely and beautiful queen ; and Minos, 
 his principal judge ; when, having paid his respects to 
 the throne in an impressive and pathetic manner, he 
 addressed their Godships as follows : — 
 
 " Most debased, ill-used, and degraded Gods, having 
 received his Majesty's commands to visit the grand uni- 
 
96 
 
 verse ; to examine into the state of the world ; and to 
 exercise, if necessary, my diabolical schemes and ma- 
 chinations on its inhabitants ; I thought it most ad- 
 visable to call a council of my peers, to devise the best 
 ways and means for that purpose. Accordingly, after 
 a long and warm debate, it was unanimously decided 
 and recommended I should ascend from my volcanic 
 empire, not in my propria persona, but in disguise ; lest 
 my appearance should do more harm than good, by 
 frightening; and alarmino- mankind, and thus defeat the 
 object I had in view. But then the difficulty that pre- 
 sented itself to surmount, was in what form it would be 
 best or most suitable to make my entree : for, from 
 thousands of opinions, none could be elicited without 
 the exception, that to assume any heterogeneous shape, 
 would the sooner lead to my discovery, and possibly 
 cause me to be driven back, or kicked out with shame 
 and disgrace. So, as I had the power of invisibility 
 and could fly on the wings of the wind, I instantly de- 
 termined to take no peculiar semblance ; but trust to 
 chance, and take advantage as circumstances and op- 
 portunity might offer for my acceptance; as by that 
 means I should be prepared at all times for the worst, 
 or whatever might occur. Having thus arranged my 
 plan of operation, I set out on my enterprize, one dark 
 stormy night, in a violent tornado ; and arrived on terra 
 jirma instantaneously, like lightning. Its inhabitants 
 took no notice of what had taken place, further than as 
 a common occurrence : — for it is a trite observation, or 
 expression, amongst them — ' The Devil has been in a 
 high wind to-night.' Little did they think, your God- 
 ships, that it really was so : and, as such, no suspicion 
 
97 
 
 attached to ine. J now proceeded to look about me : 
 and, as I could transport myself from plac3 to place in 
 an instant, and assume any shape I pleased at pleasure, 
 I had every facility I could wish or desire in my power, 
 even to deceive the imps which were in my employ ; 
 and who were stationed over the whole face of the globe, 
 waiting my arrival : so that I had mv eye on any lazy ras- 
 cal or traitorous scoundrel, unseen. But I found, to my 
 great joy and satisfaction, they had done their duty 
 well, and that little remained for me to do ; save and 
 except, as an experienced general, to reconnoitre some 
 few towns and cities that opposed themselves to ray will 
 and authority ; set my out-posts, and applaud and re- 
 ward the indefatigable zeal and industry of my agents 
 and soldiers fighting under my banner. For mankind, 
 of late, is grown so passionately fond of my bewitching 
 pleasures, that they have my name continually in their 
 mouths, and apply it on almost every occasion and 
 action of their lives ; making me accountable for their 
 acts, when, in reality, I have had nothing to do with 
 them : but that is their art and cunning, by way of 
 colour, as a cloak, to cover their gross follies and pro- 
 pensities. For even in the common transactions of life, 
 if any thing goes wrong, it is always attributed to me 
 as the author; and the whole blame thrown on my 
 shoulders. Thus your Godships see they do not care a 
 damn who the devil suffers, so long as they themselves 
 get out of the scrape, scot free : but I will reek my ven- 
 geance on this canting crew — these hypocritical apos- 
 tates — the very next, and all future cargoes Charon 
 imports into my sulphurous domains. They shall not 
 insult and traduce my august and venerable name with 
 
 G 
 
98 
 
 impunity — no, no : I will punish and torment them as 
 long as a limb remains unconsumed. 
 
 SONG XXV. 
 
 'Ett Wt\)ll pagg for all^ 
 
 Tune — "■ Nuticij Daivson." 
 
 In the world such pranks I play 
 With mankind, both night and day ; 
 Spurring them on to swear, and say 
 
 The Devil makes me do it. 
 Yet don't you think it is a shame. 
 Thus to abuse my exalted name. 
 That's mounted on the throne of Fame ; 
 
 But, damme, I'll make them rue it. 
 
 At play or opera, ball or rout. 
 They kick my name like smoke about ; 
 And swear that if their sport's put out, 
 Old Beelzebub has done it. 
 Yet, &c. 
 
 At church, or chapel, with a grace. 
 They pray with sanctity of face. 
 Under a cloak their sins to erase. 
 For the Devil makes them do it. 
 Yet, &c. 
 
99 
 
 If blows arise, and death ensue, 
 Or suicide cut ott' a few. 
 In bidding of the world adieu. 
 Exclaim — the Devil did it. 
 Yet, &c. 
 
 Thus young and old, rich and poor, 
 Though vice and folly they adore, 
 Lay every sin at my door. 
 
 For the Devil makes them do it. 
 Yet don't you think it is a shame 
 To abuse my exalted name. 
 When Mankind only are to blame ? 
 But damme, they shall rue it. 
 
 Pluto, the prince of Darkness and scorpion of 
 Tartarus, was immediately succeeded by Historia, the 
 chaste goddess of History. Her countenance beamed 
 like the sun, full of radiant sweetness, elegance, and 
 grace : she was attended by her inspired and faithful 
 muse, Clio, and supported by the fair goddess of Truth ; 
 who stood, unrobed, without a blush, a celestial form of 
 divine perfection : for she required not the aid of dress 
 to set her off, but was most lovely in her native charms. 
 The royal court was moved with veneration and respect 
 at such unparalleled excellence ; and as a token of their 
 
100 
 
 high esteem, requested the ladies to be seated. But 
 Historia, with all reverence due, said : — 
 
 " Nay, my lords ; permit us with submission first to 
 pay our homage to the throne, and to recount our mys- 
 terious travels and adventures in the world — the topic 
 of the present day with all mankind. That done, we 
 then will take our seats, but not before ; for I have much 
 to say that claims the attention of your royal ears, of 
 vast and vital interest to us all, our state and dignity — 
 as it regards our very existence. For 1 must a tale of 
 truth unfold, however disaoreeable to refined and deli- 
 cate sensibility, of what the Fates have long decreed, 
 and Sacred Writ foretold — the downfall of our kingdom 
 and our race — unless a champion can be found to espouse 
 our cause and defend our illustrious dynasty, to avert the 
 direful catastrophe that menaces our destruction. For 
 know, most mythological Gods, the world has found us 
 out, and all our tricks, and make of us their common 
 sport and ridicule in every town and city in the universe. 
 Their venal licentious bards bawl us through the streets 
 in miserable rhyme, and sell us for a penny to the vulgar 
 crowd; who make their jeer, and treat us scandalously, 
 in language foul, and call us all but Gods. They declare 
 we are nought but a set of imposing cheats, vile poltroons 
 — fellows that have done nothing all their lives but boast 
 — that all our valiant exploits and meritorious actions, 
 are a tissue of braggadocio and extravagant bombast, 
 got up to deceive mankind — that if any part of our 
 vaunted history be true, it is that only of our beastly 
 amours, horrid murders, thefts, and riotous, drunken, 
 gluttonous rfvels — that they place no confidence in 
 either what we say or do, nor care for our power and 
 
101 
 
 authority a fig- ; but lavish on us the most opprobrious 
 taunts. They call your Majesty the notorious, lecht- rous 
 old goat of INIount Olympus — that your queen set the 
 odious fashion to the ladies of wearing yellow stockings 
 — that the brave and wise Ulysses was a hen-pecked 
 cuckold, whose faithless rib produced that spurious, 
 heterogeneous animal. Pan — that his father. Mercury, 
 was such an infamous thief, a halter was too good for 
 him — that Venus was an ugly old hag ; and her darling, 
 sprightly, amorous boy, a blind pimping young rascal — 
 that the gigantic labours of Hercules, and the noble 
 feats and achievements of the chiefs and heroes at the 
 siege of Troy, were most infernal lies — that the chaste 
 goddess, Diana ; and the spotless virgins, the lovely 
 Muses and Graces, are all a pack of graceless, forni- 
 cating hussies. In short, to sum up the black, de- 
 grading catalogue of our pollution, and blast our laurels 
 and renown for ever, they swear we are, one and all, a 
 nest of lying, worthless, debauched vagabonds, whose 
 words no one will believe on oath : so that we have 
 entirely lost our once unrivalled reputation in the world 
 — were it not for some few poor devils, called poets, 
 who, from their necessities, adhere to us, and keep the 
 mention of us still alive for their daily maintenance ; 
 whose brains (if they have any) the public say are 
 crazed : — and really, to speak the truth, I believe that 
 to be the fact; for they give us indescribable trouble, 
 dancing us about without mercy, like puppets at a fair, 
 to do their drudgery and dirty woik for their pitiful and 
 miserable subsistence, without the least commiseration 
 or regard to our exalted station. But thanks, eternal 
 thanks, to our wise and noble patroness and defender. 
 
102 
 
 the valiant and intrepid Minerva, whose penetrating eye 
 watches over our destinies ; and whose brave and daunt- 
 less arm shields us from approaching- danger. She has 
 found for us, in our calamitous distress, a virtuous poet 
 and historian — a man who honors and respects the Gods 
 who will rescue and protect our immortal fame from the 
 impending infamy, shame, and disgrace that assail it. 
 The pen of a ready writer is in his hand, and he will 
 give to posterity an unsophisticated narrative of facts, 
 in an ingenious work of whimsical imagination : which 
 I pray the Gods to render him all the assistance and 
 support in their power, to help him through his arduous 
 task and the good cause ; that our benign and powerful 
 sovereign will command the Muses, assisted by the 
 Graces, to dictate the sublime and energetic subject — 
 Minerva to shed her effulgent influence on his head — 
 Truth to guide his pen — and our dear and beloved Apollo 
 to inspire and cement the theme by his harmonious and 
 enchanting powers ; whilst our good Genii will guard 
 and protect the immaculate history from perfidy and 
 violence. Thus prepared and equipped, our golden age 
 will revive and flourish like Spring, and we shall have 
 nought to fear. Therefore rejoice ! rejoice ! most illus- 
 trious, enlightened, virtuous Gods of renown, we have a 
 giant in arms in our just cause ; one who will renovate, 
 raise, and defend our ancient and honorable name, rank, 
 and glory in the world, and restore again our royal and 
 celestial genealogy to its God-hke splendor." 
 
103 
 SONG XXVI. 
 
 Commit* 
 
 Tune—" Maid of the Mill" 
 
 History now in the world is got 
 
 The wonder of the sage ; 
 For unless it's like a romance wrote, 
 
 'Twill never go down with the age. 
 
 Mankind is so fond of extravagant whim, 
 They like it in History's page ; 
 
 But naked truth is always too grim 
 To ever go down with the age. 
 
 Thus every work that's good to see. 
 
 With truth in every page. 
 By the present maxim of philosophy. 
 
 Is scoff'd at by all but the sage. 
 
 It must be a subject of magnitude great. 
 That can man's passions assuage : 
 
 So I recommend to the world, as a treat. 
 Imagination's whim of the age. 
 
104 
 
 There they'll find, it" they study, genuine worth 
 
 In every succeeding page ; 
 The moral between, the contrast of both ; 
 
 And that's beneficial to the age : 
 
 Which if man adopts, (but the world is such. 
 They despise every thing that is sage,) 
 
 Then wisdom and virtue will flourish as much 
 As the predominant follies of the age. 
 
 At length, the various Gods, Goddesses, Heroes, 
 Heroines, and Nymphs of renown, that had returned 
 from their respective missions, having given in a narra- 
 tive of the discharge of their several duties, exploits, 
 and adventures in the world, Jupiter once more arose 
 from his royal throne, amid the joyous shouts and ac- 
 clamations of his loyal and loving compeers and Demi- 
 Gods and Goddesses assembled, with all the pomp and 
 magnificence of an Eastern monarch for majesty of de- 
 portment, superbness of attire, and splendid retinue, in 
 the gayest and richest habiliments the eye ever beheld. 
 Waving his hand with an air of becoming dignity, a 
 a general silence ensued throughout the temple, whilst 
 his Majesty, after a short pause, in which he bowed 
 most gracefully to the whole assembly, addressed them 
 in the following laconic, emphatic, and brilliant speech : — 
 " My royal brothers, peers, dignitaries, and loving sub- 
 jects, it gives me inexpressible pleasure and satisfaction 
 to meet and welcome so full an attendance, this nioht. 
 to our annual ambrosial festival. After the fatigues you 
 
105 
 
 have undergone, and the bold and enterprising manner 
 in the which each of you have distinguished and signa- 
 lised himself with vigilance and activity in the grand 
 universe ; I am convinced of your loyalty, attachment, 
 and esteem to my person, crown and dignity. Accept, 
 therefore, my most sincere thanks of gratitude, and my 
 warmest feelings of affection for the same; as likewise 
 this poor entertainment which I have provided for your 
 reception — though not in value a tenth part adequate 
 to your several unparalleled merits." 
 
 [Immediately, as if it were by magic, a sumptuous 
 banquet arose before the grand assembly consisting of 
 the most delicious viands and choice fruits Nature or 
 Art could produce, and Nectar only fit for Gods : served 
 up, with the greatest elegance and taste, in massive ves- 
 sels of fine gold, beautifully embossed, with the achieve- 
 ments of the Gods, and studded with diamonds, rubies, 
 pearls, and all kind of precious gems in every imaginable 
 rare device, whilst his Majesty continued to proceed :] — 
 " As hkewise for your unremitted exertions in your se- 
 veral respective offices; which will not only redound 
 to your perpetual honor and glory in the world ; but 
 will indelibly imprint on my heart a lasting sense of 
 your zeal and worth, and which will ever ensure my 
 future countenance and protection, ad iiijiuitum." 
 
 Jupiter having concluded his complimentary ad- 
 dress, and resumed his seat, the grand band of Apollo 
 immediately struck up, ' God save the King,' with as- 
 tonishing spirit and sweetness; and continued playing 
 in the most exquisite style of excellence, except at in- 
 tervals for refreshment, the remainder of the evening. 
 Joy now diffused itself through every heart; and all 
 
106 
 
 was harmony, festivity, and glee ; each God striving 
 to excel his brother in good humour and mirth. Momus 
 contributed much to the entertainment by bis peculiar 
 pleasantry and wit ; whilst Bacchus was not deficient in 
 replenishing the bowl. Toasts, sentiments, and re- 
 partees now flew around in great abundance ; till the 
 grand assemblage of Deities, and even Jupiter himself, 
 were more than half-seas over : — for 
 
 Choice Nectar flow'd in oceans round the bowl, 
 And deluged care in every drooping soul. 
 
 In this romantic, elevated sphere, no one knew any 
 bounds to his voluptuous excess of pleasure. What 
 with the luxury of the repast — the rich and bewitching 
 flavour of the nectarous juice — together with the en- 
 chanting harmony of the celestial band, and the en- 
 easfino: manners and agreeable converse of the Gods — 
 my brain was inebriated with such superlative delight, 
 as to transport my very soul to regions of extacy: — in 
 fact, I was so much out of my element, and so raised 
 above myself by this God-like carousing, that had I 
 been in the happy vallies of Elysium, as one of its most 
 distinguished and highly favoured elect, I could not 
 have partaken of a more boundless sense of felicity. 
 
 But as real and permanent happiness does not con- 
 sist or exist in flighty whims of imagination, or romantic 
 scenes of pleasure, for any series of time, without we 
 put our trust in the All-wise Omnipotent God, who is 
 the wonderful Fountain of Life, and from whom we re- 
 ceive every good gift ; and whose bounty is unbounded 
 and universal to all his creatures ; so my high, imaginary 
 
107 
 
 happiness was of short duration : for a curious incident 
 arose of an extraordinary nature, which I shall hereafter 
 relate, that plunged me, at once, from my exalted sphere 
 of ambition, honor, and glory, to the low and grovelling 
 state from whence I sprung — putting a period, in one 
 instant, to all my foolish aspiring notions of grandeur 
 and vanity. Thus how soon is the cup dashed from 
 the lip by some unforeseen accident or event, even at 
 the moment of enjoying its delicious sweets. So fell 
 the dauntless, aspiring Csesar, whose towering ambi- 
 tion knew no bounds — hke the bold, intrepid eagle, who 
 fearlessly flies in the very face of the sun, and fancies the 
 stupendous arch of heaven scarce large enough to ex- 
 pand his ponderous wings — levelled with the dust — 
 thus vanished my short-lived glory. May the sequel 
 be a memento to vain greatness, as will be seen by the 
 following as wonderful and extraordinary a transition, 
 as I soared to so conspicuous an elevation. 
 
 Ye thoughtless tyrants, upstarts of a day, 
 Reflect on chance, and let not pride o'ersway 
 Your vaunted reason, lest your greatness fall, 
 Beneath your power ever to recall. 
 
 Being in the highest glee and good humour with 
 the Gods, the time passed merrily away at the jovial 
 board, having regaled myself sumptuously with every 
 delicacy the entertainment could supply. But as the 
 eye or appetite of man is seldom satisfied, as the proverb 
 justly remarks, though he has satiated to his heart's 
 desire; so, to speak the truth, proved my folly : for a 
 lovely peach presenting itself, of a beautiful hue, to my 
 
108 
 
 roving fancy, I put forth my hand to seize the dehcious 
 morsel that tenijDted me ; when, at the instant, I felt a 
 violent tvi^inge on the cheek, that completely roused me 
 from my delusive trance. What was my surprise and 
 astonishment, I shall leave the Reader to guess, to find 
 the whole court of Gods, and my late elevated rank and 
 glory, like the baseless fabric of a dream, vanished from 
 my sight. Yet it was some consolation, for the loss of 
 my late unparalleled exaltation and happiness ; and 
 cheered my dejected spirits, to find myself, once more, 
 safe landed, and well in my lovely bower ; where, to my 
 great amazement, I had lain profoundly wrapped in the 
 arms of balmy sleep the whole night ; and very possibly 
 should the following day, had it not been for the above 
 unlucky incident to my imaginary fancy — though the 
 contrary to my human and mental faculties — for, whilst 
 in the act of revelling in the most superlative felicity, 
 the heavenly animating sun had illumined the celestial 
 canoj)y with its refulgent glory — all nature was gay, 
 and roused to the business and employment of the day, 
 like the busy industrious bee, who was the innocent cause 
 of liberating me from my lethargic confinement by the 
 following curious accident, putting forth my hand, as I 
 said before, to grasp the enticing object of my wishes, 
 though contrary to the fable of the Dog and Shadow — 
 for, grasping atthe delusion, I squeezed a finefull-blotvn 
 damask rose, that grew on the side of my bower, where- 
 in was this harmless industrious insect, extracting liquid 
 sweets against the dreary day of famine. Irritated by 
 instinct, (and not from malice or revenge,) as the adage 
 justly remarks — ' Tread on a worm, and it will turn;' 
 in like manner for such an unprovoked insult, though 
 
109 
 
 undesignedly, she immediately stung to the quick the 
 author of so gross an outrage. Strange as it may ap- 
 pear, this occurrence, so trifling in itself, was the means 
 of restorino- me again to my right senses, and the world ; 
 and thank God, through the serenity of the night and 
 the warmth of the season, I imbibed no harm from the 
 midnight air, nor any material injury from the accident. 
 Thus I returned, once more, rejoicing and praising the 
 Divine Creator, as I passed along to my happy home, 
 for all his late mercies bestowed ; whilst my lovely dis- 
 consolate wife and sweet little babes, with anxious im- 
 patience, were waiting my return ; which caused a scene 
 truly pathetic : — for oceans of bliss and heart-felt joy 
 and satisfaction, far beyond the power of my pen to 
 describe, at beholding, in perfect health and spirits, 
 their too long lost father. Words are inadequate to 
 express the fond kiss, and soft embrace, of true love ; 
 or the sweet tear of sensibility and affection, that flowed 
 from every eye. 
 
 Search the world around. 
 No place can be found 
 Where true joys abound, 
 To compare to home. 
 
 Having at length recovered from the interesting 
 interview, and taken some refreshment, still having the 
 effect of the trance in my imagination before my eyes ; 
 and being full of reflection and meditation at so won- 
 derful an event as had transpired to my bewildered 
 fancy ; I immediately withdrew to my study, to commit 
 the extraordinary occurrence to paper ; which as I pro- 
 ceeded in, all my past vision came afresh to my mind. 
 
110 
 
 At the same time, a voice like unto thunder, entered 
 my ears, as though from Divine command, pronouncing 
 with an emphatic dictation — ' Publish the things thou 
 hast seen and heard, for the information and edifica- 
 tion of man.' I instantly set to work ; and, thank God, 
 through his assistance and support, have, to the best of 
 my knowledge and recollection, been able to impart to 
 the grand universe every particular circumstance and 
 transaction of moment that transpired to my flighty and 
 romantic imagination — which, to the morality thereof, 
 if mankind pay due and proper atttention, they will in 
 the end despise and abhor the prevalent vices and follies 
 of the age — adore religion and virtue, and laud God 
 alone. 
 
 SONG XXVII. 
 
 Tune — " Barbadoes Bells. 
 
 Now, one arduous task is o'er. 
 Another more difficult to endure 
 Presents itself; but I'll implore 
 
 Your Godships' approbation. 
 But should my request too bold appear. 
 From the world my muse will disappear. 
 To distant climes to shed a tear 
 
 In silent contemplation. 
 
Ill 
 
 But smiles of ajoplause I begin to trace 
 In the lineaments of every face ; 
 Therefore shall not meet that disgrace — 
 Which gives me consolation. 
 
 Thanks to the Gods for this last deed 
 
 Of charity, when I stood in need. 
 
 To help me through my doubts with speed, 
 
 To receive your approbation ; 
 That shields rae from base Envy's tongue. 
 Who would wish to poison every one 
 That is not, like herself, undone 
 
 And lost to reclaimation. 
 But, as my pains are crown'd with bays. 
 My prolific brain shall ever praise 
 Your judgment, with ecstatic lays 
 
 And heart-felt admiration. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 SONG. PAGE. 
 
 1 Jupiter's congratulatory Welcome to the Gods 19 
 
 2 Adoration 20 
 
 3 Folly 22 
 
 4 Credulity 24 
 
 5 The Ravages of War 27 
 
 6 The Return of Peace 30 
 
 7 The Effects of Wine 33 
 
 8 Conceit 37 
 
 9 The Pleasures of Love 39 
 
 10 Reflection 43 
 
 1 1 The Rosy Morn 45 
 
 12 The Cheerful Spring 43 
 
 13 Delicious Autumn 50 
 
 14 Every one's Bulwark 53 
 
 15 The Power of Music 57 
 
 16 Debauchery 60 
 
 17 Duplicitj' 63 
 
 18 Wonder 67 
 
 19 Witchcraft 71 
 
 20 The Philosopher's Stone 74 
 
 21 The Ferryman 79 
 
 22 The Pleasures of Home 84 
 
 23 Visionary Fancy 88 
 
 24 Imaginary Knowledge 93 
 
 25 The Devil pays for all 98 
 
 26 Romance 103 
 
 27 Gratitude 110 
 
 londoin: printed bv walton and Mitchell, wardocr street. 
 
THE 
 
 POETICAL WORKS 
 
 GEORGE WEGUELIN, Gi:n 
 
 :nt. 
 
 PRINCIPALLY WRITTEX IX EARLY LIFE. 
 
 DEDICATED TO APOLLO, 
 
 A. D. MDCCCXXXII. 
 
 ?ri&tr6 Sicri'cs. 
 
 EXTERED AT STATIONERS HALL. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED BY WALTON & MITCHELL, 
 
 VVARDOUE STREET, OXFORD STREET. 
 
The Author feels the greatest pleasure and 
 satisfaction in being enabled to present to his 
 numerous worthy friends and brother Eccentrics 
 (who have so earnestly solicited him for a con- 
 tinuation of his poetical productions), the Third 
 Volume, which he not only requests their accept- 
 ance of, but trusts, on perusal, they will not be 
 disappointed of continued renewed gratification.* 
 
 Grafton Street, 
 Fitzroy Square. 
 
 * Vide the Speech delivered from the Chair by the President of 
 the Eccentrics, on the occasion of a former series of Eccentric Poems 
 being presented to that Society by the Laureat. 
 
AUTHORS ADDRESS TO THE 
 ECCENTRICS. 
 
 Another year has roU'd away. 
 
 In which you live to see the day 
 
 That some imagin'd ne'er would come 
 
 Again, to welcome in this room 
 
 Weguelin's return, in health most prime. 
 
 As he was wont in former time. 
 
 Attended by the tuneful Nine ; 
 
 Riding on his famed Pegasus, 
 
 That was thought an ignis-fatuus 
 
 By many a long-ear'd ignoramus ; 
 
 Who crack'd their jokes and made their sport, 
 
 Tho' oft they would his favor court. 
 
 To hire his hobby for a time. 
 
 To help them through a little rhyme : 
 
 But Pegasus wasn't such a tool. 
 
 To be the slave of every fool 
 
 Who wish'd to mount — to take a ride, 
 
 Unless his master chose to guide ; 
 
Which if he did, they sore repented. 
 
 When 'twas too late to be prevented. 
 
 For oft from Sol to Georo;ium Sidus 
 
 He'd flit in the twinkling of a Spriteus, 
 
 And back again to earth instanter. 
 
 And call it but a gentle canter ; 
 
 So that no booby ever tried 
 
 Again, to ask another ride. 
 
 But to return unto my story. 
 
 Which for a time destroy'd my gloiy : — 
 
 When Pegasus was basely sold 
 
 To knackers dire, for paltry gold. 
 
 He in your presence seem'd to die. 
 
 In great and dreadful agony ; — 
 
 But 'twas a dream 'twixt you and I, 
 
 Merely to get from off the stage 
 
 Of public life, for to assuage 
 
 Sufferings which would the world astoun'. 
 
 For services of great renown. 
 
 Were but his merits duly known : 
 
 Therefore, indignant he withdrew 
 
 To regions only known to few ; — 
 
 But having once more join 'd your revels, 
 
 ril now relate to you our travels. 
 
 I to Elysium was convey'd. 
 
 Amongst the Gods in the cool shade. 
 
 Where golden fruits grew plenteous round, 
 
And all appear'd enchanted ground ; 
 When having drank divinely deep 
 Of nectar, until morning peep. 
 It fired my soul to sing and dance, 
 As I had seen Nymphs in my trance. 
 And so to vie with the jovial crew, 
 I tried as much as I could do : 
 But soon my joy was turn'd to pain, — 
 They vanish 'd from the flowery plain. 
 And left me like the veil of night. 
 In darkness, and forsaken quite ; 
 My lyre was gone — Pegasus flown. 
 And I, alas ! was left alone : 
 No friend was nigh to give relief, — 
 Forlorn, and sinking past belief. 
 Existence was to me a grief; 
 Wishing most heartily for death. 
 To ease my sorrows with my breath : 
 But tho' I wish'd, I wish'd in vain — 
 It only added to my pain. 
 Thus dull and pensive as I lay, 
 Methought I heard Pegasus neigh ; 
 And turning round, to my surprise — 
 The joy that sparkled in my eyes 
 Is more than words can here explain- 
 When I beheld his flowing mane : 
 But what was more, Apollo, too. 
 
8 
 
 With lovely damsels, fresh as dew. 
 
 Had brought with them a magic lyre 
 
 To raise my spirits, and inspire 
 
 My thoughts above terrestrial things. 
 
 The moment that I touch'd the strings ; 
 
 And with a pleasing, smiling mien, 
 
 Address'd me thus, in courteous strain.— 
 
 Arise ray friend, accept this harp. 
 
 And never let it more depart 
 
 From thee, but cherish it and love. 
 
 The choicest gift of Gods above ; 
 
 Be Eccentricity thy will. 
 
 And I will give thee power and skill — 
 
 To use it to thy utmost fill : 
 
 Remember what I now impart. 
 
 And let it 'twine around thy heart ; 
 
 Pegasus henceforth I give to thee. 
 
 Use him gentle, he'll be most free : 
 
 Adieu ! my son, let no one take 
 
 The celestial lyre, for my sake. 
 
 I took it instantly and play'd. 
 
 And as I sung, these words I said — 
 
 In gratitude, to great Apollo 
 
 I dedicate the Odes that follow. 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 Hail, glorious Apollo! who, from thy splendid throne, 
 
 Illumest with brilliancy the azure dome : 
 
 Inspire my muse with melody, to rise. 
 
 In lofty strains, above the vaulted skies ; 
 
 To soar in air — immensity to scan — 
 
 That she may sing enrapturing themes to man. 
 
 To rouse his soul to adore the enchanting sway 
 
 Of thy harmonic empire, sweet ecstacy. 
 
 The boundless source of genuine wit and mirth. 
 
 From whence the tuneful sisters owe their birth. 
 
 And countless luminaries incessant sing 
 
 Thy matchless power diurnal, as they wing 
 
 Their wond'rous speed around thy enlivening flame. 
 
 Perpetually going o'er the course again. 
 
 So give her strength to sustain the aspiring flight. 
 
 As in thy wisdom's pleasant in thy sight; 
 
 And mould her to thy will that she might prove 
 
 A prodigy of science — her greatest love — 
 
 To touch with angelic skill thy heavenly lyre, 
 
 And give to harmony celestial fire ; 
 
10 
 
 To lavish pleasure, shoot folly as it flies, 
 
 And make obduracy to sympathise : 
 
 Like the great bard who by the Avon sung. 
 
 Whose numbers flow'd in cadence rich and strong 
 
 Master of hearts and by none outdone ; 
 
 He softened rocks and sooth'd the savage breast. 
 
 And all unruly passions lull'd to rest ; — 
 
 May thy chaste spirit thus pervade my mind. 
 
 To make my thoughts more polish 'd and refin'd; 
 
 That I, in dedicating these lines to thee. 
 
 Be from all trifling vulgar language free, 
 
 But not pedantic, lest the critics say 
 
 Fools write by line, and rule a-now-a-day. 
 
 But give me freedom, liberty, and ease. 
 
 That I may shape the verse just as I please. 
 
 To harmonize the whole, and, by thy power. 
 
 Dispel dull care as pass the fleeting hour. 
 
 ■I 
 
Hobe antr Wiav* 
 
 Tom. 
 
 Hark ! the trumpet sounds to aruis, to arms, dear Poll, 
 I must away. 
 
 To chastise the toe — but oh, those charms bid my poor 
 heart to stay ; 
 
 But dauntless I will scorn all fear, tho' thund'ring can- 
 nons rattle. 
 
 The guardian angels, for thy sake, will protect me in the 
 battle. 
 
 Poll. 
 
 My dearest Tom, should you be slain, I never could sur- 
 vive thee, 
 
 Then let me live and die with thee, and pray do not deny 
 me ; 
 
 Our fortunes are alike the same, through life we've no 
 election, 
 
 For God, I know, will be our friend, and give us both 
 protection. 
 
12 
 
 Tom. 
 
 My charming Poll, my love for thee does with fresh ar- 
 dour burn. 
 
 To hear thy wish to go with me, who never may return ; 
 
 To conquer or die is a soldier's pride, my sweetest girl, 
 for you. 
 
 Then let me embrace thee in these arms, before I bid 
 adieu, adieu. 
 
 Poll. 
 I value not the din of war, give me a sword and shield. 
 So long as 1 can be with thee in camp or in the field ; 
 The drum and fife my bosom warms, and with my latest 
 
 breath 
 I'll cheer thee on, my lovely Tom, to victory or death. 
 
 Both. 
 
 Then since war is our destiny, farewell, ye fields and 
 plains ; 
 
 Farewell to this poor homely cot, where true content- 
 ment reigns : 
 
 Tho' despair shall not our hearts assail, as Heaven's 
 benign rays 
 
 May return us to our happy home, in peace to end our 
 days. 
 
1? 
 
 A Tinker I am, and my trade to extend. 
 Constitutions, as well as pots and pans, I mend ; 
 I'm doctor of divinity, I'm doctor of physic, 
 I'm doctor of law, and doctor of music. 
 I prescribe for all maladies, for law I can advise. 
 And preach down all bad practices, tho' my own I dis- 
 guise : 
 What with hammering and stammering, 
 
 And fingering of the pelf; 
 Nobody knows the Tinker, 
 For he hardly knows himself. 
 
 I hammer down the times to whatever shape I please, 
 And defamation spread abroad, whilst I sit at my ease : 
 I sell gospel out by spoonfuls, to all despairing souls. 
 As likewise reputation, to either knaves or fools. 
 Sometimes I give the lover hope, at others fell despair. 
 Which is my way with all the world, unless the cash is 
 
 there ; 
 
 So ostentatious grown. 
 By fingering of the pelf; 
 
 Nobody knows the Tinker, 
 For he hardly knows himself. 
 
14 
 
 At length, by cunning artifice, a I'ortune T have made, 
 Therefore I'll now turn gentleman, and throw oft" the 
 
 trade ; 
 And for fear my low origin should to the world appear, 
 If money can procure it, I will be made a Peer. 
 Thurs rais'd by wealth to dignity, a Courtier then I'll be, 
 To gain new honours and increase my popularity. 
 
 Thus swell'd with pride and arrogance. 
 By w^allowing in the pelf; 
 
 No wonder the Tinker you forget. 
 When he's forgot himself. 
 
 itn iSptgram. 
 
 Two notorious old hags — rakes frequented and knew- 
 
 (One kept a fence — the other a stew,) 
 
 Side by side, hand and glove, in iniquity swell. 
 
 Till their sins grew as large as Exeter bell. 
 
 As Bridges Street annals can very well tell : 
 
 But yet to the world, religion and grace 
 
 Appear'd to exist in each fat flabby face. 
 
 To cloak their foul deeds, a burning disgrace. 
 
 For they went to conventicle three times a day, 
 
 Their vocations to follow, and not for to pray. 
 
15 
 
 But Lucifer fearing they might have a call, 
 And lest he should lose them, soul, body, and all. 
 Resolved that on earth they no longer should dwell, 
 So snatch'd them, at once, from business to hell. 
 
 mpUin ifla^t). 
 
 My name is Captain Flash, sii'; 
 
 I'm a gem of the first rate; 
 I set the Ton to all the town 
 
 To dress in style complete. 
 Sir Brilliant Gay, who bounced away 
 
 And was counted such a dash, sir. 
 In all the courts of Europe, say 
 
 He's outdone by Captain Flash, sir. 
 
 I rival all the dandies 
 
 That ever graced this nation ; 
 And for fashion, flash, and fun, sir. 
 
 Have the highest reputation ; 
 In foreign climes I've past my time 
 
 To become an accomplish 'd ass, sir ; 
 And monkey wise in great disguise 
 
 Return'd a Captain Flash, sir. 
 
IG 
 
 I sport my curricle to shew 
 
 My dexterity as a whip, sir; 
 From Cheapside to Rotten Row, 
 
 For the gaze of the public, sir ; 
 The women bawl and children squall. 
 
 To see me drive so rash, sir ; 
 O'er apple stalls pell mell I go. 
 
 Who dare stop Captain Flash, sir ? 
 
 To bring rae into notice by 
 
 The wonder of the throng, sir. 
 Who gape and stare as I pass by, 
 
 And make of me a sonsf, sir. 
 " Mind your eye — he'll cut a fly — 
 
 Pray let his honour pass, sir ; 
 His kettle drum makes such a hum, 
 
 Proclaiming Captain Flash, sir." 
 
 But what the deuce care I for that ? 
 
 I have an end in view, sir ; 
 I'll cut a dash and make a splash. 
 
 And sing cock-a-doodle-do, vsir. 
 And my cocks shall crow to let them know 
 
 That I am not abash'd, sir, 
 Tho' thousands cry as I pass by, 
 
 " There goes Captain Flash, sir." 
 
17 
 
 At Willis's or Almacks', 
 
 I'm the Adonis of the niglit, sir ; 
 So splendidly I figure there, 
 
 I dazzle quite the light, sir. 
 All amaz'd — my diamonds blaze — 
 
 I shine more than the gas, sir ; 
 I am a sun amongst the stars — 
 
 All bow to Captain Flash, sir. 
 
 The Ladies all admire me. 
 
 When I the assembly grace, sir ; 
 To sing or play I am the man 
 
 That's perfect elegance, sir. 
 Lead off the dance, make a prance. 
 
 In Lothario cut a dash, sir ; 
 Whilst all the belles in rapture cry, 
 
 " O charming Captain Flash, sir." 
 
 But do not think I am an ape, 
 
 I know what I'm about, sir; 
 I figure for a fortune's fool. 
 
 And then I'll figure out, sir. 
 Yes, my dear, never fear. 
 
 When I have touch'd the cash, dove. 
 You shall live the life of a princess. 
 
 With your dashing Captain Flash, love. 
 
 B 
 
18 
 
 Mural ^eiitii^. 
 
 As across the fields I chanced to stray, 
 
 Young Lubin, so sprightly and gay. 
 Came smiling up to me and said, pretty maid. 
 
 Pray where are you walking to day. 
 Why what's that to you, silly clown, I replied. 
 
 With a most contemptible sneer ; 
 But for all that, he tenderly press'd my soft hand. 
 
 Saying, dear girl, let your anger forbear. 
 
 His cheeks were so ruddy, so gentle his mien, 
 
 I gazed on the youth with surprise ; 
 And obduracy fled, when prostrate at my feet, 
 
 I beheld him with tears in his eyes. 
 He managed the matter so neatly, I vow. 
 
 Lover's feelings can only declare ; 
 For so well the rogue knew he had won my fond heart. 
 
 No longer he cried, pray forbear. 
 
 He prais'd my fine eyes, my shape and my wit. 
 
 And swore he would make me his wife ; 
 I, blushing, refused ; but at length I complied 
 
 To be thus settled for life. 
 So I gave him my hand, and to church we repair 'd. 
 
 In Hymen's chaste bonds to be one ; 
 And now we live happy in peace and content 
 
 From the risins: to the setting of the sun. 
 
19 
 
 Now poor Edwin is gone, alas ! not a smatter 
 
 Of twaddle, or quoz, or gingo's the chatter ; 
 
 The old proverb remarks — tho' ever so kind. 
 
 No longer in sight, no longer in mind. 
 
 He who was once so joyous and gay. 
 
 Lays now in his coffin — a cold lump of clay ! 
 
 Come, lovers of mirth, shed a tear on his grave. 
 
 In gratitude to him who once was your slave ; 
 
 Nor forget that while living how he bore oflf the bell. 
 
 And, as a hearty good fellow, none e'er could excel. 
 
 ^f)t Jo|)0 Of tftr (E'b^u. 
 
 What pleasure's to equal the joys of the chase. 
 When Phoebus bedecks the gay morn? 
 
 There both health and vigour appear in the face. 
 At the cry of the hounds and the musical horn. 
 
 Our steeds being saddled, we scour away, 
 O'er gates and thro' vallies we fly j 
 
 Till puss, tired out, no longer assay. 
 But panting, surrenders and dies. 
 
20 
 
 Then to Bacchus's shrine we return hi full flee. 
 For dull care with us souls shall not stay ; 
 
 O'er full flowing bowls we unanimous agree. 
 To renew the grand sport the next day. 
 
 Vitiovn of m l^il$. 
 
 Hail ! hail ! all ye Britons, give ear to my song. 
 In praise of brave Nelson — it can't be too long — 
 Whose valour to ages Fame will proclaim ; 
 For Britons will ever be lords of the main. 
 Rule, rule, gallant Mars, thou mighty god of war. 
 And shield with thy thunder each British tar. 
 
 Off the mouth of the Nile, how glorious the sight ! 
 Lay the great nation's fleet, quaking with fright. 
 When they saw gallant Nelson bear down to maintain 
 The honour of England, as lords of the main. 
 
 Rouse ! rouse ! &c. 
 
 Now, how dreadful the carnage ! how terrible the sound ! 
 The cannons' loud thunder the heavens resound ! 
 So bloody the scene, with the groans of the slain ! 
 Make Englishmen shudder, tho' lords of tlie main. 
 Rouse ! rouse ! &,c. 
 
21 
 
 Old Neptune beheld, and applauded the fight ; 
 It's noble cried he — I rejoice at the sight. 
 To see British tars such ardour maintain ; 
 I'll ever decree them the lords of the main. 
 
 Rouse ! rouse ! 8cc. 
 
 So saying, he gave them his trident, to sway 
 The rough curling wave, and all insults repay ; 
 Whilst in peals of dread thunder Mars did proclaim 
 British seamen — invincible lords of the main. 
 
 Rouse ! rouse ! 8t.c. 
 
 Thus France's proud navy's by Nelson laid low ; 
 'Twas his gallant crew struck the grand blow 
 To gaelic ambition, for their threats we disdain. 
 For Briton's will ever reign lords of the main. 
 
 Rule, rule, &c. 
 
 Here's success to our King — success to our laws — 
 Success to brave Nelson — success to our cause — 
 Success to all jolly tars, who our freedom maintain, 
 And may they for ever reign lords of the main. 
 Rule, rule, &c. 
 
22 
 
 impromptu on Uttohevv^ 
 
 Fair Goddess of Health, for my restoration 
 Accept of this small remuneration j 
 The lustre of which, though great, can't compare 
 To thy beautiful charms, which excel all the fair. 
 When those charms are united, the beaus they will gaze. 
 And in rapture will chaunt all their lays to thy praise : 
 But their praises are vain, on observance, you'll find ; 
 Then make choice of the youth that is constant and kind. 
 
 aainet Hobr, antr OTar; or, ^ime 
 
 As Procrastination's the thief of time, 
 Let us not one moment of life repine ; 
 Embrace, with joy, without delay, 
 The circling hour as it flies away ; 
 Fill up the mighty sparkling bowl. 
 That every gay and sprightly soul 
 May drink, or sing, or laugh, or play. 
 To make this a jovial holiday ; 
 Let the merry joke go round ; 
 Let not care with us be found : 
 
23 
 
 Not like misers or astronomers. 
 
 Who plod o'er their wealth, or enumerate the stars ; 
 
 They are strangers to joys like ours — divine ; 
 
 They know no such pleasure as the taste of the vine. 
 
 'Tis wine inspires a noble mind ; 
 
 'Tis wine makes wit fly more refin'd ; 
 
 Wine gives new life, the ancients boast ; 
 
 Therefore let wine be the general toast. 
 
 But if Venus outrival Bacchus's shrine. 
 
 Haste away to her charms— swear she's all divine; 
 
 For when a lady's in the case. 
 
 All other things of course give place. 
 
 Swear she has set your soul on fire ; 
 
 Swear you're enchant'd with desire ; 
 
 Flatter her a little with this and that ; 
 
 Give her enough of Love's soft chat; 
 
 Praise her beauty, shape, and air ; 
 
 Swear there's not so angelic a fair; 
 
 Her rosy cheeks, her eyes so bright. 
 
 Her heaving bosom enraptures delight ; 
 
 Swear you're transported to worlds of bliss 
 
 Whilst on your knees you beg a kiss : 
 
 In short, you soon will gain the field. 
 
 And the goddess will, smiling, yield. 
 
 Follow this plan, if you'd be wise. 
 
 As thousands by procrastination dies. 
 
24 
 
 Hark ! how the cannon roars from afar ; 
 
 'Tis the threat of impending war : 
 
 Rise ! revenge your country's cause. 
 
 And let not one moment be lost in pause ; 
 
 Charge the enemy, though e'er so great ; 
 
 Kill and slay where'er you meet ; 
 
 Let the threat'ning, haughty foe. 
 
 By your courage, Britons, know ; 
 
 And not to know, but to revere. 
 
 The sons of liberty as their sire. 
 
 May peace and plenty ever smile 
 
 On this loved spot, Britannia's isle. 
 
 Her laws are just, her subjects free. 
 
 And freedom dwells alone in thee. 
 
 Here's a health to George, our glorious King ; 
 
 Long may he reign, we'll jovially sing ; 
 
 And until time shall be no more. 
 
 Strike terror to ev'ry distant shore. 
 
 mt mantji i3iu. 
 
 Just arrived from London Town, 
 Doctor Scarecrow of renown, 
 
 A man of great skill to advise O ; 
 Can cure ev'ry ill 
 Without blister or pill. 
 
 By wonderful magnettiso. 
 
25 
 
 No quackery with me ; 
 No cure, no fee ; 
 
 No griping nor purging the poor, O ; 
 I heal, by slight of hand. 
 All diseases at command. 
 
 By wonderful magnettiso. 
 
 In your stomachs I dont pop 
 A whole medical shop. 
 
 Or bind up your legs for the gout O ; 
 If you're ever so deform'd. 
 Or your head should be adorn 'd, 
 
 I'll remove it by magnettiso. 
 
 So powerful's my art, 
 I can bleed ev'ry heart. 
 
 Whilst I draw from the pocket the rhino ; 
 Then home I go with ease. 
 Snug as murder with the fees 
 
 Got by wonderful magnettiso. 
 
 msiutu^ 
 
 Beauty, tho' courted by all ranks with adoration. 
 Is as a shadow for its short duration ; 
 To-day it captivates— to-morrow detestation. 
 
26 
 
 So sudden a transition oft takes place, 
 
 It even baffles our belief to trace 
 
 The beauteous lineaments of an angel's face : 
 
 As first impressions vanish into air. 
 
 Whenever sorrow or pain has revell'd there ; 
 
 As per instance, for your information, 
 
 I'll now unfold to you the transformation : 
 
 Let but the Goddess pass before your eyes. 
 
 Desire pleads instanter for the prize ; 
 
 Her graceful figure engaging, without art. 
 
 Is sure, hke magnet, to attract the heart. 
 
 But let bane sickness, famine, or despair. 
 
 Afflict the mind, and beauty disappear 
 
 From those bright charms that rivall'd with the sun — 
 
 To aspect shrivell'd, lifeless and wan : 
 
 Provided no misfortune should attend. 
 
 And beauty should for life every one befriend ; 
 
 The soul may be a devil, hid beneath 
 
 The mask of beauty, only to deceive : 
 
 Let not the eye dote on outward form. 
 
 But on the heart which beauty should adorn ; 
 
 There genuine love and friendship should unite. 
 
 Congenial love and friendship to invite ; 
 
 To keep alive perpetually, the bliss 
 
 Of uninterrupted love and happiness. 
 
 Beauties like these will never fade away. 
 
 When outward beauty's gone to irretrievable decay. 
 
27 
 
 Whene'er loud clarions call to arms. 
 The voice of war strikes no alarms 
 In the true born Briton's breast. 
 Where freedom reigns, supremely blest ; 
 True courage never feels dismay. 
 For English valour rules the day. 
 
 The Sailor with composure laughs. 
 
 And on the deck his grog he quaffs ; 
 
 Swears to make the foe to fly. 
 
 To conquer or to boldly die : 
 
 With peals of thunder bears the sway, 
 
 Thus English valour rules the day. 
 
 The Soldier hears, without concern. 
 Loud cannons roar and clash of arms ; 
 So brave is he, that no attack 
 Will ever make him turn his back : 
 Through fields of carnage clears his way ; 
 Thus English valour rules the day. 
 
 May George, our King, for ever be 
 Protected both by land and sea ; 
 
28 
 
 And Englishmen maintain their right, 
 With hearts like lions ever fight ; 
 Whilst immortal fame proclaiming say 
 English valour rules the day. 
 
 Hob^ antf SotrotD* 
 
 Oh, my lovely charmer, why this flood of tears ? 
 
 Why drop these pearls ? why these sighs and fears ? 
 
 Say from thy heart, have I ever been untrue ? 
 
 You know I've always been the kindest love to you. 
 
 Why should you then rob me of those charms ; 
 
 Come then, my love, embrace me with thy arms. 
 
 Smile, smile, my dear, one glance, or else I die ; 
 
 O, now what joy my soul receives from those lucid eyes. 
 
 Oh, never may I more endure such a storm ; 
 
 May the guardian Angels protect us from all harm. 
 
 $tt Mcnxovv^ oi ^rimalltin* 
 
 Beneath this tablet a faithful servant lies. 
 Who kept the ravenous mice from the mince pies ; 
 Yet she'd a knack of stealing, now and then, 
 A bit of meat or sop out of the pan, 
 A quality familiar to her clan. 
 
29 
 
 A numerous progeny she left behind. 
 
 Who mew'd her loss, for she was very kind. 
 
 As to the grave they walk'd, in doleful mind ; J 
 
 Crying in artless accents, without fuss. 
 
 Adieu, adieu, alas ! poor Tittebus, 
 
 ^ 
 
 Zf^e Eime^. 
 
 Two Nations had a paper war, I'll tell you what about, 
 
 sir, 
 A simple thing call'd Liberty, that made a mighty rout, 
 
 sir; 
 The controversy rose so high, from words they went to 
 
 blows, sir. 
 And sad to tell, when it will end, no one in Europe 
 
 knows, sir. 
 Botheration, botheration, oh what a terrible botheration. 
 
 Now one was poor, the other rich, that caus'd this great 
 
 dispute, sir ; 
 The poor was for equality, the rich to that was mute, 
 
 sir : 
 
30 
 
 And fearing lest a royal seat would soon begin to tumble, 
 A proclamation issued forth to make the rebels humble. 
 Alteration, alteration, that was a bit of alteration. 
 
 Accordingly their king began to fortify a tower. 
 
 The novelty was ludicrous, but 'twas to shew his power ; 
 
 For night and day they work'd away, to fill old tubs 
 
 with earth, sir. 
 The peoples' eyes to Wind, for what? new projects to 
 
 give birth, sir. 
 Explanation, explanation, oh that wanted an explanation. 
 
 'Twas given out that all this fuss was to give the town 
 protection ; 
 
 But mum, 'twas nothing but a farce, to keep it in sub- 
 jection : 
 
 They plainly saw what others did with people in high 
 station, 
 
 So thought 'twere best to be secure, for self as well as 
 nation. 
 
 Observation, observation, that was a sly trick of obser- 
 vation. 
 
 All powers soon began to think his brother's case his 
 
 own, sir. 
 And join'd unanimous to save each one his respective 
 
 throne, sir; 
 
31 
 
 Said they, if heads for nought lopp'd off, and we stand 
 by so tame, sir. 
 
 We soon shall have these daring dogs serve us in turn 
 the same, sir. 
 
 Palpitation, palpitation, oh, that was a devilish palpi- 
 tation. 
 
 Soon fleets and armies were equipp'd, to give the ma- 
 rauders battle. 
 
 And cannons re-echo'd from all quarters with tremend- 
 ous rattle ; 
 
 The widow and poor orphan cry for fathers now no 
 more, sir. 
 
 And heroes brave ne'er expect again to see their native 
 shore, sir. 
 
 Desolation, desolation, oh what a dreadful desolation. 
 
 Whilst music dins the clang of arms, and colours they 
 are flying. 
 
 Little think they of the thousands slain, or the groans 
 of those that's dying ; 
 
 What's then to be done ? I'll tell you what : stand by, 
 not interpose, sir. 
 
 For those that do, depend upon't, will wipe a bloody 
 nose, sir. 
 
 Consolation, consolation, oh that's a charming consola- 
 tion. 
 
32 
 
 OR, 
 
 Hail! hail! thou rosy, sprightly morn, 
 Who does the trees and fields adorn 
 With blossoms, flowers, and lilies gay, 
 Sweet emblems of May-day. 
 Young lads and lasses dance and sing 
 To welcome in the cheerful spring ; 
 While cans of flip inspire the soul 
 As they jovially foot it round the pole — 
 
 (Spoken.) — At the renowned Yorkshire Stingo, where 
 the squires of the knot and their sweethearts vie with 
 each other in curricles, tandems, whiskies, and buggies, 
 to pay adoration to the rosy Goddess of health — 
 
 While dulcet music sweetly play 
 
 To celebrate this day ; 
 Let us dance and sing from morning to night, 
 
 May comes but once a year ; 
 • And we may not be here 
 Another, to enjoy its delight. 
 
 Next the sweeps, as fine as city beaux, 
 Dress'd out so smart in spangled clothes, 
 With brush and shovel they jig around 
 While garlands deck the festive ground ; 
 
33 
 
 Where milk-raaids skip with heels so light. 
 For country dance is their delight ; 
 And the fiddler, with his wig awry. 
 Is tossing up for a mutton pie. 
 
 (Spoken.) — Here's at you, Moses, first turn-up. — -Vel, 
 vomans. — It's heads, it's heads. — You sheat, you sheat, 
 as I hope to be shaved ; you sheat vorse as all our 
 peoples put togedder, in Dukes's Place. 
 
 Now the bells call away. 
 
 Come the grave, come the gay ; 
 Come, dance and sing from morning to night. 
 
 May comes but once a year ; 
 
 And you may not be here 
 Another to enjoy its delight. 
 
 The trumpet sounds — the Fair's begun ; 
 
 All ranks repair to see the fun : 
 
 There lotteries, with mountebanks. 
 
 Proclaim all prizes — but no blanks ; 
 
 With gingerbread and curious toys 
 
 For full-grown babes as well as boys ; 
 
 Gay ribbon stalls with dainty gear. 
 
 And guttling booths with good strong beer — 
 
 (Spoken.) — Here's your sort for good English sto- 
 machs — for two-penny 's-worth of tripe and a dab of 
 cabbage, a yard of plum-pudding is given into the bar- 
 gain — 
 
 c 
 
34 
 
 Whilst pipe and tabor sweetly play 
 
 To enliven the day ; 
 Let us dance and sing from morning to night. 
 
 May comes but once a year ; 
 
 And we may not be here 
 Another to enjoy its delight. 
 
 Here's lions, tigers, and modern jackals 
 
 With eagles, porcupines, and ostrich tall ; 
 
 Rhinoceros with armour strong. 
 
 And elephant with trunk so long. 
 
 Will pick your pocket in a trice. 
 
 Like monkies, thou not quite so nice j 
 
 In short, we have birds and beasts so rare. 
 
 If you saw them all, 'twould make you stare. 
 
 (Spoken.) — Walk in, walk in, ladies and gentlemen. 
 Here's the most wonderful corpulent black Fox ever 
 seen in this kingdom, caught by farmer George in his 
 ministerial trap, as he was endeavouring to undermine 
 the popularity of his hen coop. 
 
 But hark ! the bag-pipes merrily play. 
 
 Cast care another way ; 
 Come dance and sing from morning to night : 
 
 May-day comes but once a year. 
 
 And we may not be here 
 Another, to enjoy its dehght. 
 
3^ 
 
 Now single stick the crowd elates. 
 
 And all in turn get broken pates ; 
 
 While girls are running up and down 
 
 For a holland smock or camlet gown. 
 
 Next a jack-ass race for a gold laced hat. 
 
 Between brickdust Sam and brawny Pat; 
 
 Now some bet high, while others bawl — 
 
 Sam's ass will get first to the stall. 
 
 (Spoken.)— O yes! O yes ! O yes! This is to give 
 notice, six toothless old women will grin through horse 
 collars this afternoon, at the sign of cruck'd finger Jack, 
 for a gallon of blue ruin and a pound of snufF. — 
 
 Here delightfully play. 
 
 To celebrate the day. 
 The marrow bones and cleavers from morning to night : 
 
 It comes but once a year. 
 
 And they may not be here 
 Another, to afford such delight. 
 
 Here's the automatical figure that can tell 
 Your name, or sweetheart's, very well ; 
 With wax-work that will surprise you all. 
 Both old and young, and great and small. 
 An infant, six weeks old, can talk. 
 Huge giants that can't speak or walk ; 
 With wonders more, which I could name. 
 But that's enough to stamp my fame. 
 
36 
 
 (Spoken.) — Here's a most extraordinary prodigy of 
 nature ever seen, in this or any country ; — a beautiful fe- 
 male child, born twenty years after her father died. 
 
 Walk in ladies and gentlemen pray. 
 
 The harmonic music play ; 
 Here is fun alive from morning to night : 
 
 May's frolics once a year ; 
 
 And we may not be here. 
 To exhibit again such charming delight. 
 
 From this balcony you have a view 
 
 Of cows and oxen not a few ; 
 
 With goats and calves, wild boars and hogs. 
 
 And rams and lambs, and barking dogs ; 
 
 Horses and asses twenty score. 
 
 With heifers tame, while mad bulls roar : — ■ 
 
 To speak the truth, I do declare 
 
 My show bangs all throughout the fair. 
 
 ( Spoken.)— Why now there's that there mon whot 
 shows the lions and all the wild beastes's has nothing 
 in his collection to compare to mine : he has'n't got 
 sich a hanimal as a hunicorn with twa horns. 
 
 Here the clarions loudly bray 
 
 To the delight of the gay. 
 With plenty of good cheer from morning to night ; 
 
 May comes but once a year. 
 
 And we may not be here 
 To produce such another astonishing sight. 
 
37 
 
 Step in and see the guillotine 
 That beheaded Louis and his Queen, 
 With fortunes told and slight of hand, 
 Will remove St. Paul's at command : 
 Don't hear their nonsense, for I know 
 There's none can beat my puppet show ; 
 Pray walk this way and you shall see 
 The mighty army of Vandee. 
 
 (Spoken.) — To be seen, at a moment's notice, all 
 alive on a trencher, the whole world in full action, en- 
 gaged in a bloody battle for liberty. — 
 
 Here the dancing dolls display 
 
 All their finery for the day. 
 To welcome their visitors from morning to night ; 
 
 Before they disappear 
 
 For another long year. 
 When they'll amuse you again with their usual dehght. 
 
 The day's far spent, and night's come on. 
 And Bettys couple off with Johns, 
 To have a dance to finish all. 
 And now we'll suppose them at the ball : 
 Now hornpipe, or else cotillion, 
 Or tipsy reel, or jovial song. 
 Conclude the sports with kisses round ; 
 What else besides? I'll be profound. 
 
38 
 
 (Spoken.) — Oh you hussy, you dirty minx, to stay 
 out so late ! What ! and you wear a pad, too, forsooth ? 
 Egad, I'll have it taken off immediately — no artificial 
 appearances for me. I wish I could, mother ; but — 
 but — but — it's a natural one, that John gave me at the 
 fair : but he swears he'll marry me 
 
 Now the music's left off play. 
 
 And the grave and the gay 
 Are retir'd to rest from the fatigues of the night. 
 
 Until May comes next year : 
 
 If alive, they'll all be there 
 To celebrate again its enchanting delights. 
 
 A CAUTION. 
 
 Tho' Time flies fast, the poet sings. 
 With invisible outstretch'd wings. 
 And nought is seen of him behind 
 But shadow, swifter than the wind ; 
 Yet I can such a fact relate 
 As will surprise you, when I state 
 That here, beneath this royal seat. 
 Time has laid dormant, in the deep ; 
 
39 
 
 And would have remain'd there until now, 
 
 If not discover'd in the slough ; 
 
 Which to prevent in future times. 
 
 Hang by the forelock near these lines 
 
 His brazen face that you might see. 
 
 He don't attempt again to flee ; 
 
 Orsculk away, like some vile knave. 
 
 To hide himself without your leave. 
 
 But watch him as a treacherous friend. 
 
 In whom you no way can depend : 
 
 And by that treatment do not fear 
 
 He'll e'er lie again, or disappear ; 
 
 But be a friend indeed to you. 
 
 And pay you all attention due ; 
 
 By night and day your house he'll keep 
 
 Cleanly, orderly, and neat : 
 
 For every moment's mark'd by him. 
 
 Whether good or bad, when he begin 
 
 To keep account of men's affairs 
 
 Till death do end their worldly cares. 
 
 Meanwhile mount your throne of state. 
 
 And weighty matters cogitate. 
 
 Of love, or war, or wisdom sage; 
 
 But Bacchus must not your thoughts engage 
 
 For if he does, he'll 'vantage take. 
 
 And ever after be a rake. 
 
40 
 
 Wandering where no one can tell. 
 And at home will never dwell. 
 So to catch him will be vain, 
 You'll never more see him again. 
 Then let us from this moral, brother. 
 For the good of one another. 
 Keep time for ever in our sight. 
 And we shall assuredly all go right. 
 
 ^fj^ tjone^t Jetp* 
 
 Moses Clinchfist's my name, well known in Duke's 
 
 Place ; 
 And my trade, as a merchant, thank God's no disgrace ; 
 Not like my brethren, so sharkingly bent. 
 Cent, per cent, for my profit gives me content ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew vot takes care of mineself. 
 And that is the vay I makes so much pelf. 
 
 I am silversmith, jeweller, likewise watch-maker; 
 In fact there is nothing I can't undertake, sir ; 
 My house is a fence to all on the lay ; 
 Nice goods come by night, that can't come by day. 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
41 
 
 A furnace I keep, which nevei- is cold. 
 To transmute old plate from silver to gold ; 
 Which is done in a trice, hke legerdemain. 
 And not a scruple of conscience ever remain ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
 I lend pops out to bloods of birth and renown. 
 To go a collecting in and round Town j 
 With a host of Jew-boys to buy up bad shillings. 
 To vend them again on those that are willing ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
 If my men are successful, and bring well to the lock. 
 They may live a few years e're they come to the drop ; 
 But should they prove lazy, or think to turn stag. 
 They weigh me a forty, and that stops their brag ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
 Sometimes I devour what Christians call pork ; 
 And as for the sabbath, I care not a groat ; 
 I can bribe the high-priest with a sanctified face. 
 And circumcise all with an Israelite grace ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
 When I began business, Paul'sChurch-yard was my stand; 
 I bought, stole, and sold, what came to my hand. 
 
42 
 
 But being grown rich, I now strut in gold lace. 
 And am call'd the great king of mighty Duke's-place ; 
 For I'm right honest Jew, &c. 
 
 Immortal Xi^l^on* 
 
 Hail! Nelson, brave Nelson, of glorious renown. 
 Whose brow's been so oft adorn 'd with the crown 
 Of vict'ries transcendent on the foaming wave. 
 To uphold England's honour, and Albion to save : 
 But, alas ! the career of thy triumph's complete, 
 And Britannia and Neptune in concert do weep 
 For their son, whose bright shade bids Britons pursue. 
 To immortalize him, who has immortalized you. 
 
 All ages to come thy name will revere. 
 And thy country's love hold thee most dear; 
 Thy valour in arms each Briton adore. 
 Who instruct all her sons to emulate more ; 
 Its the standard for all gallant heroes to vie. 
 And, like the brave Nelson, to conquer or die : 
 For England expects every man to be true 
 To his king, to his country, his duty, and crew. 
 
43 
 
 Then long may the star of brave Nelson remain 
 
 A terror to France, to Holland and Spain ; 
 
 To light our bold tars o'er the ocean to steer ; 
 
 In the battle's dread conflict their hearts for to cheer. 
 
 With this noble reflection, tho' the world were in arms. 
 
 To bid them defiance, and fear no alarms ; 
 
 But think on your chieftain, and courageously sing — 
 
 Nelson for ever ! our country and king. 
 
 Mv. ffiuttttngiiott* 
 
 Beneath this stone, cramm'd in a hole, 
 
 (There's not a doubt of that remains, we know,) 
 
 Lies Patience Meek — rest her soul 
 In heaven above, or else in hell below. 
 
 A more sanctified devotee Providence ne'er attended 
 She backbited her neighbours scandalously. 
 
 With sham piety and hypocrisy blended; 
 Yet never swore, but lied most dam — ly. 
 
44 
 
 She'd say, " My dear, 'tis a blessed thing we've got" 
 (Now this was to her husband while at dinner) 
 
 " Such precious soup, when no meat's in the pot : 
 God's will be done to us poor wicked sinners. 
 
 Besides we have a sainted Huntino^don : 
 
 Bless his name for evermore, I say ; 
 He's a man of God sent to us, undone. 
 
 Sinful reptiles, for to shew the way 
 
 To happiness, peace, grace and charity : 
 The latter is well known my ample boom 
 
 To all Christ's people every chapel day — 
 
 For when we've eat the meat, I give the bone. 
 
 But yet the devil's with me, always busy. 
 Whilst offering up my prayers for the poor. 
 
 Well knowing my spouse and maid Blowsy 
 Is playing off the w behind the door ; 
 
 Twenty or thirty times I've caught them out : 
 
 Yet I was used to like it in my youth. 
 And would, to be reveng'd, immediately set about. 
 
 If I was able, with Huntingdon, that's truth." 
 
 This poor worthy soul would fret her so, • 
 You could not see a single rib she had. 
 
45 
 
 Grown from a weasel to a porpus, lo ! 
 That was a sure sign she was very bad. 
 
 Of love, no one had more, but then 'twas self. 
 
 Her friendly and kind advice she gave most free 
 In learning, elegance, and manners, quite an elf ; 
 
 Yet vainly thought her equal none could be. 
 
 Her failings outweigh 'd all her virtues rare ; 
 
 But since she's gone, alas ! why need we cry ? 
 Death has buried in oblivion all her care. 
 
 Which will be our case whene'er we die. 
 
 WBint antr Unlje* 
 
 At the Temple of Bacchus reigns humour and mirth. 
 With every pleasure that abounds upon earth ; 
 There the myrtle of Venus round the vine doth entwine. 
 And friendship and harmony ever combine. 
 
 No affairs of the nation perplexeth the brain ; 
 No Wig nor vile Tory dare put in a claim ; 
 There Bacchus and Venus enlivens the soul. 
 And bury all care in a full flowing bowl. 
 
46 
 
 If wisdom is wanting, 'twill make a man wise ; 
 If dim in his sight, 'twill brighten his eyes; 
 If duns' at his gate, or under control, 
 He may banish all care in a full flowing bowl. 
 
 Ete WiovW^ a mittu. 
 
 This pompous world is Hke a bubble floating in the air, 
 Blow'd up, if fortune smiles— or down, if caprice frowns 
 despair : 
 
 All classes of this wonderous age I'll soon explain's a 
 
 bubble ; 
 And Church and State, though e'er so great, but bubbles 
 
 full of trouble : — 
 View the nation, high or low, bubbles you'll find from 
 
 top to toe. 
 
 Chiefs are great bubbles, its well known that's been 
 
 rais'd or depress'd at pleasure ; 
 And statesmen are bubbles, whose chief aim's that 
 
 mighty bubble, treasure : 
 Whether Wig or Tory, friend or foe, a bubble's all the 
 
 pother : 
 Thus all the world, both great and small, bubble one 
 
 another. 
 
 View, &c. 
 
47 
 
 Physicians, Lawyers, and Divines, are bubbles that 
 
 bubble all mankind. 
 By nostrums strong, and parchments long, man's life a 
 
 bubble you'll find. 
 Yet tho' the breath of man's a bubble, merely to give 
 
 grim death trouble ; 
 It's like a sword or fire — consume a world as stubble. 
 View, &c. 
 
 Your factious demagogues are bubbles of a short du- 
 ration. 
 Led on by furious Jocobins to murder and rob the nation : 
 But exclamation, alteration, and reformation, causes a 
 
 proclamation 
 That throw Painites, Foxites, and Jacobites into a con- 
 sternation. 
 
 View, &.C. 
 
 Your noted gamblers are bubbles of the worst descrip- 
 tion. 
 
 That float on inexperienced youth, to their dire destruc- 
 tion; 
 
 Who being allur'd to the hell in St. James's Street, 
 
 Bubble their senses, in a trice, from Crockford's to the 
 Fleet. 
 
 View, 8cc. 
 
48 
 
 We have bubbles of beautiful ladies, miss, wife or widow, 
 
 of all denominations. 
 To soothe the anguish of expiring lovers, that are bubbl'd 
 
 to desperation ; 
 With bubbles of fortune-hunters and demireps, sculking 
 
 up and down ; 
 Like locusts on the earth, they eat up all the town. 
 View, &c. 
 
 We are bubbled by arts and sciences, mechanical, philo- 
 sophical, and magical; 
 
 With bubbles of virtuosos, astrologers and philosophers, 
 both comical and tragical ; 
 
 But now to bubble a conclusion, I'm a bubble with the 
 rest; 
 
 For I bubble you all, while you bubble the jest. 
 View, &c. 
 
 A FABLE. 
 
 A Miser, who possess'd much store. 
 And still was adding more and more. 
 By subsisting as it were on crumbs. 
 To accumulate his wealth to plums. 
 
49 
 
 Had placed it in a private station. 
 
 To pay it daily adoration. 
 
 His garden was the sanctum ground 
 
 Where, low in earth, lay most profound 
 
 His life, his heart, his very soul — 
 
 I may say god, without control. 
 
 In dead of night, when balmy sleep 
 
 O'erwhelms the world, he then doth creep 
 
 To glut his sight, and ponder o'er 
 
 His massive hoard of golden ore ; 
 
 Tho' not the least of noise he hears. 
 
 Suspicion rouses all his fears ; 
 
 Distorts his frame and shakes his limbs. 
 
 And makes him fancy a thousand things. 
 
 For knowing well he ground the poor, 
 
 A load of guilt laid at his door ; 
 
 Which Heav'n would avenge in time — 
 
 A just award for such a crime. 
 
 He never dreamt of retribution 
 
 Until it came, to his confusion ; 
 
 Which at one blast swept off his treasure. 
 
 And upset all his future pleasure ; 
 
 As by the sequel you will see. 
 
 Produced, ere long, the catastrophe. 
 
 With cautious heed he looks around. 
 
 Surveying anxiously the ground ; 
 
 D 
 
50 
 
 There eagerly he heaves away 
 
 The pond'rous stone without delay 
 
 That covered o'er this mine of wealth, 
 
 Known to no man but himself; 
 
 Where with wild joy right glad to find 
 
 His cash, in tale, as left behind. 
 
 Now o'er his bags, with avaricious shrug. 
 
 He blesses all his wealth, and leaves it snug. 
 
 But neighbour Sly, unseen by Gripe, 
 
 Watch'd him as sportsmen watch a snipe ; 
 
 Wondering what he could be at. 
 
 Groping about like a maniac 
 
 At such an unseasonable hour of night. 
 
 As a troubled wayward spright. 
 
 Who haunts a place to discover 
 
 Some horrid murder to a lover. 
 
 His appearance was more of a skeleton, 
 
 Than any semblance to living man : — 
 
 A loathsome visage, death-like wan ; 
 
 Eyes sunk deep ; cheeks all gone ; 
 
 A nose and chin quite nut-crackers ; 
 
 And his whole garb was all to tatters : 
 
 Such a Joseph's coat ne'er was seen before. 
 
 If Rag-fair had been search 'd from door to door, 
 
 Sly laugh'd to see his figure and attitude. 
 
 Resolving soon on old Hunks to intrude ; 
 
51 
 
 Accordingly, as soon as Gripe had started, 
 Sly drained the precious hoard, and then departed. 
 Leaving some pebbles, which he thought as good 
 As tho' the gold was there, as matters stood : 
 But mark his next visit to this sacred dell, 
 What shocking hideous howls and dreadful yell 
 That issue from the cave (which gave such joys 
 To the poor wretch, while it held his toys) ; 
 Cursing the perpetrators of the plot : 
 When Plutus, in human shape, came to the spot, 
 And having learnt the cause that gave him pain. 
 Replied, " Think these stones the gold, and you're 
 
 the same : 
 For know, base wretch ! fortune never gave 
 Riches to mortals, to become a slave 
 To sordid avarice, or to act the knave." 
 So saying, in an instant took his flight. 
 And left the miser in his wretched plight. 
 He now with grief to all relates his case. 
 Hoping thereby his lost gold to trace. 
 But finds no pity in a single face. 
 Thus, seeing no one willing to take his part, 
 Finish'd his covetous Ufe with broken heart. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 If fortune blesses you with wealth. 
 Be not that avaricious elf 
 
 \ 
 
52 
 
 Who grinds to lay a treasure by. 
 In hope that he shall never die : 
 But dry the widow and the orphan's tears ; 
 Relieve their wants, and dispel their cares. 
 And while you here enjoy the vital air. 
 Let all your words and actions be sincere : 
 Your name will then in future ages shine. 
 When you are vanish 'd from this earthly clime 
 For know, virtue and charity are brighter treasures 
 Than all the gold of Ophir by ill-got measures. 
 
 me HSnviaL 
 
 My friends who are here. 
 To this burial draw near. 
 For Vicar gay Bacchus I've found ; 
 He's the lad to replenish 
 The bowls that we finish : 
 Henceforward all sadness be drown'd ; 
 No sorrow shall frown on this happy day, 
 But mirth, unalloy'd, shall pass time away. 
 
 This wife of controul 
 Is gone to her dole ; 
 
53 
 
 And, what's very strange to relate. 
 
 Hell would not receive her. 
 
 Nor heaven relieve her : 
 Doctor Faustus to her was an ape. 
 No sorrow, &c. 
 
 After seven years' strife. 
 
 She departed this life; 
 An exit her husband so long'd : 
 
 Let each jovial young soul 
 
 Drink deep of the bowl. 
 That wish to be free from such bond. 
 No sorrow, &,c. 
 
 Oft times we've been told. 
 
 By historians of old. 
 How the brave in their liberties boast ; 
 
 So I'm happy to think 
 
 Her powers extinct : 
 Here's a bumper, to freedom's the toast. 
 No sorrow, &.c. 
 
 Now let all dull care 
 
 From hence disappear. 
 Never more to teaze me, I hope ; 
 
 Spouse is gone to her doom. 
 
 For a better to come ; 
 When to her my best love I'll devote. 
 No sorrow, &,c. 
 
54 
 
 ^f^e €ommvingi €at^. 
 
 A SAILOR d'ye see 's made of hearty good stuff. 
 And of roving and fighting he can't have enough ; 
 We are staunch to all foes, whene'er they come near. 
 And their decks we soon clear with three British cheers. 
 Death or victory's the word, sons of Mars, in a battle. 
 While the cannons re-echo, prittle, prattle, prattle. 
 Such dreadnoughts are we, that the god of wars 
 Gave us the name of the Conquering Tars. 
 
 If the wind's abaft, or the surge runs high. 
 Or tremendous squalls roll through the sky. 
 We stem the tide, and brave the storm. 
 For a true English tar will danger scorn. 
 While our Spanish lasts, we've a happy life. 
 For in every port can find a wife ; 
 And when rhino's short, we courageous tars 
 Replenishes again from the sons of Mars. 
 
 Then home we steer, with hearts elate 
 
 Of success, while our enemies lament their hard fate ; 
 
 And on that day, for succeeding years. 
 
 We drink the king's health with three British cheers. 
 
55 
 
 Not forgetting the girl we love most to our heart. 
 As likewise old Neptune, for taking our part ; 
 But above all the rest, to the God of Wars, 
 That made British seamen invincible tars. 
 
 ^npev^tition. 
 
 When dame Religion a stalking-horse was made. 
 
 And popes and cardinals carried on the trade 
 
 Of superstition, bigotry and vice ; 
 
 And monks and friars were not over nice 
 
 In pardons, dispensations, and remissions 
 
 For murder, incest, rapine, and sedition ; 
 
 'Twas satire exposed the infernal priestcraft sway. 
 
 Dispell'd the gloom, and freedom restored to day. 
 
 Justice and mercy then went hand in hand. 
 
 And peace and plenty crown'd the happy land. 
 
 itolie anlr Igarmotti)* 
 
 When Stephen first I did behold (tho' many a lover 1 
 
 had seen,) 
 My heart with palpitation throbb'd, as I was dancing 
 
 on the green : 
 
56 
 
 He join'd the ring with smiles so sweet, while all in 
 
 airy glee 
 Dispell'd dull care from every heart with love and harmony. 
 
 The dance being o'er he came to me, and took me by 
 
 the hand. 
 And said — Dear girl, will you be mine ? How could I 
 
 thus a youth withstand. 
 Who whisper'd tender notes of love, and spoke so kind 
 
 and free. 
 And vow'd he'd wed if I'd consent — 'twas ecstacy to me. 
 
 I soon the nuptial day did name, which pleas 'd my 
 
 lowly swain ; 
 Whose beauty, and the joys thereof, I ever shall proclaim. 
 The bells did ring, the birds did sing — all nature seem'd 
 
 in glee. 
 That I and Stephen now was join'd in love and harmony. 
 
 ta^'be N^gro*0 €on$oIattott* 
 
 When Piganinny first was I, 
 
 I travers'd rocks or mountains high. 
 
 And desart wild explore ; 
 
57 
 
 Whilst I'd my bow, 
 
 No fear did know, 
 The' hungry wild beast roar ; 
 
 Thus every day 
 
 I pass'd away 
 In joy and sportive gig ; 
 
 And dance and sing 
 
 To semero ting 
 Some wild romantic jig. 
 
 When grown a man. 
 Arms was my plan 
 
 To revenge my country's cause; 
 I many a scalp have borne away. 
 And in battle always won the day. 
 
 With very great applause ; 
 Then I'd dance and sing 
 While semero ting. 
 
 The music light and gay. 
 But now, alas ! 
 It is all pass'd. 
 
 Poor negro work — no play. 
 
 A dreadful tale I have to tell, 
 I recollect it but too well. 
 It tore me from my home; 
 
58 
 
 For white mans came, 
 
 Made me their game. 
 And barter'd me for rum. 
 
 Then no more day 
 
 I pass away 
 In joy and sportive gig ; 
 
 Or dance or sing 
 
 To semero ting 
 The wild romantic jig. 
 
 Thus parted from my friends and wife. 
 The only joy and bliss of life. 
 By the wide salty main. 
 
 Had I but them, I'd ne'er repine, 
 
 Tho' whips about my body twine. 
 And make me die with pain : 
 
 I'd bless the day, 
 
 Tho' far away. 
 In songs both sweet and gay. 
 
 But, alas ! alas ! 
 
 It is all pass'd. 
 Poor negro work — no play. 
 
 Yet though my destiny be hard, 
 I soon shall meet a great reward 
 From old Benamuchee, 
 
59 
 
 Who waits to crown with chaplets gay 
 As soon as death shall fix the day 
 To go to my own country. 
 Then every day, 
 I'll pass away 
 In joy and mirthful gig ; 
 
 And dance and sing 
 To semero ting 
 Some wild romantic jig. 
 
 IBpitaplb on a asaaUftman anli WiiU. 
 
 Here lies an old scout 
 
 That made a great rout. 
 And was counted a cunning old fox ; 
 
 But death stopp'd his prattle. 
 
 And silenced his rattle, 
 And left him asleep in his box. 
 
 Soon the news reach'd his wife— 
 
 His darling of life — 
 Who took it so much to heart; 
 
 That she soon shar'd his fate. 
 
 And, strange to relate. 
 She in the same box took a part. 
 
60 
 
 There let them sleep on 
 Till the head patrol come. 
 When he'll rouse them to answer offences 
 That's laid to their charge 
 By the people at large : 
 So no shuffling will do, or pretences. 
 
 Solititnhe. 
 
 Why sighs my charming fair? — why so melancholy 
 grown ? 
 
 What misfortune has befel, thy features to deface ? 
 Pray dispel those crystal drops : let beauty, in her bloom. 
 
 Shine with radiant sprightliness from thy lovely face. 
 Say, was my absence so grievous to you. 
 
 As to wound sensibility's harmonic string? 
 If so, my lovely girl, I ever shall adore you ; 
 
 And with harp and festive song your praises ever 
 sing. 
 
 Hail ! all ye beauteous fair, in frigid or in torrid zone ; 
 
 Let worth so noble be your future guide ; 
 As this angelic maid, whose virtues to the sun 
 
 Excels in refulgence, divested of all pride : 
 
61 
 
 Then will your graces add lustre to your fame. 
 
 And you will gain the heart of every youthful swain. 
 
 Who will extol with ecstacy your name, 
 
 And bless the happy day that Hymen shall ordain. 
 
 €f)e Mtrtu (tohhUv* 
 
 My name is Richard Last, 
 
 A jovial hearty fellow; 
 I works, and sings, and drinks. 
 
 Until I'm pretty mellow. 
 
 (Spoken.) — Dam'me, says I to myself, what's the 
 world to me? I'm but a lodger: and when I'm gone, 
 all's gone. So I hammers away from morning to night, 
 neither sick nor sorry, meddling nor making, nor 
 troubling my knob with your Aristocrats, nor your De- 
 mocrats, nor your Jacobites, nor your Proselytes, nor 
 your politics, nor none of your tricks. 
 
 With my ran tan, tittle little, ran ; 
 
 With my ran tan taro ; 
 What care I for state affairs O ? 
 
62 
 
 What's the King, or Pitt, to me ? 
 
 Or all such sorts of folks O ? 
 I love my King to be sure ; 
 
 But I don't love Billy's jokes O. 
 
 (Spoken.) — He's a damn'd rum sort of a fellow. It 
 was but the other day I had two grand windows in the 
 front of my stall ; till Billy thought fit to tax our lights : 
 and now I am stived up with only a sniff of air, and a 
 glim of light that comes from my hatch. Would to God 
 he had thought of the hair-powder tax, (that only af- 
 fects our city beaux,) before he had blinded us poor 
 cobblers ! — But he'll be blinded, by-and-bye, and be 
 d — n'd to him ! 
 
 With my ran tan, &c. 
 
 Captain Bluster struts and swells : 
 Honest Crispin, will you list O ? 
 
 Here's twenty guineas, in gold, 
 I'll put into your fist O. 
 
 (Spoken.) — Thank ye, says I, Mr. Sarjeant, I'd rather 
 be excused : for, d'ye see, my gold-laced jacket gem- 
 man, after the money's spent, then comes all the plague 
 and slavery of the business ; there's — Shoulder arms ! — 
 To the right about face ! — March ! — and, instead of a 
 belly-full of grub, the pleasing satisfaction of a bullet 
 smack at one's sconce, or a sword through one's body ; 
 so that after all the delightful fun in the field of glory. 
 
63 
 
 up to the knees in blood, there's nothing like content- 
 ment, tho' in a cobbler's stall. Your golden bait won't 
 catch a gudgeon this time, Mr. Jackanapes ; so be gone. 
 
 With my ran tan, &c. 
 
 Brother Snob, says Dickey Last, 
 Why don't you, boy, get married ? 
 
 It's time — without you meant 
 
 When to your grave you're carried. 
 
 (Spoken.) — Why look ye, my lad of wax, says I, I 
 know when I am best off: now there's no wife to be 
 continually pulling the corks out of one's pocket ; — no 
 wife to cuckold me, and bring me swarms of bairns into 
 the house ; — no wife to put me in a passion, to send my 
 soul to the devil. I can now do as I like ; go to-bed 
 when I please, or get up when I please ; work when I 
 please, or play when I please ; but the greatest of all 
 pleasures, I can get drunk when I please : no one to 
 controul or call me to account : — in short, I'm as happy 
 with my humble lot as a prince, and as great in my 
 stall as a king. 
 
 With my ran tan, &c. 
 
64 
 
 ISciualiti); 
 
 A REFLECTION. 
 
 Behold a king in all his splendour shine 
 
 But for a day, and all his pomps a shrine ! 
 
 Behold a beggar, soliciting- for bread. 
 
 In death's a monarch in his clay-cold bed ; 
 
 For there a slave rests, who, to toil no more, 
 
 Releas'd from labour, is no longer poor ; 
 
 Whilst kings, from palaces superb, cast down, 
 
 Return'd to mould, who once enjoy 'd a crown. 
 
 Become no better than a beggar's dust. 
 
 But must submit their corse, like them to rust : 
 
 For no pre-eminence lies in the grave. 
 
 With Him who has the wonderous power to save 
 
 The soul of man from perdition's dreadful gripe. 
 
 Or hurl it to the endless shades of night : 
 
 'Tis all the same, whether beggar or king. 
 
 Unless those things are done that pleaseth Him 
 
 Who views, from Heaven's high throne, the deeds of all 
 
 Mankind that dwell upon the terraqueous ball; 
 
 And pity feels for the weakness of those hearts 
 
 That yield, unconscious, to the tempter's arts : 
 
 But to the obdurate, unrelenting foe. 
 
 His sentence of unextinguishable woe. 
 
G5 
 
 But rewards vvitli celestial gifts the zealous just. 
 
 Whose talent has been increas'd, given to their trust, 
 
 With glorious beatitude for miseries here. 
 
 When 'tis His pleasure before Him to appear. 
 
 Thus kings are beggars, when to earth consign'd, 
 
 And beggars kings— distinctions unconfin'd. 
 
 O gracious God, who has it thus ordain 'd. 
 
 To let man know thy power is unrestrained. 
 
 Thou makest him tremble at thy awful name, 
 
 Tho e'er so mighty, or i-enown'd in fame. 
 
 Proud, haughty Pharaoh dared thy omnipotent arm, 
 
 Tho' he had seen thy wonders with alarm ; 
 
 For which he perish 'd, and his mighty host. 
 
 In the Red Gulf e'er he had reached the coast. 
 
 King Nebuchadnezzar's loft was forced to yield, 
 
 To feed with beasts and reptiles of the field. 
 
 And great Goliath, of wonderful stature tall. 
 
 Before a stripling's feet did prostrate fall. 
 
 Because he despis'd with scoff the living God, 
 
 Whose champion he defy'd, and call'd him dog. 
 
 But, on the other hand, see Joseph rose 
 
 (By profound secrets he did from Heaven disclose) 
 
 To be a ruler o'er a mighty land, 
 
 And save a nation by his generous hand. 
 
 Then Saul, by God's command was made a king; 
 
 And pious David next succeeded him : 
 
 E 
 
66 
 
 Drawn from the sheep-fold, by impulse divine. 
 To be a king, prophetic and sublime. 
 
 READER, 
 
 Learn from these truths the power of God alone. 
 Who at will doth raise— at will dethrone ; 
 And may'st thou from this time thy life survey. 
 To mend thy actions ere time flies away. 
 Remember, when 'tis past there's no recal. 
 For death, e'er soon or late, will level all. 
 And make us equal, whether great or small. 
 
 \ 
 
 (taxtU^^ JacK* 
 
 Tho' winds and storms dismast our bark, 
 
 Or dash her all to smack. 
 No dano-ers e'er affect the heart 
 Of roving; careless Jack : 
 But blithe and jolly. 
 Drive melancholy 
 Away with cans of grog ; 
 To toast each girl. 
 As life we furl. 
 While time is on the jog : 
 
&7 
 
 For sometimes high, 
 
 And sometimes low. 
 Yet nought shall ever back 
 
 Rowing, towing, 
 
 Lugging, tugging, 
 'Tis all one to careless Jack. 
 
 If haughty foes invade our right. 
 
 And think to rule at sea. 
 We tars soon teach them how to fight- 
 The sons of liberty : 
 
 For the flowing can 
 Inspires each man 
 With Hons' hearts, on deck 
 To stand to our guns 
 Like true Britons, 
 'Till the enemy's a wreck : 
 Thus sometimes smooth 
 And sometimes rough. 
 Tars never turn their back ; 
 Rowing, towing. 
 Lugging, tugging, 
 'Tis all one to careless Jack. 
 
 Thus sailors envy no man's lot ; 
 
 The sea is our dehght : 
 We happy souls care not a jot 
 
 While all on board is tight ; 
 
68 
 
 For the flowing can 
 Inspires each man 
 
 With spirits all agog, 
 To dance and sing 
 Long live the king, 
 
 The pretty girls and grog : 
 Thus sometimes merry. 
 And sometimes cherry. 
 
 No trouble puts us aback ; 
 Rowing, towing, 
 Lugging, tugging, 
 
 'Tis all one to careless Jack. 
 
 ^f)t "bapp^ (Eottaqtv. 
 
 Brother cottagers listen to my simple ditty, 
 
 Tho' wonderful strange, I assure you 'tis true ; 
 I know all the cheats of London fine city. 
 
 The quirks of the law, and intrigues of court, too. 
 Each man has a face to answer all ends ; 
 
 And smiles to ensnare a poor innocent clown : 
 His teeth or his money, his bottle or friend. 
 
 Will soon vanish from him by the sharps of the Town. 
 
69 
 
 The Courtier, with fawning and cringing, succeeds 
 
 To titles and pensions, while other folks starve ; 
 The Statesman, he boasts of his patriot deeds, 
 
 Tho' ever so knavish, his purse to surcharge ; 
 The Physician with gravity fingers the fee ; 
 
 The Divine prays a mitre may crown all his toil ; 
 While Blacklegs, and Lawyers, and Jockeys agree : 
 
 Like lambs, tho' like wolves, they devour the spoil. 
 
 If you go to a play, or to see a fine sight, 
 
 You are quizz'd by the wags for the cut of your jib; 
 Nay, the ladies do titter and laugh with delight ; 
 
 Tho' you'd laugh at them, if you saw their droll wigs. 
 The difference is our's, a lank natural scratch ; 
 
 Whilst their's cropped and curl'd like the head of a 
 bull; 
 And faces bedaub 'd with painting and patch. 
 
 That would frighten the devil, much less an owl. 
 
 Then why should we quit this sweet rural spot. 
 
 In search of false friends, vain pleasures or wealth ? 
 If you would be wise, never envy the lot 
 
 Of ambitious fools, who know nothing of health. 
 The horn's sprightly notes call us up in the morn ; 
 
 The hills and the dales their fresh fragrance yield ; 
 While cowslips and primroses deck the gay lawn ; 
 
 And the birds' warbling carol us forth to the field. 
 
70 
 
 Thus, how happy a Hfe does a cottager pass ! 
 
 Unknown to the great, and bustling world : 
 With mind unperplex'd he views time's swift glass, 
 
 Nor regrets the past moments which nature has furl'd ; 
 But contented and cheerful in his humble state. 
 
 With health, rosy health, his cheeks are adorn'd ; 
 He blesses his King, his Country and fate. 
 
 And resigns up his life, unconscious of harm . 
 
 as^enetoM^. 
 
 A GENEROUS Tar who was just come a-shore. 
 
 With his pockets well lin'd with rich Spanish ore. 
 
 Had scarce cruis'd a league, when a mess-mate he hail'd. 
 
 With whom he many a voyage had sail'd, 
 
 And who for many long years thought was dead ; 
 
 As he never had seen him, or heard from Spithead : 
 
 Their meeting was truly pathetic ; for joy 
 
 Diffused from their eyes, free from any alloy. 
 
 For such friendship had spliced them, they were always 
 
 as brothers ; 
 And when rhino ran short, one's purse was the other's. 
 The last time they spoke one another, was when 
 Engaged in a battle, when Ben lost a limb, 
 
71 
 
 And, to add to liis mishap, a prisoner was made. 
 
 But not until ten had fell by his blade. 
 
 Thus divested of weapons, of limb, but not spirit. 
 
 Was exchang'd to his country with honour and merit ; 
 
 But, like a sheer hulk, was laid by as unfit, 
 
 By the gentlemen-butchers of the cock-pit. 
 
 But fortune, tho' fickle, doth sometimes prove kind 
 
 In relieving our wants, by the sequel you'll find : 
 
 For poor Ben, thus disabled, was now drove to distress, 
 
 Near found 'ring for bread, had not Jack him redress 'd : 
 
 Which he did with so frank and noble a heart. 
 
 Refusing all thanks for so worthy a part. 
 
 His manner was thus : — " Dang it, Ben, never mind ; 
 
 In me, my dear boy, a friend you shall find ; 
 
 Tho' all the world flinch, I'll ever be true 
 
 (So saying, he gave him a handful or two) ; 
 
 For know, brother Ben, kind fortune to me 
 
 Has been, without romance, very liberal, d'ye see ? 
 
 The last trip I took will to ages proclaim 
 
 The honour, the riches, and fame we attain'd. 
 
 We had not cruis'd far, when there hove in sight 
 
 A rich Galleon ; when we gave chase for fight, 
 
 And soon brought her too ; and engaged her so bravely, 
 
 That, in less than two glasses, sent half her crew to old 
 
 Davy. 
 Then boarding like brave British tars of renown, 
 We soon made the Dons their colours pull down ; 
 
72 
 
 When we hoisted our own with British cheers three. 
 And sail'd to old England with our Spanish, in glee. 
 Thus my fortune I've made, and now for a wife ; 
 And then, brother Ben, I am settled for life : 
 And if thou hast a mind to live under my roof. 
 Thou art welcome to my heart, so don't stand aloof. 
 Thus safe moor'd in my cot, freed from wars, sea and winds, 
 I'll quaff round the bowl to my wife and my friends; 
 And, whilst I have breath, for ever will sing 
 May the British flag flourish, and long live our King." 
 
 Wbt Isational MehU 
 
 What signifies grumbling and growling like bears. 
 
 About oppression and taxes, and such ? 
 I'll tell you a way will dispel all your cares, 
 If the burden was ten times as much : 
 So pray do not fret 
 At the national debt. 
 Nor the power of statesmen, I say ; 
 Tho' they load your poor back 
 'Till its ready to crack, 
 It's only the whim of the day ; 
 
73 
 
 So be merry and jolly. 
 
 Throw off melancholy. 
 From henceforth banish trouble and pain ; 
 
 A reform, my dear boys, 
 
 Restores liberty's joys. 
 And makes us free Britons a^ain. 
 
 Farmer 's voluptuous, extravagant crew. 
 
 And his legion of sinecure elves. 
 By luxury, debauchery, and gaming, 'tis true. 
 Devour our substance like wolves. 
 But it's useless to fret 
 At the national debt. 
 Or the power of statesmen, I say, 
 Tho' they load your poor back 
 'Till its ready to crack. 
 It's only the whim of the day ; 
 So be merry and jolly. 
 Throw off melancholy. 
 From henceforth banish trouble and pain ; 
 A reform, my dear boys. 
 Restores liberty's joys. 
 And makes us free Britons again. 
 
 Poor Johnny's so terribly hamper'd j ust now ; 
 But the time will shortly arrive. 
 
74 
 
 When, the mask taken off, will expose to his view 
 The voraciousness of the drone hive ; 
 
 So it's no use to fret 
 
 At the national debt, 
 Nor the power of statesmen, I say, 
 
 Tho' they load your poor back 
 
 'Till its ready to crack. 
 It's only the whim of the day; 
 
 So be merry and jolly. 
 
 Throw off melancholy. 
 From henceforth banish trouble and pain ; 
 
 A reform, my dear boys. 
 
 Restores liberty's joys. 
 And makes us free Britons again. 
 
 iilra^utes of tfie (t'bau. 
 
 Hark ! the musical horn, how delightful it sounds ! 
 
 Why tarry so long, my brave boys ? 
 Aurora has peep'd, and the cry of the hounds 
 
 Upbraids you, thus time to destroy ; 
 Come, saddle your steeds, haste away to the field. 
 
 All nature invitingly cry ; 
 Quit business, or sloth, awhile for to yield 
 
 To pleasures that never will die. 
 
75 
 
 For the joys of the chase gives vigour and health. 
 
 And animates even old age ; 
 It makes e'en a miser despise all his wealth. 
 
 And sharpens the wit of the sage. 
 For why should we lads ever trouble our brains 
 
 'Bout the follies and cares of this life ; 
 Its sufficient for us, without all those pains. 
 
 To steer clear of contention and strife. 
 
 Like champions of old we return from the chase. 
 
 With the trophies of victory crown'd, 
 To the sparkling glass (for time flies apace) ; 
 
 So let it go merrily round. 
 Here's a health to our King, in a bumper of sack ; 
 
 May he live long and happy, I say : 
 And, next to our Sire, we will toast the whole pack 
 
 That have join'd in the sports of the day. 
 
 me Naljal lUliat. 
 
 Who dare to call Enghsh valour to account ^ 
 Or say that Britons no danger can surmount ? 
 Who dare her native courage to assail. 
 When Albion's navy every where prevail ? 
 
76 
 
 Whose gallant heroes and undaunted tars 
 
 Have signalized themselves in all our wars 
 
 By the most brilliant victories ever gained ; 
 
 And o'er the world's united force obtained 
 
 A rank superior on the foaming wave ; 
 
 And added to our arms the title, brave. 
 
 Thus have they nobly immortalized their name, 
 
 And rais'd a naval pillar of glorious fame 
 
 Within the breast of each true Briton's soul— 
 
 Of emulation, time can ne'er controul. 
 
 Our beloved King has plough 'd the boundless deep; 
 
 His watchful eye for Britons never sleep. 
 
 His flag's a phoenix, triumphant on the seas. 
 
 And justice guards our sacred liberties. 
 
 To protect, in peace, the happy cottage door. 
 
 The helpless orphan, and the widow poor ; 
 
 With whom he sympathizes in their grief. 
 
 And soothes their sorrows by a kind relief. 
 
 These virtues shed a lustre on the crown 
 
 Of England's king, of vast and great renown; 
 
 Whilst great St. George our sovereign rights maintain,- 
 
 And brave Britannia rules the mighty main. 
 
 The threat of foreign chiefs we'll e'er disdain. 
 
 Hail ! hail ! ye powerful guardians of our isle. 
 
 Long may your grace deign on us to smile. 
 
 Revenge our wrongs ; protect our trade and laws ; 
 
 Inspire our sons to boldly fight our cause ; — 
 
77 
 
 To brave all danger with their wonted fire. 
 
 And scorn to flinch, when we their aid require. 
 
 Thus arm'd, O Albion ! thy glory will arise. 
 
 Like Mount Olympus, to the very skies. 
 
 And terror strike to all her enemies. 
 
 But when with victory your valour's crown'd. 
 
 Let mercy in your noble hearts be found 
 
 To spare the victims that in your hands may fall ; — 
 
 Not in cold blood to massacre them all. 
 
 Like fell despotic power's tyrannic sway. 
 
 That rules mankind as reptiles of a day ; 
 
 But drop a tear of pity on their woes. 
 
 Reflecting they are men, tho' they are foes : 
 
 And not, perhaps, by their own choice led on ; 
 
 But forced, by point of bayonet, from their home. 
 
 To serve a cause, or tyrant whom they hate. 
 
 Against their will : — think how hard their fate. 
 
 Therefore, when you're masters of the main. 
 
 Remember carnage don't your laurels stain. 
 
 May peace her healing wings continue o'er 
 
 This envied spot ; Britannia's sons adore 
 
 Her veterans to return with conquest crown'd ; 
 
 And war's dire thunder no more our ears confound. 
 
 Then will the olive with the vine entwine 
 
 And English equity refulgent shine 
 
 To remote ages in bright history's page. 
 
 To stimulate the warrior and the sage ; 
 
78 
 
 Whilst thus our naval pillar proudly stand, 
 No harm can fall upon our happy land. 
 But peace and harmony go hand in hand. 
 
 ^fi^ tonttntttf Millet. 
 
 How happy a state doth a miller possess. 
 Who from morning to night has his fill 
 
 Of pleasures unbounded, tho' not to excess ; 
 For life, he knows, jogs with his mill. 
 
 In a neat little cot, on a sweet rural spot. 
 By the side of a green mossy hill, 
 
 He is happy and merry, content with his lot- 
 With the gain that comes from his mill. 
 
 In the morning the horn bids slumber arise, 
 Or more sweetly the lark's early trill ; 
 
 Then to labour he goes — for sloth he despise- 
 Singing luck to the clack of his mill. 
 
 Contented in mind, he ne'er envys the great. 
 
 For ambition is never his will ; 
 So long as he's health he's ever elate 
 
 To work with the clack of his mill. 
 
79 
 
 His wife and his children are kept neat and clean. 
 
 And in awe by the mother at will ; 
 While he's sifting the grist, or sweeping the bin. 
 
 To the tune of the clack of his mill. 
 
 Thus, day after day, whole years roll away 
 
 In preserving of life — not to kill. 
 As the churl does the poor — but there'll come a day 
 
 When all must come to the mill. 
 
 iBlta ISnglanir for tt^ttt 
 
 Hark ! how the trumpet brays to arms : 
 
 Come, ye brave and valiant. 
 Rise ! revenge your country's cause ; 
 
 Though proud France, so gallant. 
 Lay their gasconading views. 
 
 With fire and sword pay them their dues. 
 And make them humble rata tata tero, 
 
 'Tis all for the honour of Old England. 
 
 Thy enemies, O happy land. 
 Shall tremble at thy name j 
 
80 
 
 Much less against thy arms to stand, 
 
 Or dare to blast thy fame ; 
 While York our noble rights maintain, 
 
 And Clarence rules the mighty main; 
 We'll laugh at their folly, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 'Tis all for the honour of Old England. 
 
 Our King and constitution ue 
 
 Will ever sacred hold 
 Though Dumourier's banditti 
 
 Pretend to be so bold. 
 Before our flag shall basely fly ; 
 
 We'll boldly conquer, or bravely die 
 For George our King, lada, lada, lera, 
 
 And for the honour of Old England . 
 
 Then come, ye youths, who wish to fight 
 
 For Old England's glory; 
 For ages to come your names will shine 
 
 Bright in British story ; 
 Then join, defend your glorious isle, 
 
 'Till peace upon it once more smile. 
 When we'll dance and sing, fol de dol de daro. 
 
 May old England flourish for ever. 
 
an impromptu to a Hatrtn 
 
 Miss R., it is to you I owe 
 
 An obligation, which I know 
 
 Is though but trivial to impart: 
 
 Yet, I am sorry to ray heart 
 
 Such sad disaster should befal 
 
 To one who meant no harm at all. 
 
 In lieu of, pray Miss accept 
 
 This diamond pin — 'tis brilliant set : 
 
 When on your bosom it aspire, 
 
 The youths with ardour will admire. 
 
 Those charms display 'd will strike the spark. 
 
 Much more the lover, to the heart; 
 
 If you approve with admiration. 
 
 Rejoice to hear your approbation. 
 
 ^tt isxt^mpor^* 
 
 To fulfil, friend Harrison, thy wish. 
 As oft as thou shalt go to fish. 
 Put in thy pocket these few lines. 
 It may perhaps beguile the times ; 
 
82 
 
 If rain comes on, and you want shelter. 
 You run pell-mell, or helter-skelter, 
 To honey-suckle, hedge, or arbour. 
 The fish will crack their sides with laughter ; 
 While you are reading of this book. 
 They eat your tackle, line, and hook ; 
 You'll then go home quite high in dudgeon. 
 Not having caught a single gudgeon : 
 Bless me ! you'll say, this Weguelin 
 Has made me a prince of fishermen. 
 
 Wbt ^ntbov'^ ^tut^xe^^ to iioet^ antr 
 UetixenttnU 
 
 Ye bards who soar on public fame. 
 And still are courting more. 
 
 Solicit great Apollo's flame 
 To add unto your store. 
 
 To give effect to wit sublime, 
 
 And eloquence inspire. 
 That all the spirit of the Nine 
 
 Be join'd in one entire. 
 
83 
 
 When from your brain a poem spring. 
 
 Or opera light and gay. 
 Let every note while on the wing 
 
 Awake to ecstacy. 
 
 To sing the glories of our isle, 
 
 Majestic in the sea, 
 Where every virtue in her smile 
 
 Springs from sweet liberty. 
 
 Dear liberty, the Briton's pride. 
 
 The envious world confess ; 
 The brilliant day-star of our guide. 
 
 That leads to happiness : 
 
 Which foreign pow'rs survey with grief— 
 
 Our riches and renown ; 
 The splendor of our noble chief; 
 
 And princely London Town. 
 
 Fam'd London Town— nor Greece, nor Rome, 
 
 Her charities can boast ; 
 Whose gen'rous hand is ever prone 
 
 To aid where want is most. 
 
84 
 
 And not confin'd to her own shores — 
 
 For nations far and near 
 Receive her bounty from her stores 
 
 When time of need appear. 
 
 Bless 'd happy land ! how much I love 
 
 Thy great exalted name ; 
 Which to the utmost oft I've strove 
 
 To celebrate thy fame. 
 
 But now my muse takes no delight 
 
 In lyre or in lute ; 
 Whose dulcet notes have taken flight. 
 
 For age has made them mute. 
 
 No longer will they entertain : 
 
 So now must bid adieu. 
 To pass the moments that remain 
 
 To me in scenes quite new : 
 
 To spend in rural life my time. 
 
 Away from luxury's ills ; 
 To listen to the village chime. 
 
 And the sweet warbling trills 
 
85 
 
 Of songsters gay, who hail, like me. 
 The opening dawn of morn ; 
 
 That brings with it sweet liberty 
 To every Briton born. 
 
 To mark the snowdrop's early peep ; 
 
 The cowslips of the dale ; 
 The tulip's variegated cheek ; 
 
 The rose-bud's breath inhale. 
 
 To hear the huntsman's bugle horn. 
 
 The lark's sweet matin song ; 
 To brush the dew from off the lawn 
 
 Before the giddy throng- 
 Begin to stir in cities gay, 
 
 Or court-end of the town ; 
 Who buzz like bees where honours lay, 
 
 To fawn about the crown. 
 
 Not so with me : I've had enough 
 
 Of all those foolish toys. 
 To them I leave this empty puff 
 
 For more substantial joys ; 
 
86 
 
 Where innocence is to be found, 
 And simple language spoke ; 
 
 Where inoffensive mirth goes round- 
 Religion not a joke ; 
 
 Where lovers tell their artless tale 
 Of suit in accents sweet ; 
 
 Where sophistry do not beguile 
 To lawless acts not meet ; 
 
 To hear the shepherd's native pipe 
 
 To maidens on the green ; 
 Who dance and sing, with great delight. 
 
 With swains of modest mien ; 
 
 To see the lambkins skip and play. 
 The milk-maid churn her cream ; 
 
 To hear the plough-boy's rustic lay 
 While driving of his team. 
 
 Pegasus I'll no more bestride. 
 
 But sip the fragrant breeze. 
 And view bright Sol at even-tide 
 
 Reclining at my ease. 
 
87 
 
 Descend into the western main, 
 
 To put my soul in mind 
 How soon I shall from pride and pain 
 
 Leave the vain world behind. 
 
 As down the vale of years I glide 
 
 Serenely to my grave, 
 'Till time has stopp'd life's ebbing tide, 
 
 And death no more can crave. 
 
 Thus Ufe will jog, from day to day, 
 
 Most cheerfully and sweet. 
 To smooth old age's rugged way 
 
 In my remote retreat. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Page. 
 
 Author's Address to the Eccentrics 5 
 
 Dedication 9 
 
 Love and War 11 
 
 The Political Tinker 13 
 
 An Epigram 14 
 
 Captain Flash 15 
 
 Rural Felicity 18 
 
 An Epitaph 19 
 
 The Joys of the Chase ib. 
 
 Victory of the Nile 20 
 
 Impromptu on R ecovery 22 
 
 Wine, Love, and War ; or. Time Present ib. 
 
 The Hand Bill 24 
 
 Beauty 25 
 
 English Valour rules the Day 27 
 
 Love and Sorrow 28 
 
 In Memory of Grimalkin ib. 
 
 The Times 29 
 
 Rustic Amusement ; or, the Humours of May-day 32 
 
 Keep Time in View : a Caution 38 
 
 The Honest Jew 40 
 
 Immortal Nelson 42 
 
 An Epitaph on a worthy Proselyte of Mr. Huntingdon 43 
 
 Wine and Love 45 
 
 The World's a Bubble 46 
 
90 
 
 The Miser : a Fable 48 
 
 The Burial 52 
 
 The Conquering Tars 54 
 
 Superstition 55 
 
 Love and Harmony ib. 
 
 The Negro's Consolation 56 
 
 Epitaph on a Watchman and Wife 59 
 
 Solicitude 60 
 
 The Merry Cobbler 61 
 
 Equality: a Reflection 64 
 
 Careless Jack 66 
 
 Th^ Happy Cottager 68 
 
 Generosity 70 
 
 The National Debt 72 
 
 Pleasures of the Chase 74 
 
 The Naval Pillar 75 
 
 The Contented Miller 78 
 
 Old England for Ever ! 79 
 
 An Impromptu to a Lady 81 
 
 An Extempore ib. 
 
 The Author's Address to Poets, and Retirement 82 
 
 Walton and Mitchell, Printers, Wardour Street, Soho.