Foote 
 
 The Englishman Returned from 
 Paris
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD 
 ENDOWMENT FUND
 
 THE 
 
 ENGLISHMAN 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS*. 
 
 BEING THE SEQUEL TO 
 
 THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS. 
 A FARCE. 
 
 IN TWO ACTS. 
 
 As performed at 
 
 C6e C&eatreg IRopal in IDrurp-'Hane anD 
 
 By SAMUEL FOOfE, Efq. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 L N D N : 
 PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES, N? 77, FLEET-STREET. 
 
 M,DCC,LXXXVIII. 
 
 / 
 
 Price One Shilling.
 
 . 
 PRO ,? O CUE. 
 
 SPOKEN 
 
 By Mr. FOOT E. 
 
 /~\ F all tie pajfions that pojjefs mankind, 
 
 The love of novelty rules moft the mind, 
 In fearch of this, from realm to realm ive roam. 
 Our fleets come fraught luith every folly home. 
 From Lyblas deferts hoftile brutes advance. 
 And dancing dogs in droves Jkip hefe from France, 
 From Latian lands gigantic forms appear, ~} 
 
 Striding our Eritijh breafts with aive and fear, 
 
 As once the Lilliputians Gulliver, J 
 
 Not only objefls that off eel the fight, 
 
 In foreign arts and artijls ive delight, 
 
 Near to that fpot where Charles bejlrides a horfe, 
 
 In humble profe the place is Charing Croft ; 
 
 Clofe by the margin of a kennel's Jide, 
 
 A dirty difmal entry opens luide, 
 
 There *with hoarfe voice, check J&irt, and callous hand, 
 
 Duff'j Indian Englijh trader takes his ftand, 
 
 Surveys each pajfenger <with curious eyes, 
 
 And r lift lc Roger falls an eajy prize ; 
 
 Here's China porcelain that Chelfea yields, 
 
 And India handkerchiefs from Spitalfalds. 
 
 With Turkey carpets that from Wilton came , 
 
 And Spanl/b tucks and blades from Birmingham, 
 
 Faflors are forced to favour this deceit, 
 
 And Englijh goods are fmuggled thro' the Ji reef. 
 
 The rude to polijh, and the fair t3 pleafe, 
 
 The hero of to-night has crofs'd the f fas, 
 
 A 2 TV 
 
 892215
 
 iv PROLOGUE. 
 
 Tho' to be bora a Briton be bis crime, 
 
 He's manufafiured in another clime. 
 
 'Tis Buck begs leave once more to come before ye ', 
 
 The little ftibjefl of a former Jlory , 
 
 Ho<w chang'd, hvw fajkiond, whether brute or ieau, 
 
 We trnft the following fcenes ivill fully Jbenu. 
 
 For them and him vie your indulgence crave t 
 
 "Tis ours fill to Jin on, and yours tofave. 
 
 EPILOGUE.
 
 P I L O G U E, 
 
 SPOKEN 
 
 By Mrs. BELLAMY. 
 
 sjMONG the arts to make a piece go down, 
 
 And fix the fickle favour of the town. 
 An Epilogue is deem'd the furefl ivay 
 To atone for all the errors of the play 
 Thus 'when pathetic Jirains have made you cry, 
 In trips the Comic Mufe, and wipes your eye, 
 With equal reafon, nuhenjhe has made you laugh, 
 Melpomene Jhould fend yw. fniveling off: 
 But our Bard, unequal to the taJJt, 
 Rejefls the dagger, and retains the majk : 
 Fain nuould he fend you chearful home to-night t 
 And harmlefs mirth by honejt means excite ; 
 Scorning with liifcious phrafe or double fenfe t 
 To raife a laughter at the fair's exptnce. 
 
 What method Jhall --we choofe your tafte to hit ? ") 
 
 Will no one lend our Bard a little ivit ? ^ 
 
 Thank ye, kind fouls, I'll take it from the pit. J 
 
 The piece concluded, and the curtain do-tun, 
 Upjiarts that fatal phalanx, call'd The Town : 
 In full aj/embly 'weighs our author's fate, 
 And Surly thus commences the debate : 
 Pray, among friends , does not this poifoning fcene 
 The f acred rights of Tragedy profane ? 
 If Farce may mimic thus her aivful bvwl: 
 Oh fie, all wrong, Jlark naught, upon my foul! 
 Then Buck cries, Billy, can it be in nature ? 
 Not the leajl liktnefs in a Jingle feature. 
 
 A 3 My
 
 vi EPILOGUE. 
 
 Mj Lord, Lord love him, 'tis a precious piece ; 
 J.efs come on Friday night and haiie a hifs. 
 To this a peruquier ajjents 'with joy % 
 Parcequ'il afFronte les F'rai^ois, oui, ma foi. 
 Infuch diftrefs <what can the poet do ? 
 Where feek for Jbtlter when thofe foes pttrfue ? 
 He dares demand protection , ftrs, from you. 
 
 Dramatis Perfonse. 
 
 At COVENS-GARDEN. 
 
 BUCK Mr. Foote, 
 
 CRAB Mr. Sparks. 
 
 LORD JOHN Mr. White. 
 
 MACRUTHEN Mr. Shuter. 
 
 RACKET Mr. Cu/hing* 
 
 TALLYHOE Mr. Caftallo. 
 
 LATITAT . Mr. Dunftall. 
 
 SERGEON Mr. Wignel. 
 
 LUCINDA Mrs. Bellamy. 
 
 La Jonquil, La Loire, Bearnois, and Servants
 
 THE 
 
 ENGLISHMAN 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Crab difcovered reading. 
 
 <qND I do con/litute my very good friend, Giles 
 Crab, efq. of St. Martin in the Fields, executor 
 to this my will ; and do appoint him guardian to my 
 "ward Lucinda ; and do Jubmit to his direction, the 
 management of all my affairs, till the return of my 
 Jon Jrom his travels ; whom I do intreat my /aid 
 executor in conjideration of our ancient friend/hip, to 
 advife, to counfel, tfc. Vc. . John 3^ 
 
 A good, pretty legacy ! Let's fee, I find myfelf 
 heir, by this generous devife of my very good 
 friend, to ten actions at common law, nine fuits 
 in chancery, the conduct of a boy, bred a booby 
 at home, and finifhed a fop abroad ; together with 
 the direction of a marriageable, and therefore 
 an unmanageable wench ; and all this to an old 
 fellow of fixty-fix, who heartily hates bufinefs, is 
 tired of the world, and defpifes every thing in it. 
 Why how the devil came I to merit 
 
 A 4 ' Enter
 
 10 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Lat. The defence and offence, the by which, 
 and the whereby, the ftatute common and cuf- 
 tomary, or as Plowden claflically and elegantly 
 exprefles it, 'tis 
 
 Mos commune vctus mores, confultafmatus, 
 tria jus Jlatuunt terra Britanna tibi. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, fir, among all your laws, are 
 there none to protect a man in his own houfe ? 
 
 Lat. Sir, a man's houfe is his cafldlwn, his caftle; 
 and fo tender is the law of any infringement of 
 that facred right, that any attempt to invade it by 
 force, fraud, or violence, clandeftinely, or vi et 
 armis, is not only deemed felonius but burglarius. 
 Now, fir, a burglary may be committed either upon 
 the dwelling, or out-houfe. 
 
 Crab. O laud ! O laud ! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Your clerk, fir - The parties, he fays, 
 are all in waiting at your chambers. 
 
 Lat. I come. I will but juft explain to Mr. 
 Crab, the nature of a burglary, as it has been de- 
 fcribed by a late ftatute. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, fir, I have not the leaft curiofity. 
 
 Lat. Sir, but every gentleman fhould know -- 
 
 Crab. I won't know. Befides, your clients 
 
 Lat. O, they may flay. I fhan't take up five 
 minutes, fir - A burglary - - 
 
 Crab. Not an inftant. 
 
 Lat, By the common law. 
 
 Crab. I'll not hear a word. 
 
 Lat. It was but a claufum fregit. 
 
 Crab. Dear fir, be gone. 
 
 l*at. But by the late afts of par 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 11 
 
 Crab. Help, you dog. Zounds, fir, get out of 
 my ho;,fe. 
 
 Serv. Your clients, fir 
 
 Cr<7/i. Pufh him out [the lawyer talking all the 
 while \ So, ho ! Hark'ee, rafcal, if you fuffer 
 that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll ftrip and 
 difcard you the very minute. \__Exit Serv.~\ This 
 is but the beginning of my torments. But that I 
 expecl the young whelp from abroad, every in- 
 ftant, I'd fly for it myfelf and quit the kingdom 
 at once. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. My young matter's travelling tutor, fir, 
 juft arrived. 
 
 Crab. Oh, then I fuppofe, the blockhead of a 
 baronet is clofe at his heels. Shew him in. This 
 bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumfy 
 curate of the knight's own parifh church, or fomc 
 needy highlander, the out-caft of his country, who, 
 with the pride of a German baron, the poverty of 
 a French marquis, the addrefs of a Swifs foldier, 
 and the learning of an academy ufher, is to give 
 our heir apparent politenefs, tafte, literature; a 
 perfect knowledge of the world, and of himfelf. 
 
 Enter Macruthen. 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am your devoted fervant. 
 
 Crab. Oh, a Britifh child, by the roefs.- Well, 
 where's your charge ? 
 
 Mac. O, the young baronet is o'the road. I 
 was mighty afraid he had o'er ta'en me ; for be- 
 tween Canterbury and Rochejler, I was ftopt, and 
 robb'd by a highwayman. 
 
 Crab. Robb'd! what the devil could he rob 
 you of ? 
 
 Mac,
 
 12 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. In gude troth, not a mighty booty. Bu- 
 chanans hiftory, Lander againft Melton, and two 
 pound of high-dried Glafgow. 
 
 Crab* A travelling equipage. Well, and what's 
 become of your cub ? Where have you left him ? 
 
 Mac. Main you Sir Charles ? I left him at Calais, 
 with another young nobleman, returning from his 
 travels. But why caw ye him cub, Maiiter Crab ? 
 In gude troth there's a meeghty alteration. 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes, I have a fhrewd guefs at his 
 improvements. 
 
 Mac. He's quite a phenomenon. 
 
 Crab. Oh, a comet, I dare fwear. but not an 
 unufual one at Paris. The Faux-bourg of St. 
 Germains, fwarms with fuch, to the no fmall amufe- 
 ment of our very good friends the French. 
 
 Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond of him. 
 
 Crab. But as to the language, I fuppofe he's a 
 perfect matter of that. 
 
 Mac. He can caw for aught that he need, but 
 he is na quite mailter of the accent. 
 
 Crab. A mod aftonifhing progrefs ! 
 
 Mac. Sufperid your judgement awhile, and 
 you'll find him all you wim, allowing for the fallies 
 of juvenility ; and muft take the vanity to myfelf 
 of being, in a great meafure, the author. 
 
 Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of the 
 admirable original, he muft be a finifhed piece. 
 
 Mac. You are pleafcd to compliment. 
 
 Crab. Not a whit. Well, -and what I fuppofe 
 you, and your what's your name ? 
 
 Mac. Macruthen, at your fervice. 
 
 Crab.- Macruthen ! Hum ! You and your pupil 
 agreed very well ? 
 
 Mac. Perfe6tly. The young gentleman is of 
 an amiable difpofition. 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 13 
 
 Crab. Oh, ay : And it would be wrong to four 
 his temper. You knew your duty better, I hope, 
 than to contradicl him. 
 
 Mac. It was na for me, Maifter. Crab. 
 
 Crab. Oh, by no means, Mafter Macruthen; 
 all your bufinefs was to keep him out of Trays; to 
 take care, for the fake of his health, that his wine 
 was genuine, and his miftreffes as they mould be. 
 You pimp'd for him I fuppofe ? 
 
 Mac. Pimp for him ! D'ye mean to affront 
 
 Crab. To fuppofe the contrary would be the 
 affront, Mr. Tutor. What, man, you know the 
 world. ' Tis no.t by contradiction, but by com- 
 pliance, that men make their fortunes. And was 
 it for you to thwart the humour of a lad upon the 
 threfhold of ten thoufand pounds a year ? 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure great allowances muft 
 be made. 
 
 Crab. No doubt, no doubt. 
 
 Mac. I fee, Maifter Crab, you know mankind. 
 you arc Sir John Buck's executor. 
 
 Crab. True. 
 
 Mac. I have a little thought that may be ufeful 
 to us both. 
 
 Crab. As how ? 
 
 Mac. Could na we contrive to make a hond 
 o'the young baronet ? 
 
 Crab. Explain. 
 
 Mac. Why you, by the "will, have the care 
 o'tlie cam : and I caw make a fhift to manage the 
 lad. 
 
 Crab. Oh, I conceive you. And fo between 
 us both, we may contrive to eafe him of that in- 
 heritance which he knows not how properly to 
 employ ; and apply it to our own life. You do 
 know how. 
 
 Mac.
 
 14 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. Ye ha hit it. 
 
 Crab. Why what a fuperlative rafcal art thou, 
 thou inhofpitable villain ! Under the roof, and 
 in the prefence, of thy benefactor's reprefentative, 
 with almoft his ill-beftowed bread in thy mouth, 
 art thou plotting the perdition of his only child ! 
 And, from what part of my life didft thou derive 
 a hope of my compliance with fuch a hellifh 
 fcheme ? 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am of a nation 
 
 Crab. Of known honour and integrity; I allow 
 it. The kingdom you have quitted, in confign- 
 ing the care of its monarch, for ages, to your pre- 
 deceflbrs, in preference to its proper fubjefts, has 
 given you a brilliant panegyric, that no other 
 people can parallel. 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure 
 
 Crab. And one happinefs it is, that though na- 
 tional glory can beam a brightnefs on particulars, 
 the crimes of individuals can never reflect a dif- 
 grace upon their country. Thy apology but ag- 
 gravates thy guilt. 
 
 Mac. Why, Maifter Crab, I 
 
 Crab. Guilt and confufion choak thy utterance. 
 Avoid my fight. Vanifh ! [Exit Mac.~] A fine 
 fellow this, to protect the perfon, inform the in- 
 experience, direft and moderate the defires of an 
 unbridled boy ! But can it be itrange, whilft the 
 parent negligently accepts a fuperficial recom- 
 mendation to ib important a truft, that the per- 
 fon whofe wants perhaps, more than his abilities 
 make defirous of it, fhould confider the youth as 
 a kind of property, and not confider what to 
 make him, but what to make of him ; and thus- 
 prudently lay a foundation for his future fordid 
 hopes, by a criminal compliance with the lad's 
 
 prefent
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 15 
 
 prefent prevailing paffions ? But vice and folly 
 rule the world. Without, there ! \_Enttr Scrv.^\ 
 Rafcal, where d'you run, blockhead ? Bid the 
 girl come hither. Frefh inftances, every mo- 
 ment, fortify my abhorrence, my deteftation of 
 mankind. This turn may be term'd mifantrophy ; 
 and imputed to chagrin and difappointment. But 
 it can only be by thofe fools, who, through foft- 
 nefs or ignorance, regard the faults of others, like 
 their own, through the wrong end of the per- 
 fpedive. 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 So, what, I fuppofe your fpirits are all afloat. 
 You have heard your fellow's coming. 
 
 Luc. If you had your ufual difcernment, fir, 
 you would diftinguifh, in my countenance, an ex- 
 preffion very different from that of joy. 
 
 Crab. Oh, what, I fuppofe your monkey has 
 broke his chain, or your parrot died in moulting. 
 
 Luc. A perfon lefs cenforious than Mr. Crab, 
 might affign a more generous motive for my dif- 
 trefs. 
 
 Crab. Diftrefs ! a pretty, poetical phrafe. What 
 motive canft thou have for diftrefs ? Has not Sir 
 John Buck's death allured thy fortune ? and art not 
 thou 
 
 Luc. By that very means, a helplefs, unpro- 
 tected orphan. 
 
 Crab. Pho', prithee, wench, none of thy ro- 
 mantic cant to me. What, I know the fex : the 
 objects of every woman's wifh are property and 
 power. The rirft you have, and the fecond you 
 won't be long without ; for here's a puppy riding 
 poft to put on your chains. 
 
 Luc.
 
 16 THE ENGLISHMAN. 
 
 Luc. It would appear affeclation not to 
 ftand you. And. to deal freely, it was upon th^t 
 fubjeft I wifh'd to engage you. 
 
 Crab. Your information was needlefs ; I knew 
 it. 
 
 Luc. Nay, but why fo fevere ? I did flatter 
 myfelf that the very warm recommendation of 
 your deceafed friend, would have abated a little 
 of that rigour. 
 
 Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and contempt 
 have long (hut thefe gates againft flattery and dif- 
 fimulation. You have no fex for me. Without 
 preface, fpeak your purpofe. 
 
 Luc. What then, in a word, is your advice 
 with regard to my marrying Sir Charles Buck ? 
 
 Crab. And do you ferioufly want my advice ? 
 
 Luc. Moft frncerely. 
 
 Crab. Then you are a blockhead. Why where 
 could you mend yourfelT? Is not he a fool, a 
 fortune, and in love ? Look'ee, girl. ^Entcr 
 Servant] Who fent for you, fir ? 
 
 Ser. Sir, my young matter's poft-chaife is broke 
 down, at the corner of the ftreet, by a coal-cart. 
 His clothes are all dirt, and he fwears like a 
 trooper. 
 
 Crab. Ay ! Why then carry his chaife to the 
 coach-maker's, his coat to a fcowerer's, and 
 
 him before a juftice. Prithee why dofl 
 
 trouble me ? I fuppofe you would not meet your 
 gallant. 
 
 Luc. Do you think I mould ? 
 
 Crab. No, retire. And if this application for 
 my advice, is not a copy of your countenance, a 
 mafk ; if you are obedient, I may yet fet you 
 right". 
 
 Luc.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. j; 
 
 Luc. I (hall, with pleafurc, follow your direc- 
 tions. [Exit. 
 
 Crab. Yes, fo long as they correfpond with 
 your own inclination. Now we fhall fee what 
 Paris has done for this puppy. But here he 
 comes ; light as the cork in his heels, or the fea- 
 ther in his hat. 
 
 Enter Buck, Lord John, La Loire, Bearnois, and 
 Macruthen. 
 
 Buck. Not a word, mi Lor,jernie, it is not to be 
 fupported! after being rompu tout vif, dis- 
 jointed by that execrable pave, to be tumbled into 
 a kennel, by a filthy charbonnicr ; a dirty retailer 
 offea-coal, morblcu! 
 
 Ld. J. An accident that might have happened 
 any where, Sir Charles. 
 
 Buck. And then the hideous hootings of that ca- 
 naille, that murtherous mob, with the barbarous 
 Monfieur in the mud, huzza ! Ah, pais Jauvage, 
 barbare, inhofpitable ! ah, ah, qu'ejt ce que nous 
 avons ? Who ? 
 
 Mac. That is Maifter Crab, your father's ex- 
 ecutor. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha. Serviteur tres humble, monfieur. 
 
 Eh bien ! What ! is he dumb ? Mac, my Lor, 
 
 mort de ma -vie, the veritable Jack-Roa/l-beef of the 
 
 French comedy. Ha, ha, how do you do, Mon- 
 
 Jieur-Jac,k-Roaft-beef, ha, ha ? 
 
 Crab. Prithee take a turn or two round the 
 room. 
 
 Buck. A turn or two ! Volontien. Eh bien ! 
 Well, have you, in your life, feen any thing fo, 
 ha, ha, hey ! 
 
 Crab. Never. I hope you had not many fpcc- 
 tetors of your tumble. 
 
 15 Buck.
 
 i8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Pourqitoi ? Why fo ? 
 
 Crab. Becaufe I would not have the public 
 curiofity foreftalled. I can't but think, i.n a coun- 
 try fo fond of ftrange fights, if you were kept up 
 a little, yon would bring a great deal of money. 
 
 Buck. I don't know, my dear, what my perfon 
 would produce in this country, but the counter- 
 part of your very grotefque figure has been ex- 
 tremely beneficial to the comedians from whence 
 I came. N'cjl ce pf>s vrai, mi Lor ? Ha, ha. 
 
 Ld. J. The refemblance does not ftrike me. 
 Perhaps I may *fe?m fingular; but the parti- 
 cular cuftoms of particular countries, I own, ne- 
 ver appeared to me, as proper objects of ridicule. 
 
 Buck. Why fo ? 
 
 Ld. J. Becaufe in this cafe it is impoffible to 
 have a rule for your judgement. The forms and 
 cuftoms which climate, constitution and govern- 
 ment have given to our kingdom can never be 
 tranfplanted with advantage to another, founded 
 on different principles. And thus, though the 
 habits and manners of different countries may be 
 dire&ly oppofite, yet, in my humble conception, 
 they may be ftriclly, becaufe naturally, right. 
 
 Crab. Why there are fome glimmerings op 
 common-fenfe about this young thing. Harkee, 
 child, by what accident did you ftumble upon 
 this blockhead? [to Buck] 1 fuppofe the line of* 
 your underftanding is too fhort to fathom the 
 depth of your companion's reafoning. 
 
 Buck. My dear, \gapes.] 
 
 Crab. I fay, you can draw no conclufion from 
 the above premifes. 
 
 Buck. Wno I ? Damn your premifes, and 
 cbnclufions too. But this I conclude from what 
 I have feen, my dear, that the French are the firft 
 
 people
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 19 
 
 people in the univerfe ; that, in the arts of living, 
 they do or ought to give laws to the whole world, 
 and that whofoever would either eat, drink, drefs, 
 dance, fight, fing, or even fneeze, avec elegance, 
 muft go to Pans, to learn it. This is my creed. 
 / Cmb. And thefe precious principles you are 
 come here to propagate. 
 
 Buck. C'e/l vrai, Monfieur Crab : and with the 
 aid of thefe brother miffionaries, I have no doubt 
 of making a great many prolelytes. And now 
 for a detail of their qualitks. Bearnois, avancez. 
 This is an officer of my houfehold, unknown to 
 this country. 
 
 Crab. And what may he be ? I'll humour the 
 puppy. 
 
 Buck. This is my Swifs Porter. Tenez vous 
 droit, Bearnois. There's a fierce figure to guard 
 the gate of an hotel. 
 
 Crab. What, do you fuppofe we have no 
 porters ? 
 
 Buck. Yes, you have dunces that, open doors ; 
 a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But 
 for intrepidity in denying a difagreeable vifiter; 
 for politenefs in introducing a miltrefs, acutenefs 
 in difcerning, and conltancy in excluding a dun, 
 a greater genius never came from the Cantons. 
 
 Crab. Aftonifhing qualities ! 
 
 Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, 
 here's a jewel indeed ! Ventz id, mon cher La Loire. 
 Comment trouvez vous ce Paris id ? 
 
 La L. Tref bun. 
 
 Buck. Very well. Civil creature ! This, Mon- 
 Jieur Crab, is my cook La Loire, and for hors 
 d'oeuvres, entre rotis, ragouts, entremets, and the 
 difpofition of a defert, Paris never fow his pa- 
 rallel. 
 
 B 2 Crab.
 
 20 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. His wages, I'fuppofe, are proportioned 
 to his merit. 
 
 Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare 
 two hundred. Upon his cheerful compliance, in 
 coming hither into exile with me, I have indeed 
 doubled his (lipend. 
 
 Crab. You could do no lefs. 
 
 Buck. And now, fir, to compleat my equipage, 
 regardez Monfieur La Jonquil, my firft valet dt 
 chambre, excellent in every thing: but^owr I'ac- 
 cottimodage, for decorating the head, inimitable. 
 In one word. La Jonquil mall, for fifty to five, 
 knot, twilt, tye, frize, cut, curl, or comb with 
 any gar f on perruquier, from the land's end, to the 
 Orkneys. 
 
 Crab. Why, what an infinite fund of public 
 fpirit muft you have, to drain yourpurfe, mortify 
 your inclination, and expofe your perfon, for the 
 mere improvement of your countrymen ? 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But 
 at prefent I had another reafon for returning. 
 
 Crab. Ay, what can that be ? 
 
 Buck. Why I find there is a likelihood of fome 
 little fracas between us. But, upon my foul, we 
 muft be very brutal to quarrel with the dear, 
 agreeable creatures, for a trifle. 
 
 Crab. They have your affections then. 
 
 Buck. De tout mm cent*. From the infinite civi- 
 lity fhewn to us, in France, and their friendly 
 profeffions in favour of our country, they can 
 never intend us an injury. 
 
 Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a hair. 
 But I can have no longer patience with the pup- 
 py. Civility arid friendship, you booby ! Yes, 
 their civility at Paris, has not left you. a guinea 
 in your pocket, nor would their friend/hip to 
 
 your
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 21 
 
 your nation leave it a foot of land in the uni- 
 verfe. 
 
 Buck. Lord John, this is a ftrange old fellow. 
 Take my word for it, my dear, you miflake this 
 thing egregioufly. But all you Englijli are con- 
 ftitutionally fullen. November fogs, with fait 
 boil'd beef, are moft curled recipes for good- 
 humour, or a quick apprehenfion. Paris is the 
 place. 'Tis there men laugh, love, and live ! 
 Vive I' amour ! Sans amour, et fans fes dejirs, un 
 cceur eft bien moins heureux quit ne penfe. 
 
 Crab. Now would not any foul fuppofe that this 
 yelping hound had a real relifli for the country he 
 has quitted ? 
 
 Buck. A mighty unnatural fuppofition, truly. 
 
 Crab. Foppery and affectation all. 
 
 Buck. And you really think Paris a kind of 
 purgatory, ha, my dear ? 
 
 Crab. To thee the moft folitary fpot upon earth, 
 my dear. Familiar puppy ! 
 
 Buck. Whimfical enough. But come, pour pa f+ 
 fer le terns, let us, old Diogenes, enter into a little 
 debate. Mi Lor, and you, Macruthen, determine 
 the difpute between thatfource of delights, ce pa* 
 radis de plaifir, and this cave of care, this feat of 
 fcurvy and the fpleen. 
 
 Mac. Let us heed them weel, my Lord. Mai- 
 $er Crab has met with his match. 
 
 Buck, And firft for the great pleafure of life, the 
 pleafure of the table ; ah, quelle difference ! The 
 cafe, the wit, the wine, the badinage, the perci- 
 Jlage, the double entendre, the chanfons a boire. Oh, 
 what delicious moments have I pafs'd chtz madams 
 la duchej/e de. Barbouliac. 
 
 Crab. Your miilrefs, I fuppofe. 
 
 Buck. Who, 1 ! Fi done ! How is it poffible 
 B 3 for
 
 sz - THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 for a woman of her rank, to have a penchant for 
 me ? Hey, Mac. 
 
 Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour 
 to blab. But, to fay truth, the whole city of Paris 
 thought as much. 
 
 Crab. A precious fellow this ! 
 
 Buck. Tai/ez voiu, Mac. But we lofe the point 
 in view. Now, Monjieur Crab, let me conduct 
 you to what you call an entertainment. And firft, 
 the melancholy miftrefs is fixed in her chair, 
 where, by the bye, fhe is condemned to do more 
 drudgery than a dray-horfe. Next proceeds the 
 matter, to marfhal the guetts, in which as much 
 caution is neceffary, as at a coronation, with, 
 " My lady, fit here," and, " Sir Thomas, fit 
 " there," till the length of the ceremony, with 
 the length of the grace, have deftroyed all appre- 
 henfions of the meat burning your mouths. 
 
 Mac. Bravo, bravo ! Did I na' fay bir Charles 
 was a phcenomenon ? 
 
 Crab. Peace, puppy. 
 
 Buck. Then, in folemn filence, they proceed 
 to demolifh the fubftantials, with, perhaps, an 
 occafional interruption, of, li Here's to you, 
 " friends," " Hob or nob/' " Your love and 
 " mine." Pork fucceeds to beef, pies to pud- 
 dings : the cloth is removed : madam, drenched 
 with a bumper, drops a curtefy, and departs ; 
 leaving the jovial hull, with his fprightly compa- 
 nions, to tobacco, port, and politics. foila un 
 repai a la mode d'A~>,gkterrc. Monfieur Crab. 
 
 Crab. It is a thoufand pities that your father 
 is not a living witnefs of thefe prodigious im- 
 provements. 
 
 Buck. C'efl vrai. But a propos, he is dead, as 
 
 you fay, and you arc - 
 
 , Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 23 
 
 Crab. Againft my inclination, his executor. 
 
 Buck. Peat etre; well, and 
 
 Crab. Oh, my tafk will foon determine. One 
 article, indeed, I am ftiitily enjoined to fee 
 performed ; your marriage with your old acquaint- 
 ance Luanda. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha, Ja petite Lucinde ! &? comment. 
 Crab. Prithee, peace, and hear me. She is 
 bequeathed conditionally, that if you refufe to 
 marry her, twenty thoufand pounds ; and if me 
 rejects you, which I fuppofe me will have the 
 wifdorn to do, only five. 
 
 Buck Reject me ! Very probable, hey, Mac / 
 But could we not have an entrevue ? 
 
 Crab. Who's there ? Let Luanda know we ex- 
 pect her. \ 
 
 Mac. Had na' ye better, Sir Charles, equip 
 yourfelf in a more fuitable garb, upon a firfl vifit 
 to your miftrefs ? 
 
 Crab. Oh, fuch a figure and addrefs can derive 
 no advantage from drefs. 
 
 Buck. Serviteur. But, however, Mac's hint 
 may not be fo mal a propos. Allans, Jonquil, je 
 men vais m'habiller. Mi Lor, mall I trefpafs upon 
 your patience ? My toilet is but the work of 
 ten minutes. Mac, difpofe of my domeftics a leur 
 ai/e, and then attend me with my portfeuille, and 
 read, while I drefs, thofe remarks I made in my 
 laft voyage from Fontambleau to Compeigne. 
 Serviteur, Meffieurs ; 
 Car le bon vin 
 Du matin* 
 Sortant du tonneau, 
 Vaut bien mieux que 
 
 Le Latin 
 
 J)e tQuit la Sorbonne. [Exit. 
 
 B 4 Crab.
 
 24 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. This is the moft confummate coxcomb ! 
 I told the fool of a father, what a puppy Pans 
 would produce him ; but travel is the word, and 
 the confequence, an importation of every foreign 
 folly : and thus the plain perfons and principles 
 of old England., are fo confounded and jumbled 
 with the excrementitious growth of every climate, 
 that we have loft all our ancient characteriftic, 
 and are become a bundle of contradictions; a 
 piece of patch-work ; a mere harlequin's coat. 
 
 Ld. J. Do you fuppofe then, fir, that no good 
 may be obtained 
 
 Crab. Why, prithee, what have you gained ? 
 
 Ld. jf. I fhould be forry my acquifiiions were 
 to determine the debate. But do you think, fir, 
 the making off fome native qualities, and the being 
 made more fenfible, from comparifon of certain 
 national and conftitutional advantages, objecls 
 unworthy the attention ? 
 
 Crab. You (hew the favourable fide, young 
 man : but how frequently are fubftitutcd for na- 
 tional prepofreffions, always harmlefs. and often 
 happy, guilty and unnatural prejudices .'Unnatu- 
 ral ! For the wretch who is weak and wicked 
 enough to defpife his country, fins againft the. moft 
 laudable laws of nature; 'he is a traitor to L the 
 community, where providence has placed him ; 
 and fhould be denied thofe focial benefits he has 
 rendered himfelf unworthy to partake. But fen- 
 tentious lectures are ill calculated for your time of 
 life. 
 
 Ld. J. I differ from you here, Mr. Crab. Prin- 
 ciples that call for perpetual practice, cannot be 
 too foon received. I fincerely thank you, fir, for 
 this communication, and fhould be happy to have 
 always near me fo moral a monitor. 
 
 Crab,
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 25 
 
 Crab. You are indebted to France for her flat- 
 tery. But I leave you with a lady, where it will 
 be better employed. 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 Crab. This young man waits here, till your 
 puppy is powdered. You may afk him alter your 
 French acquaintance. I know nothing of him; 
 but he does not fcem to be altogether fo great a 
 fool as your fellow. [Exit. 
 
 Luc. I'm afraid, fir, you have had but a dif- 
 agreeable tete-a-tete. 
 
 Ld. 7- J u ft tne contrary, madam. By good 
 fenfe, tinged with fingularity, we are entertained 
 as well as improved. For a lady, indeed, Mr. 
 Crab's manners are rather too rough. 
 . Luc. Not a jot ; I am familiarized to 'em, I 
 know his integrity, and can never be difobliged 
 by his fincerity. 
 
 Ld. J. This declaration is a little particular, 
 from a lady who muft have received her firft im- 
 preffions in a place remarkable for its delicacy to 
 the fair-fex. But good fenfe can conquer even 
 early habits. 
 
 Luc. This compliment I can lay no claim to. 
 The former part of my life procured me but very 
 little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I 
 polfefs, was taught me by a very fevere miftrefs, 
 adverfity. But you, fir, are too well acquainted 
 with Sir Charles Buck, pot to have known my fitu- 
 apon. 
 
 Ld. J. I have heard your ftory, madam, be- 
 fore I had the honour of feeing you. It was af- 
 fecting: you'll pardon the declaration; it now 
 pecomes interesting. However, it is ioipoflible I 
 
 ihould
 
 26 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 fhould not congratulate you on the near approach 
 of the happy cataftrophe. 
 
 Luc. Events th;;t depend upon the will of ano- 
 ther, a thoufanti unforefeen accidents may in- 
 terrupt. 
 
 Ld. 7. Could I hope, madam, your prefent 
 critical condition would acquit me of temerity, I 
 fhould uke the liberty to prefume, if the fuit of 
 Sir Charles be rejected 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. So, Youngfter ! what I fuppofe you are 
 already praftifing one of your foreign leffons. 
 Perverting the affections of a friend's mittrefs. or 
 debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloes, in 
 modern morality. But at prefent you are my 
 care. That way conduces you to your fellow- 
 traveller. [Exit. Ld. J.~] 1 would ,; v.ak with 
 you in the library. [Exit. 
 
 Luc. 1 mall attend you, fir. Never was fo un- 
 happy an interruption. What could niy lord 
 mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not. it 
 cannot concern nre, Gratitude and duty demand 
 my compliance with the dying wifh of my bene- 
 faclor, my friend, my father. But am I then to 
 facrifice all my future peace ? But reafon not, 
 rafh girl ; obedience is thy province. 
 
 Tho" hard the tajk, be it my part to prove 
 Thatjometimes duty can give laws to love. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 ACT
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Buck at his Toilet, a f tended by three Valets de 
 Chambre and Macruthen. 
 
 Mac. ^L~T Otwithftanding aw his plain dealing, 
 ^ I doubt whether Maifter Crab is fo 
 honefl a man. 
 
 Back. Prithee, Mac, name not the monfter. 
 If I may be permitted a quotation from one of 
 their paltry poets, 
 
 Who is knightof theJJiirc reprefents 'email. 
 
 Did ever mortal fee fucb mirroirs, fuch looking- 
 glafs as they have here too ! One might as well 
 addrefs onefelf, for information, to a bucket of 
 water. La Jonquil, mettez vous le rouge, affez. 
 Eh bien, Mac, miferable ! Hey 1 
 
 Mac. It's very becoming. 
 
 Buck. Aye, it will do for this place ; I really 
 could have forgiven my father's living a year or 
 two longer, rather than be compelled to return 
 to this [Enter Ld. John} My dear Lord, je 
 demands mille pardons, but the terrible fracas in my 
 chaife has fo gateed and difordered my hair, that 
 it required an age to adjuftit. 
 
 Ld. 7- No a Plgy Sir Charles, I have been 
 entertained very agreeably. 
 
 Suck. Who have you had, my dear Lord, to 
 entertain you ? 
 
 Ld. J. The very individual lady that's foon to 
 make you a happy hufband.
 
 28 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. A happy \vho ? hufband ! What two 
 very oppofite ideas confounded enj'emble ! In my 
 confidence, I believe there's contagion in the 
 clime, and my Lor is infe&ed. But pray, my 
 dear Lor, by what accident have you difcovered, 
 that I was upon the point .of becoming that happy 
 Oh, un mart ! Diabh ? 
 
 Ld. J. The lady's beauty and merit, your in- 
 clinations, and your father's injunctions, made me 
 conje6ture that. 
 
 Buck. And can't you fuppofe that the lady's 
 beauty may be poilcis'd, her merit rewarded, and 
 my inclinations gratified, without an ablolute obe- 
 dience to that fatherly injunction ? 
 
 Ld. J. It does not occur to. me. 
 
 Buck. No, I believe not, my Lor. Thofe kind 
 of talents are not given .to every body. D.onnez 
 moi mon manchon. And now you mail fee me 
 manage the lady. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Young Squire Racket, and Sir Toby Tally ho f^ 
 who call themfelves your honour's old acquaint- 
 ances. 
 
 Buck Oh the brutes.! By what accident could 
 they difcover my arrival ! My dear, dear Lor, 
 aid me to efcape this Embarras. 
 
 Racket and Tallyhoe -without. 
 
 Hoic a boy. hoic a boy. 
 
 Buck. Let me die if 1 do not believe the Hot- 
 tentots have brought a whole hundred of hounds 
 with them. But they fay, forms keep fools at a 
 diflance. I'll receive 'em en ceremonie. 
 
 Enter
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 29 
 
 Enter Racket and Tally hoe. 
 
 Tally. Hey boy, hoix, my little Buck. 
 
 Buck. Monfieur le Chevalier, votre tres humble 
 ferviteur. 
 
 Tally. Hey. 
 
 Back, Monfieur Racket, je fuis charme de vous 
 voir. 
 
 Rack. Anon what ! 
 
 Buck. Ne m'entendez vous ? Don't you under- 
 ftand French ? 
 
 Rack. Know French! No, nor you neither, I 
 think, Sir Toby, foregad I believe the papiftes ha 
 bewitch'd him in foreign parts. 
 
 Tally. Bewitch'd and transformed him too. 
 Let me perifh, Racket, if I don't think he's like 
 one of the folks we ufed to read of at fchool, in 
 Ovid's Metamorphis ; and that they have turned 
 him into a beaft. 
 
 Rack. A beaft! No, a bird, you fool. Lookee, 
 Sir Toby, by the Lord Harry, here are his wings. 
 
 Tally. Hey ! ecod and fo they are, ha, ha. I 
 reckon, Racket, he came over with the wood- 
 cocks. 
 
 Buck. Voila des verilables Anglois. The ruftic 
 rude ruffians ! 
 
 Rack. Let us fee what the devil he has put 
 upon his pole, Sir Toby. 
 
 Tally. Aye. 
 
 Buck. Do, dear Savage, keep your diftance. 
 
 Tally. l\ay, fore George we will have a fcru- 
 tiny. 
 
 Rack. Aye, aye, a fcrutiny. 
 
 Buck, hn grace. La Jonquil, my Lor, protect 
 me from thefe py rates. 
 
 Ld. J.
 
 30 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ld. y. A little companion, I beg, gentlemen. 
 Confider, Sir Charles is on a vifit to his bride. 
 
 Tally. Bride ! Zounds : he's fitter for a band- 
 box. Racket, hocks the heels. 
 
 Rack. I have 'em, knight. Foregad he is the 
 very reverfe of a bantam cock ; his comb's on his 
 feet, and his feathers on his head. Who have we 
 got here ! What are thefe fellows, paftry-cooks ? 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. And is this one of your newly acquired 
 accomplishments, letting your miflrefs languifh for 
 a but you have company, I fee. 
 
 Buck. O, yes, I have been inexpreflibly happy. 
 Thefe gentlemen are kind enough to treat me, 
 upon my arrival, with what I believe they call in 
 this country, a rout. My dear Lor, if you don't 
 favour my flight. But fee if the toads a'n't tumb- 
 ling my toilet. 
 
 Ld. J. Now's your time, fteal off; I'll cover 
 your retreat. 
 
 Buck. Mac, let La Jonquil follow to re-fettle my 
 cheveux. jfe vous remercie mills, millc fois y mon 
 cher my 1 or. 
 
 Rack. Hola, Sir Toby, ftole away ! 
 
 Bu<k. O mon Dieu. 
 
 Tally. Poh, rot him, let him alone. He'll 
 never do for our purpofe. You rauft know \\t 
 intend to kick up a riot, to-night, at the play- 
 houfe, and we wanted him of the party ; but that 
 fop would fwoon at the fight of a cudgel. 
 
 Ld. ^. Pray, fir, what is your caufe of con- 
 tention ? 
 
 Tally. Caufe of contention, hey, faith, I know 
 nothing of the matter. Racket, what is it we are 
 angry about ? 
 
 Racket.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 31 
 
 Racket. Angry about ! Why you know we are 
 to demolifh the dancers. 
 
 Tally. True, true, I had forgot. Will you 
 rriake one ? 
 
 Ld. J. I beg to be excufed. 
 
 Rack. May hap you are a friend to the French. 
 
 Ld. J. Not I, indeed fir. But if the occafion 
 will permit me a pun, tho' I am far from being a 
 well-wifher to their arms, I have no objection to 
 the being entertained by their legs. 
 
 Tally. Aye ! Why then if you'll come to-night, 
 you'll fplit your fides with laughing, for I'll be 
 rot if we don't make them caper higher, and run 
 fafter, than ever they have done fince the battle 
 of Blenheim. Come along, Racket. [Exit. 
 
 Ld. '}. Was there ever fuch a contraft ? 
 
 Crab. Not fo remote as you imagine ; they are 
 fcions from the fame ftock, fet in different foils. 
 The firft Ihrub, you fee, flowers moft prodigally, 
 but matures nothing ; the laft flip, tho' ftunted, 
 bears a little fruit ; crabbed, 'tis true, but ftill the 
 growth of the clime. Come, you'll follow your 
 friend. {Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lucinda, with a Servant. 
 Luc. When Mr. Crab, or SIT Charles, enquire for 
 me; you will conduft them hither [Exit. Serv.~\ 
 How I long for an end to this important inter- 
 view! Not that I have any great expectations 
 from the ilfue ; but ftill, in my circumitances, a 
 ftate of fufpence is, of all fituations, the moft dif- 
 agreeable. But hufh, they come.. 
 I 
 
 Enter
 
 3* THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Sir Charles, Macruthen, Ld. John, and Crab. 
 
 Buck. Mac, announce me. 
 
 Mac. Madam, Sir Char Is Buck craves the ho- 
 nour of killing your hand. 
 
 Buck. Tres humble fe mteur. Et comment ft forte 
 Mademoifelle. I am ravtfhed to fee thee, ma chere 
 petite Lucinde. Eh bicn, m<z reine ! Why you look 
 divinely, child. But, mon enfant, they have drefs'd 
 you mod diabolically. Why, what a coiffeu/e muft 
 you have, and, oh mon Dieu, a total abfence of 
 rouge. But, perhaps, you are out. 1 had a cargo 
 from Dejf'reney the day of my departure ; mall I 
 have the honour to fupply you ? 
 
 Luc. You are obliging, fir, but I confefs myfelf 
 a convert to the chafte cuftoms of this country, 
 and, with a commercial people, you known, fir 
 Charles, all artifice 
 
 Buck. Artifice ! You miflake the point, ma 
 chere. A proper proportion of red, is an indif- 
 penfible part of your drefs ; and, in my private 
 opinion, a woman might as well appear, in public, 
 without powder, or a petticoat. 
 
 Crab. And, in my private opinion, a woman, 
 who puts on the firft, would make very little diffi- 
 culty in pulling of the laft. 
 
 Buck. Oh, Monfieur Crab's judgment muft be 
 decifive in drefs. Well, and what amufements, 
 what fpeclacles, what parties, what contrivances, 
 to conquer father time, that foe to the fair ? I 
 fancy one muft ennuier conjidtrallement in your 
 London here. 
 
 Luc. Oh, we are in no difttefs for diverfions. 
 We have an opera. 
 
 Buck.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 33 
 
 Buck. Italien, I fuppofe, pitoiable, {hocking, 
 affbmmant ! Oh, there is no fupporting their hi, 
 hi, hi, hi. Ah, mon Dieu ! Ah, chaffs brillant fokil, 
 
 Brillant foleil, 
 
 A-t-on jamah veu ton pareil ? 
 
 There's mufic and melody. 
 
 Luc. What a fop ! 
 
 Buck. But proceed, ma princejje. 
 
 Luc. Oh, then we have plays. 
 
 Buck. That I deny, child. 
 
 Luc. No plays ! 
 
 Buck. No. 
 
 Luc. The affertion is a little whimfical. 
 
 Buck. Aye that may be ; you have here dra- 
 matic things, farcical in their competition, and 
 ridiculous in their reprefentation. 
 
 Luc. Sir, I own myfelf unequal to the contro- 
 verfy ; but, furely Shakfpeare My Lord, this 
 fubjeft calls upon you for its defence. 
 
 Crab. I know from what fountain this fool has 
 drawn his remarks ; the author of the Chinefe Or- 
 phan, in the preface to which Mr. J/oltaire calls 
 the principal works of Shakfpeare monftrous farces. 
 
 Ld. J. Mr. Crab is right, madam. Mr. Vol- 
 taire has ftigmatized with a very unjuft and a very 
 invidious appellation the principal works of that 
 great mailer of the paffions ; and his apparent 
 motive renders him the more inexcufable. 
 
 Luc. What could it be, my Lord ? 
 
 Ld. J. The preventing his countrymen from 
 becoming acquainted with our author; that he 
 might be at liberty to pilfer from him, with the 
 greater fecurity. 
 
 Luc. Ungenerous, indeed ! 
 
 Buck. Talpable defamation. 
 
 C Luc.
 
 34 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Luc. And as to the exhibition, I have been 
 taugbt to believe, that for a natural pathetic, and 
 a fpirited expreflion, no people upon earth 
 
 Buck. You are impofed upon, child ; the Le- 
 que/ne, the Lanoue, the Grandval, the Dumeml, 
 the Gaujfen, what dignity, what action ! But, a 
 propos, I have myfelf wrote a tragedy in French. 
 
 Luc. Indeed ! 
 
 Buck. En vcrilc, upon Voltaire's plan. 
 
 Crab. That muft be a precious piece of work. 
 
 Buck. It is now in repetition at the French co- 
 medy. Grandval and La Gaujfen perform the 
 principal parts. Oh, what an eclat ! What a burft 
 will it make in the parterre, when the king of 
 Ananamaboe refufes the perfon of the princefs of 
 Cochineal ! 
 
 Luc. Do you remember the pafTage ? 
 
 Buck. Entire ; and I believe I can convey if 
 in their manner. 
 
 Luc. That will be delightful. 
 
 Buck. And firft the king. 
 
 Ma chcre princefs, je vous aime, ceft vrai ; 
 De mafemme vous portez. les charmants attraits. 
 Mais ce ri eft pas honnete pour un homme tel que moi, 
 DC tromper mafemme, ou dc rompre majoi. 
 
 Luc. Inimitable ! 
 
 Buck. Now the princefs ; fhe is, as you may 
 fuppofe, in extreme diflrefs. 
 Luc. No doubt. 
 
 Buck. Man grand roy, mon cher adorable, 
 
 Ayez pitie de moi ; jejuis incon/olable. 
 
 [Then he turns his back upon her, atxwhich fhe 
 in a fury] 
 
 Monflrs
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 35 
 
 Monftre, ingrat, affreux, horrible, funefte, 
 Oh queje vous aime, ah queje vous detefte ! 
 
 [Then he] 
 
 Penfez vous, madame, a me donncr la loi, 
 Votre haine, votre amour, font Us memes chofes 
 a moi. 
 
 Luc. Bravo ! 
 
 Ld. J. Bravo, bravo ! 
 
 Buck. Aye, there's paffion and poetry, and 
 reafon and rhime. Oh how I deteft blood, and 
 blank verfe ! There is fomething fo Toft, fo mu- 
 fical, and fo natural, in the rich rhifnes of the 
 theatre Franpis ! 
 
 Ld. J. I did not know Sir Charles was fo totally 
 devoted to the belles lettres. 
 
 Buck. Oh, entirely. 'Tis the ton, the tafte, 
 I am every night at the Caffe * Procope, and had 
 not I had the misfortune to be born in this curft 
 country, I make no doubt but you would have 
 feen my name among the foremoft of the French 
 academy. 
 
 Crab. I mould think you might eafily get over 
 that difficulty, if you will be but fo obliging, as pub- 
 licly to renounce us. I dare engage not one of 
 your countrymen fhall contradift, or claim you. 
 
 Buck. No ! Impoffible. From the barbarity 
 of my education, I muft ever be taken for un 
 Anglois. 
 
 Crab. Never. 
 
 Buck. En vcrite ? 
 
 Crab. En vcrite. 
 
 Buck. You flatter me. 
 
 * A coffee-houfe oppofite the French comedy, where the jvita 
 aflemble every evening. 
 
 C i Crab.
 
 3 6 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. But common juftice. 
 
 Mac, Nay, mailler Crab is in the right, for I 
 have often heard the French themfelves fay, Is it 
 poflible that gentleman can be Britifh ? 
 
 Buck. Obliging creatures ! And you concur 
 with them. 
 
 Crab. Entirely. 
 
 Luc. Entirely. 
 
 Ld. J. Entirely. 
 
 Buck. How happy you make me ! 
 
 Crab. Egregious puppy ! But we lofe time. 
 A truce to this trumpery. You have read your 
 father's will. 
 
 Buck. No ; I read no Ejiglifli. When Mac has 
 turned it into French, I may run over the items. 
 
 Crab. I have told you the part that concerns the 
 girl. And as your declaration upon it will dif- 
 charge me, I leave you to what you will call an 
 ccclairciffement. Come, my Lord. 
 
 Buck. Nay, but Monfieur Crab, my Lor, Mac. 
 
 Crab. Along with us. [Exit. 
 
 Buck. A comfortable fcrape I am in ! What 
 the deuce am I to do ? In the language of the 
 place, I am to make love, I fuppofe. A pretty 
 employment ! 
 
 Luc. I fancy my hero is a little puzzled with 
 his part. But, now for it. 
 
 Buck. A queer creature, that Crab, ma petite. 
 But, a prof os, How d'ye like my Lord. 
 
 Luc. He feems to have good fenfe and good 
 breeding. 
 
 Buck. Pas trop. But don't you think he has 
 fomething of a foreign kind of air about him ? 
 Luc . Foreign ? 
 
 Buck. Aye, fomething fo Englijh in his manner. 
 
 Luc.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 37 
 
 Luc. Foreign, and Engli/h ! I don't compre- 
 hend you. 
 
 Buck. Why that is, he has not the eafe, thcje 
 ne ffai quoi, the ban ton. In a word, he does not 
 refemble me now. 
 
 Luc. Not in the leaft. 
 
 Buck. Ah, I thought fo. He is to be pitied, 
 poor devil, he can't help it. -But, entre nous, ma 
 chere, the fellow has a fortune. 
 
 Luc. How does that concern me, Sir Charles ? 
 
 Buck. Why, je penfe, ma reine, that your eyes 
 have done execution there. 
 
 Luc. My eyes execution ! 
 
 Buck. Aye, child, is there any thing fo extra- 
 ordinary in that ? Mafoi, I thought by the vi- 
 vacity of his praife, that he had already fum- 
 moned the garriibn to furrender. 
 
 Luc. To carry on the allufion, I believe my 
 Lord is too good a commander, to commence a 
 fruitlefs fiege He could not but know the con- 
 dition of the town. 
 
 Buck. Condition ! Explain, ma chere. 
 
 Luc. I was in hopes your interview with Mr. 
 Crab had made that unneceffary. 
 
 Buck. Oh, aye, I do recoiled fomething of a 
 ridiculous article about marriage, in a will. But 
 what a plot againft the peace of two poor people ! 
 Well, the malice of fome men is amazing ! Not 
 contented with doing all the mifchief they can 
 in their life, they are for intailing their malevo- 
 lence, like their eftates, to lateit pofterity. 
 
 Luc. Your contempt of me, Sir Charles, I re- 
 ceive as a compliment. But the infinite obliga- 
 tions I owe to the man, who had the misfortune 
 to call you fon, compel me to infift, that in my 
 C 3 prefencc,
 
 S 8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 prefence, at leaft, no indignity be offered to his 
 memory. 
 
 Buck. Heydey ! What, jn heroics, ma reine ! 
 
 Luc. Ungrateful, unfilial wretch ! fo foon to 
 trample on his afhes. \vhofe fond heart, the greateft 
 load of his laft hours were his fears for thy future 
 welfare. 
 
 Buck. Ma foi, die. ejl folk, fhe is mad, fans 
 doute. 
 
 Luc. But I am to blame. Can he who breaks 
 through one facred relation, regard another ? 
 Can the monfter who is corrupt enough to con- 
 temn the place of his birth, reverence thofe who 
 gave him being ?- impoifible. 
 
 Buck. Ah, a pretty monologue, a fine foliloquy 
 this, child. 
 
 Luc. Contemptible. But I am cool. 
 
 Buck. I am mighty glad of" it. Now we mail 
 underftand one another. I hope. 
 
 Luc. We do underftand one another. You 
 have already been kind enough to refufe me. 
 Nothing is wanting but a formal rejection under 
 your hand, and fo concludes our acquaintance. 
 
 Buck. Vous alkz trop mte, you are to quick, ma 
 chere. if I recollect, the confequence of this 
 rejection is my paying you twenty thoufand 
 pounds. 
 
 Luc. True. 
 
 Buck. Now that have not I the leaft inclination 
 to do. 
 
 Luc.. No, fir ? Why you own that marriage 
 
 Buck. Is my averfion. I'll give you that under 
 my hand, if you pleafe ; but I have a prodigious 
 love for the Louis'. 
 
 Luc. Oh, well foon fettle that difpute ; the 
 law 
 
 Buck,
 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 39 
 
 Suck. But, hold, ma reine. I don't find that 
 my provident father has precifely determined the 
 time of this comfortable conjun6tion. So, tho' 
 I am condemned, the day of execution is not 
 fixed. 
 
 Luc. Sir ! 
 
 Buck. I fay, my foul, there goes no more to 
 your dying a maid ? than my living a batchelor. 
 Luc. O, fir, I {hall find a remedy. 
 Buck. But now fuppofe, ma belle, I have found 
 one to your hand ? 
 
 Luc. As how ? Name one. 
 Buck. I'll name two. And firft, mon enfant ; 
 tho' I have an irrefutable antipathy to the conju- 
 gal knot, yet I am by no means blind to your per- 
 fonal charms ; in the poffeffion of which, if you 
 pleafe to place me, not only the aforefaid twenty 
 thoufand pounds, but the whole terre of your de- 
 voted mall fall at your 
 
 Luc. Grant me patience. 
 
 Buck. Indeed you want it, my dear. But if 
 you flounce, I fly. 
 
 Luc. Quick, fir, your other. For this is 
 Buck. I grant, not quite fo fafhionable as my 
 other. It is then, in a word, that you would let 
 this lubberly lord make you a lady, and appoint 
 me his aflillant, his private friend, his cicijbei. 
 And as we are to be joint partakers of your per- 
 fon, let us be equal iharers in your fortune, ma 
 Idle. 
 
 Luc. Thou mean, abjec~t, mercenary thing.- 
 Thy miftrefs ! Gracious heaven ! Uuiverfal em- 
 pire mould not bribe me to be thy bride. And 
 what apology, what excufe could a woman of the 
 leaft fenfe or fpirit make, for fo unnatural a con- 
 nection ! 
 
 C 4 Buck.
 
 40 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ruck. Fort bic.n ! 
 
 Luc. Where are thy attractions? Canft thou 
 be weak enough to fuppofe thy frippery drefs, thy 
 affectation, thy grimace, could influence beyoncl 
 the borders of a brothel ? 
 
 Buck. Tres bien ! 
 
 Luc. And what are thy improvements ? Thy 
 air is a copy from thy barber : For thy drefs, thou 
 art indebted to thy taylor. Thou haft loft thy 
 native language, and brought home none in ex 
 change for it. 
 
 Buck. Extremement bien ! 
 
 Luc. Had not thy vanity fo foon expofed thy 
 villainy, I might, in reverence to that name, to 
 which thou art a difgrace, have taken a wretched 
 chance with thee for life. 
 
 Buck,. I am obliged to you for that. And a 
 pretty pacific partner I Ihould have had. Why, 
 look'ee child, you have been, to be fure, very 
 eloquent, and upon the whole, not unentertain- 
 ing : tho' by the bye, you have forgot, in your 
 catalogue, one of my foreign acquifitions ; c'eft-a~ 
 dire, that I can, with a mod intrepid fang froid, 
 without a fingle emotion, fupport all this ftorm of 
 female fury. But, adieu, ma belle. And when a 
 cool hour of reflection has made you fenfible of 
 the propriety of my propofals, I fhall expect the 
 honour of a card. 
 
 Luc. Be gone for ever. 
 
 Buck. Pour jamais ! Foregad me would make 
 an admirable aftrefs. If I once get her to Paris, 
 fhe fhall play a part in my piece. \_Exit. 
 
 Luc. I am afhamed, this thing has had the 
 power to move me thus. Who waits there ? Dear 
 Mr. Crab 
 
 Enter
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 41 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab. 
 
 Ld. J. We have been unwillingly, madam, 
 filent witncffes to this fhameful fcene. I blufh that 
 a creature, who wears the outward mark of hu- 
 manity, fhould be in his morals fo much below. 
 
 Crab. Prithee why didfl thou not call thy maids, 
 and tofs the booby in a blanket ? 
 
 Ld. J. If 'I might be permitted, madam, to 
 conclude what I intended faying, when inter- 
 rupted by Mr. Crab 
 
 Luc. My lord, don't think me guilty of affec- 
 tation. I be ieve, I guefs at your generous de- 
 fign ; but my temper is really fo ruffled, befides I 
 am meditating a piece of female revenge on this 
 coxcomb. 
 
 Ld. J. Dear madam, can I affift ? 
 
 Luc. Only by defiring my maid to bring hi- 
 ther the tea. My lord, I am confounded at the 
 liberty, but 
 
 Ld. J. No apology. You honour me, ma- 
 dam. 
 
 Crab. And prithee, wench, what is thy 
 fcheme ? 
 
 Luc. Oh, a very harmlefs one, I promife you. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, I am forry for it. I long to fee 
 the puppy feverely punifhed, methinks. 
 
 Luc. Sir Charles, I fancy, can't be yet got out 
 of the houfe. Will you defire him to ftep 
 hither ? 
 
 Crab. I'll bring him. 
 
 Luc. No, I wifh to have him alone. 
 
 Why then Til fend him. \Exit. 
 
 Enter
 
 42 . THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Lettice. 
 
 Luc. Place thefe things on the table, a chair 
 on each fide : very well. Do you keep within 
 call. But hark, he is here. Leave me, Lettice. 
 
 [Exit Lettice. 
 
 Enter Buck. 
 
 Suck. So, fo, I thought fhe would come to ; 
 but, I confefs not altogether fo foon. Eh bien, 
 ma belle, fee me ready to receive your commands- 
 
 Luc. Pray be feated, Sir Charles. I am afraid 
 the natural warmth of my temper might have 
 hurried me into fome expreffions not altogether fo 
 fuitable. 
 
 Buck. Ah bagatelle. Name it not. 
 
 Luc. foulez-vous du the, mcnfieur ? 
 
 Buck. Volontiers. This tea is a pretty innocent 
 kind of beverage ; I wonder the French don't take 
 it. I have fome thoughts of giving it a fafhion 
 next winter. 
 
 Luc. That will be very obliging. It is of ex- 
 treme fervice to the ladies this fide the water you 
 know. 
 
 Buck. True, it promotes parties, and infufes a 
 kind of fpirit of converfation, and that 
 
 Luc. En voulez-vous encore ? 
 
 Buck. Je wus rends miile graces. But what has 
 occafioned me, mareine, the honour of your mef- 
 fage by Mr. Crab ? 
 
 Luc. The favours I have received from your 
 family, Sir Charles, I thought, demanded from 
 me, at my quitting your houfe, a more decent, 
 and ceremonious adieu, than our laft interview 
 would admit of. 
 
 Buck.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 43 
 
 Suck. Is that all, ma chere? I thought your 
 flinty heart had. at tali relented. Well, ma reinc, 
 adieu. 
 
 Luc. Can you then leave me ? 
 
 Buck. The fates will have it fo. 
 
 Luc. Go then, perfidious traitor, be gone; I 
 have this confolation, however, that If I cannot 
 legally p.Jleis you, no other woman fhall. 
 
 Buck, lley, how, what ? \ 
 
 Luc. And tho' the pleafure of living with you 
 is denied me, in our deaths, atleaft, we lhall foon 
 be united. 
 
 Buck. Soon be united in death ? When, 
 Child ? 
 
 Luc. Within this hour. 
 
 Buck. Which way ? 
 
 Luc. The fatal draught's already at my heart. 
 I feel it here ; it runs thro' every pore. Pangs, 
 pangs unutterable ! The tea we drank, urged by 
 defpair and love Oh ! 
 
 Buck. Well! 
 
 Luc. I poifon'd, 
 
 Buck. The devil ! 
 
 Luc. And as my generous heart would have 
 lhared all with you, I gave you half, 
 
 Buck. Oh, curfe your generofity ! 
 
 Luc. Indulge me in the cold comfort of a laft 
 embrace. 
 
 Buck. Embrace ! O confound you ! But it 
 mayn't be too late. Macruthen, Jonquil ! phyfi- 
 cians, apothecaries, oil and antidotes. Oh ! je 
 meurs, je meurs. Ah, la diablcffe ! [Exit. 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab. 
 
 Crab. A brave wench. I could kifs thee for 
 this contrivance, 
 
 Ld. J.
 
 44 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ld. J. He really deferves it all. 
 
 Crab. Deferves it! Hang him. But the fenfible 
 refentment of this girl has almoft reconci'ed me 
 to the wwld again. But ftay, let us fee Can't 
 we make a further ufeof the puppy's punifhment? 
 I fuppofe, we may very fafely depend on your 
 contempt of him ? 
 
 Luc. Moft fecurely. 
 
 Crab. And this young thing here, has been 
 breathing paffions and protections. But 111 
 take care, my girl fha'nt go a beggar to any man's 
 bed. We mult have this twenty thoufand pound, 
 Lucy. 
 
 Ld. J. I regard it not. Let me be happy, 
 and let him be 
 
 Crab. Pfha, don't fcorch me with thy flames. 
 Referve your raptures; or, if they muft have 
 vent, retire into that room, whilft 1 go plague 
 the puppy, [JLxeunt. 
 
 Enter Buck, Macruthen, Jonquil, Bearnois, 
 La Loire, Phyfician, Surgeon. Buck in a 
 Cap and Night Gown. 
 
 Surg. This copious phlebotomy will abate the 
 inflammation, and if the fix bIHlers on your head 
 and back rife, why there may be hopes. 
 
 Buck. Cold comfort. I burn, I burn, I burn 
 Ah, there's a fhoot. And now, again, I freeze. 
 Mac. Aye, they are fymptoms of a ftrong poi- 
 fon. 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am on the rack. 
 Mac. Oh, if it be got to the vitals, a fig for aw 
 antidotes. 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab, 'Where is this miferable devil ? What's 
 he alive ftill ? 
 
 Mac.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 45 
 
 Mac. In gude troth, and that's aw. 
 
 Buck. Oh ! 
 
 Crab. So you have made a pretty piece of 
 work on't, young man ! 
 
 Buck. O what could provoke me to return from 
 Pans ? 
 
 Crab. Had you never been there, this could not 
 have happened. 
 
 Enter Racket and Tally hoe. 
 Rack. Where is he ? He's dead man, his eyes 
 are fix'd already. 
 Buck. Oh! 
 
 Tally. Who poifon'd him, Racket ? 
 Rack. Gad I don't know. His French cook, I 
 reckon. 
 
 Crab: Were there a poffibility of thy refor- 
 mation, I have yet a fecret to reftore thee. 
 Buck. Oh give it, give it. 
 Crab. Not fo faft. It muft be on good con- 
 ditions. 
 
 Buck. Name 'em. Take my eftate, my fave 
 but my life, take all. 
 
 Crab. Firft then renounce thy right to that lady, 
 whofe juft refentment has drawn this punifhment 
 upon thee ; and, in which me is an unhappy 
 partaker. 
 
 Buck. I renounce her from my foul. 
 Crab. To this declaration you are witneffes. 
 Next, your tawdry trappings, your foreign fop- 
 pery, your wames, paints, pomades, muft blaze 
 before your door. 
 Buck. What, all ? 
 
 Crab. All ; not a rag (hall be referved. The 
 execution of this part of your fentence (hall be 
 affigned to your old friends here, 
 
 Buck.
 
 46 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Suck. Well, take 'em. 
 
 Tally, Huzza, come Racket, let's rummage. 
 
 [Exeunt Racket and Tallyhoe. 
 
 Crab. And, laftly, I'll have thefe exotic at- 
 tendants, thefe inftruments of your luxury, tbefe 
 panders to your pride, pack'd in the fidl cart, and 
 fent port to the place from whence they came, 
 
 Buck. Spare me but La Jonquil. 
 
 Crab. Not an inftant. The importation of 
 thefe puppies makes a part of the politics of your 
 old friends, the French ; unable to refifi you, 
 \vhilft you retain your ancient roughnefs, they 
 have recourfe to thefe minions, who would 
 firft, by unmanly means, fap and foften ?M your 
 native fpirit, arid then deliver you an eafy prey 
 to their employers. 
 
 Suck. Since then it muft be fo, adieu La Jon- 
 quil. [Exeunt Jonquil and Bearnois. 
 
 Crab. And now to the remedy. Come forth, 
 Lucinda. . 
 
 Enter Lucinda and Lord John. 
 
 Suck. Hey, why did not me fwallow the 
 poifon ? 
 
 Crab. No ; nor you neither, you blockhead. 
 
 Buck. Why, did not I leave you in pangs ? 
 
 Sue. Aye, put on. The tea was innocent, up- 
 on my honour, Sir Charles. But you allow me 
 to be an excellent a&refs. 
 
 Suck. Oh, curfe your talents! 
 
 Crab. This fellow's public renunciation, has 
 put your perfon and fortune in your own power : 
 and if you were fincere in your declaration of 
 being directed by me. bcftow it there. 
 
 Luc. As a proof of my fmcerity, my Lord, re- 
 ceive it.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 47 
 
 Ld. J. With more tranfport, than Sir Charles 
 the news of his fafety. 
 
 Luc. to Buck. You are not, at prefent, in a 
 condition to take pofTeflion of your poft. 
 
 Buck. What ? 
 
 Luc. Oh, you recolle6l; my Lord's private 
 friend ; his afliftant you know. 
 
 Buck. Oh, ho ! 
 
 Mac. But, Sir Charles, as I find the affair of 
 the poifon was but a joke, had na'yc better with- 
 draw, and tack off your blifters ? 
 
 Crab. No, let 'em flick. He wants 'em. And 
 now concludes my care. But before we clofe 
 the fcene, receive, young man, this laft advice 
 from the old friend of your father : As it is your 
 happinefs to be born a Briton, let jt be your boaft; 
 know that the bleffings of liberty are your birth- 
 right, which while you preferve, other nations 
 may envy or fear, but can never conquer or con- 
 temn you. Believe, that French fafhions are as 
 ill-fuited to the genius, as their politics are per- 
 nicious to the peace of your native land. 
 
 A convert to thefe f acred truths, you'll find, 
 That poifon for your punifliment defign'd 
 Will prove a -whole/bine medicine to your mind. 
 
 [Exeunt omncs. 
 
 FINIS.
 
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