Foote The Englishman Returned from Paris THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ENDOWMENT FUND THE ENGLISHMAN RETURNED FROM PARIS*. BEING THE SEQUEL TO THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS. A FARCE. IN TWO ACTS. As performed at C6e C&eatreg IRopal in IDrurp-'Hane anD By SAMUEL FOOfE, Efq. A NEW EDITION. L N D N : PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES, N? 77, FLEET-STREET. M,DCC,LXXXVIII. / Price One Shilling. . PRO ,? O CUE. SPOKEN By Mr. FOOT E. /~\ F all tie pajfions that pojjefs mankind, The love of novelty rules moft the mind, In fearch of this, from realm to realm ive roam. Our fleets come fraught luith every folly home. From Lyblas deferts hoftile brutes advance. And dancing dogs in droves Jkip hefe from France, From Latian lands gigantic forms appear, ~} Striding our Eritijh breafts with aive and fear, As once the Lilliputians Gulliver, J Not only objefls that off eel the fight, In foreign arts and artijls ive delight, Near to that fpot where Charles bejlrides a horfe, In humble profe the place is Charing Croft ; Clofe by the margin of a kennel's Jide, A dirty difmal entry opens luide, There *with hoarfe voice, check J&irt, and callous hand, Duff'j Indian Englijh trader takes his ftand, Surveys each pajfenger s vrai, mi Lor ? Ha, ha. Ld. J. The refemblance does not ftrike me. Perhaps I may *fe?m fingular; but the parti- cular cuftoms of particular countries, I own, ne- ver appeared to me, as proper objects of ridicule. Buck. Why fo ? Ld. J. Becaufe in this cafe it is impoffible to have a rule for your judgement. The forms and cuftoms which climate, constitution and govern- ment have given to our kingdom can never be tranfplanted with advantage to another, founded on different principles. And thus, though the habits and manners of different countries may be dire&ly oppofite, yet, in my humble conception, they may be ftriclly, becaufe naturally, right. Crab. Why there are fome glimmerings op common-fenfe about this young thing. Harkee, child, by what accident did you ftumble upon this blockhead? [to Buck] 1 fuppofe the line of* your underftanding is too fhort to fathom the depth of your companion's reafoning. Buck. My dear, \gapes.] Crab. I fay, you can draw no conclufion from the above premifes. Buck. Wno I ? Damn your premifes, and cbnclufions too. But this I conclude from what I have feen, my dear, that the French are the firft people RETURNED FROM PARIS. 19 people in the univerfe ; that, in the arts of living, they do or ought to give laws to the whole world, and that whofoever would either eat, drink, drefs, dance, fight, fing, or even fneeze, avec elegance, muft go to Pans, to learn it. This is my creed. / Cmb. And thefe precious principles you are come here to propagate. Buck. C'e/l vrai, Monfieur Crab : and with the aid of thefe brother miffionaries, I have no doubt of making a great many prolelytes. And now for a detail of their qualitks. Bearnois, avancez. This is an officer of my houfehold, unknown to this country. Crab. And what may he be ? I'll humour the puppy. Buck. This is my Swifs Porter. Tenez vous droit, Bearnois. There's a fierce figure to guard the gate of an hotel. Crab. What, do you fuppofe we have no porters ? Buck. Yes, you have dunces that, open doors ; a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But for intrepidity in denying a difagreeable vifiter; for politenefs in introducing a miltrefs, acutenefs in difcerning, and conltancy in excluding a dun, a greater genius never came from the Cantons. Crab. Aftonifhing qualities ! Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, here's a jewel indeed ! Ventz id, mon cher La Loire. Comment trouvez vous ce Paris id ? La L. Tref bun. Buck. Very well. Civil creature ! This, Mon- Jieur Crab, is my cook La Loire, and for hors d'oeuvres, entre rotis, ragouts, entremets, and the difpofition of a defert, Paris never fow his pa- rallel. B 2 Crab. 20 THE ENGLISHMAN Crab. His wages, I'fuppofe, are proportioned to his merit. Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare two hundred. Upon his cheerful compliance, in coming hither into exile with me, I have indeed doubled his (lipend. Crab. You could do no lefs. Buck. And now, fir, to compleat my equipage, regardez Monfieur La Jonquil, my firft valet dt chambre, excellent in every thing: but^owr I'ac- cottimodage, for decorating the head, inimitable. In one word. La Jonquil mall, for fifty to five, knot, twilt, tye, frize, cut, curl, or comb with any gar f on perruquier, from the land's end, to the Orkneys. Crab. Why, what an infinite fund of public fpirit muft you have, to drain yourpurfe, mortify your inclination, and expofe your perfon, for the mere improvement of your countrymen ? Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But at prefent I had another reafon for returning. Crab. Ay, what can that be ? Buck. Why I find there is a likelihood of fome little fracas between us. But, upon my foul, we muft be very brutal to quarrel with the dear, agreeable creatures, for a trifle. Crab. They have your affections then. Buck. De tout mm cent*. From the infinite civi- lity fhewn to us, in France, and their friendly profeffions in favour of our country, they can never intend us an injury. Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a hair. But I can have no longer patience with the pup- py. Civility arid friendship, you booby ! Yes, their civility at Paris, has not left you. a guinea in your pocket, nor would their friend/hip to your RETURNED FROM PARIS. 21 your nation leave it a foot of land in the uni- verfe. Buck. Lord John, this is a ftrange old fellow. Take my word for it, my dear, you miflake this thing egregioufly. But all you Englijli are con- ftitutionally fullen. November fogs, with fait boil'd beef, are moft curled recipes for good- humour, or a quick apprehenfion. Paris is the place. 'Tis there men laugh, love, and live ! Vive I' amour ! Sans amour, et fans fes dejirs, un cceur eft bien moins heureux quit ne penfe. Crab. Now would not any foul fuppofe that this yelping hound had a real relifli for the country he has quitted ? Buck. A mighty unnatural fuppofition, truly. Crab. Foppery and affectation all. Buck. And you really think Paris a kind of purgatory, ha, my dear ? Crab. To thee the moft folitary fpot upon earth, my dear. Familiar puppy ! Buck. Whimfical enough. But come, pour pa f+ fer le terns, let us, old Diogenes, enter into a little debate. Mi Lor, and you, Macruthen, determine the difpute between thatfource of delights, ce pa* radis de plaifir, and this cave of care, this feat of fcurvy and the fpleen. Mac. Let us heed them weel, my Lord. Mai- $er Crab has met with his match. Buck, And firft for the great pleafure of life, the pleafure of the table ; ah, quelle difference ! The cafe, the wit, the wine, the badinage, the perci- Jlage, the double entendre, the chanfons a boire. Oh, what delicious moments have I pafs'd chtz madams la duchej/e de. Barbouliac. Crab. Your miilrefs, I fuppofe. Buck. Who, 1 ! Fi done ! How is it poffible B 3 for sz - THE ENGLISHMAN for a woman of her rank, to have a penchant for me ? Hey, Mac. Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour to blab. But, to fay truth, the whole city of Paris thought as much. Crab. A precious fellow this ! Buck. Tai/ez voiu, Mac. But we lofe the point in view. Now, Monjieur Crab, let me conduct you to what you call an entertainment. And firft, the melancholy miftrefs is fixed in her chair, where, by the bye, fhe is condemned to do more drudgery than a dray-horfe. Next proceeds the matter, to marfhal the guetts, in which as much caution is neceffary, as at a coronation, with, " My lady, fit here," and, " Sir Thomas, fit " there," till the length of the ceremony, with the length of the grace, have deftroyed all appre- henfions of the meat burning your mouths. Mac. Bravo, bravo ! Did I na' fay bir Charles was a phcenomenon ? Crab. Peace, puppy. Buck. Then, in folemn filence, they proceed to demolifh the fubftantials, with, perhaps, an occafional interruption, of, li Here's to you, " friends," " Hob or nob/' " Your love and " mine." Pork fucceeds to beef, pies to pud- dings : the cloth is removed : madam, drenched with a bumper, drops a curtefy, and departs ; leaving the jovial hull, with his fprightly compa- nions, to tobacco, port, and politics. foila un repai a la mode d'A~>,gkterrc. Monfieur Crab. Crab. It is a thoufand pities that your father is not a living witnefs of thefe prodigious im- provements. Buck. C'efl vrai. But a propos, he is dead, as you fay, and you arc - , Crab. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 23 Crab. Againft my inclination, his executor. Buck. Peat etre; well, and Crab. Oh, my tafk will foon determine. One article, indeed, I am ftiitily enjoined to fee performed ; your marriage with your old acquaint- ance Luanda. Buck. Ha, ha, Ja petite Lucinde ! &? comment. Crab. Prithee, peace, and hear me. She is bequeathed conditionally, that if you refufe to marry her, twenty thoufand pounds ; and if me rejects you, which I fuppofe me will have the wifdorn to do, only five. Buck Reject me ! Very probable, hey, Mac / But could we not have an entrevue ? Crab. Who's there ? Let Luanda know we ex- pect her. \ Mac. Had na' ye better, Sir Charles, equip yourfelf in a more fuitable garb, upon a firfl vifit to your miftrefs ? Crab. Oh, fuch a figure and addrefs can derive no advantage from drefs. Buck. Serviteur. But, however, Mac's hint may not be fo mal a propos. Allans, Jonquil, je men vais m'habiller. Mi Lor, mall I trefpafs upon your patience ? My toilet is but the work of ten minutes. Mac, difpofe of my domeftics a leur ai/e, and then attend me with my portfeuille, and read, while I drefs, thofe remarks I made in my laft voyage from Fontambleau to Compeigne. Serviteur, Meffieurs ; Car le bon vin Du matin* Sortant du tonneau, Vaut bien mieux que Le Latin J)e tQuit la Sorbonne. [Exit. B 4 Crab. 24 THE ENGLISHMAN Crab. This is the moft confummate coxcomb ! I told the fool of a father, what a puppy Pans would produce him ; but travel is the word, and the confequence, an importation of every foreign folly : and thus the plain perfons and principles of old England., are fo confounded and jumbled with the excrementitious growth of every climate, that we have loft all our ancient characteriftic, and are become a bundle of contradictions; a piece of patch-work ; a mere harlequin's coat. Ld. J. Do you fuppofe then, fir, that no good may be obtained Crab. Why, prithee, what have you gained ? Ld. jf. I fhould be forry my acquifiiions were to determine the debate. But do you think, fir, the making off fome native qualities, and the being made more fenfible, from comparifon of certain national and conftitutional advantages, objecls unworthy the attention ? Crab. You (hew the favourable fide, young man : but how frequently are fubftitutcd for na- tional prepofreffions, always harmlefs. and often happy, guilty and unnatural prejudices .'Unnatu- ral ! For the wretch who is weak and wicked enough to defpife his country, fins againft the. moft laudable laws of nature; 'he is a traitor to L the community, where providence has placed him ; and fhould be denied thofe focial benefits he has rendered himfelf unworthy to partake. But fen- tentious lectures are ill calculated for your time of life. Ld. J. I differ from you here, Mr. Crab. Prin- ciples that call for perpetual practice, cannot be too foon received. I fincerely thank you, fir, for this communication, and fhould be happy to have always near me fo moral a monitor. Crab, RETURNED FROM PARIS. 25 Crab. You are indebted to France for her flat- tery. But I leave you with a lady, where it will be better employed. Enter Lucinda. Crab. This young man waits here, till your puppy is powdered. You may afk him alter your French acquaintance. I know nothing of him; but he does not fcem to be altogether fo great a fool as your fellow. [Exit. Luc. I'm afraid, fir, you have had but a dif- agreeable tete-a-tete. Ld. 7- J u ft tne contrary, madam. By good fenfe, tinged with fingularity, we are entertained as well as improved. For a lady, indeed, Mr. Crab's manners are rather too rough. . Luc. Not a jot ; I am familiarized to 'em, I know his integrity, and can never be difobliged by his fincerity. Ld. J. This declaration is a little particular, from a lady who muft have received her firft im- preffions in a place remarkable for its delicacy to the fair-fex. But good fenfe can conquer even early habits. Luc. This compliment I can lay no claim to. The former part of my life procured me but very little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I polfefs, was taught me by a very fevere miftrefs, adverfity. But you, fir, are too well acquainted with Sir Charles Buck, pot to have known my fitu- apon. Ld. J. I have heard your ftory, madam, be- fore I had the honour of feeing you. It was af- fecting: you'll pardon the declaration; it now pecomes interesting. However, it is ioipoflible I ihould 26 THE ENGLISHMAN fhould not congratulate you on the near approach of the happy cataftrophe. Luc. Events th;;t depend upon the will of ano- ther, a thoufanti unforefeen accidents may in- terrupt. Ld. 7. Could I hope, madam, your prefent critical condition would acquit me of temerity, I fhould uke the liberty to prefume, if the fuit of Sir Charles be rejected Enter Crab. Crab. So, Youngfter ! what I fuppofe you are already praftifing one of your foreign leffons. Perverting the affections of a friend's mittrefs. or debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloes, in modern morality. But at prefent you are my care. That way conduces you to your fellow- traveller. [Exit. Ld. J.~] 1 would ,; v.ak with you in the library. [Exit. Luc. 1 mall attend you, fir. Never was fo un- happy an interruption. What could niy lord mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not. it cannot concern nre, Gratitude and duty demand my compliance with the dying wifh of my bene- faclor, my friend, my father. But am I then to facrifice all my future peace ? But reafon not, rafh girl ; obedience is thy province. Tho" hard the tajk, be it my part to prove Thatjometimes duty can give laws to love. [Exit. ACT RETURNED FROM PARIS. ACT II. Buck at his Toilet, a f tended by three Valets de Chambre and Macruthen. Mac. ^L~T Otwithftanding aw his plain dealing, ^ I doubt whether Maifter Crab is fo honefl a man. Back. Prithee, Mac, name not the monfter. If I may be permitted a quotation from one of their paltry poets, Who is knightof theJJiirc reprefents 'email. Did ever mortal fee fucb mirroirs, fuch looking- glafs as they have here too ! One might as well addrefs onefelf, for information, to a bucket of water. La Jonquil, mettez vous le rouge, affez. Eh bien, Mac, miferable ! Hey 1 Mac. It's very becoming. Buck. Aye, it will do for this place ; I really could have forgiven my father's living a year or two longer, rather than be compelled to return to this [Enter Ld. John} My dear Lord, je demands mille pardons, but the terrible fracas in my chaife has fo gateed and difordered my hair, that it required an age to adjuftit. Ld. 7- No a Plgy Sir Charles, I have been entertained very agreeably. Suck. Who have you had, my dear Lord, to entertain you ? Ld. J. The very individual lady that's foon to make you a happy hufband. 28 THE ENGLISHMAN Buck. A happy \vho ? hufband ! What two very oppofite ideas confounded enj'emble ! In my confidence, I believe there's contagion in the clime, and my Lor is infe&ed. But pray, my dear Lor, by what accident have you difcovered, that I was upon the point .of becoming that happy Oh, un mart ! Diabh ? Ld. J. The lady's beauty and merit, your in- clinations, and your father's injunctions, made me conje6ture that. Buck. And can't you fuppofe that the lady's beauty may be poilcis'd, her merit rewarded, and my inclinations gratified, without an ablolute obe- dience to that fatherly injunction ? Ld. J. It does not occur to. me. Buck. No, I believe not, my Lor. Thofe kind of talents are not given .to every body. D.onnez moi mon manchon. And now you mail fee me manage the lady. Enter Servant. Ser. Young Squire Racket, and Sir Toby Tally ho f^ who call themfelves your honour's old acquaint- ances. Buck Oh the brutes.! By what accident could they difcover my arrival ! My dear, dear Lor, aid me to efcape this Embarras. Racket and Tallyhoe -without. Hoic a boy. hoic a boy. Buck. Let me die if 1 do not believe the Hot- tentots have brought a whole hundred of hounds with them. But they fay, forms keep fools at a diflance. I'll receive 'em en ceremonie. Enter RETURNED FROM PARIS. 29 Enter Racket and Tally hoe. Tally. Hey boy, hoix, my little Buck. Buck. Monfieur le Chevalier, votre tres humble ferviteur. Tally. Hey. Back, Monfieur Racket, je fuis charme de vous voir. Rack. Anon what ! Buck. Ne m'entendez vous ? Don't you under- ftand French ? Rack. Know French! No, nor you neither, I think, Sir Toby, foregad I believe the papiftes ha bewitch'd him in foreign parts. Tally. Bewitch'd and transformed him too. Let me perifh, Racket, if I don't think he's like one of the folks we ufed to read of at fchool, in Ovid's Metamorphis ; and that they have turned him into a beaft. Rack. A beaft! No, a bird, you fool. Lookee, Sir Toby, by the Lord Harry, here are his wings. Tally. Hey ! ecod and fo they are, ha, ha. I reckon, Racket, he came over with the wood- cocks. Buck. Voila des verilables Anglois. The ruftic rude ruffians ! Rack. Let us fee what the devil he has put upon his pole, Sir Toby. Tally. Aye. Buck. Do, dear Savage, keep your diftance. Tally. l\ay, fore George we will have a fcru- tiny. Rack. Aye, aye, a fcrutiny. Buck, hn grace. La Jonquil, my Lor, protect me from thefe py rates. Ld. J. 30 THE ENGLISHMAN Ld. y. A little companion, I beg, gentlemen. Confider, Sir Charles is on a vifit to his bride. Tally. Bride ! Zounds : he's fitter for a band- box. Racket, hocks the heels. Rack. I have 'em, knight. Foregad he is the very reverfe of a bantam cock ; his comb's on his feet, and his feathers on his head. Who have we got here ! What are thefe fellows, paftry-cooks ? Enter Crab. Crab. And is this one of your newly acquired accomplishments, letting your miflrefs languifh for a but you have company, I fee. Buck. O, yes, I have been inexpreflibly happy. Thefe gentlemen are kind enough to treat me, upon my arrival, with what I believe they call in this country, a rout. My dear Lor, if you don't favour my flight. But fee if the toads a'n't tumb- ling my toilet. Ld. J. Now's your time, fteal off; I'll cover your retreat. Buck. Mac, let La Jonquil follow to re-fettle my cheveux. jfe vous remercie mills, millc fois y mon cher my 1 or. Rack. Hola, Sir Toby, ftole away ! Bu ARBARIAN CRUELTY ; or Sufferings of Britifh Cap- **> tives in Morocco, i vol. fmall 8vo. Price 35. 6d. 2. BOYLE's VOYAGES and ADVENTURES in feveral Parts of the World, i vol. 12010. Price 35. 3. BROWN's FAMILY TESTAMENT and SCHOLAR'* ASSISTANT, in one large volume izmo. Price 2s. 4. FOOTE's DRAMATIC WORKo, with Memoirs of his LIFE, in 4 vols. 8'*o Price il. los. r. FRANKLIN's SOPHOCLES, i vol. Svo. Price 75. 6. GEOGRAPHY for YOUTH ; illultnted by 12 Maps and other Copper-plates, in i vol. i2mo Price js. 6d. 7. 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