;OLLA PODRIDA. ^ 
 
 1788. 
 
 TPrice 6s. boards. J
 
 TO THE 
 
 PRESIDENT AND FELLOWS 
 
 OF ST. MARY MAGDALEN COLLEGE 
 
 IN OXFORD, 
 ARE INSCRIBED 
 THE FOLLOWING PAGES, 
 BY A MEMBER OF THEIR SOCIETY, 
 
 WHO BEING UNWILLING, 
 IN THE SMALLEST DEGREE, 
 
 TO INVOLVE THE CREDIT 
 OF SO RESPECTABLE A COMMUNITY 
 
 IN THE SUCCESS OF 
 
 HIS OWN TRIFLING UNDERTAKING, 
 THINKS PROPER TO DECLARE, 
 
 THAT, 
 
 WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, 
 HE HAS PRESUMED TO OFFER THEM 
 THIS MARK OF HIS RESPECT 
 AND GRATITUDE. 
 
 HE IS THEIR OBLIGED, 
 AND OBEDIENT HUMBLE SERVANT 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 B
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 A PREFACE to a Work, if read 
 at all, is generally read the 
 firft ; though as generally, I believe, 
 written the laft. Few authors know 
 the limits of their undertaking till 
 theii: work is finifhed ; but mod Rea- 
 ders begin a book with the perufal of 
 page the firft. 
 
 This cultom of writing a Preface 
 when the work is complete is at- 
 tended with peculiar advantages. 
 An Author having diligently purfued 
 the thread of his labours, through a 
 B 2 fpacc
 
 iv PREFACE. 
 
 fpace of five hundred pages, may 
 then certainly fit down and inform his 
 readers, with great deliberation, what 
 he intends to do. 
 
 It may not be impertinent to fup- 
 pofe him modeflly beginning in fome 
 fuch manner as this : 
 
 *' It is my intention, in as fhort a 
 compafs as the nature of the fubjecl: 
 will admit, to offer, with becoming 
 humility, fome important truths to 
 the confederation of my Readers, which 
 will, I truft, convince them that the 
 narrative of Captain Lemuel Gulliver 
 abounds with grofs and palpable mif- 
 reprefentations, geographical miftakes, 
 and botanical errors ; and will more- 
 over imprefs conviction on their 
 minds that the whole of that too po- 
 pular hiftory is a catchpenny account, 
 which defer yes no credit. I am clearly 
 
 able
 
 PREFACE. v 
 
 N 
 
 able to prove, that fuch a commander 
 as Captain Lemuel Gulliver never 
 ferved in our navies I fhall alfo in 
 the courfe of my work add a few ob- 
 fervations on the nature of truth and 
 falfhood, and conclude with a lift of 
 Britifh Commanders from the time of 
 Admiral Drake inclulive The whole 
 will form an ufeful repofitory of 
 fcience, be dedicated to the people of 
 Great Britain, and is ferioufly recom- 
 mended to the ufe of fchools," 
 
 Thus are we preface-writing au- 
 thors juftified in fpeaking of ourfelves 
 and our performances. Nor is it 
 often that we reft fatisfied with a pro- 
 tracted enumeration of our particular 
 accomplifhments ; we are frequently 
 defirous to enhance their value by 
 afTerting boldly, that all who have 
 preceded us in iimilar attempts have 
 porTeffed no one requifite for the pro- 
 per execution of their talk. 
 
 B 3 Upon
 
 vi PREFACE, 
 
 Upon the whole, however, nothing 
 can be fo proper as for an author to 
 recommend his own work. Is not 
 he who writes a book the moft likely 
 perfon in the world to know its ex- 
 cellencies ? The feeming indelicacy 
 of becoming the herald of our 
 own accomplifhments, ought not 
 to relift the good of the commu- 
 nity. Betides, I would ask, who 
 Icrnples to commend to a purchafer 
 his dog, his horfe, or his daughter ? 
 " They are well-bred, Sir, and well- 
 managed This from the Godolphin- 
 Arabian that from Pompey of 
 Northumberland the other by my 
 firft wife, with a well-ftocked fhop 
 in Hounfditch." 
 
 In imitation of fo laudable an ex- 
 ample, I too mall expect not only 
 pardon, but praife ; addreffing my 
 
 Reader
 
 PREFACE. vi 
 
 Reader in the true fpirit of fuch mo- 
 deft affurance, ovccio an raujrjc 7% 
 'swx&opathpc I wifti you joy of this 
 learned mifcellany. 
 
 The principal intention however 
 of this Prosemium yet remains un- 
 anfwered. I had only in view to in- 
 troduce to my Readers fuch of my 
 correfpondents as have obliged and 
 gratified me by their affiftance; and 
 whofe permiflion to make my public 
 acknowledgements to them will con- 
 fer on thefe pages whatever credit 
 they may appear to deferve. 
 
 By the indulgence of my valuable 
 friend the Rev. Mr. Kett, of Trinity 
 College, Oxford, I am allowed to in- 
 form my Readers that I am indebted to 
 him for thofe numbers ligned <^. viz. 
 4, 22, 27, 39, and 42. 
 
 B 4. For
 
 v 
 
 For number 30, I am obliged to 2 
 Gentleman whofe fludious retirement 
 has made him better known as the 
 elegant author of Columella, the Spi- 
 ritual Quixote, and other works of 
 fancy and humour, than as the Rev. 
 Mr. Graves of Glaverton near Bath. 
 
 For number 1 6, I have to thank an 
 intimate friend, of whofe tafte and 
 abilities every one has had fufficient 
 teftimony who has fortunately feen 
 Select Beauties of Ancient Englifli 
 Poetry, lately publifhed with Remarks, 
 by Mr. Headley of Norwich. 
 
 I am permitted to fay, that for 
 number 20, my work is indebted to 
 Francis Grofe, Efq. F. A. S. 
 
 For number 24, to the Rev. Jofeph 
 Pott, Rector of the Old Jewry. 
 
 For numbers 32, 37, and 38, to 
 Mr. Berkeley, of Magdalen Hall, Ox- 
 ford, 
 
 For
 
 PREFACE. Ix 
 
 For number 34, to Mr. Hammond 
 of Merton College. 
 
 For a letter, iigned Viator, to the 
 Rev. Mr. Agutter, Magdalen College. 
 
 For number 41, to the Rev. Mr. 
 Mavor. 
 
 For three letters, figned, John 
 Scribe, John Crop, and Jeremy Cra- 
 zybones, to -Mr. Leycefter of Merton 
 College. 
 
 Did I know the author of num- 
 ber 10, 1 certainly would not omit this 
 opportunity of making him my beft 
 acknowledgments. 
 
 There is yet one other Correfpon- 
 dent, to whom this work is indebted 
 for thofe numbers which bear the 
 fignature of Z; viz. 7, 9, 12, 13, 17, 
 23, 26, 29, and 33. 
 
 To him I feel my felf obliged, as to 
 one who has defcended from the emi- 
 nence
 
 ix PREFACE. 
 
 nence of a fuperior itation to encou- 
 rage an individual, whofe principal 
 merit was, the defire of contributing 
 to the entertainment of others, with- 
 out difgracing himfelf.' The per- 
 miilion of faying from whom I have 
 received thefe favours, involves an 
 additional obligation. My motive for 
 not ufing the privilege with which I 
 am thus indulged, is, that in an- 
 nouncing fuch a name to the public, 
 I might feem to have principally in 
 view the gratification of my vanity. 
 I might alfo perhaps, by fome awk- 
 ward nefs in my mode of introdu&ibn, 
 refled no great credit upon the perfon 
 introduced. 
 
 lu thefe pages I have occafion- 
 ally taken the liberty for which I 
 ftipulated in my introductory number, 
 and for which I have the fanclion. 
 of many fimilar publications of more 
 * eftab-
 
 PREFACE. xl 
 
 eftablimed reputation, as in the 
 inftances of Jerry Simple, Cantwell, 
 Polumathes* Snub, and Socrates in 
 Embryo, of addreffing letters to 
 myfelf. If under thefe feigned cha- 
 racters I have added to the flock of 
 innocent amufemenr, or if I may in 
 general claim the credit of praife- 
 worthy intentions, I am willing to 
 believe that I may, without any fear 
 of the confequences, avow myfelf to 
 be the original projector and promoter 
 of the OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 THOMAS MONRO, A. B. 
 
 St. M. Magdalen College, Oxford. 
 
 OLLA
 
 [ '3 1 
 
 OLLA PODRIDA, 
 
 NUMBER I. 
 
 SATURDAY, March 17, 1787. 
 
 Sii down and feed, and welcome to our Table. 
 SHAKSPEARE'S As Ton Like It. 
 
 . 
 
 EVERY one muft have obferved the 
 unpleafant fituationof a bafhful man, 
 upon his introduction into a room, where 
 he is unacquainted with the company : his 
 arms are an incumbrance to him ; when 
 addreffed, he hefitates in reply, or anfwers 
 with confufion ; his converfation is. forced, 
 and his remarks moft likely foreign to the 
 
 purpofe,
 
 14 OLLAPODRIDA. N i. 
 
 purpofe, and unnatural. I cannot but 
 confefs that fuch is my prefent fituation. 
 While I am utterly unacquainted with the 
 humours of the perfons I am addreffing, 
 my converfation muft naturally be expected 
 to turn upon the weather, the news, and 
 the common occurrences of the day ; when 
 we are become more intimate, we mall be 
 more communicative ; we may then pro- 
 ceed to the difcuffion of various weighty 
 points of fafhion, honour, pleafure, fome- 
 times perhaps defcending to literature^ but 
 never to politics. 
 
 Should I unfortunately be detected in ad- 
 dreffing complimentary letters to myfelf, 
 filled with encomiums upon the elegance 
 of my ftyle, the purity of my language, 
 and the verfatility of my genius ; I hope, 
 with the reafonable number of my readers 
 (and I cannot expect an unreafonable num- 
 ber), it will be a fufficient excufe, that 
 cuftom hath made it a neceflary appendage 
 to a work of this kind. Such letters muft 
 be written ; and, if no ingenious friend will 
 fave'me the trouble of tranfcribing them 
 from dedications addreffed to other great 
 
 men,
 
 N i. OLLA PODRIDA. 15 
 
 men, why I muft e'en go to work my- 
 felf. 
 
 Upon reviewing the different reafons 
 which are affigned by authors for favour- 
 ing the world with their publications (or, 
 as the ungrateful world is too apt to call 
 it, for obtruding their nonfenfe on the 
 public), I find, that with fome it is an al- 
 leviation of pain, with others a diversion 
 from melancholy contemplations ; fome 
 fcribble becaufe it is cold weather, others 
 becaufe it is hot ; fome becaufe they have 
 nothing elfe to do, and others becaufe they 
 had better do any thing elfe. 
 
 To fome this cacoethes fcribendi is a chro- 
 nic complaint. I remember a man who 
 had regularly a fit of the gout every Sep- 
 tember : he was unavoidably confined to 
 the houfe, which as unavoidably produced 
 a fit of reading, and dilating to an amanu- 
 enfis (for write he could not), fo that by 
 ihaking hands with him, you might dif- 
 cover the advance of his poem from the 
 fize and (rate of his chalkftones. Many 
 of' thofe people (who, having been long af- 
 flicted with rheumatic complaints, are 
 
 become
 
 i6 [OLLA PODRIDA. 1ST i. 
 
 become tolerable chronicles of the weather), 
 agree in their obfervation, that a rainy fea- 
 fon is apt to produce an inundation of fcrib- 
 blers. Thus I have known the birth of an 
 epic poem foretold by the (hooting of a 
 corn ; and an ode to peace prophefied from 
 a pain in the moulder. The reafon of this 
 is obvious ; wet weather confines people at 
 home ; people confined at home become 
 fick, liftlefs, fatirical, melancholy. Now 
 the fick man muft not fufFer his ideas to 
 ftagnate, the liftlefs muft have fomething 
 to diffipate his ennui, the fatirical fomething 
 to vent his fpleen upon, and the melan- 
 choly fomething to amufe him ; and each, 
 to anfwer his particular end writes. 
 
 Mr. Afflatus, who " is now a fcribbler, 
 that was once a man," caught his diftemper 
 by the mereft accident in the world. He 
 was going out a mooting, .and preparatory 
 to it employed himfelf in drying his pow- 
 der by the fire. A fpark flying out, the 
 whole magazine was in flames ; and my 
 friend fuffered fo much in the explpfion. 
 from the havock it made in the features of 
 his face, that I fcarce knew him. He 
 4 was
 
 Ni. OLLAPODRIDA. 17 
 
 was condemned for a confiderable time to 
 his chamber, and during that confinement 
 firft became acquainted with the Aoniaa 
 ladies. He was driven by neceffity to read ; 
 and chance having flung in his way the 
 energetic poetry of Sir Richard Blackmore, 
 fuch a furor poeticus was kindled in his 
 breaft, that he infhntly miftook himfelf for 
 a genius, and communicated his miftake to 
 the publick. 1 have been informed, that 
 in his firft fit of poetick phrenfy, he was fo 
 confiderably elevated and furious, that after 
 having kicked down a whole fet of china, 
 the fervants were obliged to be Called in to 
 
 o 
 
 hold him. The wet weather ftill affects 
 him, but he is now lefs violent ; and his 
 domefticks take no other precaution than 
 when they find the glafs falling, or the Iky 
 clouding over, to remove every thing out 
 of his way which might be damaged by a 
 fall. I can now eafily conceive fome fly 
 female enquiring what, after all this detail 
 of other people's misfortunes, can be the 
 reafon of thy fcribbling ? To which, as I 
 am a downright kind of a being, I anfwef 
 with more truth than politenefs, becaufe it 
 C "happens
 
 i8 OLLA PODRIDA. N'r. 
 
 happens to be my humour; and, mj dear 
 madam, ihould you be half as well pleafed 
 with what you read, as I am with what I 
 write, I mall find in you a conftant reader, 
 and you will find in me a conftant atten- 
 tive flave. And fince 1 have indulged the 
 flattering fuppofition, that I may poffibly 
 find a reader or two among the Ladies, I 
 beg leave to inform them, that it is by no 
 means my wim to call off their attention 
 from their work, to difmal enquiries into 
 the nature of truth and falfehood, to the 
 apophthegms of moralifts, thedifcoveries of 
 philofophers, or the difquifitions of the lear- 
 ned. I (hall frequently devote a paper 
 entirely to their fervice ; and, as I have 
 none of thofe antiquated prejudices or opi- 
 nions about me, that advice may ttnd to 
 the reformation of manners, or indeed that 
 mankind ftand in any need of improvement, 
 I (hall ftudy to entertain them without af- 
 fuming the fuperiority of a dictator. 
 
 In my attempts to colled materials for 
 this purpofe, I mail hope to fucceed, not- 
 withftanding " Oxford" (according to the 
 opinion of many) " is fuch a dull, infipid, 
 
 " out
 
 Nr. OLLA PODRIDA. 19 
 
 66 out of the way place, that if it were not 
 46 for the flage coaches, it would be difficult 
 "for a body to pick up news enough in 
 " the week to furnifh a petit- maitre's 
 " pocket-book.'* 
 
 There ftill remains a very large clafs of 
 readers for whom I confefs myfelf totally 
 unable to provide. I mean thofe who 
 (from various caufes which I (hall not at 
 prefent enumerate) are entertained with 
 nothing but anecdotes of the beau monde, 
 gleaned from waiters and unliveried gentle- 
 men, or the fcurrilities of an infolent buf- 
 foon, which are unpunimed becaufe they 
 are unworthy of noticei 
 
 That my attention has not been engaged 
 in purfuits which will enable me to gratify 
 fuch taftes, I do not repine. 
 
 Cur ego laborem notus effe tarn prave, 
 Cum flare gratis cum lilentio poflim ? 
 
 MARTIAL. 
 
 c< Why mould I labour in vicious indufrry, 
 " when I may remain without toil in in- 
 " nocent filence ?" 
 
 3 I ihould
 
 26 OLLAPODRIDA, N* ** 
 
 I mould in vain endeavour to convey to 
 my readers any very accurate idea of my 
 propofed plan, as that which is in itfelf in- 
 complete, muft be imperfect in defcriptioii. 
 Thus far I can venture to promife them, 
 that however little pleafure they may reap 
 from perufing the produce of a gayer hour, 
 or however little inftruftion from the lucu- 
 brations of a graver one, they will not have 
 occafion to reproach me with having wil- 
 lingly difleminated error, having made my 
 correfpondence with the publick the vehi- 
 cle of private calumnies, or miniftered by 
 my pen to the gratification of vice. 
 
 I may now perhaps be forgiven if I fay a 
 few words of myfelf j and having entered 
 upon that favourite topic on which the 
 dull can expatiate with brilliancy, and the 
 flerile with copioufnefs, let me obtain the 
 negative praife of not having been prolix. 
 I mall only then add, that I am in good 
 health, neither tick, liftlefs, fatirical, nor 
 melancholy ; and that I mall be thankful 
 for the communications of all correfpon- 
 denfs, and object to the publiming of no- 
 thing,-
 
 Ni. OLLA PODRIDA. 21 
 
 thing, which is not devoid of candour, de- 
 licacy, common fenfe, or grammatical cor- 
 reclnefs. 
 
 pereat mea mufa, dolofum 
 
 Si quando ornaret vitium, aut cecinifle recufet 
 Virtufemque, artemque, et quicquid carmine 
 qlignum, 
 
 
 C 3 NUM-
 
 [ 22 ] 
 
 NUMBER II, 
 
 SATURDAY, March 24, 1787, 
 
 Laud ant ilia, fed ijla legunt. MARTIAL. 
 
 TH E elegant and juftly-admired au- 
 thor of the Adventurer * cenfures 
 the practice of our inftrudtors of youth, for 
 making their pupils more intimately ac- 
 quainted with the Iliad than the OdyfTey of 
 Homer. 1 fear he has done this without 
 producing, by his arguments, a reforma* 
 tion in the conduct of fome, who ftill per- 
 fift in the proiecution of their plan ; or 
 convicliqn in the minds of others, who 
 may have altered it. " This abfurd cuf- 
 tom (fays he), which feems to arife from 
 
 * N 75. 
 
 the
 
 N2. OLLA PODRIDA. 23 
 
 the fuppofed fuperiority of the former 
 poem, has induced me to make fome re- 
 flections on the latter." The cuftam does 
 not appear to me an abfurd one, but found- 
 ed on the experience of its utility ; nor can 
 I think the fnperiority of the Iliad fuppofed, 
 but real. 
 
 " The moral of this poem (fays the Ad- 
 venturer) is more extenfively ufeful than 
 that of the Iliad, which, indeed, by dif- 
 playing the dire effects of difcord among 
 rulers, may rectify the conduct of princes, 
 and may be called the manual of monarchs : 
 whereas the patience, the prudence, the 
 wifdom, the temperance, and fortitude of 
 Ulyfles, afford' a pattern, the utility of 
 which is not confined within the compafs 
 of courts and palaces, but defcends and dif- 
 fufes its influence over common life and 
 daily practice/' Upon this argument, 
 namely, that the affairs which the Iliad 
 treats of, are too far removed from common 
 life to be of fervice to common readers, is 
 grounded his principal objection to the 
 practice before obferved. Admitting the 
 polition to be true, the conclufion does not 
 C 4
 
 34 OLLA PODRIDA. N 2, 
 
 necefTarily follow. It is univerfally air 
 lowed, that the doctrine of morality has 
 never been more forcibly inculcated, or its 
 practice more ftrermoufly and fuccefsfully 
 recommended, than in the lofty tales and 
 fublime language of Eaftern, literature. 
 They have been fubjecls of imitation to an 
 Adventurer, and a Rambler, and of admi- 
 ration to all. The tendency of thefe tales 
 is univerfally an incitement to virtue, by 
 3n unlimited difplay of the workings of 
 Providence. Yet how far removed are they 
 from the bufinefs " of common life and 
 daily practice !" 
 
 Infinite merit is certainly due to the fim- 
 plicity of the OdyfTey. Yet is the Iliad by 
 no means inferior in this particular. Even 
 " inter Reges atque Tetrarchas" there is fre- 
 quently room for it, an,d no opportunity is 
 Joft of introducing i. Whoever recollects 
 how Andromache was employed, when 
 5rom the top of the tower (he beheld the 
 fate of her husband, will in vain feek tq 
 find the (implicity of that paflage which de- 
 fcribes her employment any where equalled.
 
 i 
 
 N2. OLLAPODRIDA. 25 
 
 V M V ' 
 
 ; & 7p ol' T/f ei 
 
 
 'AAA' '^/' /g^ u<p/v? 9 
 
 UTTQ 
 
 ctpMi o SWECTC- 
 
 II. X. 44 q. 
 
 But not as yet the fatal news had fpread 
 To fair Andromache, of Hedlor dead, &c. 
 POPE, book 22. line 462, &c. 
 
 Crlticifm has no language to defcribe the 
 exquifite tendernefs and fimplicity of the 
 
 g'/i<rexi TpiTrooi psyctv, 
 
 Mr. Pope's tranflation of which paflage will 
 give the Englifh reader a very faint idea of 
 the beauties of his original. The general 
 originality of Thomfon will not be im- 
 peached if I fubjoin a pafFage from his 
 
 Winter,
 
 26 OLLAPODRIDA. N 9 2. 
 
 / 
 
 Winter, which bears a beautiful refemblnnce 
 of the foregoing lines in Homer . 
 
 In vain for him th' officious wife prepares 
 The fire fair blazing, and the veftment warm ; 
 In vain his little children, peeping out 
 Into the mingling ftorm, demand their fire 
 With tears of artlefs innocence. Alas ! 
 Nor wife, nor children more fhall he behold, 
 Nor friends, nor facred home. 
 
 " If the faireft examples (proceeds the 
 Adventurer) oVght to be placed before us 
 in an age prone to imitation, if patriotifm 
 be preferable to implacability, if an eager 
 defire to return to one's country and family, 
 be more manly and noble, than an eager 
 defire to be revenged of an enemy, then 
 ihould our eyes be fixed rather on Ulyffes 
 than Achilles.- Unexperienced minds, too 
 eafily captivated with the fire and fury of 
 a gallant general, are apt to prefer courage 
 to conftancy, and firmnefs to humanity." 
 It is one of the acute Dr. Clarke's oblerva- 
 tions, that Homer has reprefented the cha^ 
 rafter of Achilles, " qualis fait, non quahs 
 effe debyerit" The remark, however ob- 
 Yious it * may appear when made, would 
 
 not
 
 N2. OLLA PODRIDA. 27 
 
 jiot perhaps have occurred to the mind of a 
 common reader. The conduct of the foil 
 of Peleus is related, but not defended ; the 
 caufe of virtue does not fuffer by the exhi- 
 bition of a character in moft relpedts ami- 
 able, in all illuftrious, yet fometimes giving 
 way to the gratifications of luft, and fome- 
 times to an inordinate thirfl for revenge. 
 Its proper ftigma is inflicted upon each de- 
 viation from virtue, by placing it in an 
 odious light. His affectionate lamentation 
 pver jiis dead friend Patroclus, does not pre- 
 vent the poet from fUgmatizing the cruelty 
 he exercifed upon the {lain Hector. 
 
 From a contemplation of the character 
 of Ulyfles and Achilles, very different fen- 
 timents arife When we are obferving the 
 former, the mind is rapt in unwearied ad- 
 miration, it is fcarce awakened to obferva- 
 tion from a continued feries of praife-wor- 
 fhy actions, but fl umbers in the fulfome- 
 nefs of perpetual panegyric. If we would 
 examine thoroughly the character of the 
 latter, the mind muft be ever at work: 
 There is much to praife, and much to con- 
 demn, through a variety of good and bad 
 
 cir-
 
 28 OLLA PODRIDA. N 2. 
 
 circumftances ; we muft " pick our nice 
 way." His well -placed affection, his warm 
 friendship, will create love ; his revenge 
 odium, and his cruelty abhorrence. Doubts 
 will arife, and enquiry muft be made, whe- 
 ther the one is more to be approved, or 
 the other more to be avoided. Thus are 
 we kept fbr ever on the watch ; if our vigi- 
 lance be for a moment abated, we have 
 pafled over fome leading feature in the cha- 
 racter of the Hero, or loft the recital of 
 fome circumftance, by which we might de- 
 termine whether the virtues or the vices of 
 Achilles preponderate. When Ulyffes 
 comes forward, the mind is already pre- 
 pared, and knows what to expect : He is 
 either the -sroXv^ts &og O^Weus' , the wife and 
 divine UlyJJes, or the Seoi; evaXiyxtoi; auJV, 
 UfyJ/es godlike in wee. But upon tke ap- 
 pearance of Achilles, we are uncertain 
 whether he has broken his refolution of not 
 going out to battle, or whether he is medi- 
 tating the deflruction of the Trojan bul- 
 wark. 
 
 The
 
 N2. OLLAPODRIDA* 29 
 
 The meeting between Achilles and Hec- 
 tor, which is terminated by the death of 
 the latter, is replete with variety fufficient 
 to arreft the attention of every one, and or- 
 nament fufficient to pleafe every attention 
 it engages. That defiance which each 
 hurls at the other, marks the bravery of 
 both ; and when the latter falls, the prow- 
 els of the former is confirmed. The fcene 
 now alters. In his fpeech over the dead 
 body of Hector, Achilles affigns to the gods 
 the honour of his victory ws^y rovfe 
 
 Since now at length the powerful will of heaven 
 The dire deftroyer to our arm has given. 
 
 POPE, book 22. line 275, &Ci 
 
 Yet this generofity cannot deprecate our 
 abhorrence of the cruelty which follows-* 
 Hector is dragged at the wheels of his con- 
 queror's chariot-^*- 
 
 A(pt os ^a<7^> 
 UTTKV tv Ko^^Tt 
 
 His hair is clotted, and ihat countenance^ 
 heretofore fo beautiful, is all polluted in the 
 duft. ' 
 
 Now
 
 30 OLLA PODRIDA. N2. 
 
 Now loft is all that formidable air ; 
 The face divine, the long defcending hair, 
 Purple the ground, and ftreak the fable fand. 
 POPE, book 22. line 505, &c. 
 
 This is done amid the lamentations of the 
 Trojans, and it may be prefumed the filent 
 acquieicence of the Greeks. Yet the dif- 
 trefs of this fcene is (till to be heightened. 
 Who can bear the appearance and voice of 
 the old king Priam, without heaping curfes 
 upon the author of his diftrefs ? Xnr<ropat 
 avspoi Tv)cy ctlua-QoiXov oGpiuotptW) CSV. 
 
 I, only I will ifTue from your walls, 
 (Guide or companion, friends I afk ye none) 
 And bow before the murderer of my fon, 
 
 POPE, book 22. line 531, &c. 
 
 *' The remaining reafbns why the Odyf- 
 fey is equal (fays the Adventurer) if not fu- 
 perior to the Iliad, and why more peculi- 
 arly proper for the perufal of youth, arc 
 becaufe the great variety of events and 
 fcenes it contains, ihtereft and engage the 
 attention more than the Iliad ; becaufe cha- 
 racters and images drawn from familiar life, 
 are more ufeful to the generality of readers, 
 5 and
 
 N2. OLLA PODRIDA. 31 
 
 and are alib more difficult to be drawn ; 
 and becaufe the condud of this poem (con-' 
 fidered as the moft perfect of epopees) is 
 more artful and judicious than that of the 
 other." The firft of thefe remaining rea- 
 fons, namely, that the OdyfFey muft inter- 
 eft and engage the attention more than the 
 Iliad, 1 fear is a declaration which will go 
 near to overturn what was advanced in the 
 beginning of the critique, " that unexpe- 
 rienced minds, too eafily captivated with 
 the fire and fury of a gallant general, are 
 apt to prefer courage to conftancy, and 
 firmnefs to humanity." The difficulty of 
 drawing a character is perhaps no where fo 
 happily furmounted as in the 2d book of 
 the Iliad, wherein he gives an account of 
 Therfites. 
 
 &1JV, ye*. 7.0 o fTSpov t&(&a t tu> $s 01 
 
 \Tll ^Og GVVOy.WKOTS* aVTCCO 
 
 -' w ffi 
 
 Too ya^ mxsfsrxe. Tor' <xv A 
 'O^sot K&xXyywg hsy* oysftwt* rti 3' p 'Ayjxiol 
 
 iv T Ivl Svu.cH). 
 
 o //.p @owvy 'Ayoc^p.ovci vdxts p!9u. 
 His figure fuch as might his foul proclaim ; 
 One eye was blinking, and one leg was lame : 
 POPE, book 2. line 263, &c.
 
 32 OLLAPODRIDA. N2. 
 
 This may perhaps be called rather a de- 
 fcription of his perfon than a delineation of 
 his character. Yet, if with this defcription 
 we take in the few preceding lines, the art 
 of the poet has left us ignorant of nothing 
 which is paffing in the mind of Therfites. 
 Providence has been kindly parfimonious in 
 the production of fuch objects, yet they 
 have come within the notice of moft peo- 
 ple. The conduct of the Odyffey may be 
 more reducible to rule, but the Iliad abounds 
 with the fublimer beauties. 
 
 Whoever is acquainted with the Ajax 
 and Philoctetes of Sophocles, and the con- 
 tention between Ajax and Ulyffes of Ovid, 
 will be convinced that Homer's character 
 of Ulyffes is drawn to an excels con amore i 
 and that of Achilles with fidelity. On the 
 one hand, he will obferve the flattering 
 fondnefs of the Painter ; on the other, he 
 will approve the inflexible veracity of the 
 Hiftorian. 
 
 NUM-
 
 t 33 ] 
 
 NUMBER IIL 
 
 SATURDAY, March 31 ft, 1787, 
 
 Arcades Ambo* 
 
 O LAVES at Athens, who had been 
 guilty of theft, were, in order to pub- 
 lim their difgrace and infamy, branded in 
 the forehead with two letters, and were 
 thence called ypqtpalot or literati. 
 
 When -I acknowledge my obligations to 
 two diftinguimed literati, whole letters will 
 compofe the fubftance, of this paper, I 
 caution my claffltal readers agaiiift fup- 
 pofing that I ufe the word in its original 
 Athenian fenfe. 
 
 D To
 
 34 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3. 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 DEAR BROT HER, London, March, 1787. 
 
 THE familiarity with which I addrefs 
 you will, I think, be fufficiently juftified, 
 when I inform you, that I am an author 
 as well asyourfelf. Our lines of bufinefs differ 
 indeed. Your care feems to be in endeavour- 
 Ing to entertain your readers with produc- 
 tions of the lighter caft, while I am engaged 
 in graver duties ; troublefome indeed to 
 myfdlf, but of the utmoft importance to 
 mankind. You muft know, I am the mouth 
 from which many of our paftors and in- 
 ftruclors deliver their oracles. In fhort, my 
 office is to write fermons for young divines ; 
 which (fuch is my zeal for religion) I diftri- 
 bute at three pence each, or 2 s. 9 d per 
 dozen. After the expences of printing, &c, 
 are defrayed, my gains, as you may fuppofe, 
 are very fmall. Yet, fmaii as they are, Sir, I 
 am fatisfied, while my confcience, without 
 flattering, tells me I have deferved, if not 
 obtained, a reputation. One of my fermons
 
 N3- OLLAPODRIDA. 35 
 
 (it was printed in a type which might be 
 miftaken for hand-writing, price only I s.) 
 procured the purchaser of it a leclurefhip in 
 the Borough ; to be fure, the gentleman 
 had a main good voice, which he did not 
 pofiefs for nothing. But what is the fage 
 without the goofe ? 
 
 Another gentleman, a doctor, who wrote 
 rather grave fermons, being much fmitten 
 with a young lady, who objected to him on 
 account of his gravity, applied to me for a 
 fermon fuited to his circumftances. I took 
 his cafe into coniideration, and provided 
 him with a difcourfc fo lively, that he car- 
 ried, off the lady in triumph in lefs than 
 three weeks. Nobody flept ; the people 
 were very attentive, and flared a good deal. 
 
 While I was bufy in compofing this ier- 
 mon, a few evenings ago, for the doctor, 
 three young divines, my cuftomers, rapped 
 at my door. Compliments having been on 
 each fide paid and received, they were feat- 
 ed. When I informed them of the bufmefs 
 I was engaged in, from what reafon I know 
 not, I found in all of them a promptitude 
 to laughter, which was irkfome to me ; but 
 
 D 2 as
 
 36 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3. 
 
 as every now and then fome obfervation 
 was made, which was the fpecious caufe of 
 their merriment, I was unwilling to fup- 
 pofe they meant a direct infult. But at 
 lad: I had too manifeil: a proof of their in- 
 tentions to deride me. My candle wanted 
 muffing, the fnurTers were not to be found. 
 I have no bell in my room, but am accuf- 
 tomed to fummon my landlady, who lives 
 under me, by the {tamp of my foot. I now 
 gave the young rogues occafion to banter 
 me. One told me, I reminded him of Pompey 
 the Great, who declared before the fenate, 
 that he could raife legions by the motion of 
 his foot ; but that I was fuperior, in per- 
 forming what Pompey found he could not. 
 Another dryly congratulated me upon the 
 acquifition of a place in the {ramp-office : 
 the third (who was determined to have his 
 fling at me, though what he faid had no- 
 thing to do with the prefent bufinefs) beg- 
 ged I would give him my opinion of South's 
 fermons ; and obferved, that he had that 
 morning turned off his taylor for having 
 detected him in cabbaging. 1 difdained to 
 make any reply to the groflhefs of their 
 2 wit,
 
 N3- OLLAPODRIDA. 37 
 
 wit, nor did I even reproach them with in- 
 gratitude. I neither reminded the one of 
 the charity fermon which got him fo much 
 applaufe ; nor the other, of the funeral fer- 
 mon which fet his congregation a-roaring. 
 But to me they are obliged for moft of 
 their difcourfes, and all their reputation. 
 To be fure, the flip I made in tranfcribing 
 South's fermon was unlucky. But am 
 I for that to be made miferable for ever ? 
 Am I for that to lofe my reputation ; and 
 muft I return to my old trade of ftay- 
 making ? Do, good brother, coniider the 
 dignity of our profeffion, and put me in a 
 way of mitigating the rigour of fome of my 
 critical cuftomers, and regaining the favours 
 of others which I have loft by an unfortu- 
 nate cabbage, or the laughter of an audience, 
 when it was the intention of the preacher 
 that they mould be grave. Render me 
 this piece of fervice, and I will write your 
 funeral fermon, which you mall infpecT:, 
 and, if you pleafe, alter before you die. 
 Bound, together with you, 
 in the fervice of the publick, 
 Believe me yours fincerely, 
 HABAKKUK CANTWELL. 
 D 3 P. S.
 
 38 OLLA POIDRIDA. N 3 . 
 
 P. S. If any gentleman agrees with me 
 for fermons by the great, I give him my 
 lecture on delivery for nothing, and for tny 
 cflay on pulpit-oratory charge him only one 
 (hilling and fix pence, which to common 
 cuftomers is two millings. I exchange 
 his old lermons for new at half price. 
 
 N. B- My landlady has requefted that 
 I will take every handfome opportunity of 
 informing her neighbours and the public, 
 that me fells corn plafter and really very 
 
 good, for I have ufed it. N 13, St. 
 
 ftreet, Petty France To prevent miftakes, 
 a blue lamp over the door. Mr. Cantwell 
 is -always at home, except on Sundays, and 
 then is to be Ipqken with at the Admiral 
 Rodney, Iflington. 
 
 I am unwilling to quarrel with the far 
 rniliarity of my brother Cantwell, left, as 
 he in all probability deals in the proverbs 
 and the noverfa, he fliould remark that I 
 lay myfelf open to the application of the 
 well-known, " Two of a trade can never 
 agree."" His generality in making a pre- 
 
 iciit
 
 N3- OLLA PODRIDA. 39 
 
 ient of his lecture to his cuftomers, reminds 
 me of the lame man, who cried, " Come, 
 buy my gingerbread, and ]'ll give you a 
 dram." 'Tis true he gave his dram, but made 
 you pay fix pence for-a gingerbread nut. So 
 the famous Dr. Leo cures his patients gra- 
 fts, and only charges half-a- crown for his 
 of 
 
 <To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I herewith fend you a (hort hiftory of 
 myfelf. I did once keep a theme-mop in 
 an univerfity, which fhall be namelefs, 
 where I ferved undergraduates with exerci- 
 fes of every kincj> having men under me 
 whom I employed in the different branches 
 of the trade, Thefe were not your handi- 
 craftfmen, your Starvelings, and your 
 Nick- bottoms ; but, as I may fay, they were 
 eruditl togati homines, learned men, men of 
 the gown. To each I allotted their difFer- 
 D 4 ent
 
 40 O L L A P O D RI D A. N 3. 
 
 ent departments ; here were your tranfla- 
 tors, your declamation-fpinners, and your 
 weavers of Lent-epigram. By the labours 
 of thefe gentry, whom I paid by the piece, 
 I got a decent livelihood ; but as I thought 
 rny talents confiderably improved by habi- 
 tual commerce with books and bookim men, 
 I refolved to (hake off all incumbrance, and 
 ieek a place where I, might give play to my 
 abilities, and obtain a (hare of reputation 
 as well as a livelihood. It is now about a 
 twelvemonth fince, that, in conformity to 
 this refolution, I opened a neat and conve- 
 nient mop, not far from the bottom of the 
 Haymarket, where 1 deal out to cuftomers 
 of all forts whatever they may want in the 
 literary way, at the loweft prices. 
 
 I have by me, in the poetic line, every 
 thing that can be named, from an acroflic 
 to an epic poem. I have fun-rifings and 
 fun-fettings for all perfons, places, and 
 feafons. Not, like Mr. BickerftafFs, con- 
 fined to this or that condition. But I have 
 the milk-maid's fun-rife, the cooler's fun- 
 rife, the politician's fun-rife, the poet's 
 pr common fun-rife, with proper fun-fets 
 
 to
 
 N3- OLLAPODRIDA. 41 
 
 to match them. 1 have ftorms for Teamen, 
 and ftorms for landfmen ; not to mention 
 a few hailftorms, fqualls of wind, &c. &c. 
 I have fimiles from Aracadia for paftoral 
 writers ; metaphors for people of quality, 
 in Joe Miller's true fenfe of the word, fuch 
 as you never met-a-fore ; and a bundle of 
 tropes unforted, confiding of metonomy, 
 apofiopefis, fynecdoche, &c. for epic 
 poets and fonneteers. I have a fine foli- 
 loquy, fuppofed to have been uttered by 
 Nahum Tate upon his death -bed. It is not 
 in a flrain of rant, but fo tender it 
 would do your heart good to hear how 
 my mop -boy does roar when I read it to 
 him. 
 
 In the way of profe, I have jokes for 
 disbanded ftatefmen, elegantly-turned com- 
 pliments fuited to all occafions, and pane- 
 gyrics applicable to all people, provided 
 they are high in the world ; an eflay on 
 the baneful effects of intemperance and 
 charcoal ; a loofe parcel of fentences for 
 mottos ; a few knowing phrafes to be ufed 
 at races, with a file of conundrums to make 
 
 the
 
 42 OLLAPODRIDA. N*3, 
 
 the ladies laugh the latter are well adapt- 
 ed to the mouth of any gentleman who 
 has a remarkable good fet of teeth. Of the 
 graver kind, I have two fermons, which 
 fmack pretty well of the high church. A 
 two-milling pamphlet upon the rite and 
 fall of the tucker. This is in black letter, 
 and treats of an invention of our anceftors, 
 which has been unhappily loft. I have 
 looked in Pancirolus, and all the books of 
 that fort, and can find no mention of it ; 
 it is therefore a connderable curiofity. 
 
 I have fpeeches fuited to members of 
 parliament in all trying ntuations ; whether 
 they are about to confult their conftituents 
 through the medium of a hogfhead of cla- 
 ret, or to defcant upon an infringement of 
 the game laws. Some pithy farcafms upon 
 country members, who have been often 
 ridiculed, but never properly handled. An 
 effay on matrimony, and an elaborate trea- 
 tife on the ufe and abufe of the parenthefis 
 in modern competition. Who knows, 
 Mr. >, but I may be able to ferveyou 
 
 one of thefe days, when you have been idle,
 
 N 3 . OLLA PODRIDA. 43 
 
 or are put to it for a joke! I fay nothing, 
 but there is nobody I would fooner oblige. 
 I will fend you fome fpecimens of the dif- 
 ferent works I have mentioned ; and {hall 
 hope at leaft to meet with your approbation, 
 if not your cuftom. 
 
 I am, Sir? yours, &c. Sec. 
 
 POLUMATHES. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ 44 ] 
 
 NUMBER IV. 
 
 
 SATURDAY, April ;th, 1787. 
 
 Deferar in vicum vendentem thus & odores 
 Et piper &? quicquid chartis amicitur ineptis. 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 Perhaps in the fame open bafket laid, 
 Down to the ftreet together be conveyed ; 
 Where pepper, odours, frankincenfe are fold, 
 And all fmall wares in wretched rhimes un- 
 roll'd. FRANCIS. 
 
 IT is melancholy to reflect on the un- 
 happy circumftances which have fre- 
 quently attended the deaths of authors. If 
 we turn over the pages of literary hiftory, 
 we (hall find that although many have en- 
 joyed
 
 N4- OLLA PODRIDA. 45 
 
 joyed the gratification of hearing their own 
 praifes, and fome have even balked in the 
 funmine of opulent patronage, yet their 
 deaths have been often obfcure, and fome- 
 times difaftrous. Cicero fell a vi&im to 
 party-rage ; Sidney expired in the field of 
 battle ; Crichton fell by aflaffination ; and 
 Otway perimed by famine. 
 
 The fate of books is oftentimes fimilar 
 to that of authors. The flattery of dedica- 
 tions, and the teftimony of friends, are 
 frequently interpofed in vain to force them 
 into popularity and applaufe. It is not the 
 fafhion of the prefent day to indulge the 
 hangman with the amufement of commit- 
 ting books to the flames ; yet they are in 
 many inftances condemned to a more inglo- 
 rious deftiny. The grocer, the chemift, 
 and the tallow-chandler, with " ruthlefs 
 " and unhallowed hands," tear whole li- 
 braries in pieces, and feel as little compunc- 
 tion on the occafion, as the Thracian ladies 
 did, when they difmembered Orpheus. 
 The leaves are diilributed among their cuf- 
 tomers with fundry articles of trade that 
 have little connection with claflical frag- 
 ments,
 
 4 6 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4. 
 
 ments, whilft the tradefman, like the 
 Sibyl, cares not a farthing what becomes of 
 them. 
 
 Nunquam delude cava volitantia prcndere fax& 
 Nee re-vocare fitus aut jungere carmlna cur at. 
 
 VIRGIL. 
 
 I was led into this train of thought by 
 receiving a pound of fugar from my neigh- 
 bour Tim Tear-title^ the grocer, wrapt up 
 in a meet of letter prefs. Tim deals fo 
 largely in books, that he has many more 
 than are fufficient for his own tife, with 
 which he very bountifully obliges the li- 
 terati in foreign parts. I remember, juft 
 before the American war broke out, my 
 curiofity was excited to know what a large 
 hogfhead, which flood at his door, con- 
 tained. I found, on clofe examination, 
 that it was filled with old pamphlets, moft 
 of them on fubjec~r.s of liberty, non-con- 
 formity, and whiggifm, which Tim was 
 going to (hip off for a Yankee (hop- keeper 
 in New-England. Whatever fage politi- 
 cians may have faid to the contrary, it is 
 not at all to be doubted, that the impor- 
 7 tat ion
 
 N 4- OLLA PODRIDA. 4? 
 
 tation of this cargo fpread the wild-fire of 
 rebellion among the Boftonians, and was 
 the fole caufe of the late bloody and expen- 
 five war. Although my neighbour Tim is 
 no fcholar by profeffion, yet it is aflonim- 
 ing what a progrefs he has made in books. 
 He has finimed a compleat fet of the Ge- 
 nera/ Councils, and is now hard at work 
 upon the Antc-Nicenc Fathers^ whom he 
 cuts up with greater expedition than Dr. 
 Prieftley himfelf. Perhaps more logick 
 and metaphyficks have pafled through his 
 ''hands than Lord Monboddo ever faw. He 
 would have been a long time in difpatching 
 a fet of French Reviews, had he not begun 
 upon them when the price of coffee was 
 reduced. The other day fome young fparks, 
 who belong to a celebrated academy, where 
 every thing is taught, brought him a par- 
 cel of Latin claflicks. He tore off the co- 
 vers with as much fang-jroid as a Nymph 
 of Billingfgate ftrips an oyfter of its mell, 
 and bought Horace and Virgil for three- 
 halfpence per pound. He obferved, with 
 a fapient look, " That as for your Virgillfs 
 *' translation intoLatin, I reckon it no better 
 
 " than
 
 4 3 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4. 
 
 " than vvafle paper ; but if it had been Mr. 
 " Dryde?is Hi/tory of the Trojan Horje, I 
 " would have kept it for my own read- 
 
 " ing-** 
 
 I have been told by learned men, that 
 
 it is a queftion much debated in the Uni- 
 verfities, whether or no the place ought to 
 agree with the thing placed. Now after all 
 that ferious meditation, which fo abftrufe 
 a point requires, I am determined to decide 
 in the affirmative. For who cannot fee 
 the propriety, or rather (as R&efm Square 
 would fay*) the fitnefs of things, in wrapping 
 up a cheefe-cake in a paftoral, fugar-candy 
 in a dedication, or gunpowder in a fermon 
 on the fifth of November? 
 
 There never was a time when learning 
 forced itfelf fo much into notice as it does 
 at prefent. You can no more walk a hun- 
 dred yards in any flreet, or go into any 
 houfe, without feeing fome difplay of it, 
 than you can turn a corner in London 
 without feeing a beggar, or hear a failor 
 talk without fwearing. A man of fafhion 
 imperceptibly keeps up his acquaintance 
 with his alphabet, by playing at the noble 
 
 game
 
 N4. OLLA POOR I DA. 49 
 
 game of Te-totum, or rifquing his fortune 
 at an EO table. Book- flails furnifh hif- 
 tory ; the walls of houfes poetry; hand- 
 bills medicine ; fire- fcreens geography, and 
 clocks morality. Thefe are the channels 
 which convey to the porter the knowledge 
 of the conftitution, to the apprentice the 
 art of rhiming, to members of Parliament 
 an acquaintance with our India fettlements, 
 and to the fat alderman, wife fayings. 
 
 For my own part I am not fatisfied with 
 fuch vulgar means of growing learned, but 
 love to follow literature into her more fe- 
 cret recefiesi Fortunately, chance has 
 furniftied me with the means of doing this, 
 \vithout being driven to the immenfe bore 
 of poring over books, which would only 
 produce the effects of a dole of opium. I 
 have a trunk, which, like the dagger of 
 Hudibras, may be applied to more purpofes 
 than one. It is lined with feveral meets of 
 the Royal Regifter, and of courfe contains 
 much edifying information. During my 
 travels, I watch my trunk with the fame 
 fond anxiety which Sane ho ufed to feel for 
 his beloved Dapple. On my arrival at an 
 E
 
 50 OLLAPODRIDA. N 4 ; 
 
 inn, after having ftudied the moft curious 
 manufcript in the houfe, the bill of fare, 
 I unlock my magazine of linen and learn- 
 ing, and feaft upon delicious fcraps of cha- 
 racters, until more fubflantial food is fet 
 upon the table. When I travel in com- 
 pany, my aflbciates complain of my taking 
 an unreafonable time to equip myfelf* 
 They are not aware, that frequently whilft 
 they think I am fluctuating between boots 
 and fhoes, I am conjecturing what the ini- 
 tial letters of my fragment {land for, and 
 that, inftead of changing my linen, I am 
 fluffing from the Duke of Marlborough to 
 Lord Chatham. 
 
 To thofe who wim not to forget all that 
 their fchool-mafters taught them, this fore 
 of light reading is to be recommended. It 
 would be no bad plan if all genteel people 
 would furnim their trunks, portmanteaus^ 
 caravans, and band-boxes with the beauties 
 of fome author that fuits their tafte. If 
 the Beau Monde mould be afraid of injur- 
 ing their eyes, by thefe ftudies, Mademoi- 
 felle Abigail, or Monlieur Valet de Cham- 
 bre, had bettejr be deputed to read trunk- 
 lectures-
 
 N4- OLLA PODRJDA. 51 
 
 lectures to them. Hoyleon whifl will an- 
 fwer extremely well for old ladies ; Tom 
 Jones or Joieph Andrews for boarding- 
 fchool mifles ; Ecton's Thefaurus, of the 
 Art of ihooting flying, for parfons; Pa- 
 terfon's book of roads for lawyers on the 
 circuit 5 and Phillidore on chefs for the 
 gentlemen of the army. 
 
 Pedants may object, that if the ab6ve 
 plan fhculd become general, the works of 
 the learned will be no longer treafured up 
 in the libraries of the great. But let them 
 not be alarmed ; for they may be certain, 
 that whilft books are coniidered by a refined 
 age as a fpecies of ornamental furniture, 
 and fupply the place of the daffies in wood, 
 they will not be driven from their prefent 
 pofts. There is, it muft be confefled, great 
 reafon to be alarmed at the deftrucliori 
 which threatens fome branches of litera- 
 ture. Innumerable enemies are conftantly 
 on the watch, to annihilate infipid novels, 
 fcurrilous fatires, party pamphlets, and in- 
 decent fongs. If they chance to attract 
 the publick eye for a week or two, they 
 cannot efcape that deftiny which their au- 
 E 2 thors
 
 52 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4, 
 
 thors were too much dazzled with their 
 own charming productions to forefee. As 
 weeds by their decay fertilize.the foil from 
 which they fprung, fo thefe flimfy and 
 noxious publications do great fervice to fo- 
 ciety, by lighting a pipe, embracing a 
 tallow-candle, or forming the bails of a 
 minc'd-pie. Q. 
 
 NUM-
 
 [ S3 1 
 
 SATURDAY, jfcil i 4 th, 1787. 
 
 M/crw 
 
 GR. PROV. 
 
 THERE is no fpecies of fcience 
 whofe utility is more generally al- 
 lowed than that which is called Knowledge 
 of the World, the fafeguard of the prudent, 
 the manual of the cunning, and fometimes 
 the inftrument of virtue. It has been often 
 remarked, that men of acknowledged abi- 
 lities and great literary merits, have been 
 in general found more deficient in this kind 
 of knowledge than the illiterate and the 
 vulgar. Some have ranked, this acquifition 
 E 3 fo
 
 54 OLLA PODRIDA. N" 5. 
 
 fo low, as to to have fuppofed it unworthy 
 fuch men's attention ; others have, per- 
 haps, erroneoufly conjectured, that it was 
 too high for their' attainment; and others 
 again, with more fhadow of reafon, have 
 afcribed their want of it to the imperfec- 
 tion of human nature. 
 
 Since the excellence and fuperiority of 
 this attainment is acknowledged by all, it 
 is not to be wondered at, if the acquisition 
 of it engages the attention and purfuit 
 of all. 
 
 It may not be improper to afcertain, as 
 near as poffible, the meaning of the term 
 Knowledge of the World, which with 
 every different clafs of men has a different 
 acceptation. With fome people it means, 
 what has been called a knaviJJj form of un- 
 derjlandingi abounding in tricks of low 
 cunning, and pregnant with ftratagems, by 
 which a perfon advances his own intereft, 
 without regard to the ruin of the unwary, 
 or the contempt of the upright. The maa 
 of trade, whom his own arts or his own 
 industry have enriched, is fufficiently con- 
 vinced, that to his knowledge of the 'world 
 he is indebted for his prefent exemption 
 
 from
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 55 
 
 from bufinefs, for the enjoyment of his 
 villa, and the envy of his neighbourhood. 
 In his great veneration for this kind of 
 knowledge, he forgets that the fame arts 
 which expedite the acquifition of wealth, 
 frequently fupply temptations to impair ho- 
 nefty. 
 
 Some arrive at this knowledge, by living 
 with an opera-linger at Paris, bringing 
 home the name of a noted Italian ballet- 
 mailer, or wearying out the attention of 
 their yawning friends with indefinite and 
 v.nfatisfactory accounts of the Efcurial. To 
 fome a more eafy path toward the acquit 
 ing knowledge is open ; they may learn, 
 without leaving London, with what eafe 
 the ace of fpades will convey an eftate from 
 one honourable family to another ; of how 
 little moment it is when compared with a, 
 rational amufement of a fertous game of 
 whirl:, whether a wife be made unhappy, 
 or a family ruined, 
 
 Some, who are not fond of parting with 
 
 their money without any gratification, have 
 
 been prudent enough to ftipulate forjport 
 
 in exchange ; well latisfied they repair to 
 
 E 4 that
 
 56 OLLA PODRIDA. N5, 
 
 that repofitory of the arts and fciences, 
 Newmarket, and are handfomely recorn- 
 penced by a good gallop for the lofs of their 
 whole fortune. 
 
 It is knowledge of the world which di- 
 recls the cheefe-monger's wife in her choice 
 of a gown, and the putting up of her 
 pickles ; it determines whether her cap 
 fhall be like Mrs. Cheshire's or Mrs. Tape's; 
 whether her Sunday's ride fhall convey her 
 to the Angel at High- gate, or to the Pack- 
 horfe at Turn- ham- green. Knowledge of 
 the world periuades the Spendthrift, that in 
 expence alone conhfls thtfcavcirvivre ; and 
 teaches the Ufurer to withhold his loan, 
 till the premium is doubled. The increafe 
 o this knowledge begets that comfortable 
 contempt which each clafs entertains for 
 the other ; it fbpports the man of fub- 
 ftance in his condemnation of poverty, and 
 inftru6ls the man of pleafure to defpife the 
 fons of mechanifm and tallow. 
 
 It is knowledge of the world by which the 
 man of fafhion acquires a readinefs in the 
 different forms of falutation ; the proper 
 referye with which he treats an inferior; 
 
 and
 
 OLLA PODRIDA.^ 57 
 
 and the fkilful adulation with which he ap- 
 proaches the. fool greater than himfelf. 
 
 To his knowledge of the world the clerical 
 folicitor is obliged^ while he evades the" pe- 
 nalties incurred by fimoniacal contracts, 
 flies from the vigilance of epifcopal enquiry, 
 and is mean enough to (hear the flock, which 
 he is too proud to feed. 
 
 The fceptic in religion difcovers his 
 knowledge of the world by aflerting a natural 
 right to think for himfelf; by fearching 
 with eager enquiry after what muft be for 
 ever before his eyes ; and doubting the truth 
 of that which nature infifh upon " through 
 *' all her works." 
 
 It is forfooth an accurate knowledge of the 
 world which prompts the Atheift to inform 
 his hearers, that the duties of religion are 
 impoiitions upon the weak and credulous, 
 the contrivances of ambition, the clogs 
 and impediments to the progrcfs of real 
 merit. 
 
 It is this falutary knowledge of the world 
 which affifts the Libertine in his career, 
 and gives vigour to the arm of the fuicide. 
 
 This
 
 58 OLLA PODRIDA. N 5. 
 
 This beaded wifdom then, by which the 
 tradefman acquires wealth, the minion of 
 faftiion the notice of his peers, the fceptic 
 reputation, and the libertine encourage- 
 ment, is too high for the attainment only 
 of men of abilities, fcience, and literature I 
 This is furely a portion to which no logi- 
 cal fallacy can give the appearance of truth. 
 Is it probable, that the fame man, who 
 can fuccefsfully combat the infidious argu- 
 ments of fchifmatic theologifts, mould be- 
 come the dupe of a low-minded and defign- 
 ing mechanic ? Or mail He, who can 
 with accuracy examine the claims of the 
 importer Mahomet, bow down before the 
 fuperior wifdom of a tricking pedlar ? 
 
 It is from an honeft benevolence of heart, 
 the peculiar concomitant of an enlighten- 
 ed mind, which neglects to fortify itfelf 
 againft attacks it has never provoked, and 
 difdains to fufpedl: the injury it has never 
 felt, that men of fuperior talents frequently 
 fall into the fnares of thefe fagacious fons 
 of prudence. 
 
 It is not to be wondered at, that they 
 
 whofe attention has been diverted from the 
 
 5 concerns
 
 N 5- O L L A P O D R I D A. 59 
 
 concerns of the world to obje&s of a higher 
 nature, mould perform thofe offices which 
 are ne ceflary to fociety with lefs fkill than 
 others, whofe lives have been confumed in 
 the confbmt intercourfe with mankind, and 
 the noife and buftle of bufinefs. In the 
 performance of thefe offices, the frequent 
 iuperiority of ignorance over learning is evi- 
 dent and confefled. The former oftentimes 
 effects with eafe what the latter in vain at- 
 tempts, with aukwardnefs and timidity ; 
 aukwardnefs, arifing from a bafhful mind, 
 and timidity from the confcioufnefs of its 
 own defects. 
 
 Yet let thofe who excel in worldly wif- 
 dom bear their triumph with moderation, 
 when they are reminded, that wealth, 
 which only gratifies the avarice of its pof- 
 feflbr, without being the inftrument of his 
 benevolence, is neither honourable nor or- 
 namental ; and that power, for which am- 
 bition pants, only fhews itfelf ilhiftrious, 
 when it is exerted to fupprefs injuftice, and 
 to protect innocence. 
 
 NUM.
 
 [ 6o ] 
 
 NUMBER VI, 
 
 SATURDAY, April sift, 1787, 
 
 Credula turba fumus. 
 
 r T^HE character of the late king of 
 Pruffia, together with the refidence 
 of Dr. Katterfelto, and other heroes of that 
 country in England, have contributed to 
 raife in the minds of many of our country- 
 ineu a very high and fplendid idea of that 
 nation of philofophers, warriors, and phy- 
 ficians. 
 
 I was
 
 N6. OLLA PODRIDA. 61 
 
 I was paffiog, not long ago, through 
 Holborn with a friend, whom I had all 
 my life miftaken for a man of fenfe, when 
 a printed bill of Dr. Katterfelto's was put 
 into our hands, and foon after the Doctor 
 himfelf, in a fhabby kind of chariot, whif- 
 ked by us : -Is that, exclaimed my friend, 
 an equipage fuitable to the character and 
 condition of a brother to a colonel in the 
 king of Pruma's life-guards ? Ought he' to 
 be reduced to the neceffity every day of 
 reminding the publick of his foliation, his 
 dignity, and his quality ? Is it not fcanda- 
 lous, that he who has done fuch (ignai 
 fervices to all the princes and potentates of 
 Europe, (hould be fullered in this humili- 
 ating manner to fupplicate the attendance 
 of gentlemen and ladies upon his exhibition 
 at only one milling each ? Oh, Mr. -, 
 I am forry to fay it, we are an envious na- 
 tion, and willing only to favour thole 
 whom we defpife. The French fend over 
 their Veftris, their dancing-dogs, and 
 wheedle us out of our money, an dthen 
 Ikip off with it ; the Italians, but we will 
 not talk of them, for 1 (hall be in a paffion 
 
 while
 
 6 2 OLLA PODRIDA. N6. 
 
 while this honeft Dr. Katterfelto cari 
 with difficulty obtain a livelihood. There's 
 Dr. Leo again, who has performed fuch 
 and fo many extraordinary cures in moft of 
 the king of Pruffia's camps, to fay nothing' 
 of his table in Covent-garden, where I 
 myfelf have felt the falutary effects of his 
 advice. I am really afhamed, fir luppofe 
 thefe gentlemen mould ever go back, aS 
 they have often threatened, to their own 
 Country, what muft become of our nati- 
 onal reputation ,? The wonderful Do6tor 
 would take away his cats with him, and 
 the tall regiment would laugh at Us. 
 
 My friend was fo ferious in his harangue, 
 that I would not hazard offending him by- 
 ridicule ; but I could not help hinting my 
 doubts as to the truth of the aflertions, 
 which thefe gentry are very apt to make. 
 
 Upon my return home, I immediately 
 difpatched a meflenger to the (hop of my 
 ingenious and valuable friend and corre- 
 fpondent Mr. Polumathes, requeuing that 
 he would fend me by the bearer a fhort e- 
 fay on that benevolent credulity, by which 
 our friend John Bull is fo diftinguifhed, 
 
 and
 
 N6. OLLA PODRIDA. 63 
 
 and fo deceived ; with which I purpofed 
 to conclude this paper. My meflengef 
 brought back the following anfwer, replete 
 with that candour and good fenfe for which 
 Mr. P. is fo juftly celebrated* 
 
 Dear S/'r, Friday Morning* 
 
 THE commiffion vou have 
 
 * 
 
 been fo kind as to favour me with, highly 
 flatters me. It raifes my idea of your dif- 
 cernment, and my own abilities : But the 
 reafon why I cannot execute it fo faithfully 
 as I could with, is briefly as follows: Some 
 time ago, it was, 1 know not by what ene- 
 mies to the ftate,mduftrioufly ftrewed in the 
 common ear, and was believed by the herd, 
 that the lake of Geneva was filled with Gin* 
 Now this I knew to be a vulgar error, and 
 to prevent its evil confequences by emigra- 
 tion, and to put a little money in my 
 own pocket, I gave the world a pamphlet 
 on the fubjecl. Herein I fufficienrly pointed 
 out to my honed countrymen thofe incon- 
 Teniences, into which they were too eafily 
 led by their credulity ; I allured them the 
 
 report
 
 64 OLLAPODRIDA. N 6. 
 
 report was a falfe one ; and, moreover, 
 that they might get as good gin at the 
 Two Brewers, or the White Horfe Cellar^ 
 as Geneva could produce. You will not be 
 furprifed if I add, that in this pamphlet I 
 exhaufted on the fubject all the rhetoric I 
 had in my mop, and indeed left myfelf fo 
 bare of argument, that I had not enough 
 by me to anfwer a trifling fquib which was 
 written in ridicule of my work. 
 
 Receive my thanks for the honour yoii 
 have done me, and believe me on this, and 
 all other occafions, your fervant at com- 
 mand, 
 
 MICHAEL POLUMATHES; 
 
 Such being the anfwer of my friend Mr. 
 Michael Polumathes, my intention of giv- 
 ing to the world a treatife upon fo intereft- 
 ing a fubjecl:, is fruftrated ; and I have room 
 left to recommend to their notice the let- 
 ters of two other correfpondents.
 
 N6. OLLA POD RID A. 65 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 DEAR SIR, 
 
 I mould be very much obliged to you or 
 any perfon who would define to me the 
 meaning of a very common phrafe, " He's 
 a dry fellow." It is a mode of expreflion 
 which all people ufe, and many, I dare fay, 
 underftand : I own, I do not. As I was 
 coming out of Whitehall, a few Sundays 
 ago, I met a friend at the door, who aiked 
 me what the Doctor had been preaching a- 
 bout ; I told him, as near as I could guefs, 
 about twenty-five minutes. He immedi- 
 ately put me down, as he faid, for a dry 
 fellow. It was in vain that I affured him 
 I was not dry. He infilled upon it I was, 
 and he mould reckon me fo as long as I 
 lived. I was fome time after relating to 
 him what I thought a Ion-mot of a man, 
 who, being advifed to enlarge his houfe, 
 becaufe (^as his advifer obferved) he had 
 not room to fwing a cat, (Imply replied, 
 " I don't want -to fwing a cat." He heard 
 F my
 
 66 OLLAPODRIDA. N 6. 
 
 my ftory, and then affirmed, that I had a 
 fet of the driejl acquaintance of any man 
 he knew. I repeatedly endeavoured to 
 bring him to an explanation, but to no pur- 
 pofe : all I could get from him was, " a 
 curfed dry fellow a dry dog indeed." 
 Now if this phrafe has no meaning, it 
 fhould be abolifhed ; if it has any, I mould 
 take it as a great favour if it might be no 
 longer concealed from the vulgar ; of which 
 I confefs myfelf one. 
 
 JERRY SIMPLE* 
 
 ft the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 Sauntering along the road the other day, 
 I came to a fmall Inn, where all wasbuftle 
 and confufion by the arrival of fome great 
 family, with their numerous retinue ; but 
 what claimed moft attention was the ac- 
 cident of a favourite dog, who was trod on 
 by one of the horfes turning fhort ; whether 
 
 it
 
 N6. OLLAPODRIDA. 67 
 
 it was by chance, or whether it again prov- 
 ed, that a favourite has no friends, was not 
 for me to decide : a glafs of brandy was 
 called for, a common gill, enough to warm 
 a poor man in a^cold morning, was re- 
 jected, as inlufficient ; and nothing would 
 do but a tumbler full, to bathe PERO'S foot 
 in : it was afterwards rubbed with friar' I 
 balfam, bound up with rags, and com- 
 mitted to the care of Mrs. Betty, to travel 
 in the coach with her. I admire compaf- 
 fion wherever I fee it exerted through the 
 wide fphere of fenfitive life; but our re- 
 finement may be carried too far, and that 
 fympathizing attention which humanity 
 demands, be fquandered on the brute crea- 
 tion. I knew an old maiden lady, whofe 
 tears could tenderly flow at the relation of 
 the fufferings of a cat, but who did net ex- 
 hibit any active benevolence at the call of 
 the wants of her poor or fuftering neigh- 
 bours. Yet (he could readily excufe her- 
 felf by unremitting attention to her favou- 
 rite animals. Let them be provided for ac- 
 cording to their condition ; yet we muft 
 F * re-
 
 68* OLLA. PODRIDA. N 6. 
 
 remember that there are duties of huma- 
 nity belonging to a higher clafs ; and we 
 (hall find but fmall excufe in the judgment 
 of enlightened reaibn, if we urge our re - 
 o^ard to inferior obligations, while thofe of 
 a fuperior kind are nedted. 
 I am, Yodrs, &c. 
 
 VIATOR.
 
 t 69 ] 
 
 NUMBER VII. 
 
 SATURDAY, April 28, 1787. 
 
 Servatdfimper kge et ratlone loquendl. 
 
 JUVENAL. 
 
 H E different writers, who have ohlig- 
 ed the world with memoirs of Dr. 
 Johnfon, all agree to inform us, that he 
 efteemed converfation to he the comfort of 
 life. He himfelf, indeed, in. an Idler, has 
 not fcrupled to compare it to a bowl of that 
 liquor, which, under the direction of 
 Mr. Brydone, fo defervedly engaged the 
 attention of the Sicilian clergy ; and in the 
 competition of which, while the fpirit is 
 F 3 duly
 
 7 o OLLAPODRIDA. N> 7. 
 
 duly tempered by water, and the acid fuffi- 
 ciently corrected by fugar, the ingredients 
 wonderfully confpire to form the moft deli- 
 cious beverage known among mortals. 
 
 But whether it be that the requilir.es for 
 producing converfation, like thofe for mak- 
 ing punch, are not always to be had, or 
 are not good in their kind, or not properly 
 mixed, certain it is that in the former cafe, 
 as 'in the latter, the operation does not at 
 all times fucceed to the fatisfaction of the 
 company ; nothing being more common 
 than to hear perfons complaining, that af- 
 ter many hours pafTed in this way, they 
 have found neither improvement nor enter- 
 tainment. 
 
 Without fludy, or method, I mall fet 
 down fuch thoughts as may occur to my 
 /nind, on this moft interefting fubjeft. 
 
 That converfation may anfwer the ends 
 for which it was defigned, the parties, who 
 are to join in it, muft come together with 
 a determined refolution to pleafe, and to be 
 pleafed. If a man feels that an eaft wind 
 has rendered him dull and fulky, he mould 
 by all means flay at home till the wind 
 3 changes,
 
 N*7- OLLAPODRIDA. 71 
 
 changes, and not be troublefome to his 
 friends ; for dulnefs is infectious, and one 
 four face will make many, as one chearful 
 countenance is foon productive of others. 
 If two gentlemen defire to quarrel, it mould 
 not be done in a company, met to enjoy the 
 pleafures. of converfation. Let a ftage be 
 erected for the purpofe, in a proper place, 
 to which the jurifdidtion of the Middlefex 
 magiftrates doth not reach. There let 
 Martin and Mendoza mount, accompanied 
 by Ben and Johnfon, and attended by the 
 Amateurs, who delight to behold blows 
 neatly laid in, ribs and jaw-bones elegantly 
 broken, and eyes fealed up with delicacy 
 and addrefs. It is obvious, for thefe rea- 
 fons, that he, who is about to form a con- 
 verfation party, fhould be careful to invite 
 men of congenial minds, and of fimilar 
 ideas refpe&ing the entertainment of which 
 they are to partake, and to which they 
 muft contribute. 
 
 With gloomy perfons, gloomy topics 
 
 likewife mould be (as indeed they will be) 
 
 excluded, fuchas ill health, bad weather, bad 
 
 news, or forebodings of fuch, &c. &c. To 
 
 F 4 preferve
 
 7 2 OLLA PODRIDA. N 7. 
 
 preferve the temper calm and pleafant, it is 
 of unfpeakable importance, that we always 
 accuftom ourfelves through life to make 
 the bed of things, to view them on their 
 bright fide, and fo reprefent them to others, 
 for our mutual comfort and encouragement. 
 Few things (efpecially if, as Chriftians, 
 we take the other world into the account) 
 but have a bright fide : diligence and prac- 
 tice will eafily find it. Perhaps there is no 
 circurnftanc? better calculated than this, to 
 render converfation equally pleafing and 
 pro'fi table. 
 
 In the conducl of it, be not enger to in- 
 terrupt others, or uneaiy at being yourielf 
 interrupted ; fince you fpeak either to 
 amufe or inftruct the company, or to re- 
 ceive thofe benefits from it. Give all, 
 therefore, leave to fpeak in turn. Hear 
 with patience, and anfwer with precifion. 
 Inattention is ill manners : it fhews con- 
 tempt ; and contempt is never forgiven. 
 
 Trouble not the company with your 
 own private concerns, as you do not love 
 to be troubled with thofe of others. Yours 
 are as little to them, as theirs are to you. 
 You wjll need no other rule, whereby to 
 judge of this matter. Con-
 
 N7- OLLA PODRIDA. 73 
 
 Contrive, but with dexterity and pro- 
 priety, that each perfon may have an op^ 
 portunity of difcouriing on the fubjecl: with 
 which he is beft acquainted. He will be 
 pleafed, and you will be informed. By 
 obferving this rule, every one has it in his 
 power to aflift In rendering converfation 
 agreeable : fince, though he may not chufe, 
 or be qualified to fay much himfelf, he can 
 propofe queftions to thole who are able to 
 anfwer them. 
 
 Avoid {lories, unlefs fhort, pointed, and 
 quite a-propos. He who deals in them, 
 fays Swift, muft either have a very large 
 ftock, or a good memory, or mufr often 
 change his company. Some have a fet of 
 them ftrung together like onions : they 
 take poffeffion of the converfation, by an 
 early introduction of one ; and then you 
 muft have the whole rope, and there is an 
 end of every thing elfe, perhaps, for that 
 meeting, though you may have heard all 
 twenty times before. 
 
 Talk often, but not long. The talent of 
 haranguing in private company is infup- 
 portable. Senators and Barrifters are apt 
 
 to
 
 7 4 OLLAPODRIDA. N" 7, 
 
 to be guilty of this fault ; and Members, 
 who never harangue in the houfe, will of- 
 ten do it out of the houfe. If the majority 
 of the company be naturally filent, or cau- 
 tious, the converfation will flag, unlefs it 
 be often renewed by one among them, who 
 can ftart new fubje&s. Forbear, however, 
 if poffible, to broach a fecond, before the 
 firft is out, left your ftock mould not laft, 
 and you fhould be obliged to come back to 
 the old barrel. There are thofe who will 
 repeatedly crofs upon, and break into the 
 converfation, with a frefh topic, till they 
 have touched upon all, and exhaufted none. 
 Oeconomy here is neceffary for moft people. 
 
 Laugh not at your own wit and humour : 
 leave that to the company. 
 
 When the converfation is flowing in a 
 ferious and ufeful channel, never interrupt 
 k by an ill-timed jeft. The ftream is fcat- 
 tered, and cannot be again colle&ed. 
 
 Difcourfe not in a whifper, or half voice, 
 to your next neighbour. It is ill breeding, 
 and in fome degree a fraud ; converfation- 
 ftock being, as one has well obferved, a joint 
 and common property. 
 
 In
 
 N;. OLLA POD K IDA. 75 
 
 In reflections on abfent people, go no 
 ftrther than you would go, if they were 
 prefent. " I refolve," fays Bifhop Beve- 
 ridge, " never to fpeak of a man's virtues 
 ** before his face, nor of his faults behind his 
 " back ;" a golden rule ! the obfervation of 
 which would, at one ftroke, banifli flattery 
 and defamation from the earth. 
 
 Converfation is effected by circumftances, 
 which, at firft fight, may appear trifling, 
 but really are not fb. Some, who continue 
 dumb while feated, become at once loqua- 
 cious when they are (as the fenatorial phrafe 
 is) upon their legs. Others, whofe powers 
 languim in a clofe room, recover them- 
 felves on putting their heads into frefti air, 
 as a fhrovetide cock does when his head is 
 put into frefli earth. A turn or two in the 
 garden makes them good company. There 
 is a magic fometimes in a large circle, 
 which fafcinates thofe who compofe it into 
 filence; and nothing can be done, or, rather, 
 nothing can bey^/V, till the introduction of 
 a card-table breaks up the ipell, and relcafes 
 the valiant knights and fair damfels from 
 captivity. A table indeed^ of any kind, 
 
 con-
 
 76 OLLA PODRIDA. N 7. 
 
 confidered as a centre of union, is of emi- 
 nent fervice to converfation at all times ; 
 and never do we more fenfibly feel the 
 truth of that old philofophieal axiom, that 
 nature abhors a vacuum, than upon its re- 
 moval. I have been told, that even in the 
 blue-jlocking fociety, formed folely for the 
 purpofe of converfation, it was found, after 
 repeated trials, impoffible to get on, without 
 one card-table. In that fame venerable fo- 
 ciety, when the company is too widely ex- 
 tended to engage in the fame converfation, 
 a cuftom is faid to prevail and a very ex- 
 cellent one it is that every gentleman, 
 upon his entrance, felects his partner, as he 
 would do at a ball ; and when the conver- 
 fation-dance is gone down, the company 
 change partners, and begin afrefh. Whe- 
 ther thefe things be fo, or not, moft cer- 
 tain it is, that the lady or the gentleman 
 deferves well of the fociety, who can de- 
 vife any method, whereby fo valuable an 
 amufement can be heightened and improved. 
 
 Z. 
 
 2 NUM-
 
 [ 77 
 
 NUMBER VIIL 
 
 SATURDAY, May 5, 1787. 
 
 Cut dicasfape videto. 
 
 r 1 A HERE are many perfons in the 
 world, whofe wit and whofe judg- 
 ment, like two parallel lines, never meet ; 
 who are ftill neither deficient in wit, nor 
 deftitute of judgment. An improper ufe 
 of the former, or a temporary abfence of 
 the latter, ufually renders both ineffectual. 
 To what purpofe is judgment employed 
 in making proper obfervations, and form- 
 ing proper opinions ; or wit called forth to 
 illuftrate thofe obfervations, or difplay thofe 
 opinions in all the ornament of well-turned 
 
 language,
 
 7 8 OLLA PODRIDA. N 8. 
 
 language, or elegant allufion ; if they are, 
 perchance, exhibited before an audience, 
 prejudiced againft the fpeaker, unwilling to 
 attend to him, or incapable of underftanding 
 him r In fuch a cafe, the judgement muft 
 have been lulled to fleep, and the wit 
 thrown away. 
 
 To my reflections upon this fubject I 
 was led by a circumftance which not long 
 ago happened to myfelf. An ingenious 
 friend, with whom I was converting, ad- 
 drefled to me fome ftridtures upon a perio- 
 dical publication, which, he obferved, was 
 then carrying on in Oxford, called the Olla 
 Podrida. After expatiating for fome time 
 in general terms upon the fmall probability 
 of fuccefs attendant on fuch a plan, owing 
 to the political diftracYion of the nation, the 
 exhaufted ftate of materials neceflary for 
 fuch a work, and in fhort the general decay 
 of readers and writers ; he defcended to be 
 more particular in his criticifms; he could 
 not help obferving, that the characterise 
 of the firft number was an affectation of 
 modefty, and of the fecond an affectation of 
 learning. Why elfe, added he, was not 
 the full tranflation of each paffage in Ho- 
 
 juer
 
 N8. OLLA PODRIDA. 79 
 
 mer admitted from Mr. Pope r He then 
 concluded his critique with fome happy 
 farcafms upon Monlieur 1'Auteur, at which 
 he laughed violently, and I accompanied 
 him as well as I could. I avoided entering 
 into a minute defence of the gentleman at 
 whofe expence we had been fo agreeably 
 entertained, left I mould difcover myfelf to 
 be too much interefted in his behalf; but 
 was content to obferve, that it might be 
 more difficult to write an introdutory pa- 
 per than we were aware of, and, with re- 
 gard to the admiffion of Mr. Pope's tran- 
 flation of each paflage, that the paper ap- 
 peared fo full, as neceiTarily to exclude ei- 
 ther that or the original. 
 
 Befides, added he (recovering himfelf 
 from the convulfion of merriment, into 
 which his own friendly ideas had betrayed 
 him), upon fuch a fubjed as the Iliad or 
 Odyfley, who cares what the Adventurer 
 has faid, or what the Olla Podrida has to 
 fay ? Every body knows that each is a 
 model of different excellence, that the for- 
 mer is the work of genius in the full and 
 vigorous exertions of all its powers, and the 
 
 latter
 
 8o OLLA PODRIDA. N 8. 
 
 latter bears evident marks of the poet's hav- 
 ing arrived at a maturity of judgement, 
 though, at the fame time, he difcovers 
 the decay of age. I acquiefced more with 
 filence than fatis faction in what I heard my 
 friend advance. Had he known me for the 
 author, while his confcientious adherence 
 to truth might have extorted the fame opi- 
 nions from him, he would have been pre- 
 vented from 'triumphing in the infolence 
 of wit. This tribute he would have paid 
 to delicacy. When he reads the eighth 
 number of the Olla Podrida, he will pro- 
 bably agree in opinion with me, that thofe 
 thoughts have been conceived in an un- 
 lucky moment, which are exprefled in an 
 improper one. He will likewife be re- 
 minded, that people are inclined to enter- 
 tain little opinion of that judgment which 
 controverts their own ientiments, and lit- 
 tle relim for that wit by which themfelves 
 become ridiculous. 
 
 I (hall folace myfelf with the afturance 
 Mr. Addifon has given us, That there is, 
 and ever will be, juftice enough in the 
 world to afford patronage and protection 
 
 for
 
 N8. OLLA PODRfDA. 81 
 
 for thofe who endeavour to advance truth 
 and virtue, without any regard to the 
 paffions and prejudices of any particular 
 caufe and faction *." 
 
 But left I fhould feem to dwell too long 
 upon a fubject neither interefting nor en- 
 tertaining to my readers, I lhall fubjoin the 
 following letter : 
 
 <Td the COOK of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA, 
 
 Xanthe retro proper a. OVID. 
 
 Slr.TAR AT ALL A, or whatever your Name ;V, 
 
 THERE is at prefent, in this little 
 Hland of Great Britain, fo much hurry, 
 buftle, and confhfion, that nothing is in 
 its proper place. O'Kelly has been taken 
 in, the Bath butcher has been beaten, and 
 no progrefs is made toward finding out the 
 longitude. We are in the fame ftate in 
 which Rome was during the Catilinarian 
 
 * Spe&ator, No. 445. 
 
 G confpiracy;
 
 82 OLLAPODRIDA. N 8. 
 
 confpiracy ; no man knows upon whom he 
 may depend ; honeft men are afraid of each 
 .other ; and thieves are betrayed by their af- 
 fociates. The honourable fraternity of 
 Black-legs cannot follow their calling, be- 
 caufe the management of the Faro-table is 
 in the hands of nobility. The women of 
 fafhion are at my Lord Mayor's dinner ; 
 Royalty is gone to a Barnet Boxing- match ; 
 and the Parfon of the parifh lives an hun- 
 dred miles from his flock, becaufe his pre- 
 ferment is a finecure. 
 
 Not three days ago, I met my fhoe-ma- 
 ker airing himfelf and his houfliold, be- 
 tween Hampftead and Kentim town, in a 
 jobb-coach, all duft, and fweat, and belly. 
 The gentility of this notable tradefmau's 
 equipage induced me to make fome enquiry 
 into the ftate of his bufinefs and circum- 
 ftances. He was candid enough to inform 
 me (for that was his phrafe, " I will 
 candidly inform you"), that conftant at- 
 tentidn for years to his fhop had enabled 
 him to go thus a pleafure'mg every Saturday. 
 And, thank God, he had been able to edu- 
 cate his family genteelly ; two daughters 
 
 were
 
 N8. OLLAPODRIDA. 83 
 
 were then at the boarding fchool at Old 
 Brentford, and two fons at the Latin col- 
 lege at Knightibridge. This honourable 
 fhoe-maker's trade, being left to his journey- 
 men, is, like the Parfon's, a iinecure; 
 And he would willingly, no doubt, take 
 the hopes of his family from the college, if 
 he could be fo fortunate as to procure him 
 a (inecure place in the cufloms ; nor would 
 it be improper, or unentertaining, to ice 
 Mrs. Lair, accommodated with the Ranger- 
 fhip of iome forefr. ; a genteel iinecure, like 
 religion, charity, matrimony, honefly, 
 and benevolence, which are become all, all 
 finecures ! 
 
 Mr. Laft, and his family, are neither 
 particular in the end they have in vie\v, 
 nor in the means they ufe to acquire that 
 end. Yet let them remember, that though 
 the trouble of their (hop may be carried on 
 by proxy, and their bufinefs by thofe 
 means become a fmecure, they will find 
 ruin not to be the finecure they willingly 
 aim at, and that they cannot die by proxy ; 
 the former of which muft as inevitably 
 
 G 2 b3
 
 84 O L L A P O D R I D A. N 8. 
 
 be the portion of the tradefman above 
 his bufmefs,. as the latter mud of all man- 
 kind. 
 
 The prevalent fafhton feems to be, for 
 every one to mine confpicuoufly, where no 
 one expects to fee him. If this total de- 
 rangement of the order of things continues 
 to fpread through all ranks of people, we 
 ihall perhaps fee the fpirit of the Chevalier 
 D'Eon, or the Bruifer Ben, diffufed among 
 our fair countrywomen, or the Bench of 
 Bimops huzzaing a ham-flrung Ox from 
 Cripple- gate to Fleet- market. 
 
 If you call at your coachmaker's in a 
 morning, he is trying a pair of horfes for 
 his own chariot ; if in an evening, you 
 cannot fee him, for he is at the Opera : 
 your hair-dreffer refufes to (have you for 
 he is a ploco cofmift, and not a barber : the 
 barber feuds his boy to do it, obliged him* 
 felf to attend one of the company's clinners. 
 A waiter will not buckle on year fpurs, 
 becaufe it is the office of Mr. Boots, who 
 calls his deputy ; and your gentleman's 
 gentleman, inftead of pimping for his maf- 
 ter,. is intrigueing. for himfelf. If we go 
 
 on
 
 N8. OLLAPODRIDA. 85 
 
 on at this rate, who the Devil is to do the 
 bufinefs of world r Who will cry the peas 
 and beans about the ftreets this fpring ? 
 Who will fell oranges at the Abbey ? Who 
 wiiifweep the flage, (huff the candles, mifc 
 the fcenes, make thunder and lightning, 
 play Scrub, or dance a hornpipe ? Ail 
 which things are fo neceffary to the welfare 
 of mankind, that without them life is a 
 joke, and this world a vale of tears. 
 
 Ten years hence, I (hall not 'be furpriz- 
 ed to find this nation fo thoroughly pofleiT- 
 ed 'by the refolution to be all Gentlemen, 
 that Houfe-breakers will be pardoned at the. 
 gallows, upon condition of their fubmitting 
 to become Pedlars, Brewers, Conveyancers, 
 or Lord Chief Juftices, for the reft of their 
 lives : while the man, who is to be tranf- 
 ported, may perhaps be tempted to ex- 
 change his infamy for the drudgery of a 
 foreign Bifhopric. Many an induftrious 
 Hanclicraftfman, who has been condemn- 
 ed to the floating Academy at Woolwich for 
 life, will be difmiiTed on pain of fitting; 
 nine years at the Helm of Great Britain, 
 giving proper fecurity for his good beha- 
 G 2 viour.
 
 86 OLLAPODRIDA. N 8. 
 
 viour. Nor will the place of Mafter of 
 the Ceremonies at Court be unprofitably 
 filled by fome well-bred Lawyer from the 
 pillory. 
 
 Of trade and piofeffion we fhall be thus 
 radically cured. No man can then call 
 
 j 
 
 another Apothecary ! No Common-coun- 
 cil- man's heart will burft with fpleen at 
 the grandeur of a Lord Mayor's Shew. No 
 Wine-merchant need be at the trouble of 
 committing adultery with a cargo from 
 Portugal. No Epitaph-writers will be con- 
 firained to pun on the death of the Cobler. 
 No Taylor will be troubled to turn the 
 Author's Breeches. Veniet felicius aevum, 
 the happier day will come when we mall be 
 all on a level ; every Man his own Coach- 
 man, hk own Tobacconift, his own Gentle- 
 man,' his own Man-midwife, and, as I 
 know who would fay, his own Warner- 
 woman. 
 
 I am, Mr. TARATALLA, yours, &c. 
 
 SNUB. 
 
 DUMBER
 
 [ 8; 
 
 NUMBER IX. 
 
 SATURDAY, May 12, 1787. 
 
 Mane falutantum totls vomit adibus undam. 
 
 VIRGIL. 
 
 AMONG the grievances of modern 
 days, much complained of, but with 
 little hope of redrefs, is the matter of re- 
 ceiving and paying Vifits, the number of 
 which, it is generally agreed, " has been 
 increafing, is increafed, and ought to be 
 dimimihed." You meet frequently with 
 people, who will tell you, they are worn 
 to death by viiiting ; and that what with 
 morning vifits, and afternoon viiits, dining 
 
 G 4 vifits,
 
 88 OLLA PODRIDA. N 9. 
 
 vifits, and flipping vifits, tea-drinking'vifits, 
 and card-playing vifits, exclufive , of balls 
 and concerts, for their parts, they have not 
 an hour to themfelves in the four and 
 twenty. But they muft go home and drefs, 
 or they mail be too late for their vifit. 
 
 Nor is this complaint by any means pe- 
 culiar to the times in which we have the 
 honour to live. Cowley was out of all pa- 
 tience on the fubject above an hundred 
 years ago. ' If we engage, fays he, in a 
 " large acquaintance, and various familiari- 
 " ties, we fet open our gates to the invaders 
 " of mofr of our time : we expofe our life 
 " to a quotidian ague i frigid impertinences , 
 " which would make a wife man tremble 
 " to think of.',' 
 
 But as Cowley was apt to be a little out 
 of humour between whiles, let us hear the 
 honourable, pious, and fweet-tempered Mr. 
 Boyle, who-, among the troubles of life, 
 enumerares as one " the bufmefs of receiv- 
 ** ing fenfelefs vifits, whofe continuance, if 
 " otherwife unavoidable, is capable, in my 
 " opinion, to jullify the retirednefs of a
 
 N'9- OLLA PODRIDA. 89 
 
 Bifhop Jeremy Taylor is clear, that "men 
 ** will find it impoffible to do any thing 
 ". greatly good, unlefs they cut off all fu- 
 " perfluous company, and vifits." 
 
 If we confult the ladies (as indeed we 
 ought to do upon all occafions), we find it 
 recorded by Ballardof the very learned and 
 excellent Mrs. Aftell, that " \vhen Ihe 
 ** faw needlefs vifitors coming, whom fhe 
 " knew to be incapable of converfing on 
 " any ufeful fubjeft, but coming merely 
 " for the fake of chat and tattle, (he would 
 *' look out of the window, and jeftingly 
 " tell them (as Cato did Nafica), Mrs. Aftell 
 *' is not at borne ; and in good earned kept 
 " them out, not fuffering fuch triflers to 
 *' make inroads upon her more ferious 
 " hours." 
 
 And now what mall we fay to thefe 
 things ? For, after all, nothing can be 
 more certain, than, whatever learned or 
 unlearned folk may pretend to the contra- 
 ry, vilit we muft, or the world will be at an 
 end ; we may as well go fupercargoes to 
 Pot any -bay at once. 
 
 i Diftin&ion 
 
 i
 
 90 OLLA PODRIDA. N 9. 
 
 Diftin&ion is the parent of perfpicuity. 
 Suppofe, therefore, we take in order the 
 different forts of vifits above-mentioned, 
 and confider them (as a worthy and valua- 
 ble author phrafes it) " with their roots* 
 reafons, and relpe&s." 
 
 And firft of the firft, namely, morning 
 viiits It is evident, that, as things are now 
 regulated amongft us, all vifits of bufinefs 
 muft be made at this feafon ; for we dine 
 late for this very purpofe ; and no Gentle- 
 man does any thing after dinner, but 
 drink. In the days of our forefathers^ under 
 Elizabeth, and her fucceiTor James, it was 
 otherwife ; for Bifhop Andrews, we are 
 told, entertained hopes of a perfon who 
 had been guilty of many faults and follies, 
 till, one day, the young man happened un- 
 fortunately to call in a morning. Then the 
 good bimop gave him up. 
 
 Mrs. Aftcll herfelf would not have dif- 
 dained to take her mare in a little chat and 
 tattle ^ over the tea-table. They may be 
 flyled correlatives, and go together as natu- 
 rally as ham and chickens. 
 
 If 
 
 '" . 1
 
 N9? OLLAPODRIDA. 91 
 
 If it be afked, what number of friends it 
 }s expedient to collect, in order to make a 
 vifit comfortable, I muft confefs myfelf 
 unable to anfwer the queftion, fo diverfe 
 are the opinions andcuftoms that have pre- 
 vailed in different ages and countries. 
 Among ourfelves, at prefent, if one were, 
 to lay down a general rule, it mould be 
 done, perhaps, in thefe words, 'The more 9 
 the merrier. 
 
 Some years ago, thefe multitudinous 
 meetings were known by the various names 
 of aflemblies, routs, drums, tempefts, hur- 
 ricanes, and earthquakes. If you made a 
 . morning vifit to a lady, fhe would tell you 
 very gravely, what a divine rout, a fweet 
 hurricane, or a charming earthquake, fhe 
 ha'd been at, the night defore. 
 
 To have difcufled all thefe fubdivifions 
 of vifits, and diftinguimed properly the 
 nature of each, as confidered in itfelf, 
 would have been an arduous tafk, from 
 which I find myielf happily relieved by the 
 modern very judicious adoption of the term 
 PARTY, which is w r hat the logicians ftyle 
 an univerfal, and includes every thing of 
 the kind. A com-
 
 9* O L L A P O D R I D A. N~ g, 
 
 A company of twelve at dinner, with a 
 reinforcement of eighteen at tea and cards, 
 may, I believe, be called a J'mall party, 
 which a lady may attend, without any af- 
 fiftance from the hair-drefTer. 
 
 There is one maxim never to be de- 
 parted from ; namely, that the fmallnefis 
 of the 'houfe is no objection to the largenefs 
 of the party. The reafon is, that, as thefe 
 meetings are chiefly holden in the winter, 
 the company may keep one another warm. 
 
 But this will not in every inftance be the 
 cafe, after all the care and pains upon 
 earth. For, when the other apartments 
 were full, I have known four perfons (hut 
 into a clofet at'Chriftmas, without fire or 
 candle, playing a rubber by the light of a 
 fepulchral lamp, fufpended from the ciel- 
 
 ing. 
 
 At another time, the butler, opening a 
 cupboard, to take out the apparatus for the 
 lemonade, with the nice decanters, to 
 prevent mifchief, in cafe of weak ftomachs, 
 found two little mifles, whom the lady of 
 the houfe, ever anxious to promote the hap- 
 
 pinefs
 
 N9- OLLA PODR'IDA. 93 
 
 pinefs of all her friends, had fqueezed and 
 pinioned in there, to form a fnug party at 
 cribbage. 
 
 An accident happened, laft winter, at 
 one of thefe amicable affociations, from 
 a contrary caufe, where the fluids in 
 the human frame had fuffered too great 
 a degree of rarefaction. A gentleman, 
 making a precipitate retreat, on finding 
 himfelf inflated, like a balloon, with a 
 large dofe of ga3, or burnt air in him, 
 tumbled over a card-table, which (that no 
 room might be loft) had been fet upon a 
 landing place of the ftairs. The party , with, 
 all the implements of trade, table, cards, 
 candles, and counters, and the unfortunate 
 perfon who had brought on the cataftrophe, 
 rolled down together. No farther mifchief, 
 however, was done ; and two gentlemen 
 of the party, as I have been well informed, 
 found time to make a bet on the add trick^ 
 before they got to the bottom. 
 
 But thefe are trifling circumftances, and 
 no more than may be expected to fall to 
 the lot of humanity. I do not mention 
 them, I am fure, as conflicting any objec- 
 tion
 
 94 OLLAPODRIDA. N 9 . 
 
 tion to a PARTY, or as affording any reafou 
 why one mould deprive one's felf of the 
 pleafure one always has m feeing ones friends 
 about cne. Z. 
 
 After the remarks of my kind and inge- 
 nious correfpondent Z, the lucubrations of 
 Mr. Taratalla will, I fear, afford little en- 
 tertainment ; however, 
 
 Edita ne brevibus pereat mea cbarta Hbellis, 
 Dicatur potius ?ov tyowupe&opsyor. 
 
 MARTIAL. 
 
 Rather than leave my page half-filled, I'd 
 
 fcrawl, 
 <e A Cobler their was, and he liv'd in his 
 
 ftall." 
 
 ALL periodical writers are, by their pro- 
 feflion and place, cenfors of the public 
 manners ; and, that their office may be 
 difcharged with fidelity and Ikill, they 
 ihould pofiefs a certain degree of that virtu 
 and connoiifu remip which pervades all things 
 from the tying of a cravat to the demon- 
 ftration of the pons afimnus. They claim 
 4 a right
 
 N9- OLLA PODRIDA. 95 
 
 a right to be believed in every thing 
 they may advance ; to be admired for 
 that ingenuity which they undoubtedly 
 pofiefs ; and to be patronized and encou- 
 raged by the difcerning many. Should 
 they fometimes relate. adventures they may 
 have met with in a ftage-coach, in the 
 lobby of a play-houie, or among the trifiers 
 of the drawing room, their readers are 
 bound in honour to believe that they have 
 
 * 
 
 not all their life long been actuated by that 
 high-minded Ipirit which ufually excites 
 authors to mount the top of a coach, to 
 foar into the twelve-penny gallery, and to 
 leave the fplendour of the drawing room to 
 *' low ambition, and the pride of kings." 
 
 Unfortunately for myfelf, and my read- 
 ers, I do not unite in my own perfou all 
 thofe qualifications whicii (hould adorn a 
 profefibr of painting, dancing, mufick, elec- 
 tricity, horfemanihip, and half a fcore 
 more things of the fame nature, all of 
 which, in the courfe .of my bunefs, I 
 fhall be expected to deal out to niy c.uflo- 
 mers. In order to fupply thofe deficiencies 
 in myfelf, which 1 lincerely lament, 1 have 
 
 fettled
 
 96 OLLA PODRID'A. N^ 
 
 fettled a regular correfpondence with forme 
 
 honeft gentlemen of the quill, of great 
 
 credit and great ftock in trade, from whofe 
 
 kind afiiftance I hope to give univerfai fa- 
 
 tisfaction. When I firft hinted my pro- 
 
 pofal to the literati, mentioning the terms 
 
 . upon which I purpofed employing any two 
 
 . or three hands, who might be out of work, 
 
 . I recieved, among others, the following 
 
 anfwer to my advertifement. 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 SIR, I am an excellent fcholar, 
 a man of great abilities, extenfr/e know- 
 ledge, and of infinite wit and humour. I 
 have written twelve effays, which will do 
 very great honour to, and very much en- 
 creafe the reputation of your work; all 
 which I will let you have for half a Giii- 
 " nea, and will throw you half a fcore epi- 
 grams into the bargain. I would have 
 waited upon you myfelf with them ; but, 
 Sir, my {hirt is walking, and my coat is 
 gone to be mended. 
 I am Sir, 
 
 your moft obedient humble fervanf, 
 
 JOHN SCRIBE. 
 Ibaf*
 
 N9- OLLA PODRIDA. 97 
 
 / hajlened to Mr. Scribe s Lodgings, at 
 Paddington. 1 fhall not here give a very 
 minute defcription of the different modes 
 of falutation with which two authors 
 come together, left feme of my readers, 
 who are difpofed to turn the graved: things 
 into ridicule, mould bs inclined to 
 laugh, particularly as my friend before ob- 
 fervcd, that his fhirt was with his laundrefs, 
 and his coat with the taylor. Suffice it 
 therefore to fay, that, after a mutual inter- 
 change of compliments, he celebrating my 
 liberality, and I his talents, we proceeded 
 to difcufs the bufinefs which had occafioned 
 our meeting. The engagement entered 
 into between us was foon concluded upon, 
 and produced a confidential intimacy, which 
 excited Mr. Scribe to favour me with fotne 
 iniight into his own character, opinions, 
 and adventures. But as in the ardour of a 
 new-formed friendfhip I promifed to give 
 his compleat life to the world, in two vo- 
 lums octavo, price fourteen (hillings, to be 
 fold by all the bookfellers in town and 
 country, 1 will not anticipate the pleafure 
 my readers will have in the perufal of my 
 H work.
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. ft 9.- 
 
 tvork, by mutilated and imperfect fketches 
 of that hiftory, which will foon be pre- 
 fented to them whole and uncorrupt. 
 
 Upon taking leave of my Paddingtoii 
 friend, as he followed me down flairs, he 
 very obligingly offered his afliftance in the 
 framing of any advertifements which might 
 be neceflary or conducive to the fale of my 
 work. He then (hewed me, as fpecimens 
 of his talents in this fpecies of Writing, an 
 efiay on leather breeches, made upon ma- 
 thematical principles, and a recommenda- 
 tion of the concave razon Thefe, he ob- 
 ferved, were works of a lighter kind, and 
 fuch as he called e^ea 'sroiKiXx, or the amufe- 
 tnents of Paddlngton. I thanked him, but 
 declined the acceptance of his offer. 
 
 Upon my return home, I found thfee or 
 four vifitants had called upon bufinefs fimi- 
 lar to Mr. Scribe's. Amongft whom an 
 Hibernian flay- maker, from the Borough, 
 wifhed to enlift in my fervice, and in tef- 
 timony of his abilities had left a parcel of 
 dreams of his owii compofing, which are 
 ufhered in by complaints of his inability 
 to fleep. A French Marquis, to wham 
 
 the
 
 N9> OLLA PODRIDA. 99 
 
 the air of Great Britian had been recom- 
 mended by his phyficians, left word, that, 
 having nothing elfe to do, he had conde- 
 fcended, during his refidence in this ifland 
 purely from his penchant for the fcience, 
 and pour f offer k temps, to inftruft the 
 noblefle in dancing. This courfe of life, 
 he very properly obferved, gave hirn many 
 opportunities of furniming me with intelli- 
 gence from the beau monde, and accord- 
 ingly my readers will frequently^ how) 
 things go on from the authentic information 
 bf the Marquis. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER X. 
 
 SATURDAY, May 19, 1787. 
 
 rivitefelices, quibus ejlfirtuna perafta 
 lanifua . VIRGIL. 
 
 IN expatiating upon the tranfient brevity 
 of all iublunary happinefs, moralifts of 
 every age and climate have (hewn them- 
 felves deiirous of indulging in the flights of 
 their imaginations* Human life has been 
 feverally compared to a race, to the gliding 
 courfe of a river, to a moveable proceffion, 
 and to many other fleeting appearances, of 
 which each part exifts by the ceffation or 
 non-commencement of exiftence in the reft. 
 
 It
 
 Nio. OLLA PODRIDA. 101 
 
 It is upon the fame principles that, byphi- 
 lofophers of more nbftrufe {peculation, time 
 from its fuccefiive continuity has been cle- 
 mouitrated never to be prefent. To make 
 the proper ufe then of thefe demon (Irations, 
 one might eafily prove the abfurdity of re- 
 pofing our happinefs upon prefent time 
 which has been allowed to have no exif- 
 tence, and of attempting to build a real fu- 
 perftruclure upon the imaginary bafis a 
 non entity. But if our felicity cannot ori- 
 ginate from fenfation or the enjoyment of 
 the prefent moment, it muft of courfe be 
 derived either from ^Jpecyfative anticipation 
 of futurity, or a Joothing remembrance of 
 plea fur es already enjoyed. To con t raft then 
 thefe two original fources, (hall be the fub- 
 jecl of the following paper, that we may be 
 enabled to difcriminate \vhich of the two is 
 more defirable, from the permanency of 
 thofe pleafures it beftows, and their inde- 
 pendency of external fupport. 
 
 In the contemplation of future life, our 
 
 thoughts muft of neceffity be agitated by 
 
 the mod powerful pafiions inherent in our 
 
 H 3 frame.
 
 QLLAPODRIDA. N iq. 
 
 frame. Hope and Fear, which have aU 
 ways been found" to have moft influence, 
 upon human actions, are the pailions which 
 give a tincture of themfelves to all our 
 views, whilft we look forward into futu- 
 rity. If the profped before us appear chear- 
 ful and ferene, Hope communicates to us a 
 pleafure as lively in the view of it, as Sen- 
 fation could in the enjoyment ; and though 
 a difappointment of our expectations may 
 deprive us of this imaginary blifs, and con- 
 vince us of the error which we have been 
 cheriming in our bofoms ; yet it is that 
 kind of error (mentis gratifpmus) from 
 which it gives us real pain to be feparated. 
 On the contrary, whatever good fortune 
 may await us, if we have no reafon to 
 flatter ourfelves with the expectation of 
 it ; if, as far as human eye can penetrate, 
 the profpecl before us appear a dark and 
 dreary wafte, the fear of incumbent mif- 
 fortunes renders our fufferings more pain- 
 ful, than if we actually, laboured under 
 the evils which we only apprehend, and 
 finks- us in all 'the * 4 mifery of fancied
 
 N io. OLLA PODRIDA. 103 
 
 We fee then, that in the anticipation of 
 life we frequently mal^e ourfelves miferahle 
 by the apprehenfion of evils which we never 
 experience; and that the pleafures which 
 are derived from Hope, though acute and 
 brilliant, are neither permanent, nor inde- 
 pendent of external fupport. Their dura- 
 tion, indeed, nnift Jpevitably.be deftroyed 
 by the revolution of Time, which brings 
 with it the object that w.e have in view ; 
 and if our hopes then prove ?o have been 
 ill grounded, the chagrin of fruftnated ex- 
 pectations is a confequence tqo obvious to 
 need being mentioned ; but if we are even 
 fortunate enough to meet with a full com- 
 pletion of our wifhes, it dpes not equally 
 follow, thaj: we fjipuld enjoy the happinefs 
 propofed : perhaps after all we fliali find a 
 kind of difappojntment even in the gratifi- . 
 cation of our defires, for appearances of 
 Happinefs fill the eye with fancied gran- 
 deur at a diftance, but, contrary to Other 
 objels of light, gradually diminish upon 
 the nearnefs of our approach. ]3ut the 
 Idea of felicity being derived from Hope, 
 will appear {till-more. groundlefs if we con- 
 H
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. N 10. 
 
 fider the uncertainty which muft neceffarily 
 attend it. When we rely upon events 
 which are yet to come, we iubmit ourfelves 
 to the direction of an arbitrary and ca- 
 pricious Fortune ; and fhall, perhaps, to 
 our misfortune experience, that the beft 
 concerted fchemes, and moft probable ex- 
 pectations, are eafily fruftrated by innumera- 
 ble cafualties, which it is not in our power 
 to forefee, nor, if we forefee, to prevent. It 
 is not, however, requillte to enlarge upon 
 that mofc trite of all topics, the inftability 
 of human events; enough, I think, has 
 been laid to prove, that whatever blifs we 
 may propofe to ouifelves in contemplating 
 the bright appearances of our future life, 
 and " in Fancy fwallowing up the fpace 
 between," it cannot poflibly be either per- 
 manent or fe:lf- derived ; which qualities, 
 though they be not of themfelves able to 
 form a compleat fyftem of Happinefs, are 
 yet fo far neceffary, as to render any fyftem 
 incompleat which is without them. 
 
 I fhall now take a view of thofe pleafures 
 
 which arife from a retrofpect ofourpaft 
 
 lives, and endeavour fo to contraft them 
 
 4 with
 
 N ic; OLLA PODRIDA. 105 
 
 with thofe already confidence!, as may make 
 them appear with additional Beauty from 
 the companion. 
 
 It muft, however, be allowed that, fitua- 
 ted as we are in this world, fubfervient to 
 the fmiles and frowns of Fortune, a ferene 
 tranquillity is the higheft happinefs we have 
 reafon to expect, and that that fubtle plea- 
 fure, which is purfued with fo much avi- 
 dity by the gay and the diffipated, is a 
 mere Phantom, without any other exif- 
 tence than in the imaginations of its eager 
 votaries. Hence the pleafures which origi- 
 nate from a cool and difpaffionate ufe of 
 our reafon, muft be more fatisfactory than 
 thofe which we derive from the violent 
 emotions of our moft forcible Pallions. But 
 in no exercife can we employ our reafon- 
 ing faculty to greater advantage, than when 
 we conjecture with fuperior certainty upon 
 future events, by well confidering and 
 reflecting upon thofe which we have alrea- 
 dy experienced. 
 
 We have before feen that, in our views of 
 futurity, we are liable to be made mifera- 
 ble by the dread of bad fortune, as well 
 
 as
 
 166 OLLAPODRIDA. N fl 10, 
 
 as happy by the fanguine pre-occupation of 
 good -Here then the pleafures of reflexion 
 evidently prove themfelves fuperior ; for 
 the review of paft happiriefs does not con- 
 vey to us any higher fatisfaclion, than the 
 remembrance of difficulties which we have 
 furmounted. It is here at laft, that, free4 
 from the (hackles of Fortune, and every 
 other external power, which may have be- 
 fore entangled us, we make all pur happi- 
 nefs centre within ourfelves ; and, like 
 the induftrious Bees that produce honey as 
 well out of bitter Herbs as fweet, even out 
 of the evils of life \ve extract the choiceil: 
 and moil refined blifs. Indeed, in the 
 midft of our misfortunes we may be con- 
 foled by the confideration of being at fome 
 future period entertained with the thoughts 
 of what now gives us pain ; as ./Eneas is 
 reprefen^ed fupporting his dejected compa- 
 nions by a fimilar contolation : 
 
 For fan et h#c ollm meminiffe juvabit. VIRG. 
 
 And as this Blifs is felf-derived and in- 
 dependent of any thing external, fo is it alfp 
 durable : for, as it is drawn from thofe 
 
 tranf-
 
 N 9 io. OLLA PODRIDA. 107 
 
 tranfadlions which we are confcious have 
 already taken place, it is evident that no- 
 thing can put a period to its exiftence but 
 the annihilation of that confcioufnefs and 
 faculty of remembering whence it was 
 originally derived. From this considera- 
 tion, it is plain, that a life of activity and 
 exertion is fo much the more preferable to 
 a life of indolence and repofe, as it affords 
 more room for the exercife of this faculty. 
 Our happinefs, we have before feen, arifes 
 from the recollection of paft pleafures, pro- 
 portionably chequered with the remem- 
 brance of hardships which we have fur- 
 mounted. Now the engagements of So- 
 ciety fo interfperfe an active life with the 
 anxious viciffitudes of Hope and Fear, that 
 we muft unavoidably meet with many 
 difficulties unknown in the ftill path of 
 Retirement, which, though difagreeable 
 when encountered, neverthelefs convey a 
 fecret fatisfaction to the mind in reflecting 
 on them when fubdued. The man, in- 
 deed, who fecludes himfelf from the cares 
 of the world, remains at the fame time 
 unroufed by the pleafing emotions which 
 
 others
 
 io8 OLLAPODRIDA. N 10. 
 
 others enjoy ; and in the decline of age 
 will look back upon the continued famenefs 
 of his paft life with a liftlefs indifference ; 
 for if in the funfhine of youth his happinefs 
 glow with a warmth fcarcely vital, how 
 can the remembrance of it as faintly re- 
 fle&ed by a lukewarm imagination cheer 
 his drooping fpirits in the winter of old 
 age ? In oppofition to this languor of a life 
 worn out in inaction, it may, perhaps, be 
 needlefs to inftance with what lively fpirits 
 the aged votaries of ambition or wealth 
 indulge themfelves in eafe after the toils 
 of a long and laborious purfuit after their 
 refpeclive objects ; with what plealure the 
 Soldier dwells upon the narrative of his 
 honourable though dangerous exploits ; how 
 the Sailor rejoices whilft he recounts the 
 rocks and tempefts which he has fo peri- 
 loufly furmounted. 
 
 Gattdcnt nt vcrti.ce rafo 
 
 Garrula fecuri narrare fericula nauta. 
 
 Juv. 
 
 But as all human happinefs muft inevi- 
 tably be alloyed by fome mixture of evil, 
 and as the above view of the pleafure of 
 
 re flee-
 
 N'IO. OLLAPODRIDA, 109 
 
 reflection may feem to imply a fpecies of 
 happinefs more perfect than is confident 
 with our prefent ftate, after having feeu 
 the joys which attend it, let us now ex- 
 amine into its concomitant evils ; let us 
 confider whether the debauchee, when the 
 decay of his faculties prompts him to in- 
 dulge in an indolent repofe, looks back 
 with folid fatisfaCtion upon thofe viciffi- 
 tudes of Pleafure and Pain, the former o 
 which he is confcious of having purchafed 
 at the expence of his innocence, the latter 
 of having merited by his guilt; whether* 
 the remorfe, arifingfrom a confcioufnefs of 
 having violated every principle of juftice 
 and generofity, be compen fated to the Mi- 
 fer, by confidering with what labour he 
 has amafled his accumulated hoards : and, 
 if upon this enquiry we find that the review 
 of his paft conduct ferves rather to encreafe 
 than to alleviate his prefent pains, we fhall 
 be led to infer, that the teftimony of a good 
 Confcience is another requifite towards 
 compleating that happinefs which we have 
 in view. He, who by his worldly wifdom 
 is enabled to withftand the moft violent 
 
 attacks
 
 iio OLLA PODRIDA. N id; 
 
 attacks of fortune, if he poffefs not this 
 chearful companion within his breaft, will 
 ftill be a ftranger to any true peace or com- 
 fort -, he will'view even the fmiles of Prof- 
 perity without fatisfaction, and, finding 
 nought but a turbulent confufion in his 
 own bofom, will mrink back with horror 
 from himfelf.-^-It appears then, that though 
 many accidental circumftances may contri- 
 bute to heighten the beauties of this review, 
 the effential requifite is a mind confcious of 
 unerring rectitude ; and, as this is entirely- 
 dependent upon ourielves, that we have it 
 in our power, by our own conduct, to pro- 
 vide for the decline of age, when our natu- 
 ral infirmities require an additional confola- 
 tioir? a never-failing fource of true and 
 placid enjoyment. 
 
 I have feen it fomewhere recommended^ 
 that, in order to enjoy the pleafures of the 
 imagination in our nightly dreams, we 
 ihould be able to reft upon our pillow, and 
 reflect coolly upon the tranfactions of the - 
 preceding day : In the fame manner I mould 
 recommend it to every one fo to regulate 
 his conduct through the active fcenes of 
 
 focial
 
 Nio. OLLAPODRIDA. in 
 
 focial life, that he may lie down in the 
 evening of old Age, and review them with 
 unruffled fatisfaction : and, as we have ob- 
 ferved that the happinefs derived from 
 Hope, though inferior to that of Refle&ion, 
 is not however trivial, I would alfo recom- 
 mend him fo to extraft and mingle the joys 
 of each, as to make the footling remembrance 
 of pajl p/eafures, a folid foundation for a 
 fpeculatlve anticipation of thofe to come. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XL 
 
 SATURDAY, May 2 6th, 1787, 
 
 - Smiles from reafonjlow, to Brutes deny'd* 
 
 MILTON. 
 
 IT has been the bufinefs of philofophers 
 in all ages to invent an appofite and 
 ch arable riftic term by which Man may be 
 diftinguifhed from the brute creation in his 
 exclufive right to fome peculiar faculty. 
 The deep penetration and vigorous re- 
 fearches of an illuftrious Heathen have en- 
 abled him to inform us, that man is an 
 a nima I bipes implume , a two-legged animal 
 
 without
 
 NII. OLLA PODRIDA. 113 
 
 without feathers. And Philofophers of 
 later ages have difcovered, that he is a 
 laughing animal, a rational animal, a tool- 
 making animal, a cooking animal. 
 
 It is my prefent intention to confider 
 him as the laughing animal ; and that fa- 
 culty, though it fhould refolve itielf into 
 as many fubdivifions as a lecture upon 
 heads, or branch forth into ramifications 
 like a Welfh pedigree, I mall purfue thro' 
 all its degrees, from the rifus fardonicus of 
 the ancients, to the 'Tee Hee of the modern 
 drawing-room. \, 
 
 When I innft upon the gravity of the 
 fubjedt I am about to handle, left I fhould 
 be accufed of extravagance of opinion, J 
 fhall endeavour to fhew by a brief narrative 
 of facts, that the coniequences which flow 
 from the ufe and abufe of this^our diflin- 
 guiming faculty are of the moft feriou's 
 nature. I have feen a whole battalion of 
 militia men, as valorous and as red-coated 
 as a regiment of guards, difconcerted and 
 put into confufion in the midft of their 
 maneuvering and tobacco- chewing, from 
 the broad-fhouldered ferjeant of the grena- 
 dier
 
 H4 OLLA PODRIDA. N*ii. 
 
 dier company to the duck-legged corporal 
 of recruits, by the horfe-laugh of a bye- 
 flander. I was once prefent (credite dicen- 
 tl) in the pit at the Opera, during the re- 
 prefentation of Macbeth-^-On fny right 
 hand fat an unthinking Englishman, who, 
 forgetful that he was a fpeclator of a ferious 
 performance, burft into a horfe-laugh, juft 
 at the very time when Lady Macbeth and 
 her caro fpofo were conjuring up all the 
 horror that heads and heels were capable of 
 exciting. Her Ladyfhip, confcious that 
 fhe brandimed her dagger in tune, and that 
 fhe rubbed off the " damn'd fpot" from 
 her hand mod harmonioufly, without ex- 
 hibiting to the audience any of that difagree- 
 abilita of countenance for which Mrs. Sid- 
 dons has been condemned, was very highly 
 as well as very JLiftly enraged. The cur- 
 tain fell, and the Signora declared fh 
 would never appear again before an EngliHy 
 audience. In vain- did the diftrefled ma- 
 nager reprefent to her, that the tafte, the 
 judgement, the every thing of this unhap- 
 py nation, were infinitely beneath her no- 
 tice ; heaping at the fame time upon poor 
 
 John
 
 Nii. OLLA PODRIDA. 115 
 
 John Bull a profufion of epithets, all end- 
 ing in ijfimo. In vain was he preffing in 
 his folicitations, that me mould give them, 
 at leafr., one more trial ; me ftill periifted 
 in her cruel threats, that me would leave 
 them, and return to her own country. At 
 laft, however* the kind interference of a 
 noble frequenter of the Opera- houfe pro- 
 duced a reconciliation. He could not but 
 confefs the headftrong vulgarity, and un- 
 reafonable prejudices of his countrymen, 
 who confidered every competition with 
 their favourite poet as a burlefque and an 
 infult. Yet, he hoped, the ignorance and 
 the infolence of a few would not be a fuf- 
 ficient reafon for the punimment of the 
 great body of cognofcenti. He, moreover, 
 fpiritedly declared, that he would call any 
 perfon to a very fevere account, who mould 
 dare to laugh, when on the printed bills of 
 the night was written, in large characters, 
 " a ferious Opera" 
 
 The refentment of SignorMacabet him* 
 felf was carried to a ftill higher pitch. He 
 who but the day before had been compli- 
 mented with the Thanemip of Cawdor, be- 
 
 1 2 caufe
 
 n6 OLLA PODRIDA. Nu. 
 
 caufe he had ftood a minute and an half 
 longer, by the manager's watch, upon one 
 leg, than any Macbeth or Artaxerxes who 
 had ever appeared upon any ftage, was ac- 
 tually found the next morning hanging in 
 a pair of embroidered garters, with taOels 
 of filver twift. The Signer made a vacancy 
 iri the opera lift, and his garters were en- 
 tirely fpoiied, having been fo much ftretch- 
 ed as to be unfit for the ufe of any future 
 Macbeth, Rinaldo, Artaxerxes, or, in fhort, 
 any body with a decent leg. 
 
 This trag'cal after-piece was entirely oc- 
 cafioned by the Horfe-laugh, the ufe of 
 which is Ibmetimes allowable, but the two 
 frequent repetition of it I cannot but con- 
 flder as a difeafe. This difeafe is very pre- 
 valent in the city, it is often found at a 
 fitting of the Quorum, and, in fhort, at 
 moft places where the company meet to be 
 merry ; the fymptoms attending it are vio- 
 lent convulsions, and a bloated habit. 
 
 This diforder, among the men, I believe 
 to have originated from the falfe philofophy 
 of a few fmatterers in fcience, who con- 
 ceived, that as Man was diftinguimed from 
 
 the
 
 N'li.OLLA PODRIDA. 117 
 
 the brutes by laughter, the more he laugh- 
 ed, the farther he was removed from the 
 lower fpecies. Yet they mould in their 
 philofophical refearch.es have recollected, 
 that extremes meet, and for that very reafon 
 this fpecies of laughter, which being too- 
 much indulged was confidered as unbe- 
 coming Mankind, has been degraded by the 
 title of the Horfe-Iaugb. With the ladies, 
 this complaint has a different origin. The 
 Ver.us of the Greeks, from whom we de- 
 rive all our notions of the elegant and beau- 
 tiful, when reprefented by the poets in 
 her moft bewitching attire, is called the 
 $.'AcjE,te<&j, a term expreffive of that ration^} 
 chearfulnefs of countenance, which com- 
 prehends all that is lovely in the female 
 face. The poverty of our language has 
 been obliged to tranflate this " the laugh- 
 " ter-loving ;" and to that caufe alone are 
 owing all thofe mrill yet violent fallies of 
 mifmterpreted Gaiety, which frighten our 
 horfes in the park, give us the head-ach at 
 old Drury, and, worfe than all, diftort the 
 features of the faireft women in the world. 
 
 Of
 
 i r8 OLLAPODRIDA. N n. 
 
 Of Grinning, which I do not confider 
 as a fpecies of laughter, I (hall treat upon 
 fome future occafion, and endeavour to de- 
 fcribe the different modifications of it, as it 
 is at prefent practifed by thoie ProfefTors, 
 \vhoexercife their faculty through a horfe- 
 collar at a country fair, by that ufeful ani- 
 mal in the Kitchen, the Turnfpit, and by 
 the illuftrious Afiiftant and Partner of Mr. 
 Aflley General Jackoo. 
 
 I fhall proceed therefore to the rifus in 
 angulo of the ladies, or giggle in the corner. 
 This fpecies of merriment has many dif- 
 ferent ends in view. It fometimes hunts 
 down a man of bafhfulnefs, fometimes 
 ridicules a hump-back, or a red nofe, and 
 fometimes becomes an affignation of gallan- 
 try. The two former of its qualities are 
 particularly called forth, when a bevy of 
 beauties, huddled up into one corner of a 
 room, monopolize the wit uf a whole com- 
 pany, and exercife all the cruel artillery of 
 flolen glances, and half-ftifled laughs, to 
 the great difquiet of any man who is not as 
 ierene amidft difficulties as Fabricius was \\\ 
 
 the tent of Kins; Pvrrhus. 
 
 o - 
 
 That
 
 NYi. OLLA PODRIDA. n 9 
 
 Tftat the giggle in the corner is fome- 
 times an ailignation of gallantry, my male 
 readers, who have no authority upon which 
 they can with more confidence rely, will 
 find fufficiently demonftrated [in Horace. 
 My female readers are reminded of a ma- 
 noeuvre of this kind, by fome lines in the 
 firft paftoral of Mr. Pope : He there makes 
 a Ihepherd give the following account, 
 which by the bye I think hardly fair : 
 
 Me gentle Delia b.eckons from th.e plain, 
 Then, hid in lhades. eludes her eager fwain, 
 
 r ' D ' 
 
 But feigns a laugh, to fee me fearch around, 
 And by that laugh the willing fair is found. 
 
 The Tee-Hee is that gentle relaxation of 
 the mufcular fyftem which proceeds from 
 no inward impulfe, and is vulgarly though 
 not improperly denoted the affected laugh. 
 This is a term of great latitude, and com- 
 prehends the laugh of all thofe who are 
 called, by the Guardian *, the Chians, the 
 Ionics, and the Megarics. The Tee-Hee is 
 the tribute generally paid to any ftory 
 which is fuppofed to be a witty one, but 
 not perfectly underftood ; it is the chorus 
 of a fcandalizing tea-table, the condefcen- 
 
 * Number 29.
 
 120 OLLAPODRIDA. Nu. 
 
 fion of a great man, and the pride of a little 
 one ; the refource of dulnefs, and the orna- 
 ment of a good let of teeth. 
 
 To diicover the origin of this, I have 
 toiled through all the chronological books 
 I could think of, but to no purpoie : 
 However, from the oral tradition of an old 
 weather-wife gentleman, who is accuftom- 
 ed to note remarkable occurrences, I learn 
 that it came into this country with Lord 
 
 J 
 
 Chederfield, upon his return from his tra- 
 vels* Jt was at firft confined entirely to 
 his Lordfhip's fuite ; it then diffufed itfelf,- 
 by degrees, through St. James's and its 
 environs ; and laft of all became the com- 
 mon property of thofe who were diftiri- 
 guifhed by the appellation ofgood company. 
 Still, however, the practice of Tee-Heeing 
 was far from general ; citizens were unac- 
 quainted with it, for my Lady Mayorefs 
 had no routs ; and though it once rode to 
 Rumford with a gentleman out of livery, 
 and was there dropped, yet, as no one- 
 underftood it, no one thought proper to 
 pick it up.- The happy improvement of 
 qyr manners has now made that Icience 
 
 univerfal ,
 
 Nn. OLLAPODRIDA. 121 
 
 univerfal, which for a long time was par- 
 tial : Good company, refinement, and 
 Tee-Heeing, are now as common and as 
 cheap as hack-parfons, or Welfh mutton - 
 we may dine with them at a- milling 
 ordinary on Sundays; are over- run with 
 them at a mafquerade ; elbowd to death by 
 them in the little hell at Newmarket ; tofe 
 our handkerchiefs to them in the lobby of 
 theplay-houfe; and get trampled under their 
 feet at a bull-baiting in Moorfklds. About 
 five weeks ago, 1 fell in with a Tee-Heeing 
 Highwayman in Epping foreft. He was 
 too accomplished and too well mounted for 
 me to think of keeping fuch company long j 
 and we parted, after 1 had depofited with 
 him five pennyworth of half- pence, a metal 
 watch chain, and an ode to the fpring, 
 which, after fome trouble, I convinced 
 him was as good as the Bank. 
 
 After all that can be faid on this fubjeft, 
 we may as well think of feparating wit 
 from the firft of April, or goofe from 
 Michaelmas-day, as that we can live at eafe 
 without laughter, ' the chorus of conver- 
 fation," and the union of focial intercourfe. 
 
 The
 
 O L L A P O D R I D A. N 1 1 , 
 
 The raptures of poetic imagination have 
 extended this faculty to every part of the 
 creation in a {train of metaphorical allufion, 
 dopted by all poets, in all ages and couiir 
 tries ; in Milton we find, 
 
 all things fmffd 
 
 With fragrance, and with joy my heart 
 o'erflowM. 
 
 And in that higher fpecies of poetry, it is 
 faid of the vallies, they mall ftand fo thick 
 with corn, that they (hall laugh and fing. 
 It is not then the thing itielf of which 
 we can complain, but the abufe and mif- 
 management of it. He is no object of imi- 
 tation or envy, who can morofely withhold 
 his laughter, when he may indulge it, with- 
 out incurring the charge of folly ; nor is 
 that man much to be efteemed, who, with 
 ignorance, affectation, arrogance, and illna- 
 ture, ufurps the privilege of laughing upon 
 all occafions, without regard to fituation, 
 circumftance, or decorum. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ "3 3 
 
 NUMBER XH. 
 
 SATURDAY, June 2, 1787. 
 
 I MAD E an entrance, in a former paper, 
 on the important fubject of Vijlting^ 
 and diftinguimed the different kinds of vi- 
 fits now in vogue amongft us, with their 
 excellences and defects. 
 
 It is hard, indeed, to guefs at the flea" 
 fore of aflembling in very large parties. 
 There is much heat, hurry, and fatigue, 
 to all who are concerned. The effence of 
 the entertainment feems to confift in a 
 crowd, and none appear to be perfectly 
 Jiappy, while they can ftir hand or foot. 
 At leaft ? this is the cafe with the lady of 
 
 the
 
 j2 4 OLLAPODRIDA, Ni 2 . 
 
 the houfe, whofe fupreme felicity it is, to 
 be kept in equilibria, by an equilateral pref-^ 
 fure from all quarters. Fixed in her orb, 
 like the fun of the fyftem, {he difpenfes the 
 favour of her nods and fmiles on thofe bo- 
 dies, which I wifh I could fay move 
 around her ; but that they cannot do. . 
 
 But though pleafure be not obtained, 
 trouble perhaps, it may be faid, is faved, 
 by receiving a multitude at once, inftead of 
 being fubjecT: to their perpetual incurfions 
 in feparate bodies ; and when the polite 
 mob has been at my houfe, I am at reft for 
 fome time. True ; but then there is a 
 reciprocity ; and as others have affifted in 
 making your mob a decent and refpeclable 
 one, you mu-ft do the fame by them, and 
 every evening will pafs in this rondeau of 
 delight^ ; a vortex, out of which none can 
 emerge, and into which more and more 
 are continually drawn, for fear of bei.ng 
 left in folitudc ; as all who wifh to vifit 
 will very foon be obliged to vifit after this 
 method, or not at all. From the metro- 
 polis the famion has made its way into 
 provincial, towns, ail the vifitable inhabi- 
 tants
 
 Ni2. OLLA PODR1DA. 125 
 
 tants of which will be afTembled together 
 at one houfe or other, through the winter ; 
 and this, though perhaps there is not a 
 Tingle perfon among them, who does not 
 diflike and complain of the cuftom, as 
 abfurd and difagreeable. 
 
 For the conduct of thefe vifits no direc- 
 tions can be laid down ; but concerning 
 others (while any fuch fhall remain 1 ) where 
 a moderate company of neighbours meet, to 
 pafs a little time in converfation, fome 
 obfervations may be offered. 
 
 They are ufeful, and indeed neceflary, to 
 maintain a friendly and focal intercourfe, 
 without which we are not in a capacity to 
 give or receive help and afliftance from 
 each other. 
 
 They are ufeful to cheer and refrefli the 
 fpirits after bufinefs, and may render us 
 fitter to return to it again. 
 
 They are ufeful, when they are made 
 with a view of relieving and comforting; 
 fuch as are afflicted and diftrefled ; and 
 that, not only in great and fignal troubles, 
 but the common cares and concerns of life ; 
 of advifing, exhorting, and conibling fuch 
 
 as.
 
 126 OLLA PODRIDA. N tt. 
 
 as, having weak and low fpirits, are op- 
 preffed by anxiety a*id melancholy ; of 
 which in England the number always has 
 been, and always will be, .very confidera- 
 ble. Time is well employed in thefe and 
 the like good offices, where a friend is the 
 beft phyfician. The very fight of a cheer- 
 ful friend is often like the fun breaking 
 forth in a cloudy day. A melancholy 
 perfon is at leaft as much the object of cha- 
 rity as a fick one. The cheerful owe this 
 duty to thofe who are otherwise ; and en- 
 joy, themfelves, the moil refined and ex- 
 alted kind of pleafure, when they find their 
 endeavours to fucceed. 
 
 Vifits are ufeful, when they become the 
 means of acquiring or communicating 
 ufeful knowledge, relative to the conduct 
 of life, in concerns either perfonal or do- 
 meftic ; or, even when no fuch knowlege 
 is obtained, if by innocent mirth, pleafant 
 tales, &c. people are brought into good 
 humour, and kept in it. No recreation is 
 more truly ferviceable and effectual than 
 this : and it is faid of Archbifhop Williams, 
 that, " the greater the performance he was 
 I *' about
 
 Ni2. DLL A PODRIDA. 127 
 
 ** about to undertake (whether a fpeech, a 
 " fermon, or a debate), the more liberty 
 " and recreation he firft took, to quicken 
 " and open his fpirits, and to clear his 
 " thoughts." 
 
 By vifiting, opportunities are offered of 
 introducing occafionally matters literary and 
 religious, new publications, &c. For 
 though, perhaps, this is not fo often done 
 as it might be, when people meet ; yet it 
 cannot be done at all, unlefs people do 
 meet. 
 
 To render vifits lively and agreeable, 
 where the company is fmall, and it can be 
 managed conveniently, the converfation 
 mould be general. The ladies, by their 
 fprightlinefs, mould animate the gentle- 
 man ; and the gentlemen, by their learn- 
 ing, inform the ladies. Inftead of this, 
 the gentlemen too often lay their heads to- 
 gether, on one fide of the room, and talk 
 on fubjedts of literature or politics ; leaving 
 the ladies to fettle the articles of caps and 
 gowns, blonds and gauzes, on the other ; 
 which is hafdly fair, efpecially in thefe 
 
 days, when fo many of the other fex are 
 
 Qualified
 
 128 OLLA PODRIDA, N 12. 
 
 qualified to join in a converfation on more 
 important topics. 
 
 The end of a vifit is fruftrated, if it be 
 made too long ; as when the fame company 
 fit together from three in the afternoon till 
 twelve at night, or nine hours ; for then, 
 that which was designed for a recreation 
 becomes itfelf a burden, unlefs there be 
 fome particular bufmefs or amufement in 
 hand. 
 
 Live not in a perpetual round and hurry 
 ofvifiting. You will neglect your affairs 
 at home ; you will by degrees contract a 
 diflike to home, and a dread of being alone ; 
 than which nothing can be more wretched 
 and pernicious. You will acquire a habit 
 'of being idle, of goffiping, dealing in flan- 
 der, fcandal, &c. and of inducing others 
 to do the fame, 
 
 In a fmali party, as alfo in a fingle fami- 
 ly, the work-bafket and a book agree well 
 together. While the ladies work, let one- 
 perfon read diflindUy and deliberately, 
 making proper paufes for remarks and ob- 
 fervations ; thefe will furnifh converfation 
 
 for
 
 Ni2. OLLA PODRIDA. 129 
 
 for a while ; when it begins to flag, let the 
 reader go on, till frefh matter fupply frefh 
 converfation. A winter - evening pafles 
 pleafantly in this manner; and a general 
 wifh will be expreffed, that it had been 
 longer. The mind becomes ftored with 
 knowledge, and the. tongue accuftomed to 
 fpeak upon profitable fubjecls. 
 
 Roufleau aflerts, that every perfon in a 
 company mould \\WQfomething to do. I fee 
 not how this can well be contrived ; Jjut 
 his reafon is curious, and deferves confide- 
 ration. " In my opinion," fays he, "idle- 
 *' nefs is no lefs the peft of/oaV/y, than of 
 *' folitude. Nothing contracts the mind, 
 " nothing engenders trifles, tales, back- 
 " biting, {lander, and falfities, fo much as 
 " being (hut up in a room, oppofite each 
 " other, and reduced to no other occupa- 
 " tion than the neceffity of continual chat- 
 " tering. When all are employed, they 
 44 fpeak only when they have fomething to 
 *' fay ; but if you are doing nothing, you 
 " mud abfolutely talk inceflantly, which 
 *' of all conftraints is the mofl trouble- 
 K " fome,
 
 3 3 Q O L L A P Q P R IP A. Sf 1 
 
 .*' fome, and the "moil dangerous. I 
 '' go even farther, and maintain, that -to 
 ' 4 render a circle truly agreeable, every one 
 " muft be not only doing fomething, but 
 
 * fomething which requires a little atten- 
 
 tt . 
 " tion. 
 
 Should this plan of Roufleau be favour- 
 ably received, and a notion be entertained 
 of carrying it into execution, the chief dif- 
 ficulty will be to provide proper employ- 
 ment for the gentlemen* My readers will 
 turn the matter in their minds. The only 
 caie in point, which I can recollect of at 
 prefent, is that of a friend, who, when 
 young, amufed himfelf with making par- 
 tridge-nets. On a vifit, he would take his 
 work out of the tag, hitch one end of the 
 net upon a fconce, and proceed to bufinefs. 
 His example militates powerfully in favour 
 of the plan ; for his converfatioii, while 
 ib employed, was remarkably free and eafy. 
 Under the above regulations we can never 
 be the worfe, and, if we keep tolerable 
 company, mall general^ be the better, for 
 a viiit. Something muft occur, which is 
 
 worth
 
 N'xa. OLLA PODRIDA. 131 
 
 Vvorth remembering, and noting down. A 
 reflexion at the end of a vific will foon 
 Ihew, whether it comes properly under the 
 denomination of thofe condemned by cafu- 
 ifts, as ufclefi and impertinent ; fince tKat is 
 nfelefs, which tends to no good purpofe ; 
 and that is impertinent, which claims your 
 time and attention* and gives nothing in 
 return. Z. 
 
 . 
 
 - 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XIII. 
 
 SATURDAY, June 9, 17870 
 
 WHEN a friend told John fon that 
 he was much blamed for having 
 unveiled the weaknefs of Pope, " Sir," faid 
 he, " if one man undertake to write the life 
 " of another, he undertakes to exhibit his 
 " true and real character: but this can be 
 " done only by a faithful and accurate deli- 
 " neation of the particulars, which difcri- 
 ^ minatethat character." 
 
 * :: The
 
 N 13. OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 The biographers of this great man feem 
 .confcientioufly to have followed the rule 
 thus laid down by him, and have very 
 fairly communicated all they knew, whe- 
 ther to his advantage, or otherwife. Much 
 concern, disquietude, and offence, have 
 been occafioned by this their conduct in 
 the minds of many, who apprehend, that 
 the caufe in which he flood forth will fuf- 
 fer by the infirmities of the advocate being 
 thus expofed to the prying and malignant 
 eye of the world. 
 
 But did thefe perfons then ever fuppofe, 
 or did they imagine that the world ever 
 fuppofed, Dr. Johnfon to have been a per- 
 fect character ? Alas, no : we all know 
 how that matter fr.an.ds, if we ever look 
 into our own hearts, and duly watch the 
 current of our own thoughts, words, and 
 action s. Johnfon was honeft, and kept a 
 faithful diary of thefe, which is before the 
 publick. Let any man do- the' fame for a 
 fortnight, and publifh it : and if, after 
 that, he mould find himfelf fo difpofed, let 
 him ' caft a {tone." At that hour when 
 the failings of all mall be made manifeft, 
 
 K 3 the
 
 134 OLLA POOR ID A. N e ij. 
 
 the attention of each individual will be 
 confined to his own. 
 
 It is not merely the name of Johnfoa 
 that is to do fervice to any caufe. It is his 
 genius, his learning, his good fenfe, tb 
 ftrength of his reafonings, and the happt- 
 nefs of his illuftrations. Thefe all are 
 precifely what they were : once good, and 
 always good. His arguments in favour o_f 
 felf-denial do not lote their force, because 
 befafted \ nor thofe in favour of devotion, 
 becaufe be f aid his prayers. Grant hisy^/7- 
 ings were, if poflible, ftill greater than 
 thefe : Will a man refufe to be guided by 
 the found opinion of a connfel, or reiiftthe 
 falutary prefpription of a phyfician, becaufe 
 they who give them are not without their 
 faults ? A man may do fo ; but he will 
 never be accounted a wife man for doing it. 
 
 Jphnfon, it is faid, was fuperftitious. 
 But who (hall exactly afcertain to us, what 
 fuperftition is? The Romanift is charged 
 with it by the Church-of-Kngland man ; 
 the Churchman by the Prefbyterian ; the 
 Prefbyterinn by the Independent ; all by the 
 Deift ; and the Deift by the Atheifr. With 
 
 fome?
 
 135 
 
 ibme it is fuperftition-to pray ; with others, 
 to receive the faorament; with others, to 
 believe iti rev^iati-cm'; wif& -GtkefSj to. be- 
 lieve in "God. la fome minds, it fprings 
 from the mofl amiable difpofition in the 
 world " A piqus awe, and fear to have 
 *VorFended," a wifh rather tp do too much, 
 than. *oo little. Such a difpofition one 
 loves and wishes always to find in a friend ; 
 and it cannot jbe difagreeable in the fight of 
 jbtnii who made us. It argues a fenfibility 
 of heart, a tendernefs of confcience, and 
 :tht fear of God. Let him, who finds it 
 not in himfelf, beware left, in flying from 
 iiiperftition, he fall into irreligion and 
 prpphanenefs. 
 
 TTha.t perfons of eminent talents and at- 
 tainments in literature have been often 
 complained of as dogmatical, boifterous, 
 and inattentive to tfye rules of good breed* 
 : ingj is \vell known. But let us .not ex- 
 . pevtrevery thing from every man. There 
 was no occaiioii that Johnfoji fhould tench 
 - TLJS to dance, to make boxys^ or turn com- 
 plitnents. He could teach us better things. 
 To 'reject: wifdpm becaufe the .perfon -of 
 
 K 4. him
 
 136 OLLA PODRIDA. N ^. 
 
 him who communicates it is uncouth, and 
 his manners are inelegant what is it, hut 
 to throw away a pine-apple, and affign for 
 a reafon the roughnefs of its coat ? Who 
 quarrels with a botanifr, for not being an 
 aftronomer; or with a moralift, for not 
 being a mathematician ? As it is faid in 
 concerns of a much higher nature, ** every 
 " man hath his gift, one after this manner, 
 *' and another after that." It is our butinefs 
 to profit by all, and to learn of each that 
 in which each is beft qualified to inftruct 
 us. 
 
 That Johnfon was generous and charita- 
 ble, 'none can deny. But he was not always 
 judicious in the felection of his objects : dif- 
 trefs was a fufficient recommendation, and 
 he did not fcrutinize into the failings of the 
 diftreffed. May it be always my lot to 
 have fuch a benefaclor ! Some are fo nice 
 in a fcrutiny of this kind, that they can 
 never find any proper objects of their bene- 
 volence, and are neceflitated to fave their 
 money. It fhould doubtlefs be diftributed 
 in the beft manner we are able to distribute 
 it ; but what would become of us all, if 
 
 he,
 
 NM3. OLLAPODRIDA. i 37 
 
 he, on whofe bounty all depend, fhould 
 be -"'extreme to mark that which is done 
 " amjfs r" 
 
 It is hard to judge any man, without a 
 due confideration of all circumftances. 
 Here were ftupendous abilities, and fuitable 
 attainments , but then here were hereditary 
 diforders of body and mind reciprocally 
 aggravating each other ; a fcrophulous 
 frame, and a melancholy temper; here 
 was a life, the greater part of which pafl'ed 
 in making provifion for the day, under the 
 preflure of poverty and ficknefs, forrow 
 and anguifh. So far to gain the afcendant 
 over thefe, as to do what Johnfon did, 
 required very great ftrength of mind indeed. 
 Who can fay, that, in a like fituaticn, he 
 mould long have poffefled, or been able to 
 exert it ? 
 
 From the mixture of power and weak- 
 nefs in the compofition of this wonderful 
 man, the fcholar mould learn humility. 
 It was defigned to correct that pride which 
 great parts and great learning are apt to 
 produce in their poiFelTor. In him it had 
 the defired effect. For though confciouf- 
 
 nefs
 
 i 3 S OLLA PODRIDA. N 9 r 5 ; 
 
 nefs of funerkirity might fometimes induce 
 him to carry it high -with man (and even 
 this was much abated in the latter part of 
 life), his devotions havetfiewu to the whole 
 world, how hurnbjy he walked at all time? 
 With his God. 
 
 His example may iikewife encourage 
 thofe of timid and gloomy difpofitions not 
 to defpond, when they reflect, that thf 
 yigpur of fuch an inteliecl.coudd not pre- 
 ierve its pofiefTor from the .depredations of 
 rnelancholy. They will ceafe. to be 
 prized and alarmed at the. degree of 
 own fufferings : they will reioive to bea:c, 
 with patience and ref:gnation,..the ; malady 
 to which they find a Johnfoii fubjec%- 2Q> 
 well as therqfelyes ; and if, they \vant 
 words, Ju which to a(k relief from him 
 who alone can give it, the God -of mercijr, 
 and father of all comfort, language affords 
 no finer than thofe in which his prayers 
 jire conceived. Child of fo r row, t whatever 
 fchou art, ufe them ; and be thankful, that 
 the man exiiled, by whofe means thou ha)ft 
 them to lite- . . . .- i, i-i 

 
 . OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 eminence and his fame muft of 
 cqurfe have excited envy and mali.ce : but 
 Jet envy and malice look at his infirmities 
 and his charities, and they willquicjdy melt 
 into pity and love. 
 
 Thaf he ihould not be cqnfcious of th 
 abilities with which Providence had blefle<J 
 him, was impoflible. He felt his own 
 powers ; he felt what he was capable of 
 having performed ; and he faw how little, 
 comparatively fpeaking, he had performed. 
 Hence his appreheniions on the near prof- 
 pedfc of tl^e account to be made, viewed 
 through fhe medium of conftitutional and 
 morbid melancholy, which qften excluded 
 
 rfr ,,;,' . t : 
 
 from his fight the bright beams of divine 
 mercy. May thofe beams ever fhine upon 
 }is ! But let them not caufe us to forget, 
 that talents have been beftowed, of which 
 an account muft be rendered; and that; 
 the fate of the " unprofitable fervant" may 
 juftly beget apprehenfions in the ftouteri; 
 mind. The indolent man, who is without 
 fuch apprehenfions, has never yet cpnfider- 
 c-i the fubjeft as he ought. For one perfou 
 
 who
 
 OLLAPODRIDA. N i 3 . 
 
 who fears death too much, there are 3 
 thoufand who do not fear it enough, nor 
 have thought in earneft about it. Let us 
 only put in. practice the duty of felf- exami- 
 nation ; let us enquire into the fuccefs we 
 have experienced in our war againft the 
 paffions, or even againft undue indulgence 
 of the common appetites, eating, drinking, 
 and deeping : we {hall foon perceive how 
 much more eafy it is to form refolutions, 
 than to execute them ; and mall no longer 
 find occafion, perhaps, to wonder at the 
 weaknefs of Johnfon. 
 
 On the whole In the memoirs of him 
 that have been publimed, there are fo many 
 witty fayings, and fo many wife ones, by 
 which the world, if it fo pleafe, may be 
 at once entertained and improved, that I 
 do not regret their publication. In this, 
 as in all other inftances, we are to adopt 
 the good, and reject the evil. The little 
 flories of his oddities and his infirmities in 
 common life will, after a while, be over- 
 looked and forgotten ; but his writings 
 will live for ever, ftill more and more ftVi*. 
 
 died
 
 Ni 3 . OLLA PODRIDA. 141 
 
 died and admired, while Batons mall con- 
 tinue to be characterized by a love of ele- 
 gance and fublimity, of good fenfe. and vir- 
 tue. The lincerity of his repentance, the 
 ftedfaftnefs of his faith, and the fervour 
 of his charity, forbid us to doubt, that his 
 fun fet in clouds, to rife without them : 
 and of this let us always be mindful, that 
 every one who is made better by his books, 
 will add a wreath to his crown. Z. 
 
 
 
 
 i 1DV3 *O 
 Lfi-^O 13C1 
 
 ( \d latfsi 
 
 5lra 
 
 bnt 
 NUM.
 
 t '4* 3 
 
 XIV* 
 
 SATURDAY* fa* r6, 1787* 
 
 . 
 
 '-.3V 
 i 
 
 >ET WEEN the Sloven and the Cox* 
 comb there is generally a competition 
 which (hall be the more contemptible, the 
 one in the total negled of every thing which 
 might make his appearance in public Tup- 
 portable ; and the other in the cultivation 
 of every fuperfluous ornament. The for- 
 mer offends by his negligence and dirt, the 
 latter by his airs and perfumery. Each 
 entertains a proper contempt for the other ; 
 and while both are right in their opinion, 
 both are wrong in their practice. The 
 
 drefe
 
 Ni4- OLLA PODRIDA. 143 
 
 drels of a man is almoft invariably an indi- 
 cation of his habit of mind : 1 do not mean 
 
 to aflert, that bv 3 red coat you can pofi- 
 
 X fl.3 t - 
 
 tively fwear to nis~ valour, or 'by a black 
 
 one to his integrity ; but from his general 
 manner of adorning his perfon, you may 
 difcover the general train of his thinking. 
 He who has never been feen in dimabille 
 but by his -hair-dfefler, ojr J.iis Valet de 
 chambre, I am inclined to fuppofe has ne- 
 ver known the luxury of mental relaxation. 
 Not that hi& mind is occupied in abftrule 
 fpeculations ; but, being ever folicitous for 
 the welfare and ornament of his peribn, he 
 cannot deicend to take a (hare / in thofe 
 concerns of the world, which, if they 
 gained pofiefiion of his mind, might ;di- 
 compole the features of K^s face. He.hi\s 
 jio confolation for the afHi^lecl .*, for care 
 produceth wrinkles ; he m.ynS l$ught;er ? l,ejt 
 
 : <i;. v x :^v> 
 
 r He is one of that uncomfortable fpecies^ fo f}ap- 
 pily delineated in the learned preface to Bellsndenus : . 
 
 * n 
 
 "ap**** vtfpoiS tvt' 
 
 at At^Io aux d'k T{J^a] 
 T' xfyst T @>a AI^M, 
 aTrgsc-nj-cpo r-.g{. . 
 
 he
 
 144 OLLA PODRIDA. N 14. 
 
 he mould (hake the powder from his curls ; 
 he cannot fmoke left his coat fhould fmeli 
 of tobacco; and he is prevented from the 
 moderate ufe of wine, for it would endan- 
 ger, if not ruin, his complexion. 
 
 Thefe well-dreffed advocates for virtue 
 avoid gluttony, not that they may practife 
 abftinence, but left they fhould injure their 
 fhapes; they fly from drunkennefs, HOC 
 becaufe it is a viee, dangerous in itfelf, and 
 deftructive in its confequences, but that 
 they may preferve their faces from pimples. 
 Reafons of equal moment regulate all their 
 actions, concerns, and opinions. The man 
 of drefs is, perchance, a difienter, becauie 
 the path-way which leads to the meeting- 
 houfe is cleaner than that to the church ; 
 or he is a churchman, becaufe his pew is 
 lined with green bays. 
 
 There is an equivocal fpecies of beings> 
 called pctites maitres, who are owned by 
 neither fex, and fhunned by both. They 
 are a race not -peculiar to * any nation, or 
 
 clime, 
 
 * They are evidently alluded to in the following 
 Epigram of Axifonius : 
 
 Dum dubztat natura marem faceretne fuellam, 
 Faftus es t oh fukber, poetic paella. f>uer* 
 
 Give
 
 N 14. OLLA PODRIDA. 145 
 
 clime, or country. Ancient Rome had 
 many of them ; Modern Rome, has, I 
 fufpecl:, more. They flourim among our 
 pacified friends in France; nor are we in. 
 England entirely without them. We may 
 foon, perhaps, hear of their exiflence among 
 our colonifts at Botany-bay ; that they have 
 fprung up in the fafhionable part of Lap- 
 land, or are gaining ground with the paper 
 money in North America. 
 
 To this part of the creation is almoft en- 
 tirely confined that violent extravagance of 
 drefs which fixes a man's head between 
 twocapesor promontories, like an attor- 
 ney in the pillory, and cuts away the 
 Ikirts of his coat, as if he had narrowly 
 efcaped from a fire. Among thefe whiin- 
 lical innovators in drefs, I have found all 
 my conclufions refpetUng the ftate of their 
 minds, built upon unfound foundations : 
 The fame fpirit of innovation, which was 
 continually varying the pofition of the 
 
 Give me, ye Gods, the Hufband cries, an Heir, 
 The teeming Wife demands a Daughter fair j 
 The Gods too kind, nor that deny, nor this, 
 Forth conies an Heir, half Miller and half Mifs. 
 
 L fleeve-
 
 146 OLLAPODRIDA. N 14. 
 
 fleeve-button, or the pattern of the flock- 
 ing, might, I thought, render them un- 
 quiet members of the community, and dan- 
 gerous to the ftate. But I am happily mif- 
 taken. They are harmlefs citizens ; and 
 thofe minds which in my patriotic zeal I 
 was too fearful might be plotting againft 
 my country, I have, upon a clofer examina- 
 tion, difcovered to be a perfect blank. 
 
 Somewhat of a man's mind may, per- 
 haps, be difcovered by his promptitude or 
 backwardnefs to comply with what is term- 
 ed the Fafhion of Drefs. He who can be 
 content to follow famion, with all her mu- 
 tability, through all her revolutions, muft 
 have imbibed fomeof that ficklenefs which 
 fuch a purfuit infpires. The fame uncer- 
 tainty which makes him fluctuate between 
 Mr. Rng the taylor, and Mr. Bloflbm the 
 habit-maker, will mark his conduct in the 
 more ferious concerns of life. 
 
 Fie un the contrary, who ia ridiculouflv 
 precife in drefs, nothing varying according 
 
 to the famion of the times, will be sene- 
 
 & 
 
 rally found overbearingly dogmatical in opi- 
 nion. The fame bigotry which condemns 
 I, him
 
 Ni4- OLLAPODRIDA. 147 
 
 him to one pair of buckles, will chain him 
 down likewife to one fet of opinions. He 
 would contend for the propriety of his dia- 
 lect, though he were educated within a 
 mile of the Lake of Windermere ; he 
 would defend his tafte, though he brought 
 it from the ifle of Sky ; and he would dog- 
 matife in religion, though he had his un- 
 ftable principles from Birmingham. 
 
 It is a common cuftom from the drefs 
 and appearance of a man to guefs at his 
 trade or profeffion. The decency of the 
 round curl, the gravity of the black coat, 
 and the emblematic orthodoxy of everlaft- 
 ing waiftcoat and breeches, are fufficient to 
 mark a man for a Defender of the faith. 
 The laying out of the " gravel-walk and 
 grafs-plat" in a citizen's green and gold 
 waiftcoat, will evince to an accurate ob- 
 ierver the flreet in which he lives, and 
 whether his warehoufe contains the goods 
 of an eminent Shoemaker, the right pigtail 
 of a Tobacconifr, or the ventures of a Tur- 
 key Merchant. When we fee thofe un- 
 accountable combinations of ill mixing co- 
 lours, which are fometimes difplayed in the 
 L 2 coat,
 
 148 OLLA PODRIDA. N 14. 
 
 coat, waiftcoat, and breeches, we cannot 
 help fufpecling, that the wearer of them is 
 by profefiion a Fidler, not much in repute, 
 or by trade a Taylor, with no other ufefor 
 his patterns than to make " a motley fuit" 
 for himfelf. 
 
 It requires no great penetration to difco- 
 ver, that the fhort man with the anchor 
 on his button, who contends for the liber- 
 ty of the prefs, is the midmipman of a man 
 of War ; or that the fat Laughter-loving 
 dame, all pink ribbons and fmiles, makes 
 faufages in Fetter-lane, or difpenfes cakes 
 and ale at the bar of the Crofs Marrow- 
 bones, near Mile-end Turnpike. 
 
 What, afrer all, it may be afked, is the 
 ftandard of propriety in drefs ? There is, 
 perhaps, none. His own judgment and 
 underftanding mud be the guide of every 
 one. And it may not be ufelefs to remem- 
 ber^ that from the outward appearance 
 people form opinions of the inward man ; 
 that he will excite indignation, whofe 
 whole mind ?5 vcfibly laid out upon his 
 ckefs,- as certainly as the profefied drun- 
 kard will dtfguft, whofe face is like the 
 
 fouth
 
 N i4- OLLAPODRIDA. 149 
 
 fouth afpeft of a garden- wall, hung with 
 ripe fruit. He who, perhaps, owes the 
 poverty of his underftanding to his own 
 negleft, will in vain endeavour to repair his 
 confequence and dignity hy the affiftance 
 of the Graces and the Taylors ; all they 
 can do for him is, to render his folly more 
 apparent, and himfelf more ridiculous. 
 
 Moderation is, perhaps, no where a more 
 pofitive virtue than in drefs, to which no 
 man of fenfe will devote the whole of his 
 time, and no reafonable man will refufe 
 fome portion of it. 
 
 L 3 N U
 
 T 150 ] 
 
 NUMBER XV. 
 
 jt 
 
 SATURDAY, June 23, 1787, 
 
 . Nimh alta fapit, 
 Bellua mult or urn capitum. 
 
 TN a Society, inftituted for the purpofe 
 of amicable difputation, to which I 
 once found means to obtain admittance, the 
 following queftion was propofed for diicuf- 
 iion : Which circumflance would be more 
 irkfome to a gentleman of delicate feelings, 
 the reflection that he had killed another in 
 a duel, or had been himfelf pulled by the 
 nofe from Penzance in Cornwall, to our 
 Town of Berwick upon Tweed, by way of 
 
 London :
 
 NIS. OLLA PODRIDA. 151 
 
 London : That his audience might have 
 as clear a comprehenfion as poffible of the 
 fubjecl: to be difcufled, the leader of the 
 debate thought it neceffary to fpecify to 
 them the diftance between the two places 
 mentioned, in which his accuracy was 
 queftioned by a gentleman with his hand- 
 kerchief under his wig : The conteft was 
 carried on with violence and acrimony, but 
 was at length fomewhat appeafed by means 
 of a third peribn, who, upon bringing the 
 parties to explain, difcovered that they had 
 made their calculations upon different prin- 
 ciples, the one having confulted Paterfon's 
 book of roads, the other Ogilby's. 
 
 It was .on all fides fagacioufly concluded 
 upon, that one muft be wrong ; but it was 
 impoffible to ascertain which, without ex- 
 amining the comparative excellences of 
 Mefirs. Paterfon and Ogilby, each of whom 
 was extolled by either party as a literary 
 Coloflus. This gave the debate another in- 
 terefting turn ; and as I found the heat of 
 the room and the contefl likely to endan- 
 ger my welfare, and produce fomething 
 more than a war of words, I made as p 
 
 L 4 cipitatc
 
 152 OLLA PODRIDA. N" 15. 
 
 cipltate a retreat as the nature of the cafe 
 would admit ; but before I could gain the 
 door, I found the amicable difputants had 
 laid afide their rhetoric and their coats, and 
 exchanged the fanciful and ideal fhafts of 
 wit for the material weapons of pewter pots 
 and oaken flicks. Never was that happy 
 companion of the Grammarians more tho- 
 roughly illustrated, by which they liken 
 logic to the clenched fift ! My efcape from 
 thefe Logicians was a fource of comfortable 
 contemplation, yet I could not lay afide all 
 my fears for the fafety of thofe I had left 
 behind ; however, I had the ihtisfac~tion to 
 find, the next morning, that no material 
 injury had been fuftained. Upon turning 
 jnto a mop, I bought a pair of gloves of the 
 Paterfonian ; and foon after difcovered the 
 follower of Ogilby mending the club-room 
 windows. 
 
 Thefe and a few other circumftances, 
 which I need not, perhaps, enumerate* 
 have induced me to offer to my patient rea- 
 ders a few obfervations on that great love of 
 refinement and fentimentality which is daily 
 gaining ground among the lower orders of 
 
 our
 
 Ni5- OLLA PODRIDA. 153 
 
 our fellow-countrymen, of which nothing 
 can I believe radically cure them but a 
 Dutch war. The grand caufes of this mif- 
 chiefj I am inclined to fuppofe, are the 
 above-mentioned pewter-pot fpouting clubs, 
 and thofe rhapfodies of nonfenfe which 
 are fo liberally poured upon the publick, 
 under the title of Sentimental Novels, ut- 
 terly fubverfive of common fenfe, and not 
 very warm friends to common honefty; 
 There is a fafcinating power in nonfenle, 
 which may fometimes afford relaxation, if 
 not amufement, to a man of fenfe ; but 
 which always meets with fomething con- 
 genial to itfelf in meaner capacities. For 
 fuch capacities fuch competitions are well 
 adapted ; and for thefe the furrow is left 
 unfinished, and " the hammers mifs their 
 " wonted ftroke." 
 
 Some of my readers may, perhaps, be 
 not only readers of novels, but writers of 
 them. Though I do not confider myfelf 
 as qualified in any particular to dictate to fo 
 refpectable a part of the community, yet I 
 cannot forbear offering a few, perhaps er- 
 roneous, remarks upon them and their pro- 
 dudlions, While
 
 154- OLLA PODRIDA. N 15. 
 
 While the writers of novels have fo 
 many admirable models, upon which their 
 ftyle might be formed, it is not wilhout 
 regret that we turn over the iniipid pages 
 which are thruft into our fight in every 
 bookfeller's mop. They feem to have for- 
 gotten that there are writers better than 
 themfelves ; that if we wi(h for delicate and 
 refined fentiment, we can recur to Gran- 
 difon and ClarhTa ; if we would fee the 
 world more perhaps as it is, than as it 
 fhould be, we have Jofeph Andrews and 
 Tom Jones ; or that we can find the happy 
 mixture of fatire and moral tendency in the 
 Spiritual Quixote and Cecilia. 
 
 I cannot help noticing the glaring im- 
 propriety they are guilty of, who make 
 their nobility and their peafants fpeak the 
 fame language : They defend themfelves, 
 no doubt, by the authority and example of 
 Virgil's Shepherds, Sanazarius's Fimermen, 
 and the ruffles of Mr. Pope. But when 
 they are told, that to copy the deformities 
 of good writers will be no embellimment 
 to bad ones, they may perhaps ceafe to 
 overwhelm us with the fentimentality of 
 
 theic
 
 Ni5- OLLA PODRIDA. 155 
 
 their Abigail?, the heroic gallantry of their 
 Footmen, and the rhetorical flourifhes of 
 their Shoemakers. Thefe are more parti- 
 cularly the characters which do a material 
 injury to that part of the nation, who, 
 when they have (hut up (hop, wet their 
 thumbs and fpell through a novel. A love- 
 fick Chambermaid is enough to ruin half 
 the fifterhood ; an intrigueing Apprentice is 
 the torment of Matter Tradel men ; and the 
 high-flown notions of honour, which are 
 inculcated by " Johnny with his moulder- 
 knot," will fet a couple of taylors a duel- 
 ling. If the rapid courfe of thefe griev- 
 ances be not checked, we fhall have the 
 Epicure juftly complaining, that he can 
 get no lamb to eat with his afparagus, from 
 the feniibility of the Leadenhall-butchers; 
 or that the melting tendernefs of the Cooks 
 prevents the eels from being fkinned, or 
 the lobfters boiled alive. Should delicacy 
 of thinking become too common, we may 
 drive the lawyers from their quibbles, and 
 how then are we to get thofe little odd jobbs 
 done for ouiielves, and our eftates, fo con- 
 venient for our families, and fo beneficial 
 
 to
 
 OLLA PODRIJt>A. 
 
 to our landed interefts? Suppofe, more- 
 over, the Jews (I do not mean particularly 
 thofe to whom Dr. Prieftley's invitation is 
 directed, but) the money-lenders and the 
 proprietors of the crucible, mould be in- 
 fected with this growing fenfe of honour ; 
 the gaming-table muft be deferted ; there 
 would be no market for ftolen watches ; and 
 the triumph of fentiment would be the 
 downfall of the nation. 
 
 There is much perhaps to be complained 
 of in other publications which tend to dif- 
 {eminate the glare and tinfel of falfe fenti- 
 ment ; I mean the works of thofe imita- 
 tors of Sterne, whofe pages are polluted 
 with ribbaldry and dames ; and thofe 
 compilers of modern tragedies at which no 
 man weeps, unlefs in pure friendfhip for 
 the author. 
 
 If I in the playhoufe faw a huge black- 
 fmith-like looking fellow blubbering over 
 the precious foolery of Nina, I mould im- 
 mediately take it for granted he came in 
 with an order, and look upon his iron tears 
 as a forgery. Indeed, might 1 be allowed 
 to dictate upon fuch an occafion, no man 
 
 fliould
 
 Ni5- OLLA, POD RID A. 157 
 
 mould be permitted to moiften a white 
 handkerchief at the ohs and the ahs of a 
 modem tragedy, unlefs he poffefled an 
 eftate of feven hundred a year, clear of 
 mortgage, and every other incumbrance. 
 Such people have a right to fling away 
 their time as they pleafe ; the works of the 
 loom receive no impediment from their 
 idlenefs, and it is at leaft an innocent 
 though infipid amufement. 
 
 While I feem endeavouring to harden 
 the hearts of my country againft thofe at- 
 tacks which are made upon them frooi the 
 ftage, I am far from wiming to rob them 
 of that pompt benevolence which is a lead- 
 ing feature in our national chara&er. But I 
 am afraid of refinement even in our virtues. 
 1 am afraid left the fame eye which is fo 
 prone to give its tributary tear to the well- 
 told hiftory of fancied woe, mould be able 
 to look upon real mifery without emotion, 
 becaufe its tale is told without plot, inci- 
 dent, or ornament. I would only there- 
 fore remind thofe fair ladies, and well- 
 drefled gentlemen who frequent our thea- 
 tres becaufe they have nothing elfe- to do, or 
 
 that
 
 158 OLLAPODRIDA. N 15. 
 
 that they may enjoy the luxury of {bed- 
 ding tears with Mrs. Siddons, that if they 
 will look round among their fellow .crea- 
 tures they will find their time rather too 
 fhort, than too long, for the exercife of 
 their companion in alleviating the diftrefles 
 of their neighbours : and they may, by 
 thefe means, be fupplied with luxuries, 
 which will never reproach them with time 
 fquandered away, or mif-fpent in idlenefs 
 or vice. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ '59 3 
 
 NUMBER XVI. 
 
 SATURDAY, June 30, 1787. 
 
 Gaudetque viatn fec/ffe rutnd. Luc AN. 
 
 WITH a View, no doubt, of more 
 deeply interefting our attention, it 
 feems the practice of modern Tragedy Wri- 
 ters to aim at exciting terror by a general 
 yet indifcriminate recourfe to the bowl and 
 the dagger ; whilft, after exhaufting the 
 whole armory of the Property Room, the 
 fifth aft is frequently accelerated from the 
 mere want of furviving perfonages to fup- 
 port the Play. The modern Hero of the 
 
 Drama
 
 160 OLLA PODRIDA. NN6. 
 
 Drama feems as it were profeffionally to 
 confider killing as no murder ; the rout of 
 armies, the capture of thoufands, and the 
 downfall of empires, forms the naufeous 
 yet perpetual chit-chat of the narrative. 
 However grofs may be the deficiencies of 
 plot, character, ftyle, and language, inci- 
 dent pregnant with devaftation and blood- 
 ihed is deemed a receipt in full for every 
 excellence ; and in proportion as the ordi- 
 nary ftandard of human actions is exceed- 
 ed, the nearer in the opinion of the author 
 the piece approaches to perfection. Such a 
 conduct, however, betrays the greateft po- 
 verty of expedient, and not infrequently 
 defeats its own end, by exciting difguft in- 
 ftead of approbation. Nature deals in no 
 fuch hyperboles ; to the credit of herfelf, 
 and the comfort of her creation, me as rare- 
 ly (hews in the moral world, a Nero, a 
 Borgia, a Cromwell, or a Catiline; as me 
 does in the natural, a Comet, or an Hur- 
 ricane, an Earthquake, or an Inundation. 
 Whoever has curforily turned over the 
 Dramatic Works of Lee and Dryden, will 
 acknowledge the juflnefs of this charge. 
 
 With
 
 Ni6. OLLAPODRIDA: 161 
 
 With uniform and unexampled charac- 
 ters either of vice or virtue in the extreme, 
 the aggregate of mankind are little affected ; 
 as they cannot come under their obfervation 
 in real Life, they have few claims to their 
 notice, and none to their belief, in fictitious 
 reprefentations. Mixed characters alone 
 come home to the minds of the multitude. 
 The angelic qualities of a Grandifon, or an 
 Harlowe, are reflected but by the hearts of 
 a few folitary individuals, whilft thofe of 
 Jones finds a never failing mirrour in the 
 greater part of mankind. At all events, if 
 it is impofiible to avoid verging to one ex- 
 treme or the other, the fide of Virtue, it is 
 hoped, is the moft probable, and therefore 
 the moft proper of the two ; and wherever 
 we are tempted by a ftory, peculiarly adapt- 
 ed to the tragic Mufe (carrying with it, at 
 the fame time, a iufficiency of the terrible)', 
 it is the bufinefs of the Poet, to be moft 
 cautious in the felection, and to deal out 
 death and deftruction as reluctantly and as 
 feldom as the nature of the incidents will 
 admit; for I cannot help concurring with 
 Jonathan Wild in opinion, that mifchief is 
 M much
 
 i6i OLLA PODRIDA. N 16. 
 
 much too precious a commodity to be 
 iquandered. 
 
 The judicioufly blending the lights and 
 fhades of a character, fo as to make the one 
 necefTarily refult from, and fall into, the 
 other, conftitutes one of the moil difficult 
 branches of the Art ; and in the works of 
 common writers it is in vain we look for 
 an effect of the kind. To delineate with 
 exactnefs the temporary lapfe of the Good 
 from Virtue to Vice, or thofe peculiar fitu- 
 ations in which the wicked man faulters in 
 his career, and blumes to find himfclf 
 " Daggering upon Virtue," demands the 
 hand of a Mafter. A character of unin- 
 terrupted deteftation can fcarcely exifr. ; 
 and when it is obtruded upon us, we have 
 a right to quefKon the abilities of him who 
 drew it. The Satan of Milton, though 
 with a heart diftended with pride, and re- 
 joicing in difobedience, when marfhalling 
 his troops (all of whom had forfeited Hea- 
 ven in his caufe) for the exprefs purpofe 
 of confronting the Almighty, betrays emo- 
 tions almofl incompatible with .his nature. 
 
 They are fmgularly affecting : 
 
 cruel
 
 Ni6. OLLA PODRIDA. 163 
 
 cruel his eye, but caft 
 
 Signs of remorfe, and paffion to behold 
 The fellows of his crime, the followers rather, 
 (Far other once beheld in blifs) condemn'd 
 For ever now to have their lot in pain ; 
 Millions of fpirits for his fault amerc'd 
 Of Heav'n, and from eternal fplendours flung 
 For his revolt 
 
 Mark the effect : 
 
 * he now prepared 
 
 To fpeak 
 
 Thrice he aflay'd, and thrice, in fpite of fcorri, 
 Tears, fuch as Angels weep, burft forth 
 
 i ft Book, 604, &c. 
 
 Nor has Virgil fuffered the unnatural 
 and abandoned Mezentius, equally the Con- 
 temner of the Gods, and the Enemy of 
 man, to leave us without exciting fome 
 pity, however undeferved. The. grief with 
 which he hears the death of his amiable 
 fon Laufus announced, and the eagernefs 
 with which he mftantly haftens to revenge 
 it, the magnanimity - he difcovers in his 
 Inft words, in reply to the taunts of ^Eneas, 
 afford a fine relief to that horror and detef- 
 tation which the former part of his charac- 
 M 2 ter
 
 1 64 OLLAPODRIDA. Nitf. 
 
 ter had previoufly excited : The whole is a 
 mafter- piece in its kind *. 
 
 In the Medea of Euripides, one of the 
 firft Performances Antiquity lias left us, it 
 is the aim of the Poet throughout to make 
 Medea an object of commiferation ; and to 
 this end, he has made- a tender and unre- 
 mitted folicitude for the fate of her children' 
 the leading feature of her character : and 
 on comparing the provocation on the ene 
 fide with the revenge on the other, we 
 fhall find them by no means difpropor- 
 tioned. High-born, impatient, and ardent 
 in her attachment, with a fenfibility trem- 
 blingly-alive to feel her wrongs, and a fpi- 
 rit, to the utmofl, to revenge them, me is 
 ftill a tender mother, though no longer a 
 fond wife, and in every refpeft perfectly 
 (luman. For Jafon, (he had forfaken and 
 betrayed her father and her country, killed 
 her brother Abfyrtus. .Through his means 
 fhe had been infulted -by Creon, and ba- 
 nimed his kingdom ; Creon, the very 
 man whofe daughter Creufa had ufurped 
 
 * See from line 833 to the conclufion of the loth 
 
 her
 
 Ni6. OLLA PODRIDA. 165 
 
 her bed, and alienated the affections of her 
 huiband. Yet every writer, who has em- 
 ployed himfelf on this fubjecl: fince the 
 Greek bard, feems widely to have mif- 
 taken, or wilfully to have departed, from 
 what ihould have been their model. 
 Seneca, with fome few flight exceptions, 
 has divefted her of every claim to pity ; 
 Corneille has done the fame ; and Glover, a 
 Poet of our own, has left the blunder as 
 he found it. Whoever is dedrous of being 
 made acquainted with fome of the moft 
 poignant firuggles between the defire of 
 revenge, and maternal affection, is more 
 particularly referred to this Play *. 
 
 It may not be amifs to conclude thefe 
 remarks witb a few extracts from a moft 
 excellent modern performance, where the 
 Author has committed an errour (of 
 which he was probably fenfible at the , 
 time), in order to avoid exceeding, what he 
 feems to have confidered, the regular 
 boundaries of Human depravity. 
 
 In the laft Scene of the Revenge, where 
 the dreadful unravelment of the Plot takes 
 place through the immediate agency of 
 
 * See Medea. 1021, 1069, 1244, &c. &c. 
 
 M 3 Zanga
 
 i66 OLLA PODRIDA. N" 16. 
 
 Zanga himfelf, the following circumftances 
 are thus forcibly unfolded : 
 
 Tky wife is guiltlefs, that's one tranfport to 
 
 me ; 
 
 And /, / let thee know it, that's another : 
 / nrg'd Don Carlos to refign his miftrefs, 
 7 forg'd the letter, / difpos'd the picture i 
 7 hated, 7 defpis'd, and 7 deftroy. 
 
 By thefe aggravations of malevolence, 
 the deteftation of the Audience is worked 
 tip to the higheft poffible pitch ; in the 
 fubfequent part of the ,fcene, Alonzo is 
 racked with a ftill farther difcovery of the 
 reafons that incited Zanga to Revenge from 
 Zanga himfelf ; in an agony of defpair, he 
 {tabs himfdf, and dies ; and the Poet con- 
 cludes the Piece with endeavouring to dravy 
 a (hade over the character of the Aloor before 
 he leaves him to the mercy ofthefpeclator; 
 and by one fpeech aims at aa atonement for 
 him in oppofition to the deteftation and dif- 
 guft he had previoufly fo fuccefsfully ex- 
 cited Zanga approaches the body, and thus 
 fpeaks : 
 
 Is this Alonzo ? where's his haughty mien ? 
 Is that the hand which fmote me ? Heavens ! 
 how pale ! And
 
 Ni6. OLLA PODRIDA. 167 
 
 And art thou dead ? So is my enmity, 
 
 I war not with the duft: the great, the proud, 
 
 The Conqueror of Afric was my foe. 
 
 A Lion preys not upon carcafes. 
 
 This was the only method to fubdue me ; 
 
 Terror and doubt fall on me; all thy good 
 
 Now blazes ; all thy guilt is in the grave. 
 
 Never had man fuch funeral applaufe ; 
 
 If I lament thee, fure thy worth was great. 
 
 Vengeance I I have follow 1 d tbee Ho far ; 
 
 And to receive me Hell blows all her fires 
 
 Zanga might here with propriety retort 
 upon Young the very words which were put 
 into his mouth in addrefiing Alonzo : 
 " Chriftian, thou miftak'ft my character." 
 
 For thefe fymptoms of repentance and 
 regret which he here difcovers in acknow- 
 ledging his having gone too great lengths 
 in his purfuit of Revenge, and that he had 
 followed Vengeance too far, are totally out 
 of place, and unnatural ; they are againft 
 the tenets of that religion which he is fiip- 
 pofed to profefs, and the practice and ex- 
 ample of his country, which confider a 
 contrary condud as eminently meritorious. 
 
 M 4 The
 
 i68 OLLAPODRIDA. N 16. 
 
 The plain rule of Horace fhould certainly, 
 to have compleated the Piece, have been 
 here flriclly adhered to ; 
 
 Servetur ad imum 
 
 Qualis ab incept o procefferit , autfibi con/tet. 
 
 c 
 
 NUMBER
 
 NUMBER XVIL 
 
 SATURDAY, July 7, 1787. 
 
 Eft natura homlnum novhatis avida. 
 
 THAT with refpeft of news, as well 
 as of liquors, Man is a thirfty foul ; 
 we are taught, in the words of my motto, 
 at the very firfl entrance on our elemen- 
 tary ftudies. Curiofity is the appetite of 
 the mind. It mult be fatisfied, or we 
 perim. 
 
 Among the improvements, therefore, of 
 modern times, there is none on which I 
 find more reafon to congratulate my coun- 
 trymen, than the increafe of knowledge by 
 the multiplication of newfpapers. 
 
 With
 
 i;o OLLAPODRIDA. Ni;. 
 
 With what a mixture of horror and 
 commiferation do we now look back to that 
 period in our hiftory, when, as it is faid, 
 a written letter came down once a week to 
 the coffee-houfe, where a proper perfon, 
 with a clear and ftrong voice, was pitched 
 upon to read it aloud to the company af- 
 fembled upon the occafion ! How earneftly 
 did they liften ! How greedily did they 
 fuck down every drop of intelligence that 
 fell within their reach ! Happy the man 
 who carried off but half a fentence ! It was 
 his employment, for the reft of the even- 
 ing, to imagine what the other half might 
 have been. In days like thefe there was, 
 indeed (if we may ufe the exprefiion) " a 
 famine in the land ;" and one wonders how 
 people contrived to keep body and foul 
 together. 
 
 The proviflon at prefent made for us is 
 ample. There are morning papers for 
 breakfaft ; there are evening papers for f up- 
 per ; I beg pardon- I mean dinner ; and 
 left, during the interval, wind mould get 
 into the ftomach, there is, I believe I 
 know there was a paper publimed by way 
 
 of
 
 N 17. OLLA PODRIDA. 171 
 
 of luncheon, about noon. That fanatlcifm 
 may not overwhelm us, and that profane 
 learning may be duly mingled with facred, 
 there is alfo a Smiday gazette ; which re- 
 moves one objection formerly urged, and 
 furely not without reafon, againft the ob- 
 fervation of the day. 
 
 Some have complained, that to read all 
 the newfpapers, and compare them accu- 
 rately together, as it is neceffary to do, 
 before a right judgement can be formed of 
 the {rate of things in general, is grown to 
 be a very laborious tafk, which whoever 
 performs properly can do nothing elfe. 
 And why mould he ? Perhaps, he has 
 nothing elfe to do ; perhaps, if he had, he 
 would not do it ; or, perhaps, if he had 
 not this to do, he would be in mifchief. 
 The complaint fprings from a very crimi- 
 nal indolence, the child of peace and wealth. 
 No man knows what may be done, within 
 the compafs of a day, till he tries. For- 
 tune favours the brave. Let him buckle to 
 the work, and defpair of nothing. The 
 more difficulty, the more honour. The 
 Athenians, we are told, fpent their time 
 
 only
 
 172 OLLAPODRIDA. N 17. 
 
 only "in hearing or telling fome new 
 thing." Would he wifh to fpend his 
 time better than the Athenians did ? 
 
 It has been thought, that tradefmen and 
 artificers may fpend too much of their time 
 in this employment, to the negled of their 
 own refpe&ive occupations. But this can 
 be thought only by fuch as have not con- 
 fidered, that to an Englishman his country 
 is every thing. Self is fwallovved up, as it 
 ought to be, in patriotifm : or, to borrow 
 ecclefiaftical language, the conftitution is 
 his diocefe ; his own bufinefs can only be 
 regarded in the light of a commendam, on 
 which if he caft an eye now and then, as 
 he happens to pafs that way, it is abun- 
 dantly fufficient. 
 
 The fpirit of defamation, by which a 
 newfpaper is often poflefled, has now found 
 its own remedy in the diverfity of them ; 
 for though a gentleman may read, that 
 he himfelf is a fcoundrel, and his wife 
 no better than (he fhould be to-day, he 
 will be fure to read, that both of them are 
 very good fort of people to-morrow. In 
 the fame manner, if one paper, through 
 
 miftake,
 
 N'I;. OLLAPODRIDA. 173 
 
 miflake, or deiign, kill his friend, there is 
 another ready to fttch him to life ; nay, if 
 he have good luck in the order of his read- 
 ing, he may be informed that his friend is 
 alive again, before he had perufed the ac- 
 count of his death. 
 
 The expence of advertifing in fo many 
 different newfpapers may, perhaps, be 
 deemed a hardfhip upon authors. But 
 then they have, in return, the comfort of 
 reflecting, what benefactors they are to the 
 revenue. Beiides, how eafy is it for them 
 to balance the account, by printing with a 
 large type, due fpace between the lines, 
 and a broad margin ? Great advantage 
 may be obtained by throwing their compo- 
 fitions into the form of letters, which may 
 be as mort as they pleafe ; and a reader of 
 delicacy thinks, the morter, the better. 
 A letter of fix lines is a very decent letter. 
 It may begin at the bottom of one page, 
 and end at the top of the next, fo that 
 eight parts in ten of what the reader pur- 
 chafes confift of blank paper : his eye is 
 agreeably relieved ; and if the paper be good 
 
 for
 
 174 OLLA PODRIDA. N'i 7 . 
 
 for auy thing, he has, upon the whole, no 
 bad bargan. 
 
 That the vehicles of intelligence, nume- 
 rous as they are, yet are not too numerous, 
 appears, becaufe there is news for them all, 
 there are purchafers for all, and advertife- 
 ments for all : thefe laft not only afford aid 
 to government, and are pretty reading, but 
 fometimes have an influence upon the im- 
 portant affairs of the world, which is not 
 known, or even fufpecled. 
 
 No event of latter times has more 
 aftonimed mankind, than the fudden 
 downfall of the Jefuits ; and various 
 caufes have been afligned for it. I am 
 happy, that it is in my power, by 
 means of a correfpondent at Rome, who 
 was in the fecret, to furnifh my readers 
 with the true one an anecdote, which, I 
 believe, has never before tranfpired. 
 
 It was owing, then, to an advertifement 
 in an Englifh newfpaper, which pafled 
 over to the continent, and, by fome means 
 or other, found its way to the Vatican. I 
 remember perfectly well to have read the 
 advertifement at the time, and to have 
 noted it down in my adverfaria, as I am 
 
 wont
 
 Ni;. OLLA PODRIDA. 175 
 
 wont to do, when any thing ftrikes me in 
 a particular manner. It ran thus : 
 
 " John Haynes, of St. Clements, Ox- 
 *' ford, begs leave to inform the public, 
 " that he alone poflefles the true art of 
 " making leather breeches fit eajy." 
 
 As the newfpaper containing the adver- 
 tifement came from Oxford, his Holinefs 
 and their Eminences immediately faw, that 
 in thefe laft words was conveyed a keen 
 though covert fatire upon the loofe cafujftry 
 of the fons of Loyola. A confiftory was 
 called, and Ganganelli formed his refolu- 
 tion. What followed, all the world knows. 
 
 I thought it but juftice to my worthy 
 friend Haynes, to mention thus much : and 
 as, by the introduction of fuftian, his trade 
 has long been upon the decline, I would 
 hope that every good protcPiant will forth- 
 with befpeak a pair of leather breeches 
 (and pay for them when brought home) of 
 a man who has given fuch a blow to Pope- 
 ry, and had the addrefs to effect what the 
 Provincial Letters attempted in vain. 
 
 From this inftant it is evident, that we 
 ought to read all newfpapers, country as 
 
 well
 
 176 OLLA PODRIDA. Ni 7 . 
 
 well as town, on which we can lay our 
 hands ; for we know not what we may 
 have loft, by miffing any one of them. 
 This enlarges the fphere of our refearches, 
 and the imagination riots in the delicious 
 profpeft. The journals printed at the two 
 univerfities muft always have an efpecial 
 claim to our attention. 
 
 I was feized, a few years ago, at a con- 
 (iderable diftance from our Alma Mater, 
 with a violent fever. James's powder 
 ceafed to be of fervice ; the phyfician of 
 the place, who had been called in, mook 
 his head ; and I began to think I mould 
 never more behold St. Mary's fpire, and 
 RadclifFe's libary. I was almoft fpeechlefs, 
 but endeavoured, from time to time, as well 
 as I could, to articulate the word JACKSON. 
 My attendants concluded me delirious, and 
 heeded not what I faid : till a lad, who 
 travelled as my fervant, coming acciden- 
 tally into the room, exclaimed eagerly, that 
 he would be hanged if his mailer did not 
 mean the Oxford newfpaper. It was fetched 
 by exprefs, and I made figns, that it mould 
 be read. The effect was a kindly perfpira- 
 
 tion.
 
 Ni7- OLLAPODRIDA. .177 
 
 tion, followed by a gentle fleep, from 
 which I awoke, with my fever abated, and 
 felt myfelf greatly refrefhed indeed. I 
 continued mending. On the Saturday fol- 
 lowing, "the julep, as before," was re- 
 peated ; and on Monday I arofe, and pur- 
 fued my journey. 
 
 There is one argument 'in favour of a 
 multiplicity of newfpapers, which I do not 
 remember to have met with ; namely, that 
 no man is ever fatisfied with another man's 
 reading a newfpaper to him ; but the mo- 
 ment it is laid down, he takes it up, and 
 reads it over again. It is abfolutely necef- 
 fary, therefore, that each mould have a 
 newfpaper to himfelf, and fo change round, 
 rill every paper (hall have been read by 
 every perfon. 
 
 A queftion has fometimes been debated 
 concerning the beft time for reading newf- 
 papers. But furely the proper anfwer to it 
 is, Read them the moment you can get 
 them. For my own part, I always dry 
 my paper upon my knees, and make ftiifc 
 to pick out a few articles during the ope- 
 ration. It has been fancied, that by read- 
 N ing
 
 178 OLLA PODRTDA. N 17, 
 
 ing of this kind in a morning (the feafon 
 marked out for it, fince Mr. Palmer's re- 
 gulation of the poft), the head of a young 
 academic becomes fo filled with an hetero- 
 geneous mixture of trafh, that he is fit for 
 nothing. But bona verba^ Fair and 
 foftly, my good friend. Why fhould we 
 not take up the. matter at the other end, 
 and fay rather, his mind is fo expanded by 
 a rich variety of new ideas, that he is fit 
 for any thing ? 
 
 i (hall conclude this fpeculation with 
 obferving, that we have juft caufe to he 
 thankful for the number of newfpapers 
 difperfed among us; fince, in a little time, 
 nothing elfe will be read ; it being nearly 
 agreed by all perfons of the ton, that is, by 
 all men of fenfe and tafte, that religion is 
 a bum, virtue a twaddle, and learning a 
 bore. Z. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XV1IL 
 
 SATURDAY, July 16, 
 
 edax rerum veteres cecinere Poet a, 
 At nojlrum tempus quis negat effe bib ax? 
 
 Of Eating time, old Poets rhyme, 
 But ours is furely Drinking time. 
 
 AGAINST Drunkennefs there are* 
 perhaps, no arguments fo ftrong as 
 thofe which may be colledled from the 
 fongs of Bacchanals. We are diffuaded 
 from it by the moralift, who reprefents it 
 as the fafcination of a ?ken, which wins 
 us over to vice, by fubduing our reafon ; 
 N 2 and
 
 i8o OLLAPODRIDA. N 18. 
 
 and we are invited to it by the fong of the 
 Bacchanal, as fomething which will footh 
 our cares, infpire us with joys vehement, 
 if not permanent ; and banim from our 
 minds the evils and the troubles of life. 
 The former feems to think, that this vice 
 has fo many allurements, as to require his 
 cautions againft our being feduced by it ; 
 and the latter, that it has fo few, as to 
 ftand in need of his recommendation of it. 
 
 Fcecun&i callces quern nonfecere difertum ? 
 Contratta quern non in paupertate folutum ? 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 Wine can to poverty content difpenfe, 
 Or tip the'ftammering tongue with eloquence. 
 
 In reafoning, thefe words will go no 
 farther than to prove, that he who is 
 poor may, by drinking, become in imagi- 
 nation rich ; or that he who ftammers may, 
 by the fame expedient, find the temporary 
 ufe of his tongue. The man who is not 
 poor then will recollect, that he {lands in 
 no need of fuch a receipt ; and he who 
 does not ffommer will think tEar remedy 
 unneceiTary which was intended to cure a 
 difeafe by which he is not afflicted. I can, 
 4 more-
 
 N i8. OLLA PODRIDA. 181 
 
 moreover, inform them, upon pretty goocl 
 authority, that this medicine has made 
 many a rich man poor, and deprived many 
 an orator of his fpeech. 
 
 Drunkennefs is further recommended to 
 us as the infpirer of courage,-^ / prtetio 
 trudlt inermem, it thrufts the unarmed 
 man to battle. That it has this efFecl is, I 
 believe, very true, and fo much the worfe 
 for the unarmed man. The teftimony of 
 a black eye, or a bloody nofe, the frequent 
 offsprings of a drunken frolic, are finking 
 proofs, that to go unarmed to battle is no 
 great mark of wifdom or delirable courage. 
 
 There are many perfons in the world 
 who meafure a man's qualities by his capa^ 
 city to hold wine ; the religion of thefe 
 good people is a bottle of port, their wit a 
 thump on the back, and their jokes upon 
 the whole no laughing matter. They are, 
 however, fo honeft, and fo difagreeable, 
 that a reafonable man will do any thing to 
 ferve them, and any thing to avoid their 
 company. I may, perhaps, incur the charge 
 of being envious, when I declare, that I 
 have very little fatisfa&ion in the prefence 
 N 3 of
 
 182 OLLA PODRIDA. NiS. 
 
 of him whofc only boaft is, that he is a 
 better man than myfelf by two bottles, 
 Wine, however, infpires confidence, wit, 
 and eloquence ; that is, it changes modefty 
 to impudence, ingrafts the art of joking 
 "upon dulnels, and makes a fiery-teller of a 
 fool, While thefe qualifications are worth 
 attaining, I would have fobriety confiderecl 
 as a vulgarity, if not ftigmatized as a 
 vice ; but when that ceafes to be the cafe, 
 I hope the liberal fpirit of tolerating prin-? 
 ciples, which is fo much the fafhion of the 
 age, will allow a moderate man, without 
 infamy, to fay, " I would rather not get 
 very drunk to-day." Indeed, I have reafon 
 to believe this might be brought to pafs, 
 having feen a gentleman, with great polite- 
 nefs, excufed from taking his wine, upon 
 his producing a teftimony from his phy- 
 fician, that he then laboured under a vio- 
 lent-fever ; or a certificate from church- 
 wardens of the parifh, properly authenti- 
 cated, to teftify that his aunt was dead. 
 
 I have often fuppofed, that there muft 
 be fome difgrace or impropriety in habitual 
 clruukennefs, from the many excufes which 
 
 are
 
 Ni8. OLLA PODRIDA. 183 
 
 are framed by perfons who indulge them- 
 felves in it. I know a fond couple (fond 1 
 mean of liquor) who are continually, " from 
 " eve to morn, from morn to dewy eve," 
 deluging their thirfty fouls in gin and 
 water. Mr. Morgan excufes himfelf be- 
 caufe he has loft money in the alky ; and 
 poor Mrs. Morgan complains of a perpetual 
 coldnefs at her ftomach. Some people find 
 an excufe for drinking in the lofs of their 
 wives, in which they are happily aided by 
 the proverb, that "Sorrow is dry." Others 
 drink to diffipate the cares and folicitudes 
 of matrimony ; and others, becaufe they 
 cannot be admitted to a portion of fuch 
 cares and folicitudes. Sufficient argument 
 therefore may be found, to make a notable 
 and legitimate drunkard of the bachelor, 
 the married man, or the widower. It is 
 difficult to afcertain amongft what clafs of 
 people this accomplishment is in the high- 
 eft repute. A firft minifter muft have 
 hours of relaxation, and a firft miin'fter's 
 footman thofe of entertainment : To ac- 
 complim which, the former has a right if 
 he pleafes to get " drunk as a piper," and 
 N 4 the
 
 184 OLLAPODRIDA. Ni8. 
 
 the latter, by the fame rule, " drunk as a 
 lord.'* 
 
 From the proverbial phrafe, which I 
 have had occafion to quote, " drunk as a 
 piper," and other circumftances, I am led 
 to conje&ure, that the fcience of drinking 
 has been cultivated with particular fuccefs 
 among muficians, 
 
 Qrteis liquidam pater 
 
 Vocem cum citbard dedit. 
 
 To whom Apollo has given, 
 
 To wet their wbiftle, and, handle the lyre. 
 
 The great man, whofe muflcal talents are 
 annually noifed in Weflminfter Abbey, was 
 no lefs the votary of Bacchus than of Apol- 
 lo ; and from a late newfpaper we learn, 
 that Mr. Abel, the celebrated performer, 
 amidft the joys of wine, either being little 
 ikilled in our language, or having drunk 
 until he was unable to fpeak any, caught 
 up his viol de Gamba, and with great ex- 
 ecution and good humour obliged the com- 
 pany with the ftory of Le Fevre. Such a 
 flory fo told to a man of quick apprehen- 
 iicn, a good ear, and tolerably drunk, muft,
 
 N*i8. OLLA POOR IDA. 185 
 
 no doubt, have proved a recreation intereft- 
 ing and entertaining. Yet I cannot but 
 rejoice, that there are many people in the 
 world who {till continue to ufe the old way 
 of telling ftories by word of mouth, and 
 who can join in a converfation without 
 thinking it neceflary to have recourfe to 
 FJharp. 
 
 lam, however, no judge ofthefe mat- 
 ters, and think it right to confefs that I am 
 no mufician ; and that the enthufiaftic rap- 
 tures of a drunken fidler 'convey to my 
 mind no ideas of the true fublime. 
 
 Thofe great geniufes who are not 
 thoroughly fatisfied with being vicious, un- 
 jefs they can find precedents for their vice, 
 may drink on under the fantion and au- 
 thority of Alcasus, Ar.iftophanes, and En- 
 nius. Dulnefs may ftill plead a right to 
 this indulgence, becaufe the unfteady prin- 
 ciples of heathen morality did nof ftigma- 
 tize it in Cato. I have already produced 
 examples, under which all muficians, poets, 
 fatirifts, and great wits, may melter tbem- 
 felves ; and 1 will undertake to furnifh the 
 fame kind of licenie for the barbers, the 
 
 deinifls,
 
 i86 OL'LA PODRTDA. Ni8* 
 
 dentifts, the carpenters, the glaziers, or 
 any other order of men who will depute an 
 embafiy to call upon me : I lhall only re- 
 queft, in return, that they will allow me a 
 trifling confideration, in their refpe&ive 
 branches. 1 fhall fiipulate for a triple bob- 
 rhajor, hecaufe Demofthenes fhaved his 
 head ; and to have my teeth drawn, becaufe 
 that orator had an impediment in his 
 fpeech ; I muft have a wooden leg, becaufe 
 Agefilaus was lame ; and a pair of glafs 
 eyes, hecaufe Homer was blind. I fhall at 
 leaft be fupplied with as rational apologies 
 for my deformity, as they will for their 
 drunkennefs ; and, in procefs of time, I have 
 no doubt, but it will be confidered as high- 
 ly ornamental to be bald-pated, fluttering, 
 limping, and blear-eyed. 
 
 To fay nothing of the immorality of 
 drunkennefs, I ^cannot look upon it as the 
 accomplishment of a gentleman. It feems 
 to me to b? in the fame clafs of polite fci- 
 ences with quoits, cock-fighting, tobacco- 
 chewing, and quarter-ftaff. 
 
 If we examine the character of Falftaff, 
 ia whom all the bewitching qualities of a 
 
 profefled
 
 N'i8. OLLA PODRIDA. 187 
 
 ^profeffed drunkard are exhibited, we (hall 
 find it fuch a one as few would willingly 
 think like themfelves. He has not onlv wit 
 
 
 
 himfelf, but is the caufe of it in other men. 
 He manifefts much good humour in hearing 
 the raillery of others, and great quicknefs 
 in retorts of his own He drinks much; 
 and, while he enumerates the qualities of 
 your true fherris, he (kil fully commends 
 what he drinks. Yet the fame character 
 is as ftrongly reprefented to us, a parafite, 
 an unfeafonable joker, a liar, a coward, -and 
 a difhoneft man. 
 
 There are, perhaps, fome few circum- 
 ftances under which the liberal ufe of wine 
 may be more eafily excufed ; but, while we 
 furnifh palliatives for- vice, we only multi- 
 ply the means to cheat ourfelves. 
 
 I mail conclude this paper with a few 
 remarks on the character of the drunkard, 
 from a pleafant * writer of the laft cen- 
 tury : 
 
 " A drunkard (fays he) is in opinion a 
 u good fellow, in pracHfe a living conduit; 
 " his vices are like errata in the latter end 
 
 * John Stephens, the younger, ofLincolnesInne, 161$. 
 
 " Of
 
 i88 OLLA PODRIDA. Ni8. 
 
 " of a falfe coppie, they point the way to 
 " vertue by fetting dovvne the contrary. 
 " There is fome affinity betwixt him and 
 " a Chamelion ; he feeds upon ayre, for- 
 44 he doth eate his word familiarly. He 
 *' cannot run faft enough to prove a good 
 " footman : for ale and beere (the heavieft 
 * element next earth) will overtake him. 
 " His nofe, the moft innocent, beares the 
 tf corruption of his other lenfes folly ; 
 " from it may bee gathered the emblem of 
 ** one falfely fcandal'd, for // not offending 
 " is colourably puni(h*d. A beggar and 
 ** Hee are both of one ftocke, but the 
 " beggar claims antiquity. The beggar 
 " begs that he may drink, and hath his 
 44 meaning ; the other drinks that he may 
 *' beg, and (hall have the true meaning 
 44 (hortly," &c. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XIX. 
 
 SATURDAY, July 21, 1787, 
 
 Rudh indigejlaque moles. 
 
 MA N Y of my readers will, perhaps, 
 compare this day's provifion to the 
 Saturday's dinner of a notable houfewife, 
 compofed of beef-freaks, and the fragments 
 of the week. 1 wifli them rather to coti- 
 fider it as an entertainment, to the furnim- 
 ing of which the prefents of my friends 
 have principally contributed, and wherein 
 it only remains for me to place the difhes 
 on the table.
 
 OLLAPODRIDA. N 19. 
 
 To ike A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 I BE a baker's daughter, and to tell 
 you the truth, fo much in love yon can't 
 think. Now, Sir, as you feems to be a 
 grave fort of gentleman, I dares to fay 
 you can read the hand, cad nativities, tell 
 fortunes, and all that, what now do you, 
 think, Sir, I will give you, if fo be that 
 you will tell rne for certain whether or no 
 I mall have Dick ? why fourteen kifies, 
 and that's a baker's dozen you know, and 
 fo no more from yours, till I'm married, 
 
 PATTY PENNYLESS. 
 
 To this fair lady the author of the Olla 
 Potfritla has only to reply, that he is not a 
 conjuror, nor indeed does he wear a wig* 
 However, by coiulting his books, he has 
 difcovered a few negative maxims^ by the 
 obfervance of which his Correfpondent may 
 .have Dick if Dick be worth her having. 
 
 Should
 
 N 19. OLLA PODRIDA. 191 
 
 Should he be extravagant in the praife cf 
 her beauty, fhe is advifed not to believe 
 him. Should he offer her a green gown 
 not to accept it In the difpofal of her ba- 
 ker's dozens, not to be profufc ; and, 
 moreover, not to be any perlon's till me is 
 married, not even her well-wiflier'b, and 
 fo no more. TARATALLA* 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 GOOD SIR, 
 
 1 AM an old Soldier, and though I fay 
 it, have feen and felt as much hard fervice 
 as any man, and have actually fought as 
 long as I had limbs to fupport me. My 
 legs, Sir, which at this prefent wntingare 
 no lefs than fourteen hundred Englifh miles 
 afunder, are buried (for aught I know) in 
 two different quarters of the Globe, and 
 will, alas ! never crofs each other again. 
 I have a hand, Sir, in two great kingdoms, 
 whofe names, for politic reafons, I think 
 proper at prefent to conceal, and only ad'd, 
 a that
 
 192 OLLA PODRIDA. N 19. 
 
 .that it is no impoflible thing for a man to 
 be in one country, and at the fame time 
 to have a hand in another. Such is my 
 fituation, Sir, that I am cropt clofe like a 
 Buckinghamfhire pollard, and have hardly * 
 a twig left upon my trunk. Now, Sir, 
 there is a knot of merry gentlemen in our 
 neighbourhood, who, forfooth, having legs 
 and arms of their own natural growth, are 
 pleafed to be confiderably witty on what 
 is left of me, and not infrequently extend 
 their pleafantry to the afcititious branches 
 which are engrafted upon me. I requeft, 
 through the medium of your paper, Sir, 
 that you will inform thefe wags, that my 
 arms and legs are formed from the fame 
 piece, and not of different kinds of timber, 
 as they have malicioufly reported ; and that 
 although I wear my common crab-trees 
 on common occafions, I have a pair of bed 
 mahogany fupporters for red-letter days 
 and Sundays. I am the more defirous of 
 their being informed of thefe particulars, 
 as I pay my addreffes to a well-favoured 
 middle-aged lady of iome fortune in the 
 village : and I would have you, her, them, 
 
 and
 
 N 19. OLLA PODRIDA. 193 
 
 and all the world to know, that I never 
 was fo ill bred as to pay her any compli- 
 ment on my common legs, nor did I ever 
 venture upon a f'alute but upon mahogany. 
 I am informed by my man who takes me 
 to pieces, and puts me together again every 
 night and morning, that thefe merry men 
 {lick at nothing to ridicule me. If you 
 would take my part againft the hid dogs, 
 you would very much oblige an old Gene- 
 ral, who hath, you find, long iince laid 
 down his arms, and is no longer able to 
 lift up a hand againft any coward who 
 prefumes upon his incapability to affront 
 him. JOHN CROP. 
 
 I hope I have taken the moft effectual 
 method to remedy Mr. Crop's grievances, 
 by flaring his account of them. 
 
 O
 
 j 9 4 OLLAPODRIDA. Ni 9< 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 I T has pleafed Providence to build this 
 veffel of mine of fuch crazy materials, that 
 a blaft or two of wind from the eaft north- 
 eaft quite overfets me. No fooner does the 
 weather-cock, which is erected on the cu- 
 pola of my pigeon-houfe, point at eaft, but 
 the rheumatic pains, pins and needles, 
 cramps, joint achs, pinches, contractions, 
 twinges, and the fciatica, attack me in all 
 my quarters. Whether our bodies, which, 
 I cannot help fometimes thinking, are made 
 for many ends, defigns, and purpofes, 
 whereof we are at prefent ignorant, may 
 not ferve as inns and baiting-places for 
 fwarms of infe&s which are at fuch times 
 on their journey to unknown regions, or 
 whether thefe piercing blafts bring down 
 upon us wretched mortals numberlefs invi- 
 fible fpears, arrows, knives, .and fwords, 
 which, acted upon by the force of the wind, 
 
 (heath
 
 foi 9 . OLLAPODRIDA. 195 
 
 fheath themfelves deep in our mufcles, 
 bones, and joints, I muft leave Sir to you 
 and the learned v/orld to determine. Thefe 
 ills very frequently put my thoughts, as 
 well as limbs, to the rack, to difcover their 
 real fprings and caufes, and I often medi- 
 tate upon this matter, until conceits of no 
 very common fhape and form are fhoft equi- 
 vocally generated in my N pericranium. 
 Sometimes I fancy that thefe guefts bring 
 with them on their wings a very peculiar 
 fpecies of animalcula, which, lighting oil 
 this our flefhly habitation, creep in like bats 
 and jack- daws into old caflle walls through 
 unnumbered and "imperceptible chinks, fif- 
 fures, and crannies of our rimofe and rim- 
 peled carcafes, where, when they have got 
 in, they keep a great ftir-about in quarrel- 
 ling, fighting, and making love ; in build- 
 ing nefts, and depofiting eggs, the produc- 
 tions of which, after we have been fome 
 time buried in the earth, leave us without 
 an ounce of flem to cover us. Thefe are 
 ftrange chimeras, Sir, and make me trem- 
 ble from head to foot in my great chair. 
 But) Sir, while I know my houfe is to be 
 O 2 fwal lowed
 
 196 OLLA PODRIDA. N* 19. 
 
 fwallowed down by an earthquake, the- 
 certainty of my being out of it, with all 
 rny treafures and valuables fafe and found, 
 when this accident happens, gives me an*, 
 unfpeakable pleafure, and a corn-fort at my 
 very heart. 
 
 I am, Sir, your humble fervant, 
 JEREMY CRAZYBONES. 
 
 The whimfical philofbphy of Mr. Cra- 
 zybones feems- to me to border on that 
 pleafant melancholy humour which fober 
 rationality fornetimes denominates madnefs. 
 When it is properly afcertaiiied, that he is 
 luirmlefs, and in good bodily health, I fhaU 
 endeavour to prescribe a medicine for hina 
 which may ferve to diflipate thofe chi- 
 maeras which make him Irernble fo in his- 
 arm chair. 
 
 T* the AUTHOR of tfo 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 DEAR SIR, 
 
 THE Spectator and others have always 
 thought proper to furnifh the public with 
 
 foms
 
 Ni9- OLLAPODRIDA. 19; 
 
 ieme defcrlption of their perfons and do- 
 meftic qualities. I wifh you likewife would 
 .communicate to your readers, whether you 
 are a tall or a mort man ; an horfe- back- 
 breaker, or a pantaloon ; whether you wear 
 a wig, or your own hair, and talk much 
 or little; with fuch other interefling par- 
 ticulars, defcriptive of your character and 
 appearance. I fuppofe you are neither a 
 iloven nor a coxcomb.*- Pray, Sir, are you 
 a batchelor or a married man ? 
 
 Yours, &c. MINUTIUS. 
 
 For information in all theft interefting 
 particulars, I (hall refer Minuti us to a view 
 of myfelf. If he has any ikiil in phyfiog- 
 norny, he will difcover every thing he 
 nviihes, when I inform him, he may fee 
 me any morning, between five and fix, 
 going toward Joe Pullen's tree. He will 
 know me by my red wa'ftcoat, and a pipe 
 ju my mouth. 
 
 3 To
 
 198 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 To the AUTHOR of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I HAVE a ftrong defire to fee my writ- 
 ings in print, though at prefent I have no- 
 thing to fay. I wifh, however, you would 
 infert this in fome corner of your paper, 
 and you will much oblige, 
 
 RICHARD BRIEF. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 t '99 ] 
 
 NUMBER XX. 
 
 SATURDAY, July 28, 1787. 
 
 Tb the AUTHOR of the* 
 OLLA PODRIDA, 
 
 Falfus honos juyat, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 SO prevailing is the love of fuperiority 
 in the human bread, that the mod 
 ftrange and ridiculous claims are fet up for 
 it, by thofe who have no real merit to of- 
 fer. It is, indeed, abfurd enough to value 
 onefelf for bodily perfections, or mental 
 powers, both being totally the gift of the 
 4 Supreme
 
 200 DLL A POD RID A. N 20. 
 
 Supreme Being, without the leaft merit on 
 our part. Nor is that confequence, arro- 
 gated from illuftrious birth, at all juftin"- 
 able, fince the proof of poflefling it can* 
 not arife higher than probability : All 
 ladies are not Sufannahs, nor all-, fervants 
 
 J 
 
 Joltphs. But (uppofe it allowed ; a good 
 man does not want that addition ; and to 
 a bad one, the virtues of his anceftors are 
 a (landing reproach. A lower kind of im- 
 portance is frequently aflumed from the ex- 
 cellence of one's domeftic animals, fach as 
 a fine pack of hounds, (launch pointers, or 
 fleet horfes, when the arrogator of their 
 merit has neither bred, chofen, nor taught 
 them j and has had no other concern with 
 them, than limply paying the purchafe- 
 money. How excellently does Dr, Young, 
 in his Univerfal Pafiion, draw and expofe a. 
 character of this kind 1 
 
 The 'Squire is proud to fee his Cqurfer ftrain, 
 Or well breath'd Beagles fwecp along t'*e 
 
 plain. 
 
 Say, dear Hippolirus (whofe drink is ale, 
 Whofe erudition is a Chriftmas Talc, 
 Whofe miftrefs is Caluted with a fmack, 
 And friend receiv'd with thumps upon the 
 
 back,) When
 
 N2o. OLLA PODRIDA. 201 
 
 When thy fleek gelding nimbly leaps the 
 
 mound, 
 
 And Ringvvood opens on the tainted ground, 
 Is that thy praife, let Ringwood's fame 
 
 alone ; 
 
 Juft Ringwood leaves each animal his own, 
 Nor envies when a Gypfy you commit, 
 And lhake the clqmfy bench with country 
 
 wit, 
 When you the dulleft of dull things have 
 
 faid, 
 And then a Ik pardon, for the jeft you made. 
 
 But of all the ridiculous pretensions to. 
 pre-eminence, that arifing from the place of 
 one's retidence feems the moft foolim, and 
 nothing is more common, and that not U 
 mited to countries, provinces, or cities, but 
 is regularly extended to the different parts 
 of this town of London, and even, to the 
 feveral ftories of a houfe. The appellatioa 
 of country-booby is very ready in the mouth 
 of every citizen and apprentice, who feels 
 an imaginary fuperiority from living in the 
 metropolis ; and any one who has feeu 
 London ladies of the middling order, in a 
 country church, muft have obferved, that 
 there they failed not to difplay a contemp- 
 i tuous
 
 202 OLLA PODRIDA. N 9 20. 
 
 tuous confequence founded on their cpming 
 from that town. 
 
 London is divided into the Suburbs, City, 
 and Court, or as it is ftyled, Eaft of Tem- 
 ple Bar, and Toother End of the 'To^n \ 
 and again fubdivided into many degrees, 
 and diftricts, each in a regular c)imax con- 
 ferring ideal dignity and precedency. The 
 inhabitants of Kent Street, and St.. Giles's, 
 are mentioned by thofe of Wapping, 
 Whitechapel, Mile-End, and the Borough 
 of Southwark, with fovereign contempt ; 
 whilft a Wappineer, a Mile-ender, and a 
 Boroughnian, are terms proverbially ufed, 
 about the Exchange and Fenchurch Street, 
 to exprefs an inferior order of beings ; 
 nor do the rich Citizens of Lombard Street 
 ever lofe the opportunity of retailing the 
 joke of a White-chapel fortune. The fame 
 contempt is expreffed for the cits inhabiting 
 the environs of the Royal Exchange, or 
 refiding. within the found of Bow Bell, 
 St. Bennet's, Sheer Hog, Pudding. Lane, 
 and Blow-bladder ftreet, by the inferior 
 retainers of the law in Chancery- Lane, 
 Id at ton Garden, and Bedford Row; and 
 
 thefe
 
 N 20. OLLA PODRIDA. 203 
 
 thefe again are confidered as people living 
 totally out of the polite circle by the dwel- 
 lers in So'ho, and the afpiring tradefman 
 fettled in Bloomfbury, Queen's, and Red 
 Lion Squares, in the firft flight from their 
 counting houfes in Thames Street, Bil- 
 lingfgate, and Mark Lane. The new 
 Colonies about Oxford Street fneer at 
 thefe would-be people of fafhion, and are 
 in their turns defpifed by thofe whole 
 happier ftars have placed them in Pall Mall, 
 
 jSaint James's, Cavendifti and Portman 
 Squares. Thus it is, taking this criterion 
 
 *of pre-eminence in a general view ; but to 
 defcend to a fmaller fcale, the Lodger in 
 the firfl floor fcarcely deigns to return the 
 bow of the occupier of the fecond in the 
 fame houfe, who, on all occasions, makes 
 himfelf amends by fpeaking with the ut- 
 moft contempt of the Garretteers over head, 
 with many fhrewd jokes on Sky Parlours. 
 The precedency between the Garret and 
 the Cellar feems evidently in favour of the 
 former, Garrets having time out of mind 
 been the refidence of the literati, and facred 
 to the Mufes ; it is not therefore wonderful 
 
 that
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. N 20 
 
 
 
 that the inhabitants of thofe fublitne regi- 
 ons mould think the renters of Cellars, in- 
 dependent of a pun, much below them. 
 
 Befides the diilin&ions of Altitude, there 
 is that of forward and backward-. I have 
 heard a lady, who lodged in the fore room 
 of xjie fecond ftory, on being a&e.d after 
 another who lodged in the fame houfe, 
 fcornfully defcribe her by the appellation of 
 *' the Woman living in the back room." 
 
 Polite fituations nc . only confer dignity 
 on the parties actually refid.ing on them, 
 but alfp, by emanations of gentility, in 
 ibme meafure ennoble theViciijity j thuspcr* 
 ions living in any of the back lanes or courts 
 near one of the polite Iquares or ftreets, 
 may tack them to their addrefs, 2nd there- 
 by fomewhat add to their confequen.ce. I 
 once knew this method pra&ifed with great 
 fuccefs by a perfon who lodged \\\ a court 
 in Holbourn, who conftantly added to hi 
 .direction, cppofite the Puke of Bedford* s^ 
 JJloofuJbury Square. 
 
 To prevent difputes refpeding the fupe-r 
 riority here treated of, I have with much 
 impartiality, trouble, and feyere ftudy, laicf 
 
 down
 
 N2a OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 down a fort of table of precedency, and 
 marfhaled the ufual places of refidence in 
 their fucceffive order, beginning with the 
 lowefl. Firft, then, ofthofe who occupy 
 only a part of a tenement, ftand, the 
 holders of flails, fheds, and cellars, to them 
 fucceed the refidents in garrets, whence 
 we gradually defcend to the fecond and 
 firft floor, the dignity of each ftory being 
 in the inverfe ratio of its altitude ; it being 
 always remembered, that thofe dwelling in 
 the fore part of the houfe take place of the 
 inhabitants of the fame elevation renting the 
 back rooms -, the ground floor, if not a (hop 
 or a warehoufe, ranks with the feeond ftory. 
 Situations of Houfes, I have arranged in the 
 following order ; Pailages, alleys, courts, 
 ftreets, rows, places, and fquares. My 
 reafon for thefe arrangements, 1 may, per- 
 haps, give on a future opportunity. 
 
 As a comfort to thofe who might de- 
 fpond at feeing thert lot placed in an hu- 
 miliating degree, kt them confider, that aii 
 but the firft fituatk>r>s are capable of pro- 
 motion ; and that an inhabitant of a Yard 
 or Court may, without moving, find him- 
 ielf a -dweller in a ftreet. Many inftances 
 
 of
 
 206 OLLA PODRIDA. N 20; 
 
 of this have very lately occurred. Does 
 ny one now hefitate to talk of Fludyer 
 and Grown Streets, Weftminiler ? and yet 
 both were, not long ago, fimpiy Axe Yard 
 and Crown Court, from which they have 
 been raifed to their prefent dignity, with, 
 out paffing through the intermediate rank 
 of lanes. In the fame manner Hedge Lane 
 is become Whitcombe Street j and Cum-, 
 berland Court takes the title of Milford 
 Place; and Cranbourn Alley has experien- 
 ced a (imilar elevation ; and any one, that 
 mould chance to call it lefs than Cranbourn 
 Street, would rifque fomething more than 
 abufe from the ladies of the quilting- frame, 
 and fons of the gentle craft refident there. 
 Tybourn Road has been created Oxford 
 Street ; and Leicefter Fields honoured with 
 the rank, ftyle, and title, of Leicefter 
 Square. 
 
 NUM-
 
 20 7 3 
 
 NUMBER XXI. 
 
 SATURDAY, Augiijl 4 , 1787, 
 
 H 
 
 MENANDER. 
 
 He who willingly extends his credulity to the 
 belief of calumnies, is a wicked man or fool. 
 
 THAT facred weapon, Satire, fo fel- 
 dom falls into hands able to wield it 
 with fortitude and difcretion, that if we 
 examine the chara&ers of thofe who have 
 arrogated to themfelves the office of fHg- 
 matizing vice, the refult of our labours will 
 oftentimes prove difappointment and regret. 
 
 Yet,
 
 208 OLLAPODRIDA. N 2 r. 
 
 Yet, as not every difappointment is with- 
 out Come ufeful leflbn, it may not, per- 
 haps, be quite unprofitable to offer a few 
 curfory remarks upon fome of thofe writers 
 who have paffed through the world under 
 the denomination of Satirifts. 
 
 To fix a period from which Satire may 
 be fuppofed to have had its beginning, is 
 to date the origin of that whofe exiftence is 
 coeval with the nature of man. The man- 
 ners of all times have furnifhed materials 
 for the pen of the Satirift ; and writers of 
 all nations have difcovered either their in- 
 tegrity in the proper ufe of it, or their 
 malevolence in the proflitution of it. That 
 Homer gave fufficient proofs of his abilities 
 to become a powerful Satirift, we have heard 
 in his Margites, and we have feen in his 
 character of Therfites. 
 
 The different regulations of the Greek 
 Comedy have been accurately and frequent- 
 ly ftated to us ; it is therefore unneceffary 
 to give a very minute account of what every 
 one is, or may be, fo minutely acquainted 
 with. In confequence of the licentious fa- 
 tire produced into public by Cratinus and 
 
 Eupolis
 
 N2i. OLLAPODRIDA. 209 
 
 Eupolis, it was decreed that no one mould 
 name another on the ftage* Under thefe 
 reftriclians wrote Menander and Philemon, 
 with the chaftity of whofe ftyle, and the 
 purity of whofe fentiments, we have reafou 
 to lament that we cannot be more inti- 
 mately acquainted. To them fucceeded 
 Ariftophanes, upon whom his biographical 
 vpanegyrift has been able to heap no other 
 commendation, than fuch as is due to the 
 mifapplication of abilities which might 
 have been ferviceable to his country, and 
 creditable to himfelf. 
 
 Let the reader of Ariftophanes dived 
 himfelf of his inclination to become ac- 
 quainted with the cuftoms of the Greeks, 
 and the niceties -of their language, and he 
 will find little in that author tending: to 
 
 o 
 
 make him a wifer or a better man. While 
 ribaldry is confidered as the perfection of 
 wit, fo long (hall we look for a model in 
 Ariftophanes; while the malicious exercife 
 of fuperiour abilires be commendable, fo 
 long (hall Ariftcphnnes be commended. 
 The humour of this writer is generally 
 low, and frequently obfcene ; his ridicule, 
 P from
 
 
 
 210 OLLA PODRIDA, N 
 
 from being mifapplied, rather difgufts his- 
 reader, than vilifies his objed ; and that 
 odium, which in the wickednefs of his heart 
 he would heap upon another, falls with 
 juftice upon himfelf. When we confider 
 the reputed elegance even to a proverb of 
 the Athenians, it is not without aftonifh- 
 ment that we mark the confequence of his 
 plays ; fcarce lefs than infatuation feems 
 to have actuated the minds of his audience, 
 By means of his warthlefs ribaldry the 
 finger of fcorn was pointed again ft JK&hy- 
 las, Euripides, and Sophocles ; and to his 
 too efficacious calumny Socrates paid the 
 tribute of his life. Plutarch, in his com- 
 parifon between Ariftophanes and Menan- 
 der, obferves of the former, "that his laiir 
 *' S ua g e i s tumid r fulJ of flagc trick, and 
 '* illiberality, which is never the cafe with 
 " Menander The man of fcience is of- 
 *' fended, and vulgarity delighted. He, 
 *' however, obtained popularity by exercif- 
 *' ing his wit againft the tax-gatherers ; he 
 " is remarkable (adds he) for having fo 
 " diftributed his fpeeches, that there is-ua 
 4 difference whether a father fpeaks or a 
 I " iaiiy
 
 N2i. OLLA PODRIDA, 211 
 
 " fon, a ruftic or a deity, an old man or a 
 " hero. In Menander it is diredly oppo- 
 " n*te." But the violence with which Plu- 
 tarch condemns the writings of Ariftopha- 
 nes may perhaps difcover that his judgment 
 was fomewhat biafled by his indignation 
 againft the Author. Thus far, however, 
 On all fides will be readily granted, that 
 could the fate of Menander and Ariftopba* 
 nes have been reverfed, it is probable, Co- 
 medy would have found a ilnndard of tafte 
 inftead of a precedent for licentioufnefs, and, 
 tiling fuch example, would have proved her- 
 felf the mirror of truth, inftead of the vehi- 
 cle of calumny. 7'he reader who has dii- 
 cretion enough to look upon Ariftophaoei 
 as the fkilful advocate in a bad caufe, may 
 be entertained by his writings, and not pre- 
 judiced by his opinions. But we are too 
 apt to fubfcribe without examination to the 
 di&a of acknowledged abilities : There is 
 little trouble in this, but much danger. 
 
 Of the Roman Satirifts we may fpeak 
 
 more favourably than perhaps of any fet of 
 
 writers, who have adorned any country. 
 
 The habits of their lives in general gave a 
 
 P 2 fancYiou
 
 212 OLLAPODRIDA. N 6 2n 
 
 fanclion to the gravity of their doctrines. 
 The conduct of Plautus was no difgrace to 
 his writings ; Lucilius gave no precepts of 
 virtue to others, which he did not exem- 
 plify in himfelf ; and to that heft writer of 
 the moft accomplished age, Horace, .who 
 (hall deny the meed of praife, which the 
 teftimony of his own times declared his 
 due, and the univerfal con fen t of fucceeding 
 ages has ratified and confirmed ? Equal to 
 him in ftrength of mind, and in virtue by 
 no means inferior, were Juvenal and Perfi- 
 us ; yet they had not that art and judg- 
 ment, the poflellion of which has made 
 Horace more read and admired, and the 
 want of which has made themfelves more 
 neglected. 
 
 The policy of the Gauls, and the terrors 
 of the Baftile^ have, no doubt, while they 
 curbed the licentiouihefsof a gay and lively 
 nation, at the fame time deprefTed the ardour 
 of many ingenious Satirifts ; That this has 
 been the cafe, the world has little caufe to 
 lament, iince the few, who have difcovered 
 themfelves in that country, feem rather 
 defirous of eftablifivtng a reputation for 
 
 them-
 
 N2f. OLLA PODRIDA. 213 
 
 i 
 therafelves, than zealous for the promotion 
 
 of virtue, They are content to be called 
 good writers, without ambition to be ac- 
 counted virtuous men. 
 
 In order to review fome of the beft Sati- 
 rifts of our own nation, we muft pafs over 
 the bigotry of one age, in which Milton 
 feems to have prefided, and the profligacy 
 of another, in which this land exchanged 
 the horrors of civil war, and inteftine dif- 
 gords, for the vicious luxuries of an ill- 
 fpent peace, which were ratified by the 
 countenancs, encouragement, and example 
 of a King, The wits of this age were 
 confident in their lives and writings, and 
 immorality was the characteriftic of both, 
 They leem to have agreed as it were with 
 univerfal confent, that " a tale of humour 
 was fufficient knowledge, good-fellowfhip 
 fufficient honefry,'' and a reftraint from the 
 extremes of vice, fufficient virtue, 
 
 If we defcend to what has been called 
 the Auguftan age of Englim literature, we 
 (hall find the fatirical works of that time 
 will not bear a very near infpedtion. It is 
 a lamentable truth, that the fame . pen 
 P 3 which
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 2 i. 
 
 which had been fo often and fo fucceis- 
 fully employed in the caufe of virtue ; 
 which had given immortality to the Mail, 
 of Rofs, and the compliment of truth to 
 Addifon, was unwarily led into an attempt 
 to pluck the laurels from the brow of Bent- 
 ley, and to gratify an unmanly malevo- 
 lence in the publication of the Dunciad. 
 
 The cenfures of Swift feem to have been 
 marked by habitual ill-nature ; and the com- 
 pliments of Young, by an habitual want 
 of diicrimination. And it generally hap- 
 pens, that the cenfures of fuch Satirifts, 
 and the commendations of fuch panegyrifts, 
 keep an equal balance, both weighing 
 nothing. 
 
 Nothing has, I believe, been more fre- 
 quently an object of ill-placed ridicule than 
 Learning, which, before it can appear ri- 
 diculous, muft be mifnamed Pedantry. 
 Every Homer has his Zoilus ; and every 
 Zoilus, like Homer's, is remembered only 
 to be defpifedk Whatever effect the attacks 
 of Ariftophanes upon the Tragoedians of 
 his day might have toward vitiating the 
 $afte of his countrymen, pofterity have 
 feemed willing to do juftice to thofe works, 
 
 in
 
 N 2i. OLLA PODRIDA. 215 
 
 in the admiration. ,x0i which the wifeft and 
 beft men of all ages have united. 
 .' i am inclined to believe t-hat the learning 
 of Dr. Bentley loft jio admirers from the 
 attacks of Pope, or the in^nua-tions of 
 ;Swift ; and an Ln.ftance, taken from times 
 Bearer our own, will, perhaps, place the 
 .odium of malevolent fa/tire in a Wronger 
 light. TO the trut^.of .thfis every one can 
 bear vvitnefs, who is acquainted with thofe 
 attacks which have been made by Churchill 
 and others upon Johnfon. That great 
 writer who, as he was a man, could not 
 but ,err, and as he was a wife man, could 
 jiot perfift in error ; who was no feeble or 
 time-ferying motdift, but the firm and 
 fyftematic t.eacher and pradtifer of virtue : 
 He ha (hewn us, that the fhafts of male- 
 volence may b.e turned afide, however 
 keenly pointed, or^ however "deeply em- 
 poifoned. The reader of Lexiphanes is ex- 
 cited to laugh without approbation j and 
 the attack of Churchill remains a melan- 
 choly inffonce of proftituted wit. What 
 (hall we fay of thofe, who, offended by no 
 public and growing vice, provoked by no 
 P 4 private
 
 216 OLLAPODRIDA. N 2 A. 
 
 private wrongs, in deliberate wantonqefs 
 fport with the characters of their neigh- 
 bours, whom they hold out to unjuft ridi- 
 cule, and unmerited reproach ? It is but a 
 weak apology for the bafenefs of their 
 hearts, that the produce of their pens may 
 afford amufement to the. idle, a,nd gratifi- 
 cation to the malevolent. But our reflec- 
 tions upon this fubject will be too applica- 
 ble to many of thofe publications which 
 are the difgrace and entertainment of the 
 times in which we live. -In the commen- 
 dation of fuch men, let all thofe join who 
 have learnt, from the writings of Shaftef- 
 bury, that ridicule is the teft of truth ; or 
 from the conduct of Voltaire, that calumny 
 is a cardinal virtue. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XXII. 
 
 SATURDAY, /%/? u, 1787. 
 
 The Briton Jlill with fearful Eye forefees 
 What Storm or Sunjfjlne Providence decrees ; 
 Knows for each Day the Weather of our Fate ; 
 A Quid nunc is an Almanack of State. 
 
 YOUNG'S SATIRES. 
 
 AMONG the various Employments 
 which engage the Attention of Man- 
 kind, it is not unpleafant to confider their 
 Topicks of Converfation. Every Country 
 has Tome peculiar to itfelf, which, as they 
 derive their origin from the Eftablifliment 
 of Cuftorn, and the Predominance of na- 
 tional Pride, are permanent in their Dura- 
 tion.
 
 2i8 OLLA PODRIDA. N 22 . 
 
 tion, and extenfive in their Influence. Like 
 flanding Difhes, they form the moft fub- 
 ftantial Part of the Entertainment, and are 
 ferved up at the Tables both of the Rich 
 and Poor. The Dutchman talks incef- 
 fantly of the Bawk .of Amflerdam, the Itar 
 Jian of the Carnival, the Spaniard of a Buljl 
 Fight, and the Englifh of Politicks and the 
 Weather. 
 
 That thefe lad - mentioned Topick$ 
 fhould gain fo great an Afcendancy over 
 jthe Englishman, is by no Means a Subject 
 of Wonder. la a Country, where the 
 Adminiftration may be changed in Half a 
 Year, and the Weather may alter in Half 
 a Minute, the quick and furprifing Vicifr 
 iitudes muft njeceflarily roufe the Atten- 
 ;ion, and furnilh the moft obvious fylateri- 
 
 ^ 
 
 als for Gonverfation. From the Influence 
 of that Gravity w(iich is remarked by 
 Foreigners to, be the Charafb^riftick of the 
 Inhabitants of Rritian, they are difpofed to 
 view thefe endemical Subjects ill a gloomy 
 Light, and tp make thern the Parents of 
 Jullen Diilatisfadion, and idea t l Di s ftrefs. 
 John Bull, with a contracted Brow, an4
 
 N22. OLLAPODRIDA. 219 
 
 furly Voice, complains that we hav$ 
 April in July, and that the greateft Patriot? 
 are fhamefully out of Place. All this may 
 be very true ; but, if his Worfhip could be 
 perfuaded to confefs his Feelings, he would 
 acknowledge, that the Gratification of 
 complaining is far from inconliderable, and 
 that if thefe Topicks, on which he vents 
 his Spleen, were taken from him, little 
 would remain to occupy his Mind, or fet 
 his Tongue in Motion. 
 
 Let us indulge, for a Moment, the 
 whimfical Suppofition, that our Climate 
 was changed for that of Italy, and pur 
 Government for that of the Turks ; the 
 Confequences are eafy to be forefeet a 
 general Silence would reign throughout the 
 liland, from Port Patrick to the Land's 
 End. We mould be all well qualified for 
 the School of Pythagoras. t Our Silence, 
 indeed, would fcarcely be limited like that 
 of his Scholars to five Years. Every Houfe 
 in England would refemble the Monaftery 
 of La Trappe, where the Monks are no 
 better than walking Statues. The only 
 Talkers among us would' be Phyficians, 
 
 Lawyers,
 
 220 OLLAPODRIDA. N 2 ?. 
 
 Lawyers, Old Maids, and Travellers. 
 The Phyfician might fatigue us with 
 his Materia medica, the Lawyer with his 
 Qui tarn Actions, the Old Maid with dif- 
 ficult Cafes at Cards, and the Traveller 
 with the Dimeniions of the Louvre with- 
 out Fear of Interruption or Contradiction. 
 We (hould look up to them as Students do 
 to Profeffors reading Lectures, and like 
 poor Dido feel a Pleafure in the Encou- 
 ragement of Loquacity. 
 
 * 6 Iliacofque iterum demens audire labores 
 
 " Expofcity pendetque Iterum narrantis ab or$. 
 
 " She fondly begs him to repeat once more 
 " The Trojan Story that fhe heard before ; 
 " Then to Diftraction charm'd in Rapture 
 
 " hung 
 
 " On every Word, and dy'd upon his Tongue." 
 
 PITT. 
 
 The Game at Whift would be played 
 with uninterrupted Tranquillity, and the 
 Cry of Silence in the Courts of Juftice 
 might be omitted without the fmalleft In- 
 convenience. In fhort, all the Englifh 
 who went Abroad would be intitled to the 
 
 Com-
 
 N'22. OLLAPODRIDA. 221 
 
 Compliment which was once paid a No- 
 bleman at Paris. A lively French Marquis 
 after having been a whole Evening in his 
 Company without hearing him articulate a 
 Syllable, remarked, that Milord Angloh 
 had admirable Talents for Taciturnity. 
 
 Prodigality prevails in Town, and Oeco- 
 nomy in the Country, in more Inftances 
 than may be at firft imagined. In town, 
 fuch is the Number of Newfpapers, that 
 the Coffee -Houfe Lounger may fate him- 
 felf, like a Fly in a Confectioner's Shop, 
 with an endlefs Variety. He may fee an 
 Event fet in all poffible Lights, and may 
 fuit it to the Complexion of his Mind, and 
 the Sentiments of his Party. Such is the 
 Advantage of a refined Metropolis, where 
 Profufion enlarges the Dominions of Plea- 
 fure in every Dire&ion, and fupplies the 
 greateft Dainties to gratify the vitiated Appe- 
 tite of Curiofity. In the Country ^ the Cafe is 
 widely different. In moft genteel Families 
 a folitary Paper is introduced with the 
 Tea-Urn and Rolls, but certain Reftraints 
 are laid upon the Manner of perufing it: 
 Half the News is read the firft Morning, 
 
 and
 
 222 OLLAPODRIDA. N in 
 
 and Half is referved for the Entertainment 
 of the next. This frugal Diftribution in 
 the Parlour is, without Doubt, adopted 
 from fomething fimilar which takes Place 
 in the Store-room. The Miftrefs of the 
 Family difpenfes the proper Quantity of 
 Pickles and Preferves, and then locks the 
 Door till the following Day. Our Affairs 
 in the Eaft are fettled at one Time ; whilft 
 the Burgomafters and the Princefs of 
 Orange are left to their Fate till another. 
 Enough is read to furnifh the Family with 
 Subjects for Converfation ; and, as Topicks 
 are not numerous, the Thread of Politicks 
 is fpun very fine. Little Mifs wonders, 
 when fhe hears Papa adjuft the Affairs of 
 the Nation, that he is not a Parliament 
 Man, and thinks that, if the King were 
 ever to hear of him, he would certainly be 
 made Prime-Minifter. 
 
 There is (if the Expredion may be al- 
 lowed) a Refinement in our Fears. A ra- 
 tional Apprehen (ion of impending Evil is 
 the Mother of Security, but the Mind that 
 Is terrified by remote Dangers is weak and 
 ridiculous. The Imagination is like a 
 
 Mag-
 
 N22. OLLA PODRIETA; 227 
 
 J 
 
 Magnify ing-glafs, which, by enlarging the 
 Dimeniions of dittant Objects, makes them 
 appear formidable. It is the Office of Rea- 
 ibn to place them in proper Situations, and 
 to fuggeft, that we are not expofed to their 
 Effects. The Neapolitan* who lives at the 
 Foot of Vefuvius, has juft Caufe for trem- 
 bling at the Symptoms of an Eruption ; 
 but, he may depend upon it, his Vines are 
 in no danger from the Volcanos in the 
 Moon. The Stock-Holder may well fear 
 the Confequences of the Belgic Commo- 
 tions. The Farmer, whofe Hay is feat- 
 tered over the Meadows, may, without the 
 Imputation of Weaknefs, be vexed at the 
 Torrents of Rain. B.ut why ihould the 
 Man, who has no Concern but to walk 
 from Cheapfide to White-Chapel, apply to 
 his Barometer ten Times before he ventures 
 out ? or be difturbed in his Dreams for the 
 Safety of the Grand Signior ? 
 
 A Club was once eftablimed by certain 
 Gentlemen, whofe Minds were too much 
 polifhed by their Travels not to banish 
 every Thing that is intercfting to John 
 Bull. Among their Rules and Orders it 
 
 was
 
 224 OLLAPODRIDA. N 22. 
 
 was enacted, That no mention ftiould be 
 made of the State of the Weather or Poli- 
 ticks, but that all their Converfation fhould 
 turn upon Literature and Virtu. It hap- 
 pened, that the Prefident of the Club, who 
 was a pretty Petit Maitre of twenty Stone$ 
 was attacked by a violent Ague. He was 
 feized with a cold Fit whilft adjufting a 
 Difpute between two Dilettantij whether 
 the Church of Santa Maria in Navicelli 
 was larger than Santa Maria in Vallcelli*, 
 This important Argument was interrupted 
 by the Prefident*s Digreffion in Abufe of 
 the Englifti Climate, which he declared 
 was calculated for no Beings under the 
 Sun but Draymen and Shepherds. Some 
 of the Fraternity talked peremptorily of 
 expelling him from the Society, for break- 
 ing their firfl Rule, and introducing a Sub- 
 ject which ought to be left to the Canaille. 
 After great Animofity, and abundant Al- 
 tercation, it was finally determined to ex- 
 punge the Rule, becaufe they could not 
 engage a Party who were fufficiently re- 
 fined by Liqueurs to be freed from the 
 Grievance of their Englim Constitutions. 
 
 It
 
 N22. OLLA PODRIDA. 225 
 
 It was once ferioufly difcufTed by the 
 French Academy, whether it was poffible 
 for a German to be a Wit. It would be 
 more worthy of the Sagacity of the fame 
 learned Body to determine, whether it be 
 poflible for an Englifhman not to be a Po- 
 litician. To form a right Decision, let 
 them converfe with what Order of Men 
 they pleafe, and they will find, that the 
 ruling Paflion is the Regulation of the 
 Political Machine. The Ferocity which is 
 natural to Iflanders may be the Reafon of 
 our being more difpofed to command than 
 to obev. Hence it is no uncommon Cafe 
 
 J 
 
 for a Man fo far to miftake his Abilities, as 
 to talk of riding the State Horfe, when he 
 is hardly expert enough to (hoe him. All 
 Perfons of all Ranks harangue as if the Se- 
 crets of the State would be beft entrufted to 
 their Difcretion, as if their own Addrefs 
 qualified them for the moft critical Situa- 
 tions, and the Judgment of their Rulers 
 fhould be fufpended until fuperior Sagacity 
 pointed out the right Path. Whilft the 
 Barber fnaps his Fingers among his Cuf- 
 tomers, he talks of managing the Moun- 
 Q
 
 226 OLLA PODRIDA. N 22. 
 
 tiers, and laying on Taxes without Op- 
 preffion. The Aldermen, at a Corporation 
 Dinner, do the fame over their Turbot and 
 Venifon. To compleat the Climax, thefe 
 are the identical Points which perplex the 
 Understandings of the King and his Coun- 
 fellors in the Cabinet. 
 
 Notwithfkn ding the Seventy of Military 
 Law, the different Orders of Society would 
 fuftain no Injury, if, like a well-difciptraed 
 Army, they neither broke their Ranks, nor 
 mutinied againft their Officers. A Family 
 is a Kingdom in Miniature : In that do- 
 meftic, but important Sphere of Govern- 
 ment, every Man of common Senfe is able 
 to ppefide. The Matter of a well -regulated 
 Houfe is more beneficial to the State, than 
 a Hundred political Declaimers. To curb 
 the Paflions, to fix religious Principles in 
 the Minds of Children, and to govern Ser- 
 vants with mild Authority, all ultimately 
 promote the beft Interefts of the Publick. 
 Obedience branches out into various Rela* 
 tions. The Debt which we demand from 
 our Dependants, we owe to our Governors. 
 Subordination is to a Subject, what Refig- 
 
 nation
 
 N22. OLLA PODRIDA. 227 
 
 nation is to a Chriftian. They are both 
 admirably well calculated to filence the 
 Clamours of Party, and adminifter the 
 Cordial of Content. Let the EngHmman 
 reprefs his Murmurs, by reflecting that he 
 is a Member of a Conftitution which com- 
 bines the Excellencies of all Governments ; 
 and that he breathes in a Climate which 
 permits him to be expofed to the Air more 
 JDays in a Year, and more Hours in a Day, 
 without Inconvenience, than any other in 
 Europe* 
 
 Q 2 NUM-
 
 C 228 j 
 
 NUMBER XXIIL 
 
 SATURDAY, Augujl 18, 1787. 
 
 ^uadrupedante put r em fomtu quatit utfgufa 
 cam f urn. VIRG O 
 
 AMONG the fources of thofe innu- 
 merable calamities which, from age 
 to age, have overwhelmed mankind, ma/ 
 be reckoned, as one of the principal, the 
 abufe of Words. Dr. South has two ad- 
 mirable difcourfes on the fubject ; and it is 
 much to be wifhed, that a continuation 
 could be carried on, by fome proper hand, 
 enumerating the words, which, fince his 
 time, have fucceffively come into vogue, 
 and been, in like manner, abufed to evil 
 purpofes, by crafty and designing men. 
 
 I It
 
 N'2.3. OLLA PODRIDA. 229 
 
 It is well known what ftrange work 
 there has been in the world, under the 
 >iiame ,and pretence of Reformation ; how 
 often it has turned out to be, in reality, 
 Deformation ; or, at beft, a tinkering fort 
 of bufinefs, where, while one hole has 
 been mended, two have been made. 
 
 I have my eye, at prefent, on an event 
 of this kind, which took place in very 
 early times, and is fuppofed to have been 
 produftjve of many and great advantages to 
 the fpecies ; I mean the alteration brought 
 about in the " oeconomy of human ivalk- 
 " ing ;" when man, who, according to the 
 bed and ableft philofophers, went original- 
 ly on four legs, firft began to go upon two. 
 I hope it will bz exculed, if I venture 
 humbly to offer Ibme reafons why I am led 
 to doubt, whether the alteration may have 
 been attended by aljl the advantages fo 
 fondly imagined. 
 
 There is fomething fufpicious in the 
 hiftory given of this reformation. It is faid 
 to have had the fame origin with that 
 afcribed by Dr. Mandeville to the moral 
 virtues. It was the " offspring of flattery, 
 
 Q 3 be ot
 
 23 o OLLAPODRIDA. ^23. 
 
 begot upon pride" The philofophers dif- 
 covered, that man was proud : they at- 
 tacked him in a cowardly mariner, on his 
 weak fide, and by arguments, the fophifm. 
 of which it might be eafy enough, perhaps, 
 if there were occafion, to unravel and expofe, 
 prevailed upon him to quit his primaeval 
 pofition ; and, whether fairly or not, they 
 coaxed him upon two. How far any good 
 is to be expected from a reformation found- 
 ed on fuch principles, the reader muft 
 judge for himfelf. 
 
 By the account, with which the authors 
 of it have furnimed us, thus much is cer- 
 tain, that nothing can be more unnatural: 
 and yet, fay theie philofophers, at other 
 times, " Whatever you do, follow nature ;" 
 a precept, which, in general, they feem 
 very well difpofed to pra6tife, to the beft of 
 their abilities. A child naturally goes on 
 all four ; and we know how difficult a 
 matter it is, to fet him an end, or to keep 
 him fo. He has not even the (lability of a 
 ninepin, which will (land, till it be bowl- 
 ed down. For my own part, I never fee a 
 child's forehead with a great bump upon it, 
 
 or
 
 N23- OLLAPODRIDA. 231 
 
 or fwathed up in a black-pudding, left it 
 fhould receive one, but I am irrefiftibly 
 impelled to bewail this pretended reforma- 
 tion, as a moft notorious and melancholy 
 defection from our primitive condition. 
 
 When the two children brought up to 
 man's eftate, apart from all human beings, 
 by the command of a king of Egypt, who 
 imagined, that the language which they 
 fhould fpeak muft neceffarily be the ori- 
 ginal language of the world When thefe 
 children, I fay, had the honour to be 
 introduced at court, amidft a circle of 
 all the learned and wife, and noble per- 
 fonages of that celebrated country ; hif- 
 tory bears her teftimony, that they pro- 
 ceeded up the drawing-room, and made 
 their way to the royal prefence, upon all 
 four. I am aware, that fome have thought, 
 they threw themfelves into that attitude, 
 from the dread and awe infpired into them 
 by the fight of Majefty ; others, ft ill more 
 refined, have fuppofed they might have 
 done fo, to adapt themfelves to the em- 
 ployment of thofe whom they found af- 
 fembled in that place, and be prepared 
 
 either
 
 23- OLLAPODRIDA. N 23. 
 
 either to creep, or to climb, or both, as op- 
 portunity offered. But I cannot apprehend, 
 that the courfe of their education could 
 have qualified them for fpeculations fo ab- 
 ftrufe as thefe ; and, therefore, I muft 
 take leave to fay, I look upon the fact to be 
 good evidence, that fuch was the attitude 
 proper to man. 
 
 I am dill farther confirmed in my opi- 
 nion, from that ftrong propenfity vifible in 
 mankind, to return to it again. The pof- 
 ture, into which we have been feduced, is 
 productive of couftant uneafinefs. We are 
 in a fidget from morning to night ; to re- 
 lieve us from which, the expence of chairs 
 and fophas is a very confiderable tax upon 
 our property ; and, after all, we cannot 
 compofe ourlelves perfectly to reft, but 
 when recumbent upon our beds. That 
 our fole bufinefs is with earth, univerfal 
 practice feems to determine. Why then 
 ihould we look after any thing elfe ? or 
 why be reproached with, O curvte in terras 
 anlmjs ! efpecially when we recollect the 
 fate of the poor aftronomer, who, while 
 he was gazing at the ftars, fell into a 
 ditch. It
 
 N 23. OLLA PODRIDA. 233 
 
 It deferves notice, that fome of our moft 
 diftinguifhed titles of honour are borrowed 
 from our fellow-creatures, the quadrupeds, 
 whofe virtues we are ambitious to emulate. 
 An accomplifhed young gentleman of fa- 
 mily, fortune, and fafhion, glories in the 
 name, ftyle, and title, of a BUCK. You 
 cannot pay him a greater compliment, than 
 by beftowing on him this appellation ; and 
 indeed, no one reafon in the world can be 
 afligned, why he mould walk upon two. 
 
 The opinion of a great commercial na- 
 tion, like our own, cannot with more cer- 
 tainty be collected from any circumstance 
 than from the management of the mofl 
 important article of finance. Now, we find 
 that article entrufted to the care of BULLS 
 and BEARS. And although a BEAR, which 
 is a quadruped, by a metamorphofis no lefs 
 fudden and furpriiing than any in Ovid, be 
 at times transformed into a DUCK, which 
 is a biped, yet it is obferved, that there is 
 a lomewhat aukward about him ever after. 
 He moves, indeed, but his motions are not 
 as they (hould be, and he is from thence- 
 forth laid not to walk, but to waddle. It 
 
 may
 
 9 
 
 234 OLLA PODRIDA. N2 3 . 
 
 may be added, that we never hear of a 
 Duck commencing dancing-matter ; where- 
 as Captain King informs us, " the Kamt- 
 *' chadales are not only obliged to the Bears 
 " for what little advancement they have 
 " hitherto made in thefeiences or polite arts, 
 " as alfo the ufe of fimples both internal 
 " and external; but they acknowledge 
 " them likewife for their danc'mg-majlers ; 
 " the Bear -dance among them being an 
 " exact counterpart of every attitude and 
 ** gefture peculiar to this animal, through 
 " its various funtions. And this dance is 
 " the foundation and groundwork of all 
 " their other dances, and what they value 
 " the mf elves mojl upon" 
 
 I could have wifhed, that one of thefe 
 Siberian teachers had been prefent the other 
 day, to have beftowed a led u re upon a 
 friend of mine, who had been inftrucled to 
 marfhal his feet in a tolerably decent way ; 
 to move forward by advancing one before 
 the other, and backward by Hiding one 
 behind another ; in fhort, he had attained 
 fome proficiency in what Dr. South {tiles, 
 
 that whimiical manner of fhaking the 
 
 " legs, 

 
 N23- OLLA PODRIDA. 235 
 
 " legs, called dancing? when, all at once, 
 holding up his hands in an angle of forty- 
 five degrees, with a countenance full of 
 ineffable diflrefs, and a moil lamentable ac- 
 cent, he exclaimed to the mafler, " But, 
 " Sir ! What fhall I do with THESE ?" 
 
 Nor is the complaint of my friend at all 
 fingular. For the truth is, (and why 
 fhould I diflemble it ?) that fince we have 
 left off to put our arms to their due and 
 proper ufe of fore-legs, they are ever in the 
 way, and we know not what upon earth 
 to do with them. Some let them dangle, 
 at will, in a perpendicular line parallel 
 with their fides ; fome fold them acrofs 
 their bofoms, to look free and eafy'; fome 
 flick them a-kimbo, in defiance ; fome are 
 continually moving them up and down, 
 and throwing them about, fo as to be at 
 variance with their legs, and every other 
 part of their bodies ; as was the cafe with 
 Dr. Johnfon, when Lord Chefterfield had 
 like to have fallen into a deliqumm y by 
 looking at him, and could confider the 
 author of the Englifh didionary fh no other 
 light than that of an ill-taught poflure- 
 
 mafler.
 
 336 OLLA PODRIDA. N23 
 
 inafter. Some thruft their hands, as far as 
 they can, into their breeches pockets. 
 This laft is a bad habit enough ; becaufe 
 they who find nothing in their own pockets 
 (which perhaps pretty generally happens) 
 may be tempted to try what they can find 
 in thofe of others. While fore-legs were 
 in fanYion, the limbs, .which are now the 
 caufe of fo much embarraffment to us, 
 had full employment : It might be aid, 
 " Every man his own horfe :" and when 
 one conliders the prefent extravagant 1 price 
 of horfes, one is induced on this account 
 alib to wifh, that it had {till continued to 
 he fo. 
 
 As I am upon the fubjecl of the reforma- 
 tions made in our perfons, I .cannot help 
 mentioning a little dab of one, effected in 
 an age fo diftant, that no fyftem of chrono- 
 logy within my knowledge has marked the 
 sera, much as. it deferves to have been 
 marked. The period is altogether un- 
 known, when our nature was firft defpoiled 
 of an appendage equally ufeful and orna- 
 mental I mean a TAIL ; for with an 
 eminently learned philofopher of North 
 
 Britain,
 
 N23- OLLA PODRIDA. 237 
 
 Britain, I am moft firmly perfuaded, that 
 it was originally a part of our conftitution ; 
 and that, in the eye of fuperior beings, 
 man, when he loft that, loft much of his 
 dignity. If a conjecture might be indulged 
 upon the fubject (and, alas ! what but 
 conje&ures can we indulge ?) I fhould be 
 inclined to fuppofe, that the defalcation, 
 now under consideration, was coasval with 
 the change of pofture, difcuffed above. 
 No jfeoner had man unadvifedly mounted 
 on tvjo, but his tail dropped off; or rather, 
 perhaps, in the confufion occafioned by the 
 change, it hitched in a wrong place, and 
 became fufpended from his head. But how 
 very eafy would it be, when the books are 
 cpen, to make a transfer^ and reftore it to 
 its proper fituation ? That very refpectable 
 perfon, whom Swift humouroufly defcribes, 
 as " lately come to town, and never feen 
 " before by any body,'* has been known, 
 upon fome occafions, to have appeared in a 
 lye-wig ; which, doubtlefs, was his full- 
 drefs, for balls, and other public affemblies. 
 But by way of light and airy morning 
 
 difhabille*
 
 238 OLLA PODRIDA. N 23. 
 
 difhabille, no one can doubt of his looking 
 admirably well in a queue. 
 
 I am fenfible this is a topic which re- 
 quires to be treated with the utmoft caution 
 and delicacy ; and, therefore, feeling the 
 ground to tremble under me, I fliall not 
 venture to advance farther upon it; but 
 from the difpofition prevalent among us to 
 copy the manners of creatures fo much 
 our inferiors, I fhall conclude by encourag- 
 ing my readers to hope, the time cannot 
 be very far diftant, when we (hall all have 
 our tails again, and once more go upon all 
 four. Z. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ 2 39 ] 
 
 NUMBER XXIV. 
 
 SATURDAY, Augufl *$, 1787. 
 
 To the A U T H O R of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 Rvfcia, die fodeS) melior lex, an puerorum 
 
 Nania. HOR. 
 
 * 
 
 IF all the qualities of the mind, or habits 
 of life, which are found to be mod 
 adverfe to Religion, to Chriftian Virtue, 
 and Spiritual Hope, were to be enumerated. 
 a felfifh fordid temper would not appear 
 the laft upon the lift. It is not intended 
 by thefe expreffions to point Out in grofs 
 terms a bafe avarice, an hardened churlifh 
 
 nature,
 
 240 OLLAPODRIDA. N2 4 . 
 
 nature, or the difingenuous craft of men 
 devoted to the world ; but to expofe a dif- 
 pofition better covered from contempt, re- 
 commended by careful inftruction, and un- 
 defervedly refpe&ed among men. 
 
 We are in hafte to withdraw the minds 
 of the young from wild and viiionary no- 
 tions of pleafure and of life : it is better in- 
 deed to remove fuch notions prudently and 
 feafonably, than to wait till difappointment 
 fnatches them away. Such gay romantic 
 fcenes as entertain them in the books they 
 read, fuch pleaiing views of manners, and 
 of perfons, elevated above the wants of life, 
 its coarfer inconveniences, its fulled irk- 
 fome hours, its attendant troubles and dil- 
 eafes, give but a falfe draught of the {late 
 of man. Thefe broken rays, perhaps of 
 loft perfection, cannot, we know, penetrate 
 far into the mades of life ; they are the 
 emanations of minds whofe early purity is 
 yet untainted by the common ordinary ob- 
 jects and purfuits, the padions and en- 
 gagements of real life, disfigured as it is. 
 It is true fuch views will foon be contra- 
 dicted by experience, by real images, by 
 
 dail
 
 N24. OLLA PODRIDA. 241 
 
 daily documents, by repeated and inevitable 
 truth : but reafon fhould not aflume too 
 much applaufe in fhaking off thefe vain 
 and empty notions ; though (he feem to 
 rife fuperior to them, (he finks in fat too 
 often much below them. The felfifh rea- 
 ibner and worldly monitor, in bamming 
 thefe phantoms, do not always fubftitute 
 more noble emulations ; they pluck away 
 the weeds and the wild flowers, but they 
 fow tares at lad. Thefe are the men who 
 fatten impudence by precept upon honeft 
 natures ; who rear and educate the bafer 
 paffions of the heart, endear them by fa- 
 miliar and popular names, point out their 
 advantage, their expedience and neceffity : 
 they chill the warmth of untrammelled and 
 difinte reded minds : they plunge themfelves 
 and others into felnfn fordid habits and opi- 
 nions, in order to avoid the folly or the 
 inconvenience of thofe which are childifh 
 or imaginary : they put away airy pleafures 
 and fpeculations, to addict themfelves to 
 actual grofsnefs. But can we continue the 
 dreams of fancy to the ends of our lives? 
 no more than we can the games and amufe- 
 R ments
 
 242 OLLAPODRIDA. N C 24. 
 
 ments of children. T ne hand of expe- 
 rience will pluck away our foft and glitter- 
 ing robes ; the fun will vanim from our 
 landfcape ; the leaves drop from our fhrubs; 
 and we muft learn to harden ourfelves 
 againft the true climate in which we are to 
 live. 
 
 Some tra'ces of delight from thofe fan- 
 taftic images of youth remain for recollec- 
 tion ; we acknowledge them as true fources 
 of pleafure, but we cannot recur to them. 
 Reafon compounds her judgements of dif- 
 ferent materials: .whatever is unnatural 
 cannot pleafe or edify t it cannot pleafe, 
 becaufe the fober mind can only be intereft- 
 ed by truth ; it cannot edify, becaufe fb 
 little of it can apply to ourfelves or others. 
 But the knowledge of thefe truths, as it is 
 applied by felfifli and worldly men, does 
 not improve the mind ; it rather injures 
 and contracts it. The ridicule, thrown upon 
 falfe pleafures and ideal amufements, leads 
 the Way to real fenfuality : the fear of 
 being deluded, and 'impofed upon, firft 
 abates the warmth of true benevolence, and 
 atJaft excufes churliflinefs and avarice. 
 
 What
 
 N24. OLLA JPbDRIDA. 243 
 
 What then do they gain too often by their 
 bonded experience, by their fagacity and 
 emancipation, but fuipicious hearts, nar- 
 row minds, grofs ideas inftead of fanciful 
 ones, real errors, genuine arrogance, and 
 fubftaritial ambition ? There are men in- 
 deed who*, under cover of a kind of wif- 
 dom, fecretly and indirectly deride all emi- 
 nent degrees of virtue as romantic and 5m- 
 prac-ticable : if you talk to them of plea- 
 fures, or of hopes, that do not meet the 
 fenfes, they will turn them into ridicule: 
 if you Ipeak to them of tendernefs, of cha- 
 rity, and zeal, they will demor.ftrate to 
 you how unfit they are for the purpofes of 
 life. But whether the juvenile and filly 
 inexperience of a warm imagination be well 
 fupplanted by the fubfequent inveterate at- 
 tachments, may be determined by a clofer 
 eftimate : and if it (hall be found that the 
 real, the fubflafttial, and immediate frui- 
 tion, fo preferred, involves a paradox, is 
 more a notion than the other ; deceives us 
 more by univerfal teftimony ; hurts us 
 more ; is more a madow ; more a dream ; 
 and has an iflue infinitely worfe, a fum of 
 R 2 covenanted
 
 244 OLLA PODRIDA. N 24. 
 
 covenanted ills,, of woes legitimate and per- 
 manent ; there will be little fcope remain- 
 ing for complacency, and ftill lefs expec- 
 tation of better habits to fucceed. 
 
 If we fhift only from the pleasures and 
 chimeras of imagination, to the purfuits of 
 appetite ; if keen deiires, or real nakednefs, 
 fucceed thefports and mafquerade of fancy j 
 the change will not be flattering. It is 
 matter rather of difgrace than gratulation 
 that we are fubjecl, in ourchofen pleafures, 
 to the rule and the caprice of prefent things j 
 the fund and objects of the fenfes. 
 
 But to "draw nearer to the mark and end 
 of thefe reflections it is clear that fuch 
 imaginary purfuits, fuch wild and empty 
 notions, as were firfl reprefented, fuch a 
 temper of mind, occupied in fanciful no- 
 tions, will be found lefs abhorrent from 
 what is truly excellent, will be more eafily 
 converted into right and lively impreffions 
 of what is really delirable and eminent, 
 than that well-compacted, that proud and 
 fenfual difpofition, which is confirmed by 
 folid enjoyment, fuch as it is, by the real 
 fruits of worldly prudence, of temporal 
 
 acqui-
 
 N24- OLLAPODRIDA. 245 
 
 acquifitions, temporal gratifications, or tem- 
 poral diftinction. The wild conceits and 
 Speculations of the -young difclofe a tafte 
 for fome fuperior kinds of pleafure, which 
 is fupported by the fancy before it finds a 
 truer foundation to point out that foun- 
 dation, is the ultimate defigu of thefe re- 
 marks ; that when the mind outgrows the 
 thoughtlefs fports of childhood, or the ideal 
 pageantries of youth, neceffity or appetite 
 may neither bend the neck to earth, nor fur- 
 nifh objects to keep up through life an 
 eafier chace, which leaves us weary when, 
 the day declines, ill-repaid by exercife 
 alone, or by a dead and worthlefs prize. 
 
 To kindle in the foul a purer flame, 
 whofe radiance may difpel the glooms of 
 life ; to give the mind an object adequate to 
 its fublimeft fcope and comprehenfion ; to 
 cherifh regular and reafonable aclions, cal- 
 culated to an end confident, abfolute, and 
 unequivocal ; to preclude thofo blank and 
 cheerlefs hours which harraffed appetite and 
 overworn invention, which difappointment 
 cr fatiety, which uniformity or fullennefs 
 of
 
 246 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 24. 
 
 of temper, which the calms or clouds of 
 life, muft leave in thofe who terminate 
 their views upon the prefent fcene, whp 
 take new colours from the fhifting hues of 
 all things round them, and fluctuate on all 
 their changes ; to lift the heart, and raife 
 the front of man ; mould be the care of ten- 
 der relatives and ikilful guides j of fuch as 
 cannot but defire, that they, on whom they 
 have entailed their weaknefs and their fqr- 
 rows, mould be partners allb in their hopes 
 oiT earth, and in their future glories. 
 
 fo furniih fcenes analogous to thofe 
 which fancy trod before, but opened to the 
 ftedfaft eyes of reafqn and of hope, revealed 
 to calm and ^falutary fpeculafion, and en- 
 fured in their reveriiofl ; to trace out prof- 
 peels far more raviming than all the pages 
 of romance could feign, yet neither inac- 
 geflible nor viiionary, but properly anp 
 truly fuch as may concern and iqtereft us,, 
 and may be our inheritance and our por- 
 tion ; to keep the pureft faculties, the 
 nobleft energies of intellect, the powers 
 and compafs of the foul, exalted, an4 
 
 afcendaiit.
 
 N 24. OLLA PODRIDA. 247 
 
 afcendant, elevated high above the tranfient 
 and embarrafled fcene of temporal viciffi- 
 tudes and exigencies j fhould be the proper 
 aim of the Philofopher, and is the great 
 prerogative of the 
 
 CHRISTIAN. 
 
 R4 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XXV. 
 
 SATURDAY, September i, 1787, 
 
 Ttecipimur fpede. 
 
 THERE are, I believe, no paths of 
 literature fa befet with difficulties as 
 definition and biography. Of difficulties 
 unfurmonnted in biography we have la- 
 mentable inftances in thofe adventurers 
 v/ho have attempted to write the life of 
 Johnfon ; and the errors of definition are 
 fufficiently apparent in thofe, who have 
 laboured to inftruft the world wherein con- 
 fifts true politenefs. 
 
 From
 
 JsF25. OLLAPODRIDA. 249 
 
 From the writings of Lord Chefterfield 
 we colled, that politenefs confifts in the 
 namelefs trifles of an eafy carriage, an un- 
 embarrafled air, and a due portion of fu- 
 percilious effrontery, The Attainment of 
 thefe perfections is the grand object to 
 which the Son of many a fond and foolifh 
 parent is directed, from whofe conduct one 
 might reafonably fuppofe they thought 
 every accomplimment, neceffary or orna- 
 mental to man, attainable through the 
 medium of the Taylor, the Hair-dreffer, 
 and the Dancing-mafter ; referving only 
 for the mind fuch falutary precepts as may 
 tend to infptre pertnefs and infolent confi- 
 dence. 
 
 In the Galateo of the *Archbimop of 
 Benevento are contained all the rules which 
 are neceffary to introduce a perfon into 
 company, and to regulate his behaviour 
 when introduced. Yet I cannot but think 
 the plan of this, and every other treatife, 
 too much confined, which would inform 
 us, that it is the principal end of this qua- 
 lification to fix the minutiae of dreis, and 
 
 * Monfign. Giovanni de la Cafa. 
 
 reduce
 
 3 5 P QLLA PODRIDA. N 25. 
 
 reduce manners to a fyftem. He is fup- 
 pofed to have attained the fummit of po- 
 litenefs, who can take an apparent intereft 
 in the concern of people for whom he 
 has no regard ; be earnefr. in enquiries after 
 perfons for whofe welfare he is not folici- 
 s; tous ; and difcipline his how, his fmile, 
 and his tongue, to all rules of ftudied gri 
 mace, and agreeable infipidity* Thus, 
 that politenefs of which we hear fo much, 
 the race which every toothlefs dotard has 
 run, and the goal to which every beardlefs 
 fool is haftening, is only an hypocritical 
 (hew of feelings we do not poflefs ; an art 
 by which we conciliate the favour of 
 others to our own intereft. The two cha- 
 racters which are generally contrafted 
 with each other, in order to (hew the per- 
 fection of politenefs, and the extreme of its 
 oppofite, are the Soldier and the Scholar : 
 The former is exhibited to us with all the 
 ornament of graceful manners and bodily 
 accomplifhments, with the advantages of 
 early intercourfe with the world, and the 
 profit of obfervation from foreign travel. 
 The advantages here enumerated will, I 
 
 fear,
 
 N 25. OLLA PODRIDA. 251 
 
 fear, upon a nearer furvey of them, appear 
 yilionary and unfubftantial, and not iuch 
 as are likely in the end to juftify the hopes 
 of th.ofe who, in the great love for their 
 /country, remove their fons from fchool 
 before they can have.anfwered any end for 
 Bfifhich they were fent thither ; and pro- 
 duce them to the world before they can 
 have any fixed principle to be the guide of 
 their conduct. They make obiervations, 
 of which ignorance and wonder are the 
 .fource; they form opinions in which 
 judgment has no (hare; they travel, an$ 
 he who fets out a Mummius is foolimly 
 expelled o return home a Casfar. In 
 enumerating the disadvantages under which 
 the Scholar labours, we are reminded, that 
 a ftudious and fedentary life are too apt to 
 generate pee vim and morofe habits, the 
 bane of lociety, and the torment of their 
 own pqffeflbr. We are told, that the 
 Student, receiving no inpreffions but fuch 
 as books are likely to make, cannot apply 
 his obfervations to the ufage of common 
 lite ; that he forms Utopian opinions, and 
 js furprized tp find they cannot be realized ; 
 
 that
 
 252 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 25. 
 
 that he becomes jealous of the dignity of 
 literature, for which the world feems to 
 have too little refpeft ; and that the life, 
 which was begun with the hopes of excel- 
 ling in thofe purfuits wherein he finds few 
 competitors, is at length concluded in the 
 difappointment of expected reputation ; or 
 the fcarce more fenfible gratification of 
 triumphs thinly attended, and applaufes 
 partially given. In fuch colours is the flu-* 
 dious man painted to us, by our arbiters 
 cf elegance, who, in their obliging zeal for 
 the regulation of our manners, confound 
 learning with pedantry ; and, under pre 
 tence of removing from us a trifling evil, 
 would rob us of a fubflantial good. 
 
 *' Learning, fays Shenftone, like money, 
 *' may be of fo bafe a coin, as to be utterly 
 ** void of ufe ; or, if flerling, may require 
 ** good management to make it ferve the 
 46 purpofes of fenfe and happinefs." What 
 Shenftone has here with truth affirmed may 
 be, there are others who have ventured 
 with fome confidence to declare mujl be. 
 
 True as it is, it would no doubt appear 
 a paradpx to many, fhould any one affirm, 
 
 that
 
 N25. OLLA PO.DRIDA. 253 
 
 that the fu reft method of attaining politenefs 
 is to feek it through the medium of litera- 
 ture. We mould have thought lefs of the 
 politenefs of Ctcfar, but for the author of 
 his Commentaries. Chricht6n would not 
 have been called the mirror of politenefs, 
 merely for his fkill in the tournament, nor 
 would <6 Granvilie the polite*' have been 
 the theme of Mr. Pope's fbng, for his 
 addrefs in entering a room. The truth is, 
 we miftake a mental qualification for a bo- 
 dily one. We expedl politenefs to be 
 conveyed to us with our coat from the 
 taylor, or that we may extract it from the 
 heel of a dancing-mailer, when in fact it Is 
 only to be obtained by cultivating the un- 
 derftanding, and imbibing that fenfe of 
 propriety in behaviour, with which the 
 deportment of the boc'y has but at beft a 
 fecondary concern. I know not why it is, 
 but from our mifinterpretation of the word, 
 that politenefs, when applied to a virtuous 
 action, immediately becomes ridiculous. 
 Who would not fuppofe, the chaftity of 
 the Roman General ironically commended, 
 who mould call that the politenefs of ?ci- 
 
 7
 
 254 OLLA PODRIDA. N 6 25. 
 
 pio, which others have called his conti- 
 nence ? Or would not the congregation of 
 a grave Divine be forriewhat furprized to 
 hear their preacher celebrating the polite- 
 nefs of the good Samaritan ? Yet thefe 
 acts are the fubftance of that virtue, to 
 whofe madow we compliment away our 
 rights and opinions, frequently our honef- 
 ty, and fometimes our interefts. 
 
 * Politenefs," fays a good author of ouf 
 own time, " is nothing more than an ele- 
 " gant and concealed Ipecies of flattery, 
 " tending to put the perfon to whom it is 
 " addrefied in good humour and refpect 
 " with himfelf." 
 
 It is rather, in my opinion < the badge of 
 an enlightened mind, and, if not a pofitive 1 
 virtue in itfelf, it is at leaft a teftimony 
 that its poffeflor has many qualifications 
 which are really fuch. It lives in every 
 article of his conduct, and regulates his be- 
 haviour on ^every occafion, not according 
 to the whimfical and capricious rules of 
 famion, but according to fome fixed prin- 
 ciples of judgement and propriety. It pre- 
 vents the impertinence of unfeafonable jok- .
 
 Nl5- OLLAPODRIDA. 255 
 
 ing, it reftrains wit which might wound 
 the feelings of another, and conciliates fa- 
 vour, not by " an elegant and concealed 
 " flattery," but by a viiible inclination to 
 oblige, which is dignified and undhTem- 
 bled. To the acquifition of this rare qua- 
 lity fo much of enlightened imderftanding 
 is neceflary, that I cannot but confider 
 every book in every good fcience, which, 
 tends to make us vvifer, and of courfe better 
 men, as a treatife on a more enlarged iyi- 
 tem of politenefs, not excluding the experi- 
 ments of Archimedes, or the elements of 
 Euclid. It is a jufl obfervation of Shen- 
 ftoiie, that a fool can neither eat, nor drink, 
 nor ftand, nor walk, nor in fhort laugh, nor 
 cry, nor take fnurT, like a man of fenfe. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 SATURDAY, September 8, 1787, 
 
 WHEN I have had the good fortune 
 to light upon any fubject which 
 has been relimed by the nice difcerning 
 palate of the publick, it is my cuftom to 
 try whether fomething more cannot be 
 made of it: for having entered upon bufi- 
 nefs with a moderate flock only in trade, it 
 is expedient for me to hufband it well, and 
 to throw nothing away that can be ufed 
 again. Being born with an antipathy to 
 plagiarifm, I will be free to confefs (as gen- 
 tlemen exprefs it in the Houfe of Com- 
 mons)
 
 N26. OLLA PODRIDA. 257 
 
 rnons) that I took the hint from my land- 
 lord of the Red Lion at Brentford ; who, 
 when fome punch was called for, and there 
 was no more fruit in the houfe, was over- 
 heard to fay, in a gentle voice, to Mrs* 
 Bonny face, " Betty, Ca'fn't give the old 
 " lemons t'other fqiieeze ?" 
 
 I have demon ftrated, upon a former oc- 
 cafion I mould hope, to the fatisfaclion of 
 every impartial perfon in Great Britain 
 the manifold advantages accruing to the 
 community from the multiplication of 
 newfpapers among us. It has fince occur- 
 red to me, that fome directions might be 
 given, as to the befr method of reading a 
 iiewfpaper with profit and advantage. I 
 mean not, , whether it fhould be read lon- 
 gitudinally, latitudinally, or tranfverfely ; 
 though very great additions have been made 
 to fcience by experiments of this kind ; but 
 how it may be rendered productive of re- 
 flections in different ways, which will prove 
 of real fervice in life. 
 
 I was not a little pleafed, the other day, 
 upon paying a vifit at the houfe of a perfon 
 of diftinclion in the country ^ to find the 
 
 S family
 
 258 OLLAPODRIDA. N 26. 
 
 family aflembled round a large ^ table, co- 
 vered with maps, and globes, and books, 
 at the upper end of which fat a young lady 
 like a profefFor reading from the chair. In 
 her hand fhe held a newfpaper. Her father 
 told me, he had long accuftomed her, while 
 reading one of thofe vehicles of intelli- 
 gence, to acquaint herfelf with the feverai 
 towns and countries mentioned, by turning 
 to the names in Salmon's Gazetteer, and 
 then finding them out upon the globe, or a 
 map ; in which fhe was become fo great a 
 proficient, as to be at that time in truth 
 giving a lecture in geography to her younger 
 brothers and fifiers. It was his farther in- 
 tention, he faid, that from Campbell's 
 Prefent State of Europe , fhe mould acquire 
 a jfficient knowledge of the hiftory of the 
 kingdoms around us, as well as our own, 
 to form an idea of their importance and Jn- 
 terefls refpecYively, and the relation each 
 bears to the reft. Verily, thought I to 
 myfelf, this is reading a aewfpaper to fome 
 purpofe ! 
 
 Children,
 
 N 26. OLLAPODRIDA. 259 
 
 Children, very early in life, are eager for 
 a fight of the newfpaper. By being called 
 upon, in a free and eafy way, for fome 
 little account of what is in it, they may be 
 gradually brought to read with attention, 
 and to fix upon thofe articles which are 
 mod worthy of attention ; as alfo to re- 
 member what they have read, from one day 
 to another, and put things together. 
 
 While we are in the world, we muft 
 converfe with the world ; and the conver- 
 fation, in part, will turn on the news of 
 the day. It is the firft fubject we begin 
 upon ; a general introduction to every thing 
 elfe. All mankind, indeed, are our bre- 
 thren, and we are intcrefted, or ought to 
 be interefted, in their pleafures and their 
 pains, their filtering?, or their deliverances, 
 throughout the world. Accounts of thefe 
 fhould produce in us fuitable emotions, 
 which would tend to the exercife of differ- 
 ent virtues, and the improvement of our 
 tempers. We mould accuftom ourfelves 
 hereby to rejoice with thofe who do rejoice, 
 and fympathife with thofe who mourn. 
 
 S 2 When
 
 2 6o OLLA PODRIDA. N 26. 
 
 When any country is likely to become 
 the theatre of remarkable events and revo- 
 lutions (as, for inftance, Holland, at this 
 prefent moment), it is worth one's while 
 to refrefh one's memory with the hiftory 
 of that country, its conftitution, and.* the 
 changes it has heretofore undergone, the 
 nature and difpofition of the people, &c. 
 a fort of knowledge which is fure to be 
 called for. The man who makes himfelf 
 perfect and correct in it, will gain credit, 
 and give pleafure, in every company, into 
 which it may happen to fall. 
 
 Whatever inftrucYion is reaped from hif- 
 tory, may be reaped from a newfpaper, 
 which is the hiftory of the world for one 
 day : It is the hiftory of that world in 
 which we now live, and with which we 
 arc, confequently, more concerned than 
 with thofe which have paffed away, and 
 exift only in remembrance : though, to 
 check us in our too fond love of it, we 
 may confider, that the prefent likewife will 
 foon be paft, and take its place in the re- 
 poiitories of the dead. 
 
 There
 
 N26. OLLAPODRIDA. 261 
 
 There is a paflnge in the Night Thoughts, 
 which I cannot refift the temptation of 
 transcribing, as it contains one of the mofr. 
 aftoni(hing flights of the human imagina- 
 tion, upon this awful and important iub- 
 jeft, the transient nature of all fublunary 
 things : 
 
 Nor man alone ; his breathing bnft expires ; 
 His tomb is mortal ; empires die ; where, 
 ^ now, 
 The Roman, Greek ? They flalk, an empty 
 
 name ! 
 
 Yet few regard them in this ufcful light, 
 Th'o' half our learning is their epitaph. 
 When down thy vale, unlock'd by midnight 
 
 thought, 
 
 That loves to wander in thy funlefs realms, 
 O Death! I ilretch my view; what virions rife ! 
 What triumphs ! Toils imperial ! Arts divine ! 
 In wither'd laurels glide before my fight ! 
 What lengths of far-fam'd ages,billow'd high 
 With human agitation roll along 
 In unfubftantial images of air ! 
 The melancholy ghofts of dead renown, 
 Whifp'ring faint echoes of the world's ap- 
 
 plaufc, 
 With penitential afpec~V., as they pafs, 
 
 S 3 All
 
 262 OLLA PODRIDA. N 26. 
 
 All point at earth, and hifs at human pride, 
 
 The wifdom of the wife, and prancings of 
 
 the great. NIGHT IX. 
 
 Accounts of the moft extraordinary events 
 in old time are now perufed by us with the 
 utmoft indifference. With equal indiffer- 
 ence will the hiftory of our own times be 
 perufed by our defcendants ; and a day is 
 coming, when all pafl tranfadtions will 
 appear in the fame light, thofe only ex- 
 cepted, by a coniideration of which we 
 have been made wifer and better. 
 
 There are few, perhaps, by which we 
 may not become fo. 
 
 What nobler employment for the human 
 mind, than to trace the defigns of Provi- 
 dnce in the rife and fall of empires ; the 
 overthrow qf one, and the eftablifhment of 
 another upon its ruins ! to watch diligently 
 the different fteps by which thefe changes 
 are effected ! to obferve the proceedings of 
 the great Ruler of the univerfe, always in 
 fh"it conformity to the rules with which 
 he himfelf has furnjmed us ! to behold 
 generals with their armies, and princes 
 \yith their people, executing bis counfels 
 
 while
 
 N2& OLLA PODRIDA. 263 
 
 while purfuing their own ! to view upon 
 the flage of the world, thofe fcenes which 
 are continually (hifting, the different actors 
 appearing in fucceflion, and the gradual 
 progrefs of the drama, each incident tend- 
 ing to develope the plot, and bring on the 
 final cataftrophe ! 
 
 In the midft of thefe fecular commotions 
 
 
 
 thefe conflicts of contending nations, it is 
 ufeful to obferve the effects produced by 
 them on the (late of religion upon the 
 earth ; while, among the powers of the 
 world, fome protect, and others perfecute ; 
 fome endeavour to maintain it in its old 
 forms, and others wifh to introduce new ; 
 all perhaps, more or lefs, aim at convert- 
 ing it into an engine of ftate, to ferve th-eir 
 own purpofes, and to avr.il themfelves of 
 that influence which it niuft always have 
 on the minds of men. Above and beyond 
 thefe human machinations, a difcerning 
 eye fees the controuling power of Heaven ; 
 Religion preferved amidft the tumultuous 
 fluctuations of politics ; and the Ark fail- 
 ing in fafety and fecurity on the waters 
 which threatened to overwhelm it. 
 
 S 4 When
 
 364 OLLA PODRIDA. N 26. 
 
 When \ve read of the events taking 
 place in our own country, the fubjects be- 
 come more interesting, and we are in dan- 
 ger of having our paffions rouzed and fo- 
 mented. Let us therefore be upon our 
 guard, judging of nothing by fir ft reports, 
 but awaiting the calmer hour of reafou 
 preparing to decide on full information, 
 For the profperity of our country let us be 
 thankful and grateful ; in its adverfity, 
 forrowful and penitental ; ever careful to 
 correct our own faults, before we cenfure 
 thofe of others. 
 
 With refpect to individuals and their 
 concerns, examples (and they are not 
 wanting among us) of piety, charity, ge- 
 nerofity, and other virtues, (hould effectu- 
 ally ftir us up to copy, to emulate, to fur- 
 pafs them ; to join, fo far as ability and 
 opportunity will permit, in defigns fet on 
 foot for the promotion of what is goad, the 
 difcouragement and fuppreffion of what is 
 otherwife. And here, there is great choice : 
 many fuch defigns are on foot ; and let 
 thofe, who have talents for it, bring for- 
 ward more. All are wanted. 
 
 The
 
 N 26. OLLAPODRIDA, 265 
 
 The follies, vices, and confequent mi- 
 feries of multitudes, difplayed in a newf- 
 papcr, are fo many admonitions and warn- 
 ings, fo many beacons, continually burn- 
 ing, to turn others from the rocks on 
 which they have been mipwrecked. What 
 more powerful difluafive from fnfpicion, 
 jealoufy, and anger, than the flory of one 
 friend murdered by another in a duel ? 
 What caution likely to be more effectual 
 againft gambling and profligacy, than the 
 mournful relation of an execution, or the 
 fate of a defpairing fuicide ? What finer 
 lecture on the neceffity of ceconorqy, than 
 an auction of eftates, houfes, and furniture, 
 at Skinner's, or Chriflie's ? '* Talk they 
 * of morals" ? There is no need of 
 Hutchenfon, Smith, or Paley. Only take 
 a newfpaper, and confider it well ; read it, 
 and it will inftrudt thee, Plenius ct melius 
 Chryjippo et Crantore. 
 
 A newfpaper is, among other things, a 
 regifter of mortality. Articles of this kind 
 ihould excite in our minds reflections fimi- 
 Jar to thofe made by one of my predcccf- 
 
 fors,
 
 2,66 OLLAPODRIDA. N 2 6 t 
 
 fors, on a furvey of the tombs in Weftmin- 
 fter Abbey. They are fo juft, beautiful, 
 and affecting, that my reader, I am fure, 
 will efteem himfelf under an obligation to 
 me for bringing them again into his re- 
 membrance, by doling this paper with a 
 citation of them : 
 
 " When 1 look upon the tombs of the 
 " great, every emotion of envy dies in 
 " me ; when I read the epitaphs of the 
 " beautiful, every inordinate defire goes 
 " out ; when I meet with the grief of pa- 
 " rents upon a tomb ftone, my heart melts 
 ' with companion ; when I fee the tomb 
 " of the parents themfelves, I confider the 
 " vanity of grieving for thofe whom we 
 " mufh quickly follow ; when I fee kings 
 " lying by thofe who depofed them, when 
 " I confider rival wits placed fide by fide, 
 " or the holy men that divide the world 
 *' with their contefts and difputes, I reflecl: 
 V with forrow and aftonimment on the lit- 
 '' tie competitions, fadlions, and debates of 
 " mankind. When I read the fever ? al dates 
 " of the tombs, of fome that died yefter- 
 
 " day,
 
 N26. OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 " day, and fome fix hundred years ago, I 
 " confider that great day when we (hall all 
 *' of us be contemporaries, and make our 
 <* appearance together *." % ' 
 
 * Spedator, Vol I. No. 26. 
 
 z. 
 
 NUM<
 
 [ 268 
 
 NUMBER XXVII. 
 
 SATURDAY, September 1 5, 1787. 
 
 Mores hominum multorum vidct & urbes. 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 The grown Boy, too tall for School, 
 
 With Travel finilhes the Fool. 
 
 Gay's Fables. 
 
 XT7"E are informed by Plutarch, that 
 Lycurgus forbad the Spartans from 
 vifiting other countries, from an apprehen- 
 fion that they would contract foreign man- 
 ners, relax their rigid difcipline, and grow 
 fond of a form of ^government different 
 from their own. This law was the refult 
 4 of
 
 N27- OLLA PODRIDA. 269 
 
 of the mod judicious policy, as the com- 
 panion made by a Spartan in the courfe of 
 his travels would neceflarily have produced 
 difafFedtion to his country, and averlion to 
 its eflablimments. It was therefore the 
 defign of the rigid legiflator to confirm the 
 prejudices of his fubjects, and to cherifli 
 that intenfe flame of patriotifm which after- 
 wards blazed out in the moft renowned ex- 
 ploits. 
 
 So propitious is the Britifh government 
 to the rights of the people, fo free is its 
 conftitution, and fo mild are its laws, that 
 the more intimate our acquaintance with 
 foreign ftates is, the more reafon we find 
 to confirm our predilection for the place of 
 our birth. Our legiflature has no neceffity, 
 like that of the Spartan Republick, to fecure 
 the obedience of its fubjects by making ig- 
 norance an engine of ftate. But although 
 England may rife fuperior in the compan- 
 ion with foreign countries, it is much to 
 be wi(hed, that its pre-eminence was more 
 frequently afcertaincd by cool heads and 
 mature undemanding j and that fome check 
 was given to the general cuftom of fending 
 
 youths
 
 270 OLLAPODRIDA. N 27. 
 
 youths abroad at too early an age. innu- 
 merable in fiances could be adduced to prove, 
 that, fo far from any folid advantages being 
 derived from the practice, it is gene- 
 rally pregnant with great and incurable 
 evils. As foon as boys are emancipated 
 from School, or have kept a few terms at 
 the Univerfity, they are fent to ramble 
 about the Continent. The critical and 
 highly improper age of nineteen or twenty 
 is ufually deftined for this purpofe. Their 
 curiofity is eager and indifcriminate ; their 
 paffions warm and impetuous; their judge- 
 ment merely beginning to dawn, and of 
 courfe inadequate to the juft comparifon 
 between what they have left at home, and 
 what they obferve abroad. It is vainly ex- 
 pefted by their parents, that the authority 
 of their tutors will reftrain the fallies of 
 their fons, and confine their attention to 
 proper objects of improvement. But grant- 
 ing every tutor to be a Mentor, every pupil 
 is not a Telemachus. The gaiety, the fol- 
 lies, and the voluptuoufnefs of the Conti- 
 nent addrefs themfelves in fuch captivating 
 
 forms to the inclinations of youth, that 
 
 j 
 
 they
 
 i;. LLA PQDRIDA. V]l 
 
 they foon become deaf to the calls of ad- 
 monition. No longer confined by the 
 fhackles of fcholaftick or parental reftraint, 
 they launch out at once into the wide ocean 
 of fafhionable indulgence. The only check 
 which curbs the young gentleman with any 
 force, is the father's threat, to withhold 
 the neceffary remittances. The fon, how- 
 ever, expoftulates with fome plauflbility, 
 and reprefents that his ftyle of living in' 
 troduces him into the brilliant circles of the 
 gay and great, among whom alone can be 
 obtained the graces of polifhed behaviour, 
 and the elegant attainments of genteel life. 
 How much he has improved by fuch re- 
 fined intercourfe is evident on his return 
 home. He can boaft of having employed 
 the moft famionable Taylor at Paris, of in- 
 triguing with fome celebrated Madame, and 
 appearing before the Lieutenant de Police 
 for a drunken fray. He may, perhaps, more 
 than once have loft his money at the Am- 
 baflador's card parties, fupped in the ftables 
 at Chantilli, and been introduced to the 
 'Grand Monarque at Verfailles. The ac- 
 quifkions he has made are' fuch as mult 
 
 eftablifh
 
 272 OLLAPODRIDA. N 27, 
 
 eftablifh his character, among thofe who 
 have never travelled, as a ijiriuofo and a bon 
 vivant. By great good fortune he may 
 have brought over a Paris watch, a coun- 
 terfeit Corregio, and a hogfhead of genuine 
 Champagne. But it is well if his mind be 
 not furnimed with things more ufelefs than 
 thofe which he has collected for his pocket, 
 his drawing-room, and his cellar. He has, 
 perhaps, eftablifhed a kind of commercial 
 treaty with our polite Neighbours, and has 
 exchanged fimplicity for artifice, candour 
 for affectation, fteadinefs for frivolity, and 
 principle for libertinifm. If he has con- 
 tinued long among the votaries of famion, 
 gallantry, and wit, he muft be a perfect 
 Grandifon if he return not to his native 
 country in manners a monkey, in attain- 
 ments a fciolift, and in religion a fceptic. 
 
 From the expedition of fome travellers, 
 we are not to conclude, that knowledge of 
 the world may be caught with a glance ; 
 or, in other words, that they are geniufes 
 who " grafp a fyftem by intuition.'* They 
 might gain as much information if they 
 ikimmed over the Continent with a balloon, 
 
 The
 
 N2;. OLLAPODRIDA. 273 
 
 The various places they fly through appear 
 like the (hitting fcenes of a pantomime, 
 which juft catch the eye, and obliterate 
 the faint impreffions of each other. We 
 are told of a noble Roman, who could re- 
 collect all the articles that had been pur- 
 chafed at an auction, and the names of the 
 feveral buyers. The memory of our tra- 
 vellers ought to be of equal capacity and 
 retentivenefs, confidering the fhort time 
 they allow themfelves for the inipection of 
 curiofities. 
 
 The fact is, thefe birds of paflage con- 
 fult more for their fame than their im- 
 provement. To ride pofl through Eu- 
 rope is, in their opinion, an atchievement 
 of no fmall glory. Like Powel, the cele- 
 brated walker, their object is to go and re- 
 turn in the fhortefl time poffible. It is not 
 eaiy to determine how they can more pro- 
 fitably employ their whiffling activity than 
 by commencing jockies, exprefles, or mail- 
 coachmen. 
 
 Ignorance of the modern languages, andf 
 particularly the French, is a material ob- 
 ftacle againft an Engliftiman's reaping 
 
 T the
 
 274 OLLA PODRIDA. N 27. 
 
 the defired advantages from his travels. It 
 is a common cuftom to poftpone any appli- 
 cation to them until a few months before 
 the grand tour is commenced. The fcho- 
 lar vainly fuppofes that his own moderate 
 diligence, and his matter's compendious 
 mode of teaching, will work wonders, by 
 making him a complete linguift. From a 
 flight knowledge of the cuftomary forms of 
 addrefs, and a few detached words, the 
 Fench language is fuppofed to be very 
 eafy. No allowance is made for the vari- 
 ety of the irregular verbs, the nice combi- 
 nation of particles, the peculiar turn of 
 famionable phrafes, and the propriety of 
 pronunciation. The great deficiencies ill 
 all thefe particulars are abundantly appa- 
 rent as fo'on as Milord Anglols lands on the 
 other fide of the channel. After venturing 
 to tell his friends, to whom he has letters 
 of recommendation, that he is ravijhed to 
 
 fee them, his converfation is at an end. 
 
 
 
 His contracted brow, faltering tongue, and 
 embarraffed air, difcover that he labours 
 with ideas which he wants words to exprefs. 
 Even the rnoit juft remarks, the mofl bril- 
 7 liant
 
 N 27. OLLA f ODRIDA, 275 
 
 liant conceptions of wit, are {mothered in 
 their birth. To fuch a difrreffing cafe, the,, 
 obfervation of Horace will not apply 
 (( Vtrbaqiie provijatn rem nonin-vitafiqKcntur" 
 
 If he can arrive after much ffommering 
 and hesitation at the arrangement of a fen- 
 tence, it abounds with fuch blunders and 
 anglicifms as require all the politenefs 
 even of a Frenchman to excufe. Frequent 
 attempts will without doubt produce flu- 
 ency, and coriftant care will fecure cor- 
 reclnefs ; but the misfortune is, that the 
 young traveller is employed by words, 
 when his mind ought to be engaged with 
 things. It is not lefs unfeafonable than 
 ridiculous, that he mould be perplexing 
 himfelf with the diftindVion between femme 
 Jage and fage fcmme, when he ought to be 
 examining the amphitheatre at N'imes, or 
 the canal at Languedoc. 
 
 Ignorance of the .languages is a great 
 inducement to the Engiifli to afibciate to- 
 gether when abroad. The misfortune of 
 this practice is, that they fpend their time 
 in poifoning each other's minds with preju- 
 dices ngainil Foreigners of whom they 
 
 T 2 know
 
 276 OLLAPODRIDA. N 27. 
 
 koow little from perfonal experience, and 
 of whom they have not the laudable ambi- 
 tion of knowing more. Their more active 
 employments confift in fueh diverfion as 
 they have tranfplanted from home. They 
 game, play at cricket, and ride rnces. The 
 Frenchman grins a contemptuous fmile at 
 thefe exhibitions ; and fhrewdly remarks, 
 that Monfieur John Bull travels more to 
 divert htm than to improve himfelf. Ra- 
 ther than give occafrQn for this ridicule, 
 our young gentlemen had better remain at 
 home, upon their paternal eftafes, and col- 
 lect their knowledge of other countries 
 from Brydone's Tour, Moore's Travels,, or 
 Kearfley's Guides* 
 
 N U M-
 
 C 2 77 3 
 
 NUMBER XXVIII. 
 
 SATURDAY, September 22, 1787, 
 
 the AUTHOR of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 When I did bear 
 
 motley fool thus moral on the time, 
 My lungs began to crow like Chanticleer, 
 That fools jhould be fo deep contemplative ; 
 And I did laugh, fans intermijfion, 
 An hour by his dial, SHAKSPEARE, 
 
 ANY people indulge themfelves in 
 the too frequent introduction of 
 what they are pleaied to call moral fenti- 
 ment into their conveiiation. Whilfl they 
 are thus endeavouring, by the trite precepts 
 T 3 of
 
 278 OLLAPCDRIDA. N 5 28. 
 
 pf dull and fententious gravity, to incul- 
 pate the leflbns of virtue, they oftentimes 
 put common fenfe to the blufli, and gene- 
 
 1 . j . O 
 
 rally make that ridiculous which they wifh 
 
 fhould appear amiable. 1 mall endeavour 
 
 to illuftrate my obfervation, by prefenting 
 you with a fhort Iketch of a relation, with 
 whom as. a boy of fixtesn, in the intervals of 
 fchool vacation, I have occafionally fpent a. 
 Week or two. 
 
 Mr. Solomon Hatch penny is an uncle of 
 rnine, who being moft part of the week a 
 Tobacconifc in the Borough, is on Saturday 
 
 O ' ^ 
 
 and Sunday a Country Gentleman, dwelling 
 four miles from London. He is a very good 
 fort of man, goes to Church every Sunday, 
 where he fhuts his eyes, but declares he 
 never fleeps ; has three wigs, pays every one 
 his own, and keeps a four-wheel chaife. His 
 Country-houfe, which has been greatly 
 improved fince he bought it, by the addi- 
 tion of a bow-window and a bench, (rands 
 within three yards of the road ; and, as he 
 is unwilling to difplay lefs grandeur thai; 
 ]iis neighbours, he has laid out his ground, 
 con lifting of a garden of forty- four fquare 
 
 feet,
 
 N28. OLLA PODRIDA. 279 
 
 feet, with that tafte by which the family 
 of the Hatchpennys has ever been di(lin- K 
 guimed. It contains a bafon with the ulual 
 compliment of two artificial fwans (which 
 my Uncle affures me when he bought them 
 were as white as alabafter) and a gravel 
 walk, each end of which is guarded by a 
 pafteboard Grenadier. In the middle of his 
 walk is a dial, from which the morning 
 fun is excluded by the Grenadier's Cap, and 
 upon his houfe are three weathercocks, each 
 pointing a different way. He generally 
 takes an opportunity to prove to his guefls, 
 that his Sentinels are as exact reprefenta- 
 tions of live Soldiers as can come from the 
 hands of a Painter and Glazier, by infor- 
 ming them, that a Sparrow having fettled 
 on the fhoulder of one of them, he heard 
 a child, who oirpafiing exclaimed, " "Look, 
 tl Mama. "the Corporal has caught a Bird" 
 This circnmftance is to Mr. Hatch penny a 
 fource of heart-felt fatisfa&ioi} : He attri- 
 butes the miftake of the child to his own 
 ikill in furnifhing the deceit. He is plea- 
 fed with the idea that he has given proof 
 of his underftanding in the very inftance 
 T 4 which
 
 280 OLLAPODRIDA. N^8. 
 
 which declares his want of it. He is an 
 example of happinefs arifing from igno- 
 rance, which, contrary to the lot of every 
 other fpecies of happinefs, no man envies 
 in another, and no man wimes for himfelf. 
 Excufe my obfervations, and permit me to 
 proceed. I am informed, that my uncle 
 Solomon is a politician at the club, and 
 amongll his neighbours a wit ; that he has 
 been known to utter fhrewd jokes upon 
 the miniftry, to quote profane rhymes from 
 Poor Robin's Almanack, and to indulge 
 himfelf in all thofe fanciful relaxations of 
 the mind to which every good citizen is 
 entitled, not inconfiftent witij his trade, 
 his understanding, or his tafle. It is, 
 however, his peculiar fludy to hide every 
 little fally of his wit from my cblervation, 
 and confine all converlatiou uttered within 
 my hearing to morality ; the eflence of 
 which, according to his opinion, contifts 
 iu gravity and a long face. This gravity 
 I never knew my uncle relax but once, and 
 then it was in order to tell me, that a 
 gentlcrnatti who came to iolicit his vote for 
 a leclurefhip in the Borough, had abfolute- 
 ly won him over from an oppoiite party by 
 paying a pretty compliment to his country- 
 box,
 
 N 28. OLLA PODRIDA. 281 
 
 box, which he was pleafed to denominate 
 Tullys Tufculum. I took that opportunity 
 of making an attempt (an aukward one, I 
 fuppofe, becaufe it was not underftood) to 
 pay the fame kind of pretty compliment 
 to his Tobacco warehoufes, which 1 beg- 
 ged leave to chriften Tit/If s Offices. My 
 uncle and I fometimes traverfe what he 
 calls his premiJJ'es^ which without much 
 bodily exertion may be accomplished in 
 ibmerhing lefs than four minutes and a 
 half, but, according to our plan of proceed- 
 ing, it generally confumes near an hour. 
 The leaden fwans (which by a very claf- 
 fical metamorphoiis are now become black) 
 are the innocent caufes of much impati- 
 ence to me ; they delay us in our journey 
 round the premifies, while they furnim 
 my uncle with an opportunity to diiplay 
 his diicoveries in morality, and to deicant 
 upon the rapid flight of time : *' Not 
 " /even years tigo (^fays lie) //'// next twenty 
 ^fourth of July, did I buy t.boj'e birds of 
 " Mr. William Dreadnought, Plumber, ,:> 
 " Fenchurch jlreet. Tkey were then us 
 f * pretty bils offo-ifl as ever tvere turned on: 
 
 "af
 
 aa OLLAPODRIDA, N 2 8. , 
 
 *' 0/" ajhop. Learn from this, Nephew, 
 
 "that thejlrongejl things will decay, and 
 
 " conftder the rate at which time pajjes."' 
 
 " Tes, Sir Sixty minutes to the hour, twelve 
 " hours to the day, and twelve months to the 
 * year." " Right, Nephew, calendar 
 " months" It was fettled calendar months, 
 and we proceeded. The weathercocks 
 only delayed us while we obferved, that 
 they were happily emblematical of the 
 mutability of human events ; that one of 
 them wanted greafing, and that a high 
 ftation was no exemption from the in- 
 conveniencies and wants of life. We now 
 reached the gravel-walk, where I ven- 
 tured, with all the gravity of fpeech and 
 countenance I could fummon, to hint my 
 doubts as to the propriety of his hav- 
 ing fixed up in his garden two objects 
 which might poffibly deceive fome peo- 
 ple into an opinion that they were men, 
 when in facl: they were not fo. But, to 
 qualify my obfervation, I thought it pru- 
 dent to throw in fomething which he 
 might underftand as a compliment, and 
 induce him to open his whole mind upon 
 
 (a
 
 N28. OLLAPODRIDA. 283 
 
 fo momentous a fubiecl. I told him that a 
 
 ./ 
 
 petty tradefman might pleafe himfelf in 
 deceptions of that kind, without the dan- 
 ger of mideading any one ; but that I 
 thought it rather improper in him, to 
 whofe motions the world turned the eye of 
 obfervation, who had been known never to 
 refufe the payment of a bill at fight, who 
 had never indulged himfelf beyond a Chel- 
 iea bun, and a glafs of Herefordfliire cyder 
 on a Sunday, and who was undoubtedly 
 the firft tobacconift in the whole ftreet. - 
 1 faw my uncle was pleafed with my argu- 
 mentHe attempted rather to excuie than 
 defend what he had done. He confeffed it 
 was a deceit, yet he hoped a harmlefs one, 
 that, when he was younger than he now is, 
 he had facrificed fomething to tafte ; he re- 
 membered, to lay the truth, when he firfl 
 put them up, that his conference rather 
 mifgave him, but, to quiet his apprehen- 
 fions, he had written upon each of their 
 gun-locks, " To prevent mi/lakes, T'hefe are 
 ** not real men, but onlyjfoam ones. 
 
 "W.D. FECIT.' 1 
 
 I was
 
 2$4 OLLA PODRIDA. Na8. 
 
 I was fully fatisfied with a fubjeft on 
 which whatever arguments I might have, 
 conceived, my countenance would not iuf- 
 fer me to declare. 
 
 I left the houfe of this moral Pbilpfo- 
 pher a few days ago with many good in- 
 junctions, which he who remembers may 
 at lead be entertained, if not edified. In 
 the laft conference which I enjoyed with 
 him, he delivered himlelf to me in iorne- 
 thing like the following words : " My 
 46 dear Nty&ew, I have your inter ejl very 
 -*' much at heart, andfiovld be glad to fee y ox 
 ti as -well in the world as myfelf. Ton are 
 ** certainly much improved, and can no-w, I 
 *' dare fav, htive a }uli vahie lor a few max- 
 
 J -s J f I J 
 
 44 ;/?;j, ivhii'b Ijball A?y down for the regula- 
 '' tion of your conduct. Trufi me, I kniiv a 
 " little of tbefe mattery Old he^ds, and Old 
 " Jhouldtrs and though I fay it that Jhoud^nt 
 ' % fay it, I can tell a fix irom a nine* as 
 
 *y *r <f +J 
 
 44 we!! as thofe that make fuch a flourt/h with 
 * c their wife pates, and empty pockets. With 
 44 regard to your jludies, your ma ft er can pro- 
 ** bably dlreti you as ivell as I can \ I only 
 6i adyife you, above all things , dont puzzle 
 i "your
 
 NaS. OLLA PODRIDA. 285 
 
 * * your brains i and ivajle your labour in writ- 
 " ing verfes. 1 never knew a fellow that 
 " had a Jhilling in his pocket <wriie verfis* 
 " To u may as well expect to pick up gold under 
 ** the pump at Aldgate as to get any thing by 
 *' it. I caution you againji reading novels 
 " and elegies , and all bad books. 'There is 
 '* a book I have heard, 'which pretends to 
 ** prove, that there is no fuch thing as time r 
 " But this is all a flam, and I tell you there />, 
 " and very precious it is. He who lofes it had 
 44 better lofe his dinner \ and to him ivho makes 
 
 / 
 
 '* the moll of it 'tit as money in the flocks* 
 '* There's a little money for you, go, and 
 <l mind your book, and don t ride jackaffes on 
 ** Sundays ; for the poor be aft $ foould have a 
 4 * day 3 rejl, and you II only tear your befl 
 *' breeches, and incur the difpleajure of your 
 * mafter" 
 
 I (hall here finifh my account of Mr. 
 
 * 
 
 Hatchpenny, only informing you, that he 
 k a married man ; and, mould the patience 
 of your readers not be quite exhaufled, I 
 lhall take fome opportunity of giving you a 
 little infight into the character of my Aunr, 
 She is not a moralift o-f the fame kind 
 
 exactly
 
 86 OLLA PODRIDA. N 9 2^ 
 
 exactly as her hufbarid, and will not there- 
 fore afford an example of the faaie fpecies 
 of folly* They mine in different fpheres, 
 and are upon mod considerations better 
 afunder. Tell your readers, if you pleafe, 
 left they fhould not have ohferved it, that 
 the dull folemnity of proverbial wifdom,- 
 which confifts- 'in. " flireds of fentences," 
 and remnants of moral fayings, being ap- 
 plicable to all occafions, and accefiible to 
 all understandings, is no proof of wildom 
 or honefty. And let thofe, who are fatif- 
 fied with, fuch kind of knowledge, improve 
 their fyftem, by adding to it fome excel- 
 lent treatifes from the repolitory of Mr,> 
 Newbery, adapted to the meaneft capacities; 
 " price twopence halfpenny, adorned with 
 .* cuts." 
 
 I am, Sir, yours, &c. 
 
 SOCRATES IN EMBRIO* 
 
 NUMBER
 
 2 87 
 
 NUMBER XXIX. 
 
 Ridiculum am 
 Fortius et melius plerumquefecat res. Hoiu 
 
 IT is wifely ordained by the laws of 
 England, that the perfon of the Monarch 
 is jeered ; as alfo, that the King can do no 
 wrong. The meaning of this laft maxim 
 I take to be, that, if wrong mould happen 
 at any time to be done, the blame is to be 
 laid upon the adminiftration, and not upon. 
 the King* 
 
 A friend,
 
 238 OLLA PODRIDA. N 29. 
 
 A friend, fome years ago, took me into 
 the Houfe of Commons, to attend the- de- 
 bates upon the opening of a Seffion ; when 
 an honourable gentleman made fo free with 
 the Speech, which I had but juft before 
 heard moft gracefully pronounced by his 
 Majefty from the throne, that my hair 
 flood an end, and I was all over in a cold 
 iweat ; till, towards the clofe of his ora- 
 tion, he relieved and reftored me, by men- 
 tioning, in a parenthefis, that the fpeech 
 was always confidered, in that aflembly, as 
 the fpeech of the Mlnijler. 
 
 Sheltering myfelf, therefore, under this 
 diftinclion, I caivnot refrain from offering a 
 few remaks on a late production, preg- 
 nant^ as many are of opinion, with much 
 mifchief to the community. The reader 
 fees that I mean, A Proclamation for the 
 encouragement of piety and virtue ', and for 
 preventing and punijhing of vice, profanenefs, 
 and immorality. 
 
 That the fcheme propofed mould be car- 
 ried into execution, does not indeed feem 
 probable. When we confider how long 
 vice, profanenef?, and immorality, have 
 
 been
 
 a> OLLA PODRIDA. 289 
 
 been increafing among us, what a power- 
 ful party they have formed, how much 
 fafhion is on their fide, and how very , 
 ftrong the tide ruiis, the attempt may be 
 thought to refemble that of the man, who 
 endeavoured to flop the Thames at London 
 bridge, with his hat ; unlefs the rich and 
 the great would fet the example. 
 
 I have always been a'n enemy to pains 
 and penalties. The wofdptfftt/kmerit is a bad 
 word ; and the thing itfelf is much worfe. 
 When once it begins, the wifeft man liv- 
 ing cannot tell where it will end, or what 
 will become of our liberties. For as the 
 (heep-ftealer laid, *' If a gentleman cannot 
 ' kill his own mutton, without being 
 " hanged for it, I mould be glad to know 
 " what we have got by the Revolution." 
 In mort, one muft be without a ncfe, not 
 to fmell fomething here of arbitrary power. 
 
 The idea of a Sunday, unenlivened by a 
 little innocent p/ay, is a very dull and 
 dreary one. I know a family i'n town, that 
 has rctede the experiment. The confe- 
 quence was, that before nine in the even- 
 ing, the members of it found themfelves fb 
 U crofs,
 
 290 OLLA PODRIDA. N 29. 
 
 crofs, peevifh, and out of temper, that 
 had it not been for an early fupper, and a 
 glafs of good wine, they could not have 
 gone to bed in chriftian charity with each 
 other, 
 
 But much more diftrefsful ftill was the 
 cafe of a lady, whofe hufband, being in the 
 commiffion, had lent his affiftance to fup- 
 prefs gaming on a Sunday, in a neigh- 
 bouring public houfe. It ftruck him that 
 cards on that day, in a private houfe, 
 might not, juft then, be quite fo proper ; 
 and he ventured to hint as much to his 
 lady. She had always apprehended the 
 Gofpel to have been defigned for the poor ; 
 and was aftonimed to find that any thing 
 in the Proclamation could apply to perfons 
 of her rank in life. "The party was 
 ^ made, and what could be done?" A 
 thought, however, luckily occurred ; and 
 when the company was aflembled, after an 
 apology fuitable to the occafion, inilead 
 of the card tables, (lie introduced the enter- 
 tainment of Catches and Glees. The thing 
 took mightily, and was judged a pretty 
 variety. Otherwife, a difappointment of 
 
 iueh
 
 N'20-. OLLAPODRIDA. 291 
 
 fuch a nature, fp reading, as it mud have 
 done, like an electrical (hock, through all 
 the polite circles, might have bred bad 
 blood, and produced a general infurredYion. 
 
 It fares with religion as with a fhuttle- 
 cock, which is ftricken from one to ano- 
 ther, and refts with none. The rich ap- 
 prehend it to have been defigned for the 
 poor ; and the poor, in their turn, think 
 it calculated chiefly for the rich. An old 
 acquaintance of mine, who omitted no op- 
 portunity of doing good, difcourfed with 
 the barber who fhaved him on his man- 
 ner of fpending the Sabbath (which was 
 not quite as it mould be), and the neceffity 
 of his having more religion than at prefent 
 he feemed to be poffefled of. The barber 
 proceeding in his work of lathering, replied, 
 that he thought he had tolerably well for a 
 barber ; as, in his appreheniion, one third 
 of the religion, neceffary to fave a gentle- 
 man, would do to fave a barber. 
 
 I mention this, becaufe I have received 
 
 a letter of coniiderable length, praying 
 
 redrefs of grievances, from a per fon who 
 
 lets lodgings in Broad St. Giles's. He 
 
 U 2 fpeaks
 
 292 OLLA POD RID A. N 29. 
 
 fpeaks of a very fnug and comfortable 
 neighbourhood there, which is likely to be 
 broken up, and difperfed, by the Procla- 
 mation, and nobody can well tell why. 
 
 He himfelf holds twenty houfes by leafe, 
 which are let out, ready furnimed. Matters 
 are conduced in a manner fo perfectly 
 (Economical, that though there is no more 
 than one bed in each room, there are ufu- 
 rilly two or three, and fometrmes even four 
 occupiers of that one room and bed. That 
 the furniture is of an expenfive and luxuri- 
 ous kind, no one can fay ; as it confifts 
 only of a ftump bedftead, a flock bed, a 
 pair of meets (frequently only one iheet), 
 a blanket or two, a chair or two (generally 
 without backs), and a grate, but moftly 
 without fhovel, tongs, and poker. The 
 meets are ufually marked with the name 
 of the owner j and the words,y??/>.//V/7 are 
 added, for private reafons. 
 
 In two adjoining alli-es are forty more 
 houfes, let out in like fort to inhabitants, 
 in number 400, confuting of whores, pick- 
 pockets, footpads, houfebreakers, and 
 thieves of every defcription, from all quar- 
 ters
 
 N29. OLLAPODRIDA. 293 
 
 ters of the town. But what then ? They 
 muft have lodgings, as well as other peo- 
 ple ; and, if they were to be in the ftreet all 
 night, it would be dangerous for the reft 
 of his Majefty's fubjects to pafs. To avoid 
 fufpicion, the houfes are continually light- 
 ed, and kept open all night ; and to mew 
 that hypocrify has no place there, what 
 ufed to be praftifed only in private at mid- 
 night, is now praclifed in public at mid- 
 day. 
 
 To accommodate the poor, there are 
 twopenny lodging- houfes. One man, in 
 particular, makes up, every night, thirty- 
 five beds, and takes in men and women, 
 at twopence or threepence a night ; but if 
 a man and woman come in together, he 
 receives one milling a night for the two. 
 
 No fociety can be under better regula* 
 tions than this is. Thus, for inftance, 
 when a poftitute has decoyed a man, and 
 robbed him, the miftrefs of the houfe has 
 half the pay and the plunder : and if one of 
 thefe ladies intrude upon that beat and 
 walk, which another regards as her cxclu- 
 \j 3 fve
 
 294 OLLAPODRIDA. N*2 9 , 
 
 Jive right^ the matter is determined, as 
 much greater matters are, by a battle. 
 
 Nor can there be reafon to fear, that 
 this focicty mould ever become fo nume- 
 rous, as to be any annoyance to the pub- 
 lick ; fince care is taken, that a fufficient 
 number is hanged, every feffion, to main- 
 tain a balance ; and fomc rooms are always 
 referved for the reception of the dead bo- 
 dies, which are brought back after execu- 
 tion, to their old lodgings, till they can be 
 otherwife difpofed of. 
 
 Such is the iubftance of my friend's let- 
 ter, which he defires may be communi- 
 cated, through the channel of my paper, to 
 his countrymen, that they may know what 
 they have to expect from the prefent fyf- 
 tem of defpotilm ; when a few neighbours 
 cannot live peaceably together, without 
 being difturbed, and hunted out, by Pro-, 
 cfawations* He hopes all honeft men will 
 join with him in a petition for the removal 
 of evil ' (.ounfel ors ; and concludes with the 
 old Brit im axiom, My houfe is wy cajlle ; 
 under no dread, as it mould feem, of the 
 retort Courteous once made to fuch a decla- 
 ration.
 
 N2 9 . OLLA PODR1DA. 295 
 
 ration by a magiftrate in Oxford, of arbi- 
 trary principles ; " Then, Sir, the cajlls 
 ihall be your houfe" 
 
 It is not eafy to eftimate the lofs which 
 the community at large will fufbin by the 
 diflolution of this worthy neighbourhood. 
 For if a gentleman be robbed of his watch, 
 k mud: be replaced by another : if his 
 portmanteau be flolen, he mud buy new 
 cloaths and linen : if his houfe be broken 
 open, and {tripped of its furniture, he 
 muft apply to the upholrterer : if he be 
 beaten and wounded, to the furgeon : nay, 
 fhould he be even killed, the undertaker and 
 the fexton will be the better for it : and if 
 the ufual quantity of gin be not confumed, 
 ruin muft feize on thofe who vend it* 
 Trade muft ffognate. Thus incontroverti- 
 bly doth it appear, that private vices (if in- 
 deed they may be called vices) are public 
 benefits. 
 
 I fay, " if they may be called vices ;" 
 becaufe I do not fee why, mould we fo 
 pleafe, they may not be called virtues. 
 The nature of things in themfelves is no^ 
 thing ; our_ofinion of them is all : and if 
 U 4 our
 
 296 OLLAPODRIDA. N 29. 
 
 our opinion alters, the names of things 
 ihould alter with it. Indeed, they do, and 
 muft do fo. Thus, when two gentlemen 
 go out with piflols, and moot each other 
 through the head, or the heart, it is no 
 more than an affair of honour : when one 
 feduces the wife or the daughter of another, 
 it is merely an attachment : and to cheat a 
 
 ! 
 
 man put of his eflate, is only to pluck a 
 pigeon. In the neighbourhood above de- 
 icribed, the nomenclature is much farther 
 advanced, and has nearly attained perfec- 
 tion. They have a language peculiar to 
 themfelves, in which when they relate 
 their tran factions, they may have been 
 doing what is perfectly jufl and right, for 
 any thing we can tell to the contrary, fince 
 the words are not to be found in any dic- 
 tionary but their own. 
 
 Here then, as fome will think, is a 
 more expeditious way of preventing vice, 
 than by proclamation ; and, what is much 
 to be deli red, of doing it without infliction 
 of punimment, by the fole and fimple ex- 
 pedient of voting vice to be virtue. 
 
 The
 
 N 29- OLLA PODRIDA. 297 
 
 The fcheme is plauiible ; but, I muft 
 confefs, I have my doubts. If we once vote 
 vice to be virtue, I am afraid, that, by a 
 neceffity of nature, virtue, per contra, mufl 
 become vice'; and fo we {hall but be where 
 we were : there will ft ill be vice in the 
 world. 
 
 When, the welfare of his country is con- 
 cerned, every man loyes to be a little bit 
 of a projector. On going deeper into the 
 fubje&, I think I have hit upon a plan, 
 which will make root and branch work of 
 it, and do the bufmefa effectually. 
 
 That the effect may ceafe, the caufe muft 
 be removed. Now, what is the caufe of 
 vice ? Moft undoubtedly, the law : for, 
 were there no law, there could be no tranf- 
 greffion. Abolifli then, at once, the ufe of 
 all law, human and divine. 1 grant the 
 ftep a bold one, requiring a minifter of 
 firmnefs and refolution tp take it ; but when 
 once taken, the advantages will be many 
 and great. 
 
 In the firft place, vice will, at one ftroke, 
 be extirpated from the face, of the earth ; 
 
 for
 
 298 OLLA PODRIDA. N 9 20.. 
 
 for when a man has no law but his own 
 will, we may defy him to do any thing 
 illegal. Never trufl to moral impoffibility, 
 where phyfical is to be had. 
 
 Secondly, it will put an end to the ex- 
 pence and trouble of law fuits ; and (as 
 equity would fall with law) to all tedious 
 and everlafling fuits in Chancery, fo 
 much and fo long complained of. 
 
 Thirdly, it will be a diving teethe nation 
 of one tenth of the produce x of all the lands 
 in England and Ireland ; and confequently 
 put a flop to the ravnges of the White-beys 
 and Right boys^ in this latter kingdom, as 
 well as all difputes between minifters and 
 their parishioners, in the former; fince, as 
 there would be no more occafion for reading 
 prayers and preaching, the payment of 
 tithes mud, of courfe, be at an end. 
 
 Fourthly, it will procure a perpetual 
 holiday for the gentlemen of either robe, 
 who, in future, will have nothing to do, 
 but to hunt, (hoot, and play at cards. The 
 lame may be laid, refpe&ing the members 
 of both houfes of parliament, 
 
 Fifthly,
 
 N2 9 . OLLA POD R IDA. 299 
 
 Fifthly, it will make Sunday as cheerful 
 a day, as any day of the week. 
 
 Laftly, it will remove all odium from 
 the magiftrates who have granted a Li- 
 cence to the Dog and Duck. 
 
 Such are the conveniences that would 
 attend the execution of my plan ; and after 
 confideririg the fubjecl: on all fides, for 
 fix hours, in my elbow-chair, I proteft, I 
 cannot think of any one inconvenience, to 
 fet againft them ; nor can I devife any 
 method likely to be fo effectual in redref- 
 fing the grievances occafioned by the 
 Proclamation to thefubjeff. 
 
 It remains only, that I mention one, 
 which may potfibly be occafioned by it to 
 the Crown ; and which, indeed, I might 
 not have thought of, but for the vifit paid 
 me, as I was clofing this paper, by an 
 honeil Farmer " So, Robin (faid I to 
 "^him), rare news from London ! The 
 " King is to be ferved now only by good 
 *< and virtuous courtiers !". " Ah, Lord 
 ** have mercy upon me, Sir (replied Robin), 
 
 "God
 
 " God blefs his Majefly, and grant him 
 " long to reign ! But I am afraid as how 
 he will be fometimes obliged to HELP 
 
 f HIMSELF." 
 
 z.
 
 NUMBER XXX. 
 
 s 
 
 SATURDAY, Ofiobcr 6, 1787, 
 
 DJfficilis, querulus. HoR. 
 
 MY good Si r What's your name ?' 
 Your Englifh name, I mean ; for 
 neither I, nor the Parfbn of our parifli, know 
 what to make of your Qlla Podrida. If it 
 were Latin, Greek, or Hebrew, the Doc- 
 tor fays he eould give a good account of it : 
 but you Oxford and Cambridge wits (ef- 
 pecially the latter) have lately got a habit 
 of introducing half a page of Italian, French, 
 or Spanifh (untratiflated) into your works, 
 though it is five hundred to one, not one 
 i in
 
 3 02 OLLA PODRIDA. N 30. 
 
 in five hundred underftands thofe languages. 
 Well ; but this Olla Podrida my wife 
 thinks it means a powdering-tub, in which 
 tongues or hams, beef and pork, are falted 
 and preferved againfl Chriftmas ; as letters 
 and eflays, wife fayings and apophthegms, 
 fprinkled with your attic fait, are preferved 
 in your mifcellany for our winter evenings' 
 amufement. This, however, is my firft 
 complaint ; " That I don't know what to 
 make of the title of your work." 
 
 My fecond fubjecl: of complaint is this : 
 my Grandfon, who is at the Univerfity, 
 and is your acquaintance, fent me word 
 that there was a new Paper, lately come 
 out, which every body read ; and, as a 
 Paper, now-a-days, means a News-paper, I 
 deiired him to fend it me down : but, what 
 was my difappointment, when I found not 
 a word of News in it ! Not a robbery or a 
 murder ; not a forgery, a rape, or an elope- 
 ment ; nor, what I more wifhed for, not a 
 letter or even a paragraph to abufe the Mi- 
 niftry; to reprobate the Com mutation -tax 
 or the Commercial Treaty ; nor any pro- 
 phetic calculation, to footh my fancy ; to 
 
 demon-
 
 N30.OLLA PODRIDA. 303 
 
 demonftrate the defperate ftate of this de- 
 voted Nation, and prove that we are tot- 
 tering on the verge of annihilation This, 
 I fay, is -the object of myfecond complaint. 
 
 But, thirdly ', as your paper reaches us on 
 a Monday morning, I comforted myfelf, at 
 beft, with the hopes of entertaining my 
 wife and daughter with fomething cheerful 
 and facetious, after a rigid and gloomy ob- 
 fervance of the Sabbath, in confequence of 
 his Majefty's Proclamation (for we have 
 now no card-afiembly at our houfe, only 
 half a dozen old Ladies who join us at tea ; 
 and take a folemn retrofpeft of every fin 
 and tranfgreffion, which their neighbours, 
 not themfelves, have been guilty of, the 
 preceding week) But even in this hope I 
 was fruftrated ; for I had juft put on my 
 fpectacles, and read a few lines in your 
 paper, when the excefiive poignancy of 
 your wit \Here tny modejly obliges me to 
 omit a few words of compliment. \ 
 
 This then is my third, but not my loft, 
 complaint; for complaining and grumbling 
 is the only comfort I have in this world ; 
 and this, Sir, though a very old and trite 
 
 topic, 
 
 7
 
 304 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3 o. 
 
 topic, is the fubject of this letter. My rea- 
 fons for troubling you I will beg leave to 
 explain. 
 
 My Grandfon, whom I mentioned, fpent 
 a good part of his puerile years under my 
 roof; and has taken it into his head that I 
 am a very learned man (though I never had 
 a learned education) from a cujftom 1 have 
 got of retiring from my family, many 
 hours in the day, to my itudy, where I 
 was always found, when called to dinner, 
 with a great folio before me ; and at the 
 rnftant any one came to the door, I was 
 juft then turning over my leaf ; and, as if I 
 were in the mrdffc of my fubjecT:, told them 
 1 would come immediately, and ordered 
 them to fit down to dinner. This had the 
 air of a profound ftudent and deep medita- 
 tion ; when perhaps I was only weighing 
 my guineas, calculating my rntereft money, 
 tit my next half year's rent ; or, at beft, 
 conning over fome of the oppofition papers 
 (every one of which I take in) as food for* 
 my querulous difpofition. 
 
 As
 
 N 30. OLLAPODRIDA. 5 o 5 
 
 As I am unwilling however to difcover 
 to my family that I made no ufe of my 
 pompous library, and read nothing but 
 Newfpapers ; and to oblige my Grandfon 
 aforefaid, I have fent you a paragraph from 
 an old author, in folio, well known in his 
 day, which graphically defcribes the Dif- 
 eafe (for I am confcious it is a difeafe) 
 under which I myfclf and many of my 
 neighbours labour that of grumbling and 
 complaining, from morning till night, 
 from mere habit and indulgence, or for 
 want of fomething elfe to fay. 
 
 Themofh important fubjecl of our Com- 
 plaint, is the ftate of publick arTairs ; for 
 which, perhaps, there may be fome reafon 1 
 But, though I have lived threefcore years 
 in the world (from the days of Sir Robert 
 Walpole to Mr. Pitt's Admimftration), I 
 never knew it other wife. 
 
 i have been fettled thefe thirty years on 
 my eftate in the country : But neither I 
 nor my tenant, in all that fpace of time, 
 have experienced one fruitful fcafon ; or 
 hardly one feafonable day We have been 
 plagued with too much rain or too much 
 
 X dry
 
 306 OLLA PODRIDA. N 36. 
 
 dry weather : fometimes the froft has been 
 too fevere j fometimes the winter too mild, 
 and the corn too rank In a bad harveft we 
 dreaded a famine In a plentiful year we 
 cxpecled to be ruined by the low price of 
 grain. 
 
 I go to the coffee-houfe at our next mar- 
 ket town I hear the fame grumbling and 
 complaints. In the winter, " Blefs me, 
 '* Sir, how could you ride over the Down 
 " this cold wind ? In fummer, are not 
 " you melted with heat, or choked with 
 " duft ? In autumn, I am told it is a najly 
 " fog -In the fpring the north-eaft winds 
 " will be the death] of us." Thus that 
 beautiful variety, which Nature has fo 
 wifely contrived for the benefit of the 
 whole creation, is made the conftant fub- 
 jet of murmuring and difcontent. 
 
 1 have a very good neighbour, who is an 
 invalid ; he has a fmall pudding made for 
 himfelf, by a particular receipt, every 
 day of his life ; I frequently dine with 
 him ; he grumbles the whole dinner-time 
 about his pudding, but he eats it all ; and 
 his wife tells me he has done the fame 
 
 thefe
 
 N30. OLLAPODRIDA. 307 
 
 thefe feven years ; but fhe never knew 
 him leave a morfel of his pudding for the 
 children. 
 
 If you were to fee us with one or two 
 more of our fociable neighbours, over a 
 bowl of punch, or a tankard of ^ale, you 
 would conpare us to the children of Ifrael, 
 weeping by the waters of Babylon, in their 
 captivity fuch a fhaking of the head, and 
 lifting-up of hands ; fuch gloomy prefages 
 and difmal inuendos ! '* Well, I fay no- 
 " thing ; but if this weather continues, God 
 * c fend we may be all alive this day three 
 " months !'* 
 
 But every one mufl fee daily inftances of 
 fuch people, who complain from a mere 
 habit of complaining; and make their 
 friends uneafy, and ftrangers merry, by 
 murmuring at evils that do not exift, and 
 repining at grievances which they do not 
 really feel. 
 
 But this is fufficient to introduce the 
 chara&er, which I mentioned, drawn by 
 Bilhop Hall ; and which proves, that the 
 fame evil has exifted from the days of So- 
 lomon king of Ifrael, to thofe of one who 
 
 X 2 fancied
 
 308 OLLAPODRIDA. N^o. 
 
 fancied himfelf as wife as Solomon, James 
 the firft, King of England " It is naught, 
 " it is naught, faith the buyer ; but when 
 " he is gone away then he boaftcth." 
 Thus it was in the days of Solomon : In 
 James's reign, Dr. Jofeph Hall -gives this 
 account of 
 
 The MALCONTENT. 
 
 " He is neither well, full nor fading ; 
 " and though he abound with Complaints, 
 " yet nothing diflikes him but the prefent ; 
 *' for what he condems while it was, once 
 " pad, he magnifies and drives to recall it 
 s * out of the jaws cf time. What he hath 
 *' he feeth not, his eyes are fo taken up 
 " with what he wants ; a 'id what he fees, 
 " he careth not for, becaufe he cares fo 
 " mi ch for that which is not. 
 
 u When his friend carves him the bed 
 *' morfel, he murmurs, ' That it is an 
 * c happy fead wherein each one may cut 
 " for himfelf.' When a prefent is fent 
 " him, he alks, * Is this all ? And what no 
 " better /' and fo accepts it, as if he would 
 
 14 have
 
 N 33. OLLA PODRIDA. 309 
 
 ** have his friend know how much be is 
 " bound to him for vouchfafing to receive 
 " it. 
 
 *' It is hard to entertain him with a pro- 
 " portionable gift. If nothing, he cries 
 " out of thankfulnefs ; if little, that he is 
 " bafely regarded ; if much, he exclaims 
 " of flattery, and expectation of a large 
 " requital. Every bleding hath fomething 
 " to difparage and diftafte it : children 
 " bring cares ; (ingle life is wild and foli- 
 " tary : Eminence is envious ; retirednefs 
 ** obfcure, wealth burthenfome, mediocrity 
 " contemptible. He never is tied to efteem 
 " or pronounce according to reafon. Some 
 " things he muft diflike, he knows not 
 " wherefore, but he likes them not ; and 
 44 fometimes rather than not cenfure, he 
 *' will accufe a man of virtue Everything 
 ** he meddleth with he tttherjftt&tft im- 
 *' perfeft, or maketh fo.'* 
 
 I am, Sir, yours, &c. 
 
 B. 
 
 NUM-
 
 [ 3 10 3 
 
 NUMBER XXXI. 
 
 SATURDAY, Qtloberifr 1787 
 
 Ubi per focordiam, vires, tempus, ingenium, 
 defluxere, nature infirmitas accufatur. 
 
 SALLUST. 
 
 IT is the common topick of complaint 
 amongft Moralifts, that Mankind is a 
 vain and idle Race; that we aim at at- 
 tainments for the enjoyment of which our 
 nature has not qualified us ; and that we 
 fufFer thofe abilities which are entrufted to 
 us, to be frittered away in mean employ- 
 ments, or to be eaten up by the ruft of idle- 
 
 nefs.
 
 N3i- OLLAPODRIDA. 3 u 
 
 nefs. It is thus that, in general denuncia- 
 tions againft human depravity, all perfons 
 at times indulge themfelves ; fome gratify 
 their pride by noticing the frequency o^ 
 thofe failings, from which they confider 
 themfelves as exempt ; and others find an 
 opportunity of excuiing their favourite fol- 
 lies, by placing thofe frailties to the account 
 of human weaknefs, which are due to their 
 wilful neglect of right, or their headftrong 
 perfeverance in error. They make little 
 hafte to repent of thofe crimes, in the par- 
 ticipation of which they fee mankind fo 
 univerfally engaged, and fondly imagine 
 that, in the general defection from virtue, 
 the frailties of an individual are of fmali 
 account. While we are thus willing to 
 impofe upon ourfelves, apologiting for our 
 vices by arguments which only prove the 
 general tendency to be vicious, every man 
 contributes fomething to the increafe of 
 that evil, of whofe bulk and growth every 
 man continues to complain. 
 
 Succefsfully have the labours of thofe 
 
 wife men been expended, who, by their 
 
 zeal for the welfare of mankind, and their 
 
 X 4 accu-
 
 3 i2 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 i. 
 
 accurate knowledge of human nature, have 
 been able to furnHh the world with precepts 
 of morality, which from their brevity are 
 eafily committed to memory ; and from 
 their good ienfe and propriety convey their 
 meaning to the minds of the moil unen- 
 lightened. The leifons they have left are 
 intended to inftruct us in the duties we owe 
 to Religion and Society; to excite us to vir- 
 tue, by ftigmatizing vice ; and to check the 
 pride of man, by reminding him of his li- 
 mited capacity. Yet the benefits thus con- 
 ferred upon us are too frequently abufed 
 by cunning and designing men. The ar- 
 guments which were intended to reftrain 
 extravagance, are wielded for the defence 
 pf covetoufnefs, and each extreme of vice 
 excufes itfelf by attacking its oppofite, 
 The fon of avarice, thriving in his mifery, 
 Jias abundance of maxims, which he pours 
 forth withput relenting upon the votaries of 
 heedlefs gaiety and unfruitful difiipation, 
 who are content in return with urging the 
 infuificiency of wealth, and the folly of 
 thole who feek it. Various are the apoph- 
 th^gms by which Philofophy is enabled to 
 
 condemn
 
 N3i- OLLAPODRIDA. 313 
 
 condemn ignorance ; and ignorance is quite 
 fatisfied with itfelf in ridiculing the vanity 
 of human wifdom. 
 
 An attempt has lately been made to ref- 
 cue the lower orders of people from their 
 extreme of ignorance, by the appropriating 
 one day in the week to the inftilling of re- 
 ligious knowledge into the minds of the 
 young, and exciting in them a defire of in- 
 tellectual improvement. For the profecu- 
 tion of this plan, fermons have been preach- 
 ed, fubfcriptions opened, and every mode 
 of perfuafien and encouragement been 
 adopted, that wealth, learning, and bene- 
 volence could fuggeft. Yet to thefe lauda- 
 ble defigns there have been found many 
 enemies. Armed with the fallacies of logic, 
 they have with fufficient ingenuity demon- 
 {Irated to us, that the ignorance of the 
 multitude is a public good ; that to the 
 " hewers of wood, and drawers of water," 
 learning is injurious, or unprofitable ; and 
 that the hufbandman and the mechanick 
 have other objects on which their attention 
 is more properly engaged than wifdom and 
 fcience. All the arguments which were
 
 3 i4 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3 i. 
 
 firft produced to reftrain the arrogance of 
 the overkffije, are made ufe of to reconcile 
 ignorance to its darknefs, and to hide the 
 light from thofewho, having never enjoyed 
 it, are little felicitous to acquire what they 
 have fo long been able to live without. 
 'Many of thefe reafoners have anfwered 
 fome private end. Some have difcovered 
 the Ikill with which they can argue in a 
 bad caufe ; and others, under the fan&ion 
 of fuch reafoning, have indulged their ava- 
 rice, by fparing their money. But let him 
 who would prove, that ignorance is either 
 a bleffing or a virtue, remember, that he 
 advances the pofition of a wicked man, 
 which he muft fupport with the arguments 
 of a fool. The lame reafon which informs 
 us, that to make fuch an attempt is unjuft, 
 adds the comfortable aflurance, that to fuo 
 ceed in it is impoffible. 
 
 There is, perhaps, fome caufe of com- 
 plaint againil: the people themfelves, who 
 appear too little anxious for their own 
 welfare, who neglect to catch the opportu- 
 nity which prefents itfelf of emerging 
 from their darknefs, and by their inatten- 
 tion
 
 N3*- OLLAPODRIDA. 315 
 
 tion thwart the defigns of thofe who in- 
 tereft themfelves in their behalf, or render 
 the fuccefs of them partial and limited. 
 There is, I believe, in the minds of the 
 lower clafs, an almofr. univerfal prevalence 
 of inclination to receive inftruction from 
 one of their own order. They choofe ra- 
 ther to deal with the fame peribn for their 
 cabbage-nets and their chriftianity, their 
 pickled pork and their prayers, than receive 
 their religious information from the hands 
 of him whom learning has made more able 
 to inform them, and who is more likely to 
 be honeft, if it be only that he has lefs 
 temptation to be otherwife, They have no 
 value for what they do not underhand, and 
 no inclination to underfrand what thofe 
 have taught them is unprofitable, whofe 
 intereft it is to flatter their ignorance, and 
 indulge their prejudices. 
 
 There are many perfons whom betrayed 
 confidence, or difappointed expectation, 
 have driven from the world, to indulge in 
 private their ill-founded refentment againft 
 the Sons of Men. They leave the haunts 
 and u the bufy hum of Men," to brood in 
 
 folitude
 
 3i6 OLLAPODRIDA. N 31. 
 
 folitude over their discontents ; they conti- 
 nue to live in the rtudious and conftant 
 neglect of the duties they owe to iociety, 
 aid endeavour, by perferverance, to per- 
 fuade themfelves they ^an defpife Mankind. 
 Net unfr-r-quently to this compound of 
 wickcdneis and folly do they give the title 
 of Philofuphy . It is the peculiar tendency 
 of fuch Philofophers to take upon them- 
 felves t u e office of fcrutinizing the fprings 
 of human ifitioffl, -vith no other intent than 
 to difcover their in-.perfections. They 
 employ their penetration with invidious 
 accuracy and malicious eagernefs, to detect 
 vices which were hidden from the world ; 
 they exiiibit them with the oftentation of a 
 difcovery ; they exaggerate them with every 
 art and expedient their invention can fug- 
 getl, or their fagacity approve. This is 
 the philofophical fyftem of many a hermit. 
 But be the fuccefs of fuch men's labours 
 what it may, they will be fo unfortunate as 
 to find Virtue enough in the world to de- 
 feat their hopes, and Happinefs fufficient 
 to enfure their mifery. 
 
 Upon
 
 N3i OLLA PODRIDA. 317 
 
 Upon the whole, perhaps, thePhilofophy 
 of a Reclufe has little claim to our encou- 
 ragement. That which is fometimes un- 
 friendly, and generally ufelefs, is feldom 
 commendable. The knowledge which is 
 cultivated, and not called into ufe for the 
 publick good, confers little benefit upon 
 man ; and the Religion which is exercifed 
 in fecret, with whatever fervour of devo- 
 tion, lofes much of its efficacy when it 
 hides fuch an example from the world. 
 
 It is too often that thefe reel ufe and 
 fplenetic Philofophers, whom I have men- 
 tioned, denounce their comprehenfive ana- 
 themas againft the Sons of Men, and con- 
 demn the whole fpecies for the crime of an 
 individual. 
 
 It is, perhaps, a dangerous indulgence, 
 by which we ever allow ourfelves to de- 
 claim in general terms againft the depravity 
 of human nature, and to give way to the 
 too frequent tendency of our hearts, when 1 
 we are irritated by particular offences to fay 
 in our hafte, " All Men are Liars," 
 
 It
 
 318 OLLA PODRIDA. N3i. 
 
 It might not be amifs for thofe who are 
 folicitous to Supply their neighbours on 
 every occafion with the appofite precepts of 
 proverbial wifdom, to be cautious left they 
 become more defirous of indulging their 
 ipleen than their benevolence ; more fond 
 of correcting vice, than reforming it ; and 
 left they find more pleafure in the detection 
 of evil, than in the bringing good to light. 
 
 NUM-
 
 [ 3'9 
 
 NUMBER XXXII. 
 
 
 SATURDAY, OSober 20, 1787. 
 
 Tbe Jhort and Jimpk annals of the poor. GRAY. 
 
 To the AUTHOR of the 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 If you mould efteem this little tale worth 
 a place in your amufing publication, you 
 will probably hear more from him, who is 
 yours, A WANDERER. 
 
 EING on a tour to the North, 1 was 
 one evening arrefted in my progrefs 
 at the entrance of a fmall Hamlet, by 
 breaking the fore-wheel of my phaeton. 
 
 This
 
 320 OLLAPODRIDA. N32. 
 
 This accident rendering it impracticable for 
 me to proceed to the next town, from 
 which I was now fixteen miles diftant, I 
 directed my fteps to a fmall cottage, at the 
 door of which, in a woodbine arbor, fat a 
 man of about fixty, who was folacing hifn- 
 felf with a pipe. In the front of his houfe 
 was affixed a fmall board, which I conceived 
 to contain an intimation, that travellers 
 might there be accommodated. Addrefling 
 myfelf therefore to the old man, I requeued 
 his affillance, which he readily granted ; 
 but on my mentioning an intention of re- 
 maining at his houfe all night, he regret- 
 ted that it was not in his power to receive 
 me, and the more fo, as there was no inn 
 in the village. It was not till now that I 
 difcovered my error concerning the board 
 over the door, which contained a notifica- 
 tion, that there was taught that ufeful art, 
 of which, if we credit Mrs. Baddeley's Me- 
 moirs, a certain noble Lord was fo grofsly 
 ignorant. In mort, my friend proved to 
 be the Schoolmafter, and probably Secre- 
 tary, to the Hamlet. Affairs were in this" 
 fituation when the Vicar made his appear- 
 ance.
 
 N32. OLLA PODRIDA. 321 
 
 ance. He was one of the mod venerable 
 figures I had ever feen ; his time- ill vered 
 locks (haded his temple, whilft the lines of 
 misfortune were, alas ! but too vifible in 
 his countenance. Time had foftened, but 
 could not efface them. On feeing my 
 broken equipage, he addrefled me; and 
 when he began to fpeak, his countenance 
 was illumined by a fmile. " I prefume, 
 " Sir, faid he, that the accident you have 
 *' juft experienced will render it impoffible 
 " for you to proceed. Should that be the 
 " cafe, you will be much diftreffed for 
 " lodgings, the place affording no accom- 
 " modations for travellers, as my parifhion- 
 " ers are neither willing nor able to fupport 
 " an alehoufe ; and as we have few tra- 
 " vellers, we have little need of one : But 
 4C if you will accept the beft accommoda- 
 " tion my cottage affords, it is much at 
 " your fervice." After expreffing the fenfe 
 I entertained of his goodnefs, I joyfully ac- 
 cepted fo defirable an offer. As we entered 
 the hamlet, the fun was gilding with his 
 departing beams the village fpire, whilft a 
 gentle breeze refreshed the weary hinds, 
 
 Y who,
 
 322 OLLA PODRIDA. N y>. 
 
 who, feated beneath the venerable oaks that 
 overftvadowed theLr cottages, were repofing 
 themfelves after the labours of the day, and 
 liftening attentively to the tale of an old 
 Soldier, who, like myfelf, had wandered 
 thus far y and was now diftreffed for a lodg- 
 ing. He had been in feveral actions, in 
 one of which he had loft a leg. ; and was 
 now, like many other brave fellows, 
 
 " Doom'd to beg 
 
 ** His bitter bread thro' realms his valor fav'd. w 
 
 t 
 
 My kind hoft invited me to join the 
 crowd, and li-ften to his [tale. With this 
 requeft I readily complied. No fooner did 
 we make our appearance, than I attracted 
 the attention of every one. The appear- 
 ance of a ftranger in a hamlet, two hun- 
 dred miles from the capital, is generally 
 productive of furprife ; and every one ex- 
 amples thfc new comer with the moft at" 
 tentive obfervation.- So wholly did my ar- 
 rival engrofs the villagers, that the Veteran 
 was obliged to defer the continuation of his 
 narrative, till their curioiity mould be gra- 
 tified. Every one there took an opportu- 
 nity
 
 N d 3 2' OLtAPODRIDA. 323 
 
 nity of teftifying the good will they bore 
 my venerable hoft, by offering him a feat 
 on the grafsc The good man and mylel^ 
 were foon feated, and the brave Veteran 
 refumed his narrative, in the following 
 Words : " After," continued he, " I had 
 " been intoxicated, I was carried before a 
 " juftice, who was intimate with the cap- 
 * 4 tain, at whofe requeft he attefted me 
 ** before I had fufficiently recovered my 
 ** fenfes to fee the danger I was encoun- 
 " tering. In the morning, when I came 
 " to myfelf, I found 1 was in cuftody of 
 " three or four foldiers, who, after telling 
 " me what had happened, in fpite of all I 
 ** could fay, carried me to the next town* 
 " without permitting me to take leave 
 " of one of my neighbours. When they 
 " reached the town it was market-day, and 
 " I faw feveral of the people from our vil- 
 44 lage, who were all forry to hear what 
 *' had happened, and endeavoured^ to pro- 
 " cure my releafe, but in vain. Aftet 
 "taking an afFefting leave of my neigh- 
 " hours, I was marched to Portfmouth, 
 44 and there, torjsthsr with an hundred 
 Y z " more,
 
 3:4 OLLA PODRIDA. N32. 
 
 " more, embarked for the coaft of Africa. 
 " During the voyage, moft of our number 
 " died, or became fo enfeebled by ficknefs 
 c< as to make them unfit for fervice. This 
 " was owing partly to the climate, partly 
 '* to the want of water, and to confinement 
 " in the (hip. When we reached the coaft 
 " of Africa, we were landed, and experienc- 
 *' ed every poffible cruelty from our offi- 
 " cers. At length, however, a man of 
 " war arrived, who had loft feveral mari- 
 " ners in a late action ; and I, with fome 
 " others, was fent on beard to ferve in 
 " that ftation. Soon after we put to fea, 
 " we fell in with a French man of war* 
 " In the action I loft my leg, and was near 
 " being thrown overboard ; but the hu- 
 " manity of the chaplain preferved my life, 
 " and on my return to England procured 
 *' my difcharge. I applied for the Chelfea 
 *' bounty ; but it was refufed me, becaufe 
 " I loft my limb when acting as a marine : 
 " and, as 1 was not a regular marine, I was 
 " not entitled to any protection from the 
 ** Admiralty. Therefore I am reduced to 
 "live on the good will of thofe who pity 
 
 " my
 
 N32. OLLA PODRIDA. 325 
 
 " my misfortunes. To be fure, mine is a 
 " hard lot ; but the King does not know it, 
 4 * or (Goo blefs his Majefty !) he is too good 
 " to let thofe flarve who have fought his 
 " battles." 
 
 The village clock now finking eight, 
 the worthy Vicar rofe, and, flipping fome- 
 thing into the old man's hand, defired me 
 to follow him. At our departure, the 
 Villagers promifed to take care of the old 
 man. We returned the farewell civilities 
 of the ruflics, and directed our fteps to the 
 vicarage. It was fmall, with a thatched 
 roof. The front was entirely covered with 
 woodbine and honeyfuckle, which ftrongly 
 fcented the circumambient air. A grove 
 of ancient oaks, that furrounded the houfe, 
 can 1 a folemn made over, and preferved the 
 verdure of the adjacent lawn, through the 
 midft of wnich ran a fmall brook, that 
 gently murmured as it flowed. This, to- 
 gether with the bleating of the (heep, the 
 lowing of the herds, the village murmurs, 
 and the diftant barkings of the trufty curs, 
 who were now entering on their office as 
 guardians of the hamlet, formed a concert, 
 Y 3 at
 
 OLLAPODRIDA. N32, 
 
 at lead equal to that in Tottenham- court-* 
 road. On entering the wicket, we were 
 met by a little girl of fix years old. Her 
 drefs was fimple, but elegant ; and her ap- 
 pearance fuch as fpoke her deftined for a 
 higher fphere. As foqn as me had inform- 
 ed her grandfather that fupper was ready, 
 fhe dropped a courtefy, and retired. I de- 
 layed not a moment to congratulate thor 
 good old mail on pofleffing fo great a trea- 
 fure. He replied, but with a figh ; and we 
 entered the houfe, where every thing was 
 diftinguifhed by an air of elegant fimplicity 
 that furprifed me. On our entrance, he 
 introduced me to his wife; a woman turned 
 of forty, who ftill ppifefled great remains 
 of beauty, and had much the appearance 
 of a woman of fafhion. She received me 
 with eafy politenefs, and regretted that me 
 had it not in her power to entertain me 
 better. I requested her not to diftrefs me 
 with uimeceflary apologies, and we fat down 
 to fupper. The Jittle angel, who welcomed 
 us at the door, now feating herfelf oppofite 
 to me, offered me an opportunity of con- 
 templating one of the finefi faces I hadevet- 
 
 behelcj,
 
 N3*. OLLA PODRIDA. 327 
 
 beheld. My worthy hoft, obferving how 
 much I was ftruck with her appearance, di- 
 rected my attention to a picture which hung 
 over the mantie. It was a finking likenefs 
 of my little neighbour, only on a larger 
 fcale. That, Sir, faidhe, is Harriet's mo- 
 ther. Do you not think there is a vaft re- 
 iemblance ? To this I afieiited; when the 
 old man put up a prayer to Heaven, that 
 me might refernble her mother in every 
 f:hing but her unhappy fate. He then ftart- 
 ed another topick of converfation, without 
 gratifying the curiofity he had excited con- 
 cerning the fate of Harriet's mother ; for 
 whom I already felt myfelf much interefl- 
 ed. Her tale, however, (hall be the fub- 
 jecT: of a future paper. X 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ 3*3 
 
 SATURDAY, Q&oter 27, 1787} 
 
 To tie A U T H O R of the. 
 O L L A P O D R I D A. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 1H A V E often beheld with concern the 
 {hameful condition of many churches 
 in England ; and I may venture to fay, 
 that the ruinous ftate in which they are 
 fuffered to continue, is one caufe of the 
 want of real piety in thofe who attend 
 them. They muft have a large flock of 
 religion in their hearts, who can preferve 
 
 any
 
 N33- OLLA PODRIDA. 329 
 
 any fpirit of devotion in fome of thefe fa- 
 bricks, where there is frequently nothing 
 to be feen, or heard, which can fix the at- 
 tention, or raife the mind to heaven. The 
 Romanifts adorn their churches with every 
 thing which can make them to appear 
 grand, folemn, and like what is called the 
 Houfe of God. Their mufic and finging 
 are 6ne; and all things in their fervices and 
 ceremonies confpire to raife their devotion. 
 I was led to this fubjecl by a late excur- 
 fion into the country, to a village not 
 twenty five miles from London. The 
 houles were much fcattered about, and 
 appeared beggarly ; but within fight of the 
 church there flood a gentleman's feat, 
 which was laid out with all the elegance 
 that could be beftowed upon the houfe and 
 grounds. The church-yard joined to the 
 park. Having furveyed every thing there, 
 it being Sunday, I went into the church ; to 
 which one miferable bell, much like a fmall 
 porridge- pot, called half a dozen people, 
 which number comprehended the congre- 
 gation. The church-yard itfelf was low 
 and wet ; a broken gate the entrance ; a 
 
 few
 
 330 OLLAPODRIDA. N'jj. 
 
 few fmall wooden tombs and an old yew- 
 tree the only ornaments. The inflde of the 
 church anfwered the outfide ; the walls 
 green with damp ; a few broken benches ; 
 with pieces of mats, dirty and very ragged ; 
 the flairs to the pulpit half worn away ; 
 the communion-table flood upon three legs 5 
 the rails worm-eaten, and half gone. The 
 Miriijler of this noble edifice was anfwera- 
 ble to it, in drefs and manners. Having 
 entered the church, he made the beft of 
 his way to the chancel, where he changed 
 his wig ; put on a dirty, iron-moulded, 
 ragged furplice ; and, after a fhort angry 
 dialogue with the clerk, entered his delk, 
 and began immediately without looking 
 into the book. He read as if he had ten 
 other churches to ferve that day, at as 
 many miles diftance from each other. The 
 clerk fang a melancholy folo ; neither tune 
 nor words of which I ever heard before. 
 Then followed a fhort, confufed, hurried 
 difcourfe j after this the fmall congregation 
 departed ; which had confifled of a gentle- 
 man and his family from the diftance of 
 about a mile and half, and two old men, 
 
 who
 
 N33- OLLA PODRIDA. 331 
 
 who conftantly attended for fixpence a 
 piece, given by that family. The door 
 was then Ihut, till the next Sunday came 
 round. 
 
 Thefe are literally and truly fa&s : and 
 that many other country churches are no 
 better, either within or without, nor better 
 ferved or attended, every body who has 
 gone through the fmaller villages in Eng- 
 land muft know. In fome of the moft 
 admired parts of our admired country, in 
 the neighbourhood of the capital, in pa- 
 rimes frequented by people of fortune, and 
 where perhaps three or four noble families 
 attend divine fervice every Sunday in the 
 fummer feafon, the churches are fuffered, 
 year after year, to be in a condition, in 
 which not one of thofe families would fuf- 
 fer the worft room in their houfe to conti- 
 nue for a week. . 
 
 This deplorable ftate of our churches 
 fhews, I think, the (rate of piety amongft 
 us more than any fingle circumllance, and 
 has an effecl: upon the minds of young 
 perfons which is very difcouraging. A 
 wretched, cold, damp building, far re- 
 moved
 
 332 OLLA PODRIDA. N' 33. 
 
 moved often from 1 all habitable dwellings ; 
 within light of which few people of confe- 
 quence care to live ; made the receptacle of 
 the dead ; vifited by the living only once a 
 week ; and then endangering the health of 
 thofe who vifit it, do we wonder that 
 people are glad to be difmified from fuch a 
 place, where nothing but horror and me- 
 lancholy ftrike their eyes and their 
 thoughts ? Nor can the fmeft difcourfc 
 from the pulpit difpel the gloom : and the 
 pfalm-finging in moft country churches is 
 far from contributing towards this falutary 
 end. 
 
 Who can expect, that the young and 
 gay will prefer this fcene to the pleafures 
 of the world ? It is not in general to be 
 expected. Would but the rich and great 
 in every village, who lavifh fums of money 
 on their own perfons, furniture, houfes, 
 grounds, &c. &c. would they but beftow 
 a little of it towards making the Houfe of 
 God, if not equal with their own habita- 
 tions, at leaft decent and chearful, and fuch 
 as may be entered fafely and without fear ; 
 very great indeed would be the effect on 
 
 multi-
 
 N33- OLLAPODRIDA. 333 
 
 multitudes ! It is difficult to conceive how 
 a fmall portion of a large income can be 
 expended more to the credit of the donor, 
 or to the benefit of his neighbours. 
 
 We naturally call to mind, upon this 
 occafion, the uneafinefs felt and exprefled 
 by the royal prophet, on confidering the 
 magnificence of his own houfe, and the 
 little or no care taken of the Ark of God. 
 And if we reflect ferioufly on the necejfity 
 of having places confecrated to facred pur- 
 pofes, and the importance of their being 
 kept up with due reverence, two other 
 remarkable paffages in Holy Writ will 
 occur to every rhinking perfon. When 
 the fecond temple was built, and adorned 
 by order of king Artaxerxes, we find Ezra 
 addreffing himfelf to heaven in thefe 
 words ; " Blefled be the Lord God of our 
 " fathers, who has put iuch a thing as this 
 " into the king's heart, to beautify the 
 <c Houfe of the Lord." And we cannot 
 but admire the wifdom of the Jews ; who 
 when afking of our Lord a favour for the 
 Centurion, fay, " He loveth our nation, 
 
 " and
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. N*^, 
 
 " and hath built us a fynagogue." Theii 
 the Saviour went with them. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your obedient humble fervant, 
 A Friend to Decency in Religious Worjhip. 
 
 T H E obfervations made by my cor re* 
 fpondent are, I fear, but too jufl ; and I 
 moft readily embrace the opportunity of 
 recommending them to the consideration of 
 all whom they may concern. 
 
 The inhabitants of mod country parishes 
 are prevented by their poverty from doing 
 much in matters of this kind. The necef- 
 fary repairs are often a fufficient burden. 
 Opulent families fliould therefore flep for- 
 ward, and take upon them the articles of 
 ornament and beauty, or at leaft conve- 
 nience and comfort. They themfelves 
 would be the firft to enjoy the advantages ; 
 of which it may not, furely, be accounted 
 the leaft, to be faved from the neceifiry of 
 blufhing, when foreigners, or perfons of a 
 different perfuafion, behold the wretched 
 condition of the church by them frequent- 
 ed. A few good examples could not fail of 
 
 being
 
 N33- OLLAPODRIDA. 33$ 
 
 being followed ; and fafhion, in this parti- 
 cular, might foon be put on the ilde of re- 
 ligion. 
 
 Indeed, unlefs the nobility and gentry 
 (hall be pleafed to lend their affiftance, from 
 having bad churches, we {hall come to 
 have none at all. Many of them were built 
 about the fame time ; and about the fame 
 time, if not well looked to, will be fall- 
 ing : and it is eafier to fupport, than to 
 build. 
 
 It may be queftioned, whether the Go- 
 thick form, though fo venerable for its an- 
 tiquity, do not itfelf occafion fome of the 
 inconveniences above lamented. A fmaller 
 and more compact room would often con- 
 tain the congregation ; and the fervice might 
 be performed in it with more eafe and bene- 
 fit both to the fpeaker and the hearer. It 
 would be lefs fubject to damp and cold, and 
 .at the fame time more light and cheerful. 
 For notwithftanding the celebrated line of 
 Milton, there is no natural connection be- 
 tween darknefs and religion, which is the 
 fource of joy and comfort, of light and 
 4
 
 336 OLLA PODRIDA. N 33. 
 
 life, to the human heart, and fhould difpel 
 gloom and melancholy, wherever it comes. 
 Towards the promotion of this definable 
 end, a due performance of pfalmody could 
 not fail greatly to contribute, as it was moft 
 undoubtedly intended to do. At prefent, 
 in many country churches, it is either dif- 
 mal, or ridiculous ; and our people are fre- 
 quently induced to fall off to other religious 
 aflemblies, by the fuperior melody to be 
 heard in them. There is hope, however, 
 of fome reformation among us in this part 
 of divine worfhip ; as many worthy clergy- 
 men have turned their thoughts this way, 
 and fele&ed proper tunes and projper words 
 for the purpofe. But whoever wifhes to 
 fee this matter thoroughly difcuffed, and a 
 proper plan propofed, muft confult the fen- 
 fible and excellent pamphlet lately publifh- 
 ed by Dr. Vincent on the fubjecl. 
 
 S* 
 
 
 NUM.
 
 t 337 3 
 NUMBER XXXIV. 
 
 SATURDAY, November 3, 1787, 
 
 To the AUTHOR of 
 OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 Fungar 'vice Cotis. HOR. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 HEN you commenced your career, 
 
 w 
 
 as a periodical editor, you enume- 
 rated with a minutenefs of detail the vari- 
 ous ingredients of which your Farrago was 
 to be compofed. Having ever efteemed a 
 difcuffion of the merits of literary compofi- 
 tions a very pleating and profitable exercife 
 
 Z of
 
 338 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3 4. 
 
 of the judgment, with great fatisfaction 1 
 perceived that criticifm formed no inconfi- 
 derable part of your defign. In your earlier 
 numbers, my wifhes were gratified by fe- 
 veral judicious ftrictures on particular works 
 of fome ancient and modern writers. But 
 lately, whether deeming fuch fpeculations 
 unworthy of your attention, or catching 
 the momentary but virtuous phrenzy of re- 
 formation, you have devoted your Lucu- 
 brations to obje&s, to which his Majefty's 
 moft gracious Proclamation, and the exer- 
 tions of thofe intelligent magiftrates, the 
 juftices, might be directed, with equal 
 propriety, and perhaps with as great a pro- 
 bability of fuccefs. 
 
 I mean not to reprehend your co-opera- 
 tive induftry, but am defirous only of re- 
 calling to the recollection of your readers, 
 that criticifm was included in your origi- 
 nal plan ; and that the fubject of this Let- 
 ter, though of a different complexion from 
 fome of your recent numbers, is not con- 
 tradictory to the general tenor of your de- 
 fign . 
 
 It
 
 N34> OLLAPODRIDA. 339 
 
 It is not my intention to trouble either 
 you or your readers with remarks on any 
 voluminous competition of eminent wri- 
 ters, or fcrupuloufly to balance the nice 
 difcriminations of varying commentators. 
 No, Sir, mine is a virgin -theme, as yet 
 untouched by the rude hand of criticifm ; 
 and unreftrained by the galling (hackles of 
 prefcriptive method. And, perhaps, my 
 efforts may not be unattended with fome 
 advantage immediately to yourfelf, as the 
 competitions to which I allude have com- 
 monly been difFufed through periodical 
 channels. Thefe competitions are thofe 
 narrations of blended fiftion and fentiment, 
 which, too inconfiderable from their tize 
 to fwell into circulatory duodecimos, af- 
 fume the general humble denomination of 
 TALES, and are diftinguimed by the epi- 
 thets tender , patfatic, Jentimental^ founded 
 on faft , &c. &c. 
 
 As Ariftotle deduced his Rules from the 
 great Originals who preceded him, it 
 fhall be my province to follow fo illuftri- 
 ous an example, and in this primary efTay 
 to inculcate fome general precepts, and not 
 
 Z 2 tO
 
 340 OLLA PODRfftA. ^3^ 
 
 to point out in detail or extract individual' 
 excellences which are profufely fcattered' 
 though the ample labours of writers of this" 
 defcriptron. 
 
 It is effential to a Tale that it fhould be 
 fender, for who is there that would not 
 deiire for his Works the precious balm of a* 
 figh or a tear, rather than that they 
 fhould excite the applaufe of a fmile or the 
 boifterous acclamation of laughter ? 
 
 It fhould not abound too much in inci-" 
 dent, left the curiofity be excited as much 
 as the finer feelings. 
 
 The opening of a Tale fhould be abrupt, 
 and the author fhould commonly profefs 
 that his knowledge of it had arifen from 
 lome unforefeen accident. This faves the 
 trouble of a long introduction, and brings 
 the author and reader fairly at once into 
 the fubjeclf. A piece of butter on a torn 
 leaf, the being benighted on a long jour- 
 ney, the traveller's horfe lofing a fhoe, 
 have been fuch hacknied expedients that I 
 cannot poffibly approve their repetition* 
 The introduction of the mail-ccach is 
 however a new and fortunate epochj and 
 I doubt
 
 N34- OLLA PODRIDA. 345 
 
 : doubt not of its being fpeedily adopted by 
 feveral writers in every variation of frac- 
 ture, until the whole flock of cafualties be 
 .exhausted. 
 
 The principal incident fhould not be ex- 
 travagant, but be fome common occur- 
 rence, that it may come home to the bofoms 
 of a great number. A tender fair-one re- 
 duced by her lover a dutiful bn turned 
 /out of doors by an unnatural father a 
 marriage of love and inclination thwarted 
 by unfeeling parents- and all common 
 events of a fimijar nature, are admirable 
 Copies. 
 
 So much for the plot or ground-work, in 
 which at intervals fhould be interfperfed 
 inferior circumstances, pathetic if poflible ; 
 but the more minute they are, the greater 
 will be their effect. A dog* a cow lowing 
 for its calf a weeping willow a withered 
 oak r-an old woman thin grey hairs- on a 
 human head and the like, may certainly 
 be introduced with great fuccefs. 
 
 The diction may be allowed to be gene- 
 rally unequal, but fhould unqueftionably 
 be florid and elevated at thofe intervals of 
 
 Z 3 the
 
 342 OLLA PODRIDA. N3 4 . 
 
 the narration where fuch embellifhments 
 may be requifite. Horace's prohibition of 
 the '* pttrfurei pann?* muft be totally dif- 
 regarded. 
 
 Exclamations mould never be ufed with- 
 out the moft abfolute neceffity. They are 
 a fpecies of affront on the feelings of a rea- 
 der, who throws down the book with in- 
 dignation when he is informed at what paf- 
 fages he is to be affected. Alas ! has had its 
 day, and muft now fubmit in its turn to 
 the common chance of worldly revolutions. 
 Indeed, it would be fcarcely noticed, were 
 not the mark of interjection / commonly 
 annexed to it. -Dames are more ftriking 
 and pathetic and are befides a very neat 
 addition of typographical ornament. 
 
 In refpeft to Epithets, great caution is 
 indifpenfable. The fun is ever golden^ the 
 moon ever fiher : the fea is azure, and the 
 meadow verdant : the foliage of the trees is 
 commonly green^ except in the fombre or 
 dark-pathetic, when the autumnal tinge 
 greatly enhances the pathos. 
 
 Mythology and Allegory muft "be intro- 
 duced with circumfpedtion. The darts of 
 
 Cupid*
 
 N34- OLLA PODRIDA. 343 
 
 Cupid^ thej&vi of ambition, the 'warmth of 
 love, the coldnefs of difdain, from their 
 general acceptation, may be ufed without 
 danger. 
 
 Allufions derived from Natural Philofo- 
 phy are more novel and brilliant the elec- 
 trical Jhock of pLiJJion, the vibration of reci- 
 procal feelings, and all phrafes of the lame 
 cart, if the reader be a young lady at a 
 boa^ding-fchool, or a young gentleman 
 behind a counter, tend at once to dazzle and 
 furprize. 
 
 To infinuate or even to dire&ly advance 
 a coincidence between the Hero or Heroine, 
 and any relative accompanying circum- 
 jftance, is wonderfully efficacious, but is a 
 felicity, though frequently attempted, not 
 always attained by the moft eminent au- 
 thors. The following inftances may pro- 
 bably exemplify my meaning : In one cor- 
 ner of the feld was a venerable elm, bare at 
 the bottom, with its top fcantily crowned with 
 leaves, which formed no inappojite Jimilitude 
 of the venerable owner, verging to the grave 
 by a gradual and natural decay this is of 
 the latter kind in the direl fpecies may 
 Z 4 be
 
 344- OLLAPODRIDA. N 34. 
 
 be clafledfuch patTages, as, the lovely Maria, 
 cheriJJjed by the tender care of a parent, de- 
 ligkted to contemplate the fragile and fragrant 
 woodbine twining its Jlender folds around the 
 fupporting poplar. 
 
 Though at firft fight it may appear ia- 
 confidernble, it is really material to afllgn, 
 appropriate, and charafteriilic names and 
 places ; Cajfander, C/eora, and all the lift of 
 Romantic or liiftoric appellations, have 
 been long exploded, and invention is now 
 freely permitted to create and to apply. 
 The name of the Hero mould therefore ex- 
 cite refpect by a due arrangement of har- 
 monious and fonorous letters ; and that of 
 the Heroine mould melt into liquid foft- 
 nefs. Titles of amiable perfonages mould 
 gently flow : fuch as are intended to create 
 difguft, fhould hoarfely rumble. 
 
 Place is far from being an unimportant 
 onfideratipn in the texture of tales. To 
 introduce the Dreader to an amiable pair, 
 fitting by a good coal-fire, is a minute but 
 unfentimental circumftance. I would al? 
 ways therefore recommend a bovver, which, 
 though not common in real, is very con- 
 venient
 
 N34- OLLAPODRIDA. 345 
 
 venient in fictitious gardens but left it 
 might be miftaken for one pf the lath edi- 
 fices fo frequent under this denomination 
 in the vicinity of Lqndpn, it (hould like- 
 wife be covered with honey fuckle or jafmin ? 
 ivhofe truant fprlgs the Heroine s gentle hand, 
 tnay be fuppofed to have conduced along the 
 Convex trellis. 
 
 The Denouement of a Tale muft be fim-? 
 pie if the principal incident be fo. Yet it 
 will admit endlefs variations, and in all 
 cafes, where the author is in the Jeaft de- 
 gree embarraffed, a Fragment is a never- 
 failing expedient and here I cannot but 
 commend the great convenience of thofe 
 intervals which occur in periodical publica- 
 tions \ for by them an author is enabled tq 
 drop his narratiye all at once, and to leave 
 Jiis reader for a week in an agreeable ftate. 
 pf fufpence and expectation. 
 
 Morality, though not eflential, is a pretty 
 prnament to a Tale ; yet it fhould be fpar- 
 ingly adopted. I have ever greatly admired 
 the infinuation vyhich authors of this de- 
 fcription fo delicately convey refpecling the 
 conjugal fidelity of their married heroines $
 
 346 OLLA PODRIDA. N 34. 
 
 for we are univerfally informed, that the 
 boys are the very pictures of their fathers, 
 and that the girls have all the graces of their 
 mothers. 
 
 Such, Sir, are fome of the opinions I 
 have formed on this fubjeft, which I have 
 thrown together without order or connec- 
 tion ; and if from them the rifing genera'-' on 
 of tale- writers may cull any ufeful or improv- 
 ing hints, my ambition will be gratified : 
 If you imagine that they may contribute to 
 the amufement of the publick, they are very 
 much at your fervice. A. M. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 [ 347 ] 
 
 NUMBER XXXV. 
 
 SATURDAY, Novembers, 1787. 
 
 Ilk ego qui quondam 
 
 SI R, 
 
 ACorrefpondent, who may or may not 
 have engaged the attention of your 
 readers, once more addrefles you. My laft 
 letter to you, which contained an account 
 of Mr. Hatchpenny, contained likewife my 
 promife to give you fome infight into the 
 character of his wife. I mail therefore pro- 
 ceed in my plan without farther ceremony, 
 notwithflanding that my correfpondence 
 with you has procured me, among my fchool- 
 fellows, the title of " The Sucking So-* 
 
 crates" 
 
 Mrs.
 
 OLLA PODRID A. N 55 , 
 
 Mrs. Hatchpenny is that fort of woman, 
 which the kindne-fs, or the farcafm of the 
 xvodd (I am at a lofs to fay which) calls a, 
 managing Houfe\yife. Being rather limi- 
 ted in her ideas of human capacity, (he 
 confiders it as the fum total of every virtue 
 to make things go as fir as they can, and the 
 perfe&ion of accompli mt^ents to keep her 
 houfe clean. Her refinements in economy 
 are the general topics of her converfation, 
 and (he triumphs in defying her neighbours 
 to fay they ever faw a fpeck of dirt upon, 
 her hearth, or a chair out of its proper 
 place. 
 
 Nor long ago I heard her informing a 
 (Company, that (Jie never hired a man-fer* 
 yant ynlefs he could whittle. When 
 her audience were flaring at each other 
 with Jooks of eager enquiry, (he added, 
 f * when he goes to draw the beer, I con- 
 flantly attend him to the top of the cellar- 
 fhirs, and infift_upon bis whittling all the 
 time he remains below :" concluding na? 
 tu rally enough, that the fame mouth 
 vvhiftle an.d drinl^: at the fame time.
 
 '#. OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 My Aunt makes her Solomon and me 
 fcrape our feet twenty times a day ; and 
 every Saturday night we are Compelled to' 
 go up ftairs without our (hoes, becaufe the 
 houfe has been wafhed', and Molly has? 
 fomething elfe to do, betides fcruMing after 
 us for ever. 
 
 Notwithstanding her attention tooecono- v 
 my, {he is fond'of fme clothes, or, as me 
 calls it, " looking like other people ;" to ac- 
 complilh whkh, being now about eleven? 
 years paft her meridian, and weighing 
 about twenty- three (tone avoirdnpoife, ihe 
 dreffes herfelf in white, with a pink fa(h, 
 and a proper affortment of pink ribbons. If 
 you have ever been fb fortunate, gentle 
 reader, as to catch an Aurora borealls in 
 the via laSlea^ you cannot be at a lofs for a* 
 fimile to which you may liken the Heroine 
 of my hiftory. 
 
 The converfation of my Aunt, particu- 
 larly when me looks like other people > has 
 fomething in it not perhaps very peculiar,- 
 yet ot altogether unworthy of notice. 
 She is what I have heard in the Borough 
 called^ a fne-JpQkm Gentlewoman. By 
 
 which
 
 OLLAPODRIDA. N 35. 
 
 which I am led to conceive their fine fpeak- 
 ing confifts in volubility of utterance, and 
 a readinefs in the vulgar tongue. Her 
 fpeeches, however, are full of animated 
 matter, and rhetorical figure, and deliver- 
 ed in a tone of voice much like that of 
 Caius Gracchus without his pitch-pipe. 
 She talks of " giving the hydra-head of 
 ** fafhion a rap on the knuckles ;" and, when 
 me wants a fimile, generally has recourfe 
 to a fugar-loaf, a roll of pig-tail, or the 
 Monument ; fometimes however obferving, 
 that the coaches rattle by her door like any 
 thing. 
 
 Thus her ftyle is ornamented with the 
 beft flowers of rhetoric, fimiles, and meta- 
 phors ; fimiles which, by a peculiar felici- 
 ty, convey no ideas of fimilitude ; and 
 metaphors which illustrate nothing but 
 their own confulion. 
 
 My Aunt has many amiable qualities. 
 Her fidelity to Solomon is unimpeached, 
 and invincible. She is conftant in her at- 
 tendance at Church, unlefs perchanc" (he 
 has received a card of information, that 
 Mrs. Deputy Peppercorn will wait on Mrs. 
 2 Hatch-
 
 N35- OLLAPODRIDA. 351 
 
 Hatch penny to dinner on Monday. In 
 this* cafe me prudently ftays at home, 
 whips up five fyllabubs when there will be 
 only four at dinner, returns her card of 
 compliments, and waits with impatience to 
 fee Mrs. Peppercorn. The good lady has 
 a juft claim to the title of compaffionate. 
 She cannot bear thofe vile people who drive 
 oxen through the ftreets of London, and 
 cut the poor creters about the legs till they 
 look enough to make one Jlck. But companion, 
 which connfts only in words, does not con- 
 tent her. She gives in chanty to a poor boy 
 every week a penny, contriving within the 
 feven days to fend him at lead on fourteen 
 errands. My Aunt contents herfelf with the 
 idea that no one can fay me is uncharitable. 
 I have fomewhere heard of an ingeniousPhi- 
 lofopher, who turned his fhirt, and obferved 
 with the fame fpirit of contentment and 
 fatisfa&ion, " What a comfort there h In 
 clean linen /" 
 
 Mrs. Hatchpenny was fo kind as to take 
 me with her, on Saturday laft, to a tea- 
 drinking party, at Brompton, to which 
 my uncle Solomon was invited ; but the 
 
 wind
 
 352 OLLA PODRIDA. N^ 
 
 tvind being in the eaft, and ftocks low, he 
 fancied he had a cold, and ftayed at home. 
 As we went by appointment early, we had 
 difcuffed fome weighty points before the 
 tea entered. We had already learnt, that 
 Mifs Primrofe gave fifteen (hillings a yard 
 for her apron, and that (he bought it from 
 the (hop at the corner of Juniper- ft reet. 
 Captain Makeweight had bruifed his fide 
 by a fall in the Artillery ground, his fword 
 getting between his legs, and thereby lay- 
 ing him fprawling. Mr. Titus Oats, a 
 country coufin, had loft his turnips by the 
 fly Mils Tallboy had fprained her anclej 
 by climbing an apple -tree-^-Mrs. PofTet 
 had been at the Hackney affembly ; and to 1 
 be fure Mifs Cardamum was the belle of 
 the place, till (he began dancing, and then 
 fhe moved for all the world like ;i raw mi- 
 litia-man to the quick march Or, faid the 
 lady of the houfe, with a good-humoured 
 fmile, like an elephant upon hot bricks* 
 Or (added my Aunt) like St. Paul's upon 
 four wheels* The tea now arrived, and 
 between the rattling of the cups, we had 
 only time to fling in an obfervation or two 
 
 like
 
 N 3$. OLLA PODRIDA. 253 
 
 like the chorus of a Greek play, when the 
 perfons of the dialogue are taking breath. 
 We pafled a few ftri&ures upon the widow 
 Scramble's (fourth) marriage; and after the 
 removal of the tea-table, and a fhort review 
 of our abfent neighbour's conduct, 'a gene- 
 ral converfation took place, each addrefimg 
 the perfon who fat upon the neareft chair. 
 My Aunt in the mean time could not help 
 glancing firft at the apron which had created 
 a former converfation, and then at her 
 own, being confcious that me had given 
 two and twenty millings a yard for every 
 inch of her's ^Unfortunately, no one aflted 
 the price of it, and (he found herfelf under 
 the difagreeable neceffity of informing the 
 company, unfolicited, that me bought it at 
 the fame time when Mr. Hatchpenny fined 
 for meriff; which is now feven years, 
 come next Lord Mayor. My Aunt then 
 took occafion to defcant upon the conve- 
 nient fituation of their (hop in the Borough ; 
 to do the bufinefs of which, (he obferved 
 with fome emphafis, " they 'were obliged to 
 keep four journeymen, feck and perch all the 
 A a year
 
 354 OLLA PODRIDA. N 35. 
 
 year round^ one day with another. Happily 
 I was at hand to explain to the company, 
 which I did with great pleafure, that the 
 words peck and perch (a favourite mataphor 
 with my Aunt) were an allufion to the in- 
 habitant of a bird-cage, and meant nothing 
 more than board and lodging. 
 
 " How do you like your neighbours the 
 Hatchpennys ?" faid Mifs Primrofe, in a 
 whifper to the lady of the houfe. 4< They 
 are monftroufly entertaining," faid the 
 other. A dialogue of a curious nature then 
 commenced, in which it was remarkable, 
 that the one regularly began a fentence, and 
 the other as regularly finimed it. "As for 
 him (faid the firft) he's a churlifh old fool, 
 with all the qualities of a bear" " except 
 his dancing," returned the other. Ct She's 
 a great oeconomift, I hear" " Yes, in 
 every thing but her fpeech." " She's the 
 envy of her neighbourhood, for her great 
 prudence," " and her green pickles." 
 " Her reputation, and her gown, are ever 
 without fpot" " The one becaufe (he's fo 
 unreafonably ugly, and the other becaufe 
 
 (he
 
 N3? OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 fhe takes fuch excellent care of it." " She's 
 very nimble at cards" " and, never haying 
 been detected in cheating, may be faid to 
 have had a perpetual run of good luck." 
 How far this dialogue proceeded, I know 
 not, for our candle and lanthern now called 
 us to the peaceful abode of my Uncle, 
 whom, upon our return, we found, contrary 
 to all the rules of domeftick felicity, fitting 
 with one foot upon the hearth, and a bottle 
 by his fide, which I ftrongly fufpecl to have 
 contained fome of the right Herefordlhire. 
 Upon our entrance, the pofition of the foot 
 was quickly altered, and the bottle placed 
 in the cup-board. My Aunt withdrew, in 
 order to diveft herfelf of her fplendour, 
 before the fupper came, remarking point- 
 edly enough, that the wear and tear of 
 clothes in carving was amazing and pro- 
 digious. The incidents of the next two 
 hours were few, and may be eafily told 
 Stocks had, from the accounts of that even- 
 ing, rifen one and a half, and my Uncle's 
 cold was better. At length, after a fhort 
 differtation upon the folly of mankind, 
 A a 2 and
 
 OLLA PODRIDA. N3 5 . 
 
 and the extravagant demands of theChelfea 
 bun-makers, we recollected that it was Sa- 
 turday night, pulled off our fhoes, and re- 
 tired to reft. 
 
 I am, &c. 
 
 SOCRATES IN EMBRYO. 
 
 NUM.
 
 C 357 ] 
 
 NUMBER XXXVL 
 
 SATURDAY, November 17, 1787, 
 
 Cum Groeciam wriverfam It mere rapldoper- 
 agraverit, nihilforedeGrtecid, nJhil vereAt- 
 ticum nut quoi)ls modo mcmorabilc domum repor- 
 tabit ; cum fcilicet fath habuent peregrinantium 
 plurimorum ritu, locorum nomina forfan &Jifus 
 in tranjcurju notdffe ; mterea vero ctvium mo- 
 res & injlituta, prteclara 6? Virtutum G? Inge- 
 mi monumenta, oculo diligenti & curlojo neutl- 
 quam exploraverit. 
 
 Burton! in nstfoiXototv Dedicatio. 
 
 TH E various advantages which a Tra- 
 veller may derive from an acquain- 
 tance with the modern languages, are too 
 A a 3 obvious
 
 353 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 6. 
 
 obvious to require a minute detail. There 
 is one, however, which deferves particu- 
 larly to be pointed out, for, inconfiderable as 
 it may appear in the estimation of young 
 men of fortune, it will have no fmall 
 weight with their Parents and Guardians. 
 I allude to the confiderable expence which 
 may be prevented by thofe who are able to 
 converfe with the natives of other coun- 
 tries in their own language. He who is a 
 tolerable Linguift may be fuppofed to un- 
 derftand manners and cuftoms ; and few 
 men, however knavifh, will attempt to 
 cheat him who feems as wife as themfelves. 
 Ready and plaufible converfation will dif- 
 concert the attacks of impofition, and elude 
 the Stratagems of chicane. The French 
 imagine that England produces as much 
 gold as the coaft of Africa ; and that Mon- 
 fieur John Bull leaves his native country 
 merely to fcatter his money with thought* 
 lefs profufion about the Continent. In con- 
 fcquence of this extravagant opinion, he 
 rarely efcapes without paying five times the 
 real value for every commodity. His poc- 
 ket is fuppofed to be a rich bank, upon 
 
 which 

 
 Ns6. OLLAPODRIDA. 359 
 
 which every rapacious Frenchman may 
 draw at pleafure ; and of courfe demands 
 are made upon it with inceflant avidity, 
 and unrelenting extortion, Thefe remarks 
 are indebted for no fmall degree of confir- 
 mation to the following authentic anecdote. 
 An officer of the regiment d'Artois, who 
 was on a journey from London to Paris, 
 fpent the night at the Hotel tfAngleterre, 
 at Calais. On examining his bill the next 
 morning, he found that he was charged a 
 guinea for his fupper, which had confifted 
 only of cold meat and a bottle ofvin de pals. 
 Enraged at fo grofs an impofition, he fum- 
 moned the matter of the Inn, and infifted 
 upon an abatement. Milord, faid the land- 
 lord, / cannot dif grace an Engli/hman of your 
 rank by charging him a lefs price. Sirrah, 
 replied the Officer, I am not a man of qua- 
 lily, but a poor Lieutenant In thefervtce of the 
 Grand Monarque. Morbleul rejoined the 
 Landlord, / confefs I have made an egregious 
 blunder. / hope your honour will forgive me 
 if I reduce my demand to half a crown, 
 
 A a 4 It
 
 360 O L L A P O D R I D A. N 36, 
 
 It is not lefs neceffary for a traveller to 
 fet out with thefe qualifications, which 
 will enable him to repel the incroachments 
 qf impofition, than it is delirable for him, 
 to have ftored his mind with domeftick in- 
 formation. The author of the Tableau de 
 Paris remarks, with great jufhiefs, that 
 we are not beft acquainted with thofc 
 things which every day affords us an op- 
 portunity of feeing. Cu.riofity is a. languid 
 principle where accefs is eafy, and gratifi- 
 cation is immediate. Remotenefs and dif- 
 ficulty are powerful incentives to its vigor- 
 ous and lafling operations. By many who 
 live within the found of Bow Bell, the in- 
 ternal wonders of St. Paul's, or the Tower, 
 may not be thought in the leaft degree in- 
 tereftiug. Yet how juftly would fuch per- 
 fons be clafTed with the incurious of /Efop if 
 on vifiting their country friends it mould 
 appear, that they had never been in the 
 Whifpering Gallery, or feen the Lions { 
 Equally ridiculous is that Englimman who 
 roams in fearch of curiofities abroad, with-: 
 out having previoufly infpe&ed the great 
 beauties of nature and art at home. Sir 
 
 Solomon
 
 N3 6 - OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 jSolompn Simple, before he was informed at 
 Venice that the Pantheon, and St. Stephen's, 
 Walbrook, in London, were two of thefirft 
 pieces of architecture in Europe, had never 
 heard that fuch buildings exifted. 
 
 When a man fays he is going to vifit 
 foreign countries, it is neceffary to be ac- 
 quainted with his difpofition and turn of 
 mind to understand what he defigns by the 
 declaration. The Scholar, the Connoifleur, 
 the Man of Fafhion, the Merchant, intend 
 to convey very different ideas by the fame 
 phrafe. They may all be carried to the 
 Continent in the fame Ship, but, as their 
 fchemes are of the moft diffimilar kinds, 
 they feparate never to meet again. Like the 
 diverging rays of Light, they all iffue from 
 the fame point, but go off in various direc- 
 tions. Their refpeclive purfuits eftablifh the 
 analogy which is obferved between Travel- 
 ling and the Study of Hiftory. Characters, 
 Manners, Cufloms, Laws, Government, 
 Antiquities, Arts, Sciences, and Commerce, 
 form the materials for obfervation to the 
 Traveller as well as the Reader. Thefe offer 
 to. both the higheft, as well as the loweft, 
 intellectual gratifications. The Philofopher 
 
 improves
 
 362 OLLA PODRIDA. N 3 6. 
 
 improves his Theories by an intimate ac- 
 quaintance with the characters of mankind ; 
 and the Trifler kills his time in a manner 
 entertaining to himfelf and inofFenfive to 
 the publick. 
 
 It is the fafhion of the prefent times to 
 fldm over the furface of things, and to dive 
 to the bottom for nothing. General know- 
 ledge is moft unqueftionably moft defirea- 
 ble, becaufe it is Deft calculated for general 
 intercourfe with mankind. He, however, 
 who dares to make falfe pretenfions to it, 
 meets with Ridicule whilft he lays fnares 
 for Applaufe. Such likewife is the reward 
 of thofe who talk familiarly of Perfons 
 whom they never knew, and defcribe 
 Places which they never faw. When fer- 
 tility of invention deferts the ftandard of 
 truth to aid the boafts of vanity, it becomes 
 not only a dangerous but a defpicable 
 talent. Captain Lemuel Slnbad (who 
 never extended his travels beyond Flanders) 
 will teil you he fhook hands with old Fre- 
 derick the laft time he reviewed his troops 
 at Potfdam. Mention the Emperor of Ger- 
 many, he will pofitively aflert, that he 
 
 had
 
 Ns6. OLLA PODRIDA. 363 
 
 had a private converfation with him upon 
 the improvement of Gun Barrels. As for 
 the Earthquakes in Calabria, he accompa- 
 nied Sir William Hamilton to afcertain the 
 extent of their effects. He went frequently 
 to moot with the King of Naples, and was 
 informed at Conftantinople, by a Baihaw of 
 three Tails, that the Grand Signior would 
 certainly declare war againft the Emprefs. 
 The Captain relates his incredible adven- 
 tures in different companies with fuch ma- 
 terial variations of circumftances, as repel 
 belief, and deftroy probability. He is gene- 
 rally as much at war with himfelf, as with 
 the accounts given by others. But neither 
 the incredulous laugh, nor flirewd cavils 
 of his friends, can cure him of his darling 
 paflion for fiction, becaufe he can fupport 
 the tottering frabrick of romance with the 
 props of fubtle and prompt argument. 
 Nothing pleafes him more than to find that 
 the eel of fophiftry will often elude the 
 ftrongeft grafp of objection. The Captain 
 bears a clofe refemblance to the noted 
 Pfalmanazar, to whom when it was object- 
 ed, that, as the fun was vertical at Formofa, 
 
 all
 
 364 OLLA PODRIDA, N 3 36. 
 
 all the fires rnuft be extinguiihed, readily, 
 replied, that to prevent Juch inconveniences 
 the chimniss ivere built obliquely. 
 
 By way of conclufion to this paper, fuch 
 a iketch of character and detail of circumr 
 fiances fhall be exhibited as may probably 
 be thought UTOPIAN. Whether they be 
 matters of fact or not, is by no means a 
 iubject of importance. If the pie i laid 
 down be practicable, the falutary effects 
 refulting from its execution cannot be de- 
 nied ; becaufe it will remove various incon- 
 veniencies, and fupply obvious defects in 
 the inftructions. which have been frequent- 
 ly given to Young Travellers. 
 
 Frederick Manly, after having panned 
 through a public^ fchool with applaufe, 
 was fent to the Univerfity at the age <;f 
 eighteen, under the immediate care of a 
 private Tutor. He applied with great dilir 
 gence to claffical and mathematical fhidies 
 until he reached his twentieth year, when 
 his father thought it was neceflary for him 
 to. lay a folid foundation of domeftick 
 knowledge, before the fuperftruclure of 
 foreign travel was erected. This domeftick 
 
 Knowledge
 
 N 3 6. OLLA PODRIDA. 
 
 Knowledge confided in an invefligation of 
 the Principles of the Conftitution, the fyf- 
 tern of Laws, and the adminiftration of 
 Juftice : it comprized a general inquiry in- 
 to the feveral branches of Commerce and 
 Manufactures, the ftate of Agriculture, 
 Learning, and the Arts ; and concluded 
 with an examination of the Reafonablenefs 
 of National Religion. The defects or errors 
 of books on thefe intereflin'g topicks were 
 remedied by conversations with intelligent 
 perfons ; and the vague fyftems of theory- 
 were rectified by obfervations on the actual 
 ftate of things. To diverfify thefe purfuits, 
 Manly made the regular Tour cf Great Bri- 
 tain with the double intention of furveying 
 natural and artificial curiofities, and of con- 
 verting with thofe who were eminent for 
 Manners, Attainments, or Genius. On 
 vifiting the Continent, a more extenfive and 
 interefting profpect was difplayed to his 
 view; but he did not diflipate his curiofity 
 amidft a frivolous and perplexing variety 
 of objects. As he had been long habi- 
 tuated to the acquirement of ufeful know- 
 ledge, 
 
 9.
 
 366 OLLA PODRIDA. N 36. 
 
 ledge, his refearches were dire&ed to that 
 alone. He poffefied the beft means of 
 procuring fatisfactory and genuine infor- 
 mation, as he converfed in the French, 
 Italian, and German languages, with ele- 
 gance and fluency. Such was the fuccefs 
 with which he facrifked to the Graces, 
 that the Ladies were charmed with the po- 
 liteneis of his manners ; and fuch was the 
 highly cultivated ftate of his mind, that 
 foreigners in general gained confiderably 
 by the interchange of ideas. His heart 
 was happily fecured againft 'the fedudtions 
 of illicit amours, by an early attachment 
 to a Lady, whofe temper and turn of mind 
 were congenial with his own. Their ab- 
 fence was alleviated by a regular Corre- 
 fpondence. His defire to contribute to her 
 entertainment and information, made every 
 objedt doubly interefting, and gave the 
 keen eft edge to his curiofity. He furveyed 
 the beft fpecimens of antient and modern 
 Art with a degree of Rapture which bor- 
 dered on Enthufiafm. His Tafte was not 
 the offspring of Affectation, but the gift of 
 
 Nature,
 
 N'stf. OLLAPODRIDA. 367 
 
 Nature, improved by Experience. Har- 
 mony of colours, Symmetry of parts, and 
 the Name of a great Matter, were, in his 
 eftimation, merely excellencies of the fe- 
 cond clafs. Sculpture and Painting had no 
 charms for him, exclulive of the Force and 
 Beauty of their efFect. Rome and Florence 
 were the principal places of his refidence, 
 becaufe in them the fine Arts had depofited 
 their moft valuable treafures. At the ex- 
 piration of three years he returned to his 
 native country, and was united to the 
 Miftrefs of his affections. His manners 
 were refined, but not formal : his drefs 
 was famionable, but not foppifli ; his de- 
 portment eafy, but not finical. His con- 
 ftitution was invigorated by exercife, and 
 his fortune unimpaired by extravagance. 
 Scepticifm had not undermined, nor Bigo- 
 try contracted, his religious principles. He 
 gave a proof how high a polifh the Britifh 
 Diamond will take; his example fully 
 evinced, .that it cannot be excelled either 
 in folidity or luftre. His prejudices were 
 worn away by enlarged intercourfe with . 
 Mankind. His philanthropy was ardent, 
 
 and
 
 368 OLLA PODRIDA. N 36 
 
 and his patriotifm not lefs fpirited than 
 rational. Manly, in fhort, was a citizen 
 of the world, who had carefully weighed 
 the merits of all cultivated nations, and 
 made England the place of his refidence^ 
 becaufe her excellencies preponderated in 
 the fcale. 
 
 NUM-
 
 MBER XXXVlt 
 
 SATURDAY, November 24, 1 78 7. 
 
 CONTINUATION of tie 
 VIC AR'S TALE. 
 
 SUPPER being removed, after chat- 
 ting fome time, my worthy hoft con- 
 dufted me to my , bed- chamber, which was 
 on the ground floor, and lined with jai- 
 mine,that was conducted in at the windows. 
 After wiming me good night, he retired, 
 leaving me to reft. The beauty of the 
 fcenery, however, and my ufual propen- 
 Kity to walk by moon-light, induced me to 
 B b leave
 
 370 OLLAPODRIDA. N 37 . 
 
 leave my fragrant cell. When I Tallied 
 forth, the moon was darting her temperated 
 rays through the fhade that furrounded the 
 cottage, tipping the tops of the venerable 
 oaks with (ilver. After taking a turn or 
 two on the lawn, 1 wandered to the fpot, > 
 " where the rude forefathers of the 
 " hamlet fleep.*' It was fmall, and for 
 the mod part furrounded with yew-trees of 
 an antient date, beneath whofe folemu 
 fhade many generations had mouldered into 
 duft. No fooner did I enter, than my at* 
 tention was caught by a pillar of white 
 marble, placed on the fummit of a fmall 
 eminence, the bafe of which was furrounded 
 with honeyfuckles and woodbines, whilft 
 a large willow overlhadowed the pillar. 
 As I was with attention perudng the epi- 
 taph, I was not a little alarmed by the 
 approach of a figure, cloathed in a long 
 robe. The apparition continued advancing 
 towards me with a flow ftep, and its eyes 
 fixed on the ground, which prevented it 
 obferving me till we were within reach of 
 each other. Great was my wonder at re- 
 cognizing my worthy hoft in this fituation ; 
 7 nor
 
 N37- OLLA PODRIDA, 371 
 
 nor was his aftonimment lefs at finding 
 his gueft thus courting the appearance of 
 goblins and fairies.- After each had ex- 
 prefled the furprize he felt, I proceeded 
 to enquire whofe duft was there enfhrined. 
 To my queftion he returned anfwer: - 
 * There, Sir, fleeps Harriet's mother, an in- 
 hocent, hut unfortunate woman. Pardon, 
 me, Sir, faid he, if for a moment 1 indulge 
 my forrow, and bedew my Harriet's grave 
 with tears, a tribute that I often pay her 
 much-loved memory, when the reft of the 
 world are loft in deep." Here he paufed, 
 and feemed much agitated. At length he 
 requefted my permiffioii to defer the recital 
 of Harriet's woes till tii- next day, as he 
 found himfelf unequal to the talk of pro- 
 ceeding in the painful detail. To this pro- 
 pofal 1 readily acceded, and we returned 
 home. I retired to my room, but every 
 attempt to procure fleep proved ineffectual. 
 Harriet had fo wholly occupied my thoughts, 
 that no moment of the night was fufFered 
 to pafs unnoticed. At length, " when 
 *' foared the warbling lark on high," I left 
 my couch, and rejoined my worthy land- 
 B b 2 lord,
 
 372 OLLA PODRIDA. N> 37. 
 
 lord, who was buiily employed in the ar- 
 rangement of his garden. Though I de- 
 clined mentioning the fubjecl: of our lad 
 night's adventure, yet he fa\v the marks 
 of anxious expectation in my countenance, 
 and proceeded to gratify the curioiity he 
 had infpired. " It will be neceflary," faid 
 he, " before I proceed to relate the woes that 
 befel my daughter, to give a mort iketch 
 of my own life. Six and twenty years ago, 
 
 Mrs. came hither for the benefit of 
 
 her health, the'air being recommended as 
 highly falubrious. On her arrival, (he gave 
 out that {he Was the daughter of a clergy- 
 man, who was lately dead, and had left 
 her in narrow circumftances. I thought 
 it my duty to vifit her, and offer her any 
 little attention in my power. She received 
 me with politenefs, and exprefled a wifli 
 to cultivate my acquaintance. I continued 
 to repeat my vifits for fome time without 
 fufpecling that there was any thing parti- 
 lar in her hiftory, till one morning 1 
 found her in tears reading a letter me had 
 juft received. On my entrance fhe gave 
 
 it
 
 N37- OLLA PODRIDA. 373 
 
 it to me : it contained a notification from 
 Lord B 's agent, that her ufual remit- 
 tances would no longer be continued. On 
 opening this letter, 1 was led to fuppofe 
 
 that her connection with Lord B was 
 
 not of the moft honourable nature. But 
 all my fufpicion vanifhed on her producing 
 
 feveral letters from Lord B to her 
 
 mother, with whom he had been long con- 
 nected. From thele letters I learnt, that 
 
 Mrs. was the daughter of Lord 
 
 B by Mifs M , lifter to a 
 
 Scotch baronet, whom he had feduced and 
 
 .1'upported during the remainder of her life. 
 But he had, it fee-ms, determined to with- 
 draw his protection from the fruit of their 
 
 connection. Mrs. r declared (he knew 
 
 not what ftep to take, as her finances were 
 
 . nearly exhaufted. I endeavoured, to com- 
 fort her, alluring her that me mould com- 
 mand every affiftance in my power : On 
 hearing this, (he feemed a little fatisfied, 
 and became more compofed. After fitting 
 with her forne time, I returned home, to 
 conlider m what manner I might moil 
 B b
 
 374 OLLAPODRIDA. N^;. 
 
 eaiily afford protection to the young orphans 
 whofe whole dependance was on my 
 iupport. If I took her home to live with, 
 me, as I was unmarried, it would give 
 pfferjce to my parimiqners. My income 
 was too confined to admit of my affording 
 her a feparate eftabliflhment. Thus cir- 
 cumftanced, I determined to offer her my 
 hand. You will, no doubt, fay it was ra- 
 ther an imprudent ftep for a man who had 
 feen his fortieth year to connect himfelf 
 with youth and beauty : but as my brother 
 was then living, it was import! hie for me 
 to render her the leaft affi (lance on any 
 other plan. She received my proppfal with 
 grateful furprife, and accepted it without 
 hefitation. In a few days we were married, 
 and have now lived together fix and twenty 
 years in a flate, the felicity of which has 
 never been interrupted by thofe dtfcordant 
 jars which are fo frequently the concomi- 
 tants pf matrimony : though, alas ! our 
 peace has received a mortal wound from 
 one, the bare mention of whofe name fills 
 me with horror ! But not to digrefs : Be- 
 fore
 
 N*37- OLLAPODRIDA. 
 
 fore the return of that day which faw me 
 blefled with the hand of Emily, my hap- 
 pinefs received an important addition, by the 
 birth of a daughter, who inherited all her 
 mother's charms. It is fuperfluous to add, 
 that me was equally the idol of both her 
 parents ; and as me was the only fruit of our 
 marriage, me became every day a greater 
 favourite. My wife had received fuch an 
 education as rendered her fully capable of 
 accomplishing her daughter in a manner 
 far fuperior to any thing her (ituation re- 
 quired, or perhaps could juftify. To this 
 agreeable employment, however, (he de- 
 voted her whole time ; and when Harriet 
 had reached her eighteenth year, me was 
 in every refpedl: a highly accomplimed wo- 
 man. She was become what that picture 
 reprefents her. With an amiable temper 
 and gentle manners, fhe was the idol of 
 the village. Hithertp fhe had experienced 
 a ftate of felicity unknown in the more 
 exalted ftations of life- unconfcious, alas J 
 of the ills that awaited her future years. 
 
 B b. 4 It
 
 376 OLLAPODRIDA. N3;. 
 
 It is with relu&ance I proceed in the 
 melancholy narrative. One evening, as a 
 young man, attended by a fervant, was 
 patting through the village, his horfe 
 jftartled, and threw him. Happening to 
 be on the fpot at th,e time, I offered every 
 affiftance in my power, and conveying him 
 to my cottage, difpatched his fervant in 
 queft of a furgeon, who declared our pa- 
 tient was not in any danger, hut recom- 
 mended it to him to delay his departure 
 for a day or two. His health, however, 
 or rather his love, did not admit of hi,s 
 travelling for near a fortnight ; during 
 which time he eftablimed his interefr, with 
 Harriet by the moft pleating and unremit- 
 ting attention to her flightefl wimes. . 
 ^\Vhen about to depart, he requeued leave 
 to repeat his yifit on his return from his 
 intended tour, dropping, at the fame time, 
 fome diftant hints of his affection for Har- 
 riet, to whom he was by no means indif- 
 ferent. 
 
 Mr. H (for fo our gueft wa,s named) 
 
 informed us, previous to his departure, 
 
 that
 
 N37- OLLAPODRIDA. 377 
 
 that he had a fmall independent fortune ; 
 but that from a diftant relation he had, 
 confiderable expectation. After bidding an 
 affectionate adieu to Harriet, he fet out 
 on his intended tour, which lafted for a 
 month :" the effe&s produced by his ab-\ 
 fence mufl however be referved for another 
 paper. X. 
 
 NUM-
 
 NUMBER XXXVIII, 
 
 CONCLUSION of the 
 VICAR'S TALE. 
 
 the time of Mr - H ?s 
 
 abfence, Harriet appeared penfive, 
 and I obferved with pain that he had 
 made no flight impreffion on her heart. 
 At length Mr. H returned, and Harri- 
 et's reception of him left us no room to 
 doubt her attachment. During his fecond 
 vifit he was very affiduous to fecure the 
 favour of all the family : with Harriet he 
 eafily fucceeded ; nor were Mrs. T 
 or myfelf difpofed to diflike him. His 
 manners were elegant, and his wit lively. 
 
 At
 
 N38. OLLAPODRIDA. 379 
 
 At length he obtained from Harriet the 
 promife of her hand, provided her parents 
 fhould not object. Hitherto I had never 
 been induced to make any enquiries con- 
 cerning his circumftances and character. 
 Now, however, by his direction, I applied to 
 a Mr. E ns, a clergyman of his ac- 
 quaintance. This gentleman, now in an 
 exalted ftation in the church, then Chap- 
 lain to Lord C , informed me, that 
 Mr. H - was in every refpedt a de- 
 firable match for my daughter j and that 
 whenever his Coufin mould die, he would 
 be enabled to maintain her in affluence and 
 fplendor : he added that his character was 
 unexceptionable. Little fufpecting the 
 yillainous part Mr. E ns was acting, 
 
 I readily confented to the propofed union, 
 and performed the ceremony myfelf. Mr. 
 H requefted that their marriage 
 
 might be kept a fecret, till the birth of a 
 fon and heir. This propofal rather alarmed 
 me, but it was too late to retreat ; and 
 knowing no one in the great world, it was 
 impoflible for me, previous to the marriage, 
 to procure any account of Mr. H , 
 
 but
 
 380 OLLA POD RID A. N* 28. 
 
 * . ~ 
 
 but fuch as his friend communicated to me. 
 Thus circumftanced, I could only confent ; 
 and as Harriet readily adopted every pro- 
 pofal that came from one fhe fo tenderly 
 loved, the matter was finally agreed on. 
 After Haying a few days, he fet off for 
 London, but foon returned, and palled the 
 whole winter with us ; and in the fpring 
 Harriet was delivered of that little girl you 
 ib much admire. I now preffed him to 
 acknowledge my daughter as his wife. To 
 this heanfwered, that, had fhe brought him 
 a foil, he would readily have complied with 
 my requeft ; but that his coufin was fo 
 great an oddity, that he could not bear the 
 idea (to ufe his own expreffion) " of having 
 ** his fortune lavifhed in a milliner's mop :'* 
 * But,* added he, ' if you infill: upon it, I will 
 now rifk the Ibfs of all his fortune, and 
 introduce my Harriet to his prefence.' 
 Harriet, however, again interfered, and 
 
 defired that Mr. H might not be 
 
 forced into meafures that might in the end 
 prove deftrucYive of his future profpetl, 
 and induce him to regret the day he ever 
 law hsr. Thefe arguments prevailed, and 
 
 Mr,
 
 N 3 8. OLLA PODRIJDA. 381 
 
 Mr. H was fufTered to continue as 
 
 a member of the family without any far- 
 ther notice being taken of the i ubjeft. In 
 this manner had three years elapfed uu- 
 
 diftinguimed by any remarkable event, 
 
 Mr. H generally paffing half the 
 
 year with us, and the remainder in Lon- 
 don, attending, as he faid, on his coufm ; 
 when one day, as he was fitting with us at 
 dinner, a chaife and four drove up to the 
 houfe. The fervants enquired for Mr. 
 
 H ? and cfn hearing he was there, 
 
 opened the carriage door. A gentleman* 
 dreffed like an officer, jumped out, follow- 
 ed by a lady in a travelling drefs ; they 
 ruflied immediately into the room. Their 
 
 appearance amazed us ; but Mr. H- . 
 
 betrayed the mofl viiible marks of confter- 
 nation. The lady appeared to be about 
 thirty. She was a woman by no means 
 deftituteof perfonal charms. The moment 
 me entered the room, me feized Upon Har- 
 riet, and, loading her with every Horrible 
 epithet, proceeded to indulge her paffioh 
 by flriking her innocent rival. On feeing 
 this, an old fervaht of mine feized the 
 
 lad/,
 
 382 OLLA PODRIDA. N3. 
 
 lady, and forcibly turned her out of the 
 houfe, then fattened the door. It was not 
 till now that we perceived the abfence of 
 Mr. H , who had, it feems, retired 
 with the lady's companion. Whilft we 
 were ftill loft in amazement at the tranf- 
 a&ion we had juft witneffed, we were alarm- 
 ed to the higheft pitch by the report of . 
 piftol. Harriet inftantly fainted Whilft 
 Mrs. T was recovering her, I flew to 
 
 the fpot from whence the found proceeded, 
 
 and there found Mr* H weltering in 
 
 his blood, with a piftol lying by him. I 
 approached, and found him ftill fenfible. 
 He informed me, that the lady's brother 
 and he had fought, and that feeing him 
 fall, they had both efcaped as faft as poffi- 
 ble. I inftantly procured affiftance, and 
 conveyed him to the houfe, where he was 
 put to bed, and a furgeon was fetit for. 
 In the mean time Harriet had feveral fits, 
 and we were very apprehenfive that the 
 hour of her fate was approaching. On the 
 arrival of the furgeon, he declared the 
 wound Mr. H< had received would 
 
 probably prove mortal, and recommended 
 
 the
 
 N33. OLLA PODRIDA. 383 
 
 the arrangement of his affairs. Mr. H- 
 
 recieved the news with great agony, and 
 defired that I might be left alone with him. 
 No fooner was this requefr granted, than 
 he addrefTed me in the following terms. 
 * In me, Sir, behold the moft unfortunate, 
 and, alas ! the moft guilty of men. The 
 lady, whofe ill-timed vifit has loft me my 
 life, is, I tremble to pronounce the word, 
 my wife.' Seeing me pale with horror, 
 he proceeded. 'No wonder, Sir, that you 
 ihould behold with horror one who has 
 repaid unbounded bofpitality by unequalled 
 'villainy. The bare remembrance of my 
 own guilt diftrats me. The awful hour 
 is now faft approaching, when 1 muft re- 
 ceive my final doom from that heaven 
 whofe laws I have fo daringly violated. To 
 redrefs the injuries I have committed, is, 
 alas ! impoffible. My death will be an 
 atonement by no means fufficient. I can- 
 not, however, leave this world till you 
 fliall be informed, that ten thoufand pounds, 
 the whole of my property that is at my dif- 
 pofaL, has long ago been transferred by me 
 into, the hands of truftees for the benefit of
 
 5 S 4 OLLA PODRIDA. N 38. 
 
 my much injured Harriet, and her unhappy 
 infant. In my own defence, I have nothing 
 to urge. Suffer me only to remark, that 
 my misfortune arofe from the avarice of 
 my father, who forced me into a marriage 
 with the woman you lately faw, and whofe 
 brother has been the inftriimerit in the 
 hand of Providence to inflil en me the 
 doom I fo much merited. Ifpofiible, con- 
 ceal from Harriet that I was married. Pic- 
 ture, for her fake, an innocent deception, 
 and tell her that I was only engaged to that 
 lady. This will contibiite to promote her 
 repofe, and the deception may poffibly plead 
 the merit of prolonging a life, fo dear to 
 you : for the elevated mind of my Harriet 
 would never furvive the fatal difcovery of 
 my villainy. But, oh ! when my unhappy 
 child mail aik the fate of him who gave her 
 being, in pity draw a veil over that guilt 
 which can fcarcely hope to obtain the par- 
 don of heaven.' There he ceafed, and ut- 
 tering a fhort prayer, expired Happily for 
 Harriet, me continued in a (rate of infen- 
 fibility for three days, during which time 
 I had the body removed to a neighbouring 
 
 houfe,
 
 Nj8. DLL A PODRIDA. 3,8$ 
 
 houfe, there to wait for interment. Having 
 
 addrefled a letter to Mr. H 's agent in 
 
 town, he fent orders for the body to be re- 
 moved to the family burying place, where 
 it was accordingly interred. Harriet re- 
 covered by (low degrees from the ftate of 
 happy infenfibility, into which the death 
 
 of Mr. H had plunged her. Her grief 
 
 became filent and fettled. Groans and ex- 
 clamations now gave way to fighs and the 
 bitter tears of defponding grief; She fel- 
 dom or never fpoke but would cry for 
 hours together dvef her haplefs infant, then 
 Gallon the fhadow of her departed Henry, 
 little fufpefting the irreparable injury he 
 had done her. It was with infinite anxiety 
 I beheld the decline of Harriet's health. 
 Prone as we ever are to hope what we ar- 
 dently defire, I how defpaired of her re- 
 covery. Whilft in a ftate of hopelefs in- 
 activity, I was doomed to witnefs the lin- 
 gering death of my lamented Harriet^ I re- 
 ceived a vifit from an t>ld friend. On his 
 arrival I allotted him the apartment for- 
 merly inhabited by Mr. H and Harriet. 
 
 About midnight he was awakened by .fome 
 
 C c one
 
 386 OLLAPODRIDA. N 3 g. 
 
 one entering the apartment. On removing 
 the curtain, he dif covered, by the light of 
 the moon, my adored Harriet in a white 
 drefs. Her eyes were open, but had a va- 
 cant look that plainly proved me was not 
 awake. She advanced with a flow ftep ; 
 then feating herfelf at the foot of the bed, 
 remained there an hour, weeping bitterly 
 the whole time, but without uttering a 
 word. My friend, fearful of the confe^ 
 quences, forbore to awake her, and me re- 
 tired with the fame deliberate flep (he had 
 entered. This intelligence alarmed me ex- 
 cetlively. On the next night me was watch- 
 ed, and the fame fcene was repeated, with 
 this difference, that, after quitting the fatal 
 apartment, (he went to the room where her 
 daughter ufually flept ; and laying herfelf 
 down on the bed, wept over the child for 
 fome time ; then returned to her apart- 
 ment. The next morning we waited with 
 anxiety for her appearance at breakfaft ; 
 but, alas !" Here a flood of tears afforded 
 to my friend that relief which he fo much 
 needed ; and we returned to the houfe. 
 After patting fome days with this worthy 
 
 couple,
 
 N38. OLLA PODR1DA. 387 
 
 couple, I proceeded on my tour, quitting, 
 with reluctance, the abode of forrow and 
 refignation. Thofe whom the perufal of 
 this tale may intefeft, will, if ever they 
 vifit the banks of the Alna, find that the 
 author has copied his characters from nature. 
 
 X. 
 
 
 NUM.
 
 388 
 
 NUMBER XXXIX. 
 
 'ij TO yap y'spx$ c^; 
 
 Iliad 16. v. 457^ 
 
 What Honours Mortals after Death receive, 
 Tbofe unavailing Honours we may give. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 THAT Fame is the univerfal Paffion 
 is bv nothing more confpicuoully 
 difcovered than by Epitaphs. The gene- 
 rality of Mankind are not content to fink 
 inglorioufly into the grave, but wifh to be 
 paid that Tribute of Panegyrick after their 
 Deaths, which in many cafes may not be 
 due to the Virtues of their Lives. If the 
 5 Vanity
 
 N39- OLLAPODRIDA. 389 
 
 Vanity of the departed has not been provi- 
 dent of monumental Honours, the Parti- 
 ality of Friends is eager to fupply them. 
 Death may be faid with almoft equal pro- 
 priety to confer as well as to level all dii- 
 tinctions. In conference of that event, a 
 kind of chemical operation takes place ; for 
 thofe characters which were mixed with 
 the grofs particles of Vice, by being thrown 
 into the alembic of flattery, are fublimated 
 into the eflence of Virtue. He who during 
 the performance of his part upon the ftage 
 of the world was weakly applauded, after 
 the clofe of the drama, is pourtrayed as the 
 favourite of " every Virtue under Heaven" 
 To fave the opulent from oblivion, the 
 fculptor unites his labours with the fchplar 
 or the poet, whilll the ruftick is indebted 
 for his mite of pofthumous renown to the 
 carpenter, the painter, or the mafon. The 
 ftruclures of fame are in both cafes built 
 with materials whofe duration is fhort. It 
 may check the fallies of pride tq reflect on 
 the mortality of man ; but for its compleat 
 humiliation let it be remembered, that 
 epitaphs and monuments decay. Had not 
 C c 3 Cicero
 
 3pp OLLA PODRIDA. N Q 39. 
 
 Cicero been affifted by his memory, he 
 could never have decyphered the mutilated 
 verfes on the tomb of Archimedes. The 
 Antiquarian fearches in vain for the origi- 
 nal infcriptions on Chaucer and Sidney. 
 
 The obfervations of the illuflrious John- 
 fon on epitaphs are marked with acutenefs 
 as well as extent of judgement. In his 
 Criticifms, however, on thofe of Pope, he 
 has (hewn a petulance of temper and fafti- 
 dioufnefs of tafte, at the fame time that he 
 acknowledged the barrennefs of Pope's to- 
 picks, and the difficulty of diftributing to 
 numbers that praife which is particular and 
 characterise. He who is a critic mould 
 confider, that, according to the natural pro- 
 grefs of human opinions, he may become 
 the fubjeCr, of criticiim. If Johnfon had 
 ever conjectured that he muft one day be 
 tried by his own laws, more lenity would 
 probably have been (hown to Pope. The 
 Doctor remarks, '* that an epitaph ought 
 " not to be longer than common beholders 
 f 4 have leifure and patience to perufe." Of 
 the few he has left behind him, that on 
 jriaumer is furely objectionable for its pro- 
 lixity.
 
 N39- OLLA PODRIDA. 391 
 
 lixity. He reprobates with juft fe verity any 
 alluvions to claflical cqltoms, and the fitu- 
 ation of Roman tombs. The lines of Paf- 
 ieratius on Henry of France are quoted, to 
 fhow the impropriety of addreiTing the Rea- 
 der as a traveller. Yet the Doctor forgot 
 his ftrictures and his quotation when he 
 concluded his character of Thrale with 
 " Abi, Viator." 
 
 The preceding Remarks are intended as 
 an Introduction to a plan which I take this 
 opportunity of laying before the puhlick. 
 It is my Defign to publifh a Collection of 
 the moft remarkable Epitaphs with critical 
 Observations. Particular attention will be 
 paid to their Arrangement, of which it 
 (hall be the object: of the remaining part of 
 this Paper to exhibit an exact Specimen. 
 Without fpinning too many Threads of 
 Claffification, a few ftriking and general 
 diftinctions only (hall be adopted. The 
 LEARNED the SUBLIME the CHARAC- 
 TERISTIC the COMPLIMENTARY. The 
 tii ft Clals is intended to allure the Scholars 
 of our famous Univerfities to iubicribe 
 liberally to the Work. To let the Keader 
 
 C c 4 into
 
 392 OLLAPODRIDA. N 9 3 9 . 
 
 into a fecret, it was originally my defign to 
 have publiihed this part in a Folio by it- 
 felf, with a pompous Dedication, Hap- 
 pening to fee a Goofe finged with a leaf of 
 the Pietas Oxonienjis, I was frightened from 
 the profecution of my plan by fo unlucky 
 an omen. My intended Work will not- 
 withftanding comprize Learning enough to 
 fatisfy the appetite of a reafonable'Linguift. 
 There will be no room for complaint if I 
 begin with Perfian, and end with Latin, 
 The firft Epitaph mall be that on Hadg'i 
 Shanghfware^ in Saint Botolph's, Blfhop- 
 gate ; and the laft fhall be the laconic Fui 
 Cams, at Cambridge. 
 
 Under this head many ingenious an4 
 novel opinions will be advanced relative to 
 the Language as well as the Sentiments of 
 thv.,e Compofitions. It will be proved to a 
 d^monftration, that the learned Languages 
 are abfurdly ufed except for learned Men. 
 Some one has well obierved, that, if the 
 Dead cquld hear their own fepulchral 
 Praife, they would be put to the blufh. Some, 
 
 w thout doubt, would with amiable dirE- 
 * 
 
 dencead jpt the elegant fentimenu of Fron- 
 
 tiaus,
 
 N39- OLLA PODRIDA. 393 
 
 tmKS, " Impenfa Monument! fupervacua 
 *' eft ; Memoria noftri durabit, fi Vita me- 
 " ruimus." '* Superfluous is the Expence of 
 " the Tomb, fince our Memory will flou- 
 ** rim, if our Conduct has merited that 
 " Honour."- But multitudes muft be in- 
 fenfible to the emotions of Shame, unlefs 
 they were endued with the Gift of Tongues. 
 The moral Defign of an Epitaph is to 
 infpire an emulation of the virtues of 
 the deceafed. This cannot be effected, 
 unlefs the Language which records thofe 
 Virtues be intelligible to Perfons who are 
 in a fituation to emulate them. The Ta- 
 lents and Munificence of Bujby and South 
 are tranfmitted to Scholars by a Vehicle 
 which is familiar to them ; but how can 
 the Ladies improve by the Example of 
 the beautiful Mrs. Arundel^ who is cele- 
 brated in a Latin Infcription in SaintMary's, 
 Oxford ? or how is the Courage of our 
 Sailors likely to be increafed by the Cice- 
 ronian Periods on Rooke at Canterbury ? 
 
 The SUBLIME. This Species is con- 
 fined to thofe who occupy the moft diftin- 
 guifhed Niches in the Temple of Fame. 
 
 Sim-
 
 394 OLLAPODRIDA. N 39. 
 
 Simplicity and Brevity are its Chara&eri- 
 flicks. Such Names as Bacon, Locke, and 
 Newton, want not the Flowers of Elo- 
 quence, or the Parade of Periods, to deco- 
 rate their Monuments. The tomb of Sir 
 Chriftopher Wren has a local propriety 
 from his being buried in St. Paul's, which 
 gave birth to an Infcription worthy of that 
 illuftrious Reftorer of Attic Architecture. 
 
 " Subtus conditur hujus Ecclefiae & Ur- 
 *' bis Conditor, qui vixit Annos ultra 
 " nonaginta, non fibi fed bono publico. 
 *' Leffor, fi Monumentum requiris, circum- 
 "fp/ce." 
 
 The CHARACTERISTICK. A Clafs 
 which far excels all the reft, as it contains 
 Examples of fplendid Talents and eminent 
 Virtues marked with peculiar and appropri- 
 ate Praife. Not only thofe Epitaphs 
 wherein their due meafure of Applaufe is 
 diftributed with nice difcrjmination to Plii- 
 lofophers, Poets, Warriors, and Statefmeii, 
 will be introduced under this head, but 
 fuch likewife as have preferved the Memo- 
 ry of the lowly and th^ ignoble. Thefe 
 Compofitions are as difficult to be met with 
 
 as
 
 N39- OLLAPODRIDA. 395 
 
 as accurate Miniatures Dr. Johnfon would 
 have faid that Pope's Verfes on Mrs. Corbet 
 was a very proper Exemplification of this 
 Species. Perhaps the following by 
 Hawkefworth, in Bromley Church-yard, is 
 by no means inferior to it : 
 
 " Near this place lies the body of Eliza- 
 " beth Monk, aged 101, the Wife of John 
 *' Monk, Blackfmith, by whom me had 
 * no Children. But Virtue would not 
 *' fufFer her to be childlefs. An infant, to 
 " whom and to whofe Father and Uncles 
 <c (he had been Nurfe, became dependent 
 " upon Strangers for the Neceflaries of 
 " Life ; to him me afforded the protection 
 " of a Mother. This parental Charity was 
 " returned with filial Affection, and me 
 " was fupported in the feeblenefs of Age by 
 *' him whom fhe had cherimed in the 
 " Helpleffnefsof Infancy. Let it be remem- 
 " bered, that there is no ftation in which 
 * Induftry will not obtain Power to be li- 
 " beral, nor any Character on which 
 44 Liberality will not confer Honour. She 
 " had long been prepared by a fimple and 
 6 * unaffected Piety for her End. To pre- 
 
 " ferve
 
 OLLAPODRIDA. N 39 . 
 
 " ferve the Memory of this Perfon, but 
 ic yet more to perpetuate the Leflbn of her 
 " Life, this Stone was erected by voiun- 
 " tary Contribution.'* 
 
 The COMPLIMENTARY. This article 
 comprifes Infcriptions in which the dead 
 are more indebted for their praife to inven- 
 tion than to merit. The writers of epi- 
 taphs ought to be hiftorians, and not poets. 
 
 Their panegyrick often fatigues with 
 prolixity, and difgufts with fulfomenefs. 
 Take away the dates from complimentary 
 epitaphs, and they have all the appearance 
 of dedications. They exhibit the demi- 
 gods of the golden age, or the immaculate 
 heroes of romance. Like Addifon's Cato, 
 they feem to have been out of the reach of 
 human paffions or infirmities of a nature 
 too much exalted to excite pity, and famed 
 for excellencies too tranfcendent for imita- 
 tion. Sometimes, however, it happens, 
 that common topicks of encomium are 
 touched with fo mafterly a hand, that they 
 charm with an irrefiftible grace, and have 
 all the force of novelty. For a panegyrifl: 
 to declare, That a Lady is deferving of the 
 
 highejt
 
 N39- OLLA PODRIDA. 397 
 
 highejl praife that foe ts as beautiful as an 
 angel and thatjhe is remarkable for uniform 
 piety feems as if he could not flrike out 
 of the beaten track. But furely it is out of 
 the power of a vulgar bard to pourtray fuch 
 ideas in the following manner. 
 
 On Lady CATHERINE PASTON, 
 Pafton Church, Norfolk, 1628* 
 
 Can Man be filent and not Praifes find, 
 
 For her who lived the Praife of Woman-kind? 
 
 Whofe outward frame was lent the world to 
 
 guefs, 
 
 What ftiapes our fouls fhall wear in happinefs. 
 Whofe Virtue did all ill fo overfwaye, 
 That her whole life was a communion-daye.* 
 
 As my publication will be extended only 
 to thofe Epitaphs which are really infcribed 
 On tomb-ftones, the ludicrous and the gaf 
 will of courfe be omitted. Let him whole 
 inclination may lead him to perufe fuch, be 
 referred to Magazines and Jeft-books. He 
 will there find that Epigram, Pun, Satire^ 
 and Burlefquc, have attempted to throw a 
 gleam of levity upon a fubject which is too 
 awful to be made ridiculous. Wit arid 
 
 Humour
 
 398 O L L A P O D R I D A. N 39. 
 
 Humour never more miftake their object,, 
 than when they aim their Shafts at Man in 
 a State 6f Diflolution; But, 1 however wan- 
 ton and injudicious their failies have been, 
 they have never prophaned the fanctity of 
 Chriftian Temples by affixing their Pro- 
 ductions to them. Such an Indecorum 
 militates too ftrongly againfl Piety and 
 Sensibility, to be tolerated with PanenceJ 
 To fport with the Characters of the de- 
 parted is a fufficient Triumph for Gaiety, 
 without being permitted to erect a Tro- 
 phy over their Graves. 
 
 The Perufal of Epitaphs is not to be 
 considered as a frivolous and light amufe- 
 ment. If fuch only be the Objects of At- 
 tention as have been noticed with our Ap- 
 plaufe, it is unqueftionably an Introduction 
 to pleafing Knowledge, and an Incentive to 
 moral Improvement. What Biography is 
 to Hiftory, an Epitaph is to Biography. 
 It is a fketch which marks the great Out- 
 lines of Character, and excites curiofity to 
 view the Portraits as painted on the Pages 
 
 1 O 
 
 of Hiftory. It is likewife an Epitome of a 
 Sermon^ which teaches the moft ufeful 
 
 Truths
 
 N39- OLLA PODRIDA. 399 
 
 Truths in the moft comprehenfive Form. 
 Monumental Infcriptions remind us, that 
 Time is on the Wing, that every Rank 
 and Age muft fall a prey to his Depreda- 
 tions, that the Moments of Life are too 
 precious to be fquandered away on trifles 
 that Religion is the only Support againfl 
 the Horrors of Death, and the only Guide 
 to the Joys of Eternity. 
 
 NUM-
 
 [ 400 ] 
 
 NUMBER XL. 
 
 SATURDAY, December 15, 
 
 Carpimus indecores jocular I carmine mores. 
 
 FOR the fubftance of this paper, I 
 have ventured to make an extract 
 from a very pleafant and witty X,atin author* 
 who wrote about two hundred and thirty 
 years ago. To which I have fubjoined 
 what may be more properly called a Para- 
 phrafe than a Tranflation. 
 
 The book I allude to is entitled* " De 
 " Morum Simplicitate, Auftore Frederico 
 "'Dedekindo? a Poem in three books. The 
 author was a German, and his work, I 
 
 believe,
 
 N4o. OLLA P 401 
 
 believe, gave rife to that . vmour, 
 of which Swift (hewed himfeif completely 
 mafter, in his u Advice to Servants,-" and 
 which has been fince imitated in publica- 
 tions of very modern date.; particularly 
 
 in " Advke to Officers," and the " face- 
 tious hints of Geoffrey Gambado, Efq."- 
 know not that Swift has any where men- 
 tioned this Author, though his works contain 
 many paflages which incline me to believe he 
 had perufed him with confiderable attention. 
 I have extracted the firft chapter of his firft 
 book, in order to give fome fpecimen of 
 that ftyle, whofe origin has been attributed 
 to various Writers, in various times and 
 countries, fome giving it to Rabelais, and 
 others to Cervantes. Dedekindus appears 
 from his preface and concluiion to have 
 been a man of great Senfe, and refined 
 Manners. That he has fallen into obfcu- 
 rity, is, perhaps, to be attributed to the 
 few copies of his works^ of which the 
 World is in poffeffion. His verification 
 has the eafe and elegance of Ovid. Every 
 Critic will difcover that he has not the pu- 
 rity of the Auguftan Age; yet every one 
 D d will
 
 402 OLLAPODRIDA. N 40. 
 
 will read him with pleafure, who is not too 
 faflidious to be eafily pleafed. 
 
 Since I read his book, and rendered the 
 fentiments as near as I could, of the firft 
 chapter, into Englifh, I have difcovered, 
 that the work has been tranflated by a Mr. 
 Bull, in 1739, and dedicated, very pro- 
 perly, to Dean Swift, who firft (as the 
 tranflator fays) introduced into thefe 
 kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland an 
 ironical manner of writing, to the difcou- 
 ragement of vice, ill-manners, and folly, 
 and the promotion of virtue, good-manners, 
 and good fenfe. 
 
 The Original contains an apology at the 
 beginning, and another at the end, for the 
 Indelicacy into which the Author is un- 
 avoidably led. The "Jidus interpret" lived 
 at a time when fuch a kind of wit met with 
 a patron in almoft every reader. He feems 
 rather to have laboured in expreffing fully 
 every grofs idea which ought to have 
 been foftened, or might have been omitted 
 without injuring the work. 
 
 The Preface and Conclufion are im- 
 properly pafled over without any notice by 
 
 the
 
 N4o. OLLA PODPxlDA. 403 
 
 the tranOator. Upon the whole, the fate 
 of the traiiflation (which is at prefent almoft 
 totally unknown) is not to be lamented. 
 The Author of the following Veriion will be 
 amply rewarded for his pains, if he can be 
 in the fmalleft degree inftru mental in bring- 
 ing forward the Original into that Notice 
 \vluch it manifeftly merits. 
 
 Qute modeftia ferva?ida Jit mane In veftitii) 
 
 ^ capillis, fade & dentlbus mundandh. 
 T5 * 
 
 Quifquis liabes odio rigidi prsecepta magiftri, 
 
 Qui nifi de morum nil gravitate docet, 
 Hue prbpera, & platidis utentem vocibus audi; 
 
 Non tonat hie aliquis triftia verba Cato. 
 Da mihi te docilem craflb fermone loquentem 5 
 
 Nee dubita, parvo tempore doftus eris. 
 Difcipulus facili fuperare labore magiftrum 
 
 Crede mihi antiqua fimplicitate potes. 
 Et Meet hsec aliquis rigida de gente Sophorilm 
 
 Vituperet, morum, qu^ documenta damns ; 
 Non tamen ilia tibi quicquam nocuifTe videbis ; 
 
 Sedula ii mufejurTa fequere mese. 
 
 I. Fulcra
 
 404 OLLA PODRIDA. N* 40. 
 
 I. 
 
 Fulcra foporiferi cum liqueris alta cubilis, 
 
 (Quod fieri medium non dccet ante diem) 
 Egregie civilis eris, fi nulla parentes 
 
 Mane falutandi fit tibi cura tuos. 
 Non homini cuiquam felicia fata preceris, 
 
 Sa?pe tibi grates dicere ne fit opus. 
 Profpera quamtumvis optes, quid proderit illis ? 
 
 Optima non damnum eft perdere verba leve. 
 Gens fine mane fuos Hebr^a falutet amicos 
 
 Quam tenet implicitam multa fuperftitio. 
 Cur tibi tam levium fit cura fuperflua rerum ? 
 
 Canitiem juftos cura dat ante dies. 
 
 II. 
 
 Non habet exiguas quaque pandiculatio vires, 
 Si medicos par eft credere vera loqui. 
 
 Accidit ex longo nervos torpere fopore, 
 Atque male officii munus obire fui. 
 
 Excitat hos certo tibi pandiculatio motu 
 Utere : nee mores dedecet ilia tuos. 
 
 III. 
 
 Nee reliquis furgens te veftibus indue, nudai 
 
 Indufium fatis eft impofuifle'cuti. 
 Sed reliquas geminis veftes compledtitor ulnis, 
 
 Afpera fi duro frigore fasvit hycms ; 
 
 Scilicet
 
 N4. OLLAPODRIDA. 405 
 
 Scilicet in calido jucundius eft hypocaufto, 
 
 Induere, a fevo nc violere gelu. 
 IVec moveat virgo vel foemina fi fit ibidem, 
 
 Tu tamen uteris moribus ufque tuis. 
 Sique tuis quifquam fadbis ofTenditur, illurn 
 
 Cernere fi talem nolle, abire jube. 
 Qmfque tibi cedat, nectu concefleris ulll, 
 
 Conditione tua es liber, & efle veils. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Tandem ubi veftitus fueris, pendere folutas 
 In genibus caligas (res decet ilia) fines. 
 
 Namque ita virginibus tacka ratlone placebis, 
 Teque fibi obtabit quoeque puella virum. 
 
 Non fat eris fimplex fi corpus, vane, ligare 
 Cseperis; etventri vincula dura nocent. 
 
 V. 
 
 Ne nimis evadas moratus, pedtere crines 
 
 Neglige, negledta eft forma decora viro. 
 Fcernineas crines ornare relinquito turbs ; 
 
 Comantur juvenes quos levis urit amor. 
 Crede mihi, dominum te nulla puella vocabit, 
 
 Si te coinpofito viderit effe pilo. 
 Sint procul a nobis juvenes ut fcemina compti, 
 
 Scribit Amazonio Creffa puella viro. 
 Eximio tibi eritdecori, fipluma capillis 
 
 Mixta erit, & laudem providus inde feres. 
 Scilicet hoc homines poteris convincere figno a 
 
 Non in ftramlneo te cubuifle toro, 
 
 D d 3 VI.
 
 406 OLLA PODRIDA. N 40. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Sint capitis crines longi, nee forcipe tonfi, 
 
 Csfaries humeros tangat ut alta tuos, 
 Tutus ut a trifti rigidae fis frigora brumze, 
 
 Vertice prolixus crinis alendus erit. 
 Cuncti homines quondam longos habucrc 
 capillos, 
 
 Quas modo virgineus curat habere chorus. 
 Regno. pater quando Saturnus prifca tenebaf. 
 
 Tune fuit in longis gloria magna comis. 
 Simpliciuas veterum laudatur ubique virorurn,, 
 
 Qua poles hos Temper fit tibi cura fequi. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Dedecus efTe puta faciemye manufve lavare, 
 Commodius craffo fordet utrunque luto. 
 
 Qui volet his vefci, per me licet, ipfe lavabit^ 
 Dicito : res curg? non erit ilia mihi. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Forfan erit dentes qui te mundare monebit, 
 
 Sed mpnitis parens inveniere cave. 
 Recta valetudocorrumpi dicituroris^ 
 
 Saepe npva fi quis proluat illud aqua. 
 Quid noceat, dentes quod Tint fuligine flavi ? 
 
 Ifle color rpbei cernitur ede croci. 
 Ifle color fulvo quoque non culpatur in auro, 
 
 Auro quod nunquam non amat omnis homo. 
 Dentibus ergo tuis cur fit color ille pudendus ? 
 
 Si fapis, hanc a te fac procul ire fidem. 
 
 Forc'4
 
 N4o. OLLAPODRIDA. 407 
 
 Forc'd to be grave, though wifhing much to 
 
 fmile, 
 
 Who hears, impatient of the humdrum ftyle, 
 Grave Preachers, on grave fubjedts, gravely 
 
 profc, 
 
 So dull they tempt, fo loud they mock rcpofe; 
 Let him to me in gayer mood attend, 
 Nor dread fome thund'ring Cato in a friend. 
 If aught my fong avail, 'tis plain, not nice, 
 He'll prove a fmim'd fcholar in a trice. 
 To vent their fpleen, elate with learned pride, 
 My theme let fchoolmen, if they will, deride | 
 With willing ear who liftens to my rules, 
 Shall hear unmov'd the clamours of the fchools, 
 
 I. 
 
 Quit, quit thy bed, what time the bufy fun 
 ('Twere vulgar fooner) half his courfe hath run. 
 No kind return maternal care demands, 
 And fcorn the bleffing from a father's hands. 
 Let others hail the day with praife and prayer, 
 Eternal gratitude's eternal care. 
 For common welfare let the fond fool pray, 
 (With many a godly fentence thrown away) 
 To whom Religion in her zeal hath given 
 Dire fuperflition and a fear of heaven. 
 Far, far from thee, be fuch ignoble aims, 
 Life with dull care all fellowlhip difclaims. 
 
 Dd 4 II.
 
 408 OLLA PODRIDA. N 40. 
 
 II. 
 
 To ftretch and yawn is great relief to forne* 
 Bracing the {lacken'd nerve with Deep o'ercome. 
 This Doctor Filgrane ftoutly will maintain, 
 And fhall Apothecaries talk in vain ? 
 Befides, how pleafing 'tis fome youth to fee, 
 Gape, ftretch, and yawn, and all that, gracefully 1 
 
 III. 
 Be fure, with half your clothes thrown on, to 
 
 fland, 
 
 (Coat, (lockings, garters, dangling in your hand, J 
 Clofe o'er the parlour fire, for thee 'twas 
 
 made, 
 
 Nor let the cold thy gentle limbs invade. 
 O'er the fame fire tho' nymph or matron glow, 
 'Twere but falfe modefty Ihould bid you go. 
 If friends too nice your plan to cenfure move, 
 $id them be gone to fcenes they more approve; 
 Tp thee, no doubt, all things, all men, IhaU 
 
 bend ; 
 Thy right is liberty, thy right defend. 
 
 IV. 
 
 At length you're dreit, take care, below the 
 
 knees, 
 Let the loofe boot hang down with graceful 
 
 cafe. 
 
 In
 
 N4o. OLLA PQDRIDA. 409 
 
 In this, fome namelefs grace, fome charm un- 
 known, 
 
 Wins the whole fex, and every girl's yo.ur own. 
 
 Loofe let your waidcoat fly, while fnug your 
 chin 
 
 Lies couch'd behind' a well-fpread chitterlin. 
 
 V. 
 
 To tend with anxious touch the plaited hair, 
 Leave to the love-fick fchool-boy and his fair. 
 Do thou flep forth in eafy difhabille, 
 Your uncomb'd ringlets floating as they will; 
 For beaux fo finical in drefs and air 
 Scarce get a fcrawl from Chloe once a year. 
 Thus to her lover writes the Cretan lafs, 
 ** I hate thefe coxcombs that before their glafs, 
 " For ever fix'd, are nothing till they're dreft, 
 <{ And then but bearded women at the beft." 
 All from the downy bed you'll haply bear, 
 (Tis no fmall grace) a feather in your hair. 
 From which mankind this inference may draw, 
 " Ne'er fleeps the gentle youth on bed of ftraw." 
 And praife fo eafily, fo nobly won, 
 What beau, what prudent beau, would ever 
 ihun ? 
 
 VI, 
 
 To crop thy flowing hair, lo ! ready flands 
 The ruthlefs barber with unhallow l d hands, 
 
 Fly,
 
 410 OLLA PODRIDA. N4o 
 
 Fly, fly his touch, you'll wim, amid the fna.v, 
 Beneath your wonted perriwig to glo.v. 
 In times of old, by ribbon unconfin'd, 
 Their long lank locks were glory of mankind. 
 Such locks the nymphs now wear (in filks 
 
 who ruille), 
 
 In rich luxuriance reaching to the buftle. 
 Fie on our bob tail'd race, thefe days are o'er, 
 And time lhall fee {trait heads of hair no more. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Some foufe in water every morn their face, 
 And think clean hands give fomething of ^ 
 
 grace. 
 
 Who on their fingers feed, for lack of meat, 
 Such men fhould walh their food before they 
 
 eat. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Some are fuch fools, they clean their teeth, ancl 
 
 cry, 
 
 An unclean tooth is loathfome to the eye. 
 Take heed, Dame Nature fays, obey her laws a 
 Cold water is the Devil in your jaws. 
 What tho' your grinders, odious to the view, 
 Vie with the crocus in her yellow hue ? 
 Or golden guinea to exceed afpire. 
 The crocus and the guinea all admire. 
 Take my advice, remain in perfect eafe, 
 Be your teeth black, blue, green, or what you 
 
 pleafe ! 
 
 NVM-
 
 NUMBER XLI. 
 
 SATURDAY, December 22, 1787. 
 
 ?* He that prefers the boafted excellence of 
 " antlent times to the endearments and the 
 " embelUJhments of modern life, may be 
 " charged with the depraved tajle of the 
 " Hottentot, who, on his return to his 
 " native country ', fooo.k of the European 
 * drefS) naufeated European food, and in- 
 " dulged in all the exceffes of his country- 
 
 men." 
 
 FARR'sSermons. [Quotation by memory.] 
 
 TH E Declaimers on Morals have fre- 
 quently poured forth their Inveo 
 againfl the Living, in favour of the 
 
 Dead.
 
 412 OLLA PODRIDA. N J 4 r. 
 
 Dead. The virtues of pad: ages have been 
 confidered by them as purer than the pre- 
 ient, more worthy of imitation, and more- 
 conducive to happinefs. It will neither be 
 a ufelefs fpeculation, nor a matter of in- 
 fuperable difficulty, to explode this vulgar 
 error, and to prove to thofe who have had 
 the misfortune, as fome think it, to be bo.m 
 in the eighteenth century, that it is as free 
 from grofs violations of Rectitude and De- 
 corum as any that have preceded it. 
 
 It will be readily admitted by every Per- 
 fon of an enlightened Underftanding, that 
 the number of our public Executions can 
 be no criterion of the depravity of our 
 manners, or our progrefs in vitious refine- 
 ment. When laws are multiplied to fuch 
 an immenfe degree, there muft infallibly 
 be more victims to their neglect, as the 
 more cobwebs the fpider fpins, the more 
 heedlefs flies are likely to be caught. We 
 leave, therefore, the comparative number of 
 names, which have lately filled the annals 
 of Newgate, to the confideration of the of- 
 ficers of the police, who are moft benefited 
 by their augmentation, and who would ba 
 
 moft
 
 N4i- OLLA PODRIDA. 413 
 
 moft injured, if every itatutable offence were 
 not profecuted to conviction ; and proceed- 
 ing to a review of the Religion, the Man- 
 ners, and the Amufements of the Age, mall 
 draw fuch conciufions as will abundantly 
 prove our petition. 
 
 That there is fome (hare of Profligacy, 
 Infidelity, and Irreligion, confpicuoufly in 
 the prefent age, few will be hardy enough 
 to deny ; but that real Virtue, Piety, and 
 Truth, are both practifed and countenanc* 
 ed, rnuft be equally evident, to all whofe 
 minds are not tinctured with the gloom of 
 Fanaticifm, or foured with the kaven of 
 Mifanthropy. In the Church, in the State, 
 in the Senate, and at the Bar, we have 
 Men, eminent for the difcharge of duty : 
 Men who adorn elevated rank by corre-< 
 fponding manners ; and are unfalhionable 
 enough to think Religion has charms, and 
 Virtue an inherent luftre. 
 
 The prefent times afford many eminent 
 examples of religion and piety among the 
 higheft orders of the State ; of the Nobili- 
 ty, paying a due refpeft to the doctrines of 
 
 Chrif-
 
 414 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4 f 
 
 Chriftianity in general, and fhewing a 
 promptitude to vindicate the national 
 Church in particular ; and yet treating 
 Diffenters of every denomination with can- 
 dour and affection. A conduct like this 
 exalts true religion, and points out the Al- 
 liance of Chriftianity to Heaven. The 
 prejudices of illiberal minds are always as 
 hoftile to its progrefs, as they are difgrace- 
 ful to the bread that indulges them. In 
 former days, religion was flamed with vio- 
 lence and blood ; it now begins to aflame 
 its native luftre, and to be marked with its 
 genuine charadteriftics ; it breathes " peace 
 " and good-will to men.'* 
 
 To form a due Eflimate of the Morals 
 of the prefent age will be an eafy matter, 
 They are influenced by Religion ; and if 
 the latter be pure and generally practifed, 
 the former will of neceffity receive a polifh 
 from jrts connection. That Charity tri- 
 umphs over Avarice ; that the focial obli- 
 gations are fulfilled with a more exact ob- 
 fervance ; that the Virtues of Humanity 
 have gained an Afcendancy over Cruelty 
 
 and
 
 N 41. OLLA PODRIDA. 415 
 
 and Revenge ; are pofitions that need only 
 be named to be allowed. 
 
 It is not to be denied, that former Ages 
 were replete . with examples of heroifm, 
 magnanimity, and a contempt of death : 
 I give them full credit for fuperior abfte- 
 mioufnefs, and more refigned humility : 
 they produce men who were zealous for 
 religion, who were lovers of their country, 
 and foes to tyrants ; men, who were valiant 
 in war, and amiable in peace, but where 
 was to be found that polifh which is uni- 
 verfally diffufed over modern manners ? 
 that civilization, that mildnefs, and grace, 
 which reprefs the burfts of furious pafiions, 
 and foften the ferocity of Rudnefs and 
 Barbarity ? 
 
 War, the peft of the human race, and 
 the difgrace of reafon, was once carried on 
 with horrors now unknown. The public 
 enemy, when difarmed, is now treated 
 with the indulgence of a private friend ; 
 and, inflead of dragging the vanquifhed at 
 our chariot-wheels, Humanity and Gentle- 
 nefs go hand in hand to foften the feverity 
 of defeat, and to reconcile the conquered 
 
 to
 
 4i6 OLLAPODRIDA. N4*. 
 
 to himfelf. The fame amiablenefs of man* 
 ners is vifible in humbler circumftances, 
 and difplayed on lefs important occafions. 
 The fnarling Cynic may call all this effe- 
 minacy, and dignify favage qualities with 
 the appellation of virtues : he may deno- 
 minate piety a weaknefs, and ftigmatize 
 the humane with want of fpirit. But let 
 it be obferved, in anfwer to his cavils, that 
 whatever renders mankind more amiable, 
 
 and more refined, whatever binds one to 
 
 * 
 
 another with more endearing ties, is a vir- 
 tue, and a virtue deferving applaufe. 
 
 As Manners are intimately connected 
 with our Religion, fo our Amufements 
 have a clofe affinity to our Manners. The 
 boifterous mirth, the rude joy, the indeli- 
 cate witticifms, which ufed to delight even 
 the higheft ranks, are now degraded to the 
 lowed ; and if refinement progreffively 
 goes on, we may hope in time to fee even 
 the lower orders of Society too enlightened 
 to tafte them, The obftreperous jollity of 
 the bowl, though fometimes admitted, is 
 now no longer boafted of. The moft 
 fplendid triumphs of Bacchus are not*con- 
 
 iidered
 
 N4'- OLLA PODRIDA. 417 
 
 fidered as conferring glory on the moil 
 zealous of his votaries ; and he, who can 
 vanquifh his companions over the bottle, 
 is as little valued hy thofe who pretend 
 to refinement, as, a few years hence, he 
 will moil propably be, who can lay no 
 claims to merit, except his reiolution in 
 Hiking his neck over a five-bar gate ; or 
 killing his horfe, that he may boafl the pal- 
 try atchievement of being in at the death. 
 
 But of all the amufements that modern 
 times can exhibit with juft pretensions to 
 applaufe, the Stage, in its prefent flate, is 
 one of the chief. The lewd allufion, the 
 profane jell, and the imprecatory expletives 
 of language, are now relifhed only by thofe 
 whofe ideas are circumferibed by the mean- 
 nefs of their birth, and the fcantinefs of 
 their education ; or whofe minds have 
 never imbibed right fentimcnts of genuine 
 humour, and flerling fenfe. But it is not 
 the public Stage to which I would ccnfins 
 my commendations; as its managers have the 
 Million to pleafe, they are too often obli- 
 ged to do violence to their own Judgement, 
 in order to gratify a vitiated and vulgar 
 E e taile.
 
 4 i3 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4 n 
 
 tafte. It is the eftablifhment of private 
 Theatres that I particularly advert to, as a 
 proof of the fuperior tafte and elegance of 
 this age over every preceding one. This 
 may juftly be denominated an asra in the 
 fcenic art, when trick and artifice are ba- 
 nifhed, and their places fnccefsfully fuppli- 
 ed by eafy manners. Whoever has had the 
 pleafure of feeing the performances of our 
 nobility and gentry on their own Stages, 
 where only the moft admired and moft de- 
 corous pieces are reprefented, and where 
 the aftors appear more ambitious to imitate 
 real life than to mine in affe&ed fituations, 
 muft confefs, that the dominion of tafte 
 has widely extended itfelf, and that frivo- 
 lous or vicious paftimes are exchanged for 
 rational and inftru6tive purfuits. In con- 
 fequence of this diffufioh of dramatic per- 
 formances, the Stage is more likely than 
 ever to become the School of Virtue^ and 
 the Picture of living Manners. For in. 
 whatever light the furly dogmatifr. may 
 confider plays in general, it may be aflerted, 
 on fafe grounds, that they may be good in 
 particular ; they may impart much know- 
 ledge
 
 N 4 i- OLLA PODRIDA. 419 
 
 ledge without the langonr of ftudy ; and 
 warn from error without an approach to 
 the verge of guilt. Indeed, where Vir- 
 tue obtains thofe rewards which Heaven 
 will beftow, and- poetic jufYice mould never 
 withhold ; and where vice {marts for its 
 crimes, and is not rendered alluring by the 
 attraction of pleafing qualities ; then the 
 Stage may be considered as an auxiliary to 
 the Pulpit, for Morality and Religion 
 muft ever be united, 
 
 M, 
 
 e* KUM-
 
 [ 420 ] 
 
 NUMBER XLII, 
 
 SATURDAY, December 29, 1787. 
 
 Cavendum eft, jl Ipfe adtfices, ne extra modutri 
 Sumptu et Magnlficentia prodeas. 
 
 CICERO de Officiis* 
 
 TTT7HEN Greece and Rome had emer- 
 ged from Barbarifm to an exalted 
 State of Civilization, a diftinguifhed place 
 among the Arts was given to Architecture. 
 The accomplifhed Pericles, affifted by the 
 refined genius of Phidias, adorned Athens 
 with thofe Temples, Theatres, and Porti- 
 cos, which even in Ruins have excited the 
 Admiration of Pofterity. After Auguftus 
 had eftablimed the peace of the Roman 
 
 world.
 
 N42. OLLAPODRIDA. 421 
 
 world, a fimilar Difplay of Magnificence 
 was exhibited, and equalled, or rather fur- 
 pafTed the Glory of Athens. This memo- 
 rable Era of Architecture is eminently dif- 
 tinguimed by the Elegance of the Palatine 
 Temple of Apollo, and the Sublimity of the 
 Pantheon. 
 
 The progrefs of Refinement from pub- 
 lick to private Works muft necefTarily be 
 hafty and immediate, becaufe nothing is 
 more natural to Man than Imitation, par- 
 ticularly of that which is the Object of his 
 Wonder and Applaufe. They who daily 
 furveyed fuch Edifices as were remarkable 
 for Capacioufnefs and Grandeur, projected 
 the Erection of fimilar Structures upon a 
 more confined Plan. Their Defigns were 
 frequently carried to fuch an Excefs in the 
 Execution, as to pafs the Limits of Conve- 
 nience and Economy, and give a loofe to 
 the Sallies of (Mentation and Extravagance, 
 From this Source was derived the juft In- 
 dignation with which Demofthenes in- 
 veighed againfl the degenerate Athenians, 
 whofe Houfes eclipfed the publick Build- 
 ings, and were lafting Monuments of Va- 
 E e 3 nity
 
 422 OLLA PODRIDA. N 42. 
 
 nity triumphant over Patriotifm. The 
 Stridures of Horace flow in a fimilar 
 Channel, and plainly indicate that the fame 
 prepofrerous Rage for Buildin'g prevailed 
 among the Romans. Even if we make 
 Allowance for the hyperbolical Flights of 
 the Lyric Mufe, we rnuft ftill fuppofe tha.t 
 vail and continued Operations of Architects 
 were carried on by Land and Water, "Jince 
 ** a few Acres only were left for the Exer- 
 " c tf e of the Plough, and the Fijhiverefenfible 
 " of the Contraction of their Element" 
 
 The Tranfition from the Antients to the 
 Moderns is eafy and obvious. It muft 
 be confefled, that, like fervile Copyifls, we 
 have too clofely followed the Originals of 
 our great Matters, and have delineated 
 their Faults as well as their Beauties. The 
 Contagion of the Building-Influenza was 
 not peculiar to 'the Greeks and Romans, 
 but has extended its Virulence to this coun- 
 try, where it rages with unabating Vio- 
 lence. Neither the Acutenefs of Pott, nor 
 the Erudition of Jebb, are neceflary to 
 afcertain its Symptoms in various Parts of 
 England. Bath, Briitol, Cheltenham, 
 
 Brighton 3
 
 N42 OLLA PODRIDA. 423 
 
 Brighton, and Margate, bear evident 
 Marks of its wide Diffufion. The Metro- 
 polis is manifeftly the Centrp of the Dif- 
 eafe. In other Places, the Accumulation 
 is made by occafionally adding Houfe to 
 Houfe ; but in London, Street is fuddenly 
 added to Street, and Square to Square. 
 The adjacent Villages in a fhort Time un- 
 dergo a complete Transformation, and bear 
 no more Refemblance to their original 
 State, than Phyllis the Milk- maid does to a 
 .Lady Mayorefs. The Citizen who twenty 
 Years ago enjoyed at his Country Seat 
 ppre Air, undifturbed Retirement, and an 
 extenfive ProfpecT:, is now furrounded by 3. 
 populous Neighbourhood. The purity of 
 the Air is fullied with fmoke, and the 
 Profpet is cut off by the oppofite Houfes. 
 The Retirement is interrupted by the 
 London Cries, and the Yociferations of the 
 Watchmen. In the Vicinity of the Capi- 
 tal every ituation is propitious to the Ma- 
 fon and the Carpenter. Manfions daily 
 strife upon the Marfhes of Lr.mbeth, the 
 Roads of Keniington, and the Hills of 
 Hampftead. The Chain of Buildings fa 
 E e 4 clofely
 
 424 OLLA PODRIDA. N42. 
 
 clofely unites the Country with the Town, 
 that the Diftmctibn is loft between Cheap- 
 fide and Saint George's Fields. This idea 
 fcruck the Mind of a Child, who lives at 
 Clapham, with fo much Force, that he 
 obferved, " If they go on building at jucb a 
 " Rate, London will foon be next Door to 
 . us." 
 
 A ftrong light is often thrown upon the 
 Manners of a People by their proverbial 
 fay ings. When the Irifh are highly enrag- 
 ed, they exprefs a Wifh which is not 
 tempered with much of the Milk of kind- 
 nefs, by faying, " May the Spirit of Build- 
 ing come upon you " If an Irifhman be ones 
 pofleffed by this Demon, it is difficult to 
 flop his Progrefs through Brick and Mor- 
 tar, till he exchanges the Superintendance 
 of his Workmen for the Confinement of a 
 Prifon. But this Propensity is not merely 
 vifible in the Environs of Dublin, or upon 
 the Shores of Cork ; it is equally a Charac- 
 tereftic of the Sifter Kingdom. 
 
 England can furnim not a few Inftances 
 of Men of Tafte who have fold the beft 
 Oaks of their Efhtes for Gilding and Gi-
 
 N42. OLLAPODRIDA. 425 
 
 randoles, -of Fathers who have beggared 
 their Families to enjoy the Pleafure of 
 feeing Green-houfes and Pineries arife un- 
 der their Infpedtion ; and of Fox-hunters 
 who have begun with a Dog-kennel, and 
 ended with a Dwelling-houfe. Enough is 
 every Day done by the Amateurs of Wyat 
 and Chambers, to palliate the Cenfure of 
 Oftentation and Ufeleflhefs that is lavifhly 
 thrown upon the King's Houfe at Win- 
 chefter, and the Radcliffe Library at Ox- 
 ford. 
 
 My Coufin, Qbadiah Projetf, Efq. for- 
 merly a refpectable Deputy of Farringdon 
 Ward Within, retired into the Country, 
 when he had reached his grand Climacle- 
 ric, upon a fmall Eftate. While he lived 
 in Town, his favourite Hobby- horfe, which 
 was Building, had never carried him far- 
 ther than to change the Situation of a 
 Door, or erecting a Chimney. On fettling 
 in his new Habitation, as he was no Sportf- 
 man, he found himfelf inclined to turn 
 Student. His Genius led him to perufe 
 Books of Architecture. For two Years 
 nothing pleafed him fo much as he Buil- 
 der's
 
 426 OLLAPODRIDA. N*42, 
 
 der's Coatpkat Guide, Campbell's Vitruvius* 
 and SaxiJby s Views. All theie heated his 
 Imagination with the Beauties of Palaces, 
 
 delighted his Eye with the Regularity 
 the Orders, for which he felt a vague 
 
 confu-fed Fondnefs. He had, perhaps, 
 j*o more Idea of the Diiti'nction between a 
 Cornice and a Colonnade, than the rnon- 
 flrous Craws. Unluckily, Sir Maximilian 
 Barleycorn was his Neighbour, who had 
 lately erected a Houfe upon the Italian 
 Plan. As my Coufin was laying cut hL* 
 Garden, he found that the Soil was com- 
 pcfed of a fine Vein of Clay. It i in medi- 
 ately {truck him, that Bricks might he pro- 
 cured at a very cheap rate. The Force of In- 
 clination, combined with Rivalfliip, and en- 
 couraged by Opportunity, is too powerful 
 for Man to refift. He therefore flew to tell 
 Jlis Wife of the grand Difcovery, and in- 
 veighed with much Warmth againfl the 
 Smallnefs of their Parlour, the Badnefs of 
 the Kitchen Floor, and the ruinous State 
 of the Garrets. She mildly reprefented 
 that they had no Money to throw away 
 a new Houfe, and that the old one 
 
 mighj;
 
 ISP 42. OLLA PODRIDA. 427 
 
 might cheaply be put into repair. Her 
 Remarks had juft as much Effect, as the 
 Advice of the Barber and the Curate had 
 upon Don Quixote. The next day he played 
 Geoffry Gambado, by taking a ride to con- 
 fult Mr. Pjf the Architect. Mr. Puff was 
 
 *-4/* 
 
 confident that the old Houfe muft fall 
 down in a Day or two, and propofed the 
 following Plan for a new one, which 
 exactly reflected my Coufnvs Ideas. The 
 Rooms were to be all Cubes. In Front, a 
 Venetian Door, with a Portico fupported 
 by Brick Pillars, with wooden Capitals ; 
 and fix Bow-windows. A Balcony was 
 propofed, but afterwards given up becaufe 
 it was vulgar* My Coufin retired to a 
 neighbouring Cottage. The old Houfe 
 was pulled down, and the Brick-Makers 
 fcegan their Operations. Unfortunately the 
 Wind happened to blow in fuch a Direc- 
 tion as to create much Anpqyance with 
 Clouds of Smoak from the Kilns. Whilft 
 my Coufin was half furrbcated and half 
 buried in Rubbifh, Sir Maximilian Barley- 
 corn and his Lady came to pay a Morning 
 Vifit, They entered the Cottage juft at 
 
 the
 
 428 OLLA PODRIDA. N42. 
 
 fhe Moment when Mrs. Project was fet- 
 ting the Boiler upon the Fire, and her 
 Huiband was paring Potatoes. They were 
 obliged to perform thefe Offices for them- 
 felves, becaufe the only Servant for whom 
 they could find Room had been turned off 
 that Morning for abufing Carpenters and 
 Mafons. Sir Maximilian haftily took his 
 Leave, and fwore by his Knighthood, that 
 Jlpes were the loive/l Animals in the Creation. 
 My Coufm had calculated, that as he burnt 
 Jiis own Bricks for home Confumption, 
 they would not be fubject to any Tax. An 
 Excifeman undeceived him before the 
 Houfe was finished, by hinting that he 
 tad incurred a heavy Penalty, which he 
 was obliged to pay. He contrived, however, 
 to keep up his Spirits, by marking the 
 Progrefs of his Houfe, and the Improve- 
 ments around it. Not far from the Vene- 
 tian Door was a Horfepond, which the 
 Genius of Project enlarged into a circular 
 Piece of Water. He requefled his Friends 
 to fuggeft the moft tafty Ornaments. One 
 propofed a Shepherd and Shepherdefs upon 
 a Pedeflal in the Middle. Another obferv- 
 
 edL
 
 N42. OLLA PODR1DA. 429 
 
 ed, that if Farmer Peafcod's Gander could 
 be placed in it when Company came, they 
 would give him Credit for keeping a Swan* 
 A third, whofe Notion of Things was im- 
 proved by frequent Vifits to Vauxhall, was 
 fure that a Tin Cafcade would look very 
 pretty by Moon-light. Project, not liking 
 to take up with one good Thing, when 
 four were to be had, refolved to adorn his 
 Water with them all. He foon after re- 
 moved into his New Habitation, long be- 
 fore the Walls were dry. An Ague and 
 Fever were the Confequence of this rafli 
 Step. His Fever was probably increafed 
 by PufPs Bill, to pay which he fold the 
 greater Part of his Eftate. During his 
 Illnefs, he gradually awoke to a Senfe of 
 his late Imprudence, requefted the For- 
 givenefs of his Wife for not liftening to her 
 Advice, and begged me to imprefs his 
 dying Injunctions indelibly on my Me- 
 mory, " Never build after you are Jive and 
 ''forty ; have Jive Tears Income in Hand be-> 
 <* fore you lay a Brick ; and always calculate 
 " the Expence at Double ihe EJlimale" 
 
 N U M-
 
 NUMBER XLIII. 
 
 SATURDAY, Januarys, 
 
 Rerum concordla difcors.- 
 
 O H O U L D a Dutchman make his ap* 
 pearance as an Opera-dancer, a French-* 
 man be prefented to us as a Bruifer, a 
 German as Wit, or a Hottentot as a Matter 
 of the Ceremonies, we mould be all ready 
 to exclaim, They are Jlrangely out of Cha- 
 rafter. Frequently will this exclamation, 
 proceed from any one who is attentive to 
 the Language which flows around him, 
 as he pafles through the crowded fhreets of 
 
 London*
 
 B*43- OLLA PODHiDA. 431 
 
 London. He will obferve, not without 
 fome furprize, the bold and venturefome 
 bargains of a mean and fqualid-looking 
 Mifer ; he will hear the declamatory difc 
 cuffions of a political Peruke-maker ; and 
 be difguiWi with' the technical vulgarities 
 of a Jockey Lord. Let him transfer his 
 attention from the converfation to the lives 
 and conduit of mankind, and a (hort ieries 
 of events will teach him not to be furprized, 
 Ihould he find inconfiltencies as unaccount- 
 able and as motley a mixture of heteroge- 
 neous qualities. Chance may difcover to 
 him fituatiohs wherein the Fop becomes a 
 Sloven, the Rebel a Tyrant, the Syco- 
 phant a Churl, the Patriot ;i Courtier,, and 
 the Libertine a religious Difputant. He 
 who is hackney'd in the ways of Men is 
 gradually familiarized to thefe incongrui- 
 ties. The frequent occurrence of what 
 might at fir ft amaze him, lofes the power 
 of exciting furprize, when it lofes its no- 
 velty. That which was formerly beheld 
 Avith aftonifhment and averfion, is at length 
 regarded with fixed unconcern, or calm ac- 
 quiefcence. 
 
 The
 
 432 OLLA PODRIDA. N 4j ; 
 
 The florms of the Ocean were once ter- 
 rible to the Boy who, now he is become a 
 Manner, furveys them without dread, and 
 hears them without complaint. 
 
 The incongruities abovementioned do not 
 confine themfelves to particular characters, 
 but are fo univerfally diffufed through all 
 ranks and denominations of men, as to ap- 
 pear not fo much the mark of particular 
 failings, as a general characterise of our 
 hature, a common ingredient in the hu- 
 man conftitution, from the flippant levi- 
 ties of the Boy too tall for fchool, to the 
 ferious and folemn trifling of the Philofo- 
 pher. ,Who has not obferved the Moralifl 
 deal forth his leflbns of virtue to the 
 world, while de declares by his conduct 
 that he doubts the efficacy of his own doc- 
 trine ? He extols the value of time, while 
 he fufFers it to pafs in idle complaints or 
 fruitlefs contemplation on the rapidity of 
 its flight. He can afcertain with nice andf 
 accurate diftinctions the boundaries of Vir- 
 tue and Vice; he can exhort us to the 
 practice of the former, with the volubility 
 ef declamation, or deter us from the latter 
 
 7 b /
 
 &43- OLLA POD RID A. 43! 
 
 by expoiing it with, the poignancy of ani- 
 mated ridicule. But it too frequently hap- 
 pens, that Cicero with the publick is Clo- 
 dius at home, and that in the armour of 
 the Chriftian Hero we find Sir Richard 
 Steele. All the palliations which friend- 
 {hip could fuggeft to the biographer of Sa- 
 vage, have not been able to hide from the 
 world the imprudence, the folly, and the 
 vice, for which he might be ftigmatized, 
 from his own writings. 
 
 ^ttam temere in nofmet legem fandmus iniquam* 
 
 It is perhaps neceflary, that for the du- 
 ration of one good difpofition *>f Mind, 
 another fhould exift by way of relief to it. 
 Vivacity is a proper companion for Seriouf- 
 nefs, Chearfulnefs for Piety, and Conde- 
 fcenfion for Magnanimity. 
 
 Alterhts fie 
 Alt era pofclt opem rci, et conjurat amice. 
 
 Such a con trad has a fine effce& in the 
 picture of the Soul. It i?a virtue in him 
 who holds the moft elevated iituarion oc- 
 cafionally to lay aiide the formalities of his 
 Rank without degrading himfelf. For 
 F f greatnsls r
 
 434 OLLAPODRIDA. N 4^ 
 
 greatnefs, even if regal, L . eits relaxa- 
 
 tions. Taj bow wliicli is always bent 
 
 /, 
 
 lofes much of its elafticity. The wifdom 
 and exalted character of Agefilaub did not 
 prevent him from engaging in puerile 
 amufements with his Children. The vir- 
 tuous Scipio and the fagacious Laslius di- 
 verted themfelvcs with picking up Shells 
 upon the fea-more. To draw an example 
 from more recent times, the great Newton 
 not infrequently left the Canfes of the 
 Tides, and the - Excentricities of Comets, 
 to play with his Cat. 
 
 Such is the motley tablet of man's mind, 
 that we fee painted upon it not only the 
 mixed colours of virtue and vice, but of 
 virtues which affift, and of vices which 
 increafe by fupporting each other. Gene? 
 rofity disciplined by prudence makes its pof- 
 feflbr literal without profufion, and an 
 ceconomift without parfimony. It preferves 
 him from the imputation of weaknefs by 
 mifplaced benevolence, and thereby fur- 
 nifties him with the double power of hold- 
 ing out afliftance to thofe who want it. 
 
 Although
 
 435 
 
 Although the mifts of prejudice had ga- 
 thered thick around Johnfon when he be- 
 came the biographer of Swift, he could not 
 but vindicate his parh'mony from the cen- 
 fure of meannefs, becaufe it was exercifed 
 only as the auxiliary to his Beneficence. 
 Generoilty indeed may be c.onfidered as the 
 projectile Force of the Mind, which would 
 fly off to the moft extravagant length, did 
 not Prudence act as a power of attraction to 
 keep it within its proper orbit. 
 
 The fame bofom is oftentimes diffracted 
 by the conflict of contending pa (Bon s, to- 
 tally different in their exertions, but alike 
 baneful in their influence. Prodigality and 
 avarice meet but to try wnether'the one 
 can fcatter with the wilder extravagance, 
 or the -her lave with the more rigorous 
 and unwearied meannefs. Thus are they 
 alternately encouraged by each otht-r. 
 Avarice furnimes the means for profufiou, 
 and pro fu (ion makes avarice more neceiiary. 
 *' To be greedy of the property of others, 
 " and laviih of his own,'' were the ftrpngeft 
 traits of Catiline's mind. In modern ii'ie, 
 among thofe who are curled with a iimuar 
 Ffz difpofition,
 
 456 OLLA PODKIDA. N 43, 
 
 difpofition, no one is more remarkable than 
 the Gamejier. 
 
 Cruelty' and cowardice, ignorance and 
 prefumption, infolence and fervility, are 
 the general aiibciates, yet the general op- 
 ponents. They are united to harrafs each 
 other; they engage, and like Antaeus gather 
 ftrength from every defeat. He who can 
 contemplate thefe inconfiftencies and at- 
 tempt to reconcile fuch abfurdities to reafon, 
 may hant for beauties in Oflian, or un- 
 alloy'd purity in a Birmingham coin ; or 
 ihould he find fuch toil ineffectual, let him 
 extract candour from a profefFed Critic, 
 ranfack the world for an Attorney of mo- 
 derate peculation and tolerable honefry, 
 or liilen with credulity to the narrative of 
 Captain Lemuel Gulliver. 
 
 How frequent are our exclamations, in a 
 fhameful fpirit of ftudied negligence, or 
 lifllefs inactivity, that time is a heavy bur- 
 then to us I how loud are our complaints 
 that we have nothing to do ! Yet how in- 
 confiftent are thefe exclamations, and thefe 
 complaints, with the declarations which 
 truth and reafon fo often extort from us, 
 i that
 
 N43* OLLA PODRIDA. 437 
 
 that the flight of time reproaches us with 
 .our fupinenefs, and that a day never pafles 
 without our *' having left undone thole 
 *' things which we ought to have done !" 
 
 While we are thus capricious and con- 
 tradictory in our. actions and opinions, ever 
 wishing that completed which we ever de- 
 lay to begin, lamenting over imaginary 
 wants, neglecting to enjoy bleflings we 
 pofTefs, grafping at the fleeting phantom 
 of happinefs, ad regardlefs of the fubftan- 
 tial form of it, human life appears like a 
 patchwork of ill-forted colours ; like the 
 fantaftic and incongruous phantafms of a 
 dream, or, for aught I know, like the 
 mifcellapeous ingredients of an Olla Po- 
 drida, 
 
 F f 3 N U M<
 
 [ 433 ] 
 
 N U M B E R XLIV* 
 
 SATURDAY, January 12, 1788. 
 
 A te prlncipium, t'wi define t. VIRG* 
 
 Of fclf fo dear I fang in number, one, 
 By felf fo dear I'll end as I've begun. 
 
 F there be any of my readers, whether 
 inhabiting the retirements of the lfl.e 
 of Muck, frequenters of the religious re- 
 ceptacles of St. James's or St. Giles's, or 
 tenants of a bow-window in Shoe-lane, to 
 whom it mall be a matter of momentary 
 concern that they are now reading the lail 
 
 1\ umber
 
 N 44- OLLAPODKIDA. 4 -9 
 
 Number cif the OLLA PODRIDA ; to fuch I 
 would return thanks for the patience witii 
 which thev have toiled through mv pa^rs. 
 
 - o r o 
 
 and ad m miller iome conlolation under their 
 prefent d i fan point men t. I have the iatii- 
 fp.ction to reflect that I take my leave of the 
 world, at a time wheil it cannot be at a lofs 
 for am u feme tit. The Ifle of Muck has, no 
 douht, thofe pleating recreations by which 
 the gloom of a winter's evening is eafily 
 diffipated. The exercife of hot- cockles, 
 and the agreeable diverfion of blindman's- 
 
 \*j 
 
 bufF, has moft likely found it's way even to 
 the inmoft of the Hebrides, where Simpli- 
 city has. fo firmly withftood the inroads of 
 refinement, and where a deviation from 
 JBarbarifm feems to have been considered as 
 a defection from Virtue. Let me remind 
 my friends in Shoe-lane llkewife, that the 
 deflation of this paper's appearance amongft 
 them ought not to be confidered as a ca- 
 lamity, while the feafon furniflies fuch a 
 variety of entertainment : He, who from 
 reafons which I will not pretend to enquire 
 into has perufed with any degree of plea- 
 F f 4 furs
 
 440 OLLA POBRIDA. N 44. 
 
 fare the numbers of this work, now find? 
 his mental amufement happily diverfified 
 by " the Bellman's addrefs to his Mailers 
 and Miftrefles all," in which, I muft add, 
 be he Poet, Moralift, Philofopher, or 
 Lounger, he will meet with ample fubjecl; 
 for difcufiion or contemplation. 
 
 Amongft other traits of our national 
 character, 1 know not that our obfer- 
 vance of religious feftiyals has ever been no- 
 ticed. The hiftories of nations furnim us 
 with no examples of fuch annual enfhufiafrn 
 as marks the inhabitants of Great Britain. 
 Chriftmas never viiits us without a train of 
 peculiar rites and ceremonies, to which I 
 iuppofe our Hiftprians ha,ve not extended 
 their notice, becaufe they have been un- 
 willing to deal forth their cenfures upon 
 their Countrymen. How we ought tq 
 commemorate this feafon, every one may 
 know ; how we do commemorate it, no one 
 is ignorant ; and there is perhaps not much 
 diftin.clion betvyeen the qmiffions of him 
 who negle&s to pracYife what he knows is 
 right, and of him who is ignorant of what 
 
 he
 
 N44- OLLAPODRIDA. 441 
 
 he ought to know. But as it is confidera* 
 bly to my intereft to bid farewell to my 
 readers, without leaving them in ill hu- 
 mour, I mail lay a reftraint upon my in- 
 clination to moralize, and be very brief 
 upon a fubject which perhaps demands a 
 more ample difcuflion. To the ferious it 
 is unnecefTary to fuggeft, that the time is 
 now prefent which they are called upon, 
 by their Reafon and their Religion, to wel- 
 come with every demonftration of rational 
 and fettled joy. Thefe are reflections to 
 which they are naturally led without ex- 
 hortation, and which the gay might in- 
 dulge without diminution of their happi- 
 nefs. Yet fome there are, who without 
 tafte for the enjoyment of gaiety are never 
 difpofed to ferioufnefs ; who, from a trifling 
 difpofition, are devoted to endlefs infipidity, 
 and affe&ed mirth ; or, from vicious ten- 
 dencies, are willing to banifh reflection, left 
 it mould bring with it an interruption to 
 their fuppofed happjnefs. But left I fhould 
 feerri already to have forgotten my promife 
 of reftraining my inclination to moralize, I 
 
 lhall
 
 44* OLLA PQDRIDA. 
 
 fhall fill up part of my vacant page with 
 that beautiful Sonnet of Shakfpeare, fa 
 well deiCribing the natural appearance of 
 Winter. If there be any one to whom it 
 is new, I (hall be entitled to his thanks ; 
 and he, to whom it is familiar, cannot read 
 it again without pleafure. Its fimplicity 1 
 know not how fufficiently to commend. 
 
 When ificles hang by the wall, 
 And Dick the Shepherd blows his nail, 
 And Tom bears logs into the hall, 
 And milk comes frozen home in pail ; 
 When blood is nipt, and ways be foul ; 
 Then nightly fings the flaring owl 
 Tu-whit, tu-whoo, a merry note, 
 While greafy Joan doth keel the pot.' 
 
 When all around the wind doth 
 And coughing drowns the Parfon's faw, 
 And birds lit brooding in the fnow, 
 And Marian's nofe looks red and raw,- 
 When roafted crabs hifs in the bowl ; 
 Then riightly fings the flaring owl 
 Tu-whit, tu-whoo, a merry note", 
 W T hile greafy Joan doth keel the pot. 
 
 With
 
 N 44. O L L A P O D R 1 D A. 443 
 
 With regard to the tendency of thefe 
 pages which I here offer to the publick, I 
 know my own intentions, and am fatif- 
 fied. How they are executed, it remains 
 for them to judge,' To the Critics I have 
 nothing to fav. He who would mun cri- 
 
 CD J 
 
 ticifm, mud not be a fcribbler ; and he 
 who would court it, mull: have great abili- 
 ties or creat follv. 
 
 D * 
 
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