LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 RIVERSIDE
 
 AMHERST LIFE.

 
 AMHERST LIFE 
 
 Selections from the 
 under graduate pub- 
 lications at Am- 
 herst College : : : 
 Edited by Walter 
 Savage Ball : : : 
 Illustrated by W'll- 
 iam Cary Duncan 
 
 Published by 
 
 WILLIAM CARPENTER HOWLAND 
 Amherst, mdcccxcvi.
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1896, 
 
 BY 
 WILLIAM CARPENTER ROWLAND.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 THE selections that make up this book 
 have been chosen from the various publica- 
 tions of the college in an endeavor to pre- 
 sent, as faithfully as may be, a picture of 
 the real student life at Amherst; life being 
 best defined by the sophomore as ''What 
 we talk about after dinner." In order to 
 accomplish this, mere literary excellence 
 has not been sought for, since this is but 
 one result of a single phase of college life. 
 Undergraduates will care more to remem- 
 ber what they talked about than how their 
 classmates wrote ; while those who have 
 already passed commencement day and the 
 parchment "rite" will at best think of 
 little merit the cleverness of undergraduate 
 style, but care much to feel again the stu- 
 dent abandon, which once enabled them to 
 poke fun at the most sacred of their institu- 
 tions or to moralize happily on the gravest 
 questions of their college life. 
 
 Of the three college publications, "The
 
 Vi PREFACE. 
 
 Olio " contains by far the most of the typi- 
 cal student spirit. In the more dignified 
 publications the college writer too often 
 leaves the rich and attractive field of under- 
 graduate experiences to attempt the por- 
 trayal of scenes less familiar to himself and 
 less interesting to his readers. " The Olio " 
 is at present almost the only place where the 
 familiar scenes of Amherst are dealt with. 
 Its position as the annual jest-book of the 
 college gives it a freedom of thought and 
 expression which, while they would often 
 be entirely out of place in either of the 
 other publications, nevertheless present 
 student ideas on the faculty, the town, 
 college customs and institutions, as found 
 nowhere else save in the student's private 
 den, amid clouds of laugh-tossed smoke. 
 These are the things that are remembered 
 in after years, and these are the things the 
 present book endeavors to preserve. 
 
 Several sketches which give expression 
 to the free views and critical observation 
 that characterize the student in his dealings 
 with his immediate surroundings have been 
 taken from the recent numbers of the 
 "Amherst Literary Monthly." A few of 
 the best stories that have appeared in the
 
 PREFACE. Vll 
 
 same magazine, describing Amherst scenes 
 and illustrating the special features of Am- 
 herst life, are included. 
 
 The aim has been to make this distinct- 
 ively an Amherst book. In accordance 
 with this aim, a department has been given 
 to articles on the Amherst senate, whose 
 rise was viewed with so much interest by 
 the colleges of the country and whose fall 
 was mourned by the many friends of 
 Amherst. Here will be found a letter 
 written by an alumnus to the Amherst 
 Student, at the time when the senate ques- 
 tion was in special debate. In the same 
 department are placed the undergraduate 
 ideas on compulsory church and chapel. 
 The lightly expressed sentiments of the 
 student often convey in the directest man- 
 ner his more earnest and thoughtful 
 opinions on such questions as these. A 
 book on Amherst life would also be incom- 
 plete to alumni, present and future, without 
 some memories of the faculty, for many of 
 the student's best ideas come in connection 
 with the professor himself, rather than the 
 professor's teaching, where they of course 
 belong. 
 
 Aside from classing the selections under
 
 Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 the few very general topics the order of 
 arrangement has been left pretty much to 
 itself, thus illustrating the apparent irrel- 
 evancy of the experiences and thoughts of 
 him who has been called "the man with a 
 purpose alterable only by a dispensation of 
 Providence or a joke on his superiors": 
 the college undergraduate.
 
 The selections in this book have been 
 taken from the following sources: 
 
 From the Eighty-five Olio : " The Mark- 
 ing System," "Amherst Fire Department." 
 
 From the Eighty-six Olio: "A Short 
 History of Amherst College." 
 
 From the Eighty-seven Olio: "Am- 
 herst Miscellany." 
 
 From the Eighty-eight Olio: "History 
 of the Senate," "The Annual Picture Rush." 
 
 From the Eighty-nine Olio: "Dedication 
 to the Senate." 
 
 From the Ninety-one Olio: "The Old 
 Dormitories," " Ubi Sunt, O Pocula! '' 
 
 From the Ninety- two Olio : " Extracts 
 from the Catalogue," ," To Julius Hawley 
 Seelye," "Rime of the Ancient Derwall," 
 "Compulsory Chapel Attendance." 
 
 From the Ninety-three Olio: "Chimes 
 from the Dumb Bells," "The Convents." 
 
 From the Ninety-four- Olio : "The Pur- 
 ple and White," "To Richie," "A Matin 
 Idyl," " To the Pharisee." 
 
 ix
 
 X AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 From the Ninety-five Olio: "To Good 
 Old Doc," "Four Lives," "The Snake 
 Editor's Dream," "To the Trustees," "In 
 Amherst Town," "Ye Jolly Junior," 
 "Satires of Amherst," "A General Esti- 
 mate." 
 
 From the Ninety-six Olio: "To Profes- 
 sor Garman," "A Reverie from Rhetoric," 
 "The Convent Girl," "The Plugger," 
 "The Maiden and Her Friend," "Over 
 the Notch," "A Meditative Student," 
 " Old Derwall on Memory." 
 
 From the Ninety-seven Olio: "The 
 Ex-Smoker's Lament," " As to College 
 Hall," "A. P. A.," "To the Head of the 
 German Department." 
 
 From the Literary Monthly: "The 
 Sport's Off Day," " Ministering Angels," 
 "A Dimpled Platonist," "A Political 
 Deal," "Sawyer's Holiday," "Two Verses." 
 
 From the Student: "A Light Verse 
 Doxology," "A New 'In Loco Parentis' 
 Idea," "A Bit of Correspondence."
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 THE COLLEGE. 
 
 A Short History of Amherst College . i 
 
 Extracts from the Catalogue, . . 9 
 
 A. P. A., 12 
 
 As to College Hall, .... 16 
 
 The Old Dormitories (1890), . . . 18 
 
 To the Trustees, .... 20 
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 
 
 To Julius Hawley Seelye, ... 25 
 
 Two Verses, 26 
 
 A General Estimate, .... 27 
 To " Good Old Doc," .... 28 
 Professor Garman, ..... 29 
 To the Head of the German Depart- 
 ment, 30 
 
 Our Marking System 31 
 
 Chimes from the Dumb-bells, . . 32 
 
 The Rime of the Ancient Derwall, . 34 
 
 Old Derwall on Memory, ... 37 
 
 THE SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 
 
 Compulsory Chapel Attendance, . . 43 
 
 A Light Verse Doxology, ... 45 
 
 Satires of Amherst, .... 46 
 
 The Snake Editor's Dream, . . 49
 
 Xll CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 History of the Senate to 1887, . . 54 
 
 A Bit of Correspondence, ... 56 
 
 A New " In Loco Parentis " Idea, . 61 
 
 Dedication of the '89 Olio, . . 61 
 
 The Maiden and Her Friend, . . 62 
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 
 
 A Matin Idyl, 67 
 
 Ubi Sunt, O Pocula ! .... 68 
 
 The Annual Picture Rush, . . 69 
 
 The Plugger, 73 
 
 Ministering Angels, .... 74 
 
 To the Pharisee, 77 
 
 The Amherst Fire Department, . 78 
 
 A Meditative Student 83 
 
 The Sport's Off-day, .... 84 
 
 Before the Free Delivery, ... 87 
 
 The Convents, 89 
 
 AMHERST REVERIES. 
 
 In Amherst Town, .... 93 
 
 Four Lives, 94 
 
 Reverie from Rhetoric, ... 96 
 
 Amherst Miscellany, . . . . 97 
 
 The Ex-Smoker's Lament, ... 98 
 
 To the Convent Girl, . . . . 100 
 
 Over the Notch 101 
 
 Ye Jollie Junior 102 
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 
 
 A Dimpled Platonist 105 
 
 A Political Deal, . . . . 119 
 
 Sawyer's Holiday, 129
 
 THE PURPLE AND WHITE. 
 
 Old Amherst, our loved Alma Mater, 
 
 Enthroned on thy beautiful hill, 
 Thou fountain from whence purest water, 
 
 In dear limpid streams does distill; 
 Thy symbols, the book and the sun, 
 
 Shall together the far lands enlight. 
 All hail to thy glorious colors ! 
 
 Three cheers for the purple and white ! 
 
 Fond memories of thee shall e'er linger, 
 
 Enshrined in each son's loyal heart. 
 Thy precepts shall be as a finger, 
 
 Directing our course on life's chart. 
 Thy name shall sound forth as our watchword, 
 
 Leading into the thick of the fight, 
 As we press ever onward and upward, 
 
 Proudly wearing the purple and white. 
 
 Rich purple, the old regal color, 
 
 The badge now of thy royalty 
 May its bright luster never grow duller 
 
 Ever strong as our own loyalty. 
 Together, with its fair companion, 
 
 So pure, unspotted, and bright, 
 May it ever wave gloriously o'er us, 
 
 Three cheers for the purple and white !
 
 THE COLLEGE.
 
 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 A SHORT HISTORY OF AMHERST 
 COLLEGE. 
 
 TO 1885. 
 
 ( The writer of this history desires to express 
 his obligations to Professor W. S. Tyler, from 
 whose excellent history of Amherst College he 
 has derived much information ; and also to 
 Professor Genung and Lord Macaulay, whose 
 styles he has tried to follow. ) 
 
 THE want of a college in the Connecticut 
 valley seems to have been felt previous to 
 the Revolution, probably wanted by the 
 starving storekeepers, and as there was 
 a mother in Amherst for the college, it was 
 established here some time after the want 
 was felt. 
 
 The great natural beauty of the place 
 had, perhaps, something to do with the
 
 4 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 college being located in Amherst. On the 
 east was Pelham, a great and flourishing 
 metropolis, as large, if not larger, then 
 than now, and there were the "Pelham 
 daisies." The country about the north 
 raised grapes and watermelons in abund- 
 ance, and this could teach the students to 
 look out for themselves. On the south 
 there was a river, and that is all there is 
 there now. On the west was Old Hadley, 
 the Connecticut river, and Northampton. 
 Students of the present day wonder what 
 Hamp could have been in those days. 
 Where were Smith and Miss Burnham's, 
 and what would Hamp be without them ? 
 You can borrow a dollar there now. 
 
 But we were speaking of the founding of 
 the college. There had been an effort to 
 unite the mother to Williams, which was then 
 a much larger and more flourishing college 
 than it is now, but this finally fell through, 
 as the Williams men wanted the earth. 
 They don't now. But finally things came 
 to a focus, and with the help of a Williams 
 brother (how much we owe to Williams 
 they now teach us to play baseball !) and 
 some masons the corner stone was laid 
 August 9, 1820. We have tried to find it,
 
 THE COLLEGE. 5 
 
 but could not. It has probably gone to 
 find the Starr Grove mines another Am- 
 herst industry. 
 
 The college started in 1821, with Zepha- 
 niah Swift Moore of Williams (Williams 
 again) as president. We will here remark 
 that Williams seems to be as much the 
 mother of Amherst College, as the Amherst 
 Academy, and we are compelled in acknowl- 
 edging the relationship to quote from Hor- 
 ace : O matre pulchra filia pulchrior. 
 
 The college was first called, and was, per- 
 haps, a charity institution. We merely 
 make this allusion to show how things 
 change. No one would call it a charity 
 institution now. There is no charity shown 
 to students, or there would be no afternoon 
 service on Sundays, and the editors of this 
 publication would receive good scholarships, 
 but we may get them yet. 
 
 The term bills were $10 and $11, and 
 the students received as much instruc- 
 tion as we do now for $50, but they could 
 not attend prayers and church as often. 
 So we pay $88 per year for religious ser- 
 vices but we get our money's worth. 
 
 Board was from $i to $1.25 per week, 
 and with the faculty grapes and Sunderland
 
 6 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 watermelons, the students probably had 
 enough to eat. 
 
 From its foundation up to February 21, 
 1825, the college got along without a char- 
 ter, but on that date one was granted, and 
 Amherst became one of the chartered col- 
 leges of the land. How many of the faculty 
 and students have ever seen this charter ? 
 
 In August, 1830, a great event occurred, 
 namely, the founding of the Antivenenean 
 society. The members swore off on about 
 everything except watermelons and chapel, 
 and the society was, and is now, one of the 
 most popular in college. There have also 
 been missionary bands in the college. The 
 early bands converted the heathen in Pel- 
 ham and Hadley, and the one now in col- 
 lege is trying to convert the members 
 themselves. 
 
 The college has received in all but $52,- 
 500 from the state, not a third of what a 
 small college at Williamstown, or not a 
 tithe of what Harvard has received, but has 
 always looked out and cared for herself. 
 
 The college has funds amounting to 
 $595,000 (or had some years ago; it is 
 probably larger now). The value of the 
 buildings, funds, etc., is over a million
 
 THE COLLEGE. ^ 
 
 dollars, and yet we are burdened twice a 
 year by a note reading as follows : 
 
 Amherst College, 
 
 Mr , 
 
 DEAR SIR : 
 
 The first (or second) installment of your 
 term bill is still unpaid. Please give it 
 your prompt attention. 
 
 Yours truly, 
 
 W. A. DICKINSON, 
 
 Treasurer. 
 
 Comment is unnecessary. 
 
 As tall oaks from little acorns grow, our 
 college has grown so that now its branches 
 cover many lands, while its roots derive 
 nourishment from every country and every 
 clime. Amherst has brave men in foreign 
 lands working for the gospel of Christ. 
 She has given lawmakers to our country, 
 and has sent forth some of the greatest 
 preachers of modern times. She has never 
 given a president of the United States, or a 
 pickpocket, but many of us are young yet. 
 
 All old and young graduates love Am- 
 herst, and when we go forth to our labors, 
 among the happiest of our memories will
 
 8 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 be the days of our college life. When far 
 away we can see as though in a dream, the 
 rushes, rope-pulls, and rackets; the cutting, 
 cribbing, and convents; the ball games and 
 athletics; and we can also hear the college 
 yell, and can almost see, rising and floating 
 above all, the purple and white of old Am- 
 herst. 
 
 So while we sit and muse these words will 
 come to us: 
 
 " And eastward still, upon the last green step, 
 From which the angel of the morning light 
 Leaps to the meadow lands, fair Amherst sat, 
 Capped by her many- windowed colleges." 
 
 And, while in the midst of these recollec- 
 tions we are 
 
 ' ' Kind o' smily round the lips, 
 And teary round the lashes," 
 
 we will say down deep in our hearts: " God 
 bless and keep old Amherst ! "
 
 THE COLLEGE. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM THE CATA- 
 LOGUE. 
 
 ADMINISTRATION. 
 
 THE following are the principles of 'ad- 
 ministration observed : 
 
 (i.) Work is assigned the student with 
 careful reference to his capacity. This is 
 especially true in the section of modern 
 languages; this section points with pride to 
 the fact that out of 976 students who have 
 taken German or Italian 6^ years, only y 2 
 per cent, have died from brain fever, and 
 in his case it was sunstroke. 
 
 (2.) The student should make the utmost 
 improvement of his time and talents in 
 regularly and diligently doing what the 
 athletic association assigns him. 
 
 (3.) No student should be continued in a 
 class for which he is unfit; no man who 
 cannot horse accurately and fluently need 
 apply for any monitorship. 
 
 (4.) Every student is expected to cut one- 
 tenth of all his recitations, or his case will 
 come up before the senate. 
 
 (5.) Regularity of attendance on the
 
 10 AM H ERST LIFE. 
 
 religious services is required, but close 
 attention is purely optional. The section 
 of English literature will on application 
 furnish lists of good books for use in con- 
 nection with these services. 
 
 THE PORTER ADMISSION PRIZE. 
 
 Any freshman who takes this prize is 
 expected to loaf, get fired out of Pott's, and 
 suffer from swelled head. 
 
 MATHEMATICS. 
 
 The instruction during freshman year is 
 devoted to geometry, algebra, and trigonom- 
 etry. In addition, the advanced division 
 during the spring term pursues a course of 
 surveying under the auspices of the athletic 
 association. 
 
 HYGIENE. 
 
 The freshmen are first instructed in the 
 use of the various parts of the student body, 
 and this is followed by laboratory work in 
 the gymnasium. In the spring term a 
 slight amount of study in human physi- 
 ology is allowed, supplemented by many 
 anatomical preparations and amusing illus- 
 trations. All students are required to take 
 this course, and very few ever regret it.
 
 THE COLLEGE. 1 1 
 
 EXPENSES. 
 
 Term bills $110.00 
 
 Room rent 2.00 
 
 Fuel (in dormitories) and lights. . . 45. oo 
 
 Board (Merrick's) 13-5 
 
 Doctor's bills (Merrick's) 6<xoo 
 
 Total $230. 50 
 
 A higher rent is charged for some of the 
 best rooms in the dormitories and in town. 
 Expenses vary according to the character 
 and luxurious habits of the students. They 
 can be materially reduced by borrowing 
 kerosene and stealing coal. 
 
 HALLOCK PARK. 
 
 This is an original forest of six acres, to 
 which the attention of the sporting fra- 
 ternity is now directed. It is well stocked 
 with canaries and other game birds. Some 
 of the trees have been measured with a 
 theodolite, and they are 30 feet 6)^ inches 
 high. Only a little underbrush has been 
 left; a wagon road for the use of heavy 
 teams passes through it, and lovers of the 
 beautiful are allowed without extra charge 
 to watch the trains on the Central Massa- 
 chusetts get stuck in the cut, or gaze at the
 
 12 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 fences on the other side of the cut or 
 around Blake field. The park is very 
 near Pratt field, and can be easily reached 
 from there by way of Pelham. Students 
 generally frequent this lovely spot in 
 moments of leisure, or for the enjoyment 
 of its facilities for quiet study. 
 
 A. P. A. 
 
 AMHERST PICKPOCKET ASSOCIATION. 
 FOUNDED IN 1821. 
 
 Object By a closer fraternal union of the 
 members to promote their mutual interests. 
 
 History Started by the townspeople in 
 1821, it has been virtually under their con- 
 trol ever since. All are members, from the 
 young imp old enough to run errands, to 
 the venerable retired minister of the gospel, 
 who, all aglow with kindliness and benevo- 
 lence, labors to convince the anxious parent 
 of the immense advantage that his son will 
 receive in having a gray-haired guardian and 
 adviser who can guide the inexperienced 
 youth safely through (?) the many snares
 
 THE COLLEGE. 13 
 
 and pitfalls of college life, particularly of 
 freshman year. 
 
 The proceedings of the Association have 
 always been characterized by the greatest 
 unanimity and singleness of aim, and until 
 recently no signs of internal dissension 
 have been perceived. 
 
 The first meeting of the year was held 
 early in the opening week of fall term, and 
 at first promised to be no more eventful 
 than usual. After initiating the latest addi- 
 tions to the faculty, and granting the degree 
 of E. P. (Eminent Purloiner) to two tutors 
 for their zealous work in behalf of the asso- 
 ciation in their respective departments, the 
 society proceeded to business. The report 
 of the committee appointed at the last 
 meeting to procure designs for badges was 
 called for, and after much discussion a bit 
 of sponge tied to the buttonhole with a 
 gilt ribbon was adopted, as being most ap- 
 propriate. The salute was also changed. 
 Formerly it had been given by laying the 
 forefinger of the right hand along the nose, 
 and winking with the left eye. Now it was 
 to be made by placing the hand with three 
 fingers extended, upon the right breast 
 pocket of the coat, that being the pocket
 
 14 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 where the members supposedly carried 
 their pocketbooks. Tip objected on the 
 ground that he carried his in his hat, and a 
 special exception was made in his case. 
 
 Next, secretary Swamp read his annual 
 report. He said that the society was not 
 as strong in some points as it should be, 
 and care should be taken not to kill the 
 goose that was laying the golden egg. The 
 " co-op " store showed a falling off in its re- 
 turns. The lecture course had kicked the 
 bucket. The new "lab" with its unright- 
 eous fees, was a winning card, but in order 
 to silence the murmurs of the victims, the 
 association had been obliged to give up 
 vespers, and it looked now, as if compul 
 er institutional worship would have to go 
 too. At this, Spear's representative arose 
 and objected so strenuously on the ground 
 that it would ruin the trade in novels, that 
 the idea was abandoned at once. Then 
 Swampy suggested that "gym" drill be sac- 
 rificed, but at that Old Doc leaped to his 
 feet. It wouldn't do. The Hitchcock and 
 Blodgett syndicate had been by far the 
 most productive scheme yet put in practice, 
 and he wasn't going to see it pinched, not 
 by a good deal. It was bad enough as it
 
 THE COLLEGE. 15 
 
 was. There had long been a demand for 
 sweaters in place of the useless blue bags 
 that Blodgett furnished as coats, and now 
 Ninety-seven had gone and worn tennis 
 trousers at the Lincoln exhibition. Prexy 
 here rapped for order, and suggested that 
 they let the matter rest until he had thrown 
 out a few more sops from the chapel pulpit. 
 He could tickle the boys a little on athlet- 
 ics, scholarship, good-behavior, and so on. 
 They could even bring up the senate matter 
 again. It wouldn't do any harm to talk 
 about it, and it might pacify the victims for 
 a while. He guessed that with a little oil 
 things would move on pretty smoothly. 
 
 The advisability of establishing branch 
 associations at Hamp and Springfield was 
 next discussed, but it was finally decided to 
 be unnecessary. 
 
 The meeting was then adjourned, and 
 the members repaired to Brother Deuel's, 
 
 where they partook of on the new 
 
 initiates.
 
 16 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 AS TO COLLEGE HALL. 
 
 THERE has been considerable discussion 
 of late among archaeologists in regard to 
 the origin and identity of college hall. Pro- 
 fessor Sterret had at one time actually 
 made up his mind to discover in it the sites 
 of Lystra and Derbe, but wisely changed 
 his mind at the last moment, ad chose the 
 far East instead, on account of its more 
 healthful climate. 
 
 The Noah's ark theory is another popu- 
 lar fancy in relation to our relic of pre- 
 historic architecture situated next the 
 library. Professor Elwell says that "the 
 building corresponds most decidedly with 
 the recollections which he has of that his- 
 toric craft." The fact that good, respect- 
 able doves can be induced to take up their 
 abode in the ramshackle tower, points 
 strongly to some deep-seated cause for 
 their affection other than any passing fancy. 
 The professor even claims that he has seen 
 the swift birds winging their way toward 
 the tower with olive branches in their 
 mouths, but on closer questioning it was
 
 THE COLLEGE. 17 
 
 found to have occurred in the nesting sea- 
 son, and the so-called olive branches were 
 proven to be straws from a stable-yard. 
 Professor Frink claims that the west end of 
 the building, at least, is a part of the 
 original garden of Eden, for he says it 
 always seems like paradise to him. His 
 proteges, on the other hand, are unanimous 
 in the opinion that it is the famous "Black 
 Hole of Calcutta," renovated and restored, 
 but possessing, nevertheless, many of the 
 features of the original. 
 
 Trembling undergraduates at examina- 
 tion time have hinted that it was the well- 
 known "lion's den" of Bible story, and 
 between chattering teeth have sung "Dare 
 to be a Daniel," as they entered its awful 
 portals. 
 
 The Amherst G. A. R., with character- 
 istic originality, positively asserted that it 
 was Libby Prison, until Libby Prisons be- 
 came as common at all large expositions as 
 pieces of the true cross in Old World mon- 
 asteries; and the idea was abandoned as 
 too commonplace. 
 
 A dispute then arose on the question of 
 choice between the battleship Merrimac 
 and the house where Lee surrendered, a
 
 1 8 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 compromise being finally effected and Fort 
 Sumter chosen as the lucky place. These 
 are but a few of the latest nineteenth-cen- 
 tury suggestions as to college hall. All 
 differ widely and all have some plausible 
 points. THE OLIO cannot and cares not to 
 discriminate. All it claims is that the old 
 wreck ought to be put under glass and 
 preserved for what it is a relic; not forced 
 into unseemly use as a hall of learning. 
 People do not use Indian arrow heads for 
 cobble stones, nor the " true cross " to 
 train pea vines on. There is a propriety 
 which demands that college hall be laid on 
 the shelf or torn down. 
 
 THE OLD DORMITORIES (1890). 
 
 AMONG the many superior advantages 
 which our college affords, none are more 
 noteworthy than those which are offered by 
 a residence in one of our admirable dor- 
 mitories. The dormitory system is so 
 simple and so complete, that to mention it 
 in other terms than those of the highest
 
 THE COLLEGE. 19 
 
 praise would be to betray a carping spirit 
 indeed. Perhaps the most elegant of them 
 all is that known as North Purgatory. 
 This building exhibits all of the Greek 
 simplicity, but abhors those ultra refine- 
 ments which, we are told, finally resulted in 
 the spinal curvature of Greek outlines in 
 general. Within are spacious rooms, which 
 are arranged with great economy of space, 
 being hampered by none of those obstruct- 
 ing angles and shelving roofs which abound 
 in buildings of the hybrid " Queen Anne " 
 order. The hall-ways are provided with 
 board floors, and there are three flights of 
 stairs for the convenience of the students. 
 Hardly less handsome and commodious, 
 and an almost equal favorite, is the dormi- 
 tory known as South Sheol. On the fourth 
 floor of this building are the favorite rooms, 
 looking out upon the tennis court and 
 that beautiful specimen of modern architec- 
 ture, the Appleton cabinet. The facilities 
 for exercise afforded by these apartments 
 are excellent, as coal may be carried from 
 the basement up the three flights of stairs 
 at the will of the student. The social 
 advantages secured by a life in these noble 
 dormitories are too well known to need 
 3
 
 20 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 enumeration here. Enough to say that 
 these advantages are unsurpassed by those 
 of any lunatic asylum in the country, and 
 that the character of their occupants is in 
 keeping with the incomparable tone of the 
 buildings themselves. 
 
 TO THE TRUSTEES, 
 
 OR whoever is responsible for the selec- 
 tion of the site of the new laboratory, we 
 tender our most hearty congratulations. 
 For inconvenience of access and general 
 unsightliness it certainly surpasses any 
 other location in town. It is difficult to 
 imagine what deterred those controlling 
 the location of the building from placing it 
 on the Pelham hills. There it would have 
 been a landmark visible for miles in all 
 directions. All possibility of its being 
 regarded as a part of the gas works or hat 
 shops would thus have been avoided, and 
 as for convenience well, that doesn't ap- 
 pear to cut any figure in the consideration. 
 It is to be hoped that Pete, Amherst's
 
 THE COLLEGE. 21 
 
 only ticket speculator, or some other phil- 
 anthropic " sharper," ever mindful of the 
 student's interests, will at once inaugu- 
 rate a stage line to run between the vari- 
 ous fraternity houses and our suburban 
 laboratory.
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES.
 
 TO JULIUS HAWLEY SEELYE. 
 (1891.) 
 
 IN the twilight of life, when the husband- 
 man's labor is done, 
 
 Let him rest from the cares of the day, who 
 hath labored so well 'neath the sun. 
 
 For his service was honest and good since 
 his service began, 
 
 As becometh a worker in truth who is toil- 
 ing for God and for man. 
 
 In the autumn of life, when the husband- 
 man, weary and gray, 
 
 Findeth rest from his summer of toil, let 
 our honor his labor repay. 
 
 Let him rest as the husbandman rests, with 
 his loved and his own, 
 
 While he leaveth to others the fruit of the 
 seed that his spirit hath sown. 
 
 For the russet or gold of his harvest already 
 appears, 
 
 And the reapers are stalwart and young 
 who shall garner the wealth of his 
 years ; 
 
 =5
 
 26 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 And their hands shall be willing and glad, 
 
 and their spirit be strong, 
 As they harvest the fruit of his toil, and 
 
 remember his worth in a song. 
 
 TWO VERSES. 
 
 IN MEMORIAM JULIUS H. SEELYE, 1895. 
 I. 
 
 A BIRD sang sweet and loud, 
 
 He kissed a little child: 
 A rainbow burst a cloud, 
 
 He took a sinner's hand: 
 A fruit tree blossomed white, 
 
 A death sting he beguiled: 
 A blind man found his sight, 
 
 He made him understand. 
 
 ii. 
 
 He towered head and shoulders over aver- 
 age man, 
 A noble figure that yet blessed the land 
 
 it trod; 
 
 I said, he stands upright as only godlike can, 
 I said, his head is high because he talks 
 with God
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 27 
 
 A GENERAL ESTIMATE. 
 
 EXTRACT FROM A PAMPHLET DISCOVERED 
 IN 4000 A. D. 
 
 AND in a certain place named Massa- 
 chusetts there was founded, in 1821, a col- 
 lege called Amherst. It has not yet been 
 ascertained whether the College derived its 
 name from the town in which it was situ- 
 ated, but beyond a doubt it was the most 
 noted of all similar institutions on account 
 of the quaint and peculiar body of men 
 which in those days was known as the 
 faculty. Many nice young men came to 
 this place in the fall, and stayed until the 
 following summer. It is supposed that 
 they came here to instruct the faculty con- 
 cerning the movements of the world outside 
 of Amherst. The so-called faculty were 
 not "up" in this particular branch. No 
 blame is attached to them, however, on this 
 account, because they had belonged to the 
 College for so long a time and had been 
 handed down from epoch to epoch, genera- 
 tion after generation, that the institution
 
 28 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 felt bound to hold them in restraint, lest 
 some more formidable body like Fore- 
 paugh's circus or Dartmouth College might 
 capture and make way with them. 
 
 TO "GOOD OLD DOC." 
 
 OUR Good Old Doc's a man, 
 A man who needs no praise; 
 
 To whom be peace and honor, 
 Sound health and length of days. 
 
 With step that's firm and quick, 
 With accents sharp and true, 
 
 With way that's bright and cheery, 
 In truth a man for you. 
 
 No student has a friend 
 Who'll aid near half as well, 
 
 Or last so long and faithful 
 As Doc, of whom we tell. 
 
 And when in after years 
 We all come back again, 
 
 We'll greet Doc then right royal 
 With voice and not with pen.
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 29 
 
 For Good Old Doc's a man, 
 A man right through and through, 
 
 And though his locks are silver, 
 He's young as I or you. 
 
 And so let honor rest 
 
 Upon that silver head, 
 And peace with gentle motion 
 
 Her golden wings outspread. 
 
 For Good Old Doc's a man, 
 
 A man right through and through, 
 
 And though his locks are silver, 
 He's young as I or you. 
 
 PROFESSOR GARMAN. 
 
 A MAN whom Wisdom's children long 
 To know; and knowing come to trust; 
 And trusting learn to love. He strikes 
 The deepest, noblest chords within 
 Our hearts, and teaches us to know 
 Ourselves, our fellows, and our God.
 
 3 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 FROM Tips' biological lectures: " If I 
 should ever preach in the college church, 
 if such a thing were conceivable, I would 
 preach on the Sabbath ; and I don't know 
 as I should say very much about the Sab- 
 bath either. I would emphasize the other 
 part of the text : ' Six days shalt thou 
 labor.'" 
 
 TO THE HEAD OF THE GERMAN 
 DEPARTMENT. 
 
 IF you're fond of racy stories, 
 
 If you want a spicy joke, 
 If you like to hear related 
 
 A pleasant anecdote ; 
 If your quest is for a teacher 
 
 Who will never be a bore, 
 Then hie you to the portals wide 
 
 Of Richie's class-room door. 
 
 If what you want is wisdom, 
 Well mixed with common sense, 
 
 If you wish to hear life's problems 
 Discussed with eloquence,
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 3 1 
 
 If you like a plain and earnest man, 
 Who's a man right through and through, 
 
 Then Richie is the proper one 
 To fill the bill for you. 
 
 OUR MARKING SYSTEM. 
 
 THE FACULTY SLIP. 
 
 Mr. X. 
 
 Latin, . 3 
 
 Greek, .... 3 
 Mathematics, 
 
 Actual mark, ... 
 
 THE STUDENT SLIP. 
 
 Mr. X. 
 
 Latin, . . 3 
 
 Greek, .... 3 
 
 Mathematics, .... 4 
 
 3 io 
 
 Your mark for last term was . . 3 
 E. B. MARSH.
 
 32 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 CHIMES FROM THE DUMB-BELLS. 
 
 " GENTLEMEN! By by my eternal birth- 
 right, if I see another one of you throw- 
 ing a dumb-bell across this floor, I will 
 hand him over to the captain for fifty cents 
 a dumb-bell. You may think that it's 
 smart, and funny, but it isn't. I know 
 you're young and green yet, and feel good 
 and like to frisk round and let yourselves 
 loose now and then like new-born calves, 
 but, gentlemen, I do draw the line some- 
 where. I don't very often say, 'you shall,' 
 and 'you sha'n't ! ' but there are some 
 things which must be held sacred even in 
 this gymnasium. You know they have a 
 day in the church calendar which they call 
 'All Saints' Day'; now I think that you're 
 like the church. You have the day, but I'd 
 like to name it 'All Devils' Day.' [Long 
 continued yells and stamping.] Gentlemen! 
 GENTLEMEN ! I command you to atten- 
 tion. [Silence after a while.] When my 
 father heard that I was to have charge of 
 the gymnasium, says he, ' Edward, my son, 
 you'll have to be pretty free with the boys
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 33 
 
 and take care not to put too tight a restraint 
 upon them,' and I've found out that it's so. 
 It's always best to be obliging to you young 
 men, but I'll have you to understand that 
 my powers of endurance have a limit. I 
 can dismiss the class; I never had to do 
 such a thing before, but if I see any more 
 such monkey-shines as you've indulged in 
 this morning, I vow I'll do it." 
 
 "All right, I believe, Mr. Captain." 
 N. B. We might remark that after this 
 speech an event happened which had never 
 taken place before in the history of Amherst 
 college. "Old Doc," actually forgot to 
 say, " Gentlemen, the men marked absent 
 are," etc. 
 
 RICHIE'S jokes are pungent quite, 
 Sometimes, mayhap, rather trite; 
 Richie is a " merry wight," 
 And his marks are out of sight. 
 
 STUDENT (making out report in the 
 Physics Laboratory) Well, hang it, what 
 was the object of this experiment, anyhow ? 
 
 VOICE (from a fellow slave) To get back 
 your $3 lab. fee.
 
 34 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 RICHIE has some pretty good ideas in 
 his head. His latest, as expressed to his 
 class, is 
 
 "Work like thunder. 
 Play like thunder. 
 Rest like thunder. 
 Yes, by thunder ! " 
 
 THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT 
 DERWALL. 
 
 i. 
 
 SOMEWHAT back from the college street 
 Stands the " lab." Oh, sweet retreat ! 
 Around its antique, weather-beaten door 
 The spirits of tortured sophomores loudly 
 
 roar, 
 
 And from his station in the room 
 The ancient Derwall says to all who come, 
 "Five dollars more for Ned, for Ned; 
 Five dollars more for Ned ! " 
 
 n. 
 
 Leaning halfway over the counter he stands, 
 And points and beckons with his hands.
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 35 
 
 Still he utters this solemn croak 
 (While the sophomore, under his cloak, 
 Pities himself and sighs, alas ! 
 I'd give a fiver to be elected to pass), 
 " You must not think, not think, 
 You must not think." 
 
 in. 
 
 By day his step is low and light, 
 But in the silent dead of night, 
 Distinct his passing footsteps fall; 
 They echo along the vacant hall 
 Along the ceiling, along the floor 
 As he pauses at the bottle of H 2 SO 4 , 
 
 "Your process will stick 'em, will stick 
 
 'em; 
 Your process will stick 'em." 
 
 IV. 
 
 Through days of grind and days of mirth, 
 Through days of cuts and days of dearth, 
 Through every swift vicissitude 
 Of changeful time, unchanged he's stood. 
 And as if, forever, he all things saw, 
 He quietly sends these words of awe: 
 " Your mark is below two, 'low two; 
 Your mark is below two." 
 4
 
 36 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 V. 
 
 Within that "lab " in festive glee, 
 Sports a tutor from the faculty. 
 Wild spirits round the laboratory roared, 
 While the "Faculty" counted their hoard. 
 But like the skeleton at the feast, 
 That warning Derwall never ceased, 
 "Twenty-five I've stuck, I've stuck; 
 Twenty-five I've stuck." 
 
 VI. 
 
 There groups of merry seniors played, 
 There fresh and juniors carefully strayed, 
 Oh, precious hours! Oh, golden prime ! 
 Sufficiency of money, " supe," and time. 
 E'en as a miser counts his gold, 
 These hours the young Doc carefully told. 
 "You'll pass very soon, very soon; 
 You'll pass very soon." 
 
 VII. 
 
 We will all be scattered soon, and fled; 
 Some in prison, some still under Ned. 
 When found, to freshmen we give this 
 
 advice, 
 If you want a "gut," a "snap," something 
 
 nice,
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 37 
 
 Elect " Derwall " ; but as they hurry 
 
 swiftly by, 
 
 The ghosts of former classes make reply : 
 " Yes; but not now, not now; 
 Yes, but not now." 
 
 VISITOR (passing Walker hall, 2 p. M.) 
 What is this noise I hear at the left ? The 
 boys cheering down at the football field ? 
 
 STUDENT. Oh, no ! That's the German 
 division laughing at one of Richie's jokes. 
 
 OLD DERWALL ON MEMORY. 
 
 Now, gentl'mun, er right here, now, I'll 
 er make a few remarks, yer know, on 
 er on-er-r-r mem'ry, yer know. Mem'ry 
 is a valuable thing if we er ta-ta if er 
 yer hev it, yer know, and don't fergit ! 
 Now, you learn a lot o' things about this 
 and that and th' other, and you keep 'em 
 'bout a day, yer know, and er-r-r-r-um- 
 er-r-um-eh ! eh ! eh ! and then, yer know 
 (here Derwall gets warmed up), and then
 
 38 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 a-a-a yer fergit all-1-1 'bout urn; yes, all 
 'bout um. Well now, gentl'mun, thet's not 
 the right way; mem'ry is ter remember 
 things by, yer know a-and if a mm a 
 yer fergit all you ever learn, yer'll never 
 know much. You must learn, gentl'mun, 
 to 'sociate one thing with another and a- 
 a-mm-a-ta-a-ta-a m-make an impression 
 on your mind, y' know, then you wunt 
 fergit. 
 
 Now, fer example, s'posin' two of you 
 fellers er were ridin' out in a kerrige, 
 well er-a-er say ter ter Hamp ! Yer 
 a-talkin' 'bout this thing and that and 
 a-a lot of other nonsense, yer know ! 
 Don't make much diff'rence, y' know, and 
 yer don't care whether it's raining up er 
 down ! Well now, yer know, 'sposin' yer 
 git onter the railroad crossin' between here 
 and Ha-adley, a mm-a-er and er-r-r 
 yer know, while yer a talkin' and a foolin', 
 ye' know, the car conies down the track-a, 
 and cleans yer horse right out from in front 
 of yer, what then ! Do yer fergit that 
 right off? N-o-o, sir ! a-a-nd if yer come 
 back to a yer A-a-lma Mater fifty years 
 afterward, yer know, and ride over to 
 Hamp, yer'll remember it just s'f 'twas
 
 FACULTY AND COURSES. 39 
 
 yisterday. A-a-and er yer know, it's 
 because it made an impression on yer, and 
 yer 'sociated every part of that ride a ta 
 a on the a-accident, y" know. Well, 
 now, gentl'mun, it's exactly the same way in 
 chemistry, yer know, this a-mm-a 'socia- 
 tion of ideas and-a this making an impres- 
 sion on yer minds. 
 
 Now-a, can someone tell me quick a- 
 mm-a-a what's a the result if you pour 
 water on a phosph'rus (???) quick ! ! (And 
 the recitation goes on as before.)
 
 THE SENATE AND COMPULSORY 
 CHURCH.
 
 COMPULSORY CHAPEL ATTEND- 
 ANCE. 
 
 THE tired Amherst student who recol- 
 lects the crusade in which THE STUDENT 
 embarked a year or two ago, may, when he 
 reaches this page of the "Olio," turn two 
 leaves at once and say " Rats ! " The 
 remark would apply with much force, no 
 doubt, and especially to the thing itself. 
 The unvarying grind to which we become 
 so accustomed; scuttling up the hill, a 
 complaining beefsteak within; the race on 
 the stairs as the clock begins to strike; the 
 well-worn hymn; the same old prayer; the 
 monitors stretching their necks for the 
 absent, and the sneaking student who hides 
 his Potts or psych behind his neighbor's 
 back. They are all too familiar visions. 
 
 But the most familiar and significant 
 thing of all, as we review our short term of 
 college life, is the vivid emptiness of the 
 faculty seats. Day after day these leaders 
 of the blind present a noble array of five
 
 44 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 good men and true, in representation of a 
 total thirty ! Day after day the farce is 
 repeated; the morally stimulating lacteal 
 nutriment is doled out to four hundred 
 students who must swallow it, while a mere 
 committee of the faculty attend to see the 
 dose administered. The only variety is an 
 occasional communication from the ath- 
 letic moguls, said communication being 
 limited to five minutes in length, a " Library 
 Talk," unlimited, or the perennial dog with 
 the handkerchief on his tail. 
 
 The attitude of our faculty on the subject 
 is a fine illustration of the good old sopho- 
 more debate question : "Is the hope of 
 reward a greater incentive to activity than 
 the fear of punishment ? " Indeed, we 
 doubt that many, even of the most regular, 
 attendants on chapel exercise have any idea 
 to what extent the teachers, impelled to 
 be present only by the hope of laying 
 up treasure in heaven, cut the morning 
 prayers. . . The view which every unprej- 
 udiced man will take is, no doubt, this : 
 Our faculty look upon compulsory chapel 
 as a convenience, a means of gathering the 
 students together; a time for the reading of 
 prayer-meeting and recitation notices, and
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 45 
 
 possibly, to young men, a season of good 
 influence; they consider personal example 
 and attendance unnecessary; they come 
 when they choose, they stay away because 
 they may; and when we are free from the 
 burden of extra work on account of extra 
 absence, we will do the same. 
 
 A LIGHT VERSE DOXOLOGY. 
 
 FIENDS around us, 
 
 Fiends below, 
 All intent on 
 
 Bringing woe ; 
 Fiends on this earth 
 
 Do their work, 
 At compulsa- 
 
 Tory church. 
 Fill the kicker's 
 
 Mind with sin, 
 So that hell can 
 
 Take him in. 
 Thus God's house is 
 
 Blindly run, 
 So the devil's 
 
 Work is done.
 
 46 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 SATIRES OF AMHERST. 
 
 BOOK I. SATIRE I. 
 
 AWAKE, my Muse, get out thy sounding 
 
 lyre, 
 And strike the chords that in our hearts 
 
 inspire 
 The sense to know what's right and what is 
 
 wrong; 
 
 Tune up, O Muse, and let's begin the song. 
 The evils which beset our paths are few, 
 Can be endured, excepting one or two; 
 But ye, immortal gods, who drain the cup 
 Of nectar, and upon ambrosia sup, 
 These evils are the kind that make men 
 
 weep 
 And tear their hair and long for endless 
 
 sleep, 
 
 On Martinique's fair isle, where kindly rays 
 From glistening Sol the ripe bananas raise, 
 (Steady, my Muse, such puns are not 
 
 allowed; 
 Such low-born sporting frets your spirit 
 
 proud), 
 
 Within the cluster, tempting to the eye 
 The serpent fer de lance doth lurking lie;
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 47 
 
 His yellow coils by luscious fruit con- 
 cealed 
 
 Are in no way unto the eye revealed. 
 
 But there he waits, the dreadful fer de 
 lance, 
 
 And let some hungry passer-by by chance . 
 
 Reach forth his hand a sudden hiss a 
 cry 
 
 A swiftly darting tongue a gleaming 
 eye 
 
 And 'neath the tree there lies the passer- 
 by. 
 
 "And why this story?" some of you may 
 
 say. 
 
 Give heed then while I tell you, if I may. 
 The ripe banana bunch doth represent 
 This seat of learning, where each year are 
 
 sent 
 To cull its choicest fruits, a band of 
 
 youth 
 A chosen band who search for higher 
 
 truth, 
 
 But Satan, like the hideous fer de lance, 
 Abideth here, and lurking waits his chance. 
 Religion here compulsory is made, 
 And thus the plot for Beelzebub is laid. 
 For worship to man's inner soul pertains;
 
 48 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 If made compulsory it nothing gains, 
 But loses all, and its own end defeats 
 When with imperatives man's soul it meets. 
 Love wells spontaneous from the human 
 
 heart, 
 And " must " and " shall " therein have not 
 
 a part. 
 But to return this chosen band of 
 
 youth 
 These earnest seekers after higher 
 
 truth- 
 Set out to church, some filled with notions 
 
 good, 
 And some coerced by fear of Swampy's 
 
 rod. 
 
 And here the devil plays a winning hand, 
 For, like the snake in Martinique's fair 
 
 land, 
 
 He fastens on the youths whose souls rebel 
 Against compulsory religion fell; 
 And some escape and some go do down 
 
 to well ; 
 
 Our simile is ended; now we'll cease. 
 Go home, dear Muse, and rest and take thy 
 
 ease.
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 49 
 
 THE SNAKE EDITOR'S DREAM. 
 
 IT was one warm spring day of sopho- 
 more year, one of those days which take a 
 man away from his lessons and carry him 
 back to the time when he was young and 
 sinless, and had yet to serve his time in 
 preparatory school and college. I was 
 leaning back in my chair with a half-smoked 
 cigarette in my teeth, and the blue coils of 
 smoke with their strange fantastic shapes 
 brought before my mind free and happy 
 boyhood days, where compulsory church 
 and Tip Ty were alike unknown, and where 
 the Westminster Shorter Catechism was 
 my only trial. Such thoughts were so hazy 
 and so indistinct that I rested my head 
 wearily against the wall and wept at the 
 changes which time had wrought. 
 
 As I leaned there in despair a film seemed 
 to come over my eyes, even such a film as 
 Paine's Celery Compound is guaranteed to 
 remove. The cigarette suddenly assumed 
 such colossal proportions that my cowed 
 and beaten spirit drew back in terror 
 against the wall. Then it began slowly to
 
 50 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 change. Little by little arms, legs, and 
 a tail appeared, and in a moment there 
 stood before me a nicotine representative 
 of the devil. At last the truth burst upon 
 me. I was dreaming ! For weeks and 
 months I had striven to dream. I had 
 eaten pickles and green fruit and washed 
 them down with the vilest of lager in the 
 vain hope that I might dream something 
 for the "Olio," but my toils had all been 
 in vain. I had even boarded at Merrick's 
 to accomplish my purpose, but it was of no 
 avail. And now, at last, when I had almost 
 given up the struggle, success had come. 
 I could scarcely conceal my joy. I felt 
 like grasping the specter by the hand and 
 thanking him for his welcome visit, when 
 he interrupted my joyful thoughts with 
 a solemn beckoning. Without uttering a 
 word I followed him. Soon we came to 
 the bank of a surging stream, where a for- 
 bidding-looking fisherman with dark hair 
 and beard was standing in his skiff ready 
 to ferry us across. When my companion 
 with the nicotine visage addressed him as 
 Mr. Charon, my heart leaped with joy. 
 Ha ! ha ! This was even better than I had 
 anticipated. I was going to visit the devil.
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 51 
 
 I would get a chance to interview him; to 
 interview him for the "Olio"! In a short 
 time we landed on the other bank and a 
 mighty wind lifted us and bore us away. 
 In time this wind carried us against a dark 
 mountain, and before the wand of my 
 strange guide the sides of the mountain 
 opened and disclosed a wondrous country. 
 
 In silence I followed my companion, who 
 walked briskly up to a brazen gate, dropped 
 an obol in the slot, and a three-headed dog 
 came forth wagging his tail with a sicken- 
 ing irregular motion that showed an utter 
 lack of team work. Nimbly we sprang in. 
 I had hardly entered when I tripped over 
 the tail of an imp whom I afterward found 
 to be quarter-back on the All-Hell football 
 team. As I picked myself up and spit the 
 brimstone out of my mouth, I said in broken 
 tones to my companion : ' ' Well, this is hell. " 
 "Of course," he replied; "you ought to 
 have known that from Cerby." Amid the 
 shrieks and groans of millions of people I 
 was borne away to meet " His Satanic Tail- 
 ship." "What have we here?" shouted 
 the devil. "A student, most respectful 
 joblots," humbly responded my guide. "A 
 student ! What does he want ? " asked the 
 5
 
 52 AMHERST LIFE, 
 
 devil. "Is he dreaming ? " " He is, Most 
 Potent Wearer of the Crooked Hoof," 
 again replied my companion. "Ha! ha! 
 He dreams, does he ? Answer me, young 
 man, answer me truly, are you intending to 
 write up this dream for publication ? " For 
 a moment my courage forsook me. For a 
 moment I hovered between the right and 
 wrong, but only fora moment; then my train- 
 ing in swearing off cuts got in its fine work, 
 and I promptly answered "No." This satis- 
 fied the devil and he told me to step aside. 
 Hardly had I vacated my place when 
 Beelzebub, with the rest of the football 
 team, came in with a new corpse. As soon 
 as he had got within hearing distance, 
 Beelzebub shouted out at the top of his 
 voice: "A college professor!" The devil 
 actually went wild. He wrapped his cloven 
 hoof around his neck three times in a long, 
 loving embrace. Then he jumped down 
 from his throne and began to prepare the 
 skillet. "Throw him in!" he yelled. 
 "Roast him! Extract his fourth root! 
 Cut off the cologarithm of his cosine ! 
 Season him with Jebbs and Potts! Grab 
 his femur, Beelzy, and run down the Mid- 
 way with it. Ha ! ha ! ha ! This is fruit !
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 53 
 
 This is regular cantaloupe ! " His frenzy 
 was awful. Great beads of brimstone stood 
 upon his brow, and his tail described un- 
 plotable parabolic curves. 
 
 I hated to tarry in proximity to such a 
 demon, yet I disliked to leave without 
 securing my interview. As soon as the 
 devil had recovered from his first wild 
 paroxysms I plucked him by the sleeve. 
 "Say, Satan, old girl, do you believe in 
 compulsory church ? " 
 
 "Believe in it!" he howled. "Believe 
 in it! Why, young man, it's the only sys- 
 tem. Who wants to abolish it but cranks 
 and fools ? I'll have nothing left by and 
 by. They've done away with the fagot 
 and the stocks, and they've succeeded in 
 abolishing slavery, but I've got the saloon 
 and compulsory church left, and I defy 
 them to knock out either of them. Away 
 with this opponent of compulsory church ! 
 Away with him, Cigarette ! " My companion 
 grabbed me by the leg. His hand burned 
 like fire, and I awoke to find my cigarette 
 complacently burning a hole in my only 
 pair of trousers. 
 
 [Let no Joseph endeavor to interpret this 
 dream.]
 
 54 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 HISTORY OF THE SENATE TO 1887. 
 
 SINCE the days of the renowned Dr. 
 Thomas Arnold of Rugby, student self- 
 government has been the Utopian dream of 
 college presidents, of whom none more than 
 President Seelye of Amherst saw the desir- 
 ability of the system, and none sooner than 
 he sought to put it into execution. About 
 five years ago this cherished idea took 
 definite form, when the body now known as 
 the "Amherst College Senate" was organ- 
 ized, upon the same general plan which 
 determines its existence to-day. 
 
 At first, the senate was of little or no 
 use. It being an experiment, the presi- 
 dent's policy was very conservative. He 
 gave it no defined powers; he reserved the 
 right to introduce all business; he retained 
 the power of absolute veto. But little 
 business was transacted. The usual pro- 
 ceedings were a speech from the President, 
 congratulating himself and the senators 
 that the present affairs of the college were 
 in such an excellent condition as to require 
 no legislation or adjudication, followed
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 55 
 
 by adjournment. When any business was 
 transacted, it was of such slight significance 
 that it never reached the ear of the student 
 body politic. The result of this tentative 
 policy of the president was to bring the sen- 
 ate into disrepute. If spoken of at all, it was 
 spoken of with a sneer or a jest. Itwascalled 
 "a farce," or "a cat's paw of the faculty," 
 or some similar contemptuous epithet. 
 
 After three years of such existence, a 
 sentiment was formed in college that the 
 senate was of no use to the students, how- 
 ever valuable it might be to the faculty and 
 the college president; that the senate must 
 do something, or do away with the pretense 
 of self-government. 
 
 In this crisis a constitution of defined 
 power was demanded of the president. He 
 was not disposed to grant it. He desired 
 the constitution to form like the English 
 constitution by the precedence of its acts. 
 The senators preferred the United States 
 plan, thinking it better adapted to the cir- 
 cumstances. At length a constitution was 
 obtained. It did not embody all that the 
 senators desired, but it was, at least, a step 
 out of non-existence into existence. How- 
 ever few and limited the powers obtained,
 
 56 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 they were at least defined, and not subject 
 to variance by circumstance and arbitrary 
 will. The senate revived, became a much 
 more respected body, and entered on a 
 career that may end in usefulness. But it 
 is still a weakly institution. It has scarcely 
 enough power to give it a sufficient vitality 
 to live, much less to make itself felt in the 
 regulation of college affairs. It may have 
 all the power which at present can be given 
 it judiciously; but to say that it is a realiza- 
 tion of the idea of student self-government, 
 is to speak absurdly. What the senate 
 needs is a greater latitude of jurisdiction, 
 as well as more definiteness of power. 
 
 THE SENATE'S WITHDRAWAL. 
 
 THE dispute between the senate and the 
 faculty which resulted in the withdrawal of 
 the senators by the students in 1894 brought 
 out in all the student publications of the 
 college many articles and communications; 
 all of which were of interest, and many of 
 them wittily written. Most of these, how- 
 ever, dealt more or less in personalities and 
 would be out of place in any but a regular
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 57 
 
 publication of the college. The following 
 communication to the Student sums up, 
 without details, one view from an alumnus: 
 " It is fortunate that the present discus- 
 sion between the faculty and the senate of 
 Amherst college has been made public. 
 We now have before us the several com- 
 munications that have passed between the 
 two bodies. Both the faculty and the 
 senate agree upon the circumstances in- 
 volved and the punishment given. A dif- 
 ference of opinion exists as to what body 
 ought to have decreed the penalty. . . 
 After all, it is the welfare of Amherst col- 
 lege that both faculty and senate must keep 
 in mind. Co-operation of the two bodies is 
 the key to their successful work. If the 
 senate did have a cause of grievance against 
 the faculty, it ought to have been stated on 
 other than purely technical grounds. At 
 the same time, this does not excuse the 
 faculty from not entertaining more favor- 
 ably the senate's request. . . The Amherst 
 senate is already famous within college 
 halls, and for the students to demand or 
 even think of its discontinuance is both 
 hasty and unwise. The senate should hold 
 a most important position in the Amherst
 
 58 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 idea of self-government. It should be 
 respected by both faculty and students." 
 
 THE SENATE'S POSITION. 
 From an Almunus Address at Springfield. 
 
 THE cutting system and the senate are 
 but milestones along the course of giving 
 the students a larger liberty. The student 
 is on his honor as a gentleman, and may do 
 anything under the sun consistent with that 
 character. The idea is to make the student 
 not only the governed but the governor. 
 The old students thought it meant to break 
 the rules, but given a part in the govern- 
 ment they were bound to respect the laws 
 which they themselves had made. The 
 result was the decline and fall of hazing and 
 the almost complete extinction of rowdy- 
 ism. . . Amherst, that dear old College, 
 so modest in all her pretensions, has shown 
 to the world the possibility and the proba- 
 bility of a self-governing college community. 
 Many colleges have followed her example. 
 Shall that example now fail in the hour of 
 its birth ? Shall all that is unique and 
 original in the system be swept away ? I 
 hope not. I express the confidence of the
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 59 
 
 alumni in the common sense and wisdom of 
 the senate and faculty to preserve the sys- 
 tem, although for years the senate has been 
 the legitimate prey of the Olio, the target 
 for the shaft of adverse criticism by some 
 students, and cherish the hope that the 
 senate will stand as long as Amherst college 
 stands, the queen of the hills "on the banks 
 of the old freshman." 
 
 From the Report of the Senior Class. 
 
 THE acts of the faculty reduce the senate 
 from the position of a governing body co- 
 ordinate with the faculty, and acting in a 
 sphere different in kind from that of the 
 faculty, to a subordinate position having 
 such a share in the government of the col- 
 lege as the faculty may see fit to give. 
 Such a subjection of the senate is incon- 
 sistent with its independent action. We 
 believe in the Amherst system as it really 
 is, but the subordination of the contract 
 relation and of the senate has undermined 
 that system. Responsibility for student 
 conduct is lifted from the students them- 
 selves, where the Amherst system placed it, 
 and assumed, in part at least, by the faculty,
 
 60 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 who stand once more in loco parentis to the 
 students. 
 
 It remains, then, for the students to 
 decide if they will acquiesce in the estab- 
 lishment of a new Amherst system and 
 give it their support. Our unanimous 
 opinion is that it would not be for the best 
 interests of the college to do so. The 
 senate is not an end in itself; it exists only 
 as a means for securing good student gov- 
 ernment, and however much it may have 
 contributed to Amherst's reputation in the 
 past, it should be maintained only so long 
 as it is useful for good student government. 
 We believe that the senate system which 
 would be established by this precedent 
 would be of little usefulness as a governing 
 body and would not secure the respect and 
 co-operation of the students. The question 
 is one which concerns the entire body of 
 undergraduates and should be decided by 
 them.
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH, 6 1 
 
 A NEW "IN LOCO PARENTIS" IDEA. 
 
 THERE is a young maid of Amherst, 
 My grandfather went with her first, 
 
 Soon after my pater, 
 
 And now I myself later, 
 Will have her if worst comes to worst. 
 
 DEDICATION OF THE '89 OLIO. 
 
 As the greatest orator of his age has so 
 well and fitly spoken (if we may be per- 
 mitted to borrow from the store of his elo- 
 quence), 
 
 We would dedicate this production to 
 Cromwell; but Cromwell was only a soldier. 
 We would dedicate it to Napoleon; but Na- 
 poleon made his way to empire over broken 
 oaths and through a sea of blood. We would 
 dedicate it to the Father of his country; 
 but the great Virginian held slaves. 
 
 Therefore we dedicate it to the most per- 
 fect of all human organizations, 
 
 OUR COLLEGE SENATE, 
 
 For it never does anything at all.
 
 62 AMHERST LIFE, 
 
 THE MAIDEN AND HER FRIEND. 
 ( With no especial reference to anybody?) 
 
 ONCE on a time there lived a maid, 
 
 A maid with noble fame; 
 
 Who dwelt within old Amherst's walls, 
 And she was a beaut., I can tell you, and 
 everybody was dead stuck on her shape, 
 and FREEDOM was her name. 
 
 Now FREEDOM had a trusty friend 
 At least she thought him true 
 But subsequent proceedings seemed 
 To prove pretty conclusively to FREEDOM, 
 
 anyway, that you can't most always tell 
 
 just what a friend will do. 
 
 For when her friend found out that she 
 Could easily be bossed, 
 He took her business for his own, 
 And- pretty soon FREEDOM began to get 
 onto the fact that her fame, name, and 
 everything else was most completely 
 lost.
 
 SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 63 
 
 She found her power all was gone, 
 
 Her blessings at an end; 
 
 And when she came to figure up, 
 She allowed that if anybody was responsi- 
 ble for her loss of dignity and honor, it 
 was probably that same old friend. 
 
 Now, you may read between the lines, 
 
 And think you read it well; 
 
 But you must do it for yourselves, 
 And you needn't think we're going to get 
 ourselves into trouble by explaining the 
 meaning of this poem, for we aren't; 
 we're too cooney, and we don't intend 
 to tell.
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES.
 
 A MATIN IDYL. 
 
 WHEN the shades of night are fading, 
 And the day begins to dawn, 
 
 When rests the tired student, 
 With lessons weary and worn, 
 
 Then comes upon the morning air 
 
 A hideous pealing knell, 
 And, with a curse, the student mutters, 
 
 "It is the chapel bell." 
 
 Then he rises wearily from bed, 
 And hastes his clothes to don; 
 
 And ever, as he dresses, 
 The cursed bell rings on. 
 
 Soon he seizes book and pencil, 
 
 Hat and overcoat as well, 
 And waltzes off to breakfast, 
 
 To the tune of the chapel bell. 
 
 Scarce the doughty steak is tasted, 
 Scarce the coffee, sad to tell,
 
 68 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 When, with hasty stroke, "Four minutes 
 
 more," 
 Peals out the chapel bell. 
 
 Out of the house he rushes, 
 
 With wild and frantic gait, 
 But three rapid strokes from the tower cry 
 out, 
 
 "Too late, old man, too late ! " 
 
 He slowly turns around and says, 
 
 " What a luckless dog I am." 
 And then in sad despairing tone, 
 
 " It is the seventeenth, oh ! " 
 
 UBI SUNT, O POCULA! 
 
 No more is heard the joke and song 
 Which did the midnight hours prolong; 
 No more doth fragrant steam arise 
 From ham and eggs or chicken pies; 
 No more we quaff our lemonade 
 And wink at Kate the waiter maid; 
 No more we hang up heavy scores, 
 Since Frank Wood closed to us his doors.
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 69 
 
 THE ANNUAL PICTURE RUSH. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 IT is a beautiful October day. The light 
 is perfect for fixing the beauties of Walker 
 hall and the faces of Amherst's latest 
 accessions on the plate of Pach's camera. 
 
 Promptly at 2.45 p. M. the sinuous oper- 
 ator ambles to the spot, sets his tripod, 
 limbers his camera, and casts a professional 
 but contemptous glance at the motley crowd 
 on the steps. Some weak attempts at 
 grouping have been made, but the artist's 
 practiced eye quickly notes faults. He is 
 hampered in his re-arrangement by ignor- 
 ance of names. A good-natured shout 
 greets him, as in mild and trade-beseeching 
 accents he asks, " Will that gentleman with 
 the intelligent-looking face please come 
 forward ? " The youth referred to blush- 
 ingly advances, while the sickly smiles of a 
 few show that they acknowledge the grind 
 on the rest of the class. " Will that very 
 young-looking gentleman sit next the man 
 who is trying to raise a mustache ? " brings 
 two startled freshmen into prominence.
 
 7 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 The group is completed, and the camera 
 set up. At this juncture a few canes and 
 brush-sticks are stealthily produced from 
 behind some of the stouter men, and 
 accorded prominent places. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Meanwhile a different scene is occurring 
 in the French room. It is nearly time to 
 dismiss the prize division. The com- 
 motion of the odious atmosphere made 
 by the vigorous applause at an unusually 
 daring recitation leads someone to open 
 the window. The freshmen and their 
 canes catch his eye. He shouts to the 
 division, who raise the class yell, and bolt 
 without listening to the announcement of 
 " Ten lines in advance." 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 At the chapel a moment's stop is made, 
 and a hurried consultation ensues. Run- 
 ners are dispatched to the various tennis 
 courts, and then the main body moves rap- 
 idly toward Walker hall. The freshmen 
 sit motionless, for the operator is about to 
 lift the cap ; but how they wish he would 
 hurry, and let them stir ! But he too has
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 71 
 
 seen the advancing mob, and, overcome 
 by terror, quickly takes the advice of a 
 thoughtful sophomore, and removes his 
 apparatus from the cyclone's path. 
 
 The sophs break for the center of the 
 group, and the half-dazed freshmen begin 
 to make a few attempts at defense. The 
 more cool and careful step inside the build- 
 ing, deliberately take off coats and hats, and 
 return to the fray; the more impetuous 
 hand their hats to some of the juniors who 
 have begun to gather, and sail in. 
 
 Who can describe a lively rush ? There is 
 the pushing, breathless mass in the center, 
 from which some of the stronger and more 
 ambitious are slinging off men, one by one, 
 in their own efforts to get at the cane; the 
 struggling victims in the middle, who would 
 give millions for a free breath; the wounded 
 on the ground; and on the outskirts the 
 squads of more heated partisans, who are 
 anxious to settle the matter by a single 
 knock-down encounter. All must be seen 
 to be appreciated. 
 
 Are the whole class engaged ? Oh, no ! 
 a few stand hesitant on the steps, wonder- 
 ing if such a struggle can come under Doc's 
 definition of self-defense, or whether it
 
 72 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 would break that contract, and end their col- 
 lege career should they indulge. 
 
 The sophomores get the cane, break it up, 
 and the recipients start off with their tro- 
 phies, pursued by the gamy freshmen. 
 One is downed; and the fight begins again, 
 but is short lived. Another cane appears, 
 and the contestants surge toward the gym. 
 
 Thence a well-known figure emerges, 
 bearing those symbols of authority, the 
 black book and the fez. Doc scornfully 
 looks on until the din subsides, then brings 
 the book down vigorously on his palm. A 
 sharp crack is heard, and a shrill voice 
 pierces the air, "Young gentlemen, dis- 
 perse to your rooms ! Juniors, that applies 
 to you as well ! " The ringing laugh that 
 follows brings another burst of ire ; and 
 with " I am not a constable, but you had 
 better move on, or take the consequences," 
 the kindly doctor loses breath, and retires. 
 The classes, preferring movement to the 
 consequences, separate, and glide away. 
 
 The sophs have exchanged hats, books, 
 and raiment for glory and inch fragments of 
 a twenty-five cent cane ; and the freshmen 
 depart in a battered condition without a 
 picture.
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 73 
 
 And where is Pach ? His manly feelings 
 have been outraged. His dignity has 
 suffered the severest insult of all his experi- 
 ence with numerous college classes; but, as 
 his instruments are unhurt, he bottles his 
 wrath, folds up his tent like the Arab, and 
 as silently steals to the train for New York. 
 
 THE PLUGGER. 
 
 WHO sits from morn till late at night 
 
 His eye upon the page, 
 And squanders youth and social grace 
 
 To gain in knowledge age ? 
 
 The plugger. 
 
 Who stands so pale before his class 
 
 And pulls a glorious four, 
 And when exams, send havoc round 
 
 Is first to leave the floor ? 
 
 The plugger. 
 
 Who prides himself upon a key 
 Which points to brain alone, 
 
 And, culture's pygmy, mounts at last 
 The learned commencement throne ?- 
 The plugger.
 
 74 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 Who makes for life and all its joys 
 
 A mere existence do, 
 And leaves the world no heritage ? 
 
 'Tis sad to tell, but true 
 
 The plugger. 
 
 MINISTERING ANGELS. 
 
 THERE are at least five toilers connected 
 with this noble institution whose value is 
 grossly underestimated. I refer to the five 
 daughters of Erin, whose duty it is to effect 
 the weekly sweeping of the dormitories. 
 They are no common drudges; the study of 
 their methods is an inspiring lesson on the 
 amount of interest and even attraction that 
 can be found in the meanest toil merely by 
 absorbing mind and heart in the work. 
 The quantity of ingenuity they display in 
 the apparently simple process of sweeping 
 would do to invent a flying machine. 
 
 I will back this statement by proof. For 
 example: They invade a room that is ap- 
 parently spotless, make a few passes with a 
 broom, and behold a bushel and a half of 
 dirt! Where they get it I cannot tell. 
 Unless we accuse them of familiarity with
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES, 75 
 
 the black art, we must admit either that 
 they brought it with them, or that it was 
 there before. In either case their genius is 
 quite bewildering. 
 
 Further illustrations: Having collected 
 said quantity of dirt, they scatter part of if 
 on your desk, a larger part in little fuzzy 
 rolls about the floor, and deposit the rest 
 behind the piano. The top of the piano, 
 by the way, they make a repository for 
 umbrellas, overshoes, base ball bats, and 
 other equally appropriate articles. They 
 marshall your rugs in battalion line from 
 your door to nowhere. They arrange the 
 Japanese screen so that it will hide the 
 bookshelves instead of the set-bowl, and 
 they never fail to swap your desk chair for 
 your chum's. 
 
 These inspiring creatures not only put 
 thought into their work, but take keen 
 delight in it, as may be seen from the 
 following. 
 
 If you like to keep your slippers in the 
 waste basket, where they'll be handy, the 
 women dump them out with the paper, and 
 hurry old Charlie downstairs with them. 
 They do this so that you will have to spend 
 the rest of the morning in sub-chapel,
 
 76 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 rooting through seventeen old rubbish 
 barrels. 
 
 In your bedroom they show a fertility of 
 resource that leaves Odysseus a simpleton 
 in comparison. They pile all the clothes 
 they can find on a single chair, and then 
 put something heavy on top of them, so as 
 to muss them as much as possible. They 
 drop your razor strop over behind the 
 bureau, or somewhere where they think you 
 won't find it. They hide one shoe in the 
 bed clothes, and throw the other as far 
 under the bed as the wall will permit, so 
 that you will have to get down on your 
 stomach, and wave madly after it with your 
 cane, and swear. 
 
 When they get through with your floor, 
 if they find out that you are studying and 
 want quiet, they detail one of their number 
 to stand at the head of the stairs and slide 
 the brooms, dust pans, mops, etc., down 
 one by one, to the bottom. They do this 
 with great glee, for they know it will make 
 you think things you'll be sorry for after- 
 ward. 
 
 Sometimes they scrub the hall floor. 
 This is a good deal of work, but they like 
 to do it, for they have discovered an odor-
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 77 
 
 iferous washing-powder that discounts any 
 laboratory on the market. It delights them 
 to think that the sickening taint will linger 
 about the halls for a week. 
 
 I have just mounted those three weary 
 climbs (what bungling idiot ever named, 
 them flights ?) of stairs, and have seen two 
 of these calico-vested fairies sitting on the 
 steps and flirting with old Professor Charlie. 
 Innocents ! May they be forgiven! As for 
 us may the saints preserve us! 
 
 TO THE PHARISEE. 
 
 IN our quiet modest way, 
 
 To you we'd like to say 
 That your trick of smiling broadly in the 
 class, 
 
 When others make mistakes, 
 
 Or some very harmless breaks, 
 Makes you like unto a most consummate ass. 
 
 And the way you shake your head, 
 
 When anything is said 
 That does not suit your own precise idea, 
 
 When so very oft repeated, 
 
 Makes one think you quite conceited,
 
 78 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 At least, 'tis so to me it does appear. 
 We do not doubt your knowledge, 
 You're the pride of all the College, 
 But this very fault has won you many a 
 
 foe; 
 
 So if you less will do it, 
 Or, still better, quite eschew it, 
 You'll do much to gratify 
 
 THE OLIO. 
 
 THE AMHERST FIRE DEPART- 
 MENT. 
 
 THE small muckers finally succeeded in 
 rousing up the different members of the fire 
 brigade, and they gathered slowly about 
 the post-office steps. After talking for a 
 short time in subdued tones, one of the 
 older and more intrepid members mustered 
 courage to inquire, "Where is it?" No 
 one appeared to know, and finally two or 
 three of the more active and headstrong of 
 the brigade, in spite of the solemn warn- 
 ings of their elders not to precipitate 
 matters, started to walk up to college hill 
 in order to get a view of the surrounding 
 country, and, possibly, to discover the
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 79 
 
 whereabouts of the fire, since there seemed 
 to be no way of avoiding the conclusion 
 that there really was a fire somewhere. 
 They were spared this trouble, however, 
 by meeting a small boy, who told them 
 the fire was at South Amherst, and they 
 returned to the expectant group at the 
 post-office. 
 
 After mature deliberation to decide 
 whether the aforesaid S. B.'s witness should 
 be admitted or not, it was voted by a small 
 majority to get out the engine, and several 
 started for the engine house. After mov- 
 ing a wagon, three ladders, and a worn-out 
 hose carriage, they got the doors open. 
 Here they found that someone had stored 
 a score or two of empty barrels and several 
 dozen dry-goods boxes in front of the 
 engine, but the boys were getting excited 
 now, and in twenty minutes these were all 
 removed and the engine drawn out. 
 
 Then ensued a violent discussion as to 
 whether they should draw it by hand or use 
 horses. The advocates of horse-power 
 finally prevailed, and two pairs were sent 
 for. On their arrival, however, it was de- 
 cided that one pair was sufficient, and the 
 second pair was sent back.
 
 8o AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 The next difficulty was as to how they 
 should ride, but, at last, having disposed of 
 themselves on various parts of the machine, 
 they started off amid the cheers of the 
 muckers and the admiring gaze of the town 
 ferns. Suddenly came a halt. Several 
 members of the department were seen to 
 hold a somewhat hurried consultation. 
 There followed a few moments of suspense. 
 Then it became noised about among the 
 anxious throng who were watching their 
 movements, that the department had for- 
 gotten their rubber overcoats. 
 
 The excitement was getting tremendous 
 now, and it did not take long to decide that 
 they must have their coats, and to send 
 the ever ready muckers after them. The 
 coats were brought and donned. Then 
 they started again, the town maidens keep- 
 ing a little way ahead on the sidewalk and 
 looking back with mingled awe and venera- 
 tion on the advancing cavalcade. 
 
 On reaching the foot of college hill, it 
 was decided that all four horses were none 
 too many, and the second pair was sent 
 for. After an extra trip to get splices for 
 the reins, these were attached to the first 
 pair, and again the procession moved on.
 
 AM H ERST TYPES AND SCENES. 8 1 
 
 When at length the summit of college 
 hill was reached and they actually caught 
 sight of the flames, they gave a yell, in 
 comparison with which the Eighty-four howl 
 became a melodious undertone, and tore 
 down the hill at a marvelous rate of speed. 
 One of the horses gave out on reaching 
 freshman river, but was quickly rolled out 
 of the way and they dashed madly on. 
 
 At length the scene of desolation was 
 reached, but they were too late the fire 
 was out, and after going into the neighbor- 
 ing houses to get warm, they returned home 
 to receive the well-earned plaudits of their 
 fellow-citizens. 
 
 It would seem as if the glory thus acquired 
 were sufficient for ordinary mortals, but our 
 gallant fire brigade were soon to add new 
 luster to the crown already won. 
 
 It was a calm Sabbath evening, and not a 
 sound disturbed the sacred stillness of the 
 hour, when again there rang out upon the 
 startled air of the cry of fire. The firemen, 
 ever on the alert, gathered in hot haste. 
 They could see all too plainly the bright 
 tongues of flame sweeping upward in the 
 northern skies, until they reached the stars 
 and fired the whole heavens.
 
 82 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 Would they get there in time ? Well, 
 they were making desperate efforts and 
 would probably have succeeded in reaching 
 the place, had they not become discouraged 
 when a worthy farmer informed them that 
 they were running to put out the northern 
 lights. 
 
 One more exploit which capped the cli- 
 max of their renown and we will close the 
 thrilling recital. 
 
 It was the wild midnight. The tame mid- 
 night watchman was off watch and had gone 
 to bed some time before. The town was 
 sleeping quietly, all unconscious of the fact 
 that the wide devastating fire fiend was 
 doing his disastrous work near by. Hap- 
 pily, one of the gallant sons of Vulcan was 
 awake. Through a rift in the clouds which 
 hung over the Pelham mountains he caught 
 sight of the malignant glow of fire, which 
 grew brighter and brighter as he gazed. 
 Pausing only for an instant, he darted 
 down the stairs and sped through the streets, 
 raising the terror-fraught cry of Fire. 
 
 The brave firemen responded with their 
 wonted alacrity. The engine was manned 
 and they started on their way, looking 
 defiantly toward the rapidly increasing
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 83 
 
 light, when the moon, from above a bank of 
 clouds, at last shone full upon them with a 
 serene smile, which seemed to say, "Put 
 me out if you can," and the story of their 
 heroic daring is complete. 
 
 A MEDITATIVE STUDENT. 
 
 A SOLILOQUY. 
 
 MY thoughts are so profound that their 
 
 profundity is immeasurable, 
 My mystic meditations deal with themes 
 
 obscure and terrible, 
 I think and then I meditate, then meditate 
 
 and think, 
 And then I tell whome'er I meet how much 
 
 I love to think. 
 
 I think about myself, and me, and then of 
 
 I, and ego ; 
 Again about myself, and then about how 
 
 much I know. 
 I know it all, and even just a little else 
 
 beside ; 
 And with my knowledge and my thoughts, 
 
 I'm wholly satisfied. 
 7
 
 84 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 Yes, yes, I'm very proud of what I say, and 
 
 think, and know, 
 And am, and feel, and hear, and see, and 
 
 read and learn ; but oh ! 
 This world's too small for me I fain would 
 
 soar away, 
 And tell the men on Mars how much I know 
 
 and think and say. 
 
 At length, if I but keep at work, and think 
 
 hard all the time, 
 I'll have it all thought up; and then, how 
 
 odd and how sublime, 
 To never rest, but keep at work as hard as 
 
 e'er I can, 
 And go, and what I have thought up, un- 
 
 think it all again ! 
 
 THE SPORT'S OFF-DAY. 
 
 " DON'T talk to me," he said, " I've got 
 a bad one." It was needless to ask what 
 his vague statement meant, for he would 
 have called himself the victim of a bad 
 "grouch." His more scrupulous room- 
 mate might have called it a mood, or the
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 85 
 
 blues, but it all amounted to the same 
 thing. And when I respected his wish and 
 held my peace, he began to speak in a sort 
 of aggressive way, as if daring me to con- 
 tradict him. 
 
 " I don't see what it all amounts to," he 
 said to me, and I knew that more was to 
 follow. " I'm not accomplishing anything. 
 I'm not doing anybody else any good, and I 
 doubt very much if I am profiting by it 
 myself. I am repeating the prodigal son's 
 follies in a way of my own. I'm wasting 
 my father's substance in riotous living. 
 My very mode of life is a systematic and 
 continued deception of the people at home. 
 If I were what my father thought I was I 
 wouldn't be able to put my hat on, and if I 
 fulfilled my mother's expectations nothing 
 short of a halo would do for me. My kid- 
 brother idolizes me, and his one ambition is 
 to be some day the man that he imagines I 
 am now. And she," here he pointed to a 
 photograph on his desk, "she writes that 
 she envies my future, for she knows that 
 my ambition will raise me high above men 
 some day." He stopped speaking, and for 
 a long minute the clock ticks and the crack- 
 ling of the flames were all that broke the
 
 86 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 silence. Then he began again. "Yes, I'm 
 deceiving them all shamelessly, but if I 
 told them, it would break their hearts, 
 and if I should change without telling 
 them, they couldn't believe in me any more 
 implicitly than they do now. Two more 
 years in college, lots of time to straighten 
 up in, and I'm having a good time. Call 
 it wild oats if you want. What do I care ? " 
 From quiet regret his voice rose to loud de- 
 fiance. "Keep your sermons for someone 
 else. I'm going out to-night to eat, drink, 
 and be merry. Don't stay up for me, 
 Tommy." 
 
 His room-mate said that it was three 
 o'clock when he came in with thick utter- 
 ance and unsteady step. The law of com- 
 pensation had demanded its right, and after 
 his unwonted soberness he had taken pains 
 to lose his sobriety. And the next morn- 
 ing he met me with the old "devil-may- 
 care " expression, which announced, better 
 than words, that earnestness had once 
 more yielded to carelessness.
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 87 
 
 BEFORE THE FREE DELIVERY. 
 
 THE room is not at all prepossessing in 
 appearance. Its bare wooden floor, only 
 a foot above the sidewalk, is invariably 
 soiled with slush, mud, or dust, according 
 to the season of the year. The very door 
 which one encounters on entering is old 
 and dingy and battered, one side being dis- 
 figured by a couple of flaps which look like 
 ill-conceived patches for protection of the 
 holes beneath them. The walls are cov- 
 ered by a motley collection of signs and 
 notices, which only serve to intensify the 
 general air of disregard for ornament or 
 cleanliness. A fly-specked clock adorns 
 one corner, and though this once must 
 have had no mean pretensions to respecta- 
 bility, it now has fallen into the sadly di- 
 lapidated style which pervades the whole 
 place. Not a chair or a bench has ever 
 gained footing within its bare and homely 
 precincts. The view from its spacious 
 windows includes only the roadway, the 
 town pump, and a few brick buildings. 
 Yet there are hours during the day when
 
 88 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 this unpretentious nay, even disagreeable 
 apartment is crowded with an eager, ex- 
 pectant gathering. 
 
 The explanation of their patient, con- 
 stant attendance is easy. For all interest 
 centers about a V-shaped structure which 
 projects well into the room from the rear 
 toward the door, lined with a series of little 
 cells which lend to the whole the appear- 
 ance of a vast honeycomb. The tiny com- 
 partments are systematically numbered and 
 each apparently has its own proprietor. 
 About these the swarm of busy bees 
 hovers, each bent on his own cell, finally 
 turning away content with a white budget 
 from it, or slowly making off without booty, 
 showing by his very bearing disappoint- 
 ment that the genius within has not seen 
 fit to reward his devotions. 
 
 Some rarely go away without at least one 
 of these mysterious white billets, while 
 some come for days at a time without 
 receiving any prize at all. But a careful 
 observer could see that they who oftenest 
 deposit tribute in a slot at the apex of the 
 V are most frequently the ones to receive 
 like tokens. Not seldom the color is lav- 
 ender, or blue, or pink, these same tints
 
 AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 89 
 
 imparting added value, while those of yel- 
 low or bronze exterior are treated with 
 contempt and often cast aside without 
 examination. 
 
 Such is this most popular room and such 
 are the proceedings within it. Doubtless 
 the reader has already recognized it. If 
 not, he may see some points of resemblance 
 when at the next mail hour he betakes him- 
 self to the Amherst post-office. 
 
 THE CONVENTS. 
 
 Two convents in a college town, 
 Whose fair, sweet nuns, discreet, 
 
 March in two dainty throngs each day 
 Through the elm-shaded street. 
 
 Though guarded by a Saint Bernard 
 
 And by a gallant knight, 
 Naught of their beauty can be bound: 
 
 It flashes as the light. 
 
 Though only from afar can we 
 
 Behold, admire, adore, 
 Our gracious kindly patron saints 
 
 Be they forevermore!
 
 90 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 Fair, gentle saints, inspiring hope, 
 
 How they do edify! 
 Sweet incense on our shrine we burn 
 
 To their divinity!
 
 AMHERST REVERIES.
 
 IN AMHERST TOWN. 
 
 IN Amherst town the blue skies beam 
 On many a bright and hopeful dream 
 Of youth, which knows no doubt, no fear, 
 And thinks of friends and friendships near; 
 And trusts that men are all they seem. 
 
 So this is youth, and youth's bright dream. 
 It somehow has a brightened gleam 
 From off the shining sunbeams clear, 
 In Amherst town. 
 
 And yet a day will come I deem 
 When brightness all away will stream ; 
 And all the world so dark and drear, 
 And men so strange; that then I'll hear 
 They crave again that sunny dream 
 In Amherst Town. 
 
 93
 
 94 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 FOUR LIVES. 
 
 FROM THE JUNIOR POINT OF VIEW. 
 
 STROLLING down the College highway; with 
 
 its many ferns and flowers, 
 Chanced I on four people, trudging on 
 
 through all the weary hours. 
 Each seemed different from the others, 
 
 each a different story told, 
 Which I heard as I was passing, and in 
 memory still do hold. 
 
 SENIOR. 
 First I met a saddened spinster, old in 
 
 years; and worn, and thin, 
 With a tear-stained face and wrinkled, 
 
 pitted with the marks of sin. 
 She had gone through life, for nothing, 
 
 bearing scanty wreaths away, 
 And I shunned the aged vixen, with her 
 
 hideous hair of gray. 
 
 JUNIOR. 
 Then there came a lovely matron rounded 
 
 in the prime of life, 
 Walking on in matchless beauty, carrying 
 
 crowns from many a strife.
 
 AMHERST REVERIES. 95 
 
 When she bowed she spoke with sweetness, 
 and her breath was like the rose, 
 
 Like the skies her beauty, sunny grace, 
 compelling love from foes. 
 
 SOPHOMORE. 
 Next I met a saucy maiden with a dirty, ' 
 
 ugly face, 
 Shambling on 'mid grievous weeping, with 
 
 a walk devoid of grace. 
 She was overgrown and clumsy, with a 
 
 heathen, country air, 
 And I know not what for rudeness with 
 
 this maiden could compare. 
 
 FRESHMAN. 
 
 Last of all, a funny infant came a-toddling 
 
 down the road, 
 Stubbing 'gainst the stones and squalling in 
 
 the latest a la mode. 
 But I rather liked the fellow, with his cute 
 
 and childish ways, 
 For he had the brightest, freshest looks I'd 
 
 seen in many days. 
 
 Saw I also in the distance, other people 
 
 coming on, 
 But I stopped and did not meet them, you 
 
 may hear of them anon.
 
 96 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 In a tavern someone told me, all were Alma 
 
 Mater's kin, 
 Yet their lives were very different One 
 
 alone the prize could win. 
 
 A REVERIE FROM RHETORIC. 
 
 'TWAS on an arm in Nungy's room, 
 Inclosed by many a penciled square, 
 A hideous head with rumpled hair, 
 
 Upon an arm in Nungy's room. 
 
 Did someone draw that horrid face 
 To keep awake to meet his doom; 
 
 Or was the artist's aim to grace 
 
 That old chair arm in Nungy's room ? 
 
 Perhaps a Goethe traced each line 
 Upon that poor defenseless arm, 
 And genius' power was the charm 
 
 That could create such form divine. 
 
 Maybe we'll see a Rubens loom, 
 With heaven-sent power and master's 
 
 hand, 
 Out from the man who left his brand 
 
 On that chair arm in Nungy's room. 
 
 Whoe'er he be, where'er he dwell, 
 Who drew that frightful image there, 
 Long may he live, to have his share
 
 AMHERST REVERIES. 97 
 
 Of blessed life, and live it well. 
 
 But may some memory bring him round 
 
 Matured by this world's sun and gloom, 
 To see what ugly work I found 
 
 On that chair arm in Nungy's room. 
 
 AMHERST MISCELLANY. 
 
 To order hash or not, that is the question : 
 
 Whether 'tis better for man to suffer 
 
 The pains and terrors of outrageous hunger, 
 
 Or to take hash with all its mysteries, 
 
 And by one great gulp to end it. 
 
 To eat, perchance to dream, ay, there's the 
 
 rub! 
 
 For in that sleep what dreams may come 
 Of hair, of dogs, of cats, of puppies' tails; 
 Of shingle nails; of tin tomato-cans; 
 Of bones; of fishes' tails and fins; 
 Of skins of apples and potato-rinds. 
 The choice of hash, or nothing, puzzles the 
 
 will, 
 And makes us rather bear the hunger that 
 
 we have 
 
 Than fly to evils that we know not of. 
 Thus does this element make cowards of 
 
 us all.
 
 98 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 THE EX-SMOKER'S LAMENT. 
 
 OFT upon a midnight dreary, while I pon- 
 der, weak and weary, 
 
 Over many a long and toilsome lesson of 
 to-morrow's four, 
 
 While I'm nodding, nearly napping, sud- 
 denly there comes a tapping, 
 
 As of someone gently rapping, rapping on 
 his cuspidor. 
 
 'Tis my room-mate softly spilling ashes 
 from his pipe, for more : 
 
 Only this and nothing more. 
 
 At my desk, so slowly working, sit I, with 
 
 no thought of shirking, 
 Though my will can very little longer 
 
 'gainst this craving war. 
 How I long to do this rapping, do this soft, 
 
 this gentle tapping, 
 Filling my old pipe with 'baccy, as so oft in 
 
 days of yore. 
 Oh, these fetters that restrain me burn into 
 
 my bosom's core : 
 
 For I smoke, ah, nevermore.
 
 AM ff ERST REVERIES. 99 
 
 Ah, distinctly I remember, and the thought 
 is dear and tender, 
 
 How I loved to sit and linger over many a 
 peaceful smoke. 
 
 There I found a way to borrow freedom 
 from my every sorrow ; 
 
 For I'd learned to rout all trouble in wreath- 
 ing clouds of smoke. 
 
 Often from my dreams I waken, thinking 
 that my pledge I've broke: 
 
 But, alas, there's no such hope. 
 
 And my pipe is useless lying, all the weed 
 within it drying; 
 
 In the corner of my desk it's doomed to 
 stay for evermore ; 
 
 While I sit, so vainly trying, all these long- 
 ings in me crying 
 
 For the smoke of incense, healing to my 
 heart so sick and sore; 
 
 But my pipe from out that corner, though 
 my feelings wage fierce war, 
 Can be lifted nevermore.
 
 100 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 TO THE CONVENT GIRL. 
 
 SWEET maid, to these bleak hills allured 
 
 To drink thy fill at learning's fount; 
 Fair being, in whose soul I ween 
 
 Minerva's shrine is paramount ; 
 Do me this grace, sweet lady mine, 
 
 To give my burdened heart relief, 
 Grant me a hearing, only list 
 
 To my o'erpowering, hopeless grief. 
 
 I meet thee oft in aimless stroll 
 
 And view thy passage from afar, 
 As longingly as sage of old 
 
 E'er watched the rising of his star. 
 In concert hall I see thee oft, 
 
 And looking, lose all thought of song, 
 Or muse, or anything except 
 
 The charms that to thyself belong. 
 
 Thy presence, too, at vesper-tide 
 Enshrines the spot, and all the hour 
 
 My homage seeks thy heart alone 
 My soul is fast in Cupid's power. 
 
 Thus am I tossed with love of thee, 
 Thus has my sorrow daily grown,
 
 AMHERST REVERIES. 101 
 
 Now give, I pray thee, beauteous maid, 
 Good heed unto that heart of stone, 
 
 And see if thou hast not one glance, 
 
 One thought for me. I wait thy word 
 With anxious heart. Can'st not bestow ' 
 
 One look on me ? Hast thou not heard ? 
 Thou can'st not. Then alas for me ! 
 
 What visions now must take their flight. 
 I blame thee not, but thou hast made 
 
 Of me a most heart-broken wight. 
 
 Go on thy course toward wisdom's goal, 
 But when at last cute Cupid's bow 
 
 Shall pierce thy heart, then, then alone 
 Can'st thou my present anguish know. 
 
 OVER THE NOTCH. 
 
 OVER the Notch, 'neath forest-clad height 
 Rock-strewn, o'er-frowning his path on the 
 
 right, 
 He wends his swift way to that land of 
 
 delight, 
 
 Over the Notch.
 
 102 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 Over the Notch, where the arbutus grows, 
 Or autumn's bright red midst its pale yel- 
 low glows, 
 
 Soft breeze from the South in his face 
 gently blows, 
 
 Over the Notch. 
 
 Over the Notch, to where sweet voices call, 
 Fair faces glance coyly from window and 
 
 hall, 
 Or lure him to "Pepper-Box" best place 
 
 of all 
 
 Over the Notch. 
 
 Over the Notch, in the darkness of night, 
 The deep, sheer ravine's fearful plunge on 
 
 his right, 
 
 Slow and sadly returns he, this love- 
 stricken wight, 
 
 Over the Notch. 
 
 YE JOLLIE JUNIOR. 
 
 ALTHOUGH at ease in outward guise, 
 
 Within his fare he curses. 
 He can't forget though hard he tries, 
 
 The yawning void his purse is.
 
 AMHERST STORIES.
 
 A DIMPLED PLATONIST. 
 
 FERRAND ELIOT was reclining on his win- 
 dow seat. It was a pleasant Saturday after- 
 noon at the beginning of the fall term; here 
 and there a tree had already put on its habit 
 of red or gold, yet the afternoon was not 
 cold, and a gentle breeze fluttered the 
 silken drapery by the open window. Our 
 friend was feeling particularly happy and 
 contented this September day, although he 
 was alone, this being one of his chum's 
 regular days for worship at a certain shrine 
 of Northampton. He held in his hand a 
 sufficiently interesting story; the window 
 seat was comfortable, and it was with a 
 pleasant sense of an ownership of good 
 things that he lay back and lazily surveyed 
 the room before opening the volume. His 
 eyes wandered over the familiar things 
 the regulation sets of foils, masks, and 
 boxing-gloves, the college bric-a-brac, the 
 "Ladies' Cloak Room" and "Reserved," 
 signs of freshman year; the patriotic purple
 
 106 AMHERST LIFE, 
 
 and white banner, and several water-color 
 sketches, Ferrand's own work; the mantel 
 with its array of pipes, and a few medals 
 won at Worcester or in the heavy gym. 
 All these things his eyes surveyed with 
 an expression of great content, until they 
 came to rest upon the most charming thing 
 in the room the photograph of a young 
 girl. Then, strangely enough, the placid 
 expression changed to one of contending 
 admiration, pity, and disgust. ''Why 
 should Frank make such a fool of himself? " 
 he asked the ceiling "and for her to throw 
 herself away like that ! " Ferrand Eliot 
 was a well-born and well-bred Virginian, 
 manly, broad-shouldered, blue-eyed; a type 
 which cannot be surpassed anywhere. The 
 "sand" and skill which he exhibited on 
 the football eleven, where he played right 
 guard, together with his accurate scholar- 
 ship in the classroom, showed that his 
 muscle and the fiber of his brain were 
 equally tough. He was a man whom every- 
 one trusted. But there was a screw loose, 
 as the fellows said. 
 
 In matters of sentiment Ferrand Eliot 
 was a Platonist. He thought it not only 
 nonsense, but downright suicide, for two
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 107 
 
 young people to fall in love with each other. 
 "Why won't they be sensible?" he would 
 exclaim. "Look about and see all the 
 unhappiness lovers bring on each other and 
 the rest of the world. It could be avoided 
 so easily. What an absurdity to say that a 
 young man and a young woman cannot be 
 the closest friends, without degenerating 
 into the sickly sentimental style of inter- 
 course ! " He had lived a score of years, 
 and had known many women intimately, but 
 his platonic heart was still untouched by 
 any unplatonic passion. 
 
 On the other hand, his chum, Frank 
 Hanway, held exactly opposite views. He 
 claimed that he had always been in love, as 
 has every other man, acknowledge it or not. 
 "We all have our ideals," he would say, 
 "and sooner or later every man will find 
 attributes of his ideal centered in some 
 woman." And so, of course, they had many 
 long and amusing discussions on these 
 interesting topics. There was something 
 fascinating in Hanway's way of putting 
 things which attracted his chum, while the 
 latter's manly sincerity Frank felt to be 
 worthy of respect. Now, Hanway had 
 already found his ideal in the subject of the
 
 jo8 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 admired, pitied, and obnoxious photograph, 
 the fascinating Miss Alger of Smith college. 
 So he had lost no time in using man's priv- 
 ilege by telling Miss Alger that he had 
 always loved her, although until a fortnight 
 previous to the declaration they had been 
 utter strangers. Miss Alger, while her con- 
 fession may have been less striking, was 
 none the less in love with Frank Hanway. 
 To most of their friends it seemed a perfect 
 match. Not so to Ferrand; he could not 
 be reconciled to such an abnormal state 
 of things. Miss Alger was a pretty girl. 
 Frank was a thorough good fellow. But 
 the combination was intolerably absurd. 
 The window seat was no longer comfortable. 
 He frowned, fidgeted, and finally arose, 
 pulled on his cap, and sought the com- 
 panionship of his ''Columbia," of whose 
 platonic friendship he felt secure. But 
 why did he take the road to Northampton ? 
 At Northampton he turned to the left, 
 crossed the meadows, ferried the Con- 
 necticut at Hockanum, and followed the 
 winding river toward South Hadley. The 
 beauty of the quiet river; of the meadows 
 dotted over with white houses and tobacco 
 barns; of Northampton with it churches
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 109 
 
 and colleges like pretty mosaics set in the 
 emerald of wonderful elms; of the little 
 rifts and puffs of smoke from furnaces and 
 creeping engine's so far away, there was 
 charm enough in all this to cause Ferrand 
 to slacken his speed. Too great haste amid 
 such surrounding loveliness would have 
 been an impertinence, if not a sacrilege. 
 He had ascended the long hill which rises 
 abruptly out of the river, and turned his 
 head as he began the descent to get a last 
 glimpse of the quiet valley. 
 
 There must have been some sort of mis- 
 fit in the road, for he turned a somersault 
 in the air and several on the ground, and 
 saw stars for some moments. Among the 
 stars he perceived a straw sailor-hat, a 
 tennis-dress, and a frightened face. In due 
 time the stars retired to their proper 
 orbits, but the other articles considerately 
 stayed, to resolve themselves into a very 
 presentable young lady. 
 
 "Can I help you?" said the young 
 lady, regarding apprehensively a certain 
 part of Ferrand's head which bulged omi- 
 nously. 
 
 "Thank you, very much," he said, get- 
 ting slowly to his feet, and having sufficient
 
 HO AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 presence of mind to touch his cap. "I 
 shall do very well, I think." 
 
 "Then I may smile just a little?" she 
 asked. "I'm not ill-natured, but there is 
 such a funny side to an accident of that 
 sort!" 
 
 She stood by the roadside dimpling 
 softly, her brown hair blown backward. 
 Ferrand began to be interested. It was 
 certainly a strange manner for a young 
 girl to use toward a stranger. Yet it 
 was not familiar. In the presence of a 
 "header," according to Ferrand's experi- 
 ence, most young ladies would choose 
 to scream or faint or giggle. Here was 
 one who had promptly offered her aid, but 
 evidently had no uncalled-for sentimental 
 sympathy to deal out, even to such a good- 
 looking young gentleman as Ferrand felt 
 himself to be. To be sure there was a 
 smirch of the roadway across his face, and 
 his clothes were shockingly begrimed, but 
 even then ! He rid himself impatiently of 
 a little of the dirt, and collected his cap 
 and his bicycle before turning to say a few 
 decent phrases in his best ladies' manner. 
 She was seated further back from the road, 
 sketching quietly, with a little preoccupied
 
 AMHERST STORIES. Ill 
 
 knot in her brow and her head on one side. 
 Ferrand took off the rescued cap. 
 
 " You were very kind to try to help me, 
 and I forgive the smile," he said. It was 
 quite as unconventional a remark as hers 
 had been, he thought. She looked up at 
 him. 
 
 "I am really glad you weren't hurt 
 seriously, Mr. Ferrand Eliot," she said. 
 
 This explained the whole thing. It was 
 someone he had met and forgotten; and 
 yet Ferrand did not forget easily. 
 
 She was quick to notice the embarrassed, 
 remembering expression on his face. 
 
 " No, you needn't try. You have never 
 met me anywhere, and yet I know you quite 
 well, Mr. Ferrand Eliot," she said. 
 
 "I give it up," said Ferrand, laughing. 
 He had no doubt that this self-possessed 
 young lady would explain in her own good 
 time. In the meanwhile there was no 
 hurry. But she laid down her sketchbook. 
 
 "In the first place," she said, "you are 
 a chum of a certain Amherst man named 
 Mr. Frank Hanway, aren't you?" 
 
 "Yes," said Ferrand, "but " 
 
 "In the second place, Mr. Frank Han- 
 way is engaged, I believe they call it, to a
 
 112 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 certain Smith girl called Miss Alger, isn't 
 he?" 
 
 "Why, yes," said Ferrand, "but 
 how " 
 
 "In the third place, I am the room- 
 mate of this Miss Alger, who is engaged 
 to the man who lives with the man whose 
 name is Ferrand Eliot. Now do you 
 see ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes," cried Ferrand, " and you are 
 
 Miss " Here he stopped and thought 
 
 hopelessly. 
 
 "Ah," she said, dimpling again, "you 
 aren't so well informed about me as I am 
 about you. Allow me to introduce myself 
 in a shockingly irregular manner as Miss 
 Helen Prescott, at your service, sir." 
 With this she bowed meekly. 
 
 "Of course," said Ferrand. "How 
 stupid ! But that doesn't explain how you 
 recognized me." 
 
 "Oh, you were pointed out to me at 
 the first football game, so the mystery is 
 all gone." 
 
 "I wonder if you have your chum's in- 
 terests at heart as much as I have mine," 
 said Ferrand. "If you have, you have a 
 grudge against Frank Hanway."
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 11$ 
 
 " Yes, indeed, I have ! " she cried. " Do 
 you know, you men are a bit provoking 
 with your brag about stanchness, fidelity, 
 and all the other solid virtues which women 
 are supposed not to possess. As if women 
 couldn't be as good friends as men ! " 
 
 "I think you are right," he asserted, 
 "and I only wish all women were as sen- 
 sible as you; but what is still more pro- 
 voking to me, is the generally accepted 
 idea that a man and a woman you and I, 
 for instance can't be together and enjoy 
 each other's companionship without going 
 through the absurd process of falling in 
 love. Now, there are Frank and Miss 
 Alger but it's of no use to argue with 
 Frank," and Ferrand turned his brown 
 head impatiently. 
 
 "And Margaret is quite as obstinate," 
 said Miss Prescott gloomily. "Isn't it a 
 pity ! " This was certainly a very unusual 
 girl. She was pretty, but of course that 
 was a secondary matter, thought Ferrand. 
 It was her frankness and good sense that 
 were so attractive. He followed a sudden 
 impulse. 
 
 "Miss Prescott," he said, " what do you 
 say to our demonstrating to these beloved
 
 H4 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 idiots the strength of our position ? I like 
 you, at all events " 
 
 "And I like you, Mr. Eliot," said Helen 
 Prescott. " And here is my hand to clinch 
 the bargain. We must save those children! 
 And now, to show that you are in earnest, 
 I wish you would go away at once! The 
 other girls left me here to do some sketch- 
 ing, and it is time for them to return with 
 the carriage. I should like to have you 
 meet them, but it might be rather unpleas- 
 ant for you, looking as you do, you know 
 and we have met in such a singular way. 
 And, if. you should come to the Hubbard 
 house with Mr. Hanway some time I 
 should be very pleased to meet you." A 
 dimple and a courtesy, and Ferrand found 
 himself dismissed. 
 
 " The fact of our first meeting for con- 
 spiracy is to be kept in the dark, then," he 
 reflected, as he rode slowly toward the 
 ferry, "or is it merely a feminine tribute 
 to the goddess Grundy ? " So it happened 
 that he told Frank about the accident, with- 
 out mentioning its other than material con- 
 sequences. He felt a little guilty, but it 
 was a consolation that his guilt was shared. 
 
 It came to pass a week later that, as they
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 115 
 
 were walking down from chapel together, 
 Ferrand said : 
 
 " I suppose you are off to Hamp, as 
 usual, this evening, to see the fair one ? " 
 
 "Yes," said Frank, shrugging his 
 shoulders, and expecting to hear the usual 
 tirade about " sentimental bosh," and so 
 forth. 
 
 " Well," said Ferrand, " I think I'll come 
 with you and hear the turtledove coo, if 
 you don't mind." 
 
 Whereat Frank wondered greatly, for 
 hitherto his efforts at bringing together his 
 chum and his sweetheart had been frus- 
 trated by a true Virginian obstinacy. 
 
 That evening Ferrand was duly presented 
 to Miss Alger. 
 
 "Not so bad," thought Ferrand; "she 
 doesn't look like a maniac. But then the 
 way she looks at Frank! And they would 
 have been quite as comfortable if they 
 hadn't shaken hands for quite five minutes. ' 
 
 They had spoken the introductory com- 
 monplaces, when in came the demure Miss 
 Prescott, who expressed herself as delighted 
 to meet Mr. Eliot. But there was a stray 
 dimple for Ferrand alone when the turtle- 
 doves had drawn aside with an uncon- 
 9
 
 n6 AM H ERST LIFE. 
 
 sciously relieved expression which showed 
 that she had not forgotten their bargain. 
 
 We need not say how often during the 
 following winter Ferrand spent his evenings 
 in Northampton, nor how many letters with 
 double postage passed and repassed the 
 long bridge; there were so many things to 
 be talked over with reference to the refor- 
 mation of the lovers. So far, indeed, from 
 there being any immediate gratifying re- 
 sults in the behavior of the lovers, conse- 
 quent to the Platonic example so studiously 
 set for them, they seemed to be getting more 
 and more incurable. But everything does 
 not come to pass in a day, and the two con- 
 spirators labored on. 
 
 So senior year sped by, and the com- 
 mencement day partings drew near, and 
 the evening came when Frank and Ferrand 
 must make their last visit upon the Hub- 
 bard house piazza. Not that Frank cared 
 a whit; he was all in the future; the Hub- 
 bard house had been to him a rather 
 inconvenient place of tryst. But to Fer- 
 rand it was a melancholy time. To keep 
 alive an intellectual friendship across a con- 
 tinent is no easy matter, in spite of the 
 graphs and phones of this privileged age.
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 117 
 
 He found himself looking with envy upon 
 his chum, who was not to know the pangs 
 of intellectual separation. Frank had some 
 errands to do, and Ferrand found Miss 
 Prescott alone. They shook hands in their 
 usual business-like way. But they did not 
 succeed in being very talkative. 
 
 "I'm afraid all our efforts have been a 
 vanity, after all," she said; "we have had 
 a great deal of trouble for nothing, haven't 
 we ? " She was sitting with her back to 
 the light, and he could see her dimpled 
 cheek in profile. 
 
 "For nothing?" he said mechanically. 
 She turned slightly, so that he saw a little 
 helpless quiver of her under-lip. He rose 
 from his chair, throwing out his arm as if to 
 cast off some weight. Then he came before 
 her, raised her gently to him, and looked 
 long and lingeringly into her face. It was 
 not very long after this that the two fool- 
 ish lovers came into the room, and were 
 naturally surprised. The fellow-philoso- 
 phers looked, to tell the truth, a little 
 sheepish. 
 
 "This isn't a very good example " 
 
 began Helen. 
 
 "The simple truth of the whole matter
 
 Il8 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 is," said Ferrand, calmly but with unction, 
 " that Plato was an old fool! " 
 
 But I doubt if Plato could have withstood 
 those dimples. 
 
 LE ROY PHILLIPS, '92.
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 119 
 
 A POLITICAL DEAL. 
 
 REGINALD THOMPSON'S face was clouded 
 as he lounged on the window-seat, and even 
 the smoke-wreaths from his pipe floated 
 away with an air of dreariness. 
 
 Reginald was only a sophomore, yet he 
 was taking a farewell look at the books, the 
 pictures, and the knickknacks in his room. 
 In a short time he was to be expelled from 
 college. 
 
 A few evenings before, a freshman had 
 been suddenly seized while strolling about 
 the campus, and had been blindfolded be- 
 fore he could catch more than a glimpse of 
 his assailants. He had been led away and 
 hazed. In the midst of the fun his tormen- 
 tors were interrupted by the approach of a 
 watchman. They fled around a corner, only 
 to encounter another man. But he was 
 hurrying to catch a train and had no time 
 to trouble himself about the disturbance. 
 So the fugitives passed him without inter- 
 ference, and there was no one to tell who 
 they were unless the victim himself had 
 some idea. And, in fact, the latter had
 
 120 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 stated most positively that one of his tor- 
 mentors had been Reginald Thompson; 
 that he had not only recognized Thompson's 
 voice, but had even caught a glimpse of him. 
 The accused denied the charge in vain; only 
 his most intimate friends would believe him, 
 for he had not been in his room on that 
 evening, and no one could say where he 
 had been. 
 
 The laws of the college required that 
 hazing be punished with expulsion; but first, 
 the student must come before the college 
 senate, and without the sanction of this 
 body no action could be taken. 
 
 A meeting of the senate had therefore 
 been called by the president, but had been 
 postponed because one of the sophomore 
 members had not yet been elected. 
 
 Thompson's chum and room-mate, Wil- 
 liam MacMaster, was the president of the 
 sophomore class, and was using his influ- 
 ence to the utmost to help his friend. 
 Reginald knew this, and his face brightened 
 considerably when MacMaster burst in upon 
 his meditations on the window seat. 
 
 " Hello, Reggie ! " he cried ; " stop your 
 scowling now, old man, and cheer up, I have 
 some good news."
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 121 
 
 "Well, Bill, what is it?" asked Regi- 
 nald, with a smile that was almost gloomy. 
 
 "The election will be to-morrow and 
 Townsend is going to run for senatorship," 
 began the other as he sat down and shoved 
 both his hands into his pockets. " All of 
 our crowd, of course, will vote for him, 
 and I made a deal with the Theta Epsilons, 
 so that they will be in for him too." 
 
 "It is awfully kind of you, Bill, to take 
 so much trouble for me." 
 
 "Come now, you had better keep your 
 thanks until you are well out of this scrape. 
 I have seen all the senators and they seem 
 to be equally divided for and against you, 
 so that Townsend's election is absolutely 
 necessary." 
 
 "Who else will run for senator ?" asked 
 Reggie. 
 
 "Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you that. 
 The other side will vote for Borden." 
 
 " That's bad news. I always hated that 
 man, and I guess he was not over fond of 
 me. He is a low, mean sort of a fellow." 
 
 "Yes, I know," answered MacMaster, 
 "and he has a strong pull with the ouden's. 
 But he won't stand the ghost of a show. 
 Now I must go and canvass some more
 
 122 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 votes. So I'll see you later." And with 
 this assurance MacMaster left his friend to 
 relight his pipe. 
 
 The next day came and with it the sopho- 
 more election. The chapel was filled with 
 the members of the class, but there was not 
 the usual laughing and bluffing. The boys 
 felt the importance of the meeting. They 
 knew the effect that their votes would have 
 on Reggie's happiness, and, though he was 
 well liked, all were indignant at the hazing 
 that had been done; the sentiment of the 
 class was against it, and the boys had de- 
 cided to vote as they believed their class- 
 mate deserved. 
 
 As Bill MacMaster entered the room arm 
 in arm with Townsend, he was greeted with 
 a cheer. But he took little notice of the 
 greeting, and sat down apparently in anxious 
 thought. A little later, a short, thick-set 
 man entered the room amidst applause al- 
 most as loud as that which had greeted 
 MacMaster and Townsend. In acknowl- 
 edgement of the applause he bowed his 
 large head with its matted covering of 
 black, curly hair, and smiled with a look of 
 superiority. 
 
 It was Alvan Borden, the other candidate.
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 123 
 
 His coarse features were full of character, 
 and his small, dark eyes twinkled from 
 shaft-like depths. One could see at first 
 sight the power and ability of the man ; 
 yet it seemed ability more for the bad than 
 for the good. 
 
 Since he had thought it would be awk- 
 ward, if not indelicate, Thompson did not 
 come to the meeting. 
 
 When the room was well filled, MacMas- 
 ter arose and called the meeting to order, 
 and they proceeded to the election of the 
 senator. 
 
 Besides Townsend and Borden there was 
 one other nominee. The informal ballot 
 was collected, and showed forty-six votes 
 for Townsend, for Borden thirty-seven, 
 and a few for the third man. This result 
 made MacMaster feel assured, as he called 
 gayly for the second ballot, that Townsend 
 would be elected. But then the votes were 
 again collected, and the secretary read, 
 "Townsend has forty-seven votes, and 
 Borden fifty. Mr. Borden is elected." 
 
 This time MacMaster looked around 
 helplessly. He felt that his chum's last 
 chance was gone. He had not expected 
 defeat, and it was some time before his
 
 124 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 feelings allowed him to ask: " Is there any 
 further business ? " 
 
 The same evening the meeting of the 
 senate was held, and both Reginald and 
 the victim of the hazing appeared. 
 
 Again the freshman told the story of the 
 hazing, and accused Reginald of being one 
 of his tormentors, and again the sophomore 
 denied the charge, but acknowledged that 
 he had no proof. "Very well," said the 
 president, who presided over the meeting; 
 "if you have nothing else to say in your 
 defense, you may withdraw to the next 
 room and await the decision of the senate." 
 Reginald went out and threw himself down 
 on one of the hard wooden benches. He 
 knew too well what the decision would be, 
 for since Borden had been elected senator 
 he had given up even the faintest hope. 
 He was younger and more sensitive than 
 most of his fellows. Some men in his posi- 
 tion would have shown boastful indifference 
 which they would have mistaken for manli- 
 ness. But not so Reginald; he dreaded 
 the results and longed for some proofs of 
 his innocence. Thoughts of the disgrace 
 and of his father's disappointment jostled 
 through his brain. Why did not those who
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 125 
 
 had really done the deed acknowledge it 
 and free him from the punishment ? Then 
 his thoughts wandered to facing the de- 
 cision, but a few moments off, and he deter- 
 mined to meet it as firmly as possible. He 
 would be ashamed to show any weakness. 
 So he mustered up his courage and waited 
 patiently. It was only a few minutes later 
 that he heard the latch behind him turn, and 
 looking around he saw Borden's massive, 
 ugly head poked through the half-opened 
 door. 
 
 "The president sent me to summon the 
 culprit to reappear before the meeting," said 
 the senator jeeringly. "Will you kindly 
 follow ? " 
 
 Reginald bit his lips and followed, but 
 his resolve not to flinch was strong, and 
 he stood before the president's desk with- 
 out wavering. 
 
 Then the president said: "Reginald 
 Thompson, the senate has decided that 
 on account of your actions against the 
 freshman whom you hazed you are un- 
 worthy to be any longer a member of this 
 college. Hereafter you will attend none of 
 the recitations or exercises." 
 
 Reginald turned and was just walking
 
 126 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 toward the door when it flew open, and in 
 rushed MacMaster, followed by another 
 man. The class president was excited and 
 he evidently brought news. His eyes were 
 flashing, his cheeks were reddened with 
 running, and a smile of exultation touched 
 his lips. Then, remembering the decorum 
 proper before the president, he checked 
 himself and said, as calmly as his excite- 
 ment would allow, " Mr. President, excuse 
 my interruption; I hope that you have not 
 yet voted upon this matter, for I have 
 found a witness." 
 
 " I am very glad to hear it," replied the 
 president, "for we want all possible light. 
 What has the witness to say ? It is not too 
 late, if it is anything of importance." 
 
 The newcomer stepped forward and, 
 after a moment's hesitation, addressed the 
 president: "As I was hurrying to catch 
 a train on last Friday evening I heard the 
 watchman shouting, ' Stop those fellows ! 
 Stop them ! ' and at the same time two 
 college men ran past me at full speed. I 
 had only just time enough to catch my 
 train, so, without taking much notice of the 
 trouble, I hurried on. To-day, when I re- 
 turned from my trip, I found the whole
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 127 
 
 college talking about some hazing that had 
 been done on the evening when I left town; 
 I found that Thompson of the sophomore 
 class had been accused of being one of the 
 culprits, and that as such he was to be ex- 
 pelled from college. I asked for particu- 
 lars, and it was proved to me that the two 
 men who ran past me as I was going to my 
 train last week were the very ones who had 
 done the hazing. Reginald Thompson, 
 sir, " the last sentence was said very de- 
 liberately, "Reginald Thompson was not 
 one of these two. " 
 
 The whole room had been perfectly quiet 
 while the testimony was being given, and 
 when it was finished there was a look of 
 relief upon the faces of all, with one ex- 
 ception. The president smiled with satis- 
 faction, for he had been troubled through- 
 out the affair by the steady denial of the 
 supposed culprit; and most of the senators 
 shared his feelings, even those who had 
 voted against Thompson. Alvan Borden 
 alone did not feel the universal pleasure. 
 If one had watched him while the witness 
 had been speaking, one would have seen 
 how those deep-sunken eyes flashed with 
 hate, and how he longed to pounce like
 
 128 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 a tiger upon the witness and stop his testi- 
 mony. But no one noticed him, and when 
 the witness had finished and all eyes turned 
 toward the president, the senator's, too, 
 followed in forced composure. 
 
 Then the president, remembering his 
 duty, asked of the witness: "Since Mr. 
 Thompson was not one of the two men 
 whom you met, can you tell us who they 
 were ? " 
 
 " One of them I refuse to name," was 
 the reply, "for the punishment of the 
 other will be enough for a precedent. He 
 was Mr. Borden." 
 
 If the meeting had been surprised when 
 Reginald had been proved not guilty, it 
 was still more so at this sudden accusation 
 of the real culprit, and all looked toward 
 Borden, expecting on his part at least a 
 denial of the allegation. But they were 
 disappointed, for, with a look of dogged 
 indifference, he waited silently until the 
 president had asked: "Do you acknowl- 
 edge these things, Mr. Borden ? " 
 
 Then indeed his sullen eyes flashed in 
 their deep sockets, and, since he saw that 
 denial was useless, he answered, "I do." 
 ALFRED ROELKER, Jr., '95.
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 129 
 
 SAWYER'S HOLIDAY. 
 
 WHEN we asked Sawyer to go with us for 
 a " quiet little time " on Mountain Day he 
 refused. It is unnecessary to say that we 
 were greatly surprised. For heretofore 
 Sawyer had been the most anxious of us all 
 to go off for a celebration; it had always 
 been Sawyer who had taken the leading part 
 at such times and Sawyer had always felt 
 the worst the next day. 
 
 So when he refused and his language 
 was not uncertain we knew there must be 
 some strong reason for his decision. " Go- 
 ing somewhere else ? " asked Tomkins. 
 "No; got to stay right here in Amherst 
 all day." "Hang the money; your credit 
 is still good with me," said Badger. 
 " 'Taint money, Badge, old boy. Thanks 
 very much, no, I don't mind borrowing 
 a little more, but I have to be here fact 
 is, fellows, I am going to work all day." 
 
 To such a declaration as that from 
 Sawyer we could make no immediate reply. 
 It was as though the sun should rise over 
 Northampton some morning and pass across
 
 13 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 the heavens eastward, settling behind the 
 Pelham hills at night, in which case we 
 feel very sure language would fail to ex- 
 press our consternation. And thus we were 
 at first dumfounded at Sawyer's words. 
 
 It was natural, however, that we should 
 all try to offer some explanation for Sawyer's 
 conduct. "Crazy," said Badger. "Look- 
 ing for a three," disdainfully remarked 
 Tomkins. " Getting pious, more likely," 
 said I. "No, it isn't any of those things, 
 fellows. I'll tell you; you see, here it is 
 senior year and I have not done any work 
 since winter term sophomore year. I have 
 a lot of things to pass off, and I don't want 
 to leave them all till senior vacation they 
 might interfere with class-supper. So I'm 
 going to stay home Mountain Day and 
 get some of them up. I think there are 
 seven in all, and I guess I can nail four of 
 of them on that day." 
 
 This explanation from Sawyer we all con- 
 sidered insufficient. 
 
 "Why, I've got six myself, old man," 
 said Tomkins, "and I'm going to leave 
 them till some Sunday next term. Besides 
 it's our last Mountain Day, Jack, and we 
 ought to celebrate."
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 131 
 
 But it was all of no use, and so we went 
 without Sawyer, missing him every moment 
 of the day and half wishing we had stayed 
 at home. 
 
 And this is the way Sawyer kept Moun- 
 tain Day. 
 
 He set his alarm clock at five-thirty, so 
 that he could do his mathematics before 
 breakfast. Then during the forenoon he 
 was going to write nine essays for the 
 rhetoric department essays for which he 
 had no time when they were due. That 
 would leave the afternoon for fall term's 
 physics, and in the evening he could easily 
 read over a term's German. It all seemed 
 very easy, and I am convinced that Sawyer 
 really thought he would enjoy the day as 
 much as though he went with us. 
 
 When the alarm went off at half-past five 
 Sawyer thought of his resolutions and got 
 right up. It was an entirely new experi- 
 ence for him to do any work before break- 
 fast, but after a few unnecessary prelimi- 
 naries, which included a walk around the 
 common, he considered himself ready for 
 work. By breakfast time he had reviewed a 
 quarter of the mathematics and was tired, 
 but encouraged. After breakfast he started
 
 I3 2 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 directly for his room, but, remembering 
 that he expected a letter, he changed his 
 mind and went to the post-office. As he 
 was coming away from the office he met 
 Jones, who asked him to have a game of 
 billiards. Jones was the man who had 
 beaten him twice within a week; Sawyer 
 had been waiting for a chance to play with 
 him again, for he disliked to remember an 
 unavenged defeat from so unpopular a man 
 as Jones. But it was out of the question 
 for him to play then; so he answered, 
 " Sorry, but I am very busy to-day, Jones 
 some other time." 
 
 Jones looked rather surprised and smiled 
 a little. Sawyer recognized the weakness 
 of his excuse, and so, as Jones was turning 
 away, he ran over the situation in his own 
 mind. "The math, is practically done; I 
 can do those essays in three hours, and 
 that will leave plenty of time for the 
 German. Besides, I've studied three 
 hours already this morning and am tired. 
 I guess a little recreation will clear up my 
 head I don't want to get sick studying." 
 So he called to Jones and said he did have 
 time, after all. This seemed more satis- 
 factory to Jones, and so they went up to
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 133 
 
 the hotel. The result of it was that Jones 
 won the first two games, and only by the 
 most careful kind of play did Sawyer get 
 the next three. When they had finished it 
 was eleven o'clock, and Sawyer hurried to 
 his room to begin on the rhetoric. At his 
 room he found the morning paper and he 
 smoked a p.ipe over that, saying to himself, 
 "A fellow can't afford to get behind on the 
 questions of the day especially just before 
 election." 
 
 By dinner time he had written one of 
 those nine essays, and had decided the 
 theme of another one. He and Wilkins 
 were the only ones at dinner, everyone 
 else was observing the day. 
 
 "What 've you been doing this morning, 
 Sawyer ? haven't seen you at all," said 
 Wilkins. 
 
 "No, I've been working ever since five 
 o'clock this morning; I'm tired as the 
 deuce, too. I never knew before how much 
 a fellow could do in a day; I've practically 
 made up a term's math, and a term's 
 rhetoric." 
 
 "Oh, yes; when a fellow applies himself 
 he can do a lot of work in a few hours. 
 Going away this afternoon ?"
 
 134 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 " No; going to finish up the day as I've 
 begun it." 
 
 After dinner Sawyer went directly to his 
 room and filled his pipe. He reviewed the 
 situation again: "I 'can finish the essays 
 in another hour, and get the German out 
 before supper. Then what will I do this 
 evening ? Oh ! yes, physics. That will 
 take fully two hours. Guess I ought to 
 have a little nap can work better after it." 
 
 So he got onto the window-seat and took 
 a nap which lasted till after three. He was 
 wakened by a rap at the door which proved 
 to be by a boy with a special delivery letter. 
 The letter bore the postmark Northampton, 
 and was as follows : 
 
 " MY DEAR MR. SAWYER : 
 
 " My roommate was agreeably surprised 
 this noon to receive a telegram from her 
 friend Mr. Blewes of Yale, saying that he 
 would call this afternoon. As it is impos- 
 sible for us to get a team, we are going to 
 have a little tea this afternoon about five, 
 and we want you to make the fourth one. 
 You can readily see that the tea will be a 
 complete failure without you for three is a 
 very ugly number. So please come if you
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 135 
 
 don't I'll never I expect you without 
 
 fail. 
 
 " As ever, most cordially yours, 
 
 " GRACE TALMADGE. 
 "Smith College, Thursday noon." 
 
 Of course Sawyer's first thought was to 
 go over. Then he remembered that he had 
 a little work to do, and the result was a 
 burst of profanity which was by no means 
 mild. But it was far from natural that any- 
 thing should stand in Sawyer's way when 
 this particular young lady was concerned. 
 And he reasoned it all out this way : " I've 
 done the math, and rhetoric; there was 
 really only one thing I didn't understand in 
 that physics, and I can get that up after I 
 get back to-night. It will be easy to bluff 
 the German. So I have already done prac- 
 tically everything I had planned for to-day. 
 Besides, my head aches and I feel a little 
 feverish staying in doors too much, I 
 guess. That is a mighty pleasant note 
 from Grace er from Miss Talmadge, I 
 mean. I'll have to drive over, won't I ? 
 Wonder if I'd better take up some flowers 
 very informally; white roses I guess no, 
 pink; those go better with her complexion.
 
 136 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 It's lucky I stayed home to-day. Glad I 
 did all my work this forenoon it pays not 
 to put things off." 
 
 As he was thinking the situation over to 
 himself in this way he had already begun to 
 dress, meantime whistling the classic which 
 tells of O'Grady's swimming abilities. 
 
 Sawyer's toilet was unusually elaborate 
 that afternoon, but in due course of time he 
 might have been seen going toward the 
 livery stable. Although it was Mountain 
 Day he was able to get a team, by means of 
 which one hour later he was in Northamp- 
 ton. The walk up Elm Street was not as 
 interesting as usual, because there were 
 fewer maidens to watch him from behind 
 half-opened shutters or partly drawn cur- 
 tains. But the end in view made the walk 
 even under these depressing conditions far 
 from unpleasant. They were waiting for 
 him and She was radiant. The chaperon 
 was not bad the best thing about her 
 (so Sawyer thought) was that she was 
 called out soon after he arrived and that 
 she came back only in time to say good- 
 night, two hours later. Of course they 
 were all glad he came; Blewes and the 
 roommate because now Miss Talmadge
 
 AM ff ERST STORIES. 137 
 
 would not be in their way, and Miss Tal- 
 madge herself because she was no longer 
 an odd one. She told Sawyer how she had 
 worried lest he should not come, and how 
 awfully provoking it would have been ; 
 all of which Sawyer considered personal. 
 Then he told her how he had worked all 
 day long from five o'clock till the time he 
 received her note, a little after four, and 
 how he had hurried to get over in time; all 
 of which Miss Talmadge said was awfully 
 hard luck. Then Sawyer went on to say 
 that he was glad it was senior year, as he 
 was getting very tired with all the work he 
 had on hand, and he was anxious to get 
 into business. And Miss Talmadge agreed 
 that he looked tired and that doubtless a 
 change would do him a great deal of good. 
 Blewes and the roommate seemed to be 
 very well acquainted, and for the most part 
 they confined their conversation to them- 
 selves. The time went very swiftly because 
 pleasantly, until Sawyer heard the clock 
 strike six. Then he made a movement to 
 go, saying that he had some work for the 
 evening, but the girls would not listen to 
 such an excuse. After that Sawyer told 
 her that he and some friends were going to
 
 I3 8 AMHERST LIFE. 
 
 give a german in a few weeks and he would 
 like to have her attend. Of course she 
 blushed and thanked him, saying that he 
 was very kind, and that if he was sure he 
 wanted her she thought perhaps she could 
 arrange it. And Sawyer said of course she 
 was the one he wanted and that he should 
 have absolutely no pleasure if she did not 
 go. So she promised and they shook hands 
 on it, prolonging the handshake a few 
 moments till Blewes turned to ask Sawyer 
 about Amherst's football team. 
 
 But at last it was time to go, as Blewes 
 had to catch a train. Sawyer told the 
 chaperon (who had come in a little while 
 before) that they had missed her greatly, 
 and that they were sorry she had been 
 called away. Then he reminded Miss Tal- 
 madge of her promise and they said good- 
 night all around. Sawyer and Blewes 
 walked down town together and parted by 
 the post-office. Sawyer felt too well 
 satisfied with the world in general and with 
 himself and Miss Talmadge in particular to 
 go home and to work again. He reasoned 
 that after such a jolly time as he had just 
 been having a little celebration was neces- 
 sary. So he hunted up some of the boys
 
 AMHERST STORIES. 139 
 
 (it was not a difficult task, for he knew 
 where to search for them) and the evening 
 passed very quickly. It was twelve instead 
 of eight o'clock when Sawyer got to his 
 room. By that time he had forgotten all 
 about the work he had planned, and so he 
 went to bed. 
 
 The next day Sawyer asked us if we had 
 a good time. We said that of course we 
 did. Whereat he replied, "I'm mighty 
 sorry I couldn't be with you, boys, but still 
 I'm glad I stayed at home, for you see I 
 made up practically four conditions, and 
 now I'm sure of my diploma." 
 
 And ever since that day Sawyer has borne 
 witness to the theory that the only condi- 
 tion necessary to the accomplishment of 
 hard work is conscientious application. 
 
 CHAS. AMOS ANDREWS, '95.
 
 THIS BOOK WAS MADE BY 
 
 FREDERICK H. HITCHCOCK 
 NEW YORK
 
 A 000 620 045 5