LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. GIFT OF ) Class OF THE UNIVERSITY Of ff{L*L/0vcL Laconics BY HANFORD LENNOX gORDON OF THE UNIVERSITY OF Published by THE SALEM PRESS COMPANY SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS, 1910 GIFT COPYRIGHT Entered in the office of the Librarian of Congress, Wash. ington, P.O., in the year 1910 by Hanford Lennox Gordon. PREFACE. From boyhood I have made a practice of keeping notes of such of my thoughts and laconic expres- sions as I deemed worth preserving. Out of the mass I have now sifted and arranged the contents of this volume. There are few thoughts in this book that have not been expressed by others in some form. I have aimed to condense and "boil down." "Though old the thought and oft expressed, Tis his at last who says it best." Lowell. I have quoted often perhaps too freely from my " Indian Legends and Other Poems." Los ANGELES, CAL JANUARY 1, 1910. HANJ^FORD LENNOX GORDON. 204783 LACONICS Abuse. Our appetites are for use, not for abuse. Everything has its use and its abuse. Acknowledgment. If you have done a wrong thing, do a manly thing acknowledge it. Adversity. Only in adversity do we come to know ourselves. Adversity leads the wise to prosperity. The winds of adversity blow egotism out of us. Adversity only threshes out the cheat and chaff; the wheat remains. In adversity calm ; in prosperity calm. They that sow in adversity may reap in prosperity. The courage of the brave grows in adversity. In prosperity beware of your friends; in adversity they will beware of you. Advice. Be careful whom you advise, lest he pursue the adviser instead of the advice. All can give advice ; few profit by it. Seek advice rather than praise. It is easy to give advice after it is done. You give us a bucketful of advice; take a drop yourself. Nobody charges for advice but the lawyer and the doctor ; and the less you buy of them the better. Don't feed advice to a fool: he can't digest it. Affliction. Strength is born in the silence of affliction. A proud man, like a generous vine, runs wild and fruitless, unless propped by wisdom and pruned by affliction. LACONICS The gem is polished by friction, man by affliction. The crushed rose gives the sweetest perfume. The bitters of affliction are a good tonic. After. It is easy to give advice, after the event. Any doctor can. tell what ails you after you are dead. After-thought. He has a head chock full of after- thought. After-thought was found floating in the pond ten days after. Age. That man never grows old who keeps youth in his heart. That man is already too old who has lost confi- dence in himself. Ahead. Hope, ahead; regret, behind. Look ahead or you will fall behind. Put your face to the wind, and go ahead. Aim. Take aim or you will waste your ammunition. Air airs. Fresh air, free from care, a walk in the sun, and a little fun, are better than pills for you, my son. Don't put on airs, you will only air your littleness. All. One thing is a part of all things. If we knew everything of one thing, we would know everything of all things. Alms. The best alms you can give a "hobo" is work. Ambition. Ambition is the germ of noble deeds. The politician is like a dog in a wheel. Amend. If you would amend men, begin with your- self, and stay with it. LACONICS Amusements. Innocent amusements are blessings. Amusement is as necessary to man as labor. Unstring the bow or else the bow will break. No man is wise who is not all his life, betimes, a boy. Anarchy. Anarchy was born in Hell. Where Grex is Rex God help the helpless land. The hundred-headed monster Cerberus. Mothered of hell and father of all fiends. See Liberty run mad and Anarchy, Bearing the torch, the dagger and the bomb, Red-mouthed run riot in her sacred name : Men lapse to savagery and turn to beasts. Hell-broth hag-boiled. Maelstrom of madness, lazar-howled, hag-shrilled, Discord, demented, flaps her ruffled wings, And shrieks delirium to her screeching brood Men. A rattlesnake bit an anarchist's hide ; It was the rattlesnake, not the man, that died. An anarchist ! Drive ten-penny nails in his coffin and clinch 'em. Mad Murder raves and Horror holds her hell. Men. ****Men murder-mad Slay for the love of murder. Government by the multitude is anarchy. In time of anarchy a dictator is a savior. Republics breed luxury and poverty and end in anarchy. Ancestry ancestors. The further back you trace your ancestors the nearer you get to the brutes. He has degenerated through a long pedigree from noble brutes. LACONICS The noblest line in Europe runs back to a robber. My forefather was Adam. The son of an illustrious man stands in the shadow of a great name. Praise your illustrious ancestors less and imitate them more. The family tree of nobility is like a potato-top, its roots bear all the fruit. After all, birth is much. "Do we gather figs from thistles?" From a noble breed a noble steed. From good seed a good breed. The virtues of our ancestors are good but virtues of own are better. Our ancestors were fine fellows, but they fought like Kilkenny cats. I am more deserving than any of my ancestors and most of them were hanged. Here is a little man strutting over the bones of his ancestors turn 'im out in the pasture; the feed is short and the cows need him. "I can't boasht avme ancestors," said Pat to the English lord, "but I kin boasht av me posterity fer Biddy an' me hez twinty wan av 'em." If you take pride in your ancestors read back to the tadpole. Angel. A man may act like an angel and think like the devil. Anger. Anger begets anger. Furious rage is for beasts, not for men. Life is too short for revenge. The wise man's anger is like fire from a flint a flash and no more. Anger is the last argument of a fool. LACONICS Never go to bed angry. You had better sit up all night. An angry man "stirreth up strife," and wounds himself. An angry man is like one who attempts to quench a fire with kerosine. There is an anger that is just the anger of truth betrayed. Anger is the match that kindles a fire that burns a city. Anticipation. Anticipation is sweeter than enjoy- ment. Why add the burden of tomorrow to the shoulders of to-day? Look ahead or you will fall behind. He anticipates in dreams and dines on a crust. Antiquity. How many fetters we willingly wear because they were forged by our forefathers ! Go back to antiquity to the chimpanzee and the gorilla. If you take pride in your ancestry read back to the cave-dwellers. Anxiety. Anxiety is the canker of life. Reasonable apprehension is safer than too confi- dent security. No shoulders are broad enough to carry the anxie- ties of to-morrow on top of the burdens of to-day. Don't borrow trouble of to-morrow. Aphorism apothegm. Aphorisms are distilled thoughts. Proverbs are the gold dust of ages. Diamonds from the drift of ages. LACONICS Applause. Vox Populi, vox Stultorum. It is better to deserve applause, than to receive it. The applause of fools is dispraise. When men applaud you, ask yourself what you have done. If you hanker for applause go to the newspapers and buy it it's cheap. Apple. You shake the tree in vain: the apples are gathered. Don't club the tree after the apples have fallen. Architecture. In a cottage let use be preferred to beauty, in a mansion let use and beauty be com- bined. The architecture of a nation is an index of its civiliza- tion. Architecture is art. It is a long way from the wigwam to the Congres- sional Library. Ardor. He is a strong man who in a long struggle can hold his ardor to the end. Warm up, but don't get hot. Ardor is good, but boiling water will scald. Argument. Be calm in argument. Anger makes even truth a fault. The more noise the less reason. The truth can always be told in a few words. Winnow the wheat from the chaff. A clear statement is half the argument. The last argument of a fool is anger. Hear the demagogues, With brazen foreheads full of empty noise, Out-bellow the bulls of Bashan. Men. LACONICS It is hard arguing against hunger. An Irish argument the shillalah. The point of his argument is so fine that it requires a microscope to discover it. A strong argument a "big stick." The argument of the orthodox is based on faith ; shut your eyes and take it. Aristocrary. Princes and parasites compose mankind ; The herd are parasites of parasites. God never made two men exactly equal ; A few men are born lords and many, underlings. The mindless herd are but the cunning's tools; For ages have the learned of the schools Furnished pack-saddles for the backs of fools. The Reign of Reason. Armor. Let virtue be your helmet and your shield, And Truth your weapon weapon sharp and strong And deadly to all error and all wrong. Armed, cap-a-pie, with God's almighty truth. Arrogance. None so arrogant as the beggar sud- denly rich. Ignorance and arrogance are twins. Art artist. Artless art is the highest art. What cometh from the heart goes to the heart; What comes from effort only, is but tame. Look not for faultless men or faultless art ; Small faults are ever virtue's parasites: As in a picture shadows show the lights, So human foibles show the human heart. Poetry. LACONICS Nature the only perfect artist is: Who studies nature may approach her skill; Perfection hers, but never can be his, Though her sweet voice his very marrow thrill: The finest works of art are Nature's shadows still. Poetry. He thinks himself an artist he is only a fourth cousin to Nature. Reveal art, but conceal the labor "Ars est celare artem." Aspiration. See Man the picture of perpetual want; Give him the gold of Ophir, still he delves ; Give him the land, and he demands the sea; Give him the earth he reaches for the stars. Men. Is there no higher aim than cent pro cent ? Are all our holier aspirations spent? Most preachers preach from aspiration, not from inspiration. He thought he was inspired, so he howled and perspired. None but an ass will bray. "Hurry, for I have a horse to shoe," said the black- smith to the cobbler mending his shoe; "And I have an ass to shoe," said the cobbler. An ass is known by his bray. The bray of a jackass is music to the whole herd of asses. The ass deserves his load. A lion never wears the ears of an ass. You bray me an ass ? am I your brother ? To a man, reason; to an ass, a "big stick." An ass looks wise to an ass. He was brought up on ass-milk. LACONICS A sorry ass is better than no horse. The mob likes the bray of an ass. Association. "All alone" is better than bad com- pany. Men catch their manners, like the measles, from the company they keep. Two brave men pullingi together are a four-horse team. Association develops men. It is idle to declaim against great corporations: civilization, the well-fare of the human race, de- mand them; they have come to stay. Atheism. If miracles will convince the atheist, let him look about. All God's works are miracles. Lo in the midst we stand ; we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. Miracles? Yes, God performs miracles by the immutable laws of nature. Atom. No atom lost and not one atom gained, Though fire to vapor melt the adamant Or feldspar fall in drops of summer rain. Beyond. The Universe is made of atoms; moments are the atoms of eternity. The earth is but a grain of sand, An atom in a shoreless sea; A million worlds lie in God's hand, Yea, myriad millions! What are we? Fame. 10 LACONICS Audacity. Audacity often wins where merit fails. Temper audacity with reason. Audacity and a fool started for the North Pole in a ballon some years ago, and they haven't reported yet. Authority. Men always worshipped the rising sun. "Give unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar," but if it belongs to you, keep it yourself. Power is authority. "You have no authority to arrest me," said a green- horn to a New York policeman. "I hain't, sor? shmell av me stick," replied the "cop." B Babble. Care little for the babble of Babylon, but care for what Truth can say. Let the babbler babble. Babies. All the Anarchist is fit for is to raise hell and babies. The "deadly sin" is to bring into the world a child mentally, morally or physically tainted by hered- ity. Quality not quantity breed children as a wise breeder breeds horses, cattle and pigs, and our prisons and asylums would soon be empty. Back. He turns his back on the enemy and slashes the wind with his sword. Don't turn your back on the truth, and always face a lie. Backward. Don't be backward in coming forward in your own cause. LACONICS 11 A man cannot stand still; he must go forward or backward. He is never backward in coming forward when the dinner-bell rings. It is sometimes necessary to take a step backward to get a foothold. Evolution never goes backward. Bad. Nothing so bad as it seems. Take the most of the best and least of the bad. Nothing so bad that there is no good in it. Bait. It is rare to find a fish that will bite a bare hook. A golden hook needs no bait. There is a bait for every fish. A bullhead will take the bait that a trout will shy at. Have your hook always baited; gudgeons are plenty in every pond. Bare barefoot. If you are barefoot look well to your path. Bard. Better be a good blacksmith than a driveling bard. Bark. Let the little dogs bark: did you ever hear the moon bark back at the cur ? It ain't the curs thet bark thet bite; But curs kin start a dog-fight. War with Japan. Bashful. Don't be bashful, it don't pay. Among the "Four Hundred" a bashful man is a standing joke. Bear. Bear and forbear, I counsel thee; Forgive and be forgiven; 12 LACONICS For charity is the golden key That opens the gate of heaven. If you kick 'em you will discover the difference between a bear and a skunk. Beauty. Beauty needs no letters of introduction. No blemish, no beauty: Beauty intoxicates a woman and makes a fool of a man. The most beautiful thing is Truth. Beauty without virtue is a rose with a bad smell. Beauty A beautiful soul in a beautiful body. What good is beauty to the blind ? Beer. The more beer the less bread. Before beforehand. Look before or you will fall behind. Every old hat is full of regret. Beg beggar. The highest price you can pay for any- thing is to beg for it. It is a sin against charity to give to every beggar. Bid the beggar come to-morrow; give to the needy now. Beginning. Begin well and then keep at it. It is easier to begin than to finish. Better begin at the bottom and work up, than begin at the top and work down. In the beginning a bucket of water will put out a fire and save a whole city. Few men know when to begin and when to stop. The beginnings of great things are little things. Behind. When you are behind, look before; When you are before, look behind. Look ahead or you will fall behind. LACONICS 13 Hope, ahead; regret, behind. On the wrong road the faster you go the farther you fall behind. Behind time. If you are behind time you can't catch the "Limited" by running. The wise man is never behind time. Better five minutes ahead than five seconds behind. Belief. "I dinna ken which end o' 'im to believe," said a Scotchman of a dog that wagged his tail and growled. Blind belief, what is it but superstition ? We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know, because they have never deceived us. Benevolence. I relish the dinner I give to a hungry man. I never gave a poor boy a nickel that it didn't do me more good than it did him. Best. The best thing a bad man does is his last. If a man is ignorant of what he is, how can he know what is good for him? If you can't have the best, make the best of what you have. Take the most of the best and the least of the bad. Nothing so bad but there is some good in it. Betray. When a base man means to betray you, he will be your best friend. There is an anger that is just, the anger of truth betrayed. Betray? nay, better to die. We betray ourselves oftener than others betray us. Better. Better a skillful blacksmith than a driveling poetaster. 14 LACONICS Better go fishing than do nothing. Better fight than lie down and be run over. Better a poor bone than no bone. Beware. Better beware of the snare look a leetle out, und don't put yer fut in it till it goes off already. If he speaks too fair, beware, beware. Beware of the man you have forgiven; he will never forgive you. Beware of the man who blows a big mouth and a brass band for the "dear people." He is a self- seeking demagogue and would betray Christ for fifteen pieces of silver. Beyond. The worm that crawls from out the sun- touched sand, What knows he of the huge, round, rolling Earth ? Yet more than thou, of all the vast Beyond, Or ever wilt. Content thee: let it be. Know only this there is a power unknown Master of life and builder of the worlds. Beyond. Bible. The traditions and superstitions of a people are the Bible of that people. Bigotry. Bigotry is blind in one eye and near-sighted in the other. Ignorance is ever bigoted. A bigot and a mule are twin brothers ; but the mule is the better man. "Big Stick" An Irish policeman. A strong argument, a "big stick." Big things. It is not profitable to run afar after big things and neglect the little things that lie thick around you. LACONICS 15 Bird. An old bird is ware of a little boy with a gun. It is only a "dodo" that runs twice into the same net after chaff. Bitterness bitter. Weak men chew the cud of bitter- ness; strong men eschew it. Without a taste of the bitter we have little relish for the sweet. Blame. In every quarrel both sides are to blame. It don't take two to have a quarrel; a man can quarrel with himself, and nine times out of ten he ought to. Blather. Blather and brains don't lodge in the same cockloft. That shyster has more blather than Blackstone; If he had more Coke in his cocoanut he would froth less. Blemish. No blemish, no beauty. Blind. Who takes a blind man for a guide ? Blind courage is dangerous. We are blind with our eyes wide open. What good is beauty to the blind. Blood. Mother England, Mother England, through the ages blood will tell, From the spears that baffled Caesar to the field where Symons fell; And from rugged Gael and Saxon, brawny Norsk and stalwart Danes, Still the blood of Bruce and Cromwell ' tingles in our Yankee veins. Mother England. Blood will tell even in a Hottentot. 16 LACONICS Blood-hound. Blood-hounds behind and the devil before. A blood-hound is a harmless pup if he has his nose full of red pepper. Blossom blossomed. The blossom withers when the fruit appears. He blossomed out in the newspapers. Blunder. Youth is full of blunders that old age regrets. The mistakes of a wise man aremore instructive than the blunders of a fool. The man that never made a blunder lacks education. Blush. He blushes like a Hottentot. Blush ? man, he blushes all over his anatomy. Boast boaster. Never boast of what you will do till you have done it. Boaster the man who makes roosters lay eggs. Boat. Fair boats that flutter in the sun your sails, Piping anon to gay and tented shores, Sweet music and low laughter, it is well Ye hug the haven when the tempest roars; For only stalwart ships of oak or steel May dare the deep and breast the billowy sea, When sweeps the thunder-voiced, dark hurricane, And the mad ocean shakes his shaggy mane, And roars through all his grim and vast immensity. Poetry. You are in the boat and the devil is at the helm. Sink or swim, I am in the same boat with you. Paddle your own canoe, my boy, but remember it is only a mis-step between birch-bark and a big drink. LACONICS 17 Body. The body will rest if the mind will let it. Take good care of thebody it's your work-machine Boldness. All gates open to the bold. Be bold, but don't butt your head against a stone wall. Bone. What is bred in the bone will stay there. How hard it is for mortals to unlearn Beliefs bred in the marrow of their bones! The Reign of Reason. Bones. Go Crack Earth's bones and heave the granite hills. I've got it in my bones; I thought it was inspiration, but I "guess" it is rumytics. Books. The best thoughts of the best minds of the Ages are embalmed in books. Good books are the best counsellors. A book that inspires no thought in the reader is not worth reading. Give me good books, baked potatoes and a log- cabin and I will be content. A book that is not worth reading twice is not worth reading at all. A good book is good company. There be books and books and books and not one in a hundred is worth reading. If books are books, buy 'em by the cord. Borrow. Who borrows money borrows trouble. Who pays with honor borrows with ease. Many are ready to lend to a man who has no need to borrow. Borrow trouble and pay double. 18 LACONICS Borrowing borrower. Who loans much to a friend loses a friend. Don't borrow trouble, you have enough of your own. Boston. Boston is no longer boss- town. Boston is no longer the "Hub," it's only the tail- board. Bottom. Begin at the bottom and climb to the top. We sink or swim, as we deserve: the most of us go to the bottom. Boy. The boy is the father of the man. He that is a boy at fifty Was never very wise or thrifty. At sixty play with the boys ; at eighty play with the girls. I wish I war a little boy A little boy agin, Full of frolic and the colic, Full of soda-pop and sin. Bronco Bill. Brains. Brain and brawn make a giant indeed. You can give a man advice, but you can't give him brains to profit by it. Brains don't grow on bushes; they often grow under a straw hat. A big brain and a big belly sometimes go together, but it is Nature's mistake. Brass brazen. He was born in Brassland and bred in Brazen College. Is this the golden age or the age of gold ? The Muses whisper "'Tis the age of brass." Poetry. Brass glitters; gold glimmers. He is as brazen as a brass-kettle. LACONICS 19 Brave bravery. A brave leader makes brave men. Be brave, but don't be brazen. There are several degrees Farenheit between brav- ery and bravado. It don't cost much to get brave in the newspapers. Bread. Seven cities strove for Homer's bones, 'tis said, Through which the living Homer begged for bread. Poetry. Here mouths without bread, there bread without mouths. The less beer the more bread. "Jim Hill is a robber," said the Governor of Minnesota. "While I am giving bread to tens of thousands, you are doing your level best to pull down the bakery," said Hill. Breeches. When the wife wears the breeches, let the husband wear petticoats. Without a pair of breeches what is man? Diogines' two-legged animal without feathers. Any man is liable to have a breech in his breeches. Breed breeding bred. Breeding in and breeding out Will breed a mongrel without doubt. Why not be as careful of the breed of children as of the breed of dogs? Wisdom and virtue are the gems, good breeding is the setting. She would breed a fever in the blood of a fish. We are all of the same breed our forefathers were gorillas. Bridge. Make a bridge for your adversary to retreat over. It is a good bridge that falls before you get onto it. 20 LACONICS If you burn the bridge behind you, your pursuers will have to wait or wade. Be sure you are over before you burn the bridge. Broth. Hell-broth, hag-boiled. Cold clam- juice is better than no broth. He put poison in his enemy's broth, and drank it himself. Brute. The further back we trace our ancestors, the nearer we get to the brutes. He who is cruel to brutes is himself a brute. The following is not mine. It was written by my dear friend, Hon. Henry C. Waite, (of St. Cloud, Minnesota) and ought to be embalmed and preserved: "Ransack creation in and out Through all its crooks and crannies, You'll never find another brute As big a brute as man is." Bud. Many a budding genius is nipped in the bud. If every bud blossomed and bore fruit what a lot of spring poets we would have! He would have made a man, but he was blasted in the bud. Building. Pride builds a mansion and the loan-man takes it. Don't build a castle till you can pay for it, and then build it on your own land. Build for your own eyes and not for the eyes of others. Burden. He sighed for the burden, now let him carry it. A man without a burden is a burden to himself. Burdens are sometimes hard to bear, but they steady us. LACONICS 21 A ship without ballast is apt to "turn turtle." Every man's burden is the burden he needs. The heaviest burden most men carry is their own folly. We can carry other people's burdens better than our own. You will never complain of your burden if you like it. Pad your shoulders with patience and you will carry your burden easier. Show me the boy that shirks his burden and I will show you a failure. Burglar. Every artizan to his trade, said the burglar . The beggar may laugh at a burglar. The man. that leaves his safe open is an accomplice of the burglar. Keep your money in the bank and the burglar won't burgle it. Burn. It is better to turn than to burn. If you haven't any wood to burn, burn chips. If you put your finger in the fire, don't complain of the burn. Bush. He beats the bush to frighten a bogy. Some men are eternally beating the bush after the bird has "flied away." Money grows on bushes in "Green"-land. Business. Know your own business, and attend to it. Be busy in your business. Let your principle business be to mind your own business. When every one minds his own business, business is good. Mind your own business and others will mind you. Men make business and business makes men. 22 LACONICS He minds everybody's business but his own. He who minds other people's business neglects his own. But butt. Don't butt in with your "buts." Cut out your "buts" and butt into it. He would have caught the hare, but he stumbled over an "if." Don't butt your head against a stone wall. He fights like a skunk butt end first. Butterfly. She looks like a buttered butterfly. A butterfly butted her butt in the butter; And she tried to get out with a flop and a flutter; And she did. In a flutter she fell in the gutter, For she left half her tail-feathers stuck in the butter. Buying buyers. Sellers and buyers are both liars. Don't buy a stray pig in the brush. Don't buy what you don't need it is dear at any price. Buzzard. Follow the buzzards and you will find the carrion. c Cackle. She cackles before she lays her egg. She is always cackling and never lays an egg. It is a sorry roost where the hen crows and the cock cackles. Calf. Veal should be cheap ; calves are plenty. He worships the golden calf himself. He bellows like a bull-calf at the butcher-block. Calm. Better now and then a tempest than per- petual calm. LACONICS 23 Better a little breeze than a dead calm. He is a good pilot in a calm sea. In prosperity, calm; in adversity, calmer. A good pilot in a tornado may carelessly wreck his craft in a calm. Calumny. He that escapes the tongue of calumny May count himself an angel or a naught. Poetry. Calumny is a wasp-nest; don't punch it. Candor. Candor gives wings to truth- Cannon. He fires a cannon at a fly. Care. Don't cultivate care; it will grow without it. Careless. He who is careless in small things will fail in great ones. Cask. Every cask has a bung-hole. Tap his cask and let the froth out. A rusty cask may contain good wine. They are fast turning the booze casks into water- wagons. You may fill the cask at the bung-hole and let it leak out at the spigot. Castle. He that builds castles in the air will seldom build one on land. A man's house is his castle if it is only a wigwam. Cat. Don't mew pussy cat to me. Beware of a black cat and a grey-eyed woman. Better live with a black cat than a babbling woman. Caught. He set a trap for his adversary and put his own foot in it. Cause. In a bad cause it is better to lose than to win. 24 LACONICS Caution. Don't build your top story first. Caution may be carried to timidity. An over cautious general seldom wins a battle. Caution is good if you don't take too big a dose of it. Don't talk caution to a man who is "stuck" on a "vidder." Chaff. Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread. Don't spend your time looking for a grain of wheat in a stack of chaff. Out of a bushel of chaff one little grain of wheat ! The popular breeze catches the chaff; the wheat remains. Chaff me no chaff : I am hungry for corn-bread and baked beans. He blows his chaff against the wind and look at 'im! Chance. He who invests in a lottery takes a slim chance for his money. Chance is not and never was. In the sea of chance one fishes for cod and catches a herring ; another fishes for herring and catches a devil-fish ; another fishes for suckers and is caught on his own hook. Don't take a chance without a cause. Chancery. Chancery is the court of chance. He is taking a chance in chancery. Don't take a chance in chancery if you can help it; it costs' fifty dollars to get in, and all you have got to get out. Change. Change is the order of the universe. On all things, high or low, or great or small Earth, ocean, mountain mammoth, midge and man, LACONICS 25 On mind and matter lo perpetual change God's fiat, stamped. Change. The voices of the hoar and hurrying years Cry from the silence * ' Change ! perpetual Change . ' ' Bet your small change and hold onto the eagle. Change is a good thing in your pocket. The sweetest harp of heaven Were hateful if it played the self same tune. Forever. Change. A sudden change of climate is good for a defaulter. Dust of the desert are thy walls And temple towers, O Babylon! O'er crumbled halls the lizard crawls, And serpents bask in blaze of sun. Fame. "Can the Ethiopian change his skin?" he can, with a paint-pot. The main difference between an "old fogy" and a mule is this the mule can change his mind but the "old fogy" can't. Character. Every good character has four corner- stones : Truth, Charity, Self-denial, Fortitude. We build our own characters. From the same materials one man builds a palace, another aprison. Our reputation is what people say of us, our char- acter is what we are. If character be rooted in truth, the flower and fruit thereof will be beautiful. Character may make a reputation, but reputation don't make a character. Charity. Let your charity begin with your wife. 26 LACONICS The ultimate result of modern Christian Charity continued will be to fill the world with weaklings, lunatics and criminals. "God help you" is cheap charity. Most men are charitable to themselves. It is a sin against charity to give to every beggar. Bear and forbear, I counsel thee, Forgive and be forgiven; For charity is the golden key That opens the gate of heaven. The only word written by Jesus Was Charity writ in the sand. Charity. Chase. He chases three hares at once all running in different directions. Chase her and she'll run; turn and ten to one she'll chase you. He chased a phantom all his life and never caught it till the Devil caught him. Chase the Devil around a stump and he will catch you by your coat-tail. Chatter chatterer. The chatterer should wear petticoats. She chatters like a blue jay on a corn-crib. I had rather listen to a chatterer than a flatterer. Chatter-boxes hold nothing but noise. Cheap. What seems cheap may prove dear. Nothing is cheap that you do not need. A bargain-counter is a pick-pocket. Most women would buy butterflies and go hungry if somebody said they were cheap. Cheap is a great cheat. Cheerfulness. 'Tain't easy to be cheerful with the toothache. LACONICS 27 Cheerfulness is the child of good health and good heart. He's as cheerful as a corpse. Chickens. Stray chicks come home with few feathers. He counts his chickens as soon as the hen cackles. Mrs. Meloney's spring-chicken was a goose. She is just featherin' out, but she cackles like an old hen. Child children. The child is pleased with a rattle and so is the man. Little children little babies; Men are only bigger babies. Sweet is the lute to him who hath not heard The prattle of his children at his knees. Men. Why not be as careful of the breed of children as of the breed of dogs? Jack-rabbits breed in litters, Bob, An' the Niggers an' Chinee An' the dirty, diggin' Dagos, Bob, An', by Gosh, why should'nt we? Bronco Bill. Christianity Christian. In some things the teachings of Christianity conflict with the laws of Nature. Christianity would save the imbecile, the idiot, the hopelessly insane and the criminal. Nature decrees the survival of the fittest. The doctrines of Jesus cannot repeal or amend the laws of Nature. The ultimate result of modern Christian Charity continued will be to fill the world with weaklings, lunatics and criminals. LACONICS Church. The modern church is a good social club. We build churches to honor ourselves. The choir sing psalms to praise themselves. Most preachers preach for themselves. A great preacher is a great teacher. Christ was a great teacher, so was Confucius. Circle. Eternity is a circle without circumference. The universe is a circle without diameter or cir- cumference. He talks in a circle and never reaches the end. Circumstances. Napoleon make circumstances ? pre- posterous! Circumstances made and unmade Napoleon. Man is a creature of a thousand whims, The slave of hope and fear and circumstance. City. In the city we long for the country; in the country we pine for the city. The devil is in the country; more's the pity; For the devil's surely in the city. Cain the slayer of his brother built the first city. Great cities are hot-beds of crime and corruption. Great cities are full of little men. The country feeds the city with "garden-sass" and greenhorns. Civility. Nothing costs less and pays better than civility. Civility costs nothing and buys much. Civilization. What is civilization? A coat of var- nish on the hide of the brute. Climb. And on the topmost peak a golden throne Blazoned with burning characters that read Climb! it is yours. Pauline. LACONICS 29 You must climb as you crept on your hands and knees. The higher he climbs the further he has to fall. Clinch. He clinches his argument with his fist. Cloak. If you would see men as they are, look under their cloaks. Under the cloak of virtue vices creep, And wolves become the shepherds of the sheep. Hypocracy always wears a cloak. We patch the cloak of truth with many a lie. Clothes. An 'ez fer clo'es, Mynherr, he chose A cow-skin fer his "kleid," Bob; The women wore knee-petticoats, An' bare skin underside, Bob. Bronco Bill. A tailor can make a coat but only God can make a man to wear it. Clouds. There will be some cloudy days. Don't worry. If there were no clouds we would tire of the sun- shine. Truth, like the sun, is often under a cloud. Coach. In a coach at twenty; on foot at forty. Coal. Don't waste your wind blowing cold coals. Coat. Have your coat cut according to your pants. If your tongue is sour coat it with molasses. Look out for vice in a swallow-tail coat. Cobbler. He gave his awl, 'twas all he had to give. Better be a good cobbler than a poor lawyer. 30 LACONICS Cock cock-sure. It is a poor coop where the cock cackles and the hen crows. He is one of those cock-sure fellows whose cock- lofts want tenants. Cocoanut. That lawyer has no Coke in his cocoanut. College. Taint no use tu send a bray in' ass Tu any cullege-school, Fer the less he knows the more he knows Like any ether fool. Bronco Bill. Colt. He prances like a colt in clover. Every old hoss was a colt once. Letthecolt prance he'll feel thestraps soon enough. That colt was born an "old hoss." Cold water. A scalded cur is afraid of cold water. Combustion. He is in a chronic state of spontaneous combustion. Command. Keep cool and command. He who commands himself will command others. Common law. Common law is common sense. Common sense. The most uncommon thing is com- mon sense. Wisdom is common sense. Fill the basement with common-sense, and the upper floors with learning. Communism. Civilization is founded upon the right of the individual to acquire and enjoy property. Communism would send us back to barbarism. Communism prevails in the lowest barbarism among the Indians of the Amazon and the Hot- tentots of Africa. Communists demand the equal division of unequal earnings. LACONICS 31 Socialism would destroy the right of property, the family relations and the aspirations of men. Socialism would pull down the highest to the level of the lowest. Socialism demands a dollars' worth for a dime. Men are not created equal any more than the beasts of the field or the trees of the forest. The survival of the fittest is the law of Nature and must prevail. Communism destroys ambition and without am- bition man becomes a brute. Company. The man who is tired of himself seeks worse company. Better alone than in bad company. Suit your conversation to your company. A good book is good company. Compensation. If the poor man sometimes lacks a. dinner, the rich man often lacks a stomach for it. If you are proud of your acquirements look up to those above you; if dissatisfied with your lot,. look down on those below you. Nature compensates; she gives every man his due. Complaint. When we stop to complain fortune for- sakes us. Complaint cures nothing. Conceal. He conceals his teeth with a mouthful of flattery. Conceit. The more one boasts of himself, the less others boast of him. Self-conceit is a cheat, but it always cheats itself. Self-conceit is first cousin to a fool. Self-conceit is nursed in small brains. 32 LACONICS Concentrate. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Concentration is power. Condemn. The vicious are swift to condemn the faults of others. Hear before you condemn. Every tale an' true his-story Alus hez tew sides ontu it. Bronco Bill. Confessor. We like to be confessor to others, but not to ourselves. Confession. We is a wise man who confesses to him- self and makes amends. Confident. It is well to be confident, best to be sure. Conflict. There is an "irrepressible conflict" between science and superstition. Conjecture. Feed me not on conjecture; give me a spoonful of fact. Conquer conqueror. If your enemy is noble, con- quer by kindness; if brutal, by force. The wise conqueror shields the conquered. To conquer the conquered is a coward's victory. Conscience. Conscience is a constant witness, but rarely comes into court. Consistency. It is better to be right than consistent. Constancy. Constancy in the right is one of the cardinal virtues. Content. When we are content with ourselves we are content with our neighbors. LACONICS 33 Contentment. Men seek for silver in the distant hills, While in the sand gold glimmers at their feet. Men. O man, thy wisdom is but folly still; Wiser the brute and full of sweet content. The developments and improvements of man are caused by discontent. Be a king in the kingdom of content. Contentment is the philosopher's stone that turns all it touches to gold. Ah, sweet content the blessing of the blest, Upon thy cheerful table, east or west, Corn-cakes and baked potatoes make a feast. One Hundred Years Ago. Contentment is the wisdom of the wise. Contrast. We judge by contrast. All things go by pairs. Conversation. Study to say the right thing at the right time. If you would be a good conversationalist ; be a good listener. Suit your conversation to your company. Conversion. Sudden conversions are shams. Coquette. A coquette is a woman without heart, who makes fools of men without brains. Corn. Where weeds grow corn will grow. Corporation. It is idle to declaim against great cor- porations Civilization and the welfare of man demand them. They have come to stay. The state is a great corporation; we are all stock- holders in it; but we better "look a little out" or the directors will get away with the dividends. 34 LACONICS Counsel counsellor. Take counsel of the night. If you counsel others follow it yourself. Fear is a bad counsellor. Don't give counsel to a fool he knows more than you do. Count. Counts don't count in America. Counts are of little account, and most of the barons are barren. Country. The large city is the maelstrom of vice into which the country pours its youth. The country feeds the city with "garden-sass" and greenhorns. Courage. The brave man is never a blusterer. Men admire courage and despise a coward. Courage and caution win the battle. Courage is a better man with his fist than a coward with a cudgel. Fortify courage with patience. The courage of the brave grows in adversity. Blind courage is dangerous. Cousin. A poor man has few cousins. We are sometimes cuzzened by cousins. Courts of justice. I know a little squint-eyed judge just big enough to wiggle on the bench. How often cross-eyed Justice hits amiss! Cover. Truth drives the liar under cover. When it rains, split shakes are better than no cover. Coward. None but a coward kicks a man that is down. To conquer the conquered is a coward's victory. Fate likes to stab a coward in the back. A tyrant is always a coward. LACONICS 35 Cowardice. A coward has the courage of a rat : a rat will fight desperately when driven into a corner. Fortune hates a coward. Cowards invite defeat, the brave command victory. Crab crab-tree. The timid man walks backward like a crab. The crab-tree may bear pippins if well grafted. Craft. Craft and cruelty are twins. Craft often puts his own foot in it. Creation. In the perfect circle of creation not an atom is lost. Credulity credulous. Credulity is as natural to a fool as milk to a calf. Promises are the pitfalls of the credulous. Creed. I believe in the creed of Nature. Men make the creeds, but God ordains the law. But all the creeds of politics or priests Can't make one error truth, one truth a lie. Above all cant, all arguments of Men, Above all superstitions, old or new, Above all creeds of every age and clime, Stands the eternal Truth the creed of creeds. Men. Men fit their creeds to their interests. Creep. Under the cloak of virtue vices creep. Cowards creep men walk upright. Crime. Crime begets crime, as good begets good. Fear is the constant shadow of crime. For the same crime one man goes to the gallows, another to a throne. Vice leads to crime, yet we wink at vice and abhor crime. 36 LACONICS Criticism critics. He who looks only for faults will never find beauty in anything. Critics are cleaners of other men's clothes. Critics are divided into bees and spiders : Where the bee finds honey, the spider gathers venom. Fair criticism is like a fanning mill that separates the wheat from the chaff. Average literary criticism is like stale beer. Every slop-wash on a newspaper considers himself a critic. Crisis. "What will we fire at? Didn't you har Gunnel say that the Crisis has cum ? Fire at the Crisis!" Capt. Bragg at the battle of Buena Vista. Bronco Bill. Cross. He's hankerin' for a "Cross of Gold" and would wear a "Crown of Thorns" to get it. Crowd. If you are in the crowd, crowd ahead. Don't wear corns in a crowd. Cruelty. Cruelty is born of cowardice. He who abuses dumb brutes is himself a brute. The cruelty of Nature is kindness. Human kindness is often cruelty. Culture cultivation. Culture is to the man what cultivation and pruning are to the vine. Cunning. Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread. The mindless herd are but the cunning's tools, For ages have the learned of the schools Furnished pack-saddles for the backs of fools. The Reign of Reason. LACONICS 37 own The cunning man always gets cheated. Cunning sets a trap for others, and puts his foot in it. Cup. He quaffs the cup of bitterness and smiles. Cur. To a yelping cur a bone or a bat, A scalded cur is afraid of cold water. Be a mastiff if you will a cur never. When the old dog barks all the curs begin to yelp. Cure. Complaint cures nothing. There is no cure for the follies of youth but age. When nature cures the doctor sends in a big bill. One doctor may cure three always kill. Curses. Curses like chickens come home to roost. Custom. We march to the music of the times. All men are slaves, yea, some are slaves to wine, And some to women, some to glimmering gold, But all to habit and to customs old. The Reign of Reason. Custom rules men; fashion, women. Custom is a tyrant. Cycle. All things move in cycles. Cypher. In the column of units most men are cyphers. D Dainties. Unbought dainties are the best. Although in silk the monkey dress He's still a monkey nevertheless. (From the Spanish.) Dally. Don't dally with danger. 38 LACONICS Danger. Meet unavoidable danger half-way. Take danger by the horns. In danger, valor; in peace, charity. Fear danger afar off, when it approaches, face it. In dodging one danger don't run into another. In safety beware of danger. When the danger is past the praying is over. Fear doubles the danger. Don't dally with danger Dark. Lo in the midst we stand: we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. If you are in the dark, hark. Day to-day. To-day is ours; to-morrow? to-mor- row? there is no to-morrow. "I have lost a day," mourned a great Roman: Most of us lose half our days. Every day in your life is worth saving. Dead. He that waits for dead men's shoes will have cold feet. Don't embalm a dead jackass. Pity not the dead, but the living. When you are dead it will be a long time to break- fast. Death. I fear not death, but only the pain of dying. t We know not what life is ; how may we know Death what it is, or what may lie beyond. And is there life beyond this life below ? Aye, is death death ? or but a happy change From night to light on angel wing's to range, LACONICS 39 And sing the songs of seraphs as we go ? Alas, the more we know, the less we know we know. The Reign of Reason. Matter to matter, mind to mind returns. . Death passes the brave and catches the coward. The melon-colic days are come, The saddest of the year, When bad boys jump the melon-patch With a bull-dog in the rear. Parody on Bryant's "Death of the Flowers." Debt. The highest price you can pay for anything is to run in debt for it. If you are in debt you don't need an alarm clock. If you would sleep sound keep out of debt. Pay your debts first and give presents afterwards. Deceit. I had rather be cheated now and then, than to believe all men rascals. He who begins by deceiving others, will end in de- ceiving himself. If one attempts to deceive you let him believe you are deceived. Who deceives others deceives himself. Deception deals in generalities. Deceit is the weapon of the weak. Little minds deal in deceit. Decency. Virtue and decency are near akin. Deception. We deceive ourselves oftener than we deceive others. If you deceive others you will deceive yourself. Self-deception is a pit-fall dug by yourself. Decimals. It takes more than a million decimals to make one unit. Decision. The man who does not learn to say "No" will be Nobody. 40 LACONICS It is easier to say "No" than to say "Yes" and suffer for it. Decision. When you are in doubt it is safe to refuse. Take pride in saying "No" when you ought to say it. Don't sit a-straddle the fence decide. In a doubtful case defer decision. Deeds. I care little for words: show me his deeds. One good deed is a stepping-stone to another. What we have done makes us what we are. Great deeds are the stepping-stones to fame. Good deeds are good seeds. Let your deeds praise you, your tongue never. Words are cheap; deeds are dear. Promises are cheap; performance dear. A bad deed is a seed sown for bad weeds. Virtue without deed is gone to seed. Deeds are more eloquent than words. One evil deed opens the door for many. A man is the heir of his own deeds. Deep. He dives deep and brings up mud. Defeat. In every just cause defeat is the first step on the road to victory. Grim in disaster, bravest in defeat. Pauline. To a brave man defeat is the first step to victory. Defense defend defender. He that defends his own rights defends mine. Defend what you have fairly won. If your enemy "smite you on one cheek," turn the other and hit him. Defects. All great men have defects ; you have a few yourself. LACONICS 41 Delay. To-morrow is the first day in the fool's cal- endar. While you delay the opportunity slips. To delay is to forget. Delay is dangerous with a pack of wolves in the rear. If you are angry delay. If you are in serious doubt delay. The cat caught the rat by delay. Deliberation. Deliberate quickly when occasion is urgent. Consider deliberately; act promptly. Deliberate deliberate! he was always deliberat- ing and never did anything else. Delusion. The phantom delusion flits ever before us and beckons us on; She stands a-tip-toe at our open grave and points beyond. When a little man gets a delusion he hangs to it like a dog to a bone. Fools feed on delusions, wise men, on facts. Democracy. In a democracy, as in a caldron, the scum rises to the top. In all history Democracy has proved a tyrant. The mob is a many headed brute. Democracy is a failure the masses must be led and controlled by strong and wise leaders. It is as natural for men to follow a leader as it is for sheep to follow the bell-wether. Where Grex, is Rex God help the hapless land. Men. Demagogue. In a republic demagogues spring up like mushrooms. 42 LACONICS The primary object of the demagogue is to gain the applause of the mob ; and he will fit his own conscience to the applause. Hear the demagogues Fist-maul the wind and weather-cock the crowd; With brazen faces full of empty noise Out-bellowing the bulls of Bashan. Men. Demand. Yield to the demand of your own conscience. He demands double pay for being honest. Every hour makes a demand on us. Desert. Even in the desert of Sahara there are wells and garden- spots. There is water in "Death Valley" if you dig for it. Dust of the desert are thy walls And temple-towers, O Babylon; O'er crumbled halls the lizard crawls And serpents bask in blaze of sun. Fame. Desire. That which is manifestly beyond our reach is beyond our desire. Man often desires that which he ought to dread and dreads that which he ought to desire. Our ardent desires spring from our passions. We easily imagine what we earnestly desire. Despise. If you despise your neighbors, your neigh- bors will despise you. Despotism. The rule of the majority is often the worst of despotism. There is no despotism like that of the many-headed monster the mob. Despair. Despair comes to the coward, never to the brave. LACONICS 43 Despise. If we despise the world, the world will despise us. Despise not trifles; there are no trifles in this world. Detraction. Detraction crushes the weak; but strengthens the brave. Devil. The devil is always in a hurry. There is a devil in every kernel of corn. There is no devil like a she-devil. Give the devil his due and he'll get you. "The devil be damned," is what we preach; you know it At mass and vespers, holy-bread and dinner; From priest to pope, from pedagogue to poet, We sanctify the sin and damn the sinner. The Devil and the Monk. When the devil is taking a nap; go softly. If the Devil were dead who would feed the priest ? The devil is dead, but the poor still pay Peter- pence. The Devil is still abroad in the world; his other name is Ignorance. "Where are ye goin', Pat?" Pat. "Me boy Tim hez run away and gone to the divil, an' I'm goin' afther 'im." Diamond. He will read and range and rhyme in vain Who hath no dust of diamonds in his brain. Poetry. Truth sparkles in his song and like a diamond gleams. Poetry. He polishes a pebble and imagines it a diamond. Diamonds are only stones; 'tis the glitter we prize. It's no longer "Diamond cut diamond;" it is steel cut steel. 44 LACONICS Dice. Don't shake dice with the devil; his dice are loaded. Diet. Regimen is better than physic; what will aid digestion ? Work. What will recruit strength? Sleep. To a hungry man a fish is as good as a fowl. Don't let the doctor diet you into the dump-hole. As a rule whatever the stomach craves is good for the liver and all the rest of the anatomy. Dictator. In times of anarchy a dictator is a savior. Nature is the dictator and we have to "fall in." Difficulty. Difficulties are spurs to a brave soul. Difficulties surmounted become pleasures. Difficulties surmounted prove the man. Diffidence. Be modest, but don't be diffident. Self-respect and self-reliance are cardinal virtues. Diligence diligent. If the weaver is diligent Fortune will furnish the thread. Don't be diligent in doing nothing. Don't be diligent in a bad cause. Be diligent in good work and others will be diligent in helping you. Dime. A dime saved is a dollar earned. Ten cents make a dime ten dimes make a dollar put the dollar in the Savings Bank. Dinner. The best hour for dinner is when you are hungry. Dirt dirty. He that flings dirt fouls his own face. He is a dirty dog that slanders a woman. Send your dirty shirt to the wash-tub. LACONICS 45 Disappointment. Our ruined hopes are stepping- stones to peace. Disappointment is the lot of every one -try it again. Disappointment weakens the weak, and braces the brave. Discontent. God never intended men to be content; discontent spurs us forward. Discretion discrete. Discretion is a safe guide. Zeal without discretion is an ass without a bridle. A discreet man always says less than he knows. Disease. Vanity is a disease often hereditary. Human vanity is pitiful; the gods smile at it. Disgrace. The fear of disgrace, more than the love of virtue, deters men and women from vice. Dishonesty. The apparent success of the dishonest is a temptation to fools. Disparagement. He who disparages himself to others expects praise. Dispraise. The applause of fools is dispraise. Dispute. In a hot dispute he argues best who says the least. Distance. Men seek for silver in the distant hills, While in the sand gold glimmers at their feet. Men. Distant danger is too often despised. Distrust. To think and feel we are able is usually to be able. 46 LACONICS Don't distrust yourself. Distrust the "sweet oil" fellow, and the woman with virtue on her tongue. Doctor. If you send for a doctor you will be ill ; If you send for two, better make your will. Keep your heart warm, your head cool, and defy the doctors. "I am waiting for a patient like Patience on a monu- ment," said a young doctor to his Irish servant. "An' whin ye gits 'im," said Pat, "it won't be long afore the monument be on the patient." Death is the only doctor that cures all. Nature cures the disease and the doctor sends in his bill. The doctor's bills are as bad as his pills. Nobody charges for advice but the lawyer and the doctor; and the less you buy of them the better. The doctor cured the disease by killing the patient. Any doctor can tell what ails you after you are dead. Dog. Don't kick a mad dog. Let a barking dog sleep on the back porch. If you must be a dog be a bull-dog. When the dogs bark hold your tongue. Poor people keep dogs to eat the bread of their children. "I dinna ken which end o' 'im to believe," said a Scotchman of a dog that wagged his tail and growled. A barking dog scares the game. Every dog needs a master. A dog at his bone, let him alone. When an old dog growls beware. When the old dog barks all the curs begin to yelp. Dog-fight. It's a dog-fight: I bet on the bull-dog. LACONICS 47 It ain't the curs thet bark thet bite, But curs kin start a dog-fight. War with Japan. Dollar. Better a dollar to-day than a promise of two to-morrow. Done. Nothing is done until it is finished. What is done is done and be done with it. Better be done right than be half-done in a hurry. What is not well done is not done at all. Door. A wasteful cook will throw food out of the back door as fast as you can bring it in at the front. Don't open the door of your heart to everybody. Do something. Make at least an ear of corn grow where none grew before. Do and it will soon be done. Do something worth doing. Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well. Doubt. Doubt is the mother of truth. In doubt, delay. Some people are always in doubt and never get out. Down. Lie down and the world will walk over you. Only a coward will kick a man who is down. The man who goes down and rises again is made of good stuff. Three times down an' three times up: You'd better tackle sum ether pup. Bronco Bill. K we could slip up-hill as easily as we slip down-hill we would all be at the top. Doxy. Keep your "doxy;" I don't want 'er; I have a "doxy" of my own. 48 LACONICS Dream. Oh let me dream the dreams of long ago. And still a phantom haunted all my dreams, Awake or sleeping, for awake I dreamed. Dreamed! O my soul and was it all dream? O Let me Dream the Dreams of Long Ago. Dreams will do for a midnight "lunch," but give me eggs and baked potatoes for breakfast. Dregs. As with poor wine so with the populace agitation brings the dregs to the top. Dress. The Hottentot is in full dress Nature was his tailor. A dress-suit on a donkey. Jist think of that! a stove-pipe hat, Ez slick ez greased with lard, Bob; Kid gloves, silk tie, and sich ez that Stuck onter our ole pard, Bob. Bronco Bill. If it were fashionable to go naked every woman would appear in public in the full-dress of Nature. Drift. It is easier to drift than to stem the current. Politicians are mostly drift-wood. Drone. We work one day for ourselves and two for the drones. Drive the drones out of the hive. Drunkenness drunkard. Fools marry drunkards to reform them. A man can get intoxicated on vanity as well as on rum. Most men get drunk on success. LACONICS 49 Dude. When the dude came home from Harvard it rained Latin, and Forte dux f el flat in gutter. Dudes will dawdle and girls will giggle. Dupe. A shrewd judge of men is easily duped by a woman. He is duped by himself. Duplicity. No man can stay long on both sides of the fence. Carry worter on both shoulders, An' yer bound ter wet yer pants. Bronco Bill. Duty. Daily duties are as wholesome as daily bread. There is no path of safety but the path of duty. There is strength in every duty done. Duty and happiness are linked together. Do the duty which lies nearest. On the rock of duty stand steadfast. In dreary camp, on weary tramp, With "forty rounds" and blistered feet, Through thicket, flood and fever-fen, On picket in the rain and sleet, In bloody fight, in sore defeat, You did your duty: ye were men. Message, etc. E Ear. All ears and eyes and no tongue. Early rising. Better to rise late and be wide awake, than to rise early and be half asleep. "The early bird catches the worm, "but it's the early worm that's caught. 50 LACONICS Earth. The earth is but a grain of sand, An atom in a shoreless sea; A million worlds lie in God's hand, Yea, myriad millions; what are we? Fame. Let us possess the earth before we reach out for the stars. Easy. An easy trot goes far in a day. If your enemy slander you, take it easy; don't fret, let it wash off. Eating. You can reach most men's hearts through the stomach. The poor man toils to get food for his stomach; the rich man to get a stomach for his food. A good eater, a good worker. Eccentricity. Eccentricity in dress or manners is vanity or insanity. A monkey's tail is no prettier for being painted red. Long-haired poets are out of fashion. Genius and eccentricity are not twins. Echo. His grandfather was a great man, but he is only an echo of an echo. She warbles to the echo her only applause. Ebb. Every flow has an ebb. When the tide is in catch fish, when it ebbs dig clams. Economy. If your out-go exceeds your income, you will soon touch bottom. Economy and industry turn iron into gold. Economy and industry are the philosopher's stone. Education. Our education begins when we are born and ends when we do. LACONICS 51 No man ever finished his education. Observation and experience are the best educators. Let mental and physical training keep even pace. Don't stuff your mind, but pack it carefully. Fill the bag with wheat and there will be no room for tares. Abraham Lincoln went through college in a log cabin. Just-out-of-college "I have finished my educa- tion." Young man, you have finished before you begun. True education should teach the useful and the good. Eel. You have an eel by the tail ; hold him if you can. Effect. He doctors the symptoms and not the dis- ease. Few reason from effect to cause, or from cause to effect. Effort. What cometh from the heart goes to the heart ; What comes from effort only is but tame. Poetry. Nothing done without effort. Let your efforts be directed by reason. Effort will not turn a donkey into a race-horse or a mud-hen into an eagle. Mis-directed effort is time and money wasted. Eggs. ''They are egging him on," said a wag, when they rotten-egged a stump-speaker. Don't sit on stale eggs, let the old hen do that. It takes a long time to hatch stale eggs. Egotism. Self-praise stinks in the mouth. Let thy deeds and not thy tongue praise thee. 52 LACONICS Egotism is near sighted. Better overrate than underrate your own worth. Why shouldn't a man admire himself? he is "the noblest work of God." Don't imagine yourself the centre of gravity. Eloquence. True eloquence consists in saying the right thing in the right way, at the right time and the right place. When the heart speaks the tongue is eloquent. Emancipation. The will was the will of God, the hand was the hand of Lincoln. Emergency. Be prepared for emergencies. Look out for the unexpected. Employment. A life of employment is a life of enjoy- ment. Be employed at something if it is only in kicking yourself. Empty. When his belly is full his head is empty. Don't drop your bucket into an empty well. It is hard drawing wine out of an empty cask. It takes too long to get a drink out of an empty jug. End. In the beginning look to the end. Let the means and the end justify each other. Enemy. Conquer your enemies, but do not humiliate them. Fight your enemies to make them your friends. Study your enemies. Men are often our enemies because they do not know us. When you lose an enemy you gain a friend. If you are wise you will learn more of yourself from your enemies than from your friends. LACONICS 53 You are bound to love your enemy, but you are not bound to put your finger in his mouth. He makes a rope of sand to bind his enemies. He that dallies with a cunning enemy puts his foot in a trap. Friends and enemies are both useful to a wise man. He who can do you no good as a friend, can do you harm as an enemy. If your enemy is a man make a friend of him, if he is a dog kick him and he will be your servant. An enemy in front an enemy in the rear; go ahead. Divide your enemies; unite your friends. Among enemies sleep with your eyes open. Enjoyment. Moderate enjoyment is real enjoyment. Joy to see others enjoy. What you enjoy is yours and that is all. Ennui. Ennui is the mother of many vices. Enough. He will have enough to do who tries to please everybody. Enough is enough; more is too much. You have talked enough, now go at it. Enough is often too much. Enterprise. Plan with care; execute with vigor. The highest mountain lessens as we climb. Enterprise bridges the river, tunnels the moun- tain, and spans the continent. Enterprise and energy know few failures. Enthusiasm. How can he kindle others who himself is a dead cinder? Enthusiasm has done wonders. Enthusiasm without sense is a lunatic. 54 LACONICS Envy. The envious are always inferior. Envy will find faults where there are none. Envy, like the moth, seeks the fairest fruit. Envy is a witch that bewitches herself. Envy is the thorn of little minds. Who ever envied a man with a brawling wife and a boil on his nose? Equality. Hear mobs of idlers cry "Equality! Let all men share alike: divide, divide." Pull down the toiler, lift the idler up ? Despoil the frugal, crown the negligent? Offer rewards for idleness and crime ? And pay a premium for improvidence? There is no equality no two men, or women, are just alike. Equality? No two grains of sand are exactly a- like. Equity. Equity is measured by the mind of the judge; and many of our judges take technicality for equity. Error. We suck in error with our mother-milk. Wise men err, but fools persevere in error. Error is temporal; Truth, eternal. The errors of a wise man are more instructive than the blunders of a fool. To detect error start with the truth. Eternity eternal. Eternity is represented in a mo- ment of time. Measure eternity by the town clock! Eternity will not give back the hours you squander. Eulogy. In his eulogy of the dead he endeavored to build a monument for himself. LACONICS 55 Events. In the events of today behold the hand of yesterday. Do right; be just; fear not events will take care of themselves. If you cannot control events, you can profit by them. Keep your eye to windward ; get on the right side of events. Everybody. Don't try to please everybody; the Almighty couldn't do that. Everything. Everything has its use and its abuse. Everything is a part of everything. "Everything comes to him who waits." So? I know a lot of men who are waiting yet in the grave-yard. Evidence. Before you decide hear both sides. Compare statements with probabilities. Men will color; men will distort; men will conceal; men will lie; look for the ear-marks of truth. Truth is plain-spoken, falsehood evasive and ful- some. Strong circumstantial evidence rarely deceives the wary. Evil. Commingled the good and the evil; Sown together the wheat and the tares; In the heart of the wheat is the weevil; There is joy in the midst of our cares. Wisdom will find good in evil. An imagined evil is a real evil. One evil deed opens the door for many. Good and evil are born from the same womb and rocked in the same cradle. Evil-speaking. He who speaks evil will do evil. 56 LACONICS Evolution. Evolution never goes backward. Exaggeration. Some men's jackrabbits are always antelopes. Blowhard's badger is a grizzly bear. Exaggeration weakens the tale. The minnow he failed to land was the biggest bass in the lake. Example. We echo what we hear and ape what we see. When one goose gabbles the whole flock follows. Excellence. Excellence is the reward of patient work. Excuse. His excuse is lame; it needs crutches. His excuse accuses him. Execution execute. The best of plans may be spoiled in execution. Plan deliberately execute promptly. Expediency. The lawful is not always expedient; the wrongful never. Expense. The thriftless boor keeps three dogs and one pig. Figure the expense and count your pence. Experience. Fools call their folly experience. We are often prophets to others and fools for our- selves. Personal experience is the fool's schoolmaster. The wise are taught by reason, most men by ex- perience, fools by nothing. Extremes. Oppose extremes; don't let the tail wag the dog. Extremes beget extremes. In all extremes there lies between LACONICS 57 The middle way the ' 'golden mean." Avoid extremes especially the extreme end of a wasp. Eye. The eye is the index of the soul: Love, hatred, anger, pity, sorrow, joy, pride, humility, truth, falsehood, courage, cowardice, are pictured there. You can see the lie in his eye. The tongue can keep a secret better than the eye. You can see a coward in his eye. Seek ye the fairest lily of the field, The fairest lotus that in the lakelet lies, The fairest rose that ever morn revealed, And Love will find from other eyes concealed, A fairer flower in some fair woman's eyes. Love Will Find. We are blind with our eyes wide open. Remember that other people have eyes too. F Face. Keep your face to the front. Face the devil and he will flunk. Our faces, like mirrors, reflect ourselves. Fact. One fact discovered is a lamp to light the way to others. An ounce of fact is worth a ton of fiction. We mold facts in our own molds. A new fact is a new revelation. Every fact fits in with all other facts. Facts! facts! we are all looking for facts, but not with the same eyes. Let your mind feed on facts. 58 LACONICS Fail. He who is careless in small things will fail in great ones. Failure. It is only the fool that never fails. He was born a failure. Remember your failures are your stepping-stones to success. If you fail don't flunk. Fair. He plays fair and picks your pocket. He speaks too fair and I'll beware. The fairest flower is without fruit. Faith. Faith is the foundation of society. Blind faith is strongest in the weakest. Blind Faith is the religion of fools. Fall. Fall and the world will laugh; rise and it will applaud. A wise man will never fall twice in the same ditch. False. Although true, be cautious about stating that which appears to be false. Falsehood. It is easier to detect falsehood than to find the truth. When falsehood baits her hook with bits of truth she catches gudgeons. Truth can afford to go naked; falsehood needs fine clothes. In most falsehoods there are grains of truth. Fame. Seven cities strove for Homer's bones, 'tis said, Through which the living Homer begged for bread. Poetry. Fame is a coy goddess that rarely bestows her favors on him who seeks her a phantom that many pursue and but few overtake. LACONICS 59 Rear monuments of fame or flattery Think ye their sleeping souls are made aware; Heap o'er their heads sweet praise or calumny; Think ye their moldering ashes hear or care? Poetry. For fame men piled the Pyramids; Their names have perished with their bones; For fame men wrote their boasted deeds On Babel bricks and Runic stones, On Tyrian temples, gates of brass, On Roman arch and Damask blades, And perished like the desert grass That springs to-day to-morrow fades. Fame. Alas, Alas, for all things pass, and we shall vanish too, as they; We build our monuments of brass and granite, but they waste away. Minnetonka. Fame is as fickle as the babble of men. Fame is but the breath of the populace-, and often smells of garlic. There is but a step between fame and infamy. He wrote a book despising fame and put his own name on the title page. Family. A family should be "unica velut arx" one like a citadel. Don't pickle me in a family jar. If there is ferment in a family jar, screw down the cover. Far-away. Faraway is the happy land, Where hares come leaping to your hand, And ducks drop ready roasted. 60 LACONICS Fine are the fields that are far away. It is only in a far-away land that lemons and sugar and ice grow on the same tree. Farce. When the farce is played out, let the curtain drop. It is only one step from farce to tragedy. Fashion. We dance to the music of the times. Novelty sets the gabbling geese agape, And fickle fashion follows like an ape. When Nero's wife put on her auburn wig And at the Coliseum showed her head, The hair of every dame in Rome turned red; When Nero fiddled all Rome danced a jig. Poetry. If it were the fashion to go naked, most women would follow the fashion. Fashion wears out more clothes than work. Bread is cheap, but fashion is dear. Fashion and custom are the biggest items in our family expenses. The latest fashion a hay-cock hat filled with red hair Fate. Whet your knife on the threshold of fate. Fight not against fate; it is better to bend than to break. There is no armor against fate. Between the cup and the lip stands fate. Don't clutch the wheel-spokes of fate; try the rear end of an express train. Father. A hard father, a hardy son. He worked hard all his life to make his sons sports and spendthrifts. LACONICS 61 "My forefathers were noblemen," said the English- man to Pat, "An' ef yer mether hed bin a onisht 'oman yez wudn't a-had but wan av 'em." said Pat. Fault. Look not for faultless men or faultless art; Small faults are ever virtue's parasites; As in a picture shadows show the lights, So human foibles show the human heart. Poetry Small faults are little thieves. The faultless man was born tomorrow. Those who do nothing spend their time in finding fault with others. If we had no faults we wouldn't be hunting for faults in others. We remember the faults of others and forget our own. Men are prone to remember your faults and forget your virtues. We can hide our faults from ourselves easier than from others. The man without faults is in the cemetery. Favor. If you cannot grant a favor asked, refuse graciously and without delay. A handsome woman finds favor among men, and but little among her own sex. Fear. Brave Red Cloud is only afraid of fear. The Feast of the Virgins. Fear turns the black sheep into a bear. Fear multiplies the enemy ten-fold. When fear enters, wisdom departs. Fear makes a wolf out of a jack- rabbit. 62 LACONICS Conceal your fear under a bold front. Fear is a bad counsellor. Fear doubles the danger. Feast. He who comes after the feast must be con- tent with the bones. A frog's leg is a feast for a Frenchman. Baked potatoes and salt make a feast for a hungry man. Too late to the feast, the dogs have the bones. After the feast, bones bones. Ah, sweet content the blessing of the blest Upon thy cheerful table East or West Corn-cakes and baked potatoes make a feast. Feather. He fans with a feather and imagines he has started a huriicane. Fine feathers make a fine rooster. She is all pads and feathers, His cockloft is full of feathers. Fetter. Even golden fetters become hateful. He who forges fetters for others may wear them himself. We all wear fetters; some of iron, some of gold. Fickle. The wife that is fickle is soon in a pickle. Fiddler. Every fiddler thinks his own fiddling the finest. When Nero fiddled all Rome danced a jig. He fiddled and fiddled his fiddle-de-de. Fight. A Frenchman fights before he reasons; A Scotchman reasons before he fights; An Irishman fights for the fun of it; And an Englishman fights when he thinks he can whip his antagonist. LACONICS 65 It is better to fall fighting than to be shot in the back. Said Pat: "Oi'm niver so much at pace as whin Oi'm in a foight." The main thing in this world is to fight a good fight. Men are prone to fight; even wolves agree among themselves. "War yer in the battle of Bull Run, Pat?" "Sure Oi wuz." "An whar waz yer?" "Oi wuz behint at the Bui an' afore at the Run." Figure-head. How often the head figure is a mere figure-head. Finite. In the finite find the infinite. Fire. Fight fire with fire. There is no fire in the flint till steel strikes it. An angry man is like one who attempts to quench a fire with kerosene. Under ashes fire. Fire in the heart, smoke in the head. Fire won't burn without fuel. A little hot-head will sometimes kindle a big fire. Look out for a fire in the rear. He fired in the air, but the little dogs barked. Fish. The fish the fisherman fails to land is the biggest fish in the pond. Fish with a silver hook. Don't try to catch a trout with a chunk of pork on a pot-hook. The easiest fish to catch is a "sucker." Don't fish whar thar ain't no fish. Bronco Bill. Flag. Every man for the flag and the flag for us all. 64 LACONICS Flattery flatterer. We dislike those who flatter too much, and hate those who don't flatter at all. A man who is too deaf to hear good counsel will hear flattery a mile off. The only flatterer I fear is myself. Shrewd men flatter us to our friends, that it may come to our ears. Flatterers are the parasites of the powerful. Flattery is fit pap for fools. We can flatter no one so easily as ourselves. The worst flatterer is he who flatters the masses. Flattery will not hurt us if we don't flatter ourselves. When Nature changes her nature you may trust a flatterer. He conceals his teeth with a mouthful of flattery. Flies. If you would catch flies drop a little honey on your tongue. Flies can annoy a lion. Flinch. Never flinch however much you fear. It's a "cinch," inch by inch Win your way and never flinch. Flower. The flower must fade before the fruit appears. The fairest flowers are rarely the sweetest. Flock. When one duck flies the flock follows. If you want to control the flock catch the bell- wether. Foe. We are sharpened by the files of our foes. Fight a foe to make a friend of him. Follow. Follow the bees and you will find the hive. Follow the crows and you will find the carion. Men, like geese, follow in flocks. LACONICS 65 Folly. When we laugh at the follies of others let us look at our own. Food. Feed neither mind nor body continually on the same food. Flattery is fit pap for fools. It is better to discover a new food for man on earth than a new star in the sky. The poor have little food for their stomachs, the rich little stomach for their food. Feed a vain man on flattery it's plum-puddin' to him. Fool. Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread. For ages have the learned of the schools, Furnished pack-saddles for the backs of fools. The Reign of Reason. The fool acts first and asks advice afterwards. A fool is often as dangerous to deal with as a knave. Fools follow the opinion of others, wise men think for themselves. Only fools are born wise. There is one crop that never fails the crop of fools. Fools fly in flocks. Nature miscarried when a fool was born. A fool walks with his mouth open and his eyes shut. He who discovers that he is a fool has found the right road to wisdom. Some talk like philosophers and live like fools. Even a wise man may sometimes make a fool of himself. When nature gave him a long tongue and a little brain she meant him for a fool. There is no cure for a fool. The fool's mouth is open for flies. 66 LACONICS Every fool has a goose that lays a golden egg to- morrow. A fool blames others for his faults; a wise man blames himself. The land of fools is the paradise of knaves. He is a fool who gets two black eyes to blacken one of his enemy. The young fools call their elders the old fools. Foolish. It is a foolish chicken that runs to the fox for protection. Forbearance. Bear and forbear, I counsel thee; Forgive and be forgiven, For charity is the golden key That opens the gate of heaven. If he calls you a fool, forbear; if he calls you a liar, hit 'im. Forefathers. "I can't boasht av me forefathers," said Pat, "fer I duno who the divil they wuz, but I kin boasht av me posterity fer Biddie an' Oi hez twinty wan av 'em." Foremost. In politics the foremost is soon the hind- most. "I desarve a pinsion," said Pat, "I wuz the hind- most in the foight an' the foremost in the retrate, sor." Fore-sight. File your fore-sight; your hind-sight is good enough. His fore-sight is blunt, but his hind-sight is fine. If our fore-sight were as good as our hind-sight we would seldom miss the mark. Most men have hind-sight, some, fore-sight and a rare few circum-sight. LACONICS 67 Fore-thought. Patch the roof before it rains. The fore-thought of a fool is always behind. Forgetfulness forget. His forgettery is better than his memory. To delay is to forget. Forgiveness. Let there be no room in thy heart for the memory of a wrong. Never does the human heart appear so strong and noble as when it foregoes revenge. It is easier to forgive those who have injured us than those whom we have injured. The offender seldom forgives. Forgiveness is commendable, but some men need licking. Forgive but don't forget. If you would be forgiven, forgive. Bear and forbear, I counsel thee, Forgive and be forgiven, For Charity is the golden key That opens the gate of Heaven. Charity. Fortitude. Grim in disaster bravest in defeat, He leaped not into danger without cause, Nor shrank he from it though a gulf of fire, When duty bade him face it. Pauline Fortify yourself with fortitude and Fortune will favor you. Fortune. A fortune is often a misfortune. When fortune blows, hoist your sails. He is a shrewd man who knows 'how to make a fortune; a wise man who knows how to keep it; but he is the wisest who knows how to enjoy it. The way to court fortune is to meet her half-way. 68 LACONICS Fortune rarely smiles on him who complains of her Friends and fortune fly together. The way to gain the favor of fortune is to compel it. When you are at the top of the hill all roads lead downward. A small fortune is safer than a big one. How often fortune plays the coquette smiling at first and mocking us afterwards. Weave diligently and Fortune will furnish the thread. When fortune knocks at the door be ready to let her in. Fortune sells what she seems to give. He is waiting for a fortune with a hole in his hat and a patch on his pants. Forward. A man cannot stand still; he must go for- ward or backward. Forward! Forward! That is the word that wins the victory. Don't be backward in coming forward in your own cause. Fountain. If you want pure water go to the fountain. Fox. The fox never gets caught twice in the same trap. Under the bait the old fox smells the hidden trap. Foxy. He was so foxy that he outwitted himself. Freak. A truly wise man is a freak of nature. Men. Freedom. The word Freedom has covered a multi- tude of wrongs. LACONICS 69 Friend friendship. A true friend divides our sor- rows and doubles our joys. A friend that frowns is better than a smiling enemy . How many friends are like the swallows that make their nests under your roof in summer and in autumn fly away. We never know the value of a true friend until we lose him. I have one friend I can depend on he is in my pocket. Be your friend's friend, but not the friend of his faults. He has a hundred friends of his fortune to one of himself. A summer friend is a friend to feed; A winter friend is a friend indeed. Fear your friends and face your enemies. Friendship is a plant that needs watering. Friendship can't stand on one leg. True friendship is like old wine; the older it grows the stronger it grows. The man who has no need of friends will have many. A fool friend is more dangerous than an open enemy. Friends and enemies are both useful to a wise man. My friend is my brother of my own choosing. A friend's face is a good mirror. Between true friends, truth nothing but truth. In prosperity beware of friends, in adversity they will beware of you. You will never find a friend without a fault. The friend who tells you your faults is the friend to tie to. Frog. Better a big frog in a little puddle, than a little frog in a big puddle. 70 LACONICS Froth. When the pot boils the froth comes to the top. The mob is like lager beer the froth on top. Frugality. He is the least in want who wants the least. Save your pennies and your pennies will save you. Fruit. The blossom withers when the fruit appears. The fairest fruit may have a worm in it. The best fruit ripens late. Don't pluck the apple till it is ripe. The fig-tree that fails to bear root it out, plant potatoes. Fury. Let rage waste itself in idle fury. Fury is fit for wild beasts, not for men. Future futurity. The future grows out of the present and the past. An old man's future is in the past. He that would judge the future must know the past. It is well that the future is concealed. Lo in the midst we stand: we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. The Future is written in the past. We are linked to the infinite past and the infinite future. Take care of the present and the future will take care of itself. With his eyes on the future he stumbles through the present. LACONICS 71 G Gain. In a bad cause it is better to lose than to gain. Dust to Dust: What is gained when all is lost ? What have you gained if you strive and struggle all your life to gain a fortune for prodigals to squander ? Garment. Everyone assumes a garment of virtue if it is only a fig-leaf. Garden gardener. God made the first garden and Cain, who slew his own brother, built the first city. Every man and woman ought to be a gardener. We are all in God's garden; let us root out the weeds and plant potatoes. General generalship. Napoleon showed his greatest generalship in selecting his Marshals. A good general commands himself. "What makes a good general?" asked Lincoln. "A bull-dog," said General Grant. Generation. A generation is like a swarm of gnats born in June dead in October. Generous. He who gives to every beggar beggars himself. Vanity is the well-spring of much generosity. He who gives publicly likes to see his name in the newspapers. Men who have wrung hundreds of millions out of the people generously give a fraction to universities and libraries to write their names over the doors. Be generous to your true friends and don't be stingy with yourself. 72 LACONICS Genius. Genius is patience, labor and good sense. Truth is the touchstone of all genius. Art In poet, painter, sculptor is the same: What cometh from the heart goes to the heart; What comes from effort only is but tame. Poetry. An eagle's egg may be hatched in a hen-coop. A swan's egg may be hatched on a dung-hill. Time and patience change the mulberry-leaf To finest silk: the lapidary's skill Makes the rough diamond sparkle at his will, And cuts a gem from quartz or coral-reef. Poetry. Genius is a bundle of nerves bent to hard work. Poverty is the mother of genius. Get. If you want to win "get up and get." It is easier to get than to keep. It is hard to get to the top : you can slide to the bottom. Geology. Geology traces the foot-prints of Time. Geology teaches us how God built the Earth. Giddy. A giddy girl makes a fool of her mother at ten, at twenty she makes a fool of herself. Gift give giver. Give and take but don't "give in." It is better to give than to take. Don't insult the worthy giver by refusing the gift he can afford. Girl. Hear the old mother talk! You would think she never was a girl herself. Girls Girls Girls, be gay but not giddy. Some women are always girls and die giggling. LACONICS 73 Glitter. Diamonds are only stones; 'tis the glitter we prize. Glove. If you handle nettles put on gloves. Strike your friend gently with a gloved hand. You can tell a sloven by the fit of her glove. Gluttony. Where one dies of hunger a thousand die of gluttony. A glutton ought to be a scavenger. A glutton's guts are the principal part of him. God. Know only this there is a Power unknown, Master of life and builder of the worlds. Beyond. All things in nature bear God's signature So plainly writ that he who runs may read. Men. God's perfect order rules the universe. Hope and Trust. All life springs from out the dust: Ah, we measure God by man, Looking forward but a span On his wondrous, boundless plan; All his ways are wise and just: Hope and Trust. Dust to Dust. Lo all-pervading Unity is His; Lo all-pervading Unity is He; One mighty heart throbs in the earth and sea, In every star through heaven's immensity; And God in all things breathes, in all things is. The Reign of Reason. Measure for measure, measure God by man? God gives us nothing but life, all else he sells to us at a fair price. 74 LACONICS Thou art the god of thine idolatry: The fool fashions God after himself. The years of God are one. Time hath not touched the great All-father's Throne. Gold golden. The golden age is the age of gold. Fish with a golden hook. Men seek for silver in the distant hills While in the sand gold glimmers at their feet. Men. This is surely the "Golden Age" we worship the "Golden Calf." It takes a gold-mine to operate an iron-mine. Gone. Gone is gone and you needn't chase it. Good. There is good in all things for him who knows how to find it. If good is within good will come out. Good and evil are born twins, but ever at war. There is good in all things and evil in all things. Good is good, but the best is better. He is good good for nothing. Good and evil are born from the same womb and rocked in the same cradle. Good Times. All times are good times if you know what to do and how to do it. He never ventured: he was always waiting for "Good Times." A blacksmith can make "good times" with his hammer on his anvil. Good Times? all times are "good times." Good-breeding. Good seed good breed. Wisdom and virtue; are gems good-breeding the setting. LACONICS 75 A Poland-China pig is well-bred. That thorough-bred was born in Berkshire. Good Humor. Good humor is better than a dress suit. "Out o' humor?" said the conductor. "Bet yer life I'm outer Yuma," said the cow-boy; "druther frizzle in a fryin'-pan." Goose. Hear the fox preach to the geese. Novelty sets the gabbling geese agape. When the coyote yelps corral your geese. Gospel. The gospel of God is written in every blade of grass. Gossip. Gossip and Liar are twins. Hear-say is her-say. One tongue is enough for gossip, but she wags it in all tongues. She sugars her tea with gossip and peppers her chops with scandal. Govern Government. A wise government should lead the people, not follow them. We are all stock-holders in the government watch the directors. Government by the mob is anarchy. Where Grex is Rex God help the hapless land. To govern well one should first learn to obey. Grain. The earth is but a grain of sand, An atom in a shoreless sea. Fame A grist of words and a grain of sense. Don't rub a man against the grain. Grandfather. He is but an echo of an echo; his grandfather was a man. 76 LACONICS We know more than our grandfathers and our grand-children will know more than we. Grapes. The best grapes hang highest. If you can't reach the grapes don't cry sour] try a step-ladder. Sweet grapes make sour wine. Gratitude. The gratitude of the selfish is only a bid for further favors. If you do a "hog" a favor he will only grunt his gratitude. Gravity. Gravity may be the robe of wisdom or the cloak of a dunce. Don't imagine that you are the center of gravity. Great Greatness. The great are great only because we are little. Better be great among the little than little among the great. It is better to be great in little things than little in great things. He is greatest who has done most for his fellow men. The beginnings of great things are little things. Greek. Priests, versed in dead rituals, in dead language deep, Talk Greek to the grex and Latin to their sheep, And feed their flocks a flood of cant and college For every drop of sense or useful knowledge The Devil and the Monk. Grief. Pent up grief breaks the bones. Great grief cures little griefs. Grief was petrified in her face. She wears weeds for her dead husband and grieves for another. LACONICS 77 Guilt Guilty. Guilt fears its own shadow. "How say you, guilty or not guilty," said the judge to Pat who was indicted for larceny. "Bless yer sowl, how the divil can Oi tell till Oi hear the ividence," said Pat. To spare the guilty is to punish the innocent. (After Lord Coke.) The face of the guiltiest often looks the most inno- cent. H Habit. Habit is as powerful as a pair of mules. All men are slaves, yea, some are slaves to wine, And some to women, some to shining gold, But all to habit and to customs old. The Reign of Reason. The best way to cure a had habit is never to ac- quire it. Bad habits are at first cobwebs, at last, fetters. Hair. He whose sinewy arms Might break through bars of steel like bands of straw, Caught in the net of her unloosened hair, A helpless prisoner lies and loves his chains. Change. Ah the best of men are tangled Sometimes tangled in the tresses Of a fair and crafty woman. The Sea Gull Half. A half truth is a whole lie. Don't be half and half in anything. Hammer. Men of mettle are made between the ham- mer and the anvil. 78 LACONICS Hand-saw buck-saw. He lathers you with a scrub- broom and shaves you with a hand-saw. He is a boss-carpenter he handled a buck-saw in Sweden. Handsome. Most women would rather be handsome than good. A handsome woman is a pit-fall for herself. Happiness Happy. Happy is he who thinks himself happy. Had man the blessed wisdom of content Happy were he, as wise Horatius sung, To whom God gives enough with sparing hand. Men. You cannot weigh happiness with scales or measure it with a yard-stick. Fools travel in search of happiness; a wise man finds it at home. Happiness depends more upon health than wealth. Count yourself happy if God gives you bread and sleep. Hard. It is hard sledding where there is no snow. A hard father, a hardy son. It is hard to break an old horse. Hardship. Power is developed by peril and hard- ship. What our forefathers considered comfort we would call hardship. Harp. The sweetest harp of heaven Were hateful if it played the selfsame tune Forever. Change. The only harp he plays on is a Jew's harp. He is always harping on one string. LACONICS 79 If angels have musical instruments, the angels that emigrated from the Highlands of Scotland prob- ably play on bag-pipes. Harvest. "What will the harvest be?" What was the seed, the soil and the cultivation ? Haste hasty. Be always in haste, but never in a hurry. Hurry and worry, fluster and flurry. Who judges others hastily, condemns himself. Hat. A silk hat; a fine cover for a cracked pot. Hats are made to make bald heads. Hatch. It takes a long time to hatch stale eggs. He is always brooding but never hatches a "chick." Hate hatred. Hatred is a hard burden for him who carries it. His face is petrified Hate. I hate a woman in pants and a man in petticoats. Hay. Make hay while the sun shines and when it rains get under the rick. Head. Let head and heart go hand in hand, Nor one behind the other; Then where the head may find a man The heart will find a brother. Carry a level head and a close mouth or you will spill yourself. His head will never fill his pocket. There can be but one head to a happy family. Don't think more of your hat than your head. It is better to have a good head for a hat, than a fine hat for the head. 80 LACONICS "Two heads are better than one" if they can agree. It is better to be the head of the Commons than the tail of the Lords. The head is rare that conquers the heart. A woman's head is in her heart. You can't get to the head without a head. Health. Good health is better than a gold mine. It is only the sick that know the value of health. Health is happiness. He is a fool who would sacrifice health for wealth. Hear. Hear both sides and say nothing. Hearsay. Hearsay is mostly her-say. Hearsay is a peddler of lies. Heart. What cometh from the heart goes to the heart. The well-spring of our best thoughts is in the heart. Nor reason rules the head, but aye the heart: The head is weak, the throbbing heart is strong; But when the heart is right, the head is not far wrong. The Reign of Reason. The heart speaks all tongues: Everybody understands the language of the heart. Human hearts beat in pairs. The heart of a woman will out-reason the head of a philosopher. A willing heart finds time. Pray for a stout heart and a strong arm. Heed. Take heed of a silent man lest you stir up a lion. Heir. Man is the heir of his own deeds. LACONICS 81 Hell. Harrow hell and rake up devils. There is so much Hell on earth what need is there of a Hell hereafter? Help. A man is his own best helper. Help is a hindrance to him who does not try to help himself. You can't help a man who will not help himself. Hen. It is a sorry roost where the hen crows and the cock cackles. Hero heroism. Fortune and fortitude make heroes. As wheat is winnowed out in the wind, so are heroes winnowed out in war. A moral hero is the greatest of all heroes. Don't mistake a boaster for a hero. Heroes are ever modest. Men who were moral cowards have been writ into heroes in history. History (his-story) has made heroes out of braggarts. A mere brute can never be a hero. A real hero don't need a megaphone or a staff of press-reporters. The true hero has a kind heart. Highway. He left the highway for a by-way and fell into a fen. Himself. He who serves himself has a good servant and a wise master. He who disparages himself to others expects praise. The man who is tired of himself seeks bad company. However rich, he who lives for himself alone is poor indeed. A man can bridle a bronco easier than he can bridle himself. 82 LACONICS He knows much who knows himself. In his eulogy of the dead he endeavored to build a monument to himself. History. History should be spelled H-i-s-s-t-o-r-y. All history is the register, we find, Of the crimes and lusts and miseries of mankind. The Reign of Reason. Most history is a mixed mass of facts and fiction. Hit. He made a good hit he hit himself. Hobby hobby-horse. Every man has his hobby if it is only a goat. No use trying to put a halter on a hobby-horse. Get thee a hobby-horse, be it only .a he-goat. Fast horses are expensive but hobby-horses cost more. Astraddle his hobby-horse he rides like a Don. He rides a stuffed hobby-horse and thinks it a Pegasus. When he was a little boy he rode a hobby-horse; now he rides a hobby. Holiday. There is no holiday in the calendar of Nature every day is a work-day. Holiday was at first a Holy-day. It is now a jolly- day. That's better. Home. A home is home if it is only a hut. "Home, sweet home" is the song of the bees. Homer. But for Homer we would have no Hector, no Achilles. Seven cities strove for Homer's bones, 'tis said, Through which the living Homer begged for bread. Honesty. No honest man has need of a rogue. LACONICS 83 Diogines went with a lantern in search of an honest man. If he had been honest himself he needn't have gone beyond his tub. Nothing so much resembles an honest man as a shrewd rascal. He demands double pay for being honest. Honey. Honey in the mouth is money in the purse. Honey is easily turned into vinegar. Flattery is honey-tongued. Honor. Honors may do for small change but they won't pay board-bills. The path to honor is up-hill. Great honors are great burdens, but most men think their shoulders broad enough to bear them. Deserve honor and you will honor yourself. Guard your honor as you guard your life. Honor cannot long outlive honesty. Hope. Lose hope, lose all. Hope: don't mope. The star of hope lights the shadow of death. For aye since the morning of man Since the human rose up from the brute Hath Hope, like a beacon of light, Like a star in the rift of the storm, Been writ by the finger of God On the longing hearts of men. Lines on the Death of Captain Coates. Hope, ahead, regret, behind. Hope is eggs on toast for breakfast, meat for dinner and bones for supper. Pity the man who has outlived his hopes. Hornet hornet's nest. Attack a hornet's nest with fire. 84 LACONICS As well put your nose into a hornet's nest as mix in a war among women. Horse horse-shoe. Don't buy a raw-boned horse; you might as well try to fatten a fanning-mill by running oats through it. A he-goat is better than no horse. House. A house should be built for yourself not for the eyes of others. Two small rooms and lots of love make a palace for a pair. Human humanity. If you would learn human nature study all manner of men. We all of us are human, except the other brutes. Humanity embraces a few wise men, many good men, and a lot of brutes. He is hardly human who has merely shed his gorilla teeth and his monkey tail. Hunger. Hunger will make a watch-dog a thief. Hungry. A hungry man dreams of a feast. Hungry for hope, they gulp a moldy creed And dine on faith. The Devil and the Monk. Hungry men are always radicals. Hunt. Plenty of hunting but no game. Don't hunt for trouble you'll find enough without. He is always hunting for a "soft job" while his wife and children are hunting for bread. Hurry. Hurry and worry cost much and accomplish little. In a hurry, in a flurry. Hurry and worry in any weather go together. LACONICS 85 Husband. Where the husband is fire and the wife is tow The scratch of a match will make it go. The calmest husbands make the stormiest wives. Honor the woman who mends her husband's stock- ings and sews on his shirt buttons. Hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is the mother of knaves. The hypocrite steals with one hand and gives alms in public with the other. The hypocrite prays in public and sins in secret. A hypocrite prays to God that he may prey upon his fellow men. He prays on his knees all day Sunday, And preys on his neighbors the rest of the week. I I can't. "I can't" never can. Ice. Cold as ice, cruel as a tigress. Monsieur I'Empereur, if your Max can get out With the hair of his head on he'd better, no doubt. If you'll not take it hard, here's a bit of advice: It is dangerous for big pigs to dance on the ice; They sometimes slip up and they sometimes slip in, And the ice you are on is exceedingly thin. New Year's Address, Jan. 1, 1866. Ideals. Dreamed O my soul and was it all a dream ? We chase the ideal and miss the real. How often in modern days, the ideal has become the real. 86 LACONICS The ideal precedes the real. The "ideal" led Columbus to the discovery of America. The "Ideal" led Don Quixote to charge on a wind- mill. If. Drop your "ifs" and your "buts" and butt into it. He would have caught the hare, but he stumbled over an "if." Butt me with no "buts" and "if" me no "ifs." I stated the facts, but he came at me with a "but." Idle idleness. 'Tis worse than idle to regret. Idleness is full of envy. The indolent man waits for something to turn up; the diligent man don't wait; he turns it up him- self. Idol idolatry. In this age men no longer kneel before images of brass or stone, but they still have an idol "the Almighty Dollar." Thou art the god of thine idolatry. Idolatry it began in the garden of Eden and will end only with the end of man. Ignorance ignorant. Ignorance and superstition are twin sisters. There is no stubbornness like ignorance. The ignorant carry burdens for the wise. The devil is still abroad in the world; his other name is Ignorance. To be ignorant of your ignorance is the worst igno- rance. Behold the serried ranks of Truth advance, And stubborn Science shakes her shining lance Full in the face of stolid Ignorance. The Reign of Reason. LACONICS 87 Ignorance and Fear go hand in hand. The Reign of Reason. Lo in the midst we stand; we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. Alas, the more we know the less we know we know. The Reign of Reason. Ignorance and arrogance are twins. Ignis Fatuus. Don't chase an ignis fatuus hoe your potatoes. Imagine. We easily imagine what we earnestly desire. He imagined he had a gold mine, but found, at last, that it was only a hole in the ground. Imitation. The monkey imitates man and man imitates the monkey. Imitation is as good as gold till some ' 'hard-head" rings it on the counter. Immodest immodesty. Immodesty is become fash- ionable. What is modesty ? it is one thing among the Hot- tentots and quite another thing among white women. Immortality. And is there life beyond this life below ? Aye, is death death ? or but a happy change From night to light, on angel wings to range And sing the songs of seraphs as we go ? Alas, the more we know the less we know we know. The Reign of Reason. 88 LACONICS What is the soul and whither will it fly? We only know that matter cannot die, But lives and lived through all eternity, And ever turns from hoary age to youth. And is the soul not worthier than the dust? The Reign of Reason. Impatience. A little impatience pricked into some men with a hair-pin might be good medicine. I like to see a man a little impatient; he "means business." Imperfection. Look not for faultless men or faultless art; Small faults are ever virtue's parasites; As in a picture shadows show the lights, So human foibles show the human heart. Poetry. Impossible impossibility. Everything is impossible to him who is afflicted with the Cant's. "Impossible?" said Napoleon, "that word is not in my dictionary." But he found it at Waterloo. Improvidence. Go to poverty and improvidence for dogs and children. Waste, idleness and improvidence are the banes of the poor. Impulse impulsive. Do it on the impulse of a week. Impulsive people make most mistakes. A man or woman without a generous impulse is a relic of the "Ice Age." Income. See that your out-go is less than your in- come. Inconsistency. Our opponents set our inconsistency before us as a stumbling block. LACONICS 89 It is better to be inconsistent than to be wrong. The man who is never inconsistent is not made of bones, blood and brains, he is hewn out of granite, and stands a dumb monument. Inconstancy. Constantly inconstant and fickle as a fly. Incredulity. Wise men there are for owls are counted wise Who love to leave the lamp-lit paths behind, And chase the shapeless shadow of a doubt. Men. Indigestion. Better have little food for your stomach than little stomach for your food. That little judge with squint eyes has a wonderful digestion; he has digested all the digests; no wonder he squirms on the bench. Individuality. As an individual, I am an individual ; but I'm only a little polliwog in the big frog-pond. Indolence. Indolence is the dry-rot of body and mind. Indolence hatches a brood of evils. Indolence grows on people. The more one does the more he can do. Indolence is a dog's life. Industry. Industry is the alchemy that turns all things into gold. The slave, the idler, are alike unblessed, Aye, in loved labor only is there rest. Poetry. Steel and the mind grow bright by constant use; In rest they rust. Poetry. 90 LACONICS Poets are born, not made, some scribbler said, And every rhymster thinks the saying true: Better unborn than wanting labor's aid: Aye, all great poets, all great men are made Between the hammer and the anvil. Poetry. Infinite. We are linked to the infinite past and the infinite future. In the finite find the infinite. Ingratitude. Ingratitude is a crime so shameful that no man will acknowledge himself guitly of it. Inherit inheritance. Leave your son education, honesty and industry; they are the best inheri- tance. We inherit "way back" to the monkey, the croco- dile and the devil-fish. He inherits the most of his follies from himself. Injury. He who does you an injury will never forgive you. If you have done an injury, go like a man, acknow- ledge and repair it. An injury to the state is an injury to every citizen. Injustice. He that defends an injustice commits it. Inquiry. If you would know your faults inquire of your enemies. Insanity. The marrow-maddening canker-worm of love Feeds on the brains of wise men as on fools'. Men. He is insane? of course he is; everybody is insane. There are different degrees of insanity from Plato LACONICS 91 and Cato down to the driveling idiots that write "poetry" for the "Atlantic Monthly," and the "Century Magazine." Insignificant. Even the low hum of the little mos- quito is significant. In his own conscious insignificance he trusts. Insight. Insight is the sixth sense; all the other senses contribute to it. Instinct. Instinct is inherited reason. Behold the brutes' unerring instinct guides True as the pole star, while man's reason leads How oft to quicksands and the hidden reefs. Men. Intention. They say Hell is paved with good in- intentions. That kind of pavement would wear out in a week on Wall street. Interest. Most men carry their hearts in their pockets. Little Hebrew "Vater, dies book say dot de monish don't bring de happiness." Father "Dot ish drue, mein sohn; it ish not de monish vat bring de happiness, it ish de interest on de monish vat bring de happiness." (This is stolen from somebody; but it brings "de happi- ness.") Intolerable. Intolerable a talkative man who has nothing to say. Jack. "Every Jack has his Gill" is an old saying, but Jack is seldom satisfied with less than a quart; and often takes a gal-on. 92 LACONICS Jackass. The bray of a jackass is music to the whole tribe of asses. If he won't kick when he's kicked, he is only a donkey. Jest joke. Jests are jests, but wasps are wasps. That jest must be a good one it has stood the test of time. Jim Hill. "Jim Hill is a robber!" said the Governor of Minnesota. "While I am giving bread to tens of thousands, you are doing your 'level best' to pull down the bakery," replied Hill. Joke. He that laughs at his own joke makes stale beer of it. Among the "Four Hundred" a bashful man is a standing joke. A joke without wit is a joke on the joker. "Mark Twain had been perpetrating "jokes" on his friends at a dinner party. A friend retorted: "The only real joke I have heard tonight is Mark Twain himself." Joy. No joy without annoy; No gold without alloy. Judge. You can't judge the inside by the outside. If you would justly judge the conduct of another, get into his shoes. A just judge will have two ears open; a narrow judge will have but one. He is a little judge just big enough to wiggle on the bench. A shrewd judge of men is easily duped by a woman. Judgement. Wit and good judgment make a strong man. LACONICS 93 Jury. The jury was "hung," and the prisoner escaped. The grand aim of our constitution, our laws and the practice of our courts is to get twelve "damfools" into a jury box. A few drops of salt water from a woman's eyes often win the verdict of a jury. Just. O fickle Fortune, how thy favors fall Like rain upon the just and the unjust. Pauline. Justice. Justice is blind in one eye and cross-eyed in the other. Justice is blind, 'tis said, and deaf and old, But in her scales can hear the clink of gold. The Devil and the Monk. "Justice is blind," and that is the reason she so often strikes the wrong man. How often cross-eyed justice hits amiss. Men. If you ask justice do justice. Justice is the noblest virtue of all. Justice? Justice? What is Justice? That is the question. Justice is true mercy who spares the guilty pun- ishes the innocent. Who judges others hastily condemns himself. Justice is blind, 'tis said, and deaf and cold: Oft with her poise shrewd villains play their tricks ; They sometimes touch her sacred scales with gold Or soil her sandaled, feet in politics. Men. K Kick. If you kick all the stones in your path you will have sore toes. 94 LACONICS Kill. To kill time is to kill yourself. In war both sides kill men for God's sake. It is easier to kill than to cure. Kindness. Goats' milk is good for invalids, but the milk of human kindness is good for everybody. Kill your enemies with kindness. Human kindness is often cruelty. The cruelty of Nature is kindness. Kindle. The heart is kindled by the lips of love. One little boy with a fire-cracker can kindle a fire that the whole "Department" can't put out. Kingdom. An acre of earth is worth more than a kingdom in the clouds. Kinsman kin. The rich man has a thousand cousins. You are nearest kin to yourself. We are akin to all mankind and second cousins to- the apes. Kitchen. The nation lives on the kitchen. The kitchen is the most important room in the house. The kitchen costs more than the parlor. A fat kitchen makes a pleasant home. Don't scrimp the kitchen to put pictures in the front hall. A slut in the kitchen, a sloven everywhere. Knave knavery. Where fools are scarce knaves go hungry. He can tell a knave by his looks when he looks in a mirror. The biggest knaves often wear angel faces. Know. The more we learn, the less we know we know. LACONICS 95 What you know is a drop; what you don't know is an ocean. What man knows is but a grain of sand in the whole universe. It is easier to know what should be done than how to do it. He knows everybody but himself. The man who knows the least talks the most. Taint no use tu send a brayin' ass Tu eny cullege-school, Per the less he knows the more he knows, Like eny ether fool. Bronco Bill. Knowledge. Great knowledge is great doubt. To acquire knowledge and not use it, is to gather seed and never sow. Boil your knowledge down into practical common sense. We can at most know but little; let us know that little well. If he knew more he would know less. Knowledge begins with doubt and ends in doubt. He who knows but little is a long time telling it. Virtue is safe only when it is armed with knowledge. Zeal without knowledge runs into ditches in broad day-light. If you would know how much any man knows, find out what use he makes of it. Knowledge sometimes comes too early often too late. There are plenty of stumbling blocks in the path of knowledge. 96 LACONICS Labor. The slave, the idler are alike unblessed; Aye, in loved labor only is there rest. Poetry. The cheapest labor is the dearest. Labor is light when your heart is in it. The fruit of labor is sweeter than a stolen peach. The most sacred right of civilized man is the right to work. Lady. She only is a lady who is kind to everybody. It don't take silks and satins to make a lady. Nature makes ladies, fashion makes fools. Lame. Walk with the lame and you will learn to limp. His excuse is lame; it needs crutches. Land. He who owns an acre of land owns to the center of the earth and up to heaven. Don't divide your lands till you have folded your hands. Your land will not plow and plant itself and harvest the crop. I have not yet found the land where lemons and sugar and ice grow on the same tree. Language. He can 'speak ten languages, but he can't talk common-sense in one. He can smatter in ten tongues, dictionaries are cheap. Lark. A leg of a lark is better than the breast of a buzzard. Up from the dewy meadow wheels the lark, And trills his welcome to the rising sun, And lo another day of labor is begun. Poetry. LACONICS 97 Last laster. "I have pegged my last," sighed the dying cobbler. He spoiled at last a skillful laster, To make a durn poor poetaster. Late. "Better late than never," said the priest when the pardon arrived just after the execution. Laugh laughter. If you laugh at others, others will laugh at you. He laughs in one eye and winks with the other. Loud laughter fits the mouth of a fool. She is so full of laughter that she giggles at a funeral. He who is laughed at by fools is praised by the wise. Laughter is catching. When you tell a joke laugh, and they will all laugh at you. "He laughs best who laughs last?" No, sir; he laughs best who smiles. Law. The laws of man should not conflict with the laws of Nature. Laws grind the poor and rich men grind the laws. (From Goldsmith's line: "Laws grind the poor and rich men rule the laws.") The more laws the more law-breakers. The more laws the more lawyers; the more lawyers, the less justice. What power hath the law without public opinion behind it? The multitudinous meshes of the laws strangle our liberties. We suffer alike from too much law and too much liberty. Law-suit. Success in a law-suit requires a big purse, a sharp lawyer, 'good witnesses and twelve of your friends on the jury. 98 LACONICS A bottle of beer is cheaper than a law-suit. Never buy a law-suit; better buy a suit of clothes. Lawyer. The more lawyers the less justice. The more lawyers the more criminals escape justice. The more lawyers the less murderers, and the more juries, are hung. Nobody charges for advice but the lawyer and the doctor; and the less you buy of them the better. If you want to get into trouble consult a lawyer. Laziness lazy. Laziness is a disease that requires a prod to cure it. A lazy man is rarely lazy at the dinner table. A lazy man likes to fish. A lazy man keeps three dogs and one pig. A lazy man's wife milks the cow and feeds the pig. Most lazy men have the "rumytics." A lazy farmer is the last to plow his field and sow his seed. A lazy man is always waiting for something to turn up; the industrious man turns it up himself. The lazy man sits on a log and waits for the rabbit to come to him. The lazy man gets ready to shoot after the ducks have flown past. A lazy man waits for a ride in another man's wagon. Lead leader. If you would be a leader take the lead. A flock of geese always has a leader. The gander leads the geese. A good soldier will follow his leader. When we think we lead we are only following. In harvest let the farmer lead his harvesters and his grain will be garnered. LACONICS 99 When the fox leads the geese there will be plenty of quacking. The captain: "Boys, you are going into hell-fire: remember your country and follow the flag." "Plaze take the lead yerself, Sor," said private Pat. Learn. Never too late to learn; never too old to get burnt. Live to learn and learn to live. Learn to study and study to learn. A wise man keeps on learning all his life. Learning. Learn alike from the follies of the foolish and the wisdom of the wise. Learning, like gold coin, passes current in all countries. Fill the basement with common sense, and the upper floors with learning. Liberality. Don't be liberal with other people's money. Be liberal, but don't forget to be liberal with your- self. Liberty. Liberty and Justice are Siamese twins; if one dies the other dies. The true pedestal of liberty is justice. When liberty slashes the scales of justice she is fit for a mad-house. The worst tyranny is Liberty run mad. Liberty is the right to do right. Give the ignorant liberty and watch the cat-fight. Liberty is no boon to the ignorant. Lie liars. The liar is always a coward and the coward is always a liar. Liars begin by deceiving others, but end by deceiv- ing themselves. 100 LACONICS Out of the womb of one lie are hatched a whole litter. He patches his lies with bits of truth. Never tell a lie, but do not always tell the truth. The most dangerous lie is a half -truth. A lie is a lie, no matter who utters it. A lie can not stand long on its own legs; you must prop it up with another. He that spins yarns like a spider will get caught in his own meshes. It is hard enough to maintain the truth, but much harder to maintain a lie. "Man everywhere is the born enemy of lies." Car- lyle. And still man is the only liar. A lie runs fast but truth overtakes it at last. "They say" is a liar. O timid Truth, that quails before the fire, Thy face assumes the likeness of a liar. One truth will fit in with any other truth; no lie will exactly fit another lie. Never turn your back on the truth and always face a lie. Life. Life is the mystery of mysteries. He that learns most lives longest. Is life worth living ? That depends on the liver. Life is half spent before we know what it is. All life grows out of death. Life is a work-day; at sunset, rest. We can all see how we ought to have lived in the past, and how we should live in the future, but few see how they ought to live now. We have life from the womb to the grave, yet we know not what or whence it is. Most men live behind a curtain. Life is about what we make it. LACONICS 101 Life is made up of trifles, take heed of the trifles. Life gives us an insight into nothing. Light. Men lift their foreheads to the rising sun, And lo the reign of reason is begun. The Reign of Reason. Earth wheeled her million circuits round the sun, While man from bestial dens and savagedom Slowly uprose and groping into light, Stood face to face with Fate. Columbus. Excessive light is total darkness. Great light makes great shadows. We stand in the shadow of a great light. Light and darkness are all one to a blind man. It is idle to hold a lamp for a blind man. Lightning. The thunder threatens, but the lightning strikes. Lincoln. From the fetters of the slave he forged the weapons of the free. When the time is ripe God sends the man. Columbus. Link. A broken link, a broken chain. We are but links in an endless chain. Through us the infinite past is linked to the infinite future. The marriage ring is the first link in the chain of ser- vitude. The weakest link breaks the chain. Lion. A lion in war, a lamb in peace. A lion at a distance is often a spaniel when you meet him. A lion never wears the ears of an ass. 102 LACONICS Literature. What stacks of chaff to every ounce of wheat the literary machines of the day thresh out. Little little things. Don't be little in great things, nor great in little things. It is not profitable to run afar after big things and neglect the little things that lie all around you. Too much is as bad as too little. The beginnings of all great things are little things. Load. A man never knows his strength until he has carried a load. No man walks steadily unless he carries a load. Log-cabin. A log-cabin is a palace if inhabited by happiness. Lone. Never so much alone as when in a great city. I have the best company when alone with good books. Loquacity. They talk most who have the least to say. Lord. What devilish crimes have been committed in the name of the Lord. He lords it like an ass in uniform. He lords it with a brass band and a big stick. He lords it like an ass in an arm-chair. He lords it like a grizzly bear among a drove of donkies. He's the monarch of all he surveys; His right there is none to dispute; From the center all round to the seas He's the lord and the fowl and the brute. Parody. Lose. Better lose a leg than your life. LACONICS 103 Loss. A loss is often a benefit. A great loss is sometimes a great gain. Lost. Where you lost it is the place to find it. Don't waste a dollar's worth of time looking for a lost penny. Lot. Be content with your lot especially if it's a corner lot. Lottery. In the lottery of life the best draw for a poor devil is his last. If you have a hankerin' to play the lottery the best prize you can draw is a blank. Love. The sweeter the moments the swifter they fly; Love takes no account of the fleeting hours; He walks in a dream 'mid the blooming of flowers, And never awakes till the blossoms die. The Feast of the Virgins. Baked potatoes and salt are a feast when love sits at the table. Love and fear rule the world. Love makes fools of the wise. Love is both credulous and jealous. Love covers many faults. Calf love soon becomes sour milk. Love, like the mealses, is "ketchin." Love-sick. For love-sickness time and another girl are the best medicine. Lubricate. Lubricate! lubricate! oil prevents friction. Luck. Luck comes to him who works for it. Pluck is better than luck. 104 LACONICS "Pitch a lucky man into the Nile and he will come up with a fish in his mouth," says the Arabian proverb. They tried it recently and the poor fellow went down in the jaws of a crocodile. Jim Hill Jim Hill, yer ful uf skill, Hard work, an' pluck, an' luck, Jim: I niver knowd yer duin' ill, Er quackin' like a duck, Jim. Bronco Bill, Cow Boy Ballads. In hard luck hold out, in good luck hold in. One hour of good luck is better than a week's work Lust. Lust ends in disgust. Luxury. Luxury breeds lechery. Luxury and the arts flourish together. Luxury! Luxury! What is luxury? Baked potatoes and salt to a hungry man, a raw fish to a starving Indian. Luxury breeds cowards. Republics breed luxury and poverty and end in anarchy. M Mad madness. All men were mad but Burton and he died of "Melancholy." Wisdom and madness are near akin. There is only an imaginary line between a great genius and a madman. It is madness to live poor to die rich. Magnanimity magnanimous. Be magnanimous to your friends and your self. Magnanimity is wasted on a jackass. LACONICS 105 Main chance. The main chance is the best chance. Money. With most men money is the main thing. The burden of a big fortune is a heavy load. Happy is he, as wise Horatius sung, To whom God gives enough with sparing hand. Money may be either a blessing or a curse. "Money makes the mare go" kicking her heels and jumping over the fence. Many a poor boy is ruined by his father's money. Majority. The wise are seldom in the majority. Where Grex is Rex God help the hapless land. Men. The headless herd are but a noise of wind; Sometimes alas, the wild tornado's roar. As full of freaks as curs are full of fleas, Like gnats they swarm, like flies they buzz and breed. Men. Hurra ! Hurra ! Hurra ! for "Liberty' ' ! Flaunt the red flag and flutter the petticoat; Ran-tan the drums and let the bugles bray, The eagle scream and ninety million throats Sing Yankee-doodle- Yankee-doodle-doo. Men. Majority. The rule of the majority is often rank tyranny. In the United States the majority is authority. The minority has no rights which the majority feels bound to respect. Malice. Malice strikes with venomed fang. He is a little man that harbors malice. Man. Man is a creature of a thousand whims; The slave of hope and fear and circumstance; Through toil and martyrdom a million years 106 LACONICS Struggling and groping upward from the brute, And ever dragging still the brutish chains. Men. Princes and parasites comprise mankind. Men. Where one man is born to lead ten thousand are born to follow. What is a mountain to one man, is a mole-hill to another. He who berates mankind should remember that he is one of them. A man must be something to do something. "Gentlemen," cried a stump speaker, "is not one man as good as another?" "Av coorse 'e is," shouted an excited Irishman, "an* a dom sight better." In all nature man's worst enemy is man. Man is midway between an angel and a brute. Man concentrates in himself the whole animal kingdom from jelly-fish to jackass. Man cannot dispense with woman; he couldn't be born without her. Man is a miracle. He had not a hatchet to begin with Behold what he has made! Man considers himself the cause and aim of Creation ; so does the mosquito. A man is either good or good for nothing. A man can change his mind, a mule can't, but mule-men are numerous. Man is at bottom a brute. "Ransack creation in and out Through all its crooks and crannies, You'll never find another brute, As big a brute as man is." Henry C. Waite. Man is as free as a chained dog. LACONICS 107 Every man is good for something, if only to laugh at. It is not fair to measure all men by one man. Man cannot cancel a word that Nature has written. Management. Management is the main thing. Good management achieves success. Manhood. There is a spark of manhood in the mean- est man. Manners. Nothing pays better than good manners. Fortune waits on good manners. Nothing soils fine clothes like bad manners. Good manners are kindness and consideration for others. Good manners, good morals. Marriage. Choose your wife as you would your coat, for qualities that will wear. By the time a man really knows enough to marry he knows enough not to. The marriage ring is the first link in the chain of servitude. Marriage is like a bird cage. The birds outside are anxious to get in, and the "ins" are anxious to get out. When the man is fire and the woman is tow A wee little match and a wee little scratch Will start a big flame and a deil of a row. It is too early to marry at twenty-one, at one hun- dred it is a little too late. Martyr martyrdom. If you must be a martyr provide for your family beforehand. Every man is willing to be a martyr in a good cause if he can see money in it. The fourteen poor women the Puritans hanged for witches in Salem were martyrs to "Christian charity." 108 LACONICS Mask. The world is a masked ball, and you are one of the dancers. The mask falls off and behold the lion is a jack- rabbit. Nature never intended man to wear a mask she writes him on his face. Politicians pander to the masses. The masses bray like asses. Master. Whatever good work you undertake , master it. If you would be master of men, master yourself. Matches. Matches are made in heaven? Mistake, my dear, they go off at a scratch and you soon smell brimstone. Matrimony. His pulse beats matrimony. Try matrimony, my dear little sonny, At twenty-five with a frugal wife, And lots of love and a little money. The "outs" want in and the "ins" want out. Matter. We are three- Known, yet unknown unfathomable to man Time, Space, and Matter pregnant with all life, Immortals older than the oldest orb. We were and are forever: out of us Are all things sons and satellites, midge and man. Beyond. We only know that matter cannot die: And is the soul not worthier than the dust ? The Reign of Reason. No atom lost and not one atom gained, Though fire to vapor melt the adamant, Or feldspar fall in drops of summer rain. Beyond. LACONICS 109 Worlds wax and wane, suns crumble into dust, But matter pregnant with immortal life, Hath, since the white-haired centuries wheeled the vast, Nor lost nor gained. Who made it, and who made The Maker? Beyond. Maxim. Maxims are the wisdom of the world boiled down. Don't fire maxims at me with a Maxim gun. May-be. Ten may-be' s don't make an is. May-be' s fly all the year round. May-be' s and "ifs" fly together. He expects his honey from may-be' s. Mayor. If you would reform a city, start in on the mayor. Mean meanness. The meanest man on earth is he who betrays a friend. Means. If "the end justifies the means" burn your house to get rid of the rats. Measure. You measure every man by yourself. Measure the ocean with a drinking-cup! Measure eternity by the town-clock! Nay, with a yard- stick measure the universe! Measure for measure, measure God by man! Men. Medicine. A contented mind is the best medicine. Take your "medicine" like a man. The doctor don't take his own medicine. The medicine that cured the cobbler killed the tailor. 110 LACONICS Medium. There is a medium between a fool and philosopher. Proverb Yes, a spirit medium that fools them both. Meek meekness. He is one of the ' 'meek and lowly :' ' lookout for your chickens. Meet. Meet danger half-way. Meet a coward face to face and he will flunk. Meet the liar face to face. Melancholy. The melon-cholic days are come, The saddest of the year, When bad boys jump the melon-patch With a bull-dog in the rear. (Parody) Melancoly ain't no good: take a dose of "spirits'* and git rid of it. Bronco Bill. Memory. It is easy to forget what we do not wish to remember. His forgetery is better than his memory. Our memories are too long or too short. Let memory be your monitor. Men. Men are prone to remember your faults and forget your virtues. Man is a creature of a thousand whims, The slave of hope and fear and circumstance. Men. Men seek for silver in the distant hills, While in the sand gold glimmers at their feet. Men. Give him the gold of Ophir, still he delves; Give him the land and he demands the sea; Give him the earth, he reaches for the stars. Men. LACONICS ill I had rather be a great man in a little house, than a little man in a great house. A man must be something to do something. Men have been learning error age on age, And superstition is their heritage, Bequeathed from age to age and sire to son Since the dim history of the world began. The Reign of Reason. There are three kinds of men, the man that falls back, the man that sits on a log and grumbles, and the man that strides forward with doubters hanging to his coat-tail. Men do not lack strength; they lack courage. The nearer you get to a great man the smaller he is. Men are led by their desires. Men admire in themselves what they sneer at in others. If nature can't make men equal, how can men do it ? Men are rare, there are millions of "two-legged animals without feathers." Men mold their virtues to suit their interests. Men are only grown up babies. Everybody likes to shake hands with a hand full of money. Men are mixtures of good and evil. It is not fair to measure all men by one man. Most men have hind-sight, some fore-sight and a rare few circum-sight. Hungry men are always radicals. Mend. "It is never too late to mend," said the cobbler when there was nothing left of the shoe but the string. "Never too late to mend," never too stout to bend. 112 LACONICS Mercy. Nature knows no mercy; her laws are "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." Where there is doubt let mercy decide. Can the merciless expect mercy? Merit. Audacity often wins where merit fails. Metaphysics. What neither speaker or listener can understand they call "Metaphysics." Don't physic us with metaphysics. Method. Method is a time-saver. A man without method spends half his time in hunting for things mislaid. Mettle metal. Let men know what metal you are made of. He has too much mettle for a blind "hoss" Midst. Lo in the midst we stand; we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend, In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. Might. In war might is the measure of right. Right makes might and might makes right. Millionaire. One bottle of wine will make him a millionaire. A millionaire and a profligate heir. Mind. Steel and the mind grow bright by frequent use; In rest they rust. Poetry. The mind needs a change of food as well as the body. A contented mind is the best medicine. LACONICS 113 Mine. Mine is mine and thine is thine. He has a hole in the ground and he calls it a mine. A mining deal is like the Bismark Gardens in Chi- cago where it costs you "two bits" to get in and "four bits" to get out. Minority. Wise men are always in the minority. In politics when the minority has the chairman the minority has the majority. "Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker," cried a member of Congress when Tom Reed was in the chair, "I doubt if this resolution has the majority." "It has, sir," said Tom Reed, "I have declared it carried; I am the majority." The minority is always on the wrong side. Miracle. God's works are all miracles. A fact is itself a miracle. That men can believe in miracles is itself a miracle. Miser. The miser does not own his gold; his gold owns him. Miserable. Don't make yourself miserable today because you may hear bad news tomorrow. Misery. Misery is in the mind. Who thinks himself miserable is miserable. Misfortune. Our best lessons are learned in mis- fortune. He is fortunate who can bear misfortune nobly. How patiently we endure the misfortune of others. Meet misfortune with fortitude. He who can bear prosperity wisely can bear mis- fortune patiently. When misfortunes come in flocks, fire a battery of maxims at 'em. 114 LACONICS We spend half our lives bewailing misfortunes that never come. In misfortune repentance begins. Miss. Don't "Miss" a vidder. Miss Anthrope married Mr. Crabtree : their children were high-bred (hybrid) crab-apples. Mistake. Mistakes and suffering give us keen eyes and sharp ears. The man that never made a mistake is a liar. Learn from the mistakes of others. We proclaim our triumphs and hide our mistakes. The only sensible thing he ever did was done by mistake. Mistrust. Mistrust, distrust. Moan. The song of songs is a moan. Mob. The mob a many-headed brute. A mob is a monster with many heads and no brains. The headless herd are but a noise of wind; Sometimes, alas, the wild tornado's roar. Men. See jealous labor strike the hand that feeds, And burn the mills that grind their daily bread. Men. The mob is like blind Samson in the temple of Dagon. The fickle mob turns to every breeze. The mob many brainless heads. Where the mad mob rules Liberty runs mad, And justice dies. * * * * O was the blood of patriot fathers shed LACONICS 115 To found an empire governed by the mob Where Freedom falls and Anarchy instead Teaches her hungry wolves to rape and rob ? One Hundred Years Ago. Modesty. True modesty avoids a remote suggestion of evil. Moments. Moments are the atoms of Eternity. Money. Make money your God and it will be- come your Devil. Nothing talks louder than money. She who marries money sells herself. He who loses his money loses his best friend. Money the circulating medium is the life-blood of the nations. In the game of Life money is trumps. He that has honey on his tongue will put money in his purse. He is a wise man who knows how to spend his money. Be the master of money, not its slave. He can find money to bet on a horse race when he can't find money to buy bread for his children. Money is worth what it will buy. Monkey. The monkey is second cousin to all men, and closer kin to many. We have descended (a long way) from the monkey. Don't monkey with a buzz-saw. If we are no longer monkeys let us act like men. He appears to be a cross between a monkey and a pole-cat. Although in silk the monkey dress. He's still a monkey nevertheless. (Trans, from the Spanish.) 116 LACONICS Monopoly. Monopolies fatten a few and beggar a multitude. Throttle the "Trusts" and crush the coils combined That crack our bones and fatten on our fields. Men. Monument. In his eulogy of the dead he endeavored to build a monument to himself. Moon moonshine. Did you ever hear the moon bark back at the dogs? Moonshine is a thin diet. Mortality. Dead in the prime of his years, And laid in the lap of the dust; Only a handful of ashes Moldering down into dust. Lines on the Death of Captain Coates. Mother. Poverty is the mother of genius. The earth is the mother of all. Mother-in-law. Philosophy is a cure for everything but a mother-in-law. Mother-wit. Mother-wit and daddy-grit Will never harm a boy a bit. Mother-land. Living for your mother-land is better than dying for it. Motive. Men are moved by motive. Much too much. Make much of the little you have. Enough is often two much. Multitude. Government by the multitude is^mob- ocracy. LACONICS 117 Must. "Must" will drive "Can't" over a mountain. When Nature commands we must. Myself. The best friend I have is myself. Mystery. I dreamed a dream all mist and m> Paul There is no mystery only mist in our eyes. N Nagging. Nagging is a bad habit; better be a bore. Name. What's in a name? Honor or shame. Where is Caesar ? All that is left is a name. Nations. The American nation was born in a log- cabin. All nations are kin and will some day be one. Nature. There is no mercy in the laws of Nature. Nature demands a fair price for everything. Nature the only perfect artist is: Who studies Nature may approach her skill: Perfection hers, but never can be his, Though her sweet voice his very marrow thrill: The finest work of art are Nature's shadows still. Poetry. Yea, in the womb of Nature slumber still Wonders undreamed and forms beyond compare. Beyond. Nature, like genius, is full of freaks. The wise man studies nature. It is folly to fight against the laws of Nature. 118 LACONICS The facts of Nature are arguments indisputable. Nature makes no mistake ; everything is good for something. Drive nature out at the front door and she'll come in at the back. Nature holds a mortgage on all of us. Nature is always busy doing her best. Nature is the best philosopher, the best poet, the best painter. Nature is the "Holy Bible"; every word in her great book is a fact revealed. Nature never tells a lie. Every word written in nature is in the hand writing of God. Nature creates in pairs. Nature will not adjust herself to us; we must ad- just ourselves to nature. Nature never pardons. He thinks himself an artist he is only a fourth cousin to Nature. Man cannot cancel a word that Nature has written. Necessity. Necessity is a hard master, but a good teacher. Yield to necessity with good grace. Need needy. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Bid the beggar come tomorrow; give to the needy now. Neighbor. Prosperous neighbors make good cus- tomers. He prays on his knees on the Sabbath, And preys on his neighbors the rest of the week. When we are content with ourselves we are content with our neighbors. Self-denial is a great virtue especially in our neighbor. LACONICS 119 Nettle. The best way to handle a nettle is to grasp it with a glove on. New. Tis but a new toot on the same old horn That brayed in ancient Greece and Babylon. Men. Novelty sets the gabbling geese agape, And fickle fashion follows like an ape. Poetry. As the new comes in at the front door the old slips out at the back. The old is new and the new is old. New England. New England has become New Ire- land. News. If you would hear news about yourself ask the gossips. She carries the news in her hat. If you wish to hear the news from the city go into the country. No. "No" is shorter than "Yes." You can say "no" so meekly that it is half a "yes." Learn to say "No" and save time and trouble. Her No is a Yes. Noise noisy. The headless herd are but a noise of wind. Men. Hear the demagogues Fist-maul the wind and weather-cock the crowd, With brazen foreheads full of empty noise, Out-bellowing the bulls of Bashan. Men. Great noise and good sense soon part company. Nose. A man with a long nose rarely pokes it into other peoples' affairs. The long-nosed pig is a whole hog. 120 LACONICS Nothing nothingness. Out of nothing, nothing. Beyond. Where nothing is lost something is gained. Nothing is good for nothing. Life gives us an insight into nothingness. Nothing for nothing. Novelty. Novelty sets the gabbling geese agape, And fickle fashion follows like an ape. Poetry. Novelties cost more than bread. Now. All the time you are sure of is now. Now is all the time you can bet on, do it now. Nut. Don't eat your nut before you crack it. Every man can find plenty of nuts to crack with- out cracking his own "cocoanut." o Oak. Hearts of oak and arms of steel. Up grew in silence through a thousand years The Titian-armed, gnarl- jointed, rugged oak, Rock-rooted. An Old English Oak. For only stalwart ships of oak or steel May dare the deep and breast the billowy sea, When sweeps the thunder-voiced, dark hurricane, And the mad ocean shakes his shaggy mane, And roars through all his grim and vast immensity. Poetry. Oar. The lazy lubber lays on his oars and waits for the wind. Obedience. Obedience to the laws of nature is health and wealth. My feet obey; my heart rebels. He who cannot command must obey. LACONICS 121 Oblivion. Immortal Fame! O dust and death! The centuries as they pass proclaim That fame is but a mortal breath, And man must perish, name and fame. Fame. Dust to dust: What is gained when all is lost ? Gaily for a day we tread Proudly with averted head O'er the ashes of the dead Blind with pride and mad with lust : Dust to dust. Dust to Dust. Obscurity. Seven cities strove for Homer's bones, 'tis said, Through which the living Homer begged for bread. Poetry. What matter if the dust of ages drift Five fathoms deep above my grave unknown. Poetry. Observation. observer. Observe closely; think care- fully. The observer who studies in the school of Time learns much. Observe and think. Obstinacy. No ass so obstinate as ignorance. Men. Perseverance in a good cause is obstinacy in a bad one. Occasion. An occasion lost is lost forever. Catch occasion in front, she is bare behind. Occupation. Idleness is the mother of mischief. 122 LACONICS Steel and the mind grow bright by frequent use; In rest they rust. Poetry. The slave, the idler are alike unblessed, Aye, in loved labor only is there rest. Poetry. Ocean. Measure the ocean with your drinking-cup ? Office. He who desires office most deserves it least. Oil. Lubricate lubricate: oil prevents friction. Pour oil on troubled waters. There is no medicine so good for anger as a little sweet oil. Old bird. An old bird is ware of a gun. You can tell an old bird by her feathers. Old. The old live in grave yards. Give me an old head and a young heart. As the new comes in at the front door the old slips out at the back. The old is new and the new is old. Old age. Some men are born old, some never grow old. Youth is full of blunders that old age regrets. Old age crowned with folly is pitiful. Opinion. When a man asks your opinion he wants you to confirm his. We like the man who is of our own opinion. I ain't no philosopher, nur no prophet, but thet's my opinion and that's the end of it. Bronco Bill. Say, mister, give me yer opinion, Is thet a turnup er an "inion" ? LACONICS 128 Wai, now, sir, it is my opinion That thet's a turnup er an "inion." Bronco Bill. Opinions begin at the top and work down. Weigh the opinions of others; decide by your own. Take the opinions of others and sift them through your own sieve. He who would be right must sometimes change his opinion. Opportunity. A wise man will make more opportuni- ties than a fool can find. If opportunities were flying in flocks, he couldn't tell an opportunity from a black-bird. A wise man makes opportunities while others are watching for them. Opportunity may slip by while you deliberate. A big opportunity rarely appears to a little man. Opposition. Opposition is a whetstone to the fanatic and the wise man alike. Oppression. For ages have the learned of the schools Furnished pack-saddles for the backs of fools. The Reign of Reason. Orator oratory. Truth is the greatest orator. He is not an orator only a wind-mill. His tongue has got in the habit of talking and he can't hold it. His mouth has been open so long, he can't shut it. He has less oratory and more noise than a brass band. Wings and tail-feathers and squawk make a "spread-eagle" orator. 124 LACONICS Order. Order is the daughter of wisdom and the mother of success. Perpetual change is the order of God. Order yourself and keep yourself in order. Originality. I had rather write one word upon the rock Of ages than ten thousand in the sand. Poetry. Many author's are full of original nonsense. Original ? original ? what is original ? original ignorance. Ostentation. The higher he soars the more he flutters his feathers. Other others. The "Golden Rule" applies to your neighbor and not to yourself? Confucius preached the "Golden Rule" 550 years before Jesus was born. If you are right let others flunk, stand "pat." Do your duty by others if they fail to do their duty by you it pays. Remember that other people have eyes, too. Ourselves. We are too easily reconciled to ourselves. We easily pardon in ourselves, what we condemn in others. We build churches for ourselves, not for God. We like to be confessor to others, but not to our- selves. When we are content with ourselves we are content with our neighbors. We own nothing ; we have but a short lease even of ourselves. LACONICS 125 Overdo overdone. Do, but don't overdo: over- done is as bad as under-done. Owls. Wise men there be, for owls are counted wise, Who love to leave the lamp-lit paths behind, And chase the shapeless shadow of a doubt. ****** These have one argument, and only one, For good or evil, earth or jeweled heaven The olden, owlish argument of Doubt. Men. He blinks like a wise old owl and says nothing. Own ownership. The man who minds his own busi- ness is well employed. We own nothing; we have but a short lease even of ourselves. Ox. Begrudge not the patient ox his corn. Oyster. It was a long road from protoplasm to the oyster, and a long time before the oyster shed his shell and walked on two legs. p Pain. Who sows in passion reaps in pain. Pains. No gains without pains. Take pains and make gains. Pair. Nature makes all things in pairs. Parasite. Men are divided into princes and parasites. The herd are parasites of parasites. 126 LACONICS Pardon. He who pardons the guilty punishes the innocent. It is easy for a man to pardon himself. We easily pardon in another the offence of which we ourselves have been guilty. Nature never pardons; her laws are immutable. Pardon crowns the victor. He pardons the guilty and punishes the innocent. Parsimony. Parsimony and poverty are rarely bed- fellows. Parsimony is the worst kind of poverty. Partizans. Patriots first, partizans last. Party. His party has seven cardinal principals five loaves and two fishes. Passion. Control your passions, or your passions will control you. Passion, like fire, under control is beneficial. Every passion is written on the face. Passion is the wild steed, reason the rider. Put a bridle on your passions or they will put a halter on you. Who sows in passion reaps in pain. Past. An old man's future is in the past. pon't keep on hurrahing after the procession has- gone past. Don't spend your time bemoaning the past look. ahead. We live in the shadow of the past. We sometimes mis-read the present by the light of the past. We are linked to the infinite past and the infinite future. LACONICS 127 We stand upon the shoulders of the past. Only the past is certain. Path. It is easy to follow a beaten path, not so easy to blaze a new trail through the wilderness. Patience. If you wait for the mountain to come to you, will patience bring it? He who is equipped with patience and perseverance is equipped for work. Patience is out of place in a hornet's nest. He is over patient who can sit calmly on a hot stove. It is idle to preach patience to a drowning man. Patience is twin brother of fortitude. The time to practise Christian patience is when your mother-in-law has the tooth-ache. Patience may be good for boils (see Job) but a poultice is better for carbuncles. Be patient, but not pusillanimous. Patience lightens burdens, but if you are too patient they will pile on more than you can carry. On an up-hill road with a big load the patient mule will beat a thoroughbred. Fortify courage with patience. Philosophy teaches patience. Patience lightens the burden. Patience in a swarm of mosquitos? Patience is power. Patriot patriotism. "It's patriotism," said T.R. ''It's politics," said Harriman. Patriots first partizans second. Pawn. Virtue once pawned is rarely redeemed. Pay-day. Every day in the week is pay-day. Pay-day comes to every man good or bad. 128 LACONICS Pay-master. A well tilled field is a good pay-master. Peace. War is just only when we fight for peace. Pat said "Oi 'm niver at pace ony whin Oi 'm in a foight." Pearls. He casts his pearls belore swine, but it's only pearl-barley and the pigs like it. Peculiarity. Peculiarity marks the man. Pedantry. He who loves to show his learning to the ignorant, shows his ignorance to the learned. Pegasus. Don't mistake an ass for Pegasus. Pen. The lance of chivalry was shivered by the goose- quill of Cervantes. "The pen is mightier than the sword," but a "Big stick" beats both. I can give you a pen but I can't give you brains to use it. It gin 'im the ' 'blues," an' he tackled the Muse, An' he tuk a pen an' writ. Bronco Bill. Penitent. Beware of a public penitent. The penitentiary is full of penitents. Penny. It is a good penny that saves the pound. People. The world may be divided into people who think and people who let others think for them. Give the people perfect liberty and see the Kil- kenny cat-fight. The "dear people" like to be deceived; they suck flattery as calves suck milk. Remember that other people have eyes too. LACONICS 129 Perfection. Perfection can only be approximated, not attained. Perfume. Women use perfumes to kill other "smells." Kick a skunk and catch the perfume. Perseverance. Prudence, patience, perseverance! Time and patience change the mulberry-leaf To shining silk; the lapidary's skill Makes the rough diamond sparkle at his will, Or cuts a gem from quartz or coral-reef. Poetry. Stick-to-it will do it. Patience and perseverance are better than brilliant parts. Perseverance in a good cause is obstinacy in a bad one. Persistence. Persistence is strength; the tender mushroom will break through hard clay. Persistent courage wins the smile of fate. Pauline. Men lack purpose and persistence more than talent. On an up-hill road with a big load the little donkey will beat a thoroughbred. Perverseness. Man has a natural taste for forbidden fruit. There are more balky men than balky mules. Some men are so perverse that they will spend their lives trying to make water run up-hill. Petticoat. Beware of vice in rouge and red petti- coats. When the wife wears the pants who wears the petticoats ? 130 LACONICS He is a sneak who hides under his wife's petticoats. "An' he rid on a side-saddle In petticoats half a-straddle." Bronco Bill. Philosophy Philosopher. Philosophy won't ease a boil under the seat of your pants. Philosophy may do for breakfast, but it's a poor dinner. When your friend has the toothache give him a dose of philosophy and watch the effect. To discover and practise good is true philosophy. Philosophy ! philosophy ! Diogones starved in a tubfull of philosophy. Philosophy is good for a pimple, but it won't cure a carbuncle. The philosopher can patiently endure his mother- in-law's toothache Rocky-feller found the philosopher's stone in an oil-well. The man who has found content is a true philoso- pher. Physic Physician. The more physic the worse for the patient. Physiced with metaphysics. Men. Young man, if you are love-sick, take a dose of purgative pills. Call one doctor and you may live; call two and make your will. Any doctor can tell what ails you after you are dead. Pig. Every pig to his own pen. The biggest pig I ever saw walked on two legs. Pilot. Who takes a blind man for a pilot ? He's a good pilot in a mill-pond. Learn to be your own pilot. LACONICS 131 Pippin. Pip me a pippin. Pit. Who digs a pit for others may fall into it him- self. Pity. Pity not the dead but the living. Plans. The best of plans may be spoiled in execution. Plan deliberately execute promptly. Play. Play the lion with lions and the fox with foxes. If you want to play into the hearts of the "dear people" play a brass band. Please pleasure. Our greatest pleasure is in pleasing others. Everything goes by pairs pleasure and pain, good and evil. The sweetest harp of heaven Were hateful if it played the self same tune Forever. Change. The most delicious fruits Pall on the palate if we taste too oft, And Hyblan honey turns to bitter gall. Change. Pleasure and pain grow on one stem. Did ever any man please everybody ? There are few men who can please even themselves. He who tries to please everybody, in the end pleases nobody. There is more pleasure in a good deed well done than in the applause of the million. Pledge. The streets are paved with broken pledges. A bad pledge is better broken. Plow plowman. He plows with a pencil and reaps with his pen. 132 LACONICS His plow handles are too long, he lives in the city and his farm is fifty miles away. Ah blithesome plowman whistling on the glebe, Ah merry mowers singing in the swaths, Sweet, simple souls contented not to know, Wiser are ye and ye may teach the wise. O Let me Dream the Dreams of Long Ago. Pluck. Pluck is better than luck. Pluck and luck make a strong team. When the peach is ripe it is time to pluck it. Plum plumb. He goes to the plum tree for pears and the pear tree for plums. 'Taint every plum thet's wuth pickin'. Bronco Bill. Ef it's pup-pup-pupendiceler it's plumb. Bronco Bill. Plunder. He who plunders thousands thinks he does a generous deed when he doles out pennies to the poor. Pocket. I put my hand in my pocket and find a friend. Poet poetry. The grandest poem is God's universe: In measured rhythm the planets whirl their course ; Rhythm swells and throbs in every sun and star In mighty ocean's organ-peals and roar, In billows bounding on the harbor-bar, In the blue surf that rolls upon the shore, In the low zephyr's sigh, the tempest's sob, In the rain's patter and the thunder's roar: Aye, in the awful earthquakes shuddering throb, When old Earth cracks her bones and trembles to her core. Poetry. LACONICS 133 All poetry must be, if it be true, Like the keen arrows of the Grecian God Appolo, that caught fire as they flew. Poetry. Poets are born, not made, some scribbler said, And every rhymester thinks the saying true; Better unborn than wanting labor's aid; Aye, all great poets, all great men, are made 'Between the hammer and the anvil. Few Have the true metal, many have the fire. Poetry. No slave or savage ever proved a bard; Men have their bent, but labor its reward. Poetry. The poet's brain with spirit- vision teems; The voice of nature warbles in his heart; A sage, a seer, he moves from men apart, And walks among the shadows of his dreams. Poetry. Truth is the touchstone of all genius. Art In poet, painter, sculptor, is the same: What cometh from the heart goes to the heart; What comes from effort only is but tame. Poetry. Poetry is truth set to music. I hear a piper piping on a reed To listening flocks of sheep and bearded goats. Poetry. Workmen are plenty but the masters few. He will read and range and rhyme in vain Who hath no dust of diamonds in his brain. Poetry. Long-haired poets are out of fashion. 134 LACONICS Poetaster. "Poeta nacitur, non fit." Such poets are born misfits. See dapper poets hurrying for their dimes With maudlin verses tinsel-tipped with rhymes. Poetry. He climbs a tree to catch a fish. I hear loud voices and a clamorous throng With braying bugles and with bragging drums Bards and bardies laboring at a song. One lifts his locks above the rest preferred, And to the buzzing flies of fashion thrums A banjo. Lo him follow all the herd. Poetry. Better a skillful cobbler at his last Than unlearned poet twangling on the lyre, Who sails on land and gallops on the blast, And mounts the welkin on a braying ass, Clattering a shattered cymbal bright with brass, And slips his girth and tumbles in the mire. Poetry. There is poetry in carrots and cabbage He spoiled at last a skillful laster To make a darn poor poetaster. Poets. Wordsworth all feet and no wings. Tennyson winged feet. Byron an eagle's wings and a crippled foot. Poe a wild steed's feet and a raven's wings. Shakespeare a lion's feet and a condor's wings. Policy. Lubricate the tongue; it takes oil to run the machine. "My policy" is himself. Politeness. Over-politeness is hypocrisy. LACONICS 135 Studied politeness is boorish. Kindness is politeness everywhere. Politics politicians. In the game of politics money is trumps. * * * Hear the demagogues Fist-maul the wind and weather-cock the crowd, With brazen foreheads full of empty noise, Out-bellowing the bulls of Bashan. Men. Hear the old bandogs of the Daily Press, Chained to their party posts, or fetter free And running amuck against old party creeds, On-howl their packs and glory in the fight. See mangy curs, whose editorial ears Prick to all winds to catch the popular breeze, Slang- whanging yelp and froth and snap and snarl, And sniff the gutters for their daily bread. Men. Politicians play and the people pay the piper. Politicians pander to the weak side of the masses. A politician is like a dog in a wheel. "It's patriotism," said Teddy. "It's politics," said Harriman. Why these parades, brass-bands and braying drums, These frantic howls from pulpit, stage and slums? What is the matter? What's it all about? One side is in and t'other side is out. To whichsomever corner shifts the wind, thereto I "hist" mine hat. Poor. A poor man has few cousins. It's hard to be hungry and honest. 136 LACONICS Populace. Where Grex is Rex God help the hapless land. The yelping curs that bay the rising moon Are not more clamorous and the fitful winds Not more inconstant. Men. The headless herd are but a noise of wind; Sometimes, alas, the wild tornado's roar; As full of freaks as curs are full of fleas; Like gnats they swarm, like flies they buzz and breed. Men. The populace are either tooting tin horns or crawl- ing on their bellies. The populace judge from passion, fashion and prejudice. As with wine so with the populace, agitation brings the dregs to the top. Popular popularity. Popular opinion is like a pendu- lum always see-sawing. Popular praise is a puff of wind. A popular man makes everything he advocates popular. A popular man right or wrong has many followers. It you want to be popular hire a brass band and swing a "big stick." Posterity. "Gintlemin, Oi can't boasht av me an- ancestors," said Pat, "but Oi kin boasht av me posterity,. fer Biddy an' Oi hez twinty wanav'em." I am not writing for posterity, I am writing for my ancestors. Potatoes. Buttered baked potatoes grow in the gar- den of fools. Ah, sweet content, the blessing of the blest LACONICS 137 Upon thy cheerful table east or west Corn-cakes and baked potatoes make a feast. One Hundred Years Ago. Poverty. If you would keep from poverty keep out of debt. Poverty rocked the cradle of most great men. Poverty makes men cowards. Republics breed both luxury and poverty. Poverty may laugh at a burglar. Poverty is the mother of genius. Power. Patience, pluck and perseverance are power. Practice. Many preach, few practice. Practice what you preach. Praise. Praise him and he will praise you. He who listens for praise will hear dispraise. Rear monuments of fame or flattery Think ye their sleeping souls are made aware ? Heap o'er their heads sweet praise or calumny Think ye their moldering ashes hear or care ? Poetry. Praise God by righteous deeds and brother-love. Men. Let your deeds praise you, your tongue never. Praise in the mouth of a friend may be tasteful which in your own mouth would be nauseating. Virtue starves on hollow praise. Seek advice rather than praise. He who disparages himself to others expects praise. Let your praise come from the mouth of a friend. The rebuke of the wise is better than the praise of a fool. It is easier to get praise than to earn it. 138 LACONICS Prayer. The same immutable laws that govern the sun and his planets govern all things. Can prayer reverse the seasons, or turn night into day? Prayer is the plea of ignorance. Prayer presumes that God is weak and variable. All my prayers are one Father, thy will be done. Prayer is a cry of despair. Prayer presumes that God is human. Pray and work, but don't stop work to pray. Pray for a stout heart and a strong arm. Storm over, prayers over. Prayer is a complaint against Providence. Pray, pray but don't forget to work. Precedent. The olden precedents Oft stepping-stones of tyranny and wrong Pauline. Precedents are not proofs. Precedents are often stumbling blocks. Better make a good precedent than follow a bad one. Progress, not precedent. Precept. The entire New Testament may be boiled down into one precept (borrowed by Jesus from Confucius) "Do unto otherstas you would have others do unto you." Let your practise precede your precepts. Precipice. A precipice before and fire in the rear. Precipitate. He is too precipitate who goes off "half- cocked." Prejudice. When we cast off an old prejudice we are apt to take on a new one. LACONICS 139 Prepare. Be always prepared. Be prepared both for your friends and your enemies. Prepare your ground before you sow the seed. Prepare for the storm ere it cometh. Prepare to be disappointed. He is prepared who is always on guard. Present presents. Make good use of the present and the future will be provided for. We sometimes misread the present by the light of the past. Pay your debts first and make presents afterwards. Press. A newspaper is simply the organ of the man behind it. The newspaper "is a power in the land" for good or evil. People have quit reading the Bible and gone to reading newspapers. Is this the golden age or the age of gold ? Lo by the page or column fame is sold. Hear the big journal braying like an ass; Behold the brazen statesman as they pass. Poetry. See mangy curs whose editorial ears Prick to all winds to catch the popular breeze, Slang-whanging yelp and froth and snap and snarl, And sniff the gutters for their daily bread. Men. The press is the mill that grinds the grist the boss- miller wants ground. Presume presumption. To presume that you are wise is a violent presumption. Don't presume too much on the weakness of your enemy or the strength of your friend. Presumption leaps, knowledge creeps. 140 LACONICS Pretense pretension. Loud crowing and flapping of wings, but he never gets above his dung-hill. Prevention. It is better to prevent than to punish. Price. A "cut" price is a pick-pocket. If you "go the pace" you must pay the price. Every man has his price if it is only "two bits." Pride. Ignorance is the mother of pride. The littler the man, the greater this pride. Pride pays two per cent, per month to conceal his poverty. Pride is a weed that grows rankest on a dung-hill. Prince. Every prince has his parasites. Princes and parasites comprise mankind. To one wise prince a million parasites. Men. Principal. His principal business is poking his nose into other people's business. His principal business is killing time. Principle. His principle is to add compound interest to his principal. Men of principle should be the principal men. Probability. Two probabilities don't make one fact. Procrastination. "Tomorrow I made my fortune," cries the fool, "Today I'll spend it." Men. Better be ten minutes ahead than ten seconds be- hind. The procrastinator dies deliberating. Precipitancy and procrastination are equal faults. LACONICS 141 Prodigal prodigality. Pinching economy saves for prodigality and prodigality runs down hill to penury. When the prodigal returns to the family fold, Take the poor hungry sinner in out of the cold ; Kill a hen and a calf; put a bottle on ice, And call him to dinner and give him a slice, Profanity. Profanity is a brutal vice and a sure sign of bad breeding. Profess. Profess nothing you are unable to do. Better possess than profess. Profit. Profit by the mistakes of others. You can't afford to work for nothing and board yourself. Profuse. He that is profuse is rarely profound. Progress. Behold the serried ranks of truth advance, And conquering Science shakes her shining lance Full in the face of stubborn Ignorance. The Reign of Reason. Progress, not precedent. Promise. Slow to promise, prompt to perform. Hooks baited with promises catch gudgeons. He that promises too much means nothing. Promise may make a friend, performance will keep him. Promises are cheap, performance dear. Perform first, promise afterwards. A promise is poor payment. Swift to promise, slow to fulfil. He lives in the land of promise and eats roast chick- ens before they are hatched. A promise is a debt. 142 LACONICS Better a dollar today than a promise of two to- morrow. Prompt promptness. Better be ten minutes ahead than ten seconds behind. Be slow to promise, prompt to fulfil. Property. Property has its duties as well as its rights. The individual ownership of property is the founda- tion of civilization. Prophet. Prophets seldom profit by their prophecies. The woods are full of prophets. Propitious. Watch for the propitious time. Prosperity. They that sow in adversity will reap in prosperity. Beware of the prosperity that loads you with debt. In prosperity, economy; in adversity, fortitude. He who is insolent in prosperity will be a coward ,in adversity. In prosperity friends flock to you. Hard work is still the road to prosperity. Prosperity is the touchstone ; it will prove the metal a man is made of. All classes are benefited by the prosperity of one. What prosperity conceals adversity reveals. A lamb in prosperity, a lion in adversity. In adversity calm; in prosperity calm. In prosperity beware of your friends, in adversity they will beware of you. Protect protector. Protect the toiling millions by just laws. Men. Protection. Put up the bars; bar out the pauper hordes ; LACONICS H3 Bar out their products that compete with ours. Give honest toil at home an honest chance; Build up our own and keep our coin at home. In vain our mines pour forth their tons of gold And silver, if by every ship they sail For London, Paris, Birmingham and Berlin. Men. Proverbs. Proverbs are the condensed wisdom of ages. Proverbs, wisdom boiled down. Patch poverty with proverbs. Providence. God tempers the shorn lamb to the winds. Hope and trust; All life springs from out the dust: Ah we measure God by man, Looking forward but a span On his wondrous, boundless plan: All his ways are wise and just; Hope and trust. Dust to Dust. The worm that crawls from out the sun-touched sand, What knows he of the huge, round, rolling earth? Yet more than thou, of all the vast Beyond, Or ever wilt. Content thee ; let it be ; Know only this there is a Power unknown, Master of life and builder of the worlds. Beyond. Lo in the midst we stand : we cannot see Either the dark beginning or the end, Or where our tottering footsteps turn or trend In the vast orbit of Eternity. The Reign of Reason. 144 LACONICS Stretch forth thy hand, O man, To the winds and the quaking earth To the heaving and falling sea To the ultimate stars and feel The throb of the spirit of God The pulse of the Universe. Lines, etc. Rev. Mr. "Trust in Providence, sister." Deaf old Lady: "I kin du better in Boston." Plant and till your garden well and Providence will give you a crop. If you leap into the sea, Providence is not bound to fish you out. Prudence. Prudence is the pivot on which a wise man turns. Fortitude and prudence make a good span. Fortune is a friend of prudence. Psalm. All the grub that war left fer them pore shorn lambs War a ferkin of pickled herrin' an' clams, One ole black Bible an* a Book of Sams, An' forty bar'ls of Holland gin. Bronco Bill. An' the fust thing he did thet Puritan kid Arfter singin' a Sam an' prayin' a pra'r, War tu shute a Injun an' skelp his har; An' Captin Standish an* Elder Brewster They patted thet kid an' called 'im 'The Ruster." Bronco Bill. The choir sang a psalm of praise to themselves. Public. Who serves the public serves a fickle master. Who serves the public serves a poor paymaster. Public Opinion. In a republic public opinion is king. LACONICS U5 Nothing is more capricious than public opinion. Public opinion! Public opinion! Can you nail it down and keep it nailed down? Men will face shot and shell rather than face public opinion. Pudding. Keep your fingers out of my pudding. He's a puddin'-head without plums. Pull-down. Pull down the toiler ; lift the idler up ? Men. The play is over; pull down the curtain. Pull down the hawk's nest before the eggs are hatched. Pull down the hornet's nest with a long pole. A fool can pull down faster than a wise man can build up. Pull up. She pulls up her petticoats to show her silk hose. It is hard pulling up hill. Pun. There's a bit of fun in a witty pun. Punctual punctuality. If you would catch the train better be ten minutes ahead than ten seconds behind. Make punctuality a cardinal rule. Punishment. To pardon the guilty is to punish the innocent. He who sins inflicts his own punishment. Nature never pardons; she punishes. Punish crime to prevent crime. Pure purity. The finest diamonds have flaws. There are spots on the sun. She is pure as snow, and as cold. 146 LACONICS Puritanical. Puritanical purity is like snow it freezes. Puritan. The old Puritans tried to get to Heaven on a bridge of sighs and psalms. Purpose. Work to a worthy purpose and you will prosper. Men lack purpose and persistence more than talent. Pursuit. It don't pay to pursue an express train with a hand-car. Half the pleasure is in the pursuit. Push. Push your way strike the iron till it is hot. Pygmy. We only know that we are men Midge-midgets on this grain of sand That rolls around our lesser sun Where myriad suns obey His hand. Message. Most men are pigs; all men are pygmies. Q Quack quackery. Quack quackles quack when doc- tors disagree. The quack is full of remedies for imaginary ills. Every quack quacks and the biggest quack quacks the loudest. Quarrel. When steel strikes flint the sparks fly. It takes two to quarrel. He who quarrels with a skunk will get perfumed. In every quarrel both are to blame. LACONICS 147 It don't always take two to have a quarrel, a man can quarrel with himself, and nine times out of ten he ought to. Question. The quibbler quirks the question. A prudent question is a proof of wisdom. Quotation. An apt quotation is always short. How glibly the devil quotes Scripture! Better not quote than misquote. E Rabid rabies. The very babes bark rabies. Men. Rage. Let rage waste itself in idle fury. Rage is for beasts, not men. Rain. Let it rain, we are water-proof. O fickle Fortune, how thy favors fall Like rain, upon the just and the unjust. Pauline. No atom lost and not one atom gained, Though fire to vapor melt the adamant, Or feldspar fall in drops of summer rain. Beyond. One dumb, lone lark sits shivering in the rain. let me Dream, etc. It if rained gold coins he wouldn't be ready to catch them. If it rained ducks his gun wouldn't be ready. When it threatens rain, a wise man takes an um- brella. The rain does not fall "where it listeth," but where the law of gravitation draws it. 148 LACONICS Ramparts. Thet gran' ole man, brave Brigham Young ! He sweetly thar reposes: He war a bigger man than Homer sung, An' a better man than Moses. An' when they sent a army here Thet thar ole bump Buchanan He found in that brave pioneer That these ram-parts hed a man on. Bronco Bill, Cow-Boy Ballads. Ramshackle. In thet ole ram-shackle Them Mormons called 'The Tabernacle." Bronco Bill, Cow- Boy Ballads. Rank. Rank goes by favor. "I out-rank you," said the skunk to the badger. Rascal. Nothing so much resembles an honest man as a shrewd rascal. Rash rashness. Be neither rash nor timid. May you never grow old till the end of Old Time; May you never be cursed with an itching for rhyme, For in spite of your physic, in spite of your plaster, The rash will break out till you go to disaster. New Years' Address. Rattle. Let 'im rattle his little tin rattle, An' root on his little tin horn; He hez alus rattled an' tooted, yer know, Sinse the day that he war born. Bronco Bill, Cow Boy Ballads. Thet jedge is jist big enough ter rattle on the bench. Bronco Bill. Reading. It is worse than time wasted to read "yel- low novels." LACONICS 149 Read good books only and winnow the wheat from the chaff. Wise men there be wise in the eyes of men Who cram their hollow heads with ancient wit Cackled in Carthage, babbled in Babylon, Gabbled in Greece, and riddled in old Rome, And never coin a farthing of their own. Men. Ready. The wise man is always ready. Real. We chase the ideal and miss the real. The Ideal blazes the trail for the Real. Reason. Reason is the light of man. Spice reason with wit. Don't mistake your will for your reason, Don't talk reason to gabbling geese. Reason is God's best gift to man. The most uncommon thing is common sense. Men. If you have no good reason for doing it, don't do it. The wise are taught by reason, most men by ex- perience; fools, by nothing. After Cicero. Men lift their foreheads to the rising sun, And lo the reign of Reason is begun. Fantastic phantasms fly before the light Pale, gibbering ghosts and ghouls and gobblin fears; Man who hath walked in sleep what thousands years ? Groping among the shadow of the night, Moon- struck and in a weird somnambulism, Mumbling some cunning can't or catechism, 150 LACONICS Thrilled by the electric magic of the skies Sun-touched by Truth awakes and rubs his eyes. The Reign of Reason. Let reason be our light, the only light That God hath given unto benighted man Wherewith to get a glimpse of his vast plan, And stars of hope that glimmer on our night. The Reign of Reason. Yea, superstition, since the world began, Hath been a magic wand to govern man; For men were beasts and brutal fear was given To chain the brute till Reason came from heaven. The Reign of Reason. Reason was given to man that he might become a god. Temper all things with reason. We are led less by reason than by custom. Rebuke. The rebuke of the wise is better than the praise of a fool. If thy friend rebuke thee, thank him. Reckon reckoning. He reckons without reason. If you will "flash," pay the reckoning. Recreation. Unbend the bow, or else the bow will break. Pauline. A time for work and a time for play Will make a man healthy, happy and gay. The mind needs recreation as well as the body. Redeem. Virtue once pawned is rarely redeemed. If you have made a promise redeem it if it takes your under-shirt. LACONICS 151 Reflection. He that will not reflect is ruined. A wise man reflects before he speaks; A fool speaks first and reflects afterwards. Our passions are reflected in our faces. Reform. I sings mein leetel song Reform; Dot shakes der goundry like a sdorm; I makes die peobles all pelief I eats mein dinner on a tief . C. S. (Ms. ) If you would reform a city, start in on the dog- catcher. Loud-mouthed ''Reformers" are always hungry for office or notoriety. You can't reform the world in a day if you preach all night. Regret. I regret it, I'm orful sorry, but ef I git a chance, I'll du the same gall darn thing agin. Bronco Bill. Hope, ahead; regret, behind. Youth is full of blunders that old age regrets. Every old hat is full of regret. Life is too short for regret, go ahead, do better. A month of bliss, a year of hell: 'Twere better if we had not met; But only weaklings hug regret, And so we part, and it is well. Relax relaxations. Unbead the bow, or else the bow will break. Religion. "I have slight touches of it occasionally," said a deaf and rheumatic old lady, when the minister asked her if she had religion. 152 LACONICS Every people make their own religion and mate it to fit their condition. Don't mistake superstition for religion. The true religion is to do right by your fellow-men. Remember remembrance. Remember your friends and don't forget your enemies. The remembrance of one's faults and follies leads to wisdom. Remembrance of one's good deeds is pleasant to the soul. Men are prone to remember your faults and forget your virtues. Remorse. When a good man has done wrong, remorse gnaws him. The bad man feels remorse when he is caught. Repentance. The wolf repents that he failed to catch the lamb. The burglar repents because he blew the safe open and found nothing. "Mother," said Johnie in tears, "I repent." "What have you done, my dear boy?" asked the mother. "Nuthin," said Johnie, "on'y Bill Butler called me a liar and I didn't lick 'im." The best repentance is reparation. Of what good is repentance without reform ? Report. False report goes by fast express ; the truth follows on a freight train. You uncivil cit you quote B arbour's Reports, That's barbarous indeed, sir, in civilized courts; And "Common Reports?" why you know they're all lies, sir, And just made to order and all of assize, sir. Quips and Quirks. LACONICS 153 Repose. Repose is power. Republic. It takes a good many fools to make a republic. A republic damns her best men. Republics breed luxury and poverty, and end in anarchy. Reputation. Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself. Your reputation is what men say of you, your character is what you are. Reputation is rarely proportioned to merit. "He hed a big reputation, cuz he blew a brass-band." Bronco Bill. Resentment. Resentment is right, but revenge re- coils on the revenger. Revenge is the weapon of the weak. Secret revenge is the weapon of the coward. The big man is above revenge. Revenge never paid ten cents on the dollar. Respect. Respect yourself if you wish the respect of others. Rest. Aye, in loved labor only is there rest. Poetry. The body will rest if the mind will let it. Only dead men rest. I have little time to rest now; I have an eternity of rest before me. In rest we rust. Poetry. Result. Look to the result. Revelation. Without our reason how can we read Revelations ? 154 LACONICS A new fact discovered in Nature is a new revela- tion. Revenge. Revenge is dear at any price, Revenge is a much more punctual pay-master than gratitude. How often do men prefer their revenge to their in- terests. He who punishes for revenge, himself commits a crime. Revenge is the mother of miseries. Fools think revenge is sweet: it is the bitterest of all bitters. Resentment is right, but revenge recoils upon the revenger. Life is too short for revenge, and eternity too long. Revolution. Revolution is evolution. Revolution defeated is treason; successful, patriot- ism. "Revolutions never go backward," but they fre- quently end in disaster. Reward. God is a prompt pay-master. He pays us what we earn good or evil. "Virtue is its own reward."? Durn pore pay, Mister, when a feller is out at the toes, an jist about froze, an' his stumick is tumble gnawin' an' thin. Bronco Bill. Rhetoric. Truth is true rhetoric. Wings and tailfeathers and a loud squawk are the rhetoric of a "spread-eagle" orator. Rheotric is reason in good clothes. Riches. To leave a son a fortune is, nine times out of ten, to leave him misfortune. LACONICS 155 How many of his millions did Harriman take with him to invest on the other side? "Vat for you vill be poor, ven zwei glass lager vill maks you reech?" He that has enough is as rich as Rockefeller. The rich plunder the poor and the poor plunder the rich. As in a forest tall trees overshadow and dwarf the small ones, so in the multitudes of men, the rich and powerful overshadow and dwarf the poor and feeble. Would' st thou be rich ? The earth is full of riches: dig. Rich men without good sense are but sheep, and everybody is ready to shear them. Riches are a heavy burden, but most men are anx- ious to carry it. It is madness to live poor to die rich. "Riches take wings and fly away" to other men. Ridicule. Who can argue against a horse-laugh? The lance of chivalry was shivered by the goose- quill of Cervantes. The "Greeley wave" was turned into soap-suds by the pencil of Thomas Nast. Ridicule is more often effective than reason. Ridicule is a weapon that only shrewd men handle. Ridiculous. "It is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous" and he took it with both feet. Letter of Author, St. Paul Globe, 1883. Right. It is better to be right than consistent. We measure right by the hand of might. Ripe. When the peach is ripe, pluck it. When the time is ripe God sends the man. Columbus. 156 LACONICS Rise. This fellow falls from grace every day in the week but one : he always rises again on Sunday. He is a strong man who can rise every time he falls. Risk. He who risks nothing will win but little. If you bet on a "sure thing" you are sure to lose. Don't pull the trigger till you are sure of your aim. If you are "between the devil and the deep sea," take the risk of "standing pat." He who has nothing to lose may risk all. Two and two make four : there is little risk in that. Road. On the wrong road the faster you run the farther you fall behind. Rogue. No honest man has need of a rogue. The rogue that will steal for you, will steal from you. Romance. Recipe for making a yellow romance: I teacup full of honey, 2 ounces of gall-nuts, 1 pint of vinegar, 1 tablespoonful of sweet oil, 2 ounces of Cheyenne pepper, 2 quarts of moonshine, one can concentrated lie and ten green cucumbers. Mix well and stir with a goose quill. Rome. In Rome, a Roman; in Greece, a Greek; in America all sorts, from a Yankee to a Hottentot. Room. In a log-cabin 12 x 12 there is room enough for two and happiness. Rope. He is knotting a rope to hang himself. You can't hold a bull with a "rope of sand." Loop a rope for your enemy and put your own foot in it. Rouge. Look out for vice in rouge and a red petti- coat. LACONICS 157 Rudder. The ship without a rudder is bound for the rocks. Don't sail out in the world without a rudder. Ruin. His success was his ruin. Rumor. Rumors, like snow-balls, gather as they go. To-day, a mouse ; to-morrow, a mule, and next day a mammoth. Trail the rumor to the liar. Rumor has a hundred mouths, a thousand tongues and a voice like a brass-band. Rust. Steel and the mind grow bright by frequent use; In rest they rust. Poetry. s Sacrifice. He would sacrifice his mother-in-law for ^ the sake of peace. Sage. A sage is the son of ages. Sail. Sail boldly when the wind is at your back; When the wind is in your face, trim sail and tack. Sailor. More sailors are shipwrecked in port than on the sea. Salt. Mix a little salt with your pepper. His wit lacks salt. That's good to keep salt it down. Sarcasm. Sarcasm is a chasm that many smart men fall into. "Sarcasm I now see to be in general, the language of the devil." Thomas Carlyle. Who has written more sarcasm than Carlyle ? 158 LACONICS Satiety. The sweetest harp of heaven Were hateful if it played the selfsame tune Forever, and the fairest flower that gems The garden, if it bloomed throughout the year, Would blush unsought. The most delicious fruits Pall on the palate if we taste too oft, And Hyblan honey turns to bitter gall. Change. Satire. Satire is all right on a satyr. Ridicule and satire are the only pins that will prick through the hides of some people. Sauce. "Labor is the best sauce;" it makes turnips taste like fried oysters. Save. The alchemy that turns everything into gold save. A single nail may save a ship. Savings-bank. It is like a mine; it is easy to get your money in but often hard to get it out. A run on the bank: "I wants mein monish," said the Dutch depositor "Here it is," said the teller. "You got 4m? : Vel, you got 'im I no want 'im you no got 'im I wants 'im right avay guick al- ready." Scandal. She sugars her tea with gossip and peppers her sauce with scandal. Science scientist. Science is the knowledge of our ignorance. Behold, the serried ranks of Truth advance, And conquering science shakes her shining lance Full in the face of stubborn Ignorance. The Reign of Reason. LACONICS 159 How deep have our greatest scientists gone ? They have not yet penetrated the skin of the earth. The discovery of the truth is the aim of science. Scruples. He has too many scrupples to his dram. Sea. He goes to sea in a gig and growls at the weather. If you will swim in the sea look out for the sharks. Secret Secrecy. Pat: "Biddy, I've a great sacret, an' I'm huntin' for a woman te help me kape it." Never seek to know your friend's secrets and never reveal your own. Secrets are bats they fly in the night. Tell your secrets to a woman today and tomorrow they will be in the newspapers. There is only one to whom you can safely trust your secrets yourself. Keep your secret in the ice-box or it will get you into hot water. Wine spills secrets. Secure security. Reasonable apprehension is safer than too confident security. There is danger in too much security. Too-sure is never secure. He is cock-sure: take security. Self. He knows everybody but himself. He worships himself. Self-conceit. He who is full of himself is empty of everything else. He admires his own shadow. Self-conscious. Self-conscious like an old cheese full of skippers. 160 LACONICS Self -deception. If I am deceived I deceive myself. Self-denial. Self-denial is a great virtue in your neighbor. Self-denial is the corner stone of a strong character. Self-improvement. He who is satisfied with himself is past cure. Self-interest. Self-interest demands cent pro cent. Our interests are centered in ourselves. Self-interest and charity are compatible: I know men who give liberally to charity just to get their names in the newspapers. Selfishness. We hate selfishness in others because we are selfish ourselves. Fathom every human heart and you will find selfish- ness at the bottom. Selfishness is self-protection, and self-protection is the first law of nature. Self-knowledge. He knows everybody but himself Study yourself. Self-love. Self-love is the first law of nature. Self-made. "I am a self-made man!" roared a mem- ber of Congress. "That fact relieves the Almighty of a great responsi- bility," replied his opponent. Self-praise. Self-praise stinketh in the mouth. The man praises himself because nobody else will praise him. Self-reliance self-respect. Self-respect and self-re- liance are cardinal virtues. If you can't rely on yourself, whom can you rely on ? LACONICS 161 If you don't respect yourself, who will respect you? Back-bone is the best bone in your body. Help yourself and God and men will help you. Fortune hates I Can't and loves / Will. Self-reliance is a firm footing and a stout staff. Self-will. The difference between self-reliance and self-will is the difference between a wise man and a jackass. Sense sensible. The most uncommon thing is common-sense. Men. A pint of sense is worth a peck of learning. The only sensible thing he ever did was done by mistake. Fill the basement with common-sense and the upper floors with learning. Sensitive. He is more sensitive than sensible. Sensual. Dust to Dust: What is gained when all is lost ? Gaily for a day we tread Proudly with averted head O'er the ashes of the dead Blind with pride and mad with lust: Dust to dust. Dust to Dust. Sermon. The most effective sermon is to practice what you preach. Serpent. Beware of the serpent that charms before he strikes. The serpent in ourselves is the snake that stings us. Servant serve. A negligent master, a negligent servant. 162 LACONICS A good master, a good servant. Wealth may be the servant of good or the servant of evil. Don't depend on a servant; serve yourself. Shadow. When the sun is setting the shadows point to sunrise. Without light there is no shadow. We fight for the shadow of things. Shaft. He bends a long bow, but his shaft is a feather. Sharper. When sharpers pluck each other geese are scarce. Sheep. If you are a sheep put on a lion-skin ; if you are a lion put on a lamb-skin. Under the cloak of virtue vices creep. And wolves become the shepherds of the sheep. The Reign of Reason. Shepherd. Trust paves the way for treachery to tread ; Under the cloak of virtue vices creep; Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread, And wolves become the shepherds of the sheep. The Reign of Reason. He is a good shepherd that keeps the wolves far from his sheep -pen. Ship. An empty ship is least able to breast the storm. Don't ship all in one tub. Shoemaker. "I have pegged my last," said the dying shoemaker. "You have lost your soul," said the priest to a scoffer." Bring 'im in and I'll peg on another," said the cobbler. LACONICS 163 Short-cut. Most men find the short-cut by going around. Sift. You heard the speech: sift it sift it. Sift out the cockle and save the wheat. In vain kings piled the pyramids; Their tombs were robbed by ruthless hands: Who now shall sing their fame and deeds, Or sift their ashes from the sands? Fame. Sight. If our fore-sight were half as good as our hind- sight we wouldn't miss the mark so often. Silence silent. It is easier to look wise than to talk wise. Silence is a hard argument to answer. Nobody will repeat your silence. A silent sage is like a bell without a clapper. Beware of the man who is silent when he is angry. His silence spoke louder than the voice of a mul- titude. Keep your mouth shut. A dumb fool is often taken for a wise man. Silk. Vice is most dangerous in silk stockings. Although in silk the monkey dress He's still a monkey nevertheless. (From the Spanish.) Silver. Fish with a silver hook. He seeks for silver in the distant hills, While in the sand gold glimmers at his feet. Men. Flattery is silver-tongued. 164 LACONICS Simplicity. Simplicity is true to truth and nature. The fool and the wise man are both simple one is simple and the other, a simpleton. Sin. We sin and blame the Devil for it. If lightning struck everyone who sins, there wouldn't be a "two-legged animal without feathers" left on this earth. The virus of sin is in the blood of all men. When we sin agin natur we pay the price. Bronco Bill. Single. He has an eye single to the main chance. Skill skillful. Skill rides; strength carries. Better a skillful cobbler at his last Than unskilled poet twangling on the lyre. Poetry. He spoiled at last a skillful laster. To make a "drun" poor poetaster. Skin. He would skin a skunk fer the perfume. Bronco Bill. Charity is skin-deep; self goes to the bone. Skunk. He likes perfume that kicks a skunk. Sky-lark. She wakened the woods with her musical words, And the sky-lark ashamed of his voice forbore. The Feast of the Virgins. The silver dawn steals in upon the dark: Up from the dewy meadow wheels the lark And trills his welcome to the rising sun, And lo another day of labor is begun. Poetry. LACONICS 165 Slander. And who escapes the tongue of calumny May count himself an angel or a naught. Poetry. Slander is a Hyrda: strike off one of its heads and two will grow out in its place. Slander has the scent of a hound, the eyes of a cat and the tongue of a serpent. If you fight slander take it by the throat. The best shield against slander is silence. Don't blow the coals of slander and they will soon die out. Slang. Avoid slang: the slang- whanger is never a gentleman. Slavery. If we are slaves what matters it whether our chains be of iron or of gold. All men are slaves: yea, some are slaves to wine, And some to women, some to shining gold, But all to habit and to customs old. The Reign of Reason. We are still slaves to custom and to superstition. Sleep. Die sonne, he know ven he petter git oop, mebbe ; aber Ich bin no leetel vorm dot poke hees nose ouet to pe cotched py die bird. I radder sleeb a leetel bis die preakfast pees ready. Hans. Sloth. Sloth is always waiting and wishing. Sloth is always waiting for something to "turn up." Slow. Go slow till you know. Sluggard. The sluggard has to take a hundred steps to-day where two would have sufficed yesterday. 166 LACONICS The diligent says "To-day;" the sluggard says "To-morrow."' Small. Don't despise small things ; a flea at midnight is worse than a wolf at midday. Great things are made out of little things. Smile. A smiler is often a beguiler. He smiles with the smilers and weeps with the weepers. He smiles on one side and frowns on the other. He smiles to your face and bites at your back. The world is a mirror: smile and it smiles; frown and it frowns. A frozen smile is wus ner a frown. Bronco Bill. Smudge. The gnats are buzzing: smudge! Sneak. You can tell a coyote by his sneak. I kin stand a "hold-up," but a sneak thief is wus ner a cyote. Bronco Bill. Sneer. Half-way betwixt a snicker and a sneer. Sneer-lipped, hawk-eyed, wolf-tongued oraculars. Men. Socialism. Socialism is despotism: it crushes the individual. Let socialism prevail and the dunce and the wise are on a dead level; The worker and the sluggard are equal. Society. Society follows the bell-wether. Fashionable society is made up of toadies, tattlers and tomnoddies. Soil. The soil that grows nettles will grow com. LACONICS 167 Soldiers. Beheld a score of battle-fields corpse-strewn, Blood-fertilled with ten thousand nattered fools, Who, but to please the vanity of one, Marched on hurrahing to the doom of death. An old English Oak. Lo the blood- spattered bosom, the shot-shattered limb, The hand-clutch of fear as the vision grows dim, The half-uttered prayer and the blood-fettered breath , The cold marble brow and the calm face of death. proud were these forms at the dawning of morn, When they sprang to the call of the shrill bugle- horn: There are mothers and wives that await them afar; God help them! Is this then the glory of war? The Charge of 'The Black Horse' He is a brave soldier in slippers and pajamas. Solitude. He who is alone with good books has the best of company. 1 love solitude with a few choice friends, a bottle of "pop" and a box of cigars. Something to say. Don't make a speech unless you have something to say. Son. The son at twenty knows more than his father at fifty. The best thing you can leave to your son is a strong body, a sane mind and plenty of hard work. Son of his father. He follows his father a long way behind. Sore. Don't prod an old sore. Every man has his sore spot. 168 LACONICS Sorrow. Sorrow is the shadow of pleasure. Sorrows are mile-stones on the road to wisdom. Soul. What is the soul and whither will it fly? We only know that matter cannot die, But lives and lived through all eternity, And ever turns from hoary age to youth. And is the soul not worthier than the dust? The Reign of Reason. And is there life beyond this life below? Aye, is death death? or but a happy change From night to light on angel wings to range, And sing the songs of seraphs as we go ? Alas, the more we know the less we know we know. The Reign of Reason. Of what good is a soul without a body. Sound. His voice sounds like a steam whistle in a megaphone. His arguments are all sound. Sour sourest. He is as sour as a pickled crabapple. Her sweetest smile would sour fresh milk. The sweetest wine makes the sourest vinegar. Sow. Sow good words and you will gather friends. He sows good seed in sterile sand and trusts in God. Sow cockle, reap cockle; sow wheat, reap wheat. One sows, another reaps; And still another tolls the grain. They that sow in adversity may reap in prosperity. It is easier to sow than to reap. (After Goethe). Spare. The mother who has ten children has none to spare. "Spareribs,"said a pert miss to a lean old maid. To spare the guilty is to punish the innocent. (After Lord Coke.) LACONICS 169 Speak speaker. I'ts a wise man who knows when to speak, a wiser that knows when to stop. He is a great speaker, he can't hold his tongue. Special specialty. Concentrate all your energies on one special line. Make a specialty of success. We are in the age of specialties: choose one good line and follow it for life. Some men take special pains to show their ignorance. Spectator. The spectator often sees better than the actor. Speech. What goes in at the ear comes out at the mouth. A soft speech may have a subtile poison. Speech is the ripple of the rivulet; silence is the voice of the deep. Clear thought, clear speech. Spend. Don't spend what you haven't got. Spirits. He is full of spirits his bottle is empty. Spots. Spots become a leopard. He is all right in spots. Squander. Eternity will not give back the hours you squander. He toils all his life to pile up wealth for his prodi- gals to squander. Stale eggs. He is like an old hen trying to hatch stale eggs. Stand. You cannot stand still, you must go up or go down. Take your stand and stand by it. 170 LACONICS Star. "Follow thine own star." Dante. I would but I can't tell my star from a jack-o-lantern. If you trust. in your star you will sup on moonshine. The stars never shine clear till after dark. Stars of hope that glimmer on our night. Reign of Reason. The stars are the faces of our fathers looking down from their hunting-grounds. (Saying of the Dakotas.) Steal. He that steals for you will steal from you. Steel. When steel strikes flint then flies the fire. Steel and the mind grow bright by frequent use; In rest they rust. Poetry. Step. Step by step men walk upward, or downward into the "Slough of Despond." Step by step men climb the highest peaks. The dead past offers us safe stepping stones. Precedents are "Oft-stepping-stones of tyranny and wrong. Pauline. Stick. Stick-to-it will do it. Stoicism. Your bronze statue is your true stoic. He snatched from the embers a red-hot brand, And held it aloft in his naked hands. He stood like a statue in bronze or stone; Not a muscle moved and the braves looked on. The Feast of the Virgins. Stomach. Jo has no food for his stomach, and John no stomach for his food. 'Twar a wearisum trail afore we got in, LACONICS 171 An' our stumicks got tumble gnawin' an' thin, Per when his cayuse went down like a goose. Pore Teddy he busted our "jim-john" uf gin. Bronco Bill, Cow Boy Ballads. Stop. Few men know when to begin or when to stop. Storm. A storm is better than a dead calm. In a storm the tallest trees fall first. Turn your back to the storm. Stout. Stout legs to a steep hill. Strong arm and stout heart. Strength. Brains are stronger than brawn. A woman's strength lies in her weakness. There is strength in "I will." Let not your strength become your weakness. Few men are strong enough to lift themselves by their own boot-straps. Strut. In his own conscious insignificance he struts. He struts and gabbles like a turkey-cock in a hen- yard. Study. Man's blood and brawn demand a change of food; His mind as well. Change. The blush of sunrise found me at my books; The mid-night cock-crow caught me reading still; And oft my worthy master censured me; "A time for work," he said, "a time for play; Unbend the bow or else the bow will break." Pauline. Learn to study and study to learn. Study what you read think. Stumble. He stumbles at a straw. 172 LACONICS Style. There can be no clear expression without clear thoughts. Truth is the touchstone of all genius. Art In poet, painter, sculptor, is the same; What cometh from the heart goes to the heart; What comes from effort only is but tame. Poetry. Thought is the body, style the dress. Sublime. It is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous and the gentleman took it with both feet. Author's letter: St. Paul Globe, 1883. Submission. All my prayers are one: "Father, thy will be done." Subtlety. Subtlety deceives itself. Success. Success is often the worst of failures. Deserve success and then command it. We estimate men by their success, not by their virtues. Prudence, patience, perseverance; these command success. When, where and how? Let this be your study. Everybody is a friend of success. Success makes treason patriotism. The man who sits down on the road to success and waits for a free ride will get left. One success is a step toward another. Remember your failures are your stepping-stones to success. His success was his ruin. Sucker. Suckers are plenty in any pond. Suffering. He who suffers learns to pity. LACONICS 173 Sugar. Put sugar in your vinegar. Sugar on the tongue, money in the till. Suicide. The suicide is either a coward or a madman. Sun. Midge-midgets on this grain of sand That rolls around our lesser sun Where myriad suns obey His hand. A Message &c. The sun is the electric light-and-power-plant of our solar system. Truth, like the sun, is often under a cloud. Sunday. He prays on his knees, sir, on Sunday, And preys on his neighbors the rest of the week. Superstition. Superstition is the religion of ignorance. Old Superstition, mother of cruel creeds, O'er all the earth hath sown her dragon teeth: Lo centuries on centuries the seeds Grew rank and from them all the haggard breeds Of Hate and Fear and Hell and cruel Death. The Reign of Reason. Ah, ignorance and fear go hand in hand, Twin-born and broadcast scatter hate and thorns; They people earth with ghosts and hell with horns, And sear the eyes of truth with burning brand. The Reign of Reason. But superstition is a monster still, An Hydra we may scotch, but hardly kill; For if with sword of truth we lop a head, How soon another groweth in its stead ! The Reign of Reason. Men have been learning error age on age, And superstition is their heritage, 174 LACONICS Bequeathed from age to age and sire to son Since the dim history of the world begun. The Reign of Reason. How hard it is for mortals to unlearn Beliefs bred in the marrow of their bones! How hard it is for mortals to discern The truth that preaches from the silent stones, The silent hills, the silent universe, While error cries in sanctimonious tones That all the light of life and God is hers! The Reign of Reason. But still 'twere wrong to speak but in abuse, For priests and popes have had and have their use. Yea, Superstition since the world began Hath been a magic wand to govern man: For men were beasts and brutal fear was given To chain the brute till Reason came from heaven. The Reign of Reason. Superstructure. The builder who builds the super- structure is as worthy as he who lays the founda- tion. Don't try to build the top story first. Sure-cure. The sure-cure for most ills is work. The state is sick and every fool a quack Running with pills and plasters and sure-cures, And every pill and package labelled Ism. Men. Sure. The slow and sure overtake the swift. The sure road is the short cut. Be sure of your aim before you pull the trigger. He is one of those cock-sure fellows whose cock- lofts need tenants. LACONICS 175 Surface. Chaff and straws swim on the surface, the wheat is at the bottom. The froth is on top, the beer at the bottom. Suspicion. When suspicion creeps in at the back door, Confidence walks out at the front. A woman who is prone to suspicion is rarely virtuous. When men speak ill of us we should suspect our- selves, when they praise us we should suspect them. Suspicion will pierce even the triple mail of wisdom. Swallow. "One swallow doesn't make summer?" that depends on the liquor. Sweet. sweetest. He deserves not the sweet who will not sweat for it. The sweetest wine makes the sourest vinegar. Without a taste of the bitter we have little relish for the sweet. Sword. Yea, into plow-shares may these brothers beat Their swords and into prunning-hooks their spears. After the Battle of Gettysburg. They first took the sword and they fall by the sword. The Old Flag. Sympathy. Sympathy divides sorrow. Symptoms. In morals as in medicine, we doctor the symptoms. Tact. Talents for a team and tact for a driver. Tact teaches when to talk, what to say and when to be silent. Tact and talent make a strong team. 176 LACONICS Tail. An old watch-dog, and "thereby hangs a" tail. Don't be the tail of any kite. If you can't be at the head don't be at the tail. Talent. Men lack purpose and persistance more than talent. Tact and talent make a strong team. You can't hide your lack of talent' 'under a bushel." One has a talent for poetry another for mending shoes, and as a rule, both are cobblers. Talk talker. A fool cuts his throat with his tongue. A long tongue rattles in an empty head. There is no music so sweet to an ass as his own bray. He talks all day and says nothing. Talk-up, "chalk up." He who talks too much hears little. Who talks much says little. Do-much talks little. Tantalize. She would tantalize Tantalus. Taste. "There is good 'taste' for you, Seward," said Lincoln, as they passed an old "darkey" munch- ing a water-mellon. He has a very refined taste for clabber and garlic. "Jedermann hat sein geschmack," said the German. "An' ivery gur-rl in Ireland hez her smock, too," said Pat. Tattle tattler. Who tattles to you will tattle about you. Tell it to a woman? Go publish it in the Town Tattler. Taxes. Let vices and luxuries pay the taxes. The "single-tax" advocate is a man of a single idea. LACONICS 177 Monarchies tax the poor to support the rich ; repub- lics tax the rich to support the poor. Protection shears our sheep ; free-trade skins them. "They tuck a dram an' sung a sam. Then Uncle Grover smiled an' said: The turiff is a tax, sir; Thet tax on sugar, Gunnel Ted, Is a burden on our backs, sir." Bronco Bill, Cow Boy Ballads. The politicians "grind their axes," on the taxes. Teaching. He who teaches himself has the best teacher. Training is the best teaching. Tears. A woman's weapon is her tears. With her tears she vanquished a whole brigade. "What would women do if they could not cry?" Jerrold. Answer They would have to let the water out some other way. Teeth. We conceals his teeth with a mouthful of flattery. "O them teeth an' thet gorilla grin !" Bronco BUI. Temper. Cultivate good temper; it is like dew and sunshine in your garden. Brave men are good tempered. Rule your temper or it will rule you. Temptation. Where there is no temptation there is no virtue. Turn your back on temptation and it will tug at your coat-tail. A strong man laughs at temptation. "Tenderfoot." "Don't kick against the pricks?" let some other "tender-foot" try it. He's a "tender-foot" from Texas. 178 LACONICS Thanks. Thanks are good, but they won't make hens lay eggs. "Thank yer," '11 du fer lunch but it's a durn slim dinner. Bronco Bill. Theories. It is easier to plan than perform. Test theory by practise. , A theoretical fact is often mere illusion. He who follows theories will often bump his head against solid facts. Theories lead to tests and tests lead to truth. What theory proves, experience often disproves, "He's a theoritical cuss; he's goin' tu the moon in a balloon." Bronco Bill. They say. "They-say" is a gabbler. They-say is her-say. "On dit," said Johnnie Carpaud: "She-bleat" said Bronco Bill. Thief. A little thief goes to prison, a big thief goes to Congress. He that steals for you will steal from you. Think. Think twice before you speak and thrice before you write. Think and read and read and think. Thinker. "God let loose a thinker on this planet," when Shakespeare was born. Let the thinker guide the toiler. A man without a "thinker" wouldn't make a decent tinker. Thorns. Don't tread on thorns barefoot. If you handle thorns put on gloves. Wisdom grows on thorns. LACONICS 179 Thought. You may read all your life and never learn anything unless you learn to think. Our thoughts may be good yet produce no fruit. "I thought so" is often mistaken. "Things breed thoughts" (Tupper) and Thoughts breed things. Thorough. Whatever you do do thoroughly. Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. Don't stop half-way: work to the end. Threat. He who threatens his enemy puts him on his guard. Bite first and bark afterwards. The thunder threatens, but the lightening strikes. It ain't the curs thet bark thet bite, But curs kin start a dog-fight. War with Japan. Don't threaten before you strike. Thrift. He's a thrifty "cuss;" he'll live on sams and steal the pennies off the eyes of his dead grand- mother. Bronco Bill. Thrift beats swift. Tickle. Thet thar perlitical "bunco-steerer" jist fills me full uf tickle. Bronco Bill. Tickle me now and I'll tickle you tomorrow. Tide. When the tide comes in, come in on it. When the tide goes out, look out. Tiger. Pull his teeth and clip his claws and the tiger mews as meek as a kitten. Don't "buck the tiger" onless yer a lion. Bronco Bill. 180 LACONICS Time. Take time by the coat-collar; he has no coat- tail. Time never was and never will be ; it is always now. The sands of time are sands of gold. Time is the teacher of teachers. When it is time to strike, strike hard. I am tethered to one point in Time. To-day, tomorrow, yesterday are one One in the cycle of eternal time That hath beginning none, nor any end. Men. How time gits away with our har, ole Jo! Jist think uf it 'twent thutty years ago . Bronco Bill, Cow Boy Ballads. You can't "kill time;" you can waste it. Time starts nowhere, stops nowhere, and runs for- ever at the same pace. The crutch of Time is swifter than the feet of men. He spends his time whining that he hasn't time. Time is a great teacher. Here is wit and wine and rhyme: Let us have a glorious time, While the death-bells clang and chime To the ghostly pantomime. The observer who studies in the school of Time learns much. "Times." He is peevish who praises by-gone times and sees no good in our own. Keep up with the "times"; don't lag behind like a lubber. "Many times and oft" Nature gives her warning. Titles. Vanity parts his name in the middle and puts a handle on the front end. LACONICS 181 She sells herself and her fortune for a title and a puppy. Titles earned are honors. Titles inherited are often a reproach to the forefathers. If you haven't earned a title don't wear it. Toad. Better be a big toad in a little puddle than a little toad in a big puddle. He isn't a toad, but he is a toady. Toady. He wears a polliwog coat and toadies to the 'Tour Hundred." I would rather sit in the smoke of my own cabin than be a toady in the palace of a King. When you are going uphill Toady is ready to boost, when you are going down Toady will give you a kick. Tobacco. Tobacco is a great blessing; it kills cow- lice, an' ether vermin. Bronco Bill. Tobacco kills chicken-lice and a lot of "two-legged animals without feathers." Tobacco kills more men than whiskey. Tobacco is good for the "blues," but the remedy is worse than the disease. The tobacco habit is best cured by never beginning it. Tobacco the Devil planted tobacco. No gentleman chews tobacco. Alas, when Columbus discovered America he dis- covered tobacco. To-day. Ten minutes to-day are worth an hour to- morrow. Do it to-day. 182 LACONICS We lose to-day waiting for to-morrow. The diligent says, "To-day;" the sluggard says, "To-morrow." To-day is a decimal point between nothing and naught. Better a dollar to-day than a promise of two to- morrow. Toil toiler. A goodly recompense Comes from hard toil, but not from its abuse. Poetry. Labor is the lot of mortal man, Ordained by God since human time began. Poetry. They toil most who do nothing. Let the thinker guide the toiler. Ah, in loved labor only is there rest. Poetry. Tolerance. I'm tolerbly tolerant, but I cain't stan' tu hev a man kick the seat uf my pants. Bronco Bill. Tolerance is a gret virtue in t'other feller. Bronco Bill. To-morrow. To-morrow; to-morrow is the song of the idle. (After Weisse.) "To-morrow I made my fortune," cries the fool, "To-day I'll spend it." Men. One hour to-day is worth a week to-morrow. To-morrow? but to-morrow never comes, it al- ways is to-day. Tongue. There are many men who might govern multitudes if they could only govern their own tongues. LACONICS 183 You can't control the tongue of others, but you can do better you can control your own. If you can't hold your temper, hold your tongue. Many a man has cut his throat with his tongue. Put a bridle on your tongue, or it will put a halter on you. The sting of an evil tongue is worse than the sting of a scorpion. Your tongue runs away with your wit. The tongue is only an index. Tools. The man who drops his tools where he uses them is the poorest tool on the ranch. Language is only a tool. Top. It is hard to get to the top ; you can slide to the bottom. Don't try to build the top-story first. It is better to begin at the bottom and work up than to begin at the top and work down. It is easier to get on top than it is to stay there. If it were as easy to slide up-hill as it is to slide down, we would all be at the top. Trade. Let the cobbler stick to his last, the farmer to his plow, the preacher to his pulpit, the doc- tor to his pills, and the devil to all of us. Buy of the needy and sell to the rich. Don't trade horses with a preacher. Religion is the hypocrite's stock in trade. Better a skillful cobbler at his last Than unlearned poet twangling on the lyre. Poetry. Trade the ole hoss fer a young 'un, an' git suthin' ter boot. Bronco Bill. 184 LACONICS Don't trade your honor for office. A Indiana circuit rider kin beat a "posy country long-legs" on a hoss-trade." Bronco Bill. Tragedy. He's a great actor; he tears a tragedy into tatters. Tragedy? The world is full of it. Training. Training is the best teacher. Trap. He sets a trap for others and puts his own foot in it. You can't fool a fox twice into the same trap. Don't try to trap a fox with turnips. Travel traveller. Travel your own country first. If you would gain knowledge by traveling, study the country and the people as you go. Travelers find many hotels and few friends. He's a traveler he went frum Punk tu Podunk an' kim hum agin. Bronco BUI. Treachery. Of all the vices of human nature treach- ery is the worst. Trust paves the way for Treachery to tread; Under the cloak of virtue vices creep; Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread, And wolves become the shepherd of the sheep. The Reign of Reason. Tree. Wisdom plants trees. Folly hacks them with his little hatchet. He that plants trees for the future is a patriot. Don't transplant an old tree. A family-tree ape to Adam Adam to ape. Trial. Paul, O Paul, forgive and be forgiven; Earth is all trial; there is peace in heaven. Pauline. LACONICS 185 It is a weak virtue that cannot stand the test of trial. Trial is the test of all things. Try men before you trust them. Tribute. We all pay tribute to success. "Pay unto Caesar that which is Caesar's." Yes, but Caesar has been dead two thousand years and the debt is out-la wed. Trickster. The trickster tricks himself. Trifles. There are no trifles in this world. Two atoms of cosmic dust unite, cohere, And lo the building of a world begun. Change. Life is made up of trifles ; take heed to the trifles. When a hound is after a stag he don't stop to bite fleas. Trifles and rifles won the day at Waterloo. We are all trifles. We trifle with Time but Time don't trifle with us. Triumph. Through love and labor, triumph. We proclaim our triumphs and hide our mistakes. Work and wait: Ne'er despair and ne'er abate; Work will triumph soon or late: Work and wait. He sings his triumph before the battle begins. Trouble. Boil and bubble, bubble and boil Toil and trouble, trouble and toil. The troubles that never come worry us most. It is easy to double your trouble. He who has no trouble of his own will borrow some. 186 LACONICS Troubles are stumbling-blocks to the weak and stepping-stones to the strong. Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. Trout. Better one trout on the hook than ten in the brook. True. Behold the brute's unerring instinct guides True as the pole-star. Men. And yet and yet can I forget That one was false and one was true ? Although true, be cautious about stating what appears to be false. Ivery cratur is true tu natur. Bronco Bill. Trust. He who trusts everybody, will cheat himself. Trust paves the way for treachery to tread. The Reign of Reason. The greatest trust in America is the U. S. govern- ment. Trust nothing; try everything. "We trust the people" says the man who sells on the "installment plan." "But I don't trust you," say the prudent people. Trust and "bust." Trust in Providence but push the work. Trust Providence, but look to your collaterals. Trust is a dear shop to trade at. Trust yourself and others will trust you. " (After Goethe). "Trust in Providence," said the Preacher, "Ikindu better in Boston," said the deaf old lady. Truth. Truth is the daughter of time and the mother of science. LACONICS 187 To him fiction is a familiar friend, and truth a stranger. Beware of the truth that covers a lie. O, timid Truth, that quails before the fire, Thy face assumes the likeness of a liar. Between true friends truth nothing but truth. One truth fits all other truths; a lie fits nothing. The naked truth needs no cloak. If it is the truth what matter who says it. Truth always has the ring of the true metal. Truth can go naked; falsehood needs fine clothes. There is no religion higher than the truth ; Men make the creeds, but God ordains the law. Above all cant, all arguments of men, Above all superstitions, old or new, Above all creeds of every age and clime, Stands the eternal Truth the creed of creeds. Men. Behold the serried ranks of Truth advance, And stubborn science shakes her shining lance Full in the face of stolid Ignorance. The Reign of Reason. Truth, like a diamond, ever loves the light. The Reign of Reason. God's right arm of Truth prevails in every field. How hard it is for mortals to unlearn Beliefs bred in the marrow of their bones! How hard it is for mortals to discern The truth that preaches from the silent stones, The silent hills, the silent universe, While error cries in sanctimonious tones That all the light of life and God is hers. The Reign of Reason. 188 LACONICS Man who hath walked in sleep what thousands years ? Groping among the shadows of the night, Moon-struck and in a weird somnambulism, Mumbling some cunning cant or catechism, Thrilled by the electric magic of the skies Sun-touched by Truth, awakes and rubs his eyes. The Reign of Reason. 'Tis easier to believe An old-time fiction than to wear a tooth In gnawing bones to reach the marrow Truth. The Devil and the Monk. When wine goes in teetotal truth comes out. Let virtue be our helmet and our shield, And Truth our weapon, weapon sharp and strong, And deadly to all error and all wrong. Truth crushed tu arth '11 git upon her hind legs an' howl like a hyena. Bronco Bill. The plainest truths are the prettiest. Truth never grows old, but a lie soon loses its teeth. Let truth be your weapon and virtue your shield. There is gold in all metals and truth in all creeds. Truth can afford to go naked; falsehood needs fine clothes. Don't try to warp the truth to fit you; fit yourself to the truth. In all things truth is the climax. Truth and good are one. One truth will fit in with any other truth; no lie will fit another lie. If you have a mouth full of truth, think twice before you open it. LACONICS 189 Truth is the primeval element it will stand hell- fire. You can't help truth with a lie. It is the truth that hurts. Truth needs no armor but her naked breast. Truth is due to the living and the dead. Truth needs no ornament ; she herself is a diamond. Truth like the sun is sometimes under a cloud. To detect error start with the truth. In most falsehoods there are grains of truth. If you want to get the truth to the people go to the newspapers and pay for it. Try. If one door is shut try another. If one fish won't take the bait another will. Turkey-cock. He struts and gobbles like a turkey- cock in a hen-yard. Tryanny. The olden precedents, Oft stepping-stones of tyranny and wrong. Pauline. Tyranny is tryanny whether in one man or a mob. Tyrant. A tryant is always a coward. u Understand. It is folly to approve what you do not understand. Unexpected. Prepare for the unexpected. Union. All for each each for all. Unit. Moments are the units of eternity. Atoms are the units of the universe. 190 LACONICS In the vast universe man is but an infinitesimal unit. It takes two to make one. It takes more than a million decimals to make one unit. Unity. Lo all-pervading Unity is His; Lo all-pervading Unity is He; One mighty heart throbs in the earth and sea, In every star through heaven's immensity, And God in all things breathes, in all things is. The Reign of Reason. Universe. Hope and trust: All life springs from out the dust: Ah, we measure God by man, Looking forward but a span On his wondrous, boundless plan; All his ways are wise and just: Hope and trust. Hope and trust: Hope will blossom from the dust; Love is queen; God's throne is hers; His great heart with loving force Throbs throughout the Universe : We are His and He is just : Hope and trust. Dust to Dust. Measure the ocean in a drinking cup? Measure Eternity by the town-clock? Nay, with a yard-stick measure the Universe ? Measure for measure, measure God by man ? Men. God's perfect order rules the vast expanse, And love is queen and all the realms are hers ; But strike one sun-star from the Universe LACONICS 191 And all is chaos and unbridled chance. The Reign of Reason. The earth is but a grain of sand An atom in a shoreless sea; A million world's lie in God's hand Yea, myriad millions what are we? Fame. Star on star, System on system, myriad worlds on worlds, Beyond the utmost reach or mortal ken, Beyond the utmost flight of mortal dream. Beyond. What you know is a grain of sand; what you don't know is the universe. In the entire universe the least is a part of all and all is only one. The universe is a circle without a circumference. Unknown. We always magnify the unknown. Unlearn. How hard it is for mortals to unlearn Beliefs bred in the marrow of their bones! The Reign of Reason. Up-hill. On an up-hill road with a big load the patient mule will beat a thoroughbred. If we could slip up-hill as easily as we slip down- hill we would all be at the top. Up-stream. It is easier to float down-stream than to paddle up-stream. Useful. The useful is always beautiful. What is not useful today may be useful tomorrow. In the whole universe there is nothing in vain nothing without its use. 192 LACONICS Vacant vacuity. He has a cranium full of vacuity. His upper story is to let. He is the picture of a vacuum. Valor. He who faces every duty like a man is brave enough. Valor is a whole battalion. Value. Compel the world to value you at what you are worth. In the long run most men are reckoned at their true value. Vanity. Vanity is an expensive luxury. The sting of vanity is sharper than the sting of want. Vanity is a disease: most people catch it. It is vanity to disclaim vanity. Vanity is the fool's glory. Every man has a streak of vanity in him. Variety. The sweetest harp of heaven Were hateful if it played the self-same tune Forever. Change is the order of the Universe. Change. Verbosity. All sound and no sense. In the chaff of verbosity you will find few grains of sense. Full of verbosity he teaches "Theosophy." In a muddle of mush and calls it Philosophy. He would talk the hind legs off a hobby-horse. Vice. All vices are blood relatives. No vice, no virtue. LACONICS 193 We carry two burdens our own vices and the vices of our progenitors. One vice will not cure another. Never open the door to a little vice lest a greater one sneak in. Under the cloak of virtue vices creep. Vice is most dangerous in silk stockings. Look out for vice in a swallow-tail coat. Look out for vice in rouge and red petticoats. Vice is contagious. At the tap-root of every vice is a virtue. Vice leads to crime. You can't cure one vice by taking on another. Men's vices are only virtues run wild. Every vice assumes a garment of virtue if it is only a fig-leaf. The vicious are swift to condemn the faults of others. Victory. He has won a great victory; he has con- quered himself. Vigilance. "Eternal vigilance" is the price of success. That watch-dog is a vigilance committee of one. Villain. The cunning villain glitters in his eyes. Vinegar. He carries a vinegar visage that would sour sauerkraut. Violence. Where violence begins, reason ends. Virtue. Negative virtues are good; positive virtues are better. Trust paves the way for treachery to tread; Under the cloak of virtue vices creep; Fools chew the chaff while cunning eats the bread, And wolves become the shepherd of the sheep. The Reign of Reason. 194 LACONICS Let virtue be our helmet and our shield, And Truth our weapon weapon sharp and strong, And deadly to all error and all wrong. Golden darts will pierce even virtues shield. The Devil and the Monk. No vice, no virtue. Virtue is a safe helmet and a sure shield. All virtues are one. Virtue is its own reward: many people think it's poor pay. Virtue is safe only when it is armed with knowledge. A cracked cup is easily broken. Virtue once pawned is never redeemed. At the root of every vice is a virtue. Vice assumes a garment of virtue, if it is only a fig- leaf. Men are prone to remember your faults and forget your virtues. Virtue is betrayed by weakness oftener than by vice. Vixen. The vixen never comes to kiss unless she means to bite. Voice. The voices of the hoar and hurrying years Cry from the silence " Change, perpetual change." Change. The hoarse, low voice of the years croaks on forever and aye. Change! Change! Change! Daniel. He has a voice like a brass band. He can out-bellow the bulls of Bashan. Vows. A sailor's vow forgotten as soon as the storm is over. LACONICS 195 Vulgarity. Ignorance breeds vulgarity, and vulgarity breeds contempt. w Wag. A wag is at the tail-end of wit. "My fawning dog," the sage satanic said, "Wags not his tail for me, but for my bread." The Devil and the Monk. King Drone, flat fool that weather-cocked all winds; Gulped gall and vinegar and smacked it wine; Wig- wagged his way from gilded Oeil de Boeuf Through mob and maelstrom to the guillotine. Men. Wag-jaw is a wise fellow, he can teach hens to swim. Waiting. He is wise who knows how and when to wait. Watch and wait. Don't wait for something to turn up; go at it and turn it up. Want. Man's real wants how simple and how few. Men. He is the least in want who wants the least. One Hundred Years Ago. "We want but little here below nor want that little long," said the monkey when the dog bit off his tail. See man the picture of perpetual want, The prototype of all disquietude; Full of trouble, yet ever seeking more. Give him the gold of Ophir still he delves; Give him the land, and he demands the sea; 196 LACONICS Give him the earth he reaches for the stars. Doomed by his fate to scorn the good he has, And grasp at fancied good beyond his reach, He seeks for silver in the distant hills, While in the sand gold glimmers at his feet. Men. The sting of vanity is sharper than the sting of want. Want less and you'll have more. War. War is a dog-fight; the bull-dog wins. War is an arena where it is easier to find a grave than a monument. War is the battle of beasts and the feast of vultures. Waste. Waste nothing; all things have their use; God has created nothing in vain. "Dot ish all right, mebbe. I dink so nieder; aber vot for Gott mak dot leetel tarn vot you call 'im ? mit die long pill und dot leetel puzz ?" Max. Waste. Don't waste your breath on cold coals. Don't waste time on trifles. The worst waste is the waste of time. Watch watchfulness. Watch and wait. Watch the watchman. Set a watch on the watcher. Watch a silent dog. Who is to watch the watcher? Watch-word. The watch- word is "Onward." Water. He writes on the water and paints on the wind. Wax and wane. The law of wax-and-wane pervades the Universe. LACONICS 197 Way of the World. It is the way of the world to hang a man first and try him afterwards. Weak. Weak men chew the cud of bitterness ; strong men eschew it. Weakness. The weakest spot in most men is where they fancy themselves the strongest. A woman's strength lies in her weakness. Search out and mend thine infirmities and thy virtues will take care of themselves. No man is perfect: every man has his weak spot; look for it in the head. The weakest link breaks the chain. Wealth. Wealth in the hands of the unwise creates more wants than it supplies. One little grain of wheat has benefited man more than all the diamonds dug from the earth since the days of Adam. The multi-millionaire an ass staggering under a load of bullion. Wealth unemployed is a useless burden. Who accumulates wealth accumulates care. We carp at wealth, like the fox that couldn't reach the grapes. Diogenes lived in a tub because he couldn't afford a cabin. We affect to despise wealth and wear our soles (souls) out running after it. We curse Croesus, because he won't divide. "Jim Hill is a robber!" cried the Governor of Minne- sota. "While I am giving bread to tens of thousands you are doing your level best to pull down the bakery," replied Hill. Great wealth is great poverty. Wealth may be the servant of good or the servant of evil. 198 LACONICS Weather-cock. The higher you elevate a weather- cock the easier he turns to the breeze. Wed wedlock. The "outs" want to get in and the "ins" want to get out. Weed. Weeds and flowers grow in the same garden. All our cultivated vegetables were once weeds. Weed out your faults as you would weed your gar- den. We can tolerate a few weeds in a good garden. The rankest weed has some use; nothing is made in vain. I guess thar's sum pertaters in thet patch, but yer got ter pull a darn lot uf weeds ter find 'em. Bronco Bill. Kill the weeds when young. It takes a hard frost to kill weeds. Where weeds grow corn will grow. Where weeds grow you can raise potatoes. Weel. He's a chiel o'the Diet he's a ne'er-do-weel. Welcome. Baked potatoes and welcome make a feast. Well-doing. Whatever you do, do it well. Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well. Well-done. If you want it well-done do it yourself. When. Few men know when to begin and where to stop. Whim. The whim of youth may become the habit of old age. Whisper. I hear the whispers of the Universe. So whispering courage to my timid heart. Pauline. LACONICS 199 I hear the low, hushed whispers of the dead. His whisper sounds like a megaphone. Whistle. "You can't make a whistle out of a pig's tail." (I saw this proverb literally disproved. Charles Kings- bury, of St. Cloud, Minnesota, about 1872, made a fine whistle out of a pig's tail.) He thinks his whistle is a bugle call. White white-hair. A white man's ez good ez a nigger, ef he on'y behaves hisself. Bronco Bill. Why. "Why did you do it, my son?" "Wai, Pops, I dunno ; suthin got inter my head, an' it did it itself." Bronco Bill. Wherefore? Look out upon the babbling world Fools clamoring at the heels of clamorous fools! I hungered for the sapless husks of fame. Let Me Dream the Dreams of Long ago. Wickedness. Wickedness breeds wickedness. He is wicked who is cruel to God's creatures man or beast. Widow. "Beware of the vider"; she wears weeds for her dead husband and sighs for another. Wife. A frugal wife is better than a big income. The woman that goes far for a husband has great need of a mantle of charity. A termagant wife is like a horse-fiddle iri a sanc- tuary. Nine times out of ten the wife is what the husband makes her. 200 LACONICS A wife dutiful is a wife beautiful. The good wife commands her husband by obeying him. Men choose a tree for its fruit ; a wife for her beauty. Wild. She's a little wild? there's time a-plenty; She'll be tame enough at ten and twenty. Gamins see the animals run wild. Will. All my prayers are one: Father, thy will be done. Will without reason is a balky horse, He has a forty-horse will-power and no engineer. If you will, you can. Willing. The willing mule balks at last. Wills. Execute your own will. Win. Watch out and win out. When you begin go in to win. Wind. A drop of wisdom in a bag of wind. He has bellows enough to drive a wind-mill. God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb. Sterne. "I tanks not. I tanks Gode he demper ze leetel sheep to ze wind." Ole Olson. A wind-bag with a tin horn in it. See mangy curs, whose editorial ears Prick to all winds to catch the popular breeze, Slang- whanging yelp and froth and snap and snarl, And sniff the gutters for their daily food. Men. Wine. Wine is a great tattler. When wine goes in teetotal truth comes out. The Devil and The Monk. LACONICS 201 Wine and wenches bury men in trenches. To shake a little Shakespeare in our wine: Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. The Devil and The Monk. Wine spills secrets. Wine wisely used is a friend; abused, an enemy. Wings. Aye, is death death ? or but a happy change From night to light on angel wings to range ? The Reign of Reason. All wings and no feet. Winter. A summer friend is a friend to feed; A winter friend is a friend indeed. "Lo I blow my breath," said Winter, "And the laughing brooks are silent: "Hard as flint become the waters, And the rabbit runs upon them." The Sea- Gull. Waziya came down from the north, from the land of perpetual winter: From his frost covered beard issued forth the sharp- biting, shrill- whistling North-wind; At the touch of his breath the wide earth turned to stone and the lakes and the rivers. Winona. Wisdom. Wisdom and goodness go hand in hand. Wisdom feeds on folly. Sorrows are mile-stones on the road to wisdom. He who discovers that he is a fool has found the right road to wisdom. Confession of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom grows on thorns. One gathers the nuts, another cracks them. 202 LACONICS The wisdom of most men is too early or too late. He is a wise man who knows his own ignorance. A truly wise man is a freak of nature. The wise man gathers wisdom from all men, As bees their honey hive from plant and weed. Yea, from the varied history of the world, From the experience of all times, all men, The wise man learneth wisdom. Men. Wise men there are wise in the eyes of men Who cram their hollow heads with ancient wit Cackled in Carthage, babbled in Babylon, Gabbled in Greece and riddled in old Rome, And never coin a farthing of their own. Men. Wise men there are for owls are counted wise Who love to leave the lamp-lit path behind, And chase the shapeless shadow of a doubt . Men. Folly sows broadcast: wisdom gathers in. Men. Alas, the more we know the less we know we know. The Reign of Reason. For ages have the learned of the schools Furnished pack-saddles for the backs of fools. The Reign of Reason. Weak men chew the cud of bitterness, wise men eschew it. The mistakes of a wise man are more instructive than the wisdom of a fool, He whom wisdom and virtue guide" walks safely. Wisdom is common sense. Wit and Wisdom pepper and salt. LACONICS 203 Wisdom rides on the back of folly. You can spin even wisdom too fine. Wise. A wise man sometimes changes his mind, a fool never. A wise man begins at the beginning, a fool at the end. The wisest men are sometimes foolish. A wise man never speaks unless he has something to say. A wise man is never ashamed to confess his igno- rance. The wise head bends like a ripe ear of corn. A wise man may learn much from a fool. An ass looks wise to an ass. A wise man is always a good listener. Zeal is good for the wise and fatal to fools. The wise seek the services of the wise. Wishes. The wish of to-day is the spur of to-morrow. Wit. Let not malice sharpen thy wit. Your tongue runs away with your wit. Wit is the wine of life. Wit without wisdom is a dangerous weapon. All wit and no wisdom is sauce without meat. Wit is a keen weapon in the hands of a wit and a boomerang in the hands of a dullard. Wadsworth. All feet and no wings Tennyson winged feet. Byron an eagle's wings and a crippled foot. Poe a wild steed's feet and a raven's wings. Shakespeare a lion's paws and a condor's wings. Wit and wisdom are sword and shield. Wit without wisdom is lime without sand. 204 LACONICS When a wit sits at the dinner table the sauce is better than the meat. Mix a little salt with your pepper. Put plenty of sugar in your vinegar. Wit and wisdom combined make a strong man. When wine goes in wit comes out. Better fore- wit than after- wit. A joke without wit is a joke on the joker. Wolf. Grown fat and arrogant on power and pelf, The old time shepherd has become a wolf, And only feeds his flock to feast himself. The Devil and The Monk. When you suspect a fox let the dogs loose. I had rather eat a wolf than have a wolf eat me. Woman. I like a she- woman and a he-man. The strength of a women is in her weakness. Beauty intoxicates a woman and makes a fool of a man. Man cannot dispense with women; he couldn't be born without her. "When lovely woman stoops to folly" She'll put both feet in willy-nolly. Woman is the weaker vessel, but she often breaks her husband. The society of ladies is the school of good manners. Woman may lose her diamonds a dozen times, her chastity but once. Woman in public is an actress on the stage; study her behind the curtain. There is no devil like a she-devil. I druther hev a blue-fish, Er a bull-pout er a dorg-fish, Er a durned ole man-eater shark-fish, Hitched on ter me than a she-devil-fish. Bronco Bill t Cow-Boy Ballads. LACONICS 205 Petticoat-patriots sans bas and sans culottes, Rampant in rags and hunger-toothed, uproar Paris the proud. Men. Women use perfumes to kill other smells. Women suspect each other because they know each other. A shrewd judge of men is easily duped by a wo- man. There is nobody so intolerable as a woman pro- moted by sudden wealth from a wash-tub to a drawing-room . A woman's head is in her heart. Honor the woman who mends her husband's stock- ings. Better live with a yawling tom-cat than a virago. A woman's weapon is her tears. Women take pride in what is on them rather than what is in them. Wool. He pulls the wool over his own eyes. He shears his pigs and takes the wool to market. Words. The wise weight words; fool measure them by the yard. Words are flowers, deeds are fruit. Fair words are pap for fools. "I am a man of few words, "said Sam. "True indeed," said John, "but you repeat them over and over to anybody who will listen." Bind an honest man with his word, a knave with a log-chain. Weigh thy words or thy words will weigh thee. Big words, little deeds. Deeds are more eloquent than words. Work. Think hard and work hard. 206 LACONICS Workmen are plenty, but the masters few. Poetry. Genius is patience, labor and good sense. Steel and the mind grow bright by frequent use; In rest they rust. A goodly recompense Comes from hard toil, but not from its abuse. Poetry. Time and patience change the mulberry-leaf To shining silk; the lapidary's skill Makes the rough diamond sparkle at his will And cuts a gem from quartz or coral-reef. Poetry. Work wins. The poorest work a man does is doing nothing. Work makes the workman. Good work requires good tools. You can't afford to work for nothing and board yourself. Trust in Providence, but push the work. Work and wait; Ne'er despair and ne'er abate; Work will triumph soon or late ; Work and wait. There is always plenty of work to be done; the difficulty is to find willing men fit for the work. There is no work so tiresome as doing nothing. Work strengthens, worry kills. The sure cure for most ills is work. World. The beginning of the world was the union of two atoms of cosmic dust. The world is entering the twilight of dawn. We must take the world as we find it and improve it if we can. Let us make the most of this world; no invention so far can take us to another. LACONICS 207 The world is a combination of contraries. The man who said, "One half the world does not know how the other half lives," didn't live in a country town. The world is like a mirror; smile and it smiles, frown and it frowns. The world is divided into knaves and fools with a sprinkling of salt. If we despise the world, the world will despise us. Let the world wag : it will wag anyway. Worm. The reef that wrecked the battle-ship was the work of little worms. The worm that crawls from out the sun-touched sand, What knows he of the huge, round, rolling Earth? Yet more than thou of all the vast Beyond, Or ever wilt. Content thee; let it be. Know only this: there is a Power unknown Master of life and Builder of the Worlds. Beyond. Worry. Work strengthens, worry kills. Worse. No man is the worse for knowing the worst. "It might a-been worse," said the widow when her husband was hanged. Worship. He who worships himself worships a wooden calf. Wretched. The way to make yourself wretched is to fancy that you are wretched. Write. I had rather write one word upon the rock Of Ages than ten thousand in the sand. Poetry. Say little, write less. 208 LACONICS Writing. There is sweeter poetry in the hearts of men Than ever poet wrote or minstrel sung; For words are clumsy wings for burning thought. Poetry. The only word written by Jesus Was Charity writ in the sand. Charity. Wrong. When we are on the wrong road the further we go the further we fall behind. He who wrongs you, will claim that you have wronged him. Y Year. The years of God are one. Yesterday. The eternal yesterday is yours; study it. Young. Be old when you are young and you will be young when you are old. Weed the garden when the weeds are young. Your own. There is no fruit so sweet as that of your own planting. If you don't blow your own horn nobody will blow it for you. Better baked beans in your own house, than roast turkey in another's. Plant your own field first. Yourself. Fear no man but yourself. Trust yourself first. Never ask your friends to do for you what you can do for yourself. LACONICS 209 All great men have defects ; you have a few your- self. Self-deception is a pit-fall dug by yourself. If you would amend men, begin with yourself. Trust yourself and others will trust you. There is only one to whom you can safely trust your secrets, yourself. If you want it well done, do it yourself. Youth. Mold the clay of youth while it is moist. Youth is full of blunders that old age regrets. There is no cure for the follies of youth but age. Youth is a seed-field; beware what you sow in it. Zeal. Zeal is good for the wise and fatal to fools. Zeal is a fire that must be watched. Zeal without discretion is a wild, braying ass. Zeal without knowledge runs into ditches in the dark. UNIVEESITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY, BERKELEY THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW Books not returned on time are subject to a fine of 50c per volume after the third day overdue, increasing to $1.00 per volume after the sixth day. Books not in demand may be renewed if application is made before expiration of loan period. Fti '328 -27 EB 13 50m-8,'26